[Illustration: THE AUTHOR] THEYOUNG VISITERSOR, MR SALTEENA'S PLAN BY DAISY ASHFORD WITH A PREFACE BYJ. M. BARRIE NEW YORKGEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY _Copyright_, 1919, _By George H. Doran Company_ _Printed in the United States of America_ [Pg v]PREFACE The "owner of the copyright" guarantees that "The Young Visiters" isthe unaided effort in fiction of an authoress of nine years. "Effort, "however, is an absurd word to use, as you may see by studying thetriumphant countenance of the child herself, which is here reproducedas frontispiece to her sublime work. This is no portrait of a writerwho had to burn the oil at midnight (indeed there is documentaryevidence that she was hauled off to bed every evening at six): it hasan air of careless power; there is a complacency about it that by thesevere might perhaps be called smugness. It needed no effort for thatface to knock off a masterpiece. It probably represents precisely howshe looked when she finished a chapter. When she was actually at workI think the expression [Pg vi] was more solemn, with the tongue firmlyclenched between the teeth; an unholy rapture showing as she drew nearher love chapter. Fellow-craftsmen will see that she is lookingforward to this chapter all the time. The manuscript is in pencil in a stout little note book (twopence), and there it has lain for years, for though the authoress was ninewhen she wrote it she is now a grown woman. It has lain, in lavenderas it were, in the dumpy note book, waiting for a publisher to ridethat way and rescue it; and here he is at last, not a bit afraid thatto this age it may appear "Victorian. " Indeed if its pictures of HighLife are accurate (as we cannot doubt, the authoress seems always sosure of her facts) they had a way of going on in those times which isreally surprising. Even the grand historical figures were free andeasy, such as King Edward, of whom we have perhaps the most humanpicture ever penned, as he appears at a levée "rather sumshiously, " ina "small [Pg vii] but costly crown, " and afterwards slips away to tuckinto ices. It would seem in particular that we are oddly wrong in ouridea of the young Victorian lady as a person more shy and shrinking thanthe girl of to-day. The Ethel of this story is a fascinating creaturewho would have a good time wherever there were a few males, but nolonger could she voyage through life quite so jollily withoutattracting the attention of the censorious. Chaperon seems to be oneof the very few good words of which our authoress had never heard. The lady she had grown into, the "owner of the copyright" alreadyreferred to, gives me a few particulars of this child she used to be, and is evidently a little scared by her. We should probably all be alittle scared (though proud) if that portrait was dumped down in frontof us as ours, and we were asked to explain why we once thought somuch of ourselves as that. Except for the smirk on her face, all I can learn of her now is thatshe was one of [Pg viii] a small family who lived in the country, inventedtheir own games, dodged the governess and let the rest of the world gohang. She read everything that came her way, including, as the contextamply proves, the grown-up novels of the period. "I adored writing andused to pray for bad weather, so that I need not go out but could stayin and write. " Her mother used to have early tea in bed; sometimesvisitors came to the house, when there was talk of events in highsociety: there was mention of places called Hampton Court, the GaietyTheatre and the "Crystale" Palace. This is almost all that is nowremembered, but it was enough for the blazing child. She sucked herthumb for a moment (this is guesswork), and sat down to her amazingtale. "Her mother used to have early tea in bed. " Many authors must have hada similar experience, but they all missed the possibilities of ituntil this young woman came along. It thrilled her; and tea in [Pg ix]bed at last takes its proper place in fiction. "Mr Salteena wokeup rarther early next day and was delighted to find Horace the footmanentering with a cup of tea. Oh thank you my man said Mr Salteenarolling over in the costly bed. Mr Clark is nearly out of the bath sirannounced Horace I will have great pleasure in turning it on for youif such is your desire. Well yes you might said Mr Salteena seeing itwas the idear. " Mr Salteena cleverly conceals his emotion, but as soonas he is alone he rushes to Ethel's door, "I say said Mr Salteenaexcitedly I have had some tea in bed. " "Sometimes visitors came to the house. " Nothing much in that to us, but how consummately this child must have studied them; if youconsider what she knew of them before the "viacle" arrived to takethem back to the station you will never dare to spend another week-endin a house where there may be a novelist of nine years. I am sure thatwhen you left your bedroom this child stole in, examined everything[Pg x] and summed you up. She was particularly curious about the articleson your dressing-table, including the little box containing a reddishpowder, and she never desisted from watching you till she caught youdabbing it on your cheeks. This powder, which she spells "ruge, " wenta little to her head, and it accompanies Ethel on her travels withsuperb effect. For instance, she is careful to put it on to beproposed to; and again its first appearance is excused in words thatshould henceforth be serviceable in every boudoir. "I shall put somered ruge on my face said Ethel becouse I am very pale owing to thedrains in this house. " Those who read will see how the rooms in Hampton Court became the"compartments" in the "Crystale" Palace, and how the "Gaierty" Hotelgrew out of the Gaiety Theatre, with many other agreeable changes. Thenovelist will find the tale a model for his future work. Howincomparably, for instance, the authoress dives [Pg xi] into her storyat once. How cunningly throughout she keeps us on the hooks of suspense, jumping to Mr Salteena when we are in a quiver about Ethel, andturning to Ethel when we are quite uneasy about Mr Salteena. Thisauthoress of nine is flirting with her readers all the time. Her mindis such a rich pocket that as she digs in it (her head to the side andher tongue well out) she sends up showers of nuggets. There seldomprobably was a novelist with such an uncanny knowledge of hischaracters as she has of Mr Salteena. The first line of the taleetches him for all time: "Mr Salteena was an elderly man of 42 andfond of asking people to stay with him. " On the next page Salteenadraws a touching picture of himself in a letter accepting aninvitation: "I do hope I shall enjoy myself with you. I am fond ofdigging in the garden and I am parshal to ladies if they are nice Isuppose it is my nature. I am not quite a gentleman but you wouldhardly notice it but can't be helped anyhow. " [Pg xii] "When the greatmorning arrived Mr Salteena did not have an egg for his breakfast incase he should be sick on the journey. " For my part I love Mr Salteena, who has a touch of Hamlet, and I wished up to the end that Ethel wouldmake him happy, though I never had much hope after I read thedescription of Bernard Clark's legs. It is not to be wondered at that Mr Salteena soon grew "rartherjellous" of Bernard, who showed off from the first. "My own room isnext the bathroom said Bernard it is decerated dark red as I havesomber tastes. The bathroom has got a tip up basin. " Thus was MrSalteena put in his place, and there the cruel authoress (with hertongue farther out than ever) doggedly keeps him. "After dinner Ethelplayed some merry tunes on the piano and Bernard responded with ararther loud song in a base voice and Ethel clapped him a good deal. Then Mr Salteena asked a few riddles as he was not musicle. " No wonderMr Salteena went gloomily to bed, not to [Pg xiii] sleep, but to thinkout the greater riddle of how to become a gentleman, with whichtriumphant adventure the book is largely concerned. To many the most instructive part of the story will be the chapterentitled "Bernard's Idear. " Bernard's "idear" (warmly acclaimed byEthel) is that she and he should go up to London "for a few weeksgaierty. " Something of the kind has often been done in fiction and inguide-books, but never probably in such a hearty way as here. Arrivedat the "Gaierty" Hotel Bernard pokes his head into the "window of thepay desk. Have you a couple of bedrooms for self and young lady heenquired in a lordly way. " He is told that they have two beauties. "Thank you said Bernard we will go up if you have no objection. Nonewhatever sir said the genial lady the beds are well aired and the viewquite pleasant. Come along Ethel cried Bernard this sounds alright eh. Oh quite said Ethel with a beaming smile. " He decides gallantly [Pg xiv]that the larger room shall be hers. "I shall be quite lost in thatlarge bed, " Ethel says. "Yes I expect you will said Bernard and nowwhat about a little table d'ote followed by a theatre?" Bernard's proposal should be carried in the pocket of all futureswains. He decides "whilst imbibing his morning tea beneath the pinksilken quilt, " that to propose in London would not be the "correctidear. " He springs out of bed and knocks at Ethel's door. "Are you upmy dear? he called. Well not quite said Ethel hastily jumping from herdowny nest. " He explains his "idear. " "Oh hurrah shouted Ethel I shallsoon be ready as I had my bath last night so won't wash very muchnow. " They go up the river in a boat, and after they had eaten and "drunkdeeply of the charming