[NOTE: There is a short list of bookmarks, or pointers, at the end of thefile for those who may wish to sample the author's ideas before making anentire meal of them. D. W. ] THE CONFESSIONS OF HARRY LORREQUER, Volume 2 [By Charles James Lever (1806-1872)] Dublin MDCCCXXXIX. Volume 2. (Chapters XI. To XVII. ) Contents: CHAPTER XICheltenham--Matrimonial Adventure--Showing how to make love for a friend CHAPTER XIIDublin--Tom O'Flaherty--A Reminiscence of the Peninsula CHAPTER XIIIDublin--The Boarding-house--Select Society CHAPTER XIVThe Chase CHAPTER XVMems Of the North Cork CHAPTER XVITheatricals CHAPTER XVI* (As here the chapter number is repeated in the print copy. )The Wager CHAPTER XVIIThe Elopement CHAPTER XI. CHELTENHAM--MATRIMONIAL ADVENTURE--SHOWING HOW TO MAKE LOVE FOR A FRIEND. It was a cold raw evening in February as I sat in the coffee-room of theOld Plough in Cheltenham, "Lucullus c. Lucullo"--no companion save myhalf-finished decanter of port. I had drawn my chair to the corner ofthe ample fire-place, and in a half dreamy state was reviewing theincidents of my early life, and like most men who, however young, havestill to lament talents misapplied, opportunities neglected, profitlesslabour, and disastrous idleness. The dreary aspect of the large andill-lighted room--the close-curtained boxes--the unsocial look of everything and body about suited the habit of my soul, and I was on the vergeof becoming excessively sentimental--the unbroken silence, where severalpeople were present, had also its effect upon me, and I felt oppressedand dejected. So sat I for an hour; the clock over the mantel tickedsharply on--the old man in the brown surtout had turned in his chair, and now snored louder--the gentleman who read the Times had got theChronicle, and I thought I saw him nodding over the advertisements. The father who, with a raw son of about nineteen, had dined at six, sat still and motionless opposite his offspring, and only breaking thesilence around by the grating of the decanter as he posted it across thetable. The only thing denoting active existence was a little, shrivelledman, who, with spectacles on his forehead, and hotel slippers on hisfeet, rapidly walked up and down, occasionally stopping at his table tosip a little weak-looking negus, which was his moderate potation for twohours. I have been particular in chronicling these few and apparentlytrivial circumstances, for by what mere trifles are our greatest andmost important movements induced--had the near wheeler of the Umpirebeen only safe on his fore legs, and while I write this I might--but letme continue. The gloom and melancholy which beset me, momentarilyincreased. But three months before, and my prospects presented everything that was fairest and brightest--now all the future was dark anddismal. Then my best friends could scarcely avoid envy at my fortune--now my reverses might almost excite compassion even in an enemy. Itwas singular enough, and I should not like to acknowledge it, were notthese Confessions in their very nature intended to disclose the verypenetralia of my heart; but singular it certainly was--and so I havealways felt it since, when reflecting on it--that although much andwarmly attached to Lady Jane Callonby, and feeling most acutely what Imust call her abandonment of me, yet, the most constantly recurring ideaof my mind on the subject was, what will the mess say--what will theythink at head-quarters?--the raillery, the jesting, the half-concealedallusion, the tone of assumed compassion, which all awaited me, as eachof my comrades took up his line of behaving towards me, was, after all, the most difficult thing to be borne, and I absolutely dreaded to joinmy regiment, more thoroughly than did ever schoolboy to return to hislabour on the expiration of his holidays. I had framed to myself allmanner of ways of avoiding this dread event; sometimes I meditated anexchange into an African corps--sometimes to leave the army altogether. However, I turned the affair over in my mind--innumerable difficultiespresented themselves, and I was at last reduced to that stand-stillpoint, in which, after continual vacillation, one only waits for theslightest impulse of persuasion from another, to adopt any, no matterwhat suggestion. In this enviable frame of mind I sat sipping my wine, and watching the clock for that hour at which, with a safe conscience, Imight retire to my bed, when the waiter roused me by demanding if myname was Mr. Lorrequer, for that a gentleman having seen my card in thebar, had been making inquiry for the owner of it all through the hotel. "Yes, " said I, "such is my name; but I am not acquainted with any onehere, that I can remember. " "The gentleman has ony arrived an hour since by the London mail, sir, andhere he is. " At this moment, a tall, dashing-looking, half-swaggering fellow, in avery sufficient envelope of box-coats, entered the coffee-room, andunwinding a shawl from his throat, showed me the honest and manlycountenance of my friend Jack Waller, of the __th dragoons, with whom Ihad served in the Peninsula. Five minutes sufficed for Jack to tell me that he was come down on a boldspeculation at this unseasonable time for Cheltenham; that he was quitesure his fortune was about to be made in a few weeks at farthest, andwhat seemed nearly as engrossing a topic--that he was perfectly famished, and desired a hot supper, "de suite. " Jack having despatched this agreeable meal with a traveller's appetite, proceeded to unfold his plans to me as follows: There resided somewhere near Cheltenham, in what direction he did notabsolutely know, an old East India colonel, who had returned from a longcareer of successful staff-duties and government contracts, with themoderate fortune of two hundred thousand. He possessed, in addition, ason and a daughter; the former, being a rake and a gambler, he had longsince consigned to his own devices, and to the latter he had avowed hisintention of leaving all his wealth. That she was beautiful as an angel--highly accomplished--gifted--agreeable--and all that, Jack, who hadnever seen her, was firmly convinced; that she was also bent resolutelyon marrying him, or any other gentleman whose claims were principally thewant of money, he was quite ready to swear to; and, in fact, so assureddid he feel that "the whole affair was feasible, " (I use his ownexpression, ) that he had managed a two months' leave, and was come downexpress to see, make love to, and carry her off at once. "But, " said I, with difficulty interrupting him, "how long have you knownher father?" "Known him? I never saw him. " "Well, that certainly is cool; and how do you propose making hisacquaintance. Do you intend to make him a 'particeps criminis' in theelopement of his own daughter, for a consideration to be hereafter paidout of his own money?" "Now, Harry, you've touched upon the point in which, you must confess, my genius always stood unrivalled--acknowledge, if you are not dead togratitude--acknowledge how often should you have gone supperless to bedin our bivouacs in the Peninsula, had it not been for the ingenuity ofyour humble servant--avow, that if mutton was to be had, and beef to bepurloined, within a circuit of twenty miles round, our mess certainlykept no fast days. I need not remind you of the cold morning on theretreat from Burgos, when the inexorable Lake brought five men to thehalberds for stealing turkeys, that at the same moment, I was engaged indevising an ox-tail soup, from a heifer brought to our tent in jack-bootsthe evening before, to escape detection by her foot tracks. " "True, Jack, I never questioned your Spartan talent; but this affair, time considered, does appear rather difficult. " "And if it were not, should I have ever engaged in it? No, no, Harry. Iput all proper value upon the pretty girl, with her two hundred thousandpounds pin-money. But I honestly own to you, the intrigue, the scheme, has as great charm for me as any part of the transaction. " "Well, Jack, now for the plan, then!" "The plan! oh, the plan. Why, I have several; but since I have seen you, and talked the matter over with you, I have begun to think of a new modeof opening the trenches. " "Why, I don't see how I can possibly have admitted a single new ray oflight upon the affair. " "There are you quite wrong. Just hear me out without interruption, andI'll explain. I'll first discover the locale of this worthy colonel--'Hydrabad Cottage' he calls it; good, eh?--then I shall proceed tomake a tour of the immediate vicinity, and either be taken dangerouslyill in his grounds, within ten yards of the hall-door, or be thrown frommy gig at the gate of his avenue, and fracture my skull; I don't muchcare which. Well, then, as I learn that the old gentleman is the mostkind, hospitable fellow in the world, he'll admit me at once; hisdaughter will tend my sick couch--nurse--read to me; glorious fun, Harry. I'll make fierce love to her; and now, the only point to bedecided is whether, having partaken of the colonel's hospitality sofreely, I ought to carry her off, or marry her with papa's consent. You see there is much to be said for either line of proceeding. " "I certainly agree with you there; but since you seem to see your way soclearly up to that point, why, I should advise you leaving that an 'openquestion, ' as the ministers say, when they are hard pressed for anopinion. " "Well, Harry, I consent; it shall remain so. Now for your part, for Ihave not come to that. " "Mine, " said I, in amazement; "why how can I possibly have any characterassigned to me in the drama?" "I'll tell you, Harry, you shall come with me in the gig in the capacityof my valet. " "Your what?" said I, horror-struck at his impudence. "Come, no nonsense, Harry, you'll have a glorious time of it--shallchoose as becoming a livery as you like--and you'll have the whole femaleworld below stairs dying for you; and all I ask for such an opportunityvouchsafed to you is to puff me, your master, in every possible shape andform, and represent me as the finest and most liberal fellow in theworld, rolling in wealth, and only striving to get rid of it. " The unparalleled effrontery of Master Jack, in assigning to me such anoffice, absolutely left me unable to reply to him; while he continued toexpatiate upon the great field for exertion thus open to us both. Atlast it occurred to me to benefit by an anecdote of a something similararrangement, of capturing, not a young lady, but a fortified town, byretorting Jack's proposition. "Come, " said I, "I agree, with one only difference--I'll be the masterand you the man on this occasion. " To my utter confusion, and without a second's consideration, Wallergrasped my hand, and cried, "done. " Of course I laughed heartily at theutter absurdity of the whole scheme, and rallied my friend on hisprospects of Botany Bay for such an exploit; never contemplating in themost remote degree the commission of such extravagance. Upon this Jack, to use the expressive French phrase, "pris la parole, "touching with a master-like delicacy on my late defeat among theCallonbys, (which up to this instant I believed him in ignorance of;)he expatiated upon the prospect of my repairing that misfortune, andobtaining a fortune considerably larger; he cautiously abstained frommentioning the personal charms of the young lady, supposing, from mylachrymose look, that my heart had not yet recovered the shock of LadyJane's perfidy, and rather preferred to dwell upon the escape such amarriage could open to me from the mockery of the mess-table, the jestingof my brother officers, and the life-long raillery of the service, wherever the story reached. The fatal facility of my disposition, so often and so frankly chronicledin these Confessions--the openness to be led whither any one might takethe trouble to conduct me--the easy indifference to assume any characterwhich might be pressed upon me, by chance, accident, or design, assistedby my share of three flasks of champagne, induced me first to listen--then to attend to--soon after to suggest--and finally, absolutely toconcur in and agree to a proposal, which, at any other moment, I musthave regarded as downright insanity. As the clock struck two, I had justaffixed my name to an agreement, for Jack Waller had so much of method inhis madness, that, fearful of my retracting in the morning, he hadcommitted the whole to writing, which, as a specimen of Jack's legaltalents I copy from the original document now in my posession. "The Plough, Cheltenham, Tuesday night or morning, two o'clock--be the same more or less. I, Harry Lorrequer, sub. In his Majesty's __th regiment of foot, on the one part; and I, John Waller, commonly called Jack Waller, of the __th light dragoons on the other; hereby promise and agree, each for himself, and not one for the other, to the following conditions, which are hereafter subjoined, to wit, the aforesaid Jack Waller is to serve, obey, and humbly follow the aforementioned Harry Lorrequer, for the space of one month of four weeks; conducting himself in all respects, modes, ways, manners, as his, the aforesaid Lorrequer's own man, skip, valet, or saucepan --duly praising, puffing, and lauding the aforesaid Lorrequer, and in every way facilitating his success to the hand and fortune of--" "Shall we put in her name, Harry, here?" said Jack. "I think not; we'll fill it up in pencil; that looks very knowing. " "--at the end of which period, if successful in his suit, the aforesaid Harry Lorrequer is to render to the aforesaid Waller the sum of ten thousand pounds three and a half per cent. With a faithful discharge in writing for his services, as may be. If, on the other hand, and which heaven forbid, the aforesaid Lorrequer fail in obtaining the hand of _____, that he will evacuate the territory within twelve hours, and repairing to a convenient spot selected by the aforesaid Waller, then and there duly invest himself with a livery chosen by the aforesaid Waller--" "You know, each man uses his choice in this particular, " said Jack. "--and for the space of four calendar weeks, be unto the aforesaid Waller, as his skip, or valet, receiving, in the event of success, the like compensation, as aforesaid, each promising strictly to maintain the terms of this agreement, and binding, by a solemn pledge, to divest himself of every right appertaining to his former condition, for the space of time there mentioned. " We signed and sealed it formally, and finished another flask to itsperfect ratification. This done, and after a hearty shake hands, weparted and retired for the night. The first thing I saw on waking the following morning was Jack Wallerstanding beside my bed, evidently in excellent spirits with himself andall the world. "Harry, my boy, I have done it gloriously, " said he. "I only rememberedon parting with you last night, that one of the most marked features inour old colonel's character is a certain vague idea, he has somewherepicked up, that he has been at some very remote period of his history amost distinguished officer. This notion, it appears, haunts his mind, and he absolutely believes he has been in every engagement from the sevenyears war, down to the Battle of Waterloo. You cannot mention a siege hedid not lay down the first parallel for, nor a storming party where hedid not lead the forlorn hope; and there is not a regiment in theservice, from those that formed the fighting brigade of Picton, down tothe London trainbands, with which, to use his own phrase, he has notfought and bled. This mania of heroism is droll enough, when oneconsiders that the sphere of his action was necessarily so limited; butyet we have every reason to be thankful for the peculiarity, as you'llsay, when I inform you that this morning I despatched a hasty messengerto his villa, with a most polite note, setting forth that a Mr. Lorrequer--ay, Harry, all above board--there is nothing like it--'as Mr. Lorrequer, of the __th, was collecting for publication, such materials asmight serve to commemorate the distinguished achievements of Britishofficers, who have, at any time, been in command--he most respectfullyrequests an interview with Colonel Kamworth, whose distinguishedservices, on many gallant occasions, have called forth the unqualifiedapproval of his majesty's government. Mr. Lorrequer's stay isnecessarily limited to a few days, as he proceeds from this to visit LordAnglesey; and, therefore, would humbly suggest as early a meeting as maysuit Colonel K. 's convenience. ' What think you now? Is this amaster-stroke or not?" "Why, certainly, we are in for it now, " said I, drawing a deep sigh. "But Jack, what is all this? Why, you're in livery already. " I now, for the first time, perceived that Waller was arrayed in a verydecorous suit of dark grey, with cord shorts and boots, and looked a veryknowing style of servant for the side of a tilbury. "You like it, don't you? Well, I should have preferred something alittle more showy myself; but as you chose this last night, I, of course, gave way, and after all, I believe you're right, it certainly is neat. " "Did I choose it last night? I have not the slightest recollection ofit. " "Yes, you were most particular about the length of the waistcoat, and theheight of the cockade, and you see I have followed your orders tolerablyclose; and now, adieu to sweet equality for the season, and I am yourmost obedient servant for four weeks--see that you make the most of it. " While we were talking, the waiter entered with a note addressed to me, which I rightly conjectured could only come from Colonel Kamworth. Itran thus-- "Colonel Kamworth feels highly flattered by the polite attention of Mr. Lorrequer, and will esteem it a particular favour if Mr. L. Can afford him the few days his stay in this part of the country will permit, by spending them at Hydrabad Cottage. Any information as to Colonel Kamworth's services in the four quarters of the globe, he need not say, is entirely at Mr. L. 's disposal. "Colonel K. Dines at six precisely. " When Waller had read the note through, he tossed his hat up in the air, and, with something little sort of an Indian whoop, shouted out-- "The game is won already. Harry, my man, give me the check for the tenthousand: she is your own this minute. " Without participating entirely in Waller's exceeding delight, I could nothelp feeling a growing interest in the part I was advertised to perform, and began my rehearsal with more spirit than I thought I should have beenable to command. That same evening, at the same hour as that in which on the preceding Isat lone and comfortless by the coffee-room fire, I was seated opposite avery pompous, respectable-looking old man, with a large, stiff queue ofwhite hair, who pressed me repeatedly to fill my glass and pass thedecanter. The room was a small library, with handsomely fitted shelves;there were but four chairs, but each would have made at least three ofany modern one; the curtains of deep crimson cloth effectually securedthe room from draught; and the cheerful wood fire blazing on the hearth, which was the only light in the apartment, gave a most inviting look ofcomfort and snugness to every thing. This, thought I, is all excellent;and however the adventure ends, this is certainly pleasant, and I nevertasted better Madeira. "And so, Mr. Lorrequer, you heard of my affair at Cantantrabad, when Itook the Rajah prisoner?" "Yes, " said I; "the governor-general mentioned the gallant business thevery last time I dined at Government-House. " "Ah, did he? kind of him though. Well, sir, I received two millions ofrupees on the morning after, and a promise of ten more if I would permithim to escape--but no--I refused flatly. " "Is it possible; and what did you do with the two millions?--sent them, of course--. " "No, that I didn't; the wretches know nothing of the use of money. No, no; I have them this moment in good government security. "I believe I never mentioned to you the storming of Java. Fill yourselfanother glass, and I'll describe it all to you, for it will be ofinfinite consequence that a true narrative of this meets the public eye--they really are quire ignorant of it. Here now is Fort Cornelius, andthere is the moat, the sugar-basin is the citadel, and the tongs is thefirst trench, the decanter will represent the tall tower towards thesouth-west angle, and here, the wine glass--this is me. Well, it was alittle after ten at night that I got the order from the general incommand to march upon this plate of figs, which was an open space beforeFort Cornelius, and to take up my position in front of the fort, and withfour pieces of field artillery--these walnuts here--to be ready to openmy fire at a moment's warning upon the sou-west tower; but, my dear sir, you have moved the tower; I thought you were drinking Madeira. As I saidbefore, to open my fire upon the sou-west tower, or if necessary protectthe sugar tongs, which I explained to you was the trench. Just at thesame time the besieged were making preparations for a sortie to occupythis dish of almonds and raisins--the high ground to the left of myposition--put another log on the fire, if you please, sir, for I cannotsee myself--I thought I was up near the figs, and I find myself down nearthe half moon. " "It is past nine, " said a servant entering the room; "shall I take thecarriage for Miss Kamworth, sir?" This being the first time the name ofthe young lady was mentioned since my arrival, I felt somewhat anxious tohear more of her, in which laudable desire I was not however to begratified, for the colonel, feeling considerably annoyed by theinterruption, dismissed the servant by saying-- "What do you mean, sirrah, by coming in at this moment; don't you see Iam preparing for the attack on the half moon? Mr. Lorrequer, I beg yourpardon for one moment, this fellow has completely put me out; andbesides, I perceive, you have eaten the flying artillery, and in fact, mydear sir, I shall be obliged to lay down the position again. " With this praiseworthy interest the colonel proceeded to arrange the"materiel" of our dessert in battle array, when the door was suddenlythrown open, and a very handsome girl, in a most becoming demi toilette, sprung into the room, and either not noticing, or not caring, that astranger was present, threw herself into the old gentleman's arms, with adegree of empressement, exceedingly vexatious for any third andunoccupied party to witness. "Mary, my dear, " said the colonel, completely forgetting Java and FortCornelius at once, "you don't perceive I have a gentleman to introduce toyou, Mr. Lorrequer, my daughter, Miss Kamworth, " here the young ladycourtesied somewhat stiffly, and I bowed reverently; and we all resumedplaces. I now found out that Miss Kamworth had been spending thepreceding four or five days at a friend's in the neighbourhood; and hadpreferred coming home somewhat unexpectedly, to waiting for her owncarriage. My confessions, if recorded verbatim, from the notes of that four weeks'sojourn, would only increase the already too prolix and uninterestingdetails of this chapter in my life; I need only say, that without fallingin love with Mary Kamworth, I felt prodigiously disposed thereto; she wasextremely pretty; had a foot and ancle to swear by, the most silverytoned voice I almost ever heard, and a certain witchery and archness ofmanner that by its very tantalizing uncertainty continually provokedattention, and by suggesting a difficulty in the road to success, imparted a more than common zest in the pursuit. She was little, a verylittle blue, rather a dabbler in the "ologies, " than a real disciple. Yet she made collections of minerals, and brown beetles, andcryptogamias, and various other homeopathic doses of the creation, infinitessimally small in their subdivision; in none of which I felt anyinterest, save in the excuse they gave for accompanying her in herpony-phaeton. This was, however, a rare pleasure, for every morning forat least three or four hours I was obliged to sit opposite the colonel, engaged in the compilation of that narrative of his "res gestae, " whichwas to eclipse the career of Napoleon and leave Wellington's laurels buta very faded lustre in comparison. In this agreeable occupation did Ipass the greater part of my day, listening to the insufferable prolixityof the most prolix of colonels, and at times, notwithstanding thepropinquity of relationship which awaited us, almost regretting that hewas not blown up in any of the numerous explosions his memoir aboundedwith. I may here mention, that while my literary labour was thusprogressing, the young lady continued her avocations as before--notindeed with me for her companion--but Waller; for Colonel Kamworth, "having remarked the steadiness and propriety of my man, felt no scruplein sending him out to drive Miss Kamworth, " particularly as I gave him amost excellent character for every virtue under heaven. I must hasten on. --The last evening of my four weeks was drawing to aclose. Colonel Kamworth had pressed me to prolong my visit, and I onlywaited for Waller's return from Cheltenham, whither I had sent him for myletters, to make arrangements with him to absolve me from my ridiculousbond, and accept the invitation. We were sitting round the library fire, the colonel, as usual, narrating his early deeds and hair-breadth'scapes. Mary, embroidering an indescribable something, which everyevening made its appearance but seemed never to advance, was rather inbetter spirits than usual, at the same time her manner was nervous anduncertain; and I could perceive by