UNCLE JOSH'S PUNKIN CENTRE STORIES

By Cal Stewart

Preface

To the Reader. 

The one particular object in writing this book is to furnish you with anoccasional laugh, and the writer with an occasional dollar. If you getthe laugh you have your equivalent, and the writer has his. 

In Uncle Josh Weathersby you have a purely imaginary character, yet onetrue to life. A character chuck full of sunshine and rural simplicity. Take him as you find him, and in his experiences you will observe thereis a bright side to everything. 

Sincerely Yours

Cal Stewart

Contents PREFACE

LIFE SKETCH OF AUTHOR

MY OLD YALLER ALMANAC

ARRIVAL IN NEW YORK

UNCLE JOSH IN SOCIETY

UNCLE JOSH IN A CHINESE LAUNDRY

UNCLE JOSH IN A MUSEUM

UNCLE JOSH IN WALL STREET

UNCLE JOSH AND THE FIRE DEPARTMENT

UNCLE JOSH IN AN AUCTION ROOM

UNCLE JOSH ON A FIFTH AVENUE 'BUS

UNCLE JOSH IN A DEPARTMENT STORE

UNCLE JOSH'S COMMENTS ON THE SIGNS SEEN IN NEW YORK

UNCLE JOSH ON A STREET CAR

MY FUST PAIR OF COPPER TOED BOOTS

UNCLE JOSH IN POLICE COURT

UNCLE JOSH AT CONEY ISLAND

UNCLE JOSH AT THE OPERA

UNCLE JOSH AT DELMONICO'S

IT IS FALL

SI PETTINGILL'S BROOMS

UNCLE JOSH PLAYS GOLF

JIM LAWSON'S HOGS

UNCLE JOSH AND THE LIGHTNING ROD AGENT

A MEETING OF THE ANNANIAS CLUB

JIM LAWSON'S HOSS TRADE

A MEETING OF THE SCHOOL DIRECTORS

THE WEEKLY PAPER AT PUNKIN CENTRE

UNCLE JOSH AT A CAMP MEETING

THE UNVEILING OF THE ORGAN

UNCLE JOSH PLAYS A GAME OF BASE BALL

THE PUNKIN CENTRE AND PAW PAW VALLEY RAILROAD

UNCLE JOSH ON A BICYCLE

A BAPTISIN' AT THE HICKORY CORNERS CHURCH

A REMINISCENCE OF MY RAILROAD DAYS

UNCLE JOSH AT A CIRCUS

UNCLE JOSH INVITES THE CITY FOLKS TO VISIT HIM

YOSEMITE JIM, OR A TALE OF THE GREAT WHITE DEATH

UNCLE JOSH WEATHERSBY'S TRIP TO BOSTON

WHO MARCHED IN SIXTY-ONE

Life Sketch of Author

THE author was born in Virginia, on a little patch of land, so poor wehad to fertilize it to make brick. Our family, while having cast theirfortunes with the South, was not a family ruined by the war; we did nothave anything when the war commenced, and so we held our own. I secureda common school education, and at the age of twelve I left home, orrather home left me--things just petered out. I was slush cook on anOhio River Packet; check clerk in a stave and heading camp in the knobsof Tennessee, Virginia and Georgia; I helped lay the track of the M. K. & T. R. R. , and was chambermaid in a livery stable. Made my firstappearance on the stage at the National Theatre in Cincinnati, Ohio, and have since then chopped cord wood, worked in a coal mine, made crossties (and walked them), worked on a farm, taught a district school (madelove to the big girls), run a threshing machine, cut bands, fed themachine and ran the engine. Have been a freight and passenger brakeman, fired and ran a locomotive; also a freight train conductor and checkclerk in a freight house; worked on the section; have been a shotgun messenger for the Wells, Fargo Company. Have been with a circus, minstrels, farce comedy, burlesque and dramatic productions; have beenwith good shows, bad shows, medicine shows, and worse, and some showswhere we had landlords singing in the chorus. Have played variety housesand vaudeville houses; have slept in a box car one night, and a swellhotel the next; have been a traveling salesman (could spin as manyyarns as any of them). For the past four years have made the Uncle Joshstories for the talking machine. The Lord only knows what next!

My Old Yaller Almanac

 Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall

 I'M sort of fond of readin' one thing and another, So I've read promiscus like whatever cum my way, And many a friendly argument's cum up 'tween me and mother, 'Bout things that I'd be readin' settin' round a rainy day. 

 Sometimes it jist seemed to me thar wa'nt no end of books, Some made fer useful readin' and some jist made fer looks;

 But of all the different books I've read, thar's none comes up at all

 To My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall. 

 I've always liked amusement, of the good and wholesome kind, It's better than a doctor, and it elevates the mind;

 So, often of an evening, when the farm chores all were done, I'd join the games the boys would play, gosh how I liked the fun;

 And once thar wuz a minstrel troop, they showed at our Town Hall, A jolly lot of fellers, 'bout twenty of 'em all. 

 Wall I went down to see 'em, but their jokes, I knowed 'em all, Read 'em in My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall. 

 Thar wuz Ezra Hoskins, Deacon Brown and a lot of us old codgers, Used to meet down at the grocery store, what wuz kept by Jason Rogers. 

 There we'd set and argufy most every market day, Chawin' tobacker and whittlin' sticks to pass the time away;

 And many a knotty problem has put us on our mettle, Which we felt it wuz our duty to duly solve and settle;

 Then after they had said their say, who thought they knowed it all, I'd floor 'em with some facts I'd got

 From My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall. 

 It beats a regular cyclopedium, that old fashioned yeller book, And many a pleasant hour in readin' it I've took;

 Somehow I've never tired of lookin' through its pages, Seein' of the different things that's happened in all ages. 

 One time I wuz elected a Justice of the Peace, To make out legal documents, a mortgage or a lease, Them tricks that lawyers have, you bet I knowed them all, Learned them in My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall. 

 So now I've bin to New York, and all your sights I've seen, I s'pose that to you city folks I must look most awful green, Gee whiz, what lots of fun I've had as I walked round the town, Havin' Bunco Steerers ask me if I wasn't Mr. Hiram Brown. 

 I've rode on all your trolloly cars, and hung onto the straps, When we flew around the corners, sat on other peoples' laps, Hav'nt had no trouble, not a bit at all, Read about your city in My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall. 

Uncle Josh Weathersby's Arrival in New York

WALL, fer a long time I had my mind made up that I'd cum down to NewYork, and so a short time ago, as I had my crops all gathered in andproduce sold I calculated as how it would be a good time to come downhere. Folks at home said I'd be buncoed or have my pockets picked foreI'd bin here mor'n half an hour; wall, I fooled 'em a little bit, I wuzhere three days afore they buncoed me. I spose as how there are a goodmany of them thar bunco fellers around New York, but I tell you themthar street keer conductors take mighty good care on you. I wuz ridin'along in one of them keers, had my pockit book right in my hand, Ialowed no feller would pick my pockits and git it long as I had it inmy hand, and it shet up tight as a barrel when the cider's workin'. Wallthat conductor feller he jest kept his eye on me, and every little bithe'd put his head in the door and say "hold fast. " But I'm transgressin'from what I started to tell ye. I wuz ridin' along in one of themsleepin' keers comin' here, and along in the night some time I felt afeller rummagin' around under my bed, and I looked out jest in time tosee him goin' away with my boots, wall I knowed the way that train wuz arunnin' he couldn't git off with them without breakin' his durned neck, but in about half an hour he brot them back, guess they didn't fit him. Wall I wuz sort of glad he took em cause he hed em all shined up slicker'n a new tin whistle. Wall when I got up in the mornin' my trubblescommenced. I wuz so crouded up like, durned if I could git my clotheson, and when I did git em on durned if my pants wa'nt on hind sideafore, and my socks got all tangled up in that little fish net alongside of the bed and I couldn't git em out, and I lost a bran new collarbutton that I traded Si Pettingill a huskin' peg fer, and I got my rightboot on my left foot and the left one on the right foot, and I wuz sodurned badly mixed up I didn't know which way the train wuz a runnin', and I bumped my head on the roof of the bed over me, and then sotdown right suddin like to think it over when some feller cum along andstepped right squar on my bunion and I let out a war whoop you could aheerd over in the next county. Wall, along cum that durned porter andtold me I wuz a wakin' up everybody in the keer. Then I started into hunt fer my collar button, cause I sot a right smart store by thatbutton, thar warns another one like it in Punkin Centre, and I thoughtit would be kind of doubtful if they'd have any like it in New York, wall I see one stuck right in the wall so I tried to git it out with myjack knife, when along came that durned black jumpin' jack dressed insoldier clothes and ast me what I wanted, and I told him I didn't wantanything perticler, then he told me to quit ringin' the bell, guess hewuz a little crazy, I didn't see no bell. Wall, finally I got my clotheson and went into a room whar they had a row of little troughs to washin, and fast as I could pump water in the durned thing it run out of alittle hole in the bottom of the trough so I jest had to grab a handfuland then pump some more. Wall after that things went along purty wellfer a right smart while, then I et a snack out of my carpet bag and feltpurty good. Wall that train got to runnin' slower and slower 'till itstopped at every house and when it cum to a double house it stoppedtwice. I hed my ticket in my hat and I put my head out of the window tolook at suthin' when the wind blew my hat off and I lost the durned oldticket, wall the conductor made me buy another one. I hed to buy twotickets to ride once, but I fooled him, he don't know a durned thingabout it and when he finds it out he's goin to be the maddest conductoron that railroad, I got a round trip ticket and I ain't a goin' back onhis durned old road. When I got off the ferry boat down here I commencedto think I wuz about the best lookin' old feller what ever cum to NewYork, thar wuz a lot of fellers down thar with buggies and kerridgesand one thing and another, and jest the minnit they seen me they allcommenced to holler--handsome--handsome. I didn't know I wuz so durnedgood lookin'. One feller tried to git my carpet bag and another triedto git my umbreller, and I jest told 'em to stand back or durned if Iwouldn't take a wrestle out of one or two of them, then I asked one of'em if he could haul me up to the Sturtevessant hotel, and by gosh Inever heered a feller stutter like that feller did in all my life, he said ye-ye-ye-yes sir, and I said wall how much air you a goin' tocharge me, and he said f-f-f-fif-fif-fifty c-c-cents, and I sed wall Iguess I'll ride with you, but don't stop to talk about it any more causeI'd kinder like to git thar. Wall we started out and when we stopped wewuz away up at the other end of the town whar thar warn't many houses, and I sed to him, this here ain't the Sturtevessant hotel, and he sedn-n-n-no n-s-s-n-no sir, I sed why didn't you let me out at thehotel like I told ye, and he sed, b-b-b-be c-c-c b-b-be cause Ic-c-c-c-couldn't s-s-s-say w-w-w-whoa q-q-q-q-quick enough. Wall I hed agreat time with that feller, but I got here at last. 

Uncle Josh in Society

WALL, I did'nt suppose when I cum down here to New York that I wuz agoin to flop right into the middle of high toned society, but I guessthat's jist about what I done. You see I had an old friend a livin' downhere named Henry Higgins, and I wanted to see Henry mighty bad. Henryand me, we wuz boys together down home at Punkin Centre, and I hadn'tseen him in a long time. Wall, I got a feller to look up his name inthe city almanac, and he showed me whar Henry lived, away up on a streetcalled avenue five. Wall when I seen Henry's house it jist about tookmy breath away, I wuz that clar sot back. Henry's house is a good dealbigger'n the court house at Punkin Centre. Wall at first I didn't knowwhether to go in or not, but finally I mustered up my courage, and Iwent up and rang some new fangled door bell, when a feller with kneebritches on cum out and wanted to know who it wuz I wanted to see. GoshI couldn't say anything fer about a minnit, that feller jist looked tome like a picter I'd seen in a story book. Wall finally I told him Iwanted to see Henry Higgins, if it wuz the same Henry I used to knowdown home at Punkin Centre. Wall I guess Henry he must a heered metalkin', cause he jist cum out and grabbed me by both hands and sed, "why Josh Weathersby, how do you do, cum right in. " Wall he took me intothe house and introduced me to more wimmin folks than I ever seenbefore in all my life at one time. I guess they were havin' some kindof society doins at Henry's house, one old lady sed to me, "my dear Mr. Weathersby, I am so pleased to meet you, I've heered Mr. Higgins speakabout you so often. " Wall by chowder, I got to blushin' so it cum prettynear settin' my hair on fire, but I sed, wall now I'm right glad to knowyou, you kind-er put me in mind of old Nancy Smith down hum, and Nancy, she's bin tryin' to git married past forty seasons that I kin rememberon. Wall Henry took me off into a room by myself, and when I got on mystore clothes and my new calf skin boots, I tell you I looked about asscrimptious as any of them. Wall they had a dance, I think they calledit a cowtillion, and that wuz whar I wuz right to hum, I jist hoppedout on the floor, balanced to partners, swung on the corners, and cutup more capers than any young feller thar, it jist looked as if all theladies wanted to dance with me. One lady wanted to know if I danced thegerman, but I told her I only danced in English. 

Wall after that we had something to eat in the dinin' room, and I hadn'tany more'n got sot down and got to eatin right good, when that durn foolwith the knee britches on insulted me, he handed me a little wash bowlwith a towel round it, and I told him he needn't cast any insinuationsat me, cause I washed my hands afore I cum in. If it hadn't a bin inHenry's house I'd took a wrestle out of him. Wall they had a lot offurrin dishes, sumthin what they called beef all over mud, and anotherwhat they called a-charlotte russia-a little shavin' mug made out ofcake and full of sweetened lather, wall that was mighty good eatin', though it took a lot of them, they wasn't very fillin'. Then they handedme somethin' what they called ice cream, looked to me like a hunk ofcasteel soap, wall I stuck my fork in it and tried to bite it, and itslipped off and got inside my vest, and in less than a minnit I wuzfroze from my chin to my toes. I guess I cut a caper at Henry's house. 

