[Illustration: THE TEN PLEASURES OF MARRIAGE Printed at London 1682 Published by the Navarre Society London]

 THE TEN PLEASURES OF MARRIAGE

 AND THE SECOND PART

 THE CONFESSION OF THE NEW MARRIED COUPLE

 ATTRIBUTED TO

 APHRA BEHN

 _REPRINTED WITH AN INTRODUCTION_

 BY

 JOHN HARVEY

 AND THE ORIGINAL TWENTY PLATES

 AND TWO ENGRAVED TITLES

 RE-ENGRAVED

 LONDON: MCMXXII

 _PRIVATELY PRINTED FOR THE NAVARRE SOCIETY LIMITED_

 _Printed in Great Britain_

 * * * * *

INTRODUCTION

The Restoration brought back to England something more than a king andthe theatre. It renewed in English life the robust vitality of humourwhich had been repressed under the Commonwealth--though, in spite ofrepression, there were, even among the Puritan divines, men like theauthor of _Joanereidos_, whose self-expression ran the whole gamutfrom freedom to licentiousness. 

It is a curious thing, that fundamental English humour. It can bevividly concentrated into a single word, as when, for instance, thechronicler of _The Ten Pleasures of Marriage_ revives the opprobriousterm for a tailor--"pricklouse": the whole history of the Englishwoollen industry and of the stuffy Tudor and Stuart domesticarchitecture is in the nickname. Or a single phrase can light up anidea, as when, a few days before marriage, "the Bridegroom is runningup and down like a dog. " But, on the other hand, the spirit manifestsitself sometimes in exuberance, as when Urquhart and Motteuxmetagrobolized Rabelais into something almost more tumescent andoverwhelming than the original. In that vein of humour the presentwork frequently runs. The author is as ready to pile up his epithetsas Urquhart himself. Let the Nurse go, he says, "for then you'll havean Eater, a Stroy-good, a Stufgut, a Spoil-all, and Prittle-pratler, less than you had before. "

It is, in fact, as an example of English humour--exaggerated, nodoubt, by the reaction from Puritanism--that _The Ten Pleasures ofMarriage_ should be viewed, in the main. It is true, however, that itis of uncertain parentage and must own to foreign kin. A well-knownbut (by a strange coincidence) almost equally rare book is Antoine dela Salle's _Quinze Joies de Mariage_. It seems possible that this wastranslated into English. At any rate, in the year in which _The TenPleasures_ was published--1682-1683--the following work was registeredat Stationers' Hall: _The Woman's Advocate, or fifteen real comfortsof matrimony, being in requital of the late fifteen_ sham _comforts_. Moreover, _The Ten Pleasures_ was in all probability printedabroad--Hazlitt thinks at The Hague or Amsterdam. The very first pagein the original edition contains one of several hints of Batavianproduction--"younger" is printed "jounger. " The curious allusion tothe great French poet, Clément Marot, may also suggest a temporaryforeign sojourn for the author for though Marot was doubtless knownto English readers in the seventeenth century, the exact reference ofthe allusion is not at all obvious. It very possibly reflects on thefact that in 1526 the Sorbonne condemned both Marot and his poem_Colloque de l'abbé et de la femme sçavante_; and Marot certainlywrote about women and marriage. He is not, however, a "stock" figurein English literary allusion, either learned or popular, and the factsuggests at least familiarity with the literature of other countries. 

But there can be no doubt of the English character of the text both ingeneral and in detail. It is redolent of English middle-class life asit was in the days before our grandfathers decided that the human bodywas an obscene thing and its functions deplorable. It has themiddle-class love of good food--Colchester oysters (famous then asnow), asparagus, peaches, apricots, candied ginger, China oranges, comfits, pancakes--enough to make the mouth water. It has the solidEnglish furniture, with all its ritual of solemnity; "vallians"(valences), "daslles" (tassels), big bedsteads, Chiny-ware, plushchairs, linen cupboards. It has all the fuss of preparation forchildbirth--the accumulations of wrappings, the obstetric furniture, the nods and winks of the midwife and the gossips, authentic ancestorsof Mrs Sarah Gamp and Mrs Elizabeth Prig--why, the haste to fetch themidwife at the crisis might almost be the foundation upon whichDickens built the visit of Seth Pecksniff, Esq. , to Kingsgate Street, High Holborn. 

It has likewise many touches which show knowledge of the averagefairly prosperous English life--the merchant's, the shopkeeper's, thesea-captain's. The author clearly knew the routine of trade. He knewthat at New Year's Day the "day-book" had to be fully written up forscrutiny and stock-taking and sending out of accounts. (But thepleasures or torments of love are such that "the squire is so full ofbusiness that he can't spare half-an-hour to write it out. " The briefdescription of his feelings which follows, conventional, perhaps, tosome extent, has a certain life in it, as if the writer, embittered, was recalling his own youthful experience. ) He knew, too, what to-daywe only know in the mass through the newspapers, that a merchant'sbusiness depends not only upon watching the markets, but upon theactual supply of material--"what commodities are arrived or expected, "and whether tea is up ½d. Or tin ¾d. Down, or if hogs closed firm. Thecommercial world changes only its methods of communication andexpression. 

The first chapter, indeed, is of genuine historical and literaryinterest. From the literary point of view, it is a neardescendant--collateral, if not direct, and anyhow based on the sameEnglish empirical humour of life--of Thomas Overbury's _A Wife_(1614--only one unique copy of this is known to exist), John Earle's_Microcosmographie_ (1628), in prose, and Thomas Bastard's_Chrestoleros_* (1598), in verse. It is an early instance of thestringing together, in a connected narrative, of the materialpreviously used only in short sketches or "characters"; and so it isdirectly in the succession which in the end produced what is perhapsthe most enduring and individual phenomenon in our literature--theEnglish novel. 

 * A copy of the very rare first edition fetched £155 at the Britwell sale in February 1922. 

Of course the book says things we do not say now openly--though thetraditional _corpus scriptorum nondum scriptorum_ which almost all menand even some women know is handed on, a rather noisome torch, fromgeneration to generation, solely by word of mouth, and flickers nowand again in _The Ten Pleasures_. But they were said openly then, andby great writers. There is nothing here so nauseatingly indecent asthe viler poems of the Rev. Robert Herrick and the Very Rev. The Deanof Dublin, Jonathan Swift, D. D. There are salacious hints, there arebawdy words, but no more than Falstaff or the wife of Bath or theSummoner or Tom Jones might have used--less, on the whole. There is noneed, to borrow a phrase from the book's sequel, to "make use of thegesture of casting up the whites of the eyes. " "True-hearted soulswill solace their spirits with a little laughter, and never busy theirbrains with the subversion of Church and State government. "

Certainly the writer favoured the jovial life. Food and wine flow inhis pages like milk and honey in Canaan. There is no room in his housefor the Puritans, not even, apparently, in the bringing up of hischild. "Those that frequent Mr Baxter's Puritanical Holding-forth"must be merry when they come to his feast. He will have no_Catechizing of Families_--a discourse published by Richard Baxter inthis very year 1683; and the only _Compassionate Counsel_--a Baxterpamphlet of 1681--he is likely to offer to young men is to take lifelightly, as his hero does, and above all, not to marry. 

For that is the true point of this lively piece of irony (the irony isless well sustained in the sequel, _The Confession of the New MarriedCouple_, and dropped altogether in the bitter _Letter_ at the end of_The Ten Pleasures_). It is a savage attack upon women--upon (to quotea Rabelaisian sentence) "the quarrelsome, crabbed, lavish, proud, opinionated, domineering and unbridled nature of the female sex. "Women, he says, "are in effect of less value than old Iron, Boots andShoes, etc. , for we find both Merchants and money ready always to buythose commodities. " The analogy is an unfortunate one, for one of hisimplications is that women can easily be bought. But he--if it is a"he"--is in deadly earnest. Love, marriage, he asks scornfully--whatare they? A romance, are they? The true happiness of life? Very well:here are the pleasures of them. You will be in love and make amatch--and look at all the worry of the settlement, in which, by theway, you may often be defrauded. You will get married--a fineceremony, with a fine feast; and all the nasty old women of theneighbourhood will come and tell bawdy stories to enliven theoccasion. You get married, and thereafter you are at the mercy of yourwife, who will indulge your wishes or not as suits her mood. Yourhouse will be all awry if she has but a slight headache. When the babycomes, the place will be filled with old women and baby-linen andmedical apparatus, and you will have all the anxieties of a fatheradded to the discomforts of a neglected husband. For the rest, yourwife will know how "to cuckold, jilt, and sham" as well as any gaylady of Covent Garden. And so on. 

Much of the satire is acute and well-turned, often novel in expressionif not in thought. But it is, as has been suggested, in the picture ofEnglish middle-class life under James II. That the importance of thebook lies. Here is the domestic side of what the great diarists andthe great poets hint at, and the excess of which municipal records, those treasuries of private appearances in public, chronicle with theseverity of judgment. You have the young couple going (alas that theriver for this purpose has, so to speak, been moved farther up its owncourse!) for a row on the Thames, with Lambeth, Bankside and Southwarkechoing to their laughter. They might visit the New Spring Gardens atVauxhall; but they would probably avoid the old (second) Globe Theatreon Bankside, for it was a meeting-house at which the formidable Baxterpreached. Or they might go into Kent and pick fruit, even as"beanfeasters" do to this day; or to Hereford for its cider and perry, the drinking of which is a custom not yet extinct. Or maybe only foran outing to the pleasant village of Hackney. They would see thestreets gay with signs which (outside Lombard Street) few houses buttaverns wear to-day--the sign of the _Silkworm_ or the _Sheep_, orthat fantastic schoolmaster's emblem, the _Troubled Pate_ with a crownupon it. And when they stopped for rest at the sign of a bush upon apole, how they would fall to upon the Martinmas beef, theneats-tongues, the cheesecakes! It is true they might find prices highand crops poor; but such things must be.... "This is the use, custom, and fruits of war. If the impositions and taxes run high, the countryfarmer can't help that; you know that the war costs money, and it mustbe given, or else we should lose all. " Had they learnt that as longago as 1682?

As a _genre_ work the book is not unique; rather is it typical. Thegradual social settlement after the Civil War, destined to developinto stagnation under the first Georges, caused didactic works, guidesto manners, housewifery and sport, society handbooks, to proliferate. _The Ten Pleasures_ mentions some standard works, which every goodhousewife would probably possess--Nicholas Culpepper's medicalhandbooks, for instance, and _The Complete Cook_, which indeed, aspart of _The Queen's Closet Opened_, had reappeared in its natal year1682-1683. The same year saw the birth of such works as _The CompleteCourtier_, _The Complete Compting House_, _The Gentleman Jockey_, _TheAccomplished Ladies' Delight. _ Life was being scheduled, tabulated, inreadiness for the complacent century about to open. It was also beingexplored, not only in such works as _The Ten Pleasures_ and _TheWoman's Advocate_, but in others (entered as published, but in manycases not known to be now extant) like _The Wonders of the FemaleWorld_, _The Swaggering Damsel_, or _Several New Curtain Lectures_, and _Venus in ye smoake, or, the nunn in her smock, in curiousdialogues addressed to the lady abbesse of love's parradice_--allproduced in that same _annus mirabilis_ of outspoken domesticity. 

_The Ten Pleasures_, apart from its intrinsic interest, isexceptionally important from a book-collector's point of view. It isof the utmost rarity. There is no copy in the British Museum and nonein the Cambridge University Library. In fact, there are only twocopies known of the whole work--one in the Bodleian (wanting oneplate), and that from which the present text is taken. The HuthCollection had a copy of the first part only. Both the fuller copiescontain the second part--_The Confession_--and evidently the twoparts, though they have separate title pages, and were published atdifferent times, were intended to form a complete work. 

Who wrote the book? "A. Marsh, Typogr. [apher], " says the title page. A. Marsh cannot be traced, nor is the work included in the Stationers'Registers for the period. It may be that Marsh thought it toolicentious for registration (an improbable supposition), and so, asHazlitt suggests, printed it abroad. 

But the initials A. B. At the end of the _Letter_ in the first part maybe a clue, though a perplexing one. It is a plausible guess that theyare those of Aphra or Aphara Behn, the dramatist and poet, the firstwoman to earn her living by her pen. It is true that she was, so tospeak, a feminist: the preface and epilogue to her _Sir PatientFancy_ speak bitterly of those who would not go to her plays becausethey were by a woman. On the other hand, she had a free pen, to saythe least of it, and often a witty one. And she had Dutchassociations. Her husband was a Dutch merchant living in London. Shehad herself been on secret service in the Netherlands. She translateda Dutch book on oracles. If the book was printed in Holland, she ofall people could get the work done. And she knew the city of Londonintimately. 

There are, too, some odd details in her plays, especially in _SirPatient Fancy_, which recall touches in _The Ten Pleasures_. Sheintroduces a Padua doctor on the stage. She shows, in several of herplays, a curious interest in medicine, especially quack medicine. SirPatient, a hypochondriac, thinks he is swelling up like the "pipsy"husband. Isabella, in the same play, says "keeping begins to be asridiculous as matrimony.... The insolence and expense of theirmistresses has almost tired out all but the old and doting part ofmankind. " It is not inconceivable that in a freakish or embitteredmoment this singular woman threw herself with malicious joy into anattack on her own sex. 

"Love in fantastic triumph sat.... " Aphra Behn's great lyricdeservedly lives. If she wrote _The Ten Pleasures_, the sort of loveshe describes in it still lives, but hardly in fantastic triumph. Yetif we want to know our fellow-men, we must know something of it. Apartfrom the curious interest of its rarity, _The Ten Pleasures_ is asturdy piece of human nature. 

JOHN HARVEY. 

 * * * * *

PUBLISHER'S PREFACE

"Of the making of many books there is no end, " nor is there an end tothe Romance of books, as the little volume here, privately reprintedby the Navarre Society, is surely proof most positive. The original isa small thick volume; it bears the imprint "London, Printed in theyear 1683, " and but one perfect copy is known; that copy layunappreciated in the heart of London in an antiquarian bookseller'sshop. 

Fortunately, however, for our literature and for students of themanners of the commonality of the period it was seen by a colleague, who wondered why he did not know it. After purchasing it he found thereason why--the Bodleian Library alone possessed a copy of the work(imperfect); later a copy of the first part (only) appeared in thelast portion of the sale of the great Huth Collection. The presenttext is taken from the perfect copy mentioned above. 

The curious title rather damns the literary interest of the book, which presents pictures of the cit and his wife at work and playwhich Fielding, had he lived in the seventeenth century, might havewritten. It is thought that the book was printed in Holland, and ifso, it may well be that the ship carrying the printed sheets toEngland foundered in the North Sea, or was sunk by enemy craft. Therecan be no doubt that such a work would not have escaped the wits ofthe time; if it had survived for ordinary circulation, mention wouldhave been made of it, however small an edition had been sold. No otherso likely reason for its extreme rarity presents itself. 

It is reprinted, as faithfully as the altered manners of our timepermit, with a Preface by John Harvey, who attributes the work to theindustrious and sometimes brilliant Mrs Aphra Behn, a discovery whichthe Navarre Society believe to be well grounded. They hope that theissue of the book to their subscribers may help to confirm or refutethat lady's responsibility for so graceless an attack upon her sex. Whether she did or did not write it, the fact remains that a work sovividly representative of Restoration life and literature is rescuedfrom the obscurity to which its scarceness has hitherto condemned itand worthily preserved for scholars and amateurs of the future. 

 * * * * *

 THE TEN

 PLEASURES

 OF

 MARRIAGE. 

 * * * * *

THE TEN

PLEASURES

OF

MARRIAGE, _Relating_

All the delights and contentments that are mask'd under the bands ofMatrimony. 

Written by A. MARSH, Typogr. 

LONDON, Printed in the Year, 1682. 

 * * * * *

TO THE READER. 

Courteous Reader, _This small Treatise which I here present unto thee is the fruit ofsome spare hours, that my cogitations, after they had been for a smalltime, between whiles, hovering to and fro in the Air, came fluttringdown again, still pitching upon the subject of the Ten Pleasures ofMarriage, in each of which I hope thou wilt find somthing worthy ofthy acceptance, because I am sure 'tis matter of such nature as hathnever before been extant, and especially in such a method; neithercanst thou well expect it to be drest up in any thing of nice and neatwords, as other subjects may be, but only to be clad in plain habitmost fit for the humour of the Fancy. If I perceive that it pleasethee, and is not roughly or unkindly dealt withall; nor brain'd in theNativity, to spoil its generation of a further product, it willincourage me to proceed upon a second part, some say of the same_Tune, _but I mean to the same_ Purpose, _and apparelled very near thesame dress: In the mean time, with hopes that thou wilt be kind tothis, and give it a gentle reception, from him who is thine. Farewell. _

 * * * * *

THE TEN PLEASURES OF MARRIAGE. 

The Nuptial estate trailing along with it so many cares, troubles &calamities, it is one of the greatest admirations, that people shouldbe so earnest and desirous to enter themselves into it. In the youngersort who by their sulphurous instinct, are subject to the ticklingdesires of nature, and look upon that thing called Love through amultiplying glass, it is somewhat pardonable: But that those who areonce come to the years of knowledge and true understanding should bedrawn into it, methinks is most vilely foolish, and morrice foolescaps were much fitter for them, then wreaths of Lawrel. Yet strangerit is, that those who have been for the first time in that horribleestate, do, by a decease, cast themselves in again to a second andthird time. Truly, if for once any one be through contraryimaginations misled, he may expect some hopes of compassion, andalledge some reasons to excuse himself: but what comfort, orcompassion can they look for, that have thrown themselves in a secondand third time? they were happy, if they could keep their lips fromspeaking, and ty their tongues from complaining, that their miseriesmight not be more and more burdened with scoffings which they trulymerit. 

And tho not only the real truth of this, but ten times more, is aswell known to every one, as the Sun shine at noon day; nevertheless wesee them run into it with such an earnestness, that they are not to becounselled, or kept back from it, with the strength of _Hercules_;despising their golden liberty, for chains of horrid slavery. 

But we see the bravest sparks, in the very blossoming of their youth, how they decay? First, Gentleman-like, they take pleasure in allmanner of noble exercises, as in keeping time all dancing, singing ofmusick, playing upon instruments, speaking of several languages, studying at the best Universities, and conversing with the learnedstDoctors, &c. Or else we see them, before they are half perfect in anyexercise, like carl-cats in March run mewing and yawling at the doorsof young Gentlewomen; and if any of those have but a small matter ofmore then ordinary beauty, (which perhaps is gotten by the help of adamn'd bewitched pot of paint) she is immediately ador'd like a Saintupon an Altar: And in an instant there is as much beauty andperfection to be seen in her, as ever Juno, Venus and Pallas possessedall together. 

And herewith those Gentile Pleasures, that have cost their Parents somuch money, and them so much labour and time are kickt away, andtotally abandoned that they may keep company with a painted Jezebel. They are then hardly arrived at this intitled happiness, but they mustbegin to chaw upon the bitter shell of that nut, the kernel whereof, without sighing, they cannot tast; having no sooner obtained access tothe Lady, but are as suddenly possest with thousands of thoughts whatthey shall do to please the Sweet object. Being therewith sotosticated, that all their other business is dispersed, and totallylaid aside. This is observable not only in youth of the first degree, but also in persons that have received promotion. 

For if he be a Theologue, his books drop out of his hands, and lystragling about his study, even as his sences do, one among another. And if you hear him preach, his whole Sermon is nothing but of Love, which he then turns & winds to Divinity as far as possible it can befitted. 

If it be a Doctor of Physick, oh! he has so much work with his ownsicknes, that he absolutely forgets all his Patients, though some ofthem were lying at deaths dore; and lets the Chyrurgian, whom he hadappointed certainly to meet there, tarry to no purpose, taking nomore notice of his Patients misery, and the peril of his wounds, thenif it did not concern him. But if at last he doth come, it is when thewound's festered, the Ague in the blood, or that the body isincurable. So far was he concern'd in looking after that Love-apple, or Night-shadow, for the cure of his own burning distemper. 

If he be a Counsellor, his whole brain is so much puzzel'd how tobegin and pursue the Process for the obtaining his Mistress inMarriage; that all other suits tho they be to the great detriment ofpoor Widows and Orphans are laid aside, and wholly rejected. Thenbeing desired by his Clients to meet them at anyplace, and to give hisadvice concerning the cause, he hath had such earnest business withhis Mistress, that he comes an hour or two later then was appointed. But coming at last, one half of the time that can be spent, is littleenough to make Mr. Counsellor understand in what state the cause stoodat the last meeting. And then having heard what the Plaintif andDefendant do say, he only tells them, I must have clearer evidences, the accounts better adjusted, and your demand in writing, before I canmake any decision of this cause to both your satisfactions. 

There they stand then, and look one upon another, not daring to sayotherwise, but _'tis very well Sir, we will make them all readyagainst the next meeting_; and are, with grief at heart, forced tosee as much and sometimes more expences made at the meeting, as thewhole concern of their debate amounted to. Then it is, come let's nowdiscourse of matters of state, and drink a glass about to the healthof the King & the prosperity of our Country and all the inhabitants;which is done only to the purpose, that coming to his Mistress, he mayboastingly say, my dear, just now at a meeting we remembered you in aglass, & I'l swear the least drop of it was so delicious to me, asever _Nectar_ and _Ambrose_ could be, that the Poets so highlycommend. 

If Counsellors, and other learned men, that are in love, do thus; whatcan the unlearned Notary's do less? Even nothing else, but when theyare writing, scribble up a multiplicity of several words, unnecessaryclauses, and make long periods; not so much as touching or mentioningthe principal business; and if he does, writes it clear contrary tothe intent of the party concern'd: By that means making both Wills andother Deeds in such a manner, that the end agrees not with thebeginning, nor the middle with either. Which occasions betweenfriends, near relations, and neighbors, great differences, and animplacable hatred; forcing thereby the monies of innocent andself-necessitated people, into the Pockets of Counsellors andAttorneys. 

And alas the diligent Merchant, when he has gotten the least smatch ofthis frensie, his head runs so much upon wheels, that he dailyneglects his Change-time; forgets his Bils of exchange; and is alwaiesa Post or two behind hand with his Letters: So that he knows not whatMerchandises rise or fall, or what commodities are arrived orexpected. And by this means buies in Wares, at such rates, that in fewdaies he loses 20, yea sometimes 30 per cent. By them. Nay, thisdistemper is so hot in his head, that thereby he Ships his goods in aVessel, where the Master and his Mate are for the most part drunk, andwho hardly thrice in ten times make a good voyage. 

And who knows not how miserable that City and Country is, when amilitary person happens to ly sick in this Hospital. If he be inGarison, he doth nothing but trick up himself, walk along the streets, flatter his Mistress, and vaunt of his knowledge and Warlike deeds;though he scarce understands the exercising of his Arms, I will notmention encamping in a Field, Fortification, the forming of Batalions, and a great deal more that belongs to him. 

And coming into Campagne; alas this wicked Love-ague continues withhim; and runs so through his blood, that both the open air, and widefields are too narrow for him. Yea and tho he formerly had (especiallyby his Mistris) the name of behaving himself like a second Mars; yetnow he'l play the sick-hearted, (I dare not say the faint-hearted) tothe end he may, having put on his fine knotted Scarf, and powderedPeriwig, only go to shew himself to that adorable Babe, his LadyVenus, Leaving oftentimes a desperate siege, and important Stateaffairs, to accompany a lame, squint-ey'd, and crook-back'd_Jeronimo_. 

And if, by favour or recommandation, he happen to be intrusted withany strong City or Fort that is besieged, he's presently in fear ofhis own Bom, and practises all sorts of waies and means how he shallbest make a capitulation, that so leaving the place, he may go againto his fair one. 

And alas, what doth not the Master of a Ship, and his Mate hazard, when they are sick of this malady? What terrible colds, and roaringseas doth he not undergo, through an intemperate desire that he hathto be with his nittebritch'd Peggy? How often doth he hazard hisOwners Ship, the Merchants Goods, and his own life, for an inconstantdraggle-tail; that perhaps before he has been three daies at Sea, hathdrawn her affection from him, and given promise to another? Yetnevertheless, tho the raging Waves run upon the Ship, and fly over hishead, he withstands it all. Nor is the main Ocean, or blustering_Boreas_, powerfull enough, to cool his raging fire, and drive thosedamps out of his brain. The tempestuousness of the weather, havingdriven him far out of his course; his only wishes and prayer is, oh, that he might be so happy, but for a moment to see his Beacon, thosetwinkling eys of his dearly beloved Margery Mussel! Then all thingswould be well enough! Tho he and all that are with him, wereimmediately Shipwrackt, and made a prey for the Fishes. And if, unexpectedly, fortune so favour him, that he happens to see the Coast, oh, he cannot tarry for the Pilot! but tho it be misty weather, and hehoodwink'd by Venus, still he sails forward, running all in danger, that before was so far preserved. 

And if the Shop-keeper once sets foot into this destructiveWilderness, he doth nothing less then look to his shop, and wait uponhis Customers. Spending most part of his time in finical dressinghimself, to accompany his Mistriss, and with a Coach or Pair of Oarsto do her all manner of caresses. Then his whole discourse is, withwhat good custom he is blest above others; but seldom saies, that withwaiting upon his Lady, and by indeavouring to please her above allthings, how miserably he neglects it, by which means, shop's not onlyfound without a Master, but the servants without government. And atNew-year, the day-book is not written fair over; and if any bodydesires their reckoning, the squire is so full of business, that hecan't spare half an hour to write it out: For where he goes, where hestands, what he thinks, what he does, all his cogitations are imploi'dto think how delicious it is to press those soft lips of his beloved, and then out of an unfeigned heart to be lov'd again, sometimesreceiving a kiss. Thus he idles away all his time, and all hisbusiness with his sences runs a wool-gathering. 

To be short, let it be what sort of person it will, they no soonertouch the shell of this Marriage-nut, but before they can come to tastthe kernel they look for; they feel nothing else then thorns andbriars of sorrow and misery. If there be any one that thinks he isgotten a footstep further then another, in the favour of his Mistriss, and that in time he questions not th' obtaining his desired happiness;immediately, that imagined joy, is crush'd with an insuing despair;being presently molested with a fear, that Father, Mother, Uncle, orTutor will not like his person, or that he has not means enough; orelse either they, or the Gentlewoman, will make choice of another inhis place. Or, if he sees another have access to the Lady as well ashimself, at the same moment he's possessed with jealousie, and falls apondering how he shall make this Rival odious in the eys of her. Andif the other get any advantage of him; then he challenges him tofight; hazarding in that manner his precious life, for the getting ofher, who when he had her, would perhaps, occasion him a thousandtorments of death and misery. Pray observe what pleasures thisintroduction imparts unto us; alas, what may we then expect from themarriage it self?

Really, those that will take this into due consideration, who wouldnot but curse the Gentlewoman that draws him into such a ragingmadness? yet Lovers go forward, and please your selves with thisimagined happiness; but know, that if according to your hope, youobtain her for a Bride, that at the least you must expect a sence andfeeling of the Ten insuing Pleasures. 

 * * * * *

[Illustration: Folio 10. _Published by the Navarre Society, London. _]

THE FIRST PLEASURE. 

_The Consent is given, the Match concluded, and the Wedding kept. _

Now, O Lover, till this time you have been indeavouring, slaving, turmoiling, sighing, groaning, hoping and begging to get from thoseslow and tardy lips, that long-wish'd for word of Consent; you havealso sent many messengers to your Mistriss, to her Parents and Tutors, who were as able to express themselves as the best Orators, but couldobtain nothing; yet at last that long desired Word, is once descendedby the Draw-bridge of her lips, like a rich cordial upon yourlanguishing heart. You have vanquish'd all your Rivals. Oh who canimagine your joy! What you think, or what you do, still your thoughtsglance upon your happiness! your Mistriss now will be willing; denialsare laid aside: only ther's a little shame and fear, which canot of asudden be so totally forgotten, because the marriage is not yetconcluded. Well, O Lover, who could desire a greater happiness thenyou now possess! For what you will, she will also: and what shedesires, is all your pleasure. You may now tumble in a bed of Lilliesand Roses; for all sour looks, are turn'd to sweet smiles, and shethat used to thrust you from her, pulls you now every foot to her. Yea, those snow-white breasts, which before you durst scarce touchwith your little finger; you may now, without asking leave, grasp bywhole handfuls. Certainly, they that at full view, consider all thisrightly; who can doubt but that you are the happiest man in the World?O unspeakable pleasure!

But, O triumphant Lover, let not however your joyfull mind run toomuch upon these glistering things: be a little moderate in yourdesired pleasures, if it might happen that there come somecross-grain'd obstructions; for I have oftentimes seen, that all thosesuspected roses, come forth with many pricking thorns; insomuch thatthe mouth which at first was saluted with so many thousand kisses, andappear'd as if it had been cover'd with the dew of heaven; wascompared to be the jaws of _Cerberus_. And those breasts, which beforewere the curded _Nacter_-hills, and called the Banket of the Gods, Ihave seen despised to be like stinking Cows-Udders, I, and call'dworse names to boot. Be therefore, (I say) somewhat moderate andprudent, for fear it might happen that the prices of this market mightfall very suddenly, though perhaps not so horribly. 

Nevertheless you have great reason to be merry, for this week, 'tishop'd there'l be a meeting to close up the match; and it is requisite, that you should go unto all the friends, that must be present at themeeting, to hear when their occasions will permit them, and what dayand hour they will appoint to set upon the business, herewith you havework to traverse the City, and who knows whether you'l find half ofthem at home. And then those that you do find, one is ready to day, another to morrow, a third next day, or in the next week. So that bythis first Pleasure, you have also a little feeling of the firsttrouble. Which, if you rightly consider, is to your advantage, becauseyou may the better use your self to the following. And of how greaterState and Quality the person is whom you have chosen, so accordinglythis trouble generally happens to be more. 

But the mirth increases abundantly; when, after your indeavours, troubles and turmoils, you finally see all the friends met together, and you doubt not but the match will be closed and agreed upon. But behere also a little moderate in your mirth, because oftentimes thefriends handle this matter like a bargaining; and will lay the monybags of each side in a balance, as you may see by the Plate. 

In the mean while you may be kissing and slabbering of your Mistris inthe next room; or contriving what's to be done about the marriage, andkeeping of the Wedding; but perhaps, through the discord of thefriends, it will not be long before you are disturb'd; the differencesoft rising so high, that the sound thereof, clatters through theWalls, into the ears of the Lovers. For many times the Portion of oneis too great, and what's given with the other is too little; or thatthe Parents of the Bridegroom, promise too little with their Son; andthe Brides Parents will give too little with their Daughter. Or elsethat by some subtle Contract of Matrimony, they indeavour to make thegoods of each side disinheritable, &c. So that it appears among thefriends, as if there could be nothing don in the matter. 

And in plain truth, the Parents and friends, who know very well thatit is not all hony in the married estate; see oftentimes that it werebetter for these two to remain unmarried, then to bring each otherinto misery; and can find no grounds or reasons, but rather todisswade then perswade the young folks to a marriage. 

But tho, on each side, they use never such powerfull arguments, tothe young people, 'tis to no purpose; for there's fire in the flax, and go how it will, it must be quencht. For the maid thinks, if thismatch should be broke, who knows but that all the freedom that we havehad with one another, might come to be spread abroad, and then I amruined for ever. And the young man, seeing that his Mistris is soconstant to him, not hearkning to the advice of her friends, is sostruck to the heart with such fiery flames of love, that he's resolvednever to leave her, tho he might feed upon bread and water, or go abegging with her: So, that he saies, Bargain by the Contract ofMatrimony for what you will, nay tho you would write Hell andDamnation, I am contented, and resolve to sign it: but thinking byhimself, with a Will all this may be broken, and new made again:hardly beleeving, that this fair weather, should be darkned with blackclouds; or that this splendent Serenissimo, would be obstructed byEclipses. 

But finally, there comes an appearance of the desired pleasure; forthe knot is tied, and the Publick Notary doth at large and verycircumstantially write the Contract of Matrimony, which is signed byboth parties. Oh Heavens! this is a burthen from my heart, and aMilstone removed out of the way. Here's now right matter for more thenordinary mirth; all the friends wish the young couple much joy; aboutgoes a health, the good success of the marriage, and every one wishingthem tubs full of blessings, and houses full of prosperity, _If ev'ry one that wish, did half but give, How richly this young couple, then might live. _

Yet it e'en helps as much as it will; if they get nothing, they losenothing by it. And thinking by themselves, you'l in time see what itproduces. Then if there be but one among them who is talkative, andthat by drinking merrily the good success of the approaching marriage, his tongue begins to run; he relates what hapned to him at the closingof his marriage, keeping of his wedding, and in his married estate;and commonly the conclusion of his discourse is, that he thought atfirst he had the World at will; but then there came this, and thenthat, and a thousand other vexatious things, which continually, or forthe most part of the time with great grief and trouble had kept him somuch backward, that it was long before he could get forward in theWorld. 

Well, M^{r}. Bridegroom, you may freely tickle your fancy to the top, and rejoice superabundantly, that the Match is concluded; & you havenow gotten your legs into the stocks, and your arms into such desiredfor Fetters, that nothing but death it self can unloosen them. 

And you, M^{rs}. Bride, who look so prettily, with such a smirkingcountenance; be you merry, you are the Bride; yea the Bride thatoccasions all this tripping and dansing; now you shall have a husbandtoo, a Protector, who will hug and imbrace you, and somtimes tumbleand rumble you, and oftimes approach to you with a morning salutation, that will comfort the very cockles of your heart. He will (if allfalls out well) be your comforter, your company-keeper, yourcare-taker, your Gentleman-Usher; nay all what your heart wish for, orthe Heavens grant unto you. He'l be your Doctor to cure yourpalefac'dness, your pains in the reins of your back, and at yourheart, and all other distempers whatsoever. He will also wipe of allyour tears with kisses; and you shall not dream of that thing in thenight, but he'l let it be made for you by day. And may not then yourBride-maids ask, why should not you be merry?

But alas you harmless Dove, that think you are going into Paradice;pray tell me, when you were going to sign the Contract of marriage, what was the reason that you alter'd so mightily, & that your handshook so? Verily, though I am no Astronomer, or caster of Figures; yetnevertheless me-thought it was none of the best signs; and that onemight already begin to make a strange Prognostication from it; theevents whereof would be more certain then any thing that _Lilly_ orany other Almanack maker ever writ. But we'l let that alone, for in ashort time it will discover it self. 

Therefore, Mistress Bride, make you merry, and since you have gottenyour desire to be the Bride before any of your Bridemaids; it would beunreasonable that you should be troubled now with any other business. And indeed here's work enough for the ordering of things that you musttrouble your head with; for the Brides Apparel must be made, and theStufs, laces, lining, cuffs, and many other things are yet to bebought. Well, who can see an end of all your business! There's onepiece of stuf is too light, and another too dark; the third looks dulland hath no gloss. And see here's three or four daies gon, and littleor nothing bought yet. 

And the worst of all is, that whil'st you are thus busie incontriving, ordering and looking upon things, you are every momenthindered, & taken off from it, with a continual knocking at the doreto sollicite one to deliver all sorts of Comfits, another to deliverthe ornaments for the Brides Garland, Flowers, &c, a third to be Cook, & Pastryman, & so many more, which come one after another thunderingso at the door, that it is one bodies work to let them in, and carrytheir message to the Bride. 

Oh, call the Bride, time will deceive us! The Semstress, Gorget-maker, and Starcher, must be sent for, and the linnen must be bought &ordered for the Bridegrooms shirts, the Brides smocks, Cuffs, Bands;and handkerchifs; & do but see, the day is at an end again: my brainsare almost addle, and nothing goes forward: For M^{rs}. Smug said shewould bring linnen, and M^{rs}. Smooth laces, but neither of them bothare yet come. Run now men and maids as if the Devil were in you; andcomfort your selves, that the Bride will reward you liberally for yourpains. 

Well, M^{rs}. Bride, how's your head so out of order! might not younow do (as once a Schoolmaster did) hang out the sign of a troubledpate with a Crown upon it? How glad you'l be when this confusion isonce over? could you ever have thought that there was so much work tobe found in it? But comfort your self therewith, that for these fewtroublesom daies, you'l have many pleasant nights. And it is not yourcase alone, to be in all this trouble, for the Bridegroom is runningup and down like a dog, in taking care that the Banns of Matrimony maybe proclaim'd. And now he's a running to and again through the City, to see if he can get Bridemen to his mind, that are capacitated toentertain the Bridemaids and Gentlewomen with pretty discourses, waiting upon them, & to make mirth & pleasure for them and the rest ofthe Company. Besides that he's taking care for the getting of somegood _Canary_, _Rhenish_ & _French_ Wines, that those friends whichcome to wish the Bride and Bridegroom much joy, may be presented witha delicate glass of Wine. And principally, that those who are busieabout the Brides adornments, may tast the Brides tears. 

But really friends, if you come to tast the Brides tears now, 'tis agreat while too soon: But if you'l have of the right and unfeignedones, you must come some months hence. 

O Bridegroom, who can but pitty you, that you must thus toil, moil, and run up and down, and the Jeweller and you have just now mist oneanother; he is doubtless chatting with the Bride, and shewing of hersome costly Jewels, which perhaps dislike her ne'r a whit the worse;and what she has then a mind to, you'l find work enough to disswadeher from, let them cost what they will; for she'l let you take carefor that. And it is time enough to be considered on, when the weddingsover. For now you have as much work as you can turn your self to, ingetting all your things in a readiness from the Tailor, Semstress, andHaberdasher. And herewith, alas, you'l find that oftentimes two orthree weeks are consumed in this sort of business, with the greatestslavery imaginable. 

Yet, M^{r}. Bridegroom, for all these troubles, you may expect thisreward, to have the pleasure of the best place in the Chancel, with agolden Tapistry laid before you, and for your honour the Organsplaying. The going with a Coach to marry at a Country Town, has nothalf so much grace, and will not at all please the Bride: it istherefore requisite to consult with the friends on both sides, whoshall be invited to the wedding, and who not. For it seldom happens, but there is one broil or another about it; and that's no sooner don, but there arises a new quarrel, to consider, how richly or frugallythe Guests shall be treated; for they would come off with credit andlittle charge. To this is required the advice of a steward, because itis their daily work. And he for favour of the Cook, Pasterer, andPoulterer (reaping oftentimes his own benefit by it) orders all thingsso liberally as he can make the people beleeve that is requisite. Andthe Bride thinks, the nobler it is, the better I like it, for I am butonce the Bride. But this matter being dispatcht, there's anotherconsideration to be taken in hand, to know how the Bride & Bridegroomsfriends shall be plac'd at the Table, the ordering whereof, many timescauses such great disputes, that if they had known it before, theywould rather have kept no Wedding. In somuch that the Bridegroom andthe Bride, with sighing, say to one another, alas, what a thick shellthis marriage nut hath, before one can come to the kernel of it. ButBridegroom to drive these damps out of your brain, there's no betterremedy then to go along with your Bridemen to tast the Wedding wine;for there must be sure care taken that it may be of a delicate tastand relish; Because that which was laid in before, was not sodelicious as is required for such a noble Wedding, where there will beso many curious tasters. Ha! riva! Look to't Bride and Bridemaids, youmay now expect a jolly Bridegroom and Bridemen, for the Wine-Merchantis such a noble blade, that none of them all shall escape him, beforethey have drunk as many Glasses, as there are hoops upon the Wine-caskthat they tasted of. 

