TOASTS

 AND FORMS OF PUBLIC ADDRESS

 FOR THOSE WHO WISH TO SAY

 THE RIGHT THING IN THE RIGHT WAY

 BY

 WILLIAM PITTENGER

CONTENTS

INTRODUCTIONAFTER-DINNER SPEECHES--ANCIENT AND MODERNVALUE OF A GOOD STORY AND HOW TO INTRODUCE ITPURPOSE OF AFTER-DINNER SPEAKINGSOME A B C DIRECTIONS FOR MAKING SPEECHES, TOASTS, AND RESPONSESHOLIDAY SPEECHES Fourth of July Memorial Day Washington's Birthday Christmas ThanksgivingPRESENTATION ADDRESSESADDRESSES OF WELCOMEWEDDING AND OTHER ANNIVERSARIESTOASTS Sentiments Suggested by a Toast Miscellaneous Toasts Humorous ToastsMISCELLANEOUS ADDRESSES Centennial or Semi-Centennial Dedication of a Monument or Unveiling a Statue Birthday Celebration Reception Responses to Toasts at a Dinner Responses to Toasts to The Navy Responses to Toasts to General Jackson Responses to Toasts to The Workingman Nominating a Candidate Accepting a Nomination Speech in a Political Canvass Speech after a Political Victory Speech after a Political Defeat A Chairman's or President's Speech For Any OccasionILLUSTRATIVE AND HUMOROUS ANECDOTESINDEX OF TOASTSINDEX OF ANECDOTES

INTRODUCTION

The author of this manual has at various intervals prepared severaltreatises relating to the art of speech. Their wide circulation is anindication of the demand for works upon this subject. They were intendedto embrace the principles which govern speech-making in the forum, in thepulpit, or at the bar. While these do not differ essentially from theprinciples applicable to occasions where the object is only entertainment, yet there are certain well-defined differences which it is the purpose ofthis little volume to point out. We hope thus to render the same service toa person who is called upon to offer or respond to a toast in a convivialassembly, as the author's previous volumes rendered to those preparing tospeak upon subjects of a serious and practical nature. 

That help is needed, and may be afforded, no one will deny. A novice calledupon to participate in the exercises of a public banquet, an anniversary, or other entertainment, unless he has an experienced friend to give him afew hints or advice, is apt to be dismayed. He does not even know how tomake a start in the work of preparation, and his sense of inability andfear of blundering go far to confuse and paralyze whatever native facultyhe may have. A book like this comes to him at such a time as reinforcementsto a sorely pressed army in the very crisis of a battle. As he reads, someideas which seem practical, flash upon him. He learns what others beforehim have done. If he is to offer a toast, he examines the list furnishedin this volume, finding one perhaps that pleases him, or one is suggestedwhich is better adapted to his purpose than any in the book, and he wondersat the stupidity of the author in omitting it. Soon he becomes quiteinterested in this suggested toast, and compares it with those in the listto find out wherein it differs. Thus gradually and unconsciously he hasprepared himself for the part he is to perform. 

Or if invited to respond to a toast, he passes through a similarexperience. He may find the outline of a speech on that very topic; heeither uses it as it is printed or makes an effort to improve it byabridgment or enlargement. Next he looks through the treasury of anecdotes, selects one, or calls to mind one he has read elsewhere which he considersbetter. He then studies both of them in their bearings on the subjectupon which he is to speak, and longs for the hour to arrive, when he willsurprise and delight his friends by his performance. He rises to speakconscious that he knows a great deal, not only about the toast assigned tohim, but about other toasts as well--feels that he has something to saywhich, at least, will fill in the time, and save him from confusion anddiscredit. He even hopes to win applause by means of the stories and happyturns with which his speech is interspersed. 

He has thus satisfactorily taken the first step toward becoming a ready andentertaining after-dinner speaker. The sense of knowing how to do what isexpected of him has a wonderfully quieting effect upon his nerves; and thusthe study of this book will greatly add to the confidence of a speaker, andthe effectiveness of his delivery. Whatever graces of manner he possesseswill become available, instead of being subverted by an overmastering fear. 

It is not easy to mention all the uses of such a manual. One who has beenaccustomed to speaking, but fears he is getting into a rut, can turn tothis text-book and find something which is _not_ so distressingly hisown, that his friends expect him to parade it before them on all occasions. 

He may glance over the outline of a speech altogether new and strange tohim, and endeavor to adapt it to his own use; or he may weave togetherfragments of several speeches, or take the framework of one and constructupon it a speech which will enable him to make a new departure. A writersometimes, after years of practice, finds it difficult to begin thecomposition of some simple reception or commemorative address; but thereading of a meagre outline, not one word or idea of which may be directlyused, serves to break the spell of intellectual sloth or inertia, andstarts him upon his work briskly and hopefully. 

The field covered by the present volume is not entirely unoccupied. One ofthe earliest publications in this line is an anonymous English work, verydignified and conservative. The speeches it furnishes are painstaking, buta trifle heavy, and savor so much of English modes of expression, as wellas thought and customs, as to be poorly adapted to this country. Two workshave appeared in this country, also, one being intended apparently forwine parties only; the other, while containing a number of gem-like littlespeeches, fails to give the aid which is sought by the ordinary tyro, andis calculated rather to discourage him; giving him the impression that itis more difficult to become an acceptable after-dinner speaker than he hadever supposed. While a few of the best things in the latter volume areavailed of, a different method is pursued in the present work. Outlinesof speeches are preferred to those which are fully elaborated; and thefew plain rules, by which a thing so informal and easy as an after-dinnerspeech may be produced, are so illustrated as to make their applicationalmost a matter of course. Good-humor and brevity, an outline and astory--what more is needed, unless it be that serene self-confidence whichenables a speaker to say even foolish and absurd things, with the assurancethat all goes down at a public dinner? What if you are not the mostbrilliant, humorous, and stirring speaker of the evening? Aim to fill yourplace without discredit; observe closely those who make a great success;the next time you may have a better outline or more telling story, andbecome, before you know it, the leader of the evening. 

It is not intended to give rules or directions for the order eitherof drinking or feasting. That field is fully occupied. But the customof making addresses at the close of a feast has, been so thoroughlyestablished, and so frequent are these occasions, that a gentleman is notfully equipped for a place in society, if he cannot gracefully offer orrespond to a toast, or preside at a gathering where toasts or other formsof after-dinner speaking are expected. It is the aim of this manual to helpthe beginner in this field. 

AFTER-DINNER SPEECHES--ANCIENT AND MODERN

An idea of the real meaning of after-dinner speaking may be obtained fromthe feudal feasts of earlier times. The old lord or baron of the MiddleAges partook of his principal meal in the great hall of his castle, surrounded by guests, each being assigned his place in formal order andwith no small degree of ceremony. This hall was the main feature of thecastle. There all the family and guests met on frequent festal occasions, and after the feasting and the hour of ceremony and more refinedentertainment was over, retired to rest in comparatively small and humbleapartments adjoining, though sometimes they would simply wrap their cloaksabout them, and lie down to sleep on the rushes that littered the floor ofthe great hall. 

After the "rage of hunger was appeased"--which then, as in our day, andback even as far as the time of the ancient Greeks, was the first businessin order--came the social hour, which meant much to the dwellers in thosedull, comfortless old barracks--for the great castles of that day werelittle better than barracks. The chief gave the signal for talk, music, orstory, previous to which, any inquiries or conversation, other than thebriefest question and answer about the food or other necessary things, would have been considered inappropriate and disrespectful. There probablywas present some guest, who came under circumstances that awakened thestrongest curiosity or who had a claim upon his entertainer. Such a guestwas placed at the board in a position corresponding to his rank. 

After resting and partaking of the repast, it was pertinent to hear whataccount he could give of himself, and courtesy permitted the host tolevy an intellectual tax upon him, as a contribution to the joy of thehour. Seated at the head of the table the chief, or, in his absence, arepresentative, made the opening speech--the address of welcome, to use theterm familiar to ourselves. This might be very brief or at considerablelength; it might suggest inquiries of any of the company or merely pledgean attentive and courteous hearing to whatever the guest might utter; itmight refer to the past glory of the castle and its lord, or vaunt itspresent greatness and active occupation. 

But whatever form it might take it was sure to consist--as addresses ofwelcome in all ages have done--of two words, by dexterously using which, any man can make a good speech of this character. These two words are "We"and "You;" and all else not connected with these is irrelevant and useless. They do not constitute two parts of the same speech but ordinarily playback and forth, like a game of battledore. Who "we" are; what "we" havedone; how "we" saw "you;" what "we" have heard of "you;" how great and good"you" are thought to be; the joy at "your" coming; what "we" now want tolearn of "you;" what "we" wish "you" to do; how "we" desire a longer stayor regret the need of an early departure--all is a variation of the onetheme--"we" and "you. "

The old Baron probably said all of this and much more in a lordly way, occupying a longer or shorter time, without ever dreaming that he wasmaking a speech. It was his ordinary after-dinner talk to those whom chanceor fortune brought within his walls. Or, if he prided himself upon being aman of few words, scorning these as fit only for women and minstrels, hewould simply remind the guest that he was now at liberty to give such anaccount of himself, and to prefer such requests as seemed agreeable to him. 

The guest was then expected to respond, though this by no means was therule. The host might wish first to call out more of his own intellectualtreasures. This he would do by having other occupants of the castle speakfurther words of welcome, or would call upon a minstrel to sing a song orrelate some deed of chivalry. 

When the guest at last rises to speak, it is still the two pronouns withslightly changed emphasis that play a conspicuous part. The "we" may become"I;" but this is no essential change. Where "I" or "we" have been; what "I"have done, suffered, or enjoyed; how and why "I" came here; how glad "I" amto be here; what "I" have known and heard of "you;" how "we" may help eachother; what great enterprises "we" can enter upon; how thankful for thegood cheer and good words "we" hear. 

In the baronial hall, which foreshadowed the family fireside of laterdays, the drinking was free and copious whilst the other portions of theentertainment were of a general character and quite protracted. Mirth, song, the rude jest, anecdotes of the chase or of a battle, or a rehearsalof the experiences of every-day life, were all in place. Sometimes, theguests, overpowered by their libations, are said to have fallen under thetable and to have slumbered there till surprised by the pale morning light. There was little need of ceremony in such feasts, and there is little needof formality or constraint in the far different festal occasions of thepresent time. 

When no guest, either by chance or invitation came to the castle, lessvariety could be given to the after-dinner entertainment, and manyexpedients were required to pass the long hours that sometimes hung heavilyon their hands. Then the use of "Toasts" became an important feature. Thedrinking also was expected to arouse interest, but if it went on in silenceand gloom or amid the buzz of trivial conversation in different partsof the hall the unity of the hour was marred and the evening was voteddull--the lord himself then having no more honor than his meanest vassal. But the toast--no matter how it originated--remedied all this. A complimentand a proverb, a speech and a response, however rude, fixed the attentionof every one at the table, and enabled the lord to retain the sameleadership at the feast that he had won in the chase or in battle. He mighthimself propose a toast of his own choice or give another permission topropose it. He might then designate some humorous or entertaining clansmanto respond; he might either stimulate or repress the zeal of the guests, and give unity to each part of the entertainment and to the whole feast. For these reasons the toast rose into popularity, and is now oftenused--possibly it might be said generally used if our own country alone beconsidered--even when no drinking at all is indulged in. 

Let us now take a look at an after-dinner hour of the present day; oneof the very latest and most approved pattern. The contrast will not bewithout interest and value. The fare at the dinner is always inviting. Thecompany is large. Good speakers are secured in advance. Each is given anappropriate toast, either to propose or respond to. Suppose it is a NewEngland society celebrating Forefathers' Day in New York. The chairman (whois usually the president of the society) rises, and by touching a bell, rapping on the table, or in some other suitable manner, attracts all eyesto himself. He then asks the meeting to come to order, or if he prefers theform, to give attention. Then he utters a few graceful commonplaces, andcalls upon a guest to offer the leading toast--not always the chief or mostinteresting one. When one is reached in which there is a lively interest, some distinguished person such as Chauncey M. Depew, the prince ofafter-dinner speakers, comes to the front. We give an outline of one of hisaddresses on Forefathers' Day, delivered December 22d, 1882, in response tothe toast, "The Half Moon and the Mayflower. "

In reading this address the "We" and "You" cannot fail to be noted. Mr. Depew said he did not know why he should be called upon to celebrate hisconquerors. The Yankees had overcome the Dutch, and the two races aremingled. The speaker then introduced three fine stories--one at the expenseof the Dutch who are slow in reaching their ends. A tenor singer at thechurch of a celebrated preacher said to Mr. Depew, "You must come again, the fact is the Doctor and myself were not at our best last Sundaymorning. " The second related to the inquisitiveness of a person whoexpressed himself thus to the guide upon the estate of the Duke ofWestminster: "What, you can't tell how much the house cost or what the farmyields an acre, or what the old man's income is, or how much he is worth?Don't you Britishers know anything?" The third story, near the close, setoff Yankee complacency. A New England girl mistook the first mile-stonefrom Boston for a tombstone, and reading its inscription "1 M. FromBoston, " said "I'm from Boston; how simple; how sufficient. "

The serious part of the discourse was a rapid statement of the principlesrepresented by the Dutch pioneer ship "Half Moon" and the Pilgrim"Mayflower;" the elements of each contributed to national character andprogress. (For speech in full see _Depew's Speeches_, Vol. I. )

Other toasts and responses followed; eloquence and humor mingled until thesmall hours of the night. Probably not one of that pleased and brilliantassemblage for a moment thought that they were doing at this anniversarywhat their old, barbaric ancestors did nightly, while resting after aborder foray or Viking sea raid. 

THE VALUE OF A GOOD STORY AND HOW TO INTRODUCE IT. 

No matter how inexperienced a speaker may be or how stammering hisutterance, if he can tell a good story, the average dinner party willpronounce him a success, and he will be able to resume his seat with afeeling of satisfaction. The efforts often made to bring in an entertainingstory or a lively anecdote are sometimes quite amusing, but if they comein naturally the effect will unquestionably be happy. Almost any story, byusing a little skill, can be adapted to nearly every occasion that mayarise. We may mention a few among which a speaker can scarcely fail to findsomething to serve his purpose. 

It is necessary always to be thoroughly familiar with the story and tounderstand its exact point. No matter how deliberately or with whatdifficulty you approach that part of your speech where the fun is tobe introduced--yet, when that point _is_ reached there must be nohesitation. It is well to memorize carefully the very words which expressthe pun, or the flash of wit or humor which is the climax of the story. Thestory itself may be found in such a manual as this, or in some volume ofwit and humor. 

There is no disadvantage in using wit gathered from any source, if it hasnot been so often used as to be completely worn out. When a good story isfound anywhere and fully memorized and all its bearings and fine pointsthoroughly understood, there are two ways of getting it before an audience. The direct way is to say frankly that you have read a story and will tellit. This will answer very nicely when called upon for a speech. Few festiveaudiences are unwilling to accept a story for a speech, and a proposal tocompromise on such terms is very likely in itself to bring applause. Butthe story in this case should be longer than if it is given as part of aspeech. If, however, it should prove a failure, your performance will makea worse impression than when a poor story is introduced into a speech, although the story may only feebly illustrate any portion of it. 

For these as well as other reasons most persons will prefer to make anaddress, even if it be very brief, and will endeavor to make the story fitinto it. All stories that suggest diffidence, modesty, backwardness, orunwillingness to undertake great things, can be introduced to show howreluctant the speaker is to attempt a speech, and if these characteristicsare only slightly referred to in the story it may still be used effectivelyand will leave a favorable impression. 

If a topic, a toast, or a sentiment is given for a response, any of themmay suggest a story; and after a good story has been told--one that hasreal point--it will be better to stop without making any attempt atapplication or explanation. 

A great help is often found in the utterances of previous speakers. Ifthese have done well, they may be complimented, and the compliment socontrived as to lead directly up to the story that is lying in wait; orsomething being said with which you heartily agree--however slight aportion of the address it may be--this harmony of views can be used in thesame manner. On the other hand, if you disagree with any of the speakers, the mere reference to it will excite a lively interest. If this differenceis used, not as the basis of a serious argument, but only to drag in astory illustrating the disagreement, the story will nevertheless appear tobe very appropriate. 

If you happen to be the first speaker, you are by no means withoutresources. You can then imagine what other speakers are going to say, andif you can slip in a humorous or good-natured hit at the expense of some ofthe prominent speakers, it will be, highly relished. If you describe whatthey are likely to say it will be enjoyed, while if you should happen tomention the very opposite this will be set down as your intention. You mayeven describe the different speakers, and be reminded of things that willbring in the prepared story very appropriately. 

The writer once knew of a very dull speaker, who scored a great success ina popular meeting, by describing the eloquent speaker who was to follow. He began by telling how he was accustomed when a boy to take a skiff andfollow in the wake of a steamer, to be rocked in its waves, but oncegetting before the huge vessel his boat was swept away, and he was nearlydrowned. This unfortunately was his situation now, and he was in danger ofbeing swept aside by the coming flood of eloquence. But he asked who isthis coming man? It was the first time he had heard of him--then followedthe story he had been trying to work in--a story wherein the eloquent manwas described as "one who could give seventeen good reasons for anythingunder heaven. " The story was a great success. In dumb show, the speaker hereferred to begged for mercy. This only delighted the audience still more, and when the dull speaker finished it was admitted that, for once, he hadescaped being stupid or commonplace. He had also forced upon the nextspeaker the necessity of removing the unpleasant effects of the jokes madeat his expense, a task that required all his cleverness. 

The manner of introduction by the chairman, his name or general position, the appearance of any one of the guests, the lateness or earliness ofthe hour, events of the day that attract interest, the nature of theentertainment or assemblage--all of these will offer good hooks by whichto draw in the story. But let the story be good and thoroughly mastered. Of course the work of adaptation will be much easier if you have severalstories in reserve. A story must not be repeated so often that it becomesknown as belonging to you, for then a preceding speaker might get a laughon you by telling it as yours, leaving you bankrupt. 

Jones and Smith once rode several miles in a carriage, together, to a townwhere both were to make addresses. Jones was quite an orator; Smith hada very retentive memory. Jones asked Smith about his speech, but Smithprofessed not to have fully decided upon his topic, and in turn asked Jonesthe same question. Jones gave a full outline of his speech, Smith gettinghim to elaborate it by judicious inquiries as to how he would apply onepoint and illustrate another. The ride thus passed pleasantly for bothparties. Smith was called upon to speak first, and gave with telling effectwhat he had gathered from Jones, to the delight of everybody, but poorJones, who listened in utter consternation, and had not strength enoughleft even to reclaim his stolen property. 

