[Picture: One of the Duke's huntsmen]

THE LIFE OFMANSIE WAUCHTAILOR IN DALKEITH WRITTENBY HIMSELF AND EDITED BYD. M. MOIRILLUSTRATED IN COLOUR BYCHARLES MARTIN HARDIE, R. S. A. 

 T. N. FOULIS London & Edinburgh 1 9 1 1

 _October_ 1911

 _Turnbull & Spears_, _Printers_, _Edinburgh_

 TO JOHN GALT, ESQ. , AUTHOR OF "ANNALS OF THE PARISH, " "THE PROVOST, " "AYRSHIRE LEGATEES, " ETC. 

 THE FOLLOWING SKETCHES, PRINCIPALLY OF HUMBLE SCOTTISH CHARACTER, ARE DEDICATED, BY HIS SINCERE FRIEND AND ADMIRER, THE EDITOR. 

 [Picture: Mansie's shop door]

PRELIMINARIES TO THIS VOLUME

Having, within myself, made observation of late years, that all notablecharacters, whatsoever line of life they may have pursued, and towhatever business they might belong, have made a trade of committing topaper all the surprising occurrences and remarkable events that chancedto happen to them in the course of Providence, during their journeythrough life--that such as come after them might take warning and bebenefited--I have found it incumbent on me, following a right example, todo the same thing; and have set down, in black and white, a good fewuncos, that I should reckon will not soon be forgotten, provided theymake as deep an impression on the world as they have done on me. To thisdecision I have been urged by the elbowing on of not a few judiciousfriends, among whom I would particularly remark James Batter, who hasbeen most earnest in his request, and than whom a truer judge on anythingconnected with book-lear, or a better neighbour, does not breathe thebreath of life: both of which positions will, I doubt not, appear asclear as daylight to the reader, in the course of the work: to saynothing of the approval the scheme met with from the pious MaisterWiggie, who has now gone to his account, and divers other advisers, thatwished either the general good of the world, or studied their ownparticular profit. 

Had the course of my pilgrimage lain just on the beaten track, I wouldnot--at least I think so--have been o'ercome by ony perswasions to dowhat I have done; but as will be seen, in the twinkling of half-an-eye, by the judicious reader, I am a man that has witnessed much, and comethrough a great deal, both in regard to the times wherein I have lived, and the out-o'-the-way adventures in which it has been my fortune to beengaged. Indeed, though I say it myself, who might as well be silent, Ithat have never stirred, in a manner so to speak, from home, havewitnessed more of the world we live in, and the doings of men, than manywho have sailed the salt seas from the East Indies to the West; or, inthe course of nature, visited Greenland, Jamaica, or Van Diemen's Land. The cream of the matter, and to which we would solicit the attention ofold and young, rich and poor, is just this, that, unless unco doureindeed to learn, the inexperienced may gleam from my pages sundry grandlessons, concerning what they have a chance to expect in the course of anactive life; and the unsteady may take a hint concerning what it ispossible for one of a clear head and a stout heart to go through with. 

Notwithstanding, however, these plain and evident conclusions, even afterwriting the whole out, I thought I felt a kind of a qualm of conscienceabout submitting an account of my actions and transactions to the worldduring my lifetime; and I had almost determined, for decency's sake, notto let the papers be printed till after I had been gathered to myfathers; but I took into consideration the duty that one man owes toanother; and that my keeping back, and withholding these curiousdocuments, would be in a great measure hindering the improvement ofsociety, so far as I was myself personally concerned. Now this is abusiness, which James Batter agrees with me in thinking is carried on, furthered, and brought about, by every one furnishing his share ofexperience to the general stock. Let-a-be this plain truth, anotherpoint of argument for my bringing out my bit book at the present time is, that I am here to the fore bodily, with the use of my seven senses, togive day and date to all such as venture to put on the misbelieving frontof Sadducees, with regard to any of the accidents, mischances, marvellousescapes, and extraordinary businesses therein related; and to show them, as plain as the bool of a pint stoup, that each and everything set downby me within its boards is just as true, as that a blind man needs notspectacles, or that my name is Mansie Wauch. 

Perhaps as a person willing and anxious to give every man his due, it isnecessary for me explicitly to mention, that, in the course of this book, I am indebted to my friend James Batter, for his able help in assistingme to spell the kittle words, and in rummaging out scraps of poem-booksfor headpieces to my different chapters which appear in the table ofcontents. 

LIST OF CONTENTS

PRELIMINARIES

I. OUR OLD GRANDFATHER, II. MY OWN FATHER, The weaver he gied up the stair, Dancing and singing; A bunch o' bobbins at his back, Rattling and ringing. 

 _Old Song_. 

III. COMING INTO THE WORLD, --At first the babe Was sickly; and a smile was seen to pass Across the midwife's cheek, when, holding up The feeble wretch, she to the father said, "A fine man-child!" What else could they expect? The father being, as I said before, A weaver. 

 HOGG'S _Poetic Mirror_. 

IV. CALF-LOVE, Bonny lassie, will ye go, will ye go, will ye go, Bonny lassie, will ye go to the Birks of Aberfeldy?

 BURNS. 

 For a tailor is a man, a man, a man, And a tailor is a man. 

 _Popular Heroic Song_. 

V. CURSECOWL, From his red poll a redder cowl hung down; His jacket, if through grease we guess, was brown; A vigorous scamp, some forty summers old; Rough Shetland stockings up his thighs were roll'd; While at his side horn-handled steels and knives Gleam'd from his pouch, and thirsted for sheep's lives. 

 ODOHERTY'S _Miscellanea Classica_. 

VI. PUSHING MY FORTUNE, Oh, love, love, lassie, Love is like a dizziness, It winna let a puir bodie Gang about their business. 

 JAMES HOGG. 

VII. THE FOREWARNING, I had a dream which was not all a dream. 

 BYRON. 

 Coming events cast their shadows before. 

 CAMPBELL. 

VIII. LETTING LODGINGS, Then first he ate the white puddings, And syne he ate the black, O; Though muckle thought the Gudewife to hersell, Yet ne'er a word she spak, O. But up then started our Gudeman, And an angry man was he, O. 

 _Old Song_. 

IX. BENJIE'S CHRISTENING, We'll hap and row, hap and row, We'll hap and row the feetie o't. It is a wee bit weary thing, I dinnie bide the greetie o't. 

 PROVOST CREECH. 

 An honest man, close button'd to the chin, Broad-cloth without, and a warm heart within. 

 COWPER. 

 This great globe and all that it inherits shall dissolve, And, like the baseless fabric of a vision, Leave not a rack behind. 

 SHAKESPEARE. 

X. THE RESURRECTION MEN, How then was the Devil drest! He was in his Sunday's best; His coat was red, and his breeches were blue, With a hole behind where his tail came thro'. Over the hill, and over the dale, And he went over the plain: And backward and forward he switch'd his tail, As a gentleman switches his cane. 

 COLERIDGE. 

XI. TAFFY WITH THE PIGTAIL, Song, Song of the South, School Recollections, Elegiac Stanzas, Dirge, In the sweet shire of Cardigan, Not far from pleasant Ivor-hall, An old man dwells, a little man; I've heard he once was tall. A long blue livery-coat has he, That's fair behind and fair before; Yet, meet him where you will, you see At once that he is poor. 

 WORDSWORTH. 

XII. VOLUNTEERING, Come from the hills where your hirsels are grazing, Come from the glen of the buck and the roe; Come to the crag where the beacon is blazing, Come with the buckler, the lance, and the bow: Many a banner spread Flutters above your head, Many a crest that is famous in story; Mount and make ready then, Sons of the mountain glen, Fight for the _King_, and our old Scottish glory. 

 SIR WALTER SCOTT'S _Monastery_. 

XIII. THE CHINCOUGH PILGRIMAGE, Man hath a weary pilgrimage As through the world he wends: On every stage from youth to age Still discontent attends. With heaviness he casts his eye Upon the road before, And still remembers with a sigh The days that are no more. 

 SOUTHEY. 

XIV. MY LORD'S RACES, Aff they a' went galloping, galloping; Legs and arms a' walloping, walloping; De'il take the hindmost, quo' Duncan M'Calapin, The Laird of Tillyben, Joe. 

 _Old Song_. 

 He went a little further, And turn'd his head aside, And just by Goodman Whitfield's gate, Oh there the mare he spied. He ask'd her how she did, She stared him in the face, Then down she laid her head again-- She was in wretched case. 

 _Old Poulter's Mo_. 

XV. THE RETURN, That sweet home is there delight, And thither they repair Communion with their own to hold! Peaceful as, at the fall of night, Two little lambkins gliding white Return unto the gentle air, That sleeps within the fold. Or like two birds to their lonely nest, Or wearied waves to their bay of rest, Or fleecy clouds when their race is run, That hang in their own beauty blest, 'Mid the calm that sanctifies the west Around the setting sun. 

 WILSON. 

XVI. THE BLOODY CARTRIDGE, So stands the Thracian herdsman with his spear Full in the gap, and hopes the hunted bear; And hears him in the rustling wood, and sees His course at distance by the bending trees; And thinks--Here comes my mortal enemy, And either he must fall in fight or I. 

 DRYDEN'S _Palamon and Arcite_. 

 Nay, never shake thy gory looks at me; Thou canst not say I did it!

 _Macbeth_. 

XVII. MY FIRST AND LAST PLAY, _Pla. _ I' faith I like the audience that frequenteth there With much applause: a man shall not be chokt With the stench of garlick, nor be pasted firm With the barmy jacket of a beer-brewer. 

 _Bra. _ 'Tis a good gentle audience, and I hope The boys will come one day in great request. 

 _Jack Drum's Entertainment_, 1601. 

 Out cam the gudeman, and laigh he louted; Out cam the gudewife, and heigh she shouted; And a the toun-neibours gather'd about it; And there he lay, I trow. 

 _The Cauldrife Wooer_. 

XVIII. THE BARLEY FEVER: AND REBUKE, Sages their solemn een may steek, And raise a philosophic reek, And, physically, causes seek, In clime and season: But tell me _Whisky's_ name in Greek, I'll tell the reason. 

 BURNS. 

XIX. THE AWFUL NIGHT, Ha!--'twas but a dream; But then so terrible, it shakes my soul! Cold drops of sweat hang on my trembling flesh; My blood grows chilly, and I freeze with horror, _Richard the Third_. 

 The Fire-king one day rather amorous felt; He mounted his hot copper filly; His breeches and boots were of tin, and the belt Was made of cast-iron, for fear it should melt With the heat of the copper colt's belly. 

 Oh! then there was glitter and fire in each eye, For two living coals were the symbols; His teeth were calcined, and his tongue was so dry, It rattled against them as though you should try To play the piano on thimbles. 

 _Rejected Addresses_. 

XX. ADVENTURES IN THE SPORTING LINE, A fig for them by law protected, Liberty's glorious feast; Courts for cowards were erected, Churches built to please the priest. 

 _Jolly Beggars_. 

 Wi' cauk and keel I'll win your bread, And spindles and whorles for them wha need, Whilk is a gentle trade indeed, To carry the Gaberlunzie on. I'll bow my leg and crook my knee, And draw a black clout owre my ee, A cripple or blind they will ca' me, While we shall be merry and sing. 

 KING JAMES V. 

XXI. ANENT MUNGO GLEN, "Earth to earth, " and "dust to dust, " The solemn priest hath said, So we lay the turf above thee now, And we seal thy narrow bed; But thy spirit, brother, soars away Among the faithful blest, Where the wicked cease from troubling, And the weary are at rest. 

 MILMAN. 

XXII. THE JUNE JAUNT, The lapwing lilteth o'er the lea, With nimble wing she sporteth; By vows she'll flee from tree to tree Where Philomel resorteth: By break of day, the lark can say, I'll bid you a good-morrow, I'll streik my wing, and mounting sing, O'er Leader hauchs and Yarrow. 

 NICOL BURN, _the Minstrel_. 

XXIII. CATCHING A TARTAR, _Fr. Sol. _ O, prennez misericorde! ayez pitie de moy!

 _Pist. _ Moy shall not serve, I will have forty moys! For I will fetch my rim out at thy throat, In drops of crimson blood. 

 _Henry V. _

XXIV. JAMES BATTER AND THE MAID OF DAMASCUS, He chose a mournful muse Soft pity to infuse; He sung the Weaver wise and good, By too severe a fate, Fallen, fallen, fallen, fallen, Fallen from his high estate, And weltering in his blood. 

 DRYDEN _Revised_. 

 All close they met, all eves, before the dusk Had taken from the stars its pleasant veil, Close in a bower of hyacinth and musk, Unknown of any, free from whispering tale. 

 KEATS. 

XXV. A PHILISTINE IN THE COAL-HOLE, They steeked doors, they steeked yetts, Close to the cheek and chin; They steeked them a' but a wee wicket, And Lammikin crapt in. 

 _Ballad of the Lammikin_. 

 Hame cam our gudeman at een, And hame cam he; And there he spied a man Where a man shouldna be. Hoo cam this man kimmer, And who can it be; Hoo cam this carle here, Without the leave o' me?

 _Old Song_. 

XXVI. BENJIE ON THE CARPET, It's no in titles, nor in rank-- It's no in wealth, like Lon'on bank, To purchase peace and rest; It's no in making muckle _mair_-- It's no in books--it's no in lear, To make us truly blest. 

 BURNS. 

XXVII. "PUGGIE, PUGGIE, "

 Saw ye Johnie coming? quo' she, Saw ye Johnie coming? Wi' his blue bonnet on his head, And his doggie running?

 _Old Ballad_. 

XXVIII. SERIOUS MUSINGS, My eyes are dim with childish tears, My heart is idly stirr'd, For the same sound is in mine ears, Which in those days I heard. Thus fares it still in our decay; And yet the wiser mind Mourns less for what age takes away, Than what it leaves behind. 

 WORDSWORTH. 

XXIX. CONCLUSION, He prayeth well, who loveth well Both man, and bird, and beast-- He prayeth best, who loveth best All things both great and small; For the dear God who loveth us, He made and loveth all. 

 COLERIDGE. 

LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS

 _FROM OIL PAINTINGS BY_ _CHARLES MARTIN HARDIE_, _R. S. A. _ONE OF THE DUKE'S HUNTSMEN _Frontispiece_MANSIE'S SHOP DOOR _Title-page_MANSIE'S WEDDING: THE DANCE GAED _Page_ 8THROUGH THE LIGHTED HALLMANSIE AND NANCY 24THE MINISTER'S LASSIE JESS: A 40BLUE-EYED LASSIE OF A SERVINGMAIDMANSIE'S FATHER 56REV. MR WIGGIE 72THE FIRST DAY I GOT MY 104REGIMENTALS ONTHOMAS BURLINGS: ELDER 136MUNGO GLEN 184JAMES BATTER, MOSTLY BLINDED IN 216BOTH HIS EYES, LOOKING FOR OURNAME IN THE BOOK OF MARTYRSCOUNTRY LASSIES BLEACHING THEIR 248SNOW-WHITE LINENTHE WAITING GIRL, JEANIE AMOS 264PETER FARREL 280AN OLD DALKEITH BODY 312THE LAZY CORNER, DALKEITH 344

 * * * * *

 The sun rises bright in France, And fair sets he; But he has tint the blithe blink he had In my ain countree. 

 ALLAN CUNNINGHAM. 

CHAPTER ONE--IN THE TIME OF MY GRANDFATHER

Some of the rich houses and great folk pretend to have histories of theauncientness of their families, which they can count back on theirfingers almost to the days of Noah's ark, and King Fergus the First; butwhatever may spunk out after on this point, I am free to confess, with asafe conscience, in the meantime, that it is not in my power to come upwithin sight of them; having never seen or heard tell of anybody in ourconnexion, further back than auld granfaither, that I mind of when aladdie; and who it behoves to have belonged by birthright to some parishor other; but where-away, gude kens. James Batter mostly blinded bothhis eyes, looking all last winter for one of our name in the Book ofMartyrs, to make us proud of; but his search, I am free to confess, worsethan failed--as the only man of the name he could find out was a SergeantJacob Wauch, that lost his lug and his left arm, fighting like a RussianTurk against the godly, at the bloody battle of the Pentland Hills. 

Auld granfaither died when I was a growing callant, some seven or eightyears old; yet I mind him full well; it being a curious thing how earlysuch matters take hold of one's memory. He was a straught, tall, oldman, with a shining bell-pow, and reverend white locks hanging down abouthis haffets; a Roman nose, and two cheeks blooming through the winter ofhis long age like roses, when, poor body, he was sand-blind withinfirmity. In his latter days he was hardly able to crawl about alone;but used to sit resting himself on the truff seat before our door, leaning forward his head on his staff, and finding a kind of pleasure infeeling the beams of God's own sun beaking on him. A blackbird, that hehad tamed, hung above his head in a whand-cage of my father's making; andhe had taken a pride in learning it to whistle two three turns of his ownfavourite sang, "Oure the water to Charlie. "

I recollect, as well as yesterday, that, on the Sundays, he wore a braidbannet with a red worsted cherry on the top of it; and had asingle-breasted coat, square in the tails, of light Gilmerton blue, withplaited white buttons, bigger than crown pieces. His waistcoat was lowin the neck, and had flap pouches, wherein he kept his mull for rappee, and his tobacco-box. To look at him, with his rig-and-fur Shetland hosepulled up over his knees, and his big glancing buckles in his shoon, sitting at our door-cheek, clean and tidy as he was kept, was just as ifone of the ancient patriarchs had been left on earth, to let succeedingsurvivors witness a picture of hoary and venerable eld. Poor body, manya bit Gibraltar-rock and gingerbread did he give to me, as he would patme on the head, and prophesy I would be a great man yet; and sing me bitsof old songs about the bloody times of the Rebellion, and Prince Charlie. There was nothing that I liked so well as to hear him set a-going withhis auld-warld stories and lilts; though my mother used sometimes to say, "Wheest, granfaither, ye ken it's no canny to let out a word of thaethings; let byganes be byganes, and forgotten. " He never liked to givetrouble, so a rebuke of this kind would put a tether to his tongue for awee; but, when we were left by ourselves, I used aye to egg him on totell me what he had come through in his far-away travels beyond the broadseas; and of the famous battles he had seen and shed his precious bloodin; for his pinkie was hacked off by a dragoon of Cornel Gardener's, downby at Prestonpans, and he had catched a bullet with his ankle over in thenorth at Culloden. So it was no wonder that he liked to crack aboutthese times, though they had brought him muckle and no little mischief, having obliged him to skulk like another Cain among the Highland hillsand heather, for many a long month and day, homeless and hungry. Notdauring to be seen in his own country, where his head would have beenchacked off like a sybo, he took leg-bail in a ship over the sea, amongthe Dutch folk; where he followed out his lawful trade of a cooper, making girrs for the herring barrels and so on; and sending, when hecould find time and opportunity, such savings from his wages as he couldafford, for the maintenance of his wife and small family of threehelpless weans, that he had been obligated to leave, dowie and destitute, at their native home of pleasant Dalkeith. 

At long and last, when the breeze had blown over, and the feverish pulseof the country began to grow calm and cool, auld granfaither took alonging to see his native land; and though not free of jeopardy fromking's cutters on the sea, and from spies on shore, he risked his neckover in a sloop from Rotterdam to Aberlady, that came across with avaluable cargo of smuggled gin. When granfaither had been obliged totake the wings of flight for the preservation of his life and liberty, myfather was a wean at grannie's breast: so, by her fending--for she was acanny industrious body, and kept a bit shop, in the which she soldoatmeal and red herrings, needles and prins, potatoes and tape, andcabbage, and what not--he had grown a strapping laddie of eleven ortwelve, helping his two sisters, one of whom perished of the measles inthe dear year, to go errands, chap sand, carry water, and keep the housieclean. I have heard him say, when auld granfaither came to their door atthe dead of night, tirling, like a thief of darkness, at the window-brodto get in, that he was so altered in his voice and lingo that no livingsoul kenned him, not even the wife of his bosom; so he had to put granniein mind of things that had happened between them, before she would allowmy father to lift the sneck, or draw the bar. Many and many a year, forgude kens how long after, I have heard tell, that his speech was soDutchified as to be scarcely kenspeckle to a Scotch European; but Natureis powerful, and, in the course of time, he came in the upshot to gatherhis words together like a Christian. 

Of my auntie Bell, that, as I have just said, died of the measles in thedear year, at the age of fourteen, I have no story to tell but one, andthat a short one, though not without a sprinkling of interest. 

Among her other ways of doing, grannie kept a cow, and sold the milkround about to the neighbours in a pitcher, whiles carried by my father, and whiles by my aunties, at the ransom of a halfpenny the mutchkin. Well, ye observe, that the cow ran yeild, and it was as plain as peasethat she was with calf:--Geordie Drouth, the horse-doctor, could havemade solemn affidavy on that head. So they waited on, and better waitedon for the prowie's calfing, keeping it upon draff and oat-strae in thebyre; till one morning every thing seemed in a fair way, and my auntieBell was set out to keep watch and ward. 

Some of her companions, however, chancing to come by, took her out to theback of the house to have a game at the pallall; and, in the interim, Donald Bogie, the tinkler from Yetholm, came and left his little jackassin the byre, while he was selling about his crockery of cups and saucers, and brown plates, on the old one, through the town, in two creels. 

In the middle of auntie Bell's game, she heard an unco noise in the byre;and, knowing that she had neglected her charge, she ran round the gable, and opened the door in a great hurry; when, seeing the beastie, shepulled it to again, and fleeing, half out of breath, into the kitchencried, --"Come away, come away, mother, as fast as ye can. Eh, lyst, thecow's cauffed, --and it's a cuddie!"

CHAPTER TWO--MY OWN FATHER

My own father, that is to say, auld Mansie Wauch with regard to myself, but young Mansie with reference to my granfather after having run theerrands, and done his best to grannie during his early years, was, at theage of thirteen, as I have heard him tell, bound a prentice to the weavertrade which from that day and date, for better for worse, he, prosecutedto the hour of his death:--I should rather have said to within afortnight of it, for he lay for that time in the mortal fever, that cutthrough the thread of his existence. Alas! as Job says, "How time flieslike a weaver's shuttle!"

He was a tall, thin, lowering man, blackaviced, and something in thephysog like myself, though scarcely so weel-faured; with a kind ofblueness about his chin, as if his beard grew of that colour--which Iscarcely think it would do--but might arise either from the dust of theblue cloth, constantly flying about the shop, taking a rest there, orfrom his having a custom of giving it a rub now and then with his fingerand thumb, both of which were dyed of that colour, as well as his apron, from rubbing against, and handling the webs of checkit claith in theloom. 

Ill would it become me, I trust a dutiful son, to say that my father wasany thing but a decent, industrious, hard-working man, doing everythingfor the good of his family, and winning the respect of all that knew thevalue of his worth. As to his decency, few--very few indeed--laidbeneath the mools of Dalkeith kirkyard, made their beds there, leaving abetter name behind them; and as to industry, it is but little to say thathe toiled the very flesh off his bones, driving the shuttle from Mondaymorning till Saturday night, from the rising up of the sun, even to thegoing down thereof; and whiles, when opportunity led him, or occasionrequired, digging and delving away at the bit kail-yard, till moon andstars were in the lift, and the dews of heaven that fell on his head, were like the oil that flowed from Aaron's beard, even to the skirts ofhis garment. But what will ye say there? Some are born with a silverspoon in their mouths, and others with a parritch-stick. Of the latterwas my father; for, with all his fechting, he never was able much morethan to keep our heads above the ocean of debt. Whatever was denied him, a kind Providence, howsoever, enabled him to do that; and so he departedthis life contented, leaving to my mother and me, the two survivors, theprideful remembrance of being, respectively, she the widow, and me theson, of an honest man. Some left with twenty thousand cannot boast asmuch; so every one has their comforts. 

 [Picture: Mansie's wedding]

Having never entered much into public life, further than attending thekirk twice every Sabbath--and thrice when there was evening service--thedays of my father glided over like the waters of a deep river that makelittle noise in their course; so I do not know whether to lament or torejoice at having almost nothing to record of him. Had Buonaparte aslittle ill to account for, it would be well this day for him:--but, loshme! I had almost skipped over his wedding. 

In the five-and-twentieth year of his age, he had fallen in love with mymother, Marion Laverock, at the christening of a neighbour's bairn, wherethey both happened to forgather; little, I daresay, jealousing, at thetime their eyes first met, that fate had destined them for a pair, and tobe the honoured parents of me, their only bairn. Seeing my father'sheart was catched as in the net of the fowler, she took every lawfulmeans, such as adding another knot to her cockernony, putting up her hairin screw curls, and so on, to follow up her advantage; the result of allwhich was, that, after three months' courtship, she wrote a letter out toher friends at Loanhead, telling them of what was more than likely tohappen, and giving a kind invitation to such of them as might think itworth their whiles to come in and be spectators of the ceremony. --And aprime day I am told they had of it, having, by advice of more than one, consented to make it a penny wedding; and hiring Deacon Laurie'smalt-barn at five shillings, for the express purpose. 

Many yet living, among whom James Batter, who was the best-man, andDuncan Imrie, the heelcutter in the Flesh-Market Close, are still aboveboard to bear solemn testimony to the grandness of the occasion, and theuncountable numerousness of the company, with such a display ofmutton-broth, swimming thick with raisins, --and roasted jiggets oflamb, --to say nothing of mashed turnips and champed potatoes, --as had notbeen seen in the wide parish of Dalkeith in the memory of man. It wasnot only my father's bridal day, but it brought many a lad and lasstogether by way of partners at foursome reels and Hieland jigs, whosecourtship did not end in smoke, couple above couple dating the day oftheir happiness from that famous forgathering. There were no less thanthree fiddlers, two of them blind with the small-pox, and one naturally;and a piper with his drone and chanter, playing as many pibrochs as wouldhave deaved a mill-happer, --all skirling, scraping, and bumming awaythroughither, the whole afternoon and night, and keeping half thecountryside dancing, capering, and cutting, in strathspey step and quicktime, as if they were without a weary, or had not a bone in their bodies. In the days of darkness, the whole concern would have been imputed tomagic and glamour; and douce folk, finding how they were transgressingover their usual bounds, would have looked about them for the wooden pinthat auld Michael Scott the warlock drave in behind the door, leaving thefamily to dance themselves to death at their leisure. 

Had the business ended in dancing, so far well, for a sound sleep wouldhave brought a blithe wakening, and all be tight and right again; but, alas and alackaday! the violent heat and fume of foment they were allthrown into, caused the emptying of so many ale-tankers, and theswallowing of so muckle toddy, by way of cooling and refreshing thecompany, that they all got as fou as the Baltic; and many ploys, thatshall be nameless, were the result of a sober ceremony, whereby two douceand decent people, Mansie Wauch, my honoured father, and Marion Laverock, my respected mother, were linked thegither, for better for worse, in thelawful bonds of honest wedlock. 

It seems as if Providence, reserving every thing famous and remarkablefor me, allowed little or nothing of consequence to happen to my father, who had few cruiks in his lot; at least I never learned, either from himor any other body, of any adventures likely seriously to interest theworld at large. I have heard tell, indeed, that he once got a terriblefright by taking the bounty, during the American war, from an Eirishcorporal, of the name of Dochart O'Flaucherty, at Dalkeith Fair, when hewas at his prenticeship; he, not being accustomed to malt-liquor, havinggot fouish and frisky--which was not his natural disposition--over a halfa bottle of porter. From this it will easily be seen, in the firstplace, that it would be with a fight that his master would get him off, by obliging the corporal to take back the trepan money; in the secondplace, how long a date back it is since the Eirish began to be the deathof us; and, in conclusion, that my honoured faither got such a fleg, asto spain him effectually, for the space of ten years, from everydrinkable stronger than good spring-well water. Let the unwary takecaution; and may this be a wholesome lesson to all whom it may concern. 

In this family history it becomes me, as an honest man, to make passingmention of my father's sister, auntie Mysie, that married a carpenter andundertaker in the town of Jedburgh; and who, in the course of nature andindustry, came to be in a prosperous and thriving way; indeed, so muchso, as to be raised from the rank of a private head of a family; and atlast elected, by a majority of two votes over a famous cow-doctor, amember of the town-council itself. 

There is a good story, howsoever, connected with this business, withwhich I shall make myself free to wind up this somewhat fusty andfushionless chapter. 

Well, ye see, some great lord, --I forget his name, but no matter, --thathad made a most tremendous sum of money, either by foul or fair means, among the blacks in the East Indies, had returned, before he died, to layhis bones at home, as yellow as a Limerick glove, and as rich as Dives inthe New Testament. He kept flunkies with plush small-clothes andsky-blue coats with scarlet-velvet cuffs and collars, --lived like aprincie, and settled, as I said before, in the neighbourhood of Jedburgh. 

The body, though as brown as a toad's back, was as prideful and full ofpower as old King Nebuchadneisher; and how to exhibit all his purple andfine linen, he aye thought and better thought, till at last the happydetermination came over his mind like a flash of lightning, to invite thebailies, deacons, and town-council, all in a body, to come and dine withhim. 

Save us! what a brushing of coats, such a switching of stoury trowsers, and bleaching of white cotton stockings, as took place before thecatastrophe of the feast, never before happened since Jeddert was aburgh. Some of them that were forward and geyan bold in the spirit, crowed aloud for joy, at being able to boast that they had received aninvitation letter to dine with a great lord; while others as proud aspeacocks of the honour, yet not very sure as to their being up to thetrade of behaving themselves at the tables of the great, were mostly dungstupid with not knowing what to think. A council meeting or two was heldin the gloamings, to take such a serious business into consideration;some expressing their fears and inward down-sinking, while others cheeredthem up with a fillip of pleasant consolation. Scarcely a word of thematter, for which they were summoned together by the town-officer--andwhich was about the mending of the old bell-rope--was discussed by any ofthem. So after a sowd of toddy was swallowed, with the hopes of makingthem brave men, and good soldiers of the magistracy, they all plucked upa proud spirit, and do or die, determined to march in a body up to thegate, and forward to the table of his lordship. 

My uncle, who had been one of the ringleaders of the chicken-hearted, crap away up among the rest, with his new blue coat on, shining freshfrom the ironing of the goose, but keeping well among the thick, to be aslittle kenspeckle as possible; for all the folk of the town were at theirdoors and windows to witness the great occasion of the town-council goinga way up like gentlemen of rank to take their dinner with his lordship. That it was a terrible trial to all cannot be for a moment denied; yetsome of them behaved themselves decently; and, if we confess that otherstrembled in the knees, as if they were marching to a field of battle, itwas all in the course of human nature. 

Yet ye would wonder how they came on by degrees; and, to cut a long taleshort, at length found themselves in a great big room, like a palace in afairy tale, full of grand pictures with gold frames, and looking-glasseslike the side of a house, where they could see down to their very shoes. For a while they were like men in a dream, perfectly dazzled anddumfoundered; and it was five minutes before they could either see aseat, or think of sitting down. With the reflection of thelooking-glasses, one of the bailies was so possessed within himself, thathe tried to chair himself where chair was none, and landed, not verysoftly, on the carpet; while another of the deacons, a fat and dumpy man, as he was trying to make a bow, and throw out his leg behind him, stramped on a favourite Newfoundland dog's tail, that, wakening out ofits slumbers with a yell that made the roof ring, played drive against myuncle, who was standing abaft, and wheeled him like a butterfly, sideforemost, against a table with a heap of flowers on it, where, in tryingto kep himself, he drove his head, like a battering-ram, through alooking-glass, and bleached back on his hands and feet on the carpet. 

Seeing what had happened, they were all frightened; but his lordship, after laughing heartily, was politer, and knew better about manners thanall that; so, bidding the flunkies hurry away with the fragments of thechina jugs and jars, they found themselves, sweating with terror andvexation, ranged along silk settees, cracking about the weather and otherwonderfuls. 

Such a dinner! the fume of it went round about their hearts like myrrhand frankincense. The landlord took the head of the table, the bailiesthe right and left of him; the deacons and councillors were ranged alongthe sides, like files of soldiers; and the chaplain at the foot saidgrace. It is entirely out of the power of man to set down on paper allthat they got to eat and drink; and such was the effect of Frenchcookery, that they did not know fish from flesh. Howsoever, for allthat, they laid their lugs in every thing that lay before them, and whatthey could not eat with forks they supped with spoons; so it was all toone purpose. 

When the dishes were removing, each had a large blue glass bowl full ofwater, and a clean calendered red damask towel, put down by a smartflunkie before him; and many of them that had not helped themselves wellto the wine, while they were eating their steaks and French frigassees, were now vexed to death on that score, imagining that nothing remainedfor them, but to dight their nebs and flee up. 

Ignorant folk should not judge rashly, and the worthy town-council werehere in error; for their surmises, however feasible, did the landlordwrong. In a minute they had fresh wine decanters ranged down beforethem, filled with liquors of all variety of colours, red, green, andblue; and the table was covered with dishes full of jargonelles andpippins, raisins and almonds, shell-walnuts and plumdamases, withnut-crackers, and everything else they could think of eating; so that, after drinking "The King, and long life to him, " and "The constitution ofthe country at home and abroad, " and "Success to trade, " and "A goodharvest, " and "May ne'er waur be among us, " and "Botheration to theFrench, " and "Corny toes and short shoes to the foes of old Scotland, "and so on, their tongues began at length not to be so tacked; and theweight of their own dignity, that had taken flight before his lordship, came back and rested on their shoulders. 

In the course of the evening, his lordship whispered to one of theflunkies to bring in some things--they could not hear what--as thecompany might like them. The wise ones thought within themselves thatthe best aye comes hindmost; so in brushed a powdered valet, with threedishes on his arm of twisted black things, just like sticks ofGibraltar-rock, but different in the colour. 

Bailie Bowie helped himself to a jargonelle, and Deacon Purves to a wheenraisins; and my uncle, to show that he was not frighted, and knew what hewas about, helped himself to one of the long black things, which, withoutmuch ceremony, he shoved into his mouth and began to. Two or three more, seeing that my uncle was up to trap, followed his example, and chewedaway like nine-year-olds. 

Instead of the curious-looking black thing being sweet as honey--for sothey expected--they soon found they had catched a Tartar; for it had aconfounded bitter tobacco-taste. Manners, however, forbade them layingit down again, more especially as his lordship, like a man dumfoundered, was aye keeping his eye on them. So away they chewed, and better chewed, and whammelled them round in their mouths, first in one cheek, and thenin the other, taking now and then a mouthful of drink to wash the trashdown, then chewing away again, and syne another whammel from one cheek tothe other, and syne another mouthful, while the whole time their eyeswere staring in their heads like mad, and the faces they made may beimagined, but cannot be described. His lordship gave his eyes a rub, andthought he was dreaming; but no--there they were bodily, chewing, andwhammelling, and making faces; so no wonder that, in keeping in hislaugh, he sprung a button from his waistcoat, and was like to drop downfrom his chair, through the floor, in an ecstacy of astonishment, seeingthey were all growing sea-sick, and pale as stucco images. 

Frightened out of his wits at last that he would be the death of thewhole council, and that more of them would poison themselves, he took upone of the segars--every one knows segars now, for they are fashionableamong the very sweeps--which he lighted at the candle, and commencedpuffing like a tobacco-pipe. 

My uncle and the rest, if they were ill before, were worse now; so whenthey got to the open air, instead of growing better, they grew sicker andsicker, till they were waggling from side to side like ships in a storm;and, not knowing whether their heels or heads were uppermost, wentspinning round about like pieries. 

"A little spark may make muckle wark. " It is perfectly wonderful whatgreat events spring out of trifles, or what seem to common eyes buttrifles. I do not allude to the nine days' deadly sickness, that was thelegacy of every one that ate his segar, but to the awful truth, that, atthe next election of councillors, my poor uncle Jamie was completelyblackballed--a general spite having been taken to him in the town-hall, on account of having led the magistracy wrong, by doing what he ought tohave let alone, thereby making himself and the rest a topic of amusementto the world at large, for many and many a month. 

Others, to be sure, it becomes me to make mention, have another versionof the story, and impute the cause of his having been turned out to theimplacable wrath of old Bailie Bogie, whose best black coat, square inthe tails, that he had worn only on the Sundays for nine years, wastotally spoiled, on their way home in the dark from his lordship's, by atremendous blash, that my unfortunate uncle happened, in the course ofnature, to let flee in the frenzy of a deadly upthrowing. 

CHAPTER THREE--THE COMING INTO THE WORLD OF MANSIE WAUCH

I have no distinct recollection of the thing myself, yet there is everyreason to believe that I was born on the 15th of October 1765, in thatlittle house standing by itself, not many yards from the eastmost side ofthe Flesh-market Gate, Dalkeith. My eyes opened on the light about twoo'clock in a dark and rainy morning. Long was it spoken about thatsomething great and mysterious would happen on that dreary night; as thecat, after washing her face, went mewing about, with her tail sweeingbehind her like a ramrod; and a corbie, from the Duke's woods, tumbleddown Jamie Elder's lum, when he had set the little still-a-going--givingthem a terrible fright, as they all took it first for the devil, and thenfor an exciseman--and fell with a great cloud of soot, and a loudskraigh, into the empty kail-pot. 

The first thing that I have any clear memory of, was my being carried outon my auntie's shoulder, with a leather cap tied under my chin, to seethe Fair Race. Oh! but it was a grand sight! I have read since then thestory of Aladdin's Wonderful Lamp, but this beat it all to sticks. Therewas a long row of tables covered with carpets of bonny patterns, heapedfrom one end to the other with shoes of every kind and size, some withpolished soles, and some glittering with sparribles and cuddy-heels; andlittle red worsted boots for bairns, with blue and white edgings, hanginglike strings of flowers up the posts at each end;--and then what acollection of luggies! the whole meal in the market-sacks on a Thursdaydid not seem able to fill them;--and horn-spoons, green and blackfreckled, with shanks clear as amber, --and timber caups, --and ivoryegg-cups of every pattern. Have a care of us! all the eggs in Smeatondairy might have found resting places for their doups in a row. As forthe gingerbread, I shall not attempt a description. Sixpenny andshilling cakes, in paper, tied with skinie; and roundabouts, and snaps, brown and white quality, and parliaments, on stands covered withcalendered linen, clean from the fold. To pass it was just impossible;it set my teeth a-watering, and I skirled like mad, until I had a gildedlady thrust into my little nieve; the which, after admiring for a minute, I applied my teeth to, and of the head I made no bones; so that in lessthan no time she had vanished, petticoats and all, no trace of her beingto the fore, save and except long treacly daubs, extending east and westfrom ear to ear, and north and south from cape neb of the nose to theextremity of beardy-land. 

But what, of all things, attracted my attention on that memorable day, was the show of cows, sheep, and horses, mooing, baaing and neighering;and the race--that was best! Od, what a sight!--we were jammed in thecrowd of old wives, with their toys and shining ribands; and carter lads, with their blue bonnets; and young wenches, carrying home their fairingsin napkins, as muckle as would hold their teeth going for a month;--therescarcely could be much for love, when there was so much for thestomach;--and men, with wooden legs, and brass virls at the end of them, playing on the fiddle, --and a bear that roared, and danced on its hindfeet, with a muzzled mouth, --and Punch and Polly, --and puppie-shows, andmore than I can tell, --when up came the horses to the starting-post. Ishall never forget the bonny dresses of the riders. One had a napkintied round his head, with the flaps fleeing at his neck; and hiscoat-tails were curled up into a big hump behind; it was so tightbuttoned ye would not think he could have breathed. His corduroytrowsers (such like as I have often since made to growing callants) weretied round his ankles with a string; and he had a rusty spur on one shoe, which I saw a man take off to lend him. Save us! how he pulled thebeast's head by the bridle, and flapped up and down on the saddle when hetried a canter! The second one had on a black velvet hunting-cap, andhis coat stripped. I wonder he was not feared of cold, his shirt beinglike a riddle, and his nether nankeens but thin for such weather; but hewas a brave lad; and sorry were the folks for him, when he fell off intaking over sharp a turn, by which old Pullen, the bell-ringer, who washolding the post, was made to coup the creels, and got a bloodynose. --And but the last was a wearyful one! He was all life, and as glegas an eel. Up and down he went; and up and down philandered the beast onits hind-legs and its fore-legs, funking like mad; yet though he was notabove thirteen, or fourteen at most, he did not cry out for help morethan five or six times, but grippit at the mane with one hand, and at theback of the saddle with the other, till daft Robie, the hostler at thestables, claught hold of the beast by the head, and off they set. Theyoung birkie had neither hat nor shoon, but he did not spare the stick;round and round they flew like mad. Ye would have thought their eyeswould have loupen out; and loudly all the crowds were hurraing, whenyoung hatless came up foremost, standing in the stirrups, the long stickbetween his teeth, and his white hair fleeing behind him in the wind likestreamers on a frosty night. 

CHAPTER FOUR--CALF-LOVE

The long and the short is, that I was sent to school, where I learned toread and spell, making great progress in the Single and Mother'sCarritch. No, what is more, few could fickle me in the Bible, beingmostly able to spell it all over, save the second of Ezra and the seventhof Nehemiah, which the Dominie himself could never read through twice inthe same way, or without variations. 

My father, to whom I was born, like Isaac to Abraham, in his old age, wasan elder in the Relief Kirk, respected by all for his canny and doucebehaviour, and, as I have observed before, a weaver to his trade. Thecot and the kail-yard were his own, and had been auld granfaither's; butstill he had to ply the shuttle from Monday to Saturday, to keep allright and tight. The thrums were a perquisite of my own, which Iniffered with the gundy-wife for Gibraltar-rock, cut-throat, gib, orbull's-eyes. 

 [Picture: Mansie and Nancy]

Having come into the world before my time, and being of a pale face anddelicate make, Nature never could have intended me for the naval ormilitary line, or for any robustious trade or profession whatsoever. No, no, I never liked fighting in my life; peace was aye in my thoughts. When there was any riot in the streets, I fled, and scougged myself atthe chimney-lug as quickly as I dowed; and, rather than double a nieve toa school-fellow, I pocketed many shabby epithets, got my paiks, and tookthe coucher's blow from laddies that could hardly reach up to mywaistband. 

Just after I was put to my prenticeship, having made free choice of thetailoring trade, I had a terrible stound of calf-love. Never shall Iforget it. I was growing up, long and lank as a willow-wand. Brawns tomy legs there were none, as my trowsers of other years too visiblyeffected to show. The long yellow hair hung down like a flax-wig, thelength of my lantern jaws, which looked, notwithstanding my yapness andstiff appetite, as if eating and they had broken up acquaintanceship. Myblue jacket seemed in the sleeves to have picked a quarrel with thewrists, and had retreated to a tait below the elbows. Thehaunch-buttons, on the contrary, appeared to have taken a strong likingto the shoulders, a little below which they showed their tarnishedbrightness. At the middle of the back the tails terminated, leaving thewell-worn rear of my corduroys, like a full moon seen through a darkhaze. Oh! but I must have been a bonny lad. 

My first flame was the minister's lassie, Jess, a buxom and forwardquean, two or three years older than myself. I used to sit looking ather in the kirk, and felt a droll confusion when our eyes met. It dirledthrough my heart like a dart, and I looked down at my psalm-book sheepishand blushing. Fain would I have spoken to her, but it would not do; mycourage aye failed me at the pinch, though she whiles gave me a smilewhen she passed me. She used to go to the well every night with her twostoups, to draw water after the manner of the Israelites at gloaming; soI thought of watching to give her the two apples which I had carried inmy pocket for more than a week for that purpose. How she started when Istappit them into her hand, and brushed by without speaking! I stood atthe bottom of the close listening, and heard her laughing till she waslike to split. My heart flap-flappit in my breast like a pair offanners. It was a moment of heavenly hope; but I saw Jamie Coom, theblacksmith, who I aye jealoused was my rival, coming down to the well. Isaw her give him one of the apples; and, hearing him say, with a loudgaffaw, "Where is the tailor?" I took to my heels, and never stoppedtill I found myself on the little stool by the fireside, and the hamelysound of my mother's wheel bum-bumming in my lug, like a gentle lullaby. 

Every noise I heard flustered me, but I calmed in time, though I went tomy bed without my supper. When I was driving out the gaislings to thegrass on the next morn, who was it my ill fate to meet but theblacksmith. "Ou, Mansie, " said Jamie Coom, "are ye gaun to take me foryour best man? I hear you are to be cried in the kirk on Sunday?"

"Me!" answered I, shaking and staring. 

"Yes!" said he; "Jess the minister's maid told me last night, that youhad been giving up your name at the manse. Ay, it's ower true--for sheshowed me the apples ye gied her in a present. This is a bonny story, Mansie, my man, and you only at your prenticeship yet. "

Terror and despair had struck me dumb. I stood as still and as stiff asa web of buckram. My tongue was tied, and I could not contradict him. Jamie folded his arms, and went away whistling, turning every now andthen his sooty face over his shoulder, and mostly sticking his tune, ashe could not keep his mouth screwed for laughing. What would I not havegiven to have laughed too!

There was no time to be lost; this was the Saturday. The next rising sunwould shine on the Sabbath. Ah, what a case I was in! I could mostlyhave drowned myself, had I not been frighted. What could I do? My lovehad vanished like lightning; but oh, I was in a terrible gliff! Insteadof gundy, I sold my thrums to Mrs Walnut for a penny, with which I boughtat the counter a sheet of paper and a pen; so that in the afternoon Iwrote out a letter to the minister, telling him what I had been given tohear, and begging him, for the sake of mercy, not to believe Jess's word, as I was not able to keep a wife, and as she was a leeing gipsy. 

CHAPTER FIVE--CURSECOWL

But, losh me! I have come on too far already, before mentioning awonderful thing that happened to me when I was only seven years old. Fewthings in my eventful life have made a deeper impression on me than whatI am going to relate. 

It was the custom, in those times, for the different schools to havecock-fighting on Fastern's E'en: and the victor, as he was called, treated the other scholars to a football. Many a dust have I seen riseout of that business--broken shins and broken heads, sore bones and soundduckings--but this was none of these. 

Our next neighbour was a flesher; and right before the window was a largestone, on which old wives with their weans would sometimes take a rest;so what does I, when I saw the whole hobble-shaw coming fleeing down thestreet, with the kick-ba' at their noses, but up I speels upon the stone(I was a wee chap with a daidley, a ruffled shirt, and leather cap edgedwith rabbit fur) that I might see all the fun. This one fell, and thatone fell, and a third was knocked over and a fourth got a bloody nose:and so on; and there was such a noise and din, as would have deaved theworkmen of Babel--when, lo! and behold! the ball played bounce mostly atmy feet, and the whole mob after it. I thought I should have been dungto pieces; so I pressed myself back with all my might, and through wentmy elbow into Cursecowl's kitchen. It did not stick long there. Beforeyou could say Jack Robinson, out flew the flesher in his killing-clothes;his face was as red as fire, and he had his pouch full of bloody knivesbuckled to his side. I skreighed out in his face when I looked at him, but he did not stop a moment for that. With a girn that was like to rivehis mouth, he twisted his nieve in the back of my hair, and off with mehanging by the cuff of the neck, like a kittling. My eyes were like toloup out of my head, but I had no breath to cry. I heard him thraw thekey, for I could not look down, the skin of my face was pulled so tight;and in he flang me like a pair of old boots into his booth, where Ilanded on my knees upon a raw bloody calf's skin. I thought I would havegone out of my wits, when I heard the door locked upon me, and lookedround me in such an unearthly place. It had only one sparred window, andthere was a garden behind; but how was I to get out? I danced round andround about, stamping my heels on the floor, and rubbing my begrittenface with my coat sleeve. To make matters worse, it was wearing to thedarkening. The floor was all covered with lappered blood, and sheep andcalf skins. The calves and the sheep themselves, with their cuttitthroats, and glazed een, and ghastly girning faces, were hanging about onpins, heels uppermost. Losh me! I thought on Bluebeard and his wives inthe bloody chamber!

And all the time it was growing darker and darker, and more dreary; andall was as quiet as death itself. It looked, by all the world, like agrave, and me buried alive within it; till the rottens came out of theirholes to lick the blood, and whisked about like wee evil spirits. Ithought on my father and my mother, and how I should never see them more;for I was sure that Cursecowl would come in the dark, tie my hands andfeet thegither, and lay me across the killing-stool. I grew more andmore frightened; and it grew more and more dark. I thought all thesheep-heads were looking at one another, and then girn-girning at me. Atlast I grew desperate; and my hair was as stiff as wire, though it was aswet as if I had been douking in the Esk. I began to bite through thewooden spars with my teeth, and rugged at them with my nails, till theywere like to come off--but no, it would not do. At length, when I hadgreeted myself mostly blind, and cried till I was as hoarse as a corbie, I saw auld Janet Hogg taking in her bit washing from the bushes, and Ireeled and screamed till she heard me. --It was like being transportedinto heaven; for, in less than no time, my mother, with her apron at hereyes, was at the door; and Cursecowl, with a candle in the front of hishat, had scarcely thrawn the key, when out I flew; and she lifted up herfoot (I dare say it was the first and last time in her life, for she wasa douce woman) and gave him such a kick and a push that he played bleachover, head foremost, without being able to recover himself; and, as weran down the close, we heard him cursing and swearing in the dark, like adevil incarnate. 

CHAPTER SIX--MANSIE WAUCH ON THE PUSHING OF HIS FORTUNE

The days of the years of my prenticeship having glided cannily over onthe working-board of my respected maister, James Hosey, where I satsewing cross-legged like a busy bee, in the true spirit of industriouscontentment, I found myself, at the end of the seven year, so wellinstructed in the tailoring trade, to which I had paid a near-sightedattention, that, without more ado, I girt myself round about with a prouddetermination of at once cutting my mother's apron string, and venturingto go without a hold. Thinks I to myself, "faint heart never won fairlady"; so, taking my stick in my hand, I set out towards Edinburgh, asbrave as a Highlander, in search of a journeyman's place. When I thinkhow many have been out of bread, month after month, making vainapplication at the house of call, I may set it down to an especialProvidence, that I found a place, on the very first day, to my heart'scontent, in by at the Grassmarket, where I stayed for the space of sixcalendar months. 

Had it not been from a real sense of the duty I owed to my futureemployers, whomsoever they might be, in making myself a first-rate handin the cutting, shaping, and sewing line, I would not have found couragein my breast to have helped me out through such a long and dreary time. The change from our own town, where every face was friendly, and where Icould ken every man I saw, by the cut of his coat, at half a mile'sdistance, to the bum and bustle of the High Street, the tremendouscannons of the Castle, packed full of soldiers ready for war, and thefilthy, ill-smelling abominations of the Cowgate, where I put up, wasalmost more than could be tholed by man of woman born. My lodging was upsix pair of stairs, in a room of Widow Randie's, which I rented forhalf-a-crown a week, coals included; and many a time, after putting outmy candle, before stepping into my bed, I used to look out at the window, where I could see thousands and thousands of lamps, spreading for milesadown streets and through squares, where I did not know a living soul;and dreeing the awful and insignificant sense of being a lonely strangerin a foreign land. Then would the memory of past days return to me; yetI had the same trust in Heaven as I had before, seeing that they were thedividual stars above my head which I used to glour up at in wonder atDalkeith--pleasant Dalkeith! ay, how different, with its bonny river Esk, its gardens full of gooseberry bushes and pear-trees, its grass parksspotted with sheep, and its grand green woods, from the bullyingblackguards, the comfortless reek, and the nasty gutters of theNetherbow. 

To those, nevertheless, that take the world as they find it, there arepleasures in all situations; nor was mine, bad though I allow it to be, entirely destitute of them; for our work-room being at the top of thestairs, and the light of heaven coming down through skylights, three innumber, we could, by putting out our heads, have a vizzy of the grandancient building of George Heriot's Hospital, with the crowds of youngladdies playing through the grass parks, with their bit brown coaties, and shining leather caps, like a wheen puddocks; and all the sweetcountry out by Barrowmuirhead, and thereaway; together with theCorstorphine Hills--and the Braid Hills--and the Pentland Hills--and allthe rest of the hills, covered here and there with tufts of bloomingwhins, as yellow as the beaten gold--spotted round about their bottomswith green trees, and growing corn, but with tops as bare as agaberlunzie's coat--kepping the rowling clouds on their awful shoulderson cold and misty days; and freckled over with the flowers of the purpleheather, on which the shy moorfowl take a delight to fatten and filltheir craps, through the cosy months of the blythe summer time. 