her frequent absence of mind, that herthoughts were not as much occupied by the siege of Java as her worthyfather believed them. Without laying any stress upon the circumstance, I must yet avow that Waller's not having returned from Cheltenham gave mesome uneasiness, and I more than once had recourse to the bell to demandif "my servant had come back yet?" At each of these times I wellremember the peculiar expression of Mary's look, the half embarrassment, half drollery, with which she listened to the question, and heard theanswer in the negative. Supper at length made its appearance; and Iasked the servant who waited, "if my man had brought me any letters, "varying my inquiry to conceal my anxiety; and again, I heard he had notreturned. Resolving now to propose in all form for Miss Kamworth thenext morning, and by referring the colonel to my uncle Sir Guy, smooth, as far as I could, all difficulties, I wished them good night andretired; not, however, before the colonel had warned me that they were tohave an excursion to some place in the neighbourhood the next day; andbegging that I might be in the breakfast-room at nine, as they were toassemble there from all parts, and start early on the expedition. I wasin a sound sleep the following morning, when a gentle tap at the doorawoke me; at the same time I recognised the voice of the colonel'sservant, saying, "Mr. Lorrequer, breakfast is waiting, sir. " I sprung up at once, and replying, "Very well, I shall come down, "proceeded to dress in all haste, but to my horror, I could not discern avestige of my clothes; nothing remained of the habiliments I possessedonly the day before--even my portmanteau had disappeared. After a mostdiligent search, I discovered on a chair in a corner of the room, a smallbundle tied up in a handkerchief, on opening which I perceived a new suitof livery of the most gaudy and showy description and lace; of whichcolour was also the coat, which had a standing collar and huge cuffs, deeply ornamented with worked button holes and large buttons. As Iturned the things over, without even a guess of what they could mean, forI was scarcely well awake, I perceived a small slip of paper fastened tothe coat sleeve, upon which, in Waller's hand-writing, the following fewwords were written: "The livery I hope will fit you, as I am rather particular about how you'll look; get quietly down to the stable-yard and drive the tilbury into Cheltenham, where wait for further orders from your kind master, "John Waller. " The horrible villany of this wild scamp actually paralysed me. That Ishould put on such ridiculous trumpery was out of the question; yet whatwas to be done? I rung the bell violently; "Where are my clothes, Thomas?" "Don't know, sir; I was out all the morning, sir, and never seed them. " "There, Thomas, be smart now and send them up, will you?" Thomasdisappeared, and speedily returned to say, "that my clothes could not befound any where; no one knew any thing of them, and begged me to comedown, as Miss Kamworth desired him to say that they were still waiting, and she begged Mr. Lorrequer would not make an elaborate toilette, asthey were going on a country excursion. " An elaborate toilette! I wishto heaven she saw my costume; no, I'll never do it. "Thomas, you musttell the ladies and the colonel, too, that I feel very ill; I am not ableto leave my bed; I am subject to attacks--very violent attacks in myhead, and must always be left quiet and alone--perfectly alone--mind me, Thomas--for a day at least. " Thomas departed; and as I lay distracted inmy bed, I heard, from the breakfast room, the loud laughter of manypersons evidently enjoying some excellent joke; could it be me they werelaughing at; the thought was horrible. "Colonel Kamworth wishes to know if you'd like the doctor, sir, " saidThomas, evidently suppressing a most inveterate fit of laughing, as heagain appeared at the door. "No, certainly not, " said I, in a voice of thunder; "what the devil areyou grinning at?" "You may as well come, my man; you're found out; they all know it now, "said the fellow with an odious grin. I jumped out of the bed, and hurled the boot-jack at him with all mystrength; but had only the satisfaction to hear him go down stairschuckling at his escape; and as he reached the parlour, the increase ofmirth and the loudness of the laughter told me that he was not the onlyone who was merry at my expense. Any thing was preferable to this; downstairs I resolved to go at once--but how; a blanket I thought would notbe a bad thing, and particularly as I had said I was ill; I could atleast get as far as Colonel Kamworth's dressing-room, and explain to himthe whole affair; but then if I was detected en route, which I was almostsure to be, with so many people parading about the house. No; that wouldnever do, there was but one alternative, and dreadful, shocking as itwas, I could not avoid it, and with a heavy heart, and as muchindignation at Waller for what I could not but consider a most scurvytrick, I donned the yellow inexpressibles; next came the vest, and lastthe coat, with its broad flaps and lace excrescenses, fifty times moreabsurd and merry-andrew than any stage servant who makes off with histable and two chairs amid the hisses and gibes of an upper gallery. If my costume leaned towards the ridiculous, I resolved that my air andbearing should be more than usually austere and haughty; and withsomething of the stride of John Kemble in Coriolanus, I was leaving mybed-room, when I accidentally caught a view of myself in the glass; andso mortified, so shocked was I, that I sank into a chair, and almostabandoned my resolution to go on; the very gesture I had assumed forvindication only increased the ridicule of my appearance; and the strangequaintness of the costume totally obliterated every trace of anycharacteristic of the wearer, so infernally cunning was its contrivance. I don't think that the most saturnine martyr of gout and dyspepsia couldsurvey me without laughing. With a bold effort, I flung open my door, hurried down the stairs, and reached the hall. The first person I metwas a kind of pantry boy, a beast only lately emancipated from theplough, and destined after a dozen years' training as a servant, again tobe turned back to his old employ for incapacity; he grinned horribly fora minute, as I passed, and then in a half whisper said-- "Maester, I advise ye run for it; they're a waiting for ye with theconstables in the justice's room!" I gave him a look of contemptuoussuperiority at which he grinned the more, and passed on. Without stopping to consider where I was going, I opened the door of thebreakfast-parlour, and found myself in one plunge among a room full ofpeople. My first impulse was to retreat again; but so shocked was I, atthe very first thing that met my sight, that I was perfectly powerless todo any thing. Among a considerable number of people who stood in smallgroups round the breakfast-table, I discerned Jack Waller, habited in avery accurate black frock and dark trowsers, supporting upon his arm--shall I confess--no less a person than Mary Kamworth, who leaned on himwith the familiarity of an old acquaintance, and chatted gaily with him. The buzz of conversation which filled the apartment when I entered, ceased for a second of deep silence; and then followed a peal of laughterso long and so vociferous, that in my momentary anger I prayed some onemight burst a blood-vessel, and frighten the rest. I put on a look ofindescribable indignation, and cast a glance of what I intended should bemost withering scorn on the assembly; but alas! my infernal harlequincostume ruined the effect; and confound me, if they did not laugh thelouder. I turned from one to the other with the air of a man who marksout victims for his future wrath; but with no better success; at last, amid the continued mirth of the party, I made my way towards where Wallerstood absolutely suffocated with laughter, and scarcely able to standwithout support. "Waller, " said I, in a voice half tremulous with rage and shame together;"Waller, if this rascally trick be yours, rest assured no former term ofintimacy between us shall--" Before I could conclude the sentence, a bustle at the door of the room, called every attention in that direction; I turned and beheld ColonelKamworth, followed by a strong posse comitatus of constables, tipstaffs, &c. , armed to the teeth, and evidently prepared for vigorous battle. Before I was able to point out my woes to my kind host, he burst outwith-- "So you scoundrel, you impostor, you damned young villain, pretending tobe a gentleman, you get admission into a man's house and dine at histable, when your proper place had been behind his chair. --How far hemight have gone, heaven can tell, if that excellent young gentleman, hismaster, had not traced him here this morning--but you'll pay dearly forit, you young rascal, that you shall. " "Colonel Kamworth, " said I, drawing myself proudly up, (and I confessexciting new bursts of laughter, ) "Colonel Kamworth, for the expressionsyou have just applied to me, a heavy reckoning awaits you; not, however, before another individual now present shall atone for the insult he hasdared to pass upon me. " Colonel Kamworth's passion at this declarationknew no bounds; he cursed and swore absolutely like a madman, and vowedthat transportation for life would be a mild sentence for such iniquity. Waller at length wiping the tears of laughter from his eyes, interposedbetween the colonel and his victim, and begged that I might be forgiven;"for indeed my dear sir, " said he, "the poor fellow is of ratherrespectable parentage, and such is his taste for good society that he'drun any risk to be among his betters, although, as in the present casethe exposure brings a rather heavy retribution, however, let me deal withhim. Come, Henry, " said he, with an air of insufferable superiority, "take my tilbury into town, and wait for me at the George, I shallendeavour to make your peace with my excellent friend, Colonel Kamworth;and the best mode you can contribute to that object, is to let us have nomore of your society. " I cannot attempt to picture my rage at these words; however, escape fromthis diabolical predicament was my only present object; and I rushed fromthe room, and springing into the tilbury at the door, drove down theavenue at the rate of fifteen miles per hour, amid the united cheers, groans, and yells of the whole servants' hall, who seemed to enjoy my"detection, " even more than their betters. Meditating vengeance, sharp, short, and decisive on Waller, the colonel, and every one else in theinfernal conspiracy against me, for I utterly forgot every vestige of ouragreement in the surprise by which I was taken, I reached Cheltenham. Unfortunately I had no friend there to whose management I could committhe bearing of a message, and was obliged as soon as I could procuresuitable costume, to hasten up to Coventry where the __th dragoons werethen quartered. I lost no time in selecting an adviser, and taking thenecessary steps to bring Master Waller to a reckoning; and on the thirdmorning we again reached Cheltenham, I thirsting for vengeance, andbursting still with anger; not so, my friend, however, who never coulddiscuss the affair with common gravity, and even ventured every now andthen on a sly allusion to my yellow shorts. As we passed the lasttoll-bar, a travelling carriage came whirling by with four horses at atremendous pace; and as the morning was frosty, and the sun scarcelyrisen, the whole team were smoking and steaming so as to be halfinvisible. We both remarked on the precipitancy of the party; for as ourown pace was considerable, the two vehicles passed like lightning. Wehad scarcely dressed, and ordered breakfast, when a more than usualbustle in the yard called us to the window; the waiter who came in at thesame instant told us that four horses were ordered out to pursue a younglady who had eloped that morning with an officer. "Ah, our friend in the green travelling chariot, I'll be bound, " said mycompanion; but as neither of us knew that part of the country, and I wastoo engrossed by my own thoughts, I never inquired further. As thechaise in chase drove round to the door, I looked to see what the pursuerwas like; and as he issued from the inn, recognised my "ci devant host, "Colonel Kamworth. I need not say my vengeance was sated at once; he hadlost his daughter, and Waller was on the road to be married. Apologiesand explanations came in due time, for all my injuuries and sufferings;and I confess, the part which pleased me most was, that I saw no more ofJack for a considerable period after; he started for the continent, where he has lived ever since on a small allowance, granted by hisfather-in-law, and never paying me the stipulated sum, as I had clearlybroken the compact. So much for my second attempt at matrimony; one would suppose that suchexperience should be deemed sufficient to show that my talent did not liein that way. And here I must rest for the present, with the additionalconfession, that so strong was the memory of that vile adventure, that Irefused a lucrative appointment under Lord Anglesey's government, when Idiscovered that his livery included "yellow plush breeches;" to have such"souvenirs" flitting around and about me, at dinner and elsewhere, wouldhave left me without a pleasure in existence. CHAPTER XII. DUBLIN--TOM O'FLAHERTY--A REMINISCENCE OF THE PENINSULA. Dear, dirty Dublin--"Io te salute"--how many excellent things might besaid of thee, if, unfortunately, it did not happen that the theme is anold one, and has been much better sung than it can ever now be said. With thus much of apology for no more lengthened panegyric, let me beg ofmy reader, if he be conversant with that most moving melody--the Grovesof Blarney--to hum the following lines, which I heard shortly after mylanding, and which well express my own feelings for the "loved spot. " Oh! Dublin, sure, there is no doubtin', Beats every city upon the say. 'Tis there you'll see O'Connell spouting, And Lady Morgan making "tay. " For 'tis the capital of the greatest nation With finest peasantry on a fruitful sod, Fighting like devils for conciliation, And hating each other for the love of God. Once more, then, I found myself in the "most car-drivingest city, " enroute to join on the expiration of my leave. Since my departure, myregiment had been ordered to Kilkenny, that sweet city, so famed in songfor its "fire without smoke;" but which, were its character in any way tobe derived from its past or present representative, might certainly, withmore propriety, reverse the epithet, and read "smoke without fire. " Mylast communication from head-quarters was full of nothing but gay doings--balls, dinners, dejeunes, and more than all, private theatricals, seemed to occupy the entire attention of every man of the gallant __th. I was earnestly entreated to come, without waiting for the end of myleave--that several of my old "parts were kept open for me;" and that, infact, the "boys of Kilkenny" were on tip-toe in expectation of myarrival, as though his Majesty's mail were to convey a Kean or a Kemble. I shuddered a little as I read this, and recollected "my last appearanceon any stage, " little anticipating, at the moment, that my next was to benearly as productive of the ludicrous, as time and my confessions willshow. One circumstance, however, gave me considerable pleasure. It wasthis:--I took it for granted that, in the varied and agreeableoccupations which so pleasurable a career opened, my adventures in lovewould escape notice, and that I should avoid the merciless raillery mytwo failures, in six months, might reasonably be supposed to call forth. I therefore wrote a hurried note to Curzon, setting forth the greatinterest all their proceedings had for me, and assuring him that my stayin town should be as short as possible, for that I longed once more to"strut the monarch of the boards, " and concluded with a sly paragraph, artfully intended to act as a "paratonnere" to the gibes and jests whichI dreaded, by endeavouring to make light of my matrimonial speculations. The postscript ran somewhat thus--"Glorious fun have I had since we met;but were it not that my good angel stood by me, I should write thesehurried lines with a wife at my elbow; but luck, that never yet deserted, is still faithful to your old friend, H. Lorrequer. " My reader may suppose--for he is sufficiently behind the scenes with me--with what feelings I penned these words; yet any thing was better thanthe attack I looked forward to: and I should rather have changed into theCape Rifle Corps, or any other army of martyrs, than meet my mess withall the ridicule my late proceedings exposed me to. Having disburthenedmy conscience of this dread, I finished my breakfast, and set out on astroll through the town. I believe it is Coleridge who somewhere says, that to transmit the firstbright and early impressions of our youth, fresh and uninjured to aremote period of life, constitutes one of the loftiest prerogatives ofgenius. If this be true, and I am not disposed to dispute it--what agifted people must be the worthy inhabitants of Dublin; for I scruple notto affirm, that of all cities of which we have any record in history, sacred or profane, there is not one so little likely to disturb thetranquil current of such reminiscences. "As it was of old, so is itnow, " enjoying a delightful permanency in all its habits and customs, which no changes elsewhere disturb or affect; and in this respect I defyO'Connell and all the tail to refuse it the epithet of "Conservative. " Had the excellent Rip Van Winkle, instead of seeking his repose upon thecold and barren acclivities of the Kaatskills--as we are veritablyinformed by Irving--but betaken himself to a comfortable bed atMorrison's or the Bilton, not only would he have enjoyed a more agreeablesiesta, but, what the event showed of more consequence, the pleasingsatisfaction of not being disconcerted by novelty on his awakening. Itis possible that the waiter who brought him the water to shave, for Rip'sbeard, we are told, had grown uncommonly long--might exhibit a little ofthat wear and tear to which humanity is liable from time; but had hequestioned him as to the ruling topics--the proper amusements of the day--he would have heard, as he might have done twenty years before, thatthere was a meeting to convert Jews at the Rotunda; another to robparsons at the Corn Exchange; that the Viceroy was dining with theCorporation, and congratulating them on the prosperity of Ireland, whilethe inhabitants were regaled with a procession of the "broad ribbonweavers, " who had not weaved, heaven knows when! This, with anoccasional letter from Mr. O'Connell, and now and then a duel in the"Phaynix, " constituted the current pastimes of the city. Such, at least, were they in my day; and though far from the dear locale, an odd flittingglance at the newspapers induces me to believe that matters are not muchchanged since. I rambled through the streets for some hours, revolving such thoughts aspressed upon me involuntarily by all I saw. The same little greyhomunculus that filled my "prince's mixture" years before, stood behindthe counter at Lundy Foot's, weighing out rappee and high toast, just asI last saw him. The fat college porter, that I used to mistake in myschool-boy days for the Provost, God forgive me! was there as fat and asruddy as heretofore, and wore his Roman costume of helmet and plushbreeches, with an air as classic. The old state trumpeter at the castle, another object of my youthful veneration, poor "old God save the King" aswe used to call him, walked the streets as of old; his cheeks indeed, alittle more lanky and tendinous; but then there had been many viceregalchanges, and the "one sole melody his heart delighted in, " had been morefrequently called in requisition, as he marched in solemn state with theother antique gentlemen in tabards. As I walked along, each moment someold and early association being suggested by the objects around, I feltmy arm suddenly seized. I turned hastily round, and beheld a very oldcompanion in many a hard-fought field and merry bivouack. Tom O'Flahertyof the 8th. Poor Tom was sadly changed since we last met, which was ata ball in Madrid. He was then one of the best-looking fellows of his"style" I ever met, --tall and athletic, with the easy bearing of a man ofthe world, and a certain jauntiness that I have never seen but inIrishmen who have mixed much in society. There was also a certain peculiar devil-may-care recklessness about theself-satisfied swagger of his gait, and the free and easy glance of hissharp black eye, united with a temper that nothing could ruffle, and acourage nothing could daunt. With such qualities as these, he had beenthe prime favourite of his mess, to which he never came without somedroll story to relate, or some choice expedient for future amusement. Such had Tom once been; now he was much altered, and though the quiettwinkle of his dark eye showed that the spirit of fun within was not"dead, but only sleeping, "--to myself, who knew something of his history, it seemed almost cruel to awaken him to any thing which might bring himback to the memory of by-gone days. A momentary glance showed me that hewas no longer what he had been, and that the unfortunate change in hiscondition, the loss of all his earliest and oldest associates, and hisblighted prospects, had nearly broken a heart that never deserted afriend, nor quailed before an enemy. Poor O'Flaherty was no more thedelight of the circle he once adorned; the wit that "set the table in aroar" was all but departed. He had been dismissed the service!!--Thestory is a brief one:-- In the retreat from Burgos, the __ Light Dragoons, after a most fatiguingday's march, halted at the wretched village of Cabenas. It had beendeserted by the inhabitants the day before, who, on leaving, had set iton fire; and the blackened walls and fallen roof-trees were nearly allthat now remained to show where the little hamlet had once stood. Amid a down-pour of rain, that had fallen for several hours, drenched tothe skin, cold, weary, and nearly starving, the gallant 8th reached thismelancholy spot at nightfall, with little better prospect of protectionfrom the storm than the barren heath through which their road led mightafford them. Among the many who muttered curses, not loud but deep, onthe wretched termination to their day's suffering, there was one who keptup his usual good spirits, and not only seemed himself nearly regardlessof the privations and miseries about him, but actually succeeded inmaking the others who rode alongside as perfectly forgetful of theirannoyances and troubles as was possible under such circumstances. Goodstories, joking allusions to the more discontented ones of the party, ridiculous plans for the night's encampment, followed each other sorapidly, that the weariness of the way was forgotten; and while some werecursing their hard fate, that ever betrayed them into such misfortunes, the little group round O'Flaherty were almost convulsed with laughter atthe wit and drollery of one, over whom if the circumstances had anyinfluence, they seemed only to heighten his passion for amusement. Inthe early part of the morning he had captured a turkey, which hunggracefully from his holster on one side, while a small goat-skin ofValencia wine balanced it on the other. These good things were destinedto form a feast that evening, to which he had invited four others; thatbeing, according to his most liberal calculation, the greatest number towhom he could afford a reasonable supply of wine. When the halt was made, it took some time to arrange the dispositions forthe night; and it was nearly midnight before all the regiment had gottheir billets and were housed, even with such scanty accommodation as theplace afforded. Tom's guests had not yet arrived, and he himself wasbusily engaged in roasting the turkey before a large fire, on which stooda capacious vessel of spiced wine, when the party appeared. A verycursory "reconnaissance" through the house, one of the only onesuntouched in the village, showed that from the late rain it would beimpossible to think of sleeping in the lower story, which already showedsigns of being flooded; they therefore proceeded in a body up stairs, andwhat was their delight to find a most comfortable room, neatly furnishedwith chairs, and a table; but, above all, a large old-fashioned bed, anobject of such luxury as only an old campaigner can duly appreciate. Thecurtains were closely tucked in all round, and, in their fleeting andhurried glance, they felt no inclination to disturb them, and ratherproceeded to draw up the table before the hearth, to which they speedilyremoved the fire from below; and, ere many minutes, with that activitywhich a bivouack life invariably teaches, their supper smoked beforethem, and five happier fellows did not sit down that night within a largecircuit around. Tom was unusually great; stories of drollery unlockedbefore, poured from him unceasingly, and what with his high spirits toexcite them, and the reaction inevitable after a hard day's severe march, the party soon lost the little reason that usually sufficed to guidethem, and became as pleasantly tipsy as can well be conceived. However, all good things must have an end, and so had the wine-skin. Tom hadplaced it affectionately under his arm like a bag-pipe and failed, witheven a most energetic squeeze, to extract a drop; there was no nothingfor it