Uncle Josh in a Chinese Laundry

I S'POSE I got tangled up the other day with the dogondest lookin'critter I calculate I ever seen in all my born days, and I've bin aroundpurty considerable. I'd seen all sorts of cooriosoties and monstrositiesin cirkuses and meenagerys, but that wuz the fust time I'd ever seena critter with his head and tail on the same end. You see I sed to afeller, now whar abouts in New York do you folks git your washin' done;when I left hum to come down here I lowed I had enuff with me to dome, but I've stayed here a little longer than I calculated to, and if Idon't git some washin' done purty soon, I'll have to go and jump in theriver. 

Wall he wuz a bligin sort of a feller, and he told me thar wuz a placeround the corner whar a feller done all the washin', so I went round, and there was a sine on the winder what sed Hop Quick, or Hop Soon, orjump up and hop, or some other kind of a durned hop; and then thar wuza lot of figers on the winder that I couldn't make head nor tail on; itjist looked to me like a chicken with mud on its feet had walked overthat winder. 

Wall I went in to see bout gittin' my washin' done, and gosh all sprucegum, thar was one of them pig tailed heathen Chineeze, he jist lookedfer all the world like a picter on Aunt Nancy Smith's tea cups. I wuzsort of sot back fer a minnit, coz 'I sed to myself--I don't spose thisdurned critter can talk English; but seein' as how I'm in here, I mightas well find out. So I told him I'd like to git him to do some washin'fer me, and he commenced a talkin' some outlandish lingo, sounded to melike cider runnin' out of a jug, somethin' like--ung tong oowong fangkai moi oo ung we, velly good washee. Wall I understood the last of itand jist took his word fer the rest, so I giv him my clothes and he givme a little yeller ticket that he painted with a brush what he had, andI'll jist bet a yoke of steers agin the holler in a log, that no livin'mortal man could read that ticket; it looked like a fly had fell intothe ink bottle and then crawled over the paper. Wall I showed it toa gentleman what was a standin' thar when I cum out, and I sed tohim--mister, what in thunder is this here thing, and he sed "Wall sirthat's a sort of a lotery ticket; every time you leave your clothes tharto have them washed you git one of them tickets, and then you have achance to draw a prize of some kind. " So I sed--wall now I want to know, how much is the blamed thing wuth, and he sed "I spose bout ten cents, "and I told him if he wanted my chants for ten cents he could hav it, Ididn't want to get tangled up in any lotery gamblin' bizness with thatsaucer faced scamp. So he giv me ten cents and he took the ticket, andin a couple of days I went round to git my washin', and that pig tailedheathen he wouldn't let me hev em, coz I'd lost that lotery ticket. SoI sed--now look here Mr. Hop Soon, if you don't hop round and git me mycollars and ciffs and other clothes what I left here, I'll be durned ifI don't flop you in about a minnit, I will by chowder. Wall that critterhe commenced hoppin around and a talkin faster 'n a buzz saw could turn, and all I could make out wuz--mee song lay tang moo me oo lay ung yongwo say mee tickee. Wall I seen jist as plain as could be that he wuz atryin' to swindle me outen my clothes, so I made a grab fer him, and inless 'n a minnit we wuz a rollin' round on the floor; fust I wuz on top, and then Mr. Hop Soon wuz on top, and you couldn't hav told which oneof us the pig tail belonged to. We upset the stove and kicked out thewinder, and I sot Mr. Hop Soon in the wash tub, and when I got out ofthar I had somebody's washin' in one hand and about five yards of thatpig tail in tother, and Mr. Hop Soon, he wuz standin' thar yellin'--ungwa moo ye song ki le yung noy song oowe pelecee, pelecee, pelecee. I hadquite a time with that heathen critter. 

Uncle Josh in a Museum

WHEN I wuz in New York one day I wuz a walkin' along down the streetwhen I cum to a theater or play doins' of some kind or other, so I gotto lookin' at the picters, and I noticed whar it sed it only cost tencents to go in, and I alowed I might as well go in and see it. Wall Idon't spose I'd bin in thar over five minutes afore I made myself thelaffin' stock of every one in thar. I noticed a feller a sottin' thargittin' his boots blacked, and thar was a durned little pick pockit apickin' his pockits. Wall I didn't want to see him git robbed, so I wentright up to him and I sed--look out mister, you air gittin' your pockitspicked, wall sir, that durned cuss never sed a word and every bodycommenced to laff, and I looked round to see what they wuz a laffin'at, and it wan't no man at all, nothin' only a durned old wax figger. I never felt so durned foolish since the day I popped the question toSamantha. Wall then I looked round a spell longer, and thar wuz a fellerwhat they called the human pin cushion, and he wuz stuck chock full ofneedles and pins and looked like a hedge hog; he'd be a mighty handyfeller at a quiltin'. Wall, then a feller cum along and sed, "everybodyover to this end of the hall. " Wall, I went along with the rest of them, and durn my buttins if thar wa'nt a feller what had more picters paintedon him than thar is in a story book. Wall, I'd jist got to lookin' athim when that feller what had charge sed, "right this way everybody, "and we all went into whar they wuz havin' the theater doins', and I gotsot down and a feller cum out and sung a song I hadn't heered since Iwuz a youngster. Neer as I kin remember it wuz this way--

 Kind friends I hadn't had but one sleigh ride this year, And I cum within one of not bein' here, The facts I'll relate near as I kin remember, It happened some time 'bout last December. Li too ra loo ri too ra loo ri too ra loo la ri do. 

 The load was composed of both girls and boys, All tryin' to outdo the other in noise. And the way that we guarded agin the cold weather Wuz settin' all up spoon fashion together. Li too ra loo ri too ra loo ri too ra loo ri li do. 

Wall, they had a parrit in that place and the way he sputtered andjabbered and talked! He wuz a whole show all to himself. Wall, I boughtone of them birds from a feller one time--he said it wuz a good talker. Wall, I took it hum and hed it about three months, and it never seda durned word. I put in most of my spare time tryin' to git it to say"Uncle Josh, " but the durned critter wouldn't do it, so I got mad at himone day and throwed him out in the barn yard amongst the chickens, andleft him thar. Wall, when I went out the next mornin', I tell you tharwuz a sight. Half of them chickens wuz dead, and the rest of 'em wuzskeered to death, and that durned parrit had a rooster by the neck upagin the barn, and jist a givin' him an awful whippin', and every timehe'd hit him he'd say, "Now you say Uncle Josh, gol durn you, you sayUncle Josh. "

Uncle Josh in Wall Street

I USED to read in our town paper down home at Punkin Centre a whole lotabout Wall street and them bulls and bears, and one thing and another, so I jist sed to myself--now Joshua, when you git down to New York City, that's jist what you want to see. Wall, when I got to New York, I gota feller to show me whar it wuz, and I'll be durned if I know why theycall it Wall street; it didn't hav any wall round it. I walked up anddown it bout an hour and a half, and I couldn't find any stock exchangeor see any place fer watterin' any stock. I couldn't see a pig nor acow, nor a sheep nor a calf, or anything else that looked like stockto me. So finally I sed to a gentleman--Mister, whar do they keep themenagery down here. He sed "what menagery?" I sed the place whar they'vegot all them bulls and bears a fitin'. Wall he looked at me as though hethought I wuz crazy, and I guess he did, but he sed "you cum along withme, guess I can show you what you want to see. " Wall I went along withhim, and he took me up to some public institushun, near as I could makeout it wuz a loonytick asylem. Wall he took me into a room about twoakers and a half squar, and thar wuz about two thousand of the crazyestmen in thar I ever seen in all my life. The minnit I sot eyes on them Iknowed they wuz all crazy, and I'd hav to umer them if I got out of tharalive. One feller wuz a standin' on the top of a table with a lot ofpapers in his hand, and a yellin' like a Comanche injin, and all therest of them wuz tryin' to git at him. Finally I sed to one of'em--Mister, what are you a tryin' to do with that feller up thar on thetable? And he sed, "Wall he's got five thousand bushels of wheat and weare tryin' to git it away from him. " Wall, jist the minnit he sed that Iknowed fer certain they wuz all crazy, cos nobody but a crazy man wouldever think he had five thousand bushels of wheat in his coat and pantspockits. Wall when they wan't a looking I got out of thar, and I feltmighty thankful to git out. There wuz a feller standin' on the frontsteps; he had a sort of a unyform on; I guess he wuz Superintendent ofthe institushun; he talked purty sassy to me. I sed, Mister, whattime does the fust car go up town. He sed "the fust one went abouttwenty-five years ago. " I sed to him--is that my car over thar? He sed"no sir, that car belongs to the street car company. " I sez, wall guessI'll take it anyhow. He says "you'd better not, thar's bin a good manycars missed around here lately. " I sed, wall now, I want to know, isthar anything round here any fresher than you be? He sed, "yes, sir, that bench you're a sotten on is a little fresher; they painted it aboutten minnits ago. " Wall, I got up and looked, and durned if he wasn'tright. 

Uncle Josh and the Fire Department

ONE day in New York, I thot I'd rite a letter home. Wall after I'd gotit all writ, I sed to the landlord of the tavern--now, whar abouts inNew York do you keep the post offis? And he sed, "what do you want withthe post offis?" So I told him I'd jist writ a letter home to mother andSamantha Ann, and I'd like to go to the post offis and mail it. And hetold me "you don't have to go to the post offis, do you see that littlebox on the post thar on the corner?" I alowed as how I did. Wall hesays, "You jist go out thar and put your letter in that box, and itwill go right to the post offis. " I sed--wall now, gee whiz, ain't thathandy. Wall I went out thar, and I had a good deal of trouble in gittin'the box open, and when I did git it open, thar wan't any place to putmy letter, thar wuz a lot of notes and hooks and hinges, and a lotof readin, ' it sed--"pull on the hook twice and turn the knob, " orsomethin, like that, I couldn't jist rightly make it out. Wall I yankedon that hook 'till I tho't I'd pull it out by the roots, but I couldn'tgit the durned thing open, then I turned on the knob two or three times, and that didn't do any good, so I pulled on the hook and turned on theknob at the same time, and jist then I think all the fire bells in NewYork commenced to ringin' all to onct. Wall I looked round to see wharthe fire wuz, and a lot of fire ingines and hook and ladder wagons cuma gallopin' up to whar I stood, and they had a big sody water bottle onwheels, and it busted and squirted sody water all over me. Wall one ofthem fire fellers, lookin' jist like I'd seen them in picters in EzraHoskin's insurance papers, he cum up to me madder'n a hornet, and he sed"what are you tryin' to do with that box?" So I told him I'd jist writa letter home, and I wuz a tryin' to mail it. He sed "why you durnedold green horn, you've called out the hull fire department of New YorkCity. " Wall I guess you could have knocked me down with a feather. Ised--wall you'r a purty healthy lookin' lot of fellers, it won't hurtye any to go back, will it? Wall he sed, "thars your letter box over onthother corner, now you let this box alone. " Wall they all drove away, and I went over to the other box, but I didn't know whether to touch itor not, I didn't know but maybe I'd call out the state legislater ifI opened it. Wall while I wuz a standin' thar a feller cum along andlooked all round, and when he thot thar wan't any body watchin' him, heopened that box and commenced takin' the letters out. Wall I'd heereda whole lot 'bout them post offis robbers, when I wuz post master downhome at Punkin Center, so jist arrested him right thar, I took him bythe nap of the neck and flopped him right down on the side walk, and soton him, I hollered--MURDER! PERLEES! and every other thing I could thinkof, and a lot of constables and town marshalls cum a runnin' up, andone of them sed "what are you holdin' this man fer?" and I told him I'dcaught him right in the act of robbin' the United States Post Offis, andby gosh I arrested him. Wall they all commenced a laffin', and I foundout I'd arrested one of the post masters of New York City. 

I lost mother's letter and she never did git it. 

Uncle Josh in an Auction Room

I'D seen a good many funny things in New York at one time and another, so the last day I wuz thar, I wuz a packin' up my traps, a gittin'ready to go home, when I jist conclooded I'd go out and buy somethin' toremember New York by. 

Wall I wuz a walkin' along down the street when I cum to a place wharthey wuz auckshuneerin' off a lot of things. I stopped to see whatthey had to sell. Wall that place wuz jist chuck full of old-fashionedcooriositys. I saw an old book thar, they sed it wuz five hundred yearsold, and it belonged at one time to Loois the Seventeenth or Eighteenth, or some of them old rascals; durned if I believe anybody could read it. 

Wall I commenced a biddin' on different things, but it jist looked asthough everybody had more money than I did, and they sort of out-bidme; but finally they put up an old-fashioned shugar bowl fer sale, and Iwanted to git that mighty bad, cos I thought as how mother would like itfust rate. Wall I commenced a biddin' on it, and it wuz knocked down tome fer three dollars and fifty cents I put my hand in my pockit to gitmy pockit book to pay fer it, and by gosh it was gone. So I went upto the feller what wuz a sellin' the things, and I sed--now look heremister, will you jist wait a minnit with your "goin' at thirty make itthirty-five, once, twice, three times a goin'", and he sed "wall nowwhat's the matter with you?" And I sed, there's matter enuff, by gosh;when I cum in here I had a pockit book in my pockit, had fifty dollarsin it, and I lost it somewhars round here; I wish you'd say to thefeller what found it that I'll give five dollars fer it; another fellersed "make it ten, " another sed "give you twenty, " and another sed "goyou twenty-five. "

Durned if I know which one of 'em got it; when I left they wuz still abiddin' on it. 

 Advice--Advice is somethin' the other feller can't use, so he gives it to you. --Punkin Centre Philosophy. 

