THE

 BIGLOW PAPERS. 

 BY JAMES RUSSELL LOWELL. 

 NEWLY EDITED, WITH A PREFACE BY THE AUTHOR OF "_TOM BROWN'S SCHOOL-DAYS_. "

 THIRD ENGLISH EDITION. 

 Reprinted, with the Author's Sanction, from the Last American Edition. 

 LONDON: TRÜBNER & CO. 60, PATERNOSTER ROW. 1861. 

Transcriber's Note

Minor typographical errors have been corrected without note. Dialectspellings, contractions and discrepancies have been retained. 

The carat symbol [^] has been used to note 'superscript', and threeasterisks [***] represent an inverted asterism. 

PUBLISHERS' PREFACE. 

In order to avoid any misconception, the Publishers think it advisableto announce that the present Edition of the "Biglow Papers" is issuedwith the express sanction of the Author, granted by letter, from whichthe following is an extract:--

 "CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS, _14th September, 1859_. 

 "I think it would be well for you to announce that you are to publish an Authorized Edition of the 'BIGLOW PAPERS;' for I have just received a letter from Mr. ----, who tells me that a Mr. ---- was thinking of an edition, and wished him to edit it. Any such undertaking will be entirely against my will, and I take it for granted that Mr. ---- only formed the plan in ignorance of your intention. 

 "With many thanks, very truly yours, "J. R. LOWELL. "

ENGLISH EDITOR'S PREFACE. 

I can safely say that few things in my life have pleased me more thanthe request of Messrs. Trübner, backed by the expressed wish of theauthor, that I would see the first English edition of the "BiglowPapers" through the press. I fell in with the Papers about ten yearsago, soon after their publication; and the impression they then made onme has been deepening and becoming more lively ever since. In fact, I donot think that, even in his own New England, Mr. Lowell can have a moreconstant or more grateful reader, though I cannot say that I go muchbeyond most of my own intimate friends over here in my love for hisworks. I may remark, in passing, that the impossibility of keeping acopy of the "Biglow Papers" for more than a few weeks (of which many ofus have had repeated and sorrowful proof[1]) shows how much an EnglishEdition is needed. 

Perhaps, strictly speaking, I should say a reprint, and not an edition. In fact, I am not clear (in spite of the wishes of author andpublishers) that I have any right to call myself editor, for the book isas thoroughly edited already as a book need be. What between dear oldParson Wilbur--with his little vanities and pedantries, his "infinitefaculty of sermonizing, " his simplicity and humour, and his deep andrighteous views of life, and power of hard hitting when he has anythingto say which needs driving home--and Father Ezekiel, "the brownparchment-hided old man of the geoponic or bucolic species, " "76 yearold cum next tater diggin, and thair aint nowheres a kitting" (wereadily believe) "spryer 'n he be;" and that judicious and lazysub-editor, "Columbus Nye, pastor of a church in Bungtown Corner, "whose acquaintance we make so thoroughly in the ten lines which hecontributes--whatever of setting or framing was needed, or indeedpossible, for the nine gems in verse of Mr. Hosea Biglow, has been sowell done already in America by the hand best fitted for the task, thathe must be a bold man who would meddle with the book now in the editingway. Even the humble satisfaction of adding a glossary and index hasbeen denied to me, as there are already very good ones. I have merelyadded some half-dozen words to the glossary, at which I thought thatEnglish readers might perhaps stumble. When the proposal was first madeto me, indeed, I thought of trying my hand at a sketch of Americanpolitics of thirteen years ago, the date of the Mexican war and of thefirst appearance of the "Biglow Papers. " But I soon found out, first, that I was not, and had no ready means of making myself, competent forsuch a task; secondly, that the book did not need it. The very slightknowledge which every educated Englishman has of Transatlantic politicswill be quite enough to make him enjoy the racy smack of the Americansoil, which is one of their great charms; and, as to the particularcharacters, they are most truly citizens of the world as well asAmericans. If an Englishman cannot find 'Bird-o'-freedom Sawins, ' 'JohnP. Robinson's, ' 'pious editors, ' and candidates "facin' south-by-north"at home--ay, and if he is not conscious of his own individual propensityto the meannesses and duplicities of such, which come under the lash ofHosea--he knows little of the land we live in, or of his own heart, andis not worthy to read the "Biglow Papers. "

Instead, therefore, of any attempt of my own, I will give Mr. Lowell'sown account of how and why he came to write this book. "All I can sayis, " he writes, "the book was _thar_. How it came is more than I cantell. I cannot, like the great Göthe, deliberately imagine what wouldhave been a proper 'Entstehungsweise' for my book, and then assume it asfact. I only know that I believed our war with Mexico (though we had asjust ground for it as a strong nation ever had against a weak one) to beessentially a war of false pretences, and that it would result inwidening the boundaries, and so prolonging the life of slavery. Believing that it is the manifest destiny of the English race to occupythis whole continent, and to display there that practical understandingin matters of government and colonization which no other race has givensuch proofs of possessing since the Romans, I hated to see a noble hopeevaporated into a lying phrase to sweeten the foul breath of demagogues. Leaving the sin of it to God, I believed, and still believe, thatslavery is the Achilles-heel of our own polity, that it is a temporaryand false supremacy of the white races, sure to destroy that supremacyat last, because an enslaved people always prove themselves of moreenduring fibre than their enslavers, as not suffering from the socialvices sure to be engendered by oppression in the governing class. Against these and many other things I thought all honest men shouldprotest. I was born and bred in the country, and the dialect was homelyto me. I tried my first Biglow paper in a newspaper, and found that ithad a great run. So I wrote the others from time to time during theyear which followed, always very rapidly, and sometimes (as with 'WhatMr. Robinson thinks') at one sitting. When I came to collect them andpublish them in a volume, I conceived my parson-editor, with hispedantry and verbosity, his amiable vanity and superiority to the verseshe was editing, as a fitting artistic background and foil. He gave methe chance, too, of glancing obliquely at many things which were beyondthe horizon of my other characters. "

There are two American books, elder brethren of "The Biglow Papers, "which it would be unjust in an Englishman not to mention whileintroducing their big younger brother to his own countrymen, --I mean, ofcourse, "Major Downing's Letters, " and "Sam Slick;" both of which arefull of rare humour, and treat of the most exciting political questionsof their day in a method and from points of view of which we are oftenreminded while reading the "Biglow Papers. " In fact, Mr. Lowell borrowshis name from the Major's Letters;--"Zekel Bigelow, Broker and Banker ofWall Street, New York, " is the friend who corrects the spelling, andcertifies to the genuineness, of the honest Major's effusions, [2] and isone of the raciest characters in the book. No one, I am sure, would beso ready as Mr. Lowell to acknowledge whatever obligations he may haveto other men, and no one can do it more safely. For though he may owe aname or an idea to others, he seems to me to stand quite alone amongstAmericans, and to be the only one who is beyond question entitled totake his place in the first rank, by the side of the great politicalsatirists of ancient and modern Europe. 

Greece had her Aristophanes; Rome her Juvenal; Spain has had herCervantes; France her Rabelais, her Molière, her Voltaire; Germany herJean Paul, her Heine; England her Swift, her Thackeray; and America hasher Lowell. By the side of all those great masters of satire, thoughkept somewhat in the rear by provincialism of style and subject, theauthor of the "Biglow Papers" holds his own place distinct from eachand all. The man who reads the book for the first time, and is capableof understanding it, has received a new sensation. In Lowell theAmerican mind has for the first time flowered out into thoroughlyoriginal genius. 