If your speech is to be a story it is especially advisable to havea reserve on hand, for stories are easily copied and apt to be longremembered. Care also must be taken that the story is not one with whichpersons generally are familiar. A gentleman was in the habit of telling astory which has already been quoted, the point of which lies in the phrase"I'm from Boston. " Some of his more intimate companions, in self-defense, would exclaim when he proposed a story, "Is it a mile from Boston?"

The definition of the toast itself or of any of the words in the sentimentwhich is the speaker's topic may be made the occasion for drawing in theillustrative story. 

The manner of ending a good story is also worthy of careful study. When anaudience is applauding a palpable "hit, " it does not seem an appropriatetime to stop and take one's seat; but it often is the best course. To dothis appears so abrupt that the novice is apt to make a further effortto finish up the subject till he has finished up his audience as well. An attempt to fully discuss a topic, under such circumstances, is notsuccessful once in a hundred times. The best course is to follow an aptstory by some proverb, a popular reference, or a witty turn, and then toclose. But no abruptness will be disliked by your hearers half so much, as the utterance of a string of commonplaces, after you have once securedtheir attention. The richness of the dessert should come at the close, notat the beginning, of the oratorical feast. 

THE PURPOSE OF AFTER-DINNER SPEAKING

Briefly stated, it is to bring into one focus the thought of an assembly. While the good things of the table may be satisfactory, and conversationfree and spontaneous, there is yet need of some expedient for making allthought flow in one channel, and of blending the whole company into a trueunity. There is one way, and only one, of doing this--the same that isused to produce unity of action and thought in any assembly, for whateverpurpose convened. When the destinies of empires are at stake, when greatquestions that arise among men are to be solved, the art of speech must becalled into play. So after a good dinner has been enjoyed, the same potentagency finds a field, narrower, indeed, but scarcely less operative. Andthis object--of causing a whole assembly to think the same thoughts andturn their attention to a common topic--is often well attained even whenthe speeches do not aspire to great excellence or pretension to eloquence. 

A commonplace illustration will make our meaning clear. Suppose a greatreception, where many rooms are filled with invited guests. There isconversation, but only by groups of two or three persons; refreshments areserved; larger groups begin to gather around prominent persons, but thereis the same diversity of sentiment and purpose that is to be found in achance crowd in a public park. The guests are not in one place, with oneaccord. But now, on some pretext, the power of public speech is evoked;perhaps a toast is offered and responded to, or a more formal address ofwelcome or congratulation, or anything else suitable to the occasion. The subject and the manner of introduction are not material, so that theliving, speaking man is brought face to face with his fellows; at once, instead of confusion and disorder, all is order and harmony. The speakermay hesitate in the delivery of his message, but his very embarrassmentwill in some instances contribute to harmonize the thought of the assemblyeven more powerfully than a more pretentious address. But a good andappropriate speech will indelibly fix the thought, and be far moresatisfactory. 

Where no particular kind of address is indicated by the nature of theassemblage, stories and humor will generally be highly appreciated. A goodstory has some of the perennial interest that surrounds a romance, and ifit is at the same time humorous, an appeal is made to another sentiment, universal in the human breast. If people thrill with interest in unison, or laugh or cry together for a time, or merely give attention to the samethoughts, there will arise a sense of fellowship and sympathy which is notonly enjoyable, but is the very purpose for which people are invited toassemblies. 

More ordinary after-dinner speeches succeed by the aid of humorous storiesthan by all other means combined. In a very ingenious book of ready-madespeeches the turning point of nearly every one depends upon a pun or othertrick of speech. While this is carrying the idea a little too far, stillit fairly indicates the importance placed upon sallies of wit or humor asa factor in speech-making. The fellowship that comes from laughing at thesame jokes and approving the same sentiments may not be the most intimateor the most enduring, but it is often the only kind possible, and should beprized accordingly. 

The chief use of toasts is to call out such speeches, and thus lead thethought of the assembly along pleasant and appropriate channels--allprearranged, yet apparently spontaneous. 

A long speech is selfish and unpardonable. It wearies the guests, destroysvariety, and crowds others out of the places to which they have beenassigned and are entitled. When the speaking is over, the company will havebeen led to contemplate the same themes, and will have rejoiced, sympathized, and laughed in unison. 

SOME A B C DIRECTIONS FOR MAKING SPEECHES, TOASTS, AND RESPONSES

1. Do not be afraid or ashamed to use the best helps you can get. Divestyourself of the idea that all you need is to wait till a toast is proposedand your name called, and then to open your mouth and let the eloquenceflow forth. The greatest genius in the world _might_ succeed in thatway, but would not be likely to venture it. Use a book and study yoursubject well. 

2. Generally, it is not well to memorize word for word either what youhave written or obtained from a book, unless it is a pun or a story wherethe effect depends upon verbal accuracy. But be sure to memorize toasts, sentiments, and titles absolutely. To know the substance of your speechwell, with one or two strong points in it, is better than to have a floweryoration weighing down your memory. 

3. If you are a novice (and these directions are given to no others), donot aim to make a great speech, but to say a few things modestly andquietly. A short and unassuming speech by a beginner is sure of applause. Eloquence, if you have it in you, will come later through practice andfamiliarity with your subject. 

4. If you can't remember or find a good story, invent one! Perhaps youhave scruples as to the latter. But a story is not a lie; if so, whatwould become of the noble tribe of novel-writers! Mark Twain gives a veryhumorous account of the way in which he killed his conscience. Probablymany speakers who retail good things might make confession in the samedirection. 

But why is it not as reputable to invent one's own story as to tell thestory some one else has invented? Does the second telling improve itsmorality? Rather give heed to the quality of the story. This, and not itsorigin, is the really important matter to consider. 

5. Success in after-dinner speaking is difficult or easy to attainaccording to the way you go about it. If you think you must startle, rouse, and electrify your hearers, or, worse still, must instruct them insomething _you_ think important, but about which they care nothing, your efforts are likely to be attended by a hard and bitter experience. Butif, when a prospective speech-occasion looms up, you will reflect upon thesentiment you wish to propose, or will get a friend to do a little planningand suggest the easiest toast or topic, and then attempt to say just alittle, you will probably come off with flying colors. 

6. When you rise, do not be in a hurry. A little hesitation has a bettereffect than too much promptness and fluency, and a little stammering orhesitation, it may be added, will have no bad effect. In beginning, yourmanner can without disadvantage be altogether lost sight of, and ifyou have something to say the substance of which is good, and has beencarefully prearranged, you will be able to give utterance to it in someform; grammatical mistakes or mispronunciation, where there is noaffectation, as well as an occasional repetition, will rarely be noticed. 

7. Above all, remember it may be assumed that your hearers are yourfriends, and are ready to receive kindly what you have to say. This willhave a wonderfully steadying effect on your nerves. And if your speechconsists only of two or three sentences slowly and deliberately uttered, they will at least applaud its brevity, and give you credit for havingfilled your place on the programme respectably. 

It has been often said that Americans are greatly ahead of the English ingeneral speech-making, but in pleasant after-dinner talking and addressesthey are much inferior. Probably this was once true, but if so, it istrue no longer. The reason of any former deficiency was simply want ofpractice, without which no speech-making can be easy and effective. Butthe importance of this kind of oratory is now recognized, and, with properefforts to cultivate and master it, Americans are taking the same high rankas in other forms of intellectual effort. Lowell and Depew are acknowledgedas peers of any "toast-responder" or "after-dinner orator" the world hasever seen. One of the chief elements of their charm consists in the goodstories they relate. Whoever has a natural faculty, be it ever so slight, as a storyteller, will, if he gathers up and appropriates the good thingsthat he meets with, soon realize that he is making rapid progress in thisdelightful field, and that he gains much more than mere pleasure by hisacquisitions. 

The best entertainments are not those which merely make a display of wealthand luxury. Quiet, good taste, and social attractions are far better. TheEnglish wit, Foote, describes a banquet of the former character. "As tosplendor, as far as it went, I admit it: there was a very fine sideboard ofplate; and if a man could have swallowed a silversmith's shop, there wasenough to satisfy him; but as to all the rest, the mutton was white, theveal was red, the fish was kept too long, the venison not kept long enough;to sum up all, everything was cold except the ice, and everything sourexcept the vinegar. " Excellence in the quality of the viands is not tobe disregarded in the choicest company. A celebrated scholar and wit wasselecting some of the choicest delicacies on the table, when a rich friendsaid to him, "What! do philosophers love dainties?" "Why not?" replied thescholar; _"do you think all the good things of this world were made onlyfor blockheads?"_

HOLIDAY SPEECHES

FOURTH OF JULY

At a Fourth of July banquet, or celebration, toast may be offered to "TheFlag, " to "The Day, " to "Independence, " to "Our Revolutionary Fathers, " to"The Nation, " to any Great Man of the Past, to "Liberty, " to "Free Speech, "to "National Greatness, " to "Peace, " to "Defensive War, " to any of theStates, to "Washington" or "Lafayette, " to "Our Old Ally, France, " to anyof the "Patriotic Virtues, " to "The Army and The Navy, " to the "Memory ofany of the Battles by Land or Sea. " Appropriate sentiments for any of thesemay easily be devised or may be found in the miscellaneous list in thisvolume. "The Constitution and the Laws" or something similar should not beomitted. 

SOME ITEMS THAT WOULD BE APPROPRIATE IN RESPONDING TO THESE TOASTS. 

Their order and character will depend upon the special topic. 

Our present prosperity--the greatness and resources of our country ascompared with those of the Revolutionary epoch--the slow growth of thecolonies--the rapid growth of the States and the addition of new Statescontinually--what was gained by independence--did we do more than simplyprevent tyranny--the advantages an independent country possesses over acolony, such as Canada--the perils of independence and the responsibilityof power--the romantic early history of the country--the wars that precededthe Revolutionary conflict--the character of the struggle--the slendernessof our resources compared with the mighty power of Britain--our ally, France--what that nation gained and lost by joining in our quarrel--thememories of Washington and Lafayette--the principles at stake in theRevolution--the narrow view our fathers took of the issue at first, andthe manner in which they were led first to independence and then tonationality--some phases of the struggle--its critical points--Trenton andValley Forge--Saratoga and Yorktown--our responsibilities and duties--thequestions of that day enumerated and compared with the burning questionsof the present day (which we do not enumerate here, but which the speakermay describe or even argue if the nature of his audience, or time at hisdisposal permits)--the future greatness of the nation--the probability ofthe acquisition of new territory. 

Laughable incidents either from history or illustrations from any source, must not be forgotten, for if the speech be more than a few minutes longthey are absolutely indispensable. 

OUTLINE OF A SPEECH IN RESPONSE TO THE TOAST "THE DAY WE CELEBRATE"

The Fourth of July has been a great day ever since 1776. Before that yearthe Fourth of this month came and went like other days. But then a greatevent happened: an event which made a great difference to the entire world;the boundaries of many countries would be very different to-day if theimportant event of that day had not transpired. It was a terrible blow tothe foes of humanity and even to many weak-kneed friends. The exhortationof one of the signers of the Declaration on that day, "We must all hangtogether, " with the grim but very reasonable rejoinder, "If we do not, wewill assuredly hang separately. " The bloodshed and suffering which followedand which seem to be the only price at which human liberty and advancementcan be procured. We had to deal with our old friends the English very muchas the peace-loving Quaker did with the pirate who boarded his ship; takinghim by the collar Broad-brim dropped him over the ship's side into thewater, saying, "Friend, thee has no business on this ship. " We have shownthat we own and can navigate the ship of State ourselves, and now we arewilling to welcome here not only John Bull but all nations of the worldwhen they have any friendly business with us. 

The gunpowder that has been consumed. First, during the Revolutionary warand the second war with England; and then the powder that has been explodedby small and large boys in the hundred and odd Fourths that have followed. 

OUTLINE OF A SPREAD-EAGLE SPEECH IN A FOREIGN LAND

We are so far from home that we can't hear the eagle scream or see thelightning in his eye. Only from the almanac do we know that this is the dayof all days on which he disports himself. He was a small bird when born, more than a hundred years ago, but has grown lively till his wings reachfrom ocean to ocean, and it only requires a little faith to see him stretchhimself clear over the Western Hemisphere and the adjacent islands. Otherbirds despised him on the first great Fourth, but these birds of prey, vultures, condors and such like, with crows, as well as the smallerRepublican eagles born since, are humble enough to him now. The Britishlion himself having been so often scratched and clawed by this fowl, haslearned to shake his mane and wag his tail rather amiably in our eagle'spresence, even if he has to give an occasional growl to keep his hand in. We are proud of this bird, though we are far from home, and to-day send ourheartiest good wishes across the sea to the land we love the best. 

OUTLINE OF A RESPONSE TO THE TOAST, "OUR COUNTRY"

The field here is very wide. All the history of the country is appropriate, but can only be glanced at, though a good speech might be made by dwellingat length on some romantic incident in its history. The size and richnessof the country from the green pine forests of Maine to the golden orangegroves of California; or the prophecy of the manifest greatness of comingdestiny. Here the old but laughable story can be brought in easily aboutthe raw Irishman who saw a pumpkin for the first time, and was told that itwas a mare's egg, and generously given one. He had the misfortune, however, to drop it out of his cart, when it rolled down-hill, struck a stump, burstand frightened a rabbit, which bounded away followed by Pat, shouting:"Shtop my colt; sure and if he is so big and can run so fast now, when justborn, what a rousing horse he will be when grown up!"

But our country has more than merely a vast area. She has made advances inscience, art, literature, and culture of all kinds, and is destined to playa chief part in the drama of the world's progress. 

 * * * * *

MEMORIAL DAY

The celebration of this day has become general and has assumed a specialand beautiful character. It might have been feared that angry passionsengendered by civil strife would predominate, but the very reverse ofthis is true. Kindness and charity, tender memories of the sacrifices ofpatriotism, the duty of caring for the living and of avoiding all thatmight lead again to the sad necessity of war, are the sentiments nearlyalways inculcated. 

The following are a few of the toasts that may be given at celebrations, orbanquets, or at the exercises that form a part of the annual decorating ofsoldiers' graves:

The Martyred Dead--the Regiments locally represented--the Army andNavy--any Dead Soldier especially prominent--the Union Forever--theWhole Country--Victory always for the Right--the Surviving Soldiers andSailors--Unbroken Peace--the Commander-in-Chief, and other officers locallyhonored--any special battle whose field is near at hand--the Flag with allits Stars undimmed. 

SKETCH OF A SPEECH IN RESPONSE TO THE TOAST, "OUR HONORED DEAD"

Time in its rapid flight tests many things. Thirty years ago the SouthernConfederacy, like a dark cloud full of storm and thunderings, covered theSouthern heavens. Statesmen planned, preachers prayed, women wept, andarmies as brave as ever formed in line fought, for its establishment. Bloodflowed freely, and the roar of battle filled the whole land. Many wise menthought it would continue for ages, but lo! it has disappeared. Nothingremains to its adherents but a memory--mournful, pathetic, and bitter. 

How different with the Old Flag that we love. It had been tested before, but this was its supreme trial. It had been victorious in several wars. Ithad sheltered new and expanding States, it had fostered higher forms ofcivilization, and represented peoples and interests that were complex andvaried; but in our Civil War it was assailed as never before. The test wascrucial, but nobly was it borne. Men died in ranks as the forest goes downbefore the cyclone. What sharp agony in death, and what long-continuedsuffering and bereavement this implies. But the result was decisive--astrengthening of the power and grandeur of the nation that sometimes seemsto be only too great and unquestioned. 

We have no wish by any word of ours to revive bitter feeling or stir upstrife. This hallowed day has been from the first a peacemaker. Men, standing with uncovered heads in the presence of the dead, do not care toutter words of reproach for the irrevocable past. We, wearing the blue, cansay to the scarred veteran wearers of the gray: "You fought well for thelost cause. But the case was fairly tried in the awful court of war. Ittook four years for the jury to agree, but the verdict has been given--averdict against your cause--and there is no higher court and no appeal. There is no resurrection for the dead Confederacy; but we can offer yousomething better--an equal part in the life and destiny of the mostglorious nation time has yet produced. " And on their side the gray canreply, in the words of Colonel Grady, the eloquent orator of the South, inhis speech at Atlanta: "We can now see that in this conflict loss was gain, and defeat real and substantial victory; that everything we hoped for andfought for, in the new government we sought to establish, is given to us ingreater measure in the old government our fathers founded. "

We do not meet on these Memorial Days to weep for the dead, as we did whilewounds were yet fresh. Time has healed the scars of war, and we can calmlycontemplate the great lesson of patriotic devotion, and rejoice that thenation to which we belong produced men noble enough to die for that whichthey valued so much. Neither do I care to say anything of human slavery, the institution that died and was buried with the Confederacy. I had enoughto say about it while it was living. Let the dead past bury its dead. 

But we are here to foster patriotism, in view of the most tremendoussacrifice ever willingly made by a people on the altar of nationality. Thatthe sacrifices of the Civil War deserve this rank will appear from thefact that they were made--in the main--by volunteers. We were not fightingdirectly to defend our altars and our fires; we were not driven to armsto repel an invading foe; we were not hurried to the field by king ornoble; but in the first flush of manhood we offered ourselves to preserveunimpaired the unity, the purity, the glory of our nation. So far as I haveturned over the leaves of the volume of time, I have found nothing in allthe past like this. Therefore, standing before the highest manifestation ofearthly patriotism, viewing it crowned in all the glory of self-sacrifice, by a faithfulness which was literally in the case of hundreds of thousands"unto death, " we ask: "What is there that justifies a nation in exacting oraccepting (when freely offered) such tribute of the life-blood of itspeople?"

The two things of inestimable value which our government furnishes andwhich we ought to preserve even with life itself, if the sacrifice isneeded, are liberty and law, or rather liberty _in_ law. The old worldgave law, without which human society cannot exist. But it was accompaniedwith terrible suffering--as when "order reigned in Warsaw. " Such law camefrom masters, and made the mass of the people slaves. We have an equalperfection of law, order, subordination, but it rises side by side withliberty The people govern themselves--not in one form of government alonebut in affairs national, State, county, down to the smallest schooldistrict and a thousand voluntary societies. In each the methods by whichthe people's will may be made supreme in designated affairs are clearlydefined, so that the whole of united human effort is brought under thedominion of law, even such things as general education, and yet eachaffair is in the hands of the people directly concerned. For thousands ofyears the principles of our complex and wonderful system of co-ordinatedgovernment have been growing up till they have reached their fullestperfection on our soil, and we breathe their beneficence as we breathe theair of heaven. Men are willing to die by the tens of thousands that thisliberty under law may not perish from the world. 

