THE ROSE AND THE RING

by William Makepeace Thackeray

PRELUDE

It happened that the undersigned spent the last Christmas season in aforeign city where there were many English children. 

In that city, if you wanted to give a child's party, you could not evenget a magic-lantern or buy Twelfth-Night characters--those funny paintedpictures of the King, the Queen, the Lover, the Lady, the Dandy, theCaptain, and so on--with which our young ones are wont to recreatethemselves at this festive time. 

My friend Miss Bunch, who was governess of a large family that lived inthe Piano Nobile of the house inhabited by myself and my young charges(it was the Palazzo Poniatowski at Rome, and Messrs. Spillmann, twoof the best pastrycooks in Christendom, have their shop on the groundfloor): Miss Bunch, I say, begged me to draw a set of Twelfth-Nightcharacters for the amusement of our young people. 

She is a lady of great fancy and droll imagination, and having lookedat the characters, she and I composed a history about them, whichwas recited to the little folks at night, and served as our FIRESIDEPANTOMIME. 

Our juvenile audience was amused by the adventures of Giglio and Bulbo, Rosalba and Angelica. I am bound to say the fate of the Hall Portercreated a considerable sensation; and the wrath of Countess Gruffanuffwas received with extreme pleasure. 

If these children are pleased, thought I, why should not others beamused also? In a few days Dr. Birch's young friends will be expectedto reassemble at Rodwell Regis, where they will learn everything thatis useful, and under the eyes of careful ushers continue the business oftheir little lives. 

But, in the meanwhile, and for a brief holiday, let us laugh and be aspleasant as we can. And you elder folk--a little joking, and dancing, and fooling will do even you no harm. The author wishes you a merryChristmas, and welcomes you to the Fireside Pantomime. 

W. M. THACKERAY. December 1854. 

CONTENTS

I. SHOWS HOW THE ROYAL FAMILY SATE DOWN TO BREAKFAST

II. HOW KING VALOROSO GOT THE CROWN, AND PRINCE GIGLIO WENT WITHOUT

III. TELLS WHO THE FAIRY BLACKSTICK WAS, AND WHO WERE EVER SO MANY GRANDPERSONAGES BESIDES

IV. HOW BLACKSTICK WAS NOT ASKED TO THE PRINCESS ANGELICA'S CHRISTENING

V. HOW PRINCESS ANGELICA TOOK A LITTLE MAID

VI. HOW PRINCE GIGLIO BEHAVED HIMSELF

VII. HOW GIGLIO AND ANGELICA HAD A QUARREL

VIII. HOW GRUFFANUFF PICKED THE FAIRY RING UP, AND PRINCE BULBO CAME TOCOURT

IX. HOW BETSINDA GOT THE WARMING-PAN

X. HOW KING VALOROSO WAS IN A DREADFUL PASSION

XI. WHAT GRUFFANUFF DID TO GIGLIO AND BETSINDA

XII. HOW BETSINDA FLED, AND WHAT BECAME OF HER

XIII. HOW QUEEN ROSALBA CAME TO THE CASTLE OF THE BOLD COUNT HOGGINARMO

XIV. WHAT BECAME OF GIGLIO

XV. WE RETURN TO ROSALBA

XVI. HOW HEDZOFF RODE BACK AGAIN TO KING GIGLIO

XVII. HOW A TREMENDOUS BATTLE TOOK PLACE, AND WHO WON IT

XVIII. HOW THEY ALL JOURNEYED BACK TO THE CAPITAL

XIX. AND NOW WE COME TO THE LAST SCENE IN THE PANTOMIME

THE ROSE AND THE RING

I. SHOWS HOW THE ROYAL FAMILY SATE DOWN TO BREAKFAST

This is Valoroso XXIV. , King of Paflagonia, seated with his Queen andonly child at their royal breakfast-table, and receiving the letterwhich announces to His Majesty a proposed visit from Prince Bulbo, heirof Padella, reigning King of Crim Tartary. Remark the delight upon themonarch's royal features. He is so absorbed in the perusal of the Kingof Crim Tartary's letter, that he allows his eggs to get cold, andleaves his august muffins untasted. 

'What! that wicked, brave, delightful Prince Bulbo!' cries PrincessAngelica; 'so handsome, so accomplished, so witty--the conqueror ofRimbombamento, where he slew ten thousand giants!'

'Who told you of him, my dear?' asks His Majesty. 

'A little bird, ' says Angelica. 

'Poor Giglio!' says mamma, pouring out the tea. 

'Bother Giglio!' cries Angelica, tossing up her head, which rustled witha thousand curl-papers. 

'I wish, ' growls the King--'I wish Giglio was. . . '

'Was better? Yes, dear, he is better, ' says the Queen. 'Angelica'slittle maid, Betsinda, told me so when she came to my room this morningwith my early tea. '

'You are always drinking tea, ' said the monarch, with a scowl. 

'It is better than drinking port or brandy and water;' replies HerMajesty. 

'Well, well, my dear, I only said you were fond of drinking tea, ' saidthe King of Paflagonia, with an effort as if to command his temper. 'Angelica! I hope you have plenty of new dresses; your milliners' billsare long enough. My dear Queen, you must see and have some parties. Iprefer dinners, but of course you will be for balls. Your everlastingblue velvet quite tires me: and, my love, I should like you to have anew necklace. Order one. Not more than a hundred or a hundred and fiftythousand pounds. '

'And Giglio, dear?' says the Queen. 

'GIGLIO MAY GO TO THE--'

'Oh, sir, ' screams Her Majesty. 'Your own nephew! our late King's onlyson. '

'Giglio may go to the tailor's, and order the bills to be sent in toGlumboso to pay. Confound him! I mean bless his dear heart. He need wantfor nothing; give him a couple of guineas for pocket-money, my dear;and you may as well order yourself bracelets while you are about thenecklace, Mrs. V. '

Her Majesty, or MRS. V. , as the monarch facetiously called her (foreven royalty will have its sport, and this august family were verymuch attached), embraced her husband, and, twining her arm round herdaughter's waist, they quitted the breakfast-room in order to make allthings ready for the princely stranger. 

When they were gone, the smile that had lighted up the eyes of theHUSBAND and FATHER fled--the pride of the KING fled--the MAN was alone. Had I the pen of a G. P. R. James, I would describe Valoroso's tormentsin the choicest language; in which I would also depict his flashingeye, his distended nostril--his dressing-gown, pocket-handkerchief, andboots. But I need not say I have NOT the pen of that novelist; sufficeit to say, Valoroso was alone. 

He rushed to the cupboard, seizing from the table one of the manyegg-cups with which his princely board was served for the matin meal, drew out a bottle of right Nantz or Cognac, filled and emptied the cupseveral times, and laid it down with a hoarse 'Ha, ha, ha! now Valorosois a man again!'

'But oh!' he went on (still sipping, I am sorry to say), 'ere I was aking, I needed not this intoxicating draught; once I detested the hotbrandy wine, and quaffed no other fount but nature's rill. It dashes notmore quickly o'er the rocks than I did, as, with blunderbuss in hand, I brushed away the early morning dew, and shot the partridge, snipe, orantlered deer! Ah! well may England's dramatist remark, "Uneasy liesthe head that wears a crown!" Why did I steal my nephew's, my youngGiglio's--? Steal! said I? no, no, no, not steal, not steal. Let mewithdraw that odious expression. I took, and on my manly head I set, theroyal crown of Paflagonia; I took, and with my royal arm I wield, thesceptral rod of Paflagonia; I took, and in my outstretched hand I hold, the royal orb of Paflagonia! Could a poor boy, a snivelling, drivellingboy--was in his nurse's arms but yesterday, and cried for sugarplums andpuled for pap--bear up the awful weight of crown, orb, sceptre? girdon the sword my royal fathers wore, and meet in fight the tough Crimeanfoe?'

And then the monarch went on to argue in his own mind (though we neednot say that blank verse is not argument) that what he had got it washis duty to keep, and that, if at one time he had entertained ideas of acertain restitution, which shall be nameless, the prospect by a CERTAINMARRIAGE of uniting two crowns and two nations which had been engagedin bloody and expensive wars, as the Paflagonians and the Crimeans hadbeen, put the idea of Giglio's restoration to the throne out of thequestion: nay, were his own brother, King Savio, alive, he wouldcertainly will the crown from his own son in order to bring about such adesirable union. 

Thus easily do we deceive ourselves! Thus do we fancy what we wish isright! The King took courage, read the papers, finished his muffinsand eggs, and rang the bell for his Prime Minister. The Queen, afterthinking whether she should go up and see Giglio, who had been sick, thought 'Not now. Business first; pleasure afterwards. I will go and seedear Giglio this afternoon; and now I will drive to the jeweller's, tolook for the necklace and bracelets. ' The Princess went up into her ownroom, and made Betsinda, her maid, bring out all her dresses; and as forGiglio, they forgot him as much as I forget what I had for dinner lastTuesday twelve-month. 

II. HOW KING VALOROSO GOT THE CROWN, AND PRINCE GIGLIO WENT WITHOUT

Paflagonia, ten or twenty thousand years ago, appears to have been oneof those kingdoms where the laws of succession were not settled; forwhen King Savio died, leaving his brother Regent of the kingdom, andguardian of Savio's orphan infant, this unfaithful regent took no sortof regard of the late monarch's will; had himself proclaimed sovereignof Paflagonia under the title of King Valoroso XXIV. , had a mostsplendid coronation, and ordered all the nobles of the kingdom to payhim homage. So long as Valoroso gave them plenty of balls at Court, plenty of money and lucrative places, the Paflagonian nobility did notcare who was king; and as for the people, in those early times, theywere equally indifferent. The Prince Giglio, by reason of his tenderage at his royal father's death, did not feel the loss of his crown andempire. As long as he had plenty of toys and sweetmeats, a holidayfive times a week and a horse and gun to go out shooting when he grewa little older, and, above all, the company of his darling cousin, theKing's only child, poor Giglio was perfectly contented; nor did heenvy his uncle the royal robes and sceptre, the great hot uncomfortablethrone of state, and the enormous cumbersome crown in which that monarchappeared from morning till night. King Valoroso's portrait has beenleft to us; and I think you will agree with me that he must have beensometimes RATHER TIRED of his velvet, and his diamonds, and his ermine, and his grandeur. I shouldn't like to sit in that stifling robe withsuch a thing as that on my head. 

No doubt, the Queen must have been lovely in her youth; for thoughshe grew rather stout in after life, yet her features, as shown in herportrait, are certainly PLEASING. If she was fond of flattery, scandal, cards, and fine clothes, let us deal gently with her infirmities, which, after all, may be no greater than our own. She was kind to her nephew;and if she had any scruples of conscience about her husband's taking theyoung Prince's crown, consoled herself by thinking that the King, thougha usurper, was a most respectable man, and that at his death PrinceGiglio would be restored to his throne, and share it with his cousin, whom he loved so fondly. 

The Prime Minister was Glumboso, an old statesman, who most cheerfullyswore fidelity to King Valoroso, and in whose hands the monarch leftall the affairs of his kingdom. All Valoroso wanted was plenty ofmoney, plenty of hunting, plenty of flattery, and as little trouble aspossible. As long as he had his sport, this monarch cared little howhis people paid for it: he engaged in some wars, and of coursethe Paflagonian newspapers announced that he had gained prodigiousvictories: he had statues erected to himself in every city of theempire; and of course his pictures placed everywhere, and in all theprint-shops: he was Valoroso the Magnanimous, Valoroso the Victorious, Valoroso the Great, and so forth;--for even in these early timescourtiers and people knew how to flatter. 

This royal pair had one only child, the Princess Angelica, who, you maybe sure, was a paragon in the courtiers' eyes, in her parents', and inher own. It was said she had the longest hair, the largest eyes, theslimmest waist, the smallest foot, and the most lovely complexion ofany young lady in the Paflagonian dominions. Her accomplishments wereannounced to be even superior to her beauty; and governesses used toshame their idle pupils by telling them what Princess Angelica could do. She could play the most difficult pieces of music at sight. She couldanswer any one of Mangnall's Questions. She knew every date in thehistory of Paflagonia, and every other country. She knew French, English, Italian, German, Spanish, Hebrew, Greek, Latin, Cappadocian, Samothracian, Aegean, and Crim Tartar. In a word, she was a mostaccomplished young creature; and her governess and lady-in-waiting wasthe severe Countess Gruffanuff. 

Would you not fancy, from this picture, that Gruffanuff must have been aperson of highest birth? She looks so haughty that I should have thoughther a princess at the very least, with a pedigree reaching as far backas the Deluge. But this lady was no better born than many other ladieswho give themselves airs; and all sensible people laughed at her absurdpretensions. The fact is, she had been maid-servant to the Queen whenHer Majesty was only Princess, and her husband had been head footman;but after his death or DISAPPEARANCE, of which you shall hear presently, this Mrs. Gruffanuff, by flattering, toadying, and wheedling her royalmistress, became a favourite with the Queen (who was rather a weakwoman), and Her Majesty gave her a title, and made her nursery governessto the Princess. 

And now I must tell you about the Princess's learning andaccomplishments, for which she had such a wonderful character. CleverAngelica certainly was, but as IDLE as POSSIBLE. Play at sight, indeed!she could play one or two pieces, and pretend that she had never seenthem before; she could answer half a dozen Mangnall's Questions; butthen you must take care to ask the RIGHT ones. As for her languages, she had masters in plenty, but I doubt whether she knew more than a fewphrases in each, for all her presence; and as for her embroidery and herdrawing, she showed beautiful specimens, it is true, but WHO DID THEM?

This obliges me to tell the truth, and to do so I must go back ever sofar, and tell you about the FAIRY BLACKSTICK. 

III. TELLS WHO THE FAIRY BLACKSTICK WAS, AND WHO WERE EVER SO MANY GRANDPERSONAGES BESIDES

Between the kingdoms of Paflagonia and Crim Tartary, there lived amysterious personage, who was known in those countries as the FairyBlackstick, from the ebony wand or crutch which she carried; on whichshe rode to the moon sometimes, or upon other excursions of business orpleasure, and with which she performed her wonders. 

When she was young, and had been first taught the art of conjuringby the necromancer, her father, she was always practicing her skill, whizzing about from one kingdom to another upon her black stick, andconferring her fairy favours upon this Prince or that. She had scores ofroyal godchildren; turned numberless wicked people into beasts, birds, millstones, clocks, pumps, boot jacks, umbrellas, or other absurdshapes; and, in a word, was one of the most active and officious of thewhole College of fairies. 

But after two or three thousand years of this sport, I supposeBlackstick grew tired of it. Or perhaps she thought, 'What good am Idoing by sending this Princess to sleep for a hundred years? by fixing ablack pudding on to that booby's nose? by causing diamonds and pearls todrop from one little girl's mouth, and vipers and toads from another's?I begin to think I do as much harm as good by my performances. I mightas well shut my incantations up, and allow things to take their naturalcourse. 

'There were my two young goddaughters, King Savio's wife, and DukePadella's wife, I gave them each a present, which was to render themcharming in the eyes of their husbands, and secure the affection ofthose gentlemen as long as they lived. What good did my Rose and my Ringdo these two women? None on earth. From having all their whims indulgedby their husbands, they became capricious, lazy, ill-humoured, absurdlyvain, and leered and languished, and fancied themselves irresistiblybeautiful, when they were really quite old and hideous, the ridiculouscreatures! They used actually to patronise me when I went to pay thema visit--ME, the Fairy Blackstick, who knows all the wisdom of thenecromancers, and could have turned them into baboons, and all theirdiamonds into strings of onions, by a single wave of my rod!' Soshe locked up her books in her cupboard, declined further magicalperformances, and scarcely used her wand at all except as a cane to walkabout with. 

So when Duke Padella's lady had a little son (the Duke was at thattime only one of the principal noblemen in Crim Tartary), Blackstick, although invited to the christening, would not so much as attend; butmerely sent her compliments and a silver papboat for the baby, which wasreally not worth a couple of guineas. About the same time the Queenof Paflagonia presented His Majesty with a son and heir; and gunswere fired, the capital illuminated, and no end of feasts ordained tocelebrate the young Prince's birth. It was thought the fairy, who wasasked to be his godmother, would at least have presented him with aninvisible jacket, a flying horse, a Fortunatus's purse, or some othervaluable token of her favour; but instead, Blackstick went up tothe cradle of the child Giglio, when everybody was admiring him andcomplimenting his royal papa and mamma, and said, 'My poor child, thebest thing I can send you is a little MISFORTUNE'; and this was allshe would utter, to the disgust of Giglio's parents, who died very soonafter, when Giglio's uncle took the throne, as we read in Chapter I. 

In like manner, when CAVOLFIORE, King of Crim Tartary, had a christeningof his only child, ROSALBA, the Fairy Blackstick, who had been invited, was not more gracious than in Prince Giglio's case. Whilst everybody wasexpatiating over the beauty of the darling child, and congratulatingits parents, the Fairy Blackstick looked very sadly at the baby and itsmother, and said, 'My good woman (for the Fairy was very familiar, andno more minded a Queen than a washerwoman)--my good woman, these peoplewho are following you will be the first to turn against you; and as forthis little lady, the best thing I can wish her is a LITTLE MISFORTUNE. 'So she touched Rosalba with her black wand, looked severely at thecourtiers, motioned the Queen an adieu with her hand, and sailed slowlyup into the air out of the window. 

When she was gone, the Court people, who had been awed and silent in herpresence, began to speak. 'What an odious Fairy she is (they said)--apretty Fairy, indeed! Why, she went to the King of Paflagonia'schristening, and pretended to do all sorts of things for that family;and what has happened--the Prince, her godson, has been turned off histhrone by his uncle. Would we allow our sweet Princess to be deprived ofher rights by any enemy? Never, never, never, never!'

And they all shouted in a chorus, 'Never, never, never, never!'

Now, I should like to know, and how did these fine courtiers showtheir fidelity? One of King Cavolfiore's vassals, the Duke Padellajust mentioned, rebelled against the King, who went out to chastisehis rebellious subject. 'Any one rebel against our beloved and augustMonarch!' cried the courtiers; 'any one resist HIM? Pooh! He isinvincible, irresistible. He will bring home Padella a prisoner, and tiehim to a donkey's tail, and drive him round the town, saying, "This isthe way the Great Cavolfiore treats rebels. "'

The King went forth to vanquish Padella; and the poor Queen, who was avery timid, anxious creature, grew so frightened and ill that I am sorryto say she died; leaving injunctions with her ladies to take care ofthe dear little Rosalba. --Of course they said they would. Of course theyvowed they would die rather than any harm should happen to the Princess. At first the Crim Tartar Court Journal stated that the King wasobtaining great victories over the audacious rebel: then it wasannounced that the troops of the infamous Padella were in flight: thenit was said that the royal army would soon come up with the enemy, andthen--then the news came that King Cavolfiore was vanquished and slainby His Majesty, King Padella the First!