viands ending up with merangs and chocklates, "Bernard says "in a passionate voice Let us now bask under thespreading trees. Oh yes lets said Ethel. " "Ethel he murmered in atrembly voice. [Pg xv] Oh what is it said Ethel. " What it was (as wellshe knew) was love eternal. Ethel accepts him, faints and is brought backto life by a clever "idear" of Bernard's, who pours water on her. "Shesoon came to and looked up with a sickly smile. Take me back to the'Gaierty' Hotel she whispered faintly. With pleasure my darling saidBernard I will just pack up our viands ere I unloose the boat. Ethelfelt better after a few drops of champaigne and began to tidy her hairwhile Bernard packed the remains of the food. Then arm in arm theytottered to the boat, I trust you have not got an illness my darlingmurmured Bernard as he helped her in, Oh no I am very strong saidEthel I fainted from joy she added to explain matters. Oh I see saidBernard handing her a cushion well some people do he added kindly. " "So I will end my chapter, " the authoress says; and we can picture herdoing it complacently, and slowly pulling in her tongue. Ethel was married in the Abbey. Her [Pg xvi] wedding dress was "a richsatin with a humped pattern of gold on the pure white and it had a longtrain edged with Airum lillies. " "You will indeed be a charmingspectacle my darling gasped Bernard as they left the shop, " and I haveno doubt she was. She got many delightful presents, the nicest of allbeing from her father, who "provided a cheque for £2 and promised tosend her a darling little baby calf when ready. " This is perhaps theprettiest touch in the story and should make us all take off our hatsto the innocent wondering mind that thought of it. Poor Mr Salteena. He was at the wedding, dressed in black and cryinginto his handkerchief. However he recovered to an extent and marriedAnother and had ten children, "five of each, " none of them of courseequal to Ethel's children, of whom in a remarkably short time therewere seven, which the authoress evidently considers to be the right"idear. " It seems to me to be a remarkable work [Pg xviii] for a child, remarkableeven in its length and completeness, for when children turn author theyusually stop in the middle, like the kitten when it jumps. Thepencilled MS. Has been accurately reproduced, not a word added or cutout. Each chapter being in one long paragraph, however, this has beensubdivided for the reader's comfort. J. M. BARRIE. [Pg xix]CONTENTS CHAPTER PAGE 1 Quite a Young Girl 23 2 Starting Gaily 27 3 The First Evening 36 4 Mr. Salteenas Plan 41 5 The Crystal Palace 45 6 High Life 59 7 Bernards Idear 74 8 A Gay Call 79 9 A Proposale 88 10 Preparing for the Fray 95 11 The Wedding 99 12 How It Ended 102 THE YOUNG VISITERS [Pg 23]The Young Visiters CHAPTER 1 QUITE A YOUNG GIRL Mr Salteena was an elderly man of 42 and was fond of asking peaple tostay with him. He had quite a young girl staying with him of 17 namedEthel Monticue. Mr Salteena had dark short hair and mustache andwiskers which were very black and twisty. He was middle sized and hehad very pale blue eyes. He had a pale brown suit but on Sundays hehad a black one and he had a topper every day as he thorght it morebecoming. Ethel Monticue had fair hair done on the top and blue eyes. She had a blue velvit frock which had grown rarther short in thesleeves. She had a black straw hat and kid gloves. [Pg 24]One morning Mr Salteena came down to brekfast and found Ethel had comedown first which was strange. Is the tea made Ethel he said rubbinghis hands. Yes said Ethel and such a quear shaped parcel has come foryou Yes indeed it was a quear shape parcel it was a hat box tied downvery tight and a letter stuffed between the string. Well well said MrSalteena parcels do turn quear I will read the letter first and sosaying he tore open the letter and this is what it said My dear Alfred. I want you to come for a stop with me so I have sent you a top hat wraped up in tishu paper inside the box. Will you wear it staying with me because it is very uncommon. Please bring one of your young ladies whichever is the prettiest in the face. I remain Yours truely Bernard Clark. [Pg 25]Well said Mr Salteena I shall take you to stay Ethel and fancy himsending me a top hat. Then Mr S. Opened the box and there lay the mostsplendid top hat of a lovly rich tone rarther like grapes with aribbon round compleat. Well said Mr Salteena peevishly I dont know if I shall like it the bowof the ribbon is too flighty for my age. Then he sat down and eat theegg which Ethel had so kindly laid for him. After he had finished hismeal he got down and began to write to Bernard Clark he ran up stairson his fat legs and took out his blotter with a loud sniff and this iswhat he wrote My dear Bernard Certinly I shall come and stay with you next Monday I will bring Ethel Monticue commonly called Miss M. She is very active and pretty. I do hope I shall enjoy myself with you. I am fond of digging in the garden and I am parshial to ladies if [Pg 26] they are nice I suppose it is my nature. I am not quite a gentleman but you would hardly notice it but cant be helped anyhow. We will come by the 3-15. Your old and valud friend Alfred Salteena. Perhaps my readers will be wondering why Bernard Clark had asked MrSalteena to stay with him. He was a lonely man in a remote spot and heliked peaple and partys but he did not know many. What rot mutteredBernard Clark as he read Mr Salteenas letter. He was rarther apresumshious man. [Illustration: THE FIRST PAGE OF THE ORIGINAL MANUSCRIPT] [Pg 27]CHAPTER 2 STARTING GAILY When the great morning came Mr Salteena did not have an egg for hisbrekfast in case he should be sick on the jorney. What top hat will you wear asked Ethel. I shall wear my best black and my white alpacka coat to keep off thedust and flies replied Mr Salteena. I shall put some red ruge on my face said Ethel because I am very paleowing to the drains in this house. You will look very silly said Mr Salteena with a dry laugh. Well so will you said Ethel in a snappy tone and she ran out of theroom with a very superier run throwing out her legs behind and herarms swinging in rithum. [Pg 28]Well said the owner of the house she has a most idiotick run. Presently Ethel came back in her best hat and a lovly velvit coat ofroyal blue. Do I look nice in my get up she asked. Mr Salteena survayed her. You look rarther rash my dear your colorsdont quite match your face but never mind I am just going up to saygoodbye to Rosalind the housemaid. Well dont be long said Ethel. Mr S. Skipped upstairs to Rosalindsroom. Goodbye Rosalind he said I shall be back soon and I hope I shallenjoy myself. I make no doubt of that sir said Rosalind with a blush as Mr Salteenasilently put 2/6 on the dirty toilet cover. Take care of your bronkitis said Mr S. Rarther bashfully and hehastilly left the room waving his hand carelessly to the housemaid. Come along cried Ethel powdering her nose in the hall let us get intothe cab. Mr [Pg 29] Salteena did not care for powder but he was anunselfish man so he dashed into the cab. Sit down said Ethel as thecabman waved his whip you are standing on my luggage. Well I am payingfor the cab said Mr S. So I might be allowed to put my feet were I like. They traveled 2nd class in the train and Ethel was longing to go firstbut thought perhaps least said soonest mended. Mr Salteena got veryexcited in the train about his visit. Ethel was calm but she feltexcited inside. Bernard has a big house said Mr. S. Gazing at Ethel heis inclined to be rich. Oh indeed said Ethel looking at some cows flashing past the window. Mr. S. Felt rarther disheartened so he read the paper till the trainstopped and the porters shouted Rickamere station. We had bettercollect our traps said Mr Salteena and just then a very exaltedfootman in a cocked hat and olive green uniform put his head in [Pg 30]at the window. Are you for Rickamere Hall he said in impressive tones. Well yes I am said Mr Salteena and so is this lady. Very good sir said the noble footman if you will alight I will see toyour luggage there is a convayance awaiting you. Oh thankyou thankyou said Mr. S. And he and Ethel stepped along theplatform. Outside they found a lovely cariage lined with olive greencushons to match the footman and the horses had green bridles and bowson their manes and tails. They got gingerly in. Will he bring ourluggage asked Ethel nervously. I expect so said Mr Salteena lighting a very long cigar. Do we tip him asked Ethel quietly. Well no I dont think so not yet we had better just thank himperlitely. Just then the footman staggered out with the bagage. Ethel bowedgracefully over the door of the cariage and Mr S. Waved his [Pg 31] handas each bit of luggage was hoisted up to make sure it was all there. Then he said thankyou my good fellow very politely. Not at all sir saidthe footman and touching his cocked hat he jumped actively to the box. I was right not to tip him whispered Mr Salteena the thing to do is toleave 2/6 on your dressing table when your stay is over. Does he find it asked Ethel who did not really know at all how to goon at a visit. I beleeve so replied Mr Salteena anyhow it is quite thecustom and we cant help it if he does not. Now my dear what do youthink of the sceenery Very nice said Ethel gazing at the rich fur rug on her knees. Justthen the cariage rolled into a beautifull drive with tall trees andbig red flowers growing amid shiny dark leaves. Presently the haughtycoachman pulled up with a great clatter at a huge