THIS GIDDY GLOBE OLIVER HERFORD [Illustration: PETER SIMPLE, F. T. G. K. Mosely, Sculp. ] THIS GIDDY GLOBE BY PETER SIMPLE, F. T. G. FELLOW OF THE TERRESTRIAL GLOBE EDITED AND ILLUSTRATED BY OLIVER HERFORD, V. D. W. A. [_"Very delightful wit and artist. "_ _--Woodrow Wilson_] NEW YORK GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY COPYRIGHT, 1919, BY GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA TO PRESIDENT WILSON [_With all his faults he quotes me still. _] PREFACE ............................................................. ............................................................. ............................................................. [_The Preface, which is strictly private and concerns only ourselvesand the Reader, has been removed to another part of the book. _] The Author makes due Acknowledgment to Charles Scribner's Sons for theuse of certain verses, and to Miss Cecilia Loftus for her series ofPerfect Day Pictures. CONTENTS PART I: WHY IS THE GLOBE CHAPTER PAGE I THE CREATION 15 PREFACE 19 II A LONG JUMP 20 III THE GIDDY GLOBE 23 IV THE USE OF THE GLOBE 25 V THE EQUATOR 28 VI THE EARTH'S CRUST 30 VII THE TEMPERATURE OF THE GLOBE 32 VIII THE AGE OF THE GLOBE 35 IX THE FACE OF THE GLOBE 38 X CLIMATE AND WEATHER 44 XI LAND AND WATER 47 XII THE DISCOVERY OF THE WORLD 51 XIII THE HABITABLE GLOBE 52 XIV THE TENANTS 54 XV RACE 56 XVI GOVERNMENTS OF THE GLOBE 58 XVII THE MORALS OF THE GIDDY GLOBE 61 PART II: THE COUNTRIES OF THE EARTH XVIII THE POLES 65 XIX AMERICA 70 XX BOSTON 75 XXI THE UNITED STATES 78 XXII CANADA 83 XXIII GREAT BRITAIN 86 XXIV SCOTLAND 90 XXV IRELAND 92 XXVI WALES 96 PART III: FOREIGN COUNTRIES XXVII SOUTH AMERICA 101 XXVIII HOLLAND 103 XXIX BELGIUM 106 XXX FRANCE 109 XXXI GERMANY 111 XXXII SWITZERLAND 112 XXXIII MONACO 113 XXXIV TURKEY 114 XXXV RUSSIA 117 XXXVI NORWAY AND SWEDEN 119 XXXVII AFRICA 122 XXXVIII ARABIA 126 XXXIX AUSTRALIA 129 XL CHINA 131 XLI JAPAN 133 XLII EGYPT, INDIA, ITALY, SPAIN, GREECE, ETC. 134 EPILOGUE 136 APPENDIX 137 * * * * * THIS GIDDY GLOBE PART I WHY IS THE GLOBE? CHAPTER I THE CREATION _Six busy days it took in all_ _To make a World and plan its fall, _ _The seventh, SOMEONE said 'twas good_ _And rested, should you think he could?_ _Knowing what the result would be_ _There would have been no rest for me!_ _Claire Beecher Kummer. _ It takes much longer to write a Geography than, according to Moses, it took to create the World which it is the Geographer's business todescribe; and since the Critic has been added to the list of createdbeings, it is no longer the fashion for the Author to pass judgment onhis own work. Let us imagine, however, that concealed in the cargo of HypotheticNebula destined for the construction of the Terrestrial Globe was aProtoplasmic Stowaway that sprang to being in the shape of a Critic justas the work of Creation was finished. Would it not be interesting to speculate upon that Critic's reception ofthe freshly made World? We may be sure that he would have found many things not to his liking;technical defects such as the treatment of grass and foliage in greeninstead of the proper purple; the tinting of the sky which any landscapepainter will tell you would be more decorative done in turquoise greenthan cobalt blue. Like the foolish Butterfly in the Talmud, who (to impress Mrs. Butterfly) stamped his tiny foot upon the dome of King Solomon's Temple, our Critic might have declared the World "Too flimsy in construction. "He would certainly have found fault with the Solar System and thePlumbing--the absence of heat in Winter when there is the greater needof it and the paucity of moisture in the desert places where it neverrains. The comicality of the Ape family might have provoked a reluctantsmile, but much more likely a lecture on the impropriety of descendingto caricature in a serious work. [Illustration: THE FIRST CALENDAR The Creation of Heaven & Earth _in Six dayes_ _Gen: I_ THE YEAR I 1st Sunday 1st Wednesday 1st Monday 1st Thursday 1st Tuesday 1st Friday] At best, our Critic would have pronounced the freshly made World thework of a beginner, conceding perhaps that he "showed promise" and"might go far, " and if he wished to be very impressive indeed, he wouldpretend that he had penetrated the veil of Anonymity and hint darklythat he detected evident traces of a Feminine Touch! In that, however, our Critic would only have been anticipating, for isthere not at this very moment on the press a Suffrage edition (for womenonly) of the Rubaiyat, in which one verse is amended to read thus-- _The ball no question makes of Ayes or Nos, _ _But right or left, as strikes the Player goes, _ _And SHE who tossed it down into the field, _ _SHE knows about it all, SHE knows, SHE knows!_ PREFACE _STRICTLY PRIVATE_ _For the Reader Only_ DEAR READER: This is for _you_, and you only. We have concealed it between chaptersone and two so that it will not meet any eye but yours. We have a confession to make--it would be useless to attemptconcealment--we have the Digression habit. We have tried every known remedy but we fear it is incurable. All we ask, Gentle Reader, is that when we stray too far you will favourus with a gentle reminder. CHAPTER II A LONG JUMP [Illustration] It is a long jump from Moses, the author of the first work on Geography, to Peter Simple. When the acrobatic reader has fetched his breath and looks back at thefearsome list of Geographers he has skipped--Strabo, Anaximander, Hecatœus, Demœritus, Eudoxus, Ephorus, Dicœarchus, Erastothenes, Polybius, Posidonius and Charles F. King, --he may wellbe thankful to find he has fallen upon his feet. The Geographer's task is endless. The Planet he endeavours to portray is perpetually changing itsappearance. After thousands and thousands of years, it is no nearercompletion than it was in the beginning. [Illustration] The Sea with its white teeth bites the edges of the continents into newshapes, as a child bites the edges of a biscuit. The glaciers file awaythe mountains into valleys and plains. Beneath the ocean busy insectsare building the foundations of new continents and, under the earth, Fiery Demons are ready at all times to burst forth and help to destroythe old ones. It really begins to look as if this Planet would never be finished. In the first chapter of his geography, Moses tells us there were onlytwo people in the world. Today we are preparing to put up the "standing room only" notice. Inanother thousand years, for aught we know, the earth may be going rounddark and tenantless and bearing the sign "To Let. " What does it matterto us? What are we but microscopic weevils in the mouldy crust of earth?Sufficient unto the day is the weevil thereof. CHAPTER III THE GIDDY GLOBE Men of Science, who delight in applying harsh terms to things thatcannot talk back, have called this Giddy Globe an Oblate Spheroid. Francis Bacon called it a Bubble; Shakespeare, an Oyster; Rossetti, aMidge; and W. S. Gilbert addresses it familiarly as a Ball-- _Roll on, thou ball, roll on!_ _Through pathless realms of Space_ _Roll on!_ _What though I'm in a sorry case?_ _What though I cannot meet my bills?_ _What though I suffer toothache's ills?_ _What though I swallow countless pills?_ _Never you mind_ _Roll on!