THE VOYAGE OF CAPTAIN POPANILLA

By Benjamin Disraeli

This narrative of an imaginary voyage was first published in 1827. 

CHAPTER 1

There is an island in the Indian Ocean, so unfortunate as not yet tohave been visited either by Discovery Ships or Missionary Societies. Itis a place where all those things are constantly found which men mostdesire to see, and with the sight of which they are seldom favoured. Itabounds in flowers, and fruit, and sunshine. Lofty mountains, coveredwith green and mighty forests, except where the red rocks catch thefierce beams of the blazing sun, bowery valleys, broad lakes, gigantictrees, and gushing rivers bursting from rocky gorges, are crowned witha purple and ever cloudless sky. Summer, in its most unctuous state andmost mellow majesty, is here perpetual. So intense and overpowering, inthe daytime, is the rich union of heat and perfume, that living animalor creature is never visible; and were you and I to pluck, beforesunset, the huge fruit from yonder teeming tree, we might fancyourselves for the moment the future sinners of another Eden. Yet asolitude it is not. 

The island is surrounded by a calm and blue lagoon, formed by a ridge ofcoral rocks, which break the swell of the ocean, and prevent the noxiousspray from banishing the rich shrubs which grow even to the water'sedge. It is a few minutes before sunset, that the first intimation ofanimal existence in this seeming solitude is given, by the appearance ofmermaids; who, floating on the rosy sea, congregate about these rocks. They sound a loud but melodious chorus from their sea-shells, and afaint and distant chorus soon answers from the island. The mermaidensimmediately repeat their salutations, and are greeted with a nearerand a louder answer. As the red and rayless sun drops into the glowingwaters, the choruses simultaneously join; and rushing from the woods, and down the mountain steeps to the nearest shore, crowds of humanbeings, at the same moment, appear and collect. 

The inhabitants of this island, in form and face, do not misbecome theclime and the country. With the vivacity of a Faun, the men combine thestrength of a Hercules and the beauty of an Adonis; and, as their moreinteresting companions flash upon his presence, the least classical ofpoets might be excused for imagining that, like their blessed Goddess, the women had magically sprung from the brilliant foam of that oceanwhich is gradually subsiding before them. 

But sunset in this land is not the signal merely for the evidence ofhuman existence. At the moment that the Islanders, crowned with flowers, and waving goblets and garlands, burst from their retreats, upon eachmountain peak a lion starts forward, stretches his proud tail, and, bellowing to the sun, scours back exulting to his forest; immensebodies, which before would have been mistaken for the trunks of trees, now move into life, and serpents, untwining their green and glitteringfolds, and slowly bending their crested heads around, seem proudlyconscious of a voluptuous existence; troops of monkeys leap from treeto tree; panthers start forward, and alarmed, not alarming, instantlyvanish; a herd of milk-white elephants tramples over the back-ground ofthe scene; and instead of gloomy owls and noxious beetles, to hail thelong-enduring twilight, from the bell of every opening flower beautifulbirds, radiant with every rainbow tint, rush with a long and livingmelody into the cool air. 

The twilight in this island is not that transient moment of unearthlybliss, which, in our less favoured regions, always leaves us sothoughtful and so sad; on the contrary, it lasts many hours, andconsequently the Islanders are neither moody nor sorrowful. As theysleep during the day, four or five hours of 'tipsy dance and revelry'are exercise and not fatigue. At length, even in this delightful region, the rosy tint fades into purple, and the purple into blue; the whitemoon gleams, and at length glitters; and the invisible stars first creepinto light, and then blaze into radiancy. But no hateful dews discolourtheir loveliness! and so clear is the air, that instead of the falseappearance of a studded vault, the celestial bodies may be seen floatingin aether, at various distances and of various tints. Ere the showeryfire-flies have ceased to shine, and the blue lights to play about thetremulous horizon, amid the voices of a thousand birds, the dancerssolace themselves with the rarest fruits, the most delicate fish, andthe most delicious wines; but flesh they love not. They are an innocentand a happy, though a voluptuous and ignorant race. They have nomanufactures, no commerce, no agriculture, and no printing-presses; butfor their slight clothing they wear the bright skins of serpents; forcorn, Nature gives them the bread-fruit; and for intellectual amusement, they have a pregnant fancy and a ready wit; tell inexhaustible stories, and always laugh at each other's jokes. A natural instinct gave them theart of making wine; and it was the same benevolent Nature that blessedthem also with the knowledge of the art of making love. But time flieseven here. The lovely companions have danced, and sung, and banqueted, and laughed; what further bliss remains for man? They rise, and in pairswander about the island, and then to their bowers; their life ends withthe Night they love so well; and ere Day, the everlasting conqueror, wave his flaming standard in the luminous East, solitude and silencewill again reign in the ISLE OF FANTAISIE. 

CHAPTER 2

The last and loudest chorus had died away, and the Islanders werepouring forth their libation to their great enemy the Sun, when suddenlya vast obscurity spread over the glowing West. They looked at eachother, and turned pale, and the wine from their trembling goblets felluseless on the shore. The women were too frightened to scream, and, forthe first time in the Isle of Fantaisie, silence existed after sunset. They were encouraged when they observed that the darkness ceased at thatpoint in the heavens which overlooked their coral rocks; and perceivingthat their hitherto unsullied sky was pure, even at this moment ofotherwise universal gloom, the men regained their colour, touched thegoblets with their lips, further to reanimate themselves, and the women, now less discomposed, uttered loud shrieks. 

Suddenly the wind roared with unaccustomed rage, the sea rose into largebillows, and a ship was seen tossing in the offing. The Islanders, whoseexperience of navigation extended only to a slight paddling in theirlagoon, in the half of a hollow trunk of a tree, for the purpose offishing, mistook the tight little frigate for a great fish; and beingnow aware of the cause of this disturbance, and at the same time feelingconfident that the monster could never make way through the shallowwaters to the island, they recovered their courage, and gazed upon thelabouring leviathan with the same interested nonchalance with whichstudents at a modern lecture observe an expounding philosopher. 

'What a shadow he casts over the sky!' said the King, a young man, whose divine right was never questioned by his female subjects. 'What acommotion in the waters, and what a wind he snorts forth! It certainlymust be the largest fish that exists. I remember my father telling methat a monstrous fish once got entangled among our rocks, and this partof the island really smelt for a month; I cannot help fancying thatthere is a rather odd smell now; pah!'

A favourite Queen flew to the suffering monarch, and pressing heraromatic lips upon his offended nostrils, his Majesty recovered. 

The unhappy crew of the frigate, who, with the aid of their telescopes, had detected the crowds upon the shore, now fired their signal guns ofdistress, which came sullenly booming through the wind. 

'Oh! the great fish is speaking!' was the universal exclamation. 

'I begin to get frightened, ' said the favourite Queen. 'I am sure themonster is coming here!' So saying, her Majesty grasped up a handful ofpearls from the shore, to defend herself. 

As screaming was now the fashion, all the women of course screamed; andanimated by the example of their sovereign, and armed with the marinegems, the Amazons assumed an imposing attitude. 

Just at the moment that they had worked up their enthusiasm to thehighest pitch, and were actually desirous of dying for their country, the ship sunk. 

CHAPTER 3

It is the flush of noon; and, strange to say, a human figure is seenwandering on the shore of the Isle of Fantaisie. 

'One of the crew of the wrecked frigate, of course? What an escape!Fortunate creature! interesting man! Probably the indefatigable CaptainParry; possibly the undaunted Captain Franklin; perhaps the adventurousCaptain Lyon!'

No! sweet blue-eyed girl! my plots are not of that extremely guessablenature so admired by your adorable sex. Indeed, this book is soconstructed that if you were even, according to custom, to commenceits perusal by reading the last page, you would not gain the slightestassistance in finding out 'how the story ends. '

The wanderer belongs to no frigate-building nation. He is a trueFantaisian; who having, in his fright, during yesterday's storm, lostthe lock of hair which, in a moment of glorious favour, he had ravishedfrom his fair mistress's brow, is now, after a sleepless night, tracingevery remembered haunt of yesterday, with the fond hope of regaininghis most precious treasure. Ye Gentlemen of England, who live at home atease, know full well the anxiety and exertion, the days of management, and the nights of meditation which the rape of a lock requires, and youcan consequently sympathize with the agitated feelings of the handsomeand the hapless Popanilla. 

The favourite of all the women, the envy of all the men, Popanillapassed a pleasant life. No one was a better judge of wine, no one had abetter taste for fruit, no one danced with more elegant vivacity, and noone whispered compliments in a more meaning tone. His stories ever hada point, his repartees were never ill-natured. What a pity that such anamiable fellow should have got into such a scrape!

In spite of his grief, however, Popanilla soon found that the ardency ofhis passion evaporated under a smoking sun; and, exhausted, he wasabout to return home from his fruitless search, when his attentionwas attracted by a singular appearance. He observed before him, onthe shore, a square and hitherto unseen form. He watched it for someminutes, but it was motionless. He drew nearer, and observed it withintense attention; but, if it were a being, it certainly was fastasleep. He approached close to its side, but it neither moved norbreathed. He applied his nose to the mysterious body, and the elegantFantaisian drew back immediately from a most villanous smell of pitch. Not to excite too much, in this calm age, the reader's curiosity, lethim know at once that this strange substance was a sea-chest. Upon itwas marked, in large black letters, S. D. K. No. 1. 

For the first time in his life Popanilla experienced a feeling ofoverwhelming curiosity. His fatigue, his loss, the scorching hour, andthe possible danger were all forgotten in an indefinite feeling that thebody possessed contents more interesting than its unpromising exterior, and in a resolute determination that the development of the mysteryshould be reserved only for himself. 

Although he felt assured that he must be unseen, he could not refrainfrom throwing a rapid glance of anxiety around him. It was a moment ofperfect stillness: the island slept in sunshine, and even the waves hadceased to break over the opposing rocks. A thousand strange and singularthoughts rushed into his mind, but his first purpose was ever uppermost;and at length, unfolding his girdle of skin, he tied the tough cinctureround the chest, and, exerting all his powers, dragged his mysteriouswaif into the nearest wood. 

But during this operation the top fell off, and revealed the neatestcollection of little packages that ever pleased the eye of the admirerof spruce arrangement. Popanilla took up packets upon all possiblesubjects; smelt them, but they were not savory; he was sorely puzzled. At last, he lighted on a slender volume bound in brown calf, which, with the confined but sensual notions of a savage, he mistook forgingerbread, at least. It was 'The Universal Linguist, by Mr. Hamilton;or, the Art of Dreaming in Languages. '

No sooner had Popanilla passed that well-formed nose, which had been sooften admired by the lady whose lock of hair he had unfortunately lost, a few times over a few pages of the Hamiltonian System than he sankupon his bed of flowers, and, in spite of his curiosity, was instantlyovercome by a profound slumber. But his slumber, though deep, was notpeaceful, and he was the actor in an agitating drama. 

He found himself alone in a gay and glorious garden. In the centre of itgrew a pomegranate tree of prodigious size; its top was lost in the sky, and its innumerable branches sprang out in all directions, covered withlarge fruit of a rich golden hue. Beautiful birds were perched upon allparts of the tree, and chanted with perpetual melody the beauties oftheir bower. Tempted by the delicious sight, Popanilla stretched forwardhis ready hand to pluck; but no sooner had he grasped the fruit than themusic immediately ceased, the birds rushed away, the sky darkened, the tree fell under the wind, the garden vanished, and Popanilla foundhimself in the midst of a raging sea, buffeting the waves. 

He would certainly have been drowned had he not been immediatelyswallowed up by the huge monster which had not only been the occasionof the storm of yesterday, but, ah! most unhappy business! been theoccasion also of his losing that lock of hair. 

Ere he could congratulate himself on his escape he found fresh cause foranxiety, for he perceived that he was no longer alone. No friends werenear him; but, on, the contrary, he was surrounded by strangers of a fardifferent aspect. They were men certainly; that is to say, they had legsand arms, and heads, and bodies as himself; but instead of that bloomof youth, that regularity of feature, that amiable joyousness ofcountenance, which he had ever been accustomed to meet and to lovein his former companions, he recoiled in horror from the swarthycomplexions, the sad visages, and the haggard features of his presentones. They spoke to him in a harsh and guttural accent. He would havefled from their advances; but then he was in the belly of a whale! Whenhe had become a little used to their tones he was gratified by findingthat their attentions were far from hostile; and, after having receivedfrom them a few compliments, he began to think that they were not quiteso ugly. He discovered that the object of their inquires was the fatalpomegranate which still remained in his hand. They admired its beauty, and told him that they greatly esteemed an individual who possessedsuch a mass of precious ore. Popanilla begged to undeceive them, andcourteously presented the fruit. No sooner, however, had he parted withthis apple of discord, than the countenances of his companions changed. Immediately discovering its real nature, they loudly accused Popanillaof having deceived them; he remonstrated, and they recriminated; and thegreat fish, irritated by their clamour, lashed its huge tail, and withone efficacious vomit spouted the innocent Popanilla high in the air. Hefell with such a dash into the waves that he was awakened by the soundof his own fall. 

The dreamer awoke amidst real chattering, and scuffling, and clamour. Atroop of green monkeys had been aroused by his unusual occupation, andhad taken the opportunity of his slumber to become acquainted with someof the first principles of science. What progress they had made itis difficult to ascertain; because, each one throwing a tract atPopanilla's head, they immediately disappeared. It is said, however, that some monkeys have been since seen skipping about the island, with their tails cut off; and that they have even succeeded in passingthemselves off for human beings among those people who do not readnovels, and are consequently unacquainted with mankind. 

The morning's adventure immediately rushed into Popanilla's mind, andhe proceeded forthwith to examine the contents of his chest; but withadvantages which had not been yet enjoyed by those who had previouslypeeped into it. The monkeys had not been composed to sleep by the'Universal Linguist' of Mr. Hamilton. As for Popanilla, he took up atreatise on hydrostatics, and read it straight through on the spot. Forthe rest of the day he was hydrostatically mad; nor could the commonestincident connected with the action or conveyance of water take placewithout his speculating on its cause and consequence. 

So enraptured was Popanilla with his new accomplishments andacquirements that by degrees he avoided attendance on the usual eveningassemblages, and devoted himself solely to the acquirement of usefulknowledge. After a short time his absence was remarked; but the greatestand the most gifted has only to leave his coterie, called the world, fora few days, to be fully convinced of what slight importance he reallyis. And so Popanilla, the delight of society and the especial favouriteof the women, was in a very short time not even inquired after. Atfirst, of course, they supposed that he was in love, or that he hada slight cold, or that he was writing his memoirs; and as thesesuppositions, in due course, take their place in the annals of societyas circumstantial histories, in about a week one knew the lady, anotherhad beard him sneeze, and a third had seen the manuscript. At the end ofanother week Popanilla was forgotten. 

CHAPTER 4

Six months had elapsed since the first chest of the cargo of UsefulKnowledge destined for the fortunate Maldives had been digested by therecluse Popanilla; for a recluse he had now become. Great students arerather dull companions. Our Fantaisian friend, during his first studies, was as moody, absent, and querulous as are most men of genius duringthat mystical period of life. He was consequently avoided by the men andquizzed by the women, and consoled himself for the neglect of the firstand the taunts of the second by the indefinite sensation that he should, some day or other, turn out that little being called a great man. As forhis mistress, she considered herself insulted by being addressed bya man who had lost her lock of hair. When the chest was exhaustedPopanilla was seized with a profound melancholy. Nothing depresses aman's spirits more completely than a self-conviction of self-conceit;and Popanilla, who had been accustomed to consider himself and hiscompanions as the most elegant portion of the visible creation, nowdiscovered, with dismay, that he and his fellow-islanders were nothingmore than a horde of useless savages. 

This mortification, however, was soon succeeded by a proud consciousnessthat he, at any rate, was now civilised; and that proud consciousness bya fond hope that in a short time he might become a civiliser. Like allprojectors, he was not of a sanguine temperament; but he did trust thatin the course of another season the Isle of Fantaisie might take itsstation among the nations. He was determined, however, not to be toorapid. It cannot be expected that ancient prejudices can in a momentbe eradicated, and new modes of conduct instantaneously substituted andestablished. Popanilla, like a wise man, determined to conciliate. Hisviews were to be as liberal, as his principles were enlightened. Men should be forced to do nothing. Bigotry, and intolerance, andpersecution were the objects of his decided disapprobation; resembling, in this particular, all the great and good men who have ever existed, who have invariably maintained this opinion so long as they have been inthe minority. 

Popanilla appeared once more in the world. 

'Dear me! is that you, Pop?' exclaimed the ladies. 'What have you beendoing with yourself all this time? Travelling, I suppose. Every onetravels now. Really you travelled men get quite bores. And where did youget that coat, if it be a coat?'

Such was the style in which the Fantaisian females saluted the longabsent Popanilla; and really, when a man shuts himself up from the worldfor a considerable time, and fancies that in condescending to re-enterit he has surely the right to expect the homage due to a superior being, these salutations are awkward. The ladies of England peculiarly excel inthis species of annihilation; and while they continue to drown puppies, as they daily do, in a sea of sarcasm, I think no true Englishman willhesitate one moment in giving them the preference for tact and mannerover all the vivacious French, all the self-possessing Italian, and allthe tolerant German women. This is a claptrap, and I have no doubt willsell the book. 

Popanilla, however, had not re-entered society with the intention ofsubsiding into a nonentity; and he therefore took the opportunity, afew minutes after sunset, just as his companions were falling into thedance, to beg the favour of being allowed to address his sovereign onlyfor one single moment. 

'Sire!' said he, in that mild tone of subdued superciliousness withwhich we should always address kings, and which, while it vindicates ourdignity, satisfactorily proves that we are above the vulgar passion ofenvy, 'Sire!' but let us not encourage that fatal faculty of oratory sodangerous to free states, and therefore let us give only the 'substanceof Popanilla's speech. ' * He commenced his address in a manner somewhatresembling the initial observations of those pleasing pamphlets whichare the fashion of the present hour; and which, being intended todiffuse information among those who have not enjoyed the opportunityand advantages of study, and are consequently of a gay and cheerfuldisposition, treat of light subjects in a light and polished style. Popanilla, therefore, spoke of man in a savage state, the origin ofsociety, and the elements of the social compact, in sentences whichwould not have disgraced the mellifluous pen of Bentham. From these henaturally digressed into an agreeable disquisition on the Anglo-Saxons;and, after a little badinage on the Bill of Rights, flew off to an airyaper u of the French Revolution. When he had arrived at the Isleof Fantaisie he begged to inform his Majesty that man was born forsomething else besides enjoying himself. It was, doubtless, extremelypleasant to dance and sing, to crown themselves with chaplets, and todrink wine; but he was 'free to confess' that he did not imagine thatthe most barefaced hireling of corruption could for a moment presumeto maintain that there was any utility in pleasure. If there were noutility in pleasure, it was quite clear that pleasure could profit noone. If, therefore, it were unprofitable, it was injurious; becausethat which does not produce a profit is equivalent to a loss; thereforepleasure is a losing business; consequently pleasure is not pleasant. 

 * Substance of a speech, in Parliamentary language, means a printed edition of an harangue which contains all that was uttered in the House, and about as much again. 

He also showed that man was not born for himself, but for society; thatthe interests of the body are alone to be considered, and not those ofthe individual; and that a nation might be extremely happy, extremelypowerful, and extremely rich, although every individual member ofit might at the same time be miserable, dependent, and in debt. Heregretted to observe that no one in the island seemed in the slightestdecree conscious of the object of his being. Man is created for apurpose; the object of his existence is to perfect himself. Man isimperfect by nature, because if nature had made him perfect he wouldhave had no wants; and it is only by supplying his wants that utilitycan be developed. The development of utility is therefore the objectof our being, and the attainment of this great end the cause of ourexistence. This principle clears all doubts, and rationally accounts fora state of existence which has puzzled many pseudo-philosophers. 

