[NOTE: There is a short list of bookmarks, or pointers, at the end of thefile for those who may wish to sample the author's ideas before making anentire meal of them. D. W. ]

 THE SATYRICON OF PETRONIUS ARBITER

 Complete and unexpurgated translation by W. C. Firebaugh, in which are incorporated the forgeries of Nodot and Marchena, and the readings introduced into the text by De Salas. 

BRACKET CODE: (Forgeries of Nodot) [Forgeries of Marchena] {Additions of De Salas} DW

VOLUME 2. --THE DINNER OF TRIMALCHIO

CHAPTER THE TWENTY-SEVENTH. 

Having put on our clothes, in the meantime, we commenced to stroll aroundand soon, the better to amuse ourselves, approached the circle ofplayers; all of a sudden we caught sight of a bald-headed old fellow, rigged out in a russet colored tunic, playing ball with some long hairedboys. It was not so much the boys who attracted our attention, althoughthey might well have merited it, as it was the spectacle afforded by thisbeslippered paterfamilias playing with a green ball. If one but touchedthe ground, he never stooped for it to put it back in play; for a slavestood by with a bagful from which the players were supplied. We notedother innovations as well, for two eunuchs were stationed at oppositesides of the ring, one of whom held a silver chamber-pot, the othercounted the balls; not those which bounced back and forth from hand tohand, in play, but those which fell to the ground. While we weremarveling at this display of refinement, Menelaus rushed up, "He is theone with whom you will rest upon your elbow, " he panted, "what you seenow, is only a prelude to the dinner. " Menelaus had scarcely ceasedspeaking when Trimalchio snapped his fingers; the eunuch, hearing thesignal, held the chamber-pot for him while he still continued playing. After relieving his bladder, he called for water to wash his hands, barely moistened his fingers, and dried them upon a boy's head. 

CHAPTER THE TWENTY-EIGHTH. 

To go into details would take too long. We entered the bath, finally, and after sweating for a minute or two in the warm room, we passedthrough into the cold water. But short as was the time, Trimalchio hadalready been sprinkled with perfume and was being rubbed down, not withlinen towels, however, but with cloths made from the finest wool. Meanwhile, three masseurs were guzzling Falernian under his eyes, andwhen they spilled a great deal of it in their brawling, Trimalchiodeclared they were pouring a libation to his Genius. He was then wrappedin a coarse scarlet wrap-rascal, and placed in a litter. Four runners, whose liveries were decorated with metal plates, preceded him, as alsodid a wheel-chair in which rode his favorite, a withered, blear eyedslave, even more repulsive looking than his master. A singing boyapproached the head of his litter, as he was being carried along, andplayed upon small pipes the whole way, just as if he were communicatingsome secret to his master's ear. Marveling greatly, we followed, and metAgamemnon at the outer door, to the post of which was fastened a smalltablet bearing this inscription:

 NO SLAVE TO LEAVE THE PREMISES WITHOUT PERMISSION FROM THE MASTER. PENALTY ONE HUNDRED LASHES. 

In the vestibule stood the porter, clad in green and girded with acherry-colored belt, shelling peas into a silver dish. Above thethreshold was suspended a golden cage, from which a black and whitemagpie greeted the visitors. 

CHAPTER THE TWENTY-NINTH. 

I almost fell backwards and broke my legs while staring at all this, forto the left, as we entered, not far from the porter's alcove, an enormousdog upon a chain was painted upon the wall, and above him thisinscription, in capitals:

 BEWARE THE DOG. 

My companions laughed, but I plucked up my courage and did not hesitate, but went on and examined the entire wall. There was a scene in a slavemarket, the tablets hanging from the slaves' necks, and Trimalchiohimself, wearing his hair long, holding a caduceus in his hand, enteringRome, led by the hand of Minerva. Then again the painstaking artist haddepicted him casting up accounts, and still again, being appointedsteward; everything being explained by inscriptions. Where the wallsgave way to the portico, Mercury was shown lifting him up by the chin, to a tribunal placed on high. Near by stood Fortune with her horn ofplenty, and the three Fates, spinning golden flax. I also took note of agroup of runners, in the portico, taking their exercise under the eye ofan instructor, and in one corner was a large cabinet, in which was a verysmall shrine containing silver Lares, a marble Venus, and a golden casketby no means small, which held, so they told us, the first shavings ofTrimalchio's beard. I asked the hall-porter what pictures were in themiddle hall. "The Iliad and the Odyssey, " he replied, "and thegladiatorial games given under Laenas. " There was no time in which toexamine them all. 

CHAPTER THE THIRTIETH. 

We had now come to the dining-room, at the entrance to which sat afactor, receiving accounts, and, what gave me cause for astonishment, rods and axes were fixed to the door-posts, superimposed, as it were, upon the bronze beak of a ship, whereon was inscribed:

 TO GAIUS POMPEIUS TRIMALCHIO AUGUSTAL, SEVIR FROM CINNAMUS HIS STEWARD. 

A double lamp, suspended from the ceiling, hung beneath the inscription, and a tablet was fixed to each door-post; one, if my memory serves me, was inscribed, ON DECEMBER THIRTIETH AND THIRTY FIRST OUR GAIUS DINES OUT

the other bore a painting of the moon in her phases, and the sevenplanets, and the days which were lucky and those which were unlucky, distinguished by distinctive studs. We had had enough of these noveltiesand started to enter the dining-room when a slave, detailed to this duty, cried out, "Right foot first. " Naturally, we were afraid that some of usmight break some rule of conduct and cross the threshold the wrong way;nevertheless, we started out, stepping off together with the right foot, when all of a sudden, a slave who had been stripped, threw himself at ourfeet, and commenced begging us to save him from punishment, as it was noserious offense for which he was in jeopardy; the steward's clothing hadbeen stolen from him in the baths, and the whole value could scarcelyamount to ten sesterces. So we drew back our right feet and intervenedwith the steward, who was counting gold pieces in the hall, begging himto remit the slave's punishment. Putting a haughty face on the matter, "It's not the loss I mind so much, " he said, "as it is the carelessnessof this worthless rascal. He lost my dinner clothes, given me on mybirthday they were, by a certain client, Tyrian purple too, but it hadbeen washed once already. But what does it amount to? I make you apresent of the scoundrel!"

CHAPTER THE THIRTY-FIRST. 

We felt deeply obligated by his great condescension, and the sameslave for whom we had interceded, rushed up to us as we entered thedining-room, and to our astonishment, kissed us thick and fast, voicinghis thanks for our kindness. "You'll know in a minute whom you did afavor for, " he confided, "the master's wine is the thanks of a gratefulbutler!" At length we reclined, and slave boys from Alexandria pouredwater cooled with snow upon our hands, while others following, attendedto our feet and removed the hangnails with wonderful dexterity, nor werethey silent even during this disagreeable operation, but they all keptsinging at their work. I was desirous of finding out whether the wholehousehold could sing, so I ordered a drink; a boy near at hand instantlyrepeated my order in a singsong voice fully as shrill, and whichever oneyou accosted did the same. You would not imagine that this was thedining-room of a private gentleman, but rather that it was an exhibitionof pantomimes. A very inviting relish was brought on, for by now all thecouches were occupied save only that of Trimalchio, for whom, after a newcustom, the chief place was reserved. 

On the tray stood a donkey made of Corinthian bronze, bearing pannierscontaining olives, white in one and black in the other. Two plattersflanked the figure, on the margins of which were engraved Trimalchio'sname and the weight of the silver in each. Dormice sprinkled withpoppy-seed and honey were served on little bridges soldered fast to theplatter, and hot sausages on a silver gridiron, underneath which weredamson plums and pomegranate seeds. 

CHAPTER THE THIRTY-SECOND. 

We Were in the midst of these delicacies when, to the sound of music, Trimalchio himself was carried in and bolstered up in a nest of smallcushions, which forced a snicker from the less wary. A shaven pollprotruded from a scarlet mantle, and around his neck, already muffledwith heavy clothing, he had tucked a napkin having a broad purple stripeand a fringe that hung down all around. On the little finger of his lefthand he wore a massive gilt ring, and on the first joint of the nextfinger, a smaller one which seemed to me to be of pure gold, but as amatter of fact it had iron stars soldered on all around it. And then, for fear all of his finery would not be displayed, he bared his rightarm, adorned with a golden arm-band and an ivory circlet clasped with aplate of shining metal. 

CHAPTER THE THIRTY-THIRD. 

Picking his teeth with a silver quill, "Friends, " said he, "it was notconvenient for me to come into the dining-room just yet, but for fear myabsence should cause you any inconvenience, I gave over my own pleasure:permit me, however, to finish my game. " A slave followed with aterebinth table and crystal dice, and I noted one piece of luxury thatwas superlative; for instead of black and white pieces, he used gold andsilver coins. He kept up a continual flow of various coarse expressions. We were still dallying with the relishes when a tray was brought in, onwhich was a basket containing a wooden hen with her wings rounded andspread out as if she were brooding. Two slaves instantly approached, andto the accompaniment of music, commenced to feel around in the straw. They pulled out some pea-hen's eggs, which they distributed among thediners. Turning his head, Trimalchio saw what was going on. "Friends, "he remarked. "I ordered pea-hen's eggs set under the hen, but I'm afraidthey're addled, by Hercules I am let's try them anyhow, and see ifthey're still fit to suck. " We picked up our spoons, each of whichweighed not less than half a pound, and punctured the shells, which weremade of flour and dough, and as a matter of fact, I very nearly threwmine away for it seemed to me that a chick had formed already, but uponhearing an old experienced guest vow, "There must be something goodhere, " I broke open the shell with my hand and discovered a fine fatfig-pecker, imbedded in a yolk seasoned with pepper. 

CHAPTER THE THIRTY-FOURTH. 

Having finished his game, Trimalchio was served with a helping ofeverything and was announcing in a loud voice his willingness to joinanyone in a second cup of honied wine, when, to a flourish of music, therelishes were suddenly whisked away by a singing chorus, but a small dishhappened to fall to the floor, in the scurry, and a slave picked it up. Seeing this, Trimalchio ordered that the boy be punished by a box on theear, and made him throw it down again; a janitor followed with his broomand swept the silver dish away among the litter. Next followed twolong-haired Ethiopians, carrying small leather bottles, such as arecommonly seen in the hands of those who sprinkle sand in the arena, andpoured wine upon our hands, for no one offered us water. Whencomplimented upon these elegant extras, the host cried out, "Mars lovesa fair fight: and so I ordered each one a separate table: that way thesestinking slaves won't make us so hot with their crowding. " Some glassbottles carefully sealed with gypsum were brought in at that instant; alabel bearing this inscription was fastened to the neck of each one:

 OPIMIAN FALERNIAN ONE HUNDRED YEARS OLD. 

While we were studying the labels, Trimalchio clapped his hands andcried, "Ah me! To think that wine lives longer than poor little man. Let's fill 'em up! There's life in wine and this is the real Opimian, you can take my word for that. I offered no such vintage yesterday, though my guests were far more respectable. " We were tippling away andextolling all these elegant devices, when a slave brought in a silverskeleton, so contrived that the joints and movable vertebra could beturned in any direction. He threw it down upon the table a time or two, and its mobile articulation caused it to assume grotesque attitudes, whereupon Trimalchio chimed in:

 "Poor man is nothing in the scheme of things And Orcus grips us and to Hades flings Our bones! This skeleton before us here Is as important as we ever were! Let's live then while we may and life is dear. "

CHAPTER THE THIRTY-FIFTH. 