At this news, half the courtiers ran off to pay their duty to theconquering chief, and the other half ran away, laying hands on all thebest articles in the palace; and poor little Rosalba was left therequite alone--quite alone; and she toddled from one room to another, crying, 'Countess! Duchess!' (Only she said 'Tountess, Duttess, ' notbeing able to speak plain) 'bring me my mutton sop; my Royal Highnesshungy! Tountess! Duttess!' And she went from the private apartments intothe throne-room and nobody was there;--and thence into the ballroomand nobody was there;--and thence into the pages' room and nobody wasthere;--and she toddled down the great staircase into the hall andnobody was there;--and the door was open, and she went into the court, and into the garden, and thence into the wilderness, and thence into theforest where the wild beasts live, and was never heard of any more!

A piece of her torn mantle and one of her shoes were found in the woodin the mouths of two lionesses' cubs whom KING PADELLA and a royalhunting party shot--for he was King now, and reigned over Crim Tartary. 'So the poor little Princess is done for, ' said he; 'well, what's donecan't be helped. Gentlemen, let us go to luncheon!' And one of thecourtiers took up the shoe and put it in his pocket. And there was anend of Rosalba!

IV. HOW BLACKSTICK WAS NOT ASKED TO THE PRINCESS ANGELICA'S CHRISTENING

When the Princess Angelica was born, her parents not only did not askthe Fairy Blackstick to the christening party, but gave orders to theirporter absolutely to refuse her if she called. This porter's namewas Gruffanuff, and he had been selected for the post by their RoyalHighnesses because he was a very tall fierce man, who could say 'Notat home' to a tradesman or an unwelcome visitor with a rudeness whichfrightened most such persons away. He was the husband of that Countesswhose picture we have just seen, and as long as they were together theyquarrelled from morning till night. Now this fellow tried his rudenessonce too often, as you shall hear. For the Fairy Blackstick coming tocall upon the Prince and Princess, who were actually sitting at the opendrawing-room window, Gruffanuff not only denied them, but made the mostODIOUS VULGAR SIGN as he was going to slam the door in the Fairy's face!'Git away, hold Blackstick!' said he. 'I tell you, Master and Missisain't at home to you;' and he was, as we have said, GOING to slam thedoor. 

But the Fairy, with her wand, prevented the door being shut; andGruffanuff came out again in a fury, swearing in the most abominableway, and asking the Fairy 'whether she thought he was a going to stay atthat there door hall day?'

'You ARE going to stay at that door all day and all night, and for manya long year, ' the Fairy said, very majestically; and Gruffanuff, comingout of the door, straddling before it with his great calves, burst outlaughing, and cried, 'Ha, ha, ha! this is a good un! Ha--ah--what'sthis? Let me down--O--o--H'm!' and then he was dumb!

For, as the Fairy waved her wand over him, he felt himself rising offthe ground, and fluttering up against the door, and then, as if a screwran into his stomach, he felt a dreadful pain there, and was pinned tothe door; and then his arms flew up over his head; and his legs, afterwrithing about wildly, twisted under his body; and he felt cold, cold, growing over him, as if he was turning into metal; and he said, 'O--o--H'm!' and could say no more, because he was dumb. 

He WAS turned into metal! He was, from being BRAZEN, BRASS! He wasneither more nor less than a knocker! And there he was, nailed to thedoor in the blazing summer day, till he burned almost red-hot; and therehe was, nailed to the door all the bitter winter nights, till his brassnose was dropping with icicles. And the postman came and rapped at him, and the vulgarest boy with a letter came and hit him up against thedoor. And the King and Queen (Princess and Prince they were then) cominghome from a walk that evening, the King said, 'Hullo, my dear! you havehad a new knocker put on the door. Why, it's rather like our porter inthe face! What has become of that boozy vagabond?' And the house-maidcame and scrubbed his nose with sandpaper; and once, when the PrincessAngelica's little sister was born, he was tied up in an old kid glove;and, another night, some LARKING young men tried to wrench him off, andput him to the most excruciating agony with a turn screw. And thenthe Queen had a fancy to have the colour of the door altered; and thepainters dabbed him over the mouth and eyes, and nearly choked him, asthey painted him pea-green. I warrant he had leisure to repent of havingbeen rude to the Fairy Blackstick!

As for his wife, she did not miss him; and as he was always guzzlingbeer at the public-house, and notoriously quarrelling with his wife, andin debt to the tradesmen, it was supposed he had run away from all theseevils, and emigrated to Australia or America. And when the Prince andPrincess chose to become King and Queen, they left their old house, andnobody thought of the porter any more. 

V. HOW PRINCESS ANGELICA TOOK A LITTLE MAID

One day, when the Princess Angelica was quite a little girl, shewas walking in the garden of the palace, with Mrs. Gruffanuff, thegoverness, holding a parasol over her head, to keep her sweet complexionfrom the freckles, and Angelica was carrying a bun, to feed the swansand ducks in the royal pond. 

They had not reached the duck-pond, when there came toddling up to themsuch a funny little girl! She had a great quantity of hair blowing abouther chubby little cheeks, and looked as if she had not been washed orcombed for ever so long. She wore a ragged bit of a cloak, and had onlyone shoe on. 

'You little wretch, who let you in here?' asked Mrs. Gruffanuff. 

'Div me dat bun, ' said the little girl, 'me vely hungy. '

'Hungry! what is that?' asked Princess Angelica, and gave the child thebun. 

'Oh, Princess!' says Mrs. Gruffanuff, 'how good, how kind, how trulyangelical you are! See, Your Majesties, ' she said to the King and Queen, who now came up, along with their nephew, Prince Giglio, 'how kind thePrincess is! She met this little dirty wretch in the garden--I can'ttell how she came in here, or why the guards did not shoot her dead atthe gate!--and the dear darling of a Princess has given her the whole ofher bun!'

'I didn't want it, ' said Angelical

'But you are a darling little angel all the same, ' says the governess. 

'Yes; I know I am, ' said Angelical 'Dirty little girl, don't you thinkI am very pretty?' Indeed, she had on the finest of little dresses andhats; and, as her hair was carefully curled, she really looked verywell. 

'Oh, pooty, pooty!' says the little girl, capering about, laughing, anddancing, and munching her bun; and as she ate it she began to sing, 'Oh, what fun to have a plum bun! how I wis it never was done!' At which, and her funny accent, Angelica, Giglio, and the King and Queen began tolaugh very merrily. 

'I can dance as well as sing, ' says the little girl. 'I can dance, and Ican sing, and I can do all sorts of ting. ' And she ran to a flower-bed, and pulling a few polyanthuses, rhododendrons, and other flowers, madeherself a little wreath, and danced before the King and Queen so drollyand prettily, that everybody was delighted. 

'Who was your mother--who were your relations, little girl?' said theQueen. 

The little girl said, 'Little lion was my brudder; great big lioness mymudder; neber heard of any udder. ' And she capered away on her one shoe, and everybody was exceedingly diverted. 

So Angelica said to the Queen, 'Mamma, my parrot flew away yesterday outof its cage, and I don't care any more for any of my toys; and I thinkthis funny little dirty child will amuse me. I will take her home, andgive her some of my old frocks. '

'Oh, the generous darling!' says Mrs. Gruffanuff. 

'Which I have worn ever so many times, and am quite tired of, ' Angelicawent on; 'and she shall be my little maid. Will you come home with me, little dirty girl?'

The child clapped her hands, and said, 'Go home with you--yes! You pootyPrincess!--Have a nice dinner, and wear a new dress!'

And they all laughed again, and took home the child to the palace, where, when she was washed and combed, and had one of the Princess'sfrocks given to her, she looked as handsome as Angelica, almost. Notthat Angelica ever thought so; for this little lady never imaginedthat anybody in the world could be as pretty, as good, or as clever asherself. In order that the little girl should not become too proud andconceited, Mrs. Gruffanuff took her old ragged mantle and one shoe, andput them into a glass box, with a card laid upon them, upon which waswritten, 'These were the old clothes in which little BETSINDA was foundwhen the great goodness and admirable kindness of Her Royal Highness thePrincess Angelica received this little outcast. ' And the date was added, and the box locked up. 

For a while little Betsinda was a great favourite with the Princess, andshe danced, and sang, and made her little rhymes, to amuse her mistress. But then the Princess got a monkey, and afterwards a little dog, andafterwards a doll, and did not care for Betsinda any more, who becamevery melancholy and quiet, and sang no more funny songs, because nobodycared to hear her. And then, as she grew older, she was made a littlelady's-maid to the Princess; and though she had no wages, she workedand mended, and put Angelica's hair in papers, and was never cross whenscolded, and was always eager to please her mistress, and was alwaysup early and to bed late, and at hand when wanted, and in fact becamea perfect little maid. So the two girls grew up, and, when the Princesscame out, Betsinda was never tired of waiting on her; and made herdresses better than the best milliner, and was useful in a hundred ways. Whilst the Princess was having her masters, Betsinda would sit and watchthem; and in this way she picked up a great deal of learn ing; for shewas always awake, though her mistress was not, and listened to the wiseprofessors when Angelica was yawning or thinking of the next ball. Andwhen the dancing-master came, Betsinda learned along with Angelica;and when the music-master came, she watched him, and practiced thePrincess's pieces when Angelica was away at balls and parties; and whenthe drawing-master came, she took note of all he said and did; and thesame with French, Italian, and all other languages--she learned themfrom the teacher who came to Angelica. When the Princess was going outof an evening she would say, 'My good Betsinda, you may as well finishwhat I have begun. ' 'Yes, miss, ' Betsinda would say, and sit down verycheerful, not to FINISH what Angelica began, but to DO it. 

For instance, the Princess would begin a head of a warrior, let us say, and when it was begun it was something like this--

But when it was done, the warrior was like this--

(only handsomer still if possible), and the Princess put her name to thedrawing; and the Court and King and Queen, and above all poor Giglio, admired the picture of all things, and said, 'Was there ever a geniuslike Angelica?' So, I am sorry to say, was it with the Princess'sembroidery and other accomplishments; and Angelica actually believedthat she did these things herself, and received all the flattery ofthe Court as if every word of it was true. Thus she began to think thatthere was no young woman in all the world equal to herself, and that noyoung man was good enough for her. As for Betsinda, as she heard none ofthese praises, she was not puffed up by them, and being a most grateful, good-natured girl, she was only too anxious to do everything which mightgive her mistress pleasure. Now you begin to perceive that Angelicahad faults of her own, and was by no means such a wonder of wonders aspeople represented Her Royal Highness to be. 

VI. HOW PRINCE GIGLIO BEHAVED HIMSELF

And now let us speak about Prince Giglio, the nephew of the reigningmonarch of Paflagonia. It has already been stated, in page seven, thatas long as he had a smart coat to wear, a good horse to ride, and moneyin his pocket, or rather to take out of his pocket, for he was verygood-natured, my young Prince did not care for the loss of his crown andsceptre, being a thoughtless youth, not much inclined to politics or anykind of learning. So his tutor had a sinecure. Giglio would notlearn classics or mathematics, and the Lord Chancellor of Paflagonia, SQUARETOSO, pulled a very long face because the Prince could not be gotto study the Paflagonian laws and constitution; but, on the other hand, the King's gamekeepers and huntsmen found the Prince an apt pupil;the dancing-master pronounced that he was a most elegant and assiduousscholar; the First Lord of the Billiard Table gave the most flatteringreports of the Prince's skill; so did the Groom of the Tennis Court;and as for the Captain of the Guard and Fencing Master, the VALIANT andVETERAN Count KUTASOFF HEDZOFF, he avowed that since he ran the Generalof Crim Tartary, the dreadful Grumbuskin, through the body, he never hadencountered so expert a swordsman as Prince Giglio. 

I hope you do not imagine that there was any impropriety in the Princeand Princess walking together in the palace garden, and because Gigliokissed Angelica's hand in a polite manner. In the first place they arecousins; next, the Queen is walking in the garden too (you cannot seeher, for she happens to be behind that tree), and Her Majesty alwayswished that Angelica and Giglio should marry: so did Giglio: so didAngelica sometimes, for she thought her cousin very handsome, brave, and good-natured: but then you know she was so clever and knew so manythings, and poor Giglio knew nothing, and had no conversation. When theylooked at the stars, what did Giglio know of the heavenly bodies? Once, when on a sweet night in a balcony where they were standing, Angelicasaid, 'There is the Bear. ' 'Where?' says Giglio. 'Don't be afraid, Angelica! if a dozen bears come, I will kill them rather than they shallhurt you. ' 'Oh, you silly creature!' says she; 'you are very good, butyou are not very wise. ' When they looked at the flowers, Giglio wasutterly unacquainted with botany, and had never heard of Linnaeus. When the butterflies passed, Giglio knew nothing about them, being asignorant of entomology as I am of algebra. So you see, Angelica, thoughshe liked Giglio pretty well, despised him on account of his ignorance. I think she probably valued HER OWN LEARNING rather too much; but tothink too well of one's self is the fault of people of all ages and bothsexes. Finally, when nobody else was there, Angelica liked her cousinwell enough. 

King Valoroso was very delicate in health, and withal so fond of gooddinners (which were prepared for him by his French cook Marmitonio), that it was supposed he could not live long. Now the idea of anythinghappening to the King struck the artful Prime Minister and the designingold lady-in-waiting with terror. For, thought Glumboso and the Countess, 'when Prince Giglio marries his cousin and comes to the throne, what apretty position we shall be in, whom he dislikes, and who have alwaysbeen unkind to him. We shall lose our places in a trice; Mrs. Gruffanuffwill have to give up all the jewels, laces, snuff-boxes, rings, andwatches which belonged to the Queen, Giglio's mother; and Glumboso willbe forced to refund two hundred and seventeen thousand millions ninehundred and eighty-seven thousand four hundred and thirty-nine pounds, thirteen shillings, and sixpence halfpenny, money left to Prince Giglioby his poor dear father. '

So the Lady of Honour and the Prime Minister hated Giglio because theyhad done him a wrong; and these unprincipled people invented a hundredcruel stories about poor Giglio, in order to influence the King, Queen, and Princess against him; how he was so ignorant that he could not spellthe commonest words, and actually wrote Valoroso Valloroso, and speltAngelica with two l's; how he drank a great deal too much wine atdinner, and was always idling in the stables with the grooms; how heowed ever so much money at the pastry-cook's and the haberdasher's; howhe used to go to sleep at church; how he was fond of playing cards withthe pages. So did the Queen like playing cards; so did the King goto sleep at church, and eat and drink too much; and, if Giglio oweda trifle for tarts, who owed him two hundred and seventeen thousandmillions nine hundred and eighty-seven thousand four hundred andthirty-nine pounds, thirteen shillings, and sixpence halfpenny, I shouldlike to know? Detractors and tale-bearers (in my humble opinion) hadmuch better look at HOME. All this backbiting and slandering had effectupon Princess Angelica, who began to look coldly on her cousin, then tolaugh at him and scorn him for being so stupid, then to sneer at him forhaving vulgar associates; and at Court balls, dinners, and so forth, to treat him so unkindly that poor Giglio became quite ill, took to hisbed, and sent for the doctor. 

His Majesty King Valoroso, as we have seen, had his own reasons fordisliking his nephew; and as for those innocent readers who ask why?--Ibeg (with the permission of their dear parents) to refer them toShakespeare's pages, where they will read why King John disliked PrinceArthur. With the Queen, his royal but weak-minded aunt, when Giglio wasout of sight he was out of mind. While she had her whist and her eveningparties, she cared for little else. 

I dare say TWO VILLAINS, who shall be nameless, wished Doctor Pildrafto, the Court Physician, had killed Giglio right out, but he only bledand physicked him so severely that the Prince was kept to his room forseveral months, and grew as thin as a post. 

Whilst he was lying sick in this way, there came to the Court ofPaflagonia a famous painter, whose name was Tomaso Lorenzo, and who wasPainter in Ordinary to the King of Crim Tartary, Paflagonia's neighbour. Tomaso Lorenzo painted all the Court, who were delighted with his works;for even Countess Gruffanuff looked young and Glumboso good-humouredin his pictures. 'He flatters very much, ' some people said. 'Nay!' saysPrincess Angelica, 'I am above flattery, and I think he did not make mypicture handsome enough. I can't bear to hear a man of genius unjustlycried down, and I hope my dear papa will make Lorenzo a knight of hisOrder of the Cucumber. '

The Princess Angelica, although the courtiers vowed Her Royal Highnesscould draw so BEAUTIFULLY that the idea of her taking lessons wasabsurd, yet chose to have Lorenzo for a teacher, and it was wonderful, AS LONG AS SHE PAINTED IN HIS STUDIO, what beautiful pictures she made!Some of the performances were engraved for the Book of Beauty: otherswere sold for enormous sums at Charity Bazaars. She wrote theSIGNATURES under the drawings, no doubt, but I think I know who-didthe pictures--this artful painter, who had come with other designs onAngelica than merely to teach her to draw. 

One day, Lorenzo showed the Princess a portrait of a young man inarmour, with fair hair and the loveliest blue eyes, and an expression atonce melancholy and interesting. 

'Dear Signor Lorenzo, who is this?' asked the Princess. 

'I never saw anyone so handsome, ' says Countess Gruffanuff (the oldhumbug). 

'That, ' said the painter, 'that, Madam, is the portrait of my augustyoung master, his Royal Highness Bulbo, Crown Prince of Crim Tartary, Duke of Acroceraunia, Marquis of Poluphloisboio, and Knight Grand Crossof the Order of the Pumpkin. That is the order of the Pumpkin glitteringon his manly breast, and received by His Royal Highness from his augustfather, His Majesty King PADELLA I. , for his gallantry at the battleof Rimbombamento, when he slew with his own princely hand the Kingof Ograria and two hundred and eleven giants of the two hundred andeighteen who formed the King's bodyguard. The remainder were destroyedby the brave Crim Tartar army after an obstinate combat, in which theCrim Tartars suffered severely. '

What a Prince! thought Angelica: so brave--so calm-looking--soyoung--what a hero!

'He is as accomplished as he is brave, ' continued the Court Painter. 'He knows all languages perfectly: sings deliciously: plays everyinstrument: composes operas which have been acted a thousand nightsrunning at the Imperial Theatre of Crim Tartary, and danced in a balletthere before the King and Queen; in which he looked so beautiful, thathis cousin, the lovely daughter of the King of Circassia, died for loveof him. '

'Why did he not marry the poor Princess?' asked Angelica, with a sigh. 

'Because they were FIRST COUSINS, Madam, and the clergy forbid theseunions, ' said the Painter. 'And, besides, the young Prince had given hisroyal heart ELSEWHERE. '

'And to whom?' asked Her Royal Highness. 

'I am not at liberty to mention the Princess's name, ' answered thePainter. 

'But you may tell me the first letter of it, ' gasped out the Princess. 

'That Your Royal Highness is at liberty to guess, ' said Lorenzo. 

'Does it begin with a Z?' asked Angelica. 

The Painter said it wasn't a Z; then she tried a Y; then an X; then a W, and went so backwards through almost the whole alphabet. 

When she came to D, and it wasn't D, she grew very excited; when shecame to C, and it wasn't C, she was still more nervous; when she cameto B, AND IT WASN'T B, 'O dearest Gruffanuff, ' she said, 'lend me yoursmelling-bottle!' and, hiding her head in the Countess's shoulder, shefaintly whispered, 'Ah, Signor, can it be A?'