_ (_It rolls on. _) But these people belong to a privileged class that is encouraged (evenpaid) to distort the language, and they must not be taken tooliterally. The Giddy Globe is really quite large, not to say obese. Her waist measurement is no less than twenty-five thousand miles. In thehope of reducing it, the earth takes unceasing and violent exercise, butthough she spins round on one toe at the rate of a thousand miles anhour every day, and round the sun once a year, she does not succeed intaking off a single mile or keeping even comfortably warm all over. No wonder the globe is giddy! _QUESTIONS_ _Explain the Nebular Hypothesis. _ _State briefly the electromagnetical constituents of the AuroraBorealis, and explain their relation to the Hertzian Waves. _ _Define the difference between the Hertzian Wave and the Marcel Wave. _ CHAPTER IV THE USE OF THE GLOBE What is the Earth for? Nobody knows. Some say the Earth was made tosupply the wants of Man, but as Man is part and parcel of the Earthherself, dust of her dust, mould of her mould, it does not answer thequestion. [Illustration: THE FRIENDLY COW. From an instantaneous photograph of animal cracker. Owing to the high price of living the cow was partially eaten by the author before the photograph could be taken. ] To be sure the Earth produces the Tobacco Plant, and many other thingsthat we classify among the needs of Man, including the "Friendly Cow"-- _She walks among the flowers sweet_ _And chews and chews and chews, _ _And turns them into friendly meat, _ _And pleasant boots and shoes. _ But the "Friendly Cow" may in her secret heart regard the classificationas anything but friendly. For all we know, in the hidden scheme ofCreation, the Cow may herself be the subject for ultimate evolution intothe Perfect Being, and Man (to reverse Darwin), descending through theApe to ever lower planes, only a discarded experiment. And the Tobacco Plant? In the course of time there may be no TobaccoPlant. Should the American People be again tempted to wage a World War forFreedom, they may find on their return that the Tobacco Plants have goneto join the Grape Vines of California! Our only hope will then be that smoking is permitted in Hea----* * The Author _is_ digressing. _The Reader. _ _QUESTIONS_ _What is "Friendship"?_ _Why is the Cow "friendly"?_ _Is the Oyster friendly?_ _When Prohibition is applied to tobacco will cigars containing less thanone-half of one per cent tobacco be permitted?_ CHAPTER V THE EQUATOR [Illustration] The Earth is self-centred. Poised on an imaginary toe, she pirouettesround her self-centre, at the rate of over a thousand miles an hour. We say imaginary toe because the Earth, owing to the enormous size ofher waist, has never been able to see it. To anyone with a waist measurement of twenty-five thousand miles thevery existence of toes is purely problematical. To wear an actual belt round a waist of such dimensions would beimpossible even if it could be of any use. Instead, therefore, theEarth wears round her middle an imaginary line called the Equator. To give this imaginary belt some excuse for existence we have depictedthe Earth in an imaginary ballet skirt, which without in any wayhampering her movements complies with the strict regulations pertainingto feminine attire. Being self-centred, the Earth has naturally an exaggerated sense ofself-esteem. Other Spheres of equal or greater importance are referred to as"Luminaries" and supposed to exist chiefly for the purpose of furnishinglight when the Sun and Moon are otherwise engaged. _Oh would some Power the giftie gie her_ _To see, as other Planets see her!_ _QUESTIONS_ _Can an imaginary line be said to exist?_ _If not, why does it need an excuse for existence?_ CHAPTER VI THE EARTH'S CRUST Matter-of-fact Geologists speak of the Earth's Crust as if there wereonly one Crust. Thoughtful people (like ourselves) who can read between imaginary lines, know that there are (as in a pie) two Crusts, the Upper Crust and theUnder Crust. The Upper Crust is pleasantly situated on the top and is rich andagreeable and much sought after. The Under Crust is soggy and disagreeable. The only apparent reason forits existence is to hold up the Upper Crust. To quote the eminent Nonsensologist Gelett Burgess-- _The Upper Crust is light as snow_ _And gay with sugar-rime;_ _The Under Crust must stay below, _ _It has a horrid time. _ When in the course of time the Upper Crust becomes too rich and heavyfor the popular taste, the Social Pie flops over and the Under Crustbecomes the Upper Crust. These periodic flip-flops of the Social Pie are called Revolutions. You would think that a Revolving Pie would be a disturbing thing to havein one's system, but the Giddy Globe doesn't seem to mind it in theleast. Balanced on an imaginary toe, she continues to pirouette at the rate ofa thousand miles an hour, just as if nothing were the matter. The latest specimen of Acrobatic Pastry is after a Russian recipe. The Bolshevik Pie has no Upper Crust at all and is declared by theleading Chefs of Europe to be unfit for human consumption, but the proofof the Pie is in the eating, how would you like to try just a----* * Take it away, or we won't read another word! _The Reader. _ Oh, very well! We never did care much for pie anyway, not even forbreakfast. [Illustration] CHAPTER VII THE TEMPERATURE OF THE GLOBE [Illustration] In spite of incessant and violent exercise, the Giddy Globe (as we haveremarked before) is unable to keep comfortably warm all over. Her Temperature varies from intense cold at her upper and lowerextremities to fever heat in the region of her equatorial diaphragm. Ancient Geographers indicated these variations of temperature by meansof _Zones_. The Term Zone is derived from the Greek word ζωνη a Belt orGirdle, and a Girdle in the days of the First Geography Book was theprincipal (if not the only) garment of a well dressed person. Today, however, the Girdle is no longer accepted as a complete costume. No modern Costumer would countenance such a "model, " it would be tooeasy to copy and consequently unprofitable. Even the "Knee-plus-ultra" of Newport or Palm Beach Society wouldhesitate to pose for the Sunday Supplement Photographer in a one-pieceBathing Girdle. You might explore the World of Dress, from the Land of the MidnightFollies to the Uttermost parts of Greenwich Village and find nothingexactly like it. It is on its way, to be sure, but it will never be fashionable until-- _The two extremes of décolleté_ _Of Ballroom and of Bathing Beach_ _Here meet in a bewildering way_ _And mingle all the charms of each. _ Why, then, in this up-to-date Geography Book, should we depict the GiddyGlobe in an obsolete hoop skirt of imaginary Zones? In striving to answer the question, we have hit upon a pleasingcompromise. [Illustration: (A, E, C, D markers)] At least it is up-to-date. A. And E. Are the two extremities of the Giddy Globe, which are quitebare. They correspond to the Frigid Zones. C. Is the Corset, which being hot and uncomfortable corresponds to theTorrid. D. Is--that is to say are----* * Pardon us for interrupting--but we thought this was to be a geography book. _The Reader. _ CHAPTER VIII THE AGE OF THE GLOBE [Illustration: THE NEW WORLD / THE OLD WORLD] Some people are sensitive about their ages. The Giddy Globe has nevertold us hers. Rude men of science, after careful examination, declare she can't be aday under five billion years old. Theologians, ever tactful in feminine matters, set her down as ashrinking young thing of barely four thousand summers. Real delicacy of feeling goes with the bulging tum rather than with thebulging forehead; who ever saw a thin Bishop or a fat man of science! _Happy the man with the bulging Tum, _ _Who smiles and smiles and is never glum!--_ _But alas for the man with the bulging brow, _ _If he wanted to smile, he wouldn't know how!