[Transcriber's Note: the Contents and Index were added to this e-bookby the transcriber]

TOASTER'S HANDBOOK

JOKES, STORIES, ANDQUOTATIONS

Compiled by

PEGGY EDMUND

and

HAROLD WORKMAN WILLIAMS

Introductions by

MARY KATHARINE REELY

1916

CONTENTS

 PREFACE

 ON THE POSSESSION OF A SENSE OF HUMOR

 TOASTERS, TOASTMASTERS AND TOASTS

 TOASTER'S HANDBOOK

 INDEX

PREFACE

Nothing so frightens a man as the announcement that he is expected torespond to a toast on some appallingly near-by occasion. All ideas hemay ever have had on the subject melt away and like a drowning man heclutches furiously at the nearest solid object. This book is intendedfor such rescue purpose, buoyant and trustworthy but, it is to be hoped, not heavy. 

Let the frightened toaster turn first to the key word of his topic inthis dictionary alphabet of selections and perchance he may find toast, story, definition or verse that may felicitously introduce his remarks. Then as he proceeds to outline his talk and to put it into sentences, hemay find under one of the many subject headings a bit which will happilyand scintillatingly drive home the ideas he is unfolding. 

While the larger part of the contents is humorous, there are insertedmany quotations of a serious nature which may serve as appropriateliterary ballast. 

The jokes and quotes gathered for the toaster have been placed under thesubject headings where it seemed that they might be most useful, even atthe risk of the joke turning on the compilers. To extend the usefulnessof such pseudo-cataloging, cross references, similar and dissimilar tothose of a library card catalog, have been included. 

Should a large number of the inclusions look familiar, let us remarkthat the friends one likes best are those who have been already triedand trusted and are the most welcome in times of need. However, thereare stories of a rising generation, whose acquaintance all may enjoy. 

Nearly all these new and old friends have before this made their bow inprint and since it rarely was certain where they first appeared, littleattempt has been made to credit any source for them. The compilershereby make a sweeping acknowledgment to the "funny editors" of manybooks and periodicals. 

ON THE POSSESSION OF A SENSE OF HUMOR

"Man, " says Hazlitt, "is the only animal that laughs and weeps, for heis the only animal that is struck with the difference between whatthings are and what they ought to be. " The sources, then, of laughterand tears come very close together. At the difference between things asthey are and as they ought to be we laugh, or we weep; it would depend, it seems, on the point of view, or the temperament. And if, as HoraceWalpole once said, "Life is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy tothose who feel, " it is the thinking half of humanity that, at the sightof life's incongruities, is moved to laughter, the feeling half totears. A sense of humor, then, is the possession of the thinking half, and the humorists must be classified at once with the thinkers. 

If one were asked to go further than this and to give offhand adefinition of humor, or of that elusive quality, a sense of humor, hemight find himself confronted with a difficulty. Yet certain thingsabout it would be patent at the outset: Women haven't it; Englishmenhaven't it; it is the chiefest of the virtues, for tho a man speak withthe tongues of men and of angels, if he have not humor we will have noneof him. Women may continue to laugh over those innocent and innocuousincidents which they find amusing; may continue to write the mostdelightful of stories and essays--consider Jane Austen and our own MissRepplier--over which appreciative readers may continue to chuckle;Englishmen may continue, as in the past to produce the most exquisite ofthe world's humorous literature--think of Charles Lamb--yet thefundamental faith of mankind will remain unshaken: women have no senseof humor, and an Englishman cannot see a joke! And the ability to "see ajoke" is the infallible American test of the sense of humor. 

But taking the matter seriously, how would one define humor? When indoubt, consult the dictionary, is, as always, an excellent motto, and, following it, we find that our trustworthy friend, Noah Webster, doesnot fail us. Here is his definition of humor, ready to hand: humor is"the mental faculty of discovering, expressing, or appreciatingludicrous or absurdly incongruous elements in ideas, situations, happenings, or acts, " with the added information that it isdistinguished from wit as "less purely intellectual and having morekindly sympathy with human nature, and as often blended with pathos. " Afriendly rival in lexicography defines the same prized human attributemore lightly as "a facetious turn of thought, " or more specifically inliterature, as "a sportive exercise of the imagination that is apparentin the choice and treatment of an idea or theme. " Isn't there somethingabout that word "sportive, " on the lips of so learned an authority, that tickles the fancy--appeals to the sense of humor?

Yet if we peruse the dictionary further, especially if we approach thatmonument to English scholarship, the great Murray, we shall find thatthe problem of defining humor is not so simple as it might seem; for theword that we use so glibly, with so sure a confidence in its stability, has had a long and varied history and has answered to many aliases. WhenShakespeare called a man "humorous" he meant that he was changeable andcapricious, not that he was given to a facetious turn of thought or to a"sportive" exercise of the imagination. When he talks in "The Taming ofthe Shrew" of "her mad and head-strong humor" he doesn't mean to implythat Kate is a practical joker. It is interesting to note in passingthat the old meaning of the word still lingers in the verb "to humor. " Awoman still humors her spoiled child and her cantankerous husband whenshe yields to their capriciousness. By going hack a step further inhistory, to the late fourteenth century, we met Chaucer's physician whoknew "the cause of everye maladye, and where engendered and of whathumour" and find that Chaucer is not speaking of a mental state at all, but is referring to those physiological humours of which, according toHippocrates, the human body contained four: blood, phlegm, bile, andblack bile, and by which the disposition was determined. We find, too, that at one time a "humour" meant any animal or plant fluid, and againany kind of moisture. "The skie hangs full of humour, and I think weshall haue raine, " ran an ancient weather prophet's prediction. Whichmight give rise to some thoughts on the paradoxical subject of _dry_humor. 

Now in part this development is easily traced. Humor, meaning moistureof any kind, came to have a biological significance and was applied onlyto plant and animal life. It was restricted later within purelyphysiological boundaries and was applied only to those "humours" of thehuman body that controlled temperament. From these fluids, determiningmental states, the word took on a psychological coloring, but--by whatprocess of evolution did humor reach its present status! After all, thescientific method has its weaknesses!

We can, if we wish, define humor in terms of what it is not. We can drawlines around it and distinguish it from its next of kin, wit. Thisindeed has been a favorite pastime with the jugglers of words in allages. And many have been the attempts to define humor, to define wit, todescribe and differentiate them, to build high fences to keep themapart. 

"Wit is abrupt, darting, scornful; it tosses its analogies in your face;humor is slow and shy, insinuating its fun into your heart, " says E. P. Whipple. "Wit is intellectual, humor is emotional; wit is perception ofresemblance, humor of contrast--of contrast between ideal and fact, theory and practice, promise and performance, " writes another authority. While yet another points out that "Humor is feeling--feelings can alwaysbear repetition, while wit, being intellectual, suffers by repetition. "The truth of this is evident when we remember that we repeat a wittysaying that we may enjoy the effect on others, while we retell ahumorous story largely for our own enjoyment of it. 

Yet it is quite possible that humor ought not to be defined. It may beone of those intangible substances, like love and beauty, that areindefinable. It is quite probable that humor should not be explained. Itwould be distressing, as some one pointed out, to discover that Americanhumor is based on American dyspepsia. Yet the philosophers themselveshave endeavored to explain it. Hazlitt held that to understand theludicrous, we must first know what the serious is. And to apprehend theserious, what better course could be followed than to contemplate theserious--yes and ludicrous--findings of the philosophers in theirattempts to define humor and to explain laughter. Consider Hobbes: "Thepassion of laughter is nothing else but sudden glory arising from thesudden conception of eminency in ourselves by comparison with theinferiority of others, or with our own formerly. " According to ProfessorBain, "Laughter results from the degradation of some person or interestpossessing dignity in circumstances that excite no other strongemotion. " Even Kant, desisting for a time from his contemplation of PureReason, gave his attention to the human phenomenon of laughter andexplained it away as "the result of an expectation which of a suddenends in nothing. " Some modern cynic has compiled a list of thesituations on the stage which are always "humorous. " One of them, Irecall, is the situation in which the clown-acrobat, having made mightypreparations for jumping over a pile of chairs, suddenly changes hismind and walks off without attempting it. The laughter that invariablygreets this "funny" maneuver would seem to have philosophical sanction. Bergson, too, the philosopher of creative evolution, has consideredlaughter to the extent of an entire volume. A reading of it leaves one alittle disturbed. Laughter, so we learn, is not the merry-hearted, jovial companion we had thought him. Laughter is a stern mentor, characterized by "an absence of feeling. " "Laughter, " says M. Bergson, "is above all a corrective, it must make a painful impression on theperson against whom it is directed. By laughter society avenges itselffor the liberties taken with it. It would fail in its object if it borethe stamp of sympathy or kindness. " If this be laughter, grant usoccasionally the saving grace of tears, which may be tears of sympathy, and, therefore, kind!

But, after all, since it is true that "one touch of humor makes thewhole world grin, " what difference does it make what that humor is; whatdifference why or wherefore we laugh, since somehow or other, in a sorryworld, we do laugh?

Of the test for a sense of humor, it has already been said that it isthe ability to see a joke. And, as for a joke, the dictionary, again apresent help in time of trouble, tells us at once that it is, "somethingsaid or done for the purpose of exciting a laugh. " But stay! Suppose itdoes not excite the laugh expected? What of the joke that misses fire?Shall a joke be judged by its intent or by its consequences? Is a jokethat does not produce a laugh a joke at all? Pragmatically considered itis not. Agnes Repplier, writing on Humor, speaks of "those belovedwriters whom we hold to be humorists because they have made us laugh. "We hold them to be so--but there seems to be a suggestion that we may bewrong. Is it possible that the laugh is not the test of the joke? Hereis a question over which the philosophers may wrangle. Is there anAbsolute in the realm of humor, or must our jokes be judged solely bythe pragmatic test? Congreve once told Colly Gibber that there were manywitty speeches in one of Colly's plays, and many that looked witty, yetwere not really what they seemed at first sight! So a joke is not to berecognized even by its appearance or by the company it keeps. Perhapsthere might be established a test of good usage. A joke would be that atwhich the best people laugh. 

Somebody--was it Mark Twain?--once said that there are eleven originaljokes in the world--that these were known in prehistoric times, and thatall jokes since have been but modifications and adaptations from theoriginals. Miss Repplier, however, gives to modern times the credit forsome inventiveness. Christianity, she says, must be thanked for suchcontributions as the missionary and cannibal joke, and for theinterminable variations of St. Peter at the gate. Max Beerbohm oncecodified all the English comic papers and found that the following listcomprised all the subjects discussed: Mothers-in-law; Hen-peckedhusbands; Twins; Old maids; Jews; Frenchmen and Germans; Italians andNiggers; Fatness; Thinness; Long hair (in men); Baldness; Sea sickness;Stuttering; Bloomers; Bad cheese; Red noses. A like examination ofAmerican newspapers would perhaps result in a slightly different list. We have, of course, our purely local jokes. Boston will always be a joketo Chicago, the east to the west. The city girl in the country offers aperennial source of amusement, as does the country man in the city. Andthe foreigner we have always with us, to mix his Y's and J's, distorthis H's, and play havoc with the Anglo-Saxon Th. Indeed our greatAmerican sense of humor has been explained as an outgrowth from the vastfield of incongruities offered by a developing civilization. 

It may be that this vaunted national sense has beenover-estimated--exaggeration is a characteristic of that humor, anyway--but at least it has one of the Christian virtues--it sufferethlong and is kind. Miss Repplier says that it is because we are a"humorous rather than a witty people that we laugh for the most partwith, and not at our fellow creatures. " This, I think, is something thatour fellow creatures from other lands do not always comprehend. Ilistened once to a distinguished Frenchman as he addressed the studentsin a western university chapel. He was evidently astounded andembarrassed by the outbursts of laughter that greeted his mildlyhumorous remarks. He even stopped to apologize for the deficiencies ofhis English, deeming them the cause, and was further mystified by thelittle ripple of laughter that met his explanation--a ripple that camefrom the hearts of the good-natured students, who meant only to beappreciative and kind. Foreigners, too, unacquainted with American slangoften find themselves precipitating a laugh for which they areunprepared. For a bit of current slang, however and whenever used, isalways humorous. 

The American is not only a humorous person, he is a practical person. Soit is only natural that the American humor should be put to practicaluses. It was once said that the difference between a man with tact and aman without was that the man with tact, in trying to put a bit in ahorse's mouth, would first tell him a funny story, while the man withouttact would get an axe. This use of the funny story is the American wayof adapting it to practical ends. A collection of funny stories used tobe an important part of a drummer's stock in trade. It is by means ofthe "good story" that the politician makes his way into office; thebusiness man paves the way for a big deal; the after-dinner speaker getsa hearing; the hostess saves her guests from boredom. Such a large placedoes the "story" hold in our national life that we have invented asocial pastime that might be termed a "joke match. " "Don't tell a funnystory, even if you know one, " was the advice of the Atchison Globe man, "its narration will only remind your hearers of a bad one. " True as thismay be, we still persist in telling our funny story. Our hearers arereminded of another, good or bad, which again reminds us--and so on. 

A sense of humor, as was intimated before, is the chiefest of thevirtues. It is more than this--it is one of the essentials to success. For, as has also been pointed out, we, being a practical people, put ourhumor to practical uses. It is held up as one of the prerequisites forentrance to any profession. "A lawyer, " says a member of that order, must have such and such mental and moral qualities; "but before allelse"--and this impressively--"he must possess a sense of humor. " SamuelMcChord Crothers says that were he on the examining board for thegranting of certificates to prospective teachers, he would place a copyof Lamb's essay on Schoolmasters in the hands of each, and if the lightof humorous appreciation failed to dawn as the reading progressed, thecertificate would be withheld. For, before all else, a teacher mustpossess a sense of humor! If it be true, then, that the sense of humoris so important in determining the choice of a profession, how wise arethose writers who hold it an essential for entrance into that mostexacting of professions--matrimony! "Incompatibility in humor, " GeorgeEliot held to be the "most serious cause of diversion. " And Stevenson, always wise, insists that husband and wife must he able to laugh overthe same jokes--have between them many a "grouse in the gun-room" story. But there must always be exceptions if the spice of life is to bepreserved, and I recall one couple of my acquaintance, devoted and loyalin spite of this very incompatibility. A man with a highly whimsicalsense of humor had married a woman with none. Yet he told his beststories with an eye to their effect on her, and when her response came, peaceful and placid and non-comprehending, he would look about the tablewith delight, as much as to say, "Isn't she a wonder? Do you know herequal?"

Humor may be the greatest of the virtues, yet it is the one of whosepossession we may boast with impunity. "Well, that was too much for mysense of humor, " we say. Or, "You know my sense of humor was always mystrong point. " Imagine thus boasting of one's integrity, or sense ofhonor! And so is its lack the one vice of which one may not permithimself to be a trifle proud. "I admit that I have a hot temper, " and "Iknow I'm extravagant, " are simple enough admissions. But did any oneever openly make the confession, "I know I am lacking in a sense ofhumor!" However, to recognize the lack one would first have to possessthe sense--which is manifestly impossible. 

"To explain the nature of laughter and tears is to account for thecondition of human life, " says Hazlitt, and no philosophy has as yetsucceeded in accounting for the condition of human life. "Man is alaughing animal, " wrote Meredith, "and at the end of infinite search thephilosopher finds himself clinging to laughter as the best of humanfruit, purely human, and sane, and comforting. " So whether it be thecorrective laughter of Bergson, Jove laughing at lovers' vows, Lovelaughing at locksmiths, or the cheerful laughter of the fool that waslike the crackling of thorns to Koheleth, the preacher, we recognizethat it is good; that without this saving grace of humor life would bean empty vaunt. I like to recall that ancient usage: "The skie hangsfull of humour, and I think we shall haue raine. " Blessed humor, no lessrefreshing today than was the humour of old to a parched and thirstyearth. 

TOASTERS, TOASTMASTERS AND TOASTS

Before making any specific suggestions to the prospective toaster ortoastmaster, let us advise that he consider well the nature and spiritof the occasion which calls for speeches. The toast, after-dinner talk, or address is always given under conditions that require abounding goodhumor, and the desire to make everybody pleased and comfortable as wellas to furnish entertainment should be uppermost. 

Perhaps a consideration of the ancient custom that gave rise to themodern toast will help us to understand the spirit in which a toastshould be given. It originated with the pagan custom of drinking to godsand the dead, which in Christian nations was modified, with theaccompanying idea of a wish for health and happiness added. In Englandduring the sixteenth century it was customary to put a "toast" in thedrink, which was usually served hot. This toast was the ordinary pieceof bread scorched on both sides. Shakespeare in "The Merry Wives ofWindsor" has Falstaff say, "Fetch me a quart of sack and put a toastin't. " Later the term came to be applied to the lady in whose honor thecompany drank, her name serving to flavor the bumper as the toastflavored the drink. It was in this way that the act of drinking or ofproposing a health, or the mere act of expressing good wishes orfellowship at table came to be known as toasting. 

Since an occasion, then, at which toasts are in order is one intended topromote good feeling, it should afford no opportunity for theexploitation of any personal or selfish interest or for anythingcontroversial, or antagonistic to any of the company present. The effortof the toastmaster should be to promote the best of feeling among alland especially between speakers. And speakers should cooperate with thetoastmaster and with each other to that end. The introductions of thetoastmaster may, of course, contain some good-natured bantering, together with compliment, but always without sting. Those taking partmay "get back" at the toastmaster, but always in a manner to leave nohard feeling anywhere. The toastmaster should strive to make hisspeakers feel at ease, to give them good standing with their hearerswithout overpraising them and making it hard to live up to what isexpected of them. In short, let everybody boost good naturedly foreverybody else. 

The toastmaster, and for that matter everyone taking part, should becarefully prepared. It may be safely said that those who are successfulafter-dinner speakers have learned the need of careful forethought. Apractised speaker may appear to speak extemporaneously by puttingtogether on one occasion thoughts and expressions previously preparedfor other occasions, but the neophyte may well consider it necessary tothink out carefully the matter of what to say and how to say it. Cicerosaid of Antonius, "All his speeches were, _in appearance_, theunpremeditated effusion of an honest heart; and yet, in reality, theywere _preconceived with so much skill_ that the judges were not so wellprepared as they should have been to withstand the force of them!"

After considering the nature of the occasion and getting himself inharmony with it, the speaker should next consider the relation of hisparticular subject to the occasion and to the subjects of the otherspeakers. He should be careful to hold closely to the subject allottedto him so that he will not encroach upon the ground of other speakers. He should be careful, too, not to appropriate to himself any of theirtime. And he should consider, without vanity and without humility, hisown relative importance and govern himself accordingly. We have all hadthe painful experience of waiting in impatience for the speech of theevening to begin while some humble citizen made "a few introductoryremarks. "

In planning his speech and in getting it into finished form, the toasterwill do well to remember those three essentials to all good compositionwith which he struggled in school and college days, Unity, Mass andCoherence. The first means that his talk must have a central thought, onwhich all his stories, anecdotes and jokes will have a bearing; thesecond that there will be a proper balance between the parts, that itwill not be all introduction and conclusion; the third, that it willhang together, without awkward transitions. A toast may consist, asLowell said, of "a platitude, a quotation and an anecdote, " but thetoaster must exercise his ingenuity in putting these together. 

In delivering the toast, the speaker must of course be natural. Theafter-dinner speech calls for a conversational tone, not for oratory ofvoice or manner. Something of an air of detachment on the part of thespeaker is advisable. The humorist who can tell a story with a straightface adds to the humorous effect. 

A word might be said to those who plan the program. In the number ofspeakers it is better to err in having too few than too many. Especiallyis this true if there is one distinguished person who is _the_ speakerof the occasion. In such a case the number of lesser lights may well belimited to two or three. The placing of the guest of honor on theprogram is a matter of importance. Logically he would be expected tocome last, as the crowning feature. But if the occasion is a largesemi-public affair--a political gathering, for example--where strictetiquet does not require that all remain thru the entire program, therewill always be those who will leave early, thus missing the best part ofthe entertainment. In this case some shifting of speakers, even at therisk of an anti-climax, would be advisable. On ordinary occasions, wherethe speakers are of much the same rank, order will be determined mainlyby subject. And if the topics for discussion are directly related, ifthey are all component parts of a general subject, so much the better. 

Now we are going to add a special paragraph for the absolutelyinexperienced person--who has never given, or heard anyone else give, atoast. It would seem hardly possible in this day of banquets to find anindividual who has missed these occasions entirely--but he is to befound. Especially is this true in a world where toasting andafter-dinner speaking are coming to be more and more in demand at socialfunctions--the college world. Here the young man or woman, coming from acountry town where the formal banquet is unknown, who has never heard anafter-dinner speech, may be confronted with the necessity of respondingto a toast on, say "Needles and Pins. " Such a one would like to be toldfirst of all what an after-dinner speech is. It is only a short, informal talk, usually witty, at any rate kindly, with one central ideaand a certain amount of illustrative material in the way of anecdotes, quotations and stories. The best advice to such a speaker is: Make yourfirst effort simple. Don't be over ambitious. If, as was suggested inthe example cited a moment ago, the subject is fanciful--as it is veryapt to be at a college banquet--any interpretation you choose to putupon it is allowable. If the interpretation is ingenious, your case isalready half won. Such a subject is in effect a challenge. "Now, let'ssee what you can make of this, " is what it implies. First get an idea;then find something in the way of illustrative material. Speak simplyand naturally and sit down and watch how the others do it. Of course thesubject on such occasions is often of a more serious nature--Our Class;The Team; Our President--in which case a more serious treatment iscalled for, with a touch of honest pride and sentiment. 

To sum up what has been said, with borrowings from what others have saidon the subject, the following general rules have been formulated:

_Prepare carefully_. Self-confidence is a valuable possession, butbeware of being too sure of yourself. Pride goes before a fall, andoverconfidence in his ability to improvise has been the downfall of manya would-be speaker. The speaker should strive to give the effect ofspontaneity, but this can be done only with practice. The toast callsfor the art that conceals art. 

_Let your speech have unity_. As some one has pointed out, theafter-dinner speech is a distinct form of expression, just as is theshort story. As such it should give a unity of impression. It bearssomething of the same relation to the oration that the short story doesto the novel. 

_Let it have continuity_. James Bryce says: "There is a tendency todayto make after-dinner speaking a mere string of anecdotes, most of whichmay have little to do with the subject or with one another. Even thebest stories lose their charm when they are dragged in by the head andshoulders, having no connection with the allotted theme. Relevance aswell as brevity is the soul of wit. "

_Do not grow emotional or sentimental_. American traditions are largelyborrowed from England. We have the Anglo-Saxon reticence. A parade ofemotion in public embarrasses us. A simple and sincere expression offeeling is often desirable in a toast--but don't overdo it. 

_Avoid trite sayings_. Don't use quotations that are shopworn, and avoidthe set forms for toasts--"Our sweethearts and wives--may they nevermeet, " etc. 

_Don't apologise_. Don't say that you are not prepared; that you speakon very short notice; that you are "no orator as Brutus is. " Resolve todo your best and let your effort speak for itself. 

_Avoid irony and satire_. It has already been said that occasions onwhich toasts are given call for friendliness and good humor. Yet thetemptation to use irony and satire may be strong. Especially may this betrue at political gatherings where there is a chance to grow witty atthe expense of rivals. Irony and satire are keen-edged tools; they havetheir uses; but they are dangerous. Pope, who knew how to use them, said:

 Satire's my weapon, but I'm too discreet To run amuck and tilt at all I meet. 

_Use personal references sparingly_. A certain amount of good-naturedchaffing may be indulged in. Yet there may be danger in even the mostkindly of fun. One never knows how a jest will be taken. Once in theearly part of his career, Mark Twain, at a New England banquet, grewfunny at the expense of Longfellow and Emerson, then in their old ageand looked upon almost as divinities. His joke fell dead, and to the endof his life he suffered humiliation at the recollection. 

_Be clear_. While you must not draw an obvious moral or explain thepoint to your jokes, be sure that the point is there and that it is putin such a way that your hearers cannot miss it. Avoid flights ofrhetoric and do not lose your anecdotes in a sea of words. 

_Avoid didacticism_. Do not try to instruct. Do not give statistics andfigures. They will not be remembered. A historical resume of yoursubject from the beginning of time is not called for; neither arewell-known facts about the greatness of your city or state or theprominent person in whose honor you may be speaking. Do not tell yourhearers things they already know. 

_Be brief_. An after-dinner audience is in a particularly defencelessposition. It is so out in the open. There is no opportunity for a quietnod or two behind a newspaper or the hat of the lady in front. If youbore your hearers by overstepping your time politeness requires thatthey sit still and look pleased. Spare them. Remember Bacon's advice tothe speaker: "Let him be sure to leave other men their turns to speak. "But suppose you come late on the program! Suppose the other speakershave not heeded Bacon? What are you going to do about it? Here is astory that James Bryce tells of the most successful after-dinner speechhe remembers to have heard. The speaker was a famous engineer, theoccasion a dinner of the British Association for the Advancement ofScience. "He came last; and midnight had arrived. His toast was AppliedScience, and his speech was as follows: 'Ladies and gentlemen, at thislate hour I advise you to illustrate the Applications of Science byapplying a lucifer match to the wick of your bedroom candle. Let us allgo to bed'. "

If you are capable of making a similar sacrifice by cutting short yourown carefully-prepared, wise, witty and sparkling remarks, your audiencewill thank you--and they may ask you to speak again. 

TOASTER'S HANDBOOK

ABILITY

"Pa, " said little Joe, "I bet I can do something you can't. "

"Well, what is it?" demanded his pa. 

"Grow, " replied the youngster triumphantly. --_H. E. Zimmerman_. 

ABOLITION

He was a New Yorker visiting in a South Carolina village and hesauntered up to a native sitting in front of the general store, andbegan a conversation. 

"Have you heard about the new manner in which the planters are going topick their cotton this season?" he inquired. 

"Don't believe I have, " answered the other. 

"Well, they have decided to import a lot of monkeys to do the picking, "rejoined the New Yorker. "Monkeys learn readily. They are thoroughworkers, and obviously they will save their employers a small fortuneotherwise expended in wages. "

"Yes, " ejaculated the native, "and about the time this monkey brigade isbeginning to work smoothly, a lot of you fool northerners will cometearing down here and set 'em free. "

ABSENT-MINDEDNESS

SHE--"I consider, John, that sheep are the stupidest creatures living. "

HE--(_absent-mindedly_)--"Yes, my lamb. "

ACCIDENTS

The late Dr. Henry Thayer, founder of Thayer's Laboratory in Cambridge, was walking along a street one winter morning. The sidewalk was sheetedwith ice and the doctor was making his way carefully, as was also awoman going in the opposite direction. In seeking to avoid each other, both slipped and they came down in a heap. The polite doctor wasoverwhelmed and his embarrassment paralyzed his speech, but the womanwas equal to the occasion. 

"Doctor, if you will be kind enough to rise and pick out your legs, Iwill take what remains, " she said cheerfully. 

"Help! Help!" cried an Italian laborer near the mud flats of the Harlemriver. 

"What's the matter there?" came a voice from the construction shanty. 

"Queek! Bringa da shov'! Bringa da peek! Giovanni's stuck in da mud. "

"How far in?"

"Up to hees knees. "

"Oh, let him walk out. "

"No, no! He no canna walk! He wronga end up!"

 There once was a lady from Guam, Who said, "Now the sea is so calm I will swim, for a lark"; But she met with a shark. Let us now sing the ninetieth psalm. 

BRICKLAYER (to mate, who had just had a hodful of bricks fall on hisfeet)--"Dropt 'em on yer toe! That's nothin'. Why, I seen a bloke getkilled stone dead, an' 'e never made such a bloomin' fuss as you'redoin'. "

A preacher had ordered a load of hay from one of his parishioners. Aboutnoon, the parishioner's little son came to the house crying lustily. Onbeing asked what the matter was, he said that the load of hay had tippedover in the street. The preacher, a kindly man, assured the littlefellow that it was nothing serious, and asked him in to dinner. 

"Pa wouldn't like it, " said the boy. 

But the preacher assured him that he would fix it all right with hisfather, and urged him to take dinner before going for the hay. Afterdinner the boy was asked if he were not glad that he had stayed. 

"Pa won't like it, " he persisted. 

The preacher, unable to understand, asked the boy what made him thinkhis father would object. 

"Why, you see, pa's under the hay, " explained the boy. 

 There was an old Miss from Antrim, Who looked for the leak with a glim. Alack and alas! The cause was the gas. We will now sing the fifty-fourth hymn. 

 --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_. 

 There was a young lady named Hannah, Who slipped on a peel of banana. More stars she espied As she lay on her side Than are found in the Star Spangled Banner. 

 A gentleman sprang to assist her; He picked up her glove and her wrister; "Did you fall, Ma'am?" he cried; "Did you think, " she replied, "I sat down for the fun of it, Mister?"

 At first laying down, as a fact fundamental, That nothing with God can be accidental. 

 --_Longfellow_. 

ACTING

Hopkinson Smith tells a characteristic story of a southern friend ofhis, an actor, who, by the way, was in the dramatization of _ColonelCarter_. On one occasion the actor was appearing in his native town, andremembered an old negro and his wife, who had been body servants in hisfather's household, with a couple of seats in the theatre. As ithappened, he was playing the part of the villain, and was largelyconcerned with treasons, stratagems and spoils. From time to time hecaught a glimpse of the ancient couple in the gallery, and judged fromtheir fearsome countenance and popping eyes that they were being dulyimpressed. 

After the play he asked them to come and see him behind the scenes. Theysat together for a while in solemn silence, and then the mammyresolutely nudged her husband. The old man gathered himself togetherwith an effort, and said: "Marse Cha'les, mebbe it ain' for us po'niggers to teach ouh young masser 'portment. But we jes' got to tell yo'dat, in all de time we b'long to de fambly, none o' ouh folks ain' nevehbefo' mix up in sechlike dealin's, an' we hope, Marse Cha'les, dat yo'see de erroh of yo' ways befo' yo' done sho' nuff disgrace us. "

In a North of England town recently a company of local amateurs producedHamlet, and the following account of the proceedings appeared in thelocal paper next morning:

"Last night all the fashionables and elite of our town gathered towitness a performance of _Hamlet_ at the Town Hall. There has beenconsiderable discussion in the press as to whether the play was writtenby Shakespeare or Bacon. All doubt can be now set at rest. Let theirgraves be opened; the one who turned over last night is the author. "

Suit the action to the word, the word to the action, with this specialobservance, that you o'erstep not the modesty of nature. --_Shakespeare_. 

 To wake the soul by tender strokes of art, To raise the genius, and to mend the heart; To make mankind, in conscious virtue bold, Live o'er each scene, and be what they behold-- For this the tragic muse first trod the stage. 

 --_Pope_. 

ACTORS AND ACTRESSES

An "Uncle Tom's Cabin" company was starting to parade in a small NewEngland town when a big gander, from a farmyard near at hand waddled tothe middle of the street and began to hiss. 

One of the double-in-brass actors turned toward the fowl and angrilyexclaimed:

"Don't be so dern quick to jump at conclusions. Wait till you see theshow. "--_K. A. Bisbee_. 

When William H. Crane was younger and less discreet he had a vauntingambition to play _Hamlet_. So with his first profits he organized hisown company and he went to an inland western town to give vent to hisambition and "try it on. "

When he came back to New York a group of friends noticed that the actorappeared to be much downcast. 

"What's the matter, Crane? Didn't they appreciate it?" asked one of hisfriends. 

"They didn't seem to, " laconically answered the actor. 

"Well, didn't they give any encouragement? Didn't they ask you to comebefore the curtain?" persisted the friend. 

"Ask me?" answered Crane. "Man, they dared me!"

LEADING MAN IN TRAVELING COMPANY--"We play _Hamlet_ to-night, laddie, dowe not?"

SUB-MANAGER--"Yes, Mr. Montgomery. "

LEADING MAN--"Then I must borrow the sum of two-pence!"

SUB-MANAGER--"Why?"

LEADING MAN--"I have four days' growth upon my chin. One cannot play_Hamlet_ in a beard!"

SUB-MANAGER--"Um--well--we'll put on Macbeth!"

HE--"But what reason have you for refusing to marry me?"

SHE--"Papa objects. He says you are an actor. "

HE-"Give my regards to the old boy and tell him I'm sorry he isn't anewspaper critic. "

The hero of the play, after putting up a stiff fight with the villain, had died to slow music. 

The audience insisted on his coming before the curtain. 

He refused to appear. 

But the audience still insisted. 

Then the manager, a gentleman with a strong accent, came to the front. 

"Ladies an' gintlemen, " he said, "the carpse thanks ye kindly, but hesays he's dead, an' he's goin to stay dead. "

Mrs. Minnie Maddern Fiske, the actress, was having her hair dressed by ayoung woman at her home. The actress was very tired and quiet, but achance remark from the dresser made her open her eyes and sit up. 

"I should have went on the stage, " said the young woman complacently. 

"But, " returned Mrs. Fiske, "look at me--think how I have had to workand study to gain what success I have, and win such fame as is nowmine!"

"Oh, yes, " replied the young woman calmly; "but then I have talent. "

Orlando Day, a fourth-rate actor in London, was once called, in a suddenemergency, to supply the place of Allen Ainsworth at the CriterionTheatre for a single night. 

The call filled him with joy. Here was a chance to show the public howgreat a histrionic genius had remained unknown for lack of anopportunity. But his joy was suddenly dampened by the dreadful thoughtthat, as the play was already in the midst of its run, none of thedramatic critics might be there to watch his triumph. 

A bright thought struck him. He would announce the event. Rushing to atelegraph office, he sent to one of the leading critics the followingtelegram: "Orlando Day presents Allen Ainsworth's part to-night at theCriterion. "

Then it occurred to him, "Why not tell them all?" So he repeated themessage to a dozen or more important persons. 

At a late hour of the same day, in the Garrick Club, a lounginggentleman produced one of the telegrams, and read it to a group offriends. A chorus of exclamations followed the reading: "Why, I gotprecisely the same message!" "And so did I. " "And I, too. " "Who isOrlando Day?" "What beastly cheek!" "Did the ass fancy that one wouldpay any attention to his wire?"

J. M. Barrie, the famous author and playwright, who was present, was theonly one who said nothing. 

"Didn't he wire you too?" asked one of the group. 

"Oh, yes. "

"But of course you didn't answer. "

"Oh, but it was only polite to send an answer after he had taken thetrouble to wire me. So, of course, I answered him. "

"You did! What did you say?"

"Oh, I just telegraphed him: 'Thanks for timely warning. '"

 Twinkle, twinkle, lovely star! How I wonder if you are When at home the tender age You appear when on the stage. 

 --_Mary A. Fairchild_. 

Recipe for an actor:

 To one slice of ham add assortment of roles. Steep the head in mash notes till it swells, Garnish with onions, tomatoes and beets, Or with eggs--from afar--in the shells. 

 --_Life_. 

Recipe for an ingenue:

 A pound and three-quarters of kitten, Three ounces of flounces and sighs; Add wiggles and giggles and gurgles, And ringlets and dimples and eyes. 

 --_Life_. 

ADAPTATION

"I know a nature-faker, " said Mr. Bache, the author, "who claims that ahen of his last month hatched, from a setting of seventeen eggs, seventeen chicks that had, in lieu of feathers, fur. 

"He claimed that these fur-coated chicks were a proof of nature'sadaptation of all animals to their environment, the seventeen eggshaving been of the cold-storage variety. "

ADDRESSES

In a large store a child, pointing to a shopper exclaimed, "Oh, mother, that lady lives the same place we do. I just heard her say, 'Send it upC. O. D. ' Isn't that where we live?"

An Englishman went into his local library and asked for FredericHarrison's _George Washington and other American Addresses_. In a littlewhile he brought back the book to the librarian and said:

"This book does not give me what I require; I want to find out theaddresses of several American magnates; I know where George Washingtonhas gone to, for he never told a lie. "

ADVERTISING

Not long ago a patron of a café in Chicago summoned his waiter anddelivered himself as follows:

"I want to know the meaning of this. Look at this piece of beef. See itssize. Last evening I was served with a portion more than twice the sizeof this. "

"Where did you sit?" asked the waiter. 

"What has that to do with it? I believe I sat by the window. "

"In that case, " smiled the waiter, "the explanation is simple. We alwaysserve customers by the window large portions. It's a good advertisementfor the place. "

"Advertising costs me a lot of money. "

"Why I never saw your goods advertised. "

"They aren't. But my wife reads other people's ads. "

When Mark Twain, in his early days, was editor of a Missouri paper, asuperstitious subscriber wrote to him saying that he had found a spiderin his paper, and asking him whether that was a sign of good luck orbad. The humorist wrote him this answer and printed it:

"Old subscriber: Finding a spider in your paper was neither good lucknor bad luck for you. The spider was merely looking over our paper tosee which merchant is not advertising, so that he can go to that store, spin his web across the door and lead a life of undisturbed peace everafterward. "

"Good Heavens, man! I saw your obituary in this morning's paper!"

"Yes, I know. I put it in myself. My opera is to be produced to-night, and I want good notices from the critics. "--_C. Hilton Turvey_. 

Paderewski arrived in a small western town about noon one day anddecided to take a walk in the afternoon. While strolling ling along heheard a piano, and, following the sound, came to a house on which was asign reading:

"Miss Jones. Piano lessons 25 cents an hour. "

Pausing to listen he heard the young woman trying to play one ofChopin's nocturnes, and not succeeding very well. 

Paderewski walked up to the house and knocked. Miss Jones came to thedoor and recognized him at once. Delighted, she invited him in and hesat down and played the nocturne as only Paderewski can, afterwardspending an hour in correcting her mistakes. Miss Jones thanked him andhe departed. 

Some months afterward he returned to the town, and again took the samewalk. 

He soon came to the home of Miss Jones, and, looking at the sign, heread:

"Miss Jones. Piano lessons $1. 00 an hour. (Pupil of Paderewski. )"

Shortly after Raymond Hitchcock made his first big hit in New York, Eddie Foy, who was also playing in town, happened to be passing Daly'sTheatre, and paused to look at the pictures of Hitchcock and his companythat adorned the entrance. Near the pictures was a billboard coveredwith laudatory extracts from newspaper criticisms of the show. 

When Foy had moodily read to the bottom of the list, he turned to anunobtrusive young man who had been watching him out of the corner of hiseye. 

"Say, have you seen this show?" he asked. 

"Sure, " replied the young man. 

"Any good? How's this guy Hitchcock, anyhow?"

"Any good?" repeated the young man pityingly. "Why, say, he's the bestin the business. He's got all these other would-be side-ticklers lashedto the mast. He's a scream. Never laughed so much at any one in all mylife. "

"Is he as good as Foy?" ventured Foy hopefully. 

"As good as Foy!" The young man's scorn was superb. "Why, this Hitchcockhas got that Foy person looking like a gloom. They're not in the sameclass. Hitchcock's funny. A man with feelings can't compare them. I'msorry you asked me, I feel so strongly about it. "

Eddie looked at him very sternly and then, in the hollow tones of atragedian, he said:

"I am Foy. "

"I know you are, " said the young man cheerfully. "I'm Hitchcock!"

Advertisements are of great use to the vulgar. First of all, as they areinstruments of ambition. A man that is by no means big enough for theGazette, may easily creep into the advertisements; by which means weoften see an apothecary in the same paper of news with aplenipotentiary, or a running footman with an ambassador. --_Addison_. 

_See also_ Salesmen and Salesmanship. 

ADVICE

Her exalted rank did not give Queen Victoria immunity from the trials ofa grandmother. One of her grandsons, whose recklessness in spendingmoney provoked her strong disapproval, wrote to the Queen reminding herof his approaching birthday and delicately suggesting that money wouldbe the most acceptable gift. In her own hand she answered, sternlyreproving the youth for the sin of extravagance and urging upon him thepractise of economy. His reply staggered her:

"Dear Grandma, " it ran, "thank you for your kind letter of advice. Ihave sold the same for five pounds. "

Many receive advice, only the wise profit by it. --_Publius Syrus_. 

AERONAUTICS

 A flea and a fly in a flue, Were imprisoned; now what could they do? Said the fly, "let us flee. " "Let us fly, " said the flea, And they flew through a flaw in the flue. 

The impression that men will never fly like birds seems to beaeroneous. --_La Touche Hancock_. 

AEROPLANES

 "Mother, may I go aeroplane?" "Yes, my darling Mary. Tie yourself to an anchor chain And don't go near the airy. "

 --_Judge_. 

Harry N. Atwood, the noted aviator, was the guest of honor at a dinnerin New York, and on the occasion his eloquent reply to a toast onaviation terminated neatly with these words:

"The aeroplane has come at last, but it was a long time coming. We canimagine Necessity, the mother of invention, looking up at a sky allcriss-crossed with flying machines, and then saying, with a shake of herold head and with a contented smile:

"'Of all my family, the aeroplane has been the hardest to raise. '"

 A genius who once did aspire To invent an aerial flyer, When asked, "Does it go?" Replied, "I don't know; I'm awaiting some damphule to try 'er. "

AFTER DINNER SPEECHES

A Frenchman once remarked:

"The table is the only place where one is not bored for the first hour. "

 Every rose has its thorn There's fuzz on all the peaches. There never was a dinner yet Without some lengthy speeches. 

Joseph Chamberlain was the guest of honor at a dinner in an importantcity. The Mayor presided, and when coffee was being served the Mayorleaned over and touched Mr. Chamberlain, saying, "Shall we let thepeople enjoy themselves a little longer, or had we better have yourspeech now?"

"Friend, " said one immigrant to another, "this is a grand country tosettle in. They don't hang you here for murder. "

"What do they do to you?" the other immigrant asked. 

"They kill you, " was the reply, "with elocution. "

When Daniel got into the lions' den and looked around he thought tohimself, "Whoever's got to do the after-dinner speaking, it won't beme. "

Joseph H. Choate and Chauncey Depew were invited to a dinner. Mr. Choatewas to speak, and it fell to the lot of Mr. Depew to introduce him, which he did thus: "Gentlemen, permit me to introduce Ambassador Choate, America's most inveterate after-dinner speaker. All you need to do toget a speech out of Mr. Choate is to open his mouth, drop in a dinnerand up comes your speech. "

Mr. Choate thanked the Senator for his compliment, and then said: "Mr. Depew says if you open my mouth and drop in a dinner up will come aspeech, but I warn you that if you open your mouths and drop in one ofSenator Depew's speeches up will come your dinners. "

Mr. John C. Hackett recently told the following story:

"I was up in Rockland County last summer, and there was a banquet givenat a country hotel. All the farmers were there and all the villagecharacters. I was asked to make a speech. 

"'Now, ' said I, with the usual apologetic manner, 'it is not fair to youthat the toastmaster should ask me to speak. I am notorious as the worstpublic speaker in the State of New York. My reputation extends from oneend of the state to the other. I have no rival whatever, when itcomes--' I was interrupted by a lanky, ill-clad individual, who hadstuck too close to the beer pitcher. 

"'Gentlemen, ' said he, 'I take 'ception to what this here man says. Heain't the worst public speaker in the state. I am. You all know it, an'I want it made a matter of record that I took 'ception. '

"'Well, my friend, ' said I, 'suppose we leave it to the guests. You sitdown while I say my piece, and then I'll sit down and let you give ademonstration. ' The fellow agreed and I went on. I hadn't gone far whenhe got up again. 

"''S all right, ' said he, 'you win; needn't go no farther!'"

Mark Twain and Chauncey M. Depew once went abroad on the same ship. Whenthe ship was a few days out they were both invited to a dinner. Speech-making time came. Mark Twain had the first chance. He spoketwenty minutes and made a great hit. Then it was Mr. Depew's turn. 

"Mr. Toastmaster and Ladies and Gentlemen, " said the famous raconteur ashe arose, "Before this dinner Mark Twain and myself made an agreement totrade speeches. He has just delivered my speech, and I thank you for thepleasant manner in which you received it. I regret to say that I havelost the notes of his speech and cannot remember anything he was tosay. "

Then he sat down. There was much laughter. Next day an Englishman whohad been in the party came across Mark Twain in the smoking-room. "MrClemens, " he said, "I consider you were much imposed upon last night. Ihave always heard that Mr. Depew is a clever man, but, really, thatspeech of his you made last night struck me as being the most infernalrot. "

_See also_ Orators; Politicians; Public Speakers. 

AGE

The good die young. Here's hoping that you may live to a ripe old age. 

"How old are you, Tommy?" asked a caller. 

"Well, when I'm home I'm five, when I'm in school I'm six, and when I'mon the cars I'm four. "

"How effusively sweet that Mrs. Blondey is to you, Jonesy, " saidWitherell. "What's up? Any tender little romance there?"

"No, indeed--why, that woman hates me, " said Jonesy. 

"She doesn't show it, " said Witherell. 

"No; but she knows I know how old she is--we were both born on the sameday, " said Jonesy, "and she's afraid I'll tell somebody. "

As every southerner knows, elderly colored people rarely know how oldthey are, and almost invariably assume an age much greater than belongsto them. In an Atlanta family there is employed an old chap named JoshuaBolton, who has been with that family and the previous generation formore years than they can remember. In view, therefore, of his advancedage, it was with surprise that his employer received one day anapplication for a few days off, in order that the old fellow might, ashe put it, "go up to de ole State of Virginny" to see his aunt. 

"Your aunt must be pretty old, " was the employer's comment. 

"Yassir, " said Joshua. "She's pretty ole now. I reckon she's 'bout ahundred an' ten years ole. "

"One hundred and ten! But what on earth is she doing up in Virginia?"

"I don't jest know, " explained Joshua, "but I understand she's up derelivin' wif her grandmother. "

When "Bob" Burdette was addressing the graduating class of a largeeastern college for women, he began his remarks with the usualsalutation, "Young ladies of '97. " Then in a horrified aside he added, "That's an awful age for a girl!"

THE PARSON (about to improve the golden hour)--"When a man reaches yourage, Mr. Dodd, he cannot, in the nature of things, expect to live verymuch longer, and I--"

THE NONAGENARIAN--"I dunno, parson. I be stronger on my legs than I werewhen I started!"

A well-meaning Washington florist was the cause of much embarrassment toa young man who was in love with a rich and beautiful girl. 

It appears that one afternoon she informed the young man that the nextday would be her birthday, whereupon the suitor remarked that he wouldthe next morning send her some roses, one rose for each year. 

That night he wrote a note to his florist, ordering the delivery oftwenty roses for the young woman. The florist himself filled the order, and, thinking to improve on it, said to his clerk:

"Here's an order from young Jones for twenty roses. He's one of my bestcustomers, so I'll throw in ten more for good measure. "--_Edwin Tarrisse_. 

A small boy who had recently passed his fifth birthday was riding in asuburban car with his mother, when they were asked the customaryquestion, "How old is the boy?" After being told the correct age, whichdid not require a fare, the conductor passed on to the next person. 

The boy sat quite still as if pondering over some question, and then, concluding that full information had not been given, called loudly tothe conductor, then at the other end of the car: "And mother'sthirty-one!"

The late John Bigelow, the patriarch of diplomats and authors, and theno less distinguished physician and author, Dr. S. Weir Mitchell, weretogether, several years ago, at West Point. Dr. Bigelow was thenninety-two, and Dr. Mitchell eighty. 

The conversation turned to the subject of age. "I attribute my manyyears, " said Dr. Bigelow, "to the fact that I have been most abstemious. I have eaten sparingly, and have not used tobacco, and have taken littleexercise. "

"It is just the reverse in my case, " explained Dr. Mitchell. "I haveeaten just as much as I wished, if I could get it; I have always usedtobacco, immoderately at times; and I have always taken a great deal ofexercise. "

With that, Ninety-Two-Years shook his head at Eighty-Years and said, "Well, you will never live to be an old man!"--_Sarah Bache Hodge_. 

A wise man never puts away childish things. --_Sidney Dark_. 

 To the old, long life and treasure; To the young, all health and pleasure. 

 --_Ben Jonson_. 

Youth is a blunder; Manhood a struggle; Old Age a regret. --_Disraeli_. 

We do not count a man's years, until he has nothing else tocount. --_Emerson_. 

To be seventy years young is sometimes far more cheerful and hopefulthan to be forty years old. --_O. W. Holmes_. 

AGENTS

"John, whatever induced you to buy a house in this forsaken region?"

"One of the best men in the business. "--_Life_. 

AGRICULTURE

A farmer, according to this definition, is a man who makes his money onthe farm and spends it in town. An agriculturist is a man who makes hismoney in town and spends it on the farm. 

In certain parts of the west, where without irrigation the cultivatorsof the land would be in a bad way indeed, the light rains that duringthe growing season fall from time to time, are appreciated to a degreethat is unknown in the east. 

Last summer a fruit grower who owns fifty acres of orchards wasrejoicing in one of these precipitations of moisture, when his hired mancame into the house. 

"Why don't you stay in out of the rain?" asked the fruit-man. 

"I don't mind a little dew like this, " said the man. "I can work alongjust the same. "

"Oh, I'm not talking about that, " exclaimed the fruit-man. "The nexttime it rains, you can come into the house. I want that water on theland. "

 They used to have a farming rule Of forty acres and a mule. Results were won by later men With forty square feet and a hen. And nowadays success we see With forty inches and a bee. 

 --_Wasp_. 

Blessed be agriculture! if one does not have too much of it. --_CharlesDudley Warner_. 

When tillage begins, other arts follow. The farmers, therefore, are thefounders of human civilization. --_Daniel Webster_. 

ALARM CLOCKS

MIKE (in bed, to alarm-clock as it goes off)--"I fooled yez that time. Iwas not aslape at all. "

ALERTNESS

"Alert?" repeated a congressman, when questioned concerning one of hispolitical opponents. "Why, he's alert as a Providence bridegroom I heardof the other day. You know how bridegrooms starting off on theirhoneymoons sometimes forget all about their brides, and buy tickets onlyfor themselves? That is what happened to the Providence young man. Andwhen his wife said to him, 'Why, Tom, you bought only one ticket, ' heanswered without a moment's hesitation, 'By Jove, you're right, dear!I'd forgotten myself entirely!'"

ALIBI

A party of Manila army women were returning in an auto from a suburbanexcursion when the driver unfortunately collided with another vehicle. While a policeman was taking down the names of those concerned an"English-speaking" Filipino law-student politely asked one of the ladieshow the accident had happened. 

"I'm sure I don't know, " she replied; "I was asleep when it occurred. "

Proud of his knowledge of the Anglo-Saxon tongue, the youth replied:

"Ah, madam, then you will be able to prove a lullaby. "

ALIMONY

"What is alimony, ma?"

"It is a man's cash surrender value. "--_Town Topics_

The proof of the wedding is in the alimony. 

ALLOWANCES

"Why don't you give your wife an allowance?"

"I did once, and she spent it before I could borrow it back. "

ALTERNATIVES

_See_ Choices. 

ALTRUISM

WILLIE--"Pa!"

PA--"Yes. "

WILLIE--"Teacher says we're here to help others. "

PA--"Of course we are. "

WILLIE--"Well, what are the others here for?"

There was once a remarkably kind boy who was a great angler. There was atrout stream in his neighborhood that ran through a rich man's estate. Permits to fish the stream could now and then be obtained, and the boywas lucky enough to have a permit. 

One day he was fishing with another boy when a gamekeeper suddenlydarted forth from a thicket. The lad with the permit uttered a cry offright, dropped his rod, and ran off at top speed. The gamekeeperpursued. 

For about half a mile the gamekeeper was led a swift and difficultchase. Then, worn out, the boy halted. The man seized him by the arm andsaid between pants:

"Have you a permit to fish on this estate?

"Yes to be sure, " said the boy, quietly. 

"You have? Then show it to me. "

The boy drew the permit from his pocket. The man examined it and frownedin perplexity and anger. 

"Why did you run when you had this permit?" he asked. 

"To let the other boy get away, " was the reply. "He didn't have none!"

AMBITION

Oliver Herford sat next to a soulful poetess at dinner one night, andthat dreamy one turned her sad eyes upon him. "Have you no otherambition, Mr. Herford, " she demanded, "than to force people to degradethemselves by laughter?"

Yes, Herford had an ambition. A whale of an ambition. Some day he hopedto gratify it. 

The woman rested her elbows on the table and propped her face in herlong, sad hands, and glowed into Mr. Herford's eyes. "Oh, Mr. Herford, "she said, "Oliver! Tell me about it. "

"I want to throw an egg into an electric fan, " said Herford, simply. 

"Hubby, " said the observant wife, "the janitor of these flats is abachelor. "

"What of it?"

"I really think he is becoming interested in our oldest daughter. "

"There you go again with your pipe dreams! Last week it was a duke. "

The chief end of a man in New York is dissipation; in Boston, conversation. 

When you are aspiring to the highest place, it is honorable to reach thesecond or even the third rank. --_Cicero_. 

 The man who seeks one thing in life, and but one, May hope to achieve it before life be done; But he who seeks all things, wherever he goes, Only reaps from the hopes which around him he sows A harvest of barren regrets. 

 --_Owen Meredith_

AMERICAN GIRL

 Here's to the dearest Of all things on earth. (Dearest precisely-- And yet of full worth. ) One who lays siege to Susceptible hearts. (Pocket-books also-- That's one of her arts!) Drink to her, toast her, Your banner unfurl-- Here's to the _priceless_ American Girl!

 --_Walter Pulitzer_. 

AMERICANS

Eugene Field was at a dinner in London when the conversation turned tothe subject of lynching in the United States. 

It was the general opinion that a large percentage of Americans metdeath at the end of a rope. Finally the hostess turned to Field andasked:

"You, sir, must have often seen these affairs?"

"Yes, " replied Field, "hundreds of them. "

"Oh, do tell us about a lynching you have seen yourself, " broke in halfa dozen voices at once. 

"Well, the night before I sailed for England, " said Field, "I was givinga dinner at a hotel to a party of intimate friends when a colored waiterspilled a plate of soup over the gown of a lady at an adjoining table. The gown was utterly ruined, and the gentlemen of her party at onceseized the waiter, tied a rope around his neck, and at a signal from theinjured lady swung him into the air. "

"Horrible!" said the hostess with a shudder. "And did you actually seethis yourself?"

"Well, no, " admitted Field apologetically. "Just at that moment Ihappened to be downstairs killing the chef for putting mustard in theblanc mange. "

 You can always tell the English, You can always tell the Dutch, You can always tell the Yankees-- But you can't tell them _much!_

AMUSEMENTS

A newspaper thus defined amusements:

The Friends' picnic this year was not as well attended as it has beenfor some years. This can be laid to three causes, viz. : the change ofplace in holding it, deaths in families, and other amusements. 

 I wish that my room had a floor; I don't so much care for a door; But this crawling around Without touching the ground Is getting to be quite a bore. 

I am a great friend to public amusements; for they keep people fromvice. --_Samuel Johnson_. 

ANATOMY

TOMMY--"My gran'pa wuz in th' civil war, an' he lost a leg or a arm inevery battle he fit in!"

JOHNNY--"Gee! How many battles was he in?"

TOMMY--"About forty. "

They thought more of the Legion of Honor in the time of the firstNapoleon than they do now. The emperor one day met an old one-armedveteran. 

"How did you lose your arm?" he asked. 

"Sire, at Austerlitz. "

"And were you not decorated?"

"No, sire. "

"Then here is my own cross for you; I make you chevalier. "

"Your Majesty names me chevalier because I have lost one arm. What wouldyour Majesty have done had I lost both arms?"

"Oh, in that case I should have made you Officer of the Legion. "

Whereupon the old soldier immediately drew his sword and cut off hisother arm. 

There is no particular reason to doubt this story. The only question is, how did he do it?

ANCESTRY

A western buyer is inordinately proud of the fact that one of hisancestors affixed his name to the Declaration of Independence. At thetime the salesman called, the buyer was signing a number of checks andaffixed his signature with many a curve and flourish. The salesman'spatience becoming exhausted in waiting for the buyer to recognize him, he finally observed:

"You have a fine signature, Mr. So-and-So. "

"Yes, " admitted the buyer, "I should have. One of my forefathers signedthe Declaration of Independence. "

"So?" said the caller, with rising inflection. And then he added:

"Vell, you aind't got nottings on me. One of my forefathers signed theTen Commandments. "

In a speech in the Senate on Hawaiian affairs, Senator Depew of New Yorktold this story:

When Queen Liliuokalani was in England during the English queen'sjubilee, she was received at Buckingham Palace. In the course of theremarks that passed between the two queens, the one from the SandwichIslands said that she had English blood in her veins. 

"How so?" inquired Victoria. 

"My ancestors ate Captain Cook. "

Signor Marconi, in an interview in Washington, praised Americandemocracy. 

"Over here, " he said, "you respect a man for what he is himself--not forwhat his family is--and thus you remind me of the gardener in Bolognawho helped me with my first wireless apparatus. 

"As my mother's gardener and I were working on my apparatus together ayoung count joined us one day, and while he watched us work the countboasted of his lineage. 

"The gardener, after listening a long while, smiled and said:

"'If you come from an ancient family, it's so much the worse for yousir; for, as we gardeners say, the older the seed the worse the crop. '"

"Gerald, " said the young wife, noticing how heartily he was eating, "doI cook as well as your mother did?"

Gerald put up his monocle, and stared at her through it. 

"Once and for all, Agatha, " he said, "I beg you will remember thatalthough I may seem to be in reduced circumstances now, I come of an oldand distinguished family. My mother was not a cook. "

"My ancestors came over in the 'Mayflower. '"

"That's nothing; my father descended from an aëroplane. "--_Life_. 

When in England, Governor Foss, of Massachusetts, had luncheon with aprominent Englishman noted for boasting of his ancestry. Taking a coinfrom his pocket, the Englishman said: "My great-great-grandfather wasmade a lord by the king whose picture you see on this shilling. ""Indeed!" replied the governor, smiling, as he produced another coin. "What a coincidence! My great-great-grandfather was made an angel by theIndian whose picture you see on this cent. "

People will not look forward to posterity, who never look backward totheir ancestors. --_Burke_. 

 From yon blue heavens above us bent, The gardener Adam and his wife Smile at the claims of long descent. 

 --_Tennyson_. 

ANGER

Charlie and Nancy had quarreled. After their supper Mother tried tore-establish friendly relations. She told them of the Bible verse, "Letnot the sun go down upon your wrath. "

"Now, Charlie, " she pleaded, "are you going to let the sun go down onyour wrath?"

Charlie squirmed a little. Then:

"Well, how can _I_ stop it?"

When a husband loses his temper he usually finds his wife's. 

It is easy enough to restrain our wrath when the other fellow is thebigger. 

ANNIVERSARIES

MRS. JONES--"Does your husband remember your wedding anniversary?"

MRS. SMITH--"No; so I remind him of it in January and June, and get twopresents. "

ANTIDOTES

"Suppose, " asked the professor in chemistry, "that you were summoned tothe side of a patient who had accidentally swallowed a heavy dose ofoxalic acid, what would you administer?"

The student who, studying for the ministry, took chemistry because itwas obligatory in the course, replied, "I would administer thesacrament. "

APPEARANCES

"How fat and well your little boy looks. "

"Ah, you should never judge from appearances. He's got a gumboil on oneside of his face and he has been stung by a wasp on the other. "

APPLAUSE

A certain theatrical troupe, after a dreary and unsuccessful tour, finally arrived in a small New Jersey town. That night, though there wasno furore or general uprising of the audience, there was enoughhand-clapping to arouse the troupe's dejected spirits. The leading manstepped to the foot-lights after the first act and bowed profoundly. Still the clapping continued. 

When he went behind the scenes he saw an Irish stagehand laughingheartily. "Well, what do you think of that?" asked the actor, throwingout his chest. 

"What d'ye mane?" replied the Irishman. 

"Why, the hand-clapping out there, " was the reply. 

"Hand-clapping?"

"Yes, " said the Thespian, "they are giving me enough applause to showthey appreciate me. "

"D'ye call thot applause?" inquired the old fellow. "Whoi, thot's notapplause. Thot's the audience killin' mosquitoes. "

Applause is the spur of noble minds, the end and aim of weakones. --_Colton_. 

O Popular Applause! what heart of man is proof against thy sweet, seducing charms?--_Cowper_. 

ARBITRATION INTERNATIONAL

A war was going on, and one day, the papers being full of the grimdetails of a bloody battle, a woman said to her husband:

"This slaughter is shocking. It's fiendish. Can nothing he done to stopit?"

"I'm afraid not, " her husband answered. 

"Why don't both sides come together and arbitrate?" she cried. 

"They did, " said he. "They did, 'way back in June. That's how thegol-durned thing started. "

ARITHMETIC

"He seems to be very clever. "

"Yes, indeed, he can even do the problems that his children have to workout at school. "

SONNY--"Aw, pop, I don't wanter study arithmetic. "

POP--"What! a son of mine grow up and not he able to figure up baseballscores and batting averages? Never!"

TEACHER--"Now, Johnny, suppose I should borrow $100 from your father andshould pay him $10 a month for ten months, how much would I then owehim?"

JOHNNY--"About $3 interest. "

"See how I can count, mama, " said Kitty. "There's my right foot. That'sone. There's my left foot. That's two. Two and one make three. Threefeet make a yard, and I want to go out and play in it!"

"Two old salts who had spent most of their lives on fishing smacks hadan argument one day as to which was the better mathematician, " saidGeorge C. Wiedenmayer the other day. "Finally the captain of their shipproposed the following problem which each would try to work out: 'If afishing crew caught 500 pounds of cod and brought their catch to portand sold it at 6 cents a pound, how much would they receive for thefish?'

"Well, the two old fellows got to work, but neither seemed able tomaster the intricacies of the deal in fish, and they were unable to getany answer. 

"At last old Bill turned to the captain and asked him to repeat theproblem. The captain started off: 'If a fishing crew caught 500 poundsof cod and--. '

"'Wait a moment, ' said Bill, 'is it codfish they caught?'

"'Yep, ' said the captain. 

"'Darn it all, ' said Bill. 'No wonder I couldn't get an answer. HereI've been figuring on salmon all the time. '"

ARMIES

A new volunteer at a national guard encampment who had not quite learnedhis business, was on sentry duty, one night, when a friend brought a piefrom the canteen. 

As he sat on the grass eating pie, the major sauntered up in undressuniform. The sentry, not recognizing him, did not salute, and the majorstopped and said:

"What's that you have there?"

"Pie, " said the sentry, good-naturedly. "Apple pie. Have a bite?"

The major frowned. 

"Do you know who I am?" he asked. 

"No, " said the sentry, "unless you're the major's groom. "

The major shook his head. 

"Guess again, " he growled. 

"The barber from the village?"

"No. "

"Maybe"--here the sentry laughed--"maybe you're the major himself?"

"That's right. I am the major, " was the stern reply. 

The sentry scrambled to his feet. 

"Good gracious!" he exclaimed. "Hold the pie, will you, while I presentarms!"

The battle was going against him. The commander-in-chief, himself rulerof the South American republic, sent an aide to the rear, orderingGeneral Blanco to bring up his regiment at once. Ten minutes passed; butit didn't come. Twenty, thirty, and an hour--still no regiment. The aidecame tearing back hatless, breathless. 

"My regiment! My regiment! Where is it? Where is it?" shrieked thecommander. 

"General, " answered the excited aide, "Blanco started it all right, butthere are a couple of drunken Americans down the road and they won't letit go by. "

An army officer decided to see for himself how his sentries were doingtheir duty. He was somewhat surprised at overhearing the following:

"Halt! Who goes there?"

"Friend--with a bottle. "

"Pass, friend. Halt, bottle. "

"A war is a fearful thing, " said Mr. Dolan. 

"It is, " replied Mr. Rafferty. "When you see the fierceness of membersof the army toward one another, the fate of a common enemy must behorrible. "

_See also_ Military Discipline. 

ARMY RATIONS

The colonel of a volunteer regiment camping in Virginia came across aprivate on the outskirts of the camp, painfully munching on something. His face was wry and his lips seemed to move only with the greatesteffort. 

"What are you eating?" demanded the colonel. 

"Persimmons, sir. "

"Good Heavens! Haven't you got any more sense than to eat persimmons atthis time of the year? They'll pucker the very stomach out of you. "

"I know, sir. That's why I'm eatin' 'em. I'm tryin' to shrink me stomachto fit me rations. "

On the occasion of the annual encampment of a western militia, one ofthe soldiers, a clerk who lived well at home, was experiencing muchdifficulty in disposing of his rations. 

A fellow-sufferer nearby was watching with no little amusement the firstsoldier's attempts to Fletcherize a piece of meat. "Any trouble, Tom?"asked the second soldier sarcastically. 

"None in particular, " was the response. Then, after a sullen survey ofthe bit of beef he held in his hand, the amateur fighter observed:

"Bill, I now fully realize what people mean when they speak of thesinews of war. "--_Howard Morse_. 

ART

 There was an old sculptor named Phidias, Whose knowledge of Art was invidious. He carved Aphrodite Without any nightie-- Which startled the purely fastidious. 

 --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_. 

The friend had dropped in to see D'Auber, the great animal painter, putthe finishing touches on his latest painting. He was mystified, however, when D'Auber took some raw meat and rubbed it vigorously over thepainted rabbit in the foreground. 

"Why on earth did you do that?" he asked. 

"Why you see, " explained D'Auber, "Mrs Millions is coming to see thispicture today. When she sees her pet poodle smell that rabbit, and getexcited over it, she'll buy it on the spot. "

A young artist once persuaded Whistler to come and view his latesteffort. The two stood before the canvas for some moments in silence. Finally the young man asked timidly, "Don't you think, sir, that thispainting of mine is--well--er--tolerable?"

Whistler's eyes twinkled dangerously. 

"What is your opinion of a tolerable egg?" he asked. 

The amateur artist was painting sunset, red with blue streaks and greendots. 

The old rustic, at a respectful distance, was watching. 

"Ah, " said the artist looking up suddenly, "perhaps to you, too, Naturehas opened her sky picture page by page! Have you seen the lambent flameof dawn leaping across the livid east; the red-stained, sulphurousislets floating in the lake of fire in the west; the ragged clouds atmidnight, black as a raven's wing, blotting out the shuddering moon?"

"No, " replied the rustic, "not since I give up drink. "

Art is indeed not the bread but the wine of life. --_Jean Paul Richter_. 

Now nature is not at variance with art, nor art with nature; they beingboth the servants of His providence. Art is the perfection of nature. Were the world now as it was the sixth day, there were yet a chaos. Nature hath made one world, and art another. In brief, all things areartificial; for nature is the art of God. --_Sir Thomas Browne_. 

ARTISTS

ARTIST--"I'd like to devote my last picture to a charitable purpose. "

CRITIC--"Why not give it to an institution for the blind?"

"Wealth has its penalties. " said the ready-made philosopher. 

"Yes, " replied Mr. Cumrox. "I'd rather be back at the dear old factorythan learning to pronounce the names of the old masters in mypicture-gallery. "

CRITIC--"By George, old chap, when I look at one of your paintings Istand and wonder--"

ARTIST--"How I do it?"

CRITIC "No; why you do it. "

He that seeks popularity in art closes the door on his own genius: as hemust needs paint for other minds, and not for his own. --_Mrs. Jameson_. 

ATHLETES

The caller's eye had caught the photograph of Tommie Billups, standingon the desk of Mr. Billups. 

"That your boy, Billups?" he asked. 

"Yes, " said Billups, "he's a sophomore up at Binkton College. "

"Looks intellectual rather than athletic, " said the caller. 

"Oh, he's an athlete all right, " said Billups. "When it comes to runningup accounts, and jumping his board-bill, and lifting his voice, andthrowing a thirty-two pound bluff, there isn't a gladiator in creationthat can give my boy Tommie any kind of a handicap. He's just writtenfor an extra check. "

"And as a proud father you are sending it, I don't doubt, " smiled thecaller. 

"Yes, " grinned Billups; "I am sending him a rain-check I got at thehall-game yesterday. As an athlete, he'll appreciate itsvalue. "--_J. K. B_. 

ATTENTION

The supervisor of a school was trying to prove that children are lackingin observation. 

To the children he said, "Now, children, tell me a number to put on theboard. "

Some child said, "Thirty-six. " The supervisor wrote sixty-three. 

He asked for another number, and seventy-six was given. He wrotesixty-seven. 

When a third number was asked, a child who apparently had paid noattention called out:

"Theventy-theven. Change _that_ you thucker!"

AUTHORS

The following is a recipe for an author:

 Take the usual number of fingers, Add paper, manila or white, A typewriter, plenty of postage And something or other to write. 

 --_Life_. 

Oscar Wilde, upon hearing one of Whistler's _bon mots_ exclaimed: "Oh, Jimmy; I wish I had said that!" "Never mind, dear Oscar, " was therejoinder, "you will!"

THE AUTHOR--"Would you advise me to get out a small edition?"

THE PUBLISHER--"Yes, the smaller the better. The more scarce a book isat the end of four or five centuries the more money you realize fromit. "

AMBITIOUS AUTHOR--"Hurray! Five dollars for my latest story, 'The Callof the Lure!'"

FAST FRIEND--"Who from?"

AMBITIOUS AUTHOR--"The express company. They lost it. "

A lady who had arranged an authors' reading at her house succeeded inpersuading her reluctant husband to stay home that evening to assist inreceiving the guests. He stood the entertainment as long as hecould--three authors, to be exact--and then made an excuse that he wasgoing to open the front door to let in some fresh air. In the hall hefound one of the servants asleep on a settee. 

"Wake up!" he commanded, shaking the fellow roughly. "What does thismean, your being asleep out here? You must have been listening at thekeyhole. "

An ambitious young man called upon a publisher and stated that he haddecided to write a book. 

"May I venture to inquire as to the nature of the book you propose towrite?" asked the publisher, very politely. 

"Oh, " came in an offhand way from the aspirant to literary fame, "Ithink of doing something on the line of 'Les Miserables, ' only livelier, you know. "

"So you have had a long siege of nervous prostration?" we say to thehaggard author. "What caused it? Overwork?"

"In a way, yes, " he answers weakly. "I tried to do a novel with a RobertW. Chambers hero and a Mary E. Wilkins heroine. "--_Life_. 

Mark Twain at a dinner at the Authors' Club said: "Speaking of fresheggs, I am reminded of the town of Squash. In my early lecturing days Iwent to Squash to lecture in Temperance Hall, arriving in the afternoon. The town seemed very poorly billed. I thought I'd find out if the peopleknew anything at all about what was in store for them. So I turned in atthe general store. 'Good afternoon, friend, ' I said to the generalstorekeeper. 'Any entertainment here tonight to help a stranger whileaway his evening?' The general storekeeper, who was sorting mackerels, straightened up, wiped his briny hands on his apron, and said: 'I expectthere's goin' to be a lecture. I've been sellin' eggs all day. "

An American friend of Edmond Rostand says that the great dramatist oncetold him of a curious encounter he had had with a local magistrate in atown not far from his own. 

It appears that Rostand had been asked to register the birth of afriend's newly arrived son. The clerk at the registry office was anofficious little chap, bent on carrying out the letter of the law. Thefollowing dialogue ensued:

"Your name, sir?"

"Edmond Rostand. "

"Vocation?"

"Man of letters, and member of the French Academy. "

"Very well, sir. You must sign your name. Can you write? If not, you maymake a cross. "--_Howard Morse_. 

George W. Cable, the southern writer, was visiting a western city wherehe was invited to inspect the new free library. The librarian conductedthe famous writer through the building until they finally reached thedepartment of books devoted to fiction. 

"We have all your books, Mr. Cable, " proudly said the librarian. "Yousee there they are--all of them on the shelves there: not one missing. "

And Mr. Cable's hearty laugh was not for the reason that the librarianthought!

Brief History of a Successful Author: From ink-pots to flesh-pots--_R. R. Kirk_. 

"It took me nearly ten years to learn that I couldn't write stories. "

"I suppose you gave it up then?"

"No, no. By that time I had a reputation. "

"I dream my stories, " said Hicks, the author. 

"How you must dread going to bed!" exclaimed Cynicus. 

The five-year-old son of James Oppenheim, author of "The Olympian, " wasrecently asked what work he was going to do when he became a man. "Oh, "Ralph replied, "I'm not going to work at all. " "Well, what are you goingto do, then?" he was asked. "Why, " he said seriously, "I'm just going towrite stories, like daddy. "

William Dean Howells is the kindliest of critics, but now and then somepopular novelist's conceit will cause him to bristle up a little. 

"You know, " said one, fishing for compliments, "I get richer and richer, but all the same I think my work is falling off. My new work is not sogood as my old. "

"Oh, nonsense!" said Mr. Howells. "You write just as well as you everdid. Your taste is improving, that's all. "

James Oliver Curwood, a novelist, tells of a recent encounter with thelaw. The value of a short story he was writing depended upon a certainlegal situation which he found difficult to manage. Going to a lawyer ofhis acquaintance he told him the plot and was shown a way to the desiredend. "You've saved me just $100, " he exclaimed, "for that's what I amgoing to get for this story. "

A week later he received a bill from the lawyer as follows: "Forliterary advice, $100. " He says he paid. 

"Tried to skin me, that scribbler did!"

"What did he want?"

"Wanted to get out a book jointly, he to write the book and I to writethe advertisements. I turned him down. I wasn't going to do all theliterary work. "

At a London dinner recently the conversation turned to the variousmethods of working employed by literary geniuses. Among the examplescited was that of a well-known poet, who, it is said, was wont to arousehis wife about four o'clock in the morning and exclaim, "Maria, get up;I've thought of a good word!" Whereupon the poet's obedient helpmatewould crawl out of bed and make a note of the thought-of word. 

About an hour later, like as not, a new inspiration would seize thebard, whereupon he would again arouse his wife, saying, "Maria, Maria, get up! I've thought of a better word!"

The company in general listened to the story with admiration, but amerry-eyed American girl remarked: "Well, if he'd been my husband Ishould have replied, 'Alpheus, get up yourself; I've thought of a badword!'"

"There is probably no hell for authors in the next world--they suffer somuch from critics and publishers in this. "--_Bovee_. 

 A thought upon my forehead, My hand up to my face; I want to be an author, An air of studied grace! I want to be an author, With genius on my brow; I want to be an author, And I want to be it now!

 --_Ella Hutchison Ellwanger_. 

That writer does the most, who gives his reader the most knowledge, andtakes from him the least time. --_C. C. Colton_. 

 Habits of close attention, thinking heads, Become more rare as dissipation spreads, Till authors hear at length one general cry Tickle and entertain us, or we die!

 --_Cowper_. 

The author who speaks about his own books is almost as bad as a motherwho talks about her own children. --_Disraeli_. 

AUTOMOBILES

TEACHER--"If a man saves $2 a week, how long will it take him to save athousand?"

BOY--"He never would, ma'am. After he got $900 he'd buy a car. "

"How fast is your car, Jimpson?" asked Harkaway. 

"Well, " said Jimpson, "it keeps about six months ahead of my incomegenerally. "

"What is the name of your automobile?"

"I don't know. "

"You don't know? What do your folks call it?"

"Oh, as to that, father always says 'The Mortgage'; brother Tom calls it'The Fake'; mother, 'My Limousine'; sister, 'Our Car'; grandma, 'ThatPeril'; the chauffeur, 'Some Freak, ' and our neighbors, 'TheLimit. '"--_Life_. 

"What little boy can tell me the difference between the 'quick' and the'dead?'" asked the Sunday-school teacher. 

Willie waved his hand frantically. 

"Well, Willie?"

"Please, ma'am, the 'quick' are the ones that get out of the way ofautomobiles; the ones that don't are the 'dead. '"

"Do you have much trouble with your automobile?"

"Trouble! Say, I couldn't have more if I was married to the blamedmachine. "

A little "Brush" chugged painfully up to the gate of a race track. 

The gate-keeper, demanding the usual fee for automobiles, called:

"A dollar for the car!"

The owner looked up with a pathetic smile of relief and said:

"Sold!"

Autos rush in where mortgages have dared to tread. 

_See also_ Fords; Profanity. 

AUTOMOBILING

"Sorry, gentlemen, " said the new constable, "but I'll hev to run ye in. We been keepin' tabs on ye sence ye left Huckleberry Corners. "

"Why, that's nonsense!" said Dubbleigh. "It's taken us four hours tocome twenty miles, thanks to a flabby tire. That's only five miles anhour. "

"Sure!" said the new constable, "but the speed law round these hereparts is ten mile an hour, and by Jehosophat I'm goin' to make youottermobile fellers live up to it. "

Two street pedlers in Bradford, England, bought a horse for $11. 25. Itwas killed by a motor-car one day and the owner of the car paid them$115 for the loss. Thereupon a new industry sprang up on the roads ofEngland. 

"It was very romantic, " says the friend. "He proposed to her in theautomobile. "

"Yes?" we murmur, encouragingly. 

"And she accepted him in the hospital. "

"What you want to do is to have that mudhole in the road fixed, " saidthe visitor. 

"That goes to show, " replied Farmer Corntassel, "how little youreformers understand local conditions. I've purty nigh paid off amortgage with the money I made haulm' automobiles out o' that mud-hole. "

The old lady from the country and her small son were driving to townwhen a huge automobile bore down upon them. The horse was badlyfrightened and began to prance, whereupon the old lady leaped down andwaved wildly to the chauffeur, screaming at the top of her voice. 

The chauffeur stopped the car and offered to help get the horse past. 

"That's all right, " said the boy, who remained composedly in thecarriage, "I can manage the horse. You just lead Mother past. "

"What makes you carry that horrible shriek machine for an automobilesignal?"

"For humane reasons. " replied Mr. Chugging. "If I can paralyze a personwith fear he will keep still and I can run to one side of him. "

In certain sections of West Virginia there is no liking forautomobilists, as was evidenced in the case of a Washingtonian who wasmotoring in a sparsely settled region of the State. 

This gentleman was haled before a local magistrate upon the complaint ofa constable. The magistrate, a good-natured man, was not, however, absolutely certain that the Washingtonian's car had been driven toofast; and the owner stoutly insisted that he had been progressing at therate of only six miles an hour. 

"Why, your Honor, " he said, "my engine was out of order, and I was goingvery slowly because I was afraid it would break down completely. I giveyou my word, sir, you could have walked as fast as I was running. "

"Well, " said the magistrate, after due reflection, "you don't appear tohave been exceeding the speed limit, but at the same time you must havebeen guilty of something, or you wouldn't be here. I fine you tendollars for loitering. "--_Fenimore Martin_. 

AVIATION

The aviator's wife was taking her first trip with her husband in hisairship. "Wait a minute, George, " she said. "I'm afraid we will have togo down again. "

"What's wrong?" asked her husband. 

"I believe I have dropped one of the pearl buttons off my jacket. Ithink I can see it glistening on the ground. "

"Keep your seat, my dear, " said the aviator, "that's Lake Erie. "

AVIATOR (to young assistant, who has begun to be frightened)--"Well, what do you want now?"

ASSISTANT (whimpering)--"I want the earth. "--_Abbie C. Dixon_. 

When Claude Grahame-White the famous aviator, author of "The Aeroplanein War, " was in this country not long ago, he was spending a week-end ata country home. He tells the following story of an incident that wasvery amusing to him. 

"The first night that I arrived, a dinner party was given. Feeling veryenthusiastic over the recent flights, I began to tell the young womanwho was my partner at the table of some of the details of the aviationsport. 

"It was not until the dessert was brought on that I realized that I hadbeen doing all the talking; indeed, the young woman seated next me hadnot uttered a single word since I first began talking about aviation. Perhaps she was not interested in the subject, I thought, although to anenthusiast like me it seemed quite incredible. 

"'I am afraid I have been boring you with this shop talk, " I said, feeling as if I should apologize. 

"'Oh, not at all, ' she murmured, in very polite tones; 'but would youmind telling me, what is aviation?'"--_M. A. Hitchcock_. 

AVIATORS

 Little drops in water-- Little drops on land-- Make the aviator, Join the heavenly band. 

 --_Satire_. 

"Are you an experienced aviator?"

"Well, sir, I have been at it six weeks and I am all here. "--_Life_. 

BABIES

_See_ Children. 

BACCALAUREATE SERMONS

PROUD FATHER--"Rick, my boy, if you live up to your oration you'll be anhonor to the family. "

VALEDICTORIAN-"I expect to do better than that, father. I am going totry to live up to the baccalaureate sermon. "

BACTERIA

 There once were some learned M. D. 's, Who captured some germs of disease, And infected a train Which, without causing pain, Allowed one to catch it with ease. 

Two doctors met in the hall of the hospital. 

"Well, " said the first, "what's new this morning?"

"I've got a most curious case. Woman, cross-eyed; in fact, so cross-eyedthat when she cries the tears run down her back. "

"What are you doing for her?"

"Just now, " was the answer, "we're treating her for bacteria. "

BADGES

Mrs. Philpots came panting downstairs on her way to the temperancesociety meeting. She was a short, plump woman. "Addie, run up to my roomand get my blue ribbon rosette, the temperance badge, " she directed hermaid. "I have forgotten it. You will know it, Addie--blue ribbon andgold lettering. "

"Yas'm, I knows it right well. " Addie could not read, but she knew ablue ribbon with gold lettering when she saw it, and therefore had nottrouble in finding it and fastening it properly on the dress of hermistress. 

At the meeting Mrs. Philpots was too busy greeting her friends to notethat they smiled when they shook hands with her. When she reached homesupper was served, so she went directly to the dining-room, where theother members of the family were seated. 

"Gracious me, Mother!" exclaimed her son: "that blue ribbon--you haven'tbeen wearing that at the temperance meeting?"

A loud laugh went up on all sides. 

"Why, what is it, Harry?" asked the good woman, clutching at the ribbonin surprise. 

"Why, Mother dear, didn't you know that was the ribbon I won at theshow?"

The gold lettering on the ribbon read:

 INTERSTATE POULTRY SHOW First Prize Bantam

BAGGAGE

An Aberdonian went to spend a few days in London with his son, who haddone exceptionally well in the great metropolis. After their firstgreetings at King's Cross Station, the young fellow remarked: "Feyther, you are not lookin' weel. Is there anything the matter?" The old manreplied, "Aye, lad, I have had quite an accident. " "What was that, feyther?" "Mon, " he said, "on this journey frae bonnie Scotland I lostmy luggage. " "Dear, dear, that's too bad; 'oo did it happen?" "Aweel"replied the Aberdonian, "the cork cam' oot. "

Johnnie Poe, one of the famous Princeton football family, andincidentally a great-nephew of Edgar Allan Poe, was a general in thearmy of Honduras in one of their recent wars. Finally, when things beganto look black with peace and the American general discovered that hisprincely pay when translated into United States money was about sixtycents a day, he struck for the coast. There he found a United Stateswarship and asked transportation home. 

"Sure, " the commander told him. "We'll be glad to have you. Come aboardwhenever you like and bring your luggage. "

"Thanks, " said Poe warmly. "I'll sure do that. I only have fifty-fourpieces. "

"What!" exclaimed the commander. "What do you think I'm running? Afreighter?"

"Oh, well, you needn't get excited about it, " purred Poe. "My fifty-fourpieces consist of one pair of socks and a pack of playing cards. "

BALDNESS

One mother who still considers Marcel waves as the most fashionable wayof dressing the hair was at work on the job. 

Her little eight-year-old girl was crouched on her father's lap, watching her mother. Every once in a while the baby fingers would slideover the smooth and glossy pate which is Father's. 

"No waves for you, Father, " remarked the little one. "You're all beach. "

"Were any of your boyish ambitions ever realized?" asked thesentimentalist. 

"Yes, " replied the practical person. "When my mother used to cut my hairI often wished I might be bald-headed. "

Congressman Longworth is not gifted with much hair, his head being aboutas shiny as a billiard ball. 

One day ex-president Taft, then Secretary of War, and CongressmanLongworth sallied into a barbershop. 

"Hair cut?" asked the barber of Longworth. 

"Yes, " answered the Congressman. 

"Oh, no, Nick, " commented the Secretary of War from the next chair, "youdon't want a hair cut; you want a shine. "

"O, Mother, why are the men in the front baldheaded?"

"They bought their tickets from scalpers, my child. "

The costumer came forward to attend to the nervous old beau who wasmopping his bald and shining poll with a big silk handkerchief. 

"And what can I do for you?" he asked. 

"I want a little help in the way of a suggestion, " said the old fellow. "I intend going to the French Students' masquerade ball to-night, and Iwant a distinctly original costume--something I may be sure no one elsewill wear. What would you suggest?"

The costumer looked him over attentively, bestowing special notice onthe gleaming knob. 

"Well, I'll tell you, " he said then, thoughtfully: "why don't you sugaryour head and go as a pill?"--_Frank X. Finnegan_. 

United States Senator Ollie James, of Kentucky, is bald. 

"Does being bald bother you much?" a candid friend asked him once. 

"Yes, a little, " answered the truthful James. 

"I suppose you feel the cold severely in winter, " went on the friend. 

"No; it's not that so much, " said the Senator. "The main bother is whenI'm washing myself--unless I keep my hat on I don't know where my facestops. "

A near-sighted old lady at a dinner-party, one evening, had for hercompanion on the left a very bald-headed old gentleman. While talking tothe gentleman at her right she dropped her napkin unconsciously. Thebald-headed gentleman, in stooping to pick it up, touched her arm. Theold lady turned around, shook her head, and very politely said: "Nomelon, thank you. "

BANKS AND BANKING

During a financial panic, a German farmer went to a bank for some money. He was told that the bank was not paying out money, but was usingcashier's checks. He could not understand this, and insisted on money. 

The officers took him in hand, one after another, with little effect. Atlast the president tried his hand, and after long and minuteexplanation, some inkling of the situation seemed to be dawning on thefarmer's mind. Much encouraged, the president said: "You understand nowhow it is, don't you, Mr. . Schmidt?"

"I t'ink I do, " admitted Mr. Schmidt. "It's like dis, aindt it? Ven mybaby vakes up at night and vants some milk, I gif him a milk ticket. "

She advanced to the paying teller's window and, handing in a check forfifty dollars, stated that it was a birthday present from her husbandand asked for payment. The teller informed her that she must firstendorse it. 

"I don't know what you mean, " she said hesitatingly. 

"Why, you see, " he explained, "you must write your name on the back, sothat when we return the check to your husband, he will know we have paidyou the money. "

"Oh, is that all?" she said, relieved. . . . One minute elapses. 

Thus the "endorsement": "Many thanks, dear, I've got the money. Yourloving wife, Evelyn. "

FRIEND--"So you're going to make it hot for that fellow who held up thebank, shot the cashier, and got away with the ten thousand?"

BANKER--"Yes, indeed. He was entirely too fresh. There's a decent way todo that, you know. If he wanted to get the money, why didn't he comeinto the bank and work his way up the way the rest of us did?"--_Puck_. 

BAPTISM

A revival was being held at a small colored Baptist church in southernGeorgia. At one of the meetings the evangelist, after an earnest butfruitless exhortation, requested all of the congregation who wantedtheir souls washed white as snow to stand up. One old darky remainedsitting. 

"Don' yo' want y' soul washed w'ite as snow, Brudder Jones?"

"Mah soul done been washed w'ite as snow, pahson. "

"Whah wuz yo' soul washed w'ite as snow, Brudder Jones?"

"Over yander to the Methodis' chu'ch acrost de railroad. "

"Brudder Jones, yo' soul wa'n't washed--hit were dry-cleaned. "--_Life_. 

BAPTISTS

An old colored man first joined the Episcopal Church, then the Methodistand next the Baptist, where he remained. Questioned as to the reason forhis church travels he responded:

"Well, suh, hit's this way: de 'Piscopals is gemmen, suh, but I couldn'tkeep up wid de answerin' back in dey church. De Methodis', dey alwaysholdin' inquiry meetin', and I don't like too much inquirin' into. Butde Baptis', suh, dey jes' dip and are done wid hit. "

A Methodist negro exhorter shouted: "Come up en jine de army ob deLohd. " "I'se done jined, " replied one of the congregation. "Whar'd yohjine?" asked the exhorter. "In de Baptis' Chu'ch. " "Why, chile, " saidthe exhorter, "yoh ain't in the army; yoh's in de navy. "

BARGAINS

MANAGER (five-and-ten-cent store)--"What did the lady who just went outwant?"

SHOPGIRL--"She inquired if we had a shoe department. "

"Hades, " said the lady who loves to shop, "would be a magnificent andendless bargain counter and I looking on without a cent. "

Newell Dwight Hillis, the now famous New York preacher and author, someyears ago took charge of the First Presbyterian Church of Evanston, Illinois. Shortly after going there he required the services of aphysician, and on the advice of one of his parishioners called in adoctor noted for his ability properly to emphasize a good story, but whoattended church very rarely. He proved very satisfactory to the youngpreacher, but for some reason could not be induced to render a bill. Finally Dr. Hillis, becoming alarmed at the inroads the bill might makein his modest stipend, went to the physician and said, "See here, Doctor, I must know how much I owe you. "

After some urging, the physician replied: "Well, I'll tell you what I'lldo with you, Hillis. They say you're a pretty good preacher, and youseem to think I am a fair doctor, so I'll make this bargain with you. I'll do all I can to keep you out of heaven if you do all you can tokeep me out of hell, and it won't cost either of us a cent. Is it a go?"

"My wife and myself are trying to get up a list of club magazines. Bytaking three you get a discount. "

"How are you making out?"

"Well, we can get one that I don't want, and one that she doesn't want, and one that neither wants for $2. 25. "

BASEBALL

A run in time saves the nine. 

Knowin' all 'bout baseball is jist 'bout as profitable as bein' a goodwhittler. --_Abe Martin_. 

"Plague take that girl!"

"My friend, that is the most beautiful girl in this town. "

"That may be. But she obstructs my view of second base. "

When Miss Cheney, one of the popular teachers in the Swarthmore schools, had to deal with a boy who played "hookey, " she failed to impress himwith the evil of his ways. 