Let nobody take it amiss, yet I must bear witness to the truth, thoughthe devil should have me. My heart was sea-sick of Edinburgh folk andtown manners, for the which I had no stomach. I could form no friendlyacquaintanceship with a living soul; so I abode by myself, like St Johnin the Isle of Patmos, on spare allowance, making a sheep-head serve mefor three day's kitchen. I longed like a sailor that has been far atsea, and wasted and weatherbeaten, to see once more my native home; and, bundling up, flee from the noisy stramash to the loun dykeside ofdomestic privacy. Everything around me seemed to smell of sin andpollution, like the garments of the Egyptians with the ten plagues; andoften, after I took off my clothes to lie down in my bed, when thewatchmen that guarded us through the night in blue dreadnoughts with rednecks, and battons, and horn-bouets, from thieves, murderers, andpickpockets, were bawling, "Half-past ten o'clock, " did I commune with myown heart, and think within myself, that I would rather be a sober, poor, honest man in the country, able to clear my day and way by the help ofProvidence, than the Provost himself, my lord though he be, or even theMayor of London, with his velvet gown trailing for yards in the glaurbehind him--do what he likes to keep it up; or riding about thestreets--as Joey Smith the Yorkshire Jockey, to whom I made a huntingcap, told me--in a coach made of clear crystal, and wheels of the beatengold. 

It was an awful business; dog on it, I ay wonder yet how I got throughwith it. There was no rest for soul or body, by night or day, withpolice-officers crying, "One o'clock, an' a frosty morning, " knockingEirishmen's teeth down their throats with their battons, hauling limmersby the lug and horn into the lock-up house, or over by to Bridewell, where they were set to beat hemp for a small wage, and got their headsshaved; with carters bawling, "Ye yo, yellow sand, yellow sand, " withmouths as wide as a barn-door, and voices that made the drums of yourears dirl, and ring again like mad; with fishwives from Newhaven, Cockenzie, and Fisherrow, skirling, "Roug-a-rug, warstling herring, " asif every one was trying to drown out her neighbour, till the verylandladies, at the top of the seventeen story houses, could hear, if theyliked to be fashed, and might come down at their leisure to buy them atthree for a penny; men from Barnton, and thereaway on the QueensferryRoad, halloing "Sour douk, sour douk"; tinklers skirmishing the edges ofbrown plates they were trying to make the old wives buy--and what not. To me it was a real hell upon earth. 

Never let us repine, howsomever, but consider that all is ordered for thebest. The sons of the patriarch Jacob found out their brother Joseph ina foreign land, and where they least expected it; so it was here--evenhere, where my heart was sickening unto death, from my daily and nightlythoughts being as bitter as gall--that I fell in with the greatestblessing of my life, Nanse Cromie!

In the flat below our workshop lived Mrs Whitteraick, the wife of MrWhitteraick, a dealer in hens and hams in the poultry market, that hadbeen fallen in with, when her gudeman was riding out on his bit sheltiein the Lauder direction, bargaining with the farmers for their ducks, chickens, gaislings, geese, turkey-pouts, howtowdies, guinea-hens, andother barn-door fowls; and, among his other calls, having happened tomake a transaction with her father, anent some Anchovy-ducks, he, by awarm invitation, was kindly pressed to remain for the night. 

The upshot of the business was, that, on mounting his pony to make thebest of his way home, next morning after breakfast, Maister Whitteraickfound he was shot through the heart with a stound of love; and that, unless a suitable remedy could be got, there was no hope for him on thisside of time, let alone blowing out his brains, or standing before theminister. Right it was in him to run the risk of deciding on the last;and so well did he play his game, that, in two months from that date, after sending sundry presents on his part to the family, of smeaked hamsand salt tongues--acknowledged on theirs, by return of carrier, in theshape of sucking pigs, jargonelle pears, skim-milk cheeses, and suchlike--matters were soldered; and Miss Jeanie Learig, made into MrsWhitteraick by the blessing of Dr Blether, rode away into Edinburgh in apost-chaise, with a brown and a black horse, one blind and the otherlame, seated cheek-by-jowl with her loving spouse, who, doubtless wasbusked out in his best, with a Manchester superfine blue coat, and doublegilt buttons, a waterproof hat, silk stockings, with open-steek gushats, and bright yellow shamoy gloves. 

A stranger among strangers, and not knowing how she might thole thecompany and conversation of town-life, Mrs Whitteraick, that was to be, hired a bit wench of a lassie from the neighbourhood, that was to followher, come the term. And who think ye should this lassie be, but NanseCromie--afterwards, in the course of a kind Providence, the honoured wifeof my bosom, and the mother of bonny Benjie. 

In going up and down the stairs--it being a common entry, ye observe--memaybe going down with my everyday hat on to my dinner, and she coming up, carrying a stoup of water, or half-a-pound of pouthered butter on aplate, with a piece paper thrown over it--we frequently met half-way, andhad to stand still to let one another pass. Nothing came out of theseforegatherings, howsomever, for a month or two, she being as shy andmodest as she was bonny, with her clean demity short-gown, and snow-whitemorning mutch, to say nothing of her cheery mouth, and her glancing eyes;and me unco douffie, in making up to strangers. We could not help, nevertheless, to take aye a stolen look of each other in passing; and Iwas a gone man, bewitched out of my seven senses, falling from myclothes, losing my stomach, and over the lugs in love, three weeks andsome odd days before ever a single syllable passed between us. 

Gude kens how long this Quaker-meeting-like silence would have continued, had we not chanced to foregather one gloaming; and I, having gotten adram from one of our customers with a hump-back, at the Crosscausey, whose fashionable new coat I had been out fitting on, found myself asbrave as a Bengal tiger, and said to her, "This is a fine day, I say, mydear Nancy. "

The ice being once broken, every thing went on as smoothly as ye like;so, in the long run, we went like lightning from twohanded cracks on thestair-head, to stown walks, after work-hours, out by the West Port, andthereaway. 

If ever a man loved, and loved like mad, it was me, Mansie Wauch--and Itake no shame in the confession; but, knowing it all in the course ofnature, declare it openly and courageously in the face of the wide world. Let them laugh who like; honest folk, I pity them; such know not thepleasures of virtuous affection. It is not in corrupted, sinful heartsthat the fire of true love can ever burn clear. Alas, and ohon orie!they lose the sweetest, completest, dearest, truest pleasure that thisworld has in store for its children. They know not the bliss to meet, that makes the embrace of separation bitter. They never dreamed thedreams that make wakening to the morning light unpleasant. They neverfelt the raptures that can dirl like darts through a man's soul from awoman's eye. They never tasted the honey that dwells on a woman's lip, sweeter than yellow marygolds to the bee; or fretted under the fever ofbliss that glows through the frame in pressing the hand of a suddenlymet, and fluttering sweetheart. But tuts-tuts--hech-how! my day has longsince passed: and this is stuff to drop from the lips of an auld fool. Nevertheless, forgive me, friends: I cannot help all-powerful nature. 

 [Picture: The minister's lassie Jess]

Nanse's taste being like my own, we amused one another in abusing greatcities, which are all chokeful of the abominations of the Scarlet Woman;and it is curious how soon I learned to be up to trap--I mean in anhonest way; for, when she said she was wearying the very heart out of herto be home again to Lauder, which she said was her native, and the trueland of Goshen, I spoke back to her by way of answer--"Nancy, my dear, believe me that the real land of Goshen is out at Dalkeith; and if ye'lltake up house with me, and enter into a way of doing, I daursay in awhile, ye'll come to think so too. "

What will ye say there? Matters were by-and-by settled full tosh betweenus; and, though the means of both parties were small, we were young, andable and willing to help one another. Nanse, out of her wages, hadhained a trifle; and I had, safe lodged under lock-and-key in the Bank ofScotland, against the time of my setting up, the siller which was got byselling the bit house of granfaither's, on the death of myever-to-be-lamented mother, who survived her helpmate only six months, leaving me an orphan lad in a wicked world, obliged to fend, forage andlook out for myself. 

Taking matters into account, therefore, and considering that it is notgood for man to be alone, Nanse and me laid our heads together towardsthe taking a bit house in the fore-street of Dalkeith; and at our leisurekept a look-out about buying the plenishing--the expense of which, fordifferent littles and littles, amounted to more than we expected; yet, toour hearts' content, we made some most famous second-hand bargains ofsprechery, amongst the old-furniture warehousemen of the Cowgate. Imight put down here the prices of the room-grate, the bachelor's oven, the cheese-toaster, and the warming-pan, especially, which, though it hada wheen holes in it, kept a fine polish; but, somehow or other, have lostthe receipt and cannot make true affidavy. 

Certain it is, whatever cadgers may say to the contrary, that the back isaye made for the burden; and, were all to use the means, and beindustrious, many, that wyte bad harvests, and worse times, would have, like the miller in the auld sang, "A penny in the purse for dinner andfor supper, " or better to finish the verse, "Gin ye please a guid fatcheese, and lumps of yellow butter. "

For two three days, I must confess, after Maister Wiggie had gone throughthe ceremony of tying us together, and Nanse and me found ourselves inthe comfortable situation of man and wife, I was a wee dowie anddesponding, thinking that we were to have a numerous small family, andwhere trade was to come from; but no sooner was my sign nailed up, withfour iron hold-fasts, by Johnny Hammer, painted in black letters on ablue ground, with a picture of a jacket on one side and a pair of shearson the other, --and my shop-door opened to the public, with a wheenready-made waistcoats, gallowses, leather-caps, and Kilmarnock cowls, hung up at the window, than business flowed in upon us in a perfecttorrent. First one came in for his measure, and then another. A wifecame in for a pair of red worsted boots for her bairn, but would not takethem for they had not blue fringes. A bareheaded lassie, hoping to behandsel, threw down twopence, and asked tape at three yards for ahalfpenny. The minister sent an old black coat beneath his maid's arm, pinned up in a towel, to get docked in the tails down into a jacket;which I trust I did to his entire satisfaction, making it fit to a hair. The Duke's butler himself patronized me, by sending me a coat which wasall hair-powder and pomate, to get a new neck put to it. And JamesBatter, aye a staunch friend of the family, dispatched a barefoot cripplelassie down the close to me, with a brown paper parcel, tied with skinie, and having a memorandum letter sewed on the top of it, and wafered with awafer. It ran as follows; "Maister Batter has sent down, per the bearer, with his compliments to Mr Wauch, a cuttikin of corduroy, deficient inthe instep, which please let out, as required. Maister Wauch will alsoplease be so good as observe that three of the buttons have sprung thethorls, which he will be obliged to him to replace, at his earliestconvenience. Please send me a message what they may be; and have theaccount made out, article for article, and duly discharged, that I maysend down the bearer with the change; and to bring me back the cuttikinand the account, to save time and trouble. I am, dear sir, your mostobedient friend, and ever most sincerely, "JAMES BATTER. "

No wonder than we attracted customers, for our sign was the prettiest yeever saw, though the jacket was not just so neatly painted, as for somesand-blind creatures not to take it for a goose. I daresay there werefifty half-naked bairns glowring their eyes out of their heads at it, from morning till night; and, after they all were gone to their beds, both Nanse and me found ourselves so proud of our new situation in life, that we slipped out in the dark by ourselves, and had a prime look at itwith a lantern. 

CHAPTER SEVEN--MANSIE WAUCH AND HIS FOREWARNING

On first commencing business, I have freely confessed, I believe, that Iwas unco solicitous of custom, though less from sinful, selfish motives, than from the, I trust, laudable fear I had about becoming in a jiffy thefather of a small family, every one with a mouth to fill and a back tocleid--helpless bairns, with nothing to look to or lean on, save andexcept the proceeds of my daily handiwork. Nothing, however, is sure inthis world, as Maister Wiggie more than once took occasion to observe, when lecturing on the house built by the foolish man on the sea-sands;for months passed on, and better passed on; and these, added together bysimple addition, amounted to three years; and still neither word norwittens of a family, to perpetuate our name to future generations, appeared to be forthcoming. 

Between friends, I make no secret of the matter, that this was acatastrophe which vexed me not a little, for more reasons than one. Inthe first place, youngsters being a bond of mutual affection between manand wife, sweeter than honey from the comb, and stronger than the Romancement with which the old Picts built their bridges, that will last tillthe day of doom. In the second place, bairns toddling round a bit inglemake a house look like itself, especially in the winter time, whenhailstanes rattle on the window, and winds roar like the voices of mightygiants at the lum-head; for then the maister of the dwelling findshimself like an ancient patriarch, and the shepherd of a flock, tender asyoung lambs, yet pleasant to his eye, and dear to his heart. And, in thethird place (for I'll speak the truth and shame the deil) as I could notthole the gibes and idle tongues of a wheen fools that, for theirdiversion, would be asking me, "How the wife and bairns were; and if Ihad sent my auldest laddie to the school yet?"

I have swithered within myself for more than half-an-hour, whether Ishould relate a circumstance bordering a little on the supernatural line, that happened to me, as connected with the business of the bairns ofwhich I have just been speaking; and, were it for no other reason, butjust to plague the scoffer that sits in his elbow-chair, I havedetermined to jot down the whole miraculous paraphernally in black andwhite. With folk that will not listen to the voice of reason, it isneedless to be wasterful of words; so them that like, may either printheir faith to my coat-sleeve, about what I am going to relate, ornot--just as they choose. All that I can say in my defence, and as anaffidavy to my veracity, is that I have been thirty year an elder ofMaister Wiggie's kirk--and that is no joke. The matter I make free toconsider is not a laughing concern, nor anything belonging to theMerry-Andrew line; and, if folk were but strong in the faith, there is nosaying what may come to pass for their good. One might as well hold uptheir brazen face, and pretend not to believe any thing--neither theWitch of Endor raising up Samuel; nor Cornel Gardener's vision; norJohnny Wilkes and the De'il; nor Peden's prophecies. 

Nanse and me aye made what they call an anniversary of our wedding-day, which happened to be the fifth of November, the very same as that onwhich the Gunpowder Plot chances to be occasionally held--Sundaysexcepted. According to custom, this being the fourth year, we collecteda good few friends to a tea-drinking; and had our cracks and a glass ortwo of toddy. Thomas Burlings, if I mind, was there, and his wife; andDeacon Paunch, he was a bachelor; and likewise James Batter; and DavidSawdust and his wife, and their four bairns, good customers; and a wheenmore, that, without telling a lie, I could not venture to particularizeat this moment, though maybe I may mind them when I am not wanting--butno matter. Well, as I was saying, after they all went away, and Nanseand me, after locking the door, slipped to our bed, I had one of the mostmiraculous dreams recorded in the history of man; more especially if wetake into consideration where, when, and to whom it happened. 

At first I thought I was sitting by the fireside, where the cat and thekittling were playing with a mouse they had catched in the meal-kit, cracking with James Batter on check-reels for yarn, and the cleverest wayof winding pirns, when, all at once, I thought myself transplanted backto the auld world--forgetting the tailoring-trade; broad and narrowcloth; worsted boots and Kilmarnock cowls; pleasant Dalkeith; our lateyearly ploy; my kith and kindred; the friends of the people; the Duke'sparks; and so on--and found myself walking beneath beautiful trees, fromthe branches of which hung apples, and oranges, and cocky-nuts, and figs, and raisins, and plumdamases, and corry-danders, and more than the tongueof man can tell, while all the birds and beasts seemed as tame as ourbantings; in fact, just as they were in the days of Adam and Eve--Bengaltigers passing by on this hand, and Russian bears on that, rowingthemselves on the grass, out of fun; while peacocks, and magpies, andparrots, and cockytoos, and yorlins, and grey-linties, and all birds ofsweet voice and fair feather, sported among the woods, as if they hadnothing to do but sit and sing in the sweet sunshine, having dreadneither of the net of the fowler, the double-barrelled gun of thegamekeeper, nor the laddies' girn set with moorlings of bread. It wasreal paradise; and I found myself fairly lifted off my feet andtransported out of my seven senses. 

While sauntering about at my leisure, with my Sunday hat on, and a pairof clean white cotton stockings, in this heavenly mood, under the greentrees, and beside the still waters, out of which beautiful salmon troutswere sporting and leaping, methought in a moment I fell down in a trance, as flat as a flounder, and I heard a voice visibly saying to me, "Thoushalt have a son; let him be christened Benjamin!" The joy that thisvision brought my spirit thrilled through my bones, like the sounds of ablind man grinding "Rule Britannia" out of an organ, and my sensesvanished from me into a kind of slumber, on rousing from which I thoughtI found myself walking, all dressed, with powdered hair, and a long tyebehind, just like a grand gentleman, with a valuable bamboo walking-stickin my hand, among green yerbs and flowers, like an auncient hermit faraway among the hills, at the back of beyont; as if broad cloth andbuckram had never been heard tell of, and serge, twist, pocket-linings, and shamoy leather, were matters with which mortal man had no concern. 

Speak of auld-light or new-light as ye like, for my own part I am notmuch taken up with any of your warlock and wizard tribe; I have no brewof your auld Major Weir, or Tam o' Shanter, or Michael Scott, or Thomasthe Rhymer's kind, knocking in pins behind doors to make decent folkdance, jig, cut, and shuffle themselves to death--splitting the hills asye would spelder a haddy, and playing all manner of evil pranks, andsinful abominations, till their crafty maister, Auld Nick, puts them totheir mettle, by setting them to twine ropes out of sea-sand, and suchlike. I like none of your paternosters, and saying of prayers backwards, or drawing lines with chalk round ye, before crying, "Redcowl, redcowl, come if ye daur; Lift the sneck, and draw the bar. "

I never, in the whole course of my life, was fond of lending the sanctionof my countenance to any thing that was not canny; and, even when I was awee smout of a callant, with my jacket and trowsers buttoned all in one, I never would play, on Hallo'-'een night, at anything else but doukingfor apples, burning nuts, pulling kail-runts, foul water and clean, drapping the egg, or trying who was to be your sweetheart out of thelucky-bag. 

As I have often thought, and sometimes taken occasion to observe, itwould be well for us all to profit by experience--"burned bairns shoulddread the fire, " as the proverb goes. After the miserable catastrophe ofthe playhouse, for instance--which I shall afterwards have occasion tocommemorate in due time, and in a subsequent chapter of my eventfullife--I would have been worse than mad, had I persisted, night afternight, to pay my shilling for a veesy of vagrants in buckram, and limmersin silk, parading away at no allowance--as kings and queens, with theirtale--speaking havers that only fools have throats wide enough toswallow, and giving themselves airs to which they have no more earthlytitle than the man in the moon. I say nothing, besides, of theirthrowing glamour in honest folks een; but I'll not deny that I have beentold by them who would not lie, and were living witnesses of thetransaction, that, as true as death, they had seen the tane of thesene'er-do-weels spit the other, through and through, with aweel-sharpened, old, Highland, forty-second Andrew Ferrary, in singlecombat; whereupon, as might reasonably be expected, he would, in thetwinkling of a farthing rushlight, fall down as dead as a bag of sand;yet, by their rictum-ticktum, rise-up-Jack, slight-of-hand, hocus-pocusway, would be on his legs, brushing the stour from his breeches knees, before the green curtain was half-way down. James Batter himself oncetold me, that, when he was a laddie, he saw one of these clanjamphrey goin behind the scenes with nankeen trowsers, a blue coat out at theelbows, and fair hair hanging over his ears, and in less than no time, come out a real negro, as black as Robinson Crusoe's man Friday, with ajacket on his back of Macgregor tartan, and as good a pair of buckskinbreeches as jockey ever mounted horse in at a Newmarket race. Where thesilk stockings were wrought, and the Jerusalem sandals made, that he hadon his feet, James Batter used doucely to observe he would leave everyreasonable man to guess at a venture. 

A good story not being the worse of being twice told, I repeat it overagain, that I would have been worse than daft, after the precious warningit was my fortune to get, to have sanctioned such places with mypresence, in spite of the remonstrances of my conscience--and of MaisterWiggie--and of the kirk-session. Whenever any thing is carried on out ofthe course of nature, especially when accompanied with dancing andsinging, toot-tooing of clarionets, and bumming of bass-fiddles, ye maybe as sure as you are born, that ye run a chance of being deluded out ofyour right senses--that the sounds are by way of lulling the soulasleep--and that, to the certainty of a without-a-doubt, you are in theheat and heart of one of the devil's rendevooses. 

To say no more, I was once myself, for example, at one of our Dalkeithfairs, present in a hay-loft--I think they charged threepence at thedoor, but let me in with a grudge for twopence, but no matter--to see apunch and puppie-show business, and other slight-of-hand work. Well, thevery moment I put my neb within the door, I was visibly convinced of thesmell of burnt roset, with, which I understand they make lightning, andknew, as well as maybe, what they had been trafficking about with theirblack art; but, nevertheless, having a stout heart, I determined to sitstill, and see what they would make of it, knowing well enough, that, aslong as I had the Psalm-book in my pocket, they would be gay and cleverto throw any of their blasted cantrips over me. 

What do ye think they did? One of them, a wauf, drucken-lookingscoundrel, fired a gold ring over the window, and mostly set fire to thethatch house opposite--which was not insured. Yet where think ye did thering go to? With my living een I saw it taken out of auld WillieTurneep's waistcoat pouch, who was sitting blind fou, with his mouthopen, on one of the back seats; so, by no earthly possibility could ithave got there, except by whizzing round the gable, and in through thesteeked door by the key-hole. 

Folk may say what they chuse by way of apology, but I neither like norunderstand such on-going as changing sterling silver half-crowns intocopper penny-pieces, or mending a man's coat--as they did mine, aftercutting a blad out of one of the tails--by the black-art. 

But, hout-tout, one thing and another coming across me, had almost cleanmade me forget explaining to the world, the upshot of my extraordinaryvision; but better late than never--and now for it. 

Nanse, on finding herself in a certain way, was a thought dumfoundered;and instead of laughing, as she did at first, when I told her my dream, she soon came to regard the matter as one of sober earnest. The veryprospect of what was to happen threw a gleam of comfort round our bitfireside; and, long ere the day had come about which was to crown ourexpectations, Nanse was prepared with her bit stock of baby's wearingapparel, and all necessaries appertaining thereto--wee little mutcheswith lace borders, and side-knots of blue three-ha'penny ribbon--longmuslin frockies, vandyked across the breast, drawn round the waist withnarrow nittings and tucked five rows about the tail--Welsh-flannelpetticoaties--demity wrappers--a coral gumstick, and other uncos, whichit does not befit the like of me to particularize. I trust, on my part, as far as in me lay, I was not found wanting; having taken care toprovide a famous Dunlop cheese, at fivepence-halfpenny the pound--Ibelieve I paled fifteen, in Joseph Gowdy's shop, before I fixed onit;--to say nothing of a bottle, or maybe two, of real peat-reek, Farintosh, small-still Hieland whisky--Glenlivat, I think, is the nameo't--half a peck of shortbread, baken by Thomas Burlings, with threepounds of butter, and two ounces of carvie-seeds in it, let aloneorange-peel, and a pennyworth of ground cinnamon--half a mutchkin of bestcony brandy, by way of change--and a Musselburgh ankerstoke, to slicedown for tea-drinkings and posset cups. 

Everyone has reason to be thankful, and me among the rest; for many aworse provided for, and less welcome down-lying has taken place, time outof mind, throughout broad Scotland. I say this with a warm heart, as Iam grateful for my all mercies. To hundreds above hundreds such acatastrophe brings scarcely any joy at all; but it was far different withme, who had a Benjamin to look for. 

If the reader will be so kind as to look over the next chapter, he willfind whether or not I was disappointed in my expectations. 

CHAPTER EIGHT--LETTING LODGINGS

It would be curious if I passed over a remarkable incident, which at thistime fell out. Being but new beginners in the world, the wife and I putour heads constantly together to contrive for our forward advancement, asit is the bounden duty of all to do. So our housie being rather large(two rooms and a kitchen, not speaking of the coal-cellar and ahen-house, ) and having as yet only the expectation of a family, wethought we could not do better than get John Varnish the painter, to dooff a small ticket, with "A Furnished Room to Let" on it, which we nailedout at the window; having collected into it the choicest of ourfurniture, that it might fit a genteeler lodger and produce a betterrent--And a lodger soon we got. 

Dog on it! I think I see him yet. He was a blackaviced Englishman, withcurled whiskers and a powdered pow, stout round the waistband, and fondof good eating, let alone drinking, as we found to our cost. Well, hewas our first lodger. We sought a good price, that we might, onbargaining, have the merit of coming down a tait; but no, no--go away wi'ye; it was dog-cheap to him. The half-guinea a-week was judged perfectlymoderate; but if all his debts were--yet I must not cut before the cloth. 

Hang expenses! was the order of the day. Ham and eggs for breakfast, letalone our currant jelly. Roast-mutton cold, and strong ale at twelve, byway of check, to keep away wind from the stomach. Smoking roast-beef, with scraped horse raddish, at four precisely; and toasted cheese, punch, and porter, for supper. It would have been less, had all the things beenwithin ourselves. Nothing had we but the cauler new-laid eggs; thenthere was Deacon Heukbane's butcher's account; and John Cony's spiritaccount; and Thomas Burlings' bap account; and deevil kens how many moreaccounts, that came all in upon us afterwards. But the crowning of allwas reserved for the end. It was no farce at the time, and kept ourheads down at the water edge for many a day. I was just driving the hotgoose along the seams of a Sunday jacket I was finishing for Thomas Clodthe ploughman, when the Englisher came in at the shop door, whistling"Robert Adair, " and "Scots wha ha'e wi' Wallace bled, " and whiles, maybe, churming to himself like a young blackbird;--but I have not patience togo through with it. The long and the short of the matter, however, was, that, after rummaging among my two or three webs of broadcloth on theshelf, he pitched on a Manchester blue, five quarters wide, markedCXD. XF, which is to say, three-and-twenty shillings the yard. I told himit was impossible to make a pair of pantaloons to him in two hours; buthe insisted upon having them, alive or dead, as he had to go down thesame afternoon to dine with my Lord Duke, no less. I convinced him, thatif I was to sit up all night, he could get them by five next morning, ifthat would do, as I would keep my laddie, Tammy Bodkin, out of his bed;but no--I thought he would have jumped out of his seven senses. "Justlook, " he said, turning up the inside seam of the leg--"just see--can anygentleman make a visit in such things as these? they are as full of holesas a coal-sieve. I wonder the devil why my baggage has not come forward. Can I get a horse and boy to ride express to Edinburgh for a ready-madearticle?"

 [Picture: Mansie's father]

A thought struck me; for I had heard of wonderful advancement in theworld, for those who had been so lucky as help the great at a pinch. "Ifye'll no take it amiss, sir, " said I, making my obedience, "a notion hasjust struck me. "

"Well, what is it?" said he briskly. 

"Well, sir, I have a pair of knee-breeches, of most famous velveteen, double tweel, which have been only once on my legs, and that no farthergone than last Sabbath. I'm pretty sure they would fit ye in themeantime; and I would just take a pleasure in driving the needle allnight, to get your own ready. "

"A clever thought, " said the Englisher. "Do you think they would fitme?--Devilish clever thought, indeed. "

"To a hair, " I answered; and cried to Nanse to bring the velveteens. 

I do not think he was ten minutes, when lo, and behold! out at the doorhe went, and away past the shop-window like a lamplighter. The buttonson the velveteens were glittering like gold at the knees. Alas! it waslike the flash of the setting sun; I never beheld them more. He was tohave been back in two or three hours, but the laddie, with the box on hisshoulder, was going through the street crying "Hot penny-pies" forsupper, and neither word nor wittens of him. I began to be a thoughtuneasy, and fidgeted on the board like a hen on a hot girdle. No manshould do anything when he is vexed, but I could not help giving TammyBodkin, who was sewing away at the lining of the new pantaloons, aterrible whisk in the lug for singing to himself. I say I was vexed forit afterwards; especially as the laddie did not mean to give offence; andas I saw the blae marks of my four fingers along his chaft-blade. 

The wife had been bothering me for a new gown, on strength of the paymentof our grand bill; and in came she, at this blessed moment of time, withabout twenty swatches from Simeon Calicoe's pinned on a screed of paper. 

"Which of these do you think bonniest?" said Nanse, in a flattering way;"I ken, Mansie, you have a good taste. "

"Cut not before the cloth, " answered I, "gudewife, " with a wise shake ofmy head. "It'll be time enough, I daresay, to make your choiceto-morrow. "

Nanse went out as if her nose had been blooding. I could thole it nolonger; so, buttoning my breeches-knees, I threw my cowl into a corner, clapped my hat on my head, and away down in full birr to the Duke's gate. 

I speired at the porter, if the gentleman with the velveteen breeches andpowdered hair, that was dining with the Duke, had come up the avenue yet?

"Velveteen breeches and powdered hair!" said auld Paul laughing, andtaking the pipe out of his cheek, "whose butler is't that ye're after?"

"Well, " said I to him, "I see it all as plain as a pikestaff. He is offbodily; but may the meat and the drink he has taken off us be like drogsto his inside; and may the velveteens play crack, and cast the steeks atevery step he takes!" It was no Christian wish; and Paul laughed till hewas like to burst, at my expense. "Gang your ways hame, Mansie, " said heto me, clapping me on the shoulder as if I had been a wean, "and giveover setting traps, for ye see you have catched a Tartar. "

This was too much; first to be cheated by a swindling loon, and then madegame of by a flunkie; and, in my desperation, I determined to do someawful thing. 

Nanse followed me in from the door, and asked what news?--I was ower big, and ower vexed to hear her; so, never letting on, I went to the littlelooking-glass on the drawers' head, and set it down on the table. Then Ilooked myself in it for a moment, and made a gruesome face. Syne Ipulled out the little drawer, and got the sharping strap, the which Ifastened to my button. Syne I took my razor from the box, and gave itfive or six turns along first one side and then the other, with greatprecision. Syne I tried the edge of it along the flat of my hand. SyneI loosed my neckcloth, and laid it over the back of the chair; and syne Itook out the button of my shirt neck, and folded it back. Nanse, whowas, all time, standing behind, looking what I was after, asked me, "if Iwas going to shave without hot water?" when I said to her in a fierce andbrave manner, (which was very cruel, considering the way she was in, )"I'll let you see that presently. " The razor looked desperate sharp; andI never liked the sight of blood; but oh, I was in a terrible flurry andfermentation. A kind of cold trembling went through me; and I thought itbest to tell Nanse what I was going to do, that she might be somethingprepared for it. "Fare ye well, my dear!" said I to her, "you will be awidow in five minutes--for here goes!" I did not think she could havemustered so much courage, but she sprang at me like a tiger; and, throwing the razor into the ass-hole, took me round the neck, and criedlike a bairn. First she was seized with a fit of the hystericks, andthen with her pains. It was a serious time for us both, and no joke; formy heart smote me for my sin and cruelty. But I did my best to make upfor it. I ran up and down like mad for the Howdie, and at last broughther trotting along with me by the lug. I could not stand it. I shutmyself up in the shop with Tammy Bodkin, like Daniel in the lions' den;and every now and then opened the door to spier what news. Oh, but myheart was like to break with anxiety! I paced up and down, and to andfro, with my Kilmarnock on my head, and my hands in my breeches pockets, like a man out of Bedlam. I thought it would never be over; but, at thesecond hour of the morning, I heard a wee squeel, and knew that I was afather; and so proud was I, that notwithstanding our loss, LuckyBringthereout and me whanged away at the cheese and bread, and drank sobriskly at the whisky and foot-yill, that, when she tried to rise and goaway, she could not stir a foot. So Tammy and I had to oxter her outbetween us, and deliver the howdie herself--safe in at her own door. 

CHAPTER NINE--BENJIE'S CHRISTENING

At the christening of our only bairn, Benjie, two or three remarkablecircumstances occurred, which it behoves me to relate. 

It was on a cold November afternoon; and really when the bit room was allredd up, the fire bleezing away, and the candles lighted, every thinglooked full tosh and comfortable. It was a real pleasure, after lookingout into the drift that was fleeing like mad from the east, to turn one'sneb inwards, and think that we had a civilized home to comfort us in thedreary season. So, one after another, the bit party we had invited tothe ceremony came papping in; and the crack began to get loud and hearty;for, to speak the truth, we were blessed with canny friends, and a goodneighbourhood. Notwithstanding, it was very curious, that I had no mindof asking down James Batter, the weaver, honest man, though he was one ofour own elders; and in papped James, just when the company had haffinsmet, with his stocking-sleeves on his arms, his nightcap on his head, andhis blue-stained apron hanging down before him, to light his pipe at ourfire. 

James, when he saw his mistake, was fain to make his retreat; but wewould not hear tell of it, till he came in, and took a dram out of thebottle, as we told him the not doing so would spoil the wean's beauty, which is an old freak, (the small-pox, however, afterwards did that;) so, with much persuasion, he took a chair for a gliff, and began with some ofhis drolls--for he is a clever, humoursome man, as ye ever met with. Buthe had now got far on with his jests, when lo! a rap came to the door, and Mysie whipped away the bottle under her apron, saying, "Wheesht, wheesht, for the sake of gudeness, there's the minister!"

The room had only one door, and James mistook it, running his head, forlack of knowledge, into the open closet, just as the minister lifted theouter-door sneck. We were all now sitting on nettles, for we werefrighted that James would be seized with a cough, for he was a weeasthmatic; or that some, knowing there was a thief in the pantry, mighthurt good manners by breaking out into a giggle. However, all for aconsiderable time was quiet, and the ceremony was performed; littleNancy, our niece, handing the bairn upon my arm to receive its name. So, we thought, as the minister seldom made a long stay on similar occasions, that all would pass off well enough--But wait a wee. 

There was but one of our company that had not cast up, to wit, DeaconPaunch, the flesher, a most worthy man, but tremendously big, and grownto the very heels; as was once seen on a wager, that his ankle wasgreater than my brans. It was really a pain to all feeling Christians, to see the worthy man waigling about, being, when weighed in his ownscales, two-and-twenty stone ten ounces, Dutch weight. Honest man, hehad had a sore fecht with the wind and the sleet, and he came in with ashawl roppined round his neck, peching like a broken-winded horse; sofain was he to find a rest for his weary carcass in our stuffed chintzpattern elbow-chair by the fire cheek. 

From the soughing of wind at the window, and the rattling in the lum, itwas clear to all manner of comprehension, that the night was a dismalone; so the minister, seeing so many of his own douce folk about him, thought he might do worse than volunteer to sit still, and try our toddy:indeed, we would have pressed him before this to do so; but what was tocome of James Batter, who was shut up in the closet, like the spies inthe house of Rahab, the harlot, in the city of Jericho?

James began to find it was a bad business; and having been driving theshuttle about from before daylight, he was fain to cruik his hough, andfelt round about him quietly in the dark for a chair to sit down upon, since better might not be. But, wae's me! the cat was soon out of thepock. 

Me and the minister were just argle-bargling some few words on thedoctrine of the camel and the eye of the needle, when, in the midst ofour discourse, as all was wheesht and attentive, an awful thud was heardin the closet, which gave the minister, who thought the house had fallendown, such a start, that his very wig louped for a full three-eighths offhis crown. I say we were needcessitated to let the cat out of the pockfor two reasons; firstly, because we did not know what had happened; and, secondly, to quiet the minister's fears, decent man, for he was a weenervous. So we made a hearty laugh of it, as well as we could, andopened the door to bid James Batter come out, as we confessed all. Easier said than done, howsoever. When we pulled open the door, and tookforward one of the candles, there was James doubled up, sticking twofoldlike a rotten in a sneck-trap, in an old chair, the bottom of which hadgone down before him, and which, for some craize about it, had been putout of the way by Nanse, that no accident might happen. Save us! if thedeacon had sate down upon it, pity on our brick-floor. 

Well, after some ado, we got James, who was more frighted than hurt, hauled out of his hidy-hole; and after lifting off his cowl, and sleekingdown his front hair, he took a seat beside us, apologeezing for not beingin his Sunday's garb, the which the minister, who was a free and easyman, declared there was no occasion for, and begged him to make himselfcomfortable. 

Well, passing over that business, Mr Wiggie and me entered into ourhumours, for the drappikie was beginning to tell on my noddle, and makeme somewhat venturesome--not to say that I was not a little proud to havethe minister in my bit housie; so, says I to him in a cosh way, "Ye maybelieve me or no, Mr Wiggie, but mair than me think ye out of sight thebest preacher in the parish--nane of them, Mr Wiggie; can hold the candleto ye, man. "

"Weesht, weesht, " said the body, in rather a cold way that I did notexpect, knowing him to be as proud as a peacock--"I daresay I am justlike my neighbours. "

This was not quite so kind--so says I to him, "Maybe, sae, for many a onethinks ye could not hold a candle to Mr Blowster the Cameronian, thatwhiles preaches at Lugton. "

This was a stramp on his corny toe. "Na, na, " answered Mr Wiggie, rathernettled; "let us drop that subject. I preach like my neighbours. Someof them may be worse, and others better; just as some of your own trademay make clothes worse, and some better, than yourself. "

My corruption was raised. "I deny that, " said I, in a brisk manner, which I was sorry for after--"I deny that, Mr Wiggie, " says I to him;"I'll make a pair of breeches with the face of clay. "

But this was only a passing breeze, during the which, howsoever, Ihappened to swallow my thimble, which accidentally slipped off my middlefinger, causing both me and the company general alarm, as there weregreat fears that it might mortify in the stomach; but it did not; andneither word nor wittens of it have been seen or heard tell of from thatto this day. So, in two or three minutes, we had some few good songs, and a round of Scotch proverbs, when the clock chapped eleven. We wereall getting, I must confess, a thought noisy; Johnny Soutter havingbroken a dram-glass, and Willie Fegs couped a bottle on the bittable-cloth; all noisy, I say, except Deacon Paunch, douce man, who hadfallen into a pleasant slumber; so, when the minister rose to take hishat, they all rose except the Deacon, whom we shook by the arms for sometime, but in vain, to waken him. His round, oily face, good creature, was just as if it had been cut out of a big turnip, it was so fat, fozy, and soft; but at last, after some ado, we succeeded, and he looked abouthim with a wild stare, opening his two red eyes, like Pandore oysters, asking what had happened; and we got him hoized up on his legs, tying theblue shawl round his bull-neck again. 

Our company had not got well out of the door, and I was priding myself inmy heart, about being landlord to such a goodly turn out, when Nanse tookme by the arm, and said, "Come, and see such an unearthly sight. " Thisstartled me, and I hesitated; but, at long and last, I went in with her, a thought alarmed at what had happened, and--my gracious!! there on theeasy-chair, was our bonny tortoise-shell cat; Tommy, with the red moroccocollar about its neck, bruised as flat as a flounder, and as dead as amawk!!!

The Deacon had sat down upon it without thinking; and the poor animal, that our neighbours' bairns used to play with, and be so fond of, wascrushed out of life without a cheep. The thing, doubtless, was notintended, but it gave Nanse and me a very sore heart. 

CHAPTER TEN--RESURRECTION MEN

About this time there arose a great sough and surmise, that some loonswere playing false with the kirkyard, howking up the bodies from theirdamp graves, and harling them away to the College. Words cannot describethe fear, and the dool, and the misery it caused. All flocked to thekirk-yett; and the friends of the newly buried stood by the mools, whichwere yet dark, and the brown newly cast divots, that had not yet takenroot, looking, with mournful faces, to descry any tokens of sinking in. 

I'll never forget it. I was standing by when three young lads tookshools, and, lifting up the truff, proceeded to houk down to the coffin, wherein they had laid the grey hairs of their mother. They looked wildand bewildered like, and the glance of their een was like that of folkout of a mad-house; and none dared in the world to have spoken to them. They did not even speak to one another; but wrought on with a greathurry, till the spades struck on the coffin lid--which was broken. Thedead-clothes were there huddled together in a nook, but the dead wasgone. I took hold of Willie Walker's arm, and looked down. There was acold sweat all over me;--losh me! but I was terribly frighted and eerie. Three more graves were opened, and all just alike; save and except thatof a wee unchristened wean, which was off bodily, coffin and all. 

There was a burst of righteous indignation throughout the parish; norwithout reason. Tell me that doctors and graduates must have the dead;but tell it not to Mansie Wauch, that our hearts must be trampled in themire of scorn, and our best feelings laughed at, in order that a bruisemay be properly plastered up, or a sore head cured. Verily, the remedyis worse than the disease. 

But what remead? It was to watch in the session-house, with loaded guns, night about, three at a time. I never liked to go into the kirkyardafter darkening, let-a-be to sit there through a long winter night, windyand rainy it may be, with none but the dead around us. Save us! it wasan unco thought, and garred all my flesh creep; but the cause wasgood--my corruption was raised--and I was determined not to be dauntened. 

I counted and counted, but the dread day at length came and I wassummoned. All the live-long afternoon, when ca'ing the needle upon theboard, I tried to whistle Jenny Nettles, Neil Gow, and other funny tunes, and whiles crooned to myself between hands; but my consternation wasvisible, and all would not do. 

It was in November; and the cold glimmering sun sank behind thePentlands. The trees had been shorn of their frail leaves, and the mistynight was closing fast in upon the dull and short day; but the candlesglittered at the shop windows, and leery-light-the-lamps was brushingabout with his ladder in his oxter, and bleezing flamboy sparking outbehind him. I felt a kind of qualm of faintness and down-sinking aboutmy heart and stomach, to the dispelling of which I took a thimbleful ofspirits, and, tying my red comforter about my neck, I marched briskly tothe session-house. A neighbour (Andrew Goldie, the pensioner) lent mehis piece, and loaded it to me. He took tent that it was only half-cock, and I wrapped a napkin round the dog-head, for it was raining. Not beingwell acquaint with guns, I kept the muzzle aye away from me; as it isevery man's duty not to throw his precious life into jeopardy. 

A furm was set before the session-house fire, which bleezed brightly, norhad I any thought that such an unearthly place could have been made tolook half so comfortable either by coal or candle; so my spirits rose upas if a weight had been taken off them, and I wondered, in my bravery, that a man like me could be afraid of anything. Nobody was there but atouzy, ragged, halflins callant of thirteen, (for I speired his age, )with a desperate dirty face, and long carroty hair, tearing a speldrinwith his teeth, which looked long and sharp enough, and throwing the skinand lugs into the fire. 

We sat for mostly an hour together, cracking the best way we could insuch a place; nor was anybody more likely to cast up. The night was nowpitmirk; the wind soughed amid the head-stones and railings of thegentry, (for we must all die, ) and the black corbies in the steeple-holescackled and crawed in a fearsome manner. All at once we heard a lonesomesound; and my heart began to play pit-pat--my skin grew all rough, like apouked chicken--and I felt as if I did not know what was the matter withme. It was only a false alarm, however, being the warning of the clock;and, in a minute or two thereafter, the bell struck ten. Oh, but it wasa lonesome and dreary sound! Every chap went through my breast like thedunt of a fore-hammer. 

Then up and spak the red-headed laddie:--"It's no fair; anither shouldhae come by this time. I wad rin awa hame, only I am frighted to gangout my lane. --Do ye think the doup of that candle wad carry i' my cap?"

"Na, na, lad; we maun bide here, as we are here now. --Leave me alane?Lord save us! and the yett lockit, and the bethrel sleeping with the keyin his breek pouches!--We canna win out now though we would, " answered I, trying to look brave, though half frightened out of my sevensenses:--"Sit down, sit down; I've baith whisky and porter wi' me. Hae, man, there's a cawker to keep your heart warm; and set down that bottle, "quoth I, wiping the saw-dust affn't with my hand, "to get a toast; I'sewarrant it for Deacon Jaffrey's best brown stout. "

 [Picture: Rev. Mr Wiggie]

The wind blew higher, and like a hurricane; the rain began to fall inperfect spouts; the auld kirk rumbled and rowed, and made a sad soughing;and the branches of the bourtree behind the house, where auld Cockburnthat cut his throat was burned, creaked and crazed in a frightful manner;but as to the roaring of the troubled waters, and the bumming in thelum-head, they were past all power of description. To make bad worse, just in the heart of the brattle, the grating sound of the yett turningon its rusty hinges was but too plainly heard. What was to be done? Ithought of our both running away; and then of our locking ourselves in, and firing through the door; but who was to pull the trigger?

Gudeness watch over us! I tremble yet when I think on it. We wereperfectly between the de'il and the deep sea--either to stand still andfire our gun, or run and be shot at. It was really a hang choice. As Istood swithering and shaking, the laddie flew to the door, and, thrawinground the key, clapped his back to it. Oh! how I looked at him, as hestood for a gliff, like a magpie hearkening with his lug cocked up, orrather like a terrier watching a rotten. "They're coming! they'recoming!" he cried out; "cock the piece, ye sumph;" while the red hairrose up from his pow like feathers; "they're coming, I hear them trampingon the gravel. " Out he stretched his arms against the wall, and brizzedhis back against the door like mad; as if he had been Samson pushing overthe pillars in the house of Dagon. "For the Lord's sake, prime the gun, "he cried out, "or our throats will be cut frae lug to lug before we cancry Jack Robison! See that there's priming in the pan. "

I did the best I could; but my whole strength could hardly lift up thepiece, which waggled to and fro like a cock's tail on a rainy day; myknees knocked against one another, and though I was resigned to die--Itrust I was resigned to die--'od, but it was a frightful thing to be outof one's bed, and to be murdered in an old session-house, at the deadhour of night, by unearthly resurrection men, or rather let me call themdeevils incarnate, wrapt up in dreadnoughts, with blacked faces, pistols, big sticks, and other deadly weapons. 

A snuff-snuffing was heard; and, through below the door, I saw a pair ofglancing black een. 'Od, but my heart nearly louped off the bit--asnouff, and a gur-gurring, and over all the plain tramp of a man's heavytackets and cuddy-heels among the gravel. Then came a great slap likethunder on the wall; and the laddie, quitting his grip, fell down, crying, "Fire, fire!--murder! holy murder!"

"Wha's there?" growled a deep rough voice; "open, I'm a freend. "

I tried to speak, but could not; something like a halfpenny roll wassticking in my throat, so I tried to cough it up, but it would not come. "Gie the pass-word then, " said the laddie, staring as if his eyes wouldloup out; "gie the pass-word!"

First came a loud whistle, and then "Copmahagen, " answered the voice. Oh! what a relief! The laddie started up, like one crazy with joy. "Ou!ou!" cried he, thrawing round the key, and rubbing his hands; "by jingo, it's the bethrel--it's the bethrel--it's auld Isaac himsell. "

First rushed in the dog, and then Isaac, with his glazed hat, slouchedover his brow, and his horn bowet glimmering by his knee. "Has theFrench landed, do ye think? Losh keep us a', " said he, with a smile onhis half-idiot face (for he was a kind of a sort of a natural, with aninfirmity in his leg), '"od sauf us, man, put by your gun. Ye dinna meanto shoot me, do ye? What are ye about here with the door lockit? I justkeepit four resurrectioners louping ower the wall. "

"Gude guide us!" I said, taking a long breath to drive the blood from myheart, and something relieved by Isaac's company--"Come now, Isaac, ye'rejust gieing us a fright. Isn't that true, Isaac?"

"Yes, I'm joking--and what for no?--but they might have been, foronything ye wad hae hindered them to the contrair, I'm thinking. Na, na, ye maunna lock the door; that's no fair play. "

When the door was put ajee, and the furm set fornent the fire, I gaveIsaac a dram to keep his heart up on such a cold stormy night. 'Od, buthe was a droll fellow, Isaac. He sung and leuch as if he had beenboozing in Luckie Thamson's, with some of his drucken cronies. Feint ahair cared he about auld kirks, or kirkyards, or vouts, orthrough-stanes, or dead folk in their winding-sheets, with the wet grassgrowing over them, and at last I began to brighten up a wee myself; sowhen he had gone over a good few funny stories, I said to him, quoth I, "Mony folk, I daresay, mak mair noise about their sitting up in akirkyard than it's a' worth. There's naething here to harm us?"

"I beg to differ wi' ye there, " answered Isaac, taking out his horn mullfrom his coat pouch, and tapping on the lid in a queer style--"I couldgie anither version of that story. Did ye no ken of three youngdoctors--Eirish students--alang with some resurrectioners, as waff andwile as themsells, firing shottie for shottie with the guard atKirkmabreck, and lodging three slugs in ane of their backs, forbye firinga ramrod through anither ane's hat?"

This was a wee alarming--"No, " quoth I; "no, Isaac, man; I never heard ofit. "

"But, let alane resurrectioners, do you no think there is sic a thing asghaists? Guide ye, man, my grannie could hae telled as muckle about themas would have filled a minister's sermons from June to January. "

"Kay--kay--that's all buff, " I said. "Are there nae cutty-stoolbusinesses--are there nae marriages going on just now, Isaac?" for I waskeen to change the subject. 

"Ye may kay--kay, as ye like, though; I can just tell ye this:--Ye'llmind auld Armstrong with the leather breeks, and the brown three-storywig--him that was the grave-digger? Weel, he saw a ghaist, wi' hisleeving een--aye, and what's better, in this very kirkyard too. It was acauld spring morning, and daylight just coming in when he came to theyett yonder, thinking to meet his man, paidling Jock--but Jock hadsleepit in, and wasna there. Weel, to the wast corner ower yonder hegaed, and throwing his coat ower a headstane, and his hat on the tap o't, he dug away with his spade, casting out the mools, and the coffinhandles, and the green banes and sic like, till he stoppit a wee to takebreath. --What! are ye whistling to yoursell?" quoth Isaac to me, "and nohearing what's God's truth?"

"Ou, ay, " said I; "but ye didna tell me if onybody was cried lastSunday?"--I would have given every farthing I had made by the needle, tohave been at that blessed time in my bed with my wife and wean. Ay, howI was gruing! I mostly chacked off my tongue in chittering. --But allwould not do. 

"Weel, speaking of ghaists--when he was resting on his spade he looked upto the steeple, to see what o'clock it was, wondering what way Jock hadnacome, when lo! and behold, in the lang diced window of the kirk yonder, he saw a lady a' in white, with her hands clasped thegither, looking outto the kirkyard at him. 

"He couldna believe his een, so he rubbit them with his sark sleeve, butshe was still there bodily; and, keeping ae ee on her, and anither on hisroad to the yett, he drew his coat and hat to him below his arm, and afflike mad, throwing the shool half a mile ahint him. Jock fand that; forhe was coming singing in at the yett, when his maister ran clean ower thetap o' him, and capsized him like a toom barrel; never stopping till hewas in at his ain house, and the door baith bolted and barred at histail. 

"Did ye ever hear the like of that, Mansie? Weel, man, I'll explain thehail history of it to ye. Ye see--'Od! how sound that callant'ssleeping, " continued Isaac; "he's snoring like a nine-year-auld!"

I was glad he had stopped, for I was like to sink through the ground withfear; but no, it would not do. 

"Dinna ye ken--sauf us! what a fearsome night this is! The trees will beall broken. What a noise in the lum! I daresay there's some auld hag ofa witch-wife gaun to come rumble doun't. It's no the first time, I'llswear. Hae ye a silver sixpence? Wad ye like that?" he bawled up thechimney. "Ye'll hae heard, " said he, "lang ago, that a wee murdered weanwas buried--didna ye hear a voice?--was buried below that corner--thehearth-stane there, where the laddie's lying on?"

I had now lost my breath, so that I could not stop him. 

"Ye never heard tell o't, didna ye? Weel, I'se tell't ye--Sauf us, whatswurls of smoke coming doun the chimley--I could swear something nocanny's stopping up the lum head--Gang out, and see!"

At that moment a clap like thunder was heard--the candle was drivenover--the sleeping laddie roared "Help!" and "Murder!" and "Thieves!"and, as the furm on which we were sitting played flee backwards, crippleIsaac bellowed out, "I'm dead!--I'm killed--shot through the head!--Oh!oh! oh!"

Surely I had fainted away; for, when I came to myself, I found my redcomforter loosed; my face all wet--Isaac rubbing down his waistcoat withhis sleeve--the laddie swigging ale out of a bicker--and the brisk brownstout, which, by casting its cork, had caused all the alarm, whizz--whizz--whizzing in the chimley lug. 

CHAPTER ELEVEN--TAFFY WITH THE PIGTAIL: SCHOOL RECOLLECTIONS

It was a clear starry night, in the blasty month of January, I mind itwell. The snow had fallen during the afternoon; or, as Benjie came incrying, that "the auld wives o' the norlan sky were plucking theirgeese"; and it continued dim and dowie till towards the gloaming, when, as the road-side labourers were dandering home from their work, some withpickaxes and others with shools, and just as our cocks and hens weregoing into their beds, poor things, the lift cleared up to a sharpfreeze, and the well-ordered stars came forth glowing over the blue sky. Between six and seven the moon rose; and I could not get my two prenticesin from the door, where they were bickering one another with snow-balls, or maybe carhailling the folk on the street in their idle wantonness; soI was obliged for that night to disappoint Edie Macfarlane of the pair ofblack spatterdashes he was so anxious to get finished, for dancing innext day, at Souple Jack the carpenter's grand penny-wedding. 