Adieu all care! the Wedding is at hand, who thinks now of any thingbut superfluity of mirth? Away with all these whining, pining Carpers, who are constantly talking & prating that the married estate bringsnothing but care and sorrow with it; here, to the contrary, they maysee how all minds & intentions are knit together, to consume and passaway these daies with the most superabounding pleasures. Away withsorrow. 'Tis not invited to be among the Wedding guests. Noct there isnothing else to be thought on, but to help these Lovers that they mayenjoy the kernel of the first pleasure of their marriage. 

But really, there's poor Mally the maid, is almost dead with longing, and thinks her very heart in pieces, scarcely knowing when the firstWedding-night will be ended, that she might carry up some water to theyoung couple, and have a feeling of those liberal gifts that she shallreceive from the Bridegroom and the Bride, for all her attendance, running and turmoiling. And her thoughts are, that no body hasdeserved it better, for by night and by day she waited upon them, andwas very diligent and faithfull in conveyance of their Love-Letters;but all upon fair promises, having carried her self in the time oftheir wooing almost like a Bawd to the Bride; for which she never hadin all the time but three gratuities from the Bridegroom, _And now the Bride is in the bed, The former promises are dead. _

Make your self merry amongst the rest of the Wedding guests, so far asis becoming you: who knows, but that some brave Gentlemans man, Coachman, or neighbors servant, may fall in love with you; for manytimes out of one Wedding comes another, and then you might come to bea woman of good fashion. Udsbud Mally! then you would know, as well asyour Mistress, what delights are to be had in the first Wedding night. Then you would also know how to discourse of the first Pleasure ofmarriage, and with the Bride expect the second. 

 * * * * *

THE SECOND PLEASURE. 

_The Woman goes to buy houshold-stuf. The unthankfulness of some ofthe Wedding-guests, and thankfulness of others. _<

Well, young married people, how glad you must needs be, now theWedding's over, and all that noise is at an end? You may now ly andsleep till the day be far spent! And not only rest your selvesquietly; but, to your desires, in the Art of Love, shew one anotherthe exercise and handling of Venus Weapons. 

Now you may practise an hundred delicious things to please yourappetites, & do as many Hocus Pocus tricks more. Now you may outdo_Aretin_, and all her light Companions, in all their several postures. Now you may rejoice in the sweet remembrance, how sumptuous that youwere, in Apparel, meat and drink, and all other ornaments that my Lady_Bride_, and Madam _Spend-all_, first invented and brought inpractice. Now you may tickle your fancies with the pleasures that wereused there, by dansing, maskerading, Fire-works, playing uponInstruments, singing, leaping, and all other sort of gambals, thatyouth being back'd with Bacchus strength uses either for mirth orwantonness. 

[Illustration: Folio 30. _Published by The Navarre Society, London. _]

O how merry they were all of 'em! And how deliciously were all thedishes dress'd and garnisht! What a credit this will be for the Cookand Steward! Indeed there was nothing upon the Table but it was Noble, and the Wine was commended by every one. They have all eatengallantly, & drunk deliciously. Well, this is now a pleasantremembrance. 

And you, O young Woman, you are now both Wife and Mistris your self;you are now wrested out of the command of your grinning and snarlingnarrow-soul'd Tutors (those hellish Curmugions) now you may freely, without controul, do all what you have a mind to; and receivetherewith the friendly imbracings, and kind salutes of your bestbeloved. Verily this must needs be a surpassing mirth. 

And you, O new made husband, how tumble you now in wantonness! howwillingly doth liberal Venus her self, open her fairest Orchard foryou! Oh you have a pleasure, that those which never tried, can in theleast comprehend. 

Well, make good use of your time, and take the full scope of yourdesires, in the pleasant clasping and caressing of those tender limbs;for after some few daies, it may be hungry care will come and openthe Curtains of your bed; and at a distance shew you what reckoningsyou are to expect from the Jeweller, Gold-smith, Silk-man, Linnen-Draper, Vinter, Cook and others. 

But on the t'other side again, you shall have the pleasure to hearyour young Wife every moment sweetly discoursing that she must go withher Sister and her Aunt to buy houshold-stuf, Down-beds, dainty Plushand quilted Coverlets, with costly Hangings must be bought: And thenshe will read to you, her new made Husband, such a stately Register, that both your joy of heart, and jingling purse shall have afellouw-feeling of it. 

For your Sweetest speaks of large Venetian Looking-glasses, Chiny-ware, Plush Chairs, Turkish Tapistry, Golden Leather, richPictures, a Service of Plate, a Sakerdan Press, an Ebbony Tabel, acurious Cabinet and child-bed Linnen cupboard, several Webs forNapkins and Tabel-cloaths, fine and course linnen, Flanders laces, anda thousand other things must be bought, too long to be here related:For other things also that concern the furnishing of the house, theyincrease every day fresh in the brains of these loving and prudentWives. 

And when the Wife walks out, she must either have the Maid, or atleast the Semstress, along with her; then neighbour John, that goodcarefull labourer, must follow them softly with his wheel-barrow, that the things, which are bought, may be carefully and immediatelybrought home. 

And at all this, good Man, you must make no wry faces, but be pleasantand merry; for they are needfull in house-keeping, you cannot bewithout them; and that mony must alwaies be certainly ready, get itwhere you will. Then, saies the Wife, all this, at least, there mustneeds be, if we will have any people of fashion come into our house. 

You know your Beloved hath also some Egs to fry, and did bring you agood Portion, though it consist in immovable Goods, as in Houses, Orchards, and Lands that be oftentimes in another Shire. Thither youmay go then, with your Hony, twice a year, for the refreshing of yourspirits, and taking your pleasure to receive the House-rents, fruitsof the Orchards, and revenues of the Lands. Here every one salutes youwith the name of Landlord; and, according to their Country fashion, indeavour to receive you with all civilities and kind entertainment. If, with their Hay-cart, you have a mind to go and look upon the Land, and to be a participator of those sort of pleasures; or to eat somenew Curds, Cream, Gammon of Bacon, and ripe Fruits, all these things;in place of mony, shall be willingly and neatly disht up to you. 

For here you'l meet with complaints, that by the War the Houses areburnt, the Orchards destroied, and the growth of the Fields spoiled!therefore it is not fit that you should trouble the poor people, butthink, this is the use, custom, and fruits of War. If the Impositionsand Taxes run high, the Country Farmer can't help that; you know thatthe War costs mony, and it must be given, or else we should lose all. 

At such a time as this, your only mirth must be; that, through thisgallant marriage, you are now Lord of so many acres of Land, so manyOrchards, and of so many dainty Houses and Land. If your mony bagsdon't much increase by it at present, but rather lessen, that most nowaies cloud your mirth. Would you trouble your self at such trivialthings, you'd have work enough daily. We cannot have all things so toour minds in this World. For if you had your Wives Portion down inready mony, you'd have been at a stand again, where, without danger, you should have put it out at interest; fearing that they might playBankrupt with it. Houses and Lands are alwaies fast, and they will paywell, when the War is done. 

Therefore you must drive these vapors out of your head, and make yourself merry, with the hearing that your friends commend theentertainment they have had to the highest; and that two or threedaies hence; the merry Bridemen and Bridemaids, with some of thenearest acquaintance, will come _a la grandissimo_ to give you thanksfor all the respect & civilities that you have so liberally bestowedupon them; which will be done then with such a friendly andaffectionate heart, that it will be impossible for you, but you mustinvite them again to come and sup with you in the evening, and so makean addition to the former Pleasure; by which means pleasantness, mirth, and friendship, is planted and advanced among all the friendsand acquaintance. 

'Tis true, you'l be sure to hear that there were some at the Weddingwho were displeased, for not being entertained according to theirexpectations; and because their Uncle, a new married Niece, and someother friends were not seated in their right places; that M^{rs}. _Leonora_ had a jole-pate to wait upon her; and M^{r}. _Philip_ an old_Beldam_; M^{r}. _Timothy_ was forced to wait upon a youngsnotty-nose; and that Squire _Neefer_ could not sit easily, andM^{rs}. _Betty's_ Gorget was rumbled; and that _Mal_, and _PegStones_, and _Dol Dirty-buttocks_, were almost throng'd in pieces; andcould hardly get any of the Sweetmeats; but you must not at all betroubled with this, for 'tis a hard matter to please every body. 'Tisenough that you have been at such a vast charge, and presented themwith your Feast. 

Truly, they ought to have been contented & thankfull to the highestdegree; and what they are unsatisfied with needed not to have cost youso much mony; for if you had left them all at home, you could havehad no worse reward, but a great deal less charge. Comfort your selfwith this, that when it happens again, you will not buy ingratitude atso high a rate. 'Tis much better to invite them at two or threeseveral times before hand, and entertain them with a merry glass ofWine, up and away; and then invite a small company which are better togovern and satisfied. 

'Tis a great deal more pleasure for you, to see your Wives friendsanimate one another, to come, a fortnight after the Wedding, andsurprize you; with shewing their thankfulness and satisfaction for therespect they have received from you; and that they are alwaiesdesirous to cultivate the friendship, by now and then coming to giveyou a visit. 

This is here again a new joy! and as long as you keep open Table andCellar for them, that reception will keep all discontent from growingamong them. Yes, and it will please your Wife too, extraordinary well. 

And by thus doing, you will not be subject to (as many other men are)your Wives maundring that you entertained her friends so hungrily andunhandsomly; but, for this, you shall be both by her, and her friends, beloved and commended in the highest degree: Yea it will be anincouragement that they in the same manner, will entertain yourfriends like an Angel, and be alwaies seeking to keep a faircorrespondence among them. So that in the Summer time, for anafternoons collation you'l see a Fruit-dish of Grapes, Nuts, andPeaches prepared for you; which cold Fruits must then be warm'd with agood glass of Wine. And in the Winter, to please your appetite, a dishof Pancakes, Fritters, or a barrel of Oisters; but none of theseneither will be agreeable without a delicate glass of Wine. Ohquintessence of all mirth! Who could not but wish to get such Aunts, such Cousins, & such Bridemen and Bridemaids in their marriage?

Therefore, if you meet with one or t'other of your Cousins, press himto go home with you, to refresh himself with a glass of Wine; O itwill be extreamly pleasing to your Wife, and a double respect paid tohim; because you bring him to a collation among other Cousins, andpretty Gentlewomen, where the knot of friendship and familiarity isrenewed and faster twisted. And who knows, if you bring in aBatchelor, but there may perhaps arise a new marriage, which would beextraordinarily pleasing to your Wife; for there is nothing moreagreeable to the female sex, then that they may be instrumental inhelping their Bridemaids to husbands. And thus you will see a doubleincrease of your Minions, and your Wife get more friends to accompanyher, and drive fancies out of her head. 

If your Wife should fail in her choice of houshold-stuff, and othersort of those appurtenances; doubt not but these will be prudentSchool-Mistresses for her, if she be unexperienc'd, to counsel andadvise her to buy of the richest and newest mode, and what will beneatest, and where to be bought. Oh these are so skilfull in the artof ordring things, that you need not dispute with your Wife about thehanging of a Picture above the Chimney-mantel! for they'l presentlysay, there's nothing better in that place then large China dishes; andthat Bed-stead must be taken down, and another set up in the placewith curious Curtains and Vallians, and Daslles: And thus, they willdeliver themselves, like a Court full of wise Counsellors, for thepleasure and instruction of your Beloved. Well, what could you wishfor more? D'ye talk of mony? Pish, that's stamp'd with hammers: giveit liberally; the good Woman knows how and where to lay it out. Ifthere be but little mony by the hand; be silent of that, it mighthappen to disturb your Dear, and who knows wherein it may do her harm. It is not the fashion that Women, especially young married ones, should take care for that. 'Tis care enough for her, if she contriveand consider what must be bought, and what things will be mostsuitable together. For this care is so great, that she never wakens inthe night, but she thinks on't; yea it costs her many an hours rest;therefore ought not to be so lightly esteemed. 

And now, O young husband, since you are come to the first step of theSchool to exercise your patience; it is not fit that you shouldalready begin to grumble and talk how needfull it is to be sparing andthrifty; that Merchandising and trading is mighty dead; that monies isnot to be got in; and that here and there reckonings and bills must bepaid: O no! you must be silent, tho you should burst with discontent. For herewith, perhaps, the whole house would be out of order; and youmight get for an answer, How! have I married then a pittifull poorBridegroom? This would be sad to hear. 

Go therefore to School by _Pythagoras_ to learn silence; and to lookupon all things in the beginning with patience; to let your Wife doher own pleasure; and to mix hony with your words. Then you shallpossess the quintessence of this Pleasure fully, and with joyfullsteps enter upon the folowing. 

 * * * * *

THE THIRD PLEASURE. 

_The young couple walk daily abroad, being entertained and treated byall their friends and acquaintance; and then travell into the Countryfor their pleasure. _

If it be true that there is a Mountain of Mirth and pleasure for youngmarried people to ascend unto, these are certainly the finest andsmoothest conductors to it; that, because it was impossible to inviteevery one to the Wedding, this sweet _Venus_ must be led abroad, andshewed to all her husbands friends & acquaintance: yea, all the Worldmust see what a pretty couple they are, and how handsomly they agreetogether. To which end they trick and prick themselves daily up intheir best apparel; garnishing both the whole city and streets withtatling and pratling; & staring into the houses of all theiracquaintance to see whether they are looked at. 

[Illustration: Folio 52. _Published by The Navarre Society, London. _]

Do but see what a mighty and surpassing mirth! for they hardly can goten or twelve furlongs but they constantly meet and are saluted bysome of their acquaintance, wishing them all health, happiness andprosperity; or by others invited to come in, and are treated accordingas occasion presents, wishing them also much joy in their marriedestate; Yea the great Bowl is rins'd, and about goes a brimmer to thegood prosperity of the young couple. Well, thinks the young woman, what a vast difference there is between being a married woman & amaid! How every one receives & treats you! What respect and honourevery one shews you! How you go daily in all your gallantry takingpleasure! And how every where you are fawn'd upon, imbrac'd and kist, receiving all manner of friendship! It is no wonder that all womankindare so desirous of marriage, and no sooner lose their first husbands, but they think immediately how to get a second? Oh, saith she, what afulness of joy there is in the married estate, by Virginity! I resolvetherefore to think also upon my Bridemaids, and to recommend themwhere ever there is occasion. 

And this is the least yet, do but see! what for greater pleasure! forevery foot you are invited out here & there to a new treat, that isoft-times as noble and as gallant as the Wedding was, and are plac'dalwaies at the upper end of the Table. If next day you be but a littledrousie, or that the head akes; the husband knows a present remedy tosettle the brain; and the first thing he saith, is, Come lets go tosee Master or Mistriss such a one, and walk out of Town to refresh ourselves, or else go and take the air upon the _Thames_ with a Pair ofOars. Here is such a fresh mirth again that all _Lambeth_, the_Bankside_, and _Southwark_ shakes with it. Oh that _Apollo_ would butdrive his horses slowly, that the day might be three hours longer; forit is too soon to depart, and that for fear of a pocky setting of theWatch. So that its every day Fair-time. Well, who is so blind that hecannot see the abundant pleasures of marriage?

To this again, no sooner has the young couple been some few daies atrest, and begin to see that the invitements decline; but the youngwoman talks of going out of Town together, and to take their pleasuresin other Towns and Cities, first in the next adjacent places, and thento others that ly remoter; for, because she never was there, andhaving heard them commended to be such curious and neat places, shehath a great mind to see _Oxford_ and _Cambridge. _

Yea, and then she saith, my dear, we must go also to see _York_, _Glocester_ and _Bristol_, and take our pleasures those waies; for Ihave heard my Fathers Book keeper often say, that it is very pleasanttravelling thither, and all things very cheap. And when he began torelate any thing of Kent, and its multiplicity of fruit, my very heartleapt up for joy; thinking to my self, as soon as I am married, Iwill immediately be pressing my husband that we may go thither;because it seem'd to me almost incredible. And then again he wouldsometimes relate of _Herefordshire_ what delicious Syder and Perry ismade there, which I am a great lover of; truly Hony, we must needs gothat way once, that I may say I have satiated my self with it, at theFountain-head. Ah, my dearest, let us go thither next week. 

It is most certain that the Good-man hath no mind at all to be thusmuch longer out of his house, & from his vocation; by reason he isalready so much behind hand with his loss of time in Wooing, Wedding, Feasting and taking pleasure; but alas, let him say what he will, hecannot disswade her from it. 

 _You may as soon retort the wind, As make a woman change her mind. _

In the night she dreams on't, and by day she talks on't, and alwaiesconcludes this to be her certain rule. "The first year won't comeagain. If we don't take some pleasure now, when shall we do it! Oh, myDear, a year hence we may have a child, then its impossible for me togo any where, but I shall be tied like a Dog to a chain: And truly, why should not we do it as well as they & they did; for they were outa month or two, and took their pleasures to the purpose? my Mother, or my Cousin will look to our house; come let us go also out of Town!For the first year will not come again. "

Well, what shall the good man do? if he will have quietness with hiswife, he must let her have her will, or else she will be dailytormenting of him. And to give her harsh language, he can't do that, for he loves her too well. His father also taught him this saying, fora marriage lesson, _Have a care of making the first difference. _ If hespeak unkindly to her, his Love might be angry, and then that wouldoccasion the first difference, which he by no means willingly would beguilty of; for then these Pleasures would not have their full swing. 

Well, away they go now out of Town: But, uds lid, what a weighty trunkthey send the Porter with to the Carriers! For they take all theirbest apparel with them, that their friends in the Country, may see alltheir bravery. And besides all this, there must be a riding Gown, andsome other new accoutrements made for the journy, or else it wouldhave no grace. 

Now then, away they go, every one wishing them all health andprosperity upon their journy, & so do I. 

But see! they are hardly ridden ten mile out of Town, before the youngwoman begins to be so ill with the horses jolting, that she thinks theWorld turns topsie-turvy with her. Oh she's so ill, that she fears sheshall vomit her very heart up. Then down lights her husband, to takeher off, and hold her head, and is in such a peck of troubles, that heknows not which way to turn or wind himself. Wishing that he mightgive all that he's worth in the World to be at a good Inn. And shepoor creature falling into a swoon, makes him look as if he had bepisthimself, & though he sighs and laments excessively she hears him not;which occasions him such an extremity of grief that he's ready to tearthe hair off of his head. But the quamishness of her stomack beginningto decline, she recovers; and rising, they walk for a little spacesoftly forwards; the good man thinking with himself how he shall do toget his dearly beloved to an Inn, that she may there rest herdistempered body. And then getting her up again, they ride very softlyforwards, to get to the end of their journy. 

Truly, I must confess, that amongst the rest of the Pleasures ofmarriage, this is but a very sorry one. But stay a little, yonder methinks I see the Steeple, we shall be there presently; the littletrouble and grief you have had, will make the salutations you receive, and the scituation of the place seem so much the pleasanter. And thesedainty green Meadows will be a delicate refreshment. You'l find yourstomack not only sharpned, but also curiously cleansed of all sorts offilthy and slimy humours. And you light not sooner from your horsethen your appetite is ready to entertain what ever comes before you:The good Man in the mean while is contriving at whose house he shallfirst whet his knife, and where he thinks his poor wearied wife willreceive the best entertainment and caresses, to drive out of herimaginations the troubles and wearisomness of her journy; which willthe easier be dispensed with, when she walks out to see the raritiesof the place, and to visit your Cousins and relations. And so much themore, because every one will be wishing the new married couple muchjoy, receiving them kindly, and doing them all manner of pleasures andcivilities: which I assure you is no small matter of mirth. 

But every thing must have an end. It is therefore now very meet tospeak of removing to some other City. But let the husband say what hewill of travelling by horseback, she is struck on that ear with anincurable deafness. 

They must have a Coach to themselves, and the great Trunk must goalong with them, or else the whole journy would have no grace. Neitherwould it be respect enough for them in the presence of so many goodfriends and acquaintance, unless the Coach come to take them up at thedore. And it must be done to. Here now one is returning thanks forth'entertainment, and the other for their kind visit, and withall wishthe young couple that all content, pleasure, and delight may furtherattend them upon their journy, &c. Then it is Drive on Coachman, andaway fly the poor jades through the streets, striking fire out of theliveless stones, as if Pluto just at the same time were upon theflight with his Proserpina through the City. 

But, O new married couple, what price do you little think this mirthwill stand you at? What man is there in the World, that hath ever aneye in his head, but must needs see, that if he tarry out long, thismust be the ready way to Brokers-Hall. Yet nevertheless I confess youmust do it, if you intend to have any peace or quietness with your newwife. 

These are the first fruits and pleasures of marriage, therefore youmust not so much as consider, nay hardly think, of being so long fromhome, though in the mean while all things there is going also theready way to destruction; for it is the fashion, at such times, thatmaid, man, and all that are in your service, to act their own parts;and so merry they are that they possess their own freedom, and keepopen Table, that the whole neighbourhood hears their laughter. Ask theneighbours when you come home, and you will quickly hear, that by themwas no thought of care or sorrow; but that they have plaied, rantedand domineer'd so that the whole neighbourhood rung with it; and howthey have played their parts either with some dried Baker, pricklouseTailor, or smoaky Smith, they themselves know best. 

Down goes the spit to the fire; the pudding pan prepared; and if therebe either Wine, Beer or any thing else wanting; though the Cellar belockt; yet, by one means or another, they find out such pretty devicesto juggle the Wine out of the Cask, nay and Sugar to boot too; thattheir inventions surpass all the stratagems that are quoted by theAuthor of the English Rogue; of which I could insert a vast number, but fear that it would occasion an ill example to the unlearned inthat study. Howsoever they that have kept house long, and had both men& maid-servants, have undoubtedly found both the truth and experiencehereof sufficiently. And how many maids, in this manner, have beeneased of that heavy burthen of their maidenheads, is well known to thewhole World. 

These are also some of the first fruits and delights of marriage; butif they were of the greatest sort, they might be esteemed and approvedof to be curable, or a remedy found for prevention. Yet let them be ofwhat state and condition they will, every one feels the damage andinconvenience thereof, ten times more then it is outwardly visibleunto him, or can comprehend. For if you saw it you would by one orother means shun or prevent it. But now, let it be who it will, whether Counsellor, Doctor, Merchant, or Shopkeeper; the one neglectshis Clients Suit, the other his Patients, the third his Negotiation &Trade, and the fourth his Customers; none of them all oft-timesknowing from whence it arises that their first years gain is soinconsiderable. For above the continual running on of house-rent, theneglect and unnecessary expensive charge of servants; you consume yourself also much mony in travelling and pleasure; besides the peril anduneasiness that you suffer to please and complaite your new marriedMistris. O miserable pleasure!

But you will be sure to find the greatest calamity of this delight, assoon as you return home again; if you only observe the motions of yourwife, for whose pleasure and felicity you have been so long from home. Alas she is so wearied and tired with tumbling and travelling up &down, that she complains as if her back were broke, and it isimpossible for her to rise before it is about dinner time; nay andthen neither hardly unless she hear that there is something preparedsuitable to her appetite. If any thing either at noon or night is tobe prepared and made ready, the husband must take care and give orderfor the doing of it; the good woman being yet so weary, that shecannot settle her self to it; yea it is too much for her to walk abouther chamber, her very joints being as it were dislocated with thetroublesomness of the journy. 

In the mean while the servants they ly simpring, giggling, andlaughing at one another, doing just what they list, and wishing thattheir Mistris might be alwaies in that temper, then they were sure tohave the more freedom to themselves: the which, though done bystealth, they make as bad as may be: and yet hardly any man, tho hehad the eyes of _Argolus_ can attrap them; for if by chance you shouldperceive any thing, they will find one excuse or another to deludeyou, and look as demure as a dog in a halter, whereby the good man iseasily pacified and satisfied for that time. 

And these things are more predominant, when there is a cunning slut ofa Maid, that knows but how to serve and flatter her Mistris well, getting her by that means upon her side: in such cases you'l generallysee two maids where one might serve, or else a Chair-woman; the one todo all the course work, the other to run of errands and lend a helpinghand (if she hath a mind to it) that all things may the sooner be setin order; & she then with her Mistris may go a gadding. 

And because Peggy & her Mistris, do in this manner, as it were, like aJack in a box, jump into each others humour, the good woman may takeher rest the better; for she hath caretakers enough about the house. And if the husband, coming from the Change or other important affair, seems to be any waies discontented, that all things lies straglingabout the house, & are not set in order, presently crafty Peggy findsa fit expedient for it with complaining that her Mistris hath hadsuch an insufferable pain in her head and in her belly, that it wasbeyond imagination; & also she could get no ease for her, unless shehad prepared her some butter'd Ale, and a little mul'd Sack; and thisis the reason why all things were not so ready as they ought to havebeen. 

Herewith the good mans mouth is stopt. If he begins afterwards tospeak with his wife concerning th'unnecessary Chair-women; his answeris, prithee Sweetheart, don't you trouble your self with those things, leave that to me, I'l manage that to the best advantage; men have nounderstanding about house-keeping; & it is most proper for a woman tohave the governance of her Maids. And also Sweetheart, if there be nowand then occasion for a semstress or a Chair-woman, they are things ofso small importance, that they are not worth the speaking of. 

Now, if he will have peace and quietness at home, this reply must givehim full satisfaction; and tho he be never so patient, viewing allthings at a distance; yet the maids behind his back, that theirMistris may more then overhear it, dare call him, a Tom _Peep in thepot_, or _Goodman busiebody_. And before dinner is fully done, he musthear _Peg_ asking her Mistris; Mistris, wont you please forsooth, togo by and by and give Mistris _Moody_ a visit, or discourse a littlewith Madam Elenor? As long as you have nothing to do, what need youty your self to any thing? Pray tell her that story that the NorthCountry Gentleman related, which you laught at yesterday so heartily. Madam _Elenor_ will admire at it. And I'm sure she hath something thatshe will relate unto you. Herewith the good Mistris begins to get adrift, and away she goes with _Peg_ out of dores. Let it go then as itwill with the house keeping. 

This is also no small pleasure, when the Mistris and the Maid alwaiesagree so lovingly together! then the husband need not go any more outof Town to please his wives fancy; for she can now find pleasureenough by her old acquaintance sweet Mistris _Moody_, and courteousMadam _Elenor_. 

Do but see now, O Lovers, what multiplicity of roses, and thistlesthere are in the very Porch of the Wilderness of Marriage; you maythink then what the middle and end must be. 

 * * * * *

[Illustration: Folio 54. _Published by the Navarre Society, London. _]

THE FOURTH PLEASURE. 

_The Wife goes a pratling by her Neighbours; complaining of herbarrenness, and takes Physick for it. _

Verily it is a great pleasure for the new married couple, that theyhave been up and down taking their pleasure, and have been feasted byall their acquaintance. 

Now they have travelled from place to place, and taken a full view ofwhat friends and relations each other hath; and seen also the greatdifference there is in the ornaments, neatness, manners anddeportments of each place, and also how pleasant the _Hills_, _Dales_and _Meadows_ lie, with their silver streaming Brooks; but mostparticularly, how neatly and compleatly one may, for their mony, betreated. Yet come finally to a consideration within themselves of theweakness and vanity of this pleasure; perceiving that all those whopossess it, at last conclude it burthensom, and have a longing desireto be at home again in a frugal management of house-keeping at theirown Tables. 

Verily, this is that happy hour of pleasure that the new married manhath been long seeking for; to the end he might once be freed from allsuch idle expences, and be again carefully looking after his affairsand vocation. Now he begins to hope that all things will come into ahandsom posture; also not doubting, but that his wife will, having hadher full swing and hearts content of treats and all other sorts ofpleasures, begin like a House-Wife, to order her self to take somecare for the concerns of the Family, which indeed oft-times falls outso, to the great joy, profit, and tranquility of the good man. 

But can it be possible that this sweet pleasure should be so disht up, without some bitter sauce of discontent? O kind Husband, if you willbeleeve that, then you may well think the whole state and term of yourmarriage to be a Paradice upon earth; and that you have already gotfooting in the high-way to all fullness of pleasures and contentments:Yet tarry a few daies, and then experience will give you a betterunderstanding of further pleasures. 

For the new Wife is no sooner come to be at quiet; but she begins tocomplain, that she can hardly addict her self to this new way of life;that it appears very strange and odly to her to converse with a newMaid, by reason she must be telling her this thing, and commandingher the t'other; and have a regard of all what she does, which arethings that she before never used to trouble her self with; and thatit is such a trouble to her to be out of her Parents house, in astrange dwelling place: Nay, this oft-times surges so high, that thegood man hath his hands full of work to comfort her, and to talk thesefoolish fancies out of her noddle; and verily, unless he can bridleher frivolous humour with some pleasant discourses, and dry up hertears with no small number of kisses; oh then he'l be sadly put to't. And if this all falls out well, before six weeks are at an end, there'l appear another dark cloud again, to eclipse this splendantSunshine. 

For behold, within a very small time the good woman begins to scrapeacquaintance, and get some familiarity with her neighbours, whichincreaseth from day to day more and more; nay oftentimes it comes tothat height, she's better to be found among her neighbours, then athome in her own family. Here she sees Mistris Wanton playing with herchild that is a very pretty Babe. There she sees Mistres _Breedwell_making ready her Child-bed linnens and getting of her Clouts together. Yonder Mistris _Maudlen_ complains that she doth not prove with child;& then Mistres _Young-at-it_ brags how nearly she could reckon fromthe very bed-side. Oh then she thinks I have been married this threemonths, and know nothing at all of these things; it is with me stillas if I were yet a maid: What certainly should be the reason thereof?

This is the first occasion that begets a great disturbance in thebrain-pan and imagination; and wo be to the good man, if he doth notunderstand his Py-work well! Then to the end she may hear the betterhow things goes; she inquires very earnestly amongst her acquaintancewhat caresses they receive from their husbands; and most shamleslyrelates what hath passed between her and her husband, twixt thecurtains, or under the Rose; which she doth to that purpose, that shemay hear whether her husband understands his work well, and whether hedoth it well, and oft enough; and also whether he be fully fit for theemploy, &c. For the verification whereof the Councel of women bring somany compleat relations, that it is a shame to think, much more tospeak of them. 

Whosoever she speaks with every one pities her, and gives her theiradvice: And the best sort will at the least say to her, I wouldoftentimes treat my husband with such sort of spices as were good formy self, _viz. _ Oisters, Egs, Cox-combs, sweet breads, Lam-stones, Caveer, &c. And counsell him every morning to go to the Coffe-houseand drink some Chocolate; & above all things advise him to desist fromTabacco and drying things, or any other things that are too coolingfor the kidneys. And then I would many times my self by dallying withhim, and some other pretty Wanton postures, try to provoke him to it;whereby he should surely know that it was neither your coolness, norwant of desire that might be blamed in it; but rather alwaies confess, that you had sufficiently done your indeavour. 

Who will doubt but that she puts this advice, in operation? O happyman, who art now every foot treated with some new sorts of kickshawsat your Table; and have free leave to frequent the Coffy-house, whichother women grumble and mumble at. And besides all this, you find thatyour dearest embraceth you as if you were an Angel, and shews you athousand other friendly entertainments that are beyond imagination toexpress: it is alwaies in the evening, my Dear come to bed: and in themorning, pray Love ly a little longer. These are most certainly verygreat pleasures. 

But if the Woman marks that this helps not, and that all things remainin the old posture, then she begins to mump and maunder at herhusband; vaunting much of her own fitness, and not a little suspectingher husbands; oftentimes calling him a Fumbler, a dry-boots, and agood man Do-little, &c. 

This makes him look as if he had beshit him self. And though he neverso much indeavours to vindicate himself; and also to perswade her fromthe reasons and examples given by several learned Doctors; Culpepper;the Queens Midwife; and some others of his friends and acquaintancethat he demonstrates unto her; it is all but wind. She stillcomplains, I must have a Child, or else I shall run distracted. 

And this manner of frantickness hath so vehemently struck into herbrains, that the very house seems to burn over her head: Insomuch thatshe's no sooner risen from her bed or from the Table, but immediatelyshe goeth a gadding amongst the neighbours; and takes other peopleschildren in her arms, kissing and slabbring of them so unmeasurably, as if she would almost devour them with love; nay she useth moresimple and childish actions with them, then ever own mothers havedone. By which means the children have many times as great anaffection for their neighbour, as they have for their own Father andMother. 

This gadding out of dores doth undoubtedly a little trouble herhusband: But when he begins to consider, that his wife by this meansknows how to handle, and make much of children; and then again, thatshe thus beforehand learns it for nothing; it must of necessity be noless then a great pleasure for him. And so much the more, whilest sheis pratling with her neighbour, and playing with her child; he isfreed from the curse of hearing her sighs and complaints to have achild. For she's no sooner within the dores, but she talks of herneighbours child, and wishes with the loss of all that shes worth inthe World that she had such a one too; which continues alwaies solong, that finally she bursts out into the like former frenzy againsther husband: see there I must have a child also, or else I shall rundistracted. 

But what remedy? which way he turns or winds himself, he finds nomeans or way how to pacifie his wife. And therefore thinks it besthimself to take th'advice of Doctor, and most especially with thatFrench Doctor, who is so renowned for his skill of making many men andwomen that before were barren and unfruitfull to conceive children:Insomuch that they do now every year precisely bear a young son, or adaughter, yea somtimes two at a time. It is thereby also verynecessary that the good woman her self consult with some experiencedMidwives, and old Doctresses; to the end, that those distempers whichare the occasion of barrenness, might be the better removed and takenaway. 

To this end there are almost as many Boxes and Gally-pots broughttogether, as would near upon furnish an Apothecaries shop: Then towork they go with smearing, anointing, chafing, infusing, wherewith(as they term it) the good woman is to be made fresh and fit; but theymake the bed and whole house so full of stink and vapours, that it maybe said they rather stop the good and wholesom pores and other partsof the body; then to open those that were stopt and causedDistempers. 

But in the conclusion we find it to be both fruitless and miserable, where the good woman goes to seek it by th'Apothecary; even as herhusband doth out of the Oister and Eg-shels. 

And if this will not do now; where shall the poor man hide his headnext? What shall he do more to please and pacifie her? He thinks uponall the ways and means possible to entertain her to content. If shewill have costly things, he will buy them for her; and dissimulatelysaith that all what she practiseth for her content, is his onlypleasure and delight: yea, although her pride and ambition many timesin several things flies too high, and oft-times also doth not happento be very suitable with the constitution of the cash; he dares in nowise contradict her, for he fears that she will presently be atvariance with him again: And thinks in the interim, whilest her mindhangs upon these things, she forgets her maunding and mumbling for achild. Still hoping that there will come one happy night, that maycrown his earnest desires with fructivity; this it is that makes himthat he dares not anger her or give her a sour countenance; fearingthat if she might have conceived, that would be the means of turningthe tide. 

To be short, it is his only and greatest delight to see that his wifeis well satisfied and receiveth her content and pleasure; which isvery hard to be practised, so long as she is not with child. 

But O what a joy there will be if he may be but once so happy as tohit that mark! How will the first day of her reckoning to ly in standin his Almanack, as if it were printed with a red Letter! Well youngpeople, be contented; Long look'd for comes at last to thesatisfaction of the Master. 

 * * * * *

THE FIFTH PLEASURE. 

_The young Woman proves with Child, and longs. _

The old Proverb tels us, that after the sour comes the sweet; and Ifind, jolly couple, that it is so with you also; for I hear finallythat your wife is big with child: Well what a Pleasure is that!Certainly, now you see that all your Doctoring and medicining hathbeen to some purpose, and now you feel also that all herbs were madefor some good effects. 

How happy a thing it is that you have made use of a learned Doctor, and an experienced Midwife. Now is the only time to be very carefull, for fear the least accident might turn the tide with the young woman, and so she get a mischance, or some other sad mishap; and a mischanceis worse for her than a true Child-bearing; for that weakens natureabundantly, and oftentimes brings with it several sad consequences, &Thus the women talk. 

[Illustration: Folio 85. _Published by The Navarre Society, London. _]

But you, O noble Champion, who have behaved your self so gallantly;continue now to reap the further conquests of your honour. Look not atany small matters; and most especially if you hope or desire to gainthe principal prize of your pleasure. For be assured, that you mustsuffer much, and see through a perspective glass all things at adistance; because you never before saw your wife in so gallant a stateand condition as she now is in; and therefore you must cherish andpreserve her much more then formerly you have done. If you hear heroften grunt and groan, mumble and chide, either with the men ormaid-servants; nay, though it were with your own self, you must passit by, not concerning your self at it; and imagine that you do it forthe respect you bear your wife, but not by constraint; for it iscommon with big-bellied women to do so. 

But most especially rejoice in your self, if this grunting andgroaning happen only by day time; because then you may somtimes avoidit, or divertise your self with other company. Yet by night generallyshall the good woman be worst of all? therefore be sure to provideyour self well with pure Aniseed, Clove, Cinamon-waters, and goodsack, that you may therewith be ready to strengthen and assist her. For it will often happen that when you are in your best and firstSleep, that your dearest wil waken you and complain of pain at herheart, of dizziness and great faintness; then all what is in the housemust be stirring, and you your self also, though it be never so cold, out of the bed you must with all the speed possible. Comfort your selfherewith, that this was one of the pleasures which you got with yourwife, though it was not set down in the Contract of marriage. 

Now for this again you alwaies receive the honour, that when you areinvited with her to any place at a treat, the best that is upon theTable shall be presented to the big-bellied woman: Yea if she long orhave a desire to any thing; immediately every one that observes it, are ready to serve her with it; nay, though there were never so littlein the Dish, her longing must be fully satisfied, if no body elseshould so much as tast of it. And by this means oftentimes the goodwoman is so ill and disturbed, that she is forced to rise from theTable, and falls from one faintness into another; which for civilitiessake, is then baptized, that she hath sat too high or been throng'd, or that the room being so full, the breath of the people offended her. 

And though she perceives that this very food makes her so ill; yet forthe most part she will be so choice and so dainty, that she seldomknows her self what she will eat or hath a mind to; but generally ittends to some thing or other that is delicate: Upon this manner again, according to the former custom, she tumbles it in till she is sickwith it; and if any one looks but very wishly at her; immediatelyanother saies to them; she must eat for two, nay perhaps for three. 

And not only that in this manner she grows so delicate and gluttonous;but is thereby so easie and lazy, that she can hardly longer indureher sowing cushion upon her lap. Also sitting is not good for her, forfear the child thereby might receive some hindrance and anheartfullness. Therefore she must often walk abroad; and to that endan occasion is found to go every day a pratling and gossiping to thisand then to another place; in the mean while leaving her husbandwithout a wife, and the family without a mistris. 

