"SWINGIN ROUND THE CIRKLE. "

BY

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, LATE PASTOR OF THE CHURCH OF THE NEW DISPENSATION, CHAPLAIN TO HISEXCELLENCY THE PRESIDENT, AND P. M. AT CONFEDERATE × ROADS, KENTUCKY. 

HIS IDEAS OF

MEN, POLITICS, AND THINGS, AS SET FORTH IN HIS LETTERS TO THE PUBLIC PRESS, DURING THE YEAR 1866. 

Illustrated by Thomas Nast. 

BOSTON:LEE AND SHEPARD. 1867. 

_DEDIKASHUN UV THIS BOOK. _

 TO

 ANDROO JOHNSON, THE PRIDE AND HOPE UV DIMOCRISY, Who hez bin Alderman uv his native village, Guvner uv his State, Member uv the lower house uv Congress, And likewise uv the Senit, Vice President and President, and might hev bin Diktater, But who is, nevertheless, a Humble Individooal; Who hez swung around the entire cirkle uv offishl honor, without feelin his Oats much; The first public man who considered my services worth payin for;

 AND TO

 ALEX. W. RANDALL, POSTMASTER GENRAL, His most devoted Servant, Whose autograph adorns my Commishn ez Postmaster, _This Volume_

 IS RESPECTFULLY DEDIKATED. 

CONTENTS. 

 PREFIS, OR INTERDUCTRY CHAPTER I. --AFTER THE NEW JERSEY ELECTION II. --CONVERSES WITH GENERAL MCSTINGER III. --A REMARKABLE DREAM IV. --A CHANGE OF BASE--KENTUCKY V. --ABOLITION IN KENTUCKY VI. --A CONVERSATION WITH A KENTUCKIAN VII. --A VISION--SPIRIT OF ANDREW JACKSON VIII. --A PLAN FOR UP-BUILDING THE DEMOCRACY IX. --A VISION OF THE NEXT WORLD X. --A SONNET XI. --THE SITUATION--THE DEMOCRACY WARNED XII. --THE PRESIDENT'S 22D OF FEBRUARY SPEECH XIII. --A WARNING XIV. --REFUSES TO SUPPORT THE PRESIDENT XV. --THE PATRIARCHAL SYSTEM XVI. --A DREAM XVII. --A KENTUCKY TEA PARTY XVIII. --A CRY OF EXULTATION XIX. --A WAIL OF ANGUISH XX. --MOURNFUL VIEW OF THE SITUATION XXI. --A PSALM OF GLADNESS XXII. --A DISCOURSE UPON THE NIGGER XXIII. --WORKINGS OF THE FREEDMEN'S BUREAU XXIV. --PRESIDES AT A CHURCH TRIAL XXV. --MEETING TO INDORSE GEN. ROSSEAU XXVI. --PREACHES--THE "PRODIGAL SON" XXVII. --A PLEASANT DREAM XXVIII. --THE REWARD OF VIRTUE XXIX. --THE CONVOCATION AT PHILADELPHIA XXX. --THE GREAT PRESIDENTIAL EXCURSION XXXI. --THE PRESIDENTIAL TOUR CONTINUED XXXII. --END OF THE PRESIDENTIAL TOUR XXXIII. --AT HOME AGAIN XXXIV. --THE CLEVELAND CONVENTION XXXV. --AN APPEAL TO THE PEOPLE XXXVI. --THE OCTOBER ELECTIONS XXXVII. --MR. NASBY'S OPINION ON THE CAUSE OF THE PRESIDENT'S DEFEAT XXXVIII. --ANDREW JOHNSON PRESIDENT OR KING? XXXIX. --A CABINET MEETING XL. --SERMON ON THE NOVEMBER ELECTIONS XLI. --A FEW LAST WORDS

PREFIS, OR

INTERDUCTRY CHAPTER. 

There is a vacancy in the mind uv the public for jist sich a book ezthis, else it had never bin published. There is a vacancy in my pockitfor the money I am to reseeve ez copy-rite, else I hed never slungtogether, in consecootive shape, the ijees wich I hev from time to timeflung out thro the public press, for the enlitenment uv an ongratefulpublic and the guidance uv an obtoose Dimocracy. 

I didn't put these thots uv mine upon paper for amoozement. There hezn'tbin anythin amoozin in Dimocrisy for the past five years, and thestandard-bearers, the captins uv fifties and hundreds, the leaders uvthe hosts, hev hed a ruther rough time uv it. Our prominence made usuncomfortable, for we hev bin the mark uv every writer, every orator, ezwell ez uv every egg-thrower, in the country. When that gilelesspatriot, Jeems Bookannon, retired to private life, regretted by all whoheld office under him, Dimocracy felt that she wuz entrin upon a perioduv darknis and gloom. The effort our Suthern brethrin made for theirrites, rendered the position uv us Northern Dimocrats eggstremelyprecarious. We coodent go back on our friends South, for, knowin thatpeace must come, and that when it did come we wood hev to, ez in theolden time, look to them for support and maintenance, it behooved us tokeep on their good side. This wood hev bin easy enuff, but alars! thereare laws agin treason, and two-thirds uv the misguided people north hedgot into a way uv thinkin that the Dimocrasy South had committed thatcrime, and they intimated that ef we overstepped the line that dividesloyalty from treason by so much ez the millionth part uv a hair, they'dmake us suffer the penalty they hoped to mete out to them, but wich, owin to Johnson, they dident, and wat's more, can't. Halleloogy!

But I anticipate. Twict I wuz drafted into a service I detested--twict Iwuz torn from the buzzum uv my family, wich I wuz gittin along wellenough, even ef the wife uv my buzzum wood occasionally git obstinit, and refooze to give me sich washin money ez wuz nessary to my existence, preferrin to squander it upon bread and clothes for thechildren, --twict, I say, I wuz pulled into the servis, and twict I wuzforced to desert to the Dimocrisy uv the south, rather than fite aginem. When finally the thumb uv my left hand wuz acksidentally shot off, owin to my foot becomin entangled into the lock uv my gun, wich thumbwuz also accidentally across the muzzle thereof, and I wuz no longerliable to military dooty and cood bid Provost Marshels defiance, I onlysteered clear uv Scylla to go bumpin onto Charybdis. I coodent letDimocrisy alone, and the eggins--the ridin upon rails--the takin uv theoath--but why shood I harrow up the public buzzum? I stood it all tillone nite I wuz pulled out uv bed, compelled to kneel onto my bare kneesin the cold snow, the extremity uv my under garment, wich modestyforbids me to menshun the name uv it, fluttrin in a Janooary wind, andby a crowd uv laffin soljers compelled to take the oath and drink a pintuv raw, undilooted water! That feather broke the back uv the camel. Theoath give me inflamashen uv the brane and the water inflamashen uv thestumick, and for six long weeks I lay, a wreck uv my former self. Ez Iarose from that bed and saw in a glass the remains uv my pensive beauty, I vowed to wage a unceasin war on the party wich caused sich havoc, andI hev kept my oath. 

I hev bin in the Apossel biznis more extensively than any man sence thetime uv Paul. First I established a church uv Democrats in a littleoasis I diskivered in the ablishn state uv Ohio, to wit, at Wingert'sCorners, where ther wuz four groceries, but nary church or skool-housewithin four miles, and whose populashen wuz unanimously Dimocratic, thegrocery keepers hevin mortgages on all the land around em--but alars! Iwuz forced to leeve it after the election of Linkin in 1864. Noo Gerseybein the only state North wich wuz onsquelched, to her I fled, and atSaint's Rest (wich is in Noo Gersey) I erected another tabernacle. ThereI stayed, and et and drank and wuz merry, but Ablishnism pursood methither, and in the fall uv '65 that state got ornery and cussid, andwent Ablishn, and agin, like the wandrin Jew, I wuz forced to pull up, and wend my weary way to Kentucky, where, at Confedrit × Roads, I feelthat I am safe. Massychoosets ideas can't penetrate us here. Thearistocracy bleeve in freedom uv speech, but they desire to exercise asupervision over it, that they may not be led astray. They bleeve they'rrite, and for fear they'd be forced to change their minds, whenever theygit into argument with anybody, ef the individooal gits the better uvthem, they to-wunst shoot him ez a disturber. Hence Massychoosits can'tdisturb us here; the populashen is unanimously Democratic, and bids fairto continyoo so. 

Here I hope to spend the few remainin years uv a eventful life. Here inthe enjoyment uv that end uv the hopes uv all Democrats, a Post Offis, with four well-regulated groceries within a stun's throw, and adistillery ornamentin the landscape only a quarter uv a mile from whereI rite these lines, with the ruins uv a burnt nigger school house withinsite uv my winder, from wich rises the odor, grateful to a Democraticnostril, and wich he kin snuff afar off, and say ha! ha! to, uv a halfdozen niggers wich wuz consumed when it wuz burned, wat more kin I want?I feel that I am more than repaid for all my suffrins, and that I shelsale smoothly down the stream uv time, unvexed and happy. 

It is proper to state that the papers uv which this volume is composedwuz written at various times and under various circumstances. Theyreflect the mind uv the author doorin a most eventful year in hishistory, and mark the condition uv the Dimocrisy from week to week. Consekently they shift from grave to gay, from lively to severe, withmuch alacrity, the grate party seemin at times to be lifted onto the topwave uv success, and at other times bein down in the trough uvdespondency and despair. 

I mite say more, but wherefore? Ez the record uv a year uv hopes andfears, uv exaltation and depression, it may possess interest or maynot--'cordin to the style uv the reader. Whatever may be its fate, onething I am certin uv, to wit: I am a reglerly commissioned P. M. ; andwhile the approval of the public mite lighten the toils uv offishl lifeand sweeten the whisky wich the salary purchases, the frowns uv the saidpublic can't redoose me to the walks uv private life. They can't frownme out uv offis, nor frown P. M. General Randall's name off my commishn. 

 P. V. N. 

 POST OFFIS, CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the State uv Kentucky), Oct. 1, 1866. 

SWINGIN ROUND THE CIRKLE. 

I. 

After the New Jersey Election, 1865. 

 SAINT'S REST (wich is in the State uv Noo Gersey), November, 9, 1865. 

Never wuz I in so pleasant a frame uv mind as last night. All wuz peacewith me, for after bein buffeted about the world for three skore years, at last it seemed to me ez tho forchune, tired uv persekootin aunforchnit bein, hed taken me into favor. I hed a solemn promise fromthe Demekratic State Central Committy in the great State uv Noo Gersey, that ez soon ez our candidate for Governor wuz dooly elected, I shoodhev the position uv Dorekeeper to the House uv the Lord (wich in thisState means the Capital, & wich is certainly better than dwellin in thetents uv wicked grosery keepers, on tick, ez I do), and a joodishusexhibition uv this promise hed prokoored for me unlimited facilities forborrerin, wich I improved, muchly. 

On Wednesday nite I wuz a sittin in my room, a enjoyin the pleasinreflection that in a few days I should be placed above want & beyond thecontingencies uv fortune. Wood! oh wood! that I hed died then and there, before that dream ov bliss wuz roodly broken. A wicked boy cum runninpast with a paper wich he hed brot from the next town where there livesa man who takes one. He flung it thro the window to me and past on. Iopened it eagerly, and glanced at the hed lines!

 "NOO GERSEY--5, 000 REPUBLIKIN!"

One long and piercin shreek wuz heard thro that house, and wen theinmates rushed into the room they found me inanymate on the floor. Thefatal paper lay near me, explainin the cause uv the catastrophe. Thekind-hearted landlord, after feelin uv my pockets and diskiverin thatthe contents thereof wood not pay the arrearages uv board, held ahurried consultation with his wife as to the propriety uv bringin me to;he insisting that it wuz the only chance uv gittin what wuz back--sheinsistin that ef I was brung to I'd go on runnin up the bill, bigger andbigger, and never pay at last. While they was argooin the matter, proand con, I happened to git a good smell uv his breath, wich restored meto consciousniss to-wunst, without further assistance. 

When in trouble my poetic sole alluz finds vent in song. Did ever poetwho delited in tombs, and dark, rollin streams, and consumption, andblighted hopes, and decay, and sich themes, ever hev such a pick ofsubjects ez I hev at this time? The follerin may be a consolation to thefew Dimokrats uv the North who have gone so far into copperheadism thatthey can't change their base:--

 A WALE!

In the mornin we go forth rejoicin in our strength--in the evenin we arebustid and wilt!

Man born uv woman (and most men are) is uv few days, & them is so fulluv trouble that it's skarsely worth while bein born at all. 

In October I waded in woe knee-deep, and now the waters uv afflickshunare about my chin. 

I look to the east, and Massychusets rolls in Ablishun. 

To the west I turn my eyes, and Wisconsin, and Minnesota, and Illinoyansers Ablishun. 

Southward I turn my implorin gaze, and Maryland sends greetin--Ablishun. In New York we had em, for lo! we run a soljer, who fought valiantly, and we put him on a platform, wich stunk with nigger--yea, the savorthereof wuz louder than the Ablishun platform itself. 

But behold! the people jeer and flout, and say "the platform stinkethloud enough, but the smell thereof is _not_ the smell uv the Afrikin--itis of the rotten material uv wich it is composed, and the corrupshunthey hev placed upon it"--and New York goes Ablishun. 

Slocum held hisself up, and sed, "Come and buy. " And our folks boughthim and his tribe, but he getteth not his price. 

NOO GERSEY--ABLISHUN!!

Job's cattle wuz slain by murrain and holler horn and sich, and, notlivin near Noo York, the flesh thereof he cood not sell. 

But Job hed suthin left--still cood he sell the hides and tallow!

Lazarus hed sores, but he hed dorgs to lick them. 

Noo Gersey wuz the hide & tallow uv the Dimocrisy, and lo! that is gone. 

What little is left uv the Dimocrisy is all sore, but where is the dorgso low as to lick it!

Noo Gersey wuz our ewe lamb--lo! the strong hand uv Ablishnism hez takenit. 

Noo Gersey wuz the Aryrat on wich our ark rested--behold! the dark wavesuv Ablishnism sweep over it!

Darkness falls over me like a pall--the shadder uv woe encompasseth me. 

Down my furrowed cheeks rolleth the tears uv anguish, varyin in sizefrom a large Pea to a small tater. 

Noo Gersey will vote for the Constooshnel Amendment, and lo! the Niggerwill possess the land. 

I see horrid visions!

On the Camden and Amboy, nigger brakesmen; and at the polls, niggers!

Where shall we find refuge?

In the North? Lo! it is barred agin us by Ablishnism. 

In the South? In their eyes the Northern copperhead findeth no favor. 

In Mexico? There is war there, and we might be drafted. 

Who will deliver us? Who will pluck us from the pit into wich we hevfallen?

Where I shel go the Lord only knows, but my impression is, South Karlinywill be my future home. Wade Hampton is electid Governor, certin, and inthat noble State, one may perhaps preserve enough uv the old DimokraticStates Rites to leaven the whole lump. 

 "I'm aflote--I'm aflote On the dark rollin sea. "

And into what harbor fate will drive my weather-beaten bark, theundersigned can not trooly say. 

Noo Gersey--farewell! The world may stand it a year or two, but I doubtit. 

 Mournfly and sadly, PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. 

II. 

A Conversation with General McStinger, of the State of Georgia, whichis interrupted by a Subjugated Rebel. 

 WASHINGTON, D. C. , NOV. 18, 1865. 

Sence the November elections I hev bin spendin' the heft uv my time inWashinton. I find a melankoly pleasure in ling'rin around the scene uvso many Demokratic triumphs. Here it wuz that Brooks, the heroic, bludgeoned Sumner; here it wuz that Calhoon, & Yancey, and Breckinridgeachieved their glory and renown. Besides, it's the easiest place tododge a board bill in the Yoonited States. There's so many Congressmenhere who resemble me, that I hev no difficulty in passin for one, two-thirds uv the time. 

Yesterday I met, in the readin-room uv Willard's, Ginral MacStinger, ofSouth Karliny. The Ginral is here on the same bizness most uv theSouthern men hev in this classic city, that uv prokoorin a pardon, wichhe hed prokoored, and wuz gittin ready to go home and accept thenominashen for Congress in his deestrick. 

The Ginral wuz gloomy. Things didn't soot him, he observed, and he wuzafeerd that the country wuz on the high road to rooin. He hed bin absentfrom the Yoonited States suthin over four yeers, wich time he hed spentin the southern confederacy. When he went out the Constooshnel Dimocrisyhed some rites wich wuz respected. On his return wat did he see? Thepower in the hands uv Radikals, Ablishnism in the majority everywhere, aex-tailor President, --a state uv affairs disgustin in the extreme to thehighly sensitive Southern mind. He had accepted a pardon only becoz hefelt hisself constrained to put hisself in2 position to go to Congress, that the country might be reskood from its impendin peril. He shood goto Congress, and then he should ask the despots who now hev control, whether, --

1. They spozed the South wood submit to hoomiliatin condishns?

2. What Androo Johnson means by dictatin to the Convenshuns uv sovereignStates?

"Why, " sez he, "but a few days ago this boor hed the ashoorence to writeto the Georgy Convenshun that it '_must not_'--mark the term--'MUST NOTassoom the confedrit war debt. ' Is a tailor to say '_must not_' toshivelrus Georgy? Good God!--where are we driftin? For one, I never willbe consilliated on them terms--never! I never wuz used to that style uvtalk in Dimekratic convenshuns. 

"Ez soon ez I take my seet in Congris, " resoomed he, "I shel deliver aspeech, wich I writ the day after Lee surrendered, so ez to hev itready, in which I shel take the follerin ground, to wit:

"That the South hev buried the hatchit, and hev diskivered that theylove the old Yoonion above eny thing on earth. But, "The North must meet us half way, or we wont be answerable for theconsekences. Ez a basis for a settlement, I shell insist on the follerincondishens:

"The Federal debt must be repoodiated, principal and interest, or efpaid, the Southern war debt must be paid likewise--ez a peece offerin. The doctrine uv State Rites must be made the soopreme law uv the land, that the South may withdraw whenever they feel theirselves dissatisfiedwith Massachusetts. Uv coarse this is a olive branch. 

"Jefferson Davis must be to-wunst set at liberty and Sumner hung, ezproof that the North is really consilliatory. On this pint I aminflexible, and on the others immovable. "

An old man who hed bin listnin to our talk, murmured that there wuz aparallel to this last proposishen. 

"Where?" demanded the Genral. 

"The Jews, I remember, " replied he, "demanded that Barrabas be releasedunto them, who wuz a thief, I believe, and the Savior be crucified, butI forgit jist how it wuz. "

The Genral withered him with a litenin glance, and resoomed:

"I shel, uv course, offer the North suthin in the way uv compensation, for the troo theory uv a Republikin Government is compermise. On ourpart we pledge ourselves to kum back, and give the North the benefit uvour kumin back, so long ez Massachusetts condux herself akkordin to ourijees uv what is rite. But ef this ekitable adjustment is rejected, allI hev to say then is, I shell resign, and the Government may sinkwithout wun effort from me to save it. "

I wuz about to give in my experience, when the old man, who wuz sittinnear us, broke in agin:

"My name, " sed he, "is Maginnis, and I live in Alabama. I want to say aword to the gentleman from Karliny, and to the wun from Noo Gersey. "

"How, " retorted I, "do yoo know I'm from Noo Gersey, not hevin spoken aword in yoor hearin?"

"By a instink I hev. Whenever I see a Sutherner layin it down heavy to aindivijouel whose phisynogamy is uv sich a cast that upon beholdin ityoo instinktively feel to see that yoor pocket-handkercher is safe, aface that wood be dangerous if it had courage into it, I alluz know thelatter to be a Northern copperhead. The Noo Gersey part I guessed at, becoz, my friend, that State furnished the lowest order uv copperheadsof any uv em. Pardon me ef I flatter yoo. But what I wanted to say wus, that I spose suthen hez happened doorin the past 4 years. I was aoriginal secessionist. Sum years ago I hed a hundred niggers, and wuzdoin well with em. But, unforchunitly, my brother died, and left me ezmuch more land, but no niggers. I wanted niggers enuff to work thatland, and spozed ef cut off from the North, and the slave-trade wuzreopened, I cood git em cheaper. Hentz I seceshed. Sich men ez GenralMcStinger told me the North woodent fight or I woodent hev, secesht, butI did it. I went out for wool and cum back shorn. I seceshed with 100niggers to git 200, and alas! I find myself back into the oldgovernment, with nary a nigger. 

"But all this is no excoose for talkin bald noncents. Yoo old ass, " sedhe, addressin Genral McStinger, "yoo talk uv wat yoo will do, and whatyoo wont. Hevent you diskivered that yoo are whipped? Hevent you foundout that yoo are subjoogated? Are yoo back into the Yoonyun uv your ownfree will and akkord? Hevent yoo got a pardon in yoor pockit, whichdockyment is all that saves yoor neck from stretchin hemp? Why do yootalk uv wat South karliny will and wont do? Good Lord! I recollect abouta year since South karliny would _never_ permit her soil 2 be pollutidby Yankee hirelins, yit Sherman marched all over it with a few uv em, and skarcly a gun was fired at em. So too I recollect that that sedState, wich wuz agoin to whip the entire North, and wich wood, efoverpowered, submit gracefully and with dignity to annihilation, andsich, wuz the first to, git down on her marrow bones, and beg for peacelike a dorg. Ef yoo intend this talk for the purpose uv skarin theNorth, beleeve me when I say that the North aint so easy skared ez itwuz. Ef its intendid for home consumption, consider me the people. Iveheard it before, and I'll take no more uv it until my stumick settles. It makes me puke. The fact is we are whipped, and hev got to do the bestwe kin. We are a goin to pay the Federal debt, and aint goin to pay theconfederet debt. Davis will be hung, and serve him rite. States rites isdead, and slavery is abolished, and with it shivelry; and its my opinionthe South is a d----d sight better off without either of em. I kinsware, now, after livin outside uv the shadder uv the flag 4 yeres, thatI love it! You bet I do. I carry a small one in my coat pocket. I hev amiddlin sized one waved by my youngest boy over the family when atprayers, and a whalin big one wavin over my house all the time. I hevdiskivered that its a good thing to live under, and when sich cusses asyoo talk uv what yoo will and wont do under it, I bile. Go home, yoocusses, go home! Yoo, South, and pullin orf your coat, go to work, thankin God that Johnson's merciful enuff to let yoo go home at allinsted uv hangin yoo up like a dorg, for tryin to bust a Guverment toogood for yoo. Yoo, North, thankful that the men uv sense uv the Northhed the manhood to prevent us from rooinin ourselves by makin sich ezyoo our niggers. Avaunt!"

And the excited Mr. Maginnis, who is evidently subjoogated, strode outuv our presence. His intemperit talk cast a chill over our confidencis, and we dident resoom with the ease and freedom we commenced with, and ina few minutes we parted. I didn't like him. 

 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. 

III. 

A Remarkable Dream. --A Country settled exclusively by Democrats. 

 WASHINGTON, December 1, 1865. 

Last nite I was the victim uv another dream. Ef I don't quit thisexplorin the realms of the fucher in my sleep, I shall become a secondSaint John. Ef so, I maik no doubt my revelations will be uv aremarkably startlin character. 

Methawt the Ablishnists had asserted the power we diskivered theypossest, after the late elecshuns, and had gone the whole figger. Theyhad forced the South into the humiliashen uv allowin niggers to testify, and in the Northern states had given em the elective franchise. Uvcourse the edecated and refined democrasy wood never consent to becarried up to the polls alongside uv a nigger--uv course no Democraticoffis-seeker wood hoomiliate himself to treatin a nigger afore aelection, it bein a article uv faith with us never to drink with anigger, onless he pays for it. 

Therefore, bein helpless, and resolvin never to submit, the heft uv theDemocrasy determined to emigrate in a body to some land where theAnglo-Sackson cood rool, --where there was no mixter of the disgustinAfrican. Mexico wuz the country chosen, and methawt the entire party, inone solid column, marched there. Our departure was a ovation. The peepleon our route wuz all dressed in white, ez a token uv joy, and from everyhouse hung banners, with inscriptions onto em, sich ez, --

"Now is our hen-roosts safe!"

"Canada on its way to Mexico!"

"Poor Mexico--we bewail thy fate!"

Our march resembled very much that uv the childern uv Isrel. Our noseswuz the pillers uv fire by nite, and our breath the piller uv smoke byday. 

On our arrival to Mexico, the natives of that country, struck probablywith awe at the majestic and flamin expression uv our countenances, hastily gathered up their linen, and silver spoons, and hosses, andsich, and retreated to the mountains. It wuz a kompliment to us thatthem ez hadn't ennything remained. 

Finally we reached a plain, where we, the modern childern uv Isrel, decided to remane, and, uv course, the fust thing to do wuz to form aguvernment. 

Methawt Fernandy Wood, uv New York, wuz chosen viva voce, ez President, and he stept forerd to hev the oath administered to him, wich wuz 2 bedun by the oldest Justis uv the Peece uv the late stait uv Noo Gersey, wich hez committed sooicide. Here a new trouble ensood--there wuzn't abible to be found in the whole encampment. The difficulty wuz got overby a New York Alderman yellin out, "Never mind the oath. What's theyoose uv any oath _he_ takes?" So he wuz declared President. 

Prest. Wood then proceeded to organize. He requested sich ez hed heldcommissions in the army uv the Yoonited States to step forerd threepaces. Gens. Micklelan, Buel, Fitsjohn Porter, & Slocum stept forerd, and with em some 4, 000, a part uv whom hed held quartermasters'commissions, and whose accounts, "Jest afore the battle, mother, "

didn't balance, but wich alluz did jist after, and others who hed bindismist for bein in the rear, when their sooperiors desired to see em inthe front, and who consekently considered it a d----d Ablishun war, wichthey didn't approve uv no how. 

Then hevin ascertained the material for officerin his army, he axed allthem who bed bin in the service as privates to step forerd. 20, 000obeyed, and the President asked the fust one where he enlisted, whoansered ez follows:--

 "At Noo York, April 12, 1864, bounty $1, 000; and at Philadelphia, April 14, 1864, bounty $700; and at Pittsburgh, April 16, 1864, bounty $800; and at Cincernati, April 19, 1864, bounty $400; and at--"

"Enough, " said Fernandy, and glancin down the line, and seein all thefaces were uv the same style and expression, he asked no more uv em anyquestions. 

Remarkin that it wuz well enough to establish a church, he desired allwho were ministers uv the Gospel to step forerd. 21 stept out anddesired to explain. They cood not say that they were just now in fullconnexion with any church. They hed bin, but their unconstooshnelAblishin Synods and conferences hed accoosed em uv irregularities inhoss tradin, and various other irregularities, and suspended em, andsilenced em and sich, becoz they were Democrats, but--

The President shrugged his sholders, and asked all who cood read to stepout. About one-half answered, and then he requestid sich uv this numberez cood be prevaled upon to accept a small office, and who bleevedtheirselves fit, to step out agin, and to my unutterable horror andconsternation, every one but five stepped out ez brisk ez so many bees. Immejitly there wuz an uproar. Them ez coodent read swore vociferouslythat there wuz nothin fair about _that_ arrangement. They never knowdthat a man wuz obliged to be able to read to hold office in theDemocratic party, and they'd never stand that, and they all stepped out. 

Finally it wuz decided that a election should be held at some fuchertime. 

The next step wuz to divide em up into employments. The Presidentrequested them ez preferred to foller mekanikle employments to step out:Sum thirty advanced. Them ez preferred farmin: About fifty stept out. Them ez expected to run small groceries:

There wuz a sound like the rush uv many waters. Ninety-eight per cent, uv all--ceptin the officers and preachers--sprung to the front, but whenthey saw ther strength, their faces turned white. "Good Lord!" whisperedthey; "we can't make a livin out uv the remainin two per cent. And theofficers and preachers!"

The mass then demanded a division uv the property, that all mite startalike, but upon takin a inventory, it wuz found not wuth while to botherabout a division. 

Then they commenced murmurin, and sed wun to another, "Oh for the fleshpots uv the Egypt we left!" "I cood, at hum, live off my Ablishnnabers. " "There wuz rich men in our ward, but ez we hed the majority, _they_ paid taxes, which _we_ spent!" "Ablishnists is pizen, but it iswell enough to hev enough uv em to tax!" and ez wun man, they resolvedto return, and the confusion that resulted from the breakin up awoke me. 

There is onquestionably a moral in the vision. Ez often ez I hev syedfor perpetual Democratic majorities, I hev sumtimes, when our party wuzsuccessful, and bid fair to be so permanently, wondered what we would dowith the Treasury ef we didn't lose the offices occasionally, so ez tohev the other party nurse it into pickin condition for us. 

I don't think I shood like to live in a unanimous Dimocratic community. 

 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. 

IV. 

A Change of Base--Kentucky. --A Sermon which was interrupted by aSubjugated and Subdued Confederate. 

 CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), December 9, 1865. 

Here in the grate Stait uv Kentucky, the last hope uv Democrisy, I hevpitched my tent, and here I propose to lay these old bones when Deth, who has a mortgage onto all uv us, shall see fit to 4close. I didn'tlike to leave Washinton. I luv it for its memories. Here stands theCapitol where the President makes his appintments; there is the PostOffis Department, where all the Postmasters is appinted. Here it wasthat Jaxon rooled. I hed a respex for Jaxon. I can't say I luved him, for he never yoosed us rite. He hated the Whigs ez bad ez we did, butafter we beat em and elevated him to the Presidency, the stealins didn'tcome in ez fast ez we expected. Never shel I forgit the compliment hepaid me. Jest after his election I presented myself afore him with mypapers, an applicant for a place. He read em, and scanned me with acritic's eye. 

"Can't yoo make yoose uv sich a man ez me?" sez I, inquirinly. 

"Certinly, " sez he; "I kin and alluz hev. Its sich ez yoo I use to beetthe whigs with, and I am continyooally astonished to see how much work Iaccomplish with sich dirty tools. My dear sir, " sed he, pintin to thedoor, "when I realize how many sich cusses ez yoo there is, and howcheap they kin be bought up, I really tremble for the Republic. "

I didn't get the office I wantid. 

Yet ez much ez I love Washinton, I wuz forced to leave it. I mite hevstayed there, but the trooth is, the planks uv that city and thepavements are harder, and worse to sleep on, than those uv any othercity in the Yoonited Staits. I hed lived two months by passin myself offez Dimekratic Congressmen, but that cood only last a short time, therenot bein many uv that persuasion here to personate. I had gone therounds uv the House ez often ez it wuz safe, and one nite commenced onthe Senit. Goin into Willard's, I called for a go uv gin, wich thegentlemanly and urbane bar keeper sot afore me, and I drank. "Put itdown with the rest uv mine, " sez I, with a impressive wave uv the hand. 

"Yoor name?" sez he. 

Assoomin a intellectual look, I retorted, "Do you know Charles Sumner?"

[Illustration: DO YOU KNOW CHARLES SUMNER?]

Here I overdid it; here vaultin ambition o'er-leaped herself. Hed I sed"Saulsbury, " it mite have ansered, but to give Sumner's name for a drinkuv gin wuz a peece uv lunacy for wich I kan't account. I wuzignominiously kicked into the street. Drinks obtained at the expense uvbein kicked is cheep, but I don't want em on them terms; my priderevolted, and so I emigrated. The gentlemanly and urbane conductors uvthe Pennsylvania Central passed me over their road. They did it with theassistance uv two gentlemanly and urbane brakesmen, wich dropped metenderly across the track, out uv the hind eend uv the last car. 

I found here a church buildin, uv wich the congregation had bin mostlykilled in bushwhackin expeditions, and announsin myself ez aconstooshnel preacher from Noo Gersey, succeeded in drawin together ahighly respectable awjience last Sunday. 

Takin for a text the passage, "The wagis uv sin is death, " I opened outez follows:--

"Wat is sin? Sin, my beloved hearers, is any deviashen from yer normalcondishen. Yoor beloved pastor hez a stumick and a head, wich is inclose sympathy with each other, so much so, indeed, that the principalbiznis uv the head is to fill the stumick, and mighty close work itsbeen for many years, yoo bet. Let yoor beloved pastor drink, uv a nite, a quart or two more than his yoosual allowance, more than his stumickabsolootely demands, and his head swells with indignashen. The excess issin, and the ache is the penalty. 

"The wagis uv sin is death! Punishment and sin is ez unseperable ez theshadder is from the man--one is ez shoor to foller the other ez theassessor is to kum around--ez nite is to foller day. The Dimekraticparty, uv wich I am a ornament, hez experienced the trooth uv this text. When Douglas switched off, he sinned, and ez a consekence, Linkin wuzelected, and the Sceptre departed from Israel. When--"

At this pint in the discourse, a old man in the back part uv the houseariz and interrupted me. He sed he hed a word to say on that subjickwhich must be sed, and ef I interrupted him till he got through he'dpunch my hed; whereupon I let him go on. 

"Trooly, " sez he, "the wages of sin is deth. I hev alluz bin a Dimecrat. The old Dimocracy hez bin in the service uv sin for thirty years, andthe assortment uv death it hez received for wages is trooly surprisin. Never did a party commence better. Jaxon wus a honist man, who knew thatrighteousnis wuz the nashun's best holt. But he died, and a host uvtuppenny politicians, with his great name for capital, jumped into hisold clothes, an undertook to run the party. Ef the Dimocracy coold hevelected a honist man every fourth or fifth term, they mite hev groundalong for a longer period, but alars! Jaxon wuz the last of that stylewe hed, and so many dishonist cusses wuz then in the Capital that hisghost coodent watch the half uv them. 

"The fust installment uv deth we reseeved wuz when Harrison beet us. Theold pollytishens in our party didn't mind it, for, sez they, 'TheTreasurey woodent hev bin wuth mutch to us ennyhow after the suckin ithas experienced for 12 years; it needs 4 years uv rest. ' We electedPoke, and here it wuz that Sin got a complete hold uv us. Anshentcompacts made with the devil wuz alluz ritten in blud. We made acontract with Calhoonism, and that wuz ritten in blud wich wuz shed inMexico. Here we sold ourselves out, boots and britches, to the cottonDemocricy, and don't our history ever sence prove the trooth uv thetext, 'The wages uv sin is deth?' O, my frends! in wat hevyinstallments, and how regularly, hez these wages bin pade us. 

"Our men uv character commenst leavin us. Silas Write kicked out, andwood hev gone over agin us hed he not fortunately died too soon, andskores uv uthers followed soot. Things went on until Peerse wuz elected. The Devil (wich is cotton), whom we wuz servin, brot Kansas into thering, and wat a skatterin ensood. 

"Agin, the men uv character got out, and gradually but shoorly the workuv deth went on. Bookannon wuz elected, but wuz uv no yoose to us. AfterPeerse hed run the machine four yeers, wat wuz there left? Eko ansers. Anuther siftin follered, and the old party wich wunst boasted a Jaxonhed got down to a Vallandigum. The Devil, to wich we hed sold ourselves, wood not let us off with this, however. 'The wages uv sin is deth, ' andwe hed not reseeved full pay ez yet. He instigated South Karliny torebel; he indoosed the other Democratic States to foller; he forced theNorthern Democrisy to support em, and so on. That wuz the final stroke. Dickinson, and Cass, and Dix, and Todd, and Logan, all left us, and wunby wun the galaxy uv Northern stars disappeared from the Democraticfirmament, leaving Noo Gersey alone, and last fall, my brethrin, she sotin gloom. 

"Oh, how true it is! We served sin faithfully, and where are we? We wentto war for slavery, and slavery is dead. We fit for a confederacy, andthe confederacy is dead. We fit for States Rites, and States Rites isdead. And Democracy tied herself to all these corpses, and they hevstunk her to death. 

"Kentucky went heavy into the sin biznis, and whar is Kentucky? We sentour men to the confedrit army, and none uv em cum back, ceptin theskulkers, who comprised all uv that class wich we wood hev bin glad tohev killed. Linkin wantid to hev us free our niggers, and be compensatidfor em. We held on to the sin uv niggers, and now they are taken from uswith nary a compensate. In short, whatever uv good the Devil promised usin pollytix hez resulted in evil. My niggers is gone, my plantashen herehez fed alternately both armies, ez they cavorted backerds and forrerdsthrough the Stait, my house and barns wuz burnt, and all I hev to showfor my property is Confedrit munny, which is a very dead article uvdeath. I know not what the venerable old sucker in the pulpit wuz a gointo say, but ef he kin look over this section uv the heritage, and cantpreach a elokent sermon on that text, he aint much on the preach. I'mdun. "

Uv coarse, after a ebulition of this kind, I cooldn't go on. I dismistthe awdience with a benedickshun, hopin to get em together when sichprejudiced men aint present. 

 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. 

V. 

The Effect the Proclamation of Secretary Seward produced in Kentucky. 

 CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), December 20, 1865. 

At last! The deed is dun! The tiranikle government which hez sway atWashington hez finelly extinguished the last glimerin flicker uvLiberty, by abolishin slavery! The sun didn't go down in gloom thatnite--the stars didn't fade in2 a sickly yeller, at wich obstinacy uvnachur I wuz considably astonished. 