"Don't you know what becomes of little boys who stay away from school toplay baseball?" asked Miss Cheney. 

"Yessum, " replied the lad promptly. "Some of 'em gets to be good playersand pitch in the big leagues. "

BATHS AND BATHING

The only unoccupied room in the hotel--one with a private bath inconnection with it--was given to the stranger from Kansas. The nextmorning the clerk was approached by the guest when the latter was readyto check out. 

"Well, did you have a good night's rest?" the clerk asked. 

"No, I didn't, " replied the Kansan. "The room was all right, and the bedwas pretty good, but I couldn't sleep very much for I was afraid someone would want to take a bath, and the only door to it was through myroom. "

RURAL CONSTABLE-"Now then, come out o' that. Bathing's not allowed 'ereafter 8 a. M. "

THE FACE IN THE WATER-"Excuse me, Sergeant, I'm not bathing; I'm onlydrowning. "--_Punch_. 

A woman and her brother lived alone in the Scotch Highlands. She knittedgloves and garments to sell in the Lowland towns. Once when she wasstarting out to market her wares, her brother said he would go with herand take a dip in the ocean. While the woman was in the town sellingher work, Sandy was sporting in the waves. When his sister came down tojoin him, however, he met her with a wry face. "Oh, Kirstie, " he said, "I've lost me weskit. " They hunted high and low, but finally as nightsettled down decided that the waves must have carried it out to sea. 

The next year, at about the same season, the two again visited the town. And while Kirstie sold her wool in the town, Sandy splashed about in thebrine. When Kirstie joined her brother she found him with a radiantface, and he cried out to her, "Oh, Kirstie, I've found me weskit. 'Twasunder me shirt. "

In one of the lesser Indian hill wars an English detachment took anAfghan prisoner. The Afghan was very dirty. Accordingly two privateswere deputed to strip and wash him. 

The privates dragged the man to a stream of running water, undressedhim, plunged him in, and set upon him lustily with stiff brushes andlarge cakes of white soap. 

After a long time one of the privates came back to make a report. Hesaluted his officer and said disconsolately:

"It's no use, sir. It's no use. "

"No use?" said the officer. "What do you mean? Haven't you washed thatAfghan yet?"

"It's no use, sir, " the private repeated. "We've washed him for twohours, but it's no use. "

"How do you mean it's no use?" said the officer angrily. 

"Why, sir, " said the private, "after rubbin' him and scrubbin' him tillour arms ached I'll be hanged if we didn't come to another suit ofclothes. "

BAZARS

Once upon a time a deacon who did not favor church bazars was goingalong a dark street when a footpad suddenly appeared, and, pointing hispistol, began to relieve his victim of his money. 

The thief, however, apparently suffered some pangs of remorse. "It'spretty rough to be gone through like this, ain't it, sir?" he inquired. 

"Oh, that's all right, my man, " the "held-up" one answered cheerfully. "I was on my way to a bazar. You're first, and there's an end of it. "

BEARDS

 There was an old man with a beard, Who said, "It is just as I feared!-- Two owls and a hen, Four larks and a wren, Have all built their nests in my beard. "

BEAUTY

 If eyes were made for seeing, Then beauty is its own excuse for being. 

 --Emerson. 

 A thing of beauty is a joy forever; Its loveliness increases; it will never Pass into nothingness; but still will keep A bower quiet for us, and a sleep Full of sweet dreams, and health, and quiet breathing. 

BEAUTY, PERSONAL

 In good looks I am not a star. There are others more lovely by far. But my face--I don't mind it, Because I'm behind it-- It's the people in front that I jar. 

"Shine yer boots, sir?"

"No, " snapped the man. 

"Shine 'em so's yer can see yer face in 'em?" urged the bootblack. 

"No, I tell you!"

"Coward, " hissed the bootblack. 

A farmer returning home late at night, found a man standing beside thehouse with a lighted lantern in his hand. "What are you doing here?" heasked, savagely, suspecting he had caught a criminal. For answer came achuckle, and--"It's only mee, zur. "

The farmer recognized John, his shepherd. 

"It's you, John, is it? What on earth are you doing here this time o'night?"

Another chuckle. "I'm a-coortin' Ann, zur. "

"And so you've come courting with a lantern, you fool. Why I never tooka lantern when I courted your mistress. "

"No, zur, you didn't, zur, " John chuckled. "We can all zee you didn't, zur. "

The senator and the major were walking up the avenue. The senator wasmore than middle-aged and considerably more than fat, and, dearly as themajor loved him, he also loved his joke. 

The senator turned with a pleased expression on his benign countenanceand said, "Major, did you see that pretty girl smile at me?"

"Oh, that's nothing, " replied his friend. "The first time I saw you Ilaughed out loud!"--_Harper's Magazine_. 

Pat, thinking to enliven the party, stated, with watch in hand: "I'llpresint a box of candy to the loidy that makes the homeliest face withinthe next three minutes. "

The time expired, Pat announced: "Ah, Mrs. McGuire, you get the prize. "

"But, " protested Mrs. McGuire, "go way wid ye! I wasn't playin' at all. "

ARTHUR--"They say dear, that people who live together get to lookalike. "

KATE--"Then you must consider my refusal as final. "

In the negro car of a railway train in one of the gulf states a bridalcouple were riding--a very light, rather good looking colored girl and atypical full blooded negro of possibly a reverted type, with recedingforehead, protruding eyes, broad, flat nose very thick lips and almostno chin. He was positively and aggressively ugly. 

They had been married just before boarding the train and, like a goodmany of their white brothers and sisters, were very much interested ineach other, regardless of the amusement of their neighbors. Aftervarious "billings and cooings" the man sank down in the seat and, resting his head on the lady's shoulder, looked soulfully up into hereyes. 

She looked fondly down upon him and after a few minutes murmured gently, "Laws, honey, ain't yo' shamed to be so han'some?"

 Little dabs of powder, Little specks of paint, Make my lady's freckles Look as if they ain't. 

 --_Mary A. Fairchild_. 

 He kissed her on the cheek, It seemed a harmless frolic; He's been laid up a week They say, with painter's colic. 

 --_The Christian Register_. 

MOTHER (to inquisitive child)--"Stand aside. Don't you see the gentlemanwants to take the lady's picture?"

"Why does he want to?"--_Life_. 

One day, while walking with a friend in San Francisco, a professor andhis companion became involved in an argument as to which was thehandsomer man of the two. Not being able to arrive at a settlement ofthe question, they agreed, in a spirit of fun, to leave it to thedecision of a Chinaman who was seen approaching them. The matter beinglaid before him, the Oriental considered long and carefully; then heannounced in a tone of finality, "Both are worse. "

"What a homely woman!"

"Sir, that is my wife. I'll have you understand it is a woman'sprivilege to be homely. "

"Gee, then she abused the privilege. "

Beauty is worse than wine; it intoxicates both the holder and thebeholder. --_Zimmermann_. 

BEDS

A western politician tells the following story as illustrating theinconveniences attached to campaigning in certain sections of thecountry. 

Upon his arrival at one of the small towns in South Dakota, where he wasto make a speech the following day, he found that the so-called hotelwas crowded to the doors. Not having telegraphed for accommodations, thepolitician discovered that he would have to make shift as best he could. Accordingly, he was obliged for that night to sleep on a wire cot whichhad only some blankets and a sheet on it. As the politician is anextremely fat man, he found his improvised bed anything but comfortable. 

"How did you sleep?" asked a friend in the morning. 

"Fairly well, " answered the fat man, "but I looked like a waffle when Igot up. "

BEER

 A man to whom illness was chronic, When told that he needed a tonic, Said, "O Doctor dear, Won't you please make it beer?" "No, no, " said the Doc. , "that's Teutonic. "

BEES

TEACHER--"Tommy, do you know 'How Doth the Little Busy Bee'?"

TOMMY--"No; I only know he doth it!"

BEETLES

 Now doth the frisky June Bug Bring forth his aeroplane, And try to make a record, And busticate his brain!

 He bings against the mirror, He bangs against the door, He caroms on the ceiling, And turtles on the floor!

 He soars aloft, erratic, He lands upon my neck, And makes me creep and shiver, A neurasthenic wreck!

 --_Charles Irvin Junkin_. 

BEGGING

THE "ANGEL" (about to give a beggar a dime)--"Poor man! And are youmarried?"

BEGGAR--"Pardon me, madam! D'ye think I'd be relyin' on total strangersfor support if I had a wife?"

MAN--"Is there any reason why I should give you five cents?"

BOY--"Well, if I had a nice high hat like yours I wouldn't want itsoaked with snowballs. "

MILLIONAIRE (to ragged beggar)--"You ask alms and do not even take yourhat off. Is that the proper way to beg?"

BEGGAR--"Pardon me, sir. A policeman is looking at us from across thestreet. If I take my hat off he'll arrest me for begging; as it is, henaturally takes us for old friends. "

Once, while Bishop Talbot, the giant "cowboy bishop, " was attending ameeting of church dignitaries in St. Paul, a tramp accosted a group ofchurchmen in the hotel porch and asked for aid. 

"No, " one of them told him, "I'm afraid we can't help you. But you seethat big man over there?" pointing to Bishop Talbot. 

"Well, he's the youngest bishop of us all, and he's a very generous man. You might try him. "

The tramp approached Bishop Talbot confidently. The others watched withinterest. They saw a look of surprise come over the tramp's face. Thebishop was talking eagerly. The tramp looked troubled. And then, finally, they saw something pass from one hand to the other. The tramptried to slink past the group without speaking, but one of them calledto him:

"Well, did you get something from our young brother?"

The tramp grinned sheepishly. "No, " he admitted, "I gave him a dollarfor his damned new cathedral at Laramie!"

 To get thine ends, lay bashfulnesse aside; Who feares to aske, doth teach to be deny'd. 

 --_Herrick_. 

 Well, whiles I am a beggar I will rail And say, there is no sin but to be rich; And being rich, my virtue then shall be To say, there is no vice but beggary. 

 --_Shakespeare_. 

_See also_ Flattery; Millionaires. 

BETTING

The officers' mess was discussing rifle shooting. 

"I'll bet anyone here, " said one young lieutenant, "that I can firetwenty shots at two hundred yards and call each shot correctly withoutwaiting for the marker. I'll stake a box of cigars that I can. "

"Done!" cried a major. 

The whole mess was on hand early next morning to see the experimenttried. 

The lieutenant fired. 

"Miss, " he calmly announced. 

A second shot. 

"Miss, " he repeated. 

A third shot. 

"Miss. "

"Here, there! Hold on!" protested the major. "What are you trying to do?You're not shooting for the target at all. "

"Of course not, " admitted the lieutenant. "I'm firing for those cigars. "And he got them. 

Two old cronies went into a drug store in the downtown part of New YorkCity, and, addressing the proprietor by his first name, one of themsaid:

"Dr. Charley, we have made a bet of the ice-cream sodas. We will havethem now and when the bet is decided the loser will drop in and pay forthem. "

As the two old fellows were departing after enjoying their temperancebeverage, the druggist asked them what the wager was. 

"Well, " said one of them, "our friend George bets that when the tower ofthe Singer Building falls, it will topple over toward the North River, and I bet that it won't. "

BIBLE INTERPRETATION

"Miss Jane, did Moses have the same after-dinner complaint my papa'sgot?" asked Percy of his governess. 

"Gracious me, Percy! Whatever do you mean, my dear?"

"Well, it says here that the Lord gave Moses two tablets. "

"Mr. Preacher, " said a white man to a colored minister who wasaddressing his congregation, "you are talking about Cain, and you say hegot married in the land of Nod, after he killed Abel. But the Biblementions only Adam and Eve as being on earth at that time. Who, then, did Cain marry?"

The colored preacher snorted with unfeigned contempt. "Huh!" he said, "you hear dat, brederen an' sisters? You hear dat fool question I amaxed? Cain, he went to de land o' Nod just as de Good Book tells us, an'in de land o' Nod Cain gits so lazy an' so shif'less dat he up an'marries a gal o' one o' dem no' count pore white trash families dat deinspired apostle didn't consider fittin' to mention in de Holy Word. "

BIGAMY

 There once was an old man of Lyme. Who married three wives at a time: When asked, "Why a third?" He replied, "One's absurd! And bigamy, sir, is a crime. "

BILLS

The proverb, "Where there's a will there's a way" is now revised to"When there's a bill we're away. "

YOUNG DOCTOR--"Why do you always ask your patients what they have fordinner?"

OLD DOCTOR--"It's a most important question, for according to theirmenus I make out my bills. "

Farmer Gray kept summer boarders. One of these, a schoolteacher, hiredhim to drive her to the various points of interest around the country. He pointed out this one and that, at the same time giving such items ofinformation as he possessed. 

The school-teacher, pursing her lips, remarked, "It will not benecessary for you to talk. "

When her bill was presented, there was a five-dollar charge marked"Extra. "

"What is this?" she asked, pointing to the item. 

"That, " replied the farmer, "is for sass. I don't often take it, butwhen I do I charge for it. "--_E. Egbert_. 

PATIENT (_angrily_)--"The size of your bill makes my blood boil. "

DOCTOR--"Then that will be $20 more for sterilizing your system. "

At the bedside of a patient who was a noted humorist, five doctors werein consultation as to the best means of producing a perspiration. 

The sick man overheard the discussion, and, after listening for a fewmoments, he turned his head toward the group and whispered with a drychuckle:

"Just send in your bills, gentlemen; that will bring it on at once. "

"Thank Heaven, those bills are got rid of, " said Bilkins, fervently, ashe tore up a bundle of statements of account dated October 1st. 

"All paid, eh?" said Mrs. Bilkins. 

"Oh, no, " said Bilkins. "The duplicates dated November 1st have come inand I don't have to keep these any longer. "

BIRTHDAYS

When a man has a birthday he takes a day off, but when a woman has abirthday she takes a year off. 

BLUFFING

Francis Wilson, the comedian, says that many years ago when he was amember of a company playing "She Stoops to Conquer, " a man without anymoney, wishing to see the show, stepped up to the box-office in a smalltown and said:

"Pass me in, please. "

The box-office man gave a loud, harsh laugh. 

"Pass you in? What for?" he asked. 

The applicant drew himself up and answered haughtily:

"What for? Why, because I am Oliver Goldsmith, author of the play. "

"Oh, I beg your pardon, sir, " replied the box-office man, as hehurriedly wrote out an order for a box. 

BLUNDERS

An early morning customer in an optician's shop was a young woman with adetermined air. She addressed the first salesman she saw. "I want tolook at a pair of eyeglasses, sir, of extra magnifying power. "

"Yes, ma'am, " replied the salesman; "something very strong?"

"Yes, sir. While visiting in the country I made a very painful blunderwhich I never want to repeat. "

"Indeed! Mistook a stranger for an acquaintance?"

"No, not exactly that; I mistook a bumblebee for a black-berry. "

The ship doctor of an English liner notified the death watch steward, anIrishman, that a man had died in stateroom 45. The usual instructions tobury the body were given. Some hours later the doctor peeked into theroom and found that the body was still there. He called the Irishman'sattention to the matter and the latter replied:

"I thought you said room 46. I wint to that room and noticed wan of thimin a bunk. 'Are ye dead?' says I. 'No, ' says he, 'but I'm pretty neardead. '

"So I buried him. "

Telephone girls sometimes glory in their mistakes if there is a joke inconsequence. The story is told by a telephone operator in one of theBoston exchanges about a man who asked her for the number of a localtheater. 

He got the wrong number and, without asking to whom he was talking, hesaid, "Can I get a box for two to-night?"

A startled voice answered him at the other end of the line, "We don'thave boxes for two. "

"Isn't this the ---- Theater?" he called crossly. 

"Why, no, " was the answer, "this is an undertaking shop. "

He canceled his order for a "box for two. "

A good Samaritan, passing an apartment house in the small hours of themorning, noticed a man leaning limply against the doorway. 

"What's the matter?" he asked, "Drunk?"

"Yep. "

"Do you live in this house?"

"Yep. "

"Do you want me to help you upstairs?"

"Yep. "

With much difficulty he half dragged, half carried the drooping figureup the stairway to the second floor. 

"What floor do you live on?" he asked. "Is this it?"

"Yep. "

Rather than face an irate wife who might, perhaps, take him for acompanion more at fault than her spouse, he opened the first door hecame to and pushed the limp figure in. 

The good Samaritan groped his way downstairs again. As he was passingthrough the vestibule he was able to make out the dim outlines ofanother man, apparently in worse condition than the first one. 

"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you drunk, too?"

"Yep, " was the feeble reply. 

"Do you live in this house, too?"

"Yep. "

"Shall I help you upstairs?"

"Yep. "

The good Samaritan pushed, pulled, and carried him to the second floor, where this man also said he lived. He opened the same door and pushedhim in. 

As he reached the front door he discerned the shadow of a third man, evidently worse off than either of the other two. He was about toapproach him when the object of his solicitude lurched out into thestreet and threw himself into the arms of a passing policeman. 

"For Heaven's sake, off'cer, " he gasped, "protect me from that man. He'sdone nothin' all night long but carry me upstairs 'n throw me down th'elevator shaf. "

 There was a young man from the city, Who met what he thought was a kitty; He gave it a pat, And said, "Nice little cat!" And they buried his clothes out of pity. 

BOASTING

Maybe the man who boasts that he doesn't owe a dollar inthe world couldn't if he tried. 

"What sort of chap is he?"

"Well, after a beggar has touched him for a dime he'll tellyou he 'gave a little dinner to an acquaintance of his. '"--_R. R. Kirk_. 

WILLIE--"All the stores closed on the day my uncle died. "

TOMMY--"That's nothing. All the banks closed for threeweeks the day after my pa left town. "--_Puck_. 

Two men were boasting about their rich kin. Said one:

"My father has a big farm in Connecticut. It is so big thatwhen he goes to the barn on Monday morning to milk the cowshe kisses us all good-by, and he doesn't get back till the followingSaturday. "

"Why does it take him so long?" the other man asked. 

"Because the barn is so far away from the house. "

"Well, that may be a pretty big farm, but compared to myfather's farm in Pennsylvania your father's farm ain't no biggerthan a city lot!"

"Why, how big is your father's farm?"

"Well, it's so big that my father sends young married couplesout to the barn to milk the cows, and the milk is brought backby their grandchildren. "

BONANZAS

A certain Congressman had disastrous experience in goldminespeculations. One day a number of colleagues were discussingthe subject of his speculation, when one of them saidto this Western member:

"Old chap, as an expert, give us a definition of the term, 'bonanza. '"

"A 'bonanza, '" replied the Western man with emphasis, "isa hole in the ground owned by a champion liar!"

BOOKKEEPING

Tommy, fourteen years old, arrived home for the holidays, and at his father's request produced his account book, duly keptat school. Among the items "S. P. G. " figured largely andfrequently. "Darling boy, " fondly exclaimed his doting mamma:"see how good he is--always giving to the missionaries. " ButTommy's sister knew him better than even his mother did, andtook the first opportunity of privately inquiring what those mysticletters stood for. Nor was she surprised ultimately to find thatthey represented, not the venerable Society for the Propagationof the Gospel, but "Sundries, Probably Grub. "

BOOKS AND READING

LADY PRESIDENT--"What book has helped you most?"

NEW MEMBER--"My husband's check-book. "--_Martha Young_. 

"You may send me up the complete works of Shakespeare, Goethe and Emerson--also something to read. "

There are three classes of bookbuyers: Collectors, womenand readers. 

The owner of a large library solemnly warned a friend againstthe practice of lending books. To punctuate his advice heshowed his friend the well-stocked shelves. "There!" said he. "Every one of those books was lent me. "

In science, read, by preference, the newest works; in literature, the oldest. --_Bulwer-Lytton_. 

Learning hath gained most by those books by which thePrinters have lost. --_Fuller_. 

 Books should to one of these four ends conduce, For wisdom, piety, delight, or use. 

 --_Sir John Denham_. 

A darky meeting another coming from the library with a book accosted himas follows:

"What book you done got there, Rastus?"

"'Last Days of Pompeii. '"

"Last days of Pompey? Is Pompey dead? I never heard about it. Now whatdid Pompey die of?"

"I don't 'xactly know, but it must hab been some kind of 'ruption. "

"I don't know what to give Lizzie for a Christmas present, " one chorusgirl is reported to have said to her mate while discussing the gift tobe made to a third. 

"Give her a book, " suggested the other. 

And the first one replied meditatively, "No, she's got abook. "--_Literary Digest_. 

BOOKSELLERS AND BOOKSELLING

A bookseller reports these mistakes of customers in sending orders:

 AS ORDERED CORRECT TITLE _Lame as a Roble_ _Les Misérables_ _God's Image in Mud_ _God's Image in Man_ _Pair of Saucers_ _Paracelsus_ _Pierre and His Poodle_ _Pierre and His People_

When a customer in a Boston department store asked a clerk for Hichens's_Bella Donna_, the reply was, "Drug counter, third aisle over. "

It was a few days before Christmas in one of New York's largebook-stores. 

CLERK--"What is it, please?"

CUSTOMER--"I would like Ibsen's _A Doll's House_. "

CLERK--"To cut out?"

BOOKWORMS

"A book-worm, " said papa, "is a person who would rather read than eat, or it is a worm that would rather eat than read. "

BOOMERANGS

_See_ Repartee; Retaliation. 

BORES

"What kind of a looking man is that chap Gabbleton you just mentioned? Idon't believe I have met him. "

"Well, if you see two men off in a corner anywhere and one of them looksbored to death, the other is Gabbleton. "--_Puck_. 

A man who was a well known killjoy was described as a great athlete. Hecould throw a wet blanket two hundred yards in any gathering. 

_See_ also Conversation; Husbands; Preaching; Public speakers;Reformers. 

BORROWERS

A well-known but broken-down Detroit newspaper man, who had been a powerin his day, approached an old friend the other day in the PontchartrainHotel and said:

"What do you think? I have just received the prize insult of my life. Apaper down in Muncie, Ind. , offered me a job. "

"Do you call that an insult?"

"Not the job, but the salary. They offered me twelve dollars a week. "

"Well, " said the friend, "twelve dollars a week is better than nothing. "

"Twelve a week--thunder!" exclaimed the old scribe. "I can borrow morethan that right here in Detroit. "--_Detroit Free Press_. 

One winter morning Henry Clay, finding himself in need of money, went tothe Riggs Bank and asked for the loan of $250 on his personal note. Hewas told that while his credit was perfectly good, it was the inflexiblerule of the bank to require an indorser. The great statesman hunted upDaniel Webster and asked him to indorse the note. 

"With pleasure, " said Webster. "But I need some money myself. Why notmake your note for five hundred, and you and I will split it?"

This they did. And to-day the note is in the Riggs Bank--unpaid. 

BOSSES

The insurance agent climbed the steps and rang the bell. 

"Whom do you wish to see?" asked the careworn person who came to thedoor. 

"I want to see the boss of the house, " replied the insurance agent. "Areyou the boss?"

"No, " meekly returned the man who came to the door; "I'm only thehusband of the boss. Step in, I'll call the boss. "

The insurance agent took a seat in the hall, and in a short time a talldignified woman appeared. 

"So you want to see the boss?" repeated the woman. "Well, just step intothe kitchen. This way, please. Bridget, this gentleman desires to seeyou. "

"Me th' boss!" exclaimed Bridget, when the insurance agent asked her thequestion. "Indade Oi'm not! Sure here comes th' boss now. "

She pointed to a small boy of ten years who was coming toward the house. 

"Tell me, " pleaded the insurance agent, when the lad came into thekitchen, "are you the boss of the house?"

"Want to see the boss?" asked the boy. "Well, you just come with me. "

Wearily the insurance agent climbed up the stairs. He was ushered into aroom on the second floor and guided to the crib of a sleeping baby. 

"There!" exclaimed the boy, "that's the real boss of this house. "

BOSTON

A tourist from the east, visiting an old prospector in his lonely cabinin the hills, commented: "And yet you seem so cheerful and happy. ""Yes, " replied the one of the pick and shovel. "I spent a week in Bostononce, and no matter what happens to me now, it seems good luck incomparison. "

A little Boston girl with exquisitely long golden curls and quite anangelic appearance in general, came in from an afternoon walk with hernurse and said to her mother, "Oh, Mamma, a strange woman on the streetsaid to me, 'My, but ain't you got beautiful hair!'"

The mother smiled, for the compliment was well merited, but she gaspedas the child innocently continued her account:

"I said to her, 'I am very glad to have you like my hair, but I am sorryto hear you use the word "ain't"!'"--_E. R. Bickford_. 

NAN--"That young man from Boston is an interesting talker, so far as youcan understand what he says; but what a queer dialect he uses. "

FAN--"That isn't dialect; it's vocabulary. Can't you tell thedifference?"

A Bostonian died, and when he arrived at St. Peter's gate he was askedthe usual questions:

"What is your name, and where are you from?"

The answer was, "Mr. So-and-So, from Boston. "

"You may come in, " said Peter, "but I know you won't like it. "

 There was a young lady from Boston, A two-horned dilemma was tossed on, As to which was the best, To be rich in the west Or poor and peculiar in Boston. 

BOXING

John L. Sullivan was asked why he had never taken to giving boxinglessons. 

"Well, son, I tried it once, " replied Mr. Sullivan. "A husky young mantook one lesson from me and went home a little the worse for wear. Whenhe came around for his second lesson he said: 'Mr Sullivan, it was myidea to learn enough about boxing from you to be able to lick a certainyoung gentleman what I've got it in for. But I've changed my mind, ' sayshe. 'If it's all the same to you, Mr. Sullivan, I'll send this younggentleman down here to take the rest of my lessons for me. '"

BOYS

A certain island in the West Indies is liable to the periodical adventof earthquakes. One year before the season of these terrestrialdisturbances, Mr. X. , who lived in the danger zone, sent his two sons tothe home of a brother in England, to secure them from the impendinghavoc. 

Evidently the quiet of the staid English household was disturbed by theirruption of the two West Indians, for the returning mail steamercarried a message to Mr. X. , brief but emphatic:

"Take back your boys; send me the earthquake. "

Aunt Eliza came up the walk and said to her small nephew: "Good morning, Willie. Is your mother in?"

"Sure she's in, " replied Willie truculently. "D'you s'pose I'd beworkin' in the garden on Saturday morning if she wasn't?"

An iron hoop bounded through the area railings of a suburban house andplayed havoc with the kitchen window. The woman waited, anger in hereyes, for the appearance of the hoop's owner. Presently he came. 

"Please, I've broken your window, " he said, "and here's Father to mendit. "

And, sure enough, he was followed by a stolid-looking workman, who atonce started to work, while the small boy took his hoop and ran off. 

"That'll be four bits, ma'am, " announced the glazier when the window waswhole once more. 

"Four bits!" gasped the woman. "But your little boy broke it--the littlefellow with the hoop, you know. You're his father, aren't you?"

The stolid man shook his head. 

"Don't know him from Adam, " he said. "He came around to my place andtold me his mother wanted her winder fixed. You're his mother, aren'tyou?"

And the woman shook her head also. --_Ray Trum Nathan_. 

_See also_ Egotism; Employers and employees; Office boys. 

BREAKFAST FOODS

Pharaoh had just dreamed of the seven full and the seven blasted ears ofcorn. 

"You are going to invent a new kind of breakfast food, " interpretedJoseph. --_Judge_. 

BREATH

One day a teacher was having a first-grade class in physiology. Sheasked them if they knew that there was a burning fire in the body all ofthe time. One little girl spoke up and said:

"Yes'm, when it is a cold day I can see the smoke. "

Said the bibulous gentleman who had been reading birth and deathstatistics: "Do you know, James, every time I breathe a man dies?"

"Then, " said James, "why don't you chew cloves?"

BREVITY

An after-dinner speaker was called on to speak on "The Antiquity of theMicrobe. " He arose and said, "Adam had 'em, " and then sat down. 

A negro servant, on being ordered to announce visitors to a dinnerparty, was directed to call out in a loud, distinct voice their names. The first to arrive was the Fitzgerald family, numbering eight persons. The negro announced Major Fitzgerald, Miss Fitzgerald, MasterFitzgerald, and so on. 

This so annoyed the master that he went to the negro and said, "Don'tannounce each person like that; say something shorter. "

The next to arrive were Mr. And Mrs. Penny and their daughter. The negrosolemnly opened the door and called out, "Thrupence!"

Dr. Abernethy, the famous Scotch surgeon, was a man of few words, but heonce met his match--in a woman. She called at his office in Edinburgh, one day, with a hand badly inflamed and swollen. The following dialogue, opened by the doctor, took place. 

"Burn?"

"Bruise. "

"Poultice. "

The next day the woman called, and the dialogue was as follows:

"Better?"

"Worse. "

"More poultice. "

Two days later the woman made another call. 

"Better?"

"Well. Fee?"

"Nothing. Most sensible woman I ever saw. "

BRIBERY

A judge, disgusted with a jury that seemed unable to reach an agreementin a perfectly evident case, rose and said, "I discharge this jury. "

One sensitive talesman, indignant at what he considered a rebuke, obstinately faced the judge. 

"You can't discharge me, " he said in tones of one standing upon hisrights. 

"And why not?" asked the surprised judge. 

"Because, " announced the juror, pointing to the lawyer for the defense, "I'm being hired by that man there!"

BRIDES

"My dear, " said the young husband as he took the bottle of milk from thedumb-waiter and held it up to the light, "have you noticed that there'snever cream on this milk?"

"I spoke to the milkman about it, " she replied, "and he explained thatthe company always fill their bottles so full that there's no room forcream on top. "

"Do you think only of me?" murmured the bride. "Tell me that you thinkonly of me. "

"It's this way, " explained the groom gently. "Now and then I have tothink of the furnace, my dear. "

BRIDGE WHIST

"How about the sermon?"

"The minister preached on the sinfulness of cheating at bridge. "

"You don't say! Did he mention any names?"

BROOKLYN

At the Brooklyn Bridge. --"Madam, do you want to go to Brooklyn?"

"No, I have to. "--_Life_. 

BRYAN, WILLIAM JENNINGS

Some time after the presidential election of 1908, one of Champ Clark'sfriends noticed that he still wore one of the Bryan watch fobs sopopular during the election. On being asked the reason for this, Champreplied: "Oh, that's to keep my watch running. "

BUILDINGS

Pat had gone back home to Ireland and was telling about New York. 

"Have they such tall buildings in America as they say, Pat?" asked theparish priest. 

"Tall buildings ye ask, sur?" replied Pat. "Faith, sur, the last one Iworked on we had to lay on our stomachs to let the moon pass. "

BURGLARS

A burglar was one night engaged in the pleasing occupation of stowing agood haul of swag in his bag when he was startled by a touch on theshoulder, and, turning his head, he beheld a venerable, mild-eyedclergyman gazing sadly at him. 

"Oh, my brother, " groaned the reverend gentleman, "wouldst thou rob me?Turn, I beseech thee--turn from thy evil ways. Return those stolen goodsand depart in peace, for I am merciful and forgive. Begone!"

And the burglar, only too thankful at not being given into custody ofthe police, obeyed and slunk swiftly off. 

Then the good old man carefully and quietly packed the swag into anotherbag and walked softly (so as not to disturb the slumber of the inmates)out of the house and away into the silent night. 

BUSINESS

A Boston lawyer, who brought his wit from his native Dublin, whilecross-examining the plaintiff in a divorce trial, brought forth thefollowing:

"You wish to divorce this woman because she drinks?"

"Yes, sir. "

"Do you drink yourself?"

"That's _my_ business!" angrily. 

Whereupon the unmoved lawyer asked: "Have you any other business?"

At the Boston Immigration Station one blank was recently filled out asfollows:

Name--Abraham Cherkowsky. Born--Yes. Business--Rotten. 

BUSINESS ENTERPRISE

It happened in Topeka. Three clothing stores were on the same block. Onemorning the middle proprietor saw to the right of him a bigsign--"Bankrupt Sale, " and to the left--"Closing Out at Cost. " Twentyminutes later there appeared over his own door, in larger letters, "MainEntrance. "

In a section of Washington where there are a number of hotels and cheaprestaurants, one enterprising concern has displayed in great illuminatedletters, "Open All Night. " Next to it was a restaurant bearing withequal prominence the legend:

"We Never Close. "

Third in order was a Chinese laundry in a little, low-framed, tumbledownhovel, and upon the front of this building was the sign, in great, scrawling letters:

"Me wakee, too. "

A boy looking for something to do saw the sign "Boy Wanted" hangingoutside of a store in New York. He picked up the sign and entered thestore. 

The proprietor met him. "What did you bring that sign in here for?"asked the storekeeper. 

"You won't need it any more, " said the boy cheerfully. "I'm going totake the job. "

A Chinaman found his wife lying dead in a field one morning; a tiger hadkilled her. 

The Chinaman went home, procured some arsenic, and, returning to thefield, sprinkled it over the corpse. 

The next day the tiger's dead body lay beside the woman's. The Chinamansold the tiger's skin to a mandarin, and its body to a physician to makefear-cure powders, and with the proceeds he was able to buy a youngerwife. 

A rather simple-looking lad halted before a blacksmith's shop on his wayhome from school and eyed the doings of the proprietor with muchinterest. 

The brawny smith, dissatisfied with the boy's curiosity, held a piece ofred-hot iron suddenly under the youngster's nose, hoping to make himbeat a hasty retreat. 

"If you'll give me half a dollar I'll lick it, " said the lad. 

The smith took from his pocket half a dollar and held it out. 

The simple-looking youngster took the coin, licked it, dropped it in hispocket and slowly walked away whistling. 

"Do you know where Johnny Locke lives, my little boy?" asked agentle-voiced old lady. 

"He aint home, but if you give me a penny I'll find him for you rightoff, " replied the lad. 

"All right, you're a nice little boy. Now where is he?"

"Thanks--I'm him. "

"From each according to his ability, to each according to his need, "would seem to be the principle of the Chinese storekeeper whom atraveler tells about. The Chinaman asked $2. 50 for five pounds of tea, while he demanded $7. 50 for ten pounds of the same brand. His businessphilosophy was expressed in these words of explanation: "More buy, morerich--more rich, more can pay!"

In a New York street a wagon loaded with lamp globes collided with atruck and many of the globes were smashed. Considerable sympathy wasfelt for the driver as he gazed ruefully at the shattered fragments. Abenevolent-looking old gentleman eyed him compassionately. 

"My poor man, " he said, "I suppose you will have to make good this lossout of your own pocket?"

"Yep, " was the melancholy reply. 

"Well, well, " said the philanthropic old gentleman, "hold out yourhat--here's a quarter for you; and I dare say some of these other peoplewill give you a helping hand too. "

The driver held out his hat and several persons hastened to drop coinsin it. At last, when the contributions had ceased, he emptied thecontents of his hat into his pocket. Then, pointing to the retreatingfigure of the philanthropist who had started the collection, heobserved: "Say, maybe he ain't the wise guy! That's me boss!"

BUSINESS ETHICS

"Johnny, " said his teacher, "if coal is selling at $6 a ton and you payyour dealer $24 how many tons will he bring you?"

"A little over three tons, ma'am, " said Johnny promptly. 

"Why, Johnny, that isn't right, " said the teacher. 

"No, ma'am, I know it ain't, " said Johnny, "but they all do it. "

BUSINESS WOMEN

Wanted--A housekeeping man by a business woman. Object matrimony. 

CAMPAIGNS

_See_ Candidates; Public speakers. 

CAMPING

Camp life is just one canned thing after another. 

CANDIDATES

"When I first decided to allow the people of Tupelo to use my name as acandidate for Congress, I went out to a neighboring parish to speak, "said Private John Allen recently to some friends at the old MetropolitanHotel in Washington. 

"An old darky came up to greet me after the meeting. 'Marse Allen, ' hesaid, 'I's powerful glad to see you. I's known ob you sense you was ababby. Knew yoh pappy long befo' you-all wuz bohn, too. He used to holdde same office you got now. I 'members how he held dat same office fo'years an' years. '

"'What office do you mean, uncle?' I asked, as I never knew pop held anyoffice. 

"'Why, de office ob candidate, Marse John; yoh pappy was candidate fo'many years. '"

A good story is told on the later Senator Vance. He was traveling downin North Carolina, when he met an old darky one Sunday morning. He hadknown the old man for many years, so he took the liberty of inquiringwhere he was going. 

"I am, sah, pedestrianin' my appointed way to de tabernacle of deLord. "

"Are you an Episcopalian?" inquired Vance. 

"No, sah, I can't say dat I am an Epispokapillian. "

"Maybe you are a Baptist?"

"No, sah, I can't say dat I's ever been buried wid de Lord in de watersof baptism. "

"Oh, I see you are a Methodist. "

"No, sah, I can't say dat I's one of dose who hold to argyments of defaith of de Medodists. "

"What are you, then, uncle?"

"I's a Presbyterian, Marse Zeb, just de same as you is. "

"Oh nonsense, uncle, you don't mean to say that you subscribe to all thearticles of the Presbyterian faith?"

"'Deed I do sah. "

"Do you believe in the doctrine of election to be saved?"

"Yas, sah, I b'lieve in the doctrine of 'lection most firmly andun'quivactin'ly. "

"Well then tell me do you believe that I am elected to be saved?"

The old darky hesitated. There was undoubtedly a terrific struggle goingon in his mind between his veracity and his desire to be polite to theSenator. Finally he compromised by saying:

"Well, I'll tell you how it is, Marse Zeb. You see I's never heard ofanybody bein' 'lected to anything for what they wasn't a candidate. Hasyou, sah?"

A political office in a small town was vacant. The office paid $250 ayear and there was keen competition for it. One of the candidates, Ezekiel Hicks, was a shrewd old fellow, and a neat campaign fund wasturned over to him. To the astonishment of all, however, he wasdefeated. 

"I can't account for it, " said one of the leaders of Hicks' party, gloomily. 

"With that money we should have won. How did you lay it out, Ezekiel. "

"Well, " said Ezekiel, slowly pulling his whiskers, "yer see that officeonly pays $250 a year salary, an' I didn't see no sense in paying $900out to get the office, so I bought a little truck farm instead. "

The little daughter of a Democratic candidate for a local office inSaratoga County, New York, when told that her father had got thenomination, cried out, "Oh, mama, do they ever die of it?"

"I am willing, " said the candidate, after he had hit the table aterrible blow with his fist, "to trust the people. "

"Gee!" yelled a little man in the audience. "I wish you'd open agrocery. "

"Now, Mr. Blank, " said a temperance advocate to a candidate formunicipal honors, "I want to ask you a question. Do you ever takealcoholic drinks?"

"Before I answer the question, " responded the wary candidate, "I want to know whether it is put as an inquiry or as an invitation!"

_See also_ Politicians. 

CANNING AND PRESERVING

 A canner, exceedingly canny, One morning remarked to his granny, "A canner can can Anything that he can; But a canner can't can a can, can he?"

 --Carolyn Wells. 

CAPITALISTS

Of the late Bishop Charles G. Grafton a Fond du Lac man said: "BishopGrafton was remarkable for the neatness and point of his pulpitutterances. Once, during a disastrous strike, a capitalist of Fond duLac arose in a church meeting and asked leave to speak. The bishop gavehim the floor, and the man delivered himself of a long panegyric uponcaptains of industry, upon the good they do by giving men work, bybooming the country, by reducing the cost of production, and so forth. When the capitalist had finished his self-praise and, flushed andsatisfied, had sat down again, Bishop Grafton rose and said with quietsignificance: 'Is there any other sinner that would like to say aword?'"

CAREFULNESS

Michael Dugan, a journeyman plumber, was sent by his employer to theHightower mansion to repair a gas-leak in the drawing-room. When thebutler admitted him he said to Dugan:

"You are requested to be careful of the floors. They have just beenpolished. "

"They's no danger iv me slippin' on thim, " replied Dugan. "I hov spikesin me shoes. "--_Lippincott's_. 

CARPENTERS

While building a house, Senator Platt of Connecticut had occasion toemploy a carpenter. One of the applicants was a plain ConnecticutYankee, without any frills. 

"You thoroughly understand carpentry?" asked the senator. 

"Yes, sir. "

"You can make doors, windows, and blinds?"

"Oh, yes sir!"

"How would you make a Venetian blind?"

The man scratched his head and thought deeply for a few seconds. "Ishould think, sir, " he said finally, "about the best way would be topunch him in the eye. "

CARVING

To Our National Birds--the Eagle and the Turkey--(while the host iscarving):

 May one give us peace in all our States, And the other a piece for all our plates. 

CASTE

In some parts of the South the darkies are still addicted to the oldstyle country dance in a big hall, with the fiddlers, banjoists, andother musicians on a platform at one end. 

At one such dance held not long ago in an Alabama town, when thefiddlers had duly resined their bows and taken their places on theplatform, the floor manager rose. 

"Git yo' partners fo' de nex' dance!" he yelled. "All you ladies an'gennulmens dat wears shoes an' stockin's, take yo' places in de middleof de room. All you ladies an' gennulmens dat wears shoes an' nostockin's, take yo' places immejitly behim' dem. An' yo' barfootedcrowd, you jes' jig it roun' in de corners. "--_Taylor Edwards_. 

CATS

 There was a young lady whose dream Was to feed a black cat on whipt cream, But the cat with a bound Spilt the milk on the ground, So she fed a whipt cat on black cream. 

 There once were two cats in Kilkenny, And each cat thought that there was one cat too many, And they scratched and they fit and they tore and they bit, 'Til instead of two cats--there weren't any. 

CAUSE AND EFFECT

Archbishop Whately was one day asked if he rose early. He replied thatonce he did, but he was so proud all the morning and so sleepy all theafternoon that he determined never to do it again. 

A man who has an office downtown called his wife by telephone the othermorning and during the conversation asked what the baby was doing. 

"She was crying her eyes out, " replied the mother. 

"What about?"

"I don't know whether it is because she has eaten too many strawberriesor because she wants more, " replied the discouraged mother. 

BANKS--"I had a new experience yesterday, one you might callunaccountable. I ate a hearty dinner, finishing up with a Welsh rabbit, a mince pie and some lobster à la Newburgh. Then I went to a place ofamusement. I had hardly entered the building before everything swambefore me. "

BINKS--"The Welsh rabbit did it. "

BUNKS--"No; it was the lobster. "

BONKS--"I think it was the mince pie. "

BANKS--"No; I have a simpler explanation than that. I never felt betterin my life; I was at the Aquarium. "--_Judge_. 

Among a party of Bostonians who spent some time in a hunting-camp inMaine were two college professors. No sooner had the learned gentlemenarrived than their attention was attracted by the unusual position ofthe stove, which was set on posts about four feet high. 

This circumstance afforded one of the professors immediate opportunityto comment upon the knowledge that woodsmen gain by observation. 

"Now, " said he, "this man has discovered that heat emanating from astove strikes the roof, and that the circulation is so quickened thatthe camp is warmed in much less time than would be required were thestove in its regular place on the floor. "

But the other professor ventured the opinion that the stove was elevatedto be above the window in order that cool and pure air could be had atnight. 

The host, being of a practical turn, thought that the stove was set highin order that a good supply of green wood could be placed under it. 

After much argument, they called the guide and asked why the stove wasin such a position. 

The man grinned. "Well, gents, " he explained, "when I brought the stoveup the river I lost most of the stove-pipe overboard; so we had to setthe stove up that way so as to have the pipe reach through the roof. "

Jack Barrymore, son of Maurice Barrymore, and himself an actor of someability, is not over-particular about his personal appearance and is alittle lazy. 

He was in San Francisco on the morning of the earthquake. He was thrownout of bed by one of the shocks, spun around on the floor and leftgasping in a corner. Finally, he got to his feet and rushed for abathtub, where he stayed all that day. Next day he ventured out. Asoldier, with a bayonet on his gun, captured Barrymore and compelled himto pile bricks for two days. 

Barrymore was telling his terrible experience in the Lambs' Club in NewYork. 

"Extraordinary, " commented Augustus Thomas, the playwright. "It took aconvulsion of nature to make Jack take a bath, and the United StatesArmy to make him go to work. "

CAUTION

Marshall Field, 3rd, according to a story that was going the roundsseveral years ago, bids fair to become a very cautious business man whenhe grows up. Approaching an old lady in a Lakewood hotel, he said:

"Can you crack nuts?"

"No, dear, " the old lady replied. "I lost all my teeth ages ago. "

"Then, " requested Master Field, extending two hands full of pecans, "please hold these while I go and get some more. "

CHAMPAGNE

MR. HILTON--"Have you opened that bottle of champagne, Bridget?"

BRIDGET--"Faith, I started to open it, an' it began to open itself. Sure, the mon that filled that bottle must 'av' put in two quartsinstead of wan. "

Sir Andrew Clark was Mr. Gladstone's physician, and was known to thegreat statesman as a "temperance doctor" who very rarely prescribedalcohol for his patients. On one occasion he surprised Mr. Gladstone byrecommending him to take some wine. In answer to his illustriouspatient's surprise he said:

"Oh, wine does sometimes help you get through work! For instance, I haveoften twenty letters to answer after dinner, and a pint of champagne isa great help. "

"Indeed!" remarked Mr. Gladstone; "does a pint of champagne really helpyou to answer the twenty letters?"

"No, " Sir Andrew explained; "but when I've had a pint of champagne Idon't care a rap whether I answer them or not. "

CHARACTER

The Rev. Charles H. Spurgeon was fond of a joke and his keen wit was, moreover, based on sterling common sense. One day he remarked to one ofhis sons:

"Can you tell me the reason why the lions didn't eat Daniel?"

"No sir. Why was it?"

"Because the most of him was backbone and the rest was grit. "

They were trying an Irishman, charged with a petty offense, in anOklahoma town, when the judge asked: "Have you any one in court who willvouch for your good character?"

"Yis, your honor, " quickly responded the Celt, "there's the sheriffthere. "

Whereupon the sheriff evinced signs of great amazement. 

"Why, your honor, " declared he, "I don't even know the man. "

"Observe, your honor, " said the Irishman, triumphantly, "observe thatI've lived in the country for over twelve years an' the sheriff doesn'tknow me yit! Ain't that a character for ye?"

We must have a weak spot or two in a character before we can love itmuch. People that do not laugh or cry, or take more of anything than isgood for them, or use anything but dictionary-words, are admirablesubjects for biographies. But we don't care most for those flat patternflowers that press best in the herbarium. --_O. W. Holmes_. 

CHARITY

"Charity, " said Rev. B. , "is a sentiment common to human nature. A neversees B in distress without wishing C to relieve him. "

Dr. C. H. Parkhurst, the eloquent New York clergyman, at a recentbanquet said of charity:

"Too many of us, perhaps, misinterpret the meaning of charity as themaster misinterpreted the Scriptural text. This master, a pillar of awestern church, entered in his journal:

"'The Scripture ordains that, if a man take away thy coat, let him havethy cloak also. To-day, having caught the hostler stealing my potatoes, I have given him the sack. '"

THE LADY--"Well, I'll give you a dime; not because you deserve it, mind, but because it pleases me. "

THE TRAMP--"Thank you, mum. Couldn't yer make it a quarter an' thorolyenjoy yourself?"

Porter Emerson came into the office yesterday. He had been out in thecountry for a week and was very cheerful. Just as he was leaving, hesaid: "Did you hear about that man who died the other day and left allhe had to the orphanage?"

"No, " some one answered. "How much did he leave?"

"Twelve children. "

"I made a mistake, " said Plodding Pete. "I told that man up the road Ineeded a little help 'cause I was lookin' for me family from whom I hadbeen separated fur years. "

"Didn't that make him come across?"

"He couldn't see it. He said dat he didn't know my family, but he wasn'tgoin' to help in bringing any such trouble on 'em. "

"It requires a vast deal of courage and charity to be philanthropic, "remarked Sir Thomas Lipton, apropos of Andrew Carnegie's giving. "Iremember when I was just starting in business. I was very poor andmaking every sacrifice to enlarge my little shop. My only assistant wasa boy of fourteen, faithful and willing and honest. One day I heard himcomplaining, and with justice, that his clothes were so shabby that hewas ashamed to go to chapel. 

"'There's no chance of my getting a new suit this year, ' he told me. 'Dad's out of work, and it takes all of my wages to pay the rent. '

"I thought the matter over, and then took a sovereign from my carefullyhoarded savings and bought the boy a stout warm suit of blue cloth. Hewas so grateful that I felt repaid for my sacrifice. But the next day hedidn't come to work. I met his mother on the street and asked her thereason. 

"'Why, Mr. Lipton, ' she said, curtsying, 'Jimmie looks so respectable, thanks to you, sir, that I thought I would send him around town today tosee if he couldn't get a better job. '"

"Good morning, ma'am, " began the temperance worker. "I'm collecting forthe Inebriates' Home and--"

"Why, me husband's out, " replied Mrs. McGuire, "but if ye can find himanywhere's ye're welcome to him. "

Charity is a virtue of the heart, and not of the hands. --_Addison_. 

You find people ready enough to do the Samaritan, without the oil andtwopence. --_Sydney Smith_. 

CHICAGO

A western bookseller wrote to a house in Chicago asking that a dozencopies of Canon Farrar's "Seekers after God" be shipped to him at once. 

Within two days he received this reply by telegraph:

"No seekers after God in Chicago or New York. Try Philadelphia. "

CHICKEN STEALING

Senator Money of Mississippi asked an old colored man what breed ofchickens he considered best, and he replied:

"All kinds has merits. De w'ite ones is de easiest to find; but de blackones is de easiest to hide aftah you gits 'em. "

Ida Black had retired from the most select colored circles for a briefspace, on account of a slight difficulty connected with a gentleman'spoultry-yard. Her mother was being consoled by a white friend. 

"Why, Aunt Easter, I was mighty sorry to hear about Ida--"

"Marse John, Ida ain't nuvver tuk dem chickens. Ida wouldn't do sich athing! Ida wouldn't demeange herse'f to rob nobody's hen-roost--and, anyway, dem old chickens warn't nothing't all but feathers when we picked'em. "

"Does de white folks in youah neighborhood keep eny chickens, Br'erRastus?"

"Well, Br'er Johnsing, mebbe dey does keep a few. "

Henry E. Dixey met a friend one afternoon on Broadway. 

"Well, Henry, " exclaimed the friend, "you are looking fine! What do theyfeed you on?"

"Chicken mostly, " replied Dixey. "You see, I am rehearsing in a playwhere I am to be a thief, so, just by way of getting into training forthe part I steal one of my own chickens every morning and have the cookbroil it for me. I have accomplished the remarkable feat of eatingthirty chickens in thirty consecutive days. "

"Great Scott!" exclaimed the friend. "Do you still like them?"

"Yes, I do, " replied Dixey; "and, what is better still, the chickenslike me. Why they have got so when I sneak into the hen-house they allbegin to cackle, 'I wish I was in Dixey. '"--_A. S. Hitchcock_. 

A southerner, hearing a great commotion in his chicken-house one darknight, took his revolver and went to investigate. 

"Who's there?" he sternly demanded, opening the door. 

No answer. 

"Who's there? Answer, or I'll shoot!"

A trembling voice from the farthest corner:

"'Deed, sah, dey ain't nobody hyah ceptin' us chickens. "

A colored parson, calling upon one of his flock, found the object of hisvisit out in the back yard working among his hen-coops. He noticed withsurprise that there were no chickens. 

"Why, Brudder Brown, " he asked, "whar'r all yo' chickens?"

"Huh, " grunted Brother Brown without looking up, "some fool niggah lefde do' open an' dey all went home. "

CHILD LABOR

"What's up old man; you look as happy as a lark!"

"Happy? Why shouldn't I look happy? No more hard, weary work by yourstruly. I've got eight kids and I'm going to move to Alabama. "--_Life_. 

CHILDREN

Two weary parents once advertised:

"WANTED, AT ONCE--Two fluent and well-learned persons, male or female, to answer the questions of a little girl of three and a boy of four;each to take four hours per day and rest the parents of said children. "

Another couple advertised:

"WANTED: A governess who is good stenographer, to take down the cleversayings of our child. "

A boy twelve years old with an air of melancholy resignation, went tohis teacher and handed in the following note from his mother beforetaking his seat:

 "Dear Sir: Please excuse James for not being present yesterday. 

 "He played truant, but you needn't whip him for it, as the boy he played truant with and him fell out, and he licked James; and a man they threw stones at caught him and licked him; and the driver of a cart they hung onto licked him; and the owner of a cat they chased licked him. Then I licked him when he came home, after which his father licked him; and I had to give him another for being impudent to me for telling his father. So you need not lick him until next time. 

 "He thinks he will attend regular in future. "

MRS. POST--"But why adopt a baby when you have three children of yourown under five years old?"

MRS. PARKER--"My own are being brought up properly. The adopted one isto enjoy. "

The neighbors of a certain woman in a New England town maintain thatthis lady entertains some very peculiar notions touching the training ofchildren. Local opinion ascribes these oddities on her part to the factthat she attended normal school for one year just before her marriage. 

Said one neighbor: "She does a lot of funny things. What do you supposeI heard her say to that boy of hers this afternoon?"

"I dunno. What was it?"

"Well, you know her husband cut his finger badly yesterday with ahay-cutter; and this afternoon as I was goin' by the house I heard hersay:

"'Now, William, you must be a very good boy, for your father has injuredhis hand, and if you are naughty he won't be able to whip you. '"--_EdwinTarrisse_. 

Childhood has no forebodings; but then, it is soothed by no memories ofoutlived sorrow. --_George Eliot_. 

Better to be driven out from among men than to be disliked ofchildren. --_R. H. Dana_. 

_See also_ Boys; Families. 

CHOICES

William Phillips, our secretary of embassy at London, tells of anAmerican officer who, by the kind permission of the British Government, was once enabled to make a week's cruise on one of His Majesty'sbattleships. Among other things that impressed the American was thevessel's Sunday morning service. It was very well attended, every sailornot on duty being there. At the conclusion of the service the Americanchanced to ask one of the jackies:

"Are you obliged to attend these Sunday morning services?"

"Not exactly obliged to, sir, " replied the sailor-man, "but our grogwould be stopped if we didn't, sir. "--_Edwin Tarrisse_. 

A well-known furniture dealer of a Virginia town wanted to give hisfaithful negro driver something for Christmas in recognition of hisunfailing good humor in toting out stoves, beds, pianos, etc. 

"Dobson, " he said, "you have helped me through some pretty tight placesin the last ten years, and I want to give you something as a Christmaspresent that will be useful to you and that you will enjoy. Which do youprefer, a ton of coal or a gallon of good whiskey?"

"Boss, " Dobson replied, "Ah burns wood. "

A man hurried into a quick-lunch restaurant recently and called to thewaiter: "Give me a ham sandwich. "

"Yes, sir, " said the waiter, reaching for the sandwich; "will you eat itor take it with you?"

"Both, " was the unexpected but obvious reply. 

CHOIRS

_See_ Singers. 

CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS

While waiting for the speaker at a public meeting a pale little man inthe audience seemed very nervous. He glanced over his shoulder from timeto time and squirmed and shifted about in his seat. At last, unable tostand it longer, he arose and demanded, in a high, penetrating voice, "Is there a Christian Scientist in this room?"

A woman at the other side of the hall got up and said, "I am a ChristianScientist. "

"Well, then, madam, " requested the little man, "would you mind changingseats with me? I'm sitting in a draft. "

CHRISTIANS

At a dinner, when the gentlemen retired to the smoking room and one ofthe guests, a Japanese, remained with the ladies, one asked him:

"Aren't you going to join the gentlemen, Mr. Nagasaki?"

"No. I do not smoke, I do not swear, I do not drink. But then, I am nota Christian. "

A traveler who believed himself to be sole survivor of a shipwreck upona cannibal isle hid for three days, in terror of his life. Driven out byhunger, he discovered a thin wisp of smoke rising from a clump of bushesinland, and crawled carefully to study the type of savages about it. Just as he reached the clump he heard a voice say: "Why in hell did youplay that card?" He dropped on his knees and, devoutly raising hishands, cried:

"Thank God they are Christians!"

CHRISTMAS GIFTS

"As you don't seem to know what you'd like for Christmas, Freddie, " saidhis mother, "here's a printed list of presents for a good little boy. "

Freddie read over the list, and then said:

"Mother, haven't you a list for a bad little boy?"

 'Twas the month after Christmas, And Santa had flit; Came there tidings for father Which read: "Please remit!"

 --_R. L. F_. 

Little six-year-old Harry was asked by his Sunday-school teacher:

"And, Harry, what are you going to give your darling little brother forChristmas this year?"

"I dunno, " said Harry; "I gave him the measles last year. "

 For little children everywhere A joyous season still we make; We bring our precious gifts to them, Even for the dear child Jesus' sake. 

 --_Phebe Cary_. 

 I will, if you will, devote my Christmas giving to the children and the needy, reserving only the privilege of, once in a while, giving to a dear friend a gift which then will have the old charm of being a genuine surprise. 

 I will, if you will, keep the spirit of Christmas in my heart, and, barring out hurry, worry, and competition, will consecrate the blessed season, in joy and love, to the One whose birth we celebrate. 

 --_Jane Porter Williams_. 

CHRONOLOGY

TOURIST--"They have just dug up the corner-stone of an ancient libraryin Greece, on which is inscribed '4000 B. C. '"

ENGLISHMAN--"Before Carnegie, I presume. "

CHURCH ATTENDANCE

"Tremendous crowd up at our church last night. "

"New minister?"

"No it was burned down. "

"I understand, " said a young woman to another, "that at your church youare having such small congregations. Is that so?"

"Yes, " answered the other girl, "so small that every time our rectorsays 'Dearly Beloved' you feel as if you had received a proposal!"

"Are you a pillar of the church?"

"No, I'm a flying buttress--I support it from the outside. "

CHURCH DISCIPLINE

Pius the Ninth was not without a certain sense of humor. One day, whilesitting for his portrait to Healy, the painter, speaking of a monk whohad left the church and married, he observed, not without malice: "Hehas taken his punishment into his own hands. "

CIRCUS

A well-known theatrical manager repeats an instance of what the late W. C. Coup, of circus fame, once told him was one of the most amusingfeatures of the show-business; the faking in the "side-show. "

Coup was the owner of a small circus that boasted among its principalattractions a man-eating ape, alleged to be the largest in captivity. This ferocious beast was exhibited chained to the dead trunk of a treein the side-show. Early in the day of the first performance of Coup'senterprise at a certain Ohio town, a countryman handed the man-eatingape a piece of tobacco, in the chewing of which the beast evinced thegreatest satisfaction. 

The word was soon passed around that the ape would chew tobacco; and theresult was that several plugs were thrown at him. Unhappily, however, one of these had been filled with cayenne pepper. The man-eating ape bitit; then, howling with indignation, snapped the chain that bound him tothe tree, and made straight for the practical joker who had so cruellydeceived him. 

"Lave me at 'im!" yelled the ape. "Lave me at 'im, the dirty villain!I'll have the rube's loife, or me name ain't Magillicuddy!"

Fortunately for the countryman and for Magillicuddy, too, the man-eatingape was restrained by the bystanders in time to prevent a killing. 

 Willie to the circus went, He thought it was immense; His little heart went pitter-pat, For the excitement was in tents. 

 --_Harvard Lampoon_. 

A child of strict parents, whose greatest joy had hitherto been theweekly prayer-meeting, was taken by its nurse to the circus for thefirst time. When he came home he exclaimed:

"Oh, Mama, if you once went to the circus you'd never, never go to aprayer-meeting again in all your life. "

Johnny, who had been to the circus, was telling his teacher about thewonderful things he had seen. 

"An' teacher, " he cried, "they had one big animal they called thehip--hip--

"Hippopotamus, dear, " prompted the teacher. 

"I can't just say its name, " exclaimed Johnny, "but it looks just like9, 000 pounds of liver. "

CIVILIZATION

An officer of the Indian Office at Washington tells of the patronizingairs frequently assumed by visitors to the government schools for theredskins. 

On one occasion a pompous little man was being shown through oneinstitution when he came upon an Indian lad of seventeen years. Theworker was engaged in a bit of carpentry, which the visitor observed insilence for some minutes. Then, with the utmost gravity, he asked theboy:

"Are you civilized?"

The youthful redskin lifted his eyes from his work, calmly surveyed hisquestioner, and then replied:

"No, are you?"--_Taylor Edwards_. 

"My dear, listen to this, " exclaimed the elderly English lady to herhusband, on her first visit to the States. She held the hotel menualmost at arm's length, and spoke in a tone of horror: "'Baked Indianpudding!' Can it be possible in a civilized country?"

"The path of civilization is paved with tin cans. "--_The Philistine_. 

CLEANLINESS

"Among the tenements that lay within my jurisdiction when I first tookup mission work on the East Side. " says a New York young woman, "was oneto clean out which would have called for the best efforts of therenovator of the Augean stables. And the families in this tenement werealmost as hopeless as the tenement itself. 

"On one occasion I felt distinctly encouraged, however, since I observedthat the face of one youngster was actually clean. 

"'William, ' said I, 'your face is fairly clean, but how did you get suchdirty hands?"

"'Washin' me face, ' said William. "

A woman in one of the factory towns of Massachusetts recently agreed totake charge of a little girl while her mother, a seamstress, went toanother town for a day's work. 

The woman with whom the child had been left endeavored to keep hercontented, and among other things gave her a candy dog, with which sheplayed happily all day. 

At night the dog had disappeared, and the woman inquired whether it hadbeen lost. 

"No, it ain't lost, " answered the little girl. "I kept it 'most all day, but it got so dirty that I was ashamed to look at it; so I etit. "--_Fenimore Martin_. 

"How old are you?" once asked Whistler of a London newsboy. "Seven, " wasthe reply. Whistler insisted that he must be older than that, andturning to his friend he remarked: "I don't think he could get as dirtyas that in seven years, do you?"

If dirt was trumps, what hands you would hold!--_Charles Lamb_. 

CLERGY

"Now, children, " said the visiting minister who had been asked toquestion the Sunday-school, "with what did Samson arm himself to fightagainst the Philistines?"

None of the children could tell him. 

"Oh, yes, you know!" he said, and to help them he tapped his jaw withone finger. "What is this?" he asked. 

This jogged their memories, and the class cried in chorus: "The jawboneof an ass. "

All work and no plagiarism makes a dull parson. 

Bishop Doane of Albany was at one time rector of an Episcopal church inHartford, and Mark Twain, who occasionally attended his services, playeda joke upon him, one Sunday. 

"Dr. Doane, " he said at the end of the service, "I enjoyed your sermonthis morning. I welcomed it like on old friend. I have, you know, a bookat home containing every word of it. "

"You have not, " said Dr. Doane. 

"I have so. "

"Well, send that book to me. I'd like to see it. "

"I'll send it, " the humorist replied. Next morning he sent an unabridgeddictionary to the rector. 

The four-year-old daughter of a clergyman was ailing one night and wasput to bed early. As her mother was about to leave her she called herback. 

"Mamma, " she said, "I want to see my papa. "

"No, dear, " her mother replied, "your papa is busy and must not bedisturbed. "

"But, mamma, " the child persisted, "I want to see my papa. "

As before, the mother replied: "No, your papa must not be disturbed. "

But the little one came back with a clincher:

"Mamma, " she declared solemnly, "I am a sick woman, and I want to see myminister. "

PROFESSOR--"Now, Mr. Jones, assuming you were called to attend a patientwho had swallowed a coin, what would be your method of procedure?"

YOUNG MEDICO--"I'd send for a preacher, sir. They'll get money out ofanyone. "

Archbishop Ryan was once accosted on the streets of Baltimore by a manwho knew the archbishop's face, but could not quite place it. 

"Now, where in hell have I seen you?" he asked perplexedly. 

"From where in hell do you come, sir?"

A Duluth pastor makes it a point to welcome any strangers cordially, andone evening, after the completion of the service, he hurried down theaisle to station himself at the door. 

He noticed a Swedish girl, evidently a servant, so he welcomed her tothe church, and expressed the hope that she would be a regularattendant. Finally he said if she would be at home some evening duringthe week he would call. 

"T'ank you, " she murmured bashfully, "but ay have a fella. "

A minister of a fashionable church in Newark had always left thegreeting of strangers to be attended to by the ushers, until he read thenewspaper articles in reference to the matter. 

"Suppose a reporter should visit our church?" said his wife. 

"Wouldn't it be awful?"

"It would, " the minister admitted. 

The following Sunday evening he noticed a plainly dressed woman in oneof the free pews. She sat alone and was clearly not a member of theflock. After the benediction the minister hastened and intercepted herat the door. 

"How do you do?" he said, offering his hand, "I am very glad to have youwith us. "

"Thank you, " replied the young woman. 

"I hope we may see you often in our church home, " he went on. "We arealways glad to welcome new faces. "

"Yes, sir. "

"Do you live in this parish?" he asked. 

The girl looked blank. 

"If you will give me your address my wife and I will call on you someevening. "

"You wouldn't need to go far, sir, " said the young woman, "I'm yourcook!"

Bishop Goodsell, of the Methodist Episcopal church, weighs over twohundred pounds. It was with mingled emotions, therefore that he read thefollowing in _Zion's Herald_ some time ago:

"The announcement that our New England bishop, Daniel A. Goodsell, haspromised to preach at the Willimantic camp meeting, will give greatpleasure to the hosts of Israel who are looking forward to that feast offat things. "

It is a standing rule of a company whose boats ply the Great Lakes thatclergymen and Indians may travel on its boats for half-fare. A shorttime ago an agent of the company was approached by an Indian preacherfrom Canada, who asked for free transportation on the ground that he wasentitled to one-half rebate because he was an Indian, and the other halfbecause he was a clergyman. --_Elgin Burroughs_. 

Booker Washington, as all the world knows, believes that the salvationof his race lies in industry. Thus, if a young man wants to be aclergyman, he will meet with but little encouragement from the head ofTuskegee; but if he wants to be a blacksmith or a bricklayer, hiswelcome is warm and hearty. 

Dr. Washington, in a recent address in Chicago, said:

"The world is overfull of preachers and when an aspirant for the pulpitcomes to me, I am inclined to tell him about the old uncle working inthe cotton field who said:

"'De cotton am so grassy, de work am so hard, and de sun am so hot, Ah'clare to goodness Ah believe dis darkey am called to preach. '"

On one occasion the minister delivered a sermon of but ten minutes'duration--a most unusual thing for him. 

Upon the conclusion of his remarks he added: "I regret to inform you, brethren, that my dog, who appears to be peculiarly fond of paper, thismorning ate that portion of my sermon that I have not delivered. Let uspray. "

After the service the clergyman was met at the door by a man who as arule, attended divine service in another parish. Shaking the good man bythe hand he said:

"Doctor, I should like to know whether that dog of yours has any pups. If so I want to get one to give to my minister. "

Recipe for a parson:

 To a cupful of negative goodness Add the pleasure of giving advice. Sift in a peck of dry sermons, And flavor with brimstone or ice. 

 --_Life_. 

A pompous Bishop of Oxford was once stopped on a London street by aragged urchin. 

"Well, my little man, and what can I do for you?" inquired thechurchman. 

"The time o' day, please, your lordship. "

With considerable difficulty the portly bishop extracted his timepiece. 

"It is exactly half past five, my lad. "

"Well, " said the boy, setting his feet for a good start, "at 'alf pastsix you go to 'ell!"--and he was off like a flash and around thecorner. The bishop, flushed and furious, his watch dangling from itschain, floundered wildly after him. But as he rounded the corner he ranplump into the outstretched arms of the venerable Bishop of London. 

"Oxford, Oxford, " remonstrated that surprised dignitary, "why thisunseemly haste?"

Puffing, blowing, spluttering, the outraged Bishop gasped out:

"That young ragamuffin--I told him it was half past five--he--er--toldme to go to hell at half past six. "

"Yes, yes, " said the Bishop of London with the suspicion of a twinkle inhis kindly old eyes, "but why such haste? You've got almost an hour. "

 Skilful alike with tongue and pen, He preached to all men everywhere The Gospel of the Golden Rule, The New Commandment given to men, Thinking the deed, and not the creed, Would help us in our utmost need. 

 --_Longfellow_. 

_See also_ Burglars; Contribution box; Preaching; Resignation. 

CLIMATE

In a certain town the local forecaster of the weather was so often wrongthat his predictions became a standing joke, to his no small annoyance, for he was very sensitive. At length, in despair of living down hisreputation, he asked headquarters to transfer him to another station. 

A brief correspondance ensued. 

"Why, " asked headquarters, "do you wish to be transferred?"

"Because, " the forecaster promptly replied, "the climate doesn't agreewith me. "

CLOTHING

One morning as Mark Twain returned from a neighborhood morning call, sans necktie, his wife met him at the door with the exclamation: "There, Sam, you have been over to the Stowes's again without a necktie! It'sreally disgraceful the way you neglect your dress!"

Her husband said nothing, but went up to his room. 

A few minutes later his neighbor--Mrs. S. --was summoned to the door by amessenger, who presented her with a small box neatly done up. She openedit and found a black silk necktie, accompanied by the following note:"Here is a necktie. Take it out and look at it. I think I stayed half anhour this morning. At the end of that time will you kindly return it, asit is the only one I have?--Mark Twain. "

A man whose trousers bagged badly at the knees was standing on a cornerwaiting for a car. A passing Irishman stopped and watched him with greatinterest for two or three minutes; at last he said:

"Well, why don't ye jump?"

"The evening wore on, " continued the man who was telling the story. 

"Excuse me, " interrupted the would-be-wit; "but can you tell us what theevening wore on that occasion?"

"I don't know that it is important, " replied the story-teller. "But ifyou must know, I believe it was the close of a summer day. "

"See that measuring worm crawling up my skirt!" cried Mrs. Bjenks. "That's a sign I'm going to have a new dress. "

"Well, let him make it for you, " growled Mr. Bjenks. "And while he'sabout it, have him send a hookworm to do you up the back. I'm tired ofthe job. "

 Dwellers in huts and in marble halls-- From Shepherdess up to Queen-- Cared little for bonnets, and less for shawls, And nothing for crinoline. But now simplicity's _not_ the rage, And it's funny to think how cold The dress they wore in the Golden Age Would seem in the Age of Gold. 

 --_Henry S. Leigh_. 

 Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy, But not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy; For the apparel oft proclaims the man. 

 --_Shakespeare_. 

CLUBS

Belle and Ben had just announced their engagement. 

"When we are married, " said Belle, "I shall expect you to shave everymorning. It's one of the rules of the club I belong to that none of itsmembers shall marry a man who won't shave every morning. "

"Oh, that's all right, " replied Ben; "but what about the mornings Idon't get home in time? I belong to a club, too. "--_M. A. Hitchcock_. 

The guest landing at the yacht club float with his host, both of themwearing oilskins and sou'-westers to protect them from the drenchingrain, inquired:

"And who are those gentlemen seated on the veranda, looking so spick andspan in their white duck yachting caps and trousers, and keeping thewaiters running all the time?"

"They're the rocking-chair members. They never go outside, and they'rewaterproof inside. "

One afternoon thirty ladies met at the home of Mrs. Lyons to form awoman's club. The hostess was unanimously elected president. The nextday the following ad appeared in the newspaper:

"Wanted--a reliable woman to take care of a baby. Apply to Mrs. J. W. Lyons. "

COAL DEALERS

In a Kansas town where two brothers are engaged in the retail coalbusiness a revival was recently held and the elder of the brothers wasconverted. For weeks he tried to persuade his brother to join thechurch. One day he asked:

"Why can't you join the church like I did?"

"It's a fine thing for you to belong to the church, " replied the youngerbrother, "If I join the church who'll weigh the coal?"

COEDUCATION

The speaker was waxing eloquent, and after his peroration on woman'srights he said: "When they take our girls, as they threaten, away fromthe coeducational colleges, what will follow? What will follow, Irepeat?"

And a loud, masculine voice in the audience replied: "I will!"

COFFEE

Among the coffee-drinkers a high place must be given to Bismarck. Heliked coffee unadulterated. While with the Prussian Army in France heone day entered a country inn and asked the host if he had any chicoryin the house. He had. Bismarck said--"Well, bring it to me; all youhave. " The man obeyed and handed Bismarck a canister full of chicory. "Are you sure this is all you have?" demanded the Chancellor. "Yes, mylord, every grain. " "Then, " said Bismarck, keeping the canister by him, "go now and make me a pot of coffee. "

COINS

He had just returned from Paris and said to his old aunt in the country:"Here, Aunt, is a silver franc piece I brought you from Paris as asouvenir. "

"Thanks, Herman, " said the old lady. "I wish you'd thought to havebrought me home one of them Latin quarters I read so much about. "

COLLECTING OF ACCOUNTS

An enterprising firm advertised: "All persons indebted to our store arerequested to call and settle. All those indebted to our store and notknowing it are requested to call and find out. Those knowing themselvesindebted and not wishing to call, are requested to stay in one placelong enough for us to catch them. "

"Sir, " said the haughty American to his adhesive tailor, "I object tothis boorish dunning. I would have you know that my great-great-grandfatherwas one of the early settlers. "

"And yet, " sighed the anxious tradesman, "there are people who believein heredity. "

A retail dealer in buggies doing business in one of the large towns innorthern Indiana wrote to a firm in the east ordering a carload ofbuggies. The firm wired him:

"Cannot ship buggies until you pay for your last consignment. "

"Unable to wait so long, " wired back the buggy dealer, "cancel order. "

 The saddest words of tongue or pen May be perhaps, "It might have been, " The sweetest words we know, by heck, Are only these "Enclosed find check!"

 --_Minne-Ha-Ha_. 

COLLECTORS AND COLLECTING

Sir Walter Raleigh had called to take a cup of tea with Queen Elizabeth. 

"It was very good of you, Sir Walter, " said her Majesty, smiling sweetlyupon the gallant Knight, "to ruin your cloak the other day so that myfeet should not be wet by that horrid puddle. May I not instruct my LordHigh Treasurer to reimburse you for it?"

"Don't mention it, your Majesty, " replied Raleigh. "It only cost two andsix, and I have already sold it to an American collector for eightthousand pounds. "

COLLEGE GRADUATES

"Can't I take your order for one of our encyclopedias!" asked the dapperagent. 

"No I guess not, " said the busy man. "I might be able to use it a fewtimes, but my son will be home from college in June. "

COLLEGE STUDENTS

"Say, dad, remember that story you told me about when you were expelledfrom college?"

"Yes. "

"Well, I was just thinking, dad, how true it is that history repeatsitself. "

WANTED: Burly beauty-proof individual to read meters in sorority houses. We haven't made a nickel in two years. The Gas Co. --_MichiganGargoyle_. 

FRESHMAN--"I have a sliver in my finger. "

SOP--"Been scratching your head?"

STUDE--"Do you smoke, professor?"

PROF. --"Why, yes, I'm very fond of a good cigar. "

STUDE--"Do you drink, sir?"

PROF. --"Yes, indeed, I enjoy nothing better than a bottle of wine. "

STUDE--"Gee, it's going to cost me something to pass thiscourse. "--_Cornell Widow_. 

Three boys from Yale, Princeton and Harvard were in a room when a ladyentered. The Yale boy asked languidly if some fellow ought not to give achair to the lady; the Princeton boy slowly brought one, and the Harvardboy deliberately sat down in it. --_Life_. 

A college professor was one day nearing the close of a history lectureand was indulging in one of those rhetorical climaxes in which hedelighted when the hour struck. The students immediately began to slamdown the movable arms of their lecture chairs and to prepare to leave. 

The professor, annoyed at the interruption of his flow of eloquence, held up his hand:

"Wait just one minute, gentlemen. I have a few more pearls to cast. "

When Rutherford B. Hayes was a student at college it was his custom totake a walk before breakfast. 

One morning two of his student friends went with him. After walking ashort distance they met an old man with a long white beard. Thinkingthat they would have a little fun at the old man's expense, the firstone bowed to him very gracefully and said: "Good morning, FatherAbraham. "

The next one made a low bow and said: "Good morning, Father Isaac. "

Young Hayes then made his bow and said: "Good morning Father Jacob. "

The old man looked at them a moment and then said: "Young men, I amneither Abraham, Isaac nor Jacob. I am Saul, the son of Kish, and I amout looking for my father's asses, and lo, I have found them. "

A western college boy amused himself by writing stories and giving themto papers for nothing. His father objected and wrote to the boy that hewas wasting his time. In answer the college lad wrote:

"So, dad, you think I am wasting my time in writing for the local papersand cite Johnson's saying that the man who writes, except for money, isa fool. I shall act upon Doctor Johnson's suggestion and write formoney. Send me fifty dollars. "

The president of an eastern university had just announced in chapel thatthe freshman class was the largest enrolled in the history of theinstitution. Immediately he followed the announcement by reading thetext for the morning: "Lord, how are they increased that trouble me!"

STUDE. --"Is it possible to confide a secret to you?"

FRIEND--"Certainly. I will be as silent as the grave. "

STUDE--"Well, then, I have a pressing need for two bucks. "

FRIEND--"Do not worry. It is as if I had heard nothing. " --_-MichiganGargoyle_. 

"Why did you come to college, anyway? You are not studying, " said theProfessor. 

"Well, " said Willie, "I don't know exactly myself. Mother says it is tofit me for the Presidency; Uncle Bill, to sow my wild oats; Sis, to geta chum for her to marry, and Pa, to bankrupt the family. "

A young Irishman at college in want of twenty-five dollars wrote to hisuncle as follows:

 "Dear Uncle. --If you could see how I blush for shame while I am writing, you would pity me. Do you know why? Because I have to ask you for a few dollars, and do not know how to express myself. It is impossible for me to tell you. I prefer to die. I send you this by messenger, who will wait for an answer. Believe me, my dearest uncle, your most obedient and affectionate nephew. 

 "P. S. --Overcome with shame for what I have written, I have been running after the messenger in order to take the letter from him, but I cannot catch him. Heaven grant that something may happen to stop him, or that this letter may get lost. "

The uncle was naturally touched, but was equal to the emergency. Hereplied as follows:

 "My Dear Jack--Console yourself and blush no more. Providence has heard your prayers. The messenger lost your letter. Your affectionate uncle. "

The professor was delivering the final lecture of the term. He dweltwith much emphasis on the fact that each student should devote all theintervening time preparing for the final examinations. 

"The examination papers are now in the hands of the printer. Are thereany questions to be asked?"

Silence prevailed. Suddenly a voice from the rear inquired:

"Who's the printer?"

It was Commencement Day at a well-known woman's college, and the fatherof one of the young women came to attend the graduation exercises. Hewas presented to the president, who said, "I congratulate you, sir, uponyour extremely large and affectionate family. "

"Large and affectionate?" he stammered and looking very much surprised. 

"Yes, indeed, " said the president. "No less than twelve of yourdaughter's brothers have called frequently during the winter to take herdriving and sleighing, while your eldest son escorted her to the theaterat least twice a week. Unusually nice brothers they are. "

The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars, nor itsgreat scholars great men. --_O. W. Holmes_. 

_See also_ Harvard university; Scholarship. 

COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES

 The college is a coy maid-- She has a habit quaint Of making eyes at millionaires And winking at the taint. 

 --_Judge_. 

"What is a 'faculty'?"

"A 'faculty' is a body of men surrounded by red tape. "--_Cornell Widow_. 

Yale University is to have a ton of fossils. Whether for the faculty orfor the museums is not announced. --_The Atlanta Journal_. 

FIRST TRUSTEE--"But this ancient institution of learning will failunless something is done. "

SECOND TRUSTEE--"True; but what can we do? We have already raised thetuition until it is almost 1 per cent of the fraternity fees. "--_Puck_. 

The president of the university had dark circles under his eyes. Hischeek was pallid; his lips were trembling; he wore a hunted expression. 

"You look ill, " said his wife. "What is wrong, dear?"

"Nothing much, " he replied. "But--I--I had a fearful dream last night, and I feel this morning as if I--as if I--" It was evident that hisnervous system was shattered. 

"What was the dream?" asked his wife. 

"I--I--dreamed the trustees required that--that I should--that I shouldpass the freshman examination for--admission!" sighed the president. 

COMMON SENSE

A mysterious building had been erected on the outskirts of a small town. It was shrouded in mystery. All that was known about it was that it wasa chemical laboratory. An old farmer, driving past the place after workhad been started, and seeing a man in the doorway, called to him:

"What be ye doin' in this place?"

"We are searching for a universal solvent--something that will dissolveall things, " said the chemist. 

"What good will thet be?"

"Imagine, sir! It will dissolve all things. If we want a solution ofiron, glass, gold--anything, all that we have to do is to drop it inthis solution. "

"Fine, " said the farmer, "fine! What be ye goin' to keep it in?"

COMMUTERS

BRIGGS--"Is it true that you have broken off your engagement to thatgirl who lives in the suburbs?"

GRIGGS--"Yes; they raised the commutation rates on me and I havetransferred to a town girl. "

"I see you carrying home a new kind of breakfast food, " remarked thefirst commuter. 

"Yes, " said the second commuter, "I was missing too many trains. The oldbrand required three seconds to prepare. You can fix this new brand in asecond and a half. "

After the sermon on Sunday morning the rector welcomed and shook handswith a young German. 

"And are you a regular communicant?" said the rector. "Yes, " said theGerman: "I take the 7:45 every morning. "--_M. L. Hayward_. 

A suburban train was slowly working its way through one of the blizzardsof 1894. Finally it came to a dead stop and all efforts to start itagain were futile. 

In the wee, small hours of the morning a weary commuter, numb from thecold and the cramped position in which he had tried to sleep, crawledout of the train and floundered through the heavy snow-drifts to thenearest telegraph station. This is the message he handed to theoperator:

"Will not be at office to-day. Not home yesterday yet. "

A nervous commuter on his dark, lonely way home from the railroadstation heard footsteps behind him. He had an uncomfortable feeling thathe was being followed. He increased his speed. The footsteps quickenedaccordingly. The commuter darted down a lane. The footsteps stillpursued him. In desperation he vaulted over a fence and, rushing into achurchyard, threw himself panting on one of the graves. 

"If he follows me here, " he thought fearfully, "there can be no doubt asto his intentions. "

The man behind was following. He could hear him scrambling over thefence. Visions of highwaymen, maniacs, garroters and the like flashedthrough his brain. Quivering with fear, the nervous one arose and facedhis pursuer. 

"What do you want?" he demanded. "Wh-why are you following me?"

"Say, " asked the stranger, mopping his brow, "do you always go home likethis? I'm going up to Mr. Brown's and the man at the station told me tofollow you, as you lived next door. Excuse my asking you, but is theremuch more to do before we get there?"

COMPARISONS

A milliner endeavored to sell to a colored woman one of the lastseason's hats at a very moderate price. It was a big white picture-hat. 

"Law, no, honey!" exclaimed the woman. "I could nevah wear that. I'dlook jes' like a blueberry in a pan of milk. "

A well-known author tells of an English spinster who said, as shewatched a great actress writhing about the floor as Cleopatra:

"How different from the home life of our late dear queen!"

"Darling, " whispered the ardent suitor, "I lay my fortune at your feet. "

"Your fortune?" she replied in surprise. "I didn't know you had one. "

"Well, it isn't much of a fortune, but it will look large besides thosetiny feet. "

"Girls make me tired, " said the fresh young man. "They are always goingto palmists to have their hands read. "

"Indeed!" said she sweetly; "is that any worse than men going intosaloons to get their noses red?"

A friend once wrote Mark Twain a letter saying that he was in very badhealth, and concluding: "Is there anything worse than having toothacheand earache at the same time?"

The humorist wrote back: "Yes, rheumatism and Saint Vitus's dance. "

The Rev. Dr. William Emerson, of Boston, son of Ralph Waldo Emerson, recently made a trip through the South, and one Sunday attended ameeting in a colored church. The preacher was a white man, however, awhite man whose first name was George, and evidently a prime favoritewith the colored brethren. When the service was over Dr. Emerson walkedhome behind two members of the congregation, and overheard thisconversation: "Massa George am a mos' pow'ful preacher. " "He am dat. ""He's mos's pow'ful as Abraham Lincoln. " "Huh! He's mo' pow'ful danLincoln. " "He's mos' 's pow'ful as George Washin'ton. " "Huh! He's mo'pow'ful dan Washin'ton. " "Massa George ain't quite as pow'ful as God. ""N-n-o, not quite. But he's a young man yet. "

Is it possible your pragmatical worship should not know that thecomparisons made between wit and wit, courage and courage, beauty andbeauty, birth and birth, are always odious and ill taken?--_Cervantes_. 

COMPENSATION

"Speakin' of de law of compensation, " said Uncle Eben, "an automobilegoes faster dan a mule, but at de same time it hits harder and balkslonger. "

COMPETITION

A new baby arrived at a house. A little girl--now fifteen--had been thepet of the family. Every one made much of her, but when there was a newbaby she felt rather neglected. 

"How are you, Mary?" a visitor asked of her one afternoon. 

"Oh, I'm all right, " she said, "except that I think there is too muchcompetition in this world. "

A farmer during a long-continued drought invented a machine for wateringhis fields. The very first day while he was trying it there suddenlycame a downpour of rain. He put away his machine. 

"It's no use, " he said; "you can do nothing nowadays withoutcompetition. "

COMPLIMENTS

Supper was in progress, and the father was telling about a row whichtook place in front of his store that morning: "The first thing I sawwas one man deal the other a sounding blow, and then a crowd gathered. The man who was struck ran and grabbed a large shovel he had been usingon the street, and rushed back, his eyes blazing fiercely. I thoughthe'd surely knock the other man's brains out, and I stepped right inbetween them. "

The young son of the family had become so hugely interested in thenarrative as it proceeded that he had stopped eating his pudding. Soproud was he of his father's valor, his eyes fairly shone, and he cried:

"He couldn't knock any brains out of you, could he, Father?"

Father looked at him long and earnestly, but the lad's countenance wasfrank and open. 

Father gasped slightly, and resumed his supper. 

_See also_ Tact. 

COMPOSERS

Recipe for the musical comedy composer:

 Librettos of all of the operas, Some shears and a bottle of paste, Curry the hits of last season, Add tumpty-tee tra la to taste. 

 --_Life_. 

COMPROMISES

Boss--"There's $10 gone from my cash drawer, Johnny; you and I were theonly people who had keys to that drawer. "

Office Boy--"Well, s'pose we each pay $5 and say no more about it. "

CONFESSIONS

"You say Garston made a complete confession? What did he get--fiveyears?"

"No, fifty dollars. He confessed to the magazines. "--_Puck_. 

Little Ethel had been brought up with a firm hand and was always taughtto report misdeeds promptly. One afternoon she came sobbing penitentlyto her mother. 

"Mother, I--I broke a brick in the fireplace. "

"Well, it might be worse. But how on earth did you do it, Ethel?"

"I pounded it with your watch. "

"Confession is good for the soul. "

"Yes, but it's bad for the reputation. "

CONGRESS

Congress is a national inquisitorial body for the purpose of acquiringvaluable information and then doing nothing about it. --_Life_. 

"Judging from the stuff printed in the newspapers, " says a congressman, "we are a pretty bad lot. Almost in the class a certain miss whom I knowunconsciously puts us in. It was at a recent examination at her schoolthat the question was put, 'Who makes the laws of our government?'

"'Congress, ' was the united reply. 

"'How is Congress divided?' was the next query. 

"My young friend raised her hand. 

"'Well, ' said the teacher, 'what do you say the answer is?'

"Instantly, with an air of confidence as well as triumph, the Missreplied, 'Civilized, half civilized, and savage. '"

CONGRESSMEN

It was at a banquet in Washington given to a large body of congressmen, mostly from the rural districts. The tables were elegant, and it was ascene of fairy splendor; but on one table there were no decorations butpalm leaves. 

"Here, " said a congressman to the head waiter, "why don't you put themthings on our table too?" pointing to the plants. 

The head waiter didn't know he was a congressman. 

"We cain't do it, boss, " he whispered confidentially; "dey's mostlycongressmen at 'dis table, an' if we put pa'ms on de table dey take umfor celery an' eat um all up sho. 'Deed dey would, boss. We knows 'em. "

Representative X, from North Carolina, was one night awakened by hiswife, who whispered, "John, John, get up! There are robbers in thehouse. "

"Robbers?" he said. "There may be robbers in the Senate, Mary; but notin the House! It's preposterous!"--_John N. Cole, Jr_. 

Champ Clark loves to tell of how in the heat of a debate CongressmanJohnson of Indiana called an Illinois representative a jackass. Theexpression was unparliamentary, and in retraction Johnson said:

"While I withdraw the unfortunate word, Mr. Speaker, I must insist thatthe gentleman from Illinois is out of order. "

"How am I out of order?" yelled the man from Illinois. 

"Probably a veterinary surgeon could tell you, " answered Johnson, andthat was parliamentary enough to stay on the record. 

A Georgia Congressman had put up at an American-plan hotel in New York. When, upon sitting down at dinner the first evening of his stay, thewaiter obsequiously handed him a bill of fare, the Congressman tossed itaside, slipped the waiter a dollar bill, and said, "Bring me a gooddinner. "

The dinner proving satisfactory, the Southern member pursued this planduring his entire stay in New York. As the last tip was given, hementioned that he was about to return to Washington. 

Whereupon, the waiter, with an expression of great earnestness, said:

"Well, sir, when you or any of your friends that can't read come to NewYork, just ask for Dick. "

CONSCIENCE

The moral of this story may be that it is better to heed the warnings ofthe "still small voice" before it is driven to the use of the telephone. 

A New York lawyer, gazing idly out of his window, saw a sight in anoffice across the street that made him rub his eyes and look again. Yes, there was no doubt about it. The pretty stenographer was sitting uponthe gentleman's lap. The lawyer noticed the name that was lettered onthe window and then searched in the telephone book. Still keeping hiseye upon the scene across the street, he called the gentleman up. In afew moments he saw him start violently and take down the receiver. 