Then in conclusion this falls also burthensom to her, (as it isgenerally with all things that are too frequently used) then she willbe for spurring you up to walk abroad with her, that she may get allsorts of fruits and other fopperies that the season of the yearaffords; and at the first baiting-place she's for some Cream withsugar, stewd prunes, and a bottle of sider or perry; and thus abroadto spend much, and at home neglect more. 

If she have then gone somthing far, she is so excessive weary with it, that if her life must ly at stake, she cannot set one foot further. Herewith is the poor man absolutely put to a stand: ride she may not, or all the fat would be in the fire; and they are so deep in theCountry that there is somtimes neither Coach nor boat to be had. 

And if you should happen to be where a River is, there's never a boatto be had; but if there should be one, then you must be subject tohumour the churlish Ferry man, who seeing the necessity of theoccasion, and that you are able to pay for it, will have what price hepleases. And somtimes again you are timorous your self to hazard it, because many women are very fearfull upon the water. 

But indeed, if by this unhappy occasion, a good expedient may be foundto please your dearly beloved, it is no small joy. Well then make yourself jocund herewith, to the end that other troubles may not so muchmolest and disturb you. 

You may also be very well assured, that your wife no sooner comes tobe a little big-bellied, but she receives the priviledge to have allwhat she hath a mind to & that is called Longing. And what husband canbe so stern or barbarous that he will deny his wife at such a timewhat she longs for? especially if it be a true love of a woman, youmust never hinder her of her longing; for then certainly the childwould have some hindrance by it. 

Forasmuch then as is necessary that you alwaies seek to avoid andprevent this, you must observe, that all women when they are withchild, do fall commonly from one longing to another: And then theproviding and buying of that for them, must be as great a pleasure toyou as it is to them in the receiving and use of it; and that notalone for theirs, but your childs sake also. And truly he that will orcannot suit himself to this humour, will be very unhappy, because heshall not then receive the full scope and freedom of this pleasure. 

It is also most certain that these longing desires doth transporttheir imaginations from one finical thing to another: If it be in thesummer, then they long for China Oranges, Sivil Lemmons, the largestAsparagus, Strawberries with wine and sugar, Cherries of all sorts, and in like manner of Plums, and these they must have their fill of:And then when they have gotten through the continuance their fullsatisfaction thereof; then be assured they begin to long for somegreat Peaches and Apricocks; And though they be never so scarce anddear, yet the woman must not lose her longing, for the child might geta blemish by it. 

If then Apples and Pears begin to grow ripe, you have the same tune tosing again; for she is possessed with a new longing desire as bad, asif it were a Quotidian Ague in all the joints of her body; andwhatsoever comes new to her sight, creates in her a fresh longing. Ifshe gets one hour curious Catherine Pears, Pippins, or Russetings, thenext she hath a mind to Filberds; and then an hour or two later Wallnuts and Grapes fall into her thoughts; do what you will there's nohelp for it, her longing must be satisfied, let it go as it will, orcost what it will. 

And this her longing leads her from one thing to another, of all whatthe richness of the summer, or liberality of the harvest, out of theirsuperfluities pour down upon us. Insomuch that the good man wishes athousand times over that he might once be rid of these terriblecharges and great expence. 

But alas what helps it? there's no season of the year but gives ussome or other new fruits that the women have alwaies a new longingdesire to. And if it be in the Winter, then they long for juicyPomgranates, new Wine upon the must, with Chesnuts; then forColchester Oisters; then again for Pancakes and Fritters; and indeedfor a thousand several sorts of such toys and fancies as do but appearbefore their longing imaginations. And oftentimes it is no reallonging, for that were then pardonable, but a liquorish delicatedesire that they are sick of; as may be seen by those who simplyimagine themselves to be with child, are alwaies talking of this andt'other dainty that they long after. And that which is worst of all, is that both they and those that are really with child, long commonlyfor that which is scarcest and hardest to be gotten: Yea in the verymiddle of winter they oftentimes long to have a Greengoose or youngChickens; which in some places are very hard to be got, and notwithout paying excessive dear for them. 

This longing being so satisfied; immediately arises another, andnothing will serve but Meats, and several sorts of Comfits. Yea howoften happens it, though it rain, snow, and is very slippery, thatboth the husband and the maid, if never so dark and late in the night, must trot out and fetch candied Ginger, dried Pears, Gingerbread, orsome such sort of liquorish thing. And what is to be imagined, thatcan be cried about in the streets by day time, but her longing beforehath an appetite prepared for it?

Yea through an excessive eating of raw fruits, and feeding uponmultiplicities of sweet-meats; to fulfill their longing; it turns to agriping of the guts and overflowing of the Gall, which again occasionCholick, & manytimes other lamentable pains. Here is then another newwork. There the Doctor must be presently fetcht, and according to whathe pleases to order, either a Glister must be set, or some otherPhysick taken for it. 

But by reason these things are not so pleasant to the good woman asthe foregoing liquorish delicacies; she thinks it best that theMidwife be sent for, because she hath a great deal better knowledgetouching the infirmities of women then the Doctors: Then she isfetcht, and having done the first part of her office, she gives hergood comfort; and orders her to take only some of the best whiteWine, simper'd up with a little Orange-peel, well sweetned with sugar, and so warm drunk up; and then anoint your self here, and you knowwhere, with this salve; and for medicines [that are most to be foundin Confectionres or Pasterers shops] you must be sure to make use ofthose, then your pain will quickly lessen. You must not neglect alsoofttimes to eat a piece of bread and butter with either Caroway orAniseed Comfits; use also Cinnamon; the first expels wind, and thesecond strengthens the heart; and they are both good for the woman andthe child. Be sure also to drink every morning and every evening aglass of the best sack, for that strengthens the fruit of the womb, and occasions you a good quickness, &c. 

Who will doubt, but that she obeys the orders of the Midwife, muchbetter then that of the Doctors. And verily there is also a great dealof difference in the suffering, of such or uneasie fumbling at theback part; or the receiving of such pleasant and acceptableingredients. And so much the more, when she begins to remember thatDoctor Drink-fast used to tell her, that Medicins never make so goodan operation, when they are at any time taken against the appetite, orwith an antipathy, by the Patient. 

Thus you may see, approaching Father, how you are now climb'd up to ahigher step of glory: Your manly deeds, make your name renowned; andyour joy is so much augmented that your wife looks alwaies merrily andpleasantly upon you, for giving her content; and she now also salutesyou with the most sweetest and kindest names imaginable; you must alsonow be her guest upon all sorts of Summer and Winter fruits, & athousand other kinds of liquorish and most acceptable dainties. Insomuch that although you did not come into the streets in sixmonths, you may by the humour and actions of your wife know perfectlywhen Strawberries, Cherries, Apples, Pears, Nuts & Grapes, are inseason. And there is no greater pleasure for your best beloved, thenthat she sees you eat as heartily of them as she her self doth. 

Confess then unfeignedly, from the very bottom of your heart; are notthese great Pleasures of marriage? And be joyfull; for this is only abeginning, the best comes at last. Know likewise, that this is but asa fore-runner of the sixth Pleasure, and will both touch you at heart, and tickle your purse much better: Yea, insomuch that the experiencethereof will shew you that there is a whole mountain of pleasures tobe found in the bands of Wedlock. Whereby I fear, that you will, perhaps, make a lamentable complaint, of your no sooner arriving atthis happiness. 

But comfort your self herewith; that the medicaments of the Doctor andMidwife, perhaps have done such a wished for operation, that youthereby may obtain many Sons and Daughters, which you may then timelyadmonish and instruct to that duty, so long by your self neglected, and in a manner too late to repent of. 

Doubt not, but assuredly beleeve, that now you are once gotten intothe right road, you may easily every year see a renovation of thisunspeakable pleasure; and beholding your wife oftentimes in thisstate; in like manner you perceive that not only your name and fame isspread abroad, but your generation also grow formidable. And this allto the glory of your relations, and joy of your dearly Beloved. 

 * * * * *

[Illustration: Folio 102. _Published by the Navarre Society, London. _]

THE SIXTH PLEASURE. 

_Care is taking for the Child and Child-bed linnen; and to provide aMidwife and Nurse. _

In good truth it is very pleasant to see how the good womans Apronfrom day to day, how longer the more it rises; now all the World mayplainly see you have behaved your self like a man, and every oneacknowledge that you are both good for the sport. Verily this is agreat pleasure! And it increases abundantly, when your wife comes tobe so near her reckoning, that she feels her self quick, and begins toprovide and take care for the Childs and Child-bed linnen. Then youneed not fear the turning of the tide, or that a mischance willhappen; wherewith all people, seeing no other issue, laugh and scoffunmeasurably; and think that the Midwife hath been greased in the fist(as it oftentimes happens) because she should say, that it was a fullcreated child, and no collection of ill humors, or a wind-egg. 

And the greatest joy is, that you have now so hoisted your top-sail, that your wife cannot any more call you a _Dry-boots_, or a _JohnCannot_; which were for you such disrespectfull names, and yet forquietness sake you were forced to smother them in your breast, becauseyou could have no witnesse for your vindication. 

You are now so far exalted, that you will very speedily be salutedwith the name of _Dad_ & _Pappa_; which is as pleasing and acceptablefor you now, as the name of _Bridegroom_ was before. 

O how happy you are! & what pleasures doth the married estate providefor you! how glad must your wife be now! how strictly she reckons themonths, nay the very weeks and days! O what an unexpressible love hathshe for you now! and with what imbraces and kisses she entertains you, because you have furnish'd her shop so well! Now you may perceive thatthe procreating of children, makes the band of wedlock much stronger, and increaseth the affections. 

Now were it well time, that by death either of the good woman or theChild, that you did, by a will, seek the mortification of thedisadvantagious Contract of marriage; and by that means get all thereis to your self, in place of going back to her friends and relations;But, alas, she hath so much in her head at present, that there is nospeaking to her about it, without being a great trouble to her:besides her sences cannot now bear it therefore you must let it alonetill another time. 

Do you your self but observe, & you'l quickly see that a lying-inrequireth so much trimming, that she hath really care enough upon her!the Child-bed linnen alone, is a thing that would make ones head fullof dizziness, it consists of so many sorts of knick-knacks; I will notso much as name all the other jinkombobs that are dependances to it. Therefore, ought you to be so compassionate with her, as not to speakto her about any other thing; for all her mind and sences are soimploied upon that subject, that she can think upon nothing else buther down-lying. Hear but deliberately to all her lying-in, and of whatbelongs to it. Tis no wonder neither for there is not one of heracquaintance comes to her, either woman or maid, but they presentlyask her, Well, Mistris, when do you reckon? And that is a Text then, so full of matter that there is oftentimes three or four hours preachtupon it, before any of the Auditors be weary. O that all Ministerswere so happy, as to have alwaies such earnest and serious hearers. Inthe mean while there is no body happier than the maids, for they arethen free from being the Town-talk; for at other times, the first wordis, How do you like your maid? which is another Text that the womengenerally preach out of, and make longest sermons in. 

But methinks, I should happen to fall here from the Mistris upon theMaid. 

To go forward then. See how serious your dearest is, with _Jane_ theSemstress, contriving how much linnen she must buy to make all herChild-bed linnen as it ought to be! how diligently she measures theBeds, Bellibands, Navel clouts, shirts, and all other trincom, trancoms! and she keeps as exact an account of the ells, half ells, quarters, and lesser measures, as if she had gone seven years toschool to learn casting of an account. 

Let this measuring and reckoning be pleasant to you, because thecharge thereof will fall costly enough for you. To morrow she goes tomarket, to buy two or three pieces of linnen, one whereof must be veryfine, and the other a little courser. And you need not take any noticewhat quantity of fine small Laces she hath occasion for, by reason itmight perhaps overcloud this sixth pleasure of marriage, which you nowpossess. 

Why should you not be merry? you have now above all things a Wife toyour mind; who whatsoever she imagines, desires or doth, it is alwaiesaccompanied with wishes. O, saies she, how glad shall I be; when allthings is bought that there ought to be for the making of my Child-bedlinnen. And no sooner is it bought, but then she wishes that it weremade. 

But this requires some time: and then you'l have reason to rejoice;for it is commonly the usual custom of the semstresses to let you goand run after them, and fop you off with lies and stories, till thetime be so nigh at hand, that it will admit no longer delay. 

Yet before you see that your wife hath accomplisht this desire, you'lfind her very much troubled at two several causes, which will make youglad when she hath once obtained them. For these are things ofimportance, to wit, the making choice of a Midwife and a Nurse, because upon one depends the health and preservation of the life ofthe Woman; and on the other that of the Child. 

Let it no waies molest or trouble you, but rather be pleasing andacceptable, if she be continually chattering at you, and desiring youradvice and councell, who she shall make choice of or not; hereby youmay observe, that you have a very carefull wife; and if you listen alittle more narrowly, you will hear what a special care she hath forall things; then she will every day be relating to you that amongstthe number of Midwives which have been recommended to her, there isnot one that pleases her; for one is too young and unexperienced, another is too old and doting; a third is too big handed; a fourthhath too much talk; and the fifth drinks too much wine. To be shortthere is so many deficiencies in every one of them, that the goodwoman hath need of a learned Counsellors advice to help her to chusethe best. 

And the like trouble hath she also concerning the taking of a Nurse, having already spent above a months time in examining among herkindred and relations, and other good acquaintance, how such and suchnurses have behaved themselves; & she is informed that there are fewto be found but have certainly some faults or other, and somtimes verygreat ones, for one is too sluttish, another saunters too much, athird too lazy; another too dainty: and then again, one eats too much, and another drinks too much; one keeps company too much with the maid, and another in like manner with the good man: And such a one or such aone are the best, but they were not very handy about the hearth, tomake ready some liquorish dainty things for the good woman, which is amatter of no small weight. 

Behold! hath she not very great cause to be troubled: and thereout youmay very well also observe how happy you are, seeing you have gotten awife that night and day is busie and taking care of all these concernsand other affairs. Yes verily, although her big-belly be verycumbersom to her, yet she must be abroad, every day from morning tillevening, to take care and provide all these important things, thatnothing may be wanting. Well what a carefull wife you have! howmightily she is concerned for this above all other things whatsoever!

And scarcely hath the good woman gotten these two main instruments;but she finds her self still involved in so much other business, thatshe hardly can tell how to do or turn her self in it; for now therewants a Groaning stool, a Screen, and a Cradle, with what belongs toit; and heaven knows what more, which have been so long neglected withthe care that was taking to get a Midwife and a Nurse. Then againthere wants new Hangings, a Down-bed, a Christening-cloath, silvercandle sticks, a Caudle-cup, &c. That of necessity must be bought &used at the lying-in, & Gossips feast; so that the good man need notfear that his mony will grow mouldy for want of being turned too &again. 

Oh were your dear wife so happy that she had once made an end of allthese ponderous affairs, then all would be well: For then she couldbegin to give order for the making clean the house from top to bottom;and for the pressing of some curtains, Vallians and Hangings; therubbing of Stools, Chairs and Cupboard; the scouring of theWarming-pan and Chamber-pot: And 'tis no wonder, for when the goodwoman lies in, then come so many busie bodies that with their glouringeyes are peeping into every hole and corner. 

These things do so excessively trouble her brain; that she can hardlythe whole day think upon any thing else, yea goes so near her that itoftentimes totally bereaves her of her nights rest insomuch that sheis fain to ly very long abed in the morning. And if by night shehappen but only to think of Boobincjo, she hath immediately such analteration in her very intrals, that she feels here or there some orother deficiency; which comes so vehement upon her that the poorhusband, though it be never so cold, must out of bed to fetch someCinnamon and Annis-seed water, or good sack; or else some other suchsort of those liquorish ingredients and then these are the principalkeys of Musick that the whole night through are sung and plaid upon. Ohow happy is the good man, that he hath, from time to time, in herchild-bearing, learned all these things with so much patience, whichmakes him now that he can the better bear with all these finicalhumours. 

But for this again, O compassionate Ninny-hammer, you shall have notonly great commendations for your patience; but the pleasure also thatsome of your nearest relations will come and kiss your hands, andwithall tell you how happy you are that y'are almost arrived at thatnoble degree of being intituled Father. And then, with great respect &reverence, they desire to receive the honour, some of being yourfirst-born childs God-fathers, and others to be God-mothers: Neitherwill they then be behind hand in presenting the Child with severalliberal gifts, as an acknowledgement of the honour they receive, aboveothers, in being favoured with your Gossipship. 

Well who would not, for so much honour and respect, but now and thensuffer the trouble of his wives quamish stomack with some chargesto't? And more then that, you have now the best opportunity in theWorld, to go with your new chosen Gossips, (as you did before withyour Bridemen) & chuse & taste out some of the most delicious Wine, for you must be sure to store your Cellar well, because then both theBridemen and Bride-maids will certainly come to eat some of thelong-look'd for Caudle; besides the great number of friends that willcome then also to give you a visit, and with all respect wish you muchjoy: I will not so much as think any thing of those that will comealso to the Christning and Gossips Feast. 

Be joyfull with this, till such time as the t'other Pleasure begins toappear. 

 * * * * *

THE SEVENTH PLEASURE. 

_The Woman falls in Labour. _

Behold, young couple, hitherto a considerable deal of time is spentand passed over, with the aforesaid Mirth and Pleasures; do not younow perceive what a vast difference is between the married orunmarried estate? You have, by provision, made your self Master ofthese six Pleasures; nay oftentimes before you have gotten thelongd-for joy of the fourth Pleasure, appears that of the seventh veryunexpectedly; for the good woman begins to look so sour, grumble, grunt and groan, that it seems as if she would go into the Garden andfetch a Babe out of the Parsley-bed. 

But Uds-lid this is a great-surprizal; for a little while ago she saidthat she was but seventh months gone of her reckoning. How then?should she have jested upon it? or has the good woman lost her book, and so made a false account? Yet this being the first time of herreckoning, ought the more favourably to be passed by as long as theTrade goes forwards. 

[Illustration: Folio 116. _Published by The Navarre Society, London. _]

There's now no small alarm in the Watch. Who is there that is but nearor by the hand that is not set a work! Oh, was Dorothy the Semstress, and Jane the laundress now here, what a helping hand we might have ofthem! Where are now the two Chair-women also, they were commonly everyday about the house, and now we stand in such terrible need of them, they are not to be found? Herewith must the poor Drone, veryunexpectedly, get out of bed, almost stark naked, having hardly timeto put on his shoes and stockins; for the labour comes so pressingupon her, that it is nothing but, hast, hast, hast, fetch the Midwifewith all possible speed, and alas, there is so many several occasionsfor help, that she cannot miss her maid the twinkling of an eye;neither dare she trust it to the Maids fetching, for fear she shouldnot find the Midwives house; and she hath not shewed it her, becauseshe made her reckoning that she had yet two months more to go. 

Therefore without denial away the good man himself must to fetch theMidwife; for who knows whether or no she would come so quick if themaid went; nay it is a question also, being so late in the night, whether she would come along with the maid alone, because she dwellsin a very solitary corner clearly at the t'other end of the City:(for after a ripe deliberation of the good woman, the lot fell so thatshe made choice of this grave and experienced Midwife). 

Away runs the poor man without stop or stay, as if he were running fora wager of some great concern. And though it be never so cold, thesweat trickles down by the hair of his head, for fear he should notfind the Midwife at home; or that perhaps she might be fetcht out tosome other place, from whence she could not come. And if it shouldhappen so, we are all undone, for the good woman must have thisMidwife, or else she dies; neither can or dare she condescend to takeany of the other, for the reasons afore mentioned. 

But what remedy? if there must come another, then she will so alter, vex, and fret her self at it, that all the provocations of pains inlabour, turns against her stomack, and there is no hopes further forthat time. 

But whilest you are running, and consider in this manner hope thebest; rather think with your self, what great joy is approaching untoyou, if your wife, thus soon, come to be safely delivered of ahopefull Son or Daughter: In the first place, you will be freed fromall that trouble of rising in the night, and from the hearing of thegrumbling and mumbling of your wife; two months sooner then you yourself did expect you should have been. 

Be not discomforted although she doth thus unexpectedly force you outof bed, before you have hardly slept an hour, for you see there'sgreat occasion for't; and now is the time to show that you truly loveyour wife. This first time will make it more accustomary, the first isalso commonly the worst. And if you be so fortunate that at the veryfirst you happen to meet with this prudent and grave Matron Midwife, &do bring her to your longing-for dearly beloved Wife; yet neverthelessyou may assure your self, that before you can arrive to have the fullscope and heighth of this Pleasure, you'l find something more to do:For the Midwife is not able alone to govern and take care of allthings that must be fetcht, brought and carried to and again;therefore of necessity the friends must be fetcht with all the speedimaginable, viz. Sisters, Wives, Aunts, Cousins, and several familiargood acquaintances must have notice of it, and be defraied to come toher quickly, quickly, without any delay; and if you do not invite themvery ceremonially, every one according to their degrees and qualities, it is taken to be no small affront. 

It hath hapned more then a hundred times that the Sister afterwardswould not come to the Christning Feast; because, by chance, she heard, that the Brothers wife had notice given her of the Child-bearingbefore her self; little considering how few people the young peoplehad in the night to assist them; or that the confusion andunexperiencedness was the occasion that they did not think of such amethod or order. Nay oftentimes is this sort of jealousie arisenbetween the Aunt and Cousin; whereby may most certainly be observedthe intelligibility of the most prudent female sex. 

'Tis true this running seems both troublesom and tiresom but littledoth the good man know that he is now first come into that nobleSchool & herein his patience shall be effectually exercised or thatthis is but the first year of trying the same! O how happy are theythat are well instructed in it. 

Do but see how impatient the good expecting Father is. What is therenot yet wanting, before he hath his lesson perfect! Behold the poorDrone, how he moves too & fro! see what a loss and tostication he isin! he tramples his hat under his feet, pulls the hair off his head, not knowing what he would do, or which way to help his dear Wife; andthe Friends that were sent for do not come so quick as he expected, because the most part of them must first trick and prick themselves upbefore that they dare come; the one fearing the piercing view ofanother, though they be all near relations and friends. 

Here he stands trembling, not knowing which way to turn himself. Womens assistance is at this present most requisite, and a goodStierman at Stern, or the ship may run upon a sand. She runs firstbackwards then forwards; seeks here then there. And although he haththe keys of all the Chests, and Trunks, his head runs so much a Woolgathering, that, let him do what he will, he can find no sort of thosethings he most stands in need of. 

Alas all things is thus out of order, by reason the good woman did notthink to come so soon in Childbed. Oh what manner of Jinkinbobs arenot here wanting that are most useful at this occasion; and theMidwife cries and bawls for them that she's hoarse again! here's boththe groaning-stool and the screen yet to be made: And Mistris_Perfect_ hath them both, but they are lent out. 

Yonder Peg the maid runs her anckle out of joint, and her self out ofbreath, to desire to borrow them of Mistris _Buy-all_. And she'shardly gotten out of dores, before they perceive that the warming panis yet to be bought; and that that's worst of all, is, that all theChild-bed linnen is not yet starch'd or iron'd; oftentimes it happensthat it is yet upon the Bankside at bleach. What a miserable conditionis this!

Here the good man is at no small quandary, with all the women, oh werethis the greatest disappointment for him! but presently he sees allthe womens countenances looking very dole-fully and mournfully at eachother, one beginning to pray; another to cry in; there comes a greatalteration in the pangs and pains of her Labour; nay they are sodesperate, that the fear is, either the mother or the child, orperhaps both must go to pot. For all whatsoever the Doctor hathprescribed, or that hath been fetcht from the Apothecaries; nay thevery girdle of Saint _Francis_ can work here no miracle. 

Uds bud, this is but a sad spectacle. Oh, says Peg the maid, doth thiscome by marrying? I'l never venture it as long as I live. I do beleevethat it is very pleasurable to ly with a Gentleman, but theChild-bearing hath no delight at all in it. Oh I am affraid, if therecome not a sudden change, that my good Mistris will not be able toundergo it. Oh sweet pretty blossom as she is. 

'Tis most true, that here wants crums of comfort both for the husbandand the wife; yea for the Midwife and all the rest of the Womenbeside; for they all cry that the tears run streaming down theircheeks; and neither their Cinamon-water, nor burnt wine, can any waiesrefresh or strengthen her. Uds-lid: if there come no other tiding thesweetness of this pleasure will prove but bitter to them. 

But hark a little! there comes something of a tiding, that brings usfive pounds worth of courage with it. Two or three more such, wouldmake every one of our hearts a hundred pound lighter, and the greatCaudle Skellet would begin to quake and tremble. 

Pray have a little patience, tarry, and in the twinkling of an eye youshall be presented with a Child, and saluted with the title of Father. 

 * * * * *

THE EIGHTH PLEASURE. 

_The Womans brought to bed. _

Ha boys! after all the toiling, the happy hour is at last arrived, that the good Woman, finally is delivered & brought to bed: well thisis a mirth and pleasure that far surpasseth all the other; for thegood man is, by a whole estate, richer than he was before. 

Who can imagine or comprehend the jollity of this new Father? O he isso overjoyed that it is inexpressible: Doll and Peg must outimmediately to give notice of it to all the friends and acquaintance;thinking to himself that every body else will be as jocund and merryat it as he is. Do but see how busie he is! behold with whatearnestness he runs up and down the house to give order that the greatCaudle Skillet may be in a readiness!

[Illustration: Folio 127. _Published by the Navarre Society, London. _]

What a pleasure is it for him that he sees Mistris _Do-all_ attendingthe Midwife, and giving her all manner of warmed beds and otherClouts, the number and names whereof are without end; and that Mistris_Swift-hand_ & Mistris _Fair-arse_ are tumbling all thingstopsie-turvy forsooth to seek and prepare in a readiness all thosethings that are most necessary for the Child; but little doth he thinkthat they do it more to be peeping into every hole and corner, and tohave a full view of all the Child-bed linnen, then out of needfullassistance? And wo be to the Child-bed woman, if they do but find anywhere a Clout, Napkin or Towel, that by chance hath either a hole or arent in it: for one or another of them will with grinning and laughingthrust her finger through it, and then shew it to the rest, takingalso the first opportunity she can lay hold of, when they are a littleat liberty, to make a whole tittle-tattle about it, and very muchadmireth the carelessness and negligence of the Child-bed woman; as ifshe were a greater wast-all, and worse house-wife than any of themelse when to the contrary, if you should by accident come into any oftheir Garrets, when the linnen is just come home from washing youwould oftentimes find it in such a condition, that you might very wellimagine your self to be in Westminster Hall where the Colours that areTrophies of honour are hung up, one full of holes, another tatter'd &torn, and a third full of mildew. 

Yet notwithstanding all this peeping and snuffling in to every nookand corner, they finally get the Child swathled: And then to thegreat joy of the Father, it must be presented him in state by theMidwife, with this golden expression, a Proverb not above two hundredyears old, _Father, see there is your Child, God give you much joywith it, or take it speedily into his bliss. _

Uds bud how doth this tickle him! what a new mirth and pleasure isthis again! see him now stand there and look like a Monky with a Catin his arms. O what a delicate pretty condition he's now in!

Well Midwife look to't, for this joy hath taken such a tyrannicalpossession of his heart, that doubt not but immediately there will bea good present for you, when he gives it you back again. 'Tis nowonder, for if it be a Son, he is at least a thousand pound richerthen he was before: though he may look long enough before he'l find aBankers Bond in his Chest for the sum. 

Now whilest the Child is swadled and drest up, all the other trinkumtrankums are laid aside; and the Table is spread neatly to entertainthe friends, who not alone for novelties sake, but also out of a sweettooth'd liquorish appetite, long to see what is prepared for them. AndI beleeve that although the Kings Cook had drest it, yet there will beone or another of them that will be discommending something, and bragthat she could have made it much delicater, if there be then any onethat seems not fully to beleeve her, immediately she cites two orthree Ladies for her witnesses, who have given her the greatest praiseand commendations for her dressing of such dishes above all others. And who can have better judgement than they? This is then a discoursefor at least three hours, for they are all of them so well verst inthe Kitchin affairs, that its hard for one to get a turn to speakbefore the other. 

But this is an extraordinary Pleasure for this new Father to hear outof all their prittle pratlings how sweetly they will commend the Quillthat hath received all the Colchester Oisters, Cox-combs, Sweetbreads, Lam-stones, and many other such like things, for they have found byexperience that such sort of ingredients occasion very much thekindness of men to their wives. Yes, yes, saies M^{rs}. _Luxury_ it isvery good for my husband, and not amiss for any pallate neither, andI'm sure the better I feed my Pig, the better it is for me in thesoucing out. And this discourse then is held up with such anearnestness, and continues so long, that the Child-bed woman almostgets an Ague with it, or at the least falls from one swooning intoanother, whilest there is not so much as any one that thinks upon her. 

Happy is the good man, if he can but act the part of a Ninny, and hathbusied himself for the most part in the Kitchin; then he may be nowand then admitted to cast in his verdict; otherwise, let them talk aslong as they will, he is forced in great misery to afford themaudience. But it is much better for him, if, according as the occasiongives opportunity, there be now and then spoken something concerningthe Child-bed woman, or about the shaking of the sheets, which isseldom forgotten; because he is now already so far advanced in theCony-craft of that School, that he is gotten up to the Water Bucket. 

In the mean while Peg runs too and again, almost like one out of hersences, to hunt for the Nurse, who dwels in a little street upon aback-Chamber, or in an Ally, or some other by-place; and she is justnow no where else to be found but at t'other end of the City, therekeeping another Gentle woman in Child-bed. 

Here is now again other fish to fry, for one will not be without her, and t'other must needs have her, each pretending to have an equalright to her. And the Nurse, finding that each of them so much desiresher, thinks no small matter of her self, but that she is as wise asmany a Ladies woman or Salomons Cat, and that her fellow is hardly tobe found. But before some few daies are past, there's a great trial tobe made of the Nurses experience and understanding; for, let them dowhat they will or can, the Child will not suck; yea, and what's worse, it hath gotten a lamentable Thrush. Alas a day what bad work is hereagain, the Nurse is so quamish stomackt that she cannot suck herMistres, therefore care must be taken to find out some body or otherthat will come and suck the young womans breasts for twelve pence atime; or else her breasts will grow hard with lumps and fester forwant of being drawn. Or else also with the sucking she gets in thetipples. 

Now is the right time to fetch the Apothecary to make ready plaisters, and bring Fennel-water to raise the milk, that the lumps may be drivenaway; and most especially that the cloves in the tipples may be cured. Help now or never good M^{r}. Doctor, for if this continue muchlonger, the young woman perhaps gets an Ague that may then cost herher life. 

Verily, in this state and condition of the woman is also some pleasureto be found, for you may keep your wife now very cheap; she is not nowso liquorish and sweet-tooth'd, as when she was with Child; which indeed is very good at all times, but most especially in this pittifulltime for there's now nothing fitter for her to eat then a little goodbroth, stew'd Prunes, Caudle, Water-gruel, roasted Apples, or new laidEgs. 

But now, Father, your Pleasure will immediately be augmented, for itwill not be long before you will have some or other Gentlewomen cometo give you a visit, who will then also out of their Closets ofunderstanding be very much assistant to you with their advice andcounsel for there are very few of them that are not deeply experiencedin Sir _Thomas Browns_ Mid-wivery, and if any thing do happen morethen ordinary, they never want for remedies. 

Now there is Doctor _Needhams_ wife, who by her own experimenting, hath knowledge of several other things: But upon such an occasion asthis, there is nothing better then that the child must be glister'd;and for the lumps you must indevour through a continual chafing to getthem out of the young womans breasts. But Mistris _Rattle-pate_relates, how miserably, she was troubled with an humour in her breast, when she lay in; but that she had alwaies cured her self of it, byonly taking a Sandwich Carrot, and scraping it hollow in the inside, and then put like a hat upon the tipple, this drew out all ill humour, without any pain, or the least fear of danger. 

Yes truly, saith Mrs _Talk-enough_, I do indeed forsooth beleeve thatthat is very good, but here are very sore nipples, and they begin tobe chop'd; and there must be a special care taken for that; thereforeit will not be amiss to strengthen the nipples with a little _Aquavitæ_, and then wash them with some Rosewater that hath kernels ofLimons steep'd in it. There's nothing like it, or better, I have lainin of thirteen children, but never tried any thing that did me so muchgood, or gave me half the ease. Pray, dear Mistris, be sure to makeuse of that, you will never repent it. 

But Mistris _Know-all_ saith, that she hath made use of this also, andfound some ease by it; and that she hath tried above an hundred otherthings, that were approved to be good; yet of all things never foundnothing under the Sun that was more noble then _Salvator Winter's_Salve, for that cures immediately: And you can have nothing better. 

Yet Mistris _Stand to't_, begins to relate wonderfull operations donewith oyl of Myrrhe; and of the plaisters that are made by theGentlewoman in Py-yard. 

Now comes the sage Matron Experience, saying that she hath learnt asecret from a prudent Doctor that's worth its weight in Gold, nor canthe vertue thereof be too much commended. And she hath alreadycommunicated it unto several persons; but there are none that tried itwho do not praise it to be incomparable: therefore she hath been veryvigilant to note it down in S. _John Pain_, and _Nic-Culpeppers_Works; to the end that her posterity may not only make use of it, butparticipate it to others: This is, _Lapis Calaminaris_ prepared, mingled with a small quantity of May-butter, and then temper themtogether with the point of a knife upon an earthen plate, just as thePicture Drawers do their Colours upon their Pallet, which will bringit to be a delicate salve; and is also very soft and supple for thechops of the tipples; nay, though the child should suck it in, yet itdoth it no harm; and it doth not alone cure them, but prevents thecoming of any more. 

Yes, saith Mistris _Consent to all_, and my advice is then to take alittle horn, with a sheeps udder, & lay that upon the Tipples, forthat defends them, and occasions their curing much better and sooner. 

O what a pleasure it is to hear all the pretty considerations of somany prudent Doctresses! If _Clement Marot_ might but revive, I amsure he would find here as many Doctresses, as ever there were Doctorsat Paris. But O how happy will this fortunate new Father be, when hemay but once see the back-sides of all these grave and niceDoctresses! But my truth, this may very well be registred for one ofthe most accomplished Pleasures. 

But yet all this doth not help the young woman. Perhaps all theseremedies may be good, saith the Grand-Mother but they are not for ourturns; for alas a day, the very smell of salve makes her fall into aswoon; neither can she suffer the least motion of sucking, for thevery pain bereaves her of her sences. What shall we do then? to keep aWet-Nurse is both very damageable, and cruel chargeable; forWet-Nurses are generally very lazy and liquorish, and they are everchatting and chawing something or other with the Maids; and in theirmanner they baptize it, with saying it is very necessary & wholesomfor the Child. And then again, to put the Child out to Nurse, hathalso several considerations; first it estrangeth much from you, andwho knows how ill they may keep it. Therefore it is best to keep it athome, and indeavour the bringing of it up with the Spoon, feeding itoften with some pure and cordial diets fit for the appetite, and nowand then giving it the sucking bottle. 

But what remedy now? this is all to no purpose: For though theGrandmother, Nurse, and Ant do what they can, yet all their labour'slost. And the Child is so froward and peevish, that the Nurse is readyto run away from it; nay, though she dandle and play with it alwaiestill past midnight, it is but washing the Black-a-more; in so muchthat a Wet-Nurse must be sought for, or away goes the Child to_Limbo_. For this again is required good advice, and the chusing of agood one hath its consideration: But the tender heartedness and kindlove that the Mother hath for her Child can no way suffer this, shewill rather suck it her self though the pain be never so great. Yethaving tried it again a second time, the pain is so vehement that itis impossible to withstand it; therefore the new Father cannot be atquiet till there be a Wet-Nurse found and brought to them. For it goesto the very heart of both Father and Mother to put the Child out toNurse. 

And do but see after much seeking and diligent inquiring, the new madeGrandmother, hath at last found one, who is a very neat cleanly andmighty modest woman, her husband went a little while ago to the_East-Indies_, & her child died lately. 

This is no small joy but an extraordinary Pleasure, both for the newFather, and Child-bed woman. Oh now their hearts are at rest. And nowall things will go well; for as the Wet-Nurse takes care of the Child;the dry Nurse doth of the Mother, & all this pleases the good Fathervery well. 

Now Child-bed-woman your time is come to make much of your self, thatyou may recover strength. Now you wont be troubled with the pains ofsucking, or disturbed of your natural rest: now you must let theWet-Nurse take care for every thing, and look after or meddle withnothing your self. Now you must sleep quietly, eat heartily, and groanlustily. And though you be very well and hearty, yet you must seem tobe weak and quamish stomackt; for first or last the month of lying-inmust be kept full out. Do but think now by your self what you have amind either to eat, or drink; the first and worst daies are with thetossing and turmoiling passed by; neither can you recover any strengthwith eating of Water-gruel, sugar-sops, rosted Apples, and new laidEgs; you are not only weary of them, but it is too weak a diet foryou. The nine daies are almost past, and now you must have a morestrengthening diet; to wit, a dish of fine white Pearch, a roastedPullet, half a dozen of young Pigeons, some Wigeons or Teal, someLams-stones, Sweetbreads, a piece of roast Veal, and a delicate youngTurky, &c. And whilest you are eating, you must be sure to drink twoor three glasses of the best Rhenish wine, very well sweetned with thefinest loaf sugar, you must also be very carefull of drinking anyFrench wine, for that will too much inflame you. 

O new Father, what a Pleasure must all these things be for you; andespecially, because now you begin at the Bed-side to eat and drinkagain with your Child-bed wife; and you begin also to perceive that ifall things advance as they hitherto have done, you may then again infew daies make fresh assaults of hugging and embracing her. 

This is that jolly month or six weeks that all women talk sopleasantly of; because it learns them alwaies such a curiousremembrance. And really it is almost impossible that the husband atthese rates can grow lean with it; because he as well as his wife sitsto be cram'd up too: And he can now with his dearest daily contriveand practice what the Nurse shall make ready, that his Child-bed wifemay eat with a better appetite, and recover new strength again. Iwould therefore advise the carefull Nurse as a friend, that sheshould be sure to provide her self with the _Compleat Cook_, that shemight be the more ready to help the Child-bed woman to think upon whatshe hath a mind to have made ready, for her brains are but very weakyet; so that she cannot so quickly and easily remember at first whatis pleasantest and wholesomest to be eaten. 

O thrice happy new Father that have gotten such a prudent diligent andcarefull Nurse for your Child-bed wife! what great Pleasure is this!And behold, by this delicate eating and drinking, your Dearest beginsfrom day to day to grow stronger and stronger; insomuch that shebegins to throw the Pillow at you, to spur you up to be desirous ofcoming to bed to her: Yea, she promiseth you, that before she is outof Child-bed, she will make you possessor of another principal andmain Pleasure. 

 * * * * *

[Illustration: Folio 141. _Published by the Navarre Society, London. _]

THE NINTH PLEASURE. 

_Of the Gossips Feast. _

Now, O new Father, you have had the possession of eight pleasures, which undoubtedly have tickled you to some purpose. 