I got the news at the Post Offis (near wich I am at present stayin, atthe house uv a venerable old planter, who accepts my improvinconversation and a occasional promise, wich is cheap, ez equivalent forboard). Sadly I wendid my way to his peaceful home, dreadin to flingover that house the pall uv despair. After supper I broke to em ezgently ez I cood the intelligence that three-fourths uv the States hedratified the constooshnel amendment--that Seward had ishood hisproclamation, and that all the Niggers wuz free!

Never did I see sich sorrer depicted on human countenance--never wuzthere despair uv sich depth. All nite long the bereaved inmates uv thatwunst happy but now distracted home wept and waled in agony wich wuzperfectly heart rendin. 

"Wo is me, " sobbed the old man, wringin his hands. 

"John Brown's karkis hangs a danglin in the air, but his sole is marchinon. 

"It took posseshun of Seward, and thro his ugly mouth it spoke the words'the nigger is free, ' and there is no more a slave in all the land. 

"Wunst I hed a hundred niggers, and the men were fat and healthy, andthe wenches wuz strong, and sum uv em wuz fair to look upon. 

"They worked in my house, and my fields, from the rising uv the sun tothe goin down uv the same. 

"Wuz they lazy? I catted them till they wuz cured thereof; for lo! theywuz ez a child under my care. 

"Did they run away? From Kentucky they run North, and lo! the LocofocoMarshals caught them for me, and brought them back, and delivered theminto my hand, without cost, sayin, lo! here is thy nigger--do with himez thou wilt (wich I alluz did), wich is cheeper than keepin dogs, andjest as good. 

"Solomon wuz wise, for he hed uv konkebines a suffishensy, but we wuzwiser in our day than him. 

"For he hed to feed his children, and it kost him shekels uv gold andshekels uv silver, and much corn and oil. 

"We hed our konkebines with ez great a muchness ez Solomon, but we soldtheir children for silver, and gold, and red-dog paper. "

And all nite long the bereaved old patriarch, who hed alluz bin a fatherto his servants (and a grandfather to menny uv em) poured out hislamentations. 

In the mornin the niggers wuz called up, and ez they all hed their koatson, and hed bundles, I spect they must hev heard the news. The oldgentleman explained the situation to em. 

"Yoo will, " sed he, "stay in yoor happy homes--you will alluz continueto live here, and work here, ez yoo hev alluz dun!"

The niggers all in korious, with a remarkable unanimity, remarkt that efthey hed ever bin introdoost to theirselves, they thought they woodent. In fact, they hed congregated at that time for the purpose uv startinlife on their own hook. 

[Illustration: EFFECT OF THE EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATION IN KENTUCKY. ]

A paroxysm uv pain and anguish shot over the old man's face. Nearest tohim stood a octoroon, who, hed she not bin tainted with the accurstblood uv Ham, wood hev bin considered beautiful. Fallin on her neck, theold patriarch, with teers a streamin down his furrowd cheeks, ejackilated, --

"Farewell, Looizer, my daughter, farewell! I loved yoor mother ez neverman loved nigger. She wuz the solace uv my leisure hours--the companionuv my yooth. She I sold to pay orf a mortgage on the place--she and yoorolder sisters. Farewell! I hed hoped to hev sold yoo this winter (foryoo are still young), and bought out Jinkins; but wo is me! Curses onthe tirent who thus severs all the tender ties uv nachur. Oh! it is hardfor father to part with child, even when the market's high; but, Oh God!to part thus--"

And the old gentleman, in a excess uv greef, swoonded away genteely. 

His son Tom hed bin caressin her two little children, who wuz a halfwhiter than she wuz. Unable to restrain hisself, he fell on her neck, and bemoaned his fate with tetchin pathos. 

"Farewell, farewell, mother uv my children! Farewell faro, and hosses, and shampane--a long farewell! Your increase wuz my perquisites, and Isold em to supply my needs. Hed you died, I cood hev bin resigned; forwhen dead you ain't wuth a copper; but to see yoo torn away livin, &wuth $2, 000 in enny market--it's too much, it's too much!"

And he fainted, fallin across the old man. 

"Who'll do the work about the house?" shreekt the old lady, faintin andfallin across Tom. 

"Who'll dress us, and wash us, and wait on us?" shreekt the threedaughters, swoonding away, and fallin across the old woman. 

My first impulse wuz to faint away myself, and fall across the threedaughters; but I restraned myself, and wuz contented with strikin aattitood and organizin a tablo. Hustlin the niggers away with a burnincuss for their ingratitood, I spent the balance uv the forenoon inbringin on em too. Wun by wun they became conshus; but they wuz nottheirselves. Their minds wuz evidently shattered; they wuz carryin aheavy heart in their buzzums. 

Wood, Oh! wood that Seward cood hev seen that groop! Sich misery doesAblishinism bring in its trane--sich horrers follers a departure fromDimikratic teechins. When will reason return to the people? Eko answers, When?

 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. 

VI. 

A Conversation with a Loyal Kentuckian, who had Faith in the finalTriumph of Democracy. 

 CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), January 6, 1866. 

I see a lite. Democricy is not that dead karkis its enemies hoped forand its friends feared. My noomerious friends here insisted that ez Iwuz growin into the seer and yaller leaf, I shood abandon Dimocrisy, andflote with the current. I cant. Ez troo ez the needle to the pole, so amI to Dimocrisy. Young wimmin flock to marryins, middle-aged ones tobornins, and old ones to buryins, which shows concloosively to the mostlimited intelleck wat the mind uv each class runs upon. So it is withme. To me Dimocrisy is wife, mother, and child. 

I hev diskivered many things sense I hev bin in Kentucky--things wichelevated my deprest heart ez yeast does dough, wich filled my shrunkensoul ez wind does a bladder. 

The people uv Kentucky wuz all loyal. Doorin the horrible fratrisidlewar wich hez rent the proud temple uv liberty into twain, they preserveda strict nootrality. I hed a conversation with wun old patriarch, whoasshoored me that he hed never taken sides. 

Upon his honor, he asshoored me that, after battles, he rifled thecorpses uv both armies, impartially. "Cood any boddy be more nootrallerthan that?" he asked. "My sons, " sed he, "wuz in the confedrit army. This fact wood hev turned the affections uv a week-minded man in thatdirection; but when I thot uv the boys, I alluz thot also uv thatgellorious star-spangled banner, under wich I hed whipped my niggers andsold their children; under whose shadder I hed men servants, and madeservants, and home-made servants born unto me. That banner hed bin myshield. Ef my niggers run off, who so prompt in their pursoot ez theDemocratic marshals, wich alluz returned em to me ef it wuz possible?The instooshun wuz guaranteed to me by solemn compermises, wich we coodhev ez often ez we desired. Compermises wuz our best holt. Whenever wewanted anything, all we hed to do wuz to ask for it. The Ablishinistswood object, the Dimocrisy wood draw up a compermise, wich inklooded, eza rool, twice or 3 times wat we asked, and pass it to save the Union. Sich a Union wuz worth havin, and I opposed all efforts to dissolute it. Hed the South succeeded, I shood hev gone with em; for Kentuckyalone--the only nigger State in the North--wood hev bin helpless. Scaldin tears hev I shed when contemplatin the horrors uv war; but Icood do nothin to avert it. Kentucky wuz loyal, but nootral. "

I find down here that the loyal citizens uv Kentucky who hev returnedfrom the confedrit service are not at all discouraged; on the contrary, they are hopeful. Sed one to me (I bleeve he wuz a Kernel under Gen. Forest; indeed, I think he told me he participated in the gloriousvictory at Fort Piller), --

"Why art thou cast down? Things is workin eggsackly to our hand. "

In a mournful tone, I retorted that I failed to perseeve it. 

"I kin, " sez he. "Lookye, my venerable friend. Is the Northern Dimocrisystill troo?"

"They is, " I replied, "wat few remains. But, alas! war, crool war, hezdecimated our ranks five times. "

"How so?" sez he. "None uv your kind uv Democrats jined in this unholycroosade, and fell afore our deth-deelin swords--did they?"

"Not any, " sez I; "but Kanady and Montana took em afore each draft. Thatwuz why we wuz so beet at the eleckshuns. For one week-kneed Ablishinistwe scared into our ranks, we lost two by emigration; and, unfortunitly, wun half that emigrated starved to deth, and tother half is distribbitedin the various States prisons in them lands uv refuge. "

"Still, " sez he, "it matters not. Yoo hev deestricks yoo kin carry inmost uv the States. The Five Points deestrick, in Noo York, is ours. NooGersey will go back to her allegiance. The new gold States, where somenny uv our friends fled, will send up Democrats to Congress. Ohio hez2 devoted to us, Pennsylvany hez several, and the most uv the NorthernStates will send one or two; and them from the North kin be depended onto go any measure we say. Then"--and he slapped me on the backhighlariously--"the niggers is free!"

"Well?" sez I, not seem wat cause for highlarity that wuz. 

"Well, " sez he, "them niggers is not now OTHER PERSONS! We alluz countedfive uv em for three in making up the Congressers we wuz entitled to;now they count as white men, wich increases our delegashuns to sich anextent that ef yoo Northern men do half yoor dooty, we'll hev a majorityin Congress. Then, good Lord! the pleasant crack uv the whip shel aginbe heard on the plains uv the sunny South. The niggers wont bere-enslaved; but our Legislaters will speedily redoose em to theirnormal condishun. We shell observe the Constitushnel Amendment stricklyand in good faith. The Afrikin shel be free; but the good uv societydemands that he shel be under proper guardianship. He wont be allowed tochange his location; and the laws uv the States will define his dooties, and give us the power uv enforcin em. He wont be allowed to hev arms, sohe can't resist. Ez he can't leave a plantation, he will hev to submitquietly to sich rools ez the high-minded planter makes for him, or beshot on the spot, or turned out to die uv starvashun, akording tocircumstances. Ef the planter is a unrejenerated child uv damnashun, hewill shoot him; ef he is a saint, who hez a southern hope uv a blessedimmortality beyond the grave, he'll restrane his anger, and turn him outto die uv hunger, onless he repents, and comes back humble. Then, theybein free and responsible for theirselves, we ain't obleeged to takecare uv the sick, the aged, or the infirm, so it will be really betterthan it wuz before. I see a gellorious future afore us. Thro the thickclouds uv gloom the brite sun uv hope cheerinly breaks. Say to theNorthern Dimocrisy, be uv good cheer. Agin they shel lick our hands;agin they shel eat the crumbs that fall from the National table. 

"Thank God for the Northern Dimocrisy, with the other blessins He hasgiven the South. With niggers to do our manual labor for nothing, withNorthern Democrats to do our votin at almost the same price, we aretrooly a favored people. Bless the Lord for the nigger and the Democrat, wich is both useful to us, each in his speer!"

I drew encouragement from his remarks. The deep vane uv piousthankfulness wich run through his discourse was nateral to him. He is atrooly pious man, and wuz just back frum the meetin uv the Synod uv oneuv the Southern churches, wich still persists in quotin Onesimus andHayger. I feel encouraged. O, Dimmycrats uv the North, let us

 "Our vigger renoo, And our journey pursoo, "

and I feel shoor that success will at last crown our efforts. 

 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. 

VII. 

A Vision. --Celebration of the Anniversary of the Taking of NewOrleans. --In the Vision the Spirit of Andrew Jackson appears, anddiscourses of Various Things. 

 CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), January 12, 1866. 

We had sort uv a celebrashun uv the 8th day uv Janooary at the Cornerslast nite. My meetin house wuz gorgeously decorated for the occashun;the walls bein hung with confedrit battle flags, and on the corners ofthe pulpit wuz placed two skulls uv Yankees, picked up at Andersonvilleby one of the guards, who is now a loyal citizen uv this State, residinat this pint. These skulls wuz illuminated by placin a taller candleinside uv each uv em. The effect wuz inspirin. The guard who contributedem, is, I need not say, a conservative Democrat, and in the matter uvswearing at Ablishnists he displays more talent, and hez a morecomprehensive range uv oaths, than any man I ever knowed. The church wuzalso decorated with mottoes, furnished by myself and others, uv wich thefollowin is some uv em:--

"The Yoonyun ez it wuz--under Bookanan. "

"The noble dead uv Kentucky--them ez fell pintin their guns north we'llalluz remember. "

"Our returned soljers--beaten, but not conkered. "

"Niggers and northern Dimocrisey--we've lost the first; thank God, thelatter is ours forever. "

I hevn't time nor space to give, in full, the perceedins uv the evenin. Suffice it to say, at 12, precisely, the company broke up, and sich uvem ez were able, departed. I remained. There wuz suthin in therefreshments wich indoost me to stay; in fact, I coodn't convenientlyget out from under the table, where I hed fallen. 

While peacefully sleepin the sleep uv innosence, my unfettered sole wentorf on a explorin expedishen into the land uv dreams, and I dreamed. 

Methawt that we wuz celebratin the anniversary uv the battle uv NooOrleans, on a heavier skale than the wun just closed. We hed, at ourfestive board, all the grate lites uv Dimocrisy. There wuz Fernandy Woodand his brother Ben, and Dan Voorhes, and the grate Valandigum and FrankPeerce, and Bookanon hed consented to emerge from his saint-likeretirement, and meet with us. The South wuz represented by sich nobleDimocrats ez Yancy, and Toombs, and Wigfall; in short, it wuz areyoonyun uv old-time Dimocrats, met not only to honor the memry uvJackson, but to consult ez to the best method uv savin the yoonyun fromthe rox uv Abolishun onto wich it seems now to be driftin. 

The gileless Bookanon wuz President uv the evenin, and Breckinridge VicePresident, and toasts wuz drank ez follows:--

"The ancient Dimocrisy--troo to the country, ez long ez there is anoffice to be filled. "

Response by Fernandy Wood. 

"The President uv the evenin--the last Dimocratic President uv theYoonited States. "

Mr Bookanan rose to respond, but he wuz overkum, and sank back, his eyessuffoozed with tears. In a voice broken with emoshun, he intimated thathe wuz in daily expectation uv bein translated, ez Elijer wuz, in abarouche with two white hosses. "White, " he repeated; "for ef the teamis black, I won't go; I'll die the nateral way fust. " "My frends, " sedhe, "keep my mantle out uv the hands uv the Jews. Wher is the Elishawho'll wear it?"

"The yoonun ez it wuz, the constooshun ez it is, and the nigger where heought to be. "

Response by Breckinridge, who sed he hed bin four years fightin thebattles uv the Dimocrisy, whose prinsiples wuz happily set forth in thesentiment. Beeten in the field, we must fight it out at the ballot-box. _Nil despritrando_ must be the motto uv the Dimocrisy. 

"Androo Jaxon, the--"

As thus much uv the toast wuz read, there wuz a clap uv thunder heard, wich shook the buildin, and made not only the windows rattle, but theglasses to dance on the table, and the gost uv Androo Jaxson hisself, inthe uniform uv 1812, come down through the ceelin. There wuz a frown onhis countenance, terrible to behold. Turnin to the company, he remarkedthat the gate-keeper uv hell must hev slept at his post, for out uv noother Depository cood there be gathered so many villianous countenances. "I perpose, " sed he, "to respond to this sentiment myself. " The Woodsslid out uv their seets, under the table; Breckinridge sneaked out uvthe church; Vallandigham, with his natural impudence, tried to face itout, but one look from Androo J. Finished him, and he slid, andBookannon tried to git out, but Androo caught him by the collar, andheld him. 

"I hev suthin to say to yoo. The chair yoo wunst disgraced, I okkepied, called to it, ez yoo wuz, by the voice uv the peeple. I swore topreserve the constitooshen and the yoonyun, and so did yoo. I did it, and yoo didn't. When South Carliny undertook to nullify, I bustid thearrangement, becoz I didn't propose to hev the yoonyun I fought for intwo wars go down to death, when a particle uv pluck, put in at the righttime, cood save it. Yoo mite hev dun the same, but yoo woodent. Yoo tookthe seat for the purpose of bustin it; for one term of the Presidencyyoo agreed to destroy the Government. 

"What are yoo here for?" shouted the gost in a terribly sepulkral tone, and a stampin his feet and grittin his teeth. "To celebrate the battleuv Noo Orleans? Yoo stole the livery uv Jaxon to serve Calhoon in. Underthe shadder uv my name, yoor dooing deeds wich, ef I wuz in the flesh, I'd hang yoo for. How I wished, in '60 and '61, I cood revisit theearth. I'd hev histed yoo out uv the seat yoo disgraced, and never hevlet Linkin hed the credit uv puttin down a rebellion. It wood hev binlively for some uv yoo. I'd hev ornamented the trees with your karkises;the Southern buzzards wood hev grown fat on secesh korpses. 

"Go back, yoo idiots--go back to your first love. Get the wool out uvyour teeth, and try to think more uv your country than yoo do uv ayaller girl. Yoo kin yit repent. A. Johnson, whose initials is the sameez mine, runs over with mercy, or he wood hev hung the half uv yoo. Repent and be saved. There is a slite chance for yoo yit. The dyin theefwuz pardoned on the cross, wich ought to be encouragin to yoo, for yoohev longer time left in wich to repent, and the Lord knows yoo need it. But ef yoo will go on in yer iniquity, do it on yoor own hook. Don'ttake my name in vain no more. I hevn't nothin in common with yoo, nornever had. Yoo yoosed to follow me, the same ez a drove uv jackals alluzfollers a lion, to devour the hides, and bones, and offal that hedespises. The lion hez gone hentz, and yoor takin his skin, and aretrying to imitate his roar. The skin hangs loose upon yoo, and the roaris a miserable squeak. Never let me hear of yoor celebratin any more uvmy doins. I go. "

And in another clap of thunder, the gost ascendid through the roof agin. 

I awoke. A cold sweat wuz a standin on my intellectooal brow, and amortal shiverin shook me. I wuz alone in the church, under the tablewhere I originally fell, and around me wuz skattered, in confusion, theremnant uv the feast. I thot to myself, ef sich wuz the effect uv adream uv the gost Jaxon, wat wood ensoo ef he shood be raised from thedead, and visit the Dimocrisy in the flesh. Then wood my prayer becontinooally, "Good Lord, deliver us. "

 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. 

VIII. 

A Plan suggested for the Up-building of the Democracy. --The Idea notNew, but one which the Leaders of the Fierce Democracy have acted uponfrom the Beginning. 

 CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), January 27, 1866. 

Halleloogy! halleloogy! halleloogy! I see a lite! It beams onto me! Itpenetrates me! It fills me! Goy to the world!

I hev diskivered the cause uv the decline uv the Dimocrisy. I seed ityisterday. I wuz a wanderin on the neighborin hills, a musin onto thecussednis uv humanity ez exemplified in the person uv the grocery keeperat the Corners, who unanimusly refoozed to give me further credit forcorn whisky, wich is the article they yoose in this country to pizentheirselves with. He asshoored me that he hed the utmost regard for mymany virtues; but he diskivered that the one he prized the most I hedn'tso many uv, to wit, that uv payin for my likker. Therefore the accountmite be considered closed. Then, for the fust time in my life, I bleevedin total depravity. 

While musin, in a melonkoly mood, on this dark cloud wich fell across mypathway, and the fall uv the Dimocratic party, I came onto a party ofmen borin for ile. Then the trooth flashed over me. Their operationsshowed me the way to success--the shoor path to triumph. 

"When, " said I to myself, "when men seek gain they bore for it. They godown--never up. " Even so with the Dimocrisy. We dug downward, downward, downward, through all the strata uv society. We went through thegroceries; the next stratum was the most ignorant uv the furiners; thenwe struck the poor whites uv the South; then, below them, the heft uvthe people uv Noo Gersy; then Southern Illinoy and Indiana; then Pikecounty, Missouri; and so on. We never went upward for converts, cause'twant no use. When a man wanted to jine us he alluz hed to come down. We got lots of converts. 

There was a regular slidin scale, which the heft uv Democrats who wuzntborn in the party hev slid down; to wit:--

Quarter dollar smiles. 

15 cent nips. 

10 cent drinks. 

5 cent sucks. 

A flat flask conceeled. 

A bottle openly. 

Dimocrisy. 

We lost our hold for two reasons. First, the poor likker we hev nowkills off our voters too fast; and the tax on whiskey forced two thirdsuv our people to quit suckin, and ez soon ez they begun to git on theirfeet they jined the Ablishnists. Secondly, our leaders spozed there wuzno lower stratum to dig into, and give up in disgust. 

But I hev deskivered that lower stratum--I hev found it; and when theidea flashed over my Websterian intelleck, I shouted Halleloogy! Thenigger is the lower stratum; and ef we bore down to it, and work itthoroughly, we hev, at least, a twenty years' lease uv power. 

We must cultivate the nigger. HE MUST HEV THE SUFFRAGE! It is a burninshame, that, in this Nineteenth Sentry, in the full blaze uvintelligence, livin under a Deklarashun which declares all men "free andekal, " that a large body uv men shood be denied the glorius privilege uvbein taken up to the poles and voted. Is not the Afrikin a man? Is henot taxed ez we are, and more than most uv the Democrisy, for many uv emown property? Is he not amenable to all the laws, even ez we is? Thenwhy, I triumphantly ask, is he not entitled to a vote? Ah! why, indeed?

"But this is Ablishnism!" methinks I hear a obtoose Dimocrisy observe inhorrer. "And why give them votes who will use em agin us?"

My gentle friend, _will_ they use their ballot agin us? Ef I knowmyself, I think not. Kin they read? Kin they write? Aint the bulk uv emrather degraded and low than otherwise? Methinks. Aint that the kind uvstock we want, and the kind wich hez alluz set us up? Readin hez alluzbin agin us. Every skool master is a engine uv Ablishnism; everynoosepaper is a cuss. General Wise, uv Virginia, when he thanked Godthere wuzn't a noosepaper in his deestrick, hed reason to; for do yoospoze a readin constitooency wood hev ever kept sich a blatherskite ezhim in Congress year after year?

Then, agin, the Constooshnal Amendment will pass, givin representashento voters alone. The Democratic States will hev more members uv Congressand more electoral votes than afore the war; and them States we kindepend on. 

But my skeem is still more comprehensive. Them niggers ain't needed inthe South. We'll send em North. A few thousand will overbalance theAblishun majority in Noo Gersey; fifty thousand will bring Ohio back tothe fold; the same number will do for New York and Pennsylvany, and thecountry is saved--we will be able to elect the President. Thus the pitthe Ablishnist dug for us he'll fall into hisself; the club he cut forus will break his own head. 

Honey hez kum out uv the carcass; good hez perceded from Nazareth. Thenigger smells sweeter to me now than Nite bloomin Serious; he is moreprecious to me than gold, or silver, or preshus stones. He is the way, and I shel walk in it. He shel lift me into a Post orifis. We must giveour Afrikin brother, --for is he not a man and a brother?--not only thesuffrage, but he must hev land, and the Democracy must give it to him. Iwant Garrit Davis to instantly interdoose a bill into the Senit givineach family a quarter section uv land, a pair uv mules, and a cookstove; and each female Afrikin brother two flarin calico dresses and ared bonnet. I want him to advocate the bill in a speech uv not more thantwo hours, so that it will stand some chance uv passin. On secondthought, I guess some other man hed better interdoose the bill, as theSennit hez got into sich a habit uv votin down everything he proposes, that they'd slather this without considerin it, on jineral principles. 

Then we've got em. Work ez hard ez they may at it, it'll take twentyyears afore the Ablishinists kin edjukate em up to the standard uv votintheir tikkit; and even that time won't do it if we kin git the tax takenoff uv whiskey, so that we kin afford to use it ez in the happy days uvyore. 

Goyusly I went home to lay the foundashun uv the new temple uvDimocrisy. I slept that nite atween two niggers, and hev bin shakinhands and enquirin after the health uv the families uv all I hev met. Its rather hard for an orthodox Democrat. Sich sudden shifts is ratherwrenchin on the conshence. But what uv that? The Dimocrat who hezfollered the party closely for thirty years ought not to balk at sich atriflin change ez this, pertiklerly when it promises sich gloriousresults. 

 "There's a lite about to gleem, There's a fount about to streem, Wait a little longer!"

 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. 

IX. 

Enjoys a Vision of the Next World, seeing therein many Curious Things, which are published as a Warning to Politicians. 

 CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), February 5, 1886. 

Last nite I retired to my virtoous couch, at precisely half past eleven, after eatin a rather light supper for that time uv night. I alluz makeit a pint to eat light in the evenin, for I'm gittin old, and mydigestive faculties ain't what they was when I wuz young. Alas! we whohev lived out the best part uv our days, wat wood we give to be set backto the time when, with our faculties unimpaired, we cood consoom a goodsquare meal without fear uv consekenses! But

 "Them happy days is fled, And never will return. "

[Illustration: NASBY'S DREAM OF THE FUTURE OF DEMOCRACY. ]

I paid my respecks to 2 mince pies, a pair uv pig's feet, some coldtongue, and a plate uv tripe, follered by a half dozen dough nuts and acouple or more uv glasses uv hot whisky punch; and singler ez it mayseem, it didn't set well. I dreamed all night, and my dreams wuznt atall pleasant. Methawt I hed deceest, and wuz in the next world. It was asingler site that met my vision. The dividin line atween this world andthe next wuz a swift stream uv water, and every deceest spirit hed tocross it. The water wuz suthin like that uv the Dead Sea. A man, unencumbered with anything, cood walk on it, but they sunk down in it ifthey wuz loaded, accordin to what they hed to carry. On the tother sideuv this Jordan wuz heaven; the dominions uv his majesty Satan the 1stwuz below, and to it a strong under current flowed, which took all themez wuz too heavy loaded to keep their chins above water. 

On the bank stood more than two millions uv little devils, who flungonto the shoulders uv them tryin to cross their failins, and weaknesses, and iniquities. 

General Breckinridge wuz the first that I saw enter the flood. He hed ona life preserver, labelled "States Rights, " but a peert little devilstuck a pin into it, and it collapsed, the gas with wich it wuz filledsmellin horribly. Down he went, and ez he sunk, they commenced peltinhim with packages labelled "Treason, " "Perjury, " and "Murder, " and JohnC. Went under. 

Old James Buckanon went next. The old gentleman didn't keep above wateras long ez a able bodied man could hold a bar uv red hot iron in hishand. He made one splash, when a weight labelled "Treason" struck him, and down he went. The gentlemanly and urbane devil who had him in chargehad a big pile more uv ammunition to discharge at him, but that one wuzsufficient. 

Vallandigham come next. I wuz surprised to see no one make a motion athim, but he sunk all the same. "We never waste effort, " sed Satan to me;"he carries enough natural cussedness about him, all the time, to sinkhim, without pilin any devilment on his shoulders wich is ten days old. "

Frank Peerce made his appearance, but declined to enter. He wuzimmediately seezed, and on each leg wuz tied a weight labelled "Kansas, "and they flung him in. He went down like a shot, and that's the last Iseed uv him. 

Garret Davis went in, and to my surprise, passed over safely. Nothin wuzflung at him, for wich I asked the reason. 

"Why, " sed Satan, "the poor old man isn't accountable. He commenced totalk many years ago, and keeps on talkin because he really don't knowwhen to stop. I could hev sunk him, but the fact is, I woodent endoorwhat the Senit uv the Yoonited States hez hed to, for the past fewyears, for a dozen uv Tombs lawyers. Besides this, I'm gettin more fromKentucky now than I am really entitled to. I've a mortgage on two-thirdsuv that State. "

Fernandy and Ben Wood come up rather bold, and entered the flood ezthough they were sure uv goin through all right. With a inimitablechuckle, Satan motioned away the inexperienced devils, and sed, "Leaveem to me, " and at Ben he hurled a package uv the New York News, wichswashed him down instanter. Jest ez Fernandy wuz beginnin to reach theother shore, he flung onto him an assortment uv weights, labelled"Lotteries" and "Riots, " which took him down to the arm pits, andfinished by tumblin onto him a mass, onto wich wuz written "Mayoralty, "and down he went; at wich His Majesty drew a sigh uv relief. 

Seein the style uv the men who sunk, I remarked unto him, --

"This war hez bin a rather profitable thing for you. "

"Nothin to speek uv, " sed he. "The leaders uv the Southerners were, sumuv em, honest, and got through on that account, and the rank and filewere ignorant wretches, who ain't accountable, no how. The leadingcopperheads uv the North were mine, anyhow, from the beginnin. Any manwho cood sympathize with the rebels in sich a struggle, must, yoo willacknowledge, hev hed a long career uv iniquity to fit em for sich a sin. Why, " sed he, "do yoo think I use all the shot I hev? Not any. Themyoove seen piled on were used because, bein the last, they were on thetop uv the pile. 

"Any quantity uv yoor party escaped me. Them fellows who are yet votinfor Jackson I'll never git, and the most uv them ez alluz votesunscratched tickets will dodge me. Their innocence protects em. It takesa modritly smart man to be vishus enuff to come to me; he hez to hevsense enuff to distinguish between good and evil, cussednis enuff todeliberately choose the latter, and brains enuff to do suthin startlinin that line. Dan Voorhees, uv Injeany, hez all these qualitiesdeveloped to a degree wich excites my profound respect. Between him andFernandy Wood its nip and tuck. Fernandy did wicked things with moreneatnis than Voohees, but for a actual love uv doin em Voohees beets theworld. I sed, " continued he, "that the war wuzn't uv much yoose to me. Irepeat it; it wuz a damage. Afore the war, I hed my own way, prettymuch, in the Southern States. For every octoroon, I cood count on atleast two planters, and under the patriarkle system uv Afrikin slavery(wich, by the way, wuz one uv my most brilliant consepshuns), octooroonsmultiplied with a rapidity pleasin to behold. But now, alas! theoctooroon bizness is done, and my best holt is gone. I hev some littlehope, however. The Dimocrisy are displayin a vigger I didn't think theypossest. Ef they kin only git strength enuff to elect the next Presidentand re-establish slavery! The thought fills me with unutterable joy. Theredoosin of the nigger to bondage agin wood give me a clean title toevry last one who helped to do it, and in gittin em back into theirnormal condishun (by the way, that's another phrase uv mine), ther'd beenuff slaughterin and murders to satisfy several sich Satans ez I am. I'd help em ef I knowd how, but I can't improve on either their speekersor writers, and ez long ez men will do my work gratis, I don't see theyoose uv interferin. "

At this pint a couple uv small imps undertook to push me into thestream, and in the struggle, I awoke. My dreem wuz o'er, but theimpreshun remained. "Kin it be, " mused I, pensively, "that we are dointhe devil's work, and are we to be finally rewarded in the manner I sawin my vision? Ef so, hedn't I better quit and repent?"

But I thought agin, that however it mite be for younger men, it wood beuv no yoose for me. I hed voted the strait ticket for thirty years, andthe ten or twelve years I hed to live wuz too short a time in which torepent successfully uv sich iniquity. So I sank into sleep agin, thistime dreemin that I had turned Fenian--hed elected myself Hed Center forthe Stait uv Kentucky, and wuz just investin $75, 000 in a magnificentplantashun. 

 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. 

X. 

SONNIT

Onto a Soldier, wich wuz wunst a Dimekrat, but is now a howlinAblishnist, wich I saw a limpin about on one Leg, hevin left the otherat Anteetam. 

 Bloo-koted monster! thou wentest forth Armed with thy rifle and sharp-pinted bayonet, Whose peeked eend with Southern blood is wet: I hate thee, tool and minyun uv the North! Thou wast a Dimekrat: them kote and pants, The wavin flag, the gun with peeked eend, Turned yoo into a Abolishn feend, Who sucked the blood uv Dimekratic saints. Monster unnachral! by niggerism hatched, Thousands and more uv Dimokrats yoo've slain, Who'll never rally to the poles again To vote, ez wunst they did, a tikkit all unskratched. Avant! the work yoo did our party is undoin: To us yoor kote uv bloo is jest bloo rooin!

XI. 

The Situation. --The Attempt of the President to wheedle Democrats intoSupporting his Policy without giving them the Offices commentedupon. --The Democracy warned. 

 CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), February 15, 1866. 

I hev had hopes uv Androo Johnson. My waitin sole hez bin centred ontohim for a year back. He wuz the Moses wich I spected wood lead theDemocrisy out uv the desolate Egypt into which we hev bin making brickswithout straw for five long weary and dreary years. O, how I hev yearnedfor Johnson! O, how I hev waited, day after day, and week after week, and month after month, for some manifestation uv Dimocrisy wich issatisfactory--suthin tangible--suthin that I cood take hold on. 

Faith is the substance uv things hoped for, and the evidence of thingsnot seen; wich is all right so fur ez religion ez concerned, but uv noaccount in politix. A friend uv mine, who wuz a monomaniack on thesubjick uv faith, undertook to live on it, under the insane belief thatef a man had faith pork wuz unnecessary. Wuz the experiment a success?Not any. When he commenst the trial he weighed 200; in a week he wuzdown to 125; and in fourteen days he slep in the valley!

I hev bin livin on faith for a year or more, and I too am thin. My bonesshow; light shines through me; I am faint and sick. Oh, for suthin thatI can see and feel--suthin solid!

Our Dimocratic noosepapers are supportin Androo Johnson. They claim thathis polisy is our polisy; that he is ourn, and we are hizn. They aresingin hosanners to him. At his every act they exclaim Halleloogy! inchorus. What is it all about? In what partikeler hez Androo Johnsonshowed hisself to be a Dimokrat? In the name uv Dimocrisy let me ask, "WHERE IS THE OFFICES?" Who's got em? What is the politikle convickshunsuv the wretch who is post master at the Corners, and who only last niterefused, in the most heartless manner, to trust me for postage stamps?Who is the Collectors, the Assessors, et settry? Are they constitooshnelDimokrats? Is Stanton, and Seward, and Welles histed out uv the cabinet, and Vallandigum, and Brite, and Wood apinted in their places? Not onct. Every post master, every collector, every assessor, every officer, is aablishinist, dyed deeply and in fast colors. 

Faith without works is a weak institution; its like a whisky punch withthe whisky omitted, wich is a disgustin mixter uv warm water and sugar. What is it to me (who hev bin ready to accept any position uv wich thesalary wuz sufficient to maintain a individooal uv simple habits) who isbeheaded, so ez I don't get a place? Androo Johnson may cut off offishlheads ez dexterously and proofoosely ez he chooses; but my sole refusesto thrill when I know that Ablishnists, though uv a different stripe, will be apinted. So long ez Dimocrats are kept out, what care I who hezthe places? Paul may plant and Apollus water; but uv what account is theplantin and waterin to me ef I don't get the increase? I take no delightin sich spectacles. Ef Androo Johnson proposes to be a Dimockrat, --ef hedesires the honest, hearty support of the party, --let him seel his faithwith works. 

I visited Washington with the express purpose uv seein the secondJackson. I am a frank man, and I laid the matter afore him withouthesitation. I told him that the Postmaster at the Corners wuz opposinhis policy and aboosin him continually; that it wuz a outrage that menholdin place under the Administration should not sustain theAdministration. In the name uv Right, I demanded a change. 

I sposed that to wunst the position would be offered to me; and afterprotestin a sufficient time that I did not wish it, and would prefer theapintment of some more worthy man, I should accept it, and go homeprovided for three years. Imagine my deep, my unutterable disgust, whenhe told me that he wood investigate the matter, and probably wood make achange, PROVIDED HE COULD FIND, IN THE VICINITY, SOME ORIGINAL UNION MANWHO WOULD ACCEPT THE PLACE!

Then the iron entered my soul. Then I felt that in him we had no lot norpart. 

Our principles are uv a very comprehensive nature. We are willin toendorse Androo Johnson, or any other man. We will endorse his theoriesuv Reconstruction, or any man's theories. We are elastic, like Injyrubber. The boy who set a hen on a hundred eggs acknowledged to hismaternal parent that she could not kiver em; but he remarked he wantedto see the old thing spred herself. We have that spreadin capacity. Wekin accommodate the prejudices uv the people uv all the variouslocalities. In Connecticut we are singin John Brown's body lies amouldrin in the grave, in a modritly loud tone, and supporting aAblishnist who voted for doin away with slavery in the District ofColumby and for the Constooshnel Amendment. In Kentucky we are hanginmen uv the John Brown style, and mobbin all uv the persuasion uv theConnecticut nominee. Sich a variety uv principle, --a party uv sichadaptability, --kin hev but one great central idee, on wich there is nodiversity uv opinion, and to which all other ideas is subordinate. Thatidea is POST OFFICE! and ef Androo Johnson could be got rite on thatquestion, we'd care not wat else he required uv us. 

We hev our arms around Androo. We are huggin him to our buzzums; but hehez left his baggage to hum. That baggage is wat we want; and we shelfling him off shortly, onless he changes his policy in this respeck. Hekin hev us on easy terms; but he must furnish the ammunishun with whichto fight his battles. Will he do it? That's the question a hundredthousand hungry soles, who hanker even ez I do, are daily askin. 