'It was A; and though I may not, by my Royal Master's orders, tell YourRoyal Highness the Princess's name, whom he fondly, madly, devotedly, rapturously loves, I may show you her portrait, ' says this slyboots:and leading the Princess up to a gilt frame, he drew a curtain which wasbefore it. 

O goodness! the frame contained A LOOKING-GLASS! and Angelica saw herown face!

VII. HOW GIGLIO AND ANGELICA HAD A QUARREL

The Court Painter of His Majesty the King of Crim Tartary returned tothat monarch's dominions, carrying away a number of sketches which hehad made in the Paflagonian capital (you know, of course, my dears, thatthe name of that capital is Blombodinga); but the most charming of allhis pieces was a portrait of the Princess Angelica, which all the CrimTartar nobles came to see. With this work the King was so delighted, that he decorated the Painter with his Order of the Pumpkin (sixthclass) and the artist became Sir Tomaso Lorenzo, K. P. , thenceforth. 

King Valoroso also sent Sir Tomaso his Order of the Cucumber, besides ahandsome order for money, for he painted the King, Queen, and principalnobility while at Blombodinga, and became all the fashion, to theperfect rage of all the artists in Paflagonia, where the King used topoint to the portrait of Prince Bulbo, which Sir Tomaso had left behindhim, and say 'Which among you can paint a picture like that?'

It hung in the royal parlour over the royal sideboard, and PrincessAngelica could always look at it as she sat making the tea. Each day itseemed to grow handsomer and handsomer, and the Princess grew so fondof looking at it, that she would often spill the tea over the cloth, atwhich her father and mother would wink and wag their heads, and say toeach other, 'Aha! we see how things are going. '

In the meantime poor Giglio lay upstairs very sick in his chamber, though he took all the doctor's horrible medicines like a good younglad; as I hope YOU do, my dears, when you are ill and mamma sends forthe medical man. And the only person who visited Giglio (besides hisfriend the captain of the guard, who was almost always busy or onparade), was little Betsinda the housemaid, who used to do his bedroomand sitting-room out, bring him his gruel, and warm his bed. 

When the little housemaid came to him in the morning and evening, PrinceGiglio used to say, 'Betsinda, Betsinda, how is the Princess Angelica?'

And Betsinda used to answer, 'The Princess is very well, thank you, myLord. ' And Giglio would heave a sigh, and think, if Angelica were sick, I am sure _I_ should not be very well. 

Then Giglio would say, 'Betsinda, has the Princess Angelica asked forme today?' And Betsinda would answer, 'No, my Lord, not today'; or, 'shewas very busy practicing the piano when I saw her'; or, 'she was writinginvitations for an evening party, and did not speak to me'; or make someexcuse or other, not strictly consonant with truth: for Betsinda wassuch a good-natured creature that she strove to do everything to preventannoyance to Prince Giglio, and even brought him up roast chicken andjellies from the kitchen (when the Doctor allowed them, and Giglio wasgetting better), saying, 'that the Princess had made the jelly, or thebread-sauce, with her own hands, on purpose for Giglio. '

When Giglio heard this he took heart and began to mend immediately;and gobbled up all the jelly, and picked the last bone of thechicken--drumsticks, merry-thought, sides'-bones, back, pope's nose, and all--thanking his dear Angelica; and he felt so much better the nextday, that he dressed and went downstairs, where, whom should he meetbut Angelica going into the drawing-room? All the covers were off thechairs, the chandeliers taken out of the bags, the damask curtainsuncovered, the work and things carried away, and the handsomest albumson the tables. Angelica had her hair in papers: in a word, it wasevident there was going to be a party. 

'Heavens, Giglio!' cries Angelica: 'YOU here in such a dress! What afigure you are!'

'Yes, dear Angelica, I am come downstairs, and feel so well today, thanks to the FOWL and the JELLY. '

'What do I know about fowls and jellies, that you allude to them in thatrude way?' says Angelica. 

'Why, didn't--didn't you send them, Angelica dear?' says Giglio. 

'I send them indeed! Angelica dear! No, Giglio dear, ' says she, mockinghim, '_I_ was engaged in getting the rooms ready for His Royal Highnessthe Prince of Crim Tartary, who is coming to pay my papa's Court avisit. '

'The--Prince--of--Crim--Tartary!' Giglio said, aghast. 

'Yes, the Prince of Crim Tartary, ' says Angelica, mocking him. 'I daresay you never heard of such a country. What DID you ever hear of? Youdon't know whether Crim Tartary is on the Red Sea or on the Black Sea, Idare say. '

'Yes, I do, it's on the Red Sea, ' says Giglio, at which the Princessburst out laughing at him, and said, 'Oh, you ninny! You are soignorant, you are really not fit for society! You know nothing but abouthorses and dogs, and are only fit to dine in a mess-room with my Royalfather's heaviest dragoons. Don't look so surprised at me, sir: goand put your best clothes on to receive the Prince, and let me get thedrawing-room ready. '

Giglio said, 'Oh, Angelica, Angelica, I didn't think this of you. THISwasn't your language to me when you gave me this ring, and I gave youmine in the garden, and you gave me that k--'

But what k was we never shall know, for Angelica, in a rage, cried, 'Get out, you saucy, rude creature! How dare you to remind me of yourrudeness? As for your little trumpery twopenny ring, there, sir, there!'And she flung it out of the window. 

'It was my mother's marriage-ring, ' cried Giglio. 

'_I_ don't care whose marriage-ring it was, ' cries Angelica. 'Marry theperson who picks it up if she's a woman; you shan't marry ME. And giveme back MY ring. I've no patience with people who boast about the thingsthey give away! _I_ know who'll give me much finer things than you evergave me. A beggarly ring indeed, not worth five shillings!'

Now Angelica little knew that the ring which Giglio had given her was afairy ring: if a man wore it, it made all the women in love with him;if a woman, all the gentlemen. The Queen, Giglio's mother, quite anordinary-looking person, was admired immensely whilst she wore thisring, and her husband was frantic when she was ill. But when she calledher little Giglio to her, and put the ring on his finger, King Savio didnot seem to care for his wife so much any more, but transferred all hislove to little Giglio. So did everybody love him as long as he had thering; but when, as quite a child, he gave it to Angelica, people beganto love and admire HER; and Giglio, as the saying is, played only secondfiddle. 

'Yes, ' says Angelica, going on in her foolish ungrateful way. '_I_know who'll give me much finer things than your beggarly little pearlnonsense. '

'Very good, miss! You may take back your ring too!' says Giglio, hiseyes flashing fire at her, and then, as his eyes had been suddenlyopened, he cried out, 'Ha! what does this mean? Is THIS the woman I havebeen in love with all my life? Have I been such a ninny as to throw awaymy regard upon you? Why--actually--yes--you are a little crooked!'

'Oh, you wretch!' cries Angelica. 

'And, upon my conscience, you--you squint a little. '

'Eh!' cries Angelica. 

'And your hair is red--and you are marked with the smallpox--and what?you have three false teeth--and one leg shorter than the other!'

'You brute, you brute, you!' Angelica screamed out: and as she seizedthe ring with one hand, she dealt Giglio one, two, three smacks on theface, and would have pulled the hair off his head had he not startedlaughing, and crying--

'Oh dear me, Angelica, don't pull out MY hair, it hurts! You mightremove a great deal of YOUR OWN, as I perceive, without scissors orpulling at all. Oh, ho, ho! ha, ha, ha! ho he he!'

And he nearly choked himself with laughing, and she with rage; when, with a low bow, and dressed in his Court habit, Count Gambabella, the first lord-in-waiting, entered and said, 'Royal Highnesses! TheirMajesties expect you in the Pink Throne-room, where they await thearrival of the Prince of CRIM TARTARY. '

VIII. HOW GRUFFANUFF PICKED THE FAIRY RING UP, AND PRINCE BULBO CAME TOCOURT

Prince Bulbo's arrival had set all the court in a flutter: everybody wasordered to put his or her best clothes on: the footmen had their galaliveries; the Lord Chancellor his new wig; the Guards their lastnew tunics; and Countess Gruffanuff, you may be sure, was glad of anopportunity of decorating HER old person with her finest things. She waswalking through the court of the Palace on her way to wait upon TheirMajesties, when she espied something glittering on the pavement, andbade the boy in buttons who was holding up her train, to go and pick upthe article shining yonder. He was an ugly little wretch, in some of thelate groom-porter's old clothes cut down, and much too tight for him;and yet, when he had taken up the ring (as it turned out to be), and wascarrying it to his mistress, she thought he looked like a little cupid. He gave the ring to her; it was a trumpery little thing enough, but toosmall for any of her old knuckles, so she put it into her pocket. 

'Oh, mum!' says the boy, looking at her 'how--how beyoutiful you dolook, mum, today, mum!'

'And you, too, Jacky, ' she was going to say; but, looking downat him--no, he was no longer good-looking at all--but only thecarroty-haired little Jacky of the morning. However, praise is welcomefrom the ugliest of men or boys, and Gruffanuff, bidding the boy holdup her train, walked on in high good-humour. The guards saluted herwith peculiar respect. Captain Hedzoff, in the anteroom, said, 'Mydear madam, you look like an angel today. ' And so, bowing and smirking, Gruffanuff went in and took her place behind her Royal Master andMistress, who were in the throne-room, awaiting the Prince of CrimTartary. Princess Angelica sat at their feet, and behind the King'schair stood Prince Giglio, looking very savage. 

The Prince of Crim Tartary made his appearance, attended by BaronSleibootz, his chamberlain, and followed by a black page carrying themost beautiful crown you ever saw! He was dressed in his travellingcostume, and his hair, as you see, was a little in disorder. 'I haveridden three hundred miles since breakfast, ' said he, 'so eager was I tobehold the Prin--the Court and august family of Paflagonia, and I couldnot wait one minute before appearing in Your Majesties' presences. '

Giglio, from behind the throne, burst out into a roar of contemptuouslaughter; but all the Royal party, in fact, were so flurried, that theydid not hear this little outbreak. 'Your R. H. Is welcome in any dress, 'says the King. 'Glumboso, a chair for His Royal Highness. '

'Any dress His Royal Highness wears IS a Court dress, ' says PrincessAngelica, smiling graciously. 

'Ah! but you should see my other clothes, ' said the Prince. 'I shouldhave had them on, but that stupid carrier has not brought them. Who'sthat laughing?'

It was Giglio laughing. 'I was laughing, ' he said, 'because you saidjust now that you were in such a hurry to see the Princess, that youcould not wait to change your dress; and now you say you come in thoseclothes because you have no others. '

'And who are you?' says Prince Bulbo, very fiercely. 

'My father was King of this country, and I am his only son, Prince!'replies Giglio, with equal haughtiness. 

'Ha!' said the King and Glumboso, looking very flurried; but the former, collecting himself, said, 'Dear Prince Bulbo, I forgot to introduce toYour Royal Highness my dear nephew, His Royal Highness Prince Giglio!Know each other! Embrace each other! Giglio, give His Royal Highnessyour hand!' and Giglio, giving his hand, squeezed poor Bulbo's until thetears ran out of his eyes. Glumboso now brought a chair for the Royalvisitor, and placed it on the platform on which the King, Queen, andPrince were seated; but the chair was on the edge of the platform, andas Bulbo sat down, it toppled over, and he with it, rolling over andover, and bellowing like a bull. Giglio roared still louder at thisdisaster, but it was with laughter; so did all the Court when PrinceBulbo got up; for though when he entered the room he appeared not veryridiculous, as he stood up from his fall for a moment he looked soexceedingly plain and foolish, that nobody could help laughing at him. When he had entered the room, he was observed to carry a rose in hishand, which fell out of it as he tumbled. 

'My rose! my rose!' cried Bulbo; and his chamberlain dashed forwards andpicked it up, and gave it to the Prince, who put it in his waistcoat. Then people wondered why they had laughed; there was nothingparticularly ridiculous in him. He was rather short, rather stout, rather red-haired, but, in fine, for a Prince, not so bad. 

So they sat and talked, the Royal personages together, the CrimTartar officers with those of Paflagonia--Giglio very comfortable withGruffanuff behind the throne. He looked at her with such tender eyes, that her heart was all in a flutter. 'Oh, dear Prince, ' she said, 'howcould you speak so haughtily in presence of Their Majesties? I protest Ithought I should have fainted. '

'I should have caught you in my arms, ' said Giglio, looking raptures. 

'Why were you so cruel to Prince Bulbo, dear Prince?' says Gruff. 

'Because I hate him, ' says Gil. 

'You are jealous of him, and still love poor Angelica, ' criesGruffanuff, putting her handkerchief to her eyes. 

'I did, but I love her no more!' Giglio cried. 'I despise her! Were sheheiress to twenty thousand thrones, I would despise her and scorn her. But why speak of thrones? I have lost mine. I am too weak to recoverit--I am alone, and have no friend. '

'Oh, say not so, dear Prince!' says Gruffanuff. 

'Besides, ' says he, 'I am so happy here BEHIND THE THRONE that I wouldnot change my place, no, not for the throne of the world!'

'What are you two people chattering about there?' says the Queen, whowas rather good-natured, though not overburthened with wisdom. 'It istime to dress for dinner. Giglio, show Prince Bulbo to his room. Prince, if your clothes have not come, we shall be very happy to see you as youare. ' But when Prince Bulbo got to his bedroom, his luggage was thereand unpacked; and the hairdresser coming in, cut and curled him entirelyto his own satisfaction; and when the dinner-bell rang, the Royalcompany had not to wait above five-and-twenty minutes until Bulboappeared, during which time the King, who could not bear to wait, grewas sulky as possible. As for Giglio, he never left Madam Gruffanuff allthis time, but stood with her in the embrasure of a window, paying hercompliments. At length the Groom of the Chambers announced His RoyalHighness the Prince of Crim Tartary! and the noble company went into theroyal dining-room. It was quite a small party; only the King and Queen, the Princess, whom Bulbo took out, the two Princes, Countess Gruffanuff, Glumboso the Prime Minister, and Prince Bulbo's chamberlain. You may besure they had a very good dinner--let every boy or girl think of what heor she likes best, and fancy it on the table. *

 *Here a very pretty game may be played by all the children saying what they like best for dinner. 

The Princess talked incessantly all dinner-time to the Prince of Crimea, who ate an immense deal too much, and never took his eyes off his plate, except when Giglio, who was carving a goose, sent a quantity of stuffingand onion sauce into one of them. Giglio only burst out a-laughingas the Crimean Prince wiped his shirt-front and face with his scentedpocket-handkerchief. He did not make Prince Bulbo any apology. When thePrince looked at him, Giglio would not look that way. When Prince Bulbosaid, 'Prince Giglio, may I have the honour of taking a glass of winewith you?' Giglio WOULDN'T answer. All his talk and his eyes were forCountess Gruffanuff, who you may be sure was pleased with Giglio'sattentions--the vain old creature! When he was not complimenting her, he was making fun of Prince Bulbo, so loud that Gruffanuff was alwaystapping him with her fan, and saying--'Oh, you satirical Prince! Oh, fie, the Prince will hear!' 'Well, I don't mind, ' says Giglio, louderstill. The King and Queen luckily did not hear; for Her Majesty was alittle deaf, and the King thought so much about his own dinner, and, besides, made such a dreadful noise, hobgobbling in eating it, thathe heard nothing else. After dinner, His Majesty and the Queen went tosleep in their arm-chairs. 

This was the time when Giglio began his tricks with Prince Bulbo, plyingthat young gentleman with port, sherry, madeira, champagne, marsala, cherry-brandy, and pale ale, of all of which Master Bulbo drank withoutstint. But in plying his guest, Giglio was obliged to drink himself, and, I am sorry to say, took more than was good for him, so that theyoung men were very noisy, rude, and foolish when they joined the ladiesafter dinner; and dearly did they pay for that imprudence, as now, mydarlings, you shall hear!

Bulbo went and sat by the piano, where Angelica was playing and singing, and he sang out of tune, and he upset the coffee when the footmanbrought it, and he laughed out of place, and talked absurdly, and fellasleep and snored horridly. Booh, the nasty pig! But as he lay therestretched on the pink satin sofa, Angelica still persisted in thinkinghim the most beautiful of human beings. No doubt the magic rose whichBulbo wore caused this infatuation on Angelica's part; but is she thefirst young woman who has thought a silly fellow charming?

Giglio must go and sit by Gruffanuff, whose old face he, too, every moment began to find more lovely. He paid the most outrageouscompliments to her:--There never was such a darling--Older than hewas?--Fiddle-de-dee! He would marry her--he would have nothing but her!

To marry the heir to the throne! Here was a chance! The artful hussyactually got a sheet of paper, and wrote upon it, 'This is to givenotice that I, Giglio, only son of Savio, King of Paflagonia, herebypromise to marry the charming and virtuous Barbara Griselda, CountessGruffanuff, and widow of the late Jenkins Gruffanuff, Esq. '

'What is it you are writing, you charming Gruffy?' says Giglio, who waslolling on the sofa, by the writing-table. 

'Only an order for you to sign, dear Prince, for giving coals andblankets to the poor, this cold weather. Look! the King and Queen areboth asleep, and your Royal Highness's order will do. '

So Giglio, who was very good-natured, as Gruffy well knew, signed theorder immediately; and, when she had it in her pocket, you may fancywhat airs she gave herself. She was ready to flounce out of the roombefore the Queen herself, as now she was the wife of the RIGHTFUL Kingof Paflagonia! She would not speak to Glumboso, whom she thought abrute, for depriving her DEAR HUSBAND of the crown! And when candlescame, and she had helped to undress the Queen and Princess, she wentinto her own room, and actually practiced on a sheet of paper, 'GriseldaPaflagonia, ' 'Barbara Regina, ' 'Griselda Barbara, Paf. Reg. , ' and Idon't know what signatures besides, against the day when she should beQueen, forsooth!

IX. HOW BETSINDA GOT THE WARMING PAN

Little Betsinda came in to put Gruffanuff's hair in papers; and theCountess was so pleased, that, for a wonder, she complimented Betsinda. 'Betsinda!' she said, 'you dressed my hair very nicely today; I promisedyou a little present. Here are five sh--no, here is a pretty littlering, that I picked--that I have had some time. ' And she gave Betsindathe ring she had picked up in the court. It fitted Betsinda exactly. 

'It's like the ring the Princess used to wear, ' says the maid. 

'No such thing, ' says Gruffanuff, 'I have had it this ever so long. There, tuck me up quite comfortable; and now, as it's a very cold night(the snow was beating in at the window), you may go and warm dear PrinceGiglio's bed, like a good girl, and then you may unrip my green silk, and then you can just do me up a little cap for the morning, and thenyou can mend that hole in my silk stocking, and then you can go tobed, Betsinda. Mind I shall want my cup of tea at five o'clock in themorning. '

'I suppose I had best warm both the young gentlemen's beds, Ma'am, ' saysBetsinda. 