But now there is a new one approaching, that will be as full of somany joyfull delights and wishings of prosperity, as ever the firstand most famous hath been; for it seems as if your Child-bed wifebegins to be a weary of this lazy liquorish life, and to leave off hergrunting and groaning; because she now longs to be gadding up and downthe street, or standing at the dore with her Babe in her arms. 

But before this can be done, you know that there ought to be a GossipsFeast kept. To this end the Nurse must be sent abroad; and a seriousCounsel held, as if the Parliament of women were assembled, to consultwho shall be invited, and who not. 's Wounds, what a list of relationsand strange acquaintance are here sum'd up in a company together, tobe invited to the Gossipping Feast. 'Tis impossible, the Nurse canever do this all in one day; because she would not willingly miss anyof them, out of the earnest hopes she hath of the Presents sheexpects. And then also she must give an account to every one of themthat are invited of the state and condition of the Child-bed woman andher Child. I wonder that there is no body that sollicites to have theOffice of an Inviter to all such sort of Gossippings, but the womenunderstand these affairs and the ordering of such sort of invitationsmuch better than any one else, therefore 'tis not necessary. 

O, new Father, what a sweet Delight and Pleasure you must needs havein reviewing this great List of your Gossips! What multiplicities ofwishes of joy and prosperity have you to expect! But if I were to beyour Counsellor, I assure you I would order the Nurse to desire Doctor_Toss-bowl_, my Lord _Drinkfirst_ and then the other Gentlemen, towit, Masters _Cleardrinker, Dryliver, Spillnot, Sup-up, Seldom-sober_, and _Shift-gut_, to fetch home their Wives in good time from theGossipping; because you have other mens Wives, who are your nearrelations, that you must entertain longer; and they otherwise willnever think of rising or going home though it were midnight: And bythis means you will have a fit opportunity, with a full Bowl and aPipe, to wash away that rammish sent of a Child-bed out of yourbrains; and also after many hopes, once arrive to the height ofreceiving your full delight and pleasure. And then you may e'en clapit all together upon the account of a Lying-in. 

Now Nurse, here you have work by whole hand-fulls: for you shall nosooner have made an end of your other errands, but immediately there'sso much tricking and pricking of all things up in neat order againstthe coming of the sharp-sighted guests; that it's a terror to thinkon't. Their eys will fly into every nook and corner; nay the veryhouse of Office must be extraordinary neat and clean; for Mistris_Foul-arse_, Gossip _Order-all_, and Goody _Dirty-buttocks_, will bepeeping into every crevise and cranny: And because they will do itforsooth, according to their fashion, they make a shew as if they mustgo to the necessary Chamber, with a Letter to _Gravesend_, only totake an inspection whether it be as cleanly there as it is upon theGossipping Chamber where all the Guests are. And 'tis a wonder if theydo not look into the Seat, to see whether there be no Spyders websspun in it; or whether the Goldfinders Merchandize be of a goodcolour, equal-size and thickness. 

But come let's pass all this by: for in the middle of theseincumbrances, the time will not only fly away; but we shall, at thehour appointed, be surprized by our Guests. Uds life, how busie theWet and Dry-Nurses are with dressing the Babe neatly. Now Father, look once upon your Child! O pretty thing! O sweet-fac'd daintydarling! 'tis Father's own picture! Well what would not one undergo tobe the Mother of so fine an Angel! And who can or dare doubt any thingof it, for the Mother loves it, and the Father beleeves it, nay andall the friends that come tumbling in one upon another to-day, doconfirm it: For behold, every one looks earnestly at the Babe; anddoth not a little commend his prettiness. One saith it is as like theFather (alias Daddy) as one drop of Water is like another. Another, that the upper part of the face, forehead, eys and nose incline verymuch to be like the mother; but downwards it is every bit the Father. And who forsooth should not beleeve it, if it be a son. Every one isin an admiration. O me, what a pretty sweet Infant! Nurse, you havedrest it up most curiously! And truly there's no cost spar'd for thehaving very rich laces. 

Thus they ly and tamper upon this first string, till the Child-bedwoman begins to enter upon the relating what great pain in travell shehad to fetch this Child out of the Parsly-bed, what a difference therewas between her, and others of her acquaintance, &c. Thereout everyone hath so much matter, as would make a long-winded sermon; and theconclusion generally is the relating how and when the good man creptto bed to her again; and how such a one had been a fortnight withChild, before she went to receive her churching. Where upon anothercomes with a full-mouth'd confession, that her husband was not half sohot. 

Do but tarry a little yet, till the Gossipping-bowl hath gone once ortwice more about with old Hock; then you'l hear these Parrots tell youother sorts of tales. 

In the mean while, do but see the husband, poor _Nicholas None-eys_how he rejoyces, that his wife is so reasonable strong again; and thatshe is so neatly trickt up sitting in state in the best furnishedroom, by the bed-side! O what a pleasure this is! O how he treats allthe women with delicate Marget Ale, and Sack and Sugar! [unless hebegin to bethink himself, and for respects sake or frugality, setssome bottles aside; because he perceives it to be nothing else but avast expence and womens Apish tricks]. How busie he is in carving forthem of his Roast-beef, Capons, Turkey-py, Neats-tongue, or some othersavoury bit to make their mouths relish their liquor the better; andthen stand fast Bowls and glasses for they resolve not to flinch fromit. And indeed why should he not? for he is now a whole estate richerthen he was before; and what need he care for it then. 

Well behold here! Now the womens mouths are a beginning to be first alittle warm; and none of them all can be silent, though they shouldspeak of their own Commodities. 

O how happy would you be, O Goodman _Cully_, if you had but as manyears as _Argus_ had eys, that you might hear every where, whilest youare carving and serving of them, what pretty sweet stories anddiscourses, these sorts of Parrats will be talking of? For Mistris_Sharp-set_ relates, what a pleasure she oft times received in it, tokeep School-time with her husband at noons, as soon as they hadfeasted their carkasses well: but that conning of her lesson hadcaused her severall times to make a journy to the Parsly-bed. 

At this Mistris _Sincere_ wonders extreamly; saying how strangelythese things happen to one woman more then another. In our Parishthere is a married woman brought to bed, but she was so miserablyhandled by the Midwife, that no tongue can express it. Insomuch thatMaster _Peepin_ the Man Midwife, was fain to be fetcht, to assist withhis Instrument; it was a very great wonder that the woman ever escapedit; which is most lamentable indeed to be related; and too sad indeedto be placed by me among the Pleasures of Marriage. 

In the mean time, at the t'other end of the Chamber, Mistris_Fairtail_ relates a pretty story how their Maid was very curiouslystitcht up by their Tailor; and how she was every foot runningthither, then to have a hole finely drawn that she had torn in herPetti-coat, another while to have her Bodice made a little wider, andthen again to have her stockins soled. 

It is no wonder, (saith Mistres _Paleface_) that this should happen toa poor innocent servant Maid; there was my husbands first wives nieceM^{rs}. _Young-rose_ that modest Virgin, she kept such a closeconversation & daily communication with Master _Scure_, that at lastthere appeared a little _Cupid_ with little ears, and short hair. 

Nay then (saith Mistris _Lookabout_) those two sisters need not twitone another in the teeth with it; for the t'other kept such a sweetcompliance and converse with the Spanish Fruiterer, yonder at thecorner-house, where she did eat so many China Oranges, and otherwatrish fruits, that they caused her to get an extraordinary swellingunder her stomack; which Doctor _Stultus_ judged to proceed from someobstructions, wind, and other watrish humours; but it did not continueso long before her Mother, beginning better to apprehend the nature ofher distemper, sent her away to her Country-house at Hackney. 

Mistris _Lookabout_ was going to begin again; but they heard suchrapping and knocking at the dore, that one of them said I beleevethere are our husbands; and indeed she guest very well. This augmentedtheir mirth mightily. And especially of the Nurse; for now she wassure that, if the good Cully her Master treated his Gossips nobly andliberally, her presents would be doubled. But Nurse do not cheat yourself, for fear it might happen otherwise; I know once a merry boonCompanion, who being at a Gossipping Feast, called the Nurse alone tohim; and saies to her, Nurse, I'l swear you are very vigilant and takea great deal of pains, in serving both us and our wives with allthings, and also filling of us full glasses and bowls: hark hither, mywife is a little covetous, and oft-times so narrow-soul'd that shedoth not keep her credit where she ought to do, so that I beleeve hergift will not be very great, and truly because you are such a goodbody, see there, that's for you, put it some where privately away; &there-with thrusts her an indifferent great brass Counter, wrapt up ina paper, into her hand. The Nurse certainly beleeving this to be atthe least a Crown piece, thanks him very demurely, and puts it in herPocket; never opening it till they were every one of them gone, butthen she saw that she was basely cheated. But Nurse you are warned nowby this, another time you may look better to't. Yet methinks I'd fillabout lustily, it is the good man of the house his wine; and when theWine begins to surge crown-high; the men are much more generous thanbefore. 

And verily methinks I have a mind to take my portion of it also; butyet not so as the Nurse did at my Neeces, who had toss'd up her bowlsso bravely upon the good health of the Child-bed woman her Mistriss, that when she was going to swathe and feed the Child, instead ofputting the spoon into the mouth, she thrust it under the chin, &sometimes against the breast; and then when she was about swathing ofit; as it is commonly the custom to lay a wollen blanket and linnenbed together, she wrapt the poor Infant with its little naked bodyonly in the blanket alone. 

O thrice happy young Father, who have hitherto so nobly treated andentertained all your She Gossips, and had the audience of all theircurious relations! Now you will have the honour also of entertainingtheir husbands your He-Gossips, who will not be backward in doing ofyou reason out of the greatest bowl you will set before them, and talkas freely of a Py-corner merchandize. 

Who is there now that doth not praise, and commend your manfull deedsto the highest? Ha, ha, saith Master _Laugh wel_, that's a Child! whoever saw a braver! there's not the fellow on't! O my dearest, I havesuch a delight in this Child, that if we were but a little alonetogether, I'd cast you such another as if it were of the same mould. Stay a little, stay a little, saith _Master Fillup_, it may be youwould not run so strong a course. Yet I saw once two Souldiers whowere Batchelors, that were sitting in an evening drinking in anAlehouse, and talking lustily of the Bobbinjo trade; whereupon one ofthem said; Cocksbobs _Jack_ if I had but a Wife, as well as another, I'd presently get her with Child of a brave boy. Ho, ho, saith thet'other, it is an easie thing to get a Wife if one seek it. If Iwould, I dare lay a wager on't, I would be the Bridegroom within thespace of two hours. The other not beleeving him, they laid a wagerbetween them for a bottle of Wine. Hereupon one of them went out ofdores just upon the striking of the clock; & hardly was gone a streetslength, before he met with a bonny bouncing girl, who was going of anerrand for her Mistris, and he presently laies her on board. But sheseemed to be very much offended, that an honest Maid going about herbusiness in the evening, should be in this manner so encountred by astrange fellow, with a sword by his side. Verily, Sweetheart, said he, you have a great deal of reason in all what you say; but you maycertainly beleeve that it is an honest person who speaks to you, andonly seeks an occasion to be acquainted with a virtuous goodcondition'd Maid. My wearing of a sword, is because I am a Souldier, and am very well known by many honest people. And truly, if you pleaseto admit me this favour, you shall see and find me to be an honestman, and none of those that go about to ly and deceive any body; andindeed my intention & desire is to marry, to that end seeking nothingbut an honest Maid, and I doubt not but that I have at this time foundone to my mind. And went forward with his chat in these sort of terms. But the Maid denied him, saying, that she had no mind at-all to aSouldier, because it was one of the poorest and miserablest sort oflevelihoods; their pay being but very little, and they were seldomadvanced, &c. He on the other side commending & approving a Souldierslife to be the merriest, resolutest, & absolute easiest of any thatwas under the Sun; because that neither hungrie care, nor finicalpride did any waies take place by them, but that they, on thecontrary, were alwaies merry, never admitting sorrow into theirthoughts. 'Tis true, said he, our pay is but small; but then again, all what the Country people have, is our own; for what we want ourselves, we get from them: we never take care for to morrow, havingalwaies something fresh, & every day new mirth. Riches, Sweetheart, doth not consist in multiplicity of Goods, but in content; & there'sno one better satisfied than a Souldier, therefore you shall alwaiessee an honest Souldier look plump and fat, just as I do: but Drunkardsand Whore-masters fall away miserably, &c. 

In short, the Maid begun a little to listen to him (and so much themore, because that very morning she had a falling out with herMistris) and told him, she would take it into consideration. Heanswered her again, what a fidle stick, why should we spend time inthinking? we are equally matcht: a Souldier never thinks long upon anything, but takes hold of all present opportunities, and it generallyfalls out well with him. But she drawing back a little, he saith, ahmy dearest, you must take a quick resolution. Behold there, yondercomes a Cloud driving towards the Moon: I'l give you so much time, till that be past by; therefore be pleased to resolve quick, forotherwise I must go & seek my fortune by another. For a Soldierneither woos nor threatens long. 

Upon this she considered a little, but before the Cloud was past bythe Moon, she gave him her consent; and he gave her his Tobacco-boxfor a pledge of marriage; and desired something of her in like mannerfor a pledge; but she said she had nothing: howsoever he persisted sostrongly, that in conclusion she gave him her Garter for a pledge ofmarriage. He was contented with it, and taking his leave, went untohis Comrades; and told them what had hapned to him, shewing them theGarter. Whereupon he that had laid the wager with him, askt, who itwas, what her name was, and where she dwelt, &c. And being told byanother, that it was a handsom, neat, and very well complexion'd Maid, By my troth, said he, I wish I were to give four Cans of Wine that Icould light upon such another. Well, see there, saith the first, ifyou will give four Cans of Wine, I will both give you the Garter & theMaid too into the bargain: It was done but by Moonlight; so that she'lhardly know whether it be me or another. 

Hereupon the agreement was concluded, the two first Cans of Wine werespent, and the Garter was delivered to him, and every one charged tokeep it secret. 

This second Souldier goes to the Maid next day in the evening, at thehour and place where they had appointed to meet. And there relating toher several passages that were passed between them the day before, andshewing her the Garter, made her beleeve that he was the person thathad contracted with her the day before. To be short, the Maid leavesher service and marries him. And that which is most to be observed, is, that that which the first Souldier vaunted to have done, thesecond performed; for just nine months after they were married, shewas brought to bed of a gallant young boy, and they lived verypeaceably and quietly together. 

Well, I'l vow, saith Master _Crossgrain_, that's a very notablerelation; it is better a great deal that the business happen so, thenlike another, which is just contrary, that I shall make mention of toyou. 

_Barebeard_ and _Mally_, who by a sudden accident, without muchwooing, were gotten together, and their first Bane of matrimony waspublished; but falling out, they called one another all the names thatthey could reap together; nay it run so high, that they woulddischarge each other of their promises, and resolved to go to theBishop & crave that they might have liberty to forbid the Banesthemselves, which hapned so. 

_Barebeard_ coming then with _Mall_ before his Grace, complained thathe did already perceive his intended marriage would never come to agood event, because he found perfectly that this Maid was a lumpishJade, a nasty Slut, a Scolding, bawling Carrion, & a restless peece ofmortality. Therefore it might go as it would, he did not care for theMaid, neither would he marry her, and for those reasons, he desiredhis Grace to grant that the Banes might be forbidden; as thinking itmuch better for him to quit her betimes, before it was too late. Sheon the t'other side said, that he was one that run gadding along thestreets at all hours of the night, a private drunken beast, aSpend-thrift, &c. So that she did not care for him neither. Whereuponhis Grace smiling told them, well you fellow and wench; do you thinkthat we do here so give and take away the consent of marriage? perhapswhen you are married, it may be much better, for the marriage bed dothfor the most part change the ten sences into five. But she answered, may it please your Grace, he is no such man to do that, for all thathe can do is only to-follow his own round-head-like stiff-neckedness, and e'en nothing else. Whereupon he again answered, may it please yourGrace, I have no mind ever to try it with such a creature as she is; Ishould be then fast enough bound to her; neither would I willingly goalive headlong to the Devil, to take my habitation in Hell. 

The Bishop thus perceiving that no good thread could be spun of suchsort of Flax, caused the Banes to be forbidden. Then said _Barebeard_, may it please your Grace, am I not a freeman, & may I not marry withwhom I please, or have a mind to? to which his Grace answered, yes. Presently _Barebeard_ thrusting his head out at the dore, calls outaloud, _Peg_ do you come hither now; and begged that his Grace wouldbe pleased to give him leave to marry with this person. Which Mallseeing she cries out, you Rogue, you have been too cunning for me inthis; if I had the least thoughts on't, I would have had my _Hal_ tohave tarried for me at this dore, instead of tarrying for me atanother place. Whereupon his Grace, being in great ire, chid them mostshrewdly, giving them such strong reproofs, that at first it mightvery well be imagined that he would never have admitted of a secondconsent; yet afterwards upon considerations it was granted. But_Barebeard_ being now married with _Peg_, they got no children: And_Mall_ being married to _Hal_, they had both a Son and a Daughter atone birth. By which its easie to be observed what acquaintance _Mall_had made with _Barebeard_ before hand, & why she would rather marrywith Hall then with him. 

To this again Mistris _Sweetmouth_ relates, that she had been severaltimes invited to Mistris _Braves_ labour; and that she had been twicebrought to bed very happily of two delicate twins. And in the lastencounter, for a recompence of the affection of her Beloved, shepresented him with two lustly and gallant boys; but because she wouldequally balance his great bounty; the Midwife takes the same walkagain for another, and finding in what condition things stood, shecalls for a bason of warm water, bringing out at last a most delicatepretty daughter, that was yet poor thing wrapt up in the Cawl. Whichshe immediately laid into the warm water, and shewed unto them all thewonderfull works of nature; for there they could see it move and stir, as if it had been in its Mothers glass Bottle; but the skin being justcut open with a small hole, it begun presently to make a little noiselike a weak childish voice, which indeed was very rare & pleasant tobe seen. In truth, such a Father, who can cast every time such highdoubblets, may very well be called by the name of Brave. 

But this Story was hardly told before Mistris _Tittle-tattle_ pursuedit with another out of the same Text, saying, A little more then twoyears ago I was at a Gossipping by Mistris _Gay_, who was then broughtto bed both of a Son and a Daughter, also at one birth; but indeed theLabour came so violently upon her, that as she was standing upon thestairs, not being able to set one foot further; and having neitherMidwife, nor any other women of her neighbors and friends, only theassistance of her husband and the Maid; she was immediately deliveredof two gallant Children; but they did not live long. 

Upon my word, said Mistris _Bounce-about_, it is an excellent helpwhen men understand their travelling upon such sort of roads. Ithapned to me once that some Gentlewomen were merry with me somewhatlate in the evening; and because I had had several Symptoms of Labour, said this, Mistris _Bounce-about_, if you would now take a walk to theParsley bed, we would help you very bravely; but neither wind norweather was serviceable at that time. But they had hardly been gone anhour, and being in bed with my husband, and he very fast asleep;before there begun such an alteration of the weather; that my husbandmust up with all speed, who wakened the Maid, and sent her for theMidwife laying on fire himself in all hast; yet do all what theycould, within less then a quarter of an hour, and that without anybodies help but my husbands, my journy was performed; but things weredone with such a confusion; that he received the child in theChristning cloath instead of the Blanket. 

And a thousand more such stories as these are ript up; that wouldburthen the strongest memory to bear them: and so much the more, because it is impossible to distinguish one from the t'other, whenthe men and the women that gabble so one among another. And oft-timesthey spin such course threads of bawdery in their talk, that areenough to spoil a whole web of linnen. And who can tell but that theirtattling would last a whole night, for there's hardly one of them whohath not at the least a hundred in their Budgets; but because it ishigh time that either the Dry or Wet-Nurse must go to swathe thechild, they begin to break off and shorten their prittle-prattle. 

Now young Father, do but observe what fine airy complements will bepresented to you at their parting. Every one thanks you for your kindand cordial entertainment, and not one of them forgets to wish thatyou may the next year either have a Daughter to your Son, or a Son toyour Daughter; imagining then that all things is well, when youreceive such a full crop: But I am most apt to beleeve that all theirwishes aim at the But of coming next year again to the Gossips Feast, to toss up the Gossips-bowl, and in telling of a bobbinjo story theypeep into all nooks and corners. 

Well, O new Father, this Pleasure begins to come to a conclusion; butprithee tell me, would not a body wish for the getting of suchanother, that his Wife might make a journy to the Parsly-bed twice ayear?

Now Nurse have at you; you shall now reap the fruit of all yourrunning and going early & late to invite them. Oh thinks she by herself, would but every shilling change it self into a crown-peece. ButNurse you'l hardly be troubled with a fit of that yellow Jaundiessickness, for there's no drug at the Apothecaries, nor any lice amongthe Beggars that can cure you of it. And I dare say Nurse, that you'lgo nigh to perceive that its a very hard time, and mony mighty scarce:because formerly the women used to put their hands more liberally intheir purses, and one gave a crown, another half a crown; but thetimes are now so strangely altered, that they keep littlemild-shillings only for that use, nay some of them rub it off with acouple of their Grandams gray groats. But howsoever I hope for yoursake, it will not be here according as often happens, fair promisesbut no performances; for if it should, I protest ye ought to have madeyour bargain to have had a peece more at the least for your Nursekeeping; or otherwise you must have had the full liberty to toss upthe remains of all that was left in the Gossipping Bowls, or else tohave carried the key of the Wine Cellar alwaies in your pocket, andthen after the feeding and swathing the child, you might in thetwinkling of an eye, swinge up a lustly glass upon the good health ofthe Father, Child-bed mother and the Child; for the Wine was laid into be made use of to that end and purpose; and it is commonly knownthat the Nurses are not so mealy mouth'd; for although they don't doit that every one should see it, they'l be sure with the Maid to gettheir shares in one corner or other. But you must for this againthink, that the freer you let them take their swing herein, the morecare they will take for the Child. 

Now Nurse, don't spare to make good use of your time, for it belongsamongst other things to this Pleasure; and the new Father willnevertheless be turning about to another mirth, and then you may besure to expect to have a God be w'ye. Therefore make much of yourself, and toss up your glasses stoutly at the Wine-Cask; who knowswhether you may have the opportunity this twelve month again to meetwith such a good Nurse-keeping; a liquorish sweet-tooth'd Child-bedwoman, & a plentifull housekeeping, is not every where. And you maycertainly beleeve, that the month will be no sooner ended, then thatyou'l begin to stink here; for the Mistris will begin to consider withher self, that she can make a shift with the Maid and Wet-Nurse; sothat then you must expect to get your undesired Pass. 

Then you must return back again to your own lodging, that dark, moistand mournfull Cell, and satisfie your self, if you can get it, with amess of milk and brown George, or some such sort of lean fare. So thatyou'l have time enough to wast away that fulsomness and fogginess ofbody, that you have gotten in your Nurse-keeping. For there's no bodythat will give you any thing, or thinks in the least upon yourattendance, unless they want you again. 

O new Father, pray for it to come again within a twelve month, thatyou may have a renewing of this pleasure once more; for it is with theNurse-taking its leave, and will conduct you to a following. 

 * * * * *

THE TENTH PLEASURE. 

_A great Child-bed Feast is kept, and the Child put in Cloaths. _

Oh how pleasant is th'estate of married people, above that ofBatchelors and Maids? how it distributes Mirths and Pleasures! Verilyone may in some measure recogitate or write something of it, but it isimpossible to imprint so Sun-like a splendor in Potters clay, or todisplay it with the most curious Colours. Though the accomplishedstPainter might have drawn it very near the life, yet it would be but adead draught, in comparison of the reality and experience that isfound in it self. You have already seen here nine Parts or Tables butit is not ninety Pictures that can sufficiently shew you the fulnessof one of the nine Parts. 

Be therefore chearfully merry, O sweet Couple, because you are in soshort a time arisen to the height of being possessors of all thesePleasures: And so much the more, the ninth being hardly past, beforethe tenth follows, as it were treading upon the heels of the t'other. 

[Illustration: Folio 188. _Published by The Navarre Society, London. _]

They have scarce wiped their mouths or digested the Child-bed Wine intheir stomacks, before there starts up a new day of mirth & jollity;for now there must be a Child-bed feast kept & the child must be putin Cloaths. O what two vast Pleasures are these for the young Father!'tis indeed too much joy for one person alone to be possessor of. 

At first you had the Pleasure for to treat the Women, those prettypleasing Creatures, and to hear all their sweet and amiablediscourses. But now you shall be honoured with treating the Matronlike Midwife, and those Men and Women that are your kindest friendsand nearest relations; Yea and the God-Fathers and God-Mothers alsowho will all of them accompany you with courteous discourses andpleasant countenances: They will begin a lusty Bowl or thumping glass, _super naculum_ drink it out, upon the health & prosperity of you, your Bedfellow and young Son; and very heartily wish that you mayincrease and multiply, at least every year with one new Babe; becausethat they then might the better come to the Child-bed Feast. 

Here you'l see now how smartly they'l both lick your dishes, and tossyour Cups and Glasses off. Begin you only some good healths, as; prayGod bless his Majesty and all the Royal Family: the Prosperity of ourNative Country; all the Well wishers of the Cities welfare, &c. Andwhen you have done, they'l begin; and about it goes to invest you withthe honour and name, in a full bowl to the Father of the Family; Wellis not that a noble title; such a Pleasure alone is worth a thousandpounds at lest. 

And whilest the Men are busie this way; the good woman with the otherWomen are contriving on the other side how the Child ought to be putin Cloaths upon the best and modishest manner: For she is resolved tomorrow morning to be Church'd, & in the afternoon she'l go to market. 

She accomplishes the first well enough, but is at a damnable doubt inthe second part of her resolution; for by the way, in the Church, andin the streets, she hath continually observed severall children, andthe most part of them dressed up in severall sorts of fashions: Someof them she hath a great fancy for, but then she doubts whether thatbe the newest mode or not. One seems too plain and common, which makesher imagine in her thoughts; that's too Clownish. But others standvery neat and handsom. 'Tis true, the Stuf and the Lining is costlyand very dear; but then again it is very comly and handsom. And thenagain she thinks with her self, as long as I am at Market, I'd as goodgo through stirch with it; and make but one paying for all; it is forour first, and but for a little child, not for a great person;therefore it is better to take that which is curious and neat, theprice for making is all one; besides it will be a great Pleasure formy husband when he sees how delicately the child is drest up, and hismony so extraordinarily well husbanded. 

Now, my dearest, pray be you merry: if the stuf hath cost somthingmuch, you have need but of little; and it is for your first. When itgrows bigger, or that you get more, you must part with much more mony. Don't grudge at this for once, because then you would spoil all yourmirth and Pleasure with it. Rejoice that you have a Wife, who is notonly good to fetch children out of the Parsley Bed; but is also verycarefull to see them well nourished, and neat and cleanly cloath'd. You your self have the praise and commendation of it. Let her alone awhile, for women must have their wills; say but little to her, for herbrains are too much busied already; and it may be that in three hourstime, you would hardly get three words of answer from her; and supposeyou should relate somthing or other to her, this shall be your answerfrom her at last, that she did not well understand you, because allher thoughts, nay her very sences do as it were glide to & again, oneamong another continually, to order the dressing up of her child. 

I am very well assured, O new invested Husband, that your wits atpresent run a Wool-gathering, because that both Merchandize and Tradeare neither of them so quick as you would fain see them; and by reasonof this tedious and destructive War, monies is horrible scarce, nothing near so plentifull as you could wish it to be: But comfortyour self herewith, that it hath hapned oft-times to others, & willyet also happen oftner to you. Yet this is one of the least things;but stay a little, to morrow or next day the Nurse goes away. Thisseems to be a merriment indeed; for then you'l have an Eater, aStroy-good, a Stuf-gut, a Spoil-all, and Prittle-pratler, less thanyou had before. 

You are yet so happy that you have a Wet-Nurse, that carefully looksafter the Child; by which means both you and your Wife are freed fromtossing and tumbling with it in the night: whilest others, on thecontrary, that have no Wet-Nurses in their houses; begin first totast, when the Dry-Nurse goes away, what a Pleasure it is that theChild must be set by the Bedside, and the charge thereof left untoboth Father & Mother, when it oftentimes happens that the good womanis yet so weak, she can neither lay the Child in, nor take it out ofthe Cradle; insomuch that the Father here must put a helping handto't, because he is of a stronger constitution, and hath the greatestshare in it. 

By my faith such as those are they who have the first and true tast ofthe Kernel of the Tenth Pleasure; because the husband ought as then, out of a tender affection for his wife to rock continually, that shemight take her rest; otherwise she would not get any suck in herbreasts for the Child: And happy they are somtimes, if they come offwith but rocking the most part of the night; for many times ithappens, that the Child is so restless and unquiet, that Father, Mother, & Maid; nay and all whatsoever is in the house must out oftheir beds to quiet it; and though they use a thousand tricks andstratagems, yet all's to no purpose. 

And yet this is but a small matter for them neither; for before a fewmonths are past, the child begins to get teeth; and bawls and cries sonight & day, that they can tell the clock all the night long; wishinga thousand thousand times over that they might see day-break; and soby the comfortable assistance of day-light receive a little solace forall their toiling and tumbling too and again. 

Yet I would advise such as these, that they must in no manner bediscomforted at this; if they intend to demonstrate that they havelearnt somthing in the School of Marriage, to exercise theirpatiences: But, on the contrary, to shew themselves contented with allthings; being assured, that hereafter when all this trouble is past, they shall receive the happiness, that the child will return themthanks with its pretty smiles; and in time also will salute them witha slabbering cocurring. And I beleeve now that they clearly find thatall things do not go so even in this World, as they well imagined: Andthat the fairest Sunshine of Marriage, may be somtimes darkned with aCloudy Storm. 

You married people, that have the help of a Wet-Nurse, receive a muchgreater advantage in participating of the Pleasures of Marriage, neither need you to be troubled with tossing & dandling of the childin the night. 

O, young House-Father, this is a most incomparable Pleasure for you!For now you may most certainly see the approach of a Daughter to yourSon; and by that means reap the possession again of all those formerPleasures; & by every one be saluted with the Title that you are anexcellent good Artist. 

If it be so, be carefull that you do not gad up and down with yourwife too much on horseback, or in Coaches; for fear it might make hermiscarry. But you have learnt all these things well enough at thefirst, and without doubt have kept them well in remembrance. 

Do but behold, in the mean time, what an unexpressible Pleasure yourdearly Beloved hath in the tricking up of her sweet Baby in the mostneatest dresses. What a World of pains she takes & spends her spirits, to make the Tailor understand, according to what fashion she will haveit made; & to hasten him that all things may be ready and totallyfinisht against Sunday next. 

O new Father, now open your eys! Behold what a pretty Son you have!How happy you are in so loving and understanding a Wife that knows howto trick it so curiously up in this manner! She was never betterpleased! Undoubtedly the Summer nights are too long, and the daies tooshort for her to gad up and down traversing the streets of the City, that she may fullfill her desire of shewing it to every body: neverwas any thing more neatly drest. But the Nurse and the Maid with theChild in the mean while at Jericho; for their very backs and sidesseem to be absolutely broken with carrying it up & down from day today. And most especially when the Child is wean'd, and the Wet-Nurseturn'd away, the Maid cannot let it penetrate into her brain; that shenow not only the whole week must rock, sing, dandle, dress, and walkabroad with it; but that she is upon Sundaies also bound to the Child, like a Dog to a halter; and never can stir out, as she formerly did, to walk abroad with _Giles the Baker_, or _John True the Tailor_; norso much as go once to give a visit to her Country-folks or kindred;which occasions no small difference between the Maid and the Mistriss. 

But good House Father, never trouble your self at it, for this belongsalso to the Pleasures of Marriage; nor do not seem discontentedbecause your Dearest walks abroad thus every day; but rather thinkwith your self, she takes her spinning Wheel and reel along with her. And if in her absence, you have not that due attendance, nor find thatin the house and Kitchin things are not so well taken care for, whythen, you must imagine to be satisfied with th'assistance of theSemstress, or some such sort of person, as well as you were when youenjoied the Eighth Pleasure: You must also observe, that if the Childshould sit much, it might get crooked legs, and then the sweet Babewere ruined for ever. It is also too weak yet to be any waies roughlyhandled; but it begins from day to day to grow stronger and stronger:Also with your Dearest carrying it abroad continually to visit allyour friends and acquaintance, it learns by degrees to eat all things, and drinks not only Beer, but some Wine too. And I assure you it is nosmall Pleasure for the Father and Mother to see that this little youngGosling can so perfectly distinguish the tast of the Wine, from thetast of the Beer: tho when it is come to some elder years, perhapsthey would give a hundred pound, if they could but wean it from it. But that's too far to be lookt into. And care too soon taken makespeople quickly gray-headed. 

Before you reach this length, yea perhaps before some few weeks are atan end; you will see this sweet Babe afflicted with either the Measelsor small Pox; and then you'l wish for a good sum of mony that he mightnot be disfigured with them, in having many pock-holes. And it is nowonder, for who knows whether he may be past small-pocking andmeaseling when he is five & twenty years of age? But on the contrarythere may then perchance appear so many glimps of marriage Pleasuresfrom him, that such small things will not be once lookt at. 

For if your Wife be now upon a new reckoning, and you come then, as Ihave told you before, to get a Daughter; you will in time see what apretty sweet Gentlewoman she'l grow to be; how modestly & orderly shegoes to learn to write and read; but most especially to prick samples;which perhaps she'l be wholly perfect in, before she hath half learntto sow: nay its probable that she'l be an Artist at the making ofBone-lace, though she was never taught it. 

Otherwise both you & her Mother will reap an extraordinary Pleasure inseeing your Daughter grow up in all manner of comly and civildeportments; and that she begins to study in the book of _Frenchmanners and behaviours_; and knows also how to dress up her self sofinically with all manner of trinkum trankums, that all theneighbouring young Gentlewomen, and your rich Neeces esteem themselvesvery much honoured with the injoiment of her company; where they, following the examples of their Predecessors, do, by degrees, instructone another in the newest fashions, finest Flanders Laces, thedifference and richness of Stuffs, the neatest cut Gorgets, and manymore such Jincombobs as these. Nay, and what's more, they begin alsoto invite and treat each other like grave persons, according as theopportunity will allow them, first with some Cherries and Plums; thenwith some Filbuds and Small Nuts; or Wallnuts & Figs; and afterwardswith some Chesnuts and new Wine; or to a game at Cards with a dish ofTee, or else to eat some Pancakes and Fritters or a Tansie; nay, ifthe Coast be clear to their minds to a good joint of meat & a Sallad. Till at last it comes so far, that through these deliciousconversations, they happen to get a Sweetheart, and in good time abedfellow to keep them from slumbring and sleeping. And it is verypleasing to see that they do so observe the making good of the oldProverb, _As old Birds did, the young ones sing, Which is a very pleasant thing. _

Happy are you, O you new Housholders, who have already possessed yourselves of so many Pleasures in your marriage; and are now come just tothe very entrance to repossess your selves of them over again; andperchance they'l never depart from you as long as you see the one dayfollow the other. Be not backward or negligent in relating yourhappiness to others; but if there be any distast or disaster that canhappen in the married estate, lock it up in the very Closet of yourheart, and abhor everlastingly the thoughts of relating it; then youwill have many that will pursue your footsteps, and be Listed intoyour Company, & then also will your estate and condition be famousthrough the whole World. 

CONCLUSION. 

Thus long you have seen, Courteous Reader, how that those marriedpeople, who are but indifferently gifted with temporal means, indeavour to puff up each other with vain and airy hopes andimaginations, perswading themselves that all the troubles, vexations, and bondages of the married estate; are nothing else but Mirths, Delights and Pleasures; perhaps to no other end but to mitigate theirown miserable condition, or else to draw others into the same unhappysnare; as indeed oftentimes hapneth. But it is most sad andlamentable, that the meaner sort of people, when they have thrownthemselves into it, make their condition a thousand times worse thenit was before: For they, who at first could but very soberly andsparingly help themselves, do find when they are married, that theymust go through not only ten, but at least a thousand cares andvexations. And all what hath hitherto been said of the ten Pleasures, is only spoken of the good and most agreeable matches; and not of anyof those, which many times are so different and contrary of humour, as the light is from darkness; where there is a continual Hell ofdissention, cursing, mumbling and maundring; nay biting & scratchinginto the bargain, which for the most part is occasioned by thequarrelsom, crabbed, lavish, proud, opinionated, domineering, andunbridled nature of the female sex. Besides there are a great number(which I will be silent of) who do all they can to please others, andCuckold their own husbands. And others there are that disguisethemselves so excessively with strong Waters, that a whole day longthey can hardly close their Floud-gates. So that you need not wondermuch, if you see the greatest part of women (tho they trick themselvesnever so finely up) can hardly get husbands; and their Parents arefain at last to give a good sum of mony with them, that they maydisburthen themselves of them. Insomuch that it is easie to be seenthat they are in effect of less value then old Iron, Boots and Shoes, &c. For we find both Merchants and mony ready alwaies to buy thosecommodities. 

Therefore O you that are yet so happy as to have kept your selves outof this dreadfull estate of marriage, have a horror for it. Shun awoman much more than a Fish doth the hook. Remember that Solomonamongst all women kind could not find one good. Observe by what hathbefallen those that went before you, what is approaching to your self, if you follow their footsteps. And be most certainly assured that theacutest pens are not able to expound the light & feasiblest troublesand disasters of marriage, set then aside the most difficile andponderous. Do but read with a special observation the insuing Letterof a Friends advice touching marriage; imprint it as with a Seal uponyour heart; and lay fast hold upon that golden expression of theglorious Apostle, _It is good for man not to touch a woman. _

THE END OF THE TEN PLEASURES OF MARRIAGE. 