front door with tallpillers each side a big iron bell and two very clean scrapers. Thedoors flung open as if by majic causing [Pg 32] Ethel to jump and a portlybutler appeared on the scene with a very shiny shirt front and a hugepale face. Welcome sir he exclaimed good naturedly as Mr Salteenaalighted rarther quickly from the viacle and please to step inside. Mr Salteena stepped in as bid followed by Ethel. The footman againstruggled with the luggage and the butler Francis Minnit by namekindly lent a hand. The hall was very big and hung round with guns andmate and ancesters giving it a gloomy but a grand air. The butler thenshowed them down a winding corridoor till he came to a door which heflung open shouting Mr Salteena and a lady sir. A tall man of 29 rose from the sofa. He was rarther bent in the middlewith very nice long legs fairish hair and blue eyes. Hullo Alf old boyhe cried so you have got here all safe and no limbs broken. None thankyou Bernard replied Mr Salteena shaking hands and let meintroduce [Pg 33] Miss Monticue she is very pleased to come for thisvisit. Oh yes gasped Ethel blushing through her red ruge. Bernard lookedat her keenly and turned a dark red. I am glad to see you he said I hopeyou will enjoy it but I have not arranged any partys yet as I dontknow anybody. Dont worry murmered Ethel I dont mix much in Socierty and she gave hima dainty smile. I expect you would like some tea said Bernard I will ring. Yes indeed we should said Mr Salteena egerly. Bernard pealed on thebell and the butler came in with a stately walk. Tea please Minnit crid Bernard Clark. With pleshure sir replied Minnitwith a deep bow. A glorious tea then came in on a gold tray two kindsof bread and butter a lovly jam role and lots of sugar cakes. Ethelseyes began to sparkle and she made several remarks during the meal. Iexpect [Pg 34] you would now like to unpack said Bernard when it was over. Well yes that is rarther an idear said Mr Salteena. I have given the best spare room to Miss Monticue said Bernard with agallant bow and yours turning to Mr Salteena opens out of it so youwill be nice and friendly both the rooms have big windows and ahandsome view. How charming said Ethel. Yes well let us go up replied Bernard and heled the way up many a winding stairway till they came to an oak doorwith some lovly swans and bull rushes painted on it. Here we are hecried gaily. Ethels room was indeed a handsome compartment with purplesilk curtains and a 4 post bed draped with the same shade. The toilitset was white and mouve and there were some violets in a costly varse. Oh I say cried Ethel in supprise. I am glad you like it said Bernardand here we have yours Alf. He opened [Pg 35] the dividing doors andportrayed a smaller but dainty room all in pale yellow and wildprimroses. My own room is next the bath room said Bernard it isdecerated dark red as I have somber tastes. The bath room has got atip up bason and a hose thing for washing your head. A good notion said Mr Salteena who was secretly getting jellus. Here we will leave our friends to unpack and end this Chapter. [Pg 36]CHAPTER 3 THE FIRST EVENING When they had unpacked Mr Salteena and Ethel went downstairs todinner. Mr Salteena had put on a compleat evening suit as he thoughtit was the correct idear and some ruby studs he had got at a sale. Ethel had on a dress of yellaw silk covered with tulle which was quitein the fashion and she had on a necklace which Mr Salteena gave herfor a birthday present. She looked very becomeing and pretty andBernard heaved a sigh as he gave her his arm to go into dinner. Thebutler Minnit was quite ready for the fray standing up very stiff andsurrounded by two footmen in green plush and curly white wigs who werecalled Charles and Horace. Well said Mr Salteena lapping up his [Pg 37] turtle soup you have avery sumpshous house Bernard. His friend gave a weary smile and swollowed a few drops of sherrywine. It is fairly decent he replied with a bashful glance at Ethelafter our repast I will show you over the premisis. Many thanks said Mr Salteena getting rarther flustered with his forks. You ourght to give a ball remarked Ethel you have such largecompartments. Yes there is room enough sighed Bernard we might try a few steps andmeanwhile I might get to know a few peaple. So you might responded Ethel giving him a speaking look. Mr Salteena was growing a little peevish but he cheered up when thePort wine came on the table and the butler put round some costlyfinger bowls. He did not have any in his own house and he followedBernard Clarks advice as to what to do with them. After dinner Ethelplayed some [Pg 38] merry tunes on the piano and Bernard responded witha rarther loud song in a base voice and Ethel clapped him a good deal. Then Mr Salteena asked a few riddles as he was not musicle. ThenBernard said shall I show you over my domain and they strolled intothe gloomy hall. I see you have a lot of ancesters said Mr Salteena in a jelous tone, who are they. Well said Bernard they are all quite correct. This is my aunt Carolineshe was rarther exentrick and quite old. So I see said Mr Salteena and he passed on to a lady with a very tightwaist and quearly shaped. That is Mary Ann Fudge my grandmother Ithink said Bernard she was very well known in her day. Why asked Ethel who was rarther curious by nature. Well I dont quite know said Bernard but she was and he moved away tothe next picture. It was of a man with a fat smiley face and a redribbon round him and a lot [Pg 39] of medals. My great uncle AmbroseFudge said Bernard carelessly. He looks a thourough ancester said Ethel kindly. Well he was said Bernard in a proud tone he was really the Sinisterson of Queen Victoria. Not really cried Ethel in excited tones but what does that mean. Well I dont quite know said Bernard Clark it puzzles me very much butancesters do turn quear at times. Peraps it means god son said Mr Salteena in an inteligent voice. Well I dont think so said Bernard but I mean to find out. It is very grand anyhow said Ethel. It is that replied her host geniully. Who is this said Mr Salteena halting at a picture of a lady holding upsome grapes and smiling a good deal. Her name was called Minnie Pilato responded Bernard she was rartherfar back [Pg 40] but a real relation and she was engaged to the earl ofTullyvarden only it did not quite come off. What a pity crid Ethel. Yes it was rarther replied Bernard but she marrid a Captain in theNavy and had seven children so she was quite alright. Here Mr Salteena thourght he had better go to bed as he had had a longjornney. Bernard always had a few prayers in the hall and some whiskeyafterwards as he was rarther pious but Mr Salteena was not veryadicted to prayers so he marched up to bed. Ethel stayed as shethourght it would be a good thing. The butler came in as he was a veryholy man and Bernard piously said the Our Father and a very good hymmcalled I will keep my anger down and a Decad of the Rosary. Ethelchimed in quiutly and Francis Minnit was most devout and Ethelthourght what a good holy family she was stopping with. So I will endmy chapter. [Pg 41]CHAPTER 4 MR SALTEENAS PLAN Mr Salteena woke up rarther early next day and was supprised anddelighted to find Horace the footman entering with a cup of tea. Oh thankyou my man said Mr Salteena rolling over in the costly bed. MrClark is nearly out of the bath sir anounced Horace I will have greatplesure in turning it on for you if such is your desire. Well yes youmight said Mr Salteena seeing it was the idear and Horace gave aprofound bow. Ethel are you getting up shouted Mr Salteena. Very nearly replied Ethel faintly from the next room. I say said Mr Salteena excitedly I have had some tea in bed. [Pg 42]So have I replied Ethel. Then Mr Salteena got into a mouve dressing goun with yellaw tasslesand siezing his soap he wandered off to the bath room which was mostsumpshous. It had a lovly white shiny bath and sparkling taps andseveral towels arrayed in readiness by thourghtful Horace. It also hada step for climbing up the bath and other good dodges of a richnature. Mr Salteena washed himself well and felt very much better. After brekfast Mr Salteena asked Bernard if he could have some priviteconversation with him. Well yes replied Bernard if you will come intomy study we can have a few words. Cant I come too muttered Ethel sulkily. No my dear said Mr Salteena this is privite. Perhaps later I might have a privite chat with you Miss Monticue saidBernard kindly. Oh do lets said Ethel. [Pg 43]Then Bernard and Mr S. Strolled to the study and sat upon two armchairs. Fire away said Bernard lighting his pipe. Well I cant exactlydo that said Mr Salteena in slow tones it is a searious matter and youcan advise me as you are a thorugh gentleman I am sure. Well yes said Bernard what can I do for you eh Alf? You can help me perhaps to be more like a gentleman said Mr Salteenagetting rarther hot I am quite alright as they say but I would like tobe the real thing can it be done he added slapping his knees. I dont quite know said Bernard it might take a good time. Might it said Mr S. But I would slave for years if need be. Bernardscratched his head. Why dont you try the Crystal Pallace he askedseveral peaple Earls and even dukes have privite compartments there. But I am not an Earl said Mr Salteena in a purplexed tone. [Pg 44]True replied Bernard but I understand there are sort of students therewho want to get into the War Office and notable banks. Would that be a help asked Mr Salteena egerly. Well it might said