but to go to rest, and indeed it seemed the most prudent thing forthe party. The bed became accordingly a subject of grave deliberation; for as itcould only hold two, and the party were five, there seemed somedifficulty in submitting their chances to lot, which all agreed was thefairest way. While this was under discussion, one of the party hadapproached the contested prize, and, taking up the curtains, proceeded tojump in--when, what was his astonishment to discover that it was alreadyoccupied. The exclamation of surprise he gave forth soon brought theothers to his side; and to their horror, drunk as they were, they foundthat the body before them was that of a dead man, arrayed in all theghastly pomp of a corpse. A little nearer inspection showed that he hadbeen a priest, probably the Padre of the village; on his head he had asmall velvet skull cap, embroidered with a cross, and his body wasswathed in a vestment, such as priests usually wear at the mass; in hishand he held a large wax taper, which appeared to have burned only halfdown, and probably been extinguished by the current of air on openingthe door. After the first brief shock which this sudden apparition hadcaused, the party recovered as much of their senses as the wine hadleft them, and proceeded to discuss what was to be done under thecircumstances; for not one of them ever contemplated giving up a bedto a dead priest, while five living men slept on the ground. After muchaltercation, O'Flaherty, who had hitherto listened without speaking, interrupted the contending parties, saying, "stop, lads, I have it. " "Come, " said one of them, "let us hear Tom's proposal. " "Oh, " said he, with difficulty steadying himself while he spoke, "we'llput him to bed with old Ridgeway, the quarter-master!" The roar of loud laughter that followed Tom's device was renewed againand again, till not a man could speak from absolute fatigue. There wasnot a dissentient voice. Old Ridgeway was hated in the corps, and abetter way of disposing of the priest and paying off the quarter-mastercould not be thought of. Very little time sufficed for their preparations; and if they had beenbrought up under the Duke of Portland himself, they could not haveexhibited a greater taste for a "black job. " The door of the room wasquickly taken from its hinges, and the priest placed upon it at fulllength; a moment more sufficed to lift the door upon their shoulders, and, preceded by Tom, who lit a candle in honour of being, as he said, "chief mourner, " they took their way through the camp towards Ridgeway'squarters. When they reached the hut where their victim lay, Tom ordereda halt, and proceeded stealthily into the house to reconnoitre. The oldquarter-master he found stretched on his sheep-skin before a large fire, the remnants of an ample supper strewed about him, and two empty bottlesstanding on the hearth--his deep snoring showed that all was safe, andthat no fears of his awaking need disturb them. His shako and sword laynear him, but his sabertasche was under his head. Tom carefully withdrewthe two former; and hastening to his friends without, proceeded todecorate the priest with them; expressing, at the same time, considerableregret that he feared it might wake Ridgeway, if he were to put thevelvet skull-cap on him for a night-cap. Noiselessly and steadily they now entered, and proceeded to put downtheir burden, which, after a moment's discussion, they agreed to placebetween the quarter-master and the fire, of which, hitherto, he hadreaped ample benefit. This done, they stealthily retreated, and hurriedback to their quarters, unable to speak with laughter at the success oftheir plot, and their anticipation of Ridgeway's rage on awakening in themorning. It was in the dim twilight of a hazy morning, that the bugler of the 8tharoused the sleeping soldiers from their miserable couches, which, wretched as they were, they, nevertheless, rose from reluctantly--sowearied and fatigued had they been by the preceding day's march; not oneamong the number felt so indisposed to stir as the worthy quarter-master;his peculiar avocations had demanded a more than usual exertion on hispart, and in the posture he had laid down at night, he rested tillmorning, without stirring a limb. Twice the reveille had rung throughthe little encampment, and twice the quarter-master had essayed to openhis eyes, but in vain; at last he made a tremendous effort, and sat boltupright on the floor, hoping that the sudden effort might sufficientlyarouse him; slowly his eyes opened, and the first thing they beheld wasthe figure of the dead priest, with a light cavalry helmet on his head, seated before him. Ridgeway, who was "bon Catholique, " trembled in everyjoint--it might be a ghost, it might be a warning, he knew not what tothink--he imagined the lips moved, and so overcome with terror was he atlast, that he absolutely shouted like a maniac, and never cased till thehut was filled with officers and men, who hearing the uproar ran to hisaid--the surprise of the poor quarter-master at the apparition, wasscarcely greater than that of the beholders--no one was able to affordany explanation of the circumstance, though all were assured that it musthave been done in jest--the door upon which the priest had been conveyed, afforded the clue--they had forgotten to restore it to its place--accordingly the different billets were examined, and at last O'Flahertywas discovered in a most commodious bed, in a large room without a door, still fast asleep, and alone; how and when he had parted from hiscompanions, he never could precisely explain, though he has sinceconfessed it was part of his scheme to lead them astray in the village, and then retire to the bed, which he had determined to appropriate to hissole use. Old Ridgeway's rage knew no bounds; he absolutely foamed with passion, and in proportion as he was laughed at his choler rose higher; had thisbeen the only result, it had been well for poor Tom, but unfortunatelythe affair got to be rumoured through the country--the inhabitants of thevillage learned the indignity with which the Padre had been treated; theyaddressed a memorial to Lord Wellington--inquiry was immediatelyinstituted--O'Flaherty was tried by court martial, and found guilty;nothing short of the heaviest punishment that could be inflicted underthe circumstances would satisfy the Spaniards, and at that precise periodit was part of our policy to conciliate their esteem by every means inour power. The commander-in-chief resolved to make what he called an"example, " and poor O'Flaherty--the life and soul of his regiment--thedarling of his mess, was broke, and pronounced incapable of ever servinghis Majesty again. Such was the event upon which my poor friend'sfortune in life seemed to hinge--he returned to Ireland, if not entirelybroken-hearted, so altered that his best friends scarcely knew him; his"occupation was gone;" the mess had been his home; his brother officerswere to him in place of relatives, and he had lost all. His after lifewas spent in rambling from one watering place to another, more with theair of one who seeks to consume than enjoy his time; and with such achange in appearance as the alteration in his fortune had effected, henow stood before me, but altogether so different a man, that but for thewell-known tones of a voice that had often convulsed me with laughter, Ishould scarcely have recognised him. "Lorrequer, my old friend, I never thought of seeing you here--this isindeed a piece of good luck. " "Why, Tom? You surely knew that the __ were in Ireland, didn't you?" "To be sure. I dined with them only a few days ago, but they told me youwere off to Paris, to marry something superlatively beautiful, and mostenormously rich, the daughter of a duke, if I remember right; but certes, they said your fortune was made, and I need not tell you, there was not aman among them better pleased that I was to hear it. " "Oh! they said so, did they? Droll dogs--always quizzing--I wonder youdid not perceive the hoax--eh--very good, was it not?" This I poured outin short broken sentences, blushing like scarlet, and fidgeting like aschool girl with downright nervousness. "A hoax! devilish well done too, "--said Tom, "for old Carden believedthe whole story, and told me that he had obtained a six months' leave foryou to make your 'com. ' and, moreover, said that he had got a letter fromthe nobleman, Lord _____ confound his name. " "Lord Grey, is it?" said I, with a sly look at Tom. "No, my dear friend, " said he drily, "it was not Lord Grey--but tocontinue--he had got a letter from him, dated from Paris, stating hissurprise that you had never joined them there, according to promise, andthat they knew your cousin Guy, and a great deal of other matter I can'tremember--so what does all this mean? Did you hoax the noble Lord aswell as the Horse Guards, Harry?" This was indeed a piece of news for me; I stammered out some ridiculousexplanation, and promised a fuller detail. Could it be that I had donethe Callonbys injustice, and that they never intended to break off myattention to Lady Jane--that she was still faithful, and that of allconcerned I alone had been to blame. Oh! how I hoped this might be thecase; heavily as my conscience might accuse, I longed ardently to forgiveand deal mercifully with myself. Tom continued to talk about indifferentmatters, as these thoughts flitted through my mind; perceiving at lastthat I did not attend, he stopped suddenly and said-- "Harry, I see clearly that something has gone wrong, and perhaps I canmake a guess at the mode too: but however, you can do nothing about itnow; come and dine with me to-day, and we'll discuss the affair togetherafter dinner; or if you prefer a 'distraction, ' as we used to say inDunkerque, why then I'll arrange something fashionable for your evening'samusement. Come, what say you to hearing Father Keogh preach, or wouldyou like a supper at the Carlingford, or perhaps you prefer a soiree chezMiladi; for all of these Dublin affords--all three good in their way, andvery intellectual. " "Well, Tom, I'm yours; but I should prefer your dining with me; I am atBilton's; we'll have our cutlet quite alone, and--" "And be heartily sick of each other, you were going to add. No, no, Harry; you must dine with me; I have some remarkably nice people topresent you to--six is the hour--sharp six--number ___ Molesworth-street, Mrs. Clanfrizzle's--easily find it--large fanlight over the door--hugelamp in the hall, and a strong odour of mutton broth for thirty yards oneach side of the premises--and as good luck would have it, I see old Dalythe counsellor, as they call him, he's the very man to get to meet you, you always liked a character, eh!" Saying this, O'Flaherty disengaged himself from my arm, and hurriedacross the street towards a portly middle-aged looking gentleman, withthe reddest face I ever beheld. After a brief but very animatedcolloquy, Tom returned, and informed that that all was right; he hadsecured Daly. "And who is Daly?" said I, inquiringly, for I was rather interested inhearing what peculiar qualification as a diner-out the counsellor mightlay claim to, many of Tom's friends being as remarkable for being thequizzed as the quizzers. "Daly, " said he, "is the brother of a most distinguished member of theIrish bar, of which he himself is also a follower, bearing however, noother resemblance to the clever man than the name, for as assuredly asthe reputation of the one is inseparably linked with success, sounerringly is the other coupled with failure, and strange to say, thatthe stupid man is fairly convinced that his brother owes all his successto him, and that to his disinterested kindness the other is indebted forhis present exalted station. Thus it is through life; there seems everto accompany dullness a sustaining power of vanity, that like alife-buoy, keeps a mass afloat whose weight unassisted would sink intoobscurity. Do you know that my friend Denis there imagines himself thefirst man that ever enlightened Sir Robert Peel as to Irish affairs; and, upon my word, his reputation on this head stands incontestably higherthan on most others. " "You surely cannot mean that Sir Robert Peel ever consulted with, muchless relied upon, the statements of such a person, as you described youfriend Denis to be?" "He did both--and if he was a little puzzled by the information, the only disgrace attaches to a government that send men to rule overus unacquainted with our habits of thinking, and utterly ignorant of thelanguage--ay, I repeat it--but come, you shall judge for yourself; thestory is a short one, and fortunately so, for I must hasten home to givetimely notice of your coming to dine with me. When the present SirRobert Peel, then Mr. Peel, came over here, as secretary to Ireland, a very distinguished political leader of the day invited a party to meethim at dinner, consisting of men of different political leanings; amongwhom were, as may be supposed, many members of the Irish bar; the elderDaly was too remarkable a person to be omitted, but as the two brothersresided together, there was a difficulty about getting him--however, hemust be had, and the only alternative that presented itself was adopted--both were invited. When the party descended to the dining-room, by one of those unfortunate accidents, which as the proverb informs usoccasionally take place in the best regulated establishments, the wrongMr. Daly got placed beside Mr. Peel, which post of honor had beendestined by the host for the more agreeable and talented brother. There was now no help for it; and with a heart somewhat nervous for theconsequences of the proximity, the worthy entertainer sat down to do thehonors as best he might; he was consoled during dinner by observingthat the devotion bestowed by honest Denis on the viands before himeffectually absorbed his faculties, and thereby threw the entire ofMr. Peel's conversation towards the gentleman on his other flank. This happiness was like most others, destined to be a brief one. As the dessert made its appearance, Mr. Peel began to listen with someattention to the conversation of the persons opposite; with one of whomhe was struck most forcibly--so happy a power of illustration, so vivid afancy, such logical precision in argument as he evinced, perfectlycharmed and surprised him. Anxious to learn the name of so gifted anindividual, he turned towards his hitherto silent neighbour and demandedwho he was. "'Who is he, is it?' said Denis, hesitatingly, as if he half doubted suchextent of ignorance as not to know the person alluded to. "Mr. Peel bowed in acquiescence. "'That's Bushe!' said Denis, giving at the same time the same sound tothe vowel, u, as it obtains when occurring in the word 'rush. ' "'I beg pardon, ' said Mr. Peel, 'I did not hear. ' "'Bushe!' replied Denis, with considerable energy of tone. "'Oh, yes! I know, ' said the secretary, 'Mr. Bushe, a very distinguishedmember of your bar, I have heard. ' "'Faith, you may say that!' said Denis, tossing off his wine at what heesteemed a very trite observation. "'Pray, ' said Mr. Peel, again returning to the charge, though certainlyfeeling not a little surprised at the singular laconicism of hisinformant, no less than the mellifluous tones of an accent then perfectlynew to him. 'Pray, may I ask, what is the peculiar character of Mr. Bushe's eloquence? I mean of course, in his professional capacity. ' "'Eh!' said Denis, 'I don't comprehend you exactly. ' "'I mean, ' said Mr. Peel, 'in one word, what's his forte?' "'His forte!' "'I mean what his peculiar gift consists in--' "'Oh, I perceave--I have ye now--the juries!' "'Ah! addressing a jury. ' "'Ay, the juries. ' "'Can you oblige me by giving me any idea of the manner in which heobtains such signal success in this difficult branch of eloquence. ' "'I'll tell ye, ' said Denis, leisurely finishing his glass, and smackinghis lips, with the air of a man girding up his loins for a mighty effort, 'I'll tell ye--well, ye see the way he has is this, '--here Mr. Peel'sexpectation rose to the highest degree of interest, --'the way he has isthis--he first butthers them up, and then slithers them down! that's all, devil a more of a secret there's in it. '" How much reason Denis had to boast of imparting early information to thenew secretary I leave my English readers to guess; my Irish ones I maytrust to do him ample justice. My friend now left me to my own devices to while away the hours till timeto dress for dinner. Heaven help the gentleman so left in Dublin, say I. It is, perhaps, the only city of its size in the world, where there is nolounge--no promenade. Very little experience of it will convince youthat it abounds in pretty women, and has its fair share of agreeable men;but where are they in the morning? I wish Sir Dick Lauder, instead ofspeculating where salmon spent the Christmas holidays, would apply hismost inquiring mind to such a question as this. True it is, however, they are not to be found. The squares are deserted--the streets are verynearly so--and all that is left to the luckless wanderer in search of thebeautiful, is to ogle the beauties of Dame-street, who are shopkeepers inGrafton-street, or the beauties of Grafton-street, who are shopkeepers inDame-street. But, confound it, how cranky I am getting--I must betremendously hungry. True, it's past six. So now for my suit of sable, and then to dinner. CHAPTER XIII DUBLIN--THE BOARDING-HOUSE--SELECT SOCIETY. Punctual to my appointment with O'Flaherty, I found myself a very fewminutes after six o'clock at Mrs. Clanfrizzle's door. My veryauthoritative summons at the bell was answered by the appearance of ayoung, pale-faced invalid, in a suit of livery the taste of which bore avery unpleasant resemblance to the one I so lately figured in. It waswith considerable difficulty I persuaded this functionary to permit mycarrying my hat with me to the drawing-room, a species of caution on mypart--as he esteemed it--savouring much of distrust. This point however, I carried, and followed him up a very ill-lighted stair to thedrawing-room; here I was announced by some faint resemblance to my realname, but sufficiently near to bring my friend Tom at once to meet me, who immediately congratulated me on my fortune in coming off so well, for that the person who preceded me, Mr. Jones Blennerhasset, had beenjust announced as Mr. Blatherhasit--a change the gentleman himself wasnot disposed to adopt--"But come along, Harry, while we are waiting forDaly, let me make you known to some of our party; this, you must know, is a boarding-house, and always has some capital fun--queerest peopleyou ever met--I have only one hint--cut every man, woman, and child ofthem, if you meet them hereafter--I do it myself, though I have livedhere these six months. " Pleasant people, thought I, these must be, withwhom such a line is advisable, much less practicable. "Mrs. Clanfrizzle, my friend Mr. Lorrequer; thinks he'll stay the summerin town. Mrs. Clan--, should like him to be one of us. " This latter wassaid sotto voce, and was a practice he continued to adopt in presentingme to his several friends through the room. Miss Riley, a horrid old fright, in a bird of paradise plume, and corkedeyebrows, gibbetted in gilt chains and pearl ornaments, and looking asthe grisettes say, "superbe en chrysolite"--"Miss Riley, CaptainLorrequer, a friend I have long desired to present to you--fifteenthousand a-year and a baronetcy, if he has sixpence"--sotto again. "Surgeon M'Culloch--he likes the title, " said Tom in a whisper--"Surgeon, Captain Lorrequer. By the by, lest I forget it, he wishes to speak toyou in the morning about his health; he is stopping at Sandymount for thebaths; you could go out there, eh!" The tall thing in green spectaclesbowed, and acknowledged Tom's kindness by a knowing touch of the elbow. In this way he made the tour of the room for about ten minutes, duringwhich brief space, I was according to the kind arrangements ofO'Flaherty, booked as a resident in the boarding-house--a lover to atleast five elderly, and three young ladies--a patient--a client--a secondin a duel to a clerk in the post-office--and had also volunteered(through him always) to convey, by all of his Majesty's mails, as manyparcels, packets, band-boxes, and bird-cages, as would have comfortablyfilled one of Pickford's vans. All this he told me was requisite to mybeing well received, though no one thought much of any breach of compactsubsequently, except Mrs. Clan--herself. The ladies had, alas! beenoften treated vilely before; the doctor had never had a patient; and asfor the belligerent knight of the dead office, he'd rather die than fightany day. The last person to whom my friend deemed it necessary to introduce me, was a Mr. Garret Cudmore, from the Reeks of Kerry, lately matriculated toall the honors of freshmanship in the Dublin university. This latter wasa low-sized, dark-browed man, with round shoulders, and particularly longarms, the disposal of which seemed sadly to distress him. He possessedthe most perfect brogue I ever listened to; but it was difficult to gethim to speak, for on coming up to town some weeks before, he had beenplaced by some intelligent friend at Mrs. Clanfrizzle's establishment, with the express direction to mark and thoroughly digest as much as hecould of the habits and customs of the circle about him, which he wasrightly informed was the very focus of good breeding and haut ton; buton no account, unless driven thereto by the pressure of sickness, or the wants of nature, to trust himself with speech, which, in histhen uninformed state, he was assured would inevitably ruin himamong his fastidiously cultivated associates. To the letter and the spirit of the despatch he had received, the worthyGarret acted rigidly, and his voice was scarcely ever known to transgressthe narrow limits prescribed by his friends. In more respects that one, was this a good resolve; for so completely had he identified himself withcollege habits, things, and phrases, that whenever he conversed, hebecame little short of unintelligible to the vulgar--a difficulty notdecreased by his peculiar pronunciation. My round of presentation was just completed, when the pale figure inlight blue livery announced Counsellor Daly and dinner, for both camefortunately together. Taking the post of honour, Miss Riley's arm, Ifollowed Tom, who I soon perceived ruled the whole concern, as he ledthe way with another ancient vestal in black stain and bugles. The longprocession wound its snake-like length down the narrow stair, and intothe dining-room, where at last we all got seated; and here let me brieflyvindicate the motives of my friend--should any unkind person be found toimpute to his selection of a residence, any base and grovelling passionfor gourmandaise, that day's experience should be an eternal vindicationof him. The soup--alas! that I should so far prostitute the word; forthe black broth of Sparta was mock turtle in comparison--retired to makeway for a mass of beef, whose tenderness I did not question; for it sankbeneath the knife of the carver like a feather bed--the skill of Saladinhimself would have failed to divide it. The fish was a most rebelliouspike, and nearly killed every loyal subject at table; and then down thesides were various comestibles of chickens, with azure bosoms, and hamswith hides like a rhinoceros; covered dishes of decomposed vegetablematter, called spinach and cabbage; potatoes arrayed in small masses, andbrowned, resembling those ingenious architectural structures of mud, children raise in the high ways, and call dirt-pies. Such were the chiefconstituents of the "feed;" and such, I am bound to confess, waxedbeautifully less under the vigorous onslaught of the party. The conversation soon became both loud and general. That happyfamiliarity--which I had long believed to be the exclusive prerogative ofa military mess, where constant daily association sustains the interestof the veriest trifles--I here found in a perfection I had notanticipated, with this striking difference, that there was no absurddeference to any existing code of etiquette in the conduct of the partygenerally, each person quizzing his neighbour in the most free and easystyle imaginable, and all, evidently from long habit and conventionalusage, seeming to enjoy the practice exceedingly. Thus, droll allusions, good stories, and smart repartees, fell thick as hail, and twice asharmless, which any where else that I had ever heard of, would assuredlyhave called for more explanations, and perhaps gunpowder, in the morning, than usually are deemed agreeable. Here, however, they knew better; andthough the lawyer quizzed the doctor for never having another patientthan the house dog, all of whose arteries he had tied in the course ofthe winter for practice--and the doctor retorted as heavily, by showingthat the lawyer's practice had been other than beneficial to those forwhom he was concerned--his one client being found guilty, mainly throughhis ingenious defence of him; yet they never showed any, the slightestirritation--on the contrary, such little playful badinage ever led tosome friendly passages of taking wine together, or in arrangements for aparty to the "Dargle, " or "Dunleary;" and thus went on the entire party, the young ladies darting an occasion slight at their elders, whocertainly returned the fire, often with advantage; all uniting now andthen, however, in one common cause, an attack of the whole line upon Mrs. Clanfrizzle herself, for the beef, or the mutton, or the fish, or thepoultry--each of which was sure to find some sturdy defamer, ready andwilling to give evidence in dispraise. Yet even these, and I thoughtthem rather dangerous sallies, led to no more violent results thandignified replies from the worthy hostess, upon the goodness of her fare, and the evident satisfaction it afforded while being eaten, if theappetites of the party were a test. While this was at its height, Tomstooped behind my chair, and whispered gently-- "This is good--isn't it, eh?