 * * * * *

A LETTER

From one Friend to another, _Desiring to know whether it be advisable to marry. _

_SIR, _

I must acknowledge that the Letter which you have writ me hath givenme some incumbrance, and made me more then three times to ruminateupon the question you propounded to me concerning Marriage; for it isa matter of great importance, that ought to be well pondered andconsidered of, before one should adventure to solemnize & celebrateit. Several of my familiar friends have troubled me touching the verysame subject, and I gave them every one my advice according as theywere affected; but me-thinks I ought not to deal so loose andunboundedly with you, by reason I dare speak unto you with morefreedom and truth. First, there are two things which bind me strictlyto you, Nature and the Affection; and moreover the great knowledge Ihave of this so necessary an evil. I will tell you my opinion, thenyou may use your own discretion, whether you will approve of mymeaning for advice or not. For my part, I beleeve that of all thedisasters we are subject to in our life time, that of Marriage takespreference from all the rest: But for as much as it is necessary forthe multiplying the World, it is fit it should be used by such as arenot sensible of it, and can hardly judge of the consequences thereof. Neither do I esteem any man unhappy, let whatsoever disasters therewill happen to him, if he doth not fall beyond his sence so far as totake a Wife. Those troubles that may befall us otherwise, are alwaiesof so small a strength! that he who hath but the least magnanimity mayeasily overpower them. But the Tortures of Marriage are such aburthen, that I never saw no man, let him be as couragious as hewould, which it hath not brought under the yoke of her Tyranny. Marrythen, you shall have a thousand vexations, a thousand torments, athousand dissatisfactions, a thousand plagues; and in a word, athousand sort of repentings, which will accompany you to your Grave. You may take or chuse what sort of a Wife you will, she'l make youevery day repent your taking of her. What cares will come then toawake and disturb you in the middle of your rest! and the fear of somemischance or other will feed your very spirit with a continualtrouble. For a morning-alarm you shall have the children to awaken youout of sleep. Their lives shall hasten your death. You shall never beat quiet till you are in your Grave. You will be pining at manyinsufferable troubles, and a thousand several cogitations will bevexing your spirits at the chargeable maintenance of your Family. Insomuch that your very Soul will be tormented with incessant crosses, which alwaies accompany this evil, in the very happiest marriages. Sothat a Man ought in reality to confess, that he who can pass away hisdaies without a Wife is the most happiest. Verily a Wife is a heavyburthen; but especially a married one; for a Maid that ismarriageable, will do all that ever she can to hide her infirmities, till she be tied in Wedlock to either one or other miserable wretch. She overpowers her very nature and affections; changes her behaviour, & covers all her evil and wicked intentions. She dissembleth herhypocrisie, and hides her cunning subtleties. She puts away all herbad actions, and masks all her deeds. She mollifies both her speechand face; and to say all in one word, she puts on the face of anAngel, till she hath found one or other whom she thinks fit to deceivewith her base tricks and actions. But having caught him under theSlavery of this false apparition; she then turns the t'other side ofthe Meddal; and draws back the curtain of her Vizards, to shew thenaked truth, which she so long had palliated, and her modesty onlyforbad her to reveal: By degrees then vomiting up the venom that sheso long had harboured under her sweet hypocrisie. And then isrepenting, or the greatest understanding of no worth to you: Perhapsyou may tell me, that you have a Mistriss, who is fair, rich, young, wise, airy, and hath the very majestical countenance of a Queen uponher forehead; and that these are all reasons which oblige you to loveher. But I pray, consider with your self, that a fair Woman isoftentimes tempted; a young, perillous; a rich, proud and haughty; awise, hypocritical; an airy, full of folly; and if she be eloquent, she is subject to speak evilly: if she be jocund and light hearted, she'l leave you to go to her companions, and thinks that the care ofher mind, is with you in your solitariness; and by reason she canflatter you so well, it never grieves you. If she be open-hearted, herfreedom of spirit will appear hypocritical to you: her airiness youwill judge to be tricks that will be very troublesom to you. If shelove playing, she'l ruine you. If she be liquorish and sweet-tooth'd, she leads your children the ready road to an Hospital. If she be a badHousekeeper, she lets all things run to destruction, that hath costyou so much care and trouble to get together. If she be a finical one, that will go rich in her apparel, she'l fill the Shopkeepers Counterswith your mony. And in this manner her lavishness, shall destroy allyour estate. To be short, let her be as she will, she shall neverbring you much profit. In good troth, I esteem very little those sortof things, which you imagine to have a great delight in. 'Tis true, ifyou take a Wife, which is ugly, poor, innocent, without either air orspirit; that's a continual burthen to you all your life time. The oldare commonly despised; the ugly abhor'd; the poor slighted; and theinnocent laught at. They are called beasts that have no ingenuity: andwomen without airiness, have generally but small sence of love. Inthese last some body might say to you, that one ought to take of themthat are indifferently or reasonably well qualified. But I will surgea little higher, and tell you plainly, that that will be just like onewho fearing to drown himself at the brinks of a River, goeth into themiddle, to be the higher above water. You see now, why I cannot adviseyou to marry. Yet I would not have you to beleeve, tho I so muchdiscommend it, that it is no waies usefully profitable. I esteem it tobe a holy institution ordained by God Almighty. That which makes itbad is the woman, in whom there is no good. If you will marry, youmust then conclude never to be any thing for your self again; but tosubject your self to the toilsom will and desires of a Wife, mostdifficult to be born with; to pass by all her deficiences; to assisther infirmities; to satisfie her insatiable desires; to approve of allher pleasures, & whatsoever she also will you must condescend to. Nowyou have heard and understood all my reasons and arguments, you maythen tell me, that you have a fine estate, and that you wouldwillingly see an heir of your own that might possess it; and that itwould be one of your greatest delights, to see your own honour andvertues survive in your children. But as to that I'l answer you, andsay, that your reward shall be greater in relieving the poor andneedy; then to leave rich remembrances to Heirs; and procure you aneverlasting blessing, that you might otherwise leave for a prey toyour children; who it may be are so bastardized in their birth, thatthey are both Spendthrifts and Vagabonds; for it happens oft that goodtrees do not alwaies bring forth good fruit. If, when you haveseriously perused this my Letter, you are not affrighted at yourintention; marry: but if you take it indifferently; marry not. Andbeleeve me, that a man who is free from the troubles & vexations ofmarriage, is much happier and hath more content to himself in one day, then another in the whole scope of his Wedlock. And what's more, asingle man may freely and resolutely undertake all things, to Travel, go to battell, be solitary, & live according to his own delight;without fearing that at his death he shall leave a Widow andFatherless children, who must be delivered over to the Fates, fortheir friends will never look after them. Hitherto I have kept you up, concerning your intention; and further I give you no other advice, then what by your self you may take to your self. If you marry, you dowell: but not marrying, you do better. And if you will incline to me, rather then to marry, you shall alwaies find me to be

 SIR

 _Your very humble servant_

 A. B. 

 * * * * *

 THE

 CONFESSION

 OF THE

 NEW MARRIED COUPLE. 

 * * * * *

[Illustration: THE CONFESSION OF THE NEWLY MARRIED COUPLE LONDON, PRINTED in the JEAR 1683. _Published by The Navarre Society, London. _]

 THE

 CONFESSION

 OF THE

 NEW MARRIED COUPLE, Being

 The Second Part of the Ten Pleasures of Marriage. 

 Relating

 _The further delights and contentments that ly masked under the bands of Wedlock. _

 Written by _A. Marsh. _ Typogr. 

 [Illustration]

 LONDON, Printed in the year 1683. 

 * * * * *

TO THE READER. 

Courteous Reader, _Thy kind acceptance of the First Part, hath incouraged me to goforward with a Second, which I here present thee with; being nowindifferently confident that it will be no worse used by Thee then theBrother of it was: I hope there is never a Part of it, in which thouwilt not find somthing that will please thy Fancy: But for such asprofess to be of the zealousest sort of people, and make use of thegestur of casting up the whites of their eys, when they intend to tellyou a notorious ly, I would not have them to study in it, by reason itspeaks a great deal of truth, and will not be so suitable to theirhumors; because it is a bundle of matter that is scrambled together, which could not be wrapt up in such clean linnen, or drest up in such_holding forth _Language and pious hypocrisie, as such generally makeuse of: It is only fit for truehearted Souls that will solace theirSpirits with a little laughter, and never busie their brains with thesubversion of State and Church government: And being well received bysuch, it is as much as is expected by him who is thine. Farewell. _

 * * * * *

THE

CONFESSION

OF THE

NEW MARRIED COUPLE, _Being_

The Second Part of the Ten Pleasures of Marriage. 

 * * * * *

INTRODUCTION. 

It is an inexpressible pleasure for Travellers, when after manytraverses and tossings too and again, they return quietly home totheir studies and rememorates all the unexpected pleasure that theyencountred with upon the one Coast, and the horrible vexations andconfusions that they had upon another. And the very penning thereof, doth, as it were anew, repossess them of all the pleasures, andconveyeth them through all the Countries, without so much as the leastmoving of a foot. Just so it goes with those that have been under theBands of Matrimony, and are loosed from them: These being then come tobe solitary, at rest, and in quiet, can the more seriously rememorateand recogitate what pleasures they injoied at one, and what thwartingsand crosses they met with at other times. And the writing down ofthese, doth not only afresh regenerate in them the received pleasures;but serves also for a Looking-glass to all married Couples, for themto recogitate what pleasures they have already received, and what joysare still approaching towards them. And for those which as yet knownot the sweetness of the Nuptial estate, it serves for a Fire-Beaconthat they may with all earnestness Sail unto it, and possess thosejoys also. Of those we have before demonstrated unto you Ten PleasantTables: But because the Scale of Marriage may hang somwhat evener, andnot fall too light on the womens side, we shall for the CourteousReader add unto them Ten Pleasures more, being that which some Marriedpeople have since confessed, or to be short with you, was formerlywink'd at, and passed over. 

 * * * * *

[Illustration: 9 _Published by The Navarre Society, London. _]

THE FIRST PLEASURE. 

_The young Couple begin to keep Shop, and demand their promisedPortion. _

Till now, O new Married Couple, you have passed through the First partof your Wedlock with feasting and pleasures, and have injoied no smaldelights in it. But what is there in this World that we grow not wearyof? You have seen that the sumptuosest Feast full of delicate dishes, and the pleasurablest Country Scituations, with al their rich fruits, finally cloggeth, through the continual injoyment of them. 

Nevertheless it is the generall desire of all persons, forasmuch as itis possible, to live in the World in pleasure and delights. Amongstthe rest the gain of mony is none of the smallest pleasures, and thisappears to be the least burthensom, tho it have much trouble in it. Therefore is it very much commendable, O young Couple, though you havea pretty estate of your own, according as your Contract of Marriagetestifies, and as we have also seen by the Wedding you kept, yourapparel, and the other ap and dependances, that you begin to meditatehow to make the best benefit of your stock; and so much the more, because your Predecessors got it with a slavish diligence, reaped ittogether with sobriety, kept it with care, and finally left it untoyou for your great pleasure. It is then also not strange, if you, astrue bred children, keep it carefully, and make the best profit of it;to the end, that your Successors, when time shall serve, may find thatthey have had frugall Parents; and so walk in your footsteps. Verilythis is one of the necessariest meditations in the World. If we couldbut any waies make the dead sensible of it in their grave, undoubtedlythe Reliques of your Parents would rejoice at so happy and carefull anintention of you their children. 

And truly, what is there, among other cogitations, more pleasurable, then to begin with a handsom Shop-keeping? For this through the dailygain, yeelds every day new pleasures, and by consequence a merry life. 'Tis true, Merchandize bears a greater respect, and yeelds alsosometimes great gains; but with these trouble somtimes, it is for themost part subject to great and weighty losses, which is thedestruction of young people, and so intangles the merriest part oftheir lives, that fears and cares deprives them of their night rest. If the wind blow hard, they are presently in a fear that the Ships atsea laden with their Goods and Wares may be Shipwrack'd. If they willassure them, then the Assurer goes away with the profit: and they arealso so greedy and cunning, that the least storm or bad tiding makesthem very slow and circumspect; or if they be not so, it is to befeared, so there happen many losses, that then the Assurer himselfmight come to be lost. 

But the handsom Shop-keeping is the surest and pleasurablest; forevery moment you get new customers as well from abroad as at home, whobuy continually with ready mony; or otherwise pay the old score, andtrust the new. Yea all the news that goes about the City, is broughthome and imparted to you. There's not a man dies, or woman brought tobed, but you have knowledge of it. Well then, what greater pleasurecan there be then this?

Also, young Woman, you may, through love and care, herein be assistantto your husband oftentimes, which you cannot do in Merchandize, and soby degrees learn to understand the Shop, and converse neatly with thecustomers; whereby you can in his absence, also help the customers, and give them pleasing answers, insomuch that you oftentimes attain toas perfect a knowledge of the Trading, as your husband himself. 

You are happy, yea ten times over happy, O housewively young Woman inthis choice, and that not only for your husband, but principally foryour self. For if that mischance might happen to you, that deathshould bereave you of your husband, you find your self oftentimessetled in a way of Trading, which you can manage your self, and setforward with reputation. Nay though you might happen to havechildren, you have the opportunity your self to bring them up in thesame way, and so get a due, faithfull and carefull assistance fromthem, which will not so well be done by Men and Maid-servants, andover whom there is seldom so much command, as over ones own children. 

And if your husband continue in health, and find that Trading growsquick, he perceives that by the assistance of his wife, something elsemay be taken by the hand that is also profitable, and then he willalwaies exercise some sort of Merchandise that is secure andadvantagious. 

It is most certain, sweet Woman, you will be the more tied to yourhousekeeping, and cannot so often go to visit and take your pleasurewith your Gossips as you formerly did, in Coaches or by Water; as ifyour husband had taken any sort of Merchandice in hand; because that aWoman who is married to a Shopkeeper, is as it were also wedded to theCounter, by reason you dare not trust your Shop to old, much less tonew men or Maid-servants, because they do not perfectly understand theTrade, and thereby also find occasion to make one bed serve for bothand junket together; which makes no small confusion in the family; butlittle regard must be taken about that, for the importantest mustalwaies be taken care of. 

And be assured, if the desire of gain, small Trading, and bad paiment, begin once to take possession of you, the thoughts of all the formerpleasures will remove, and you will exchange them for those that aremore noble and becoming, _viz. _ in the well governing of your Men andMaid-servants in the Shop and House, and taking inspection that theybe obedient unto you; the Family must be wel taken care of; going toMarket with the Maid to buy that which is good, and let her dress itto your mind; and every Market day precisely, with the Maid neatlydrest, and following you with a hand-basket, go to take a view ofNewgate, Cheapside, and the Poultry Markets; and afterwards, when yourgot a little farther, then to have your Baby carried by you, neatlyand finically drest up; and in hearing of it, whilest it is in thestanding stool, calling in its own language so prettily Daddy andMammy. O that is such an extraordinary pleasure, that where ever yougo, what soever you delight in, all your delight is, to be at homeagain in your Shop, by your servants; and most especially (when youhave it) to be by your Baby. 

And if you do get a fit to be gadding abroad with some of your friendsand neighbours (for one cannot alwaies be tied as if they were inBridewell, nor the Bow ever stiff bent) why then you haveAscen-sion-day, which may as well be used for pleasure as devotion. And if that be too short, presently follows Whitsontide, then you maysing tantarroraara three daies together, and get your fill of it. Sothat you may find time enough to take your delight and pleasure, thoyou be a little tied to a Shop. 

This being then in such manner taken into a ripe deliberation by someof the nearest relations, it is concluded on to set up a handsom Shop, and to furnish it with al sorts of necessaries; and by that means makethat you may alwaies say Yea and never No to the Customers. 

O how glad the good Woman is, now she sees that her husband, who isotherwise somewhat stifnecked, lets himself be perswaded to this, byhis friends! and how joyfull is the husband that his Wife, who atfirst seemed to be high-spirited, is now herewith so absolutelycontented. 

O happy Match, where the delight and pleasure of both parties, is bentupon one subject. How fast doth this writhe and twist the Bands ofWedlock and love together! Certainly to be of one mind, may very wellbe said to be happily married, and called a Heaven upon Earth. 

Here they are cited to appear who display the married estate toomonstrously, as if there were nothing but horrors and terrors to befound in it. Now they would see how that Love in her curious Crusible, melteth two hearts and ten sences together. To this all Chymists vailtheir Bonnets, though they brag of their making the hardest Mineralsas soft as Milk and Butter. This Art surpasseth all others. 

Yet here ought to be considered what sort of Trading shall be pitchtupon. The man hath good knowledge in Cloath, Silk stufs, FrenchManufactures and Galantries, &c. But the Woman thinks it would be muchbetter, if they handled by the gross in Italian Confits, Candied andMusk sugar plums, Raisons of the Sun, Figs, Almonds, Pistaches, BonChristian Pears, Granad-Apples, and dried fruits; together with Greekand Spanish Wines, delicate Sack, Muskadine, and Frontinyack Wine;which is a Negotiation, pleasing to the ey, delicious for the tast, and beloved by all the World. And by this she thinks she shall procureas many Customers as her husband, because she hath familiaracquaintance with severall brave Gentlewomen, that throw away muchmony upon such commodities, and make many invitations, Treats andFeastings. And she her self could alwaies be presently ready, when shereceived an honourable visit. 

O happy man, who hath gotten such an ingenious understanding wife!that takes care and considers with her self for the doing all fit andnecessary things to the best advantage. And really she is not one jotout of the way, for this sort of Merchandize is both relishing anddelightfull, and must be every foot bought again. 

Now the time requires going to market to buy Fir, Oak, and SackerdijneWood, and to order that the Shop may be neatly built and set up. Andyou are happy, that Master Paywell, who is a very neat Joiner andCabinet-Maker, is of your very good acquaintance, and so near by thehand: He knows how to fit and join the pannels most curiouslytogether, and so inlaies, shaves, and polishes the fine wood, that youwould swear it is all of one piece. 

Well here again is another new pleasure and delight! If all things gothus forward, certainly the wedding-cloaths will in a short time be, at the least, a span too little. O how glad you'l be, when thistrouble is but once over! and that the Shop is neatly built, painted, gilt, furnished, and finely put into a posture. 

O how nobly it appears, and how delightfull and pleasing it will bewhen this new Negotiant sees his Shop full of Customers, and he at oneCounter commending, praising and selling, and one servant bringingcommodities to him, and another hath his hands full with measuring andweighing! And his beloved at another Counter finds imploiment enoughwith telling mony, weighing of gold, and discoursing with theCustomers. Then it wil not seem strange unto you, how it came to passthat your Predecessors got such fine sums of mony together, and leftthem unto you to be merry with. Therefore you ought also, even as theydid, to provide your selves with a curious and easie to be remembredSign, because your Customers by mistake might not come to run intoyour Neighbors Shops. 

I have not yet forgotten that your Grandfather, being a Wollen Draper, first hung out the Sign of the Sheep, and his name was James Thomson, but by reason of his great custom, they called him, by the nick name, of James in the Sheep; which remains still as a name to thegeneration. And in like manner your wives Grandfather, a well customedShopkeeper in silk-stufs, whose name was William Jackson, hung out thesign of the Silkworm, but his son going to school with another boywhose name was also William Jackson, for the making a distinctionbetween them, they gave him the name of William the Silkworm, whichalso remains as a name to the Family. This is not common only amongthe Londoners, but in other Cities and Country Towns, also amongCoachmen, Wagoners, and others. 

But come we wil take our leaves of these people, and turn again to ournew married Couple, who can hardly rest quietly a nights, for theearnest desire they have to see all things accomplished, and theirTrading going forward. And in time Tom Thumb got on his doublet, thohe was seven years pulling on the first sleeve. Yet before you come tothis great pleasure, you'l meet with a troublesom obstruction in theway, which if you can but turn of bravely, it will be much thepleasanter. 

For before the Shop is fully furnisht, you will see what there will bewanting to fill all the corners and places with commodities that mustbe sold by length of time, and to stand out the trust; and also withpatience and meekness expect the coming of mony from slow and badpaymasters: therefore it begins to be time to speak of the promisedPortion. 

Uds bud, what a racket is here now! For the young mans father had madehis full account that he should not already be dun'd for the promisedPortion; not doubting but that the young womans lay all totally readytold of in bags; and thought to take it in the best sence, I will paymy son his interest yearly; and afterwards, in peaceable times, whenthere's little or no impositions, and that my Coffers are betterfurnisht, will then give him the principal. 

And seriously the old man seems to deal herein very cordially, sinceother mens fathers do not do half so well, and only give this for ananswer, _With young men must be promised, and with daughters must begiven. _ And others make their sons give them a bond, wherein he, as byexample, acknowledgeth to be indebted to his father six hundred pound, whereupon the Father closes the match, and promiseth to give inmarriage with his son six hundred pound: which at last comes tonothing at all, and only serves for a perfect cheat to deceive andhood-wink the eys of the pretended Gentlewoman and her Guardians. 

It is no wonder where such Matches are made, if, when such things arediscovered, there be a great deal of time spent, before they can cometo the true pleasure. 

But you, O new married man, who have a liberal father on your side, you can get provisionally your interest, and when times mend yourprincipal. Perhaps it will not be half so well with your wives estate, for she it may be in her maiden estate, hath spent and run out more ingaudy apparel, to intice a Lover, then the interest of her estatecould bear, insomuch that the principal is diminished, or the revenuesthereof received and consumed long before they were due. 

's Wounds in what a sweat and fear, with these sort of cogitations, isthis approaching new Shop-keeper in! How earnestly he runs to herGuardians, to see if they will unriddle him this doubt that he is in. But to his good fortune, he finds it in a much better condition thanhe thought he should. For his dearest, hath spent much less in herapparelling and maintenance, then she could have done, so that there'snot only mony in stock, but rents of her real estate that are yet tobe paid unto her, though there was very much consumed for her Bridesapparel and the other accoutrements. Well this is an extraordinarypleasure, and a great comfort for his panting heart. Uds life how manyhundred kisses are now offered at the Altar of her sweet lips, thatotherwise would not so much as have been thought upon. Therefore onemay easily perceive that mony increaseth love very much; and thatLovers in these times are so bent upon mony, and so diligent in searchof it, is no admiration; nay they scruple not to inquire of theGuardians, and up and down by unsworn Brokers, who negotiate with avery close intelligence in this sort of Flesh-Trade, and draw tendouble salaries (and that ofttimes too from both sides) if they canbut help anyone to a good bargain, and that he obtains access; andafterwards wheedle it about so, that it finally comes to be a match. But what sad issue generally such sort of Matches are attended with, is well known to the whole World. 

You, O Lovers, who seek to be Livry men of the great Company, and aimto possess the pleasures of Marriage, have a care of the inchantingvoices of these crafty Syrens, because they intend to batter you uponthe _Scylla_ and _Charibdis_ where the Hellish Furies seem to keeptheir habitation. These are the only Occasioners of bad Matches, andsuch as raise a Scandal of that Estate, which at once affoards bothPleasure, Mirth and Joy. 

[Illustration: 27 _Published by The Navarre Society, London. _]

But our new married Couple went clear another way to work, who now totheir full contentment, act so many pretty Apish tricks, injoy suchmultiplicities of kindnesses, and toss each other such quantities ofkisses, as if there were a whole Kingdom, or at the least a vastEstate to be gained thereby: So that they find, that in that estate, there are not only Ten, but a thousand Pleasures cemented together init; whereof in the following shall be demonstrated in some part theimperfect gloss, but never the accomplished Portrait. 

THE SECOND PLEASURE. 

_The Husband grows Pipsy; and keeps the first Lying-in: Takes theDoctors advice. Is mocked by his Pot-Companions. _

Just as one Candle lights another, so we see also, that two, sympathetically minded, know, by the cleaving of their lips together, how to breathe into each other their burning hearts-desire, wherewiththe one doth as it were kindle the other, and do every moment renewand blow on again their even just now extinguished delights. 

Of this you have here a pattern from our late married, for whom thelongest Summer daies and Winter nights fall too short to satisfy theiraffections; they hardly know how to find out time that they may bestowsome few hours in taking care for the ordring and setting all thingsin a decent posture in their new made Shop; imagining that they shallalwaies live thus, _Salamander_-like in the fire, without being everindamaged by it. But time will teach them this better. In the meanwhile we will make our selves merry with the pleasure of this marriedCouple, who see now their Shop fully in order, furnisht with severallbrave goods, and a pretty young fellow to attend it. 

But because Customers do not yet throng upon them, they find no otherpastime then to entertain each other in all manner of kindimbracements, and to chear up their hearts therein to the utmost. Hereit may be plainly seen how pleasant and delightfull it is for theyoung woman, because her physiognomy begins to grow the longer themore frank and jocund. 

 _So, that to us, her countenance doth display Her souls content, e're since her Wedding day. _

But just as a burning Candle doth consume, though to it selfinsensible, yet maketh of hers joyfull by its light, so doth our newmarried Man, before few months are expired, find that he becomes thevery subject of flouting at and laughter, among his former boonCompanions; because every one jestingly tells him, that he is sick ofa fever, that the paleness of his Face, the lankness of his Cheeks, and thinness of his Calves, doth shew it most plainly. 

And verily there are some artificial Jesters who do it so neatly, thathe himself beleeves it almost to be true: yet nevertheless, to avoidtheir mockeries, casts it of from him as far as possible may be. Buthis own opinion doth so clearly convince him, that in himself heponders and considers what course is best to be taken. 

But housoever as long as he goes and walks up and down, eats anddrinks, he thinks that the tide will turn again. Yet finding himselfinwardly weaker of body rallies with his own distemper, in hopes thatby his jesting, among his merry Companions, he may from themunderstand what is best, upon such occasions, to be done or avoided;and they seriously jesting say to him: O friend, wean yourself fromyour wife and Tobacco, and drink Chocolate, and eat knuckles of Veal, or else you'l become like one of Pharaohs lean Kine. Oh ho, thinks he, if that be true, I have spent my reckoning this evening very happily. 

Now young woman, don't you admire if your husband comes home at nightdiscontented in mind, for his wits run a Wool-gathering, and he haswalkt in a dump from Towerhill to Tuttle Fields contriving what's bestfor him to do, and how to compass the matter neatly. For to remain sofrom his dear and delicate Wife, not paying unto her the usual familyduty, is below the generosity of a man; and to tell her what thematter is, is yet worse. To leave of Tobacco, and eat knuckles ofVeal, is feasible. But to go to a Coffehouse and alwaies drinkChocolate, that sticks against the stomack. 

Nevertheless Necessity hath no Law. And the Occasion overpowersaffection. Insomuch that after a thousand pondrous considerations, heresolves to deny his dearly beloved Wife a little of that same; and tothat purpose will somtimes in an evening feign to have the headake, orthat he is very dull and sleepy, (which is no absolutely;) and therebycommands his man to call him up somtimes very early in the morning, asif there were forsooth Customers in the Shop, &c. And hunts up anddown among the Chocolate Dealers to get of the very best, preparing ithimself in milk, treating all that come to visit him with Chocolateinstead of Tobacco; and he feigning that he hath an extraordinarydelight in it; and on the other side, perswade his wife that he has ahuge mind to eat a knuckle of Veal, some good broath, and new-laidEgs, or some such sort of pretty conceited diet. 

But perceiving that this avails little, and that he grows ratherweaker then stronger; away he trots to the Scotch Paduan Doctor, whoimmediately prescribes a small Apothecaries Shop, at the least twentyor more several sorts of herbs, to be infused in a pottle of oldRhenish wine, and twice a day to drink half a quartern thereof at atime: Item a Plaister to be applied to his Stomack; and an unguentfor the pit of the Stomack, under the nose, and to chafe the Templesof the head; but most especially to keep a good strengthning diet, &c. 

But this seems to have too much stir in the view of his wife;therefore must be laid aside; and away he goes then to a High GermanDoctor, who without stop or stand, according to the nature of hiscountry, Mountebank-like begins to vaunt, as followeth: _Ach Herr, ihrzijt ein hupscher, aber ein swaccher Venus-Ritter; ihr habt in desGarten der Beuchreiche Veneris gar zu viel gespatzieret, und dasJungfraulicken Roszlein zu oftmaal gehantiret; ihr werd ein groszekranckheyt haben, wan ihr nicht baldt mein herlich Recept gebraucht, aber wan ihr dieses zu euch neimt, ihr zold alzo baldt hups gecuriretwarden, zolches das ihr wie ein redlicher Cavalier andermaaltzoegerust, daz Jonfferliche Slosz besturmen, erobren, und da ubertriomfiren zol. Dan ihr must viel gebrauchen daz weise von Ganze undEnteneyeren, die wol gebraten sind, Rothkohl mit feysem fleischgekockt, alte Huner kleyn gehacket, Hanen Kammen, Swezerichen, Schaffeund Geisse-milch mit Reisz gekockt, auch Kalbs und Taubengehirn vielgegessen mit Nucis Muscati; und Reinischer Wein mesich getruncken; esis gewis wan ihr dieses vielmaal thut, ihr zold wieder kreftich undmechtich werden, und es werd sijner liebsten auch gar wol gevellichzein. _

_In English thus. _

Oh Sir, you are a brave, but a weak Knight, you have walkt too much inthe mid-paths of the Garden, and plukt too often from the Rose-tree, if you make not use of my noble remedies, you'l have a great fit ofsickness; but if you do take it, you'l be very quickly and dextrouslycured; in such a manner, that like a Warriour you may both storm andtake the Fortress, and triumph over it. Be sure then to make often useof the whites of Geese and Ducks-Egs roasted, Red-Cabidge boild withfat meat, old Hens beaten to pieces, Cox-combs, Sweet breads, Sheepsand Goats milk boild with Rice; you must also often eat Calves andPigeons brains with Nutmeg grated in them; and drink temperatelyRhenish Wine; it is most certain that by a frequent doing of this, youwill grow both able and strong again; and it will also be veryacceptable to your dearly beloved. 

Here stands the poor Cully again, and looks like a Dog in a Halter, and perceives that this Doctor Jobbernole gives him an abundance ofwords but few effects for his mony; because all his boasting, doth, for the most part, contain what he had before made use of; and istherefore unwilling to trouble his wives brain with all that boilingand stewing, and all the rest of the circumstances. This makes himtake a resolution to let it take its course. But still growing weakerand weaker, is at last fain to keep his bed, and constrained to sendfor one of our own Country Doctors, and makes his complaint to him, that he is troubled with an excessive head-ake, weakness in the reinsof his back, a lameness in his joints that he can hardly lift his armto his head; together with a foulness of his stomack, which makes himthat he can retain nothing, but is forc't to vomit all up again, &c. Out of all which reasons the Doctor perfectly understands the groundof his distemper; and in the absence of his wife, reveals it unto him. 

O how delicately these Cards are shufled! if the game go thus forward, it will come to be a stately Pleasure! but principally for the Doctor, who privately simpers at the playing of his own part, and never failsto note down his Visits; but most especially if he have the deliveryof the Medicins into the bargain; placing them then so largely toaccount as is any waies possible to be allowed of; which makes theApothecary burst out into such a laughter, as if he had received thetiding of a new Bankrupt. 

But go you forwards Doctor, it must be so, you have not studied fornothing; and it is no small matter to be every time ordering of newremedies; especially when we see that you constantly write. 

 Rx _Vini Rhenani vetustissimi & generostssimi M ij. _

And then again to eat oftentimes Pistaches, Almonds, Custards, andTansies, &c. 

Though since the Patient, like making a Martyr of himself, is in thismanner fallen into the hands of the Doctor, his dearly beloved Wife isnot negligent to acquaint all the friends with it; who immediatelycome running to give a visit to the sick, and speak words ofconsolation to the good woman. But alas grief and sorrow hath takensuch deep root in her heart, that no crums of comfort, though ever sopowerfull, can dispossess her calamities: for the seeing of a husbandwho loved her so unmeasurably, and was so friendly and feminine, to lysick a bed, would stir up the obdurest heart to compassion, andmollifie it with showers of tears. 

But even as all the Relations, by messengers, are made acquainted withthis sickness; report in like manner is not behind hand with making itknown to good acquaintance and arch Jesters, who (as I shewed youbefore) are very ready to appear with their flouts and gibes, andinstead of comforting, begin to laugh with the Patient, saying: O Sir, we have perceived, a long time since, that you were more then halfyour reckoning, and that your lying-in was much nearer then yourwives; and we alwaies thought, because we had tasted out such delicateWedding-wine for you, that you would have desired us to have taken thelike care for to have such at yours, and afterwards at your Wiveslying-in. Yet since it hath not so hapned, we hope that the Doctorhath taken so much the better care for it. 

Thus rallying, they begin to get the bibbing-bottle, and guess at thesame time, as if it had been told them, that the Doctor in his lastreceipt had ordered Rhenish Wine. 

And just as the Women in the Eighth Pleasure of the First Part produceabundance of Remedies; the assembly of Men do here in like manner castup a hundred Receits which makes _Peggy_ the maid blush and be mostcruelly ashamed at; but behind the Window she listens most sharply tohear what's told and confessed by those that be in the Chamber, as tothe further matter of fact. 

For Master _Barebreech_ relates, that as he was travelling the lastSummer into the North, and so forwards into Scotland, going throughEdenburgh, met there with his cousin Master _Coldenough_, who look'dso lean and pale-fac'd; that Master _Barebreech_ told him, in truthCousin, I should hardly have known you; verily you look as if you weretroubled; and I beleeve you have the feeling of a first lying-inthrough all your joints. Well Cousin, saies the t'other, it seems thatyou are deeply studied in the Art of Witchcraft, for I fear its tootrue. I went from home on purpose to take my pleasure for three weeksor a month, that I might store my self with fresh provisions, and singa sweet ditty in commendations of my Betty. Ho, Ho, saith Master_Barebreech_, flatter not your self with such a fancy, that you'l getas much up again in three weeks or a month, as you have been runningbehind hand in four. If you'l do well, let's for a frolick go intoFrance, there's a gallant air, and we shall be very good companytogether, and fear not but that we'l make much of our selves; thenwhen we come home again, you'l find your self so well, and both youand your wife will be thankfull to me as long as you live for my goodadvice of taking this journy. To be short, the Cousins travelltogether, and Master _Coldenough_ came home so lusty, fat and plump, that all his acquaintance, and especially his hungry wife, admiredmightily that he was so fat and corpulent. 

At this all the jesting-wags burst out into a laughter. But havingtoss'd up their cups bravely about again, Peggy comes in with a freshKan, and Master _Winetast_ begins to relate how that he used to befamiliarly acquainted with a certain brave Judge, who had a bucksombouncing Lady to his wife. The Judge feigns a Letter, which at noon, as he was sitting at Table with his Lady, was brought him verycleaverly by his man. He seemingly unknowing of it, opens and reads, that he must immediately, without further delay, go upon a journy;having read that, prepares himself with his man forthwith to be going. 

But whilest the Judge was gone into his Closet, as seeming to takesome important writings along with him; the Lady calls his manprivately into the Parler, and forces him by threats of herdispleasure to tell her, who delivered him that Letter; with a promiseof her favour if he spoke the truth. Whereupon the fellow trembling, answered, Madam, I have received it from my Lord the Judge; but hehath strictly commanded me to keep it secret, so that if he come toknow that I have mentioned any thing of it to your Ladiship, he willhave the greatest displeasure of the World against me. Do not you fearanything, said her Ladiship, but be faithfull in what you do. 

A pretty while after, the Judge having been some time at home, andwalking with his Lady towards their Garden, they met with a drove ofSheep, having but one Ram amongst them: Whereupon her Ladiship askt, Sweetheart, how comes it, that that one Sheep hath such horns, and thet'others none at all? My Dear, said he, that is the Ram, the He-Sheep. What, said she, are the others then all She's? O yes, my Love, answered he. How! replied she, but one Ram among so many Sheep. YesHony, saies the Judge, that is alwaies so, then (sighingly she said)alas poor Creature, how must you long then to walk some other Road!

There had been more related; for Master _Carouser_ was entred upon anew subject; but because the Doctor came in, they were constrained tobreak of. 

But _Ellen_ the starchster, being busie in the Kitchin with theMistriss about ordering the Linnen, having let the Doctor in; saith, Mistriss, the Doctor is come there, and is gone into the Chamber; bymy truly Mistriss, I hear say that my Master hath got a fever. O Nel, saith the Mistriss, this is clear another thing, this sickness is notwithout great danger; and it would be no such wonder, if my husbandhapned to dy of it; and where should we then find the Pleasures ofMarriage that some arch Jesters so commonly talk of. 

But kind Mistriss be not so hasty, it is impossible to express all thePleasures so fully in one breath: you must note, that they are all asit were for the present hid behind the Curtains; neither must youexpect to sail alwaies before wind and tide; and beleeve me there areyet other Nuts to be krackt. 

THE THIRD PLEASURE. 

_Whilest the Husband is from home, the Wife plaies the Divel for God'ssake. The Husband upon his journy will want for nothing. _

It seemed to be a divellish blur in the Escucheon, and a cruelstriving against the stream, that as soon as the Shop was just madeand furnisht, then the good Man falls sick, and keeps the first Lyingin. 

[Illustration: 50 _Published by The Navarre Society, London. _]

But Experience having taught him, that with relishing and solid dishesa man may overclog himself; he thinks it not unadvisable, to take ajourny now and then from home, to see if he can get some new Customersin other Towns, or buy in some Goods and Wares for his Shop; by whichmeans he may as well take as good care for his health, as he doth ofhis Shop-keeping. 

Yet what comes here in the way, the pleasure is so great, and theirloves so tender and newly stamped to each other again; that the youngwoman thinks she shall do, as formerly _Cyana_ did, either consume herself in tears, or drown'd her self in a River, if she must sufferthis. 

Oh, the whole World will be unto her as dead, and without any thing ofmankind, if her dearly beloved depart from her! Well, who will notthen but beleeve that the married estate is full of incomprehensibleand inexhaustible pleasures and sweetnesses? Do but behold how thesetwo Hony-birds, sing loath to depart! Yea, pray observe what a numberof imbracings, how many thousand kisses, and other toyisch actions areused, before this couple can leave one another! Nevertheless thereason of necessity, doth forsooth conquer in a vigilant husband theseeffeminate passions. 

Therefore away he goes, leaving his whining beloved sitting betweenher Sister and her Neece, speaking words of consolation to her; andusing all arguments possible to enliven and make her sorrowfull heartmerry; either of them striving to be most free in proffering to be herbedfellow, and the next day to keep her company: But alas, saies she, suppose ye did all this, yet nevertheless I have not my husband withme!

But because time and good company help to decline and pass awaysorrow; she very happily begins to consider, that she hath now a fitopportunity, to invite her Neeces and Bridemaids and other goodacquaintance, with whom she hath been formerly mighty familiar, tocome and take a treat with her, and to drink a dish of Tee; for theyhave, when she was in her Maiden estate, treated her so many timeswith Tarts, Pankakes and Fritters, Custards, and stew'd Pruins, thatshe is as yet ashamed for not having made them some recompence. Andshe never could find an occasion that was convenient before, becauseone while she dwelt with her Guardians, and at another time with herUncle; who took very sharp notice where on, and in what time herpocket-mony was spent and consumed, that they continually gave her fortrivial expences. Which vext her so much the more, because the treatshe received, was for the most part done, to bring her acquainted withthis or that Gentlewomans Brother, or Cousin, or some other prettyGentlemen; to the end, that by this means she might happen to make agallant Match; and indeed the first original of the wooing, andacquaintance with her beloved, had there its foundation. 

To treat these Gentlewomen when her husband is at home, would no waiesappear so well; and so much the more, because they generally sufferthemselves to be conducted to the place by one or other of theirGallants; who then either very easily are persuaded, or it may be ofthemselves, tarry to take part with them. Therefore this must be doneand concluded on, because she hath now the disposal and keeping of themony as well as her husband. 