"Yes, " said the lawyer through the telephone, "I should think you wouldstart. "

The victim whisked his arm from its former position and began to stammersomething. 

"Yes, " continued the lawyer severely, "I think you'd better take thatarm away. And while you're about it, as long as there seems to be plentyof chairs in the room--"

The victim brushed the lady from his lap, rather roughly, it is to befeared. "Who--who the devil is this, anyhow?" he managed to splutter. 

"I, " answered the lawyer in deep, impressive tones, "am yourconscience!"

 A quiet conscience makes one so serene! Christians have burnt each other, quite persuaded That all the Apostles would have done as they did. 

 --_Byron_. 

 Oh, Conscience! Conscience! man's most faithful friend, Him canst thou comfort, ease, relieve, defend; But if he will thy friendly checks forego, Thou art, oh! woe for me his deadliest foe!

 --_Crabbe_. 

CONSEQUENCES

A teacher asked her class in spelling to state the difference betweenthe words "results" and "consequences. "

A bright girl replied, "Results are what you expect, and consequencesare what you get. "

Consequences are unpitying. Our deeds carry their terrible consequences, quite apart from any fluctuations that went before--consequences thatare hardly ever confined to ourselves. --_George Eliot_. 

CONSIDERATION

The goose had been carved at the Christmas dinner and everybody hadtasted it. It was excellent. The negro minister, who was the guest ofhonor, could not restrain his enthusiasm. 

"Dat's as fine a goose as I evah see, Bruddah Williams, " he said to hishost. "Whar did you git such a fine goose?"

"Well, now, Pahson, " replied the carver of the goose, exhibiting greatdignity and reticence, "when you preaches a speshul good sermon I neveraxes you whar you got it. I hopes you will show me de sameconsiderashion. "

A clergyman, who was summoned in haste by a woman who had been takensuddenly ill, answered the call though somewhat puzzled by it, for heknew that she was not of his parish, and was, moreover, known to be adevoted worker in another church. While he was waiting to be shown tothe sick-room he fell to talking to the little girl of the house. 

"It is very gratifying to know that your mother thought of me in herillness, " said he, "Is your minister out of town?"

"Oh, no, " answered the child, in a matter-of-fact tone. "He's home; onlywe thought it might be something contagious, and we didn't want to takeany risks. "

CONSTANCY

A soldier belonging to a brigade in command of a General who believed ina celibate army asked permission to marry, as he had two good-conductbadges and money in the savings-bank. 

"Well, go-away, " said the General, "and if you come back to me a yearfrom today in the same frame of mind you shall marry. I'll keep thevacancy. "

On the anniversary the soldier repeated his request. 

"But do you really, after a year, want to marry?" inquired the Generalin a surprised tone. 

"Yes, sir; very much. "

"Sergeant-Major, take his name down. Yes, you may marry. I neverbelieved there was so much constancy in man or woman. Right face; quickmarch!"

As the man left the room, turning his head, he said, "Thank you, sir;but it isn't the same woman. "

CONTRIBUTION BOX

 The parson looks it o'er and frets. It puts him out of sorts To see how many times he gets A penny for his thoughts. 

 --_J. J. O'Connell_. 

There were introductions all around. The big man stared in a puzzled wayat the club guest. "You look like a man I've seen somewhere, Mr. Blinker, " he said. "Your face seems familiar. I fancy you have a double. And a funny thing about it is that I remember I formed a strongprejudice against the man who looks like you--although, I'm quite sure, we never met. "

The little guest softly laughed. "I'm the man, " he answered, "and I knowwhy you formed the prejudice. I passed the contribution plate for twoyears in the church you attended. "

The collections had fallen off badly in the colored church and thepastor made a short address before the box was passed. 

"I don' want any man to gib mo' dan his share, bredern, " he said gently, "but we mus' all gib ercordin' to what we rightly hab. I say 'rightlyhab, " bredern, because we don't want no tainted money in dis box. 'Squire Jones tol' me dat he done miss some chickens dis week. Now ifany of our bredern hab fallen by de wayside in connection wif dosechickens let him stay his hand from de box. 

"Now, Deacon Smiff, please pass de box while I watch de signs an' see ifdere's any one in dis congregation dat needs me ter wrastle in prayerfer him. "

A newly appointed Scotch minister on his first Sunday of office hadreason to complain of the poorness of the collection. "Mon, " replied oneof the elders, "they are close--vera close. "

"But, " confidentially, "the auld meenister he put three or foursaxpenses into the plate hissel', just to gie them a start. Of course hetook the saxpenses awa' with him afterward. " The new minister tried thesame plan, but the next Sunday he again had to report a dismal failure. The total collection was not only small, but he was grieved to find thathis own sixpences were missing. "Ye may be a better preacher than theauld meenister, " exclaimed the elder, "but if ye had half the knowledgeo' the world, an' o' yer ain flock in particular, ye'd ha' done what hedid an' glued the saxpenses to the plate. "

POLICE COMMISSIONER--"If you were ordered to disperse a mob, what wouldyou do?"

APPLICANT--"Pass around the hat, sir. "

POLICE COMMISSIONER--"That'll do; you're engaged. "

"I advertized that the poor were made welcome in this church, " said thevicar to his congregation, "and as the offertory amounts to ninety-fivecents, I see that they have come. "

_See also_ Salvation. 

CONUNDRUMS

"Mose, what is the difference between a bucket of milk in a rain stormand a conversation between two confidence men?"

"Say, boss, dat nut am too hard to crack; I'se gwine to give it up. "

"Well, Mose, one is a thinning scheme and the other is a skinningtheme. "

CONVERSATION

"My dog understands every word I say. "

"Um. "

"Do you doubt it?"

"No, I do not doubt the brute's intelligence. The scant attention hebestows upon your conversation would indicate that he understands itperfectly. "

THE TALL AND AGGRESSIVE ONE--"Excuse me, but I'm in a hurry! You've hadthat phone twenty minutes and not said a word!"

THE SHORT AND MEEK ONE--"Sir, I'm talking to my wife. "--_Puck_. 

HUS (during a quarrel)--"You talk like an idiot. "

WIFE--"I've got to talk so you can understand me. "

Irving Bacheller, it appears, was on a tramping tour through NewEngland. He discovered a chin-bearded patriarch on a roadside rock. 

"Fine corn, " said Mr. Bacheller, tentatively, using a hillside filledwith straggling stalks as a means of breaking the conversational ice. 

"Best in Massachusetts, " said the sitter. 

"How do you plow that field?" asked Mr. Bacheller. "It is so verysteep. "

"Don't plow it, " said the sitter. "When the spring thaws come, the rocksrolling down hill tear it up so that we can plant corn. "

"And how do you plant it?" asked Mr. Bacheller. The sitter said that hedidn't plant it, really. He stood in his back door and shot the seed inwith a shotgun. 

"Is that the truth?" asked Bacheller. 

"H--ll no, " said the sitter, disgusted. "That's conversation. "

Conversation is the laboratory and workshop of the student. --_Emerson_. 

A single conversation across the table with a wise man is better thanten years' study of books. --_Longfellow_. 

COOKERY

"John, John, " whispered an alarmed wife, poking her sleeping husband inthe ribs. "Wake up, John; there are burglars in the pantry and they'reeating all my pies. "

"Well, what do we care, " mumbled John, rolling over, "so long as theydon't die in the house?"

"This is certainly a modern cook-book in every way. "

"How so?"

"It says: 'After mixing your bread, you can watch two reels at themovies before putting it in the oven. '"--_Puck_. 

There was recently presented to a newly-married young woman in Baltimoresuch a unique domestic proposition that she felt called upon to seekexpert advice from another woman, whom she knew to possess considerableexperience in the cooking line. 

"Mrs. Jones, " said the first mentioned young woman, as she breathlesslyentered the apartment of the latter, "I'm sorry to trouble you, but Imust have your advice. "

"What is the trouble, my dear?"

"Why, I've just had a 'phone message from Harry, saying that he is goingout this afternoon to shoot clay pigeons. Now, he's bound to bring a lothome, and I haven't the remotest idea how to cook them. Won't you pleasetell me?"--_Taylor Edwards_. 

Heaven sends us good meat, but the devil sends us cooks. --_DavidGarrick_. 

COOKS

_See_ Servants. 

CORNETS

Spurgeon was once asked if the man who learned to play a cornet onSunday would go to heaven. 

The great preacher's reply was characteristic. Said he: "I don't see whyhe should not, but"--after a pause--"I doubt whether the man next doorwill. "

CORNS

Great aches from little toe-corns grow. 

CORPULENCE

The wife of a prominent Judge was making arrangements with the coloredlaundress of the village to take charge of their washing for the summer. Now, the Judge was pompous and extremely fat. He tipped the scales atsome three hundred pounds. 

"Missus, " said the woman, "I'll do your washing, but I'se gwine tercharge you double for your husband's shirts. "

"Why, what is your reason for that Nancy, " questioned the mistress. 

"Well, " said the laundress, "I don't mind washing fur an ordinary man, but I draws de line on circus tents, I sho' do. "

An employee of a rolling mill was on his vacation when he fell in lovewith a handsome German girl. Upon his return to the works, he went toMr. Carnegie and announced that as he wanted to get married he wouldlike a little further time off. Mr. Carnegie appeared much interested. "Tell me about her, " he said. "Is she short or is she tall, slender, willowy?"

"Well, Mr. Carnegie, " was the answer, "all I can say is that if I'd hadthe rolling of her, I should have given her two or three more passes. "

A very stout old lady, bustling through the park on a sweltering hotday, became aware that she was being closely followed by a rough-lookingtramp. 

"What do you mean by following me in this manner?" she indignantlydemanded. The tramp slunk back a little. But when the stout lady resumedher walk he again took up his position directly behind her. 

"See here, " she exclaimed, wheeling angrily, "if you don't go away atonce I shall call a policeman!"

The unfortunate man looked up at her appealingly. 

"For Heaven's sake, kind lady, have mercy an' don't call a policeman;ye're the only shady spot in the whole park. "

A jolly steamboat captain with more girth than height was asked if hehad ever had any very narrow escapes. 

"Yes, " he replied, his eyes twinkling; "once I fell off my boat at themouth of Bear Creek, and, although I'm an expert swimmer, I guess I'd bethere now if it hadn't been for my crew. You see the water was just deepenough so's to be over my head when I tried to wade out, and justshallow enough"--he gave his body an explanatory pat--"so that wheneverI tried to swim out I dragged bottom. "

A very large lady entered a street car and a young man near the doorrose and said: "I will be one of three to give the lady a seat. "

To our Fat Friends: May their shadows never grow less. 

_See also_ Dancing. 

COSMOPOLITANISM

Secretary of State Lazansky refused to incorporate the Hell Cafe of NewYork. 

"New York's cafes are singular enough, " said Mr. Lazansky, "without theaddition of such a queerly named institution as the Hell. "

He smiled and added:

"Is there anything quite so queerly cosmopolitan as a New York cafe? Inthe last one I visited, I saw a Portuguese, a German and an Italian, dressed in English clothes and seated at a table of Spanish walnut, lunching on Russian caviar, French rolls, Scotch salmon, Welsh rabbit, Swiss cheese, Dutch cake and Malaga raisins. They drank China tea andIrish whisky. "

COST OF LIVING

"Did you punish our son for throwing a lump of coal at Willie Smiggs?"asked the careful mother. 

"I did, " replied the busy father. "I don't care so much for the Smiggsboy, but I can't have anybody in this family throwing coal around likethat. "

"Live within your income, " was a maxim uttered by Mr. Carnegie on hisseventy-sixth birthday. This is easy; the difficulty is to live withoutit. --_Satire_. 

"You say your jewels were stolen while the family was at dinner?"

"No, no! This is an important robbery. Our dinner was stolen while wewere putting on our jewels. "

A grouchy butcher, who had watched the price of porterhouse steak climbthe ladder of fame, was deep in the throes of an unusually bad grouchwhen a would-be customer, eight years old, approached him and handed hima penny. 

"Please, mister, I want a cent's worth of sausage. "

Turning on the youngster with a growl, he let forth this burst of goodsalesmanship:

"Go smell o' the hook!"

TOM--"My pa is very religious. He always bows his head and sayssomething before meals. "

DICK--"Mine always says something when he sits down to eat, but he don'tbow his head. "

TOM--"What does he say?"

DICK--"Go easy on the butter, kids, it's forty cents a pound. "

COUNTRY LIFE

BILTER (at servants' agency)--"Have you got a cook who will go to thecountry?"

MANAGER (calling out to girls in next room)--"Is there any one here whowould like to spend a day in the country?"--_Life_. 

VISITOR--"You have a fine road leading from the station. "

SUBUBS--"That's the path worn by servant-girls. "

_See also_ Commuters; Servants. 

COURAGE

AUNT ETHEL--"Well, Beatrice, were you very brave at the dentist's?"

BEATRICE--"Yes, auntie, I was. "

AUNT ETHEL--"Then, there's the half crown I promised you. And now tellme what he did to you. "

BEATRICE--"He pulled out two of Willie's teeth!"--_Punch_. 

He was the small son of a bishop, and his mother was teaching him themeaning of courage. 

"Supposing, " she said, "there were twelve boys in one bedroom, andeleven got into bed at once, while the other knelt down to say hisprayers, that boy would show true courage. "

"Oh!" said the young hopeful. "I know something that would be morecourageous than that! Supposing there were twelve bishops in onebedroom, and one got into bed without saying his prayers!"

 Courage, the highest gift, that scorns to bend To mean devices for a sordid end. Courage--an independent spark from Heaven's bright throne, By which the soul stands raised, triumphant, high, alone. Great in itself, not praises of the crowd, Above all vice, it stoops not to be proud. Courage, the mighty attribute of powers above, By which those great in war, are great in love. The spring of all brave acts is seated here, As falsehoods draw their sordid birth from fear. 

 --_Farquhar_. 

COURTESY

The mayor of a French town had, in accordance with the regulations, tomake out a passport for a rich and highly respectable lady of hisacquaintance, who, in spite of a slight disfigurement, was very vain ofher personal appearance. His native politeness prompted him to glossover the defect, and, after a moment's reflection, he wrote among theitems of personal description: "Eyes dark, beautiful, tender, expressive, but one of them missing. "

Mrs. Taft, at a diplomatic dinner, had for a neighbor a distinguishedFrench traveler who boasted a little unduly of his nation's politeness. 

"We French, " the traveler declared, "are the politest people in theworld. Every one acknowledges it. You Americans are a remarkable nation, but the French excel you in politeness. You admit it yourself, don'tyou?"

Mrs. Taft smiled delicately. 

"Yes, " she said. "That is our politeness. "

Justice Moody was once riding on the platform of a Boston street carstanding next to the gate that protected passengers from cars coming onthe other track. A Boston lady came to the door of the car and, as itstopped, started toward the gate, which was hidden from her by the manstanding before it. 

"Other side, lady, " said the conductor. 

He was ignored as only a born-and-bred Bostonian can ignore a man. Thelady took another step toward the gate. 

"You must get off the other side, " said the conductor. 

"I wish to get off on this side, " came the answer, in tones thatcongealed that official. Before he could explain or expostulate Mr. Moody came to his assistance. 

"Stand to one side, gentlemen, " he remarked quietly. "The lady wishes toclimb over the gate. "

COURTS

One day when old Thaddeus Stevens was practicing in the courts he didn'tlike the ruling of the presiding Judge. A second time when the Judgeruled against "old Thad, " the old man got up with scarlet face andquivering lips and commenced tying up his papers as if to quit thecourtroom. 

"Do I understand, Mr. Stevens, " asked the Judge, eying "old Thad"indignantly, "that you wish to show your contempt for this court?"

"No, sir; no, sir, " replied "old Thad. " "I don't want to show mycontempt, sir; I'm trying to conceal it. "

"It's all right to fine me, Judge, " laughed Barrowdale, after theproceedings were over, "but just the same you were ahead of me in yourcar, and if I was guilty you were too. "

"Ya'as, I know, " said the judge with a chuckle, "I found myself guiltyand hev jest paid my fine into the treasury same ez you. "

"Bully for you!" said Barrowdale. "By the way, do you put these finesback into the roads?"

"No, " said the judge. "They go to the trial jestice in loo o' sal'ry. "

A stranger came into an Augusta bank the other day and presented a checkfor which he wanted the equivalent in cash. 

"Have to be identified, " said the clerk. 

The stranger took a bunch of letters from his pocket all addressed tothe same name as that on the check. 

The clerk shook his head. 

The man thought a minute and pulled out his watch, which bore the nameon its inside cover. 

Clerk hardly glanced at it. 

The man dug into his pockets and found one of those"If-I-should-die-tonight-please-notify-my-wife" cards, and called theclerk's attention to the description, which fitted to a T. 

But the clerk was still obdurate. 

"Those things don't prove anything, " he said. "We've got to have theword of a man that we know. "

"But, man, I've given you an identification that would convict me ofmurder in any court in the land. "

"That's probably very true, " responded the clerk, patiently, "but inmatters connected with the bank we have to be more careful. "

_See also_ Jury; Witnesses. 

COURTSHIP

"Do you think a woman believes you when you tell her she is the firstgirl you ever loved?"

"Yes, if you're the first liar she has ever met. "

 Augustus Fitzgibbons Moran Fell in love with Maria McCann. With a yell and a whoop He cleared the front stoop Just ahead of her papa's brogan. 

SPOONLEIGH--"Does your sister always look under the bed?"

HER LITTLE BROTHER--"Yes, and when you come to see her she always looksunder the sofa. "--_J. J. O'Connell_. 

 There was a young man from the West, Who loved a young lady with zest; So hard did he press her To make her say, "Yes, sir, " That he broke three cigars in his vest. 

"I hope your father does not object to my staying so late, " said Mr. Stayput as the clock struck twelve. 

"Oh, dear, no, " replied Miss Dabbs, with difficulty suppressing a yawn, "He says you save him the expense of a night-watchman. "

 There was an old monk of Siberia, Whose existence grew drearier and drearier; He burst from his cell With a hell of a yell, And eloped with the Mother Superior. 

It was scarcely half-past nine when the rather fierce-looking father ofthe girl entered the parlor where the timid lover was courting her. Thefather had his watch in his hand. 

"Young man, " he said brusquely, "do you know what time it is?"

"Y-y-yes sir, " stuttered the frightened lover, as he scrambled out intothe hall; "I--I was just going to leave!"

After the beau had made a rapid exit, the father turned to the girl andsaid in astonishment:

"What was the matter with that fellow? My watch has run down, and Isimply wanted to know the time. "

"What were you and Mr. Smith talking about in the parlor?" asked hermother. "Oh, we were discussing our kith and kin, " replied the younglady. 

The mother look dubiously at her daughter, whereupon her little brother, wishing to help his sister, said:

"Yeth they wath, Mother. I heard 'em. Mr. Thmith asked her for a kithand she thaid, 'You kin. '"

During a discussion of the fitness of things in general some one asked:"If a young man takes his best girl to the grand opera, spends $8 on asupper after the performance, and then takes her home in a taxicab, should he kiss her goodnight?"

An old bachelor who was present growled: "I don't think she ought toexpect it. Seems to me he has done enough for her. "

A young woman who was about to wed decided at the last moment to testher sweetheart. So, selecting the prettiest girl she knew, she said toher, though she knew it was a great risk. 

"I'll arrange for Jack to take you out tonight--a walk on the beach inthe moonlight, a lobster supper and all that sort of thing--and I wantyou, in order to put his fidelity to the proof, to ask him for a kiss. "

The other girl laughed, blushed and assented. The dangerous plot wascarried out. Then the next day the girl in love visited the pretty oneand said anxiously:

"Well, did you ask him?"

"No, dear. "

"No? Why not?"

"I didn't get a chance. He asked me first. "

Uncle Nehemiah, the proprietor of a ramshackle little hotel in Mobile, was aghast at finding a newly arrived guest with his arm around hisdaughter's waist. 

"Mandy, tell that niggah to take his arm from around yo' wais', " heindignantly commanded. 

"Tell him you'self, " said Amanda. "He's a puffect stranger to me. "

"Jack and I have parted forever. "

"Good gracious! What does that mean?"

"Means that I'll get a five-pound box of candy in about an hour. "

 Here's to solitaire with a partner, The only game in which one pair beats three of a kind. 

_See also_ Love; Proposals. 

COWARDS

Mrs. Hicks was telling some ladies about the burglar scare in her housethe night before. 

"Yes, " she said, "I heard a noise and got up, and there, from under thebed, I saw a man's legs sticking out. "

"Mercy!" exclaimed a woman. "The burglar's legs?"

"No, my dear; my husband's legs. He heard the noise, too. "

MRS. PECK--"Henry, what would you do if burglars broke into our housesome night?"

MR. PECK (_valiantly_)--"Humph! I should keep perfectly cool, my dear. "

And when, a few nights later, burglars _did_ break in, Henry kept hispromise: he hid in the ice-box. 

Johnny hasn't been to school long, but he already holds some peculiarviews regarding the administration of his particular room. 

The other day he came home with a singularly morose look on his usuallysmiling face. 

"Why, Johnny, " said his mother, "what's the matter?"

"I ain't going to that old school no more, " he fiercely announced. 

"Why, Johnny, " said his mother reproachfully, "you mustn't talk likethat. What's wrong with the school?"

"I ain't goin' there no more, " Johnny replied; "an" it's because all th'boys in my room is blamed old cowards!"

"Why, Johnny, Johnny!"

"Yes, they are. There was a boy whisperin' this mornin', an' teacher sawhim an' bumped his head on th' desk ever an' ever so many times. An'those big cowards sat there an' didn't say quit nor nothin'. They letthat old teacher bang th' head off th' poor little boy, an' they justsat there an' seen her do it!"

"And what did you do, Johnny?"

"I didn't do nothin'--I was the boy!"--_Cleveland Plain Dealer_. 

A negro came running down the lane as though the Old Boy were after him. 

"What are you running for, Mose?" called the colonel from the barn. 

"I ain't a-runnin' fo', " shouted back Mose. "I'se a-runnin' from!"

COWS

Little Willie, being a city boy, had never seen a cow. While on a visitto his grandmother he walked out across the fields with his cousin John. A cow was grazing there, and Willie's curiosity was greatly excited. 

"Oh, Cousin John, what is that?" he asked. 

"Why, that is only a cow, " John replied. 

"And what are those things on her head?"

"Horns, " answered John. 

Before they had gone far the cow mooed long and loud. 

Willie was astounded. Looking back, he demanded, in a very fever ofinterest:

"Which horn did she blow?"

 There was an old man who said, "How Shall I flee from this horrible cow? I will sit on this stile And continue to smile, Which may soften the heart of that cow. "

CRITICISM

FIRST MUSIC CRITIC--"I wasted a whole evening by going to that newpianist's concert last night!"

SECOND MUSIC CRITIC--"Why?"

FIRST MUSIC CRITIC--"His playing was above criticism!"

 As soon Seek roses in December--ice in June, Hope, constancy in wind, or corn in chaff; Believe a woman or an epitaph, Or any other thing that's false, before You trust in critics. 

 --_Byron_. 

It is much easier to be critical than to be correct. --_Disraeli_. 

_See also_ Dramatic criticism. 

CRUELTY

"Why do you beat your little son? It was the cat that upset the vase offlowers. "

"I can't beat the cat. I belong to the S. P. C. A. "

CUCUMBERS

Consider the ways of the little green cucumber, which never does itsbest fighting till it's down. --Stanford Chaparral. 

CULTURE

_See_ Kultur. 

CURFEW

A former resident of Marshall, Mo. , was asking about the old town. 

"I understand they have a curfew law out there now, " he said. 

"No, " his informant answered, "they did have one, but they abandonedit. "

"What was the matter?"

"Well, the bell rang at 9 o'clock, and almost everyone complained thatit woke them up. "

CURIOSITY

The Christmas church services were proceeding very successfully when awoman in the gallery got so interested that she leaned out too far andfell over the railing. Her dress caught in a chandelier, and she wassuspended in mid-air. The minister noticed her undignified position andthundered at the congregation:

"Any person in this congregation who turns around will be struckstone-blind. "

A man, whose curiosity was getting the better of him, but who dreadedthe clergyman's warning, finally turned to his companion and said:

"I'm going to risk one eye. "

A one-armed man entered a restaurant at noon and seated himself next toa dapper little other-people's-business man. The latter at once noticedhis neighbor's left sleeve hanging loose and kept eying it in ahow-did-it-happen sort of a way. The one-armed man paid no attention tohim but kept on eating with his one hand. Finally the inquisitive onecould stand it no longer. He changed his position a little, cleared histhroat, and said: "I beg pardon, sir, but I see you have lost an arm. "

The one-armed man picked up his sleeve with his right hand and peeredanxiously into it. "Bless my soul!" he exclaimed, looking up with greatsurprise. "I do believe you're right. "

_See also_ Wives. 

CYCLONES

_See_ Windfalls. 

DACHSHUNDS

A little boy was entertaining the minister the other day until hismother could complete her toilet. The minister, to make congenialconversation, inquired: "Have you a dog?"

"Yes, sir; a dachshund, " responded the lad. 

"Where is he?" questioned the dominic, knowing the way to a boy's heart. 

"Father sends him away for the winter. He says it takes him so long togo in and out of the door he cools the whole house off. "

DAMAGES

A Chicago lawyer tells of a visit he received from a Mrs. Delehanty, accompanied by Mr. Delehanty, the day after Mrs. Delehanty and a Mrs. Cassidy had indulged in a little difference of opinion. 

When he had listened to the recital of Mrs. Delehanty's troubles, thelawyer said:

"You want to get damages, I suppose?"

"Damages! Damages!" came in shrill tones from Mrs. Delehanty. "Haven't Igot damages enough already, man? What I'm after is satisfaction. "

A Chicago man who was a passenger on a train that met with an accidentnot far from that city tells of a curious incident that he witnessed inthe car wherein he was sitting. 

Just ahead of him were a man and his wife. Suddenly the train wasderailed, and went bumping down a steep hill. The man evinced signs ofthe greatest terror; and when the car came to a stop he carefullyexamined himself to learn whether he had received any injury. Afterascertaining that he was unhurt, he thought of his wife and damages. 

"Are you hurt, dear?" he asked. 

"No, thank Heaven!" was the grateful response. 

"Look here, then, " continued hubby, "I'll tell you what we'll do. Youlet me black your eye, and we'll soak the company good for damages! Itwon't hurt you much. I'll give you just one good punch. " _--HowardMorse_. 

Up in Minnesota Mr. Olsen had a cow killed by a railroad train. In dueseason the claim agent for the railroad called. 

"We understand, of course, that the deceased was a very docile andvaluable animal, " said the claim agent in his most persuasiveclaim-agentlemanly manner "and we sympathize with you and your family inyour loss. But, Mr. Olsen, you must remember this: Your cow had nobusiness being upon our tracks. Those tracks are our private propertyand when she invaded them, she became a trespasser. Technicallyspeaking, you, as her owner, became a trespasser also. But we have nodesire to carry the issue into court and possibly give you trouble. Nowthen, what would you regard as a fair settlement between you and therailroad company?"

"Vail, " said Mr. Olsen slowly, "Ay bane poor Swede farmer, but Ay shallgive you two dollars. "

DANCING

He was a remarkably stout gentleman, excessively fond of dancing, so hisfriends asked him why he had stopped, and was it final?

"Oh, no, I hope not, " sighed the old fellow. "I still love it, and I'vemerely stopped until I can find a concave lady for a partner. "

George Bernard Shaw was recently entertained at a house party. While theother guests were dancing, one of the onlookers called Mr. Shaw'sattention to the awkward dancing of a German professor. 

"Really horrid dancing, isn't it, Mr. Shaw?"

G. B. S. Was not at a loss for the true Shavian response. "Oh that's notdancing" he answered. "That's the New Ethical Movement!"

On a journey through the South not long ago, Wu Ting Fang was impressedby the preponderance of negro labor in one of the cities he visited. Wherever the entertainment committee led him, whether to factory, storeor suburban plantation, all the hard work seemed to be borne by theblack men. 

Minister Wu made no comment at the time, but in the evening when he wasa spectator at a ball given in his honor, after watching the waltzingand two-stepping for half an hour, he remarked to his host:

"Why don't you make the negroes do that for you, too?"

 If they had danced the tango and the trot In days of old, there is no doubt we'd find The poet would have written--would he not?-- "On with the dance, let joy be unrefined!"

 --_J. J. O'Connell_. 

DEAD BEATS

See _Bills_; Collecting of accounts. 

DEBTS

A train traveling through the West was held up by masked bandits. Twofriends, who were on their way to California, were among the passengers. 

"Here's where we lose all our money, " one said, as a robber entered thecar. 

"You don't think they'll take everything, do you?" the other askednervously. 

"Certainly, " the first replied. "These fellows never miss anything. "

"That will be terrible, " the second friend said. "Are you quite surethey won't leave us any money?" he persisted. 

"Of course, " was the reply. "Why do you ask?"

The other was silent for a minute. Then, taking a fifty-dollar note fromhis pocket, he handed it to his friend. 

"What is this for?" the first asked, taking the money. 

"That's the fifty dollars I owe you, " the other answered. "Now we'resquare. "--_W. Dayton Wegefarth_. 

WILLIS--"He calls himself a dynamo. "

GILLIS--"No wonder; everything he has on is charged. "--_Judge_. 

 Anticipated rents, and bills unpaid, Force many a shining youth into the shade, Not to redeem his time, but his estate, And play the fool, but at the cheaper rate. 

 --_Cowper_. 

I hold every man a debtor to his profession. --_Bacon_. 

DEER

 "The deer's a mighty useful beast From Petersburg to Tennyson For while he lives he lopes around And when he's dead he's venison. "

 --_Ellis Parker Butler_. 

DEGREES

 A young theologian named Fiddle Refused to accept his degree; "For, " said he, "'tis enough to be Fiddle, Without being Fiddle D. D. "

DEMOCRACY

"Why are you so vexed, Irma?"

"I am so exasperated! I attended the meeting of the Social EqualityLeague, and my parlor-maid presided, and she had the audacity to call meto order three times. "--_M. L. Hayward_. 

_See also_ Ancestry. 

DEMOCRATIC PARTY

HOSPITAL PHYSICIAN--"Which ward do you wish to be taken to? A pay wardor a--"

MALONEY--"Iny of thim, Doc, thot's safely Dimocratic. "

DENTISTRY

Our young hopeful came running into the house. His suit was dusty, andthere was a bump on his small brow. But a gleam was in his eye, and heheld out a baby tooth. 

"How did you pull it?" demanded his mother. 

"Oh, " he said bravely, "it was easy enough. I just fell down, and thewhole world came up and pushed it out. "

DENTISTS

The dentist is one who pulls out the teeth of others to obtainemployment for his own. 

One day little Flora was taken to have an aching tooth removed. Thatnight, while she was saying her prayers, her mother was surprised tohear her say: "And forgive us our debts as we forgive ourdentists. "--_Everybody's_. 

One said a tooth drawer was a kind of unconscionable trade, because histrade was nothing else but to take away those things whereby every mangets his living. --_Haglitt_. 

DESCRIPTION

A popular soprano is said to have a voice of fine timbre, a willowyfigure, cherry lips, chestnut hair, and hazel eyes. She must have beenraised in the lumber regions. --_Ella Hutchison Ellwanger_. 

DESIGN, DECORATIVE

Harold watched his mother as she folded up an intricate piece of laceshe had just crocheted. 

"Where did you get the pattern, Mamma?" he questioned. 

"Out of my head, " she answered lightly. 

"Does your head feel better now, Mamma?" he asked anxiously. --_C. HiltonTurvey_. 

DESTINATION

A Washington car conductor, born in London and still a cockney, hassucceeded in extracting thrills from the alphabet--imparting excitementto the names of the national capitol's streets. On a recent Sundaymorning he was calling the streets thus:

"Haitch!"

"High!"

"Jay!"

"Kay!"

"Hell!"

At this point three prim ladies picked up their prayer-books and leftthe car. --_Lippincott's Magazine_. 

Andrew Lang once invited a friend to dinner when he was staying inMarlowe's road, Earl's Court, a street away at the end of that longCromwell road, which seems to go on forever. The guest was not verysure how to get there, so Lang explained:

"Walk right' along Cromwell road, " he said, "till you drop dead and myhouse is just opposite!"

DETAILS

Charles Frohman was talking to a Philadelphia reporter about theimportance of detail. 

"Those who work for me, " he said, "follow my directions down to the verysmallest item. To go wrong in detail, you know, is often to goaltogether wrong--like the dissipated husband. 

"A dissipated husband as he stood before his house in the small hourssearching for his latchkey, muttered to himself:

"'Now which did my wife say--hic--have two whishkies an' get home by 12, or--hic--have twelve whishkies an' get home by 2?'"

DETECTIVES

When Conan Doyle arrived for the first time in Boston he was instantlyrecognized by the cabman whose vehicle he had engaged. When the greatliterary man offered to pay his fare the cabman said quite respectfully:

"If you please, sir, I should much prefer a ticket to your lecture. Ifyou should have none with you a visiting-card penciled by yourself woulddo. "

Conan Doyle laughed. 

"Tell me, " he said, "how did you know who I was, and I will give youtickets for your whole family. "

"Thank you sir, " was the reply. "Why, we all knew--that is, all themembers of the Cabmen's Literary Guild knew--that you were coming bythis train. I happen to be the only member on duty at the station thismorning. If you will excuse personal remarks your coat lapels are badlytwisted downward where they have been grasped by the pertinacious NewYork reporters. Your hair has the Quakerish cut of a Philadelphiabarber, and your hat, battered at the brim in front, shows where youhave tightly grasped it in the struggle to stand your ground at aChicago literary luncheon. Your right overshoe has a large block ofBuffalo mud just under the instep, the odor of a Utica cigar hangs aboutyour clothing, and the overcoat itself shows the slovenly brushing ofthe porters of the through sleepers from Albany, and stenciled upon thevery end of the 'Wellington' in fairly plain lettering is your name, 'Conan Doyle. '"

DETERMINATION

After the death of Andrew Jackson the following conversation is said tohave occurred between an Anti-Jackson broker and a Democratic merchant:

MERCHANT (_with a sigh_)--"Well, the old General is dead. "

BROKER (_with a shrug_)--"Yes, he's gone at last. "

MERCHANT (_not appreciating the shrug_)--"Well, sir, he was a good man. "

BROKER (_with shrug more pronounced_)--"I don't know about that. "

MERCHANT (_energetically_)--"He was a good man, sir. If any man hasgone to heaven, General Jackson has gone to heaven. "

BROKER (_doggedly_)--"I don't know about that. "

MERCHANT--"Well, sir, I tell you that if Andrew Jackson had made up hismind to go to heaven, you may depend upon it he's there. "

DIAGNOSIS

An epileptic dropped in a fit on the streets of Boston not long ago, andwas taken to a hospital. Upon removing his coat there was found pinnedto his waistcoat a slip of paper on which was written:

"This is to inform the house-surgeon that this is just a case of plainfit: not appendicitis. My appendix has already been removed twice. "

DIET

Eat, drink, and be merry, for to-morrow ye diet. --_William GilmoreBeymer_. 

 There was a young lady named Perkins, Who had a great fondness for gherkins; She went to a tea And ate twenty-three, Which pickled her internal workin's. 

"Mother, " asked the little one, on the occasion of a number of guestsbeing present at dinner, "will the dessert hurt me, or is there enoughto go round?"

The doctor told him he needed carbohydrates, proteids, and above all, something nitrogenous. The doctor mentioned a long list of foods for himto eat. He staggered out and wabbled into a Penn avenue restaurant. 

"How about beefsteak?" he asked the waiter. "Is that nitrogenous?"

The waiter didn't know. 

"Are fried potatoes rich in carbohydrates or not?"

The waiter couldn't say. 

"Well, I'll fix it, " declared the poor man in despair. "Bring me a largeplate of hash. "

 A Colonel, who used to assert That naught his digestion could hurt, Was forced to admit That his weak point was hit When they gave him hot shot for dessert. 

To abstain that we may enjoy is the epicurianism of reason. --_Rousseau_. 

They are as sick that surfeit with too much, as they that starve withnothing. --_Shakespeare_. 

DILEMMAS

A story that has done service in political campaigns to illustratesupposed dilemmas of the opposition will likely be revived in everypolitical "heated term. "

Away back, when herds of buffalo grazed along the foothills of thewestern mountains, two hardy prospectors fell in with a bull bison thatseemed to have been separated from his kind and run amuck. One of theprospectors took to the branches of a tree and the other dived into acave. The buffalo bellowed at the entrance to the cavern and then turnedtoward the tree. Out came the man from the cave, and the buffalo tookafter him again. The man made another dive for the hole. After this hadbeen repeated several times, the man in the tree called to his comrade, who was trembling at the mouth of the cavern:

"Stay in the cave, you idiot!"

"You don't know nothing about this hole, " bawled the other. "There's abear in it!"

DINING

A twelve course dinner might be described as a gastronomicmarathon. --_John E. Rosser_. 

"That was the spirit of your uncle that made that table stand, turnover, and do such queer stunts. "

"I am not surprised; he never did have good table manners. "

"Chakey, Chakey, " called the big sister as she stood in the doorway andlooked down the street toward the group of small boys: "Chakey, come inalreaty and eat youseself. Maw she's on the table and Paw he's half et. "

 There was a young lady of Cork, Whose Pa made a fortune in pork; He bought for his daughter A tutor who taught her To balance green peas on her fork. 

An anecdote about Dr. Randall Davidson, bishop of Winchester, is thatafter an ecclesiastical function, as the clergy were trooping in toluncheon, an unctuous archdeacon observed: "This is the time to put abridle on our appetites!"

"Yes, " replied the bishop, "this is the time to put a bit in ourmouths!"--_Christian Life_. 

 There was a young lady named Maud, A very deceptive young fraud; She never was able To eat at the table, But out in the pantry--O Lord!

"Father's trip abroad did him so much good, " said the self-made man'sdaughter. "He looks better, feels better, and as for appetite--honestly, it would just do your heart good to hear him eat!"

Whistler, the artist, was one day invited to dinner at a friend's houseand arrived at his destination two hours late. 

"How extraordinary!" he exclaimed, as he walked into the dining-roomwhere the company was seated at the table; "really, I should think youmight have waited a bit--why, you're just like a lot of pigs with youreating!"

 A macaroon, A cup of tea, An afternoon, Is all that she Will eat; She's in society. 

 But let me take This maiden fair To some café, And, then and there, She'll eat the whole Blame bill of fare. 

 --_The Mystic Times_. 

The small daughter of the house was busily setting the tables forexpected company when her mother called to her:

"Put down three forks at each place, dear. "

Having made some observations on her own account when the expectedguests had dined with her mother before, she inquired thoughtfully:

"Shall I give Uncle John three knives?"

For a man seldom thinks with more earnestness of anything than he doesof his dinner--_Samuel Johnson_. 

DIPLOMACY

WIFE--"Please match this piece of silk for me before you come home. "

HUSBAND--"At the counter where the sweet little blond works? The onewith the soulful eyes and--"

WIFE--"No. You're too tired to shop for me when your day's work is done, dear. On second thought, I won't bother you. "

Scripture tells us that a soft answer turneth away wrath. A wittyrepartee sometimes helps one immensely also. 

When Richard Olney was secretary of state he frequently gave expressionto the opinion that appointees to the consular service should speak thelanguage of the countries to which they were respectively accredited. Itis said that when a certain breezy and enterprising western politicianwho was desirous of serving the Cleveland administration in the capacityof consul of the Chinese ports presented his papers to Mr. Olney, thesecretary remarked:

"Are you aware, Mr. Blank, that I never recommend to the President theappointment of a consul unless he speaks the language of the country towhich he desires to go? Now, I suppose you do not speak Chinese?"

Whereupon the westerner grinned broadly. "If, Mr. Secretary, " said he, "you will ask me a question in Chinese, I shall be happy to answer it. "He got the appointment. 

"Miss de Simpson, " said the young secretary of legation, "I have openednegotiations with your father upon the subject of--er--coming to see youoftener, with a view ultimately to forming an alliance, and he hasresponded favorably. May I ask if you will ratify the arrangement, as a_modus vivendi?_"

"Mr. Von Harris, " answered the daughter of the eminent diplomat, "don'tyou think it would have been a more graceful recognition of myadministrative entity if you had asked me first?"

 I call'd the devil and he came, And with wonder his form did I closely scan; He is not ugly, and is not lame, But really a handsome and charming man. A man in the prime of life is the devil, Obliging, a man of the world, and civil; A diplomatist too, well skill'd in debate, He talks quite glibly of church and state. 

 --_Heine_. 

DISCIPLINE

_See_ Military discipline; Parents. 

DISCOUNTS

A train in Arizona was boarded by robbers, who went through the pocketsof the luckless passengers. One of them happened to be a travelingsalesman from New York, who, when his turn came, fished out $200, butrapidly took $4 from the pile and placed it in his vest pocket. 

"What do you mean by that?" asked the robber, as he toyed with hisrevolver. Hurriedly came the answer: "Mine frent, you surely vould notrefuse me two per zent discount on a strictly cash transaction likedis?"

DISCRETION

When you can, use discretion; when you can't, use a club. 

DISPOSITION

One eastern railroad has a regular form for reporting accidents toanimals on its right of way. Recently a track foreman had the killing ofa cow to report. In answer to the question, "Disposition of carcass?" hewrote: "Kind and gentle. "

There was one man who had a reputation for being even tempered. He wasalways cross. 

DISTANCES

A regiment of regulars was making a long, dusty march across the rollingprairie land of Montana last summer. It was a hot, blistering day andthe men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the nexttown. 

A rancher rode past. 

"Say, friend, " called out one of the men, "how far is it to the nexttown?"

"Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon, " called back the rancher. Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered. 

"How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly. 

"Oh, a good two miles. "

A weary half-hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher. 

"Hey, how far's the next town?"

"Not far, " was the encouraging answer. "Only about two miles. "

"Well, " sighed an optimistic sergeant, "thank God, we're holdin' ourown, anyhow!"

DIVORCE

"When a woman marries and then divorces her husband inside of a weekwhat would you call it?"

"Taking his name in vain. "--_Princeton Tiger_. 

DOGS

LADY (to tramp who had been commissioned to find her lost poodle)--"Thepoor little darling, where did you find him?"

TRAMP--"Oh, a man 'ad 'im, miss, tied to a pole, and was cleaning thewindows wiv 'im!"

A family moved from the city to a suburban locality and were told thatthey should get a watchdog to guard the premises at night. So theybought the largest dog that was for sale in the kennels of a neighboringdog fancier, who was a German. Shortly afterward the house was enteredby burglars who made a good haul, while the big dog slept. The man wentto the dog fancier and told him about it. 

"Veil, vat you need now, " said the dog merchant, "is a leedle dog tovake up the big dog. "

 "Dogs is mighty useful beasts They might seem bad at first They might seem worser right along But when they're dead They're wurst. "

 --_Ellis Parker Butler_. 

"My dog took first prize at the cat show. "

"How was that?"

"He took the cat. "--_Judge_. 

FAIR VISITOR--"Why are you giving Fido's teeth such a thoroughbrushing?"

FOND MISTRESS--"Oh! The poor darling's just bitten some horrid person, and, really, you know, one can't be too careful. "--_Life_. 

"Do you know that that bulldog of yours killed my wife's littleharmless, affectionate poodle?"

"Well, what are you going to do about it?"

"Would you be offended if I was to present him with a nice brasscollar?"

 Fleshy Miss Muffet Sat down on Tuffet, A very good dog in his way; When she saw what she'd done, She started to run-- And Tuffet was buried next day. 

 --_L. T. H_. 

William J. Stevens, for several years local station agent at Swansea, R. I. , was peacefully promenading his platform one morning when a rash dogventured to snap at one of William's plump legs. Stevens promptly kickedthe animal halfway across the tracks, and was immediately confronted bythe owner, who demanded an explanation in language more forcible thancourteous. 

"Why, " said Stevens when the other paused for breath, "your dog's mad. "

"Mad! Mad! You double-dyed blankety-blank fool, he ain't mad!"

"Oh, ain't he?" cut in Stevens. "Gosh! I should be if any one kicked melike that!"

One would have it that a collie is the most sagacious of dogs, while theother stood up for the setter. 

"I once owned a setter, " declared the latter, "which was veryintelligent. I had him on the street one day, and he acted so queerlyabout a certain man we met that I asked the man his name, and--"

"Oh, that's an old story!" the collie's advocate broke in sneeringly. "The man's name was Partridge, of course, and because of that the dogcame to a set. Ho, ho! Come again!"

"You're mistaken, " rejoined the other suavely. "The dog didn't comequite to a set, though almost. As a matter of fact, the man's name wasQuayle, and the dog hesitated on account of the spelling!"--_P. R. Benson_. 

The more one sees of men the more one likes dogs. 

_See also_ Dachshunds. 

DOMESTIC FINANCE

"Talk about Napoleon! That fellow Wombat is something of a strategisthimself. "

"As to how?"

"Got his salary raised six months ago, and his wife hasn't found it outyet. "--_Washington Herald_. 

A Lakewood woman was recently reading to her little boy the story of ayoung lad whose father was taken ill and died, after which he sethimself diligently to work to support himself and his mother. When shehad finished her story she said:

"Dear Billy, if your papa were to die, would you work to support yourdear mamma?"

"Naw!" said Billy unexpectedly. 

"But why not?"

"Ain't we got a good house to live in?"

"Yes, dearie, but we can't eat the house, you know. "

"Ain't there a lot o' stuff in the pantry?"

"Yes, but that won't last forever. "

"It'll last till you git another husband, won't it? You're a pretty goodlooker, ma!"

Mamma gave up right there. 

"I am sending you a thousand kisses, " he wrote to his fair young wifewho was spending her first month away from him. Two days later hereceived the following telegram: "Kisses received. Landlord refuses toaccept any of them on account. " Then he woke up and forwarded a check. 

_See also_ Trouble. 

DOMESTIC RELATIONS

 There was a young man of Dunbar, Who playfully poisoned his Ma; When he'd finished his work, He remarked with a smirk, "This will cause quite a family jar. "

_See also_ Families; Marriage. 

DRAMA

The average modern play calls in the first act for all our faith, in thesecond for all our hope, and in the last for all our charity. --_EugeneWalter_. 

The young man in the third row of seats looked bored. He wasn't having agood time. He cared nothing for the Shakespearean drama. 

"What's the greatest play you ever saw?" the young woman asked, observing his abstraction. 

Instantly he brightened. 

"Tinker touching a man out between second and third and getting the ballover to Chance in time to nab the runner to first!" he said. 

LARRY--"I like Professor Whatishisname in Shakespeare. He brings thingshome to you that you never saw before. "

HARRY--"Huh! I've got a laundryman as good as that. "

I think I love and reverence all arts equally, only putting my own justabove the others. . . . To me it seems as if when God conceived the world, that was Poetry; He formed it, and that was Sculpture; He colored it, and that was Painting; He peopled it with living beings, and that wasthe grand, divine, eternal Drama. --_Charlotte Cushman_. 

Two women were leaving the theater after a performance of "The Doll'sHouse. "

"Oh, don't you _love_ Ibsen?" asked one, ecstatically. "Doesn't he justtake all the hope out of life?"

DRAMATIC CRITICISM

Theodore Dreiser, the novelist, was talking about criticism. 

"I like pointed criticism, " he said, "criticism such as I heard in thelobby of a theater the other night at the end of the play. "

"The critic was an old gentleman. His criticism, which was for hiswife's ears alone, consisted of these words:

"'Well, you would come!'"

Nat Goodwin, the American comedian, when at the Shaftesbury Theatre, London, told of an experience he once had with a juvenile deadhead in atown in America. Standing outside the theater a little time before theperformance was due to begin he observed a small boy with an anxious, forlorn look on his face and a weedy-looking pup in his arms. 

Goodwin inquired what was the matter, and was told that the boy wishedto sell the dog so as to raise the price of a seat in the gallery. Theactor suspected at once a dodge to secure a pass on the "sympathyracket, " but allowing himself to be taken in he gave the boy a pass. Thedog was deposited in a safe place and the boy was able to watch Goodwinas the Gilded Fool from a good seat in the gallery. Next day Goodwin sawthe boy again near the theater, so he asked:

"Well, sonny, how did you like the show?"

"I'm glad I didn't sell my dog, " was the reply. 

DRAMATISTS

"I hear Scribbler finally got one of his plays on the boards. "

"Yes, the property man tore up his manuscript and used it in the snowstorm scene. "

"So you think the author of this play will live, do you?" remarked thetourist. 

"Yes, " replied the manager of the Frozen Dog Opera House. "He's got afive-mile start and I don't think the boys kin ketch him. "--_Life_. 

We all know the troubles of a dramatist are many and varied. 

Here's an advertisement taken from a morning paper that shows to what apass a genius may come in a great city:

"Wanted--A collaborator, by a young playwright. The play is alreadywritten; collaborator to furnish board and bed until play is produced. "

DRESSMAKERS

WIFE--"Wretch! Show me that letter. "

HUSBAND--"What letter?"

WIFE--"That one in your hand. It's from a woman, I can see by thewriting, and you turned pale when you saw it. "

HUSBAND--"Yes. Here it is. It's your dressmaker's bill. "

DRINKING

 He who goes to bed, and goes to bed sober, Falls as the leaves do, and dies in October; But he who goes to bed, and does so mellow, Lives as he ought to, and dies a good fellow. 

 --_Parody on Fletcher_. 

I drink when I have occasion, and sometimes when I have nooccasion. --_Cervantes_. 

I have very poor and unhappy brains for drinking. I could wish courtesywould invent some other custom of entertainment. --_Shakespeare_. 

 The Frenchman loves his native wine; The German loves his beer; The Englishman loves his 'alf and 'alf, Because it brings good cheer; The Irishman loves his "whiskey straight, " Because it gives him dizziness; The American has no choice at all, So he drinks the whole blamed business. 

A young Englishman came to Washington and devoted his days and nights toan earnest endeavor to drink all the Scotch whiskey there was. Hecouldn't do it, and presently went to a doctor, complaining of adisordered stomach. 

"Quit drinking!" ordered the doctor. 

"But, my dear sir, I cawn't. I get so thirsty. "

"Well, " said the doctor, "whenever you are thirsty eat an apple insteadof taking a drink. "

The Englishman paid his fee and left. He met a friend to whom he toldhis experience. 

"Bally rot!" he protested. "Fawncy eating forty apples a day!"

If you are invited to drink at any man's house more than you think iswholesome, you may say "you wish you could, but so little makes you bothdrunk and sick; that you should only be bad company by doing so. "--_LordChesterfield_. 

There is many a cup 'twixt the lip and the slip. --_Judge_. 

One swallow doesn't make a summer, but it breaks a New Year'sresolution. --_Life_. 

DOCTOR (feeling Sandy's pulse in bed)--"What do you drink. "

SANDY (with brightening face)--"Oh, I'm nae particular, doctor! Anythingyou've got with ye. "

 Here's to the girls of the American shore, I love but one, I love no more, Since she's not here to drink her part, I'll drink her share with all my heart. 

A well-known Scottish architect was traveling in Palestine recently, when news reached him of an addition to his family circle. The happyfather immediately provided himself with some water from the Jordan tocarry home for the christening of the infant, and returned to Scotland. 

On the Sunday appointed for the ceremony he duly presented himself atthe church, and sought out the beadle in order to hand over the preciouswater to his care. He pulled the flask from his pocket, but the beadleheld up a warning hand, and came nearer to whisper:

"No the noo, sir; no the noo! Maybe after the kirk's oot!"

When President Eliot of Harvard was in active service as head of theuniversity, reports came to him that one of his young charges was in thehabit of absorbing more liquor than was good for him, and PresidentEliot determined to do his duty and look into the matter. 

Meeting the young man under suspicion in the yard shortly afterbreakfast one day the president marched up to him and demanded, "Youngman, do you drink?"

"Why, why, why, " stammered the young man, "why, President Eliot, not soearly in the morning, thank you. "

WIFE (on auto tour)--"That fellow back there said there is a road-housea few miles down the road. Shall we stop there?"

HUSBAND--"Did he whisper it or say it out loud?"

A priest went to a barber shop conducted by one of his Irishparishioners to get a shave. He observed the barber was suffering from arecent celebration, but decided to take a chance. In a few moments thebarber's razor had nicked the father's cheek. "There, Pat, you have cutme, " said the priest as he raised his hand and caressed the wound. "Yis, y'r riv'rance, " answered the barber. "That shows you, " continued thepriest, in a tone of censure, "what the use of liquor will do. " "Yis, y'r riv'rance, " replied the barber, humbly, "it makes the skin tender. "

Ex-congressman Asher G. Caruth, of Kentucky, tells this story of anexperience he once had on a visit to a little Ohio town. 

"I went up there on legal business, " he says, "and, knowing that Ishould have to stay all night, I proceeded directly to the only hotel. The landlord stood behind the desk and regarded me with a kindly air asI registered. It seems that he was a little hard of hearing, a fact ofwhich I was not aware. As I jabbed the pen back into the dish of birdshot, I said:

"'Can you direct me to the bank?'

"He looked at me blankly for a second, then swinging the registeraround, he glanced down swiftly, caught the 'Louisville' after my name, and an expression of complete understanding lighting up his countenance, he said:

"'Certainly, sir. You will find the bar right through that door at theleft. '"

_See also_ Drunkards; Good fellowship; Temperance; Wine. 

DROUGHTS

Governor Glasscock of West Virginia, while traveling through Arizona, noticed the dry, dusty appearance of the country. 

"Doesn't it ever rain around here?" he asked one of the natives. 

"Rain?" The native spat. "Rain? Why say pardner, there's bullfrogs inthis yere town over five years old that hain't learned to swim yet!"

DRUNKARDS

 Sing a song of sick gents, Pockets full of rye, Four and twenty highballs, We wish that we might die. 

Two booze-fiends were ambling homeward at an early hour, after being outnearly all night. 

"Don't your wife miss you on these occasions?" asked one. 

"Not often, " replied the other; "she throws pretty straight. "

"Where's old Four-Fingered Pete?" asked Alkali Ike. "I ain't seen himaround here since I got back. "

"Pete?" said the bartender. "Oh, he went up to Hyena Tongue and gotjagged. Went up to a hotel winder, stuck his head in and hollered'Fire!' and everybody did. "

The Irish talent for repartee has an amusing illustration in LordRossmore's recent book "Things I Can Tell. " While acting as magistrateat an Irish village, Lord Rossmore said to an old offender broughtbefore him: "You here again?" "Yes, your honor. " "What's brought youhere?" "Two policemen, your honor. " "Come, come, I know that--drunkagain, I suppose?" "Yes, your honor, both of them. "

The colonel came down to breakfast New Year's morning with a bandagedhand. 

"Why, colonel, what's the matter?" they asked. 

"Confound it all!" the colonel answered, "we had a little party lastnight, and one of the younger men got intoxicated and stepped on myhand. "

MAGISTRATE--"And what was the prisoner doing?"

CONSTABLE--"E were 'avin' a very 'eated argument with a cab driver, yerworship. "

MAGISTRATE--"But that doesn't prove he was drunk. "

CONSTABLE--"Ah, but there worn't no cab driver there, yer worship. "

A Scotch minister and his servant, who were coming home from a wedding, began to consider the state into which their potations at the weddingfeast had left them. 

"Sandy, " said the minister, "just stop a minute here till I go ahead. Maybe I don't walk very steady and the good wife might remark somethingnot just right. "

He walked ahead of the servant for a short distance and then asked:

"How is it? Am I walking straight?"

"Oh, ay, " answered Sandy thickly, "ye're a' recht--but who's that who'swith ye. "

A man in a very deep state of intoxication was shouting and kicking mostvigorously at a lamp post, when the noise attracted a near-by policeman. 

"What's the matter?" he asked the energetic one. 

"Oh, never mind, mishter. Thash all right, " was the reply; "I knowshe'sh home all right--I shee a light upshtairs. "

A pompous little man with gold-rimmed spectacles and a thoughtful browboarded a New York elevated train and took the only unoccupied seat. Theman next him had evidently been drinking. For a while the little mancontented himself with merely sniffing contemptuously at his neighbor, but finally he summoned the guard. 

"Conductor, " he demanded indignantly, "do you permit drunken people toride upon this train?"

"No, sir, " replied the guard in a confidential whisper. "But don't say aword and stay where you are, sir. If ye hadn't told me I'd never havenoticed ye. "

A noisy bunch tacked out of their club late one night, and up thestreet. They stopped in front of an imposing residence. Afterconsiderable discussion one of them advanced and pounded on the door. Awoman stuck her head out of a second-story window and demanded, none toosweetly: "What do you want?"

"Ish thish the residence of Mr. Smith?" inquired the man on the steps, with an elaborate bow. 

"It is. What do you want?"

"Ish it possible I have the honor of speakin' to Misshus Smith?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"Dear Misshus Smith! Good Misshus Smith! Will you--hic--come down an'pick out Mr. Smith? The resh of us want to go home. "

That clever and brilliant genius, McDougall, who represented Californiain the United States Senate, was like many others of his class somewhataddicted to fiery stimulants, and unable to battle long with themwithout showing the effect of the struggle. Even in his most exhaustedcondition he was, however, brilliant at repartee; but one night, at asupper of journalists given to the late George D. Prentice, a genius ofthe same mold and the same unfortunate habit, he found a foeman worthyof his steel in General John Cochrane. McDougall had taken offense atsome anti-slavery sentiments which had been uttered--it was in wartimes--and late in the evening got on his legs for the tenth time tomake a reply. The spirit did not move him to utterance, however; on thecontrary, it quite deprived him of the power of speech; and after anineffectual attempt at speech he suddenly concluded:

"Those are my sentiments, sir, and my name's McDougall. "

"I beg the gentleman's pardon, " said General Cochrane, springing to hisfeet; "but what was that last remark?"

McDougall pronounced it again; "my name's McDougall. "

"There must be some error, " said Cochrane, gravely. "I have known Mr. McDougall many years, and there never was a time when as late as twelveo'clock at night he knew what his name was. "

On a pleasant Sunday afternoon an old German and his youngest son wereseated in the village inn. The father had partaken liberally of thehome-brewed beer, and was warning his son against the evils ofintemperance. "Never drink too much, my son. A gentleman stops when hehas enough. To be drunk is a disgrace. "

"Yes, Father, but how can I tell when I have enough or am drunk?"

The old man pointed with his finger. "Do you see those two men sittingin the corner? If you see four men there, you would be drunk. "

The boy looked long and earnestly. "Yes, Father, but--but--there is onlyone man in that corner. "--_W. Karl Hilbrich_. 

William R. Hearst, who never touches liquor, had several men inimportant positions on his newspapers who were not strangers tointoxicants. Mr. Hearst has a habit of appearing at his office atunexpected times and summoning his chiefs of departments forinstructions. One afternoon he sent for Mr. Blank. 

"He hasn't come down yet, sir, " reported the office boy. 

"Please tell Mr. Dash I want to see him. "

"He hasn't come down yet either. "

"Well, find Mr. Star or Mr. Sun or Mr. Moon--anybody; I want to see oneof them at once. "

"Ain't none of 'em here yet, sir. You see there was a celebration lastnight and--"

Mr. Hearst sank back in his chair and remarked in his quiet way:

"For a man who don't drink I think I suffer more from the effects of itthan anybody in the world. "

"What is a drunken man like, Fool?"

"Like a drowned man, a fool and a madman: one draught above heat makeshim a fool; the second mads him; and a third drowns him. "--_Shakespeare_. 

DYSPEPSIA

"Ah, " she sighed "for many years I've suffered from dyspepsia. "

"And don't you take anything for it?" her friend asked. "You lookhealthy enough. "

"Oh, " she replied, "I haven't indigestion: my husband has. "

ECHOES

An American and a Scotsman were walking one day near the foot of one ofthe Scotch mountains. The Scotsman, wishing to impress the visitor, produced a famous echo to be heard in that place. When the echo returnedclearly after nearly four minutes, the proud Scotsman, turning to theYankee exclaimed:

"There, mon, ye canna show anything like that in your country. "

"Oh, I don't know, " said the American, "I guess we can better that. Whyin my camp in the Rockies, when I go to bed I just lean out of mywindow and call out, 'Time to get up: wake up!' and eight hoursafterward the echo comes back and wakes me. "

ECONOMY

An economist is usually a man who can save money by cutting down someother person's expenses. 

Economy is going without something you do want in case you should, someday, want something which you probably won't want. --_Anthony Hope_. 

Economy is a way of spending money without getting any fun out of it. 

Ther's lots o' difference between thrift an' tryin' t' revive a lastyear's straw hat. --_Abe Martin_. 

Economy is a great revenue. --_Cicero_. 

_See also_ Domestic finance; Saving; Thrift. 

EDITORS

Recipe for an editor:

 Take a personal hatred of authors, Mix this with a fiendish delight In refusing all efforts of genius And maiming all poets on sight. 

 --_Life_. 

The city editor of a great New York daily was known in the newspaperworld as a martinet and severe disciplinarian. Some of his caustic andbiting criticisms are classics. Once, however, the tables were turnedupon him in a way that left him speechless for days. 

A reporter on the paper wrote an article that the city editor did notapprove of. The morning of publication this reporter drifted into theoffice and encountered his chief, who was in a white heat of anger. Carefully suppressing the explosion, however, the boss started in withominous and icy words:

"Mr. Blank, I am not going to criticize you for what you have written. On the other hand, I am profoundly sorry for you. I have watched yourwork recently, and it is my opinion, reached after calm anddispassionate observation, that you are mentally unbalanced. You areinsane. Your mind is a wreck. Your friends should take you in hand. Thevery kindest suggestion I can make is that you visit an alienist andplace yourself under treatment. So far you have shown no sign ofviolence, but what the future holds for you no one can tell. I say thisin all kindness and frankness. You are discharged. "

The reporter walked out of the office and wandered up to BellevueHospital. He visited the insane pavilion, and told the resident surgeonthat there was a suspicion that he was not all right mentally and askedto be examined. The doctor put him through the regular routine and thensaid, "Right as a top. "

"Sure?" asked the reporter. "Will you give me a certificate to thateffect?" The doctor said he would and did. Clutching the certificatetightly in his hand the reporter entered the office an hour later, walked up to the city editor, handed it to him silently, and thenblurted out, "Now you go get one. "

EDUCATION

Along in the sixties Pat Casey pushed a wheelbarrow across the plainsfrom St. Joseph, Mo. , to Georgetown, Colo. , and shortly after that he"struck it rich"; in fact, he was credited with having more wealth thanany one else in Colorado. A man of great shrewdness and ability, he wasexceedingly sensitive over his inability to read or write. One day anold-timer met him with:

"How are you getting along, Pat?"

"Go 'way from me now, " said Pat genially, "me head's bustin' widbusiness. It takes two lid-pincils a day to do me wurruk. "

A catalog of farming implements sent out by the manufacturer finallyfound its way to a distant mountain village where it was evidentlywelcomed with interest. The firm received a carefully written, ifsomewhat clumsily expressed letter from a southern "cracker" askingfurther particulars about one of the listed articles. 

To this, in the usual course of business, was sent a type-writtenanswer. Almost by return mail came a reply:

"You fellows need not think you are so all-fired smart, and you need notprint your letters to me. I can read writing. "

EFFICIENCY

An American motorist went to Germany in his car to the army maneuvers. He was especially impressed with the German motor ambulances. As thetourist watched the maneuvers from a seat under a tree, the axle of oneof the motor ambulances broke. Instantly the man leaped out, ran intothe village, returned in a jiffy with a new axle, fixed it in place withwonderful skill, and teuffed-teuffed off again almost as good as new. 

"There's efficiency for you, " said the American admirably. "There'sGerman efficiency for you. No matter what breaks, there's always a stockat hand from which to supply the needed part. "

And praising the remarkable instance of German efficiency he had justwitnessed, the tourist returned to the village and ordered up his car. But he couldn't use it. The axle was missing. 

A curious little man sat next an elderly, prosperous looking man in asmoking car. 

"How many people work in your office?" he asked. 

"Oh, " responded the elderly man, getting up and throwing away his cigar, "I should say, at a rough guess, about two-thirds of them. "

EGOTISM

In the Chicago schools a boy refused to sew, thinking it below thedignity of a man of ten years. 

"Why, " said the teacher, "George Washington did his own sewing in thewars, and do you think you are better than George Washington?"

"I don't know, " replied the boy seriously. "Only time can tell that. "

John D. Rockefeller tells this story on himself:

"Golfing one bright winter day I had for caddie a boy who didn't knowme. 

"An unfortunate stroke landed me in clump of high grass. 

"'My, my, ' I said, 'what am I to do now?'

"'See that there tree?' said the boy, pointing to a tall tree a mileaway. 'Well, drive straight for that. '

"I lofted vigorously, and, fortunately, my ball soared up into the air;it landed, and it rolled right on to the putting green. 

"'How's that, my boy?' I cried. 

"The caddie stared at me with envious eyes. 

"'Gee, boss, ' he said, 'if I had your strength and you had my brainswhat a pair we'd make!'"

The late Marshall Field had a very small office-boy who came to thegreat merchant one day with a request for an increase in wages. 

"Huh!" said Mr. Field, looking at him as if through a magnifying-glass. "Want a raise, do you? How much are you getting?"

"Three dollars a week, " chirped the little chap. 

"Three dollars a week!" exclaimed his employer. "Why, when I was yourage I only got two dollars. "

"Oh, well, that's different, " piped the youngster. "I guess you weren'tworth any more. "

 Here's to the man who is wisest and best, Here's to the man who with judgment is blest. Here's to the man who's as smart as can be-- I mean the man who agrees with me. 

ELECTIONS

In St. Louis there is one ward that is full of breweries and Germans. Ina recent election a local option question was up. 

After the election some Germans were counting the votes. One German wascalling off and another taking down the option votes. The first German, running rapidly through the ballots, said: "Vet, vet, vet, vet, . . . "Suddenly he stopped. "_Mein Gott_!" he cried: "_Dry_!"

Then he went on--"Vet, vet, vet, vet, . . . "

Presently he stopped again and mopped his brow. "_Himmel_!" he said. "Der son of a gun repeated!"

WILLIS--"What's the election today for? Anybody happen to know?"

GILLIS--"It is to determine whether we shall have a convention tonominate delegates who will be voted on as to whether they will attend acaucus which will decide whether we shall have a primary to determinewhether the people want to vote on this same question again nextyear. "--_Puck_. 

One year, when the youngsters of a certain Illinois village met for thepurpose of electing a captain of their baseball team for the comingseason, it appeared that there were an excessive number of candidatesfor the post, with more than the usual wrangling. 

Youngster after youngster presented his qualifications for the post; andthe matter was still undecided when the son of the owner of theball-field stood up. He was a small, snub-nosed lad, with a plentifulsupply of freckles, but he glanced about him with a dignified air ofcontrolling the situation. 

"I'm going to be captain this year, " he announced convincingly, "or elseFather's old bull is going to be turned into the field. "

He was elected unanimously. --_Fenimore Martin_. 

I consider biennial elections as a security that the sober secondthought of the people shall be law. --_Fisher Ames_. 

ELECTRICITY

In school a boy was asked this question in physics: "What is thedifference between lightning and electricity?"

And he answered: "Well, you don't have to pay for lightning. "

EMBARRASSING SITUATIONS

A young gentleman was spending the week-end at little Willie's cottageat Atlantic City, and on Sunday evening after dinner, there being ascarcity of chairs on the crowded piazza, the young gentleman tookWillie on his lap. 

Then, during a pause in the conversation, little Willie looked up at theyoung gentleman and piped:

"Am I as heavy as sister Mabel?"

The late Charles Coghlan was a man of great wit and resource. When hewas living in London, his wife started for an out-of-town visit. Forsome reason she found it necessary to return home, and on her waythither she saw her husband step out of a cab and hand a lady from it. Mrs. Coghlan confronted the pair. The actor was equal to the situation. 

"My dear, " he said to his wife, "allow me to present Miss Blank. Mrs. Coghlan, Miss Blank. "

The two bowed coldly while Coghlan quickly added:

"I know you ladies have ever so many things you want to say to eachother, so I will ask to be excused. "

He lifted his hat, stepped into the cab, and was whirled away. 

The evening callers were chatting gaily with the Kinterbys when a patterof little feet was heard from the head of the stairs. Mrs. Kinterbyraised her hand, warning the others to silence. 

"Hush!" she said, softly. "The children are going to deliver their'good-night' message. It always gives me a feeling of reverence to hearthem--they are so much nearer the Creator than we are, and they speakthe love that is in their little hearts never so fully as when the darkhas come. Listen!"

There was a moment of tense silence. Then--"Mama, " came the message in ashrill whisper, "Willy found a bedbug!"

"I was in an awkward predicament yesterday morning, " said a husband toanother. 

"How was that?"

"Why, I came home late, and my wife heard me and said, 'John, what timeis it?' and I said, 'Only twelve, my dear, ' and just then that cuckooclock of ours sang out three times. "

"What did you do?"

"Why, I just had to stand there and cuckoo nine times more. "

"Your husband will be all right now, " said an English doctor to a womanwhose husband was dangerously ill. 

"What do you mean?" demanded the wife. "You told me 'e couldn't live afortnight. "

"Well, I'm going to cure him, after all, " said the doctor. "Surely youare glad?"

The woman wrinkled her brows. 

"Puts me in a bit of an 'ole, " she said. "I've bin an' sold all 'isclothes to pay for 'is funeral. "

EMPLOYERS AND EMPLOYEES

"You want more money? Why, my boy, I worked three years for $11 a monthright in this establishment, and now I'm owner of it. "

"Well, you see what happened to your boss. No man who treats his helpthat way can hang on to his business. "

EARNEST YOUNG MAN--"Have you any advice to a struggling young employee?"

FRANK OLD GENTLEMAN--"Yes. Don't work. "

EARNEST YOUNG MAN--"Don't work?"

FRANK OLD GENTLEMAN--"No. Become an employer. "

General Benjamin F. Butler built a house in Washington on the same plansas his home in Lowell, Mass. , and his studies were furnished in exactlythe same way. He and his secretary, M. W. Clancy, afterward City Clerkof Washington for many years, were constantly traveling between the twoplaces. 

One day a senator called upon General Butler in Lowell and the next dayin Washington to find him and his secretary engaged upon the same workthat had occupied them in Massachusetts. 

"Heavens, Clancy, don't you ever stop?"

"No, " interposed General Butler, "'Satan finds some michief still For idle hands to do. '"

Clancy arose and bowed, saying:

"General, I never was sure until now what my employer was. I had heardthe rumor, but I always discredited it. "

W. J. ("Fingy") Conners, the New York politician, who is not precisely aChesterfield, secured his first great freight-handling contract when hewas a roustabout on the Buffalo docks. When the job was about to beginhe called a thousand burly "dock-wallopers" to order, as narrated by oneof his business friends:

"Now, " roared Conners, "yez are to worruk for me, and I want ivery manhere to understand what's what. I kin lick anny man in the gang. "

Nine hundred and ninety-nine swallowed the insult, but one huge, double-fisted warrior moved uneasily and stepping from the line he said"You can't lick me, Jim Conners. "

"I can't, can't I?" bellowed "Fingy. "

"No, you can't" was the determined response. 

"Oh, well, thin, go to the office and git your money, " said "Fingy. ""I'll have no man in me gang that I can't lick. "

Outside his own cleverness there is nothing that so delights Mr. Wigginsas a game of baseball, and when he gets a chance to exploit the two, both at the same time, he may be said to be the happiest man in theworld. Hence it was that the other day, when little red headed WillieMulligan, his office boy, came sniffing into his presence to ask for theafternoon off that he might attend his grandfather's funeral, Wigginsdeemed it a masterly stroke to answer:

"Why, certainly, Willie. What's more, my boy, if you'll wait for me I'llgo with you. "

"All right, sir, " sniffed Willie as he returned to his desk and waitedpatiently. 

And, lo and behold, poor little Willie had told the truth, and when heand Wiggins started out together the latter not only lost one of thebest games of the season, but had to attend the obsequies of an old ladyin whom he had no interest whatever as well. 

CHIEF CLERK (to office boy)--"Why on earth don't you laugh when the bosstells a joke?"

OFFICE BOY--"I don't have to; I quit on Saturday. "--_Satire_. 

James J. Hill, the Railway King, told the following amusing incidentthat happened on one of his roads:

"One of our division superintendents had received numerous complaintsthat freight trains were in the habit of stopping on a grade crossing ina certain small town, thereby blocking travel for long periods. Heissued orders, but still the complaints came in. Finally he decided toinvestigate personally. 

"A short man in size and very excitable, he went down to the crossing, and, sure enough, there stood, in defiance of his orders, a long freighttrain, anchored squarely across it. A brakeman who didn't know him bysight sat complacently on the top of the car. 

"'Move that train on!' sputtered the little 'super. ' 'Get it off thecrossing so people can pass. Move on, I say!'

"The brakeman surveyed the tempestuous little man from head to foot. 'You go to the deuce, you little shrimp, ' he replied. 'You're smallenough to crawl under. '"

ENEMIES

An old man who had led a sinful life was dying, and his wife sent for anear-by preacher to pray with him. 

The preacher spent some time praying and talking, and finally the oldman said: "What do you want me to do, Parson?"

"Renounce the Devil, renounce the Devil, " replied the preacher. 

"Well, but, Parson, " protested the dying man, "I ain't in position tomake any enemies. "

It is better to decide a difference between enemies than friends, forone of our friends will certainly become an enemy and one of our enemiesa friend. --_Bias_. 

 The world is large when its weary leagues two loving hearts divide; But the world is small when your enemy is loose on the other side. 

 --_John Boyle O'Reilly_. 

ENGLAND

_See_ Great Britain. 

ENGLISH LANGUAGE

A popular hotel in Rome has a sign in the elevator reading: "Please donot touch the Lift at your own risk. "

The class at Heidelberg was studying English conjugations, and each verbconsidered was used in a model sentence, so that the students would gainthe benefit of pronouncing the connected series of words, as well aslearning the varying forms of the verb. This morning it was the verb "tohave" in the sentence, "I have a gold mine. "

Herr Schmitz was called to his feet by Professor Wulff. 

"Conjugate 'do haff' in der sentence, 'I haff a golt mine, " theprofessor ordered. 

"I haff a golt mine, du hast a golt dein, he hass a golt hiss. Ve, youor dey haff a golt ours, yours or deirs, as de case may be. "

Language is the expression of ideas, and if the people of one countrycannot preserve an identity of ideas, they cannot retain an identity oflanguage. --_Noah Webster_. 

ENGLISHMEN

He who laughs last is an Englishman. --_Princeton Tiger_. 

Nat Goodwill was at the club with an English friend and became thecenter of an appreciative group. A cigar man offered the comedian acigar, saying that it was a new production. 

"With each cigar, you understand, " the promoter said, "I will give acoupon, and when you have smoked three thousand of them you may bringthe coupons to me and exchange them for a grand piano. "

Nat sniffed the cigar, pinched it gently, and then replied: "If I smokedthree thousand of these cigars I think I would need a harp instead of agrand piano. "

There was a burst of laughter in which the Englishman did not join, butpresently he exploded with merriment. "I see the point" he exclaimed. "Being an actor, you have to travel around the country a great deal anda harp would be so much more convenient to carry. "

ENTHUSIASM

Theodore Watts, says Charles Rowley in his book "Fifty Years of WorkWithout Wages, " tells a good story against himself. A nature enthusiast, he was climbing Snowdon, and overtook an old gypsy woman. He began todilate upon the sublimity of the scenery, in somewhat gushing phrases. The woman paid no attention to him. Provoked by her irresponsiveness, hesaid, "You don't seem to care for this magnificent scenery?" She tookthe pipe from her mouth and delivered this settler: "I enjies it; Idon't jabber. "

EPITAPHS

LITTLE CLARENCE--"Pa!"

HIS FATHER--"Well, my son?"

LITTLE CLARENCE--"I took a walk through the cemetery to-day and read theinscriptions on the tombstones. "

HIS FATHER--"And what were your thoughts after you had done so?"

LITTLE CLARENCE--"Why, pa, I wondered where all the wicked people wereburied. "--_Judge_. 

The widower had just taken his fourth wife and was showing her aroundthe village. Among the places visited was the churchyard, and the bridepaused before a very elaborate tombstone that had been erected by thebridegroom. Being a little nearsighted she asked him to read theinscription, and in reverent tones he read:

"Here lies Susan, beloved wife of John Smith; also Jane, beloved wife ofJohn Smith; also Mary, beloved wife of John Smith--"

He paused abruptly, and the bride, leaning forward to see the bottomline, read, to her horror:

"Be Ye Also Ready. "

A man wished to have something original on his wife's headstone and hitupon, "Lord, she was Thine. " He had his own ideas of the size of theletters and the space between words, and gave instructions to thestonemason. The latter carried them out all right, except that he couldnot get in the "E" in Thine. 

In a cemetery at Middlebury, Vt. , is a stone, erected by a widow to herloving husband, bearing this inscription: "Rest in peace--until we meetagain. "

An epitaph in an old Moravian cemetery reads thus:

 Remember, friend, as you pass by, As you are now, so once was I; As I am now thus you must be, So be prepared to follow me. 

There had been written underneath in pencil, presumably by some wag:

 To follow you I'm not content Till I find out which way you went. 

I expected it, but I didn't expect it quite so soon. --_Life_. 

 After Life's scarlet fever I sleep well. 

 Here lies the body of Sarah Sexton, Who never did aught to vex one. (Not like the woman under the next stone. )

As a general thing, the writer of epitaphs is a monumental liar. --_JohnE. Rosser_. 

 Maria Brown, Wife of Timothy Brown, aged 80 years. She lived with her husband fifty years, and died in the confident hope of a better life. 

Here lies the body of Enoch Holden, who died suddenly and unexpectedlyby being kicked to death by a cow. Well done, good and faithful servant!

A bereaved husband feeling his loss very keenly found it desirable todivert his mind by traveling abroad. Before his departure, however, heleft orders for a tombstone with the inscription:

 "The light of my life has gone out. "

Travel brought unexpected and speedy relief, and before the time for hisreturn he had taken another wife. It was then that he remembered theinscription, and thinking it would not be pleasing to his new wife, hewrote to the stone-cutter, asking that he exercise his ingenuity inadapting it to the new conditions. After his return he took his new wifeto see the tombstone and found that the inscription had been made toread:

 "The light of my life has gone out, But I have struck another match. "

 Here lies Bernard Lightfoot, Who was accidentally killed in the forty-fifth year of his age. This monument was erected by his grateful family. 

 I thought it mushroom when I found It in the woods, forsaken; But since I sleep beneath this mound, I must have been mistaken. 

On the tombstone of a Mr. Box appears this inscription: Here lies one Box within another. The one of wood was very good, We cannot say so much for t'other. 

 Nobles and heralds by your leave, Here lies what once was Matthew Prior; The son of Adam and of Eve; Can Bourbon or Nassau claim higher?

 --_Prior_. 

 Kind reader! take your choice to cry or laugh; Here Harold lies-but where's his Epitaph? If such you seek, try Westminster, and view Ten thousand, just as fit for him as you. 

 --_Byron_. 

I conceive disgust at these impertinent and misbecoming familiaritiesinscribed upon your ordinary tombstone. --_Charles Lamb_. 

EPITHETS

John Fiske, the historian, was once interrupted by his wife, whocomplained that their son had been very disrespectful to some neighbors. Mr. Fiske called the youngster into his study. 

"My boy, is it true that you called Mrs. Jones a fool?"

The boy hung his head. "Yes, father. " "And did you call Mr. Jones aworse fool?"

"Yes, father. "

Mr. Fiske frowned and pondered for a minute. Then he said:

"Well, my son, that is just about the distinction I should make. "

"See that man over there. He is a bombastic mutt, a windjammernonentity, a false alarm, and an encumberer of the earth!"

"Would you mind writing all that down for me?"

"Why in the world--"

"He's my husband, and I should like to use it on him some time. "

EQUALITY

As one of the White Star steamships came up New York harbor the otherday, a grimy coal barge floated immediately in front of her. "Clear outof the way with that old mud scow!" shouted an officer on the bridge. 

A round, sun-browned face appeared over the cabin hatchway. "Are ye thecaptain of that vessel?"

"No, " answered the officer. 

"Then spake to yer equals. I'm the captain o' this!" came from thebarge. 

ERMINE

 Said an envious, erudite ermine: "There's one thing I cannot determine: When a man wears my coat, He's a person of note, While I'm but a species of vermin!"

ESCAPES

There was once a chap who went skating too early and all of a suddenthat afternoon loud cries for help began to echo among the bleak hillsthat surrounded the skating pond. 

A farmer, cobbling his boots before his kitchen fire heard the shoutsand yells, and ran to the pond at break-neck speed. He saw a largeblack hole in the ice, and a pale young fellow stood with chatteringteeth shoulder-deep in the cold water. 

The farmer laid a board on the thin ice and crawled out on it to theedge of the hole. Then, extending his hand, he said:

"Here, come over this way, and I'll lift you out. "

"No, I can't swim, " was the impatient reply. "Throw a rope to me. Hurryup. It's cold in here. "

"I ain't got no rope, " said the farmer; and he added angrily. "What ifyou can't swim you can wade, I guess! The water's only up to yourshoulders. "

"Up to my shoulders?" said the young fellow. "It's eight feet deep ifit's an inch. I'm standing on the blasted fat man who broke the ice!"

ETHICS

 My ethical state, Were I wealthy and great, Is a subject you wish I'd reply on. Now who can foresee What his morals _might_ be? What would yours be if you were a lion?

 --_Martial; tr. By Paul Nixon_. 

ETIQUET

A Boston girl the other day said to a southern friend who was visitingher, as two men rose in a car to give them seats: "Oh, I wish they wouldnot do it. "

"Why not? I think it is very nice of them, " said her friend, settlingherself comfortably. 

"Yes, but one can't thank them, you know, and it is so awkward. "

"Can't thank them! Why not?"

"Why, you would not speak to a strange man, would you?" said the Bostonmaiden, to the astonishment of her southern friend. 

A little girl on the train to Pittsburgh was chewing gum. Not only that, but she insisted on pulling it out in long strings and letting it fallback into her mouth again. 

"Mabel!" said her mother in a horrified whisper. "Mabel, don't do that. Chew your gum like a little lady. "

LITTLE BROTHER--"What's etiquet?"

LITTLE BIGGER BROTHER--"It's saying 'No, thank you, ' when you want toholler 'Gimme!'"--_Judge_. 

 A Lady there was of Antigua, Who said to her spouse, "What a pig you are!" He answered, "My queen, Is it manners you mean, Or do you refer to my figure?"

 --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_. 

They were at dinner and the dainties were on the table. 

"Will you take tart or pudding?" asked Papa of Tommy. 

"Tart, " said Tommy promptly. 

His father sighed as he recalled the many lessons on manners he hadgiven the boy. 

"Tart, what?" he queried kindly. 

But Tommy's eyes were glued on the pastry. 

"Tart, what?" asked the father again, sharply this time. 

"Tart, first, " answered Tommy triumphantly. 

TOMMY'S AUNT--"Won't you have another piece of cake, Tommy?"

TOMMY (on a visit)--"No, I thank you. "

TOMMY'S AUNT--"You seem to be suffering from loss of appetite. "

TOMMY--"That ain't loss of appetite. What I'm sufferin' from ispoliteness. "

 There was a young man so benighted, He never knew when he was slighted; He would go to a party, And eat just as hearty, As if he'd been really invited. 

EUROPEAN WAR

OFFICER (as Private Atkins worms his way toward the enemy)--"You fool!Come back at once!"

TOMMY--"No bally fear, sir! There's a hornet in the trench. "--_Punch_. 

"You can tell an Englishman nowadays by the way he holds his head up. "

"Pride, eh?"

"No, Zeppelin neck. "

LITTLE GIRL (who has been sitting very still with a seraphicexpression)--"I wish I was an angel, mother!"

MOTHER--"What makes you say that, darling?"

LITTLE GIRL--"Because then I could drop bombs on the Germans!"--_Punch_. 

From a sailor's letter to his wife:

 "Dear Jane, --I am sending you a postal order for 10s. , which I hope you may get--but you may not--as this letter has to pass the Censor. "

--_Punch_. 

Two country darkies listened, awe-struck, while some planters discussedthe tremendous range of the new German guns. 

"Dar now, " exclaimed one negro, when his master had finished expatiatingon the hideous havoc wrought by a forty-two-centimeter shell, "jes' lakI bin tellin' yo' niggehs all de time! Don' le's have no guns lak demroun' heah! Why, us niggehs could start runnin' erway, run all day, gitalmos' home free, an' den git kilt jus' befo' suppeh!"

"Dat's de trufe, " assented his companion, "an' lemme tell yo' sumpin'else, Bo. All dem guns needs is jus' yo' _ad_-dress, dat's all; jes'giv' em de _ad_-dress an' they'll git yo'. "

_See also_ War. 

EVIDENCE

From a crowd of rah-rah college boys celebrating a crew victory, apoliceman had managed to extract two prisoners. 

"What is the charge against these young men?" asked the magistratebefore whom they were arraigned. 

"Disturbin' the peace, yer honor, " said the policeman. "They were givin'their college yells in the street an' makin' trouble generally. "

"What is your name?" the judge asked one of the prisoners. 

"Ro-ro-robert Ro-ro-rollins, " stuttered the youth. 

"I asked for your name, sir, not the evidence. "

 Maud Muller, on a summer night, Turned down the only parlor light. 

 The judge, beside her, whispered things Of wedding bells and diamond rings. 

 He spoke his love in burning phrase, And acted foolish forty ways. 

 When he had gone Maud gave a laugh And then turned off the dictagraph. 

--_Milwaukee Sentinel_. 

One day a hostess asked a well known Parisian judge: "Your Honor, whichdo you prefer, Burgundy or Bordeaux?"

"Madame, that is a case in which I have so much pleasure in taking theevidence that I always postpone judgment, " was the wily jurist's reply. 

_See also_ Courts; Witnesses. 

EXAMINATIONS

An instructor in a church school where much attention was paid to sacredhistory, dwelt particularly on the phrase "And Enoch was not, for Godtook him. " So many times was this repeated in connection with the deathof Enoch that he thought even the dullest pupil would answer correctlywhen asked in examination: State in the exact language of the Bible whatis said of Enoch's death. 

But this was the answer he got:

"Enoch was not what God took him for. "

A member of the faculty of the University of Wisconsin tells of someamusing replies made by a pupil undergoing an examination in English. The candidate had been instructed to write out examples of theindicative, the subjunctive, the potential and the exclamatory moods. His efforts resulted as follows:

"I am endeavoring to pass an English examination. If I answer twentyquestions I shall pass. If I answer twelve questions I may pass. Godhelp me!"

The following selection of mistakes in examinations may convince almostany one that there are some peaks of ignorance which he has yet toclimb:

Magna Charta said that the King had no right to bring soldiers into alady's house and tell her to mind them. 

Panama is a town of Colombo, where they are trying to make an isthmus. 

The three highest mountains in Scotland are Ben Nevis, Ben Lomond andBen Jonson. 

Wolsey saved his life by dying on the way from York to London. 

Bigamy is when a man tries to serve two masters. 

"Those melodious bursts that fill the spacious days of great Elizabeth"refers to the songs that Queen Elizabeth used to write in her sparetime. 

Tennyson wrote a poem called Grave's Energy. 

The Rump Parliament consisted entirely of Cromwell's stalactites. 

The plural of spouse is spice. 

Queen Elizabeth rode a white horse from Kenilworth through Coventry withnothing on, and Raleigh offered her his cloak. 

The law allowing only one wife is called monotony. 

When England was placed under an Interdict the Pope stopped all births, marriages and deaths for a year. 

The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. 

The gods of the Indians are chiefly Mahommed and Buddha, and in theirspare time they do lots of carving. 

Every one needs a holiday from one year's end to another. 

The Seven Great Powers of Europe are gravity, electricity, steam, gas, fly-wheels, and motors, and Mr. Lloyd George. 

The hydra was married to Henry VIII. When he cut off her head anothersprung up. 

Liberty of conscience means doing wrong and not worrying about itafterward. 

The Habeas Corpus act was that no one need stay in prison longer than heliked. 

Becket put on a camel-air shirt and his life at once became dangerous. 

The two races living in the north of Europe are Esquimaux andArchangels. 

Skeleton is what you have left when you take a man's insides out and hisoutsides off. 

Ellipsis is when you forget to kiss. 

A bishop without a diocese is called a suffragette. 

Artificial perspiration is the way to make a person alive when they areonly just dead. 

A night watchman is a man employed to sleep in the open air. 

The tides are caused by the sun drawing the water out and the moondrawing it in again. 

The liver is an infernal organ of the body. 

A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending. 

Triangles are of three kinds, the equilateral or three-sided, thequadrilateral or four-sided, and the multilateral or polyglot. 

General Braddock was killed in the Revolutionary War. He had threehorses shot under him and a fourth went through his clothes. 

A buttress is the wife of a butler. 

The young Pretender was so called because it was pretended that he wasborn in a frying-pan. 

A verb is a word which is used in order to make an exertion. 

A Passive Verb is when the subject is the sufferer, e. G. , I am loved. 

Lord Raleigh was the first man to see the invisible Armada. 

A schoolmaster is called a pedigree. 

The South of the U. S. A. Grows oranges, figs, melons and a greatquantity of preserved fruits, especially tinned meats. 

The wife of a Prime Minister is called a Primate. 

The Greeks were too thickly populated to be comfortable. 

The American war was started because the people would persist in sendingtheir parcels thru the post without stamps. 

Prince William was drowned in a butt of Malmsey wine; he never laughedagain. 

The heart is located on the west side of the body. 

Richard II is said to have been murdered by some historians; his realfate is uncertain. 