--life in a boarding-house--quite new to you;but they are civilized now compared to what you'll find them in thedrawing-room. When short whist for five-penny points sets in--then Greekmeets Greek, and we'll have it. " During all this melee tournament, I perceived that the worthy jib ashe would be called in the parlance of Trinity, Mr. Cudmore, remainedperfectly silent, and apparently terrified. The noise, the din ofvoices, and the laughing, so completely addled him, that he was like onein a very horrid dream. The attention with which I had observed him, having been remarked by my friend O'Flaherty, he informed me that thescholar, as he was called there, was then under a kind of cloud--anadventure which occurred only two nights before, being too fresh in hismemory to permit him enjoying himself even to the limited extent it hadbeen his wont to do. As illustrative, not only of Mr. Cudmore, but thelife I have been speaking of, I may as well relate it. Soon after Mr. Cudmore's enlistment under the banners of theClanfrizzle, he had sought and found an asylum in the drawing-room of theestablishment, which promised, from its geographical relations, to exposehim less to the molestations of conversation than most other parts of theroom. This was a small recess beside the fire-place, not uncommon inold-fashioned houses, and which, from its incapacity to hold more thanone, secured to the worthy recluse the privacy he longed for; and here, among superannuated hearth-brushes, an old hand screen, an asthmaticbellows, and a kettle-holder, sat the timid youth, "alone, but in acrowd. " Not all the seductions of loo, limited to three pence, nor eventhat most appropriately designated game, beggar-my-neighbour--couldwithdraw him from his blest retreat. Like his countryman, St. Kevin--myfriend Petrie has ascertained that the saint was a native of Tralee--hefled from the temptations of the world, and the blandishments of thefair; but, alas! like the saint himself, the "poor jib little knew All that wily sex can do;" For while he hugged himself in the security of his fortress, the web ofhis destiny was weaving. So true is it, as he himself used, no lesspathetically than poetically to express it, "misfortune will find youout, if ye were hid in a tay chest. " It happened that in Mrs. Clanfrizzle's establishment, the "enfant bleu, "already mentioned, was the only individual of his sex retained; andwithout for a moment disparaging the ability or attentions of this giftedperson, yet it may reasonably be credited, that in waiting on a party oftwenty-five or thirty persons at dinner, all of whom he had admitted asporter, and announced as maitre d'hotel, with the subsequent detail ofhis duties in the drawing-room, that Peter, blue Peter--hisboarding-house soubriquet--not enjoying the bird-like privilege of"being in two places at once, " gave one rather the impression of aperson of hasty and fidgetty habits--for which nervous tendency thetreatment he underwent was certainly injudicious--it being theinvariable custom for each guest to put his services in requisition, perfectly irrespective of all other claims upon him, from whatsoeverquarter coming--and then, at the precise moment that the luckless valetwas snuffing the candles, he was abused by one for not bringing coal; byanother for having carried off his tea-cup, sent on an expedition forsugar; by a third for having left the door open, which he had never beennear; and so on to the end of the chapter. It chanced that a few evenings previous to my appearance at the house, this indefatigable Caleb was ministering as usual to the various anddiscrepant wants of the large party assembled in the drawing-room. Withhis wonted alacrity he had withdrawn from their obscure retreat againstthe wall, sundry little tables, destined for the players at whist, or"spoil five"--the popular game of the establishment. With a dexteritythat savoured much of a stage education, he had arranged the candles, thecards, the counters; he had poked the fire, settled the stool for MissRiley's august feet, and was busily engaged in changing five shillingsinto small silver for a desperate victim of loo--when Mrs. Clanfrizzle'sthird, and, as it appeared, last time, of asking for the kettle smoteupon his ear. His loyalty would have induced him at once to desert everything on such an occasion; but the other party engaged, held him fast, saying-- "Never mind HER, Peter--you have sixpence more to give me. " Poor Peter rummaged one pocket, then another--discovering at last threepence in copper, and some farthings, with which he seemed endeavouring tomake a composition with his creditor for twelve shillings in the pound;when Mrs. Clan's patience finally becoming exhausted, she turned towardsMr. Cudmore, the only unemployed person she could perceive, and with herblandest smile said, "Mr. Cudmore, may I take the liberty of requesting you would hand me thekettle beside you. " Now, though the kettle aforesaid was, as the hostess very properlyobserved, beside him, yet the fact that in complying with the demand, itwas necessary for the bashful youth to leave the recess he occupied, and, with the kettle, proceed to walk half across the room--there to performcertain manual operations requiring skill and presence of mind, before alarge and crowded assembly--was horror to the mind of the poor Jib; andhe would nearly as soon have acceded to a desire to dance a hornpipe, ifsuch had been suggested as the wish of the company. However, there wasnothing for it; and summoning up all his nerve--knitting his brows--clenching his teeth, like one prepared to "do or die, " he seized thehissing cauldron, and strode through the room, like the personifiedgenius of steam, very much to the alarm of all the old ladies in thevicinity, whose tasteful drapery benefitted but little from his progress. Yet he felt but little of all this; he had brought up his courage to thesticking place, and he was absolutely half unconscious of the whole scenebefore him; nor was it till some kind mediator had seized his arm, whileanother drew him back by the skirts of the coat, that he desisted fromthe deluge of hot water, with which, having filled the tea-pot, heproceeded to swamp every thing else upon the tray, in his unfortunateabstraction. Mrs. Clanfrizzle screamed--the old ladies accompanied her--the young ones tittered--the men laughed--and, in a word, poor Cudmore, perfectly unconscious of any thing extraordinary, felt himself theadmired of all admirers, --very little, it is true, to his ownsatisfaction. After some few minutes exposure to these eclats de rire, he succeeded in depositing the source of his griefs within the fender, and once more retired to his sanctuary, --having registered a vow, which, should I speak it, would forfeit his every claim to gallantry for ever. Whether in the vow aforesaid Mr. Cudmore had only been engaged in thatspecies of tesselating which furnishes the pavement so celebrated in thelower regions, I know not; but true it is, that he retired that night tohis chamber very much discomfited at his debut in the great world, andhalf disposed to believe that nature had neither intended him for aBrummel nor a D'Orsay. While he was ruminating on such matters, he wasjoined by O'Flaherty, with whom he had been always more intimate than anyother inmate of the house--Tom's tact having entirely concealed what themanners of the others too plainly evinced, the perfect appreciation ofthe student's oddity and singularity. After some few observations ongeneral matters, O'Flaherty began with a tone of some seriousness toexpress towards Cudmore the warm interest he had ever taken in him, sincehis first coming among them; his great anxiety for his welfare, and hisfirm resolve that no chance or casual inattention to mere ceremonialobservances on his part should ever be seized on by the other guestsas a ground for detraction or an excuse for ridicule of him. "Rely upon it, my dear boy, " said he, "I have watched over you like aparent; and having partly foreseen that something like this affair ofto-night would take place sooner or later"-- "What affair?" said Cudmore--his eyes staring half out of his head. "That business of the kettle. " "Kett--el. The kettle! What of that?" said Cudmore. "What of it? Why, if you don't feel it, I am sure it is not my duty toremind you; only"-- "Feel it--oh, yes. I saw them laughing, because I spilled the water overold Mrs. Jones, or something of that sort. " "No, no, my dear young friend, they were not laughing at that--theirmirth had another object. " "What the devil was it at, then?" "You don't know, don't you?" "No; I really do not. " "Nor can't guess--eh?" "Confound me if I can. " "Well. I see, Mr. Cudmore, you are really too innocent for thesepeople. But come--it shall never be said that youth and inexperienceever suffered from the unworthy ridicule and cold sarcasm of the baseworld, while Tom O'Flaherty stood by a spectator. "Sir, " said Tom, striking his hand with energy on the table, and dartinga look of fiery indignation from his eye, "Sir, you were this nighttrepanned--yes, sir, vilely, shamefully trepanned--I repeat theexpression--into the performance of a menial office--an office sodegrading, so offensive, so unbecoming the rank, the station, and thehabits of gentlemen, my very blood recoils when I only think of theindignity. " The expression of increasing wonder and surprise depicted in Mr. Cudmore's face at these words, my friend Phiz might convey--I cannotventure to describe it--suffice it to say, that even O'Flaherty himselffound it difficult to avoid a burst of laughter, as he looked at him andresumed. "Witnessing, as I did, the entire occurrence; feeling deeply for theinexperience which the heartless worldlings had dared to trample upon, I resolved to stand by you, and here I am come for that purpose. " "Well, but what in the devil's name have I done all this time?" "What! are you still ignorant?--is it possible? Did you not hand thekettle from the fire-place, and fill the tea-pot?--answer me that!" "I did, " said Cudmore, with a voice already becoming tremulous. "Is that the duty of a gentleman?--answer me that. " A dead pause stood in place of a reply, while Tom proceeded-- "Did you ever hear any one ask me, or Counsellor Daly, or Mr. Fogarty, or any other person to do so?--answer me that. " "No; never" muttered Cudmore, with a sinking spirit. "Well then why may I ask, were you selected for an office that by yourown confession, no one else would stoop to perform? I'll tell you, because from your youth and inexperience, your innocence was deemed a fitvictim to the heartless sneers of a cold and unfeeling world. "And here Tom broke forth into a very beautiful apostrophe, beginning-- "Oh, virtue!" (this I am unfortunately unable to present to my readers;and must only assure them that it was a very faithful imitation of thewell-known one delivered by Burke in the case of Warren Hastings, ) andconcluding with an exhortation to Cudmore to wipe out the stain of hiswounded honour, by repelling with indignation the slightest futureattempt at such an insult. This done, O'Flaherty retired, leaving Cudmore to dig among Greek roots, and chew over the cud of his misfortune. Punctual to the time and place, that same evening beheld the injured Cudmore resume his wonted corner, pretty much with the feeling with which a forlorn hope stands match inhand to ignite the train destined to explode with ruin to thousands--himself perhaps amongst the number: there he sat with a brain asburning, and a heart as excited, as though, instead of sipping his boheabeside a sea-coal fire, he was that instant trembling beneath the frownof Dr. Elrington, for the blunders in his Latin theme, and what terrorto the mind of a "Jib" can equal that one? As luck would have it, this was a company night in the boarding-house. Various young ladies in long blue sashes, and very broad ribbon sandals, paraded the rooms, chatting gaily with very distinguished looking younggentlemen, with gold brooches, and party-coloured inside waistcoats;sundry elderly ladies sat at card-tables, discussing the "lost honour byan odd trick they played, " with heads as large as those of Jack or Jillin the pantomime; spruce clerks in public offices, (whose vocation theexpansive tendency of the right ear, from long pen-carrying, betokened)discussed fashion, "and the musical glasses" to some very over-dressedmarried ladies, who preferred flirting to five-and-ten. The tea-table, over which the amiable hostess presided, had also its standing votaries:mostly grave parliamentary-looking gentlemen, with powdered heads, and very long-waisted black coats, among whom the Sir Oracle was afunctionary of his Majesty's High Court of Chancery, though I have reasonto believe, not, Lord Manners: meanwhile, in all parts of the room mightbe seen Blue Peter, distributing tea, coffee, and biscuit, andoccasionally interchanging a joke with the dwellers in the house. Whileall these pleasing occupations proceeded, the hour of Cudmore's trial wasapproaching. The tea-pot which had stood the attack of fourteen cupswithout flinching, at last began to fail, and discovered to the pryingeyes of Mrs. Clanfrizzle, nothing but an olive-coloured deposit of softmatter, closely analogous in appearance and chemical property to theresiduary precipitate in a drained fish-pond; she put down the lid witha gentle sigh and turning towards the fire bestowed one of her veryblandest and most captivating looks on Mr. Cudmore, saying--as plainlyas looks could say--"Cudmore, you're wanting. " Whether the youth did, or did not understand, I am unable to record: I can only say, the appealwas made without acknowledgment. Mrs. Clanfrizzle again essayed, and bya little masonic movement of her hand to the tea-pot, and a sly glance atthe hob, intimated her wish--still hopelessly; at last there was nothingfor it but speaking; and she donned her very softest voice, and mostpersuasive tone, saying-- "Mr. Cudmore, I am really very troublesome: will you permit me to askyou?"-- "Is it for the kettle, ma'am?" said Cudmore, with a voice that startledthe whole room, disconcerting three whist parties, and so absorbing theattention of the people at loo, that the pool disappeared without any onebeing able to account for the circumstance. "Is it for the kettle, ma'am?" "If you will be so very kind, " lisped the hostess. "Well, then, upon my conscience, you are impudent, " said Cudmore, withhis face crimsoned to the ears, and his eyes flashing fire. "Why, Mr. Cudmore, " began the lady, "why, really, this is so strange. Why sir, what can you mean?" "Just that, " said the imperturbable jib, who now that his courage was up, dared every thing. "But sir, you must surely have misunderstood me. I only asked for thekettle, Mr. Cudmore. " "The devil a more, " said Cud, with a sneer. "Well, then, of course"-- "Well, then, I'll tell you, of course, " said he, repeating her words;"the sorrow taste of the kettle, I'll give you. Call you own skip--BluePether there--damn me, if I'll be your skip any longer. " For the uninitiated I have only to add, that "skip" is the TrinityCollege appellation for servant, which was therefore employed by Mr. Cudmore, on this occasion, as expressing more contemptuously his senseof the degradation of the office attempted to be put upon him. Havingalready informed my reader on some particulars of the company, I leavehim to suppose how Mr. Cudmore's speech was received. Whist itself wasat an end for that evening, and nothing but laughter, long, loud, andreiterated, burst from every corner of the room for hours after. As I have so far travelled out of the record of my own peculiarconfessions, as to give a leaf from what might one day form the matter ofMr. Cudmore's, I must now make the only amende in my power, by honestlynarrating, that short as my visit was to the classic precincts of thisagreeable establishment, I did not escape without exciting my share ofridicule, though, I certainly had not the worst of the joke, and may, therefore, with better grace tell the story, which, happily for myreaders, is a very brief one. A custom prevailed in Mrs. Clanfrizzle'shousehold, which from my unhappy ignorance of boarding-houses, I amunable to predicate if it belong to the genera at large, or this onespecimen in particular, however, it is a sufficiently curious fact, eventhough thereby hang no tale, for my stating it here. The decanters onthe dinner-table were never labelled, with their more appropriatedesignation of contents, whether claret, sherry, or port, but with thenames of their respective owners, it being a matter of much lessconsequence that any individual at table should mix his wine, by pouring"port upon madeira, " than commit the truly legal offence of appropriatingto his own use and benefit, even by mistake, his neighbour's bottle. However well the system may work among the regular members of the"domestic circle, " and I am assured that it does succeed extremely--to the newly arrived guest, or uninitiated visitor, the affair isperplexing, and leads occasionally to awkward results. It so chanced, from my friend O'Flaherty's habitual position at the footof the table, and my post of honour near the head, that on the first dayof my appearing there, the distance between us, not only precluded allpossible intercourse, but any of those gentle hints as to habits andcustoms, a new arrival looks for at the hands of his better informedfriend. The only mode of recognition, to prove that we belonged to eachother, being by that excellent and truly English custom of drinking winetogether, Tom seized the first idle moment from his avocation as carverto say, "Lorrequer, a glass of wine with you. " Having, of course, acceded, he again asked, "What wine do you drink?" intending thereby, as I afterwards learned, tosend me from his end of the table, what wine I selected. Not conceivingthe object of the inquiry, and having hitherto without hesitation helpedmyself from the decanter, which bore some faint resemblance to sherry, I immediately turned for correct information to the bottle itself, uponwhose slender neck was ticketed the usual slip of paper. My endeavoursto decypher the writing occupied time sufficient again to make O'Flahertyask, "Well, Harry, I'm waiting for you. Will you have port?" "No, I thank you, " I replied, having by this revealed the inscription. "No, I thank you; I'll just stick to my old friend here, Bob M'Grotty;"for thus I rendered familiarly the name of Rt. M'Grotty on the decanter, and which I in my ignorance believed to be the boarding-house soubriquetfor bad sherry. That Mr. M'Grotty himself little relished my familiaritywith either his name or property I had a very decisive proof, for turninground upon his chair, and surveying my person from head to foot with alook of fiery wrath, he thundered out in very broad Scotch, "And by my saul, my freend, ye may just as weel finish it noo, for deil aglass o' his ain wine did Bob M'Grotty, as ye ca' him, swallow this day. " The convulsion of laughter into which my blunder and the Scotchman'spassion threw the whole board, lasted till the cloth was withdrawn, andthe ladies had retired to the drawing-room, the only individual at tablenot relishing the mistake being the injured proprietor of the bottle, whowas too proud to accept reparation from my friend's decanter, and wouldscarcely condescend to open his lips during the evening; notwithstandingwhich display of honest indignation, we contrived to become exceedinglymerry and jocose, most of the party communicating little episodes oftheir life, in which, it is true, they frequently figured in situationsthat nothing but their native and natural candour would venture to avow. One story I was considerably amused at; it was told by the counsellor, Mr. Daly, in illustration of the difficulty of rising at the bar, andwhich, as showing his own mode of obviating the delay that youngprofessional men submit to from hard necessity, as well as in evidence ofhis strictly legal turn, I shall certainly recount, one of these days, for the edification of the junior bar. CHAPTER XIV. THE CHASE. On the morning after my visit to the boarding-house, I received a fewhurried lines from Curzon, informing me that no time was to be lost injoining the regiment--that a grand fancy ball was about to be given bythe officers of the Dwarf frigate, then stationed off Dunmore; who, wheninviting the ___, specially put in a demand for my well-known services, to make it to go off, and concluding with an extract from the KilkennyModerator, which ran thus-- "An intimation has just reached us, from a quarter on which we can place the fullest reliance, that the celebrated amateur performer, Mr. Lorrequer, may shortly be expected amongst us; from the many accounts we have received of this highly-gifted gentleman's powers, we anticipate a great treat to the lovers of the drama, " &c. &c. "So you see, my dear Hal, " continued Curzon, "thy vocation calls thee; therefore come, and come quickly--provide thyself with a black satin costume, slashed with light blue--point lace collar and ruffles--a Spanish hat looped in front--and, if possible, a long rapier, with a flap hilt. --Carden is not here; so you may show your face under any colour with perfect impunity. --Yours from the side scenes, "C. Curzon. " This clever epistle sufficed to show me that the gallant __th had goneclean theatrical mad; and although from my "last appearance on anystage, " it might be supposed I should feel no peculiar desire to repeatthe experiment, yet the opportunity of joining during Col. Carden'sabsence, was too tempting to resist, and I at once made up my mind toset out, and, without a moment's delay, hurried across the street tothe coach office, to book myself an inside in the mail of that night;fortunately no difficulty existed in my securing the seat, for theway-bill was a perfect blank, and I found myself the only person who had, as yet, announced himself a passenger. On returning to my hotel, I foundO'Flaherty waiting for me; he was greatly distressed on hearing mydetermination to leave town--explained how he had been catering for myamusement for the week to come--that a picnic to the Dargle was arrangedin a committee of the whole house, and a boating party, with a dinner atthe Pigeon-house, was then under consideration; resisting, however, suchextreme temptations, I mentioned the necessity of my at once proceedingto headquarters, and all other reasons for my precipitancy failing, concluded with that really knock-down argument, "I have taken my place;"this, I need scarcely add, finished the matter--at least I have neverknown it fail in such cases. Tell your friends that your wife is hourlyexpecting to be confined; your favourite child is in the measles--youbest friend waiting your aid in an awkward scrape--your one vote onlywanting to turn the scale in an election. Tell them, I say, each or allof these, or a hundred more like them, and to any one you so speak, theanswer is--"Pooh, pooh, my dear fellow, never fear--don't fuss yourself--take it easy--to-morrow will do just as well. " If, on the other hand, however, you reject such flimsy excuses, and simply say, "I'm booked inthe mail, " the opposition at once falls to the ground, and your quondamantagonist, who was ready to quarrel with you, is at once prepared toassist in packing your portmanteau. Having soon satisfied my friend Tom that resistance was in vain, Ipromised to eat an early dinner with him at Morrisson's, and spent thebetter part of the morning in putting down a few notes of my Confessions, as well as the particulars of Mr. Daly's story, which, I believe, I halfor wholly promised my readers at the conclusion of my last chapter; butwhich I must defer to a more suitable opportunity, when mentioning thenext occasion of my meeting him on the southern circuit. My dispositions were speedily made. I was fortunate in securing theexact dress my friend's letter alluded to among the stray costumes ofFishamble-street; and rich in the possession of the only "properties" ithas been my lot to acquire, I despatched my treasure to the coach office, and hastened to Morrisson's, it being by this time nearly five o'clock. There, true to time, I found O'Flaherty deep in the perusal of the bill, along which figured the novel expedients for dining, I had been in thehabit of reading in every Dublin hotel since my boyhood. "Mock turtle, mutton, gravy, roast beef and potatoes--shoulder of mutton and potatoes!