The applause was followed by a course which, by its oddity, drew everyeye, but it did not come up to our expectations. There was a circulartray around which were displayed the signs of the zodiac, and upon eachsign the caterer had placed the food best in keeping with it. Ram'svetches on Aries, a piece of beef on Taurus, kidneys and lamb's fry onGemini, a crown on Cancer, the womb of an unfarrowed sow on Virgo, anAfrican fig on Leo, on Libra a balance, one pan of which held a tart andthe other a cake, a small seafish on Scorpio, a bull's eye onSagittarius, a sea lobster on Capricornus, a goose on Aquarius and twomullets on Pisces. In the middle lay a piece of cut sod upon whichrested a honeycomb with the grass arranged around it. An Egyptian slavepassed bread around from a silver oven and in a most discordant voicetwisted out a song in the manner of the mime in the musical farce calledLaserpitium. Seeing that we were rather depressed at the prospect ofbusying ourselves with such vile fare, Trimalchio urged us to fall to:"Let us fall to, gentlemen, I beg of you, this is only the sauce!"

CHAPTER THE THIRTY-SIXTH. 

While he was speaking, four dancers ran in to the time of the music, and removed the upper part of the tray. Beneath, on what seemed to beanother tray, we caught sight of stuffed capons and sows' bellies, and inthe middle, a hare equipped with wings to resemble Pegasus. At thecorners of the tray we also noted four figures of Marsyas and from theirbladders spouted a highly spiced sauce upon fish which were swimmingabout as if in a tide-race. All of us echoed the applause which wasstarted by the servants, and fell to upon these exquisite delicacies, with a laugh. "Carver, " cried Trimalchio, no less delighted with theartifice practised upon us, and the carver appeared immediately. Timinghis strokes to the beat of the music he cut up the meat in such a fashionas to lead you to think that a gladiator was fighting from a chariot tothe accompaniment of a water-organ. Every now and then Trimalchio wouldrepeat "Carver, Carver, " in a low voice, until I finally came to theconclusion that some joke was meant in repeating a word so frequently, soI did not scruple to question him who reclined above me. As he had oftenexperienced byplay of this sort he explained, "You see that fellow who iscarving the meat, don't you? Well, his name is Carver. WheneverTrimalchio says Carver, carve her, by the same word, he both calls andcommands!"

CHAPTER THE THIRTY-SEVENTH. 

I could eat no more, so I turned to my whilom informant to learn as muchas I could and sought to draw him out with far-fetched gossip. Iinquired who that woman could be who was scurrying about hither and yonin such a fashion. "She's called Fortunata, " he replied. "She's thewife of Trimalchio, and she measures her money by the peck. And only alittle while ago, what was she! May your genius pardon me, but you wouldnot have been willing to take a crust of bread from her hand. Now, without rhyme or reason, she's in the seventh heaven and is Trimalchio'sfactotum, so much so that he would believe her if she told him it wasdark when it was broad daylight! As for him, he don't know how rich heis, but this harlot keeps an eye on everything and where you least expectto find her, you're sure to run into her. She's temperate, sober, fullof good advice, and has many good qualities, but she has a scoldingtongue, a very magpie on a sofa, those she likes, she likes, but thoseshe dislikes, she dislikes! Trimalchio himself has estates as broad asthe flight of a kite is long, and piles of money. There's more silverplate lying in his steward's office than other men have in their wholefortunes! And as for slaves, damn me if I believe a tenth of them knowsthe master by sight. The truth is, that these stand-a-gapes are so muchin awe of him that any one of them would step into a fresh dunghillwithout ever knowing it, at a mere nod from him!"

CHAPTER THE THIRTY-EIGHTH. 

"And don't you get the idea that he buys anything; everything is producedat home, wool, pitch, pepper, if you asked for hen's milk you would getit. Because he wanted his wool to rival other things in quality, hebought rams at Tarentum and sent 'em into his flocks with a slap on thearse. He had bees brought from Attica, so he could produce Attic honeyat home, and, as a side issue, so he could improve the native bees bycrossing with the Greek. He even wrote to India for mushroom seed oneday, and he hasn't a single mule that wasn't sired by a wild ass. Do yousee all those cushions? Not a single one but what is stuffed with eitherpurple or scarlet wool! He hasn't anything to worry about! Look out howyou criticise those other fellow-freedmen-friends of his, they're allwell heeled. See the fellow reclining at the bottom of the end couch?He's worth his 800, 000 any day, and he rose from nothing. Only a shortwhile ago he had to carry faggots on his own back. I don't know how trueit is, but they say that he snatched off an Incubo's hat and found atreasure! For my part, I don't envy any man anything that was given himby a god. He still carries the marks of his box on the ear, and he isn'twishing himself any bad luck! He posted this notice, only the other day:

 CAIUS POMPONIUS DIOGENES HAS PURCHASED A HOUSE THIS GARNET FOR RENT AFTER THE KALENDS OF JULY. 

"What do you think of the fellow in the freedman's place? He has a goodfront, too, hasn't he? And he has a right to. He saw his fortunemultiplied tenfold, but he lost heavily through speculation at the last. I don't think he can call his very hair his own, and it is no fault ofhis either, by Hercules, it isn't. There's no better fellow anywhere hisrascally freedmen cheated him out of everything. You know very well howit is; everybody's business is nobody's business, and once let businessaffairs start to go wrong, your friends will stand from under! Look atthe fix he's in, and think what a fine trade he had! He used to be anundertaker. He dined like a king, boars roasted whole in their shaggyBides, bakers' pastries, birds, cooks and bakers! More wine was spilledunder his table than another has in his wine cellar. His life was like apipe dream, not like an ordinary mortal's. When his affairs commenced togo wrong, and he was afraid his creditors would guess that he wasbankrupt, he advertised an auction and this was his placard:

 JULIUS PROCULUS WILL SELL AT AUCTION HIS SUPERFLUOUS FURNITURE"

CHAPTER THE THIRTY-NINTH. 

Trimalchio broke in upon this entertaining gossip, for the course hadbeen removed and the guests, happy with wine, had started a generalconversation: lying back upon his couch, "You ought to make this wine godown pleasantly, " he said, "the fish must have something to swim in. ButI say, you didn't think I'd be satisfied with any such dinner as you sawon the top of that tray? 'Is Ulysses no better known?' Well, well, weshouldn't forget our culture, even at dinner. May the bones of my patronrest in peace, he wanted me to become a man among men. No one can showme anything new, and that little tray has proved it. This heaven wherethe gods live, turns into as many different signs, and sometimes into theRam: therefore, whoever is born under that sign will own many flocks andmuch wool, a hard head, a shameless brow, and a sharp horn. A great manyschool-teachers and rambunctious butters-in are born under that sign. "We applauded the wonderful penetration of our astrologer and he ran on, "Then the whole heaven turns into a bull-calf and the kickers andherdsmen and those who see to it that their own bellies are full, comeinto the world. Teams of horses and oxen are born under the Twins, andwell-hung wenchers and those who bedung both sides of the wall. I wasborn under the Crab and therefore stand on many legs and own muchproperty on land and sea, for the crab is as much at home on one as he isin the other. For that reason, I put nothing on that sign for fear ofweighing down my own destiny. Bulldozers and gluttons are born under theLion, and women and fugitives and chain-gangs are born under the Virgin. Butchers and perfumers are born under the Balance, and all who think thatit is their business to straighten things out. Poisoners and assassinsare born under the Scorpion. Cross-eyed people who look at thevegetables and sneak away with the bacon, are born under the Archer. Horny-handed sons of toil are born under Capricorn. Bartenders andpumpkin-heads are born under the Water-Carrier. Caterers andrhetoricians are born under the Fishes: and so the world turns round, just like a mill, and something bad always comes to the top, and men areeither being born or else they're dying. As to the sod and the honeycombin the middle, for I never do anything without a reason, Mother Earth isin the centre, round as an egg, and all that is good is found in her, just like it is in a honeycomb. "

CHAPTER THE FORTIETH. 

"Bravo!" we yelled, and, with hands uplifted to the ceiling, we sworethat such fellows as Hipparchus and Aratus were not to be compared withhim. At length some slaves came in who spread upon the couches somecoverlets upon which were embroidered nets and hunters stalking theirgame with boar-spears, and all the paraphernalia of the chase. We knewnot what to look for next, until a hideous uproar commenced, just outsidethe dining-room door, and some Spartan hounds commenced to run around thetable all of a sudden. A tray followed them, upon which was served awild boar of immense size, wearing a liberty cap upon its head, and fromits tusks hung two little baskets of woven palm fibre, one of whichcontained Syrian dates, the other, Theban. Around it hung littlesuckling pigs made from pastry, signifying that this was a brood-sow withher pigs at suck. It turned out that these were souvenirs intended to betaken home. When it came to carving the boar, our old friend Carver, whohad carved the capons, did not appear, but in his place a great beardedgiant, with bands around his legs, and wearing a short hunting cape inwhich a design was woven. Drawing his hunting-knife, he plunged itfiercely into the boar's side, and some thrushes flew out of the gash. Fowlers, ready with their rods, caught them in a moment, as theyfluttered around the room and Trimalchio ordered one to each guest, remarking, "Notice what fine acorns this forest-bred boar fed on, " and ashe spoke, some slaves removed the little baskets from the tusks anddivided the Syrian and Theban dates equally among the diners. 

CHAPTER THE FORTY-FIRST. 

Getting a moment to myself, in the meantime, I began to speculate as towhy the boar had come with a liberty cap upon his head. After exhaustingmy invention with a thousand foolish guesses, I made bold to put theriddle which teased me to my old informant. "Why, sure, " he replied, "even your slave could explain that; there's no riddle, everything's asplain as day! This boar made his first bow as the last course ofyesterday's dinner and was dismissed by the guests, so today he comesback as a freedman!" I damned my stupidity and refrained from asking anymore questions for fear I might leave the impression that I had neverdined among decent people before. While we were speaking, a handsomeboy, crowned with vine leaves and ivy, passed grapes around, in a littlebasket, and impersonated Bacchus-happy, Bacchus-drunk, andBacchus-dreaming, reciting, in the meantime, his master's verses, in ashrill voice. Trimalchio turned to him and said, "Dionisus, be thouLiber, " whereupon the boy immediately snatched the cap from the boar'shead, and put it upon his own. At that Trimalchio added, "You can'tdeny that my father's middle name was Liber!" We applauded Trimalchio'sconceit heartily, and kissed the boy as he went around. Trimalchioretired to the close-stool, after this course, and we, having freedom ofaction with the tyrant away, began to draw the other guests out. Aftercalling for a bowl of wine, Dama spoke up, "A day's nothing at all: it'snight before you can turn around, so you can't do better than to goright to the dining-room from your bed. It's been so cold that I canhardly get warm in a bath, but a hot drink's as good as an overcoat:I've had some long pegs, and between you and me, I'm a bit groggy; thebooze has gone to my head. "

CHAPTER THE FORTY-SECOND. 