. .. Comrades and Citizens:--We move forward to new issues and newresponsibilities. Grave dangers are now upon us. God grant that they maynot need to be met and settled in the rude shock of war. The time forwisdom, for clear-sighted patriotism is--_now_. Labor and capital, thefoundations of law and order; the complex civilization of a nation whichnow talks by lightning, and is hurled by steam over plains and mountains, and which, doubtless, will soon fly through the air--all these are to besettled by the men now on the stage of action. We cannot do better than totell you, to settle them in the spirit of the men whose great sacrifices weto-day commemorate. 

OUTLINE OF A SPEECH BY CHAUNCEY M. DEPEW, ON A DECORATION [MEMORIAL] DAY. 

This is one of the most interesting of national celebrations, appealing notto pride, but to tender personal memories. But we must not give ourselvesup wholly to sadness or mourning. The story of issues and results must betold. 

Why did our heroes die? On account of the cancer of slavery and theresulting doctrine of State Rights. Nationality and liberty, the oppositeview. The former was the party of action, and, therefore, though in aminority, it was bolder and more determined. But the shell of materialismdropped from the North, and it was aroused with electric energy when Sumterwas fired on; there was no passion, only such fervid resolve to preserveour nation as the world never before saw. The struggle over, there were noState trials, no prisons nor scaffolds, and the Republic, though bleedingat every pore, said to the conquered enemy, "Come and share fully with usall the blessings of our preserved institutions, " and thus won a secondvictory greater than the first. 

The wonderful intelligence of the volunteer--story of Napoleon'ssoldier--"Dead on the field of honor. "

The Grand Army of the elect--the heroes of history, some of whom areenumerated--the actual value to a nation of such heroism. To-day all thatbelongs to the strife is forgiven, but its lessons are too noble andprecious ever to be forgotten. We can all, North and South, read withenthusiasm the story of each varied and romantic campaign. 

The Confederate women first began decorating the graves of their dead withflowers, and did not pass by the Union graves near their late foes. Thistouched the heart of the nation as nothing else could have done, and enmitymelted away, and the observance of the day has become universal. 

The two great national heroes--Washington, with his wise, foresighted"Farewell Address;" Lincoln, with his gentle spirit, his martyr death, andhis tender words, "With malice towards none, with charity for all. "Washington the Founder, Lincoln the Preserver. 

 * * * * *

WASHINGTON'S BIRTHDAY

APPROPRIATE TOASTS

To Washington--to The Great Men of Revolutionary Times--to The Great Manwho could not do what many modern Politicians can do--_tell a lie_--toThe Childless Father of Eighty Millions of people--to The American ModelStatesman--to The Greatest of Good Men and the Best of Great Men. 

THOUGHTS FOR A SPEECH IN RESPONSE TO THE TOAST "WASHINGTON: GREAT AS ASOLDIER, GREATER AS A STATESMAN, GREATEST AS A PURE PATRIOT"

Indian, French, and English enemies. He had to make the armies with whichhe conquered. He was always a safe commander, but full of enterprisealso--his character made the Union of the States and the Constitutionpossible. His character the best inheritance of the American people. Othermen as great, possibly in some instances greater in a single field--hisgreatness shown in the wide union of the noblest kinds of greatness, all inharmony. 

HUMOROUS RESPONSE BY BENJAMIN F. BUTLER TO THE TOAST, "OUR FOREFATHERS"

"While venerating their lofty patriotism, may we emulate them in theirrepublican simplicity of manners. " He declared that a great deal had beensaid at one time and another about the democratic simplicity of ourforefathers. Suppose that the gentlemen of the present day should go backto some of the customs of the forefathers. Suppose a man should go to aball nowadays in the costume in which Thomas Jefferson, "that great apostleof democratic simplicity, " once appeared in Philadelphia. What a sensationhe would create with his modest (?) costume of velvet and lace, withknee-breeches, silk stockings, silver shoe-buckles, and powdered wig. "Eventhe great father of his country had a little style about him, " said thespeaker. "It was a known fact that he never went to Congress when he wasPresident unless he went in a coach and six, with a little cupid on the boxbearing a wreath of flowers. The coach must be yellow and the horses white, and then the President's secretary usually followed in a coach drawn byfour horses. When Washington ascended the steps to enter the doors, healways stopped for a moment and turned slowly around to allow an admiringpeople to see the father of their country. Oh! our forefathers weresaturated with modesty and simplicity. The people of the present day haveretrograded greatly from the simplicity of their Revolutionary ancestors. Ican remember when it was impossible, years before the war, to hold a nightsession of Congress. It was impossible because the members of Congressattended dinners, and lingered over their wine. They attended dinners verylike the one we have just enjoyed, and yet there is not a man in thiscompany who is unfitted to attend to any public or private duties thatmight demand his attention. Yes, it is true that we have departed fromthe old customs, but we have advanced and not retrograded. The world haschanged, but it has changed for the better. It is growing better every day, and don't let anybody forget it. "

 * * * * *

CHRISTMAS

APPROPRIATE TOASTS

The Day of Good-will--to The Cold Weather without and the Warm Heartswithin--to The Christmas Tree, which grows in a Night and is plucked inthe Morning by the gladdest of fingers--to The Day in which Religion givessweetness to Social Life--Christmas Gifts; may they bless the Giver notless than the Receiver--to The Oldest of our Festivals, which growsmellower and sweeter with the passage of the centuries--to St. Nicholas[or Santa Claus], the only saint Protestants worship--to A Merry Day thatleaves no heart-ache--to A Good Christmas, may sleighing, gifts, andfeasting crowd out all gambling and drunkenness. 

SPEECH-THOUGHTS

The good cheer enjoyed on this merriest day of the year. How the littlepeople look forward to it. It comes to the older ones as a joy, and yettender and sad with the memories of other Christmases. The religious andthe secular elements of the day. The countries where it is most observed. The long contest between the two days, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Thecompromise that Massachusetts and Virginia, New England and the South, haveunanimously agreed upon; namely, to keep both days. 

SELECTED OUTLINE OP AN EFFECTIVE LITTLE CHRISTMAS SPEECH

The speaker assumes that the observance of the day is becoming obsolete, and that there are persons who wish it to die out. The assumption, thoughrather strained, affords the opportunity to demolish this man of straw. "All other kings may go, but no one can spare King Christmas, or St. Nicholas, his prime minister. School-rooms and nurseries would rebel. And plum pudding is too strongly entrenched in Church and State to bedislodged. Washington Irving, with his _Sketch Book_, would protest. Best argument of all is the worth of the Christmas entertainments. Here'sto the Festival of Festivals, and long may its honors be done by such hostsas entertain us to-day. "

THANKSGIVING

Coming at the beginning of the farmer's rest, when the harvest is allgathered, this is a very joyous festival, and more than any other aboundsin family reunions. Any toast therefore is appropriate which tells ofthe harvest, of fertility, of the closing year, of the family pride andtraditions, of pleasure to young and old. At dinner, turkey and mince orpumpkin pie will of course be served, and these national favorites must notbe forgotten by the toastmaker. 

This day, too, has an official and governmental flavor given to it bythe State and national proclamations which fix the date and invite itsobservance. Usually, these enumerate the blessings enjoyed by the wholecountry during the year, and suggest topics peculiarly fitting fortoasts. It is perhaps not too much to say that Thanksgiving is distinctly_the_ American Festival, and should be honored accordingly. 

TOASTS

To The Inventor of Pumpkin Pie--to Peace with all Nations--to The Rulersof our Country--to The Farmer--to Full Stomachs and Merry Hearts--totheir Excellencies, the President and the Governor; may we obey all theircommands as willingly as when they tell us to feast--Abounding Plenty;may we always remember the Source from which our benefits come--Our twoNational Fowls, the American Eagle and the Thanksgiving Turkey; may theone give us peace for all our States and the other a piece for all ourplates--The Turkey and the Eagle; we love to have the one soar high, butwish the other to roost low--The Great American Birds; may we have themwhere we love them best, the Turkeys on our tables and the Eagles in ourpockets. 

THOUGHTS FOR A THANKSGIVING SPEECH

The manner in which the day was first instituted. The sore struggles andthe small beginnings of that day compared with the greatness and aboundingprosperity of the present. The warfare between Christmas and Thanksgiving, the one being thought the badge of popery and prelacy. The Battle of thePies, pumpkin and mince, terminating in a treaty of peace and alliance;and now we can enjoy the nightmare by feasting on both combined! Thenational blessings of the year; the poorest have more now than kings andemperors had five hundred years ago. Exemption from wars. Internal peace. Willingness and habit of settling every domestic dispute by the ballot, andnot the bullet. The increasing tendency to arbitrate between nations, thusavoiding the horrors of war. The beneficence of our government and the easewith which its operations rest upon our shoulders. The wonderful progressof science and invention, and the manner in which these have added to thecomfort of all the people. 

SELECTED OUTLINE FOE A THANKSGIVING SPEECH

Why we ought to be grateful to the old Puritans, with all their faults. Their unsuccessful warfare on plum pudding, which, like truth, "crushedto earth, " rose again. Their discovery and enshrining of Turkey. On thisday the Nation gathers as a family at the Thanksgiving board, and from allparts of the world the wanderers come home to the family feast. The duty ofHappiness, joined to gratitude, is emphasized this day. The closing toast, "The Federal Eagle and the Festal Turkey; may we always have peace underthe wings of the one, and be able to obtain a piece from the breast of theother. "

PRESENTATION ADDRESSES

Giving a present is a kind and graceful act, and should be accompanied by asimple, short, and unaffected speech. "Take this" would have the merit ofbrevity, but would fail in conveying any information as to _who_ gave, why they gave _to the recipient_, and why _that_ present wasselected rather than another, and why _the speaker_ was chosen tomake the presentation. All of these items form a part of nearly everypresentation address, whilst some of them belong to all. 

The novice will find much help in preparing his proposed speech byselecting a few items that are generally appropriate; afterward he caninclude anything which his own genius or wishes may suggest. 

He may say that an abler speaker might have been selected for the pleasantduty, but not one who could enter into it more heartily or with more goodwishes. He can refer to any circumstance which, if told briefly, willshow why he has been selected, notwithstanding his reluctance or sense ofunworthiness; or why he is pleased that the selection has fallen upon him. Such reference is usually effective. 

Then the nature of the gift may be described. Here is an easy field for alittle pleasantry. If a watch, it can be said, "Your friends are growing alittle suspicious of you, and, after due deliberation, they have determinedto a place _a watch_ upon you. " If a cane is the article in hand, thenthe painful duty of administering punishment for offenses by _caning_is in order. A ring will afford an opportunity for many verbal plays. Thering of friends about the recipient, the true ring of a bell, or of anuncracked vase, a political ring--any of these can be made to lead up tothe little hoop of gold. The fineness of the material, its sterling andunvarying value, the inscription on it, any specialty in its form--allthese will be found rich in suggestion. Silverware of any kind may also beconsidered as to the form of the article, the use to which it is to be put, and the purity of the metal. Hardly any article can be thought of whichwill not allow some pleasant puns or _bon mots_. If a book is given, we bring the person "to book, " and the book to him. Job wished that hisenemy might write a book; we, more charitable, wish our friend to read abook, and now offer him a good one for the purpose. The author or the titlewill, if closely examined, yield some matter for play on words. 

The army presents of sword or banner, while usually more serious, do notforbid the same kind of badinage. 

But this should form only a small portion of the speech, and consist merelyof two or three well-studied sentences, to be uttered slowly, so that theirdouble meaning may have time to sink in, and appear also as if they werejust thought of. A good anecdote should be introduced at this point. It must be short, tinged with humor, and, if it succeeds in arousingthe attention of the hearers, it will be of great value. If it is veryappropriate or highly illustrative, these qualities will compensate forhumor. Indeed, a felicitous anecdote will make the whole speech a success, if the speech is not continued too long afterward. Better suffer theextreme penalty of reading every anecdote in this volume, and of searchingfor hours in other fields, than fail to get the right one; but ifunsuccessful invent one for the occasion!

The good qualities of the recipient must not be overlooked, especiallythose in recognition of which the present is given. If anything in thenature of the present itself can be made symbolic of these assumed good orgreat qualities, it will be a happy circumstance. And while flattery shouldnot be excessive or too palpable, it is seldom indeed that a large doseof "pleasant things" will not be well received by all parties on such anoccasion. 

The expression of kindly feeling and good wishes always affords a favorableopportunity for closing. Perhaps, however, a more striking conclusion canbe made by taking advantage of the very moment when the present is handedover to the recipient, accompanying this act with a hearty wish for itslong retention and its happy use in the manner its nature indicates. Wishing a ring to be worn as a memento of friendship, a watch to mark thepassage of happy hours, a cane not to be needed for support, but only as atreasured ornament, a sword to be worn with honor and only to be unsheathedat the call of duty or of patriotism, etc. 

The reception of a gift is more easy than the presentation, but is at thesame time more embarrassing. The reception is easier, because the essentialpart of the response is to say "Thank you, " which are very easy words toutter if the givers are real friends and the present is an appropriate one. It is more embarrassing because it is always harder to receive a favorgratefully than to give one. If the gift is a surprise, there is no harmin saying so, though if it is not a surprise, it is not advisable to tellan untruth about it. The recipient may say he is embarrassed, and hisembarrassment--whether real or feigned--will create sympathy for him. Besides, he can ask for indulgence with more grace than the precedingspeaker, as he is supposed to be taken by surprise. He may be so overcomewith emotion as to break down altogether, and yet he will be loudlyapplauded. 

A still stronger reason for this disparity is that the speaker representingthe givers has been selected, probably out of a large company, to makehis speech, and is thus expected to do it well; but the receiver occupies_his_ position for a reason that has no connection whatever withhis speech-making powers. If he succeeds in expressing his gratitudeand goodwill to those who have been so generous he will have served theessential purpose of his speech; but if, in addition, he can gather upthe points made in the presentation speech, assenting to its generalprinciples, accepting the humorous charges for which he is to be watched, caned, stoned (when a diamond or other stone is given), or put to thesword, and gently deprecates the serious flattery offered, he will beregarded as doing exceedingly well. One phrase he will not be likely toomit, unless "he loses his head" altogether--"When I look upon this, I willalways remember the feelings of this hour, the kind words uttered, theappreciation shown. " This word "appreciation. " with the reiteration ofthanks, will make a very fitting conclusion. 

ADDRESSES OF WELCOME

In our country the number of voluntary associations that visit similarassociations, or meet at special times and places is very large. Often suchassociations are furnished with free board and lodging by the people of theplace where the assemblage occurs. Facilities for assemblage and enjoymentare offered and other privileges tendered that are highly appreciated. Religious bodies, church and philanthropic societies, military and firecompanies, athletic and social clubs, various orders and educationalsocieties, political bodies, these form only a small proportion of theendless number of organizations convening and gathering at differentcentres, gatherings which serve to keep all parts of our country in closetouch. 

It is needless to furnish model speeches for each of these, for the samegeneral line of remark is adapted to all. The changes of illustrationdemanded by the character of the association to be welcomed, and for whichresponses are to be made, will be readily understood, and a little studyof the name and character of the place of meeting will make the necessarylocal allusions quite easy. The welcome and response for a fire company, ora baseball club, will not differ much from that for a Christian EndeavorSociety. A few general hints and a little investigation by the novice willput him on the right track in either case. 

ADDRESS OF WELCOME

A clear statement about those who extend the welcome and of those who areto be welcomed is appropriate. This may be expanded advantageously bygiving a few of the characteristics of each, greater latitude being allowedin complimenting those who are welcomed than those who entertain. It isbad taste to spend more time in telling our guests how good and great weare than in expressing the exalted opinion we have of them for their noblework, their great fame, or their high purpose; or in declaring the pleasurewe feel and the honor we have in entertaining them. The warmth of thewelcome extended should be expressed in the fullest manner, and asthis is the central purpose of the whole address, it will bear _onerepetition_. A good illustrative story, brief but pointed, may be workedin somewhere, perhaps in connection with a modest depreciation of our ownfitness or ability adequately to express the strong feelings of those werepresent, though if one can be found having a connection with the visitorsthemselves, it will be still better. What we wish our visitors to do whilewith us may also be appropriately referred to. If there are places ofinterest for them to visit, work for them to do, or special entertainmentsprovided, --here is additional matter for remark. All these items may berun through in a few minutes, and then the address should close. The mostbungling and formal welcome, if short, will be enjoyed more and be moreapplauded than the most graceful and eloquent one unduly prolonged. Shouldhowever, in spite of this warning, more "filling in" be desired of anappropriate character, it may be found almost without limit in settingforth the claim of the cause which both the visitors and the entertainersrepresent--athletic sports, religion, benevolence, education, or what not. 

ADDRESS IN RESPONSE

This may be still more brief than the address of welcome. To say that thereception is hearty, that it gives pleasure and is gratefully receivedand appreciated, is all that is essential. An invitation to return thevisit should not be forgotten, if circumstances are such that it can beappropriately made. Then the speaker has an opportunity to review anyportion of the preceding speech and express his indorsement of any of theassertions made. He should not dissent from them, unless this dissent canbe made the means of a little adroit flattery by placing a higher estimateupon the entertainers and their services than their own speaker has done, or by modestly disclaiming some of the praise that has been given. Thenovice must avoid being carried too far by this fascinating review, both asto the quantity and the quality of the disagreement. 

A closing sentence may be, "Allow me once more, most heartily, to thankyou for this generous welcome to--your homes--your headquarters--to thehospitalities of your city, " as the case may be. 

WEDDING AND OTHER ANNIVERSARIES

Another wide field for the oratory of entertainment is to be found in thevarious celebrations that mark the passage of specific or notable portionsof time--centennial, semi-centennial, and quadrennial; likewise weddings, annual, tin, paper, crystal, silver, and golden. The speeches for thesediffer widely in character. They may take the form of congratulatoryaddresses, of toasts and responses, or more formal addresses. Alldedications come in the same category. Generally the shorter intervals callfor light and humorous speeches, while the longer ones demand somethingmore grave and thoughtful. 

The following speech and response for a wooden (fifth) wedding anniversaryis taken from a volume of ready made speeches. It is a fine example ofthat wit and play upon words which is never more suitable or more highlyappreciated than on such an occasion. 