 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. 

XII. 

The President's 22d of February Speech. --The Account thereof of Onebehind the Scenes. --Hopes and Fears of the Democracy. 

 WASHINGTON, February 23, 1866. 

I don't know; but there is a still small voice within me wich whispers, "All is well!" The delusive phantom, Hope, may be playin false with me. The wish may be paternal parient to the thought, and I may be indulginin a dream from wich I shel be, to-morrer, roodly awakened; but it's myopinion that the day-star uv glory hez arozen onto the Dimocracy; thatour night uv gloom is over; and that, at larst, the Government, or atleast the only part we care about, --the offisis, --is ourn. I heerdAndroo Johnson speak last nite! I stood beside him! I helpt hold him up!I SMELT HIS BREATH. It's all rite!

I hed hopes when he vetoed that large and varied assortment uv Ablishnabominashens, --the Freedmen's Burow bill, --notwithstandin there werepints in his message I coodent sanction. The veto wuz heavenly, but hisreasons were unsound. When he expressed hisself ez bein determined uponsekoorin the niggers in their rites, I felt fearful that there wuz ahonist diffrence uv opinion atween him and Congress wich mite besettled, and then what wood become uv us? Ef the niggers is to hevrites, in the name uv Heaven, I asked myself, what difference does itmake to us whether they hev em by Charles Sumner's system (on whose headrest cusses!), or A. Johnson's? And ez is customary when men asktheirselves questions, I got no answer. Men never ask theirselvesquestions wich kin be answered. 

But last nite my doubts wuz removed. Little Sam Cox, and Dan Voorhees, and the Woods, and Tom Florence, and Coyle, and me, hed bin with Androoall day. The Ablishnists avoided him after the veto; and knowin he'ddone suthin he wuzn't quite shoor wuz wise, he needed bracin up, and wewuz ready to brace him. Isn't it singler that men, when they go to thedevil, alluz go in squads? Cox hed him cornered all day, a readin to himextrax from Forney's Press, and choice selections from Sumner'sspeeches; and Voorhees and the others wuz a intimatin to him that onlyin the buzzum uv the Dimocrisy cood he find that conjeniality uv speritso nessary to him; and by the time the serenade wuz ready, he wuz ezfull uv venom ez wuz possible, and his capassity in that line isimmense. 

The company all went with him onto the stand, and my eyes saw the firstcheerin vision wich they hev beheld for years. Before us stood tenthousand or more Dimocrats. There wuz the veteran from Lee's army in hissoot uv gray, which hed, by continyood contact with the pavements uvWashington--wich, not hevin bin slept on much, sense Bookannon's time, they don't sweep--hed become somewhat uv the color uv the clay. Therewuz the offiser who surrendered with Johnston, and them noble sons uvBaltimore, and Rawly, and Charleston, who, though they didn't servetheir section in the field, were ardent in their support uv the cause. There were the old-style Dimocrats uv the North, whose faith inJohnson's Dimocrisy, based upon the scene wich took place at theinauguration, wuz greater than mine, hed come on with their applicationsfor Post Offises, and who jined so heartily in the cheers wich went upfor J. Davis: and there, addressin this crowd, wuz a President--the manwho had the appintin power in his hands--who cood make and unmake PostOffisis. 

It did me good, and yet I doubtid. Wood he go through with it? Wood helock horns with Wade and Sumner, and dare the wrath uv Thad Stevens?Wood he? He wavered and shrunk back ez he saw the style uv the awdiencebefore him; for he hed bin, for four years, accustomed to better dressedpeople. But Cox and Florence wuz ekal to the emergency. Samyooelwhispered into his one ear, "Whitewash!" and Florence into tother, "Charles the I. !" and flamin up like a conflagratid oil well, he wadedit. Then I felt that it wuz all right. Then my soul expanded; and ez hewent on, pilin Billinsgate upon Billinsgate, usin Tennessee stump slang, improved by a liberal mixter uv the more desprit variety he hed pickedup in Washinton and Baltimore, I felt that it wuz indeed well with us. He wuz talkin ez a Dimokrat to Dimokrats; and it wuz appreciated. Strippin off all uv the disguise he hed bin a wearin for fouryears, --washin off, in rage and whisky, the varnish and putty with wichhe hed shined up his dullness, and filled up the cracks and cavitieswich hed alluz troubled him, --he stood forth ez we knowd him--AndrooJohnson! How he did froth and foam! How he did lash his late associates!and how those Dimokrats who kum to Washinton with petitions for placesin their pockets did wink at each other, and poke each other in theribs, with exultation and jockelarity wich they cood not conceal! Andhow the Ablishnists, wich hung onto the outskirts uv the crowd, in thehope that he wood declare himself in sich a way ez to give em some hope, did walk away sorrowfully and sore, ez tho they felt that they hed a newtrouble afore em! And how the soljers uv Lee, and the quartermasterswich hed made Richmond their headquarters doorin the war, did cheer andsling their hats into the air, and in the uncontrollable enthoosiasm uvthe moment invariably snatch better ones from the heads uv the Northernmen in the crowd! It wuz gorgus. 

While His Eggslency's course gives me hope, I don't want it to beunderstood that I am prepared to fully and entirely indorse him. I don'tgo much on men who do things in a state uv madnis; neither do I investheavy in that Dimokrat wich requires an extra load uv likker to make himact and talk like a Dimokrat. Androo Johnson was and is a Dimokrat--aginooine Dimokrat. The accident uv his learnin to read, in his yooth, gave him a preëminence over us in Tennessee, and put him through thevarious places he hez filled. His affinities wuz with us; his style wuzour style, and his habits our habits; and he hed no biznis to ever gitout uv the fold. I cannot forgit that he went back on us at a critikletime in the histry uv the party. He saw that the effort the Dimocrisy uvthe South wuz makin to regain their rites wood be a failyoor; thearistocracy uv the South hed snubbed him, and refoozed to recognize him;but all this shood not hev affected him. It's the normal condishn uv thelower grade uv Dimokrats to be snubbed; and they hev no rite to inquirewhether anything the aristocracy uv the party propose is goin to be afailyoor or not. It's their dooty to obey orders without questionin. 

Wat spiled Johnson wuz Massachoosits. He pretended to be loyal, andMassachoosits patted him on the back. They took him into good society. They let him associate with Sumner and sich, and the man becameinfatooated. He got to drinkin high priced drinks, and wearin cleanshirts, and begun to ape the manners uv those into whose sphere he hedbin thrown, There wuz these two opposin forces contendin withinhim--nateral proclivities and acquired tastes--wich may be representedby whiskey out uv a jug, and mint jooleps at Willard's. Massychoositswuz a pullin him up, and North Carolina wuz equally vigorously pullinhim down. He wantid to stay with Massychoosits, but he wuz uncomfortableall the time; and finally nacher asserted her supremacy, and he brokeover, and like the water long confined in a dam, when its bustid itsobstructions, and goes, it goes with a loosenis, and tears up, and takesa very large quantity uv dirt and drift wood with it. 

Before I tie myself to A. J. , I want to know fer certin what he proposesto do. WHO IS TO HEV THE POST OFFISIS? Is Ablishnists to still retainthe places uv trust and profit? Does he propose to organize a new party, made up uv sich Republikins ez he can indoose to foller him and theDimocrisy? Ef so, I ain't in. Decidedly, I ain't in. Emphatically, countme out. For the reason, that he kin git jist enuff Republikins, percisely, and no more, to fill the offisis, and they will be uv sich acharacter ez will do the Dimokrisy no credit. I won't be tail to nokite. We are willin to play kite; but tail, never! Ef we boost AndrooJohnson, Androo Johnson must boost us. Does he think we kin carry sich aload ez he is for nothin? Nary. Ef we hev a consoomin desire to gitalong without offisis, we are doin very well at that now, we thank you;and we haven't the responsibility uv the Administration uv a eggstremelyshaky man to carry. Sich loads must be paid for. 

But, after all, I hev hopes. He hez cut hisself loose from Sumner andStevens; and in less than a week every Republikin uv modritsensibilities will be aboozin uv him to that extent that he won't beable to git back agin. He's an animal uv the bull kind; and criticismand opposition is to him the red flag wich the Spanish matadors, Ibleeve they call em, waves afore the animals they wish to infooriate, and they may drive him into our ranks. 

I wait, and watch, and hope. Ef I kin wunst git a commission, with thebroad seel uv the Postmaster General onto it, confirmin me in thepossession uv the Post orifis at the Corners, I shel bless the day thatAndroo Johnson left us, and prokoored his elevation to the Presidency. May the day be hastened!

 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. 

XIII. 

Another Warning. --Profuse Expenditure of Powder and TorchlightProcessions deprecated. --The President implored to show his Hand. 

 CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), February 29, 1866. 

I notice, all over the North, the Democrisy is a firin guns, and marchinafter brass bands, and hirin halls for endorsin Androo Johnson. Ez asentinel on the watch-tower, I protest!

In the name uv suffrin Kentucky, uv wich State I am a adopted sitizen, Iprotest!

In the name uv common sense and ordnary politikle sagassity, I protest!

Androo Johnson may possibly be on the high road to Dimocrisy; but, ezyet, what ashoorence hev we? Am I datin my letters from "Post Orifis, Confedrit × Roads?" Hez there bin, as yit, any well authenticated caseuv the removal uv a Ablishnist, and the apintment uv a constooshnelDemocrat in his stead? Not that I hev heard of. Per contrary, theAblishnists--them ez wuz apinted by Linkin--are still holdin on, ez calmez a summer mornin, without any apparent fear uv any change affectinthem. 

Who pays for the Halls? Who pays the music? Who pays the Powder?Dimocrats who do these scent Post Offises in the distanse. Are they likethe the war hoss in Job's writins, who smelled the battle afar off, andremarked Ha, Ha! to the trumpets? Let me enticet sich that they kin makea better investment uv their means. 

The cost uv one meetin, put in korn whisky, wood not only solacetheirselves, but start half a dozen Ablishnists on the road toDimocrisy. 

Men is deceptive. I hev hopes uv Androo Johnson myself, and principallybecoz Vallandigum and Fernandy Wood hev hopes. Them buzzards kin smellcarrion a long distance, and they are seldom at fault. In this case, they may be. They base their hopes on Johnson's speech, at Washington, on the 22d. There may be suthin in it; but ain't it possible that thestench wich they took for Dimocrisy, and wich they sposed cum fromJohnson, ariz from them ez surrounded him?

"But, " sez a Dimocrat, whose nose, from long continued lack of supplies, hez softened down from a generous crimson to a ghastly bloo, and whowoodent hev a small Post orifis at no price, ef it wuznt offered him, "look at the class he spoke to. "

Wat noncents! Androo wuz mad. There wuz a mass uv bile on hiz politiklestumick wich must be got rid uv. He had sum nasty things to say, and itwuz a part uv the eternal fitness uv things that he shood hev a nastyaudience to say em to. 

I don't propose to go orf into spasms over the present sitooashun. Johnson proposes to continoo the Freedmens' Buro, and hezn't no noshunof repeelin the test oath, or uv drawin the military out uv theDimocratik States. So far as heard from, we uv the South is still in astait of abject custitood. Our habis corpuses wich Linkin took away fromus hevn't bin returned, and we are obleeged to git along ez best we kinwithout em. I knocked down a small nigger yisterday, for the purpus uvassertin the sooperiority uv the Cauchashun race over the Afrikin, andwuz to wunst hauled up afore a Freedmen's Buro, and fined. Ourhigh-toned and chivalrous members are exclooded from Congris on thefrivolus plea that they wuz kernels and briggydeer Ginerals in theConfederit servis; and all these outragis agin Dimocrisy Androo Johnson, by permittin, absolootly approves. 

I could probably swaller all these things. I am a Dimokrat uv thirtyyears standin, and, uv course, hev bin on both sides uv every politiklefence. The seats of my politikle pants is full of slivers. But, before Itake down these things, I WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM GOIN TO GIT FOR IT. EfAndroo Johnson goes back on his party and his pledges, he, uv course, asks us to go back on ourn. In sich transactions, where both parties, bybein engaged in it at all, confess themselves ruther a low grade ofskoundrels, I think it well enuff to hev the consideration paid down. 

Ef Androo Johnson wants me, he knows the terms. I am his to command, fora consideration; ez much so ez is the thousands uv Demokrats who hevbin, for the past week, gittin up Demonstrations. But I want suthin togo on. When I hev his permisson, under the broad seel uv the Post OrfisDepartment, to write "P. M. " after my illustrious name, I shell beprepared to wade in. I hev bin huntin up several reasons for supportinhim. I hev em all ready. I only want this additional one, and then Ifling my banner to the breeze. Faith is sed to be the sun of allreligious systems. POST OFFIS is the central figger in all Democraticcreeds--the theme uv conversation by day, and the staple uv dreems bynight. How long! oh, how long!

 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. 

XIV. 

Refuses to Support the President, having no Confidence in Him. --Againwarns the Democracy. 

 CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), March 12, 1866. 

The politikle sky is orecast with friteful clouds. Darkness is on theface uv the waters. The waves is a rollin mountin high, the liteninflashes ominous thro the gloom, and the deep-mouthed thunder muttersangrily in the distants. Ez a sentinel on the watch-tower, I look out, and what do I see? I see the old ship uv State loaded down with avaluable cargo uv Post-offices, Collectorships, and sich, a laborin inthe trough uv the sea, her bowsprit cove in, her top-gallant lanyardsbustid, her jib-boom a flutterin in the gale, her capstan spliced, andher sheet anker torn to ribbons. (Not hevin bin a sailor, only ez adriver on the Wabash Kanal, it is possible my nautikle terms may not bealtogether correct. But it makes no difference in the interior uvKentucky. ) She is strivin to make her harbor, and is workin manfully. Close behind her is the long, low, rakish skooner Dimocrisy, with allsale set, a tryin her best to overtake her and board her. For a time itseemed ez tho she wood be successful, but alas! she is fallin astern, and every minnit the distance between em is a widenin, widenin, widenin, and at present writin there ain't the remotest prospect uv their gettinwithin hailin distance uv each other. 

To drop mettafor (wich, by the way, I kin jerk when I feel sodisposed), the prospect isn't ez encouragin ez it wuz, and I fear, infact I feel certain, that the short cut to offis wich the Democrisythought it had found through Androo Johnson's veto, is reely thelongest way round. I cannot understand what indoost the Dimocraticleaders, our chosin standard-bearers, to make sich egrejus asses uvtheirselves ez to place enny dependence on Johnson at all. What coodthey hev bin thinkin uv? Wuz not our experience in 1864 sufficient todeter em from makin any experiment wich involved abandonment uv any uvour principles? Didn't we, in the hope uv ketchin Abolition war votes, nominate MickLellan, and didn't the war men jeer us, and flout us, andsay, "Behold, we hev better war men uv our own; why shood we leave hometo find that uv wich we hev a plenty?" When Androo Johnson, in a fit uvtemporary indignashun, split on Sumner, why did our people, likeidiots, pick him up, and endorse him without givin the matter matoorconsiderashun--without waitin for the fax? Didn't they know that Sumnerwuz a sort uv a dose uv calomel, wich worked on the President's liver, and necessitated the discharge uv all the offensive matter wich hedaccumulated doorin his long term uv Dimocrisy? Uv course it wuz, andto-day Androo Johnson, hevin in that speech got rid uv the lastvestidge uv Dimocrisy wich infected him, comes up a stronger man aginus than ever. We made two errors: On the 4th uv March, 1865, at hisinoggerashun, when he made a spectacle uv hisself, we murmured gentlyto ourselves, "It's all right! he's yet wun uv us. " And we sed the sameafter the splurge uv the 22d uv February last. Oh, my friends, they wuzboth fatal errors. Them spasms wuz the efforts uv a noble nacher atryin to git rid uv Locofocoism, and from the fact that he immejitelyafter commenst a missellaneously apintin Abilishnists and Republicansto offises, and hezn't showed a sine uv a disposition to extend hishand to a single confidin Democrat, it's my opinion he's succeeded. 

We bet too heavy on the fight atween the President and Sumner. Sumner isordained to alluz hev a gong uv sum kind, which he is also ordained tokeep perpetually a poundin. He's bin for several years amusin hisself apoundin the Dimocrisy, and when there wuzn't enuff uv that to make itinterestin, he turned on Johnson, and he'll pound at him till suthinelse excites his wrath. He's a Spanish bull, possessin sharp horns, anda immense amount uv strength and agility, which he is continooally awastin by jumpin at sich red flags ez are mischeevusly waved afore him. He's jest ez apt to gore his frends ez his enemies, and his lungin atJohnson wuz no sign that Johnson had gone back on Ablishnism. 

But enuff uv this. Sence it hez become a fixed fact that the boorishtailor, who now by accident okkepies the place uv the marter Linkin, made vacant by his untimely death by the hand uv a vile assassin (whoseonly redeemin trait wuz that he wuz a stanch, uncompromisinDimocrat), --now, I say, that it's plain that this drunken sot ain'tagoin to distribute the patronage amongst us who need it so much, I ask, in indignashun, wat is it that we are asked to endorse?

He proposes to continue the Freedmen's Buro bizness. 

He refooses to withdraw the military from the Dimokratic States. 

He refooses to restore to our sufferin brethren uv the Dimocratic Statesthe habis corpusses wich the tyrant Linkin wrested from them. 

He keeps Jefferson Davis a pinin in a loathsome dungeon, and onlyrefooses to bring him to trial becoz, 4sooth, he haint yet got things inthe right shape to hang him. 

I cood enumerate other insults and opressions he hez piled uponDimocrats, but I forbear. I might, if I wuz disposed to harrow up theDimocratic sole and lasserate the Dimocratic bosom, state how I wuztreated, when, on the 24th uv Febrooary last I made a delegashun uvmyself, and went to Washington for the purpose uv layin before him thenecessity uv the removal uv the postmaster at the Corners, and theapintment uv myself in his stead. I found that his speech had reachedall other parts uv the Yoonited States ez soon ez it hed Kentucky, forthere wuz suthin over a hundred thousand stanch Dimocrats there, allwith petitions noomerously signed, wich they hed held over fromBookannon's administration, recommendin uv em to places. How wuz wereseeved? How did Androo Johnson treet us? I mite say how emphatically Iwuz shoved out uv his room, and with what reckless profanity I heerd himremark that Washington had stunk with secesh ever since he vetoed thebill; that that foolish speech had acted on the whole country like apuke, and that each State had spewed its foulest material ontoWashington, and that the atmosphere wuz heavy with their breath, etsettry, et settry, but I forbear. 

Suffice it to say that the few Democratic members uv Congress had hardwork borrowin money enuff to git the most spectable uv the crowd homeagin, and even then thousands uv em who wuz drawed there by that speech, shoor uv apintments, wuz obliged to _walk_ home ignominiously, uv whom Iwuz which. 

Androo Johnson may be worthy uv Dimocratic support, but he hez a queerway uv showin it. I know not wat others may do, but ez for me and myhousehold I'll run after no strange gods. Ef he wants us, let him callon us in language wich we kin understand. 

 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. 

XV. 

The Patriarchal System. --An Affecting Appeal in Behalf of a Friend. 

 CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), March 19, 1866. 

Yesterday I happened to pick up a kopy uv a friteful depraved Ablishinpaper, and my horror-stricken eyes wuz glued to the follerin passage, which I read:--

"I am happy to state to you that our free negroes are doing finely. Wehave no trouble with them. They have all gone to work manfully. Theygive an impetus to trade that we never before had. I have sold JohnGuttle's negroes, this year and last, more goods than I ever soldGuttle, and he owned two hundred and fifty slaves. So you see the freenegro system is working well with us. "

Ez I peroozed them lines, tears started involuntarily from my beamineyes, and coursed in torrents down my venerable cheeks. I know JohnGuttle well, I may say intimately. He wuz a dear friend, --one uv the fewwich I kall friend in the most catholic and comprehensive sense uv theword. He holds my note fur eighteen dollars and 63 cents; and I hevsumwhere among my papers, wich I have alluz carefully preserved forreference, a memorandum uv his address, that I might be shoor not toforget to send it to him. I give him the note becoz he furnished thepaper, and it made him easy in his mind--I put down the memorandum bekozit looked business-like. Benevolence is a prominent trait in mykaracter. When givin my note for borrered money will do a man good, Inever begrudge the trouble uv writin it. 

But wat I wuz a goin to say wuz, that the feendishnis uv that itempasses belief. The writer puts it in print to show that the Ablishn uvslavry benefitted sumbody. I grant him that the merchant, whoundoubtedly wuz born in Massachusetts, wuz benefitted by the change; soare the greesy mechanics who are now pollutin the soil uv Alabama; andso, probably, are the 250 niggers; but, in the name uv Liberty, in thename uv Justice, in the name uv the Constertooshun uv the YoonitedStates, and the flag uv our Common Country, I ask, HOW ABOUT JOHNGUTTLE?

John Guttle is robbed. John Guttle is deprived uv his property. The bredis taken from John Guttle's mouth; his staff is broken; his dependenceis gone; he is bereft. 

Never shall I forget John Guttle or his hospitable mansion, ez I knowedit in the happy year afore the crooel war. He wuz a gentleman uv the oldskool--one uv the few left us in these degenerate days. His home wuz wunuv unalloyed happiness. Situated just back uv Mobeel, he had the finestplantashun in that section, and hed on it 250 niggers. All shades wuzrepresented. There wuz the coal-black Cuffee, whose feechers denoted thepure Afrikin, and whose awkward manners showed that he wuz not long fromAfrika. There wuz the civilized mulatto, in whose veins the Guttle bloodshowed; the quadroon, in whom the good old Guttle blood predominated;and the octoroon, which wuz mostly Guttle. The Guttleses wuz eminently aChristian generation. They wuz devoutly pious; and there never wuz oneuv the name who cood not repeat, without the book, all uv the textsbearin on slavery. The passages in which Onesimus and Hager figger wuzfavorites with em; but on "cussid be Canaan" they wuz strong. Forgenerations they had mourned over the hard fate uv the sons uv Ham, doomed to perpetooal bondage becoz uv the sin uv their father; and witha missionary spirit ekaled by few and excelled by none, they did theirpart towards redoosin that cuss, by makin ez many of em ez possiblehalf-brothers to the more favored race uv Japhet, and thus bringing uvem out uv the cuss; and they had mellered the color uv their chargesdown from the hideous black to a bright yeller. Under the old patriarklesystem, time passed orf smoothly and pleasantly with the Guttle family. Them 250 niggers wuz obliged, uv course, to work, and their labor wuzmoney. John bought each uv the male sons uv Ham too soots uv close perannum, and each uv the female sons uv Ham one soot. It wuz consideredhealthy for the young ones to go naked, which they wuz religiouslyallowed to do, ez none uv the Guttles uv that family wood do any thingagin nater or her laws. The girls hed pianos, and wuz educated at theNorth; the boys wuz celebrated for horse racing and their skill at losinmoney at faro. They wuz hospitable and generous to a fault. Their housewuz open house, and their beverages wuz alluz the best. Money wuz noobjick to them; for when they had a severe attack of poker, or faro, orhoss racin, they hed plenty uv octoroons and quadroons, with the realGuttle nose, wich brand wuz well known in Noo Orleans, and wood alluzcommand the highest possible figger that wuz paid in that market; or, efthey had no more than they wanted at home uv that style, why, a fewfield hands wood be sold, and the remainin ones wood be persuaded by theoverseer to do the work uv the whole. John Guttle's sons wuz all in theConfederit army. His daughters, willin to sacrifice every thing fur thecause, heroically pledged theirselves to whip the niggers theirselvesdoorin their absence. 

Now all is changed! A shadder hez fallen across that peaceful home. Thenigger quarters is there, but the niggers is not. The broad plantashunis divided up into small farms, and half uv it is owned by Ablishnistsfrom the North, who work theirselves, and who hev a meetin house on onecorner uv it, and the niggers a skool house on the tother. The racetrack is plowed up and in cotton; the whippin-post and the stocks istaken down and burned; all, all the evidences uv civilizashun hez fadedafore the ruthless hand of the invader. John Guttle--that generous oldman--subsists by the labor uv his own hands. One uv his sons ekes out amiserable existence running a dray in Mobeel; another, who is giftedwith no ordinary intelleck, earns a respectable livin playin seven-up;in a small way, with his former niggers; and the two girls is runnin asewing masheen. 

Talk not to me uv benefits. What is a dozen tradesmen and two hundredand fifty niggers to the gellorious old Dimocratic John Guttle? What isthe interest uv a dozen or so uv Noo England mechanics, and the niggersaforesaid, when compared to that glorious aristocracy which can neverexist beside em? Kin I go and borrer eighteen dollars and sixty-threecents uv one uv them? No. Becoz, working for their paltry livins, theyplace a higher valyoo on money, and will not spread it around ezprofoosely ez the nobble race which preceded em. 

Another great wrong is done in this settin free uv John Guttle'sniggers. John Guttle hez, uv course, no further interest in theDimocratic party. Slavery wuz the umbillikle cord which united theSouthern slaveholder and the Northern Dimocrat; and, that cord cut, whyhez John Guttle any more interest in Dimocracy? We stood ez a Chinesewall between them and the rushin flood uv Ablishn fanaticism; and wemade the wall biznis pay. They furnished money, and we did the work;and, there bein but few uv us, the orfisis wuz easily divided. Alas! ourokepashin's gone. The South is forever lost to us; for she has no dirtywork for us to do. 

I appeal to the Yoonited States uv America. In behalf uv John Guttle, Isay, give him back his niggers. In behalf uv the Dimocrisy North who areout uv employment, give him back his niggers. In behalf uv his son whois runnin a dray, give him back his niggers. In behalf uv his daughtersrunnin a sewin machine, give him back his niggers. Make things Normalagin. Like John the Baptist, the Government shall hear the voice uv onehowlin in the wilderness until all these is done. 

 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. 

XVI. 

A Dream. --The Corpse of Republicanism. --Who the Mourners were, and howthey felt. --The awakening of the Sleeping Giant, and the Scattering thatfollowed. 

 CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), March 30, 1866. 

I hev bin to Washinton. That Ablishn Postmaster at the Corners hedbecome to me a nitemare. Day after day I seed him a handlin guvmentmoney, drawin his salery promptly, and takin his drinks reglerly, whileI, a Constooshnel Dimekrat, a supporter uv our great and good President, wuz forced to the humiliashun uv waitin till I wuz treated, ceptin whena new grocery keeper cum in, which gave me a chance to establish acredit for a short time. I felt that sumthin must be done, and thereforeI went to Washinton. 

Knowin that for men uv my profound convickshins, holdin my views ez toconsiliashen and sich, I hed no call to go to the Postmaster-General, who is a Ablishnist, I went dreckly to the Second Jaxon hisself. Isucceeded in gettin a audience late in the afternoon. Our patron saintwuz a sittin at a table, eggsausted with receevin delegashens and sich. 

"Well, " sed he. 

"Honerd and spected sir, " said I, "I am a applicant for the post orfisat Confedrit × Roads, wich is at present held by a Ablishnist who doesnot beleeve in yoor policy, wich I do beleeve in solemnly. Spected andhonered sir, " sed I, "ef I shood have twins born to me this nite, Ishood name em both Policy. "

"Wich State are yoo from?" sed he, half asleep. 

"From Kentucky, honered and spected sir, " sed I. 

"Well, " sed he, yawnin feerfully, and turnin to a clerk, "FILL OUT APARDON, AND GIVE HIM A COMMISSION!"

"Honered and spected sir, " sed I, in a fit of loonacy for wich I can'taccount, "I don't need a pardon. I wuz never in the late lamentedConfedrit servis. "

"What'n thunder, then, are yoo here for, beggin a post offis? Git out, yoo imposter!" and I wuz too wunst ignominiously showed to the door. Ididn't quite understand the lay uv the land around the White House. 

In vane I tried to git back, that I might convince him I did ez much forthe Confederasy ez my humble abilities permitted, and that I neededconsiliatin ez badly ez anybody. Then, hart broke and dead broke, notheving the wherewith to prokoor more sootable lodgin, I lay me down onthe cold stun steps, and sought refuge from my troubles in sleep. 

I dreemed a dream. Methawt I wuz in a room in the White House. Stretchedout on one side uv the room wuz the corpse uv a giant, a monster in sizeand strength, but withal uv a pleasin presence, and fair to look upon. Onto its head was a liberty cap, and by its side wuz a sword, considerably dinted, and with all the gildin knocked off. 

"Wat is these?" sed I, pointin to the corpse, askin a sort uv aattendant. 

"Them, " replied he, "is the defunct carcass uv Republikinism. He was ahefty yooth in his day, but he died this mornin. Look! the mourners area comin to divide his clothes. "

And shoor enuff, they came in. At the head wuz the second Jaxon, whichthe Ablishnists derisively call Moses, who appeared to be angry, andclost behind him wuz Seward, a weepin out uv one eye, and a smilin outuv tother, and Jim Lane, who hed a handkercher wich he occasionally putto his eyes, but wich I notist wuz ez dry ez a lime kiln, and Doolittle, and Lee, and Raymond, and Beauregard, and Cowan, and Stephens, andThurlow Weed, and Vallandigham, and Governor Sharkey, and a host uvothers, all uv wich ranged theirselves around the bier. 

"He wuz a promisin yooth, " sed Seward, a puttin his handkercher to hiseyes, "but the atmosphere uv the White House wuz too much for him. Iinsist, however, " sed he, a pocketin the handkercher, and takin hold uva trinket the corpse held in his hand, labelled "Presidency, 1868, " fromwhich hung mor'n a million uv smaller trinkets, "that ez 'twas me thatpizened him, this is mine. "

"Nary, " sed Johnson; "I did the biziness for him, and it's mine. "

"Settle it ez yoo please, " sed Raymond, gently, "but whoever gits itmust remember that this Secretaryship is mine. "

"And I, " sed Doolittle, "must hev, for my assistance, this little affairmarked 'St. James, ' for my seat in the Senit is a goner. "

"For my part, " sed Jim Lane, "the western appointments is mine. Itsworth em all to wear this collar. "

"My friends, " sed Stephens, "I find no amnesty about the corpse. Theremust be one manufactured and stuck in his pocket, to be prodoost at thefuneral. "

Thurlow Weed sed nothin, but looked on with a sardonic smile, knowinperfeckly well that whoever took the biggest part uv the plunder, he'dcontrol it, any way. 

Governor Sharkey laid claim to a secretaryship, and Boregard to theplace uv Sherman, and Lee to Grant's position, and Vallandigham wantedthis, and tother feller that, and there wuz a terrible hubbub over thecorpse. Wilkes Booth's gost came in, and wanted to know what he wuz tohev in the new deal, "for, " sed he, "ef't hadn't bin for me, where'd yooall hev bin? Talk uv the White House atmosphere killin him! I'm sure theshadder uv the buildin blasted what little uv his spirit yoo hed, " sedhe, a turnin to Seward, "but ef Linkin hed lived, ha, ha!" sed he, in atragedy voise. Then in trooped a lot uv other gosts. There wuz BillAllen, uv Ohio, and Washington Hunt, uv Noo York, and Jeems Bookannon, uv Pennsylvania, and Eli Thayer, and Lew. Campbell, and Garret Davis, who started to make a speech, but the entire assemblage stuck theirfingers in their ears, wich hint he took for the first time in his life, and desisted. 

Finally Johnson swore "by the eternal" (he got that noshun from thefirst A. J. , wich he thinks he resembles, coz his innitials is the same, and coz the original vetoed a bill wunst) that he wood hev thePresidency, and gobbled it. Seward, he snatched at it, and they tussled. The company stood by to see it out, for it made but little difference tothem wich got it. In the skrimage Johnson happened to ram Seward up agina window on the north side uv the room, and smashed it out. Jest then ablast uv north wind poured into the room through the aperture, andblowed onto the face uv the corpse. The effect was electrikle. Life ranthrough his veins, his face flushed, and the livid hue was changed tothe ruddy glow uv health. The dead wuz alive; the giant raised to hisfeet, and looked around him, shakin off them ez wuz a hangin to him likeinsex. Noticin the trinket wich hed caused the skrimage in Johnson'shand, he took him by the neck, and twistin it out uv his hand, flung himgently through the winder. "I ain't made up my mind who to give this to, but yoo bet it ain't yoo, " sed he. 

"Willyum, " sed he, turnin to Seward, "I'm surprised at yoo. Wuz thisbauble the price uv yoor honesty and yoor principle? Go, Willyum! Ez foryoo, Doolittle, yoo never wuz half baked; yoo, Thurlow, put Raymond inyour vest pocket, and quit the presence. Yoo, Jim Lane, I leave to thetender mercies uv my friends in Kansas. Clear out the balance uv thisrabble, and send for my friends. I've bin pizened, and smothered, andstunk nigh to death. Clear out the house, and sweep it, and sprinklechloride uv lime; and sich, all over it. Shut down them Southernwindows, and open those on the North, East, and West sides. I want asnuff uv fresh air, for I--"

At this pint I awoke, and found myself, not in the White House, but onthe steps thereof, cold and shiverin. In my pocket wuz the papers wichdidn't get me the post orifis I wuz seekin, and in my mind wuz chaoticconfusion. Wuz the dream prophetic, or wuz it merely a vagary uv themind, wich, wen loosed from its clay, sores off onto its own hook, without any restraint. Is the giant Republican actually dead, or is hein a trance? Will it arise, and scatter them ez hez appinted themselvesadministrators uv its estate, and wich are beginnin to divide theassets, or will he stay ded? Wood, oh wood, that I knowed!

 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. 

XVII. 

A Kentucky Tea Party. --Opinion entertained by Mrs. Deacon Pogram ofCharles Sumner. --Discussion between Mrs. Deacon P. And an IllinoisStore-keeper of the name of Pollock. --Miscegenation. 

 CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), April 1, 1866. 

Charles Sumner is not a very popular man in this section uv Kentucky; onthe contrary, quite the reverse. He is known here ez an Ablishnist; ezone who is a chief supporter uv that hidjus sin--the infidelity, I maysay, for a man may ez well deny the whole Bible ez to cast discreditupon Onesimus, Hagar, and Ham, onto wich the whole system uv Afrikinslavery rests--the origenator, therefore, uv the infidle beleef thatSlavery is not uv divine origin, wich, judgin from the experience uv thelast five years, appears to be gainin ground in the North. He is not, therefore, popular in this region. 

Yisterday I attendid a tea party at Deekin Pogram's, to wich the eliteuv the Corners wuz present, incloodin an Illinoy store-keeper uv thename uv Pollock, wich hed bin invited because the Deekin hed, some threemonths ago, bought a bill uv goods uv him on ninety days' time, andwantid an extension. 

While at the table enjoyin the

 "Cup wich cheers, but don't intoxicate very much, "

ez Dryden hez it, tho I bleeve, to keep off chills, in this country, they mix three and a half parts uv whiskey to one uv tea, the name uvSumner wuz mentioned. 

Mrs. Pogram to-wunst remarked that she didn't want the name uv that ojuscreecher spoken at her table. 

"Why?" sed I, gratified at the ebulition. 

"I hate him!" sed she, spitefully. 

"So do I, " replied I; "but what hev yoo agin him, aside from hisobnoxious political opinions?"

"Didn't he marry a nigger?" sed Mrs. P. , triumphantly. "Didn't he marrya nigger--a full-blooded nigger? and hezn't he hed nineteen yallerchildren, every one uv wich he compelled, agin their will, to marryfull-blooded niggers? Didn't he--"

"Mrs. P. , " sed this Illinoy store-keeper, wich his name it wuz Pollock, "do yoo object to miscegenation?"

"Missee--what?" replied she, struck all uv a heap at the word. 

"Miscegenation--amalgamation--marryin whites with niggers. "

"Do I?" retorted she; "ketch a son uv mine marryin a nigger! They areanother race; they'r beasts; and who'd marry em but jist sich men ezSumner and them other Ablishnists?"

"Then permit me to ask, " sed this Pollock, wich wuz bound to kick up amuss, "ef ther's any race uv pure blood in this section uv Kentucky, wich is yaller?"

"No! uv course not, " sed Mrs. P. ; "them yaller people is mulatters--halfnigger, half white. "

"And them ez is quite white--not quite, but nearly so--about the coloruv a new saddle, like Jane, there, " sed he, pintin to a octoroon girl uv18 wich used to belong to the Deekin afore the isshooin uv the infernalproclamashen, "like Jane, there, wich is waitin on the Deekin, and--but, good Lord!" sed he, startin up like a tragedian. 

"Wat!" shouted the company, all startin up. 

"Nothin, " sed he: "only, now that Jane's face is in range with theDeekin's, wat a wonderful resemblance! She hez the Pogram nose andginral outline uv face; not Mrs. P. 's angularity, but the Deekin allover. My deer sir, " sed he, addressin the Deekin, "ef she wuzn't aquadroon, I shood say she looks enough like yoo to be yoor daughter, bya first wife, I shood say, for she hez not, ez I remarked, Mrs. P. 'sangularity and gineral boneinis; but uv course, she bein a part nigger, the resemblance may be sat down ez-a-very-remarkable-coincidence!"