--ducks and peas, potatoes!! ham and chicken, cutlet steak andpotatoes!!! apple tart and cheese:" with a slight cadenza of a sigh overthe distant glories of Very, or still better the "Freres, " we sat down toa very patriarchal repast, and what may be always had par excellence inDublin, a bottle of Sneyd's claret. Poor Tom's spirits were rather below their usual pitch; and although hemade many efforts to rally and appear gay, he could not accomplish it. However, we chatted away over old times and old friends, and forgettingall else but the topics we talked of, the time-piece over the chimneyfirst apprised me that two whole hours had gone by, and that it was nowseven o'clock, the very hour the coach was to start. I started up atonce, and notwithstanding all Tom's representations of the impossibilityof my being in time, had despatched waiters in different directions for ajarvey, more than ever determined upon going; so often is it that whenreal reasons for our conduct are wanting, any casual or chance oppositionconfirms us in an intention which before was but uncertain. Seeing me soresolved, Tom, at length, gave way, and advised my pursuing the mail, which must be now gone at least ten minutes, and which, with smartdriving, I should probably overtake before getting free of the city, asthey have usually many delays in so doing. I at once ordered out the"yellow post-chaise, " and before many minutes had elapsed, what, withimprecation and bribery, I started in pursuit of his Majesty's Cork andKilkenny mail coach, then patiently waiting in the court-yard of the PostOffice. "Which way now, your honor?" said a shrill voice from the dark--for suchthe night had already become, and threatened with a few heavy drops ofstraight rain, the fall of a tremendous shower. "The Naas road, " said I; "and, harkye, my fine fellow, if you overtakethe coach in half an hour, I'll double your fare. " "Be gorra, I'll do my endayvour, " said the youth; at the same timeinstant dashing in both spurs, we rattled down Nassau-street at a veryrespectable pace for harriers. Street after street we passed, and atlast I perceived we had got clear of the city, and were leaving the longline of lamp-lights behind us. The night was now pitch dark. I couldnot see any thing whatever. The quick clattering of the wheels, thesharp crack of the postillion's whip, or the still sharper tone of his"gee hup, " showed me we were going at a tremendous pace, had I not evenhad the experience afforded by the frequent visits my head paid to theroof of the chaise, so often as we bounded over a stone, or splashedthrough a hollow. Dark and gloomy as it was, I constantly let down thewindow, and with half my body protruded, endeavores to catch a glimpse ofthe "Chase;" but nothing could I see. The rain now fell in actualtorrents; and a more miserable night it is impossible to conceive. After about an hour so spent, he at last came to a check, so sudden andunexpected on my part, that I was nearly precipitated, harlequin fashion, through the front window. Perceiving that we no longer moved, andsuspecting that some part of our tackle had given way, I let down thesash, and cried out--"Well now, my lad, any thing wrong?" My questionswas, however, unheard; and although, amid the steam arising from the wetand smoking horses, I could perceive several figures indistinctly movingabout, I could not distinguish what they were doing, nor what they said. A laugh I certainly did hear, and heartily cursed the unfeeling wretch, as I supposed him to be, who was enjoying himself at my disappointment. I again endeavoured to find out what had happened, and called out stilllouder than before. "We are at Ra'coole, your honor, " said the boy, approaching the door ofthe chaise, "and she's only beat us by hafe a mile. " "Who the devil is she?" said I. "The mail, your honor, is always a female in Ireland. " "Then why do you stop now? You're not going to feed I suppose?" "Of course not, your honor, it's little feeding troubles these bastes, any how, but they tell me the road is so heavy we'll never take thechaise over the next stage without leaders. " "Without leaders!" said I. "Pooh! my good fellow, no humbugging, four horses for a light post-chaise and no luggage; come get up, and nononsense. " At this moment a man approached the window with a lantern inhis hand, and so strongly represented the dreadful state of the roadsfrom the late rains--the length of the stage--the frequency of accidentslatterly from under-horsing, &c. &c. That I yielded, a reluctant assent, and ordered out the leaders, comforting myself the while, thatconsidering the inside fare of the coach, I made such efforts toovertake, was under a pound, and that time was no object to me, Icertainly was paying somewhat dearly for my character for resolution. At last we got under way once more, and set off cheered by a tremendousshout from at least a dozen persons, doubtless denizens of thatinteresting locality, amid which I once again heard the laugh that had somuch annoyed me already. The rain was falling, if possible, more heavilythan before, and had evidently set in for the entire night. Throwingmyself back into a corner of the "leathern convenience, " I gave myself upto the full enjoyment of the Rouchefoucauld maxim, that there is always apleasure felt in the misfortunes of even our best friends, and certainlyexperienced no small comfort in my distress, by contrasting my presentposition with that of my two friends in the saddle, as they sweltered onthrough mud and mire, rain and storm. On we went, splashing, bumping, rocking, and jolting, till I began at last to have serious thoughts ofabdicating the seat and betaking myself to the bottom of the chaise, forsafety and protection. Mile after mile succeeded, and as after many ashort and fitful slumber, which my dreams gave an apparent length to, I woke only to find myself still in pursuit--the time seemed soenormously protracted that I began to fancy my whole life was to bepassed in the dark, in chase of the Kilkenny mail, as we read in the truehistory of the flying Dutchman, who, for his sins of impatience--likemine--spent centuries vainly endeavouring to double the Cape, or theIndian mariner in Moore's beautiful ballad, of whom we are told as-- "Many a day to night gave way, And many a morn succeeded, Yet still his flight, by day and night, That restless mariner speeded. " This might have been all very well in the tropics, with a smart craft anddoubtless plenty of sea store--but in a chaise, at night, and on the Naasroad, I humbly suggest I had all the worse of the parallel. At last the altered sound of the wheels gave notice of our approachto a town, and after about twenty minutes; rattling over the pavementwe entered what I supposed, correctly, to be Naas. Here I had long sincedetermined my pursuit should cease. I had done enough, and more thanenough, to vindicate my fame against any charge of irresolution as toleaving Dublin, and was bethinking me of the various modes of prosecutingmy journey on the morrow, when we drew up suddenly at the door of theSwan. The arrival of a chaise and four at a small country town inn, suggests to the various employees therein, any thing rather than thetraveller in pursuit of the mail, and so the moment I arrived, I wasassailed with innumerable proffers of horses, supper, bed, &c. Myanxious query was thrice repeated in vain, "When did the coach pass?" "The mail, " replied the landlord at length. "Is it the down mail?" Not understanding the technical, I answered, "Of course not the Down--theKilkenny and Cork mail. " "From Dublin, sir?" "Yes, from Dublin. " "Not arrived yet, sir, nor will it for three quarters of an hour; theynever leave Dublin till a quarter past seven; that is, in fact, halfpast, and their time here is twenty minutes to eleven. " "Why, you stupid son of a boot-top, we have been posting on all nightlike the devil, and all this time the coach has been ten miles behindus. " "Well, we've cotch them any how, " said the urchin, as he disengagedhimself from his wet saddle, and stood upon the ground; "and it is not myfault that the coach is not before us. " With a satisfactory anathema upon all innkeepers, waiters, hostlers, andpost-boys, with a codicil including coach-proprietors, I followed thesmirking landlord into a well-lighted room, with a blazing fire, whenhaving ordered supper, I soon regained my equanimity. My rasher and poached eggs, all Naas could afford me, were speedilydespatched, and as my last glass, from my one pint of sherry, was pouredout, the long expected coach drew up. A minute after the coachmanentered to take his dram, followed by the guard; a more lamentablespectacle of condensed moisture cannot be conceived; the rain fell fromthe entire circumference of his broad-brimmed hat, like the ever-flowingdrop from the edge of an antique fountain; his drab-coat had become adeep orange hue, while his huge figure loomed still larger, as he stoodamid a nebula of damp, that would have made an atmosphere for theGeorgium Sidus. "Going on to-night, sir?" said he, addressing me; "severe weather, and nochance of its clearing, but of course you're inside. " "Why, there is very little doubt of that, " said I. "Are you nearly fullinside?" "Only one, sir; but he seems a real queer chap; made fifty inquiries atthe office if he could not have the whole inside to himself, and when heheard that one place had been taken--your's, I believe, sir--he seemedlike a scalded bear. " "You don't know his name then?" "No, sir, he never gave a name at the office, and his only luggage is twobrown paper parcels, without any ticket, and he has them inside; indeedhe never lets them from him even for a second. " Here the guard's horn, announcing all ready, interrupted our colloquy, and prevented my learning any thing further of my fellow-traveller, whom, however, I at once set down in my own mind for some confounded old churlthat made himself comfortable every where, without ever thinking of anyone else's convenience. As I passed from the inn door to the coach, I once more congratulatedmyself that I was about to be housed from the terrific storm of wind andrain that railed about. "Here's the step, sir, " said the guard, "get in, sir, two minutes latealready. " "I beg your pardon, sir, " said I, as I half fell over the legs of myunseen companion. "May I request leave to pass you?" While he made wayfor me for this purpose, I perceived that he stooped down towards theguard, and said something, who from his answer had evidently beenquestioned as to who I was. "And how did he get here, if he took hisplace in Dublin?" asked the unknown. "Came half an hour since, sir, in a chaise and four, " said the guard, ashe banged the door behind him, and closed the interview. Whatever might have been the reasons for my fellow-traveller's anxietyabout my name and occupation, I knew not, yet could not help feelinggratified at thinking that as I had not given my name at the coachoffice, I was a great a puzzle to him as he to me. "A severe night, sir, " said I, endeavouring to break ground inconversation. "Mighty severe, " briefly and half crustily replied the unknown, with arichness of brogue, that might have stood for a certificate of baptismin Cork or its vicinity. "And a bad road too, sir, " said I, remembering my lately accomplishedstage. "That's the reason I always go armed, " said the unknown, clinking at thesame moment something like the barrel of a pistol. Wondering somewhat at his readiness to mistake my meaning, I feltdisposed to drop any further effort to draw him out, and was about toaddress myself to sleep, as comfortably as I could. "I'll jist trouble ye to lean aff that little parcel there, sir, " saidhe, as he displaced from its position beneath my elbow, one of the paperpackages the guard had already alluded to. In complying with this rather gruff demand, one of my pocket pistols, which I carried in my breast pocket, fell out upon his knee, upon whichhe immediately started, and asked hurriedly--"and are you armed too?" "Why, yes, " said I, laughingly; "men of my trade seldom go withoutsomething of this kind. " "Be gorra, I was just thinking that same, " said the traveller, with ahalf sigh to himself. Why he should or should not have thought so, I never troubled myself tocanvass, and was once more settling myself in my corner, when I wasstartled by a very melancholy groan, which seemed to come from the bottomof my companion's heart. "Are you ill, sir?" said I, in a voice of some anxiety. "You might say that, " replied he--"if you knew who you were talking to--although maybe you've heard enough of me, though you never saw me tillnow. " "Without having that pleasure even yet, " said I, "it would grieve me tothink you should be ill in the coach. " "May be it might, " briefly replied the unknown, with a species of meaningin his words I could not then understand. "Did ye never hear tell ofBarney Doyle?" said he. "Not to my recollection. " "Then I'm Barney, " said he; "that's in all the newspapers in themetropolis; I'm seventeen weeks in Jervis-street hospital, and four inthe Lunatic, and the devil a better after all; you must be a stranger, I'm thinking, or you'd know me now. " "Why I do confess, I've only been a few hours in Ireland for the last sixmonths. " "Ay, that's the reason; I knew you would not be fond of travelling withme, if you knew who it was. " "Why, really, " said I, beginning at the moment to fathom some of thehints of my companion, "I did not anticipate the pleasure of meetingyou. " "It's pleasure ye call it; then there's no accountin' for tastes, as Dr. Colles said, when he saw me bite Cusack Rooney's thumb off. " "Bite a man's thumb off!" said I, in a horror. "Ay, " said he with a kind of fiendish animation, "in one chop; I wishyou'd see how I scattered the consultation; begad they didn't wait toax for a fee. " Upon my soul, a very pleasant vicinity, though I. "And, may I ask sir, "said I, in a very mild and soothing tone of voice, "may I ask the reasonfor this singular propensity of yours?" "There it is now, my dear, " said he, laying his hand upon my kneefamiliarly, "that's just the very thing they can't make out; Colles says, it's all the ceribellum, ye see, that's inflamed and combusted, and someof the others think it's the spine; and more, the muscles; but my realimpression is, the devil a bit they know about it at all. " "And have they no name for the malady?" said I. "Oh sure enough they have a name for it. " "And, may I ask--" "Why, I think you'd better not, because ye see, maybe I might bethroublesome to ye in the night, though I'll not, if I can help it; andit might be uncomfortable to you to be here if I was to get one of thefits. " "One of the fits! Why it's not possible, sir, " said I, "you would travelin a public conveyance in the state you mention; your friends surelywould not permit it?" "Why, if they knew, perhaps, " slily responded the interesting invalid, "if they knew they might not exactly like it, but ye see, I escaped onlylast night, and there'll be a fine hub-bub in the morning, when they findI'm off; though I'm thinking Rooney's barking away by this time. " "Rooney barking, why, what does that mean?" "They always bark for a day or two after they're bit, if the infectioncomes first from the dog. " "You are surely not speaking of hydrophobia, " said I, my hair actuallybristling with horror and consternation. "Ayn't I?" replied he; "may be you've guessed it though. " "And have you the malady on you at present?" said I, trembling for theanswer. "This is the ninth day since I took to biting, " said he gravely, perfectly unconscious as it appeared of the terror such information wascalculated to convey. "Any with such a propensity, sir, do you think yourself warranted intravelling in a public coach, exposing others--" "You'd better not raise your voice, that way, " quietly responded he, "ifI'm roused, it 'll be worse for ye, that's all. " "Well but, " said I, moderating my zeal, "is it exactly prudent, in yourpresent delicate state, to undertake a journey?" "Ah, " said he, with a sigh, "I've been longing to see the fox houndsthrow off, near Kilkenny; these three weeks I've been thinking of nothingelse; but I'm not sure how my nerves will stand the cry; I might bethroublesome. " "Upon my soul, " thought I, "I shall not select that morning for my debutin the field. " "I hope, sir, there's no river, or watercourse on this road--any thingelse, I can, I hope, control myself against; but water--running waterparticularly--makes me throublesome. " Well knowing what he meant by the latter phrase, I felt the coldperspiration settling on my forehead, as I remembered that we must bewithin about ten or twelve miles of Leighlin-bridge, where we should haveto pass a very wide river. I strictly concealed this fact from him, however, and gave him to understand that there was not a well, brook, orrivulet, for forty miles on either side of us. He now sunk into a kindof moody silence, broken occasionally by a low muttering noise, as ifspeaking to himself--what this might portend, I knew not--but thought itbetter, under all circumstances, not to disturb him. How comfortable mypresent condition was, I need scarcely remark--sitting vis a vis to alunatic, with a pair of pistols in his possession--who had already avowedhis consciousness of his tendency to do mischief, and his inability tomaster it; all this in the dark, and in the narrow limits of amail-coach, where there was scarcely room for defence, and nopossibility of escape--how heartily I wished myself back in theCoffee-room at Morrisson's, with my poor friend Tom--the infernalchaise, that I cursed a hundred times, would have been an "exchange, "better than into the Life Guards--ay, even the outside of the coach, ifI could only reach it, would, under present circumstances, be a gloriousalternative to my existing misfortune. What were rain and storm, thunder and lightning, compared with the chances that awaited me here?--wet through I should inevitably be, but then I had not yet contractedthe horror of moisture my friend opposite laboured under. "Ha! what isthat? is it possible he can be asleep; is it really a snore?--Heavengrant that little snort be not what the medical people call apremonitory symptom--if so, he'll be in upon me now in no time. Ah, there it is again; he must be asleep surely; now then is my time ornever. " With these words, muttered to myself, and a heart throbbingalmost audibly at the risk of his awakening, I slowly let down thewindow of the coach, and stretching forth my hand, turned the handlecautiously and slowly; I next disengaged my legs, and by a longcontinuous effort of creeping--which I had learned perfectly once, whenpractising to go as a boa constrictor to a fancy ball--I withdrew myselffrom the seat and reached the step, when I muttered something very likea thanksgiving to Providence for my rescue. With little difficulty I nowclimbed up beside the guard, whose astonishment at my appearance wasindeed considerable--that any man should prefer the out, to the insideof a coach, in such a night, was rather remarkable; but that the personso doing should be totally unprovided with a box-coat, or other similarprotection, argued something so strange, that I doubt not, if he were todecide upon the applicability of the statute of lunacy to a traveller inthe mail, the palm would certainly have been awarded to me, and not tomy late companion. Well, on we rolled, and heavily as the rain poureddown, so relieved did I feel at my change of position, that I soon fellfast asleep, and never awoke till the coach was driving up Patrickstreet. Whatever solace to my feelings reaching the outside of the coachmight have been attended with at night, the pleasure I experienced onawaking, was really not unalloyed. More dead than alive, I sat a massof wet clothes, like nothing under heaven except it be that morsel ofblack and spongy wet cotton at the bottom of a schoolboy's ink bottle, saturated with rain, and the black dye of my coat. My hat too hadcontributed its share of colouring matter, and several long blackstreaks coursed down my "wrinkled front, " giving me very much the air ofan Indian warrior, who had got the first priming of his war paint. Icertainly must have been rueful object, were I only to judge from thefaces of the waiters as they gazed on me when the coach drew up at Riceand Walsh's hotel. Cold, wet, and weary as I was, my curiosity to learnmore of my late agreeable companion was strong as ever within me--perhaps stronger, from the sacrifices his acquaintance had exactedfrom me. Before, however, I had disengaged myself from the pile oftrunks and carpet bags I had surrounded myself with--he had got out ofthe coach, and all I could catch a glimpse of was the back of a littleshort man in a kind of grey upper coat, and long galligaskins on hislegs. He carried his two bundles under his arm, and stepped nimbly upthe steps of the hotel, without turning his head to either side. "Don't fancy you shall escape me now, my good friend, " I cried out, as Isprung from the roof to the ground, with one jump, and hurried after thegreat unknown into the coffee-room. By the time I reached it he hadapproached the fire, on the table near which, having deposited themysterious paper parcels, he was now busily engaged in divesting himselfof his great coat; his face was still turned from me, so that I had timeto appear employed in divesting myself of my wet drapery before heperceived me; at last the coat was unbuttoned, the gaiters followed, andthrowing them carelessly on a chair, he tucked up the skirts of his coat;and spreading himself comfortably a l'Anglais, before the fire, displayedto my wondering and stupified gaze, the pleasant features of DoctorFinucane. "Why, Doctor--Doctor Finucane, " cried I, "is this possible? were youreally the inside in the mail last night. " "Devil a doubt of it, Mr. Lorrequer; and may I make bould to ask, --wereyou the outside?" "Then what, may I beg to know, did you mean by your damned story aboutBarney Doyle, and the hydrophobia, and Cusack Rooney's thumb--eh?" "Oh, by the Lord, " said Finucane, "this will be the death of me; and itwas you that I drove outside in all the rain last night! Oh, it willkill Father Malachi outright with laughing, when I tell him;" and heburst out into a fit of merriment that nearly induced me to break hishead with the poker. "Am I to understand, then, Mr. Finucane, that this practical joke of yourwas contrived for my benefit, and for the purpose of holding me up to theridicule of your confounded acquaintances. " "Nothing of the kind, upon my conscience, " said Fin, drying his eyes, and endeavouring to look sorry and sentimental. "If I had only the leastsuspicion in life that it was you, upon my oath I'd not have had thehydrophobia at all, and, to tell you the truth, you were not the onlyone frightened--you alarmed me devilishly too. " "I alarmed you! Why, how can that be?" "Why, the real affair is this: I was bringing these two packages of notesdown to my cousin Callaghan's bank in Cork--fifteen thousand pounds--devil a less; and when you came into the coach at Naas, after drivingthere with your four horses, I thought it was all up with me. The guardjust whispered in my ear, that he saw you look at the priming of yourpistols before getting in; and faith I said four paters, and a hail Mary, before you'd count five. Well, when you got seated, the thought cameinto my mind that maybe, highwayman as you were, you would not like dyinga natural death, more particularly if you were an Irishman; and so Itrumped up that long story about the hydrophobia, and the gentleman'sthumb, and devil knows what besides; and, while I was telling it, thecold perspiration was running down my head and face, for every time youstirred, I said to myself, now he'll do it. Two or three times, do youknow, I was going to offer you ten shillings in the pound, and spare mylife; and once, God forgive me, I thought it would not be a bad plan toshoot you by 'mistake, ' do you perceave?" "Why, upon my soul, I'm very much obliged to you for your excessivelykind intentions; but really I feel you have done quite enough for me onthe present occasion. But, come now, doctor, I must get to bed, andbefore I go, promise me two things--to dine with us to-day at the mess, and not to mention a syllable of what occurred last night--it tells, believe me, very badly for both; so, keep the secret, for if theseconfounded fellows of ours ever get hold of it, I may sell out, or quit the army; I'll never hear the end of it!" "Never fear, my boy; trust me. I'll dine with you, and you're as safe asa church-mouse for any thing I'll tell them; so, now you'd better changeyour clothes, for I'm thinking it rained last night. " Muttering some very dubious blessings upon the learned Fin, I left theroom, infinitely more chagrined and chop-fallen at the discovery I hadmade, than at all the misery and exposure the trick had consigned me to;"however, " thought I, "if the doctor keep his word, it all goes well; thewhole affair is between us both solely; but, should it not be so, I mayshoot half the mess before the other half would give up quizzing me. "Revolving such pleasant thought, I betook myself to bed, and what withmulled port, and a blazing fire, became once more conscious of being awarm-blooded animal, and feel sound asleep, to dream of doctors, straitwaistcoats, shaved heads, and all the pleasing associations my latecompanion's narrative so readily suggested. CHAPTER XV. MEMS. OF THE NORTH CORK. At six o'clock I had the pleasure of presenting the worthy DoctorFinucane to our mess, taking at the same time an opportunity, unobservedby him, to inform three or four of my brother officers that my friend wasreally a character, abounding in native drollery, and richer in goodstories than even the generality of his countrymen. Nothing could possibly go on better than the early part of the evening. Fin, true to his promise, never once alluded to what I could plainlyperceive was ever uppermost in his mind, and what with his fund ofhumour, quaintness of expression, and quickness at reply, garnishedthroughout