Uncle Josh on a Fifth Ave. 'Bus

I WUZ always sort of fond of ridin', so I guess while I wuz down in NewYork I rode on about everything they've got to ride on thar. I wuz onhoss cars and hot air cars, and them sky light elevated roads. Wall, Ihad jist about cum to the conclushun that every street in New York hada different kind of a street car on it, but I found one that didn'thave care of any kind, I think they call it Avenoo Five. Wall, I wuz astandin' thar one day a watchin' the people and things go by, when allto onct along cum the durndest lookin' contraption I calculate I everseen in my life. It wuz a sort of a wagon, kind of a cross between aband wagon and a hay rack, and it had a pair of stairs what commenced atthe hind end and rambled around all over the wagon. I sed to a gentlemanstandin' thar: "Mr. In the name of all that's good and bad, what do youcall that thing?" He sed: "Wall, sir, that's a Fifth Avenoo 'bus. " Ised: "Wall, now, I want to know, kin I ride on it?" And he sed: "You kinif you've got a nickel. " Wall, I got in and sot down, and I jist aboutbusted my buttins a laffin' at things what happened in that 'bus. Tharwuz a young lady cum in and sot down, and she had a little valise inher hand, 'bout a foot squar. Wall, she opened the valise and took outa purse and shet the valise, then she opened the purse and took out adime, and shet the purse, opened the valise and put in the purse, andshet the valise, then she handed the dime to a feller sottin' out on thefront of the 'bus, and he give her a nickel back. Then she opened thevalise and took out the purse, shet the valise and opened the purse andput in the nickel and shet the purse, opened the valise and put in thepurse and shet the valise, then sed, "Stop the bus, please. " Wall, I hadto snicker right out, though I done my best not to, but I jist couldn'thelp it. I didn't have any small change so I handed the feller afive-dollar bill. Wall, that feller jist sot and looked at it fer aspell, then he sed "whoa!" stopped the hosses, cum round to the hind endof the 'bus and he sed: "Who give me that five-dollar bill?" I sed: "Idid, and it was a good one, too. " He sed: "Wall, you cum out here, Iwant to see you. " Wall, I didn't know what he wanted, but I jist made upmy mind if he indulged in any foolishness with me I'd flop him in abouta minnit. Wall, I got out thar, and he sed: "Now look here, honestinjun, did you give me that five-dollar bill?" I sed: "Yes, sir, that'sjist what I done, " and he sed, "Wall, now, which one of the hosses doyou want?" Gosh, I don't believe I'd gin him five dollars fer the wholedurned outfit. 

 Ambition--Somethin' that has made one man a senator, and another man a convict. --Punkin Centre Philosophy

Uncle Josh in a Department Store

ONE day while I wuz in New York I sed to a feller, now whar kin I findone of them stores whar they hav purty near everything to sell whatthar is on earth, and he sed "I guess you mean a department store, don'tyou?" I sed, wall I don't know bout that; they may sell departmentsat one of them stores, but what I want to git is some muzlin and somecaliker. Wall he showed me which way to go, and I started out, andwuz walkin' along down the street lookin' at things, when some fellerthrowed a bananer peelin' on the sidewalk. Wall now I don't think muchof a man what throws a bananer peelin' on the sidewalk, and I don'tthink much of a bananer what throws a man on the sidewalk, neether. Wall, by chowder, my foot hit that bananer peelin' and I went up in theair, and cum down ker-plunk, and fer about a minnit I seen all the starswhat stronomy tells about, and some that haint been discovered yit. Wall jist as I wuz pickin' myself up a little boy cum runnin' cross thestreet and he sed "Oh mister, won't you please do that agin, my motherdidn't see you do it. " Wall I wish I could a got my hands on that littlerascal fer about a minnit, and his mother would a seen me do it. 

I found one of them stores finally, and I got on the inside and told afeller what I wanted, and he sent me over to a red-headed girl, and shesent me over to a bald-headed feller; she sed he didn't have anythin' todo only walk the floor and answer questions. Wall I went up to him and Ised, mister I'm sort of a stranger round here, wish you'd show me round'til I do a little bargainin'. And he sed "Oh you git out, you've gothay seed in your hair. " Wall I jist looked at that bald head of hisn, and I sed, wall now, you haint got any hay seed in YOUR hair, hav you?Everybody commenced a laffin', and he got purty riled, so he sed, smartlike, "jist step this way, please. " Wall he showed me round and I boughtwhat I wanted, and when I cum to pay the feller what I had to pay, it didn't look as though I wuz a goin' to git any of my money back. Ihanded him a ten dollar bill, and he jist took it and put it in alittle baskit and hitched it onto a wire, and the durned thing commencedrunnin' all over the store. Wall now you can jist bet your boots Ilit out right after it; I chased it up one side and down the other, Iknocked down five or six wimmin clerks, and I upset five or six bargaincounters; I took a wrastle out of that bald-headed feller, and jistthen some one commenced to holler "CASH" and I sed yep, that's what I'mafter. Wall I chased that durned little baskit round 'til I got up toit, and when I did I was right thar whar I started from. Gee whiz, Inever felt more foolish in all my life. 

 Prosperity--Consists principally of contentment; for the man who is contented is prosperous, in his own way of thinking, though his neighbors may have a different opinion. --Punkin Centre Philosophy. 

Uncle Josh's Comments on the Signs Seen in New York

I SEEN a good many funny things when I wuz in New York, but I think someof the sines what they've got on some of the bildins' are 'bout as funnyas anything I ever seen in my life. 

I wuz walkin' down the street one day and I seen a sine, it sed "QuickLunch. " Wall, I felt a little hungry, so I went into the resturant orbordin' house, or whatever they call it, and they had some sines hangin'on the walls in thar that jist about made me laff all over. I noticedone sine sed "Put your trust in the Lord, " and right under it wuzanother sine what sed "Try our mince pies. " Wall, I tried one of them, and I want to tell you right now, if you eat many of them mince pies youwant to put your trust in the Lord. 

Wall, I got out of thar, and I walked along fer quite a spell, andfinally I cum to a store what had a lot of red, white and blue, andyeller and purple lights in the winder. Wall, I stopped to look at it, cos it wuz a purty thing, and they had a sine in that winder that jisttickled me, it sed, "Frog in your throat 10C. " I wouldn't put one ofthem critters in my throat fer ten dollars. 

Wall, jist a little further up the street I seen another sine whatsed "Boots blacked on the inside. " Now, any feller what gits his bootsblacked on the inside ain't got much respect fer his socks. I git mineblacked on the outside. Then I cum to a sine what had a lot of 'lectriclights shinin' on it, and I could read it jist as plain as day; so Ihappened to turn round and when I looked at that sine agin, it wa'ntthe same sine at all, and jist then it changed right in front of my veryeyes, and I cum to the conclooshun that some feller on the inside wuza turnin' on it jist to have fun with folks, so I cum away; but I hada mighty good laff or two watchin' other folks git fooled, cos it wouldturn fust one way and then the t'other, and 'fore you could make up yourmind what it wuz, the durned thing wouldn't be that at all. 

A little further up the street I seen a sine what sed, "This is thedoor. " Now, any durned fool could see it wuz a door. And then I seenanother sine what sed "Walk in. " Wall, now, I wunder how in thunder theythought a feller wuz a goin' to cum in, on hoss back, or on a bisickle, or how. And then I seen another sine, it wuz in a winder and had a lotof tools around it, and the sine sed, "Cast iron sinks. " Wall, now, anydurned fool what don't know that cast iron sinks, ought to have some onefeel his head and find out what ails him. 

Uncle Josh on a Street Car

NOW I'll jist bet I had more fun to the squar inch while I wuz in NewYork, than any old feller what ever broke out of a New England smokehouse. I had a little the durnd'st time a ridin' on them street carswhat they got thar. Wall I wa'nt a ridin' on 'emnear as much as I wuza runnin' after 'em tryin' to ketch 'em. Gosh, I wuz a runnin' afterstreet cars and fire ingines, and every durned thing with red wheels onit, I calculate I run about a mile and a half after a feller one dayto tell him the water what he had in his wagon wuz all leakin' out, andwhen I caught up to him I found out it wuz a durned old sprinklin' cart. 

Wall I got on one of them street cars one day, and it wuz purty crowded, and thar wa'nt any place fer me to sot down, so I had to hang onto oneof them little harness straps along side of the car. So I got holt of astrap and I wuz hangin' on, when the conductor sed "old man, you'r goin'to be in the road thar, you'd better move up a little further, wall Imoved up a little ways and I stepped on a feller's toe, and gee whiz, hegot madder'n a wet hen, he sed, 'can't you see whar you'r a steppin'?"I sed, "guess I kin, but you brought them feet in here, and I've got tostep some whar. " Wall every one begin to laff, and the conductor sed, "old man you'r makin' too much trouble, you'll have to move for'ardagain, " and I got off 'n the gosh durned old car; I paid him a nickelto ride, but I guess I might as well have walked, I wuz a walkin' purtymuch all the time I wuz in thar. 

Wall I got onto another car, and I got sot down, and I never laffed somuch in all my life. Up in one end of the car thar wuz a little slimlady, and right along side of her wuz a big fleshy lady, and it didn'tlook as though the little slim lady wuz a gittin' more'n about two centsand a half worth of room, so finally she turned round to the fleshy ladyand sed, "they ought to charge by weight on this line, " and the big ladysed "Wall if they did they wouldn't stop fer you. " Gosh I had to snickerright out loud. 

Thar wuz a little boy a sottin' alongside of the big lady, and threeladys got onto the car all to onct, and thar wa'nt any place fer 'em tosot down, and so the big lady sed--"little boy, you'd oughter git upand let one of them ladys sot down, " and the little boy sed, "you git upand they can all sot down. " Wall by that time your uncle wuz a laffin'right out. 

Sottin' right alongside of me wuz a lady and she had the purtiest littlebaby I calculate I'd ever seen in all my born days, I wanted to besociable with the little feller so I jist sort of waved my hand at him, and sed how-d'e-do baby, and that lady just looked et me scornful likeand sed "rubber, " wall I wuz never more sot back, I guess you couldhave knocked me down with a feather, I thought it was a genuine baby, Ididn't know the little thing was rubber. 

Wall I noticed up in one end of the car thar wuz a little round masheen, and the conductor had a clothes line tied to it, and every time he gota nickel he'd yank on that clothes line, and fust it sed in and then itsed out, I couldn't tell what all them little ins and outs meant, but Ijist cum to the conclusion it showed how much the conductor wuz in andthe company wuz out. 

Wall I got to talkin' to that feller on the front end of the car, and hewuz a purty nice sort of a feller, he showed me how every thing workedand told me all about it, wall when I got off I sed--good bye, mister, hope I'll see you agin some time, and he sed, "oh, I'll run across youone of these days, " I told him by gosh he wouldn't run across me if Iseen him a comin'. 

My Fust Pair of Copper Toed Boots

 THAR'S a feelin' of pleasure, mixed in with some pain, That over my memory scoots, When I think of my boyhood days once again

 And my fust pair of copper toed boots. 

 How our folks stood around when I fust tried them on, And bravely marched out on the floor, And father remarked "thar a mighty good fit

 And the best to be had at the store. "

 That night, I remember, I took them to bed, With the rest of us little galoots, And among other things in my prars which I sed

 Wuz a reference to copper toed boots. 

 And then in the mornin' the fust one on hand

 Wuz me and my new acquisition, And thar wuzn't a spot in the house that I missed, From the garret clar down to the kitchen. 

 Then with feelin's expandin', and huntin' fer room, I concluded I'd help do the chores;

 Fer I felt as though somethin' wuz goin' to bust

 If I didn't git right out of doors. 

 But those boots they were new, and the ice it wuz slick, And I couldn't get one way or tother, And I jist had to stand right there in one spot

 And holler like thunder fer mother. 

 But trouble's a blessing sometimes in disguise

 Fer I larned right thar on the spot, That the best sort of knowledge to hav in this world

 Is that by experience taught. 

 So though many years have since passed away, And I've ventured on various routes, I'm still tryin' things jist as risky today

 As my fust pair of copper toed boots. 

Uncle Josh in Police Court

I NEVER wuz in a town in my life what had as many cort houses in it asNew York has got. It jist seemed to me like every judge in New York hada cort house of his own, and most of them cort houses seemed to be alongside of some markit house. Thar wuz the Jefferson Markit Cort, and theEssicks Markit Cort, and several other corts and markits, and markitsand corts, I can't remember now. Wall, I used to be Jestice of the Peecedown home at Punkin Center, and I wuz a little anxious to see how theyhandled law and jestice in New York City, so one mornin' I went down toone of them cort houses, and thar wuz more different kinds ofpeople in thar than I ever seen afore. Thar wuz all kinds ofnationalitys--Norweegans, Germans, Sweeds, Hebrews, and Skandynavians, Irish and colored folks, old and young, dirty and clean, good, bad andworse. The Judge, he wuz a sottin' up on the bench, and a sayin, : "Tendays; ten dollars; Geery society; foundlin' asylum; case dismissed;bring in the next prisoner, " and the Lord only knows what else. Wall, some of the cases they tried in that cort house made me snicker rightout loud. They brought in a little Irish feller, and the Judge sed:"Prisoner, what is your name?" And the little Irish feller sed: "Judge, your honor, my name is McGiness, Patrick McGiness. " And the Judge sed:"Mr. McGiness, what is your occupation?" And the little Irish fellersed: "Judge, your honor, I am a sailor. " The Judge sed: "Mr. McGiness, you don't look to me as though you ever saw a ship in all your life. "And the little Irish feller sed: "Wall Judge, your honor, if I never sawa ship in me life, do you think I cum over from Ireland in a wagon?" TheJudge sed: "Case dismissed. Bring in the next prisoner. "

Wall, the next prisoner what they brought in had sort of an impedimentin his talk, and the way he stuttered jist beat all. The Judge sed:"Prisoner, what is your name?" And the prisoner sed: "Jd-Jd-J-J-Judge, yr-yr-yo-yo-your h-h-h-hon-hon-honor, m-mm-my-my n-n-na-na-nameis-is-is----. " The Judge sed: "Never mind, that will do. Officer, whatis this prisoner charged with?" And the officer sed: "Judge, your honor, the way he talks sounds to me like he might be charged with sody water. "Gosh, I got to laffin' so I had to git right out of the cort house. 