Gruffanuff, for reply, said, 'Hau-au-ho!--Grauhawhoo!--Hong-hrho!' Infact, she was snoring sound asleep. 

Her room, you know, is next to the King and Queen, and the Princess isnext to them. So pretty Betsinda went away for the coals to the kitchen, and filled the royal warming-pan. 

Now, she was a very kind, merry, civil, pretty girl; but there musthave been something very captivating about her this evening, for allthe women in the servants' hall began to scold and abuse her. Thehousekeeper said she was a pert, stuck-up thing: the upper-housemaidasked, how dare she wear such ringlets and ribbons, it was quiteimproper! The cook (for there was a woman-cook as well as a man-cook)said to the kitchen-maid that she never could see anything in thatcreetur: but as for the men, every one of them, Coachman, John, Buttons, the page, and Monsieur, the Prince of Crim Tartary's valet, started up, and said--

 'My eyes!' } 'O mussey!' } 'What a pretty girl Betsinda is!' 'O jemmany!' } 'O ciel!' }

'Hands off; none of your impertinence, you vulgar, low people!' saysBetsinda, walking off with her pan of coals. She heard the younggentlemen playing at billiards as she went upstairs: first to PrinceGiglio's bed, which she warmed, and then to Prince Bulbo's room. 

He came in just as she had done; and as soon as he saw her, 'O! O! O!O! O! O! what a beyou--oo--ootiful creature you are! You angel--youperi--you rosebud, let me be thy bulbul--thy Bulbo, too! Fly to thedesert, fly with me! I never saw a young gazelle to glad me with itsdark blue eye that had eyes like shine. Thou nymph of beauty, take, takethis young heart. A truer never did itself sustain within a soldier'swaistcoat. Be mine! Be mine! Be Princess of Crim Tartary! My Royalfather will approve our union; and, as for that little carroty-hairedAngelica, I do not care a fig for her any more. '

'Go away, Your Royal Highness, and go to bed, please, ' said Betsinda, with the warming-pan. 

But Bulbo said, 'No, never, till thou swearest to be mine, thou lovely, blushing chambermaid divine! Here, at thy feet, the Royal Bulbo lies, the trembling captive of Betsinda's eyes. '

And he went on, making himself SO ABSURD AND RIDICULOUS, that Betsinda, who was full of fun, gave him a touch with the warming-pan, which, Ipromise you, made him cry 'O-o-o-o!' in a very different manner. 

Prince Bulbo made such a noise that Prince Giglio, who heard him fromthe next room, came in to see what was the matter. As soon as he sawwhat was taking place, Giglio, in a fury, rushed on Bulbo, kicked himin the rudest manner up to the ceiling, and went on kicking him till hishair was quite out of curl. 

Poor Betsinda did not know whether to laugh or to cry; the kickingcertainly must hurt the Prince, but then he looked so droll! When Gigliohad done knocking him up and down to the ground, and whilst he went intoa corner rubbing himself, what do you think Giglio does? He goes down onhis own knees to Betsinda, takes her hand, begs her to accept his heart, and offers to marry her that moment. Fancy Betsinda's condition, who hadbeen in love with the Prince ever since she first saw him in the palacegarden, when she was quite a little child. 

'Oh, divine Betsinda!' says the Prince, 'how have I lived fifteen yearsin thy company without seeing thy perfections? What woman in allEurope, Asia, Africa, and America, nay, in Australia, only it is notyet discovered, can presume to be thy equal? Angelica? Pish! Gruffanuff?Phoo! The Queen? Ha, ha! Thou art my Queen. Thou art the real Angelica, because thou art really angelic. '

'Oh, Prince! I am but a poor chambermaid, ' says Betsinda, looking, however, very much pleased. 

'Didst thou not tend me in my sickness, when all forsook me?' continuesGiglio. 'Did not thy gentle hand smooth my pillow, and bring me jellyand roast chicken?'

'Yes, dear Prince, I did, ' says Betsinda, 'and I sewed Your RoyalHighness's shirt-buttons on too, if you please, Your Royal Highness, 'cries this artless maiden. 

When poor Prince Bulbo, who was now madly in love with Betsinda, heardthis declaration, when he saw the unmistakable glances which she flungupon Giglio, Bulbo began to cry bitterly, and tore quantities of hairout of his head, till it all covered the room like so much tow. 

Betsinda had left the warming-pan on the floor while the princes weregoing on with their conversation, and as they began now to quarrel andbe very fierce with one another, she thought proper to run away. 

'You great big blubbering booby, tearing your hair in the corner there;of course you will give me satisfaction for insulting Betsinda. YOU dareto kneel down at Princess Giglio's knees and kiss her hand!'

'She's not Princess Giglio!' roars out Bulbo. 'She shall be PrincessBulbo, no other shall be Princess Bulbo. '

'You are engaged to my cousin!' bellows out Giglio. 'I hate yourcousin, ' says Bulbo. 

'You shall give me satisfaction for insulting her!' cries Giglio in afury. 

'I'll have your life. '

'I'll run you through. '

'I'll cut your throat. '

'I'll blow your brains out. '

'I'll knock your head off. '

'I'll send a friend to you in the morning. '

'I'll send a bullet into you in the afternoon. '

'We'll meet again, ' says Giglio, shaking his fist in Bulbo's face; andseizing up the warming-pan, he kissed it, because, forsooth, Betsindahad carried it, and rushed downstairs. What should he see on the landingbut His Majesty talking to Betsinda, whom he called by all sorts of fondnames. His Majesty had heard a row in the building, so he stated, andsmelling something burning, had come out to see what the matter was. 

'It's the young gentlemen smoking, perhaps, sir, ' says Betsinda. 

'Charming chambermaid, ' says the King (like all the rest of them), 'never mind the young men! Turn thy eyes on a middle-aged autocrat, whohas been considered not ill-looking in his time. '

'Oh, sir! what will Her Majesty say?' cries Betsinda. 

'Her Majesty!' laughs the monarch. 'Her Majesty be hanged. Am I notAutocrat of Paflagonia? Have I not blocks, ropes, axes, hangmen--ha?Runs not a river by my palace wall? Have I not sacks to sew up wiveswithal? Say but the word, that thou wilt be mine own, --your mistressstraightway in a sack is sewn, and thou the sharer of my heart andthrone. '

When Giglio heard these atrocious sentiments, he forgot the respectusually paid to Royalty, lifted up the warming-pan, and knocked down theKing as flat as a pancake; after which, Master Giglio took to hisheels and ran away, and Betsinda went off screaming, and the Queen, Gruffanuff, and the Princess, all came out of their rooms. Fancy theirfeelings on beholding their husband, father, sovereign, in this posture!

X. HOW KING VALOROSO WAS IN A DREADFUL PASSION

As soon as the coals began to burn him, the King came to himselfand stood up. 'Ho! my captain of the guards!' His Majesty exclaimed, stamping his royal feet with rage. O piteous spectacle! the King's nosewas bent quite crooked by the blow of Prince Giglio! His Majesty groundhis teeth with rage. 'Hedzoff, ' he said, taking a death-warrant out ofhis dressing-gown pocket, 'Hedzoff, good Hedzoff, seize upon the Prince. Thou'lt find him in his chamber two pair up. But now he dared, withsacrilegious hand, to strike the sacred night-cap of a king--Hedzoff, and floor me with a warming-pan! Away, no more demur, the villain dies!See it be done, or else, --h'm--ha!--h'm! mind shine own eyes!' andfollowed by the ladies, and lifting up the tails of his dressing-gown, the King entered his own apartment. 

Captain Hedzoff was very much affected, having a sincere love forGiglio. 'Poor, poor Giglio!' he said, the tears rolling over his manlyface, and dripping down his moustachios; 'my noble young Prince, is itmy hand must lead thee to death?'

'Lead him to fiddlestick, Hedzoff, ' said a female voice. It wasGruffanuff, who had come out in her dressing-gown when she heard thenoise. 'The King said you were to hang the Prince. Well, hang thePrince. '

'I don't understand you, ' says Hedzoff, who was not a very clever man. 

'You Gaby! he didn't say WHICH Prince, ' says Gruffanuff. 

'No; he didn't say which, certainly, ' said Hedzoff. 

'Well then, take Bulbo, and hang HIM!'

When Captain Hedzoff heard this, he began to dance about for joy. 'Obedience is a soldier's honour, ' says he. 'Prince Bulbo's head will docapitally, ' and he went to arrest the Prince the very first thing nextmorning. 

He knocked at the door. 'Who's there?' says Bulbo. 'Captain Hedzoff?Step in, pray, my good Captain; I'm delighted to see you; I have beenexpecting you. '

'Have you?' says Hedzoff. 

'Sleibootz, my Chamberlain, will act for me, ' says the Prince. 

'I beg Your Royal Highness's pardon, but you will have to act foryourself, and it's a pity to wake Baron Sleibootz. '

The Prince Bulbo still seemed to take the matter very coolly. 'Ofcourse, Captain, ' says he, 'you are come about that affair with PrinceGiglio?'

'Precisely, ' says Hedzoff, 'that affair of Prince Giglio. '

'Is it to be pistols, or swords, Captain?' asks Bulbo. 'I'm a prettygood hand with both, and I'll do for Prince Giglio as sure as my name isMy Royal Highness Prince Bulbo. '

'There's some mistake, my Lord, ' says the Captain. 'The business is donewith AXES among us. '

'Axes? That's sharp work, ' says Bulbo. 'Call my Chamberlain, he'll be mysecond, and in ten minutes, I flatter myself, you'll see Master Giglio'shead off his impertinent shoulders. I'm hungry for his blood Hoooo, aw!'and he looked as savage as an ogre. 

'I beg your pardon, sir, but by this warrant I am to take you prisoner, and hand you over to--to the executioner. '

'Pooh, pooh, my good man!--Stop, I say, --ho!--hulloa!' was all thatthis luckless Prince was enabled to say, for Hedzoff's guards seizinghim, tied a handkerchief over his mouth and face, and carried him to theplace of execution. 

The King, who happened to be talking to Glumboso, saw him pass, andtook a pinch of snuff and said, 'So much for Giglio. Now let's go tobreakfast. '

The Captain of the Guard handed over his prisoner to the Sheriff, withthe fatal order, 'AT SIGHT CUT OFF THE BEARER'S HEAD. 'VALOROSO XXIV. '

'It's a mistake, ' says Bulbo, who did not seem to understand thebusiness in the least. 

'Poo--poo--pooh, ' says the Sheriff. 'Fetch Jack Ketch instantly. JackKetch!'

And poor Bulbo was led to the scaffold, where an executioner with ablock and a tremendous axe was always ready in case he should be wanted. 

But we must now revert to Giglio and Betsinda. 

XI. WHAT GRUFFANUFF DID TO GIGLIO AND BETSINDA

Gruffanuff, who had seen what had happened with the King, and knew thatGiglio must come to grief, got up very early the next morning, and wentto devise some plans for rescuing her darling husband, as the silly oldthing insisted on calling him. She found him walking up and down thegarden, thinking of a rhyme for Betsinda (TINDER and WINDA were all hecould find), and indeed having forgotten all about the past evening, except that Betsinda was the most lovely of beings. 

'Well, dear Giglio, ' says Gruff. 

'Well, dear Gruffy, ' says Giglio, only HE was quite satirical. 

'I have been thinking, darling, what you must do in this scrape. Youmust fly the country for a while. '

'What scrape?--fly the country? Never without her I love, Countess, 'says Giglio. 

'No, she will accompany you, dear Prince, ' she says, in her most coaxingaccents. 'First, we must get the jewels belonging to our royal parents. And those of her and his present Majesty. Here is the key, duck; theyare all yours, you know, by right, for you are the rightful King ofPaflagonia, and your wife will be the rightful Queen. '

'Will she?' says Giglio. 

'Yes; and having got the jewels, go to Glumboso's apartment, where, under his bed, you will find sacks containing money to the amount ofL2I7, 000, 000, 987, 439, 13S. 6 1/2d. , all belonging to you, for he tookit out of your royal father's room on the day of his death. With this wewill fly. '

'WE will fly?' says Giglio. 

'Yes, you and your bride--your affianced love--your Gruffy!' says theCountess, with a languishing leer. 

'YOU my bride!' says Giglio. 'You, you hideous old woman!'

'Oh, you--you wretch! didn't you give me this paper promising marriage?'cries Gruff. 

'Get away, you old goose! I love Betsinda, and Betsinda only!' And in afit of terror he ran from her as quickly as he could. 

'He! he! he!' shrieks out Gruff; 'a promise is a promise if there arelaws in Paflagonia! And as for that monster, that wretch, that fiend, that ugly little vixen--as for that upstart, that ingrate, that beast, Betsinda, Master Giglio will have no little difficulty in discoveringher whereabouts. He may look very long before finding HER, I warrant. Helittle knows that Miss Betsinda is--'

Is--what? Now, you shall hear. Poor Betsinda got up at five in winter'smorning to bring her cruel mistress her tea; and instead of findingher in a good humour, found Gruffy as cross as two sticks. The Countessboxed Betsinda's ears half a dozen times whilst she was dressing; butas poor little Betsinda was used to this kind of treatment, she did notfeel any special alarm. 'And now, ' says she, 'when Her Majesty rings herbell twice, I'll trouble you, miss, to attend. '

So when the Queen's bell rang twice, Betsinda came to Her Majesty andmade a pretty little curtsey. The Queen, the Princess, and Gruffanuffwere all three in the room. As soon as they saw her they began, 'You wretch!' says the Queen. 

'You little vulgar thing!' says the Princess. 

'You beast!' says Gruffanuff. 

'Get out of my sight!' says the Queen. 

'Go away with you, do!' says the Princess. 

'Quit the premises!' says Gruffanuff. 

'Alas! and woe is me!' very lamentable events had occurred to Betsindathat morning, and all in consequence of that fatal warming-pan businessof the previous night. The King had offered to marry her; of course HerMajesty the Queen was jealous: Bulbo had fallen in love with her; ofcourse Angelica was furious: Giglio was in love with her, and oh, what afury Gruffy was in!

 'Take off that {cap } I gave you, ' {petticoat} they said, all {gown } at once, and began tearing the clothes off poor Betsinda. 

 'How (the King?' } cried the Queen, dare you {Prince Bulbo?' } the Princess, and flirt with {Prince Giglio?'} Countess. 

'Give her the rags she wore when she came into the house, and turn herout of it!' cries the Queen. 

'Mind she does not go with MY shoes on, which I lent her so kindly, 'says the Princess; and indeed the Princess's shoes were a great deal toobig for Betsinda. 

'Come with me, you filthy hussy!' and taking up the Queen's poker, thecruel Gruffanuff drove Betsinda into her room. 

The Countess went to the glass box in which she had kept Betsinda's oldcloak and shoe this ever so long, and said, 'Take those rags, you littlebeggar creature, and strip off everything belonging to honest people, and go about your business'; and she actually tore off the poor littledelicate thing's back almost all her things, and told her to be off outof the house. 

Poor Betsinda huddled the cloak round her back, on which wereembroidered the letters PRIN. . . ROSAL. . . And then came a great rent. 

As for the shoe, what was she to do with one poor little tootsey sandal?the string was still to it, so she hung it round her neck. 

'Won't you give me a pair of shoes to go out in the snow, mum, if youplease, mum?' cried the poor child. 

'No, you wicked beast!' says Gruffanuff, driving her along with thepoker--driving her down the cold stairs--driving her through the coldhall--flinging her out into the cold street, so that the knocker itselfshed tears to see her!

But a kind fairy made the soft snow warm for her little feet, and shewrapped herself up in the ermine of her mantle, and was gone!

'And now let us think about breakfast, ' says the greedy Queen. 

'What dress shall I put on, mamma? the pink or the peagreen?' saysAngelica. 'Which do you think the dear Prince will like best?'

'Mrs. V. !' sings out the King from his dressing-room, 'let us havesausages for breakfast! Remember we have Prince Bulbo staying with us!'

And they all went to get ready. 

Nine o'clock came, and they were all in the breakfast-room, and noPrince Bulbo as yet. The urn was hissing and humming: the muffins weresmoking--such a heap of muffins! the eggs were done, there was a potof raspberry jam, and coffee, and a beautiful chicken and tongue on theside-table. Marmitonio the cook brought in the sausages. Oh, how nicethey smelt!

'Where is Bulbo?' said the King. 'John, where is His Royal Highness?'John said he had a took hup His Roilighnessesses shaving-water, andhis clothes and things, and he wasn't in his room, which he sposed HisRoyliness was just stepped trout. 

'Stepped out before breakfast in the snow! Impossible!' says the King, sticking his fork into a sausage. 'My dear, take one. Angelica, won'tyou have a saveloy?' The Princess took one, being very fond of them; andat this moment Glumboso entered with Captain Hedzoff, both looking verymuch disturbed. 

'I am afraid Your Majesty--' cries Glumboso. 

'No business before breakfast, Glum!' says the King. ' Breakfast first, business next. Mrs. V. , some more sugar!'

'Sire, I am afraid if we wait till after breakfast it will be too late, 'says Glumboso. 'He--he--he'll be hanged at half-past nine. '

'Don't talk about hanging and spoil my breakfast, you unkind, vulgarman you, ' cries the Princess. 'John, some mustard. Pray who is to behanged?'

'Sire, it is the Prince, ' whispers Glumboso to the King. 

'Talk about business after breakfast, I tell you!' says His Majesty, quite sulky. 

'We shall have a war, Sire, depend on it, ' says the Minister. 'Hisfather, King Padella. . . '

'His father, King WHO?' says the King. 'King Padella is not Giglio'sfather. My brother, King Savio, was Giglio's father. '

'It's Prince Bulbo they are hanging, Sire, not Prince Giglio, ' says thePrime Minister. 

'You told me to hang the Prince, and I took the ugly one, ' says Hedzoff. 'I didn't, of course, think Your Majesty intended to murder your ownflesh and blood!'

The King for all reply flung the plate of sausages at Hedzoff's head. The Princess cried out 'Hee-kareekaree!' and fell down in a faintingfit. 

'Turn the cock of the urn upon Her Royal Highness, ' said the King, and the boiling water gradually revived her. His Majesty looked athis watch, compared it by the clock in the parlour, and by that of thechurch in the square opposite; then he wound it up; then he looked at itagain. 'The great question is, ' says he, 'am I fast or am I slow? If I'mslow, we may as well go on with breakfast. If I'm fast, why, thereis just the possibility of saving Prince Bulbo. It's a doosid awkwardmistake, and upon my word, Hedzoff, I have the greatest mind to have youhanged too. '

'Sire, I did but my duty; a soldier has but his orders. I didn't expectafter forty-seven years of faithful service that my sovereign wouldthink of putting me to a felon's death!'

'A hundred thousand plagues upon you! Can't you see that while you aretalking my Bulbo is being hung?' screamed the Princess. 

'By Jove! she's always right, that girl, and I'm so absent, ' says theKing, looking at his watch again. 'Ha! there go the drums! What a doosidawkward thing though!'

'Oh, papa, you goose! Write the reprieve, and let me run with it, ' criesthe Princess--and she got a sheet of paper, and pen and ink, and laidthem before the King. 