Bernard I can give you a letter to my old pal theEarl of Clincham who lives there he might rub you up and by mixingwith him you would probably grow more seemly. Oh ten thousand thanks said Mr Salteena I will go there as soon as itcan be arranged if you would be so kind as to keep an eye on Ethelwhile I am away. Oh yes said Bernard I may be running up to town for a few days and shecould come too. You are too kind said Mr Salteena and I dont think you will find herany trouble. No I dont think I shall said Bernard she is a pretty girl cheerful andactive. And he blushed rarther red. [Pg 45]CHAPTER 5 THE CRYSTAL PALACE About 9 oclock next morning Mr Salteena stood bag in hand in theancestle hall waiting for the viacle to convay him to the station. Bernard Clark and Ethel were seated side by side on a costly sofagazing abstractly at the parting guest. Horace had dashed off to puton his cocked hat as he was going in the baroushe but Francis Minnitwas roaming about the hall well prepared for any deed. Well said Bernard puffing at his meershum pipe I hope you will get onAlf I am sure you have that little letter to old Clincham eh In deed I have said Mr Salteena many thanks for the same and I do hopeEthel will behave properly. [Pg 46]Oh yes I expect she will said Bernard with a sigh. I always do said Ethel in a snappy tone. Just then there was a great clatter outside and the sound of hoofs anda loud neigh. The barouche I take it said Bernard rising slowly. Quite correct sir said Minnit flinging wide the portles. Well goodbye Alf old man said Bernard Clark good luck and God blessyou he added in a pius tone. Not at all said Mr Salteena I have enjoyed my stop which has beenshort and sweet well goodbye Ethel my child he said as bag in hand heproceeded to the door. Francis Minnit bowed low and handed a smallparcel to Mr Salteena a few sandwighs for the jorney sir he remarked. Oh this is most kind said Mr Salteena. Minnit closed his eyes with a tired smile. Not kind sir he mutteredquite usual. Oh really said Mr Salteena feeling rather [Pg 47] flabergasted wellgoodbye my good fellow and he slipped 2/6 into the butlers open palm. Mr Salteena had to travel first class as active Horace ran on to buythe ticket which he presented with a low bow the _Times_ and_Tit-Bits_. Oh many thanks my man said Mr Salteena in a most airyvoice now will you find me a corner seat in the train eh. If there is one sir replied Horace. In got Mr Salteena to his first class carrage surrounded by hisluggage carefully piled up by kindly Horace. The other pasengerslooked full of envy at the curly white wig and green plush uniform ofHorace. Mr Salteena crossed his legs in a lordly way and flung a furrug over his knees though he was hot enough in all consciunce. Hebegan to feel this was the thin end of the partition and he smiled ashe gently tapped the letter in his coat tail pocket. When Mr Salteenaarrived in [Pg 48] London he began to strolle up the principle streetsthinking how gay all was. Presently he beheld a resterant with a bigMenu outside and he went boldly in. It was a sumpshous spot all done up in gold with plenty of lookingglasses. Many hansome ladies and gentlemen were already partaking ofchoice food and rich wines and whiskey and the scene was most lively. Mr Salteena had a little whiskey to make him feel more at home. Thenhe eat some curry to the tune of a merry valse on the band. He beattime to the music and smiled kindly at the waiters and he felt veryexcited inside. I am seeing life with a vengance he muttered tohimself as he paid his bill at the desk. Outside Mr Salteena found atall policeman. Could you direct me to the Crystale Pallace if youplease said Mr Salteena nervously. Well said the geniul policeman my advice would be to take a cab sir. [Pg 49]Oh would it said Mr Salteena then I will do so. He hailed a Hansome and got speedily in to the Crystal Palace he criedgaily and holding his bag on his knees he prepared to enjoy the sightsof the Metropilis. It was a merry drive and all too soon the Palaceheaved in view. Mr Salteena sprang out and paid the man and then heentered the wondrous edifice. His heart beat very fast as two huge menin gold braid flung open the doors. Inside was a lovely fountain inthe middle and all round were little stalls where you could buy sweetsand lemonade also scent handkerchiefs and many dainty articles. Therewere a lot of peaple but nobody very noteable. At last after buying two bottles of scent and some rarther nice sweetswhich stuck to his teeth Mr Salteena beheld a wooden door on which wasnailed a notice saying To the Privite Compartments. Ah ha said Mr Salteena to himself this is [Pg 50] evidently my next move, and he gently pushed open the door straitening his top hat as he did so. Inside he found himself in a dimly lit passage with a thick andhandsom carpet. Mr Salteena gazed round and beheld in the gloom a verysuperier gentleman in full evening dress who was reading a newspaperand warming his hands on the hot water pipes. Mr Salteena advanced ontiptoe and coughed gently as so far the gentleman had paid noattention. However at the second cough he raised his eyes in a wearyfashion. Do you want anything he asked in a most noble voice. Mr Salteena got very flustered. Well I am seeking the Earl of Clinchamhe began in a trembly voice are you by any chance him he added mostrespectfully. No not exacktly replied the other my name happens to be EdwardProcurio. I am half italian and I am the Groom of the Chambers. [Pg 51]What chambers asked Mr Salteena blinking his eyes. These said Edward Procurio waving a thin arm. Mr Salteena then noticed several red doors with names of people oneach one. Oh I see he said then perhaps you can tell me where the Earlof Clincham is to be found. At the end of the passage fourth door down said Procurio tritely ofcourse he may be out one never knows what they are up to. I suppose not said Mr Salteena in an interested tone. One can not gamble on anything really said Procurio returning to thehot water pipes though of course I know a lot more than most peapleabout the inmates here. What are the habbits of the Earl of Clincham said Mr Salteena. Procurio gave a smile many and varius he replied I cant say much in myposition [Pg 52] but one lives and learns. He heaved a sigh and shrugedhis shoulders. Well good day said Mr Salteena feeling better for the chat. Procurio nodded in silence as Mr Salteena trotted off down thepassage. At last he came to a door labelled Clincham Earl of in bigletters. With a beating heart Mr Salteena pulled the bell and the doorswung open of its own accord. At the same moment a cheery voice rangout from the distance. Come in please I am in the study first door onleft. With a nervous bound Mr Salteena obeyd these directions and foundhimself in a small but handsome compartment done in dark green letherwith crests on the chairs. Over the mantlepiece was hung the paintingof a lady in a low neck looking quite the thing. By the desk wasseated a tall man of 35 with very nice eyes of a twinkly nature andcurly hair he wore a quite plain suit of palest grey but well [Pg 53]made and on the table reposed a grey top hat which had evidently beenon his head recently. He had a rose in his button hole also a signetring. Hullo said this pleasant fellow as Mr. Salteena was spell bound onmat. Hullo your Lord Ship responded our hero bowing low and dropping histop hat do I adress the Earl of Clincham. You do said the Earl with a homely smile and who do I adress eh. Our hero bowed again Alfred Salteena he said in deep tones. Oh I see said the kindly earl well come in my man and tell me who youare. Mr Salteena seated himself gingerly on the edge of a crested chair. To tell you the truth my Lord I am not anyone of import and I am not agentleman as they say he ended getting very red and hot. Have some whiskey said lord Clincham and he poured the liquid into aglass at his [Pg 54] elbow. Mr. Salteena lapped it up thankfully. Well my man said the good natured earl what I say is what dose itmatter we cant all be of the Blood royal can we. No said Mr Salteena but I suppose you are. Lord Clincham waved a careless hand. A small portion flows in my vienshe said but it dose not worry me at all and after all he added piouslyat the Day of Judgement what will be the odds. Mr Salteena heaved a sigh. I was thinking of this world he said. Oh I see said the Earl but my own idear is that these things are aspiffle before the wind. Not being an earl I cant say answered our hero but may I beg you toread this letter my Lord. He produced Bernards note from his coattails. The Earl of Clincham took it in his long fingers. This is whathe read. [Pg 55] My dear Clincham The bearer of this letter is an old friend of mine not quite the right side of the blanket as they say in fact he is the son of a first rate butcher but his mother was a decent family called Hyssopps of the Glen so you see he is not so bad and is desireus of being the correct article. Could you rub him up a bit in Socierty ways. I dont know much details about him but no doubt he will supply all you need. I am keeping well and hope you are. I must run up to the Compartments one day and look you up. Yours as ever your faithfull friend Bernard Clark. The Earl gave a slight cough and gazed at Mr Salteena thourghtfully. Have you much money he asked and are you prepared to spend a gooddeal. Oh yes quite gasped Mr Salteena I have plenty in the bank and £10 inready gold in my purse. [Pg 56]You see these compartments are the haunts of the Aristockracy