Here Seleucus took up the tale. "I don't bathe every day, " he confided, "a bath uses you up like a fuller: water's got teeth and your strengthwastes away a little every day; but when I've downed a pot of mead, Itell the cold to suck my cock! I couldn't bathe today anyway, because Iwas at a funeral; dandy fellow, he was too, good old Chrysanthus slippedhis wind! Why, only the other day he said good morning' to me, and Ialmost think I'm talking to him now! Gawd's truth, we're only blown-upbladders strutting around, we're less than flies, for they have some goodin them, but we're only bubbles. And supposing he had not kept to such alow diet! Why, not a drop of water or a crumb of bread so much as passedhis lips for five days; and yet he joined the majority! Too many doctorsdid away with him, or rather, his time had come, for a doctor's not goodfor anything except for a consolation to your mind! He was well carriedout, anyhow, in the very bed he slept in during his lifetime. And he wascovered with a splendid pall: the mourning was tastefully managed; he hadfreed some slaves; even though his wife was sparing with her tears: andwhat if he hadn't treated her so well! But when you come to women, womenall belong to the kite species: no one ought to waste a good turn uponone of them; it's just like throwing it down a well! An old love's likea cancer!"

CHAPTER THE FORTY-THIRD. 

He was becoming very tiresome, and Phileros cried out, "Let's think aboutthe living! He has what was coming to him, he lived respectably, andrespectably he died. What's he got to kick about'? He made his pilefrom an as, and would pick a quadrans out of a dunghill with his teeth, any old time. And he grew richer and richer, of course: just like ahoneycomb. I expect that he left all of a hundred thousand, by Hercules, I do! All in cold cash, too; but I've eaten dog's tongue and must speakthe truth: he was foul-mouthed, had a ready tongue, he was a troublemaker and no man. Now his brother was a good fellow, a friend to hisfriend, free-handed, and he kept a liberal table. He picked a loser atthe start, but his first vintage set him upon his legs, for he sold hiswine at the figure he demanded, and, what made him hold his head higherstill, he came into a legacy from which he stole more than had been leftto him. Then that fool friend of yours, in a fit of anger at hisbrother, willed his property away to some son-of-a-bitch or other, whohe was, I don't know, but when a man runs away from his own kin, he hasa long way to go! And what's more, he had some slaves who wereear-specialists at the keyhole, and they did him a lot of harm, for a manwon't prosper when he believes, on the spot, every tale that he hears; aman in business, especially. Still, he had a good time as long as helived: for happy's the fellow who gets the gift, not the one it was meantfor. He sure was Fortune's son! Lead turned to gold in his hands. It'seasy enough when everything squares up and runs on schedule. How oldwould you think he was? Seventy and over, but he was as tough as horn, carried his age well, and was as black as a crow. I knew the fellow foryears and years, and he was a lecher to the very last. I don't believethat even the dog in his house escaped his attentions, by Hercules, Idon't; and what a boy-lover he was! Saw a virgin in every one he met!Not that I blame him though, for it's all he could take with him. "

CHAPTER THE FORTY-FOURTH. 

Phileros had his say and Ganymedes exclaimed, "You gabble away aboutthings that don't concern heaven or earth: and none of you cares how theprice of grain pinches. I couldn't even get a mouthful of bread today, by Hercules, I couldn't. How the drought does hang on! We've had faminefor a year. If the damned AEdiles would only get what's coming to them. They graft with the bakers, scratch-my-arse-and-I'll-scratch-yours!That's the way it always is, the poor devils are out of luck, but thejaws of the capitalists are always keeping the Saturnalia. If only wehad such lion-hearted sports as we had when I first came from Asia! Thatwas the life! If the flour was not the very best, they would beat upthose belly-robbing grafters till they looked like Jupiter had been atthem. How well I remember Safinius; he lived near the old arch, when Iwas a boy. For a man, he was one hot proposition! Wherever he went, theground smoked! But he was square, dependable, a friend to a friend, youcould safely play mora with him, in the dark. But how he did peel themin the town hall: he spoke no parables, not he! He did everythingstraight from the shoulder and his voice roared like a trumpet in theforum. He never sweat nor spat. I don't know, but I think he had astrain of the Asiatic in him. And how civil and friendly-like he was, in returning everyone's greeting; called us all by name, just like he wasone of us! And so provisions were cheap as dirt in those days. The loafyou got for an as, you couldn't eat, not even if someone helped you, butyou see them no bigger than a bull's eye now, and the hell of it is thatthings are getting worse every day; this colony grows backwards like acalf's tall! Why do we have to put up with an AEdile here, who's notworth three Caunian figs and who thinks more of an as than of our lives?He has a good time at home, and his daily income's more than anotherman's fortune. I happen to know where he got a thousand gold pieces. If we had any nuts, he'd not be so damned well pleased with himself!Nowadays, men are lions at home and foxes abroad. What gets me is, thatI've already eaten my old clothes, and if this high cost of living keepson, I'll have to sell my cottages! What's going to happen to this town, if neither gods nor men take pity on it? May I never have any luck if Idon't believe all this comes from the gods! For no one believes thatheaven is heaven, no one keeps a fast, no one cares a hang about Jupiter:they all shut their eyes and count up their own profits. In the olddays, the married women, in their stolas, climbed the hill in their barefeet, pure in heart, and with their hair unbound, and prayed to Jupiterfor rain! And it would pour down in bucketfuls then or never, and they'dall come home, wet as drowned rats. But the gods all have the gout now, because we are not religious; and so our fields are burning up!"

CHAPTER THE FORTY-FIFTH. 

"Don't be so down in the mouth, " chimed in Echion, the ragman; "if itwasn't that it'd be something else, as the farmer said, when he lost hisspotted pig. If a thing don't happen today, it may tomorrow. That's theway life jogs along. You couldn't name a better country, by Hercules, you couldn't, if only the men had any brains. She's in hot water rightnow, but she ain't the only one. We oughtn't to be so particular;heaven's as far away everywhere else. If you were somewhere else, you'dswear that pigs walked around here already roasted. Think of what'scoming! We'll soon have a fine gladiator show to last for three days, notraining-school pupils; most of them will be freedmen. Our Titus has ahot head and plenty of guts and it will go to a finish. I'm wellacquainted with him, and he'll not stand for any frame-ups. It will becold steel in the best style, no running away, the shambles will be inthe middle of the amphitheatre where all the crowd can see. And what'smore, he has the coin, for he came into thirty million when his fatherhad the bad luck to die. He could blow in four hundred thousand and hisfortune never feel it, but his name would live forever. He has somedwarfs already, and a woman to fight from a chariot. Then, there'sGlyco's steward; he was caught screwing Glyco's wife. You'll see somebattle between jealous husbands and favored lovers. Anyhow, that cheapscrew of a Glyco condemned his steward to the beasts and only publishedhis own shame. How could the slave go wrong when he only obeyed orders?It would have been better if that she-piss-pot, for that's all she's fitfor, had been tossed by the bull, but a fellow has to beat the saddlewhen he can't beat the jackass. How could Glyco ever imagine that asprig of Hermogenes' planting could turn out well? Why, Hermogenes couldtrim the claws of a flying hawk, and no snake ever hatched out a ropeyet! And look at Glyco! He's smoked himself out in fine shape, and aslong as he lives, he'll carry that stain! No one but the devil himselfcan wipe that out, but chickens always come home to roost. My nose tellsme that Mammaea will set out a spread: two bits apiece for me and mine!And he'll nick Norbanus out of his political pull if he does; you allknow that it's to his interest to hump himself to get the best of him. And honestly, what did that fellow ever do for us? He exhibited some twocent gladiators that were so near dead they'd have fallen flat if youblew your breath at them. I've seen better thugs sent against wildbeasts! And the cavalry he killed looked about as much like the realthing as the horsemen on the lamps; you would have taken them fordunghill cocks! One plug had about as much action as a jackass with apack-saddle; another was club-footed; and a third who had to take theplace of one that was killed, was as good as dead, and hamstrung into thebargain. There was only one that had any pep, and he was a Thracian, buthe only fought when we egged him on. The whole crowd was floggedafterwards. How the mob did yell 'Lay it on!' They were nothing butrunaways. And at that he had the nerve to say, 'I've given you a show. ''And I've applauded, ' I answered; 'count it up and you'll find that Igave more than I got! One hand washes the other. '"

CHAPTER THE FORTY-SIXTH

"Agamemnon, your looks seem to say, What's this boresome nut trying tohand us?' Well, I'm talking because you, who can talk book-foolishness, won't. You don't belong to our bunch, so you laugh in your sleeve at theway us poor people talk, but we know that you're only a fool with a lotof learning. Well, what of it? Some day I'll get you to come to mycountry place and take a look at my little estate. We'll have fresh eggsand spring chicken to chew on when we get there; it will be all righteven if the weather has kept things back this year. We'll find enough tosatisfy us, and my kid will soon grow up to be a pupil of yours; he candivide up to four, now, and you'll have a little servant at your side, ifhe lives. When he has a minute to himself, he never takes his eyes fromhis tablets; he's smart too, and has the right kind of stuff in him, evenif he is crazy about birds. I've had to kill three of his linnetsalready. I told him that a weasel had gotten them, but he's foundanother hobby, now he paints all the time. He's left the marks of hisheels on his Greek already, and is doing pretty well with his Latin, although his master's too easy with him; won't make him stick to onething. He comes to me to get me to give him something to write when hismaster don't want to work. Then there's another tutor, too, no scholar, but very painstaking, though; he can teach you more than he knowshimself. He comes to the house on holidays and is always satisfied withwhatever you pay him. Some little time ago, I bought the kid some lawbooks; I want him to have a smattering of the law for home use. There'sbread in that! As for literature, he's got enough of that in himalready; if he begins to kick, I've concluded that I'll make him learnsome trade; the barber's, say, or the auctioneer's, or even the lawyer's. That's one thing no one but the devil can do him out of! 'Believe whatyour daddy says, Primigenius, ' I din into his ears every day, 'wheneveryou learn a thing, it's yours. Look at Phileros the attorney; he'd notbe keeping the wolf from the door now if he hadn't studied. It's notlong since he had to carry his wares on his back and peddle them, but hecan put up a front with Norbanus himself now! Learning's a fine thing, and a trade won't starve. '"

CHAPTER THE FORTY-SEVENTH. 

Twaddle of this sort was being bandied about when Trimalchio came in;mopping his forehead and washing his hands in perfume, he said, after ashort pause, "Pardon me, gentlemen, but my stomach's been on strike forthe past few days and the doctors disagreed about the cause. Butpomegranate rind and pitch steeped in vinegar have helped me, and I hopethat my belly will get on its good behavior, for sometimes there's such arumbling in my guts that you'd think a bellowing bull was in there. Soif anyone wants to do his business, there's no call to be bashful aboutit. None of us was born solid! I don't know of any worse torment thanhaving to hold it in, it's the one thing Jupiter himself can't hold in. So you're laughing, are you, Fortunata? Why, you're always keeping meawake at night yourself. I never objected yet to anyone in mydining-room relieving himself when he wanted to, and the doctors forbidour holding it in. Everything's ready outside, if the call's moreserious, water, close-stool, and anything else you'll need. Believe me, when this rising vapor gets to the brain, it puts the whole body on theburn. Many a one I've known to kick in just because he wouldn't own upto the truth. " We thanked him for his kindness and consideration, andhid our laughter by drinking more and oftener. We had not realized that, as yet, we were only in the middle of the entertainment, with a hillstill ahead, as the saying goes. The tables were cleared off to the beatof music, and three white hogs, muzzled, and wearing bells, were broughtinto the dining-room. The announcer informed us that one was atwo-year-old, another three, and the third just turned six. I had anidea that some rope-dancers had come in and that the hogs would performtricks, just as they do for the crowd on the streets, but Trimalchiodispelled this illusion by asking, "Which one will you have served upimmediately, for dinner? Any country cook can manage a dunghill cock, apentheus hash, or little things like that, but my cooks are well used toserving up calves boiled whole, in their cauldrons!" Then he ordered acook to be called in at once, and without awaiting our pleasure, hedirected that the oldest be butchered, and demanded in a loud voice, "What division do you belong too?" When the fellow made answer that hewas from the fortieth, "Were you bought, or born upon my estates?"Trimalchio continued. "Neither, " replied the cook, "I was left to you byPansa's will. " "See to it that this is properly done, " Trimalchiowarned, "or I'll have you transferred to the division of messengers!"and the cook, bearing his master's warning in mind, departed for thekitchen with the next course in tow. 