Here now must _Doll_ run up and down tan-twivy to borrow aRowling-pin, and some other new invented knick-knacks, to bakeCheesekakes and Custards in; whilest _Mage_ is also hardly able tostand longer upon her legs, with running up and down to fetch new-laidEgs, Flour, Sugar, Spices, blanch'd Almonds, &c. The Mistriss and_Doll_ are able to perform this duty well enough; for they both helptto do it, very neatly at her Neeces birth-day; but the Pastry-Cookmust be spoken to for the making a delicate minc'd Py; and _Mage_ mustrun to the Confit-makers in _Black-Fryers_, to fetch some Conserves, Preserves, and of all other sorts of Sweetmeats, Raisins of the Sun, and more of the like ingredients, &c. For she knows best where allthose things are to be had. And for a principal dish there ought to bea Pot of Venison, a couple of Neats-tongues, a delicate peece ofMartelmas beef, some Anchovis, and Olives for the Gentlemen, becausethey certainly will accompany the Gentlewomen. And truly they thatbring them, may very well tarry to carry them home again; it is alsobut one and the same trouble. Goodman Twoshoes is gone out of Town, and sees it not, neither need he know it when he comes home: He treatsso many of his friends and acquaintance, and then again next dayfollowing invites them to a Fish-dinner. I may very well play my partonce in my life, and have all things to my mind, let come on't whatwill, who knows whether such another occasion may happen again thisthree years. And against next morning, very privately, she invites theGentlewomen alone, to come about nine a clock in the morning, to eathot Buns, and Cakes, for then they come precisely out of the Oven; andin the afternoon again, to some curious Fruit, Pankakes and Fritters, and a glass of the purest Canary let it cost n'er so much, or befetcht ne'r so far. 

Thus runs the tongue of this pretty housewife, that but a while agowas so sorrowfull for the departure of her beloved husband. Certainlythere's nothing comes out more suddenly, or dries up more easily, thenwomens tears!

But hangt no more of that; for the guests will be here presently, therefore all things ought to be in order for mirth. And moreoverthere there are some of them that frequent Mr. Baxter's PuritanicalHolding-forth, whose heads will immediately, in imitation of theirPatron, hang like Bull-rushes; for they are taught to mourn with thesorrowfull, and to rejoice with the joifull. But it is now a time tobe merry, and throw away masks and vizards; for all is done under theRose, and among good acquaintance. And verily if the good woman hadnot this or some such sort of delight, where should we find thepleasures of marriage? for in the first Lying-in of the husband therewas no looking for them. 

Come on then, that mirth may be used, let the Cards also be brought insight; which formerly, out of a Puritanical humour, ought not to havebeen seen in a house; nay, not so much as to have been spoken of; butnow every one knows how to play artificially at Put, all Fours, Omber, Pas la Bete, Bankerout, and all other games that the expertestGamesters can play at. And who knows whether they do not carry intheir Pockets, as False-Gamesters do, Cards that are cut and marked. They learn to play the game at Bankerout so well with the Cards, thatin a short time they can and also do it with their Housholdstuf, Wares, and Commodities. To be sure, you'l alwaies find, that every oneof them, by length of time, are capable of setting up a School, and toact the part of a Mistriss. And most especially they learn todiscourse very exactly touching the use and misuse thereof; just asthese dissimulating Wigs intend to do, though indeed men have neverseen that they practised this lesson themselves. 

But, although the Mistriss and her Companions know little or nothingof these tricks, they serve howsoever, without setting up a School, and that also for nothing, for good Instructresses to their servants, who hereby are most curiously taught, what paths they have to walk in, and what's best for them to do that they may follow their Mistressesfootsteps, as soon as their Master and Mistriss are but gone abroadtogether; who then know so exactly how to dance upon those notes, thatwe thought it necessary, as being one of the principallest Pleasuresof Marriage, also to be set down in the Third Table of the First Part. 

Many women, who are sick of this liquorish and sweet-tooth'd disease, will be grumbling very much at this, that such a blame and scandalshould be cast upon their innocent sex; and say that Batchelors herebywill be afraid to marry; But if they, and the Gentlewomen that were inprivate domineering together, had not gone to Confession, and made apublick relation of it, who would have known it. Therefore this sortof well treated female Guests, are like unto those that when they havegotten a delicate bit by the by, cannot fare well but they must cryroast-meat, though they should be beaten with the spit for it. 

But the good ones, though they are thin sown, who are not distemperedwith this evil, never trouble themselves at what one will say, oranother write concerning women, because their guiltless consciences, serves them as well as a thousand witnesses; and they are veryindifferent whether that the deceased scandal raiser Hippolitus doarise, and come into the World again; daring him in this manner

 _Surge then Hippolytus, out from thy Ghostly nest: Who scandal least esteem, revenge themselves the best. _

Yet howsoever though this is true, nevertheless I must furnish thedelicate stomackt Ladies with some sort of weapons, that they may bein a posture of defending themselves against their vituperous enemies:For verily there are several men that walk not so even and neat intheir waies as they ought to do; and who knows, whether our Mistressesdearly Beloved, at this very present, doth not as many others havedone; who when they are travelling any whither, the first thing theydo, is to be very diligent, and look earnestly about, whether there benot some handsom Gentlewoman that travels with them, by whom they verycourteously take place, shewing themselves mightily humble andcomplacent, and telling them that they are Batchelors or at the leastWidowers; then casting out a discourse of playing a game at Cards, that they may the better see what mettle the Lady is made of, and thenagain when they come to a Baiting-place, or where they must stay thenight over, there they domineer lustily with them, and play the partof a Rodomontade. Where many times more is acted and spent, then theydare either tell their Wives, or their father Confessors of. 

Others there are, who seek not so much such company, but veryartificially before hand, know how to find out such Fellow-travellersas most suit with their own humour; to that end providing themselveswith some Bottles of Canary, and pure Spanish Tobacco; and where everthey come are sure to make choice of the best Inn, where there's agood Table, delicate Wine, (and a handsom Wench) to be had. 

Certainly, if the Husband thus one way, and his Wife another, know howto find out the Pleasures of Marriage, they are then both of themhappy to the utmost. Is it not possible, but that they might, if thiscontinued long, take a journy, for pleasure, to Brokers-Hall? For atfirst it was by them esteem'd too mean a place to be look'd upon, andnot worth their thinking of: but then its probable it may come intotheir considerations, by reason that rents are low there, provisionsvery cheap, and pleasures in abundance; neither hath Pride or Ambitiontaken any habitation there. Nay, who knows but that they might chanceto observe that there is no such need of feasting and junketting; norbe subject to so many visits, because there dwells not such a numberof their friends and acquaintance: and besides all this, you maythere, for a small matter, agree with the Collectors of the Excises, so that, for a whole year, you may have Wine, and severall otherthings plenty, for little or nothing. 

But let's lay aside all this, because they are untimely cogitations, that fly astray; and it is much decenter that we turn again to ourkind-hearted Mistriss, with her merry companions; who now, are aboutthe taking leave of each other; using, to shew their gratitude, wholebundles full of complements; offering them up with an inexpressibleamiablenes and eloquency for the respect and honour they havereceived; and confirm them with so many kisses, cursies, bows andconges, that it is easie to be perceived, that on both sides itscordially meant. And Doll, that good and faithfull servant, is notable to express how pleasing this entertainment hath been to all thecompany. Nay, it lies buzzing her so in the pate, that she cannot beat quiet in a morning, whilest her Mistriss is asleep, but she must, with the Neighbors Maids, either at the opening of the Shop, orsweeping of the street, be tatling and telling of it to them; putting, every foot, into their hands privately, some Almonds and Raisins, that came in by _leger de main_: Relating unto them, as if she did itby a scrole, what a horrible quantity of things she hath to scour andwash, that must be made clean, and set in order, against the time thatthe Bridemaids, as it was mentioned, are to come again alone; and somuch the more, because her Master is daily expected home. Who thenfinally coming in, is not ordinarily welcomed, for she is so full ofjoy that her husband is come home, that both her tongue and actionsare incapable of demonstrating her felicity; and he on the t'otherside, is so glad to find his dearly Beloved in good health, and allthings in decent order, that it is beyond imagination. 

All this while they both laugh in their sleeves, that each one, inth'absence of the t'other, hath taken to themselves such a private ancunning pleasure. Finding so much content and injoiment therein, thatthey both hope to serve themselves again with the like occasion. Omighty Pleasure of Marriage! Who would not but be invited to go intothis estate? Especially if we proceeded to write down and rehearse thefurther Confession of the separate Pleasures of Man and Wife, which ispreserved as matter for the insuing Fifth and Sixth Pleasure. 

[Illustration: 65 _Published by the Navarre Society London. _]

THE FOURTH PLEASURE. 

_The Wife will be Master of the Cash, or mony Chest. _

As Mony is one of the most curiousest Minerals, is it, in like manner, the less admirable, that the handling and use there of rendreth thegreatest Pleasures of the World. It is Loves Fire, and CharitiesFountain. Yea, if Man and Wife in their house keeping may be esteemedor compared to the Sun and Moon in the Firmament; verily, those merrywhite or yellow boies, may very well be considered of as twinklingstars. 

It rejoiceth all mankind to behold in the sky the innumerablemultitude of glittering Stars: but it is a far surpassinger Pleasure, that the new married Couple receive, when they see vast heaps ofSilver and Gold ly dazling their eys, and they Lording over it. 

You, O lately married Couple, possess this Pleasure to the utmost; youhave to your content received your promised Portions; you onely wantthe great Iron Mony-Chest to lock it up in securely, and to keep itsafely, that it may be laid out to advantage. O how pleasant the freedispensation thereof is unto you! What a noble Valley it is to walk inbetween these Mountains, and to delight your eys with such an object!

Yet nevertheless, O faithfull Couple, here is need that a great dealof prudence be used, as well in the laying of it out, as thepreserving of it. In ancient times it hath been often observed andtaken notice of, that where mony was hid, the places were generallyhanted with terrible spirits, and strange Ghosts, that walked there, coming in frightfull apparitions: but since they have been driven outof our Country and Houses; there's another sort of Imp come in, tentimes wickeder then any of the other; which regards nor cares neitherfor Crosses, Holy-water, Exorcisms, or any sort of Divel-drivers; butdares boldly shew himself at noon-day, namely a Plague-Divel, whichsets Man an Wife together by the ears, to try who of them both shallhave the command and government of the Cash or mony-box. 

And to the end he may herein act his Part well, he knows how verysubtlily first to fill the weak womans ears full, that she ought aboveall things to have the command of the cash; because she had such agreat Portion; and that it is her mony which she hears gingle so. Andthen again, because the care of the house-keeping is appropriated tobe her duty, it is against all reason, that she, like a servant, should give an account to her husband, what, wherefore, or how thatthe mony is laid out; because the necessaries also for house-keepingare so many, that they are without end, name or number, and it isimpossible that one should relate or ring them all into the ears of aMan. Likewise the good woman cannot have so fit an occasion every footto be making some new things, that she may follow the fashion, as itis usual for women to do; much less to have any private pocket-mony, to treat and play the Divel for God's sake, with her Bride-Maids, whenher husband is gone from home. 

And on the contrary, when men pay out any thing, it goes out by greatsums, according as is specified by the accounts delivered, which mustbe set to book, and an acquittance given: This cannot be so done withevery pittifull small thing that belongs to house-keeping. Insomuchthat the Husband can then, with all facility, demand what Mony isneedful for his occasion from his Wife. 

Moreover, when the Wife hath the command of the mony, she can alwaiessee in what condition and state her affairs stands; and by taking goodobservation thereof, her husband cannot fob her off with Pumpkins forMusmillions; but she'l easily perceive whether she be decreasing orincreasing in her estate. So that if her husband might come to dy, andshe be left a Widow with several children, she can immediately see andunderstand in what posture her affairs stands, and whether she begotten forward or gone backward in the World. 

And what's more yet, it would be a great shame for a Woman, who hathalwaies been so highly respected by her husband; and as it appeared toall the World, was honoured like a Princess; that she should withindores be as servile as a servant; and must be fed out of her husbandshands, just as if she were a wast-all, a sweet-tooth, or gamestress, &c. 

With these, and a thousand such like arguments, doth this Plague-Divelknow how to puff up the vain humours of the weak Women, to the truepitch of high-mindedness. And on the contrary, is in the mean whilebusie with flatteries, to stir up the husband to idle imaginations andself-conceitedness; demonstrating unto him, that he is the Lord, andguide of his Wife; created to command her, and she to obey him. Thatit is most easie to be perceived, what a noble creature Man is, whilest that Woman who is so handsom and haughty, is nevertheless butadded unto him as a servant. Therefore if he once admit his Wife intoan equality with him; he will then be subject to see that she will bestriving for the predominancy: and that it is the greatest curseimaginable in a Country, for Women to Lordize over Men. And for thesereasons they ought to be but like the nul in Figures, and to be keptas a Controuler by the Harth, the Pot, and the Spinning-wheel. Whilestthey that deliver up to them the keys of the Mony-Chest, are deprivedof all their superiority, and like Men unman'd, have only the namebut cannot obtain the effect. 

In such manner doth as yet this Divel-plaguing Spirit domineer, byclear daylight, in many of the principallest houses and hearts, andmakes oftentimes so great a difference and discord about the key ofthe Cash, that the Cash it self seems to get Eagles Wings, and swiftlyflies away. Whilest the husband, perceiving that the Wife seeks todeceive and take the key from him, is alwaies possessed withabhominable suspicions; certainly thinking that she is minded to makesome unnecessary thing or other, or to hide some mony from him; whichmakes him watch her waters so much the stricter; and is not ashamed togive out and make what he hath a mind to for his own pleasure. 

And the Wife, perceiving that her husband is so sneaking, and forsoothso circumspect, with subtilety contrives and practises how to make himpay out mony for all what she hath any waies a mind to; by that meansmaking her self Mistriss of the Mony-Chest, beyond his knowledge, though he hath the name, and carries the keys in his Pocket: for ifshe have a mind to new Stays for her self or daughter; away she goesto a Silk-shop, buies Stuf to her mind, and causeth it to be made asmodish as possible may be; and having tried that it fits and pleasesher fancy fully; then it is brought home by one or other of her trustyacquaintance, who come at a convenient time appointed, just like somepetty Brokester, proffering it forsooth in sale to the Mistriss, andtilling her a relation that it was really made for such a Lady, butthat she died whilest it was making; and for that reason it may be hadfor a very low price; yea, that it is such a cheap bargain, thatperhaps the like may not be had again this ten years, &c. 

Thus the good wife knows rarely well how to play her part, and beginsto reckon how many ells of Stuff, how much for lining, and the makingthereof would come to cost: so that her husband, by reason of thecheapness is curious of himself to desire her to try it on; andfinally, sees that it fits her, as if it had been made for her. To beshort, after much cheapning and bargaining, the price is concluded on, though it be against the husbands stomack, or the Cash wel can bearit; and then the Broker is ordered when she hath such or the likeother good bargain to come again, and let them see it. 

In this manner the Wife fetches about by the by as much as she can, and hoodwinking her husband e'en as she pleases; for at other timesthere comes to be sold Table-cloaths, Napkins, and then again Coats, Sheets, Blankets, and all sorts of necessaries for housekeeping andhabit, from some Gentlewoman or other that its left to, by the deceaseof some friend, &c. 

Insomuch that the Wife, through the niggardliness of her husband, imbezles away and buies more, then otherwise she would do; making itall her delight and sole pleasure, to blind fold her narrow-soul'dPeep in the Pot, (as she calls him;) although she, by these waies andmeans, doth jestingly consume her own self. But this belongs also tothe Pleasures of Marriage. And if it in the conclusion prove to be apain, patience is the best remedy. 

But be merry, O new married Couple, that you, like unto young _Toby_, have found out the remedy, how to drive away this Devil-Plaguer ofyour Wedlock; by living in love and tranquility, equally confiding ineach other, desiring no superiority; but with a true cordiality, interchangeably granting, and having each alike freedom of the monies;the Husband hath the keeping and government of the keys, and the Wifewants for no mony; nay hath access also her self to it. Who can doubtbut that your family will be blest, and your stock of monies increase. 

And that so much the more, because the Husband hates playing atTables, and the Wife is an enemy to Cards, which hath been theoccasion ofttimes on both sides of the consuming much mony, andtherefore is little used by some Shopkeepers; leaving that toGentlemen to lose both time and mony, who therein seek their pastime, delight and pleasure. And this is in like manner imitated by manygreat Ladies, who are often so cruelly addicted to Card-playing, thatthey somtimes value not, in one evening, the losing of very greatsums, and yet know how to maintain their respects therein veryprudently and gallantly; but in the mean while let the Millaner, Linnen-Draper, Tailor, and Shoemaker run most miserably and shamefullyafter them for moneys from one month to another, ofttimes from oneyear to another, as if they came begging to them for a peece of bread;and when they do pay them, it must not be taken notice of by theirLords and husbands. 

These generally use the greatest violence against the peace of theFamily; because this superfluous expence, and liberal disposition ofmy Lady, is very seldom pleasing to my Lord, who little thought thather Ladiship would have been such a spend-thrift of the Cash. 

But since great Lords, as well as other meaner sorts of persons, areshot and pierc'd by one and the same blind Cupid, they are in likemanner subject to such casualities of adversities and pleasures; andevery one perceives, when it is too late, what kind of election hehath made; just as they do who begin a War, but before its halffinished are weary of it. Therefore

 _To Battel be ye slow, but slower be to Wed, For many do repent, untill that they be dead; But if avoided then, by you it cannot be, A thousand Counsellors will well deserve your Fee. _

[Illustration: 60 _Published by the Navarre Society, London. _]

THE FIFTH PLEASURE. 

_Of Mens negligence of their affairs; whereby their Antic-tricks andloss of time is discovered. _

Verily the Women, being the weakest Vessels, are many times mostcruelly impeacht, when the Marriage-Ship sails not well before Windand Tide: just as if they, to whom is only given the charge of theFamily, care of the Kitchin, and nourishment of the Children, were theoccasioners of sad casualities and disasters in the Merchandizes andShop-keepings: When, on the contrary, the negligence of the Men ismany times so great, that if the Woman knew not how to carry her selflike a prudent _Abigail_, it would be impossible ever to bring theShip to a safe harbour, and to free it from Shipwrack, but all thingsmust run to a total destruction. 

Many men are free hereof, who are continually using their utmostindeavours, and take their chiefest delight in the promotion of theiraffairs, by day with their bodies, and at night with their sences, areearnestly busie in contriving them it. Whose main aim is, to livehonestly, to get a good name, to shew good examples to their Childrenand Servants, to leave somthing to their Widows, and never to be alaughing-stock or derision to their enemies. And this manner ofdiligence makes no labour irksom, no morning too early, nor noevening too late for them. 

But others, on the contrary, are so easie humoured, and so negligentof their vocation, that they think its much below the respect of aMan, to be seen whole daies in their houses with their Wives, andabout their affairs. Then in such cases, there must, by every one inhis calling, be found a multitude of lame excuses, before they canblind the eys of a quick-sighted Woman, or pin it upon her so far, that she perceives not he seeks his pleasure from her, in whom hiswhole delight ought to be. 

If it be _Doctor of Physick_, he forsooth hath no time to study, because he must go to visit a Patient that hath a violent Ague, to seewhat operation the Cordial hath done which he ordered him to takeyesternight; for if any thing else should come to it, he wouldcertainly be a dead man, &c. 

And if you do but trace his paths and Patient, it is by his friend, who yesternight was troubled with a vehement Cellar-Fever; and at thevery last, before he went to sleep, took in a swinging bowl of strongliquor; which made his Pulse beat so Feaverish and disorderly the nextmorning, that he was necessitated, at one draught, to whip off a lustyglass of Wormwood-Wine, (an excellent remedy for the Ague;) and thento walk an hour or two upon it, wherein the Doctor accompanying him, it causes the better operation. 

Here now you see the Doctor, and what Ague the Patient hath, what hetakes for't, what comes to it, and how dead a man he is. Truly theDoctor hath made as neat a guess at it, as if he had studied long forit. Hang the Books, when a man hath his Art so perfect in his Pate. 

For this, the Doctor hath so much good again, when he hath a mind tovisit a Patient in Tuttle-street, or St. Jameses Square, this Patientwalks along with him for company. And when one hand washes the otherin this manner, O then they are both so Silver clean!

Turn you about now to the _Counsellors_, and see how their Studies areall on Fire, only to be going too and again from one Court to another, to hear, forsooth, this or t'other Cause pleaded, that mightilyconcerns them, thereby to take their measures accordingly: When to thecontrary, it serves to no other purpose then to sell a parcel ofChatwood, and tatle tales, of some brave Practitioners, a great dealworse then women would do; and finally to appoint a place, where inthe evening they may accompany their Fraternity at a good glas ofWine. 

Under this bundle resorts continually the Shittlecock Excisemen, accompanied with Collectors and Promooters, who are the greatestBellringers in Taverns, and somtimes, in one evening, spend as much inRhenish Wine, Oisters and Tobacco; as ten sufficient Families would doin a month. These live without care, and command freely out of a fullpurse, imagining in themselves that all the Revenues are their own. And if their Wives do, in the least, but peep into their concerns;they presently baptize it with the name of going upon an exploit, tochase a fat Doe, or neatly to attrap some Defrauder. And that thispart may have the better gloss, when they come home in the morning, they have their pockets full of mony, which they throw into theirwives laps; and tell them that they have attrapped some body, andagreed with them for a great sum of mony, having in part of paimentreceived this; when to the contrary, it is all the King and Countriesmony, only taken out of their Offices. This generally lasts so long, till they are pursued by the Treasurer, and are arrested, and claptup, or that they prevent it by playing Bankrupt, and in this mannerleave a sorrowfull Widow and Children behind them. 

By these the Foolwise _Notary's_ for the most part join themselves;making their Wives beleeve that they are sent for into this or t'otherAlehouse or Tavern, about an Excise-mans business; or to write a Will, or a Contract of agreement of Merchandize; though it be to no otherend or purpose then to have a perfect knowledge who plaies best atTicktack, Irish, Backgammon, Passage, or All-fours. From thence thenthey cannot come before it be late in the night, and have learnt thereto make a Scotch Will so wel, that they are, by two witnesses, halfcarried, and half trail'd home to their houses; bragging still, thatthey have had Wine and Beer, and received mony into the bargain. Thusall things is baptized with the name of having earnest business. 

The like knowledge have also the _Merchants_, _Shop-keepers, _ andothers who love company, to alledge for their excuses and defence; butthe most fashionable, give it the name of going to a sale of someLands and Houses, Parts of Ships, Merchandizes, Shop-Wares, Meetings, or Arbitrations. Though many times, in more then a month, there hathnot been the least sale of any of the aforenamed Commodities, oroccasion for any such sort of businesses. 

And verily whom do you see sooner or later at the Exchange then thesesort of people? And 'tis no wonder: for since they indeavour not tohave the name of _brave Negotiants_, their principallest aim is toobtain the name of _great News-mongers, _ and that hath so muchtittle-tattle in it, that it requires a person free from all affairsand business to be imploied therein. 

Here you may perceive them to be the most diligent of all others, oftner inquiring what tidings there are in the French, English, andFlanders Letters; then to know what news from the Seas, concerning thearrivall or loss of Ships, or what Merchandizes, Commodities andWares, are risen or fallen in price. 

Nevertheless these make the greatest bawling and scolding at theirWives, if they have not their Dinners made ready for them precisely anhour before Change-time, just as if the main weight of all theTraffick and Negotiation at Change, lay upon their shoulders; thoughit only tends to follow the train, and to hear some news, or to seeksome Pot-Companions. 

These Blades will be sure also, in the Winter time by four, and in theSummer time by six a clock in the evening, to be precisely at theCoffe-houses; where, under the taking of a pipe of pure SpanishTobacco, some dishes of Coffe, Chocolate, Sherbate, or Limonado, thereis a relation made of the newest tidings, or what is most remarkableof things that have hapned here or there. They hear there no clockstrike, nor think upon Wives, Children, or Servants, though it werenever so late. 

There's another sort of Men, that do not frequent the Exchange, and goout only about their Shop affairs, these we see taking their pleasuresfor several hours together at Queenhithe and other places, withselling of chatwood; and when they are a weary with walking andtalking, away they go to the Plume of Feathers to rest themselves, andcall for half a pint, or a pint of Sack, and some to the Strong WaterShop, and drink a quartern of Cinamon water, Clove-water, or Aquamirabilis. 

And these imagine themselves to be of the most orderly sort; by reasonthat some men, in the Summer time, take their pleasure most part ofthe morning, to be busie at their Wormwood Wine; and consume theirafternoon in clashing and quafing off the bottels of Old Hock andSpaw-water. And when it grows cold, and the daies short, then they areearly at the Strong-water Shop; and in the evening late in theCoffe-houses; and again twice or thrice a week precisely, and thatmore devouter then once in a Church, they are most certain to be foundat the Playhouses. 

Whilest others again are earnestly imploied in taking their pleasuresin a Coach, or on horseback, ambling, trotting and gallopping alongthe high ways, from one Country Fair, or Horsemarket to another; andat every place where they see but a conveniency to stable theirHorses, there they are certain to bait; and consume an infinite dealof time; especially if they happen to find any Horse-Coursers there tobe chatting and chaffering with. 

These are much like unto those that take delight in Pleasure-boats andBarges, who with the smallest gale of wind, are stormed out of alltheir occupations; nay, although they were never so important, yet thevery breathing of a warm Zephyr blows not only all business out oftheir heads, but themselves in person out of their Shops andCounting-houses. 

Here you may behold them with unwearied bodies rigging of their Masts, spreading of their Sails, hailing up their Spreet and Leeboards, andall in a sweat catching hold of the Oars to be rowing, whilest at homethey are too weak or lazy to move or stir the least thing in theWorld, nay can hardly bring pen to paper. For to neglect such agallant and pleasant day of weather, would be a crime unpardonable. 

 _No lover of a boat, may stay within a Port, Though Shop and Office both, should dearly suffer for't. _

Others again are sworn Pigeon Merchants, and every Market day in theforenoon precisely, let it cost what it will, must be attending there, and the rest of the week both morning and afternoon at theirPigeon-traps. Here in they take an infinite pleasure, hushing up theirPigeons to flight, then observing the course they take; looking uponthe turning of their Tumblers; and then to the very utmost, commendingthe actions, carriages and colours of their Great Runts, Small Runts, Carriers, Light Horsemen, Barberies, Croppers, Broad-tail'd Shakers, and Jacopins; taking care and making so much provision for their youngones, that they let both their own young, and the house-keeping, runto destruction. 

But there are the Cock-Merchants surpass these abundantly; who, uponcertain penalties, must at the least, thrice a week appear in theCock-pit; and there, before the Battel begins, consume two or threehours at Tables, and in Wine, Beer and Tobacco; whilest they attendthere the coming of their Adversaries and other lovers of the sport. Here then a view must be taken of each others Cocks, which areforsooth according to their merits and value, set apart in their Coopseither in the yard, or above in the Garret, to be fed as is mostconvenient; and there's then a discourse held concerning them, as ifthey were persons of some extraordinary state, quality, and greatvalour. Not a word must be spoke, (as much as if there were a penaltyimposed upon it) but of Cock-fighting. Here Master Capon vaunts thathis Game-Cock was hard enough for the gallant Shake-bag of Sir JohnBoaster; although Sir John Boasters famous Shake-bag, but three weeksbefore, had fought against that incomparable Game-Cock of SquireOwls-eg, and claw'd him off severely. 

Here you may see abundance of Country Gentlemen and rich Farmers, coming from several parts with their Cocks in their bags to theBattel; hanging them up there in ample form till it be their turns tofight. And there also you may behold Lord Spendall brought thither inhis Coach very magnificently, and carried home in no less state; butseldom goes away before he hath either won or lost a pretty number ofGuinneys. 

Yea there's Squire Clearpurse, with his Princely companion, who keepalwaies six and thirty Game-Cocks at nurse by the Master of the Pit;never goes away from thence, before he hath got, by his ordinarydunghill Cock that runs about the streets, and without false spurstoo, half a score Crown-pieces, and as much more as will pay hisreckoning in his pocket. But if they both begin to appear with theirShake-bags, then it is, Stand clear Gentlemen, here comes the honourof the Pit; and then the Master of the Pit must have out of eachBattel for Sharpning the Spurs, and clipping of the neck feathers, half a Ginny; and then when the Battels ended, he brings into thereckoning half a Crown _extra_ for Brandy, Salve, and cherishing andchafing it by the fire, &c. But for this, they have the honour also tobe in the Chamber with the principallest Gentlemen, to sit in the bestplaces of the Pit; to turn the hour-glass and like prudent Aldermen, in the presence of all the Auditors, to give their judgements touchingthe contending parties; where there are generally more Consultations, Advices, and Sentences, held and pronounced, then are to be found orheard of in the principallest Law-books or Statutes of the Kingdom. 

It would be here an everlasting shame; if the Conqueror, like aNiggard, should carry all this mony home; therefore the greatest partmust be given and generously spent with the company. This is the dutyof every one, whose Cock hath beaten anothers out of the Pit, and wentaway Crowing like a Conqueror. Nay, what's matter if it were allspent, its no such great peece of business; the honours more worththen the mony. 

In the mean while it grows late in the night, and the good woman, withthe Table covered, sits longing, telling every minute, and hoping forthe coming home of him, who seems to find and take more pleasure inCockfighling, then like a brave Game-Cock himself to enter into thePit with his Wife. O most contrary and miserable Pleasure of marriageon the mens side. 

But amongst these Cock-Merchants, I am of opinion, there's none hathmore pleasure then the Master of the Pit; because he gets more for thefeeding, clipping, salving, and anointing of them, &c. Then ten goodNurses, and put them all together. And moreover he hath all thepleasure for nothing, and is mighty observant to feed and tickle theirfancies, and obey their commands, that their delight therein may themore and more increase, and the reckoning also be ne'r a whit theless. 

And these Lovers and Gentlemen are no sooner departed, but he laieshim down very orderly in a very fashionable Bedstead, hung round aboutthe Curtains and Vallians with Hens-Eg-shels suck'd out. But if hedid, for the same purpose, suck out all the Cocks-Egshels, it would bea much more rare and pleasant sight. 

There is yet another sort of men, which we in like manner find, thatconsume their time, neglect their occasion, and spend their mony withDog-fighting, Bull and Bear-baiting, as the Cock-Merchants do withCock-fighting. One way that they take pleasure in, is to bring theirDogs together, and there fight them for a Wager of five, or ten pound, and somtimes more; which mony must be set or stak'd down, though theyhardly know how to find as much more again in the whole World, andthere the poor Dogs by biting and tearing one anothers skins and fleshin pieces, for the pleasure of their fantastical Masters; and if theWager be, in the least manner to be contradicted, then too't they gothemselves, and thump and knock one another till they look more likebeasts then men. 

This being done, the next meeting is, to try their Bear and Bull-Dogsat the Bear Garden; the match being made, all their wits must bescrew'd up to the highest, how to get mony to make good their wagers;though Wife, House and Family should sink in the mean while: Then awaythey go with their Tousers and Rousers to the Bear-garden, and thenthe Bull being first brought to the stake, the Challenger lets fly ather, and the Bull perceiving the Dog coming, slants him under thebelly with her horns, and tosses him as high as the Gallerys, this ismuch laught at; but his Master, very earnestly and tenderly, catchinghim in the fall, tries him the second time, when he comes off withlittle better success: Then his Adversary lets loose his Dog at theBull, who running close with his belly to the ground, fastens underthe Bulls nose by the skin of the under-lip; the Bull shaking androaring to get him loose, but he holds faster and faster; then up fliecaps and hats, shouting out the excessive joy that there is for thismost noble victory. 

Now comes the Bear dogs, being stout swinging Mastives; and theBearard having brought the Bear to the Stake, unrings him, and turnshim about, so that he may see the Dog, that's to play at him; theChallenger lets fly his Dog, which being a cruel strong Cur rises upto the Bears nose, fastens and turns him topsy-turvy; there's no smalljoy and an eccho of Shouts that makes the very earth tremble; thenthere's pulling and hawling to get him off from the Bear: Then theAdversary let's fly his Dog, who coming to fasten, the Bear beingfurious and angry that he was so plagu'd with the first Dog, claps hispaw about the back of him, and squeezes him that he howls and runs;there stands the Master, looking like an Owl in an Ivybush, to see thestakes drawn, and he haply with never a penny in his pocket, hath nomony at home, nor knows not where to get any. And that which vexethhim worst of all, is, that his delicate Dog is utterly spoil'd. 

But we'l leave of these inhuman, and brutal stories; and rather relatethe Confession of another sort of Men; who are generally of a longingtemper, not much unlike to the big-bellied weak women; nay, sometimesdo therein far surpas the Women: And altho they know that it is neverso damagable or hurtfull unto them, yet dare boldly say:

 _When Women long, it harms by chance, But mens desire's a worser dance. _

And in this they are both bold and shameless, clear contrary toWomen-kind; in so much that they without fear or terror, dare, at noonday, say to their Pot-companions: I have a mighty mind to a pipe ofTabacco, come lets go to the Sun, half Moon, or to the Golden Fleece, and smoke a pipe: where they rip up such a multiplicity of discourse, and consume so much time and Tabacco; that if they tasted neither beernor wine, they might with all reason be upbraided to be debauch'dpersons. But it would be a work as inexpressible as infinite to relatetheir longing appetites at all other times, to Musmillions, Seldry, Anchovis, Olives, or slubbring Caviart, with all their appurtenances. Much more their liquorishness at Oisters, where they stand greedilyswallowing them up in the open shops, not giving themselves time tosend for them to a Tavern, and eat them decently. 

If they did thus, in the presence of their Wives, they might have somepleasure of it also: But the content hereof seems to consist therein, that either alone, or with their Fraternity, they may thus lustilysatisfie their longing appetites. 

Here we shall commend the Lovers of Tee, because they are willing tomake use of it in the company of women; although there be now a daiesso much formality used with it, and so much time idly spent in theconsumption of it, that it seems almost as if this herb were foundout, or brought over to no other purpose, then to be the occasion ofan honest chatting-school, between men and women; where you may haveintelligence of all that passes betwixt married and unmarried personsthroughout the whole City. And wo be to them that have the leastsymptom of a meazle upon their tongue, for the true lovers of Tee, arelike unto the Suppers up of Coffy, and are the best News-Mongers forall things that happens in the City, yea almost in all Kingdoms; andwhen you hear the men speak seriously of such matters; it is as ifthey had the best correspondence for intelligence out of all PrincesCourts; but especially, if this miracle be wrought thereby, that theWater be changed in to Wine. 

Others, who love neither Tee nor Coffy, and yet are very desirous toknow what passes in the World; you may find mighty earnestly, for somehours, stand prating in the Booksellers Shops; alwaies asking whatnews is there, what Pamphlets, what Pasquils, what Plays, what Libels, or any of the like rubbish, is lately come out; and then they mustbuy and read them, let it cost what it will. 

Here they make the sole balance of State-business. Here, with greatprudence, discourse is held of the importantest State-affairs, and ofthe supreamest persons in authority; and in their own imaginationsknow more then both the Houses of Lords and Commons. Although theynever sate in Councel with any of their Footmen. Nay they know to theweight of an ace, and can give a perfect demonstration of it, which ofthe three Governments is best, Monarchy, Anarchy, or Democracy. Whichmany times takes such a deep root and impression upon them, andtouches them so to the very heart, that they absolutely forget thegoverning of their needfull affairs which they went out about; forwhen they come to the place where their occasions lay; they find theperson either long before gone abroad, or so imploied with his ownbusiness, that he can hardly a quarter do that he ought to do. 

'Tis true some soft natured women, that are as innocent as Doves, observe not these sort of actions and tricks; but suffer themselveseasily to be fopt off by their husbands; or else by a gentlesalutation are appeased; but others who are cunninger in the cares oftheir Shops and Families, can no waies take a view of these doingswith eys of pleasure. 

Yet this is nothing near the worst sort, and is naught else but akind of a scabbiness that the most accomplishedst marriages areinfected with. And verily if the husbands do thus neglect their times, and their Wives, in the meanwhile, like carefull Bees, are diligent inlooking after their Shop and housekeeping; they ought, when they docome home to speak their minds somthing freely to them. 

But the imaginary authority of men, many times surges to such height, that it seems to them insupportable, to hear any thing of a womanscontradiction, thinking, that all what ever they do, is absolutelyperfect and uncontrolable. And can, on the contrary, when their Wivesgo to the Shambles or Market, reckon to a minute in what time theyought to be back again: And wo be to them, if they do, according tothe nature of women, stand and prattle here or there their time away, concerning Laces, Cookery, and other houshold occasions. 

But you, O wel married Couple, how pleasant it is to see that you twoagree so well together! That either is alike diligent and earnest intaking care of their charge. That your husband many times saith untoyou his houswife, my Dear, it is a curious fair day, go walk abroad, and give a visit to some or other of your good acquaintance; I shalltarry at home the whole day, and will take sufficient care of allthings, and in the evening come and fetch you home, &c. And you againin like manner, upon a good occasion, releeve your husband, and takedelight in his walking abroad with some good friends to take hispleasure, and to recreate and refresh his tired sences. 

If he be a little sickish of that distemper and that he will somtimesspend a penny upon a Libel or new Tiding; that is a great pleasure foryou, because you know that the Booksellers and Printers must live; andevery fool must have one or t'other bawble to play with. 

You had great reason to be dissatisfied if he consumed his mony in theTavern or with Tables. But you know that Ben Johnsons Poems, andPembrooks Arcadia, did so inchant you, that they forc't the mony outof your Pocket; yet they serv'd you in your Maiden estate with verygood instructions, and shewing you many Vertues. You may thereforethink, that such men who desire to surge higher in knowledge, willhave somthing also to be reading. And it is most certain, whilest theyare busie with that, their Wives are free from being controled. 'Tisalso undeniable, that men cannot alwaies be alike earnest in theiraffairs; for verily if they be so, they are for the most part great_Peep in the Pots_ and directers of their Wives, who have certainlytheir imperfections. And it is the principallest satisfaction, andgreatest pleasure in marriage, when a woman winks or passes by theactions of her husband; and the husband in like manner the actions ofhis wife; for if that were not so, how should they now and then inpassing by, throw a love-kiss at one another; or how should they atnight be so earnest in pressing one another to go first to bed. 

'Tis therefore, above all things, very needfull for the increasing oflove, that a woman wink at many of her husbands actions; especially ifhe keep no correspondence with Tiplers, that will be alwaies in theAlehouses; and there too will be serv'd and waited upon, forsooth, toa hairs breadth; nay, and as we perceive, if the Wife brings in theAnchovis upon the Table, without watring them a little, as oftimeshappens there, then the house is full of Hell and damnation. For thesesmaller sort of Gentlemen, are they who sow strife and seditionbetween man and wife, and continually talk of new Taverns andAlehouses, clean Pots, and the best Wine; they alwaies know wherethere is an Oxhead newly broach'd: and the first word they speak, assoon as they come together, is, Well Sir, where were you yesternight, that we saw you not at our ordinary meeting place? Ho, saies thet'other, 'twas at the _Blew Boar_, where I drunk the delicatest Winethat ever my lips tasted. You never tasted the like on't. If I shouldlive a thousand year, the tast would never be out of my thoughts. Nay, if the Gods do yet drink Nectar, it is certainly prest out of thoseGrapes. Words cannot possibly Decipher or express the tast, though_Tully_ himself, the father of eloquence, having drunk of it, wouldmake the Oration. What do you think then, if you and I went thitherimmediately and drunk one pint of it standing? I am sure, Sir, thatyou will, as well as I, admire it above all others. Done it is, andaway they go: But it is not long before you see those roses blossomingin their hands, of whose smell, tast, and colour a neat draught istaken, and an excellent exposition of the qualities. Yet the t'otherGentleman commends it to the highest; though he is assured that hetasted a Glass in Master _Empty Vessels_ Cellar that was fardelicater, and that he would far esteem beyond this. Nevertheless heacknowledges this to be very good. But the pint being out, the firstword is, _Hangt, What goes upon one leg? Draws t'other pint of thesame Wine. _ And then they begin to find that the longer they drink, the better it tasts; which is an undeniable sign that it is pure goodWine. And this pint being out again; presently saies the t'other, _Allgood things consist in three:_ so that we must have the t'other pint. Where upon the second saith, As soon as this is out, we will go withthe relish of it in our mouths to Master Clean Pints, to tast his andthis against each other. I am contented, so said so done; and thus bythe oftentimes tasting and retasting, they grow so mighty loving, thatit is impossible for them to depart from one another, because theyevery foot say, they cannot part with an empty Pot, and this love in afew hours grows on so hot, that the love of the Wife is totallysquencht; not only drawing men mightily out of their business, butkeeping them late out from their families; and making them likeincarnate Divels against their Wives. From whence proceeds, that whenthey come either whole or half drunk home, there is nothing well totheir minds, but they will find one thing or another to controul, bawlor chide with. 