Subjects have a right to partition the king. 

A kaiser is a stream of hot water springin' up an' distubin' the earth. 

He had nothing left to live for but to die. 

Franklin's education was got by himself. He worked himself up to be agreat literal man. He was also able to invent electricity. Franklin'sfather was a tallow chandelier. 

Monastery is the place for monsters. 

Sir Walter Raleigh was put out once when his servant found him with firein his head. And one day after there had been a lot of rain, he threwhis cloak in a puddle and the queen stepped dryly over. 

The Greeks planted colonists for their food supplies. 

Nicotine is so deadly a poison that a drop on the end of a dog's tailwill kill a man. 

A mosquito is the child of black and white parents. 

An author is a queer animal because his tales (tails) come from hishead. 

Wind is air in a hurry. 

The people that come to America found Indians, but no people. 

Shadows are rays of darkness. 

Lincoln wrote the address while riding from Washington to Gettysburg onan envelope. 

Queen Elizabeth was tall and thin, but she was a stout protestant. 

An equinox is a man who lives near the north pole. 

An abstract noun is something we can think of but cannot feel--as a redhot poker. 

The population of New England is too dry for farming. 

Anatomy is the human body, which consists of three parts, the head, thechist, and the stummick. The head contains the eyes and brains, if any. The chist contains the lungs and a piece of the liver. The stummick isdevoted to the bowels, of which there are five, a, e, i, o, u, andsometimes w and y. 

Filigree means a list of your descendants. 

"The Complete Angler" was written by Euclid because he knew all aboutangles. 

The imperfect tense in French is used to express a future action in pasttime which does not take place at all. 

Arabia has many syphoons and very bad ones; It gets into your hair evenwith your mouth shut. 

The modern name for Gaul is vinegar. 

Some of the West India Islands are subject to torpedoes. 

The Crusaders were a wild and savage people until Peter the Hermitpreached to them. 

On the low coast plains of Mexico yellow fever is very popular. 

Louis XVI was gelatined during the French Revolution. 

Gender shows whether a man is masculine, feminine, or neuter. 

An angle is a triangle with only two sides. 

Geometry teaches us how to bisex angels. 

Gravitation is that which if there were none we should all fly away. 

A vacuum is a large empty space where the Pope lives. 

A deacon is the lowest kind of Christian. 

Vapor is dried water. 

The Salic law is that you must take everything with a grain of salt. 

The Zodiac is the Zoo of the sky, where lions, goats and other animalsgo after they are dead. 

The Pharisees were people who like to show off their goodness by prayingin synonyms. 

An abstract noun is something you can't see when you are looking at it. 

EXCUSES

The children had been reminded that they must not appear at school thefollowing week without their application blanks properly filled out asto names of parents, addresses, dates and place of birth. On Mondaymorning Katie Barnes arrived, the tears streaming down her cheeks. "Whatis the trouble?" Miss Green inquired, seeking to comfort her. "Oh, "sobbed the little girl, "I forgot my excuse for being born. "

O. Henry always retained the whimsical sense of humor which made himquickly famous. Shortly before his death he called on the cashier of aNew York publishing house, after vainly writing several times for acheck which had been promised as an advance on his royalties. 

"I'm sorry, " explained the cashier, "but Mr. Blank, who signs thechecks, is laid up with a sprained ankle. "

"But, my dear sir, " expostulated the author, "does he sign them with hisfeet?"

Strolling along the boardwalk at Atlantic City, Mr. Mulligan, thewealthy retired contractor, dropped a quarter through a crack in theplanking. A friend came along a minute later and found him squatteddown, industriously poking a two dollar bill through the treacherouscranny with his forefinger. 

"Mulligan, what the divvil ar-re ye doin'?" inquired the friend. 

"Sh-h, " said Mr. Mulligan, "I'm tryin' to make it wort' me while to tearup this board. "

A captain, inspecting his company one morning, came to an Irishman whoevidently had not shaved for several days. 

"Doyle, " he asked, "how is it that you haven't shaved this morning?"

"But Oi did, sor. "

"How dare you tell me that with the beard you have on your face?"

"Well, ye see, sor, " stammered Doyle, "there wus nine of us to one smallbit uv a lookin'-glass, an' it must be thot in th' gineral confusion Oishaved some other man's face. "

"Is that you, dear?" said a young husband over the telephone. "I justcalled up to say that I'm afraid I won't be able to get home to dinnerto-night, as I am detained at the office. "

"You poor dear, " answered the wife sympathetically. "I don't wonder. Idon't see how you manage to get anything done at all with that orchestraplaying in your office. Good-by. "

"What is the matter, dearest?" asked the mother of a small girl who hadbeen discovered crying in the hall. 

"Somfing awful's happened, Mother. "

"Well, what is it, sweetheart?"

"My d'doll-baby got away from me and broked a plate in the pantry. "

A poor casual laborer, working on a scaffolding, fell five stories tothe ground. As his horrified mates rushed down pell-mell to his aid, hepicked himself up, uninjured, from a great, soft pile of sand. 

"Say, fellers, " he murmured anxiously, "is the boss mad? Tell him I hadto come down anyway for a ball of twine. "

Cephas is a darky come up from Maryland to a border town inPennsylvania, where he has established himself as a handy man to do oddjobs. He is a good worker, and sober, but there are certain proclivitiesof his which necessitate a pretty close watch on him. Not long ago hewas caught with a chicken under his coat, and was haled to court toexplain its presence there. 

"Now, Cephas, " said the judge very kindly, "you have got into a newplace, and you ought to have new habits. We have been good to you andhelped you, and while we like you as a sober and industrious worker, this other business cannot be tolerated. Why did you take Mrs. Gilkie'schicken?"

Cephas was stumped, and he stood before the majesty of the law, rubbinghis head and looking ashamed of himself. Finally he answered:

"Deed, I dunno, Jedge, " he explained, "ceptin' 't is dat chickens ischickens and niggers is niggers. "

GRANDMA--"Johnny, I have discovered that you have taken more maple-sugarthan I gave you. "

JOHNNY--"Yes, Grandma, I've been making believe there was another littleboy spending the day with me. "

Mr. X was a prominent member of the B. P. O. E. At the breakfast table theother morning he was relating to his wife an incident that occurred atthe lodge the previous night. The president of the order offered a silkhat to the brother who could stand up and truthfully say that during hismarried life he had never kissed any woman but his own wife. "And, wouldyou believe it, Mary?--not a one stood up. " "George, " his wife said, "why didn't you stand up?" "Well, " he replied, "I was going to, but Iknow I look like hell in a silk hat. "

 And oftentimes excusing of a fault Doth make the fault the worse by the excuse, As patches set upon a little breach, Discredit more in hiding of the fault Than did the fault before it was so patched. 

 --_Shakespeare_. 

EXPOSURE

TRAMP--"Lady, I'm dying from exposure. "

WOMAN--"Are you a tramp, politician or financier?"--_Judge_. 

EXTORTION

_See_ Dressmakers. 

EXTRAVAGANCE

 There was a young girl named O'Neill, Who went up in the great Ferris wheel; But when half way around She looked at the ground, And it cost her an eighty-cent meal. 

Everybody knew that John Polkinhorn was the carelessest man in town, butnobody ever thought he was careless enough to marry Susan Rankin, seeing that he had known her for years. For awhile they got along fairlywell but one day after five years of it John hung himself in the attic, where Susan used to dry the wash on rainy days, and a carpenter, whowent up to the roof to do some repairs, found him there. He told Susan, and Susan hurried up to see about it, and, sure enough, the carpenterwas right. She stood looking at her late husband for about aminute--kind of dazed, the carpenter thought--then she spoke. 

"Well, I declare!" she exclaimed. "If he hasn't used my newclothes-line, and the old would have done every bit as well! But, ofcourse, that's just like John Polkinhorn. "

"The editor of my paper, " declared the newspaper business manager to alittle coterie of friends, "is a peculiar genius. Why, would you believeit, when he draws his weekly salary he keeps out only one dollar forspending money and sends the rest to his wife in Indianapolis!"

His listeners--with one exception, who sat silent and reflective--gavevent to loud murmurs of wonder and admiration. 

"Now, it may sound thin, " added the speaker, "but it is true, nevertheless. "

"Oh, I don't doubt it at all!" quickly rejoined the quiet one; "I wasonly wondering what he does with the dollar!"

An Irish soldier was recently given leave of absence the morning afterpay day. When his leave expired he didn't appear. He was brought at lastbefore the commandant for sentence, and the following dialogue isrecorded:

"Well, Murphy, you look as if you had had a severe engagement. "

"Yes, sur. "

"Have you any money left?"

"No, sur. "

"You had $35 when you left the fort, didn't you?"

"Yes, sur. "

"What did you do with it?"

"Well, sur, I was walking along and I met a friend, and we went into aplace and spint $8. Thin we came out and I met another friend and wespint $8 more, and thin I come out and we met another friend and wespint $8 more, and thin we come out and we met another bunch of friends, and I spint $8 more--and thin I come home. "

"But, Murphy, that makes only $32. What did you do with the other $3?"Murphy thought. Then he shook his head slowly and said:

"I dunno, colonel, I reckon I must have squandered that moneyfoolishly. "

FAILURES

Little Ikey came up to his father with a very solemn face. "Is it true, father, " he asked, "that marriage is a failure?"

His father surveyed him thoughtfully for a moment. "Well, Ikey, " hefinally replied, "If you get a rich wife, it's almost as good as afailure. "

FAITH

Faith is that quality which leads a man to expect that his flowers andgarden will resemble the views shown on the seed packets. --_Country Lifein America_. 

"What is faith, Johnny?" asks the Sunday school teacher. 

"Pa says, " answers Johnny, "that it's readin' in the papers that theprice o' things has come down, an expectin' to find it true when thebills comes in. "

Faith is believing the dentist when he says it isn't going to hurt. 

"As I understand it, Doctor, if I believe I'm well, I'll be well. Isthat the idea?"

"It is. "

"Then, if you believe you are paid, I suppose you'll be paid. "

"Not necessarily. "

"But why shouldn't faith work as well in one case as in the other?"

"Why, you see, there is considerable difference between having faith inProvidence and having faith in you. "--_Horace Zimmerman_. 

Mother had been having considerable argument with her infant daughter asto whether the latter was going to be left alone in a dark room to go tosleep. As a clincher, the mother said: "There is no reason at all whyyou should be afraid. Remember that God is here all the time, and, besides, you have your dolly. Now go to sleep like a good little girl. "Twenty minutes later a wail came from upstairs, and mother went to thefoot of the stairs to pacify her daughter. "Don't cry, " she said;"remember what I told you--God is there with you and you have yourdolly. " "But I don't want them, " wailed the baby; "I want you, muvver; Iwant somebody here that has got a skin face on them. "

 Faith is a fine invention For gentlemen who see; But Microscopes are prudent In an emergency. 

 --_Emily Dickinson_. 

FAITHFULNESS

A wizened little Irishman applied for a job loading a ship. At firstthey said he was too small, but he finally persuaded them to give him atrial. He seemed to be making good, and they gradually increased thesize of his load until on the last trip he was carrying a 300-poundanvil under each arm. When he was half-way across the gangplank it brokeand the Irishman fell in. With a great splashing and spluttering he cameto the surface. 

"T'row me a rope, I say!" he shouted again. Once more he sank. A thirdtime he rose struggling. 

"Say!" he spluttered angrily, "if one uv you shpalpeens don't hurry upan' t'row me a rope I'm goin' to drop one uv these damn t'ings!"

FAME

Fame is the feeling that you are the constant subject of admiration onthe part of people who are not thinking of you. 

Many a man thinks he has become famous when he has merely happened tomeet an editor who was hard up for material. 

Were not this desire of fame very strong, the difficulty of obtainingit, and the danger of losing it when obtained, would be sufficient todeter a man from so vain a pursuit. --_Addison_. 

FAMILIES

"Yes, sir, our household represents the United Kingdom of GreatBritain, " said the proud father of number one to the rector. "I amEnglish, my wife's Irish, the nurse is Scotch and the baby wails. "

Mrs. O'Flarity is a scrub lady, and she had been absent from her dutiesfor several days. Upon her return her employer asked her the reason forher absence. 

"Sure, I've been carin' for wan of me sick children, " she replied. 

"And how many children have you, Mrs. O'Flarity?" he asked. 

"Siven in all, " she replied. "Four by the third wife of me secondhusband; three by the second wife of me furst. "

A man descended from an excursion train and was wearily making his wayto the street-car, followed by his wife and fourteen children, when apoliceman touched him on the shoulder and said:

"Come along wid me. "

"What for?"

"Blamed if I know; but when ye're locked up I'll go back and find outwhy that crowd was following ye. "

FAREWELLS

 Happy are we met, Happy have we been, Happy may we part, and Happy meet again. 

A dear old citizen went to the cars the other day to see his daughteroff on a journey. Securing her a seat he passed out of the car and wentaround to the car window to say a last parting word. While he wasleaving the car the daughter crossed the aisle to speak to a friend, andat the same time a grim old maid took the seat and moved up to thewindow. 

Unaware of the change the old gentleman hurriedly put his head up to thewindow and said: "One more kiss, pet. "

In another instant the point of a cotton umbrella was thrust from thewindow, followed by the wrathful injunction: "Scat, you gray-headedwretch!"

"I am going to make my farewell tour in Shakespeare. What shall be theplay? Hamlet? Macbeth?"

"This is your sixth farewell tour, I believe. "

"Well, yes. "

"I would suggest 'Much Adieu About Nothing'. "

 "Farewell!" For in that word--that fatal word--howe'er We promise--hope--believe--there breathes despair. 

 --_Byron_. 

FASHION

There are two kinds of women: The fashionable ones and those who arecomfortable. --_Tom P. Morgan_. 

There had been a dressmaker in the house and Minnie had listened to longdiscussions about the very latest fashions. That night when she said herprayers, she added a new petition, uttered with unwonted fervency:

"And, dear Lord, please make us all very stylish. "

 Nothing is thought rare Which is not new, and follow'd; yet we know That what was worn some twenty years ago Comes into grace again. 

 --_Beaumont and Fletcher_. 

As good be out of the World as out of the Fashion. --_Colley Cibber_. 

FATE

 Fate hit me very hard one day. I cried: "What is my fault? What have I done? What causes, pray, This unprovoked assault?" She paused, then said: "Darned if I know; I really can't explain. " Then just before she turned to go She whacked me once again!

 --_La Touche Hancock_. 

 So in the Libyan fable it is told That once an eagle stricken with a dart, Said, when he saw the fashion of the shaft, "With our own feathers, not by others' hands, Are we now smitten. "

 --_Aeschylus_. 

FATHERS

A director of one of the great transcontinental railroads was showinghis three-year-old daughter the pictures in a work on natural history. Pointing to a picture of a zebra, he asked the baby to tell him what itrepresented. Baby answered "Coty. "

Pointing to a picture of a tiger in the same way, she answered "Kitty. "Then a lion, and she answered "Doggy. " Elated with her seeming quickperception, he then turned to the picture of a Chimpanzee and said:

"Baby, what is this?"

"Papa. "

FAULTS

 Women's faults are many, Men have only two-- Everything they say, And everything they do. 

 --_Le Crabbe_. 

FEES

_See_ Tips. 

FEET

BIG MAN (with a grouch)--"Will you be so kind as to get off my feet?"

LITTLE MAN (with a bundle)--"I'll try, sir. Is it much of a walk?"

FIGHTING

"Who gave ye th' black eye, Jim?"

"Nobody give it t' me; I had t' fight fer it. "--_Life_. 

"There! You have a black eye, and your nose is bruised, and your coat istorn to bits, " said Mamma, as her youngest appeared at the door. "Howmany times have I told you not to play with that bad Jenkins boy?"

"Now, look here, Mother, " said Bobby, "do I look as if we'd beenplaying?"

Two of the leading attorneys of Memphis, who had been warm friends foryears, happened to be opposing counsel in a case some time ago. Theolder of the two was a man of magnificent physique, almost six feetfour, and built in proportion, while the younger was barely five feetand weighed not more than ninety pounds. 

In the course of his argument the big man unwittingly made some remarkthat aroused the ire of his small adversary. A moment later he felt agreat pulling and tugging at his coat tails. Looking down, he wasgreatly astonished to see his opponent wildly gesticulating and dancingaround him. 

"What on earth are you trying to do there, Dudley?" he asked. 

"By Gawd, suh, I'm fightin', suh!"

An Irishman boasted that he could lick any man in Boston, yes, Massachusetts, and finally he added New England. When he came to, hesaid: "I tried to cover too much territory. "

"Dose Irish make me sick, alvays talking about vat gread fighders deyare, " said a Teutonic resident of Hoboken, with great contempt. "Vhy, atMinna's vedding der odder night dot drunken Mike O'Hooligan butted in, und me und mein bruder, und mein cousin Fritz und mein frient LouieHartmann--vhy, we pretty near kicked him oudt of der house!"

VILLAGE GROCER--"What are you running for, sonny?"

BOY--"I'm tryin' to keep two fellers from fightin'. "

VILLAGE GROCER--"Who are the fellows?"

BOY--"Bill Perkins and me!"--_Puck_. 

An aged, gray-haired and very wrinkled old woman, arrayed in theoutlandish calico costume of the mountains, was summoned as a witness incourt to tell what she knew about a fight in her house. She took thewitness-stand with evidences of backwardness and proverbial Bourbonverdancy. The Judge asked her in a kindly voice what took place. Sheinsisted it did not amount to much, but the Judge by his persistencyfinally got her to tell the story of the bloody fracas. 

"Now, I tell ye, Jedge, it didn't amount to nuthn'. The fust I knowedabout it was when Bill Saunder called Tom Smith a liar, en Tom knockedhim down with a stick o' wood. One o' Bill's friends then cut Tom with aknife, slicin' a big chunk out o' him. Then Sam Jones, who was a friendof Tom's, shot the other feller and two more shot him, en three or fourothers got cut right smart by somebody. That nachly caused someexcitement, Jedge, en then they commenced fightin'. "

"Do you mean to say such a physical wreck as he gave you that blackeye?" asked the magistrate. 

"Sure, your honor, he wasn't a physical wreck till after he gave me theblack eye, " replied the complaining wife. --_London Telegraph_. 

A pessimistic young man dining alone in a restaurant ordered broiledlive lobster. When the waiter put it on the table it was obviously minusone claw. The pessimistic young man promptly kicked. The waiter said itwas unavoidable--there had been a fight in the kitchen between twolobsters. The other one had torn off one of the claws of this lobsterand had eaten it. The young man pushed the lobster over toward thewaiter. "Take it away, " he said wearily, "and bring me the winner. "

There never was a good war or a bad peace. --_Benjamin Franklin_. 

The master-secret in fighting is to strike once, but in the rightplace. --_John C. Snaith_. 

FINANCE

 Willie had a savings bank; 'Twas made of painted tin. He passed it 'round among the boys, Who put their pennies in. 

 Then Willie wrecked that bank and bought Sweetmeats and chewing gum. And to the other envious lads He never offered some. 

 "What will we do?" his mother said: "It is a sad mischance. " His father said: "We'll cultivate His gift for high finance. "

 --_Washington Star_. 

HICKS--"I've got to borrow $200 somewhere. "

WICKS--"Take my advice and borrow $300 while you are about it. "

"But I only need $200. "

"That doesn't make any difference. Borrow $300 and pay back $100 of itin two installments at intervals of a month or so. Then the man that youborrow from will think he is going to get the rest of it. "

It is said J. P. Morgan could raise $10, 000, 000 on his check any minute;but the man who is raising a large family on $9 a week is a greaterfinancier than Morgan. 

To modernize an old prophecy, "out of the mouths of babes shall comemuch worldly wisdom. " Mr. K. Has two boys whom he dearly loves. One dayhe gave each a dollar to spend. After much bargaining, they brought homea wonderful four-wheeled steamboat and a beautiful train of cars. Forawhile the transportation business flourished, and all was well, but oneday Craig explained to his father that while business had been good, hecould do much better if he only had the capital to buy a train of carslike Joe's. His arguments must have been good, for the money wasforthcoming. Soon after, little Toe, with probably less logic but moreloving, became possessed of a dollar to buy a steamboat like Craig's. But Mr. K. , who had furnished the additional capital, looked in vain forthe improved service. The new rolling stock was not in evidence, andexplanations were vague and unsatisfactory, as is often the case in therailroad game at which men play. It took a stern court of inquiry todevelop the fact that the railroad and steamship had simply changedhands--and at a mutual profit of one hundred per cent. And Mr. K. , as hetold his neighbor, said it was worth that much to know that his boyswould not need much of a legacy from him. --_P. A. Kershaw_. 

An old artisan who prided himself on his ability to drive a closebargain contracted to paint a huge barn in the neighborhood for thesmall sum of twelve dollars. 

"Why on earth did you agree to do it for so little?" his brotherinquired. 

"Well, " said the old painter, "you see, the owner is a mighty onreliableman. If I'd said I'd charge him twenty-five dollars, likely he'd haveonly paid me nineteen. And if I charge him twelve dollars, he may notpay me but nine. So I thought it over, and decided to paint it fortwelve dollars, so I wouldn't lose so much. "

FINGER-BOWLS

MISTRESS (to new servant)--"Why, Bridget, this is the third time I'vehad to tell you about the finger-bowls. Didn't the lady you last workedfor have them on the table?"

BRIDGET--"No, mum; her friends always washed their hands before theycame. "

FIRE DEPARTMENTS

Clang, clatter, bang! Down the street came the fire engines. 

Driving along ahead, oblivious of any danger, was a farmer in aramshackle old buggy. A policeman yelled at him: "Hi there, look out!The fire department's coming. "

Turning in by the curb the farmer watched the hose cart, salvage wagonand engine whiz past. Then he turned out into the street again and droveon. Barely had he started when the hook and ladder came tearing along. The rear wheel of the big truck slewed into the farmer's buggy, smashingit to smithereens and sending the farmer sprawling into the gutter. Thepoliceman ran to his assistance. 

"Didn't I tell ye to keep out of the way?" he demanded crossly. "Didn'tI tell ye the fire department was comin"?"

"Wall, consarn ye, " said the peeved farmer, "I _did_ git outer the wayfor th' fire department. But what in tarnation was them drunken paintersin sech an all-fired hurry fer?"

Two Irishmen fresh from Ireland had just landed in New York and engageda room in the top story of a hotel. Mike, being very sleepy, threwhimself on the bed and was soon fast asleep. The sights were so new andstrange to Pat that he sat at the window looking out. Soon an alarm offire was rung in and a fire-engine rushed by throwing up sparks of fireand clouds of smoke. This greatly excited Pat, who called to his comradeto get up and come to the window, but Mike was fast asleep. Anotherengine soon followed the first, spouting smoke and fire like the former. This was too much for poor Pat, who rushed excitedly to the bedside, andshaking his friend called loudly:

"Mike, Mike, wake up! They are moving Hell, and two loads have gone byalready. "

FIRE ESCAPES

Fire escape: A steel stairway on the exterior of a building, erectedafter a FIRE to ESCAPE the law. 

FIRES

"Ikey, I hear you had a fire last Thursday. "

"Sh! Next Thursday. "

FIRST AID IN ILLNESS AND INJURY

The father of the family hurried to the telephone and called up thefamily physician. "Our little boy is sick, Doctor, " he said, "so pleasecome at once. "

"I can't get over much under an hour, " said the doctor. 

"Oh please do, Doctor. You see, my wife has a book on 'What to Do Beforethe Doctor Comes, ' and I'm so afraid she'll do it before you get here!"

NURSE GIRL--"Oh, ma'am, what shall I do? The twins have fallen down thewell!"

FOND PARENT--"Dear me! how annoying! Just go into the library and getthe last number of _The Modern Mother's Magazine_; it contains anarticle on 'How to Bring Up Children. '"

SURGEON AT NEW YORK HOSPITAL--"What brought you to this dreadfulcondition? Were you run over by a street-car?"

PATIENT--"No, sir; I fainted, and was brought to by a member of theSociety of First Aid to the Injured. "--_Life_. 

A prominent physician was recently called to his telephone by a coloredwoman formerly in the service of his wife. In great agitation the womanadvised the physician that her youngest child was in a bad way. 

"What seems to be the trouble?" asked the doctor. 

"Doc, she done swallered a bottle of ink!"

"I'll be over there in a short while to see her, " said the doctor. "Haveyou done anything for her?"

"I done give her three pieces o' blottin'-paper, Doc, " said the coloredwoman doubtfully. 

FISH

A man went into a restaurant recently and said, "Give me a half dozenfried oysters. "

"Sorry, sah, " answered the waiter, "but we's all out o' shell fish, sah, 'ceptin' eggs. "

Little Elizabeth and her mother were having luncheon together, and themother, who always tried to impress facts upon her young daughter, said:

"These little sardines, Elizabeth, are sometimes eaten by the largerfish. "

Elizabeth gazed at the sardines in wonder, and then asked:

"But, mother, how do the large fish get the cans open?"

FISHERMEN

At the birth of President Cleveland's second child no scales could befound to weigh the baby. Finally the scales that the President alwaysused to weigh the fish he caught on his trips were brought up from thecellar, and the child was found to weigh twenty-five pounds. 

"Doin' any good?" asked the curious individual on the bridge. 

"Any good?" answered the fisherman, in the creek below. "Why I caughtforty bass out o' here yesterday. "

"Say, do you know who I am?" asked the man on the bridge. 

The fisherman replied that he did not. 

"Well, I am the county fish and game warden. "

The angler, after a moment's thought, exclaimed, "Say, do you know who Iam?"

"No, " the officer replied. 

"Well, I'm the biggest liar in eastern Indiana, " said the crafty angler, with a grin. 

A young lady who had returned from a tour through Italy with her fatherinformed a friend that he liked all the Italian cities, but most of allhe loved Venice. 

"Ah, Venice, to be sure!" said the friend. "I can readily understandthat your father would like Venice, with its gondolas, and St. Marksesand Michelangelos. "

"Oh, no, " the young lady interrupted, "it wasn't that. He liked itbecause he could sit in the hotel and fish from the window. "

Smith the other day went fishing. He caught nothing, so on his way backhome he telephoned to his provision dealer to send a dozen of bassaround to his house. 

He got home late himself. His wife said to him on his arrival:

"Well, what luck?"

"Why, splendid luck, of course, " he replied. "Didn't the boy bring thatdozen bass I gave him?"

Mrs. Smith started. Then she smiled. 

"Well, yes, I suppose he did, " she said. "There they are. "

And she showed poor Smith a dozen bottles of Bass's ale. 

"You'll be a man like one of us some day, " said the patronizingsportsman to a lad who was throwing his line into the same stream. 

"Yes, sir, " he answered, "I s'pose I will some day, but I b'lieve I'drather stay small and ketch a few fish. "

The more worthless a man, the more fish he can catch. 

As no man is born an artist, so no man is born an angler. --_IzaakWalton_. 

FISHING

A man was telling some friends about a proposed fishing trip to a lakein Colorado which he had in contemplation. 

"Are there any trout out there?" asked one friend. 

"Thousands of 'em, " replied Mr. Wharry. 

"Will they bite easily?" asked another friend. 

"Will they?" said Mr. Wharry. "Why they're absolutely vicious. A man hasto hide behind a tree to bait a hook. "

"I got a bite--I got a bite!" sang out a tiny girl member of a fishingparty. But when an older brother hurriedly drew in the line there wasonly a bare hook. "Where's the fish?" he asked. "He unbit and div, " saidthe child. 

The late Justice Brewer was with a party of New York friends on afishing trip in the Adirondacks, and around the camp fire one eveningthe talk naturally ran on big fish. When it came his turn the juristbegan, uncertain as to how he was going to come out:

"We were fishing one time on the Grand Banks for--er--for--"

"Whales, " somebody suggested. 

"No, " said the Justice, "we were baiting with whales. "

"Lo, Jim! Fishin'?"

"Naw; drowning worms. "

We may say of angling as Dr. Boteler said of strawberries: "DoubtlessGod could have made a better berry, but doubtless God never did"; and so(if I might be judge), God never did make a more calm, quiet, innocentrecreation than angling. --_Izaak Walton_. 

FLATS

"Hello, Tom, old man, got your new flat fitted up yet?"

"Not quite, " answered the friend. "Say, do you know where I can buy afolding toothbrush?"

She hadn't told her mother yet of their first quarrel, but she tookrefuge in a flood of tears. 

"Before we were married you said you'd lay down your life for me, " shesobbed. 

"I know it, " he returned solemnly; "but this confounded flat is so tinythat there's no place to lay anything down. "

FLATTERY

With a sigh she laid down the magazine article upon Daniel O'Connell. "The day of great men, " she said, "is gone forever. "

"But the day of beautiful women is not, " he responded. 

She smiled and blushed. "I was only joking, " she explained, hurriedly. 

MAGISTRATE (about to commit for trial)--"You certainly effected therobbery in a remarkably ingenious way; in fact, with quite exceptionalcunning. "

PRISONER--"Now, yer honor, no flattery, please; no flattery, I begsyer. "

OLD MAID--"But why should a great strong man like you be found begging?"

WAYFARER--"Dear lady, it is the only profession I know in which agentleman can address a beautiful woman without an introduction. "

William ---- was said to be the ugliest, though the most lovable, man inLouisiana. On returning to the plantation after a short absence, hisbrother said:

"Willie, I met in New Orleans a Mrs. Forrester who is a great admirer ofyours. She said, though, that it wasn't so much the brillancy of yourmental attainments as your marvelous physical and facial beauty whichcharmed and delighted her. "

"Edmund, " cried William earnestly, "that is a wicked lie, but tell it tome again!"

"You seem to be an able-bodied man. You ought to be strong enough towork. "

"I know, mum. And you seem to be beautiful enough to go on the stage, but evidently you prefer the simple life. "

After that speech he got a square meal and no reference to the woodpile. 

 O, that men's ears should be To counsel deaf, but not to flattery!

 --_Shakespeare_. 

FLIES

_See_ Pure food. 

FLIRTATION

It sometimes takes a girl a long time to learn that a flirtation isattention without intention. 

"There's a belief that summer girls are always fickle. "

"Yes, I got engaged on that theory, but it looks as if I'm in for awedding or a breach of promise suit. "

A teacher in one of the primary grades of the public school had noticeda striking platonic friendship that existed between Tommy and littleMary, two of her pupils. 

Tommy was a bright enough youngster, but he wasn't disposed to prosecutehis studies with much energy, and his teacher said that unless hestirred himself before the end of the year he wouldn't be promoted. 

"You must study harder, " she told him, "or you won't pass. How would youlike to stay back in this class another year and have little Mary goahead of you?"

"Ah, " said Tommy. "I guess there'll be other little Marys. "

FLOWERS

Lulu was watching her mother working among the flowers. "Mama, I knowwhy flowers grow, " she said; "they want to get out of the dirt. "

FOOD

A man went into a southern restaurant not long ago and asked for a pieceof old-fashioned Washington pie. The waiter, not understanding and yetunwilling to concede his lack of knowledge, brought the customer a pieceof chocolate cake. 

"No, no, my friend, " said the smiling man. "I meant _George_ Washington, not _Booker_ Washington. "

One day a pastor was calling upon a dear old lady, one of the "pillars"of the church to which they both belonged. As he thought of her long anduseful life, and looked upon her sweet, placid countenance bearing butfew tokens of her ninety-two years of earthly pilgrimage, he was movedto ask her, "My dear Mrs. S. , what has been the chief source of yourstrength and sustenance during all these years? What has appealed to youas the real basis of your unusual vigor of mind and body, and has beento you an unfailing comfort through joy and sorrow? Tell me, that I maypass the secret on to others, and, if possible, profit by it myself. "

The old lady thought a moment, then lifting her eyes, dim with age, yetkindling with sweet memories of the past, answered briefly, "Victuals. "--_Sarah L. Tenney_. 

A girl reading in a paper that fish was excellent brain-food wrote tothe editor:

_Dear Sir_: Seeing as you say how fish is good for the brains, what kindof fish shall I eat?

To this the editor replied:

_Dear Miss_: Judging from the composition of your letter I should adviseyou to eat a whale. 

A hungry customer seated himself at a table in a quick-lunch restaurantand ordered a chicken pie. When it arrived he raised the lid and satgazing at the contents intently for a while. Finally he called thewaiter. 

"Look here, Sam, " he said, "what did I order?"

"Chicken pie, sah. "

"And what have you brought me?"

"Chicken pie, sah. "

"Chicken pie, you black rascal!" the customer replied. "Chicken pie?Why, there's not a piece of chicken in it, and never was. "

"Dat's right, boss--dey ain't no chicken in it. "

"Then why do you call it chicken pie? I never heard of such a thing. "

"Dat's all right, boss. Dey don't have to be no chicken in a chickenpie. Dey ain't no dog in a dog biscuit, is dey?"

_See also_ Dining. 

FOOTBALL

His SISTER--"His nose seems broken. "

His FIANCEE--"And he's lost his front teeth. "

His MOTHER--"But he didn't drop the ball!"--_Life_. 

FORDS

A boy stood with one foot on the sidewalk and the other on the step of aFord automobile. A playmate passed him, looked at his position, thensang out: "Hey, Bobbie, have you lost your other skate?"

A farmer noticing a man in automobile garb standing in the road andgazing upward, asked him if he were watching the birds. 

"No, " he answered, "I was cranking my Ford car and my hand slipped offand the thing got away and went straight up in the air. "

FORECASTING

A lady in a southern town was approached by her colored maid. 

"Well, Jenny?" she asked, seeing that something was in the air. 

"Please, Mis' Mary, might I have the aft'noon off three weeks frumWednesday?" Then, noticing an undecided look in her mistress's face, sheadded hastily--"I want to go to my finance's fun'ral. "

"Goodness me, " answered the lady--"Your finance's funeral! Why, youdon't know that he's even going to die, let alone the date of hisfuneral. That is something we can't any of us be sure about--when we aregoing to die. "

"Yes'm, " said the girl doubtfully. Then, with a triumphant note in hervoice--"I'se sure about him, Mis', 'cos he's goin' to be hung!"

FORESIGHT

"They tell me you're working 'ard night an' day, Sarah?" her bosomfriend Ann said. 

"Yes, " returned Sarah. "I'm under bonds to keep the peace for pullin'the whiskers out of that old scoundrel of a husban' of mine, and theMagistrate said that if I come afore 'im ag'in, or laid me 'ands on theold man, he'd fine me forty shillin's!"

"And so you're working 'ard to keep out of mischief?"

"Not much; I'm workin' 'ard to save up the fine!"

"Mike, I wish I knew where I was goin' to die. I'd give a thousanddollars to know the place where I'm goin' to die. "

"Well, Pat, what good would it do if yez knew?"

"Lots, " said Pat. "Shure I'd never go near that place. "

 There once was a pious young priest, Who lived almost wholly on yeast; "For, " he said, "it is plain We must all rise again, And I want to get started, at least. "

FORGETFULNESS

_See_ Memory. 

FORTUNE HUNTERS

HER FATHER--"So my daughter has consented to become your wife. Have youfixed the day of the wedding?"

SUITOR--"I will leave that to my fiancée. "

H. F. --"Will you have a church or a private wedding?"

S. --"Her mother can decide that, sir. "

H. F. --"What have you to live on?"

S. --"I will leave that entirely to you, sir. "

The London consul of a continental kingdom was informed by hisgovernment that one of his countrywomen, supposed to be living in GreatBritain, had been left a large fortune. After advertising withoutresult, he applied to the police, and a smart young detective was set towork. A few weeks later his chief asked how he was getting on. 

"I've found the lady, sir. "

"Good! Where is she?"

"At my place. I married her yesterday. "

"I would die for you, " said the rich suitor. 

"How soon?" asked the practical girl. 

HE--"I'd like to meet Miss Bond. "

SHE--"Why?"

"I hear she has thirty thousand a year and no incumbrance. "

"Is she looking for one?"--_Life_. 

MAUDE--"I've just heard of a case where a man married a girl on hisdeathbed so she could have his millions when he was gone. Could you lovea girl like that?"

JACK--"That's just the kind of a girl I could love. What's her address?"

"Yes, " said the old man to his young visitor, "I am proud of my girls, and would like to see them comfortably married, and as I have made alittle money they will not go penniless to their husbands. There isMary, twenty-five years old, and a really good girl. I shall give her$1, 000 when she marries. Then comes Bet, who won't see thirty-fiveagain, and I shall give her $3, 000, and the man who takes Eliza, who isforty, will have $5, 000 with her. "

The young man reflected for a moment and then inquired: "You haven't oneabout fifty, have you?"

FOUNTAIN PENS

"Fust time you've ever milked a cow, is it?" said Uncle Josh to hisvisiting nephew. "Wal, y' do it a durn sight better'n most city fellersdo. "

"It seems to come natural somehow, " said the youth, flushing withpleasure. "I've had a good deal of practice with a fountain pen. "

"Percy" asks if we know anything which will change the color of thefingers when they have become yellow from cigarette smoking. 

He might try using one of the inferior makes of fountain pens. 

FOURTH OF JULY

"You are in favor of a safe and sane Fourth of July?"

"Yes, " replied Mr. Growcher. "We ought to have that kind of a day atleast once a year. "

One Fourth of July night in London, the Empire Music Hall advertisedspecial attractions to American visitors. All over the auditorium theUnion Jack and Stars and Stripes enfolded one another, and at theinterludes were heard "Yankee Doodle" and "Hail Columbia, " while aquartette sang "Down upon the Swanee River. " It was an occasion to swellthe heart of an exiled patriot. Finally came the turn of the HumanEncyclopedia, who advanced to the front of the stage and announcedhimself ready to answer, sight unseen, all questions the audience mightpropound. A volley of queries was fired at him, and the Encyclopediabreathlessly told the distance of the earth from Mars, the number ofbones in the human skeleton, of square miles in the British Empire, andother equally important facts. There was a brief pause, in which anAmerican stood up. 

"What great event took place July 4, 1776?" he propounded in a loud gladvoice. 

The Human Encyclopedia glared at him. "Th' hincident you speak of, sir, was a hinfamous houtrage!"

FREAKS

_See_ Husbands. 

FREE THOUGHT

TOMMY--"Pop, what is a freethinker?"

POP--"A freethinker, my son, is any man who isn't married. "

FRENCH LANGUAGE

"I understand you speak French like a native. "

"No, " replied the student; "I've got the grammar and the accent downpretty fine. But it's hard to learn the gestures. "

In Paris last summer a southern girl was heard to drawl between the actsof "Chantecler": "I think it's mo' fun when you don't understand French. It sounds mo' like chickens!"--_Life_. 

FRESHMEN

_See_ College Students. 

FRIENDS

 The Lord gives our relatives, Thank God we can choose our friends. 

"Father. "

"Well, what is it?"

"It says here, 'A man is known by the company he keeps. 'Is that so, Father?"

"Yes, yes, yes. "

"Well, Father, if a good man keeps company with a badman, is the good man bad because he keeps company with thebad man, and is the bad man good because he keeps companywith the good man?"--_Punch_. 

 Here's champagne to our real friends. And real pain to our sham friends. 

 It's better to make friends fast Than to make fast friends. 

Some friends are a habit--some a luxury. 

A friend is one who overlooks your virtues and appreciates your faults. 

FRIENDS, SOCIETY OF

A visitor to Philadelphia, unfamiliar with the garb of the Society ofFriends, was much interested in two demure and placid Quakeresses whotook seats directly behind her in the Broad Street Station. After a fewminutes' silence she was somewhat startled to hear a gentle voiceinquire: "Sister Kate, will thee go to the counter and have a milk punchon me?"--_Carolina Lockhart_. 

FRIENDSHIP

Friendly may we part and quickly meet again. 

 There's fellowship In every sip Of friendship's brew. 

May we all travel through the world and sow it thick with friendship. 

 Here's to the four hinges of Friendship-- Swearing, Lying, Stealing and Drinking. When you swear, swear by your country; When you lie, lie for a pretty woman, When you steal, steal away from bad company And when you drink, drink with me. 

The trouble with having friends is the upkeep. 

"Brown volunteered to lend me money. "

"Did you take it?"

"No. That sort of friendship is too good to lose. "

"I let my house furnished, and they've had measles there. Of coursewe've had the place disinfected; so I suppose it's quite safe. What doyou think?"

"I fancy it would be all right, dear; but I think, perhaps, it would besafer to lend it to a friend first. "--_Punch_. 

"Hoo is it, Jeemes, that you mak' sic an enairmous profit aff yerpotatoes? Yer price is lower than ony ither in the toon and ye mak'extra reductions for yer freends. "

"Weel, ye see, I knock aff twa shillin's a ton beacuse a customer is afreend o' mine, an' then I jist tak' twa hundert-weight aff the tonbecause I'm a freend o' his. "--_Punch_. 

The conductor of a western freight train saw a tramp stealing a ride onone of the forward cars. He told the brakeman in the caboose to go upand put the man off at the next stop. When the brakeman approached thetramp, the latter waved a big revolver and told him to keep away. 

"Did you get rid of him?" the conductor asked the brakeman, when thetrain was under motion again. 

"I hadn't the heart, " was the reply. "He turned out to be an old schoolfriend of mine. "

"I'll take care of him, " said the conductor, as he started over the topsof the cars. 

After the train had made another stop and gone on, the brakeman cameinto the caboose and said to the conductor:

"Well, is he off?"

"No; he turned out to be an old school friend of mine, too. "

If a man does not make new acquaintances, as he advances through life, he will soon find himself left alone. A man, Sir, should keep hisfriendship in constant repair. --_Samuel Johnson_. 

 They say, and I am glad they say, It is so; and it may be so; It may be just the other way, I cannot tell, but this I know-- From quiet homes and first beginnings Out to the undiscovered ends There's nothing worth the wear of winning Save laughter and the love of friends. 

 --_Hilaire Belloc_. 

FUN

Fun is like life insurance, th' older you git th' more it costs. --_AbeMartin_. 

_See also_ Amusements. 

FUNERALS

 There was an old man in a hearse, Who murmured, "This might have been worse; Of course the expense Is simply immense, But it doesn't come out of my purse. "

FURNITURE

GUEST--"That's a beautiful rug. May I ask how much it cost you?"

HOST--"Five hundred dollars. A hundred and fifty for it and the rest forfurniture to match. "

FUTURE LIFE

A certain young man's friends thought he was dead, but he was only in astate of coma. When, in ample time to avoid being buried, he showedsigns of life, he was asked how it seemed to be dead. 

"Dead?" he exclaimed. "I wasn't dead. I knew all that was going on. AndI knew I wasn't dead, too, because my feet were cold and I was hungry. "

"But how did that fact make you think you were still alive?" asked oneof the curious. 

"Well, this way; I knew that if I were in heaven I wouldn't be hungry. And if I was in the other place my feet wouldn't be cold. "

FATHER (impressively)--"Suppose I should be taken away suddenly, whatwould become of you, my boy?"

IRREVERENT SON--"I'd stay here. The question is, What would become ofyou?"

"Look here, now, Harold, " said a father to his little son, who wasnaughty, "if you don't say your prayers you won't go to Heaven. "

"I don't want to go to Heaven, " sobbed the boy; "I want to go with youand mother. "

On a voyage across the ocean an Irishman died and was about to be buriedat sea. His friend Mike was the chief mourner at the burial service, atthe conclusion of which those in charge wrapped the body in canvaspreparatory to dropping it overboard. It is customary to place heavyshot with a body to insure its immediate sinking, but in this instance, nothing else being available, a large lump of coal was substituted. Mike's cup of sorrow overflowed his eyes, and he tearfully exclaimed, "Oh, Pat, I knew you'd never get to heaven, but, begorry, I didn't thinkyou'd have to furnish your own fuel. "

An Irishman told a man that he had fallen so low in this life that inthe next he would have to climb up hill to get into hell. 

When P. T. Barnum was at the head of his "great moral show, " it was hisrule to send complimentary tickets to clergymen, and the custom iscontinued to this day. Not long ago, after the Reverend Doctor Walkersucceeded to the pastorate of the Reverend Doctor Hawks, in Hartford, there came to the parsonage, addressed to Doctor Hawks, tickets for thecircus, with the compliments of the famous showman. Doctor Walkerstudied the tickets for a moment, and then remarked:

"Doctor Hawks is dead and Mr. Barnum is dead; evidently they haven'tmet. "

Archbishop Ryan once attended a dinner given him by the citizens ofPhiladelphia and a brilliant company of men was present. Among otherswere the president of the Pennsylvania Railroad; ex-Attorney-GeneralMacVeagh, counsel for the road, and other prominent railroad men. 

Mr. MacVeagh, in talking to the guest of the evening, said: "Your Grace, among others you see here a great many railroad men. There is apeculiarity of railroad men that even on social occasions you will findthat they always take their lawyer with them. That is why I am here. They never go anywhere without their counsel. Now they have nearlyeverything that men want, but I have a suggestion to make to you for anexchange with us. We can give free passes on all the railroads of thecountry. Now if you would only give us--say a free pass to Paradise byway of exchange. "

"Ah, no, " said His Grace, with a merry twinkle in his eye, "that wouldnever do. I would not like to separate them from their counsel. "

GARDENING

Th' only time some fellers ever dig in th' gardens is just before theygo a fishin'. --_Abe Martin_. 

"I am going to start a garden, " announced Mr. Subbubs. "A few monthsfrom now I won't be kicking about your prices. "

"No, " said the grocer; "you'll be wondering how I can afford to sellvegetables so cheap. "

GAS STOVES

A Georgia woman who moved to Philadelphia found she could not becontented without the colored mammy who had been her servant for manyyears. She sent for old mammy, and the servant arrived in due season. Itso happened that the Georgia woman had to leave town the very day mammyarrived. Before departing she had just time to explain to mammy themodern conveniences with which her apartment was furnished. The gasstove was the contrivance which interested the colored woman most. Afterthe mistress of the household had lighted the oven, the broiler, and theother burners and felt certain the old servant understood itsoperations, the mistress hurried for her train. 

She was absent for two weeks and one of her first questions to mammy washow she had worried along. 

"De fines' ever, " was the reply. "And dat air gas stove--O my! Why doyou know, Miss Flo'ence, dat fire aint gone out yit. "

GENEROSITY

"This is a foine country, Bridget!" exclaimed Norah, who had butrecently arrived in the United States. "Sure, it's generous everybodyis. I asked at the post-office about sindin' money to me mither, and theyoung man tells me I can get a money order for $10 for 10 cents. Thinkof that now!"

At one of these reunions of the Blue and the Gray so happily common oflate, a northern veteran, who had lost both arms and both legs in theservice, caused himself to be posted in a conspicuous place to receivealms. The response to his appeal was generous and his cup rapidlyfilled. 

Nobody gave him more than a dime, however, except a grizzled warrior ofthe lost cause, who plumped in a dollar. And not content, he presentlycame that way again and plumped in another dollar. 

The cripple's gratitude did not quite extinguish his curiosity. "Why, "he inquired, "do you, who fought on the other side, give me so much morethan any of those who were my comrades in arms?"

The old rebel smiled grimly. "Because, " he replied, "you're the firstYank I ever saw trimmed up just to suit me. "

At dinner one day, it was noticed that a small daughter of the ministerwas putting aside all the choice pieces of chicken and her father askedher why she did that. She explained that she was saving them for herdog. Her father told her there were plenty of bones the dog could haveso she consented to eat the dainty bits. Later she collected the bonesand took them to the dog saying, "I meant to give a free will offeringbut it is only a collection. "

A little newsboy with a cigarette in his mouth entered a notion storeand asked for a match. 

"We only _sell_ matches, " said the storekeeper. 

"How much are they?" asked the future citizen. 

"Penny a box, " was the answer. 

"Gimme a box, " said the boy. 

He took one match, lit the cigarette, and handed the box back over thecounter, saying, "Here, take it and put it on de shelf, and when anoddersport comes and asks for a match, give him one on me. "

Little Ralph belonged to a family of five. One morning he came into thehouse carrying five stones which he brought to his mother, saying:

"Look, mother, here are tombstones for each one of us. "

The mother, counting them, said:

"Here is one for father, dear! Here is one for mother! Here isbrother's! Here is the baby's; but there is none for Delia, the maid. "

Ralph was lost in thought for a moment, then cheerfully cried:

"Oh, well, never mind, mother; Delia can have mine, and I'll live!"

She was making the usual female search for her purse when the conductorcame to collect the fares. 

Her companion meditated silently for a moment, then, addressing theother, said:

"Let us divide this Mabel; you fumble and I'll pay. "

GENTLEMEN

"Sadie, what is a gentleman?"

"Please, ma'am, " she answered, "a gentleman's a man you don't know verywell. "

Two characters in Jeffery Farnol's "Amateur Gentleman" give thesedefinitions of a gentleman:

"A gentleman is a fellow who goes to a university, but doesn't have tolearn anything; who goes out into the world, but doesn't have to work atanything; and who has never been black-balled at any of the clubs. "

"A gentleman is (I take it) one born with the God-like capacity to thinkand feel for others, irrespective of their rank or condition. . . . One whopossesses an ideal so lofty, a mind so delicate, that it lifts him aboveall things ignoble and base, yet strengthens his hands to raise thosewho are fallen--no matter how low. "

GERMANS

The poet Heine and Baron James Rothschild were close friends. At thedinner table of the latter the financier asked the poet why he was sosilent, when usually so gay and full of witty remarks. 

"Quite right, " responded Heine, "but to-night I have exchanged viewswith my German friends and my head is fearfully empty. "

GHOSTS

"I confess, that the subject of psychical research makes no great appealto me, " Sir William Henry Perkin, the inventor of coal-tar dyes, toldsome friends in New York recently. "Personally, in the course of afairly long career, I have heard at first hand but one ghost story. Itshero was a man whom I may as well call Snooks. 

"Snooks, visiting at a country house, was put in the haunted chamber forthe night. He said that he did not feel the slightest uneasiness, butnevertheless, just as a matter of precaution, he took to bed with him arevolver of the latest American pattern. 

"He slept peacefully enough until the clock struck two, when he awokewith an unpleasant feeling of oppression. He raised his head and peeredabout him. The room was wanly illumined by the full moon, and in thatweird, bluish light he thought he discerned a small, white hand claspingthe rail at the foot of the bed. 

"'Who's there?' he asked tremulously. 

"There was no reply. The small white hand did not move. 

"'Who's there?' he repeated. 'Answer me or I'll shoot. '

"Again there was no reply. 

"Snooks cautiously raised himself, took careful aim and fired. 

"From that night on he's limped. Shot off two of his own toes. "

GIFTS

When Lawrence Barrett's daughter was married Stuart Robson sent a checkfor $5000 to the bridegroom. The comedian's daughter, Felicia Robson, who attended the wedding conveyed the gift. 

"Felicia, " said her father upon her return, "did you give him thecheck?"

"Yes, Father, " answered the daughter. 

"What did he say?" asked Robson. 

"He didn't say anything, " replied Miss Felicia, "but he shed tears. "

"How long did he cry?"

"Why Father, I didn't time him. I should say, however, that he weptfully a minute. "

"Fully a minute, " mused Robson. "Why, Daughter, I cried an hour after Isigned it. "

A church house in a certain rural district was sadly in need of repairs. The official board had called a meeting of the parishioners to see whatcould be done toward raising the necessary funds. One of the wealthiestand stingiest of the adherents of that church arose and said that hewould give five dollars, and sat down. 

Just then a bit of plastering fell from the ceiling and hit him squarelyupon the head. Whereupon he jumped up, looked confused and said:"I--er--I meant I'll give fifty dollars!" then again resumed his seat. 

After a brief silence a voice was heard to say: "O Lord, hit 'im again!"

He gives twice who gives quickly because the collectors come aroundlater on and hit him for another subscription. --_Puck_. 

"Presents, " I often say, "endear Absents. "--_Charles Lamb_. 

In giving, a man receives more than he gives, and the more is inproportion to the worth of the thing given. --_George MacDonald_. 

_See also_ Christmas gifts. 

GLUTTONY

A clergyman was quite ill as a result of eating many pieces of mincepie. 

A brother minister visited him and asked him if he was afraid to die. 

"No, " the sick man replied, "But I should be ashamed to die from eatingtoo much. "

There was a young person named Ned, Who dined before going to bed, On lobster and ham And salad and jam, And when he awoke he was dead. 

GOLF

Two Scotchmen met and exchanged the small talk appropriate to the hour. As they were parting to go supperward Sandy said to Jock:

"Jock, mon, I'll go ye a roond on the links in the morrn'. "

"The morrn'?" Jock repeated. 

"Aye, mon, the morrn', " said Sandy. "I'll go ye a roond on the links inthe morrn'. "

"Aye, weel, " said Jock, "I'll go ye. But I had intended to get marrietin the morrn'. "

GOLFER (unsteadied by Christmas luncheon) to Opponent--

"Sir, I wish you clearly to understand that I resent yourunwarrant--your interference with my game, sir! Tilt the green oncemore, sir, and I chuck the match. "

Doctor William S. Rainsford is an inveterate golf player. When he wasrector of St. George's Church, in New York City, he was badly beaten onthe links by one of his vestrymen. To console the clergyman thevestryman ventured to say: "Never mind, Doctor, you'll get satisfactionsome day when I pass away. Then you'll read the burial service over me. "

"I don't see any satisfaction in that, " answered the clergy-man, "foryou'll still be in the hole. "

SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER--"Willie, do you know what beomes of boys who usebad language when they're playing marbles?"

WILLIE--"Yes, miss. They grow up and play golf. "

The game of golf, as every humorist knows, is conducive to profanity. Itis also a terrible strain on veracity, every man being his own umpire. 

Four men were playing golf on a course where the hazard on the ninthhole was a deep ravine. 

They drove off. Three went into the ravine and one managed to get hisball over. The three who had dropped into the ravine walked up to have alook. Two of them decided not to try to play their balls out and gave upthe hole. The third said he would go down and play out his ball. Hedisappeared into the deep crevasse. Presently his ball came bobbing outand after a time he climbed up. 

"How many strokes?" asked one of his opponents. 

"Three. "

"But I heard six. "

"Three of them were echoes!"

When Mark Twain came to Washington to try to get a decent copyright lawpassed, a representative took him out to Chevy Chase. 

Mark Twain refused to play golf himself, but he consented to walk overthe course and watch the representative's strokes. The representativewas rather a duffer. Teeing off, he sent clouds of earth flying in alldirections. Then, to hide his confusion he said to his guest: "What doyou think of our links here, Mr. Clemens?"

"Best I ever tasted, " said Mark Twain, as he wiped the dirt from hislips with his handkerchief. 

GOOD FELLOWSHIP

 A glass is good, a lass is good, And a pipe to smoke in cold weather, The world is good and the people are good, And we're all good fellows together. 

 May good humor preside when good fellows meet, And reason prescribe when'tis time to retreat. 

Here's to us that are here, to you that are there, and the rest of useverywhere. 

 Here's to all the world, -- For fear some darn fool may take offence. 

GOSSIP

A gossip is a person who syndicates his conversation. --_Dick Dickinson_. 

Gossips are the spies of life. 

"However did you reconcile Adele and Mary?"

"I gave them a choice bit of gossip and asked them not to repeat it toeach other. "

The seven-year-old daughter of a prominent suburban resident is, theneighbors say, a precocious youngster; at all events, she knows the waysof the world. 

Her mother had occasion to punish her one day last week for aparticularly mischievous prank, and after she had talked it over verysolemnly sent the little girl up to her room. 

An hour later the mother went upstairs. The child was sittingcomplacently on the window seat, looking out at the other children. 

"Well, little girl, " the mother began, "did you tell God all about hownaughty you'd been?"

The youngster shook her head, emphatically. "Guess I didn't, " shegurgled; "why, it'd be all over heaven in no time. "

Get a gossip wound up and she will run somebody down. --_Life_. 

"Papa, mamma says that one-half the world doesn't know how the otherhalf lives. "

"Well, she shouldn't blame herself, dear, it isn't her fault. "

It is only national history that "repeats itself. " Your private historyis repeated by the neighbors. 

"You're a terrible scandal-monger, Linkum, " said Jorrocks. 

"Why in thunder don't you make it a rule to tell only half what youhear?"

"That's what I do do, " said Linkum. "Only I tell the spicy half. "

"What, " asked the Sunday-school teacher, "is meant by bearing falsewitness against one's neighbor?"

"It's telling falsehoods about them, " said the one small maid. 

"Partly right and partly wrong, " said the teacher. 

"I know, " said another little girl, holding her hand high in the air. "It's when nobody did anything and somebody went and told aboutit. "--_H. R. Bennett_. 

MAUD--"That story you told about Alice isn't worth repeating. "

KATE--"It's young yet; give it time. "

SON--"Why do people say 'Dame Gossip'?"

FATHER--"Because they are too polite to leave off the 'e. '"

 I cannot tell how the truth may be; I say the tale as 'twas said to me. 

Never tell evil of a man, if you do not know it for a certainty, and ifyou do know it for a certainty, then ask yourself, "Why should I tellit?"--_Lavater_. 

GOVERNMENT OWNERSHIP

"Don't you think the coal-mines ought to be controlled by thegovernment?"

"I might if I didn't know who controlled thegovernment. "--_Life_. 

GOVERNORS

The governor of a western state was dining with the family of aRepresentative in Congress from that state, and opposite him at tablesat the little girl of the family, aged ten. She gazed at the Governorsolemnly throughout the repast. 

Finally the youngster asked, "Are you really and truly a governor?"

"Yes, " replied the great man laughingly; "I really and truly am. "

"I've always wanted to see a governor, " continued the child, "for I'veheard Daddy speak of 'em. "

"Well, " rejoined the Governor, "now that you have seen one, are yousatisfied?"

"No, sir, " answered the youngster, without the slightest impertinence, but with an air of great conviction, "no, sir; I'm disappointed. "

GRAFT

"What is meant by graft?" said the inquiring foreigner. 

"Graft, " said the resident of a great city, "is a system whichultimately results in compelling a large portion of the population toapologize constantly for not having money, and the remainder to explainhow they got it. "

LADY--"I guess you're gettin' a good thing out o' tending the rich Smithboy, ain't ye, doctor?"

DOCTOR--"Well, yes; I get a pretty good fee. Why?"

LADY--"Well, I hope you won't forget that my Willie threw the brick thathit 'im!"

Every man has his price, but some hold bargain sales. --_Satire_. 

The Democrats had a clear working majority in ----, Illinois, for anumber of years. But when the Fifteenth Amendment went into effect itenfranchised so many of the "culled bredren" as to make it apparent tothe party leaders that unless a good many black votes could be boughtup, the Republicans would carry the city election. Accordingly advanceswere made to the Rev. Brother ----, whose influence it was thoughtdesirable to secure, inasmuch as he was certain to control the votes ofhis entire church. 

He was found "open to conviction, " and arrangements progressedsatisfactorily until it was asked how much money would be necessary tosecure his vote and influence. 

With an air of offended dignity, Brother ---- replied:

"Now, gemmen, as a regular awdained minister ob de Baptist Church disting has gone jes as far as my conscience will 'low; but, gemmen, my sonwill call round to see you in de mornin'. "

A well-known New York contractor went into the tailor's, donned his newsuit, and left his old one for repairs. Then he sought a café andrefreshed the inner man; but as he reached in his pocket for the moneyto settle his check, he realized that he had neglected to transfer bothpurse and watch when he left his suit. As he hesitated, somewhatembarrassed, he saw a bill on the floor at his feet. Seizing itthankfully, he stepped to the cashier's desk and presented both checkand money. 

"That was a two dollar bill, " he explained when he counted his change. 

"I know it, " said the cashier, with a toss of her blond head. "I'mdividing with you. I saw it first. "

GRATITUDE

After O'Connell had obtained the acquittal of a horse-stealer, thethief, in the ecstasy of his gratitude, cried out, "Och, counsellor, I've no way here to thank your honor; but I wish't I saw you knockeddown in me own parish--wouldn't I bring a faction to the rescue?"

Some people are never satisfied. For example, the prisoner whocomplained of the literature that the prison angel gave him to read. 

"Nutt'n but continued stories, " he grumbled. "An I'm to be hung nextTuesday. "

It was a very hot day and a picnic had been arranged by the UnitedSociety of Lady Vegetarians. 

They were comfortably seated, and waiting for the kettle to boil, when, horror of horrors! a savage bull appeared on the scene. 

Immediately a wild rush was made for safety, while the raging creaturepounded after one lady who, unfortunately, had a red parasol. By greatgood fortune she nipped over the stile before it could reach her. Then, regaining her breath, she turned round. 

"Oh, you ungrateful creature!" she exclaimed. "Here have I been avegetarian all my life. There's gratitude for you!"

Miss PASSAY--"You have saved my life, young man. How can I repay you?How can I show my gratitude? Are you married?"

YOUNG MAN--"Yes; come and be a cook for us. "

GREAT BRITAIN

One of the stories told by Mr. Spencer Leigh Hughes in his speech in theHouse of Commons one night tickled everybody. It is the story of thesmall boy who was watching the Speaker's procession as it wended its waythrough the lobby. First came the Speaker, and then the chaplain, andnext the other officers. 

"Who, father, is that gentleman?" said the small boy, pointing to thechaplain. 

"That, my son, " said the father, "is the chaplain of the House. "

"Does he pray for the members?" asked the small boy. 

The father thought a minute and then said: "No, my son; when he goesinto the House he looks around and sees the members sitting there andthen he prays for the country. "--_Cardiff Mail_. 

There is a lad in Boston, the son of a well-known writer of history, whohas evidently profited by such observations as he may have overheard hisfather utter touching certain phases of British empire-building. At anyrate the boy showed a shrewd notion of the opinion not infrequentlyexpressed in regard to the righteousness of "British occupation. " It washe who handed in the following essay on the making of a British colony:

"Africa is a British colony. I will tell you how England does it. Firstshe gets a missionary; when the missionary has found a speciallybeautiful and fertile tract of country, he gets all his people round himand says: 'Let us pray, ' and when all the eyes are shut, up goes theBritish flag. "

GRIEF

Jim, who worked in a garage, had just declined Mr. Smith's invitation toride in his new car. 

"What's the matter, Jim?" asked Mr. Smith. "Are you sick?"

"No, sah, " he replied. "Tain't that--I done los' $5, sah, an' I jes'nacherly got tuh sit an' grieve. "

GUARANTEES

TRAVELER (on an English train)--"Shall I have time to get a drink?"

GUARD--"Yes, sir. "

TRAVELER--"Can you give me a guarantee that the train won't start?"

GUARD--"Yes, I'll take one with you!"

GUESTS

"Look here, Dinah, " said Binks, as he opened a questionable egg atbreakfast, "is this the freshest egg you can find?"

"Naw, suh, " replied Dinah. "We done got a haff dozen laid diss mornin', suh, but de bishop's comin' down hyar in August, suh, and we's savin'all de fresh aigs for him, suh. "

 "Here's a health to thee and thine From the hearts of me and mine; And when thee and thine Come to see me and mine, May me and mine make thee and thine As welcome as thee and thine Have ever made me and mine. "

HABIT

Among the new class which came to the second-grade teacher, a youngtimid girl, was one Tommy, who for naughty deeds had been many timesspanked by his first-grade teacher. "Send him to me any time when youwant him spanked, " suggested the latter; "I can manage him. "

One morning, about a week after this conversation, Tommy appeared at thefirst-grade teacher's door. She dropped her work, seized him by the arm, dragged him to the dressing-room, turned him over her knee and did herduty. 

When she had finished she said: "Well, Tommy, what have you to say?"

"Please, Miss, my teacher wants the scissors. "

In reward of faithful political service an ambitious saloon keeper wasappointed police magistrate. 

"What's the charge ag'in this man?" he inquired when the first case wascalled. 

"Drunk, yer honor, " said the policeman. 

The newly made magistrate frowned upon the trembling defendant. 

"Guilty, or not guilty?" he demanded. 

"Sure, sir, " faltered the accused, "I never drink a drop. "

"Have a cigar, then, " urged his honor persuasively, as he absentlypolished the top of the judicial desk with his pocket handkerchief. 

"We had a fine sunrise this morning, " said one New Yorker to another. "Did you see it?"

"Sunrise?" said the second man. "Why, I'm always in bed before sunrise. "

A traveling man who was a cigarette smoker reached town on an earlytrain. He wanted a smoke, but none of the stores were open. Near thestation he saw a newsboy smoking, and approached him with:

"Say, son, got another cigarette?"

"No, sir, " said the boy, "but I've got the makings. "

"All right, " the traveling man said. "But I can't roll 'em very well. Will you fix one for me?"

The boy did. 

"Don't believe I've got a match, " said the man, after a search throughhis pockets. 

The boy handed him a match. "Say, Captain, " he said "you ain't gotanything but the habit, have you?"

 Habit with him was all the test of truth; "It must be right: I've done it from my youth. "

 --_Crabbe_. 

HADES

_See_ Future life. 

HAPPINESS

Lord Tankerville, in New York, said of the international schoolquestion:

"The subject of the American versus the English school has been too muchdiscussed. The good got from a school depends, after all, on theschoolboy chiefly, and I'm afraid the average schoolboy is wellreflected in that classic schoolboy letter home which said:

 "'Dear parents--We are having a good time now at school. George Jones broke his leg coasting and is in bed. We went skating and the ice broke and all got wet. Willie Brown was drowned. Most of the boys here are down with influenza. The gardener fell into our cave and broke his rib, but he can work a little. The aviator man at the race course kicked us because we threw sand in his motor, and we are all black and blue. I broke my front tooth playing football. We are very happy. '"

Mankind are always happier for having been happy; so that if you makethem happy now, you make them happy twenty years hence by the memory ofit. --_Sydney Smith_. 

HARNESSING

The story is told of two Trenton men who hired a horse and trap for alittle outing not long ago. Upon reaching their destination, the horsewas unharnessed and permitted peacefully to graze while the men fishedfor an hour or two. 

When they were ready to go home, a difficulty at once presented itself, inasmuch as neither of the Trentonians knew how to reharness the horse. Every effort in this direction met with dire failure, and the worstproblem was properly to adjust the bit. The horse himself seemed toresent the idea of going into harness again. 

Finally one of the friends, in great disgust, sat down in the road. "There's only one thing we can do, Bill, " said he. 

"What's that?" asked Bill. 

"Wait for the foolish beast to yawn!"

HARVARD UNIVERSITY

"Well, I'll tell you this, " said the college man, "Wellesley is a matchfactory. "

"That's quite true, " assented the girl. "At Wellesley we make the heads, but we get the sticks from Harvard. "--_C. Stratton_. 

HASH

"George, " said the Titian-haired school marm, "is there any connectinglink between the animal kingdom and the vegetable kingdom?"

"Yeth, ma'am, " answered George promptly. "Hash. "

HASTE

The ferry-dock was crowded with weary home-goers when through the crowdrushed a man--hot, excited, laden to the chin with bundles of everyshape and size. He sprinted down the pier, his eyes fixed on a ferryboatonly two or three feet out from the pier. He paused but an instant onthe string-piece, and then, cheered on by the amused crowd, he made aflying leap across the intervening stretch of water and landed safely onthe deck. A fat man happened to be standing on the exact spot on whichhe struck, and they both went down with a resounding crash. When thearriving man had somewhat recovered his breath he apologized to the fatman. "I hope I didn't hurt you, " he said. "I am sorry. But, anyway Icaught the boat!"

"But you idiot, " said the fat man, "the boat was coming in!"

HEALTH RESORTS

"Where've you been, Murray?"

"To a health resort. Finest place I ever struck. It was simply great. "

"Then why did you come away?"

"Oh, I got sick and had to come home. "

"Are you going back?"

"You bet. Just as soon as I get well enough. "

HEARING

The Ladies' Aid ladies were talking about a conversation they hadoverheard before the meeting, between a man and his wife. 

"They must have been to the Zoo, " said Mrs. A. , "because I heard hermention 'a trained deer. '"

"Goodness me!" laughed Mrs. B. "What queer hearing you must have! Theywere talking about going away, and she said, 'Find out about the train, dear. '"

"Well did anybody ever?" exclaimed Mrs. C. "I am sure they were talkingabout musicians, for she said 'a trained ear, ' as distinctly as couldbe. "

The discussion began to warm up, and in the midst of it the lady herselfappeared. They carried their case to her promptly, and asked for asettlement. 

"Well, well, you do beat all!" she exclaimed, after hearing each one. "I'd been out to the country overnight, and was asking my husband if itrained here last night. "

After which the three disputants retired, abashed and in silence. --_W. J. Lampton_. 

HEAVEN

"Tom, " said an Indiana youngster who was digging in the yard, "don't youmake that hole any deeper, or you'll come to gas. "

"Well, what if I do? It won't hurt. "

"Yes, 't will too. If it spouts out, we'll be blown clear up to heaven. "

"Shucks, that would be fun! You an' me would be the only live ones upthere. "--_I. C. Curtis_. 

_See also_ Future life. 

HEIRLOOMS

HE (wondering if his rival has been accepted)--"Are both your ringsheirlooms?"

SHE (concealing the hand)--"Oh, dear, yes. One has been in the familysince the time of Alfred, but the other is newer"--(blushing)--"it onlydates from the conquest. "

"My grandfather was a captain of industry. "

"Well?"

"He left no sword, but we still treasure the stubs of his check-books. "

HELL

_See_ Future life. 

HEREDITY

"Papa, what does hereditary mean?"

"Something which descends from father to son. "

"Is a spanking hereditary?"

William had just returned from college, resplendent in peg-top trousers, silk hosiery, a fancy waistcoat, and a necktie that spoke for itself. Heentered the library where his father was reading. The old gentlemanlooked up and surveyed his son. The longer he looked, the more disgustedhe became. 

"Son, " he finally blurted out, "you look like a d--- fool!"

Later, the old Major who lived next door came in and greeted the boyheartily. "William, " he said with undisguised admiration, "you lookexactly like your father did twenty-five years ago when he came backfrom school!"

"Yes, " replied William, with a smile, "so Father was just telling me. "

"There seems to be a strange affinity between a darky and a chicken. Iwonder why?" said Jones. 

"Naturally enough, " replied Brown. "One is descended from Ham and theother from eggs. "

"So you have adopted a baby to raise?" we ask of our friend. "Well, itmay turn out all right, but don't you think you are taking chances?"

"Not a chance, " he answers. "No matter how many bad habits the child maydevelop, my wife can't say he inherits any of them from my side of thehouse. "

_See also_ Ancestry. 

HEROES

THE PASSER-BY--"You took a great risk in rescuing that boy; you deservea Carnegie medal. What prompted you to do it?"

THE HERO--"He had my skates on!"--_Puck_. 

MR. HENPECK--"Are you the man who gave my wife a lot of impudence?"

MR. SCRAPER--"I reckon I am. "

MR. HENPECK--"Shake! You're a hero. "

Each man is a hero and an oracle to somebody. --_Emerson_. HIGH COST OFLIVING

_See_ Cost of living. 

HINTING

Little James, while at a neighbor's, was given a piece of bread andbutter, and politely said, "Thank you. "

"That's right, James, " said the lady. "I like to hear little boys say'thank you. '"

"Well, " rejoined James, "If you want to hear me say it again, you mightput some jam on it. "

HOME

Home is a place where you can take off your new shoes and put on yourold manners. 

 Who hath not met with home-made bread, A heavy compound of putty and lead-- And home-made wines that rack the head, And home-made liquors and waters? Home-made pop that will not foam, And home-made dishes that drive one from home-- * * * * * * Home-made by the homely daughters. 

 --_Hood_. 

HOMELINESS

_See_ Beauty, Personal. 

HOMESTEADS

"Malachi, " said a prospective homesteader to a lawyer, "you know allabout this law. Tell me what I am to do. "

"Well, " said the other, "I don't remember the exact wording of the law, but I can give you the meaning of it. It's this: The government iswillin' to bet you one hundred and sixty acres of land against fourteendollars that you can't live on it five years without starving todeath. "--_Fenimore Martin_. 

HONESTY

"He's an honest young man" said the saloon keeper, with an approvingsmile. "He sold his vote to pay his whiskey bill. "

VISITOR--"And you always did your daring robberies single-handed? Whydidn't you have a pal?"

PRISONER--"Well, sir, I wuz afraid he might turn out to be dishonest. "

Ex-District Attorney Jerome, at a dinner in New York, told a story abouthonesty. "There was a man, " he said, "who applied for a position in adry-goods house. His appearance wasn't prepossessing, and referenceswere demanded. After some hesitation, he gave the name of a driver inthe firm's employ. This driver, he thought, would vouch for him. A clerksought out the driver, and asked him if the applicant was honest. 'Honest?' the driver said. 'Why, his honesty's been proved again andagain. To my certain knowledge he's been arrested nine times forstealing and every time he was acquitted. '"

"How is it, Mr. Brown, " said a miller to a farmer, "that when I came tomeasure those ten barrels of apples I bought from you, I found themnearly two barrels short?"

"Singular, very singular; for I sent them to you in ten of your ownflour-barrels. "

"Ahem! Did, eh?" said the miller. "Well, perhaps I made a mistake. Let'simbibe. "

The stranger laid down four aces and scooped in the pot. 

"This game ain't on the level, " protested Sagebush Sam, at the same timeproducing a gun to lend force to his accusation. "That ain't the hand Idealt ye!"

A dumpy little woman with solemn eyes, holding by the hand two dumpylittle boys, came to the box-office of a theater. Handing in a quarter, she asked meekly for the best seat she could get for that money. 

"Those boys must have tickets if you take them in, " said the clerk. 

"Oh, no, mister, " she said. "I never pay for them. I never can sparemore than a quarter, and I just love a show. We won't cheat you any, mister, for they both go sound asleep just as soon as they get into aseat, and don't see a single bit of it. "

The argument convinced the ticket man, and he allowed the two childrento pass in. 

Toward the end of the second act an usher came out of the auditorium andhanded a twenty-five-cent piece to the ticket-seller. 

"What's this?" demanded the latter. 

"I don't know, " said the usher. "A little chunk of a woman beckoned meclear across the house, and said one of her kids had waked up and waslooking at the show, and that I should bring you that quarter. "

HONOR

In the smoking compartment of a Pullman, there were six men smoking andreading. All of a sudden a door banged and the conductor's voice cried:

"All tickets, please!"

Then one of the men in the compartment leaped to his feet, scanned thefaces of the others and said, slowly and impressively:

"Gentlemen, I trust to your honor. "

And he dived under the seat and remained there in a small, silent knottill the conductor was safely gone. 

 Titles of honour add not to his worth, Who is himself an honour to his titles. 

 --_John Ford_. 

HOPE

FRED--"My dear Dora, let this thought console you for your lover'sdeath. Remember that other and better men than he have gone the sameway. "

BEREAVED ONE--"They haven't all gone, have they?"--_Puck_. 

HORSES

A city man, visiting a small country town, boarded a stage with twodilapidated horses, and found that he had no other currency than afive-dollar bill. This he proffered to the driver. The latter took it, looked it over for a moment or so, and then asked:

"Which horse do you want?"

A traveler in Indiana noticed that a farmer was having trouble with hishorse. It would start, go slowly for a short distance, and then stopagain. Thereupon the farmer would have great difficulty in getting itstarted. Finally the traveler approached and asked, solicitously:

"Is your horse sick?"

"Not as I knows of. "

"Is he balky?"

"No. But he is so danged 'fraid I'll say whoa and he won't hear me, thathe stops every once in a while to listen. "

A German farmer was in search of a horse. 

"I've got just the horse for you, " said the liveryman. "He's five yearsold, sound as a dollar and goes ten miles without stopping. "

The German threw his hands skyward. 

"Not for me, " he said, "not for me. I live eight miles from town, undmit dot horse I haf to valk back two miles. "

There's a grocer who is notorious for his wretched horse flesh. 

The grocer's boy is rather a reckless driver. He drove one of hismaster's worst nags a little too hard one day, and the animal fell illand died. 

"You've killed my horse, curse you!" the grocer said to the boy the nextmorning. 

"I'm sorry, boss, " the lad faltered. 

"Sorry be durned!" shouted the grocer. "Who's going to pay me for myhorse?"

"I'll make it all right, boss, " said the boy soothingly. "You can takeit out of my next Saturday's wages. "

Before Abraham Lincoln became President he was called out of town onimportant law business. As he had a long distance to travel he hired ahorse from a livery stable. When a few days later he returned he tookthe horse back to the stable and asked the man who had given it to him:"Keep this horse for funerals?"

"No, indeed, " answered the man indignantly. 

"Glad to hear it, " said Lincoln; "because if you did the corpse wouldn'tget there in time for the resurrection. "

HOSPITALITY

Night was approaching and it was raining hard. The traveler dismountedfrom his horse and rapped at the door of the one farmhouse he had struckin a five-mile stretch of traveling. No one came to the door. 

As he stood on the doorstep the water from the eaves trickled down hiscollar. He rapped again. Still no answer. He could feel the stream ofwater coursing down his back. Another spell of pounding, and finally thered head of a lad of twelve was stuck out of the second story window. 

"Watcher want?" it asked. 

"I want to know if I can stay here over night, " the traveler answeredtestily. 

The red-headed lad watched the man for a minute or two before answering. 

"Ye kin fer all of me, " he finally answered, and then closed the window. 

The old friends had had three days together. 

"You have a pretty place here, John, " remarked the guest on the morningof his departure. "But it looks a bit bare yet. "

"Oh, that's because the trees are so young, " answered the hostcomfortably. "I hope they'll have grown to a good size before you comeagain. "

A youngster of three was enjoying a story his mother was reading aloudto him when a caller came. In a few minutes his mother was called to thetelephone. The boy turned to the caller and said "Now you beat ithome. " Ollie James, the famous Kentucky Congressman and raconteur, hailsfrom a little town in the western part of the state, but his patriotismis state-wide, and when Louisville made a bid for the last Democraticnational convention she had no more enthusiastic supporter than James. ADenver supporter was protesting. 

"Why, you know, Colonel, " said he, "Louisville couldn't take care of thecrowds. Even by putting cots in the halls, parlors, and the dining-roomsof the hotels there wouldn't be beds enough. "

"Beds!" echoed the genial Congressman, "why, sir, Louisville would makeher visitors have such a thundering good time that no gentleman wouldthink of going to bed!"

HOSTS

 I thank you for your welcome which was cordial, And your cordial which was welcome. 

 Here's to the host and the hostess, We're honored to be here tonight; May they both live long and prosper, May their star of hope ever be bright. 

HOTELS

In a Montana hotel there is a notice which reads: "Boarders taken by theday, week or month. Those who do not pay promptly will be taken by theneck. "--_Country Life_. 

HUNGER

A man was telling about an exciting experience in Russia. His sleigh waspursued over the frozen wastes by a pack of at least a dozen famishedwolves. He arose and shot the foremost one, and the others stopped todevour it. But they soon caught up with him, and he shot another, whichwas in turn devoured. This was repeated until the last famished wolf wasalmost upon him with yearning jaws, when--

"Say, partner, " broke in one of the listeners, "according to yourreckoning that last famished wolf must have had the other 'leven insideof him. "

"Well, come to think it over, " said the story teller, "maybe he wasn'tso darned famished after all. "

HUNTING

A gentleman from London was invited to go for "a day's snipe-shooting"in the country. The invitation was accepted, and host and guestshouldered guns and sallied forth in quest of game. 

After a time a solitary snipe rose, and promptly fell to the visitor'sfirst barrell. 

The host's face fell also. 

"We may as well return, " he remarked, gloomily, "for that was the onlysnipe in the neighborhood. "

The bird had afforded excellent sport to all his friends for six weeks. 

HURRY

See Haste. 

HUSBANDS

"Is she making him a good wife?"

"Well, not exactly; but she's making him a good husband. "

A husband and wife ran a freak show in a certain provincial town, butunfortunately they quarreled, and the exhibits were equally dividedbetween them. The wife decided to continue business as an exhibitor atthe old address, but the husband went on a tour. 

After some years' wandering the prodigal returned, and a reconciliationtook place, as the result of which they became business partners oncemore. A few mornings afterward the people of the neighborhood were sentinto fits of laughter on reading the following notice in the papers:

"By the return of my husband my stock of freaks has been permanentlyincreased. "

An eminent German scientist who recently visited this country with anumber of his colleagues was dining at an American house and telling howmuch he had enjoyed various phases of his visit. 

"How did you like our railroad trains?" his host asked him. 

"Ach, dhey are woonderful, " the German gentleman replied; "so swift, sosafe chenerally--und such luxury in all dhe furnishings undopp'indmends. All is excellent excebt one thing--our wives do not likedhe upper berths. "

A couple of old grouches at the Metropolitan Club in Washington were onenight speaking of an old friend who, upon his marriage, took up hisresidence in another city. One of the grouches had recently visited theold friend, and, naturally, the other grouch wanted news of theBenedict. 

"Is it true that he is henpecked?" asked the second grouch. 

"I wouldn't say just that, " grimly responded the first grouch, "but I'lltell you of a little incident in their household that came within myobservation. The very first morning I spent with them, our old friendanswered the letter carrier's whistle. As he returned to us, in thebreakfast room, he carried a letter in his hand. Turning to his wife, hesaid:

"'A letter for me, dear. May I open it?'"--_Edwin Tarrisse_. 

"Your husband says he leads a dog's life, " said one woman. 

"Yes, it's very similar, " answered the other. "He comes in with muddyfeet, makes himself comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed. "

NEIGHBOR--"I s'pose your Bill's 'ittin' the 'arp with the hangels now?"

LONG-SUFFERING WIDOW--"Not 'im. 'Ittin' the hangels wiv the 'arp'snearer 'is mark!"

"You say you are your wife's third husband?" said one man to anotherduring a talk. 

"No, I am her fourth husband, " was the reply. 

"Heavens, man!" said the first man; "you are not a husband--you're ahabit. "

MR. HENPECK--"Is my wife going out, Jane?"

JANE--"Yessir. "

MR. HENPECK--"Do you know if I am going with her?"

A happily married woman, who had enjoyed thirty-three years of wedlock, and who was the grandmother of four beautiful little children, had anamusing old colored woman for a cook. 

One day when a box of especially beautiful flowers was left for themistress, the cook happened to be present, and she said: "Yo' husbandsend you all the pretty flowers you gits, Missy?"

"Certainly, my husband, Mammy, " proudly answered the lady. 

"Glory!" exclaimed the cook, "he suttenly am holdin' out well. "

An absent-minded man was interrupted as he was finishing a letter to hiswife, in the office. As a result, the signature read:

Your loving husband, HOPKINS BROS. 

_Winifred C. Bristol_. 

Mrs. McKinley used to tell of a colored widow whose children she hadhelped educate. The widow, rather late in life, married again. 

"How are you getting on?" Mrs. McKinley asked her a few months after hermarriage. 

"Fine, thank yo', ma'am, " the bride answered. 

"And is your husband a good provider?"

"'Deed he am a good providah, ma'am, " was the enthusiastic reply. "Why, jes' dis las' week he got me five new places to wash at. "

"I suffer so from insomnia I don't know what to do. "

"Oh, my dear, if you could only talk to my husband awhile. "

"Did Hardlucke bear his misfortune like a man?"

"Exactly like one. He blamed it all on his wife. "--_Judge_. 

A popular society woman announced a "White Elephant Party. " Every guestwas to bring something that she could not find any use for, and yet toogood to throw away. The party would have been a great success but forthe unlooked-for development which broke it up. Eleven of the nineteenwomen brought their husbands. 

 A very man--not one of nature's clods-- With human failings, whether saint or sinner: Endowed perhaps with genius from the gods But apt to take his temper from his dinner. 

 --_J. G. Saxe_. 

A woman mounted the steps of the elevated station carrying an umbrellalike a reversed saber. An attendant warned her that she might put outthe eye of the man behind her. 

"Well, he's my husband!" she snapped. 

OLD MONEY (dying)--"I'm afraid I've been a brute to you sometimes, dear. "

YOUNG WIFE--"Oh, never mind that darling; I'll always remember how verykind you were when you left me. "

An inveterate poker player, whose wife always complained of his latehours, stayed out even later than usual one night and tells in thefollowing way of his attempt to get in unnoticed:

"I slipped off my shoes at the front steps, pulled off my clothes in thehall, slipped into the bedroom, and began to slip into bed with the easeof experience. 

"My wife has a blamed fine dog that on cold nights insists on jumping inthe bed with us. So when I began to slide under the covers she stirredin her sleep and pushed me on the head. 

"'Get down, Fido, get down!' she said. 

"And, gentlemen, I just did have presence of mind enough to lick herhand, and she dozed off again!"

MR. HOMEBODY--"I see you keep copies ofall the letters you write to your wife. Do you do it to avoid repeatingyourself?"

MR. FARAWAY--"No. To avoid contradicting myself. "

 There is gladness in his gladness, when he's glad, There is sadness in his sadness, when he's sad; But the gladness in his gladness, Nor the sadness in his sadness, Isn't a marker to his madness when he's mad. 

_See also_ Cowards; Domestic finance. 

HYBRIDIZATION

We used to think that the smartest man ever born was the ConnecticutYankee who grafted white birch on red maples and grew barber poles. Nowwe rank that gentleman second. First place goes to an experimenterattached to the Berlin War Office, who has crossed carrier pigeons withparrots, so that Wilhelmstrasse can now get verbal messages through theenemy's lines. --_Warwick James Price_. 

HYPERBOLE

"Speakin' of fertile soil, " said the Kansan, when the others had hadtheir say, "I never saw a place where melons growed like they used toout in my part of the country. The first season I planted 'em I thoughtmy fortune was sure made. However, I didn't harvest one. "

He waited for queries, but his friends knew him, and he was forced tocontinue unurged:

"The vines growed so fast that they wore out the melons draggin' 'em'round. However, the second year my two little boys made up their mindsto get a taste of one anyhow, so they took turns, carryin' one alongwith the vine and--"

But his companions had already started toward the barroom door. 

News comes from Southern Kansas that a boy climbed a cornstalk to seehow the sky and clouds looked and now the stalk is growing faster thanthe boy can climb down. The boy is clear out of sight. Three men havetaken the contract for cutting down the stalk with axes to save the boya horrible death by starving, but the stalk grows so rapidly that theycan't hit twice in the same place. The boy is living on green corn aloneand has already thrown down over four bushels of cobs. Even if the cornholds out there is still danger that the boy will reach a height wherehe will be frozen to death. There is some talk of attempting his rescuewith a balloon. --_Topeka Capital_. 

HYPOCRISY

Hypocrisy is all right if we can pass it off as politeness. 

TEACHER-"Now, Tommy, what is a hypocrite?"

TOMMY-"A boy that comes to school with a smile on his face. "--_GrahamCharteris_. 

IDEALS

The fact that his two pet bantam hens laid very small eggs troubledlittle Johnny. At last he was seized with an inspiration. Johnny'sfather, upon going to the fowl-run one morning, was surprised at seeingan ostrich egg tied to one of the beams, with this injunction chalkedabove it:

"Keep your eye on this and do your best. "

ILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONS

A doctor came up to a patient in an insane asylum, slapped him on theback, and said: "Well, old man, you're all right. You can run along andwrite your folks that you'll be back home in two weeks as good as new. "

The patient went off gayly to write his letter. He had it finished andsealed, but when he was licking the stamp it slipped through his fingersto the floor, lighted on the back of a cockroach that was passing, andstuck. The patient hadn't seen the cockroach--what he did see was hisescaped postage stamp zig-zagging aimlessly across the floor to thebaseboard, wavering up over the baseboard, and following a crooked trackup the wall and across the ceiling. In depressed silence he tore up theletter he had just written and dropped the pieces on the floor. 

"Two weeks! Hell!" he said. "I won't be out of here in three years. "

IMAGINATION

One day a mother overheard her daughter arguing with a little boy abouttheir respective ages. 

"I am older than you, " he said, "'cause my birthday comes first, in May, and your's don't come till September. "

"Of course your birthday comes first, " she sneeringly retorted, "butthat is 'cause you came down first. I remember looking at the angelswhen they were making you. "

The mother instantly summoned her daughter. "It's breaking mother'sheart to hear you tell such awful stories, " she said. "Don't youremember what happened to Ananias and Sapphira?"

"Oh, yes, mamma, I know; they were struck dead for lying. I saw themcarried into the corner drug store!"

IMITATION

Not long ago a company was rehearsing for an open-air performance of _AsYou Like It_ near Boston. The garden wherein they were to play wasoverlooked by a rising brick edifice. 

One afternoon, during a pause in the rehearsal, a voice from thebuilding exclaimed with the utmost gravity:

"I prithee, malapert, pass me yon brick. "

INFANTS

A wife after the divorce, said to her husband: "I am willing to let youhave the baby half the time. "

"Good!" said he, rubbing his hands. "Splendid!"

"Yes, " she resumed, "you may have him nights. "

"Is the baby strong?"

"Well, rather! You know what a tremendous voice he has?"

"Yes. "

"Well, he lifts that five or six times an hour!"--_Comic Cuts_. 

Recipe for a baby:

 Clean and dress a wriggle, add a pint of nearly milk, Smother with a pillow any sneeze; Baste with talcum powder and mark upon its back-- "Don't forget that you were one of these. "

 --_Life_. 

INQUISITIVENESS

_See_ Wives. 

INSANITY

_See_ Editors; Love. 

INSPIRATIONS

She was from Boston, and he was not. 

He had spent a harrowing evening discussing authors of whom he knewnothing, and their books, of which he knew less. 

Presently the maiden asked archly: "Of course, you've read 'Romeo andJuliet?'"

He floundered helplessly for a moment and then, having a brilliantthought, blurted out, happily:

"I've--I've read Romeo!"

INSTALMENT PLAN

Half the world doesn't know how many things the other half is payinginstalments on. 

INSTRUCTIONS

A lively looking porter stood on the rear platform of a sleeping-car inthe Pennsylvania station when a fussy and choleric old man clambered upthe steps. He stopped at the door, puffed for a moment, and then turnedto the young man in uniform. 