CHAPTER THE FORTY-EIGHTH. 

Trimalchio's threatening face relaxed and he turned to us, "If the winedon't please you, " he said, "I'll change it; you ought to do justice toit by drinking it. I don't have to buy it, thanks to the gods. Everything here that makes your mouths water, was produced on one of mycountry places which I've never yet seen, but they tell me it's downTerracina and Tarentum way. I've got a notion to add Sicily to my otherlittle holdings, so in case I want to go to Africa, I'll be able to sailalong my own coasts. But tell me the subject of your speech today, Agamemnon, for, though I don't plead cases myself, I studied literaturefor home use, and for fear you should think I don't care about learning, let me inform you that I have three libraries, one Greek and the othersLatin. Give me the outline of your speech if you like me. "

"A poor man and a rich man were enemies, " Agamemmon began, when: "What'sa poor man?" Trimalchio broke in. "Well put, " Agamemnon conceded andwent into details upon some problem or other, what it was I do not know. Trimalchio instantly rendered the following verdict, "If that's the case, there's nothing to dispute about; if it's not the case, it don't amountto anything anyhow. " These flashes of wit, and others equallyscintillating, we loudly applauded, and he went on: "Tell me, my dearestAgamemnon, do you remember the twelve labors of Hercules or the story ofUlysses, how the Cyclops threw his thumb out of joint with a pig-headedcrowbar? When I was a boy, I used to read those stories in Homer. Andthen, there's the Sibyl: with my own eyes I saw her, at Cumae, hanging upin a jar; and whenever the boys would say to her 'Sibyl, Sibyl, whatwould you?' she would answer, 'I would die. '"

CHAPTER THE FORTY-NINTH. 

Before he had run out of wind, a tray upon which was an enormous hog wasplaced upon the table, almost filling it up. We began to wonder at thedispatch with which it had been prepared and swore that no cock couldhave been served up in so short a time; moreover, this hog seemed to usfar bigger than the boar had been. Trimalchio scrutinized it closely and"What the hell, " he suddenly bawled out, "this hog hain't been gutted, has it? No, it hain't, by Hercules, it hain't! Call that cook! Callthat cook in here immediately!" When the crestfallen cook stood at thetable and owned up that he had forgotten to bowel him, "So you forgot, did you?" Trimalchio shouted, "You'd think he'd only left out a bit ofpepper and cummin, wouldn't you? Off with his clothes!" The cook wasstripped without delay, and stood with hanging head, between twotorturers. We all began to make excuses for him at this, saying, "Littlethings like that are bound to happen once in a while, let us prevail uponyou to let him off; if he ever does such a thing again, not a one of uswill have a word to say in his behalf. " But for my part, I wasmercilessly angry and could not help leaning over towards Agamemnon andwhispering in his ear, "It is easily seen that this fellow is criminallycareless, is it not? How could anyone forget to draw a hog? If he hadserved me a fish in that fashion I wouldn't overlook it, by Hercules, Iwouldn't. " But that was not Trimalchio's way: his face relaxed into goodhumor and he said, "Since your memory's so short, you can gut him righthere before our eyes!" The cook put on his tunic, snatched up a carvingknife, with a trembling hand, and slashed the hog's belly in severalplaces. Sausages and meat-puddings, widening the apertures, by theirown weight, immediately tumbled out. 

CHAPTER THE FIFTIETH. 

The whole household burst into unanimous applause at this; "Hurrah forGaius, " they shouted. As for the cook, he was given a drink and a silvercrown and a cup on a salver of Corinthian bronze. Seeing that Agamemnonwas eyeing the platter closely, Trimalchio remarked, "I'm the only onethat can show the real Corinthian!" I thought that, in his usualpurse-proud manner, he was going to boast that his bronzes were allimported from Corinth, but he did even better by saying, "Wouldn't youlike to know how it is that I'm the only one that can show the realCorinthian? Well, it's because the bronze worker I patronize is namedCorinthus, and what's Corinthian unless it's what a Corinthus makes?And, so you won't think I'm a blockhead, I'm going to show you that I'mwell acquainted with how Corinthian first came into the world. When Troywas taken, Hannibal, who was a very foxy fellow and a great rascal intothe bargain, piled all the gold and silver and bronze statues in one pileand set 'em afire, melting these different metals into one: then themetal workers took their pick and made bowls and dessert dishes andstatuettes as well. That's how Corinthian was born; neither one nor theother, but an amalgam of all. But I prefer glass, if you don't mind mysaying so; it don't stink, and if it didn't break, I'd rather have itthan gold, but it's cheap and common now. "

CHAPTER THE FIFTY-FIRST. 

"But there was an artisan, once upon a time, who made a glass vial thatcouldn't be broken. On that account he was admitted to Caesar with hisgift; then he dashed it upon the floor, when Caesar handed it back tohim. The Emperor was greatly startled, but the artisan picked the vialup off the pavement, and it was dented, just like a brass bowl would havebeen! He took a little hammer out of his tunic and beat out the dentwithout any trouble. When he had done that, he thought he would soon bein Jupiter's heaven, and more especially when Caesar said to him, 'Isthere anyone else who knows how to make this malleable glass? Thinknow!' And when he denied that anyone else knew the secret, Caesarordered his head chopped off, because if this should get out, we wouldthink no more of gold than we would of dirt. "

CHAPTER THE FIFTY-SECOND. 

"And when it comes to silver, I'm a connoisseur; I have goblets as big aswine-jars, a hundred of 'em more or less, with engraving that shows howCassandra killed her sons, and the dead boys are lying so naturally thatyou'd think 'em alive. I own a thousand bowls which Mummius left to mypatron, where Daedalus is shown shutting Niobe up in the Trojan horse, and I also have cups engraved with the gladiatorial contests of Hermerosand Petraites: they're all heavy, too. I wouldn't sell my taste in thesematters for any money!" A slave dropped a cup while he was running on inthis fashion. Glaring at him, Trimalchio said, "Go hang yourself, sinceyou're so careless. " The boy's lip quivered and he immediately commencedto beg for mercy. "Why do you pray to me?" Trimalchio demanded, atthis: "I don't intend to be harsh with you, I'm only warning you againstbeing so awkward. " Finally, however, we got him to give the boy a pardonand no sooner had this been done than the slave started running aroundthe room crying, "Out with the water and in with the wine!" We all paidtribute to this joke, but Agamemnon in particular, for he well knew whatstrings to pull in order to secure another invitation to dinner. Tickledby our flattery, and mellowed by the wine, Trimalchio was just aboutdrunk. "Why hasn't one of you asked my Fortunata to dance?" hedemanded, "There's no one can do a better cancan, believe me, " and hehimself raised his arms above his head and favored us with animpersonation of Syrus the actor; the whole household chanting:

 Oh bravo Oh bravissimo

in chorus, and he would have danced out into the middle of the roombefore us all, had not Fortunata whispered in his ear, telling him, I suppose, that such low buffoonery was not in keeping with his dignity. But nothing could be so changeable as his humor, for one minute he stoodin awe of Fortunata, but his natural propensities would break out thenext. 

CHAPTER THE FIFTY-THIRD. 

But his passion for dancing was interrupted at this stage by astenographer who read aloud, as if he were reading the public records, "On the seventh of the Kalends of July, on Trimalchio's estates nearCumae, were born thirty boys and forty girls: five hundred pecks of wheatwere taken from the threshing floors and stored in the granaries: fivehundred oxen were put to yoke: the slave Mithridates was crucified on thesame date for cursing the genius of our master, Gaius: on said date tenmillion sesterces were returned to the vaults as no sound investmentcould be found: on said date, a fire broke out in the gardens at Pompeii, said fire originating in the house of Nasta, the bailiff. " "What'sthat?" demanded Trimalchio. "When were the gardens at Pompeii bought forme?" "Why, last year, " answered the stenographer, "for that reason theitem has not appeared in the accounts. " Trimalchio flew into a rage atthis. "If I'm not told within six months of any real estate that'sbought for me, " he shouted, "I forbid it's being carried to my account atall!" Next, the edicts of his aediles were read aloud, and the wills ofsome of his foresters in which Trimalchio was disinherited by a codicil, then the names of his bailiffs, and that of a freedwoman who had beenrepudiated by a night watchman, after she had been caught in bed with abath attendant, that of a porter banished to Baioe, a steward who wasstanding trial, and lastly the report of a decision rendered in thematter of a lawsuit, between some valets. When this was over with, somerope dancers came in and a very boresome fool stood holding a ladder, ordering his boy to dance from rung to rung, and finally at the top, allthis to the music of popular airs; then the boy was compelled to jumpthrough blazing hoops while grasping a huge wine jar with his teeth. Trimalchio was the only one who was much impressed by these tricks, remarking that it was a thankless calling and adding that in all theworld there were just two things which could give him acute pleasure, rope-dancers and horn blowers; all other entertainments were nothingbut nonsense. "I bought a company of comedians, " he went on, "but Ipreferred for them to put on Atellane farces, and I ordered myflute-player to play Latin airs only. "

CHAPTER THE FIFTY-FOURTH. 

While our noble Gaius was still talking away, the boy slipped and fell, alighting upon Trimalchio's arm. The whole household cried out, as didalso the guests, not that they bore such a coarse fellow any good will, as they would gladly have seen his neck broken, but because such anunlucky ending to the dinner might make it necessary for them to go intomourning over a total stranger. As for Trimalchio, he groaned heavilyand bent over his arm as though it had been injured: doctors flockedaround him, and Fortunata was among the very first, her hair wasstreaming and she held a cup in her hand and screamed out her grief andunhappiness. As for the boy who had fallen, he was crawling at our feet, imploring pardon. I was uneasy for fear his prayers would lead up tosome ridiculous theatrical climax, for I had not yet been able to forgetthat cook who had forgotten to bowel that hog, and so, for this reason, Ibegan to scan the whole dining-room very closely, to see if an automatonwould come out through the wall; and all the more so as a slave wasbeaten for having bound up his master's bruised arm in white wool insteadof purple. Nor was my suspicion unjustified, for in place of punishment, Trimalchio ordered that the boy be freed, so that no one could say thatso exalted a personage had been injured by a slave. 

CHAPTER THE FIFTY-FIFTH. 

We applauded his action and engaged in a discussion upon the instabilityof human affairs, which many took sides. "A good reason, " declaredTrimalchio, "why such an occasion shouldn't slip by without an epigram. "He called for his tablets at once, and after racking his brains for alittle while, he got off the following:

 The unexpected will turn up; Our whole lives Fortune bungles up. Falernian, boy, hand round the cup. 