_ If the Giddy Globe asked _us_ to guess her age, we should say, without amoment's hesitation, "Whatever it is you certainly don't look it!" Astronomers may say what they like, a Planet is as old as it looks, especially if it is a Lady-Planet, and we have seen ours when she didn'tlook a June day over sixteen! and, not having a bulging forehead, wetold her so! Astronomers think themselves so wise, but what do they know about thesex of the Planets? With the exception of Mother Earth and old Sol Phœbus, --nothing! If you asked an Astronomer whether the Pleiad girls were really thedaughters of Atlas, or what Jupiter was doing with eight Moons (if they_were_ Moons), he would think you were trifling with him. But is it not possible that the old Greek tales were the garbled gossipof an age-forgotten science of which we have only the A. B. C. ? If it is Love that makes the world go round (and who can prove that itisn't?), what makes the other Planets go round? How about the movements of the Heavenly Bodies? How about----* * This is all very interesting, but don't you think perhaps it is---- _The Reader. _ Quite right! Quite right! how we do run on! [Illustration] CHAPTER IX THE FACE OF THE GLOBE There are no good photographs of the Giddy Globe; she refuses to sit. Imagine attempting to photograph an obese and flighty Spheroid whospends her time pirouetting round in a circle with all her might andmain. Perhaps it is to avoid the photographer that the Earth spins, and notmerely to reduce her girth as we hinted elsewhere. In these days such a strenuous evasion of publicity is suspicious. Where does she come from? Where is she going? She refuses to answer, she will not even state her business or tell herreal name. For æons (quite a number of æons) this Giddy one has been going roundunder various male and female aliases such as--Cosmos, Mother Earth, TheWorld, Mrs. Grundy, the Footstool, the Terrestrial Globe. If you look up her record you will find the following press notices-- "The Earth's a thief. " Timon of Athens. "Earth's bitter. " Wordsworth. "This distracted Globe. " Hamlet. "This tough World. " King Lear. "Naughty World. " Merchant of Venice. "This World is given to Lying. " Henry IV. "The World is too much with us. " Wordsworth. "The World is grown so bad. " Richard III. "The narrow World. " Julius Cæsar. "The World is not thy friend. " Romeo and Juliet. "The World's a bubble. " Bacon. "This World is all a fleeting show. " Moore. "The World was not worthy. " St. Paul. "The World's a tragedy. " Horace Walpole. "This bleak World. " Moore. "The weary weight of all this unintelligible World. " Wordsworth. "A World of vile ill-favoured faults. " Merry Wives of Windsor. "Stale, flat and unprofitable seem to me all the uses of this World. " Hamlet. "This dim spot that men call Earth. " Milton. "The wicked World. " W. S. Gilbert. It is possible that the Giddy Globe has read the above clippings and, realizing that she has been discovered, spins round with all her mightto avoid being photographed for the Rogues' Gallery of the Universe. Appearances are certainly against her. * * * _When I am moved to contemplate_ _The rude and unregenerate state_ _Of that rampageous reprobate_ _The World at large, _ _And as I mark its stony phiz_ _And see it whoop and whirl and whiz, _ _I can but cry--O Lord, why is_ _The World at large?_ [Illustration: A PERFECT DAY IN LONDON] [Illustration: A PERFECT DAY IN CHICAGO] CHAPTER X CLIMATE AND WEATHER Climate is a Theory. Weather is a condition. Or, to make it clearer to the reader, Climate is a Hypothesis andWeather is a _Reductio ad Absurdum_. This explains why it invariablysnows for the first time in years whenever one goes to California. [Illustration: A TREE] What is the Weather for? Everything in Nature is designed to contribute to the needs or pleasuresof Mankind. From the tree of the forest we get the wood from which the nutmeg ismade, the wood-alcohol for our Scotch high-ball and the pulp for ournewspaper, which, in turn, is transmuted to leather for the soles of oursoldiers' boots. From the sands of the sea we make sugar for sweetening our coffee--thatmysterious beverage, the secret of whose manufacture has never beenrevealed. From the cotton plant comes the woolen under-garment and the soldier'sblanket. From the lowly cabbage springs the Havana Perfecto, with its gold andcrimson band, and from the simple turnip is distilled the goldenchampagne, without which so many lives will now be empty. Even the humble straw has its uses--to indicate the trend of the aircurrent and for the stuffing of the life-preserver. What then is the use of the Weather? Supposing you have made a globe and put some people upon it to live. What would you do to make them feel at home? You would give them something to talk about. Just so--the Weather was designed to furnish a universal topic ofconversation for Man. Without the Weather, 999, 999 out of 1, 000, 000 conversations would die intheir infancy. In the first geography book we learn from Moses how and of what theWeather was made. Since then, nothing has been so much talked about as the Weather, andin nothing has so little advance been made. _QUESTIONS_ _Is it notoriety that makes the Weather-Vane?_ _Where does the Winter-Resort in Summer? And why?_ _How many litres of champagne can be extracted from the cube-root ofone turnip?_ _What did the Weather do to get herself so talked about?_ CHAPTER XI LAND AND WATER [Illustration: STEAMSHIP BATTLING WITH THE MARCEL WAVES] The terrestrial Globe is pleasingly tinted in blue, pink, yellow andgreen. The blue portion is called Water and is inhabited by oysters, clams, submarines, lobsters and turtles, besides delightful schools of fishesand whales. The pink, yellow and green portions are called Land and are alive withhuman beings and other animals and vegetables. [Illustration: THE COLLEGE YELL OF A SCHOOL OF WHALES] Besides the animals and vegetables there are mountains, table-lands, rivers, forests and lakes. [Illustration: THE PRESIDENTIAL RANGE Showing comparative height of principal peaks. --Reading from left to right: Mt. Washington--Jefferson--Lincoln--Cleveland--Roosevelt--Wilson. Note:--At the moment this picture was taken a war cloud drifted over the last two peaks. --Until the cloud passes it will be impossible to ascertain their altitudes. ] In former times mountains were used as protective barriers. Todaythey serve as monuments to Public Men for whom they are named(_See Presidential Range_), and country seats for retired Grocersand Fishmongers. Rivers are the most curious and interesting form of Water. Though seldom as shallow, they are as lengthy and involved asCongressional speeches, and have to be curled into the most ludicrousshapes to get them into the countries where they belong. [Illustration: A RIVER BED] The first thing a river does after rising is to betake itself as fast asit can to the nearest River-Bed, in which it remains for the rest of itsdays. The largest river in the world is the Amazon, named after thesingle-breasted suffragette of ancient times. _QUESTIONS_ _How many rivers can get into one river-bed?_ _Why is a Congressman?