Seeing that little more good was to be expected till morning, I came tothe resolution of shutting-in half-an-hour earlier than usual; so, as Iwas carrying out the shop-shutters, with my hat over my cowl, for it wasdesperately sharp, I mostly in my hurry knocked down an old man, that wascoming up to ask me, "if I was Maister Wauch the tailor and furnisher. "

Having told him that I was myself, instead of a better; and having askedhim to step in, that I might have a glimpse of his face at the candle, Isaw that he was a stranger, dressed in a droll auld-farrant greenlivery-coat, faced with white. His waistcoat was cut in the Parly-voofashion, with long lappels, and a double row of buttons down the breast;and round his neck he had a black corded stock, such like, but not sobroad, as I afterwards wore in the volunteers, when drilling under BigSam. He had a well-worn scraper on his head, peaked before and behind, with a bit crape knotted round it, which he politely took off, making alow bow; and requesting me to bargain with him for a few articles ofgrand second-hand apparel, which once belonged to his master that wasdeceased, and which was now carried by himself, in a bundle under hisleft oxter. 

Happening never to make a trade of dealing in this line, and not verysure like as to how the old man might have come by the bundle in theseriotous and knock-him-down times, I swithered a moment, giving my chin arub, before answering; and then advised him to take a step in at hisleisure to St Mary's Wynd, where he would meet in with merchants inscores. But no; he seemed determined to strike a bargain with me; and Iheard from the man's sponsible and feasible manner of speech--for he wasan old weatherbeaten-looking body of a creature, with gleg een, a cocknose, white locks, and a tye behind--that the clothes must have been lefthim, as a kind of friendly keepsake, by his master, now beneath themools. Thinking by this, that if I got them at a wanworth, I mightboldly venture, I condescended to his loosing down the bundle, which wasin a blue silk napkin with yellow flowers. As he was doing this, he toldme that he was on his way home from the north to his own country, whichlay among the green Welsh hills, far away; and that he could not carrymuch luggage with him, as he was obliged to travel with his baggage tiedup in a bundle, on the end of his walking-staff, over his right shoulder. 

Pity me! what a grand coat it was! I thought at first it must have beenworn on the King's own back, honest man; for it was made of green velvet, and embroidered all round about--back seams, side seams, flaps, lappels, button-holes, nape and cuffs, with gold lace and spangles, in a manner tohave dazzled the understanding of any Jew with a beard shorter than hisarm. So, no wonder that it imposed on the like of me; and I was mostlyashamed to make him an offer for it of a crown-piece and a dram. Thewaistcoat, which was of white satin, single-breasted, and done up withsilver tinsel in a most beautiful manner, I also bought from him for acouple of shillings, and four hanks of black thread. Though I would onno account or consideration give him a bode for the Hessian boots, whichhaving cuddy-heels and long silk tossels, were by far and away over grandfor the like of a tailor, such as me, and fit for the Sunday's wear ofsome fashionable Don of the first water. However, not to part uncivilly, and be as good as my word, I brought ben Nanse's bottle, and gave him acawker at the shop counter; and, after taking a thimbleful to myself, todrink a good journey to him, I bade him take care of his feet, as thecauseway was frozen, and saw the auld flunkie safely over the strand witha candle. 

Ye may easily conceive that Nanse got a surprise, when I paraded ben tothe room with the grand coat and waistcoat on, cocking up my head, putting my hands into the haunch pockets, and strutting about more like apeacock than a douce elder of Maister Wiggie's kirk; so just as, thinkingshame of myself, I was about to throw it off, I found something bulky atthe bottom of the side pocket, which I discovered to be a wheen papersfastened together with green tape. Finding they were written in a realneat hand, I put on my spectacles, and sending up the close for JamesBatter, we sat round the fireside, and read away like nine-year-aulds. 

The next matter of consideration was, whether, in buying the coat as itstood, the paper belonged to me, or the old flunkie waiting-servant withthe peaked hat. James and me, after an hour and a half's argle-bargleingpro and con, in the way of Parliament-house lawyers, came at last to beunanimously of opinion, that according to the auld Scotch proverb of

 "He that finds keeps, And he that loses seeks, "

whatever was part or pendicle of the coat at the time of purchase, whenit hung exposed for sale over the white-headed Welshman's little finger, became according to the law of nature and nations, as James Batter wiselyobserved, part and pendicle of the property of me, Mansie Wauch, thelegal purchaser. 

Notwithstanding all this, however, I was not sincerely convinced in myown conscience; and I daresay if the creature had cast up, and comeseeking them back, I would have found myself bound to make restitution. This is not now likely to happen; for twenty long years have come andpassed away, like the sunshine of yesterday, and neither word nor wittensof the body have been seen or heard tell of; so, according to the courseof nature, being a white-headed old man, with a pigtail, when the bargainwas made, his dust and bones have, in all likelihood, long ago mouldereddown beneath the green turf of his own mountains, like his granfather'sbefore him. This being the case, I daresay it is the reader's opinion aswell as my own, that I am quite at liberty to make what use of them Ilike. Concerning the poem things that came first in hand, I do notpretend to be any judge; but James thinks he could scarcely write anymuckle better himself: so here goes; but I cannot tell you to what tune:

 SONG

 I

 They say that other eyes are bright, I see no eyes like thine; So full of Heaven's serenest light, Like midnight stars they shine. 

 II

 They say that other cheeks are fair-- But fairer cannot glow The rosebud in the morning air, Or blood on mountain snow. 

 III

 Thy voice--Oh sweet it streams to me, And charms my raptured breast; Like music on the moonlight sea, When waves are lull'd to rest. 

 IV

 The wealth of worlds were vain to give Thy sinless heart to buy; Oh I will bless thee while I live, And love thee till I die!

From this song it appears a matter beyond doubt--for I know humannature--that the flunkie's master had, in his earlier years, been deeplyin love with some beautiful young lady, that loved him again, and thatmaybe, with a bounding and bursting heart, durst not let her affection beshown, from dread of her cruel relations, who insisted on her marryingsome lord or baronet that she did not care one button about. If so, unhappy pair, I pity them! Were we to guess our way in the dark a weefarther, I think it not altogether unlikely, that he must have fallen inwith his sweetheart abroad, when wandering about on his travels; for whatfollows seems to come as it were from her, lamenting his being called toleave her forlorn and return home. This is all merely supposition on mypart, and in the antiquarian style, whereby much is made out of little;but both me and James Batter are determined to be unanimously of thisopinion, until otherwise convinced to the contrary. Love is a fiery andfierce passion every where; but I am told that we, who live in a morefavoured land, know very little of the terrible effects it sometimescauses, and the bloody tragedies, which it has a thousand times produced, where the heart of man is uncontrolled by reason or religion, and hisblood heated into a raging fever, by the burning sun that glows in theheaven above his head. 

Here follows the poem of Taffy's master's foreign sweetheart; which, considering it to be a woman's handiwork, is, I daresay, not that faramiss. 

 SONG OF THE SOUTH

 I

 Of all the garden flowers The fairest is the rose; Of winds that stir the bowers, Oh! there is none that blows Like the south--the gentle south-- For that balmy breeze is ours. 

 II

 Cold is the frozen north; In its stern and savage mood, 'Mid gales, come drifting forth Bleak snows and drenching flood; But the south--the gentle south-- Thaws to love the unwilling blood. 

 III

 Bethink thee of the vales, With their birds and blossoms fair-- Of the darkling nightingales, That charm the starry air In the south--the gentle south-- Ah! our own dear home is there. 

 IV

 Where doth Beauty brightest glow, With each rich and radiant charm, Eye of light, and brow of snow, Cherry lip, and bosom warm; In the south--the gentle south-- There she waits, and works her harm. 

 V

 Say, shines the Star of Love, From the clear and cloudless sky, The shadowy groves above, Where the nestling ringdoves lie; From the south--the gentle south-- Gleams its lone and lucid eye. 

 VI

 Then turn ye to the home Of your brethren and your bride; Far astray your steps may roam, But more joys for thee abide, In the south--our gentle south-- Than in all the world beside. 

After reading a lot of the unknown gentleman's compositions in prose andverse, something like his private history, James Batter informs me, canbe made out, provided we are allowed to eke a little here and there. That he was an Englisher we both think amounts to a probability; and, from having an old "Taffy was a Welshman" for a flunkie, it would not beout of the order of nature to jealouse, that he may have residedsomewhere among the hills, where he had picked him up and taken him intohis kitchen, promoting him thereafter, for sobriety and good conduct, tobe his body servant, and gentleman's gentleman. Where he was born, however, is a matter of doubt, and also who were his folks; but of asurety, he was either born with a silver spoon in his mouth, or rose fromthe ranks like many another great man. That, however, is a matter ofmoonshine; we are all descended in a direct line from Adam. Where he waseducated does not appear; but there can scarcely be a shadow of doubt, that he was for a considerable while at some school or other, where hehad a number of cronies. In proof of this, and to show that we have goodreasons for our suppositions, James recommends me to print the followingrigmarole meditations, on the top of which is written in half-text, SCHOOL RECOLLECTIONS. 

 "--They who in the vale of years advance, And the dark eve is closing on their way, When on the mind the recollections glance Of early joy, and Hope's delightful day, Behold, in brighter hues than those of truth, The light of morning on the fields of youth. "

 SOUTHEY. 

The morning being clear and fine, full of Milton's "vernal delight andjoy, " I determined on a saunter; the inclemency of the weather having, for more than a week, kept me a prisoner at home. Although now advancedinto the heart of February, a great fall of snow had taken place; theroads were blocked up; the mails obstructed; and, while the merchantgrumbled audibly for his letters, the politician, no less chagrined, conned over and over again his dingy rumpled old newspaper, compelled "toeat the leek of his disappointment. " The wind, which had blowninveterately steady from the surly north-east, had veered, however, during the preceding night, to the west; and, as it were by the spell ofan enchanter, an instant thaw commenced. In the low grounds the snowgleamed forth in patches of a pearly whiteness; but, on the banks ofsouthern exposure, the green grass and the black trodden pathway againshowed themselves. The vicissitudes of twenty-four hours were indeedwonderful. Instead of the sharp frost, the pattering hail, and thecongealed streams, we had the blue sky, the vernal zephyr, and the genialsunshine; the stream murmuring with a broader wave, as if making up forthe season spent in the fetters of congelation; and that luxurious flowof the spirits, which irresistibly comes over the heart, at there-assertion of Nature's suspended vigour. 

As I passed on under the budding trees, how delightful it was to hear thelark and the linnet again at their cheerful songs, to be aware that now"the winter was over and gone;" and to feel that the prospect of summer, with its lengthening days, and its rich variety of fruits and flowers, lay fully before us. There is something within us that connects thespring of the year with the childhood of our existence, and it is moreespecially at that season, that the thrilling remembrances of longdeparted pleasures are apt to steal into the thoughts; the re-awakeningof nature calling us, by a fearful contrast, to the contemplation of joysthat never can return, while all the time the heart is rendered moresusceptible by the beauteous renovation in the aspect of the externalworld. 

This sensation pressed strongly on my mind, as I chanced to be passingthe door of the village school, momentarily opened for the admission ofone, creeping along somewhat tardily with satchel on back, and "shiningmorning face. " What a sudden burst of sound was emitted--what harmoniousdiscord--what a commixture of all the tones in the vocal gamut, from theshrill treble to the deep underhum! A chord was touched which vibratedin unison; boyish days and school recollections crowded upon me;pleasures long vanished; feelings long stifled; and friendships--aye, everlasting friendships--cut asunder by the sharp stroke of death!

A public school is a petty world within itself--a wheel within awheel--in so far as it is entirely occupied with its own concerns, affords its peculiar catalogue of virtues and vices, its own cares, pleasures, regrets, anticipations, and disappointments--in fact, aLilliputian facsimile of the great one. By grown men, nothing is morecommon than the assertion that childhood is a perfect Elysium; but it isa false supposition that school-days are those of unalloyed carelessnessand enjoyment. It seems to be a great deal too much overlooked, that"little things are great to little men;" and perhaps the mind of boyhoodis more active in its conceptions--more alive to the impulses of pleasureand pain--in other words, has a more extended scope of sensations, thanduring any other portion of our existence. Its days are not those oflack-occupation; they are full of stir, animation, and activity, for itis then we are in training for after life; and, when the hours of schoolrestraint glide slowly over, "like wounded snakes, " the clock, thatchimes to liberty, sends forth the blood with a livelier flow; andpleasure thus derives a double zest from the bridle that duty hasimposed, joy being generally measured according to the difficulty of itsattainment. What delight in life have we ever experienced more exquisitethan that, which flowed at once in upon us from the teacher's "_bene_, _bene_, " our own self-approbation, and release from the tasks of theday?--the green fields around us wherein to ramble, the stream beside uswherein to angle, the world of games and pastimes, "before us where tochoose. " Words are inadequate to express the thrill of transport, withwhich, on the rush from the school-house door, the hat is waved in air, and the shout sent forth!

Then what a variety of amusements succeed each other. Every month hasits favourite ones. The sports-man does not more keenly scrutinize hiskalendar for the commencement of the trouting, grouse shooting, orhare-hunting season, than the younker for the time of flying kites, bowling at cricket, football, spinning peg-tops, and playing at marbles. Pleasure is the focus, which it is the common aim to approximate; and themass is guided by a sort of unpremeditated social compact, which drawsthem out of doors as soon as meals are discussed, with a sincere thirstof amusement, as certainly as rooks congregate in spring to discuss thepropriety of building nests, or swallows in autumn to deliberate inconclave on the expediency of emigration. 

Then how perfectly glorious was the anticipation of a holiday--a longsummer day of liberty and ease! In anticipation it was a thing boundlessand endless, a foretaste of Elysium. It extended from the _prima luce_, from the earliest dawn of radiance that streaked the "severing clouds inyonder east, " through the sun's matin, meridian, postmeridian, and vespercircuit; from the disappearance of Lucifer in the re-illumined skies, tohis evening entree in the character of Hesperus. Complain not of thebrevity of life; 'tis _men_ that are idle; a thousand things could becontrived and accomplished in that space, and a thousand schemes weredevised by us, when _boys_, to prevent any portion of it passing overwithout improvement. We pursued the fleet angel of time through all hismovements till he blessed us. 

With these and similar thoughts in my mind, I strayed down to the banksof the river, and came upon the very spot, which, in those long-vanishedyears, had been a favourite scene of our boyish sports. The impressionwas overpowering; and as I gazed silently around me, my mind was subduedto that tone of feeling which Ossian so finely designates "the joy ofgrief. " The trees were the same, but older, like myself; seeminglyunscathed by the strife of years--and herein was a difference. Some ofthe very bushes I recognized as our old lurking-places at "hunt thehare"; and, on the old fantastic beech-tree, I discovered the very boughfrom which we were accustomed to suspend our swings. Whatalterations--what sad havoc had time, circumstances, the hand of fortune, and the stroke of death, made among us since then! How were the thoughtsof the heart, the hopes, the pursuits, the feelings changed; and, inalmost every instance, it is to be feared, for the worse! As I gazedaround me, and paused, I could not help reciting aloud to myself thelines of Charles Lamb, so touching in their simple beauty. 

 "I have had playmates, I have had companions, In my days of childhood, in my joyful school-days; All, all are gone, the old familiar faces. Some they have died, and some they have left me, And some are taken from me, all are departed; All, all are gone, the old familiar faces. "

The fresh green plat, by the brink of the stream, lay before me. It wasthere that we played at leap-frog, or gathered dandelions for our tamerabbits; and, at its western extremity, were still extant the reliques ofthe deal-seat, at which we used to assemble on autumn evenings to haveour round of stories. Many a witching tale and wondrous tradition haththere been told; many a marvel of "figures that visited the glimpses ofthe moon"; many a recital of heroic and chivalrous enterprise, accomplished ere warriors dwindled away to the mere puny strength ofmortals. Sapped by the wind and rain, the planks lay in a sorely decayedand rotten state, looking in their mossiness like a sign-post ofdesolation, a memento of terrestrial instability. Traces of the knifewere still here and there visible upon the trunks of the supportingtrees; and with little difficulty I could decipher some well-rememberedinitials. 

"Cold were the hands that carved them there. "

It is, no doubt, wonderful that the human mind can retain such a mass ofrecollections; yet we seem to be, in general, little aware that for onesolitary incident in our lives, preserved by memory, hundreds have beenburied in the silent charnel-house of oblivion. We peruse the past, likea map of pleasing or melancholy recollections, and observe lines crossingand re-crossing each other in a thousand directions; some spots arealmost blank; others faintly traced; and the rest a confused andperplexed labyrinth. A thousand feelings that, in their day and hour, agitated our bosoms, are now forgotten; a thousand hopes, and joys, andapprehensions, and fears, are vanished without a trace. Schemes, whichcost us much care in their formation, and much anxiety in theirfulfilment, have glided, like the clouds of yesterday, from ourremembrance. Many a sharer of our early friendships, and of our boyishsports, we think of no more; they are as if they had never been, tillperhaps some accidental occurrence, some words in conversation, someobject by the wayside, or some passenger in the street, attract ournotice--and then, as if awaking from a perplexing trance, a light dartsin upon our darkness; and we discover that thus some one long ago spoke;that there something long ago happened; or that the person, who justpassed us like a vision, shared smiles with us long, long years ago, andadded a double zest to the enjoyments of our childhood. 

Of our old class-fellows, of those whose days were of "a mingled yarn"with ours, whose hearts blended in the warmest reciprocities offriendship, whose joys, whose cares, almost whose wishes were in common, how little do we know? how little will even the severest scrutiny enableus to discover? Yet, at one time, we were inseparable "like Juno'sswans"; we were as brothers, nor dreamt we of ought else, in thesusceptibility of our youthful imagination, than that we were to passthrough all the future scenes of life, side by side; and, mutuallysupporting and supported, lengthen out the endearments, the ties, and thefeelings of boyhood unto the extremities of existence. What a fine but afond dream--alas, how wide of the cruel reality! The casual relation ofa traveller may discover to us where one of them resided or resides. Thepage of an obituary may accidentally inform us how long one of themlingered on the bed of sickness, and by what death he died. Some we mayperhaps discover in elevated situations, from which worldly pride mightprobably prevent their stooping down to recognize us. Others, immersedin the labyrinths of business, have forgot all, in the selfish pursuitsof earthly accumulation. While the rest, the children of misfortune anddisappointment, we may occasionally find out amid the great multitude ofthe streets, to whom life is but a desert of sorrow, and against whomprosperity seems to have shut for ever her golden gates. 

Such are the diversities of condition, the varieties of fortune to whichman is exposed, while climbing the hill of probationary difficulty. Andhow sublimely applicable are the words of Job, expatiating on theuncertainty of human existence: "Man dieth and wasteth away; yea, mangiveth up the ghost, and where is he? As the waters fail from the sea, and the flood decayeth and drieth up; so man lieth down and riseth nottill the heavens be no more. "

While standing on the same spot, where of yore the boyish multitudecongregated in pursuit of their eager sports, a silent awe steals overthe bosom, and the heart desponds at the thought, that all these oncesmiling faces are scattered now! Some, mayhap, tossing on the waste andperilous seas; some the merchants of distant lands; some fighting thebattles of their country; others dead--inhabitants of the dark and narrowhouse, and hearing no more the billows of life, that thunder and breakabove their low and lonely dwelling-place!

 * * * * *

Nanse, who was sitting by the table, knitting a pair of light-blueworsted stockings for Benjie, and myself, who was sewing on the buttonsof a velveteen jacket for a country lad, were, I must say, not a littledelighted, not only with the way in which the Welshman's late master hadspoken of his school-fellows, but with the manner in which James Batter, with his specs on, had read it over to us. Upon my word--and that of anelder--I do not believe that even Mr Wiggie himself could have done thething greater justice. It was just as if he had been a play-actor man, spouting Douglas's tragedy. 

Having folded up that paper, and turned over not a few others, thedocketings of which he read out to us, James at last says, "Ou ay, hereit is. I think I can now prove to ye, that the gentlemen's sweetheartdied abroad; and that, likely from her name--for it is herementioned--she must have been a Portugee or Spaniard. "

"Ay, let us hear it, " cried Nanse. "Do, like a man, let us hear it, James; for I delight above a' things to hear about love-stories. Do yemind, Maister, " she said, "when ye was so deep in love aince yoursell?"

"Foolish woman, " I said, giving her a kind of severe look; "is that allyour manners to interrupt Mr Batter? If ye'll just keep a calm sough, ye'll hear the long and the short o't, in good time. "

By this, James, who did not relish interruption, and was a thoughtfidgety in his natural temper, had laid down the paper on the table, snuffed the candle, and raised his spectacles on his brow. But I said tohim, "Excuse freedoms, James, and be so good as resume your discourse. "Then wishing to smooth him down, I added, by way of compliment--"Do goon; for you really are a prime reader. Nature surely intended ye for aminister. "

"Dinna flatter me, " said James; looking, however, rather proudishly atwhat I had said, and replacing his glasses on the brig of his nose, hethen read us a screed of metre to the following effect; part of which, Iam free to confess, is rather above my comprehension. But, never mind. 

 ELEGIAC STANZAS

 I

 'Tis midnight deep; the full round moon, As 'twere a spectre, walks the sky; The balmy breath of gentlest June Just stirs the stream that murmurs by; Above me frowns the solemn wood; Nature, methinks, seems Solitude Embodied to the eye. 

 II

 Yes, 'tis a season and a scene, Inez, to think on thee; the day, With stir and strife, may come between Affection and thy beauty's ray, But feeling here assumes control, And mourns my desolated soul That thou are rapt away!

 III

 Thou wert a rainbow to my sight, The storms of life before thee fled; The glory and the guiding light, That onward cheer'd and upward led; From boyhood to this very hour, For me, and only me, thy flower Its fragrance seem'd to shed. 

 IV

 Dark though the world for me might show Its sordid faith and selfish gloom, Yet 'mid life's wilderness to know For me that sweet flower shed its bloom, Was joy, was solace:--thou art gone-- And hope forsook me, when the stone Sank darkly o'er thy tomb. 

 V

 And art thou dead? I dare not think That thus the solemn truth can be; And broken is the only link That chain'd youth's pleasant thoughts to me! Alas! that thou couldst know decay, That, sighing, I should live to say "The cold grave holdeth thee!"

 VI

 For me thou shon'st, as shines a star, Lonely, in clouds when Heaven is lost; Thou wert my guiding light afar, When on misfortune's billows tost: Now darkness hath obscured that light, And I am left in rayless night, On Sorrow's lowering coast. 

 VII

 And art thou gone? I deem'd thee some Immortal essence--art thou gone?-- I saw thee laid within the tomb, And turn'd away to mourn alone: Once to have loved, is to have loved Enough; and, what with thee I proved, Again I'll seek in none. 

 VIII

 Earth in thy sight grew faery land;-- Life was Elysium--thought was love, -- When, long ago, hand clasp'd in hand, We roam'd through Autumn's twilight grove; Or watch'd the broad uprising moon Shed, as it were, a wizard noon, The blasted heath above. 

 IX

 Farewell!--and must I say farewell?-- No--thou wilt ever be to me A present thought; thy form shall dwell In love's most holy sanctuary; Thy voice shall mingle with my dreams, And haunt me, when the shot-star gleams Above the rippling sea. 

 X

 Never revives the past again; But still thou art, in lonely hours, To me earth's heaven, --the azure main, -- Soft music, --and the breath of flowers; My heart shall gain from thee its hues; And Memory give, though Truth refuse, The bliss that once was ours!

After this, Mr Batter read over to us a great many other curiosities, about foreign things wonderful to hear, and foreign places wonderful tobehold. Moreover, also, of divers adventures by sea and land. But thetime wearing late, and Tammie Bodkin having brought ben the shop-key, after putting on the window-shutters, Nanse and I, out ofgood-fellowship, thought we could not do less than ask the honest man, whose cleverality had diverted us so much, to sit still and take a chackof supper;--James being up in the air, from having been allowed to rideon his hobby so briskly, made only a show of objection; so, after arizzard haddo, we had a jug of toddy, and sat round the fire with ourfeet on the fender--Benjie having fallen asleep with his clothes on, andbeen carried away to his bed. Poor bit mannikin!

I never remember to have heard James so prime either on Boston orJosephus; but as his heart warmed with the liquor and the good fire, forit was a cold rawish night, --he returned to Taffy with the pigtail'smaster; and insisted, that as we had heard about his foreign sweetheart'sdeath, which he appeared to have taken so much to heart, we should justbear with him once more, as he read over what he called her dirgie, whichwas written on a half-sheet of grey mouldy paper--as if handed down fromthe days of the Covenanters. It jingles well; and both Nanse and methought it gey and pretty; but eh! if ye only had heard how James Batterread it. It beat cock-fighting. 

 DIRGE

 I

 Weep not for her!--Oh she was far too fair, Too pure to dwell on this guilt-tainted earth! The sinless glory, and the golden air Of Zion, seem'd to claim her from her birth; A Spirit wander'd from its native Zone, Which, soon discovering, took her for its own: Weep not for Her!

 II

 Weep not for her!--Her span was like the sky, Whose thousand stars shine beautiful and bright; Like flowers that know not what it is to die; Like long-linked, shadeless months of Polar light; Like music floating o'er a waveless lake, While Echo answers from the flowery brake: Weep not for Her!

 III

 Weep not for her!--She died in early youth, Ere hope had lost its rich romantic hues; When human bosoms seem'd the homes of truth, And earth still gleam'd with beauty's radiant dews. Her summer prime waned not to days that freeze; Her wine of life was run not to the lees: Weep not for Her!

 IV

 Weep not for her!--By fleet or slow decay, It never grieved her bosom's core to mark The playmates of her childhood wane away, Her prospects wither, or her hopes grow dark; Translated by her God with spirit shriven, She pass'd as 'twere in smiles from earth to heaven. Weep not for Her!

 V

 Weep not for her!--It was not hers to feel The miseries that corrode amassing years, 'Gainst dreams of baffled bliss the heart to steel, To wander sad down age's vale of tears, As whirl the withered leaves from friendship's tree, And on earth's wintry wold alone to be: Weep not for Her!

 VI

 Weep not for her!--She is an angel now, And treads the sapphire floors of paradise: All darkness wiped from her refulgent brow, Sin, sorrow, suffering, banish'd from her eyes; Victorious over death, to her appear The vista'd joys of heaven's eternal year; Weep not for Her!

 VII

 Weep not for her!--Her memory is the shrine Of pleasant thoughts, soft as the scent of flowers, Calm as on windless eve the sun's decline, Sweet as the song of birds among the bowers, Rich as a rainbow with its hues of light, Pure as the moonshine of an autumn night: Weep not for Her!

 VIII

 Weep not for her!--There is no cause for woe; But rather nerve the spirit that it walk Unshrinking o'er the thorny paths below, And from earth's low defilements keep thee back: So, when a few, fleet, severing years have flown, She'll meet thee at heaven's gate--and lead thee on! Weep not for Her. 

 [Picture: The first day I got my regimentals on]

Having right and law on my side, as any man of judgment may perceive withhalf an eye, nothing could hinder me, if I so liked, to print the wholebundle; but, in the meantime, we must just be satisfied with theforegoing curiosities, which we have picked out. All that I have setdown concerning myself, the reader may take on credit as open andeven-down truth; but as to whether Taffy's master's nick-nackets be trueor false, every one is at liberty, in this free country, to think forhimself. Old sparrows are not easily caught with chaff; and unless I sawa proper affidavit, I would not, for my own part, pin my faith to asingle word of them. But every man his own opinion, --that's my motto. 

In the Yankee Almanack of Poor Richard, which, besides the Pilgrim'sProgress and the Book of Martyrs, I whiles read on the week-days for alittle diversion, I see it is set down with great rationality, that "weshould never buy for the bargain sake. " Experience teaches all men, andI found that to my cost in this matter; for, cheap as the coat andwaistcoat seemed which I had bought from the auld-farrant Welsh flunkiewith the peaked hat and the pigtail, I made no great shakes of them afterall. Neither the Lord Provost of Edinburgh, nor any other of the grandpublic characters, ever made me an offer for them, as some had led me toexpect; and the play house people lay all as quiet as ducks in a storm. After hanging at my window for two or three months, collecting all theidle wives and weans of the parish to glour and gaze at them from morntill night, during which time I got half of my lozens broken, by theirknocking one another's heads through, I was obliged to get quit of themat last, by selling them to a man and his son, that kept dancing dogs, Pan's pipes, and a tambourine; and that made a livelihood by tumbling ona carpet in the middle of the street, the one playing "Carle now theKing's come, " as the other whummled head over heels, and then jumped upinto the air, cutting capers, to show that not a bone of his body hadbeen broken. 

Knowing that the raiment was not for everybody's wear, and that the likeof it was not to be found in a country side, I put a decent price on it, "foreign birds with fair feathers" aye taking the top place of themarket. When I mentioned forty shillings to the dancing-dog man and hisson, they said nothing, but, putting their tongues in their cheeks, tookup their hats, wishing me a good day. Next forenoon, however, asleight-of-hand character having arrived, together with a bass drum and abugle horn, that was likely to take the shine out of them, and maybe alsopurchase my article--which was capital for his purpose, having famouswide sleeves--they came back in less than no time, asking the liberty, before finally concluding with me, of carrying them home to theirlodgings for ten minutes to see how they would fit; and, in that case, offering me thirty-five shillings and an old flute. The old flute wasfor next to no use at all, except for wee Benjie, poor thing, too-tooingon, to keep him good, and I told them so, myself being no musicianer; butwould take their offer not to quarrel. It would not do unless some of uswere timber-tuned; men not being meant for blackbirds. 

Home went the man, and home went the son, and home went my grand coat andwaistcoat over his arm; and putting my hands into my breeches pockets, asif I had satisfactorily concluded a great transaction, I marched ben tothe back shop, and took my needle into play, as if nothing in the worldhad happened; but where their home lay, or whether the raiment fitted ornot, goodness knows, having never to this blessed hour heard word orwittens of either of them. Such a pair of blacks! It just shows us howsimple we Scotch folk are. The London man swindled me out of my lawfulroom-rent and my Sunday velveteens; the Eirishers, as will be but toosoon seen, made free with my hen-house, committing felonious robbery atthe dead hour of night; and here a decent-looking old Welshman, with apigtail tied with black tape, palmed a grand coat and waistcoat upon me, that were made away with by a man and his son, a devilish deal too longout of Botany Bay. 

Benjie, poor doggie, was vastly proud of the flute, which he fifed awayon morning, noon, and night; and, for more than a fortnight, would not goto his bed unless it was laid under his pillow. But for me I could notbide the sight of it, knowing whose hands it had been in, and remindingme as it did of the depravity of human nature. 

Verily, verily, this is a wonderfully wicked world. To find out the twovagabonds would have been hopeless; unless I could have followed them tothe Back of Beyond, where the mare foaled the fiddler. 

CHAPTER TWELVE--MANSIE ON THE OLD VOLUNTEERING DAYS

The sough of war and invasion flew over the face of the land, at thistime, like a great whirlwind; and the hearts of men died within theirpersons with fear and trembling. The accounts that came from abroad werejust dreadful beyond all power of description. Death stalked about fromplace to place, like a lawless tyrant, and human blood was spilt likewater; while the heads of crowned kings were cut off; and great dukes andlords were thrown into dark dungeons, or obligated to flee for theirlives into foreign lands, and to seek out hiding-places of safety beyondthe waves of the sea. What was worst of all, our trouble seemed asmittal one; the infection spread around; and even our own land, whichall thought hale and healthy, began to show symptoms of the plague-spot. Losh me! that men, in their seven senses, could have ever shownthemselves so infatuated. Johnny Wilkes and liberty was but a joke towhat was hanging over the head of the nation, brewing like a dark tempestwhich was to swallow it up. Bills were posted up through night, by handsthat durst not have been seen at the work through day; and the agents ofthe Spirit of Darkness, calling themselves the Friends of the People, held secret meetings, and hatched plots to blow up our blessed King andConstitution. 

Yet the business, though fearsome in the main, was in some parts almostlaughable. Everything was to be divided, and every one made alike:houses and lands were to be distributed by lot; and the mighty man andthe beggar--the auld man and the hobble-de-hoy--the industrious man andthe spendthrift--the maimed, the cripple, and the blind, the clever manof business and the haveril simpleton, made all just brethren, and alike. Save us! but to think of such nonsense!!--At one of their meetings, heldat the sign of the Tappet Hen and the Tankard, there was a prime fight offive rounds between Tammy Bowsie the snab, and auld Thrashem the dominiewith the boulie-back about their drawing cuts which was to get DalkeithPalace, and which Newbottle Abbey. Oh, sic riff-raff!!!

What was worst of all, it was an agreed and determined on thing amongthem, these wise men of Gotham, to abolish all kings, clergy, andreligion, as havers. No, no--what need had such wise pows as theirs ofbeing taught or lectured to? What need had such feelosophers of having aking to rule over, or a Parliament to direct them? There was not asingle one among their number, that did not think himself, in his ownconceit, as wise as Solomon or William Pitt, and as mighty as KingNebuchadnezzar. 

It was full time to put a stop to all such nonsense. The newspapers toldus what it had done abroad; and what better could we expect from it athome? Weeds will not grow into flowers anywhere, and no man can handletar without being defiled; the first of which comparisons is I daresaytrue, and the latter must be--for we read of it in Scripture. Well, as Iwas saying, it was a brave notion of the king to put the loyalty of hisland to the test, that the daft folk might be dismayed, and that theclanjamphrey might be tumbled down before their betters, likewindle-straes in a hurricane:--and so they were. 

Such a crowd that day, when the names of the volunteers came to be takendown! No house could have held them, even though many had not steppedforward who thought to have got themselves enrolled. Losh me! did theythink the government was so far gone, as to take characters with deformedlegs, and thrawn necks, and blind eyes, and hashie lips, and grey hairson their pows? No, no, they were not put to such straits; though itshowed that the right spirit was in the creatures, and that, though theirbodies might be deformed, they had consciences to direct them, and soulsto be saved like their neighbours. 

I will never forget the first day that I got my regimentals on; and whenI looked myself in the bit glass, just to think I was a sodger, who neverin my life could thole the smell of powder, and had not fired anythingbut a penny cannon on a Fourth of June, when I was a haflins callant. Ithought my throat would have been cut with the black corded stock; for, whenever I looked down, without thinking like, my chaff-blade playedclank against it, with such a dunt that I mostly chacked my tongue off. And, as to the soaping of the hair, that beat cock-fighting. It wasreally fearsome; but I could scarcely keep from laughing when I glee'dround over my shoulder, and saw a glazed leather queue hanging for halfan ell down the braid of my back, and a pickle horse-hair curling outlike a rotten's tail at the far end of it. And then the worsted taisselson the shoulders--and the lead buttons--and the yellow facings, --oh, butit was grand! I sometimes fancied myself a general, and giving the wordof command. Then the pipeclayed breeches--but that was a sore job; manya weary arm did they give me--beat-beating camstane into them. 

The pipeclaying of the breeches, I was saying, was the most fashious job, let alone courtship, that ever mortal man put his hand to. Indeed, therewas no end to the rubbing, and scrubbing, and brushing, and fyling, andcleaning; for to the like of me, who was not well accustomed to thething, the whitening was continually coming off and destroying my redcoat or my black leggings. I had mostly forgot to speak of the birse forcleaning out the pan, and the piker for clearing the motion-hole. Buttime enough till we come to firing. 

Big Sam, who was a sergeant of the Fencibles, and enough to have put fiveFrenchmen to flight any day of the year, whiles came to train us; and ahard battle he had with more than me. I have already said, that naturenever intended me for the soldiering trade; and why should I hesitateabout confessing, that Sam never got me out of the awkward squad? But Ihad two or three neighbours to keep me in countenance. A weary work wemade with the right, left--left, right, --right-wheel, left-wheel--to theright about, --at ease, --attention, --by sections, --and all the rest of it. But then there is nothing in the course of nature that is useless; andwhat was to hinder me from acting as orderly, or being one of thecamp-colour-men on head days?

We all cracked very crouse about fighting, when we heard of garmentsrolled in blood only from abroad; but one dark night we got a fleg insober earnest. 

There were signal-posts on the hills, up and down all the country, tomake alarms in case of necessity; and I never went to my bed withoutgiving first a glee eastward to Falside-brae, and then another westwardto the Calton-hill, to see that all the country was quiet. I had justpapped in--it might be about nine o'clock--after being gey hard drilled, and sore between the shoulders, with keeping my head back and playing thedumb-bells; when, lo and behold! instead of getting my needful rest in myown bed, with my wife and wean, jow went the bell, and row-de-dow gaedthe drums, and all in a minute was confusion and uproar. I was seizedwith a severe shaking of the knees, and a flang at the heart; but Ihurried, with my nightcap on, up to the garret window, and there I tooplainly saw that the French had landed--for all the signal posts were ina bleeze. This was in reality to be a soldier! I never got such afright since the day I was cleckit. Then such a noise and hullabaloo inthe streets--men, women, and weans, all hurrying through ither, andcrying with loud voices, amid the dark, as if the day of judgment hadcome, to find us all unprepared; and still the bells ringing, and thedrums beating to arms. Poor Nanse was in a bad condition, and I was wellworse; she, at the fears of losing me, their bread-winner; and I, withthe grief of parting from her, the wife of my bosom, and going out toscenes of blood, bayonets, and gunpowder, none of which I had the leaststomach for. Our little son, Benjie, mostly grat himself blind, pullingme back by the cartridge-box; but there was no contending with fate, sohe was obliged at last to let go. 

Notwithstanding all that, we behaved ourselves like true-blue Scotsmencalled forth to fight the battles of our country; and if the French hadcome, as they did not come, they would have found that to their cost, assure as my name is Mansie. However, it turned out as well, in themeantime, that it was a false alarm, and that the thief Buonaparte hadnot landed at Dunbar, as it was jealoused: so, after standing under armsfor half the night, with nineteen rounds of ball-cartridge in our boxes, and the baggage carts all loaden, and ready to follow us to the field ofbattle, we were sent home to our beds; and, notwithstanding the awfulstate of alarm to which I had been put, never in the course of my lifedid I enjoy six hours sounder sleep; for we were hippet the morningparade, on account of our gallant men being kept so long without naturalrest. It is wise to pick a lesson even out of our adversities; and, atall events, it was at this time fully shown to us the necessity of ourregiment being taught the art of firing--a tactic to the length of whichit had never yet come. 

Next day, out we were taken for the whilk purpose; and we went throughour motions bravely. Prime--load--handle cartridge--ram downcartridge--return bayonets--and shoulder hoop--make ready--present--fire. Such was the confusion, and the flurry, and the din of the report, that Iwas so flustered and confused, thinking that half of us would have beenshot dead, that--will ye believe it?--I never yet had mind to pull thetricker. Howsomever, I minded aye with the rest to ram down a freshcartridge at the word of command; and something told me I would repentnot doing like the rest (for I had half a kind of notion that my piecenever went off); so, when the firing was over, the sergeant of thecompany ordered all that had loaded pieces to come to the front. Iswithered a little, not being very sure like what to do; but some five orsix stept out; and our corporal, on looking at my piece, ordered me withthe rest to the front. It was just by all the world like an execution;we six, in the face of the regiment, in a little line, going through ourmanoeuvres at the word of command; and I could hardly stand upon my feet, with a queer feeling of fear and trembling, till at length the terriblemoment came. I looked straight forward--for I durst not jee my headabout, and turned to the hills and green trees, as if I was never to seenature more. 

Our pieces were cocked; and at the word--Fire!--off they went. It was anact of desperation to draw the tricker, and I had hardly well shut myblinkers, when I got such a thump in the shoulder, as knocked mebackwards head-over-heels on the grass. Before I came to my senses, Icould have sworn I was in another world; but, when I opened my eyes, there were the men at ease, holding their sides, laughing like to spleetthem; and my gun lying on the ground two or three ell before me. 

When I found myself not killed outright, I began to rise up. As I wasrubbing my breek-knees, I saw one of the men going forward to lift up thefatal piece; and my care for the safety of others overcame the sense ofmy own peril, --"Let alane--let alane!" cried I to him, "and take care ofyoursell, for it has to gang off five times yet. "

The laughing was now terrible; but being little of a soldier, I thought, in my innocence, that we should hear as many reports as I had crammedcartridges down her muzzle. This was a sore joke against me for a lengthof time; but I tholed it patiently, considering cannily within myself, that knowledge is only to be bought by experience, and that, if we cancredit the old song, even Johnny Cope himself did not learn the art ofwar in a single morning. 

CHAPTER THIRTEEN--MANSIE IN SEARCH OF A CURE FOR CHINCOUGH

Some folks having been bred up from their cradle to the writing of books, of course naturally do the thing regularly and scientifically; but that'snot to be expected from the like of me, that have followed no other wayof life than the shaping and sewing line. It behoves me, therefore, tobeg pardon for not being able to carry my history aye regularly straightforward, and for being forced whiles to zig-zag and vandyke. Forinstance, I clean forgot to give, in its proper place, a history of oneof my travels, with Benjie in my bosom, in search of a cure for thechincough. 

My son Benjie was, at this dividual time, between four and five yearsold, when--poor wee chieldie!--he took the chincough, and in morerespects than one was not in a good way; so the doctor recommended hismother and me, for the change of air, first to carry him down a coal-pit, and syne to the limekilns at Cousland. 

The coal-pit I could not think of at all; to say nothing of the danger ofswinging down into the bowels of the earth in a creel, the thing aye putme in mind of the awful place, where the wicked, after death andjudgment, howl, and hiss, and gnash their teeth; and where, unless Heavenbe more merciful than we are just--we may all be soon enough. So I couldnot think of that, till other human means failed; and I determined, inthe first place, to hire Tammie Dobbie's cart, and try a smell of thefresh air about the limekilns. 

It was a fine July forenoon, and the cart, filled with clean straw, wasat the door by eleven o'clock; so our wife handed us out a pair ofblankets to hap round me, and syne little Benjie into my arms, with hisbig-coatie on, and his leather cappie tied below his chin, and a bit redworsted comforterie round his neck; for, though the sun was warm andpleasant withal, we dreaded cold, as the doctor bade us. Oh, he was afine old man, Doctor Hartshorn!

We had not well got out of the town, when Tammie Dobbie louped up on thefore-tram. He was a crouse, cantie auld cock, having seen much and notlittle in his day; so he began a pleasant confab, pointing out all thegentlemen's houses round the country, and the names of the farms on thehill sides. To one like me, whose occupations tie him to the town-foot, it really is a sweet and grateful thing to be let loose, as it were, fora wee among the scenes of peace and quietness, where nature is in a waywild and wanton--where the clouds above our heads seem to sail along moregrandly over the bosom of the sky, and the wee birds to cheep and churm, from the hedges among the fields, with greater pleasure, feeling thatthey are God's free creatures. 

I cannot tell how many thoughts came over my mind, one after another, like the waves of the sea down on Musselburgh beach; but especially thedays when I was a wee callant with a daidly at Dominie Duncan's school, were fresh in my mind as if the time had been but yesterday; though much, much was I changed since then, being at that time a little, careless, ragged laddie, and now the head of a family, earning bread to my wife andwean by the sweat of my brow. I thought on the blythe summer days when Idandered about the braes and bushes seeking birds'-nests with AlickBowsie and Samuel Search; and of the time when we stood upon oneanother's backs to speil up to the ripe cherries that hung over thegarden walls of Woodburn. Awful changes had taken place since then. Ihad seen Sammy die of the black jaundice--an awful spectacle! and poorAlick Bowsie married to a drucken randie, that wore the breeks, and didnot allow the misfortunate creature the life of a dog. 

When I was meditating thus, after the manner of the patriarch Isaac, there was a pleasant sadness at my heart, though it was like to loup tomy mouth; but I could not get leave to enjoy it long for the tongue ofTammie Dobbie. He bade me look over into a field, about the middle ofwhich were some wooden railings round the black gaping mouth of acoal-pit. "Div ye see that dark bit owre yonder amang the green clover, wi' the sticks about it?" asked Tammie. 

"Yes, " said I; "and what for?"

"Weel, do you ken, " quo' Tammie, "that has been a weary place to mairthan ane. Twa-three year ago, some o' the collyer bodies were choked todeath down below wi' a blast of foul air; and a pour o' orphan weans theyleft behint them on the cauldrife parish. But ye'll mind Hornem, thesherry-officer wi' the thrawn shouther?"

"Ou, bravely; I believe he came to some untimeous end hereaway about?"

"Just in that spat, " answered Tammie. "He was a drucken, blusteringchield, as ye mind; fearing neither man nor de'il, and living a wild, wicked, regardless life; but, puir man, that couldna aye last. He hadbeen bousing about the countryside somehow--maybe harrying out of houseand hald some puir bodies that hadna the wherewith to pay their rents;so, in riding hame fou--it was pitmirk, and the rain pouring down inbucketfu's--he became dumfoundered wi' the darkness and the drammingthegither; and, losing his way, wandered about the fields, hauling hismare after him by the bridle. In the morning the beast was foundnibbling away at the grass owre by yonder, wi' the saddle upon its back, and a broken bridle hinging down about its fore-legs, by the which thefolks round were putten upon the scent; for, on making search down yonpit, he was fund at the bottom, wi' his brains smashed about him, and hislegs and arms broken to chitters!"

"Save us!" said I, "it makes a' my flesh grue. "

"Weel it may, " answered Tammie, "or the story's lost in the telling; forthe collyers that fand him shook as if they had been seized wi' the ague. The dumb animal, ye observe, had far mair sense than him; for, when hisfitting gaed way, instead of following it had plunged back; and the bito' the bridle, that had broken, was still in his grup, when they spiedhim wi' their lanterns. "

"It was an awful like way to leave the world, " said I. 

"'Deed it was, and nae less, " answered Tammie, "to gang to his langaccount in the middle of his mad thochtlessness, without a moment'swarning. But see, yonder's Cousland lying right forrit to the easthand. "

At this very nick of time Benjie was seized with a severe kink; so Tammiestopped his cart, and I held his head over the side of it till the coughwent by. I thought his inside would have jumped out; but he fell soundasleep in two or three minutes; and we jogged on till we came to theyill-house door, where, after louping out, we got a pickle pease-strae toTammie's horse. 

CHAPTER FOURTEEN--MANSIE AND TAMMIE AT MY LORD'S RACES

It happened curiously that, of all the days of the year, this should havebeen the one on which the Carters'-play was held; and, by good luck, wewere just in time to see that grand sight. The whole regiment of carterswere paraded up at my Lord's door, for so they call their box-master; anda beautiful thing it was, I can assure ye. What a sight of ribands wason the horses! Many a crame must have been emptied ere such a number ofmanes and long tails could have been busked out. The beasts themselves, poor things, I dare say, wondered much at their bravery, and no less I amsure did the riders. They looked for all the world like livinghaberdashery shops. Great bunches of wallflower, thyme, spearmint, batchelor buttons, gardeners' gartens, peony roses, gillyflower, andsouthernwood, were stuck in their button holes; and broad belts ofstripped silk, of every colour in the rainbow, were flung across theirshoulders. As to their hats, the man would have had a clear e'e thatcould have kent what was their shape or colour. They were all rowedround with ribands, and puffed about the rim with long green or whitefeathers; and cockades were stuck on the off side, to say nothing of longstrips fleeing behind them in the wind like streamers. Save us! to seemen so proud of finery; if they had been peacocks one would have thoughtless; but in decent sober men, the heads of small families, and with nogreat wages, the thing was crazy-like. Was it not?

At long and last we saw them all set in motion, like a regiment ofdragoons, two and two, with a drum and fife at their head, as if they hadbeen marching to the field of battle. By-the-bye, it was two of our ownvolunteer lads that were playing that day before them, Rory Skirl thesnab, and Geordie Thump the dyer; so this, ye see, verified the oldproverb, that travel where ye like, to the world's end, ye'll aye meetwith kent faces; Tammie and me coming out to the yill-house door to seethem pass by. 

Behind the drum and fife came a big, half-crazy looking chield, with abroad blue bonnet on his head, and a red worsted cherry sticking in thecrown of it. He was carrying a new car-saddle over his shoulder on awell-cleaned pitchfork. Syne came three abreast, one on each side of mylord, being the key-keepers; he keeping the box, and they keeping thekeys, in case like he should take any thing out. And syne came the auldmy lord--him that was my lord last year, ye observe; and syne came thecolours, as bright and bonny as mostly any thing ye ever saw. On one ofthem was painted a plough and harrows, and a man sowing wheat; over thetop of which were gilded letters, the which I was able to read when I puton my specs, being, if I mind well, "Speed the Plough. " On the otherone, which was a mazarine blue with yellow fringes, was the picture oftwo carters, with flat bonnets on their heads, the tane with a whip inhis hand, and the tither a rake, making hay like. Then came they allpassing by two and two, looking as if each one of them had been the Dukeof Buccleuch himself, every one rigged out in his best; the youngcallants, such like as had just entered the box, coming hindmost, andthinking themselves, I daresay, no small drink, and the day a great onewhen they were first allowed to be art and part in such a grandprocession. 

But losh me! I had mostly forgot the piper, that played in the middle, as proud as Hezekiah, that we read of in Second Kings, strutting aboutfrom side to side with his bare legs and big buckles, and bit Macgregortartan jacket--his cheeks blown up with wind like a smith's bellows--thefeathers dirling with conceit in his bonnet--and the drone, below hisoxter, squeeling and skirling like an evil spirit tied up in a green bag. Keep us all! what gleys he gied about him to observe that the folk werelooking at him! He put me in mind of the song that old Barny used tosing about the streets--

 Ilka ane his sword and dirk has, Ilka ane as proud's a Turk is; There's the Grants o' Tullochgorum, Wi' their pipers gaun before 'em; Proud the mithers are that bore 'em. Feedle, faddle, fa, fum. 

But who do ye think should come up to us at this blessed moment, with astaff in his hand, being old now, and not able to ride in the procession, as he had many a time and often done before, but honest Saunders Tram, that had been a staunch customer of mine since the day on which I openedshop, and to whom I had made countless pairs of corduroy spatterdashes;so we shook hands jocosely together, like old acquaintances, and the bodyhodged and leuch as if he had found a fiddle, he was so glad to see me. 

Benjie having fallen asleep, Luckie Barm of the Change, a douce woman, put him to his bed, and promised to take care of him till we came back;Saunders Tram insisting on us to go forward along with him to see therace. I had no great scruple to do this, as I thought Benjie wouldlikely sleep for an hour, being wearied with the joggling of the cart, and having supped a mutchkin bowlful of Luckie Barm's broo and bread. 

By the time we had tramped on to the braehead, two or three had bookedfor the race, and were busy pulling away the flowers that hung over abouttheir horses' lugs, to say little of the tapes and twine; and which madethem look, poor brutes, as if they were not very sure what was the matterwith them. Meanwhile, there was a terrible uproar between my lord and aman from Edinburgh Grassmarket, leading a limping horse, covered with adirty sheet, with two holes for the beast's een looking out at. 

But, for all this outward care, the poor thing seemed very like as ifwind was more plenty in the land than corn, being thin andstarved-looking, and as lame as Vulcan in the off hind-leg. So ye seethe managers of the box insisted on its not running; and the man said "ithad a right to run as well as any other horse"; and my lord said "it hadno such thing, as it was not in the box"; and the man said "he would takeout a protest"; and my lord said "he didna gie a bawbee for a protest;and that he would not allow him to run on any account whatsoever"; butthe man was throng all the time they were argle-bargling taking the coveroff the beast's back, that was ready saddled, and as accoutred forrunning as our regiment of volunteers was for fighting on field-days. Sohe swore like a trooper, that, notwithstanding all their debarring, hewould run in spite of their teeth--both my lord's teeth, ye observe, andthat of the two key-keepers;--maybe, too, of the man that carried thesaddle, for he aye lent in a word at my lord's back, egging him on tostand out for the laws to the last drop of his blood. 

To cut a long tale short, the drum ruffed, and off set four of them, ablack one, and a white one, and a brown one, and the man's one, neck andneck, as neat as you like. The race course was along the high road; and, dog on it, they made a noise like thunder, throwing out their big heavyfeet behind them, and whisking their tails from side to side as if theywould have dung out one another's een; till, not being used to gallop, they at last began to funk and fling; syne first one stopping, and thenanother, wheeling round and round about like peiries, in spite of theriders whipping them, and pulling them by the heads. The man's mare, however, from the Grassmarket, with the limping leg, carried on, followedby the white one, an old tough brute, that had belonged in its youth to atrumpeter of the Scots Greys; and, to tell the truth, it showed mettlestill, though far past its best; so back they came, neck and neck, allthe folk crying, and holloing, and clapping their hands--some "Weel dunethe lame ane--five shillings on the lame ane";--and others, "Weel runBonaparte--at him, auld Bonaparte--two to one that Whitey beats him allto sticks, "--when, dismal to relate, the limping-legged ane couped thecreels, and old white Bonaparte came in with his tail cocked amid loudcheering, and no small clapping of hands. 