It sort of made me think of a law soot we had down hum when Jim Lawsonwuz Jestice of the Peece. You see it wuz like this: One spring SiPettingill wuz goin' out to Mizoori to be gone 'bout a year, and he'dsold off 'bout all his things 'cept one cow, and he didn't want to partwith the cow, 'cause she wuz a mighty good milker, so he struck a barginwith Lige Willet. Lige wuz to keep the cow, paster and feed her, andgenerally take keer on her fer the milk she giv. Wall, finally Si cumhum, and he went to Lige's place one day and sed: "Wall, Lige, I've cumover to git my cow. " And Lige sed: "Cum after your cow? Wall, if you'vegot any cow round here I'll be durned if I know it. " Si sed: "Wall, Lige, I left my cow with you. " And Lige sed: "Wall, that's a year ago, and she's et her head off two or three times since then. " So Si sed:"Wall, Lige, you've had her milk fer her keep. " And Lige sed: "Milk bedurned, she went dry three weeks after you left, and she ain't give anymilk since, and near as I can figger it out, seems to me as how I'vepestered her and fed her all this time, she's my cow. " Si sed: "No, Lige, that wa'nt the bargin. " But Lige sed: "Bargin or no bargin, I'vegot her, and seein' as how posession is 'bout nine points in the law, I'm goin' to keep her. "

So they went to law about it, and all Punkin Centre turned out to heerthe trial. Wall, after Jim Lawson had heered both sides of the case, hesed: "The Cort is compelled, from the evidence sot forth in this case, to find for the plaintiff, the aforesaid Silas Pettingill, as agin' thedefendant, the aforesaid Elijah Willet. We find from the evidence sotforth that the cow critter in question is a valuable critter, and wuthmore 'n a year's paster and keep, and, tharfore, it is the verdict ofthis cort that the aforesaid defendant, Elijah Willet, shall keep thecow two weeks longer, and then she is hisn. "

Uncle Josh at Coney Island

I'D heerd tell a whole lot at various times 'bout that place what theycall Coney Iland, and while I wuz down In New York, I jist made up mymind I wuz a goin' to see it, so one day I got on one of them keerswhat goes across the Brooklyn bridge, and I started out for Coney Iland. Settin' right along side of me in the keer wuz an old lady, and sheseemed sort of figity 'bout somethin' or other, and finaly she sed tome "mister, do these cars stop when we git on the other side of thebridge?" I sed, wall now if they don't you'll git the durndest bump youever got in your life. 

Wall we got on the other side, and I got on one of them tra-la-lu carswhat goes down to Coney Iland. I give the car feller a dollar, and heput it in his pockit jist the same as if it belonged to him. Wall, whenI wuz gittin' purty near thar I sed, Mister, don't I git any change? Hesed, "didn't you see that sign on the car?" I sed, no sir. Wall he sez"you better go out and look at it. "

Wall I went out and looked at it, and that settled it. It sed "This cargoes to Coney Iland without change. " Guess it did; I'll be durned if Igot any. 

Wall we got down thar, and I must say of all the pandemonium and hubbubI ever heered in my life, Coney Iland beats it all. Bout the fust thingI seen thar wuz a place what they called "Shoot the Shoots. " It lookedlike a big hoss troff stood on end, one end in a duck pond and totherend up in the air, and they would haul a boat up to the top and allgit in and then cum scootin' down the hoss troff into the pond. Wall Ialowed that ud be right smart fun, so I got into one of the boats alongwith a lot of other folks I never seed afore and don't keer if I neversee agin. They yanked us up to the top of that troff and then turned usloose, and I jist felt as though the whole earth had run off and leftus. We went down that troff lickety split, and a woman what wuz settin'alongside of me, got skeered and grabbed me round the neck; and I sed, you let go of me you brazen female critter. But she jist hung on andhollered to beat thunder, and everybody wuz a yellin' all to onct, andthat durned boat wuz a goin' faster'n greased lightnin' and I had onehand on my pockit book and tother on my hat, and we went kerslap dabinto that duck pond, and the durned boat upsot and we went into thewater, and that durned female critter hung onto me and hollered "saveme, I'm jist a drownin'. " Wall the water wasn't very deep and I jiststarted to wade out when along cum another boat and run over us, andunder we went ker-souse. Wall I managed to get out to the bank, and thatfemale woman sed I was a base vilian to not rescue a lady from a waterygrave. And I jist told her if she had kept her mouth shet she wouldn'thav swallered so much of the pond. 

Wall they had one place what they called the Middle Way Plesumps, andanother place what they called The Streets of Caro, and they had a lotof shows a goin' on along thar. Wall I went into one of 'em and sotdown, and I guess if they hadn't of shet up the show I'd a bin sottin'thar yet. I purty near busted my buttins a laffin'. They had a lot ofgals a dancin' some kind of a dance; I don't know what they called it, but it sooted me fust rate. When I got home, the more I thought about itthe more I made up my mind I'd learn that dance. Wall I went out in thecorn field whar none of the neighbors could see me, and I'll be durnedif I didn't knock down about four akers of corn, but I never got thatdance right. I wuz the talk of the whole community; mother didn't speakto me fer about a week, and Aunt Nancy Smith sed I wuz a burnin' shameand a disgrace to the village, but I notice Nancy has asked me a goodmany questions about jist how it was, and I wouldn't wonder if we didn'tfind Nancy out in the cornfield one of these days. 

Uncle Josh at the Opera

WALL, I sed to mother when I left hum, now mother, when I git down toNew York City I'm goin' to see a regular first-class theater. We neverhad many theater doin's down our way. Wall, thar wuz a theater troopcum to Punkin Centre along last summer, but we couldn't let 'em hav theOpery House to show in 'cause it wuz summer time and the Opery House wuzfull of hay, and we couldn't let 'em hav it 'cause we hadn't any placeto put the hay. An then about a year and a half ago thar wuz a troop cumalong that wuz somethin' about Uncle Tom's home; they left a good manyof their things behind 'em when they went away. Ezra Hoskins he got oneof the mules, and he tried to hitch it up one day; Doctor says he thinksEzra will be around in about six weeks. I traded one of the dogs toRuben Hendricks fer a shot gun; Rube cum over t'other day, borrowed thegun and shot the dog. 

Wall, I got into one of your theaters here, got sot down and wuz lookin'at it; and it wuz a mighty fine lookin' pictur with a lot of lightsshinin' on it, and I wuz enjoyin' it fust rate, when a lot of fellerscum out with horns and fiddles, and they all started in to fiddlin' andtootin', end all to once they pulled the theatre up, and thar wuz a lotof folks having a regular family quarrel. I knowed that wasn't any ofmy business, and I sort of felt uneasy like; but none of the rest ofthe folks seemed to mind it any, so I calculated I'd see how it cum out, though my hands sort of itched to get hold of one feller, 'cause I couldsee if he would jest go 'way and tend to his own business thar wouldn'tbe any quarrel. Wall, jest then a young feller handed me a piece ofpaper what told all about the theater doin's, and I got to lookin' atthat and I noticed on it whar it sed thar wuz five years took place'tween the fust part and the second part. I knowed durned well Iwouldn't have time to wait and see the second part, so I got up and wentout. Wall, them theater doin's jest put me in mind of somethin' whathappened down hum on the last day of school. You see the school teachergot all the big boys and the big girls, and the boys they read essaysand the girls recited poetry. One of the Skinner girls recited a piecethat sooted me fust rate. Neer as I kin remember it went somethin' likethis:

 How nice to hear the bumble-bee When you go out a fishin', But if you happen to sot down on him, He'll spoil your disposition. 

I liked that; thar wuz somethin' so touchin' about it. Then the schoolteacher he got all the girls in the 'stronomy class and he dressedthem up to represent the different kinds of planits. He had one girl torepresent the sun--she wuz red-headed; and another one to represent themoon, and another one fer Mars, and another one fer Jerupetir, and itlooked mighty fine, and everythin' wuz a gettin' along fust rate 'tilold Jim Lawson 'lowed he could make an improvement on it; so he went outand got a colord girl, and he wanted to sot her between the sun and themoon and make an eklips. And as usual he busted up the whole doin's. 

Uncle Josh at Delmonico's

I USED to hear the summer boarders tell a whole lot about a place herein New York kept by Mr. Delmonico. Thar's bin about ten thousand summerboarders down to Punkin Centre one time and another, and I guess I'vecarried the bundles and stood the grumblin' from about all of them; andwhen anyone of 'em would find fault with anythin' I used to ast him wharhe boarded at in New York, and they all told me at Mr. Delmonico's;so I'd cum to the conclusion that Mr. Delmonico must hav a right smartpurty good sized tavern; and I sed to mother--now mother, when I gitdown to New York that's whar I'm goin' to board, at Mr. Delmonico's. 

Wall, I got a feller to show me whar it wuz, and when I got on theinside I don't s'pose I wuz ever more sot back in all my life; guess youcould have knocked my eyes off with a club; they stuck out like bumpson a log. Wall sir, they had flowers and birds everywhere, and trees asettin' in wash tubs, didn't look to me as though they would stand muchof a gale; and about a hundred and fifty patent wind mills runnin' allto onct, and out in the woods somewhar they had a band a-playin'. Icouldn't see 'em but I could hear 'em; guess some of 'em wuz a havin'a dance to settle down their dinner; I couldn't tell whether it was asociety festival or a camp meetin' at feedin' time. Wall, one feller cumup to me and commenced talkin' some furrin language I didn't understand, somethin' about bon-sour, mon-sour. I jist made up my mind he wuz one ofthem bunco fellers, and I wouldn't talk to him. Then another feller cumup right smart like and wanted to know if I'd hav my dinner table dehotel or all over a card, and I told him if it wuz all the same to himhe could bring me my dinner on a plate. Wall, he handed me a programmeof the dinner and I et about half way down it and drank a bottle ofcider pop what he give me, and it got into my head, and I never felt sodurn good in all my life. I got to singin' and I danced Old Dan Tuckerright thar in the dinin' room, and I took a wrestle out of Mr. Bon-sourmon-sour; and jist when I got to enjoyin' myself right good, they calledin a lot of constables, and it cost me sixteen dollars and forty-fivecents, and then they took me out ridin' in a little blue wagon with abell on it, and they kept ringin' the bell every foot of the way to letfolks know I wuz one of Mr. Delmonico's boarders. 

It is Fall

 THE days are gettin' shorter, and the summer birds are leaving, The wind sighs in the tree tops, as though all nature was grieving;

 The leaves they drop in showers, there's a blue haze over all, And a feller is reminded that once again it's Fall. 

 It is a glorious season, the crops most gathered in, The wheat is in the granary and the oats are in the bin;

 A feller jest feels splendid, right in harmony with all, The old cider mill a-humin', 'gosh, I know it's Fall. 

 I hear the Bob White whistlin' down by the water mill, While dressed in gorgeous colors is each valley, knoll and hill;

 The cows they are a-lowing, as they slowly wander home, And the hives are just a-bustin' with the honey in the comb. 

 Soon be time for huskin' parties, or an apple paring bee, And the signs of peace and plenty are just splendid for to see;

 The flowers they are drooping, soon there won't be none at all, Old Jack Frost has nipped them, and by that I know it's Fall. 

 The muskrat has built himself a house down by the old mill pond, The squirrels are laying up their store from the chestnut trees beyond;

 While walking through the orchard I can hear the ripe fruit fall;

 There's an air of quiet comfort that only comes with Fall. 

 The wind is cool and bracing, and it makes you feel first-rate, And there's work to keep you going from early until late;

 So you feel like giving praises unto Him who doeth all, Nature heaps her blessings on you at this season, and it's Fall. 

 The nights are getting frosty and the fire feels pretty good, I like to see the flames creep up among the burning wood;

 Away across the hilltops I can hear the hoot owl call, He is looking for his supper, I guess he knows its Fall. 

 And though the year is getting old and the trees will soon be bare, There's a satisfactory feeling of enough and some to spare;

 For there's still some poor and needy who for our help do call, So we'll share with them our blessings and be thankful that it's Fall. 

Si Pettingill's Brooms

WALL, one day jist shortly after sap season wuz over, we wuz all sottin'round Ezra Hoskins's store, talkin' on things in general, when up droveSi Pettingill with a load of brooms. Wall, we all took a long breath, and got ready to see some as tall bargainin' as wuz ever done in PunkinCentre. 'Cause Si, he could see a bargain through a six-inch plank ona dark night, and Ezra could hear a dollar bill rattle in a bag offeathers a mile off, and we all felt mighty sartin suthin' wuz a goin'to happen. Wall, Si, he sort er stood 'round, didn't say much, and Ezragot most uncommonly busy--he had more business than a town marshal oncircus day. 