_ [Illustration: NOAH SIGHTING ARARAT] When Noah saw the flood subside, "The world is going dry!" he cried, "So let us all, without delay, Fill up against a drouthy day. " CHAPTER XII THE DISCOVERY OF THE WORLD In the first geography we are told of a young married couple who werecast into the world for a pomological error on their part, about 4000B. C. Some seventeen centuries later, the world was lost sight of in a deluge. [Illustration: NOAH] It was re-discovered by a navigator named Noah who, though barely sixhundred years old, was the commander of a sea-going menagerie. Commander Noah, after cruising about for twelve months and ten days, landed from his zoölogical water-wagon upon a precipitous Asiatic Jagcalled Ararat on the twenty-seventh of February, 2300 B. C. CHAPTER XIII THE HABITABLE GLOBE The term "Habitable Globe" was doubtless invented by some CelestialHumorist who had never visited this planet. People live on it, to be sure, but they have no choice. There is nowhereelse to live. The Giddy Globe ... * * Isn't it about time to drop this personal simile? _The Reader. _ ... Quite so. Suppose we consider the Globe as an Apartment House. We are told it was finished in six days. No wonder it is faultilyconstructed. The Heating Apparatus is out of date. The apartments nearest to theRadiator are insufferably hot, those farthest away unbearably cold, andthose between too changeable for comfort. The Water Supply is unreliable. In some apartments, great numbersperish every year from thirst. In the cellar there is a munition factory where, in defiance ofregulations, there are stored High Explosives. These blow up from timeto time, causing great damage and loss of life among the tenants. The janitor is a disobliging old person who has been there since thehouse was started and holds his job, in spite of incessant complaints. When asked to hurry, he fairly crawls and, when people want him most tostay, nothing can stop him. His name is Tempus. CHAPTER XIV THE TENANTS The first tenants (as before stated) were a young couple who had beencompelled to leave a more luxurious apartment because children were notallowed, though animals of all kinds, even snakes, were tolerated. [Illustration: POST-IMPRESSIONIST SAVAGE] On the whole, the Globe is anything but a model Apartment House. Eachfamily considers itself the only respectable one in the building andthey are constantly squabbling for the possession of the most desirablerooms. The tenants of the different stories, originally of one colour, havebeen tanned according to their proximity to the Solar Stove. They comein five shades of fast colours--Black, Brown, Yellow, Red andWhite, --the White being farthest away from the Stove. There are also some brighter colours, which are not guaranteed, --varyingfrom the chromatic discord of the post-impressionist Savage to thedelicate rose-pink of the Perfect Lady. This last is the most delectable of all--but, alas, it is the one thatfades most quickly. [Illustration: PERFECT LADY] CHAPTER XV RACE All the Families agree that the tenants of the Globe should be of oneuniform shade. [Illustration: MILL-RACE] Each Family, however, thinks that his own particular shade is the onlyfitting one for the Perfect Human Being. To that end he spends a large part of his time in scheming how to getrid of all the other tints. All of which is a great waste of centuries! Old Tempus the Janitor hasalways settled the Tint question with his Solar Stove and always will. A week at the seashore in August ought to convince anyone of theefficiency of the Solar Tint Factory. In the tan of the surf bather islocked up the secret of Race Colouration. [Illustration:BLACK-RACE] And yet there are some Great and Wise Ones who believe that Civilization(with the assistance of Mr. Marconi and Mr. Rolls H. Royce and a fewothers) will bring the Race Families into such close relationship thatthey will eventually be all blended into one harmonious Neutral Tint! A pale mauve World! One tint, one religion, one food, one dress, oneDrink, one everything. How appalling! And think of the moment when it is to be decided once andforever which it is to be--Blonde or Brunette! Oh those Wise and Great Ones! [Illustration] CHAPTER XVI GOVERNMENTS OF THE GLOBE The best definition of Government may be found in Wordsworth's lines: _"The simple plan_ _That they should take who have the power_ _And they should keep who can. "_ In every community on Earth, the strongest, the craftiest or thewealthiest of the male inhabitants conspire to compel their weaker, stupider or poorer brothers and sisters to pay them for the privilege ofremaining on earth. Government by the Strongest is called an Absolute Monarchy. Government by the Craftiest, a Limited Monarchy. Government by the Wealthiest, a Republic. In an Absolute Monarchy, the People are Controlled. In a Limited Monarchy, they are Cajoled. In a Republic, they are Sold. For the successful operation of Limited Monarchies and Republics, it isnecessary to delude the Common People into the belief that they aremanaging their own affairs. [Illustration] This is accomplished by means of a House of Lords, Congress, Chamber ofDeputies, Diet, Cortes, Assembly, Soviet, Etc. These merry contrivances are designed on the principle of the revolvingsquirrel-cage, furnishing harmless exercise without progression. _QUESTIONS_ _Q. What is a Constitution?_ _A. A concession to Liberty enabling her to talk herself to death. _ _Q. What is the essential difference between one government andanother?_ _A. The price of life. _ CHAPTER XVII THE MORALS OF THE GIDDY GLOBE According to Moses, the First Geographer, Immorality is an heirloomhanded down to us by our First Parents. Men of Science, on the other hand, declare it to be merely thepsycho-neurotic reaction of climatic environment on the celliferousorganism. In other words, Vice is nothing more than Virtue outside of its naturalgeographical latitude. This is clearly set forth in the accompanying Moral Map of the World inwhich the familiar idiosyncrasies of Mankind which we are wont todifferentiate as Virtues or Vices are shown for the first time in theirproper geographical environment. (_See Moral Map of the World. _) * * * * * PART II THE COUNTRIES OF THE EARTH The Countries of the Earth may be divided into two Groups, the Englishspeaking countries and the Foreign Countries. The English Speaking Countries which comprise the United States and theBritish Empire occupy one fourth of the entire surface of the Globe. The rest are just Foreign Countries. CHAPTER XVIII THE POLES The Earth has three kinds of Poles, the Frigid Poles in the North andSouth and the very hot Poles in the centre of Europe. This chapter is about the North Pole. The North Pole is the Geographical interrogation point of the Earth. It is probably the only absolutely moral spot in the World. Scientists declare it to be the site of the Garden of Eden, thus givingcolour to the popular notion that Eden was the original Roof Garden. The only language that has ever been spoken at the North Pole isEnglish. The language that Lieutenant Peary used when he found the footprint ofDoctor Cook on the Pole, whatever else it might be, was English, and thelanguage of the next discoverer, when he finds (or does not find) thefootprint of Lieutenant Peary, will probably be English too. [Illustration: Map of THE ARCTIC OCEAN OR THE WHITE SEA] Whatever use may be ultimately found for the North Pole, up to thepresent time it has only been used for advertising purposes. The frozen tracts that surround it bear the names of Adventurers, Princes and Editors, and the very topmost tip, out of compliment to awell-known pianist and politician, has been called the Magnetic Pole. [Illustration: THE MAGNETIC POLE] So far as we know, all the disadvantages of the North Pole are shared bythe South Pole, but for some reason the South Pole has never been sosuccessful as an advertising medium. [Illustration: A PERFECT DAY IN NEW YORK] [Illustration: A PERFECT DAY IN PHILADELPHIA] CHAPTER XIX AMERICA [Illustration] Let us see America first. On a modern map of the Western Hemisphere America is as easy to see asthe Decorations on the breast of a Rear Admiral of a Dry Dock. One wonders how it escaped being discovered so long! But when you look at this map of the Western Hemisphere as it appearedabout a thousand years ago, when Lief Ericsen discovered New England, you will understand that