There is an airy grace about the best pieces of Washington Irving, whichhas no parallel amongst English writers, however closely modelled may behis style upon that of the Addisonian age. There is much original power, which will perhaps be better appreciated at a future day, about FenimoreCooper's delineations of the physical and spiritual border-land, betweenwhite and red, between civilization and savagery. There is dramaticpower of a high order about Mr. Hawthorne, though mixed with a certainmorbidness and bad taste, which debar him from ever attaining to thefirst rank. There is an originality of position about Mr. Emerson, inhis resolute setting up of King Self against King Mob, which, coupledwith a singular metallic glitter of style, and plenty of shrewd NewEngland mother-wit, have made up together one of the best counterfeitsof genius that has been seen for many a day; so good, indeed, that mostmen are taken by it for the first quarter of an hour at the least. Butfor real unmistakable genius, --for that glorious fulness of power whichknocks a man down at a blow for sheer admiration, and then makes himrush into the arms of the knocker-down, and swear eternal friendshipwith him for sheer delight; the "Biglow Papers" stand alone. 

If I sought to describe their characteristics, I should say, the mostexuberant and extravagant humour, coupled with strong, noble, Christianpurpose, --a thorough scorn for all that is false and base, all the morewithering because of the thorough geniality of the writer. Perhaps JeanPaul is of all the satirists I have named the one who at bottom presentsmost affinity with Lowell, but the differences are marked. Theintellectual sphere of the German is vaster, but though with certainaims before him, he rather floats and tumbles about like a porpoise atplay than follows any direct perceptible course. With Lowell, on thecontrary, every word tells, every laugh is a blow; as if the god Momushad turned out as Mars, and were hard at work fighting every inch ofhim, grinning his broadest all the while. 

Will some English readers be shocked by this combination of broad andkeen humour with high Christian purpose--the association of humour andChristianity? I hope not. At any rate, I would remind any such ofLuther, and of our own Latimer and Rowland Hill; are they prepared tocondemn them and many more like them? Nay (though it is a question whichcan only be hinted at here), does not the Bible itself sanction thecombination by its own example? Is there not humour mixed with thetremendous sarcasm of the old prophets--dread humour no doubt, buthumour unmistakably--wherever they speak of the helplessness of idols, as in the forty-fourth and forty-sixth chapters of Isaiah, and inElijah's mockery of the priests of Baal:--"Cry aloud, for he is a God;either he is talking, or he is pursuing, or he is on a journey, orperadventure he sleepeth, and must be awakened. " Is not the book ofProverbs full of grave, dry, pungent humour? Consider only the followingpassage out of many of the same spirit: "As the door turneth upon hishinges, so doth the slothful upon his bed. The slothful hideth his handin his bosom, it grieveth him to bring it again to his mouth. Thesluggard is wiser in his own conceit than seven men that can render areason. He that passeth by and meddleth with strife belonging not tohim, is like one that taketh a dog by the ears. "--Prov. Xxvi. 14-17. 

Or if it be objected that these things belong to an earlier covenant, that laughter and jesting are "not convenient" under the Gospel of Himwho came not to destroy the law but to fulfil it, there is, perhaps, ananswer to this also. 

For a specimen of subdued humour in narrative, adhering in the mostliteral manner to facts, and yet contriving to bring them out by thatgraphic literalness under their most ludicrous aspect, what can equalSt. Luke's description of the riot at Ephesus? The picture of the narrowtrade selfishness of Demetrius--of polytheism reduced into a matter ofbusiness--of the inanity of a mob tumult in an enslaved country--of themixed coaxing and bullying of its officials, was surely never broughtout with a more latter vice, indeed, includes both the others, orrather uses them as its instruments. Thus, the "pious Editor" proclaims, as his creed, --

 I du believe in Freedom's cause Ez fur away ez Paris is; I love to see her stick her claws In them infarnal Pharisees;

 It's wal enough agin a king To dror resolves and triggers, But libbaty's a kind o' thing Thet don't agree with niggers. 

No doubt they go further than this. I am quite aware that Mr. Lowellwill be claimed as a champion by the peace party in this country; andcertainly no keener things have been said against war in general thanare to be found in this book. 

With our own peace-at-any-price party, no one has less sympathy than I;and this leads me to urge on all English readers to bear in mind, thatthe "Biglow Papers" were written for a New England audience, by a NewEnglander, and must be judged from a New England point of view. Thecitizen of a huge young mammoth country, divided by a whole ocean fromthe nearest enemy that it could fear, assailable only on the vividsense of the absurdity of the whole. "And Gallio cared for none of thesethings, " is another touch of quiet humour, which at once brings out theludicrous aspect of the punishment of the Jewish agitators by means ofthe very tumults which they raised. 

I take it, therefore, that the exhibition of humour, in the pursuit, andas an aid for the attainment of a noble Christian purpose, is a means ofaction not only sanctioned by the very constitution of our natures (inwhich God has implanted so deeply the sense of the ludicrous, surely notthat we might root it out) but, by the very example of Holy Writ. Thehumour exhibited may be different in degree and in quality; the skies ofSyria are not those of Germany, or of Spain, of England, whether old ornew. But the gift in itself is a pure and precious one, if lawfully andrightfully used. 

Military braggadocio, political and literary humbug, and slave-holding, are the three great butts at which Hosea Biglow and Parson Wilbur shoot, at point-blank range, and with shafts drawn well to the ear. The fringeof its seaboard (itself consisting chiefly of unapproachable swamp orbarren sand wastes), surrounded by weak neighbours or thin wanderinghordes, only too easy to bully, to subdue, to eat up; from which bandsof pirates, under the name of liberators, swarm forth year after year, almost unchecked, to neighbouring lands, and to which if defeated theyonly return to be caressed and applauded by their congeners; where thegetting up of war-fevers forms part of the stock in trade of too many ofthe leading politicians; where in particular the grasping at newterritories for slave labour, by means however foul, has become thespecial and avowed policy of the slavery party; the citizen of such acountry has a right to tell his countrymen that--

 'T'aint your eppyletts an' feathers Make the thing a grain more right; 'T'aint afollerin' your bell-wethers Will excuse ye in His sight;

 'Ef you take a sword an' dror it, An' go stick a feller thru, 'Guv'ment aint to answer for it, God 'll send the bill to you. 

And the bravest officer in Her Majesty's service will laugh as heartilyas you will, I take it, my dear reader, if you have never heard itbefore, over a picture and a contrast such as the following:--

 Parson Wilbur sez, _he_ never heerd in his life Thet th' Apostles rigged out in their swaller-tail coats, An' marched round in front of a drum and a fife To git, some on 'em office, an some on em votes, But John P Robinson he Sez they didnt know everythin' down in Juddee. 

But England is a small and wealthy country, whose best defence against aneighbour, always likely to become a foe, consists in a mere oceancanal; where the question, I will not say of war, but of readiness forwar, is one of life or death--in which the temptation, always so strong, to subordinate national honour to what is supposed to be policy, is inour day for most statesmen almost irresistible, because politicalinfluence is so evenly balanced, that a peace party of perhaps twentyvotes has often the destinies of a ministry in its hands. Had Mr. Lowellbeen an Englishman, no one who knows his writings can believe for amoment that he would have swelled the cry or strengthened the hands ofthe vain and mischievous clique, who amongst us have of late yearsraised the cry of peace when there is no peace. 