"Porter, " he said. "I'm going to St. Louis, to the Fair. I want to bewell taken care of. I pay for it. Do you understand?"

"Yes, sir, but--"

"Never mind any 'buts. ' You listen to what I say. Keep the train boysaway from me. Dust me off whenever I want you to. Give me an extrablanket, and if there is any one in the berth over me slide him intoanother. I want you to--"

"But, say, boss, I--"

"Young man, when I'm giving instructions I prefer to do the talkingmyself. You do as I say. Here is a two-dollar bill. I want to get thegood of it. Not a word, sir. "

The train was starting. The porter pocketed the bill with a grin andswung himself to the ground. "All right, boss!" he shouted. "You can dothe talking if you want to. I'm powerful sorry you wouldn't let me tellyou--but I ain't going out on that train. "

INSURANCE, LIFE

A man went to an insurance office to have his life insured the otherday. 

"Do you cycle?" the insurance agent asked. 

"No, " said the man. 

"Do you motor?"

"No. "

"Do you, then, perhaps, fly?"

"No, no, " said the applicant, laughing; "I have no dangerous--"

But the agent interrupted him curtly. 

"Sorry, sir, " he said, "but we no longer insure pedestrians. "

INSURANCE BLANKS

_See_ Irish bulls. 

INSURGENTS

"And what, " asked a visitor to the North Dakota State Fair, "do you callthat kind of cucumber?"

"That, " replied a Fargo politician, "is the Insurgent cucumber. Itdoesn't always agree with a party. "

INTERVIEWS

"Haven't your opinions on this subject undergone a change?"

"No, " replied Senator Soghum. 

"But your views, as you expressed them some time ago?"

"Those were not my views. Those were my interviews. "

INVITATIONS

"Recently, " says a Richmond man, "I received an invitation to themarriage of a young colored couple formerly in my employ. I am quitesure that all persons similarly favored were left in little doubt as tothe attitude of the couple. The invitation ran as follows:

"You are invited to the marriage of Mr. Henry Clay Barker and MissJosephine Mortimer Dixon at the house of the bride's mother. All whocannot come may send. "--_Howard Morse_. 

One day a Chinese poor man met the head of his family in the street. 

"Come and dine with us tonight, " the mandarin said graciously. 

"Thank you, " said the poor relation. "But wouldn't tomorrow night dojust as well?"

"Yes, certainly. But where are you dining tonight?" asked the mandarincuriously. 

"At your house. You see, your estimable wife was good enough to give metonight's invitation. "

MARION (just from the telephone)--"He wanted toknow if we would go to the theater with him, and I said we would. "

MADELINE--"Who was speaking?"

MARION--"Oh, gracious! I forgot to ask. "

Little Willie wanted a birthday party, to which his mother consented, provided he ask his little friend Tommy. The boys had had trouble, but, rather than not have the party, Willie promised his mother to inviteTommy. 

On the evening of the party, when all the small guests had arrivedexcept Tommy, the mother became suspicious and sought her son. 

"Willie, " she said, "did you invite Tommy to your party tonight?"

"Yes, Mother. "

"And did he say he would not come?"

"No, " explained Willie. "I invited him all right, but I dared him tocome. "

IRISH BULLS

Two Irishmen were among a class that was being drilled in marchingtactics. One was new at the business, and, turning to his companion, asked him the meaning of the command "Halt!" "Why, " said Mike, "when hesays 'Halt, ' you just bring the foot that's on the ground to the side avthe foot that's in the air, an' remain motionless. "

"Dear teacher, " wrote little Johnny's mother, "kindly excuse John'sabsence from school yesterday afternoon, as he fell in the mud. By doingthe same you will greatly oblige his mother. "

An Irishman once was mounted on a mule which was kicking its legs ratherfreely. The mule finally got its hoof caught in the stirrup, when theIrishman excitedly remarked: "Well, begorra, if you're goin' to git onI'll git off. "

"The doctor says if 'e lasts till moring 'e'll 'ave some 'ope, but if 'edon't, the doctor says 'e give 'im up. "

For rent--A room for a gentleman with all conveniences. 

A servant of an English nobleman died and her relatives telegraphed him:"Jane died last night, and wishes to know if your lordship will pay herfuneral expenses. "

A pretty school teacher, noticing one of her little charges idle, saidsharply: "John, the devil always finds something for idle hands to do. Come up here and let me give you some work. "

A college professor, noted for strict discipline, entered the classroomone day and noticed a girl student sitting with her feet in the aisleand chewing gum. 

"Mary, " exclaimed the indignant professor, "take that gum out of yourmouth and put your feet in. "

MAGISTRATE--"You admit you stole the pig?"

PRISONER--"I 'ave to. "

MAGISTRATE--"Very well, then. There has been a lot of pig-stealing goingon lately, and I am going to make an example of you, or none of us willbe safe. "--_M. L. Hayward_. 

"In choosing his men, " said the Sabbath-school superintendent, "Gideondid not select those who laid aside their arms and threw themselves downto drink; but he took those who watched with one eye and drank with theother. "--_Joe King_. 

"If you want to put that song over you must sing louder. "

"I'm singing as loud as I can. What more can I do?"

"Be more enthusiastic. Open your mouth, and throw yourself into it. "

A little old Irishman was trying to see the Hudson-Fulton processionfrom Grant's Tomb. He stood up on a bench, but was jerked down by apoliceman. Then he tried the stone balustrade and being removed fromthat vantage point, climbed the railing of Li Hung Chang's gingko-tree. Pulled off that, he remarked: "Ye can't look at annything frum where yecan see it frum. "

MRS. JENKINS--"Mrs. Smith, we shall be neighbors now. I have bought ahouse next you, with a water frontage. "

MRS. SMITH--"So glad! I hope you will drop in some time. "

In the hall of a Philharmonic society the following notice was posted:

"The seats in this hall are for the use of the ladies. Gentlemen arerequested to make use of them only after the former are seated. "

Sir Boyle Roche is credited with saying that "no man can be in twoplaces at the same time, barring he is a bird. "

A certain high-school professor, who at times is rather blunt in speech, remarked to his class of boys at the beginning of a lesson. "I don'tknow why it is--every time I get up to speak, some fool talks. " Then hewondered why the boys burst out into a roar of laughter. --_Grub S. Arts_. 

Once, at a criminal court, a young chap from Connemara was being triedfor an agrarian murder. Needless to say, he had the gallery on his side, and the men and women began to express their admiration by stamping, notloudly, but like muffled drums. A big policeman came up to the gallery, scowled at the disturbers then, when that had no effect, called out in astage whisper:

"Wud ye howld yer tongues there! Howld yer tongues wid yer feet!"

The ways in which application forms for insurance are filled up areoften more amusing than enlightening, as The British Medical Journalshows in the following excellent selection of examples:

Mother died in infancy. 

Father went to bed feeling well, and the next morning woke up dead. 

Grandmother died suddenly at the age of 103. Up to this time she badefair to reach a ripe old age. 

Applicant does not know anything about maternal posterity, except thatthey died at an advanced age. 

Applicant does not know cause of mother's death, but states that shefully recovered from her last illness. 

Applicant has never been fatally sick. 

Applicant's brother who was an infant died when he was a mere child. 

Mother's last illness was caused from chronic rheumatism, but she wascured before death. 

IRISHMEN

A Peoria merchant deals in "Irish confetti. " We take it that he runs abrick-yard. --_Chicago Tribune_. 

Here are some words, concerning the Hibernian spoken by a New Englandpreacher, Nathaniel Ward, in the sober year of sixteen hundred--a sparkof humor struck from flint. "These Irish, anciently called'Anthropophagi, ' man-eaters, have a tradition among them that when thedevil showed Our Savior all the kingdoms of the earth and their glory, he would not show Him Ireland, but reserved it for himself; it isprobably true, for he hath kept it ever since for his own peculiar. "

An Irishman once lined up his family of seven giant-like sons andinvited his caller to take a look at them. 

"Ain't they fine boys?" inquired the father. 

"They are, " agreed the visitor. 

"The finest in the world!" exclaimed the father. "An' I nivver laidviolent hands on any one of 'em except in silf-difince. "--_PopularMagazine_. 

_See also_ Fighting; Irish bulls. 

IRREVERENCE

 There were three young women of Birmingham, And I know a sad story concerning 'em: They stuck needles and pins In the reverend shins Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em. 

 --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_. 

A few years ago Henry James reviewed a new novel by Gertrude Atherton. After reading the review Mrs. Atherton wrote to Mr. James as follows:

 "Dear Mr. James: I have read with much pleasure your review of my novel. Will you kindly let me know whether you liked it or not?"

 Sincerely, "GERTRUDE ATHERTON. "

JEWELS

 The girl with the ruby lips we like, The lass with teeth of pearl, The maid with the eyes like diamonds, The cheek-like-coral girl; The girl with the alabaster brow, The lass from the Emerald Isle. All these we like, but not the jade With the sardonyx smile. 

JEWS

What is the difference between a banana and a Jew? You can skin thebanana. 

He was quite evidently from the country and he was also quite evidentlya Yankee, and from behind his bowed spectacles he peered inquisitivelyat the little oily Jew who occupied the other half of the car seat withhim. 

The little Jew looked at him deprecatingly. "Nice day, " he beganpolitely. 

"You're a Jew, ain't you?" queried the Yankee. 

"Yes, sir, I'm a clothing salesman, " handing him a card. 

"But you're a Jew?"

"Yes, yes, I'm a Jew, " came the answer. 

"Well, " continued the Yankee, "I'm a Yankee, and in the little villagein Maine where I come from I'm proud to say there ain't a Jew. "

"Dot's why it's a village, " replied the little Jew quietly. 

The men were arguing as to who was the greatest inventor. One saidStephenson, who invented the locomotive. Another declared it was the manwho invented the compass. Another contended for Edison. Still anotherfor the Wrights, Finally one of them turned to a little man who had remained silent:

"Who do you think?"

"Vell, " he said, with a hopeful smile, "the man who invented interestwas no slouch. "

Levinsky, despairing of his life, made an appointment with a famousspecialist. He was surprised to find fifteen or twenty people in thewaiting-room. 

After a few minutes he leaned over to a gentleman near him andwhispered, "Say, mine frient, this must be a pretty goot doctor, ain'the?"

"One of the best, " the gentleman told him. 

Levinsky seemed to be worrying over something. 

"Vell, say, " he whispered again, "he must be pretty exbensive, then, ain't he? Vat does he charge?"

The stranger was annoyed by Levinsky's questions and answered rathershortly: "Fifty dollars for the first consultation and twenty-fivedollars for each visit thereafter. "

"Mine Gott!" gasped Levinsky--"Fifty tollars the first time undtwenty-five tollars each time afterwards!"

For several minutes he seemed undecided whether to go or to wait. "Undtwenty-five tollars each time afterwards, " he kept muttering. Finally, just as he was called into the office, he was seized with a brilliantinspiration. He rushed toward the doctor with outstretched hands. 

"Hello, doctor, " he said effusively. "Vell, here I am _again_. "

The Jews are among the aristocracy of every land; if a literature iscalled rich in the possession of a few classic tragedies what shall wesay to a national tragedy lasting for fifteen hundred years, in whichthe poets and the actors were also the heroes. --_George Eliot_. 

_See also_ Failures; Fires. 

JOKES

A nut and a joke are alike in that they can both be cracked, anddifferent in that the joke can be cracked again. --_William J. Burtscher_. 

JOKELY--"I got a batch of aeroplane jokes ready and sent them out lastweek. "

BOGGS--"What luck did you have with them?"

JOKELY--"Oh, they all came flying back. "--_Will S. Gidley_. 

 "I ne'er forget a joke I have Once heard!" Augustus cried. "And neither do you let your friends Forget it!" Jane replied. 

 --_Childe Harold_. 

A negro bricklayer in Macon, Georgia, was lying down during the noonhour, sleeping in the hot sun. The clock struck one, the time to pick uphis hod again. He rose, stretched, and grumbled: "I wish I wuz daid. 'Tain' nothin' but wuk, wuk from mawnin' tell night. "

Another negro, a story above, heard the complaint and dropped a brick onthe grumbler's head. 

Dazed he looked up and said:

"De Lawd can' stan' no jokes. He jes' takes ev'ything in yearnist. "

The late H. C. Bunner, when editor of _Puck_, once received a letteraccompanying a number of would-be jokes in which the writer asked: "Whatwill you give me for these?"

"Ten yards start, " was Bunner's generous offer, written beneath thequery. 

NEW CONGRESSMAN--"What can I do for you, sir?"

SALESMAN (of Statesmen's Anecdote Manufacturing Company)--"I shall bedelighted if you'll place an order for a dozen of real, live, snappy, humorous anecdotes as told by yourself, sir. "

Jokes were first imported to this country several hundred years ago fromEgypt, Babylon and Assyria, and have since then grown and multiplied. They are in extensive use in all parts of the country and as an antidotefor thought are indispensable at all dinner parties. 

There were originally twenty-five jokes, but when this country wasformed they added a constitution, which increased the number totwenty-six. These jokes have married and inter-married among themselvesand their children travel from press to press. 

Frequently in one week a joke will travel from New York to SanFrancisco. 

The joke is no respecter of persons. Shameless and unconcerned, he tellsthe story of his life over and over again. Outside of the ballot-box heis the greatest repeater that we have. 

Jokes are of three kinds--plain, illustrated and pointless. Frequentlythey are all three. 

No joke is without honor, except in its own country. Jokes form one ofour staples and employ an army of workers who toil night and day to turnout the often neatly finished product. The importation of jokes whileconsiderable is not as great as it might be, as the flavor is lost intransit. 

Jokes are used in the household as an antiseptic. As scenebreakers theyhave no equal. --_Life_. 

 Here's to the joke, the good old joke, The joke that our fathers told; It is ready tonight and is jolly and bright As it was in the days of old. 

 When Adam was young it was on his tongue, And Noah got in the swim By telling the jest as the brightest and best That ever happened to him. 

 So here's to the joke, the good old joke-- We'll hear it again tonight. It's health we will quaff; that will help us to laugh, And to treat it in manner polite. 

 --_Lew Dockstader_. 

 A jest's prosperity lies in the ear Of him that hears it, never in the tongue Of him that makes it. 

 --_Shakespeare_. 

JOURNALISM

A Louisville journalist was excessively proud of his little boy. Turningto the old black nurse, "Aunty, " said he, stroking the little pate, "this boy seems to have a journalistic head. " "Oh, " cried the untutoredold aunty, soothingly, "never you mind 'bout dat; dat'll come right intime. "

John R. McLean, owner of the Cincinnati _Enquirer_ and the Washington_Post_, tells this story of the days when he was actively in charge ofthe Cincinnati newspaper: An _Enquirer_ reporter was sent to a town insouthwestern Ohio to get the story of a woman evangelist who had beengreatly talked about. The reporter attended one of her meetings andoccupied a front seat. When those who wished to be saved were asked toarise, he kept his seat and used his notebook. The evangelistapproached, and, taking him by the hand, said, "Come to Jesus. "

"Madam, " said the newspaper man, "I'm here solely on business--to reportyour work. "

"Brother, " said she, "there is no business so important as God's. "

"Well, may be not, " said the reporter; "but you don't know John R. McLean. "

 A newspaper man named Fling Could make "copy" from any old thing. But the copy he wrote Of a five dollar note Was so good he is now in Sing Sing. 

 --_Columbia Jester_. 

"Come in, " called the magazine editor. 

"Sir, I have called to see about that article of mine that you boughttwo years ago. My name is Pensnink--Percival Perrhyn Pensnink. Mycomposition was called 'The Behavior of Chipmunks in Thunderstorms, ' andI should like to know how much longer I must watch and wait before Ishall see it in print. "

"I remember, " the editor replied. "We are saving your little essay touse at the time of your death. When public attention is drawn to anauthor we like to have something of his on hand. "

 Hear, land o' cakes, and brither Scots, Frae Maidenkirk to Johnny Groat's; If there's a hole in a' your coats, I rede you tent it: A chiel's amang you taking notes, And, faith, he'll prent it. 

 --_Burns_. 

_See also_ Newspapers. 

JUDGES

A judge once had a case in which the accused man understood only Irish. An interpreter was accordingly sworn. The prisoner said something to theinterpreter. 

"What does he say?" demanded his lordship. 

"Nothing, my lord, " was the reply. 

"How dare you say that when we all heard him? Come on, sir, what wasit?"

"My lord, " said the interpreter beginning to tremble, "it had nothing todo with the case. "

"If you don't answer I'll commit you, sir!" roared the judge. "Now, whatdid he say?"

"Well, my lord, you'll excuse me, but he said, 'Who's that old womanwith the red bed curtain round her, sitting up there?"

At which the court roared. 

"And what did you say?" asked the judge, looking a little uncomfortable. 

"I said: 'Whist, ye spalpeen! That's the ould boy that's going to hangyou. "

A gentleman of color who was brought before a police judge, on a chargeof stealing chickens, pleaded guilty. After sentencing him, the judgeasked how he had managed to steal the chickens when the coop was so nearthe owner's house and there was a vicious dog in the yard. 

"Hit wouldn't be of no use, Judge, " answered the darky, "to try to'splain dis yer thing to yo' 't all. Ef yo' was to try it, like as notyo' would get yer hide full o' shot, an' get no chicken, nuther. Ef yo'wants to engage in any rascality, Judge, yo' better stick to de benchwhar yo' am familiar. "--_Mrs. L. F. Clarke_. 

Four things belong to a judge: to hear courteously, to answer wisely, toconsider soberly, and to decide impartially. --_Socrates_. 

JUDGMENT

HUSBAND--"But you must admit that men have better judgment than women. "

WIFE--"Oh, yes--you married me, and I you. "--_Life_. 

JURY

In the south of Ireland a judge heard his usher of the court say, "Gentlemen of the jury, take your proper places, " and was convulsed withlaughter at seeing seven of them walk into the dock. 

There was recently haled into an Alabama court a little Irishman to whomthe thing was a new experience. He was, however, unabashed, and wore anair of a man determined not to "get the worst of it. "

"Prisoner at the bar, " called out the clerk, "do you wish to challengeany of the jury?"

The Celt looked the men in the box over very carefully. 

"Well, I tell ye, " he finally replied, "Oi'm not exactly in trainin', but Oi think Oi could pull off a round or two with thot fat old boy inth' corner. "

JUSTICE

There are two sides to every question-the wrong side and our side. 

"What, Tommy, in the jam again, and you whipped for it only an hourago!"

"Yes'm, but I heard you tell Auntie that you thought you whipped me toohard, so I thought I'd just even up. "

 One man's word is no man's word, Justice is that both be heard. 

He who decides a case without hearing the other side, though he decidejustly cannot be considered just. --_Seneca_. 

JUVENILE DELINQUENCY

A woman left her baby in its carriage at the door of a department-store. A policeman found it there, apparently abandoned, and wheeled it to thestation. As he passed down the street a gamin yelled: "What's the kiddone?"

KENTUCKY

Kentucky is the state where they have poor feud laws. 

KINDNESS

Kindness goes a long ways lots o' times when it ought t' stay athome. --_Abe Martin_. 

An old couple came in from the country, with a big basket of lunch, tosee the circus. The lunch was heavy. The old wife was carrying it. Asthey crossed a street, the husband held out his hand and said, "Gimmethat basket, Hannah. "

The poor old woman surrendered the basket with a grateful look. 

"That's real kind o' ye, Joshua, " she quavered. 

"Kind!" grunted the old man. "I wuz afeared ye'd git lost. "

A fat woman entered a crowded street car and seizing a strap, stooddirectly in front of a man seated in the corner. As the car started shelunged against his newspaper and at the same time trod heavily on histoes. 

As soon as he could extricate himself he rose and offered her his seat. 

"You are very kind, sir, " she said, panting for breath. 

"Not at all, madam, " he replied; "it's not kindness; it's simplyself-defense. "

KINGS AND RULERS

"I think, " said the heir apparent, "that I will add music and dancing tomy accomplishments. "

"Aren't they rather light?"

"They may seem so to you, but they will be very handy if a revolutionoccurs and I have to go into vaudeville. "

The present King George in his younger days visited Canada in companywith the Duke of Clarence. One night at a ball in Quebec, given in honorof the two royalties, the younger Prince devoted his time exclusively tothe young ladies, paying little or no attention to the elderly ones andchaperons. 

His brother reprimanded him, pointing out to him his social position andhis duty as well. 

"That's all right, " said the young Prince. "There are two of us. You goand sing God save your Grandmother, while I dance with the girls. "

 And so we sing, "Long live the King; Long live the Queen and Jack; Long live the Ten-spot and the Ace, And also all the pack. "

 --_Eugene Field_. 

FIRST EUROPEAN SOCIETY LADY--"Wouldn't you like to be presented to oursovereign?"

SECOND E. S. L. --"No. Simply because I have to be governed by a man is noreason why I should condescend to meet him socially. "

One afternoon Kaiser Wilhelm caustically reproved old General VonMeerscheidt for some small lapses. 

"If your Majesty thinks that I am too old for the service please permitme to resign, " said the General. 

"No; you are too young to resign, " said the Kaiser. 

In the evening of that same day, at a court ball, the Kaiser saw the oldGeneral talking to some young ladies, and he said:

"General, take a young wife, then your excitable temperament willvanish. "

"Excuse me, your Majesty, " replied the General. "It would kill me tohave both a young wife and a young Emperor. "

During the war of 1812, a dinner was given in Canada, at which bothAmerican and British officers were present. One of the latter offeredthe toast: "To President Madison, dead or alive!"

An American offered the response: "To the Prince Regent, drunk orsober!"--_Mrs. Gouverneur_. 

A lady of Queen Victoria's court once asked her if she did not thinkthat one of the satisfactions of the future life would be the meetingwith the notable figures of the past, such as Abraham, Isaac and KingDavid. After a moment's silence, with perfect dignity and decision thegreat Queen made answer: "I will _not_ meet David!"

 Ten poor men sleep in peace on one straw heap, as Saadi sings, But the immensest empire is too narrow for two kings. 

 --_William R. Alger_. 

 Here lies our sovereign lord, the king, Whose word no man relies on, Who never said a foolish thing, And never did a wise one. 

Said by a courtier of Charles, II. To which the King replied, "That isvery true, for my words are my own. My actions are my minister's. "

KISSES

 Here's to a kiss: Give me a kiss, and to that kiss add a score, Then to that twenty add a hundred more; A thousand to that hundred, and so kiss on, To make that thousand quite a million, Treble that million, and when that is done Let's kiss afresh as though we'd just begun. 

"If I should kiss you I suppose you'd go and tell your mother. "

"No; my lawyer. "

"What is he so angry with you for?"

"I haven't the slightest idea. We met in the street, and we were talkingjust as friendly as could be, when all of a sudden he flared up andtried to kick me. "

"And what were you talking about?"

"Oh, just ordinary small talk. I remember he said, 'I always kiss mywife three or four times every day. '"

"And what did you say?"

"I said, 'I know at least a dozen men who do the same, ' and then he hada fit. "

 There was an old maiden from Fife, Who had never been kissed in her life; Along came a cat; And she said, "I'll kiss that!" But the cat answered, "Not on your life!"

 Here's to the red of the holly berry, And to its leaf so green; And here's to the lips that are just as red, And the fellow who's not so green. 

 There was a young sailor of Lyd, Who loved a fair Japanese kid; When it came to good-bye, They were eager but shy, So they put up a sunshade and--did. 

 There once was a maiden of Siam, Who said to her lover, young Kiam, "If you kiss me, of course You will have to use force, But God knows you're stronger than I am. "

Lord! I wonder what fool it was that first invented kissing. --_Swift_. 

_See also_ Courtship; Servants. 

KNOWLEDGE

A physician was driving through a village when he saw a man amusing acrowd with the antics of his trick dog. The doctor pulled up and said:"My dear man, how do you manage to train your dog that way? I can'tteach mine a single trick. "

The man glanced up with a simple rustic look and replied: "Well, yousee, it's this way; you have to know more'n the dog or you can't learnhim nothin'. "

With knowledge and love the world is made. --_Anatole France_. 

KULTUR

HERR HAMMERSCHLEGEL (winding up the argument)--"I think you iss a stupidfool!"

MONSIEUR--"And I sink you a polite gentleman; but possible, is it, weboth mistaken. "--_Life_. 

LABOR AND LABORING CLASSES

A farmer in great need of extra hands at haying time finally asked SiWarren, who was accounted the town fool, if he could help him out. 

"What'll ye pay?" asked Si. 

"I'll pay you what you're worth, " answered the farmer. 

Si scratched his head a minute, then answered decisively:

"I'll be _durned_ if I'll work for that!"

LADIES

_See_ Etiquet; Woman. 

LANDLORDS

An English tourist was sightseeing in Ireland and the guide had pointedout the Devil's Gap, the Devil's Peak, and the Devil's Leap to him. 

"Pat, " he said, "the devil seems to have a great deal of property inthis district!"

"He has, sir, " replied the guide, "but, sure, he's like all thelandlords--he lives in England!"

LANGUAGES

George Ade, with a fellow American, was traveling in the Orient, and hiscompanion one day fell into a heated argument with an old Arab. Ade'sfriend complained to him afterward that although he had spent years instudying Arabic in preparation for this trip he could not understand aword that the native said. 

"Never mind, " replied Ade consolingly. "You see, the old duffer hasn't atooth in his head, and he was only talking gum-Arabic. "

Milton was one day asked by a friend whether he would instruct hisdaughters in the different languages. 

"No, sir, " he said; "one tongue is sufficient for any woman. "

Prince Bismarck was once pressed by a certain American official torecommend his son for a diplomatic post. "He is a very remarkablefellow, " said the proud father; "he speaks seven languages. "

"Indeed!" said Bismarck, who did not hold a very high opinion oflinguistic acquirements. "What a wonderful headwaiter he would make!"

LAUGHTER

TEACHER--"Freddie, you musn't laugh out loud in the schoolroom. "

FREDDIE--"I didn't mean to do it. I was smiling, and the smile busted. "

 Laugh and the world laughs with you, Weep, and the laugh's on you. 

About the best and finest thing in this world is laughter. --_Anna AliceChapin_. 

LAW

_See_ Punishment. 

LAWYERS

Ignorance of the law does not prevent the losing lawyer from collectinghis bill. --_Puck_. 

George Ade had finished his speech at a recent dinner-party, and onseating himself a well-known lawyer rose, shoved his hands deep into histrousers' pockets, as was his habit and laughingly inquired of thosepresent:

"Doesn't it strike the company as a little unusual that a professionalhumorist should be funny?"

When the laugh had subsided, Ade drawled out:

"Doesn't it strike the company as a little unusual that a lawyer shouldhave his hands in his own pockets?"

A man was charged with stealing a horse, and after a long trial the juryacquitted him. Later in the day the man came back and asked the judgefor a warrant against the lawyer who had successfully defended him. 

"What's the charge?" inquired the judge. 

"Why, Your Honor, " replied the man, "you see, I didn't have the money topay him his fee, so he took the horse I stole. "--_J. J. O'Connell_. 

An elderly darky in Georgia, charged with the theft of some chickens, had the misfortune to be defended by a young and inexperienced attorney, although it is doubtful whether anyone could have secured his acquittal, the commission of the crime having been proved beyond all doubt. 

The darky received a pretty severe sentence. "Thank you, sah, " said hecheerfully, addressing the judge when the sentence had been pronounced. "Dat's mighty hard, sah, but it ain't anywhere what I 'spected. Ithought, sah, dat between my character and dat speech of my lawyer datyou'd hang me, shore!"

"You have a pretty tough looking lot of customers to dispose of thismorning, haven't you?" remarked the friend of a magistrate, who haddropped in at the police court. 

"Huh!" rejoined the dispenser of justice, "you are looking at the wrongbunch. Those are the lawyers. "

"Did youse git anyt'ing?" whispered the burglar on guard as his palemerged from the window. 

"Naw, de bloke wot lives here is a lawyer, " replied the other indisgust. 

"Dat's hard luck, " said the first; "did youse lose anyt'ing?"

The dean of the Law Department was very busy and rather cross. Thetelephone rang. 

"Well, what is it?" he snapped. 

"Is that the city gas-works?" said a woman's soft voice. 

"No, madam, " roared the dean; "this is the University Law Department. "

"Ah, " she answered in the sweetest of tones, "I didn't miss it so far, after all, did I?"--_Carl Holliday_. 

A lawyer cross-examining a witness, asked him where he was on aparticular day; to which he replied that he had been in the company oftwo friends. "Friends. '" exclaimed his tormentor; "two thieves, Isuppose. " "They may be so, " replied the witness, dryly, "for they areboth lawyers. "

An impecunious young lawyer recently received the following letter froma tailor to whom he was indebted:

 "Dear Sir: Kindly advise me by return mail when I may expect a remittance from you in settlement of my account. 

 Yours truly, J. SNIPPEN. "

The follower of Blackstone immediately replied:

 "Dear Sir: I have your request for advice of a recent date, and beg leave to say that not having received any retainer from you I cannot act in the premises. Upon receipt of your check for $250 I shall be very glad to look the matter up for you and to acquaint you with the results of my investigations. 

 I am, sir, with great respect, your most obedient servant, BARCLAY B. COKE. "

A prisoner was brought before the bar in the criminal court, but was notrepresented by a lawyer. 

"Where is your lawyer?" asked the judge who presided. 

"I have none, sir, " replied the prisoner. 

"Why not?" queried the judge. 

"Because I have no money to pay one. "

"Do you want a lawyer?" asked the judge. 

"Yes, sir. "

"Well, there are Mr. Thomas W. Wilson, Mr. Henry Eddy, and Mr. GeorgeRogers, " said the judge, pointing to several young attorneys who weresitting in the room, waiting for something to turn up, "and Mr. Allen isout in the hall. "

The prisoner looked at the attorneys, and, after a critical survey, heturned to the judge and said:

"If I can take my choice, sir, I guess I'll take Mr. Allen. "--_A. S. Hitchcock_. 

"What is that little boy crying about?" asked the benevolent old lady ofthe ragged boy. 

"Dat other kid swiped his candy, " was the response. 

"But how is it that you have the candy now?"

"Sure I got de candy now. I'm de little kid's lawyer. "

A man walking along the street of a village stepped into a hole in thesidewalk and broke his leg. He engaged a famous lawyer, brought suitagainst the village for one thousand dollars and won the case. The cityappealed to the Supreme Court, but again the great lawyer won. 

After the claim was settled the lawyer sent for his client and handedhim one dollar. 

"What's this?" asked the man. 

"That's your damages, after taking out my fee, the cost of appeal andother expenses, " replied the counsel. 

The man looked at the dollar, turned it over and carefully scanned theother side. Then looked up at the lawyer and said: "What's the matterwith this dollar? Is it counterfeit?"

Deceive not thy Physician, Confessor nor Lawyer. 

 A Sergeant of the Lawe, war and wys Ther was also, ful riche of excellence. Discreet he was, and of greet reverence: He seemed swich, his wordes weren so wyse. * * * No-wher so bisy a man as he ther nas, And yet he seemed bisier than he was. 

 --_Chaucer_. 

LAZINESS

A tourist in the mountains of Tennessee once had dinner with a querulousold mountaineer who yarned about hard times for fifteen minutes at astretch. 

"Why, man, " said the tourist, "you ought to be able to make lots ofmoney shipping green corn to the northern market. "

"Yes, I otter, " was the sullen reply. 

"You have the land, I suppose, and can get the seed. "

"Yes, I guess so. "

"Then why don't you go into the speculation?"

"No use, stranger, " sadly replied the cracker, "the old woman is toolazy to do the plowin' and plantin'. "

While the train was waiting on a side track down in Georgia, one of thepassengers walked over to a cabin near the track, in front of which sata cracker dog, howling. The passenger asked a native why the dog washowling. 

"Hookworm, " said the native. "He's lazy. "

"But, " said the stranger, "I was not aware that the hookworm ispainful. "

"'Taint, " responded the garrulous native. 

"Why, then, " the stranger queried, "should the dog howl?"

"Lazy. "

"But why does laziness make him howl?"

"Wal, " said the Georgian, "that blame fool dawg is sittin' on asand-bur, an' he's too tarnation lazy to get off, so he jes' sets tharan' howls 'cause it hurts. "

"How's times?" inquired a tourist. 

"Oh, pretty tolerable, " responded the old native who was sitting on astump. "I had some trees to cut down, but a cyclone come along and savedme the trouble. "

"Fine. "

"Yes, and then the lightning set fire to the brush pile and saved me thetrouble of burnin' it. "

"Remarkable. But what are you going to do now?"

"Oh, nothin' much. Jest waitin' for an earthquake to come along andshake the potatoes out of the ground. "

A tramp, after a day or two in the hustling, bustling town of Denver, shook the Denver dust from his boots with a snarl. 

"They must be durn lazy people in this town. Everywhere you turn theyoffer you work to do. "

An Atlanta man tells of an amusing experience he had in a mountainousregion in a southwestern state, where the inhabitants are notoriouslyshiftless. Arriving at a dilapidated shanty at the noon hour, heinquired as to the prospects for getting dinner. 

The head of the family, who had been "resting" on a fallen tree in frontof his dwelling, made reply to the effect that he "guessed Ma'd hevsuthin' on to the table putty soon. "

With this encouragement, the traveler dismounted. To his chagrin, however, he soon discovered that the food set before him was such thathe could not possibly "make a meal. " He made such excuses as he couldfor his lack of appetite, and finally bethought himself of a kind ofnourishment which he might venture to take, and which was sure to befound in any locality. He asked for some milk. 

"Don't have milk no more, " said the head of the place. "The dawg'sdead. "

"The dog!" cried the stranger. "What on earth has the dog to do withit?"

"Well, " explained the host meditatively, "them cows don't seem to know'nough to come up and be milked theirselves. The dog, he used to go for'em an' fetch 'em up. "--_Edwin Tarrisse_. 

Some temptations come to the industrious, but all temptations attack theidle. --_Spurgeon_. 

LEAP YEAR

A girl looked calmly at a caller one evening and remarked:

"George, as it is leap year--"

The caller turned pale. 

"As it is leap year, " she continued, "and you've been calling regularlynow four nights a week for a long, long time, George, I propose--"

"I'm not in a position to marry on my salary Grace" George interruptedhurriedly. 

"I know that, George, " the girl pursued, "and so, as it is leap year, Ithought I'd propose that you lay off and give some of the more eligiblefellows a chance. "--_L. F. Clarke_. 

LEGISLATORS

Thomas B. Reed was one of the Legislative Committee sent to inspect aninsane asylum. There was a dance on the night the committee spent in theinvestigation, and Mr. Reed took for a partner one of the fairunfortunates to whom he was introduced. 

"I don't remember having seen you here before, " said she; "how long haveyou been in the asylum?"

"Oh, I only came down yesterday, " said the gentleman, "as one of theLegislative Committee. "

"Of course, " returned the lady; "how stupid I am! However, I knew youwere an inmate or a member of the Legislature the moment I looked atyou. But how was I to know? It is so difficult to know which. "

LIARS

There are three kinds of liars:

1. The man whom others can't believe. He is harmless. Let him alone. 

2. The man who can't believe others. He has probably made a carefulstudy of human nature. If you don't put him in jail, he will find outthat you are a hypocrite. 

3. The man who can't believe himself. He is a cautious individual. Encourage him. 

Two Irishmen were working on the roof of a building one day when onemade a misstep and fell to the ground. The other leaned over and called:

"Are yez dead or alive, Mike?"

"Oi'm alive, " said Mike feebly. 

"Sure you're such a liar Oi don't know whether to belave yez or not. "

"Well, then, Oi must be dead, " said Mike, "for yez would never dare tocall me a liar if Oi wor aloive. "

FATHER (reprovingly)--"Do you know what happens to liars when they die?"

JOHNNY--"Yes, sir; they lie still. "

A private, anxious to secure leave of absence, sought his captain with amost convincing tale about a sick wife breaking her heart for hisabsence. The officer, familiar with the soldier's ways, replied:

"I am afraid you are not telling the truth. I have just received aletter from your wife urging me not to let you come home because you getdrunk, break the furniture, and mistreat her shamefully. "

The private saluted and started to leave the room. He paused at thedoor, asking: "Sor, may I speak to you, not as an officer, but as mon tomon?"

"Yes; what is it?"

"Well, sor, what I'm after sayin' is this, " approaching the captain andlowering his voice. "You and I are two of the most iligant liars theLord ever made. I'm not married at all. "

A conductor and a brakeman on a Montana railroad differ as to the properpronunciation of the name Eurelia. Passengers are often startled uponarrival at his station to hear the conductor yell:

"You're a liar! You're a liar!"

And then from the brakeman at the other end of the car:

"You really are! You really are!"

MOTHER--"Oh, Bobby, I'm ashamed of you. I never told stories when I wasa little girl. "

BOBBY--"When did you begin, then, Mamma?"--_Horace Zimmerman_. 

The sages of the general store were discussing the veracity of old SiPerkins when Uncle Bill Abbott ambled in. 

"What do you think about it, Uncle Bill?" they asked him. "Would youcall Si Perkins a liar?"

"Well, " answered Uncle Bill slowly, as he thoughtfully studied theceiling, "I don't know as I'd go so far as to call him a liar exactly, but I do know this much: when feedin' time comes, in order to get anyresponse from his hogs, he has to get somebody else to call 'em forhim. "

A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and an ever present help in timeof trouble. 

An Idaho guide whose services were retained by some wealthy youngeasterners desirous of hunting in the Northwest evidently took them tobe the greenest of tenderfoots, since he undertook to chaff them with arecital something as follows:

"It was my first grizzly, so I was mighty proud to kill him in ahand-to-hand struggle. We started to fight about sunrise. When hefinally gave up the ghost, the sun was going down. "

At this point the guide paused to note the effect of his story. Not aword was said by the easterners, so the guide added very slowly, "_forthe second time_. "

"I gather, then, " said one young gentleman, a dapper little Bostonian, "that it required a period of two days to enable you to dispose of thatgrizzly. "

"Two days and a night, " said the guide, with a grin. "That grizzly diedmighty hard. "

"Choked to death?" asked the Bostonian. 

"Yes, _sir_, " said the guide. 

"Pardon me, " continued the Hubbite, "but what did you try to get him toswallow?"

 When by night the frogs are croaking, Kindle but a torch's fire; Ha! how soon they all are silent; Thus Truth silences the liar. 

 --_Friedrich von Logan_. 

_See also_ Epitaphs; Husbands; Politicians; Real estate agents; Regrets. 

LIBERTY

Liberty is being free from the things we don't like in order to beslaves of the things we do like. 

 A day, an hour, of virtuous liberty Is worth a whole eternity in bondage. 

 --_Addison_. 

Where liberty dwells, there is my country. --_Benjamin Franklin_. 

LIBRARIANS

A country newspaper printed the following announcement: "The PublicLibrary will close for two weeks, beginning August 3, for the annualcleaning and vacation of the librarians. "

The modern librarian is a genius. All the proof needed is the statementthat the requests for books with queer titles are filled with onesreally wanted. The following are instances:

 AS ASKED FOR CORRECT TITLE

 _Indecent Orders In Deacon's Orders She Combeth Not Her Head She Cometh Not, She Said Trial of a Servant Trail of the Serpent Essays of a Liar Essays of Elia Soap and Tables Æsop's Fables Pocketbook's Hill Puck of Pook's Hill Dentist's Infirmary Dante's Inferno Holy Smoke Divine Fire_

One librarian has the following entries in a card catalog:

 Lead Poisoning Do, Kindly Light. 

A distinguished librarian is a good follower of Chesterton. He says: "Tomy way of thinking, a great librarian must have a clear head, a stronghand and, above all, a great heart. Such shall be greatest amonglibrarians; and when I look into the future, I am inclined to think thatmost of the men who will achieve this greatness will be women. "

Many catalogers append notes to the main entries of their catalogs. Hereare two:

 _An Ideal Husband_: Essentially a work of fiction, and presumably written by a woman (unmarried). 

 _Aspects of Home Rule_: Political, not domestic. 

In a branch library a reader asked for _The Girl He Married_ (by JamesGrant. ) This happened to be out, and the assistant was requested toselect a similar book. Presumably he was a benedict, for he returnedtriumphantly with _His Better Half_ (by George Griffith). 

"Have you _A Joy Forever_?" inquired a lady borrower. 

"No, " replied the assistant librarian after referring to thestock. "Dear me, how tiresome, " said the lady; "have you Praed?" "Yes, madam, but it isn't any good, " was the prompt reply. 

LIFE

Life's an aquatic meet--some swim, some dive, some back water, somefloat and the rest--sink. 

 I count life just a stuff To try the soul's strength on. 

 --_Robert Browning_. 

 May you live as long as you like, And have what you like as long as you live. 

 "Live, while you live, " the epicure would say, "And seize the pleasures of the present day;" "Live, while you live, " the sacred Preacher cries, "And give to God each moment as it flies. " "Lord, in my views let both united be; I live in _pleasure_, when I live to _Thee_. "

 --_Philip Doddridge_. 

 This world that we're a-livin' in Is mighty hard to beat, For you get a thorn with every rose-- But ain't the roses sweet!

Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that is the stufflife is made of. --_Benjamin Franklin_. 

LISPING

"Have you lost another tooth, Bethesda?" asked auntie, who noticed anunusual lisp. 

"Yes'm, " replied the four-year-old, "and I limp now when I talk. "

LOST AND FOUND

"I ain't losing any faith in human nature, " said Uncle Eben, "but Ikain't he'p noticin' dat dere's allus a heap mo' ahticles advertised'Lost' dan dar is 'Found. '"

"What were you in for?" asked the friend. 

"I found a horse. "

"Found a horse? Nonsense! They wouldn't jug you for finding a horse. "

"Well, but you see I found him before the owner lost him. "

"Party that lost purse containing twenty dollars need worry nolonger--it has been found. "--_Brooklyn Life_. 

A lawyer having offices in a large office building recently lost acuff-link, one of a pair that he greatly prized. Being absolutelycertain that he had dropped the link somewhere in the building he postedthis notice:

"Lost. A gold cuff-link. The owner, William Ward, will deeply appreciateits immediate return. "

That afternoon, on passing the door whereon this notice was posted, whatwere the feelings of the lawyer to observe that appended thereto werethese lines:

"The finder of the missing cuff-link would deem it a great favor if theowner would kindly lose the other link. "

CHINAMAN--"You tellee me where railroad depot?"

CITIZEN--"What's the matter, John? Lost?"

CHINAMAN--"No! me here. Depot lost. "

LOVE

Love is an insane desire on the part of a chump to pay a woman'sboard-bill for life. 

MR. SLIMPURSE--"But why do you insist that our daughter should marry aman whom she does not like? You married for love, didn't you?"

MRS. SLIMPURSE--"Yes; but that is no reason why I should let ourdaughter make the same blunder. "

MAUDE--"Jack is telling around that you are worth your weight in gold. "

ETHEL--"The foolish boy. Who is he telling it to?"

MAUDE--"His creditors. "

RICH MAN--"Would you love my daughter just as much if she had no money?"

SUITOR--"Why, certainly!"

RICH MAN--"That's sufficient. I don't want any idiots in this family. "

 'Tis better to have lived and loved Than never to have lived at all. 

 --_Judge_. 

May we have those in our arms that we love in our hearts. 

Here's to love, the only fire against which there is no insurance. 

 Here's to those that I love; Here's to those who love me; Here's to those who love those that I love. Here's to those who love those who love me. 

It is best to love wisely, no doubt; but to love foolishly is betterthan not to be able to love at all. --_Thackeray_. 

 Mysterious love, uncertain treasure, Hast thou more of pain or pleasure! * * * * * * * * * Endless torments dwell about thee: Yet who would live, and live without thee!

 --_Addison_. 

 O, love, love, love! Love is like a dizziness; It winna let a poor body Gang about his biziness!

 --_Hogg_. 

Let the man who does not wish to be idle, fall in love. --_Ovid_. 

LOYALTY

Jenkins, a newly wedded suburbanite, kissed his wife goodby the othermorning, and, telling her he would be home at six o'clock that evening, got into his auto and started for town. 

At six o'clock no hubby had appeared, and the little wife began to getnervous. When the hour of midnight arrived she could bear the suspenseno longer, so she aroused her father and sent him off to the telegraphoffice with six telegrams to as many brother Elks living in town, askingeach if her husband was stopping with him overnight. 

Morning came, and the frantic wife had received no intelligence of themissing man. As dawn appeared, a farm wagon containing a farmer and thederelict husband drove up to the house, while behind the wagon trailedthe broken-down auto. Almost simultaneously came a messenger boy with ananswer to one of the telegrams, followed at intervals by five others. All of them read:

"Yes, John is spending the night with me. "--_Bush Phillips_. 

BOY--"Come quick, there's a man been fighting my father more'n half anhour. "

POLICEMAN--"Why didn't you tell me before?"

BOY--"'Cause father was getting the best of it till a few minutes ago. "

LUCK

Some people are so fond of ill-luck that they run half-way to meetit. --_Douglas Jerrold_. 

 O, once in each man's life, at least, Good luck knocks at his door; And wit to seize the flitting guest Need never hunger more. But while the loitering idler waits Good luck beside his fire, The bold heart storms at fortunes gates, And conquers its desire. 

 --_Lewis J. Bates_. 

"Tommy, " said his brother, "you're a regular little glutton. How can youeat so much?"

"Don't know; it's just good luck, " replied the youngster. 

A negro who was having one misfortune after another said he was havingas bad luck as the man with only a fork when it was raining soup. 

_See also_ Windfalls. 

MAINE

The Governor of Maine was at the school and was telling the pupils whatthe people of different states were called. 

"Now, " he said, "the people from Indiana are called 'Hoosiers'; thepeople from North Carolina 'Tar Heels'; the people from Michigan we knowas 'Michiganders. ' Now, what little boy or girl can tell me what thepeople of Maine are called?"

"I know, " said a little girl. 

"Well, what are we called?" asked the Governor. 

"Maniacs. "

MAKING GOOD

"What's become ob dat little chameleon Mandy had?" inquired Rufus. 

"Oh, de fool chile done lost him, " replied Zeke. "She wuz playin' wifhim one day, puttin' him on red to see him turn red, an' on blue to seehim turn blue, an' on green to see him turn green, an' so on. Den defool gal, not satisfied wif lettin' well enough alone, went an' put himon a plaid, an' de poor little thing went an' bust himself tryin' tomake good. "

_See also_ Success. 

MALARIA

The physician had taken his patient's pulse and temperature, andproceeded to ask the usual questions. 

"It--er--seems, " said he, regarding the unfortunate with scientificinterest, "that the attacks of fever and the chills appear on alternatedays. Do you think--is it your opinion--that they have, so to speak, decreased in violence, if I may use that word?"

The patient smiled feebly. "Doc, " said he, "on fever days my head's sohot I can't think, and on ague days I shake so I can't hold an opinion. "

MARKS(WO)MANSHIP

An Irishman who, with his wife, is employed on a truck-farm in NewJersey, recently found himself in a bad predicament, when, in attemptingto evade the onslaughts of a savage dog, assistance came in the shape ofhis wife. 

When the woman came up, the dog had fastened his teeth in the calf ofher husband's leg and was holding on for dear life. Seizing a stone inthe road, the Irishman's wife was about to hurl it, when the husband, with wonderful presence of mind, shouted:

"Mary! Mary! Don't throw the stone at the dog! throw it at me!"

 Mary had a little lamb, It's fleece was gone in spots, For Mary fired her father's gun, And lamby caught the shots!

 --_Columbia Jester_. 

MARRIAGE

MRS. QUACKENNESS--"Am yo' daughtar happily mar'd, Sistah Sagg?"

MRS. SAGG--"She sho' is! Bless goodness she's done got a husband dat'sskeered to death of her!"

"Where am I?" the invalid exclaimed, waking from the long delirium offever and feeling the comfort that loving hands had supplied. "Where amI--in heaven?"

"No, dear, " cooed his wife; "I am still with you. "

Archbishop Ryan was visiting a small parish in a mining district one dayfor the purpose of administering confirmation, and asked one nervouslittle girl what matrimony is. 

"It is a state of terrible torment which those who enter are compelledto undergo for a time to prepare them for a brighter and better world, "she said. 

"No, no, " remonstrated her rector; "that isn't matrimony: that's thedefinition of purgatory. "

"Leave her alone, " said the Archbishop; "maybe she is right. What do youand I know about it?"

"Was Helen's marriage a success?"

"Goodness, yes. Why, she is going to marry a nobleman on thealimony. "--_Judge_. 

JENNIE--"What makes George such a pessimist?"

JACK--"Well, he's been married three times--once for love, once formoney and the last time for a home. "

Matrimony is the root of all evil. 

One day Mary, the charwoman, reported for service with a black eye. 

"Why, Mary, " said her sympathetic mistress, "what a bad eye you have!"

"Yes'm. "

"Well, there's one consolation. It might have been worse. "

"Yes'm. "

"You might have had both of them hurt. "

"Yes'm. Or worse'n that: I might not ha' been married at all. "

A wife placed upon her husband's tombstone: "He had been married fortyyears and was prepared to die. "

"I can take a hundred words a minute, " said the stenographer. 

"I often take more than that, " said the prospective employer; "but thenI have to, I'm married. "

A man and his wife were airing their troubles on the sidewalk oneSaturday evening when a good Samaritan intervened. 

"See here, my man, " he protested, "this sort of thing won't do. "

"What business is it of yours, I'd like to know, " snarled the man, turning from his wife. 

"It's only my business in so far as I can be of help in settling thisdispute, " answered the Samaritan mildly. 

"This ain't no dispute, " growled the man. 

"No dispute! But, my dear friend--"

"I tell you it ain't no dispute, " insisted the man. "She"--jerking histhumb toward the woman--"thinks she ain't goin to get my week's wages, and I know darn well she ain't. Where's the dispute in that?"

HIS BETTER HALF--"I think it's time we got Lizzie married and settleddown, Alfred. She will be twenty-eight next week you know. "

HER LESSER HALF--"Oh, don't hurry, my dear. Better wait till the rightsort of man comes along. "

HIS BETTER HALF--"But why wait? I didn't!"

O'Flanagan came home one night with a deep band of black crape aroundhis hat. 

"Why, Mike!" exclaimed his wife. "What are ye wearin' thot mournfulthing for?"

"I'm wearin' it for yer first husband, " replied Mike firmly. "I'm sorryhe's dead. "

"What a strangely interesting face your friend the poet has, " gurgledthe maiden of forty. "It seems to possess all the elements of happinessand sorrow, each struggling for supremacy. "

"Yes, he looks to me like a man who was married and didn't know it, "growled the Cynical Bachelor. 

The not especially sweet-tempered young wife of a Kaslo B. C. , man oneday approached her lord concerning the matter of one hundred dollars orso. 

"I'd like to let you have it, my dear, " began the husband, "but thefact is I haven't that amount in the bank this morning--that is to say, I haven't that amount to spare, inasmuch as I must take up a note fortwo hundred dollars this afternoon. "

"Oh, very well, James!" said the wife, with an ominous calmness, "If youthink the man who holds the note can make things any hotter for you thanI can--why, do as you say, James!"

A young lady entered a book store and inquired of the gentlemanlyclerk--a married man, by-the-way--if he had a book suitable for an oldgentleman who had been married fifty years. 

Without the least hesitation the clerk reached for a copy of Parkman's"A Half Century of Conflict. "

Smith and Jones were discussing the question of who should be head ofthe house--the man or the woman. 

"I am the head of my establishment, " said Jones. "I am the bread-winner. Why shouldn't I be?"

"Well, " replied Smith, "before my wife and I were married we made anagreement that I should make the rulings in all major things, my wife inall the minor. "

"How has it worked?" queried Jones. 

Smith smiled. "So far, " he replied, "no major matters have come up. "

A poor lady the other day hastened to the nursery and said to her littledaughter:

"Minnie, what do you mean by shouting and screaming? Play quietly, likeTommy. See, he doesn't make a sound. "

"Of course he doesn't, " said the little girl. "That is our game. He ispapa coming home late, and I am you. "

The stranger advanced toward the door. Mrs. O'Toole stood in the doorwaywith a rough stick in her left hand and a frown on her brow. 

"Good morning, " said the stranger politely. "I'm looking for Mr. O'Toole. "

"So'm I, " said Mrs. O'Toole, shifting her club over to her other hand. 

TIM--"Sarer Smith (you know 'er--Bill's missus), she throwed herselfhorf the end uv the wharf larst night. "

TOM--"Poor Sarer!"

TIM--"An' a cop fished 'er out again. "

TOM--"Poor Bill!"

The cooing stops with the honeymoon, but the billing goes on forever. 

"Well, old man, how did you get along after I left you at midnight. Gethome all right?"

"No; a confounded nosey policeman haled me to the station, where I spentthe rest of the night. "

"Lucky dog! I reached home. "

STRANGER--"What's the fight about?"

NATIVE--"The feller on top is Hank Hill wot married the widder Strong, an' th' other's Joel Jenks, wot interdooced him to her. "--_Life_. 

A colored man had been arrested on a charge of beating and cruellymisusing his wife. After hearing the charge against the prisoner, thejustice turned to the first witness. 

"Madam, " he said, "if this man were your husband and had given you abeating, would you call in the police?"

The woman addressed, a veritable Amazon in size and aggressiveness, turned a smiling countenance towards the justice and answered: "No, jedge. If he was mah husban', and he treated me lak he did 'is wife, Ahwouldn't call no p'liceman. No, sah, Ah'd call de undertaker. "

We admire the strict impartiality of the judge who recently fined hiswife twenty-five dollars for contempt of court, but we would hate tohave been in the judge's shoes when he got home that night. 

"How many children have you?" asked the census-taker. 

The man addressed removed the pipe from his mouth, scratched his head, thought it over a moment, and then replied:

"Five--four living and one married. "

SHE--"How did they ever come to marry?"

HE--"Oh, it's the same old story. Started out to be good friends, youknow, and later on changed their minds. "--_Puck_. 

Nat Goodwin and a friend were walking along Fifth Avenue one afternoonwhen they stopped to look into a florist's window, in which there was anartistic arrangement of exquisite roses. 

"What wonderful American Beauties those are, Nat!" said the frienddelightedly. 

"They are, indeed, " replied Nat. 

"You see, I am very fond of that flower, " continued the friend. "Infact, I might say it is my favorite. You know, Nat, I married anAmerican beauty. "

"Well, " said Nat dryly, "you haven't got anything on me. I married acluster. "

"Are you quite sure that was a marriage license you gave me last month?"

"Of course! What's the matter?"

"Well, I thought there might be some mistake, seeing that I've lived adog's life ever since. "

Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginningof the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, andsuch as are out wish to get in. --_Emerson_. 

HOUSEHOLDER--"Here, drop that coat and clear out!"

BURGLAR--"You be quiet, or I'll wake your wife and give her this letterI found in your pocket. "

The reason why so few marriages are happy is because young ladies spendtheir time in making nets, not in making cages. --_Swift_. 

_See also_ Church discipline; Domestic finance; Trouble. 

MARRIAGE FEES

A poor couple who went to the priest to be wedded were met with a demandfor the marriage fee. It was not forth-coming. Both the consentingparties were rich in love and in their prospects, but destitute offinancial resources. The father was obdurate. "No money, no marriage. "

"Give me l'ave, your riverence, " said the blushing bride, "to go and getthe money. "

It was given, and she sped forth on the delicate mission of raising amarriage fee out of pure nothing. After a short interval she returnedwith the sum of money, and the ceremony was completed to thesatisfaction of all. When the parting was taking place the newly-madewife seemed a little uneasy. 

"Anything on your mind, Catherine?" said the father. 

"Well, your riverence, I would like to know if this marriage could notbe spoiled now. "

"Certainly not, Catherine. No man can put you asunder. "

"Could you not do it yourself, father? Could you not spoil themarriage?"

"No, no, Catherine. You are past me now. I have nothing more to do withyour marriage. "

"That aises me mind, " said Catherine, "and God bless your riverence. There's the ticket for your hat. I picked it up in the lobby and pawnedit. "

MANDY--"What foh yo' been goin'to de post-office so reg'lar? Are yo'corresponding wif some other female?"

RASTUS--"Nope; but since ah been a-readin' in de papers 'bout dese'conscience funds' ah kind of thought ah might possibly git a lettahfrom dat ministah what married us. "--_Life_. 

 The knot was tied; the pair were wed, And then the smiling bridegroom said Unto the preacher, "Shall I pay To you the usual fee today. Or would you have me wait a year And give you then a hundred clear, If I should find the marriage state As happy as I estimate?" The preacher lost no time in thought, To his reply no study brought, There were no wrinkles on his brow: Said he, "I'll take three dollars now. "

MATHEMATICS

_See_ Arithmetic. 

MATRIMONY

_See_ Marriage. 

MEASURING INSTRUMENTS

"Golly, but I's tired!" exclaimed a tall and thin negro, meeting a shortand stout friend on Washington Street. 

"What you been doin' to get tired?" demanded the other. 

"Well, " explained the thin one, drawing a deep breath, "over to BrotherSmith's dey are measurin' de house for some new carpets. Dey haven't gotno yawdstick, and I's just ezactly six feet tall. So to oblige BrotherSmith, I's been a-layin' down and a-gettin' up all over deir house. "

MEDICAL INSPECTION OF SCHOOLS

PASSER-BY--"What's the fuss in the schoolyard, boy?"

THE BOY--"Why, the doctor has just been around examinin' us an' one ofthe deficient boys is knockin' th' everlastin' stuffin's out of aperfect kid. "

MEDICINE

The farmer's mule had just balked in the road when the country doctorcame by. The farmer asked the physician if he could give him somethingto start the mule. The doctor said he could, and, reaching down into hismedicine case, gave the animal some powders. The mule switched his tail, tossed his head and started on a mad gallop down the road. The farmerlooked first at the flying animal and then at the doctor. 

"How much did that medicine cost, Doc?" he asked. 

"Oh, about fifteen cents, " said the physician. 

"Well, give me a quarter's worth, quick!" And he swallowed it. "I've gotto catch that mule. "

"I hope you are following my instructions carefully, Sandy--the pillsthree times a day and a drop of whisky at bedtime. "

"Weeel, sir, I may be a wee bit behind wi' the pills, but I'm about sixweeks in front wi' the whusky. "

Rarely has a double meaning turned with more deadly effect upon aninnocent perpetrator than in an advertisement lately appearing in awestern newspaper. He wrote: "Wanted--a gentleman to undertake the saleof a patent medicine. The advertiser guarantees it will be profitable tothe undertaker. "

I firmly believe that if the whole _materia medico_ could be sunk to thebottom of the sea, it would be all the better for mankind and all theworse for the fishes. --_O. W. Holmes_. 

A man's own observation, what he finds good of, and what he finds hurtof, is the best physic to preserve health. --_Bacon_. 

MEEKNESS

One evening just before dinner a wife, who had been playing bridge allthe afternoon, came in to find her husband and a strange man (afterwardascertained to be a lawyer) engaged in some mysterious business over thelibrary table, upon which were spread several sheets of paper. 

"What are you going to do with all that paper, Henry?" demanded thewife. 

"I am making a wish, " meekly responded the husband. 

"A wish?"

"Yes, my dear. In your presence I shall not presume to call it a will. "

MEMORIALS

Two negroes were talking about a recent funeral of a member of theirrace, at which funeral there had been a profusion of floral tributes. Said the cook:

"Dat's all very well, Mandy; but when I dies I don't want no flowers onmy grave. Jes' plant a good old watermelon-vine; an' when she gits ripe, you come dar, an' don't you eat it, but jes' bus' it on de grave, an'let de good old juice dribble down thro' de ground!"

"That's rather a handsome mantelpiece you have there, Mr. Binkston, "said the visitor. 

"Yes, " replied Mr. Binkston, proudly. "That is a memorial to my wife. "

"Why--I was not aware that Mrs. Binkston had passed away, " said thevisitor sympathetically. 

"Oh no, indeed, she hasn't, " smiled Mr. Binkston. "She is serving herthirtieth sojourn in jail. That mantelpiece is built of the bricks shewas convicted of throwing. "

MEMORY

"Uncle Mose, " said a drummer, addressing an old colored man seated on adrygoods box in front of the village store, "they tell me that youremember seeing George Washington--am I mistaken?"

"No, sah, " said Uncle Mose. "I uster 'member seein' him, but I donefo'got sence I jined de chu'ch. "

A noted college president, attending a banquet in Boston, was surprisedto see that the darky who took the hats at the door gave no checks inreturn. 

"He has a most wonderful memory, " a fellow diner explained. "He's beendoing that for years and prides himself upon never having made amistake. "

As the college president was leaving, the darky passed him his hat. 

"How do you know that this one is mine?"

"I don't know it, suh, " admitted the darky. 

"Then why do you give it to me?"

"'Cause yo' gave it to me, suh. "

"Tommy, " said his mother reprovingly, "what did I say I'd do to you if Iever caught you stealing jam again?"

Tommy thoughtfully scratched his head with his sticky fingers. 

"Why, that's funny, ma, that you should forget it, too. Hanged if I canremember. " Smith is a young New York lawyer, clever in many ways, butvery forgetful. He was recently sent to St. Louis to interview animportant client in regard to a case then pending in the Missouricourts. Later the head of his firm received this telegram from St. Louis:

"Have forgotten name of client. Please wire at once. "

This was the reply sent from New York:

"Client's name Jenkins. Your name Smith. "

 When time who steals our years away Shall steal our pleasures too, The mem'ry of the past will stay And half our joys renew. 

 --_Moore_. 

 The heart hath its own memory, like the mind, And in it are enshrined The precious keepsakes, into which is wrought The giver's loving thought. 

 --_Longfellow_. 

MEN

 Here's to the men! God bless them! Worst of me sins, I confess them! In loving them all; be they great or small, So here's to the boys! God bless them!

 May all single men be married, And all married men be happy. 

"What is your ideal man?"

"One who is clever enough to make money and foolish enough to spend it!"

I have thought some of Nature's journeymen had made men and not madethem well, they imitated humanity so abominably. --_Shakespeare_. 

 Men are four: He who knows and knows not that he knows, -- He is asleep--wake him; He who knows not and knows not that he knows not, -- He is a fool--shun him; He who knows not and knows that he knows not, -- He is a child--teach him; He who knows and knows that He knows, -- He is a king--follow him. 

_See also_ Dogs; Husbands. 

MESSAGES

"Have you the rent ready?"

"No, sir; mother's gone out washing and forgot to put it out for you. "

"Did she tell you she'd forgotten?"

"Yes, sir. "

One of the passengers on a wreck was an exceedingly nervous man, who, while floating in the water, imagined how his friends would acquaint hiswife of his fate. Saved at last, he rushed to the telegraph office andsent this message: "Dear Pat, I am saved. Break it gently to my wife. "

METAPHOR

It was a Washington woman, angry because the authorities had closed thewoman's rest-room in the Senate office building, who burst out:

"It is almost as if the Senate had hurled its glove into the teeth ofthe advancing wave that is sounding the clarion of equal rights. "

A water consumer in Los Angeles, California, whose supply had beenturned off because he wouldn't pay, wrote to the department as follows:

"In the matter of shutting off the water on unpaid bills, your companyis fast becoming a regular crystallized Russian bureaucracy, running ina groove and deaf to the appeals of reform. There is no use of yourtrying to impugn the verity of this indictment by shaking your officialheads in the teeth of your own deeds. 

"If you will persist in this kind of thing, a widespread conflagrationof the populace will be so imminent that it will require only a spark tolet loose the dogs of war in our midst. Will you persist in hurling thecorner stone of our personal liberty to your wolfish hounds ofcollectors, thirsting for its blood? If you persist, the first thing youknow you will have the chariot of a justly indignant revolution rollingalong in our midst and gnashing its teeth as it rolls. 

"If your rascally collectors are permitted to continue coming to ourdoors with unblushing footsteps, with cloaks of hypocritical compunctionin their mouths, and compel payment from your patrons, this policy willresult in cutting the wool off the sheep that lays the golden egg, untilyou have pumped it dry--and then farewell, a long farewell, to ourvaunted prosperity. "

MICE

"What's the matter with Briggs?"

"He was getting shaved by a lady barber when a mouse ran across thefloor. "--_Life_. 

MIDDLE CLASSES

WILLIE--"Paw, what is the middle class?"

PAW--"The middle class consists of people who are not poor enough toaccept charity and not rich enough to donate anything. "

MILITANTS

_See_ Suffragettes. 

MILITARY DISCIPLINE

Murphy was a new recruit in the cavalry. He could not ride at all, andby ill luck was given one of the most vicious horses in the troop. 

"Remember, " said the sergeant, "no one is allowed to dismount withoutorders. "

Murphy was no sooner in the saddle than he was thrown to the ground. 

"Murphy!" yelled the sergeant, when he discovered him lying breathlesson the ground, "you dismounted!"

"I did. "

"Did you have orders?"

"I did. "

"From headquarters, I suppose?"

"No, sor; from hintquarters. "

"How dare you come on parade, " exclaimed an Irish sergeant to a recruit, "before a respictible man loike mysilf smothered from head to foot ingraise an' poipe clay? Tell me now--answer me when I spake to yez!"

The recruit was about to excuse himself for his condition when thesergeant stopped him. 

"Dare yez to answer me when I puts a question to yez?" he cried. "Houldyer lyin' tongue, and open your face at yer peril! Tell me now, whathave ye been doin' wid yer uniform an' arms an' bills? Not a word, orI'll clap yez in the guardroom. When I axes yez anything an' yez spakesI'll have yez tried for insolence to yer superior officer, but if yezdon't answer when I questions yez, I'll have yez punished fordisobedience of orders! So, yez see, I have yez both ways!"

Mistake, error, is the discipline through which we advance. --_Channing_. 

MILLINERS

Recipe for a milliner:

 To a presence that's much more than queenly, Add a manner that's quite Vere de Vere; You feel like a worm in her sight when she says, "Only $300, my dear!"

 --_Life_. 

MILLIONAIRES

Recipe for a multi-millionaire:

 Take a boy with bare feet as a starter Add thrift and sobriety, mixed-- Flavor with quarts of religion, And see that the tariff is fixed. 

 --_Life_. 

MILLIONAIRE (to a beggar)--"Be off with you this minute!"

BEGGAR--"Look 'ere, mister; the only difference between you and me isthat you are makin' your second million, while I am still workin' at myfirst. "

"Now that you have made $50, 000, 000, I suppose you are going to keepright on for the purpose of trying to get a hundred millions?"

"No, sir. You do me an injustice. I'm going to put in the rest of mytime trying to get my conscience into a satisfactory condition. "

"When I was a young man, " said Mr. Cumrox, "I thought nothing of workingtwelve or fourteen hours a day. "

"Father, " replied the young man with sporty clothes, "I wish youwouldn't mention it. Those non-union sentiments are liable to make youunpopular. "

No good man ever became suddenly rich. --_Syrus_. 

 And all to leave what with his toil he won, To that unfeather'd two-legged thing, a son. 

 --_Dryden_. 

_See also_ Capitalists. 

MINORITIES

Stepping out between the acts at the first production of one of hisplays, Bernard Shaw said to the audience:

"What do you think of it?"

This startled everybody for the time being, but presently a man in thepit assembled his scattered wits and cried:

"Rotten!"

Shaw made a curtsey and melted the house with one of his Irish smiles. 

"My friend, " he said, shrugging his shoulders and indicating the crowdin front, "I quite agree with you, but what are we two against so many?"

MISERS

 There was an old man of Nantucket Who kept all his cash in a bucket; But his daughter, named Nan, Ran away with a man-- And as for the bucket, Nantucket. 

A mere madness, to live like a wretch, and die rich. --_Robert Burton_. 

MISSIONARIES

SHE--"Poor cousin Jack! And to be eaten by those wretched cannibals!"

HE--"Yes, my dear child; but he gave them their first taste inreligion!"

At a meeting of the Women's Foreign Missionary Society in a large citychurch a discussion arose among the members present as to the race ofpeople that inhabited a far-away land. Some insisted that they were nota man-eating people; others that they were known to be cannibals. However, the question was finally decided by a minister's widow, whosaid:

"I beg pardon for interrupting, Mrs. Chairman, but I can assure you thatthey are cannibals. My husband was a missionary there and they ate him. "

MISSIONS

"What in the world are you up to, Hilda?" exclaimed Mrs. Bale, as sheentered the nursery where her six-year-old daughter was stuffing brokentoys, headless dolls, ragged clothes and general debris into an openbox. 

"Why, mother, " cried Hilda, "can't you see? I'm packing a missionary boxjust the way the ladies do; and it's all right, " she added reassuringly, "I haven't put in a single thing that's any good at all!"

MISTAKEN IDENTITY

 There was a young fellow named Paul, Who went to a fancy dress ball; They say, just for fun He dressed up like a bun, And was "et" by a dog in the hall. 

A Scottish woman, who was spending her holidays in London, entered abric-a-brac shop, in search of something odd to take home to Scotlandwith her. After she had inspected several articles, but had found noneto suit her, she noticed a quaint figure, the head and shoulders ofwhich appeared above the counter. 

"What is that Japanese idol over there worth?" she inquired of thesalesman. 

The salesman's reply was given in a subdued tone:

"About half a million, madam. That's the proprietor!"

The late James McNeil Whistler was standing bareheaded in a hat shop, the clerk having taken his hat to another part of the shop forcomparison. A man rushed in with his hat in his hand, and, supposingWhistler to be a clerk angrily confronted him. 

"See here, " he said, "this hat doesn't fit. "

Whistler eyed the stranger critically from head to foot, and thendrawled out:

"Well, neither does your coat. What's more, if you'll pardon my sayingso, I'll be hanged if I care much for the color of your trousers. "

The steamer was on the point of leaving, and the passengers lounged onthe deck and waited for the start. At length one of them espied acyclist in the far distance, and it soon became evident that he wasdoing his level best to catch the boat. 

Already the sailors' hands were on the gangways, and the cyclist'schance looked small indeed. Then a sportive passenger wagered asovereign to a shilling that he would miss it. The offer was taken, andat once the deck became a scene of wild excitement. 

"He'll miss it. "

"No; he'll just do it. "

"Come on!"

"He won't do it. "

"Yes, he will. He's done it. Hurrah!"

In the very nick of time the cyclist arrived, sprang off his machine, and ran up the one gangway left. 

"Cast off!" he cried. 

It was the captain. 

Much to the curious little girl's disgust, her elder sister and her girlfriends had quickly closed the door of the back parlor, before she couldwedge her small self in among them. 

She waited uneasily for a little while, then she knocked. No response. She knocked again. Still no attention. Her curiosity could be controlledno longer. "Dodo!" she called in staccato tones as she knocked onceagain. "'Tain't me! It's Mamma!"

MOLLYCODDLES

"Tommy, why don't you play with Frank any more?" asked Tommy's mother, who noticed that he was cultivating the acquaintance of a new boy on theblock. "I thought you were such good chums. "

"We was, " replied Tommy superciliously, "but he's a mollycoddle. He paidt' git into the ball-grounds. "

MONEY

In some of the college settlements there are penny savings banks forchildren. 

One Saturday a small boy arrived with an important air and withdrew 2cents from his account. Monday morning he promptly returned the money. 

"So you didn't spend your 2 cents?" observed the worker in charge. 

"Oh, no, " he replied, "but a fellow just likes to have a little cash onhand over Sunday. "

_See also_ Domestic finance. 

MORAL EDUCATION

Two little boys, four and five years old respectively, were playingquietly, when the one of four years struck the other on his cheek. Aninterested bystander stepped up and asked him why he had hit the otherwho had done nothing. 

"Well, " replied the pugilistic one, "last Sunday our lesson inSunday-school was about if a fellow hit you on the left cheek turn theother and get another crack, and I just wanted to see if Bobbie knew hislesson. "

MOSQUITOES

Senator Gore, of Oklahoma, while addressing a convention in OklahomaCity recently, told this story, illustrating a point he made:

"A northern gentleman was being entertained by a southern colonel on afishing-trip. It was his first visit to the South, and the mosquitoeswere so bothersome that he was unable to sleep, while at the same timehe could hear his friend snoring audibly. 

"The next morning he approached the old darky who was doing the cooking. 

"'Jim, ' he said, 'how is it the colonel is able to sleep so soundly withso many mosquitoes around?'

"'I'll tell yo', boss, ' the darky replied, 'de fust part of de night dekernel is too full to pay any 'tenshum to de skeeters, and de last partof de night de skeeters is too full to pay any 'tenshum to de kernel. '"

_See also_ Applause; New Jersey. 

MOTHERS

While reconnoitering in Westmoreland County, Virginia, one of GeneralWashington's officers chanced upon a fine team of horses driven before aplow by a burly slave. Finer animals he had never seen. When his eyeshad feasted on their beauty he cried to the driver: "Hello good fellow!I must have those horses. They are just such animals as I have beenlooking for. "

The black man grinned, rolled up the whites of his eyes, put the lash tothe horses' flanks and turned up another furrow in the rich soil. 

The officer waited until he had finished the row; then throwing back hiscavalier cloak the ensign of the rank dazzled the slave's eyes. 

"Better see missus! Better see missus!" he cried waving his hand to thesouth, where above the cedar growth rose the towers of a fine oldVirginia mansion. 

The officer turned up the carriage road and soon was rapping the greatbrass knocker of the front door. 

Quickly the door swung upon its ponderous hinges and a grave, majestic-looking woman confronted the visitor with an air of inquiry. 

"Madam, " said the officer doffing his cap and overcome by her dignity, "I have come to claim your horses in the name of the Government. "

"My horses?" said she, bending upon him a pair of eyes born to command. "Sir, you cannot have them. My crops are out and I need my horses in thefield. "

"I am sorry, " said the officer, "but I must have them, madam. Such arethe orders of my chief. "

"Your chief? Who is your chief, pray?" she demanded with restrainedwarmth. 

"The commander of the American army, General George Washington, " repliedthe other, squaring his shoulders and swelling his pride. 

A smile of triumph softened the sternness of the woman's features. "Yougo and tell General George Washington for me, " said she, "that hismother says he cannot have her horses. "

The wagons of "the greatest show on earth" passed up the avenue atdaybreak. Their incessant rumbling soon awakened ten-year-old Billie andfive-year-old brother Robert. Their mother feigned sleep as the twowhite-robed figures crept past her bed into the hall, on the way toinvestigate. Robert struggled manfully with the unaccustomed task ofputting on his clothes. "Wait for me, Billie, " his mother heard him beg. "You'll get ahead of me. "

"Get mother to help you, " counseled Billie, who was having troubles ofhis own. 

Mother started to the rescue, and then paused as she heard the voice ofher younger, guarded but anxious and insistent. 

"_You_ ask her, Billie. You've known her longer than I have. "

A little girl, being punished by her mother flew, white with rage, toher desk, wrote on a piece of paper, and then going out in the yard shedug a hole in the ground, put the paper in it and covered it over. Themother, being interested in her child's doings, went out after thelittle girl had gone away, dug up the paper and read:

 _Dear Devil_: Please come and take my mamma away. 

One morning a little girl hung about the kitchen bothering the busy cookto death. The cook lost patience finally. "Clear out o' here, ye sassylittle brat!" she shouted, thumping the table with a rolling-pin. 

The little girl gave the cook a haughty look. "I never allow any one butmy mother to speak to me like that, " she said. 

The public-spirited lady met the little boy on the street. Somethingabout his appearance halted her. She stared at him in her near-sightedway. 

THE LADY--"Little boy, haven't you any home?"

THE LITTLE BOY--"Oh, yes'm; I've got a home. "

THE LADY--"And loving parents?"

THE LITTLE BOY--"Yes'm. "

THE LADY--"I'm afraid you do not know what love really is. Do yourparents look after your moral welfare?"

THE LITTLE BOY--"Yes'm. "

THE LADY--"Are they bringing you up to be a good and helpful citizen?"

THE LITTLE BOY--"Yes'm. "

THE LADY--"Will you ask your mother to come and hear me talk on 'WhenDoes a Mother's Duty to Her Child Begin?' next Saturday afternoon, atthree o'clock, at Lyceum Hall?"

THE LITTLE BOY (explosively)--"What's th' matter with you ma! Don't youknow me? I'm your little boy!"

 Here's to the happiest hours of my life-- Spent in the arms of another man's wife: My mother!

 Happy he With such a mother! faith in womankind Beats with his blood, and trust in all things high Comes easy to him, and though he trip and fall, He shall not blind his soul with clay. 

 --_Tennyson_. 

 Women know The way to rear up children (to be just); They know a simple, merry, tender knack Of tying sashes, fitting baby-shoes, And stringing pretty words that make no sense, And kissing full sense into empty words; Which things are corals to cut life upon, Although such trifles. 

 --_E. B. Browning_

MOTHERS-IN-LAW

Justice David J. Brewer was asked not long ago by a man. 

"Will you please tell me, sir, what is the extreme penalty for bigamy?"

Justice Brewer smiled and answered:

"Two mothers-in-law. "

SHE--"And so you are going to be my son-in-law?"

HE--"By Jove! I hadn't thought of that. "

WAITER--"Have another glass, sir?"

HUSBAND (to his wife)--"Shall I have another glass, Henrietta?"

WIFE (to her mother)--"Shall he have another, mother?"

A blackmailer wrote the following to a wealthy business man: "Send me$5, 000 or I will abduct your mother-in-law. "

To which the business man replied: "Sorry I am short of funds, but yourproposition interests me. "

An undertaker telegraphed to a man that his mother-in-law had died andasked whether he should bury, embalm or cremate her. The man replied, "All three, take no chances. "

MOTORCYCLES

The automobile was a thing unheard of to a mountaineer in one community, and he was very much astonished one day when he saw one go by withoutany visible means of locomotion. His eyes bulged, however, when amotorcycle followed closely in its wake and disappeared like a flasharound a bend in the road. 

"Gee whiz!" he said, turning to his son, "who'd 'a' s'posed that thinghad a colt?"

MOUNTAINS

Some real-estate dealers in British Columbia were accused of havingvictimized English and Scotch settlers by selling to them (at longrange) fruit ranches which were situated on the tops of mountains. It issaid that the captain of a steamboat on Kootenay Lake once heard a greatsplash in the water. Looking over the rail, he spied the head of a manwho was swimming toward his boat. He hailed him. "Do you know, " said theswimmer, "this is the third time to-day that I've fallen off that ballyold ranch of mine?"

MOVING PICTURES

"Your soldiers look fat and happy. You must have a war chest. " "Notexactly, but things are on a higher plane than they used to be. Thisrevolution is being financed by a moving-picture concern. "

MUCK-RAKING

The way of the transgressor is well written up. 

MULES

Gen. O. O. Howard, as is well known, is a man of deep religiousprinciples, and in the course of the war he divided his time prettyequally between fighting and evangelism. Howard's brigade was known allthrough the army as the Christian brigade, and he was very proud of it. 

There was one hardened old sinner in the brigade, however, whose earswere deaf to all exhortation. General Howard was particularly anxious toconvert this man, and one day he went down in the teamsters' part of thecamp where the man was on duty. He talked with him long and earnestlyabout religion and finally said:

"I want to see you converted. Won't you come to the mourners' bench atthe next service?"

The erring one rubbed his head thoughtfully for a moment and thenreplied:

"General, I'm plumb willin' to be converted, but if I am, seein' thateveryone else has got religion, who in blue blazes is goin' to drive themules?"

MUNICIPAL GOVERNMENT

"What's the trouble in Plunkville?"

"We've tried a mayor and we've tried a commission. "

"Well?"

"Now we're thinking of offering the management of our city to some goodmagazine. "

MUSEUMS

It had been anything but an easy afternoon for the teacher who took sixof her pupils through the Museum of Natural History, but theirenthusiastic interest in the stuffed animals and their open-eyed wonderat the prehistoric fossils amply repaid her. 

"Well, boys, where have you been all afternoon?" asked the father of twoof the party that evening. 

The answer came back with joyous promptness: "Oh, pop! Teacher took usto a dead circus. "

Two Marylanders, who were visiting the National Museum at Washington, were seen standing in front of an Egyptian mummy, over which hung aplacard bearing the inscription. "B. C. 1187. "

Both visitors were much mystified thereby. Said one:

"What do you make of that, Bill?"

"Well, " said Bill, "I dunno; but maybe it was the number of themotor-car that killed him. "--_Edwin Tarrisse_. 

MUSIC

The musical young woman who dropped her peekaboo waist in the pianoplayer and turned out a Beethoven sonata, has her equal in the lady whostood in front of a five-bar fence and sang all the dots on her veil. 

A thief broke into a Madison avenue mansion early the other morning andfound himself in the music-room. Hearing footsteps approaching, he tookrefuge behind a screen. 

From eight to nine o'clock the eldest daughter had a singing lesson. 

From nine to ten o'clock the second daughter took a piano lesson. 

From ten to eleven o'clock the eldest son had a violin lesson. 

From eleven to twelve o'clock the other son had a lesson on the flute. 

At twelve-fifteen all the brothers and sisters assembled and studied anear-splitting piece for voice, piano, violin and flute. 

The thief staggered out from behind the screen at twelve-forty-five, andfalling at their feet, cried:

"For Heaven's sake, have me arrested!"

A lady told Swinburne that she would render on the piano a very ancientFlorentine retornello which had just been discovered. She then played"Three blind mice" and Swinburne was enchanted. He found that itreflected to perfection the cruel beauty of the Medicis--which, perhaps, it does. --_Edmund Gosse_. 

The accomplished and obliging pianist had rendered several selections, when one of the admiring group of listeners in the hotel parlorsuggested Mozart's Twelfth Mass. Several people echoed the request, butone lady was particularly desirous of hearing the piece, explaining thather husband had belonged to that very regiment. 

Dinner was a little late. A guest asked the hostess to play something. Seating herself at the piano, the good woman executed a Chopin nocturnewith precision. She finished, and there was still an interval of waitingto be bridged. In the grim silence she turned to an old gentleman on herright and said:

"Would you like a sonata before going in to dinner?"

He gave a start of surprise and pleasure as he responded briskly:

"Why, yes, thanks! I had a couple on my way here, but I could standanother. "

Music is the universal language of mankind. --_Longfellow_. 

I even think that, sentimentally, I am disposed to harmony. Butorganically I am incapable of a tune. --_Charles Lamb_. 

 There's music in the sighing of a reed; There's music in the gushing of a rill; There's music in all things, if men had ears: Their earth is but an echo of the spheres. 

 --_Byron_. 

MUSICIANS

FATHER--"Well, sonny, did you take your dog to the 'vet' next door toyour house, as I suggested?"

BOY--"Yes, sir. "

FATHER-"And what did he say?"

BOY--"'E said Towser was suffering from nerves, so Sis had better giveup playin' the pianner. "

The "celebrated pianiste, " Miss Sharpe, had concluded her recital. Asthe resultant applause was terminating, Mrs. Rochester observed ColonelGrayson wiping his eyes. The old gentleman noticed her look, and, thinking it one of inquiry, began to explain the cause of his sadness. "The girl's playing, " he told the lady, "reminded me so much of theplaying of her father. He used to be a chum of mine in the Army of thePotomac. "

"Oh, indeed!" cooed Mrs. Rochester, with a conventional show ofinterest. "I never knew her father was a piano-player. "

"He wasn't, " replied the Colonel. "He was a drummer. "--_G. T. Evans_. 

Recipe for an orchestra leader:

 Four hundred and twenty-two movements-- Emanuel, Swedish and Swiss-- It's a wonder the hand can keep playing, You'd think they'd die laughing at this!

 --_Life_. 

 'Tis God gives skill, But not without men's hands: He could not make Antonio Stradivari's violins Without Antonio. 

 --_George Eliot_. 

NAMES, PERSONAL

Israel Zangwill, the well-known writer, signs himself I. Zangwill. Hewas once approached at a reception by a fussy old lady, who demanded, "Oh, Mr. Zangwill, what is your Christian name?"

"Madame, I have none, " he gravely assured her. --_John Pearson_. 

FRIEND-"So your great Russian actor was a total failure?"

MANAGER-"Yes. It took all our profits to pay for running the electriclight sign with his name on it. "--_Puck_. 

A somewhat unpatriotic little son of Italy, twelve years old, came tohis teacher in the public school and asked if he could not have his namechanged. 

"Why do you wish to change your name?" the teacher asked. 

"I want to be an American. I live in America now. I no longer want to bea Dago. "

"What American name would you like to have?"

"I have it here, " he said, handing the teacher a dirty scrap of paper onwhich was written--Patrick Dennis McCarty. 

A shy young man once said to a young lady: "I wish dear, that we were onsuch terms of intimacy that you would not mind calling me by my firstname. "

"Oh, " she replied, "your second name is good enough for me. "

An American travelling in Europe engaged a courier. Arriving at an innin Austria, the man asked his servant to enter his name in accordancewith the police regulations of that country. Some time after, the manasked the servant if he had complied with his orders. 

"Yes, sir, " was the reply. 

"How did you write my name?" asked the master. 

"Well, sir, I can't pronounce it, " answered the servant, "but I copiedit from your portmanteau, sir. "

"Why, my name isn't there. Bring me the book. " The register was brought, and, instead of the plain American name of two syllables, the followingentry was revealed:

 "Monsieur Warranted Solid Leather. "

--_M. A. Hitchcock_. 

The story is told of Helen Hunt, the famous author of "Ramona, " thatone morning after church service she found a purse full of money andtold her pastor about it. 

"Very well, " he said, "you keep it, and at the evening service I willannounce it, " which he did in this wise:

"This morning there was found in this church a purse filled with money. If the owner is present he or she can go to Helen Hunt for it. "

And the minister wondered why the congregation tittered!

A street-car "masher" tried in every way to attract the attention of thepretty young girl opposite him. Just as he had about given up, the girl, entirely unconscious of what had been going on, happened to glance inhis direction. The "masher" immediately took fresh courage. 

"It's cold out to-day, isn't it?" he ventured. 

The girl smiled and nodded assent, but had nothing to say. 

"My name is Specknoodle, " he volunteered. 

"Oh, I am so sorry, " she said sympathetically, as she left the car. 

The comedian came on with affected diffidence. 

"At our last stand, " quoth he, "I noticed a man laughing while I wasdoing my turn. Honest, now! My, how he laughed! He laughed until hesplit. Till he split, mind you. Thinks I to myself, I'll just find outabout the man and so, when the show was over, I went up to him. 

"My friend, " says I, "I've heard that there's nothing in a name, but areyou not one of the Wood family?"

"I am, " says he, "and what's more, my grandfather was a Pine!"

"No Wood, you know, splits any easier than a Pine. "--_Ramsey Benson_. 

"But Eliza, " said the mistress, "your little boy was christened GeorgeWashington. Why do you call him Izaak Walton? Walton, you know, was thefamous fisherman. "

"Yes'm, " answered Eliza, "but dat chile's repetashun fo' telling detroof made dat change imper'tive. "

The mother of the girl baby, herself named Rachel, frankly told herhusband that she was tired of the good old names borne by most of theeminent members of the family, and she would like to give the littlegirl a name entirely different. Then she wrote on a slip of paper"Eugénie, " and asked her husband if he didn't think that was a prettyname. 

The father studied the name for a moment and then said: "Vell, call herYousheenie, but I don't see vat you gain by it. "

 There was a great swell in Japan, Whose name on a Tuesday began; It lasted through Sunday Till twilight on Monday, And sounded like stones in a can. 

He was a young lawyer who had just started practicing in a small townand hung his sign outside of his office door. It read: "A. Swindler. " Astranger who called to consult him saw the sign and said: "My goodness, man, look at that sign! Don't you see how it reads? Put in your firstname--Alexander, Ambrose or whatever it is. "

"Oh, yes I know, " said the lawyer resignedly, "but I don't exactly liketo do it. "

"Why not?" asked the client. "It looks mighty bad as it is. What is yourfirst name?"

"Adam. "

 Who hath not own'd, with rapture-smitten frame, The power of grace, the magic of a name. 

 --_Campbell_. 

NATIVES

FRIEND (admiring the prodigy)--"Seventh standard, is she? Plays theplanner an' talks French like a native, I'll bet. "

FOND BUT "TOUCHY" PARENT--"I've no doubt that's meant to be very funny, Bill Smith; but as it 'appens you're only exposin' your ignorance; theyain't natives in France--they're as white as wot we are. "--_Sketch_. 

NATURE LOVERS

"Would you mind tooting your factory whistle a little?"

"What for?"

"For my father over yonder in the park. He's a trifle deaf and he hasn'theard a robin this summer. "

NAVIGATION

The fog was dense and the boat had stopped when the old lady asked theCaptain why he didn't go on. 

"Can't see up the river, madam. "

"But, Captain, " she persisted, "I can see the stars overhead. "

"Yes, ma'am, " said the Captain, "but until the boilers bust we ain'tgoin' that way. "

NEATNESS

The neatness of the New England housekeeper is a matter of commonremark, and husbands in that part of the country are supposed toappreciate their advantages. 

A bit of dialogue reported as follows shows that there may be anotherside to the matter. 

"Martha, have you wiped the sink dry yet?" asked the farmer, as he madefinal preparations for the night. 

"Yes, Josiah, " she replied. "Why do you ask?"

"Well, I did want a drink, but I guess I can get along until morning. "

NEGROES

A colored girl asked the drug clerk for "ten cents' wuth o'cou't-plaster. "

"What color, " he asked. 

"Flesh cullah, suh. "

Whereupon the clerk proffered a box of black court plaster. 

The girl opened the box with a deliberation that was ominous, but herface was unruffled as she noted the color of the contents and said:

"I ast for flesh cullah, an' you done give me skin cullah. " A cartcontaining a number of negro field hands was being drawn by a mule. Thedriver, a darky of about twenty, was endeavoring to induce the mule toincrease its speed, when suddenly the animal let fly with its heels anddealt him such a kick on the head that he was stretched on the ground ina twinkling. He lay rubbing his woolly pate where the mule had kickedhim. 