Popanilla then went on to show that the hitherto received definitionsof man were all erroneous; that man is neither a walking animal, nora talking animal, nor a cooking animal, nor a lounging animal, nor adebt-incurring, animal, nor a tax-paying animal, nor a printing animal, nor a puffing animal, but a developing animal. Development is thediscovery of utility. By developing the water we get fish; by developingthe earth we get corn, and cash, and cotton; by developing the air weget breath; by developing the fire we get heat. Thus, the use of theelements is demonstrated to the meanest capacity. But it was not merelya material development to which he alluded; a moral development wasequally indispensable. He showed that it was impossible for a nationeither to think too much or to do too much. The life of man wastherefore to be passed in a moral and material development until he hadconsummated his perfection. It was the opinion of Popanilla that thisgreat result was by no means so near at hand as some philosophersflattered themselves; and that it might possibly require anotherhalf-century before even the most civilised nation could be said to havecompleted the destiny of the human race. At the same time, he intimatedthat there were various extraordinary means by which this ratherdesirable result might be facilitated; and there was no saying what thebuilding of a new University might do, of which, when built, he had noobjection to be appointed Principal. 

In answer to those who affect to admire that deficient systemof existence which they style simplicity of manners, and who areperpetually committing the blunder of supposing that every advancetowards perfection only withdraws man further from his primitive andproper condition, Popanilla triumphantly demonstrated that no such orderas that which they associated with the phrase 'state of nature' everexisted. 'Man, ' said he, 'is called the masterpiece of nature; and manis also, as we all know, the most curious of machines; now, a machineis a work of art, consequently, the masterpiece of nature is themasterpiece of art. The object of all mechanism is the attainment ofutility; the object of man, who is the most perfect machine, is utilityin the highest degree. Can we believe, therefore, that this machinewas ever intended for a state which never could have called forth itspowers, a state in which no utility could ever have been attained, a state in which there are no wants; consequently, no demand;consequently, no supply; consequently, no competition; consequently, noinvention; consequently, no profits; only one great pernicious monopolyof comfort and ease? Society without wants is like a world withoutwinds. It is quite clear, therefore, that there is no such thing asNature; Nature is Art, or Art is Nature; that which is most usefulis most natural, because utility is the test of nature; therefore asteam-engine is in fact a much more natural production than a mountain. *

 * The age seems as anti-mountainous as it is anti-monarchical. A late writer insinuates that if the English had spent their millions in levelling the Andes, instead of excavating the table-lands, society might have been benefited. These monstrosities are decidedly useless, and therefore can neither be sublime nor beautiful, as has been unanswerably demonstrated by another recent writer on political aesthetics--See also a personal attack on Mont Blanc, in the second number of the Foreign Quarterly Review, 1828. 

'You are convinced, therefore, ' he continued, 'by these observations, that it is impossible for an individual or a nation to be too artificialin their manners, their ideas, their laws, or their general policy;because, in fact, the more artificial you become the nearer you approachthat state of nature of which you are so perpetually talking. ' Hereobserving that some of his audience appeared to be a little sceptical, perhaps only surprised, he told them that what he said must be true, because it entirely consisted of first principles. *

 * First principles are the ingredients of positive truth. They are immutable, as may be seen by comparing the first principles of the eighteenth century with the first principles of the nineteenth. 

After having thus preliminarily descanted for about two hours, Popanillainformed his Majesty that he was unused to public speaking, and thenproceeded to show that the grand characteristic of the social action* of the Isle of Fantaisie was a total want of development. This heobserved with equal sorrow and surprise; he respected the wisdom oftheir ancestors; at the same time, no one could deny that they were bothbarbarous and ignorant; he highly esteemed also the constitution, but regretted that it was not in the slightest degree adapted to theexisting want of society: he was not for destroying any establishments, but, on the contrary, was for courteously affording them the opportunityof self-dissolution. He finished by re-urging, in strong terms, theimmediate development of the island. In the first place, a greatmetropolis must be instantly built, because a great metropolis alwaysproduces a great demand; and, moreover, Popanilla had some legal doubtswhether a country without a capital could in fact be considered a State. Apologising for having so long trespassed upon the attention of theassembly, he begged distinctly to state ** that he had no wish to seehis Majesty and his fellow-subjects adopt these new principles withoutexamination and without experience. They might commence on a smallscale; let them cut down their forests, and by turning them into shipsand houses discover the utility of timber; let the whole island be dugup; let canals be cut, docks be built, and all the elephants bekilled directly, that their teeth might yield an immediate articlefor exportation. A short time would afford a sufficient trial. In themeanwhile, they would not be pledged to further measures, and thesemight be considered only as an experiment. *** Taking for granted thatthese principles would be acted on, and taking into consideration thesite of the island in the map of the world, the nature and extent of itsresources, its magnificent race of human beings, its varieties of theanimal creation, its wonderfully fine timber, its undeveloped mineraltreasures, the spaciousness of its harbours, and its various facilitiesfor extended international communication, Popanilla had no hesitation insaying that a short time could not elapse ere, instead of passing theirlives in a state of unprofitable ease and useless enjoyment, they mightreasonably expect to be the terror and astonishment of the universe, andto be able to annoy every nation of any consequence. 

 * This simple and definite phrase we derive from the nation to whom we were indebted during the last century for some other phrases about as definite, but rather more dangerous. 

 ** Another phrase of Parliament, which, I need not observe, is always made use of in oratory when the orator can see his meaning about as distinctly as Sancho perceived the charms of Dulcinea. 

 *** A very famous and convenient phrase this--but in politics experiments mean revolutions. 1828. 

Here, observing a smile upon his Majesty's countenance, Popanilla toldthe King that he was only a chief magistrate, and he had no more rightto laugh at him than a parish constable. He concluded by observing thatalthough what he at present urged might appear strange, nevertheless, if the listeners had been acquainted with the characters and casesof Galileo and Turgot, they would then have seen, as a necessaryconsequence, that his system was perfectly correct, and he himself a manof extraordinary merit. 

Here the chief magistrate, no longer daring to smile, burst into a fitof laughter; and turning to his courtiers said, 'I have not an idea whatthis man is talking about, but I know that he makes my head ache: giveme a cup of wine, and let us have a dance. '

All applauded the royal proposition; and pushing Popanilla from one toanother, until he was fairly hustled to the brink of the lagoon, theysoon forgot the existence of this bore: in one word, he was cut. WhenPopanilla found himself standing alone, and looking grave while allthe rest were gay, he began to suspect that he was not so influentiala personage as he previously imagined. Rather crest-fallen, he sneakedhome; and consoled himself for having nobody to speak to by reading someamusing 'Conversations on Political Economy. '

CHAPTER 5

Popanilla was discomposed, but he was not discomfited. He consoledhimself for the Royal neglect by the recollection of the manyillustrious men who had been despised, banished, imprisoned, and burntfor the maintenance of opinions which, centuries afterwards, hadbeen discovered to be truth. He did not forget that in still furthercenturies the lately recognised truth had been re-discovered to befalsehood; but then these men were not less illustrious; and what wonderthat their opinions were really erroneous, since they were not hispresent ones? The reasoning was equally conclusive and consolatory. Popanilla, therefore, was not discouraged; and although he deemed itmore prudent not to go out of his way to seek another audience of hissovereign, or to be too anxious again to address a public meeting, he nevertheless determined to proceed cautiously, but constantly, propagating his doctrines and proselytizing in private. 

Unfortunately for Popanilla, he did not enjoy one advantage which allfounders of sects have duly appreciated, and by which they have beenmaterially assisted. It is a great and an unanswerable argument infavour of a Providence that we constantly perceive that the mostbeneficial results are brought about by the least worthy and mostinsignificant agents. The purest religions would never have beenestablished had they not been supported by sinners who felt the burthenof the old faith; and the most free and enlightened governmentsare often generated by the discontented, the disappointed, and thedissolute. Now, in the Isle of Fantaisie, unfortunately for ourrevolutionizer, there was not a single grumbler. 

Unable, therefore, to make the bad passions of his fellow creatures theunconscious instruments of his good purposes, Popanilla must have beencontented to have monopolised all the wisdom of the moderns, had he not, with the unbaffled wit of an inventor, hit upon a new expedient. LikeSocrates, our philosopher began to cultivate with sedulousness thesociety of youth. 

In a short time the ladies of Fantaisie were forced to observe that thefair sex most unfashionably predominated in their evening assemblages;for the young gentlemen of the island had suddenly ceased to pay theirgraceful homage at the altar of Terpsichore. In an Indian isle not todance was as bad as heresy. The ladies rallied the recreants, but theirplayful sarcasms failed of their wonted effect. In the natural courseof things they had recourse to remonstrances, but their appeals wereequally fruitless. The delicate creatures tried reproaches, but theboyish cynics received them with a scowl and answered them with a sneer. 

The women fled in indignation to their friendly monarch; but thevoluptuary of nature only shrugged his shoulders and smiled. He kissedaway their tears, and their frowns vanished as he crowned their longhair with roses. 

'If the lads really show such bad taste, ' said his Majesty, 'why I andmy lords must do double duty, and dance with a couple of you at once. 'Consoled and complimented, and crowned by a King, who could look sad?The women forgot their anger in their increasing loyalty. 

But the pupils of Popanilla had no sooner mastered the first principlesof science than they began to throw off their retired habits anduncommunicative manners. Being not utterly ignorant of some of therudiments of knowledge, and consequently having completed theireducation, it was now their duty, as members of society, to instructand not to study. They therefore courted, instead of shunned, theirfellow-creatures; and on all occasions seized all opportunitiesof assisting the spread of knowledge. The voices of lecturing boysresounded in every part of the island. Their tones were so shrill, their manners so presuming, their knowledge so crude, and their generaldemeanour so completely unamiable, that it was impossible to hear themwithout delight, advantage, and admiration. 

The women were not now the only sufferers and the only complainants. Dinned to death, the men looked gloomy; and even the King, for the firsttime in his life, looked grave. Could this Babel, he thought, be thatempire of bliss, that delightful Fantaisie, where to be ruler onlyproved that you were the most skilful in making others happy! Hisbrow ached under his light flowery crown, as if it were bound by thebarbarous circle of a tyrant, heavy with gems and gold. In his despairhe had some thoughts of leaving his kingdom and betaking himself to themermaids. 

The determination of the most precious portion of his subjects saved hisempire. As the disciples of the new school were daily demanding, 'Whatis the use of dancing? what is the use of drinking wine? what is the useof smelling flowers?' the women, like prescient politicians, beganto entertain a nervous suspicion that in time these sages might evenpresume to question the utility of that homage which, in spite of theGrecian Philosophers and the British Essayists, we have been in thehabit of conceding to them ever since Eden; and they rushed again tothe King like frightened deer. Something now was to be done; and themonarch, with an expression of countenance which almost amounted toenergy, whispered consolation. 

The King sent for Popanilla; the message produced a great sensation; theenlightened introducer of the new principles had not been at Courtsince he was cut. No doubt his Majesty was at last impregnated with theliberal spirit of the age; and Popanilla was assuredly to be Premier. In fact, it must be so; he was 'sent for;' there was no precedent inFantaisie, though there might be in other islands, for a person being'sent for' and not being Premier. His disciples were in high spirits;the world was now to be regulated upon right principles, and they wereto be installed into their right places. 

'Illustrious Popanilla!' said the King, 'you once did me the honour ofmaking me a speech which, unfortunately for myself, I candidly confess, I was then incapable of understanding; no wonder, as it was the firstI ever beard. I shall not, however, easily forget the effect which itproduced upon me. I have since considered it my duty, as a monarch, topay particular attention to your suggestions. I now understand them withsufficient clearness to be fully convinced of their excellence, and infuture I intend to act upon them, without any exception or deviation. To prove my sincerity, I have determined to commence the new system atonce; and as I think that, without some extension of our internationalrelations, the commercial interest of this island will be incapableof furnishing the taxes which I intend to levy, I have determined, therefore, to fit out an expedition for the purpose of discovering newislands and forming relations with new islanders. It is but due to yourmerit that you should be appointed to the command of it; and furtherto testify my infinite esteem for your character, and my completeconfidence in your abilities, I make you post-captain on the spot. Asthe axiom of your school seems to be that everything can be made perfectat once, without time, without experience, without practice, and withoutpreparation, I have no doubt, with the aid of a treatise or two, Youwill make a consummate naval commander, although you have never been atsea in the whole course of your life. Farewell, Captain Popanilla!'

No sooner was this adieu uttered than four brawny lords of thebed-chamber seized the Turgot of Fantaisie by the shoulders, and carriedhim with inconceivable rapidity to the shore. His pupils, who wouldhave fled to his rescue, were stifled with the embraces of their formerpartners, and their utilitarianism dissolved in the arms of those theyonce so rudely rejected. As for their tutor, he was thrust into one ofthe canoes, with some fresh water, bread-fruit, dried fish, and a basketof alligator-pears. A band of mermaids carried the canoe with exquisitemanagement through the shallows and over the breakers, and poorPopanilla in a few minutes found himself out at sea. Tremendouslyfrightened, he offered to recant all his opinions, and denounce astraitors any individuals whom the Court might select. But his formercompanions did not exactly detect the utility of his return. His offers, his supplications, were equally fruitless; and the only answer whichfloated to him on the wind was, 'Farewell, Captain Popanilla!'

CHAPTER 6

Night fell upon the waters, dark and drear, and thick and misty. Howunlike those brilliant hours that once summoned him to revelry and love!Unhappy Popanilla! Thy delicious Fantaisie has vanished! Ah, pitiableyouth! What could possibly have induced you to be so very rash? And allfrom that unlucky lock of hair!

After a few natural paroxysms of rage, terror, anguish, and remorse, the Captain as naturally subsided into despair, and awaited with sullenapathy that fate which could not be far distant. The only thing whichpuzzled the philosophical navigator was his inability to detect whatuseful end could be attained by his death. At length, remembering thatfish must be fed, his theory and his desperation were at the same timeconfirmed. 

A clear, dry morning succeeded the wet, gloomy night, and Popanilla hadnot yet gone down. This extraordinary suspension of his fate roused himfrom his stupor, and between the consequent excitement and the morningair he acquired an appetite. Philosophical physicians appear tohave agreed that sorrow, to a certain extent, is not unfavourable todigestion; and as Popanilla began to entertain some indefinite andunreasonable hopes, the alligator-pears quickly disappeared. Inthe meantime the little canoe cut her way, as if she were chasing asmuggler; and had it not been for a shark or two who, in anticipationof their services being required, never left her side for a second, Popanilla really might have made some ingenious observations on thenature of tides. He was rather surprised, certainly, as he watched hisfrail bark cresting the waves; but he soon supposed that this was all inthe natural course of things; and he now ascribed his previous fright, not to the peril of his situation, but to his inexperience of it. 

Although his apprehension of being drowned was now removed, yet when hegazed on the boundless vacancy before him, and also observed that hisprovisions rapidly decreased, he began to fear that he was destined fora still more horrible fate, and that, after having eaten his ownslices, he must submit to be starved. In this state of despondency, withinfinite delight and exultation Le clearly observed, on the secondclay, at twenty-seven minutes past three P. M. , though at a considerabledistance, a mountain and an island. His joy and his pride were equal, and excessive: he called the first Alligator Mountain, in gratitude tothe pears; and christened the second after his mistress, that unluckymistress! The swift canoe soon reached the discoveries, and the happydiscoverer further found, to his mortification, that the mountain wasa mist and the island a sea-weed. Popanilla now grew sulky, and threwhimself down in the bottom of his boat. 

On the third morning he was awakened by a tremendous roar; on lookingaround him he perceived that he was in a valley formed by two waves, each several hundred feet high. This seemed the crisis of his fate; heshut his eyes, as people do when they are touched by a dentist, and ina few minutes was still bounding on the ocean in the eternal canoe, safebut senseless. Some tremendous peals of thunder, a roaring wind, and ascathing lightning confirmed his indisposition; and had not the tempestsubsided, Popanilla would probably have been an idiot for life. The deadand soothing calm which succeeded this tornado called him back againgradually to existence. He opened his eyes, and, scarcely daring to trya sense, immediately shut them; then hearing a deep sigh, he shruggedhis shoulders, and looked as pitiable as a prime minister with arebellious cabinet. At length he ventured to lift up his head; there wasnot a wrinkle on the face of ocean; a halcyon fluttered over him, andthen scudded before his canoe, and gamesome porpoises were tumbling athis side. The sky was cloudless, except in the direction to which he wasdriving; but even as Popanilla observed, with some misgivings, the massof vapours which had there congregated, the great square and solid blackclouds drew off like curtains, and revealed to his entranced vision amagnificent city rising out of the sea. 

Tower, and dome, and arch, column, and spire, and obelisk, and loftyterraces, and many-windowed palaces, rose in all directions from a massof building which appeared to him each instant to grow more huge, tillat length it seemed to occupy the whole horizon. The sun lent additionallustre to the dazzling quays of white marble which apparently surroundedthis mighty city, and which rose immediately from the dark blue waters. As the navigator drew nearer, he observed that in most parts the quayswere crowded with beings who, he trusted, were human, and already thehum of multitudes broke upon his inexperienced ear: to him a sound farmore mysterious and far more exciting than the most poetical of windsto the most wind of poets. On the right of this vast city rose whatwas mistaken by Popanilla for an immense but leafless forest; but morepractical men than the Fantaisian Captain have been equally confoundedby the first sight of a million of masts. 

The canoe cut its way with increased rapidity, and ere Popanilla hadrecovered himself sufficiently to make even an ejaculation, he foundhimself at the side of a quay. Some amphibious creatures, whom hesupposed to be mermen, immediately came to his assistance, rather staredat his serpent-skin coat, and then helped him up the steps. Popanillawas instantly surrounded. 

'Who are you?' said one. 

'What are you?' asked another. 

'Who is it?' exclaimed a third. 

'What is it?' screamed a fourth. 

'My friends, I am a man!'

'A man!' said the women; 'are you sure you are a real man?'

'He must be a sea-god!' said the females. 

'She must be a sea-goddess!' said the males. 

'A Triton!' maintained the women. 

'A Nereid!' argued the men. 

'It is a great fish!' said the boys. 

Thanks to the Universal Linguist, Captain Popanilla, under thesepeculiar circumstances, was more loquacious than could have been CaptainParry. 

'Good people! you see before you the most injured of human beings. '

This announcement inspired general enthusiasm. The women wept, the menshook hands with him, and all the boys huzzaed. Popanilla proceeded:--

'Actuated by the most pure, the most patriotic, the most noble, the mostenlightened, and the most useful sentiments, I aspired to ameliorate thecondition of my fellowmen. To this grand object I have sacrificed allthat makes life delightful: I have lost my station in society, my tastefor dancing, my popularity with the men, my favour with the women;and last, but, oh! not least (excuse this emotion), I have lost a veryparticular lock of hair. In one word, my friends, you see before you, banished, ruined, and unhappy, the victim of a despotic sovereign, acorrupt aristocracy, and a misguided people. '

No sooner had he ceased speaking than Popanilla really imagined that hehad only escaped the dangers of sedition and the sea to expire by lesshostile, though not less effective, means. To be strangled was notmuch better than to be starved: and certainly, with half-a-dozen highlyrespectable females clinging round his neck, he was not reminded forthe first time in his life what a domestic bowstring is an affectionatewoman. In an agony of suffocation he thought very little of his arms, although the admiration of the men had already, in his imagination, separated these useful members from his miserable body and had it notbeen for some justifiable kicking and plunging, the veneration of theingenuous and surrounding youth, which manifested itself by their activeexertions to divide his singular garment into relics of a martyr ofliberty, would soon have effectually prevented the ill-starred Popanillafrom being again mistaken for a Nereid. Order was at length restored, and a committee of eight appointed to regulate the visits of theincreasing mob. 

The arrangements were judicious; the whole populace was marshalled intoranks; classes of twelve persons were allowed consecutively to walk pastthe victim of tyranny, corruption, and ignorance; and each person hadthe honour to touch his finger. During this proceeding, which lasted afew hours, an influential personage generously offered to receivethe eager subscriptions of the assembled thousands. Even the boyssubscribed, and ere six hours had passed since his arrival as a coatlessvagabond in this liberal city, Captain Popanilla found himself a personof considerable means. 