by his most mellifluous brogue, the true "Bocca Corkana, " keptus from one roar of laughter to another. It was just at the moment inwhich his spirits seemed at their highest, that I had the misfortune tocall upon him for a story, which his cousin Father Malachi had alluded toon the ever-memorable evening at his house, and which I had a greatdesire to hear from Fin's own lips. He seemed disposed to escape tellingit, and upon my continuing to press my request, drily remarked, "You forget, surely, my dear Mr. Lorrequer, the weak condition I'm in;and these gentlemen here, they don't know what a severe illness I've beenlabouring under lately, or they would not pass the decanter so freelydown this quarter. " I had barely time to throw a mingled look of entreaty and menace acrossthe table, when half-a-dozen others, rightly judging from the Doctor'stone and serio-comic expression, that his malady had many more symptomsof fun than suffering about it, called out together-- "Oh, Doctor, by all means, tell us the nature of your late attack--prayrelate it. " "With Mr. Lorrequer's permission I'm your slave, gentlemen, " said Fin, finishing off his glass. "Oh, as for me, " I cried, "Dr. Finucane has my full permission to detailwhatever he pleases to think a fit subject for your amusement. " "Come then, Doctor, Harry has no objection you see; so out with it, andwe are all prepared to sympathise with your woes and misfortunes, whatever they be. " "Well, I am sure, I never could think of mentioning it without his leave;but now that he sees no objection--Eh, do you though? if so, then, don'tbe winking and making faces at me; but say the word, and devil a syllableof it I'll tell to man or mortal. " The latter part of this delectable speech was addressed to me across thetable, in a species of stage whisper, in reply to some telegraphicsignals I had been throwing him, to induce him to turn the conversationinto any other channel. "Then, that's enough, " continued he sotto voce--"I see you'd rather I'dnot tell it. " "Tell it and be d____d, " said I, wearied by the incorrigible pertinacitywith which the villain assailed me. My most unexpected energy threw thewhole table into a roar, at the conclusion of which Fin began hisnarrative of the mail-coach adventure. I need not tell my reader, who has followed me throughout in these myConfessions, that such a story lost nothing of its absurdity, whenentrusted to the Doctor's powers of narration; he dwelt with a poet'sfeeling upon the description of his own sufferings, and my sincerecondolence and commiseration; he touched with the utmost delicacy uponthe distant hints by which he broke the news to me; but when he came todescribe my open and undisguised terror, and my secret and precipitateretreat to the roof of the coach, there was not a man at table that wasnot convulsed with laughter---and, shall I acknowledge it, even I myselfwas unable to withstand the effect, and joined in the general chorusagainst myself. "Well, " said the remorseless wretch, as he finished his story, "if yehaven't the hard hearts to laugh at such a melancholy subject. Maybe, however, you're not so cruel after all--here's a toast for you, 'a speedyrecovery to Cusack Rooney. '" This was drank amid renewed peals, with allthe honors; and I had abundant time before the uproar was over, to wishevery man of them hanged. It was to no purpose that I endeavoured toturn the tables, by describing Fin's terror at my supposed resemblance toa highwayman---his story had the precedence, and I met nothing during myrecital but sly allusions to mad dogs, muzzles, and doctors; andcontemptible puns were let off on every side at my expense. "It's little shame I take to myself for the mistake, any how, " said Fin, "for putting the darkness of the night out of question, I'm not so sure Iwould not have ugly suspicions of you by daylight. " "And besides, Doctor, " added I, "it would not be your first blunder inthe dark. " "True for you, Mr. Lorrequer, " said he, good-humouredly; "and now that Ihave told them your story, I don't care if they hear mine, though maybesome of ye have heard it already--it's pretty well known in the NorthCork. " We all gave our disclaimers on this point, and having ordered in a freshcooper of port, disposed ourselves in our most easy attitudes, while theDoctor proceeded as follows:-- "It was in the hard winter of the year __99, that we were quartered inMaynooth, as many said, for our sins--for a more stupid place, the Lordbe merciful to it, never were men condemned to. The people at thecollege were much better off than us--they had whatever was to be got inthe country, and never were disturbed by mounting guard, or nightpatrols. Many of the professors were good fellows, that liked grog fullyas well as Greek, and understood short whist, and five and ten quite asintimately as they knew the Vulgate, or the confessions of St. Augustine--they made no ostentacious display of their pious zeal, but wheneverthey were not fasting, or praying, or something of that kind, they werealways pleasant and agreeable; and to do them justice, never refused, by any chance, an invitation to dinner--no matter at what inconvenience. Well, even this little solace in our affliction we soon lost, by anunfortunate mistake of that Orange rogue of the world, Major Jones, that gave a wrong pass one night--Mr. Lorrequer knows the story, (here healluded to an adventure detailed in an early chapter of my Confessions)--and from that day forward we never saw the pleasant faces of the AbbeD'Array, or the Professor of the Humanities, at the mess. Well, the onlything I could do, was just to take an opportunity to drop in at theCollege in the evening, where we had a quiet rubber of whist, and alittle social and intellectual conversation, with maybe an oyster and aglass of punch, just to season the thing, before we separated; all donediscreetly and quietly--no shouting nor even singing, for the 'superior'had a prejudice about profane songs. Well, one of those nights it was, about the first week in February, I was detained by stress of weatherfrom 11 o'clock, when we usually bade good-night, to past twelve, andthen to one o'clock, waiting for a dry moment to get home to thebarracks--a good mile and a half off. Every time old Father Mahony wentto look at the weather, he came back saying, 'It's worse it's getting;such a night of rain, glory be to God, never was seen. ' So there was nogood in going out to be drenched to the skin, and I sat quietly waiting, taking, between times, a little punch, just not to seem impatient, nordistress their rev'rances. At last it struck two, and I thought--'well, the decanter is empty now, and I think, if I mean to walk, I've takenenough for the present;' so, wishing them all manner of happiness, andpleasant dreams, I stumbled by way down stairs, and set out on myjourney. I was always in the habit of taking a short cut on my way home, across the 'gurt na brocha, ' the priest's meadows, as they call them, itsaved nearly half a mile, although, on the present occasion, it exposedone wofully to the rain, for there was nothing to shelter against theentire way, not even a tree. Well, out I set in a half trot, for I staidso late I was pressed for time; besides, I felt it easier to run thanwalk; I'm sure I can't tell why; maybe the drop of drink I took gotinto my head. Well, I was just jogging on across the common; the rainbeating hard in my face, and my clothes pasted to me with the wet;notwithstanding, I was singing to myself a verse of an old song, tolighten the road, when I heard suddenly a noise near me, like a mansneezing. I stopped and listened, --in fact, it was impossible to seeyour hand, the night was so dark--but I could hear nothing; the thoughtthen came over me, maybe it's something 'not good, ' for there were veryugly stories going about what the priests used to do formerly in thesemeadows; and bones were often found in different parts of them. Just asI was thinking this, another voice came nearer than the last; it might beonly a sneeze, after all; but in real earnest it was mighty like a groan. 'The Lord be about us, ' I said to myself, 'what's this?--have ye thepass?' I cried out, 'have ye the pass? or what brings ye walking here, in nomine patri?' for I was so confused whether it was a 'sperit' or not, I was going to address him in Latin--there's nothing equal to the deadlanguages to lay a ghost, every body knows. Faith the moment I saidthese words he gave another groan, deeper and more melancholy like thanbefore. 'If it's uneasy ye are, ' says I, 'for any neglect of yourfriends, ' for I thought he might be in purgatory longer than he thoughtconvenient, 'tell me what you wish, and go home peaceably out of therain, for this weather can do no good to living or dead; go home, ' saidI, 'and, if it's masses ye'd like, I'll give you a day's pay myself, rather than you should fret yourself this way. ' The words were not wellout of my mouth, when he came so near me that the sigh he gave went rightthrough both my ears; 'the Lord be merciful to me, ' said I, trembling. 'Amen, ' says he, 'whether you're joking or not. ' The moment he said thatmy mind was relieved, for I knew it was not a sperit, and I began tolaugh heartily at my mistake; 'and who are ye at all?' said I, 'that'sroving about, at this hour of the night, ye can't be Father Luke, for Ileft him asleep on the carpet before I quitted the college, and faith, myfriend, if you hadn't the taste for divarsion ye would not be out now?'He coughed then so hard that I could not make out well what he said, butjust perceived that he had lost his way on the common, and was a littledisguised in liquor. 'It's a good man's case, ' said I, 'to take a littletoo much, though it's what I don't ever do myself; so, take a hold of myhand, and I'll see you safe. ' I stretched out my hand, and got him, notby the arm, as I hoped, but by the hair of the head, for he was alldripping with wet, and had lost his hat. 'Well, you'll not be better ofthis night's excursion, ' thought I, 'if ye are liable to the rheumatism;and, now, whereabouts do you live, my friend, for I'll see you safe, before I leave you?' What he said then I never could clearly make out, for the wind and rain were both beating so hard against my face that Icould not hear a word; however, I was able just to perceive that he wasvery much disguised in drink, and spoke rather thick. 'Well, nevermind, ' said I, 'it's not a time of day for much conversation; so, comealong, and I'll see you safe in the guard-house, if you can't rememberyour own place of abode in the meanwhile. ' It was just at the moment Isaid this that I first discovered he was not a gentleman. Well, now, you'd never guess how I did it; and, faith I always thought it a verycute thing of me, and both of us in the dark. " "Well, I really confess it must have been a very difficult thing, underthe circumstances; pray how did you contrive?" said the major. "Just guess how. " "By the tone of his voice perhaps, and his accent, " said Curzon. "Devil a bit, for he spoke remarkably well, considering how far gone hewas in liquor. " "Well, probably by the touch of his hand; no bad test. " "No; you're wrong again, for it was by the hair I had a hold of him forfear of falling, for he was always stooping down. Well, you'd neverguess it; it was just by the touch of his foot. " "His foot! Why how did that give you any information?" "There it is now; that's just what only an Irishman would ever have madeany thing out of; for while he was stumbling about, he happened to treadupon my toes, and never, since I was born, did I feel any thing like theweight of him. 'Well, ' said I, 'the loss of your hat may give you acold, my friend; but upon my conscience you are in no danger of wet feetwith such a pair of strong brogues as you have on you. ' Well, he laughedat that till I thought he'd split his sides, and, in good truth, I couldnot help joining in the fun, although my foot was smarting like mad, andso we jogged along through the rain, enjoying the joke just as if we weresitting by a good fire, with a jorum of punch between us. I am sure Ican't tell you how often we fell that night, but my clothes the nextmorning were absolutely covered with mud, and my hat crushed in two; forhe was so confoundedly drunk it was impossible to keep him up, and healways kept boring along with his head down, so that my heart was almostbroke in keeping him upon his legs. I'm sure I never had a morefatiguing march in the whole Peninsula, than that blessed mile and ahalf; but every misfortune has an end at last, and it was four o'clock, striking by the college clock, as we reached the barracks. Afterknocking a couple of times, and giving the countersign, the sentry openedthe small wicket, and my heart actually leaped with joy that I had donewith my friend; so, I just called out the sergeant of the guard, andsaid, 'will you put that poor fellow on the guard-bed till morning, for Ifound him on the common, and he could neither find his way home nor tellme where he lived. ' 'And where is he?' said the sergeant. 'He's outsidethe gate there, ' said I, 'wet to the skin, and shaking as if he had theague. ' 'And is this him?' said the sergeant as we went outside. 'Itis, ' said I, 'maybe you know him?' 'Maybe I've a guess, ' said he, bursting into a fit of laughing, that I thought he'd choke with. 'Well, sergeant, ' said I, 'I always took you for a humane man; but, if that'sthe way you treat a fellow-creature in distress. ' 'A fellow-creature, 'said he, laughing louder than before. 'Ay, a fellow-creature, ' said I--for the sergeant was an orangeman--'and if he differs from you inmatters of religion, sure he's your fellow-creature still. ' 'Troth, Doctor, I think there's another trifling difference betune us, ' said he. 'Damn your politics, ' said I; 'never let them interfere with truehumanity. ' Wasn't I right, Major? 'Take good care of him, and there's ahalf-a-crown for ye. ' So saying these words, I steered along by thebarrack wall, and, after a little groping about, got up stairs to myquarters, when, thanks to a naturally good constitution, and regularhabits of life, I soon fell fast asleep. " When the Doctor had said thus much, he pushed his chair slightly from thetable, and, taking off his wine, looked about him with the composure of aman who has brought his tale to a termination. "Well, but Doctor, " said the Major, "you are surely not done. You havenot yet told us who your interesting friend turned out to be. " "That's the very thing, then, I'm not able to do. " "But, of course, " said another, "your story does not end there. " "And where the devil would you have it end?" replied he. "Didn't I bringmy hero home, and go asleep afterwards myself, and then, with virtuerewarded, how could I finish it better?" "Oh, of course; but still you have not accounted for a principalcharacter in the narrative, " said I. "Exactly so, " said Curzon. "We were all expecting some splendidcatastrophe in the morning; that your companion turned out to be the Dukeof Leinster, at least--or perhaps a rebel general, with an immense priceupon his head. " "Neither the one nor the other, " said Fin, drily. "And do you mean to say there never was any clue to the discovery ofhim?" "The entire affair is wrapt in mystery to this hour, " said he. "Therewas a joke about it, to be sure, among the officers; but the North Corknever wanted something to laugh at. " "And what was the joke?" said several voices together. "Just a complaint from old Mickey Oulahan, the postmaster, to theColonel, in the morning, that some of the officers took away his blindmare off the common, and that the letters were late in consequence. " "And so, Doctor, " called out seven or eight, "your friend turned out tobe--" "Upon my conscience they said so, and that rascal, the serjeant, wouldtake his oath of it; but my own impression I'll never disclose to thehour of my death. " CHAPTER XVI. THEATRICALS. Our seance at the mess that night was a late one, for after we haddiscussed some coopers of claret, there was a very general public feelingin favour of a broiled bone and some devilled kidneys, followed by a veryample bowl of bishop, over which simple condiments we talked "green room"till near the break of day. From having been so long away from the corps I had much to learn of theirdoings and intentions to do, and heard with much pleasure that theypossessed an exceedingly handsome theatre, well stocked with scenery, dresses, and decorations; that they were at the pinnacle of publicestimation, from what they had already accomplished, and calculated onthe result of my appearance to crown them with honour. I had indeed verylittle choice left me in the matter; for not only had they booked me fora particular part, but bills were already in circulation, and sundrylittle three-cornered notes enveloping them, were sent to the elite ofthe surrounding country, setting forth that "on Friday evening thecommittee of the garrison theatricals, intending to perform a dressrehearsal of the 'Family Party, ' request the pleasure of Mr. ____ andMrs. ____'s company on the occasion. Mr. Lorrequer will undertake thepart of Captain Beauguarde. Supper at twelve. An answer will oblige. " The sight of one of these pleasant little epistles, of which theforegoing is a true copy--was presented to me as a great favour thatevening, it having been agreed upon that I was to know nothing of theirhigh and mighty resolves till the following morning. It was to littlepurpose that I assured them all, collectively and individually, that ofCaptain Beauguarde I absolutely knew nothing--had never read the piece--nor even seen it performed. I felt, too, that my last appearance incharacter in a "Family Party, " was any thing but successful; and Itrembled lest, in the discussion of the subject, some confounded allusionto my adventure at Cheltenham might come out. Happily they seemed allignorant of this; and fearing to bring conversation in any way to thematter of my late travels, I fell in with their humour, and agreed thatif it were possible, in the limited time allowed me to manage it--I hadbut four days--I should undertake the character. My concurrence failedto give the full satisfaction I expected, and they so habitually did whatthey pleased with me, that, like all men so disposed, I never got thecredit for concession which a man more niggardly of his services mayalways command. "To be sure you will do it, Harry, " said the Major, "why not? I couldlearn the thing myself in a couple of hours, as for that. " Now, be it known that the aforesaid Major was so incorrigibly slow ofstudy, and dull of comprehension, that he had been successively degradedat our theatrical board from the delivering of a stage message to theoffice of check-taker. "He's so devilish good in the love scene, " said the junior ensign, withthe white eyebrows. "I say, Curzon, you'll be confoundedly jealousthough, for he is to play with Fanny. " "I rather think not, " said Curzon, who was a little tipsy. "Oh, yes, " said Frazer, "Hepton is right. Lorrequer has Fanny for his'Frou;' and, upon my soul, I should feel tempted to take the part myselfupon the same terms; though I verily believe I should forget I wasacting, and make fierce love to her on the stage. " "And who may la charmante Fanny be?" said I, with something of the air ofthe "Dey of Algiers" in my tone. "Let Curzon tell him, " said several voices together, "he is the only mato do justice to such perfection. " "Quiz away, my merry men, " said Cruzon, "all I know is, that you are aconfoundedly envious set of fellows; and if so lovely a girl had thrownher eyes on one amongst you--" "Hip! hip! hurrah!" said old Fitzgerald, "Curzon is a gone man. He'll beoff to the palace for a license some fine morning, or I know nothing ofsuch matters. " "Well, Bat, " said I, "if matters are really as you all say, why does notCurzon take the part you destine for me?" "We dare not trust him, " said the Major, "Lord bless you, when thecall-boy would sing out for Captain Beaugarde in the second act, we'dfind that he had Levanted with our best slashed trowsers, and a bird ofparadise feather in his cap. " "Well, " thought I, "this is better at least than I anticipated, for ifnothing else offers, I shall have rare fun teasing my friend Charley"--for it was evident that he had been caught by the lady in question. "And so you'll stay with us; give me your hand--you are a real trump. "These words, which proceeded from a voice at the lower end of the table, were addressed to my friend Finucane. "I'll stay with ye, upon my conscience, " said Fin; "ye have a mostseductive way about ye; and a very superior taste in milk punch. " "But, Doctor, " said I, "you must not be a drone in the hive; what will yedo for us? You should be a capital Sir Lucius O'Trigger, if we could getup the Rivals. " "My forte is the drum--the big drum; put me among what the Greeks callthe 'Mousikoi, ' and I'll astonish ye. " It was at once agreed that Fin should follow the bent of his genius; andafter some other arrangements for the rest of the party, we separated forthe night, having previously toasted the "Fanny, " to which Curzonattempted to reply, but sank, overpowered by punch and feelings, andlooked unutterable things, without the power to frame a sentence. During the time which intervened between the dinner and the nightappointed for our rehearsal, I had more business upon my hands than aChancellor of the Exchequer the week of the budget being produced. Thewhole management of every department fell, as usual, to my share, andall those who, previously to my arrival, had contributed their quota oflabour, did nothing whatever now but lounge about the stage, or sit halfthe day in the orchestra, listening to some confounded story ofFinucane's, who contrived to have an everlasting mob of actors, scene-painters, fiddlers, and call-boys always about him, who, from theiruproarious mirth, and repeated shouts of merriment, nearly drove medistracted, as I stood almost alone and unassisted in the wholemanagement. Of la belle Fanny, all I learned was, that she was aprofessional actress of very considerable talent, and extremely pretty;that Curzon had fallen desperately in love with her the only night shehad appeared on the boards there, and that to avoid his absurdpersecution of her, she had determined not to come into town until themorning of the rehearsal, she being at that time on a visit to the houseof a country gentleman in the neighbourhood. Here was a new difficulty Ihad to contend with--to go through my part alone was out of the questionto making it effective; and I felt so worried and harassed that I oftenfairly resolved on taking the wings of the mail, and flying away to theuttermost parts of the south of Ireland, till all was tranquil again. By degrees, however, I got matters into better train, and by getting ourrehearsal early before Fin appeared, as he usually slept somewhat laterafter his night at mess, I managed to have things in something likeorder; he and his confounded drum, which, whenever he was notstory-telling, he was sure to be practising on, being, in fact thegreatest difficulties opposed to my managerial functions. One propertyhe possessed, so totally at variance with all habits of order, that itcompletely baffled me. So numerous were his narratives, that nooccasion could possibly arise, no chance expression be let fall on thestage, but Fin had something he deemed, apropos, and which, sans facon, he at once related for the benefit of all whom it might concern; thatwas usually the entire corps dramatique, who eagerly turned from stagedirections and groupings, to laugh at his ridiculous jests. I shallgive an instance of this habit of interruption, and let the unhappywight who has filled such an office as mine pity my woes. I was standing one morning on the stage drilling my "corps" as usual. One most refractory spirit, to whom but a few words were entrusted, andwho bungled even those, I was endeavouring to train into something likehis part. "Come now, Elsmore, try it again--just so. Yes, come forward in thismanner--take her hand tenderly--press it to your lips; retreat towardsthe flat, and then bowing deferentially--thus, say 'Good night, goodnight'--that's very simple, eh? Well, now that's all you have to do, andthat brings you over here--so you make your exit at once. " "Exactly so, Mr. Elsmore, always contrive to be near the door under suchcircumstances. That was the way with my poor friend, Curran. PoorPhilpot, when he dined with the Guild of Merchant Tailors, they gave hima gold box with their arms upon it--a goose proper, with needles saltierwise, or something of that kind; and they made him free of their 'ancientand loyal corporation, ' and gave him a very grand dinner. Well, Curranwas mighty pleasant and agreeable, and kept them laughing all night, tillthe moment he rose to go away, and then he told them that he never spentso happy an evening, and all that. 