said theearl and they are kept going by peaple who have got something funny intheir family and who want to be less mere if you can comprehend. Indeed I can said Mr Salteena. Personally I am a bit parshial to mere people said his Lordship butthe point is that we charge a goodly sum for our training here buthowever if you cant pay you need not join. I can and will proclaimed Mr Salteena and he placed a £10 note on thedesk. His Lordship slipped it in his trouser pocket. It will be £42before I have done with you he said but you can pay me here and thereas convenient. Oh thankyou cried Mr Salteena. Not at all said the Earl and now to bissness. While here you will livein compartments in the basement known as Lower Range. You will getmany hints from the Groom of the Chambers as to clothes and [Pg 57]ettiquett to menials. You will mix with me for grammer and I might takeyou out hunting or shooting sometimes to give you a few tips. Also Ihave lots of ladies partys which you will attend occasionally. Mr Salteenas eyes flashed with excitement. I shall enjoy that hecried. His Lordship coughed loudly. You may not marry while under instructionhe said firmly. Oh I shall not need to thankyou said Mr Salteena. You must also decide on a profeshion said his Lordship as yourinstruction will vary according. Could I be anything at Buckingham Pallace said Mr Salteena withflashing eyes. Oh well I dont quite know said the noble earl but you might perhapsgallopp beside the royal baroushe if you care to try. Oh indeed I should cried Mr Salteena I am very fond of fresh air androyalties. Well said the earl with a knowing smile [Pg 58] I might arrange it withthe prince of Wales who I am rarther intimate with. Not really gasped Mr Salteena. Dear me yes remarked the earl carelessly and if we decide for you togallopp by the royal viacle you must be mesured for some plushknickerbockers at once. Mr Salteena glanced at his rarther fat legs and sighed. Well I must go out now and call on a few Dowigers said his Lordshippicking up his elegent top hat. Well au revoir he added with a goodfrench accent. Adieu my Lord cried Mr Salteena not to be out done we meet anon I takeit. Not till tomorrow answered the earl you will now proceed to the lowerregions where you will no doubt find tea. He nodded kindly and glidedout in silence. Here I will end my chapter. [Pg 59]CHAPTER 6 HIGH LIFE Mr Salteena awoke next morning in his small but pleasant room. It wasdone in green and white with Monagrams on the toilit set. He had atiny white bed with a green quilt and a picture of the Nativaty andone of Windsor Castle on the walls. The sun was shining over all thesethings as Mr Salteena opened his sleepy eyes. Just then there was rattat on the door. Come in called Mr Salteena and in came EdwardProcurio ballancing a tray very cleverly. He looked most elegant withhis shiny black hair and pale yellow face and half shut eyes. Hesmiled in a very mystearious and superier way as he placed the tray onMr Salteenas pointed knees. Your early beverage he announced and [Pg 60] began to pull up the blindsstill smiling to himself. Oh thankyou cried Mr Salteena feeling very towzld compared to thisgrand fellow. Then to his great supprise Procurio began to open thewardrobe and look at Mr Salteenas suits making italian exclamationsunder his breath. Mr Salteena dare not say a word so he swollowed histea and eat a Marie biscuit hastilly. Presently Procurio advanced tothe bed with a bright blue serge suit. Will you wear this today sir heasked quietly. Oh certainly said Mr Salteena. And a clean shirt would not come amiss said Procurio what about thispale blue and white stripe. With pleashure replied Mr Salteena. So Procurio laid them out in neatarray also a razer and brush for shaving. Then he opened a door sayingThis is the bath room shall I turn on hot or cold. [Pg 61]I dont mind said Mr Salteena feeling very hot and ignorant. It is best for you to decide sir said Procurio firmly. Well I will try cold said Mr Salteena feeling it was more manly to saythat. Procurio bowed and beat a retreat to the bath room. Then hereturned and told Mr. Salteena that when he was washed he would findhis breakfast in the sitting room. When Mr Salteena was dressed in hisbest blue suit and clean shirt he stroled into the sitting room wherea gay canary was singing fit to burst in the window and a copple ofdoves cooing in a whicker cage. A cheery smell greeted him as Procurioglided in with some steaming coffie. Mr Salteena felt more at home andpassed a few remarks about the weather. Procurio smiled and uncoveredsome lovely kidnys on toast and as he did so bent and whispered in MrSalteenas ear you could have come in in your dressing gown. [Pg 62]Mr Salteena gave a start. Oh can I he said ten thousand thanks. Then Procurio passed out and Mr Salteena finnished his kidneys andchiruped to the birds and had a cigarette from a handsome purple boxwhich he found on the desk. Then Procurio entered once more and with abow said. His lordship is going to a levie this morning and thinks itmight amuse you to go too. Could you be ready by 11 oclock. Oh yes what fun said Mr Salteena have you any notion what a levie ismy man. Procurio gave a superier smile. It is a party given by the Queen tovery superier peaple but this one is given by the Prince of Wales asthe Queen is not quite her usual self today. It will be at Buckinghampalace so you will drive with his lordship. Mr Salteena was fearfully excited. What shall I weare he gasped. Well of course you ought to have black satin knickerbockers and a hatwith white [Pg 63] feathers also garters and a star or two. You supprise me said Mr Salteena I have none of those articles. Well said Procurio kindly his lordship will lend you his second bestcocked hat as you are obliged to wear one and I think with a littlethourght I might rig you up so as to pass muster. Then they rumaged among Mr Salteenas things and Procurio got veryintelligent and advised Mr Salteena to were his black evening suit androle up his trousers. He also lent him a pair of white silk stockingswhich he fastened tightly round his knees with red rosettes. Then hequickly cut out a star in silver paper and pinned it to his chest andalso added a strip of red ribbon across his shirt front. Then MrSalteena survayed himself in the glass. Is it a fancy dress party heasked. No they always were that kind of thing but wait till you see hisLordship--if you are ready sir I will conduct you in. [Pg 64]Mr Salteena followed Procurio up countless stairs till they came tothe Earls compartments and tapped on the bedroom door. Come in cried a merry voice and in they strode. I have done my best with Mr Salteena my lord I trust he will do thehat of course will make a deal of diffrence. Mr Salteena bowed nervously wishing he had got correct knickerbockersas his trousers did not feel too firm in spite of the garters. Not half bad cried the earl try on the hat Salteena it is on my bed. Mr Salteena placed it on his head and the feathers and gold braidbecame him very well but he felt very jellous of the earl who looked asight for the gods. He had proper satin knickerbockers with diamondclasps and buckled shoes and black silk stockings which showed up hislong fine legs. He had a floppy shirt of softist muslin with real lacecollar and cuffs. A sword hung at [Pg 65] his side and a crimson sashwas round his waist and a splendid cocked hat on his head. His blueeyes twinkled as he pulled on a pair of white kid gloves. Well come on Salteena he cried and dont be nervus I will get you apair of knickers tomorrow. Will you get a hansome Procurio. Presently the earl and Mr Salteena were clattering away to Buckinghampalace. You wont mind if I introduce you as Lord Hyssops do you said the earlas he lit his pipe. You see you are sort of mixed up with the familyso it wont matter and will look better. So it would said Mr Salteena what do we do at the levie. Oh we strole round and eat ices and champaigne and that kind of thingand sometimes there is a little music. Is there any dancing asked Mr Salteena. Well not always said the Earl. I am glad of that said Mr Salteena I am [Pg 66] not so nimble as I wasand my garters are a trifle tight. Sometimes we talk about the laws and politics said the earl if HerMajesty is in that kind of a mood. Just then the splendid edifice appeared in view and Mr Salteena lickedhis dry lips at sight of the vast crowd. All round were carrages fullof costly peaple and outside the railings stood tall Life Guardskeeping off the mere peaple who had gathered to watch the nobilityclatter up. Lord Clincham began to bow right and left raising hiscocked hat to his friends. There was a lot of laughter and friendlywords as the cab finally drew up at the front door. Two tall lifeguards whisked open the doors and one of them kindly tipped thecabman. Mr Salteena followed his lordship up the grand steps trying tofeel as homely as he could. Then a splendid looking fellow in a redtunick and a sort of black velvit tam a [Pg 67] shanter stepped forwardfrom the throng shouting what name please. The Earl of Clincham and Lord Hyssops calmly replied the earl gentlynudging Mr Salteena to act up. Mr Salteena nodded and blinked at themenial as much as to say all is well and then he and the earl hung uptheir cocked hats on two pegs. This way cried a deep voice and anothermenial apeared wearing stiff white britches top boots and a greenvelvit coat with a leather belt also a very shiny top hat. Theyfollowed this fellow down countless corridoors and finally came to