'Confound it! where are my spectacles?' the Monarch exclaimed. 'Angelica! go up into my bedroom, look under my pillow, not yourmamma's; there you'll see my keys. Bring them down to me, and--Well, well! what impetuous things these girls are!' Angelica was gone, and hadrun up panting to the bedroom, and found the keys, and was back againbefore the King had finished a muffin. 'Now, love, ' says he, 'you mustgo all the way back for my desk, in which my spectacles are. If youwould but have heard me out. . . Be hanged to her! There she is offagain. Angelica! ANGELICA!' When His Majesty called in his LOUD voice, she knew she must obey, and came back. 

'My dear, when you go out of a room, how often have I told you, SHUT THEDOOR. That's a darling. That's all. ' At last the keys and the desk andthe spectacles were got, and the King mended his pen, and signed hisname to a reprieve, and Angelica ran with it as swift as the wind. 'You'd better stay, my love, and finish the muffins. There's no usegoing. Be sure it's too late. Hand me over that raspberry jam, please, 'said the Monarch. 'Bong! Bawong! There goes the half-hour. I knew itwas. '

Angelica ran, and ran, and ran, and ran. She ran up Fore Street, anddown High Street, and through the Market-place, and down to the left, and over the bridge, and up the blind alley, and back again, and roundby the Castle, and so along by the Haberdasher's on the right, oppositethe lamp-post, and round the square, and she came--she came to theEXECUTION PLACE, where she saw Bulbo laying his head on the block!!! Theexecutioner raised his axe, but at that moment the Princess came pantingup and cried 'Reprieve!' 'Reprieve!' screamed the Princess. 'Reprieve!'shouted all the people. Up the scaffold stairs she sprang, with theagility of a lighter of lamps; and flinging herself in Bulbo's arms, regardless of all ceremony, she cried out, 'Oh, my Prince! my lord! mylove! my Bulbo! Thine Angelica has been in time to save thy preciousexistence, sweet rosebud; to prevent thy being nipped in thy youngbloom! Had aught befallen thee, Angelica too had died, and welcomeddeath that joined her to her Bulbo. '

'H'm! there's no accounting for tastes, ' said Bulbo, looking so verymuch puzzled and uncomfortable that the Princess, in tones of tendereststrain, asked the cause of his disquiet. 

'I tell you what it is, Angelica, ' said he, 'since I came hereyesterday, there has been such a row, and disturbance, and quarrelling, and fighting, and chopping of heads off, and the deuce to pay, that I aminclined to go back to Crim Tartary. '

'But with me as thy bride, my Bulbo! Though wherever thou art is CrimTartary to me, my bold, my beautiful, my Bulbo!'

'Well, well, I suppose we must be married, ' says Bulbo. 'Doctor, youcame to read the Funeral Service--read the Marriage Service, will you?What must be, must. That will satisfy Angelica, and then, in the name ofpeace and quietness, do let us go back to breakfast. '

Bulbo had carried a rose in his mouth all the time of the dismalceremony. It was a fairy rose, and he was told by his mother that heought never to part with it. So he had kept it between his teeth, evenwhen he laid his poor head upon the block, hoping vaguely that somechance would turn up in his favour. As he began to speak to Angelica, he forgot about the rose, and of course it dropped out of his mouth. The romantic Princess instantly stooped and seized it. 'Sweet rose!' sheexclaimed, 'that bloomed upon my Bulbo's lip, never, never will I partfrom thee!' and she placed it in her bosom. And you know Bulbo COULDN'Task her to give the rose back again. And they went to breakfast; and asthey walked, it appeared to Bulbo that Angelica became more exquisitelylovely every moment. 

He was frantic until they were married; and now, strange to say, it wasAngelica who didn't care about him! He knelt down, he kissed her hand, he prayed and begged; he cried with admiration; while she for her partsaid she really thought they might wait; it seemed to her he was nothandsome any more--no, not at all, quite the reverse; and not clever, no, very stupid; and not well bred, like Giglio; no, on the contrary, dreadfully vul--

What, I cannot say, for King Valoroso roared out 'POOH, stuff!' in aterrible voice. 'We will have no more of this shilly-shallying! Call theArchbishop, and let the Prince and Princess be married offhand!'

So, married they were, and I am sure for my part I trust they will behappy. 

XII. HOW BETSINDA FLED, AND WHAT BECAME OF HER

Betsinda wandered on and on, till she passed through the town gates, andso on the great Crim Tartary road, the very way on which Giglio toowas going. 'Ah!' thought she, as the diligence passed her, of which theconductor was blowing a delightful tune on his horn, 'how I should liketo be on that coach!' But the coach and the jingling horses were verysoon gone. She little knew who was in it, though very likely she wasthinking of him all the time. 

Then came an empty cart, returning from market; and the driver beinga kind man, and seeing such a very pretty girl trudging along the roadwith bare feet, most good-naturedly gave her a seat. He said he lived onthe confines of the forest, where his old father was a woodman, and, ifshe liked, he would take her so far on her road. All roads were the sameto little Betsinda, so she very thankfully took this one. 

And the carter put a cloth round her bare feet, and gave her some breadand cold bacon, and was very kind to her. For all that she was very coldand melancholy. When after travelling on and on, evening came, and allthe black pines were bending with snow, and there, at last, was thecomfortable light beaming in the woodman's windows; and so they arrived, and went into his cottage. He was an old man, and had a number ofchildren, who were just at supper, with nice hot bread-and-milk, whentheir elder brother arrived with the cart. And they jumped and clappedtheir hands; for they were good children; and he had brought them toysfrom the town. And when they saw the pretty stranger, they ran toher, and brought her to the fire, and rubbed her poor little feet, andbrought her bread and milk. 

'Look, father!' they said to the old woodman, 'look at this poor girl, and see what pretty cold feet she has. They are as white as our milk!And look and see what an odd cloak she has, just like the bit of velvetthat hangs up in our cupboard, and which you found that day the littlecubs were killed by King Padella, in the forest! And look, why, blessus all! she has got round her neck just such another little shoe asthat you brought home, and have shown us so often--a little blue velvetshoe!'

'What, ' said the old woodman, 'what is all this about a shoe and acloak?'

And Betsinda explained that she had been left, when quite a littlechild, at the town with this cloak and this shoe. And the persons whohad taken care of her had--had been angry with her, for no fault, shehoped, of her own. And they had sent her away with her old clothes--andhere, in fact, she was. She remembered having been in a forest--andperhaps it was a dream--it was so very odd and strange--having lived ina cave with lions there; and, before that, having lived in a very, veryfine house, as fine as the King's, in the town. 

When the woodman heard this, he was so astonished, it was quite curiousto see how astonished he was. He went to his cupboard, and took out ofa stocking a five-shilling piece of King Cavolfiore, and vowed it wasexactly like the young woman. And then he produced the shoe and pieceof velvet which he had kept so long, and compared them with the thingswhich Betsinda wore. In Betsinda's little shoe was written, 'Hopkins, maker to the Royal Family'; so in the other shoe was written, 'Hopkins, maker to the Royal Family. ' In the inside of Betsinda's piece ofcloak was embroidered, 'PRIN ROSAL'; in the other piece of cloak wasembroidered 'CESS BA. NO. 246. ' So that when put together you read, 'PRINCESS ROSALBA. NO. 246. '

On seeing this, the dear old woodman fell down on his knee, saying, 'O my Princess, O my gracious royal lady, O my rightful Queen of CrimTartary, --I hail thee--I acknowledge thee--I do thee homage!' And intoken of his fealty, he rubbed his venerable nose three times on theground, and put the Princess's foot on his head. 

'Why, ' said she, 'my good woodman, you must be a nobleman of my royalfather's Court!' For in her lowly retreat, and under the name ofBetsinda, HER MAJESTY, ROSALBA, Queen of Crim Tartary, had read of thecustoms of all foreign courts and nations. 

'Marry, indeed, am I, my gracious liege--the poor Lord Spinachionce--the humble woodman these fifteen years syne. Ever since the tyrantPadella (may ruin overtake the treacherous knave!) dismissed me from mypost of First Lord. '

'First Lord of the Toothpick and Joint Keeper of the Snuffbox? I mindme! Thou heldest these posts under our royal Sire. They are restored tothee, Lord Spinachi! I make thee knight of the second class of our Orderof the Pumpkin (the first class being reserved for crowned heads alone). Rise, Marquis of Spinachi!' And with indescribable majesty, the Queen, who had no sword handy, waved the pewter spoon with which she had beentaking her bread-and-milk, over the bald head of the old nobleman, whosetears absolutely made a puddle on the ground, and whose dear childrenwent to bed that night Lords and Ladies Bartolomeo, Ubaldo, Catarina, and Ottavia degli Spinachi!

The acquaintance HER MAJESTY showed with the history, and noble familiesof her empire, was wonderful. 'The House of Broccoli should remainfaithful to us, ' she said; 'they were ever welcome at our Court. Havethe Articiocchi, as was their wont, turned to the Rising Sun? The familyof Sauerkraut must sure be with us--they were ever welcome in the hallsof King Cavolfiore. ' And so she went on enumerating quite a list ofthe nobility and gentry of Crim Tartary, so admirably had Her Majestyprofited by her studies while in exile. 

The old Marquis of Spinachi said he could answer for them all; that thewhole country groaned under Padella's tyranny, and longed to return toits rightful sovereign; and late as it was, he sent his children, whoknew the forest well, to summon this nobleman and that; and when hiseldest son, who had been rubbing the horse down and giving him hissupper, came into the house for his own, the Marquis told him to put hisboots on, and a saddle on the mare, and ride hither and thither to suchand such people. 

When the young man heard who his companion in the cart had been, he tooknelt down and put her royal foot on his head; he too bedewed the groundwith his tears; he was frantically in love with her, as everybody nowwas who saw her: so were the young Lords Bartolomeo and Ubaldo, whopunched each other's little heads out of jealousy; and so, when theycame from east and west at the summons of the Marquis degli Spinachi, were the Crim Tartar Lords who still remained faithful to the House ofCavolfiore. They were such very old gentlemen for the most part that HerMajesty never suspected their absurd passion, and went among them quiteunaware of the havoc her beauty was causing, until an old blind Lord whohad joined her party told her what the truth was; after which, for fearof making the people too much in love with her, she always wore a veil. She went about privately, from one nobleman's castle to another; andthey visited among themselves again, and had meetings, and composedproclamations and counter-proclamations, and distributed all the bestplaces of the kingdom amongst one another, and selected who of theopposition party should be executed when the Queen came to her own. Andso in about a year they were ready to move. 

The party of Fidelity was in truth composed of very feeble old fogiesfor the most part; they went about the country waving their old swordsand flags, and calling 'God save the Queen!' and King Padella happeningto be absent upon an invasion, they had their own way for a little, and to be sure the people were very enthusiastic whenever they saw theQueen; otherwise the vulgar took matters very quietly, for they said, as far as they could recollect, they were pretty well as much taxed inCavolfiore's time, as now in Padella's. 

XIII. HOW QUEEN ROSALBA CAME TO THE CASTLE OF THE BOLD COUNT HOGGINARMO

Her Majesty, having indeed nothing else to give, made all her followersKnights of the Pumpkin, and Marquises, Earls, and Baronets; and they hada little court for her, and made her a little crown of gilt paper, and arobe of cotton velvet; and they quarrelled about the places to be givenaway in her court, and about rank and precedence and dignities;--youcan't think how they quarrelled! The poor Queen was very tired of herhonours before she had had them a month, and I dare say sighed sometimeseven to be a lady's-maid again. But we must all do our duty in ourrespective stations, so the Queen resigned herself to perform hers. 

We have said how it happened that none of the Usurper's troops came outto oppose this Army of Fidelity: it pottered along as nimbly as thegout of the principal commanders allowed: it consisted of twice as manyofficers as soldiers: and at length passed near the estates of one ofthe most powerful noblemen of the country, who had not declared for theQueen, but of whom her party had hopes, as he was always quarrellingwith King Padella. 

When they came close to his park gates, this nobleman sent to say hewould wait upon Her Majesty: he was a most powerful warrior, and hisname was Count Hogginarmo, whose helmet it took two strong negroes tocarry. He knelt down before her and said, 'Madam and liege lady! itbecomes the great nobles of the Crimean realm to show every outward signof respect to the wearer of the Crown, whoever that may be. We testifyto our own nobility in acknowledging yours. The bold Hogginarmo bendsthe knee to the first of the aristocracy of his country. '

Rosalba said, 'The bold Count of Hogginarmo was uncommonly kind. ' Butshe felt afraid of him, even while he was kneeling, and his eyes scowledat her from between his whiskers, which grew up to them. 

'The first Count of the Empire, madam, ' he went on, 'salutes theSovereign. The Prince addresses himself to the not more noble lady!Madam, my hand is free, and I offer it, and my heart and my sword toyour service! My three wives lie buried in my ancestral vaults. Thethird perished but a year since; and this heart pines for a consort!Deign to be mine, and I swear to bring to your bridal table the head ofKing Padella, the eyes and nose of his son Prince Bulbo, the right handand ears of the usurping Sovereign of Paflagonia, which country shallthenceforth be an appanage to your--to OUR Crown! Say yes; Hogginarmo isnot accustomed to be denied. Indeed I cannot contemplate the possibilityof a refusal: for frightful will be the result; dreadful the murders;furious the devastations; horrible the tyranny; tremendous the tortures, misery, taxation, which the people of this realm will endure, ifHogginarmo's wrath be aroused! I see consent in Your Majesty's lovelyeyes--their glances fill my soul with rapture!'

'Oh, sir!' Rosalba said, withdrawing her hand in great fright. 'YourLordship is exceedingly kind; but I am sorry to tell you that I have aprior attachment to a young gentleman by the name of--Prince Giglio--andnever--never can marry any one but him. '

Who can describe Hogginarmo's wrath at this remark? Rising up from theground, he ground his teeth so that fire flashed out of his mouth, fromwhich at the same time issued remarks and language, so LOUD, VIOLENT, AND IMPROPER, that this pen shall never repeat them!'R-r-r-r-rr--Rejected! Fiends and perdition! The bold Hogginarmorejected! All the world shall hear of my rage; and you, madam, you aboveall shall rue it!' And kicking the two negroes before him, he rushedaway, his whiskers streaming in the wind. 

Her Majesty's Privy Council was in a dreadful panic when they sawHogginarmo issue from the royal presence in such a towering rage, makingfootballs of the poor negroes--a panic which the events justified. Theymarched off from Hogginarmo's park very crestfallen; and in anotherhalf-hour they were met by that rapacious chieftain with a few of hisfollowers, who cut, slashed, charged, whacked, banged, and pommelledamongst them, took the Queen prisoner, and drove the Army of Fidelity toI don't know where. 

Poor Queen! Hogginarmo, her conqueror, would not condescend to see her. 'Get a horse-van!' he said to his grooms, 'clap the hussy into it, andsend her, with my compliments, to His Majesty King Padella. '

Along with his lovely prisoner, Hogginarmo sent a letter full of servilecompliments and loathsome flatteries to King Padella, for whose life, and that of his royal family, the HYPOCRITICAL HUMBUG pretended to offerthe most fulsome prayers. And Hogginarmo promised speedily to pay hishumble homage at his august master's throne, of which he begged leave tobe counted the most loyal and constant defender. Such a WARY old BIRDas King Padella was not to be caught by Master Hogginarmo's CHAFF and weshall hear presently how the tyrant treated his upstart vassal. No, no;depend on's, two such rogues do not trust one another. 

So this poor Queen was laid in the straw like Margery Daw, and drivenalong in the dark ever so many miles to the Court, where King Padellahad now arrived, having vanquished all his enemies, murdered most ofthem, and brought some of the richest into captivity with him for thepurpose of torturing them and finding out where they had hidden theirmoney. 

Rosalba heard their shrieks and groans in the dungeon in which she wasthrust; a most awful black hole, full of bats, rats, mice, toads, frogs, mosquitoes, bugs, fleas, serpents, and every kind of horror. No lightwas let into it, otherwise the gaolers might have seen her and fallen inlove with her, as an owl that lived up in the roof of the tower did, anda cat, you know, who can see in the dark, and having set its green eyeson Rosalba, never would be got to go back to the turnkey's wife to whomit belonged. And the toads in the dungeon came and kissed her feet, and the vipers wound round her neck and arms, and never hurt her, socharming was this poor Princess in the midst of her misfortunes. 

At last, after she had been kept in this place EVER SO LONG, the door ofthe dungeon opened, and the terrible KING PADELLA came in. 

But what he said and did must be reserved for another chapter, as wemust now back to Prince Giglio. 

XIV. WHAT BECAME OF GIGLIO

The idea of marrying such an old creature as Gruffanuff frightenedPrince Giglio so, that he ran up to his room, packed his trunks, fetched in a couple of porters, and was off to the diligence office in atwinkling. 

It was well that he was so quick in his operations, did not dawdle overhis luggage, and took the early coach, for as soon as the mistake aboutPrince Bulbo was found out, that cruel Glumboso sent up a couple ofpolicemen to Prince Giglio's room, with orders that he should be carriedto Newgate, and his head taken off before twelve o'clock. But the coachwas out of the Paflagonian dominions before two o'clock; and I dare saythe express that was sent after Prince Giglio did not ride very quick, for many people in Paflagonia had a regard for Giglio, as the son oftheir old sovereign; a Prince who, with all his weaknesses, was verymuch better than his brother, the usurping, lazy, careless, passionate, tyrannical, reigning monarch. That Prince busied himself with the balls, fetes, masquerades, hunting-parties, and so forth, which he thoughtproper to give on occasion of his daughter's marriage to Prince Bulbo;and let us trust was not sorry in his own heart that his brother's sonhad escaped the scaffold. 

It was very cold weather, and the snow was on the ground, andGiglio, who gave his name as simple Mr. Giles, was very glad to get acomfortable place in the coupe of the diligence, where he sat with theconductor and another gentleman. At the first stage from Blombodinga, as they stopped to change horses, there came up to the diligence a veryordinary, vulgar-looking woman, with a bag under her arm, who askedfor a place. All the inside places were taken, and the young woman wasinformed that if she wished to travel, she must go upon the roof; andthe passenger inside with Giglio (a rude person, I should think), puthis head out of the window, and said, 'Nice weather for travellingoutside! I wish you a pleasant journey, my dear. ' The poor woman coughedvery much, and Giglio pitied her. 'I will give up my place to her, 'says he, 'rather than she should travel in the cold air with that horridcough. ' On which the vulgar traveller said, 'YOU'D keep her warm, I amsure, if it's a MUFF she wants. ' On which Giglio pulled his nose, boxedhis ears, hit him in the eye, and gave this vulgar person a warningnever to call him MUFF again. 

Then he sprang up gaily on to the roof of the diligence, and madehimself very comfortable in the straw. 