"Is he hurt?" asked a stranger anxiously of an older negro who hadjumped from the conveyance and was standing over the prostrate driver. 

"No, Boss, " was the older man's reply; "dat mule will probably walk kindo' tendah for a day or two, but he ain't hurt. "

In certain parts of the West Indies the negroes speak English with abroad brogue. They are probably descended from the slaves of the Irishadventurers who accompanied the Spanish settlers. 

A gentleman from Dublin upon arriving at a West Indian port was accostedby a burly negro fruit vender with, "Th, top uv th' mornin' to ye, an'would ye be after wantin' to buy a bit o' fruit, sor?"

The Irishman stared at him in amazement. 

"An' how long have ye been here?" he finally asked. 

"Goin' on three months, yer Honor, " said the vender, thinking of thetime he had left his inland home. 

"Three months, is it? Only three months an' as black as thot? Faith, I'll not land!"

Dinah, crying bitterly, was coming down the street with her feetbandaged. 

"Why, what on earth's the matter?" she was asked. "How did you hurt yourfeet, Dinah?"

"Dat good fo' nothin' nigger [sniffle] done hit me on de haid wif a clubwhile I was standin' on de hard stone pavement. "

"'Liza, what fo' yo' buy dat udder box of shoe-blacknin'?"

"Go on, Nigga', dat ain't shoe-blacknin', dat's ma massage cream!"

"Johnny, " said the mother as she vigorously scrubbed the small boy'sface with soap and water, "didn't I tell you never to blacken your faceagain? Here I've been scrubbing for half an hour and it won't come off. "

"I--I--ouch!" sputtered the small boy; "I ain't your little boy. I--ouch! I'se Mose, de colored lady's little boy. "

The day before she was to be married an old negro servant came to hermistress and intrusted her savings to her keeping. 

"Why should I keep your money for you? I thought you were going to bemarried?" said the mistress. 

"So I is, Missus, but do you 'spose I'd keep all dis yer money in dehouse wid dat strange nigger?"

A southern colonel had a colored valet by the name of George. Georgereceived nearly all the colonel's cast-off clothing. He had his eyes ona certain pair of light trousers which were not wearing out fast enoughto suit him, so he thought he would hasten matters somewhat by rubbinggrease on one knee. When the colonel saw the spot, he called George andasked if he had noticed it. George said, "Yes, sah, Colonel, I noticeddat spot and tried mighty hard to get it out, but I couldn't. "

"Have you tried gasoline?" the colonel asked. 

"Yes, sah, Colonel, but it didn't do no good. "

"Have you tried brown paper and a hot iron?"

"Yes, sah, Colonel, I'se done tried 'mos' everything I knows of, but datspot wouldn't come out. "

"Well, George, have you tried ammonia?" the colonel asked as a lastresort. 

"No, sah, Colonel, I ain't tried 'em on yet, but I knows dey'll fit. "

A negro went into a hardware shop and asked to be shown some razors, andafter critically examining those submitted to him the would-be purchaserwas asked why he did not try a "safety, " to which he replied: "I ain'lookin' for that kind. I wants this for social purposes. "

Before a house where a colored man had died, a small darkey was standingerect at one side of the door. It was about time for the services tobegin, and the parson appeared from within and said to the darkey: "Deservices are about to begin. Aren't you a-gwine in?"

"I'se would if I'se could, parson, " answered the little negro, "but yo'see I'se de crape. "

_See also_ Chicken stealing. 

NEIGHBORS

THE MAN AT THE DOOR--"Madame, I'm the piano-tuner. "

THE WOMAN--"I didn't send for a piano-tuner. "

THE MAN--"I know it, lady; the neighbors did. "

NEW JERSEY

"You must have had a terrible experience with no food, and mosquitoesswarming around you, " I said to the shipwrecked mariner who had beencast upon the Jersey sands. 

"You just bet I had a terrible experience, " he acknowledged. "Myexperience was worse than that of the man who wrote 'Water, watereverywhere, but not a drop to drink. ' With me it was bites, biteseverywhere, but not a bite to eat. "

NEW YORK CITY

At a convention of Methodist Bishops held in Washington, the Bishop ofNew York made a stirring address extolling the powers and possibilitiesof his state. Bishop Hamilton, of California, like all goodCalifornians, is imbued with the conviction that it would be hard toequal a place he knows of on the Pacific, and following the Bishop ofNew York he gave a glowing picture of California, concluding:

"Not only is it the best place on earth to live in, but it has superioradvantages, too, as a place to die in; for there we have at ourthreshold the beautiful Golden Gate, while in New York they onlyhave--well, you know which gate it is over at New York!" One night DaveWarfield was playing at David Belasco's new theatre, supported by one ofMr. Belasco's new companies. The performance ran with a smoothness of aStandard Oil lawyer explaining rebates to a Federal court. A worthyperson of the farming classes, sitting in G 14, was plainly impressed. In an interval between the acts he turned to the metropolitan who hadthe seat next him. 

"Where do all them troopers come from?" he inquired. 

"I don't think I understand, " said the city-dweller. 

"I mean them actors up yonder on the stage, " explained the man fromafar. "Was they brought on specially for this show, or do they livehere?"

"I believe most of them live here in town, " said the New Yorker. 

"Well, they do purty blamed well for home talent, " said the stranger. 

A traveler in Tennessee came across an aged negro seated in front of hiscabin door basking in the sunshine. 

"He could have walked right on the stage for an Uncle Tom part without aline of makeup, " says the traveler. "He must have been eighty years ofage. "

"Good morning, uncle, " says the stranger. 

"Mornin', sah! Mornin', " said the aged one. Then he added, "Be you thegentleman over yonder from New York?"

Being told that such was the case the old darky said; "Do you mindtelling me something that has been botherin' my old haid? I have got agrandson--he runs on the Pullman cyars--and he done tell me that up tharin New York you-all burn up youah folks when they die. He is a poherfulliar, and I don't believe him. "

"Yes, " replied the other, "that is the truth in some cases. We call itcremation. "

"Well, you suttenly surprise me, " said the negro and then he paused asif in deep reflection. Finally he said: "You-all know I am a Baptist. Ibelieve in the resurrection and the life everlastin' and the coming ofthe Angel Gabriel and the blowin' of that great horn, and Lawdy me, howam they evah goin' to find them folks on that great mawnin'?"

It was too great a task for an offhand answer, and the suggestion wasmade that the aged one consult his minister. Again the negro fell into abrown study, and then he raised his head and his eyes twinkled merrily, and he said in a soft voice:

"Meanin' no offense, sah, but from what Ah have heard about New York Ikinder calcerlate they is a lot of them New York people that doan'wanter be found on that mornin'. "

NEWS

Soon after the installation of the telegraph in Fredericksburg, Virginia, a little darky, the son of my father's mammy, saw a piece ofnewspaper that had blown up on the telegraph wires and caught there. Running to my grandmother in a great state of excitement, he cried, "Miss Liza, come quick! Dem wires done buss and done let all the newsout!"--_Sue M. M. Halsey_. 

"Our whole neighborhood has been stirred up, " said the regular reader. 

The editor of the country weekly seized his pen. "Tell me about it, " hesaid. "What we want is news. What stirred it up?"

"Plowing, " said the farmer. 

There is nothing new except what is forgotten. --_Mademoiselle Berlin_. 

NEWSPAPERS

A kind old gentleman seeing a small boy who was carrying a lot ofnewspapers under his arm said: "Don't all those papers make you tired, my boy?"

"Naw, I don't read 'em, " replied the lad. 

VOX POPULI--"Do you think you've boosted your circulation by giving ayear's subscription for the biggest potato raised in the county?"

THE EDITOR--"Mebbe not; but I got four barrels of samples. "

COLONEL HIGHFLYER--"What are your rates per column?"

EDITOR OF "SWELL SOCIETY"--"For insertion or suppression?"--_Life_. 

EDITOR--"You wish a position as a proofreader?"

APPLICANT--"Yes, sir. "

"Do you understand the requirements of that responsible position?"

"Perfectly, sir. Whenever you make any mistakes in the paper, just blame'em on me, and I'll never say a word. "

A prominent Montana newspaper man was making the round of the insaneasylum of that state in an official capacity as an inspector. One of theinmates mistook him for a recent arrival. 

"What made you go crazy?"

"I was trying to make money out of the newspaper business, " replied theeditor, to humor the demented one. 

"Rats, you're not crazy; you're just a plain darn fool, " was thelunatic's comment. 

"Did you write this report on my lecture, 'The Curse of Whiskey'?"

"Yes, madam. "

"Then kindly explain what you mean by saying, 'The lecturer wasevidently full of her subject!'"

We clip the following for the benefit of those who doubt the power ofthe press:

"Owing to the overcrowded condition of our columns, a number of birthsand deaths are unavoidably postponed this week. "

"Binks has sued us for libel, " announced the assistant editor of thesensational paper. 

The managing editor's face brightened. 

"Tell him, " he said, "that if he will put up a strong fight we'llcheerfully pay the damages and charge them up to the advertisingaccount. "

Booth Tarkington says that in no state have the newspapers more"journalistic enterprise" than in his native Indiana. While stopping ata little Hoosier hotel in the course of a hunting trip Mr. Tarkingtonlost one of his dogs. 

"Have you a newspaper in town?" he asked of the landlord. 

"Right across the way, there, back of the shoemaker's, " the landlordtold him. "The _Daily News_--best little paper of its size in thestate. "

The editor, the printer, and the printer's devil were all busy doingjustice to Mr. Tarkington with an "in-our-midst" paragraph when thenovelist arrived. 

"I've just lost a dog, " Tarkington explained after he had introducedhimself, "and I'd like to have you insert this ad for me: 'Fifty dollarsreward for the return of a pointer dog answering to the name of Rex. Disappeared from the yard of the Mansion House Monday night. '"

"Why, we are just going to press, sir, " the editor said, "but we'll beonly too glad to hold the edition for your ad. "

Mr. Tarkington returned to the hotel. After a few minutes he decided, however, that it might be well to add, "No questions asked" to hisadvertisement, and returned to the _Daily News_ office. 

The place was deserted, save for the skinny little freckle-faced devil, who sat perched on a high stool, gazing wistfully out of the window. 

"Where is everybody?" Tarkington asked. 

"Gawn to hunt for th' dawg, " replied the boy. 

"You are the greatest inventor in the world, " exclaimed a newspaper manto Alexander Graham Bell. 

"Oh, no, my friend, I'm not, " said Professor Bell. "I've never been areporter. "

Not long ago a city editor in Ottumwa, Iowa, was told over the telephonethat a prominent citizen had just died suddenly. He called a reporterand told him to rush out and get the "story. " Twenty minutes later thereporter returned, sat down at his desk, and began to rattle off copy onhis typewriter. 

"Well, what about it?" asked the city editor. 

"Oh, nothing much, " replied the reporter, without looking up. "He waswalking along the street when he suddenly clasped his hands to his heartand said, 'I'm going to die!' Then he leaned up against a fence and madegood. "

Enraged over something the local newspaper had printed about him, asubscriber burst into the editor's office in search of the responsiblereporter. "Who are you?" he demanded, glaring at the editor, who wasalso the main stockholder. 

"I'm the newspaper, " was the calm reply. 

"And who are you?" he next inquired, turning his resentful gaze on thechocolate-colored office-devil clearing out the waste basket. 

"Me?" rejoined the darky, grinning from ear to ear. "Ah guess ah's decul'ud supplement. "

Four hostile newspapers are more to be feared than a thousandbayonets. --_Napoleon I_. 

Newspapers always excite curiosity. No one ever lays one down without afeeling of disappointment. --_Charles Lamb_. 

OBESITY

_See_ Corpulence. 

OBITUARIES

If you have frequent fainting spells, accompanied by chills, cramps, corns, bunions, chilblains, epilepsy and jaundice, it is a sign that youare not well, but liable to die any minute. Pay your subscription inadvance and thus make yourself solid for a good obituarynotice. --_Mountain Echo_. 

_See_ also Epitaphs. 

OBSERVATION

In his daily half hour confidential talk with his boy an ambitiousfather tried to give some good advice. 

"Be observing, my son, " said the father on one occasion. "Cultivate thehabit of seeing, and you will be a successful man. Study things andremember them. Don't go through the world blindly. Learn to use youreyes. Boys who are observing know a great deal more than those who arenot. "

Willie listened in silence. 

Several days later when the entire family, consisting of his mother, aunt and uncle, were present, his father said:

"Well, Willie, have you kept using your eyes as I advised you to do?"

Willie nodded, and after a moment's hesitation said:

"I've seen a few things right around the house. Uncle Jim's got a bottleof hair dye hid under his trunk, Aunt Jennie's got an extra set of teethin her dresser, Ma's got some curls in her hat, and Pa's got a deck ofcards and a box of chips behind the books in the secretary. "

OCCUPATIONS

Mrs. Hennessey, who was a late arrival in the neighborhood, wasentertaining a neighbor one afternoon, when the latter inquired:

"An' what does your old man do, Mrs. Hennessey?"

"Sure, he's a di'mond-cuttter. "

"Ye don't mane it!"

"Yis; he cuts th' grass off th' baseball grounds. "--_L. F. Clarke_. 

All business men are apt to use the technical terms of their dailylabors in situations outside of working hours. One time a railroad manwas entertaining his pastor at dinner and his sons, who had to waituntil their elders had finished got into mischief. At the end of themeal, their father excused himself for a moment saying he had to "switchsome empties. "

"Professor, " said Miss Skylight, "I want you to suggest a course in lifefor me. I have thought of journalism--"

"What are your own inclinations?"

"Oh, my soul yearns and throbs and pulsates with an ambition to give theworld a life-work that shall be marvelous in its scope, and weirdlyentrancing in the vastness of its structural beauty!"

"Woman, you're born to be a milliner. "

A woman, when asked her husband's occupation, said he was a mixologist. The city directory called him a bartender. 

"A good turkey dinner and mince pie, " said a well-known after-dinnerorator, "always puts us in a lethargic mood--makes us feel, in fact, like the natives of Nola Chucky. In Nola Chucky one day I said to a man:

"'What is the principal occupation of this town?'

"'Wall, boss, ' the man answered, yawning, 'in winter they mostly sets onthe east side of the house and follers the sun around to the west, andin summer they sets on the west side and follers the shade around to theeast. '"

JONES--"How'd this happen? The last time I was here you were running afish-market, and now you've got a cheese-shop. "

SMITH--"Yes. Well, you see the doctor said I needed a change of air. "

The ugliest of trades have their moments of pleasure. Now, if I were agrave-digger, or even a hangman, there are some people I could work forwith a great deal of enjoyment--_Douglas Jerrold_. 

OCEAN

A resident of Nahant tells this one on a new servant his wife took downfrom Boston. 

"Did you sleep well, Mary?" the girl was asked the following morning. 

"Sure, I did not, ma'am, " was the reply; "the snorin' of the ocean keptme awake all night. "

Love the sea? I dote upon it--from the beach. --_Douglas Jerrold_. 

 I never was on the dull, tame shore, But I loved the great sea more and more. 

 --_Barry Cornwall_. 

OFFICE BOYS

"Have you had any experience as an office-boy?"

"I should say I had, mister; why, I'm a dummy director in threemining-companies now. "

OFFICE-SEEKERS

A gentleman, not at all wealthy, who had at one time represented inCongress, through a couple of terms a district not far from the nationalcapitol, moved to California where in a year or so he rose to besufficiently prominent to become a congressional subject, and he wasvisited by the central committee of his district to be talked to. 

"We want you, " said the spokesman, "to accept the nomination forCongress. "

"I can't do it, gentlemen, " he responded promptly. 

"You must, " the spokesman demanded. 

"But I can't, " he insisted. "I'm too poor. "

"Oh, that will be all right; we've got plenty of money for thecampaign. "

"But that is nothing, " contended the gentleman; "it's the expense inWashington. I've been there, and know all about it. "

"Well you didn't lose by it, and it doesn't cost any more because youcome from California. "

The gentleman became very earnest. 

"Doesn't it?" he exclaimed in a business-like tone. "Why my dear sirs, Iused to have to send home every month about half a dozen bustedoffice-seeker constituents, and the fare was only $3 apiece, and I couldstand it, but it would cost me over $100 a head to send them out here, and I'm no millionaire; therefore, as much as I regret it, I must insiston declining. "

"On a trip to Washington, " said Col. W. F. Cody. "I had for a companionSousa, the band leader. We had berths opposite each other. Early onemorning as we approached the capital I thought I would have a littlefun. I got a morning paper, and, after rustling it a few minutes, I saidto Sousa:

"'That's the greatest order Cleveland has just issued!'

"'What's that?' came from the opposite berth. 

"'Why he's ordered all the office-seekers rounded up at the depot andsent home. '

"You should have seen the general consternation that ensued. From almostevery berth on the car a head came out from between the curtains, andwith one accord nearly every man shouted:

'What's that?'"

OLD AGE

_See_ Age. 

OLD MASTERS

_See_ Paintings. 

ONIONS

 Can the Burbanks of the glorious West Either make or buy or sell An onion with an onion's taste But with a violet's smell?

SHE--"They say that an apple a day will keep the doctor away. "

HE--"Why stop there? An onion a day will keep everybody away. "

OPERA

"Which do you consider the most melodious Wagnerian opera?" asked Mrs. Cumrox. 

"There are several I haven't heard, aren't there?" rejoined her husband. 

"Yes. "

"Then I guess it's one of them. "

OPPORTUNITY

Many a man creates his own lack of opportunities. --_Life_. 

 Who seeks, and will not take when once 'tis offer'd, Shall never find it more. 

 --_Shakespeare_. 

 In life's small things be resolute and great To keep thy muscles trained; know'st thou when fate Thy measure takes? or when she'll say to thee, "I find thee worthy, do this thing for me!"

 --_Emerson_. 

OPTIMISM

Optimism is Worry on a spree. --_Judge_. 

An optimist is a man who doesn't care what happens just so is doesn'thappen to him. 

An optimist is the fellow who doesn't know what's coming to him. --_J. J. O'Connell_. 

An optimist is a woman who thinks that everything is for the best, andthat she is the best. -_Judge_. 

A political optimist is a fellow who can make sweet, pink lemonade outof the bitter yellow fruit which his opponents hand him. 

Mayor William S. Jordan, at a Democratic banquet in Jacksonville, saidof optimism:

"Let us cultivate optimism and hopefulness. There is nothing like it. The optimistic man can see a bright side to everything--everything. 

"A missionary in a slum once laid his hand on a man's shoulder and said:

"'Friend, do you hear the solemn ticking of that clock? Tick-tack;tick-tack. And oh, friend, do you know what day it inexorably andrelentlessly brings nearer?"

"'Yes-pay day, ' the other, an honest, optimistic workingman, replied. "

A Scotsman who has a keen appreciation of the strong characteristics ofhis countrymen delights in the story of a druggist known both for histhrift and his philosophy. 

Once he was aroused from a deep sleep by the ringing of his night bell. He went down to his little shop and sold a dose of rather nauseousmedicine to a distressed customer. 

"What profit do you make out of that?" grumbled his wife. 

"A ha'penny, " was the cheerful answer. 

"And for that bit of money you'll lie awake maybe an hour, " she saidimpatiently. 

"Never grumble o'er that, woman, " was his placid answer. "The dose willkeep him awake all night. We must thank heaven we ha' the profit andnone o' the pain o' this transaction. "

A German shoemaker left the gas turned on in his shop one night and uponarriving in the morning struck a match to light it. 

There was a terrific explosion, and the shoemaker was blown out throughthe door almost to the middle of the street. 

A passer-by rushed to his assistance, and, after helping him to rise, inquired if he was injured. 

The little German gazed at his place of business, which was now burningquite briskly, and said:

"No, I ain't hurt. But I got out shust in time, eh?"

 My own hope is, a sun will pierce The thickest cloud earth ever stretched; That, after Last, returns the First, Tho' a wide compass round be fetched; That what began best, can't prove worst, Nor what God blessed once, prove accursed. 

 --_Browning_. 

ORATORS

It is narrated that Colonel Breckenridge, meeting Majah Buffo'd on thestreets of Lexington one day asked: "What's the meaning, suh, of theconco's befor' the co't house?"

To which the majah replied:

"General Buckneh is making a speech. General Buckneh suh, is a bo'noratah. "

"What do you mean by bo'n oratah?"

"If you or I, suh, were asked how much two and two make, we would reply'foh. ' When this is asked of a bo'n oratah, he replies: 'When in theco'se of human events it becomes necessary to take an integah of thesecond denomination and add it, suh, to an integah of the samedenomination, the result, suh--and I have the science of mathematics toback me up in my judgment--the result, suh, and I say it without feah ofsuccessful contradiction, suh-the result is fo'' That's a bo'n oratah. "

When Demosthenes was asked what was the first part of Oratory, heanswered, "Action, " and which was the second, he replied, "Action, " andwhich was the third, he still answered "Action. "--_Plutarch_. 

OUTDOOR LIFE

One day, in the spring of '74, Cap Smith's freight outfit pulled intoHelena, Montana. After unloading the freight, the "mule-skinners, " to aman, repaired to the Combination Gambling House and proceeded to loadthemselves. Late in the afternoon, Zeb White, Smith's oldest skinner, having exchanged all of his hard coin for liquid refreshment, zigzaggedinto the corral, crawled under a wagon, and went to sleep. After supper, Smith, making his nightly rounds, happened on the sleeping Zeb. 

"Kinder chilly, ain't it?" he asked, after earnestly prodding Zeb with aconvenient stick. 

"I reckon 'tis, " Zeb drowsily mumbled. 

"Ain't yer 'fraid ye'll freeze?"

'"Tis cold, ain't it? Say, Cap, jest throw on another wagon, will yer?"

PAINTING

_See_ Art. 

PAINTINGS

She had engaged a maid recently from the country, and was now employedin showing her newly acquired treasure over the house and enlighteningher in regard to various duties, etc. At last they reached the bestroom. "These, " said the mistress of the house, pausing before anextensive row of masculine portraits, "are very valuable, and you mustbe very careful when dusting. They are old masters. " Mary's jaw dropped, and a look of intense wonder overspread her rubicund face. 

"Lor', mum, " she gasped, gazing with bulging eyes on the face of her newemployer, "lor', mum, who'd ever 'ave thought you'd been married allthese times!"

A picture is a poem without words. --_Cornificus_. 

PANICS

One night at a theatre some scenery took fire, and a very perceptibleodor of burning alarmed the spectators. A panic seemed to be imminent, when an actor appeared on the stage. 

"Ladies and gentlemen, " he said, "compose yourselves. There is nodanger. "

The audience did not seem reassured. 

"Ladies and gentlemen, " continued the comedian, rising to the necessityof the occasion, "confound it all--do you think if there was any dangerI'd be here?"

The panic collapsed. 

PARENTS

William, aged five, had been reprimanded by his father for interruptingwhile his father was telling his mother about the new telephone fortheir house. He sulked awhile, then went to his mother, and, patting heron the cheeks, said, "Mother dear, I love you. "

"Don't you love me too?" asked his father. 

Without glancing at him, William said disdainfully, "The wire's busy. "

"What does your mother say when you tell her those dreadful lies?"

"She says I take after father. "

"A little lad was desperately ill, but refused to take the medicine thedoctor had left. At last his mother gave him up. 

"Oh, my boy will die; my boy will die, " she sobbed. 

But a voice spoke from the bed, "Don't cry, mother. Father'll be homesoon and he'll make me take it. "

Mrs. White was undoubtedly the disciplinarian of the family. The masterof the house, a professor, and consequently a very busy man, wasregarded by the children as one of themselves, subject to the laws of"Mother. "

Mrs. White had been ill for some weeks and although the father felt thatthe children were showing evidence of running wild, he seemed powerlessto correct the fault. One evening at dinner, however, he felt obliged toreprimand Marion severely. 

"Marion, " he said, sternly, "stop that at once, or I shall take you fromthe table and punish you soundly. "

He experienced a feeling of profound satisfaction in being able to thusreprove when it was necessary and glanced across the table expecting tosee a very demure little miss. Instead, Marion and her little brotherexchanged glances and then simultaneously a grin overspread their faces, while Marion said in a mirthful tone:

"Oh, Francis, hear father trying to talk like mother!"

Robert has lately acquired a stepmother. Hoping to win his affectionthis new parent has been very lenient with him, while his father, feeling his responsibility, has been unusually strict. The boys of theneighborhood, who had taken pains to warn Robert of the terriblecharacter of stepmothers in general, recently waited on him in a body, and the following conversation was overheard:

"How do you like your stepmother, Bob?"

"Like her! Why fellers, I just love her. All I wish is I had astepfather, too. "

"Well, Bobby, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

BOBBY (remembering private seance in the wood-shed)--"A orphan. "

Little Eleanor's mother was an American, while her father was a German. 

One day, after Eleanor had been subjected to rather severe disciplinarymeasures at the hands of her father, she called her mother into anotherroom, closed the door significantly, and said: "Mother, I don't want tomeddle in your business, but I wish you'd send that husband of yoursback to Germany. "

The lawyer was sitting at his desk absorbed in the preparation of abrief. So bent was he on his work that he did not hear the door as itwas pushed gently open, nor see the curly head that was thrust into hisoffice. A little sob attracted his notice, and, turning he saw a facethat was streaked with tears and told plainly that feelings had beenhurt. 

"Well, my little man, did you want to see me?"

"Are you a lawyer?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I want"--and there was resolute ring in his voice--"I want a divorcefrom my papa and mama. "

PARROTS

Pat had but a limited knowledge of the bird kingdom. One day, walkingdown the street, he noticed a green bird in a cage, talking and singing. Thinking to pet it he stroked its head. The bird turned quickly, screaming, "Hello! What do you want?" Pat shied off like a frightenedhorse, lifting his hat and bowing politely as he stuttered out:"Ex-excuse me s-sir, I thought you was a burrd!"

PARTNERSHIP

A West Virginia darky, a blacksmith, recently announced a change in hisbusiness as follows: "Notice--De co-pardnership heretofore resistingbetween me and Mose Skinner is hereby resolved. Dem what owe de firmwill settle wid me, and dem what de firm owes will settle wid Mose. "

PASSWORDS

"I want to change my password, " said the man who had for two yearsrented a safety-deposit box. 

"Very well, " replied the man in charge. "What is the old one?"

"Gladys. "

"And what do you wish the new one to be?"

"Mabel. Gladys has gone to Reno. "

Senator Tillman not long ago piloted a plain farmer-constituent aroundthe Capitol for a while, and then, having some work to do on the floor, conducted him to the Senate gallery. 

After an hour or so the visitor approached a gallery door-keeper andsaid: "My name is Swate. I am a friend of Senator Tillman. He brought mehere and I want to go out and look around a bit. I though I would tellyou so I can get back in. "

"That's all right, " said the doorkeeper, "but I may not be here when youreturn. In order to prevent any mistake I will give you the password soyou can get your seat again. "

Swate's eyes rather popped out at this. "What's the word?" he asked. 

"Idiosyncrasy. "

"What?"

"Idiosyncrasy. "

"I guess I'll stay in, " said Swate. 

PATIENCE

"Your husband seems to be very impatient lately. "

"Yes, he is, very. "

"What is the matter with him?"

"He is getting tired waiting for a chance to get out where he can sitpatiently hour after hour waiting for a fish to nibble at his bait. "

PATRIOTISM

General Gordon, the Confederate commander, used to tell the followingstory: He was sitting by the roadside one blazing hot day when adilapidated soldier, his clothing in rags, a shoe lacking, his headbandaged, and his arm in a sling, passed him. He was soliloquizing inthis manner:

"I love my country. I'd fight for my country. I'd starve and go thirstyfor my country. I'd die for my country. But if ever this damn war isover I'll never love another country!"

A snobbish young Englishman visiting Washington's home at Mount Vernonwas so patronizing as to arouse the wrath of guards and caretakers; butit remained for "Shep" Wright, an aged gardener and one of the firstscouts of the Confederate army, to settle the gentleman. Approaching"Shep, " the Englishman said:

"Ah--er--my man, the hedge! Yes, I see, George got this hedge from dearold England. "

"Reckon he did, " replied "Shep". "He got this whole blooming countryfrom England. "

Speaking of the policy of the Government of the United States withrespect to its troublesome neighbors in Central and South America, "Uncle Joe" Cannon told of a Missouri congressman who is decidedlyopposed to any interference in this regard by our country. It seems thatthis spring the Missourian met an Englishman at Washington with whom heconversed touching affairs in the localities mentioned. The westernerasserted his usual views with considerable forcefulness, winding up withthis observation:

"The whole trouble is that we Americans need a ---- good licking!"

"You do, indeed!" promptly asserted the Britisher, as if pleased by theadmission. But his exultation was of brief duration, for the Missouriman immediately concluded with:

"But there ain't nobody can do it!"

A number of Confederate prisoners, during the Civil War, were detainedat one of the western military posts under conditions much lessunpleasant than those to be found in the ordinary military prison. Mostof them appreciated their comparatively good fortune. One young fellow, though, could not be reconciled to association with Yankees under anycircumstances, and took advantage of every opportunity to express hisfeelings. He was continually rubbing it in about the battle ofChickamauga, which had just been fought with such disastrous results forthe Union forces. 

"Maybe we didn't eat you up at Chickamauga!" was the way he generallygreeted a bluecoat. 

The Union men, when they could stand it no longer, reported the matterto General Grant. Grant summoned the prisoner. 

"See here, " said Grant, "I understand that you are continually insultingthe men here with reference to the battle of Chickamauga. They haveborne with you long enough, and I'm going to give you your choice of twothings. You will either take the oath of allegiance to the UnitedStates, or be sent to a Northern prison. Choose. "

The prisoner was silent for some time. "Well, " he said at last, in aresigned tone, "I reckon, General, I'll take the oath. "

The oath was duly administered. Turning to Grant, the fellow then asked, very penitently, if he might speak. 

"Yes, " said the general indifferently. "What is it?"

"Why, I was just thinkin', General, " he drawled, "they certainly didgive us hell at Chickamauga. "

Historical controversies are creeping into the schools. In a New Yorkpublic institution attended by many races, during an examination inhistory the teacher asked a little chap who discovered America. 

He was evidently thrown into a panic and hesitated, much to theteacher's surprise, to make any reply. 

"Oh, please, ma'am, " he finally stammered, "ask me somethin' else. "

"Something else, Jimmy? Why should I do that?"

"The fellers was talkin' 'bout it yesterday, " replied Jimmy, "Pat McGeesaid it was discovered by an Irish saint. Olaf, he said it was a sailorfrom Norway, and Giovanni said it was Columbus, an' if you'd a-seen whathappened you wouldn't ask a little feller like me. "

Our country! When right to be kept right; when wrong to be putright!--_Carl Schurz_. 

Our country! In her intercourse with foreign nations, may she always bein the right; but our country, right or wrong. --_Stephen Decatur_. 

There are no points of the compass on the chart of truepatriotism. --_Robert C. Winthrop_. 

Patriotic exercises and flag worship will avail nothing unless thestates give to their people of the kind of government that arousespatriotism. --_Franklin Pierce II_. 

PENSIONS

WILLIS--"I wonder if there will ever be universal peace. "

GILLIS--"Sure. All they've got to do is to get the nations to agree thatin case of war the winner pays the pensions. "--_Puck_. 

"Why was it you never married again, Aunt Sallie?" inquired Mrs. McClaneof an old colored woman in West Virginia. 

"'Deed, Miss Ellie, " replied the old woman earnestly, "dat daid nigger'swuth moah to me dan a live one. I gits a pension. "--_Edith HowellArmor_. 

If England had a system of pensions like ours, we should see that "allthat was left of the Noble Six Hundred" was six thousand pensioners. 

PESSIMISM

A pessimist is a man who lives with an optimist. --_Francis Wilson_. 

 How happy are the Pessimists! A bliss without alloy Is theirs when they have proved to us There's no such thing as joy!

 --_Harold Susman_. 

A pessimist is one who, of two evils, chooses them both. 

"I had a mighty queer surprise this morning, " remarked a local stockbroker. "I put on my last summer's thin suit on account of thisextraordinary hot weather, and in one of the trousers pockets I found abig roll of bills which I had entirely forgotten. "

"Were any of them receipted?" asked a pessimist. 

To tell men that they cannot help themselves is to fling them intorecklessness and despair. --_Fronde_. 

 With earth's first clay they did the last man knead, And there of the last harvest sowed the seed: And the first morning of creation wrote What the last dawn of reckoning shall read. 

 Yesterday this day's madness did prepare; Tomorrow's silence, triumph, or despair. Drink! For you know not whence you came, nor why; Drink! For you know not why you go, nor where. 

 --_Omar Khayyam_

PHILADELPHIA

A Staten Island man, when the mosquitoes began to get busy in theborough across the bay, has been in the habit every summer oftransplanting his family to the Delaware Water Gap for a few weeks. Theywere discussing their plans the other day, when the oldest boy, agedeight, looked up from his geography and said:

"Pop, Philadelphia is on the Delaware River, isn't it?"

Pop replied that such was the case. 

"I wonder if that's what makes the Delaware Water Gap?" insinuated theyoungster. --_S. S. Stinson_. 

Among the guests at an informal dinner in New York was a brightPhiladelphia girl. 

"These are snails, " said a gentleman next to her, when the dainty wasserved. "I suppose Philadelphia people don't eat them for fear ofcannibalism. "

"Oh, no, " was her instant reply; "it isn't that. We couldn't catchthem. "

PHILANTHROPISTS

 Little grains of short weight, Little crooked twists, Fill the land with magnates And philanthropists. 

_See also_ Charity. 

PHILOSOPHY

Philosophy is finding out how many things there are in the world whichyou can't have if you want them, and don't want if you can havethem. --_Puck_. 

PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS

The eight-year-old son of a Baltimore physician, together with a friend, was playing in his father's office, during the absence of the doctor, when suddenly the first lad threw open a closet door and disclosed tothe terrified gaze of his little friend an articulated skeleton. 

When the visitor had sufficiently recovered from his shock to stand theannouncement the doctor's son explained that his father was extremelyproud of that skeleton. 

"Is he?" asked the other. "Why?"

"I don't know, " was the answer; "maybe it was his first patient. "

The doctor stood by the bedside, and looked gravely down at the sickman. 

"I can not hide from you the fact that you are very ill, " he said. "Isthere any one you would like to see?"

"Yes, " said the sufferer faintly. 

"Who is it?"

"Another doctor. "--_Judge_. 

"Doctor, I want you to look after my office while I'm on my vacation. "

"But I've just graduated, doctor. Have had no experience. " "That's allright, my boy. My practice is strictly fashionable. Tell the men to playgolf and ship the lady patients off to Europe. "

An old darky once lay seriously ill of fever and was treated for a longtime by one doctor, and then another doctor, for some reason, came andtook the first one's place. The second physician made a thoroughexamination of the patient. At the end he said, "Did the other doctortake your temperature?"

"Ah dunno, sah, " the patient answered. "Ah hain't missed nuthin' so farbut mah watch. "

There had been an epidemic of colds in the town, and one physician whohad had scarcely any sleep for two days called upon a patient--anIrishman--who was suffering from pneumonia, and as he leaned over tohear the patient's respiration he called upon Pat to count. 

The doctor was so fatigued that he fell asleep, with his ear on the sickman's chest. It seemed but a minute when he suddenly awoke to hear Patstill counting: "Tin thousand an' sivinty-six, tin thousand an'sivinty-sivin--"

FIRST DOCTOR--"I operated on him for appendicitis. "

SECOND DOCTOR--"What was the matter with him?"--_Life_. 

FUSSY LADY PATIENT--"I was suffering so much, doctor, that I wanted todie. "

DOCTOR--"You did right to call me in, dear lady. "

MEDICAL STUDENT--"What did you operate on that man for?"

EMINENT SURGEON--"Two hundred dollars. "

MEDICAL STUDENT--"I mean what did he have?"

EMINENT SURGEON--"Two hundred dollars. "

The three degrees in medical treatment--Positive, ill; comparative, pill; superlative, bill. 

"What caused the coolness between you and that young doctor? I thoughtyou were engaged. "

"His writing is rather illegible. He sent me a note calling for 10, 000kisses. "

"Well?"

"I thought it was a prescription, and took it to the druggist to befilled. "

A tourist while traveling in the north of Scotland, far away fromanywhere, exclaimed to one of the natives: "Why, what do you do when anyof you are ill? You can never get a doctor. "

"Nae, sir, " replied Sandy. "We've jist to dee a naitural death. "

When the physician gives you medicine and tells you to take it, you takeit. "Yours not to reason why; yours but to do and die. "

Physicians, of all men, are most happy: whatever good success soeverthey have, the world proclaimeth; and what faults they commit, the earthcovereth. --_Quarles_. 

 This is the way that physicians mend or end us, Secundum artem: but although we sneer In health--when ill, we call them to attend us, Without the least propensity to jeer. 

 --_Byron_. 

_See also_ Bills. 

PICKPOCKETS

_See_ Thieves; Wives. 

PINS

"Oh, dear!" sighed the wife as she was dressing for a dinner-party, "Ican't find a pin anywhere. I wonder where all the pins go to, anyway?"

"That's a difficult question to answer, " replied her husband, "becausethey are always pointed in one direction and headed in another. "

PITTSBURG

"How about that airship?"

"It went up in smoke. "

"Burned, eh?"

"Oh, no. Made an ascension at Pittsburg. "

SKYBOUGH--"Why have you put that vacuum cleaner in front of yourairship?"

KLOUDLEIGH--"To clear a path. I have an engagement to sail overPittsburg. "

A man just back from South America was describing a volcanicdisturbance. 

"I was smoking a cigar before the door of my hotel, " said he, "when Iwas startled by a rather violent earthquake. The next instant the sunwas obscured and darkness settled over the city. Looking in thedirection of the distant volcano, I saw heavy clouds of smoke rollingfrom it, with an occasional tongue of flame flashing against the darksky. 

"Some of the natives about me were on their knees praying; others dartedaimlessly about, crazed with terror and shouting for mercy. The landlordof the hotel rushed out and seized me by the arm. 

"'To the harbor!' he cried in my ear. 

"Together we hurried down the narrow street. As we panted along, thedark smoke whirled in our faces, and a dangerous shower of red-hotcinders sizzled about us. Do you know, I don't believe I was ever sohomesick in all my life!"

"Homesick?" gasped the listener. "Homesick at a time like that?"

"Sure. I live in Pittsburg, you know. "

PLAY

The mother heard a great commotion, as of cyclones mixed up withbattering-rams, and she hurried upstairs to discover what was thematter. There she found Tommie sitting in the middle of the floor with abroad smile on his face. 

"Oh, Mama, " said he delightedly, "I've locked Grandpa and Uncle Georgein the cupboard, and when they get a little angrier I am going to playDaniel in the lion's den. "

PLEASURE

BILLY--"Huh! I bet you didn't have a good time at your birthday partyyesterday. "

WILLIE--"I bet I did. "

BILLY--"Then why ain't you sick today?"

Winnie had been very naughty, and her mamma said: "Don't you know youwill never go to Heaven if you are so naughty?"

After thinking a moment she said: "Oh, well, I have been to the circusonce and 'Uncle Tom's Cabin' twice. I can't expect to go everywhere. "

In Concord, New Hampshire, they tell of an old chap who made his wifekeep a cash account. Each week he would go over it, growling andgrumbling. On one such occasion he delivered himself of the following:

"Look here, Sarah, mustard-plasters, fifty cents; three teeth extracted, two dollars! There's two dollars and a half in one week spent for yourown private pleasure. Do you think I am made of money?"

Here's to beauty, wit and wine and to a full stomach, a full purse and alight heart. 

 A dinner, coffee and cigars, Of friends, a half a score. Each favorite vintage in its turn, -- What man could wish for more?

The roses of pleasure seldom last long enough to adorn the brow of himwho plucks them; for they are the only roses which do not retain theirsweetness after they have lost their beauty. --_Hannah More_. 

_See also_ Amusements. 

POETRY

Poetry is a gift we are told, but most editors won't take it even atthat. 

POETS

EDITOR--"Have you submitted this poem anywhere else?"

JOKESMITH--"No, sir. "

EDITOR--"Then where did you get that black eye?"--_Satire_. 

"Why is it, " asked the persistent poetess, "that you always insist thatwe write on one side of the paper only? Why not on both?"

In that moment the editor experienced an access of courage--courage toprotest against the accumulated wrongs of his kind. 

"One side of the paper, madame, " he made answer, "is in the nature of acompromise. "

"A compromise?"

"A compromise. What we really desire, if we could have our way, is notone, or both, but neither. "

Sir Lewis Morris was complaining to Oscar Wilde about the neglect of hispoems by the press. "It is a complete conspiracy of silence against me, a conspiracy of silence. What ought I to do, Oscar?" "Join it, " repliedWilde. 

 God's prophets of the Beautiful, These Poets were. 

 --_E. B. Browning_. 

 We call those poets who are first to mark Through earth's dull mist the coming of the dawn, -- Who see in twilight's gloom the first pale spark, While others only note that day is gone. 

 --_O. W. Holmes_. 

POLICE

A man who was "wanted" in Russia had been photographed in six differentpositions, and the pictures duly circulated among the police department. A few days later the chief of police wrote to headquarters: "Sir, I haveduly received the portraits of the six miscreants. I have arrested fiveof them, and the sixth will be secured shortly. "

"I had a message from the Black Hand, " said the resident of Graftburg. "They told me to leave $2, 000 in a vacant house in a certain street. "

"Did you tell the police?"

"Right away. "

"What did they do?"

"They said that while I was about it I might leave them a couple ofthousand in the same place. "

Recipe for a policeman:

 To a quart of boiling temper add a pint of Irish stew Together with cracked nuts, long beats and slugs; Serve hot with mangled citizens who ask the time of day-- The receipt is much the same for making thugs. 

 --_Life_. 

_See also_ Servants. 

POLITENESS

_See_ Courtesy; Etiquet. 

POLITICAL PARTIES

ZOO SUPERINTENDENT--"What was all the rumpus out there this morning?"

ATTENDANT--"The bull moose and the elephant were fighting over theirfeed. "

"What happened?"

"The donkey ate it. "--_Life_. 

POLITICIANS

Politicians always belong to the opposite party. 

The man who goes into politics as a business has no business to go intopolitics. --_Life_. 

A political orator, evidently better acquainted with western geographythan with the language of the Greeks, recently exclaimed with fervorthat his principles should prevail "from Alpha to Omaha. "

POLITICIAN--"Congratulate me, my dear, I've won the nomination. "

HIS WIFE (in surprise)--"Honestly?"

POLITICIAN--"Now what in thunder did you want to bring up that pointfor?"

"What makes you think the baby is going to be a great politician?" askedthe young mother, anxiously. 

"I'll tell you, " answered the young father, confidently; "he can saymore things that sound well and mean nothing at all than any kid I eversaw. "

"The mere proposal to set the politician to watch the capitalist hasbeen disturbed by the rather disconcerting discovery that they are boththe same man. We are past the point where being a capitalist is the onlyway of becoming a politician, and we are dangerously near the pointwhere being a politician is much the quickest way of becoming acapitalist. "--_G. K. Chesterton_. 

At a political meeting the speakers and the audience were much annoyedand disturbed by a man who constantly called out: "Mr. Henry! Henry, Henry, Henry! I call for Mr. Henry!" After several interruptions ofthis kind during each speech, a young man ascended the platform, andbegan an eloquent and impassioned speech in which he handled the issuesof the day with easy familiarity. He was in the midst of a glowingperiod when suddenly the old cry echoed through the hall: "Mr. Henry!Henry, Henry, Henry! I call for Mr. Henry!" With a word to the speaker, the chairman stepped to the front of the platform and remarked that itwould oblige the audience very much if the gentleman in the rear of thehall would refrain from any further calls for Mr. Henry, as thatgentleman was then addressing the meeting. 

"Mr. Henry? Is that Mr. Henry?" came in astonished tones from the rear. "Thunder! that can't be him. Why, that's the young man that asked me tocall for Mr. Henry. "

A political speaker, while making a speech, paused in the midst of itand exclaimed: "Now gentlemen, what do you think?"

A man rose in the assembly, and with one eye partially closed, repliedmodestly, with a strong Scotch brogue: "I think, sir, I do, indeed, sir--I think if you and I were to stump the country together we couldtell more lies than any other two men in the country, sir, and I'd notsay a word myself during the whole time, sir. "

The Rev. Dr. Biddell tells a lively story about a Presbyterian ministerwho had a young son, a lad about ten years of age. He was endeavoring tobring him up in the way he should go, and was one day asked by a friendwhat he intended to make of him. In reply he said:

"I am watching the indications. I have a plan which I propose tryingwith the boy. It is this: I am going to place in my parlor a Bible, anapple and a silver dollar. Then I am going to leave the room and call inthe boy. I am going to watch him from some convenient place withoutletting him know that he is seen. Then, if he chooses the Bible, I shallmake a preacher of him; if he takes the apple, a farmer he shall be; butif he chooses the dollar, I will make him a business man. "

The plan was carried out. The arrangements were made and the boy calledin from his play. After a little while the preacher and his wife softlyentered the room. There was the youngster. He was seated on the Bible, in one hand was the apple, from which he was just taking a bite, and inthe other he clasped the silver dollar. The good man turned to hisconsort. "Wife, " he said, "the boy is a hog. I shall make a politicianof him. "

Senator Mark Hanna was walking through his mill one day when he heard aboy say:

"I wish I had Hanna's money and he was in the poorhouse. "

When he returned to the office the senator sent for the lad, who wasplainly mystified by the summons. 

"So you wish you had my money and I was in the poorhouse, " said thegreat man grimly. "Now supposing you had your wish, what would you do?"

"Well, " said the boy quickly, his droll grin showing his appreciation ofthe situation, "I guess I'd get you out of the poorhouse the firstthing. "

Mr. Hanna roared with laughter and dismissed the youth. 

"You might as well push that boy along, " he said to one of hisassistants; "he's too good a politician to be kept down. "

_See also_ Candidates; Public Speakers. 

POLITICS

Politics consists of two sides and a fence. 

If I were asked to define politics in relation to the British public, Ishould define it as a spasm of pain recurring once in every four or fiveyears. --_A. E. W. Mason_. 

LITTLE CLARENCE (who has an inquiring mind)--"Papa, the Forty Thieves--"

MR. CALLIPERS--"Now, my son, you are too young to talkpolitics. "--_Puck_. 

"Many a man, " remarked the milk toast philosopher, "has gone intopolitics with a fine future, and come out with a terrible past. " LordDufferin delivered an address before the Greek class of the McGillUniversity about which a reporter wrote:

"His lordship spoke to the class in the purest ancient Greek, withoutmispronouncing a word or making the slightest grammatical solecism. "

"Good heavens!" remarked Sir Hector Langevin to the late Sir John A. Macdonald, "how did the reporter know that!"

"I told him, " was the Conservative statesman's answer. 

"But you don't know Greek. "

"True; but I know a little about politics. "

Little Millie's father and grandfather were Republicans; and, aselection drew near, they spoke of their opponents with increasingwarmth, never heeding Millie's attentive ears and wondering eyes. 

One night, however, as the little maid was preparing for bed, shewhispered in a frightened voice: "Oh, mamma, I don't dare to goupstairs. I'm afraid there's a Democrat under the bed. "

"The shortest after-dinner speech I ever heard, " said Cy Warman, thepoet, "was at a dinner in Providence. "

"A man was assigned to the topic, 'The Christian in Politics. ' When hewas called upon he arose, bowed and said: 'Mr. Chairman, ladies andgentlemen: The Christian in Politics--he ain't. '"

Politics is but the common pulse-beat of which revolution is the feverspasm. --_Wendell Phillips_. 

POVERTY

Poverty is no disgrace, but that's about all that can be said in itsfavor. 

A traveler passing through the Broad Top Mountain district in northernBedford County, Pennsylvania, last summer, came across a lad of sixteencultivating a patch of miserable potatoes. He remarked upon theirunpromising appearance and expressed pity for anyone who had to dig aliving out of such soil. 

"I don't need no pity, " said the boy resentfully. 

The traveler hastened to soothe his wounded pride. But in the offendedtone of one who has been misjudged the boy added; "I ain't as poor asyou think. I'm only _workin'_ here. I don't _own_ this place. "

One day an inspector of a New York tenement-house found four familiesliving in one room, chalk lines being drawn across in such manner as tomark out a quarter for each family. 

"How do you get along here?" inquired the inspector. 

"Very well, " was the reply. "Only the man in the farthest corner keepsboarders. "

There is no man so poor but that he can afford to keep one dog, and Ihev seen them so poor that they could afford to keep three. --_JoshBillings_. 

May poverty be always a day's march behind us. 

Not he who has little, but he who wishes for more, is poor. --_Seneca_. 

PRAISE

WIFE (complainingly)--"You never praise me up to any one. "

HUB--"I don't, eh! You should hear me describe you at the intelligenceoffice when I'm trying to hire a cook. "

"What sort of a man is he?"

"Well, he's just what I've been looking for--a generous soul, with alimousine body. "--_Life_. 

PRAYER MEETINGS

A foreigner who attended a prayer meeting in Indiana was asked what theassistants did. "Not very much, " he said, "only they sin andbray. "

PRAYERS

During the winter the village preacher was taken sick, and several ofhis children were also afflicted with the mumps. One day a number of thedevout church members called to pray for the family. While they wereabout it a boy, the son of a member living in the country, knocked atthe preacher's door. He had his arms full of things. "What have youthere?" a deacon asked him. 

"Pa's prayers for a happy Thanksgiving, " the boy answered, as heproceeded to unload potatoes, bacon, flour and other provisions for theafflicted family. 

A little girl in Washington surprised her mother the other day byclosing her evening prayers in these words: "Amen; good bye; ring off. "

TEACHER--"Now, Tommy, suppose a man gave you $100 to keep for him andthen died, what would you do? Would you pray for him?"

TOMMY--"No, sir; but I would pray for another like him. "

A well-known revivalist whose work has been principally among thenegroes of a certain section of the South remembers one serviceconducted by him that was not entirely successful. He had had very poorattendance, and spent much time in questioning the darkies as to theirreason for not attending. 

"Why were you not at our revival?" he asked one old man, whom heencountered on the road. 

"Oh, I dunno, " said the backward one. 

"Don't you ever pray?" demanded the preacher. 

The old man shook his head. "No, " said he; "I carries a rabbit'sfoot. "--_Taylor Edwards_. 

A little girl attending an Episcopal church for the first time, wasamazed to see all kneel suddenly. She asked her mother what they weregoing to do. Her mother replied, "Hush, they're going to say theirprayers. "

"What with all their clothes on?"

The new minister in a Georgia church was delivering his first sermon. The darky janitor was a critical listener from a back corner of thechurch. The minister's sermon was eloquent, and his prayers seemed tocover the whole category of human wants. 

After the services one of the deacons asked the old darky what hethought of the new minister. "Don't you think he offers up a goodprayer, Joe?"

"Ah mos' suhtainly does, boss. Why, dat man axed de good Lord fo' thingsdat de odder preacher didn't even know He had!"

Hilma was always glad to say her prayers, but she wanted to be sure thatshe was heard in the heavens above as well as on the earth beneath. 

One night, after the usual "Amen, " she dropped her head upon her pillowand closed her eyes. After a moment she lifted her hand and, waving italoft, said, "Oh, Lord! this prayer comes from 203 Selden Avenue. "

Willie's mother had told him that if he went to the river to play heshould go to bed. One day she was away, and on coming home about twoo'clock in the afternoon found Willie in bed. 

"What are you in bed for?" asked his mother. 

"I went to the river to play, and I knew you would put me in bed, so Ididn't wait for you to come. "

"Did you say your prayers before you went to bed?" asked his mother. 

"No, " said Willie. "You don't suppose God would be loafing around herethis time of day, do you? He's at the office. "

Little Polly, coming in from her walk one morning, informed her motherthat she had seen a lion in the park. No amount of persuasion orreasoning could make her vary her statement one hairbreadth. That night, when she slipped down on her knees to say her prayers, her mother said, "Polly, ask God to forgive you for that fib. "

Polly hid her face for a moment. Then she looked straight into hermother's eyes, her own eyes shining like stars, and said, "I did askhim, mamma, dearest, and he said, 'Don't mention it, Miss Polly; thatbig yellow dog has often fooled me. '"

Prayer is the spirit speaking truth to Truth. --_Bailey_. 

 Pray to be perfect, though material leaven Forbid the spirit so on earth to be; But if for any wish thou darest not pray, Then pray to God to cast that wish away. 

 --_Hartley Coleridge_. 

_See also_ Courage. 

PREACHING

The services in the chapel of a certain western university are from timeto time conducted by eminent clergymen of many denominations and frommany cities. 

On one occasion, when one of these visiting divines asked the presidenthow long he should speak, that witty officer replied:

"There is no limit, Doctor, upon the time you may preach; but I may tellyou that there is a tradition here that the most souls are saved duringthe first twenty-five minutes. "

One Sunday morning a certain young pastor in his first charge announcednervously:

"I will take for my text the words, 'And they fed five men with fivethousand loaves of bread and two thousand fishes. '"

At this misquotation an old parishioner from his seat in the amen cornersaid audibly:

"That's no miracle--I could do it myself. "

The young preacher said nothing at the time, but the next Sunday heannounced the same text again. This time he got it right:

"And they fed five thousand men on five loaves of bread and twofishes. "

He waited a moment, and then, leaning over the pulpit and looking at theamen corner, he said:

"And could you do that, too, Mr. Smith?"

"Of course I could, " Mr. Smith replied. 

"And how would you do it?" said the preacher. 

"With what was left over from last Sunday, " said Mr. Smith. 

The late Bishop Foss once visited a Philadelphia physician for sometrifling ailment. "Do you, sir, " the doctor asked, in the course of hisexamination, "talk in your sleep?"

"No sir, " answered the bishop. "I talk in other people's. Aren't youaware that I am a divine?"

"Yes, sir, " said the irate man, "I got even with that clergyman. Islurred him. Why, I hired one hundred people to attend his church and goto sleep before he had preached five minutes. "

A noted eastern Judge when visiting in the west went to church onSunday; which isn't so remarkable as the fact that he knew beforehandthat the preacher was exceedingly tedious and long winded to the lastdegree. After the service the preacher met the Judge in the vestibuleand said: "Well, your Honor, how did you like the sermon?"

"Oh, most wonderfully, " replied the Judge. "It was like the peace ofGod; for it passed all understanding, and, like His mercy, I thought itwould have endured forever. "

The preacher's evening discourse was dry and long, and the congregationgradually melted away. The sexton tiptoed up to the pulpit and slipped anote under one corner of the Bible. It read:

"When you are through, will you please turn off the lights, lock thedoor, and put the key under the mat?"

The new minister's first sermon was very touching and created muchfavorable comment among the members of the church. One morning, a fewdays later, his nine-year-old son happened to be alone in the pastor'sstudy and with childish curiosity started to read through some papers onthe desk. They happened to be this identical sermon, but he was mostinterested in the marginal notes. In one place in the margin werewritten the words, "Cry a little. " Further on in the discourse appearedanother marginal remark, "Cry a little more. " On the next to the lastsheet the boy found his good father had penned another remark, "Cry likethunder. "

A young preacher, who was staying at a clergy-house, was in the habit ofretiring to his room for an hour or more each day to practice pulpitoratory. At such times he filled the house with sounds of fervor andpathos, and emptied it of almost everything else. Phillips Brookschanced to be visiting a friend in this house one day when the buddingorator was holding forth. 

"Gracious me!" exclaimed the Bishop, starting up in assumed terror, "pray, what might that be?"

"Sit down, Bishop, " his friend replied. "That's only young D----practising what he preaches. "

A distinguished theologian was invited to make an address before aSunday-school. The divine spoke for over an hour and his remarks were oftoo deep a character for the average juvenile mind to comprehend. At theconclusion, the superintendent, according to custom, requested some onein the school to name an appropriate hymn to be sung. 

"Sing 'Revive Us Again, '" shouted a boy in the rear of the room. 

A clergyman was once sent for in the middle of the night by one of hiswoman parishioners. 

"Well, my good woman, " said he, "so you are ill and require theconsolations of religion? What can I do for you?"

"No, " replied the old lady, "I am only nervous and can't sleep!"

"But how can I help that?" said the parson. 

"Oh, sir, you always put me to sleep so nicely when I go to church thatI thought if you would only preach a little for me!"

 I never see my rector's eyes; He hides their light divine; For when he prays, he shuts his own, And when he preaches, mine. 

A stranger entered the church in the middle of the sermon and seatedhimself in the back pew. After a while he began to fidget. Leaning overto the white-haired man at his side, evidently an old member of thecongregation, he whispered:

"How long has he been preaching?"

"Thirty or forty years, I think, " the old man answered. 

"I'll stay then, " decided the stranger. "He must be nearly done. "

Once upon a time there was an Indian named Big Smoke, employed as amissionary to his fellow Smokes. 

A white man encountering Big Smoke, asked him what he did for a living. 

"Umph!" said Big Smoke, "me preach. "

"That so? What do you get for preaching?"

"Me get ten dollars a year. "

"Well, " said the white man, "that's damn poor pay. "

"Umph!" said Big Smoke, "me damn poor preacher. "

_See also_ Clergy. 

PRESCRIPTIONS

After a month's work in intensely warm weather a gardener in the suburbsbecame ill, and the anxious little wife sent for a doctor, who wrote aprescription after examining the patient. The doctor, upon departing, said: "Just let your husband take that and you'll find he will be allright in a short time. "

Next day the doctor called again, and the wife opened the door, her facebeaming with smiles. "Sure, that was a wonderful wee bit of paper youleft yesterday, " she exclaimed. "William is better to-day. "

"I'm glad to hear that, " said the much-pleased medical man. 

"Not but what I hadn't a big job to get him to swallow it. " shecontinued, "but, sure, I just wrapped up the wee bit of paper quitesmall and put it in a spoonful of jam and William swallowed itunbeknownst. By night he was entirely better. "

PRESENCE OF MIND

"What did you do when you met the train-robber face to face?"

"I explained that I had been interviewed by the ticket-seller, theluggage-carriers, the dining-car waiters, and the sleeping-car portersand borrowed a dollar from him. "

PRINTERS

The master of all trades: He beats the farmer with his fast "hoe, " thecarpenter with his "rule, " and the mason in "setting up tall columns";and he surpasses the lawyer and the doctor in attending to the "cases, "and beats the parson in the management of the devil. 

PRISONS

A man arrested for stealing chickens was brought to trial. The case wasgiven to the jury, who brought him in guilty, and the judge sentencedhim to three months' imprisonment. The jailer was a jovial man, fond ofa smile, and feeling particularly good on that particular day, considered himself insulted when the prisoner looking around the celltold him it was dirty, and not fit for a hog to be put in. One wordbrought on another, till finally the jailer told the prisoner if he didnot behave himself he would put him out. To which the prisoner replied:"I will give you to understand, sir, I have as good a right here as youhave!"

SHERIFF--"That fellow who just left jail is going to be arrested againsoon. "

"How do you know?"

SHERIFF--"He chopped my wood, carried the water, and mended my socks. Ican't get along without him. "

PRODIGALS

"Why did the father of the prodigal son fall on his neck and weep?"

"Cos he had ter kill the fatted calf, an' de son wasn't wort' it. "

PROFANITY

THE RECTOR--"It's terrible for a man like you to make every other wordan oath. "

THE MAN--"Oh, well, I swear a good deal and you pray a good deal, but wedon't neither of us mean nuthin' by it. "

FIRST DEAF MUTE--"He wasn't so very angry, was he?"

SECOND DEAF MUTE--"He was so wild that the words he used almostblistered his fingers. "

The little daughter of a clergyman stubbed her toe and said, "Darn!"

"I'll give you ten cents, " said father, "if you'll never say that wordagain. "

A few days afterward she came to him and said: "Papa, I've got a wordworth half a dollar. "

Very frequently the winter highways of the Yukon valley are mere trails, traversed only by dog-sledges. One of the bishops in Alaska, who wasvery fond of that mode of travel, encountered a miner coming out withhis dog-team, and stopped to ask him what kind of a road he had comeover. 

The miner responded with a stream of forcible and picturesque profanity, winding up with:

"And what kind o' trail did you have?"

"Same as yours, " replied the bishop feelingly. --_Elgin Burroughs_. 

 A scrupulous priest of Kildare, Used to pay a rude peasant to swear, Who would paint the air blue, For an hour or two, While his reverence wrestled in prayer. 

Donald and Jeanie were putting down a carpet. Donald slammed the end ofhis thumb with the hammer and began to pour forth his soul in languagebefitting the occasion. 

"Donald, Donald!" shrieked Jeanie, horrified. "Dinna swear that way!"

"Wummun!" vociferated Donald; "gin ye know ony better way, now is thetime to let me know it!"

"It is not always necessary to make a direct accusation, " said thelawyer who was asking damages because insinuations had been made againsthis client's good name. "You may have heard of the woman who called tothe hired girl, 'Mary, Mary. Come here and take the parrotdownstairs--the master has dropped his collar button!'"

Little Bartholomew's mother overheard him swearing like a mule-driver. He displayed a fluency that overwhelmed her. She took him to task, explaining the wickedness of profanity as well as its vulgarity. Sheasked where he had learned all those dreadful words. Bartholomewannounced that Cavert, one of his playmates, had taught him. 

Cavert's mother was straightway informed and Cavert was brought to book. He vigorously denied having instructed Bartholomew, and neither threatsnor tears could make him confess. At last he burst out:

"I didn't tell Bartholomew any cuss words. Why should I know how to cussany better than he does? Hasn't his father got an automobile, too?"

They were in Italy together. 

"If you would let me curse them black and blue, " said the groom, "weshouldn't have to wait so long for the trunks. "

"But, darling, please don't. It would distress me so, " murmured thebride. 

The groom went off, but quickly returned with the porters before himtrundling the trunks at a double quick. 

"Oh, dearest, how did you do it? You didn't--?"

"Not at all. I thought of something that did quite as well. I said, '_S-s-s-susquehanna, R-r-r-rappahannock!'"--Cornelia C. Ward_. 

A school girl was required to write an essay of two hundred and fiftywords about a motorcar. She submitted the following:

"My uncle bought a motorcar. He was riding in the country when it bustedup a hill. I guess this is about fifty words. The other two hundred arewhat my uncle said when he was walking back to town, but they are notfit for publication. "

The ashman was raising a can of ashes above his head to dump thecontents into his cart, when the bottom of the can came out. Ethel sawit and ran in and told her mother. 

"I hope you didn't listen to what he said, " the mother remarked. 

"He didn't say a word to me, " replied the little girl; "he just walkedright off by the side of his cart, talking to God. "

A young man entered the jeweler's store and bought a ring, which heordered engraved. The jeweler asked what name. 

"George Osborne to Harriet Lewis, but I prefer only the initials, G. O. To H. L. "

For it comes to pass oft that a terrible oath, with a swaggering accentsharply twanged off, gives manhood more approbation than ever proofitself would have earned him. --_Shakespeare_. 

PROHIBITION

"Talking about dry towns, have you ever been in Leavenworth, Kansas?"asked the commercial traveler in the smoking-car. "No? Well, that's adry town for you, all right. "

"They can't sell liquor at all there?" asked one of the men. 

"Only if you had been bitten by a snake, " said the drummer. "They haveonly one snake in town, and when I got to it the other day afterstanding in line for nearly half a day it was too tired to bite. "

It was prohibition country. As soon as the train pulled up, a seedylittle man with a covered basket on his arm hurried to the open windowsof the smoker and exhibited a quart bottle filled with rich, dark fluid. 

"Want to buy some nice cold tea?" he asked, with just the suspicion of awink. 

Two thirsty-looking cattlemen brightened visibly, and each paid a dollarfor a bottle. 

"Wait until you get outer the station before you take a drink, " thelittle man cautioned them. "I don't wanter get in trouble. "

He found three other customers before the train pulled out, in each caserepeating his warning. 

"You seem to be doing a pretty good business, " remarked a man who hadwatched it all. "But I don't see why you'd run any more risk of gettingin trouble if they took a drink before the train started. "

"Ye don't, hey? Well, what them bottles had in 'em, pardner, was realcold tea. "

PROMOTING

Mr. Harcourt, the Secretary of State for the Colonies, at the BritishNorth Borneo dinner, said that a City friend of his was approached witha view to floating a rubber company. His friend was quite ready. "Howmany trees have you?" he asked. "We have not got any trees, " was theanswer. "How much land have you?" "We have no land. " "What then have yougot?" "I have a bag of seeds!"

There are many tales about the caution of Russell Sage and thecleverness with which he outwitted those who sought to get some of hismoney from him. Two brilliant promoters went to him one time andpresented a scheme. The financier listened for an hour, and when theydeparted they were told that Mr. Sage's decision would be mailed to themin a few days. 

"I think we have got Uncle Russell, " said one of the promoters. "Ireally believe we have won his confidence. "

"I fear not, " observed the other doubtfully. "He is too suspicious. "

"Suspicious? I didn't observe any sign of it. "

"Didn't you notice that he counted his fingers after I had shaken handswith him and we were coming away?"

PROMOTION

Promotion cometh neither from the east nor the west, but from thecemetery. --_Edward Sanford Martin_. 

PROMPTNESS

"Are you first in anything at school, Earlie?"

"First out of the building when the bell rings. "

The head of a large business house bought a number of those "Do it now"signs and hung them up around his offices. When, after the first fewdays of those signs, the business man counted up the results, he foundthat the cashier had skipped out with $20, 000, the head bookkeeper hadeloped with the stenographer, three clerks had asked for a raise insalary, and the office boy had lit out for the west to become ahighwayman. 

"Are you waiting for me, dear?" she said, coming downstairs at last, after spending half an hour fixing her hat. 

"Waiting, " exclaimed the impatient man. "Oh no, notwaiting--sojourning. "

PRONUNCIATION

A tale is told of a Kansas minister, a great precisionist in the use ofwords, whose exactness sometimes destroyed the force of what he wassaying. On one occasion, in the course of an eloquent prayer, hepleaded:

"O Lord! waken thy cause in the hearts of this congregation and givethem new eyes to see and new impulse to do. Send down Thy lev-er orlee-ver, according to Webster's or Worcester's dictionary, whicheverThou usest, and pry them into activity. "

"I'm at the head of my class, pa, " said Willie. 

"Dear me, son, how did that happen?" cried his father. 

"Why, the teacher asked us this morning how to pronounceC-h-i-h-u-a-h-u-a, and nobody knew, " said Willie, "but when she got downto me I sneezed and she said that was right. "

_See also_ Liars. 

PROPORTION

A middle-aged colored woman in a Georgia village, hearing a commotion ina neighbor's cabin, looked in at the door. On the floor lay a small boywrithing in great distress while his mother bent solicitously over him. 

"What-all's de matter wif de chile?" asked the visitor sympathetically. 

"I spec's hit's too much watermillion, " responded the mother. 

"Ho! go 'long wif you, " protested the visitor scornfully. "Dey cyan'tnever be too much watermillion. Hit mus' be dat dere ain't enough boy. "

PROPOSALS

A love-smitten youth who was studying the approved method of proposalasked one of his bachelor friends if he thought that a young man shouldpropose to a girl on his knees. 

"If he doesn't, " replied his friend, "the girl should get off. "

A gentleman who had been in Chicago only three days, but who had beenpaying attention to a prominent Chicago belle, wanted to propose, butwas afraid he would be thought too hasty. He delicately broached thesubject as follows: "If I were to speak to you of marriage, after havingonly made your acquaintance three days ago, what would you say of it?"

"Well, I should say, never put off till tomorrow that which should havebeen done the day before yesterday. "

 There was a young man from the West, Who proposed to the girl he loved best, But so closely he pressed her To make her say, yes, sir, That he broke two cigars in his vest. 

 --_The Tobacconist_. 

They were dining on fowl in a restaurant. "You see, " he explained, as heshowed her the wishbone, "you take hold here. Then we must both make awish and pull, and when it breaks the one who has the bigger part of itwill have his or her wish granted. " "But I don't know what to wish for, "she protested. "Oh! you can think of something, " he said. "No, I can't, "she replied; "I can't think of anything I want very much. " "Well, I'llwish for you, " he explained. "Will you, really?" she asked. "Yes. ""Well, then there's no use fooling with the old wishbone, " sheinterrupted with a glad smile, "you can have me. "

"Dear May, " wrote the young man, "pardon me, but I'm getting soforgetful. I proposed to you last night, but really forget whether yousaid yes or no. "

"Dear Will, " she replied by note, "so glad to hear from you. I know Isaid 'no' to some one last night, but I had forgotten just who it was. "

The four Gerton girls were all good-looking; indeed, the three youngerones were beautiful; while Annie, the oldest, easily made up incapability and horse sense what she lacked in looks. 

A young chap, very eligible, called on the girls frequently, but seemedunable to decide which to marry. So Annie put on her thinking cap, and, one evening when the young chap called, she appeared with her prettyarms bare to the elbow and her hands white with flour. 

"Oh, you must excuse my appearance, " she said. "I have been working inthe kitchen all day. I baked bread and pies and cake this morning, andafterward, as the cook was ill, I prepared dinner. "

"Miss Annie, is that so?" said the young man. He looked at her, deeplyimpressed. Then, after a moment's thought, he said:

"Miss Annie, there is a question I wish to ask you, and on your answerwill depend much of my life's happiness. "

"Yes?" she said, with a blush, and she drew a little nearer. "Yes? Whatis it?"

"Miss Annie, " said the young man, in deep earnest tones, "I am thinkingof proposing to your sister Kate--will you make your home with us?"

It was at Christmas, and he had been calling on her twice a week for sixmonths, but had not proposed. 

"Ethel, " he said, "I--er--am going to ask you an important question. "

"Oh, George, " she exclaimed, "this is so sudden! Why, I--"

"No, excuse me, " he interrupted; "what I want to ask is this: What datehave you and your mother decided upon for our wedding?"

A Scotch beadle led the maiden of his choice to a churchyard and, pointing to the various headstones, said:

"My folks are all buried there, Jennie. Wad ye like to be buried theretoo?"

IMPECUNIOUS LOVER--"Be mine, Amanda, and you will be treated like anangel. "

WEALTHY MAIDEN--"Yes, I suppose so. Nothing to eat, and less to wear. No, thank you. "

The surest way to hit a woman's heart is to take aim kneeling. --_DouglasJerrold_. 

PROPRIETY

 There was a young lady of Wilts, Who walked up to Scotland on stilts; When they said it was shocking To show so much stocking, She answered: "Then what about kilts?"

 --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_. 

PROSPERITY

 May bad fortune follow you all your days And never catch up with you. 

PROTESTANT EPISCOPAL CHURCH

One of our popular New England lecturers tells this amusingstory. 

A street boy of diminutive stature was trying to sell somevery young kittens to passers-by. One day he accosted thelate Reverend Phillips Brooks, asking him to purchase, andrecommending them as good Episcopal kittens. Dr. Brookslaughingly refused, thinking them too small to be taken fromtheir mother. A few days later a Presbyterian minister whohad witnessed this episode was asked by the same boy to buy thesame kittens. This time the lad announced that they were faithfulPresbyterians. 

"Didn't you tell Dr. Brooks last week that they were Episcopalkittens?" the minister asked sternly. 

"Yes sir, " replied the boy quickly, "but they's had their eyesopened since then, sir. "

An Episcopal clergyman who was passing his vacation ina remote country district met an old farmer who declared thathe was a "'Piscopal. "

"To what parish do you belong?" asked the clergyman. 

"Don't know nawthin' 'bout enny parish, " was the answer. 

"Who confirmed you, then?" was the next question. 

"Nobody, " answered the farmer. 

"Then how are you an Episcopalian?" asked the clergyman. 

"Well, " was the reply, "you see it's this way: Last winterI went to church, an' it was called 'Piscopal, an' I heerd themsay that they left undone the things what they'd oughter doneand they'd done some things what they oughtenter done, and Isays to myself says I: 'That's my fix exac'ly, ' and ever sencethen I've been a 'Piscopalian. "

PROTESTANTS

A Protestant mission meeting had been held in an Irish town and thiswas the gardener's contribution to the controversy that ensued:"Pratestants!" he said with lofty scorn, "'Twas mighty little St. Paulthought of the Pratestants. You've all heard tell of the 'pistle hewrote to the Romans, but I'd ax ye this, did any of yez iver hear ofhis writing a 'pistle to the Pratestants?"

PROVIDENCE

"Why did papa have appendicitis and have to pay the doctor a thousanddollars, Mama?"

"It was God's will, dear. "

"And was it because God was mad at papa or pleased with thedoctor?"--_Life_. 

There's a certain minister whose duties sometimes call him out of thecity. He has always arranged for some one of his parishioners to keepcompany with his wife and little daughter during these absences. Recently, however, he was called away so suddenly that he had noopportunity of providing a guardian. 

The wife was very brave during the early evening, but after dark hadfallen her courage began to fail. She stayed up with her little girltill there was no excuse for staying any longer and then took herupstairs to bed. 

"Now go to sleep, Dearie, " she said. "Don't be afraid. God willprotect you. "

"Yes, Mother, " answered the little girl, "that'll be all righttonight, but next time let's make better arrangements. "

PROVINCIALISM

Some time ago an English friend of Colonel W. J. Lampton's living inNew York and having never visited the South, went to Virginia to spenda month with friends. After a fortnight of it, he wrote back:

"Oh, I say, old top, you never told me that the South was anythinglike I have found it, and so different to the North. Why, man, it'sGod's country. "

The Colonel, who gets his title from Kentucky, answered promptly bypostal. 

"Of course it is, " he wrote. "You didn't suppose God was a Yankee, didyou?"

A southerner, with the intense love for his own district, attended abanquet. The next day a friend asked him who was present. With areminiscent smile he replied: "An elegant gentleman from Virginia, agentleman from Kentucky, a man from Ohio, a bounder from Chicago, afellow from New York, and a galoot from Maine. "

They had driven fourteen miles to the lake, and then rowed six milesacross the lake to get to the railroad station, when the Chicago manasked:

"How in the world do you get your mail and newspapers here in thewinter when the storms are on?"

"Wa-al, we don't sometimes. I've seen this lake thick up so that itwas three weeks before we got a Chicago paper, " answered the man from"nowhere. "

"Well, you were cut off, " said the Chicago man. 

"Ya-as, we were so, " was the reply. "Still, the Chicago folks werejust as badly off. "

"How so?"

"Wa-al, " drawled the man, "we didn't know what was going on inChicago, of course. But then, neither did Chicago folks know what wasgoing on down here. "

PUBLIC SERVICE CORPORATIONS

The attorney demanded to know how many secret societies the witnessbelonged to, whereupon the witness objected and appealed to the court. 

"The court sees no harm in the question, " answered the judge. "You mayanswer. "

"Well, I belong to three. "

"What are they?"

"The Knights of Pythias, the Odd Fellows, and the gas company. "

"Yes, he had some rare trouble with his eyes, " said the celebratedoculist. "Every time he went to read he would read double. "

"Poor fellow, " remarked the sympathetic person. "I suppose thatinterfered with his holding a good position?"

"Not at all. The gas company gobbled him up and gave him a lucrativejob reading gas-meters. "

PUBLIC SPEAKERS

ORATOR--"I thought your paper was friendly to me?"

EDITOR--"So it is. What's the matter?"

ORATOR--"I made a speech at the dinner last night, and you didn'tprint a line of it. "

EDITOR--"Well, what further proof do you want?"

TRAVELING LECTURER FOR SOCIETY (to the remaining listener)--"I shouldlike to thank you, sir, for so attentively hearing me to the end of arather too long speech. "

LOCAL MEMBER OF SOCIETY--"Not at all, sir. I'm the second speaker. "

Ex-senator Spooner of Wisconsin says the best speech of introductionhe ever heard was delivered by the German mayor of a small town inWisconsin, where Spooner had been engaged to speak. 

The mayor said:

"Ladies und shentlemens, I haf been asked to indrotoose you to theHonorable Senator Spooner, who vill make to you a speech, yes. I hafnow done so; he vill now do so. "

"When I arose to speak, " related a martyred statesman, "some onehurled a base, cowardly egg at me and it struck me in the chest. "

"And what kind of an egg might that be?" asked a fresh young man. 

"A base, cowardly egg, " explained the statesman, "is one that hits youand then runs. "

"Uncle Joe" Cannon has a way of speaking his mind that is sometimesembarrassing to others. On one occasion an inexperienced young fellowwas called upon to make a speech at a banquet at which ex-speakerCannon was also present. 

"Gentlemen, " began the young fellow, "my opinion is that thegenerality of mankind in general is disposed to take advantage of thegenerality of--"

"Sit down, son, " interrupted "Uncle Joe. " "You are coming out of thesame hole you went in at. "

A South African tribe has an effective method of dealing with bores, which might be adopted by Western peoples. This simple tribe considerslong speeches injurious to the orator and his hearers; so to protectboth there is an unwritten law that every public orator must stand ononly one leg when he is addressing an audience. As soon as he has toplace the other leg on the ground his oration is brought to a close, by main force, if necessary. 

A rather turgid orator, noted for his verbosity and heaviness, wasonce assigned to do some campaigning in a mining camp in themountains. There were about fifty miners present when he began; butwhen, at the end of a couple of hours, he gave no sign of finishing, his listeners dropped away. 

Some went back to work, but the majority sought places to quench theirthirst, which had been aggravated by the dryness of the discourse. 

Finally there was only one auditor left, a dilapidated, weary-lookingold fellow. Fixing his gaze on him, the orator pulled out a largesix-shooter and laid it on the table. The old fellow rose slowly anddrawled out:

"Be you going to shoot if I go?"

"You bet I am, " replied the speaker. "I'm bound to finish my speech, even if I have to shoot to keep an audience. "

The old fellow sighed in a tired manner, and edged slowly away, sayingas he did so:

"Well, shoot if you want to. I may jest as well be shot as talked todeath. "

The self-made millionaire who had endowed the school had been invitedto make the opening speech at the commencement exercises. He had notoften had a chance of speaking before the public and he was resolvedto make the most of it. He dragged his address out most tiresomely, repeating the same thought over and over. Unable to stand it anylonger a couple of boys in the rear of the room slipped out. Acoachman who was waiting outside asked them if the millionaire hadfinished his speech. 

"Gee, yes!" replied the boys, "but he won't stop. "

Mark Twain once told this story:

"Some years ago in Hartford, we all went to church one hot, swelteringnight to hear the annual report of Mr. Hawley, a city missionary whowent around finding people who needed help and didn't want to ask forit. He told of the life in cellars, where poverty resided; he gaveinstances of the heroism and devotion of the poor. When a man withmillions gives, he said, we make a great deal of noise. It's a noisein the wrong place, for it's the widow's mite that counts. Well, Hawley worked me up to a great pitch. I could hardly wait for him toget through. I had $400 in my pocket. I wanted to give that and borrowmore to give. You could see greenbacks in every eye. But instead ofpassing the plate then, he kept on talking and talking and talking, and as he talked it grew hotter and hotter and hotter, and we grewsleepier and sleepier and sleepier. My enthusiasm went down, down, down, down--$100 at a clip--until finally, when the plate did comearound, I stole ten cents out of it. It all goes to show how a littlething like this can lead to crime. "

_See also_ After dinner speeches; Candidates; Politicians. 

PUNISHMENT

A parent who evidently disapproved of corporal punishment wrote theteacher:

 "Dear Miss: Don't hit our Johnnie. We never do it at home except in self-defense. "

"No, sirree!" ejaculated Bunkerton. "There wasn't any of that nonsensein my family. My father never thrashed me in all his life. "

"Too bad, too bad, " sighed Hickenlooper. "Another wreck due to amisplaced switch. "

James the Second, when Duke of York, made a visit to Milton, the poet, and asked him among other things, if he did not think the loss of hissight a judgment upon him for what he had writen against his father, Charles the First. Milton answered: "If your Highness think my loss ofsight a _judgment_ upon me, what do you think of your father's losinghis head. "--_Life_. 

A white man during reconstruction times was arraigned before a coloredjustice of the peace for killing a man and stealing his mule. It wasin Arkansas, near the Texas border, and there was some rivalry betweenthe states, but the colored justice tried to preserve an impartialframe of mind. 

"We's got two kinds ob law in dis yer co't, " he said: "Texas law an'Arkansas law. Which will you hab?"

The prisoner thought a minute and then guessed that he would take theArkansas law. 

"Den I discharge you fo' stealin' de mule, an' hang you fo' killin' deman. "

"Hold on a minute, Judge, " said the prisoner. "Better make that Texaslaw. "

"All right. Den I fin' you fo' killin' de man, an' hang you fo'stealin' de mule. "

A lawyer was defending a man accused of housebreaking, and said to thecourt:

"Your Honor, I submit that my client did not break into the house atall. He found the parlor window open and merely inserted his right armand removed a few trifling articles. Now, my client's arm is nothimself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual foran offense committed by only one of his limbs. "

"That argument, " said the judge, "is very well put. Following itlogically, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses. "

The defendant smiled, and with his lawyer's assistance unscrewed hiscork arm, and, leaving it in the dock, walked out. 

Muriel, a five-year-old subject of King George, has been thought byher parents too young to feel the weight of the rod, and has beenruled by moral suasion alone. But when, the other day, she achieveddisobedience three times in five minutes, more vigorous measures werecalled for, and her mother took an ivory paper-knife from the tableand struck her smartly across her little bare legs. Muriel lookedastounded. Her mother explained the reason for the blow. Murielthought deeply for a moment. Then, turning toward the door with agrave and disapproving countenance, she announced in her clear littleEnglish voice:

"I'm going up-stairs to tell God about that paper-knife. And then Ishall tell Jesus. And if _that_ doesn't do, I shall put flannel on mylegs!"

During the reconstruction days of Virginia, a negro was convicted ofmurdering his wife and sentenced to be hanged. On the morning of theexecution he mounted the scaffold with reasonable calmness. Justbefore the noose was to be placed around his neck the sheriff askedhim if he had anything to say. He studied a moment and said:

"No, suh, boss, thankee, suh, 'ceptin' dis is sho gwine to be a lessonto me. "

"What punishment did that defaulting banker get?" "I understand hislawyer charged him $40, 000. "

An Indian in Washington County once sized up Maine's game laws thus:"Kill cow moose, pay $100; kill man, too bad!"

TEACHER--"Willie, did your father cane you for what you did in schoolyesterday?"

PUPIL--"No, ma'am; he said the licking would hurt him more than itwould me. "

TEACHER--"What rot! Your father is too sympathetic. "

PUPIL--"No, ma'am; but he's got the rheumatism in both arms. "

"Boohoo! Boohoo!" wailed little Johnny. 

"Why, what's the matter, dear?" his mother asked comfortingly. 

"Boohoo--er--p-picture fell on papa's toes. "

"Well, dear, that's too bad, but you mustn't cry about it, you know. "

"I d-d-didn't. I laughed. Boohoo! Boohoo!"

The fact that corporal punishment is discouraged in the public schoolsof Chicago is what led Bobby's teacher to address this note to theboy's mother:

 DEAR MADAM:--I regret very much to have to tell you that your son, Robert, idles away his time, is disobedient, quarrelsome, and disturbs the pupils who are trying to study their lessons. He needs a good whipping and I strongly recommend that you give him one. 

 Yours truly, Miss Blank. 

To this Bobby's mother responded as follows:

 Dear Miss Blanks--Lick him yourself. I ain't mad at him. 

 Yours truly, Mrs. Dash. 

A little fellow who was being subjected to a whipping pinched hisfather under the knee. "Willie, you bad boy! How dare you do that?"asked the parent wrathfully. 

A pause. Then Willie answered between sobs: "Well, Father, who startedthis war, anyway?"

A little girl about three years old was sent upstairs and told to siton a certain chair that was in the corner of her room, as a punishmentfor something she had done but a few minutes before. 

Soon the silence was broken by the little one's question: "Mother, mayI come down now?"

"No, you sit right where you are. "

"All right, 'cause I'm sittin' on your best hat. "

It is less to suffer punishment than to deserve it. --_Ovid_. 

If Jupiter hurled his thunderbolt as often as men sinned, he wouldsoon be out of thunderbolts. --_Ovid_. 

_See also_ Church discipline; Future life; Marriage. 

PUNS

 A father once said to his son, "The next time you make up a pun, Go out in the yard And kick yourself hard, And I will begin when you've done. "

PURE FOOD

Into a general store of a town in Arkansas there recently came a darkycomplaining that a ham which he had purchased there was not good. 

"The ham is all right, Zeph, " insisted the storekeeper. 

"No, it ain't, boss, " insisted the negro. "Dat ham's shore bad. "

"How can that be, " continued the storekeeper, "when it was cured only aweek?"

The darky scratched his head reflectively, and finally suggested: "Den, mebbe it's had a relapse. "

On a recent trip to Germany, Doctor Harvey Wiley, the pure-food expert, heard an allegory with reference to the subject of food adulterationwhich, he contends, should cause Americans to congratulate themselvesthat things are so well ordered in this respect in the United States. 

The German allegory was substantially as follows:

Four flies, which had made their way into a certain pantry, determinedto have a feast. 

One flew to the sugar and ate heartily; but soon died, for the sugar wasfull of white lead. 

The second chose the flour as his diet, but he fared no better, for theflour was loaded with plaster of Paris. 

The third sampled the syrup, but his six legs were presently raised inthe air, for the syrup was colored with aniline dyes. 

The fourth fly, seeing all his friends dead, determined to end his lifealso, and drank deeply of the fly-poison which he found in a convenientsaucer. 

He is still alive and in good health. That, too, was adulterated. 

QUARRELS

"But why did you leave your last place?" the lady asked of the would-becook. 

"To tell the truth, mum, I just couldn't stand the way the master an'the missus used to quarrel, mum. "

"Dear me! Do you mean to say that they actually used to quarrel?"

"Yis, mum, all the time. When it wasn't me an' him, it was me an' her. "

"I hear ye had words with Casey. "

"We had no words. "

"Then nothing passed between ye?"

"Nothing but one brick. "

There had been a wordy falling-out between Mrs. Halloran and Mrs. Donohue; there had been words; nay, more, there had been language. Mrs. Halloran had gone to church early in the morning, had fulfilled theduties of her religion, and was returning primly home, when Mrs. Donohuespied her, and, still smouldering with volcanic fire, sent a broadsideof lava at Mrs. Halloran. The latter heard, flushed, opened herlips--and then suddenly checked herself. After a moment she spoke: "Mrs. Donohue, I've just been to church, and I'm in a state of grace. But, plaze Hivin, the next time I meet yez, I won't be, and thin I'll tillyez what I think of yez!"

A quarrel is quickly settled when deserted by one party: there is nobattle unless there be two. --_Seneca_. 

_See also_ Marriage; Servants

QUESTIONS

The more questions a woman asks the fewer answers sheremembers. --_Wasp_. 

It was a very hot day and the fat drummer who wanted the twelve-twentytrain got through the gate at just twelve-twenty-one. The ensuinghandicap was watched with absorbed interest both from the train and thestation platform. At its conclusion the breathless and perspiring knightof the road wearily took the back trail, and a vacant-faced "red-cap"came out to relieve him of his grip. 

"Mister, " he inquired, "was you tryin' to ketch that Pennsylvaniatrain?"

"No, my son, " replied the patient man. "No; I was merely chasing it outof the yard. "

A party of young men were camping, and to avert annoying questions theymade it a rule that the one who asked a question that he could notanswer himself had to do the cooking. 

One evening, while sitting around the fire, one of the boys asked: "Whyis it that a ground-squirrel never leaves any dirt at the mouth of itsburrow?"

They all guessed and missed. So he was asked to answer it himself. 

"Why, " he said, "because it always begins to dig at the other end of thehole. "

"But, " one asked, "how does it get to the other end of the hole?"

"Well, " was the reply, "that's your question. "

A browbeating lawyer was demanding that a witness answer a certainquestion either in the negative or affirmative. 

"I cannot do it, " said the witness. "There are some questions thatcannot be answered by a 'yes' or a 'no, ' as any one knows. "

"I defy you to give an example to the court, " thundered the lawyer. 

The retort came like a flash: "Are you still beating your wife?"

Officers have a right to ask questions in the performance of their duty, but there are occasions when it seems as if they might curtail or foregothe privilege. Not long ago an Irishman whose hand had been badlymangled in an accident entered the Boston City Hospital relief stationin a great hurry. He stepped up to the man in charge and inquired:

"Is this the relief station, sor?"

"Yes. What is your name?"

"Patrick O'Connor, sor. "

"Are you married?" questioned the officer. 

"Yis, sor, but is this the relief station?" He was nursing his hand inagony. 

"Of course it is. How many children have you?"

"Eight, sor. But sure, this is the relief station?"

"Yes, it is, " replied the officer, a little angry at the man'spersistence. 

"Well, " said Patrick, "sure, an' I was beginning to think that it mightbe the pumping station. "

 The sages say, Dame Truth delights to dwell (Strange Mansion!) in the bottom of a well: Questions are then the Windlass and the rope That pull the grave old Gentlewoman up. 

 --_John Wolcott_. 

_See also_ Curiosity. 

QUOTATIONS

Stanley Jordan, the well-known Episcopal minister, having cause to beanxious about his son's college examinations, told him to telegraph theresult. The boy sent the following message to his parent: "Hymn 342, fifth verse, last two lines. "

Looking it up the father found the words: "Sorrow vanquished, laborended, Jordan passed. "

RACE PREJUDICES

A negro preacher in a southern town was edified on one occasion by therecital of a dream had by a member of the church. 