Wall, after he had sold Aunt Nancy Smith three yards of caliker, andRuben Hendricks a jack-knife, and swapped Jim Lawson a plug of tobackerfer a muskrat hide, he sed: "How's things over your way, Si?" Siremarked: "things wuz 'bout as usual, only the water had bin mostuncommon high, White Fork had busted loose and overflowed everything, Sprosby's mill wuz washed out, and Lige Willits's paster wuz all underwater, which made it purty hard on the cows, and Lige had to strain themilk two or three times to git the minnews out of it. Whitaker's young'uns wuz all havin' measles to onct, and thar wuz a revival goin' onat the Red Top Baptist church, and most every one had got religion, andthings wuz a runnin' 'long 'bout as usual. "

Deacon Witherspoon sed: "Did you git religion, Si?" Si sed: "No, Deacon;I got baptized, but it didn't take--calculated I might as well have itdone while thar wuz plenty of water. "

"Thought I'd cum over today, Ezra; I've got some brooms I'd like to sellye. " Ezra sed: "Bring 'em in, Si, spring house cleanin' is comin' on andI'll most likely need right smart of brooms, so jist bring 'em in. " Sised: "Wall, Ezra, don't see as thar's any need to crowd the mourners, can't we dicker on it a little bit; I want cash fer these brooms, Ezra, I don't want any store trade fer 'em. " Ezra sed: "Wall, I don't know'bout that, Si; seems to me that's a gray hoss of another color, Ialways gin ye store trade fer your eggs, don't I?" Si sed: "Y-a-s--, andthat's a gray hoss of another color; ye never seen a hen lay brooms, did ye? Brooms is sort of article of commerce, Ezra, and I want cash fer'em. " Wall, Ezra, he looked 'round the store and thot fer a spell, andthen he sed: "Tell ye what I'll do, Si; I'll gin ye half cash and theother half trade, how'll that be?" Si sed: "Guess that'll be all right, Ezra. Whar will I put the brooms?" Ezra sed: "Put them in the back endof the store, Si, and stack 'em up good; I hadn't got much room, andI've got a lot of things comin' in from Boston and New York. " Wall, after Si had the brooms all in, he sed: "Wall, thar they be, five dozenon 'em. " Ezra sed: "Sure thar's five dozen?" Si sed: "Yas; counted 'emon the wagon, counted 'em off agin, and counted 'em when I made 'em. " SoEzra sed: "Wall, here's your money; now what do you want in trade?"Si looked 'round fer a spell and sed: "I don't know, Ezra; don't seeanything any of our folks pertickerly stand in need on. If it's all thesame to you, Ezra, I'll take BROOMS?"

Wall, Jim Lawson fell off'n a wash-tub and Ruben Hendricks cut histhumb with his new jack-knife, and Deacon Witherspoon sed: "No, Si, thatbaptizin' didn't take. " And Ezra--wall, it wan't his say. 

 Suspicion--Consists mainly of thinking what we would do if we wuz in the other feller's place. --Punkin Centre Philosophy. 

Uncle Josh Plays Golf

WALL, about two weeks ago the boys sed to me, Uncle we'd like to havyou cum out and play a game of golf. Wall, they took me out behind thewoodshed whar mother couldn't see us and them durned boys dressed youruncle up in the dogondest suit of clothes I ever had on in my life. Ihad on a pair of socks that had more different colors in 'em than inJoseph's coat. I looked like a cross atween a monkey and a cirkus rider, and a-goin' across the medder our turkey gobbler took after me and I hadan awful time with that fool bird. I calculate as how I'll git even withhim 'bout Thanksgiving time. 

Wall, the boys took me into the paster, and they had it all dug up intowhat they called a "T, " and they had a wheelbarrer full of little Injunwar clubs. They called one a nibbler, and another a brassie, and a lotof other fool names I never heerd afore, and can't remember now. Thenthey brought out a little wooden ball 'bout as big as a hen's egg, andthey stuck it up on a little hunk of mud. Then they told me to take oneof them thar war clubs and stand alongside of the ball and hit it. Wall, I jist peeled off my coat and got a good holt on that war club and Ijist whaled away at that durned little ball, and by gum I missed it, andthe boys all commenced to holler "foozle. "

Wall, I got a little bit riled and I whaled away at it again, and I hitit right whar I missed it the fust time, and I whirled round and sotdown so durned hard I sot four back teeth to akin, and I pawed round inthe air and knocked a lot of it out of place. I hit myself on the shinand on the pet corn at the same time, and them durned boys wuz jista-rollin' round on the ground and a-hollerin' like Injuns. Wall, I begunto git madder 'n a wet hen, and I 'lowed I'd knock that durned littleball way over into the next county. So I rolled up my sleeves and spiton my hands and got a good holt on that war club and I whaled away atthat little ball agin, and by chowder I hit it. I knocked it clar overinto Deacon Witherspoon's paster, and hit his old muley cow, and she gotskeered and run away, jumped the fence and went down the road, and thedurned fool never stopped a-runnin' 'til she went slap dab into EzraHoskins' grocery store, upsot four gallons of apple butter into a keg ofsoft soap, and sot one foot into a tub of mackral, and t'other foot intoa box of winder glass, and knocked over Jim Lawson who wuz sottin' on acracker barrel, and broke his durned old wooden leg, and then she wentright out through the winder and skeered Si Pettingill's hosses that wuza standin' thar, and they run away and smashed his wagon into kindlin'wood' and Silas has sued me fer damages, and mother won't speak to me, and Jim he wants me to buy him a new wooden leg, and the neighbors allsay as how I ought to be put away some place fer safe keepin', and AuntNancy Smith got so excited she lost her glass eye and didn't find itfor three or four days, and when she did git it the boys wuz a-playin'marbles with it and it wuz all full of gaps, and Jim Lawson he trimmedit up on the grindstane and it don't fit Nancy any more, and she has tosort of put it in with cotton round it to bold it, and the cotton worksout at the corners and skeers the children and every time I see Nancythat durned eye seems to look at me sort of reproachful like, and allI know about playin' golf is, the feller what knocks the ball so durnedfar you can't find it or whar it does the most damage, wins the game. 

Jim Lawson's Hogs

WHEN it cum to raisin' hogs, I don't s'pose thar wuz ever enybody inPunkin Centre that had quite so much trouble as Jim Lawson. One fall Jimhad a right likely bunch of shoats, but somehow or other he couldn't git'em fat, it jist seemed like the more he fed 'em the poorer they got, and Jim he wuz jist about worried clar down to a shadder. He kept givin'them hogs medecin' and feedin' of 'em everything he could think on, butit wan't no use; every day or so one of 'em would lay down and die. Allthe neighbors would cum and lean over the fence, and talk to Jim, andgive him advice, but somehow them hogs jist kept on a-dyin', and nobodycould see what wuz alin' of 'em, 'til one day Jim cum over to EzraHoskins's store, and he looked as tickled as though he'd found a dollar, and he sed: "I want you all to cum over to my place; I've found outwhat's alin' them hogs. " Deacon Witherspoon sed: "Wall, what is it, Jim?" and Jim sed: "Wall, you see the ground over in my hog lot is purtysoft, and when it rains it gits right smart muddy, and the mud gits onthem hogs' tails, and that mud it gits more mud, and finally they gitso much mud on their tails that it draws their skin so tight that theycan't shet their eyes, and them hogs air jist a-dyin' fer the want ofsleep. "

Wall, the followin' winter Jim had his hogs all fat and ready fermarkit, and he jist conclooded he'd drive 'em to Concord. Wall, hestarted out, and when he'd drov 'em two whole days he met old JabezWhitaker. Jabe sed: "Whar you goin' with your hogs, Jim?" Jim sed:"Goin' to Concord, Jabez. " Jabez sed "Wall, now, I want to know. That'swhat cums from not readin' the papers. Why, Jim, they've got more hogsup Concord way than they know what to do with. Lige Willit took his hogsup thar, and Eben Sprosby took his'n, and Concord's jist chuck full ofhogs, and so consequintly the markit's away down in Concord. But thepaper sez it's good in Manchester, and you'd make money, Jim, by goin'thar. " So Jim shifted his chew of terbacker over to the northeast, andsed: "Wall, boys, I calculate we'll hav to go to Manchester, so jisthead the hogs off and turn them round. " Wall, they druv them hogs 'boutthree days towards Manchester, and jist 'bout when they wuz gittin'thar, along cum Caleb Skinner, and he sed: "Wall, thunder andfish-hooks, whar be you a-goin', Jim. " And Jim sed: "As near as he couldfigure it out from his present bearin's, he wuz most likely goin' toManchester. " And Caleb sed: "What fer?" Jim sed: "Didn't know exactlywhat all he wuz goin' fer, but if he ever got thar, he'd most likelysell his hogs. " And Caleb sed: "Wall, your goin' to the wrong town. Manchester has got a quarantine agin' any more hogs comin' in, 'cos whathogs they is thar has all got colery, and you'd better go to Concord. Besides the paper says markit is purty well up in Concord. " Wall, Jimsed a good many things that wouldn't sound good at a prayer meetin', and then he sed: "Wall, boys, gess we'll start back fer Concord, soturn round. " Wall, they went along 'bout two days, and them poor hogscouldn't stand it no longer 'cos they wuz jist clean tuckered out, soJim had to sell 'em to Josiah Martin fer what he could git, 'cos it wuzjist right at Josiah's place whar the hogs gin out, and thar wan't noway of moovin' them from thar fer some time to cum. 

Wall, along 'bout two weeks after that we wuz all over to Ezra Hoskins'sstore, and some one sed: "Jim, you didn't do very well with your hogsthis year, did you?" And Jim sed: "Oh, I don't know; that's jist owin'to how you look at it. I never caught up to that blamed markit, but Ihad the society of the hogs fer two weeks. "

Uncle Josh and the Lightning Rod Agent

WALL I s'pose I git buncode offener than any feller what ever lived inPunkin Centre. A short time ago we wanted to build a new town hall, andcalculated we'd have a brick building; and some one sed, "Wall now, ifyou'll jist wait 'til Josh Weathersby makes another trip or two down toNew York thar'll be gold bricks enuff a-layin' 'round Punkin Centre tobuild a new town hall. "

Wall, one day last summer I wuz a sottin' out on my back porch, whenalong cum one of them thar lightning rod agents. Wall, he jist cum rightup and commenced a-talkin' at me jist as if he'd bin the town marshalor a tax assessor, or like he'd known me all his life. He sed, "My dearsir, I am astonished at you. I've looked over your entire premises andI find you haven't got a lightning rod on any buildin' that you possess. Why, my dear sir, don't you know you are flyin' right in the face ofProvidence? Don't you know that lightning may strike at any time anddemolish everything within the sound of my voice? Don't you know you arecriminally negligent? Why, my dear sir, I am astonished to think that aman of your jedgment and good common sense should allow yourself to----"Wall, about that time I'd got my breath and wits at the same time, and Ised, "Now hold on, gosh durn ye, what hav ye got to sell anyhow?" Wall, he told me he had some lightnin' rods, and he brought out a littlemasheen and told me to take hold of the handles and he'd show me what apowerful thing 'lectricity wuz. Wall, I took hold of them handles and heturned on a crank, and that durned masheen jist made me dance all overthe porch, and it wouldn't let go. Gee whiz, I felt as though I'd fellin a yeller jacket's nest, and about four thousand of 'em wuz a stingin'me all to onct. Wall, I told him I guessed he could put up a lightningrod or two, seein' as how I didn't hav any. Wall, he went to work andI went over to Ezra Hoskins', and when I got back home my place wuz asight to behold; it looked like a harrer turned upside down. Thar wuzseven lightning rods on the barn, one on the hen house, one on the corncrib, one on the smoke house, two on the granery, three on the kitchen, six on my house, and one on the crab apple tree, and when I got tharthat durned fool had the old muley cow cornered up a-tryin' to put alightnin' rod on her. Wall, I paid him fer what he had done, and thankedthe Lord he hadn't done any more. Wall, he got me to sine a paperwhat sed he had done a good job, and he sed he had to show that to thecompany. 

Wall, about a week after that we had a thunder storm, and I think thelightnin' struck everything on the place except the spring wagon and oldmuley cow, and they didn't have any lightnin' rod on 'em. Wall I thoughtI wuz a-gittin' off mighty lucky til next day, when along cum a fellerwith that paper what I had sined, and durned if it wan't a note fer sixhundred dollars, and by gosh if I didn't hav to pay it!

Buncode agin, by chowder!

 Energy--There is a lot of energy in this life that wasted. I notis that the man who has a good strong pipe most usually rides in front. --Punkin Centre Philosophy. 

A Meeting of the Annanias Club

WALL, sometimes a lot of us old codgers used to git down to EzraHoskins' grossery store and we'd sot 'round and chaw terbacker andwhittle sticks and eat crackers and cheese and proons and anything Ezrahappened to have layin' 'round loos, and then we'd git to spinnin' yarnsthat would jist about put Annanias and Safiry right out of businessif they wuz here now. Wall, one afternoon we wuz all settin' 'roundspinnin' yarns when Deacon Witherspoon sed that eckos wuz mightypeculiar things, cos down whar he wuz born and raised thar wuz a passellof hills cum together and you couldn't git out thar and talk louder 'na whisper on account of the ecko. But one day a summer boarder what wuzthar remarked as how he wasn't afraid to talk right out in meetin' infront of any old lot of hills what wuz ever created; so he went out andhollered jist as loud as he could holler, and he started a ecko a-goin'and it flew up agin one hill and bounced off onto another one andgittin' bigger and louder all the time 'til it got back whar it startedfrom and hit a stone quarry and knocked off a piece of stone and hitthat feller in the head, and he didn't cum too fer over three hours. Wall, we thought that wuz purty good fer a Deacon. Wall, none of us sedanything fer a right smart spell and then Si Pettingill remarked "hedidn't know anything about eckos, but he calculated he'd seen somemighty peculiar things; sed he guessed he'd seen it rain 'bout as hardas anybody ever seen it rain. " Someone sed, "Wall, Si, how hard did youever see it rain?" and he sed, "Wall one day last summer down our way itgot to rainin' and it rained so hard that the drops jist rubbed togethercomin' down, which made them so allfired hot that they turned intosteam; why, it rained so gosh dinged hard, thar wuz a cider bar'l layin'out in the yard that had both heads out'n it and the bung hole up; wall, it rained so hard into that bung hole that the water couldn't run out ofboth ends of the bar'l fast enough, and it swelled up and busted. " Wall, we all took a fresh chew of terbacker and nudged each other; and EzraHoskins sed he didn't remember as how he'd ever seen it rain quite sohard as that, but he'd seen some mighty dry weather; he sed one timewhen he wuz out in Kansas it got so tarnation dry that fish a-swimmin'up the river left a cloud of dust behind them. And hot, too; why, it gotso allfired hot that one day he tied his mule to a pen of popcorn outbehind the barn, and it got so hot that the corn got to poppin' andflyin' 'round that old mule's ears and he thought it wuz snow and laiddown and froze to death. Wall, about that time old Jim Lawson commencedto show signs of uneasiness, and someone sed, "What is it, Jim?" andJim remarked, as he shifted his terbacker and cut a sliver off from hiswooden leg, "I wuz a-thinkin' about a cold spell we had one winterwhen we wuz a-livin' down Nantucket way. It wuz hog killin' time, if Iremember right; anyhow, we had a kittle of bilin' water sottin' on thefire, and we sot it out doors to cool off a little, and that water frozeso durned quick that the ice wuz hot. "

Ezra sed, "Guess its 'bout shettin' up time. "

Jim Lawson's Hoss Trade

SPEAKIN' of hoss tradin', now Jim Lawson was calculated to be about thebest hoss trader in Punkin Centre. Yes, Jim he could sot up on a fence, chew terbacker, whittle a stick, and jist about swap ye outen youreye-teeth, if you'd listen to him. 