We all ran down the road to the place where the limping horse was lying, for it was never like to rise up again any more than the bit rider, thatwas thrown over its head like an arrow out of a bow; but on helping himto his feet, save and except the fright, two wide screeds across histrowser-knees, and a scratch along the brig of his nose, nothing visiblewas to be perceived. It was different, however, with the limping horse. Misfortunate brute! one of its fore-legs had folded below it, and snappedthrough at the fetlock joint. There was it lying with a sad sorrowfullook, as if it longed for death to come quick and end its miseries; theblood, all the while, gush-gushing out at the gaping wound. To all itwas as plain as the A, B, C, that the bones would never knit; and that, considering the case it was in, it would be an act of Christian charityto put the beast out of pain. The maister gloomed, stroked his chin, andlooked down, knowing, weel-a-wat, that he had lost his bread-winner, thengave his head a nod, nod--thrusting both his hands down to the bottomlining of the pockets of his long square-tailed jockey coat. He was awauf, hallanshaker-looking chield, with an old broad-snouted japannedbeaver hat pulled over his brow--one that seemed by his phisog to holdthe good word of the world as nothing--and that had, in the course ofcircumstances, been reduced to a kind of wild desperation, either bychance-misfortunes, cares and trials, or, what is more likely, by his ownsinful, regardless way of life. 

"It canna be helpit, " he said, giving his head a bit shake; "it canna behelpit, friends. Ay, Jess, ye were a gude ane in yere day, lass, --mony apenny and pound have I made out of ye. Which o' ye can lend me a hand, lads? Rin away for a gun some o' ye. "

Here Thomas Clod interfered with a small bit of advice--a thing thatThomas was good at, being a Cameronian elder, and accustomed to giving aword. "Wad ye no think it better, " said Thomas, "to stick her with along gully-knife, or a sharp shoemaker's parer? It wad be an easier way, I'm thinking. "

Dog on it! I could scarcely keep from shuddering when I heard themspeaking in this wild, heathenish, bloody sort of a manner. 

'"Deed no, " quo' Saunders Tram, at whose side I was standing, "far bettersend away for the smith's forehammer, and hit her a smack or twa betwixtthe een; so ye wad settle her in half a second. "

"No, no, " cried Tammie Dobbie, lending in his word; "a better plan thana' that, wad be to make a strong kinch of ropes, and hang her. "

Loveyding! such ways of showing how to be merciful!! But the old Jockeyhimself interfered. "Haud yere tongues, fules, " was his speech;"yonder's the man coming wi' a gun. We'll shune put an end to her. Shewould have won for a hundred pounds, if she hadna broken her leg. Wha'llwager me that she wadna hae won? But she's the last of my stable, puirbeast; and I havena ae plack to rub against anither, now that I have losther. Gi'e me the gun and the penny candle. Is she loaded?" speired heat the man that carried the piece. 

"Troth is she, " was the answer, "double charged. "

"Then stand back, lads, " quoth the old round-shouthered horse-couper, andramming down the candle he lifted up the piece, cocking it as he wentfour or five yards in front of the poor bleeding brute, that seemed, though she could not rise, to know what he was about with the weapon ofdestruction; casting her black eye up at him, and looking pitifully inhis face. 

When I saw him taking his aim, and preparing to draw the trigger, Iturned round my back, not being able to stand it, and brizzed the flatsof my hands with all my pith against the opening of my ears;nevertheless, I heard a faint boom; so, heeling round, I observed themiserable bleeding creature lift her head, and pulling up her legs, givethem a plunge down again on the divots: after which she lay still, and weall saw, to our satisfaction, that death had come to her relief. 

We are not commanded to be the judges of our fellow-creatures, but tothink charitably of all men, hoping every thing for the best; and, thoughthe horse-couper was a thought suspicious, both in look, speech, dress, and outward behaviour, still, ever and anon, we were bound by the tencommandments to consider him only in the light of a fellow-mortal indistress of mind and poverty of pocket; so we made a superscription forthe poor man; and, though he did not look much like one that deserved ourcharity, nevertheless and howsoever, maybe he was a bad halfpenny, andmaybe not; yet one thing was visibly certain, that he was as poor asJob--misery being written in big-hand letters on his brow. So it behovedeach one to open his purse as he could afford it; and, though I say notwhat I put into the hat, proud am I to tell that he collected two orthree shillings to help him home. 

This job being over to his mind as well as mine, and the money safelystowed into his big hinder coat-pocket--would ye believe it? ere yet thebeast was scarcely cold, just as we were decamping from the place, andbuttoning up our breeches-pockets, we saw him casting his coat, and hadthe curiosity to stand still for a jiffy, to observe what he was after, in case, in the middle of his misfortunes, he was bent on some act ofdesperation; when, lo and behold! he out with a gully knife, and beganskinning his old servant, as if he had been only peeling the bark off afallen tree!

One cannot sit at their ingle-cheek and expect, without casting theireyes about them, to grow experienced in the ways of men, or the on-goingsof the world. This spectacle gave me, I can assure you, much and nolittle insight; and so dowie was I with the thoughts of what I hadwitnessed of the selfishness, the sinfulness, and perversity of man, thatI grew more and more home-sick, thinking never so much in my life beforeof my quiet hearthstone and cheerful ingle; and though Thomas Clodinsisted greatly on my staying to their head-meeting dinner, and taking areel with the lassies in the barn; and Tammie Dobbie, the bit body, hadgot so much into the spirit of the thing, that little persuasion wouldhave made him stay all night and reel till the dawing--yet I wasdetermined to make the best of my way home; more-be-token, as Benjiemight take skaith from the night air, and our jaunt therefrom might, instead of contributing to his welfare, do him more harm than good. So, after getting some cheese and bread, to say nothing of a glass or two ofstrong beer and a dram at Luckie Barm's, we waited in her parlour, whichwas hung round with most beautiful pictures of Joseph and his Brethren, besides two stucco parrots on the chimney-piece, amusing ourselves withlooking at them, as a pastime like, till Benjie wakened; on the which Imade Tammie yoke his beast, and rowing the bit callant in his mother'sshawl, took him into my arms in the cart, and after shaking hands withall and sundry twice or thrice over, we bade them a "good-night, " anddrove away. 

CHAPTER FIFTEEN--MANSIE ON THE RETURN FROM MY LORD'S RACES

I may confess, without thinking shame, that I was glad when I found ournebs turned homeward; and, when we got over the turn of the brae at theold quarry-holes, to see the blue smoke of our own Dalkeith, hanging likea thin cloud over the tops of the green trees, through which I perceivedthe glittering weathercock on the old kirk steeple. Tammie, poorcreature, I observed, was a whit ree with the good cheer; and, as he saton the fore-tram, with his whip-hand thrown over the beast's haunches, hesang, half to himself and half-aloud, a great many old Scotch songs, suchas "the Gaberlunzie, " "Aiken Drum, " "Tak' yere Auld Cloak about ye, " and"the Deuks dang ower my Daddie"; besides "The Mucking o' Geordie's Byre, "and "Ca' the Ewes to the Knowes, " and so on; but, do what I liked, Icould not keep my spirits up, thinking of the woful end of the poor oldhorse, and of the ne'er-do-weel loon its master. Many an excellentinstruction of Mr Wiggie's came to my mind, of how we misguided the goodthings that were lent us for our use here, by a gracious Provider, whowould, however, bid us render a final account to him of our conduct andconversation. I thought of how many were aye complaining andcomplaining, myself whiles among the rest, of the hardships, themiseries, and the misfortunes of their lot; putting all down to the scoreof fate, and never once thinking of the plantations of sorrow, reared upfrom the seeds of our own sinfulness; or how any thing, save punishment, could come of the breaking of the ten commandments delivered to thepatriarch Moses. Perhaps, reckoned I with myself, perhaps in this, evenI myself may have in this day's transactions erred. Here am I wanderingabout in a cart; exposing myself to the defilement of the world, to thefear of robbers, and to the night air, in the search of health for adwining laddie; as if the hand that dealt that blessing out was not aspowerful at home as it is abroad. Had I remained at my own lap-broad, the profits of my day's work would have been over and above for themaintenance of my family, outside and inside; instead of which, I havebeen at the expense of a cart-hire and a horse's up-putting, let aloneTammie's debosh and my own, besides the trifle of threepence to theround-shouldered old horse-couper with the slouched japan beaver hat. The story was too true a one; but, alack-a-day, it was now over late torepent!

As I was thus musing, the bright red sun of summer sank down behind thetop of the Pentland Hills, and all looked bluish, dowie, and dreary, asif the heart of the world had been seized with a sudden dwalm, and theface of nature had at once withered from blooming youth into thehoariness of old age. Now and then the birds gave a bit chitter; andwhiles a cow mooed from the fields; and the dew was falling like thelittle tears of the fairies out of the blue lift, where the gloaming-starsoon began to glow and glitter bonnily. 

What I had seen and witnessed made my thoughts heavy and my heart sad; Icould not get the better of it. I looked round and round me, as wejogged along over the height, down on the far distant country, thatspread out as if it had been a great big picture, with hills, and fields, and woods; and I could still see to the norward the ships lying at theiranchors on the sea, and the shores of Fife far far beyond it. It was agreat and a grand sight; and made me turn from the looking at it into myown heart, causing me to think more and more of the glory of the Maker'shandiworks, and less and less of the littleness of prideful man. ButTammie had gotten his drappikie, and the tongue of the body would not liestill a moment; so he blethered on from one thing to another, as wejogged along, till I was forced at the last to give up thinking, andbegin a twa-handed crack with him. 

"Have you your snuff-box upon ye?" said Tammie. "Gi'e me a pinch. "

Having given him the box, I observed to him, that "it was beginning togrow dark and dowie. "

"'Deed is't, " said Tammie; "but a body can now scarcely meet on the roadwi' ony think waur than themsell. Mony a witch, de'il, and bogle, however, did my grannie see and hear tell of, that used to scud andscamper hereaway langsyne like maukins. "

"Witches!" quo' I. "No, no, Tammie, all these things are out of the landnow; and muckle luck to them. But we have other things to fear; whatthink ye of highway robbers?"

"Highway robbers!" said Tammie. "Kay, kay; I'll tell ye of somethingthat I met in wi' mysell. Ae dark winter night, as I was daundering hamefrae Pathhead--it was pitmirk, and about the twall--losh me, I couldnasee my finger afore me!--that a stupid thocht cam into my head that I wadnever wun hame, but be either killed, lost, murdered, or drowned, betweenthat and the dawing. All o' a sudden I sees a light coming dancingforrit amang the trees; and my hair began to stand up on end. Then, inthe next moment--save us a'!--I sees anither light, and forrit, forritthey baith cam, like the een of some great fiery monster, let loose fraethe pit o' darkness by its maister, to seek whom it might devour. "

"Stop, Tammie, " said I to him, "ye'll wauken Benjie. How far are we fromDalkeith?"

 [Picture: Thomas Burlings]

"Twa mile and a bittock, " answered Tammie. "But wait a wee. --Up cam thetwo lights snoov-snooving, nearer and nearer; and I heard distinctly thesound of feet that werena men's--cloven feet, maybe--but nae wheels. Saenearer it cam and nearer, till the sweat began to pour owre my een ascauld as ice; and, at lang and last, I fand my knees beginning to gi'eway; and, after tot-tottering for half a minute, I fell down, my staffplaying bleach out before me. When I cam to mysell, and opened my een, there were the twa lights before me, bleez-bleezing, as if they wad blastmy sight out. And what did they turn out to be, think ye? The de'il orspunkie, whilk o' them?"

"I'm sure I canna tell, " said I. 

"Naithing mair then, " answered Tammie, "but twa bowets; ane tied to ilkaknee of auld Doofie, the half-crazy horse-doctor, mounted on hislang-tailed naig, and away through the dark by himsell, at the dead houro' night, to the relief of a man's mare seized with the batts, somewheredown about Oxenford. "

I was glad that Tammie's story had ended in this way, when out cameanother tramping on its heels. 

"Do you see the top of yon black trees to the eastward there, on thebraehead?"

"I think I do, " was my reply. "But how far, think ye, are we from homenow?"

"About a mile and a half, " said Tammie. --"Weel, as to the trees, I'lltell ye something about them. 

"There was an auld widow-leddy lived langsyne about the town-end ofDalkeith. A sour, cankered, curious body--she's dead and rotten langago. But what I was gaun to say, she had a bonny bit fair-haired, blue-ee'd lassie of a servant-maid that lodged in the house wi' her, justby all the world like a lamb wi' an wolf; a bonnier quean, I've heardtell, never steppit in leather shoon; so all the young lads in thegate-end were wooing at her, and fain to have her; but she wad only haveae joe for a' that. He was a journeyman wright, a trades-lad, and theyhad come, three or four year before, frae the same place thegither--maybehaving had a liking for ane anither since they were bairns; so they weregaun to be married the week after Da'keith Fair, and a' was settled. Butwhat, think ye, happened? He got a drap drink, and a recruiting partylisted him in the king's name, wi' pitting a white shilling in his loof. 

"When the poor lassie heard what had come to pass, and how her sweethearthad ta'en the bounty, she was like to gang distrackit, and took to herbed. The doctor never took up her trouble; and some said it was a fever. At last she was roused out o't, but naebody ever saw her laugh after; andfrae ane that was as cantie as a lintie, she became as douce as a Quaker, though she aye gaed cannily about her wark, as if amaist naething hadhappened. If she was ony way light-headed before, to be sure she wasnathat noo; but just what a decent quean should be, sitting for hours bythe kitchen fire her lane, reading the Bible, and thinking, wha kens, ofwhat wad become o' the wicked after they died; and so ye see--"

"What light is yon?" said I, interrupting him, wishing him like to breakoff. 

"Ou, it's just the light on some of the coal-hills. The puir blackenedcreatures will be gaun down to their wark. It's an unyearthly kind oftrade, turning night intil day, and working like moudiewarts in the dark, when decent folks are in their beds sleeping. --And so, as I was saying, ye see, it happened ae Sunday night that a chap cam to the back door; andthe mistress too heard it. She was sitting in the foreroom wi' her specson, reading some sermon book; but it was the maid that answered. 

"In a while thereafter, she rang her bell, being a curious body, and ayeanxious to ken a' thing of her ain affairs, let alane her neighbours; so, after waiting a wee, she rang again, --and better rang; then lifting upher stick, for she was stiff with the rheumaticks and decay of nature, she hirpled into the kitchen, --but feint a hait saw she there, save theopen Bible lying on the table, the cat streekit out before the fire, andthe candle burning--the candle--na, I daur say I am wrang there, Ibelieve it was a lamp, for she was a near ane. As for her maiden, therewas no trace of her. "

"What do ye think came owre her then?" said I to him, liking to be at mywits' end. "Naething uncanny, I daur say?"

"Ye'll hear in a moment, " answered Tammie, "a' that I ken o' the matter. Ye see--as I asked ye before--yon trees on the hill-head to the eastward;just below yon black cloud yonder?"

"Preceesely, " said I--"I see them well enough. "

"Weel, after a' thochts of finding her were gi'en up, and it was fairlyconcluded, that it was the auld gudeman that had come and chappit herout, she was fund in a pond among yon trees, floating on her back, wi'her Sunday's claes on!!"

"Drowned?" said I to him. 

"Drowned--and as stiff as a deal board, " answered Tammie. "But when shewas drowned--or how she came to be drowned--or who it was drownedher--has never been found out to this blessed moment. "

"Maybe, " said I, lending in my word--"maybe she had grown demented, andthrown herself in i' the dark. "

"Or maybe, " said Tammie, "the deil flew away wi' her in a flash o' fire;and, soosing her down frae the lift, she landit in that hole, where shewas fund floating. But--wo!--wo!" cried he to his horse, coming acrossits side with his whip--"We maun be canny; for this brig has a sharp turn(it was the Cow Brig, ye know), and many a one, both horse and man, havegot their necks broken, by not being wary enough of that corner. "

This made me a thought timorous, having the bit laddie Benjie fast asleepin my arms; and as I saw that Tammie's horse was a wee fidgety, and glad, I dare say, poor thing, to find itself so near home. We heard the water, far down below, roaring and hushing over the rocks, and thro' among theDuke's woods--big, thick, black trees, that threw their branches, likegiant's arms, half across the Esk, making all below as gloomy asmidnight; while over the tops of them, high, high aboon, the bonnie weestarries were twink-twinkling far amid the blue. But there was no end toTammie's tongue. 

"Weel, " said he, "speaking o' the brig, I'll tell you a gude story aboutthat. Auld Jamie Bowie, the potato merchant, that lived at the Gate-end, had a horse and cart that met wi' an accident just at the turn o' thecorner yonder; and up cam a chield sair forfaughten, and a' out ofbreath, to Jamie's door, crying like the prophet Jeremiah to the auldJews, 'Rin, rin away doun to the Cow Brig; for your cart's dung toshivers, and the driver's killed, as weel as the horse!'

"James ran in for his hat; but as he was coming out at the door, he metanother messenger, such as came running across the plain to David, toacquaint him of the death of Absalom, crying, 'Rin away doun, Jamie, rinaway doun; your cart is standing yonder, without either horse or driver;for they're baith killed!'

"Jamie thanked Heaven that the cart was to the fore; then, rinning backfor his stick, which he had forgotten, he stopped a moment to bid hiswife not greet so loud, and was then rushing out in full birr, when heran foul of a third chield, that mostly knocked doun the door in hishurry. 'Awfu' news, man, awfu' news, ' was the way o't, with this secondEliphaz the Temanite. 'Your cart and horse ran away--and threw thedriver, puir fellow, clean owre the brig into the water. No a crunch o'him is to be seen or heard tell of; for he was a' smashed to pieces!!It's an awfu' business!'

"'But where's the horse? and where's the cart, then?' askit Jamie, athought brisker. 'Where's the horse and cart, then, my man? Can ye tellme ought of that?'

"'Ou, ' said he, 'they're baith doun at the Toll yonder, no a hair thewaur. '

"'That's the best news I've heard the nicht, my man. --Goodwife, I say, Goodwife; are ye deaf or donnart? Give this lad a dram; and, as itrather looks like a shower, I'll e'en no go out the night. --I'll easymanage to find another driver, though half a hundred o' the blockheadsshould get their brains knocked out. '

"Is not that a gude ane noo?" quo' Tammie, laughing. '"Od Jamie Bowiewas a real ane. He wadna let them light a candle by his bedside to lethim see to dee; he gied them a curse, and said that was needlessextravagance. "

Dog on it, thought I to myself, the further in the deeper. This beatsthe round-shouldered, horse-couper with the Japan hat, skinning hisreeking horse, all to sticks; and so I again fell into a gloomy sort of amusing; when, just as we came opposite the Duke's gate, with the deers oneach side of it, two men rushed out upon us, and one of them seizedTammie's horse by the bridle, as the other one held his horse-pistol tomy nose, and bade me stop in the King's name!

"Hold your hand, hold your hand, for the sake of mercy!" cried I. "Sparethe father of a small family that will starve on the street if ye take mylife!! Hae--hae--there's every coin and copper I have about me in theworld! Be merciful, be merciful; and do not shed blood, that will not, cannot be rubbed out of your conscience. Take all that we have--horseand cart and all if ye like; only spare our lives, and let us away home!"

"De'il's in the man, " quo' Tammie, "horse and cart! that's a gude one!Na, na, lads; fire away gin ye like; for as lang as I hae a drap o' bluidin me, ye'll get neither. Better be killed than starve. Do your best, ye thieves that ye are; and I'll hae baith of ye hanged neist week beforethe Fifteen!"

Every moment I expected my head to be shot off, till I got my handclapped on Tammie's mouth, and could get cried to them--"Shoot him then, lads; shoot him then, lads, if he wants it; but take my siller likeChristians, and let me away with my poor deeing bairn!"

The two men seemed a something dumfoundered with what they heard; and Ibegan to think them, if they were highway robbers, a wee slow at theirtrade; when, what think ye did they turn out to be--only guess? Nothingmore nor less than two excise officers, that had got information of somesmuggled gin, coming up in a cart from Fisherrow Harbour, and werelurking on the road-side, looking out for spuilzie!!

When they quitted us giggling, I could not keep from laughing too; thoughthe sights I had seen, and the fright I had got, made me nervish andeerie; so blithe was I when the cart rattled on our own street, and Ibegan to waken Benjie, as we were not above a hundred yards from our owndoor. 

In this day's adventures, I saw the sin and folly of my conduct visibly, as I jumped out of the cart at our close mouth. So I determined withinmyself, with a strong determination, to behave more sensibly for thefuture, and think no more about limekilns and coal-pits; but to trust, for Benjie's recovery from the chincough, to a kind Providence, togetherwith Daffy's elixir, and warm blankets. 

CHAPTER SIXTEEN--TAILOR MANSIE AND THE BLOODY CARTRIDGE

It was on a fine summer morning, somewhere about four o'clock, when Iwakened from my night's rest, and was about thinking to bestir myself, that I heard the sound of voices in the kail-yard stretching south fromour back windows. I listened--and I listened--and I better listened--andstill the sound of the argle-bargling became more distinct, now in afleeching way, and now in harsh angry tones, as if some quarrelsomedisagreement had taken place. I had not the comfort of my wife's companyin this dilemmy; she being away, three days before, on the top of TammieTrundle the carrier's cart, to Lauder, on a visit to her folks there; hermother (my gudemother like) having been for some time ill with an incomein her leg, which threatened to make a lameter of her in her old age, thetwo doctors there--not speaking of the blacksmith, and sundry skeely oldwomen--being able to make nothing of the business; so nobody happened tobe with me in the room saving wee Benjie, who was lying asleep at theback of the bed, with his little Kilmarnock on his head, as sound as atop. Nevertheless, I looked for my clothes; and, opening one half of thewindow shutter, I saw four young birkies, well dressed--indeed three ofthem customers of my own--all belonging to the town; two of them youngdoctors, one of them a writer's clerk, and the other a grocer. The wholeappeared very fierce and fearsome, like turkey-cocks; swaggering aboutwith warlike arms as if they had been the king's dragoons; and priming apair of pistols, which one of the surgeons, a spirity, outspoken lad, Maister Blister, was holding in his grip. 

I jealoused at once what they were after, being now a wee up tofire-arms; so I saw that scaith was to come of it; and that I would bewanting in my duty on four heads, --first, as a Christian; second, as aman; third, as a subject; and fourth, as a father; if I withheld myselffrom the scene; nor lifted up my voice, however fruitlessly, against suchcrying iniquity as the wanton letting out of human blood; so forth Ihastened, half dressed, with my grey stockings rolled up my thighs overmy corduroys, and my old hat above my cowl, to the kail-yard ofcontention. 

I was just in the nick of time; and my presence checked the effusion ofblood for a little--but wait a wee. So high and furious were at leastthree of the party, that I saw it was catching water in a sieve to wastewords on them, knowing as clearly as the sun serves the world, thatinterceding would be of no avail. However, I made a feint, andthreatened to bowl away for a magistrate, if they would not desist fromtheir barbarous and bloody purpose; but, i'fegs, I had better kept mycounsel till it was asked for. 

"Tailor Mansie, " blustered out Maister Thomas Blister with a furious cockof his eye--he was a queer Eirish birkie, come over for hiseducation--"since ye have ventured to thrust your nose, ma vourneen, "said he, "where nobody invited ye, you must just stay, " added he, "andabide by the consequences. This is an affair of honour, you take, don'tye? and if ye venture to stir one foot from the spot, och then, mabouchal, " said he, "by the poker of St Patrick, but whisk through ye goesone of these leaden playthings, as sure as ye ever spoiled a coat, orcabbaged broadcloth! Ye have now come out, ye observe, --hark ye, " saidhe, "and are art and part in the business; and if one, or both, of theprincipals be killed, poor devils, " said he, "we are all alike liable totake our trial before the Justiciary Court, hark ye; and by the powers, "said he, "I doubt not but, on proper consideration, machree, that theywill allow us to get off mercifully, on this side of swinging, by averdict of manslaughter--and be hanged to them!"

'Od, I found myself immediately in a scrape; but how to get out of itbaffled my gumption. It set me all a shivering; yet I thought that, comethe worst when it should, they surely would not hang the father of ahelpless small family, that had nothing but his needle for their support, if I made a proper affidavy, about having tried to make peace between theyouths. So, conscience being a brave supporter, I abode in silence, though not without many queer and qualmish thoughts, and a pit-patting ofthe heart, not unco pleasant in the tholing. 

"Blood and wounds!" bawled Maister Thomas Blister, "it would be adisgrace for ever on the honourable profession of physic, " egging on poorMaister Willy Magneezhy, whose face was as white as double-bleachedlinen, "to make an apology for such an insult. Arrah, my honey! you notfit to doctor a cat, --you not fit to bleed a calf, --you not fit topoultice a pig, --after three years' apprenticeship, " said he, "and awinter with Doctor Monro? By the cupping-glasses of 'Pocrates, " said he, "and by the pistol of Gallon, but I would have caned him on the spot ifhe had just let out half as much to me! Look ye, man, " said he, "lookye, man, he is all shaking" (this was a God's truth); "he'll turn tail. At him like fire, Willie. "

Magneezhy, though sadly frightened, looked a thought brighter; and made akind of half step forward. "Say that ye'll ask my pardon once more, --andif not, " whined the poor lad, with a voice broken and trembling, "then wemust just shoot one another. "

"Devil a bit, " answered Maister Bloatsheet, "devil a bit. No, sir; youmust down on your bare knees, and beg ten thousand pardons for calling meout here, in a raw morning; or I'll have a shot at you, whether you willor not. "

"Will you stand that?" said Blister, with eyes like burning coals. "Bythe living jingo, and the holy poker, Magneezhy, if you stand that, --ifyou stand that, I say, I stand no longer your second, but leave you todisgrace and a caning. If he likes to shoot you like a dog, and not as agentleman, then, cuishla machree, --let him do it, and be done!"

"No, sir, " replied Magneezhy with a quivering voice, which he tried invain, poor fellow, to render warlike (he had never been in the volunteerslike me). "Hand us the pistols, then; and let us do or die!"

"Spoken like a hero, and brother of the lancet: as little afraid at thesight of your own blood, as at that of your patients, " said Blister. "Hand over the pistols. "

It was an awful business. Gude save us, such goings on in a Christianland! While Mr Bloatsheet, the young writer, was in the act of cockingthe bloody weapon, I again, but to no purpose, endeavoured to slip in aword edgeways. Magneezhy was in an awful case; if he had been alreadyshot, he could not have looked more clay and corpse-like; so I took up adouce earnest confabulation, while the stramash was drawing to a bloodyconclusion, with Mr Harry Molasses, the fourth in the spree, who wasstanding behind Bloatsheet with a large mahogany box under his arm, something in shape like that of a licensed packman, ganging about fromhouse to house, through the country-side, selling toys and trinkets; orniffering plaited ear-rings, and suchlike, with young lasses, for oldsilver coins or cracked teaspoons. 

"Oh!" answered he, very composedly, as if it had been a canister full ofblack-rapee or black-guard, that he had just lifted down from histop-shelf, "it's just Doctor Blister's saws, whittles, and big knives, incase any of their legs or arms be blown away, that he may cut them off. "Little would have prevented me sinking down through the ground, had I notremembered at the preceese moment, that I myself was a soldier, andliable, when the hour of danger threatened, to be called out, inmarching-order, to the field of battle. But by this time the pistolswere in the hands of the two infatuated young men, Mr Bloatsheet, asfierce as a hussar dragoon, and Magneezhy as supple in the knees as if hewas all on oiled hinges; so the next consideration was to get well out ofthe way, the lookers-on running nearly as great a chance of being shot asthe principals, they not being accustomed, like me for instance, to theuse of arms; on which account, I scougged myself behind a big pear-tree;both being to fire when Blister gave the word "Off!"

I had scarcely jouked into my hidy-hole, when "crack--crack" played thepistols like lightning; and as soon as I got my cowl taken from my eyes, and looked about, woes me! I saw Magneezhy clap his hand to his brow, wheel round like a peerie, or a sheep seized with the sturdie, and thenplay flap down on his broadside, breaking the necks of half-a-dozencabbage-stocks--three of which were afterwards clean lost, as we couldnot put them all into the pot at one time. The whole of us ran forward, but foremost was Bloatsheet, who seizing Magneezhy by the hand, cried, with a mournful face, "I hope you forgive me? Only say this as long asyou have breath; for I am off to Leith harbour in half a minute. "

The blood was running over poor Magneezhy's eyes, and drib-dribbling fromthe neb of his nose, so he was truly in a pitiful state; but he said withmore strength than I thought he could have mustered, --"Yes, yes, fly foryour life. I am dying without much pain--fly for your life, for I am agone man!"

Bloatsheet bounced through the kail-yard like a maukin, clamb over thebit wall, and off like mad; while Blister was feeling Magneezhy's pulsewith one hand, and looking at his doctor's watch, which he had in theother. "Do ye think that the poor lad will live, doctor?" said I to him. 

He gave his head a wise shake, and only observed, "I dare say, it will bea hanging business among us. In what direction do you think, Mansie, weshould all take flight?"

But I answered bravely, "Flee them that will, I'se flee nane. If I amtaken prisoner, the town-officers maun haul me from my own house; but, nevertheless, I trust the visibility of my innocence will be as plain asa pikestaff to the eyes of the Fifteen!"

"What, then, Mansie, will we do with poor Magneezhy? Give us your advicein need. "

"Let us carry him down to my own bed, " answered I; "I would not desert afellow-creature in his dying hour! Help me down with him, and then fleethe country as fast as you are able!"

We immediately proceeded, and lifted the poor lad, who had now dwalmedaway, upon our wife's hand-barrow--Blister taking the feet, and me theoxters, whereby I got my waistcoat all japanned with blood; so, when wegot him laid right, we proceeded to carry him between us down the close, just as if he had been a sticked sheep, and in at the back door, whichcost us some trouble, being narrow, and the barrow getting jammed in;but, at long and last, we got him streeked out above the blankets, havingpreviously shooken Benjie, and wakened him out of his morning's nap. 

All this being accomplished and got over, Blister decamped, leaving me myleeful lane, excepting Benjie, who was next to nobody, in the house withthe dying man. What a frightful face he had, all smeared over with bloodand powder--and I really jealoused, that if he died in that room it wouldbe haunted for evermair, he being in a manner a murdered man; so that, even should I be acquitted of art and part, his ghost might still come tobother us, making our house a hell upon earth, and frighting us out ofour seven senses. But in the midst of my dreadful surmises, when all wasstill, so that you might have heard a pin fall, a knock-knock-knock, cameto the door, on which, recovering my senses, I dreaded first that it wasthe death-chap, and syne that the affair had got wind, and that it wasthe beagles come in search of me; so I kissed little Benjie, who wassitting on his creepie, blubbering and greeting for his parritch, while atear stood in my own eye as I went forward to lift the sneck to let theofficers, as I thought, harrie our house, by carrying off me, its master;but it was, thank Heaven, only Tammie Bodkin, coming in whistling to hiswork, with some measuring papers hanging round his neck. 

"Ah, Tammie, " said I to him, my heart warming at a kent face, and makingthe laddie, although my bounden servant by a regular indenture of fiveyears, a friend in my need, "come in, my man. I fear ye'll hae to takecharge of the business for some time to come; mind what I tell'd ye aboutthe shaping and the cutting, and no making the goose ower warm; as Idoubt I am about to be harled away to the tolbooth. "

Tammie's heart swelled to his mouth. "Ah, maister, " he said, "ye'rejoking. What should ye have done that ye should be ta'en to sic an illplace?"

"Ay, Tammie, lad, " answered I, "it is but ower true. "

"Weel, weel, " quo' Tammie--I really thought it a great deal of theladdie--"weel, weel, they canna prevent me coming to sew beside ye; andif I can take the measure of customers without, ye can cut the claithwithin. But what is't for, maister?"

"Come in here, " said I to him, "and believe your ain een, Tammie, myman. "

"Losh me!" cried the poor laddie, glowring at the bloody face of the manin the bed, and starting back on his tip-toes. "Ay--ay--ay! maister;save us, maister; ay--ay--ay--you have na cloured his harnpan with theguse? Ay, maister, maister! whaten an unearthly sight!! I doubt they'llhang us a'; you for doing't--and me on suspicion--and Benjie as art andpart, puir thing! But I'll rin for a doctor. Will I, maister?"

The thought had never struck me before, being in a sort of a manner dungstupid; but catching up the word, I said with all my pith and birr, "Rin, rin, Tammie, rin for life and death!"

Tammie bolted like a nine-year-old, never looking behind his tail; so, inless than ten minutes, he returned, hauling along old Doctor Peelbox, whom he had waukened out of his bed, in a camblet morning-gown, and apair of red slippers, by the lug and horn, at the very time I was tryingto quiet young Benjie, who was following me up and down the house, as Iwas pacing to and fro in distraction, girning and whingeing for hisbreakfast. 

"Bad business, bad business; bless us, what is this?" said the oldDoctor, who was near-sighted, staring at Magneezhy's bloody face throughhis silver spectacles--"what's the matter?"

The poor patient knew at once his master's tongue, and lifting up one ofhis eyes, the other being stiff and barkened down, said in a melancholyvoice, "Ah, master, do you think I'll get better?"

Doctor Peelbox, old man as he was, started back as if he had been aFrench dancing-master, or had stramped on a hot bar of iron. "Tom, Tom, is this you? what, in the name of wonder, has done this?" Then feelinghis wrist--"but your pulse is quite good. Have you fallen, boy? Whereis the blood coming from?"

"Somewhere about the hairy scalp, " answered Magneezhy, in their own queersort of lingo. "I doubt some artery's cut through!"

The Doctor immediately bade him lie quiet and hush, as he was getting aneedle and silken thread ready to sew it up; ordering me to have a basinand water ready, to wash the poor lad's physog. I did so as hard as Iwas able, though I was not sure about the blood just; old Doctor Peelboxwatching over my shoulder with a lighted penny candle in one hand, andthe needle and thread in the other, to see where the blood spouted from. But we were as daft as wise; so he bade me take my big shears, and cutout all the hair on the fore part of the head as bare as my loof; andsyne we washed, and better washed; so Magneezhy got the other eye up, when the barkened blood was loosed; looking, though as pale as a cleanshirt, more frighted than hurt; until it became plain to us all, first tothe Doctor, syne to me, and syne to Tammie Bodkin, and last of all toMagneezhy himself, that his skin was not so much as peeled. So we helpedhim out of the bed, and blithe was I to see the lad standing on thefloor, without a hold, on his own feet. 

I did my best to clean his neckcloth and shirt of the blood, making himlook as decentish as possible, considering circumstances; and lendinghim, as the scripture commands, my tartan mantle to hide the infirmity ofhis bloody trowsers and waistcoat. Home went he and his master together;me standing at our close mouth, wishing them a good-morning, and blitheto see their backs. Indeed, a condemned thief with the rope about hisneck, and the white cowl tied over his eyes, to say nothing of his handsyerked together behind his back, and on the nick of being thrown over, could not have been more thankful for a reprieve than I was, at the sameblessed moment. It was like Adam seeing the deil's rear marching out ofParadise, if one may be allowed to think such a thing. 

The whole business, tag-rag and bob-tail, soon, however, spunked out, andwas the town talk for more than one day. --But you'll hear. 

At the first I pitied the poor lads, that I thought had fled for ever andaye from their native country, to Bengal, Seringapatam, Copenhagen, Botany Bay, or Jamaica, leaving behind them all their friends and oldScotland, as they might never hear of the goodness of Providence in theirbehalf. But wait a wee. 

Would you believe it? As sure's death, the whole was but a wicked trickplayed by that mischievous loon Blister and his cronies, upon one thatwas a simple and soft-headed callant. De'il a hait was in the one pistolbut a pluff of powder; and in the other, a cartridge-paper, full ofblood, was rammed down upon the charge; the which, hitting Magneezhy onthe ee-bree, had caused a business that seemed to have put him out oflife, and nearly put me (though one of the volunteers) out of my sevensenses. 

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN--MANSIE WAUCH--HIS FIRST AND LAST PLAY

The time of Tammie Bodkin's apprenticeship being nearly worn through, itbehoved me, as a man attentive to business, and the interests of myfamily, to cast my eyes around me in search of a callant to fill hisplace; as it is customary in our trade for young men, when their time isout, taking a year's journeymanship in Edinburgh, to perfect them in themore intricate branches of the business, and learn the newest manner ofthe French and London fashions, by cutting cloth for the young advocates, the college students, the banking-house clerks, the half-pay ensigns, andthe rest of the principal tip-top bucks. 

Having, though I say it myself, the word of being a canny maister, morethan one brought their callants to me, on reading the bill of "Anapprentice wanted, " pasted on my shop-window. 

Offering to bind them for the regular time, yet not wishing to take butone, I thought best not to fix in a hurry, and make choice of him thatseemed more exactly cut out for my purpose. In the course of a few weeksthree or four cast up, among whom was a laddie of Ben Aits themealmonger, and a son of William Burlings the baker; to say little of thecallant of Saunders Broom the sweep, that would fain have put hisblackit-looking bit creature with the one eye and the wooden leg under mywing; but I aye looked to respectability in these matters; so glad was Iwhen I got the offer of Mungo Glen. --But more of this in half a minute. 

I must say I was glad of any feasible excuse to make to the sweep, to getquit of him and his laddie, the father being a drucken ne'er-do-weel, that I wonder did not fall long ere this time of day from somechimney-head, and get his neck broken. So I told him at long and last, when he came papping into my shop, plaguing me every time he passed, thatI had fitted myself; and that there would be no need of his taking thetrouble to call again. Upon which he gave his blacked nieve a desperatethump on the counter, making the observation, that out of respect for himI might have given his son the preference. Though I was a wee puzzledfor an answer, I said to him for want of a better, that having a timberleg, he could not well creuk his hough to the shop-board for our trade. 

"Hout, touts, " said Saunders, giving his lips a smack--"Creuk his hough, ye body you! Do you think his timber leg canna screw off?--That'll nopass. "

I was a little dumfoundered at this cleverness. So I said, more on myguard--"True, true, Saunders, but he's ower little. "

"Ower little, and be hanged to ye!" cried the disrespectful fellow, wheeling about on his heel, as he grasped the sneck of the shop-door, andgave a girn that showed the only clean parts of his body--to wit thewhites of his eyes, and his sharp teeth:--"Ower little!--Pu, pu!--He'slike the blackamoor's pig, then, Maister Wauch--he's like theblackamoor's pig--he may be ver' leetle, but he be tam ould"; and withthis he showed his back, clapping the door at his tail without wishing agood-day; and I am scarcely sorry when I confess, that I never cut clothfor either father or son from that hour to this one, the losing of such acustomer being no great matter at best, and almost clear gain comparedwith saddling myself with a callant with only one eye and one leg; theone having fallen a victim to the dregs of the measles, and the otherhaving been harled off by a farmer's threshing-mill. However, I gotmyself properly suited;--but ye shall hear. 

Our neighbour Mrs Grassie, a widow woman, unco intimate with our wife, and very attentive to Benjie when he had the chincough, had a far-awaycousin of the name of Glen, that held out among the howes of theLammermoor hills--a distant part of the country, ye observe. Auld Glen, a decent-looking body of a creature, had come in with his sheltie aboutsome private matters of business--such as the buying of a horse, orsomething to that effect, where he could best fall in with it, either atour fair, or the Grassmarket, or suchlike; so he had up-pitting, free ofexpense, from Mrs Grassie, on account of his relationship; Glen beingsecond cousin to Mrs Grassie's brother's wife, which is deceased. Imight, indeed, have mentioned, that our neighbour herself had been twicemarried, and had the misery of seeing out both her gudemen; but such wasthe will of fate, and she bore up with perfect resignation. 

Having made a bit warm dinner ready, for she was a tidy body, and knewwhat was what, she thought she could not do better than ask in areputable neighbour to help her friend to eat it, and take a cheerer withhim; as, maybe, being a stranger here, he would not like to use thefreedom of drinking by himself--a custom which is at the best an unsocialone--especially with none but women-folk near him; so she did me thehonour to make choice of me--though I say it, who should not say it;--andwhen we got our jug filled for the second time, and began to grow betteracquainted, ye would really wonder to see how we became merry, andcracked away just like two pen-guns. I asked him, ye see, about sheepand cows, and corn and hay, and ploughing and threshing, and horses andcarts, and fallow land, and lambing-time, and har'st, and making cheeseand butter, and selling eggs, and curing the sturdie, and the snifters, and the batts, and such like;--and he, in his turn, made enquiryregarding broad and narrow cloth, Kilmarnock cowls, worsted comforters, Shetland hose, mittens, leather-caps, stuffing and padding, metal andmule buttons, thorls, pocket-linings, serge, twist, buckram, shaping andsewing, back-splaying, cloth-runds, goosing the labroad, botkins, blackthread, patent shears, measuring, and all the other particulars belongingto our trade, which he said, at long and last after we had jokedtogether, was a power better one than the farming line. 

"Ye should make your son ane, then, " said I, "if ye think so. Have yeany bairns?"

"Ye've hit the nail on the head. --'Od, man, if ye wasna so far away, Iwould bind our auldest callant to yoursell, I'm sae weel pleased wi' yourgentlemanly manners. But I'm speaking havers. "

"Havers here or havers there, what, " said I, "is to prevent ye boardinghim, at a cheap rate, either with our friend Mrs Grassie, or with thewife? Either of the two would be a sort of mother to him. "

'"Deed I daur say would they, " answered Maister Glen, stroking his chin, which was gey rough, and had not got a clean since Sunday, having hadfour days of sheer growth--our meeting, you will observe by this, beingon the Thursday afternoon--"'Deed would they. --'Od, I maun speak to themistress about it. "

On the head of this we had another jug, three being cannie, after whichwe were both a wee tozy-mozy; and I daresay Mrs Grassie saw plainly thatwe were getting into a state where we would not easily make a halt; so, without letting on, she brought in the tea-things before us, and showedus a playbill, to tell us that a company of strolling playactors had comein a body in the morning, with a whole cartful of scenery and granddresses; and were to make an exhibition at seven o'clock, at the ransomof a shilling a-head, in Laird Wheatley's barn. 

Many a time and often had I heard of playacting; and of players makingthemselves kings and queens, and saying a great many wonderful things;but I had never before an opportunity of making myself a witness to thetruth of these hearsays. So Maister Glen, being as full of nonsense, andas fain to have his curiosity gratified as myself, we took upon us thestout resolution to go out together, he offering to treat me; and Idetermined to run the risk of Maister Wiggie, our minister's rebuke, forthe transgression, hoping it would make no lasting impression on hismind, being for the first and only time. Folks should not on alloccasions be over scrupulous. 

After paying our money at the door, never, while I live and breathe, willI forget what we saw and heard that night; it just looks to me, by allthe world, when I think on it, like a fairy dream. The place was crowdedto the full; Maister Glen and me having nearly got our ribs dung inbefore we found a seat, the folks behind being obliged to mount the backbenches to get a sight. Right to the forehand of us was a large greencurtain, some five or six ells wide, a good deal the worse of the wear, having seen service through two-three summers; and, just in the front ofit, were eight or ten penny candles stuck in a board fastened to theground, to let us see the players' feet like, when they came on thestage--and even before they came on the stage--for the curtain beingscrimpit in length, we saw legs and sandals moving behind the scenes veryneatly; while two blind fiddlers they had brought with them played thebonniest ye ever heard. 'Od, the very music was worth a sixpence ofitself. 

The place, as I said before, was choke-full, just to excess; so that onecould scarcely breathe. Indeed, I never saw any part so crowded, noteven at a tent preaching, when the Rev. Mr Roarer was giving hisdiscourses on the building of Solomon's Temple. We were obligated tohave the windows opened for a mouthful of fresh air, the barn being asclose as a baker's oven, my neighbour and me fanning our red faces withour hats, to keep us cool; and, though all were half stewed, we certainlyhad the worst of it, the toddy we had taken having fermented the blood ofour bodies into a perfect fever. 

Just at the time that the two blind fiddlers were playing the Downfall ofParis, a handbell rang, and up goes the green curtain; being hauled tothe ceiling, as I observed with the tail of my eye, by a birkie at theside, that had hold of a rope. So, on the music stopping, and allbecoming as still as that you might have heard a pin fall, in comes adecent old gentleman at his leisure, well powdered, with an old-fashionedcoat on, waistcoat with flap-pockets, brown breeches with buckles at theknees, and silk stockings with red gushats on a blue ground. I never sawa man in such distress; he stamped about, and better stamped about, dadding the end of his staff on the ground, and imploring all the powersof heaven and earth to help him to find out his runaway daughter, thathad decamped with some ne'er-do-weel loon of a half-pay captain, thatkeppit her in his arms from her bedroom-window, up two pair of stairs. 

Every father and head of a family must have felt for a man in hissituation, thus to be robbed of his dear bairn, and an only daughter too, as he told us over and over again, as the salt, salt tears ran gushingdown his withered face, and he aye blew his nose on his clean calenderedpocket-napkin. But, ye know the thing was absurd to suppose that weshould know, any inkling about the matter, having never seen him or hisdaughter between the een before, and not kenning them by headmark; so, though we sympathized with him, as folks ought to do with afellow-creature in affliction, we thought it best to hold our tongues, tosee what might cast up better than he expected. So out he went stumpingat the other side, determined, he said, to find them out, though heshould follow them to the world's end, Johnny Groat's House, or somethingto that effect. 

Hardly was his back turned, and almost before he could cry Jack Robison, in comes the birkie and the very young lady the old gentleman described, arm-and-arm together, smoodging and laughing like daft. Dog on it! itwas a shameless piece of business. As true as death, before all thecrowd of folk, he put his arm round her waist, and called her hissweetheart, and love, and dearie, and darling, and everything that isfine. If they had been courting in a close together on a Friday night, they could not have said more to one another, or gone greater lengths. Ithought such shame to be an eye-witness to sic ongoings, that I wasobliged at last to hold up my hat before my face, and look down; though, for all that, the young lad, to be such a blackguard as his conductshowed, was well enough faured, and had a good coat to his back withdouble gilt buttons and fashionable lapells, to say little of a verywell-made pair of buckskins, a thought the worse of the wear to be sure, but which, if they had been well cleaned, would have looked almost asgood as new. How they had come we never could learn, as we neither sawchaise nor gig; but, from his having spurs on his boots, it is more thanlikely that they had lighted at the back-door of the barn from a horse, she riding on a pad behind him, maybe, with her hand round his waist. 

The father looked to be a rich old bool, both from his manner ofspeaking, and the rewards he seemed to offer for the apprehension of hisdaughter; but to be sure, when so many of us were present that had anequal right to the spuilzie, it would not be a great deal a thousandpounds, when divided, still it was worth the looking after; so we justbidit a wee. 

Things were brought to a bearing, howsoever, sooner than eitherthemselves, I daresay, or anybody else present, seemed to have the leastglimpse of; for, just in the middle of their fine goings-on, the sound ofa coming foot was heard, and the lassie, taking guilt to her, cried out, "Hide me, hide me, for the sake of goodness, for yonder comes my oldfather!"

No sooner said than done. In he stappit her into a closet; and, aftershutting the door on her, he sat down upon a chair, pretending to beasleep in the twinkling of a walking-stick. The old father came bouncingin, and seeing the fellow as sound as a top, he ran forward and gave himsuch a shake as if he would have shooken him all sundry; which soon madehim open his eyes as fast as he had steeked them. After blackguardingthe chield at no allowance, cursing him up hill and down dale, andcalling him every name but a gentleman, he held his staff over his crown, and gripping him by the cuff of the neck, asked him, in a fierce tone, what he had made of his daughter. Never since I was born did I ever seesuch brazenfaced impudence! The rascal had the brass to say at once, that he had not seen word or wittens of the lassie for a month, thoughmore than a hundred folk sitting in his company had beheld him dautingher with his arm round her jimpy waist, not five minutes before. As aman, as a father, as an elder of our kirk, my corruption was raised, forI aye hated lying as a poor cowardly sin, and an inbreak on the tencommandments; and I found my neighbour, Mr Glen, fidgeting on the seat aswell as me; so I thought, that whoever spoke first would have the bestright to be entitled to the reward; whereupon, just as he was in the actof rising up, I took the word out of his mouth, saying, "Dinna believehim, auld gentleman--dinna believe him, friend; he's telling a parcel oflees. Never saw her for a month! It's no worth arguing, or callingwitnesses; just open that press-door, and ye'll see whether I'm speakingtruth or not!"

The old man stared, and looked dumfoundered; and the young one, insteadof running forward with his double nieves to strike me, the only thing Iwas feared for, began a-laughing, as if I had done him a good turn. Butnever since I had a being, did I ever witness such an uproar and noise asimmediately took place. The whole house was so glad that the scoundrelhad been exposed, that they set up siccan a roar of laughter, and thumpedaway at siccan a rate at the boards with their feet, that at long andlast, with pushing and fidgeting, clapping their hands, and holding theirsides, down fell the place they call the gallery; all the folk in't beinghurl'd topsy-turvy, head foremost among the saw-dust on the floor below;their guffawing soon being turned to howling, each one crying louder thananother at the top note of their voices, "Murder! murder! hold off me;murder! my ribs are in; murder! I'm killed--I'm speechless!" and otherlamentations to that effect; so that a rush to the door took place, inthe which every thing was overturned--the door-keeper being wheeled awaylike wildfire--the furms stramped to pieces--the lights knocked out--andthe two blind fiddlers dung head-foremost over the stage, the bass fiddlecracking like thunder at every bruise. Such tearing, and swearing, andtumbling, and squealing, was never witnessed in the memory of man sincethe building of Babel: legs being likely to be broken, sides staved in, eyes knocked out, and lives lost--there being only one door, and that asmall one; so that, when we had been carried off our feet that length, mywind was fairly gone, and a sick dwalm came over me, lights of all mannerof colours, red, blue, green, and orange, dancing before me, thatentirely deprived me of common sense; till, on opening my eyes in thedark, I found myself leaning with my broadside against the wall on theopposite side of the close. It was some time before I minded what hadhappened; so dreading skaith, I found first the one arm, and then theother, to see if they were broken--syne my head--and finally both of mylegs; but all as well as I could discover, was skin-whole and scart-free. On perceiving this, my joy was without bounds, having a great notion thatI had been killed on the spot. So I reached round my hand, verythankfully, to take out my pocket-napkin, to give my brow a wipe, whenlo, and behold! the tail of my Sunday's coat was fairly off and away, docked by the hainch buttons. 

So much for plays and playactors--the first and last, I trust in grace, that I shall ever see. But indeed I could expect no better, after thewarning that Maister Wiggie had more than once given us from the pulpiton the subject. Instead, therefore, of getting my grand reward forfinding the old man's daughter, the whole covey of them, no better than aset of swindlers, took leg-bail, and made that very night a moonlightflitting; and Johnny Hammer, honest man, that had wrought from sunrise tosunset for two days, fitting up their place by contract, instead of beingwell paid for his trouble as he deserved, got nothing left him but aruckle of his own good deals, all dung to shivers. 

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN--MANSIE'S BARLEY-FEVER: AND THE REBUKE

On the morning after the business of the playhouse had happened, I had totake my breakfast in my bed, a thing very uncommon to me, being generallyup by cock-craw, except on Sunday mornings whiles, when each one, according to the bidding of the Fourth Commandment, has a license to doas he likes; having a desperate sore head, and a squeamishness at thestomach, occasioned, I jealouse in a great measure, from what Mr Glen andme had discussed at Widow Grassie's, in the shape of warm toddy, over ourcracks concerning what is called the agricultural and manufacturinginterests. So our wife, poor body, put a thimbleful of brandy, ThomasMixem's real, into my first cup of tea, which had a wonderful virtue inputting all things to rights; so that I was up and had shaped a pair oflady's corsets, an article in which I sometimes dealt, before teno'clock, though, the morning being rather cold, I did not dispense withmy Kilmarnock. 

At eleven in the forenoon, or thereabouts, maybe five minutes before orafter, but no matter, in comes my crony Maister Glen, rather dazed-likeabout the een; and with a large piece of white sticking-plaister, abouthalf a nail wide, across one of his cheeks, and over the bridge of hisnose; giving him a wauf, outlandish, and rather blackguard sort ofappearance; so that I was a thought uneasy at what neighbours mightsurmise concerning our intimacy; but the honest man accounted for thething in a very feasible manner, from the falling down on that side ofhis head of one of the brass candlesticks, while he was lying on hisbroadside before one of the furms in the stramash. 