The receiver of the subscriptions, while he crammed Popanilla'sserpent-skin pockets fall of gold pieces, at the same time kindlyoffered the stranger to introduce him to an hotel. Popanilla, whowas quite beside himself, could only bow his assent, and mechanicallyaccompanied his conductor. When he had regained his faculty of speech, he endeavoured, in wandering sentences of grateful incoherency, toexpress his deep sense of this unparalleled liberality. 'It was anexcess of generosity in which mankind could never have before indulged!'

'By no means!' said his companion, with great coolness; 'far from thisbeing an unparalleled affair, I assure you it is a matter of hourlyoccurrence; make your mind quite easy. You are probably not aware thatyou are now living in the richest and the most charitable country in theworld?'

'Wonderful!' said Popanilla; 'and what is the name, may I ask, of thischaritable city?'

'Is it possible, ' said his companion, with a faint smile, 'that you areignorant of the great city of Hubbabub; the largest city not onlythat exists, but that ever did exist, and the capital of the island ofVraibleusia, the most famous island not only that is known, but thatever was known?'

While he was speaking they were accosted by a man upon crutches, who, telling them in a broken voice that he had a wife and twelve infantchildren dependent on his support, supplicated a little charity. Popanilla was about to empty part of his pocketfuls into the mendicant'scap, but his companion repressed his unphilosophical facility. 'By nomeans!' said his friend, who, turning round to the beggar, advised him, in a mild voice, to work; calmly adding, that if he presumed to askcharity again he should certainly have him bastinadoed. Then they walkedon. 

Popanilla's attention was so distracted by the variety, the number, thenovelty, and the noise of the objects which were incessantly hurriedupon his observation, that he found no time to speak; and as hiscompanion, though exceedingly polite, was a man of few words, conversation rather flagged. 

At last, overwhelmed by the magnificence of the streets, the splendourof the shops, the number of human beings, the rattling of the vehicles, the dashing of the horses, and a thousand other sounds and objects, Popanilla gave loose to a loud and fervent wish that his hotel mighthave the good fortune of being situated in this interesting quarter. 

'By no means!' said his companion; 'we have yet much further to go. Farfrom this being a desirable situation for you, my friend, no civilisedperson is ever seen here; and had not the cause of civil and religiousliberty fortunately called me to the water-side to-day, I should havelost the opportunity of showing how greatly I esteem a gentleman who hassuffered so severely in the cause of national amelioration. '

'Sir!' said Popanilla, 'your approbation is the only reward which I evershall desire for my exertions. You will excuse me for not quite keepingup with you; but the fact is, my pockets are so stuffed with cash thatthe action of my legs is greatly impeded. '

'Credit me, my friend, that you are suffering from an inconveniencewhich you will not long experience in Hubbabub. Nevertheless, to remedyit at present, I think the best thing we can do is to buy a purse. '

They accordingly entered a shop where such an article might be found, and taking up a small sack, for Popanilla was very rich, his companioninquired its price, which he was informed was four crowns. No sooner hadthe desired information been given than the proprietor of the oppositeshop rushed in, and offered him the same article for three crowns. Theoriginal merchant, not at all surprised at the intrusion, and not theleast apologising for his former extortion, then demanded two. Hisrival, being more than his match, he courteously dropped upon his knee, and requested his customer to accept the article gratis, for his sake. The generous dealer would infallibly have carried the day, had not hisrival humbly supplicated the purchaser not only to receive his articleas a gift, but also the compliment of a crown inside. 

'What a terrible cheat the first merchant must have been!' said thepuzzled Popanilla, as they proceeded on their way. 

'By no means!' said his calm companion; 'the purse was sufficiently, cheap even at four crowns. This is not Cheatery; this is Competition!'

'What a wonderful nation, then, this must be, where you not only getpurses gratis but even well loaded! What use, then, is all this heavygold? It is a tremendous trouble to carry; I will empty the bag intothis kennel, for money surely can be of no use in a city where, when inwant of cash, you have only to go into a shop and buy a purse!'

'Your pardon!' said his companion; 'far from this being the case, Vraibleusia is, without doubt, the dearest country in the world. '

'If, then, ' said the inquisitive Popanilla, with great animation, 'if, then, this country be the dearest in the world; if, how--'

'My good friend!' said his companion, 'I really am the last person inthe world to answer questions. All that I know is, that this countryis extremely dear, and that the only way to get things cheap is toencourage Competition. '

Here the progress of his companion was impeded for some time by a greatcrowd, which had assembled to catch a glimpse of a man who was to flyoff a steeple, but who had not yet arrived. A chimney-sweeper observedto a scientific friend that probably the density of the atmosphere mightprevent the intended volitation; and Popanilla, who, having read almostas many pamphlets as the observer, now felt quite at home, exceedinglyadmired the observation. 

'He must be a very superior man, this gentleman in black!' saidPopanilla to his companion. 

'By no means! he is of the lowest class in society. But you are probablynot aware that you are in the most educated country in the world. '

'Delightful!' said Popanilla. 

The Captain was exceedingly desirous of witnessing the flight of theVraibleusian Daedalus, but his friend advised their progress. This, however, was not easy; and Popanilla, animated for the moment by hisnatural aristocratic disposition, and emboldened by his superior sizeand strength, began to clear his way in a manner which was more cogentthan logical. The chimney-sweeper and his comrades were soon in arms, and Popanilla would certainly have been killed or ducked by thissuperior man and his friends, had it not been for the mild remonstranceof his conductor and the singular appearance of his costume. 

'What could have induced you to be so imprudent?' said his rescuer, whenthey had escaped from the crowd. 

'Truly, ' said Popanilla, 'I thought that in a country where you maybastinado the wretch who presumes to ask you for alms, there couldsurely be no objection to my knocking down the scoundrel who dared tostand in my way. '

'By no means!' said his friend, slightly elevating his eye-brows. 'Hereall men are equal. You are probably not aware that you are at present inthe freest country in the world. '

'I do not exactly understand you; what is this freedom?'

'My good friend, I really am the last person in the world to answerquestions. Freedom is, in one word, Liberty: a kind of thing which youforeigners never can understand, and which mere theory can make no manunderstand. When you have been in the island a few weeks all will bequite clear to you. In the meantime, do as others do, and never knockmen down!'

CHAPTER 7

'Although we are yet some way from our hotel, ' remarked Popanilla'sconductor, 'we have now arrived at a part of the city where I can easeyou, without difficulty, from your troublesome burthen; let us enterhere!'

As he spoke, they stopped before a splendid palace, and proceedingthrough various halls full of individuals apparently intently busied, the companions were at last ushered into an apartment of smaller size, but of more elegant character. A personage of prepossessing appearancewas lolling on a couch of an appearance equally prepossessing. Beforehim, on a table, were some papers, exquisite fruits, and some liqueurs. Popanilla was presented, and received with fascinating complaisance. Hisfriend stated the object of their visit, and handed the sackful of goldto the gentleman on the sofa. The gentleman on the sofa ordered a coupleof attendants to ascertain its contents. While this computation wasgoing on he amused his guests by his lively conversation, and charmedPopanilla by his polished manners and easy civility. He offered him, during his stay in Vraibleusia, the use of a couple of equipages, a villa, and an opera-box; insisted upon sending to his hotel somepine-apples and some rare wine, and gave him a perpetual ticket to hispicture-gallery. When his attendants had concluded their calculation, he ordered them to place Popanilla's precious metal in his treasury;and then, presenting the Captain with a small packet of pink shells, hekindly inquired whether he could be of any further use to him. Popanillawas loth to retire without his gold, of the utility of which, in spiteof the convenience of competition, he seemed to possess an instinctiveconception; but as his friend rose and withdrew, he could do nothingless than accompany him; for, having now known him nearly half a day, his confidence in his honour and integrity was naturally unbounded. 

'That was the King, of course?' said Popanilla, when they were fairlyout of the palace. 

'The King!' said the unknown, nearly surprised into an exclamation; 'byno means!'

'And what then?'

'My good friend! is it possible that you have no bankers in yourcountry?'

'Yes, it is very possible; but we have mermaids, who also give us shellswhich are pretty. What then are your bankers?'

'Really, my good friend, that is a question which I never rememberhaving been asked before; but a banker is a man who keeps our money forus. '

'Ah! and he is bound, I suppose, to return your money, when you choose?'

'Most assuredly!'

'He is, then, in fact, your servant: you must pay him handsomely, forhim to live so well?'

'By no means! we pay him nothing. '

'That is droll; he must be very rich then?'

'Really, my dear friend, I cannot say. Why, yes! I--I suppose he may bevery rich!'

'Tis singular that a rich man should take so much trouble for others!'

'My good friend! of course he lives by his trouble. '

'Ah! How, then, ' continued the inquisitive Fantaisian, 'if you do notpay him for his services, and he yet lives by them; how, I pray, does heacquire these immense riches?'

'Really, my good sir, I am, in truth, the very last man in the world toanswer questions: he is a banker; bankers are always rich; but why theyare, or how they are, I really never had time to inquire. But I suppose, if the truth were known, they must have very great opportunities. '

'Ah! I begin to see, ' said Popanilla. 'It was really very kind ofhim, ' continued the Captain, 'to make me a present of these little pinkshells: what would I not give to turn them into a necklace, and send itto a certain person at Fantaisie!'

'It would be a very expensive necklace, ' observed his companion, almostsurprised. 'I had no idea, I confess, from your appearance, that in yourcountry they indulged in such expensive tastes in costume. '

'Expensive!' said Popanilla. 'We certainly have no such shells as thesein Fantaisie; but we have much more beautiful ones. I should think, fromtheir look, they must be rather common. '

His conductor for the first time nearly laughed. 'I forgot, ' saidhe, 'that you could not be aware that these pink shells are the mostprecious coin of the land, compared with which those bits of gold withwhich you have recently parted are nothing; your whole fortune is nowin that little packet. The fact is, ' continued the unknown, making aneffort to communicate, 'although we possess in this country more of theprecious metals than all the rest of the world together, the quantity isnevertheless utterly disproportioned to the magnitude of our wealth andour wants. We have been, therefore, under the necessity of resortingto other means of representing the first and supplying the second; and, taking advantage of our insular situation, we have introduced thesesmall pink shells, which abound all round the coast. Being much moreconvenient to carry, they are in general circulation, and no genteelperson has ever anything else in his pocket. '

'Wonderful! But surely, then, it is no very difficult thing in thiscountry to accumulate a fortune, since all that is necessary to give youevery luxury of life is a stroll one morning of your existence along thebeach?'

'By no means, my friend! you are really too rapid. The fact is, thatno one has the power of originally circulating these shells but ourGovernment; and if any one, by any chance, choose to violate thisarrangement, we make up for depriving him of his solitary walks on theshore by instant submersion in the sea. '

'Then the whole circulation of the country is at the mercy of yourGovernment?' remarked Popanilla, summoning to his recollection thecontents of one of those shipwrecked brochures which had exercised sostrange an influence on his destiny. 'Suppose they do not choose toissue?'

'That is always guarded against. The mere quarterly payments of interestupon our national debt will secure an ample supply. '

'Debt! I thought you were the richest nation in the world?'

'Tis true; nevertheless, if there were a golden pyramid with a base asbig as the whole earth and an apex touching the heavens, it would notsupply us with sufficient metal to satisfy our creditors. '

'But, my dear sir, ' exclaimed the perplexed Popanilla, 'if this reallybe true, how then can you be said to be the richest nation in theworld?'

'It is very simple. The annual interest upon our debt exceeds the wholewealth of the rest of the world; therefore we must be the richest nationin the world. '

'Tis true, ' said Popanilla; 'I see I have yet much to learn. But withregard to these pink shells, how can you possibly create for them acertain standard of value? It is merely agreement among yourselves thatfixes any value to them. '

'By no means! you are so rapid! Each shell is immediately convertibleinto gold; of which metal, let me again remind you, we possess more thanany other nation; but which, indeed, we only keep as a sort of dresscoin, chiefly to indulge the prejudices of foreigners. '

'But, ' said the perpetual Popanilla, 'suppose every man who held a shellon the same day were to--'

'My good friend! I really am the last person in the world to giveexplanations. In Vraibleusia, we have so much to do that we have no timeto think; a habit which only becomes nations who are not employed. Youare now fast approaching the Great Shell Question; a question which, Iconfess, affects the interests of every man in this island more than anyother; but of which, I must candidly own, every man in this island ismore ignorant than of any other. No one, however, can deny that thesystem works well; and if anything at any time go wrong, why reallyMr. Secretary Periwinkle is a wonderful man, and our most eminentconchologist. He, no doubt, will set it right; and if, by any chance, things are past even his management, why then, I suppose, to use ournational motto, something will turn up. '

Here they arrived at the hotel. Having made every arrangement forthe comfort and convenience of the Fantaisian stranger, Popanilla'sconductor took his leave, previously informing him that his name wasSkindeep; that he was a member of one of the largest families in theisland; that, had he not been engaged to attend a lecture, he would havestayed and dined with him; but that he would certainly call upon him onthe morrow. 

Compared with his hotel the palace of his banker was a dungeon; even thesunset voluptuousness of Fantaisie was now remembered without regretin the blaze of artificial light and in the artificial gratificationof desires which art had alone created. After a magnificent repast, hishost politely inquired of Popanilla whether he would like to go to theOpera, the comedy, or a concert; but the Fantaisian philosopher was notyet quite corrupted; and, still inspired with a desire to acquire usefulknowledge, he begged his landlord to procure him immediately a pamphleton the Shell Question. 

While his host was engaged in procuring this luxury a man entered theroom and told Popanilla that he had walked that day two thousand fivehundred paces, and that the tax due to the Excise upon this promenadewas fifty crowns. The Captain stared, and remarked to the excise-officerthat he thought a man's paces were a strange article to tax. Theexcise-officer, with great civility, answered that no doubt at firstsight it might appear rather strange, but that it was the only articleleft untaxed in Vraibleusia; that there was a slight deficiency inthe last quarter's revenue, and that therefore the Government had noalternative; that it was a tax which did not press heavily upon theindividual, because the Vraibleusians were of a sedentary habit; that, besides, it was an opinion every day more received among the best judgesthat the more a man was taxed the richer he ultimately would prove; andhe concluded by saying that Popanilla need not make himself uneasy aboutthese demands, because, if he were ruined to-morrow, being a foreigner, he was entitled by the law of the land to five thousand a-year; whereashe, the excise-man, being a native-born Vraibleusian, had no claimswhatever upon the Government; therefore he hoped his honour would givehim something to drink. 

His host now entered with the 'Novum Organon' of the great Periwinkle. While Popanilla devoured the lively pages of this treatise, hediscovered that the system which had been so subtilely introduced by theGovernment, and which had so surprised him in the morning, had soon beenadopted in private life; and although it was a drowning matter to pickup pink shells, still there was nothing to prevent the whole commerceof the country from being carried on by means of a system equallyconchological. He found that the social action in every part of theisland was regulated and assisted by this process. Oyster-shells werefirst introduced; muscle-shells speedily followed; and, as commercebecame more complicate, they had even been obliged to have recourse tosnail-shells. Popanilla retired to rest with admiration of the peoplewho thus converted to the most useful purposes things apparently souseless. There was no saying now what might not be done even with anutshell. It was evident that the nation who contrived to be the richestpeople in the world while they were over head and ears in debt must befast approaching to a state of perfection. Finally, sinking to sleep ina bed of eiderdown, Popanilla was confirmed in his prejudices against astate of nature. 

CHAPTER 8

Skindeep called upon Popanilla on the following morning in an elegantequipage, and with great politeness proposed to attend him in a driveabout the city. 

The island of Vraibleusia is one hundred and fifty miles incircumference, two-thirds of which are covered by the city of Hubbabub. It contains no other city, town, or village. The rest of the islandconsists of rivers, canals, and railroads. Popanilla was surprised whenhe was informed that Hubbabub did not contain more than five millionsof inhabitants; but his surprise was decreased when their journeyoccasionally lay through tracts of streets, consisting often ofcapacious mansions entirely tenantless. On seeking an explanationof this seeming desolation, he was told that the Hubbabubianswere possessed by a frenzy of always moving on, westward; and thatconsequently great quarters of the city are perpetually deserted. Evenas Skindeep was speaking their passage was stopped by a large caravanof carriages and wagons heavily laden with human creatures and theirchildren and chattels. On Skindeep inquiring the cause of this greatmovement, he was informed by one on horseback, who seemed to be theleader of the horde, that they were the late dwellers in sundry squaresand streets situated far to the east; that their houses having beenridiculed by an itinerant balladeer, the female part of the tribe hadinsisted upon immediately quitting their unfashionable fatherland; andthat now, after three days' journey, they had succeeded in reaching thelate settlement of a horde who had migrated to the extreme west. 

Quitting regions so subject to revolutions and vicissitudes, thetravellers once more emerged into quarters of a less transitoryreputation; and in the magnificent parks, the broad streets, theample squares, the palaces, the triumphal arches, and the theatres ofoccidental Hubbabub, Popanilla lost those sad and mournful feelingswhich are ever engendered by contemplating the gloomy relics of departedgreatness. It was impossible to admire too much the architecture of thispart of the city. The elevations were indeed imposing. In general, themassy Egyptian appropriately graced the attic-stories; while the finerand more elaborate architecture of Corinth was placed on a level withthe eye, so that its beauties might be more easily discovered. Spaciouscolonnades were flanked by porticoes, surmounted by domes; nor was thenumber of columns at all limited, for you occasionally met with porticosof two tiers, the lower one of which consisted of three, the higher oneof thirty columns. Pedestals of the purest Ionic Gothic were ingeniouslyintermixed with Palladian pediments; and the surging spire exquisitelyharmonised with the horizontal architecture of the ancients. Butperhaps, after all, the most charming effect was produced by thepyramids, surmounted by weather-cocks. 

Popanilla was particularly pleased by some chimneys of Caryatides, anddid not for a moment hesitate in assenting to the assertion of Skindeepthat the Vraibleusians were the most architectural nation in the world. True it was, they had begun late; their attention as a people havingbeen, for a considerable time, attracted to much more important affairs;but they had compensated for their tardy attention by their speedyexcellence. *

 * See a work which will be shortly published, entitled, 'The difference detected between Architecture and Parchitecture, ' by Sansovino the Second. 

Before they returned home Skindeep led Popanilla to the top of a tower, from whence they had a complete view of the whole island. Skindeepparticularly directed the Captain's attention to one spot, whereflourished, as he said, the only corn-fields in the country, whichsupplied the whole nation, and were the property of one individual. Sounrivalled was his agricultural science that the vulgar only accountedfor his admirable produce by a miraculous fecundity! The proprietor ofthese hundred golden acres was a rather mysterious sort of personage. Hewas an aboriginal inhabitant, and, though the only one of the aboriginesin existence, had lived many centuries, and, to the consternation ofsome of the Vraibleusians and the exultation of others, exhibited nosigns of decay. This awful being was without a name. When spoken of byhis admirers he was generally described by such panegyrical periphrasesas 'soul of the country, ' 'foundation of the State, ' 'the only real, and true, and substantial being;' while, on the other hand, those whopresumed to differ from those sentiments were in the habit of stylinghim 'the dead weight, ' 'the vampire, ' 'the night-mare, ' and other titlesequally complimentary. They also maintained that, instead of beingeither real or substantial, he was, in fact, the most flimsy andfictitious personage in the whole island; and then, lashing themselvesup into metaphor, they would call him a meteor, or a vapour, or a greatwindy bubble, that would some day burst. 