SPEECH FOR A WOODEN WEDDING

If it is a good maxim not to halloo till you are out of the woods, our kindhost and hostess must be very quiet this evening, for it seems to me thatthey are in the thick of it. If their friends had been about to burn themalive instead of to wish them joy on their fifth wedding-day, they couldscarcely have brought a greater quantity of combustible material to thesacrifice. What shall we say to them on this ligneous occasion? Of course, we must congratulate them on their willingness to renew their matrimonialvows after five years of double-blessedness. In this age of divorce it issomething worthy of note, that a pair who have been one and inseparable foreven so short a period as the twentieth part of a century, should stand upproudly before the world and propose to strengthen the original compactwith a new one. They look as happy and contented as if they had never heardof Chicago, or seen those tempting little advertisements in the newspapersthat propose to separate man and wife with immediate dispatch for areasonable consideration. Instead of going to court to cut the nuptial bondin twain, it appears that they have been _courting_ for five yearswith the view of being remarried this evening. Vaccination, it is said, wears out in seven years, but matrimony, we see, in this instance, atleast, takes a stronger hold of the parties inoculated as time rolls on;and although in this case they are willing to go through the operationagain, it is not for the sake of making assurance doubly sure, but in orderto enjoy marriage as a luxury. With this happy specimen of a wooden weddingbefore them our young unmarried friends will see that they can go into the_joinery_ business with but little risk of getting into the wrongbox. In fact, it is because connubial bliss beats every other speciesof felicity all hollow that we have met this evening to requite it withhollow-ware. In the name of all their friends I affectionately congratulatethe doubly-married pair on their past happiness and future prospects, andhope they may live to celebrate their fiftieth wedding day and receive a_golden_ reward. 

BRIDEGROOM IN REPLY

"For self and partner"--as men associated in business sometimes concludetheir letters--I offer to you and all our friends who have obliged uswith their presence, the thanks of the firm which renews its articlesof partnership this evening. We welcome you heartily to our home, wellknowing that your kind wishes are not like--your useful and elegant tokensof remembrance--_hollow-ware_. When Birnam Wood came to Dunsinane, Macbeth was conquered, and it seems to me that you have come almost as wellprovided with timber as Macduff and Malcolm were. Your articles, however, although of wood, are not of the Burn 'em kind, and I am not such a Dunceinane as to decline accepting them. Indeed, my wife, who, notwithstandingher matrimonial vows, has a _single eye_--to housekeeping--would notpermit me to refuse them were I so inclined. She knows their value betterthan I do, and with the assistance of her kitchen cabinet will, I have nodoubt, employ them usefully. 

The speech closes with thanks and good wishes in return. 

TOASTS

A toast may be given either with or without sentiment attached, and ineither case a response equally fitting; but in the former the subject isnarrowed and defined by the nature of the sentiment. Yet the speaker neednot hold himself closely to the sentiment, which is often made rather apoint of departure even by the ablest speakers. Indeed, the latitudeaccorded to after-dinner speeches is very great, and a sentiment whichgives unity and direction to the speech made in response to it is, on thataccount, of great value. 

To illustrate these points we will take the toast "Our Flag. " A speech inresponse would be practically unlimited in scope of treatment. Anythingpatriotic, historical or sentimental, which brings in some reference to thebanner, would be appropriate. But let this sentiment be added: "May thejustness and benevolence which it represents ever charm the heart, as itsbeauty charms the eye, " and the outline of a speech is already indicated. Has our nation always been just and kind? Where and how have thesequalities been most strikingly manifested? Why have we seemed sometimesto come short of them, and how should such injustice or harsh dealing beremedied, with as much rhetorical admixture of the waving folds and theglittering stars as the speaker sees fit to employ. 

From these considerations may be deduced the rule that when the proposerof a toast wishes to leave the respondent the freedom of the whole subjecthe will give the toast alone, or accompanied by a motto of the mostnon-committal character. But if he wishes to draw him out in a particulardirection he will put the real theme in the sentiment that follows thetoast. 

SENTIMENTS SUGGESTED BY A TOAST

Years ago a speaker provoked a controversy (maliciously and with no goodexcuse) which scarcely came short of blows, by proposing as a toast thename of a general of high rank, but who was unfortunate in arms. He wasa candidate for office. Added to the toast was the sentiment, "May hispolitical equal his military victories. " This was in bad taste, indeed, butit shows the use that can be made of the sentiment, when added to a toast, in fixing attention in a certain direction. 

The number of sentiments suggested by the common and standard toasts isunlimited. Take the toast "Home, " as an example. 

Home: The golden setting in which the brightest jewel is "Mother. "

Home: A world of strife shut out, and a world of love shut in. 

Home: The blossoms of which heaven is the fruit. 

Home: The only spot on earth where the fault and failings of fallenhumanity are hidden under a mantle of charity. 

Home: An abode wherein the inmate, the superior being called man, can payback at night, with fifty per cent. Interest, every annoyance that he hasmet with in business during the day. 

Home: The place where the great are sometimes small, and the small oftengreat. 

Home: The father's kingdom; the child's paradise; the mother's world. 

Home: The jewel casket containing the most precious of all jewels--domestichappiness. 

Home: The place where you are treated best and grumble most. 

Home: It is the central telegraph office of human love, into which runinnumerable wires of affection, many of which, though extending thousandsof miles, are never disconnected from the one great terminus. 

Home: The centre of our affections, around which our hearts' best wishestwine. 

Home: A little sheltered hollow scooped out of the windy hill of the world. 

Home: A place where our stomachs get three good meals daily and our heartsa thousand. 

MISCELLANEOUS TOASTS

These might be multiplied indefinitely, but a sufficient number are givento serve as hints to the person who is able to make his own toasts, yetseeks a little aid to lift him out of the common rut. 

Marriage: The happy estate which resembles a pair of shears; so joined thatthey cannot be separated; often moving in opposite directions, yet alwayspunishing any one who comes between them. 

Marriage: The gate through which the happy lover leaves his enchantedground and returns from paradise to earth. 

Woman: The fairest work of the great Author; the edition is large, and noman should be without a copy. 

Woman: She needs no eulogy; she speaks for herself. 

Woman: The bitter half of man. (A sour bachelor's toast. )

Wedlock: May the single all be married and all the married be happy. Loveto one, friendship to many, and good-will to all. 

The Lady we love and the Friend we trust. 

May we have the unspeakable good Fortune to win a true heart, and the Meritto keep it. 

Friendship: May its bark never founder on the rocks of deception. 

Friendship: May its lamp ever be supplied by the oil of truth and fidelity. 

Unselfish Friendship: May we ever be able to serve a friend, and nobleenough to conceal it. 

Firm Friendship: May differences of opinion only cement it. 

May we have more and more Friends and Need them less and less. 

May our Friend in sorrow never be a Sorrowing friend. 

Active Friendship: May the hinges of friendship never grow rusty. 

To our Friends: Whether absent on land or sea. 

Our Friends: May the present have no burdens for them and futurity noterrors. 

Our Friends: May we always have them and always know their value. 

Friends: May we be richer in their love than in wealth, and yet money beplenty. 

A Friend: May we never want one to cheer us, or a home to welcome him. 

Good Judgment: May opinions never float in the sea of ignorance. 

Careful Kindness: May we never crack a joke or break a reputation. 

Enduring Prudence: May the pleasures of youth never bring us pain in oldage. 

Deliverance in Trouble: May the sunshine of hope dispel the clouds ofcalamity. 

Successful Suit: May we court and win all the Daughters of Fortune exceptthe eldest--Miss Fortune. 

Here's a Health to Detail, Retail, and Curtail--indeed, all the tails buttell-tales. 

The Coming Millennium: When great men are honest and honest men are great. 

Our Merchant: May he have good trade, well paid. May the Devil cut the toesof all our foes, That we may know them by their limping. 

May we Live to learn well and Learn to live well. 

A Placid Life: May we never murmur without cause, and never have cause tomurmur. 

May we never lose our Bait when we Fish for compliments. 

A Better Distribution of Money: May Avarice lose his purse and Benevolencefind it. 

May Care be a stranger and Serenity a familiar friend to every honestheart. 

May Fortune recover her eyesight and be able to distribute her gifts morewisely and equally. 

May Bad Example never attract youthful minds. 

May Poverty never come to us without rich compensations and hope of aspeedy departure. 

Our Flag: The beautiful banner that represents the precious _mettle_of America. 

American Eagle, The: The liberty bird that permits no liberties. 

American Eagle, The: May she build her nest in every rock peak of thiscontinent. 

American Valor: May no war require it, but may it be always ready for everyfoe. 

American People, The: May they live in peace and grow strong in thepractice of every virtue. 

Our Native Land: May it ever be worthy of our heartiest love, and continueto draw it forth without stint. 

(A spread-eagle toast. ) The Boundaries of Our Country: East, by the RisingSun; north, by the North Pole; west, by all Creation; and south, by the Dayof Judgment. 

Our Lakes and Rivers: Navigable waters that unite all the States and renderthe very thought of their separation absurd. 

Our Sons and Daughters: May they be honest as brave and modest as fair. 

America and the World: May our nation ever enjoy the blessings of thewidest liberty, and be ever ready to promote the liberties of mankind. 

Discontented Citizens: May they speedily leave their country for theircountry's good. 

America:

 "Our hearts, our hopes are all with thee, Our hearts, our hopes, our prayers, our tears, Our faith, triumphant o'er our fears, Are all with thee, are all with thee. "

The Patriot:

 "Breathes there a man with soul so dead, Who never to himself hath said, This is my own, my native land; Whose heart hath ne'er within him burned, As home his footsteps he hath turned From wandering on a foreign strand?"

Our Country: Whether bounded by Canada or Mexico, or however otherwisebounded and described; be the measurement more or less, still Our Country;to be cherished in our hearts and defended by our lives. 

Our Country: In our intercourse with foreign nations may she always be inthe right; and if not, may we ever be true patriots enough to get her intothe right at any cost. 

Our Country: May we render due reverence and love to the common mother ofus all. 

The Ship of State:

 "Nail to the mast her holy flag; Set every threadbare sail; And give her to the God of Storms, The lightning and the gale. "

Columbia: My country, with all thy faults, I love thee still. 

Webster's Motto: Liberty and Union, now and forever, one and inseparable. 

True Patriotism: May every American be a good citizen in peace, a valiantsoldier in war. 

Our Country: May our love of country be without bounds and without a shadowof fear. 

Our Statesmen: May they care less for party and for personal ambition thanfor the nation's welfare. 

Failure to Treason: May he who would destroy his country for a mess ofpottage never get the pottage!

The Penalty of Treason: May he who would uproot the tree of Liberty be thefirst one crushed by its fall. 

The Nation: May it know no North, no South, no East, no West, but only onebroad, beautiful, glorious land. 

America:

 Dear Country, our thoughts are more constant to thee, Than the steel to the star and the stream to the sea. 

Our Revolutionary Fathers: May their sons never disgrace their parentage. 

Our Town: The best in the land; let him that don't like it leave it. 

The Tree of Liberty: May every American citizen help cultivate it and eatfreely of its fruit. 

The Emigrant: May the man that doesn't love his native country speedily hiehim to one that he can love. 

The American Eagle: It is not healthful to try to deposit salt on hisvenerable tail. 

California: The land of golden rocks and golden fruits. 

Ohio: The second Mother of Presidents. 

Vermont: A State of rocks, but producing men, women, maple sugar, andhorses. 

 "The first are strong, the last are fleet, The second and third are exceedingly sweet, And all are uncommonly hard to beat. "

Texas: The biggest of States, and one of the very best. 

New York: Unrivalled if numbers in city and State be the test. 

Our Navy: May it always be as anxious to preserve peace as to uphold thehonor of the flag in war. 

Our Army: May it ever be very small in peace, but grow to mighty dimensionsand mightier achievement in war. 

Our Country: May the form of liberty never be used to subvert theprinciples of true freedom. 

Our Voters: May they always have a standard to try their rulers by, and bequick to punish or reward justly. 

Fortune: A divinity to fools, a helper to wise men. 

The Present: Anticipation may be very agreeable but participation is morepractical. 

The Present Opportunity: We may lay in a stock of pleasures for use inmemory, but they must be kept carefully to prevent mouldering. 

Philosophy: It may conquer past or present pain but toothache, while itlasts, laughs at philosophy. 

Our Noble Selves: Why not toast ourselves and praise ourselves since wehave the best means of knowing all the good in ourselves?

Charity: A link from the chain of gold that angels forge. 

Our Harvests: May the sunshine of plenty dispel the clouds of care. 

Virtue: May we have the wit to discover what is true and the fortitude topractice what is good. 

Our Firesides: Our heads may not be sharpened at colleges, but our heartsare graduates of the hearths. 

The True Medium: Give us good form, but not formality. 

The Excesses of Youth: They are heavy drafts upon old age, payable withcompound interest about thirty years from date. 

The Best of Good Feeling: May we never feel want nor want feeling. 

Our Incomes: May we have a head to earn and hearts to spend. 

Forbearance: May we have keen wit, but never make a sword of our tongues towound the reputation of others. 

Wit: A cheap and nasty commodity when uttered at the expense of modesty andcourtesy. 

Cheerfulness and Fortitude: May we never give way to melancholy, but alwaysbe merry at the right places. 

Generosity: May we all be as charitable and indulgent as the Khan ofTartary, who, when he has dined on milk and horseflesh, makes proclamationthat all the kings and emperors of earth have now his gracious permissionto dine. 

Economy: The daughter of Prudence, the sister of Temperance, and the parentof Independence. 

Fidelity and Forgiveness: May our injuries be written in sand and ourgratitude for benefits in rock. 

A Good Memory: May it always be used as a storehouse and never as alumber-room. 

A Health to Our Dearest: May their purses always be heavy and their heartsalways be light. 

The Noblest Qualities: Charity without ostentation and religion withoutbigotry. 

Discernment of Character: May Flattery never be permitted to sit in theparlor while Plain and Kindly Dealing is kicked out into the woodshed. 

False Friends: May we never have friends who, like shadows, keep close tous in the sunshine only to desert us in a cloudy day or in the night. 

A Competence: May we never want bread to make a toast or a good cook toprepare it. 

The Man we Love: He who thinks most good and speaks least ill of hisneighbors. 

Human Nature as the Best Study: He who is learned in books alone may knowhow some things ought to be, but he who reads men learns how things are. 

Metaphysics the Noblest of the Sciences: "When a mon wha' kens naethingaboot ony subject, takes a subject that nae mon kens onything aboot andexplains it to anither mon still more ignorant--that's Metaphysics. "

The Deeds of Men: The best interpreters of their motives. 

Love and Affection: The necessary basis for a happy life. 

Charity: A mantle of heavenly weaving used to cover the faults of ourneighbors. 

Charitable Allowances: May our eyes be no keener when we look upon thefaults of others than when we survey our own. 

Cheerful Courage: "May this be our maxim whene'er we are twirled, A fig forthe cares of this whirl-a-gig world. "

A Golden Maxim: To err is human, to forgive divine. 

Prudence in Speech: The imprudent man reflects upon what he has said, thewise man upon what he is going to say. 

Thought and Speech: It is much safer to always think what we say thanalways to say what we think. 

Everybody: May no one now feel that he has been omitted. 

Fame: The great undertaker who pays little attention to the living butmakes no end of parade over the dead. 

The Chatterbox: May he give us a few brilliant flashes of silence. 

Discretion in Speech: May we always remember the manner, the place, and thetime. 

A Happy Future: May the best day we have seen be worse than the worst thatis to come. 

HUMOROUS TOASTS. 

To a Fat Friend: May your shadow never grow less. 

May every Hair of your head be as a shining Candle to light you to glory. 

Long Life to our Friends: May the chicken never be hatched that willscratch on their graves. 

Confusion to the Early Bird: May it and the worm both be picked up. 

The Nimble Penny: May it soon grow into a dime and then swell into adollar. 

To a Sovereign: not the kind that sits on a throne, but the one that liesin our pocket. 

Our Land: May we live happy in it and never be sent out of it for ourcountry's good. 

Three Great Commanders: May we always be under the orders of General Peace, General Plenty, and General Prosperity. 

The Three Best Doctors: May Doctor Quiet, Doctor Diet, and Doctor GoodConscience ever keep us well. 

The Health of that wise and good Man who kept a Dog and yet did his ownbarking!

Here's to the health of ----: The old bird that was not caught with chaff. 

The Health of those we Love the beet; Our noble selves. 

MISCELLANEOUS ADDRESSES

Every year new occasions arise that point to a new order of celebrations. Until recently there were no centennial celebrations. Once inauguratedthese suggested semi-centennial and quarter-century ones, and as thecountry advanced in years there came the bi-centennial and ter-centennial. And the attention of the civilized globe was called to ourfourth-centennial by the unrivalled and wonderful display at the World'sExhibition in Chicago. 

In this chapter are given outlines of a miscellaneous character, someoriginal and some selected. 

OUTLINE OF CHAUNCEY M. DEPEW'S ADDRESS AT THE CENTENNIAL OF CAPTURE OFANDRÉ

This is a good model for the semi-centennial or centennial of any notedevent. 

Being in the open air the speaker referred to the grand scenery, almost thesame as one hundred years before. 

Effect on the nation's heart of such Revolutionary commemorations. 

Small events influence the currents of history. Thermopylæ and its 300;_the three plain farmers who preserved American liberty_. 

The orator then sketched compactly but vividly the critical situation of1780, and tells at length the story of Arnold's treason, its frustrationby the capture of André and his pathetic fate. This "one romance ofthe Revolution" is a thrilling tale, and all adornment is given to it. The account of the struggle to save André's life gives the interest ofcontroversy, as does the defense of Washington's course. The anecdote andthe illustrative parallel are both supplied by the case of Captain NathanHale, executed by the English as an American spy. The address closes with afitting tribute to André's three captors, whose modest monument marked thespot, and a very effective quotation of William of Orange's heroic oath athis coronation, "I will maintain. "

OUTLINE OF SPEECH BY GOVERNOR FORAKER AT THE DEDICATION OF OHIO'S MONUMENTTO THE ANDREWS RAIDERS, AT CHATTANOOGA

Why this monument and this dedication. The story of the raid, the sufferingof the raiders, and heroism of those who died. 

The controversial part covered two points--the military value of the raid, and the manner in which the raiders had been treated by the enemy whileprisoners. 

The illustrative setting was the historic background of Chattanooga and thecontrasts of war and peace. 

OUTLINE OF ADDRESS BY CHAUNCEY M. DEPEW AT DINNER ON THE 70TH BIRTHDAY OFJOHN JAY

Not on the programme--pleasantry with Mr. Choate (President) about hisrailroad fees. Mr. Choate wants it made the rule for all ex-presidentsof the club to have a dinner on their 70th birthday. This will help themto live at least that long, as Gladstone and Bismarck, when they had anobject, have lived on in spite of the doctors!

Depew, a native of the same county as three generations of Jays. Servicesof the Revolutionary Jay. 

_The Anecdote_. --General Sherman yesterday told a beautiful younggirl--Generals always interested in beautiful young girls--that he would bewilling to throw away all he was doing or had done to start at her time oflife again. But the nation could not permit that, nor could it in the caseof John Jay--closing words of tribute and esteem to the guest of theevening. 

OUTLINE OF ADDRESS BY CHAUNCEY M. DEPEW AT THE RECEPTION TO HENRY M. STANLEY BY THE LOTUS CLUB

The speaker jests about his own locks whitened by the cares of railroading, and the raven hair of the reporters--where do they get their dye?