bigfolding doors. The earl twiddled his mustache and slapped his leg withhis white glove as calmly as could be. Mr Salteena purspired rartherhard and gave a hitch to his garters to make sure. Then the portles divided and their names were shouted in chorus bycountless domesticks. The sumshious room was packed with men of anoble nature dressed like the earl in satin knickerboccers etc andwith [Pg 68] ladies of every hue with long trains and jewels by thedozen. You could hardly moove in the gay throng. Dukes were as noughtas there were a good lot of princes and Arch Dukes as it was a verysuperier levie indeed. The earl and Mr Salteena struggled through thecrowd till they came to a platform draped with white velvit. Here on agolden chair was seated the prince of Wales in a lovely ermine cloakand a small but costly crown. He was chatting quite genially with someof the crowd. Up clambered the earl followed at top speed by Mr Salteena. Hullo Clincham cried the Prince quite homely and not at all grand soglad you turned up--quite a squash eh. A bit over powering your Highness said the earl who was quite used toall this may I introduce my friend Lord Hyssops he is staying with meso I thought I would bring him along if you dont mind Prince. Not at all cried the genial prince looking [Pg 69] rarther supprised. Mr Salteena bowed so low he nearly fell off the platform and as theprince put out a hand Mr Salteena thought he had better kiss it. ThePrince smiled kindly I am pleased to see you Lord Hyssops he said in aregal voice. Then the Earl chipped in and how is the dear Queen he said reveruntly. Not up to much said his Highness she feels the heat poor soul and hewaved to a placard which said in large letters The Queen isindisposed. Presently his Highness rose I think I will have a quiet glass ofchampaigne he said you come too Clincham and bring your friend theDiplomats are arriving and I am not much in the mood for deep talk Ihave already signed a dozen documents so I have done my duty. They all went out by a private door and found themselves in a smallerbut gorgous room. The Prince tapped on the table and instantly twomenials in red tunics appeared. [Pg 70] Bring three glasses of champaignecommanded the prince and some ices he added majestikally. The goodsappeared as if by majic and the prince drew out a cigar case andpassed it round. One grows weary of Court Life he remarked. Ah yes agreed the earl. It upsets me said the prince lapping up his strawberry ice all I wantis peace and quiut and a little fun and here I am tied down to thislife he said taking off his crown being royal has many painfulldrawbacks. True mused the Earl. Silence fell and the strains of the band could be heard from the nextroom. Suddenly the prince gazed at Mr Salteena. Who did you say youwere he asked in a puzzled tone. Lord Hyssops responded our hero growing purple at the lie. Well you are not a bit like the Lord [Pg 71] Hyssops I know replied thePrince could you explain matters. Mr Salteena gazed helplessly at the earl who had grown very pale andseemed lost for the moment. However he quickly recovered. He is quite alright really Prince he said His mother was called MissHyssops of the Glen. Indeed said his royal Highness that sounds correct but who was yourfather eh. Then Mr Salteena thourght he would not tell a lie so in trembly toneshe muttered My poor father was but a butcher your Highness a veryhonest one I may add and passing rich he was called Domonic Salteenaand my name is Alfred Salteena. The Prince stroked his yellow beard and rarther admired Mr Salteenafor his truthful utterance--Oh I see he said well why did you palm offon my menials as Lord Hyssops eh Mr Salteena wiped his swetting brow but [Pg 72] the earl came to therescue nobly. My fault entirely Prince he chimed in, as I was bringinghim to this very supearier levie I thought it would be better to say hewas of noble birth have I offended your Royal dignity. Not much said the prince it was a laudible notion and perhaps I willask Mr Salteena to one of my big balls some day. Oh your Highness gasped our hero falling on one knee that would indeedbe a treat. I suppose Prince you have not got a job going at this palace for myfriend asked the earl you see I am rubbing him up in socierty ways andhe fancies court life as a professhon. Oh dose he said the prince blinking his eyes well I might see. I suggested if there was a vacency going he might try cantering afterthe royal barouche said the earl. So he might said the prince I will speak [Pg 73] to the prime Ministerabout it and let you know. Ten thousand thanks cried Mr Salteena bowing low. Well now I must get along back to the levie announced the princeputting on his crown I have booked a valse with the Arch duchess ofGreenwich and this is her favorite tune. So saying they issued back tothe big room where the nobility were whirling gaily roand the moresearious peaple such as the prime minister and the admirals etc wereeating ices and talking passionately about the laws in a lowundertone. The earl was soon mingling gaily in a set of lancers but Mr Salteenadare not because of his trousers. However he sat on a velvit chair andquite enjoyed over hearing the intelligent conversation of the primeminister. And now we will leave our hero enjoying his glimpse of highlife and return to Ethel Monticue. [Pg 74]CHAPTER 7 BERNARDS IDEAR After Mr Salteena had departed Bernard Clark thourght he would showEthel over his house so they spent a merry morning so doing. Ethelpassed bright remarks on all the rooms and Bernard thourght she wasmost pretty and Ethel began to be a bit excited. After a lovly lunchthey sat in the gloomy hall and Ethel began to feel very glad MrSalteena was not there. Suddenly Bernard lit his pipe I was thinkinghe said passionately what about going up to London for a weeksGaierty. Who inquired Ethel in a low tone. You and me said Bernard I know of several splendid hotels and we couldgo to theaters and parties and enjoy ourselves to the full. [Pg 75]So we could what an idear cried Ethel. So the merry plan was all arranged and they spent the afternoon inpacking there trunks. Next day they were all ready in the hall whenthe handsome viacle once more clattered up. Ethel had on her bluevelvit get up and a sweet new hat and plenty of ruge on her face andlooked quite a seemly counterpart for Bernard who was arrayed in awhite and shiny mackintosh top boots and a well brushed top hat tiedon to him with a bit of black elastick. Well goodbye Minnit he cried to the somber butler take care of yourgout and the silver and I will pay your wages when I come back. Thankyou kindly sir murmured Minnit when may I expect your return. Oh well I will wire he said and dashed doun the steps. Ethel followed with small lady like steps having bowed perlitely toMinnit who closed his eyes in acknowlegment of her kindness. [Pg 76]The sun was shining and Ethel had the feeling of going to a very jollyparty and felt so sorry for all the passers by who were not going toLondon with Bernard. Arrived in the gay city Bernard hailed a eab to the manner born andgot in followed by Ethel. Kindly drive us to the Gaierty Hotel hecried in a firm tone. The cabman waved his whip and off they dashed. We shall be highly comfortable and select at the Gaierty said Bernardand he thourght to himself how lovly it would be if he was married toEthel. He blushed a deep shade at his own thourghts and gave a sidelong glance at Ethel who was gazing out of the window. Well one neverknows he murmerd to himself and as one of the poets says great eventsfrom trivil causes springs. Just then they stopped at the gay hotel and Ethel was spellbound atthe size of the big hall--Bernard poked his head into the window ofthe pay desk. Have you a coupple [Pg 77] of bedrooms for self and younglady he enquired in a lordly way. A very handsome lady with golden hair and a lace apron glanced at abook and hastilly replied Oh yes sir two beauties on the 1st floornumber 9 and 10. Thankyou said Bernard we will go up if you have no objection. None whatever sir said the genial lady the beds are well aired and theview is quite pleasant. Come along Ethel cried Bernard this sounds alright eh. Oh quite said Ethel with a beaming smile. They went upstairs and entered number 9 a very fine compartment with alarge douny bed and white doors with glass handles leading into number10 an equally dainty room but a trifle smaller. Which will you have Ethel asked Bernard. Oh well I would rarther you settled it [Pg 78] said Ethel. I am willingto abide by your choice. The best shall be yours then said Bernard bowing gallantly andpointing to the biggest room. Ethel blushed at his speaking look. I shall be quite lost in that hugebed she added to hide her embarassment. Yes I expect you will said Bernard and now what about a little tabled'ote followed by a theater. Oh yes cried Ethel and downstairs they went. [Pg 79]CHAPTER 8 A GAY CALL I tell you what Ethel said Bernard Clark about a week later we mightgo and pay a call on my pal the Earl of Clincham. Oh do lets cried Ethel who was game for any new adventure I woulddearly love to meet his lordship. Bernard gave a frown of jellousy at her rarther mere words. Well dress in your best he muttered. Ethel skipped into her bedroom and arrayd herself in a grass greenmuslin of decent cut a lace scarf long faun colored kid gloves and amuslin hat to correspond. She carried a parasole in one hand also agreen silk bag containing a few stray hair pins a clean handkerchieffive shillings and a pot of