This epigram led up to a discussion of the poets, and for a long time, the greatest praise was bestowed upon Mopsus the Thracian, untilTrimalchio broke in with: "Professor, I wish you'd tell me how you'dcompare Cicero and Publilius. I'm of the opinion that the first was themore eloquent, but that the last moralizes more beautifully, for what canexcel these lines?

 Insatiable luxury crumbles the walls of war; To satiate gluttony, peacocks in coops are brought Arrayed in gold plumage like Babylon tapestry rich. Numidian guinea-fowls, capons, all perish for thee: And even the wandering stork, welcome guest that he is, The emblem of sacred maternity, slender of leg And gloctoring exile from winter, herald of spring, Still, finds his last nest in the--cauldron of gluttony base. India surrenders her pearls; and what mean they to thee? That thy wife decked with sea-spoils adorning her breast and her head On the couch of a stranger lies lifting adulterous legs? The emerald green, the glass bauble, what mean they to thee? Or the fire of the ruby? Except that pure chastity shine From the depth of the jewels: in garments of woven wind clad Our brides might as well take their stand, their game naked to stalk, As seek it in gossamer tissue transparent as air. "

CHAPTER THE FIFTY-SIXTH. 

"What should we say was the hardest calling, after literature?" he asked. "That of the doctor or that of the money-changer, I would say: thedoctor, because he has to know what poor devils have got in theirinsides, and when the fever's due: but I hate them like the devil, for mypart, because they're always ordering me on a diet of duck soup: and themoney-changer's, because he's got to be able to see the silver throughthe copper plating. When we come to the dumb beasts, the oxen and sheepare the hardest worked, the oxen, thanks to whose labor we have bread tochew on, the sheep, because their wool tricks us out so fine. It's thegreatest outrage under the sun for people to eat mutton and then wear atunic. Then there's the bee: in my opinion, they're divine insectsbecause they puke honey, though there are folks that claim that theybring it from Jupiter, and that's the reason they sting, too, forwherever you find a sweet, you'll find a bitter too. " He was just puttingthe philosophers out of business when lottery tickets were passed aroundin a cup. A slave boy assigned to that duty read aloud the names of thesouvenirs: "Silver s--ham, " a ham was brought in with some silver vinegarcruets on top of it; "cervical"--something soft for the neck--a piece ofthe cervix--neck--of a sheep was brought in; "serisapia"--after wit--"andcontumelia"--insult--we were given must wafers and an apple-melon--and aphallus--contus--; "porri"--leeks--"and persica, " he picked up a whip anda knife; "passeres"--sparrows" and a fly--trap, " the answer wasraisins--uva passa--and Attic honey; "cenatoria"--a dinner toga--"andforensia"--business dress--he handed out a piece of meat--suggestive ofdinner--and a note-book--suggestive of business--; "canale"--chased by adog--"and pedale"--pertaining to the foot--, a hare and a slipper werebrought out; "lamphrey"--murena--"and a letter, " he held up amouse--mus--and a frog--rana--tied together, and a bundle ofbeet--beta--the Greek letter beta--. We laughed long and loud, therewere a thousand of these jokes, more or less, which have now escaped mymemory. 

CHAPTER THE FIFTY-SEVENTH. 

But Ascyltos threw off all restraint and ridiculed everything; throwingup his hands, he laughed until the tears ran down his cheeks. At last, one of Trimalchio's fellow-freedmen, the one who had the place next tome, flew into a rage, "What's the joke, sheep's-head, " he bawled, "Don'tour host's swell entertainment suit you? You're richer than he is, Isuppose, and used to dining better! As I hope the guardian spirit ofthis house will be on my side, I'd have stopped his bleating long ago ifI'd been sitting next to him. He's a peach, he is, laughing at others;some vagabond or other from who-knows-where, some night-pad who's notworth his own piss: just let me piss a ring around him and he wouldn'tknow where to run to! I ain't easy riled, no, by Hercules, I ain't, butworms breed in tender flesh. Look at him laugh! What the hell's he gotto laugh at? Is his family so damned fine-haired? So you're a Romanknight! Well, I'm a king's son! How's it come that you've been a slave, you'll ask because I put myself into service because I'd rather be aRoman citizen than a tax-paying provincial. And now I hope that my lifewill be such that no one can jeer at me. I'm a man among men! I take mystroll bareheaded and owe no man a copper cent. I never had a summons inmy life and no one ever said to me, in the forum, pay me what you owe me. I've bought a few acres and saved up a few dollars and I feed twentybellies and a dog. I ransomed my bedfellow so no one could wipe hishands on her bosom; a thousand dinars it cost me, too. I was chosenpriest of Augustus without paying the fee, and I hope that I won't needto blush in my grave after I'm dead. But you're so busy that you can'tlook behind you; you can spot a louse on someone else, all right, but youcan't see the tick on yourself. You're the only one that thinks we're sofunny; look at your professor, he's older than you are, and we're goodenough for him, but you're only a brat with the milk still in your noseand all you can prattle is 'ma' or 'mu, ' you're only a clay pot, a pieceof leather soaked in water, softer and slipperier, but none the betterfor that. You've got more coin than we have, have you? Then eat twobreakfasts and two dinners a day. I'd rather have my reputation thanriches, for my part, and before I make an end of this--who ever dunned metwice? In all the forty years I was in service, no one could tellwhether I was free or a slave. I was only a long-haired boy when I cameto this colony and the town house was not built then. I did my best toplease my master and he was a digniferous and majestical gentleman whosenail-parings were worth more than your whole carcass. I had enemies inhis house, too, who would have been glad to trip me up, but I swam theflood, thanks to his kindness. Those are the things that try yourmettle, for it's as easy to be born a gentleman as to say, 'Come here. 'Well, what are you gaping at now, like a billy-goat in a vetch-field?"

CHAPTER THE FIFTY-EIGHTH. 

Giton, who had been standing at my feet, and who had for some time beenholding in his laughter, burst into an uproarious guffaw, at this lastfigure of speech, and when Ascyltos' adversary heard it, he turned hisabuse upon the boy. "What's so funny, you curly-headed onion, " hebellowed, "are the Saturnalia here, I'd like to know? Is it Decembernow?

"When did you pay your twentieth? What's this to you, you gallows-bird, you crow's meat? I'll call the anger of Jupiter down on you and thatmaster of yours, who don't keep you in better order. If I didn't respectmy fellow-freedmen, I'd give you what is coming to you right here on thespot, as I hope to get my belly full of bread, I would. We'll get alongwell enough, but those that can't control you are fools; like master likeman's a true saying. I can hardly hold myself in and I'm not hot-headedby nature, but once let me get a start and I don't care two cents for myown mother. All right, I'll catch you in the street, you rat, youtoadstool. May I never grow an inch up or down if I don't push yourmaster into a dunghill, and I'll give you the same medicine, I will, byHercules, I will, no matter if you call down Olympian Jupiter himself!I'll take care of your eight inch ringlets and your two cent master intothe bargain. I'll have my teeth into you, either you'll cut out thelaughing, or I don't know myself. Yes, even if you had a golden beard. I'll bring the wrath of Minerva down on you and on the fellow that firstmade a come-here out of you. No, I never learned geometry or criticismor other foolishness like that, but I know my capital letters and I candivide any figure by a hundred, be it in asses, pounds or sesterces. Let's have a show-down, you and I will make a little bet, here's my coin;you'll soon find out that your father's money was wasted on youreducation, even if you do know a little rhetoric. How's this--what partof us am I? I come far, I come wide, now guess me! I'll give youanother. What part of us runs but never moves from its place? What partof us grows but always grows less? But you scurry around and are asflustered and fidgeted as a mouse in a piss-pot. Shut up and don't annoyyour betters, who don't even know that you've been born. Don't thinkthat I'm impressed by those boxwood armlets that you did your mistressout of. Occupo will back me! Let's go into the forum and borrow money, then you'll see whether this iron ring means credit! Bah! A draggledfox is a fine sight, ain't it'? I hope I never get rich and die decentlyso that the people will swear by my death, if I don't hound youeverywhere with my toga turned inside out. And the fellow that taughtyou such manners did a good job too, a chattering ape, all right, noschoolmaster. We were better taught. 'Is everything in its place?' themaster would ask; go straight home and don't stop and stare at everythingand don't be impudent to your elders. Don't loiter along looking in atthe shops. No second raters came out of that school. I'm what you seeme and I thank the gods it's all due to my own cleverness. "

CHAPTER THE FIFTY-NINTH. 

Ascyltos was just starting in to answer this indictment when Trimalchio, who was delighted with his fellow-freedman's tirade, broke in, "Cut outthe bickering and let's have things pleasant here. Let up on the youngfellow, Hermeros, he's hot-blooded, so you ought to be more reasonable. The loser's always the winner in arguments of this kind. And as for you, even when you were a young punk you used to go 'Co-co co-co, ' like a henafter a rooster, but you had no pep. Let's get to better business andstart the fun all over again and watch the Homerists. " A troupe filedin, immediately, and clashed spears against shields. Trimalchio sathimself up on his cushion and intoned in Latin, from a book, while theactors, in accordance with their conceited custom, recited their parts inthe Greek language. There came a pause, presently, and "You don't any ofyou know the plot of the skit they're putting on, do you?" he asked, "Diomedes and Ganymede were two brothers, and Helen was their sister;Agamemnon ran away with her and palmed off a doe on Diana, in her place, so Homer tells how the Trojans and Parentines fought among themselves. Of course Agamemnon was victorious, and gave his daughter Iphigenia, toAchilles, for a wife: This caused Ajax to go mad, and he'll soon make thewhole thing plain to you. " The Homerists raised a shout, as soon asTrimalchio had done speaking, and, as the whole familia stepped back, aboiled calf with a helmet on its head was brought in on an enormousplatter. Ajax followed and rushed upon it with drawn sword, as if hewere insane, he made passes with the flat, and again with the edge, andthen, collecting the slices, he skewered them, and, much to ourastonishment, presented them to us on the point of his sword. 

CHAPTER THE SIXTIETH. 

But we were not given long in which to admire the elegance of suchservice, for all of a sudden the ceiling commenced to creak and then thewhole dining-room shook. I leaped to my feet in consternation, for fearsome rope-walker would fall down, and the rest of the company raisedtheir faces, wondering as much as I what new prodigy was to be announcedfrom on high. Then lo and behold! the ceiling panels parted and anenormous hoop, which appeared to have been knocked off a huge cask, waslowered from the dome above; its perimeter was hung with golden chapletsand jars of alabaster filled with perfume. We were asked to accept thesearticles as souvenirs. When my glance returned to the table, I noticedthat a dish containing cakes had been placed upon it, and in the middlean image of Priapus, made by the baker, and he held apples of allvarieties and bunches of grapes against his breast, in the conventionalmanner. We applied ourselves wholeheartedly to this dessert and ourjoviality was suddenly revived by a fresh diversion, for, at theslightest pressure, all the cakes and fruits would squirt a saffron sauceupon us, and even spurted unpleasantly into our faces. Being convincedthat these perfumed dainties had some religious significance, we arose ina body and shouted, "Hurrah for the Emperor, the father of his country!"However, as we perceived that even after this act of veneration, theothers continued helping themselves, we filled our napkins with theapples. I was especially keen on this, for I thought I could never putenough good things into Giton's lap. Three slaves entered, in themeantime, dressed in white tunics well tucked up, and two of them placedLares with amulets hanging from their necks, upon the table, while thethird carried round a bowl of wine and cried, "May the gods bepropitious!" One was called Cerdo--business--, Trimalchio informed us, the other Lucrio--luck--and the third Felicio--profit--and, when all therest had kissed a true likeness of Trimalchio, we were ashamed to pass itby. 