The Aboriginal insisted that it was the common law of the land that theislanders should purchase their corn only of him. They grumbled, buthe growled; he swore that it was the constitution of the country; thatthere was an uninterrupted line of precedents to confirm the claim; andthat, if they did not approve of the arrangement, they and their fathersshould not have elected to have settled, or presumed to have beenspawned, upon his island. Then, as if he were not desirous of restinghis claim on its mere legal merits, he would remind them of thesuperiority of his grain, and the impossibility of a scarcity, in theevent of which calamity an insular people could always find a plentifulthough temporary resource in sea-weed. He then clearly proved to themthat, if ever they had the imprudence to change any of their old laws, they would necessarily never have more than one meal a day as long asthey lived. Finally, he recalled to their recollection that he had madethe island what it was, that he was their mainstay, and that his counseland exertions had rendered them the wonder of the world. Thus, betweenforce, and fear, and flattery, the Vraibleusians paid for their cornnearly its weight in gold; but what did that signify to a nation with somany pink shells!

CHAPTER 9

The third day after his drive with his friend Skindeep, Popanilla waswaited upon by the most eminent bookseller in Hubbabub, who begged tohave the honour of introducing to the public a Narrative of CaptainPopanilla's Voyage. This gentleman assured Popanilla that theVraibleusian public were nervously alive to anything connected withdiscovery; that so ardent was their attachment to science and naturalphilosophy that voyages and travels were sure to be read with eagerness, particularly if they had coloured plates. Popanilla was charmed with theproposition, but blushingly informed the mercantile Maecenas that he didnot know how to write. The publisher told him that this circumstance wasnot of the slightest importance; that he had never for a moment supposedthat so sublime a savage could possess such a vulgar accomplishment;and that it was by no means difficult for a man to publish his travelswithout writing a line of them. 

Popanilla having consented to become an author upon these terms, the publisher asked him to dine with him, and introduced him to anintelligent individual. This intelligent individual listened attentivelyto all Popanilla's adventures. The Captain concealed nothing. He beganwith the eternal lock of hair, and showed how wonderfully this world wasconstituted, that even the loss of a thing was not useless; from whichit was clear that Utility was Providence. After drinking some capitalwine, the intelligent individual told Popanilla that he was wrong insupposing Fantaisie to be an island; that, on the contrary, it was agreat continent; that this was proved by the probable action of thetides in the part of the island which had not yet been visited; that theconsequence of these tides would be that, in the course of a seasonor two, Fantaisie would become a great receptacle for icebergs, and beturned into the North Pole; that, therefore, the seasons throughout theworld would be changed; that this year, in Vraibleusia, the usual winterwould be omitted, and that when the present summer was finished thedog-days would again commence. Popanilla took his leave highly delightedwith this intelligent individual and with the bookseller's wine. 

Owing to the competition which existed between the publishers, theprinters, and the engravers of the city of Hubbabub, and the greatexertions of the intelligent individual, the Narrative of CaptainPopanilla's Voyage was brought out in less than a week, and wasimmediately in everybody's hand. The work contained a detailed accountof everything which took place daring the whole of the three days, andformed a quarto volume. The plates were numerous and highly interesting, There was a line engraving of Alligator Mountain and a mezzotint ofSeaweed Island; a view of the canoe N. E. ; a view of the canoe N. W. ;a view of the canoe S. E. ; a view of the canoe S. W. There werehighly-finished coloured drawings of the dried fish and the breadfruit, and an exquisitely tinted representation of the latter in a mouldystate. But the chef-d'oeuvre was the portrait of the Author himself. Hewas represented trampling on the body of a boa constrictor of the firstquality, in the skin of which he was dressed; at his back were his bowand arrows; his right hand rested on an uprooted pine-tree; he stood ina desert between two volcanoes; at his feet was a lake of magnitude;the distance lowered with an approaching tornado; but a lucky flash oflightning revealed the range of the Andes and both oceans. Altogether helooked the most dandified of savages, and the most savage of dandies. Itwas a sublime lithograph, and produced scarcely less important effectsupon Popanilla's fortune than that lucky 'lock of hair;' for no soonerwas the portrait published than Popanilla received a ticket for thereceptions of a lady of quality. On showing it to Skindeep, he was toldthat the honour was immense, and therefore he must go by all means. Skindeep regretted that he could not accompany him, but he was engagedto a lecture on shoemaking; and a lecture was a thing he made it a pointnever to miss, because, as he very properly observed, 'By lectures youmay become extremely well informed without any of the inconveniences ofstudy. No fixity of attention, no continuity of meditation, no habitsof reflection, no aptitude of combination, are the least requisite; allwhich things only give you a nervous headache; and yet you gain all theresults of all these processes. True it is that that which is so easilyacquired is not always so easily remembered; but what of that? Supposeyou forget any subject, why then you go to another lecture. ' 'Verytrue!' said Popanilla. 

Popanilla failed not to remember his invitation from Lady Spirituelle;and at the proper hour his announcement produced a sensation throughouther crowded saloons. 

Spirituelle was a most enchanting lady; she asked Popanilla how tall hereally was, and whether the women in Fantaisie were as handsome as themen. Then she said that the Vraibleusians were the most intellectualand the most scientific nation in the world, and that the society at herhouse was the most intellectual and the most scientific in Vraibleusia. She told him also that she had hoped by this season the world would havebeen completely regulated by mind; but that the subversion of matter wasa more substantial business than she and the Committee of Managementhad imagined: she had no doubt, however, that in a short time mind mustcarry the day, because matter was mortal and mind eternal; thereforemind had the best chance. Finally, she also told him that the passionswere the occasion of all the misery which had ever existed; and thatit was impossible for mankind either to be happy or great until, likeherself and her friends, they were 'all soul. '

Popanilla was charmed with his company. What a difference between thecalm, smiling, easy, uninteresting, stupid, sunset countenancesof Fantaisie and those around him. All looked so interested and sointelligent; their eyes were so anxious, their gestures so animated, their manners so earnest. They must be very clever! He drew nearer. If before he were charmed, now he was enchanted. What an universalacquisition of useful knowledge! Three or four dukes were earnestlyimbibing a new theory of gas from a brilliant little gentleman in black, who looked like a Will-o'-the-wisp. The Prime Minister was anxiousabout pin-making; a Bishop equally interested in a dissertation onthe escapements of watches; a Field-Marshal not less intent on a newspecific from the concentrated essence of hellebore. But what mostdelighted Popanilla was hearing a lecture from the most eminent lawyerand statesman in Vraibleusia on his first and favourite study ofhydrostatics. His associations quite overcame him: all Fantaisie rushedupon his memory, and he was obliged to retire to a less frequented partof the room to relieve his too excited feelings. 

He was in a few minutes addressed by the identical little gentleman whohad recently been speculating with the three dukes. 

The little gentleman told him that he had heard with great pleasure thatin Fantaisie they had no historians, poets, or novelists. He proved toPopanilla that no such thing as experience existed; that, as the worldwas now to be regulated on quite different principles from those bywhich it had hitherto been conducted, similar events to those which hadoccurred could never again take place; and therefore it was absolutelyuseless to know anything about the past. With regard to literaryfiction, he explained that, as it was absolutely necessary, from hisnature, that man should experience a certain quantity of excitement, thefalse interest which these productions created prevented their readersfrom obtaining this excitement by methods which, by the discovery of theuseful, might greatly benefit society. 

'You are of opinion, then, ' exclaimed the delighted Popanilla, 'thatnothing is good which is not useful?'

'Is it possible that an individual exists in this world who doubts thisgreat first principle?' said the little man, with great animation. 

'Ah, my dear friend!' said Popanilla, 'if you only knew what an avowalof this great first principle has cost me; what I have suffered; what Ihave lost!'

'What have you lost?' asked the little gentleman. 

'In the first place, a lock of hair--'

'Poh, nonsense!'

'Ah! you may say Poh! but it was a particular lock of hair. '

'My friend, that word is odious. Nothing is particular, everything isgeneral. Rules are general, feelings are general, and property should begeneral; and, sir, I tell you what, in a very short time it must beso. Why should Lady Spirituelle, for instance, receive me at her house, rather than I receive her at mine?'

'Why don't you, then?' asked the simple Popanilla. 

'Because I have not got one, sir!' roared the little gentleman. 

He would certainly have broken away had not Popanilla begged him toanswer one question. The Captain, reiterating in the most solemn mannerhis firm belief in the dogma that nothing was good which was not useful, and again detailing the persecutions which this conviction had broughtupon him, was delighted that an opportunity was now afforded to gainfrom the lips of a distinguished philosopher a definition of whatutility really was. The distinguished philosopher could not refuse sotrifling a favour. 

'Utility, ' said he, 'is--'

At this critical moment there was a universal buzz throughout the rooms, and everybody looked so interested that the philosopher quite forgotto finish his answer. On inquiring the cause of this great sensation, Popanilla was informed that a rumour was about that a new elementhad been discovered that afternoon. The party speedily broke up, theprincipal philosophers immediately rushing to their clubs to ascertainthe truth of this report. Popanilla was unfashionable enough to makehis acknowledgments to his hostess before he left her house. As hegazed upon her ladyship's brilliant eyes and radiant complexion, hefelt convinced of the truth of her theory of the passions; he could notrefrain from pressing her hand in a manner which violated etiquette, andwhich a nativity in the Indian Ocean could alone excuse; the pressurewas graciously returned. As Popanilla descended the staircase, hediscovered a little note of pink satin paper entangled in his ruffle. He opened it with curiosity. It was 'All soul. ' He did not return to hishotel quite so soon as he expected. 

CHAPTER 10

Popanilla breakfasted rather late the next morning, and on looking overthe evening papers, which were just published, his eyes lighted on thefollowing paragraph:--

'Arrived yesterday at the Hotel Diplomatique, His Excellency PrincePopanilla, Ambassador Extraordinary and Minister Plenipotentiary fromthe newly-recognised State of Fantaisie. '

Before his Excellency could either recover from his astonishment or makeany inquiries which might throw any illustration upon its cause, aloud shout in the street made him naturally look out of the window. Heobserved three or four magnificent equipages drawing up at the door ofthe hotel, and followed by a large crowd. Each carriage was drawn byfour horses, and attended by footmen so radiant with gold and scarletthat, had Popanilla been the late ingenious Mr. Keates, he would havemistaken them for the natural children of Phoebus and Aurora. TheAmbassador forgot the irregularity of the paragraph in the splendourof the liveries. He felt triumphantly conscious that the most beautifulrose in the world must look extremely pale by the side of scarlet cloth;and this new example of the superiority of art over nature remindinghim of the inferiority of bread-fruit to grilled muffin, he resolved toreturn to breakfast. 

But it was his fate to be reminded of the inutility of the bestresolutions, for ere the cup of coffee had touched his parched lips thedoor of his room flow open, and the Marquess of Moustache was announced. 

His Lordship was a young gentleman with an expressive countenance; thatis to say, his face was so covered with hair, and the back of hishead cropped so bald, that you generally addressed him in the rear bymistake. He did not speak, but continued bowing for a considerabletime, in that diplomatic manner which means so much. By the time hehad finished bowing his suite had gained the apartment, and hisPrivate Secretary, one of those uncommonly able men who only want anopportunity, seized the present one of addressing Popanilla. 

Bowing to the late Captain with studied respect, he informed him thatthe Marquess Moustache was the nobleman appointed by the Government ofVraibleusia to attend upon his Excellency during the first few weeks ofhis mission, with the view of affording him all information upon thoseobjects which might naturally be expected to engage the interest orattract the attention of so distinguished a personage. The 'ancienmarin' and present Ambassador had been so used to miracles since theloss of that lock of hair, that he did not think it supernatural, having during the last few days been in turn a Fantaisian nobleman, apost-captain, a fish, a goddess, and, above all, an author, he shouldnow be transformed into a plenipotentiary. Drinking, therefore, hiscup of coffee, he assumed an air as if he really were used to havea Marquess for an attendant, and said that he was at his Lordship'sservice. 

The Marquess bowed low, and the Private Secretary remarked that thefirst thing to be done by his Excellency was to be presented tothe Government. After that he was to visit all the manufactories inVraibleusia, subscribe to all the charities, and dine with all theCorporations, attend a dejeuner a la fourchette at a palace they were atpresent building under the sea, give a gold plate to be run for on thefashionable racecourse, be present at morning prayers at the GovernmentChapel, hunt once or twice, give a dinner or two himself, make onepun, and go to the Play, by which various means, he said, the goodunderstanding between the two countries would be materially increasedand, in a manner, established. 

As the Fantaisian Ambassador and his suite entered their carriages, thesky, if it had not been for the smoke, would certainly have been rentby the acclamations of the mob. 'Popanilla for ever!' sounded fromall quarters, except where the shout was varied by 'Vraibleusia andFantaisie against the world!' which perhaps was even the most popularsentiment of the two. The Ambassador was quite agitated, and asked theMarquess what he was to do. The Private Secretary told his Excellencyto bow. Popanilla bowed with such grace that in five minutes the horseswere taken out of his carriage, and that carriage dragged in triumphby the enthusiastic populace. He continued bowing, and their enthusiasmcontinued increasing. In the meantime his Excellency's portrait wassketched by an artist who hung upon his wheel, and in less than half anhour a lithographic likeness of the popular idol was worshipped in everyprint-shop in Hubbabub. 

As they drew nearer the Hall of Audience the crowd kept increasing, tillat length the whole city seemed poured forth to meet him. Althoughnow feeling conscious that he was the greatest man in the island, and therefore only thinking of himself, Popanilla's attention wasnevertheless at this moment attracted by, a singular figure. He wasapparently a man: in stature a Patagonian, and robust as a well-fedogre. His countenance was jolly, but consequential; and his costume acurious mixture of a hunting-dress and a court suit. He was on foot, and in spite of the crowd, with the aid of a good whip and his leftfist made his way with great ease. On inquiring who this extraordinarypersonage might be, Popanilla was informed that it was THE ABORIGINALINHABITANT. As the giant passed the Ambassador's carriages, the wholesuite, even Lord Moustache, rose and bent low; and the Secretary toldPopanilla that there was no person in the island for whom the Governmentof Vraibleusia entertained so profound a respect. 

The crowd was now so immense that even the progress of the AboriginalInhabitant was for a moment impeded. The great man got surrounded by alarge body of little mechanics. The contrast between the pale perspiringvisages and lean forms of these emaciated and half-generated creatures, and the jolly form and ruddy countenance, gigantic limbs and ampleframe, of the Aboriginal, was most striking; nor could any one viewthe group for an instant without feeling convinced that the latter wasreally a superior existence. The mechanics, who were worn by labour, notreduced by famine, far from being miserable, were impudent. They beganrating the mighty one for the dearness of his corn. He received theirattacks with mildness. He reminded them that the regulation by whichthey procured their bread was the aboriginal law of the island, underwhich they had all so greatly flourished. He explained to them that itwas owing to this protecting principle that he and his ancestors, havingnothing to do but to hunt and shoot, had so preserved their health that, unlike the rest of the human race, they had not degenerated from theoriginal form and nature of man. He showed that it was owing tothe vigour of mind and body consequent upon this fine health thatVraibleusia had become the wonder of the world, and that they themselveswere so actively employed; and he inferred that they surely could notgrudge him the income which he derived, since that income was, in fact, the foundation of their own profits. He then satisfactorily demonstratedto them that if by any circumstances he were to cease to exist, the whole island would immediately sink under the sea. Having thuscondescended to hold a little parley with his fellow-subjects, thoughnot follow-creatures, he gave them all a good sound flogging, anddeparted amidst the enthusiastic cheering of those whom he had sobriskly lashed. 

By this time Popanilla had arrived at the Hall of Audience. 

'It was a vast and venerable pile. '

His Excellency and suite quitted their carriages amidst the renewedacclamations of the mob. Proceeding through a number of courts andquadrangles, crowded with guards and officials, they stopped before abronze gate of great height. Over it was written, in vast characters ofliving flame, this inscription:

 TO THE WISEST AND THE BEST, THE RICHEST AND THE MIGHTIEST, THE GLORY AND THE ADMIRATION, THE DEFENCE AND THE CONSTERNATION. 

On reading this mysterious inscription his Excellency experienced asudden and awful shudder. Lord Moustache, however, who was more used tomysteries, taking up a silver trumpet, which was fixed to the portal bya crimson cord, gave a loud blast. The gates flew open with the soundof a whirlwind, and Popanilla found himself in what at first appeared anillimitable hall. It was crowded, but perfect order was preserved. The Ambassador was conducted with great pomp to the upper end of theapartment, where, after an hour's walk, his Excellency arrived. Atthe extremity of the hall was a colossal and metallic Statue ofextraordinary appearance. It represented an armed monarch. The head andbust were of gold, and the curling hair was crowned with an imperialdiadem; the body and arms were of silver, worked in the semblance of acomplete suit of enamelled armour of the feudal ages; and the thighs andlegs were of iron, which the artist had clothed in the bandaged hose ofthe old Saxons. The figure bore the appearance of great antiquity, but had evidently been often repaired and renovated since its firstformation. The workmanship was clearly of different eras, and thereparations, either from ignorance or intention, had often been effectedwith little deference to the original design. Part of the shoulders hadbeen supplied by the other, though less precious, metal, and the Romanand Imperial ornaments had unaccountably been succeeded by the lessclassic, though more picturesque, decorations of Gothic armour. On theother hand, a great portion of the chivalric and precious materialof the body had been removed, and replaced by a style and substanceresembling those of the lower limbs. In its right hand the Statuebrandished a naked sword, and with its left leant upon a huge, thoughextremely rich and elaborately carved, crosier. It trampled upon ashivered lance and a broken chain. 

'Your Excellency perceives, ' said the Secretary, pointing to the Statue, 'that ours is a mixed Government. '

Popanilla was informed that this extraordinary Statue enjoyed all thefaculties of an intellectual being, with the additional advantage ofsome faculties which intellectual beings do not enjoy. It possessed notonly the faculty of speech, but of speaking truth; not only the power ofjudgment, but of judging rightly; not only the habit of listening, butof listening attentively. Its antiquity was so remote that the mostprofound and acute antiquarians had failed in tracing back its origin. The Aboriginal Inhabitant, however, asserted that it was the work of oneof his ancestors; and as his assertion was confirmed by all traditions, the allegation was received. Whatever might have been its origin, certain it was that it was now immortal, for it could never die; andto whomsoever it might have been originally indebted for its power, notless sure was it that it was now omnipotent, for it could do all things. Thus alleged and thus believed the Vraibleusians, marvellous andsublime people! who, with all the impotence of mortality, have created aGovernment which is both immortal and omnipotent!

Generally speaking, the Statue was held in great reverence and viewedwith great admiration by the whole Vraibleusian people. There were a fewpersons, indeed, who asserted that the creation of such a Statue was byno means so mighty a business as it had been the fashion to suppose; andthat it was more than probable that, with the advantages afforded by thescientific discoveries of modern times, they would succeed in making amore useful one. This, indeed, they offered to accomplish, providedthe present Statue were preliminarily destroyed; but as they werewell assured that this offer would never be accepted, it was generallytreated by those who refused it as a braggadocio. There were many alsowho, though they in general greatly admired and respected the presentStatue, affected to believe that, though the execution was wonderful, and the interior machinery indeed far beyond the powers of the presentage, nevertheless the design was in many parts somewhat rude, and thefigure altogether far from being well-proportioned. Some thought thehead too big, some too small; some that the body was disproportionatelylittle; others, on the contrary, that it was so much too large that ithad the appearance of being dropsical; others maintained that the legswere too weak for the support of the whole, and that they should berendered more important and prominent members of the figure; while, on the contrary, there were yet others who cried out that really thesemembers were already so extravagantly huge, so coarse, and so ungenteel, that they quite marred the general effect of a beautiful piece ofsculpture. 