Yas, Jim wuz some punkins on a swap; Jim 'd swap anything he had feranything he didn't want, jist to be swappin'. 

Wall, a gypsy cum along one day and tackled Jim fer a swap; and aboutthat time Jim he'd got hold of a critter that had more cussedness in himto the squar inch than any critter we'd ever sot eyes on, 'cept a cirkusmule that Ezra Hoskins owned. 

Wall, the gypsy traded Jim a mighty fine lookin' critter, and we allcalculated that Jim had right smart of a bargain, 'til one day Jim wentto ride him, 'n he found out if he fetched the peskey critter on thesides he'd squat right down. Wall, Jim knowed if he didn't git rid ofthat hoss, his reputation as a hoss trader wuz forever gone; so he wentover in t'other township to see old Deacon Witherspoon. You see theDeacon he wuz mighty fond of goin' a-huntin', and as he had rheumatizpurty bad it wuz sort of hard fer him to git 'round, so he had to dohis huntin' on hoss back. Wall, Jim didn't say much to fuss, just kinderhinted around that huntin' was a-goin' to be mighty good this fall, coshe'd seen one or two flocks of partridges over back of Sprosby's medder, and some right smart of quail over by Buttermilk ford, and finally hesed: "Deacon, I've got a hoss you ought to hev; he's a setter. " Wall, you could hav knocked the Deacon's eyes off with a club, they stuck outlike bumps on a log, and he sed, "Why, Jim, I never heered tell of secha thing in all my life; the idea of a horse being a setter!" Jimsed, "Yes, Deacon, he's bin trained to set for all kinds of game. Icalculated as how I'd git a shotgun this fall and do right smart ofhunting. " So the Deacon sed, "Wall, now, I want to know; bring him over, Jim, I'd like to see him. "

Wall, Jim took the hoss over, and all Punkin Centre jest sort of heldits breath to see how it would cum out. 

Jim and the Deacon went a-hunting, and as they wuz a-ridin' alongthrough the timber down by Ruben Hendrick's paster, Jim keepin' his eyespeeled and not sayin' much, when all to onct he seen a rabbit settin'in a brush heap, and he jist tetched the old hoss on the sides and hesquatted right down. The Deacon sed, "Why, what's the matter of yourhoss, Jim, look what he be a doin'. " Jim sed, "'Sh, Deacon, don't yousee that rabbit over thar in the brush heap? the old hoss is a-settin'of him. " Deacon sed, "Wall, now that's the most remarkable thing I everseen in my life; how'd you like to trade, Jim?" Jim sed, "Wall, Deacon, I hadn't calculated on disposin' of the hoss, but I ain't much of a handat huntin', and seein' as how it's you, if you want him I'll trade you, Deacon, fifty dollars to boot. "

Wall, the Deacon had a mighty fine animal, but he sed, "I'll trade you, Jim. " They traded hosses, and when they wuz a-comin' home they had toford the crick what runs back of Punkin Centre, and when the old hosswuz a-wadin' through the water, Deacon went to pull his feet up to keepthem from gettin' wet, and he tetched the old boss on the sides and hesquatted right down in the crick. Deacon sed, "Now look a-here, Jim, what's the matter with this ungodly brute, he ain't a-settin' now behe?" Jim sed, "Yes he is, Deacon, he sees fish in the water; tell youhe's trained to set fer suckers same as fer rabbits, Deacon; oh, he'shad a thorough eddication. "

 Paradox--I can't exactly describe it, but it looks to me like a tramp who once told me how to be successful in life. --Punkin Centre Philosophy. 

A Meeting of the School Directors

WE had bin havin' a good deal of argufyin' about the school house. Yousee it had got to be a sort of a tumble-down ram-shackle sort of anaffair, and when it wuz bad weather we couldn't have school in it, 'cause you might jist as well be a sittin' under a siv when it rained asto be a settin' in that school house. Wall, it wuz a-cummin' along thefall term, and we wanted our boys and girls to git all the schoolin'an' eddication what they could; so we called a meetin' of the schooldirectors to devise ways and means of buildin' a new school-housewithout stoppin' school. Wall, we all met down at the school-house; tharwuz Deacon Witherspoon, Ezra Hoskins, Ruben Hendricks, Si Pettingill, old Jim Lawson and me. Before we commenced debatin' and argufyin' on thematter, Si Pettingill alowed he'd sing a song. Wall, he got up and sangthe durndest old-fashioned song I calculate I ever heered in my life;went somethin' like this:

 Oh a frog went a courtin' and he did ride, oohoo--oohoo. Oh a frog went a courtin' and he did ride, With a sword and a pistol by his side, oohoo--oohoo. He rode till he came to the mouse's door, oohoo--oohoo, He rode till he came to the mouse's door, And there he knelt upon the floor, oohoo--oohoo. He took Miss Mousey on his knee, oohoo--oohoo. He took Miss Mousey on his knee, Said he, Missy Mouse will you marry me? oohoo--oohoo. 

Wall, we headed Si off right thar; I guess if we hadn't he'd bin singin'about that frog and the mouse yet. Wall, jist then old Jim Lawson hesed, "I make a moshen;" and Deacon Witherspoon, he wuz chairman, and hesed, "Now look here, young feller, don't you make any moshens at me ordurned if I don't git down thar and flop you in about a minnit. You takeyour feet off'n that desk and that corncob pipe out'n your mouth, andconduct yourself with dignity and decorum, and address the chairman ofthis yere meetin' in a manner benttin' to his station. " Wall, Jim he gotright smart riled over the matter, and he sed, "Wall, you gosh durnedold gospel pirate, I want you to understand that I'm a member of thisbody, a citizen, a taxpayer and a honorably discharged servant of thegovernment, and I make a moshen that we build a new school-house out ofthe bricks of the old school-house, and I do further offer an amendmentto the original moshen, that we don't tear down the old schoolhouseuntil the new one is built. "

Wall, Deacon Witherspoon sed, "The gentleman is out of order;" and Jimsed, "I ain't so durned much out of order but that I kin trim you inabout two shakes of a dead sheep's tail. " Wall, before we knowed it, them two old cusses wuz at it. The Deacon he grabbed Jim and Jim hegrabbed the Deacon, and when we got 'em separated the Deacon he wuzstuck fast 'tween a desk and the woodbox, and Jim had his wooden legthrough a knot hole in the floor and couldn't get it out, and they'veboth gone to law about it. Jim says he's goin' to git out a writof corpus cristy fer the Deacon, and the Deacon says he's goin' toprosecute Jim for bigamy and arson and have him read out of the church. 

Wall, we've got the same old schoolhouse. 

 Justice--Those who hanker fer it would be generally better off if they didn't git it. --Punkin Centre Philosophy. 

The Weekly Paper at Punkin Centre

WALL, t'other day, down in New York, I wuz a-walkin' along on thatstreet what they call the broad way, when I cum to the Herald squarnoospaper buildin', and it wuz all winders and masheenery. Wall, I wuzjist flobgasted; I jist stood thar lookin' at it. On the front tharwuz a bell and a couple of fellers standin' along side of it with slegehammers in their hands, and every onct in a while they would go topoundin' on that bell, and folks 'd stand 'round and watch 'em do it;they reminded me of a couple of fellers splittin' rales. And all 'roundthe edge of the buildin' they had hoot owls sottin', with electric litesin their ize, and thar wuz no end to the masheenery in that buildin'. Ifanyone hed ever told me thar wuz that much masheenery in the whole worlddurned if I'd a-beleeved them; biggest masheen I'd ever seen beforewuz Si Pettingill's new thrashin' masheen. Wall, I jist stood thara-watchin' them printin' presses a-runnin'; paper goin' in to one endand cumin' out at t'other all printed and full of picters and folded upready to sell; it jist beat all the way they done it. Wall, we neverhad but one paper down home at Punkin Centre; we called it "The PunkinCentre Weakly Bugle;" old Jim Lawson he wuz editor of it. You see Jimhe wuz sort of a triflin' no 'count old cuss, so to keep him out ofmischief we made him editor. Wall, Jim he had his place up overEzra Hoskins' grossery store. He never got any money for thenoospaper--always got paid in produce, and Ezra's store wuz a mightygood place fer him to take in his subskriptions. Wall, things went alongpretty smooth fer quite a spell 'til one day a feller he cum in and giveJim a keg of hard cider fer a year's subskription to the noospaper, andwe all calculated right then that somethin' wuz a-goin' to happen;and sure enough it did. You see 'bout that time Jim had got twoadvertisements; one wuz fer Ruben Jackson's resterant and the other wuzthe time table of the Punkin Centre and Paw Paw Valley Railroad. Wall, Jim he got to drinkin' the hard cider and settin' type at the same time, and when the paper cum out on Thursday it wuz wuth goin' miles to see. Neer as I kin remember it sed that: "Ruben Jackson's resterant wouldleave the depo every mornin' at eight o'clock fer beefstake and muttonstews, and would change cars at White River Junkshen for mins and punkinpise, and cottage puddin' would be a flag stashen fer coffy and do nutslike mother used to make, and the train wouldn't run on Sundays cos thestashun agint what done the cookin' would have to run en extra on thatday over the chicken and ham sandwitch divishion. "

I believe that wuz the last issu of the Punkin Centre Weakly Bugle. 

 Enthusiasm--Sometimes inspired, sometimes acquired, sometimes the result of immediate surroundings, and sometimes the result of hard cider. --Punkin Centre Philosophy. 

Uncle Josh at a Camp Meeting

WALL, we've jist bin havin' a camp meeting at Punkin Centre. Yes, ferseveral days we wuz purty busy bakin' and cookin and makin' preparationsfer the camp meetin', and some of the committee alowed we ought to havelemonade fer the Sunday school children. Wall, as we wanted to git itjist as cheap as possible, we damed up the crick what runs back of thecamp meeting grounds, and put in ten pounds of brown sugar and half adozen lemons, and let the Sunday school children drink right out of thecrick, free of charge. Wall, we had right smart difficulty in gittin' apulpit fixed up fer the ministers, but finally we sawed down a hemlocktree and used the stump fer a pulpit. Wall, some of the sarmons preachedat that camp meetin' beat anything I ever heered in my life afore. Yousee we'd bin havin' a good many argyments 'bout corporations, monopoliesand trusts, and one minister got up and sed, "Ah, my dear belovedbrethren and sisters, we should not be too severe on the monopolists. If we read the scripters closely we observe our forefathers wuz allmonopolists. Adam and Eve had a monopoly upon the garden of Eden, and would have had it 'til this day, no doubt, had not Mother Eve gotsqueezed in the apple market. Yea, verily, Lot's wife had a corneron the salt market. And while Pharoe's daughter was not in the milkbusiness, yet we observe she took a great proffit out of the water; yea, verrily. " Most on us cum to the conclusion he wuz ridin' on a free pass. 

Samantha Hoskins concluded she would have to sing her favorit hymn; itwent something like this:

 "Oh you need not cum in the mornin', And neither in the heat of the day; But cum along in the evenin', Lord, And wash my sins away. 

 Chorus-- Standin' on the walls of Zion, Lookin' at my ship cum a sailln' ov{er}; Standin' on the walls of Zion, To see my ship cum in. "

Jist about that time Ruben Hendricks skeered a skunk out of a hollerlog. Si Pettingill stirred up a hornet's nest, Deacon Witherspoon sotdown in a huckleberry pie and Aunt Nancy Smith got a spider on her, andshe started in to yellin' and jumpin' like she had a fit, and two dogsgot to fitin', and old Jim Lawson he tried to git 'em apart and hestumped 'round and got his old wooden leg into a post hole and felldown, and the dogs got on top of him, and you couldn't tell which wuzJim nor which wuz dog; and durned if it didn't bust up the camp meetin'. 

The Unveiling of the Organ

 IT wuz down in Punkin Centre, I believe in eighty-nine, We had some doin's at the meetin' house, That we thought wuz purty fine;

 It wuz a great occasion, The choir, led by Sister Morgan, Had called us thar to witness The unveilin' of the organ. 

 In order fer to git it We'd bin savin' here and there, Lookin' forward to the time When we'd have music fer to spare, And as the time it had arrived, And the organ had cum, too, We had all of us assembled thar To hear what the thing could do. 

 Wall, it wuz a gorgeous instrument, In a handsome walnut case, And thar wuz expectation Pictured out on every face; Then when Deacon Witherspoon Had led us all in prayer, The congregation all stood up And Old Hundred rent the air. 

 Jist then the doin's took a turn, Though I'm ashamed to say it, We found that old Jim Lawson Wuz the only one could play it; But Jim, the poor old feller, Had one besettin' sin, A fondness fer hard cider Which he'd bin indulgin' in. 

 But he sot down at that organ, Planked his feet upon the pedals, And he showed us he could play it Though he hadn't any medals; He dwelt upon the treble And he flirted with the base, He almost made that organ Jump right out of its case. 

 Wall, the cider got in old Jim's head And in his fingers, too, So he played some dancin' music And old Yankee Doodle Doo; He shocked old Deacon Witherspoon And scared poor Sister Morgan, And jist busted up the meetin' At the unveilin' of the organ. 