Stanley's lecture fee, $250. --Lotus Club gets one for only the price of adinner!

Stanley a great artist in his descriptions as well as a great traveler. 

Americans a nation of travelers. --This makes railroads prosperous! Whatsome reporters have done. 

The motive makes heroism. --Livingstone the missionary--his rescue byStanley. 

The civilized Africa of the future with Stanley for its Columbus. 

SPEECHES AT A DINNER GIVEN TO THE RELIGIOUS PRESS

Toast. --"The Religious Press and Literature. "

First, what are sound views of literature; second, what is a religiouspaper? The speaker used two illustrations bound in one. A great book isthe Nilometer which measures intellectual life as the original Nilometermeasured the life and fertility of the land of Egypt. A description ofthe rise of the Nile and of the _Divine Comedy_ of Dante, as such ameasurer of the life of the Middle Ages, made up the speech. 

Toast. --"Religious Press and Questions of the Day. "

Eternity begins _here_. The paper must show on which side of anyquestion the right lies. It should go even further than this. It shouldcover a wider range of topics and aim to secure the attention of thegeneral public to the questions it discusses and so entitle it to circulatemore widely. 

Toast. --"Should Religious Papers Make Money?"

If I may make the paying papers, anybody may make the others. Moneylosing--soon comes, _hic jacet_. Money making proves usefulness andrenders the issue of a paper possible. Letter from the oldest editor of NewYork in which he says the editor is under life sentence to hard labor. 

Toast. --"The Religious Paper and Scholarship. "

He laments that he has no letter from an editor to read (like the lastspeaker), and tells a story of a Methodist, on request, praying for rain;and when a terrible storm came, the man who asked, was heard to murmur:"How these Methodists do exaggerate. " This was to show the excellence ofthe dinner. Two other stories were used by the speaker, about the lengthand discursiveness of his talk. The people need and will read deep, accurate, and scholarly productions. There ought to be a general paper forsuch. Something has been done in that direction by two religious papers. 

The speaker treated his topic by giving a semi-humorous review of thepreceding speeches. He showed how denominational traits affected eachitem in the work of the paper. He did not make just the kind of a paper_he_ liked best, for some people were of the same taste as ArtemusWard, who always ordered _hash_ at a restaurant, because he then knewwhat he was getting! The speaker also referred ironically to the mistakenidea that church papers could not pay, and gave striking instances to thecontrary. He concluded that denominational papers may be as successful intheir line as those purely undenominational and independent. 

RESPONSE TO THE TOAST, "THE NAVY: OUR COUNTRY'S BEST WALL OF DEFENSE"

1. The disasters which different ports of our country have experienced frominvading forces during three great wars. No foe now on this continent whichwe need fear--our enemies, if any, will come by sea. 

2. The defense by fortified harbors cannot be relied on, for when one placeis defended another may be attacked, and the coast-line is so great that anunguarded spot may be found. But our glorious navy will seek the foe at anyand every point. 

3. Past glory of the Navy. Paul Jones in the Revolutionary War singeingJohn Bull's beard at his own fireside. 1812. The ships of iron that keptthe Confederate States engirdled and forbade outside meddling with domestictroubles. 

4. The Navy, by showing the world that we are impregnable, should be thebest promoter of a solid peace. 

RESPONSE TO THE TOAST, "GENERAL JACKSON: A DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH, BUT ADIAMOND"

1. The hero of New Orleans, though rough, was a strong and great man. Stories about him always popular. His indorsing State papers "O. K. " when heapproved them, and saying that these letters meant "_oll korrect_. "The victor and the spoils. 

2. His connection with great questions, such as the currency andnullification. Popularity with his own party. 

3. Proved to be a great commander by the manner in which he used his veryslender resources at the battle of New Orleans--the backwoods riflemen andthe breastworks of cotton. 

RESPONSE TO THE TOAST, "THE WORKING MAN: MAY HE LOVE HIS WORK AND HAVEPLENTY OF IT, WITH GOOD WAGES PROMPTLY PAID"

1. For a healthy man a reasonable amount of work is no misfortune, buta blessing. Idleness is a curse, and leads to all kinds of evil. (Seestory in Anecdote No. 21 at end of this volume--of the tramp who earnedseventy-five cents and quit work because he feared that he could not bearthe curse of riches! Not many of us have this kind of fear. )

2. Toil with pen and brain as real, and may be as exhausting as with thehand and foot. 

3. But to defraud a workman of one cent of his earnings is a peculiarlyatrocious crime. How this may be done indirectly. All persons who believein this toast should deal justly and fairly, and try to hold others to thesame rule. 

4. The true workman wants work and fair play; not patronage and flattery, but sympathy and friendship. 

A NOMINATING SPEECH

The great conventions that nominate candidates for the Presidency of theUnited States furnish examples on the largest scale of the nominatingspeech. But officers of societies of almost any character may be nominatedin addresses that are very similar. The following outline of a speech ofgeneral character may be easily modified to suit any case in which suchhelp is desired. 

_Mr. Chairman_: It gives me great pleasure to place before you, thename of a candidate who is so well qualified and so fully deserving ofthis honor, and of every other, that may be conferred upon him, as ----. In giving him your votes, you can make no mistake. [Here state previousoffices held, or trusts filled, or other evidences of fitness for the postin view. ] In addition, I am happy to state that he represents [here namelocality, section, class, or opinion, being careful to adduce only thosewhich will be pleasing to the persons whose votes are sought. ] On hisbehalf, I can promise faithful service, and the prompt discharge of everyduty. Others may have as much zeal for the cause: some may have as longa training for the duties of this office; a few may possibly have aslegitimate a claim upon any honors or rewards in your gift, but whereelse can you find such a combination of claims?

The illustrative anecdote will naturally be of the candidate himself, ofhis popularity, availability, or other good quality, or of some person orelement strongly supporting him. 

SPEECH ACCEPTING A NOMINATION

1. An honor of which any man must be deeply sensible as well as proud. Theimportance or high character of the body making the nomination. 

2. The degree of surprise felt that the candidate should be preferred toso many worthy competitors. W by the honor is especially prized, and thereasons, if any; why the candidate would have preferred a differentselection. 

3. The motives which make him willing to bear the burdens entailed by thisnomination. 

4. The hope of being able to support his competitors for other offices, orother terms of this office. 

5. With all his sense of unworthiness, the candidate dares not set up hisjudgment against that of the honorable body which has named him, for theoffice of ----, and he therefore bows to their decision and gratefullyaccepts the [unexpected?] honor conferred upon him. Should the people--notfor his sake, but for the sake of the cause represented--have theintelligence and good judgment [of which there is not a shadow of doubt?]to indorse the nomination, he will exert all the power he possesses, tofaithfully fill the position their choice has bestowed upon him. 

SPEECH IN A POLITICAL CANVASS

No form of speech is so easy as a political address in a hot campaign. Thepeople know enough of the general argument in advance, to appreciate astrong statement of it, or the addition of new items. They already havemuch of that interest in the theme that other classes of speakers mustfirst seek to arouse. The tyro makes his feeble beginnings in the sparselysettled portions of the country, but the polished orator is welcomed bylarge audiences at the centres of population, and wins money, fame, andpossibly a high office. Americans have many opportunities of hearing goodspeeches of this character, and not only become competent judges, but learnto emulate such examples. 

1. A bright story, a personal incident, a local "hit, " or, best of all, aquick, shrewd caricature of some feature of the opposing party, will gainattention and half win the battle. A speaker was once called upon to makean address after a political opponent had taken his seat. This man atone time strongly indorsed a measure to which his own party was bitterlyopposed. The measure was defeated notwithstanding his opposition, and hewas obliged to sanction his party's action. The audience being familiarwith this, the speaker referred to it by saying: "Oh! _he_ approves, does he! Imagine a kicked, cuffed, pounded, and dragged across a road, bracing himself at every step, but forced over at last and tied to apost; then imagine _that mule_ straightening himself up and saying, 'Thank Heaven, we crossed that road, didn't we?' It was difficult to movethe mule, he was obstinate, but it made no difference. My opponent wasobstinate too, but what did it avail!"

2. The criticism of our opponents' platform or principles. Their fallacies, mistakes, and misrepresentations. 

3. Their history. How they have carried out all their bad and dangerousdoctrines, but have slurred over and allowed to drop out of sight theirpromises of good. 

4. The contrast. Plain statement [and there is nothing more effective in aspeech than a plain, dear, and condensed statement] of the opposing issues. 

5. The man. [The personal element in a canvas nearly always overshadowspolitical doctrine, except when a new party or new measure is rising intoprominence. ] Our men brilliant, able, safe. Our opponents the opposite. [Public character only should be criticized. Gossip, scandal, slanderare abominable, and seldom well received by any audience. Poison, theassassin's dagger, and the spreading of infamous stories do not belong tohonorable warfare. ]

SPEECH AFTER A POLITICAL VICTORY. SELECTED

1. We are masters of the field. Completeness of victory [told in militarylanguage]. 

2. Sympathy for the defeated. We will treat their leaders with GoodSamaritan generosity, but we invite the rank and file to enlist with us, unless they prefer to go home and pray for better luck next time. 

3. Only by joining us can they get a nibble at the spoils. Probably theywill, for many of them are men of seven principles--five loaves and twofishes. The "cohesive power of public plunder. "

4. We must not be careless after victory, but reorganize, be vigilant, keepour powder dry. The "outs" are hungry, and an enemy will fight terribly forrations. "Brag is a good dog, but Holdfast is a better. "

5. Now let us all rejoice over the defeat of a party many of whose memberswe respect personally, but which, as a whole, we regard as an immensenuisance. 

SPEECH AFTER A POLITICAL DEFEAT. SELECTED

My Political Brethren: You seem to be in the dumps! Don't like the figures;wish they were a cunningly devised fable. How did it happen? Big vote andintolerable cheating cooked our goose. But we are india-rubber and steelsprings, and no amount of hard usage can take the fight out of us. 

Let our opponents laugh! We are not savage--would not hurt a hair of theirheads personally, but politically will skin them alive next time. But weprefer to convert them, and hope they will hear our speakers as often aspossible before the next election. 

A CHAIRMAN'S OR PRESIDENT'S SPEECH

At a public meeting some one interested in the object for which it hasconvened calls the assembly to order. After securing attention he proposesthe name of some person as chairman or president. When the nomination isseconded he takes the vote and announces the election. It will then be inorder for the person chosen to take a position facing the assembly and tomake a brief speech. 

"Ladies and Gentlemen: I have no wish to disparage your judgment, althoughI think it might have been exercised to better advantage by electing someof the able persons I see before me. But I thank you for this honor, whichI appreciate the more highly and accept the more readily because of saydeep interest in the question of ----, which is now before us. First, however, please nominate a secretary. "

When, however, the president or chairman elected is himself a prime moverin the business for which the meeting is called, it will be perfectlyproper for him to extend his speech, upon accepting the chair, by statingclearly but briefly the object of the meeting; or, if he prefers, he mayask some one in whose powers of plausible and persuasive statement he hasconfidence to do this in his place. Formal argument is not advisable inthe opening speech; but the best argument consists in giving a compactstatement and ample information. In this way the cause may be half won bythe chairman's speech or the speech of his proxy. 

A GENERAL OUTLINE FOE ALL OCCASIONS

_The Introduction_. The speaker's modesty or inability, the latenessof the hour, the merit of preceding speeches, the literary treats that areto follow, the character of the dinner, personal allusion to the presidentor to the audience--_but not all of these in one address_. 

_The Discussion_. Here refer to the toast or theme--be sure to put ina humorous anecdote. Make it as appropriate as possible, but don't fail tobring it in. Get up a short controversy: set up a man of straw if you canfind nobody else, and then make an onslaught upon him; but _be sure hehas no friends in the audience_!

_Conclusion_. A graceful compliment to some one, a reference to anexpected speaker, or a word indicating the part of your subject of whichyou will not treat, or give a _very_ quick summary of what you havealready said. 

ILLUSTRATIVE AND HUMOROUS ANECDOTES

With a number of the following anecdotes a few suggestions are given asto the manner in which they may be used. The habit of thinking how a goodstory may be brought into an address should be formed, after which thesehints will be superfluous. At the outset they may help to form the habit. 

1. INDEPENDENCE OF A MONOPOLY

[A good illustration of complete independence. It can be used as a humorousdescription of a monopoly or as a compliment to a man who has completecontrol of his own affairs. ]

An inquisitive passenger on a railroad recently had the following dialogue:

"Do you use the block system on this road?" inquired the passenger. 

"No, sir, " replied the conductor, "we have no use for it. "

"Do you use the electric or pneumatic signals?"

"No, sir. "

"Have you a double track?"

"No. "

"Well, of course, you have a train dispatcher, and run all trains bytelegraph?"

"No. "

"I see you have no brakeman. How do you flag the rear of your train if youare stopped from any cause between stations?"'

"We don't flag. "

"Indeed! What a way to run a railroad! A man takes his life in his handwhen he rides on it. This is criminally reckless!"

"See here, mister! If you don't like this railroad you can get off andwalk. I am president of this road and its sole owner. I am also boardof directors, treasurer, secretary, general manager, superintendent, paymaster, trackmaster, general passenger agent, general freight agent, master mechanic, ticket agent, conductor, brakeman, and boss. This isthe Great Western Railroad of Kentucky, six miles long, with termini atHarrodsburg and Harrodsburg Junction. This is the only train on the road ofany kind, and ahead of us is the only engine. We never have collisions. Theengineer does his own firing, and runs the repair shop and round-house allby himself. He and I run this railway. It keeps us pretty busy, but we'vealways got time to stop and eject a sassy passenger. So you want to behaveyourself and go through with us, or you will have your baggage set off hereby the haystack!"

2. EXPLANATION

[To ridicule extravagant explanations that do not explain--or unreasonablepretensions to antiquity. ]

An old Scotch lady, who had no relish for modern church music, wasexpressing her dislike to the singing of an anthem in her own church oneday, when a neighbor said: "Why, that is a very old anthem! David sang thatanthem to Saul. " To this the old lady replied: "Weel, weel! I noo for thefirst time understan' why Saul threw his javelin at David when the lad sangfor him. "

3. RIDING A HOBBY

[To illustrate hobby-riding--very appropriate where many toasts andspeeches run in one line. ]

A boy in Buffalo, N. Y. , who was asked to write out what he considered anideal holiday dinner _ménu_, evolved the following:

 Furst Corse. Mince pie. Second Corse. Pumpkin pie and turkey. Third Corse. Lemon pie, turkey, and cranberries Fourth Corse. Custard pie, apple pie, chocolate cake and plum pudding. Dessert. Pie. 

4. HOBSON'S CHOICE

[Suitable caricature for any one who tries to make merit of doing what hecannot help. ]

"If my employer does not retract what he said to me this morning I shallleave his store. " "Why, what did he say?" "He told me to look for anotherplace. "

5. WHEN TO BE SILENT

[A silent guest might tell this to show that he had found a way to be ofgreatest service at a banquet. ]

Mrs. Penfield--"My husband has found a way by which he says I am of thegreatest help to him in his literary work. "

Mrs. Hillaire--"How nice that must be for you, my dear! But how are youable to do it?"

Mrs. Penfield--"As soon as I see him at his desk I go into another room andkeep perfectly quiet until he has finished. "

6. PAYING FOR YOUR WHISTLE

[Would be a good answer to one who gave a compliment, and tried in that wayto shove off a speech or other duty upon the one complimented. ]

McSwatters--"It's very funny. "

Mrs. McSwatters--"What is?"

McSwatters--"Why, when the doctor treats me I always have to pay for it. "

7. GOOSE-CHASE

[Would come in well after several had declined to speak, the goose beingthe one who finally consents and tells the story. ]

A lady had been looking for a friend for a long time without success. Finally, she came upon her in an unexpected way. "Well, " she exclaimed, "I've been on a perfect wild-goose chase all day long, but, thank goodness, I've found you at last. "

8. THE PERPLEXED SAGE

[To show that the chairman may safely confide in his own power to managesuch poor material as the person who tells the story assumes himself tobe. ]

"And now what is it?" asked the sage, as the young man timidly approached. "Pray, tell me, " asked the youth, "does a woman marry a man because ofher confidence in the man, or because of her confidence in her ability tomanage him?" For once the sage had to take the question under advisement. 

9. QUICK THOUGHT

[The following illustrates the advantages of a happy retort, the importanceof a felicitous phrase, or of quick thought and ready speech. It might besaid that the preceding speaker was as ready as:]

When Napoleon (then a student at Brienne) was asked how he would supplyhimself with provisions in a closely-invested town, he answered, without amoment's hesitation, "From the enemy, " which so pleased the examiners thatthey passed him without further questions. 

10. [The Russian General Suvaroff is said to have promoted one of hissergeants for giving substantially the same answer. ]

The Emperor Paul, of Russia, was so provoked by the awkwardness of anofficer on review that he ordered him to resign at once and retire to hisestate. "But he has no estate, " the commander ventured. "Then give himone!" thundered the despot, whose word was law, and the man gained more byhis blunders than he could have done by years of the most skillful service. 

11. [The anger of an actor took the same turn as that of the Czar. ]

Colley Cibber once missed his "cue, " and the confusion that followedspoiled the best passage of Betterton, who was manager as well as actor. Herushed behind the scenes in a towering passion, and exclaimed, "Forfeit, Master Colley; you shall be fined for such stupidity!" "It can't be done, "said a fellow-actor, "for he gets no salary. " "Put him down for tenshillings a week and fine him five!" cried the furious manager. 

12. INSIGNIFICANT THINGS

[The need of accuracy, or how insignificant things sometimes change themeaning, is shown by the following. ]

A merchant of London wrote his East India factor to send him 2 or 3 apes;but he forgot to write the "r" in "or, " and the factor wrote that he hadsent 80, and would send the remainder of the 2 0 3 as soon as they could begathered in. 

13. A very well-known writer had a similar experience. He was sellingcopies of his first literary venture, and telegraphed to the publisher tosend him "three hundred books at once. " He answered. "Shall I send them onan emigrant train, or must they go first-class? Had to scour the city overto get them. You must be going into the hotel business on a great scale toneed so many Cooks. " I was bewildered; but all was explained when a copy ofthe dispatch showed that the telegraph clerk had mistaken the small "b" fora capital "C. "

14. MAKING AN EXCUSE; OR, JOHNNY PEEP

[A guest pleading to be excused from a speech or a song might say that hewanted to be accounted as "Johnny Peep" in the following story which AllanCunningham tells of Robert Burns. ]

Strolling one day in Cumberland the poet lost his friends, and thinking tofind them at a certain tavern he popped his head in at the door. Seeing noone there but three strangers, he apologized, and was about to retire, whenone of the strangers called out, "Come in, Johnny Peep. " This invitationthe convivial poet readily accepted, and spent a very pleasant time withhis newly-found companions. As the conversation began to flag, it wasproposed that each should write a verse, and place it, together withtwo-and-six pence, under the candlestick, the best poet to take thehalf-crowns, while the unsuccessful rhymers were to settle the bill amongthem. According to Cunningham, Burns obtained the stakes by writing:

 "Here am I, Johnny Peep; I saw three sheep, And these three sheep saw me. Half-a-crown apiece Will pay for their fleece, And so Johnny Peep goes free. "

15. STERN LOGIC

[Probably this boy would have seen the necessity of avoiding such richbanquets as this. ]

"Say, ma, do they play base-ball in heaven?"