The same differences existed about the comparative excellence of thethree metals and the portions of the body which they respectivelyformed. Some admired the gold, and maintained that if it were not forthe head the Statue would be utterly useless; others preferred thesilver, and would assert that the body, which contained all themachinery, must clearly be the most precious portion; while a thirdparty triumphantly argued that the iron legs which supported both bodyand head must surely be the most valuable part, since without them theStatue must fall. The first party advised that in all future reparationsgold only should be introduced; and the other parties, of course, recommended with equal zeal their own favourite metals. It isobservable, however, that if, under these circumstances, the iron racechanced to fail in carrying their point, they invariably voted for goldin preference to silver. But the most contradictory opinions, perhaps, were those which were occasioned by the instruments with which theStatue was armed and supported. Some affected to be so frightened by themere sight of the brandished sword, although it never moved, that theypretended it was dangerous to live even under the same sky withit; while others, treating very lightly the terrors of this warlikeinstrument, would observe that much more was really to be apprehendedfrom the remarkable strength and thickness of the calm andpeace-inspiring crosier; and that as long as the Government wassupported by this huge pastoral staff nothing could prevail against it;that it could dare all things, and even stand without the help of itslegs. All these various opinions at least proved that, although thepresent might not be the most miraculous Statue that could possibly becreated, it was nevertheless quite impossible ever to form one whichwould please all parties. 

The care of this wonderful Statue was entrusted to twelve 'Managers, 'whose duty it was to wind-up and regulate its complicated machinery, and who answered for its good management by their heads. It was theirbusiness to consult the oracle upon all occasions, and by its decisionsto administer and regulate all the affairs of the State. They alone werepermitted to hear its voice; for the Statue never spoke in public saveon rare occasions, and its sentences were then really so extremelycommonplace that, had it not been for the deep wisdom of its generalconduct, the Vraibleusians would have been almost tempted to believethat they really might exist without the services of the capital member. The twelve Managers surrounded the Statue at a respectful distance;their posts were the most distinguished in the State; and indeedthe duties attached to them were so numerous, so difficult, and soresponsible, that it required no ordinary abilities to fulfil, anddemanded no ordinary courage to aspire to, them. 

The Fantaisian Ambassador, having been presented, took his place on theright hand of the Statue, next to the Aboriginal Inhabitant, and publicbusiness then commenced. 

There came forward a messenger, who, knocking his nose three times withgreat reverence on the floor, a knock for each metal of the figure, thusspoke:

'O thou wisest and best! thou richest and mightiest! thou glory andadmiration! then defence and consternation! Lo! the King of the North iscutting all his subjects' heads off!'

This announcement produced a great sensation. The Marquess Moustachetook snuff; the Private Secretary said he had long suspected that thiswould be the case; and the Aboriginal Inhabitant remarked to Popanillathat the corn in the North was of an exceedingly coarse grain. Whilethey were making these observations the twelve Managers had assembledin deep consultation around the Statue, and in a very few minutes theOracle was prepared. The answer was very simple, but the exordium wassublime. It professed that the Vraibleusian nation was the saviour andchampion of the world; that it was the first principle of its policy tomaintain the cause of any people struggling for their rights as men; andit avowed itself to be the grand patron of civil and religious libertyin all quarters of the globe. Forty-seven battalions of infantry andeighteen regiments of cavalry, twenty-four sail of the line, seventytransports, and fifteen bombketches, were then ordered to leaveVraibleusia for the North in less than sixty minutes!

'What energy!' said Popanilla; 'what decision! what rapidity ofexecution!'

'Ay!' said the Aboriginal, smacking his thigh; 'let them say whatthey like about their proportions, and mixtures, and metals--abstractnonsense! No one can deny that our Government works well. But see! herecomes another messenger!'

'O thou wisest and best! thou richest and mightiest! thou glory andadmiration! thou defence and consternation! Lo! the people of the Southhave cut their king's head off!'

'Well! I suppose that is exactly what you all want, ' said the innocentPopanilla. 

The Private Secretary looked mysterious, and said that he was notprepared to answer; that his department never having been connectedwith this species of business he was unable at the moment to give hisExcellency the requisite information. At the same time, he begged tostate that, provided anything he said should not commit him, he hadno objection to answer the question hypothetically. The AboriginalInhabitant said that he would have no hypotheses or Jacobins; that hedid not approve of cutting off kings' heads; and that the Vraibleusianswere the most monarchical people in the world. So saying, he walkedup, without any ceremony, to the chief Manager, and taking him by thebutton, conversed with him some time in an earnest manner, which madethe stocks fall two per cent. 

The Statue ordered three divisions of the grand army and abattering-train of the first grade off to the South without the lossof a second. A palace and establishment were immediately directed tobe prepared for the family of the murdered monarch, and thecommander-in-chief was instructed to make every exertion to bring homethe body of his Majesty embalmed. Such an immense issue of pink shellswas occasioned by this last expedition that stocks not only recoveredthemselves, but rose considerably. 

The excitement occasioned by this last announcement evaporated at thesight of a third messenger. He informed the Statue that the Emperor ofthe East was unfortunately unable to pay the interest upon his nationaldebt; that his treasury was quite empty and his resources utterlyexhausted. He requested the assistance of the most wealthy and the mostgenerous of nations; and he offered them as security for their advanceshis gold and silver mines, which, for the breadth of their veins andthe richness of their ores, he said, were unequalled. He added, thatthe only reason they were unworked was the exquisite flavour of thewater-melons in his empire, which was so delicious that his subjects ofall classes, passing their whole day in devouring them, could be inducedneither by force nor persuasion to do anything else. The cause was soreasonable, and the security so satisfactory, that the VraibleusianGovernment felt themselves authorised in shipping off immediately allthe gold in the island. Pink shells abounded, and stocks were stillhigher. 

'You have no mines in Vraibleusia, I believe?' said Popanilla to theAboriginal. 

'No! but we have taxes. '

'Very true!' said Popanilla. 

'I understand that a messenger has just arrived from the West, ' said theSecretary to the Fantaisian Plenipotentiary. 'He must bring interestingintelligence from such interesting countries. Next to ourselves, theyare evidently the most happy, the most wealthy, the most enlightened, and the most powerful Governments in the world. Although founded onlylast week, they already rank in the first class of nations. I will sendyou a little pamphlet to-morrow, which I have just published uponthis subject, in which you will see that I have combated, I trust notunsuccessfully, the ridiculous opinions of those cautious statesmenwho insinuate that the stability of these Governments is even yetquestionable. '

The messenger from the Republics of the West now prostrated himselfbefore the Statue. He informed it that two parties had, unfortunately, broken out in these countries, and threatened their speedy dissolution;that one party maintained that all human government originated in thewants of man; while the other party asserted that it originated inthe desires of man. That these factions had become so violent and souniversal that public business was altogether stopped, trade quiteextinct, and the instalments due to Vraibleusia not forthcoming. Finally, he entreated the wisest and the best of nations to sendto these distracted lands some discreet and trusty personages, wellinstructed in the first principles of government, in order that theymight draw up constitutions for the ignorant and irritated multitude. 

The Private Secretary told Popanilla that this was no more than he hadlong expected; that all this would subside, and that he should publish apostscript to his pamphlet in a few days, which he begged to dedicate tohim. 

A whole corps diplomatique and another shipful of abstract philosophers, principally Scotchmen, were immediately ordered off to the West; andshortly after, to render their first principles still more effective andtheir administrative arrangements still more influential, some brigadesof infantry and a detachment of the guards followed. Free constitutionsare apt to be misunderstood until half of the nation are bayoneted andthe rest imprisoned. 

As this mighty Vraibleusian nation had, within the last half-hour, received intelligence from all quarters of the globe, and interferedin all possible affairs, civil and military, abstract, administrative, diplomatic, and financial, Popanilla supposed that the assembly wouldnow break up. Some petty business, however, remained. War wasdeclared against the King of Sneezeland, for presuming to buypocket-handkerchiefs of another nation; and the Emperor of Pastilles wasthreatened with a bombardment for daring to sell his peppers to anotherpeople. There were also some dozen commercial treaties to be signed, orcanvassed, or cancelled; and a report having got about that there wasa rumour that some disturbance had broken out in some parts unknown, aflying expedition was despatched, with sealed orders, to circumnavigatethe globe and arrange affairs. By this time Popanilla thoroughlyunderstood the meaning of the mysterious inscription. 

Just as the assembly was about to be dissolved another messenger, who, in his agitation, even forgot the accustomed etiquette of salutation, rushed into the presence. 

'O most mighty! Sir Bombastes Furioso, who commanded our lastexpedition, having sailed, in the hurry, with wrong orders, has attackedour ancient ally by mistake, and utterly destroyed him!'

Here was a pretty business for the Best and Wisest! At first theManagers behaved in a manner the most undiplomatic, and quite lost theirtemper; they raved, they stormed, they contradicted each other, theycontradicted themselves, and swore that Sir Bombastes' head shouldanswer for it. Then they subsided into sulkiness, and at length, beginning to suspect that the fault might ultimately attach only tothemselves, they got frightened, and held frequent consultations withpale visages and quivering lips. After some time they thought they coulddo nothing wiser than put a good face upon the affair; whatever might bethe result, it was, at any rate, a victory, and a victory would pleasethe vainest of nations: and so these blundering and blustering gentlemendetermined to adopt the conqueror, whom they were at first weak enoughto disclaim, then vile enough to bully, and finally forced to reward. The Statue accordingly whispered a most elaborate panegyric on Furioso, which was of course duly delivered. The Admiral, who was neithera coward nor a fool, was made ridiculous by being described as thegreatest commander that ever existed; one whom Nature, in a graciousfreak, had made to shame us little men; a happy compound of the pietyof Noah, the patriotism of Themistocles, the skill of Columbus, andthe courage of Nelson; and his exploit styled the most glorious andunrivalled victory that was ever achieved, even by the Vraibleusians!Honours were decreed in profusion, a general illumination ordered forthe next twenty nights, and an expedition immediately despatched toattack the right man. 

All this time the conquerors were in waiting in an anteroom, in greattrepidation, and fully prepared to be cashiered or cut in quarters. Theywere rather surprised when, bowing to the ground, they were saluted bysome half-dozen lords-in-waiting as the heroes of the age, congratulatedupon their famous achievements, and humbly requested to appear in thePresence. 

The warriors accordingly walked up in procession to the Statue, who, opening its mighty mouth, vomited forth a flood of ribbons, stars, andcrosses, which were divided among the valiant band. This oral dischargethe Vraibleusians called the 'fountain of honour. '

Scarcely had the mighty Furioso and his crew disappeared than a bodyof individuals arrived at the top of the hall, and, placing themselvesopposite the Managers, began rating them for their inefficientadministration of the island, and expatiated on the inconsistency oftheir late conduct to the conquering Bombastes. The Managers defendedthemselves in a manner perfectly in character with their recentbehaviour; but their opponents were not easily satisfied with theirconfused explanations and their explained confusions, and the speecheson both sides grew warmer. At length the opposition proceeded to expelthe administration from their places by force, and an eager scufflebetween the two parties now commenced. The general body of spectatorscontinued only to observe, and did not participate in the fray. Atfirst, this melee only excited amusement; but as it lengthened somewisely observed that public business greatly suffered by these privatesquabbles; and some even ventured to imagine that the safety of theStatue might be implicated by their continuance. But this last fear wasfutile. 

Popanilla asked the Private Secretary which party he thought wouldultimately succeed. The Private Secretary said that, if the presentManagers retained their places, he thought that they would not go out;but if, on the other hand, they were expelled by the present opposition, it was probable that the present opposition would become Managers. TheAboriginal thought both parties equally incompetent; and told Popanillasome long stories about a person who was chief Manager in his youth, about five hundred years ago, to whom he said he was indebted for allhis political principles, which did not surprise Popanilla. 

At this moment a noise was heard throughout the hall which made hisExcellency believe that something untoward had again happened, and thatanother conqueror by mistake had again arrived. A most wonderful beinggalloped up to the top of the apartment. It was half man and half horse. The Secretary told Popanilla that this was the famous Centaur Chiron;that his Horseship, having wearied of his ardent locality in theconstellations, had descended some years back to the island ofVraibleusia; that he had commanded the armies of the nation in allthe great wars, and had gained every battle in which he had ever beenengaged. Chiron was no less skilful, he said, in civil than inmilitary affairs; but the Vraibleusians, being very jealous of allowingthemselves to be governed by their warriors, the Centaur had latelybeen out of employ. While the Secretary was giving him this informationPopanilla perceived that the great Chiron was attacking the combatantson both sides. The tutor of Achilles, Hercules, and Aeneas, of course, soon succeeded in kicking them all out, and constituted himself chiefand sole Manager of the Statue. Some grumbled at this autocratic conduct'upon principle, ' but they were chiefly connections of the expelled. The great majority, wearied with public squabbles occasioned by privateends, rejoiced to see the public interest entrusted to an individual whohad a reputation to lose. Intelligence of the appointment of the Centaurwas speedily diffused throughout the island, and produced great andgeneral satisfaction. There were a few, indeed, impartial personages, who had no great taste for Centaurs in civil capacities, from anapprehension that, if he could not succeed in persuading them by hiseloquence, his Grace might chance to use his heels. 

CHAPTER 11

On the evening of his presentation day his Excellency the FantaisianAmbassador and suite honoured the national theatre with their presence. Such a house was never known! The pit was miraculously over-flown beforethe doors were opened, although the proprietor did not permit a singleprivate entrance. The enthusiasm was universal, and only twelve personswere killed. The Private Secretary told Popanilla, with an air of greatcomplacency, that the Vraibleusian theatres were the largest in theworld. Popanilla had little doubt of the truth of this information, asa long time elapsed before he could even discover the stage. He observedthat every person in the theatre carried a long black glass, which hekept perpetually fixed to his eye. To sit in a huge room hotter than aglass-house, in a posture emulating the most sanctified Faquir, witha throbbing head-ache, a breaking back, and twisted legs, with a heavytube held over one eye, and the other covered with the unemployed hand, is in Vraibleusia called a public amusement. 

The play was by the most famous dramatist that Vraibleusia everproduced; and certainly, when his Excellency witnessed the first scenes, it was easier to imagine that he was once more in his own sunset Isle ofFantaisie than in the railroad state of Vraibleusia: but, unfortunately, this evening the principal characters and scenes were omitted, to makeroom for a moving panorama, which lasted some hours, of the chief andmost recent Vraibleusian victories. The audience fought their battleso'er again with great fervour. During the play one of the inferioractors was supposed to have saluted a female chorus-singer with anardour which was more than theatrical, and every lady in the houseimmediately fainted; because, as the eternal Secretary told Popanilla, the Vraibleusians are the most modest and most moral nation in theworld. The male part of the audience insisted, in indignant terms, that the offending performer should immediately be dismissed. In a fewminutes he appeared upon the stage to make a most humble apology foran offence which he was not conscious of having committed; but the mostmoral and the most modest of nations was implacable, and the wretch wasexpelled. Having a large family dependent upon his exertions, the actor, according to a custom prevalent in Vraibleusia, went immediately anddrowned himself in the nearest river. Then the ballet commenced. 

It was soon discovered that the chief dancer, a celebrated foreigner, who had been announced for this evening, was absent. The uproar wastremendous, and it was whispered that the house would be pulled down;because, as Popanilla was informed, the Vraibleusians are the mostparticular and the freest people in the world, and never will permitthemselves to be treated with disrespect. The principal chandelierhaving been destroyed, the manager appeared, and regretted that SignorZephyrino, being engaged to dine with a Grandee of the first class, was unable to fulfil his engagement. The house became frantic, and theterrified manager sent immediately for the Signor. The artist, aftera proper time had elapsed, appeared with a napkin round his neck and afork in his hand, with which he stood some moments, until the uproar hadsubsided, picking his teeth. At length, when silence was obtained, he told them that he was surprised that the most polished and liberalnation in the world should behave themselves in such a brutal andnarrow-minded manner. He threatened them that he would throw up hisengagement immediately, and announce to all foreign parts that they werea horde of barbarians; then, abusing them for a few seconds in roundterms, be retired, amidst the cheerings of the whole house, to finishhis wine. 

When the performances were finished the audience rose and joined inchorus. On Popanilla inquiring the name and nature of this effusion, hewas told that it was the national air of the Isle of Fantaisie, sung incompliment to himself. His Excellency shrugged his shoulders and bowedlow. 

The next morning, attended by his suite, Popanilla visited the mostconsiderable public offices and manufactories in Hubbabub. He wasreceived in all places with the greatest distinction. He was invariablywelcomed either by the chiefs of the department or the proprietorsthemselves, and a sumptuous collation was prepared for him in everyplace. His Excellency evinced the liveliest interest in everythingthat was pointed out to him, and instantaneously perceived that theVraibleusians exceeded the rest of the world in manufactures and publicworks as much as they did in arms, morals, modesty, philosophy, andpolitics. The Private Secretary being absent upon his postscript, Popanilla received the most satisfactory information upon all subjectsfrom the Marquess himself. Whenever he addressed any question to hisLordship, his noble attendant, with the greatest politeness, begged himto take some refreshment. Popanilla returned to his hotel with a greatadmiration of the manner in which refined philosophy in Vraibleusiawas applied to the common purposes of life; and found that he had thatmorning acquired a general knowledge of the chief arts and sciences, eaten some hundred sandwiches, and tasted as many bottles of sherry. 

CHAPTER 12

The most commercial nation in the world was now busily preparing todiffuse the blessings of civilisation and competition throughout thenative country of their newly-acquired friend. The greatest exportersthat ever existed had never been acquainted with such a subject forexportation as the Isle of Fantaisie. There everything was wanted. Itwas not a partial demand which was to be satisfied, nor a particulardeficiency which was to be supplied; but a vast population wasthoroughly to be furnished with every article which a vast populationmust require. From the manufacturer of steam-engines to the manufacturerof stockings, all were alike employed. There was no branch of tradein Vraibleusia which did not equally rejoice at this new opening forcommercial enterprise, and which was not equally interested in this newtheatre for Vraibleusian industry, Vraibleusian invention, Vraibleusianactivity, and, above all, Vraibleusian competition. 

Day and night the whole island was employed in preparing for the greatfleet and in huzzaing Popanilla. When at borne, every ten minutes he wasobliged to appear in the balcony, and then, with hand on heart and hatin hand, ah! that bow! that perpetual motion of popularity! If a manlove ease, let him be most unpopular. The Managers did the impossible toassist and advance the intercourse between the two nations. They behavedin a liberal and enlightened manner, and a deputation of liberal andenlightened merchants consequently waited upon them with a vote ofthanks. They issued so many pink shells that the price of the publicfunds was doubled, and affairs arranged so skilfully that money wasuniversally declared to be worth nothing, so that every one in theisland, from the Premier down to the Mendicant whom the lecture-lovingSkindeep threatened with the bastinado, was enabled to participate, insome degree, in the approaching venture, if we should use so dubious aterm in speaking of profits so certain. 

Compared with the Fantaisian connection, the whole commerce of the worldappeared to the Vraibleusians a retail business. All other customerswere neglected or discarded, and each individual seemed to concentratehis resources to supply the wants of a country where they dance bymoonlight, live on fruit, and sleep on flowers. At length thefirst fleet of five hundred sail, laden with wonderful specimensof Vraibleusian mechanism, and innumerable bales of Vraibleusianmanufactures; articles raw and refined, goods dry and damp, wholesaleand retail; silks and woollen cloths; cottons, cutlery, and camlets;flannels and ladies' albums; under waistcoats, kid gloves, engravings, coats, cloaks, and ottomans; lamps and looking-glasses; sofas, round tables, equipages, and scent-bottles; fans and tissue-flowers;porcelain, poetry, novels, newspapers, and cookery books; bear's-grease, blue pills, and bijouterie; arms, beards, poodles, pages, mustachios, court-guides, and bon-bons; music, pictures, ladies' maids, scrapbooks, buckles, boxing-gloves, guitars, and snuff-boxes; together with acompany of opera-singers, a band of comedians, a popular preacher, some quacks, lecturers, artists, and literary gentlemen, principallysketch-book men, quitted, one day, with a favourable wind, and amid theexultation of the inhabitants, the port of Hubbabub!