discovering America in those days was nochild's play. Nevertheless, Lief, the son of Eric, did not think much of his find. How could a lowbrowed viking be expected to understand Boston, much lesswhat was going to be Boston in a thousand years! [Illustration: EARLY MAP OF THE WESTERN HEMISPHERE] After writing his Impressions of America in obscure Runes on aconspicuous rock, Lief pulled up his anchor and sailed home to Norway. No one could decipher the Runes, but everybody suspected what theymeant. And Lief was justly punished for his rudeness, his statue stands (soruns the tale) in the Fenway of Boston to this day. America was not discovered again for nearly five hundred years. Then Christopher Columbus took a hand, but though he made four trips tothe New World, Columbus carelessly neglected to write a book or even amagazine article on his Impressions of America. [Illustration] A new path in Navigation, just as in Art or Literature, once shown, iseasy to follow, and seven years later an Italian plagiarist namedAmerigo discovered America all over again and copyrighted the wholecontinent in his own name. By this time, as the accompanying map will show, the continent ofAmerica had gained considerably in bulk and offered an easy mark to thehorde of discoverers who came in the wake of Amerigo. And still they come--and though it is too late to secure a copyright onthe continent they never fail to copyright their impressions ofAmerica. [Illustration: THE MAYFLOWER] CHAPTER XX BOSTON [Illustration: BOSTON _And Vicinity_] In spite of many laudable attempts, America was never seriouslydiscovered until the year 1620 when the Mayflower landed inMassachusetts a cargo of Heirlooms, Boston Terriers, Beans andAncestors. Thus were established the three leading industries of Massachusetts, themanufacture of genuine antique furniture and Pedigrees (Human andcanine). BOSTON is a centre of Gravity completely surrounded by Newtons. BOSTON is also the centre of the Universe. [Illustration: A PERFECT DAY IN BOSTON] The great poet Anonymous has immortalized Boston as _"The home of the Bean and the Cod_ _Where Lowells speak only to Cabots_ _And Cabots speak only to God. "_ Some say the lines were not written by Anonymous but by a later poetnamed Ibid, but what does a poet's name matter except to his creditors? Boston is famous for its historic associations and landmarks which wellrepay a visit. Even the quaint and curious Pullmans that convey the traveller thitherare relics of a bygone day and a joy to the heart of the antiquarian. CHAPTER XXI THE UNITED STATES The United States is a large body of laughter-loving people completelysurrounded by Trusts. It is the richest country in the world. Nowhere is food so plentiful, nowhere are the Cows so friendly, the Hens so industrious. [Illustration] When the American Hens die they go to join their unhatched children in acold-storage Heaven where they live forever. So too the Cows, so too the Fish, if there is room for them; if not theyare turned into fertilizer to keep them from scaling down the marketprice. To add to the merriment of the People, the Sovereign Farmers andFinanciers passed an amendment to the Constitution and Holy Writ (See I. Timothy V. 23. ) abolishing Temperance, the sin of resisting temptation. At their bidding, thousands of acres of deadly grape vines have beendestroyed, and, if these great and good men fulfil their promise, erelong the nation will be saved also from the ravages of the viciousTobac----* * We fail to see what this has to do with Geography. _The Reader. _ [Illustration: A PILGRIM LANDING] Well, to return to the United States. The United States is a large drycountry bounded on the north by Canadian Club Whisky, on the south byMexican Pulque, and on the East and West by Salt Water. The Populationconsists of one hundred million thirsty souls, some of whom areAmericans. [Illustration: THE ORIGINAL STRAPHANGERS] [Illustration] Religious to a fault, and ambidexterously prodigal, they neverthelessshow signs of reverting to the condition of the Arboreal Anthropoids. A race of Straphangers is developing. At certain hours of the day, theymay be seen seeking their habitations in great flocks, swinging fromstrap to strap with loud cries and a peculiar whirling motion. The Original inhabitants were Red Indians; these were supplanted by PalePilgrims, who first settled the country and then settled the Indians. [Illustration] The Indian practice of painting and wearing feathers shocked the PilgrimFathers and Pilgrim Mothers, but the Pilgrim Daughters made a note ofthe fashions for future use. The climate of the United States is bracing and stimulating; travellershave even been known to compare the air to champagne but, though highlyexhilarating it is absolutely non-intoxicating. [Illustration] Prohibition Chemists after a careful analysis having discovered noperceptible trace of Alcohol, The Anti-Saloon League has decided thatthe use of the atmosphere shall be in no way restricted. In large cities the sky is kept clean by means of tall Sky-Scrapers. Nowhere is there a more impressive example of American inventive Geniusthan the array of Sky-Scrapers seen from New York Harbour, day andnight, year in, year out, scraping away the germ-laden dust and refuseand imparting a bright and cheerful gloss to the surface of the sky. [Illustration] Another object of interest in the harbour is the statue of a oncepopular favourite. People who remember her, say it is far from a flattering likeness. The Capitol of the United States is Washington--named after a famousBritisher who won American Independence from George the III, the fatGerman King of unsound mind, then holding down the English Throne. New York is the tallest and the noisiest city in the world. It containsover Five million people speaking a Babel of twenty different languagesbesides English. * * * The inhabitants of America are the most Moral and Patriotic people inthe World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the WorldWar. [Illustration: UNCLE SAM'S PHRENOLOGICAL CHART 1 Thirst 23 Aquasity 2 Self-effacement 24} 3 Calculation 25} Prairifulness 4 Providence 26 Plainness 5 Love of the Almighty ($) 27 Incredulity 6 Justice 28 Animosity 7 Somnolence 29 Nebraskability 8 Love of Peaches 30 Love of Freedom 9 Pride of Race 31 Modesty 10 Nicotianity 32 Oregonality 11 Love of Camp-meetings 33 Furbearance 12 Fruitfulness 34 Argentility 13 Coonfulness 35 Pique 14 Colour 36 Breadth 15 Levity 37 Presence of Mine 16 Illicit Spirituality 38 Gamefulness 17 Love of Travel 39 Conjugality 18 Size 40 Cowboyishness 19 Bashfulness 41 Sheepishness 20 Scribosity 42 Reserve 21 Armorousness 43 Reciprocity] 22 Horse Sense CHAPTER XXII CANADA Canada, with the exception of Mexico, is the only part of North Americanot ruled by the Irish. [Illustration: "The apparel oft proclaims the man. "--HAMLET. ] In former days it was a popular Health Resort for frenzied financierswho wished to retire from private life. It is now a still more popular resort for Americans suffering fromthirst. Though next door neighbours and rivals in business and, what is stillmore trying, near relatives, Canada and the United States are the bestof friends. For over a hundred years there has not been so much as a picket-fence ora policeman, much less a patrol or a fortification, on the border linebetween the two countries. Canada has not, like her sister Columbia, "severed home ties"; she isperfectly happy under the parental roof, earns her own living, has alatch key and stays out as late as she pleases and has never been ableto understand "why girls leave home. " Though differing in many respects, the United States and Canada have