'But, gentlemen, ' said he, 'businesshas its calls, and I must tear myself away; so wishing you now'--therewere just eighteen of them--'wishing you now every happiness andprosperity, permit me to take my leave'--and here he stole near the door--'to take my leave, and bid you both good night. '" With a running fireof such stories, it may be supposed how difficult was my task in gettingany thing done upon the stage. Well, at last the long-expected Friday arrived, and I rose in the morningwith all that peculiar tourbillon of spirits that a man feels when he ishalf pleased and whole frightened with the labour before him. I hadscarcely accomplished dressing when a servant tapped at my door, andbegged to know if I could spare a few moments to speak to Miss Ersler, who was in the drawing-room. I replied, of course, in the affirmative, and, rightly conjecturing that my fair friend must be the lovely Fannyalready alluded to, followed the servant down stairs. "Mr. Lorrequer, " said the servant, and closing the door behind me, leftme in sole possession of the lady. "Will you do me the favour to sit here, Mr. Lorrequer, " said one of thesweetest voices in the world, as she made room for me on the sofa besideher. "I am particularly short-sighted; so pray sit near me, as I reallycannot talk to any one I don't see. " I blundered out some platitude of a compliment to her eyes--the fullestand most lovely blue that ever man gazed into--at which she smiled as ifpleased, and continued, "Now, Mr. Lorrequer, I have really been longingfor your coming; for your friends of the 4_th are doubtless very dashing, spirited young gentlemen, perfectly versed in war's alarms; but pardon meif I say that a more wretched company of strolling wretches never graceda barn. Now, come, don't be angry, but let me proceed. Like all amateurpeople, they have the happy knack in distributing the characters--to putevery man in his most unsuitable position--and then that poor dear thingCurzon--I hope he's not a friend of yours--by some dire fatality alwaysplays the lover's parts, ha! ha! ha! True, I assure you, so that if youhad not been announced as coming this week, I should have left them andgone off to Bath. " Here she rose and adjusted her brown ringlets at the glass, giving meample time to admire one of the most perfect figures I ever beheld. Shewas most becomingly dressed, and betrayed a foot and ancle which forsymmetry and "chaussure, " might have challenged the Rue Rivoli itself tomatch it. My first thought was poor Curzon; my second, happy and trice fortunateHarry Lorrequer. There was no time, however, for indulgence in such verypardonable gratulation; so I at once proceeded "pour faire l'aimable, " toprofess my utter inability to do justice to her undoubted talents, butslyly added, "that in the love making part of the matter she should neverbe able to discover that I was not in earnest. " We chatted then gaily forupwards of an hour, until the arrival of her friend's carriage wasannounced, when, tendering me most graciously her hand, she smiledbenignly and saying "au revoir, donc, " drove off. As I stood upon the steps of the hotel, viewing her "out of the visiblehorizon, " I was joined by Curzon, who evidently, from his self-satisfiedair, and jaunty gait, little knew how he stood in the fair Fanny'sestimation. "Very pretty, very pretty, indeed, deeper and deeper still, " cried he, alluding to my most courteous salutation as the carriage rounded thecorner, and it lovely occupant kissed her hand once more. "I say Harry, my friend, you don't think that was meant for you, I should hope?" "What! the kiss of the hand? Yes, faith, but I do. " "Well, certainly that is good! why, man, she just saw me coming up thatinstant. She and I--we understand each other--never mind, don't becross--no fault of yours, you know. " "Ah, so she is taken with you, " said I. "Eh, Charley?" "Why, I believe that. I may confess to you the real state of matters. She was devilishly struck with me the first time we rehearsed together. We soon got up a little flirtation; but the other night when I playedMirabel to her, it finished the affair. She was quite nervous, and couldscarcely go through with her part. I saw it, and upon my soul I am sorryfor it; she's a prodigiously fine girl--such lips and such teeth! EgadI was delighted when you came; for, you see, I was in a manner obligedto take one line of character, and I saw pretty plainly where it mustend; and you know with you it's quite different, she'll laugh and chat, and all that sort of thing, but she'll not be carried away by herfeelings; you understand me?" "Oh, perfectly; it's quite different, as you observed. " If I had not been supported internally during this short dialogue by therecently expressed opinion of the dear Fanny herself upon my friendCurzon's merits, I think I should have been tempted to take the libertyof wringing his neck off. However, the affair was much better as itstood, as I had only to wait a little with proper patience, and I had nofears but that my friend Charley would become the hero of a very prettyepisode for the mess. "So I suppose you must feel considerably bored by this kind of thing, " Isaid, endeavouring to draw him out. "Why, I do, " replied he, "and I do not. The girl is very pretty. Theplace is dull in the morning; and altogether it helps to fill up time. " "Well, " said I, "you are always fortunate, Curzon. You have ever yourshare of what floating luck the world affords. " "It is not exactly all luck, my dear friend; for, as I shall explain toyou--" "Not now, " replied I, "for I have not yet breakfasted. " So saying Iturned into the coffee-room, leaving the worthy adjutant to revel in hisfancied conquest, and pity such unfortunates as myself. After an early dinner at the club-house, I hastened down to the theatre, where numerous preparations for the night were going forward. Thegreen-room was devoted to the office of a supper-room, to which theaudience had been invited. The dressing-rooms were many of them filledwith the viands destined for the entertainment. Where, among the woodenfowls and "impracticable" flagons, were to be seen very imposing pastiesand flasks of champaigne, littered together in most admirable disorder. The confusion naturally incidental to all private theatricals, wasten-fold increased by the circumstances of our projected supper. Cooksand scene-shifters, fiddlers and waiters, were most inextricablymingled; and as in all similar cases, the least important functionariestook the greatest airs upon them, and appropriated without hesitationwhatever came to their hands--thus the cook would not have scrupled tolight a fire with the violoncello of the orchestra; and I actuallycaught one of the "gens de cuisine" making a "soufflet" in a brasshelmet I had once worn when astonishing the world as Coriolanus. Six o'clock struck. In another short hour and we begin, thought I, witha sinking heart, as I looked upon the littered stage crowded with hostsof fellows that had nothing to do there. Figaro himself never wished forubiquity more than I did, as I hastened from place to place, entreating, cursing, begging, scolding, execrating, and imploring by turns. To mendthe matter, the devils in the orchestra had begun to tune theirinstruments, and I had to bawl like a boatswain of a man-of-war, to beheard by the person beside me. As seven o'clock struck, I peeped through the small aperture in thecurtain, and saw, to my satisfaction, mingled, I confess, with fear, thatthe house was nearly filled--the lower tier of boxes entirely so. Therewere a great many ladies handsomely dressed, chatting gaily with theirchaperons, and I recognised some of my acquaintances on every side; infact, there was scarcely a family of rank in the county that had not atleast some member of it present. As the orchestra struck up the overtureto Don Giovanni, I retired from my place to inspect the arrangementsbehind. Before the performance of the "Family Party, " we were to have a littleone-act piece called "a day in Madrid, " written by myself--the principalcharacters being expressly composed for "Miss Ersler and Mr. Lorrequer. " The story of this trifle, it is not necessary to allude to; indeed, if itwere, I should scarcely have patience to do so, so connected is myrecollection of it with the distressing incident which followed. In the first scene of the piece, the curtain rising displays la belleFanny sitting at her embroidery in the midst of a beautiful garden, surrounded with statues, fountains, &c. At the back is seen a pavillionin the ancient Moorish style of architecture, over which hang thebranches of some large and shady trees--she comes forward, expressing herimpatience at the delay of her lover, whose absence she tortures herselfto account for by a hundred different suppositions, and after a verysufficient expose of her feelings, and some little explanatory details ofher private history, conveying a very clear intimation of her ownamiability, and her guardian's cruelty, she proceeds, after the fashionof other young ladies similarly situated, to give utterance to herfeelings by a song; after, therefore, a suitable prelude from theorchestra, for which, considering the impassioned state of her mind, shewaits patiently, she comes forward and begins a melody-- "Oh why is he far from the heart that adores him?" in which, for two verses, she proceeds with sundry sol feggio's, toaccount for the circumstances, and show her disbelief of the explanationin a very satisfactory manner, --meanwhile, for I must not expose myreader to an anxiety on my account, similar to what the dear Fanny herelaboured under, I was making the necessary preparations for flying to herpresence, and clasping her to my heart--that is to say, I had alreadygummed on a pair of mustachios, had corked and arched a ferocious pair ofeyebrows, which, with my rouged cheeks, gave me a look half Whiskerando, half Grimaldi; these operations were performed, from the stress ofcircumstances, sufficiently near the object of my affections, to affordme the pleasing satisfaction of hearing from her own sweet lips, hersolicitude about me--in a word, all the dressing-rooms but two werefilled with hampers of provisions, glass, china, and crockery, and fromabsolute necessity, I had no other spot where I could attire myselfunseen, except in the identical pavillion already alluded to--here, however, I was quite secure, and had abundant time also, for I was not toappear till scene the second, when I was to come forward in full Spanishcostume, "every inch a Hidalgo. " Meantime, Fanny had been singing-- "Oh why is he far, " &c. &c. At the conclusion of the last verse, just as she repeats the words "why, why, why, " in a very distracted and melting cadence, a voice behindstartles her--she turns and beholds her guardian--so at least run thecourse of events in the real drama--that it should follow thus nowhowever, "Dus aliter visum"--for just as she came to the very movingapostrophe alluded to, and called out, "why comes he not?"--a gruff voicefrom behind answered in a strong Cork brogue--"ah! would ye have him comein a state of nature?" at the instant a loud whistle rang through thehouse, and the pavillion scene slowly drew up, discovering me, HarryLorrequer, seated on a small stool before a cracked looking-glass, myonly habiliments, as I am an honest man, being a pair of long white silkstockings, and a very richly embroidered shirt with point lace collar. The shouts of laughter are yet in my ears, the loud roar ofinextinguishable mirth, which after the first brief pause of astonishmentgave way, shook the entire building--my recollection may well have beenconfused at such a moment of unutterable shame and misery; yet, I clearlyremember seeing Fanny, the sweet Fanny herself, fall into an arm-chairnearly suffocated with convulsions of laughter. I cannot go on; what Idid I know not. I suppose my exit was additionally ludicrous, for a neweclat de rire followed me out. I rushed out of the theatre, and wrappingonly my cloak round me, ran without stopping to the barracks. But I mustcease; these are woes too sacred for even confessions like mine, so letme close the curtain of my room and my chapter together, and say, adieufor a season. CHAPTER XVIb. [Note: There are two Chapter XVIs. In the table of contents, this onehas an asterisk but no explanation. ] THE WAGER. It might have been about six weeks after the events detailed in my lastchapter had occurred, that Curzon broke suddenly into my room one morningbefore I had risen, and throwing a precautionary glance around, as if toassure himself that we were alone, seized my hand with a most unusualearnestness, and, steadfastly looking at me, said-- "Harry Lorrequer, will you stand by me?" So sudden and unexpected was his appearance at the moment, that I reallyfelt but half awake, and kept puzzling myself for an explanation of thescene, rather than thinking of a reply to his question; perceiving which, and auguring but badly from my silence, he continued-- "Am I then, really deceived in what I believed to be an old and triedfriend?" "Why, what the devil's the matter?" I cried out. "If you are in ascrape, why of course you know I'm your man; but, still, it's only fairto let one know something of the matter in the meanwhile. " "In a scrape!" said he, with a long-drawn sigh, intended to beat thewhole Minerva press in its romantic cadence. "Well, but get on a bit, " said I, rather impatiently; "who is the fellowyou've got the row with? Not one of ours, I trust?" "Ah, my dear Hal, " said he, in the same melting tone as before--"How yourimagination does run upon rows, and broils, and duelling rencontres, "(he, the speaker, be it known to the reader, was the fire-eater of theregiment, ) "as if life had nothing better to offer than the excitement ofa challenge, or the mock heroism of a meeting. " As he made a dead pause here, after which he showed no disposition tocontinue, I merely added-- "Well, at this rate of proceeding we shall get at the matter in hand, onour way out to Corfu, for I hear we are the next regiment for theMediterranean. " The observation seemed to have some effect in rousing him from hislethargy, and he added-- "If you only knew the nature of the attachment, and how completely all myfuture hopes are concerned upon the issue--" "Ho!" said I, "so it's a money affair, is it? and is it old Watson hasissued the writ? I'll bet a hundred. " "Well, upon my soul, Lorrequer, " said he, jumping from his chair, andspeaking with more energy than he had before evinced, "you are, withoutexception, the most worldly-minded, cold-blooded fellow I ever met. Whathave I said that could have led you to suppose I had either a duel or alaw-suit upon my hands this morning? Learn, once and for all, man, thatI am in love--desperately and over head and ears in love. " "Et puis, " said I coolly. "And intend to marry immediately. " "Oh, very well, " said I; "the fighting and debt will come later, that'sall. But to return--now for the lady. " "Come, you must make a guess. " "Why, then, I really must confess my utter inability; for your attentionshave been so generally and impartially distributed since our arrivalhere, that it may be any fair one, from your venerable partner at whistlast evening, to Mrs. Henderson, the pastry-cook inclusive, for whosemacaroni and cherry-brandy your feelings have been as warm as they areconstant. " "Come, no more quizzing, Hal. You surely must have remarked that lovelygirl I waltzed with at Power's ball on Tuesday last. " "Lovely girl! Why, in all seriousness, you don't mean the small womanwith the tow wig?" "No, I do not mean any such thing--but a beautiful creature, with thebrightest locks in Christendom--the very light-brown waving ringlets, Dominicheno loved to paint, and a foot--did you see her foot?" "No; that was rather difficult, for she kept continually bobbing up anddown, like a boy's cork-float in a fish-pond. " "Stop there. I shall not permit this any longer--I came not here tolisten to--" "But, Curzon, my boy, you're not angry?" "Yes, sir, I am angry. " "Why, surely, you have not been serious all this time?" "And why not, pray?" "Oh! I don't exactly know--that is, faith I scarcely thought you were inearnest, for if I did, of course I should honestly have confessed to youthat the lady in question struck me as one of the handsomest persons Iever met. " "You think so really, Hal?" "Certainly I do, and the opinion is not mine alone; she is, in factuniversally admired. " "Come, Harry, excuse my bad temper. I ought to have known you better--give me your hand, old boy, and wish me joy, for with you aiding andabetting she is mine to-morrow morning. " I wrung his hand heartily--congratulating myself, meanwhile, how happilyI had got out of my scrape; as I now, for the first time, perceived thatCurzon was bona fide in earnest. "So, you will stand by me, Hal, " said he. "Of course. Only show me how, and I'm perfectly at your service. Any thing from riding postillion on the leaders to officiating asbrides-maid, and I am your man. And if you are in want of such afunctionary, I shall stand in 'loco parentis' to the lady, and give heraway with as much 'onction' and tenderness as tho' I had as manymarriageable daughters as king Priam himself. It is with me in marriageas in duelling--I'll be any thing rather than a principal; and I havelong since disapproved of either method as a means of 'obtainingsatisfaction. '" "Ah, Harry, I shall not be discouraged by your sneers. You've beenrather unlucky, I'm aware; but now to return: Your office, on thisoccasion, is an exceedingly simple one, and yet that which I could onlyconfide to one as much my friend as yourself. You must carry my dearestLouisa off. " "Carry her off! Where?--when?--how?" "All that I have already arranged, as you shall hear. " "Yes. But first of all please to explain why, if going to run away withthe lady, you don't accompany her yourself. " "Ah! I knew you would say that, I could have laid a wager you'd ask thatquestion, for it is just that very explanation will show all the nativedelicacy and feminine propriety of my darling Loo; and first, I must tellyou, that old Sir Alfred Jonson, her father, has some confoundedprejudice against the army, and never would consent to her marriage witha red-coat--so that, his consent being out of the question, our onlyresource is an elopement. Louisa consents to this, but only upon onecondition--and this she insists upon so firmly--I had almost saidobstinately--that, notwithstanding all my arguments and representations, and even entreaties against it, she remains inflexible; so that I have atlength yielded, and she is to have her own way. " "Well, and what is the condition she lays such stress upon?" "Simply this--that we are never to travel a mile together until I obtainmy right to do so, by making her my wife. She has got some trumperynotions in her head that any slight transgression over the bounds ofdelicacy made by women before marriage is ever after remembered by thehusband to their disadvantage, and she is, therefore, resolved not tosacrifice her principle even at such a crisis as the present. " "All very proper, I have no doubt; but still, pray explain what Iconfess appears somewhat strange to me at present. How does so verydelicately-minded a person reconcile herself to travelling with a perfectstranger under such circumstances?" "That I can explain perfectly to you. You must know that when my darlingLoo consented to take this step, which I induced her to do with thegreatest difficulty, she made the proviso I have just mentioned; I atonce showed her that I had no maiden aunt or married sister to confideher to at such a moment, and what was to be done? She immediatelyreplied, 'Have you no elderly brother officer, whose years and discretionwill put the transaction in such a light as to silence the slanderoustongues of the world, for with such a man I am quite ready and willing totrust myself. ' You see I was hard pushed there. What could I do?--whomcould I select? Old Hayes, the paymaster, is always tipsy; Jones isfive-and-forty--but egad! I'm not so sure I'd have found my betrothed atthe end of the stage. You were my only hope; I knew I could rely uponyou. You would carry on the whole affair with tact and discretion; andas to age, your stage experience would enable you, with a littleassistance from costume, to pass muster; besides that, I have alwaysrepresented you as the very Methuselah of the corps; and in the grey dawnof an autumnal morning--with maiden bashfulness assisting--the scrutinyis not likely to be a close one. So, now, your consent is alone wantingto complete the arrangements which, before this time to-morrow, shallhave made me the happiest of mortals. " Having expressed, in fitting terms, my full sense of obligation for thedelicate flattery with which he pictured me as "Old Lorrequer" to theLady, I begged a more detailed account of his plan, which I shall shortenfor my reader's sake, by the following brief expose. A post-chaise and four was to be in waiting at five o'clock in themorning to convey me to Sir Alfred Jonson's residence, about twelve milesdistant. There I was to be met by a lady at the gate-lodge, who wassubsequently to accompany me to a small village on the Nore, where an oldcollege friend of Curzon's happened to reside, as parson, and by whom thetreaty was to be concluded. This was all simple and clear enough--the only condition necessary toinsure success being punctuality, particularly on the lady's part. As tomine I readily promised my best aid and warmest efforts in my friend'sbehalf. "There is only one thing more, " said Curzon. "Louisa's younger brotheris a devilish hot-headed, wild sort of a fellow; and it would be as well, just for precaution sake, to have your pistols along with you, if, by anychance, he should make out what was going forward--not but that you knowif any thing serious was to take place, I should be the person to takeall that upon my hands. " "Oh! of course--I understand, " said I. Meanwhile I could not helprunning over in my mind the pleasant possibilities such an adventurepresented, heartily wishing that Curzon had been content to marry by bansor any other of the legitimate modes in use, without risking his friend'sbones. The other pros and cons of the matter, with full and accuratedirections as to the road to be taken on obtaining possession of thelady, being all arranged, we parted, I to settle my costume andappearance for my first performance in an old man's part, and Curzon toobtain a short leave for a few days from the commanding officer of theregiment. When we again met, which was at the mess-table, it was not withoutevidence on either side of that peculiar consciousness which persons feelwho have, or think they have, some secret in common, which the world wotsnot of. Curzon's unusually quick and excited manner would at once havestruck any close observer as indicating the eve of some important step, no less than continual allusions to whatever was going on, by sly andequivocal jokes and ambiguous jests. Happily, however, on the presentoccasion, the party were otherwise occupied than watching him--being mostprofoundly and learnedly engaged in discussing medicine and mattersmedical with all the acute and accurate knowledge which characterisessuch discussions among the non-medical public. The present conversation originated from some mention our senior surgeonFitzgerald had just made of a consultation which he was invited to attendon the next morning, at the distance of twenty miles, and whichnecessitated him to start at a most uncomfortably early hour. While hecontinued to deplore the hard fate of such men as himself, so eagerlysought after by the world, that their own hours were eternally broken inupon by external claims, the juniors were not sparing of their mirth onthe occasion, at the expense of the worthy doctor, who, in plain truth, had never been disturbed by a request like the present within any one'smemory. Some asserted that the whole thing was a puff, got up by Fitz. Himself, who was only going to have a day's partridge-shooting; othershinting that it was a blind to escape the vigilance of Mrs. Fitzgerald--a well-known virago in the regiment--while Fitz. Enjoyed himself; anda third party, pretending to sympathise with the doctor, suggested thata hundred pounds would be the least he could possibly be offered forsuch services as his on so grave an occasion. "No, no, only fifty, " said Fitz. Gravely. "Fifty! Why, you tremendous old humbug, you don't mean to say you'llmake fifty pounds before we are out of our beds in the morning?" criedone. "I'll take your bet on it, " said the doctor, who had, in this instance, reason to suppose his fee would be a large one. During this discussion, the claret had been pushed round rather freely;and fully bent, as I was, upon the adventure before me, I had taken myshare of it as a preparation. I thought of the amazing prize I was aboutto be instrumental in securing for my friend--for the lady had reallythirty thousand pounds--and I could not conceal my triumph at such aprospect of success in comparison with the meaner object of ambition. They all seemed to envy poor Fitzgerald. I struggled with my secret forsome time--but my pride and the claret together got the better of me, andI called out, "Fifty pounds on it, then, that before ten to-morrowmorning, I'll make a better hit of it than you--and the mess shall decidebetween us afterwards as to the winner. " "And if you will, " said I, seeing some reluctance on Fitz. 