To these also may be adjoined those who generally resort to the Miter, Kings Arms, and Plume of Feathers, or some other places where theycommonly make their bargains for buying and selling of Goods andMerchandizes; from whence they seldom come before they have spent alarge reckoning, and lost more then three of their five sences;thinking themselves no less rich then they are wise; and ly then verysubtlely upon the catch to overreach another in a good andadvantagious bargain; by which means they themselves are somtimescatcht by the nose with a mouldly old sort of unknown commodity, thatthey may walk home with, by weeping cross; and next morning there theystand and look as if they had suckt their Dam through a hurdle, andknow not which way to turn themselves with their Merchandize they havemade; in this manner, bringing their Wives and Children (if they letthem know it) into excessive inconveniences; and for all this want fornothing of grumbling and mumbling. 

 _Some sorts of men, Are Tyrants when, Their thirsty Souls are fill'd: They scold sore hot Like_ Peep in th' Pot _And never can be still'd. They talk and prate_ At such a rate, And think of nought but evil; They fight and brawl, And Wives do mawl, Though all run for the Divel. But at their draugh, They quaff and laugh Amongst their fellow creatures. They swear and tear And never fear Old _Nick_ in his worst features. Who would but say Then, by the way That Woman is distressed, Who must indure An Epicure With whom she'll ne'r be blessed. 

In this last many Fathers commit great errors, who, when they arehot-headed with multiplicity of Wine, take little regard of the badexamples they shew unto their Children and Families. Nay some thereare that will in their sobrest sence go with their sons, as if theywere their companions, into a Tavern without making any sort ofdifference; and also, when there is a necessity or occasion for it, know but very slenderly how to demonstrate their paternal prudence andrespect; but in this manner let loose the bridle of government overtheir children. 

Thus I knew an understanding Father do, who with some other Gentlemen, and his son, being upon a journy together, to take care of someimportant affairs; but seeing that at every Inn where they came, thathis fellow-travellers were resolute blades, and that he must pay asdeep to his son as himself; exhorted his son to take his full share ofall things, and especially of the Wine; every foot whispering him inthe ear, Peter, drink, and then after a little while, again, Peter, drink; And as he recommended this so earnestly to his son, he himselfvery diligently lost no time to get his share; which continued so longthat going out of the chamber for their necessities, they both fellinto a channel, where clasping each other in the arms, the son said, Father! are we not now like brothers?

By this we may observe, what the Father of a Family, by his examples, may do. But you, O well-match'd Woman, have no need to fear this sortof president in your husband, because he is a perfect hater ofexcessive drinking, and an enemy to such company that alwaies frequentTaverns and Ale-houses; and if he doth go once among goodacquaintance, and take a glass more then ordinary, which is butseldom, there's nothing that he doth less then maunder and mumble; buthe's all for kissing, hugging and dallying; hating pot-company to thehighest, or those that make it their business, or spend their times inthe Summer with going a Fishing, and in the Winter go a Birding; uponwhich sort of Gentlemen this old rime was made:

 _Who in the Winter Bird, and Summers go a Fishing, Have no bad meat in Tub, that is not worth the dishing. _

But your husband on the contrary, takes especial care of his affairs;and for the pleasure and ease of his wife, goes himself to market, there buies a good joint of meat or a Fowl, and gets it made ready, and sits down and eats it with his beloved: Then when he and you havevery relishingly satisfied your appetites, and drunk two or three glasof wine into the bargain, he invites you very quietly to walk upstairs into your chamber to say a day-lesson. Well who could wish forgreater Pleasure then this!

O good Woman, how happy are you, if, as well as your husband you cankeep your self in these joys and delights. What state or condition isthere in this World that may be compared to such a loving, friendlyand well accomplished match! For without jesting, it happens hardlyonce in a thousand times that a match falls out so well. And althoughit did, yet it is not free from a thousand crosses and dissatisfactions, which are done unto you either by children, wicked friends, orsomtimes bad neighbours: and are oftentimes so many, that if they wereall drawn up in one Picture; we should, in good truth, see more griefand horror in it, then is demonstrated in the very Picture of Hell itself. But one pound of the hony of sweet love, can easily balance ahundred weight of that terrible and bitter Wormwood. 

But where is there one among all the whole number of tender youngGentlewomen, who being incountred by an airy exquisite Lover, thatdoth not start back with a thousand troublesom cogitations; andbeleeves, that he, who thus earnestly affects her, is at the leastpossessed with one of these terribly evil natures? Nay, perhaps withsome what else, as a cross-grain'd pate, a grumbling gizzard, not welin his sences, jealous thoughts, or the actions of a Cotquean are hiscompanions; and that is more then all these, keeps hid a certainimbecility in his defective nature; which is no waies to bediscovered till the nuptial rites be absolutely celebrated. 

This seems to be a great occasion and reason to have an abhorrance formarrying. But when we begin again with serious judgement to consider, the weaknesses, strange humors, and deficiences, that the mostgaudiest and neatest Ladies are subject to; experience will teach us, that they are Cakes bak'd of one Dough, and Fruits of one Tree. 

And therefore they are very happy, if two of one mind, and alikenatured meet together; but if two of contrary humors happen together, there is nothing to be expected but grief, sorrow, and destruction;unless it happen that the understanding of the one knowsextraordinarily how to assist the weakness of the other; by somtimesletting loose a rope and then drawing it in again; whereby they maythe prudentlier sail against wind and tide. These do arrive in theHaven of the Pleasures of Marriage, whereas others on the contrarysuffer most miserable Shipwrack. 

[Illustration: 116 _Published by the Navarre Society, London. _]

THE SIXTH PLEASURE. 

_The Woman hath got the Breeches. What mischeefes arise by it. Counselfor the unmarried. To shun those that are evil natured. _

Under a thousand Pleasures that we find in the estate of marriage, itis none of the least, to see the Woman put the breeches on, seemingthat she will act the part of a Jack-pudding. But melancoly menoftentimes cannot bear with such sort of jesting, and presently bawland rail at such a Woman, calling her a Monster, or some other illname. Although they know very well that such sort of Monsters are nowa daies so common, that if they were all to be shewn in Booths forfarthings a peece, there would be less spectators, then there was tosee the Sheep with five legs, or the great Crocodile. 

Verily, such men are unhappy, and they do not a little also neglectthese Pleasures; when they, forsooth, think that by the putting on ofthe breeches, must be understood that they are over Lorded, and thatthe Hen crows louder then the Cock. O miserable man, if your head bepossest with this kind of frenzy, and can't be removed! Verily, if youhad but seen the Plate of the Women fighting for the Breeches, youwould be of another judgement. For in those daies the man was glad tobe rid of them, if he could but get the lining untorn or indamaged;for he saw perfectly that the World was at that time so full of thosepretty Beldams, that there was begun a most bloody War between thebetter sort of Gentlewomen, and the meaner degree of Women, for thegaining of the Breeches, wherein Ketels and Pans, Tongs andFireshovels, Spinning-wheels, Brooms and Maps were all beaten out offashion. And it may very well be thought, that if the Woman had putthem on at first, and so have helpt him to have kept them, thiswonderfull and destructive War would never have risen to that fury. Therefore it is no small prudence of the Women in these daies, who aredescended from that family, to take care, at the very first, for thegood of their husbands, that the Breeches may be well preserved. 

But let's be serious, and pass by all these kind of waggeries; if weconsider the husband as Captain, and the Wife as Lieutenant, is it notin the highest degree necessary, that she should have also a part ofthe masculine knowledge and authority? Besides, women must be silentin Politick and Church-government, why should not they have somthingto say in those places where they are houswives? We see certainly, that the men, for the most part, cannot tarry at home, and will begoing hither or thither to take the air, or for his pleasure, or tosmoke a pipe of Tabacco; as is shew'd you in the Fifth Confession; ifthen, in the mean while, the Woman, through occasion of some Customersin the Shop, or in the government of the Men and Maid-servants shouldnot in some measure shew that she had in part the Breeches on, andthat she could in the absence of her Captain, take care of hisCommand; how is it possible that the Trading should be kept in order, and the Children and Servants well governed? I will not so much asmention that there are several men, who are so dull-brain'd, and soexcessive careless, that if they had not had the good fortunes to getnotable sharp-witted young women to their Wives; they of themselveswould have been quickly out of breath, and might now perhaps be foundin the Barbado's or Bermoodo's planting Tabacco. 

O stout Amazonians, who thus couragiously, take the Weapons in hand, to defend and protect your Husbands, Children, Servants andhouskeeping; why should not you have as great commendations given you, as those noble Souls of your Sex had in former times? and who wouldnot rather ingage in the imbracing of you, then any waies to affrontor bespatter you?

I know wel enough there will come some times a whiffling blade, thatwill be relating one or other long-nosed story, how like a drunkenNabal, he was well instructed by his prudent and diligent wife; andhow little that he would obey or listen to the commands of so brave aCaptain; but they will very seldom or never say any thing what groundsor provocatives they have given her for so doing. 

Nevertheless my intent is, not so much to flatter the evil or badnatured women, as if their throwing out their ire upon their husbands, had alwaies a Lawfull excuse or cause. Just as Xantippe did, who wasSocrates's wife, think that she had reason enough on her side toscold, brawl at, and abuse that wise and good natured Philosopher, andto dash him in the face with a whole stream of her hot Marish piss. Orthat it did any waies become that hot-ars'd whorish Faustina, togovern that sage and understanding Emperor Marcus Aurelius. By nomeans, for then that hot-spirited, and high minded sex would prick uptheir Peacocks-tails so much the higher. But happy would all thesehair-brain'd houswives be, if they had such Tutors to their husbands, as Aurelius was; 'tis most certain, that then that corrupt seed, wouldbe cropt in the very bud and not be suffered to come to perfection. 

Yet you new married Couple, are both in heart and mind concordant, andall your delight is to please each others fancy: you have nodifference about the Supremacy; for the Authority of the one isalwaies submitted to the other; and so much the more because yourhusband never commands you as if you were a Maid; but with thesweetest and kindest expressions, saith, my Dearest, will you bid theMaid draw a glass of Beer or Wine, or do this or that, &c. Oh if youcould but both keep your selves in this state and posture, how happilyand exemplarily would you live in this World! But it happens manytimes, that the Women through length of time, do take upon them, andgrow to be so free, that they will be solely and totally Master; andif their husbands through kind-heartedness have given them a littlemore then ordinary liberty, they will have the last word in spight offate. 

So have I seen one who could by no means keep her self in that firstand Paradice-like life; who observing her husbands good nature, thought her self wise enough to govern all things, and to bring him toher Bow; which, by degrees, to his great discontent, did more and moreincrease in matters of the housekeeping. 

But it hapned once that the good man, went to the Market, and havingbought a delicate Capon, meets with a friend, whom he invited to behis guest; and going home with it, his wife powts, maunders andmutters and looks so sowr that the guest saw well enough how welcomehe should be. The good man with fair and kind words sought to removethis, which was in some measure done. 

But a pretty while after, the goodman being in the market, buies acouple of delicate Pullets, and sends them home with a Porter; butthe Wife told him she had made ready somthing else, and had no need ofthem; therefore, let him say what he would, made him bring them backagain: The good man meeting with the Porter, and perceiving thecross-grainedness of his wife, sends them to a Tavern to be madeready, and gets a friend or two along with him to dispatch them, anddript them very gallantly with the juice of Grapes. At this, when hecame home, his wife grin'd, scolded, and bawl'd; yet done it was, andmust serve her for a future example. And she on the contrarypersisting in her stif-necked ill nature, made a path-road for theruine of her self and family, because he afterwards, to shun his wife, frequented more then too much Taverns and Alehouses, and gave thebreeches solely to his wife. 

Not long ago, just in the like manner, there married an indifferenthandsom Gentlewoman, with a proper, handsom, honest and good naturedGentleman; but the Gentlewoman imagining her self to be as wise as aDoctor, acted the part of a Domineerer, controuling, grumbling andchiding at all whatsoever he did; insomuch that all his sweetexpressions could no waies allay her; but rather augmented her rage;yea insomuch that at last she saluted him with boxes and buffettings. But he seeing that no, reasons or perswasions would take place, andthat she grew the longer the more furious, locks the dore to, andcatches her by the coif, instructing her with such a feeling sence, that at last she got open a window and leaps out, thereby escaping theremaining part of that dance. Away she flies immediately to her Fatherand her Brother, but they, very well knowing her ill-naturedobstinacy, both denied her houseroom. Yet the next day, through theintercession of others, there was a pacification made and a truceconcluded on, which did not long continue so. For she, beginning againher former wicked actions, made him run to the Tavern there to allayhis disturbed sences, leaving her to wear the Breeches. But now theyare rid of mony, credit, respect, and every thing else. 

Another Gentlewoman of late daies, seeing that she had married a goodmild-natured husband, that was not guilty of any vice, exercised herauthority and wickedness so much the more over him; yea so far, thatin the presence of several neighbors she oftentimes knockt, thumpt, and cudgelled him; that at last she was called by every one _Theincarnate Divel_. But he, after some years of suffering thismartyrdom, hapning to dy, there comes another Lover very suddenly tocast himself away upon this Hellish peece of flesh; but she had ofhim, being a just punishment, such a beloved, that he thunderd herthree times as bad about, as she did her first husband; and then flewPots, Kans and Glasses ringling and gingling along the flore, and sheon the top of them, well and warm covered with good thumps andfisty-cuffs, and somtimes traild over the flore by the hair of thehead. O miserable terrors of such a horrible State and condition! Whocan but shake and quiver, yea with fear start back, when they begin tofeel the least motion to the same in their bodies? and so much themore, because that we see that this present World is so mightilyreplenished with such numbers of monstrous, wicked and unhappy women, who hide their wickedness and ill natures under their powdered locks, and flattring looks; and like a Camelion, in their Maiden estate, willbe agreeable to all things that are propounded to them; but beingmarried, they abandon all rationality, make their own passions theirmasters, and cannot understand by any means the pleasures of theirhusbands. Though they certainly know, and have daily experience, thatthere is nothing under the Sun, which hath a bewitchinger power uponthe hearts of their husbands, then the friendliness and kindcompliance of their Wives. This hath in ancient times done a thousandwonders and is as yet the most powerfull to drive all stuborn andill-natured humors out of the heads of men; and can lead them, as itwere by the hand, in to the paths of Reason, Equity and Love. 

O happy Women, who, in this manner have the hearts of men in yourhands, and can bring the same to your obedience where you will; whatmeans and waies ought you not to indeavour by dallyings and kindactions to gain the same on your side! you certainly know, that themain Butt which is aim'd at by all mankind, is to pass through thisshort life of ours with pleasure and quietness: But alas! what life, what rest, what pleasure can he possess in this World, who hath hapnedupon a scolding, and no waies friendly wife?

Oh if all Lovers knew this so well, they would never suffer themselvesto be led away captive by the jettish eys, and marble-like breasts, orstrangle themselves in the curled locks of women; but would imbracetheir kind naturedness to be the surpassingest beauty. 

But the carnal desires, and covetousness of mony, blindeth the eys ofso many, that oftentimes for the satisfaction thereof, they will, contrary to all exhortations, run headlong, and cast themselves into apit of infinite horrors and vexations of Spirit: chusing rather aproud, finical, blockheaded Virgin with two thousand pound, then amean, kind-hearted, understanding one, with ten thousand Vertues. 

This was that which the prudent King Lycurgus sought to prevent, whenhe gave out his commands that no Parents should give any portions withtheir Daughters in marriage, or might leave them any thing for aninheritance; because he would not have them to be desired in marriageby any, but for their beauty and vertues; in those daies the vitiousremained, just as now doth the poor ones, most of them unmarried, andcast aside, and every Maid was hereby spur'd up, that her Vertuesmight in brightness and splendor surpass others. 

Happy are you, O Father of the Family, who without the least thoughtsof Lycurgus, have made so good a choice and have gotten a Wife that isbeautifull, rich, good natured, and vertuous; you learnt first to knowher well, that you might the better woe her, and so be happy inmarriage. Make this your example, O all you foolish and wandringLovers, who are so desirous to tast of the Pleasures and sweetness ofmarriage; and are somtimes so disquieted and troubled till you castyour selves upon an insulting, domineering Wife, who perhaps hath theBreeches already on, and will vex you with all the torments imaginablein the World. Do but use these few remedies for your squanderedbrains, and be assured they will bring you to have good fortune andtranquility. 

Search not after great Riches, but for one of your own degree; for theRich are insulting, self-conceited, and proud. 

Admire no outward beauty; because they are proud of their beauty, andimagine themselves to be Goddesses, whom their husbands ought toobey. 

Shun those who are much lesser then your self: For when a mean onefinds her self promoted by a great Match, she is much prouder andself-conceited then one of a good extraction; and will much soonerthan another indeavour to domineer over her husband. 

Dissemble not in your wooing. For dissimulation deceives its ownMaster. 

Be not too hasty. For a thing of importance must be long and prudentlyconsidered of, before a final conclusion can be made. 

Follow the advice of understanding friends. For to be wise, and inlove, was not given to the Gods themselves. 

Chuse no Country wench: For she'l want a whole years learning, beforeshe'l know how to shine upon a house or Office, and two years to learnto make a cursie. 

If you marry, arm your self with patience. For he that hath the yokeof marriage upon his shoulders, must patiently suffer and indure allthe disquiets and troubles that that estate is subject to. 

If these things be observed by you innocent and wandring Lovers, theywill much assist you in your choice, but not preserve you from being aslave; because the Gentlewoman whom you have chosen, hath till thistime be past, had one or other ill condition, which she knew how tohide and dissemble with, that you never so much as thought of, orexpected from her. Cornelius Agrippa knew this in his daies, when hesaid, men must have and keep their wives, e'en as it chanceth; if theybe (saies he) merry humored, if they be foolish, if they beunmannerly, if they be proud, if they be sluttish, if they be ugly, ifthey be dishonest, or whatsoever vice she is guilty of, that will beperceived after the wedding, but never amended. Be therefore veryvigilant, you wandring Lovers, and sell not your liberty at so low aprice, which cannot be redeemed again with a whole Sea of repentances. 

And you, O silent Gentlewomen, methinks you long to know whether therebe no remedies for you to be had, that you may also be as well arm'dagainst the rigid natured, subtle and dissembling Lovers, as well asthey have against the vitious Gentlewomen; take notice, that since youhave subjected your selves to that foolish fashion of these times, never of your selves to go a wooing; but with patience will expect whowill come for you, that rule must be first observed, and regard takenof him that cometh, then it is the time to consider, principally. 

Whether he loveth you for your mony, or for your beauty. 

Inquire whether he have a good method, or way, for the maintaining ofa Family. For if he have not that to build upon, the whole foundationwill tumble. 

Search also whether he be of an honest, rather then great extraction. For Vertue is the greatest Gentility. 

Inquire also whether he be a frequenter of Alehouses; especially ofsuch as are of an evill reput. 

 _To be a lover of such houses, Makes him to think of other Spouses. _

If he be covetous of honour, he hath several other Vertues. 

Hate a Gamester like the Plague; for they are consumers of all; naytheir very gain is loss. 

Abhor a person of no imploy, or gadder along the streets; for they arefit for nothing. 

If you marry, shew all honour, respect, and love to your husband. Indeavour not to Lordize over him; because that, both by Heaven andnature is given unto him. 

In so doing, you will have, as well as our new-married Couple, theexpectation of a happy match; which though it falls out well, yet issubject to severall accidental corruptions; as you will perceive inthe further Confession of the insuing Pleasures, even as if they werea Looking-glass. 

THE SEVENTH PLEASURE. 

_The bad times teaches the new married Couple. Makes them bravehousekeepers. They take in Lodgers, and give good examples to theirChildren. _

It was formerly very pleasant living, when Trading and Merchandizingflourished so nobly, that every evening people were fain to carry awhole drawer full of mony out of the Counter in to the Counting-house;and then the good woman had alwaies two or three hours work to sortit, before they could so much as think of going to bed: but it seemsthat destructive War, as being a scourge from Heaven, for ourdissatisfied Spirits; hath so lamentably humbled the Land of ourNativity, that there are very few who have not now just causes enoughto complain. 

And you, O young people, shall be witnesses hereof, who have already, in that short time that you have been married, experience that thingsdo not alwaies run upon wheels so merrily as was expected. 'Tis trueyou possess the Pleasure of an indifferent Trade, as well as the restof your Neighbours; but it is not in any measure to be compared withthose golden daies that your Ancestors had, when they could lay up somuch wealth, and yet complained they had but little custom. 

[Illustration: 135 _Published by The Navarre Society, London. _]

Verily, when I rightly consider it, methinks you are happier then theywere. For at that time all their delight was, by a covetous frugality, to reap much riches together, and though that hapned very well, yetthere was never enough; for mony is no impediment to a covetous soulbecause it alwaies yearns for more. But now on the contrary, it isesteemed to be very nobly done, and people take an absolute delight init, if they can but tell how to scrape so much together, that they maykeep the Dunners from their dores, bring up their childrenindifferently well, and pay the taxations and impositions that areimposed upon them. In good truth, they that can do this now, areworthy of as much credit and reputation, as those were that prosperedmuch in former daies; and their Pleasure ought not to be lesser thenthe others before was. 

O happy Successors, who through the contentment of your minds, possessnow as great Pleasure, as your rich Parents formerly did, in theirplentifull daies. Verily, your gain is comparatively better thentheirs, because you are satisfied with so much less; and byconsequence when the hour of death approaches, you can so much theeasier depart from this World, by reason you shall not leave so manyknives behind you that may cut your childrens throats. 

Therefore if your Trading should come to diminish more; and that youcan hardly tell how to keep both ends together; then comfort yourselves with this happiness; to the end that the Pleasures of yourmarriage, may thereby not be eclipsed. For in bad times you must asdiligently search after the Pleasures of Marriage, as for gain andgood Trading. 

But it seems, as you imagine, that this Pleasure rather decreases thenincreases; because that the small trading, is accompanied with badpaiment; and where ever you run or go to dun, you find no body athome, but return back to your house with empty pockets. For there isMaster Highmind, and Squire Spightfull, who come every day in theirVelvet Coats to the Change, are not in the least ashamed that theGoods, which they bought to be paid ready down, after the expirationof a full year, are not yet paid. And Master Negligent, who is alwaiesin an Alehouse, and seldom to be found in his Counting-house or at theChange, thinks it is abundance too early in July, so much as to lookupon the reckoning of last New-year, much less to pay it. 

Nevertheless others have their Creditors also, and this Bill ofExchange, and that Assignment must be paid at their due times; yea, and the Winter is approaching, Wood and Coals must be bought, theCellar furnisht with Beer and Wine, and some Firkins of Butter, andprovision made for the powdring-tub to be filled, as well as severalother sorts of necessaries for the Family that will be wanting. Insomuch that this affords but a very slight appearance of concludingthe year in Pleasure. 

But, O carefull House Father, if you knew in what a happy age youlive, you would not go away so dissatisfied, but imbrace all theseaffairs very joifully for extraordinary Pleasures. 

Hitherto you have gone forward like one young and unexperienced, andhave meant with Master Dolittle, alias John the Satisfied, that thingswere to be done with kissing, licking, dallying, and other fidlefadles; but now you are come to a more sober, serious understanding, and to have mans knowledge, and the same prudent conduct that yourParents and Friends had, when they were assembled together about yourContract of Marriage, and then thought of all these things. Now youare grown to be a Master of Arts in the University of Wedlock. Andgreat Juno laught, that Venus hath so long hoodwink'd you. 

Come on then, these films being now fallen, from your eys, do butobserve how prudent carefull Time hath made you, and how circumspectand diligent you begin to be that you may get through the World withhonour, commendations, and good respect; how like a care taking Fatheryou are now providing for your Wife, Children, and whole Family. Oh ifyour Father and Mother were now alive, how would they rejoice in thisyour advancement; which are indeed the upright Pleasures of Marriage. For all married people, draw the cares, here mentioned, along withthem; though they come with a bag full of mony about their necks in tothe World. 

Do but see, till now you have had a brave and splendant house, paidgreat rent, only for your self and family to live in; now you begin toconsider with understanding and Pleasure, whether a dwelling of lessprice would not serve as well, in which you might have a Chamber ortwo that you could let out to some civil Gentlemen, who might dietwith you; it would help to pay the rent, and bring some profit inbesides; and it is all one trouble for boiling, roasting, and going toMarket: the day goes about nevertheless, and the Maid suits her workaccordingly. And moreover, you have good company of them in yourhouse, and alwaies either one or another at dinner begins to relatesome kind of pretty discourse, that is continually very pleasurableand delightfull to be heard. 

Observe how glad your Wife is concerning this resolution! There hathnot been these three years any Proclamation published, which pleasedher fancy better: for now her husband will have some pastime, and goodcompany at home, so that he needs not go to seek it in the evening inAlehouses or other places. Well who cannot but see here how one maylearn through honest Time and Experience, what Pleasures they areaccompanied with?

But stay a little, and to be serious with you, when you get suchguests, you'l see how they will plague you; for the generalimaginations of such Gentlemen are, that all the monies they spend, ispure gain, and that the Landlord and Landlady alwaies ought to providesuch sort of diet as they have most a mind to: and though it be neverso well drest, yet there shall hardly come one dish to the Table, butthey will be finding fault that this hath too much pepper in it, andthat too much salt, &c. Besides all this, both Maids and Men, and allwhat's in the house, must be at their commands; nay be readier andnimbler to serve them then their Master and Mistriss. And that's more, you are deprived of the whole freedom of your house and table. Ithappens also many times, that they have so many visiters, and runnersafter them, that they require more attendance; and the maid hath morework with them alone, then the whole house-keeping besides. 

This is the general course of all fellow Commoners; I will not say anything of a worser sort, which are many times amongst them; who run inthe mornings to Strong-water Shops, and in the afternoon to Taverns;where they so disguise themselves, that one must be ashamed for honestpeople who are in the Shop, or standing upon the flore, that seesthem either come in a dores or down from their Chambers, hardly ableto stand; besides they value not if they tarry out late at nights;and, if it be possible, they will intice the good man of the house todebauch with them. And then again they are seldom free from privatechatting and pratling with the Maid and Men servants. 

But perhaps you may light of a better sort, which Time, who is themother of all things, will make appear. Let it be as it will, here isalwaies pleasure and delight to be expected for the good man, becausethe good woman by this means increaseth to more knowledge ofhousholding affairs; and therefore is alwaies busie, like a prudentmother, in educating, governing, and instructing her children. 

Yea, if you, O Father of the Family, will go a little further, andbehold with clear eys, how far your wife, through these bad times, isadvanced in understanding and knowledge; I do assure you, you willfind your self as ravisht with joy; because this is as great atransformation as ever Ovid writ of. For whereas at the beginning ofyour marriage, all her cogitations were imploied for the buying oflarge Venetian Looking-glasses, Indean Chainy, Plush Stools andChairs, Turkish Tapistry, rich Presses and Tables, yea and whatsoeverelse was needfull for neatness and gallantry; we see now, that all hersences are at work, where ever they may or can be, to save and spareall things, and to take care that there may not so much as a matchnegligently be thrown away. 

Formerly, your good wife used, by reason of her youth, and want ofknowledge, to walk very stately, hand in hand with you, along thestreets, finically trickt up with powdered locks, and a laced Gorgetand Gown, and had commonly need of, at the least, three hours time, before she, with the help of two serviceable assistants, could be putto her mind in her dress; and then again all her discourse was ofwalking or riding abroad, and of junketting and merriment; whereas nowon the contrary, seeing the small gain, she is sparing of all things, and ordring it to the best advantage for the family; without so muchas setting one foot out of her House or Counter unnecessarily. Neverthinking more of gadding abroad, to take pleasure; but finds all herdelight by being busie in her houskeeping, amongst her children andservants. Here you may behold her driving the maid forwards, andsetting her a spinning, to keep the sleep out of her eys; and withthis intent also that she may have the delight to get yarn enoughready towards Winter, to let a brave Web of Linnen be woven for theservice of the Family. Yea, and here she shews you, that though beforeshe was but a Bartholomew Baby, that she is now grown to be a bravehouswife. And that, if need requires, she can put a hand to the ploughstoutly. 

O happy man, who in such a sad and troublesom time, can find out somany Pleasures of Marriage, and who art already so well instructed inthat most illustrious School!

'Tis true, you will meet with some jeering prattle-arses, that willsay, is this that brave couple, that there was such a noise made ofwhen they were married! Is this the Gentlewoman that used to go socostly in her Gorgets and Gowns! Goes she now with a plain wastcoat!alas and welladay! doth her feathers begin to hang thus! Well, is thisthe Gentlewoman that used alwaies to keep two maids! Can she now makea shift with a little wench that earns her wages with spinning, andher diet with doing the house work? it must certainly ly very nastilyand sluttishly at her house. 

'Tis very true, this might happen to you, and it would seem to eclipsethe Sun of your Pleasures of Marriage very much; if you had not now, Owell matcht Couple, through the instruction of the winged Time, gottensuch prudent eys that you can easily see through such vain and simpleClouds. 

But now you apprehend, to your great joy and comfort, that this arrowcomes out of the Quiver of such as are indebted to every body, andsuffer themselves daily to be durrid; who are continually pratlingwith the Neighbors, and gadding along the streets; they take notice ofevery dore that opens, and neglect their own houskeeping having nounderstanding to govern it; the dishes, pots and pans are alwaiesstanding in the middle of the flore; and Benches and Stools are allcovered and ly filled with the Childrens dirty clouts, and the Windowsare so thick with dirt, that the Sun can hardly shine through them. Whose first word is, when any body comes into their house, What! byreason of these sad times a body hath neither joy nor delight in theirhouskeeping. If we wash the glass windows, they are in danger ofbreaking, and at present we cannot bear with any losses. And theseordinarily have more pratling and felling then any other women, and nobody knows any thing better then these sworn tittletattlers; they areseldom to be found with a pin-cushion upon their laps; and are theoccasion that their houses, children and Maids stink of filth andsluttishness, with their cloaths out at the elbous, and their stockinsout at the heels. Whilest their husbands sit in the Alehouses, andseek by drinking, domineering and gaming to drive these damps of thesad times out of theire brains; which continueth so long, till thatall is consumed, and they both fly damnably in debt to theirCreditors. 

Well then, you worthy and faithfull Houskeepers, you see now theunhappy state and condition of these venomous controulers of others:And on the contrary, you may perceive how happy the bad times, like aprudent Instructor, makes you; what a quantity of understanding anddelight it imparts unto you; whilest you both, with joint resolution, diligent hands and vigilant eys, indeavor the maintenance and settingup of your Family. Be assured, that this care and frugality will soroot it self in your very bones, that although the times changed andgrew better, you would reserve a stedfast delight in the promoting thegood and benefit of your houskeeping; and withall leave to yourchildren such riches and good examples, that they will follow yourfootsteps of carefulness with delight, and lay a hand to the plough, thereby to demonstrate that they were of a good extraction: which ifit so happen, you will inherit one of the greatest and desiredstPleasures that is to be found in the Married estate. 

[Illustration: 151 _Published by The Navarre Society, London. _]

THE EIGHTH PLEASURE. 

_The Parents would bring up their son in their way of Trade, but hehath no mind to't. He is put to School out of the City. Grows aScholler, commits much mischief. Is apprehended and informed what aSchollerlike life is. _

Uds life, now I thinke on't, amongst the Pleasures of Mariage, this isnone of the least, when one sees their children feed well, and grow uphealthfully and merrily; and their stomacks in a morning are as soonopen as their eys; then at noons they can claw it away at a good dish, as well as persons of full growth and years; and about four of theclock their appetites are again prepared for an afternoons lunchion;insomuch that they can eat you into poverty, without making theirteeth bleed. O it is such a delight to see that they continually growup so slovenly and wastfully in their cloaths, that they must needshave every half year almost a new suit, and that alwaies a littlebigger; whereby the Father sees that he shall in short time have a sonto be his man in the shop, and the mother a daughter to be hercaretakester and controulster of the Kitchin. 

Thus we advance in the estate of Mariage, from one pleasure toanother. O how happy you'l be, if your children be but pliable andcourteous, and grow up in obedience, and according to your example!But we see in the generality, that as their understanding increases, that also their own wills and desires do in like manner not diminish. 

Perhaps you meet with some such symptoms as these are in your own son;for having been some years learning the Latine Tongue at Pauls orMerchant Tailors School; he is then inveagled by some of the neighborssons to go with them to learn the Italian or French language; to whichpurpose they know of a very delicate Boarding school a little way outof the City; and then they baptize it with the name, that he hath sucha longing and earnest desire to learn it, that he cannot rest in thenight for it. 

What will you do? The charge there of, the bad times, and thenecessity you have for him at home, makes you perswade him from it, and to proffer him convenient occasions in the City; but what helpsit, the fear of drawing the child from that which he has so much amind to; and may be, that also, wherein his whole good fortuneconsists, causes you to take a resolution to fullfill his desire. Awayhe's sent then, and agreed for. And then there must be a Trunkfurnisht, with all manner of linnen and cloaths, with other toys andsweet meats, and mony in his pocket to boot. 

Having been some small time there he sends some letters for what hewants. Which is, with recommendations of being saving and diligent, sent unto him. And it is no small pleasure for the Parents, if they dobut see that he is an indifferent proficiant. All their delight andpleasure is, when time will permit, to go to their son, and to shewhim their great love and affection. 

But the Daughter, which goes along with her Mother, is kindled with nosmall matter of jealousie to see that her Brother puts her Parents toso much charge, gets what he pleases, and that their minds are neverat rest about him. When she, on the contrary, being at home, is thrustby her Mother into the drudgery of the house, or kept close to herneedle. Yet these are pacified with a fine lace, a ring, or some suchsort of trinkom trankoms; and then with telling them into the bargain, when your brother comes home he shall keep the shop. 

This the Father is in expectation of. And the son being come home, gives a great Pleasure to his Father and Mother, by reason he speakssuch good Latin and Italian, and is so gentile in his behaviour: butto look to the shop, he hath no mind to. Say what they will, talk isbut talk. All his desire and mind is to go to the University either ofOxford or Cambridge. And although the Father in some measure hereinyeelds and consents; the Mother, on the other side, can by no meansresolve to it; for her main aim was, that her son should be brought upin the shop; because that in the absence, or by decease of herhusband, he might then therein be helpfull to her. Besides that, it isyet fresh in her memory, that when her Brother studied at Oxford, whata divellish deal of mony it cost, and what complaints there come ofhis student-like manner of living. Insomuch that there was hardly amonth past, but the Proctor of the Colledge, or the Magistracy of theCity must have one or other penalty paid them. 

Now they try to imploy the son in the shop, who delights in no lessmelody then the tune of that song: letting slip no occasion that hecan meet with to get out of the shop; and shew himself, with alldiligence, willing to be a Labourer in the Tennis Court, or at theBilyard Table; and is not ashamed, if there be hasty work, in theevening, to tarry there till it be past eleven of the clock. What apleasure this vigilance is to the Father and Mother, those that haveexperience know best. Especially when they in the morning call theirson to confession, and between Anger and Love catechize him withseverall natural and kind reproofs. 

'Tis but labour lost, and ill whistling, if the horse won't drink. What remedy? turn it, and wind it so as you will. 

 _The son his mind to study is full bent, Or else will live upon his yearly rent. _

Here must be a counsell held by wisdom, prudence, love and patience. Here also the imaginations of incapableness or want of monies must beconquered; for to constrain a son to that he hath no mind to, is theready way to dull his genious, and perhaps bring him to what isworser, to wit, running after whores or Gaming. And to teach him howto live upon his yearly means, the tools are too damn'd costly. Sothat now the Parents have true experience of the old Proverb. 

 _The Children in their youth, oft make their Parents smart, Being come to riper years, they vex their very heart. _

Nevertheless, after you have turn'd it and wound it so as you will, the sending of him to the University of Oxford bears the sway; andthere to let him study Theology being the modestest Faculty, by one ofthe learnedst and famousest Doctors. And verily, he goes forward sonobly, that, in few months, before he half knows the needfullPhilosophy, he is found to be a Master of Arts in Villany. Andmoreover, the Parents were by some good friends informed, that latelyhe was acting the domineering student, and being catcht by the watch, was brought into the Court of Guard; but through the extraordinaryintercession of his own and some other Doctors, they privately let himgo out again. 

A little longer time being expired, he sends Post upon Post dunningletters; his quarter of the years out, his Pockets empty, and theLandlady wants mony; besides there are severall other things that hewants, both of Linnen and Woollen; all which things yield anextraordinary Pleasure, especially, if the mony which is sent, withoutsuffring shipwrack, be imploied and laid out for those necessaries. 

For some students are so deeply learnt, that they consume the moniesthey get in mirth and jovialty, and leave their Landladies, Booksellers, Tailors, Shoomakers, and all whom they are indebted to, unpaid. Nay, his own Cousin, that studied at Cambridge, knew verylearnedly how to make a cleaver dispatch, with his Pot-Companions, atGutterlane, of all the mony that was sent him by his Parents, for hispromotion; and under the covert of many well studied lies desiredmore. 

But who knows, what wonderfull students tricks, before he is half soperfect, your son will have learnt, to make his Father and Mothermerry with; for, as I have heard, he hath gotten so much aquaintance, that he hath the Bookseller to be his friend, who sets down the prizesof the Books he delivers, three times as much again as they are worth;and for the overplus, he, with some other students, are bravely merrytogether. 