somuch in common and are so nearly of the same age and size that, in anymusical comedy of Nations, the two might easily pass for a "sisterturn. " * * * The inhabitants of Canada are the most Moral and Patriotic people in theWorld, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the WorldWar. [Illustration] CHAPTER XXIII GREAT BRITAIN If you look carefully under the upper left hand corner of the map ofEurope, you will find a small pink island no bigger than the state ofIdaho. [Illustration: THE PLANET JUPITER (from a photograph)] But a Country must not be judged by its size. The Planet Jupiter is twelve times as large as this Giddy Globe of ours, and has eight private moons of its own, but for all that Jupiter is nota desirable spot for Lovers, being for the most part molten, andsomewhat spotty. This little Pink Island is Great Britain, the little mother ofone-fourth of all the countries of the Globe, including the UnitedStates. [Illustration: THE ENGLISH-SPEAKING UNION _From poster by James Montgomery Flagg. _] The English People, or (if one _must_ be accurate) the British, are themost to and fro-ward people in the world; like the bear in the fablewhen they are tired of going _to and fro_ they reverse the process andgo _fro and to_. _With Bibles and Bathtubs_ _And Ballots and Beer_ _And Hope and Hygienics_ _They girdle the Sphere. _ [Illustration: THE PRUDENTIAL HAS THE STRENGTH OF GIBRALTAR] In every quarter of the globe they have planted seeds of self-governmentwhich today are blossoming into an English-Speaking Union under theBritish and American Flags that embrace one-fourth of the surface of theearth. The climate of England is temperate. Its air is not, like that of theUnited States, compared to champagne. London, the capital, is famous for its fogs; this is due to the absenceof Sky-Scrapers. London is also the centre of that vicious heritage of the Victorian Era, Respectability. For any enjoyable degree of latitude, the Londoner must go to Paris, Vienna or Buda Pesth and other capitals, which in return take theirdegrees of longitude from London (or Greenwich). This picture shows the famous Rock of Gibraltar, inscribed with theFrench motto of British respectability (_Honi soit qui mal y pense_)done into English. The principal products of Great Britain are Beef, Bishops, Banks, andBarometers. * * * The inhabitants of England are the most Moral and Patriotic people inthe World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the WorldWar. [Illustration] CHAPTER XXIV SCOTLAND A mountainous, peaty region in the northern part of Great Britain. [Illustration: "The apparel oft proclaims the man. "--HAMLET. ] The Dew distilled from the Scotch mountains, flavoured with the peat ofthe valleys is highly prized by the natives, not only of Scotland but ofall the English speaking countries of this Giddy Globe. The inhabitants are a tall, barb-wiry, music-loving, pious andjoke-fearing race, fond of loud plaids and still Lauder songs. Their tall spare frames have given rise to the term Bony (or Bonny)Scotland, supposed by some to be derived from "Bonnet, " the nationalheadgear. The principal products of Scotland are Porridge, Parsons and Pilbrochs. * * * The inhabitants of Scotland are the most Moral and Patriotic people inthe World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the WorldWar. [Illustration] CHAPTER XXV IRELAND [Illustration: "The apparel oft proclaims the man. "--HAMLET. ] [Illustration] Ireland is the land of the Irish Bull, a paradoxical Bovine whosecross-eyed horns can toss a British commonplace in two directions atonce. The population of Ireland consists chiefly of Absentee landlords andEmigrants to the United States. They are ruled by two Absentee governments, a Parliament at Westminsterand an Itinerant President. [Illustration: SCENE IN IRISH HOUSE OF PARLIAMENT] The country is infested with Absentee Snakes. It is believed that theSerpent who tempted Eve (from the "way he had with the women") was oneof these Absentee snakes. Strabo, the Greek Geographer who visited Ireland long before St. Patrick, describes the inhabitants as, "_more savage than the Britons, feeding on human flesh and enormous eaters, deeming it commendable todevour their deceased fathers_. " Strabo evidently attended a wake and miscalculated the strength of thenational beverage. The principal products of Ireland are Potatoes, Pugilists, Patriots, [A]Poteen and Bernard Shaw. [A] The term _Patriot_ is derived from two Greek words, Pat, a patronymic, and Riot, a national pastime. * * * The inhabitants of Ireland are the most Moral and Patriotic people inthe World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the WorldWar. [Illustration: THE GIDDY GLOBE CONSOLING IRELAND] CHAPTER XXVI WALES [Illustration] _See the Welsh Rabbit--he is bred on cheese;_ _(Or cheese on bread, whichever way you please). _ _Although he's tough, he looks so mild, who'd think_ _That a strong man from this small beast would shrink?_ _Carolyn Wells. _ Wales is the home of the Welsh bards so called because the language inwhich they are written, which resembles a mixture of Chech, Chinese, Celtic and Chocktaw, is _barred_ from the concert and operatic stage. The most famous products of Wales are the Welsh Rabbit, the Prince ofWales and Lloyd George. The Welsh Rabbit, born in a chafing dish and prolific as his namesake ofAustralia, has spread all over the Giddy Globe and been a potent factorin keeping the world awake. Lloyd George too (strange parallel!) was born in a political chafingdish and has been an even more powerful factor in keeping the worldawake. Let us hope that the Prince of Wales (Bless him) will follow in thefootsteps of this illustrious pair and live to keep the world awake longafter this Geography has gone into its hundred thousandth edition! The Prince has been immortalized in the following lines: _"Hurray!" cried the Kitten, _ _"Hurray!"_ _As he merrily set the sails, _ _"I sail o'er the ocean_ _today, today, _ _To look at the Prince of Wales!"_ _"Oh, Kitten, pause at the brink!_ _And think of the angry gales!"_ _"Ah, yes, " cried the Kitten, "but think!_ _Oh, think of the Prince of Wales!"_ _"But, Kitten, " I cried, dismayed, _ _"If you live through the angry gales_ _You know you will be afraid_ _To look at the Prince of Wales!"_ _Said the Kitten, "No such thing!_ _Why should he make me wince?_ _If a Cat may look at a King, _ _A Kitten may look at a Prince!"_ * * * * * PART III FOREIGN COUNTRIES CHAPTER XXVII SOUTH AMERICA From the beginning of time up to the present century, the continents ofNorth and South America were joined together in terrestrial bonds ofmatrimony. [Illustration: SOUTH AMERICAN WILD HORSE (From an instantaneous photograph of an animal cracker)] They were seemingly inseparable. The first indication that everything was not as it should be with thislong united couple, was in the year 1880, when a Frenchman named DeLesseps (who had already succeeded in divorcing Asia and Africa)attempted to bring about a separation. The attempt, however, was a failure, and, after dragging on for eightyears, proceedings were dropped for want of funds. Fourteen years later President Roosevelt, desiring to remove allobstacles to a much desired union of the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans, started a new action for divorce on the same grounds as that of DeLesseps, and in August, 1902, the divorce of North and South America andthe wedding of the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans were simultaneouslycelebrated. The Northern and Southern continents are now better friends than everand the Atlantic Ocean no longer has to sneak round by the back