When his Excellency Prince Popanilla heard of the contents of thisstupendous cargo, notwithstanding his implicit confidence in thesuperior genius and useful knowledge of the Vraibleusians, he couldnot refrain from expressing a doubt whether, in the present undevelopedstate of his native land, any returns could be made proportionate toso curious and elaborate an importation; but whenever he ventured tointimate his opinion to any of the most commercial nation in the worldhe was only listened to with an incredulous smile which seemed to pityhis inexperience, or told, with an air of profound self-complacency, that in Fantaisie 'there must be great resources. '

In the meantime, public companies were formed for working the mines, colonizing the waste lands, and cutting the coral rocks of the IndianIsle, of all which associations Popanilla was chosen Director byacclamation. These, however, it must be confessed, were speculations ofa somewhat doubtful nature; but the Branch Bank Society of the Isle ofFantaisie really held out flattering prospects. 

When the fleet had sailed they gave Popanilla a public dinner. It wasattended by all the principal men in the island, and he made a speech, which was received in a rather different manner than was his sunsetoration by the monarch whom he now represented. Faintaisie and itsaccomplished Envoy were at the same time the highest and the universalfashion. The ladies sang la Syrene, dressed their hair la Mermede, and themselves la Fantastique; which, by-the-bye, was not new; and thegentlemen wore boa-constrictor cravats and waltzed la mer Indienne--atitle probably suggested by a remembrance of the dangers of the sea. 

It was soon discovered that, without taking into consideration theaverage annual advantages which would necessarily spring from their newconnection, the profits which must accrue upon the present expeditionalone had already doubled the capital of the island. Everybody inVraibleusia had either made a fortune, or laid the foundation of one. The penniless had become prosperous, and the principal merchants andmanufacturers, having realised large capitals, retired from business. But the colossal fortunes were made by the gentlemen who had assistedthe administration in raising the price of the public funds and inmanaging the issues of the pink shells. The effect of this immenseincrease of the national wealth and of this creation of new and powerfulclasses of society was speedily felt. Great moves to the westwardwere perpetual, and a variety of sumptuous squares and streets wereimmediately run up in that chosen land. Butlers were at a premium;coach-makers never slept; card-engravers, having exhausted copper, hadrecourse to steel; and the demand for arms at the Heralds' College wasso great that even the mystical genius of Garter was exhausted, andhostile meetings were commenced between the junior members ofsome ancient families, to whom the same crest had been unwittinglyapportioned; but, the seconds interfering, they discovered themselvesto be relations. All the eldest sons were immediately to get intoParliament, and all the younger ones as quickly into the Guards; andthe simple Fantaisian Envoy, who had the peculiar felicity of takingeverything au pied du lettre, made a calculation that, if thesearrangements were duly effected, in a short time the Vraibleusianrepresentatives would exceed the Vraibleusian represented; and thatthere would be at least three officers in the Vraibleusian guardsto every private. Judging from the beards and mustachios which nowabounded, this great result was near at hand. With the snub nose whichis the characteristic of the millionaires, these appendages produce apleasing effect. 

When the excitement had a little subsided; when their mighty mansionswere magnificently furnished; when their bright equipages were fairlylaunched, and the due complement of their liveried retainers perfected;when, in short, they had imitated the aristocracy in every point inwhich wealth could rival blood: then the new people discovered withdismay that one thing was yet wanting, which treasure could notpurchase, and which the wit of others could not supply--Manner. Inhomely phrase, the millionaires did not know how to behave themselves. Accustomed to the counting-house, the factory, or the exchange, theylooked queer in saloons, and said 'Sir!' when they addressed you; andseemed stiff, and hard, and hot. Then the solecisms they committed inmore formal society, oh! they were outrageous; and a leading articlein an eminent journal was actually written upon the subject. I dare notwrite the deeds they did; but it was whispered that when they drank winethey filled their glasses to the very brim. All this delighted theold class, who were as envious of their riches as the new people wereemulous of their style. 

In any other country except Vraibleusia persons so situated would haveconsoled themselves for their disagreeable position by a consciousnessthat their posterity would not be annoyed by the same deficiencies;but the wonderful Vraibleusian people resembled no other, even in theirfailings. They determined to acquire in a day that which had hithertobeen deemed the gradual consequence of tedious education. 

A 'Society for the Diffusion of Fashionable Knowledge' was announced;the Millionaires looked triumphantly mysterious, the aristocratsquizzed. The object of the society is intimated by its title; and themethod by which its institutors proposed to attain this object was theperiodical publication of pamphlets, under the superintendence ofa competent committee. The first treatise appeared: its subject wasNONCHALANCE. It instructed its students ever to appear inattentive inthe society of men, and heartless when they conversed with women. Ittaught them not to understand a man if he were witty; to misunderstandhim if he were eloquent; to yawn or stare if he chanced to elevatehis voice, or presumed to ruffle the placidity of the social calm byaddressing his fellow-creatures with teeth unparted. Excellence wasnever to be recognised, but only disparaged with a look: an opinion ora sentiment, and the nonchalant was lost for ever. For these, he wasto substitute a smile like a damp sunbeam, a moderate curl of the upperlip, and the all-speaking and perpetual shrug of the shoulders. By askilful management of these qualities it was shown to be easy to ruinanother's reputation and ensure your own without ever opening yourmouth. To woman, this exquisite treatise said much in few words:'Listlessness, listlessness, listlessness, ' was the edict by which themost beautiful works of nature were to be regulated, who are only trulycharming when they make us feel and feel themselves. 'Listlessness, listlessness, listlessness;' for when you choose not to be listless, thecontrast is so striking that the triumph must be complete. 

The treatise said much more, which I shall omit. It forgot, however, toremark that this vaunted nonchalance may be the offspring of the mostcontemptible and the most odious of passions: and that while it may beexceedingly refined to appear uninterested when others are interested, to witness excellence without emotion, and to listen to genius withoutanimation, the heart of the Insensible may as often be inflamed by Envyas inspired by Fashion. 

Dissertations 'On leaving cards, ' 'On cutting intimate friends, ' 'Oncravats, ' 'On dinner courses, ' 'On poor relations. ' 'On bores, ' 'Onlions, ' were announced as speedily to appear. In the meantime, the Essayon Nonchalance produced the best effects. A ci-devant stockbroker cuta Duke dead at his club the day after its publication; and his daughteryawned while his Grace's eldest son, the Marquess, made her an offeras she was singing 'Di tanti palpiti. ' The aristocrats got a littlefrightened, and when an eminent hop-merchant and his lady had asked adozen Countesses to dinner, and forgot to be at home to receive them, the old class left off quizzing. 

The pamphlets, however, continued issuing forth, and the new peopleadvanced at a rate which was awful. They actually began to originatesome ideas of their own, and there was a whisper among the leaders ofvoting the aristocrats old-fashioned. The Diffusion Society now causedthese exalted personages great anxiety and uneasiness. They argued thatFashion was a relative quality; that it was quite impossible, and not tobe expected, that all people were to aspire to be fashionable; that itwas not in the nature of things, and that, if it were, society couldnot exist; that the more their imitators advanced the more they shouldbaffle their imitations; that a first and fashion able class was anecessary consequence of the organisation of man; and that a lineof demarcation would for ever be drawn between them and the otherislanders. The warmth and eagerness with which they maintained andpromulgated their opinions might have tempted, however, an impartialperson to suspect that they secretly entertained some doubts of theirtruth and soundness. 

On the other hand, the other party maintained that Fashion was apositive quality; that the moment a person obtained a certain degree ofrefinement he or she became, in fact and essentially, fashionable;that the views of the old class were unphilosophical and illiberal, andunworthy of an enlightened age; that men were equal, and that everythingis open to everybody; and that when we take into consideration thenature of man, the origin of society, and a few other things, and dulyconsider the constant inclination and progression towards perfectionwhich mankind evince, there was no reason why, in the course of time, the whole nation should not go to Almack's on the same night. 

At this moment of doubt and dispute the Government of Vraibleusia, withthat spirit of conciliation and liberality and that perfect wisdom forwhich it had been long celebrated, caring very little for the old class, whose interest, it well knew, was to support it, and being exceedinglydesirous of engaging the affections of the new race, declared in theirfavour; and acting upon that sublime scale of measures for which thisgreat nation has always been so famous, the Statue issued an edict thata new literature should be invented, in order at once to complete theeducation of the Millionaires and the triumph of the Romantic over theClassic School of Manners. 

The most eminent writers were, as usual, in the pay of the Government, and BURLINGTON, A TALE OF FASHIONABLE LIFE in three volumes post octavo, was sent forth. Two or three similar works, bearing titles equallyeuphonious and aristocratic, were published daily; and so exquisite wasthe style of these productions, so naturally artificial the constructionof their plots, and so admirably inventive the conception of theircharacters, that many who had been repulsed by the somewhat abstractmatter and arid style of the treatises, seduced by the interest of astory, and by the dazzling delicacies of a charming style, really nowpicked up a considerable quantity of very useful knowledge; so that whenthe delighted students had eaten some fifty or sixty imaginary dinnersin my lord's dining-room, and whirled some fifty or sixty imaginarywaltzes in my lady's dancing-room, there was scarcely a brute left amongthe whole Millionaires. But what produced the most beneficial effects onthe new people, and excited the greatest indignation and despair amongthe old class, were some volumes which the Government, with shockingMachiavelism, bribed some needy scions of nobility to scribble, andwhich revealed certain secrets vainly believed to be quite sacred andinviolable. 

CHAPTER 13

Shortly after the sailing of the great fleet the Private Secretaryengaged in a speculation which was rather more successful than anyone contained in his pamphlet on 'The Present State of the WesternRepublics. '

One morning, as he and Popanilla were walking on a quay, anddeliberating on the clauses of the projected commercial treaty betweenVraibleusia and Fantaisie, the Secretary suddenly stopped, as if he hadseen his father's ghost or lost the thread of his argument, and askedPopanilla, with an air of suppressed agitation, whether he observedanything in the distance. Popanilla, who, like all savages, waslong-sighted, applying to his eye the glass which, in conformity to thecustom of the country, he always wore round his neck, confessed that hesaw nothing. The Secretary, who had never unfixed his glass nor moveda step since he asked the question, at length, by pointing with hisfinger, attracted Popanilla's attention to what his Excellency conceivedto be a porpoise bobbing up and down in the waves. The Secretary, however, was not of the same opinion as the Ambassador. He was not verycommunicative, indeed, as to his own opinion upon this grave subject, but he talked of making farther observations when the tide went down;and was so listless, abstracted, and absent, during the rest of theirconversation, that it soon ceased, and they speedily parted. 

The next day, when Popanilla read the morning papers, a feat which heregularly performed, for spelling the newspaper was quite delicious toone who had so recently learned to read, he found that they spoke ofnothing but of the discovery of a new island, information of which hadbeen received by the Government only the preceding night. The FantaisianAmbassador turned quite pale, and for the first time in his lifeexperienced the passion of jealousy, the green-eyed monster, so calledfrom only being experienced by green-horns. Already the prominent statehe represented seemed to retire to the background. He did not doubtthat the Vraibleusians were the most capricious as well as the mostcommercial nation in the world. His reign was evidently over. The newisland would send forth a Prince still more popular. His allowanceof pink shells would be gradually reduced, and finally withdrawn. Hisdoubts, also, as to the success of the recent expedition to Fantaisiebegan to revive. His rising reminiscences of his native land, which, with the joint assistance of popularity and philosophy, he had hithertosucceeded in stifling, were indeed awkward. He could not conceive hismistress with a page and a poodle. He feared much that the cargo was notwell assorted. Popanilla determined to inquire after his canoe. 

His courage, however, was greatly reassured when, on reading the secondedition, he learned that the new island was not of considerable size, though most eligibly situate; and, moreover, that it was perfectly voidof inhabitants. When the third edition was published he found, tohis surprise, that the Private Secretary was the discoverer of thisopposition island. This puzzled the Plenipotentiary greatly. He readon; he found that this acquisition, upon which all Vraibleusia wascongratulated in such glowing terms by all its journals, actuallyproduced nothing. His Excellency began to breathe; another paragraph, and he found that the rival island was, a rock! He remembered theporpoise of yesterday. The island certainly could not be very large, even at low water. Popanilla once more felt like a Prince: he defied allthe discoverers that could ever exist. He thought of the great resourcesof the great country he represented with proud satisfaction. He waitedwith easy, confidence the return of the fleet which had carried out themost judicious assortment with which he had ever been acquainted tothe readiest market of which he had any knowledge. He had no doubt hismistress would look most charmingly in a barege. Popanilla determined topresent his canoe to the National Museum. 

Although his Excellency had been in the highest state of astonishmentdaring his whole mission to Vraibleusia, it must be confessed, now thathe understood his companion's question of yesterday, he particularlystared. His wonder was not decreased in the evening, when the'Government Gazette' appeared. It contained an order for the immediatefortification of the new island by the most skilful engineers, withoutestimates. A strong garrison was instantly embarked. A Governor, and aDeputy-Governor, and Storekeepers, more plentiful than stores, were toaccompany them. The Private Secretary went out as President of Council. A Bishop was promised; and a complete Court of Judicature, Chancery, King's Bench, Common Pleas, and Exchequer, were to be off the nextweek. It is only due to the characters of courtiers, who are so oftenreproached with ingratitude to their patrons, to record that the PrivateSecretary, in the most delicate manner, placed at the disposal of hisformer employer, the Marquess Moustache, the important office of Agentfor the Indemnity Claims of the original Inhabitants of the Island;the post being a sinecure, the income being considerable, and localattendance being unnecessary, the noble Lord, in a manner equallydelicate, appointed himself. 

'Upon what system, ' one day inquired that unwearied political student, the Fantaisian Ambassador, of his old friend Skindeep, 'does yourGovernment surround a small rock in the middle of the sea withfortifications, and cram it full of clerks, soldiers, lawyers, andpriests?'

'Why, really, your Excellency, I am the last man in the world to answerquestions; but I believe we call it THE COLONIAL SYSTEM!'

Before the President, and Governor, and Deputy-Governor, andStorekeepers had embarked, the Vraibleusian journals, who thoughtthat the public had been satiated with congratulations on the ColonialSystem, detected that the present colony was a job. Their reasoning wasso convincing, and their denunciations so impressive, that the Managersgot frightened, and cut off one of the Deputy-Storekeepers. ThePresident of Council now got more frightened than the Managers. He wasone of those men who think that the world can be saved by writing apamphlet. A pamphlet accordingly appeared upon the subject of the newcolony. The writer showed that the debateable land was the most valuableacquisition ever attained by a nation famous for their acquisitions;that there was a spring of water in the middle of the rock of aremarkable freshness, and which was never dry except during the summerand the earlier winter months; that all our outward-bound ships wouldexperience infinite benefit from this fresh water; that the scurvy wouldtherefore disappear from the service; and that the naval victorieswhich the Vraibleusians would gain in future wars would consequently beoccasioned by the present colony. No one could mistake the felicitousreasoning of the author of 'The Present State of the Western Republics!'

About this time Popanilla fell ill. He lost his appetite and hisspirits, and his digestion was sadly disordered. His friends endeavouredto console him by telling him that dyspepsia was the national diseaseof Vraibleusia; that its connection with civil and religious libertywas indissoluble; that every man, woman, and child above fifteen in theisland was a martyr to it; that it was occasioned by their rapid mode ofdespatching their meals, which again was occasioned by the little timewhich the most active nation in the world could afford to bestow uponsuch a losing business as eating. 

All this was no consolation to a man who had lost his appetite; and soPopanilla sent for a gentleman who, he was told, was the most eminentphysician in the island. The most eminent physician, when he arrived, would not listen to a single syllable that his patient wished to addressto him. He told Popanilla that his disorder was 'decidedly liver;' thatit was occasioned by his eating his meat before his bread instead ofafter it, and drinking at the end of the first course instead of thebeginning of the second; that he had only to correct these ruinoushabits, and that he would then regain his tone. 

Popanilla observed the instructions of the eminent physician to the veryletter. He invariably eat his bread before his meat, and watched theplacing of the first dish of the second course upon the table ere heventured to refresh himself with any liquid. At the end of a week he wasinfinitely worse. 

He now called in a gentleman who was recommended to him as the mostcelebrated practitioner in all Vraibleusia. The most celebratedpractitioner listened with great attention to every particular thathis patient had to state, but never condescended to open his own mouth. Popanilla was delighted, and revenged himself for the irritabilityof the eminent physician. After two more visits, the most celebratedpractitioner told Popanilla that his disorder was 'unquestionablynervous;' that he had over-excited himself by talking too much; that infuture he must count five between each word he uttered, never ask anyquestions, and avoid society; that is, never stay at an evening party onany consideration later than twenty-two minutes past two, and never beinduced by any persuasion to dine out more than once on the same day. The most celebrated practitioner added that he had only to observe theseregulations, and that he would speedily recover his energy. 

Popanilla never asked a question for a whole week, and Skindeep neverknew him more delightful. He not only counted five, but ten, betweenevery word he uttered; and determining that his cure should not bedelayed, whenever he had nobody to speak to he continued counting. In afew days this solitary computation brought on a slow fever. 

He now determined to have a consultation between the most eminentphysician and the most celebrated practitioner. It was delightful towitness the meeting of these great men. Not a shade of jealousy dimmedthe sunshine of their countenances. After a consultation, they agreedthat Popanilla's disorder was neither 'liver, ' nor 'nervous, ' but'mind:' that he had done too much; that he had overworked his brain;that he must take more exercise; that he must breathe more air; that hemust have relaxation; that he must have a change of scene. 

'Where shall I go?' was the first question which Popanilla had sentforth for a fortnight, and it was addressed to Skindeep. 

'Really, your Excellency, I am the last man in the world to answerquestions; but the place which is generally frequented by us when we aresuffering from your complaint is Blunderland. '

'Well, then, to Blunderland let us go!'

Shortly before Popanilla's illness he had been elected a member of theVraibleusian Horticultural Society, and one evening he had endeavouredto amuse himself by reading the following CHAPTER ON FRUIT. 

CHAPTER 14

That a taste for fruit is inherent in man is an opinion which issanctioned by the conduct of man in all ages and in all countries. Whilesome nations have considered it profanation or pollution to nourishthemselves with flesh or solace themselves with fish, while almost everymember of the animal creation has in turn been considered either sacredor unclean, mankind, in all climes and in all countries, the Hindoo andthe Hebrew, the Egyptian and the Greek, the Roman and the Frank, have, in some degree, made good their boastful claim to reason, by universallyfeeding upon those delightful productions of Nature which are nourishedwith the dews of heaven, and which live for ever in its breath. 

And, indeed, when we consider how exceedingly refreshing at all times isthe flavour of fruit; how very natural, and, in a manner, born in him, is man's inclination for it; how little it is calculated to pall uponhis senses; and how conducive, when not eaten to excess, it is to hishealth, as well as to his pleasure; we must not be surprised that aconviction of its excellence should have been one of those few subjectson which men have never disagreed. 

That some countries are more favoured in their fruit than others isa fact so notorious that its notice is unnecessary; but we are nottherefore to suppose that their appetite for it is more keen thanthe appetite of other nations for their fruit who live in less genialclimes. Indeed, if we were not led to believe that all nations areinspired by an equal love for this production, it might occasionallybe suspected that some of those nations who are least skilful ashorticulturists evince a greater passion for their inferior growthsthan more fortunate people for their choicer produce. The effects ofbad fruit, however, upon the constitution, and consequently upon thenational character, are so injurious that every liberal man must regretthat any people, either from ignorance or obligation, should be forcedto have recourse to anything so fatal, and must feel that it is theduty of everyone who professes to be a philanthropist to propagate andencourage a taste for good fruit throughout all countries of the globe. 

A vast number of centuries before Popanilla had the fortune to lose hismistress's lock of hair, and consequently to become an ambassadorto Vraibleusia, the inhabitants of that island, then scarcely morecivilised than their new allies of Fantaisie were at present, sufferedvery considerably from the trash which they devoured, from that innatetaste for fruit already noticed. In fact, although there are antiquarieswho pretend that the Vraibleusians possessed some of the species of wildplums and apples even at that early period, the majority of inquirersare disposed to believe that their desserts were solely confined to thewildest berries, horse-chestnuts, and acorns. 