CHAPTER THE SIXTY-FIRST. 

After they had all wished each other sound minds and good health, Trimalchio turned to Niceros. "You used to be better company atdinner, " he remarked, "and I don't know why you should be dumb today, with never a word to say. If you wish to make me happy, tell about thatexperience you had, I beg of you. " Delighted at the affability of hisfriend, "I hope I lose all my luck if I'm not tickled to death at thehumor I see you in, " Niceros replied. "All right, let's go the limit fora good time, though I'm afraid these scholars'll laugh at me, but I'lltell my tale and they can go as far as they like. What t'hell do I carewho laughs? It's better to be laughed at than laughed down. " Thesewords spake the hero, and began the following tale: "We lived in a narrowstreet in the house Gavilla now owns, when I was a slave. There, by thewill of the gods, I fell in love with the wife of Terentius, theinnkeeper; you knew Melissa of Tarentum, that pretty round-checked littlewench. It was no carnal passion, so hear me, Hercules, it wasn't; I wasnot in love with her physical charms. No, it was because she was such agood sport. I never asked her for a thing and had her deny me; if shehad an as, I had half. I trusted her with everything I had and never wasdone out of anything. Her husband up and died on the place, one day, soI tried every way I could to get to her, for you know friends ought toshow up when anyone's in a pinch. 

CHAPTER THE SIXTY-SECOND. 

"It so happened that our master had gone to Capua to attend to some oddsand ends of business and I seized the opportunity, and persuaded a guestof the house to accompany me as far as the fifth mile-stone. He was asoldier, and as brave as the very devil. We set out about cock-crow, themoon was shining as bright as midday, and came to where the tombstonesare. My man stepped aside amongst them, but I sat down, singing, andcommenced to count them up. When I looked around for my companion, hehad stripped himself and piled his clothes by the side of the road. Myheart was in my mouth, and I sat there while he pissed a ring around themand was suddenly turned into a wolf! Now don't think I'm joking, Iwouldn't lie for any amount of money, but as I was saying, he commencedto howl after he was turned into a wolf, and ran away into the forest. I didn't know where I was for a minute or two, then I went to hisclothes, to pick them up, and damned if they hadn't turned to stone! Wasever anyone nearer dead from fright than me? Then I whipped out my swordand cut every shadow along the road to bits, till I came to the house ofmy mistress. I looked like a ghost when I went in, and I nearly slippedmy wind. The sweat was pouring down my crotch, my eyes were staring, andI could hardly be brought around. My Melissa wondered why I was out solate. "Oh, if you'd only come sooner, " she said, "you could have helpedus: a wolf broke into the folds and attacked the sheep, bleeding themlike a butcher. But he didn't get the laugh on me, even if he did getaway, for one of the slaves ran his neck through with a spear!" Icouldn't keep my eyes shut any longer when I heard that, and as soon asit grew light, I rushed back to our Gaius' house like an innkeeper beatenout of his bill, and when I came to the place where the clothes had beenturned into stone, there was nothing but a pool of blood! And moreover, when I got home, my soldier was lying in bed, like an ox, and a doctorwas dressing his neck! I knew then that he was a werewolf, and afterthat, I couldn't have eaten a crumb of bread with him, no, not if you hadkilled me. Others can think what they please about this, but as for me, I hope your geniuses will all get after me if I lie. "

CHAPTER THE SIXTY-THIRD. 

We were all dumb with astonishment, when "I take your story for granted, "said Trimalchio, "and if you'll believe me, my hair stood on end, andall the more, because I know that Niceros never talks nonsense: he'salways level-headed, not a bit gossipy. And now I'll tell you ahair-raiser myself, though I'm like a jackass on a slippery pavementcompared to him. When I was a long-haired boy, for I lived a Chian lifefrom my youth up, my master's minion died. He was a jewel, so hear meHercules, he was, perfect in every facet. While his sorrow-strickenmother was bewailing his loss, and the rest of us were lamenting withher, the witches suddenly commenced to screech so loud that you wouldhave thought a hare was being run down by the hounds! At that time, wehad a Cappadocian slave, tall, very bold, and he had muscle too; hecould hold a mad bull in the air! He wrapped a mantle around his leftarm, boldly rushed out of doors with drawn sword, and ran a womanthrough the middle about here, no harm to what I touch. We heard ascream, but as a matter of fact, for I won't lie to you, we didn't catchsight of the witches themselves. Our simpleton came back presently, andthrew himself upon the bed. His whole body was black and blue, as if hehad been flogged with whips, and of course the reason of that was shehad touched him with her evil hand! We shut the door and returned toour business, but when the mother put her arms around the body of herson, it turned out that it was only a straw bolster, no heart, no guts, nothing! Of course the witches had swooped down upon the lad and putthe straw changeling in his place! Believe me or not, suit yourselves, but I say that there are women that know too much, and night-hags, too, and they turn everything upside down! And as for the long-haired booby, he never got back his own natural color and he died, raving mad, a fewdays later. "

CHAPTER THE SIXTY-FOURTH. 

Though we wondered greatly, we believed none the less implicitly and, kissing the table, we besought the night-hags to attend to their ownaffairs while we were returning home from dinner. As far as I wasconcerned, the lamps already seemed to burn double and the wholedining-room was going round, when "See here, Plocamus, " Trimalchio spokeup, "haven't you anything to tell us? You haven't entertained us at all, have you? And you used to be fine company, always ready to oblige with arecitation or a song. The gods bless us, how the green figs havefallen!" "True for you, " the fellow answered, "since I've got the goutmy sporting days are over; but in the good old times when I was a youngspark, I nearly sang myself into a consumption. How I used to dance!And take my part in a farce, or hold up my end in the barber shops! Whocould hold a candle to me except, of course, the one and only Apelles?"He then put his hand to his mouth and hissed out some foul gibberish orother, and said afterwards that it was Greek. Trimalchio himself thenfavored us with an impersonation of a man blowing a trumpet, and when hehad finished, he looked around for his minion, whom he called Croesus, ablear-eyed slave whose teeth were very disagreeably discolored. He wasplaying with a little black bitch, disgustingly fat, wrapping her up in aleek-green scarf and teasing her with a half-loaf of bread which he hadput on the couch; and when from sheer nausea, she refused it, he crammedit down her throat. This sight put Trimalchio in mind of his own dog andhe ordered Scylax, "the guardian of his house and home, " to be broughtin. An enormous dog was immediately led in upon a chain and, obeying akick from the porter, it lay down beside the table. Thereupon Trimalchioremarked, as he threw it a piece of white bread, "No one in all my houseloves me better than Scylax. " Enraged at Trimalchio's praising Scylax sowarmly, the slave put the bitch down upon the floor and sicked her on tofight. Scylax, as might have been expected from such a dog, made thewhole room ring with his hideous barking and nearly shook the life out ofthe little bitch which the slave called Pearl. Nor did the uproar end ina dog fight, a candelabrum was upset upon the table, breaking the glassesand spattering some of the guests with hot oil. As Trimalchio did notwish to seem concerned at the loss, he kissed the boy and ordered him toclimb upon his own back. The slave did not hesitate but, mounting hisrocking-horse, he beat Trimalchio's shoulders with his open palms, yelling with laughter, "Buck! Buck! How many fingers do I hold up!"When Trimalchio had, in a measure, regained his composure, which took buta little while, he ordered that a huge vessel be filled with mixed wine, and that drinks be served to all the slaves sitting around our feet, adding as an afterthought, "If anyone refuses to drink, pour it on hishead: business is business, but now's the time for fun. "

CHAPTER THE SIXTY-FIFTH. 

The dainties that followed this display of affability were of such anature that, if any reliance is to be placed in my word, the very mentionof them makes me sick at the stomach. Instead of thrushes, fattenedchickens were served, one to each of us, and goose eggs with pastry capson them, which same Trimalchio earnestly entreated us to eat, informingus that the chickens had all been boned. Just at that instant, however, a lictor knocked at the dining-room door, and a reveler, clad in whitevestments, entered, followed by a large retinue. Startled at such pomp, I thought that the Praetor had arrived, so I put my bare feet upon thefloor and started to get up, but Agamemnon laughed at my anxiety andsaid, "Keep your seat, you idiot, it's only Habinnas the sevir; he's astone mason, and if report speaks true, he makes the finest tombstonesimaginable. " Reassured by this information, I lay back upon my couch andwatched Habinnas' entrance with great curiosity. Already drunk andwearing several wreaths, his forehead smeared with perfume which ran downinto his eyes, he advanced with his hands upon his wife's shoulders, and, seating himself in the Praetor's place, he called for wine and hot water. Delighted with his good humor, Trimalchio called for a larger goblet forhimself, and asked him, at the same time, how he had been entertained. "We had everything except yourself, for my heart and soul were here, butit was fine, it was, by Hercules. Scissa was giving a Novendial feastfor her slave, whom she freed on his death-bed, and it's my opinionshe'll have a large sum to split with the tax gatherers, for the dead manwas rated at 50, 000, but everything went off well, even if we did have topour half our wine on the bones of the late lamented. "

CHAPTER THE SIXTY-SIXTH. 

"But, " demanded Trimalchio, "what did you have for dinner'?" "I'll tellyou if I can, " answered he, "for my memory's so good that I often forgetmy own name. Let's see, for the first course, we had a hog, crowned witha wine cup and garnished with cheese cakes and chicken livers cooked welldone, beets, of course, and whole-wheat bread, which I'd rather havethan white, because it puts strength into you, and when I take a crapafterwards, I don't have to yell. Following this, came a course oftarts, served cold, with excellent Spanish wine poured over warm honey;I ate several of the tarts and got the honey all over myself. Then therewere chick-peas and lupines, all the smooth-shelled nuts you wanted, andan apple apiece, but I got away with two, and here they are, tied up inmy napkin; for I'll have a row on my hands if I don't bring some kind ofa present home to my favorite slave. Oh yes, my wife has just remindedme, there was a haunch of bear-meat as a side dish, Scintilla ate some ofit without knowing what it was, and she nearly puked up her guts when shefound out. But as for me, I ate more than a pound of it, for it tastedexactly like wild boar and, says I, if a bear eats a man, shouldn't thatbe all the more reason for a man to eat a bear? The last course was softcheese, new wine boiled thick, a snail apiece, a helping of tripe, liverpate, capped eggs, turnips and mustard. But that's enough. Pickledolives were handed around in a wooden bowl, and some of the partygreedily snatched three handfuls, we had ham, too, but we sent it back. "

CHAPTER THE SIXTY-SEVENTH. 

"But why isn't Fortunata at the table, Gaius? Tell me. " "What's that, "Trimalchio replied; "don't you know her better than that? She wouldn'ttouch even a drop of water till after the silver was put away and theleftovers divided among the slaves. " "I'm going to beat it if she don'ttake her place, " Habinnas threatened, and started to get up; and then, at a signal, the slaves all called out together "Fortunata, " four timesor more. 