The Deekin turned ez white ez a sheet, and Mrs. Pogram turned ez red eza biled lobster, from wich I inferred that there wuz trooth in a rumor Ihad heerd about the Deekin and his wife hevin a misunderstandin about anigger woman and her baby, about 18 years ago, wich resulted in his beinmade bald-headed in less than a minute, and the baby's mother being soldSouth. The Illinoy store-keeper, uv the name uv Pollock, resoomed, --

"I wuz about askin wat them niggers is ez is nearly white?"

"Why, they'r octoroons, or seven-eighths white, " sed Mrs. Pogram. 

"And no Kentuckian ever marries a nigger?" inquired the store-keeper, who I saw wuz pursooin his investigations altogether too fur. 

"Never!" sed Mrs. Pogram; "we leave that to Ablishnists. "

"Well, then, " sed this Pollock, who, I spect, wuzn't half so innsent ezhe let on, "I see that yoo hev no objection to mixin with the nigger, providin yoo don't do it legally; that amalgamashen don't hurt nothin, pervidin yoo temper it with adultery. Is that the idee, Mrs. Pogram?"

Mrs. P. Wuz mad, and made no reply, and Pollock persood the subjick. 

"Jane there, is, I take it, about one-eighth nigger. She got her whiteblood from whites, uv course; and ez there coodent be no marryin in thebiznis, there is proof positive in her face that the 8th commandment hezbin violated about four times somewhere in this vicinity, or whereverher maternal ancestors, on her mother's side, may hev resided. What doyoo think about it, Deekin? Ez a Christian, woodent it be better tomarry em than to add a violation uv the commandment to the sin uvamalgamashen? It wood redoose yoor load jest a half. "

The Deekin wuz too indignant to reply, and ez it involved a pintaltogether too hefty for his limited intelleck, I took it up. 

"My dear sir, " I remarked, "yoo don't make the proper distinction, or, rather, yoo don't appreciate the subjick at all. The nigger heresustains only one character with us, --that uv a inferior bein, the slaveuv the hawty Caucashen, uv whom we are the noblest specimens; that is, the Deekin is, he bein a Southerner. I unfortunately wuz born in theNorth, and am a hawty Caucashen only by adoption. To marry a nigger woodbe to destroy our idea uv sooperiority, for we marry only our ekals. Theintercourse with em, the results uv wich yoo see indications, beinoutside uv the pale uv matrimony, is not, ez yoo wood suppose, theresult uv unbrideled licentiousnis, but is merely the assertion uv oursuperiority. When the lordly Caucashen (uv whom the Deekin is wich) bidsa daughter uv Ham (wich, in the orginal Hebrew, signifies thehind-quarter uv a hog) come to him, and she doth it not, he breaks herhead, wich inculcates obedience. One is only a slave indeed when hesurrenders all his individyooel rites. The female slave cannot beconsidered ez entirely subdooed until she hez yielded to her ownereverything. To marry em wood be to elevate em; the intercourse commonamong us is not a sin, it bein merely the assertion uv that superioritywich we claim is founded on the Holy Scripter. See Onesimus, Hagar, andHam. "

"Yes, " sed the Deekin, who wuz now on the right track; "it's a assertionuv our sooperiority; it's a dooty every white man owes to his class, andI, for one, will alluz--"

"Let me ketch yoo at it, Gabe Pogram, " shouted Mrs. P. , "and I'll giveyou sich a cat-haulin ez yoo never--drat yoor sooperiority, and yoorHam, and yoor Caucashen. Niggers is niggers, and--"

Noticin that Mrs. Pogram hedn't quite arrived at the proper pitch uvself-sacrifice, I turned the discussion onto Sumner agin, ez a subjickupon wich they cood all agree. 

I learned that his father wuz a Dutch grocery-keeper, and his mother anIrish washer-woman; that he run away from home at the tender age of 8, after murderin, in cold blood, his grandparents, one uv wich wuz a Jewand tother a Chinese; that he wuz apprenticed to the shoemakin biznis, and hed cut the throat uv his boss and his wife, and immersed theyounger children into a biler uv scaldin water, where they were foundmostly dead seven hours afterward; that he acquired wealth a sellinlottry tickets and brass clocks, et settry. His servants wuz redoostSouthern gentlemen wich he hed swindled into his debt, and wich, underthe laws uv Massychoosits, coodent git away, and that his intimatefriends and associates wuz niggers, with wich he sot long at the festiveboard, and drunk champane; that Lucresha Mott wuz his sister, AnnaDickinson his daughter, Fred Douglas his half-brother, and that hekissed, habitually, every nigger child he met, and frowned so severiallyonto white children ez to throw em into spasms, and other items uvinformation uv wich, livin in the North, I wuz ignorant. Ez I remarked, he isn't popular down here, and, cood hardly be elected to Congris fromthis Deestrick. The tea party broke up shortly after, Pollock winkin atme villainously ez he left the house, feelin good to think how he hedopened a old sore. That Pollock needs watchin. 

 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. 

XVIII. 

A Cry of Exultation. --A Gleam of Light. 

 CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), April 2, 1866. 

Kin it be? Is it troo, or is it not troo? Is Androo Johnson all my fancypainted him, or is he still a heaven-defying persekooter uv theDemocratic Saints? That's wat I and some thousands uv waitin souls woodgo suthin handsome to know. 

I confess I never quite lost faith in Androo. 

Pro-slavery Democracy sticks to a man ez does the odor uv the gentleskunk to clothes, and it is got rid uv only by the same means, to-wit, buryin the victim thereof. 

Androo started out to be a Moses, and he is one; but I think he'schanged his Israelites. I onst saw a woman skinnin live eels, and Ireproached her, saying, --

"Woman, why skinnest thou eels alive? Doth it not pain em?"

"Nary!" retorted she. "I've skinned em this way for going on to 20years, and they're used to it. "

Even so. The negroes hev bin in bondage so long that they're used to it, and Androo feelin a call to continue in the Moses biznes, hez, I hope, turned his attention to the Dimocrisy. It's us he's a-goin to lead upout uv the Egypt uv wretchedness we've bin in for neerly five years;it's US that's a-goin to quit brick making without straw, and go up intothe Canaan wich is runnin with the milk and honey uv public patronage. We shel hev sum fites: there's Amakelitish post masters and Phillistinecollectors to displace, but with a second Jaxon at our hed what can wefear?

I feel to-night like a young colt. To me it seems ez though my venerablelocks, wich hangs scantily about my temples, hed grown black agin, andthat my youth was returnin. Ef I hed any notion uv sooiside, them ideais dismist. I'm young agin. Wat hez worked this change? you ask. It'sthe proclamation declarin the war at an end, and withdrawin from theDimocratic States the odious hirelins uv the tyrant Linkin, and the doinaway uv that terrible marshal law. That's wat's done it for me. Now Ifeel like sayin, with one uv old, "Mine eyes hev seed thy glory; let thyservant depart in peace. "

We hev bin dooly subjoogated some time, and a waitin for this. We wantidit, and longed for it ez the hart does for the water course, andconsiderably more, onless the hart wuz thirsty in the extreme. For nowwe are in the Yoonyun agin; we are under the shadder uv that gloriousold flag wich protects all men ceptin niggers and ablishnists. Thenigger is left to be adjustid by us, who is to be governed by the lawswich control labor and capital. Certenly he is--uv coarse. I saw two uvmy neighbors adjustin one last nite. They wuz doin it with a paddle, wich wuz bored full uv holes. He didn't seem to enjoy it ez much ez theydid. By that proclamation our states are agin under their own control. Let em go at wunst to work to destroy all the vestiges uv the crooel warthrough wich they hev past. There aint no solgers now to interfere, forthe policy uv keepin soldiers in and among free people is abhorrent tofreedom and humanity. Go to work at wunst, and build up the broken wallsuv your Zion. 

We must hev Peace and unanimity; and Peace cannot dwell among us onlessthere's a oneness uv purpose and sentiment. To prokoor this is yoor fustdooty. If there be among you them ez opposed yoo doorin yoor latestruggle for Rites, hist em. Their presence is irritatin, and kin not betolerated. Ablishunism is as abhorrent now as ever, and the sooner yooare rid uv it the better. It is safe to assume that every man whoopposed the lately deceased confederacy is a Ablishnist. 

The next step, and the most important, is to tear down the nigger schoolhouses and churches wich hev bin built here and there, and kindly takethe nigger by the ear, and lead him back to his old quarters, wich ishis normal position. The Yankee school teachers sent here by Freedmen'sAid Societies shood properly be hung for spreadin dissatisfaction andspellin books among the niggers, but I wood advise mercy andconsiliation. Tar and featherin, with whippins, will perhaps do ez well, and will go to show the world that our justice is tempered with charity;that we kin be generous ez well ez just. Yoor Legislatures shood beinstantly called together, and proper laws for the government uv theFreedmen should be passed. Slavery is abolisht, and the people must liveup to the requirements of the act in good faith. I protest agin anyviolation uv good faith, but labor must be done, for the skriptercommands it, and our frail nature demands wat cant be got without it. Wedon't like to do it, but shel skripter be violated? Not at all. Thenigger must do it hisself, not ez a slave, for slavery is abolished, butez a free man. Ethiopean citizens uv Amerikin descent (wich ismulatters), and full-blooded blacks, and all hevin in the veins a taintuv Afrikin blood, must be restrained gently, and for their own good, Isuggest laws ez follows:--

1. They must never leave the plantation onto wich they are, when thisact goes into effect, without a pass from the employer, under penalty uvbein shot. 

2. They shel hev the privilege uv suein everybody uv their own color, efthey kin give white bail for costs. 

3. They shel hev the full privilege uv bein sued the same ez whitefolks. 

4. They shel be competent ez witnesses in cases in wich they are notinterested, but their testimony is to go for nothin ef it is opposed bythe testimony uv a white man or another nigger. 

5. No nigger shel be allowed to buy or lease real estate outside uv anyincorporated city, town, or village. 

6. No nigger shel be allowed to buy or lease real estate within anyincorporated city, town, or village, except as hereinafter provided for, to wit:--

He shel give notice uv his desires by publication for six consecutiveweeks in some noosepaper uv general circulation in sed village, for wichpublication he shel pay invariably in advance. He shel then give bonds, in sich sums ez the mayor shel decide, that neither he, nor any uv hisancestors, or descendants, or relations, will ever become publiccharges, and will always behave themselves with doo humility, thebondsmen to be white men and freeholders. Then the mayor shel cause aelection to be proclaimed, and if the free white citizens shel vote"yea" unanimously, he shel be allowed to buy or lease real estate. Ifthere is a dissenting vote, then he shel be put onto the chain gang forsix months for his impudence in makin sich a request. 

7. Their wages shel be sich ez they and the employers shel mutuallyagree; but that the negroes may not become luxurious and effeminate, wich two things is vices wich goes to sap the simplicity and strength uva people, the sum shel never exceed $5 per month, but not less thanenuff in all cases to buy him one soot uv close per annum, wich theemployer shel purchase hisself. 

8. The master shell hev the privilege uv addin to this code sich otherrules and regulations for their proper government ez may strike him ezbeing good for em from time to time. 

These provisions sekure the nigger in all the rites wich kin reasonablybe asked for him, just elevated ez he is from slavery, and thrown uponthe world, ignorant of the dooties of his new position and status. He issimple, and needs the guidin hand uv the stronger race. 

My hart is too full to make further suggestions. Organized into atabloo, with the constitooshun in one hand (wich beloved instrumentkivers a great deal of ground), a scar-bangled spanner in the other, anda tramplin on a bloo coat wich I stript orf uv a returned nigger solgerwich wuz sick, I exultinly exclaim, "The Union ez it is is ez good ezthe Union ez it wuz. 'Ror!"

 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. 

XIX. 

A Wail of Anguish. --The Passage of the Civil Rights Bill over the Veto. 

 CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), April 9, 1866. 

I am a kittle full of cusses. 

Under me is a burnin fire uv rage, wich is bein continyooally fed withthe oil uv disappointment. 

And I bile over. 

The civil rites bill, wich our Moses put his foot into, we thought wuzdead. 

And we fired great guns, and hung out our flags, wich we laid aside in1860, and made a joyful noise. 

For we said, one unto another, Lo! he is a true Moses, inasmuch ez he isa leadin us out uv the wilderness. 

The civil rites bill wuz the serpent wat bit us, and he histed it, thatwe might look and live. 

Now let us be joyful!

For the Ethiopian is delivered into our hands, bound hand and foot. 

Blessed be Moses!

We will make him grind our corn; but he shel not eat thereof. 

Blessed be Moses!

We will make him tread out our wheat; but we will muzzle his mouth. 

Blessed be Moses!

He shall pick our cotton; but the hire he receiveth, he shall stick inhis eye without injuring the sight thereof. 

Blessed be Moses!

He shall toil in the sugar mill; but the sugar shall he not sell. 

Blessed be Moses!

His sweat shall nourish our corn; but he shall eat nary ear thereof. 

Blessed be Moses!

We will burn his school houses, and destroy his spelling books (forshall the nigger be our superior?), and who shall stay our hand?

The skool teachers we will tar and feather, and whar is the bloo-kotedhirelins to make us afeerd?

Blessed be Moses!

We looked at the nigger, and said, Ha, ha! the last state uv thatchattle is wuss nor the fust; for before, we hed his labor while he wuzstrong and healthy, but hed to take care on him when he wuz sick andold; and now we kin git his labor without the care. 

Blessed be Moses!

The Ablishnists cast out one devil, and garnished the room; but therewuz seven devils more stronger and hungrier, which rushed in andpre-empted the premises. 

Blessed be Moses!

But our song uv joy wuz turned into a wale uv anguish. 

Moses sought to hist the serpent, but the serpent histed him. 

He's on a pole, and the bitin North wind is a blowin onto him. 

He can't get up any higher, because his pole ain't any longer; and hecant't get down, because he ain't no place to light onto. 

He vetoed the bills, and Congress hez vetoed him; the civil rights billthey passed in a uncivil manner. 

Now, bein the nigger hez rights, he is our ekal. 

Our ekil is the nigger now, and onless the skool house is burned, andthe spellin books destroyed, he will soon be our superior. 

We wuz willin to give him the right uv bein sued; but, alas! he kin sue. 

He kin be a witness agin us, and he kin set his face agin ourn. 

Our wise men may make laws to keep him in his normal speer, but uv watavail is they?

We kin buy and sell him no more, neither he nor his children. 

The men will cleave unto their wives, and the wives unto their husbands, and our hand is powerlis to separate em. 

Their children kin we no more put up at auction, and sell to the highestbidder, we pocketing joyfully the price thereof. 

They hev become sassy and impudent, and say, "Go to; are we not men?"

I bade one git orf the sidewalk, and he bade me be damned. 

I chucked a nearly white one under the chin, and smiled onto her, andshe squawked; and her husband, hearin the squawk thereof, came up andbustid my head, even as a white man wood hev dun. 

I chastised wun who gave me lip; and he sood me, a Caucashun, forassault and battery, and got a judgment!

Wale! for Moses put out his hand to save us these indignities, but hishand wuz too weak. 

We killed Linkin in vain. 

Our Moses is playin Jaxon. He fancieth he resembleth him, becoz hisinishals is the same. 

He resembleth Jaxon muchly--in that Jaxon hed a policy wich he coodcarry out, while our Moses hez a policy wich he can't carry out. 

And ez he can't carry out his policy, the people are carryin it out forhim. 

Wich they do, a holdin it at arm's length, and holdin their noses. 

Moses is a cake half baked; he is hot on one side, and cold on tother. 

He darsn't let go uv Ablishnism, and is afeerd to come to us. 

He hez been takin epsom salts and epecac; and one is workin up, and theother is workin down. 

Where kin we look for comfort?

Do we turn to the people? Connecticut answers, "'Ror for Hawley!" andNoo Hampshier goes Ablishun. 

Do we turn to the courts? Lo! Taney hez gone to his reward--him whoaforetime dealt out Dimekratic justice, and who understood the nacher uvthe nigger, --and Chase, who is pizen, reigns in his stead. 

Raymond is growin weak in the knees, and Doolittle is a broken reed onwhich to lean. 

We are too short at both ends. 

Shall we go to Brazil? Lo! there they put niggers in office. 

Mexico holds out her hands to us; but, lo! the nigger is considered aman. 

We hev no escape from the Etheopian; he is around us, and about us, andon top uv us. 

I see no post orfis in the distance, no hope for the future. 

Hed I been a Ablishunist, so ez to make the thing safe in the nextworld, I shood be glad to die, and quit this. 

For my sole is pregnant with grief; my hart bugs out with woe. 

 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. 

XX. 

Mournful View of the Situation. 

 CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), April 26, 1866. 

The work uv death is a goin on. The sakred precepts uv the HolySkripters is bein daily violated by an insane majority, who hevsubstitooted their own noshens for the safe and pleasant revelashens uvHoly Writ, and the practices of their fathers. 

Cood Noah, when he cussed Ham, and declared that he shood be a servantunto his brethren, hev foreseen how his cuss wood hev bin disregarded inthese degenerate days, he wood, I boldly assert (and I make theassertion from wat I know uv the character uv that eminent navigator), hev kep sober, and not cusst Ham at all. For wat's the yoose uv sich acuss ef it's to be removed jist when you want it to stick? Hed it bintaken off afore cotton wuz profitable, and afore the Southern people hedlearned to depend onto their labor, it wouldent hev bin so bad, and theycood hev endoored it without murmurin. But, alars! not only is the Southin a state of abject cussitood, but the Northern Dimocrasy is likewise. 

The case stood thuswise: The South depended on the Nigger; and theNorthern politicians, like me, depended on the South. The nigger wuz thefoundashun upon wich the entire structur rested; and now that he'sknocked out, it falls. 

I wuz in Washington the other day, and wuz a unwillin witnis uv a scenewich filled me with unutterable disgust. The niggers wuz a celebratinsuthin connected with their onnatural removal from their normalcondishun, and wuz a paradin the streets with bands uv music, and withbanners and inscriptions. They hed the impudence to dress up in goodclothes, --clothes wich I cood not afford to wear, --and three uv theimpudent cusses hed the ashoorance to go so far in their imitation ofhuman beins ez to make speeches; and to my horrer, the mass uv em hedben so well trained by somebody that they actily cheered, and ez near ezI cood make out got in the applause at the right place, and all withoutthe assistance uv a indivijjle to commence applaudin at the right time, wich we hev generally found nessary at Dimmekratic meetins. 

Their inscripshuns wuz insultin. They hed em all spelt rite, and; theywuz full uv aloosions to ekal rites, and onqualifyed suffrage, and sich, planely showin that the poor, misguided critters hed no idee that theywuz loaded down with a cuss, and that becoz uv that cuss they hed norites watever. 

In Richmond I saw other evidences uv the terrible breakin down uv thebarriers wich Noah set up atween the races. I wuz sittin in a hoss car, when a nigger hed the onparalleled asshoorence to enter and set down. Iremonstrated with the chattel, who laft in my face. 

Thus the old landmarks is bein removed, and thus the foundations uvsociety is a bein broken up. I saw in Richmond fair wimmin who hed, inolden times, never known wat labor wuz, a washin dishes, and cookintheir own vittles; and I saw men, who hed wunst lived luxuriously on thelabor uv a hundred niggers, now drivin drays, and sellin dry goods andgroceries, and sich, and my soul sunk within me. Wuz the cuss a mistake?Wuz the nigger not the race that wuz cussed? or has he becum sobleached, so lost in the white by amalgamation, that there ain't enoughuv the black left in each indivijjle for the cuss to hang to. 

Andrew Johnson! in your hands rests our cause; on your ackshen dependsour weal or woe! Yoo, and yoo alone, kin remedy this. Wat if a corruptand radikle Congress does override your vetoes, and legislate for thesecuss-ridden people? Yoo hev yet a power wich yoo must not hesitate tomake em feel. Clear out the rump Congress; declare our Southern brethrenentitled to their seats, and see that they hev em. The Dimocrisy uv theNorth, wich wuz latterly for peece, are now fur war. They will sustainyoo. Reverse yoor ackshen, and yoo kin attach em to yoo with hooks uvsteel. There ain't no risk in it--nary risk. Turn the Ablishnists out uvthe Post Offices, and replace em with Democrats; let it be understoodthat yoo hev come back to your fust love, and no longer abide in thetents uv Ablishunism, --and all will be well. Talk less uv yoor policy, and put more uv it into acts. Combine Post Offices with Policy, andproclaim that only he who sustains the latter shel hev the former, andyoo kin depend on the entire Democrisy North. We are waitin anxiously. From the South comes up the cry, wich the North reëkkoes. 

Will Androo Johnson, wich Ablishnists call Moses, but wich we, forobvious reasons, style the 2d Jaxon, heed that cry? or will he persistin clingin to the black idol he embraced four years ago?

 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. 

XXI. 

A Psalm of Gladness. --The Veto of the Civil Rights Bill, and otherMatters, occasioning a Feeling of Thankfulness in the Minds of theDemocracy. 

 CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), May 1, 1866. 

I am a canary, a nightengale. A lark, am I. 

I raise my voice in song. I pour forth melojus notes. 

I am a lamb, wich frisketh, and waggeth his tale, and leapeth, ez henippeth the tender grass. I am a colt, wich kicketh up its heelsexuberantly. 

I am a bridegroom, wich cometh from his bride in the mornin feelinreleeved in the knowledge that she wore not palpitators, nor falsecalves, nor nothin false, afore she wuz hizn. 

I am a steamboat captin with a full load, a doggry keeper on a Saturdaynite, a sportin man with four aces in his hand. 

All these am I, and more. 

For we sought to establish ourselves upon a rock, but found that theunderpinnin wuz gone out uv it. 

Even slavery wuz our strong place, and our hope; but the corners hed binknocked out uv it. 

The sons uv Belial hed gone forth agin it. Massachusetts hed assailedit, and the North West hed drawd its bow agin it. 

Wendell Phillips hed pecked out wun stun, Garret Smith another; and thesoljers hed completed what they hed begun. 

And Congris, even the Rump, hed decreed its death, and hed held forthits hand to Ethiopia. 

It passed a bill givin the Niggers their rites, and takin away from usour rites:

Sayin, that no more shel we sell em in the market place, Or take their wives from em, Or be father to their children, Or make uv em conkebines aginst their will, Or force em to toil without hire, Or shoot em, ez we wuz wont to do under the old dispensashun, Or make laws for em wich didn't bind us as well. 

And our hearts wuz sad in our buzzums; for we said, Lo! the nigger isour ekal; and we mourned ez them hevin no hope. 

But the President, even Androo, the choice uv Booth, said, Nay. 

And the bill wuz vetoed, and is no law; and our hearts is made glad. 

And from the Ohio to the Gulf shel go up the song uv gladness and thesounds uv mirth. 

The nigger will we slay, for he elevated his horn agin us. 

We will make one law for him and another for us, and he will sigh forthe good old times when he wuz a slave in earnest. 

His wife shel be our conkebine, ef she is fair to look upon; and ef hemurmurs, we'll bust his head. 

His daughters shel our sons possess; and their inkrease will we sell, and live upon the price they bring. 

In our fields they shel labor; but the price uv their toil shel make usfat. 

Sing, O my soul!

The nigger hed become sassy and impudent, and denied that he wuz aservant unto his brethren. 

He sheltered hisself behind the Freedman's Burow, and the Civil RitesBill, and the soldiery, and he wagged his lip at us, and made mouths atus. 

And we longed to git at him, but because of these we durst not. 

But now who shell succor him. 

We will smite him hip and thigh, onless he consents to be normal. 

Our time uv rejoicin is come. 

In Kentucky, the soldiers voted, --them ez wuz clothed in gray, --and werouted the Abolishnists. 

Three great capchers hev we made: New Orleens we capcherd, Kentucky wecapcherd, and the President--him who aforetime strayed from us--wecapcherd. 

Rejoice, O my soul! for yoor good time, wich wuz so long a comin, iscome. 

We shel hev Post Offisis, and Collectorships, and Assessorships, andFurrin Mishns, and Route Agencies, and sich; and on the proceeds thereofwill we eat, drink, and be merry. 

The great rivers shel be whisky, the islands therein sugar, the streemstributary lemon joose and bitters, and the faithful shel drink. 

Whisky shel be cheap; for we shel hold the offises, and kin pay; and theheart uv the barkeeper shel be glad. 

The Ablishnist shel hang his hed; and we will jeer him, and flout him, and say unto him, "Go up, bald head!" and no bears shel bite us; for, lo! the President is our rock, and in him we abide. 

Blessed be Booth, who give us Androo. 

Blessed be the veto, wich makes the deed uv Booth uv sum account to us. 

Blessed be Moses, who is a leadin us out uv the wilderness, into theCanaan flowin with milk and honey. 

 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. 

XXII. 

The Reconstructed meet to Congratulate the Country upon the Result ofthe Memphis Outbreak. --The Reverend discourses upon the Nigger, and runsagainst a Snag. 

 CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), May 12, 1866. 

The news from Memphis filled the soles uv the Dimocrisy uv Kentucky withundilooted joy. There, at last, the Ethiopian wuz taught that to him, atleast, the spellin book is a seeled volume, and that the gospel is notfor him, save ez he gits it filtered through a sound, constooshnel, Dimekratic preacher. We met at the Corners last nite to jollify over thebrave acts uv our Memphis frends, and I wuz the speeker. I addressedthem on the subjick uv the nigger, --his wants, needs, and capacities, --asubjick, permit me to state, I flatter myself I understand. 

Probably no man in the Yoonited States hez given the nigger more study, or devoted more time to a pashent investigashen uv this species uv thebrute creashen, than the undersigned. I have contemplated him sittin andstandin, sleepin and wakin, at labor and in idleness, --in every shape, in fact, ceptin ez a free man, wich situashen is too disgustin for aproud Caucashen to contemplate him; and when he ariz before my mind'seye in that shape, I alluz turned shuddrin away. 

I hed proceeded in my discourse with a flowin sale. It's easydemonstratin anythin yoor awjence wants to beleeve, and wich theirinterest lies in. For instants, I hev notist wicked men, who wuzsomewhat wedded to sin, genrally lean toward Universalism; men heavilydeveloped in the back uv the neck are easily convinst uv the grandtrooths uv free love; and them ez is too fond uv makin money to rest onthe seventh day, hev serious doubts ez to whether the observance uv theSabbath is bindin onto em. I, not likin to work at all, am a firmbeleever in slavery, and wood be firmer ef I cood get start enuff to owna nigger. 

I hed gone on and proved concloosively, from a comparison uv thefizzikle structer uv the Afrikin and the Caucashen, that the nigger wuza beast, and not a human bein; and that, consekently, we hed a perfeckrite to catch him, and tame him, and yoose him ez we do other wildanimals. Finishin this hed uv my discourse, I glode easily into ahistory uv the flood; explained how Noer got tite and cust Ham, condemnin him and his posterity to serve his brethren forever, wich Iinsisted give us an indubitable warranty deed to all uv em for all time. 

I warmed up on this elokently. "Behold, my brethren, the beginnin uvDimocrasy, " I sed. "Fust, the wine (which wuz the antetype of ourwhisky) wuz the beginnin. Wine (or whisky) wuz necessary to thefoundation uv the party, and it wuz forthcomin. But the thing was notcomplete. It did its work on Noer, but yet there wuz a achin void. Therewas no _Nigger_ in the world, and without nigger there could be noDimocracy. Ham, my friends, wuz born a brother uv Japhet, and wuz likeunto him, and, uv course, could not be a slave. Whisky wuz theinstrument to bring him down; and it fetched him. Ham looked upon hisfather, and was cust; and the void wuz filled. THERE WUZ NIGGER ANDWHISKY, and upon them the foundashuns uv the party wuz laid, broad anddeep. Methinks, my brethren, when Ham went out from the presence uv hisfather, black in the face ez the ace uv spades (ef I may be allowed toyoose the expression), bowin his back to the burdens Shem and Japhetpiled onto him with alacrity, that Democracy, then in the womb uv thefuture, kicked lively, and clapped its hands. There wuz a nigger toenslave, and whisky to bring men down to the pint uv enslavin him. Therewuz whisky to make men incapable uv labor; whisky to accompany horseracin, and poker playin, and sich rational amoosements, and a niggercust especially that he mite sweat to furnish the means. Observe thefitniss uv things. Bless the Lord, my brethren, for whisky and thenigger; for, without em, there could be no Dimocrisy, and yoor belovedspeaker mite hev owned a farm in Noo Jersey, and bin a votin the whigticket to-day. "

At this pint, a venerable old freedman, who wuz a sittin quietly in themeetin, ariz, and asked ef he mite ask a question. Thinkin what asplendid opportoonity there wood be uv demonstratin the sooperiority uvthe Caucashen over the Afrikin race, I answered "Yes, " gladly. 

"Well, Mas'r, " sed the old imbecile, "is I a beest?"

"My venerable friend, there ain't nary doubt uv it. "

"Is my old woman a old beastesses, too?"

"Indubitably, " replied I. 

"And my children--is they little beasts and beastesses?"

"Onquestionably. "

"Den a yaller feller ain't but a half a beast, is he?"

"My friend, " sed I, "that question is--"

"Hold on, " sed he; "wat I wanted to git at is dis: dere's a heap uvyaller fellers in dis section, whose fadders must hev bin white men;and, ez der mudders wuz all beastesses, I want to know whedder dar ain'tno law in Kentucky agin--"

"Put him out!" "Kill the black wretch!" shouted a majority uv them whohed bin the heaviest slave owners under the good old patriarkle system, and they went for the old reprobate. At this pint, a officer uv theFreedmen's Bureau, who we hedn't observed, riz, and, bustin withlaughter, remarked that his venerable friend shood have a chance to beheerd. We respeck that Burow, partikelerly ez the officers generally heva hundred or two bayonets within reech, and, chokin our wrath, permittedourselves to be further insulted by the cussed nigger, who, grinnin fromear to ear, riz and perceeded. 

"My white friends, " sed he, "dar pears to be an objection to myreference to de subjeck uv dis mixin with beasts, so I won't press dematter. But I ask yoo, did Noer hev three sons?"

"He did, " sed I. 

"Berry good. Wuz dey all brudders?"

"Uv course. "

"Ham come from the same fadder and mudder as the odder two?"

"C-e-r-t-i-n-l-y. "

"Well, den, it seems to me--not fully understandin the skripters--dat ifwe is beasts and beastesses, dat you is beasts and beastesses also, anddat, after all, we is brudders. " And the disgustin old wretch threw hisarms around my neck, and kissed me, callin me his "long lost brudder. "

The officer uv the Freedmen's Bureau laft vosiferously, and so did adozen or two soljers in the crowd likewise; and the awjence slunk outwithout adjournin the meetin, one uv em remarkin, audibly, that he hadnotised one thing, that Dimocrisy wuz extremely weak whenever itundertook to defend itself with fax or revelashun. For his part, he'ddone with argyment. He wanted niggers, because he cood wallop em, andmake em do his work without payin em, wich he coodent do with white men. 

I left the meetin house convinst that the South, who worked the niggers, leavin us Northern Dimokrats to defend the system, hed the best end uvthe bargain. 

 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. 

XXIII. 

The Workings of the Freedmen's Bureau. --A Report. 

 CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), May 27, 1866. 

TO HIS EGGSLENCY THE DISPENSER UV POST ORIFICES, ANDROO JOHNSON, PRESIDENT UV THE UNITED STATES:

In akordance with yoor esteemed request, dated the 25th, and receivedthis morning, I to-wunst proceeded to make doo enquiry ez to the workinuv the Freedmen's Burow, and the condishun uv the Afrikin citizens uvAmerikin descent in this vicinity. The fact that a Ablishnist stillholds the Post Orifice at the Corners (wich place, by the way, I hevbeen solicited to accept), interfered materially with the bizines I hedin hand. I to-wunst tooted the horn, ez is the custom when we hevreligious servis, and called my congregashun together. They kum runninin from the different groceries; and here another difficulty ensood. Thegrosery keepers wanted to know what we wuz a going to hev meetin on weekdays for? They wuz willin to shut up doorin meetin time on Sundays, ezthey respected the church, and it give em time to sweep out theterbacker, et settery; but they'd be d----d ef they wuz a goin to hevthe people pulled away from their nourishment on week days. I succeededin pacifyin em, and went in at wunst examinin the leadin citizens. Theirtestimony is ez follows:--

CAPTIN SKELPER

Wuz a nigger owner afore the war, and durin the late fratrisidlestruggle wuz a captan in the confedrit servis. Wuz with Ginral Forest atFort Pillow. Hez hed much experence with niggers. Bleeves em to beadapted to the climit uv Kentucky, and much more able to stand the hotsun than the whites. When they wuz slaves, never knowd em to refooze towork; know they alluz did work, becoz he generally stood over em with anigger whip. Since they hev bin free, hez notist a change; not much uv achange, ontil the Nigger Burow wuz establisht. Before that they'd takesich wages ez yoo chose to give em; since then the d----d heathen willstand out bout ez the white men do, and won't work at all onless yoomeet their views, wich made a heap up trouble, and materially retardedthe develment uv the country. The Burow hed corrupted the femaleniggers; ez they hed all bin legally married by the Chaplins to the menthey'd lived with, and wuz so sot on livin with em, that there's noyoose uv yoor tryin to get a house wench unless yoo took her husbandalso. His wife wuz now doin degradin work at home for want uv help. Strongly urged the abrogashen uv the Burow, and the removal uv theAbolishun Postmaster at the Corners. 

DEACON MCGRATH

Wuz eggsamined. Wuz convinst in his own mind that the Afrikin wuz nowout uv his normal speer, and that the infernal Burow wuz at the bottomuv it. The nigger, afore the Burow come around, wuz docile and easlycontrolled. His boy Joe wuz wunst a model nigger. He'd get up everymornin at 4 A. M. (wich means in the mornin), and work every day tillafter dark. Ez soon ez he wuz emancipated, ez they called it, and theBurow come, I told him to get up, one mornin; and he told me, impudently, that he'd concluded he woodent. I undertook to chastise himwith a fence stake, whereupon he sailed in, and whaled me; and theBurow, to which I applied for redress, larft in my face. He left, and isnow draggin out a mizerable existence in Ohio, on the beggarly pittanceuv two dollars a day, and my farm is runnin to weeds. He conclooded bygivin it ez his solemn opinion that he never cood be reconciled to theGovernment so long ez the Burow wuz tolerated, and that Ablishnist heldthe Post Orifis at the Corners. 

GINERAL DINGES

Considered the Burow a inkubus upon the State. It interfered betweenmaster and servant. Cood git along better ef the nigger wuz left to thenateral laws wich regulates capital and labor. Tried to keep hisniggers, and did keep em the past summer till after the crop wuz in, andthen tried to settle with em for four dollars a month, with sichdeductions for food, sickness, and brakin tools, et settry, ez wuz just. Brought the niggers, all uv em, in my debt, and generously proposed tolet em work it out choppin cord wood doorin the winter. Hauled me upafore the Burow, and wuz forst to pay em each $15 per month. Considerthe Burow ez all that stands in the way uv rekonstruction, though theremoval uv the Ablishun Postmaster at the Corners and the appintment uva sound constooshnel Dimekrat wood grately assist in conciliatin theKentucky mind. 

I tried to get some nigger testimony, but cood elicit nothing worthwhile. One nigger, who spends the heft uv his time at the Corners, wuzopposed to the Burow becoz it stopt rations on him. And Lucy, aoctoroon, who formerly belonged to, and still resides with, Elder Gavitt(who is now absent ez a delegate to a Southern religious convention atLouisville), testified that the Burow "wuz no grate shakes, " becoz beinez the Elder wuz a widower, and the father uv all her children, and beinshe's a free woman, she askt the agent to make the Elder marry her, andhe woodn't do it. But sich evidence is irrelevant, and I didn't considerit worth while botherin yoor Eggslency with it. Both, however, stronglyinsisted on the removal uv the Ablishun Postmaster at the Corners. 

ABSLUM PETTUS

Wuz convinst the Burow wuz agin the prosperity uv the State, and wuzunderminin the moral and physikle welfare uv the nigger. It made himimpudent. Hed sum uv em workin for him, and notist at noons and niteshe'd find em with a spellin-book and a reader. Didn't bleeve in readin. Coodent read hisself, but hed a cousin wunst who learned; but ez soon ezhe cood read he moved off to Injeanny, quit the Democrisy, and becum aloathsum Ablishnist. Heerd he wuz killed in the war, and served himrite. Wanted to know what we wood do when the niggers cood all read. Sposed we'd hev to 'lect em to offis, ez the people alluz selected sich, when they cood find em. Didn't bleeve in nigger equality, and wuz infavor uv a imediate change in the post orfice at the Corners. 

CAPTIN MCSLATHER thought things hed cum to a sweet old pass, when a mancoodn't lather a nigger without bein hauled up afore a Burow. 