Uncle Josh Plays a Game of Base Ball

I HAD heered a whole lot 'bout them games of foot ball they have in NewYork, so while I was thar I jist cum to the conclusion I'd see a game ofit, so went out to one of their city pasters to see a game of foot ball. Wall now I must say I didn't see much ball playin' of any kind. All Igot to see wuz about fifty or sixty ambulances, and I think about thatmany surgons and phisicians. Wall, from what I could see of the gameI calculate they needed all of them. I saw one feller and 'bout fiftyothers had him down, and it jist looked as though they wuz all tryingto get a kick at him. They had a half back and a quarter back; I supposewhen they got through with that feller he wuz a hump back. Anyhow, ifthat's what they call foot ball playin', your Uncle Josh don't want anyfoot ball in his'n. 

I never played but one game of ball in my life that I kin remember on, and don't believe that I ever will forgit that. You see it wuz alongin the spring time of the yeer, and the weather wuz purty warm andsunshiny, and the boys sed to me, "Uncle, we'd like to have you help usplay a game of base ball. " I sed, "Boys, I'm gittin' a little too oldfer those kinds of passtimes, but I'll help you play one game, I'll bedurned if I don't. " Wall, we got out in the paster and wuz gittin' readyto play; we got the bases and bats put around in thar places, and abuckit of drinkin' water up in the fence corner, whar we could get adrink when we wanted it. We didn't have any bleachers, but we had thirtyor forty hogs, and they wuz the best rooters you ever seen; jist then Ihappened to look around and thar wuz the biggest billy goat I ever sawin all my life. You ought to seen the boys a-gittin' out of the paster;I would hav got out too, but I got stuck in the fence. Wall, you oughtto hav seen that billy goat a-gittin' me through the fence. He didn'tgit me all the way through, cos I wuz half way through when he got thar;but he got the last half through. I didn't make any home run, but I wuzthe only feller what had a score of the game; I couldn't see the score, but I had it. Every time I'd go to sot down I knowed jist exactly howthe game stood. 

They hav a good many new fangled games now, but when they git anythingthat can beet a game of base ball with a billy goat fer a battery, durned if I don't want to see it. 

The Punkin Centre and Paw Paw Valley Railroad

WONDERS will never cease--we've got a railroad in Punkin Centre now;oh, we're gittin' to be right smart cityfied. I guess that's aboutthe crookedest railroad that ever wuz bilt. I think that railroad runsacross itself in one or two places; it runs past one station threetimes. It's so durned crooked they hav to burn crooked wood in theingine. Wall, the fust ingine they had on the Punkin Centre wuza wonderful piece of masheenery. It had a five-foot boiler and aseven-foot whissel, and every time they blowed the whissel the durnedold ingine would stop. 

Wall, we've got the railroad, and we're mighty proud of it; but we hadan awful time a-gittin' it through. You see, most everybody give theright of way 'cept Ezra Hoskins, and he didn't like to see it go throughhis medder field, and it seemed as though they'd hav to go 'round ferquite a ways, and maybe they wouldn't cum to Punkin Centre at all. Wall, one mornin' Ezra saw a lot of fellers down in the medder most uncommonlybusy like; so he went down to them and he sed, "Wat be you a-doin'down here?" And they sed, "Wall, Mr. Hoskins, we're surveyin' fer therailroad. " And Ezra sed, "So we're goin' to hav a railroad, be we? Is itgoin' right through here?" And they sed, "Yes, Mr. Hoskins, that's wharit's a-goin', right through here. " Ezra sed, "Wall, I s'pose you'll havea right smart of ploughin' and diggin', and you'll jist about plow upmy medder field, won't ye?" They sed, "Yes, Mr. Hoskins, we'll hav to dosome gradin'. " Ezra sed, "Wall, now, let me see, is it a-goin' jistthe way you've got that instrument p'inted?" They sed, "Yes, sir, jistthar. " And Ezra sed, "Wall, near as I kin calculate from that, Ishould jedge it wuz a-goin' right through my barn. " They sed, "Yes, Mr. Hoskins, we're sorry, but the railroad is a-goin' right through yourbarn. "

Wall, Ezra didn't say much fer quite a spell, and we all expected tharwould be trouble; but finally he sed, "Wall, I s'pose the community ofPunkin Centre needs a railroad and I hadn't oughter offer any objectionsto its goin' through, but I'm goin' to tell ye one thing right now, afore you go any further. When you git it bilt and a-runnin', you'vegot to git a man to cum down here and take keer on it, cos it's a-cumin'along hayin' and harvestin' time, and I'll be too durned busy to rundown here and open and shet them barn doors every time one of your peskyold trains wants to go through. "

 Love--An indescribable longing, something that existed since Mother Eve was in the apple trust, and will exist until the end of time. Somethin' that no man has ever yet defined or ever will define. A somethin' that is past all description. Which will make a hired man fergit to do the chores, and will make an old man act boyish, and will make a woman show herself to be stronger than the strongest man. Gosh durn it, an indescribable somethin' that has never yet bin described. --Punkin Centre Philosophy. 

Uncle Josh on a Bicycle

A LONG last summer Ruben Hoskins, that is Ezra Hoskins' boy, he cum homefrom college and bro't one of them new fangled bisickle masheens humwith him, and I think ever since that time the whole town of PunkinCentre has got the bisickle fever. Old Deacon Witherspoon he's bina-ridin' a bisickle to Sunday school, and Jim Lawson he couldn't rideone of them 'cause he's got a wooden leg; but he jist calculated if hecould git it hitched up to the mowin' masheen, he could cut more haywith it than any man in Punkin Centre. Somebody sed Si Pettingill wuztryin' to pick apples with a bisickle. 

Wall, all our boys and girls are ridin' bisickles now, and nothin' woulddo but I must learn how to ride one of them. Wall, I didn't think veryfavorably on it, but in order to keep peace in the family I told them Iwould learn. Wall, gee whilikee, by gum. I wish you had bin thar whenI commenced. I took that masheen by the horns and I led it out into themiddle of the road, and I got on it sort of unconcerned like, and then Igot off sort of unconcerned like. Wall, I sot down a minnit to think itover, and then the trouble commenced. I got on that durned masheen andit jumped up in the front and kicked up behind, and bucked up in themiddle, and shied and balked and jumped sideways, and carried on worse'n a couple of steers the fust time they're yoked. Wall, I managed tohang on fer a spell, and then I went up in the air and cum down all overthat bisickle. I fell on top of it and under it and on both sides of it;I fell in front of the front wheel and behind the hind wheel at the sametime. Durned if I know how I done it but I did. I run my foot throughthe spokes, and put about a hundred and fifty punctures in a hedgefence, and skeered a hoss and buggy clar off the highway. I done moredifferent kinds of tumblin' than any cirkus performer I ever seen inmy life, and I made more revolutions in a fifteen-foot circle thanany buzz-saw that ever wuz invented. Wall, I lost the lamp, I lost theclamp, I lost my patience, I lost my temper, I lost my self-respect, my last suspender button and my standin' in the community. I broke thehandle bars, I broke the sprockets, I broke the ten commandments, Ibroke my New Year's pledge and the law agin loud and abusive language, and Jim Lawson got so excited he run his wooden leg through a knot-holein the porch and couldn't git it out agin. Wall, I'm through with it;once is enough fer me. You kin all ride your durned old bisickles thatwant to, but fer my part I'd jist as soon stand up and walk as to sitdown and walk. No more bisickles fer your Uncle Josh, not if he knowsit, and your Uncle Josh sort of calculates as how he do. 

 Notoriety--A next door neighbor to glory, but another way of gittin' it. --Punkin Centre Philosophy. 

A Baptizin' at the Hickory Corners Church

A LONG about two summers ago we had a baptizin' at the Hickory CornersChurch, and before the baptizin' we had preachin', and before thepreachin' we had Sunday school. Wall now, some of them questions andanswers in that Sunday school jist made me snicker right out loud. Yousee, old Deacon Witherspoon wuz a-teachin' the Sunday school class, and he sed, "Now let me see what little boy can tell me who slew thePhilistines and whar at?" Wall, no one sed anything fer about a minnit, then a little red-headed feller down at the foot of the class sed, "Commodore Dewey, at Manila. " The Deacon sed, "No, Henry, it wasn'tCommodore Dewey what slew the Philistines, it wuz Sampson. " Anotherlittle feller sed, "No, Deacon, I think you've sort of got it mixed up;he wasn't there; Schley is the feller what done the job, at Santiague. "The Deacon sed, "Now, boys, you've bin readin' too much about them wardoin's in the papers. Now what little boy can tell me what is the firstcommandment?" And Ezra Hoskins' boy sed, "Remember the main. " Gosh, I had to go right out of the meetin' house, whar I could have a goodlaugh. Wall, I wouldn't have bin down thar in the fust place, or thesecond place, fer that matter, if it hadn't bin fer old Jim Lawson. You see, Jim he's a peculiar old critter. He's got one eye out; lost itlookin' fer a pension, I believe. Wall, Jim he cum over to my house andhe sed, "Josh, let's you and me go down to the baptizin'. " I sed, "Whatdo you want to go down thar fer, Jim; you can't git any pension thar, kin ye?" Jim sed, "Wall, you see, Josh, thar wuz a pedler left some hymnbooks at my house, and I want to go down thar and see if I can't sell'em. " Wall, we hadn't bin thar more 'n a minnit when Jim he told theminister he had the hymn books to sell, and the minister sed he'd tellthe congregation all about it. Then Jim he sot right down in the meetin'house and went to sleep; and then he went to snorin'; you could hear himclar across a forty acre lot. I wouldn't a-keered a gosh durn, but hewoke me up Wall, about the time the minister wuz a-gittin' through withhis sermon, he sed, "Now all members of the congregation having babieshere to-day and wantin' of them baptized after the sermon is over, bringthem up to the pulpit and I will baptize them. " Wall, Jim he woke upabout that time, and he thought the minister wuz a-talkin' about hishymn books; so he stood up and sed, "Now all you folks what ain't gotany I'll let ye have 'em, twenty-five cents apiece. "

 Religion--Any one man's opinion, but consists mainly of doing right. --Punkin Centre Philosophy. 

Reminiscence of My Railroad Days

Dedicated to Engineer John Hoolihan, Pittsburg and Lake Erie Railroad, Pittsburg, Pa. 

 WALL, John, I read your poetry, And laughed till I nearly cried, Seein' how you became an engineer, And got on the right hand side. It made me think of the days gone by, When I wuz one of you fellers, too, What used to run an old machine, And go tootin' the country through. But the engine that I had then, John, Wuz far from a "Nancy Hanks;" She wuz old and worn and loggy, And jist chuck full of pranks; And she wuz wonderfully got up, John, Full of bolts and valves and knobs, And the boiler wouldn't hold water; Gosh, it wouldn't hold cobs. 

 But I wuz younger then, John, And I didn't care a cuss; So I'd pull the throttle open And jist let her wheeze and fuss. The road that I wuz a-runnin' on Wuz out in the woolly west; Two streaks of rust and the right of way Wuz puttin' it at its best. So we sort of plugged along, John. And didn't put on any frills, Never thought of doin' anything But doublin' all the hills. I tell you those were rocky times, And we hadn't no air brake; And fifteen miles an hour, John, Wuz durn good time to make. 

 And thar wuz as good a lot of boys As you could meet with anywhere; Rough and ready open up, And always on the square. And I'd like to see them all again, And grasp each honest hand; But some of them, like me, have quit, Some have gone to another land. I have changed somewhat since then, John, Jist a little more steady grown; But I often think of my railroad days As the happiest ones I've known. And, John, I often watch the train. As they go whizzing by; As I think of Bill, or Jim, or Jack, Thar's a tear comes in my eye. 

 Perhaps you'd like to know, John, Just why I quit the rail, And as some feller one time sed, "Thereby hangs a tale. " I wuz goin' along one night, John, At a purty lively rate, The old machine a-doin' her best, And me forty minutes late, When all at once there came a crash, I felt the old track yield, And fireman, machine and I Went into a farmer's field. There's little more to say, John, They laid me up for repairs, But my fireman, poor fellow, Hadn't time to say his prayers. 

 So now you have my story, John; Still, you don't know how it feels To know you've got to plug around On a couple of flat wheels. But it doesn't bother me, John, Gosh, not fer a minnit; I'm as happy as the day is long, And feel jist strictly in it. But sometimes I like to meet the boys, And talk them days all over, And I feel as gay and chipper As a calf in a field of clover But the happiest days I've known, John, The ones that to me see best, Wuz when I run an old machine Way out in the woolly west. 

 Glory--Gittin' killed and not gittin' paid fer it. --Punkin Centre Philosophy. 

Uncle Josh at a Circus

WALL, 'long last year, 'bout harvest time, thar wuz a cirkus cum toPunkin Centre, and I think the whole population turned out to see it. They cum paradin' into town, the bands a-playin' and banners flying, and animals pokin' their heads out of the cages, and all sorts of jimcracks. Deacon Witherspoon sed they wuz a sinful lot of men and wimmin, and no one aughter go and see them, but seein' as how they wuz thar, healowed he'd take the children and let them see the lions and tigers andthings. Si Pettingill remarked, "Guess the Deacon won't put blinders onhimself when he gits thar. " We noticed afterwards that the Deacon had afront seat whar he could see and hear purty well. 

Wall, I sed to Ezra Hoskins, "Let's you and me go down to the cirkus, "and Ezra sed, "All right, Joshua. " So we got on our store clothes, our new boots, and put some money in our pockits, and went down to thecirkus. Wall, I never seen any one in my life cut up more fool capersthan Ezra did. We got in whar the animals wuz, and Ezra he walked aroundthe elefant three or four times, and then he sed, "By gum, Josh, that'sa durned handy critter--he's got two tails, and he's eatin' with one andkeepin' the flies off with t'other. " Durned old fool! Wall, we went on alittle ways further, and all to onct Ezra he sed, "Geewhiz, Josh, thar'sSteve Jenkins over thar in one of them cages. " I sed, "Cum along yousilly fool, that ain't Steve Jenkins. " Ezra sed, "Wall, now, guessI'd oughter know Steve Jenkins when I see him; I jist about purty nearraised Steve. " Wall, we went over to the cage, and it wan't no man atall, nuthin' only a durned old baboon; and Ezra wanted to shake handswith him jist 'cause he looked like Steve. Ezra sed he'd bet a peck ofpippins that baboon belonged to Steve's family a long ways back. 