The same caution will apply to our marked peculiarity of style in thebook, which may offend at first many persons otherwise most capable ofentering into its spirit. I mean the constant, and so to speak, pervading use of Scripture language and incidents, not only side by sidewith the most grotesque effusions of humour, but as one main element ofthe ludicrous effects produced. This undoubtedly would be as reallyoffensive as it would be untrue, from any other point of view perhapsthan that of a New Englander bred in the country. The rural populationof New England is still, happily for itself, tinctured in all itslanguage, habits, modes of feeling and thought, by a strict Scripturaltraining--"Out of the fulness of the heart the mouth speaketh. " Lookbelow the surface and you will see that there is no irreverence whateverbeneath Hosea Biglow's daring use of Scripture; only that "perfect lovewhich casteth out fear;" that the very purpose of the whole book is toset up Christ's Gospel as _the_ standard by which alone all men are tobe judged in all their acts. We may disagree from him in theconclusions which he draws from Scripture; of his earnest sincerity inenforcing those conclusions we cannot doubt. 

It is satisfactory, indeed, to think that Mr. Lowell's shafts havealready, in a great measure, ceased to be required, or would have to beaimed now at other bull's eyes. The servility of the Northern States tothe South, which twelve years ago so raised his indignation, has wellnigh ceased to be. The vital importance of the slavery question is nowthoroughly recognized by the great republican party, which I trust isyear by year advancing towards an assured victory. 

For that victory Mr. Lowell has done knight's-service by his otherworks, as well as by the "Biglow Papers. " I need not do more than referto these, however, as they have been published in a cheap form overhere, and I believe have circulated largely. In his other poems he is byno means so equal as in the "Biglow Papers;" but I cannot help thinkingthat (leaving out of sight altogether his satirical works) fifty yearshence he will be recognized as the greatest American poet of our day, notwithstanding the contemporary judgment which has in England, and Ibelieve in America, assigned that proud place to his friend andpredecessor at Harvard College, H. W. Longfellow. To any reader who hasnot met with Lowell's Poems, and who may be induced to read them after aperusal of the present volume, I should recommend "The Vision of SirLaunfal, " "A Parable, " "Stanzas on Freedom, " "The Present Crisis, " and"Hunger and Cold, " as specially fit to be read in connexion with the"Biglow Papers. " It is only by looking at all sides of a man of thismould that you can get a notion of his size and power. Readers, therefore, should search out for themselves the exquisite little gems ofa lighter kind, which lie about in the other poems comprised in thevolume. I am only indicating those which, as it seems to me, when takenwith the "Biglow Papers, " give the best idea of the man, and what hispurpose in life has been, and is. 

I will not think so badly of my countrymen as to suppose for a momentthat "The Biglow Papers" will not become the intimate friends of allgood fellows in England; and when we have really made friends with abook, we like to know something about our friend's father; so I shalladd the little I know of the history of James Russell Lowell. 

He was born in 1819, at Cambridge, Massachusetts, so that he is someyears younger than our own laureate, and we may hope to get out of himmany another noble work, though we shall get no more "Biglow Papers"--atleast I fear not; for the sort of inspiration which finds voice in thisway comes, I take it, only once in a man's life. And moreover, this ishis own conviction. In a letter which I received from him as to thepresent publication, he writes: "Friendly people say to me sometimes, 'Write us more "Biglow Papers;"' and I have even been simple enough totry, only to find that I could not. This has helped to persuade me thatthe book was a genuine growth, and not a manufacture, and that thereforeI had an honest right to be pleased without blushing, if people likedit. " He was educated at Harvard College, Cambridge; and, in fact, hasnever lived away from his native place. He read law, but neverpractised; and in 1855 was chosen to succeed Longfellow as Professor ofModern Literature in Harvard College. He has visited Europe twice; and Iam sure that every one who knows his works must join with me in thehearty wish that he may come among us again as soon as possible. 

FOOTNOTES:

[1] Should this meet the eye of any persons who may have forgotten toreturn American copies of the "Biglow Papers" to their respectiveowners, they are requested to forward them to the publishers. Thestrictest secrecy will be preserved, and an acknowledgment given in _TheTimes_ if required. 

[2] See the English Edition of "Letters of Major Downing, " published byJohn Murray in 1835, pp. 22, 23; and Letters x. Xi. Xii. And xv. 

CONTENTS. 

 PAGE

 PUBLISHER'S PREFACE v

 EDITOR'S PREFACE vii

 NOTICES OF AN INDEPENDENT PRESS xxix

 No. I. 

 A LETTER FROM MR. EZEKIEL BIGLOW OF JAALAM TO THE HON. JOSEPH T. BUCKINGHAM, EDITOR OF THE BOSTON COURIER, INCLOSING A POEM OF HIS SON, MR. HOSEA BIGLOW 1

 No. II. 

 A LETTER FROM MR. HOSEA BIGLOW TO THE HON. J. T. BUCKINGHAM, EDITOR OF THE BOSTON COURIER, COVERING A LETTER FROM MR. B. SAWIN, PRIVATE IN THE MASSACHUSETTS REGIMENT 11

 No. III. 

 WHAT MR. ROBINSON THINKS 27

 No. IV. 

 REMARKS OF INCREASE D. O'PHACE, ESQUIRE, AT AN EX-TRUMPERY CAUCUS IN STATE STREET, REPORTED BY MR. H. BIGLOW 40

 No. V. 

 THE DEBATE IN THE SENNIT. SOT TO A NUSRY RHYME 55

 No. VI. 

 THE PIOUS EDITOR'S CREED 64

 No. VII. 

 A LETTER FROM A CANDIDATE FOR THE PRESIDENCY IN ANSWER TO SUTTIN QUESTIONS PROPOSED BY MR. HOSEA BIGLOW, INCLOSED IN A NOTE FROM MR. BIGLOW TO S. H. GAY, ESQ. , EDITOR OF THE NATIONAL ANTISLAVERY STANDARD 74

 No. VIII. 

 A SECOND LETTER FROM B. SAWIN, ESQ. 86

 No. IX. 

 A THIRD LETTER FROM B. SAWIN, ESQ. 106

 GLOSSARY 127

 INDEX 131

NOTICES OF AN INDEPENDENT PRESS. 