His purpose of calling was to tell me, that he could not leave the townwithout looking in upon me to bid me farewell; more betoken, as heintended sending in his son Mungo by the carrier for trial, to see howthe line of life pleased him, and how I thought he would answer--a thingwhich I was glad came from his side of the house, being likely to be inthe upshot the best for both parties. Yet I thought he would find ourway of doing so canny and comfortable, that it was not very likely hecould ever start objections; and I must confess, that I looked forwardwith no small degree of pride, seeing the probability of my soon havingthe son of a Lammermoor farmer sitting crosslegged, cheek for jowl withme on the board, and bound to serve me at all lawful times, by night andday, by a regular indenture of five years. Maister Glen insisted on theladdie having a three months' trial; and then, after a trifling show ofstanding out, just to make him aware that I could be elsewhere fitted ifI had a mind, I agreed that the request was reasonable, and that I had noearthly objections to conforming with it. So, after giving him hismeridian and a bite of shortbread, we shook hands, and parted in theunderstanding that his son would arrive on the top of limping Jamie thecarrier's cart, in the course, say, of a fortnight. 

Through the whole of the forepart of the day, I remained rather queerish, as if something was working about my inwards, and a droll pain between myeyes. The wife saw the case I was in, and advised me, for the sake ofthe fresh air, to take a step into the bit garden, and try a hand at thespade, the smell of the new earth being likely to operate as a cordial;but no--it would not do; and when I came in at one o'clock to my dinner, the steam of the fresh broth, instead of making me feel, as usual, ashungry as a hawk, was like to turn my stomach, while the sight of thesheep's head, one of the primest ones I had seen the whole season, looked, by all the world, like the head of a boiled blackamoor, and mademe as sick as a dog; so I could do nothing but take a turn out again, andswig away at the small beer, that never seemed able to slocken my drouth. At long and last, I minded having heard Andrew Redbeak, theexcise-officer, say, that nothing ever put him right after a deboshexcept something they call a bottle of soda-water; so my wife dispatchedBenjie to the place where we knew it could be found, and he returned in ajiffie with a thing like a blacking-bottle below his daidly, as he wasbidden. There being a wire over the cork for some purpose or other, ormaybe just to look neat, we had some fight to get it torn away, but atlast we succeeded. I had turned about for a jug, and the wife wasrummaging for the screw, while Benjie was fiddling away with his fingersat the cork--Save us! all at once it gave a thud like thunder, drivingthe cork over poor Benjie's head, while it squirted there-up in his eyeslike a fire-engine, and I had only just time to throw down the jug, andup with the bottle to my mouth. Luckily, for the sixpence it cost, therewas a drop left, which tasted, by all the world, just like briskdish-washings; but for all that, it had a wonderful power of setting meto rights; and my noddle in a while began to clear up, like a March-dayafter a heavy shower. 

I mind very well too, on the afternoon of the dividual same day, that mydoor-neighbour, Thomas Burlings, popped in; and, in our two-handed crackover the counter, after asking me in a dry, curious way, if I had come byno skaith in the business of the play, he said, the thing had now spreadfar and wide, and was making a great noise in the world. I thought thebody a wee sharp in his observes; so I pretended to take it quitelightly, proceeding in my shaping-out a pair of buckskin breeches, whichI was making for one of the Duke's huntsmen; so seeing he was off thescent, he said in a more jocose way:--

"Well, speaking about buckskins, I'll tell ye a good story about that. "

"Let us hear't, " said I; for I was in that sort of queerish way, that Idid not care much about being very busy. 

"Ye'se get it as I heard it, " quo' Thomas; "and it's no less worthtelling, that it bears a good moral application in its tail; after thesame fashion that a blister does good by sucking away the vicious humoursof the body, thereby making the very pain it gives precious. " Andhere--though maybe it was just my thought--the body stroked his chin, andgave me a kind of half gley, as much as saying, "take that to ye, neighbour. " But I deserved it all, and could not take it ill off hishand; being, like myself, one of the elders of our kirk, and an honestenough, precise-speaking man. 

"Ye see, ye ken, " said Thomas, "that the Breadalbane Fencibles, a wheenHighland birkies, were put into camp at Fisherrow links, maybe for thebenefit of their douking, on account of the fiddle {175}--or maybe incase the French should land at the water-mouth--or maybe to give theregiment the benefit of the sea air--or maybe to make their bare houghshardier, for it was the winter time, frost and snaw being as plenty as yelike, and no sae scarce as pantaloons among the core--or for some itherreason, guid, bad, or indifferent, which disna muckle matter; but ye see, the lang and the short o' the story is, that there they were encamped, man and mother's son of them, going through their dreels by day, andsleeping by night--the privates in their tents, and the offishers intheir marquees, living in the course of nature on their usual rations ofbeef, and tammies, and so on. So, ye understand me, there was nae suchsmart ordering of things in the army in those days, the men not havingthe beef served out to them by a butcher, supplying each company orcompanies by a written contract, drawn up between him and the paymasterbefore 'sponsible witnesses; but ilka ane bringing what pleased him, either tripe, trotters, steaks, cow's-cheek, pluck, hough, spar-rib, jigget, or so forth. "

"'Od!" said I, "Thomas, ye crack like a minister. Where did ye happen topick up all that knowledge?"

"Where should I have got it, but from an auld half-pay sergeant-major, that lived in our spare room, and had been out in the American war, having seen a power of service, and been twice wounded, once in theaff-cuit, and the other time in the cuff of the neck. "

"I thought as muckle, " said I--"Weel, say on, man, it's uncoentertaining. "

"Weel, " continued he, "let me see where I was at when ye stoppit me; formaybe I'll hae to begin at the beginning again. For gif ye yinterruptme, or edge in a word, or put me out by asking questions, I lose thethread of my discourse, and canna proceed. "

"Ou, let me see, " said I, "ye was about the contract concerning thebeef. "

"Preceesely, " quo' Thomas, stretching out his fore-finger--"ye've said itto a hair. At that time, as I was observing, the butcher didna supply acompany or companies, according to the terms of a contract, drawn upbefore 'sponsible witnesses, between him and the paymaster; but thesoldiers got beef-money along with their pay; with which said money, given them, ye observe, for said purpose, they were bound and obligated, in terms of the statute, to buy, purchase, and provide the said beef, twice a-week or oftener, as it might happen; an orderly offisher makinginspection of the camp-kettles regularly every forenoon at one o'clock orthereabouts. 

"So, as ye'll pay attention to observe, there was a private in CaptainM'Tavish's company, the second to the left of the centre, of the name ofDuncan MacAlpine, a wee, hardy, blackaviced, in-knee'd creature, remarkable for nothing that ever I heard tell of, except being reportedto have shotten a gauger in Badenough, or thereabouts; and for having adesperate red nose, the effects, ye observe, of drinking spirituousliquors; ye observe, I daur say, what I am saying--the effects ofdrinking malt speerits. 

"Weel, week after week passed over, and better passed over, and Duncanplayed aff his tricks, like anither Herman Boaz, the slight o'-handjuggler, him that's suspeckit to be in league and paction with the de'il. But ye'll hear. "

"'Od, it's diverting, Thomas, " said I to him; "gang on, man. "

"Weel, ye see, as I was observing--Let me see where I was at?--Ou ay, having a paction with the de'il. So, when all were watching beside thecamp-kettles, some stirring them with spurtles, or parritch-sticks, orforks, or whatever was necessary, the orderly offisher made a point andpractice of regularly coming by, about the chap of one past meridian, asI observed to ye before, to make inspection of what ilka ane had waredhis pay on, and what he had got simmering in the het water for hisdinner. 

"So, on the day concerning which I am about to speak, it fell out, asusual, that he happened to be making his rounds, halting a moment, or twamaybe, before ilka pot; the man that had the charge thereof, by the wayof stirring like, clapping down his lang fork, and bringing up the pieceof meat, or whatever he happened to be making kail of it, to let theinspector see whether it was lamb, pork, beef, mutton, or veal. For, yeobserve, " continued Thomas, giving me, as I took it to myself, anotherqueer side-look, "the purpose of the offisher making the inspection, wasto see that they laid out their pay-money conform to military regulation;and not to fyling their stamicks, and ruining baith sowl and body, bythrowing it away on whisky--as but ower mony, that aiblins should havekenned better, have dune but too often. "

"'Tis but ower true, " said I till him; "but the best will fa' intil afaut sometimes. We have a' our failings, Thomas. "

"Just so, " answered Thomas; "but where was I at?--Ou, about the whisky. Weel, speaking about the whisky, ye see the offisher, Lovetenant TodrickI b'lief they called him, had made an observe about Duncan's kettle; so, when he came to him, Duncan was sitting in the lown side of a dyke, withhis red nose, and a pipe in his cheek, on a big stane, glowring frae himanither way; and, as I was saying, when he came to him he said, "'Weel, Duncan MacAlpine, what have ye in your kettle the day, man?'

"And Duncan, rinning down his lang fork, answered in his ain Highlandbrogue way--'Please your honours, just my auld favourite, tripe. '

"''Deed, Duncan, ' said Lovetenant Todrick, or whatever they caa'd him, 'it is an auld favourite surely, for I have never seen ye have onythingelse for your dinner, man. '

"'Every man to his taste, please your honour, ' answered Duncan MacAlpine;'let ilka ane please her nain sell'--hauling up a screed half a yardlang. 'Ilka man to his taste, please your honour, Lovetenant Todrick. '"

"'Od, man, " said I to him, "'Od, man, ye're a deacon at telling a story. Ye're a queer hand. Weel, what came next?"

"What think ye should come next?" quo' Thomas drily. 

"I'm sure I dinna ken, " answered I. 

"Weel, " said he, "I'll tell--but where was I at?"

"Ou, at the observe of Lovetenant Todrick, or what they caa'd him, aboutthe tripe; and the answer of Duncan MacAlpine on that head, 'That ilkaman has his ain taste. '"

"'Vera true, ' said Lovetenant Todrick, 'but lift it out a' the-gither onthat dish, till I get my specs on; for never since I was born, did I eversee before boiled tripe with buttons and button-holes intill't. '"

At this I set up a loud laughing, which I could not help, though it waslike to split my sides; but Thomas Burlings bade me whisht till I heardhim out. 

"'Buttons and button-holes!' quo' Duncan MacAlpine. 'Look again, wi' yerspecs; for ye're surely wrang, Lovetenant Todrick. '"

"'Buttons and button-holes! and 'deed I am surely right, Duncan, 'answered the Lovetenant Todrick, taking his specs deliberately off thebrig o' his nose, and faulding them thegither, as he put them first intohis shagreen case, and syne into his pocket--'Howsomever, DuncanMacAlpine, I'll pass ye ower for this time, gif ye take my warning, andfor the future ware your pay-money on wholesome butcher's meat, like aChristian, and no be trying to delude your ain stamick, and youroffisher's een, by holding up, on a fork, such a heathenish mak-up for adish, as the leg of a pair o' buckskin breeches!'"

"Buckskin breeches!" said I, "and did he really and actually boil siccantrash to his dinner?"

"Nae sae far south as that yet, friend, " answered Thomas. "Duncan wasnot so bowed in the intellect as ye imagine, and had some spice ofcleverality about his queer manoeuvres. --Eat siccan trash to his dinner!Nae mair, Mansie, than ye intend to eat that iron guse ye're rinningalong that piece claith; but he wanted to make his offishers believe thathis pay gaed the right way: like the Pharisees of old that keepitpraying, in ell-lang faces, about the corners of the streets, and gaedhame wi' hearts full of wickedness and a' manner of cheatrie. "

"And what way did his pay gang, then?" asked I; "and how did he live?"

"I telled ye before, frien, " answered Thomas, "that he was a deboshedcreature; and, like ower mony in the world, likit weel what didna do himony good. It's a wearyfu' thing that whisky. I wish it could bebanished to Botany Bay. 

"It is that, " said I. "Muckle and nae little sin does it breed andproduce in this world. "

"I'm glad, " quoth Thomas, stroking down his chin in a slee way, "I'm gladthe guilty should see the folly o' their ain ways; it's the first step, ye ken, till amendment;--and indeed I tell't Maister Wiggie, when he sentme here, that I could almost become guid for your being mair wary of yourconduct for the future time to come. "

This was like a thunder-clap to me, and I did not know for a jiffie whatto feel, think, or do, more than perceiving that it was a piece ofdevilish cruelty on their parts, taking things on this strict. As formyself, I could freely take sacred oath on the Book, that I had not had adram in my head for four months before; the knowledge of which made mycorruption rise like lightning, as a man is aye brave when he isinnocent; so, giving my pow a bit scart, I said briskly, "So ye're aftersome session business in this visit, are ye?"

"Ye've just guessed it, " answered Thomas Burlings, sleeking down hisfront hair with his fingers in a sober way; "we had a meeting thisforenoon; and it was resolved ye should stand a public rebuke in themeeting-house on Sunday next. "

"Hang me, if I do!" answered I, thumping my nieve down with all my mighton the counter, and throwing back my cowl behind me in a corner. "No, man!" added I, snapping with great pith my finger and thumb in Thomas'seyes, "not for all the ministers and elders that ever were cleckit! Theymay do their best; and ye may tell them so, if ye like. I was born afree man; I live in a free country; I am the subject of a free king andconstitution; and I'll be shot before I submit to such rank, diabolicalpapistry. "

"Hooly and fairly, " quoth Thomas, staring a wee astonished like, and nota little surprised to see my birse up in this manner; for, when hethought upon shearing a lamb, he found he had catched a tartar; so, calming down as fast as ye like, he said, "Hooly and fairly Mansie" (orMaister Wauch, I believe, he did me the honour to call me), "they'llmaybe no be sae hard as they threaten. But ye ken, my friend, I'mspeaking to ye as a brither; it was an unco-like business for an elder, not only to gang till a play, which is ane of the deevil's rendevouses, but to gang there in a state of liquor: making yoursell a world'swonder--and you an elder of our kirk! I put the question to yourselfsoberly. "

His threatening I could despise, and could have fought, cuffed, andkicked with all the ministers and elders of the General Assembly, to saynothing of the Relief Synod and the Burgher Union, before I would havedemeaned myself to yield to what my inward spirit plainly told me to berank cruelty and injustice; but ah! his calm, brotherly, flattering way Icould not thole with, and the tears came rapping into my eyes, fasterthan it cared my manhood to let be seen; so I said till him, "Weel, weel, Thomas, I ken I have done wrong; and I am sorry for't: they'll never findme in siccan a scrape again. "

Thomas Burlings then came forward in a friendly way, and shook hands withme; telling that he would go back and plead before them in my behalf. Hesaid this over again, as we parted at my shop-door; and, to do himjustice, surely he had not been worse than his word, for I have ayeattended the kirk as usual, standing, when it came to my rotation, at theplate, and nobody, gentle or semple, ever spoke to me on the subject ofthe playhouse, or minted the matter of the Rebuke from that day to this. 

 [Picture: Mungo Glen]

CHAPTER NINETEEN--MANSIE'S ADVENTURES OF THE AWFUL NIGHT

In the course of a fortnight from the time I parted with Maister Glen, the Lauder carrier, limping Jamie, brought his callant to our shop-doorin his hand. He was a tall slender laddie, some fourteen years old, andsore grown away from his clothes. There was something genty anddelicate-like about him, having a pale sharp face, blue eyes, a nose likea hawk's, and long yellow hair hanging about his haffets, as if barberswere unco scarce cattle among the howes of the Lammermoor hills. Havinga general experience of human nature, I saw that I would have somethingto do towards bringing him into a state of rational civilization; but, considering his opportunities, he had been well educated, and I liked hisappearance on the whole not that ill. 

To divert him a while, as I did not intend yoking him to work the firstday, I sent out Benjie with him, after giving him some refreshment ofbread and milk, to let him see the town and all the uncos about it. Itold Benjie first to take him to the auld kirk, which is one wonderfulbuilding, steeple and aisle; and as for mason-work, far before anythingto be seen or heard tell of in our day; syne to Lugton brig, which is onegrand affair, hanging over the river Esk and the flour-mills like arainbow--syne to the Tolbooth, which is a terror to evil-doers, and fromwhich the Lord preserve us all!--syne to the Market, where ye'll seelamb, beef, mutton, and veal, hanging up on cleeks, in roasting andboiling pieces--spar-rib, jigget, shoulder, and heuk-bane, in thegreatest prodigality of abundance;--and syne down to the Duke's gate, bylooking through the bonny white-painted iron-stanchels of which, ye'llsee the deer running beneath the green trees; and the palace itself, inthe inside of which dwells one that needs not be proud to call the kinghis cousin. 

Brawly did I know, that it is a little after a laddie's being loosed fromhis mother's apron-string, and hurried from home, till the mind can makeitself up to stay among fremit folk; or that the attention can be rousedto anything said or done, however simple in the uptake. So, after Benjiebrought Mungo home again, gey forfaughten and wearied-out like, I badethe wife give him his four-hours, and told him he might go to his bed assoon as he liked. Jealousing also, at the same time, that creaturesbrought up in the country have strange notions about them with respect tosupernaturals--such as ghosts, brownies, fairies, and bogles--to saynothing of witches, warlocks, and evil-spirits, I made Benjie take offhis clothes and lie down beside him, as I said, to keep him warm; but, inplain matter of fact (between friends), that the callant might sleepsounder, finding himself in a strange bed, and not very sure as to howthe house stood as to the matter of a good name. 

Knowing by my own common sense, and from long experience of the ways of awicked world, that there is nothing like industry, I went to Mungo'sbedside in the morning, and wakened him betimes. Indeed, I'm leeingthere--I need not call it wakening him--for Benjie told me, when he wassupping his parritch out of his luggie at breakfast-time, that he neverwinked an eye all night, and that sometimes he heard him greeting tohimself in the dark--such and so powerful is our love of home and theforce of natural affection. Howsoever, as I was saying, I took him benthe house with me down to the workshop, where I had begun to cut out apair of nankeen trowsers for a young lad that was to be married the weekafter to a servant-maid of Maister Wiggie's, --a trig quean, thatafterwards made him a good wife, and the father of a numerous smallfamily. 

Speaking of nankeen, I would advise every one, as a friend, to buy theIndian, and not the British kind--the expense of outlay being ill hained, even at sixpence a yard--the latter not standing the washing, but makinga man's legs, at a distance, look like a yellow yorline. 

It behoved me now as a maister, bent on the improvement of his prentice, to commence learning Mungo some few of the mysteries of our trade; sohaving showed him the way to crook his hough (example is better thanprecept, as James Batter observes), I taught him the plan of holding theneedle; and having fitted his middle-finger with a bottomless thimble ofour own sort, I set him to sewing the cotton-lining into one leg, knowingthat it was a part not very particular, and not very likely to be seen;so that the matter was not great, whether the stitching was exactlyregular, or rather in the _zigzag_ line. As is customary with all newbeginners, he made a desperate awkward hand at it, and of which I wouldof course have said nothing, but that he chanced to brog his thumb, andcompletely soiled the whole piece of work with the stains of blood;which, for one thing, could not wash out without being seen; and, foranother, was an unlucky omen to happen to a marriage garment. 

Every man should be on his guard; this was a lesson I learned when I wasin the volunteers, at the time Buonaparte was expected to land down atDunbar. Luckily for me in this case, I had, by some foolish mistake oranother, made an allowance of a half yard, over and above what I found Icould manage to shape on; so I boldly made up my mind to cut out thepiece altogether, it being in the back seam. In that business I trust Ishowed the art of a good tradesman, having managed to do it so neatlythat it could not be noticed without the narrowest inspection; and havingthe advantage of a covering by the coat-flaps, had indeed no chance ofbeing so, except on desperately windy days. 

In the week succeeding that on which this unlucky mischance happened, anaccident almost as bad befell, though not to me, further than thateveryone is bound by the Ten Commandments, to say nothing of his ownconscience, to take a part in the afflictions that befall theirdoor-neighbours. 

When the voice of man was wheisht, and all was sunk in the sound sleep ofmidnight, it chanced that I was busy dreaming that I was sitting one ofthe spectators, looking at another play-acting piece of business. Beforecoming this length, howsoever, I should by right have observed, that eregoing to bed I had eaten for my supper part of a black pudding, and twosausages, that Widow Grassie had sent in a compliment to my wife, being agenteel woman, and mindful of her friends--so that I must have had somesort of nightmare, and not been exactly in my seven senses--else I couldnot have been even dreaming of siccan a place. Well, as I was saying, inthe playhouse I thought I was; and all at once I heard Maister Wiggie, like one crying in the wilderness, hallooing with a loud voice throughthe window, bidding me flee from the snares, traps, and gin-nets of theEvil One; and from the terrors of the wrath to come. I was in a terriblefunk; and just as I was trying to rise from the seat, that seemed somehowglued to my body, and would not let me, to reach down my hat, which, withits glazed cover, was hanging on a pin to one side, my face all red, andglowing like a fiery furnace, for shame of being a second time caught indeadly sin, I heard the kirk-bell jow-jowing, as if it was the last trumpsummoning sinners to their long and black account; and Maister Wiggiethrust in his arm in his desperation, in a whirlwind of passion, claughting hold of my hand like a vice to drag me out head-foremost. Even in my sleep, howsoever, it appears that I like free-will, and kenthat there are no slaves in our blessed country; so I tried with all mymight to pull against him, and gave his arm such a drive back, that heseemed to bleach over on his side, and raised a hullaballoo of a yell, that not only wakened me, but made me start upright in my bed. 

For all the world such a scene! My wife was roaring "Murder, murder!--Mansie Wauch, will ye no wauken?--Murder, murder! ye've felledme wi' your nieve, --ye've felled me outright, --I'm gone for evermair, --myhaill teeth are doun my throat. Will ye no wauken, Mansie Wauch?--willye no wauken?--Murder, murder!--I say murder, murder, murder, murder!!!"

"Who's murdering us?" cried I, throwing my cowl back on the pillow, andrubbing my eyes in the hurry of a tremendous fright. --"Who's murderingus?--where's the robbers?--send for the town-officer!!"

"O Mansie!--O Mansie!" said Nanse, in a kind of greeting tone, "I daursayye've felled me--but no matter, now I've gotten ye roused. Do ye no seethe haill street in a bleeze of flames? Bad is the best; we maun eitherbe burned to death, or out of house and hall, without a rag to cover ournakedness. Where's my son?--where's my dear bairn Benjie?"

In a most awful consternation, I jumped at this out to the middle of thefloor, hearing the causeway all in an uproar of voices; and seeing theflichtering of the flames glancing on the houses in the opposite side ofthe street, all the windows of which were filled with the heads ofhalf-naked folks, in round-eared mutches or Kilmarnocks; their mouthsopen, and their eyes staring with fright; while the sound of thefire-engine, rattling through the streets like thunder, seemed like thedead-cart of the plague, come to hurry away the corpses of the deceasedfor interment in the kirk-yard. 

Never such a spectacle was witnessed in this world of sin and sorrowsince the creation of Adam. I pulled up the window and looked out--and, lo and behold! the very next house to our own was all in a low fromcellar to garret; the burning joists hissing and cracking like mad; andthe very wind that blew along, as warm as if it had been out of the mouthof a baker's oven!!

It was a most awful spectacle! more by token to me, who was likely to beintimately concerned with it; and beating my brow with my clenched nieve, like a distracted creature, I saw that the labour of my whole life waslikely to go for nought, and me to be a ruined man; all the earnings ofmy industry being laid out on my stock in trade, and on the plenishing ofour bit house. The darkness of the latter days came over my spirit likea vision before the prophet Isaiah; and I could see nothing in the yearsto come but beggary and starvation; myself a fallen-back old man, with anout-at-the-elbows coat, a greasy hat, and a bald pow, hirpling over astaff, requeeshting an awmous--Nanse a broken-hearted beggar wife, torndown to tatters, and weeping like Rachel when she thought on betterdays--and poor wee Benjie going from door to door with a meal-pock on hisback. 

The thought first dung me stupid, and then drove me to desperation; andnot even minding the dear wife of my bosom, that had fainted away as deadas a herring, I pulled on my trowsers like mad, and rushed out into thestreet, bareheaded and barefoot as the day that Lucky Bringthereoutdragged me into the world. 

The crowd saw in the twinkling of an eyeball that I was a desperate man, fierce as Sir William Wallace, and not to be withstood by gentle orsemple. So most of them made way for me; they that tried to stop mefinding it a bad job, being heeled over from right to left, on the broadof their backs, like flounders without respect of age or person; some oldwomen that were obstrapulous being gey sore hurt, and one of them with apain in her hainch even to this day. When I had got almost to thedoor-cheek of the burning house, I found one grupping me by the back likegrim death; and, in looking over my shoulder, who was it but Nanseherself, that, rising up from her faint, had pursued me like a whirlwind. It was a heavy trial, but my duty to myself in the first place, and to myneighbours in the second, roused me up to withstand it; so, making aspend like a grey-hound, I left the hindside of my shirt in her grasp, like Joseph's garment in the nieve of Potiphar's wife, and up the stairshead-foremost among the flames. 

Mercy keep us all! what a sight for mortal man to glowr at with hisliving eyes! The bells were tolling amid the dark, like a summons fromabove for the parish of Dalkeith to pack off to another world; the drumswere beat-beating as if the French were coming, thousand on thousand, tokill, slay, and devour every maid and mother's son of us; the fire-enginepump-pump-pumping like daft, showering the water like rainbows, as if thewindows of heaven were opened, and the days of old Noah come back again;and the rabble throwing the good furniture over the windows like onionpeelings, where it either felled the folk below, or was dung to athousand shivers on the causey. I cried to them, for the love ofgoodness, to make search in the beds, in case there might be any weansthere, human life being still more precious than human means; but not aliving soul was seen but a cat, which, being raised and wild with thedin, would on no consideration allow itself to be catched. Jacob Dribblefound that to his cost; for, right or wrong, having a drappie in hishead, he swore like a trooper that he would catch her, and carry her downbeneath his oxter; so forward he weired her into a corner, crouching onhis hunkers. He had much better have left it alone; for it fuffed overhis shoulder like wildfire, and scarting his back all the way down, jumped like a lamplighter head-foremost through the flames, where, in theraging and roaring of the devouring element, its pitiful cries were soonhushed to silence for ever and ever, Amen!

At long and last, a woman's howl was heard on the street, lamenting, likeHagar over young Ishmael in the wilderness of Beersheba, and crying thather old grannie, that was a lameter, and had been bedridden for fouryears come the Martinmas following, was burning to a cinder in thefore-garret. My heart was like to burst within me when I heard thisdismal news, remembering that I myself had once an old mother, that wasnow in the mools; so I brushed up the stair like a hatter, and burst openthe door of the fore-garret--for in the hurry I could not find the sneck, and did not like to stand on ceremony. I could not see my finger beforeme, and did not know my right hand from the left, for the smoke; but Igroped round and round, though the reek mostly cut my breath, and made mecough at no allowance, till at last I catched hold of something cold andclammy, which I gave a pull, not knowing what it was, but found out to bethe old wife's nose. I cried out as loud as I was able for the poorcreature to hoise herself up into my arms; but, receiving no answer, Idiscovered in a moment that she was suffocated, the foul air having gonedown her wrong hause; and, though I had aye a terror at looking at, farless handling a dead corpse, there was something brave within me at themoment, my blood being up; so I caught hold of her by the shoulders, andharling her with all my might out of her bed, got her lifted on my backheads and thraws, in the manner of a boll of meal, and away as fast as mylegs could carry me. 

There was a providence in this haste; for, ere I was half-way down thestair, the floor fell with a thud like thunder; and such a combustion ofsoot, stour, and sparks arose, as was never seen or heard tell of in thememory of man since the day that Samson pulled over the pillars in thehouse of dragon, and smoored all the mocking Philistines as flat asflounders. For the space of a minute I was as blind as a beetle, and waslike to be choked for want of breath; however, as the dust began to clearup, I saw an open window, and hallooed down to the crowd for the sake ofmercy to bring a ladder, to save the lives of two perishingfellow-creatures, for now my own was also in imminent jeopardy. Theywere long of coming, and I did not know what to do; so thinking that theold wife, as she had not spoken, was maybe dead already, I was oncedetermined just to let her drop down upon the street; but I knew that theso doing would have cracked every bone in her body, and the glory of mybravery would thus have been worse than lost. I persevered, therefore, though I was fit to fall down under the dead weight, she not being ableto help herself, and having a deal of beef in her skin for an old womanof eighty; but I got a lean, by squeezing her a wee between me and thewall. 

I thought they would never have come, for my shoeless feet were allbruised, and bleeding from the crunched lime and the splinters of brokenstones; but at long and last, a ladder was hoisted up, and havingfastened a kinch of ropes beneath her oxters, I let her slide down overthe upper step, by way of a pillyshee, having the satisfaction of seeingher safely landed in the arms of seven old wives, that were waiting witha cosey warm blanket below. Having accomplished this grand manoeuvre, wherein I succeeded in saving the precious life of a woman of eighty, that had been four long years bedridden, I tripped down the steps myselflike a nine-year-old, and had the pleasure, when the roof fell in, toknow that I for one had done my duty; and that, to the best of myknowledge, no living creature except the poor cat had perished within thejaws of the devouring element. 

But, bide a wee; the work was, as yet, only half done. The fire wasstill roaring and raging, every puff of wind that blew through the blackfirmament, driving the red sparks high into the air, where they died awaylike the tail of a comet, or the train of a skyrocket; the joistingcrazing, cracking, and tumbling down; and now and then the bursting cansplaying flee in a hundred flinders from the chimney-heads. One wouldhave naturally enough thought that our engine could have drowned out afire of any kind whatsoever in half a second, scores of folk drivingabout with pitcherfuls of water, and scaling half of it on one anotherand the causey in their hurry; but woe's me! it did not play puh on thered-het stones, that whizzed like iron in a smiddy trough; so, as soon asit was darkness and smoke in one place, it was fire and fury in another. 

My anxiety was great; seeing that I had done my best for my neighbours, it behoved me now, in my turn, to try and see what I could do for myself;so, notwithstanding the remonstrances of my friend James Batter--whomNanse, knowing I had bare feet, had sent out to seek me, with a pair ofshoon in his hand; and who, in scratching his head, mostly rugged outevery hair of his wig with sheer vexation--I ran off, and mounted theladder a second time, and succeeded, after muckle speeling, in gettingupon the top of the wall; where, having a bucket slung up to me by meansof a rope, I swashed down such showers on the top of the flames, that Isoon did more good, in the space of five minutes, than the engine and theten men, that were all in a broth of perspiration with pumping it, didthe whole night over: to say nothing of the multitude of drawers ofwater, men, wives, and weans, with their cuddies, leglins, pitchers, pails, and water-stoups; having the satisfaction, in a short time, toobserve every thing getting as black as the crown of my hat, and thegable of my own house becoming as cool as a cucumber. 

Being a man of method, and acquainted with business, I could have likedto have given a finishing stitch to my work before descending the ladder;but, losh me! sic a whingeing, girning, greeting, and roaring, got up allof a sudden, as was never seen or heard of since bowed Joseph raised themeal-mob, and burned Johnnie Wilkes in effigy; and, looking down, I sawBenjie, the bairn of my own heart, and the callant Glen, my apprentice ontrial, that had both been as sound as tops till this blessed moment, standing in their nightgowns and their little red cowls, rubbing theireyes, cowering with cold and fright, and making an awful uproar, cryingon me to come down and not be killed. The voice of Benjie especiallypierced through and through my heart, like a two-edged sword, and I couldon no manner of account suffer myself to bear it any longer, as Ijealoused the bairn would have gone into convulsion fits if I had notheeded him; so, making a sign to them to be quiet, I came my ways down, taking hold of one in ilka hand, which must have been a fatherly sight tothe spectators that saw us. After waiting on the crown of the causey forhalf an hour, to make sure that the fire was extinguished, and all tightand right, I saw the crowd scaling, and thought it best to go in too, carrying the two youngsters along with me. When I began to move off, however, siccan a cheering of the multitude got up as would have deafeneda cannon; and though I say it myself, who should not say it, they seemedstruck with a sore amazement at my heroic behaviour, following me withloud cheers even to the threshold of my own door. 

From this folk should condescend to take a lesson, seeing that, thoughthe world is a bitter bad world, yet that good deeds are not only areward to themselves, but call forth the applause of Jew and Gentile: forthe sweet savour of my conduct on this memorable night remained in mynostrils for goodness knows the length of time, many praising my bravehumanity in public companies and assemblies of the people, such asstrawberry ploys, council meetings, dinner parties, and so forth; andmany in private conversation at their own ingle-cheek, by way oftwo-handed crack; in stage-coach confab, and in causey talk in theforenoon, before going in to take their meridians. Indeed, betweenfriends, the business proved in the upshot of no small advantage to me, bringing to me a sowd of strange faces, by way of customers, both gentleand semple, that I verily believe had not so muckle as ever heard of myname before, and giving me many a coat to cut, and cloth to shape, that, but for my gallant behaviour on the fearsome night aforesaid, woulddoubtless have been cut, sewed, and shaped by other hands. Indeed, considering the great noise the thing made in the world, it is no wonderthat every one was anxious to have a garment of wearing apparel made bythe individual same hands that had succeeded, under Providence, in savingthe precious life of an old woman of eighty, that had been bedridden, some say, four years come Yule, and others, come Martinmas. 

When we got to the ingle-side, and, barring the door, saw that all wassafe, it was now three in the morning; so we thought it by much the bestway of managing, not to think of sleeping any more, but to be on thelook-out--as we aye used to be when walking sentry in the volunteers--incase the flames should, by ony mischancy accident or other, happen tobreak out again. My wife blamed my hardihood muckle, and the rashnesswith which I had ventured at once to places where even masons andsclaters were afraid to put foot on; yet I saw, in the interim, that shelooked on me with a prouder eye--knowing herself the helpmate of one thathad courageously risked his neck, and every bone in his skin, in thecause of humanity. I saw this as plain as a pikestaff, as, with one ofher kindest looks, she insisted on my putting on a better happing toscreen me from the cold, and on my taking something comfortable inwardlytowards the dispelling of bad consequences. So, after half a minute'sstand-out, by way of refusal like, I agreed to a cupful of het-pint, as Ithought it would be a thing Mungo Glen might never have had the goodfortune to have tasted; and as it might operate by way of a cordial onthe callant Benjie, who kept aye smally, and in a dwining way. No soonersaid than done--and off Nanse brushed in a couple of hurries to make thehet-pint. 

After the small beer was put into the pan to boil, we found to our greatmortification, that there were no eggs in the house, and Benjie was sentout with a candle to the hen house, to see if any of the hens had laidsince gloaming, and fetch what he could get. In the middle of the meantime, I was expatiating to Mungo on what taste it would have, and how hehad never seen anything finer than it would be, when in ran Benjie, allout of breath, and his face as pale as a dishclout. 

"What's the matter, Benjie, what's the matter?" said I to him, rising upfrom my chair in a great hurry of a fright--"Has onybody killed ye? or isthe fire broken out again? or has the French landed? or have ye seen aghost? or are--"

"Eh, crifty!" cried Benjie, coming till his speech, "they're a' aff--cockand hens and a'--there's naething left but the rotten nest-egg in thecorner!"

This was an awful dispensation, of which more hereafter. In the midst ofthe desolation of the fire--such is the depravity of human nature--somene'er-do-weels had taken advantage of my absence to break open thehen-house door; and our whole stock of poultry, the cock along with ourseven hens--two of them tappit, and one muffed--were carried away bodily, stoop and roop. 

On this subject, howsoever, I shall say no more in this chapter, butmerely observe in conclusion, that as to our het-pint, we were obligatedto make the best of a bad bargain, making up with whisky what it wantedin eggs; though our banquet could not be called altogether a merry one, the joys of our escape from the horrors of the fire being damped, as itwere by a wet blanket, on account of the nefarious pillaging of ourhen-house. 

CHAPTER TWENTY--MANSIE'S ADVENTURES IN THE SPORTING LINE

The situation of me and my family at this time affords an example of thetruth of the old proverb, that "ae evil never comes its lane"; being nosooner quit of our dread concerning the burning, than we were doomed byProvidence to undergo the disaster of the rookery of our hen-house. Ibelieve I have mentioned the number of our stock--to wit, a cock andseven hens, eight in all; but I neglected, on account of their size, orsomehow overlooked, the two bantams, than which two more neat orcuriouser-looking creatures were not to be seen in the wholecountry-side. The hennie was quite a conceit of a thing, and laid an eggnot muckle bigger than my thimble; while, for its size, the bit he-anewas, for spirit in the fechting line, a perfect wee deevil incarnate. 

Most fortunately for my family in this matter, it so happened that, bypaying in half-a-crown a-year, I was a regular member of a society forprosecuting all whom it might concern, that dabbled with foul fingers inthe sinful and lawless trade of thievery, breaking the eighth commandmentat no allowance, and drawing on their heads not only the passingpunishments of this world, by way of banishment to Botany Bay, or hangingat the Luckenbooths, but the threatened vengeance of one that will lastfor ever and ever. 

Accordingly, putting on my hat about nine o'clock, or thereabouts, whenthe breakfast things were removing from the bit table, I poppit out, inthe first and foremost instance, to take a vizzy of the depredation theflames had made in our neighbourhood. Losh keep us all, what a spectacleof wreck and ruination! The roof was clean off and away, as if athunderbolt from heaven had knocked it down through the two floors, carrying every thing before it like a perfect whirlwind. Nought werestanding but black, bare walls, a perfect picture of desolation; somewith the bit pictures on nails still hanging up where the rooms werelike; and others with old coats hanging on pins; and empty bottles inboles, and so on. Indeed, Jacob Glowr, who was standing by my side withhis specs on, could see as plain as a pikestaff, a tea-kettle still onthe fire, in the hearth-place of one of the gable garrets, where MissJenny Withershins lived, but happened luckily, at the era of theconflagration, to be away to Prestonpans, on a visit to some of herfar-away cousins, providentially for her safety, greviously, at that verytime, smitten with the sciatics. 

Having satisfied my eyes with a daylight view of the terribledevastation, I went away leisurely up the street with my hands in mybreeches-pockets, comparing the scene in my mind with the downfall ofBabylon the Great, and Sodom and Gomorrah, and Tyre and Sidon, andJerusalem, and all the lave of the great towns that had fallen to decay, according to the foretelling of the sacred prophets, until I came to thedoor of Donald Gleig, the head of the Thief Society, to whom I related, from beginning to end, the whole business of the hen-stealing. 'Od hewas a mettle bodie of a creature; far north, Aberdeen-awa like, andlooking at two sides of a halfpenny; but, to give the devil his due, inthis instance he behaved to me like a gentleman. Not only did Donaldsend through the drum in the course of half an hour, offering a rewardfor the apprehension of the offenders of three guineas, names concealed, but he got a warrant granted to Francie Deep, the sherry-officer, to makesearch in the houses of several suspicious persons. 

The reward offered by tuck of drum failed, nobody making application tothe crier; but the search succeeded; as, after turning everythingtopsy-turvy, the feathers were found in a bag, in the house of an oldwoman of vile character, who contrived to make out a way of living byhiring beds at twopence a-night to Eirish travellers--South-countrypackmen--sturdy beggars, men and women, and weans of them--Yetholmtinklers--wooden-legged sailors without Chelsea pensions--dumbspaewomen--keepers of wild-beast shows--dancing-dog folk--spunk-makers, and suchlike pick-pockets. The thing was as plain as the loof of myhand; for, besides great suspicion, what was more, was the finding thehead of the muffed hen, to which I could have sworn, lying in abye-corner; the body itself not being so kenspeckle in its disjasketstate--as it hung twirling in a string by its legs before the fire, allbuttered over with swine's seam, and half roasted. 

After some little ado, and having called in two men that were passing tohelp us to take them prisoners, in case of their being refractory, wecarried them by the lug and the horn before a justice of peace. 

Except the fact of the stolen goods being found in their possession, itso chanced, ye observe, that we had no other sort of evidence whatsoever;but we took care to examine them one at a time, the one not hearing whatthe other said; so, by dint of cross-questioning by one who well knew howto bring fire out of flint, we soon made the guilty convict themselves, and brought the transaction home to two wauf-looking fellows that we hadgot smoking in a corner. From the speerings that were put to them duringtheir examination, it was found that they tried to make a way of doing byswindling folks at fairs by the game of the garter. Indeed, it wasstupid of me not to recognise their faces at first sight, having observedboth of them loitering about our back bounds the afternoon before; andone of them, the tall one with the red head and fustian jacket, havingbeen in my shop in the fore part of the night, about the gloaming like, asking me as a favour for a yard or two of spare runds, or selvages. 

I have aye heard that seeing is believing; and that youth might take awarning from the punishment that sooner or later is ever tacked to thetail of crime, I took Benjie and Mungo to hear the trial; and two morerueful faces than they put on, when they looked at the culprits, werenever seen since Adam was a boy. It was far different with the twoEirishers, who showed themselves so hardened by a long course of sin andmisery, that, instead of abasing themselves in the face of a magistrate, they scarcely almost gave a civil answer to a single question which wasspeered at them. Howsoever, they paid for that at a heavy ransom, as yeshall hear by and by. 

Having been kept all night in the cold tolbooth on bread and water, without either coal or candle to warm their toes, or let them see whatthey were doing, they were harled out amid an immense crowd of young andold, more especially wives and weans, at eleven o'clock on the nextforenoon, to the endurance of a punishment which ought to have afflictedthem almost as muckle as that of death itself. 

When the key of the jail door was thrawn, and the two loons brought out, there was a bumming of wonder, and maybe sorrow, among the terriblecrowd, to see fellow-creatures so left alone to themselves as to haverobbed an honest man's hen-house at the dead hour of night, when a firewas bleezing next door, and the howl of desolation soughing over the townlike a visible judgment. One of them, as I said before, had a red pow, and a foraging cap, with a black napkin roppined round his weasand; ajean jacket with six pockets, and square tails; a velveteen waistcoatwith plated buttons; corduroy breeches buttoned at the knees; rig-and-furstockings; and heavy, clanking wooden clogs. The other, who was littleand round-shouldered, with a bull neck and bushy black whiskers, justlike a shoebrush stuck to each cheek of his head, as if he had been atravelling agent for Macassar, had on a low-crowned, plated beaver hat, with the end of a peacock's feather, stuck in the band; a long-tailed oldblack coat, as brown as a berry, and as bare as my loof, to say nothingof being out at both elbows. His trowsers, I dare say, had once beennankeen; but as they did not appear to have seen the washing-tub for aseason or two, it would be rash to give any decided opinion on that head. In short, they were two awful-like raggamuffins. 

Women, however, are aye sympathizing and merciful; so as I was standingamong the crowd, as they came down the tolbooth stair, chained togetherby the cuffs of the coat, one said, "Wae's me! what a weel-faur'd fellow, wi' the red head, to be found guilty of stealing folk's hen-houses. "--Andanother one said, "Hech, sirs! what a bonny blackaviced man that littleane is, to be paraded through the streets for a warld's wonder!" But Isaid nothing, knowing the thing was just, and a wholesome example;holding Benjie on my shoulder to see the poukit hens tied about theirnecks like keeking-glasses. But, puh! the fellows did not give one pinchof snuff; so off they set, and in this manner were drummed through thebounds of the parish, a constable walking at each side of them withLochaber axes, and the town-drummer row-de-dowing the thief's march attheir backs. It was a humbling sight. 

My heart was sorrowful, notwithstanding the ills they had done me andmine, by the nefarious pillaging of our hen-house, to see two humancreatures of the same flesh and blood as myself, undergoing the righteoussentence of the law, in a manner so degrading to themselves, and sopitiful to all that beheld them. But, nevertheless, considering whatthey had done, they neither deserved, nor did they seem to care forcommiseration, holding up their brazen faces as if they had been taking apleasure walk for the benefit of their health, and the poukit hens, thatdangled before them, ornaments of their bravery. The whole crowd, youngand old, followed them from one end of the town to the other, liking toding one another over, so anxious were they to get a sight of what wasgoing on; but when they came to the gate-end, they stopped and gave thene'er-do-weels three cheers. What think you did the ne'er-do-weels do inreturn? Fie shame! they took off their old scrapers and gave a huzzatoo; clapping their hands behind them, in a manner as deplorable torelate as it was shocking to behold. 

Their chains--the things, ye know, that held their cuffs together--wereby this time taken off, along with the poukit hens, which I fancy thetown-offishers took home and cooked for their dinner; so they shook handswith the drummer, wishing him a good-day and a pleasant walk home, brushing away on the road to Edinburgh, where their wives and weans, whohad no doubt made a good supper on the spuilzie of the hens, had goneaway before, maybe to have something comfortable for their arrival, theirwalk being likely to give them an appetite. 

Had they taken away all the rest of the hens, and only left the bantams, on which they must have found but desperate little eating, and the muffedone, I would have cared less; it being from several circumstances a petone in the family, having been brought in a blackbird's cage by thecarrier from Lauder, from my wife's mother, in a present to Benjie on hisbirth-day. The creature almost grat himself blind, when he heard of ourhaving seen it roasting in a string by the legs before the fire, andfound its bonny muffed head in a corner. 

But let alone likings, the callant was otherwise a loser in its death, she having regularly laid a caller egg to him every morning, which he gotalong with his tea and bread, to the no small benefit of his health, being, as I have taken occasion to remark before, far from beingrobusteous in the constitution. I am sure I know one thing, and that is, that I would have willingly given the louns a crown-piece to havepreserved it alive, hen though it was of my own; but no--the bloody deedwas over and done, before we were aware that the poor thing's life wassacrificed. 

The names of the two Eirishers were John Dochart and Dennis Flint, both, according to their own deponement, from the county of Tipperary; andweel-a-wat the place has no great credit in producing two such bairns. Often, after that, did I look through that part of the Advertizernewspapers, that has a list of all the accidents, and so on, just abovethe births, marriages and deaths, which I liked to read regularly. Howsoever, it was two years before I discovered their names again, havingit seems, during a great part of that period, lived under the forged nameof Alias; and I saw that they were both shipped off at Leith, fortransportation to some country called the Hulks, for being habit andrepute thieves, and for having made a practice of coining bad silver. The thing, however, that condemned them, was for having knocked down adrunk man, in a beastly state of intoxication, on the King's highway inbroad daylight; and having robbed him of his hat, wig, and neckcloth, anupper and under vest, a coat and great-coat, a pair of Hessian bootswhich he had on his legs, a silver watch with four brass seals and a key, besides a snuff-box made of boxwood, with an invisible hinge, one of theLawrencekirk breed, a pair of specs, some odd halfpennies, and aCamperdown pocket-napkin. 

But of all months of the year--or maybe, indeed, of my blessedlifetime--this one was the most adventurous. It seemed, indeed, as ifsome especial curse of Providence hung over the canny town of Dalkeith;and that, like the great cities of the plain, we were at long and last tobe burnt up from the face of the earth with a shower of fire andbrimstone. 

Just three days after the drumming of the two Eirish ne'er-do-weels, adeaf and dumb woman came in prophesying at our back door, offering tospae fortunes. She was tall and thin, an unco witch-looking creature, with a runkled brow, sunburnt haffits, and two sharp piercing eyes, likea hawk's, whose glance went through ye like the cut and thrust of atwo-edged sword. On her head she had a tawdry brownish black bonnet, that had not improved from two three years' tholing of sun and wind; athin rag of a grey duffle mantle was thrown over her shoulders, belowwhich was a checked shortgown of gingham stripe, and a green glazed mancopetticoat. Her shoon were terrible bauchles, and her grey worstedstockings, to hide the holes in them, were all dragooned down about herheels. On the whole, she was rather, I must confess, an out-of-the-waycreature; and though I had not muckle faith in these bodies that pretendto see further through a millstone than their neighbours, I somehow orother, taking pity on her miserable condition, being still afellow-creature, though plain in the lugs, had not the heart to huff herout; more by token, as Nanse, Benjie, and the new prentice Mungo, had bythis time got round me, all dying to know what grand fortunes waited themin the years of their after pilgrimage. Sinful creatures that we are!not content with the insight into its ways that Providence affords us, but diving beyond our deeps, only to flounder into the whirlpools oferror. Is it not clear, that had it been for our good, all things wouldhave been revealed to us; and is it not as clear, that not a wink ofsound sleep would we ever have got, had all the ills that have crossedour paths been ranged up before our een, like great black toweringmountains of darkness? How could we have found contentment in our goodsand gear, if we saw them melting from us next year like snow from a dyke;how could we sit down on the elbow-chair of ease, could we see themisfortunes that may make next week a black one; or how could we look akind friend in the face without tears, could we see him, ere a monthmaybe was gone, lying streiked beneath his winding sheet, his eyes closedfor evermore, and his mirth hushed to an awful silence! No, no, let usrest content that Heaven decrees what is best for us; let us do our dutyas men and Christians, and every thing, both here and hereafter, willwork together for our good. 

Having taken a piece of chalk out of her big, greasy, leather pouch, shewrote down on the table, "Your wife, your son, and your prentice. " Thiswas rather curious, and every one of them, a wee thunderstruck like, cried out as they held up their hands, "Losh me! did onybody ever see orhear tell of the like o' that? She's no canny!"--It was gey droll, Ithought; and I was aware from the Witch of Endor, and sundry mentions inthe Old Testament, that things out of the course of nature have more thanonce been permitted to happen; so I reckoned it but right to give thepoor woman a fair hearing, as she deserved. 

"Oh!" said Nanse to me, "ye ken our Benjie's eight year auld; see if shekens; ask her how old he is. "

I had scarcely written down the question, when she wrote beneath it, "Thebonny laddie, your only son, is eight year old: He'll be an admiral yet. "

"An admiral!" said his mother; "that's gey and extraordinar. I neverkenned he had ony inkling for the seafaring line; and I thought, Mansie, you intended bringing him up to your ain trade. But, howsoever, ye'rewrong ye see. I tell't ye he wad either make a spoon or spoil a horn. Itell't ye, ower and ower again, that he would be either something ornaething; what think ye o' that noo?--See if she kens that Mungo comesfrom the country; and where the Lammermoor hills is. "

When I had put down the question, in a jiffie she wrote down beside it, "That boy comes from the high green hills, and his name is Mungo. "

Dog on it! this astonished us more and more, and fairly bamboozled myunderstanding; as I thought there surely must be some league and pactionwith the Old One; but the further in the deeper. She then pointed to mywife, writing down, "Your name is Nancy"--and turning to me, as she madesome dumbie signs, she chalked down, "Your name is Mansie Wauch, thatsaved the precious life of an old bedridden woman from the fire; and willsoon get a lottery ticket of twenty thousand pounds. "

Knowing the truth of the rest of what she had said, I could not helpjumping on the floor with joy, and seeing that she was up to everything, as plain as if it had happened in her presence. The good news set us alla skipping like young lambs, my wife and the laddies clapping their handsas if they had found a fiddle; so, jealousing they might lose theirdiscretion in their mirth, I turned round to the three, holding up myhand, and saying, "In the name o' Gudeness, dinna mention this to onyleeving sowl; as, mind ye, I havena taken out the ticket yet. The doingso might not only set them to the sinful envying of our good fortune, asforbidden in the tenth commandment, but might lead away ourselves to begutting our fish before we get them. "

"Mind then, " said Nanse, "about your promise to me, concerning the silkgown, and the pair--"

"Wheesht, wheesht, gudewifie, " answered I. "There's a braw time coming. We must not be in ower great a hurry. "

I then bade the woman sit down by the ingle cheek, and our wife to giveher a piece of cold beef, and a shave of bread, besides twopence out ofmy own pocket. Some, on hearing siccan sums mentioned, would haveimmediately struck work, but, even in the height of my grandexpectations, I did not forget the old saying, that "a bird in the handis worth two in the bush"; and being thrang with a pair of leggins forEben Bowsie, I brushed away ben to the workshop, thinking the woman, orwitch, or whatever she was, would have more freedom and pleasure ineating by herself. --That she had, I am now bound to say by experience. 

 [Picture: James Batter]

Two days after, when we were sitting at our comfortable four-hours, incame little Benjie, running out of breath--just at the dividual moment oftime my wife and me were jeering one another, about how we would behavewhen we came to be grand ladies and gentlemen, keeping a flunkiemaybe--to tell us, that when he was playing at the bools, on theplainstones before the old kirk, he had seen the deaf and dumb spaewifeharled away to the tolbooth, for stealing a pair of trowsers that werehanging drying on a tow in Juden Elshinder's back close. I couldscarcely credit the callant, though I knew he would not tell a lie forsixpence; and I said to him, "Now be sure, Benjie, before ye speak. Thetongue is a dangerous weapon, and apt to bring folk into trouble--itmight be another woman. "

It was real cleverality in the callant. He said, "Ay, faither, but itwas her; and she contrived to bring herself into trouble without a tongueat a'. "

I could not help laughing at this, it showed Benjie to be such a genius;so he said, "Ye needa laugh, faither; for it's as true's death it was her. Do youthink I didna ken in a minute our cheese-toaster, that used to hingbeside the kitchen fire; and that the sherry-offisher took out fraebeneath her grey cloak?"