KURNEL PELTER thought ef yoor Eggsolency cood witness the corupshun thateggsisted in the Burow, yoo'd make short work uv it. Why, he whipped anigger hand more than he ought, perhaps, and he died uv the injuries. Itwuz a aggravatin case. The nigger wuz sassy, and it cost three hundredand sixteen dollars to pervide for his family. That infamous Burow mademe pay for their rashens all winter. He asked, indignantly, ef this wuzor wuz not a free kentry into, wich such things wuz permitted. And theAblishen Postmaster at the Corners approved the tyranikle action. Hedemanded his removal. 

I conceive it to be onnecessary to submit further testimony. I know notwhat luck yoor other commissioners may hev met with in takin testimonyon this subjick; but in this vicinity there can't be no doubt that therecan't be that love for the Government, without wich free instooshenswon't flourish to any alarmin extent, ontil this monster is squelched. The testimony is unanimous, and them ez I hev eggsamined arerepresentative men. 

You may hev notist, also, the singler unanimity with wich they all boretestimony to the necessity uv a change in the Post Orifis at theCorners. I endorse all they say on this question, considerin that thatchange is ez necessary in the grate work uv pacifyin and consiliation ezis the removal of the Burow. In case a change is made, I would say, foryour guidance, that I hev been warmly solicited by my friends to acceptthe position, and to pacify em, hev at last yielded a reluctant consent. The fact that I never served in the Confederate army may be anobjection; but, to offset that, I voted for Vallandygum twice. 

Ef possible, send me a pardon at the same time yoo send me my commissionez Post Master; for, if the Post Offis don't pay, I may want to run forsome other office, in wich event that document would be essential to mysuccess. 

With sentiments uv the most profound respek, I am Trooly yours, PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. 

XXIV. 

Presides at a Church Trial. 

 CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), June 9, 1866. 

They hed a ruction in the church at the Corners yisterday, wich bid fairto result in a rendin uv the walls of our Zion, and the tearin down uvthe temple we hev reared with so much care and hev guarded with so muchsolissitood. When I say "we, " I mean the members thereof, ez the churchwuz reorganized sence the war by returned Confedrit soljers and sichDimokrats ez remaned at home nootrel; but inasmuch ez I am the onlyreglerly ordained Dimokratic paster in these parts I ginerly conduct theservices, and hentz hev insensibly fell into a habit uv speekin uv thechurch ez "my" church, and I feel all the solissitood for its spiritooaland temporal welfare that I cood ef I wuz reglerly ordained ez itspaster, wich I expect to be ef I fail in gettin that post offis at theCorners, wich is now held by a Ablishnist uv the darkest dye, wichPresident Johnson, with a stubbornness I can't account for, persistentlyrefooses to remove. 

The case wuz suthin like this:--

Deekin Pogram wuz charged by Elder Slather with hevin, in broad daylite, with no attempt at concealment, drunk with a nigger, and a free niggerat that, in Bascom's grocery, and to prove the charge Deekin Slathercalled Deekin Pennibacker. 

The Deekin wuz put onto the stand, and testified ez follows:--

"Wuz in Bascom's grocery a playin seven up for the drinks with DeekinSlather, Hed jist beet the Deekin one game and hed four on the second, and held high, low, and jack, and wuz modritly certin uv goin out, partiklerly ez the Deekin didn't beg. Wuz hevin a little discussion withhim--the Deekin insistin that it wuz the best three in five, instead uvthe best two in three, jest ez though a man cood afford to play fivegames between drinks! The ijee is preposterous and unheard of, and therain't no precedent for any sich course. We wuz settlin the dispoot inregler orthodox style--he hed his fingers twisted in my neckhandkercher, and I held a stick uv stove wood suspended over his head. While in this position we wuz transfixed with horror at seein DeekinPogram enter, arm-in-arm with a nigger, and, --"

_The Court_. --Arm-in-arm, did you say, Brother Pennibacker?

_Witness_. --Certainly. 

_The Court_. --The scribe will make a minnit uv this. Go on. 

_Witness_. --They cum in together, ez I sed, arm-in-arm, walked up to thebar, and drank together. 

_By the Court_. --Did they drink together?

_Witness_. --They ondeniably did. 

_By myself_. --The Court desires to know what partikeler flooid theyabsorbed. 

_Witness_. --Can't say--spose 'twas Bascom's new whiskey--that's all he'sgot, ez the Court very well knows. 

_By myself_. --The Sexton will go at once to Bascom's and procoor theidenticle bottle from wich this wretched man, who stands charged withthus lowerin hisself, drunk, and bring it hither. The Court desires toknow for herself whether it was really whisky. The pint is an importantone for the Court to know. 

A wicked boy remarked that the pint wood be better onderstood by theCourt if it wuz a quart. The bottle wuz, however, brought, and theCourt, wich is me, wuz satisfied that it wuz really and trooly whisky. Ez the refreshin flooid irrigated my parched throat, I wished thattrials based upon that bottle cood be perpetooal. 

I considered the case proved, and asked Brother Pogram what palliationhe hed to offer. I set before him the enormity uv the crime, and showedhim that he was by this course sappin the very foundashun uv the Churchand the Democratic party. Wat's the use, I askt, uv my preachin aginnigger equality, so long ez my Deekins practis it? I told him that Hamwuz cust by Noer, and wuz condemned to be a servant unto hisbrethren--that he wuz an inferior race, that the Dimocrisy wuz builtupon that idea, and that associatin with him in any shape that indicatedequality, wuz either puttin them up to our standard or lowrin ourselvesto theirn; in either case the result wuz fatal. I implored BrotherPogram to make a clean breast uv it, confess his sin, and humbly receevesich punishment ez shood be awarded him, and go and sin no more. "Speakup, Brother Pogram, " sez I, paternally, and yet severely. 

Brother Pogram, to my unspeakable relief, for he is the wealthiestmember of the congregashun, and one we darsn't expel, replied, --

"That he DID drink with the nigger, and wat wuz more, he wuz justifiedin doin it, for THE NIGGER PAID FOR THE WHISKY!!"

"But shoorly, " I remarked, "it wasn't nessary to yoor purpose to come inwith the nigger arm-in-arm, --a attitood wich implies familiarity, ef notaffeckshun. "

_The Prisoner_. --The nigger and I hed bin pitchin coppers for drinks, and I, possessin more akootnis, hed won. I took the nigger by the arm, fearin that ef I let go uv him he'd dodge without payin. They areslippery. 

Overjoyed, I clasped him around the neck, and to-wunst dismist thecharge as unfounded and frivolous. 

"My brethren, " sez I, "the action of Brother Pogram is not onlyjustifiable, but is commendable, and worthy of imitashun. Ham wuz custby Noer, and condemned by him to serve his brethren. The nigger is thedescendant of Ham, and we are the descendants uv the brethren, and efNoer hed a clear rite to cuss one of his sons, and sell him out to thebalance uv the boys for all time, we hev ded wood on the nigger, for itis clear that he wuz made to labor for us and minister to our wants. Soit wuz, my brethren, until an Ape, who hed power, interfered anddelivered him out of our hand. Wat shel we do? Wat we cannot do by forcewe must do by financeerin. We can't any longer _compel_ the nigger tofurnish us the means, and therefore in order to fulfil the skripter, weare justified in accomplishing by our sooperior skill wat we used to dowith whips and dorgs. 

"The spectacle uv Brother Pogram's marchin into Bascom's with thatnigger wuz a sublime spectacle, and one well calculated to cheer theheart uv the troo Dimekrat. He hed vanquished him in an encounter whereskill wuz required, thus demonstratin the sooperiority uv theAnglo-Saxon mind--he led him a captive, and made uv him a spoil. 

"Wood, O wood that we all hed a nigger to play with for drinks! The caseis dismissed, the costs to be paid by the complainant!"

The walls uv our Zion is stronger than ever. This trial, ez it resulted, is a new and strong abutment--a tall and strong tower. 

 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. 

XXV. 

Turns a Meeting, called to Indorse General Rosseau, to Account. 

 CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), June 22, 1866. 

There wuz joy at the Corners when the Postmaster (who takes the onlypaper wich comes to the office, ceptin a few wich comes to somedemoralized niggers who hev learned to read, and the officers uv theFreedmen's Burow here) read to the crowd the news uv the canin wichRosso, wich is uv Kentucky, give Grinnell. It sent a thrill uv joythrough the State, wich ain't done thrillin yet. Bustin out into nineharty cheers, we to-wunst organized a meetin for the purpose uv expressinour feelins on the momentous occasion. The bell wuz rung, the peoplegathered together, and I wuz elected Chairman (they alluz elect me topreside becoz I'm bald-hedded; they think bald heads and dignity isinseparable), and Deekin Pogram Secretary, with 36 Vice-Presidents--onefor each State. I made a short speech on takin the chair, congratulatinem on the auspicious event wich called us together. Whereupon aCommittee on Resolutions wuz appinted, wich, after a short absense, reported ez follows:--

 Whereas, Genral Rosso, a native-born Kentuckian, and therefore a gentleman, hevin got into a argument with a Iowa sheep-breeder; and, Whereas, hevin got the wust uv the argument, he dextrously turned it into blackguardin; and, Whereas, hevin got the wust uv the blackguardin, he remembered the ancient usages uv the chivalrous sons uv the South, and caned him; therefore, be it

 _Resolved_, That we, the Dimocrisy uv Confedrit × Roads, wich is in the State uv Kentucky, hereby thank General Rosso for his manly vindication uv the character uv Kentucky. 

 _Resolved_, That we know not wich to admire the most; the dashin Gineral's courage in bravin the public sentiment uv the North, or his prudence in selectin the smallest and physically weakest man in the House to demonstrate onto. 

 _Resolved_, That ez Thad Stevens is 70 years uv age, and lame, and hardly recovered from his fit uv sickness, we suggest that our beloved hero commence a argument with him, feelin that so far ez the argument and blackguardin goes the result will be the same, only so much more so ez to give him a good excuse for killin him, wich wood be doin the South a servis indeed. 

 _Resolved_, That the Dimocrisy uv Kentucky hevent felt so good sence the Memphis riots. 

 _Resolved_, That this manly act uv Gineral Rosso's makes up and compensates the South for the outrage he inflicted onto her when he jined the vandal host wich devastated her soil, and that hereafter he shel be receeved with just the same cordiality ez tho he had gone into the Confedrit instid uv the Federal servis. 

 _Resolved_, That the thanks uv the Dimocrisy are due the bold, brave men who accompanied and stood by General Rosso in this vindication uv the Southern spirit. 

I put the affirmative, ez is the custom here, it bein the rool, when theleaders want a thing to pass, never to call for the nays, and it wentthrough all right. Then I arose, and stated I hed another resolution, wich I wished to offer, and I read it:--

"_Resolved_, That in retainin in the Post Offis, at the Corners, aAblishnist, President Johnson is--"

At this point Deekin Pogram interrupted me. He spozed this meetin wuzcalled to congratulate Ginral Rosso, and wat wuz the sense uv mixin up apaltry Post Offis with a matter uv so much importance ez the canin uv aAblishnist? It was clearly out uv order. 

I replied, --

"Wood _yoo_ be glad, or wood this congregashun be glad, to hev me in thePost Orfis in the place uv that Ablishnist?"

The Deekin replied that personally he wood. He had the highest respectfor my massive talents and my excellent qualities uv head and heart, andbesides, he thought probable, ef I got the Post Orfis, he wood stand achance uv gettin the nine dollars and sixty-two cents borrowed money Iowed him, and--

I called him to order at once. 

Bascom, who keeps the grocery, and who furnishes me with likker (wich Ihev to take for my hair) on the strength uv remittances I am to receeve, insisted on hearin the resolution ef it wood further my gettin the PostOrfis, and so did the benevolent gentleman with whom I board, and Iresoomed, --

"I kin see a good reason for incorporatin a resolooshun demandin achange in the Post Orfis into the proceedins uv this meetin. There woodbe, my friends, " sed I, "no yoose uv sendin him a naked resolutiondemandin this change, becoz he reseeves hundreds and tens uv hundreds uvapplications for offices every day; in fact, they pile in at sich a ratethat he never opens the half uv them. The Dimocrisy, my brethren, arealive on this subject. Ef they are to support the President, they want, and will hev, the post orifises, for uv what use is it to support a manand pay yoor own expenses? It is plain that the proceedins uv a postoffis meetin wood never reach him, but this, my brethren, goes up to himfrom the PEOPLE, endorsin a supporter uv his policy, and ez it will bethe only one he hez reseeved, or will reseeve, he will read it and readit through, and in the exultation he will feel at bein endorsed byanybody, who doubts the result? The Post Orifis is mine. "

Bascom, the grocery keeper, moved, excitedly, the adoption uv theresolution. I suggested that I hed better read it, but he sed it made nodifference; he knew it wuz all rite. The benevolent and confidinindividooal I board with seconded the motion, and Deekin Pogramsupported it in a short speech, statin that he understood that it wuzBrother Nasby's intention, ef he succeeded in procoorin the position, todevote the first three and a half years' salary towards payin off thesmall indebtedness he hed contracted sence he hed honored the town byresidin in it. To all uv wich I blandly smiled an assent, whereupon theresolution wuz adopted yoonanimusly. Hevin lived here a little risin uva year, the vote wuz perfeckly yoonanimous. 

My prospex is britenin. 

 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. 

XXVI. 

Preaches--The "Prodigal Son"--An Interruption. 

 CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), July 6, 1866. 

I preached last Sabbath, or rather, tried to, from the parable of theProdigal Son. We hed a splendid congregashun. I notice a revival of thework in this part uv the Dimocratic vineyard wich reely cheers me. Thedemonstrashun our friends made in Memphis, the canin uv Grinnel byRosso, and the call for a Johnson Convenshun in Philadelphia, all, allhev conspired to comfort the souls uv the Dimocrisy, and encourage em torenewed effort. It is bringing forth fruit. Only last week five northernmen were sent whirlin out of this section. They dusted in the night toescape hangin, leavin their goods as a prey for the righteous. Sixniggers hev bin killed and one Burow officer shot. Trooly there iseverything to encourage us. 

The house wuz full. The weather wuz hot, and the pleasant incense uvmingled whiskey, tobacco, and snuff wich ariz wuz grateful to me. Thesun shone in on Deekin Pogram's face ez he gently slept, and when thesun hits him square I kin alluz tell wher he sets, even ef it is dark. He drinks apple-jack instead of corn whiskey, and chaws fine cuttobacker instead uv plug, and consekently when in the pulpit I kindistinguish the pecooliar aroma uv his breath from those around him. 

"My brethren, " sed I, "sich uv yoo ez hev Bibles in yoor houses, kin getsomebody to read yoo the parable to wich I shel call yoor attention. Aman, wunst upon a time, hed sons, ez many men hev since, and wun uv emwuz a tough one. He left his home and went into far countries, makin theold man shel out his share uv the estate, and he lived high, jist, mybrethren, ez yoor boys do, or rather, did, when they went to NooOrleans, in the days when yoo hed a nigger or two wich yoo cood sell tosupply em with money. He played draw poker and faro; he drank fancydrinks, and boarded at big hotels; and he follered after strange women, wich'll bust a man quicker nor any one small sin the devil hez yetinvented, ez yoor pastor kin testify. Uv course, his pile give out, andhe got down, my friends, did this ingenuous yooth, to rags andwretchedness, and ended in being an overseer uv swine. What did he do?He ariz and went to his father, and the old man saw him afar off, andwent out to meet him, and fell onto his neck, and give him a order for asoot of clothes and a pair uv boots, and put a ring onto his finger, andmade a feast, killin for the purpose the fatted calf wich he hed savedfor another occasion. 

"My friends, you kin find in the Skripter suthin applicable to everyoccasion, and this parable fits the present time like a ready-made coat. The South is the Prodigal Son. We went out from our father's house on aexpedition wich heznt proved altogether a success. We spent our share uvthe estate, and a little more. We run through with our means, and hevcum down to rags, and dirt, and filth, and hunger. We are, and hev binsome time, a chawin husks. We run out after them twin harlots, Slaveryand State Rights, and they've cleaned us out. Our pockets are empty. Nomore doth the pleasant half-dollar jingle in sweet unison agin itsfellows. Our wallets is barren uv postal currency, and thegrocery-keepers mourn, and refuse to be comforted, becoz we are not. Wehev got to the husk stage uv our woe, and wood be tendin hogs, ef thearmies, wich past through these countries, hed left us any. We hev kumback. In rags and dirt we hev wended our way to Washington, and ask tobe taken back. Now, why don't our father, the Government, fulfil theSkripter? Why don't it see us afar off, and run out to meet us? Whydon't it put onto us a purple robe? Where's the ring for our finger, andthe shoes for our feet? and where's the fatted calf he ought to kill? Mybrethren, them Ablishnists is worse than infiddles--while they preachthe gospel they won't practise it. For my part, I--"

At this point a sargent, belongin to that infernal Burow, who wuz in theawdience, with enough uv soldiers to make opposin uv him unpleasant, sedhe hed bin a sort uv an exhorter in his day, and desired to say a wordin explanation uv that parable, ez applicable to the present time; and, sez he, "ef I am interrupted, remember I b'long to the church military, wich is, just now, the church triumphant. " And cockin his musket heproceeded, very much uninterrupted. 

"The prodigal son, " sez he, "wuz received by the old man withconsiderable doins, but, my worthy friends, he went out decently. Hedidn't, ez soon ez he withdrawed from the house, turn around and makewar onto the old gentleman--he didn't burn his house and barns, tear uphis garden, burn his fences, and knock down the balance uv the children. Not any. He went away peaceably, a _misguided_ good-for-nothin, but yeta _peaceable_ good-for-nothin. Secondly, he come back uv his own akkord. The old man didn't go after him, and fight for four years, at a cost uvhalf his substance, to subdue him and bring him back, but when he hedrun through his pile, and squandered his share uv the estate, and gothungry, he came back like a whipped dog. 

"My friends, let me draw a small parallel between these cases. 

"The Prodigal Son went out, --so did the South, --thus farly the cases isalike. 

"The Prodigal didn't steal nothin. The Confederacy took everything itcood lay its hands on. 

"The Prodigal spent only what wuz his to spend. The Confederacy spentnot only all it stole, but all it cood borrer, when it knowd itspromises to pay wuzent worth the mizable paper they wuz printed onto. 

"The Prodigal, when he did come, come ez penitent ez the consciousnessthat he hed made a fool uv hisself cood make him. The Confederacy wuzwhipped back, but it still swears hefty oaths that it wuz right all thetime. 

"The Prodigal didn't _demand_ veal pot-pies, and purple robes, and sich, but begged to be a servant unto the more sensible brethren wich stayed. The South comes back _demandin_ office, uv wich the fatted calf, andrings, and purple robes is typical, and considerably more share in thegovernment than it had before it kicked over the traces, and went outlike the lost tribes uv Israel. 

"Spozn the Bible prodigal hed stopped his parient, and remarked to himthus: 'I am willin to come back, on conditions. Yoo must pay mydebts--yoo must give me an ekal share uv the farm with the otherboys--yoo must treat me in all respecks just ez ef I hadn't gone out, and--this is essential--yoo must take with me all the sharpers whoruined me, all the gamblers and thieves with whom I fell in while I wuzaway, and make them head men on the place; and above all, I hev with methe two harlots wich wuz the prime cause of my ruin, and they must heveleven of the best rooms in the house, and must be treated ez yourdaughters. To avoid displeasin the others, I'll dress em in differentclothes, but here they must stay. Otherwise, I'll go out agin. '

"Probably the old gentleman wood hev become indignant, and would hevremarked to him to go, and never let him see his audacious face agin, orrather, he would hev strangled the harlots, scattered the blacklegs, andchoked the young sprout into submission. Them's me. I am anxious to killthat fatted calf, and am also anxious to put on yoo robes and shoes. But, alas! the calf suffered from want uv attention so long doorin thelate misunderstandins that he's too poor--the robes wuz all cut up intobloo kotes for the soljers we sent out to fetch you in--the shoes theywore out, and the rings--Jeff'son Davis wears the only style we hev. When you come back in good shape, yool find us ready to meet you; buttill then, chaw husks!"

Lookin around, this armed tyrant remarked that there would be no morepreaching that day, and sadly the congregation dispersed. 

I'm heart sick. At every turn I make that Burow stares me in the face, and counteracts my best endeavors. It's curious, though, what differentsermons kin be preached from the same text, and it's also curious howquiet our folks listen to a ablishnist who hez muskets to back him. 

 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. 

XXVII. 

A Pleasant Dream, the Philadelphia Convention being the Subject thereof. 

 CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), July 28, 1866. 

My dreams, uv wich I hev hed many doorin the past five years, hevent binoverly pleasant; indeed, they hev taken more the shape uv hideousnitemares than anything else--Linkin, Grant, Sherman, and armies dressedin blue, figurin extensively therein. But last nite I hed a vision wichmore than repaid me for all I hev suffered heretofore. I hed bin at theCorners assistin in inauguratin a new grocery. The proprietor wuz ademoralized Ablishnist who hed sold likker surreptitiously in Maine, among them Ablishunists, and consekently hed no idea uv the quantity afull grown Kentucky Democrat cood throw hisself outside uv. His entirecapital with which he proposed to commence biznis wuz one barrel uv newcorn whiskey, and some other necessaries, and ez a starter, to make theacquaintance uv his customers, he announced one free nite, and invitedthe entire community. His invitashun wuz considered generous, and we metit in the same noble sperit--in a more nobler sperit than the confidinand ignorant man desired, in fact; for when we got through, in about 38minits, there wuzn't a drop uv the whiskey left, and while the newgrocery keeper wuz a rollin uv us out, he wuz cussin hisself for a fool. He didn't open agin; he consoomed his stock in trade in givin theblow-out to sekoor customers. His stock, like A. Johnson's Unionism, didn't survive an inaugerashen. 

I succumbed in a fence corner, and overpowered ez I wuz, slept

 "A sweetly dreamin-- Dreamin the happy hours away. "

Methought I wuz in Philadelphia, and the 14th uv August had arriv. Therewuz a glorious assemblage, ez Doolittle sed, uv the brains and hearts uvthe country, and I may add, ez I and Humphrey Marshall wuz there, uv thebowels likewise. The Convenshun wuz assemblin. There wuz Seward present, engineerin uv it. On one side uv him I notist, in my dream, a shadowybein with wings, draped in white, and wearin a melonkoly look, with onehand a layin on his shoulder, a tryin to take him out uv the hall, whileanother bein, with wings like a bat, hed him by the nose, and wuz atwistin uv him jest ez he desired. I notist that this last mentionedbein hed hoofs, wich wuz split, and a tail wich he wuz flirtin in greatglee. The bein with the tail and hoofs whispered suthin in Seward's ear, whereupon he moved that that eminent patriot, Ex-President FRANKLINPIERCE, be chairman; upon wich the shadowy bein in white unfolded herwings, and flew away, castin at William the most sorrowful look I eversaw, the hoofed and tailed individooal laughin tremendous. TheEx-President took the chair, and one Vice-President wuz appointed fromeach State, ceptin Vermont and Massachoosits. My buzzum swelled withemoshen ez that list wuz read; it wuz more like an old-fashionedDemocratic Convenshun than anything I hed heard for five long years. Iheard the honored names uv Toombs and Rhett, Pryor and Lee, Slidell andRosso, and Dandridge and Forrest; I heard the names uv Craven andPollard, Thompson and Forsyth, and I felt like him uv old--"Mine eyeshev seen thy glory, now let thy servant depart in peace. " Nothin but thecertainty that I wood at last hev that Post Offis at the Corners kept mefrom goin up. Singler 'tis wat slender ties hold us to earth!

The Secretaries wuz apinted, and then the committees--two on each fromthe South and one from the North, wich wuz consiliatin. I wuz put on thecommittee on credenshals, Randall, the Postmaster-General, bein theNorthern representative. We hed our hands full. There wuz a rush made onus, so many claimin seats that we locked the doors for two hours todecide what shood be the proper qualification for a place. Finally weagreed to admit ez delegates, --

FROM THE NORTH--all Dimocrats who had bin arrested by Linkin's minyuns;all officers who hed resined rather than to serve in a Ablishun war, andall Republikins who cood show a commishun ez Postmaster and sich, and(this wuz considered necessary to guard agin imposition) who wuz willinto take his solemn oath that he wuz a steadfast bleever in everything A. Johnson hed did sence Janooary, '66 (ceptin sum small items wich wuzspecified), and all he wuz doin, and all he mite do. 

FROM THE SOUTH--all who cood show a officer's commission in the lateConfedrit army; all who had receeved a pardon from A. Johnson, and allwho hed lost their niggers in an unholy war, wich inclooded all present. 

This decided upon, the work wuz done. The delegates took their seats, and the grate work uv Reconstructin the Yoonyun commenced. Garret Daviswanted to make a speech, and a hall wuz hired for him in another part uvthe city, and fifty or sixty German emigrants, who coodent understand aword uv English, hired at a shillin an hour to act ez audience. Fivekegs uv lager beer, a flooid wich I hev bin told Germans tie to, hed binrolled in the hall, and most uv em stayed seven hours and a half. 

In the regler Hall there wuz a comminglin which wuz edifyin. Doolittlewood make a motion, and Vallandigham wood second it. Forrest made aspeech, and Randall indorsed it. Seward and John Morrissey were on theCommittee on Resolutions, and Dick Taylor and Cowan were occupyin oneseat. The resolutions were brief and to the pint. They resolved that, --

 Whereas, there hed bin a season uv unpleasantness in our national history, wich, owin to circumstances over wich nobody hed any control, extended over several periods uv ninety days each; and

 Whereas, the unpleasantness resulted from the two sections viewin things each from its own stand-pint, instead of viewin things from the other's stand-pint; and

 Whereas, both parties wuz highly in the wrong, partikelerly the North; and

 Whereas, the South, with a magnanimity unknown in history, hed thrown down her arms, and wuz ready to resoom her old position in the Government--nay, more, to take more than her old share in the trouble uv runnin the Government; therefore be it

 _Resolved_, That we are for the Yoonyun ez it wuz. 

 _Resolved_, That the persistency uv a sectional Congress, in continuin the unpleasantness wich hez to some extent disturbed our system uv Government, in legistatin while eleven sovereign States is unrepresented, is pizen. 

 _Resolved_, That we view with alarm the manifest determination uv Congress to centralize in theirselves the law-makin power uv the Government, and we pledge our support to our worthy Chief Magistrate, who is a second Jaxon, in his efforts to check their centralizin schemes by vetoin all they may do. 

 _Resolved_, That all traces uv the late onpleasantness may be wiped out ez soon ez possible, we demand uv Congress an appropriation for plowin over all the fields on wich the citizens uv the two sections who wuz indoost by their respective Governments, so-called, to carry muskets, cum together, particklerly them on wich our Southern brethren got the worst uv the disputes that ensood. 

 _Resolved_, That Congress shood, ez soon ez it convenes, change the names uv Murfreesboro', Gettysburg, Atlanta, Vicksburg, et settry, to sich names ez Smithboro', Brownsburg, Jonesburg, et settry, that the serious unpleasantnesses wich occurred at them places may be remembered no more forever. 

 _Resolved_, That the citizens uv the Southern States wich lost their lives, and legs, and sich, in the late unpleasantnesses wich hez bin referred to, ought to be placed on the pension rolls the same ez the Northern citizens who suffered likewise; and that the debt incurred by the South in upholdin things ez viewed from its stand-pint, is entitled to be paid the same ez the debt incurred by the North in upholdin things ez viewed from its stand-pint. 

 _Resolved_, That we are willin, for the sake uv harmony, to admit that Sherman and Grant were, all things considered, worthy uv bein ranked with Lee and Jackson. 

 _Resolved_, That the safety uv the Government demands that sich ez took part in the late unpleasantnis, from the Southern States, be to-wunst admitted to Congress, and to the other posishens wich they yoost to ornament, and that the more unpleasant they wuz doorin the trouble the more they ought to be admitted. 

 _Resolved_, That there shall be gushen confidences, we freely forgive the honored Secretary uv State for the too free use uv his little bell doorin the late unpleasantnis, believin that he viewed things from his own stand-pint instead uv somebody else's, wich alluz causes trouble. 

At this pint His Eggslency, Andrew Johnson, supported by Secretary Wellson the wun side and Vice-President Stephens on one other, with Bukananin front and Toombs behind, entered the hall. Sich a cheering I neverheerd. Hats wuz slung into the air, and seats wuz torn up. Proudly theyadvanced up the aisle, treading, ez they went, onto a portrait uv Linkinwich a enthusiastic Connecticut delegate tore from the wall and throwdbefore em. They took their position on the stage, Gen. Buell holdin overem a Fedral flag, and Genral Henry A. Wise, uv Virginny, a Confedritflag, both wavin em to the music uv two bands; one a playin Dixie, andthe other Yankee Doodle. 

At this pint methought the sperit uv Washinton floated into the hall, and for a minnit contemplated the countenance uv President Johnson. Inmy dreem I heerd him murmur, "There wuz me, and Adams, and Gefferson, and Monroe, and sich, and then cum Fillmore, and Peerce, and Bookannon, and, good God! Johnson! Faugh!" and I notist that George spit ez tho'suthin in his mouth didn't taste well. In fact, the Father uv hiscountry looked sick, and spreadin his wings, the sperit moved out uv thehall, shakin the sperit dust off uv his speritool boots ez he shot thro'the sky-lite. 

There wuz then a blank in my dream. When I resoomed, I was at thePost-offis Department the next mornin. The gullotin hed commenced work, and the supporters uv the constitushun were reseevin their commissionsez postmasters ez fast ez four hundred clerks cood make em out. Ez Ipressed forward, Randall hisself give me mine. "Take it, my venerablefriend, " sez he, with tears a gushin down his cheeks; "take it. No moreshall that Demokrat in your township who takes a paper reseeve itcontaminated by the touch uv a Ablishin radical. "

[Illustration: NASBY'S DREAM OF THE PHILADELPHIA CONVENTION. ]

At this critical pint I awoke. Wood that that dream wuz a reality! WillI only git that postoffis in a dream. 

 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. 

XXVIII. 

The Reward of Virtue. --After Months of waiting, the Virtuous Patriotsecures his Loaf. --The Jollification. 

 CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), August 12, 1866. 

At last I hev it! Finally it come! After five weary trips to Washington, after much weary waitin and much travail, I hev got it. I am now PostMaster at Confedrit × Roads, and am dooly installed in my new position. Ef I ever hed any doubts ez to A. Johnson bein a better man than Paulthe Apossle, a look at my commission removes it. If I ketch myself afeelin that he deserted us onnecessarily five years ago, another look, and my resentment softens into pity. Ef I doubt his Democrisy, I look atthat blessed commission, and am reassured, for a President who cood turnout a wounded Federal soldier, and apoint sich a man ez ME, must beabove suspicion. 

I felt it wuz coming two weeks ago. I received a cirkler from Randall, now my sooperior in offis, propoundin these questions:--

 1. Do yoo hev the most implicit faith in Androo Johnson, in all that he hez done, all that he is doin, and all he may hereafter do?

 2. Do you bleeve that the Philadelphia Convenshun will be a convocashen uv saints, all actuated by pure motives, and devoted to the salvation uv our wunst happy, but now distractid country?

 3. Do yoo bleeve that, next to A. Johnson, Seward, Doolittle, Cowan, and Randall are the four greatest, and purest, and bestest, and self-sacrificinest, and honestest, and righteousist men that this country hez ever prodoost?

 4. Doo yoo bleeve that there is a partikelerly hot place reserved in the next world for Trumbull, a hotter for Wade, and the hottest for Sumner and Thad Stevens?

 5. Do yoo approve uv the canin uv Grinnell by Rosso?

 6. Do yoo consider the keepin out uv Congris eleven sovrin states a unconstooshnel and unwarrantid assumption uv power by a secshnal Congris?

 7. Do yoo bleeve the present Congris a rump, and that (eleven states bein unrepresented) all their acts are unconstooshnel and illegal, ceptin them wich provides for payin salaries?

 8. Do yoo bleeve that the Memphis and Noo Orleans unpleasantnesses wuz brot about by the unholy machinashens uv them Radical agitators, actin in conjunction with ignorant and besotted niggers, to wreak their spite on the now loyal citizens uv those properly reconstructed cities. 

 9. Are yoo not satisfied that the African citizens uv Amerikin descent kin be safely trusted to the operations uv the universal law wich governs labor and capital?

 10. Are yoo willin to contribute a reasonable per cent. Uv yoor salary to a fund to be used for the defeat uv objectionable Congrismen in the disloyal states North?

To all uv these inquiries I not only answered yes, but went afore aJustis uv the Peace and took an affidavit to em, forwarded it back, andmy commission wuz forthwith sent to me. 

There wuz a jubilee the nite it arriv. The news spread rapidly throughthe four groceries uv the town, and sich anuther spontaneous outbust uvjoy I never witnessed. 

[Illustration: SUPPORTERS OF "MY POLICY" IN PROCESSION. ]

The bells rung, and for an hour or two the Corners wuz in the wildeststait uv eggsitement. The citizens congratoolated each other on thecertainty uv the acceshun uv the President to the Dimocrisy, and intheir enthoosiasm five nigger families were cleaned out, two uv em, onea male and the tother a female, wuz killed. Then a perceshun wuzorganized as follers:--

Two grocery keepers with bottles. 

Deekin Pogram. 

ME, with my commishun pinned onto a banner, and under it written, "Inthis Sign we Conker. "

Wagon with tabloo onto it: A nigger on the bottom boards, Bascom, thegrocery keeper, with one foot onto him, holdin a banner inscribed, "TheNigger where he oughter be. "

Citizen with bottle. 

Deekin Pogram's daughter Mirandy in a attitood uv wallopin a wench. Banner: "We've Regained our Rites. "

Two citizens with bottles tryin to keep in perceshun. 

Two more citizens, wich hed emptyd their bottles, fallin out by the wayside. 

Citizens, two and two, with bottles. 

Wagon, loaded with the books and furnitur uv a nigger skool, in a staituv wreck, with a ded nigger layin on top uv it, wich hed bin captooredwithin the hour. Banner: "My Policy. "

The perceshun mooved to the meetin hous, and Deekin Pogram takin theChair, a meetin wuz to wunst organized. 

The Deekin remarked that this wuz the proudest moment uv his life. Hewuz gratified at the appintment uv his esteemed friend, becoz heappreciated the noble qualities wich wuz so conspikuous into him, andbecoz his arduous services in the coz uv Dimokrisy entitled him to theposishun. All these wuz aside uv and entirely disconnected from the factthat thare wood now be a probability uv his gittin back a little matteruv nine dollars and sixty-two cents ("Hear! hear!") wich he hed loanedhim about eighteen months ago, afore he had knowed him well, or larnedto luv him. But thare wuz anuther reason why he met to rejoyce to-nite. It showed that A. Johnson meant bizness; that A. Johnson wuz troo to theDimokrasy, and that he hed fully made up his mind to hurl the bolts uvoffishl thunder wich he held in his Presidenshal hands at his enemies, and to make fight in earnest; that he wuz goin to reward hisfriends--them ez he cood trust. Our venerable friend's bein put incondishun to pay the confidin residents uv the Corners the little sumshe owes them is a good thing ("Hear!" "Hear!" "Troo!" "Troo!" withsingular unanimity from every man in the bildin), but wat wuz sichconsiderashuns when compared to the grate moral effect uv the decisivemovement? ("A d----d site!" shouted one grocery keeper, and "We don'twant no moral effect!" cried another. ) My friends, when the news uv thisbold step uv the President goes forth to the South, the price uvConfedrit skript will go up, and the shootin uv niggers will cease; forthe redempshun uv the first I consider ashoored, and the redoosin uv thelatter to their normal condishun I count ez good ez done. 

Squire Gavitt remarked that he wuz too much overpowered with emoshun tospeak. For four years, nearly five, the only newspaper wich come to thatoffis hed passed thro' the polluted hands uv a Ablishnist. He hed nopartikler objecshun to the misguided man, but he wuz a symbol uvtyranny, and so long ez he sot there, he reminded em that they werewearin chains. Thank the Lord, that day is over! The Corners isredeemed, the second Jaxson hez risin, and struck off the shackles. Hewood not allood to the trifle uv twelve dollars and a half that heloaned the appintee some months ago, knowin that it wood be paid out uvthe first money--

Bascom, the principal grocery keeper, rose, and called the Squire toorder. He wanted to know ef it wuz fair play to talk sich talk. No mancood feel a more hart-felt satisfaction at the appintment uv our honoredfriend than him, showin, ez it did, that the President hed cut loosefrom Ablishnism, wich he dispised, but he protestid agin the Squireundertakin to git in his bill afore the rest hed a chance. Who furnishthim his licker for eight months, and who hez the best rite for the firstdig at the proceeds uv the position? He wood never--

The other three grocery keepers rose, when Deekin Pogram rooled em allout uv order, and offered the followin resolutions:--

 Whereas, the President hez, in a strikly constooshnel manner, relieved this commoonity uv an offensive Ablishunist, appinted by that abhorred tyrant Linkin, and appinted in his place a sound constooshnel Demokrat--one whom to know is to lend; therefore, be it

 _Resolved_, That we greet the President, and, ashoor him uv our continyood support and confidence. 