A tradition runs, that while they were committing these abominationsa ship, one of the first ships that had ever touched at the island, arrived at the present port of Hubbabub, then a spacious and shiplessbay. The master of the vessel, on being brought before the King (forthe story I am recording happened long before the construction of themiraculous Statue), presented, with his right hand, to his Majesty, asmall pyramidal substance of a golden hue, which seemed to spring outof green and purple leaves. His Majesty did not exactly understandthe intention of this ceremony; but of course, like a true legitimate, construed it into a symbol of homage. No sooner had the King brought theunknown substance near to his eyes, with the intention of scrutinisingits nature, than the fragrance was so delightful that by mistake heapplied it to his mouth. The King, only took one mouthful, and then, with a cry of rapture, instantly handed the delicacy to his favourite, who, to the great mortification of the Secretary of State, finished it. The stranger, however, immediately supplied the surrounding courtiersfrom a basket which was slung on his left arm; and no sooner had theyall tasted his gift than they fell upon their knees to worship him, vowing that the distributor of such delight must be more than man. Ifthis avowal be considered absurd and extraordinary in this present ageof philosophy, we must not forget to make due allowance for thepalates of individuals who, having been so long accustomed merely tohorse-chestnuts and acorns, suddenly, for the first time in their lives, tasted Pine-apple. 

The stranger, with an air of great humility, disclaimed their profferedadoration, and told them that, far from being superior to commonmortals, he was, on the contrary, one of the lowliest of the human race;in fact, he did not wish to conceal it; in spite of his vessel andhis attendants, he was merely a market-gardener on a great scale. Thisbeautiful fruit he had recently discovered in the East, to which quarterof the world he annually travelled in order to obtain a sufficientquantity to supply the great Western hemisphere, of which he himselfwas a native. Accident had driven him, with one of his ships, into theIsland of Vraibleusia; and, as the islanders appeared to be pleased withhis cargo, he said that he should have great pleasure in supplying themat present and receiving their orders for the future. 

The proposition was greeted with enthusiasm, The King immediatelyentered into a contract with the market-gardener on his own terms. The sale, or cultivation, or even the eating of all other fruits wasdeclared high-treason, and pine-apple, for weighty reasons duly recitedin the royal proclamation, announced as the established fruit of therealm. The cargo, under the superintendence of some of the most trustyof the crew, was unshipped for the immediate supply of the island; andthe merchant and his customers parted, mutually delighted and mutuallyprofited. 

Time flew on. The civilisation of Vraibleusia was progressive, ascivilisation always is; and the taste for pine-apples ever on theincrease, as the taste for pine-apples ever should be. The supply wasregular and excellent, the prices reasonable, and the tradesmen civil. They, of course, had not failed to advance in fair proportion with thenational prosperity. Their numbers had much increased as well as theircustomers. Fresh agents arrived with every fresh cargo. They had longquitted the stalls with which they had been contented on their firstsettlement in the island, and now were the dapper owners of neat depotsin all parts of the kingdom where depots could find customers. 

A few more centuries, and affairs began to change. All that Ihave related as matter of fact, and which certainly is not betterauthenticated than many other things that happened two or three thousandyears ago, which, however, the most sceptical will not presume tomaintain did not take place, was treated as the most idle and ridiculousfable by the dealers in pine-apples themselves. They said that they knewnothing about a market-gardener; that they were, and had always been, the subjects of the greatest Prince in the world, compared with whom allother crowned heads ranked merely as subjects did with their immediatesovereigns. This Prince, they said, lived in the most delicious regionin the world, and the fruit which they imported could only be procuredfrom his private gardens, where it sprang from one of the trees thathad bloomed in the gardens of the Hesperides. The Vraibleusians were atfirst a little surprised at this information, but the old tradition ofthe market-gardener was certainly an improbable one; and the excellenceof the fruit and the importance assumed by those who supplied it weredeemed exceedingly good evidence of the truth of the present story. Whenthe dealers had repeated their new tale for a certain number of years, there was not an individual in the island who in the slightest degreesuspected its veracity. One more century, and no person had ever heardthat any suspicions had ever existed. 

The immediate agents of the Prince of the World could, of course, be nocommon personages; and the servants of the gardener, who some centuriesbefore had meekly disclaimed the proffered reverence of his delightedcustomers, now insisted upon constant adoration from every eater ofpine-apples in the island. In spite, however, of the arrogance of thedealers, of their refusal to be responsible to the laws of the countryin which they lived, and of the universal precedence which, on alloccasions, was claimed even by the shop-boys, so decided was the tastewhich the Vraibleusians had acquired for pine-apples that thereis little doubt that, had the dealers in this delicious fruit beencontented with the respect and influence and profit which were theconsequences of their vocation, the Vraibleusians would never havepresumed to have grumbled at their arrogance or to have questioned theirprivileges. But the agents, wearied of the limited sphere to which theirexertions were confined, and encouraged by the success which every newclaim and pretence on their part invariably experienced, began to evincean inclination to interfere in other affairs besides those of fruit, andeven expressed their willingness to undertake no less an office than themanagement of the Statue. 

A century or two were solely occupied by conflicts occasioned by theunreasonable ambition of these dealers in pine-apples. Such greatpolitical effects could be produced by men apparently so unconnectedwith politics as market-gardeners! Ever supported by the lower ranks, whom they supplied with fruit of the most exquisite flavour withoutcharge, they were, for a long time, often the successful opponents, always the formidable adversaries, of the Vraibleusian aristocracy, whowere the objects of their envy and the victims of their rapaciousness. The Government at last, by a vigorous effort, triumphed. In spite of thewishes of the majority of the nation, the whole of the dealers were oneday expelled the island, and the Managers of the Statue immediately tookpossession of their establishments. 

By distributing the stock of fruit which was on hand liberally, theGovernment, for a short time, reconciled the people to the chance; butas their warehouses became daily less furnished they were daily remindedthat, unless some system were soon adopted, the Islanders must bedeprived of a luxury to which they had been so long accustomed that itsindulgence had, in fact, become a second nature. No one of the managershad the hardihood to propose a recurrence to horse-chestnuts. Pride andfear alike forbade a return to their old purveyor. Other fruits therewere which, in spite of the contract with the market-gardener, had atvarious times been secretly introduced into the island; but they hadnever greatly flourished, and the Statue was loth to recommend to thenotice of his subjects productions an indulgence in which, through theinstigation of the recently-expelled agents, it had so often denouncedas detrimental to the health, and had so often discouraged by theseverest punishments. 

At this difficult and delicate crisis, when even expedients seemedexhausted and statesmen were at fault, the genius of an individualoffered a substitute. An inventive mind discovered the power ofpropagating suckers. The expelled dealers had either been ignorant ofthis power, or had concealed their knowledge of it. They ever maintainedthat it was impossible for pine-apples to grow except in one spot, andthat the whole earth must be supplied from the gardens of the palace ofthe Prince of the World. Now, the Vraibleusians were flattered with thepatriotic fancy of eating pine-apples of a home-growth; and the blessedfortune of that nation, which did not depend for their supply of fruitupon a foreign country, was eagerly expatiated on. Secure from extortionand independent of caprice, the Vraibleusians were no longer to beinsulted by the presence of foreigners; who, while they violatedtheir laws with impunity, referred the Vraibleusians, when injured andcomplaining, to a foreign master. 

No doubt this appeal to the patriotism, and the common sense, and thevanity of the nation would have been successful had not the produce ofthe suckers been both inferior in size and deficient in flavour. TheVraibleusians tasted and shook their heads. The supply, too, was asimperfect as the article; for the Government gardeners were but sorryhorticulturists, and were ever making experiments and alterations intheir modes of culture. The article was scarce, though the law haddecreed it universal; and the Vraibleusians were obliged to feed uponfruit which they considered at the same time both poor and expensive. They protested as strongly against the present system as itspromulgators had protested against the former one, and they revengedthemselves for their grievances by breaking the shop-windows. 

As any result was preferable, in the view of the Statue, to there-introduction of foreign fruit and foreign agents, and as the Managersconsidered it highly important that an indissoluble connection should infuture exist between the Government and so influential and profitable abranch of trade, they determined to adopt the most vigorous measures toinfuse a taste for suckers in the discontented populace. But the eatingof fruit being clearly a matter of taste, it is evidently a habit whichshould rather be encouraged by a plentiful supply of exquisiteproduce than enforced by the introduction of burning and bayonets. Theconsequences of the strong measures of the Government were universaldiscontent and partial rebellion. The Islanders, foolishly ascribing themiseries which they endured, not so much to the folly of the Governmentas to the particular fruit through which the dissensions had originated, began to entertain a disgust for pine-apples altogether, and to sickenat the very mention of that production which had once occasioned themso much pleasure, and which had once commanded such decided admiration. They universally agreed that there were many other fruits in the worldbesides Pine-apple which had been too long neglected. One dilated on therich flavour of Melon; another panegyrised Pumpkin, and offered to makeup by quantity for any slight deficiency in gout; Cherries were notwithout their advocates; Strawberries were not forgotten. One maintainedthat the Fig had been pointed out for the established fruit of allcountries; while another asked, with a reeling eye, whether they needgo far to seek when a God had condescended to preside over the Grape!In short, there was not a fruit which flourishes that did not findits votaries. Strange to say, another foreign product, imported from aneighbouring country famous for its barrenness, counted the most; andthe fruit faction which chiefly frightened the Vraibleusian Governmentwas an acid set, who crammed themselves with Crab-apples. 

It was this party which first seriously and practically conceived theidea of utterly abolishing the ancient custom of eating pine-apples. While they themselves professed to devour no other fruit save crabs, they at the same time preached the doctrine of an universal fruittoleration, which they showed would be the necessary and naturalconsequence of the destruction of the old monopoly. Influenced bythese representations, the great body of the people openly joined theCrab-apple men in their open attacks. The minority, who still retaineda taste for pines, did not yield without an arduous though ineffectualstruggle. During the riots occasioned by this rebellion the Hall ofAudience was broken open, and the miraculous Statue, which was reputedto have a great passion for pine-apples, dashed to the ground. TheManagers were either slain or disappeared. The whole affairs of thekingdom were conducted by a body called 'the Fruit Committee;' and thusa total revolution of the Government of Vraibleusia was occasioned bythe prohibition of foreign pine-apples. What an argument in favour offree-trade!

Every fruit, except that one which had so recently been supported bythe influence of authority and the terrors of law, might now be seenand devoured in the streets of Hubbabub. In one corner men were suckingoranges, as if they had lived their whole lives on salt: in another, stuffing pumpkin, like cannibals at their first child. Here one took inat a mouthful a bunch of grapes, from which might have been presseda good quart. Another was lying on the ground from a surfeit ofmulberries. The effect of this irrational excess will be conceived bythe judicious reader. Calcutta itself never suffered from a choleramorbus half so fearful. Thousands were dying. Were I Thucydides orBoccaccio, I would write pages on this plague. The commonwealth itselfmust soon have yielded its ghost, for all order had ceased throughoutthe island ever since they had deserted pine-apples. There was noGovernment: anarchy alone was perfect. Of the Fruit Committee, many ofthe members were dead or dying, and the rest were robbing orchards. 

At this moment of disorganisation and dismay a stout soldier, one of thecrab-apple faction, who had possessed sufficient command over himself, in spite of the seeming voracity of his appetite, not to indulge toa dangerous excess, made his way one morning into the old Hall ofAudience, and there, groping about, succeeded in finding the goldenhead of the Statue; which placing on the hilt of his sword, the point ofwhich he had stuck in the pedestal, he announced to the city that hehad discovered the secret of conversing with this wonderful piece ofmechanism, and that in future he would take care of the health andfortune of the State. 

There were some who thought it rather strange that the head-piece shouldpossess the power of resuming its old functions, although deprivedof the aid of the body which contained the greater portion of themachinery. As it was evidently well supported by the sword, they werenot surprised that it should stand without the use of its legs. But thestout soldier was the only one in the island who enjoyed the blessing ofhealth. He was fresh, vigorous, and vigilant; they, exhausted, weak, and careless of everything except cure. He soon took measures for theprevention of future mischief and for the cure of the present; and whenhis fellow-islanders had recovered, some were grateful, others fearful, and all obedient. 

So long as the stout soldier lived, no dissensions on the subject offruit ever broke out. Although he himself never interfered in the saleof the article, and never attempted to create another monopoly, still, by his influence and authority, he prevented any excess being occasionedby the Fruit toleration which was enjoyed. Indeed, the Vraibleusiansthemselves had suffered so severely from their late indiscretions thatsuch excesses were not likely again to occur. People began to discoverthat it was not quite so easy a thing as they had imagined for everyman to be his own Fruiterer; and that gardening was a craft which, like others, required great study, long practice, and early experience. Unable to supply themselves, the majority became the victims of quacktraders. They sickened of spongy apricots, and foxy pears, and witheredplums, and blighted apples, and tasteless berries. They at lengthsuspected that a nation might fare better if its race of fruiterers wereoverseen and supported by the State, if their skill and their marketwere alike secured. Although, no longer being tempted to suffer from asurfeit, the health of the Islanders had consequently recovered, thiswas, after all, but a negative blessing, and they sadly missed a luxuryonce so reasonable and so refreshing. They sighed for an establishedfruit and a protected race of cultivators. But the stout soldier was sosworn an enemy to any Government Fruit, and so decided an admirer of theleast delightful, that the people, having no desire of being forced tocat crab-apples, only longed for more delicious food in silence. 

At length the stout soldier died, and on the night of his death thesword which had so long supported the pretended Government snapped intwain. No arrangement existed for carrying on the administration ofaffairs. The master-mind was gone, without having imported the secret ofconversing with the golden head to any successor. The people assembledin agitated crowds. Each knew his neighbour's thoughts without theirbeing declared. All smacked their lips, and a cry for pine-apples rentthe skies. 

At this moment the Aboriginal Inhabitant appeared, and announced thatin examining the old Hall of Audience, which had been long locked up, he had discovered in a corner, where they had been flung by the stoutsoldier when he stole away the head, the remaining portions of theStatue; that they were quite uninjured, and that on fixing the head oncemore upon them, and winding up the works, he was delighted to find thatthis great work of his ancestor, under whose superintendence the nationhad so flourished, resumed all its ancient functions. The people werein a state of mind for a miracle, and they hailed the joyful wonder withshouts of triumph. The State was placed under the provisional care ofthe Aboriginal. All arrangements for its superintendence were leftto his discretion, and its advice was instantly to be taken upon thatsubject which at present was nearest the people's hearts. 

But that subject was encompassed with difficulties. Pine-apples couldonly be again procured by an application to the Prince of the World, whose connection they had rejected, and by an introduction intothe island of those foreign agents, who, now convinced that theVraibleusians could not exist without their presence, would be morearrogant and ambitious and turbulent than ever. Indeed, the Aboriginalfeared that the management of the Statue would be the sine qua non ofnegotiation with the Prince. If this were granted, it was clear thatVraibleusia must in future only rank as a dependent state of a foreignpower, since the direction of the whole island would actually be atthe will of the supplier of pine-apples. Ah! this mysterious taste forfruit! In politics it has often occasioned infinite embarrassment. 

At this critical moment the Aboriginal received information that, although the eating of pine-apples had been utterly abolished, andalthough it was generally supposed that a specimen of this fruit hadlong ceased to exist in the country, nevertheless a body of persons, chiefly consisting of the descendants of the Government gardeners whohad succeeded the foreign agents, and who had never lost their taste forthis pre-eminent fruit, had long been in the habit of secretly raising, for their private eating, pine-apples from the produce of those suckerswhich had originally excited such odium and occasioned such misfortunes. Long practice, they said, and infinite study, had so perfected them inthis art that they now succeeded in producing pine-apples which, bothfor size and flavour, were not inferior to the boasted produce of aforeign clime. Their specimens verified their assertion, and the wholenation were invited to an instant trial. The long interval which hadelapsed since any man had enjoyed a treat so agreeable lent, perhaps, anadditional flavour to that which was really excellent; and so enrapturedand enthusiastic were the great majority of the people that thepropagators of suckers would have had no difficulty, had they pushedthe point, in procuring as favourable and exclusive a contract as themarket-gardener of ancient days. 

But the Aboriginal and his advisers were wisely mindful that thepassions of a people are not arguments for legislation; and they feltconscious that when the first enthusiasm had subsided and when theirappetites were somewhat satisfied, the discontented voices of many whohad been long used to other fruits would be recognised even amidst theshouts of the majority. They therefore greatly qualified the contractbetween the nation and the present fruiterers. An universal Tolerationof Fruit was allowed; but no man was to take office under Government, orenter the services, or in any way become connected with the Court, whowas not supplied from the Government depots. 

Since this happy restoration Pine-apple has remained the establishedfruit of the Island of Vraibleusia; and, it must be confessed, hasbeen found wonderfully conducive to the health and happiness of theIslanders. Some sectarians still remain obstinate, or tasteless enoughto prefer pumpkin, or gorge the most acid apples, or chew the commonestpears; but they form a slight minority, which will graduallyaltogether disappear. The votaries of Pine-apple pretend to observe thecharacteristic effect which such food produces upon the feeders. Theydenounce them as stupid, sour, and vulgar. 

But while, notwithstanding an universal toleration, such an unanimityof taste apparently prevails throughout the island, as if Fruit werea subject of such peculiar nicety that difference of opinion mustnecessarily rise among men, great Fruit factions even now prevail inVraibleusia; and, what is more extraordinary, prevail even among theadmirers of pine-apples themselves. Of these, the most important is asect which professes to discover a natural deficiency not only in allother fruits, but even in the finest pine-apples. Fruit, they maintain, should never be eaten in the state in which Nature yields it to man;and they consequently are indefatigable in prevailing upon the lessdiscriminating part of mankind to heighten the flavour of theirpine-apples with ginger, or even with pepper. Although they profess toadopt these stimulants from the great admiration which they entertainfor a high flavour, there are, nevertheless, some less ardent peoplewho suspect that they rather have recourse to them from the weakness oftheir digestion. 

CHAPTER 15

As his Excellency Prince Popanilla really could not think of beingannoyed by the attentions of the mob during his visit to Blunderland, he travelled quite in a quiet way, under the name of the Chevalier deFantaisie, and was accompanied only by Skindeep and two attendants. AsBlunderland was one of the islands of the Vraibleusian Archipelago, theyarrived there after the sail of a few hours. 

The country was so beautiful that the Chevalier was almost reminded ofFantaisie. Green meadows and flourishing trees made him remember therailroads and canals of Vraibleusia without regret, or with disgust, which is much the same. The women were angelic, which is thehighest praise; and the men the most light-hearted, merry, obliging, entertaining fellows that he had met with in the whole course of hislife. Oh! it was delicious. 

After an hour's dashing drive, he arrived at a city which, had he notseen Hubbabub, he should have imagined was one of the most considerablein the world; but compared with the Vraibleusian capital it was astreet. 

Shortly after his arrival, according to the custom of the place, Popanilla joined the public table of his hotel at dinner. He wasrather surprised that, instead of knives and forks being laid forthe convenience of the guests, the plates were flanked by daggers andpistols. As Popanilla now made a point of never asking a question ofSkindeep, he addressed himself for information to his other neighbour, one of the civilest, most hospitable, and joyous rogues that ever set atable in a roar. On Popanilla inquiring the reason of their using thesesingular instruments, his neighbour, with an air of great astonishment, confessed his ignorance of any people ever using any other; and inhis turn asked how they could possibly eat their dinner without. TheChevalier was puzzled, but he was now too well bred ever to pursue aninquiry. 

Popanilla, being thirsty, helped himself to a goblet of water, which wasat hand. It was the most delightful water that he ever tasted. In a fewminutes he found that he was a little dizzy, and, supposing this megrimto be occasioned by the heat of the room, he took another draught ofwater to recover himself. 