ruge in case. She looked a dainty vishen[Pg 80] with her fair hair waving in the breeze and Bernard bit his lipsrarther hard for he could hardly contain himself and felt he mustmarry Ethel soon. He looked a handsome sight himself in some exquisitewhite trousers with a silk shirt and a pale blue blazer belt and cap. He wore this in honour of the earl who had been to Cambridge in hisyouth and so had Bernard Clark. At last they found themselves in the entrance hall of the Crystalepalace and speedily made their way to the privite compartments. EdwardProcurio was walking up and down the passage looking dark andmystearious as usual. Is His Lordship at home cried Bernard Clark cheerily. Which one asked Procurio many lords live here he said scornfully. Well I mean the Earl of Clincham said Bernard. Oh yes he is in responded Procurio and to the best of my belief givinga party. [Pg 81]Indeed ejaculated Bernard we have come in the nick of time Ethel headded. Yes said Ethel in an excited tone. Then they pealed on the bell and the door flew open. Sounds oflaughter and comic songs issued from the abode and in a second theywere in the crowded drawing room. It was packed with all the Elite anda stout duchess with a good natured face was singing a lively song andcausing much merriment. The earl strode forward at sight of two newcomers. Hullo Bernard old boy he cried this is a pleasure and who haveyou got with you he added glancing at Ethel. Oh this is Miss Monticue said Bernard shall I introduce you---- If you will be so good said the Earl in an affable tone and Bernardhastily performed the right. Ethel began a bright conversatiun whileBernard stroled off to see if he could find any friends amid thethrong. [Pg 82]What pleasant compartments you have cried Ethel in rarther a sociertytone. Fairly so so responded the Earl do you lire in London he added in aloud tone as someone was playing a very difficult peice on the piano. Well no I dont said Ethel my home is really in Northumberland but I amat present stopping with Mr Clark at the Gaierty Hotel she continud ina somewhat showing off tone. Oh I see said the earl well shall I introduce you to a few of myfriends. Of please do said Ethel with a dainty blow at her nose. The earl disserppeard into the madding crowd and presently came backwith a middle aged gentleman. This is Lord Hyssops he said my friendMiss Monticue he added genially. Ethel turned a dull yellaw. Lord Hyssops she said in a faint voice whyit is Mr Salteena I know him well. [Pg 83]Hush cried the Earl it is a title bestowd recently by my friend thePrince of Wales. Yes indeed murmered Mr Salteena deeply flabbergasted by the ready witof the earl. Oh indeed said Ethel in a peevish tone well how do you come to behere. I am stopping with his Lordship said Mr Salteena and have a set ofcompartments in the basement so there. I dont care said huffy Ethel I am in handsome rooms at the Gaierty. Nothing could be nicer I am sure struck in the earl what do you sayHyssops eh. Doubtless it is charming said Mr Salteena who was wanting peace tellme Ethel how did you leave Bernard. I have not left him said Ethel in an annoying voice I am stopping withhim at the gaierty and we have been to lots of theaters and dances. Well I am glad you are enjoying yourself said Mr Salteena kindly youhad been looking pale of late. [Pg 84]No wonder in your stuffy domain cried Ethel well have you got any morefriends she added turning to the earl. Well I will see said the obliging earl and he once more disapeared. I dont know why you should turn against me Ethel said Mr Salteena in alow tone. Ethel patted her hair and looked very sneery. Well I call it verymystearious you going off and getting a title said Ethel and I thinkour friendship had better stop as no doubt you will soon be marrying aduchess or something. Not at all said Mr Salteena you must know Ethel he said blushing adeep red I always wished to marry you some fine day. This is news to me cried Ethel still peevish. But not to me murmered Mr Salteena and his voice trembled in hischest. I may add that I have always loved you and now I seem to do somadly he added passionately. [Pg 85]But I dont love you responded Ethel. But if you married me you might get to said Mr Salteena. I think not replied Ethel and all the same it is very kind of you toask me and she smiled more nicely at him. This is agony cried Mr Salteena clutching hold of a table my life willbe sour grapes and ashes without you. Be a man said Ethel in a gentle whisper and I shall always think ofyou in a warm manner. Well half a loaf is better than no bread responded Mr Salteena in agloomy voice and just then the earl reappeard with a very brisk ladyin a tight silk dress whose name was called Lady Gay Finchling and herhusband was a General but had been dead a few years. So this is MissMonticue she began in a rarther high voice. Oh yes said Ethel and MrSalteena wiped the foaming dew from his forehead. Little did Lady [Pg 86]Gay Finchling guess she had just disturbed a proposal of marrage. The Earl chimed into the conversation now and again and Lady GayFinchling told several rarther witty stories to enliven the party. Then Bernard Clark came up and said they had better be going. Well goodbye Clincham he said I must say I have enjoyed this partymost rechauffie I call it dont you Ethel. Most cried Ethel I suppose you often come she added in a tone of envyto Lady Gay Finchling. Pretty often said Lady G. F. Well goodbye as I see you are in a hurryto be off and she dashed off towards the refreshment place. Goodbye Ethel said poor Mr Salteena in a spasam and he seized hold ofher hand you will one day rue your wicked words farewell he repeatedemphatically. Oh well goodbye said Ethel in a vage tone and then turning to the earlshe said [Pg 87] I have enjoyed myself very much thankyou. Please dont mention it cried the earl well goodbye Bernard he added Ishall look you up some day at your hotel. Yes do muttered Bernard always welcome Clincham old boy he addedplacing his blue crickit cap on his head and so saying he and Ethelleft the gay scene and once more oozed fourth into the streets ofLondon. [Pg 88]CHAPTER 9 A PROPOSALE Next morning while imbibing his morning tea beneath his pink silkenquilt Bernard decided he must marry Ethel with no more delay. I lovethe girl he said to himself and she must be mine but I somehow feel Ican not propose in London it would not be seemly in the city ofLondon. We must go for a day in the country and when surrounded by thegay twittering of the birds and the smell of the cows I will lay mysuit at her feet and he waved his arm wildly at the gay thought. Thenhe sprang from bed and gave a rat tat at Ethels door. Are you up my dear he called. Well not quite said Ethel hastilly jumping from her downy nest. Be quick cried Bernard I have a plan to [Pg 89] spend a day near WindsorCastle and we will take our lunch and spend a happy day. Oh Hurrah shouted Ethel I shall soon be ready as I had my bath lastnight so wont wash very much now. No dont said Bernard and added in a rarther fervent tone through thechink of the door you are fresher than the rose my dear no soap couldmake you fairer. Then he dashed off very embarrased to dress. Ethel blushed and felt abit excited as she heard the words and she put on a new white muslindress in a fit of high spirits. She looked very beautifull with somered roses in her hat and the dainty red ruge in her cheeks lookedquite the thing. Bernard heaved a sigh and his eyes flashed as hebeheld her and Ethel thorght to herself what a fine type of manhood hereprisented with his nice thin legs in pale broun trousers and wellfitting spats and a red rose in his button hole and rarther a sportingcap which gave him a great air [Pg 90] with its quaint check and littleflaps to pull down if necesarry. Off they started the envy of all thewaiters. They arrived at Windsor very hot from the jorney and Bernard at oncehired a boat to row his beloved up the river. Ethel could not row butshe much enjoyed seeing the tough sunburnt arms of Bernard tugging atthe oars as she lay among the rich cushons of the dainty boat. She hada rarther lazy nature but Bernard did not know of this. However hesoon got dog tired and sugested lunch by the mossy bank. Oh yes said Ethel quickly opening the sparkling champaigne. Dont spill any cried Bernard as he carved some chicken. They eat and drank deeply of the charming viands ending up withmerangs and choclates. Let us now bask under the spreading trees said Bernard in a passiunatetone. Oh yes lets said Ethel and she opened her [Pg 91] dainty parasole andsank down upon the long green grass. She closed her eyes but she was farfrom asleep. Bernard sat beside her in profound silence gazing at herpink face and long wavy eye lashes. He puffed at his pipe for somemoments while the larks gaily caroled in the blue sky. Then he edged atrifle closer to Ethels form. Ethel he murmured in a trembly voice. Oh what is it said Ethel hastily sitting up. Words fail me ejaculated Bernard horsly my passion for you is intensehe added fervently. It has grown day and night since I first beheldyou. Oh said Ethel in supprise I am not prepared for this and she lent backagainst the trunk of the tree. Bernard placed one arm tightly round her. When will you marry me Ethelhe uttered you must be my wife it has come to that I love you sointensly that if you say no I shall perforce dash my body to the[Pg 92] brink of yon muddy river he panted wildly. Oh dont do that implored Ethel breathing rarther hard. Then say you