 _Resolved_, That we now consider the work uv Reconstruction, so far ez this community is concerned, completed, and that we feel that we are wunst more restored to our proper relations with the federal government. 

 _Resolved_, That the glorious defence made by the loyal Democracy uv Noo Orleans agin the combined conventioners and niggers, shows that freemen kin not be conkered, and that white men shel rule America. 

 _Resolved_, That, on this happy occasion, we forgive the Government for what we did, and cherish nary resentment agin anybody. 

The resolutions wuz adopted, and the meetin adjourned with three cheersfor Johnson and his policy. 

Then came a scene. Every last one uv em hed come there with a note madeout for the amount I owed him at three months. Kindness of heart is aweakness of mine, and I signed em all, feelin that ef the mere fact ofwritin my name wood do em any good, it wood be crooel in me to object tothe little laber required. Bless their innocent soles! they went awayhappy. 

The next mornin I took possesshun uv the offis. 

[Illustration: NASBY'S DREAM OF PERFECT BLISS. ]

"Am I awake, or am I dreamin?" thought I. No, no! it is no dream. Hereis the stamps, here is the blanks, and here is the commisshun! It istroo! it is troo!

I heerd a child, across the way, singin, --

 "I'd like to be a angel, And with the angels stand. "

I woodn't, thought I. I woodn't trade places with an angel, even up. AOffis with but little to do, with four grocerys within a stone's throw, is ez much happiness ez my bilers will stand without bustin. A angel4sooth!

 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P. M. (wich is Postmaster. )

XXIX. 

The Convocation of Hungry Souls at Philadelphia. --A Description of thatMemorable Occasion by One who had been Provided for. 

 POST OFFIS, CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), August 14, 1866. 

Peace is into me. I hev spent many happy periods in the course uv aeventful life; but I never knowd what perfeck satisfaction wuz till now. The first week I wuz married to my Looizer Jane it wuz hevenly; for, independent uv the other blisses incident to the married state, Ibeleeved that she wuz the undivided possessor uv a farm, or ruther herfather wuz, wich, on the old man's decease, wood be hern, and theprospeck uv a lifetime with a amiable, well-built woman, with a farm bigenough to support me, with prudence on her part, wuz bliss itself; and Ienjoyed it with a degree uv muchness rarely ekaled, until I found outthat it wuz kivered more deeply with mortgages than it wuz ever likelyto be with crops, and my dreem uv happiness busted. Sweet ez wuz thisweek, it wuz misery condensed when compared to the season I hev jestpassed through. 

I wuz a delegate to Philadelphia. I wuzn't elected nor nothin, andhedn't any credentials; but the door uv the wigwam I passed, nevertheless. The door-keeper wuz a Dimokrat, and my breath helped me;my nose, wich reely blossoms like the lobster, wuz uv yoose; but I spectmy hevin a gray coat on, with a stand up collar, with a brass star ontoit, wuz wat finished the biznis. The Southern delegates fought shy uvme; but the Northern ones, bless their souls! the minit they saw thestar on the collar uv my gray coat, couldn't do enuff for me. Theyaddressed me ez Kernel and Gineral, and sed "this wuz trooly anunmeritid honor, " and paid for my drinks; and I succeeded in borrowin ahundred and twenty dollars of em the first day. I mite hev doubled it;but the fellows wuz took in so easy that no financeerin wuz required, and it really wuz no amoozment. 

The Convenshun itself wuz the most affectinist gatherin I ever witnist. I hed a seat beside Randall, who wuz a managin the concern, and I coodsee it all. The crowd rushed into the bildin, and filled it, whenRandall desired attention. He bein the Postmaster General, every one ofem dropped into his seat ez though he hed bin shot, and there wuz themost perfeck quiet I ever saw. Doolittle, who wuz the Cheerman, winkedat Randall, and nodded his head, when Randall announced that THEDELEGATES FROM SOUTH KARLINY, AND THE DELEGATES FROM MASSACHOOSITS, WOODENTER ARM IN ARM! With a slow and measured step they cum in; and, at asignal from Randall, the cheerin commenst--and sich cheerin! ThenDoolittle pulled out his white hankercher, and applied it to his eyes;and every delegate simultaneously pulled out a white hankercher, andapplied it to his eyes. 

To me, this wuz the proudest moment uv my life; not that there wuzanything partikilerly inspiritin in the scene afore me, for therewuzzent. Orr, from South Caroliny, looked partikilerly ashamed ofhisself, ez though he wuz going thro a highly nessary, but extremelydisgustin, ceremony, and wuz determined to keep up a stiff upper lipover it; and Couch looked up to Orr, ez though he wuz afeerd uv him, andez though he felt flattered by Orr's condecension in walkin at all withsich a umble individjooal. But, to my eyes, the scene wuz significant. Ilooked into the fucher, and wat did I see, ez them two men--one sneekin, and tother ashamed uv hisself--walked up that aisle? Wat did I see? Isaw the Democrisy restored to its normal condishun. I saw the reunion uvthe two wings. In fact, I saw the entire Dimokratic bird reunited. TheNorth, one wing, and the weakest; Kentucky, the beak, sharp, hungry, andrapacious; South-west, the strong, active wing; Virginny, the legs andclaws; Ohio, the heart; Pennsylvania, the stomach; South Caroliny, thetail feathers; and Noo Jersey, the balance of the bird, --I saw theseparts, for five years dissevered, come together, holdin nigger in oneclaw, and Post Offises in the other, sayin, "Take em both together; theygo in lots. " I saw the old Union--the bold, shivelrous Southner aguidin, controllin, and directin the machine, and assoomin to hisselfthe places uv honor, and the Dimokrat uv the North follerin, like apuppy dog, at his heels, takin sich fat things ez he cood snap up; theSoutherner ashamed uv his associations, but forced to yoose em; theNortherner uncomfortable in his presence, but tied to him byself-interest. I saw a comin back the good old times when thirty-fourStates met in convenshun, and let eleven rule em; and ez I contemplatedthe scene, I too wept, but it wuz in dead earnest. 

"Wat are you blubberin for?" asked a enthusiastic delegate in front uvme, who wuz a swabbin his eyes with a handkercher. 

"I'm a Postmaster, " sez I, "and must do my dooty in this crisis. Wat areyou sheddin pearls for?" retorted I. "Are you a Postmaster?"

"No, " sez he; "but I hope to be;" and he swabbed away with renoodvigger. 

"Wat's the matter with the eyes uv all the delegates?" sez I. 

"They've all got Post Offisis in em, " sez he; and he worked away fasterthan ever. 

While gettin a fresh handkercher (wich I borrered from the hind coatpocket uv a delegate near me, and wich, by the way, in my delirious joy, I forgot to say anythin to him about it), I looked over the Convenshun, and agin the teers welled up from my heart. My sole wuz full andoverflowin, and I slopped over at the eyes. There, before me, sat thathero, Dick Taylor, and Cuth Bullitt; and there wuz the Nelsons andYeadons, and the representatives uv the first families uv the South, andin PHILADELPHIA, AT A CONVENTION, with all the leadin Demokrats uv theNorth, ceptin Vallandigham and Wood, and they wuz skulkin around withincall, with their watchful eyes on the perceedins. Here is a prospeck!Here is fatnis! The President into our confidence! The PostmasterGeneral a runnin the Convention! The bands a playin Dixie and the StarSpangled Banner alternitly, so that nobody cood complain uv partiality, or tell reely wich side the Convention wuz on, or wich side it had beenon in the past! Ah! my too susceptible sole filled up agin; the teersstarted; but that vent wuznt enuff, and I fell faintin onto the floor. Twenty or thirty Northern delegates seed me fallin, and ketchin site uvthe gray coat, with the brass star onto it, rushed to ketch me; and theybore me out uv the wigwam. Sed one, "Wat a techin scene! overpowered byhis feelins. " "Yes, " sed another: "he deserves a apintment. "

I didn't go back to the Convenshun, coz I knowd it wan't no yoose; andbesides, after all the teers that had been shed, --the members wringintheir handkerchers onto the floor, --it wuz sloppy under foot. Conciliation and tenderness gushed out uv em. I knowd it would be allright; it couldn't be otherwise. There wuz bonds wich held the memberstogether, and prevented the possibility uv trouble. Johnson, hevin aambition to head a party, must hev a party to head. The Northerndelegashun--wich hed formerly actid with the Ablishnists--couldn't donothin without the Democracy North; and both on em combined couldn't donothin without the Democracy South, The President cood depend on theDemocracy North, coz he holds the offices; the Democracy North cooddepend on the President, coz he must hev their votes. The President cooddepend on the Democracy South, coz they want him to make a fight agin aAblishen Congris, wich is a unconstooshnelly keepin uv em out, andpreventin em from wollopin their niggers; the Democracy South cooddepend on the President, coz he must hev their Representatives in theirseats to beat the Ablishnists in Congris, --all cood depend on all, eachcood depend on the other, coz each faction, or ruther each stripe, hedits little private axe to grind, wich it coodent do without the othersto turn the grind-stone. 

The Southern delegates, some on em, wuznt so well pleased. "What inthunder, " sed one uv em, "did they mean by pilin on the agony over thethe Yanks we killed? by pledgin us to give up the ijee uv seceshen, andby pledgin on us to pay the Nashnel Yankee debt?"

"'Sh!" sed I; "easy over the rough places. My friend, they didn't meanit; or, ef they did, _we_ didn't. Is a oath so hard to break? Wood ittrouble that eminent patriot Breckenridge, after all the times he sworeto support the Constitution, to sware to it wunst more? and wood ittrouble him to break it any more than it did in '61? Nay, verily. Dismiss them gloomy thots. Vallandigham wuz kicked out; but a thousandmules, and all uv em old and experienced, cooden't kick him out uv ourservice. Doolittle talked Northern talk, coz it's a habit he got intodoorin the war; but he'll git over it. Raymond will be on our side thisyear, certain, for last year he was agin us; and by the time he is readyto turn agin, he'll be worn to so small a pint that he won't be worthhevin; and the Democrisy uv the North wuz alluz ourn, and ef theywuzzent, the offices Johnson hez in reserve will draw em like lode stun. 

"My deer sir, I wunst knowd a Irishman, who wuz sense killed in a Fenianraid, employed as a artist in well diggin. It wuz his lot to go to thebottom uv the excavation and load the buckets with earth. The dinnerhorn sounded, and he, with the alacrity characteristic uv the race, sprang into the bucket, and told em to hist away; and they histed. Butez they histed, they amoozed themselves a droppin earth onto him. 'Shtop!' sed he; but they didn't. 'Shtop!' sed he, 'or, be gorra! I'llcut the rope. ' My dear sir, Randall, and Doolittle, and Seward, andJohnson are a histin us out uv the pit we fell into in 1860. Theirlittle talk about debts, and slavery, and sich, is the earth they'redroppin onto us for fun; but shel we, like ijeots, cut the rope? Nary!Let em hist; and when we're safe out, and on solid ground, we kin, ef wedesire, turn and chuck em into the hole. "

All went off satisfied: the Northern men, for they carried home with emtheir commishuns; I, feelin that my Post office wuz sekoor; for ef, withthe show we've got, we can't reëlect Johnson, the glory uv the Democracyhez departed indeed. 

 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P. M. (wich is Postmaster. )

XXX. 

The Great Presidential Excursion to the Tomb of Douglas. --An Account ofthe Ride of the Modern John Gilpin, who went a Pleasuring and came Homewith nothing but the Necks of His Bottles: by His Chaplain. --FromWashington to Detroit. 

 AT THE BIDDLE HOUSE (wich is in Detroit, Michigan), September the 4th, 1866. 

Step by step I am assendin the ladder uv fame; step by step I am climbinto a proud eminence. Three weeks ago I wuz summoned to Washinton by thateminently grate and good man, Androo Johnson, to attend a consultationez to the proposed Western tour, wich wuz to be undertaken for thepurpose uv arousin the masses uv the West to a sence uv the danger wichwuz threatnin uv em in case they persisted in centralizin the power uvthe Government into the hands uv a Congress, instid uv diffusin itthroughout the hands uv one man, wich is Johnson. I got there too lateto take part in the first uv the discussion. When I arrove they hedeverything settled cepting the appintment uv a Chaplain for theexcursion. The President insisted upon my fillin that position, butSeward objected. He wanted Beecher, but Johnson wuz inflexibly agin him. "I am determined, " sez he, "to carry out my policy, but I hev somebowels left. Beecher hez done enuff already, considerin the pay he got. No, no! he shel be spared this trip; indeed he shel. "

"Very good, " said Seward; "but at least find some clergyman who endorsesus without hevin P. M. To his honored name. It wood look better. "

"I know it wood, " replied Johnson; "but where kin we find sich a one? Ihev swung around the entire circle, and heven't ez yet seen him. Nasbyit must be. "

There wuz then a lively discussion ez to the propriety, before theprocession started, of removin all the Federal offis-holders on theproposed route, and appintin men who beleeved in us (Johnson, Beecher, and Me), that we might be shoor uv a sootable recepshun at each pint atwich we wuz to stop. The Annointed wuz in favor uv it. Sez he, "Them ezwon't support my polisy shan't eat my bread and butter. " Randall andDoolittle chimed in, for it's got to be a part of their religion toassent to whatever the President sez, but I mildly protested. I owe aduty to the party, and I am determined to do it. 

"Most High, " sez I, "a settin hen wich is lazy makes no fuss; cut itshead off, and it flops about, for a while, lively. Lincoln'soffice-holders are settin hens. They don't like yoo nor yoor policy, butwhile they are on their nests, they will keep moderitly quiet. Cut offtheir heads, and they will spurt their blood in your face. Ez to beinenshoord of a reception at each point, you need fear nothin. Calkerlatinmoderately, there are at least twenty-five or thirty patriots who feel acall for every offis in your disposal. So long, Yoor Highnis, ez themoffisis is held just where they kin see em, and they don't know wich isto git em, yoo may depend upon the entire enthoosiasm uv each, individyooally and collectively. In short, ef there's 4 offises in atown, and yoo make the appointments, yoo hev sekoored 4 supporters; tillyoo make the appointments yoo hev the hundred who expect to get em. "

The President agreed with me that until after the trip the gullotineshood stop. 

Secretary Seward sejested that a clean shirt wood improve my personalappearance, and akkordingly a cirkular wuz sent to the clerks in theDepartments, assessin em for that purpose. Sich uv em ez refoosed tocontribute their quota wuz instantly dismissed for disloyalty. 

At last we started, and I must say we wuz got up in a highlyconciliatory style. Every wun of the civilians uv the party wore buzzumpins, et settry, wich wuz presented to em by the Southern delegates tothe Philadelphia Convention, wich wuz made uv the bones uv Federalsoldiers wich hed fallen at various battles. Sum uv em were partiklerlyvaluable ez anteeks, hevin bin made from the bones uv the fust soldierswho fell at Bull Run. 

The Noo York recepshun wuz a gay affair. I never saw His ImperialHighness in better spirits, and he delivered his speech to betteradvantage than I ever heard him do it before, and I bleeve I've heard ita hundred times. We left Noo York sadly. Even now, ez I write, theremembrance uv that perceshun, the recollection uv that banquet, lingersaround me, and the taste uv them wines is still in my mouth. But we hedto go. We hed a mishn to perform, and we put ourselves on a steamboatand started. 

ALBANY. --There wuz a immense crowd, but the Czar uv all the Amerikasdidn't get orf his speech here. The Governor welcomed him, but hewelcomed him ez the Cheef Magistrate uv the nashen, and happened to dropin Lincoln's name. That struck a chill over the party, and the Presidentgot out uv it ez soon ez possible. Bein reseeved ez Chief Magistrate, and not ez the great Pacificator, ain't His Eggslency's best holt. Itwuz unkind uv Governor Fenton to do it. If he takes the papers, he mustknow that His Mightiness ain't got but one speech, and he ought to hevmade sich a reception ez wood hev enabled him to hev got it off. Weshook the dust off uv our feet, and left Albany in disgust. 

SKENACTADY. --The people uv this delightfull little village wuz awakewhen the Imperial train arrived. The changes hadn't bin made in theoffices here, and consekently there wuz a splendid recepshun. I didn'tsuppose there wuz so many patriots along the Mohawk. I wuz pinted out bysum one ez the President's private adviser--a sort uv private Secretaryuv State; and after the train started, I found jest 211 petitions forthe Post Offis in Skenaktedy in my side coat pocket, wich the patriotswho hed hurrahed so vocifferously hed dexterously deposited there. Theincident wuz a movin one. "Thank God!" thought I. "So long ez we hev thepost offiees to give, we kin alluz hev a party. " The Sultan swung aroundthe cirkle wunst here, and leaving the Constooshun in their hands, thetrain moved off. 

UTICA. --The President spoke here with greater warmth, and jerked moreoriginality than I hed before observed. He introdoost here the remarkthat he didn't come to make a speech; that he wuz goin to shed a tearover the tomb uv Douglas; that, in swingin around the circle, he hedfought traitors on all sides uv it, but that he felt safe. He shoodleave the Constooshn in their hands, and ef a martyr wuz wanted, he wuzready to die with neetness and dispatch. 

ROME. --Here we hed a splendid recepshun, and I never heard His Majestyspeek more felicitously. He menshuned to the audience that he hed swungaround the Southern side uv the cirkle, and wuz now swingin around theNorthern side uv it, and that he wuz fightin traitors on all sides. Heleft the Constitooshun in their hands, and bid em good bye. I receivedat this pint only 130 petitions for the post office, wich I took ez abad omen for the comin election. 

LOCKPORT. --The President is improvin wonderfully. He rises with theoccasion. At this pint he mentioned that he wuz sot on savin the countrywich hed honored him. Ez for himself, his ambishn wuz more thansatisfied. He hed bin Alderman, Member uv the Legislacher, Congressman, Senator, Military Governor, Vice-President, and President. He hed swungaround the entire circle uv offises, and all he wanted now wuz to healthe wounds uv the nashen. He felt safe in leavin the Constooshn in theirhands. Ez he swung around the cirkle--

At this pint I interrupted him. I told him that he hed swung around thecirkle wunst in this town, and ez yooseful ez the phrase wuz, it mightspile by too much yoose. 

At Cleveland we begun to get into hot water. Here is the post to whichthe devil uv Ablishnism is chained, and his chain is long enough to lethim rage over neerly the whole State. I am pained to state that thePresident wuzn't treated here with the respeck due his station. Hecommenst deliverin his speech, but wuz made the subjeck uv ribaldlaffture. Skasely hed he got to the pint uv swingin around the cirkle, when a foul-mouthed nigger-lover yelled "Veto!" and another vocifferated"Noo Orleens!" and another remarked "Memphis!" and one after anotherinterruption occurred until His Highness wuz completely turned off thetrack, and got wild. He forgot his speech, and struck out crazy, but thestarch wuz out uv him, and he wuz worsted. Grant, wich we hed takenalong to draw the crowds, played dirt on us here, and stepped onto aboat for Detroit, leavin us only Farragut ez a attraction, who triedtwice to git away ditto, but wuz timely prevented. The Presidentrecovered his ekanimity, and swung around the cirkle wunst, and leavinthe Constooshn in their hands, retired. 

At the next pint we wuz astounded at seein but one man at the station. He wuz dressed with a sash over his shoulder, and wuz wavin a flag withwun hand, firin a saloot with a revolver with the other, and playin"Hail to the Chief!" on a mouth organ, all to wunst. 

"Who are you, my gentle friend?" sez I. 

"I'm the newly-appinted Postmaster, sir, " sez he. "I'm a perceshun awaitin here to do honor to our Cheef Magistrate, all alone, sir. Therewuz twenty Johnsonians in this hamlet, sir; but when the commishn camefor me, the other nineteen wuz soured, and sed they didn't care a d----nfor him nor his policy, sir. Where is the President?"

Androo wuz a goin to swing around the cirkle for this one man, and leavethe Constooshn in his hands, but Seward checked him. 

At Fremont we hed a handsome recepshun, for the offises hevn't binchanged there, but Toledo didn't do so well. The crowd didn't cheerAndroo much, but when Farragut was trotted out they gave him a rouser, wich wuz anything but pleasin to the Cheef Magistrate uv this nashen, who bleeves in bein respected. 

Finally we reeched Detroit. This bein a Democratic city, the Presidentwuz hisself agin. His speech here wuz wun uv rare merit. He gatheredtogether in one quiver all the sparklin arrows he had used fromWashington to this point, and shot em one by one. He swung around thecirkle; he didn't come to make a speech; he hed bin Alderman uv hisnative town; he mite hev been Dicktater, but woodent; and ended with apoetickal cotashun wich I coodent ketch, but wich, ez neer ez I coodunderstand, wuz, --

 "Kum wun, kum all; this rock shel fly From its firm base--in a pig's eye. "

Here we repose for the nite. To-morrow we start onward, and shelcontinue swingin around the cirkle till we reach Chicago. 

 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P. M. (wich is Postmaster), and likewise Chaplin to the expedishn. 

XXXI. 

The Presidential Tour Continued. --From Detroit to Indianapolis. 

 POST OFFIS, CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), September 11, 1866. 

I am at home, and glad am I that I am at home. Here in Kentucky, surrounded by Dimicrats, immersed a part of the time in my offisheldooties, and the balance uv the time in whiskey, with the privilege uvwallopin niggers, and the more inestimable and soothing privilege uvassistin in mobbin uv Northern Ablishnists, who are not yet all out uvthe State, time passes pleasantly, and leaves no vain regrets. I alluzgo to bed nites, feeling that the day hez not bin wasted. 

From Detroit the Presidential cavalcade, or ez the infamous JacobinRadical party irrevelently term it, the menajery, proceeded to Chicago. The recepshuns his Imperial Highniss received through Michigan wereflatterin in the extreme. I continue my diary:

IPSLANTY. --At this pint the President displayed that originality andfertility uv imaginashun karacteristic uv him. The recepshun wuz grand. The masses called for Grant, and His Highness promptly responded. Heasked em, ef he was Judis Iskariot who wuz the Saviour? Thad Stevens? Ifso, then after swingin around the cirkle, and findin traitors at bothends of the line, I leeve the 36 States with 36 stars onto em in yoorhands, and--

The train wuz off amid loud shouts uv "Grant! Grant!" to wich thePresident responded by wavin his hat. 

ANN ARBOR. --At this pint the train moved in to the inspiring sounds uv aband playin "Hale to the Cheef, " and vocifrous cries uv "Grant! Grant!"His Majesty smilinly appeared and thanked em for the demonstration. Itwas soothin, he remarked. The air their band wuz playin, "Hail to theChief, " wuz appropit, ez he wuz Chief Magistrate uv the nashen, to wichposishen he hed reached, hevin bin Alderman uv his native village, U. S. Senator, etsettry. The crowd hollered "Grant! Grant!" and the Presidentthanked em for the demonstration. It showed him that the people wuz withhim in his efforts to close his eyes on a Union uv 36 States and a flaguv 36 stars onto it. Ef I am a traitor, sed he, warmin up, who is theJudis Iscariot? Ez I'm swingin around the cirkle, I find Thad Stevens onthe one side and Jeff' Davis on the--

The conductor cruelly startid the train, without givin him time tofinish. 

The crowd proposed three cheers for Grant, and the President waved hishat to em, sayin that he thanked em, showing as it did that the peoplewuz with him. 

BATTLE CREEK. --A large number was assembled here, who, ez the trainstopped, yelled "Grant! Grant!" Affected to tears by the warmth uv thereception, the President thanked em for this mark of confidence. Ef heever hed any doubts ez to the people's being with him, these doubts wuzremoved. He wood leave in their hands the flag and the Union uv 36States, and the stars thereto appertaining. Ef he wuz a Joodis Iskariotwho wuz--

The crowd gave three hearty cheers for Grant ez the train moved off, towich the President responded by wavin his hat. 

KALAMAZOO. --The offishels were on hand at this pint, and so wuz thepeople--4 offishels and several thousand people, which the lattergreeted us with cheers for Grant! Grant! The President responded, sayin, that in swingin around the cirkle, he hed bin called Joodis Iskariot forsacrificin uv hisself for the people! Who wuz the Saviour? Wuz ThadStevens? No! Then cleerly into yoor hands I leave the Constitution uv 36stars with 36 States onto em, intact and undissevered. 

The offishels received the stars and States, and amid cheers for Grant, for which the President thanked em, the train glode off magestically. 

And so on to Chicago, where we didn't get off our speech, though fromthe manner in wich the people hollered Grant! Grant! we felt cheered atrealizin how much they wuz with us. His eminence wanted to sling the 36States and the flag with the stars at em, but ez General Logan wuzthere, ready to fling em back, it wuz deemed highly prudent not to doit. 

Here my trials commenst. At the Biddle House, in Detroit, the niggerwaiters showed how much a African kin be spiled by bein free. _They hedthe impudence to refoose to wait on us_, and for a half hour theimperial stumick wuz forced to fast. This alarmin manifestation uv negromalignancy alarmed His Eggsalency. "Thank God!" sed he, "that I vetoedthe Freedmen's Buroo Bill. I hev bin Alderman uv my native town--I hevswung around the entire cirkle, but this I never dreemed uv. What wouldthey do if they hed their rites?" The insident made an impression ontohim, and at Chicago he resolved to trust em no longer. He ordered hismeals to his room, and sent for me. "My friend, " sed he, "tasteevrything onto this table. "

"Why? my liege, " sed I. 

"Niggers is cooks, " sed he, "and this food may be pizoned. They hate me, for I ain't in the Moses bizness. Taste, my friend. "

"But spozn, " sed I, "that it _shood_ be pizoned? Wat uv _my_ bowels? Mystomick is uv ez much valyoo to me ez yourn is to yoo. "

"Nasby, " sez he, "taste! Ef yoo die, who mourns? Ef I die, who'd swingaround the cirkle? Who'd sling the flag and the 36 stars at the people, and who'd leave the Constooshn in their hands? The country demands thesacrifice; and besides, ef yoo don't, off goes yoor offishl head. "

That last appele fetched me. Ruther than risk that offis I'd chawstriknine, for uv what akkount is a Dimokrat, who hez wunst tasted thesweets uv place, and is ousted? And from Chicago on I wuz forced totaste his food and likker--to act ez a sort uv a litenin-rod to shed offthe vengeance uv the nigger waiters. I wood taste uv every dish anddrink from each bottle, and ef I didn't swell up and bust in 15 minitsHis serene Highness wood take hold. I suffered several deaths. I resoommy diary:

JOLIET. --The crowd wuz immense. The peasantry, ez the train approached, rent the air with shouts uv "Grant!" "Grant!" His Potency, thePresident, promptly acknowledged the compliment. He was sacrificinhisself for them--who hed made greater sacrifices? He hed bin Aldermanuv his native town, and Vice-President; he wuz too modest to make aspeech; but ef he wuz Joodas Iskariot, who wuz the Saviour? He hed swungaround the cirkle, and hedn't found none so far. He left in their handsthe--

And so on, until near St. Louis, when we penetrated a Democraticcountry, uv wich I informed his Majesty. "How knowest thou?" sez he. "Easy, " sez I. "I observe in the crowds a large proportion uv red noses, and hats with the tops off. I notice the houses unpainted, with pig pensin front ov em; and what is more, I observe that crowds compliment yoodirect, instead of doin it, ez heretofore, over Grant's shoulders. TheKnights uv the Golden Cirkle, wich I spect is the identical cirkleyoo've bin swingin around lately, love yoo and approach yooconfidently. "

The President brisked up, and from this to Indianapolis he spoke with aflooidity I never observed in him before. I may say, to yoose a medikleterm, that he had a hemorrhage uv words. At the latter city ourreception was the most flatrin uv eny we have experienced. The people, when the President appeared on the balcony uv the Bates House, yelled sovociferously for Grant, that the President, when he stepped forward toacknowledge the compliment, coodent be heard at all. He waved his hat;and the more he waved it the more complimentary the crowd became. "Grant!" "Grant!" they yelled; and the more the President showed himselfthe more they yelled Grant, until, overpowered by the warmth uv therecepshun, and unwillin to expose his health, the President retiredwithout slingin a speech at em, but entirely satisfied that the peoplewuz with him. 

The next mornin the office-holders uv the State, without the people, assembled, and he made his regler speech to em, wich appeared to begratifyin to both him and them. The President does not like to sleepwith a undelivered speech on his mental stumick. It gives him thenitemare. 

Here I left the party, for a short time, that I mite go home and attendto my official dooties. There is five Northern families near the Cornerswich must hev notice to leave, and eight niggers to hang. I hed ordersto report to the party somewhere between Looisville and Harrisburgh, wich I shall do, ez, travelin by order, I get mileage and sich. 

 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P. M. (wich is Postmaster), and likewise Chaplin to the expedishn. 

XXXII. 

The End of the Presidential Tour. --From Louisville to Washington. 

 WHITE HOUSE, WASHINGTON, D. C. , September, 12, '66. 

I rejined the Presidenshel party at Looisville, and glad I am that I didit at that pint. His Imperial Serenity hed bin pleased ever sence heleft Chicago, or rather sence he got near St. Loois, for two-thirds uvIllinois wuz pizen, and Indianapolis wuz pizener. From St. Loois therecepshuns wuz trooly corjel and even enthoosiastic. We got out uv theregion uv aristocrats, and hed come down to the hard-fisted yomanry. Iseed holes thro the hats uv men; I seed wat mite be called the flag uvDemocrisy wavin from behind em, which, ez they genrally either had nocoats at all, or if any, they were roundabouts, wuz alluz in view. I sawwimen who disdained stockins and dipped snuff, and I felt to home. I wuzamong Democracy. The cheerin for Grant and Farragut closed ez we gotinto them regions, and uv the vociferous crowds half uv em, the youngerones, cheered Andrew Johnson, while the old veterans, them whose noseswuz blossomin for the tomb, cheered for Andrew Jackson. His Serenitysmilinly acknowledged both, by makin a speech to em, and wavin his hat. 

With these preliminary remarks I resoom my diary:--

LOUISVILLE. --There wuz a magnificent demonstration here. His ImperialMajesty, who wuz in a eggslent condition to make crowds large enough, remarked to me as we wuz ridin through the streets: "'Splen 'splay!'Mor'n ten 'unerd sousand people--mor'n ten million people--mor'n ten'unerd million people--mor'n ten 'unerd sousand million people--andalluvum 'sporters my policy. 'Rah for me!"

His Majesty ondoubtedly eggsagerated towards the last; but it is safe toput the throng down at a good many. That estimate is entirely safe. There wuz the finest display uv banners and sich I hev seen since westartid. The red white and red wuz displayed from almost half thehouses, ladies waved their handkerchiefs ez we passed, and men cheered. A pleasin incident occurd here. I noticed one gushin maiden uvthirty-seven wavin her handkercher ez tho she was gettin so much perwave, and had rent to pay that nite. I recognized her to wunst. When Iwuz a citizen uv Ohio, and wuz drafted into the service uv the UnitedStates, and clothed in a bob-tailed blue coat, and hed a Oystran muskitput into my unwillin hands, and forced to fite agin my brethren, ourregiment passed thro Looisville and stayed there some days. I wuz walkinone afternoon, when I met this identical angel. She saw my bloo kote, and enraged, spit in my face with sich energy that she threw out uv hermouth a full sett uv false teeth. I returned em gallantly, wiped my facewith my handkercher, and vowed that handkercher shood henceforth be keptsacred. It wuz; and when I seed her wavin hern at our party, I wept likea Philadelphia Convenshen. I stopped the carriage, met the patrioticfemale, called her attention to the incident, and handed her myhandkercher which hed, four years before, wiped her spittle. Theincident gave new vigor to her arms, and from that time she waved twohandkerchers, and mine wuz one uv em. I narrated the insident to thePresident, and he wept. 

There wuz a large perceshen and a great variety of banners. Among themost noticeable, wuz a company uv solgers uv the late war, each with aleg off, dressed in the gray uniforms into wich they hed been musteredout, with this motto: "We are willin to go the other leg for A. Jonson. "Another company uv solgers, who hed each lost an arm, carried thisinscription: "What we didn't get by bullets, we shel get by ballots. "

The President cut down his speech jest one half here. In swingin aroundthe cirkle he omitted to menshen that he found traitors on the Southernside uv it. But he left the constooshn in their hands cheerfully. 

CINCINNATI. --A very enthoosiastic recepshen--continyood and loud cheersfor Grant, wich the President acknowledged. A unsophisticatedPostmaster, who jined us here, wanted to know why the people cheered forGrant instid uv the President, to which His Highness answered that theywuz considrit--they knew his modesty, and wanted to spare his blushes. Another man, who wuz also unsophisticated, asked him, confidenshelly, efhe didn't think there wuz a samenis in his speeches, and that ef hedidn't think he'd do better to give a greater variety. His Eggslencyasked him how there _cood_ be more variety. "At Cincinnati, " sed he, "Iobserved the followin order:--

1. I swung around the cirkle. 

2. I asked who wuz the Saviour ef I wuz Joodis Iskariot?

3. I left the Constitooshn, the 36 States, and the flag with 36 starsonto it, in their hands. 

Now, at Columbus, I shel vary it thusly:

1. The Constitooshn, flag, and stars. 

2. The Joodis Iskariot biznis. 

3. Swingin around the cirkle. 

At Stoobenville, agin, ez follows:

1. Joodis Iskariot. 

2. Swingin around the cirkle. 

3. Constitooshn, flag, and stars. 

And so on. It's susceptible uv many changes. I thot uv that when I writthat speech, and divided it up into sections on purpose. "

JOHNSTOWN, PA. --A bridge fell down, onto wich wuz 400 voters, killin adozen uv em. His Eggslency felt releeved when heerin uv the axident, atbein asshoored that there wuzn't wun uv his supporters on the bridge. Heconsidered it a speshl Providence. The condukter overheerd the remark, and answered, that ef any uv his supporters wuz killed in that seckshunthey'd have to import wun for the purpose. 

MIFFLIN, PA. --A enthoosiastic indivijjle who wants the Post Office atthis place very much, fell on the President's neck, and wept, hailin himez the "Preserver uv the Union. " The President thanked him for thisspontaneous triboot, and left in his hands the Constitooshun, the flag, and the appintment he desired. 

BALTIMORE. --There wuz a spontaneous recepshun here, wich wuz gratifyingto us. The perceshun wuz immense, and the mottoes expressive. Onedivision wuz headed by the identikle indivijooel who fired the firstshot at the Massachusetts men in 1861. He is a ardent supporter uvPresident Johnson's policy. One flag wuz capchered from a Injeanyregiment at the first Bull Run, at wich the President wept. "Things isbecomin normal, " sed he, "when the people will stand that. Watlove!--wat unity! The flags uv both secshuns, wich was lately borne byfoes, now minglin in the same proceshun, and all uv em cheerin ME. "

At last we arrived at Washinton, hevin swung entirely round the cirkle, and found traitors North and South. The demonstrashen to greet thePresident on his arrival was immense. The clerks in all the departmentswuz out (at least them ez wuzn't will wish they hed bin, ez their nameswuz all taken), the solgers on duty wuz ordered out, and altogether itwuz the most spontaneous exhibition I ever witnest. The Mayor made aspeech. The President asked if he was Joodis Iscariot who wuz theSaviour--told him he had swung around the entire cirkle, and hed foundtraitors on all sides uv it, though sence he left Cleveland, Chicago, and Indianapolis he wuz satisfied there wuz the heft uv them in theNorth; but be this ez it may, he left the Constooshn, and the 36 States, and the flag with 36 stars onto it, in his hands. He had bin Alderman uvhis native village, and Congressman, and United States Senator, andVice-President, and President, wich latter circumstance he consideredforchinit, but wuz, after all, an Humble Indivij'le. He didn't feel hisoats much, and wood do his dooty agin traitors North, ez well as aginhis misguided friends South. 

And so ended the Presidential excursion. 

 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P. M. (wich is Postmaster), and likewise Chaplin to the expedishn. 

P. S. I forgot to menshun that at Chicago we laid the corner-stone uv amonument to Douglas. The occurence hed entirely slipped my memory. 

 P. V. N. 

XXXIII. 

At Home again. --A detailed Account of Soul-harrowing Outrages inflictedupon the People of Confederate × Roads by a Party of Freedmen, and howthe Insult was wiped out. 

 POST OFFIS, CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), September 16, 1866. 