As his neighbour was telling him an excellent joke a man entered theroom and shot the joker through the head. The opposite guest immediatelycharged his pistol with effect, and revenged the loss. A party of men, well armed, now rushed in, and a brisk conflict immediately ensued. Popanilla, who was very dizzy, was fortunately pushed under the table. When the firing and slashing had ceased, he ventured to crawl out. Hefound that the assailants had been beaten off, though unfortunately withthe total loss of all the guests, who lay lifeless about the room. Eventhe prudent Skindeep, who had sought refuge in a closet, had lost hisnose, which was a pity; because, although this gentleman had never beenin Blunderland before, he had passed his whole life in maintainingthat the accounts of the disturbances in that country were greatlyexaggerated. Popanilla rang the bell, and the waiters, who wereremarkably attentive, swept away the dead bodies, and brought him aroasted potato for supper. 

The Chevalier soon retired to rest. He found at the side of his bed ablunderbuss, a cutlass, and a pike; and he was directed to secure thedoor of his chamber with a great chain and a massy iron bar. Feelinggreat confidence in his securities, although he was quite ignorant ofthe cause of alarm, and very much exhausted with the bustle of the day, he enjoyed sounder sleep than had refreshed him for many weeks. He wasawakened in the middle of the night by a loud knocking at his door. Heimmediately seized his blunderbuss, but, recognising the voice of hisown valet, he only took his pike. His valet told him to unbar withoutloss of time, for the house had been set on fire. Popanilla immediatelymade his escape, but found himself surrounded by the incendiaries. Hegave himself up for lost, when a sudden charge of cavalry brought himoff in triumph. He was convinced of the utility of light-horse. 

The military had arrived with such despatch that the fire was the leasteffective that had wakened the house for the whole week. It was soonextinguished, and Popanilla again retired to his bedroom, not forgettinghis bar and his chain. 

In the morning Popanilla was roused by his landlord, who told him that alarge party was about to partake of the pleasures of the chase, andmost politely inquired whether he would like to join them. Popanillaassented, and after having eaten an excellent breakfast, and received afavourable bulletin of Skindeep's wound, he mounted his horse. The partywas numerous and well armed. Popanilla inquired of a huntsman what sportthey generally followed in Blunderland. According to the custom of thiscountry, where they never give a direct answer, the huntsman saidthat he did not know that there was any other sport but one. Popanillathought him a brute, and dug his spurs into his horse. 

They went off at a fine rate, and the exercise was most exhilarating. In a short time, as they were cantering along a defile, they received asharp fire from each side, which rather reduced their numbers; but theyrevenged themselves for this loss when they regained the plain, wherethey burnt two villages, slew two or three hundred head of women, andbagged children without number. On their return home to dinner theychased a small body of men over a heath for nearly two hours, whichafforded good sport; but they did not succeed in running them down, asthey themselves were in turn chased by another party. Altogether, theday was not deficient in interest, and Popanilla found in the eveninghis powers of digestion improved. 

After passing his days in this manner for about a fortnight, Popanillaperfectly recovered from his dyspepsia; and Skindeep's wound havingnow healed, he retired with regret from this healthy climate. He tookadvantage of the leisure moment which was afforded during the sail toinquire the reason of the disturbed state of this interestingcountry. He was told that it was in consequence of the majority of theinhabitants persisting in importing their own pine-apples. 

CHAPTER 16

On his return to Hubbabub, the Chevalier de Fantaisie found the city inthe greatest confusion. The military were marshalled in all directions;the streets were lined with field-pieces; no one was abroad; all theshops were shut. Although not a single vehicle was visible, Popanilla'sprogress was slow, from the quantity of shells of all kinds which chokedup the public way. When he arrived at his hotel he found that all thewindows were broken. He entered, and his landlord immediately presentedhim with his bill. As the landlord was pressing, and as Popanilla wishedfor an opportunity of showing his confidence in Skindeep's friendship, he requested him to pay the amount. Skindeep sent a messengerimmediately to his banker, deeming an ambassador almost as good securityas a nation, which we all know to be the very best. 

This little arrangement being concluded, the landlord resumed his usualcivility. He informed the travellers that the whole island was ina state of the greatest commotion, and that martial law universallyprevailed. He said that this disturbance was occasioned by the return ofthe expedition destined to the Isle of Fantaisie. It appeared, from hisaccount, that after sailing about from New Guinea to New Holland, the expedition had been utterly unable not only to reach their newcustomers, but even to obtain the slightest intelligence of theirlocality. No such place as Fantaisie was known at Ceylon. Sumatragave information equally unsatisfactory. Java shook its head. Celebesconceived the inquirers were jesting. The Philippine Isles offered toaccommodate them with spices, but could assist them in no other way. Hadit not been too hot at Borneo, they would have fairly laughed outright. The Maldives and the Moluccas, the Luccadives and the Andamans, were nearly as impertinent. The five hundred ships and thejudiciously-assorted cargo were therefore under the necessity ofreturning home. 

No sooner, however, had they reached Vraibleusia than the markets wereimmediately glutted with the unsold goods. All the manufacturers, whohad been working day and night in preparing for the next expedition, were instantly thrown out of employ. A run commenced on the GovernmentBank. That institution perceived too late that the issues of pink shellshad been too unrestricted. As the Emperor of the East had all the gold, the Government Bank only protected itself from failure by bayoneting itscreditors. The manufacturers, who were starving, consoled themselves forthe absence of food by breaking all the windows in the country withthe discarded shells. Every tradesman failed. The shipping interestadvertised two or three fleets for firewood. Riots were universal. TheAboriginal was attacked on all sides, and made so stout a resistance, and broke so many cudgels on the backs of his assailants, that it wassupposed he would be finally exhausted by his own exertions. The publicfunds sunk ten per cent. Daily. All the Millionaires crashed. In a word, dismay, disorganisation, despair, pervaded in all directions the wisest, the greatest, and the richest nation in the world. The master of thehotel added, with an air of becoming embarrassment, that, had not hisExcellency been fortunately absent, he probably would not have had thepleasure of detailing to him this little narrative; that he had oftenbeen inquired for by the populace at his old balcony; and that a crowdhad perpetually surrounded the house till within the last day, whena report had got about that his Excellency had turned into steam anddisappeared. He added that caricatures of his Highness might be procuredin any shop, and his account of his voyage obtained at less thanhalf-price. 

'Ah!' said Popanilla, in a tone of great anguish, 'and all this fromlosing a lock of hair!'

At this moment the messenger whom Skindeep had despatched returned, andinformed him with great regret that his banker, to whom he had entrustedhis whole fortune, had been so unlucky as to stop payment duringhis absence. It was expected, however, that when his stud was solda respectable dividend might be realised. This was the personage ofprepossessing appearance who had presented Popanilla with a perpetualticket to his picture gallery. On examining the banker's accounts, itwas discovered that his chief loss had been incurred by supporting thatcompetition establishment where purses were bought full of crowns. 

In spite of his own misfortunes, Popanilla hastened to console hisfriend. He explained to him that things were not quite so bad as theyappeared; that society consisted of two classes, those who laboured, and those who paid the labourers; that each class was equally useful, because, if there were none to pay, the labourers would not beremunerated, and if there were none to labour, the payers would not beaccommodated; that Skindeep might still rank in one of these classes;that he might therefore still be a useful member of society; that, ifhe were useful, he must therefore be good; and that, if he were good, he must therefore be happy; because happiness is the consequence ofassisting the beneficial development of the ameliorating principles ofthe social action. 

As he was speaking, two gentlemen in blue, with red waistcoats, enteredthe chamber and seized Popanilla by the collar. The VraibleusianGovernment, which is so famous for its interpretation of National Law, had arrested the Ambassador for high treason. 

CHAPTER 17

A prison conveyed the most lugubrious ideas to the mind of the unhappyPlenipotentiary; and shut up in a hackney-coach, with a man on each sideof him with a most gloomy conceptions of overwhelming fetters, blackbread, and green water. He arrived at the principal gaol in Hubbabub. He was ushered into an elegantly furnished apartment, with French sashwindows and a piano. Its lofty walls were entirely hung with a fancifulpaper, which represented a Tuscan vineyard; the ceiling was covered withsky and clouds; roses were in abundance; and the windows, though wellsecured, excited no jarring associations in the mind of the individualthey illumined, protected, as they were, by polished bars of cut steel. This retreat had been fitted up by a poetical politician, who hadrecently been confined for declaring that the Statue was an old idoloriginally imported from the Sandwich Isles. Taking up a brilliantlybound volume which reposed upon a rosewood table, Popanilla recitedaloud a sonnet to Liberty; but the account given of the goddess bythe bard was so confused, and he seemed so little acquainted with hissubject, that the reader began to suspect it was an effusion of thegaoler. 

Next to being a Plenipotentiary, Popanilla preferred being a prisoner. His daily meals consisted of every delicacy in season: a marble bath wasever at his service; a billiard-room and dumb-bells always ready; andhis old friends, the most eminent physician and the most celebratedpractitioner in Hubbabub, called upon him daily to feel his pulse andlook at his tongue. These attentions authorised a hope that he might yetagain be an Ambassador, that his native land might still be discovered, and its resources still be developed: but when his gaoler told him thatthe rest of the prisoners were treated in a manner equally indulgent, because the Vraibleusians are the most humane people in the world, Popanilla's spirits became somewhat depressed. 

He was greatly consoled, however, by a daily visit from a body of themost beautiful, the most accomplished, and the most virtuous femalesin Hubbabub, who tasted his food to see that his cook did his duty, recommended him a plentiful use of pine-apple well peppered, and madehim a present of a very handsome shirt, with worked frills and ruffles, to be hanged in. This enchanting committee generally confined theirattentions to murderers and other victims of the passions, who weredeserted in their hour of need by the rest of the society theyhad outraged; but Popanilla, being a foreigner, a Prince, and aPlenipotentiary, and not ill-looking, naturally attracted a great dealof notice from those who desire the amelioration of their species. 

Popanilla was so pleased with his mode of life, and had acquired sucha taste for poetry, pin-apples, and pepper since he had ceased to be anactive member of society, that he applied to have his trial postponed, on the ground of the prejudice which had been excited against him bythe public press. As his trial was at present inconvenient to theGovernment, the postponement was allowed on these grounds. 

In the meantime, the public agitation was subsiding. The nationreconciled itself to the revolution in its fortunes. The ci-devantmillionaires were busied with retrenchment; the Government engaged insweeping in as many pink shells as were lying about the country;the mechanics contrived to live upon chalk and sea-weed; and as theAboriginal would not give his corn away gratis, the Vraibleusiansdetermined to give up bread. The intellectual part of the nation wereintently interested in discovering the cause of the National Distress. One of the philosophers said that it might all be traced to the effectsof a war in which the Vraibleusians had engaged about a centurybefore. Another showed that it was altogether clearly ascribable to thepernicious custom of issuing pink shells; but if, instead of this modeof representing wealth, they had had recourse to blue shells, the nationwould now have advanced to a state of prosperity which it had never yetreached. A third demonstrated to the satisfaction of himself and hisimmediate circle that it was all owing to the Statue having recentlybeen repaired with silver instead of iron. The public were unable todecide between these conflicting opinions; but they were still moredesirous of finding out a remedy for the evil than the cause of it. 

An eloquent and philosophical writer, who entertains consolatoryopinions of human nature, has recently told us that 'it is in the natureof things that the intellectual wants of society should be supplied. Whenever the man is required invariably the man will appear. ' So ithappened in the present instance. A public instructor jumped up inthe person of Mr. Flummery Flam, the least insinuating and the leastplausible personage that ever performed the easy task of gulling anation. His manners were vulgar, his voice was sharp, and his languagealmost unintelligible. Flummery Flam was a provisional optimist. Hemaintained that everything would be for the best, if the nation wouldonly follow his advice. He told the Vraibleusians that the presentuniversal and overwhelming distress was all and entirely and merely tobe ascribed to 'a slight over-trading, ' and that all that was requiredto set everything right again was 'a little time. ' He showed thatthis over-trading and every other injudicious act that had ever beencommitted were entirely to be ascribed to the nation being imbued witherroneous and imperfect ideas of the nature of Demand and Supply. Heproved to them that if a tradesman cannot find customers his goods willgenerally stay upon his own hands. He explained to the Aboriginalthe meaning of rent; to the mechanics the nature of wages; to themanufacturers the signification of profits. He recommended that a largeedition of his own work should be printed at the public expense andsold for his private profit. Finally, he explained how immediate, thoughtemporary, relief would be afforded to the State by the encouragement ofEMIGRATION. 

The Vraibleusians began to recover their spirits. The Government hadthe highest confidence in Flummery Flam, because Flummery Flam served todivert the public thoughts. By his direction lectures were instituted atthe corner of every street, to instil the right principles of politicsinto the mind of the great body of the people. Every person, from theManagers of the Statue down to the chalk-chewing mechanics, attendedlectures on Flummery-Flammism. The Vraibleusians suddenly discoveredthat it was the great object of a nation not to be the most powerful, or the richest, or the best, or the wisest, but to be the mostFlummery-Flammistical. 

CHAPTER 18

The day fixed for Popanilla's trial was at hand. The Prince was notunprepared for the meeting. For some weeks before the appointed dayhe had been deeply studying the published speeches of the greatestrhetorician that flourished at the Vraibleusian bar. He was so inflatedwith their style that he nearly blew down the gaoler every morning whenhe rehearsed a passage before him. Indeed, Popanilla looked forward tohis trial with feelings of anticipated triumph. He determined boldlyand fearlessly to state the principles upon which his public conducthad been founded, the sentiments he professed on most of the importantsubjects which interest mankind, and the views he entertained ofthe progress of society. He would then describe, in the most glowinglanguage, the domestic happiness which he enjoyed in his native isle. He would paint, in harrowing sentences, the eternal misery and disgracewhich his ignominious execution would entail upon the grey-headedfather, who looked up to him as a prop for his old age; the affectionatemother, who perceived in him her husband again a youth; the devotedwife, who could never survive his loss; and the sixteen children, chiefly girls, whom his death would infallibly send upon the parish. This, with an eulogistic peroration on the moral qualities of theVraibleusians and the political importance of Vraibleusia, would, he hadno doubt, not only save his neck, but even gain him a moderate pension. 

The day arrived, the Court was crowded, and Popanilla had thesatisfaction of observing in the newspapers that tickets for the bestgallery to witness his execution were selling at a premium. 

The indictment was read. He listened to it with intense attention. To his surprise, he found himself accused of stealing two hundred andnineteen Camelopards. All was now explained. He perceived that he hadbeen mistaken the whole of this time for another person. He could notcontain himself. He burst into an exclamation. He told the judge, in avoice of mingled delight, humility, and triumph, that it was possiblehe might be guilty of high treason, because he was ignorant of whatthe crime consisted; but as for stealing two hundred and nineteenCamelopards, he declared that such a larceny was a moral impossibility, because he had never seen one such animal in the whole course of hislife. 

The judge was kind and considerate. He told the prisoner that the chargeof stealing Camelopards was a fiction of law; that he had no doubthe had never seen one in the whole course of his life, nor in allprobability had any one in the whole Court. He explained to Popanilla, that originally this animal greatly abounded in Vraibleusia; that thepresent Court, the highest and most ancient in the kingdom, had thenbeen instituted for the punishment of all those who molested or injuredthat splendid animal. The species, his lordship continued, had been longextinct; but the Vraibleusians, duly reverencing the institutions oftheir ancestors, had never presumed to abrogate the authority of theCamelopard Court, or invest any other with equal privileges. Therefore, his lordship added, in order to try you in this Court for a modernoffence of high treason, you must first be introduced by fiction of lawas a stealer of Camelopards, and then being in praesenti regio, ina manner, we proceed to business by a special power for the absoluteoffence. Popanilla was so confounded by the kindness of the judge andthe clearness of his lordship's statement that he quite lost the threadof his peroration. 

The trial proceeded. Everybody with whom Popanilla had conversed duringhis visit to Vraibleusia was subpoenaed against him, and the evidencewas conclusive. Skindeep, who was brought up by a warrant from theKing's Bench, proved the fact of Popanilla's landing; and that hehad given himself out as a political exile, the victim of a tyrant, acorrupt aristocracy, and a misguided people. But, either from a secretfeeling towards his former friend or from his aversion to answerquestions, this evidence was on the whole not very satisfactory. 

The bookseller proved the publication of that fatal volume whosedeceptive and glowing statements were alone sufficient to ensurePopanilla's fate. It was in vain that the author avowed that he hadnever written a line of his own book. This only made his imposturemore evident. The little philosopher with whom he had conversed atLady Spirituelle's, and who, being a friend of Flummery Flam, hadnow obtained a place under Government, invented the most condemningevidence. The Marquess of Moustache sent in a state paper, desiring tobe excused from giving evidence, on account of the delicate situationin which he had been placed with regard to the prisoner; but he referredthem to his former Private Secretary, who, he had no doubt, would affordevery information. Accordingly, the President of Fort Jobation, who hadbeen brought over specially, finished the business. 

The Judge, although his family had suffered considerably by the latemadness for speculation, summed up in the most impartial manner. He toldthe jury that, although the case was quite clear against the prisoner, they were bound to give him the advantage of every reasonable doubt. Theforeman was about to deliver the verdict, when a trumpet sounded, and aGovernment messenger ran breathless into Court. Presenting a scroll tothe presiding genius, he informed him that a remarkably able young man, recently appointed one of the Managers of the Statue, in consequenceof the inconvenience which the public sustained from the innumerablequantity of edicts of the Statue at present in force, had last nightconsolidated them all into this single act, which, to render itsoperation still more simple, was gifted with a retrospective power forthe last half century. 

His lordship, looking over the scroll, passed a high eulogium upon theyoung consolidator, compared to whom, he said, Justinian was a countryattorney. Observing, however, that the crime of high treason had beenaccidentally omitted in the consolidated legislation of Vraibleusia, hedirected the jury to find the prisoner 'not guilty. ' As in Vraibleusiathe law believes every man's character to be perfectly pure until a juryof twelve persons finds the reverse, Popanilla was kicked out of court, amid the hootings of the mob, without a stain upon his reputation. 

It was late in the evening when he left the court. Exhausted bothin mind and body, the mischief being now done, and being totallyunemployed, according to custom, he began to moralise. 'I begin toperceive, ' said he, 'that it is possible for a nation to exist in tooartificial a state; that a people may both think too much and do toomuch. All here exists in a state of exaggeration. The nation itselfprofesses to be in a situation in which it is impossible for any nationever to be naturally placed. To maintain themselves in this falseposition, they necessarily have recourse to much destructive conductand to many fictitious principles. And as the character of a people ismodelled on that of their Government, in private life this system ofexaggeration equally prevails, and equally produces a due quantity ofruinous actions and false sentiment! In the meantime, I am starving, anddare not show my face in the light of day!'

As he said this the house opposite was suddenly lit up, and the words'EMIGRATION COMMITTEE' were distinctly visible on a transparent blind. A sudden resolution entered Popanilla's mind to make an application tothis body. He entered the Committee-room, and took his place at the endof a row of individuals, who were severally examined. When it was histurn to come forward he began to tell his story from the beginning, and would certainly have got to the lock of hair had not thePresident enjoined silence. Popanilla was informed that the lastEmigration-squadron was about to sail in a few minutes; and that, although the number was completed, his broad shoulders and powerfulframe had gained him a place. He was presented with a spade, a blanket, and a hard biscuit, and in a quarter of an hour was quitting the port ofHubbabub. 

Once more upon the waters, yet once more!

As the Emigration-squadron quitted the harbour two large fleets hove insight. The first was the expedition which had been despatched againstthe decapitating King of the North, and which now returned heavily ladenwith his rescued subjects. The other was the force which had flown tothe preservation of the body of the decapitated King of the South, andwhich now brought back his Majesty embalmed, some Princes of the blood, and an emigrant Aristocracy. 

What became of the late Fantaisian Ambassador; whether he were destinedfor Van Diemen's Land or for Canada; what rare adventures he experiencedin Sydney, or Port Jackson, or Guelph City, or Goodrich Town; andwhether he discovered that man might exist in too natural a state, aswell as in too artificial a one, will probably be discovered, if ever weobtain Captain Popanilla's Second Voyage.