Wall then we went into whar they wuz havin' the cirkus doin's, and Iguess us two old codgers jist about busted our buttins a-laffin at thatsilly old clown. Wall, he cut up a lot of didos, then he went out andsot down right alongside of Aunt Nancy Smith; and Nancy she'd like tohad histeericks. She sed, "You go 'way from me you painted critter, " andthat clown he jist up and yelled to beat thunder--sed Nancy stuck a pinin him. Wall, everybody laffed, and Nancy she jist sot and giggled rightout. Wall, they brought a trick mule into the ring, and the ring mastersed he'd give any one five dollars what could ride the mule; and RubenHoskins alowed he could ride anything with four legs what had hair on. So he got into the ring, and that mule he took after Ruben and chasedhim 'round that ring so fast Ruben could see himself goin' 'roundt'other side of the ring. He wuz mighty glad to git out of thar. Thena gal cum out on hoss back and commenced ridin' around. Nancy Smith sedshe wuz a brazen critter to cum out thar without clothes enough onher to dust a fiddle. But Deacon Witherspoon sed that wuz the art of'questrinism; we all alowed it, whatever he meant. And then that sillyold clown he told the ring master that his uncle committed sooisidedifferent than any man what ever committed sooiside; and the ring mastersed, "Wall, sir, how did your uncle commit sooiside?" and that silly oldclown sed, "Why, he put his nose in his ear and blowed his head off. "Then he sang an old-fashioned song I hadn't heered in a long time; wentsomething like this:

 From Widdletown to Waddletown is fifteen miles, From Waddletown to Widdletown is fifteen miles, From Widdletown to Waddletown, from Waddletown to Widdletown, Take it all together and its fifteen miles. 

He wuz about the silliest cuss I ever seen. Wall, I noticed a feller arummagin' 'round among the benches as though he might a-lost somethin'. So I sed to him, "Mister, did you lose anythin' 'round here any place?"He sed, "Yes, sir, I lost a ten dollar bill; if you find it I'll giveyou two dollars. " Wall, I jist made up my mind he wuz one of them cirkussharpers, and when he wan't a-lookin' I pulled a ten dollar bill out ofmy pockit and give it to him; and the durned fool didn't know but whatit wuz the same one that he lost. Gosh, I jist fooled him out of his twodollars slicker 'n a whistle. I tell you cirkus day is a great time inPunkin Centre. 

Uncle Josh Invites the City Folks to Visit Him

I DIDN'T s'pose when I wuz gittin' ready to go home, that all you folkswould be down here to the depo' to see me off. Wall, now, that's purtygood of ye, I'll be durned it it ain't. Yes, I guess I'll have to begoin' home now; I've stayed here this time 'bout as long as I kin affordto. I must say, some of you folks have made it purty warm fer me sinceI've bin here in New York; but I guess I've enjoyed it 'bout as much asyou have. 

I'd like to have you all cum down to Punkin Centre and see MEE some timethis summer, if you hadn't got nuthin' else to do. Lots of fun down tharon that farm of mine, huntin', fishin', and shootin', and other things. Wall, I never shot but one bird in my life, and that wuz a squirrel;yes, sir, a flyin' squirrel. 

I had a feller workin' fer me on the farm last summer, and he wascross-eyed, and I sent him out in the paster to dig a well fer me, andwhat do you s'pose? Wall he dug it so tarnal all-fired crooked that hefell out of it and sprained his ankel. Then one day I sent him out inthe garden to plant some pertaters and some unyuns fer me, and it jistseemed like that feller didn't have good hoss sense. He planted themunyuns and pertaters right alongside of each other, and the unyuns gotinto the pertaters' eyes and they couldn't see to grow. Oh, yes, lots offun down home onct in a while. I calculate I've got the funnyest lot ofchickens you ever heerd tell on. I've got sixty old hens and they lay anegg every day; but they don't lay any at nite, cos when nite comes everyone of them is roosters. I had one old hen, she went into the woodshedand sot down on the ax and tried to hatch-it. I had another one sottin'on a door knob, tryin' to hatch out a house and lot, but she didn't. While she wuz a-sottin' there along cum a rooster, and he sed, "We'rehaving a little party down behind the barn; will you dance with me thisset?" and she sed, "No, sir, I'm engaged to his nobs for this set. "Gosh, I wuz afraid to go out in the barnyard one while, cos one daywhen I wuz out thar I heerd a hen say to a rooster, "Thar's that oldgray-headed cuss we've bin a-layin' fer. "

Guess that's my train; s'pose I'll have to be a-goin'; good-bye; cumdown and see me some time if you kin, ev'ry one of ye; cum down aboutapple-butter time and jist butt in--good bye. 

Yosemite Jim, or a Tale of the Great White Death

 YOSEMITE JIM wuz the name he had, And he came from no one knowed whar; Quiet, easy goin' sort of a cuss, And wuz reckoned on the squar'. Ridin' a route for the Wells Fargo folks May have made him stern and grim; But thar wasn't a man that crossed the divide But 'ud swar by Yosemite Jim. 

 He wa'n't one of the regular sort What you'd meet thar any day, But as near as the camp could figure it out, In a show down he'd likely stay. A shambling, awkward figure, Rawboned, tall and slim, And his schaps and togs in general Jist looked like they'd fell on him. 

 I wuz somewhat of a tenderfoot then, Hadn't jist got the lay of the land; Thar wuz a good many things in them thar parts As I couldn't quite understand. But I took a likin' to Yosemite Jim, Wuz with him on my very first trick; And from that time on I stuck to him Like a kitten to a good warm brick. 

 Our headquarters then wuz the valley camp, It wuz down by the redwood way, With Chaparel across the spur, 'Bout fifty miles away. Wall, what I'm goin' to tell you, pard, Happened thar whar the trail runs into the sky; And if it hadn't a-bin fer Yosemite Jim, Wall, I'd be countin' my chips on high. 

 The galoot that wuz punchin' the broncos fer me Wuz a greaser from down Monterey; And Jim used to say, "Keep your eye on him, pard, I don't think he's cum fer to stay; His eyes are too shifty and yeller, And his face is sullen and hard; And 'taint that so much as a feelin' I have; Anyhow, keep your eye on him, pard. "

 One day when the mercury wuz way out of sight, And the frost it wuz on every nail, With jist the mail sack and specie box, The greaser and I hit the trail. We picked two passengers up at Big Pine, And while the broncos were changed that day I noticed them havin' a sneakin' chat With the greaser from down Monterey. 

 Did you ever hear tell of the Great White Death, That creeps down the mountain side, Leavin' behind it a ghastly track Whar those who have met it died? Wall, pard, as true as I'm a-livin', No man wants to see it twice; White and grim as a funeral shroud, A mass of mist and ice. 

 Wall, we hadn't got far from the Big Pine relay When my hair it commenced to rise, For I saw across by the Lone Bear spur A cloud of most monstrous size. And the greaser acted sort of peculiar, And the broncos commenced to neigh; Wall, some thoughts went through my mind jist then I won't forgit till my dyin' day. 

 In less time than it takes to tell it, We were into the Great White Death, With its millions of frozen snowflakes A-takin' away our breath. And jist then somethin' happened, pard, The greaser from down Monterey Tried to sneak off with the specie box, Along with the passengers from Big Pine relay. 

 All at once a figure on hossback Cum a-whoopin' it down the trail, And bullets from out of a Winchester Commenced to fly like hail. The greaser and them two passengers Cashed in their chips to him, Fer the feller what wuz doin' the shootin' Wuz my friend, Yosemite Jim. 

 Wall, we planted them thar together, When the cloud had passed away; And all they've got fer a tombstone Is the mountains, dull and gray. So, pard, let's take one together, And I'll drink a toast to him, Fer though he wuz rough and ready, He'd a heart, YOSEMITE JIM. 

The Great White Death, so named by the Indians, occurs in the higheraltitudes of the Rocky and Sierra Nevada Mountains. It is almostindescribable. It might properly be termed a frozen fog. It has theeffect of bringing on acute congestion of the lungs, from which fewrarely recover. Viewed at a distance it is a magnificent sight, eachand every particle of the frozen moisture being a miniature prism, whichreflects the sun's rays in a manner once seen never to be forgotten. --ByCAL. STEWART, formerly Overland Messenger for the Wells-Fargo ExpressCompany. 

Uncle Josh Weathersby's Trip to Boston

FER a long time I had my mind made up to go down to Boston, so a shorttime ago, as I had all my crops and produce mostly sold, I alowed itwould be a good time to go down thar, and I sed to mother, "I'll startearly in the mornin' and take a load of produce with me, and that willsort of pay expenses of the trip. "

Wall, I got into Boston next mornin' bright and early, 'bout time theyhad their breakfast, and I looked 'round fer a spell; then finally Ipicked out a right likely lookin' store, and jist conclooded I'd sellmy load of produce thar. Wall, I went in and I met a feller 'nd I sed, "Good mornin', be you the storekeeper?" And he sed, "No, sir, I'm onlyone of the clerks. " So I sed, "Wall, be the storekeeper to hum?" Andhe sed, "Yes, sir, would you like to see him?" And I told him as how Iwould, and he turned 'round and commenced to hollerin' "FRONT, " and aboy cum up what had more brass buttins on him than a whole regiment ofsoljers. I thought that wuz a durned funny name fer a boy--front--andthat clerk feller he wuz about the most importent thing I'd seen inBoston so far, less maybe it wuz the Bunker Hill monument that I druvpast cummin' to town. He had on a biled collar that sort of put me inmind of the whitewashed fence 'round the fair grounds down hum. I'll betif he'd ever sneeze it would cut his ears off. 

Wall, anyhow, he sed to that front boy, "Show the gentleman to theproprietor's offis. " Wall, I went along with that boy, and presently wecum to a place in one corner of that store; it wuz made out of iron andhad bars in front of the winders, and looked like the county jale. Thefront boy p'inted to a man and sed, "Go in, " and I sed, "I gessed Iwouldn't go in thar, cos I hadn't done anything to be locked up fer. "And that front boy commenced to laffin' tho' durned if I could see whathe wuz a-laffin' about, and the storekeeper he opened the door and cumout, and he sed, "Good mornin', what can I do fer you?" I sed, "Be youthe storekeeper?" and he sed he wuz. So I sed, "Do you want to buy anypertaters?" And he sed, "No, sir, we don't buy pertaters here; this adry goods store. " So I sed, "Wall, don't want any cabbage, do ye?" Andhe sed, "No, sir, this is a dry goods store. " So I sed, "Wall, now, Iwant to know; do you need any onions?" And by chowder, he got madder 'na wet hen. He sed, "Now look a-heer, I want you to understand onct ferall, this is a dry goods store, and we don't buy anything but dry goodsand don't sell anything but dry goods; do you understand me now? DRYGOODS. " And I sed, "Yes, gess I understand you; you don't need to git sotarnaly riled about the matter; neer as I can figure it out you jist buydry goods and sell 'em. " And he sed, "Yes, sir, only dry goods. " So Ised, "Do you want to buy some mighty good dried apples?"

Wall, that front boy got to laffin, and a lot of wimmin clerks giggledright out, and the storekeeper he commenced a-laffin', too, and ferabout a minnit I thought they'd all went crazy to onct. Wall, he told afeller to show me whar I could sell my produce, and I disposed of it ata good bargain. 

I like them Boston folks, they try to make you feel to hum, and enjoyyourself and be soshable, and I wuz chuck full of soshability, too; Iwuz goin' up one street and down t'other, jist a-gettin' soshability atten cents a soshable. 

Wall, I gess I seen about everything wuth seein' in Boston, and I wuza-standin' along-side of one of their old churches, a-lookin' at thesemetry, and I gess thar wuz folks in thar burried nigh unto threehundred years. And I wuz jist a-thinkin' what they'd say if they couldwake up and see Boston now, when I noticed a row of little toomstones, and one of them it sed, "Hester Brown, beloved wife of James Brown, " andon another it sed, "Prudence Brown, beloved wife of James Brown, " and onanother it sed, "Thankful Brown, beloved wife of James Brown. " Wall, I couldn't jist make out what she had to be thankful about, but I sed, "Jimmy, you had a right lively time while you wuz in Boston, didn'tyou?" Then I seen another toomstone and on it it sed, "Matilda Brown, beloved wife of James Brown, " and another one what sed, "Sara Ann Brown, beloved wife of James Brown, " and over in a littlecorner, all to itself, I seen a toomstone, and on it it sed, "JamesBrown, At Rest. "

Who Marched in Sixty-One

CAL STEWART, New York, Memorial Day, 1903. 

 I'VE jist bin down at the corner, mother, To see the boys in line, Dressed up in their bran' new uniforms, I tell you they looked fine. And as they marched past whar I stood, To the rattle of the drum, It made me think of those other boys Who marched in sixty-one. 

 The old flag wuz proudly wavin', mother, Jist as it did one day When you stood thar to say good-bye, And watch me march away. So I stood thar and watched them Till the parade wuz nearly done, But thar wasn't many thar to-day Who marched in sixty-one. 

 And thar wuz my old Captain And the Colonel side by side, And as they both saluted me I jist sot down and cried. And I thought about some other boys Whose work has long bin done; Soon thar won't be any left at all Who marched in sixty one. 

 I heered the band play Dixie, And my old heart swelled with pride, A-thinkin' of the boys in gray Who marched on the other side. And when my time it comes, mother, The Lord's will it be done, I hope he'll take me to the boys Who marched in sixty-one.