The vulgar traveller got down only at the next station, and Giglio tookhis place again, and talked to the person next to him. She appearedto be a most agreeable, well-informed, and entertaining female. Theytravelled together till night, and she gave Giglio all sorts of thingsout of the bag which she carried, and which indeed seemed to contain themost wonderful collection of articles. He was thirsty--out there came apint bottle of Bass's pale ale, and a silver mug! Hungry--she took outa cold fowl, some slices of ham, bread, salt, and a most delicious pieceof cold plum-pudding, and a little glass of brandy afterwards. 

As they travelled, this plain-looking, queer woman talked to Giglio ona variety of subjects, in which the poor Prince showed his ignorance asmuch as she did her capacity. He owned, with many blushes, how ignoranthe was; on which the lady said, 'My dear Gigl--my good Mr. Giles, youare a young man, and have plenty of time before you. You have nothing todo but to improve yourself. Who knows but that you may find use for yourknowledge some day? When--when you may be wanted at home, as some peoplemay be. '

'Good heavens, madam!' says he, 'do you know me?'

'I know a number of funny things, ' says the lady. 'I have been at somepeople's christenings, and turned away from other folks' doors. I haveseen some people spoilt by good fortune, and others, as I hope, improvedby hardship. I advise you to stay at the town where the coach stops forthe night. Stay there and study, and remember your old friend to whomyou were kind. '

'And who is my old friend?' asked Giglio. 

'When you want anything, ' says the lady, 'look in this bag, which Ileave to you as a present, and be grateful to--'

'To whom, madam?' says he. 

'To the Fairy Blackstick, ' says the lady, flying out of the window. Andthen Giglio asked the conductor if he knew where the lady was?

'What lady?' says the man; 'there has been no lady in this coach, exceptthe old woman, who got out at the last stage. ' And Giglio thought hehad been dreaming. But there was the bag which Blackstick had given himlying on his lap; and when he came to the town he took it in his handand went into the inn. 

They gave him a very bad bedroom, and Giglio, when he woke in themorning, fancying himself in the Royal Palace at home, called, 'John, Charles, Thomas! My chocolate--my dressing-gown--my slippers'; butnobody came. There was no bell, so he went and bawled out for water onthe top of the stairs. 

The landlady came up. 

'What are you a hollering and a bellaring for here, young man?' saysshe. 

'There's no warm water--no servants; my boots are not even cleaned. '

'He, he! Clean 'em yourself, ' says the landlady. 'You young studentsgive yourselves pretty airs. I never heard such impudence. '

'I'll quit the house this instant, ' says Giglio. 

'The sooner the better, young man. Pay your bill and be off. All myrooms is wanted for gentlefolks, and not for such as you. '

'You may well keep the Bear Inn, ' said Giglio. 'You should have yourselfpainted as the sign. '

The landlady of the Bear went away GROWLING. And Giglio returned to hisroom, where the first thing he saw was the fairy bag lying on the table, which seemed to give a little hop as he came in. 'I hope it has somebreakfast in it, ' says Giglio, 'for I have only a very littlemoney left. ' But on opening the bag, what do you think was there? Ablacking-brush and a pot of Warren's jet, and on the pot was written:

 Poor young men their boots must black: Use me and cork me and put me back. 

So Giglio laughed and blacked his boots, and put back the brush and thebottle into the bag. 

When he had done dressing himself, the bag gave another little hop, andhe went to it and took out--

1. A tablecloth and a napkin. 

2. A sugar-basin full of the best loaf-sugar. 

4, 6, 8, 10. Two forks, two teaspoons, two knives, and a pair ofsugar-tongs, and a butter-knife all marked G. 

11, 12, 13. A teacup, saucer, and slop-basin. 

14. A jug full of delicious cream. 

15. A canister with black tea and green. 

16. A large tea-urn and boiling water. 

17. A saucepan, containing three eggs nicely done. 

18. A quarter of a pound of best Epping butter. 

19. A brown loaf. 

And if he hadn't enough now for a good breakfast, I should like to knowwho ever had one?

Giglio, having had his breakfast, popped all the things back intothe bag, and went out looking for lodgings. I forgot to say that thiscelebrated university town was called Bosforo. 

He took a modest lodging opposite the Schools, paid his bill at theinn, and went to his apartment with his trunk, carpet-bag, and notforgetting, we may be sure, his OTHER bag. 

When he opened his trunk, which the day before he had filled with hisbest clothes, he found it contained only books. And in the first of themwhich he opened there was written--

Clothes for the back, books for the head: Read and remember them whenthey are read. 

And in his bag, when Giglio looked in it, he found a student's cap andgown, a writing-book full of paper, an inkstand, pens, and a Johnson'sdictionary, which was very useful to him, as his spelling had been sadlyneglected. 

So he sat down and worked away, very, very hard for a whole year, during which 'Mr. Giles' was quite an example to all the students in theUniversity of Bosforo. He never got into any riots or disturbances. TheProfessors all spoke well of him, and the students liked him too; sothat, when at examination, he took all the prizes, viz. 

 {The Spelling Prize {The French Prize {The Writing Prize {The Arithmetic Prize {The History Prize {The Latin Prize {The Catechism Prize {The Good Conduct Prize, all his fellow-students said, 'Hurrah! Hurray for Giles! Giles isthe boy--the student's joy! Hurray for Giles!' And he brought quite aquantity of medals, crowns, books, and tokens of distinction home to hislodgings. 

One day after the Examinations, as he was diverting himself at acoffee-house with two friends--(Did I tell you that in his bag, everySaturday night, he found just enough to pay his bills, with a guineaover, for pocket-money? Didn't I tell you? Well, he did, as sure as twicetwenty makes forty-five)--he chanced to look in the Bosforo Chronicle, and read off, quite easily (for he could spell, read, and write thelongest words now), the following:--

'ROMANTIC CIRCUMSTANCE. --One of the most extraordinary adventures thatwe have ever heard has set the neighbouring country of Crim Tartary in astate of great excitement. 

'It will be remembered that when the present revered sovereign of CrimTartary, His Majesty King PADELLA, took possession of the throne, afterhaving vanquished, in the terrific battle of Blunderbusco, the lateKing CAVOLFIORE, that Prince's only child, the Princess Rosalba, was notfound in the royal palace, of which King Padella took possession, and, it was said, had strayed into the forest (being abandoned by all herattendants) where she had been eaten up by those ferocious lions, thelast pair of which were captured some time since, and brought to theTower, after killing several hundred persons. 

'His Majesty King Padella, who has the kindest heart in the world, was grieved at the accident which had occurred to the harmless littlePrincess, for whom His Majesty's known benevolence would certainly haveprovided a fitting establishment. But her death seemed to be certain. The mangled remains of a cloak, and a little shoe, were found in theforest, during a hunting-party, in which the intrepid sovereign ofCrim Tartary slew two of the lions' cubs with his own spear. And theseinteresting relics of an innocent little creature were carried homeand kept by their finder, the Baron Spinachi, formerly an officer inCavolfiore's household. The Baron was disgraced in consequence of hisknown legitimist opinions, and has lived for some time in the humblecapacity of a wood-cutter, in a forest on the outskirts of the Kingdomof Crim Tartary. 

'Last Tuesday week Baron Spinachi and a number of gentlemen, attachedto the former dynasty, appeared in arms, crying, "God save Rosalba, the first Queen of Crim Tartary!" and surrounding a lady whom reportdescribes as "BEAUTIFUL EXCEEDINGLY. " Her history MAY be authentic, iscertainly most romantic. 

'The personage calling herself Rosalba states that she was brought outof the forest, fifteen years since, by a lady in a car drawn by dragons(this account is certainly IMPROBABLE), that she was left in the PalaceGarden of Blombodinga, where Her Royal Highness the Princess Angelica, now married to His Royal Highness Bulbo, Crown Prince of Crim Tartary, found the child, and, with THAT ELEGANT BENEVOLENCE which has alwaysdistinguished the heiress of the throne of Paflagonia, gave the littleoutcast a SHELTER AND A HOME! Her parentage not being known, and hergarb very humble, the foundling was educated in the Palace in a menialcapacity, under the name of BETSINDA. 

'She did not give satisfaction, and was dismissed, carrying with her, certainly, part of a mantle and a shoe, which she had on when firstfound. According to her statement she quitted Blombodinga about a yearago, since which time she has been with the Spinachi family. On thevery same morning the Prince Giglio, nephew to the King of Paflagonia, a young Prince whose character for TALENT and ORDER were, to say truth, none of the HIGHEST, also quitted Blombodinga, and has not been sinceheard of!'

'What an extraordinary story!' said Smith and Jones, two young students, Giglio's especial friends. 

'Ha! what is this?' Giglio went on, reading--

'SECOND EDITION, EXPRESS. --We hear that the troop under Baron Spinachihas been surrounded, and utterly routed, by General Count Hogginarmo, and the soidisant Princess is sent a prisoner to the capital. 

'UNIVERSITY NEWS. --Yesterday, at the Schools, the distinguished youngstudent, Mr. Giles, read a Latin oration, and was complimented bythe Chancellor of Bosforo, Dr. Prugnaro, with the highest Universityhonour--the wooden spoon. '

'Never mind that stuff, ' says GILES, greatly disturbed. 'Come homewith me, my friends. Gallant Smith! intrepid Jones! friends of mystudies--partakers of my academic toils--I have that to tell which shallastonish your honest minds. '

'Go it, old boy!' cries the impetuous Smith. 

'Talk away, my buck!' says Jones, a lively fellow. 

With an air of indescribable dignity, Giglio checked their natural, butno more seemly, familiarity. 'Jones, Smith, my good friends, ' said thePRINCE, 'disguise is henceforth useless; I am no more the humble studentGiles, I am the descendant of a royal line. '

'Atavis edite regibus, I know, old co--' cried Jones. He was going tosay old cock, but a flash from THE ROYAL EYE again awed him. 

'Friends, ' continued the Prince, 'I am that Giglio, I am, in fact, Paflagonia. Rise, Smith, and kneel not in the public street. Jones, thoutrue heart! My faithless uncle, when I was a baby, filched from me thatbrave crown my father left me, bred me, all young and careless of myrights, like unto hapless Hamlet, Prince of Denmark; and had I anythoughts about my wrongs, soothed me with promises of near redress. Ishould espouse his daughter, young Angelica; we two indeed should reignin Paflagonia. His words were false--false as Angelica's heart!--falseas Angelica's hair, colour, front teeth! She looked with her skew eyesupon young Bulbo, Crim Tartary's stupid heir, and she preferred him. 'Twas then I turned my eyes upon Betsinda--Rosalba, as she now is. AndI saw in her the blushing sum of all perfection; the pink of maidenmodesty; the nymph that my fond heart had ever woo'd in dreams, ' etc. Etc. 

(I don't give this speech, which was very fine, but very long; andthough Smith and Jones knew nothing about the circumstances, my dearreader does, so I go on. )

The Prince and his young friends hastened home to his apartment, highly excited by the intelligence, as no doubt by the ROYAL NARRATOR'Sadmirable manner of recounting it, and they ran up to his room where hehad worked so hard at his books. 

On his writing-table was his bag, grown so long that the Prince couldnot help remarking it. He went to it, opened it, and what do you thinkhe found in it?

A splendid long, gold-handled, red-velvet-scabbarded, cut-and-thrustsword, and on the sheath was embroidered 'ROSALBA FOR EVER!'

He drew out the sword, which flashed and illuminated the whole room, andcalled out 'Rosalba for ever!' Smith and Jones following him, but quiterespectfully this time, and taking the time from His Royal Highness. 

And now his trunk opened with a sudden pony, and out there came threeostrich feathers in a gold crown, surrounding a beautiful shining steelhelmet, a cuirass, a pair of spurs, finally a complete suit of armour. 

The books on Giglio's shelves were all gone. Where there had been somegreat dictionaries, Giglio's friends found two pairs of jack-bootslabelled, 'Lieutenant Smith, ' '--Jones, Esq. , ' which fitted them to anicety. Besides, there were helmets, back and breast plates, swords, etc. , just like in Mr. G. P. R. James's novels; and that evening threecavaliers might have been seen issuing from the gates of Bosforo, inwhom the porters, proctors, etc. , never thought of recognising the youngPrince and his friends. 

They got horses at a livery stable-keeper's, and never drew bridleuntil they reached the last town on the frontier before you come to CrimTartary. Here, as their animals were tired, and the cavaliers hungry, they stopped and refreshed at an hostel. I could make a chapter of thisif I were like some writers, but I like to cram my measure tight down, you see, and give you a great deal for your money, and, in a word, theyhad some bread and cheese and ale upstairs on the balcony of the inn. As they were drinking, drums and trumpets sounded nearer and nearer, the marketplace was filled with soldiers, and His Royal Highness lookingforth, recognised the Paflagonian banners, and the Paflagonian nationalair which the bands were playing. 

The troops all made for the tavern at once, and as they came up Giglioexclaimed, on beholding their leader, 'Whom do I see? Yes! No! It is, it is! Phoo! No, it can't be! Yes! It is my friend, my gallant faithfulveteran, Captain Hedzoff! Ho! Hedzoff! Knowest thou not thy Prince, thyGiglio? Good Corporal, methinks we once were friends. Ha, Sergeant, an'my memory serves me right, we have had many a bout at singlestick. '

'I' faith, we have, a many, good my Lord, ' says the Sergeant. 

'Tell me, what means this mighty armament, ' continued His Royal Highnessfrom the balcony, 'and whither march my Paflagonians?'

Hedzoff's head fell. 'My Lord, ' he said, 'we march as the allies ofgreat Padella, Crim Tartary's monarch. '

'Crim Tartary's usurper, gallant Hedzoff! Crim Tartary's grim tyrant, honest Hedzoff!' said the Prince, on the balcony, quite sarcastically. 

'A soldier, Prince, must needs obey his orders: mine are to help HisMajesty Padella. And also (though alack that I should say it!) to seizewherever I should light upon him. '

'First catch your hare! ha, Hedzoff!' exclaimed His Royal Highness. 

'--On the body of GIGLIO, whilome Prince of Paflagonia' Hedzoff went on, with indescribable emotion. 'My Prince, give up your sword without ado. Look! we are thirty thousand men to one!'

'Give up my sword! Giglio give up his sword!' cried the Prince; andstepping well forward on to the balcony, the royal youth, WITHOUTPREPARATION, delivered a speech so magnificent, that no report can dojustice to it. It was all in blank verse (in which, from this time, heinvariably spoke, as more becoming his majestic station). It lasted forthree days and three nights, during which not a single person who heardhim was tired, or remarked the difference between daylight and dark. The soldiers only cheering tremendously, when occasionally, once in ninehours, the Prince paused to suck an orange, which Jones took out of thebag. He explained, in terms which we say we shall not attempt to convey, the whole history of the previous transaction, and his determination notonly not to give up his sword, but to assume his rightful crown; andat the end of this extraordinary, this truly GIGANTIC effort, CaptainHedzoff flung up his helmet, and cried, 'Hurray! Hurray! Long live KingGiglio!'

Such were the consequences of having employed his time well at College!

When the excitement had ceased, beer was ordered out for the army, andtheir Sovereign himself did not disdain a little! And now it was withsome alarm that Captain Hedzoff told him his division was only theadvanced guard of the Paflagonian contingent, hastening to KingPadella's aid; the main force being a day's march in the rear under HisRoyal Highness Prince Bulbo. 

'We will wait here, good friend, to beat the Prince, ' His Majesty said, 'and THEN will make his royal father wince. '

XV. WE RETURN TO ROSALBA

King Padella made very similar proposals to Rosalba to those which shehad received from the various princes who, as we have seen, had fallenin love with her. His Majesty was a widower, and offered to marry hisfair captive that instant, but she declined his invitation in her usualpolite gentle manner, stating that Prince Giglio was her love, andthat any other union was out of the question. Having tried tears andsupplications in vain, this violent-tempered monarch menaced her withthreats and tortures; but she declared she would rather suffer all thesethan accept the hand of her father's murderer, who left her finally, uttering the most awful imprecations, and bidding her prepare for deathon the following morning. 

All night long the King spent in advising how he should get rid of thisobdurate young creature. Cutting off her head was much too easy a deathfor her; hanging was so common in His Majesty's dominions that it nolonger afforded him any sport; finally, he bethought himself of a pairof fierce lions which had lately been sent to him as presents, and hedetermined, with these ferocious brutes, to hunt poor Rosalba down. Adjoining his castle was an amphitheatre where the Prince indulged inbull-baiting, rat-hunting, and other ferocious sports. The two lionswere kept in a cage under this place; their roaring might be heard overthe whole city, the inhabitants of which, I am sorry to say, thronged innumbers to see a poor young lady gobbled up by two wild beasts. 

The King took his place in the royal box, having the officers of hisCourt around and the Count Hogginarmo by his side, upon whom His Majestywas observed to look very fiercely; the fact is, royal spies had toldthe monarch of Hogginarmo's behaviour, his proposals to Rosalba, and hisoffer to fight for the crown. Black as thunder looked King Padella atthis proud noble, as they sat in the front seats of the theatre waitingto see the tragedy whereof poor Rosalba was to be the heroine. 

At length that Princess was brought out in her nightgown, with all herbeautiful hair falling down her back, and looking so pretty that eventhe beef-eaters and keepers of the wild animals wept plentifully atseeing her. And she walked with her poor little feet (only luckily thearena was covered with sawdust), and went and leaned up against a greatstone in the centre of the amphitheatre, round which the Court and thepeople were seated in boxes, with bars before them, for fear ofthe great, fierce, red-maned, black-throated, long-tailed, roaring, bellowing, rushing lions. And now the gates were opened, and with awurrawarrurawarar two great lean, hungry, roaring lions rushed out oftheir den, where they had been kept for three weeks on nothing but alittle toast-and-water, and dashed straight up to the stone where poorRosalba was waiting. Commend her to your patron saints, all you kindpeople, for she is in a dreadful state!

There was a hum and a buzz all through the circus, and the fierce KingPadella even felt a little compassion. But Count Hogginarmo, seated byHis Majesty, roared out 'Hurray! Now for it! Soo-soo-soo!' that noblemanbeing uncommonly angry still at Rosalba's refusal of him. 

But O strange event! O remarkable circumstance! O extraordinarycoincidence, which I am sure none of you could BY ANY POSSIBILITY havedivined! When the lions came to Rosalba, instead of devouring her withtheir great teeth, it was with kisses they gobbled her up! They lickedher pretty feet, they nuzzled their noses in her lap, they moo'd, theyseemed to say, 'Dear, dear sister don't you recollect your brothers inthe forest?' And she put her pretty white arms round their tawny necks, and kissed them. 

King Padella was immensely astonished. The Count Hogginarmo wasextremely disgusted. 'Pooh!' the Count cried. 'Gammon!' exclaimed hisLordship. ' These lions are tame beasts come from Wombwell's or Astley's. It is a shame to put people off in this way. I believe they are littleboys dressed up in door-mats. They are no lions at all. '

'Ha!' said the King, 'you dare to say "gammon" to your Sovereign, doyou? These lions are no lions at all, aren't they? Ho! my beef-eaters!Ho! my bodyguard! Take this Count Hogginarmo and fling him into thecircus! Give him a sword and buckler, let him keep his armour on, andhis weather-eye out, and fight these lions. '

The haughty Hogginarmo laid down his opera-glass, and looked scowlinground at the King and his attendants. 'Touch me not, dogs!' he said, 'or by St. Nicholas the Elder, I will gore you! Your Majesty thinksHogginarmo is afraid? No, not of a hundred thousand lions! Follow medown into the circus, King Padella, and match thyself against one ofyon brutes. Thou darest not. Let them both come on, then!' And opening agrating of the box, he jumped lightly down into the circus. 