"I was a-dreamin' all dis time, " said the narrator, "dat I was in oleSatan's dominions. I tell you, pahson, dat was shore a bad dream!"

"Was dere any white men dere?" asked the dusky divine. 

"Shore dere was--plenty of 'em, " the other hastened to assure hisminister "What was dey a-doin'?"

"Ebery one of 'em, " was the answer, "was a-holdin' a cullud pussonbetween him an' de fire!"

RACE PRIDE

Sam Jones, the evangelist, was leading a revival meeting in Huntsville, Texas, a number of years ago, and at the close of one of the services anold negro woman pushed her way up through the crowd to the edge of thepulpit platform. Sam took the perspiring black hand that was held out tohim, and heard the old woman say: "Brudder Jones, you sho' is a finepreacher! Yes, suh; de Lord bless you. You's des everybody's preacher. You's de white folks' preacher, and de niggers' preacher, andeverybody's preacher. Brudder Jones, yo' skin's white, but, thank deLord, yo' heart's des as black as any nigger's!"

An Irishman and a Jew were discussing the great men who had belonged toeach race and, as may be expected, got into a heated argument. Finallythe Irishman said:

"Ikey, listen. For ivery great Jew ye can name ye may pull out one of mewhiskers, an' for ivery great Irishman I can name I'll pull one ofyours. Is it a go?"

They consented, and Pat reached over, got hold of a whisker, said, "Robert Emmet, ' and pulled. 

"Moses!" said the Jew, and pulled one of Pat's tenderest. 

"Dan O'Connell, " said Pat and took another. 

"Abraham, " said Ikey, helping himself again. 

"Patrick Henry, " returned Pat with a vicious yank. 

"The Twelve Apostles, " said the Jew, taking a handful of whiskers. 

Pat emitted a roar of pain, grasped the Jew's beard with both hands, andyelled, "The ancient Order of Hibernians!"

RACE SUICIDE

"Prisoner, why did you assault this landlord?"

"Your Honor, because I have several children he refused to rent me aflat. "

"Well, that is his privilege. "

"But, your Honor, he calls his apartment house 'The Roosevelt. '"

RACES

In answer to the question, "What are the five great races of mankind?" aChinese student replied, "The 100 yards, the hurdles, the quartermile, the mile, and the three miles. "

"Now, Thomas, " said the foreman of the construction gang to a green handwho had just been put on the job, "keep your eyes open. When you see atrain coming throw down your tools and jump off the track. Run likeblazes. "

"Sure!" said Thomas, and began to swing his pick. In a few moments theEmpire State Express came whirling along. Thomas threw down his pick andstarted up the track ahead of the train as fast as he could run. Thetrain overtook him and tossed him into a ditch. Badly shaken up he wastaken to the hospital, where the foreman visited him. 

"You blithering idiot, " said the foreman, "didn't I tell you to get outof the road? Didn't I tell you to take care and get out of the way? Whydidn't you run up the side of the hill?"

"Up the soide of the hill is it, sor?" said Thomas through the bandageson his face. "Up the soide of the hill? Be the powers, I couldn't bateit on the level, let alone runnin' uphill!"

RAILROADS

"Talk 'bout railroads bein' a blessin', " said Brother Dickey, "des lookat de loads an' loads er watermelons deys haulin' out de state, ter demfolks 'way up North what never done nuthin' ter deserve sich adispensation!"

On one of the southern railroads there is a station-building that iscommonly known by travelers as the smallest railroad station in America. It is of this station that the story is told that an old farmer wasexpecting a chicken-house to arrive there, and he sent one of his hands, a new-comer, to fetch it. Arriving there the man saw the house, loadedit on to his wagon and started for home. On the way he met a man inuniform with the words "Station Agent" on his cap. 

"Say, hold on. What have you got on that wagon?" he asked. 

"My chicken-house, of course, " was the reply. 

"Chicken-house be jiggered!" exploded the official. "That's thestation!"

"I read of the terrible vengeance inflicted upon one of their members bya band of robbers in Mississippi last week. "

"What did they do? Shoot him?"

"No; they tied him upon the railroad tracks. "

"Awful! And he was ground to pieces, I suppose?"

"Nothing like it. The poor fellow starved to death waiting for the nexttrain. "--_W. Dayton Wegefarth_. 

The reporter who had accompanied the special train to the scene of thewreck, hurried down the embankment and found a man who had one arm in asling, a bandage over one eye, his front teeth gone, and his noseknocked four points to starboard, sitting on a piece of the locomotiveand surveying the horrible ruin all about him. 

"Can you give me some particulars of this accident?" asked the reporter, taking out his notebook. 

"I haven't heard of any accident, young man, " replied the disfiguredparty stiffly. 

He was one of the directors of the railroad. 

The Hon. John Sharp Williams had an engagement to speak in a smallsouthern town. The train he was traveling on was not of the swiftest, and he lost no opportunity of keeping the conductor informed as to hisopinions of that particular road. 

"Well, if yer don't like it, " the conductor finally blurted out, "why inthunder don't yer git out an' walk?"

"I would, " Mr. Williams blandly replied, "but you see the committeedoesn't expect me until this train gets in. "

"We were bounding along, " said a recent traveler on a local SouthAfrican single-line railway, "at the rate of about seven miles an hour, and the whole train was shaking terribly. I expected every moment to seemy bones protruding through my skin. Passengers were rolling from oneend of the car to the other. I held on firmly to the arms of the seat. Presently we settled down a bit quieter; at least, I could keep my haton, and my teeth didn't chatter. 

"There was a quiet looking man opposite me. I looked up with a ghastlysmile, wishing to appear cheerful, and said:

"'We are going a bit smoother, I see. '

"'Yes, ' he said, 'we're off the track now. '"

Three men were talking in rather a large way as to the excellent trainservice each had in his special locality: one was from the west, onefrom New England, and the other from New York. The former two had toldof marvelous doings of trains, and it is distinctly "up" to the man fromNew York. 

"Now in New York, " he said, "we not only run our trains fast, but wealso start them fast. I remember the case of a friend of mine whose wifewent to see him off for the west on the Pennsylvania at Jersey City. Asthe train was about to start my friend said his final good-by to hiswife, and leaned down from the car platform to kiss her. The trainstarted, and, would you believe it, my friend found himself kissing astrange woman on the platform at Trenton!"

And the other men gave it up. 

"Say, young man, " asked an old lady at the ticket-office, "what timedoes the next train pull in here and how long does it stay?"

"From two to two to two-two, " was the curt reply. 

"Well, I declare! Be you the whistle?"

An express on the Long Island Railroad was tearing away at a wild andawe-inspiring rate of six miles an hour, when all of a sudden it stoppedaltogether. Most of the passengers did not notice the difference; butone of them happened to be somewhat anxious to reach his destinationbefore old age claimed him for its own. He put his head through thewindow to find that the cause of the stop was a cow on the track. Aftera while they continued the journey for half an hour or so, andthen--another stop. 

"What's wrong now?" asked the impatient passenger of the conductor. 

"A cow on the track. "

"But I thought you drove it off. "

"So we did, " said the conductor, "but we caught up with it again. "

The president of one great southern railway pulled into a southern cityin his private car. It was also the terminal of a competing road, andthe private car of the president of the other line was on a side track. There was great rivalry between these two lines, which extended from thepresident of each down to the most humble employe. In the evening thecolored cook from one of the cars wandered over to pass the time of daywith the cook on the other car. 

One of these roads had recently had an appalling list of accidents, andthe death-toll was exceptionally high. The cook from this road saunteredup to the back platform of the private car, and after an interchange ofcourtesies said:

"Well, how am youh ole jerkwatah railroad these days? Am you habbingprosper's times?"

"Man, " said the other, "we-all am so prosperous that if we was any moahprosperous we just naturally couldn't stand hit. "

"Hough!" said the other, "we-all am moah prosperous than you-all. "

"Man, " said the other, "we dun carry moah'n a million passengers lastmonth. "

"Foah de Lord's sake!" ejaculated the first negro. "You-all carriedmoah'n a million passengers? Go on with you, nigger; we dun kill moahpassengers than you carry. "

It was on a little branch railway in a southern state that the NewEngland woman ventured to refer to the high rates. 

"It seems to me five cents a mile is extortion, " she said, withfrankness, to her southern cousin. 

"It's a big lot of money to pay if you think of it by the mile, " saidthe southerner, in her soft drawl; "but you just think how cheap it isby the hour, Cousin Annie--only about thirty-five cents. "--_Youth'sCompanion_. 

RAPID TRANSIT

One cold, wintry morning a man of tall and angular build was walkingdown a steep hill at a quick pace. A treacherous piece of ice under thesnow caused him to lose control of his feet; he began to slide and wasunable to stop. 

At a cross-street half-way down the decline he encountered a large, heavy woman, with her arms full of bundles. The meeting was sudden, andbefore either realized it a collision ensued and both were sliding downhill, a grand ensemble--the thin man underneath, the fat woman andbundles on top. When the bottom was reached and the woman was trying invain to recover her breath and her feet, these faint words were borne toher ear:

"Pardon me, madam, but you will have to get off here. This is as far asI go. "

READING

_See_ Books and Reading. 

REAL ESTATE AGENTS

Little Nelly told little Anita what she termed a "little fib. "

ANITA--"A fib is the same as a story, and a story is the same as a lie. "

NELLY--"No, it is not. "

ANITA--"Yes, it is, because my father said so, and my father is aprofessor at the university. "

NELLY--"I don't care if he is. My father is a real estate man, and heknows more about lying than your father does. "

REALISM

The storekeeper at Yount, Idaho, tells the following tale of Ole Olson, who later became the little town's mayor. 

"One night, just before closin' up time, Ole, hatless, coatless, andbreathless, come rushin' into the store, an' droppin' on his kneesyelled, 'Yon, Yon, hide me, hide me! Ye sheriff's after me!'

"'I've no place to hide you here, Ole, ' said I. 

"'You moost, you moost!' screamed Ole. 

"'Crawl into that gunny-sack then, ' said I. 

"He'd no more'n gotten hid when in runs the sheriff. 

"'Seen Ole?' said he. 

"'Don't see him here, ' said I, without lyin'. 

"Then the sheriff went a-nosin' round an' pretty soon he spotted thegunny-sack over in the corner. 

"'What's in here?' said he. 

"'Oh, just some old harness and sleigh-bells, ' said I. 

"With that he gives it an awful boot. 

"'Yingle, yingle, yingle!' moaned Ole. "

MOTHER--"Tommy, if you're pretending to be an automobile, I wish you'drun over to the store and get me some butter. "

TOMMY--"I'm awful sorry, Mother, but I'm all out of gasoline. "--_Judge_. 

"Children, " said the teacher, instructing the class in composition, "youshould not attempt any flights of fancy; simply be yourselves and writewhat is in you. Do not imitate any other person's writings or drawinspiration from outside sources. "

As a result of this advice Tommy Wise turned out the followingcomposition: "We should not attempt any flights of fancy, but write whatis in us. In me there is my stummick, lungs, hart, liver, two apples, one piece of pie, one stick of lemon candy and my dinner. "

"A great deal of fun has been poked at the realistic school of art, "says a New York artist, "and it must be confessed that some ground hasbeen given to the enemy. Why, there recently came to my notice apicture of an Assyrian bath, done by a Chicago man, and so careful washe of all the details that the towels hanging up were all marked'Nebuchadnezzar' in the corner, in cuneiform characters. "

RECALL

SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER--"Johnny, what is the text from Judges?"

JOHNNY-"I don't believe in recalling the judiciary, mum. "

"Senator, why don't you unpack your trunk? You'll be in Washington forsix years. "

"I don't know about that. My state has the recall. "

RECOMMENDATIONS

A firm of shady outside London brokers was prosecuted for swindling. Inacquitting them the court, with great severity, said:

"There is not sufficient evidence to convict you, but if anyone wishesto know my opinion of you I hope that they will refer to me. "

Next day the firm's advertisement appeared in every available mediumwith the following, well displayed: "Reference as to probity, by specialpermission, the Lord Chief Justice of England. "

MISTRESS--"Have you a reference?"

BRIDGET--"Foine; Oi held the poker over her till Oi got it. "

There is a story of a Scotch gentleman who had to dismiss his gardenerfor dishonesty. For the sake of the man's wife and family, however, hegave him a "character, " and framed it in this way: "I hereby certifythat A. B. Has been my gardener for over two years, and that during thattime he got more out of the garden than any man I ever employed. "

The buxom maid had been hinting that she did not think much of workingout, and this in conjunction with the nightly appearance of a rathersheepish young man caused her mistress much apprehension. 

"Martha, is it possible that you are thinking of getting married?"

"Yes'm, " admitted Martha, blushing. 

"Not that young fellow who has been calling on you lately?"

"Yes'm he's the one. "

"But you have only known him a few days. "

"Three weeks come Thursday, " corrected Martha. 

"Do you think that is long enough to know a man before taking such animportant step?"

"Well, " answered Martha with spirit, "'tain't 's if he was some newfeller. He's well recommended; a perfectly lovely girl I know wasengaged to him for a long while. "

An Englishman and an Irishman went to the captain of a ship bound forAmerica and asked permission to work their passage over. The captainconsented, but asked the Irishman for references and let the Englishmango on without them. This made the Irishman angry and he planned to geteven. 

One day when they were washing off the deck, the Englishman leaned farover the rail, dropped the bucket, and was just about to haul it up whena huge wave came and pulled him overboard. The Irishman stoppedscrubbing, went over to the rail and, seeing the Englishman haddisappeared, went to the Captain and said: "Perhaps yez remember whin Ishipped aboard this vessel ye asked me for riferences and let theEnglishman come on widout thim?"

The Captain said: "Yes, I remember. "

"Well, ye've been decaved, " said the Irishman; "he's gone off wid yerpail!"

RECONCILIATIONS

"Yes, I quarreled with my wife about nothing. "

"Why don't you make up?"

"I'm going to. All I'm worried about now is the indemnity. "

REFORMERS

LOUISE--"The man that Edith married is a reformer. "

JULIA--"How did he lose his money?"--_Judge_. 

He was earnestly but prosily orating at the audience. "I want landreform, " he wound up, "I want housing reform, I want educational reform, I want--"

And said a bored voice in the audience: "Chloroform. "

The young woman sat before her glass and gazed long and earnestly at thereflection there. She screwed up her face in many ways. She fluffed herhair and then smoothed it down again; she raised her eyes and loweredthem; she showed her teeth and she pressed her lips tightly together. Atlast she got up, with a weary sigh, and said:

"It's no use. I'll be some kind of reformer. "

REGRETS

A Newport man who was invited to a house party at Bar Harbor, telegraphed to the hostess: "Regret I can't come. Lie follows by post. "

After the death of Lord Houghton, there was found in his correspondencethe following reply to a dinner invitation: "Mrs. ---- presents hercompliments to Lord Houghton. Her husband died on Tuesday, otherwise hewould have been delighted to dine with Lord Houghton on Thursday next. "

A young woman prominent in the social set of an Ohio town tells of ayoung man there who had not familiarized himself with the forms ofpolite correspondence to the fullest extent. When, on one occasion, hefound it necessary to decline an invitation, he did so in the followingterms:

"Mr. Henry Blank declines with pleasure Mrs. Wood's invitation for thenineteenth, and thanks her extremely for having given him theopportunity of doing so. "

REHEARSALS

The funeral procession was moving along the village street when UncleAbe stepped out of a store. He hadn't heard the news. "Sho, " said UncleAbe, "who they buryin' today?"

"Pore old Tite Harrison, " said the storekeeper. 

"Sho, " said Uncle Abe. "Tite Harrison, hey? Is Tite dead?"

"You don't think we're rehearsin' with him, do you?" snapped thestorekeeper. 

RELATIVES

"It is hard, indeed, " said the melancholy gentleman, "to lose one'srelatives. "

"Hard?" snorted the gentleman of wealth. "Hard? It is impossible!"

RELIGIONS

When Bishop Phillips Brooks sailed from America on his last trip toEurope, a friend jokingly remarked that while abroad he might discoversome new religion to bring home with him. "But be careful of it, BishopBrooks, " remarked a listening friend; "it may be difficult to get yournew religion through the Custom House. "

"I guess not, " replied the Bishop, laughingly, "for we may take it forgranted that any new religion popular enough to import will have noduties attached to it. "

At a recent conference of Baptists, Methodists, and English Friends, inthe city of Chengtu, China, two Chinamen were heard discussing the threedenominations. One of them said to the other:

"They say these denominations have different beliefs. Just what is thedifference between them?"

"Oh, " said the other, "Not much! Big washee, little washee, no washee, that is all. "

A recent book on Russia relates the story of the anger of the ApostleJohn because a certain peasant burned no tapers to his ikon, buthonored, instead, the ikon of Apostle Peter in St. John's own church. The two apostles talked it over as they walked the fields near Kieff, and Apostle John decided to send a terrible storm to destroy the justripe corn of the peasant. His decision was carried out, and the next dayhe met Apostle Peter and boasted of his punishing wrath. 

And Apostle Peter only laughed. "Ai, yi, yi, Apostle John, " he said, "what a mess you've made of it. I stepped around, saw my friend, andtold him what you were going to do, so he sold his corn to the priest ofyour church. "

The priest of a New York parish met one of his parishioners, who hadlong been out of work, and asked him whether he had found anything todo. The man grinned with infinite satisfaction, and replied:

"Yiss indade, ycr Riverince, an' a foine job too! Oi'm gettin' threedollars a day fur pullin' down a Prodesant church!"

A man addicted to walking in his sleep went to bed all right one night, but when he awoke he found himself on the street in the grasp of apoliceman. "Hold on, " he cried, "you mustn't arrest me. I'm asomnambulist. " To which the policeman replied: "I don't care what yourreligion is--yer can't walk the streets in yer nightshirt. "

The friendship existing between Father Kelly and Rabbi Levi is proofagainst differences in race and religion. Each distinguished for hislearning, his eloquence and his wit; and they delight in chaffing eachother. They were seated opposite each other at a banquet where somedelicious roast ham was served and Father Kelly made comments upon itsflavor. Presently he leaned forward and in a voice that carried far, headdressed his friend:

"Rabbi Levi, when are you going to become liberal enough to eat ham?"

"At your wedding, Father Kelly, " retorted the rabbi. 

The broad-minded see the truth in different religions; the narrow-mindedsee only their differences. --_Chinese Proverb_. 

REMEDIES

MISTRESS--"Did the mustard plaster do you any good, Bridget?"

MAID--"Yes; but, begorry, mum, it do bite the tongue!"

SUFFERER--"I have a terrible toothache and want something to cure it. "

FRIEND--"Now, you don't need any medicine. I had a toothache yesterdayand I went home and my loving wife kissed me and so consoled me that thepain soon passed away. Why don't you try the same?"

SUFFERER--"I think I will. Is your wife at home now?"

 For every ill beneath the sun There is some remedy or none; If there be one, resolve to find it; If not, submit, and never mind it. 

REMINDERS

The wife of an overworked promoter said at breakfast:

"Will you post this letter for me, dear? It's to the furrier, countermanding my order for that $900 sable and ermine stole. You'll besure to remember?"

The tired eyes of the harassed, shabby promoter lit up with joy. Heseized a skipping rope that lay with a heap of dolls and toys in acorner, and going to his wife, he said:

"Here, tie my right hand to my left foot so I won't forget!"

REPARTEE

Repartee is saying on the instant what you didn't say until the nextmorning. 

Among the members of a working gang on a certain railroad was anIrishman who claimed to be very good at figures. The boss, thinking thathe would get ahead of Pat, said: "Say, Pat, how many shirts can you getout of a yard?"

"That depends, " answered Pat, "on whose yard you get into. "

A middle-aged farmer accosted a serious-faced youth outside the GrandCentral Station in New York the other day. 

"Young man, " he said, plucking his sleeve, "I wanter go to CentralPark. "

The youth seemed lost in consideration for a moment. 

"Well, " he said finally, "you may just this once. But I don't want youever, _ever_ to ask me again. "

SEEDY VISITOR--"Do you have many wrecks about here, boatman?"

BOATMAN--"Not very many, sir. You're the first I've seen this season. "

HER DAD--"No, sir; I won't have my daughter tied for life to a stupidfool. "

HER SUITOR--"Then don't you think you'd better let me take her off yourhands?"

Wendell Phillips was traveling through Ohio once when he fell in with acar full of ministers returning from a convention. One of the ministers, a southerner from Kentucky, was naturally not very cordial to theopinions of the great abolitionist and set out to embarrass Mr. Phillips. So, before the group of ministers, he said:

"You are Wendell Phillips, are you not?"

"Yes, " answered the great abolitionist. 

"And you are trying to free the niggers, aren't you?"

"Yes, sir; I am. "

"Well, why do you preach your doctrines up here? Why don't you go overinto Kentucky?"

"Excuse me, are you a preacher?"

"I am, sir. "

"Are you trying to save souls from hell?"

"Yes, sir; that is my business. "

"Well, why don't you go there then?" asked Mr. Phillips. 

SOLEMN SENIOR--"So your efforts to get on the team were fruitless, werethey?"

FOOLISH FRESHMAN--"Oh, no! Not at all. They gave me a lemon. "--_HarvardLampoon_. 

A benevolent person watched a workman laboriously windlassing rock froma shaft while the broiling sun was beating down on his bare head. 

"My dear man, " observed the onlooker, "are you not afraid that yourbrain will be affected in the hot sun?"

The laborer contemplated him for a moment and then replied:

"Do you think a man with any brains would be working at this kind of ajob?"

Winston Churchill, the young English statesman, recently began to raisea mustache, and while it was still in the budding stage he was asked ata dinner party to take in to dinner an English girl who had decidedopposing political views. 

"I am sorry, " said Mr. Churchill, "we cannot agree on politics. "

"No, we can't, " rejoined the girl, "for to be frank with you I like yourpolitics about as little as I do your mustache. "

"Well, " replied Mr. Churchill, "remember that you are not likely to comeinto contact with either. "

Strickland Gillilan, the lecturer and the man who pole-vaulted into fameby his "Off Ag'in, On Ag'in, Finnigin" verses, was about to deliver alecture in a small Missouri town. He asked the chairman of the committeewhether he might have a small pitcher of ice-water on the platformtable. 

"To drink?" queried the committeeman. 

"No, " answered Gillilan. "I do a high-diving act. "

TRAVELER--"Say, boy, your corn looks kind of yellow. "

BOY--"Yes, sir. That's the kind we planted. "

TRAVELER--"Looks as though you will only have half a crop. "

BOY--"Don't expect any more. The landlord gets the other half. "

TRAVELER (after a moment's thought)--"Say, there is not much differencebetween you and a fool. "

BOY--"No, sir. Only the fence. "

President Lincoln was busily engaged in his office when an attendant, ayoung man of sixteen, unceremoniously entered and gave him a card. Without rising, the President glanced at the card. "Pshaw. She hereagain? I told her last week that I could not interfere in her case. Icannot see her, " he said impatiently. "Get rid of her any way you can. Tell her I am asleep, or anything you like. "

Quickly returning to the lady in an adjacent room, this exceedinglybright boy said to her, "The President told me to tell you that he isasleep. "

The lady's eyes sparkled as she responded, "Ah, he says he is asleep, eh? Well, will you be kind enough to return and ask him when he intendsto wake up?"

The garrulous old lady in the stern of the boat had pestered the guidewith her comments and questions ever since they had started. Her meeklittle husband, who was hunched toad-like in the bow, fished in silence. The old lady had seemingly exhausted every possible point in fish andanimal life, woodcraft, and personal history when she suddenly espiedone of those curious paths of oily, unbroken water frequently seen onsmall lakes which are ruffled by a light breeze. 

"Oh, guide, guide, " she exclaimed, "what makes that funny streak in thewater--No, there--Right over there!"

The guide was busy re-baiting the old gentleman's hook and merelymumbled "U-m-mm. "

"Guide, " repeated the old lady in tones that were not to be denied, "look right over there where I'm pointing and tell me what makes thatfunny streak in the water. "

The guide looked up from his baiting with a sigh. 

"That? Oh, that's where the road went across the ice last winter. "

Nothing more clearly expresses the sentiments of Harvard men in seasonsof athletic rivalry than the time-honored "To hell with Yale!"

Once when Dean Briggs, of Harvard, and Edward Everett Hale were on theirway to a game at Soldiers' Field a friend asked:

"Where are you going, Dean?"

"To yell with Hale, " answered Briggs with a meaning smile. 

John Kendrick Bangs one day called up his wife on the telephone. Themaid at the other end did not recognize her "master's voice, " and afterBangs had told her whom he wanted the maid asked:

"Do you wish to speak with Mrs. Bangs?"

"No, indeed, " replied the humorist; "I want to kiss her. "

A boy took a position in an office where two different telephones wereinstalled. 

"Your wife would like to speak to you on the 'phone, sir, " he said tohis employer. 

"Which one?" inquired the boss, starting toward the two booths. 

"Please, sir, she didn't say, and I didn't know that you had more thanone. "

An Englishman was being shown the sights along the Potomac. "Here, "remarked the American, "is where George Washington threw a dollar acrossthe river. "

"Well, " replied the Englishman, "that is not very remarkable, for adollar went much further in those days than it does now. "

The American would not be worsted, so, after a short pause, he said:"But Washington accomplished a greater feat than that. He once chucked asovereign across the Atlantic. "

Pat was busy on a road working with his coat off. There were twoEnglishmen laboring on the same road, so they decided to have a jokewith the Irishman. They painted a donkey's head on the back of Pat'scoat, and watched to see him put it on. Pat, of course, saw the donkey'shead on his coat, and, turning to the Englishmen, said:

"Which of yez wiped your face on me coat?"

A district leader went to Sea Girt, in 1912, to see the Democraticcandidate for President. In the course of an animated conversation, theleader, noticing that Governor Wilson's eyeglasses were perchedperilously near the tip of his nose remarked: "Your glasses, Governor, are almost on your mouth. "

"That's all right, " was the quick response. "I want to see what I'mtalking about. "

According to the London _Globe_ two Germans were halted at the Frenchfrontier by the customs officers. "We have each to declare three bottlesof red wine, " said one of the Germans to the _douaniers_. "How much topay?"

"Where are the bottles?" asked the customs man. 

"They are within!" laughed the Teuton making a gesture. 

The French _douanier_, unruffled, took down his tariff book and read, orpretended to read: "Wines imported in bottles pay so much, winesimported in barrels pay so much, and wines _en peaux d'âne_ pay no duty. You can pass, gentlemen. "

A small boy was hoeing corn in a sterile field by the roadside, when apasser-by stopped and said:

"'Pears to me your corn is rather small. "

"Certainly, " said the boy; "it's dwarf corn. "

"But it looks yaller. "

"Certainly; we planted the yaller kind. "

"But it looks as if you wouldn't get more than half a crop. "

"Of course not; we planted it on halves. "

REPORTING

_See_ Journalism; Newspapers. 

REPUBLICAN PARTY

The morning after a banquet, during the Democratic convention inBaltimore, a prominent Republican thus greeted an equally well-knownDemocrat:

"I understand there were some Republicans at the banquet last night. "

"Oh, yes, " said the Democrat genially, "one waited on me. "

REPUTATION

Popularity is when people like you; and reputation is when they oughtto, but really can't. --_Frank Richardson_. 

RESEMBLANCES

Senator Blackburn is a thorough Kentuckian, and has all the local prideof one born in the blue-grass section of his State. He also has theprejudice against being taken for an Indianian which seems inherent inall native-born Kentuckians. While coming to Congress, several sessionsago, he was approached in the Pullman coach by a New Yorker, who, afterbowing politely to him, said:

"Is not this Senator Blackburn of Indiana?"

The Kentuckian sprang from his seat, and glaring at his interlocutorexclaimed angrily:

"No, sir, by ----. The reason I look so bad is I have been sick!"

"Every time the baby looks into my face he smiles, " said Mr. Meekins. 

"Well, " answered his wife, "it may not be exactly polite, but it showshe has a sense of humor. "

Mark Twain constantly received letters and photographs from men who hadbeen told that they looked like him. One was from Florida, and thelikeness, as shown by the man's picture, was really remarkable soremarkable, indeed, that Mr. Clemens sent the following acknowledgment:

 "My Dear Sir: I thank you very much for your letter and the photograph. In my opinion you are certainly more like me than any other of my doubles. In fact, I am sure that if you stood before me in a mirrorless frame I could shave by you. "

NEIGHBOR: "Johnny, I think in looks you favor your mother a great deal. "

JOHNNY: "Well. I may look like her, but do you tink dat's a favor?"

RESIGNATION

"Then you don't think I practice what I preach, eh?" queried theminister in talking with one of the deacons at a meeting. 

"No, sir, I don't, " replied the deacon "You've been preachin' on thesubject of resignation for two years an' ye haven't resigned yet. "

RESPECTABILITY

"Is he respectable?"'

"Eminently so. He's never been indicted for anything less than stealinga railroad. "--_Wasp_. 

REST CURE

A weather-beaten damsel somewhat over six feet in height and with a pairof shoulders proportionately broad appeared at a back door in Wyomingand asked for light housework. She said that her name was Lizzie, andexplained that she had been ill with typhoid and was convalescing. 

"Where did you come from, Lizzie?" inquired the woman of the house. "Where have you been?"

"I've been workin' out on Howell's ranch, " replied Lizzie, "diggin'post-holes while I was gittin' my strength back. "

RETALIATION

You know that fellow, Jim McGroiarty, the lad that's always comin' upand thumpin' ye on the chest and yellin', 'How are ye?'"

"I know him. "

"I'll bet he's smashed twinty cigars for me--some of them clearHavanny--but I'll get even with him now. "

"How will you do it?"

"I'll tell ye. Jim always hits me over the vest pocket where I carry mycigars. He'll hit me just once more. There's no cigar in me vest pocketthis mornin'. Instead of it, there's a stick of dynamite, d'ye mind!"

Once when Henry Ward Beecher was in the midst of an eloquent politicalspeech some wag in the audience crowed like a cock. It was done toperfection and the audience was convulsed with laughter. The greatorator's friends felt uneasy as to his reception of the interruption. 

But Mr. Beecher stood perfectly calm. He stopped speaking, listened tillthe crowing ceased, and while the audience was laughing he pulled outhis watch. Then he said: "That's strange. My watch says it is only teno'clock. But there can't be any mistake about it. It must be morning, for the instincts of the lower animals are absolutely infallible. "

An Episcopal clergyman, rector of a fashionable church in one ofBoston's most exclusive suburbs, so as not to be bothered with theinnumerable telephone calls that fall to one in his profession, had hisname left out of the telephone book. A prominent merchant of the samename, living in the same suburb, was continually annoyed by requests toofficiate at funerals and baptisms. He went to the rector, told histroubles in a kindly way, and asked the parson to have his name put inthe directory. But without success. 

The merchant then determined to complain to the telephone company. As hewas writing the letter, one Saturday evening, the telephone rang and thetimid voice of a young man asked if the Rev. Mr. Blank would marry himat once. A happy thought came to the merchant: "No, I'm too damn busywriting my sermon, " he replied. 

REVOLUTIONS

Haiti was in the midst of a revolution. 

As a phase of it two armed bodies were approaching each other so that athird was about to be caught between them. 

The commander of the third party saw the predicament. On the rightgovernment troops, on the left insurgents. 

"General, why do you not give the order to fire?" asked an aide, dashingup on a lame mule. 

"I would like to, " responded the general, "but, Great Scott! I can'tremember which side we're fighting for. "

REWARDS

 Said a great Congregational preacher To a hen, "You're a beautiful creature. " And the hen, just for that, Laid an egg in his hat, And thus did the Hen reward Beecher. 

RHEUMATISM

FARMER BARNES--"I've bought a barometer, Hannah, to tell when it's goingto rain, ye know. "

MRS. BARNES--"To tell when it's goin' to rain! Why, I never heard o'such extravagance. What do ye s'pose th' Lord has given ye th' rheumatisfor?"--_Tit-Bits_. 

ROADS

A Yankee just returning to the states was dining with an Englishman, andthe latter complained of the mud in America. 

"Yes, " said the American, "but it's nothing to the mud over here. "

"Nonsense!" said the Englishman. 

"Fact, " the American replied. "Why, this afternoon I had a remarkableadventure--came near getting into trouble with an old gentleman--allthrough your confounded mud. "

"Some of the streets are a little greasy at this season, I admit, " saidthe Englishman. "What was your adventure, though?"

"Well, " said the American, "as I was walking along I noticed that themud was very thick, and presently I saw a high hat afloat on a largepuddle of very rich ooze. Thinking to do some one a kindness, I gave thehat a poke with my stick, when an old gentleman looked up from beneath, surprised and frowning. 'Hello!' I said. 'You're in pretty deep!''Deeper than you think, ' he said. 'I'm on the top of an omnibus!'"

ROASTS

As William Faversham was having his luncheon in a Birmingham hotel hewas much annoyed by another visitor, who, during the whole of the meal, stood with his back to the fire warming himself and watching Favershameat. At length, unable to endure it any longer, Mr. Faversham rang thebell and said:

"Waiter, kindly turn that gentleman around. I think he is done on thatside. "

ROOSEVELT, THEODORE

A delegation from Kansas visited Theodore Roosevelt at Oyster Bay someyears ago, while he was president. The host met them with coat andcollar off, mopping his brow. 

"Ah, gentlemen, " he said, "dee-lighted to see you. Dee-lighted. But I'mvery busy putting in my hay just now. Come down to the barn with me andwe'll talk things over while I work. "

Down to the barn hustled President and delegation. 

Mr. Roosevelt seized a pitchfork and--but where was the hay?

"John!" shouted the President. "John! where's all the hay?"

"Sorry, sir, " came John's voice from the loft, "but I ain't had time tothrow it back since you threw it up for yesterday's delegation. "

SALARIES

A country school-teacher was cashing her monthly check at the bank. Theteller apologized for the filthy condition of the bills, saying, "I hopeyou're not afraid of microbes. "

"Not a bit of it, " the schoolma'am replied. "I'm sure no microbe couldlive on my salary!"--_Frances Kirkland_. 

SALESMEN AND SALESMANSHIP

A darky fruit-dealer in Georgia has a sign above his wares that reads:

 Watermelons

 Our choice 25 cents. 

 Your choice 35 cents. 

--_Elgin Burroughs_. 

The quick wit of a traveling salesman who has since become a well-knownmerchant was severely tested one day. He sent in his card by theoffice-boy to the manager of a large concern, whose inner office wasseparated from the waiting-room by a ground-glass partition. When theboy handed his card to the manager the salesman saw him impatiently tearit in half and throw it in the waste-basket; the boy came out and toldthe caller that he could not see the chief. The salesman told the boy togo back and get him his card; the boy brought out five cents, with themessage that his card was torn up. Then the salesman took out anothercard and sent the boy back, saying: "Tell your boss I sell two cards forfive cents. "

He got his interview and sold a large bill of goods. 

A young man entered a hat store and asked to see the latest styles inderbies. He was evidently hard to please, for soon the counter wascovered with hats that he had tried on and found wanting. At last thesalesman picked up a brown derby, brushed it off on his sleeve, andextended it admiringly. 

"These are being very much worn this season, sir, " he said. "Won't youtry it on?"

The customer put the hat on and surveyed himself critically in themirror. "You're sure it's in style?"

"The most fashionable thing we have in the shop, sir. And it suits youto perfection--if the fit's right. "

"Yes, it fits very well. So you think I had better have it?"

"I don't think you could do better. "

"No, I don't think I could. So I guess I won't buy a new one after all. "

The salesman had been boosting the customer's old hat, which had becomemixed among the many new ones. 

VISITOR--"Can I see that motorist who was brought here an hour ago?"

NURSE--"He hasn't come to his senses yet. "

VISITOR--"Oh, that's all right. I only want to sell him anothercar. "--_Judge_. 

"That fellow is too slick for me. Sold me a lot that was two feet underwater. I went around to demand my money back. "

"Get it?"

"Get nothing! Then he sold me a second-hand gasoline launch and a copyof 'Venetian Life, ' by W. D. Howells. "

In a small South Carolina town that was "finished" before the war, twomen were playing checkers in the back of a store. A traveling man whowas making his first trip to the town was watching the game, and, notbeing acquainted with the business methods of the citizens, he calledthe attention of the owner of the store to some customers who had justentered the front door. 

"Sh! Sh!" answered the storekeeper, making another move on thecheckerboard. "Keep perfectly quiet and they'll go out. "

 He who finds he has something to sell, And goes and whispers it down a well, Is not so apt to collar the dollars, As he who climbs a tree and hollers. 

 --_The Advertiser_

SALOONS

"Where can I get a drink in this town?" asked a traveling man who landedat a little town in the oil region of Oklahoma, of the 'bus driver. 

"See that millinery shop over there?" asked the driver, pointing to abuilding near the depot. 

"You don't mean to say they sell whiskey in a millinery store?"exclaimed the drummer. 

"No, I mean that's the only place here they don't sell it, " said the'bus man. 

SALVATION

WILLIS--"Some of these rich fellows seem to think that they can buytheir way into heaven by leaving a million dollars to a church when theydie. "

GILLIS--"I don't know but that they stand as much chance as some ofthese other rich fellows who are trying to get in on the instalment planof ten cents a Sunday while they're living. "--_Lauren S. Hamilton_. 

An Italian noble at church one day gave a priest who begged for thesouls in purgatory, a piece of gold. 

"Ah, my lord, " said the good father, "you have now delivered a soul. "

The count threw another piece upon the plate. 

"Here is another soul delivered, " said the priest. 

"Are you positive of it?" replied the count. 

"Yes, my lord, " replied the priest; "I am certain they are now inheaven. "

"Then, " said the count, "I'll take back my money, for it signifiesnothing to you now, seeing the souls have already got to heaven. "

An Episcopal missionary in Wyoming visited one of the outlying districtsin his territory for the purpose of conducting prayer in the home of alarge family not conspicuous for its piety. He made known his intentionsto the woman of the house, and she murmured vaguely that "she'd go outand see. " She was long in returning, and after a tiresome wait themissionary went to the door and called with some impatience:

"Aren't you coming in? Don't you care anything about your souls?"

"Souls?" yelled the head of the family from the orchard. "We haven't gottime to fool with our souls when the bees are swarmin'. "

Edith was light-hearted and merry over everything. Nothing appealed toher seriously. So, one day, her mother decided to invite a very seriousyoung parson to dinner, and he was placed next the light-hearted girl. Everything went well until she asked him:

"You speak of everybody having a mission. What is yours?"

"My mission, " said the parson, "is to save young men. "

"Good, " replied the girl, "I'm glad to meet you. I wish you'd save onefor me. "

SAVING

Take care of the pennies and the dollars will be blown in by yourheirs. --_Puck_. 

"Do you save up money for a rainy day, dear?"

"Oh, no! I never shop when it rains. "

JOHNNY--"Papa, would you be glad if I saved a dollar for you?"

PAPA--"Certainly, my son. "

JOHNNY--"Well, I saved it for you, all right. You said if I brought afirst-class report from my teacher this week you would give me a dollar, and I didn't bring it. "

According to the following story, economy has its pains as well as itspleasures, even after the saving is done. 

One spring, for some reason, old Eli was going round town with the faceof dissatisfaction, and, when questioned, poured forth his voluble taleof woe thus:

"Marse Geo'ge, he come to me last fall an' he say, 'Eli, dis gwine terbe a hard winter, so yo' be keerful, an' save yo' wages fas' an' tight. '

"An' I b'lieve Marse Geo'ge, yas, sah, I b'lieve him, an' I save an' Isave, an' when de winter come it ain't got no hardship, an' dere was Iwid all dat money jes' frown on mah hands!"

"Robert dear, " said the coy little maiden to her sweetheart, "I'm sureyou love me; but give me some proof of it, darling. We can't marry onfifteen dollars a week, you know. "

"Well, what do you want me to do?" said he, with a grieved air. 

"Why, save up a thousand dollars, and have it safe in the bank, and thenI'll marry you. "

About two months later she cuddled up close to him on the sofa oneevening, and said:

"Robert dear, have you saved up that thousand yet?"

"Why, no, my love, " he replied; "not all of it. "

"How much have you saved, darling?"

"Just two dollars and thirty-five cents, dear. "

"Oh, well, " said the sweet young thing as she snuggled a little closer, "don't let's wait any longer, darling. I guess that'll do. "--_R. M. Winans_. 

_See_ also Economy; Thrift. 

SCANDAL

An ill wind that blows nobody good. 

SCHOLARSHIP

There is in Washington an old "grouch' whose son was graduated fromYale. When the young man came home at the end of his first term, heexulted in the fact that he stood next to the head of his class. But theold gentleman was not satisfied. 

"_Next_ to the head!" he exclaimed. "What do you mean? I'd like to knowwhat you think I'm sending you to college for? _Next_ to the head! Whyaren't you at the head, where you ought to be?"

At this the son was much crestfallen; but upon his return, he went abouthis work with such ambition that at the end of the term he found himselfin the coveted place. When he went home that year he felt very proud. Itwould be great news for the old man. 

When the announcement was made, the father contemplated his son for afew minutes in silence; then, with a shrug, he remarked:

"At the head of the class, eh? Well, that's a fine commentary on YaleUniversity!"--_Howard Morse_. 

"Well, there were only three boys in school to-day who could answer onequestion that the teacher asked us, " said a proud boy of eight. 

"And I hope my boy was one of the three, " said the proud mother. 

"Well, I was, " answered Young Hopeful, "and Sam Harris and Harry Stonewere the other two. "

"I am very glad you proved yourself so good a scholar, my son; it makesyour mother proud of you. What question did the teacher ask, Johnnie?"

"'Who broke the glass in the back window?'"

Sammy's mother was greatly distressed because he had such poor marks inhis school work. She scolded, coaxed, even promised him a dime if hewould do better. The next day he came running home. 

"Oh, mother, " he shouted, "I got a hundred!"

"And what did you get a hundred in?"

"In two things, " replied Sammy without hesitation. "I got forty inreadin' and sixty in spellin'. "

Who ceases to be a student has never been one. --_George Iles_. 

_See also_ College students. 

SCHOOLS

"Mamma, " complained little Elsie, "I don't feel very well. " "That's toobad, dear, " said mother sympathetically. "Where do you feel worst?"

"In school, mamma. "

SCIENTIFIC MANAGEMENT

The late Sylvanus Miller, civil engineer, who was engaged in railroadenterprise in Central America, was seeking local support for a road andattempted to give the matter point. He asked a native:

"How long does it take you to carry your goods to market by muleback?"

"Three days, " was the reply. 

"There's the point, " said Miller. "With our road in operation you couldtake your goods to market and be back home in one day. "

"Very good, senor, " answered the native. "But what would we do with theother two days?"

A visitor from New York to the suburbs said to his host during theafternoon:

"By the way, your front gate needs repairing. It was all I could do toget it open. You ought to have it trimmed or greased or something. "

"Oh, no, " replied the owner "Oh, no, that's all right. "

"Why is it?" asked the visitor. 

"Because, " was the reply, "every one who comes through that gate pumpstwo buckets of water into the tank on the roof. "

SCOTCH, THE

A Scotsman is one who prays on his knees on Sunday and preys on hisneighbors on week days. 

It being the southerner's turn, he told about a county in Missouri sodivided in sentiment that year after year the vote of a single manprohibits the sale of liquor there. "And what, " he asked, "do yousuppose is the name of the chap who keeps a whole county dry?"

Nobody had an idea. 

"Mackintosh, as I'm alive!" declared the southerner. 

Everybody laughed except the Englishman. "It's just like a Scotsman tobe so obstinate!" he sniffed, and was much astonished when the rest ofthe party laughed more than ever. 

A Scottish minister, taking his walk early in the morning, found one ofhis parishioners recumbent in a ditch. 

"Where hae you been the nicht, Andrew?" asked the minister. 

"Weel, I dinna richtly ken, " answered the prostrate one, "whether it wasa wedding' or a funeral, but whichever it was it was a mostextraordinary success. "

_See also_ Thrift. 

SEASICKNESS

A Philadelphian, on his way to Europe, was experiencing seasickness forthe first time. Calling his wife to his bedside, he said in a weakvoice: "Jennie, my will is in the Commercial Trust Company's care. Everything is left to you, dear. My various stocks you will find in mysafe-deposit box. " Then he said fervently: "And, Jenny, bury me on theother side. I can't stand this trip again, alive or dead. "--_Joe King_. 

Motto for the dining saloon of an ocean steamship: "Man wants but littlehere below, nor wants that little long. "

On the steamer the little bride was very much concerned about herhusband, who was troubled with dyspepsia. 

"My husband is peculiarly liable to seasickness, Captain, " remarked thebride. "Could you tell him what to do in case of an attack?"

"That won't be necessary, Madam, " replied the Captain; "he'll do it. "

A clergyman who was holding a children's service at a Continental winterresort had occasion to catechize his hearers on the parable, of theunjust steward. "What is a steward?" he asked. 

A little boy who had arrived from England a few days before held up hishand. "He is a man, sir, " he replied, with a reminiscent look on hisface, "who brings you a basin. "

"The first day out was perfectly lovely, " said the young lady just backfrom abroad. "The water was as smooth as glass, and it was simplygorgeous. But the second day was rough and--er--decidedly disgorgeous. "

The great ocean liner rolled and pitched. 

"Henry, " faltered the young bride, "do you still love me?"

"More than ever, darling!" was Henry's fervent answer. 

Then there was an eloquent silence. 

"Henry, " she gasped, turning her pale, ghastly face away, "I thoughtthat would make me feel better, but it doesn't!"

 There was a young man from Ostend, Who vowed he'd hold out to the end; But when half way over From Calais to Dover, He did what he didn't intend. 

SEASONS

 There was a young fellow named Hall, Who fell in the spring in the fall; 'Twould have been a sad thing If he'd died in the spring, But he didn't--he died in the fall. 

SENATORS

A Senator is very often a man who has risen from obscurity to somethingworse. 

"You have been conspicuous in the halls of legislation, have you not?"said the young woman who asks all sorts of questions. 

"Yes, miss, " answered Senator Sorghum, blandly; "I think I haveparticipated in some of the richest hauls that legislation ever made. "

An aviator alighted on a field and said to a rather well-dressedindividual: "Here, mind my machine a minute, will you?"

"What?" the well-dressed individual snarled. "Me mind your machine? Why, I'm a United States Senator!"

"Well, what of it?" said the aviator. "I'll trust you. "

SENSE OF HUMOR

 "What of his sense of humor?" "Well, he has to see a joke twice before he sees it once. "

 --_Richard Kirk_. 

"A sense of humor is a help and a blessing through life, " says RearAdmiral Buhler. "But even a sense of humor may exist in excess. I havein mind the case of a British soldier who was sentenced to be flogged. During the flogging he laughed continually. The harder the lash was laidon, the harder the soldier laughed. 

"'Wot's so funny about bein' flogged?' demanded the sergeant. 

"'Why, ' the soldier chuckled, 'I'm the wrong man. '"

Mark Twain once approached a friend, a business man, and confided to himthat he needed the assistance of a stenographer. 

"I can send you one, a fine young fellow, " the friend said, "He came tomy office yesterday in search of a position, but I didn't have anopening. "

"Has he a sense of humor?" Mark asked cautiously. 

"A sense of humor? He has--in fact, he got off one or two pretty wittythings himself yesterday, " the friend hastened to assure him. 

"Sorry, but he won't do, then, " Mark said. 

"Won't do? Why?"

"No, " said Mark. "I had one once before with a sense of humor, and itinterfered too much with the work. I cannot afford to pay a man twodollars a day for laughing. "

The perception of the ludicrous is a pledge of sanity. --_Emerson_. 

SENTRIES

_See_ Armies. 

SERMONS

_See_ Preaching. 

SERVANTS

TOMMY--"Pop, what is it that the Bible says is here to-day and goneto-morrow?"

POP--"Probably the cook, my son. "

As usual, they began discussing the play after the theater. "Well, howdid you like the piece, my dear?" asked the fond husband who had alwaysfound his wife a good critic. 

"Very much. There's only one improbable thing in it: the second acttakes place two years after the first, and they have the same servant. "

SMITH--"We are certainly in luck with our new cook--soup, meat, vegetables and dessert, everything perfect!"

MRS. S. --"Yes, but the dessert was made by her successor. "

THE NEW GIRL--"An' may me intended visit me every Sunday afternoon, ma'am?"

MISTRESS--"Who is your intended, Delia?"

THE NEW GIRL--"I don't know yet, ma'am. I'm a stranger in town. "

"And do you have to be called in the morning?" asked the lady who wasabout to engage a new girl. 

"I don't has to be, mum, " replied the applicant, "unless you happens toneed me. "

A maid dropped and broke a beautiful platter at a dinner recently. Thehost did not permit a trifle like this to ruffle him in the least. 

"These little accidents happen 'most every day, " he said apologetically. "You see, she isn't a trained waitress. She was a dairymaid originally, but she had to abandon that occupation on account of her inability tohandle the cows without breaking their horns. "

Young housewives obliged to practice strict economy will sympathize withthe sad experience of a Washington woman. 

When her husband returned home one evening he found her dissolved intears, and careful questioning elicited the reason for her grief. 

"Dan, " said she, "every day this week I have stopped to look at aperfect love of a hat in Mme. Louise's window. Such a hat, Dan, such abeautiful hat! But the price--well, I wanted it the worst way, but justcouldn't afford to buy it. "

"Well, dear, " began the husband recklessly, "we might manage to--"

"Thank you, Dan, " interrupted the wife, "but there isn't any 'might'about it. I paid the cook this noon, and what do you think? She marchedright down herself and bought that hat!"--_Edwin Tarrisse_. 

It is probable that many queens of the kitchen share the sentimentgood-naturedly expressed by a Scandinavian servant, recently taken intothe service of a young matron of Chicago. 

The youthful assumer of household cares was disposed to be a triflepatronizing. 

"Now, Lena, " she asked earnestly, "are you a _good_ cook?"

"Ya-as, 'm, I tank so, " said the girl, with perfect naiveté, "if youvill not try to help me. "--_Elgin Burroughs_. 

"Have you a good cook now?"

"I don't know. I haven't been home since breakfast!"

MRS. LITTLETOWN--"This magazine looks rather the worse for wear. "

MRS. NEARTOWN--"Yes, it's the one I sometimes lend to the servant onSundays. "

MRS. LITTLETOWN--"Doesn't she get tired of always reading the same one?"

MRS. NEARTOWN--"Oh, no. You see, it's the same book, but it's always adifferent servant. "--_Suburban Life_. 

MRS. HOUSEN HOHM--"What is your name?"

APPLICANT FOR COOKSHIP--"Miss Arlington. "

MRS. HOUSEN HOHM--"Do you expect to be called Miss Arlington?"

APPLICANT---"No, ma'am; not if you have an alarm clock in my room. "

MISTRESS--"Nora, I saw a policeman in the park to-day kiss a baby. Ihope you will remember my objection to such things. "

NORA--"Sure, ma'am, no policeman would ever think iv kissin' yer babywhin I'm around. "

_See also_ Gratitude; Recommendations. 

SHOPPING

CLERK--"Can you let me off to-morrow afternoon? My wife wants me to goshopping with her. "

EMPLOYER--"Certainly not. We are much too busy. "

CLERK--"Thank you very much, sir. You are very kind!"

SHYNESS

The late "lan Maclaren" (Dr. John Watson) once told this story onhimself to some friends:

"I was coming over on the steamer to America, when one day I went intothe library to do some literary work. I was very busy and looked so, Isuppose. I had no sooner started to write than a diffident-looking youngman plumped into the chair opposite me, began twirling his cap andstared at me. I let him sit there. An hour or more passed, and he wasstill there, returning my occasional and discouraging glances at himwith a foolish, ingratiating smile. I was inclined to be annoyed. I hada suspicion that he was a reader of my books, perhaps an admirer--or anautograph-hunter. He could wait. But at last he rose, and still twirlinghis cap, he spoke:

"'Excuse me, Doctor Watson; I'm getting deathly sick in here and I'mreal sorry to disturb you, but I thought you'd like to know that just assoon as you left her Mrs. Watson fell down the companionway stairs, andI guess she hurt herself pretty badly. '"

SIGNS

When the late Senator Wolcott first went to Colorado he and his brotheropened a law office at Idaho Springs under the firm name of "Ed. Wolcott& Bro. " Later the partnership was dissolved. The future senator packedhis few assets, including the sign that had hung outside of his office, upon a burro and started for Georgetown, a mining town farther up in thehills. Upon his arrival he was greeted by a crowd of miners whocritically surveyed him and his outfit. One of them, looking first atthe sign that hung over the pack, then at Wolcott, and finally at thedonkey, ventured:

"Say, stranger, which of you is Ed?"

"Buck" Kilgore, of Texas, who once kicked open the door of the House ofRepresentatives when Speaker Reed had all doors locked to prevent theminority from leaving the floor and thus escaping a vote, was noted forhis indifference to forms and rules. Speaker Reed, annoyed by membersbringing lighted cigars upon the floor of the House just before openingtime, had signs conspicuously posted as follows: "No smoking on thefloor of the House. " One day just before convening the House his eagleeye detected Kilgore nonchalantly puffing away at a fat cigar. Calling apage, he told him to give his compliments to the gentleman from Texasand ask him if he had not seen the signs. After a while the pagereturned and seated himself without reporting to the Speaker, and Mr. Reed was irritated to see the gentleman from Texas continue his smoke. With a frown he summoned the page and asked:

"Did you tell the gentleman from Texas what I said?"

"I did, " replied the page. 

"What did he say?" asked Reed. 

"Well--er, " stammered the page, "he said to give his compliments to youand tell you he did not believe in signs. "

SILENCE

A conversation with an Englishman. --_Heine_. 

BALL-"What is silence?"

HALL-"The college yell of the school of experience. "

The other day upon the links a distinguished clergyman was playing aclosely contested game of golf. He carefully teed up his ball andaddressed it with the most aproved grace; he raised his driver and hitthe ball a tremendous clip, but instead of soaring into the azure itperversely went about twelve feet to the right and then buzzed around ina circle. The clerical gentleman frowned, scowled, pursed up his mouthand bit his lips, but said nothing, and a friend who stood by him said:"Doctor, that is the most profane silence I ever witnessed. "

SIN

 Man-like is it to fall into sin, Fiend-like is it to dwell therein, Christ-like is it for sin to grieve, God-like is it all sin to leave. 

 --_Friedrich von Logan_. 

"Now, " said the clergyman to the Sunday-school class, "can any of youtell me what are sins of omission?"

"Yes, sir, " said the small boy. "They are the sins we ought to have doneand haven't. "

SINGERS

As the celebrated soprano began to sing, little Johnnie became greatlyexercised over the gesticulations of the orchestra conductor. 

"What's that man shaking his stick at her for?" he demanded indignantly. 

"Sh-h! He's not shaking his stick at her. "

But Johnny was not convinced. 

"Then what in thunder's she hollering for?"

A visiting clergyman was occupying a pulpit in St. Louis one Sunday whenit was the turn of the bass to sing a solo, which he did very badly, tothe annoyance of the preacher, a lover of music. When the singer fellback in his seat, red of face and exhausted, the clergyman arose, placedhis hands on the unopened Bible, deliberately surveyed the faces of thecongregation, and announced the text:

"And the wind ceased and there was a great calm. "

It wasn't the text he had chosen, but it fitted his sermon as well asthe occasion. 

One cold, wet, and windy night he came upon a negro shivering in thedoorway of an Atlanta store. Wondering what the darky could be doing, standing on a cold, wet night in such a draughty position, theproprietor of the shop said:

"Jim, what are you doing here?"

"'Sense me, sir, " said Jim, "but I'm gwine to sing bass tomorrow mornin'at church, an' I am tryin' to ketch a cold. "--_Howard Morse_. 

"The man who sings all day at work is a happy man. "

"Yes, but how about the man who works and has to listen to him?" MissJeanette Gilder was one of the ardent enthusiasts at the debut ofTetrazzini. After the first act she rushed to the back of the house togreet one of her friends. "Don't you think she is a wonder?" she askedexcitedly. 

"She is a great singer unquestionably, " responded her more phlegmaticfriend, "but the registers of her voice are not so even as, forinstance, Melba's. "

"Oh, bother Melba, " said Miss Gilder. "Tetrazzini gives infinitely moreheat from her registers. "

At a certain Scottish dinner it was found that every one had contributedto the evening's entertainment but a certain Doctor MacDonald. 

"Come, come, Doctor MacDonald, " said the chairman, "we cannot let youescape. "

The doctor protested that he could not sing. 

"My voice is altogether unmusical, and resembles the sound caused by theact of rubbing a brick along the panels of a door. "

The company attributed this to the doctor's modesty. Good singers, hewas reminded, always needed a lot of pressing. 

"Very well, " said the doctor, "if you can stand it I will sing. "

Long before he had finished his audience was uneasy. 

There was a painful silence as the doctor sat down, broken at length bythe voice of a braw Scot at the end of the table. 

"Mon, " he exclaimed, "your singin's no up to much, but your veracity'sjust awful. You're richt aboot that brick. "

 She smiles, my darling smiles, and all The world is filled with light; She laughs--'tis like the bird's sweet call, In meadows fair and bright. She weeps--the world is cold and gray, Rain-clouds shut out the view; She sings--I softly steal away And wait till she gets through. 

 God sent his singers upon earth With songs of gladness and of mirth, That they might touch the hearts of men, And bring them back to heaven again. 

 --_Longfellow_. 

SKATING

A young lady entered a crowded car with a pair of skates slung over herarm. An elderly gentleman arose to give her his seat. 

"Thank you very much, sir, " she said, "but I've been skating allafternoon, and I'm tired of sitting down. "

SKY-SCRAPERS

_See_ Buildings. 

SLEEP

Recently a friend who had heard that I sometimes suffer from insomniatold me of a sure cure. "Eat a pint of peanuts and drink two or threeglasses of milk before going to bed, " said he, "and I'll warrant you'llbe asleep within half an hour. " I did as he suggested, and now for thebenefit of others who may be afflicted with insomnia, I feel it my dutyto report what happened, so far as I am able to recall the details. 

First, let me say my friend was right. I did go to sleep very soon aftermy retirement. Then a friend with his head under his arm came along andasked me if I wanted to buy his feet. I was negotiating with him, whenthe dragon on which I was riding slipped out of his skin and left mefloating in mid-air. While I was considering how I should get down, abull with two heads peered over the edge of the wall and said he wouldhaul me up if I would first climb up and rig a windlass for him. So as Iwas sliding down the mountainside the brakeman came in, and I asked himwhen the train would reach my station. 

"We passed your station four hundred years ago, " he said, calmly foldingthe train up and slipping it into his vest pocket. 

At this juncture the clown bounded into the ring and pulled thecenter-pole out of the ground, lifting the tent and all the people in itup, up, while I stood on the earth below watching myself go out of sightamong the clouds above. Then I awoke, and found I had been asleep almostten minutes. --_The Good Health Clinic_. 

SMILES

 There was a young lady of Niger, Who went for a ride on a tiger; They returned from the ride With the lady inside, And a smile on the face of the tiger. 

 --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_. 

SMOKING

A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke. --_RudyardKipling_. 

AUNT MARY--(horrified) "Good gracious. Harold, what would your mothersay if she saw you smoking cigarets?" HAROLD (calmly)--"She'd have afit. They're her cigarets. "

An Irish soldier on sentry duty had orders to allow no one to smoke nearhis post. An officer with a lighted cigar approached whereupon Patboldly challenged him and ordered him to put it out at once. 

The officer with a gesture of disgust threw away his cigar, but nosooner was his back turned than Pat picked it up and quietly retired tothe sentry box. 

The officer happening to look around, observed a beautiful cloud ofsmoke issuing from the box. He at once challenged Pat for smoking onduty. 

"Smoking, is it, sor? Bedad, and I'm only keeping it lit to show thecorporal when he comes as evidence agin you. "

SNEEZING

While campaigning in Iowa Speaker Cannon was once inveigled intovisiting the public schools of a town where he was billed to speak. Inone of the lower grades an ambitious teacher called upon a youthfulDemosthenes to entertain the distinguished visitor with an exhibition ofamateur oratory. The selection attempted was Byron's "Battle ofWaterloo, " and just as the boy reached the end of the first paragraphSpeaker Cannon gave vent to a violent sneeze. "But, hush! hark!"declaimed the youngster; "a deep sound strikes like a rising knell! Didye not hear it?"

The visitors smiled and a moment later the second sneeze--which theSpeaker was vainly trying to hold back--came with increased violence. 

"But, hark!" bawled the boy, "that heavy sound breaks in once more, andnearer, clearer, deadlier than before! Arm! arm! it is--it is--thecannon's opening roar!"

This was too much, and the laugh that broke from the party swelled to aroar when "Uncle Joe" chuckled: "Put up yout weapons, children; I won'tshoot any more. "

SNOBBERY

Snobbery is the pride of those who are not sure of their position. 

SNORING

Snore--An unfavorable report from headquarters. --_Foolish Dictionary_. 

SOCIALISTS

Among the stories told of the late Baron de Rothschild is one whichdetails how a "change of heart" once came to his valet--an excellentfellow, albeit a violent "red. "

Alphonse was as good a servant as one would wish to employ, and as hissocialism never got farther than attending a weekly meeting, the baronnever objected to his political faith. After a few months of thesepermissions to absent himself from duty, his employer noticed one weekthat he did not ask to go. The baron thought Alphonse might haveforgotten the night, but when the next week he stayed at home, heinquired what was up. 

"Sir, " said the valet, with the utmost dignity, "some of my formercolleagues have worked out a calculation that if all the wealth inFrance were divided equally per capita, each individual would be thepossessor of two thousand francs. "

Then he stopped as if that told the whole story, so said the baron, "What of that?"

"Sir, " came back from the enlightened Alphonse, "I have five thousandfrancs now. "--_Warwick James Price_. 

SOCIETY

Smart Society is made up of the worldly, the fleshy, and thedevilish. --_Harold Melbourne_. 

"What are her days at home?"

"Oh, a society leader has no days at home anymore. Nowadays she has hertelephone hours. "

Society consists of two classes, the upper and the lower. The lattercultivates the dignity of labor, the former the labor ofdignity. --_Punch_. 

 There was a young person called Smarty, Who sent out his cards for a party; So exclusive and few Were the friends that he knew That no one was present but Smarty. 

SOLECISMS

A New York firm recently hung the following sign at the entrance of alarge building: "Wanted: Sixty girls to sew buttons on the sixth floor. "

Reporters are obliged to write their descriptions of accidents hastilyand often from meager data, and in the attempt to make them vivid theysometimes make them ridiculous; for example, a New York City paper a fewdays ago, in describing a collision between a train and a motor bus, said: "The train, too, was filled with passengers. Their shrieks mingledwith the _cries of the dead_ and the dying of the bus!"

SONS

"I thought your father looked very handsome with his gray hairs. "

"Yes, dear old chap. I gave him those. "

SOUVENIRS

"A friend of mine, traveling in Ireland, stopped for a drink of milk ata white cottage with a thatched roof, and, as he sipped his refreshment, he noted, on a center table under a glass dome, a brick with a fadedrose upon the top of it. 

"'Why do you cherish in this way, ' my friend said to his host, 'thatcommon brick and that dead rose?'

"'Shure, sir, ' was the reply, 'there's certain memories attachin' tothem. Do ye see this big dent in my head? Well, it was made by thatbrick. '

"'But the rose?' said my friend. 

His host smiled quietly. "'The rose, ' he explained, 'is off the grave ofthe man that threw the brick. '"

SPECULATION

There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: whenhe can't afford it, and when he can. --_Mark Twain_. 

SPEED

"I always said old Cornelius Husk was slow, " said one Quag man toanother. 

"Why, what's he been doin' now?" the other asked. 

"Got himself run over by a hearse!"

"So you heard the bullet whiz past you?" asked the lawyer of the darky. 

"Yes, sah, heard it twict. "

"How's that?"

"Heard it whiz when it passed me, and heard it again when I passed it. "

A near race riot happened in a southern town. The negroes gathered inone crowd and the whites in another. The whites fired their revolversinto the air, and the negroes took to their heels. Next day a plantationowner said to one of his men: "Sam, were you in that crowd that gatheredlast night?" "Yassir. " "Did you run like the wind, Sam?" "No, sir. Ididn't run like the wind, 'deed I didn't. But I passed two niggers thatwas running like the wind. "

A guest in a Cincinnati hotel was shot and killed. The negro porter whoheard the shooting was a witness at the trial. 

"How many shots did you hear?" asked the lawyer. 

"Two shots, sah, " he replied. 

"How far apart were they?"

'"Bout like dis way, " explained the negro, clapping his hands with aninterval of about a second between claps. 

"Where were you when the first shot was fired?"

"Shinin' a gemman's shoe in the basement of de hotel. "

"Where were you when the second shot was fired?"

"Ah was passin' de Big Fo' depot. "

SPINSTERS

"Is there anyone present who wishes the prayers of the congregation fora relative or friend?" asks the minister. 

"I do, " says the angular lady arising from the rear pew. "I want thecongregation to pray for my husband. "

"Why, sister Abigail!" replies the minister. "You have no husband asyet. "

"Yes, but I want you all to pitch in an' pray for one for me!" Some timeago the wife of an assisstant state officer gave a party to a lot of oldmaids of her town. She asked each one to bring a photograph of the manwho had tried to woo and wed her. Each of the old maids brought aphotograph and they were all pictures of the same man, the hostess'shusband. 

Maude Adams was one day discussing with her old negro "mammy" theapproaching marriage of a friend. 

"When is you gwine to git married, Miss Maudie?" asked the mammy, whotook a deep interest in her talented young mistress. 

"I don't know, mammy, " answered the star. "I don't think I'll ever getmarried. "

"Well, " sighed mammy, in an attempt to be philosophical, "they do sayole maids is the happies' kind after they quits strugglin'. "

 Here's to the Bachelor, so lonely and gay, For it's not his fault, he was born that way; And here's to the Spinster, so lonely and good; For it's not her fault, she hath done what she could. 

An old maid on the wintry side of fifty, hearing of the marriage of apretty young lady, her friend, observed with a deep and sentimentalsigh: "Well, I suppose it is what we must all come to. "

A famous spinster, known throughout the country for her charities, wasentertaining a number of little girls from a charitable institution. After the luncheon, the children were shown through the place, in orderthat they might enjoy the many beautiful things it contained. 

"This, " said the spinster, indicating a statue, "is Minerva. "

"Was Minerva married?" asked one of the little girls. 

"No, my child, " said the spinster, with a smile; "Minerva was theGoddess of Wisdom. "--_E. T_. 

 There once was a lonesome, lorn spinster, And luck had for years been ag'inst her; When a man came to burgle She shrieked, with a gurgle, "Stop thief, while I call in a min'ster!"

SPITE

Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say somethingmore aggraviting than if you spoke right out at once. 

A man had for years employed a steady German workman. One day Jake cameto him and asked to be excused from work the next day. 

"Certainly, Jake, " beamed the employer. "What are you going to do?"

"Vall, " said Jake slowly. "I tink I must go by mein wife's funeral. Shedies yesterday. "

After the lapse of a few weeks Jake again approached his boss for a dayoff. 

"All right, Jake, but what are you going to do this time?"

"Aber, " said Jake, "I go to make me, mit mein fräulein, a wedding. "

"What? So soon? Why, it's only been three weeks since you buried yourwife. "

"Ach!" replied Jake, "I don't hold spite long. "

SPRING

 In the spring the housemaid's fancy Lightly turns from pot and pan To the greater necromancy Of a young unmarried man. You can hold her through the winter, And she'll work around and sing, But it's just as good as certain She will marry in the spring. 

 It is easy enough to look pleasant, When the spring comes along with a rush; But the fellow worth-while Is the one who can smile When he slips and sits down in the slush. 

 --_Leslie Van Every_. 

STAMMERING

One of the ushers approached a man who appeared to be annoying thoseabout him. 

"Don't you like the show?"

"Yes, indeed!"

"Then why do you persist in hissing the performers?"

"Why, m-man alive, I w-was-n't h-hissing! I w-was s-s-im-plys-s-s-saying to S-s-s-sammie that the s-s-s-singing is s-s-s-superb. "

A man who stuttered badly went to a specialist and after ten difficultlessons learned to say quite distinctly, "Peter Piper picked a peck ofpickled peppers. " His friends congratulated him upon this splendidachievement. 

"Yes, " said the man doubtfully, "but it's s-s-such a d-d-deucedlyd-d-d-difficult rem-mark to w-w-work into an ordin-n-naryc-c-convers-s-sa-tion, y' know. "

STATESMEN

A statesman is a deal politician. --_Mr. Dooley_. 

A statesman is a man who finds out which way the crowd is going, thenjumps in front and yells like blazes. 

STATISTICS

An earnest preacher in Georgia, who has a custom of telling the Lord allthe news in his prayers, recently began a petition for help against theprogress of wickedness in his town, with the statement:

"Oh, Thou great Jehovah, crime is on the increase. It is becoming moreprevalent daily. I can prove it to you by statistics. "

PATIENT--"Tell me candidly, Doc, do you think I'll pull through?"

DOCTOR--"Oh, you're bound to get well--you can't help yourself. _TheMedical Record_ shows that out of one hundred cases like yours, one percent invariably recovers. I've treated ninety-nine cases, and every oneof them died. Why, man alive, you can't die if you try! There's nohumbug in statistics. "

STEAK

"Can I get a steak here and catch the one o'clock train?"

"It depends on your teeth, sir. "

STEAM

"Can you tell what steam is?" asked the examiner. 

"Why, sure, sir, " replied Patrick confidently. "Steam is--Why--er--it'swather thos's gone crazy wid the heat. "

STEAMSHIPS AND STEAMBOATS

"That new steamer they're building is a whopper, " says the man with theshoe button nose. 

"Yes, " agrees the man with the recalcitrant hair, "but my uncle is goingto build one so long that when a passenger gets seasick in one end of ithe can go to the other end and be clear away from the storm. "

STENOGRAPHERS

A beautiful statuesque blond had left New York to act as stenographer toa dignified Philadelphian of Quaker descent. On the morning of her firstappearance she went straight to the desk of her employer. 

"I presume, " she remarked, "that you begin the day over here the same asthey do in New York?"

"Oh, yes, " replied the employer, without glancing up from a letter hewas reading. 

"Well, hurry up and kiss me, then, " was the startling rejoinder, "I wantto get to work. "

STOCK BROKERS

 A grain broker in New Boston, Maine, Said, "That market gives me a pain; I can hardly bear it, To bull--I don't dare it, For it's going against the grain. "

 --_Minnesota Minne-Ha-Ha_. 

STRATEGY

A bird dog belonging to a man in Mulvane disappeared last week. Theowner put this "ad" in the paper and insisted that it be printed exactlyas he wrote it:

LOST OR RUN AWAY--One livver culered burd dog called Jim. Will showsigns of hyderfobby in about three days. The dog came home the followingday. 

"Boy, take these flowers to Miss Bertie Bohoo, Room 12. "

"My, sir, you're the fourth gentleman wot's sent her flowers to-day. "

"What's that? What the deuce? W--who sent the others?"

"Oh, they didn't send any names. They all said, 'She'll know where theycome from. '"

"Well, here, take my card, and tell her these are from the same one whosent the other three boxes. "

The little girl was having a great deal of trouble pronouncing some ofthe words she met with. "Vinegar" had given her the most trouble, andshe was duly grieved to know that the village was being entertained byher efforts in this direction. 

She was sent one day to the store with the vinegar-jug, to get itfilled, and had no intention of amusing the people who were gathered inthe store. So she handed the jug to the clerk with:

"Smell the mouth of it and give me a quart. "

A young couple had been courting for several years, and the young manseemed to be in no hurry to marry. Finally, one day, he said:

"Sall, I canna marry thee. "

"How's that?" asked she. 

"I've changed my mind, " said he. 

"Well, I'll tell thee what we'll do, " said she. "If folks know that it'sthee as has given me up I shanna be able to get another chap; but ifthey think I've given thee up then I can get all I want. So we'll havebanns published and when the wedding day comes the parson will say tothee, 'Wilt thou have this woman to be thy wedded wife?' and thou mustsay, 'I will. ' And when he says to me, 'Wilt thou have this man to bethy wedded husband?' I shall say, 'I winna. '"

The day came, and when the minister asked the important question the mananswered:

"I will. "

Then the parson said to the woman:

"Wilt thou have this man to be thy wedded husband?" and she said:

"I will. "

"Why, " said the young man furiously, "you said you would say 'I winna. '"

"I know that, " said the young woman, "but I've changed my mind since. "

Charles Stuart, formerly senator from Michigan, was traveling by stagethrough his own state. The weather was bitter cold, the snow deep, andthe roads practically unbroken. The stage was nearly an hour late at thedinner station and everybody was cross and hungry. 

In spite of the warning, "Ten minutes only for refreshments, " SenatorStuart sat down to dinner with his usual deliberation. When he hadfinished his first cup of coffee the other passengers were leaving thetable. By the time his second cup arrived the stage was at the door. "All aboard!" shouted the driver. The senator lingered and called for athird cup of coffee. 

While the household, as was the custom, assembled at the door to see thestage oft, the senator calmly continued his meal. Suddenly, just as thestage was starting, he pounded violently on the dining-room table. Thelandlord hurried in. The senator wanted a dish of rice-pudding. When itcame he called for a spoon. There wasn't a spoon to be found. 

"That shock-headed fellow took 'em!" exclaimed the landlady. "I knew himfor a thief the minute I laid eyes on him. "

The landlord jumped to the same conclusion. 

"Hustle after that stage!" he shouted to the sheriff, who was untyinghis horse from the rail in front of the tavern. "Bring 'em all back. They've taken the silver!"

A few minutes later the stage, in charge of the sheriff, swung around infront of the house. The driver was in a fury. 

"Search them passengers!" insisted the landlord. 

But before the officer could move, the senator opened the stage door, stepped inside, then leaned out, touched the sheriff's arm andwhispered:

"Tell the landlord he'll find his spoons in the coffee-pot. "

SUBWAYS

Any one who has ever traveled on the New York subway in rush hours caneasily appreciate the following:

A little man, wedged into the middle of a car, suddenly thought ofpickpockets, and quite as suddenly remembered that he had some money inhis overcoat. He plunged his hand into his pocket and was somewhatshocked upon encountering the fist of a fat fellow-passenger. 

"Aha!" snorted the latter. "I caught you that time!"

"Leggo!" snarled the little man. "Leggo my hand!"

"Pickpocket!" hissed the fat man. 

"Scoundrel!" retorted the little one. 

Just then a tall man in their vicinity glanced up from his paper. 

"I'd like to get off here, " he drawled, "if you fellows don't mindtaking your hands out of my pocket. "

SUCCESS

Nothing succeeds like excess. --_Life_. 

Nothing succeeds like looking successful. --_Henriette Corkland_. 

Success in life often consists in knowing just when to disagree withone's employer. 

A New Orleans lawyer was asked to address the boys of a business school. He commenced:

"My young friends, as I approached the entrance to this room I noticedon the panel of the door a word eminently appropriate to an institutionof this kind. It expresses the one thing most useful to the average manwhen he steps into the arena of life. It was--"

"Pull, " shouted the boys, in a roar of laughter, and the lawyer feltthat he had taken his text from the wrong side of the door. 

 I'd rather be a Could Be If I could not be an Are; For a Could Be is a May Be, With a chance of touching par. I'd rather be a Has Been Than a Might Have Been, by far; For a Might Have Been has never been, But a Has was once an Are. 

 'Tis not in mortals to command success, But we'll do more, Sempronius, -- We'll deserve it. 

 --_Addison_. 

There are two ways of rising in the world: either by one's own industryor profiting by the foolishness of others. --_La Bruyère_. 

 Success is counted sweetest By those who ne'er succeed. 

 --_Emily Dickinson_. 

_See also_ Making good. 

SUFFRAGETTES

When a married woman goes out to look after her rights, her husband isusually left at home to look after his wrongs. --_Child Harold_. 

"'Ullo, Bill, 'ow's things with yer?"

"Lookin' up, Tom, lookin' up. "

"Igh cost o' livin' not 'ittin' yer, Bill?"

"Not so 'ard, Tom--not so 'ard. The missus 'as went 'orf on a hungerstroike and me butcher's bills is cut in arf!"

I'd hate t' be married t' a suffragette an' have t' eat Battle Creekbreakfasts. --_Abe Martin_. 

FIRST ENGLISHMAN--"Why do you allow your wife to be a militantsuffragette?"

SECOND ENGLISHMAN--"When she's busy wrecking things outside we havecomparative peace at home. "--_Life_. 

Recipe for a suffragette:

 To the power that already lies in her hands You add equal rights with the gents; You'll find votes that used to bring two or three plunks, Marked down to ninety-eight cents. 

When Mrs. Pankhurst, the English suffragette, was in America she met andbecame very much attached to Mrs. Lee Preston, a New York woman ofsingular cleverness of mind and personal attraction. After theacquaintance had ripened somewhat Mrs. Pankhurst ventured to say:

"I do hope, Mrs. Preston, that you are a suffragette. "

"Oh, dear no!" replied Mrs. Preston; "you know, Mrs. Pankhurst, I amhappily married. "

BILL--"Jake said he was going to break up the suffragette meeting theother night. Were his plans carried out?"

DILL--"No, Jake was. "--_Life_. 

SLASHER--"Been in a fight?"

MASHER--"No. I tried to flirt with a pretty suffragette. "--_Judge_. 

"What sort of a ticket does your suffragette club favor?"

"Well, " replied young Mrs. Torkins, "if we owned right up, I think mostof us would prefer matinée tickets. "

_See also_ Woman suffrage. 

SUICIDE

The Chinese Consul at San Francisco, at a recent dinner, discussed hiscountry's customs. 

"There is one custom, " said a young girl, "that I can't understand--andthat is the Chinese custom of committing suicide by eating gold-leaf. Ican't understand how gold-leaf can kill. "

"The partaker, no doubt, " smiled the Consul, "succumbs from aconsciousness of inward gilt. "

SUMMER RESORTS

GABE--"What are you going back to that place for this summer? Why, lastyear it was all mosquitoes and no fishing. "

STEVE--"The owner tells me that he has crossed the mosquitoes with thefish, and guarantees a bite every second. "

"I suppose, " said the city man, "there are some queer characters aroundan old village like this. "

"You'll find a good many, " admitted the native, "when the hotels fillup. "

SUNDAY

Albert was a solemn-eyed, spiritual-looking child. "Nurse, " he said oneday, leaving his blocks and laying his hand on her knee, "nurse, is thisGod's day?"

"No, dear, " said the nurse, "this is not Sunday; it is Thursday. "

"I'm so sorry, " he said, sadly, and went back to his blocks. 

The next day and the next in his serious manner he asked the samequestion, and the nurse tearfully said to the cook:

"That child is too good for this world. "

On Sunday the question was repeated, and the nurse, with a sob in hervoice, said: "Yes, lambie, this is God's day. "

"Then where is the funny paper?" he demanded. 

TEACHER-"Good little boys do not skate on Sunday, Corky. Don't you thinkthat is very nice of them?"

CORKY--"Sure t'ing!"

TEACHER--"And why is it nice of them, Corky?"

CORKY--"Aw, it leaves more room on de ice! See?"

 Of all the days that's in the week, I dearly love but one day, And that's the day that comes betwixt A Saturday and Monday. 

 --_Henry Carey_. 

O day of rest! How beautiful, how fair, How welcome to the weary and the old!Day of the Lord! and truce to earthly care!Day of the Lord, as all our days should be!

 --_Longfellow_. 

SUNDAY SCHOOLS

"Now, Willie, " said the superintendent's little boy, addressing theblacksmith's little boy, who had come over for a frolic, "we'll play'Sabbath School. ' You give me a nickel every Sunday for six months, andthen at Christmas I'll give you a ten-cent bag of candy. "

When Lottie returned from her first visit to Sunday-school, she wasasked what she had learned. 

"God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh day, "was her version of the lesson imparted. 

The teacher asked: "When did Moses live?"

After the silence had become painful she ordered: "Open your OldTestaments. What does it say there?"

A boy answered: "Moses, 4000. "

"Now, " said the teacher, "why didn't you know when Moses lived?"

"Well, " replied the boy, "I thought it was his telephonenumber, "--_Suburban Life_. 

"How many of you boys, " asked the Sunday-school superintendent, "canbring two other boys next Sunday?"

There was no response until a new recruit raised his hand hesitatingly. 

"Well, William?"

"I can't bring two, but there's one little feller I can lick, and I'lldo my damnedest to bring him. "

SUPERSTITION

Superstition is a premature explanation overstaying its time. --_GeorgeIles_. 

SURPRISE

"Where are you goin', ma?" asked the youngest of five children. 

"I'm going to a surprise party, my dear, " answered the mother. 

"Are we all goin', too?"

"No, dear. You weren't invited. "

After a few moments' deep thought:

"Say, ma, then don't you think they'd be lots more surprised if you didtake us all?"

SWIMMERS

Two negro roustabouts at New Orleans were continually bragging abouttheir ability as long distance swimmers and a steamboat man got up amatch. The man who swam the longest distance was to receive $5. TheAlabama Whale immediately stripped on the dock, but the Human Steamboatsaid he had some business and would return in a few minutes. The Whaleswam the river four or five times for exercise and by that time theHuman Steamboat returned. He wore a pair of swimming trunks and had asheet iron cook stove strapped on his back. Tied around his neck were adozen packages containing bread, flour, bacon and other eatables. TheWhale gazed at his opponent in amazement. 

"Whar yo' vittles?" demanded the Human Steamboat. 

"Vittles fo' what?" asked the Whale. 

"Don't yo' ask me fo' nothin' on the way ovah, " warned the Steamboat. "Mah fust stop is New York an' mah next stop is London. "

SYMPATHY

A sympathizer is a fellow that's for you as long as it don't costanything. 

Dwight L. Moody was riding in a car one day when it was hailed by a manmuch the worse for liquor, who presently staggered along the car betweentwo rows of well-dressed people, regardless of tender feet. 

Murmurs and complaints arose on all sides and demands were heard thatthe offender should be ejected at once. 

But amid the storm of abuse one friendly voice was raised. Mr. Moodyrose from his seat, saying:

"No, no, friends! Let the man sit down and be quiet. "

The drunken one turned, and, seizing the famous evangelist by the hand, exclaimed:

"Thank ye, sir--thank ye! I see you know what it is to be drunk. "

The man rushed excitedly into the smoking car. "A lady has fainted inthe next car! Has anybody got any whiskey?" he asked. 

Instantly a half-dozen flasks were thrust out to him. Taking the nearestone, he turned the bottle up and took a big drink, then, handing theflask back, said, "Thank you. It always did make me feel sick to see alady faint. "

A tramp went to a farmhouse, and sitting down in the front yard began toeat the grass. 

The housewife's heart went out to him: "Poor man, you must indeed behungry. Come around to the back. "

The tramp beamed and winked at the hired man. 

"There, " said the housewife, when the tramp hove in sight, pointing to acircle of green grass, "try that: you will find that grass so muchlonger. "

Strengthen me by sympathizing with my strength, not my weakness. --_AmosBronson Alcott_. 

SYNONYMS

"I don't believe any two words in the English language are synonymous. "

"Oh, I don't know. What's the matter with 'raise' and 'lift'?"

"There's a big difference. I 'raise' chickens and have a neighbor whohas been known to 'lift' them. "

TABLE MANNERS

_See_ Dining. 

TACT

It was at the private theatricals, and the young man wished tocompliment his hostess, saying:

"Madam, you played your part splendidly. It fits you to perfection. "

"I'm afraid not. A young and pretty woman is needed for that part, " saidthe smiling hostess. 

"But, madam, you have positively proved the contrary. "

TAFT, WILLIAM HOWARD

When Mr. Taft was on his campaigning tour in the west, before he hadbeen elected President, he stopped at the home of an old friend. It wasa small house, not well built, and as he walked about in his room theunsubstantial little house fairly shook with his tread. When he got intobed that receptacle, unused to so much weight, gave way, precipitatingTaft on the floor. 

His friend hurried to his door. 

"What's the matter, Bill?"

"Oh, I'm all right, I guess, " Taft called out to his friendgood-naturedly; "but say, Joe, if you don't find me here in the morninglook in the cellar. "

One morning a few summers ago President Taft, wearing the largestbathing suit known to modern times, threw his substantial form into thecooling waves of Beverly Bay. Shortly afterward one neighbor said toanother: "Let's go bathing. "

"How can we?" was the response. "The President is using the ocean. "

TALENT

_See_ Actors and actresses. 

TALKERS

Some years ago, Mark Twain was a guest of honor at an opera box-partygiven by a prominent member of New York society. The hostess had beenparticularly talkative all during the performance--to Mr. Clemens'sincreasing irritation. 

Toward the end of the opera, she turned to him and said gushingly:

"Oh, my dear Mr. Clemens, I do so want you to be with us next Fridayevening. I'm certain you will like it the opera will be 'Tosca. '"

"Charmed, I'm sure, " replied Clemens. "I've never heard you in that. "

It was a beautiful evening and Ole, who had screwed up courage to takeMary for a ride, was carried away by the magic of the night. 

"Mary, " he asked, "will you marry me?"

"Yes, Ole, " she answered softly. 

Ole lapsed into a silence that at last became painful to his fiancée. 

"Ole, " she said desperately, "why don't you say something?"

"Ay tank, " Ole replied, "they bane too much said already. "

"Sir, " said the sleek-looking agent, approaching the desk of the meek, meaching-looking man and opening one of those folding thingumjigsshowing styles of binding, "I believe I can interest you in this massiveset of books containing the speeches of the world's greatest orators. Seventy volumes, one dollar down and one dollar a month until the price, six hundred and eighty dollars has been paid. This set of books givesyou the most celebrated speeches of the greatest talkers the world hasever known and--"

"Let me see the index, " said the meek man. 

The agent handed it to him and he looked through it carefully andmethodically, running his finger along the list of names. 

Reaching the end he handed the index back to the agent and said: "Itisn't what you claim it is. I happen to know the greatest talker in theworld, and you haven't her in the index. "

A guest was expected for dinner and Bobby had received five cents as theprice of his silence during the meal. He was as quiet as a mouse until, discovering that his favorite dessert was being served, he could nolonger curb his enthusiasm. He drew the coin from his pocket, androlling it across the table, exclaimed: "Here's your nickel, Mamma. I'drather talk. "

A belated voyager in search of hilarity stumbled home after one o'clockand found his wife waiting for him. The curtain lecture that followedwas of unusual virulence, and in the midst of it he fell asleep. Awakening a few hours later he found his wife still pouring forth aregular cascade of denunciation. Eyeing her sleepily he said curiously, "Say, are you talking yet or again?"

"You must not talk all the time, Ethel, " said the mother who had beeninterrupted. 

"When will I be old enough to, Mama?" asked the little girl. 

While the late Justice Brewer was judge in a minor court he waspresiding at the trial of a wife's suit for separation and alimony. Thedefendant acknowledged that he hadn't spoken to his wife in five years, and Judge Brewer put in a question. 

"What explanation have you, " he asked severely, "for not speaking toyour wife in five years?"

"Your Honor, " replied the husband, "I didn't like to interrupt thelady. "

She was in an imaginative mood. 

"Henry, dear, " she said after talking two hours without a recess, "Isometimes wish I were a mermaid. "

"It would be fatal, " snapped her weary hubby. 

"Fatal! In what way?"

"Why, you couldn't keep your mouth closed long enough to keep fromdrowning. "

And after that, Henry did not get any supper. 

"Here comes Blinkers. He's got a new baby, and he'll talk us to death. "

"Well, here comes a neighbor of mine who has a new setter dog. Let'sintroduce them and leave them to their fate. "--_Life_. 

A street-car was getting under way when two women, rushing from oppositesides of the street to greet each other, met right in the middle of thecar-track and in front of the car. There the two stopped and began totalk. The car stopped, too, but the women did not appear to realize thatit was there. Certain of the passengers, whose heads were immediatelythrust out of the windows to ascertain what the trouble was, began tomake sarcastic remarks, but the two women heeded them not. 

Finally the motorman showed that he had a saving sense of humor. Leaningover the dash-board, he inquired, in the gentlest of tones:

"Pardon me, ladies, but shall I get you a couple of chairs?"

A--"I used a word in speaking to my wife which offended her sorely aweek ago. She has not spoken a syllable to me since. "

B--"Would you mind telling me what it was?"

In general those who have nothing to say Contrive to spend the longesttime in doing it. --_Lowell_. 

_See also_ Wives. 

TARDINESS

"You'll be late for supper, sonny, " said the merchant, in passing asmall boy who was carrying a package. 

"No, I won't, " was the reply. "I've dot de meat. "--_Mabel Long_. 

"How does it happen that you are five minutes late at school thismorning?" the teacher asked severely. 

"Please, ma'am, " said Ethel, "I must have overwashed myself. "

TARIFF

Why not have an illuminated sign on the statue of Liberty saying, "America expects every man to pay his duty?"--_Kent Packard_. 

TASTE

"It isn't wise for a painter to be too frank in his criticisms, " saidRobert Henri at a luncheon. "I know a very outspoken painter whoselittle daughter called at a friend's house and said:

'Show me your new parlor rug, won't you, please?'"

So, with great pride, the hostess led the little girl into thedrawing-room, and raised all the blinds, so that the light might streamin abundantly upon the gorgeous colors of an expensive Kirmanshah. 

The little girl stared down at the rug in silence. Then, as she turnedaway, she said in a rather disappointed voice:

"'It doesn't make _me_ sick!'"

TEACHERS

A rural school has a pretty girl as its teacher, but she was muchtroubled because many of her pupils were late every morning. At last shemade the announcement that she would kiss the first pupil to arrive atthe schoolhouse the next morning. At sunrise the largest three boys ofher class were sitting on the doorstep of the schoolhouse, and by sixo'clock every boy in the school and four of the directors were waitingfor her to arrive. 