[I have observed, reader, (bene- or male-volent, as it may happen, ) thatit is customary to append to the second editions of books, and to thesecond works of authors, short sentences commendatory of the first, under the title of _Notices of the Press_. These, I have been given tounderstand, are procurable at certain established rates, payment beingmade either in money or advertising patronage by the publisher, or by anadequate outlay of servility on the part of the author. Consideringthese things with myself, and also that such notices are neitherintended, nor generally believed, to convey any real opinions, being apurely ceremonial accompaniment of literature, and resemblingcertificates to the virtues of various morbiferal panaceas, I conceivedthat it would be not only more economical to prepare a sufficient numberof such myself, but also more immediately subservient to the end inview, to prefix them to this our primary edition, rather than await thecontingency of a second, when they would seem to be of small utility. Todelay attaching the _bobs_ until the second attempt at flying the kitewould indicate but a slender experience in that useful art. Neither hasit escaped my notice, nor failed to afford me matter of reflection, that, when a circus or a caravan is about to visit Jaalam, the initialstep is to send forward large and highly ornamented bills of performanceto be hung in the bar-room and the post-office. These having beensufficiently gazed at, and beginning to lose their attractivenessexcept for the flies, and, truly, the boys also, (in whom I find itimpossible to repress, even during school-hours, certain oral andtelegraphic correspondences concerning the expected show, ) upon somefine morning the band enters in a gaily-painted waggon, or triumphalchariot, and with noisy advertisement, by means of brass, wood, andsheepskin, makes the circuit of our startled village-streets. Then, asthe exciting sounds draw nearer and nearer, do I desiderate those eyesof Aristarchus, "whose looks were as a breeching to a boy. " Then do Iperceive, with vain regret of wasted opportunities, the advantage of apancratic or pantechnic education, since he is most reverenced by mylittle subjects who can throw the cleanest summerset, or walk mostsecurely upon the revolving cask. The story of the Pied Piper becomesfor the first time credible to me, (albeit confirmed by the Hamelinersdating their legal instruments from the period of his exit, ) as I beholdhow those strains, without pretence of magical potency, bewitch thepupillary legs, nor leave to the pedagogic an entire self-control. Forthese reasons, lest my kingly prerogative should suffer diminution, Iprorogue my restless commons, whom I also follow into the street, chiefly lest some mischief may chance befall them. After the manner ofsuch a band, I send forward the following notices of domesticmanufacture, to make brazen proclamation, not unconscious of theadvantage which will accrue, if our little craft, _cymbula sutilis_, shall seem to leave port with a clipping breeze, and to carry, innautical phrase, a bone in her mouth. Nevertheless, I have chosen, asbeing more equitable, to prepare some also sufficiently objurgatory, that readers of every taste may find a dish to their palate. I havemodelled them upon actually existing specimens, preserved in my owncabinet of natural curiosities. One, in particular, I had copied withtolerable exactness from a notice of one of my own discourses, which, from its superior tone and appearance of vast experience, I concluded tohave been written by a man at least three hundred years of age, though Irecollected no existing instance of such antediluvian longevity. Nevertheless, I afterwards discovered the author to be a young gentlemanpreparing for the ministry under the direction of one of my brethren ina neighbouring town, and whom I had once instinctively corrected in aLatin quantity. But this I have been forced to omit, from its too greatlength. --H. W. ]

 * * * * *

 _From the Universal Littery Universe. _

 Full of passages which rivet the attention of the reader. .. . Under a rustic garb, sentiments are conveyed which should be committed to the memory and engraven on the heart of every moral and social being. .. . We consider this a _unique_ performance. .. . We hope to see it soon introduced into our common schools. .. . Mr. Wilbur has performed his duties as editor with excellent taste and judgment. .. . This is a vein which we hope to see successfully prosecuted. .. . We hail the appearance of this work as a long stride toward the formation of a purely aboriginal, indigenous, native, and American literature. We rejoice to meet with an author national enough to break away from the slavish deference, too common among us, to English grammar and orthography. .. . Where all is so good, we are at a loss how to make extracts. .. . On the whole, we may call it a volume which no library, pretending to entire completeness, should fail to place upon its shelves. 

 * * * * *

 _From the Higginbottomopolis Snapping-turtle. _

 A collection of the merest balderdash and doggerel that it was ever our bad fortune to lay eyes on. The author is a vulgar buffoon, and the editor a talkative, tedious old fool. We use strong language, but should any of our readers peruse the book, (from which calamity Heaven preserve them, ) they will find reasons for it thick as the leaves of Vallumbrozer, or, to use a still more expressive comparison, as the combined heads of author and editor. The work is wretchedly got up. .. . We should like to know how much _British gold_ was pocketed by this libeller of our country and her purest patriots. 

 * * * * *

 _From the Oldfogrumville Mentor. _

 We have not had time to do more than glance through this handsomely printed volume, but the name of its respectable editor, the Rev. Mr. Wilbur, of Jaalam, will afford a sufficient guaranty for the worth of its contents. .. . The paper is white, the type clear, and the volume of a convenient and attractive size. .. . In reading this elegantly executed work, it has seemed to us that a passage or two might have been retrenched with advantage, and that the general style of diction was susceptible of a higher polish. .. . On the whole, we may safely leave the ungrateful task of criticism to the reader. We will barely suggest, that in volumes intended, as this is, for the illustration of a provincial dialect and turns of expression, a dash of humour or satire might be thrown in with advantage. .. . The work is admirably got up. .. . This work will form an appropriate ornament to the centre-table. It is beautifully printed, on paper of an excellent quality. 

 * * * * *

 _From the Dekay Bulwark. _

 We should be wanting in our duty as the conductor of that tremendous engine, a public press, as an American, and as a man, did we allow such an opportunity as is presented to us by "The Biglow Papers" to pass by without entering our earnest protest against such attempts (now, alas! too common) at demoralizing the public sentiment. Under a wretched mask of stupid drollery, slavery, war, the social glass, and, in short, all the valuable and time-honoured institutions justly dear to our common humanity and especially to republicans, are made the butt of coarse and senseless ribaldry by this low-minded scribbler. It is time that the respectable and religious portion of our community should be aroused to the alarming inroads of foreign Jacobinism, sansculottism, and infidelity. It is a fearful proof of the wide-spread nature of this contagion, that these secret stabs at religion and virtue are given from under the cloak (_credite, posteri!_) of a clergyman. It is a mournful spectacle indeed to the patriot and Christian to see liberality and new ideas (falsely so called, --they are as old as Eden) invading the sacred precincts of the pulpit. .. . On the whole, we consider this volume as one of the first shocking results which we predicted would spring out of the late French "Revolution"(!). 

 * * * * *

 _From the Bungtown Copper and Comprehensive Tocsin (a tryweakly family journal). _

 Altogether an admirable work. .. . Full of humour, boisterous, but delicate, --of wit withering and scorching, yet combined with a pathos cool as morning dew, --of satire ponderous as the mace of Richard, yet keen as the scymitar of Saladin. .. . A work full of "mountain-mirth, " mischievous as Puck and lightsome as Ariel. .. . We know not whether to admire most the genial, fresh, and discursive concinnity of the author, or his playful fancy, weird imagination, and compass of style, at once both objective and subjective. .. . We might indulge in some criticisms, but, were the author other than he is, he would be a different being. As it is, he has a wonderful _pose_, which flits from flower to flower, and bears the reader irresistibly along on its eagle pinions (like Ganymede) to the "highest heaven of invention. " . .. We love a book so purely objective. .. . Many of his pictures of natural scenery have an extraordinary subjective clearness and fidelity. .. . In fine, we consider this as one of the most extraordinary volumes of this or any age. We know of no English author who could have written it. It is a work to which the proud genius of our country, standing with one foot on the Aroostook and the other on the Rio Grande, and holding up the star-spangled banner amid the wreck of matter and the crush of worlds, may point with bewildering scorn of the punier efforts of enslaved Europe. .. . We hope soon to encounter our author among those higher walks of literature in which he is evidently capable of achieving enduring fame. Already we should be inclined to assign him a high position in the bright galaxy of our American bards. 