 WURRA WURRA WURRA WUR-AW-AW-AW!!! In about two minutes The Count Hogginarmo was GOBBLED UP by those lions, bones, boots, and all, and There was an End of him. 

At this, the King said, 'Serve him right, the rebellious ruffian! Andnow, as those lions won't eat that young woman--'

'Let her off!--let her off!' cried the crowd. 

'NO!' roared the King. 'Let the beef-eaters go down and chop her intosmall pieces. If the lions defend her, let the archers shoot them todeath. That hussy shall die in tortures!'

'A-a-ah!' cried the crowd. 'Shame! shame!'

'Who dares cry out shame?' cried the furious potentate (so little cantyrants command their passions). 'Fling any scoundrel who says a worddown among the lions!'

I warrant you there was a dead silence then, which was broken by a Pangarang pang pangkarangpang, and a Knight and a Herald rode in at thefurther end of the circus: the Knight, in full armour, with his vizorup, and bearing a letter on the point of his lance. 

'Ha!' exclaimed the King, 'by my fey, 'tis Elephant and Castle, pursuivant of my brother of Paflagonia; and the Knight, an' my memoryserves me, is the gallant Captain Hedzoff! What news from Paflagonia, gallant Hedzoff? Elephant and Castle, beshrew me, thy trumpeting musthave made thee thirsty. What will my trusty herald like to drink?'

'Bespeaking first safe conduct from your Lordship, ' said CaptainHedzoff, 'before we take a drink of anything, permit us to deliver ourKing's message. '

'My Lordship, ha!' said Crim Tartary, frowning terrifically. 'That titlesoundeth strange in the anointed ears of a crowned King. Straightwayspeak out your message, Knight and Herald!'

Reining up his charger in a most elegant manner close under the King'sbalcony, Hedzoff turned to the Herald, and bade him begin. 

Elephant and Castle, dropping his trumpet over his shoulder, took alarge sheet of paper out of his hat, and began to read:--

'O Yes! O Yes! O Yes! Know all men by these presents, that we, Giglio, King of Paflagonia, Grand Duke of Cappadocia, Sovereign Prince of Turkeyand the Sausage Islands, having assumed our rightful throne and title, long time falsely borne by our usurping Uncle, styling himself King ofPaflagonia--'

'Ha!' growled Padella. 

'Hereby summon the false traitor, Padella, calling himself King of CrimTartary--'

The King's curses were dreadful. 'Go on, Elephant and Castle!' said theintrepid Hedzoff. 

'--To release from cowardly imprisonment his liege lady and rightfulSovereign, ROSALBA, Queen of Crim Tartary, and restore her to her royalthrone: in default of which, I, Giglio, proclaim the said Padella sneak, traitor, humbug, usurper, and coward. I challenge him to meet me, withfists or with pistols, with battle-axe or sword, with blunderbuss orsinglestick, alone or at the head of his army, on foot or on horseback;and will prove my words upon his wicked ugly body!'

'God save the King!' said Captain Hedzoff, executing a demivolte, twosemilunes, and three caracols. 

'Is that all?' said Padella, with the terrific calm of concentratedfury. 

'That, sir, is all my royal master's message. Here is His Majesty'sletter in autograph, and here is his glove, and if any gentleman ofCrim Tartary chooses to find fault with His Majesty's expressions, I, Tuffskin Hedzoff, Captain of the Guard, am very much at his service, 'and he waved his lance, and looked at the assembly all round. 

'And what says my good brother of Paflagonia, my dear son'sfather-in-law, to this rubbish?' asked the King. 

'The King's uncle hath been deprived of the crown he unjustly wore, 'said Hedzoff gravely. 'He and his axminister, Glumboso, are now inprison waiting the sentence of my royal master. After the battle ofBombardaro--'

'Of what?' asked the surprised Padella. 

'Of Bombardaro, where my liege, his present Majesty, would haveperformed prodigies of velour, but that the whole of his uncle's armycame over to our side, with the exception of Prince Bulbo. '

'Ah! my boy, my boy, my Bulbo was no traitor!' cried Padella. 

'Prince Bulbo, far from coming over to us, ran away, sir; but I caughthim. The Prince is a prisoner in our army, and the most terrifictortures await him if a hair of the Princess Rosalba's head is injured. '

'Do they?' exclaimed the furious Padella, who was now perfectly LIVIDwith rage. ' Do they indeed? So much the worse for Bulbo. I've twentysons as lovely each as Bulbo. Not one but is as fit to reign as Bulbo. Whip, whack, flog, starve, rack, punish, torture Bulbo--break all hisbones--roast him or flay him alive--pull all his pretty teeth out one byone! But justly dear as Bulbo is to me, --joy of my eyes, fond treasureof my soul!--Ha, ha, ha, ha! revenge is dearer still. Ho! tortures, rack-men, executioners--light up the fires and make the pincers hot! getlots of boiling lead!--Bring out ROSALBA!'

XVI. HOW HEDZOFF RODE BACK AGAIN TO KING GIGLIO

Captain Hedzoff rode away when King Padella uttered this cruel command, having done his duty in delivering the message with which his royalmaster had entrusted him. Of course he was very sorry for Rosalba, butwhat could he do?

So he returned to King Giglio's camp, and found the young monarch in adisturbed state of mind, smoking cigars in the royal tent. HisMajesty's agitation was not appeased by the news that was brought byhis ambassador. 'The brutal ruthless ruffian royal wretch!' Giglioexclaimed. 'As England's poesy has well remarked, "The man that layshis hand upon a woman, save in the way of kindness, is a villain. " Ha, Hedzoff!'

'That he is, your Majesty, ' said the attendant. 

'And didst thou see her flung into the oil? and didn't the soothingoil--the emollient oil, refuse to boil, good Hedzoff--and to spoil thefairest lady ever eyes did look on?'

'Faith, good my liege, I had no heart to look and see a beauteous ladyboiling down; I took your royal message to Padella, and bore his backto you. I told him you would hold Prince Bulbo answerable. He only saidthat he had twenty sons as good as Bulbo, and forthwith he bade theruthless executioners proceed. '

'O cruel father--O unhappy son!' cried the King. 'Go, some of you, andbring Prince Bulbo hither. '

Bulbo was brought in chains, looking very uncomfortable. Though aprisoner, he had been tolerably happy, perhaps because his mind was atrest, and all the fighting was over, and he was playing at marbles withhis guards when the King sent for him. 

'Oh, my poor Bulbo, ' said His Majesty, with looks of infinitecompassion, 'hast thou heard the news?' (for you see Giglio wanted tobreak the thing gently to the Prince), 'thy brutal father has condemnedRosalba--p-p-p-ut her to death, P-p-p-prince Bulbo!'

'What, killed Betsinda! Boo-hoo-hoo, ' cried out Bulbo. 'Betsinda! prettyBetsinda! dear Betsinda! She was the dearest little girl in the world. I love her better twenty thousand times even than Angelica, ' and he wenton expressing his grief in so hearty and unaffected a manner that theKing was quite touched by it, and said, shaking Bulbo's hand, that hewished he had known Bulbo sooner. 

Bulbo, quite unconsciously, and meaning for the best, offered to comeand sit with His Majesty, and smoke a cigar with him, and console him. The ROYAL KINDNESS supplied Bulbo with a cigar; he had not had one, hesaid, since he was taken prisoner. 

And now think what must have been the feelings of the most MERCIFUL OFMONARCHS, when he informed his prisoner that, in consequence of KingPadella's cruel and DASTARDLY BEHAVIOUR to Rosalba, Prince Bulbo mustinstantly be executed! The noble Giglio could not restrain his tears, nor could the Grenadiers, nor the officers, nor could Bulbo himself, when the matter was explained to him, and he was brought to understandthat His Majesty's promise, of course, was ABOVE EVERY THING, and Bulbomust submit. So poor Bulbo was led out, Hedzoff trying to console him, by pointing out that if he had won the battle of Bombardaro, he mighthave hanged Prince Giglio. 'Yes! But that is no comfort to me now!' saidpoor Bulbo; nor indeed was it, poor fellow!

He was told the business would be done the next morning at eight, andwas taken back to his dungeon, where every attention was paid to him. The gaoler's wife sent him tea, and the turnkey's daughter begged himto write his name in her album, where a many gentlemen had written it onlike occasions! 'Bother your album!' says Bulbo. The Undertaker came andmeasured him for the handsomest coffin which money could buy--even thisdidn't console Bulbo. The Cook brought him dishes which he once used tolike; but he wouldn't touch them: he sat down and began writing an adieuto Angelica, as the clock kept always ticking, and the hands drawingnearer to next morning. The Barber came in at night, and offered toshave him for the next day. Prince Bulbo kicked him away, and wenton writing a few words to Princess Angelica, as the clock kept alwaysticking, and the hands hopping nearer and nearer to next morning. He gotup on the top of a hatbox, on the top of a chair, on the top of his bed, on the top of his table, and looked out to see whether he might escapeas the clock kept always ticking and the hands drawing nearer, andnearer, and nearer. 

But looking out of the window was one thing, and jumping another: andthe town clock struck seven. So he got into bed for a little sleep, butthe gaoler came and woke him, and said, 'Git up, your Royal Ighness, ifyou please, it's TEN MINUTES TO EIGHT!'

So poor Bulbo got up: he had gone to bed in his clothes (the lazy boy), and he shook himself, and said he didn't mind about dressing, or havingany breakfast, thank you; and he saw the soldiers who had come for him. 'Lead on!' he said; and they led the way, deeply affected; and they cameinto the courtyard, and out into the square, and there was King Gigliocome to take leave of him, and His Majesty most kindly shook hands withhim, and the 'Take off that marched on:--when hark!

Haw--wurraw--wurraw--aworr!

A roar of wild beasts was heard. And who should come riding into thetown, frightening away the boys, and even the beadle and policeman, butROSALBA!

The fact is, that when Captain Hedzoff entered into the court ofSnapdragon Castle, and was discoursing with King Padella, the lions madea dash at the open gate, gobbled up the six beef-eaters in a jiffy, andaway they went with Rosalba on the back of one of them, and they carriedher, turn and turn about, till they came to the city where PrinceGiglio's army was encamped. 

When the KING heard of the QUEEN'S arrival, you may think how he rushedout of his breakfast-room to hand Her Majesty off her lion! The lionswere grown as fat as pigs now, having had Hogginarmo and all thosebeefeaters, and were so tame, anybody might pat them. 

While Giglio knelt (most gracefully) and helped the Princess, Bulbo, for his part, rushed up and kissed the lion. He flung his arms round theforest monarch; he hugged him, and laughed and cried for joy. 'Oh, youdarling old beast, oh, how glad I am to see you, and the dear, dearBets--that is, Rosalba. '

'What, is it you? poor Bulbo!' said the Queen. ' Oh, how glad I am to seeyou, ' and she gave him her hand to kiss. King Giglio slapped him mostkindly on the back, and said, 'Bulbo, my boy, I am delighted, for yoursake, that Her Majesty has arrived. '

'So am I, ' said Bulbo; 'and YOU KNOW WHY. ' Captain Hedzoff here came up. 'Sire, it is half-past eight: shall we proceed with the execution?'

'Execution! what for?' asked Bulbo. 

'An officer only knows his orders, ' replied Captain Hedzoff, showing hiswarrant, on which His Majesty King Giglio smilingly said, 'Prince Bulbowas reprieved this time, ' and most graciously invited him to breakfast. 

XVII. HOW A TREMENDOUS BATTLE TOOK PLACE, AND WHO WON IT

As soon as King Padella heard, what we know already, that his victim, the lovely Rosalba, had escaped him, His Majesty's fury knew no bounds, and he pitched the Lord Chancellor, Lord Chamberlain, and every officerof the Crown whom he could set eyes on, into the cauldron of boiling oilprepared for the Princess. Then he ordered out his whole army, horse, foot, and artillery; and set forth at the head of an innumerable host, and I should think twenty thousand drummers, trumpeters, and fifers. 

King Giglio's advance guard, you may be sure, kept that monarchacquainted with the enemy's dealings, and he was in nowise disconcerted. He was much too polite to alarm the Princess, his lovely guest, withany unnecessary rumours of battles impending; on the contrary, he dideverything to amuse and divert her; gave her a most elegant breakfast, dinner, lunch, and got up a ball for her that evening, when he dancedwith her every single dance. 

Poor Bulbo was taken into favour again, and allowed to go quite freenow. He had new clothes given him, was called 'My good cousin' by HisMajesty, and was treated with the greatest distinction by everybody. But it was easy to see he was very melancholy. The fact is, the sight ofBetsinda, who looked perfectly lovely in an elegant new dress, setpoor Bulbo frantic in love with her again. And he never thought aboutAngelica, now Princess Bulbo, whom he had left at home, and who, as weknow, did not care much about him. 

The King, dancing the twenty-fifth polka with Rosalba, remarked withwonder the ring she wore; and then Rosalba told him how she had got itfrom Gruffanuff, who no doubt had picked it up when Angelica flung itaway. 

'Yes, ' says the Fairy Blackstick, who had come to see the young people, and who had very likely certain plans regarding them. 'That ring I gavethe Queen, Giglio's mother, who was not, saving your presence, a verywise woman; it is enchanted, and whoever wears it looks beautiful in theeyes of the world, I made poor Prince Bulbo, when he was christened, thepresent of a rose which made him look handsome while he had it; but hegave it to Angelica, who instantly looked beautiful again, whilst Bulborelapsed into his natural plainness. '

'Rosalba needs no ring, I am sure, ' says Giglio, with a low bow. 'She isbeautiful enough, in my eyes, without any enchanted aid. '

'Oh, sir!' said Rosalba. 

'Take off the ring and try, ' said the King, and resolutely drew the ringoff her finger. In HIS eyes she looked just as handsome as before!

The King was thinking of throwing the ring away, as it was so dangerousand made all the people so mad about Rosalba; but being a Prince ofgreat humour, and good humour too, he cast eyes upon a poor youth whohappened to be looking on very disconsolately, and said--

'Bulbo, my poor lad! come and try on this ring. The Princess Rosalbamakes it a present to you. '

The magic properties of this ring were uncommonly strong, for no soonerhad Bulbo put it on, but lo and behold, he appeared a personable, agreeable young Prince enough--with a fine complexion, fair hair, ratherstout, and with bandy legs; but these were encased in such a beautifulpair of yellow morocco boots that nobody remarked them. And Bulbo'sspirits rose up almost immediately after he had looked in the glass, andhe talked to their Majesties in the most lively, agreeable manner, anddanced opposite the Queen with one of the prettiest maids of honour, andafter looking at Her Majesty, could not help saying--

'How very odd! she is very pretty, but not so EXTRAORDINARILY handsome. '

'Oh no, by no means!' says the Maid of Honour. 

'But what care I, dear sir, ' says the Queen, who overheard them, 'if YOUthink I am good-looking enough?'

His Majesty's glance in reply to this affectionate speech was such thatno painter could draw it. And the Fairy Blackstick said, 'Bless you, mydarling children! Now you are united and happy; and now you see what Isaid from the first, that a little misfortune has done you both good. YOU, Giglio, had you been bred in prosperity, would scarcely havelearned to read or write--you would have been idle and extravagant, andcould not have been a good King as now you will be. You, Rosalba, wouldhave been so flattered, that your little head might have been turnedlike Angelica's, who thought herself too good for Giglio. '

'As if anybody could be good enough for HIM, ' cried Rosalba. 

'Oh, you, you darling!' says Giglio. And so she was; and he was justholding out his arms in order to give her a hug before the wholecompany, when a messenger came rushing in, and said, 'My Lord, theenemy!'

'To arms!' cries Giglio. 

'Oh, mercy!' says Rosalba, and fainted of course. 

He snatched one kiss from her lips, and rushed FORTH TO THE FIELD ofbattle!

The Fairy had provided King Giglio with a suit of armour, which was notonly embroidered all over with jewels, and blinding to your eyes tolook at, but was water-proof, gun-proof, and sword-proof; so that in themidst of the very hottest battles His Majesty rode about as calmly as ifhe had been a British Grenadier at Alma. Were I engaged in fighting formy country, _I_ should like such a suit of armour as Prince Giglio wore;but, you know, he was a Prince of a fairy tale, and they always havethese wonderful things. 

Besides the fairy armour, the Prince had a fairy horse, which wouldgallop at any pace you pleased; and a fairy sword, which would lengthenand run through a whole regiment of enemies at once. With such a weaponat command, I wonder, for my part, he thought of ordering his army out;but forth they all came, in magnificent new uniforms, Hedzoff and thePrince's two college friends each commanding a division, and His Majestyprancing in person at the head of them all. 

Ah! if I had the pen of a Sir Archibald Alison, my dear friends, wouldI not now entertain you with the account of a most tremendous shindy?Should not fine blows be struck? dreadful wounds be delivered? arrowsdarken the air? cannon balls crash through the battalions? cavalrycharge infantry? infantry pitch into cavalry? bugles blow; drums beat;horses neigh; fifes sing; soldiers roar, swear, hurray; officers shoutout 'Forward, my men!' 'This way, lads!' 'Give it 'em, boys!' 'Fight forKing Giglio, and the cause of right!' 'King Padella for ever!' Would Inot describe all this, I say, and in the very finest language too? Butthis humble pen does not possess the skill necessary for the descriptionof combats. In a word, the overthrow of King Padella's army was socomplete, that if they had been Russians you could not have wished themto be more utterly smashed and confounded. 

As for that usurping monarch, having performed acts of velour much moreconsiderable than could be expected of a royal ruffian and usurper, who had such a bad cause, and who was so cruel to women, --as for KingPadella, I say, when his army ran away, the King ran away too, kickinghis first general, Prince Punchikoff, from his saddle, and gallopingaway on the Prince's horse, having, indeed, had twenty-five ortwenty-six of his own shot under him. Hedzoff coming up, and findingPunchikoff down, as you may imagine, very speedily disposed of HIM. Meanwhile King Padella was scampering off as hard as his horse couldlay legs to ground. Fast as he scampered, I promise you somebody elsegalloped faster; and that individual, as no doubt you are aware, was theRoyal Giglio, who kept bawling out, 'Stay, traitor! Turn, miscreant, anddefend thyself! Stand, tyrant, coward, ruffian, royal wretch, till I cutthy ugly head from thy usurping shoulders!' And, with his fairy sword, which elongated itself at will, His Majesty kept poking and proddingPadella in the back, until that wicked monarch roared with anguish. 