"Why, no, my dear; of course not. Why do you ask?"

"Huh! Well, you don't catch me being good and dying young then; that'sall. "

16. MISTAKEN BREVITY

["Brevity is the soul of wit;" and calculation and economy are verycommendable; but they may be carried to extremes. This may be used when thelast speaker has closed a little abruptly. ]

This is the message the telegraph messenger handed a young man from hisbetrothed "Come down as soon as you can; I am dying. Kate. "

Eight hours later he arrived at the summer hotel, to be met on the piazzaby Kate herself. 

"Why, what did you mean by sending me such a message?" he asked. 

"Oh!" she gurgled, "I wanted to say that I was dying to see you, but my tenwords ran out, and I had to stop. "

17. CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME

Breslau, a celebrated juggler, being at Canterbury with his troupe, metwith such bad success that they were almost starved. He repaired to thechurch wardens, and promised to give a night's takings to the poor if theparish would pay for hiring a room, etc. The charitable bait took, thebenefit proved a bumper, and the next morning the church wardens waitedupon the wizard to touch the receipts. "I have already disposed of dem, "said Breslau; "de profits were for de poor. I have kept my promise, andgiven de money to my own people, who are de poorest in dis parish!"

"Sir!" exclaimed the church wardens, "this is a trick. "

"I know it, " replied the conjurer; "I live by my tricks. "

18. CHARITY; OR, A GOOD WORD FOR EVERY ONE--EVEN THE DEVIL. 

[It is well to feel charitably and kindly at all times, but especially ata dinner party. ]

A friend said to a Scotchman who was celebrated for possessing theseamiable qualities, "I believe you would actually find something to admirein Satan himself. " The canny Scot replied, "Ah! weel, weel, we must a'admit, that auld Nick has great energy and perseverance. "

[If the chairman has been very persistent in calling out reluctantspeakers, the foregoing would be a good story to turn the laugh upon him. ]

19. INGENIOUS REASON

[The Scotchman referred to in the last anecdote was as ingenious in findinga reason as the boy mentioned in the following:]

"Can you suggest any reason why I should print your poem?" said theoverbearing editor. 

The dismal youth looked thoughtful, and then replied:

"You know I always inclose a stamp for the return of rejected manuscript?"

"Yes. "

"Well, if you print it you can keep the stamp. "

20. AMBIGUITY OF WORDS

[The equivocal use of words in our language. ]

Recently a west-bound train on the Fitchburg (Mass. ) Railroad had just leftthe town of Athol When the conductor noticed among the new passengers ayoung man of intelligent appearance. He asked for the young man's fare, andthe latter handed him a ticket to Miller's Falls and with it a cent. For amoment the conductor suspected a joke, but a look at the passenger's faceconvinced him to the contrary. 

"What is this cent for?" the conductor asked. 

"Why, I see, " answered the young fellow, "that the ticket isn't good unlessit is stamped, and as I don't happen to have a stamp with me I give you thecent instead. You can put it on, can't you?"

The good-natured conductor handed back the coin with a smile, remarkingthat it was a small matter, and he would see that it was all right. 

21. USELESS REGRET

[Persons who pretend to regret something without making a real effort tobetter it are hit off by this anecdote. ]

A father called his son rather late in the morning, and finding him stillabed, indignantly demanded: "Are you not _ashamed_ to be caught asleepthis time of day?"

"Yes, rather, " returned the ingenious youth, "but I'd ruther _beashamed_ than git up. "

22. NO HAPPINESS IN WEALTH

[The great advantage of being fully adapted to one's situation andcontented with it. ]

There are people who cannot hold their heads under the influence of suddenriches. They immediately begin to degenerate. They have become so used tohumble circumstances that wealth is a curse. Here is a case:

A tramp, for some mysterious reason, had accepted an offer to work aboutthe place, for which he was to receive his meals, sundry old clothes, and25 cents a day in cash. For the first two or three days he did very well, and he was paid 50 cents on account. He did not spend the money, but hebegan to grow listless and sad, and at the end of the week he interviewedhis employer. 

"You've been very kind to me, sir, " he said, "and I want to thank you forwhat you have done. "

"That's all right, " was the reply. "I'm glad to be able to help you. "

"I know that, sir, and I appreciate it, but I shall have to give it all up, sir. "

"What's that for? Don't I pay you enough?"

"Oh! yes, sir; that isn't it. I have 75 cents left, sir, but I find thatmoney doesn't bring happiness, sir, and I guess I'll resign and go back tothe old ways, sir. Wealth is a curse to some people, sir, and I fancy Ibelong to that class. Good-bye, sir. " And he shambled off down the path andstruck the highway. 

23. SHORT BUT POINTED

[Splendid for a speaker called up rather late in the evening--even if heshould make a short speech afterward. ]

Being nobody in particular, a Mr. Bailey was placed last on the list of thespeakers. The chairman introduced several speakers whose names were not onthe list, and the audience were tired out when he said, "Mr. Bailey willnow give you his address. "

"My address, " said Mr. Bailey, rising, "is No. 45 Loughboro Park, BrixtonRoad, and I wish you all good night. "

24. REASONING IN A CIRCLE

[This is very common, as in the case of the heroine of this story. ]

The director of a Chicago bank tells how his wife overdrew her account atthe bank one day last month. "I spoke to her about it one evening, " saidhe, "and told her she ought to adjust it at once. A day or two afterwardI asked her if she had done what I suggested. 'Oh! yes, ' she answered. 'Iattended to that matter the very next morning after you spoke about it. Isent the bank my check for the amount I had overdrawn. '"

25. EXTREME ECONOMY

[Economy is a great virtue, but it should not be extreme. ]

An old lady of Massachusetts was famed in her native township for healthand thrift. To an acquaintance who was once congratulating her upon theformer she said:

"We be pretty well for old folks, Josiah and me. Josiah hasn't had anailin' time for fifty years, 'cept last winter. And I ain't never sufferedbut one day in my life, and that was when I took some of the medicineJosiah had left over, so's how it shouldn't be wasted. "

26. SENSIBLE TO THE LAST

[How we commend those who take our standards and help us. ]

A story is told of a late Dublin doctor, famous for his skill and also hisgreat love of money. He had a constant and profitable patient in an oldshopkeeper in Dame Street. This old lady was terribly rheumatic and unableto leave her sofa. During the doctor's visit she kept a £1 note in herhand, which duly went into Dr. C. 's pocket. One morning he found her lyingdead on the sofa. Sighing deeply, the doctor approached, and taking herhand in his, he saw the fingers closed on his fee. "Poor thing, " he saidas he pocketed it, "sensible to the last. "

27. FISHING FOR A COMPLIMENT

[Fishing for compliments is sometimes dangerous. ]

A well-known Congressman, who was a farmer before he went into politics, was doing his district not long ago, and in his rambles he saw a man in astumpy patch of ground trying to get a plow through it. He went over tohim, and after a brief salutation he asked the privilege of making a turnor two with the plow. The native shook his head doubtfully as he lookedat his visitor's store clothes and general air of gentleman of elegantleisure, but he let him take the plow. The Congressman sailed away withit in fine style, and plowed four or five furrows before the owner of thefield could recover his surprise. Then he pulled up and handed the handlesover to the original holder. 

"By gravy, mister, " said the farmer, admiringly, "air you in theaggercultural business?"

"No, " laughed the statesman. 

"Y'ain't selling plows?"

"No. "

"Then what in thunder air you?"

"I'm the member of Congress from this district. "

"Air you the man I voted for and that I've been reading about in the papersdoin' legislatin' and sich in Washington?"

"Yes. "

"Well, by hokey, mister, " said the farmer, as he looked with admirationover the recently-plowed furrows, "ef I'd a had any idea that I was votin'fer a waste of sich good farmin' material I'd voted fer the other candidateas shore as shootin'. "

28. BEYOND EXPRESSION

[When called on for a speech one may answer the chairman in the words ofthis lady:]

She was in her room when some people came to call. Her husband received thecompany, and after awhile said to his daughter, who was playing about theroom:

"Go up-stairs and tell your mamma that Mr. And Mrs. Blank have come tocall. "

The child went, and after a while returned and began to play again. 

"Did you tell your mamma that Mr. And Mrs. Blank are here?" asked thefather. 

"Oh! yes. "

"And what did she say?"

The little girl looked up, and after a moment's hesitation, exclaimed:

"She said--well, she said, 'O dear!'"

29. THE TOAST OF THE EVENING

[The comment upon this incident by the editor is not less amusing than thespeech. ]

It is not always a pleasant thing to be called upon suddenly to address apublic meeting of any sort, as is amusingly illustrated by the followingspeech at the opening of a free hospital by one who was certainly not bornan orator:

"Gentlemen--ahem--I--I--I rise to say--that is, I wish to propose a toast, which I think you'll all say--ahem--I think, at least, that this toast is, as you'll say, the toast of the occasion. Gentlemen, I belong to a goodmany of these things, and I say, gentlemen, that this hospital requires nopatronage--at least, what I mean is, you don't want any recommendation. You've only got to be ill--got to be ill. "

"Now, gentlemen, I find by the report" (turning over the leaves in afidgety way) "that from the year seventeen--no eighteen--no, ah, yes, I'mright--eighteen hundred and fifty--no, it's a '3'--thirty-six--eighteenhundred and thirty-six, no less than one hundred and ninety-threemillions--no! ah!" (to a committeeman at his side) "Eh? oh, yes, thankyou--yes--one hundred and ninety-three thousand--two millions--no" (after aclose scrutiny at the report) "two hundred and thirty-one--one hundred andninety-three thousand, two hundred and thirty-one! Gentlemen, I beg topropose--success to this admirable institution!"

To what the large and variously stated figures referred no one in theaudience ever felt positive, but all agreed, as he had said they would, that this was the toast of the evening. 

30. BEE LINE

[He knew how to escape from more than one kind of fire. ]

A soldier on guard in South Carolina during the war was questioned as tohis knowledge of his duties. 

"You know your duty here, do you, sentinel?"

"Yes, sir. "

"Well, now, suppose they should open on you with shells and musketry, whatwould you do?"

"Form a line, sir. "

"What! one man form a line?"

"Yes, sir; form a bee-line for camp, sir. "

31. VENTRILOQUISM

["Take the good the Gods provide. "]

At Raglan Castle, said Mr. Ganthony, the ventriloquist, I gave anentertainment in the open air, and throwing my voice up into theivy-covered ruins, said: "What are you doing there?"

To my amazement a boy answered: "I climbed up 'ere this mornin' just to seethe folk and 'ear the music; I won't do no harm. "

I replied: "Very well, stay there, and don't let any one see you, do youhear?"

The reply came: "Yes, muster, I 'ear. "

This got me thunders of applause. I made up my mind to risk it, so I bowed, and the boy never showed himself. 

32. A SLIGHT MISTAKE

[Orders should be strictly obeyed. ]

A celebrated German physician, according to a London paper, was once calledupon to treat an aristocratic lady, the sole cause of whose complaint washigh living and lack of exercise. But it would never have done to tell herso. So his medical advice was:

"Arise at five o clock, take a walk in the park for one hour, then drink acup of tea, then walk another hour, and take a cup of chocolate. Takebreakfast at eight. "

Her condition improved visibly, until one fine morning the carriage of thebaroness was seen to approach the physician's residence at lightning speed. The patient dashed up to the doctor's house, and on his appearing on thescene she gasped out:

"O doctor! I took the chocolate first!"

"Then drive home as fast as you can, " directed the astute disciple ofÆsculapius, rapidly writing a prescription, "and take this emetic. The teamust be underneath. "

The grateful patient complied. She is still improving. 

33. PRESENCE OF MIND

[A fine story to illustrate the value (money value) of presence of mind. ]

A witty person whom Bismarck was commissioned by the Emperor to decoratewith the Iron Cross of the first class, discomfited the Chancellor'sattempt to chaff him. "I am authorized, " said Bismarck, "to offer you onehundred thalers instead of the cross. " "How much is the cross worth?" askedthe soldier. "Three thalers. " "Very well, then, your highness, I'll takethe cross and ninety-seven thalers. " Bismarck was so surprised and pleasedby the ready shrewdness of the reply that he gave the man both the crossand the money. 

34. JOKE ON A DUDE

[A good story for one who has some power of personation, for the dudes getlittle sympathy. ]

A crowded car ran down the other evening. Within was a full-blown, eye-glassed, drab-gaitered dude, apparently satisfied that he was jammed inamong an admiring community. On the rear platform a cheery young mechanicwas twitting the conductor and occasionally making a remark to a freshpassenger. Everybody took it in good part as a case of inoffensive highspirits, all but the dude, who evinced a strong disgust. 

When the young man called out to an old gentleman, "Sit out here, guvinor, on the back piazza, " or to another, "Don't crowd there; stay wherethe breezes blow, " the dude looked daggers, and at last, grabbing theconductor's elbow and indicating the young man by a nod of the head, evidently entered a protest. Every one saw it. So did the young man, andhe gathered his wits together like a streak to finish that dude. He didit all with an imperturbable good humor and seriousness which would carryconviction to the most doubting. 

"Well, I never!" he began, poking his head inside the doorway with an airof comic surprise. "Jes' to see you a-sitting there, dressed up like that. Catch on to them gaiters, will you? Ain't you got the nerve to go up anddown Broadway fixed up like that, and your poor father and mother workin'hard at home? Ain't you 'shamed o' yourself, and your father a honest, hard-workin' driver, and your mother a decent, respectable washwoman? Y'ain't no good, or you wouldn't have gev up your place, and I think I'll golook after it myself and put a decent man in it. "

He stepped off the car as if bent on doing this at once, and the dude, unable to resist the ridicule of the situation or defend the attack, hastily stepped off after him. 

35. NEWSPAPER REPORTER

[Equally good for a missionary meeting or a gathering of newspaper men. ]

A young journalist was requested to write something about the ZenanaMission. He assured the readers of the paper that among the many scenesof missionary labor, none had of late attracted more attention than theZenana Mission, and assuredly none was more deserving of this attention. Comparatively few years had passed since Zenana had been opened up toBritish trade, but already, owing to the devotion of a handful of men andwomen, the nature of the inhabitants had been almost entirely changed. The Zenanese, from being a savage people, had become, in a wonderfullyshort space of time, practically civilized; and recent travelers toZenana had returned with the most glowing accounts of the continuedprogress of the good work in that country. He then branched off into the"laborer-worthy-of-his-hire" side of this great work, and the questionwas aptly asked if the devoted laborers in that remote vineyard were notdeserving of support. Were civilization and Christianity to be snatchedfrom the Zenanese just when both were within their grasp? So on for nearlyhalf a column the writer meandered in the most orthodox style, just as hehad done scores of times before when advocating certain missions. Some onewho found him the next day running his finger down the letter Z, in theindex to the "Handy Atlas, " with a puzzled look upon his face, knew he hadhad a letter from the editor. 

36. HOW A WOMAN PROPOSED

[A variation of the old and always pleasing theme. ]

They were dining off fowl in a restaurant. "You see, " he explained, as heshowed her the wishbone, "you take hold here. Then we must both make a wishand pull, and when it breaks the one who has the bigger part of it willhave his or her wish granted. " "But I don't know what to wish for, " sheprotested. "Oh! you can think of something, " he said. "No, I can't, " shereplied; "I can't think of anything I want very much. " "Well, I'll wishfor you, " he exclaimed. "Will you, really?" she asked. "Yes. " "Well, then, there's no use fooling with the old wishbone, " she interrupted, with a gladsmile, "you can have me. "

37. LUCKY ANSWER

[Certainly Thompson would be a lawyer, ready for any emergency. ]

In times past there was in a certain law school an aged and eccentricprofessor. "General information" was the old gentleman's hobby. He heldit as incontrovertible that if a young lawyer possessed a large fund ofmiscellaneous knowledge, combined with an equal amount of common sense, he would be successful in life. So every year the professor put on hisexamination papers a question very far removed from the subject of criminallaw. One year it was, "How many kinds of trees are there in the collegeyard?" the next, "What is the make-up of the present English cabinet?"

Finally the professor thought he had invented the best question of hislife. It was, "Name twelve animals that inhabit the polar regions. " Theprofessor chuckled as he wrote this down. He was sure he would "pluck"half the students on that question and it was beyond a doubt that thatopprobrious young loafer Thompson would fail. But when the professor readthe examination papers, Thompson, who had not answered another question, was the only man who had solved the polar problem. This was Thompson'sanswer: "Six seals and six polar bears. " Thompson got his degree withdistinction. 

38. DOUBLE EDUCATION

A young doctor, wishing to make a good impression upon a German farmer, mentioned the fact that he had received a double education, as it were. Hehad studied homoeopathy, and was also a graduate of a "regular" medicalschool. "Oh! dot vas noding, " said the farmer, "I had vonce a calf votsucked two cows, and he made nothing but a common schteer after all. "

39. REMNANTS

[This and the preceding have a little spice of ill-nature, and whileenjoyable must be applied carefully. ]

Wife--"Such a dream as I had last night, dear!"

Husband--"May I hear about it?"

"Well, yes; I dreamed I was in a great establishment where they soldhusbands. They were beauties; some in glass cases and marked at fearfulprices, and others were sold at less figures. Girls were paying outfortunes, and getting the handsomest men I ever saw. It was wonderful. "

"Did you see any like me there, dear?"