 * * * * *

 _From the Saltriver Pilot and Flag of Freedom. _

 A volume in bad grammar and worse taste. .. . While the pieces here collected were confined to their appropriate sphere in the corners of obscure newspapers, we considered them wholly beneath contempt, but, as the author has chosen to come forward in this public manner, he must expect the lash he so richly merits. .. . Contemptible slanders. .. . Vilest Billingsgate. .. . Has raked all the gutters of our language. .. . The most pure, upright, and consistent politicians not safe from his malignant venom. .. . General Cushing comes in for a share of his vile calumnies. .. . The _Reverend_ Homer Wilbur is a disgrace to his cloth. .. . 

 * * * * *

 _From the World-Harmonic-Æolian-Attachment. _

 Speech is silver: silence is golden. No utterance more Orphic than this. While, therefore, as highest author, we reverence him whose works continue heroically unwritten, we have also our hopeful word for those who with pen (from wing of goose loud-cackling, or seraph God-commissioned) record the thing that is revealed. .. . Under mask of quaintest irony, we detect here the deep, storm-tost (nigh shipwracked) soul, thunder-scarred, semiarticulate, but ever climbing hopefully toward the peaceful summits of an Infinite Sorrow. .. . Yes, thou poor, forlorn Hosea, with Hebrew fire-flaming soul in thee, for thee also this life of ours has not been without its aspect of heavenliest pity and laughingest mirth. Conceivable enough! Through coarse Thersites-cloak, we have revelation of the heart, wild-glowing, world-clasping, that is in him. Bravely he grapples with the life-problem as it presents itself to him, uncombed, shaggy, careless of the "nicer proprieties, " inexpert of "elegant diction, " yet with voice audible enough to whoso hath ears, up there on the gravelly side-hills, or down on the splashy, Indiarubber-like salt-marshes of native Jaalam. To this soul also the _Necessity of Creating_ somewhat has unveiled its awful front. If not Œdipuses and Electras and Alcestises, then in God's name Birdofredum Sawins! These also shall get born into the world, and filch (if so need) a Zingali subsistence therein, these lank, omnivorous Yankees of his. He shall paint the Seen, since the Unseen will not sit to him. Yet in him also are Nibelungen-lays, and Iliads, and Ulysses-wanderings, and Divine Comedies, --if only once he could come at them! Therein lies much, nay all; for what truly is this which we name _All_, but that which we do _not_ possess?. .. Glimpses also are given us of an old father Ezekiel, not without paternal pride, as is the wont of such. A brown, parchment-hided old man of the geoponic or bucolic species, gray-eyed, we fancy, _queued_ perhaps, with much weather-cunning and plentiful September-gale memories, bidding fair in good time to become the Oldest Inhabitant. After such hasty apparition, he vanishes and is seen no more. .. . Of "Rev. Homer Wilbur, A. M. , Pastor of the First Church in Jaalam, " we have small care to speak here. Spare touch in him of his Melesigenes namesake, save, haply, the--blindness! A tolerably caliginose, nephelegeretous elderly gentleman, with infinite faculty of sermonizing, muscularized by long practice, and excellent digestive apparatus, and, for the rest, well-meaning enough, and with small private illuminations (somewhat tallowy, it is to be feared) of his own. To him, there, "Pastor of the First Church in Jaalam, " our Hosea presents himself as a quiet inexplicable Sphinx-riddle. A rich, poverty of Latin and Greek, --so far is clear enough, even to eyes peering myopic through horn-lensed editorial spectacles, --but naught farther? O purblind, well-meaning, altogether fuscous Melesigenes-Wilbur, there are things in him incommunicable by stroke of birch! Did it ever enter that old bewildered head of thine that there was the _Possibility of the Infinite_ in him? To thee, quite wingless (and even featherless) biped, has not so much even as a dream of wings ever come? "Talented young parishioner"? Among the Arts whereof thou art _Magister_, does that of _seeing_ happen to be one? Unhappy _Artium Magister_! Somehow a Nemean lion, fulvous, torrid-eyed, dry-nursed in broad-howling sand-wildernesses of a sufficiently rare spirit-Libya (it may be supposed) has got whelped among the sheep. Already he stands wild-glaring, with feet clutching the ground as with oak-roots, gathering for a Remus-spring over the walls of thy little fold. In Heaven's name, go not near him with that flybite crook of thine! In good time, thou painful preacher, thou wilt go to the appointed place of departed Artillery-Election Sermons, Right-Hands of Fellowship, and Results of Councils, gathered to thy spiritual fathers with much Latin of the Epitaphial sort; thou, too, shalt have thy reward; but on him the Eumenides have looked, not Xantippes of the pit, snake-tressed, finger-threatening, but radiantly calm as on antique gems; for him paws impatient the winged courser of the gods, champing unwelcome bit: him the starry deeps, the empyrean glooms, and far-flashing splendors await. 

 * * * * *

 _From the Onion Grove Phœnix. _

 A talented young townsman of ours, recently returned from a Continental tour, and who is already favourably known to our readers by his sprightly letters from abroad which have graced our columns, called at our office yesterday. We learn from him, that, having enjoyed the distinguished privilege, while in Germany, of an introduction to the celebrated Von Humbug, he took the opportunity to present that eminent man with a copy of the "Biglow Papers. " The next morning he received the following note, which he has kindly furnished us for publication. We prefer to print _verbatim_, knowing that our readers will readily forgive the few errors into which the illustrious writer has fallen, through ignorance of our language. 

 "HIGH-WORTHY MISTER!

 "I shall also now especially happy starve, because I have more or less a work of one those aboriginal Red-Men seen in which have I so deaf an interest ever taken fullworthy on the self shelf with our Gottsched to be upset. 

 "Pardon my in the English-speech unpractice!

 "VON HUMBUG. "

 He also sent with the above note a copy of his famous work on "Cosmetics, " to be presented to Mr. Biglow; but this was taken from our friend by the English custom-house officers, probably through a petty national spite. No doubt, it has by this time found its way into the British Museum. We trust this outrage will be exposed in all our American papers. We shall do our best to bring it to the notice of the State Department. Our numerous readers will share in the pleasure we experience at seeing our young and vigorous national literature thus encouragingly patted on the head by this venerable and world-renowned German. We love to see these reciprocations of good-feeling between the different branches of the great Anglo-Saxon race. 

 * * * * *

 _From the Jaalam Independent Blunderbuss. _

 . .. But, while we lament to see our young townsman thus mingling in the heated contests of party politics, we think we detect in him the presence of talents which, if properly directed, might give an innocent pleasure to many. As a proof that he is competent to the production of other kinds of poetry, we copy for our readers a short fragment of a pastoral by him, the manuscript of which was loaned us by a friend. The title of it is "The Courtin'. "

 Zekle crep' up, quite unbeknown, An' peeked in thru the winder, An' there sot Huldy all alone, 'ith no one nigh to hender. 

 Agin' the chimbly crooknecks hung, An' in amongst 'em rusted The ole queen's arm thet gran'ther Young Fetched back frum Concord busted. 

 The wannut logs shot sparkles out Towards the pootiest, bless her! An' leetle fires danced all about The chiny on the dresser. 