"Why did you break your engagement with that school teacher?"

"If I failed to show up at her house every evening, she expected me tobring a written excuse signed by my mother. "

Among the youngsters belonging to a colege settlement in a New Englandcity was one little girl who returned to her humble home with glowingaccounts of the new teacher. 

"She's a perfect lady, " exclaimed the enthusiastic youngster. 

The child's mother gave her a doubtful look. "How do _you_ know?" shesaid. "You've only known her two days. "

"It's easy enough tellin', " continued the child. "I know she's a perfectlady, because she makes you feel polite all the time. "

MOTHER--"The teacher complains you have not had a correct lesson for amonth; why is it?"

SON--"She always kisses me when I get them right. "

There was a meeting of the new teachers and the old. It was a sort oflove feast, reception or whatever you call it. Anyhow all the teachersgot together and pretended they didn't have a care in the world. Afterthe eats were et the symposiarch proposed a toast:

"Long Live Our Teachers!"

It was drunk enthusiastically. One of the new teachers was called on torespond. He modestly accepted. His answer was:

"What On?"

TEACHER--"Now, Willie, where did you get that chewing gum? I want thetruth. "

WILLIE--"You don't want the truth, teacher, an' I'd ruther not tell alie. "

TEACHER--"How dare you say I don't want the truth! Tell me at once whereyou got that chewing-gum. "

WILLIE--"Under your desk. "

 Grave is the Master's look; his forehead wears Thick rows of wrinkles, prints of worrying cares: Uneasy lie the heads of all that rule, His worst of all whose kingdom is a school. 

 --_0. W. Holmes_. 

TEARS

Two Irishmen who had just landed were eating their dinner in a hotel, when Pat spied a bottle of horseradish. Not knowing what it was hepartook of a big mouthful, which brought tears to his eyes. 

Mike, seeing Pat crying, exclaimed: "Phat be ye cryin' fer?"

Pat, wishing to have Mike fooled also, exclaimed: "I'm crying fer mepoor ould mother, who's dead way over in Ireland. "

By and by Mike took some of the radish, whereupon tears filled _his_eyes. Pat, seeing them, asked his friend what he was crying for. 

Mike replied: "Because ye didn't die at the same time yer poor ouldmother did. "

TEETH

 There was an old man of Tarentum, Who gnashed his false teeth till he bent 'em: And when asked for the cost Of what he had lost, Said, "I really can't tell for I rent 'em!"

 --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_. 

Pat came to the office with his jaw very much swollen from a tooth hedesired to have pulled. But when the suffering son of Erin got into thedentist's chair and saw the gleaming pair of forceps approaching hisface, he positively refused to open his mouth. 

The dentist quietly told his office boy to prick his patient with a pin, and when Pat opened his mouth to yell the dentist seized the tooth, andout it came. 

"It didn't hurt as much as you expected it would, did it?" the dentistasked smiling. 

"Well, no, " replied Pat hesitatingly, as if doubting the truthfulness ofhis admission. "But, " he added, placing his hand on the spot where theboy jabbed him with the pin, "begorra, little did I think the rootswould reach down like that. "

An Irishman with one side of his face badly swollen stepped into Dr. Wicten's office and inquired if the dentist was in. "I am the dentist, "said the doctor. 

"Well, then, I want ye to see what's the matter wid me tooth. "

The doctor examined the offending molar, and explained: "The nerve isdead; that's what's the matter. "

"Thin, be the powers, " the Irishman exclaimed, "the other teeth must behouldin' a wake over it!"

 For there was never yet philosopher That could endure the toothache patiently. 

 --_Shakespeare_. 

TELEPHONE

Two girls were talking over the wire. Both were discussing what theyshould wear to the Christmas party. In the midst of this importantconversation a masculine voice interrupted, asking humbly for a number. One of the girls became indignant and scornfully asked:

"What line do you think you are on, anyhow?"

"Well, " said the man, "I am not sure, but, judging from what I haveheard, I should say I was on a clothesline. "

When Grover Cleveland's little girl was quite young her father oncetelephoned to the White House from Chicago and asked Mrs. Cleveland tobring the child to the 'phone. Lifting the little one up to theinstrument, Mrs. Cleveland watched her expression change frombewilderment to wonder and then to fear. It was surely her father'svoice--yet she looked at the telephone incredulously. After examiningthe tiny opening in the receiver the little girl burst into tears. "Oh, Mamma!" she sobbed. "How can we ever get Papa out of that little hole?"

New York Elks are having a lot of fun with a member of their lodge, aFifteenth Street jeweler. The other day his wife was in the jewelrystore when the 'phone rang. She answered it. 

"I want to speak to Mr. H----, " said a woman's voice. 

"Who is this?' demanded the jeweler's wife. 

"Elizabeth. "

"Well, Elizabeth, this is his wife. Now, madam, what do you want?"

"I want to talk to Mr. H----. "

"You'll talk to me. "

"Please let me speak to Mr. H----. "

The jeweler's wife grew angry. "Look here, young lady, " she said, "whoare you that calls my husband and insists on talking to him?"

"I'm the telephone operator at Elizabeth, N. J. , " came the reply. 

And now the Elks take turns calling the jeweler up and telling him it'sElizabeth. 

OPERATOR--"Number, please. "

SUBSCRIBER--"I vas talking mit my husband und now I don't hear him anymore. You must of pushed him off de vire. "

A German woman called up Central and instructed her as follows:

"Ist dis de mittle? Veil dis is Lena. Hang my hustband on dis line. Ivant to speak mit him. "

In China when the subscriber rings up exchange the operator may beexpected to ask:

"What number does the honorable son of the moon and stars desire?"

"Hohi, two-three. "

Silence. Then the exchange resumes. 

"Will the honorable person graciously forgive the inadequacy of theinsignificant service and permit this humbled slave of the wire toinform him that the never-to-be-sufficiently censured line is busy?"

Recipe for a telephone operator:

 To fearful and wonderful rolling of "r's, " And a voice cold as thirty below, Add a dash of red pepper, some ginger and sass If you leave out the "o" in "hello"!

TEMPER

Hearing the crash of china Dinah's mistress arrived in time to see herfavorite coffee-set in pieces. The sight was too much for her mercurialtemper. "Dinah, " she said, "I cannot stand it any longer. I want you togo. I want you to go soon, I want you to go right now. "

"Lawzee, " replied Dinah, "this surely am a co-instence. I was this veryminute cogitatin' that same thought in my own mind--I want to go, Ithank the good Lawd I kin go, and I pity your husband, ma'am, that hecan't go. "

TEMPERANCE

A Boston deacon who was a zealous advocate for the cause of temperanceemployed a carpenter to make some alterations in his home. In repairinga corner near the fireplace, it was found necessary to remove thewainscot, when some things were brought to light which greatlyastonished the workman. A brace of decanters, sundry bottles containing"something to take, " a pitcher, and tumblers were cosily reposing intheir snug quarters. The joiner ran to the proprietor with theintelligence. 

"Well, I declare!" exclaimed the deacon. "That is curious, sure enough. It must be old Captain Bunce that left those things there when heoccupied the premises thirty years since. "

"Perhaps he did, returned the discoverer, but, Deacon, that ice in thepitcher must have been well frozen to remain solid. "--_Abbie C. Dixon_. 

 Here's to a temperance supper, With water in glasses tall, And coffee and tea to end with And me not there at all. 

The best prohibition story of the season comes from Kansas where, it issaid, a local candidate stored a lot of printed prohibition literaturein his barn, but accidentally left the door open and a herd of milchcows came in and ate all the pamphlets. As a result every cow in theherd went dry. --_Adrian Times_. 

A Michigan citizen recently received a letter from a Kentucky whiskyhouse, requesting him to send them the names of a dozen or more personswho would like to get some fine whisky shipped to them at a very lowprice. The letter wound up by saying:

"We will give you a commission on all the orders sent in by partieswhose names you send us. "

The Michigan man belonged to a practical joke class, and filled in thenames of some of his prohibition friends on the blank spaces left forthat purpose. 

He had forgotten all about his supposed practical joke when Monday hereceived another letter from the same house. He supposed it was arequest for some more names, and was just about to throw thecommunication in the waste basket when it occurred to him to send thename of another old friend to the whisky house. He accordingly tore openthe envelope, and came near collapsing when he found a check for $4. 80, representing his commission on the sale of whisky to the parties whosenames he had sent in about three weeks before. 

Abstinence is as easy to me as temperance would be difficult. --_SamuelJohnson_. 

TEXAS

The bigness of Texas is evident from a cursory examination of the map. But its effect upon the people of that state is not generally known. Itis about six hundred miles from Brownsville, at the bottom of the map, to Dallas, which is several hundreds of miles from the top of the map. Hence the following conversation in Brownsville recently between two ofthe old-time residents:

"Where have you been lately, Bob? I ain't seen much of you. "

"Been on a trip north. "

"Where'd you go?"

"Went to Dallas. "

"Have a good time?"

"Naw; I never did like them damn Yankees, anyway. "

TEXTS

In the Tennessee mountains a mountaineer preacher, who had declaredcolleges "the works of the devil, " was preaching without previousmeditation an inspirational sermon from the text, "The voice of theturtle shall be heard in the land. " Not noting that the margin read"turtle-dove, " he proceeded in this manner:

"This text, my hearers, strikes me as one of the most peculiar texts inthe whole book, because we all know that a turtle ain't got no voice. But by the inward enlightenment I begin to see the meaning and willexpose it to you. Down in the hollers by the streams and ponds you havegone in the springtime, my brethren, and observed the little turtles, a-sleeping on the logs. But at the sound of the approach of a humanbeing, they went _kerflop-kerplunk_, down into the water. This I say, then, is the meaning of the prophet: he, speakinging figgeratively, referred to the _kerflop_ of the turtle as the _voice_ of the turtle, and hence we see that in those early times the prophet, looking down atthe ages to come, clearly taught and prophesied the doctrine I havealways preached to this congregation--_that immersion is the only formof baptism. "_

John D. Rockefeller, Jr. , once asked a clergyman to give him anappropriate Bible verse on which to base an address which he was to makeat the latter's church. 

"I was thinking, " said young Rockefeller, "that I would take the versefrom the Twenty-third Psalm: 'The Lord is my shepherd. ' Would that seemappropriate?"

"Quite, " said the clergyman; "but do you really want an appropriateverse?"

"I certainly do, " was the reply. 

"Well, then, " said the clergyman, with a twinkle in his eye, "I wouldselect the verse in the same Psalm: 'Thou anointest my head with oil; mycup runneth over. '"

THEATER

"Say, old man, " chattered the press-agent, who had cornered a producerof motion-picture plays, "I've got a grand idea for a film-drama. Listento the impromptu scenario: Scene one, exterior of a Broadway theater, with the ticket-speculators getting the coin in handfuls, and--"

"You're out!" interrupted the producer. "Why, don't you know that thelaw don't permit us to show an actual robbery on the screen?"--_P. H. Carey_. 

"Why don't women have the same sense of humor that men possess?" askedMr. Torkins. 

"Perhaps, " answered his wife gently, "it's because we don't attend thesame theaters. "

It appears that at the rehearsal of a play, a wonderful climax had beenreached, which was to be heightened by the effective use of the usualthunder and lightning. The stage-carpenter was given the order. Thewords were spoken, and instantly a noise which resembled a succession ofpistol-shots was heard off the wings. 

"What on earth are you doing, man?" shouted the manager, rushing behindthe scenes. "Do you call that thunder? It's not a bit like it. "

"Awfully sorry, sir, " responded the carpenter; "but the fact is, sir, Icouldn't hear you because of the storm. That was real thunder, sir!"

Everybody has his own theater, in which he is manager, actor, prompter, playwright, sceneshifter, boxkeeper, doorkeeper, all in one, andaudience into the bargain. --_J. C. And A. W. Hare_. 

THIEVES

GEORGIA LAWYER (to colored prisoner)--"Well, Ras, so you want me todefend you. Have you any money?"

RASTUS--"No; but I'se got a mule, and a few chickens, and a hog or two. "

LAWYER--"Those will do very nicely. Now, let's see; what do they accuseyou of stealing?"

RASTUS--"Oh, a mule, and a few chickens, and a hog or two. "

At a dinner given by the prime minister of a little kingdom on theBalkan Peninsula, a distinguished diplomat complained to his host thatthe minister of justice, who had been sitting on his left, had stolenhis watch. 

"Ah, he shouldn't have done that, " said the prime minister, in tones ofannoyance. "I will get it back for you. "

Sure enough, toward the end of the evening the watch was returned to itsowner. 

"And what did he say?" asked the diplomat. 

"Sh-h, " cautioned the host, glancing anxiously about him. "He doesn'tknow that I have got it back. "

Senator "Bob" Taylor, of Tennessee, tells a story of how, when he was"Fiddling Bob, " governor of that state, an old negress came to him andsaid:

"Massa Gov'na, we's mighty po' this winter, and Ah wish you would pardonmah old man. He is a fiddler same as you is, and he's in thepen'tentry. "

"What was he put in for?" asked the governor. 

"Stead of workin' fo' it that good-fo'-nothin' nigger done stole somebacon. "

"If he is good for nothing what do you want him back for?"

"Well, yo' see, we's all out of bacon ag'in, " said the old negressinnocently. 

"Did ye see as Jim got ten years' penal for stealing that 'oss?"

"Serve 'im right, too. Why didn't 'e buy the 'oss and not pay for 'imlike any other gentleman?"

Some time ago a crowd of Bowery sports went over to Philadelphia to seea prize fight. One "wise guy, " who, among other things, is something ofa pickpocket, was so sure of the result that he was willing to bet onit. 

"The Kid's goin' t' win. It's a pipe, " he told a friend. 

The friend expressed doubts. 

"Sure he'll win, " the pickpocket persisted. "I'll bet you a gold watchhe wins. "

Still the friend doubted. 

"Why, " exclaimed the pickpocket, "I'm willin' to bet you a good goldwatch he wins! Y' know what I'll do? Come through the train with me now, an' y' can pick out any old watch y' like. "

 In vain we call old notions fudge And bend our conscience to our dealing. 

 The Ten Commandments will not budge And stealing will continue stealing. 

 --_Motto of American Copyright League_. 

 Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind; The thief doth fear each bush an officer. 

 --_Shakespeare_. 

_See also_ Chicken stealing; Lawyers; Lost and found. 

THIN PEOPLE

 There was an old fellow named Green, Who grew so abnormally lean, And flat, and compressed, That his back touched his chest, And sideways he couldn't be seen. 

 There was a young lady of Lynn, Who was so excessively thin, That when she essayed To drink lemonade She slipped through the straw and fell in. 

THRIFT

It was said of a certain village "innocent" or fool in Scotland that ifhe were offered a silver sixpence or copper penny he would invariablychoose the larger coin of smaller value. One day a stranger asked him:

"Why do you always take the penny? Don't you know the difference invalue?

"Aye, " answered the fool, "I ken the difference in value. But if I tookthe saxpence they would never try me again. "

 The Mrs. Never misses Any bargain sale, For the female of the species Is more thrifty than the male. 

MCANDREWS (the chemist, at two A. M. )--"Two penn'orth of bicarbonate ofsoda for indigestion at this time o' night, when a glass of hot waterdoes just as well!"

SANDY (hastily)--"Well, well! Thanks for the advice. I'll not bother ye, after all. Gude nicht!"

The foreman and his crew of bridgemen were striving hard to make animpression on the select board provided by Mrs. Rooney at her Arkansaseating establishment. 

"The old man sure made a funny deal down at Piney yesterday, " observedthe foreman, with a wink at the man to his right. 

"What'd he do?" asked the new man at the other end of the table. 

"Well, a year or so ago there used to be a water tank there, but theytook down the tub and brought it up to Cabin Creek. The well went dryand they covered it over. It was four or five feet round, ninety feetdeep, and plumb in the right of way. Didn't know what to do with ituntil along comes an old lollypop yesterday and gives the Old Man fivedollars for it. "

"Five dollars for what?" asked the new man. 

"Well, " continued the foreman, ignoring the interruption, "that oldlollypop borrowed two jacks from the trackmen and jacked her up out ofthere and carried her home on wheels. '

"What'd he do with it?" persisted the new man. 

"Say that old lollypop must've been a Yank. Nobody else could havefigured it out. The ground on his place is hard and he needed some morefence. So he calc'lated 'twould be easier and cheaper to saw that oldwell up into post-holes than 'twould be to dig 'em. "

A certain workman, notorious for his sponging proclivities, met a friendone morning, and opened the conversation by saying:

"Can ye len' us a match, John?"

John having supplied him with the match, the first speaker began to feelhis pockets ostentatiously, and then remarked dolefully, "Man, I seem tohave left my tobacco pouch at hame. "

John, however, was equal to the occasion, and holding out his hand, remarked:

"Aweel, ye'll no be needin' that match then. "

A Highlander was summoned to the bedside of his dying father. When hearrived the old man was fast nearing his end. For a while he remainedunconscious of his son's presence. Then at last the old man's eyesopened, and he began to murmur. The son bent eagerly to listen. 

"Dugald, " whispered the parent, "Luckie Simpson owes me five shilling. "

"Ay, man, ay, " said the son eagerly. 

"An" Dugal More owes me seven shillins. "

"Ay, " assented the son. 

"An' Hamish McCraw owes me ten shillins. "

"Sensible tae the last, " muttered the delighted heir. "Sensible tae thelast. "

Once more the voice from the bed took up the tale. 

"An', Dugald, I owe Calum Beg two pounds. "

Dugald shook his head sadly. 

"Wanderin' again, wanderin' again, " he sighed. "It's a peety. "

The canny Scot wandered into the pharmacy. 

"I'm wanting threepenn'orth o' laudanum, " he announced. 

"What for?" asked the chemist suspiciously. 

"For twopence, " responded the Scot at once. 

A Scotsman wishing to know his fate at once, telegraphed a proposal ofmarriage to the lady of his choice. After spending the entire day at thetelegraph office he was finally rewarded late in the evening by anaffirmative answer. 

"If I were you, " suggested the operator when he delivered the message, "I'd think twice before I'd marry a girl that kept me waiting all dayfor my answer. "

"Na, na, " retorted the Scot. "The lass who waits for the night rates isthe lass for me. "

"Well, yes, " said Old Uncle Lazzenberry, who was intimately acquaintedwith most of the happenstances of the village, "Almira Stang has brokenoff her engagement with Charles Henry Tootwiler. They'd be goin'together for about eight years, durin' which time she had beeninculcatin' into him, as you might call it, the beauties of economy;but when she discovered, just lately, that he had learnt his lesson sowell that he had saved up two hundred and seventeen pairs of socks forher to darn immediately after the wedding, she 'peared to conclude thathe had taken her advice a little too literally, and broke off thematch. "--_Puck_. 

They sat each at an extreme end of the horsehair sofa. They had beencourting now for something like two years, but the wide gap between hadalways been respectfully preserved. 

"A penny for your thochts, Sandy, " murmured Maggie, after a silence ofan hour and a half. 

"Weel, " replied Sandy slowly, with surprising boldness, "tae tell ye thetruth, I was jist thinkin' how fine it wad be if ye were tae gie me awee bit kissie. "

"I've nae objection, " simpered Maggie, slithering over, and kissed himplumply on the tip of his left ear. 

Sandy relapsed into a brown study once more, and the clock tickedtwenty-seven minutes. 

"An' what are ye thinkin' about noo--anither, eh?"

"Nae, nae, lassie; it's mair serious the noo. "

"Is it, laddie?" asked Maggie softly. Her heart was going pit-a-pat withexpectation. "An' what micht it be?"

"I was jist thinkin', " answered Sandy, "that it was aboot time ye werepaying me that penny!"

The coward calls himself cautious, the miser thrifty. --_Syrus_. 

There are but two ways of paying debt: increase of industry in raisingincome, increase of thrift in laying out. --_Carlyle_. 

_See also_ Economy; Saving. 

TIDES

A Kansan sat on the beach at Atlantic City watching a fair and very fatbather disporting herself in the surf. He knew nothing of tides, and hedid not notice that each succeeding wave came a little closer to hisfeet. At last an extra big wave washed over his shoe tops. 

"Hey, there!" he yelled at the fair, fat bather. "Quit yer jumpin' upand down! D'ye want to drown me?"

At a recent Confederate reunion in Charleston, S. C. , two Kentuckianswere viewing the Atlantic Ocean for the first time. 

"Say, cap'n, " said one of them, "what ought I to carry home to thechildren for a souvenir?"

"Why, colonel, it strikes me that some of this here ocean water would beright interestin'. "

"Just the thing!" exclaimed the colonel delightedly. From a rear pockethe produced a flask, and, with the aid of the captain, soon emptied it. Then, picking his way down to the water's edge, he filled it to the neckand replaced the cork. 

"Hi, there! Don't do that!" cried the captain in great alarm. "Pour outabout a third of that water. If you don't, when the tide rises she'llbust sure. "

Nae man can tether time or tide. --_Burns_. 

TIME

Mrs. Hooligan was suffering from the common complaint of having more todo than there was time to do it in. She looked up at the clock and thenslapped the iron she had lifted from the stove back on the lid with aclatter. "Talk about toime and toide waitin' fer no man, " she mutteredas she hurried into the pantry; "there's toimes they waits, an' toimesthey don't. Yistherday at this blessed minit 'twas but tin o'clock an'to-day it's a quarther to twilve. "

MRS. MURPHY--"Oi hear yer brother-in-law, Pat Keegan, is pretty badoff. "

MRS. CASEY--"Shure, he's good for a year yit. "

MRS. MURPHY--"As long as thot?"

MRS. CASEY--"Yis; he's had four different doctors, and each one av thimgive him three months to live. "--_Puck_. 

A long-winded attorney was arguing a technical case before one of thejudges of the superior court in a western state. He had rambled on insuch a desultory way that it became very difficult to follow his line ofthought, and the judge had just yawned very suggestively. 

With just a trace of sarcasm in his voice, the tiresome attorneyventured to observe: "I sincerely trust that I am not unduly trespassingon the time of this court. "

"My friend, " returned his honor, "there is a considerable differencebetween trespassing on time and encroaching upon eternity. "--_EdwinTarrisse_. 

A traveler, finding that he had a couple of hours in Dublin, called acab and told the driver to drive him around for two hours. At first allwent well, but soon the driver began to whip up his horse so that theynarrowly escaped several collisions. 

"What's the matter?" demanded the passenger. "Why are you driving sorecklessly? I'm in no hurry. "

"Ah, g'wan wid yez, " retorted the cabby. "D'ye think thot I'm goin' toput in me whole day drivin' ye around for two hours? Gitap!"

Frank comes into the house in a sorry plight. 

"Mercy on us!" exclaims his father. "How you look! You are soaked. "

"Please, papa, I fell into the canal. "

"What! with your new trousers on?"

"Yes, papa, I didn't have time to take them off. "

A well-known Bishop, while visiting at a bride's new home for the firsttime, was awakened quite early by the soft tones of a soprano voicesinging "Nearer, My God, to Thee. " As the Bishop lay in bed he meditatedupon the piety which his young hostess must possess to enable her tobegin her day's work in such a beautiful frame of mind. 

At breakfast he spoke to her about it, and told her how pleased he was. 

"Oh, " she replied, "that's the hymn I boil the eggs by; three verses forsoft and five for hard. "

 There was a young woman named Sue, Who wanted to catch the 2:02; Said the trainman, "Don't hurry Or flurry or worry; It's a minute or two to 2:02. "

FATHER--"Mildred, if you disobey again I will surely spank you. "

On father's return home that evening, Mildred once more acknowledgedthat she had again disobeyed. 

FATHER (firmly)--"You are going to be spanked. You may choose your owntime. When shall it be?"

MILDRED (five years old, thoughtfully)--"Yesterday. "

A northerner passing a rundown looking place in the South, stopped tochat with the farmer. He noticed the hogs running wild and explainedthat in the North the farmers fattened their hogs much faster byshutting them in and feeding them well. 

"Hell!" replied the southerner, "What's time to a hog. "

Dost thou love life? Then waste not time; for time is the stuff thatlife is made of. --_Benjamin Franklin_. 

 Time fleeth on, Youth soon is gone, Naught earthly may abide; Life seemeth fast, But may not last It runs as runs the tide. 

 --_Leland_. 

_See also_ Scientific management. 

TIPS

American travelers in Europe experience a great deal of trouble from theomnipresent need of tipping those from whom they expect any service, however slight. They are very apt to carry it much too far, or elseattempt to resist it altogether. There is a story told of a wealthy andostentatious American in a Parisian restaurant. As the waiter placedthe order before him he said in a loud voice:

"Waiter, what is largest tip you ever received?"

"One thousand francs, monsieur. "

"_Eh bien_! But I will give you two thousand, " answered the upholder ofAmerican honor; and then in a moment he added: "May I ask who gave youthe thousand francs?"

"It was yourself, monsieur, " said the obsequious waiter. 

Of quite an opposite mode of thought was another American visitingLondon for the first time. Goaded to desperation by the incessantnecessity for tips, he finally entered the washroom of his hotel, onlyto be faced with a large sign which read: "Please tip the basin afterusing. " "I'm hanged if I will!" said the Yankee, turning on his heel, "I'll go dirty first!"

Grant Alien relates that he was sitting one day under the shade of theSphinx, turning for some petty point of detail to his Baedeker. 

A sheik looked at him sadly, and shook his head. "Murray good, " he saidin a solemn voice of warning; "Baedeker no good. What for you seeBaedeker?"

"No, no; Baedeker is best, " answered Mr. Alien. "Why do you object toBaedeker?"

The shick crossed his hands, and looked down at him with the pityingeyes of Islam. "Baedeker bad book, " he repeated; "Murray very, verygood. Murray say, 'Give the sheik half a crown'; Baedeker say, 'Give thesheik a shilling. '"

"What do you consider the most important event in the history of Paris?"

"Well, " replied the tourist, who had grown weary of distributing tips, "so far as financial prosperity is concerned, I should say the discoveryof America was the making of this town. "

In telling this one, Miss Glaser always states that she does not want itunderstood that she considers the Scotch people at all stingy; but theyare a very careful and thrifty race. 

An intimate friend of her's was very anxious to have a well knownScotchman meet Miss Glaser, and gave her a letter of introduction tohim. Miss Glaser, wishing to show him all the attention possible, invited him to a dinner which she was giving in London and after ratheran elaborate repast the bill was paid, the waiter returning fiveshillings. She let it lie, intending, of course, to give it to thewaiter. The Scotchman glanced at the money very frequently, and finallyhe said, his natural thrift getting the best of him:

"Are you going to give all that to the waiter?"

In a inimitable way, Miss Glaser quietly replied:

"No, take some. "

"A tip is a small sum of money you give to somebody because you'reafraid he won't like not being paid for something you haven't asked himto do. "--_The Bailie, Glasgow_. 

TITLES OF HONOR AND NOBILITY

An English lord was traveling through this country with a small party offriends. At a farmhouse the owner invited the party in to supper. Thegood housewife, while preparing the table, discovering she wasentertaining nobility, was nearly overcome with surprise and elation. 

While seated at the table scarcely a moment's peace did she grant herdistinguished guest in her endeavor to serve and please him. It was "MyLord, will you have some of this?" and "My Lord, do try that, " "Take apiece of this, my Lord, " until the meal was nearly finished. 

The little four-year-old son of the family, heretofore unnoticed, duringa moment of supreme quiet saw his lordship trying to reach thepickle-dish, which was just out of his reach, and turning to his mothersaid:

"Say, Ma, God wants a pickle. "

Dean Stanley was once visiting a friend who gave one of the pages strictorders that in the morning he was to go and knock at the Dean's door, and when the Dean inquired who was knocking he was to say: "The boy, myLord. " According to directions he knocked and the Dean asked: "Who isthere?" Embarrassed by the voice of the great man the page answered:"The Lord, my boy. "

"How did he get his title of colonel?"

"He got it to distinguish him from his wife's first husband, who was acaptain, and his wife's second husband, who was a major. "

For titles do not reflect honor on men, but rather men on theirtitles. --_Machiavelli_. 

I hope I shall always possess firmness and virtue enough to maintainwhat I consider the most enviable of all titles, the character of an"Honest Man. "--_George Washington_. 

TOASTS

_See_ Drinking; Good fellowship; Woman. 

TOBACCO

"Tobaccy wanst saved my life, " said Paddy Blake, an inveterate smoker. "How was that?" inquired his companion. "Ye see, I was diggin' a well, and came up for a good smoke, and while I was up the well caved in. "

_See also_ Smoking. 

TOURISTS

_See_ Liars; Travelers. 

TRADE UNIONS

CHAIRMAN OF THE COMMITTEE--"Is this the place where you are happy allthe time?"

ST. PETER (proudly)--"It is, sir. "

"Well, I represent the union, and if we come in we can only agree to behappy eight hours a day. "

TRAMPS

LADY--"Can't you find work?"

TRAMP--"Yessum; but everyone wants a reference from my last employer. "

LADY--"And can't you get one?"

TRAMP--"No, mum. Yer see, he's been dead twenty-eight years. "

TRANSMUTATION

Fred Stone, of Montgomery and Stone fame, and Eugene Wood, whose storiesand essays are well known, met on Broadway recently. They stopped for amoment to exchange a few cheerful views, when a woman in a particularlynoticeable sheath-gown passed. Simultaneously, Wood turned to Stone;Stone turned to Wood; then both turned to rubber. 

TRAVELERS

An American tourist, who was stopping in Tokio had visited every pointof interest and had seen everything to be seen except a Shinto funeral. Finally she appealed to the Japanese clerk of the hotel, asking him toinstruct her guide to take her to one. The clerk was politeness itself. He bowed gravely and replied: "I am very sorry, Madam, but this is notthe season for funerals. "

A gentleman whose travel-talks are known throughout the world tells thefollowing on himself:

"I was booked for a lecture one night at a little place in Scotland fourmiles from a railway station. 

"The 'chairman' of the occasion, after introducing me as 'the mon wha'scoom here tae broaden oor intellects, ' said that he felt a wee bit ofprayer would not be out of place. 

"'O Lord, ' he continued, 'put it intae the heart of this mon tae speakthe truth, the hale truth, and naething but the truth, and gie us gracetae understan' him. '

"Then, with a glance at me, the chairman said, 'I've been a travelermeself!'"--_Fenimore Marlin_. 

Two young Americans touring Italy for the first time stopped off onenight at Pisa, where they fell in with a convivial party at a cafe. Going hilariously home one pushed the other against a building and heldhim there. 

"Great heavens!" cried the man next the wall, suddenly glancing up atthe structure above him. "See what we're doing!" Both roisterers fled. 

They left town on an early morning train, not thinking it safe to stayover and see the famous leaning tower. 

Mr. Hiram Jones had just returned from a personally conducted tour ofEurope. 

"I suppose, " commented a friend, "that when you were in England you didas the English do and dropped your H's. "

"No, " moodily responded the returned traveller; "I didn't. I did as theAmericans do. I dropped my V's and X's. "

Then he slowly meandered down to the bank to see if he couldn't get themortgage extended. --_W. Hanny_. 

A number of tourists were recently looking down the crater of Vesuvius. An American gentleman said to his companion. 

"That looks a good deal like the infernal regions. "

An English lady, overhearing the remark, said to another:

"Good gracious! How these Americans do travel. "

An American tourist hailing from the west was out sight-seeing inLondon. They took him aboard the old battle-ship _Victory_, which wasLord Nelson's flagship in several of his most famous naval triumphs. AnEnglish sailor escorted the American over the vessel, and coming to araised brass tablet on the deck he said, as he reverently removed hishat:

"'Ere, sir, is the spot where Lord Nelson fell. "

"Oh, is it?" replied the American, blankly. "Well, that ain't nothin'. Inearly tripped on the blame thing myself. "

On one of the famous scenic routes of the west there is a brakeman whohas lost the forefinger of his right hand. 

His present assignment as rear-end brakeman on a passenger train placeshim in the observation car, where he is the target for an almostunceasing fusillade of questions from tourists who insist upon havingthe name, and, if possible, the history, of all the mountain cañons andpoints of interest along the route. 

One especially enthusiastic lady tourist had kept up her Gattling fireof questions until she had thoroughly mastered the geography of thecountry. Then she ventured to ask the brakeman how he had lost hisfinger:

"Cut off in making a coupling between cars, I suppose?"

"No, madam; I wore that finger off pointing out scenery to tourists. "

Know most of the rooms of thy native country before thou goest over thethreshold thereof. --_Fuller_. 

When I was at home, I was in a better place; but travelers must becontent. --_Shakespeare_. 

As the Spanish proverb says, "He who would bring home the wealth of theIndies must carry the wealth of the Indies with him. " So it is intraveling: a man must carry knowledge with him, if he would bring homeknowledge. --_Samuel Johnson_. 

TREASON

It was during the Parnell agitation in Ireland that an anti-Parnellite, criticising the ways of tenants in treating absentee landlords, exclaimed to Archbishop Ryan of Philadelphia: "Why, it looks very muchlike treason. "

Instantly came the answer in the Archbishop's best brogue: "Sure, treason is reason when there's an absent 't'. "

 Treason doth never prosper: what's the reason? Why if it prosper, none dare call it treason. 

TREES

CURIOUS CHARLEY--"Do nuts grow on trees, father?"

FATHER--"They do, my son. "

CURIOUS CHARLEY--"Then what tree does the doughnut grow on?"

FATHER--"The pantry, my son. "

TRIGONOMETRY

A prisoner was brought before a police magistrate. He looked around anddiscovered that his clerk was absent. "Here, officer, " he said, "what'sthis man charged with?"

"Bigotry, your Honor, " replied the policeman. "He's got three wives. "

The magistrate looked at the officer as though astounded at suchignorance. "Why, officer, " he said, "that's not bigotry--that'strigonometry. "

TROUBLE

"What is the trouble, wifey?"

"Nothing. "

"Yes, there is. What are you crying about, something that happened athome or something that happened in a novel?"

It was married men's night at the revival meeting. 

"Let all you husbands who have troubles on your minds stand up!" shoutedthe preacher at the height of his spasm. 

Instantly every man in the church arose except one. 

"Ah!" exclaimed the preacher, peering out at this lone individual, whooccupied a chair near the door. "You are one in a million. "

"It ain't that, " piped back this one helplessly as the rest of thecongregation gazed suspiciously at him: "I can't get up--I'm paralyzed!"

JUDGE--"Your innocence is proved. You are acquitted. "

PRISONER (to the jury)--"Very sorry, indeed, gentlemen, to have givenyou all this trouble for nothing. "

A friend of mine, returning to his home in Virginia after several years'absence, met one of the old negroes, a former servant of his family. "Uncle Moses, " he said, "I hear you got married. "

"Yes, Marse Tom, I is, and I's having a moughty troublesome time, MarseTom, moughty troublesome. "

"What's the trouble?" said my friend. 

"Why, dat yaller woman, Marse Tom. She all de time axin' me fer money. She don't give me no peace. "

"How long have you been married, Uncle Moses?"

"Nigh on ter two years, come dis spring. "

"And how much money have you given her?"

"Well, I ain't done gin her none yit. "--_Sue M. M. Halsey_. 

If you want to forget all your other troubles, wear tight shoes. 

Never bear more than one kind of trouble at a time. Some people bearthree--all they have had, all they have now, and all they expect tohave. --_Edward Everett Hale_. 

TRUSTS

A trust is known by the companies it keeps. --_Ellis O. Jones_. 

TOMPKINS--"Ventley has received a million dollars for his patent eggdating machine. You know it is absolutely interference-proof, and datescorrectly and indelibly as the egg is being laid. "

DEWLEY--"Is the machine on the market yet?"

TOMKINS--"Oh, my no! and it won't be on the market. The patent wasbought by the Cold Storage Trust. "

TRUTH

 There was a young lady named Ruth, Who had a great passion for truth. She said she would die Before she would lie, And she died in the prime of her youth. 

Women do not really like to deceive their husbands, but they are tootender-hearted to make them unhappy by telling them the truth. 

Nature . . . Has buried truth deep in the bottom of thesea. --_Democritus_. 

"Tis strange--but true; for truth is always strange, Stranger thanfiction. "--_Byron_. 

TURKEYS

"Ah, " says the Christmas guest. "How I wish I could sit down to aChristmas dinner with one of those turkeys we raised on the farm, when Iwas a boy, as the central figure!"

"Well, " says the host, "you never can tell. This may be one ofthem. "--_Life_. 

TUTORS

 A tutor who tooted a flute Tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, "Is it harder to toot, or To tutor two tutors to toot?"

 --_Carolyn Wells_. 

TWINS

"Faith, Mrs. O'Hara, how d' ye till thim twins aparrt?"

"Aw, 't is aisy--I sticks me finger in Dinnis's mouth, an' if he bites Iknow it's Moike. "--_Harvard Lampoon_. 

UMBRELLAS

A man left his umbrella in the stand in a hotel recently, with a cardbearing the following inscription attached to it: "This umbrella belongsto a man who can deal a blow of 250 pounds weight. I shall be back inten minutes. " On returning to seek his property he found in its place acard thus inscribed: "This card was left here by a man who can runtwelve miles an hour. I shall not be back. "

A reputable citizen had left four umbrellas to be repaired. At noon hehad luncheon in a restaurant, and as he was departing he absent-mindedlystarted to take an umbrella from a hook near his hat. 

"That's mine, sir, " said a woman at the next table. 

He apologized and went out. When he was going home in a street car withhis four repaired umbrellas, the woman he had seen in the restaurant gotin. She glanced from him to his umbrellas and said:

"I see you had a good day. "

"That's a swell umbrella you carry. "

"Isn't it?"

"Did you come by it honestly?"

"I haven't quite figured out. It started to rain the other day and Istepped into a doorway to wait till it stopped. Then I saw a youngfellow coming along with a nice large umbrella, and I thought if he wasgoing as far as my house I would beg the shelter of his timbershoot. SoI stepped out and asked: 'Where are you going with that umbrella, youngfellow?' and he dropped the umbrella and ran. "

One day a man exhibited a handsome umbrella. "It's wonderful how I makethings last, " he exclaimed. "Look at this umbrella, now. I bought iteleven years ago. Since then I had it recovered twice. I had new ribsput in in 1910, and last month I exchanged it for a new one in arestaurant. And here it is--as good as new. "

VALUE

"The trouble with father, " said the gilded youth, "is that he has noidea of the value of money. "

"You don't mean to imply that he is a spendthrift?"

"Not at all. But he puts his money away and doesn't appear to have anyappreciation of all the things he might buy with it. "

VANITY

MCGORRY--"I'll buy yez no new hat, d' yez moind thot? Ye are vain enoughahlriddy. "

MRS. MCGORRY--"Me vain? Oi'm not! Shure, Oi don't t'ink mesilf half asgood lookin' as Oi am. "

"Of course, " said a suffragette lecturer, "I admit that women are vainand men are not. There are a thousand proofs that this is so. Why, thenecktie of the handsomest man in the room is even now up the back of hiscollar. " There were six men present and each of them put his hand gentlybehind his neck. 

A New York woman of great beauty called one day upon a friend, bringingwith her her eleven-year-old daughter, who gives promise of becoming asgreat a beauty as her mother. 

It chanced that the callers were shown into a room where the friend hadbeen receiving a milliner, and there were several beautiful hats lyingabout. During the conversation the little girl amused herself byexamining the milliner's creations. Of the number that she tried on, sheseemed particularly pleased with a large black affair which set off herlight hair charmingly. Turning to her mother, the little girl said:

"I look just like you now, Mother, don't I?"

"Sh!" cautioned the mother, with uplifted finger. "Don't be vain, dear. "

That which makes the vanity of others unbearable to us is that whichwounds our own. --_La Rochefoucauld_. 

VERSATILITY

A clergyman who advertised for an organist received this reply:

 "_Dear Sir_:

 "I notice you have a vacancy for an organist and music teacher, either lady or gentleman. Having been both for several years I beg to apply for the position. "

VOICE

A lanky country youth entered the crossroads general store to order somegroceries. He was seventeen years old and was passing through that stageof adolescence during which a boy seems all hands and feet, and hisvocal organs, rapidly developing, are wont to cause his voice to undergosudden and involuntary changes from high treble to low bass. 

In an authoritative rumbling bass voice he demanded of the busy clerk, "Give me a can of corn" (then, his voice suddenly changing to a shrillfalsetto, he continued) "and a sack of flour. "

"Well, don't be in a hurry. I can't wait on both of you at once, "snapped the clerk. 

ASPIRING VOCALIST--"Professor, do you think I will ever be able to doanything with my voice?"

PERSPIRING TEACHER--"Well it might come in handy in case of fire orshipwreck. "--_Cornell Widow_. 

 The devil hath not, in all his quiver's choice, An arrow for the heart like a sweet voice. 

 --_Byron_. 

WAGES

"Me gotta da good job, " said Pictro, as he gave the monkey a little moreline after grinding out on his organ a selection from "Santa Lucia. ""Getta forty dollar da month and eata myself; thirty da month if da bosseata me. "

Commenting on the comparatively small salaries allowed by Congress forservices rendered in the executive branch of the Government and the moreliberal pay of some of the officials, a man in public life said:

"It reminds me of the way a gang of laborers used to be paid down myway. The money was thrown at a ladder, and what stuck to the rungs wentto the workers, while that which fell through went to the bosses. "

A certain prominent lawyer of Toronto is in the habit of lecturing hisoffice staff from the junior partner down, and Tommy, the office boy, comes in for his full share of the admonition. That his words wereappreciated was made evident to the lawyer by a conversation betweenTommy and another office boy on the same floor which he recentlyoverheard. 

"Wotcher wages?" asked the other boy. 

"Ten thousand a year, " replied Tommy. 

"Aw, g'wan!"

"Sure, " insisted Tommy, unabashed. "Four dollars a week in cash, an' derest in legal advice. "

While an Irishman was gazing in the window of a Washington bookstore thefollowing sign caught his eye:

 DICKENS' WORKS ALL THIS WEEK FOR ONLY $4. OO

"The divvle he does!" exclaimed Pat in disgust. "The dirty scab!"

The difference between wages and salary is--when you receive wages yousave two dollars a month, when you receive salary you borrow two dollarsa month. 

He is well paid that is well satisfied. --_Shakespeare_. 

The ideal social state is not that in which each gets an equal amount ofwealth, but in which each gets in proportion to his contribution to thegeneral stock. --_Henry George_. 

WAITERS

Recipe for a waiter:

 Stuff a hired dress-suit case with an effort to please, Add a half-dozen stumbles and trips; Remove his right thumb from the cranberry sauce, Roll in crumbs, melted butter and tips. 

 --_Life_. 

WAR

"Flag of truce, Excellency. "

"Well, what do the revolutionists want?"

"They would like to exchange a couple of Generals for a can of condensedmilk. "

If you favor war, dig a trench in your backyard, fill it half full ofwater, crawl into it, and stay there for a day or two without anythingto eat, get a lunatic to shoot at you with a brace of revolvers and amachine gun, and you will have something just as good, and you will saveyour country a great deal of expense. 

"Who are those people who are cheering?" asked the recruit as thesoldiers marched to the train. 

"Those, " replied the veteran, "are the people who are notgoing. "--_Puck_. 

 He who did well in war, just earns the right To begin doing well in peace. 

 --_Robert Browning_. 

A great and lasting war can never be supported on this principle[patriotism] alone. It must be aided by a prospect of interest, or somereward. --_George Washington_. 

_See also_ Arbitration, International; European War. 

WARNINGS

Pietro had drifted down to Florida and was working with a gang atrailroad construction. He had been told to beware of rattlesnakes, butassured that they would always give the warning rattle before striking. 

One hot day he was eating his noon luncheon on a pine log when he saw abig rattler coiled a few feet in front of him. He eyed the serpent andbegan to lift his legs over the log. He had barely got them out of theway when the snake's fangs hit the bark beneath him. 

"Son of a guna!" yelled Pietro. "Why you no ringa da bell?"

WASHINGTON, GEORGE

A Barnegat schoolma'am had been telling her pupils something aboutGeorge Washington, and finally she asked:

"Can any one now tell me which Washington was--a great general or agreat admiral?"

The small son of a fisherman raised his hand, and she signaled him tospeak. 

"He was a great general, " said the boy. "I seen a picture of himcrossing the Delaware, and no great admiral would put out from shorestanding up in a skiff. "

A Scotsman visiting America stood gazing at a fine statue of GeorgeWashington, when an American approached. 

"That was a great and good man, Sandy, " said the American; "a lie neverpassed his lips. "

"Weel, " said the Scot, "I praysume he talked through his nose like therest of ye. "

WASPS

The wasp cannot speak, but when he says "Drop it, " in his own inimitableway, neither boy nor man shows any remarkable desire to hold on. 

WASTE

The automobile rushed down the road--huge, gigantic, sublime. Over thefence hung the woman who works hard and long-her husband is at the cafeand she has thirteen little ones. (An unlucky number. ) Suddenly upon thethirteenth came the auto, unseeing, slew him, and hummed on, unknowing. The woman who works hard and long rushed forward with hands, hands maderough by toil, upraised. She paused and stood inarticulate--a goddess, a giantess. Then she hurled forth these words of derision, of despair:"Mon Dieu! And I'd just washed him!"--_Literally translated from LeSport of Paris_. 

A Boston physician tells of the case of a ten-year-old boy, who, byreason of an attack of fever, became deaf. The physician could affordthe lad but little relief, so the boy applied himself to the task oflearning the deaf-and-dumb alphabet. The other members of his family, too, acquired a working knowledge of the alphabet, in order that theymight converse with the unfortunate youngster. 

During the course of the next few months, however, Tommy's hearingsuddenly returned to him, assisted no doubt by a slight operationperformed by the physician. 

Every one was, of course, delighted, particularly the boy's mother, whoone day exclaimed:

"Oh, Tommy, isn't it delightful to talk to and hear us again?"

"Yes, " assented Tommy, but with a degree of hesitation; "but here we'veall learned the sign language, and we can't find any more use for it!"

WEALTH

If you want to make a living you have to work for it, while if you wantto get rich you must go about it in some other way. 

The traditional fool and his money are lucky ever to have got togetherin the first place. --_Puck_. 

He that is proud of riches is a fool. For if he be exalted above hisneighbors because he hath more gold, how much inferior is he to a goldmine!--_Jeremy Taylor_. 

WEATHER

"How did you find the weather in London?" asked the friend of thereturned traveler. 

"You don't have to find the weather in London, " replied the traveler. "It bumps into you at every corner. "

An American and a Scotsman were discussing the cold experienced inwinter in the North of Scotland. 

"Why, it's nothing at all compared to the cold we have in the States, "said the American. "I can recollect one winter when a sheep, jumpingfrom a hillock into a field, became suddenly frozen on the way, andstuck in the air like a mass of ice. "

"But, man, " exclaimed the Scotsman, "the law of gravity wouldn't allowthat. "

"I know that, " replied the tale-pitcher. "But the law of gravity wasfrozen, too!"

Two commercial travelers, one from London and one from New York, werediscussing the weather in their respective countries. 

The Englishman said that English weather had one great fault--its suddenchanges. 

"A person may take a walk one day, " he said, "attired in a light summersuit, and still feel quite warm. Next day he needs an overcoat. "

"That's nothing, " said the American. "My two friends, Johnson and Jones, were once having an argument. There were eight or nine inches of snow onthe ground. The argument got heated, and Johnson picked up a snowballand threw it at Jones from a distance of not more than five yards. During the transit of that snowball, believe me or not, as you like, theweather changed and became hot and summer like, and Jones, instead ofbeing hit with a snowball, was--er--scalded with hot water!"

Ex-President Taft on one of his trips was playing golf on a westernlinks when he noticed that he had a particularly good caddie, an old manof some sixty years, as they have on the Scottish links. 

"And what do you do in winter?" asked the President. 

"Such odd jobs as I can pick up, sir, " replied the man. 

"Not much chance for caddying then, I suppose?" asked the President. 

"No, sir, there is not, " replied the man with a great deal of warmth. "When there's no frost there's sure to be snow, and when there's nosnow there's frost, and when there's neither there's sure to be rain. And the few days when it's fine they're always Sundays. "

On the way to the office of his publishers one crisp fall morning, JamesWhitcomb Riley met an unusually large number of acquaintances whocommented conventionally upon the fine weather. This unremittingapplause amused him. When greeted at the office with "Nice day, Mr. Riley, " he smiled broadly. 

"Yes, " he agreed. "Yes, I've heard it very highly spoken of. "

The darky in question had simmered in the heat of St. Augustine all hislife, and was decoyed by the report that colored men could make as muchas $4 a day in Duluth. 

He headed North in a seersucker suit and into a hard winter. At Chicago, while waiting for a train, he shivered in an engine room, and on the wayto Duluth sped by miles of snow fields. 

On arriving he found the mercury at 18 below and promptly lost the useof his hands. Then his feet stiffened and he lost all sensation. 

They picked him up and took him to a crematory for unknown dead. Afterhe had been in the oven for awhile somebody opened the door forinspection. Rastus came to and shouted:

"Shut dat do' and close dat draff!"

 There was a small boy in Quebec, Who was buried in snow to his neck; When they said, "Are you friz?" He replied, "Yes, I is-- But we don't call this cold in Quebec. "

 --_Rudyard Kipling_. 

Sunshine is delicious, rain is refreshing, wind braces up, snow isexhilarating; there is really no such thing as bad weather, onlydifferent kinds of good weather. --_Ruskin_. 

WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES

Uncle Ephraim had put on a clean collar and his best coat, and waswalking majestically up and down the street. 

"Aren't you working to-day, Uncle?" asked somebody. 

"No, suh. I'se celebrating' mah golden weddin' suh. "

"You were married fifty years ago to-day, then!"

"Yes, suh. "

"Well, why isn't your wife helping you to celebrate?"

"Mah present wife, suh, " replied Uncle Ephraim with dignity, "ain't gotnothin' to do with it. "

WEDDING PRESENTS

Among the presents lately showered upon a dusky bride in a rural sectionof Virginia, was one that was a gift of an old woman with whom bothbride and groom were great favorites. 

Some time ago, it appears, the old woman accumulated a supply ofcardboard mottoes, which she worked and had framed as occasion arose. 

So it happened that in a neat combination of blues and reds, suspendedby a cord of orange, there hung over the table whereon the otherpresents were displayed for the delectation of the wedding guests, thismotto:

 FIGHT ON; FIGHT EVER. 

WEDDINGS

An actor who was married recently for the third time, and whose bridehad been married once before, wrote across the bottom of the weddinginvitations: "Be sure and come; this is no amateur performance. "

A wealthy young woman from the west was recently wedded to a member ofthe nobility of England, and the ceremony occurred in the mostfashionable of London churches--St. George's. 

Among the guests was a cousin of the bride, as sturdy an American as canbe imagined. He gave an interesting summary of the wedding when asked bya girl friend whether the marriage was a happy one. 

"Happy? I should say it was, " said the cousin. "The bride was happy, hermother was overjoyed, Lord Stickleigh, the groom, was in ecstasies, andhis creditors, I understand, were in a state of absolute bliss. "--_EdwunTarrisse_. 

The best man noticed that one of the wedding guests, a gloomy-lookingyoung man, did not seem to be enjoying himself. He was wandering aboutas though he had lost his last friend. The best man took it upon himselfto cheer him up. 

"Er--have you kissed the bride?" he asked by way of introduction. 

"Not lately, " replied the gloomy one with a far-away expression. 

The curate of a large and fashionable church was endeavoring to teachthe significance of white to a Sunday-school class. 

"Why, " said he, "does a bride invariably desire to be clothed in whiteat her marriage?"

As no one answered, he explained. "White, " said he, "stands for joy, andthe wedding-day is the most joyous occasion of a woman's life. "

A small boy queried, "Why do the men all wear black?"--_M. J. Moor_. 

Lilly May came to her mistress. "Ah would like a week's vacation, MissAnnie, " she said, in her soft negro accent; "Ah wants to be married. "

Lillie had been a good girl, so her mistress gave her the week'svacation, a white dress, a veil and a plum-cake. 

Promptly at the end of the week Lillie returned, radiant. "Oh, MissAnnie!" she exclaimed, "Ah was the mos' lovely bride! Ma dress waspcrfec', ma veil mos' lovely, the cake mos' good! An' oh, the dancin'an' the eatin'!"

"Well, Lillie, this sounds delightful, " said her mistress, "but you haveleft out the point of your story--I hope you have a good husband. "

Lillie's tone changed to indignation: "Now, Miss Annie, what yo' think?Tha' darn nigger nebber turn up!"

There is living in Illinois a solemn man who is often funny withoutmeaning to be. At the time of his wedding, he lived in a town somedistance from the home of the bride. The wedding was to be at her house. On the eventful day the solemn man started for the station, but on theway met the village grocer, who talked so entertainingly that thebridegroom missed his train. 

Naturally he was in a "state. " Something must be done, and done quickly. So he sent the following telegram:

 Don't marry till I come. --HENRY. 

--_Howard, Morse_. 

In all the wedding cake, hope is the sweetest of the plums. --_DouglasJerrold_. 

WEIGHTS AND MEASURES

"Didn't I tell ye to feed that cat a pound of meat every day until yehad her fat?" demanded an Irish shopkeeper, nodding toward a sickly, emaciated cat that was slinking through the store. 

"Ye did thot, " replied the assistant, "an" I've just been after feedin'her a pound of meat this very minute. "

"Faith, an' I don't believe ye. Bring me the scales. "

The poor cat was lifted into the scales. Thy balancd at exactly onepound. 

"There!" exclaimed the assistant triumphantly. "Didn't I tell ye she'dhad her pound of meat?"

"That's right, " admitted the boss, scratching his head. "That's yerpound of meat all right. But"--suddenly looking up--"where the divvil isthe cat?"

WELCOMES

When Ex-President Taft was on his transcontinental tour, American flagsand Taft pictures were in evidence everywhere. Usually the Taft picturescontained a word of welcome under them. Those who heard the President'slaugh ring out will not soon forget the western city which, directlyunder the barred window of the city lockup, displayed a Taft picturewith the legend "Welcome" on it. --_Hugh Morist_. 

 Come in the evening, or come in the morning, Come when you're looked for, or come without warning, Kisses and welcome you'll find here before you, And the oftener you come here the more I'll adore you. 

 --_Thomas O. Davis_. 

WEST, THE

EASTERN LADY (traveling in Montana)--"The idea of calling this the'Wild-West'! Why, I never saw such politeness anywhere. "

COWBOY--"We're allers perlite to ladies, ma'am. "

EASTERN LADY--"Oh, as for that, there is plenty of politenesseverywhere. But I refer to the men. Why, in New York the men behavehorribly towards one another; but here they treat one another asdelicately as gentlemen in a drawing-room. "

COWBOY--"Yes, ma'am; it's safer. "--_Abbie C. Dixon_. 

WHISKY

This is from an Irish priest's sermon, as quoted in Samuel M. Hussey's"Reminiscences of an Irish Land Agent": "'It's whisky makes you bateyour wives; it's whisky makes your homes desolate; it's whisky makes youshoot your landlords, and'--with emphasis, as he thumped thepulpit--'it's whisky makes you miss them. '"

In a recent trial of a "bootlegger" in western Kentucky a witnesstestified that he had purchased some "squirrel" whisky from thedefendant. 

"Squirrel whisky?" questioned the court. 

"Yes, you know: the kind that makes you talk nutty and want to climbtrees. "

General Carter, who went to Texas in command of the regulars sent southfor maneuvers along the Mexican border, tells this story of an old Irishsoldier: The march had been a long and tiresome one, and as the bivouacwas being made for the night, the captain noticed that Pat was lookingvery much fatigued. Thinking that a small drop of whisky might do himgood, the captain called Pat aside and said, "Pat, will you have a weedrink of whisky?" Pat made no answer, but folded his arms in areverential manner and gazed upward. The captain repeated the questionseveral times, but no answer from Pat, who stood silent and motionless, gazing devoutly into the sky. Finally the captain, taking him by theshoulder and giving him a vigorous shake said: "Pat, why don't youanswer? I said, 'Pat, will you have a drink of whisky?'" After lookingaround in considerable astonishment Pat replied: "And is it yez, captain? Begorrah and I thought it was an angel spakin' to me. "

_See_ also Drinking. 

WHISKY BREATH

_See_ Breath. 

WIDOWS

During the course of conversation between two ladies in a hotel parlorone said to the other: "Are you married?" "No, I am not, " replied theother. "Are you?"

"No, " was the reply, "I, too, am on the single list, " adding: "Strangethat two such estimable women as ourselves should have been overlookedin the great matrimonial market! Now that lady, " pointing to another whowas passing, "has been widowed four times, two of her husbands havingbeen cremated. The woman, " she continued, "is plain and uninteresting, and yet she has them to burn. "

WIND

VISITOR--"What became of that other windmill that was here last year?"

NATIVE--"There was only enough wind for one, so we took it down. "

 Whichever way the wind doth blow Some heart is glad to have it so; Then blow it east, or blow it west, The wind that blows, that wind is best. 

 --_Caroline A. Mason_. 

WINDFALLS

A Nebraska man was carried forty miles by a cyclone and dropped in awidow's front yard. He married the widow and returned home worth about$30, 000 more than when he started. 

WINE

 When our thirsty souls we steep, Every sorrow's lull'd to sleep. Talk of monarchs! we are then Richest, happiest, first of men. 

 When I drink, my heart refines And rises as the cup declines; Rises in the genial flow, That none but social spirits know. 

 To-day we'll haste to quaff our wine, As if to-morrow ne'er should shine; But if to-morrow comes, why then-- We'll haste to quaff our wine again. 

 Let me, oh, my budding vine, Spill no other blood than thine. Yonder brimming goblet see, That alone shall vanquish me. 

 I pray thee, by the gods above, Give me the mighty howl I love, And let me sing, in wild delight. "I will--I will be mad to-night!"

 When Father Time swings round his scythe, Intomb me 'neath the bounteous vine, So that its juices red and blythe, May cheer these thirsty bones of mine. 

 --_Eugene Field_. 

_See also_ Drinking. 

WISHES

George Washington drew a long sigh and said: "Ah wish Ah had a hundredwatermillions. "

Dixie's eyes lighted. "Hum! Dat would suttenly be fine! An' ef yo' had ahundred watermillions would yo' gib me fifty?"

"No, Ah wouldn't. "

"Wouldn't yo' give me twenty-five?"

"No, Ah wouldn't gib yo' no twenty-five. "

Dixie gaxed with reproachful eyes at his close-fisted friend. "Seems tome, you's powahful stingy, George Washington, " he said, and thencontinued in a heartbroken voice. "Wouldn't yo' gib me one?"

"No, Ah wouldn't gib yo' one. Look a' heah, nigger! Are yo' so good fornuffen lazy dat yo' cahn't wish fo' yo' own watermillions?"

 "Man wants but little here below Nor wants that little long, " 'Tis not with me exactly so; But'tis so in the song. My wants are many, and, if told, Would muster many a score; And were each a mint of gold, I still should long for more. 

 --_John Quincy Adams_. 

WITNESSES

"The trouble is, " said Wilkins as he talked the matter over with hiscounsel, "that in the excitement of the moment I admitted that I hadbeen going too fast, and wasn't paying any attention to the road justbefore the collision. I'm afraid that admission is going to provecostly. "

"Don't wory about that, " said his lawyer. "I'll bring seven witnessesto testify that they wouldn't believe you under oath. "

On his eighty-fourth birthday, Paul Smith, the veteran Adirondockhotel-keeper, who started life as a guide and died owning a milliondollars' worth of forest land, was talking about boundary disputeswith an old friend. 

"Didn't you hear of the lawsuit over a title that I had with Jonesdown in Malone last summer?" asked Paul. The friend had not heard. 

"Well, " said Paul, "it was this way. I sat in the court room beforethe case opened with my witnesses around me. Jones busted in, stopped, looked my witnesses over carefully, and said: 'Paul, are those yourwitnesses?' 'They are, ' said I. 'Then you win, ' said he. 'I've hadthem witnesses twice myself. '"

WIVES

"Father, " said a little boy, "had Solomon seven hundred wives?"

"I believe so, my son, " said the father. 

"Well, father, was he the man who said, 'Give me liberty or give medeath?'"--_Town Topics_. 

A charitable lady was reading the Old Testament to an aged woman wholived at the home for old people, and chanced upon the passageconcerning Solomon's household. 

"Had Solomon really seven hundred wives?" inquired the old woman, after reflection. 

"Oh, yes, Mary! It is so stated in the Bible. "

"Lor', mum!" was the comment. "What privileges them early Christianshad!"

CASEY--"Now, phwat wu'u'd ye do in a case loike thot?"

CLANCY--"Loike phwat?"

CASEY--"Th' walkin' diligate tils me to stroike, an' me ould womanorders me to ke-ape on wurrkin'. "

Governor Vardaman, of Mississippi, was taken to task because he hadmade a certain appointment, a friend maintaining that another manshould have received the place. The governor listened quietly and thensaid:

"Did I ever tell you about Mose Williams? One day Mose sought hisemployer, an acquaintance of mine, and inquired:

"'Say, boss, is yo' gwine to town t'morrer?'

"'I think so. Why?'

"'Well, hit's dishaway. Me an' Easter Johnson's gwine to git mahred, an' Ah 'lowed to ax yo' ter git a pair of licenses fo' me. "

"I shall be delighted to oblige you, Mose, and I hope you will be veryhappy. "

"The next day when the gentleman rode up to his house the old man waswaiting for him. 

"'Did you git 'em, boss?" he inquired eagerly. 

"'Yes, here they are. '

"Mose looked at them ruefully, shaking his head. 'Ah'm po'ful sorryyo' got 'em, boss!'

"'Whats the matter? Has Easter gone back on you?'

"'It ain't dat, boss. Ah done changed mah min. ' Ah'm gwine to mahrySophie Coleman, dat freckled-faced yaller girl what works up to Mis'Mason's, for she sholy can cook!'

"Well, I'll try and have the name changed for you, but it will costyou fifty cents more. '

"Mose assented, somewhat dubiously, and the gentleman had the changemade. Again he found Mose waiting for him. 

"'Wouldn't change hit, boss, would he?'

"'Certainly he changed it. I simply had to pay him the fifty cents. '

"'Ah was hopin' he wouldn't do it. Mah min's made up to mahry EasterJohnson after all. '

"'You crazy nigger, you don't know what you do want. What made youchange your mind again?'

"'Well, boss, Ah been thinkin' it over an' Ah jes' 'lowed dar wasn'tfifty cents wuth ob diff'runce in dem two niggers. '"

A wife is a woman who is expected to purchase without means, and sewon buttons before they come off. 

"What are you cutting out of the paper?"

"About a California man securing a divorce because his wife wentthrough his pockets. "

"What are you going to do with it?"

"Put it in my pocket. "

A woman missionary in China was taking tea with a mandarin's eightwives. The Chinese ladies examined her clothing, her hair, her teeth, and so on, but her feet especially amazed them. 

"Why, " cried one, "you can walk or run as well as a man!"

"Yes, to be sure, " said the missionary. 

"Can you ride a horse and swim, too?"

"Yes. "

"Then you must be as strong as a man!"

"I am. "

"And you wouldn't let a man beat you--not even if he was yourhusband--would you?"

"Indeed I wouldn't, " the missionary said. 

The mandarin's eight wives looked at one another, nodding their heads. Then the oldest said softly:

"Now I understand why the foreign devil never has more than one wife. He is afraid!"--_Western Christian Advocate_. 

PAT--"I hear your woife is sick, Moike. "

MIKE--"She is thot. "

PAT--"Is it dangerous she is?"

MIKE--"Divil a bit. She's too weak to be dangerous any more!"

SON--"Say, mama, father broke this vase before he went out. "

MOTHER--"My beautiful majolica vase! Wait till he comes back, that'sall. "

SON--"May I stay up till he does?"

"Because a fellow has six talking machines, " said the boarder whowants to be an end man, "it doesn't follow that he is a Mormon. "

It was a wizened little man who appeared before the judge and chargedhis wife with cruel and abusive treatment. His better half was a big, square-jawed woman with a determined eye. 

"In the first place, where did you meet this woman who, according toyour story, has treated you so dreadfully?" asked the judge. 

"Well, " replied the little man, making a brave attempt to glaredefiantly at his wife, "I never did meet her. She just kind ofovertook me. "

"Harry, love, " exclaimed Mrs. Knowall to her husband, on his returnone evening from the office, "I have b-been d-dreadfully insulted!"

"Insulted?" exclaimed Harry, love. "By whom?"

"B-by your m-mother, " answered the young wife, bursting into tears. 

"My mother, Flora? Nonsense! She's miles away!"

Flora dried her tears. 

"I'll tell you all about it, Harry, love, " she said. "A letter came toyou this morning, addressed in your mother's writing, so, of course, I--I opened it. "

"Of course, " repeated Harry, love, dryly. 

"It--it was written to you all the way through. Do you understand?"

"I understand. But where does the insult to you come in?"

"It--it came in the p-p-postscript, " cried the wife, bursting intofresh floods of briny. "It s-said: 'P-P-P. S. --D-dear Flora, d-don'tf-fail to give this l-letter to Harry. I w-want him to have it. '""'Did you git 'em, boss?" he inquired eagerly. 

"'Yes, here they are. '

"Mose looked at them ruefully, shaking his head. 'Ah'm po'ful sorryyo' got 'em, boss!'

"'Whats the matter? Has Easter gone back on you?'

"'It ain't dat, boss. Ah done changed mah min. ' Ah'm gwine to mahrySophie Coleman, dat freckled-faced yaller girl what works up to Mis'Mason's, for she sholy can cook!'

"Well, I'll try and have the name changed for you, but it will costyou fifty cents more. '

"Mose assented, somewhat dubiously, and the gentleman had the changemade. Again he found Mose waiting for him. 

"'Wouldn't change hit, boss, would he?'

"'Certainly he changed it. I simply had to pay him the fifty cents. '

"'Ah was hopin' he wouldn't do it. Mah min's made up to mahry EasterJohnson after all. '

"'You crazy nigger, you don't know what you do want. What made youchange your mind again?'

"'Well, boss, Ah been thinkin' it over an' Ah jes' 'lowed dar wasn'tfifty cents wuth ob diff'runce in dem two niggers. '"

A wife is a woman who is expected to purchase without means, and sewon buttons before they come off. 

"What are you cutting out of the paper?"

"About a California man securing a divorce because his wife wentthrough his pockets. "

"What are you going to do with it?"

"Put it in my pocket. "

A woman missionary in China was taking tea with a mandarin's eightwives. The Chinese ladies examined her clothing, her hair, her teeth, and so on, but her feet especially amazed them. 

"Why, " cried one, "you can walk or run as well as a man!"

"Yes, to be sure, " said the missionary. 

"Can you ride a horse and swim, too?"

"Yes. "

"Then you must be as strong as a man!"

"I am. "

"And you wouldn't let a man beat you--not even if he was yourhusband--would you?"

"Indeed I wouldn't, " the missionary said. 

The mandarin's eight wives looked at one another, nodding their heads. Then the oldest said softly:

"Now I understand why the foreign devil never has more than one wife. He is afraid!"--_Western Christian Advocate_. 

PAT--"I hear your woife is sick, Moike. "

MIKE--"She is thot. "

PAT--"Is it dangerous she is?"

MIKE--"Divil a bit. She's too weak to be dangerous any more!"

SON--"Say, mama, father broke this vase before he went out. "

MOTHER--"My beautiful majolica vase! Wait till he comes back, that'sall. "

SON--"May I stay up till he does?"

"Because a fellow has six talking machines, " said the boarder whowants to be an end man, "it doesn't follow that he is a Mormon. "

It was a wizened little man who appeared before the judge and chargedhis wife with cruel and abusive treatment. His better half was a big, square-jawed woman with a determined eye. 

"In the first place, where did you meet this woman who, according toyour story, has treated you so dreadfully?" asked the judge. 

"Well, " replied the little man, making a brave attempt to glaredefiantly at his wife, "I never did meet her. She just kind ofovertook me. "

"Harry, love, " exclaimed Mrs. Knowall to her husband, on his returnone evening from the office, "I have b-been d-dreadfully insulted!"

"Insulted?" exclaimed Harry, love. "By whom?"

"B-by your m-mother, " answered the young wife, bursting into tears. 

"My mother, Flora? Nonsense! She's miles away!"

Flora dried her tears. 

"I'll tell you all about it, Harry, love, " she said. "A letter came toyou this morning, addressed in your mother's writing, so, of course, I--I opened it. "

"Of course, " repeated Harry, love, dryly. 

"It--it was written to you all the way through. Do you understand?"

"I understand. But where does the insult to you come in?"

"It--it came in the p-p-postscript, " cried the wife, bursting intofresh floods of briny. "It s-said: 'P-P-P. S. --D-dear Flora, d-don'tf-fail to give this l-letter to Harry. I w-want him to have it. '"

"By jove, I left my purse under the pillow!"

"Oh, well, your servant is honest, isn't she?"

"That's just it. She'll take it to my wife. "

 There swims no goose so gray, but soon or late She finds some honest gander for her mate. 

 --_Pope_. 

A clerk showed forty patterns of ginghams to a man whose wife had senthim to buy some for her for Christmas, and at every pattern the mansaid: "My wife said she didn't want anything like that. "

The clerk put the last piece back on the shelf. "Sir, " he said, "youdon't want gingham. What you want is a divorce. "

Maids are May when they are maids, but the sky changes when they arewives. --_Shakespeare_. 

 In the election of a wife, as in A project of war, to err but once is To be undone forever. 

 --_Thomas Middleton_. 

 Of earthly goods, the best is a good wife; A bad, the bitterest curse of human life. 

 --_Simonides_. 

_See also_ Domestic finance; Suffragettes; Talkers; Temper; Womansuffrage. 

WOMAN

Woman--the only sex which attaches more importance to what's on its headthan to what's in it. 

"How very few statues there are of real women. "

"Yes! it's hard to get them to look right. "

"How so?"

"A woman remaining still and saying nothing doesn't seem true to life. "

 "Oh, woman! in our hours of ease Uncertain, coy, and hard to please"-- So wrote Sir Walter long ago. But how, pray, could he really know? If woman fair he strove to please, Where did he get his "hours of ease"?

 --_George B. Morewood_. 

MISS SCRIBBLE-"The heroine of my next story is to be one of those modernadvanced girls who have ideas of their own and don't want to getmarried. "

THE COLONEL (politely)-"Ah, indeed, I don't think I ever met thattype. "--_Life_. 

 You are a dear, sweet girl, God bless you and keep you-- Wish I could afford to do so. 

Here's to man--he can afford anything he can get. Here's to woman--shecan afford anything that she can get a man to get for her. --_GeorgeAde_. 

 Here's to the soldier and his arms, Fall in, men, fall in; Here's to woman and her arms, Fall in, men, fall in!

Most Southerners are gallant. An exception is the Georgian who gave hisson this advice:

"My boy, never run after a woman or a street car--there will be anotherone along in a minute or two. "

 Here's to the maid of bashful fifteen; Here's to the widow of fifty; Here's to the flaunting, extravagant queen; And here's to the housewife that's thrifty. Chorus: Let the toast pass, -- Drink to the lass, I'll warrant she'll prove an excuse for the glass. 

 --_Sheridan_. 

 Here's to the ladies, the good, young ladies; But not too good, for the good die young, And we want no dead ones. And here's to the good old ladies, But not too old, for we want no dyed ones. 

When a woman repulses, beware. When a woman beckons, bewarer. --_Henriette Corkland_. 

The young woman had spent a busy day. 

She had browbeaten fourteen salespeople, bullyragged a floor-walker, argued victoriously with a milliner, laid down the law to a modiste, nipped in the bud a taxi chauffeur's attempt to overcharge her, made astreet car conductor stop the car in the middle of a block for her, discharged her maid and engaged another, and otherwise refused to allowherself to be imposed upon. 

Yet she did not smile that evening when a young man begged:

"Let me be your protector through life!"

I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty, I liketheir delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their_silence. --Samuel Johnson_. 

 Auld Nature swears, the lovely dears Her noblest work she classes, O: Her 'prentice hand she tried on man, An' then she made the lasses, O. 

 --_Burns_. 

 Not from his head was woman took, As made her husband to o'erlook; Not from his feet, as one designed The footstool of the stronger kind; But fashioned for himself, a bride; An equal, taken from his side. 

 --_Charles Wesley_. 

_See also_ Mice; Mothers; Smoking; Suffragettes; Wives; Woman suffrage. 

WOMAN SUFFRAGE

WOMAN VOTER--"Now, I may as well be frank with you. I absolutelyrefuse to vote the same ticket as that horrid Jones woman. "

Kate Douglas Wiggin was asked recently how she stood on the vote forwomen question. She replied she didn't "stand at all, " and told astory about a New England farmer's wife who had no very romantic ideasabout the opposite sex, and who, hurrying from churn to sink, fromsink to shed, and back to the kitchen stove, was asked if she wantedto vote. "No, I certainly don't! I say if there's one little thingthat the men folks can do alone, for goodness sakes let 'em do it!"she replied. 

MR. E. N. QUIRE--"What are those women mauling that man for?"

MRS. HENBALLOT--"He insulted us by saying that the suffrage movementdestroyed our naturally timid sweetness and robbed us of all ourgentleness. "

"Did you cast your vote, Aunty?"

"Oh, yes! Isn't it grand? A real nice gentleman with a beautifulmoustache and yellow spats marked my ballot for me. I know I shouldhave marked it myself, but it seemed to please him greatly. "

"Does your wife want to vote?"

"No. She wants a larger town house, a villa on the sea coast and a newlimousine car every six months. I'd be pleased most to death if shecould fix her attention on a smaller matter like the vote. "

"What you want, I suppose, is to vote, just like the men do. "

"Certainly not, " replied Mrs. Baring-Banners. "If we couldn't do anybetter than that there would be no use of our voting. "

"There's only one thing I can think of to head off this suffragemovement, " said the mere man. 

"What is that?" asked his wife. 

"Make the legal age for voting thirty-five instead oftwenty-one. "--_Catholic Universe_. 

MAMIE--"I believe in woman's rights. "

GERTIE--"Then you think every woman should have a vote?"

MAMIE--"No; but I think every woman should have a voter. "--_TheWoman's Journal_. 

During the Presidential campaign the question of woman suffrage wasmuch discussed among women pro and con, and at an afternoon tea theconversation turned that way between the women guests. 

"Are you a woman suffragist?" asked the one who was most interested. 

"Indeed, I am not, " replied the other most emphatically. 

"Oh, that's too bad, but just supposing you were, whom would yousupport in the present campaign?"

"The same man I've always supported, of course, " was the aptreply--"my husband. "

_See also_ Suffragettes. 

WOMEN'S CLUBS

_See_ Clubs. 

WORDS

_See_ Authors. 

WORK

 All work and no play Makes Jack surreptitiously gay. 

"Wot cheer, Alf? Yer lookin' sick; wot is it?"

"Work! nuffink but work, work, work, from mornin' till night!"

'"Ow long 'ave yer been at it?"

"Start tomorrow. "--_Punch_. 

Several men were discussing the relative importance and difficulty ofmental and physical work, and one of them told the followingexperience:

"Several years ago, a tramp, one of the finest specimens of physicalmanhood that I have ever seen, dropped into my yard and asked me forwork. The first day I put him to work helping to move some heavyrocks, and he easily did as much work as any two other men, and yetwas as fresh as could be at the end of the day. 

"The next morning, having no further use for him, I told him he couldgo; but he begged so hard to remain that I let him go into the cellarand empty some apple barrels, putting the good apples into one barreland throwing away the rotten ones--about a half hour's work. 

"At the end of two hours he was still in the cellar, and I went downto see what the trouble was. I found him only half through, but almostexhausted, beads of perspiration on his brow. 

"'What's the matter?' I asked. 'Surely that work isn't hard. '

"'No not hard, ' he replied. 'But the strain on the judgment is_awful_. '"

_See also_ Rest cure. 

WORMS

A country girl was home from college for the Christmas holidays andthe old folks were having a reception in her honor. During the eventshe brought out some of her new gowns to show to the guests. Pickingup a beautiful silk creation she held it up before the admiring crowd. 

"Isn't this perfectly gorgeous!" she exclaimed. "Just think, it camefrom a poor little insignificant worm!"

Her hard-working father looked a moment, then he turned and said:"Yes, darn it, an' I'm that worm!"

YALE UNIVERSITY

The new cook, who had come into the household during the holidays, asked her mistress:

"Where ban your son? I not seeing him round no more. "

"My son, " replied the mistress pridefully. "Oh, he has gone back toYale. He could only get away long enough to stay until New Year's day, you see. I miss him dreadfully, tho. "

"Yas, I knowing yoost how you feel. My broder, he ban in yail saxtimes since Tanksgiving. "

YONKERS

An American took an Englishman to a theater. An actor in the farce, about to die, exclaimed: "Please, dear wife, don't bury me inYonkers!"

The Englishman turned to his friend and said: "I say, old chap, what_are_ yonkers?"

"YOU"

 Here's to the world, the merry old world, To its days both bright and blue; Here's to our future, be it what it may, And here's to my best--that's you!

ZONES

TEACHER--"How many zones has the earth?"

PUPIL--"Five. "

TEACHER--"Correct. Name them. "

PUPIL--"Temperate zone, intemperate, canal, horrid, and o. "--_Life_. 

INDEX

 ABILITY ABOLITION ABSENT-MINDEDNESS ACCIDENTS ACTING ACTORS AND ACTRESSES ADAPTATION ADDRESSES ADVERTISING ADVICE AERONAUTICS AEROPLANES AFTER DINNER SPEECHES AGE AGENTS AGRICULTURE ALARM CLOCKS ALERTNESS ALIBI ALIMONY ALLOWANCES ALTRUISM AMBITION AMERICAN GIRL AMERICANS AMUSEMENTS ANATOMY ANCESTRY ANGER ANNIVERSARIES ANTIDOTES APPEARANCES APPLAUSE ARBITRATION INTERNATIONAL ARITHMETIC ARMIES ARMY RATIONS ART ARTISTS ATHLETES ATTENTION AUTHORS AUTOMOBILES AUTOMOBILING AVIATION AVIATORS

 BABIES BACCALAUREATE SERMONS BACTERIA BADGES BAGGAGE BALDNESS BANKS AND BANKING BAPTISM BAPTISTS BARGAINS BASEBALL BATHS AND BATHING BAZARS BEARDS BEAUTY BEAUTY, PERSONAL BEDS BEER BEES BEETLES BEGGING BETTING BIBLE INTERPRETATION BIGAMY BILLS BIRTHDAYS BLUFFING BLUNDERS BOASTING BONANZAS BOOKKEEPING BOOKS AND READING BOOKSELLERS AND BOOKSELLING BOOKWORMS BOOMERANGS BORES BORROWERS BOSSES BOSTON BOXING BOYS BREAKFAST FOODS BREATH BREVITY BRIBERY BRIDES BRIDGE WHIST BROOKLYN BRYAN, WILLIAM JENNINGS BUILDINGS BURGLARS BUSINESS BUSINESS ENTERPRISE BUSINESS ETHICS BUSINESS WOMEN

 CAMPAIGNS CAMPING CANDIDATES CANNING AND PRESERVING CAPITALISTS CAREFULNESS CARPENTERS CARVING CASTE CATS CAUSE AND EFFECT CAUTION CHAMPAGNE CHARACTER CHARITY CHICAGO CHICKEN STEALING CHILD LABOR CHILDREN CHOICES CHOIRS CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS CHRISTIANS CHRISTMAS GIFTS CHRONOLOGY CHURCH ATTENDANCE CHURCH DISCIPLINE CIRCUS CIVILIZATION CLEANLINESS CLERGY CLIMATE CLOTHING CLUBS COAL DEALERS COEDUCATION COFFEE COINS COLLECTING OF ACCOUNTS COLLECTORS AND COLLECTING COLLEGE GRADUATES COLLEGE STUDENTS COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES COMMON SENSE COMMUTERS COMPARISONS COMPENSATION COMPETITION COMPLIMENTS COMPOSERS COMPROMISES CONFESSIONS CONGRESS CONGRESSMEN CONSCIENCE CONSEQUENCES CONSIDERATION CONSTANCY CONTRIBUTION BOX CONUNDRUMS CONVERSATION COOKERY COOKS CORNETS CORNS CORPULENCE COSMOPOLITANISM COST OF LIVING COUNTRY LIFE COURAGE COURTESY COURTS COURTSHIP COWARDS COWS CRITICISM CRUELTY CUCUMBERS CULTURE CURFEW CURIOSITY CYCLONES

 DACHSHUNDS DAMAGES DANCING DEAD BEATS DEBTS DEER DEGREES DEMOCRACY DEMOCRATIC PARTY DENTISTRY DENTISTS DESCRIPTION DESIGN, DECORATIVE DESTINATION DETAILS DETECTIVES DETERMINATION DIAGNOSIS DIET DILEMMAS DINING DIPLOMACY DISCIPLINE DISCOUNTS DISCRETION DISPOSITION DISTANCES DIVORCE DOGS DOMESTIC FINANCE DOMESTIC RELATIONS DRAMA DRAMATIC CRITICISM DRAMATISTS DRESSMAKERS DRINKING DROUGHTS DRUNKARDS DYSPEPSIA

 ECHOES ECONOMY EDITORS EDUCATION EFFICIENCY EGOTISM ELECTIONS ELECTRICITY EMBARRASSING SITUATIONS EMPLOYERS AND EMPLOYEES ENEMIES ENGLAND ENGLISH LANGUAGE ENGLISHMEN ENTHUSIASM EPITAPHS EPITHETS EQUALITY ERMINE ESCAPES ETHICS ETIQUET EUROPEAN WAR EVIDENCE EXAMINATIONS EXCUSES EXPOSURE EXTORTION EXTRAVAGANCE

 FAILURES FAITH FAITHFULNESS FAME FAMILIES FAREWELLS FASHION FATE FATHERS FAULTS FEES FEET FIGHTING FINANCE FINGER-BOWLS FIRE DEPARTMENTS FIRE ESCAPES FIRES FIRST AID IN ILLNESS AND INJURY FISH FISHERMEN FISHING FLATS FLATTERY FLIES FLIRTATION FLOWERS FOOD FOOTBALL FORDS FORECASTING FORESIGHT FORGETFULNESS FORTUNE HUNTERS FOUNTAIN PENS FOURTH OF JULY FREAKS FREE THOUGHT FRENCH LANGUAGE FRESHMEN FRIENDS FRIENDS, SOCIETY OF FRIENDSHIP FUN FUNERALS FURNITURE FUTURE LIFE

 GARDENING GAS STOVES GENEROSITY GENTLEMEN GERMANS GHOSTS GIFTS GLUTTONY GOLF GOOD FELLOWSHIP GOSSIP GOVERNMENT OWNERSHIP GOVERNORS GRAFT GRATITUDE GREAT BRITAIN GRIEF GUARANTEES GUESTS

 HABIT HADES HAPPINESS HARNESSING HARVARD UNIVERSITY HASH HASTE HEALTH RESORTS HEARING HEAVEN HEIRLOOMS HELL HEREDITY HEROES HIGH COST OF LIVING HINTING HOME HOMELINESS HOMESTEADS HONESTY HONOR HOPE HORSES HOSTS HOTELS HUNGER HUNTING HURRY HUSBANDS HYBRIDIZATION HYPERBOLE HYPOCRISY

 IDEALS ILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONS IMAGINATION IMITATION INFANTS INQUISITIVENESS INSANITY INSPIRATIONS INSTALMENT PLAN INSTRUCTIONS INSURANCE, LIFE INSURANCE BLANKS INSURGENTS INTERVIEWS INVITATIONS IRISH BULLS IRISHMEN IRREVERENCE IDEALS ILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONS IMAGINATION IMITATION INFANTS INQUISITIVENESS INSANITY INSPIRATIONS INSTALMENT PLAN INSTRUCTIONS INSURANCE, LIFE INSURANCE BLANKS INSURGENTS INTERVIEWS INVITATIONS IRISH BULLS IRISHMEN IRREVERENCE

 JAMES, HENRY JEWELS JEWS JOKES JOURNALISM JUDGES JUDGMENT JURY JUSTICE JUVENILE DELINQUENCY

 KENTUCKY KINDNESS KINGS AND RULERS KISSES KNOWLEDGE KULTUR

 LABOR AND LABORING CLASSES LADIES LANDLORDS LANGUAGES LAUGHTER LAW LAWYERS LAZINESS LEAP YEAR LEGISLATORS LIARS LIBERTY LIBRARIANS LIFE LISPING LOST AND FOUND LOVE LOYALTY LUCK

 MAINE MAKING GOOD MALARIA MARKS(WO)MANSHIP MARRIAGE MARRIAGE FEES MATHEMATICS MATRIMONY MEASURING INSTRUMENTS MEDICAL INSPECTION OF SCHOOLS MEDICINE MEEKNESS MEMORIALS MEMORY MEN MESSAGES METAPHOR MICE MIDDLE CLASSES MILITANTS MILITARY DISCIPLINE MILLINERS MILLIONAIRES MINORITIES MISERS MISSIONARIES MISSIONS MISTAKEN IDENTITY MOLLYCODDLES MONEY MORAL EDUCATION MOSQUITOES MOTHERS MOTHERS-IN-LAW MOTORCYCLES MOUNTAINS MOVING PICTURES MUCK-RAKING MULES MUNICIPAL GOVERNMENT MUSEUMS MUSIC MUSICIANS

 NAMES, PERSONAL NATIVES NATURE LOVERS NAVIGATION NEATNESS NEGROES NEIGHBORS NEW JERSEY NEW YORK CITY NEWS NEWSPAPERS

 OBESITY OBITUARIES OBSERVATION OCCUPATIONS OCEAN OFFICE BOYS OFFICE-SEEKERS OLD AGE OLD MASTERS ONIONS OPERA OPPORTUNITY OPTIMISM ORATORS OUTDOOR LIFE

 PAINTING PAINTINGS PANICS PARENTS PARROTS PARTNERSHIP PASSWORDS PATIENCE PATRIOTISM PENSIONS PESSIMISM PHILADELPHIA PHILANTHROPISTS PHILOSOPHY PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS PICKPOCKETS PINS PITTSBURG PLAY PLEASURE POETRY POETS POLICE POLITENESS POLITICAL PARTIES POLITICIANS POLITICS POVERTY PRAISE PRAYER MEETINGS PRAYERS PREACHING PRESCRIPTIONS PRESENCE OF MIND PRINTERS PRISONS PRODIGALS PROFANITY PROHIBITION PROMOTING PROMOTION PROMPTNESS PRONUNCIATION PROPORTION PROPOSALS PROPRIETY PROSPERITY PROTESTANT EPISCOPAL CHURCH PROTESTANTS PROVIDENCE PROVINCIALISM PUBLIC SERVICE CORPORATIONS PUBLIC SPEAKERS PUNISHMENT PUNS PURE FOOD

 QUARRELS QUESTIONS QUOTATIONS

 RACE PREJUDICES RACE PRIDE RACE SUICIDE RACES RAILROADS RAPID TRANSIT READING REAL ESTATE AGENTS REALISM RECALL RECOMMENDATIONS RECONCILIATIONS REFORMERS REGRETS REHEARSALS RELATIVES RELIGIONS REMEDIES REMINDERS REPARTEE REPORTING REPUBLICAN PARTY REPUTATION RESEMBLANCES RESIGNATION RESPECTABILITY REST CURE RETALIATION REVOLUTIONS REWARDS RHEUMATISM ROADS ROASTS ROOSEVELT, THEODORE

 SALARIES SALESMEN AND SALESMANSHIP SALOONS SALVATION SAVING SCANDAL SCHOOLS SCIENTIFIC MANAGEMENT SCOTCH, THE SEASICKNESS SEASONS SENATORS SENSE OF HUMOR SENTRIES SERMONS SERVANTS SHOPPING SHYNESS SIGNS SILENCE SIN SKATING SKY-SCRAPERS SLEEP SMILES SMOKING SNEEZING SNOBBERY SNORING SOCIALISTS SOCIETY SOLECISMS SONS SOUVENIRS SPECULATION SPEED SPINSTERS SPITE SPRING STAMMERING STATESMEN STATISTICS STEAK STEAM STEAMSHIPS AND STEAMBOATS STENOGRAPHERS STOCK BROKERS STRATEGY SUBWAYS SUCCESS SUFFRAGETTES SUICIDE SUMMER RESORTS SUNDAY SUNDAY SCHOOLS SUPERSTITION SURPRISE SWIMMERS SYMPATHY SYNONYMS

 TABLE MANNERS TACT TAFT, WILLIAM HOWARD TALENT TALKERS TARDINESS TARIFF TASTE TEACHERS TEARS TEETH TELEPHONE TEMPER TEMPERANCE TEXAS TEXTS THEATER THIEVES THIN PEOPLE THRIFT TIDES TIME TIPS TITLES OF HONOR AND NOBILITY TOASTS TOBACCO TOURISTS TRAMPS TRANSMUTATION TRAVELERS TREASON TREES TRIGONOMETRY TROUBLE TRUSTS TRUTH TURKEYS TUTORS TWINS

 UMBRELLAS

 VALUE VANITY VERSATILITY VOICE

 WAGES WAITERS WAR WARNINGS WASHINGTON, GEORGE WASPS WASTE WEALTH WEATHER WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES WEDDING PRESENTS WEDDINGS WEIGHTS AND MEASURES WELCOMES WEST, THE WHISKY WHISKY BREATH WIDOWS WIND WINDFALLS WINE WISHES WITNESSES WIVES WOMAN WOMAN SUFFRAGE WOMEN'S CLUBS WORDS WORK WORMS

 YALE UNIVERSITY YONKERS "YOU"

 ZONES