"Yes; just as I was leaving I saw a whole lot like you lying on the remnantcounter. "

40. INDIRECT AND DIRECT

[The following instances show that it is necessary to heed indirect as wellas direct meanings. ]

Mr. Callon, M. P. For Louth, Ireland, a stanch opponent of the SundayClosing and Permissive Bill and personally a great benefactor to theRevenue, replying to the Irish Attorney-General, said: "The facts relied onby the learned gentleman are very strange. Now, Mr. Speaker, _I swallow agood deal_. ['Hear, hear, ' 'Quite true, ' 'Begorra, you can, ' and roarsof laughter. ] I repeat, _I can swallow a great deal_ ['Hear, hear, 'and fresh volleys of laughter], but I can't swallow that. " A few nightsbefore, in a debate which had to do with the Jews, Baron de Worms had justremarked, "_We owe much to the Jews_, " when there came a feeling groanfrom a well-known member in his back corner, "_We do_. "

41. AN UNMARRIED MAN'S WIFE

At a dinner at Delmonico's, after the bottle had made its tenth round, one of the company proposed this toast: "To the man whose wife was nevervixenish to him!" A wag of an old bachelor jumped up and said: "Gentlemen, as I am the only _unmarried_ man at this table, I suppose that thattoast was intended for me. "

42. A DILEMMA

"I am no good unless I strike, " said the match. "And you lose your headevery time you do strike, " said the box. 

43. COURAGEOUS GIRL

[The following is a good instance of an elaborate story and a sharpretort. ]

It is not always safe to presume upon the timidity or ignorance of folks. The most demure may be the most courageous. A gentleman who attemptedto play a practical joke in order to test the courage of a servant, wasnonplused in a very unexpected way. Here is his story:

I am very particular about fastening the doors and windows of my house. Ido not intend to leave them open at night as an invitation to burglars toenter. You see, I was robbed once in that way last year, and I never meanto be again; so when I go to bed I like to be sure that every door andwindow is securely fastened. 

Last winter my wife engaged a big, strong country girl, and the new-comerwas very careless about the doors at night. On two or three occasions Icame down-stairs to find a window up or the back door unlocked. I cautionedher, but it did her no good. I therefore determined to frighten her. I gotsome false whiskers, and one night about eleven o'clock I crept down theback-stairs to the kitchen, where she was. She had turned down the gas, andwas in her chair by the fire fast asleep, as I could tell by her breathing, but the moment I struck a match she awoke. 

I expected a great yelling and screaming, but nothing of the sort tookplace. She bounced out of her seat with a "You villain!" on her lips, seized a chair by the back, and before I had made a move she hit me overthe head, forcing me to my knees. I tried to get up, tried to explain who Iwas, but in vain. Before I could get out of the room she struck me again, and it was only after I had tumbled up the back-stairs that she gavethe alarm. Then she came up to my room, rapped at the door, and coollyannounced:

"Mr. ----, please get up. I've killed a burglar. "

44. MORAL SUASION

"What are your usual modes of punishment?" was among the questionssubmitted to a teacher in rural district in Ohio. Her answer was, "I trymoral suasion first, and if that does not work I use capital punishment. "

As it was a neighborhood where moral suasion had not been a success, andthe children were scarce the committee took no risks. 

45. CUTE BOY

The teacher in geography was putting the class through a few simple tests:

"On which side of the earth is the North Pole?" he inquired. 

"On the north side, " came the unanimous answer. 

"On which side is the South Pole?"

"On the south side?"

"Now, on which side are the most people?"

This was a poser, and nobody answered. Finally, a very young scholar heldup his hand. 

"I know, " he said, hesitatingly, as if the excess of his knowledge was toomuch for him. 

"Good for you, " said the teacher, encouragingly; "tell the class on whichside the most people are. "

"On the outside, " piped the youngster, and whatever answer the teacher hadin her mind was lost in the shuffle. 

46. PERPLEXED

Bob--"Hello! I'm awfully glad to see you!" Dick--"I guess there must besome mistake. I don't owe you anything, and I am not in a condition toplace you in a position to owe me anything!"

47. BEN FRANKLIN'S OYSTERS

Benjamin Franklin was not unlike other boys in his love for sophomoricphrases. It is related that one day he told his father that he hadswallowed some acephalus molluscus, which so alarmed him that he shriekedfor help. The mother came in with warm water, and forced half a gallondown Benjamin's throat with the garden pump, then held him upside down, the father saying, "If we don't get those things out of Bennie he'll bepoisoned sure. " When Benjamin was allowed to get his breath he explainedthat the articles referred to were oysters. His father was so indignantthat he whipped him for an hour for frightening the family. Franklin neverafterward used a word with two syllables when a monosyllable would do. 

48. FAMILY AFFAIRS

"Newlywed seems to find particular delight in parading his little familyaffairs before the eyes of his acquaintances, " "Does he? What are they?Scandals?" "Nop, twins. "

49. A BURGLAR'S EXPERIENCE

A New York paper prints this extract from the reminiscences of a retiredburglar:

"I think about the most curious man I ever met, " said the retired burglar, "I met in a house in eastern Connecticut, and I shouldn't know him, either, if I should meet him again unless I should hear him speak. It was so darkwhere I met him that I never saw him at all. I had looked around the housedown-stairs, and actually hadn't seen a thing worth carrying off. It wasthe poorest house I ever was in, and it wasn't a bad-looking house on theoutside, either. I got up-stairs and groped around a little, and finallyturned into a room that was darker than Egypt. I had not gone more thanthree steps in this room when I heard a man say:

"'Hello, there. '

"'Hello, ' says I. 

"'Who are you?' says the man; 'burglar?'

"And I said yes; I did do something in that line occasionally. 

"'Miserable business to be in, ain't it?' said the man. His voice came froma bed over in the corner of the room, and I knew he hadn't even sat up. 

"And I said, 'Well, I dunno. I got to support my family some way. '

"'Well, you've just wasted a night here, ' says the man. 'Did you seeanything down-stairs worth stealing?'

"And I said no, I hadn't. 

"'Well, there's less up-stairs, ' says the man; and then I heard him turnover and settle down to go to sleep again. I'd like to have gone over thereand kicked him, but I didn't. It was getting late, and I thought, allthings considered, that I might just as well let him have his sleep out. "

50. HITTING A LAWYER

"Have you had a job to-day, Tim?" inquired a well-known legal gentlemanof the equally well-known, jolly, florid-faced old drayman, who, rain orshine, summer or winter, is rarely absent from his post. 

"Bedad, I did, sor. "

"How many?"

"Only two, sor. "

"How much did you get for both?"

"Sivinty cints, sor. "

"Seventy cents! How in the world do you expect to live and keep a horse onseventy cents a day?"

"Some days I have half a dozen jobs, sor. But bizness has been dull to-day, sor. On'y the hauling of a thrunk for a gintilman for forty cints an' aload av furniture for thirty cints; an' there was the pots an' the kittles, an' there's no telling phat; a big load, sor. "

"Do you carry big loads of household goods for thirty cents?"

"She was a poor widdy, sor, an' had no more to give me. I took all she had, sor; an' bedad, sor, a lyyer could have done no better nor that, sor. "

51. CUTTING SHORT A PRAYER

Many a spiritual history is condensed into a miniature in the following:

Two fishermen--Jamie and Sandy--belated and befogged on a rough water, werein some trepidation lest they should never get ashore again. At last Jamiesaid:

"Sandy, I'm steering, and I think you'd better put up a bit of a prayer. "

Sandy said: "I don't know how. "

Jamie said: "If you don't I'll just chuck ye overboard. "

Sandy began: "O Lord, I never asked onything of Ye for fifteen year, and ifYe'll only get us safe back I'll never trouble Ye again. "

"Whist, Sandy, " said Jamie, "_the boat's touched shore; don't be beholdento onybody_. "

52. UNREMITTING KINDNESS

Jerrold was asked if he considered a man kind who remitted no funds to hisfamily when away. "Oh! yes. _Unremitting kindness_, " said he. 

53. AMUSING BLUNDER

One of the passengers on board the ill-fated "Metis" at the time of thedisaster was an exceedingly nervous man, who, while floating in the water, imagined how his friends would acquaint his wife of his fate. Saved atlast, he rushed to the telegraph office and sent this message: "Dear P----, I am saved. _Break it gently to my wife. _"

54. COMPLIMENT TO A LADY

[How nicely this might fit into a ladies' party. ]

Sidney Smith, the cultivated writer and divine, who, when describing hiscountry residence, declared that he lived twelve miles from a lemon, wastold by a beautiful girl that a certain pea in his garden would never cometo perfection. "Permit me then, " said he, taking her by the hand, "_tolead perfection to the pea_. "

55. TOO SLIM

[The great evil of mixing religion and politics are well set forth in thefollowing incident:]

"Gabe, " said the governor to an old colored man, "I understand that youhave been ousted from your position of Sunday-school superintendent. "

"Yes, sah, da figured aroun' till da got me out. II was all a piece ofpolitical work, though; and I doan see why de law of de lan' doan preventde Sunday-schools an' churches from takin' up political matters!"

"How did politics get you out?"

"Yer see, some time ago, when I was a candidate for justice ob de peace, Igin' a barbecue ter some ob my frien's. De udder day da brung up de fackan' ousted me. "

"I don't see why the fact that you gave a barbecue to your friends shouldhave caused any trouble. "

"Neider does myse'f, boss; but yer see da said dat I stole de hogs what Ibarbecued. De proof wa'nt good, an' I think dat da done wrong in ackin'upon sech slim testimony. Da said dat I cotch de hogs in a corn fid'. Iknow dat wan't true, 'case it was a wheat fid' whar I cotch 'em. "

56. A FAST-DAY TOAST

On one of the fast-days--a cold, bleak one, too--Father Foley, a popularand genial priest, on his way from a distant visitation, dropped in tosee Widow O'Brien, who was as jolly as himself, and equally as fond ofthe creature comforts, and, what is better, well able to provide them. Asit was about dinner-time, his reverence thought he would stay and have a"morsel" with the old dame; but what was his horror to see served up ingood style a pair of splendid roast ducks!

"Oh! musha, Mistress O'Brien, what have ye there?" he exclaimed, inwell-feigned surprise. 

"Ducks, yer riverence. "

"Ducks! roast ducks! and this a fast-day of the holy Church!"

"Wisha! I never thought of that; but why can't we eat a bit of duck, yerriverence?"

"Why? Because the Council of Trint won't lave us--that's why. "

"Well, well, now, but I'm sorry fur that, fur I can only give ye a bite ofbread and cheese and a glass of something hot. Would that be any harrum, sir?"

"Harrum! by no manes, woman. Sure we must live any way, and bread andcheese is not forbid!"

"Nayther whiskey punch?"

"Nayther that. "

"Well, thin, yer riverence, would it be any harrum fur me to give a toast?"

"By no manes, Mrs. O'Brien. Toast away as much as ye like, bedad!"

"Well, thin, _here's to the Council of Trint, fur if it keeps us fromatin', it doesn't keep us from drinkin'_!"

57. THE SUN STANDING STILL

James Russell Lowell, when concluding an after-dinner speech in England, made a happy hit by introducing the story of a Methodist preacher at acamp-meeting, of whom he had heard when he was young. He was preaching onJoshua ordering the sun to stand still: "My hearers, " he said, "there arethree motions of the sun; the first is the straightforward or direct motionof the sun, the second is the retrograde or backward motion of the sun, and the third is the motion mentioned in our text--'the sun stood still. 'Now, gentlemen, I do not know whether you see the application of that storyto after-dinner oratory. I hope you do. The after-dinner orator at firstbegins and goes straight forward--that is the straightforward motion of thesun; next he goes back and begins to repeat himself a little, and that isthe retrograde or backward motion of the sun; and at last he has the goodsense to bring himself to an end, and that is the motion mentioned in ourtext of the sun standing still. "

58. NEUTRALIZING POISON

Col. John H. George, a New Hampshire barrister, tells a good story onhimself. Meeting an old farmer recently whom he had known in his youth, the old fellow congratulated the Colonel on his youthful appearance. 

"How is it you've managed to keep so fresh and good-looking all theseyears?" quoth he. 

"Well, " said George, "I'll tell you. I've always drank new rum and votedthe Democratic ticket. "

"Oh! yes, " said the old man, "_I see how it is; one pizen neutralizesthe other!_"

59. GENERAL BUTLER AND THE SPOONS

While General Butler was delivering a speech in Boston during an excitingpolitical campaign, one of his hearers cried out: "How about the spoons, Ben?" Benjamin's good eye twinkled merrily as he looked bashfully at theaudience, and said: "Now, don't mention that, please. _I was a Republicanwhen I stole those spoons. _"

60. MAKING MOST OF ONE'S CAPITAL

[One should always make the most of his capital, as this orator did. ]

"Fellow-citizens, my competitor has told you of the services he rendered inthe late war. I will follow his example, and I shall tell you of mine. Hebasely insinuates that I was deaf to the voice of honor in that crisis. Thetruth is, I acted a humble part in that memorable contest. When the tocsinof war summoned the chivalry of the country to rally to the defense of thenation, I, fellow-citizens, animated by that patriotic spirit that glowsin every American's bosom, hired a substitute for that war, and the bonesof that man, fellow-citizens, now lie bleaching in the valley of theShenandoah!"

61. MEETING HALF-WAY

[But the following man could get even more out of an unpromisingsituation. ]

"Now, I want to know, " said a man whose veracity had been questioned byan angry acquaintance, "just why you call me a liar. Be frank, sir; forfrankness is a golden-trimmed virtue. Just as a friend, now, tell me whyyou called me a liar. "

"Called you a liar because you are a liar, " the acquaintance replied. 

"That's what I call frankness. Why, sir, if this rule were adopted overhalf of the difficulties would be settled without trouble, and in our casethere would have been trouble but for our willingness to meet each otherhalf-way. "

62. UNFORTUNATE MISTAKE

Judge ----, who is now a very able Judge of the Supreme Court of one of thegreat States of this Union, when he first "came to the bar, " was a veryblundering speaker. On one occasion, when he was trying a case of replevin, involving the right of property to a lot of hogs, he addressed the jury asfollows:

"Gentlemen of the jury, there were just twenty-four hogs in thatdrove--just twenty-four, gentlemen--_exactly twice as many as there arein that jury-box_!" The effect can be imagined. 

63. TAKEN AT HIS WORD

A pretentious person said to the leading man of a country village, "Howwould a lecture by me on Mount Vesuvius suit the inhabitants of yourvillage?" "Very well, sir; very well, indeed, " he answered; "a lecture byyou on Mount Vesuvius would suit them a great deal better than a lecture byyou in this village. "

64. BRAGGING VETERANS

In warning veterans against exaggerating, a gentleman at a Washingtonbanquet related the following anecdote of a Revolutionary veteran, who, having outlived nearly all his comrades, and being in no danger ofcontradiction, rehearsed his experience thuswise: "In that fearful day atMonmouth, although entitled to a horse, I fought on foot. With each blowI severed an Englishman's head from his body, until a huge pile of headslay around me, great pools of blood on either side, and my shoes were sofull of the same dreadful fluid that my feet slipped beneath me. Just thenI felt a touch upon my shoulder, and, looking up, who should I behold butthe great and good Washington himself! Never shall I forget the majesty anddignity of his presence, as, pressing his hand upon me, he said, 'My youngfriend, restrain yourself, and for heaven's sake do not make aslaughter-house of yourself. '"

65. EXCHANGING MINDS

Heinrich Heine, the German poet, apologizing for feeling dull after a visitfrom a professor said: "I am afraid you find me very stupid. The fact is, Dr. ---- called upon me this morning, and _we exchanged our minds_. "

66. BUYING A LAWYER

[The willingness to pay full value for an article is a trait of characteralways appreciated. ]

Lawyer B---- called at the office of Counselor F----, who has hadconsiderable practice in bankruptcy, and said: "See here, F----, I wantto know what the practice is in such and such a case in bankruptcy. "

F----, straightening himself up and looking as wise as possible, replied:"Well, Mr. B----, I generally get paid for telling what I know. "

B---- put his hand into his pocket, drew forth half a dollar, handed it toF----, and said: "Here, tell me _all_ you know, and _give me thechange_. "

67. WOULD NOT SAVE IT

In the old town of W----, in the Pine-tree State, lived one of thoseunfortunate lords of creation who had, in not a very long life, put onmourning for three departed wives. But time assuages heart-wounds, as wellas those of the flesh. In due time a fourth was inaugurated mistress ofhis heart and house. He was a very prudent man, and suffered nothing to bewasted. When the new mistress was putting things in order, while cleaningup the attic she came across a long piece of board, and was about launchingit out of the window, when little Sadie interposed, and said: "Oh! don't, mamma! _that is the board papa lays out his wives on, and he wants tosave it!_" Nevertheless, _out it went_. 

68. WIDOW OUTWITTED

In a Western village a charming, well-preserved widow had been courted andwon by a physician. She had children. The wedding-day was approaching, and it was time the children should know they were to have a new father. Calling one of them to her, she said: "Georgie, I am going to do somethingbefore long that I would like to talk about with you. "

"Well, ma, what is it!"

"I am intending to marry Dr. Jones in a few days, and--"

"Bully for you, ma! _Does Dr. Jones know it?_"

Ma caught her breath, but failed to articulate a response. 

69. TOO KIND

[Where can we find a more touching manifestation of mutual benevolence thanthe following. ]

In New Jersey reside two gentlemen, near neighbors and bosom friends, one aclergyman, Dr. B----, the other a "gentleman of means" named Wilson. Bothwere passionately fond of music, and the latter devoted many of his leisurehours to the study of the violin. One fine afternoon our clerical friendwas in his study, deeply engaged in writing, when there came along one ofthose good-for-nothing little Italian players, who planted himself underhis study window, and, much to his annoyance, commenced scraping away on asqueaky fiddle. After trying in vain for about fifteen minutes to collecthis scattered thoughts, the Doctor descended to the piazza in front of thehouse, and said to the boy:

"Look here, sonny, you go over and play awhile for Mr. Wilson. Here is tencents. He lives in that big white house over yonder. He plays the violin, and likes music better than I do. "

"Well, " said the boy, taking the "stamp, " "_I would, but he just gave meten cents to come over and play for you!_"

70. NOT FOOLED TWICE

San Francisco boasts of a saloon called the Bank Exchange, where the finestwines and liquors are dispensed at twenty-five cents a glass, with lunchesthrown in free. A plain-looking person went in one morning and called for abrandy cocktail, and wanted it _strong_. Mr. Parker, as is usual withhim, was very considerate, and mixed the drink in his best style, settingit down for his customer. After the cocktail had disappeared the man leanedover the bar and said that he had no change about him then, but would havesoon, when he would pay for the drink. Parker politely remarked that heshould have mentioned the fact before he got the drink; when his customerremarked: "I tried that on yesterday morning with one of your men, but hewould not let me have the whiskey, so you could not play that dodge onme again!" This was too good for Parker, and he told the customer he waswelcome to his drink, and was entitled to his hat in the bargain, if hewanted it. 

71. BITING SARCASM

Standing on the steps at the entrance to one of the grand hotels atSaratoga, a young gentleman, in whom the "dude" species was stronglydeveloped, had been listening with eager attention to the bright thingswhich fell from the lips of the well-known wit and orator, Emory A. Storrs. 