 The very room, coz she wuz in, Looked warm frum floor to ceilin', An' she looked full ez rosy agin Ez th' apples she wuz peelin'. 

 She heerd a foot an' knowed it, tu, Araspin' on the scraper, -- All ways to once her feelins flew Like sparks in burnt-up paper. 

 He kin' o' l'itered on the mat, Some doubtfle o' the seekle; His heart kep' goin' pitypat, But hern went pity Zekle. 

 . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. 

 * * * * *

Satis multis sese emptores futuros libri professis, Georgius Nichols, Cantabrigiensis, opus emittet de parte gravi sed adhuc neglecta historiænaturalis, cum titulo sequenti, videlicet:--

_Conatus ad Delineationem naturalem nonnihil perfectiorem ScarabæiBombilatoris, vulgo dicti_ HUMBUG, ab HOMERO WILBUR, Artium Magistro, Societatis historico-naturalis Jaallamensis Præside, (Secretario, Socioque (eheu!) singulo, ) multarumque aliarum Societatum eruditarum(sive ineruditarum) tam domesticarum quam transmarinarum Socio--forsitanfuturo. 

PROEMIUM. 

LECTORI BENEVOLO S. 

Toga scholastica nondum deposita, quum systemata varia entomologica, aviris ejus scientiæ cultoribus studiosissimis summa diligentiaædificata, penitus indagâssem, non fuit quin luctuose omnibus in iis, quamvis aliter laude dignissimis, hiatum magni momenti perciperem. Tunc, nescio quo motu superiore impulsus, aut qua captus dulcedine operis, adeum implendum (Curtius alter) me solemniter devovi. Nec ab isto labore, δαιμονίως imposito, abstinui antequam tractatulum sufficienterinconcinnum lingua vernacula perfeceram. Inde, juveniliter tumefactus, et barathro ineptiæ τῶν βιβλιοπωλῶν (necnon "Publici Legentis") nusquamexplorato, me composuisse quod quasi placentas præfervidas (ut sicdicam) homines ingurgitarent credidi. Sed, quum huic et alii bibliopolæMSS. Mea submisissem et nihil solidius responsione valde negativa inMusæum meum retulissem, horror ingens atque misericordia, obcrassitudinem Lambertianam in cerebris homunculorum istius muneriscœlesti quadam ira infixam, me invasere. Extemplo mei solius impensislibrum edere decrevi, nihil omnino dubitans quin "Mundus Scientificus"(ut aiunt) crumenam meam ampliter repleret. Nullam, attamen, ex agroillo meo parvulo segetem demessui, præter gaudium vacuum bene deRepublica merendi. Iste panis meus pretiosus super aquas literariasfæculentas præfidenter jactus, quasi Harpyiarum quarundam (scilicetbibliopolarum istorum facinorosorum supradictorum) tactu rancidus, intraperpaucos dies mihi domum rediit. Et, quum ipse tali victu ali nontolerarem, primum in mentem venit pistori (typographo nempe) nihilominussolvendum esse. Animum non idcirco demisi, imo æque ac pueri naviculassuas penes se lino retinent (eo ut e recto cursu delapsas ad ripamretrahant), sic ego Argô meam chartaceam fluctibus laborantem a quæsituvelleris aurei, ipse potius tonsus pelleque exutus, mente solidarevocavi. Metaphoram ut mutem, _boomarangam_ meam a scopo aberrantemretraxi, dum majore vi, occasione ministrante, adversus Fortunamintorquerem. Ast mihi, talia volventi, et, sicut Saturnus illeπαιδοβόρος, liberos intellectus mei depascere fidenti, casus miserandus, nec antea inauditus, supervenit. Nam, ut ferunt Scythas pietatis causaet parsimoniæ, parentes suos mortuos devorâsse, sic filius hic meusprimogenitus, Scythis ipsis minus mansuetus, patrem vivum totum etcalcitrantem exsorbere enixus est. Nec tamen hac de causa sobolem meamesurientem exheredavi. Sed famem istam pro valido testimonio virilitatisroborisque potius habui, cibumque ad eam satiandam salva paterna meacarne, petii. Et quia bilem illam scaturientem ad æs etiam concoquendumidoneam esse estimabam, unde æs alienum, ut minoris pretii, haberem, circumspexi. Rebus ita se habentibus, ab avunculo meo Johanne Doolittle, Armigero, impetravi ut pecunias necessarias suppeditaret, ne opus essetmihi universitatem relinquendi antequam ad gradum primum in artibuspervenissem. Tunc ego, salvum facere patronum meum munificum maximecupiens, omnes libros primæ editionis operis mei non venditos una cumprivilegio in omne ævum ejusdem imprimendi et edendi avunculo meo dictopigneravi. Ex illo die, atro lapide notando, curæ vociferantes familiæsingulis annis crescentis eo usque insultabant ut nunquam tam carumpignus e vinculis istis aheneis solvere possem. 

Avunculo vero nuper mortuo, quum inter alios consanguineos testamentiejus lectionem audiendi causa advenissem, erectis auribus verba taliasequentia accepi:--"Quoniam persuasum habeo meum dilectum nepotemHomerum, longa et intima rerum angustarum domi experientia, aptissimumesse qui divitias tueatur, beneficenterque ac prudenter iis diviniscreditis utatur, --ergo, motus hisce cogitationibus, exque amore meo inillum magno, do, legoque nepoti caro meo supranominato omnessingularesque istas possessiones nec ponderabiles nec computabiles measquæ sequuntur, scilicet: quingentos libros quos mihi pigneravit dictusHomerus, anno lucis 1792, cum privilegio edendi et repetendi opus istud'scientificum' (quod dicunt) suum, si sic elegerit. Tamen D. O. M. Precor oculos Homeri nepotis mei ita aperiat eumque moveat, ut librosistos in bibliotheca unius e plurimis castellis suis Hispaniensibus tutoabscondat. "

His verbis (vix credibilibus) auditis, cor meum in pectore exsultavit. Deinde, quoniam tractatus Anglice scriptus spem auctoris fefellerat, quippe quum studium Historiæ Naturalis in Republica nostra interfactionis strepitum languescat, Latine versum edere statui, et eo potiusquia nescio quomodo disciplina academica et duo diplomata proficiant, nisi quod peritos linguarum omnino mortuarum (et damnandarum, ut dicebatiste πανοῦργος Gulielmus Cobbett) nos faciant. 

Et mihi adhuc superstes est tota illa editio prima, quam quasicrepitaculum per quod dentes caninos dentibam retineo. 

 * * * * *

 OPERIS SPECIMEN. 

 (_Ad exemplum Johannis Physiophili speciminis Monachologiæ. _)

 12. S. B. _Militaris_, WILBUR. _Carnifex_, JABLONSK. _Profanus_, DESFONT. 

 [Male hancce speciem _Cyclopem_, Fabricius vocat, ut qui singulo oculo ad quod sui interest distinguitur. Melius vero Isaacus Outis nullum inter S. Milit. S. Que Belzebul (Fabric. 152) discrimen esse defendit. ]

 Habitat civitat. Americ. Austral. 