The smile went off Nanse's cheek like lightning, she said it could not betrue; but she would go to the kitchen to see. I'fegs it was too true;for she never came back to tell the contrary. 

This was really and truly a terrible business, but the truth for allthat; the cheese-toaster casting up not an hour after, in the hands ofDaniel Search, to whom I gave a dram. The loss of the tin cheese-toasterwould have been a trifle, especially as it was broken in the handle--butthis was an awful blow to the truth of the thieving dumbie's grandprophecy. Nevertheless, it seemed at the time gey puzzling to me, tothink how a deaf and dumb woman, unless she had some wonderful gift, could have told us what she did. 

On the next day, the Friday, I think, that story was also made as clearas daylight to us; for being banished out of the town as a common thiefand vagabond, down on the Musselburgh Road, by order of a justice of thepeace, it was the bounden duty of Daniel Search and Geordie Sharp to seeher safe past the kennel, the length of Smeaton. They then tried to makeher understand by writing on the wall, that if ever again she was seen orheard tell of in the town, she would be banished to Botany Bay; but shehad a great fight, it seems, to make out Daniel's bad spelling, he havingbeen very ill yedicated, and no deacon at the pen. 

Howsoever, they got her to understand their meaning, by giving her ashove forward by the shoulders, and aye pointing down to Inveresk. Thinking she did not hear them, they then took upon themselves theliberty of calling her some ill names, and bade her good-day as a badone. But she was upsides with them for acting, in that respect, abovetheir commission; for she wheeled round again to them, and snapping herfingers at their noses, gave a curse, and bade them go home for a coupleof dirty Scotch vermin. 

The two men were perfectly dumfoundered at hearing the tongue-tied wifespeaking as good English as themselves; and could not help stopping tolook after her for a long way on the road, as every now and then shestuck one of her arms a-kimbo in her side, and gave a dance round in thewhirling-jig way, louping like daft, and lilting like a grey-lintie. From her way of speaking, they also saw immediately that she too was anEirisher. --They must be a bonny family when they are all at home. 

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE--ANENT THE YOUNG CALLANT MUNGO GLEN

Perhaps, since I was born, I do not remember such a string of casualtiesas happened to me and mine, all within the period of one short fortnight. To say nothing connected with the play-acting business, which wasimmediately before--first came Mungo Glen's misfortune with regard to theblood-soiling of the new nankeen trowsers, the foremost of histransactions, and a bad omen--next, the fire, and all its wonderfuls, thesaving of the old bedridden woman's precious life, and the destruction ofthe poor cat--syne the robbery of the hen-house by the Eirishne'er-do-weels, who paid so sweetly for their pranks--and lastly, thehoax, the thieving of the cheese-toaster without the handle, and thebanishment of the spaewife. 

These were awful signs of the times, and seemed to say that the world wasfast coming to a finis; the ends of the earth appearing to have combinedin a great Popish plot of villany. Every man that had a heart to feel, must have trembled amid these threatening, judgment-like, and calamitousevents. As for my own part, the depravity of the nations, which most ofthese scenes showed me, I must say, fell heavily upon my spirit; and Icould not help thinking of the old cities of the plain, over thehouse-tops of which, for their heinous sins and iniquitous abominations, the wrath of the Almighty showered down fire and brimstone from heaventill the very earth melted and swallowed them up for ever and ever. 

These added to the number, to be sure; but not that I had never beforeseen signs and wonders in my time. I had seen the friends of thepeople, --and the scarce years, --and the bloody gulleteening over-byeamong the French blackguards, --and the business of Watt and Downie nearerhome, at our own doors almost, in Edinburgh like, --and the calling out ofthe volunteers, --and divers sea-fights at Camperdown and elsewhere, --andland battles countless, --and the American war, part o't, --and awfulmurders, --and mock fights in the Duke's Parks, --and highwayrobberies, --and breakings of all the Ten Commandments, from the first tothe last; so that, allowing me to have had but a common spunk ofreflection, I must, like others, have cast a wistful eye on the ongoingsof men: and, if I had not strength to pour out my inward lamentations, Icould not help thinking, with fear and trembling, at the rebellion ofsuch a worm as man, against a Power whose smallest word could extinguishhis existence, and blot him out in a twinkling from the roll of livingthings. 

But, if I was much affected, the callant Mungo was a great deal more. From the days in which he had lain in his cradle, he had been brought upin a remote and quiet part of the country, far from the bustling oftowns, and from man encountering man in the stramash of daily life; sothat his heart seemed to pine within him like a flower, for want of theblessed morning dew; and, like a bird that has been catched in a girnamong the winter snows, his appetite failed him, and he fell away fromhis meat and his clothes. 

I was vexed exceedingly to see the callant in this dilemmy, for he wasgrowing very tall and thin, his chaft-blades being lank and white, andhis eyes of a hollow drumliness, as if he got no refreshment from theslumbers of the night. Beholding all this work of destruction going onin silence, I spoke to his friend Mrs Grassie about him, and she was somotherly as to offer to have a glass of port-wine, stirred with bestjesuit's barks, ready for him every forenoon at twelve o'clock; forreally nobody could be but interested in the laddie, he was so gentle andmodest, making never a word of complaint, though melting like snow off adyke; and, though he must have suffered both in body and mind, enduringall with a silent composure, worthy of a holy martyr. 

Perceiving things going on from bad to worse, I thought it was best tobreak the matter to him, as he was never like to speak himself; and Iasked him in a friendly way, as we were sitting together on the boardfinishing a pair of fustian overalls for Maister Bob Bustle--a ridingclerk for one of the Edinburgh spirit shops, but who liked aye to havehis clothes of the Dalkeith cut, having been born, bred, and educated inour town, like his forbears before him--if there was anything the matterwith him, that he was aye so dowie and heartless? Never shall I forgetthe look he gave me as he lifted up his eyes, in which I could seevisible distress painted as plain as the figures of the saints on oldkirk windows; but he told me, with a faint smile, that he had nothingparticular to complain of, only that he would have liked to have diedamong his friends, as he could not live from home, and away from the lifehe had been accustomed to all his days. 

'Od, I was touched to the quick; and when I heard him speaking of deathin such a calm, quiet way, I found something, as if his words were wordsof prophecy, and as if I had seen a sign that told me he was not to belong for this world. Howsoever, I hope I had more sense than to let thisbe seen, so I said to him, "Ou, if that be a', Mungo, ye'll soon come tolike us a' well enough. Ye should take a stout heart, man; and when yourprenticeship's done, ye'll gang hame and set up for a great man, makingcoats for all the lords and lairds in broad Lammermoor. "

"Na, na, " answered the callant with a trembling voice, which mostly mademy heart swell to my mouth, and brought the tear to my eye, "I'll neversee the end of my prenticeship, nor Lammermoor again. "

"Hout touts, man, " quo' I, "never speak in that sort o' way; it'sdistrustfu' and hurtful. Live in hope, though we should die in despair. When ye go home again, ye'll be as happy as ever. "

"Eh, na--never, never, even though I was to gang hame the morn. I'llnever be as I was before. I lived and lived on, never thinking that suchdays were to come to an end--but now I find it can, and must beotherwise. The thoughts of my heart have been broken in upon, andnothing can make whole what has been shivered to pieces. "

This was to the point, as Dannie Thummel said to his needle; so just forspeaking's sake, and to rouse him up a bit, I said, "Keh, man, what needye care sae muckle about the country?--It'll never be like our bonnystreets, with all the braw shop windows, and the auld kirk; and thestands with the horn spoons and luggies; and all the carts on themarket-days; and the Duke's gate, and so on. "

"Ay, but, maister, " answered Mungo, "ye was never brought up in thecountry--ye never kent what it was to wander about in the simmer glens, wi' naething but the warm sun looking down on ye, the blue watersstreaming ower the braes, the birds singing, and the air like to growsick wi' the breath of blooming birks, and flowers of all colours, andwild-thyme sticking full of bees, humming in joy and thankfulness--Yenever kent, maister, what it was to wake in the still morning, when, looking out, ye saw the snaws lying for miles round about ye on thehills, breast deep, shutting ye out from the world, as it were; the footof man never coming during the storm to your door, nor the voice of astranger heard from ae month's end till the ither. See, it is coming ono' hail the now, and my mother with my sister--I have but ane--and myfour brithers, will be looking out into the drift, and missing me awayfor the first time frae their fireside. They'll hae a dreary winter o't, breaking their hearts for me--their ballants and their stories will neverbe sae funny again--and my heart is breaking for them. "

With this, the tears prap-prapped down his cheeks, but his pride bade himturn his head round to hide them from me. A heart of stone would havefelt for him. 

I saw it was in vain to persist long, as the laddie was falling out ofhis clothes as fast as leaves from the November tree; so I wrote home bylimping Jamie the carrier, telling his father the state of things, andadvising him, as a matter of humanity, to take his son out to the freeair of the hills again, as the town smoke did not seem to agree with hisstomach; and, as he might be making a sticked tailor of one who wascapable of being bred a good farmer; no mortal being likely to make agreat progress in any thing, unless the heart goes with the handiwork. 

Some folks will think I acted right, and others wrong in this matter; ifI erred, it was on the side of mercy and my conscience does not upbraidme for the transaction. In due course of time, I had an answer from MrGlen; and we got everything ready and packed up, against the hour thatJamie was to set out again. 

Mungo got himself all dressed; and Benjie had taken such a liking to him, that I thought he would have grutten himself senseless when he heard hewas going away back to his own home. One would not have imagined, thatsuch a sincere friendship could have taken root in such a short time; butthe bit creature Benjie was as warm-hearted a callant as ye ever saw. Mungo told him, that if he would not cry he would send him in a presentof a wee ewe-milk cheese whenever he got home; which promise pacifiedhim, and he asked me if Benjie would come out for a month gin simmer, when he would let him see all worthy observation along the country side. 

When we had shaken hands with Mungo, and, after fastening his comforterabout his neck, wished him a good journey, we saw him mounted on thefront of limping Jamie's cart; and, as he drove away, I must confess myheart was grit. I could not help running up the stair, and pulling upthe fore-window to get a long look after him. Away, and away they wore;in a short time, the cart took a turn and disappeared; and, when I drewdown the window, and sauntered, with my arms crossed, back to theworkshop, something seemed amissing, and the snug wee place, with itsshapings, and runds, and paper-measurings, and its bit fire, seemed in myeyes to look douff and gousty. 

Whether in the jougging of the cart, or what else I cannot say, but it'san unco story; for on the road, it turned out that poor Mungo was seizedwith a terrible pain in his side; and, growing worse and worse, wasobliged to be left at Lauder, in the care of a decent widow woman thathad a blind eye, and a room to let furnished. 

It was not for two-three days that we learnt these awful tidings, whichgreatly distressed us all; and I gave the driver of the Lauder coachthreepence to himself, to bring us word every morning, as he passed thedoor, how the laddie was going on. 

I learned shortly, that his father and mother had arrived, which was onecomfort; but that matters with poor Mungo were striding on from bad toworse, being pronounced, by a skeely doctor, to be in a gallopingconsumption--and not able to be removed home, a thing that the laddiefreaked and pined for night and day. At length, hearing for certain thathe had not long to live, I thought myself bound to be at the expense oftaking a ride out on the top of the coach, though I was aware of thedanger of the machine's whiles couping, if it were for no more than tobid him fare-ye-weel--and I did so. 

It was a cold cloudy day in February, and everything on the road lookeddowie and cheerless; the very cows and sheep, that crowded coweringbeneath the trees in the parks, seemed to be grieving for some disaster, and hanging down their heads like mourners at a burial. The rain whilesobliged me to put up my umbrella, and there was nobody on the top besideme, save a deaf woman, that aye said "ay" to every question I speered, and with whom I found it out of the power of man to carry on any rationalconversation; so I was obliged to sit glowering from side to side at thebleak bare fields--and the plashing grass--and the gloomy dull woods--andthe gentlemen's houses, of which I knew not the names--and the fearfulrough hills, that put me in mind of the wilderness, and of theabomination of desolation mentioned in scripture, I believe in Ezekiel. The errand I was going on, to be sure, helped to make me more sorrowful;and I could not think on human life without agreeing with Solomon, that"all was vanity and vexation of spirit. "

At long and last, when we came to our journey's end, and I louped off thetop of the coach, Maister Glen came out to the door, and bad me haste meif I wished to see Mungo breathing. Save us! to think that a poor youngthing was to be taken away from life and the cheerful sun, thus suddenly, and be laid in the cold damp mools, among the moudiewarts and the greenbanes, "where there is no work or device. " But what will ye say there?it was the will of Him, who knows best what is for his creatures, and towhom we should--and must submit. I was just in time to see the last rowof his glazing een, that then stood still for ever, as he lay, with hisface as pale as clay, on the pillow, his mother holding his hand, andsob-sobbing with her face leant on the bed, as if her hope was departed, and her heart would break. I went round about, and took hold of theother one for a moment; but it was clammy, and growing cold with thecoldness of grim death. I could hear my heart beating; but Mungo's heartstood still, like a watch that has run itself down. Maister Glen sat inthe easy chair, with his hand before his eyes, saying nothing, andshedding not a tear; for he was a strong, little, blackaviced man, with afeeling heart, but with nerves of steel. The rain rattled on the window, and the smoke gave a swarl as the wind rummelled in the lum. The hourspoke to the soul, and the silence was worth twenty sermons. 

They who would wish to know the real value of what we are all over-apt toprize in this world, should have been there too, and learnt a lesson notsoon to be forgotten. I put my hand in my coat-pocket for my napkin togive my eyes a wipe, but found it was away, and feared much I had droppedit on the road; though in this I was happily mistaken, having, before Iwent to my bed, found that on my journey I had tied it over my neckcloth, to keep away sore throats. 

It was a sad heart to us all to see the lifeless creature in his whitenightcap and eyes closed, lying with his yellow hair spread on thepillow; and we went out, that the women-folk might cover up thelooking-glass and the face of the clock, ere they proceeded to dress thebody in its last clothes--clothes that would never need changing; but, when we were half down the stair, and I felt glad with the thoughts ofgetting to the fresh air, we were obliged to turn up again for a little, to let the man past that was bringing in the dead deal. 

But why weave a long story out of the materials of sorrow? or endeavourto paint feelings that have no outward sign, lying shut up within thesanctuary of the heart? The grief of a father and a mother can only beconceived by them who, as fathers and mothers, have suffered the loss oftheir bairns, --a treasure more precious to nature than silver or gold, home to the land-sick sailor, or daylight to the blind man sittingbeaking in the heat of the morning sun. 

The coffin having been ordered to be got ready with all haste, two menbrought it on their shoulders betimes on the following morning; and itwas a sight that made my blood run cold to see the dead corpse of poorMungo, my own prentice, hoisted up from the bed, and laid in hisblack-handled, narrow housie. All had taken their last looks, the lidwas screwed down by means of screw-drivers, and I read the plate, whichsaid, "Mungo Glen, aged 15. " Alas! early was he cut off from among theliving--a flower snapped in its spring blossom--and an awful warning tous all, sinful and heedless mortals, of the uncertainty of this state ofbeing. 

In the course of the forenoon, Maister Glen's cart was brought to thedoor, drawn by two black horses with long tails and hairy feet, a tramone and a leader. Though the job shook my nerves, I could not refuse togive them a hand down the stair with the coffin, which had a fief-likesmell of death and saw-dust; and we got it fairly landed in the cart, among clean straw. I saw the clodhapper of a ploughman aye dighting hiseen with the sleeve of his big-coat. 

The mother, Mistress Glen, a little fattish woman, and as fine a homelybody as ye ever met with, but sorely distracted at this time by sorrow, sat at the head, with her bonnet drawn over her face, and her shawlthrown across her shoulders, being a blue and red spot on a white ground. It was a dismal-like-looking thing to see her sitting there, with thedead body of her son at her feet; and, at the side of it, his kist withhis claes, on the top of which was tied--not being room for it in theinside like (for he had twelve shirts, and three pair of trowsers, and aSunday and every day's coat, with stockings and other things)--his oldwhite beaver hat, turned up behind, which he used to wear when he waswith me. His Sunday's hat I did not see; but most likely it was in amonghis claes, to keep it from the rain, and preserved, no doubt, for the useof some of his little brothers, please God, when they grew up a weebigger. 

Seeing Maister Glen, who had cut his chin in shaving, in a worn-outdisjasket state, mounted on his sheltie, I shook hands with them both;and, in my thoughtlessness, wished them "a good journey, "--knowing wellwhat a sorrowful home-going it would be to them, and what their bairnswould think when they saw what was lying in the cart beside their mother. On this the big ploughman, that wore a broad blue bonnet and corduroyscutikins, with a grey big-coat slit up behind in the manner I commonlymade for laddies, gave his long whip a crack, and drove off to theeastward. 

It would be needless in me to waste precious time in relating how Ireturned to my own country, especially as I may be thankful that nothingparticular happened, excepting the coach-wheels riding over an old dogthat was lying sleeping on the middle of the road, and, poor brute, nearly got one of his fore-paws chacked off. The day was sharp andfrosty and all the passengers took a loup off at a yill-house, with aHighlandman on the sign of it, to get a dram, to gar them bear up againstthe cold; yet knowing what had but so lately happened, and having thefears of Maister Wiggie before my eyes, I had made a solemn vow withinmyself, not to taste liquor for six months at least; nor would I herebreak my word, tho' much made a fool of by an Englisher, and a fouEirisher, who sang all the road; contenting myself, in the best way Icould, with a tumbler of strong beer and two butter-bakes. 

It is an old proverb, and a true one, that there is no rest to thewicked; so when I got home, I found business crying out for me loudly, having been twice wanted to take the measure for suits of clothes. Ofcourse, knowing that my two customers would be wearying, I immediatelycut my stick to their houses, and promised without fail to have my workdone against the next Sabbath. Whether from my hurry, or my grief forpoor Mungo, or maybe from both, I found on the Saturday night, when theclothes were sent home on the arm of Tammie Bodkin, whom I was obliged tohire by way of foresman, that some awful mistake had occurred--the dressof the one having been made for the back of the other, the one being longand tall, the other thick and short; so that Maister Peter Pole's cuffsdid not reach above half-way down his arms, and the tails ended at thesmall of his back, rendering him a perfect fright; while Maister WattyFirkin's new coat hung on him like a dreadnought, the sleeves coming overthe nebs of his fingers, and the hainch buttons hanging down between hisheels, making him resemble a mouse below a firlot. With some persuasion, however, there being but small difference in the value of the cloths, theone being a west of England bottle-green, and the other a Manchesterblue, I caused them to niffer, and hushed up the business, which, hadthey been obstreperous, would have made half the parish of Dalkeith standon end. 

After poor Mungo had been beneath the mools, I daresay a good month, Benjie, as he was one forenoon diverting himself dozing his top in theroom where they sleeped, happened to drive it in below the bed, where, scrambling in on his hands and feet, he found a half sheet of paperwritten over in Mungo's hand-writing, the which he brought to me; and, onlooking over it, I found it jingled in metre like the Psalms of David. 

Having no skeel in these matters, I sent up the close for James Batter, who, being a member of the fifteenpence a-quarter subscription book-club, had read a power of all sorts of things, sacred and profane. James, ashe was humming it over with his specs on his beak, gave now and then athump on his thigh, "Prime, prime, man; fine, prime, good, capital!" andso on, which astonished me much, kenning who had written it--a callantthat had sleeped with our Benjie, and could not have shaped a pair ofleggins though we had offered him the crown of the three kingdoms. 

Seeing what it was thought of by one who knew what was what, and coulddistinguish the difference between a B and a bull's foot, I judged itnecessary for me to take a copy of it; which, for the benefit of themthat like poems, I do not scruple to tag to the tail of this chapter. 

 Oh, wad that my time were ower but, Wi' this wintry sleet and snaw, That I might see our house again I' the bonny birken shaw!-- For this is no my ain life, And I peak and pine away Wi' the thochts o' hame, and the young flow'rs I' the glad green month o' May. 

 I used to wauk in the morning Wi' the loud sang o' the lark, And the whistling o' the ploughmen lads As they gaed to their wark; I used to weir in the young lambs Frae the tod and the roaring stream; But the warld is changed, and a' thing now To me seems like a dream. 

 There are busy crowds around me On ilka lang dull street; Yet, though sae mony surround me I kenna ane I meet. And I think on kind, kent faces, And o' blythe and cheery days, When I wander'd out, wi' our ain folk, Out-owre the simmer braes. 

 Wae's me, for my heart is breaking! I think on my brithers sma', And on my sister greeting, When I came fra hame awa And oh! how my mither sobbi, As she shook me by the hand; When I left the door o' our auld house, To come to this stranger land;

 There's nae place like our ain hame; Oh, I wish that I was there!-- There's nae hame like our ain hame To be met wi' ony where!-- And oh! that I were back again To our farm and fields so green; And heard the tongues o' my ain folk, And was what I hae been!

That's poor Mungo's poem; which I and James Batter, and the rest, thinkexcellent, and not far short of Robert Burns himself, had he been spared. Some may judge otherwise, out of bad taste or ill nature; but I wouldjust thank them to write a better at their leisure. 

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO--THE JUNE JAUNT WITH PETER FARREL

After Tammie Bodkin had been working with me on the board for more thanfour years in the capacity of foresman, superintending the workshopdepartment, together with the conduct and conversation of Joe Breeky, Walter Cuff, and Jack Thorl, my three bounden apprentices, I thought Imight lippen him awee to try his hand in the shaping line, especiallywith the clothes of such of our customers as I knew were not very nice, provided they got enough of cutting from the Manchester manufacture, androom to shake themselves in. The upshot, however, proved to a moralcertainty, that such a length of tether is not chancey for youth, andthat a master cannot be too much on the head of his own business. 

It was in the pleasant month of June, sometime, maybe six or eight days, after the birth-day of our good old King George the Third--for Irecollect the withering branches of lily-oak and flowers still stickingup behind the signs, and over the lamp-posts, --that my respectedacquaintance and customer, Peter Farrel the baker, to whom I have mademany a good suit of pepper-and-salt clothes--which he preferred fromtheir not dirtying so easily with the bakehouse--called in upon me, requesting me, in a very pressing manner, to take a pleasure ride up withhim the length of Roslin, in his good-brother's bit phieton, to eat awheen strawberries, and see how the forthcoming harvest was getting on. 

That the offer was friendly admitted not of doubt, but I did not like toaccept for two-three reasons; among which were, in the first place, myawareness of the danger of riding in such vehicles--having read sundrytimes in the newspapers of folk having been tumbled out of them, drunk orsober, head-foremost, and having got eyes knocked ben, skulls cloured, and collar-bones broken; and, in the second place, the expense of feedingthe horse, together with our feeding ourselves in meat and drink duringthe journey--let alone tolls, strawberries and cream, bawbees to thewaiter, the hostler, and what not. But let me speak the knock-him-downtruth, and shame the de'il, --above all, I was afraid of being seen by myemployers wheeling about, on a work-day, like a gentleman, dressed out inmy best, and leaving my business to mind itself as it best could. 

Peter Farrel, however, being a man of determination, stuck to his textlike a horse-leech; so, after a great to-do, and considerableargle-bargling, he got me, by dint of powerful persuasion, to give him myhand on the subject. Accordingly, at the hour appointed, I popped up theback loan with my stick in my hand--Peter having agreed to be waiting forme on the roadside, a bit beyond the head of the town, near Gallows-halltoll. The cat should be let out of the pock by my declaring, that Nanse, the goodwife, had also a finger in the pie--as, do what ye like, womenwill make their points good--she having overcome me in her wheedling way, by telling me, that it was curious I had no ambition to speel the ladderof gentility, and hold up my chin in imitation of my betters. 

That we had a most beautiful drive I cannot deny; for though I would notallow Peter to touch the horse with the whip, in case it might run away, fling, or trot ower fast--and so we made but slow progress--little moreeven than walking; yet, as I told him, it gave a man leisure to use hiseyes, and make observation to the right and the left; and so we had aprime look of Eskbank, and Newbottle Abbey, and Melville Castle, andDalhousie, and Polton, and Hawthornden, and Dryden woods--and the powdermills, the paper mills, the bleachfield--and so on. The day was brightand beautiful, and the feeling of summer came over our bosoms: theflowers blossomed and the birds sang; and, as the sun looked from theblue sky, the quiet of nature banished from our thoughts all the poor andpaltry cares that embitter life, and all the pitiful considerations whichare but too apt to be the only concerns of the busy and bustling, fromtheir awaking in the morning to their lying down on the pillow of eveningrest. Peter and myself felt this forcibly; he, as he confessed to me, having entirely forgot the four pan-soled loaves that were, that morning, left by his laddie, Peter Crust, in the oven, and burned to sticks; andfor my own part, do what I liked, I could not bring myself to mind whatpiece of work I was employed on the evening before, till, far on theroad, I recollected that it was a pair of mouse-brown spatterdashes forworthy old Mr Mooleypouch the mealmonger. 

Oh, it is a pleasant thing, now and then, to get a peep of the country!To them who live among shops and markets, and stone-walls, andbutcher-stalls, and fishwives--and the smell of ready-made tripe, redherring, and Cheshire cheeses--the sights, and sounds, and smells of thecountry, bring to mind the sinless days of the world before the fall ofman, when all was love, peace, and happiness. Peter Farrel and I weretransported out of our seven senses, as we feasted our eyes on the beautyof the green fields. The bumbees were bizzing among the gowans andblue-bells; and a thousand wee birds among the green trees werechurm-churming away, filling earth and air with music, as it were auniversal hymn of gratitude to the Creator for his unbounded goodness toall his creatures. We saw the trig country lasses bleaching theirsnow-white linen on the grass by the waterside, and they too were liltingtheir favourite songs, Logan Water, the Flowers of the Forest, and theBroom of the Cowdenknowes. All the world seemed happy, and I couldscarcely believe--what I kent to be true for all that--that we were stillwalking in the realms of sin and misery. The milk-cows were nipping theclovery parks, and chewing their cuds at their leisure;--the wildpartridges whidding about in pairs, or birring their wings with frightover the hedges;--and the blue-bonneted ploughmen on the road crackingtheir whips in wantonness, and whistling along amid the clean straw intheir carts. And then the rows of snug cottages, with their kailyardsand their goose-berry bushes, with the fruit hanging from the brancheslike ear-rings on the neck of a lady of fashion. How happy, thought weboth--both Peter Farrel and me--how happy might they be, who, withoutworldly pride or ambition, passed their days in such situations, in thesociety of their wives and children. Ah! such were a blissful lot!

During our ride, Peter Farrel and I had an immense deal of rationalconversation on a variety of matters, Peter having seen great part of theworld in his youth, from having made two voyages to Greenland, during oneof which he was very nearly frozen up--with his uncle, who was the mateof a whale-vessel. To relate all that Peter told me he had seen andwitnessed in his far-away travels, among the white bears, and the frozenseas, would take up a great deal of the reader's time, and of my paper;but as to its being very diverting, there is no doubt of that. However, when Peter came to the years of discretion, Peter had sense enough in hisnoddle to discover, that "a rowing stane gathers no fog"; and, having gotan inkling of the penny-pie manufacture when he was a wee smout, he yokedto the baking trade tooth and nail; and, in the course of years, thumpedbutter-bakes with his elbows to some purpose; so that, at the time of ourcolleaguing together, Peter was well to do in the world--had bought hisown bounds, and built new ones--could lay down the blunt for his article, and take the measure of the markets, by laying up wheat in his granariesagainst the day of trouble--to wit--rise of prices. 

"Well, Peter, " said I to him, "seeing that ye read the newspapers, andhave a notion of things, what think ye, just at the present moment, ofaffairs in general?"

Peter cocked up his lugs at this appeal, and, looking as wise as if hehad been Solomon's nephew, gave a knowing smirk, and said--

"Is it foreign or domestic affairs that you are after, Maister Wauch? forthe question is a six-quarters wide one. "

I was determined not to be beat by man of woman born; so I answered withalmost as much cleverality as himself, "Oh, Mr Farrel, as to our foreignconcerns, I trust I am ower loyal a subject of George the Third to haveany doubt at all about them, as the Buonaparte is yet to be born thatwill ever beat our regulars abroad--to say nothing of our volunteers athome; but what think you of the paper specie--the national debt--boroughreform--the poor-rates--and the Catholic question?"

I do not think Peter jealoused I ever had so much in my noddle; but whenhe saw I had put him to his mettle, he did his best to give mesatisfactory answers to my queries, saying, that till gold came infashion, it would not be for my own interest, or that of my family, torefuse bank-notes, for which he would, any day of the year, give me asmany quarter loaves as I could carry, to say nothing of coarse flour forthe prentices' scones, and bran for the pigs--that the national debtwould take care of itself long after both him and I were gathered to ourfathers: and that individual debt was a much more hazardous, pressing, and personal concern, far more likely to come home to our more immediatebosoms and businesses--that the best species of reform was every one'scommencing to make amendment in their own lives and conversations--thatpoor-rates were likely to be worse before they were better; and that, asto the Catholic question, --"But, Mansie, " said he, "it would give megreat pleasure to hear your candid and judicious opinion of Popery andthe Papists. "

I saw, with half an e'e, that Peter was trying to put me to my mettle, and I devoutly wished that I had had James Batter at my elbow to havegiven him play for his money--James being the longest-headed man thatever drove a shuttle between warp and woof; but most fortunately, just asI was going to say, that "every honest man, who wished well to the goodof his country, could only have one opinion on that subject, "--we came tothe by-road, that leads away off on the right-hand side down toHawthornden, and we observed, from the curious ringle, that one of thenaig's fore-shoon was loose; which consequently put an end to thediscussion of this important question, before Peter and I had time to getit comfortably settled to the world's satisfaction. 

The upshot was, that we were needcessitated to dismount, and lead theanimal by the head forward to Kittlerig, where Macturk Sparrible keepshis smith's shop; in order that, with his hammer, he might make fast theloose nails: and that him and his foresman did in a couple of hurries; meand Peter looking over them with our hands in our big-coat pockets, whilethey pelt-pelted away with the beast's foot between their knees, as if wehad been a couple of grand gentlemen incog. ; and so we were to him. 

After getting ourselves again decently mounted, and giving Sparrible aconsideration for his trouble, Peter took occasion, from the horsecasting its shoe, to make a few apropos moral observations, in the mannerof the Rev. Mr Wiggie, on the uncertainties which it is every man's lotto encounter in the weariful pilgrimage of human life. "There is many aslip 'tween the cup and the lip, " said Peter. 

"And, indeed, Mr Farrel, ye never spoke a truer word, " said I. "We arehere to-day--yonder to-morrow; this moment we are shining like themid-day sun, and on the next, pugh! we go out like the snuff of a candle. 'Man's life, ' as Job observes, 'is like a weaver's shuttle. '"

"But, Maister Waugh, " quo' Peter, who was a hearer of the Parish Church, "you dissenting bodies aye take the black side of things; neverconsidering that the doubtful shadows of affairs sometimes brighten upinto the cloudless daylight. For instance, now, there was an oldfellow-apprentice of my father's, who, like myself, was a baker, his namewas Charlie Cheeper; and, both his father and mother dying when he wasyet hardly in trowsers, he would have been left without a hame in theworld, had not an old widow woman, who had long lived next door to them, and whose only breadwinner was her spinning-wheel, taken the wee wretchiein to share her morsel. For several years, as might naturally have beenexpected, the callant was a perfect dead-weight on the concern, andperhaps, in her hours of greater distress, the widow regretted theheedlessness of her Christian charity; but Charlie had a winning way withhim, and she could not find it in her heart to turn him to the door. Bythe time he was seven--and a ragged coute he was as ever stepped withoutshoes--he could fend for himself, by running messages--holding horses atshop doors--winning bools and selling them--and so on; so that when hehad collected half-a-crown in a penny pig, the widow sent him to theschool, where he got on like a hatter, and in a little while, could bothread and write. When he was ten, he was bound apprentice to SaundersSnaps in the Back-row, whose grandson has yet, as you know, the sign ofthe Wheat Sheaf; and for five years he behaved himself like his betters. 

"Well, sir, when his time was out, Charlie had an ambition to see theworld; and, by working for a month or two as journeyman in theCandlemaker-row at Edinburgh, he raked as much together as took him up toLondon in the steerage of a Leith smack. For several years nothing washeard of him, except an occasional present of a shawl, or so on, to thewidow, who had been so kind to him in his helpless years; and at length afarewell present of some little money came to her, with his blessing forpast favours, saying that he was off for good and all to America. 

"In the course of time, Widow Amos became frail and sand-blind. She wasunable to work for herself, and the charity she had shown to others noone seemed disposed to extend to her. Her only child, Jeanie Amos, wasobliged to leave her service, and come home to the house of poverty, toguard her mother's grey hairs from accident, and to divide with her thelittle she could make at the trade of mangling; for, with the money thatCharlie Cheeper had sent, before leaving the country, the old woman hadbought a calender, and let it out to the neighbours at so much an hour;honest poverty having many shifts. 

"Matters had gone on in this way for two or three fitful years; andJeanie, who, when she had come home from service, was a buxom andblooming lass, although yet but a wee advanced in her thirties, began toshow, like all earthly things, that she was wearing past her best. Somesaid that she had lost hopes of Charlie's return; and others, that, comehame when he liked, he would never look over his left shoulder after her. 

"Well, sir, as fact as death, I mind mysell, when a laddie, of the rumpusthe thing made in the town. One Saturday night, a whole washing of oldMrs Pernickity's that had been sent to be calendered, vanished likelightning, no one knew where: the old lady was neither to hold nor bind:and nothing would serve her, but having both the old woman and herdaughter committed to the Tolbooth. So to the Tolbooth they went, weeping and wailing; followed by a crowd, who cried loudly out at the sinand iniquity of the proceeding; because the honesty of the prisoners, although impeached, was unimpeachable; the mob were furious; and beforethe Sunday sun arose old Mrs Pernickity awakened with a sore throat, every pane of her windows having been miraculously broken during the deadhours. 

 [Picture: Country lassies bleaching their snow-white linen]

"The mother and the daughter were kept in custody until the Monday; when, as they were standing making a declaration of their innocence before thejustices, who should come in but Francie Deep, the Sheriff-officer, withan Irish vagrant and his wife--two tinklers who were lodging in theBack-row, and in whose possession the bundle was found bodily, basket andall. Such a cheering as the folk set up! it did all honest folk's heartsgood to hear it. Mrs Pernickity and her lass, to save their bacon, wereobliged to be let out by a back door; and, as the justices were about todischarge the two prisoners, who had been so unjustly and injuriouslysuspected, a stranger forced his way to the middle of the floor, and tookthe old woman in his arms!"

"Charlie Cheeper returned, for a gold guinea, " said I. 

"And no other it was, " said Peter, resuming his comical story. "Theworld had flowed upon him to his heart's desire. Over in Virginia he hadgiven up the baking business, and commenced planter; and, after years ofindustrious exertion, having made enough and to spare, he had returned tospend the rest of his days in peace and plenty, in his native town. "

"Not to interrupt you, " added I, "Mr Farrel, I think I could wagersomething mair. "

"You are a witch of a guesser I know, Mansie, " said Peter; "and I seewhat you are at. Well, sir, you are right again. For, on the very dayweek that Patrick Makillaguddy and his spouce got their heads shaved, andwere sent to beat hemp in the New Bridgewell on the Caltonhill, JeanieAmos became Mrs Cheeper; the calender and the spinning-wheel were bothburned by a crowd of wicked weans before old Mrs Pernickity's door, raising such a smoke as almost smeaked her to a rizzar'd haddock; and theold widow under the snug roof of her ever grateful son-in-law, spent theremainder of her Christian life in peace and prosperity. "

"That story ends as it ought, " said I, "Mr Farrel; neither Jew nor Gentledare dispute that; and as to the telling of it, I do not think man ofwoman born, except maybe James Batter, who is a nonsuch, could havehandled it more prettily. I like to hear virtue aye getting its ainreward. "

As these dividual words were falling from my lips, we approached the endof our journey, the Roslin Inn house heaving in sight, at the door ofwhich me and Peter louped out, an hostler with a yellow stripedwaistcoat, and white calico sleeves, I meantime holding the naig's head, in case it should spend off, and capsize the concern. After seeing thehorse and gig put into the stable, Peter and I pulled up our shirt necks, and after looking at our watches, as if time was precious, oxtered away, arm-in-arm, to see the Chapel, which surpasses all, and beatscock-fighting. 

It is an unaccountable thing to me, how the auld folk could afford tobuild such grand kirks and castles. If once gold was like slate stones, there is a wearyful change now-a-days, I must confess; for, so to speak, gold guineas seem to have taken flight from the land along with thewitches and warlocks, and posterity are left as toom in the pockets asrookit gamblers. 

But if the mammon of precious metals be now totally altogether out of theworld, weel-a-wat we had a curiosity still, and that was a clepy womanwith a long stick, and rhaemed away, and better rhaemed away, about thePrentice's Pillar, who got a knock on the pow from his jealous blackguardof a master--and about the dogs and the deer--and Sir Thomas this-thingand my Lord tother-thing, who lay buried beneath the broad flag stones intheir rusty coats of armour--and such a heap of havers, that no throatwas wide enough to swallow them for gospel, although gey an' entertainingI allow. However, it was a real farce; that is certain. 

Oh, but the building was a grand and overpowering sight, making man todree the sense of his own insignificance, even in the midst of his ownhandiwork! First, we looked over our shoulders to the grand carvedroofs, where the swallows swee-swee'd, as they darted through the openwindows, and the yattering sparrows fed their gorbals in the far boles;and syne we looked shuddering down into the dark vaults, where nobody intheir senses could have ventured, though Peter Farrel, being a rashcourageous body, was keen on it, having heard less than I could tell himof such places being haunted by the spirits of those who have died orbeen murdered within them in the bloody days of the old times; or oftheir being so full of foul air, as to extinguish man's breath in hisnostrils like the snuff of a candle. Though no man should throw his lifeinto jeopardy, yet I commend all for taking timeous recreation--the Kinghimself on the throne not being able to live without the comforts oflife; and even the fifteen Lords of Session, with as much powder on theirwigs as would keep a small family in loaves for a week, requiring air andexercise, after sentencing vagabonds to be first hanged, and then theirclothes given to Jock Heich, and their bodies to Doctor Monro. 

Before going out to inspect the wonderfuls, we had taken the naturalprecaution to tell the goodman of the inn, that we would be back to takea smack of something from him, at such and such an hour; and, having hadour bellyful of the Chapel, --and the Prentice's Pillar, --and thevaults, --and the cleipy auld wife with the lang stick, --we found that wehad still half an hour to spare; so took a stroll into the Kirkyard, tosee if we could find out any of the martyrs had been buriedthere-away-abouts. 

We saw a good few head-stones, you may make no doubt, both ancient andmodern; but nothing out of the course of nature; so, the day beingpleasant, Mr Farrell and me sat down on a throughstane, below an oldhawthorn, and commenced chatting on the Pentland Hills--the riverEsk--Penicuik--Glencorse--and all the rest of the beautiful countrywithin sight. A mooly auld skull was lying among the grass, and Peter, as he spoke, was aye stirring it about with his stick. 

"I never touched a dead man's bones in my life, " said I to Peter, "norwould I for a sixpence. Who might that have belonged to, now, I wonder?Maybe to a baker or a tailor, in his day and generation, like you and I, Peter; or maybe to ane of the great Sinclairs with their coats-of-mail, that the auld wife was cracking so crousely about?"

"Deil may care, " said Peter; "but are you really frighted to touch askull, Mansie? You would make a bad doctor, I'm doubting, then; to saynothing of a resurrection man. "

"Doctor! I would not be a doctor for all the gold and silver on thewalls of Solomon's Temple--"

"Yet you would think the young doctors suck in their trade with theirmother's milk, and could cut off one another's heads as fast as look atyou. --Speaking of skulls, " added Peter, "I mind when my father lived inthe under-flat of the three-storey house at the top of Dalkeith Street, that the Misses Skinflints occupied the middle story, and DoctorChickenweed had the one above, with the garrets, in which was thelaboratory. 

"Weel, ye observe, in getting to the shop, it was not necessary to knockat the Doctor's door, but just proceed up the narrow wooden stairs, facing the top of which was the shop-door, which, for light to thecustomer's feet, was generally allowed to stand open. 

"For a long time, the Doctor had heard the most unearthly noises in thehouse--as if a thunderbolt was in the habit of coming in at one of thesky-lights, and walking down stairs; and the Misses Skinflints had morethan once nearly got their door carried off the hinges; so they had notthe life of dogs, for constant startings and surprises. At first theyhad no faith in ghosts; but, in the course of time, they came to be alikedoubtful on that point; but you shall hear. 

"The foundation of the mystery was this. The three mischievousladdies--the apprentices--after getting their daily work over, of makingpills and potions for his Majesty's unfortunate subjects, took to thetrick of mounting a human skull, like that, upon springs, so that itcould open its mouth, and setting it on a stand at the end of thecounter, could make it gape, and turn from side to side, by pulling astring. 

"The door being left purposely ajee--whenever the rascals saw a fitsubject, they set the skull a-moving and a-gaping; the consequence ofwhich was, that many a poor customer descended without counting thenumber of steps, and after bouncing against Dr Chickenweed's panels, played flee down to try the strength of Misses Skinflints'. One of thethree instantly darted down, behind the evanished patient; and, afterassisting her or him--whichever it might chance to be--to gain theirfeet, begged of them not to mention what they had seen, as the house washaunted by the ghost of an old maiden aunt of their master's who had diedabroad; and that the thing would hurt his feelings if ever it came to hisears. "

"Dog on me, " said I, "if ever I heard of such a trick since ever I wasborn! What was the upshot?"

"The upshot was, that the thing might have continued long enough, and thelaboratory been left as deserted as Tadmor in the Wilderness, had not afat old woman fallen one day perfectly through the doctor's door, anddislocated her ankle--which unfortunately incapacitated her from making asimilar attack on that of the Misses Skinflints. The consequence was, that the conspiracy was detected--the Doctor's aunt's ghost laid, and thefat old woman carried down on a shutter to her bed, where she lay tillher ankle grew better in the course of nature. "

It being near the hour at which we had ordered our dinner to be ready, werose up from the tombstone; and, after taking a snuff out of Peter's box, we returned arm-in-arm to the tavern, to lay in a stock of provisions. 

Peter Farrel was a warm-hearted, thorough-going fellow, and did not likehalf-measures, such as swollowing the sheep and worrying on the tail; so, after having ate as many strawberries as we could well stow away, hebegan trying to fright me with stories of folk taking the elicpassion--the colic--the mulligrubs--and other deadly maladies, on accountof neglecting to swallow a drop of something warm to qualify the coldnessof the fruit; so, after we had discussed good part of a fore-quarter oflamb and chopped cabbage--the latter a prime dish--we took first one jug, and syne another, till Peter was growing tongue-tied, and as red in theface as a bubbly-jock; and, to speak the truth, my own een began to reellike merligoes. In a jiffy, both of us found our hearts waxing so braveas to kick and spur at all niggardly hesitation; and we leuch and thumpedon the good-man of the inn-house's mahogany table, as if it had beenwarranted never to break. In fact, we were as furious and obstrapulousas two unchristened Turks; and it was a mercy that we ever thought ofrising to come away at all. At the long and the last, however, we foundourselves mounted and trotting home at no allowance, me telling Peter, asfar as I mind, to give the beast a good creish, and not to be frighted. 

The evening was fine and warmer than we could have wished, our cheeksglowing like dragons' jackets; and as we passed like lightning throughamong the trees, the sun was setting with a golden glory in the west, between the Pentland and the Corstorphine Hills, and flashing in upon usthrough the branches at every opening. About half-way on our road back, we foregathered with Robbie Maut, drucken body, with his Shetlandrig-and-fur hose on, and his green umbrella in his hand, shug-shuggingaway home, keeping the trot, with his tale, and his bit arm shak-shakingat his tae side, on his grey sheltie; so, after carhailing him, webragged him to a race full gallop for better than a mile to the toll. The damage we did I dare not pretend to recollect. First, we knockedover two drunk Irishmen, that were singing "Erin-go-Bragh, "arm-in-arm--syne we rode over the top of an old woman with a wheelbarrowof cabbages--and when we came to the toll, which was kept by a fat manwith a red waistcoat, Robbie's pony, being, like all Highlanders, awilful creature, stopped all at once; and though he won the half mutchkinby getting through first, after driving over the tollman, it was at theexpense of poor Robbie's being ejected from his stirrups like abattering-ram, and disappearing head-foremost through the toll-housewindow, which was open, hat, wig, green umbrella, and all--the tollman'swife's bairn making a providential escape from Robbie's landing onall-fours, more than two yards on the far-side of the cradle in which itwas lying asleep, with its little flannel nightgown on. 

At the time, all was war and rebellion with the tollman, assault andbattery, damages, broken panes, and what not; but with skilfulmanagement, and a few words in the private ear of Mr Rory Sneckdrawer, the penny-writer, we got matters southered up when we were in our sobersenses; though I shall not say how much it cost us both in preaching andpocket, to make the man keep a calm sough as to bringing us in for thepenalty, which would have been deadly. I think black-burning shame ofmyself to make mention of such ploys and pliskies; but, after all, it isbetter to make a clean breast. 

Hame at last we got, making fire flee out of the Dalkeith causey stoneslike mad: and we arrived at our own door between nine and ten at night, still in a half-seas-overish state. I had, nevertheless, sense enoughabout me remaining, to make me aware that the best place for me would bemy bed; so, after making Nanse bring the bottle and glass to the door ona server, to give Peter Farrel a dram by way of "doch-an-dorris, " as theGaelic folk say, we wished him a good-night, and left him to drive homethe bit gig, with the broken shaft spliced with ropes, to his own bounds;little jealousing, as we heard next morning, that he would be thrown overthe back of it, without being hurt, by taking too sharp a turn at thecorner. 

After a tremendous sound sleep, I was up betimes in the morning, though awee drumly about the head, anxious to enquire at Tammie Bodkin, the headof the business department, me being absent, if any extraordinars hadoccurred on the yesterday; and found that the only particular customermaking enquiries anent me was our old friend Cursecowl, savage for themeasure of a killing-coat, which he wanted made as fast as directly. Though dreadfully angry at finding me from home, and unco swithering atfirst, he at length, after a volley of oaths enough to have opened astone wall, allowed Tammie Bodkin to take his inches; but, as he sworeand went on havering and speaking nonsense all the time, Tammie's handshook, partly through fear, and partly through anxiety; and if he wentwrong in making a nick in the paper here and there in a wrong place, itwas no more than might have been looked for, from his fright andinexperience. 

In the twinkle of an eyelid, I saw that there was some mortal mistake inthe measurement; as, unless Cursecowl had lost beef at no allowance, Iknew, judging from the past, that it would not peep on his corpus by fourinches. The matter was, however, now past all earthly remede, and therewas nothing to be done but trusting to good fortune, and allowing thekilling-coat to take its chance in the world. How the thing happened, Ihave bothered and beat my brains to no purpose to make out, and itremains a wonderful mystery to me to this blessed day; but, by longthought on the subject, both when awake and in my bed, and bymultifarious cross-questionings at Tammie's self concerning the papermeasurings, I am devoutly inclined to think, that he mistook the nickingof the side-seams and the shoulder-strap for the girth of the belly-band. 

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE--ON CATCHING A TARTAR--CURSECOWL

From the first moment I clapped eye on the caricature thing of a coat, that Tammie Bodkin had, in my absence, shaped out for Cursecowl thebutcher, I foresaw, in my own mind, that a catastrophe was brewing forus; and never did soldier gird himself to fight the French, or sailorprepare for a sea-storm, with greater alacrity, than I did to cope withthe bull-dog anger, and buffet back the uproarious vengeance of ourheathenish customer. 

At first I thought of letting the thing take its natural course, and ofthreaping down Cursecowl's throat that he must have been feloniouslykeeping in his breath when Tammie took his measure; and, moreover, thatas it was the fashion to be straight-laced, Tammie had done his utmosttrying to make him look like his betters; till, my conscience checking mefor such a nefarious intention, I endeavoured, as became me in therelations of man, merchant, and Christian, to solder the matterpeaceably, and show him, if there was a fault committed, that there wasno evil intention on my side of the house. To this end I dispatched thebit servant wench, on the Friday afternoon, to deliver the coat, whichwas neatly tied up in a brown paper, and directed--"Mr Cursecowl, withcare, " and to buy a sheep's head; bidding her, by the way of being civil, give my kind compliments, and enquire how Mr and Mrs Cursecowl, and thefive little Miss Cursecowl's, were keeping their healths, and trusting tohis honour in sending me a good article. But have a moment's patience. 

Being busy at the time, turning a pair of kuttikins for old MrMolleypouch the mealmonger, when the lassie came back, I had no mind ofasking a sight of the sheep's head, as I aye like the little blackfaced, in preference to the white, fat, fozy Cheviot breed: but, mostprovidentially, I catched a gliskie of the wench passing the shop window, on the road over to Jamie Coom the smith's, to get it singed, having beendispatched there by her mistress. Running round the counter likelightning, I opened the sneck, and halooed to her to wheel to the rightabout, having, somehow or other, a superstitious longing to look at thearticle. As I was saying, there was a Providence in this, which, at thetime, mortal man could never have thought of. 

James Batter had popped in with a newspaper in his hand, to read me acurious account of a mermaid, that was seen singing a Gaelic song, andcombing its hair with a tortoise-shell comb, someway terrible far northabout Shetland, by a respectable minister of the district, riding home inthe gloaming after a presbytery dinner. So, as he was just taking offhis spectacles cannily, and saying to me--"And was not that droll?"--thelassie spread down her towel on the counter, when, lo and behold! such anabominable spectacle, James Batter observing me run back, and turn white!put on his glasses again, cannily taking them out of his well-wornshagreen case, and, giving a stare down at the towel, almost touched thebeast's nose with his own. 

"And what, in the name of goodness, is the matter?" quo' James Batter;"ye seem in a wonderful quandary. "

"The matter!" answered I, in astonishment; looking to see if the man hadlost his sight or his senses--"the matter! who ever saw a sheep's headwith straight horns, and a visnomy all colours of the rainbow--red, blue, orange, green, yellow, white, and black?"

'"Deed it is, " said James, after a nearer inspection; "it must be alowsy-naturay. I'm sure I have read most of Buffon's books, and I havenever heard tell of like. It's gey an' queerish. "

'"Od, James, " answered I, "ye take every thing very canny; you're aphilosopher, to be sure; but, I daresay, if the moon was to fall from thelift, and knock down the old kirk, ye would say no more than it's gey an'queerish!"

"Queerish, man! do ye not see that?" added I, shoving down his headmostly on the top of it. "Do ye not see that? awful, most awful!extonishing!! Do ye not see that long beard? Who, in the name ofgoodness, ever was an eyewitness to a sheep's head, in a Christian land, with a beard like an unshaven Jew crying 'owl clowes, ' with a green bagover his left shoulder!"

"Dog on it, " said James, giving a fidge with his hainches; "Dog on it, asI am a living sinner, that is the head of a Willie-goat. "

"Willie or Nannie, " answered I, "it's not meat for me; and never shall anounce of it cross the craig of my family:--that is as sure as ever JamesBatter drave a shuttle. Give counsel in need, James: what is to bedone?"

"That needs consideration, " quo' James, giving a bit hoast. "Unless hemakes ample apology, and explains the mistake in a feasible way, it is myhumble opinion that he ought to be summoned before his betters. That isthe legal way to make him smart for his sins. "

At last a thought struck me, and I saw farther through my difficultiesthan ever mortal man did through a millstone; but, like a politician, Iminted not the matter to James. Keeping my tongue cannily within myteeth, I then laid the head, wrapped up in the bit towel, in a cornerbehind the counter; and turning my face round again to James, I put myhands into my breeches-pockets, as if nothing in the world had happened, and ventured back to the story of the mermaid. I asked him how shelooked--what kind of dress she wore--if she swam with her corsets--whatwas the colour of her hair--where she would buy the tortoise-shellcomb--and so on; when, just as he was clearing his pipe to reply, whoshould burst open the shop-door like a clap of thunder, with burningcat's een, and a face as red as a soldier's jacket, but Cursecowlhimself, with the new killing-coat in his hand, --which, giving atremendous curse, the words of which are not essentially necessary for meto repeat, being an elder of our kirk, he made play flee at me with sucha birr, that it twisted round my neck, and, mostly blinding me, made medoze like a tottum. At the same time, to clear his way, and the betterto enable him to take a good mark, he gave James Batter a shove, thatmade him stotter against the wall, and snacked the good new farthingtobacco-pipe, that James was taking his first whiff out of; crying, atthe same blessed moment--"Hold out o' my road, ye long withered wabster. Ye'er a pair of havering idiots; but I'll have pennyworths out of bothyour skins, as I'm a sinner!"