's part to takethe wager, and getting emboldened in consequence, "let the judgment bepronounced over a couple of dozen of champaigne, paid by the loser. " This was a coup d'etat on my part, for I knew at once there were so manyparties to benefit by the bet, terminate which way it might, there couldbe no possibility of evading it. My ruse succeeded, and poor Fitzgerald, fairly badgered into a wager, the terms of which he could not in theleast comprehend, was obliged to sign the conditions inserted in theadjutant's note-book--his greatest hope in so doing being in the quantityof wine he had seen me drink during the evening. As for myself, the betwas no sooner made than I began to think upon the very little chance Ihad of winning it; for even supposing my success perfect in thedepartment allotted to me, it might with great reason be doubted whatpeculiar benefit I myself derived as a counterbalance to the fee of thedoctor. For this, my only trust lay in the justice of a decision which Iconjectured would lean more towards the goodness of a practical joke thanthe equity of the transaction. The party at mess soon after separated, and I wished my friend good night for the last time before meeting him asa bride-groom. I arranged every thing in order for my start. My pistol-case I placedconspicuously before me, to avoid being forgotten in the haste ofdeparture; and, having ordered my servant to sit up all night in theguard-room until he heard the carriage at the barrack-gate, threw myselfon my bed, but not to sleep. The adventure I was about to engage insuggested to my mind a thousand associations, into which many of thescenes I have already narrated entered. I thought how frequently I hadmyself been on the verge of that state which Curzon was about to try, andhow it always happened that when nearest to success, failure hadintervened. From my very school-boy days my love adventures had the sameunfortunate abruptness in their issue; and there seemed to be somethingvery like a fatality in the invariable unsuccess of my efforts atmarriage. I feared, too, that my friend Curzon had placed himself invery unfortunate hands--if augury were to be relied upon. Something willsurely happen, thought I, from my confounded ill luck, and all will beblown up. Wearied at last with thinking I fell into a sound sleep forabout three-quarters of an hour, at the end of which I was awoke by myservant informing me that a chaise and four were drawn up at the end ofthe barrack lane. "Why, surely, they are too early, Stubber? It's only four o'clock. " "Yes, sir; but they say that the road for eight miles is very bad, andthey must go it almost at a walk. " That is certainly pleasant, thought I, but I'm in for it now, so can'thelp it. In a few minutes I was up and dressed, and so perfectly transformed bythe addition of a brown scratch-wig and large green spectacles, and adeep-flapped waistcoat, that my servant, on re-entering my room, couldnot recognise me. I followed him now across the barrack-yard, as, withmy pistol-case under one arm and a lantern in his hand, he proceeded tothe barrack-gate. As I passed beneath the adjutant's window, I saw a light--the sash wasquickly thrown open, and Curzon appeared. "Is that you, Harry?" "Yes--when do you start?" "In about two hours. I've only eight miles to go--you have upwards oftwelve, and no time to lose. God bless you, my boy--we'll meet soon. " "Here's the carriage, sir; this way. " "Well, my lads, you know the road I suppose?" "Every inch of it, your honour's glory; we're always coming it fordoctors and 'pothecaries; they're never a week without them. " I was soon seated, the door clapped to, and the words "all right" given, and away we went. Little as I had slept during the night, my mind was too much occupiedwith the adventure I was engaged in, to permit any thoughts of sleep now, so that I had abundant opportunity afforded me of pondering over all thebearings of the case, with much more of deliberation and caution than Ihad yet bestowed upon it. One thing was certain, whether success did ordid not attend our undertaking, the risk was mine and mine only; and ifby any accident the affair should be already known to the family, I stooda very fair chance of being shot by one of the sons, or stoned to deathby the tenantry; while my excellent friend Curzon should be eating hisbreakfast with his reverend friend, and only interrupting himself in hisfourth muffin, to wonder "what could keep them;" and besides for minormiseries will, like the little devils in Don Giovanni, thrust up theirheads among their better-grown brethren, my fifty-pound bet looked ratherblue; for even under the most favourable light considered, however Curzonmight be esteemed a gainer, it might be well doubted how far I hadsucceeded better than the doctor, when producing his fee in evidence. Well, well, I'm in for it now; but it certainly is strange, all thesevery awkward circumstances never struck me so forcibly before; and afterall, it was not quite fair of Curzon to put any man forward in such atransaction; the more so, as such a representation might be made of it atthe Horse-Guards as to stop a man's promotion, or seriously affect hisprospects for life, and I at last began to convince myself that many aman so placed, would carry the lady off himself, and leave the adjutantto settle the affair with the family. For two mortal hours did I conjureup every possible disagreeable contingency that might arise. My beingmulcted of my fifty and laughed at by the mess seemed inevitable, evenwere I fortunate enough to escape a duel with the fire-eating brother. Meanwhile a thick misty rain continued to fall, adding so much to thedarkness of the early hour, that I could see nothing of the country aboutme, and knew nothing of where I was. Troubles are like laudanum, a small dose only excites, a strong one setsyou to sleep--not a very comfortable sleep mayhap--but still it is sleep, and often very sound sleep; so it now happened with me. I had ponderedover, weighed, and considered all the pros, cons, turnings, and windingsof this awkward predicament, till I had fairly convinced myself that Iwas on the high road to a confounded scrape; and then, having establishedthat fact to my entire satisfaction, I fell comfortably back in thechaise, and sunk into a most profound slumber. If to any of my readers I may appear here to have taken a very despondentview of this whole affair, let him only call to mind my invariable illluck in such matters, and how always it had been my lot to see myself onthe fair road to success, only up to that point at which it is certain, besides--but why explain? These are my confessions. I may not alterwhat are matters of fact, and my reader must only take me with all theimperfections of wrong motives and headlong impulses upon my head, orabandon me at once. Meanwhile the chaise rolled along, and the road being better and the pacefaster, my sleep became more easy; thus, about an hour and a half after Ihad fallen asleep, passed rapidly over, when the sharp turning of anangle distended me from my leaning position, and I awoke. I started upand rubbed my eyes; several seconds elapsed before I could think where Iwas or whither going. Consciousness at last came, and I perceived thatwe were driving up a thickly planted avenue. Why, confound it, theycan't have mistaken it, thought I, or are we really going up to thehouse, instead of waiting at the lodge? I at once lowered the sash, andstretching out my head, cried out, "Do you know what ye are about, lads;is this all right?" but unfortunately, amid the rattling of the graveland the clatter of the horses, my words were unheard; and thinking I wasaddressing a request to go faster, the villains cracked their whips, andbreaking into a full gallop, before five minutes flew over, they drew upwith a jerk at the foot of a long portico to a large and spaciouscut-stone mansion. When I rallied from the sudden check, which had nearlythrown me through the window, I gave myself up for lost: here I was vis avis to the very hall-door of the man whose daughter I was about to elopewith, whether so placed by the awkwardness and blundering of the wretcheswho drove me, or delivered up by their treachery, it mattered not, myfate seemed certain; before I had time to determine upon any line ofacting in this confounded dilemma, the door was jerked open by a servantin a sombre livery; who, protruding his head and shoulders into thechaise, looked at me steadily for a moment, and said, "Ah! then, doctordarlin', but ye're welcome. " With the speed with which sometimes the barof an air long since heard, or the passing glance of an old familiar factcan call up the memory of our very earliest childhood, bright and vividbefore us, so that one single phrase explained the entire mystery of mypresent position, and I saw in one rapid glance that I had got into thechaise intended for Dr. Fitzgerald, and was absolutely at that momentbefore the hall-door of the patient. My first impulse was an honest one, to avow the mistake and retrace my steps, taking my chance to settle withCurzon, whose matrimonial scheme I foresaw was doomed to the untimelyfate of all those I had ever been concerned in. My next thought, howseldom is the adage true which says "that second thoughts are best, " wasupon my luckless wager; for, even supposing that Fitzgerald should followme in the other chaise, yet as I had the start of him, if I could onlypass muster for half an hour, I might secure the fee, and evacuate theterritory; besides that there was a great chance of Fitz's having gone onmy errand, while I was journeying on his, in which case I should be safefrom interruption. Meanwhile, heaven only could tell, what hisinterference in poor Curzon's business might not involve. These seriousreflections took about ten seconds to pass through my mind, as thegrave-looking old servant proceeded to encumber himself with my cloakand my pistol-case, remarking as he lifted the latter, "And may the Lordgrant ye won't want the instruments this time, doctor, for they say heis better this morning;" heartily wishing amen to the benevolent prayerof the honest domestic, for more reasons than one, I descendedleisurely, as I conjectured a doctor ought to do, from the chaise, andwith a solemn pace and grave demeanour followed him into the house. In the small parlour to which I was ushered, sat two gentlemen somewhatadvanced in years, who I rightly supposed were my medical confreres. Oneof these was a tall, pale, ascetic-looking man, with grey hairs, andretreating forehead, slow in speech, and lugubrious in demeanour. Theother, his antithesis, was a short, rosy-cheeked, apoplectic-lookingsubject, with a laugh like a suffocating wheeze, and a paunch like analderman; his quick, restless eye, and full nether lip denoting more ofthe bon vivant than the abstemious disciple of Aesculapius. A moment'sglance satisfied me, that if I had only these to deal with, I was safe, for I saw that they were of that stamp of country practitioner, half-physician, half-apothecary, who rarely come in contact with thehigher orders of their art, and then only to be dictated to, obey, andgrumble. "Doctor, may I beg to intrude myself, Mr. Phipps, on your notice? Dr. Phipps or Mr. It's all one; but I have only a license in pharmacy, thoughthey call me doctor. " "Surgeon Riley, sir; a very respectable practitioner, " said he, wavinghis hand towards his rubicund confrere. I at once expressed the great happiness it afforded me to meet suchhighly informed and justly celebrated gentlemen; and fearing every momentthe arrival of the real Simon Pure should cover me with shame anddisgrace, begged they would afford me as soon as possible, some historyof the case we were concerned for. They accordingly proceeded to expoundin a species of duet, some curious particulars of an old gentleman whohad the evil fortune to have them for his doctors, and who laboured undersome swelling of the neck, which they differed as to the treatment of, and in consequence of which, the aid of a third party (myself, God blessthe mark!) was requested. As I could by no means divest myself of the fear of Fitz. 's arrival, Ipleaded the multiplicity of my professional engagements as a reason forat once seeing the patient; upon which I was conducted up stairs by mytwo brethren, and introduced to a half-lighted chamber. In a large easychair sat a florid-looking old man, with a face in which pain andhabitual ill-temper had combined to absorb every expression. "This is the doctor of the regiment, sir, that you desired to see, " saidmy tall coadjutor. "Oh! then very well; good morning, sir. I suppose you will find outsomething new the matter, for them two there have been doing so everyday this two months. " "I trust, sir, " I replied stiffly, "that with the assistance of mylearned friends, much may be done for you. Ha! hem! So this is themalady. Turn your head a little to that side;" here an awful groanescaped the sick man, for I, it appears, had made considerable impressionupon rather a delicate part, not unintentionally I must confess; for as Iremembered Hoyle's maxim at whist, "when in doubt play a trump, " so Ithought it might be true in physic, when posed by a difficulty to do abold thing also. "Does that hurt you, sir?" said I in a soothing andaffectionate tone of voice. "Like the devil, " growled the patient. "Andhere?" said I. "Oh! oh! I can't bear it any longer. " "Oh! I perceive, "said I, "the thing is just as I expected. " Here I raised my eyebrows, and looked indescribably wise at my confreres. "No aneurism, doctor, " said the tall one. "Certainly not. " "Maybe, " said the short man, "maybe it's a stay-at-home-with-us tumourafter all;" so at least he appeared to pronounce a confounded technical, which I afterwards learned was "steatomatous;" conceiving that my rosyfriend was disposed to jeer at me, I gave him a terrific frown, andresumed, "this must not be touched. " "So you won't operate upon it, " said the patient. "I would not take a thousand pounds and do so, " I replied. "Now if youplease gentlemen, " said I, making a step towards the door, as if towithdraw for consultation; upon which they accompanied me down stairs tothe breakfast-room. As it was the only time in my life I had performedin this character, I had some doubts as to the propriety of indulging avery hearty breakfast appetite, not knowing if it were unprofessional toeat; but from this doubt my learned friends speedily relieved me, by theentire devotion which they bestowed for about twenty minutes upon ham, rolls, eggs, and cutlets, barely interrupting these important occupationsby sly allusions to the old gentleman's malady, and his chance ofrecovery. "Well, doctor, " said the pale one, as at length he rested from hislabours, "what are we to do?" "Ay, " said the other, "there's the question. " "Go on, " said I, "go on as before; I can't advise you better. " Now, thiswas a deep stroke of mine; for up to the present moment I do not knowwhat treatment they were practising; but it looked a shrewd thing toguess it, and it certainly was civil to approve of it. "So you think that will be best. " "I am certain--I know nothing better, " I answered. "Well, I'm sure, sir, we have every reason to be gratified for the verycandid manner you have treated us. Sir, I'm your most obedient servant, "said the fat one. "Gentlemen, both your good healths and professional success also:" hereI swallowed a petit verre of brandy; thinking all the while there wereworse things than the practice of physic. "I hope you are not going, " said one, as my chaise drew up at the door. "Business calls me, " said I, "and I can't help it. " "Could not you manage to see our friend here again, in a day or two?"said the rosy one. "I fear it will be impossible, " replied I; "besides I have a notion hemay not desire it. " "I have been commissioned to hand you this, " said the tall doctor, with ahalf sigh, as he put a check into my hand. I bowed slightly, and stuffed the crumpled paper with a half careless airinto my waistcoat pocket, and wishing them both every species ofhappiness and success, shook hands four times with each, and drove off;never believing myself safe 'till I saw the gate-lodge behind me, andfelt myself flying on the road to Kilkenny at about twelve miles Irish anhour. CHAPTER XVII. THE ELOPEMENT. It was past two o'clock when I reached the town. On entering thebarrack-yard, I perceived a large group of officers chatting together, and every moment breaking into immoderate fits of laughter. I went over, and immediately learned the source of their mirth, which was this: Nosooner had it been known that Fitzgerald was about to go to a distance, on a professional call, than a couple of young officers laid their headstogether, and wrote an anonymous note to Mrs. Fitz. Who was the verydragon of jealousy, informing her, that her husband had feigned the wholehistory of the patient and consultation as an excuse for absentinghimself on an excursion of gallantry; and that if she wished to satisfyherself of the truth of the statement, she had only to follow him in themorning, and detect his entire scheme; the object of these amiablefriends being to give poor Mrs. Fitz. A twenty miles' jaunt, and confronther with her injured husband at the end of it. Having a mind actively alive to suspicions of this nature, the worthywoman made all her arrangements for a start, and scarcely was the chaiseand four, with her husband, out of the town, than was she on the track ofit, with a heart bursting with jealousy, and vowing vengeance to theknife, against all concerned in this scheme to wrong her. So far the plan of her persecutors had perfectly succeeded; they saw herdepart, on a trip of, as they supposed, twenty miles, and their wholenotions of the practical joke were limited to the eclaircissement thatmust ensue at the end. Little, however, were they aware how much morenearly the suspected crime, was the position of the poor doctor to turnout; for, as by one blunder I had taken his chaise, so he, without anyinquiry whatever, had got into the one intended for me; and never awokefrom a most refreshing slumber, till shaken by the shoulder by thepostillion, who whispered in his ear--"here we are sir; this is thegate. " "But why stop at the gate? Drive up the avenue, my boy. " "His honor told me, sir, not for the world to go farther than the lodge;nor to make as much noise as a mouse. " "Ah! very true. He may be very irritable, poor man! Well stop here, andI'll get out. " Just as the doctor had reached the ground, a very smart-looking soubrettetripped up, and said to him-- "Beg pardon, sir; but you are the gentleman from the barrack, sir?" "Yes, my dear, " said Fitz. , with a knowing look at the pretty face of thedamsel, "what can I do for you?" "Why sir, my mistress is here in the shrubbery; but she is so nervous, and so frightened, I don't know how she'll go through it. " "Ah! she's frightened, poor thing; is she? Oh! she must keep up herspirits, while there's life there's hope. " "Sir. " "I say, my darling, she must not give way. I'll speak to her a little. Is not he rather advanced in life?" "Oh, Lord! no sir. Only two-and-thirty, my mistress tells me?" "Two-and-thirty! Why I thought he was above sixty. " "Above sixty! Law! sir. You have a bright fancy. This is thegentleman, ma'am. Now sir, I'll just slip aside for a moment, and letyou talk to her. " "I am grieved, ma'am, that I have not the happiness to make youracquaintance under happier circumstances. " "I must confess, sir--though I am ashamed"-- "Never be ashamed, ma'am. Your grief, although, I trust causeless, doesyou infinite honor. " "Upon my soul she is rather pretty, " said the doctor to himself here. "Well, sir! as I have the most perfect confidence in you, from all I haveheard of you, I trust you will not think me abrupt in saying that anylonger delay here is dangerous. " "Dangerous! Is he in so critical a state as that then?" "Critical a state, sir! Why what do you mean?" "I mean, ma'am, do you think, then, it must be done to-day?" "Of course I do, sir, and I shall never leave the spot without yourassuring me of it. " "Oh! in that case make your mind easy. I have the instruments in thechaise. " "The instruments in the chaise! Really, sir, if you are not jesting--Itrust you don't think this is a fitting time for such--I entreat of youto speak more plainly and intelligibly. " "Jesting, ma'am! I'm incapable of jesting at such a moment. " "Ma'am! ma'am! I see one of the rangers, ma'am, at a distance; so don'tlose a moment, but get into the chaise at once. " "Well, sir, let us away; for I have now gone too far to retract. " "Help my mistress into the chaise, sir. Lord! what a man it is. " A moment more saw the poor doctor seated beside the young lady, while thepostillions plied whip and spur with their best energy; and the road flewbeneath them. Meanwhile the delay caused by this short dialogue, enabledMrs. Fitz. 's slower conveyance to come up with the pursuit, and herchaise had just turned the angle of the road as she caught a glimpse of amuslin dress stepping into the carriage with her husband. There are no words capable of conveying the faintest idea of the feelingsthat agitated Mrs. Fitz. At this moment. The fullest confirmation to herworst fears was before her eyes--just at the very instant when a doubtwas beginning to cross over her mind that it might have been merely ahoax that was practised on her, and that the worthy Doctor was innocentand blameless. As for the poor Doctor himself, there seemed littlechance of his being enlightened as to the real state of matters; for fromthe moment the young lady had taken her place in the chaise, she hadburied her face in her hands, and sobbed continually. Meanwhile heconcluded that they were approaching the house by some back entrance, toavoid noise and confusion, and waited, with due patience, for thejourney's end. As, however, her grief continued unabated, Fitz. At length began to thinkof the many little consolatory acts he had successfully practised in hisprofessional career, and was just insinuating some very tender speech onthe score of resignation, with his head inclined towards the weeping ladybeside him, when the chaise of Mrs. Fitz. Came up along-side, and thepostillions having yielded to the call to halt, drew suddenly up, displaying to the enraged wife the tableau we have mentioned. "So, wretch, " she screamed rather than spoke, "I have detected you atlast. " "Lord bless me! Why it is my wife. " "Yes, villain! your injured, much-wronged wife! And you, madam, may Iask what you have to say for thus eloping with a married man?" "Shame! My dear Jemima, " said Fitz. "how can you possibly permit yourfoolish jealousy so far to blind your reason. Don't you see I am goingupon a professional call?" "Oh! you are. Are you? Quite professional, I'll be bound. " "Oh, sir! Oh, madam! I beseech you, save me from the anger of myrelatives, and the disgrace of exposure. Pray bring me back at once. " "Why, my God! ma'am, what do you mean? You are not gone mad, as well asmy wife. " "Really, Mr. Fitz. " said Mrs. F. "this is carrying the joke too far. Take your unfortunate victim--as I suppose she is such--home to herparents, and prepare to accompany me to the barrack; and if there be lawand justice in--" "Well! may the Lord in his mercy preserve my senses, or you will bothdrive me clean mad. " "Oh, dear! oh, dear!" sobbed the young lady, while Mrs. Fitzgeraldcontinued to upbraid at the top of her voice, heedless of the disclaimersand protestations of innocence poured out with the eloquence of despair, by the poor doctor. Matters were in this state, when a man dressed in afustian jacket, like a groom, drove up to the side of the road, in atax-cart; he immediately got down, and tearing open the door of thedoctor's chaise, lifted out the young lady, and deposited her safely inhis own conveyance, merely adding-- "I say, master, you're in luck this morning, that Mr. William took thelower road; for if he had come up with you instead of me, he'd blow theroof off your scull, that's all. " While these highly satisfactory words were being addressed to poor Fitz. Mrs. Fitzgerald had removed from her carriage to that of her husband, perhaps preferring four horses to two; or perhaps she had still someunexplained views of the transaction, which might as well be told on theroad homeward. Whatever might have been the nature of Mrs. F. 's dissertation, nothing isknown. The chaise containing these turtle doves arrived late at night atKilkenny, and Fitz. Was installed safely in his quarters before any oneknew of his having come back. The following morning he was reported ill;and for three weeks he was but once seen, and at that time only at hiswindow, with a flannel night-cap on his head, looking particularly pale, and rather dark under one eye. As for Curzon--the last thing known of him that luckless morning, was hishiring a post-chaise for the Royal Oak, from whence he posted to Dublin, and hastened on to England. In a few days we learned that the adjutanthad exchanged into a regiment in Canada; and to this hour there are notthree men in the __th who know the real secret of that morning'smisadventures. EBOOK EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS: Air of one who seeks to consume than enjoy his timeAlways a pleasure felt in the misfortunes of even our best friendChew over the cud of his misfortuneDaily association sustains the interest of the veriest triflesDear, dirty Dublin--Io te saluteEvery misfortune has an end at lastFighting like devils for conciliationHalf pleased and whole frightened with the labour before himHating each other for the love of GodHe first butthers them up, and then slithers them downHe was very much disguised in drinkLeast important functionaries took the greatest airs upon themMight almost excite compassion even in an enemyMisfortune will find you out, if ye were hid in a tay chestProfoundly and learnedly engaged in discussing medicineRather a dabbler in the "ologies"Recovered as much of their senses as the wine had left themSeems ever to accompany dullness a sustaining power of vanityThe tone of assumed compassion