love me he cried. Oh Bernard she sighed fervently I certinly love you madly you are tome like a Heathen god she cried looking at his manly form and handsomeflashing face I will indeed marry you. How soon gasped Bernard gazing at her intensly. As soon as possible said Ethel gently closing her eyes. My Darling whispered Bernard and he seiezed her in his arms we will bemarrid next week. Oh Bernard muttered Ethel this is so sudden. No no cried Bernard and taking the bull by both horns he kissed herviolently on her dainty face. My bride to be he murmered severaltimes. [Pg 93]Ethel trembled with joy as she heard the mistick words. Oh Bernard she said little did I ever dream of such as this and shesuddenly fainted into his out stretched arms. Oh I say gasped Bernard and laying the dainty burden on the grass hedashed to the waters edge and got a cup full of the fragrant river topour on his true loves pallid brow. She soon came to and looked up with a sickly smile Take me back to theGaierty hotel she whispered faintly. With plesure my darling said Bernard I will just pack up our viandsere I unloose the boat. Ethel felt better after a few drops of champagne and began to tidy herhair while Bernard packed the remains of the food. Then arm in armthey tottered to the boat. I trust you have not got an illness my darling murmured Bernard as hehelped her in. [Pg 94]Oh no I am very strong said Ethel I fainted from joy she added toexplain matters. Oh I see said Bernard handing her a cushon well some people do headded kindly and so saying they rowed down the dark stream now flowingsilently beneath a golden moon. All was silent as the lovers glidedhome with joy in their hearts and radiunce on their faces only thesound of the mystearious water lapping against the frail vessel brokethe monotony of the night. So I will end my chapter. [Pg 95]CHAPTER 10 PREPARING FOR THE FRAY The next few days were indeed bussy for Ethel and Bernard. First ofall Ethel got some dainty pink note paper with silver crest on it andsent out invitations in the following terms to all their frends. Miss Ethel Monticue will be married to Mr Bernard Clark at Westminster Abbey on June 10th. Your company is requested there at 2-30 sharp and afterwards for refreshment at the Gaierty Hotel. R. S. V. P. Having posted heaps of these and got several replies Ethel began toorder her wedding dress which cost a good bit. She chose a rich satinwith a humped pattern of gold on the pure white and it had a longtrain [Pg 96] edged with Airum lilies. Her veil was of pure lace with acrown of orange blossum. Her bouquett she ordered to be of white dogdaisies St. Joseph lilies and orange blossums tied up with pale bluesatin ribbon. You will indeed be a charming spectacle my darling gasped Bernard asthey left the shop. Then they drove to the tailor where Bernardordered an elligant black suit with coat tails lined with crimsonsatin and a pale lavender tie and an opera hat of the same hue and heintended to wear violets in his buttonholes also his best white spatsdiamond studs and a few extras of costly air. They both ordered a lotof new clothes besides and Bernard gave Ethel a very huge tara made ofrubies and diamonds also two rich bracelets and Ethel gave him a brannew trunk of shiny green leather. The earl of Clincham sent a charminggift of some hem stitched sheets edged with real lace and a photo ofhimself in a striking attitude. [Pg 97] Mr Salteena sent Ethel a biblewith a few pious words of advice and regret and he sent Bernard a veryhandy little camp stool. Ethels parents were too poor to come so far buther Mother sent her a gold watch which did not go but had been some yearsin the family and her father provided a cheque for £2 and promised tosend her a darling little baby calf when ready. Then they ordered themost splendid refreshments they had tea and coffie and sparkling winesto drink also a lovly wedding cake of great height with a sugar angelat the top holding a sword made of almond paste. They had countlesscakes besides also ices jelly merangs jam tarts with plenty of jam oneach some cold tongue some ham with salid and a pig's head done up ina wondrous manner. Ethel could hardly contain herself as she gazed atthe sumpshious repast and Bernard gave her a glass of rich wine whilehe imbibed some whiskey before going to bed. Ethel got speedilly intoher [Pg 98] bed for the last time at the dear old Gaierty and shed a fewsalt tears thinking of her past life but she quickly cheerd up and beganto plan about how many children she would have. I hope I shall have agood lot she thourght to herself and so saying fell into repose. [Pg 99]CHAPTER 11 THE WEDDING The Abbey was indeed thronged next day when Ethel and Bernard canteredup in a very fine carrage drawn by two prancing steeds who foamed agood deal. In the porch stood several clean altar boys who conductedthe lucky pair up the aile while the organ pealed a merry blast Themighty edifice was packed and seated in the front row was the Earl ofClincham looking very brisk as he was going to give Ethel away at thecorrect moment. Beside him sat Mr Salteena all in black and lookingbitterly sad and he ground his teeth as Ethel came marching up. Therewere some merry hymns and as soon as Ethel and Bernard were one theclergyman began a sermon about Adam and Eve and the serpent and [Pg 100]Mr Salteena cried into his large handkerchief and the earl kept onnudging him as his sniffs were rarther loud. Then the wedding marchpealed fourth and doun the church stepped Ethel and Bernard as husbandand wife. Into the cab they got and speedelly dashed off to theGaierty. The wedding refreshments were indeed a treat to all and evenMr Salteena cheered up when he beheld the wedding cake and sparklingwines. Then the earl got up and made a very fine speech about marragevows and bliss and he quoted several good bits from the bible whichgot a lot of applause. Bernard replied in good round terms. I thankyour lordship for those kind remarks he said in clear tones I expectwe shall be as happy as a lark and I hope you will all be ditto someday. Here Here muttered a stray lady in the crowd and down sat Bernardwhile Ethel went up to change her wedding garment for a choice pinkvelvit dress with a golden gurdle and a very chick tocque. Bernard[Pg 101] also put on a new suit of blue stripe and some silk socks andclean under clothing. Hurah hurah shouted the guests as the pairreappeard in the aforesaid get ups. Then everybody got a bag of rice andsprinkled on the pair and Mr Salteena sadly threw a white tennis shoeat them wiping his eyes the while. Off drove the happy pair and theguests finished up the food. The happy pair went to Egypt for thereHonymoon as they thought it would be a nice warm spot and they hadnever seen the wondrous land. Ethel was a bit sick on the boat butBernard braved the storm in manly style. However Ethel had recoveredby the time they got to Egypt and here we will leave them for a merrysix weeks of bliss while we return to England. [Pg 102]CHAPTER 12 HOW IT ENDED Mr Salteena by the aid of the earl and the kindness of the Prince ofWales managed to get the job his soul craved and any day might be seenin Hyde park or Pickadilly galloping madly after the Royal Carrage ina smart suit of green velvit with knickerbockers compleat. At first hewas rarther terrified as he was not used to riding and he found hishorse bumped him a good deal and he had to cling on desperatly to itsflowing main. At other times the horse would stop dead and Mr Salteenawould use his spurs and bad languige with no avail. But he soon gotmore used to his fresh and sultry steed and His Royal Highness seemedsatisfide. The Earl continued his merry life at the [Pg 103] Compartments tillfinally he fell in love with one of the noble ladies who haunted them. She was not so pretty as Ethel as she had rarther a bulgy figure andbrown eyes but she had lovely raven tresses a pointed nose and a roselike complexion of a dainty hue. She had very nice feet and plenty ofmoney. Her name was called Lady Helena Herring and her age was 25 andshe mated well with the earl. Mr Salteena grew very lonely after the earl was marrid and he couldnot bear a single life any more so failing Ethel he marrid one of themaids in waiting at Buckingham palace by name Bessie Topp a plesantgirl of 18 with a round red face and rarther stary eyes. So now that all our friends are marrid I will add a few words abouttheir familys. Ethel and Bernard returned from their Honymoon with ason and hair a nice fat baby called Ignatius Bernard. They soon [Pg 104]had six more children four boys and three girls and some of them weretwins which was very exciting. The Earl only got two rarther sickly girls called Helen and Mariebecause the last one looked slightly french. Mr Salteena had a large family of 10 five of each but he grew verymorose as the years rolled by and his little cottage was very noisyand his wife was a bit annoying at times especially when he took todreaming of Ethel and wishing he could have marrid her. Still he was apius man in his way and found relief in prayer. Bernard Clark was the happiest of our friends as he loved Ethel to thebitter end and so did she him and they had a nice house too. The Earl soon got tired of his sickly daughters and his wife had asavage temper so he thourght he would divorce her and try again but hegave up the idear after [Pg 105] several attempts and decided to offerit up as a Mortification. So now my readers we will say farewell to the characters in this book. The End by Daisy Ashford