 [Picture: The waiting girl, Jeanie Amos]

What was to be done? There was no time for speaking, for Cursccowl, foaming like a mad dog with passion, seized hold of the ell-wand, whichhe flourished round his head like a Highlander's broadsword, and stampingabout, with his stockings drawn up his thighs, threatened every moment tocommit bloody murder. 

If James Batter never saw service before, he learned a little of it thatday, being in a pickle of bodily terror not to be imagined by living man;but his presence of mind did not forsake him, and he cowered for safetyand succour into a far corner, holding out a web of buckram beforehim--me crying all the time, "Send for the town officer! will ye not sendfor the town-officer?"

You may talk of your general Moores, and your Lord Wellingtons, as yelike; but never, since I was born, did I ever see or hear tell ofanything braver than the way Tammie Bodkin behaved, in saving both ourprecious lives, at that blessed nick of time, from touch-and-go jeopardy:for, when Cursecowl was rampauging about, cursing and swearing like aRussian bear, hurling out volleys of oaths that would have frighted JohnKnox, forbye the like of us, Tammie stole in behind him like a wild-cat, followed by Joseph Breekey, Walter Cuff, and Jack Thorl, the threeapprentices on their stocking soles; and, having strong and dumpy arms, pinned back his elbows like a flash of lightning, giving the othercallants time to jump on his back, and hold him like a vice; while, having got time to draw my breath, and screw up my pluck, I ran forwardlike a lion, and houghed the whole concern--Tammie Bodkin, the threefaithful apprentices, Cursecowl and all, coming to the ground like abattered castle. 

It was now James Batter's time to come up in line, and, though a douceman (being savage for the insulting way that Cursecowl had dared to usehim), he dropped down like mad, with his knees on Cursecowl's breast, whowas yelling, roaring, and grinding his buck-teeth like a mad bull, kicking right and spurring left with fire and fury; and, taking hisKilmarnock off his head, thrust it, like a battering-ram, intoCursecowl's mouth, to hinder him from alarming the neighbourhood, andbringing the whole world about our ears. Such a stramash of tumbling, roaring, tearing, swearing, kicking, pushing, cuffing, rugging and rivingabout the floor!! I thought they would not have left one another with ashirt on: it seemed a combat even to the death. Cursecowl's breath waschoked up within him like wind in an empty bladder, and when I got agliskie of his face, from beneath James's cowl, it was growing as blackas the crown of my hat. It feared me much that murder would be theupshot, the webs being all heeled over, both of broad cloth, buckram, cassimir, and Welsh flannel; and the paper shapings and worsted rundscoiled about their throats and bodies like fiery serpents. At long andlast, I thought it became me, being the head of the house, to sound aparley, and bid them give the savage a mouthful of fresh air, to see ifhe had anything to say in his defence. 

Cursecowl, by this time, had forcible assurance of our ability tooverpower him, and finding he had by far the worst of it, was obliged togrow tamer, using the first breath he got to cry out, "A barley, yethieves! a barley! I tell ye, give me wind. There's not a man in nineof ye. "

Finding our own strength, we saw, by this time, that we were masters ofthe field; nevertheless, we took care to make good terms when they werein our power; nor would we allow Cursecowl to sit upright, till after hehad said, three times over, on his honour as a gentleman, that he wouldbehave as became one. After giving his breeches-knees a skuff with hisloof, to dad off the stoure, he came, right foot foremost, to the counterside, while the laddies were dighting their brows, and stowing away thewebs upon their ends round about, saying, "Maister Wauch, how have ye theconscience to send hame such a piece o' wark as that coat to ony decentman? Do ye dare to imagine that I am a Jerusalem spider, that I could becrammed, neck and heels, into such a thing as that? Fye, shame--it wouldnot button on yourself, man, scarecrow-looking mortal though ye be!"

James Batter's blood was now up, and boiling like an old Roman's; so hewas determined to show Cursecowl that I had a friend in court, able andwilling to keep him at stave's-end. "Keep a calm sough, " said JamesBatter, interfering, "and not miscall the head of the house in his ownshop; or, to say nothing of present consequences, byway of showing ye theroad to the door, perhaps Maister Sneckdrawer, the penny-writer, 'll giveye a caption-paper with a broad margin, to claw your elbow with at yourleisure, my good fellow. "

"Pugh, pugh, " cried Cursecowl, snapping his finger and thumb at James'sbeak, "I do not value your threatening an ill halfpenny. Come away outyour ways to the crown of the causey, and I'll box any three of ye, overthe bannys, for half-a-mutchkin. But 'od-sake, Batter, my man, nobody'sspeaking to you, " added Cursecowl, giving a hack now and then, and a bitspit down on the floor; "go hame, man, and get your cowl washed; I daresay you have pushioned me, so I have no more to say to the like of you. But now, Maister Wauch, just speaking holy and fairly, do you not thinkblack burning shame of yourself, for putting such an article into anydecent Christian man's hand, like mine?"

"Wait a wee--wait a wee, friend, and I'll give ye a lock salt to yourbroth, " answered I, in a calm and cool way; for, being a confidentialelder of Maister Wiggie's, I kept myself free from the sin of gettinginto a passion, or fighting, except in self-defence, which is forbiddenneither by law nor gospel; and, stooping down, I took up the towel fromthe corner, and, spreading it upon the counter, bade him look, and see ifhe knew an auld acquaintance!

Cursecowl, to be such a dragoon, had some rational points in hischaracter; so, seeing that he lent ear to me with a smirk on his roughred face, I went on: "Take my advice as a friend, and make the best ofyour way home, killing-coat and all; for the most perfect will sometimesfall into an innocent mistake, and, at any rate, it cannot be helped now. But if ye show any symptom of obstrapulosity, I'll find myself under thenecessity of publishing you abroad to the world for what you are, andshow about that head in the towel for a wonder to broad Scotland, in amanner that will make customers flee from your booth, as if it wasinfected with the seven plagues of Egypt. "

At sight of the goat's-head, Cursecowl clapped his hand on his thigh twoor three times, and could scarcely muster good manners enough to keephimself from bursting out a-laughing. 

"Ye seem to have found a fiddle, friend, " said I; "but give me leave totell you, that ye'll may be find it liker a hanging-match than a musicalmatter. Are you not aware that I could hand you over to the sheriff, ontwo special indictments? In the first place, for an action of assaultand batterification, in cuffing me, an elder of our kirk, with a stickedkilling-coat, in my own shop; and, in the second place, as a swindler, imposing on his Majesty's loyal subjects, taking the coin of the realm onfalse pretences, and palming off goat's flesh upon Christians, as if theywere perfect Pagans. "

Heathen though Cursecowl was, this oration alarmed him in a jiffie, soonshowing him, in a couple of hurries, that it was necessary for him to beour humble servant: so he said, still keeping the smirk on his face, "Keh, keh, it's not worth making a noise about after all. Gie me thejacket, Mansie, my man, and it'll maybe serve my nephew, young Killim, who is as lingit in the waist as a wasp. Let us take a shake of your pawover the counter, and be friends. Bye-ganes should be bye-ganes. "

Never let it be said that Mansie Wauch, though one of the king'svolunteers, ever thrust aside the olive branch of peace; so, ill-usedthough I had been, to say nothing of James Batter, who had got his pipesmashed to crunches, and one of the eyes of his spectacles knocked out, Igave him my fist frankly. 

James Batter's birse had been so fiercely put up, and no wonder, that itwas not so easily sleeked down; so, for a while he looked unco glum, tillCursecowl insisted that our meeting should not be a dry one; nor would hehear a single word on me and James Batter not accepting his treat of amutchkin of Kilbagie. 

I did not think James would have been so doure and refractory--funkingand flinging like old Jeroboam; but at last, with the persuasion of thetreat, he came to, and, sleeking down his front hair, we all three took astep down to the far end of the close, at the back street, where WidowThamson kept the sign of "The Tankard and the Tappit Hen"; Cursecowl, when we got ourselves seated, ordering in the spirits with a loud rap onthe table with his knuckles, and a whistle on the landlady through hisfore-teeth, that made the roof ring. A bottle of beer was also brought;so, after drinking one another's healths round, with a tasting out of thedram glass, Cursecowl swashed the rest of the raw creature into thetankard, saying--"Now take your will o't; there's drink fit for a king;that's real 'Pap-in. '"

He was an awful body, Cursecowl, and had a power of queer stories, which, weel-a-wat, did no lose in the telling. James Batter beginning tobrighten up, hodged and leuch like a nine-year-old; and I freely confess, for another, that I was so diverted, that, I dare say, had it not beenfor his fearsome oaths, which made our very hair stand on end, and wereenough to open the stone-wall, we would have both sate from that time tothis. 

We got the whole story of the Willie-goat, out and out; it seeming to be, with Cursecowl, a prime matter of diversion, especially that part of itrelating to the head, by which he had won a crown from Deacon Paunch, whowagered that the wife and me would eat it, without ever finding out ourmistake. But, aha, lad!

The long and the short of the matter was this. The Willie-goat, had, foreighteen year, belonged to a dragoon marching regiment, and, in itsbetter days, had seen a power of service abroad; till, being now old andinfirm, it had fallen off one of the baggage-carts, and got its legbroken on the road to Piershill, where it was sold to Cursecowl, by acorporal, for half-a-crown and a dram. The four quarters he had managedto sell for mutton, like lightning--this one buying a jigget, that one aback-ribs, and so on. However, he had to weather a gey brisk gale inmaking his point good. One woman remarked, that it had an unearthly, rank smell; to which he said, "No, no--ye do not ken your blessings, friend, --that's the smell of venison, for the beast was brought up alongwith the deers in the Duke's parks. " And to another wife, that, aftersmell-smelling at it, thought it was a wee humphed, he replied, "Faiththat's all the thanks folk gets for letting their sheep crop heatheramong Cheviot Hills"; and such like lies. But as for the head, that hadbeen the doure business. Six times had it been sold and away, and sixtimes had it been brought back again. One bairn said, that her "motherdidna like a sheep's head with horns like these, and wanted it changedfor another one. " A second one said, that, "it had tup's een, and herfather liked wether mutton. " A third customer found mortal fault withthe colours, which, she said, "were not canny, or in the course ofnature. " What the fourth one said, and the fifth one took leave toobserve, I have stupidly forgotten, though, I am sure, I heard both; butI mind one remarked, quite off-hand, as she sought back her money, that"unless sheep could do without beards, like their neighbours, she wouldkeep the pot boiling with a piece beef, in the meantime. " After allthis, would any mortal man believe it, Deacon Paunch, the greasy DanielLambert that he is, had taken the wager, as I before took opportunity toremark, that our family would swallow the bait? But, aha, he was off hiseggs there!

James and me were so tickled with Cursecowl's wild, outrageous, off-hand, humoursome way of telling his crack, that, though sore with neighering, none of the two of us ever thought of rising; Cursecowl chapping in firstone stoup, and then another, and birling the tankard round the table, asif we had been drinking dub-water. I dare say I would never have gotaway, had I not slipped out behind Lucky Thamson's back--for she was abroad fat body, with a round-eared mutch, and a full-plaited checkapron--when she was drawing the sixth bottle of small beer, with hercorkscrew between her knees; Cursecowl lecturing away, at the dividualmoment, like a Glasgow professor, to James Batter, whose een weregathering straws, on a pliskie he had once, in the course of trade, played on a conceited body of a French sicknurse, by selling her a lumpof fat pork to make beef-tea of to her mistress, who was dwining in theblue Beelzebubs. 

Ohone, and woes me, for old Father Adam and the fall of man! Poor, sober, good, honest James Batter was not, by a thousand miles, a matchfor such company. Everything, however, has its moral, and the truth willout. When Nanse and me were sitting at our breakfast next morning, weheard from Benjie, who had been early up fishing for eels at thewater-side, that the whole town-talk was concerning the misfortunateJames Batter, who had been carried home, totally incapable, far in thenight, by Cursecowl and an Irish labourer--that sleeped in WidowThamson's garret--on a hand-barrow, borrowed from Maister Wiggie'sservant-lass, Jenny Jessamine. 

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR--JAMES BATTER & THE MAID OF DAMASCUS

On the morning after the debosh with Mr Cursecowl, my respected friend, James Batter, the pattern of steadiness and sobriety, awoke in a terriblepliskie. The decent man came to the use of his senses as from a trance, and scarcely knew either where he was, or whether his head or heels wereuppermost. He found himself lying without his Kilmarnock, from which hemight have received deadly damage, being subject to the rheumatics in thecuff of the neck; and everything about him was in a most fearful anddisjaskit state. It was a long time before he could, for the life ofhim, bring his mind or memory to a sense of his condition, having stillon his corduroy trowsers, and his upper and under vest, besides one ofhis stockings:--his hat, his wig, his neckcloth, his shoes, his coat, hissnuff-box, his spectacles, and the other stocking, all lying on thefloor, together with a table, a chair, a candlestick, with a brokencandle, which had been knocked over;--the snuffers standing upright, being sharp in the point, and having stuck in the deal floor. 

It was a terrible business! and might have been a life-long lesson toevery one, of the truth of St Paul's maxim, that "evil communicationcorrupts good manners";--Cursecowl being the most incomprehensible fellowthat ever breathed the breath of life. To add to his calamities, Jamesfound, on attempting to rise, that he had, in some way or other, of whichhe had not a shadow of recollection, dismally sprained his left ankle, which, to his consternation, was swelled like a door-post, and as blue ashis apron. There was also a black ugly lump on his brow, as big as apigeon's egg, which was horrible to look at in the bit glass. Many agallant soldier escaped from Waterloo with less scaith--and that theydid. Poor innocent sowl! I pitied him from the very bottom of myheart--as who would not?

Having got an inkling of the town-talk by breakfast time, and knowingalso that many a one--such is the corruption of human nature--would liketo have a hair in the neck of James, by taking up an evil report, Iremembered within myself that a friend in need is a friend indeed, andcannily papped up the close, after I had got myself shaved, to see howthe land lay. And a humbling spectacle it was! James could scarcely yetbe said to be himself, for his eyes were like scored collops, and hisstomach was so sick that his face was like ill-bleached linen--pale as adishclout. When he tried to speak, it was between a bock and a hiccupwith him, and my feeling for his situation was such--knowing, as I did, all the ins and outs of the business--that I could not help being verywae for him. It therefore behoved me to make Nanse send him a cup ofwell-made tea, to see if it would act as a settler, but his heart stoodat it, as if it had been 'cacuana, and do as he liked, he could not let adrop of it down his craig. When the wife informed me of this, I at lastluckily remembered the old saying about giving one a hair of the dog thatbit him; and I made poor James swallow a thimbleful of malt spirits--thereal unadulterated creatur, with wonderfully good effects. Though thenin his sixty-first year, James declares on his honour as a gentleman, that this was the first time he ever had fallen a victim to thebarley-fever!

How could we do otherwise! it afforded Nanse and I great pleasure--and nomistake--in acting the part of good Samaritans, by pouring oil and wineinto his wounds; I having bound up his brow with a Sunday silk-napkin, and she having fomented his unfortunate ankle with warm water and hog'slard. The truth is, that I found myself in conscience bound andobligated to take a deep interest in the decent man's distresses, hehaving come to his catastrophe in a cause of mine, and having fallen avictim to the snares and devices of Cursecowl, instead of myself, forwhom the vagabond's girn was set. Providence decided that, in thisparticular case, I should escape; but a better man, James Batter, wascaught in it by the left ankle. What will a body say there?

The web of Lucky Caird, which James had promised to carry home to her onthe Saturday night, was still in the loom, and had I been up to thecraft, I would not have hesitated to have driven the shuttle myself tillI had got it off hand for him; but every man to his trade; so afraid ofconsequences, I let the batter and the bobbin-box lie still, trusting toLucky Caird's discretion, and my friend's speedy recovery. But thedistress of James Batter was not the business of a day. In the course ofthe next night, to be sure, he had some natural sleep, which cleared hisbrain from the effects of that dangerous and deluding drink, the"Pap-in"; but his ankle left him a grievous lameter, hirpling on a staff;and, although his brown scratch and his Kilmarnock helped to hide thebump upon his temple, the dregs of it fell down upon his e'e-bree, which, to the consternation of everybody, became as green as a docken leaf. 

My friend, however, be it added to this, was not more a sufferer in bodythan in estate; for the illness, being of his own bringing on, he couldnot make application to the Weavers' Society--of which he had been aregular member for forty odd years--for his lawful sick-money. But, being a philosopher, James submitted to his bed of thorns without amurmur; Nanse and I soothing his calamities, as we best could, by a bowlof sheep-head broth; a rizzar'd haddock; a tankard of broo-and-bread; acaller egg; a swine's trotter; and other circumstantialities needless torepeat--as occasion required. 

As for Cursecowl, the invincible reprobate, so ashamed was he of hisinfamous conduct, that he did not dare, for the life in his body, to showhimself before my shop-window--far less in my presence--for more than aweek; yet, would ye believe it! he made a perfect farce of the wholebusiness among his own wauf cronies; and, instead of repentance, I verilybelieve, would not have cared twopence to have played me the same pliskiethat he did my douce and worthy friend. But away with him! he is notworth speaking about; and ye'll get nothing from a sow but--grumph!

Being betimes on mending order, James sent down, one forenoon, torequest, with his compliments, that I would hand him up by the bearer oldTaffy with the Pigtail's bundle of old papers, --as having more leisure inhis hands than either he liked, or well knew how to dispose of, it mightafford him some diversion to take a reading of them, for the purpose ofenquiring farther into the particulars of the Welsh gentleman'shistory--which undoubtedly was a wee mysterious; consisting of matterslying heads and thraws; and of odds and ends, that no human skill coulddovetail into a Christian consistency. 

On the night of the next day--I mind it weel, for it was on that dividualevening that Willie, the minister's man, married Mysie Clouts, the keeperof the lodging-house called the Beggars' Opera--it struck me, seeing thegeneral joy of the weans on the street, and the laughing, daffing, andhallabuloo that they were making, that poor James must be lonely at hisingle side, and that a drink of porter and a crack would do his old heartgood. Accordingly, I made Nanse send the bit lassie, our servant, JennyHeggins, for a couple of bottles of Deacon Jaffrey's best brown stout, asking if he could pawn his word anent its being genuine, as it was for agentleman in delicate health. So, brushing the saw-dust off the doup ofone of them, and slipping it into my coat pocket, which was gey an'large, I popped at leisure up the close to pay my neighbour a friendlyvisit. 

 [Picture: Peter Farrel]

'Od, but comfort is a grand thing. If ever ye saw an ancient patriarch, there was one. James was seated in his snug old easychair by thefireside, as if he had been an Edinburgh Parliament House lawyer, studying his hornings, duplies, and fugie warrants, with his left legparaded out on a stool, with a pillow smoothed down over it, and all theWelshman's papers docketed on the bit table before him. The cat waslying streaked out on the hearth, pur-purring away to herself, and thekettle by the fire cheek was singing along with her, as if to cheer theheart of their mutual master. As for Mr Batter, he looked as prejinct asa pikestaff, and so taken up was he with his papers, that, when I askedhim how he felt, his answer, to my wonderment, was, that "in the Song ofSongs Solomon had likened the nose of his beloved to the tower ofLebanon, which looketh towards Damascus. " So brown was he in hisstudies, that, for a while, I feared the fall had produced some crack inhis pan, and that his seven senses had gone a wool-gathering; but thestory will out, as ye will hear, and being naturally a wee-camstairie, Igave him time to gather the feet of his faculties before pressing him toohard; but even the sight of the bottle of porter toasting by the cheek ofthe fire, hardly brought him at once to his right mind. 

Mr Batter's noddle, however, after a little patience, clearing up, weleisurely discussed between us the porter, which was in prime condition, with a ream as yellow as a marigold; together with half-a-dozen ofbutter-bakes, crimp and new-baked, it being batch-day with ThomasBurlings, who, like his father and grandfather before him, have beennotorious in the biscuit department. It soon became clear to me, thatthe dialogue about Lebanon and Damascus, which was followed up with aclishmaclaver anent dirks, daggers, red cloaks, and other bloody weaponswhich made all my flesh grue, had some connexion with Taffy's papers onthe table--out of which James had been diverting himself by reading bitshere and there, at random like. 

In the course of our confab, he told me a monstrous heap about them; but, in general, the things were so out of the course of Providence, and soqueer and leeing-like, that I, for one, would not believe them withoutsolemn affidavy. Indeed, I began at length to question withinmyself--for the subject naturally resolved itself into two heads;firstly, whether Taffy's master might not have had a bee in his bonnet;or, secondly, whether he was a person not over-scrupulous regarding thematter of truth. As for James, he declared him a nonsuch, and said, thatalthough poor, he would not have hesitated to have given him sixpence fora lock of his hair, just to keep beside him for a keepsake; (did anybodyever hear such nonsense?) Before parting, he insisted that I should bearwith him, till he read me over the story he had just finished as I camein, and which had been running in his noddle. At such a late hour, forit was now wearing on to wellnigh ten o'clock, I was not just clear aboutlistening to anything bloody; but not to vex the old boy, who, I am sure, would not have sleeped a wink through the night for disappointment, hadhe not got a free breast made of it, I at long and lastconsented--provided his story was not too long. My chief particularityon this point, as I should mention, was, that it was past Benjie'sbedtime, and the callant had a hoast, which required all his mother's aswell as my own good doctoring--having cost us two bottles of Dantzicblack beer, with little effect; besides not a few other recommendationsof friends and skielly acquaintances. 

It was best, therefore, to consent with a good grace; so, after clearinghis windpipes, James wiped the eyes of his spectacles with the corner ofhis red-check pocket-napkin; and thereafter fixing them on his beak, hecommenced preaching away in grand style at some queer outlandish stuff, which fairly baffled my gumption. I must confess, however, both infairness to Taffy and to James, that, as I had been up since five in themorning (having pawned my word to send home Duncan Imrie, theheel-cutter's new duffle great-coat by breakfast time, as he had to gointo the Edinburgh leather-market by eleven), my een were gatheringstraws; and it was only at the fearsome parts that I could for half amoment keep them sundry. "Many men, " however, "many minds, " as thecopy-line book says; and as every one has a right to judge for himself, Irequested James to copy the concern out for me; and ye here have it, wordfor word, without substraction, multiplication, or addition. 

The Maid Of Damascus

In the reign of the Greek Emperor Heraclius, when the beautiful city ofDamascus was at the height of its splendour and magnificence, dwelttherein a young noble, named Demetrius, whose decayed fortunes did notcorrespond with the general prosperity of the times. He was a youth ofardent disposition, and very handsome in person: pride kept him frombettering his estate by the profession of merchandise, yet more keenlydid he feel the obscurity to which adverse fates had reduced him, that inhis lot was involved the fortune of one dearer than himself. 

It so happened that, in that quarter of the city which faces the row ofpalm-trees, within the gate Keisan, dwelt a wealthy old merchant, who hada beautiful daughter. Demetrius had by chance seen her some time before, and he was so struck with her loveliness, that, after pining for manymonths in secret, he ventured on a disclosure, and, to his delightedsurprise, found that Isabelle had long silently nursed a deep and almosthopeless passion for him also; so, being now aware that their love wasmutual, they were as happy as the bird that, all day long, sings in thesunshine from the summits of the cypress-trees. 

True is the adage of the poet, that "the course of true love never didrun smooth"; and, in the father of the maiden, they found that astumbling-block lay in the path of their happiness, for he was of anavaricious disposition, and they knew that he valued gold more thannobility of blood. Their fears grew more and more, as Isabelle, in herprivate conversations, endeavoured to sound her father on this point; andalthough the suspicions of affection are often more apparent than real, in this they were not mistaken; for, without consulting his child--and asif her soul had been in his hand--he promised her in marriage to a richold miser, ay, twice as rich, and nearly as old as himself. 

Isabelle knew not what to do; for, on being informed by her father of thefate he had destined for her, her heart forsook her, and her spirit wasbowed to the dust. Nowhere could she rest, like the Thracian bird thatknoweth not to fold its wings in slumber--a cloud had fallen for her overthe fair face of nature--and, instead of retiring to her couch, shewandered about weeping, under the midnight stars, on the terrace on thehouse-top--wailing over the hapless fate, and calling on death to comeand take her from her sorrows. 

At morning she went forth alone into the garden; but neither could thegolden glow of the orange-trees, nor the perfumes of the rosiers, nor thedelicate fragrance of the clustering henna and jasmine, delight her; soshe wearied for the hour of noon, having privately sent to Demetrius, inviting him to meet her by the fountain of the pillars at that time. 

Poor Demetrius had, for some time, observed a settled sorrow in theconduct and countenance of his beautiful Isabelle--he felt that somemelancholy revelation was to be made to him; and, all eagerness, he cameat the appointed hour. He passed along the winding walks, unheeding ofthe tulips streaked like the ruddy evening clouds--of the flowerbetrothed to the nightingale--of the geranium blazing in scarletbeauty, --till, on approaching the place of promise, he caught a glance ofthe maid he loved--and, lo! she sate there in the sunlight, absorbed inthought; a book was on her knee, and at her feet lay the harp whosechords had been for his ear so often modulated to harmony. 

He laid his hand gently on her shoulder, as he seated himself beside heron the steps; and seeing her sorrowful, he comforted her, and bade her beof good cheer, saying, that Heaven would soon smile propitiously on theirfortunes, and that their present trials would but endear them the more toeach other in the days of after years. At length, with tears and sobs, she told him of what she had learned; and, while they wept on eachother's bosoms, they vowed over the Bible, which Isabelle held in herhand, to be faithful to each other to their dying day. 

Meantime the miser was making preparations for the marriage ceremony, andthe father of Isabelle had portioned out his daughter's dowery; when thelovers, finding themselves driven to extremity, took the resolution ofescaping together from the city. 

Now, it so happened, in accordance with the proverb, which saith thatevils never come single, that, at this very time, the city of Damascuswas closely invested by a mighty army, commanded by the Caliph AbubekerAlwakidi, the immediate successor of Mahomet; and, in leaving the walls, the lovers were in imminent hazard of falling into their cruel hands;yet, having no other resource left, they resolved to put their perilousadventure to the risk. 

'Twas the Mussulman hour of prayer Magrib: the sun had just disappeared, and the purple haze of twilight rested on the hills, darkening all thecedar forests, when the porter of the gate Keisan, having been bribedwith a largess, its folding leaves slowly opened, and forthwith issued ahorseman closely wrapt up in a mantle; and behind him, at a little space, followed another similarly clad. Alas! for the unlucky fugitives, it sochanced that Derar, the captain of the night-guard, was at that momentmaking his rounds, and observing what was going on, he detached a partyto throw themselves between the strangers and the town. The foremostrider, however, discovered their intention, and he called back to hisfollower to return. Isabelle--for it was she--instantly regained thegate which had not yet closed, but Demetrius fell into the hands of theenemy. 

As wont in those bloody wars, the poor prisoner was immediately carriedby an escort into the presence of the Caliph, who put the alternative inhis power of either, on the instant, renouncing his religion, orsubmitting to the axe of the headsman. Demetrius told his tale with anoble simplicity; and his youth, his open countenance, and statelybearing, so far gained on the heart of Abubeker, that, on his refusal toembrace Mahomedism, he begged of him seriously to consider of hissituation, and ordered a delay of the sentence, which he must otherwisepronounce, until the morrow. 

Heart-broken and miserable, Demetrius was loaded with chains, and carriedto a gloomy place of confinement. In the solitude of the night-hours hecursed the hour of his birth--bewailed his miserable situation--andfeeling that all his schemes of happiness were thwarted, almost rejoicedthat he had only a few hours to live. 

The heavy hours lagged on towards daybreak, and, quite exhausted by theintense agony of his feelings, he sank down upon the ground in a profoundsleep, from which a band, with crescented turbans and crookedsword-blades, awoke him. Still persisting to reject the Prophet's faith, he was led forth to die; but, in passing through the camp, the Soubachisof the Caliph stopped the troop, as he had been commanded, and Demetriuswas ushered into the tent, where Abubeker, not yet arisen, lay stretchedon his sofa. For a while the captive remained resolute, preferring deathto the disgrace of turning a renegado; but the wily Caliph, who had takena deep and sudden interest in the fortunes of the youth, knew well thespring, by the touch of which his heart was most likely to be affected. He pointed out to Demetrius prospects of preferment and grandeur, whilehe assured him that, in a few days, Damascus must to a certaintysurrender, in which case his mistress must fall into the power of afierce soldiery, and be left to a fate full of dishonour, and worse thandeath itself; but, if he assumed the turban, he pledged his royal wordthat especial care should be taken that no harm should alight on her heloved. 

Demetrius paused, and Abubeker saw that the heart of his captive wastouched. He drew pictures of power, and affluence, and domestic love, that dazzled the imagination of his hearer; and while the prisonerthought of his Isabelle, instead of rejecting the impious proposal, as atfirst he had done, with disdain and horror, his soul bent like iron inthe breath of the furnace flame, and he wavered and became irresolute. The keen eye of the Caliph saw the working of his spirit within him, andallowed him yet another day to form his resolution. When the second daywas expired, Demetrius craved a third; and on the fourth morningmiserable man, he abjured the faith of his fathers, and became aMussulman. 

Abubeker loved the youth, assigning him a post of dignity, and all themighty host honoured him whom the Caliph delighted to honour. He wasclad in rich attire, and magnificently attended, and, to all eyes, Demetrius seemed a person worthy of envy; yet, in the calm of thought, his conscience upbraided him, and he was far less happy than he seemed tobe. 

Ere yet the glow of novelty had entirely ceased to bewilder theunderstanding of the renegade, preparations were made for the assault;and after a fierce but ineffectual resistance, under their gallantleaders Thomas and Herbis, the Damascenes were obliged to submit to theirimperious conqueror, on condition of being allowed, within three days, toleave the city unmolested. 

When the gates were opened, Demetrius, with a heart overflowing with loveand delight, was among the first to enter. He enquired of every one hemet of the fate of Isabelle; but all turned from him with disgust. Atlength he found her out, but what was his grief and surprise--in anunnery! Firm to the troth she had so solemnly plighted, she hadrejected the proposition of her mercenary parent; and, having no idea butthat her lover had shared the fate of all Christian captives, she hadshut herself up from the world, and vowed to live the life of a vestal. 

The surprise, the anguish, the horror of Isabelle, when she beheldDemetrius in his Moslem habiliments, cannot be described. Her firstimpulse, on finding him yet alive, was to have fallen into his arms; but, instantly recollecting herself, she shrank back from him with loathing, as a mean and paltry dastard. "No, no, " she cried, "you are no longerthe man I loved; our vows of fidelity were pledged over the Bible; thatbook you have renounced as a fable; and he who has proved himself falseto Heaven, can never be true to me!"

Demetrius was conscience-struck; too late he felt his crime, and foresawits consequences. The very object for whom he had dared to make thetremendous sacrifice had deserted him, and his own soul told him with howmuch justice; so, without uttering a syllable, he turned awayheart-broken, from the holy and beautiful being whose affections he hadforfeited for ever. 

When the patriots left Damascus, Isabelle accompanied them. Retiring toAntioch, she lived with the sisterhood for many years; and, as her timewas passed between acts of charity and devotion, her bier was wateredwith many a tear, and the hands of the grateful duly strewed her gravewith flowers. To Demetrius was destined a briefer career. All-consciousof his miserable degradation, loathing himself, and life, and mankind, herushed back from the city into the Mahomedan camp; and entering, with ahurried step, the tent of the Caliph, he tore the turban from his brow, and cried aloud--"Oh, Abubeker! behold a God-forsaken wretch. Think notit was the fear of death that led me to abjure my religion--the religionof my fathers--the only true faith. No; it was the idol of Love thatstood between my heart and heaven, darkening the latter with its shadow;and had I remained as true to God, as I did to the Maiden of my love, Ihad not needed this. " So saying, and ere the hand of Abubeker couldarrest him, he drew a poniard from his embroidered vest, and theheart-blood of the renegade spouted on the royal robes of the successorof Mahomet. 

 * * * * *

So grandly had James spooted this bloody story, that notwithstanding mysleepiness, his words whiles dirled through my marrow like quicksilver, and set all my flesh a grueing. In the middle of it, he was himself soworked up, that twice he pulled his Kilmarnock from his head, silk-napkin, bandage and all, and threw them down with a thump on thetable, which once wellnigh capsized a candlestick. 

The porter and the stabbing, also, very nearly put me beside myself; andI felt so queerish and eerie when I took my hat to wish him agood-night--knowing that baith Nanse and Benjie would be neither to holdnor bind, it being now half-past ten o'clock--that, had it not been forthe shame of the thing, and that I remembered being one of the King'sgallant volunteers, I fear I would have asked James for the lend of hislantern, to show me down the dark close. 

The reader will thus perceive that the adventure of the killing-coat, stuck alike in the measurement and in the making by Tammie Bodkin, wasdestined, in the great current of human events, to form a prominentfeature, not only in my own history, but in that of worthy James Batter. To me it might be considered as a passing breeze--having been accustomedto see and suffer a vast deal; but my friend, I fear much, will bearmarks of it to his grave. Yet I cannot blame myself with a safeconscience for James having fallen the victim to Cursecowl. I had triedeverything to solder up matters which the heart of man could suggest; andknowing that it was a catastrophe which would bring down open war andrebellion throughout the whole parish, my thoughts were all of peace, andhow to stave off the eruption of the bloody heathen. I had thought overthe thing seriously in my bed; and, reckoning plainly that Cursecowl wasnot one likely soon to hold out a flag of truce, I had come to thedetermination within myself to sound a parley--and offer either to takeback the coat, or refund part of the purchase-money. I may add, thathaving an unbounded regard for his judgment and descretion, I had, in myown mind, selected James Batter to be sent as the ambassador. The sameday, however, brought round the extraordinary purchase of theWillie-goat's head, and gave a new and unexpected turn to the wholebusiness. 

Folk, moreover, should never be so over-proud as not to confess when theyare in fault; and from what happened, I am free to admit, that James, harmless as a sucking dove, was no match in such a matter for the like ofCursecowl, who was a perfect incarnation, for devilry and cunning, of theold Serpent himself. 

My intentions, however, were good, and those of a Christian; for, hadCursecowl accepted the ten shillings by way of blood-money, which it wasthus my intention to have offered, this fearful and bloody stramash wouldhave been hushed up without the world having become a whit the wiser. But "there is many a slip, " as the proverb says, "between the cup and thelip"; and the best intentions often fall to the ground, like thebeggarman between the two stools. 

The final conclusion of the whole tradegy was, as it behoves me tomention, that Cursecowl, in consideration of a month's gratis work in theslaughter-house, made a brotherly legacy of the coat to his nephew, youngKillim. The laddie was a perfect world's wonder every Sunday, and wouldhave been laughed at out of his seven senses, had he not at last rebelledand fairly thrown it off. I make every allowance for the young man; andam sorry to confess that it was indeed a perfect shame to be seen. AtDalkeith, where one is well known, anything may pass; but I was always inbodily terror, that, had he gone to Edinburgh, he would have been takenup by the police, on suspicion of being either a Spanish pawtriot or ahighway robber. 

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE--CATCHING A PHILISTINE IN THE COAL-HOLE

Years wore on after the departure and death of poor Mungo Glen, duringthe which I had a sowd of prentices, good, bad, and indifferent, and whoafterwards cut, and are cutting, a variety of figures in the world. Sometimes I had two or three at a time; for the increase of business thatflowed in upon me with a full stream was tremendous, enabling me--who sayit that should not say it--to lay by a wheen bawbees for a sore head, orthe frailties of old age. Somehow or other, the clothes made on myshopboard came into great vogue through all Dalkeith, both for neatnessof shape and nicety of workmanship; and the young journeymen of othermasters did not think themselves perfected, or worthy a decent wage, tillthey had crooked their houghs for three months in my service. Withregard to myself, some of my acquaintances told me, that if I had goneinto Edinburgh to push my fortune, I could have cut half the trade out ofbread, and maybe risen, in the course of nature, to be Lord Provosthimself; but I just heard them speak, and kept my wheisht. I never wasoverly ambitious; and I remembered how proud Nebuchadnaazer ended witheating grass on all-fours. Every man has a right to be the best judge ofhis own private matters; though, to be sure, the advice of a true friendis often more precious than rubies, and sweeter than the Balm of Gilead. 

It was about the month of March, in the year of grace _anno Domini_eighteen hundred, that the whole country trembled, like a giant ill ofthe ague, under the consternation of Buonaparte, and all the Frenchvagabonds emigrating over, and landing in the Firth. Keep us all! thefolk, doitit bodies, put less confidence than became them in what ourvolunteer regiments were able and willing to do; yet we had a remnantamong us of the true blood, that with loud laughter laughed the creaturesto scorn; and I, for one, kept up my pluck, like a true Highlander. Doesany living soul believe that Scotland--the land of the Tweed, and theClyde, and the Tay--could be conquered, and the like of us sold, likeEgyptian slaves, into captivity? Fie, fie--I despise such haivers. Arewe not descended, father and son, from Robert Bruce and Sir WilliamWallace, having the bright blood of freemen in our veins, and thePentland Hills, as well as our own dear homes and firesides, to fightfor? The rascal that would not give cut-and-thrust for his country aslong as he had a breath to draw, or a leg to stand on, should be tiedneck and heels, without benefit of clergy, and thrown over Leith pier, toswim for his life like a mangy dog!

Hard doubtless it is--and I freely confess it--to be called by sound ofbugle, or tuck of drum, from the counter and the shopboard--men, thathave been born and bred to peaceful callings, to mount the red-jacket, soap the hair, buckle on the buff-belt, load with ball-cartridge, andscrew bayonets; but it's no use talking. We were ever the free British;and before we would say to Frenchmen that we were their humble servants, we would either twist the very noses off their faces, or perish in theglorious struggle. 

It was aye the opinion of the Political folk, the Whigs, the Black-nebs, the Radicals, the Papists, and the Friends of the People, together withthe rest of the clan-jamphrey, that it was a done battle, and thatBuonaparte would lick us back and side. All this was in the heart andheat of the great war, when we were struggling, like drowning men, forour very life and existence, and when our colours--the true Britishflag--were nailed to the mast-head. One would have thought these ripswere a set of prophets, they were all so busy prophesying, and neveranything good. They kent (believe them) that we were to be smote hip andthigh; and that to oppose the vile Corsican was like men withstrait-jackets out of Bedlam. They could see nothing brewing around thembut death, and disaster, and desolation, and pillage, and nationalbankruptcy--our brave Highlanders, with their heads shot off, lying onthe bloody field of battle, all slaughtered to a man; our sailors, handcuffed and shackled, musing in a French prison on the bypast days ofCamperdown, and of Lord Rodney breaking through the line; with all theirfleets sunk to the bottom of the salt sea, after being raked fore and aftwith chain-shot; and our timber, sugar, tea and treacle merchants, allfleeing for safety and succour down to lodgings in the Abbey Strand, witha yellow stocking on the ae leg and a black one on the other, like awheen mountebanks. Little could they foresee, with their spentacles ofprophecy, that a battle of Waterloo would ever be fought, to make theconfounded fugies draw in their horns, and steek up their scraighing gabsfor ever. Poor fushionless creatures!

I do not pretend to be a politician, --having been bred to the tailoringline syne ever I was a callant, and not seeing the AdverteezerNewspapers, or the Edinburgh Evening Courant, save and except at an orratime, --so I shall say no more, nor pretend to be one of thethousand-and-one wise men, able and willing to direct his Majesty'sMinisters on all matters of importance regarding Church or State. Onething, however, I trust I ken, and that is, my duty to my King as hisloyal subject, to old Scotland as her unworthy son, and to my family astheir prop, support, and breadwinner;--so I shall stick to all three(under Heaven) as long as I have a drop of blood in my precious veins. But the truth is--and I will let it out and shame the de'il--that I couldnot help making these general observations (as Maister Wiggie calls thespiritualeezing of his discourses), as what I have to relate might wellmake my principles suspected, were they not known to all the world to beas firm as the foundations of the Bass Rock. Ye shall nevertheless judgefor yourselves. 

It was sometime in the blasty month of March, the weather being rawishand rainy, with sharp frosty nights that left all the window-soleswhitewashed over with frost rind in the mornings, that as I was going outin the dark, before lying down in my bed, to give a look into thehen-house, and lock the coal-cellar, so that I might hang the bit key onthe nail behind our room window-shutter, I happened to give a keek in, and, lo and behold! the awful apparition of a man with a yellow jacket, lying sound asleep on a great lump of parrot-coal in a corner!

In the first hurry of my terror and surprise, at seeing a man with ayellow jacket and a green foraging-cap in such a situation, I was like todrop the good twopenny candle, and faint clean away; but, coming tomyself in a jiffie, I determined, in case it might be a highway robber, to thraw about the key, and, running up for the firelock, shoot himthrough the head instantly, if found necessary. In turning round thekey, the lock, being in want of a feather of oil, made a noise, andwakened the poor wretch, who, jumping to the soles of his feet indespair, cried out in a voice that was like to break my heart, though Icould not make out one word of his paraphernally. It minded me, by allthe world, of a wheen cats fuffing and fighting through ither, and whilessomething that sounded like "Sugar, sugar, measure the cord, " and "dabbledabble. " It was worse than the most outrageous Gaelic ever spoken in theheight of passion by a Hieland shearer. 

"Oho!" thinks I, "friend, ye cannot be a Christian from your lingo, that's one thing poz; and I would wager tippence you're a Frenchy. Whokens, keep us all, but ye may be Buonaparte himself in disguise, comeover in a flat-bottomed boat to spy the nakedness of the land. So ye mayjust rest content, and keep your quarters good till the morn's morning. "

It was a wonderful business, and enough to happen to a man in the courseof his lifetime, to find Mounseer from Paris in his coal-neuk, and havethe enemy of his country snug under lock and key; so, while he keptrampauging, fuffing, stamping, and _diabbling_ away, I went in andbrought out Benjie, with a blanket rowed round him, and my journeyman, Tommy Staytape--who, being an orphan, I made a kind of parlour-boarderof, he sleeping on a shake-down beyond the kitchen-fire--to hold aconsultation, and be witness of the transaction. 

I got my musket, and Tommy Staytape armed himself with the goose--adeadly weapon, whoever may get a clour with it--and Benjie took the pokerin one hand, and the tongs in the other; and out we all marched briskly, to make the Frenchman, that was locked up from the light of day in thecoal-house, surrender. After hearkening at the door for a while, andfinding all quiet, we gave a knock to rouse him up, and see if we couldbring any thing out of him by speering cross-questions. Tommy and Benjietrembled from top to toe, like aspen leaves, but fient a word could wemake common sense of at all. I wonder who educates these foreigncreatures? it was in vain to follow him, for he just gab-gabbled away, like one of the stone masons at the Tower of Babel. At first I wascompletely bamboozled, and almost dung stupid, though I kent one word ofFrench which I wanted to put to him, so I cried through, "Canna you speakScotcha, Mounseer?"

He had not the politeness to stop and make answer, but just went on withhis string of haivers, without either rhyme or reason, which we couldmake neither top, tail, nor main of. 

It was a sore trial to us all, putting us to our wit's end, and how tocome on was past all visible comprehension; when Tommy Staytape, givinghis elbow a rub, said, "Od, maister, I wager something that he's brokenloose frae Penicuik. We have him like a rotten in a fa'. "

On Penicuik being mentioned, we heard the foreign creature in thecoal-house groaning out, "och, " and "ochone, " and "parbleu, " and "MysieRabble, "--that I fancy was his sweetheart at home, some bit French quean, that wondered he was never like to come from the wars and marry her. Ithought on this, for his voice was mournful, though I could notunderstand the words; and kenning he was a stranger in a far land, mybowels yearned within me with compassion towards him. 

I would have given half-a-crown at that blessed moment to have been ableto wash my hands free of him; but I swithered, and was like the cuddiebetween the two bundles of hay. At long and last a thought struck me, which was to give the deluded simple creature a chance of escape;reckoning that, if he found his way home, he would see the shame andfolly of fighting against us any more; and, marrying Mysie Rabble, live acontented and peaceful life, under his own fig and bay tree. So wishinghim a sound sleep, I cried through the door, "Mounseer, gooda nighta";decoying away Benjie and Tommy Staytape into the house. Bidding themdepart to their beds, I said to them after shutting the door, "Now, callants, we have the precious life of a fellow-creature in our hand, andto account for. Though he has a yellow jacket on, and speaks nonsense, yet, nevertheless, he is of the same flesh and blood as ourselves. Maybewe may be all obliged to wear green foraging-caps before we die yet!Mention what we have seen or heard to no living soul; for maybe, if hewere to escape, we would be all taken up on suspicion of being spies, andhanged on a gallows as high as Haman. "--After giving them this wholesomeadvice, I dispatched them to their beds like lamplighters, binding themto never fash their thumbs, but sleep like tops, as I would keep a sharplook-out till morning. 

As soon, howsoever, as I heard them sleeping, and playing on the pipesthrough their noses, I cried first "Tommy, " and syne "Benjie, " to besure; and, glad to receive no answer from either, I went to the aumrieand took out a mutton-bone, gey sair pyked, but fleshy enough at themouse end; and, putting a penny row beside it, crap out to the coal-houseon my tiptaes. All was quiet as pussie, --so I shot them through the holeat the corner made for letting the gaislings in by; and giving a tirl, cried softly through, "Halloa, Mounseer, there's your suppera fora youa;for I dara saya you are yauppa. "

The poor chiel commenced again to grunt and grane, and groan and yelp, and cry ochone;--and make such woful lamentations, that heart of mancould not stand it; and I found the warm tears prap-prapping to my een. Before being put to this trial of my strength, I thought that, if ever itwas my fortune to foregather with a Frenchman, either him or me should door die; but, i'fegs, one should not crack so crouse before they are putto the test; and, though I had taken a prisoner without fighting atall--though he had come into the coal-hole of the Philistines of his ownaccord as it were, and was as safe as the spy in the house of Rahab atJericho--and though we had him like a mouse beneath a firlet, snug undercustody of lock and key, yet I considered within myself, with a pitifulconsideration, that, although he could not speak well, he might yet feeldeeply; that he might have a father and mother, and sisters and brothers, in his ain country, weeping and wearying for his return; and that histrue love Mysie Rabble might pine away like a snapped flower, and die ofa broken heart. 

Being a volunteer, and so one of his Majesty's confidential servants, Iswithered tremendously between my duty as a man and a soldier; but, dowhat you like, nature will aye be uppermost. The scale weighed down tothe side of pity. I hearkened to the scripture that promises a blessingto the merciful in heart; and determined, come of it what would, to letthe Frenchy take his chance of falling into other hands. 

Having given him a due allowance by looking at my watch, and thinking hewould have had enough of time to have taken his will of the mutton-bonein the way of pyking, I went to the press and brought out a bottle ofswipes, which I also shoved through the hole; although, for lack of atanker, there being none at hand, he would be obliged to lift it to hishead, and do his best. To show the creature did not want sense, heshoved, when he was done, the empty plate and the toom bottle throughbeneath the door, mumbling some trash or other which no living creaturecould comprehend, but which I dare say, from the way it was said, was thetelling me how much he was obliged for his supper and poor lodging. Frommy kindness towards him, he grew more composed; but as he went back tothe corner to lie down, I heard him give two-three heavy sighs. --I couldnot thole't, mortal foe though the man was of mine; so I gave the key acanny thraw round in the lock, as it were by chance; and, wishing him agood-night, went to my bed beside Nanse. 

At the dawn of day, by cock-craw, Benjie and Tommy Staytape, keen of theploy, were up and astir, as anxious as if their life depended on it, tosee that all was safe and snug, and that the prisoner had not shot thelock. They agreed to march sentry over him half an hour the piece, timeabout, the one stretching himself out on a stool beside the kitchen fire, by way of a bench in the guard-house, while the other went to and frolike the ticker of a clock. I dare say they saw themselves marching himafter breakfast time, with his yellow jacket, through a mob of weans withglowering een and gaping mouths, up to the Tolbooth. 

The back window being up a jink, I heard the two confabbing. "We'll drawcuts, " said Benjie, "which is to walk sentry first; see, here's twostraws, the longest gets the choice. "--"I've won, " cried Tommy; "so gangyou in a while, and if I need ye, or grow frightened, I'll beatleather-ty-patch wi' my buckles on the back-door. But we had better seefirst what he is about, for he may be howking a hole through aneath thefoundations; thae fiefs can work like moudiwarts. "--"I'll slip forret, "said Benjie, "and gie a peep. "--"Keep to a side, " cried Tommy Staytape, "for, dog on it, Moosey'll maybe hae a pistol; and, if his birse be up, he would think nae mair o' shooting ye as dead as a red herring, than Iwould do of taking my breakfast. "

"I'll rin past, and gie a knock at the door wi' the poker to rouse himup?" asked Benjie. 

"Come away then, " answered Tommy, "and ye'll hear him gie a yowl, andcommence gabbling like a goose. "

As all this was going on, I rose and took a vizzy between the chinks ofthe window-shutters; so, just as I got my neb to the hole, I saw Benjie, as he flew past, give the door a drive. His consternation, on finding itflee half open, may be easier imagined than described; especially, as onthe door dunting to again, it being soople in the hinges, they bothplainly heard a fistling within. Neither of them ever got such a flegsince they were born; for expecting the Frenchman to bounce out like aroaring lion, they hurried like mad into the house, couping the creelsover one another, Tommy spraining his thumb against the back-door, andBenjie's foot going into Tommy's coat-pocket, which it carried away withit, like a cloth-sandal. 

At the noise of this stramash, I took opportunity to come fleeing downthe stair, with the gun in my hand; in the first place, to show them Iwas not frightened to handle fire-arms; and, in the second, makingpretence that I thought it was Mounseer with his green foraging-capmaking an attempt at housebreaking. Benjie was in a terrible pickle;and, though his nose was blooding with the drive he had come againstTommy's teeth, he took hold of my arm like grim death, crying, "Taketent, faither, take tent; the door is open, and the Penicuiker hidinghimself behind it. He'll brain some of us with a lump of coal--and willhe!"

I jealoused at once that this was nonsense; judging that, by all means ofrationality, the creature would be off and away like lightning to thesea-shore, and over to France in some honest man's fishing boat, down byat Fisherrow; but, to throw stoure in the een of the two callants, Iloaded with a wheen draps in their presence; and, warily priming the pan, went forward with the piece at full-cock. 

Tommy and Benjie came behind me, while, pushing the door wide open withthe muzzle, as I held my finger at the tricker, I cried, "Stand or beshot"; when young Cursecowl's big ugly mastiff-dog, with the bare muttonbone in its teeth, bolted through between my legs like a fury, and withsuch a force as to heel me over on the braid of my back, while I went adunt on the causey that made the gun go off, and riddled Nanse's bestwashing-tub, in a manner that laid it on the superannuated list as to thematter of holding in water. The goose that was sitting on her eggs, among clean straw, in the inside of it, was also rendered a lameter forlife. 

What became of the French vagrant was never seen or heard tell of, fromthat day to this. Maybe he was catched, and, tied neck and heels, hurried back to Penicuik as fast as he left it; or maybe--as one of theFisherrow oyster-boats was amissing next morning--he succeeded in givingour brave fleets the slip, and rowing night and day against wind andtide, got home in a safe skin: but this is all matter of surmise--nobodykens. 

On making search in the coal-house at our leisure afterwards, we found aboxful of things with black dots on them, some with one, some with two, and four, and six, and so on, for playing at an outlandish game they callthe dominoes. It was the handiwork of the poor French creature, that hadno other Christian employment but making these and suchlike, out ofsheep-shanks and marrow bones. I never liked gambling all my life, itbeing contrary to the Ten Commandments; and mind of putting on the backof the fire the old pack of cards, with the Jack of Trumps among them, that the deboshed journeymen tailors, in the shop with me in theGrassmarket, used to play birkie with when the maister's back was turned. This is the first time I have acknowledged the transaction to a livingsoul; had they found me out at the time, my life would not have beenworth a pinch of snuff. But as to the dominoes, considering that theFrenchy must have left them as a token of gratitude, and as the onlypayment in his power for a bit comfortable supper, it behoved me--for soI thought--not to turn the wrong side of my face altogether on hispresent, as that would be unmannerly towards a poor stranger. 