She appeared, girded round with a sash of greenish yellow, below which acherry-colored tunic could be seen, and she had on twisted anklets andsandals worked in gold. Then, wiping her hands upon a handkerchief whichshe wore around her neck, she seated herself upon the couch, besideScintilla, Habinnas' wife, and clapping her hands and kissing her, "Mydear, " she gushed, "is it really you?" Fortunata then removed thebracelets from her pudgy arms and held them out to the admiringScintilla, and by and by she took off her anklets and even her yellowhair-net, which was twenty-four carats fine, she would have us know!Trimalchio, who was on the watch, ordered every trinket to be brought tohim. "You see these things, don't you?" he demanded; "they're whatwomen fetter us with. That's the way us poor suckers are done! Theseought to weigh six pounds and a half. I have an arm-band myself, thatdon't weigh a grain under ten pounds; I bought it out of Mercury'sthousandths, too. " Finally, for fear he would seem to be lying, heordered the scales to be brought in and carried around to prove theweights. And Scintilla was no better. She took off a small goldenvanity case which she wore around her neck, and which she called herLucky Box, and took from it two eardrops, which, in her turn, she handedto Fortunata to be inspected. "Thanks to the generosity of my husband, "she smirked, "no woman has better. " "What's that?" Habinnas demanded. "You kept on my trail to buy that glass bean for you; if I had adaughter, I'll be damned if I wouldn't cut off her little ears. We'dhave everything as cheap as dirt if there were no women, but we have topiss hot and drink cold, the way things are now. " The women, angrythough they were, were laughing together, in the meantime, and exchangingdrunken kisses, the one running on about her diligence as a housekeeper, and the other about the infidelities and neglect of her husband. Habinnas got up stealthily, while they were clinging together in thisfashion and, seizing Fortunata by the feet, he tipped her over backwardsupon the couch. "Let go!" she screeched, as her tunic slipped above herknees; then, after pulling down her clothing, she threw herself intoScintilla's lap, and hid, with her handkerchief, a face which was nonethe more beautiful for its blushes. 

CHAPTER THE SIXTY-EIGHTH. 

After a short interval, Trimalchio gave orders for the dessert to beserved, whereupon the slaves took away all the tables and brought inothers, and sprinkled the floor with sawdust mixed with saffron andvermilion, and also with powdered mica, a thing I had never seen donebefore. When all this was done Trimalchio remarked, "I could restcontent with this course, for you have your second tables, but, if you'vesomething especially nice, why bring it on. " Meanwhile an Alexandrianslave boy, who had been serving hot water, commenced to imitate anightingale, and when Trimalchio presently called out, "Change yourtune, " we had another surprise, for a slave, sitting at Habinnas' feet, egged on, I have no doubt, by his own master, bawled suddenly in asingsong voice, "Meanwhile AEneas and all of his fleet held his course onthe billowy deep"; never before had my ears been assailed by a sound sodiscordant, for in addition to his barbarous pronunciation, and theraising and lowering of his voice, he interpolated Atellane verses, and, for the first time in my life, Virgil grated on my nerves. When he hadto quit, finally, from sheer want of breath, "Did he ever have anytraining, " Habinnas exclaimed, "no, not he! I educated him by sendinghim among the grafters at the fair, so when it comes to taking off abarker or a mule driver, there's not his equal, and the rogue's clever, too, he's a shoemaker, or a cook, or a baker a regular jack of alltrades. But he has two faults, and if he didn't have them, he'd bebeyond all price: he snores and he's been circumcised. And that's thereason he never can keep his mouth shut and always has an eye open. Ipaid three hundred dinars for him. "

CHAPTER THE SIXTY-NINTH. 

"Yes, " Scintilla broke in, "and you've not mentioned all of hisaccomplishments either; he's a pimp too, and I'm going to see that he'sbranded, " she snapped. Trimalchio laughed. "There's where theCappadocian comes out, " he said; "never cheats himself out of anythingand I admire him for it, so help me Hercules, I do. No one can show adead man a good time. Don't be jealous, Scintilla; we're next to youwomen, too, believe me. As sure as you see me here safe and sound, Iused to play at thrust and parry with Mamma, my mistress, and finallyeven my master got suspicious and sent me back to a stewardship; but keepquiet, tongue, and I'll give you a cake. " Taking all this as praise, thewretched slave pulled a small earthen lamp from a fold in his garment, and impersonated a trumpeter for half an hour or more, while Habinnashummed with him, holding his finger pressed to his lips. Finally, theslave stepped out into the middle of the floor and waved his pipes inimitation of a flute-player; then, with a whip and a smock, he enactedthe part of a mule-driver. At last Habinnas called him over and kissedhim and said, as he poured a drink for him, "You get better all the time, Massa. I'm going to give you a pair of shoes. " Had not the dessert beenbrought in, we would never have gotten to the end of these stupidities. Thrushes made of pastry and stuffed with nuts and raisins, quinces withspines sticking out so that they looked like sea-urchins. All this wouldhave been endurable enough had it not been for the last dish that wasserved; so revolting was this, that we would rather have died ofstarvation than to have even touched it. We thought that a fat goose, flanked with fish and all kinds of birds, had been served, untilTrimalchio spoke up. "Everything you see here, my friends, " said he, "was made from the same stuff. " With my usual keen insight, I jumped tothe conclusion that I knew what that stuff was and, turning to Agamemnon, I said, "I shall be greatly surprised, if all those things are not madeout of excrement, or out of mud, at the very least: I saw a like artificepracticed at Rome during the Saturnalia. "

CHAPTER THE SEVENTIETH. 

I had not done speaking, when Trimalchio chimed in, "As I hope to growfatter in fortune but not in figure, my cook has made all this out of ahog! It would be simply impossible to meet up with a more valuablefellow: he'd make you a fish out of a sow's coynte, if that's what youwanted, a pigeon out of her lard, a turtle-dove out of her ham, and a henout of a knuckle of pork: that's why I named him Daedalus, in a happymoment. I brought him a present of knives, from Rome, because he's sosmart; they're made of Noric steel, too. " He ordered them brought inimmediately, and looked them over, with admiration, even giving us thechance to try their edges upon our cheeks. Then all of a sudden twoslaves came in, carrying on as if they had been fighting at the fountain, at least; each one had a water-jar hanging from a yoke around his neck. Trimalchio arbitrated their difference, but neither would abide by hisdecision, and each one smashed the other's jar with a club. Perturbed atthe insolence of these drunken ruffians, we watched both of themnarrowly, while they were fighting, and then, what should come pouringout of the broken jars but oysters and scallops, which a slave picked upand passed around in a dish. The resourceful cook would not permithimself to be outdone by such refinements, but served us with snails on asilver gridiron, and sang continually in a tremulous and very discordantvoice. I am ashamed to have to relate what followed, for, contrary toall convention, some long-haired boys brought in unguents in a silverbasin and anointed the feet of the reclining guests; but before doingthis, however, they bound our thighs and ankles with garlands of flowers. They then perfumed the wine-mixing vessel with the same unguent andpoured some of the melted liquid into the lamps. Fortunata had, by thistime, taken a notion that she wanted to dance, and Scintilla was doingmore hand-clapping than talking, when Trimalchio called out, "Philargyrus, and you too, Carrio, you can both come to the table;even if you are green faction fans, and tell your bedfellow, Menophila, to come too. " What would you think happened then? We were nearlycrowded off the couches by the mob of slaves that crowded into thedining-room and almost filled it full. As a matter of fact, I noticedthat our friend the cook, who had made a goose out of a hog, was placednext to me, and he stunk from sauces and pickle. Not satisfied with aplace at the table, he immediately staged an impersonation of Ephesus thetragedian, and then he suddenly offered to bet his master that the greenswould take first place in the next circus games. 

CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-FIRST. 

Trimalchio was hugely tickled at this challenge. "Slaves are men, myfriends, " he observed, "but that's not all, they sucked the same milkthat we did, even if hard luck has kept them down; and they'll drink thewater of freedom if I live: to make a long story short, I'm freeing allof them in my will. To Philargyrus, I'm leaving a farm, and hisbedfellow, too. Carrio will get a tenement house and his twentieth, and a bed and bedclothes to boot. I'm making Fortunata my heir and Icommend her to all my friends. I announce all this in public so that myhousehold will love me as well now as they will when I'm dead. " They allcommenced to pay tribute to the generosity of their master, when he, putting aside his trifling, ordered a copy of his will brought in, whichsame he read aloud from beginning to end, to the groaning accompanimentof the whole household. Then, looking at Habinnas, "What say you, mydearest friend, " he entreated; "you'll construct my monument in keepingwith the plans I've given you, won't you? I earnestly beg that you carvea little bitch at the feet of my statue, some wreaths and some jars ofperfume, and all of the fights of Petraites. Then I'll be able to liveeven after I'm dead, thanks to your kindness. See to it that it has afrontage of one hundred feet and a depth of two hundred. I want fruittrees of every kind planted around my ashes; and plenty of vines, too, for it's all wrong for a man to deck out his house when he's alive, andthen have no pains taken with the one he must stay in for a longer time, and that's the reason I particularly desire that this notice be added:

 --THIS MONUMENT DOES NOT-- --DESCEND TO AN HEIR--

"In any case, I'll see to it through a clause in my will, that I'm notinsulted when I'm dead. And for fear the rabble comes running up into mymonument, to crap, I'll appoint one of my freedmen custodian of my tomb. I want you to carve ships under full sail on my monument, and me, in myrobes of office, sitting on my tribunal, five gold rings on my fingers, pouring out coin from a sack for the people, for I gave a dinner and twodinars for each guest, as you know. Show a banquet-hall, too, if youcan, and the people in it having a good time. On my right, you can placea statue of Fortunata holding a dove and leading a little bitch on aleash, and my favorite boy, and large jars sealed with gypsum, so thewine won't run out; show one broken and a boy crying over it. Put asun-dial in the middle, so that whoever looks to see what time it is mustread my name whether he wants to or not. As for the inscription, thinkthis over carefully, and see if you think it's appropriate:

 HERE RESTS G POMPEIUS TRIMALCHIO FREEDMAN OF MAECENAS DECREED AUGUSTAL, SEVIR IN HIS ABSENCE HE COULD HAVE BEEN A MEMBER OF EVERY DECURIA OF ROME BUT WOULD NOT CONSCIENTIOUS BRAVE LOYAL HE GREW RICH FROM LITTLE AND LEFT THIRTY MILLION SESTERCES BEHIND HE NEVER HEARD A PHILOSOPHER FAREWELL TRIMALCHIO FAREWELL PASSERBY"

CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-SECOND. 

When he had repeated these words, Trimalchio began to weep copiously, Fortunata was crying already, and so was Habinnas, and at last, the wholehousehold filled the dining-room with their lamentations, just as if theywere taking part in a funeral. Even I was beginning to sniffle, whenTrimalchio said, "Let's live while we can, since we know we've all got todie. I'd rather see you all happy, anyhow, so let's take a plunge in thebath. You'll never regret it. I'll bet my life on that, it's as hot asa furnace!" "Fine business, " seconded Habinnas, "there's nothing suitsme better than making two days out of one, " and he got up in his barefeet to follow Trimalchio, who was clapping his hands. I looked atAscyltos. "What do you think about this?" I asked. "The very sight of abath will be the death of me. " "Let's fall in with his suggestion, " hereplied, "and while they are hunting for the bath we will escape in thecrowd. " Giton led us out through the porch, when we had reached thisunderstanding, and we came to a door, where a dog on a chain startled usso with his barking that Ascyltos immediately fell into the fish-pond. As for myself, I was tipsy and had been badly frightened by a dog thatwas only a painting, and when I tried to haul the swimmer out, I wasdragged into the pool myself. The porter finally came to our rescue, quieted the dog by his appearance, and pulled us, shivering, to dry land. Giton had ransomed himself by a very cunning scheme, for what we hadsaved for him, from dinner, he threw to the barking brute, which thencalmed its fury and became engrossed with the food. But when, withchattering teeth, we besought the porter to let us out at the door, "Ifyou think you can leave by the same door you came in at, " he replied, "you're mistaken: no guest is ever allowed to go out through the samedoor he came in at; some are for entrance, others for exit. "

CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-THIRD. 