door tospend an evening with the Pacific. CHAPTER XXVIII HOLLAND [Illustration] The Dutch are the cleanest people in the world. So deep-seated is Dutchcleanliness that Godliness (in the next seat) must get up and cling to astrap. In Holland they run cleanliness into the ground, the heads of thecabbages are inspected every day and the ears of the corn and the necksof the bottles scrubbed regularly every Saturday night. The Sky alone escapes the mop of the Dutch housewife but the clouds arekept busy posing for the landscape painters. Even the Wind is not allowed to be idle; wind mills are postedeverywhere and not a breath of air can stir without performing someuseful task. And the Sea! The majestic Sea, that has always boasted of its freedom, is locked up in Dykes and forced to do the work of highways andrailroads. The capital of Holland is the Hague, and here was held the first PeaceConference (in 1898), a gathering of Autocrats and Plutocrats to discussthe Economics of War. _Firstly_, to make rules by which war may be conducted with the leastpossible damage to Vested Interests. _Secondly_, to reduce the cost of war by the use of methods which, whileputting a soldier out of action, will not injure him beyond thepossibility of repair for use in another War. Today the Peace Palace is to let and Andrew Carnegie, who built it, isdead, but another Conference (called by Woodrow Wilson) is to be held inGeneva which, Peter Simple hopes, will abolish War forever. * * * The inhabitants of Holland are the most Moral and Patriotic people inthe World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the WorldWar. CHAPTER XXIX BELGIUM Belgium may be compared to a Hollandaise Sauce with a piquant Gallicflavour. Belgium is the Bridgeway from Prussia to France, and King Albert ofBelgium is the modern Horatius who _" ... Facing fearful odds, _ _For the ashes of his fathers_ _And the temples of his Gods, "_ kept "the bridge" in the brave days of 1914. Crowns are not as fashionable today as they were in 1914, but the Crownof King Albert is of the sort that will never be out of style, andbesides being a perfect fit, is strikingly becoming to him. When Julius Cæsar described the Belgians as the "Bravest of all theGauls" he was a Prophet as well as a Historian. * * * The inhabitants of Belgium are the most Moral and Patriotic people inthe World, and if they hadn't "kept the bridge" the World War couldnever have been won. [Illustration: A PERFECT DAY IN PARIS] CHAPTER XXX FRANCE [Illustration: "The apparel oft proclaims the man. "--HAMLET. ] France is the greatest Millinery Power on earth. The capital of Franceis Paris. Paris, though inhabited largely by Americans and English, is famous forits gaiety. The principal products of Paris are Plaster of Paris, Paris Green, Parasols and Pâté de fois gras. * * Alliteration is the thief of accuracy! _Pâté de fois gras_ is the product of Strasburg. _The Reader. _ The Reader is, for once, mistaken. Paris, as everyone knows, is France, and Strasburg, thanks to Haig, Foch, Albert, Pershing and Co. , is nowFrench. Paris is divided into two parts-- I. Paris Proper. Famous for The Eiffel tower, a sky-scraper that contains no offices andthe Magasin de Louvre which is visited by thousands of Americans daily. There is also another Louvre containing some pictures (hand painted) andstatues. II. Paris Improper. ............................................................. ............................................................. ............................................................. (See Appendix. ) * * * The inhabitants of France are the most Moral and Patriotic people in theWorld, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the WorldWar. CHAPTER XXXI GERMANY _THIS SPACE TO LET_ [Illustration: "The apparel oft proclaims the man. "--HAMLET. ] While Repairs are being made, in the temporary absence of Messrs. Hohenzollern & Co. , the Show Window of this establishment may be rentedfor the display of Bolshevism, Anarchism, Socialism, or any otherpopular Ism that may apply. CHAPTER XXXII SWITZERLAND Switzerland is famous for its Condensed Milk, Cuckoo Clocks, Yodelers, and Heroes. The Swiss are an Artless people. "What more worthy people! Whose every Alpine gap yawns with tradition, and is stocked with noble story, yet, the perverse and scornful one (Art) will none of it, and the sons of patriots are left with the clock that turns the mill, and the sudden cuckoo, with difficulty restrained in its box. " _Whistler. _ * * * The inhabitants of Switzerland are the most Moral and Patriotic peoplein the World and their army is second to none in bravery and won theWorld War. CHAPTER XXXIII MONACO [Illustration] Monaco is the centre of the spinning industry of the world. Over a million and a quarter people go to Monte Carlo every year tospin. * * * The inhabitants of Monaco are the most Moral and Patriotic people in theWorld, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the WorldWar. CHAPTER XXXIV TURKEY [Illustration] When what was once a Turkey comes before us on a platter (like this)shorn of all that endeared it to itself, a burnt offering to Appetite, fresh from the burning, no one questions what will be the "_ ... Lastscene of all. That ends this strange eventful history. _" All he wants to know is whether he will get the particular slice he hasmentally reserved for himself. Just so that other Turkey that sits on the fence between Europe and Asiaand gobbles defiance at an avenging world. The avenging Powers sit round as they have sat round before, waitingeach one for the slice he has mentally reserved for himself. But therewon't be any slices! _You may burn, you may shatter_ _The Turk if you will, _ _He will rise from his ashes_ _And roost with you still. _ He is the modern incarnation of the indestructible Phœnix Bird. Nevertheless we must give the Devil his due; the Turks are a fearlesspeople; they have many wives. * * * The inhabitants of Turkey are the most Moral and Patriotic people in theWorld, and their army is second to none in bravery and they won theWorld War. [Illustration: A PERFECT DAY IN PETROGRAD] CHAPTER XXXV RUSSIA Russia comprises one-sixth of the landscape and snowscape of the Globe. Formerly the property of a Czar named Nicholas, it is now owned by aSuperczar named Lenine. The principal objects of interest are Samovars, Soviets, Sables, and theSteppes. The Steppes of Russia, though vast and quite bare, have nothing to dowith those of the Russian Dancers. At the present stage of Russian Affairs they may better be compared tothe well-known Steps to Avernus, which are for descent only--and easy atthat! Today almost the only articles of Russian Manufacture are Natural Iceand Press Dispatches. Of manufacture of the latter, as regards volume at least, there hasnever been such an enorm----* * Why go on about Russia? _The Reader. _ Quite right! Russia is too large for such a little Geography as this. [Illustration: Map of THE BLACK SEA] We will leave Russia as quickly as possible. Watch your Steppe! CHAPTER XXXVI NORWAY AND SWEDEN It is all very sad about Norway and Sweden! A handsomer countrycouple--or couple of countries--it would be hard to meet anywhere, andso propinquous! Have they not been next-door neighbours from the infancyof the world? And everybody knows what Propinquity does. It is Cupid's middle name; what more natural than that they should getmarried? Haven't you heard? Well, it all happened so quickly, they were marriedin Vienna in 1815, and--well, you know Propinquity is the Devil's middlename, too--they were divorced in 1905 after a brief married life of onlyninety years! What could have been the trouble? Some say