At last our exquisite exclaimed: "Er--Mr. Storrs, --I--er--wish, oh! howI--er--_wish_! that I had your--er--cheek. "

Mr. Storrs instantly annihilated him with: "It is a most fortunatedispensation of Providence that you have not. For, _with my cheek andyour brains_, you would be kicked down these steps in no time!"

72. INCORRIGIBLE NEIGHBOR

A lady in California had a troublesome neighbor, whose cattle overrun herranch, causing much damage. The lady bore the annoyance patiently, hopingthat some compunction would be felt for the damage inflicted. At last shecaught a calf which was making havoc in her garden, and sent it home with achild, saying, "Tell Mrs. A. That the calf has eaten nearly everything inthe garden, and I have scarcely a cabbage left. "

The feelings of the injured lady may be imagined when she received thisreply: "The cabbage nearly all eaten! Well, I must get over and borrow somebefore it is all gone!"

73. DISGUSTED OFFICER

Some years since a party of Indians drove off all the live-stock at FortLancaster. A few days afterward Captain ---- was passing through the post, and stopped a couple of days for rest. While there an enthusiastic officertook him out to show him the trail of the bad Indians, how they came, whichway they went, etc. After following the trail for some distance the Captainturned to his guide and exclaimed: "Look here; if you want to find anyIndians, you can find them; _I haven't lost any_, and am going back tocamp. "

74. IRATE PRISONER

A man arrested for stealing chickens was brought to trial. The case wasgiven to the jury, who brought him in guilty, and the judge sentencedhim to three months' imprisonment. The jailer was a jovial man, fond ofa _smile_, and feeling particularly good on that particular day, considered himself insulted when the prisoner looking around his cell toldhim it was dirty, and not fit for a hog to be put in. One word brought onanother, till finally the jailer told the prisoner if he did not behavehimself he would put him out. To which the prisoner replied: "I will giveyou to understand, sir, I have as good a right here as you have!"

75. TRUTHFUL PRISONER

The eccentric old King of Prussia, father of Frederick the Great, whilevisiting the Potsdam prison, was much interested in the professions ofinnocence the prisoners made. Some blamed their conviction on the prejudiceof judges; others, upon the perjury of witnesses or the tricks of badcompanions. At length he accosted a sturdy, closely-fettered prisoner withthe remark, "I suppose you are innocent, too. "

"No, your Majesty, " was the unexpected response. "I am guilty, and richlydeserve all I get. "

"Here, you turnkey, " thundered the monarch, "come and turn out this rascal, quick, before he corrupts this fine lot of innocent and abused people thatyou have about you. "

76. RULING PASSION

There are persons now living in Bennington who remember old Billy B----, ofwhom it might be said he furnished an example of the "ruling passion strongin death. " When very ill, and friends were expecting an early demise, his nephew and a man hired for the occasion had butchered a steer whichhad been fattened; and when the job was completed the nephew entered thesick-room, where a few friends were assembled, when, to the astonishment ofall, the old man opened his eyes, and turning his head slightly, said, in afull voice, drawing out the words:

"What have you been doing?"

"Killing the steer, " was the reply. 

"What did you do with the hide?"

"Left it in the barn; going to sell it by-and-by. "

"Let the boys drag it around the yard a couple of times; it will make itweigh heavier. "

And the good old man was gathered unto his fathers. 

77. BAD SPECULATION

[This is told of bears, rattlesnakes, etc. , as well as Indians. ]

At a recent festive occasion a gentleman who was making a few remarks wasrepeatedly interrupted by another one of the company. He bore it patientlyat first, but finally said that it reminded him of a story he had heard. Hesaid that a man, whom business had called away a short distance from hishome in the city, thought he would pay his way back again by purchasinga number of hogs and driving them home. He did so, but when he and thehogs arrived at their destination the market for the latter had fallenconsiderably in price, and the hogs had also lost weight on the journey. Itwas remarked to him that he had made rather a bad speculation. "Yes--well, yes, " he answered reflectively. "Yes--but then, you see, _I had theircompany all the way_!"

78. SATISFIED WITH HIS SITUATION

[The following may not be strictly true, but it well illustrates that thereis always a lower depth in misfortune, and--that Western roads are oftensomewhat muddy. ]

Some years ago, when riding along one of the almost impassable roads in thefar West, I observed a dark-looking object lying in the middle of the road, and my natural curiosity impelled me to dismount and examine it. It provedto be a hat, somewhat muddy and dilapidated, but emphatically a hat. Onlifting it up, to my surprise I found that it covered a head--a humanhead--which protruded sufficiently out of the mud to be recognizable assuch. I ventured to address the evidently wide-awake head, and remarkedthat it seemed to be in a pretty bad sort of a fix. 

"Wa'al, yes!" the lips replied; "you're about right thar, stranger; _butthen I ain't anyway near as bad off as the horse that's under me_!"

79. A GOOD WORD FOR THE DEVIL

A conference preacher one day went into the house of a Wesleyan Reformer, and saw the portraits of three expelled ministers suspended from the walls. 

"What!" said he, "have you got them hanging there?"

"Oh! yes, " was the answer; "they are there. "

"Ah! well; but one is wanted to complete the set. "

"Pray, who is that?"

"Why, the devil, to be sure. "

"Ah!" said the Reformer, "but he is not yet expelled from the Conference. "

80. MARRYING A WIDOW

In Cadiz, Ohio, a preacher was summoned to the hotel to make an expectantcouple one. In the course of the preliminary inquiries the groom was askedif he had been married before, and admitted that he had been--three times. "And is this lady a widow, " was also asked, but he responded promptly andemphatically, "No, sir; _I never marry widows_. "

81. A GOOD SALE

Several years ago there resided in Saratoga County a lawyer of considerableability and reputation, but of no great culture, who had an unusually finetaste in paintings and engravings--the only evidence of refinement heever exhibited. A clergyman of the village in which he lived, knowing hisfondness for such things, introduced to him an agent of a publishing housein the city who was issuing a pictorial Bible in numbers. The specimenof the style of work exhibited to the lawyer was a very beautiful one, and he readily put down his name for a copy. But in the progress of thepublication the character of the engravings rapidly deteriorated, muchto the disgust of the enlightened lawyer. The picture of Joseph, veryindifferently done, provoked him beyond endurance, and seizing several ofthe numbers he sallied forth to reproach the parson for leading him intosuch a bad bargain. "Look at these wretched scratches, " said he, turningthe pages over, "and see how I have been imposed upon! Here is a portraitof Joseph, whom his brethren sold to the Egyptians for twenty pieces ofsilver; and let me tell you, parson, _if Joseph looked like that it wasa mighty good sale_!"

82. TRIUMPHS OF MEDICINE

A priest was called upon by a superstitious parishioner, who asked him todo something for her sick cow. He disclaimed knowing anything about suchmatters, but could not put her off. She insisted that if he would onlysay some words over the cow, the animal would surely recover. Worn outwith importunity, he seized his book in desperation, walked around thefour-legged patient several times, repeating in a sonorous voice the Latinwords, which mean, "If you die, you die; and if you live, you live, " andrushed off disgusted. But the woman was delighted, and sooth to say the cowquickly recovered. 

But in time the good man himself was taken sick, and grew rapidly worse. His throat was terribly swollen, and all medical aid was exhausted. Theword passed around the parish that the priest must die. When Bridget heardthe peril of her favorite pastor she was inspired by a mighty resolve. Shehurried to the sick-room, entered against the protest of the friends whowere weeping around, and with out a word to any one with her strong handsdragged his reverence's bed to the middle of the floor, and with the exactcopy of his very gestures and voice marched around the bed, repeating thesonorous and well-remembered Latin phrase, "If you die, you die; and if youlive, you live. " The priest fell into a fit of uncontrollable laughter, andin his struggle for breath and self-control the gathering in his throatbroke and his life was saved!

Mighty are the triumphs of medicine!

83. TIT FOR TAT

An old fellow in a neighboring town, who is original in all things, especially in excessive egotism, and who took part in the late war, wasone day talking to a crowd of admiring listeners, and boasting of his manybloody exploits, when he was interrupted by the question:

"I say, old Joe, how many of the enemy did you kill during the war?"

"How many did I kill sir? _how many_ enemies did I kill? Well, I don'tknow just 'zactly _how_ many; but I know this much--I killed as manyo' them _as they did o' me_!"

84. SLEEPING ON TOP

During a homeward trip of the "Henry Chauncey, " from Aspinwall, thesteerage passengers were so numerous as to make them uncomfortable. Asfor sleeping accommodation, it was aptly described by a Californian, whoapproached the captain, and said:

"I should like to have a sleeping-berth, if you please. "

"Why, where have you been sleeping these last two nights since we left?"

"Wa'al, I've been sleeping a-top of a sick man; _but he's better now, andwon't stand it no longer_!"

85. SAMBO AND THE LAWYER

In a Macon (Ga. ) court the other day a lawyer was cross-examining a negrowitness, and was getting along fairly well until he asked the witness whathis occupation was. "I'se a carpenter, sah. " "What kind of a carpenter?""They calls me a jackleg carpenter, sah. " "What is a jackleg carpenter?""He is a carpenter who is not a first-class carpenter, sah. " "Well, explainfully what you understand a jackleg carpenter to be, " insisted the lawyer. "Boss, I declare I dunno how ter splain any mo' 'cept to say hit am jes'the same difference 'twixt you an' a fust-class lawyer. "

86. SIXTY-CENT NAP

On board a train in the West an eccentric preacher wanted a sleeping-berth, but had only sixty cents, while the lowest price was a dollar. Naturallyhe did not get on very fast with the porter; but after wearing out thepatience of that functionary in vain efforts to stretch the sixty cents, the conductor was sent for. All proposals to borrow, to pledge an oldWaterbury watch, and other financial expedients failed; but the circlewas squared when the preacher said, "I'll lie down, and _when I haveslept sixty cents worth, you send that bed-shaker to rout me out_. " Theprocession started for the sleeper amid the hilarity of the passengers, butthe tradition is that he slept the whole night through and far into themorning. 

87. PREFERRED TO WALK

A great traveler once found himself on the shore of the Sea of Galilee. Hewas at once beset by boatmen, who wanted to take him out to sail on thewaters where Christ had walked. He yielded to their importunities, andreturned to the shore in about an hour. But his devout meditations weregreatly disturbed when he was told that the charge was $10. With energyhe declared that it was robbery, that it was not worth so much to sailall over their little lake, and demanded, "What makes you charge sodreadfully?" "Why, " said the innocent boatman, "because dese ese de lakewere de Saviour walked on de water. " "Walked! walked! did He? Well, ifthe boatmen of that day charged as you fellows do, I should think He_would_ walk. "

88. HORACE GREELEY'S JOKE

On one occasion a person, who wished to have a little fun at the expense ofhis constituency, said in a group where Horace Greeley was standing: "Mr. Greeley and I, gentlemen, are old friends. We have drunk a good deal ofbrandy and water together. " "Yes, " said Mr. Greeley, "that is true enough. You drank the brandy, and I drank the water. "

89. DOCTORS AND DEADHEADS

Fifty years ago the principal avenue of Detroit had a toll-gate closeto the entrance of the Elmwood Cemetery road. As this cemetery had beenlaid out some time previous to the construction of the plank road, it wasarranged that all funeral processions should be allowed to pass along thelatter toll-free. One day as a well-known physician stopped to pay histoll, he observed to the gate-keeper:

"Considering the benevolent character of our profession, I think you oughtto let physicians pass free of charge. "

"No, no, doctor, " replied the man; "we can't afford that. You send too many'deadheads' through here as it is. "

The story traveled, and the two words became associated. 

90. BOOMING A TOWN

They tell a story of a man who came into Omaha one day, and wanted to tradehis farm for some city lots. "All right, " replied the real-estate agent, "get into my buggy, and I'll drive you out to see some of the finestresidence sites in the world--water, sewers, paved streets, cementsidewalks, electric light, shade trees, and all that sort of thing, " andaway they drove four or five miles into the country. The real-estateagent expatiated upon the beauty of the surroundings, the value of theimprovements made and projected, the convenience of the location, the easeand speed with which people who lived there could reach town, and thecertainty of an active demand for such lots in the immediate future. Then, when he was breathless, he turned to his companion, and asked:

"Where's your farm?"

"We passed it coming out here, " was the reply. "It's about two miles nearertown. "

91. ATHLETIC NURSE

Young Wife--"Why, dear, you were the stroke oar at college, weren't you?"

Young Husband--"Yes, love. "

"And a prominent member of the gymnastic class?"

"I was leader. "

"And quite a hand at all athletic exercises?"

"Quite a hand? My gracious! I was champion walker, the best runner, thehead man at lifting heavy weights, and as for carrying--why, I couldshoulder a barrel of flour and--"

"Well, love, just please carry the baby for a couple of hours, I'm tired. "

92. TOO PREMATURE

[Anything rather premature may be illustrated by the following:]

A spring bird that had taken time by the forelock flew across the lawn nearthis city one day last week. His probable fate is best described in thispathetic verse, author unknown:

 "The first bird of spring Essayed for to sing; But ere he had uttered a note He fell from the limb, A dead bird was him, The music had friz in his throat. "

93. A BEWILDERED IRISHMAN

The poet Shelley tells an amusing story of the influence that language"hard to be understood" exercises on the vulgar mind. Walking near CoventGarden, London, he accidentally jostled against an Irish navvy, who, beingin a quarrelsome mood, seemed inclined to attack the poet. A crowd ofragged sympathizers began to gather, when Shelley, calmly facing them, deliberately pronounced:

"I have put my hand into the hamper, I have looked on the sacred barley, Ihave eaten out of the drum. I have drunk and am well pleased. I have said, 'Knox Ompax, ' and it is finished. "

The effect was magical, the astonished Irishman fell back; his friendsbegan to question him. "What barley?" "Where's the hamper?" "What have youbeen drinking?" and Shelley walked away unmolested. 

94. OBEYING ORDERS

When General Sickles, after the second battle of Bull Run, assumed commandof a division of the Army of the Potomac, he gave an elaborate farewelldinner to the officers of his old Excelsior Brigade. 

"Now, boys, we will have a family gathering, " he said to them, as theyassembled in his quarters. Pointing to the table, he continued: "Treat itas you would the enemy. "

As the feast ended, an Irish officer was discovered by Sickles in the actof stowing away three bottles of champagne in his saddle-bags. 

"What are you doing, sir, " gasped the astonished General. 

"Obeying orders, sir, " replied the captain, in a firm voice: "You told usto treat the dinner as we would the enemy, and you know, General, what wecan't kill we capture. "

95. A SPEECH FROM THE REAR PLATFORM

An Irish street-car conductor called out shrilly to the passengers standingin the aisle:

"Will thim in front plaze to move up, so that thim behind can take theplaces of thim in front, an' lave room for thim who are nayther in frontnor behind?"

96. A WAY OUT OF IT

"What's the matter with you, " asked a gentleman of a friend whom he met. "You looked puzzled and worried. "

"I am, " said the friend. "Maybe you can help me out"

"Well, what is it?"

"I am subject at intervals, " said the friend, "to the wildest cravingfor beefsteak and onions. It has all the characteristics of a confirmeddrunkard's craving for rum. This desire came upon me a few minutes ago, andI determined to gratify it. Then suddenly I remembered that I had promisedto call this evening on some ladies, and I must keep that promise. Yet mystomach is shouting for beefsteak and onions, and I am wavering betweenduty and appetite. "

"Can't you wait until after the call?" asked the gentleman, solicitously. 

"Never, " said the friend, earnestly. 

"Can't you postpone the call?"

"Impossible, " declared the friend. 

"Well, " said the gentleman, "I'll tell you what to do: go to JohnChamberlin's café; order your beefsteak and onions, and eat them. Whenyou get your bill it will be so big that it will _quite take your breathaway_. "

97. THE EXTENT OF SCIENCE

"And now, " said the learned lecturer on geology who had addressed a smallbut deeply attentive audience at the village hall, "I have tried to makethese problems, abstruse as they may appear, and involving in theirsolution the best thoughts, the closest analysis, and the most profoundinvestigations of our noblest scientific men for many years; I have tried, I say, to make them seem comparatively simple and easily understood, in thelight of modern knowledge. Before I close this lecture I shall be glad toanswer any questions that may occur to you as to points that appear to needclearing up or that may have been overlooked. "

There was a silence of a few moments, and then an anxious-looking man inthe rear of the hall rose up. 

"I would take it as a favor, " he said, "if you could tell me whetherscience has produced as yet any reliable and certain cure for warts. "

98. WHAT'S IN A NAME?

One of the managers of a home for destitute colored children tells a funnystory about the institution. She went out there to see how things weregetting along, and found a youngster as black as the inside of a coal minetied to a bed-post, with his hands behind him. 

"What is that boy tied up there for?" she demanded of the attendant. 

"For lying, ma'am. He is the worstist, lyingest nigger I ever seen. "

"What's his name?

"George Washington, ma'am, " was the paralyzing reply. 

99. STILL ROOM FOR RESEARCH

"What is this new substance I hear so much about?" asked the eminentscientist's wife. 

"What new substance, my dear?"

"The element in the air that has just been detected. "

"Oh! that, my dear, " he answered, beaming over his spectacles with the goodnature of superior wisdom, "is known as argon!"

"Oh!"

"Yes; its discovery is one of the most remarkable triumphs of the age. Ithas revolutionized some of the old theories, or at least it willrevolutionize them before it gets through. "

"What is it?"

"It's--er--a--did you say, what is it?"

"I said that. "

"Well--ahem--you see, we haven't as yet discovered much about it except itsname. "

100. HE WAS "'PISCOPAL"

An Episcopal clergyman passing his vacation in Indiana met an old farmerwho declared that he was a "'Piscopal. "

"To what parish do you belong?" asked the clergyman. 

"Don't know nawthin' 'bout enny parish, " was the answer. 

"Well, then, " continued the clergyman, "what diocese do you belong to?"

"They ain't nawthin' like that 'round here, " said the farmer. 

"Who confirmed you, then?" was the next question. 

"Nobody, " answered the farmer. 

"Then how are you an Episcopalian?" asked the clergyman. 

"Well, " was the reply, "you see it's this way: Last winter I went downto Arkansas visitin', and while I was there I went to church, and it wascalled 'Piscopal, and I he'rd them say 'that they left undone the thingswhat they'd oughter done and they had done some things what they oughtendone, ' and I says to myself, says I: 'That's my fix exac'ly, and ever sinceI considered myself a 'Piscopalian. "

The clergyman shook the old fellow's hand, and laughingly said:

"Now I understand, my friend, why the membership of our church is solarge. "

101. JOHNNY'S EXCUSE

A little girl brought a note to her school-teacher one morning, which readas follows. "Dear teacher, please excuse Johnny for not coming to schooltoday. He is dead. " Johnny was excused.