Yea, he's come so far himself, that he doth, to get mony, know how tosell his best Authors; and sets in place of them some Blocks veryneatly cut and coloured like gallant Books. And if any one comes thatwill lay their hands upon them; he saith immediately, eat, drink, smoke and be merry to your hearts content; but whatsoever you do, touch not my books; for that's as a Medean Law and an inviolablestatute in my Chamber; as it doth, to the same purpose, stand writtenthus before my Chamber of Books:

 _Be jolly, sing, and dance; command me with a look, One thing I do forbid, you must not touch a Book. _

The old Proverb saith, it must bend well, before it can make a goodhook. But it is easie to be perceived by the beginning, what may beexpected from the flexibility of this precious twig. O extraordinaryand magnificent pleasure for the Parents, when they see that theirson, in so short a time, is so damnably advanced! And so much themore, a little while after, there comes one and tells them by word ofmouth, that there were several Schollars, which were playing someantick tricks in the night; and amongst some others both their Son andtheir Cousin were apprehended, and at this very present sadaccusations were brought in against them. In the mean while, theChancellor, having heard that they are all persons of good Parentage, and that there will be brave greasing in the case, laughs in his fistbecause such things as those are generally moderated and assopiatedby the means and infallible vertue of the correcting finger hearb. 

This brings the Parents a fine Bartholomew Baby to play with; and ifthere ly loosely in a corner a fifty pound bag they will go nigh tosee how they may make use of it. And this gives a horribleaugmentation to the Pleasures of Marriage! But let them turn it andwind it which way they will, the Parents must go thither, and seek byall means possible according to their ability, to pacific the matter. 

As they are upon their journy, they hear in every Town where theycome, how debauched and wicked lives the Students leads, not onlyconcerning that which was lately done at Oxford, but at other placesalso. Which makes them be in no small fear, whether their son, perhapsmay not be guilty only of this, but some worser misdemeanor, and istherefore at present clapt up. 

Here Master Truetale begins to relate, that lately there were fourStudents, who for some petulancy, had been at Confession by the Mayor, and he with their vomiting up some Guinies, gave them theirabsolutions; but they perceiving that hereby their purses were cruellyweakned, and that the return of monies did not come according toexpectation, took a resolution to get some revenge of him for it. Andhe having built a new house, caused it, by a curious Workman, to beneatly painted on the outside: which these four Students seeing, theytook a good quantity of Tar, and did so damnably bedawb it, that itlooked as if old Nick had been there with his rubbing brush. Which theMayor seeing in the morning, seemed to be little troubled at it; butsaid, certainly some body hath done this, that I have taken too littlemony of, and therefore in gratitude have, for nothing, thus bepaintedmy delicately painted house. 

But nevertheless the Mayor sends in the evening five or six Spiesabroad into those Taverns and Alehouses where the lightest Studentsgenerally frequented; who were smoking and drinking there, and amongstother discourses related, how it tickled their fancies, that thecovetous Mayor was served such a delicate trik, &c. Whereupon some ofthem hearing that the action was so much commended, and that the Mayormade no search about it, saies, that was my work with James Smith theLondoner, Jack Dove the Kentishman, and Sanny Clow the Scotch man. Upon this they were all four apprehended in the night, and verycleaverly clapt by the heels, &c. 

Hereupon Mistriss Credit, said, There are no such wicked inventers ofmischief, as moniless Students; of which we had lately a new example, for some of those Blades wanting mony, were resolved to act thistrick, _viz. _ Some few daies before there was a malefactor hanged, and one of them between eleven and twelve of the clock at night, getshard by the Gallows where he hung, and feigned to be the spirit of themalefactor; sometimes appearing, and then again vanishing; in the meanwhile the rest of his companions, all separate from each other, as ifthey had been strangers, placed themselves not far from it. Each ofthem seemed to be frightned, and shewed unto all the passers by thatthere was the spirit of the malefactor that was executed. This runforward like wild fire, in somuch that the number of the spectatorsincreased abundantly. And whilest every one was so busie in beholdingit, the moniless Students were as serious in picking of their Pockets, cutting the silver buttons off their cloaths, which no body perceived, till the Spirit was vanished, and they were gotten home. So did Iknow, saith Master Mouth, two necessitous Students, who at aFair-time, observed that a Country man, having sold some commoditiesthat he brought to Market, had received five or six Crown pieces forthem; and went amongst the Booths to buy somthing, but feared in thethrong one or another might steal them from him; therefore would nottrust them in his Pocket, nor with his Purse in the breast of hisdoublet; but puts them in his mouth; saying, No body I'm sure can takethem from thence, and walks into the Booths, there cheapning a hat;in the mean while, one of these Students goes to the very next Booth, buies some pedling thing, and pulling mony out of his Pocket to pay, saith what a pox is the meaning of this? Just now I had several Crownpieces, and now I have nothing; and since that, there hath no bodyelse been near me, but this Country fellow; and begins to catch him bythe shoulders; saying, hark ye Squire, I miss several Crown pieceswhich I had but just now. This so amazed the Country man, that hebegan to mumble with the Crown pieces in his mouth; whereupon theStudent said, I verily beleeve the villain hath them in his mouth. TheCountry man answered thereupon, those that I have in my mouth are myown, I received them just now for some commodities; But let theCountry man say what he would, it was not beleeved; he was lamentablybeaten, his Crown pieces taken from him, and given to the Student. 

By this you may perceive, saith Master Otherway, that the Proverb istrue, _Poverty is subtle_. I was lately told of some poor troublesomStudents, who had, a little way off the City, caused a dainty Feast tobe made ready for them; and knowing that the Landlord had a brother, whom he extreamly loved, which lived about five and twenty miles off;write a Letter to the Landlord, and therein acquaint him that hisBrother was very desperately sick, oftentimes calling for him;therefore if he would see and speak with him alive, he must with allpossible speed immediately come thither, &c. 

Then they found out such a cleaver contryvance to have this Letterdelivered into the hands of the Landlord, that he had not the leastdistrust of a cheat; but away he rides immediately. In the mean while, these Students committed much sauciness and wantonness with theMistriss and the Maid; till at last locking them both up in a Chamber, away they went without paying. 

To this a Miller that sate close by, relates, that lately, not farfrom his house, two Students laid violent hands upon a woman, andbound her to a Post. 

'Tis a Wonder, saith Master Demure, proceeding forward, that sincethey commit such wicked and so many base actions, more of theseStudents are not apprehended. When I dwelt at my Country house, therecame a parcel of these drunken blades, that were expresly gone abroadto play some mad tricks; they pulled down the pales of my neighborsGarden; and one among them that served for Chief, commanded pull offthese planks, tear up this Post, &c. 

In the mean time, a poor Country man coming by with his empty Wagon;begs of this commander, that he would be pleased to bestow upon himthose old Planks and Posts for his winter firing, because he was sopoor, that he knew not where to get any: which this Gentleman grantinghim, he laies on a lusty load upon his Wagon. 

Being drove a pretty way of, the owner comes to the place, and sees inwhat a lamentable condition his Garden lay; asks who had done it, andunderstands that they were Students which had taken their marchtowards some of the adjacent Country Towns, but that the Country manwith his Planks, must needs be got very far from the City, &c. Awayruns the owner with all speed, makes his complaint, and gets an orderto arrest the poor Country man, his horse and Wagon. Who coming to beexamined at his triall, was condemned to be set in the Pillory, withtwo Planks set before him, upon which must be written in great whiteLetters. 

 _Garden-Theef. _

These wicked Students stood together to behold this, and laught tillthey split, to see that this poor innocent Country man, must suffersuch shame and punishment for his winter firing. 

Just in the same manner, not long ago, some divellish Students, hadtaken a heavy rail from before a house which was newly set there, buthearing that the Watch or Bell man approched; they presently whept itbefore another mans dore, where there was none; and leaning all ofthem over the rail; saluted the Watch with saying, Good nightGentlemen, Good night; and the Watch the like to them again: But theWatch was no sooner gone then they fell to breaking of it all inpeeces, and run away as fast as they could drive. 

Those people are unhappy, saith Master Talkon, especially such as livein Country Towns, that are near to Cities where there areUniversities; for many times one or another must be a sufferer fromthese roguish natured Students; and they imagine in themselves thatall what the Country people possess must be at their pleasure anddisposition. Whereby it happens, in the Summer, that for their wickedpastime, they go to rob the Orchards of the best fruit, and to stealHens, Ducks, and Pigeons; and then again to destroy the Fields ofTurnips, Carrots, Parsnips, Beans and Pease, &c. Tearing up suchmultiplicities, that it would be incredible if we should relate itall. But it is common for them to destroy ten times as much as theycan eat or carry away. 

And when the Summer is past, that there are no fruits either inOrchards or Fields; then their whole delight and recreation is tocommit insolencies in the Streets of the City by night; and if theycan but any waies put an affront upon the Watch; that is laught at, and esteemed to be an heroick act. 

It hapned lately, that some Students walking out of Town, saw a littleboy in the Fields, that was holding the cord of an indifferent Kite, which was in the Air, in his hand; they laughing at him, said, TheKite is bigger than the Boy; come let us ty the cord about the Boy, then they will not lose one another. And immediately catching hold ofthe Boy, they forced the cord from him, and bound it fast about hismiddle in a great many knots, then went their way. 

Whilest the Boy was very busie and indeavouring to unty the knots, theWind grew high, insomuch that the Boy used all his strength to holdback the cord; but his strength failing him, he was with a furiousblast snatcht up by the Kite from the ground, and presently after letfall again into a pretty deep ditch, where the poor innocent Boy wasunhappily drowned. 

It would be sempiternal for us here to make a relation of all thepetulancy and wickedness of Students, whereof these and other Parents, each in their particular, are miserably sensible of. For every oneacts his own part, but it tends altogether unto wickedness, lavishness, and troublesomness. 

Here you may see Master Empty-belly takes the greatest delight in theWorld, nobly to treat some Northern Gentlemen of his acquaintance andPot-companions, and then again to be treated by them: where there isan absolute agreement made, that when any one of them gets mony fromtheir Parents, he shall give the company a treat of five Guinnies. Andthough they generally observe, that before they part, one quarrel orother arises, and the Swords drawn; yet this Law is inviolabler, thanever any Statutes of Henry the VIII. Were. Which continued so longtill one of them be desperately wounded or killed, and he that did itapprehended; and to the great greef of his Parents tried for his life, or else flies his Country, to save it. 

Others we may see, that have no greater pleasure then to sit wholenights with their Companions playing at Tables; and there game awayRings, Hats, Cloaks and Swords, &c. And then ply one another so closewith whole bumpers of Sack and old Hock, that they are worse thensenceless beasts, feeling and groping of the very Walls, and tumblingand wallowing to and fro in their own nastiness. And esteem it to be aChampionlike action if one can but make the t'other dead drunk by hisvoracity of sucking in most. As if they intended hereby to becomelearned Doctors. 

Some again are most horribly addicted to frequent the pestilentialBawdy-houses; of which they are never satisfied, till mony, cloaths, books, and their own health of body is consumed; and then come home totheir Parents soundly peppered. 

Some there are that oftentimes so deeply ingage themselves with theirLandlords daughters, that they can answer to her examination withoutthe knowledge either of their Parents or Doctors, and are fit forpromotion in the Art of Nature. But if the Landlady hath never adaughter of her own, there's a Neece or Neighbors daughter, whichknows how to shew her self there so neatly, that with her tripping andmincing she makes signals enough, that at their house Cubicula locandais to be had. And these are the true Divers, that know infinitely wellhow to empty the Students Pockets. 

Thus doth every one act their parts. Whilest the Parents areindeavouring to gather and scrape all together that they can, thattheir Son, who is many times the onliest or eldest, may go forward inhis study, and become perfect in one Faculty. And the more, becausethey see that he is sharp-witted, and according as his Doctor saith, avery hopefull young man. Little thinking that he makes as bad use ofthose natural benefits, as he is lavish of his mony. 

But it is a common saying that the London-youths must have theirwills. Which oftentimes occasions, that when they have studied a longtime in Divinity, they finally turn to be some Inns of CourtGentlemen; fearing that their wild Students life, might in any othervocation, be cast in their teeth. 

Yet somtimes it also happens, that from the very first they behavethemselves modestly, and advance so gallantly in their Studies, thatit is a comfort for their Parents, and great benefit for themselves. But nevertheless, though they obtain their Promotion withcommendation, reputation, and great charges; yet it is all butfastidious, unless their Parents can leave or give them someconsiderable means; or that they through their brave behaviours, perfections, and sweet discourses, can inveagle themselves in to arich match. For many years are spent before they can get a Parsonageor Benefice, and when it doth happen in some Country Town, the meanswill hardly maintain them. 

If he be a Counsellor or Doctor of Physick, what a deal of time runsaway before he can come in to practice! especially if in the one hehath not the good fortune to get the two or three first causes for hisClients; and in the other, not to make satisfactory cures of his firstPatients. Therefore, what a joy would it have been for the Parents iftheir Son had spent his time in understanding Shop-keeping, and beenobedient to the exhortations of his Parents!

But though some do this, and are therein compliant to their Parents;yet we perceive that this also is subject to many vexations, by reasonthat the children through a contrary drift, many times disturb theirParents night rest; especially when there are such kind of Maids inthe house, that will listen to their humors and fancies. 

These will, for the most part, please their Master and Mistriss to thefull; and do all things so that their Mistriss shall be satisfied, andhave no occasion to look out for another: And yet, in the mean while, all their main aim is, to get and intice the son, with their neatness, cleanliness, friendliness, and gentileness, to be on their side. Tothat end knowing how, as well as their Mistriss, to Hood themselves, curl their locks, and wantonly overspread their breasts with a peeceof fine Lawn, or Cambrick, that they seem rather to be finically overshadowed then covered, and may the better allure the weak eys of thebeholders. 

These know that Dame Nature hath placed her best features in a CityMaid, as well as in a Lady at Court: And that there are no keenerSwords, or stronger steels to penetrate through the hearts of men, then the handsom bodiedness, comly and kind behaviour of women. 

This is oftentimes the occasion that the son hath more inclinationtowards her, then he hath for a Gentlewoman of a good family andindifferent fortune; nay it transports him so, that they finally makeuse of one bed; and the son (much unexpected by the Parents) is cometo be Father himself. But what an inestimable Pleasure of Marriagethis is for the new Grandfather and Grandmother, every one may judge. Especially, if it happens, as I saw once, that the Prentice lay withhis Masters Daughter; and the Son with the Kitchin Wench; and thePrentice run away with the daughter; and the Son would by all meansmarry with the Kitchin Wench. Which was such a great grief for theParents, that it might be justly termed rather one of the Terrors thanPleasures of Marriage. So that we see, although the Children be athome by their Parents, or in the shop, and remain under their view andtuition; yet nevertheless, by one or other, never to be expected, occasion, they fall in to evill courses; which every one that bringsup children hath such manifold and several waies experience of, thatit would be infinite and too tiresom to give you an account of all theConfessions. Therefore we will pass by these (as if we were running ahorse-race), and to shorten our journy, return again to our wellmarried Couple, from whom we are cruelly straied. 

You see and observe then, O well married Couple, what strange tricksand actions that children will play. If yours act then the part of aliberal Son, or wanton Student, rejoice therein that you have notbrought forth a dunce or blockhead; but since his Doctor saith that heis sharp-witted, and a hopefull youth; doubt not, but that you will, when he comes to his seriouser years, with delight and pleasure seehim to be a great man. 

[Illustration: 181 _Published by the Navarre Society, London. _]

For it hath many times hapned, that those who have been the maddestand wildest Students at the University, have afterwards come to benoble Personages, Ministers of State, and learned Doctors. Of whom wecould relate unto you several examples, if we knew certainly that therevealing of that Confession would not be ill taken. 

Thrice happy are you, O noble Couple, that you are yet in possessionof the Pleasures of the first Marriage, and are not troubled with thecontention of a cross-graind Father-in-law, or Mother-in-law over yourChildren, nor with their fore-children, or Children of the second bed. For whatsoever happens to you now, comes from a Web of your ownspinning, and your love to that, conquers and covers all infirmities;because we know very well that that certainly compleats one of thePleasures of Marriage. 

THE NINTH PLEASURE. 

_Of base conditioned Maid-servants. _

'Tis true, it seems to fall both tart and bitter, when the childrentake such lavish courses, and get such wild hairs in their nostrils;the sons acting the parts of spendthrifts, and petulant Students, andthe Daughters of light Punks; as long as these things remain so, theyappear to be but very sober Pleasures of Marriage. But when weperceive, that these thorns being past, the pleasant roses appear, andthat these light hearted Students finally come to be gallantPractitioners; O that affords you the most satisfactory and largestPleasure of Marriage that ever could be expected. 

So also, if you perceive that your Daughters are lively, active andairy; that somtimes they would rather go to a Play, then to Church; orrather be merry of an evening, than at Sermon in the morning, and growto be altogether mannish minded; you must then conclude these arenatural instincts. If it happen to fall out, contrary to yourexpectation, that she hath more mind to a brave young fellow that's aPrentice, whose parts and humor she knows, then she hath in a PlushJacketted or gilt Midas; then make your selves joyfull in the severalexamples that you have of others, who being so married, have proved tobe the best Matches; of which examples multiplicities are at largeprostrated to your view in the Theater of Lovers. So that you doherein yet find the Pleasure of Marriage. 

But it is much farther to be sought for among the vexations whichhouse-keeping people have not only from children, but frombase-natured, lasie, tailing, lavish, and ill-tongued servants; doneunto them somtimes by their men, but generally by the foolish andstifnecked Maids. These can make their Master totally forget his BaseViol and singing of musick, and their Mistriss the playing upon theVirginals. It was a much less trouble for Arion and Orfeus to charmall the senceless creatures both of Sea and Land in those daies; thenit is now for house-keepers to bring their servants to a dueobedience. 

Neither is this strange, because some Maids, when they see they havegotten a kind natured and mild Gentlewoman to their Mistriss;immediately practice, by all means possible, to rule and domineer overher; insomuch that whatsoever the Mistriss orders or commands, sheknows how, according to the imagination of her own understanding, toorder and do it otherwise. And dare many times boldly contradict them, and say, _Mistriss, it would be better if this were done then, andthat so_. 

And if the Mistriss be so mild that she condescends and passes by thissome times; they are immediately, in their own conceits, as wise againas their Mistriss; and dare, when they come among their tailingGossips, brag that they can bend their Mistriss to their Bow; and iftheir Mistriss bids them do any thing, they do it when it pleasesthem, or at their own oportunity; for their Mistriss is troubled withthe simples, a Sugar-sop, &c. 

But if it happen so that one of these Rule-sick Wenches, comes into aservice where the Mistriss is a notable spirited woman that lookssharply and circumspectly to the government of her Family, then she'sdamnably put to't; and is troubled in spirit, that her Mistriss willnot understand it so, as she would fain have it, according to herhair-brain'd manner, and gets this to an answer, _Jane, do it as Icommand you, then it is well, though it were ill done. Let yourMistriss command, its your duty to obey; or else, next time you musthire your self out for Mistriss, and not for Maid, &c. _

How pleasant this answer was to Jane, it appears, because she nosooner gets out, but she runs to Goody Busie-body that hires outservants; where she makes no smal complaint of her Mistressesinsulting spirit; and asks whether she knows not of a hire for her bysome houskeeping Batchelor or Widower; because she understands theordring of her work very well, is a special good Cook, and lovesChildren, &c. Then she would leave her Mistriss, and tell her that herAunt was very sick and lay a dying, and that she must go thither, &c. 

Goody Busie-body is presently ready, because she sees here is a meansto earn double wages, the Maid must be provided with another service, and the Mistriss with another Maid; so she begins, like a Broker, toturn and wind it about every way to rid her self of the one, and thento recommend another in the place. Though it be mighty inconvenientfor the Mistriss, and troubles her, because she many times may benear her lying-in, or some other pressing necessity, &c. 

Whose merrier then Jane, for she hath gotten a new service by aWidower, and can order and govern all things now according to her ownmind; where she hath not the name of a Maid, but of a Governantess. Nay, now she's cunning enough to bridle in all her ill conditions, andwatches the very ey of her Master, keeping all things very cleanly andneat in order; upon hopes that her Master might fall into a goodhumour, and make a place also for her in his bed. For verily she lovesChildren so well that she would be helping to get one her self. Towhich purpose she useth all inventions imaginable, running too andagain about the house bare-necked, and her breasts raised up; or comesto his bedside all unlaced, or fains to sit sleeping by the fire sidewith her coats up to her knees, against her Master comes home, withthe key in his Pocket, merrily disposed, from his Companions; or witha short Coat on, stoops down very low in the presence of her Master, to take up somthing from, or clean the flore; or climbs up a ladder torub the glass windows; and knows of a thousand such manner ofinticements, of which there's never a one of them, but, if the Masterhave any flesh or blood in him, are sufficient to catch and insnarehim. For this hapned to her fellow Creature who having dwelt someindifferent time with a Widower, he came home one evening prettymerry, and jestingly talked to her about her sweetheart; _See there, Peggy, be carefull, and when you come to marry, I will give you thisbed that I ly on, with all that belongs to it. _ Whereupon the Maidanswered, _Well Sir, if I shall have all that justly belongs to it, Imust have you also Sir, for it is yours, and you ly upon it. _ Theanswer pleased the Master so well, that he catches Peggy in his arms, throws her upon the bed, and lies down by her; till at last, in spiteof all his relations, he made his Maid his Wife: who being married, then began to discover her stifnecked, cross-graind humors, that shehad so long kept secret; but it was the occasion of both their ruines. 

But we will leave Jane and Peggy with their Widowers, and take a viewwhat kind of a Pleasure of marriage that our Mistriss possesseth withher new Maid; for Goody Busie-body recommended her highly to be a veryhonest, vertuous Maid, of a good family, and gave her self securityfor her fidelity. 

Nevertheless, there are hardly three daies past, but the Mistrissperceives that she is notably inclined to toss up her cup: but for thebetter certainty, the Mistriss commands her to draw some Wine in aglass that was very clean rinsed; which she no sooner brought back, but the Mistriss observed that greasy lips had been at it; yet beforeshe sent her the second time, she takes a trencher and holds it overthe smoke of a Candle to grow black, then with her finger rubs thatsoot upon the edge or hollow part of the glass; and commanded her, asshe did before, to draw some Wine; but when she came back again, theMistriss then perceived that the round circle of the glass wasimpressed upon both sides of her mouth and upon her forehead. Who canabstain themselves from laughter, when they see such a marked sheepcome out of the Wine Cellar? Who could imagine that a Maid in threedaies time should occasion so much pleasure of marriage! How much moremirth will you receive from her, when she has taken a good bowsing cupto be jolly! You have here a triall of her fidelity, that GoodyBusie-body vaunted of. For the future she may very well say, that sheis mighty dexterous at smuckling of Wine; who knows but she may get anAngel a year the more wages for it. 

But whilest she pleases her Mistriss with this sight, the t'othercauses her to enjoy a new recreation: for she having gotten leave togo to Church in th'afternoon, tarries out till seven of the clock inthe evening, tho she knows there are friends invited to supper, thechildren must be got to bed, and all things set in good order; neitheris it strange, for she thinks, I am now the eldest Maid, the t'othermay attend. When I hired my self, my Mistriss told me I should go onSundaies to Church; and also, when occasion served, after Sermon Ishould walk abroad for an hour or two; and now there is a very goodopportunity, because she hath another Maid at home, &c. 

She keeps singing in this tune. And finally coming home, thinks thatshe has a great deal of reason on her side, and is not ashamed toretort ten cross words for one. 't Is no wonder neither, for she hadbeen talking with Mistriss Sayall the Cupster, who had Cupt her butthe Sunday before, and then told her that she could observe out of herphysiognomy, and the course of her blood, several infallible signs, that she should come to be a woman of good quality, and that she wouldnot be above a year unmarried. Also there came thither at the sametime Dorothy and Margery, whom Mistriss Sayall had in like mannerprognosticated what was befallen them. These did not a little admire, that she, being now the eldest Maid, earned such small wages, and thather Mistriss did not raise it; because she deserved at the leastfifteen shillings a year more, and a better New years gift, andFairing. 

Thus they stuff one anothers pates full. And Mistriss Sayall, andGoody Busiebody, seem to be as if they were sisters cast in one Mould;for the one knows how to blow the simple wenches ears full; and thet'other, worse then a Bawd, makes them cross-grain'd; and keep bothof them a school for ill-natured Wenches, and lazy sluts, to natter, to exhort, and to exasperate in; yet these half Divel-drivers, carrythemselves before the Mistresses like Saints; but do indeed, shewthemselves to be the most deceitfullest cheats, who carry alwaies firein one hand and water in the t'other. 

These know how, very subtlely, many times, to fatten their carkasses, with meat and drink out of the Mistresses Cellars and Butteries;keeping alwaies a fair correspondence with the theevish Maids, whichknow many tricks and waies how to convey it unto them; and scold andbrawl against those whose stoln meat and drink they thus idly andbasely convey away. These use again all possible indeavours torecommend them here or there to a sweetheart, and make their ownhouses serve as an Exchange for this Negotiation; where they appear asprecise at their hours, as a Merchant doth at Change-time. 

This it is, that makes them look like a Dog in a halter, when theycannot get leave on Sundaies to go a gadding; and it is a wonder theydo not bargain for it when they hire themselves: though there are somethat are not ashamed, (who dare not so openly confess this) to bargainthat they may go every Sunday to Church, as if they were extraordinarydevout, when it is really to no other end, then to set out their gins, to catch some Tailor, Baker, Shoomaker, Cooper, Carpenter, Mason, orsuch like journyman: which is hardly passed by to satisfie theirfleshly lusts, before they perceive that they have chosen a poor andwretched for a plentifull livelihood; and are often, by theirhusbands, beaten like Stockfish, though Lent be long past. But whatdelight they have, in being curried with this sort of five-tooth'dComb, the neighbours can judge by the miserable songs they sing. 

These find also the Pleasures of Marriage, at which they have so longaimed, and so much indeavoured for; and would now gladly lick theirfingers at that which they have many times thrown away upon theDunghills, or in the Kennels; falling many times into deplorablepoverty, or to receive Alms from the Churchwardens and charitablepeople; of which there are vast numbers of examples, too lamentableand terrible to be related. 

By this small relation you may see what kind of points these sort ofpeople have upon their Compass. But to write the true nature andactions of such Rubbish, were to no other purpose then to foul a vastquantity of paper with a deal of trash and trumpery. For many aredamnably liquorish tooth'd, everlasting Tattlesters, lazy Ey-servants, salt Bitches, continual Mumblers out of their Pockets, wicked Scolds, lavish Drones, secret Drinckers, stifnecked Dunces, Tyrants overChildren, Stinking Sluts, Mouldy Brain'd trugs; hellish sottishGipsies; nay and sometimes both Whorish and Theevish; and must, therefore, not have come into consideration here, if they did not soespecially belong to the disconsolations of Marriage; occasioning manytimes more troubles and disquiets in a Family, then all the rest ofthe adversities that may befall it. 

This is the reason that makes the Mistriss many times turn one aftert'other out of dores; and is afreard that a new one should come inagain. And is also ashamed that the Neighbors should see every foot anew Maid upon her flore; who by an evil nature, are ready to beleevethe worst of their fellow neighbours, what is told them by atale-carrying, long-tongued Slut of a Maid; though they many timesobserve how wickedly they are plagued with their own. 

O super-excellent Pleasure of Marriage! where shall we make aconclusion, if we should set all things down according to their worthand value! Certainly every one would, to that purpose, want a Clark intheir own Family. 

THE TENTH PLEASURE. 

_An empty Purse, makes a sorrowfull Pate. The Husband grows jealous. And the Wife also. The Husband is weary of his wife, and seeks to bedivorced. _

As continual prosperity giveth a great satisfaction to married people;and congealeth their hearts more and more with a fervent Love; so, onthe contrary, we many times see, that when they are oppressed with badTrading, Bankrupts, chargeable housekeeping and Children, it occasionsand raises a coolness in the affections; insomuch that it disquietstheir rest, and they consume the whole night many times with flyingfancies and cogitations, how such an Assignment, or that Bill ofExchange, or the last half years rent shal be paid, &c. Because theemptness of their Purse, and the slow paiment of their Debtors toomuch impedes them. And their yearly rents are so small and uncertain, that there runs away many times more in reparations and taxationsannually then the rents amounts to. This occasions disquiet. From thisit proceeds, that many times when they rise, their wits run awool-gathering, and they are more inclined to look crabbedly, grumbleand mumble, then to shew each other any signs of love and friendship:for an empty purse, makes a sorrowfull pate. This gives no smal defeatto the Pleasures of Marriage. Now they begin to observe that there isno state or condition in the World so compleat, but it hath some kindof imperficiency. 

[Illustration: 197 _Published by the Navarre Society, London. _]

This kind of necessity may, by a man, in a Tavern, with good company, be rinsed with a glass of Wine, but never thereby be supplied: And thewoman may with singing and dandling of her children, or controulingand commanding of her servants, a little forget it, yet neverthelesswhen John the cashier comes with the Bill of Exchange, and William theBookkeeper with the Assignment, they ought both to be paid, or elsecredit and respect ly at the stake. This requires a great deal ofprudence, to take care for the one, and preserve the other. 

The best sort of Matches have found this by experience to be true: Andfor that reason they ofttimes stop a little hole to make a bigger. Butbecause this can be of no long continuance, some do measure theirbusiness smaller out at first, and dwell at a lesser rent, hire outtheir Chambers and Cellars; and afterwards, make mony of somemovables, will not turmoil themselves with so much trade, and greattrust; nay sometimes also, take some other trade by the hand, thecommodities whereof are of a quicker consumption. And if this happento people that are not so perfectly well match'd, as ourself-same-minded couple, and that the husband hath been a frequenterof company, you shall then seldom see that the husband and the Wifeare concordant in their opinions; for he generally will be for tradingin Wine and Tobacco, in which sort of commodities he is well studied;and the woman is for dealing in linnen, stockings, gloves, or suchlike Wares as she knows best how to traffick with. And verily it looksbut sadly (although it oftentimes happens) when a Man and his Wife docontend about this. Nevertheless some men, because they imagine tohave the best understanding, use herein a very hard way of discoursewith their wives, making it all their business to snap and snarl, chide and bawl, nay threaten and strike also; which indeed rather marsthen mends the matter, little thinking that quietness in a family issuch a costly Jewell, that it seldom can be valued. 

Others, on the contrary, take their greatest delight, when they knowhow, with affableness to please their wives humour, and with plausiblewords can admonish them what is best and fittest to be done; andrather to extoll those graces which are found in them, than to reprovetheir deficiencies: According to the instructions of the prudentEmperor Marcus Aurelius, who said, that men ought often to admonishtheir wives, seldom reprove them, and never strike them. 

But many men whose understanding is turned topsie turvy in theirbrains, seek it in a contrary place, and where the Bank is lowest, the Water breaks in soonest. In such case the Women suffer cruelly. For if he be foul-mouth'd, he is not ashamed openly before hisservants and other people to check, curb, and controul his wifelustily; and when they are in private together, reprehends her sobitterly, that he would not dare to mention it in the ears of honestpeople: because having seen that his Border, out of meer civility, cutmany times the best peece at Table and presented to his Wife, bildsthereupon a foundation of jealousie, and an undoubted familiarity, which he privately twits her in the teeth with; though in publick heis ashamed to let it appear that he is jealous; because then he wouldbe laught at for it; therefore he doth nothing but pout, mumble, bawl, scold, is cross-grain'd and troubled at every thing; nay looks uponhis Wife and all the rest of his Family like a Welsh Goat, none ofthem knowing the least reason in the World for it. 

In the meanwhile he useth all possible means privately to attrap hiswife; for to see that which he never will see; and at which he is sodivellishly possessed to have a wicked revenge; nay which he alsonever can see though he had a whole boxfull of spectacles upon hisnose; because she never hath, or ever will give him the least reasonfor it. In that manner violating loves knot, and laying a foundationof implacable hatred. 

Verily, if a woman be a little light-hearted and merry humoured, it isa great delight and pleasure for her to be taking notice, and everyway to be scoffing, with all the foolish tricks and devices of such ajealous Coxcomb. But otherwise there is no greater Hell upon Earth, then for an honest Woman to dwell with a jealous husband; because inhis absence she dare not in the least speak to any one, and in hispresence hardly look upon any body. This is known to those, who havehad experience of it, and it never went well with any Family wherethis damned house-divel ever got an entrance. 

'Tis true, all men are not defiled with this dirtiness. But suchLoggerheads many times occasion, through their wicked folly and evilldoings, that the Woman, who before never thought of jealousie, nowbegins to grow jealous her self. For she, considering that her husbandis so without any ground or reason, looks so sour, and ill-natured;and alwaies when he comes home every thing stands in his way; besides, that the soothings and friendly entertainments, should differ so muchfrom those of former times, and especially from them of the firstyear; cannot imagine that the small gain and the bad times are theoccasion of it; therefore she thinks that there is some other fineGipsie, that puts him on to these base humors, or that he is led awayby some or other charming Punk. 

And it is no wonder, because coming home lately he said, thatsomewhere as he was walking home he had lost his Watch, which he hadjust as he was coming out of the Tavern. And two or three weeks beforecame home without his Cloak, saying, that some wicked Rascals hadtaken it from him in the streets. Moreover she rememorates, how herelated not long since, that he had been, out of jest, one evening, with three or four others, in six of the most vile and wickedest Bawdyhouses in the City, though that he had committed nothing unhandsomthere, as he said; therefore she thinks that she hath more reason tosuspect his evil doings, then he hath of hers. 

And having pondered upon all these things, this and t'other way, imagineth that she hath a great deal of reason to suspect him. Nay, the daily grumbling and mumbling, the lessening of the mony, hiscoming home late at nights, his cool kindness, besides all the rest, seem to be sufficient proofs. So that here the Pleasure of Marriage isso monstrously Clouded, as if there were a great Eclipse of the Sun, and it will be a wonder to see with what kind of colour it will appearagain. For the Husband catechizes his Wife with such a loud voice, that it is generally heard through the whole neighbourhood; and theWife, to vindicate her innocency, lets fly at him again with such ashrill note, as if she had gone to school to learn it in Drury Lane, or Turnball street. And it is a wonder that the first Chyrurgian isnot sent for to cure this Woman of her bad tongue. 

Here you ought to come, O restless Lovers, to behold your selves inthese two darlings; you, who in your wooing are also possessed withjealousie, if you see that another obtains access to your Mistriss; orwho, perhaps as wel as you, doth but once kiss the knocker of thedore, or cause an Aubade to be plaied under her Chamber Window: Looksharply about you, and behold how these Aubades decline, or whether itbe worth your while to give your Rival the Challenge; or to stab, poison, or drown'd your self, to shew, by such an untimely death, thelove you had for her; and on your Grave, bear this Epitaph, thatthrough damn'd jealousie you murthered your self. These marriedCouple, used to do so; but see now what a sad life they live together, because jealousie took root in them so soon, and now bringeth forthsuch evill fruits. 

Oh that this, now senceless, married Couple, had here, like theAthenians, prudent Umpires! how easily might they, perhaps, be unitedand pacified! For the Athenians had constituted a certain sort ofsuperiors, whom they intituled Pacificators of the married people;whose Power was to appease all differences between married people; andto constrain them that they must live in peace and unity with eachother. In like manner at Rome a Temple was built, where scoldingmarried people, being reunited, came to sacrifice, and to live inbetter tranquility. 

But alas! it is now clear contrary, such contentious Couples, use allthe means and indeavours they possibly can rather to be divorced, thenreunited; to that end solliciting both the Majestical andEcclesiastical Powers; to whom are related a thousand sad reasons byeach party, because either of them pretendeth to have the greatestreason on their side; of which this Age imparteth us several examples, wherewith the Magistracy, Ministry and Elders find no small trouble;especially, if they be people of a brave extraction, good credit andreputation, who have procreated severall children together. For thisjealous and contentious house Divell, domineers as well among peopleof great respect, as those of lesser degree; though there be somewhich so order it, that they smother this fire within dores, andsuffer it not to burst out at the house top. Nevertheless it isimpossible to hide this unkindness from the eys of them that are inthe Family. Therefore it is to be admired, that the sister whodwelleth with this married Couple, and seeth and hears all thisunkindness, mumbling and grumbling, yet hath such an earnest desire tobe set down in the List of the great Company. Nay though she had readall the twenty Pleasures of Marriage through and through, and finds bythe example of her Brother that they are all truth; yet she is like aFish, never at rest till she gets her self into the Marriage-Net, where she knows that she never can get out again: According to thesefollowing Verses, which she hath sung so many times:

 _You may in sea lanch when you will, To see the boistrous Main, Great storms, and wind, your sails will fill, Fore you return again. The married state, is much like this, O'rewhelm'd with many crosses, Yet must be born, see how it is, With tauntings, toils, and losses. _

But I beleeve that the Sister makes flesh and blood her Counsellors, just as her Brother did, who hath now totally forgotten these Verses;for since the flesh is almost come to the very bone, all his designsand indeavours seem to bend now to the being separated from Bed andTable: and, if fortune would favour it, he would rather see it done bydeath, then any Civil Authority; for then he might look out again fora new Beloved, and by that means get another new Portion; though itmight lightly happen to be some mendicant hous-divel, for a reward ofhis jealousie. 

And perhaps he little thinks how that bawling and scolding, betweenhim and his Wife, is spread abroad. But it hath often hapned, thatthose who would be separated, very unexpectedly have been parted bydeath; but not so neither, that they who most desired the separation, have just remained alive. 

Happy were those restless Souls, if they did like the wise and prudentChyrurgians, who will not cut off any member, before they have made anoperation of all imaginable means for cure and recovery thereof: Andthat they first learnt to know their own deficiences perfectly, thatthey might the better excuse those of their Adversary. 

O how thrice happy are our well-matcht Couple! who like aLooking-glass for all others, live together in love, pleasure andtranquility, and have banished that monstrous beast jealousie out oftheir hearts and house; wishing nothing more then to live longtogether, and to dy both at one time, that neither of them both mightinherit that grief to be the longest liver, by missing theirsecond-selves. These do recommend marriage in the highest degree tothe whole World, as the noblest state and condition; and despise thefolly of those who reject it, imagining in themselves that they havemore knowledge and understanding then all the wise men of Greece everhad; who by their marrying demonstrated, that they esteemed themarried estate to be the best and commendablest though some of themwere married to women, who notably bore the sway. 

We may very well then contemn the chattering of Epicurus thatpleasurable Hoggrubber, who said, that no wise man would ever givehimself in to the Bands of Matrimony; because there is so much grief, trouble, and misery to be found in it. For we see to the contrary, that the Wise men long to be in it, and that the Sun of understandingappears more gloriously in them, when it is nourisht and inlivened bymarriage; especially, if they have got, like unto our well-marriedCouple, good Matches. To this end, all those that are unmarried, oughtto look very circumspectly, for the getting themselves such asecond-self, that they would never desire to part with. And for theexhortation of every one to this, I will break off and conclude withthat faithfull warning given by that great Emperor and PhilosopherMarcus Aurelius: saying, _Because the life of Man cannot remainwithout Women, I do warn the young, pray the old, admonish the wise, and teach the simple, that they should shun ill-natured Women as muchas the Plague: for I say, that all the venemous Creatures in theWorld, have not so much poison spread or contained in their wholebodies; as one divellish-natured Woman alone hath in her tongue. _

THE END OF THE SECOND PART OF THE TEN PLEASURES OF MARRIAGE.