I found my flock in a terrible state uv depression, at which, when I wuztold the cause, I didn't wonder at. There wuz, back of the Corners onthe side hill, over towards Garrettstown, about three quarters uv a milethis side of Abbott's grocery (we estimate distance here from onegrocery to another), five or six families uv niggers. The males of thissettlement had all been in the Federal army ez soljers, and hed savedtheir pay, and bounty, and sich, and hed bought uv a disgustidConfederate, who proposed to find in Mexico that freedom which wasdenied him here, and who, bein determined to leave the country, didn'tcare who he sold his plantashen to, so ez he got greenbax, three hundredacres, wich they hed divided up, and built cabins onto em, and wuz acultivatin it. There wuz a store-keeper at the Corners who come herefrom Illinoy, and who hed been so greedy uv gain and so graspin ez tobuy their prodoose uv em, and sell em sich supplies ez they needed. These accursed sons and daughters of Ham was a livin there in comfort. The thing was a gittin unendoorable. They come to the Corners dressed inclothes without patches, and white shirts, and hats on; and the femalesin dresses, and hoops under em; in short, these apes hed assoomed somuch uv the style uv people that ef it hadn't bin for their black faces, they wood have passed for folks. 

Our people become indignant, and ez soon ez I returned, I was requestedto call a meetin to consider the matter, which I uv course did. 

The horn wuz tootid, and the entire Corners wuz assembled, eggsceptingthe Illinoy store-keeper, who didn't attend to us much. I stated brieflyand elokently (I hev improved in public speakin sense I heered HisSerene Highness, Androo the I. , all the way from Washinton toLooisville), and asked the brethren to ease their minds. 

Squire Gavitt hed observed the progress uv them niggers with the mostprofoundest alarm. He hed noticed em comin to the Corners, dressedbetter nor his family dressed, and sellin the produx uv their land tothat wretch--

At this point the Illinoy store-keeper come in, and the Squireproceeded. 

--he shood say Mr. Pollock, and he hed made inquiries, and found thatone family hed sold three hundred and seventy-five dollars worth uvtruck, this season, uv which they hed laid out for clothes and books twohundred dollars, leavin em one hundred and seventy-five dollars in cash, which was more money than he hed made sense the accursed Linkin passedthe emancipashen proclamation. And what hed driv the iron into his soulwuz the fact that wun of them niggers wuz _his_ nigger. "The money theyhev, " pursood the Squire, "is MY MONEY; that man worth $1500 is my man;his wife is my woman; her children my children--"

"That's a literal fact!" shouted Joe Bigler, a drunken, returnedConfederate sojer; "they hev yoor nose eggsactly, and they're themeanest yaller brats in the settlement. "

This unhappy remark endid in a slite unpleasantness, wich resultid inthe Squire's bein carried out, minus one ear, and his nose smashed. Joseph remarked that he'd wantid to git at him ever sense he woodn'tlend him a half dollar two months ago. He was now satisfied, and hopedthis little episode woodn't mar the harmony uv the meetin. 

Elder Smathers observed that he hed noticed with pain that them niggersalluz hed money, and wuz alluz dresst well, while we, their sooperiors, hed no money, and nothin to boast uv in the way uv close. He wood say--

Pollock, the Illinoy store-keeper, put in. Ef the Elder wood work ezthem niggers wuz workin, and not loaf over half the time at Bascom'sgrocery, he mite possibly hev a hull soot uv close, and now and then adollar in money. It wuz here, ez it wuz in all strikly Dimekraticcommunities, the grocery keepers absorb all the floatin capital, and--

He wuz not allowed to proceed. Bascom flung a chair at him, and four orfive uv his constitooents fell on him. He wuz carried out for dead. Bascom remarked that he wuz for the utmost freedom uv speech, but in thediscussion uv a grate Constooshnel question, no Illinoy Ablishnist shoodput in his yawp. The patriotic remark wuz cheered, but when Bascom ask'tthe whole meetin out to drink, the applause wuz uproarious. Bascom alluzgets applause; he knows how to move an audience. 

Deekin Pogram sed he'd bore with them niggers till his patience wuz ginout. He endoored it till last Sunday. After service he felt pensive, ruther, and walked out towards Garrettstown, meditatin, as he went, onthe sermon he hed listened to that mornin on the necessity uv the spreadof the Gospil. Mournin in sperit over the condition of the heathen, hedidn't notis where he wuz till he found hisself in the niggersettlement, and in front uv one uv their houses. There he saw a sitewich paralyzed him. There wuz a nigger, wich wuz wunst his nigger, wichLinkin deprived him uv, settin under his porch, and a profanin the HolyBible by teachin his child to read it! "Kin this be endoored?" theDeekin asked. 

Deekin Parkins sed he must bear his unworthy testimony agin thesedisturbers. They hed--he knowd whereof he spoke--hired a female womanfrom Massachusetts to teach their children! He hed bin in theirskool-room, and with his own eyes witnest it. 

Bascom, the grocery keeper, hed bin shocked at their conduct. He wuzconvinct that a nigger wuz a beast. They come to the Corners to sell theprodux of their lands; do they leave their money at his bar? Nary! Theyspend sum uv it at the store uv a disorganizer from Illinoy, who is hereinterferin with the biznis uv troo Southern men, but he hed never seedone uv em inside his door. He hed no pashence with em, and believedsuthin shood be done to rid the community uv sich yooseless inhabitance. Ef they ever git votes they'r agin us. No man who dodges my bar evervotes straight Dimocrisy. 

Ginral Punt moved that this meetin do to wunst proceed to thesettlement, and clean em out. They wuz a reproach to Kentucky. Ofcourse, ez they were heathens and savages, sich goods ez they hed woodfall to the righteous, uv whom we wuz which, and he insisted upon a fairdivide. All he wanted wuz a bureau and a set uv chairs he hed seen. 

The motion wuz amendid to inclood Pollock, the Illinoy store-keeper, andit wuz to wunst acted upon. 

Pollock wuz reconstructed first. Filled with zeal for the right, hisdoor wuz bustid in, and in a jiffy the goods wich he wuz a contaminatinour people with wuz distributed among the people, each takin sich ezsooted em. Wun man sejested that ez they wuz made by Yankees, andbrought south by Yankees, that there wuz contaminashen in the touch uvem, and that they be burned, but he wuz hooted down, our people seein adistinction. The contaminashen wuz in payin for em; gittin emgratooitusly took the cuss off. 

Elated, the crowd started for the settlement. I never saw more zealmanifested. A half hour brought us there, and then a scene ensood wichfilled me with joy onspeekable. The niggers wuz routed out, and theirgoods wuz bundled after em. The Bibles and skool books wuz destroyedfirst, coz we hed no use for them; their chairs, tables, and bureaus, clothin and beddin, wuz distributed. A wooman hed the impudence to begfor suthin she fancied, when the righteous zeal uv my next doorneighbor, Pettus, biled over, and he struck her. Her husband, forgettinhis color, struck Pettus, and the outrage wuz completed. _A nigger hedraised his hand agin a white man!_

The insulted Caucashen blood riz, and in less than a minit the bodies uvsix male Ethiopians wuz a danglin in the air, and the bodies uv sixEthiopian wimin wuz layin prostrate on the earth. The children wuzspared, for they wuz still young, and not hevin bin taught to read sofar that they could not forgit it, ef kept carefully from books, theykin be brought up in their proper speer, ez servance to their brethern. (By the way, the inspired writer must hev yoosed this word "brethern, "in this connection, figeratively. The nigger, bein a beast, cannot beour brother. ) Some may censure us for too much zeal in this matter, butwhat else cood we hev dun? We are high toned, and can't standeverything. These niggers hed no rite to irritate us by their presence. They knowd our feelins on the subjick, and by buyin land and remainin inthe visinity, they kindled the flame wich resulted ez it did. Ez theydid in Memphis and Noo Orleans, they brought their fate onto their ownheads. 

Pollock recovered, and with the Yankee school marm who wuz a teechin theniggers, left for the North yesterday. It speeks well for theforbearance uv our people that they wuz permitted to depart at all. 

 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P. M. (wich is Postmaster), and likewise late Chaplin to the expedishn. 

XXXIV. 

Is requested to act as Chaplain of the Cleveland Convention. --ThatBeautiful City visited for that Purpose. 

 POST OFFIS, CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), September 20, 1866. 

I wuz sent for to come to Washington, from my comfortable quarters atthe Post Offis, to attend the convenshun uv sich soldiers and sailors uvthe United States ez bleeve in a Union uv 36 States, and who hev swornallejinse to a flag with 36 stars onto it, at Cleveland. My esteemed andlife-long friend and co-laborer, Rev. HENRY WARD BEECHER, wuz to hev binthe chaplin uv the convenshun, but he failed us, and it wuz decided in aCabinet meetin that I shood take his place. I didn't see the necessityuv hevin a chaplin at every little convenshun uv our party, and sostated; but Seward remarked, with a groan, that ef ever there wuz aparty, since parties wuz invented, wich needed prayin for, ours wuz thatparty. "And, Parson, " sed he, glancin at a list uv delegates, "ef yoohev any agonizin petitions, any prayers uv extra fervency, offer em upfor these fellers. Ef there is any efficacy in prayer, it's my honest, unbiased opinion that there never wuz in the history uv the world, nornever will be agin, sich a magnificent chance to make it manifest. Tryyoorself particularly on Custer; tho', after all, " continyood he, in amusin, abstracted sort uv a way, wich he's fallen into lately, "thefellow is sich a triflin bein, that he reely kin hardly be held'sponsible for what he's doin; and the balance uv em, good Hevens!they'r mostly druv to it by hunger. " And the Secretary maundered onsuthin about "sixty days" and "ninety days, " paying no more attention tothe rest uv us than ez ef we wuzn't there at all. 

So, receevin transportashen and suffishent money from the secret servicefund for expenses, I departed for Cleveland, and after a tejus tripthro' an Ablishn country, I arrived there. My thots were gloomy beyondexpression. I hed recently gone through this same country ez chaplin tothe Presidential tour, and every stashen hed its pecooliar onpleasantremembrances. Here wuz where the cheers for Grant were vociferous, withnary a snort for His Eggslency; there wuz where the peasantry laft inhis face when he went thro' with the regler ritooal uv presentin theconstitooshn and the flag with 36 stars onto it to a deestrick assessor;there wuz--but why recount my sufferins? Why harrow up the public bosom, or lasserate the public mind? Suffice to say, I endoored it; suffice tosay that I hed strength left to ride up Bank street, in Cleveland, thescen uv the most awful insult the Eggsecutive ever receeved. 

The evenin I arrived, the delegates, sich ez wuz on hand, held ainformal meetin to arrange matters so ez they wood work smooth when thecrowd finally got together. Genral Wool wuz ez gay and frisky ez thoughhe reely belonged to the last ginerashn. There wuz Custar, uv Michigan, with his hair freshly oiled and curled, and busslin about ez though hehed cheated hisself into the beleef that he reely amounted to suthin;and there wuz seventy-eight other men, who hed distinguished theirselvesin the late war, but who hed never got their deserts, ceptin by brevet, owin to the fact that the Administrashn wuz Ablishn, which they wuzn't. They were, in a pekuniary pint uv view, suthin the worse for wear, tho'why that shood hev bin the case I coodent see (they hevin bin, to analarmin extent, quartermasters and commissaries, and in the recrootinservice), til I notist the prevailin color uv their noses, and heerd oneuv em ask his neighbor ef Cleveland wuz blest with a faro bank! Then Iknowd all about it. 

There wuz another pekooliarity about it which for a time amoozed me. Them ez wuz present wuz divided into 2 classes--those ez hed binrecently appinted to posishens, and them ez expected to be shortly. Inotist on the countenances uv the first class a look uv releef, sich ezI hev seen in factories Saturday nite, after the hands wuz paid off fora hard week's work; and on the other class the most wolfish, hungry, fierce expression I hev ever witnessed. Likewise, I notist that thelatter set uv patriots talked more hefty uv the necessity uv sustaininthe policy uv our firm and noble President, and damned the Ablishunistswith more emphasis and fervency than the others. 

One enthoosiastic individual, who hed bin quartermaster two years, andhed bin allowed to resign "jest after the battle, mother, " wich, hevinhis papers all destroyed, made settlin with the government a easymatter, wuz so feroshus that I felt called upon to check him. "Gently, my frend, " sed I, "gently! I hev bin thro' this thing; I hev mycommission. It broke out on me jest ez it hez on yoo; but yoo won't gityoor Assessorship a minit sooner for it. "

"It ain't a Assessorship I want, " sez he. "I hev devoted myself to thetask uv bindin up the wounds uv my beloved country--"

"Did you stop anybody very much from inflictin them sed wounds?"murmured I. 

"An ef I accept the Post Orfis in my native village, --which I hev binsolissited so strongly to take that I hev finally yielded, --I do it onlythat I may devote my few remainin energies wholly to the great cause uvrestorin the 36 States to their normal posishens under the flag with 36stars onto it, in spite uv the Joodis Iskariots wich, ef I am whom, watis the Saviour, and--and where is--"

Perseevin that the unfortunate man hed got into the middle uv aquotashen from the speech uv our noble and patriotic President, andknowin his intellek wuzn't hefty enough to git it off jist as it wuzoriginally delivered, I took him by the throat, and shet off the flooduv his elokence. 

"Be quiet, yoo idiot!" remarked I, soothingly, to him. "Yoo'll git yourapintment, becoz, for the fust time in the history uv this or any otherRepublic, there's a market for jist sich men ez yoo; but all thisblather won't fetch it a minit sooner. "

"Good Lord!" tho't I, ez I turned away, "wat a President A. J. Is, to hevto buy up _sich_ cattle! Wat a postmaster he must be, whose gineralcussedness turns _my_ stummick!"

It wuz deemed necessary to see uv wat we wuz compozed; whereupon KernelK----, who is now Collector uv Revenue in Illinoy, asked ef there wuzary man in the room who hed bin a prizner doorin the late fratricidlestruggle. A gentleman uv, perhaps, thirty aroze, and sed he wuz. He hedbin taken three times, and wuz, altogether, 18 months in doorance vilein three diffrent prizns. 

Custar fell on his neck, and asked him, aggitatidly, ef he wuzshoor--quite shoor, after sufferin all that, that he supported thepolicy of the President? Are you quite shoor--quite shoor?

"I am, " returned the phenomenon. "I stand by Andrew Johnson and hispolicy, and I don't want no office!!"

"Hev yoo got wun?" shouted they all in korus. 

"Nary!" sed he. "With me it is a matter uv principle!"

"Wat prizns wuz yoo incarcerated in?" asked I, lookin at him withwonder. 

"Fust at Camp Morton, then at Camp Douglas, and finally at Johnson'sIsland!"

Custar dropt him, and the rest remarked that, while they hed a veryhelthy opinion uv him, they guessed he'd better not menshen hispresence, or consider hisself a delegate. Ez ginerous foes they lovedhim ruther better than a brother; yet, as the call didn't quite incloodhim, tho' there wuz a delightful oneness between em, yet, ef 'twuz allthe same, he hed better not announce hisself. He wuz from Kentucky, Iafterwards ascertained. 

The next mornin, suthin over two hundred more arriv; and the delegashensbein all in, it wuz decided to go on with the show. A big tent hed binbrought on from Boston to accommodate the expected crowd, and quite ananimated discussion arose ez to wich corner uv it the Convenshun wuz toockepy. This settled, the biznis wuz begun. Genral WOOL wuz madetemporary Chairman, to wich honor he responded in a elokentextemporaneous speech, which he read from manuscript. General EWING madeanother extemporaneous address, which he read from manuscript, and weadjourned for dinner. 

[Illustration: THE CLEVELAND CONVENTION. ]

The dinner hour was spent in caucussin privately in one uv the parlorsuv the hotel. The Chairman asked who shood make speeches after dinner, wen every man uv em pulled from his right side coat pocket a roll uvmanuscript, and sed he hed dotted down a few ijees wich he hedconclooded to present extemporaneously to the Convenshun. That Babelover, the Chairman sed he presoomed some one shood be selected toprepare a address; whereupon every delegate rose, and pulled a roll uvmanuscript from his left side coat pocket, and sed he hed dotted down afew ijees on the situashn, wich he proposed to present, et settry. Thisoccasioned another shindy; wen the Chairman remarked "Resolushens, " wenevery delegate rose, pulled a roll uv manuscript from his right breastcoat pocket, and sed he hed jotted down a few ijees, wich, &c. 

I stood it until some one mentioned me ez Chaplin to the expeditionWest, when the pressure becum unendurable. They sposed I was keeper uvthe President's conscience, and I hed not a minit's peece after that. Invain I ashoored em that, there bein no consciences about the WhiteHouse, no one could hold sich a offis; in vain I ashoored em that I hedno influence with His Majesty. Two thirds uv em pulled applicashens forplaces they wanted from the left breast coat pocket, and insistid on mytakin em, and seem that they was appinted. I told em that I cood donuthin for em; but they laft me to skorn. "You are jist the style uvman, " said they, "who hez inflooence with His Eggslency, and yoo must doit. " Hemmed in, there wuz but one way uv escape, and that way I took. Seezin a carpet sack, wich, by the way, belonged to a delegate (I tookit to give myself the look of a traveler), I rushed to the depot, andstartid home, entirely satisfied that ef Cleveland may be taken as asample, the less His Majesty depends on soljers, the better. 

 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P. M. (wich is Postmaster), and likewise late Chaplin to the expedishn. 

P. S. I opened the carpet sack on the train, spectin to find a cleanshirt in it, at least. It contained, to my disgust, an address to beread before the Cleveland Convention, a set uv resolutions, a speech, and a petition uv the proprietor thereof for a collectorship, signed byeight hundred names, and a copy uv the Indiana State Directory for 1864. The names wuz in one hand-writin, and wuz arranged alphabetically. 

XXXV. 

An Appeal to the People just before the October Elections. 

 POST OFFIS, CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), October 1, 1866. 

President Johnson, who hez bin likened to Androo Jaxon, and wich, sincemy appintment I conseed him to be, in many partikelers, his sooperior, requested me and William H. Seward (his secretary and chaplin) to drawup and publish to the Democracy of the various States holdin elecshunsthis fall an address, or ruther an appeal, firmly beleevin that hed heextendid his tour to Maine, and isshood an address to em, that thatstate wood not hev gone ez it did. William refoozed to take part in theappeal, sayin that it warnt uv no use, and so the dooty devolved uponme. 

DEMOCRATS AND CONSERVATIVES UV THE NORTH:

Appresheatin the gravity uv the isshoo, I address yoo. The signs uv thetimes is ominus. A Radikle Congress, electid durin the time when theSouthin States, wich comprises reely all the intellek uv this people, didn't take no part in the elekshen, bein too bizzy gettin out uvSherman's way to open polls, --a Congress, I repeat, in wich there ain'tno Southern man, and wich consekently kant, by any stretch uv the hoomanimaginashen, be considered Constitooshnel, hez dared to thwart thePresident uv the United States, and set up its will agin hisn! I needskarcely recount its high-handed acts uv usurpashen. It passed a billgivin rites to niggers, wich, accordin to Scripter (see Onesimus, Ham, and Hagar, the only three texts in Scripter uv any partikeler account)and the yoosages uv the Democrisy, ain't got no rites; and thePresident, exercisin the high prerogatives put into his hands by theConstitooshen, vetoed it. Here the matter should hev endid. He hedexpressed, in a manner strikly Constitooshenel, his objecshens to themeasure; and a proper regard for his feelins, and just deference for hisopinions, ought to hev indicated the right course. Here wuz peaceoffered this Congres. Here wuz the tender uv a olive branch. ThePresident didn't want a quarrel with Congres; he didn't desire acontinyooance uv the agitation wich hed shook the country like aIllinois ager; but he desired Peece. Congres cood hev hed it hed theyonly withdrawed their crood noshens uv what wus rite and what wuz wrong;ratified, ez they shood hev done, sich laws ez the President saw fit tomake: in short, hed they follered the correct rool when we hev aDemokratic President, and put the Government in his hands, with anabidin trust in his rectitood and wisdom, we mite hev avoided thisstruggle, and thus wood hev bin peaceful. But this reckless Congris, bent upon consentrating power in its hands instid uv dividin it betweenhim and Seward, passed the bill over his head, regardlis uv his feelins!The responsibility for the dissension rests, therefore, with Congres. 

But these questions are altogether too hefty for the Demokraticintellek, and I fling em out for the considerashen uv the few PostMasters we get from the Union ranks. To the Dimocrisy I Address myselfmore partickerlerly. 

DO YOU WANT TO MARRY A NIGGER? This ishoo is agin before yoo. Are you infavor uv elevatin the Afrikin to a posishen where he kin be yoor ekal, or perhaps yoor sooperior? That ishoo is agin before yoo for yoordecision, only the danger to yoo is increased. The matter has becomethreatening; for, disgise it ez we may, thousands uv em kin read, andthey are akkumulatin property, and wearin good clothes to a extenttrooly alarmin to the Dimokratic mind. We hev alluz consoled ourselveswith the soothin reflection that there wuz a race lower down in thescale uv humanity than us uns. Shall we continue to enjoy that comfort?That's the question for every Dimokrat to consider when he votes thisfall. Remove the weight uv legal disability, and ten to one ef theydon't outstrip us even, and then where are we goin to look for a race tolook down upon? It's a close thing atween us now; and ez we uv thisgeneration can't elevate ourselves, why, for our own peece uv mind, wemust, --I repeet it, --MUST pull them down. 

Agin then I repeet, DO YOU WANT TO MARRY A NIGGER? Yoor daughters wunstcarried banners onto wich wuz inskribed that trooly Dimokratic motto, "White husbands or none!" and in consequence they've bin mostly livin inthe enjoyment uv none. Are they to go back on that holy determinashen topreserve the Anglo Sackson race on this continent in its purity? Do yoowant the nigger--the big buck nigger--the flat-footed nigger--thewoolly-headed nigger--the long-heeled nigger--the bow-legged nigger--theNIGGER--to step up aside uv yoo, and exercise the prerogatives uvfreemeen in this country? Do you want the nigger aforesed to be mayorsuv your towns, with all the hatred they hev towards us? Wat chance, ODimokratic dweller in cities! think yoo yoo'd hev if hauled up afore anigger mayor on a charge uv disorderly conduct? Wat chance wood yoorchildren hev in a skool uv wich all the teechers wuz niggers? Wat chancewood yoo hev wen arrestid for small misdemeanors, afore nigger judges?

How, let me ask, in the name of High Heaven, wood yoo like to be triedfor hoss stealin afore a nigger jury?

"But, " say some uv yoo, who, set ravin by drums, and flags, and sich, went off violently into the war, and wuz, perhaps, saved from starvin byniggers, "these niggers wuz our friends in the late war--they foughtagin the South!"

O, wat a deloosion! O, wat blindnis! Troo, they did; and that shows thedanger that's afore us; that lifts the fog from the precipise onto wichwe are standin, and shows us our danger. Wat does this fact prove? Itproves the onreasonableness uv the Nigger--his discontentednis with theposishen to wich nacher assigned him, and his cussid disposition toupset the normal condition. The Bible makes him a servant unto hisbrethren (see Ham, Hagar, and Onesimus, three blessed texts). Scienceproves him to be, not a man, but a beast; and so, take him ez we may, either ez our brother or ez a beast, --and Dimocrisy, with thatliberality wich hez always distinguished it, gives every man his choicewich theory to take, --his condition is servitood. But he, with acussidness, a perversity wich I never cood understand, flies into theface uv the Divine decree, flies into the face uv science, and assertshis independence! He turned agin them ez hed fostered him; turned agin, in many instances, his own parents (in these instances, for convenience, the parents adopted the brethren theory), and for an abstract ideafought agin em. That restlessness under bonds alarmed the Dimocraticmind. We who owned em under the Skripter (see Onesimus, Hagar, and Ham), and under the eternal laws uv scientific trooth wuz content with thearrangement, and why shood they not hev bin? Things wuz normal. Theyworked, and we eat; and ef they hed bin content with this ekitabledivision uv the labor uv life, all wood hev bin smooth to-day. 

Their takin part agin us at the South, and in favor uv the Federals, is, instead uv a coz uv feelin good toward em, a source uv oneasiness;instid uv bein a reason for elevatin uv em, it's my principal reason fordepressin uv em. Sich onsettled minds shood be quieted; this itchin toraise theirselves shood be crushed out uv em, that Science and Holy Writ(see Onesimus, Hagar, and Ham) may be vindicated. 

Shel we desert Androo Johnson, after all the trouble he hez bin to ingettin back to us? Shel we elect a Congres this fall so soaked inAblishin--so filled with objeckshuns to our Southern brethren, ez torefooze to receive em back into the seats which they vacated? Consider!The Southern Dimokracy hevn't, and don't, lay up nothin agin yoo. Theyare willin to forgive and forget. They failed, but they are willin toforgiv the cause uv the failyoor. They hevn't got the government theywanted, but they find no fault with that, but are willin to take chargeof the wun they hev bin compelled to live under. Kin they offer fairer?The fate uv war wuz agin em. Buryin all hard feelins, they extend to usChrischen charity, and say, Here we are--take us--give us our oldplaces. They hev bin chastened. Their household gods hev bin destroyed, and their temples torn down. Wun neighbor uv mine lost two sons in theConfedrit army; another son, which he hed refoosed $1500 for in 1860, hewuz compelled to shoot, coz he wuz bound to run away into the Federalarmy; and two octoroons, which he hed a dozen times refoosed $2500 for, each, in Noo Orleans, he saw layin dead on the steps uv a skool house inMemphis. Hez he suffered nothin? And yet he is willin to take a seat inCongress--forgettin all he hez suffered, and forgivin the cause thereof. What wickedness it is wich would further bruise sich a broken reed!

Therefore, ez yoo love yourselves and hate the nigger, I implore yoo toact. Take yoor choice uv the platforms uv the different States--vote eza Johnson Unionist, or ez a Democratic Johnsonian--but vote. 

Kentucky holds out her hands appealingly! Kentucky implores yoo to bildup a bulwark North uv the Ohio River to save what little is left uv pureDimocracy there! Kentucky will back yoo in yoor endeavors. Will you heedher cry? Shel she appeel in vain? Forbid it, Hevin!

 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P. M. (wich is Postmaster). 

XXXVI. 

The October Elections. --The Effect the Result produced in Kentucky. 

[Illustration: AFTER THE FALL ELECTION. ]

 CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), October 14, 1866. 

There is mournin in Kentucky. The results of the elections in Ohio, Injeany, Pennsylvany, and Iowa reached me yesterday through a Looisvillepaper, wich wuz dropped off the cars at Secessionville, wich is thenearest station to us, and wich, I hapnin to be there, I picked up. 

Ohio--40, 000 Ablishin!

Injeany--20, 000 Ablishin!

Pennsylvany--20, 000 Ablishin!

Iowa--30, 000 Ablishin!

ABLISHIN! Wat a dreery waste uv Ablishin! Not a single oasis uvDimocrisy anywhere, --nary Aryrat on wich our ark kin rest insafety, --but all around us the mad waves uv Ablishnism rearin theircrestid heads muchly. 

I felt it my dooty to make this fact known to my neighbors; for, sposinthat His Serene Highness' trip wood secure us enuff deestricts to makethe next Congress safe, and consekently make us certin uv admission, they hed been makin arrangements for restorin things to their normalcondishun, ez they were before the war. 

In fact, two weeks before, in view of the expected success uv theDemocracy, a meetin hed bin held on the subject. Some wuz for at onceseezin the niggers wherever they cood be found, and puttin em at work;but the conservatives overruled this. They held that slavery hed binabolished, and that it ought not be restored; in fact, that, to act ingood faith, it cood not be reëstablished. Deekin Pogram announced aplan. The town authorities shood pass a ordinance for the propergovernment uv the niggers. Their good and ourn demanded it. Forinstance, they shood not be permitted to be out after 7 o'clock, P. M. , in the evenin; they shoodent leave the plantashen onto wich they wuzemployed; they shood work every day till 7; and to do away with thepernicious work uv the Freedmen's Bureau, no man and wife wich hed binmarried by a chaplin uv the Bureau, or by any one else, shood beemployed on the same plantashen, and also no father or mother and child. Sich ez violated these ordinances shood be arrested by anybody, andfined; and in default uv payment uv the fine and costs, shood be sold tothe person who wood take his or her labor for the shortest number uvyears, and pay the fine and costs aforesed. "Ez a conservative, " sed theDeekin, "I sejest this plan. "

"Do yoo want to know my definition uv the word 'conservative?'" sed JoeBigler, a returned Confederate soljer, who, I bleeve, hez seen enough uvwar. "It's a man who goes a roundabout way to do a devlish mean thing. Deekin, why can't yoo go to the devil by a straight road, ez I do?"

The interupshen uv the demoralized wretch wuzn't notist; and ez thetrustees uv the township wuz all present, the ordinance wuz passed, andthat night two thirds uv the niggers within five miles uv the Cornerswuz arrested and sold, and within two weeks every one hed bin capcherd. 

I hied me to the Corners, and the first man I saw wuz Bascom, thegrocery keeper, engaged in the congenial biznis uv tappin a barrel uvcontentment, wich he hed just receeved. I wuz a goin to tell him thedread intelligence, when he caught site uv me. "Taste that, Parson, " sedhe, holdin out a tin dipper full. I drank it off, and one look at himonmand me. "Kin I o'ercloud that smilin cheek?" thot I, ez, in a fit uvabsent-mindednis, --wich I hev every now and then, --I held out the emptydipper to be filled agin, wich it wuz. "No! for a time he shel bespared;" and I borrered his mule, and rode away pensively. 

I wuz goin fust to Deekin Pogram's, for he wuz the most interested uveny in the settlement. After the meetin mentioned above, the Deekin hedcaused the arrest uv sich niggers ez he cood ketch, and had had em finedin sums uv $275 and uppards, wich bein unable, ez a rool, to pay thefine, he hed kindly bid em in. 

He hed picked up, here and there, all uv his old servants, ceptin thosewich hed bin killed in the army, and the few misguided ones wich hedmade their way North, and that mornin the plantashen wuz to bereconstructed upon the old patriarkle system. Mrs. Deekin Pogram wuzmarshellin four uv the likeliest wenches I ever saw in the kitchen; hisson Tom wuz chuckin a yaller girl under the chin, wich hed bin born onthe place about eighteen years before, and wich, owin to a unfortunateresemblance to the Deekin, bed caused a onpleasantnis between him andhis wife, wich endid in the loss uv the most uv his hair, and the sellinuv the girl's mother to Noo Orleans. The two girls hed each theirwaitin-maids, and wuz a puttin them through their paces. There hed binsome trouble in gittin em reconstructed, it bein deemed nessary to takethe conseet out uv em, wich they wuz all a doin. Ez I rode up, the oldlady bed jest knocked one uv em down with a fire-shovel, and wuz dancina Highland fling onto her prostrate body. Almira, the oldest gal, hedher fingers in the wool uv her gal; and tother one wuz a thumpin hern toredose her to her proper level; and the Deekin hisself wuz a deelin withone ongrateful wretch, who objected to bein put to work on them terms, not realizin that the Bureau was gone. Ez the Deekin hed a revolver heyielded the pint, and submitted to be flogged, wich the Deekin wuz doinez neatly ez I ever saw, considerin he hed bin out uv practis fouryears. He had him tied up to a tree, and wuz a wollopin uv him gorjus. While he wuz a convinsin uv him with his whip that there wuz trooth inthe Skripter, and that Ham wuz reely a servant unto his bretherin, Iexclaimed, "Stop!" and immejitly whispered the appallin news in his leftear (tother one hed bin chawed off in a misunderstandin at Bascom's theprevious Sunday nite, after servis). Never shel I forgit the look uv woeon that eminent Christian's face. The whip fell from his nerveless hand;and with teers streemin down his cheeks, washin up little streaks uvdirt in the most heart-rendin manner, he gasped in a husky voice to thewife uv his buzzum, "Cut him down, Mirandy! The North's gone Ablishin, and the d----d niggers will be free anyhow!" and the old patriarchswooned away at my feet. 

And sich an expression of anguish ez distorted the face uv the Deekin'swife I hope never to see agin. Droppin the shovel, she stood ez onepetrified, with her foot elevated in mid air, ez in the act uv stompin, and uttering a shreek wich methinks I hear ringing in my ears yet, shefell precisely ez she stood, with her leg crooked ez ef 'twuz frozethere. Tom released the gal he wuz subdooin, and mountin his horse rodeoff to the Corners without saying a word; and unable to witness thedistress uv that stricken family, I made haste to mount my mule and goto; while the niggers, feelin that they were wunst more their own menand women, scattered in every direction. 

"Sich is the froots uv Radikelism, " murmured I. "Sich is the bitter cupfanaticism hez put to our lips;" and castin one lingring look at theprostrate forms uv the Deekin, his wife (with her foot insensiblyraised), and their two gushin daughters, I spurred the mule, anddeparted. 

Wood that every Ablishnist in the North hed seen that site, and wuzpossessed uv a sole to appreshate it! Then would they vote differently. 

 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P. M. (wich is Postmaster). 

XXXVII. 

The October Elections. --Mr. Nasby's Opinion on the Cause of the Defeatof the President. 

 CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), October 14, 1866. 

I wuz called in haste to Washington to be present at a Cabinet meetincalled to consider the causes uv the onparalleled loosenin uv theNashnel Union Johnson Dimekratic party in the various States wich heldelections on the 9th uv October last. There wuz Seward, Wells, McCulloch, and Randall present; but we missed Raymond and Beecher, theyhevin, I understand, played off onto us. 

The President wuz gloomy. He hedn't anticipated the defeat. He spectedthat, hevin showd hisself through all the Northern States, ther ought tohev ben enthoosiasm enough evolved to hev carried em without trouble. The fault, he remarked, coodent be with his policy. Ther wuz suthin sogrand, so sublimely simple in it, that it wuz incomprehensible to himwhy the people hedn't at once adopted it. "Why, look at it, " sed he. "Ioffer the people uv the North peace, on the simple condishn uv sayinnothin more about the war, or the mutual trouble which they foundtheirselves into, and rushin into the arms uv their Southern brethren, and takin uv em back jist ez they went out. How, O! how cood they be soblind ez to refoose these olive branches?"

Randall replied that he coodent understand it; but he hed summoned aPostmaster to attend, wich he hed appinted on his solemn asshoorancethat he cood carry enough Republicans over to our new party to defeatthe Union member in that District, wich he notist by the papers wuzelected by a larger majority than he hed ever reseeved, and he wuz inwaitin. 

"Bring in the wretch!" shouted the President; and the guard brung himin. A mizable lookin objick he wuz. Ez soon ez he saw the stern eye uvthe President fixed on him, he sunk to his knees, and lifted up hishands implorinly, without sayin a word. 

"Speak!" sed the President. "Why the result in yoor Deestrict?"

"My liege, " replied the wretched man, "I know not. Faithfully I labored;but the people wood come into the house holdin their noses, and set aholdin uv em so long ez I wuz speekin, wich wuzn't conducive to displaysof oratory. The papers wood publish my own utterances six months before, wich confused me somewhat; and the ablishnists would read at me yoorspeeches, wich I coodent akkount for. I seekoored for yoo suthin like adozen votes; but they wuz them ez stipulated for places under me, and Ihed hard work to git em from the Union party, and they wuz sich ez didus more harm than good. And besides--"

"Enuff!" sed Johnson, "Remove him. "

And the poor fellow wuz bundled out. 

Secretary Welles knowd wat wuz the matter. It come uv takin Grant andFarrygut along on the excursion. It distracted the attention uv thepeople. Hed there bin nobody but the President and the Cabinet along, there woodent hev bin nobody to hurrah for, and the sublime trooths, wieh the President kin only jerk, wood hev impressed the people morethan they did. 

Seward wuz confident that the election wood hev bin all right cood ithev bin postponed ninety days; while McCullock attribooted it to thelimited knowledge the masses hed uv Injeany bankin. 

I wuz rekested to give my views, wich I did. 

"My lords, " sed I, "none uv you hev got the ijee. We wuz beet because weleft the landmarks--that's wat ailed us, wuz the anshent landmarks. Wathed we to go into this canvass with? Democrisy? Not any; for that wuzsquelched at Philadelphia. Wat then? Why, the offises. Offises, in theabstract, is good. That little one which I hold in Kentucky I coodent beindoost to part with on no account; but yoo can't run a party on em, because there ain't enough uv em. 

"My liege, on my return from the Philadelphia Convention I tarried awhile in Berks county, which is in Pennsylvania, and is distinguishedfor the unanimity with which they vote Democracy. My liege, they learneddown there mor'n six weeks ago that the war wuz over, and therefore yoocoodent stir em up on drafts. Taxes they had got used to, and thatdidn't move em; and so the speaker wuz emptyin school-houses by talkinuv the results uv a glorious war, wich they all opposed, and praisin ourmutual friend Seward, wich they had alluz hated as a Ablishnist, andhedn't heerd yet that he had jined the Demokracy. Wuz it any wonder thatwe went under? Ther ain't but one thing left to us, and that westrangely neglected. My liege, why wuz the NIGGER not made the centralfigger this year, ez before? They is the capital uv the Democrisy, itsrefuge, its tower of strength. I spoke in Berks county myself, followingone of them new-fangled Democrats, who hed set em all asleep talkinstuff to em that they didn't understand. Mountin the rostrum, Iejaculated, --

"'MEN AND BRETHREN, DO YOO WANT TO MARRY A NIGGER?'