What were we miserable wretches to do, shut up in this newfangledlabyrinth. The idea of taking a hot bath had commenced to grow in favor, so we finally asked the porter to lead us to the place and, throwing offour clothing, which Giton spread out in the hall to dry, we went in. It was very small, like a cold water cistern; Trimalchio was standingupright in it, and one could not escape his disgusting bragging evenhere. He declared that there was nothing nicer than bathing without amob around, and that a bakery had formerly occupied this very spot. Tired out at last, he sat down, but when the echoes of the place temptedhim, he lifted his drunken mouth to the ceiling, and commenced murderingthe songs of Menacrates, at least that is what we were told by those whounderstood his language. Some of the guests joined hands and ran aroundthe edge of the pool, making the place ring with their boisterous pealsof laughter; others tried to pick rings up from the floor, with theirhands tied behind them, or else, going down upon their knees, tried totouch the ends of their toes by bending backwards. We went down into thepool while the rest were taking part in such amusements. It was beingheated for Trimalchio. When the fumes of the wine had been dissipated, we were conducted into another dining-room where Fortunata had laid outher own treasures; I noticed, for instance, that there were little bronzefishermen upon the lamps, the tables were of solid silver, the cups wereporcelain inlaid with gold; before our eyes wine was being strainedthrough a straining cloth. "One of my slaves shaves his first beardtoday, " Trimalchio remarked, at length, "a promising, honest, thriftylad; may he have no bad luck, so let's get our skins full and stickaround till morning. "

CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-FOURTH. 

He had not ceased speaking when a cock crowed! Alarmed at this omen, Trimalchio ordered wine thrown under the table and told them to sprinklethe lamps with it; and he even went so far as to change his ring from hisleft hand to his right. "That trumpeter did not sound off without areason, " he remarked; "there's either a fire in the neighborhood, or elsesomeone's going to give up the ghost. I hope it's none of us! Whoeverbrings that Jonah in shall have a present. " He had no sooner made thispromise, than a cock was brought in from somewhere in the neighborhoodand Trimalchio ordered the cook to prepare it for the pot. That sameversatile genius who had but a short time before made birds and fish outof a hog, cut it up; it was then consigned to the kettle, and whileDaedalus was taking a long hot drink, Fortunata ground pepper in aboxwood mill. When these delicacies had been consumed, Trimalchio lookedthe slaves over. "You haven't had anything to eat yet, have you?" heasked. "Get out and let another relay come on duty. " Thereupon a secondrelay came in. "Farewell, Gaius, " cried those going off duty, and "Hail, Gaius, " cried those coming on. Our hilarity was somewhat dampened soonafter, for a boy, who was by no means bad looking, came in among thefresh slaves. Trimalchio seized him and kissed him lingeringly, whereupon Fortunata, asserting her rights in the house, began to rail atTrimalchio, styling him an abomination who set no limits to his lechery, finally ending by calling him a dog. Trimalchio flew into a rage at herabuse and threw a wine cup at her head, whereupon she screeched, as ifshe had had an eye knocked out and covered her face with her tremblinghands. Scintilla was frightened, too, and shielded the shuddering womanwith her garment. An officious slave presently held a cold water pitcherto her cheek and Fortunata bent over it, sobbing and moaning. But as forTrimalchio, "What the hell's next?" he gritted out, "this Syriandancing-whore don't remember anything! I took her off the auction blockand made her a woman among her equals, didn't I? And here she puffsherself up like a frog and pukes in her own nest; she's a blockhead, allright, not a woman. But that's the way it is, if you're born in an atticyou can't sleep in a palace I'll see that this booted Cassandra's tamed, so help me my Genius, I will! And I could have married ten million, evenif I did only have two cents: you know I'm not lying! 'Let me give you atip, ' said Agatho, the perfumer to the lady next door, when he pulled measide: 'don't let your line die out!' And here I've stuck the ax into myown leg because I was a damned fool and didn't want to seem fickle. I'llsee to it that you're more careful how you claw me up, sure as you'reborn, I will! That you may realize how seriously I take what you've doneto me--Habinnas, I don't want you to put her statue on my tomb for fearI'll be nagged even after I'm dead! And furthermore, that she may know Ican repay a bad turn, I won't have her kissing me when I'm laid out!"

CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-FIFTH. 

When Trimalchio had launched this thunderbolt, Habinnas commenced tobeg him to control his anger. "There's not one of us but goes wrongsometimes, " argued he; "we're not gods, we're men. " Scintilla also criedout through her tears, calling him "Gaius, " and entreating him by hisguardian angel to be mollified. Trimalchio could restrain the tears nolonger. "Habinnas, " he blubbered, "as you hope to enjoy your money, spitin my face if I've done anything wrong. I kissed him because he's verythrifty, not because he's a pretty boy. He can recite his division tableand read a book at sight: he bought himself a Thracian uniform from hissavings from his rations, and a stool and two dippers, with his ownmoney, too. He's worth my attention, ain't he? But Fortunata won't seeit! Ain't that the truth, you high-stepping hussy'? Let me beg you tomake the best of what you've got, you shekite, and don't make me show myteeth, my little darling, or you'll find out what my temper's like!Believe me, when once I've made up my mind, I'm as fixed as a spike in abeam! But let's think of the living. I hope you'll all make yourselvesat home, gentlemen: I was in your fix myself once; but rose to what I amnow by my own merit. It's the brains that makes the man, all the rest'sbunk. I buy well, I sell well, someone else will tell you a differentstory, but as for myself, I'm fairly busting with prosperity. What, grunting-sow, still bawling? I'll see to it that you've something tobawl for, but as I started to say, it was my thrift that brought me tomy fortune. I was just as tall as that candlestick when I came over fromAsia; every day I used to measure myself by it, and I would smear my lipswith oil so my beard would sprout all the sooner. I was my master's'mistress' for fourteen years, for there's nothing wrong in doing whatyour master orders, and I satisfied my mistress, too, during that time, you know what I mean, but I'll say no more, for I'm not one of yourbraggarts!"

CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-SIXTH. 

"At last it came about by the will of the gods that I was master in thehouse, and I had the real master under my thumb then. What is thereleft to tell? I was made co-heir with Caesar and came into a Senator'sfortune. But nobody's ever satisfied with what he's got, so I embarkedin business. I won't keep you long in suspense; I built five ships andloaded them with wine--worth its weight in gold, it was then--and sentthem to Rome. You'd think I'd ordered it so, for every last one of themfoundered; it's a fact, no fairy tale about it, and Neptune swallowedthirty million sesterces in one day! You don't think I lost my pep, doyou? By Hercules, no! That was only an appetizer for me, just as ifnothing at all had happened. I built other and bigger ships, betterfound, too, so no one could say I wasn't game. A big ship's a bigventure, you know. I loaded them up with wine again, bacon, beans, Capuan perfumes, and slaves: Fortunata did the right thing in thisaffair, too, for she sold every piece of jewelry and all her clothes intothe bargain, and put a hundred gold pieces in my hand. They were thenest-egg of my fortune. A thing's soon done when the gods will it;I cleared ten million sesterces by that voyage, all velvet, and boughtin all the estates that had belonged to my patron, right away. I builtmyself a house and bought cattle to resell, and whatever I touched grewjust like a honeycomb. I chucked the game when I got to have an incomegreater than all the revenues of my own country, retired from business, and commenced to back freedmen. I never liked business anyhow, as far asthat goes, and was just about ready to quit when an astrologer, a Greekfellow he was, and his name was Serapa, happened to light in our colony, and he slipped me some information and advised me to quit. He was hep toall the secrets of the gods: told me things about myself that I'dforgotten, and explained everything to me from needle and thread up; knewme inside out, he did, and only stopped short of telling me what I'd hadfor dinner the day before. You'd have thought he'd lived with mealways!"

CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-SEVENTH. 

"Habinnas, you were there, I think, I'll leave it to you; didn't he say--'You took your wife out of a whore-house'? you're as lucky in yourfriends, too, no one ever repays your favor with another, you own broadestates, you nourish a viper under your wing, and--why shouldn't I tellit--I still have thirty years, four months, and two days to live! I'llalso come into another bequest shortly. That's what my horoscope tellsme. If I can extend my boundaries so as to join Apulia, I'll think I'veamounted to something in this life! I built this house with Mercury onthe job, anyhow; it was a hovel, as you know, it's a palace now! Fourdining-rooms, twenty bed-rooms, two marble colonnades, a store-roomupstairs, a bed-room where I sleep myself, a sitting-room for this viper, a very good room for the porter, a guest-chamber for visitors. As amatter of fact, Scaurus, when he was here, would stay nowhere else, although he has a family place on the seashore. I'll show you many otherthings, too, in a jiffy; believe me, if you have an as, you'll be ratedat what you have. So your humble servant, who was a frog, is now a king. Stychus, bring out my funereal vestments while we wait, the ones I'll becarried out in, some perfume, too, and a draught of the wine in that jar, I mean the kind I intend to have my bones washed in. "

CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-EIGHTH. 

It was not long before Stychus brought a white shroud and apurple-bordered toga into the dining-room, and Trimalchio requested usto feel them and see if they were pure wool. Then, with a smile, "Takecare, Stychus, that the mice don't get at these things and gnaw them, orthe moths either. I'll burn you alive if they do. I want to be carriedout in all my glory so all the people will wish me well. " Then, openinga jar of nard, he had us all anointed. "I hope I'll enjoy this as wellwhen I'm dead, " he remarked, "as I do while I'm alive. " He then orderedwine to be poured into the punch-bowl. "Pretend, " said he, "that you'reinvited to my funeral feast. " The thing had grown positivelynauseating, when Trimalchio, beastly drunk by now, bethought himself ofa new and singular diversion and ordered some horn-blowers brought intothe dining-room. Then, propped up by many cushions, he stretchedhimself out upon the couch. "Let on that I'm dead, " said he, "and saysomething nice about me. " The horn-blowers sounded off a loud funeralmarch together, and one in particular, a slave belonging to anundertaker, made such a fanfare that he roused the whole neighborhood, and the watch, which was patrolling the vicinity, thinking Trimalchio'shouse was afire, suddenly smashed in the door and rushed in with theirwater and axes, as is their right, raising a rumpus all their own. Weavailed ourselves of this happy circumstance and, leaving Agamemnon inthe lurch, we took to our heels, as though we were running away from areal conflagration. 

ETEXT EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS:

Affairs start to go wrong, your friends will stand from underDoctor's not good for anything except for a consolationEverybody's business is nobody's businessHe can teach you more than he knows himselfLearning's a fine thing, and a trade won't starveMen are lions at home and foxes abroadNo one can show a dead man a good timeThe loser's always the winner in argumentsToo many doctors did away with himWe know that you're only a fool with a lot of learningWhenever you learn a thing, it's yoursBelieves, on the spot, every taleYou can spot a louse on someone else