Nevertheless, and notwithstanding all these reasons, the dominoes, aftereverything that can be said of good anent them, were a black sight, andfor months and months produced a scene of riot and idleness after workinghours, that went far to render our housie that was before a picture ofdecorum and decency a tabernacle of confusion and a hell upon earth. Whenever time for stopping work came about, down we regularly all sat, night after night, the wife, Benjie, and Tommy Staytape, and myself, playing for a ha'penny the game, and growing as anxious, fierce, and keenabout it, as if we had been earning the bread of life. After two orthree months' trial, I saw that it would never do, for all subordinationwas fast coming to an end in our bit house, and, for lack of lookingafter, a great number of small accounts for clouting elbows, piecingwaistcoats, and mending leggins, remained unpaid; a great number of waufcustomers crowding about us, by way of giving us their change, but withno intention of ever paying a single fraction. The wife, that used tokeep everything bein and snug, behaving herself like the sober mother ofa family, began to funk on being taken through hands, and grewobstrapulous with her tongue. Instead of following my directions--whowas his born maister in the cutting and shaping line--Tommy Staytapepretended to set up a judgment of his own, and disfigured someploughmen's jackets in a manner most hideous to behold; while, to crownall, even Absalom, the very callant Benjie, my only bairn, had theimpudence to contradict me more than once, and began to think himself asclever as his father. Save us all! it was a terrible business, but Idetermined, come what would, to give it the finishing stitch. 

Every night being worse than another, I did not wait long for anopportunity of letting the whole of them ken my mind, and that, wheneverI chose, I could make them wheel to the right about. So it chanced, aswe were playing, that I was in prime luck, first rooking the one and synethe other, and I saw them twisting and screwing their mouths about as ifthey were chewing bitter aloes. Finding that they were on the point ofbeing beaten roop and stoop, they all three rose up from the chairs, crying with one voice, that I was a cheat. --An elder of Maister Wiggie'skirk to be called a cheat! Most awful!!! Flesh and blood could notstand it, more especially when I thought on who had dared to presume tocall me such; so, in a whirlwind of fury, I swept up two nievefuls ofdominoes off the table, and made them flee into the bleezing fire; where, after fizzing and cracking like a wheen squeebs, the whole tot, exceptabout half-a-dozen which fell into the porritch-pot, which was on boilingat the time, were reduced to a heap of grey aizles. I soon showed themwho was the top of the tree, and what they were likely to make ofundutiful rebellion. 

So much for a Mounseer's legacy; being in a kind of doubt whether, according to the Riot Act and the Articles of War, I had a clearconscience in letting him away, I could not expect that any favourgranted at his hands was likely to prosper. In fighting, it is well kentto themselves and all the world, that they have no earthly chance withus; so they are reduced to the necessity of doing what they can, bycoming to our firesides in sheep's clothing, and throwing ram-pushionamong the family broth. They had better take care that they do not gettheir fingers scadded. 

Having given the dominoes their due, and washed my hands free of gamblingI trust for evermore, I turned myself to a better business, which was thegoing, leaf by leaf, back through our bit day-book, where I found atremendous sowd of wee outstanding debts. I daresay, not to tell a lee, there were fifty of them, from a shilling to eighteenpence, and so on;but small and small, reckoned up by simple addition, amount to a roundsum; while, to add to the misery of the matter, I found we wereentangling ourselves to work to a wheen ugly customers, skemps that hadnot wherewithal to pay lawful debts, and downright rascal-raggamuffins, and ne'er-do-weels. According to the articles of indenture drawn upbetween me and Tommy Staytape, by Rory Sneckdrawer the penny-writer, whenhe was bound a prentice to me for seven years, I had engaged myself tobring him up to be a man of business. Though now a journeyman, Ireckoned the obligation still binding; so, tying up two dockets ofaccounts with a piece of twine, I gave one parcel to Tommy, and the otherto Benjie, telling them by way of encouragement, that I would give them apenny the pound for what silver they could bring me in by hook or crook. 

 [Picture: An old Dalkeith body]

After three days' toil and trouble, wherein they mostly wore their shoonoff their feet, going first up one close and syne down another, uptrap-stairs to garrets and ben long trances that led into dirtyholes--what think ye did they collect? Not one bodle--not one coin ofcopper! This one was out of work;--and that one had his house-rent topay;--and a third one had an income in his nose;--and a fourth wasbedridden with rheumatics;--and a fifth one's mother's auntie's cousinwas dead;--and a sixth one's good-brother's nevoy was going to be marriedcome Martymas;--and a seventh one was away to the back of beyond to seehis granny in the Hielands;--and so on. It was a terrible business, butwhat wool can ye get by clipping swine?

The only rational answers I got were two; one of them, Geggie Trotter, anatural simpleton, told Tommy Staytape, "that, for part-payment, he wouldgive me a prime leg of mutton, as he had killed his sow last week. "--Andwhat, said I to Benjie, did Jacob Truff the gravedigger tell ye by way ofnews? "He just bad me tell ye, faither, that hoo could ye expect hecou'd gie ye onything till the times grew better; as he hadna buried aliving soul in the kirkyard for mair nor a fortnight. "

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX--ANENT BENJIE IN HIS THIRTEENTH YEAR

It is a most wonderful thing to the eye of a philosopher, to makeobservation how youth gets up, notwithstanding all the dunts and tumblesof infancy--to say nothing of the spaining-brash and the teeth-cutting;and to behold the visible changes that the course of a few yearsproduces. Keep us all! it seemed but yesterday to me, when Benjie, a weebit smout of a wean, with long linty locks and docked petticoats, toddledbut and ben, with a coral gumstick tied round his waist with a bitknitten; and now, after he had been at Dominie Threshem's for four years, he had learned to read Barrie's Collection almost as well as the mastercould do for his lugs; and was up to all manner of accounts, from simpleaddition and the multiplication-table, even to vulgar fractions, and allthe lave of them. 

At the yearly examination of the school-room by the Presbytery andMaister Wiggie, he aye sat at the head of the form, and never failedgetting a clap on the head and a wheen carvies. They that are fatherswill not wonder that this made me as proud as a peacock; but when theyasked his name, and found whose son he was, then the matter seemed tocease being a business of wonder, as nobody could suppose that an onlybairn, born to me in lawful wedlock, could be a dult. Folk'scleverness--at least I should think so--lies in their pows; and, thatallowed, Benjie's was a gey droll one, being of the most remarkable sortof a shape ye ever saw; but, what is more to the purpose both here andhereafter, he was a real good-hearted callant, though as gleg as a hawkand as sharp as a needle. Everybody that had the smallest gumptionprophesied that he would be a real clever one; nor could we grudge thatwe took pains in his rearing--he having been like a sucking-turkey, or ahot-house plant from far away, delicate in the constitution--when we sawthat the debt was likely to be paid with bank-interest, and that, by hisuncommon cleverality, the callant was to be a credit to our family. 

Many and long were the debates between his fond mother and me, what tradewe would breed him up to--for the matter now became serious, Benjie beingin his thirteenth year; and, though a wee bowed in the near leg, from asuppleness about his knee-joint, nevertheless as active as a hatter, andfit for any calling whatsoever under the sun. One thing I had determinedin my own mind, and that was, that he should never with my will goabroad. The gentry are no doubt philosophers enough to bring up theirbairns like sheep to the slaughter, and dispatch them as cadies to Bengaland the Cape of Good Hope, as soon as they are grown up; when, lo andbehold! the first news they hear of them is in a letter, sealed withblack wax, telling how they died of the liver complaint, and were buriedby six blacks two hours after. 

That was one thing settled and sealed, so no more need be said about it;yet, notwithstanding of Nanse's being satisfied that the spaewife was adeceitful gipsy, perfectly untrustworthy, she would aye have a finger inthe pie, and try to persuade me in a coaxing way. "I'm sure, " she wouldsay, "ane with half an e'e may see that our son Benjie has just thephysog of an admiral. It's a great shame contradicting nature. "

"Po, po, " answered I, "woman, ye dinna ken what ye're saying. Do yeimagine that, if he were made a sea-admiral, we could ever live to haveany comfort in the son of our bosom? Would he not, think ye, be obligedwith his ship to sail the salt seas, through foul weather and fair; and, when he met the French, to fight, hack, and hew them down, lith and limb, with grape-shot and cutlass; till some unfortunate day or other, afterhaving lost a leg and an arm in the service, he is felled as dead as adoor-nail, with a cut and thrust over the crown, by some furious rascalthat saw he was off his guard, glowring with his blind e'e anotherway?--Ye speak havers, Nanse; what are all the honours of this worldworth? No worth this pinch of snuff I have between my finger and thumb, no worth a bodle, if we never saw our Benjie again, but he was ayeranging and rampauging far abroad, shedding human blood; and when wecould only aye dream about him in our sleep, as one that was wanderingnight and day blindfold, down the long, dark, lampless avenue ofdestruction, and destined never more to visit Dalkeith again, except witha wooden stump and a brass virl, or to have his head blown off hisshoulders, mast high, like ingan peelings, with some exploding earthquakeof combustible gunpowder. --Call in the laddie, I say, and see what hewould like to be himsell. "

Nanse ran but the house, and straightway brought Benjie, who was playingat the bools, ben by the lug and horn. I had got a glass, so my spiritwas up. "Stand there, " I said; "Benjie, look me in the face, and tell mewhat trade ye would like to be. "

"Trade?" answered Benjie; "I would like to be a gentleman. "

Dog on it, it was more than I could thole, and I saw that his mother hadspoiled him; so, though I aye liked to give him wholesome reproof ratherthan lift my fist, I broke through this rule in a couple of hurries, andgave him such a yerk in the cheek with the loof of my hand, as made, I amsure, his lugs ring, and sent him dozing to the door like a peerie. 

"Ye see that, " said I, as the laddie went ben the house whingeing; "yesee what a kettle of fish ye have made o't?"

"Weel, weel, " answered Nanse, a wee startled by my strong, decisive wayof managing, "ye ken best, and, I fancy, maun tak' the matter your ainway. But ye can have no earthly objection to making him a lawyer'sadvocatt?"

"I wad see him hanged first, " answered I. "What! do you imagine I wouldset a son of mine to be a sherry-offisher, ganging about rampaugingthrough the country, taking up fiefs and robbers, and suspiciouscharacters, with wauf looks and waur claes; exposed to all manner of evilcommunication from bad company, in the way of business; and rouping outpuir creatures that cannot find wherewithal to pay their lawful debts, atthe Cross, by warrant of the Sherry, with an auld chair in ae hand and aeevery hammer in the ither? Siccan a sight wad be the death o' me. "

"What think ye then of the preaching line?" asked Nanse. 

"The preaching line!" quo' I--"No, no, that'll never do. Not that I wantrespect for ministers, who are the servants of the Most High; but thetruth is, that unless ye have great friends and patronage of the like ofthe Duke down by, or Marquis of Lothian up by, or suchlike, ye may preachyoursell as hoarse as a corbie, from June to January, before onybody willsay, 'Hae, puir man, there's a kirk. ' And if no kirk casts up--which ismore nor likely--what can a young probationer turn his hand to? He hadlearned no trade, so he can neither work nor want. He daurna dig nordelve, even, though he were able, or he would be hauled by the cuff ofthe neck before his betters in the General Assembly, for having theimpudence to go for to be so bold as dishonour the cloth; and though hemay get his bit orra half-a-guinea whiles, for holding forth in some bitcountry kirk, to a wheen shepherds and their dogs, when the ministerhimself, staring with the fat of good living and little work, is lyingill of a bile fever, or has the gout in his muckle toe, yet he has ayethe miseries of uncertainty to encounter; his coat grows bare in thecuffs, greasy in the neck, and brown between the shouthers; his jawbonesget long and lank, his een sunk, and his head grey wi' vexation, and whatthe wise Solomon calls 'hope deferred'; so at long and last, friendlessand penniless, he takes the incurable complaint of a broken heart, and isburied out of the gate, in some bit strange corner of the kirkyard. "

"Stop, stop, gudeman, " cried Nanse, half greeting, "that's an awfu'business; but I daresay it's owre true. But mightna we breed him adoctor? It seems they have unco profits; and, as he's sae clever, hemight come to be a graduit. "

"Doctor!" answered I--"Keh, keh, let that flee stick i' the wa'; it's a'ye ken about it. If ye was only aware of what doctors had to do and see, between dwining weans and crying wives, ye would have thought twicebefore ye let that out. How de ye think our callant has a heart withinhim to look at folk blooding like sheep, or to sew up cutted throats witha silver needle and silk thread, as I would stitch a pair of trowsers; orto trepan out pieces of coloured skulls, filling up the hole with an ironplate; and pull teeth, maybe the only ones left, out of auld women'sheads, and so on, to say nothing of rampauging with dark lanterns anddouble-tweel dreadnoughts, about gousty kirkyards, among humlock and longnettles, the haill night over, like spunkie--shoving the dead corpses, winding-sheets and all, into corn-sacks, and boiling their bones, afterthey have dissected all the red flesh off them, into a big caudron, toget out the marrow to make drogs of?"

"Eh, stop, stop, Mansie!" cried Nanse holding up her hands. 

"Na, " continued I, "but it's a true bill--it's as true as ye are sittingthere. And do ye think that any earthly compensation, either gowpins ofgowd by way of fees, or yellow chariots to ride in, with a black servantsticking up behind, like a sign over a tobacconist's door, can ever makeup for the loss of a man's having all his feelings seared to iron, andhis soul made into whinstone, yea, into the nether-millstone, by beingart and part in sic dark and devilish abominations? Go away wi' siccandownright nonsense. Hearken, to my words, Nanse, my dear. The happiestman is he that can live quietly and soberly on the earnings of hisindustry, pays his day and way, works not only to win the bread of lifefor his wife and weans, but because he kens that idle-set is sinful;keeps a pure heart towards God and man; and, caring not for the fashionof this world, departs from it in the hope of going, through the meritsof his Redeemer, to a better. "

"Ye are right, after a', " said Nanse, giving me a pat on the shouther;and finding who was her master as well as spouse--"I'll wad it become meto gang for to gie advice to my betters. Tak' your will of the business, gudeman; and if ye dinna mak' him an admiral, just mak' him what yelike. "

Now is the time, thought I to myself, to carry out my point, finding thedrappikie I had taken with Donald M'Naughton, in settling his account forthe green jacket, still working in my noddle, and giving me a power ofwords equal to Mr Blouster, the Cameronian preacher, --now is the time, for I still saw the unleavened pride of womankind wambling within herlike a serpent that has got a knock on the pow, and been cast down butnot destroyed; so taking a hearty snuff out of my box, and drawing it upfirst one nostril, then another, syne dighting my finger and thumb on mybreek-knees, "What think ye, " said I, "of a sweep? Were it not forgetting their faces blacked like savages, a sweep is not such a bad tradeafter a'; though, to be sure, going down lums six stories high, head-foremost, and landing upon the soles of their feet upon thehearth-stone, like a kittlin, is no just so pleasant. " Ye observe, itwas only to throw cold wayter on the unthrifty flame of a mother's pridethat I said this, and to pull down uppishness from its heathenish templein the heart, head-foremost. So I looked to her, to hear how she wouldcome on. 

"Haivers, haivers, " said Nanse, birsing up like a cat before a cooley. "Sweep, say ye? I would sooner send him up wi' Lunardi to the man of themoon; or see him banished, shackled neck and heels, to Botany Bay. "

"A weel, a weel, " answered I, "what notion have ye of the packman line?We could fill his box with needles, and prins, and tape, and hanks ofworsted, and penny thimbles, at a small expense; and, putting a stick inhis hand, send him abroad into the wide world to push his fortune. "

The wife looked dumfoundered. Howsoever--"Or breed him a rowley-powleyman, " continued I, "to trail about the country frequenting fairs; anddozing thro' the streets selling penny cakes to weans, out of a basketslung round the neck with a leather strap; and parliaments, and quality, brown and white, and snaps well peppered, and gingerbread nits, and soon. The trade is no a bad ane, if creatures would only learn to becareful. "

"Mansie Wauch, Mansie Wauch, hae ye gane out o' yere wuts?" criedNanse--"are ye really serious?"

I saw what I was about, so went on without pretending to mind her. "Orwhat say ye to a penny-pie-man? I'fegs, it's a cozy birth, and ane thatgars the cappers birl down. What's the expense of a bit daigh, half anounce weight, pirled round wi' the knuckles into a case, and filled halffull o' salt and water, wi' twa or three nips o' braxy floating aboutin't? Just naething ava;--and consider on a winter night, wheniceshackles are hinging from the tiles, and stomachs relish what is warmand tasty, what a sale they can get, if they go about jingling theirlittle bell, and keep the genuine article. Then ye ken in the afternoon, he can show that he has two strings to his bow; and have a wheen cookies, either new baked for ladies' teaparties, or the yesterday's auldshopkeepers' het up i' the oven again--which is all to ae purpose. "

"Are ye really in your seven natural senses--or can I believe my ain een?I could almost believe some warlock had thrown glamour into them, " saidNanse staring me broad in the face. 

"Take a good look, gudewife, for seeing's believing, " quo' I; and thencontinued, without drawing breath or bridle, at full birr--

"Or if the baking line does not please ye, what say ye to binding himregularly to a man-cook? There he'll see life in all its variorums. Losh keep us a', what an insight into the secrets of roasting, brandering, frying, boiling, baking, and brewing--nicking of geese'scraigs--hacking the necks of dead chickens, and cutting out the tonguesof leeving turkeys! Then what a steaming o' fat soup in the nostrils;and siccan a collection o' fine smells, as would persuade a man that hecould fill his stomach through his nose! No weather can reach suchcattle: it may be a storm of snow twenty feet deep, or an even-down pourof rain, washing the very cats off the house tops; when a weaver isshivering at his loom, with not a drop of blood at his finger nails, anda tailor like myself, so numb with cauld, that instead of driving theneedle through the claith, he brogs it through his ain thumb--then, fienta hair care they; but, standing beside a ranting, roaring, parrot-coalfire, in a white apron and gingham jacket, they pour sauce out of ae paninto another, to suit the taste of my Lord this, and my Lady that, turning, by their legerdemain, fish into fowl, and fowl into flesh; till, in the long run, man, woman, and wean, a' chew and champ away, withoutkenning more what they are eating than ye ken the day ye'll dee, orwhether the Witch of Endor wore a demity falderal, or a manco petticoat. "

"Weel, " cried Nanse, half rising to go ben the house, "I'll sit naelanger to hear ye gabbling nonsense like a magpie. Mak' Benjie what yelike; but ye'll mak' me greet the een out o' my head. "

"Hooly and fairly, " said I; "Nanse, sit still like a woman, and hear meout;" so, giving her a pat on the shouther, she sat her ways down, and Iresumed my discourse. 

"Ye've heard, gudewife, from Benjie's own mouth, that he has made up hismind to follow out the trade of a gentleman;--who has put such outrageousnotions in his head I'm sure I'll not pretend to guess at. Having nevermyself been above daily bread, and constant work--when I could get it--Idare not presume to speak from experience: but this I can say, fromhaving some acquaintances in the line, that, of all easy lives, commendme to that of a gentleman's gentleman. It's true he's caa'd a flunky, which does not sound quite the thing; but what of that? what's in a name?pugh! it does not signify a bawbee--no, nor that pinch of snuff: for, ifwe descend to particulars, we're all flunkies together, except hisMajesty on the throne. --Then William Pitt is his flunky--and half thehouse of Commons are his flunkies, doing what he bids them, right orwrong, and no daring to disobey orders, not for the hair in theirheads--then the Earl waits on my Lord Duke--Sir Something waits on myLord Somebody--and his tenant, Mr So-and-so, waits on him--and MrSo-and-so has his butler--and the butler has his flunky--and theshoeblack brushes the flunky's jacket--and so on. We all hang at oneanother's tails like a rope of ingans--so ye observe, that any suchobjection in the sight of a philosopher like our Benjie, would not weigha straw's weight. 

"Then consider, for a moment--just consider, gudewife--what company aflunky is every day taken up with, standing behind the chairs, andhelping to clean plates and porter; and the manners he cannot helplearning, if he is in the smallest gleg in the uptake, so that, when outof livery, it is the toss up of a halfpenny whether ye find out thedifference between the man and the master. He learns, in fact, everything. He learns French--he learns dancing in all its branches--helearns how to give boots the finishing polish--he learns how to play atcards, as if he had been born and bred an Earl--he learns, from pouringthe bottles, the names of every wine brewed abroad--he learns how tobrush a coat, so that, after six months' tear and wear, one withoutspectacles would imagine it had only gotten the finishing stitch on theSaturday night before; and he learns to play on the flute, and thespinnet, and the piano, and the fiddle, and the bagpipes; and to sing allmanner of songs, and to skirl, full gallop, with such a pith and birr, that though he was to lose his precious eyesight with the small-pox, or aflash of forked lightning, or fall down a three-story stair dead drunk, smash his legs to such a degree that both of them required to be cut off, above the knees, half an hour after, so far all right and well--for hecould just tear off his shoulder-knot, and make a perfect fortune--in theone case, in being led from door to door by a ragged laddie, with astring at the button-hole, playing 'Ower the Border, ' 'The Hen's March, ''Donald M'Donald, ' 'Jenny Nettles, ' and such like grand tunes, on theclarinet; or, in the other case, being drawn from town to town, and fromdoor to door, on a hurdle, like a lord, harnessed to four dogs of allcolours, at the rate of two miles in the hour, exclusive ofstoppages. --What say ye, gudewife?"

Nanse gave a mournful look, as if she was frighted I had grown demented, and only said, "Tak' your ain way, gudeman; ye'se get your ain way forme, I fancy. "

Seeing her in this Christian state of resignation, I determined at onceto hit the nail on the head, and put an end to the whole business as Iintended. "Now, Nanse, " quo' I, "to come to close quarters with ye, tellme candidly and seriously what ye think of a barber? Every one mustallow it's a canny and cozy trade. "

"A barber that shaves beards!" said Nanse. "'Od Mansie, ye're surelygaun gyte. Ye're surely joking me all the time?"

"Joking!" answered I, smoothing down my chin, which was gey an'rough--"Joking here or joking there, I should not think the settling ofan only bairn in an honourable way of doing for all the days of hisnatural life, is any joking business. Ye dinna ken what ye're saying, woman. Barbers! i'fegs, to turn up your nose at barbers! did ever livinghear such nonsense! But to be sure, one can blame nobody if they speakto the best of their experience. I've heard tell of barbers, woman, about London, that rode up this street, and down that other street, incoaches and four, jumping out to every one that halooed to them, sharpingrazors both on stone and strap, at the ransome of a penny the pair; andshaving off men's beards, whiskers and all, stoop and roop, for athree-ha'pence. Speak of barbers! it's all ye ken about it. Commend meto a safe employment, and a profitable. They may give others a nick, anddraw blood, but catch them hurting themselves. They are not exposed tocolds and rheumatics, from east winds and rainy weather; for they sit, inwhite aprons, plaiting hair into wigs for auld folks that have bell-pows, or making false curls for ladies that would fain like to look smart inthe course of nature. And then they go from house to house, likegentlemen in the morning; cracking with Maister this or Madam that, asthey soap their chins with scented-soap, or put their hair up in marchingorder either for kirk or playhouse. Then at their leisure, when they'renot thrang at home, they can pare corns to the gentry, or giveploughmen's heads the bicker-cut for a penny, and the hair into thebargain for stuffing chairs with; and between us, who knows--manyrottener ship has come to land--but that some genty Miss, fond of plays, poems, and novels, may fancy our Benjie when he is giving her red hair atwist with the torturing irons, and run away with him, almost whether hewill or not, in a stound of unbearable love!"

Here making an end of my discourse, and halting to draw breath, I lookedNanse broad in the face, as much as to say, "Contradict me if ye daur, "and, "What think ye of that now?"--The man is not worth his lugs, thatallows his wife to be maister; and being by all laws, divine and human, the head of the house, I aye made a rule of keeping my putt good. To becandid, howsoever, I must take leave to confess, that Nanse, being areasonable woman, gave me but few opportunities of exerting my authorityin this way. As in other matters, she soon came, on reflection, to seethe propriety of what I had been saying and setting forth. Besides, shehad such a motherly affection towards our bit callant, that sending himabroad would have been the death of her. 

To be sure, since these days--which, alas, and woe's me! are notyesterday now, as my grey hair and wrinkled brow but too visibly remindme--such ups and downs have taken place in the commercial world, that thebarber line has been clipped of its profits and shaved close, from apatriotic competition among its members, like all the rest. Among otherthings, hair-powder, which was used from the sweep on the lum-head to theking on the throne, is only now in fashion with the Lords of Session andvaly-deshambles; and pig-tails have been cut off from the face of theearth, root and branch. Nevertheless, as I have taken occasion to makeobservation, the foundations of the cutting and shaving line are as sureas that of the everlasting rocks; beards being likely to roughen, andheads to require polling, as long as wood grows and water runs. 

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN--"PUGGIE, PUGGIE"--A STORY WITHOUT A TAIL

The welfare of the human race and the improvement of society being mychief aim, in this record of my sayings and doings through the pilgrimageof life, I make bold at the instigation of Nanse, my worthy wife, torecord in black and white a remarkably curious thing, to which I was aneye-witness in the course of nature. I have little reluctance toconsent, not only because the affair was not a little striking initself--as the reader will soon see--but because, like AEsop's Fables, itbears a good moral at the end of it. 

Many a time have I thought of the business alluded to, which happened totake place in our fore-shop one bonny summer afternoon, when I wasselling a coallier wife, from the Marquis of Lothian's upper hill, a yardof serge at our counter-side. At the time she came in, although busiedin reading an account of one of Buonaparte's battles in the Courantnewspaper, I observed at her foot a bonny wee doggie, with a bushy blacktail, of the dancing breed--that could sit on its hind-legs like asquirrel, cast biscuit from its nose, and play a thousand other mostdiverting tricks. Well, as I was saying, I saw the woman had a pride inthe bit creature--it was just a curiosity like--and had belonged to aneighbour's son that volunteered out of the Berwickshire militia (theBirses, as they were called), into a regiment that was draughted awayinto Egypt, Malta, or the East Indies, I believe--so, it seems, the lad'sfather and mother thought much more about it, for the sake of him thatwas off and away--being to their fond eyes a remembrancer, and to theirparental hearts a sort of living keepsake. 

After bargaining about the serge--and taking two or three other things, such as a leather-cap edged with rabbit-fur for her little nevoy--a dozenof plated buttons for her goodman's new waistcoat, which was making up atBonnyrig by Nicky Sharpshears, my old apprentice--and a spotted silknapkin for her own Sunday neck wear--I tied up the soft articles withgrey paper and skinie, and was handing over the odd bawbees of change, when, just as she was lifting the leather-cap from the counter, she saidwith a terrible face, looking down to the ground as if she was shortsighted, "Pity me! what's that"?

I could not imagine, gleg as I generally am, what had happened; so cameround about the far end of the counter, with my spectacles on, to seewhat it was, when, lo and behold! I perceived a dribbling of blood allalong the clean sanded floor, up and down, as if somebody had beenwalking about with a cut finger; but, after looking around us for alittle, we soon found out the thief--and that we did. 

The bit doggie was sitting cowering and shivering, and pressing its backagainst the counter, giving every now and then a mournful whine, so weplainly saw that everything was not right. On the which, the wife, slipping a little back, snapped her finger and thumb before its nose, andcried out--"Hiskie, poor fellow!" but no--it would not do. She thentried it by its own name, and bade it rise, saying, "Puggie, Puggie!"when--would ever mortal man of woman born believe it?--its bit black, bushy, curly tail, was off by the rump--docked and away, as if it hadbeen for a wager. 

"Eh, megstie!" cried the woman, laying down the leather-cap and thetied-up parcel, and holding out both her hands in astonishment. "Eh, mygoodness, what's come o' the brute's tail? Lovyding! just see, it'sclean gane! Losh keep me! that's awfu'! Div ye keep rotten-fa's aboutyour premises, Maister Wauch? See, a bonny business as ever happened inthe days of ane's lifetime!"

As a furnishing tailor, as a Christian, and as an inhabitant of Dalkeith, my corruption was raised--was up like a flash of lightning, or a cat'sback. Such doings in an enlightened age and a civilized country!--in atown where we have three kirks, a grammar school, a subscription library, a ladies' benevolent society, a mechanics' institution, and a debatingclub! My heart burned within me like dry tow; and I could mostly havejumped up to the ceiling with vexation and anger--seeing as plain as apikestaff, though the simple woman did not, that it was the handiwork ofnone other than our neighbour Reuben Cursecowl, the butcher. Dog on it, it was too bad--it was a rascally transaction; so, come of it what would, I could not find it in my heart to screen him. "I'll wager, however, "said I, in a kind of off-hand way, not wishing exactly, ye observe, to beseen in the business, "that it will have been running away withbeef-steaks, mutton-chops, sheep feet, or something else out of thebooth; and some of his prentice laddies may have come across itshind-quarters accidentally with the cleaver. "

"Mistake here, or mistake there, " said the woman, her face growing as redas the sleeve of a soldier's jacket, and her two eyes burning like livecoals--"'Od the butcher, but I'll butcher him, the nasty, ugly, ill-faured vagabond; the thief-like, cruel, malicious, ill-hearted, down-looking blackguard! He would go for to offer for to presume for todare to lay hands on an honest man's son's doug! It sets him weel, thebloodthirsty Gehazi, the halinshaker ne'er-do-weel! I'll gie him sic aredding up as he never had since the day his mother boor him!" Thenlooting down to the poor bit beast, that was bleeding like a sheep--"Ay, Puggie, man, " she said in a doleful voice, "they've made ye an uncofright; but I'll gie them up their fit for't; I'll show them, in a coupleof hurries, that they have catched a Tartar!"--and with that out went thewoman, paper-parcel, leather-cap and all, randying like a tinkler fromYetholm; the wee wretchie cowering behind her, with the mouse-wabssticking on the place I had put them to stop the bleeding; and looking, by all the world, like a sight I once saw, when I was a boy, on a visitto my father's half-cousin, Aunt Heatherwig, on the Castle-hill ofEdinburgh--to wit, a thief going down Leith Walk, on his road to beshipped for transportation to Botany Bay, after having been pelted for acouple of hours with rotten eggs in the pillory. 

Knowing the nature of the parties concerned, and that intimately on bothsides, I jealoused directly that there would be a stramash; so notliking, for sundry reasons, to have my nebseen in the business, I shut tothe door, and drew the long bolt; while I hastened ben to the room, and, softly pulling up a jink of the window clapped the side of my head to it;that, unobserved, I might have an opportunity of overhearing theconversation between Reuben Cursecowl and the coallier wife; which, weel-a-wat, was likely to become public property. 

"Hollo! you man, de ye ken onything about that?" cried the randywoman;--but wait a moment, till I give a skiff of description of ourneighbour Reuben. 

By this time--it was ten years after James Batter's tragedy--Mr Cursecowlwas an oldish man--he is gathered to his fathers now--and wasconsiderably past his best, as his wife, douce, honest woman, used toobserve. His dress was a little in the Pagan style, and rendered himkenspeckle to the eye of observation. Instead of a hat, he generallywore a long red Kilmarnock nightcap, with a cherry on the top of it, through foul weather and fair; and having a kind of trot in his walk, from a bink forward in his knees, it dang-dangled behind him, like thecap of Mr Merry-man with the painted face, the showfolk's fool. On theafternoon alluded to, he was in full killing-dress, having on an auldblue short coatie, once long, but now docked in the tails, so that thepocket-flaps and hainch buttons were not above three inches from theplace where his wife had snibbed it across by; and, from long use in hisblood-thirsty occupation, his sleeves flashed in the daylight as if theyhad been double japanned. Tied round his beer-barrel-like waist was astripped apron, blue and white; and at his left side hung a bloody gapingleather pouch, as if he had been an Israelite returned from the slaughterof the Philistines, filled with steels and knives, straight and crooked, that had done ample execution in their day I'll warrant them. Up histhighs were rolled his coarse rig-and-fur stockings, as if it were togird him for the battle, and his feet were slipped into a pair ofbauchles--that is, the under part of auld boots cut from the legs. As tohis face, lo, and behold! the moon shining in the Nor-west--yea, the sunblazing in his glory--had not a more crimson aspect than Reuben. Likethe pig-eyed Chinese folk on tea-cups, his peepers were diminutive andtwinkling; but his nose made up for them--and that it did--being portlyin all its dimensions broad and long, as to colour, liker a radish thanany other production in nature. In short, he was as bonny a figure asever man of woman born clapped eye on; and was cleaving away mostdevoutly, at a side of black-faced mutton, when the woman, as I saidbefore, cried out, "Hollo! you man, do ye ken onything about that?"pointing to the dumb animal that crawled and crouched behind her. 

"Aweel, what o't?" cried Cursecowl, still hacking and cleaving away atthe meat. 

"What o't? i' faith, billy, that's a gude ane, " answered the wife. "Butye'll no get aff that way; catch me, my man. My name's no JennyMathieson an I haena ye afore your betters. I'll learn ye whatsoommenses are. "

Looking at her with a look of lightning for a couple of seconds--"Aff wi'ye, gin you're wise, " quo' Cursecowl, still cleaving away--"or I'll maybebring ye in for the sheep's-head it was trying to make off with itsteeth. Do ye understand that?" And he gave a girn, that stretched hismouth from ear to ear. 

This was too much for the subterranean daughter of Eve; it was likeputting a red-hot poker among the coals of her own pit. "Oh, yeincarnate cannibal!" she bawled out, doubling her nieve, and shaking itin Reuben's face; "if ye have a conscience at a', think black-burningshame o' yoursell! Just look, ye bluidy salvage; just take a look there, my bonny man, o' your handiwark now. Isn't that very pretty?"--"Aff wi'ye, " continued Cursecowl, still cleaving away with the chopping-axe, andmuttering a volley of curses through the knife, which he held between histeeth--"Aff wi' ye; and keep a calm sough. "

"The dog's no mine, or I wadna have cared sae muckle. Siccan a likebeast! Siccan a fright to be seen!!! I'faith I think shame to tak' ithame again!! Ay, man, ye're a pretty fellow! Ye've run fast when thenoses were dealing; ye're a bonny man to hack off the poor dumb animal'stail. If it had been a Christian like yoursell, it wad have matteredless--but a puir bit dumb harmless animal!"

"Aff wi' ye there, and nane o' your chatter, " thundered Reuben, stoppingin his cleaving, and turning the side of his red face round to the woman. "Flee--vanish--and be cursed to ye--baith you and your doug thegither, yeinfernal limmer! It's well for't, luckie, it was not his head instead ofits tail. Ye had better steik your gab--cut your stick--and pack off, gin ye be wise. "

"Think shame--think shame--think black-burning shame o' yoursell, ye bornand bred ruffian!" roared out the wife at the top story of hervoice--shaking her doubled nieve before him--stamping her heels on thecausey--then, drawing herself up, and holding her hands on herhainches--"Just look, I tell ye, you unhanged blackguard, at yourprecious handywark! Just look, what think ye of that now? Tak' anotherlook now, ower that fief-like fiery nose o' yours, ye regardless Pagan!"

Flesh and blood could stand this no longer; and I saw Cursecowl's angerboiling up within him, as in a red-hot fiery furnace. 

"Wait a wee, my woman, " muttered Cursecowl to himself, as, swearingbetween his teeth, he hurried into the killing-booth. 

Furious as the woman, however, was, she had yet enough of common senseremaining within her to dread skaith; so, apprehending the burstingstorm, she had just taken to her heels, when out he came, rampaugingafter her like a Greenland bear, with a large liver in each hand;--theone of which, after describing a circle round his head, flashed after herlike lightning, and hearted her between the shoulders like a clap ofthunder; while the other, as he was repeating the volley, slippingsideways from his fingers while he was driving it with all his force, played drive directly through the window where I was standing, and gaveme such a yerk on the side of the head, that it could be compared tonothing else but the lines written on the stucco image of Shakspeare, thegreat playactor, on our parlour chimneypiece, "The great globe itself, Yea, all that it inherits, shall dissolve;"

and I lay speechless on the floor for goodness knows the length of time. Even when I came to my recollection, it was partly to a sense of torment;for Nanse, coming into the room, and not knowing the cause of mydisastrous overthrow, attributed it all to a fit of the apoplexy; and, inher frenzy of affliction, had blistered all my nose with her Sundayscent-bottle of aromatic vinegar. 

For some weeks after there was a bumming in my ears, as if all thebee-skeps on the banks of the Esk had been pent up within my head; andthough Reuben Cursecowl paid, like a gentleman, for the four panes he hadbroken, he drove into me, I can assure him, in a most forcible andstriking manner, the truth of the old proverb--which is the moral of thischapter that "listeners seldom hear anything to their own advantage. "

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT--MANSIE WAUCH ON SOME SERIOUS MUSINGS

After consultation with friends, and much serious consideration on such amomentous subject, it having been finally settled on between the wife andmyself to educate Benjie to the barber and haircutting line, we lookedround about us in the world for a suitable master to whom we mightentrust our dear laddie, he having now finished his education, andreached his fourteenth year. 

It was visible in a twinkling to us both, that his apprenticeship couldnot be gone through with at home in that first-rate style which wouldenable him to reach the top of the tree in his profession; yet it gave usa sore heart to think of sending away, at so tender an age, one who wasso dear to his mother and me, and whom we had, as it were, in a mannermade a pet of; so we reckoned it best to article him for a twelvemonthwith Ebenezer Packwood at the corner, before finally sending him off toEdinburgh, to get his finishing in the wig, false-curl, and hair-bakingdepartment, under Urquhart, Maclachlan, or Connal. Accordingly, I sentfor Eben to come and eat an egg with me--matters were entered upon andarranged--Benjie was sent on trial; and though at first he funked andfought refractory, he came, to the astonishment of his master and the oldapprentice, in less than no time to cut hair without many visibleshear-marks; and, within the first quarter, succeeded, without so much asdrawing blood, to unbristle for a wager of his master's, the Saturdaynight's countenance of Daniel Shoebrush himself, who was as rough as abadger. 

Having thus done for Benjie, it now behoved me to have an eye towardsmyself; for, having turned the corner of manhood, I found that I wasbeginning to be wearing away down the hillside of life. Customers, whohad as much faith in me as almost in their Bible with regard toeverything connected with my own department, and who could depend ontheir cloth being cut according to the newest and most approved fashions, began now and then to return a coat upon my hand for alteration, as beingquite out of date; while my daily work, to which in the days of otheryears I had got up blythe as the lark, instead of being a pleasure, cameto be looked forward to with trouble and anxiety, weighing on my heart asa care, and on my shoulders as a burden. 

Finding but too severely that such was the case, and that there is nocontending with the course of nature, I took sweet counsel together withJames Batter over a cup of tea and a cookie, concerning what it was bestfor a man placed in my circumstances to betake myself to. 

As industry ever has its own reward, let me without brag or boasting beallowed to state, that in my own case, it did not disappoint myexertions. I had sat down a tenant, and I was now not only the landlordof my own house and shop, but of all the back tenements to the head ofthe garden, as also of the row of one-story houses behind, facing to theloan, in the centre of which Lucky Thamson keeps up the sign of theTankard and Tappit Hen. It was also a relief to my mind, as the head ofmy family, that we had cut Benjie loose from his mother's apron string, poor fellow, and set him adrift in an honest way of doing to buffet thestormy ocean of life; so, everything considered, it was found that enoughand to spare had been laid past by Nanse and me to spend the evening ofour days by the lound dykeside of domestic comfort. 

In Tammy Bodkin, to whom I trust I had been a dutiful, as I know I was anhonoured master, I found a faithful journeyman, he having served me inthat capacity for nine years; so, it is not miraculous, being constantly, during that period, under my attentive eye, that he was now quite adeacon in all the departments of the business. As an eident scholar hehad his reward; for customers, especially during the latter years, whenmy sight was scarcely so good, came at length to be not very scrupulousas to whether their cloth was cut by the man or his master. Never letfilial piety be overlooked:--when I first patronized Tammie, and promotedhim to the dignity of sitting crosslegged along with me on theworking-board, he was a hatless and shoeless ragamuffin, the orphan ladof a widowed mother, whose husband had been killed by a chain-shot, whichcarried off his head, at the bloody battle of the Nile, under LordNelson. Tammie was the oldest of four, and the other three were lasses, that knew not in the morning where the day's providing was to come from, except by trust in Him who sent the ravens to Elijah. By allowing Tammiea trifle for board-wages, I was enabled to add my mite to the comforts ofthe family; for he was kind, frugal, and dutiful, and would willinglyshare with them to the last morsel. In the course of a few years hebecame his mother's bread-winner, the lasses being sent to service, Imyself having recommended one of them to Deacon Burlings, and another toSpringheel the dancing-master; retaining Katie, the youngest, forourselves, to manage the kitchen, and go messages when required. 

 [Picture: The lazy corner, Dalkeith]

Providence having thus blessed Tammie's efforts in the paths ofindustrious sobriety, what could I do better--James Batter being exactlyof the same opinion--than make him my successor; giving him the shop at acheap rent, the stock in trade at a moderate valuation, and the good-willof the business as a gratis gift. 

Having recommended Tammie to public patronage and support, he is now, asall the world knows, a thriving man; nor, from Berwick Bridge to JohnnyGroat's, is it in the power of any gentleman to have his coat cut in amore fashionable way, or on more moderate terms, than at the sign of theGoose and the Pair of Shears rampant. 

Leaving Tammie to take care of his own matters, as he is well able to do, allow me to observe, that it is curious how habit becomes a secondnature, and how the breaking in upon the ways we have been long and longaccustomed to, through the days of the years that are past, is as thecutting asunder of the joints and marrow. This I found bitterly, eventhough I had the prospect before me of spending my old age in peace andplenty. I could not think of leaving my auld house--every room, everynook in it was familiar to my heart. The garden trees seemed to wavetheir branches sorrowfully over my head, as bidding me a farewell; andwhen I saw all the scraighing hens catched out of the hen-house I hadtwenty years before built and tiled with my own hands, and tumbled into asack, to be carried on limping Jock Dalgleish's back up to our new abodeat Lugton, my heart swelled to my mouth, and the mist of gushing tearsbedimmed my eyesight. Four of Thomas Burlings' flour carts stood ladenbefore the door with our furniture, on the top of which were three ofNanse's grand geraniums in flower-pots, with five of my walking-stickstied together with a string; and as I paced through the empty rooms, where I had passed so many pleasant and happy hours, the sound of my feeton the bare floor seemed in my ears like an echo from the grave. On ourroad to Lugton I could scarcely muster common sense to answer a personwho wished us a good-day; and Nanse, as we daundered on arm-in-arm, neveronce took her napkin from her een. Oh, but it was a weary business!

Being in this sober frame of mind, allow me to wind up this chapter--thelast catastrophe of my eventful life that I mean at present to makepublic--with a few serious reflections; as it fears me, that, in much ofwhat I have set down, ill-natured people may see a good deal scarcelyconsistent with my character for douceness and circumspection; but ifmany wonderfuls have befallen to my share, it would be well to rememberthat a man's lot is not of his own making. Musing within myself on thechances and changes of time, the uncertainties of life, the frail threadby which we are tacked to this world, and how the place that now knows usshall soon know us no more, I could not help, for two or three daysprevious to my quitting my dear old house and shop, taking my stick intomy hand, and wandering about all my old haunts and houffs--and need Imention that among these were the road down to the Duke's south gate withthe deers on it, the waterside by Woodburn, the Cow-brigg, up the backstreet, through the flesh-market, and over to the auld kirk in among theheadstones? For three walks, on three different days, I set out indifferent directions; yet, strange to say! I aye landed in thekirkyard:--and where is the man of woman born proud enough to brag, thatit shall not be his fate to land there at last?

Headstones and headstones around me! some newly put up, and others mossyand grey; it was a humbling yet an edifying sight, preaching, as forciblyas ever Maister Wiggie did in his best days, of the vanity and thepassingness of all human enjoyments. Mouldered to dust beneath the tuftslay the blithe laddies with whom I have a hundred times played merrygames on moonlight nights; some were soon cut off; others grew up totheir full estate; and there stood I, a greyhaired man, among the weedsand nettles, mourning over times never to return!

The reader will no doubt be anxious to hear a few words regarding my sonBenjie, who has turned out just as his friends and the world expected. After his time with Ebenezer Packwood in Dalkeith, he served for fouryears in Edinburgh, where he cut a distinguished figure, having shavedand shorn lots of the nobility and gentry; among whom was a FrenchDuchess, and many other foreigners of distinction. In short, nothingwent down at the principal hotels but the expertness of Mr BenjaminWauch; and, had he been so disposed, he could have commenced on his ownfooting with every chance of success; but knowing himself fully young, and being anxious to see more of the world before settling, he took out apassage in one of the Leith smacks, and set sail for London, where hearrived, after a safe and prosperous voyage, without a hair of his headinjured. The only thing I am ashamed to let out about him is, that he isnow, and has been for some time past, principal shopman in a WallflowerHair-powder and Genuine Macassar Oil Warehouse, kept by three Frenchmen, called Moosies Peroukey. 

But, though our natural enemies, he writes me that he has found themagreeable and chatty masters, full of good manners and pleasantdiscourse, first-rate in their articles, and, except in their language, almost Christians. 

I aye thought Benjie was a genius; and he is beginning to show himselfhis father's son, being in thoughts of taking out a patent for makinghair-oil from rancid butter. If he succeeds it will make the callant'sfortune. But he must not marry Madamoselle Peroukey without my especialconsent, as Nanse says, that her having a French woman for herdaughter-in-law would be the death of her. 

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE--CONCLUSION

On first commencing this memoir of my life, I put pen to paper with thelaudable view of handing down to posterity--to our children, and to theirchildren's children--the accidents, adventures, and mischances that mayfall to the lot of a man placed by Providence even in the loundestsituation of life, where he seemed to lie sheltered in the bield of peaceand privacy;--and, at that time, it was my intention to have carried downmy various transactions to this dividual day and date. My materials, however, have swelled on my hand like summer corn under sunny showers;one thing has brought another to remembrance; sowds of bypast marvelshave come before my mind's eye in the silent watches of the night, concerning the days when I sat working crosslegged on the board; and if Ido not stop at this critical juncture--to wit, my retiring from trade, and the settlement of my dear and only son Benjie in an honourable way ofdoing; as who dares to deny that the barber and hair-cutting line is asafe and honourable employment?--I do not know when I might get to theend of my tether; and the interest which every reasonable man must takein the extraordinary adventures of my early years, might be grievouslymarred and broken in upon through the garrulity of old age. 

Perhaps I am going a little too far when I say, that the whole worldcannot fail to be interested in the occurrences of my life; for since itscreation, which was not yesterday, I do not believe--and James Batter isexactly of the same mind--that there ever was a subject concerning whichthe bulk of mankind have not had two opinions. Knowing this to be thecase, I would be a great gomeril to expect that I should be the onlywhite swan that ever appeared; and that all parties in church and state, who are for cutting each other's throats on every other great question, should be unanimous only in what regards me. Englishmen, for instance, will say that I am a bad speller, and that my language is kittle; andsuch of the Irishers as can read, will be threaping that I have abusedtheir precious country; but, my certie, instead of blaming me for lettingout what I could not deny, they must just learn to behave themselvesbetter when they come to see us, or bide at home. 

Being by nature a Scotsman--being, I say, of the blood of Robert Bruceand Sir William Wallace--and having in my day and generation buckled onmy sword to keep the battle from our gates in the hour of danger, illwould it become me to speak but the plain truth, the whole truth, andanything but the truth. No; although bred to a peaceable occupation, Iam the subject of a free king and constitution; and, if I have written asI speak, I have just spoken as I thought. The man of learning, that kensno language saving Greek, and Gaelic, and Hebrew, will doubtless laugh atthe curiosity of my dialect; but I would just recommend him, as he is aphilosopher, to consider for a wee, that there are other things, inmortal life and in human nature, worth a moment's consideration besidesold Pagan heathens-pot-hooks and hangers--the asses' bridge and the wearywalls of Troy; which last city, for all that has been said and sung aboutit, would be found, I would stake my life upon it, could it be seen atthis moment, not worth half a thought when compared with the New Town ofEdinburgh. Of all towns in the world, however, Dalkeith for my money. If the ignorant are dumfoundered at one of their own kidney--a tailorladdie, that got the feck of his small education leathered into him atDominie Threshem's school--thinking himself an author, I would justremind them that seeing is believing; and that they should keep up a goodheart, as it is impossible to say what may yet be their own fortunebefore they die. The rich man's apology I would beg; if in this humblenarrative, this detail of manners almost hidden from the sphere of hisobservation, I have in any instance tramped on the tender toes of goodbreeding, or given just offence in breadth of expression, or vulgarity oflanguage. Let this, however, be my apology, that the only value of mywonderful history consists in its being as true as death--a circumstancewhich it could have slender pretensions to, had I coined stories, orcoloured them so as to please my own fancy and that of the world. Inthat case it would have been very easy for me to have made a Sinbad theSailor tale out of it--to have shown myself up a man such as the worldhas never seen except on paper--to have made Cursecowl behave like agentleman, and the Frenchman from Penicuik crack like a Christian. Andto the poor man, him whom the wise Disposer of all events has seen fit toplace in a situation similar to that in which I have been placed, ordaining him to earn daily bread by the labour of his hands and thesweat of his brow, if my adventures shall afford an hour or two'spleasant amusement, when, after working hours, he sits by his bleezingingle with a bairn on each knee, whilst his oldest daughter is sewing herseam, and his goodwife with her right foot birls round thespinning-wheel, then my purpose is gained, and more than gained; for itis my firm belief that no man, who has by head or hand, in any waylightened an ounce weight of the load of human misery, can be truly saidto have been unprofitable in his day, or disappointed the purpose of hiscreation. For what more can we do here below? The God who formed us, breathing into our nostrils the breath of life, is, in his Almighty powerand wisdom, far removed beyond the sphere of our poor and paltry offices. We are of the clay; and return to the elements from which we are formed. He is a Spirit, without beginning of days or end of years. The extent ofour limited exertions reaches no further than our belief in, and our dutytowards Him; which, in my humble opinion, can be best shown by us in ourlove and charity towards our fellow-creatures--the master-work of hishands. 

I would not willingly close this record of my life, without expressing afew words of heartfelt gratitude towards the multitude from whom, in theintercourse of the world, I have experienced good offices; and towardsthe few who, in the hour of my trials and adversities, remained withfaces towards me steadfast and unalterable, scorning the fickle whoscoffed, and the Levite who passed by on the other side. Of old hath itbeen said, that a true friend is the medicine of life; and in the day ofdarkness, when my heart was breaking, and the world with all its concernsseemed shaded in a gloom never to pass away, how deeply have Iacknowledged the truth of the maxim! How shall I repay such kindness?Alas! it is out of my power. But all I can do, I do. I think of it onmy pillow at the silent hour of midnight; my heart burns with thegratitude it hath not--may never have an opportunity of showing to theworld; and I put up my prayer in faith to Him who seeth in secret, thathe may bless and reward them openly. 

Sorrows and pleasures are inseparably mixed up in the cup set for man'sdrinking; and the sunniest day hath its cloud. But I have made thisobservation, that if true happiness, or any thing like true happiness, isto be found in this world, it is only to be purchased by the practice ofvirtue. Things will fall out--so it hath been ordained in this scene oftrial--even to the best and purest of heart, which must carry sorrow tothe bosom, and bring tears to the eyelids; and then to the wayward andthe wicked, bitter is their misery as the waters of Marah. But never canthe good man be wholly unhappy; he has that within which passeth show;the anchor of his faith is fixed on the Rock of Ages; and when the darkcloud hath glided over--and it will glide--it leaves behind it the blueand unclouded heaven. 

If, concerning religious matters, a tone of levity at any time seems toinfect these pages, I cry ye mercy; for nothing was further from myintention; yet, though acknowledging this, I maintain that it is a vainthing to look on religion as on a winter night, full of terror, anddarkness, and storms. No one, it strikes me, errs more widely than hewho supposes that man was made to mourn--that the sanctity of the heartis shown by the length of the face--and that mirth, the pleasant mirth ofinnocent hearts, is sinful in the sight of Heaven. I will never believethat. The very sun may appear dim to such folks as choose only to lookat him through green spectacles; as by the poor wretch who is dwining inthe jaundice, the driven snow could be sworn to as a bright yellow. Suchopinions, however, lie between man and his Maker, and are not for thelike of us to judge of. For myself, I have enjoyed a pleasant run ofgood health through life, reading my Bible more in hope than fear; oursalvation, and not our destruction, being I should suppose its purpose. So, when I behold bright suns and blue skies, the trees in blossom, andbirds on the wing, the waters singing to the woods, and earth lookinglike the abode of them who were at first formed but a little lower thanthe angels, I trust that the overflowing of a grateful heart will not bereckoned against me for unrighteousness. 

Footnotes:

{175} See Dr Jamieson. --P. D.