"'No! no!' they answered, straightenin up towunst. 

"'Do you want niggers for sons-in-law?'

"'No! no!'

"'Do you want laws to prevent you from marryin niggers?'

"'Yes! yes!'

"'Do you want to be marched up to the polls by those who tell you how tovote, beside a nigger?'

"'No! no!'

"'Then vote the Demekratic ticket. ' And they all replied, --

"'We will! we will!' and they did. You see, your Exslency, theDemekratic mind isn't hefty enough to comprehend them fine arguments ezto constitootinality, et setry; and when a speaker deals in em, theysuspect his Dimocrisy, and fight shy uv him. But nigger they kin allunderstand. It's soothin to the Dimekratic mind to be continyooally toldthat there is somebody lower down in the skale. They desire a inferiorrace, and therefore hev bin pullin the nigger down toward em for years. Did yoo not notis whenever we went it on the nigger we succeeded inawakenin an enthoosiasm, wich, when we neglected him, or selected otherissues, we failed to get?

"It's based upon philosophical trooths. The poorer and meaner a man is, the more anxious he is to hev it understood that there's somebody stillpoorer and meaner than him. Hence, you notis, that them individooals whosee a 5 cent peese so seldom ez to not know its nacher, and who keep theflag uv distress wavin from the seat uv their pants, --who, ef niggerswuz sellin at a cent a peese, coodent raise enough to buy the toe nailuv one, --is the most ardent friends of Slavery. 

"That pitiful man wich jest left the presence wuz not to blame for theresult in his Deestrick. He tried to earn his bread; but wat cood he do?The Ablishnists knowd he wuz bought with a price, and laffed at him. TheDemocrisy, sich ez voted, we'd hev got anyhow. Them ez didn't vote, nordo nothin, wuz the upper class, wich expected the offises themselves, and wuz disgusted accordinly. 

"My liege, I hev spoke. Yoo can't do nothin with a new party; for yookin only git the Dimocrisy to jine it, and they won't do it onless theoffises is throwd in. Yoo can't run the Dimocrisy on only one issue, andthat's the nigger; for it's all they kin understand. So long ez thenigger exists, Dimocrisy endoors; when the race becomes extinct, theparty dies. The two is indissolubly bound together; one wuz created fortother, and tother for one. When Noah cust Ham he laid the foundashensuv Dimocrisy. Ham wuz turned into a nigger because Noah got intoxicated. His misfortune originated with wine; and whisky, wich is the modernsubstitoot therefor, bein the motive power uv Dimocrisy, hez binpersekutin him ever sence. I attriboot the decline uv the Dimocrisy tothe bleachin out uv the Afrikin, and that's why I oppose amalgamashen. Yoo can't hate a mulatter only half ez much ez yoo kin a full-blood; andit will be observed that the intensity uv Demokricy has decreasedprecisely in proportion to the scarcity uv pure blacks. Thus Demokrisyis committin suicide; it hez bin the means uv its own destruction. 

"I don't know ez there's eny yoose uv talkin. The Congressmen electedthis fall continyoo in offis, my liege, jist precisely ez long ez yoodo, to a day, and by that time they'll hev it all fixed. Noo York maychange in our favor, but I think not. The break commenst in Maine, andit increased as it progressed. We're gone in. The Ablishnists laughs inglee, and the nigger shows all his ivories. We shel hold our places twoyears, and then farewell to our greatness. 

"I pity yoo, my lord; but I can't help yoo. Ez for myself, I kin saveenuff out uv my Post Offis to start a small grocery at the expiration uvmy term, and then farewell politics. In that pleasant callin I'll flotedown the stream uv Time, until Death closes the polls, and ends thestruggle. I hev sed. "

The Conference ended with this: for they wuz all too much affected tosay anything. Seward murmered suthin about it would be all right insixty days; that there wuz no denyin that the people wuz happy; but noone paid any attention to him. I went home, leavin em all in tears. 

 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P. M. (wich is Postmaster). 

XXXVIII. 

"Will you have Andrew Johnson President or King?"--A Dream, in whichAndrew Johnson figures as a King, surrounded by his Nobles. 

 CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), October 24, 1866. 

Dreams is only vouchsafed to persons uv a imaginative and speritooalnacher, uv whom I am which. Ther aint anything gross or sensual about methat I know uv. Troo I eat pork, but that is to offset the effex uvwhisky, wich, ef twasn't counteracted, wood make me entirely tooetherial for this grovelin world. I eat pork, to restrain my exuberantimaginashun, and enable me to come down to the dry detail uv offish'llife--to fit me for the proper discharge uv my dooties ez a Postmaster. Whiskey lifts me above the posishun--pork brings me back agin. It's fatand greasy, like the pay and perquisites uv the Postmaster--it comesfrom the most nasty, senseless, and unclean uv animals, like ourcommishuns--in short, I recommend all uv Johnson's Postmasters to eatpork. It's ther nateral diet. 

Last nite I partook uv a pound or so too much, and ez a consekence, didn't sleep well. While I wuz eatin (moistnin my lips with Looisvilleconslation the while), I wuz a musin onto Seward's question, whetherthey wood hev Johnson President or King, and while musin I fell in2 thearms uv Morfus. My mind bust loose from the body and sored. Ez I sunk toslumber, the narrow room, wich is at wunst my offis and dormitory, widened and enlarged, the humble chairs become suddenly upholstered ingorgus style, the taller dip become multiplied into thousands uv gorguschandileers, the portraits uv His Highness the President, and the otherDemocrats on the wall, became alive. I comprehended the situation towunst. ANDROO JOHNSON had cut the Gorjan knot with someboddy's sword, and hed carried out his Policy to its nateral concloosion. He was King, and wuz reignin under the title uv ANDROO THE I. , and I wuz (in my dreemuv course) in his kingly halls. 

It wuz, methawt, a reception nite. His High Mightiness wuz a sittin ontoa elevated throne, covered with red velvet, and studded with diamonds, and pearls, and onyxs, and other precious stones--onto his head wuz acrown, and he wuz enveloped into a robe uv black velvet, his nose andthe balance uv his face gleaming out like a flash uv litenin from athunder cloud. Lyin prostrate at the foot uv the throne, doin the offisuv a footstool, wuz Charles Sumner, wunst Senator, wich wuz typikle uvthe complete triumph we hed won over our enemies; while doin othermenial offices about the halls, wuz Wade, Wilson, Fessenden, Sherman, and others who hed opposed the change from a Republic to a Kingdom. Theywuz clothed in a approprit costoom, knee breeches and sich, andpresented a pekoolyerly imposin appearance. 

Carriages containing the nobility began to arrive, and ez they entered, the Grand High Lord Chamberlin uv the Palis, the Markis von Randall, announct em. "Dook de Davis!" was ejackelatid, and Jeffson entered. "Earl von Toombs, " "Sir Joseph E. Johnston, " "Markis de Bouregard, ""Count de Pollard, " and so forth. 

Noticin that the titles I hed heerd wuz mostly tacked to Southern men, Iasked Giddy Welles, who wuz standin by, why it wuz thus, and he sed thatNorthners wuzn't reely fit for it. We wuz, he said, a low, grovlin race, and coodent adapt ourselves to the habits uv nobility. The South wuzshivelrus, and cood do it. They wuz given to tournaments and sich--theyhed got accustomed to cirkus clothes, and cood wear a sword without itsgettin awkwardly between the legs. Northern men, sich ez were faithful, wuz allowed to barsk in the smiles uv royalty, but it wuz in sichpositions ez sooted their capacity. He, for instance, hed charge uv theroyal poultry yard, a position which he bleved he filled to the entiresatisfaction uv his beloved and royal master. He hed now four hens asettin, each on four eggs, and he hoped in the course uv two years, efthere wuz no adverse circumstances, to hev fresh eggs for the royaltable. It wuz a position uv great responsibility, and one wich weighedupon him. Seward wuz privy counsler, Doolittle wuz steward uv thehousehold, and Thurlow Weed wuz Keeper uv the King's revenue, and wuz adoin very well indeed. 

By this time the company assembled. His Highness wuz in a merry mood, and unbendid hisself. Ther wuz a knot uv the nobility gathered in acorner, and after a earnest interview uv a minnit, Count Von Cowanadvanced to the foot uv the throne, and on bendid knee demanded a boon. 

"What, my faithful servitor, dost thou most desire?" sed His Highness. 

"We wood, Your Majesty, hev the prisoners uv state brot into thepresence, that we may make merry over 'em. "

"It shel be done, " sed His Majesty, and forthwith Baron von Steedman, who hed command uv the King's Household Body Guard, wuz sent for them. In a moment they wuz brot in. They wuz a mizable lookin set. Forney andWendell Phillips wuz chained together, Fred Douglass and Anna Dickinson, Dick Yates and Gov. Morton, Ben Butler and Carl Shurz, Kelly and Covode, while Chase wuz tied to Horis Greely, onto whose back wuz a placard, inscribed, "The last uv the Tribunes;" at wich Raymond, who left theRadikels and declared for the empire at precisely the rite time, and wuznow editor of the _Court Journal_, laffed immodritly. Some oneexclaimed, "Bring in Thad Stevens!" at wich His Majesty turned pale, andhis knees smote together. "Don't, don't!" sez he; "he's strength enuffleft to wag his tongue. Keep him away! keep him away!" and he showed ezmuch fear ez men do in delirum tremens when they see snakes. 

Methawt I made inquiries, and found that things wuz workin satisfactory. Gen. Grant wuz in exile, and Gen. Sheridan hed bin decapitatid forrefoosin to acquiesce in the new arrangement. The country hed bindivided into dookdoms and earldoms, and sich, over wich the nobilityrooled with undispooted authority. The principal men uv the North hedbeen capcherd and subdooed, and wuz a fillin menial positions in thepalaces uv the nobility. No Lord or Dook or Earl considered himself wellserved onless he hed a half dozen Northern Congressmen in his house, while the higher grade uv nobility wuzn't content with anythin less thanGuvners. The indebtednis uv the South to the North hed bin adjustid. Adecree hed bin ishood to the effect that Northern merchants who shoodpress a claim agin a Southerner shood be beheaded and his goodsconfistikated. The question uv slavery hed bin settled forever, for theDimekratic ijee uv one class to serve and one class to be served wuzfully establisht. There wuz now three classes uv society, the hereditarynobility, the untitled officials, and the people; the latter, black andwhite, wuz all serfs, and all attached to the soil. Biznis wuz all doneby foreigners, the policy uv the government bein to make the native bornpeople purely agricultural peasantry. The nobility, desirin to make iteasy for em, giv em one sixth uv the produx uv the soil, reservin thebalance for their own uses. 

My dreem didn't continyoo long enuff for me to ascertain whether I wuz anobleman or not, but I am uv the opinion that I wuz, for a servant, handin me a pin to stick into Gen. Butler to make him roar for theamoozement of the company, addressed me ez "Yoor Grace, " from wich Iinferred that I wuz one uv of the Lords spiritooal. Unfortunitly at thispint I awoke, and a sad awakenin it wuz. The gorjus halls hed vanished, the chandeleers hed vanished, the robes uv stait and jewels and sich wuzgone, and I wuz in my offis, not "Yoor Grace, " but merely a Postmasterin a Kentucky village! Well, that is suthin. Wat better is a nobleman?He don't work, neither do I. He drinks wine, it is troo; but I hev watsoots me better--whiskey fresh from the still. Yet my dreem may berealized, and ef it is, I will endevoor to fill the position withcredit. Who knows?

 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P. M. (wich is Postmaster). 

XXXIX. 

A Cabinet Meeting. --Letters from Rev. Henry Ward Beecher, General Custar, Henry J. Raymond, and Hon. John Morrissey, each anxious to Preserve hisReputation. --A Sad Time at the White House. 

 CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), November 7, 1866. 

I wuz called to Washington by our patron Saint, the President, tocomfort his wounded sperit. There ain't no disguisin the fact, --thesperit of Androo Johnson is wounded. He hez endoored the slings andarrers uv more outrajus fortune than any other man who hez lived sencethe days uv Hamlick; more, indeed, than Hamlick endoored, twict over. Hamlick's father wuz pizoned, and his mother married agin afore hermournin clothes wuz wore out--suthin no savin, prudent woman would do;but what wuz that to wat A. JOHNSON endoors every day? Nothin. 

The cabinet meetin to wich I wuz summoned wuz called for the purpose uvsheddin a tear or two over the election returns, and to consider avariety uv letters wich His Eggscellency hed receeved within a few days. I may remark that the cabinet hed a gloomy and mildewed look. 

The fust wuz from Rev. Henry Ward Beecher. Mr. Beecher remarked that hehad the highest possible respeck for the offis wunst held by the goodWashinton, the great Adams, and the sainted Linkin. He omitted remarkinanythin about Peerce and Bookanan, out uv regard for the feelins uv thepresent incumbent, wich, ef he hed read History correct, wuz a ardentsupporter uv the Administrashens uv both of them men, wich he consideredstains upon the pages uv American history wich he cood wish mite beobliterated. But wat he desired to say wuz, that he hed a higher regardfor the good opinion uv mankind in general than he hed for the goodopinion uv the accidental incumbent uv any offis; and ez he hed, in ahour uv temporary mental aberrashen, wich hed happily passed, endorsedthe Administrashen, wich insanity hed worked evil unto him, he rekested, ez a simple act uv justice, that the President shood cause it to beknown that he (Beecher) wuz not considered by the Administrashen ez asupporter thereof. 

"I do this, " sed the writer, "becoz the impression that I am in theconfidence uv yoor Eggslency, wich is onfortunately abroad, hezseriously DAMAGED MY REPUTASHEN. 

 "Trooly yoors, " et settry. 

The readin uv this letter wuz follered by a minit uv profound silence, wich wuz broken by the President. 

"Let him pass, " sed the great man who hez the despensin uv the postoffisis, "let him pass. But here is another, " sed he, bustin into teers;"read that. "

It wuz from Gen. Custar, him uv the yaller hair, wich hed somereputashen doorin the war ez a cavalry commander. It wuz to the sameeffect. He hed, when he spozd that the policy uv the President, wich heesteemed ez he must any man who held the exalted position wunst okkepiedby the good Washinton, the great Jefferson, and the sainted Linkin--

"The ongrateful dog doesn't respect ME!" sed Androo; "it's the offis Ifill;" and he bust into a fresh flood. 

--When he spozed the President's policy wuz sich ez a soljer and patriotcood endorse, he endorsed it. But he diskivered that it led him, backforemost, into company wich, doorin the late war, he hed alluz visitedface foremost and on hossback; and therefore, to SAVE HIS REPUTASHUN, hemust beg that the President wood give it out that he (Gen. Custar) wuznot, nor never hed bin, a supporter uv his policy, and oblige

 Yoors trooly, ez before. 

I wuz too hart-broken at this to make any reply, and Cowan and Doolittlewuz in the same fix. The Kernelcy wich wuz given to Custar to keep himin posishen hed bin promised to a Demokratic captin, who wuz led by acompany in the first Bull Run fight, and who threw up in disgust thenext day, not likin the manner in wich the war wuz bein conducted; butnow the Kernelcy wuz gone, and Custar too; and wat wuz worse, there wuzno sich thing to be thot uv ez dismissin him. The entire companyyoonited in minglin their teers. 

The next letter wuz read by Seward, ez it wuz addressed to him. It wuzfrom Raymond. He opened with the remark that for the Presidential officehe hed the highest respeck. Aside from the considerashen that it hed binwunst okkepied by the good Washinton, the great Adams, and the saintedLinkin, the President mite be considered the Father of his country, hevin so large a number of helpless children to provide for; andbesides, he hed a instinctive respeck for the dispenser of anything. Itwuz difficult for him, bein a open and simple-minded man, not to adhereto the President; but--

"Good Heavens!" shreeked Johnson, "that little fox ain't a goin to speakuv HIS reputashen!"

"Dooty requires the reedin uv the entire dockeyment, painful to myfeelins ez it may be, " sed Seward. "He concloods thusly:--

"'I am forced to ask yoo, ez one enjoyin confidenshel relations with Himwho occupies the Presidenshel chair, to hev it given out that I stand inopposition to him. A doo REGARD FOR MY REPUTASHEN impels me to thiscourse. I remain

 "'Yoors Trooly. '"

There wuz 2 or three more. Gen. Carey uv Ohio, requested the Presidentto remove him from his Collectorship, ez the holdin uv it wuz INJOORINHIS REPUTASHEN. A editor out West, who wuz sedooced into takin a PostOffis, begged to hev it taken off his hands, that he might save hiscirculashen before it wuz everlastinly too late. And finally we come towun, the seal uv wich wuz a coat-uv-arms--bull dog rampant, bowie-knifecouchant, supported by trottin horses, on a field uv green cloth. It wuzfrom Hon. John Morrisey, who hed jest ben elected to Congress in NooYork. 

Mr. Morrisey remarked that, ez one uv the pillars uv the Democrasy, hefelt he hed a rite to speek. He wished it to be understood that hewashed his hands uv any connection with Johnson or his party. He hedseed a lite. In States where the Democrasy, uv wich he wuz a piller, hedtied themselves to Johnson, they hed gone down to a prematoor grave. Respeck for the high offis restrained him from sayin that the Democrasycoodent carry sich a cussid load; but he wood say that the result uv theelection in Noo York, where they dependid solely on muscle and nigger, wich is the reel Democratic capital, and succeeded, while where theDemocrasy wuz loaded down with Johnsonianism, they failed, satisfied himthat the President wuz a inkubus. He sed this with all doo respeck forthe offis. Mr. Morrisey further remarked that he hed also personelreasons for makin this request. He commenced in a humble position, andhed filled the public eye long enuff to satisfy his modist ambishen. Hehed walloped Sullivan and Heenan; he hed owned the fastest horses, andwon more money at faro than any man in Amerika. His ambishen wuzsatisfied, so fur ez he wuz concerned; but he hoped to leave behind him, for his infant son (wich wuz only twelve years uv age, and wich hed adevelopment uv intelleck and muscle remarkable for one so tender, havinalready walloped every boy in the skool to wich he wuz a goin), hedesired to leave that son a honorable name. It hed bin given out that hewuz a supporter uv the individooal who okkepied the Presidenshel offis, and it wuz injoorin him. He wished that stigma removed. A REGARD FOR HISREPUTASHEN forced him to insist upon it. 

And this epistle wuz dooly signed, his JOHN × MORRISSEY, M. C. Mark. 

There wuz silence in the Cabinet. This last stroke intensified the gloomwich hed settled onto the Government; and ez I turned my tear-bedewedeyes, I saw the great drops coursin down the cheeks uv every onepresent. Mr. Seward retired without sayin anythin about ninety days, andone by one they all departed. 

It wuz a solemn time. There wuz other letters yet to be read, but no onehed the heart to open em. I made a move in that direckshun, but Androoprevented me. "I'm sick, " murmured he, in a husky voice, which showedthat his hart wuz peerced. "Help me to bed. " I saw the great man buryhis intellectool head beneath the snowy kivrin uv his oneasy couch, allbut the nose, which in him is the thermometer uv the sole, and whichaccordinly glowed, not with the yoosooal brilliant hue, but with a dull, dead, and ghastly bloo. Noticin the convulsive heavins uv the kivers, which betrayed the agitashen uv the breast beneath, I whispered in hisear, ez I handed him his nite drink uv rye whisky flavored with bourbon, that he hed one hold, ez Delaware hed sustained him. A flush uvsatisfaction passed over his nose, but it subsided in an instant. "Troo, " gasped he, "it's ourn now; but before the next election a coupleuv them Massachoosits ablishnists will buy the cussid State, andre-people it to soot em;" and he gave a convulsive gasp, and sank into atroubled slumber. 

It wuz a tetchin occasion. 

 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P. M. (wich is Postmaster). 

XL. 

A Sermon upon the November Elections, from the Text, "No man putteth NewWine into Old Settles" with a Digression or Two. 

 CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), November 16, 1866. 

When the news uv the result of the Illinoy election reached the Corners, there wuz a feelin uv oneasiness wich was trooly affectin; but when thecrushin intelligence arove that Hoffman wuz beeten in Noo York, therewuz a prostration wich wuz only ekalled when the intelligence of Lee'ssurrender reached us. We expected defeat in Illinoy, and some uv theother States, but we hed hopes that Noo York wood go Dimocratic, thatHis Eggslency mite hev some show uv backin by the people, andconsekently some excoose for continyooin to enforce his policy. But thathope wuz taken from us, and uv the entire populashen, I wuz the only onewho hed suffishent stamina to preserve the semblance uv cheerfulness, and that wuz only on akkount uv my hevin the Post Offis. Elections can'ttake that from me: it is a rock wich the waves uv popler indignashencan't wash away, thank the Lord! for ef they cood, how many uv us woodto-day be holdin our places? Still, I felt overwhelmed, and sorrowfullyI entered Bascom's. There, with their heads bowed in sorrer, and tearsflowin from their venrable eyes, sot Deekin Pogram, Elder Slathers, anda few others uv the Saints, who, ez I entered, mekanikally rose, andstood afore the bar; mekanikally Bascom, who wuz likewise bowed downwith greef, sot out the invigorator; mekanikally we dosed ourselves, andstill in a daze, mekanikally I moved out without payin, Bascom bein toofull uv sorrer to notis it. 

It wuz deemed proper, in view uv the great calamity, that services shoodbe held in the church, and at 2 P. M. , wich with us mite be sed to meanpost mortem, we slowly and sadly filed in, the only smilin countenancein site bein that uv a nigger at the door, who wuz to-wunst beltid overthe head for lookin happy. 

I gave out the hymn, --

 "Broad is the road wich leeds to death, "--

and it wuz sung with tetchin pathos. After the weepin hed subsided, and I got my feelings calmed down so ez to permit me to speek, Icommenst explainin to em the causes uv the result. It wuz, I sed, achastenin sent onto us for our sins; a stripin becoz we hed exalted ourhorn in our pride; that, gloryin in the possession uv the post offices, the collectorships, the assessorships, and sich, we hed becomevain-glorious and puffed up, and careless in performance uv dooties. Ther wuz niggers in Kentucky a goin about free, and impiously settin atnaught the decrees uv Providence, wich condemned em to be servants uvtheir brethren; and heer I digressed to eloocydate a pint. I hed seenstricters in a Boston paper onto the common practice uv amalgamashen inthe South, wich paper held up the practis to the condemnashen uv piousmen. "My brethren, " sed I, "them Boston Ablishnists hev no cleerunderstandin uv the Skripter. When Ham wuz cust by Noar, wat wuz thatcuss? '_He shel be a servant unto his brethren. _' Not unto strangers;not unto the Philistine, or the Girgeshite, or the Millerite, but untohis brethren! How cood he be servant unto his brethren except throamalgamashen? Onless we amalgamated with em, how wood the male niggersbe our brethren? O, my brethren! we wuz obliged to do these things, thatthe Skripters mite be fulfilled; and to the credit uv the Southernpeople, be it sed, that they never shrunk from the performance uv dooty. The per cent. Uv yeller niggers in this State attests how faithfulKentucky hez bin. "

But to resoom. We hev sinned in permittin skools to come in, and unfitum for their normal and skriptural condishen; but these is not all. Mybrethren, go to Esq. McGavitt's, and get the township Bible, and searchtill yoo find this yer tex:--

 "And no man puttith new wine into old bottles, else the new wine doth bust the bottles, and the wine is spilled. "

My brethren, wich is the bottles? The Dimocrisey, uv course; and themost uv em may be considered old ones. We hev actid as bottles, carryingabout flooids--not percisely wine, but the modern substitoottherefor--from our earliest infancy. Wich is new wine? The Ablishnistswich follered Johnson, uv course. New wine is frothy; so wuz they. Newwine fizzes; so did they. New wine hez strength for a minnit; so hedthey. New wine is unreliable; so wuz they. At Philadelphy the puttin uvthis new wine into old bottles wuz accomplished; at that accursed placeanshent Dimocrisy, wich beleeves in Ham and Hagar, met and fell onto thenex uv Seward and Doolittle, wich invented Ablishinism, and we mingledour teers together; the new wine wuz put into the venerable old bottleuv Dimocrisy, and notwithstandin we hooped it with Federal patronage, itbusted, and great wuz the bust thereof; and the fragments uv the bottleswuz prone onto the earth, and the new wine is runnin round permiscus. Sowuz the Skripter fulfilled. 

And, my brethren, while yoo are at the Squire's huntin up that tex, keepon till yoo find another, to wit:--

 "No man also seweth a piece uv old cloth onto a new garment, else the new piece that filleth it up taketh it away from the old, and the rent is made worse. "

My hearers, Democrisy went to Philadelphy in a soot uv gray, wich it hedbin a wearin for five years. It wuz trooly old, and ther wuz greeviousrents in it, made mostly by bayonets, and sich. O, why wuzn't we contentto wear it? Why wuz we not satisfied with it? Agin wuz the Skriptersfulfilled. We patched up the Confedrit gray with Federal blue; we putonto the back, Seward; onto the knees, Randall; onto the shoulders, Cowan; and onto the seat, Johnson, and they wuz stitched together withPost Offisis. But it didn't hold. The Skripters wuz fulfilled; the oldcloth wuz rotten, and one by one patches fell off, somewhat dirtied, andtakin with em a part uv the old, and the rents is bigger than before. Our coat is busted at the elbows, our pants is frayed round the bottoms, out at the knees, and from behind the flag uv distress waveth drearilyin the cold wind. 

My brethren, we will succeed when we stick to our integrity. Wat wuz theyoose uv our assoomin what we did not hev? Wat wuz the sence uv ouraskin our people to vote for Kernels for Congris wich hed, doorin thewar, drafted their sons? Wat wuz the yoose uv talking ConstooshnelAmendments to men who spozed that Internal Improvements and a NashnelBank wuz still the ishoo? Wat wuz the yoose uv lettin go our holt onnigger equality, wich is the right bower, left bower, and ace uv theDemocrisy, --its tower uv strength, its anker and cheefest trust, andwich is easy uv comprehension, and eminently adapted to the Democraticintelleck, --and takin up questions wich will all be settled ten yearsafore they begin to comprehend em? In breef, wat wuz the sense, mybrethren, in puttin new wine into old bottles?--uv patchin old clothwith new? Let us be warned; and never repeet the fatle error. 

The congregashen dispersed somewhat sadly, but ez they gathered atBascom's to discuss the sermon, I wuz gratified at observin a visibleimprovement in their temper. Bascom hisself bussled around lively;Deekin Pogram remarked that probably it wuz unskriptooral to put newwine into old tubs, but ez he didn't hev an ijee; that the prohibishenextendid to new whisky, he'd resk it, bust or no bust, and he pizenedhisself very much in the old style, and Elder Slather and KernelMcPelter so far recovered their sperits ez to hang the nigger I menshendin the beginnin ez lookin pleased at the church. The Corners is rapidlygettin itself agin. 

 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P. M. (wich is Postmaster). 

XLI. 

A Few Last Words. --The Writer hereof bids his Readers Farewell, andhurls a Trifle of Exhortation after them. 

 CONFEDRIT × ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), November 19, 1866. 

Poets hev remarked a great many times, too tejus to enoomerate, that"farewell" is the saddistist word to pronounce wich hez to be pronounst. It may be so among poets, wich are spozd to be a continyooally carryinabout with em a load uv sadnis, and sensibilities, and sich; but I hevnever found it so. The fact is, it depends very much on how yoo say it, under wat circumstances, and to whom. Wen, in my infancy, I wuzinkarseratid in the common jail uv my native village, in Noo Gersey, avictim to the prejudisis uv twelve men, who believed, on the unsupportidtestimony uv three men, and the mere accident uv the missin propertybein found in my possession (notwithstandin the fact that I solemnlyasshoored em that I didn't know nothin about it, and if I did it, itmust hev bin in a somnamboolic state), that I hed bin guilty uv bustinopen a grosery store, and takin twelve boxes uv cheroot cigars, Iasshoor yoo that, at the end uv the sentence, --hevin bin fed on breadand water, --the sayin of farewell to the inhuman jailer wuzn't at allonpleasant. Likewise, when, in the State uv Pennsylvany, in theeggscitin campane uv 1856, I votid twict or four times for that eminentand gilelis patriot, Jeems Bookannon, and wuz hauled up therefor, andsentenced by a Ablishn Judge to a year in the Western Penitentiary, after an elokent speech, in wich I reviewed the whole question at issuebetween the parties, and ashoored him that my triflin irregularity inthe matter uv votin grew out uv an overweenin desire for the salvashenuv my beloved country, --that, feelin that rooin wuz ahead uv us, onlessthat leveler Fremont wuz defeated, I felt that my conshence wood not beeasy onless I did all in my power to ayert the evil, --when I emergedfrom them gloomy walls, with one soot uv close, and a tolable knowledgeuv the shoemakin biznis, wuz it a sad thing for me to say "Farewell" tothe grim jailer, whose key turned one way wuz liberty, and tother waycaptivity? Nary. 

These two instances, I beleeve, is the only ones in wich I hev ever hedto say farewell. In the course uv my long and checkered career (I do nothere allood to the style uv clothin in the Penitentiary), I am, when Ithink uv it, surprised at the comparatively few times wich I ever left aplace at wich I hed bin stayin, in daylite! I ginerally went in thenite, --

 "Foldin my tent like the Arab, And ez silently steelin away, "

hevin too much sensibility to be an onwillin witnis uv the agony uvlandladies, when they diskivered that I cood not pay. Knowin the softnisuv my heart, I hev alluz hed a great regard for my feelins. 

Still, I feel some disinclinashen to commence sayin Farewell at thistime. I wood like to continyoo this work. Methinks I wood like to go onpilin up pages ontil the Dimocrisy uv the Yoonited States wuz thoroughlyindoctrinatid with _my_ Dimocrisy. But it is impossible. 

I bid my readers farewell in a period uv gloom rarely ekalled, and neversurpast, for the Democrisy. Never in my recollekshun wuz the party insich a state uv abject cussitood. The Northern States hev slipt from ourgrasp one by one, ontil none remains wich we kin fondly call ourn. TheBorder States are losin their Dimocrisy, and rallyin under the blackbanner uv Ablishinism; and the ten States which we kin controlonfortinitly ain't got no voice in the Guvment. From the mountin tops uvMaine, and the level pararies uv Illinoy, the remnants uv the Dimocrisyholler to us uv the South, "Be firm! we'll stand by yoo!" and from therich cotton fields uv the South the Dimocrisy holler to them uv theNorth, "Keep up yoor sperits! we are troo to yoo!" all uv wich is verycheerin, when them uv the North is in sich a hopelis minority ez to beunable to elect a township constable, and them in the South hain't gotno vote at all!

I appeal, however, with the rest uv the leaders, to the Dimocrisy toremain firm. Suthin will come in time, --what, I can't, with any degreeuv certinty, now state; but suthin will come. The Ablishnists cannotalluz rool. The cuss uv the old Whig party wuz, that the respectiveindividooal members thereof cood read and write, and hed a knack uv dointheir own thinkin, and therefore it cood not be brot into that state uvdissipline so nessary to success ez a party. That same cuss is a hanginonto the Ablishnists. They hung together from 1856 to 1860 coz there wuzwat they called a prinsipple at stake; and on that prinsipple theyelected Linkin. They wood hev fallen to peeces then, but our Southernbrethren decided to commence operashens for the new goverment it hed solong desired; and the overwhelmin pressur uv the war smothered all minerishoos and all individooal feelin, and they hung together long enough tosee that throo. Now, still for the principle wich welded em doorin thewar, they are holdin together yit, and probably will ontil they thinkthis question wich they are disposin of is disposed of. Then they willsplit up, and our openin is made. We hev a solid phalanx, wich theycan't win over or detach from us. We hev them old veterans who voted forJaxon, and who are still votin for him. We hev them sturdy old yeomanrywho still swear that Bloo Lite Fedralism ought to be put down, and can'tbe tolerated in a Republikin Goverment, and who, bless their old souls!don't know no more what Bloo Lite Fedralism wuz than an unborn baby doesuv Guy Fawkes. We hev that solid army uv voters whose knees yawnhidjusly, and whose coats is out at elbows, and whose children gobarefoot in winter, while their dads is a drinkin cheap whiskey, anddamin the Goverment for imposin a income tax. We hev the patrioticcitizins whose noses blossom like the lobster, and who live in mortalfear uv nigger ekality; and we hev John Morrissey's constitooents. 

These classes argyment won't move, and reasonin won't faze. They like toabooze the Goverment for levyin taxes, hopin to deseeve somebody intothe idea that they pay taxes, and that it bears hard onto em; and theyoppose nigger ekality becoz it soothes em, like laudnum, to think thatthere is somebody in the country lower down than themselves. TheDimocrisy alluz hed these, and alluz will. 

Ez I remarked, the Ablishnists, when releeved uv the pressure now bearinonto em, will grow fractious, and split, and these classes will hev notrouble to git into a majority, and then our time comes. 

The discouraged Dimokrat may say that preechers, and noosepapers, andSundy skools, and sich, are underminin their party. In time they will, but not yet. There is still whisky in the land, and the nigger is notyet extinct. Uv wat danger is preechers to these men, when yoo coodentgit one uv em within gun-shot uv one? and wat harm is noosepapers to em, when they can't read? Besides, we are not at the end uv our resourcesyet. When the wust comes to the wust, there is the nigger left us. Whenhe is no longer uv use to us ez he is now, --when the prejoodis is so farremoved ez to invest him with the suffrage, --then WE'LL give him theballot, --WE'LL lead him up out uv Egypt, and we'll make him vote withus. The Dimocrisy never yet failed to control all uv the lower orders uvsosiety. They hev the lowest grade uv the furriners; they hev Delawareand Maryland; they hev Noo York city and Suthern Illinoy; and ef thenigger gets the ballot afore he does the spellin-book, he's ourn beyondperadvencher. 

Again: Ef our politikel stumiks isn't yet toned up to swallerin thenigger, we kin compermise on the Mexican. That country Johnson hez hiseagle eye on now, and ef we demand it, he'll take it. Wat a gloriousprospeck opens to us! Mexico wood cut up into at least twenty States, wich, added to the ten we hev, wood make a clean majority wich we coodhold for years. Massachoosets cood do nuthin in Mexico. The Greasersain't adapted to Massachoosets. Ef they sent their long-haired teachersthere with their spellin books, they'd end their labors by lettin aknife into their intestines for the clothes they wore, wich wood put acheck on the mishnary biznis. They are, it is troo, several degreeslower in the skale uv humanity than the niggers, but then they ain'tniggers, and we cood marry em without feelin that we'd degradedourselves. Ther is undoubtedly cusses on em, but the only cuss we hevConstooshnel objections to is the cuss uv Ham, and that they ain'tlabrin under. Mexico affords us room for hope; we never shel run out uvmaterial for Dimocratic votes until she is convertid, and but fewmishnaries wood hev the nerve to tackle her. 

Therfore I say to the Dimocrisy, be uv good cheer! Ther's a brite day adawnin. We hev now the Post Offisis, and nothin short uv an impeachmentkin take em from us for two years. We may be beaten in 1868; it may bethat our managin men promised the nominashen to our present Head--A. JOHNSON; but I hope not. Ef we are laid out agin, we kin consoleourselves with the reflection that we're yoost to it, and we kin go onhopin for the good time that must come. 

Let us hold onto our faith, and continyoo to run, hopin eventooally tobe glorified. Let us remember that all the majorities agin us don'tchange the fact that Noah cust Ham, and that Hagar wuz sent back to hermistress. Let us remember that Paul, or some one uv them possels, remarked, "Servance, obey yoor masters, " and that, under Ablishn rool, we are exposed to the danger uv marryin niggers. Let us still cherishthe faith that evenchooally, when reason returns, the Amerikin peoplewill not throw away the boon we offer em uv fillin the cuss uv laborimposed by the Almity for disobedience in the garden, ez the Dimocrisyserved in the army, by substitoot, and persevere even unto the perfeckend. When this good time is come, then will the anshent Dimocrisy, uvwich I hev bin to-wunst a piller and a ornament for thirty years, triumph, and the position wich I now hold, wich is rather too temporaryto be agreeable, be continyood unto me for keeps, and layin off thearmor uv actooal warfare, I shel rest in that haven uv worn-outpatriots, --a perpetooal Post Offis. May the day be hastened! Farewell!

 PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P. M. (wich is Postmaster). 

THE END. 

[Transcriber's note. The following changes have been made to the text: Removed repeated I: I hev alluz bin a Dimecrat Replaced with Andro with Androo: We are willin to endorse Androo Johnson Added Missing quote: arm-in-arm with a nigger, and, --" Added Missing quote: They go down--never up. " Added Missing quote: "_Resolved_, That in retainin' Added Missing quote: we kin alluz hev a party. "]