 Aureis lineis splendidus; plerumque tamen sordidus, utpote lanienas valde frequentans, fœtore sanguinis allectus. Amat quoque insuper septa apricari, neque inde, nisi maxima conatione, detruditur. _Candidatus_ ergo populariter vocatus. Caput cristam quasi pennarum ostendit. Pro cibo vaccam publicam callide mulget; abdomen enorme; facultas suctus haud facile estimanda. Otiosus, fatuus; ferox nihilominus, semperque dimicare paratus. Tortuose repit. 

 Capite sæpe maxima cum cura dissecto, ne illud rudimentum etiam cerebri commune omnibus prope insectis detegere poteram. 

 Unam de hoc S. Milit. Rem singularem notavi; nam S. Guineeus. (Fabric. 143) servos facit, et idcirco a multis summa in reverentia habitus, quasi scintillas rationis pæne humanæ demonstrans. 

 24. S. B. _Criticus_, WILBUR. _Zoilus_, FABRIC. _Pygmæus_, CARLSEN. 

 [Stultissime Johannes Stryx cum S. Punctato (Fabric. 64-109) confundit. Specimina quam plurima scrutationi microscopicæ subjeci, nunquam tamen unum ulla indicia puncti cujusvis prorsus ostendentem inveni. ]

 Præcipue formidolosus, insectatusque, in proxima rima anonyma sese abscondit, _we, we_, creberrime stridens. Ineptus, segnipes. 

 Habitat ubique gentium; in sicco; nidum suum terebratione indefessa ædificans. Cibus. Libros depascit; siccos præcipue seligens, et forte succidum

 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 

 _MELIBŒUS-HIPPONAX. _

 THE

 BIGLOW PAPERS, EDITED, WITH AN INTRODUCTION, NOTES, GLOSSARY, AND COPIOUS INDEX, BY HOMER WILBUR, A. M. 

 PASTOR OF THE FIRST CHURCH IN JAALAM, AND (PROSPECTIVE) MEMBER OF MANY LITERARY, LEARNED, AND SCIENTIFIC SOCIETIES, (_for which see page_ xlvii. )

 The ploughman's whistle, or the trivial flute, Finds more respect than great Apollo's lute. _Quarles's Emblems_, B. II. E. 8. 

 Margaritas, munde porcine, calcâsti: en, siliquas accipe. _Jaa. Car. Fil. Ad Pub. Leg. _ § 1. 

NOTE TO TITLE-PAGE

It will not have escaped the attentive eye, that I have, on thetitle-page, omitted those honorary appendages to the editorial namewhich not only add greatly to the value of every book, but whet andexacerbate the appetite of the reader. For not only does he surmise thatan honorary membership of literary and scientific societies implies acertain amount of necessary distinction on the part of the recipient ofsuch decorations, but he is willing to trust himself more entirely to anauthor who writes under the fearful responsibility of involving thereputation of such bodies as the _S. Archæol. Dahom. _, or the _Acad. Lit. Et Scient. Kamtschat. _ I cannot but think that the early editionsof Shakspeare and Milton would have met with more rapid and generalacceptance, but for the barrenness of their respective title-pages; andI believe that, even now, a publisher of the works of either of thosejustly distinguished men would find his account in procuring theiradmission to the membership of learned bodies on the Continent, --aproceeding no whit more incongruous than the reversal of the judgmentagainst Socrates, when he was already more than twenty centuries beyondthe reach of antidotes, and when his memory had acquired a deservedrespectability. I conceive that it was a feeling of the importance ofthis precaution which induced Mr. Locke to style himself "Gent. " on thetitle-page of his Essay, as who should say to his readers that theycould receive his metaphysics on the honor of a gentleman. 

Nevertheless, finding, that, without descending to a smaller size oftype than would have been compatible with the dignity of the severalsocieties to be named, I could not compress my intended list within thelimits of a single page, and thinking, moreover, that the act wouldcarry with it an air of decorous modesty, I have chosen to take thereader aside, as it were, into my private closet, and there not onlyexhibit to him the diplomas which I already possess, but also to furnishhim with a prophetic vision of those which I may, without unduepresumption, hope for, as not beyond the reach of human ambition andattainment. And I am the rather induced to this from the fact, that myname has been unaccountably dropped from the last triennial catalogue ofour beloved _Alma Mater_. Whether this is to be attributed to thedifficulty of Latinizing any of those honorary adjuncts (with a completelist of which I took care to furnish the proper persons nearly a yearbeforehand), or whether it had its origin in any more culpable motives, I forbear to consider in this place, the matter being in course ofpainful investigation. But, however this may be, I felt the omission themore keenly, as I had, in expectation of the new catalogue, enriched thelibrary of the Jaalam Athenæum with the old one then in my possession, by which means it has come about that my children will be deprived of anever-wearying winter-evening's amusement in looking out the name oftheir parent in that distinguished roll. Those harmless innocents had atleast committed no----but I forbear, having intrusted my reflections andanimadversions on this painful topic to the safe-keeping of my privatediary, intended for posthumous publication. I state this fact here, inorder that certain nameless individuals, who are, perhaps, overmuchcongratulating themselves upon my silence, may know that a rod is inpickle which the vigorous hand of a justly incensed posterity will applyto their memories. 

The careful reader will note, that, in the list which I have prepared, Ihave included the names of several Cisatlantic societies to which aplace is not commonly assigned in processions of this nature. I haveventured to do this, not only to encourage native ambition and genius, but also because I have never been able to perceive in what way distance(unless we suppose them at the end of a lever) could increase the weightof learned bodies. As far as I have been able to extend my researchesamong such stuffed specimens as occasionally reach America, I havediscovered no generic difference between the antipodal _FogrumJaponicum_ and the _F. Americanum_ sufficiently common in our ownimmediate neighbourhood. Yet, with a becoming deference to the popularbelief, that distinctions of this sort are enhanced in value by everyadditional mile they travel, I have intermixed the names of sometolerably distant literary and other associations with the rest. 

I add here, also, an advertisement, which, that it may be the morereadily understood by those persons especially interested therein, Ihave written in that curtailed and otherwise maltreated canine Latin, tothe writing and reading of which they are accustomed. 

OMNIB. PER TOT. ORB. TERRAR. CATALOG. ACADEM. EDD. 

Minim. Gent. Diplom. Ab inclytiss. Acad. Vest. Orans, vir. Honorand. Operosiss. , at sol. Ut sciat. Quant. Glor. Nom. Meum (dipl. Fort. Concess. ) catal. Vest. Temp. Futur. Affer. , ill. Subjec. , addit. Omnib. Titul. Honorar. Qu. Adh. Non tant. Opt. Quam probab. Put. 