When he was fairly brought to bay, Padella turned and dealt PrinceGiglio a prodigious crack over the sconce with his battle-axe, a mostenormous weapon, which had cut down I don't know how many regiments inthe course of the afternoon. But, Law bless you! though the blow fellright down on His Majesty's helmet, it made no more impression than ifPadella had struck him with a pat of butter: his battle-axe crumpled upin Padella's hand, and the Royal Giglio laughed for very scorn at theimpotent efforts of that atrocious usurper. 

At the ill success of his blow the Crim Tartar monarch was justlyirritated. 'If, ' says he to Giglio, 'you ride a fairy horse, and wearfairy armour, what on earth is the use of my hitting you? I may as wellgive myself up a prisoner at once. Your Majesty won't, I suppose, be somean as to strike a poor fellow who can't strike again?'

The justice of Padella's remark struck the magnanimous Giglio. 'Do youyield yourself a prisoner, Padella?' says he. 

'Of course I do, ' says Padella. 

'Do you acknowledge Rosalba as your rightful Queen, and give up thecrown and all your treasures to your rightful mistress?'

'If I must, I must, ' says Padella, who was naturally very sulky. 

By this time King Giglio's aides-de-camp had come up, whom His Majestyordered to bind the prisoner. And they tied his hands behind him, andbound his legs tight under his horse, having set him with his face tothe tail; and in this fashion he was led back to King Giglio's quarters, and thrust into the very dungeon where young Bulbo had been confined. 

Padella (who was a very different person in the depth of his distress, to Padella, the proud wearer of the Crim Tartar crown), now mostaffectionately and earnestly asked to see his son--his dear eldestboy--his darling Bulbo; and that good-natured young man never oncereproached his haughty parent for his unkind conduct the day before, when he would have left Bulbo to be shot without any pity, but came tosee his father, and spoke to him through the grating of the door, beyondwhich he was not allowed to go; and brought him some sandwiches from thegrand supper which His Majesty was giving above stairs, in honour of thebrilliant victory which had just been achieved. 

'I cannot stay with you long, sir, ' says Bulbo, who was in his best balldress, as he handed his father in the prog, 'I am engaged to dance thenext quadrille with Her Majesty Queen Rosalba, and I hear the fiddlesplaying at this very moment. '

So Bulbo went back to the ball-room and the wretched Padella ate hissolitary supper in silence and tears. 

All was now joy in King Giglio's circle. Dancing, feasting, fun, illuminations, and jollifications of all sorts ensued. The peoplethrough whose villages they passed were ordered to illuminate theircottages at night, and scatter flowers on the roads during the day. Theywere requested, and I promise you they did not like to refuse, to servethe troops liberally with eatables and wine; besides, the army wasenriched by the immense quantity of plunder which was found in KingPadella's camp, and taken from his soldiers; who (after they had givenup everything) were allowed to fraternise with the conquerors; and theunited forces marched back by easy stages towards King Giglio's capital, his royal banner and that of Queen Rosalba being carried in front of thetroops. Hedzoff was made a Duke and a Field-Marshal. Smith and Joneswere promoted to be Earls; the Crim Tartar Order of the Pumpkin and thePaflagonian decoration of the Cucumber were freely distributed by theirMajesties to the army. Queen Rosalba wore the Paflagonian Ribbon ofthe Cucumber across her riding-habit, whilst King Giglio never appearedwithout the grand Cordon of the Pumpkin. How the people cheered them asthey rode along side by side! They were pronounced to be the handsomestcouple ever seen: that was a matter of course; but they really WERE veryhandsome, and, had they been otherwise, would have looked so, they wereso happy! Their Majesties were never separated during the whole day, butbreakfasted, dined, and supped together always, and rode side by side, interchanging elegant compliments, and indulging in the most delightfulconversation. At night, Her Majesty's ladies of honour (who hadall rallied round her the day after King Padella's defeat) came andconducted her to the apartments prepared for her; whilst King Giglio, surrounded by his gentlemen, withdrew to his own Royal quarters. It wasagreed they should be married as soon as they reached the capital, andorders were dispatched to the Archbishop of Blombodinga, to hold himselfin readiness to perform the interesting ceremony. Duke Hedzoff carriedthe message, and gave instructions to have the Royal Castle splendidlyrefurnished and painted afresh. The Duke seized Glumboso, the Ex-PrimeMinister, and made him refund that considerable sum of money which theold scoundrel had secreted out of the late King's treasure. He alsoclapped Valoroso into prison (who, by the way, had been dethronedfor some considerable period past), and when the Ex-Monarch weaklyremonstrated, Hedzoff said, 'A soldier, sir, knows but his duty; myorders are to lock you up along with the Ex-King Padella, whom I havebrought hither a prisoner under guard. ' So these two Ex-Royal personageswere sent for a year to the House of Correction, and thereafter wereobliged to become monks of the severest Order of Flagellants, in whichstate, by fasting, by vigils, by flogging (which they administeredto one another, humbly but resolutely), no doubt they exhibited arepentance for their past misdeeds, usurpations, and private and publiccrimes. 

As for Glumboso, that rogue was sent to the galleys, and never had anopportunity to steal any more. 

XVIII. HOW THEY ALL JOURNEYED BACK TO THE CAPITAL

The Fairy Blackstick, by whose means this young King and Queen hadcertainly won their respective crowns back, would come not unfrequently, to pay them a little visit--as they were riding in their triumphalprogress towards Giglio's capital--change her wand into a pony, andtravel by their Majesties' side, giving them the very best advice. I amnot sure that King Giglio did not think the Fairy and her advice rathera bore, fancying it was his own velour and merits which had put him onhis throne, and conquered Padella: and, in fine, I fear he rather gavehimself airs towards his best friend and patroness. She exhorted him todeal justly by his subjects, to draw mildly on the taxes, never to breakhis promise when he had once given it--and in all respects to be a goodKing. 

'A good King, my dear Fairy!' cries Rosalba. 'Of course he will. Breakhis promise! can you fancy my Giglio would ever do anything so improper, so unlike him? No! never!' And she looked fondly towards Giglio, whomshe thought a pattern of perfection. 

'Why is Fairy Blackstick always advising me, and telling me how tomanage my government, and warning me to keep my word? Does she supposethat I am not a man of sense, and a man of honour?' asks Giglio testily. 'Methinks she rather presumes upon her position. '

'Hush! dear Giglio, ' says Rosalba. 'You know Blackstick has been verykind to us, and we must not offend her. ' But the Fairy was not listeningto Giglio's testy observations, she had fallen back, and was trottingon her pony now, by Master Bulbo's side, who rode a donkey, and madehimself generally beloved in the army by his cheerfulness, kindness, andgood-humour to everybody. He was eager to see his darling Angelica. Hethought there never was such a charming being. Blackstick did not tellhim it was the possession of the magic rose that made Angelica so lovelyin his eyes. She brought him the very best accounts of his little wife, whose misfortunes and humiliations had indeed very greatly improvedher; and, you see, she could whisk off on her wand a hundred miles in aminute, and be back in no time, and so carry polite messages from Bulboto Angelica, and from Angelica to Bulbo, and comfort that young man uponhis journey. 

When the Royal party arrived at the last stage before you reachBlombodinga, who should be in waiting, in her carriage there with herlady of honour by her side, but the Princess Angelica! She rushed intoher husband's arms, scarcely stopping to make a passing curtsey to theKing and Queen. She had no eyes but for Bulbo, who appeared perfectlylovely to her on account of the fairy ring which he wore; whilst sheherself, wearing the magic rose in her bonnet, seemed entirely beautifulto the enraptured Bulbo. 

A splendid luncheon was served to the Royal party, of which theArchbishop, the Chancellor, Duke Hedzoff, Countess Gruffanuff, and allour friends partook, the Fairy Blackstick being seated on the left ofKing Giglio, with Bulbo and Angelica beside her. You could hear thejoy-bells ringing in the capital, and the guns which the citizens werefiring off in honour of their Majesties. 

'What can have induced that hideous old Gruffanuff to dress herself upin such an absurd way? Did you ask her to be your bridesmaid, my dear?'says Giglio to Rosalba. 'What a figure of fun Gruffy is!'

Gruffy was seated opposite their Majesties, between the Archbishop andthe Lord Chancellor, and a figure of fun she certainly was, for she wasdressed in a low white silk dress, with lace over, a wreath of whiteroses on her wig, a splendid lace veil, and her yellow old neck wascovered with diamonds. She ogled the King in such a manner that HisMajesty burst out laughing. 

'Eleven o'clock!' cries Giglio, as the great Cathedral bell ofBlombodinga tolled that hour. 'Gentlemen and ladies, we must bestarting. Archbishop, you must be at church, I think, before twelve?'

'We must be at church before twelve, ' sighs out Gruffanuff in alanguishing voice, hiding her old face behind her fan. 

'And then I shall be the happiest man in my dominions, ' cries Giglio, with an elegant bow to the blushing Rosalba. 

'Oh, my Giglio! Oh, my dear Majesty!' exclaims Gruffanuff; 'and can itbe that this happy moment at length has arrived--'

'Of course it has arrived, ' says the King. 

'--and that I am about to become the enraptured bride of my adoredGiglio!' continues Gruffanuff. 'Lend me a smelling-bottle, somebody. Icertainly shall faint with joy. '

'YOU my bride?' roars out Giglio. 

'YOU marry my Prince?' cried poor little Rosalba. 

'Pooh! Nonsense! The woman's mad!' exclaims the King. And all thecourtiers exhibited by their countenances and expressions, marks ofsurprise, or ridicule, or incredulity, or wonder. 

'I should like to know who else is going to be married, if I am not?'shrieks out Gruffanuff. 'I should like to know if King Giglio is agentleman, and if there is such a thing as justice in Paflagonia? LordChancellor! my Lord Archbishop! will your Lordships sit by and see apoor, fond, confiding, tender creature put upon? Has not Prince Gigliopromised to marry his Barbara? Is not this Giglio's signature? Does notthis paper declare that he is mine, and only mine?' And she handedto his Grace the Archbishop the document which the Prince signedthat evening when she wore the magic ring, and Giglio drank so muchchampagne. And the old Archbishop, taking out his eyeglasses, read--

"'This is to give notice, that I, Giglio, only son of Savio, King ofPaflagonia, hereby promise to marry the charming Barbara Griselda, Countess Gruffanuff, and widow of the late Jenkins Gruffanuff, Esq. "

'H'm, ' says the Archbishop, 'the document is certainly a--a document. '

'Phoo!' says the Lord Chancellor, 'the signature is not in His Majesty'shandwriting. ' Indeed, since his studies at Bosforo, Giglio had made animmense improvement in caligraphy. 

'Is it your handwriting, Giglio?' cries the Fairy Blackstick, with anawful severity of countenance. 

'Y--y--y--es, ' poor Giglio gasps out, 'I had quite forgotten theconfounded paper: she can't mean to hold me by it. You old wretch, whatwill you take to let me off? Help the Queen, some one--Her Majesty hasfainted. '

'Chop her head off!'} exclaim the impetuous 'Smother the old witch!' }Hedzoff, the ardent Smith, and 'Pitch her into the river!'} the faithfulJones. 

But Gruffanuff flung her arms round the Archbishop's neck, and bellowedout, 'Justice, justice, my Lord Chancellor!' so loudly, that herpiercing shrieks caused everybody to pause. As for Rosalba, she wasborne away lifeless by her ladies; and you may imagine the look of agonywhich Giglio cast towards that lovely being, as his hope, his joy, hisdarling, his all in all, was thus removed, and in her place the horridold Gruffanuff rushed up to his side, and once more shrieked out, 'Justice, justice!'

'Won't you take that sum of money which Glumboso hid?' says Giglio; 'twohundred and eighteen thousand millions, or thereabouts. It's a handsomesum. '

'I will have that and you too!' says Gruffanuff. 

'Let us throw the crown jewels into the bargain, ' gasps out Giglio. 

'I will wear them by my Giglio's side!' says Gruffanuff. 

'Will half, three-quarters, five-sixths, nineteen-twentieths, of mykingdom do, Countess?' asks the trembling monarch. 

'What were all Europe to me without YOU, my Giglio?' cries Gruff, kissing his hand. 

'I won't, I can't, I shan't, --I'll resign the crown first, ' shoutsGiglio, tearing away his hand; but Gruff clung to it. 

'I have a competency, my love, ' she says, 'and with thee and a cottagethy Barbara will be happy. '

Giglio was half mad with rage by this time. 'I will not marry her, 'says he. 'Oh, Fairy, Fairy, give me counsel?' And as he spoke he lookedwildly round at the severe face of the Fairy Blackstick. 

"'Why is Fairy Blackstick always advising me, and warning me to keep myword? Does she suppose that I am not a man of honour?"' said the Fairy, quoting Giglio's own haughty words. He quailed under the brightnessof her eyes; he felt that there was no escape for him from that awfulinquisition. 

'Well, Archbishop, ' said he in a dreadful voice, that made his Gracestart, 'since this Fairy has led me to the height of happiness but todash me down into the depths of despair, since I am to lose Rosalba, letme at least keep my honour. Get up, Countess, and let us be married; Ican keep my word, but I can die afterwards. '

'Oh, dear Giglio, ' cries Gruffanuff, skipping up, 'I knew, I knew Icould trust thee--I knew that my Prince was the soul of honour. Jumpinto your carriages, ladies and gentlemen, and let us go to church atonce; and as for dying, dear Giglio, no, no:--thou wilt forget thatinsignificant little chambermaid of a Queen--thou wilt live to beconsoled by thy Barbara! She wishes to be a Queen, and not a QueenDowager, my gracious Lord!' And hanging upon poor Giglio's arm, andleering and grinning in his face in the most disgusting manner, this oldwretch tripped off in her white satin shoes, and jumped into the verycarriage which had been got ready to convey Giglio and Rosalba tochurch. The cannons roared again, the bells pealed triple-bobmajors, thepeople came out flinging flowers upon the path of the royal bride andbridegroom, and Gruff looked out of the gilt coach window and bowed andgrinned to them. Phoo! the horrid old wretch!

XIX. AND NOW WE COME TO THE LAST SCENE IN THE PANTOMIME

The many ups and downs of her life had given the Princess Rosalbaprodigious strength of mind, and that highly principled youngwoman presently recovered from her fainting-fit, out of which FairyBlackstick, by a precious essence which the Fairy always carried in herpocket, awakened her. Instead of tearing her hair, crying, and bemoaningherself, and fainting again, as many young women would have done, Rosalba remembered that she owed an example of firmness to her subjects;and though she loved Giglio more than her life, was determined, as shetold the Fairy, not to interfere between him and justice, or to causehim to break his royal word. 

'I cannot marry him, but I shall love him always, ' says she toBlackstick; 'I will go and be present at his marriage with the Countess, and sign the book, and wish them happy with all my heart. I will see, when I get home, whether I cannot make the new Queen some handsomepresents. The Crim Tartary crown diamonds are uncommonly fine, and Ishall never have any use for them. I will live and die unmarried likeQueen Elizabeth, and, of course, I shall leave my crown to Giglio whenI quit this world. Let us go and see them married, my dear Fairy, let mesay one last farewell to him; and then, if you please, I will return tomy own dominions. '

So the Fairy kissed Rosalba with peculiar tenderness, and at oncechanged her wand into a very comfortable coach-and-four, with a steadycoachman, and two respectable footmen behind, and the Fairy and Rosalbagot into the coach, which Angelica and Bulbo entered after them. Asfor honest Bulbo, he was blubbering in the most pathetic manner, quiteovercome by Rosalba's misfortune. She was touched by the honest fellow'ssympathy, promised to restore to him the confiscated estates of DukePadella his father, and created him, as he sat there in the coach, Prince, Highness, and First Grandee of the Crim Tartar Empire. Thecoach moved on, and, being a fairy coach, soon came up with the bridalprocession. 

Before the ceremony at church it was the custom in Paflagonia, as it isin other countries, for the bride and bridegroom to sign the Contractof Marriage, which was to be witnessed by the Chancellor, Minister, LordMayor, and principal officers of state. Now, as the royal palace wasbeing painted and furnished anew, it was not ready for the reception ofthe King and his bride, who proposed at first to take up their residenceat the Prince's palace, that one which Valoroso occupied when Angelicawas born, and before he usurped the throne. 

So the marriage party drove up to the palace: the dignitaries got out oftheir carriages and stood aside: poor Rosalba stepped out of her coach, supported by Bulbo, and stood almost fainting up against the railingsso as to have a last look of her dear Giglio. As for Blackstick, she, according to her custom, had flown out of the coach window in someinscrutable manner, and was now standing at the palace door. 

Giglio came up the steps with his horrible bride on his arm, lookingas pale as if he was going to execution. He only frowned at the FairyBlackstick--he was angry with her, and thought she came to insult hismisery. 

'Get out of the way, pray, ' says Gruffanuff haughtily. 'I wonder why youare always poking your nose into other people's affairs?'

'Are you determined to make this poor young man unhappy?' saysBlackstick. 

'To marry him, yes! What business is it of yours? Pray, madam, don't say"you" to a Queen, ' cries Gruffanuff. 

'You won't take the money he offered you?'

'No. '

'You won't let him off his bargain, though you know you cheated him whenyou made him sign the paper?'

'Impudence! Policemen, remove this woman!' cries Gruffanuff. And thepolicemen were rushing forward, but with a wave of her wand the Fairystruck them all like so many statues in their places. 

'You won't take anything in exchange for your bond, Mrs. Gruffanuff, 'cries the Fairy, with awful severity. 'I speak for the last time. '

'No!' shrieks Gruffanuff, stamping with her foot. 'I'll have my husband, my husband, my husband!'

'YOU SHALL HAVE YOUR HUSBAND!' the Fairy Blackstick cried; and advancinga step, laid her hand upon the nose of the KNOCKER. 

As she touched it, the brass nose seemed to elongate, the open mouthopened still wider, and uttered a roar which made everybody start. The eyes rolled wildly; the arms and legs uncurled themselves, writhedabout, and seemed to lengthen with each twist; the knocker expanded intoa figure in yellow livery, six feet high; the screws by which it wasfixed to the door unloosed themselves, and JENKINS GRUFFANUFF once moretrod the threshold off which he had been lifted more than twenty yearsago!

'Master's not at home, ' says Jenkins, just in his old voice; and Mrs. Jenkins, giving a dreadful YOUP, fell down in a fit, in which nobodyminded her. 

For everybody was shouting, 'Huzzay! huzzay!' 'Hip, hip, hurray!' 'Longlive the King and Queen!' 'Were such things ever seen?' 'No, never, never, never!' 'The Fairy Blackstick for ever!'

The bells were ringing double peals, the guns roaring and banging mostprodigiously. Bulbo was embracing everybody; the Lord Chancellor wasflinging up his wig and shouting like a madman; Hedzoff had got theArchbishop round the waist, and they were dancing a jig for joy; and asfor Giglio, I leave you to imagine what HE was doing, and if he kissedRosalba once, twice--twenty thousand times, I'm sure I don't think hewas wrong. 

So Gruffanuff opened the hall door with a low bow, just as he had beenaccustomed to do, and they all went in and signed the book, and thenthey went to church and were married, and the Fairy Blackstick sailedaway on her cane, and was never more heard of in Paflagonia. 

and here ends the Fireside Pantomime.