the food, others attribute it to the Domestic Drama. Perhaps itwas both. Here is a typical Scandinavian Menu-- Pjkled Ojsters Bjsque of Snajls Frjed Fjsh Natjve Wjne Qujnce Jce-cream Onjons and Bjsqujts It might almost pass for an Ibsen Play with the average theatre-goer; ithas what the average theatre-goer calls "atmosphere. " [Illustration] _I once drew Ibsen, looking bored_ _Across a deep Norwegian Fjord, _ _And very nearly everyone_ _Mistook him for the Midnight Sun. _ Norway is the home of the Ibsenian or stodgy, as distinguished from thestagey, Drama. James Huneker, the eminent Lexicographer, as a compliment to that greatand hirsutiferous playwright, has re-christened Norway "The Land of theMidnight Whiskers. " * * * The inhabitants of Norway and Sweden are the most Moral and PatrioticPeople in the World, and they won the World War. CHAPTER XXXVII AFRICA "The apparel oft proclaims the man. "--HAMLET. Africa is the richest "jack-pot" in the game of territorial "freeze-out"played by the European Powers. The stakes represent diamonds, gold, ivory, rubber and slaves, though the latter are nominally outside thelimit. [Illustration: AN ELEPHANT (From an instantaneous photograph of an animal cracker)] The game began nearly three centuries ago and now in the early morningof the twentieth century (such a fascinating game is Poker!) it is stillin progress, though Germany, who staked all her pile and lost, hasdropped out. [Illustration: A LION (From an instantaneous photograph of an animal cracker)] The ancient Greek Geographer Strabo (64 B. C. ) describes Africa as "thefruitful nurse of large serpents, elephants, antelopes and similaranimals; of lions also and panthers. " He does not mention theChimpanzees, who are the most remarkable of all the aboriginalinhabitants, a gentle and peace-loving race, abstemious without beingbigoted, and patriotic to a high degree, very few survivingtransportation from their native jungle. [Illustration] _Children, behold the Chimpanzee!_ _He sits on the ancestral tree_ _From which we sprang in ages gone, _ _I'm glad we sprang--had we held on_ _We might, for all that I can say, _ _Be horrid Chimpanzees to-day. _ * * * The inhabitants of Africa are the most Moral and Patriotic in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War. CHAPTER XXXVIII ARABIA [Illustration: A Camel (From an instantaneous photograph of an animal cracker)] Arabia is the home of the Camel and the Bedouin. "The Camel may be likened to A desert ship. (This is not new. ) He is a most ungainly craft, With frowning turrets fore and aft We little realize on earth, How much we owe to his great girth, For should he ever shrink so small As through the needle's eye to crawl, Rich men might climb the golden stairs And so leave nothing to their heirs. " The Camel is called the ship of the desert because its gait is said toresemble the motion of a ship. [Illustration: A BEDOUIN / A FOLDING-BEDOUIN] To be strictly accurate it is a hundred times worse than a ship, but notquite so bad as a motor bus. The Bedouin makes his bed in the sand, or bed-rock, avoiding river-bedsor water in any form. He must not be confounded with the Folding-Bedouins of North America. The Folding-Bedouins are a semi-nomadic tribe, supposed by some to berelated to the Hall-Roomanians and the Red-Inkas of Bohemia. * * * The inhabitants of Arabia are the most Moral and Patriotic in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War. CHAPTER XXXIX AUSTRALIA Anyone desiring a change from the wearisome rotation of our seasons, should go to Australia, where Spring commences on September thetwenty-third, Summer on December the twenty-second, Autumn on March thetwenty-first and Winter on June the twenty-first. [Illustration] The Fauna of Australia, as if determined not to be outdone ineccentricity by the Seasons, is represented by the OrnithorynchusParadoxus, which Peter Simple has described in the following lines My child, the Duck-billed Platypus A sad example sets for us. From him we learn how indecision Of character provokes derision. This vacillating beast, you see, Could not decide which he would be-- Fish, flesh or fowl--and chose all three. The scientists were sorely vexed, To classify him so perplexed Their brains that they with rage at bay Called him a horrid name one day, A name that baffles, frights and shocks us Ornithorynchus Paradoxus. * * * The inhabitants of Australia are the most Moral and Patriotic people inthe World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the WorldWar. [Illustration] CHAPTER XL CHINA [Illustration] China is known as the Flowery Kingdom. It is the most exclusiveflower-garden in the world, and is surrounded by a high wall. The only Flower that succeeds in climbing the high wall is the littleflower of Pekoe and her sisters who leave their Porcelain Paradise tocheer without inebriating the dull people of the outside world. The country of China, too, may be likened to a Flower; her treasure isthe envy of the world, and flower-like she must remain rooted to theground while the Busy Bees from other lands relieve her of everythingshe possesses. Everyone agrees that China should have an Open Door, but the Busy BeeNations want a Door that opens only inwards, while the Flower Nationwants a door that opens only outwards. At a recent conference of Bees and Flowers, Peter Simple suggested aRevolving Door as a compromise. A commission was at once appointed by President Chu Chin Chow to reporton Revolving Doors. The matter is still being revolved. It may end in a Revolution. * * * The inhabitants of China are the most Moral and Patriotic people in theWorld, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the WorldWar. CHAPTER XLI JAPAN [Illustration: (Japanese text)] TRANSLATION The inhabitants of Japan are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War. CHAPTER XLII EGYPT, INDIA, ITALY, SPAIN, GREECE, ETC. [Illustration] No work on Geography could be called complete without a description ofthese six (counting, etc. ) countries. If the Reader should ask me how I came to leave six such importantcountries to the last page, I should be compelled to change the subject. Writing a little Geography Book is like packing a very small bag for ajourney round the world, only instead of cramming it with shirts andshoes and collars and handkerchiefs and brushes, you stuff it full ofcountries, and when you try to close it (as with the bag) you alwaysfind that you have left out at least several of the most importantthings. No amount of squeezing (or sitting on the lid) will make room for sixsuch big countries in a little book that is already as full as it canbe. The only thing to do is to take out all the countries and lay them in arow and see which you can get along best without; you can't possiblyspare any of the large countries; the question is how many of the littlecountries together would----* * You are digressing again, worse than ever! This thing has got to stop! _The Reader. _ Oh, very well! If that's the way the Reader feels about it it shall stopright here. [Illustration: THE END] * * * * * EPILOGUE _If this little world to-night_ _Suddenly should fall thro' space_ _In a hissing, headlong flight_ _Shrivelling from off its face, _ _As it falls into the sun, _ _In an instant every trace_ _Of the little crawling things--_ _Ants, philosophers, and lice, _ _Cattle, cockroaches, and kings, _ _Beggars, millionaires, and mice, _ _Men and maggots all as one_ _As it falls into the sun--_ _Who can say but at the same_ _Instant from some planet far_ _A child may watch us and exclaim:_ _"See the pretty shooting star!"_ APPENDIX _See next page. _ THE APPENDIX _has been removed. _