*** _Litt. Uncial. Distinx. Ut Præs. S. Hist. Nat. Jaal. _

_HOMERUS WILBUR_, Mr. , Episc. Jaalam. S. T. D. 1850, et Yal. 1849, etNeo-Cæs. Et Brun. Et Gulielm. 1852, et Gul. Et Mar. Et Bowd. EtGeorgiop. Et Viridimont. Et Columb. Nov. Ebor. 1853, et Amherst. EtWatervill. Et S. Jarlath. Hib. Et S. Mar. Et S. Joseph. Et S. And. Scot. 1854, et Nashvill et Dart. Et Dickins. Et Concord. Et Wash. EtColumbian. Et Charlest. Et Jeff. Et Dubl. Et Oxon. Et Cantab. Et cæt. 1855, P. U. N. C. H. Et J. U. D. Gott. Et Osnab. Et Heidelb. 1860, etAcad. BORE US. Berolin. Soc. Et SS. RR. Lugd. Bat. Et Patav. Et Lond. EtEdinb. Et Ins. Feejee. Et Null. Terr. Et Pekin. Soc. Hon. Et S. H. S. EtS. P. A. Et A. A. S. Et S. Humb. Univ. Et S. Omn. Rer. Quarund. Q. Aliar. Promov. Passamaquod. Et H. P. C. Et I. O. H. Et Α. Δ. Φ. Et Π. Κ. Ρ. Et Φ. Β. Κ. Et Peucin. Et Erosoph. Et Philadelph. Et Frat. In Unit. Et Σ. Τ. Et S. Archæolog. Athen. Et Acad. Scient. Et Lit. Panorm. Et SS. R. H. Matrit. Et Beeloochist. Et Caffrar. Et Caribb. Et M. S. Reg. Paris. Et S. Am. Antiserv. Soc. Hon. Et P. D. Gott. Et LL. D. 1852, etD. C. L. Et Mus. Doc. Oxon. 1860, et M. M. S. S. Et M. D. 1854, et Med. Fac. Univ. Harv. Soc. Et S. Pro Convers. Pollywog. Soc. Hon. Et Higgl. Piggl. Et LL. B. 1853, et S. Pro Christianiz. Moschet. Soc. , et SS. Ante-Diluv. Ubiq. Gent. Soc. Hon. Et Civit. Cleric. Jaalam. Et S. ProDiffus. General. Tenebr. Secret. Corr. 

INTRODUCTION. 

When, more than three years ago, my talented young parishioner, Mr. Biglow, came to me and submitted to my animadversions the first of hispoems which he intended to commit to the more hazardous trial of a citynewspaper, it never so much as entered my imagination to conceive thathis productions would ever be gathered into a fair volume, and usheredinto the august presence of the reading public by myself. So little arewe short-sighted mortals able to predict the event! I confess that thereis to me a quite new satisfaction in being associated (though only assleeping partner) in a book which can stand by itself in an independentunity on the shelves of libraries. For there is always this drawbackfrom the pleasure of printing a sermon, that, whereas the queasy stomachof this generation will not bear a discourse long enough to make aseparate volume, those religious and godly-minded children (thoseSamuels, if I may call them so) of the brain must at first lie buried inan undistinguished heap, and then get such resurrection as isvouchsafed to them, mummy-wrapt with a score of others in a cheapbinding, with no other mark of distinction than the word"_Miscellaneous_" printed upon the back. Far be it from me to claim anycredit for the quite unexpected popularity which I am pleased to findthese bucolic strains have attained unto. If I know myself, I ammeasurably free from the itch of vanity; yet I may be allowed to saythat I was not backward to recognize in them a certain wild, puckery, acidulous (sometimes even verging toward that point which, in our rusticphrase, is termed _shut-eye_) flavour, not wholly unpleasing, norunwholesome, to palates cloyed with the sugariness of tamed andcultivated fruit. It may be, also, that some touches of my own, here andthere, may have led to their wider acceptance, albeit solely from mylarger experience of literature and authorship. [3]

I was, at first, inclined to discourage Mr. Biglow's attempts, asknowing that the desire to poetize is one of the diseases naturallyincident to adolescence, which, if the fitting remedies be not at onceand with a bold hand applied, may become chronic, and render one, whomight else have become in due time an ornament of the social circle, apainful object even to nearest friends and relatives. But thinking, on afurther experience, that there was a germ of promise in him whichrequired only culture and the pulling up of weeds from around it, Ithought it best to set before him the acknowledged examples of Englishcompositions in verse, and leave the rest to natural emulation. Withthis view, I accordingly lent him some volumes of Pope and Goldsmith, tothe assiduous study of which he promised to devote his evenings. Notlong afterwards he brought me some verses written upon that model, aspecimen of which I subjoin, having changed some phrases of lesselegancy, and a few rhymes objectionable to the cultivated ear. The poemconsisted of childish reminiscences, and the sketches which follow willnot seem destitute of truth to those whose fortunate education began ina country village. And, first, let us hang up his charcoal portrait ofthe school-dame. 

 "Propt on the marsh, a dwelling now, I see The humble school-house of my A, B, C, Where well-drilled urchins, each behind his tire, Waited in ranks the wished command to fire; Then all together, when the signal came, Discharged their _a-b abs_ against the dame, Who, 'mid the volleyed learning, firm and calm, Patted the furloughed ferule on her palm, And, to our wonder, could detect at once, Who flashed the pan, and who was downright dunce. 

 There young Devotion learned to climb with ease The gnarly limbs of Scripture family-trees, And he was most commended and admired Who soonest to the topmost twig perspired; Each name was called as many various ways As pleased the reader's ear on different days, So that the weather, or the ferule's stings, Colds in the head, or fifty other things, Transformed the helpless Hebrew thrice a week To guttural Pequot or resounding Greek, The vibrant accent skipping here and there, Just as it pleased invention or despair; No controversial Hebraist was the Dame; With or without the points pleased her the same; If any tyro found a name too tough, And looked at her, pride furnished skill enough; She nerved her larynx for the desperate thing, And cleared the five-barred syllables at a spring. 

 Ah, dear old times! there once it was my hap, Perched on a stool, to wear the long-eared cap; From books degraded, there I sat at ease, A drone, the envy of compulsory bees. "

I add only one further extract, which will possess a melancholy interestto all such as have endeavoured to glean the materials of Revolutionaryhistory from the lips of aged persons, who took a part in the actualmaking of it, and, finding the manufacture profitable, continued thesupply in an adequate proportion to the demand. 

 "Old Joe is gone, who saw hot Percy goad His slow artillery up the Concord road, A tale which grew in wonder, year by year, As, every time he told it, Joe drew near To the main fight, till, faded and grown gray, The original scene to bolder tints gave way; Then Joe had heard the foe's scared double-quick Beat on stove drum with one uncaptured stick, And, ere death came the lengthening tale to lop, Himself had fired, and seen a red-coat drop; Had Joe lived long enough, that scrambling fight Had squared more nearly to his sense of right, And vanquished Percy, to complete the tale, Had hammered stone for life in Concord jail. "

I do not know that the foregoing extracts ought not to be called my ownrather than Mr. Biglow's, as, indeed, he maintained stoutly that my filehad left nothing of his in them. I should not, perhaps, have feltentitled to take so great liberties with them, had I not more thansuspected an hereditary vein of poetry in myself, a very near ancestorhaving written a Latin poem in the Harvard _Gratulatio_ on the accessionof George the Third. Suffice it to say, that, whether not satisfied withsuch limited approbation as I could conscientiously bestow, or from asense of natural inaptitude, I know not, certain it is that my youngfriend could never be induced to any further essays in this kind. Heaffirmed that it was to him like writing in a foreign tongue, --that Mr. Pope's versification was like the regular ticking of one of Willard'sclocks, in which one could fancy, after long listening, a certain kindof rhythm or tune, but which yet was only a poverty-stricken _tick, tick_ after all, --and that he had never seen a sweet-water on a trellisgrowing so fairly, or in forms so pleasing to his eye, as a fox-grapeover a scrub-oak in a swamp. He added I know not what, to the effectthat the sweet-water would only be the more disfigured by having itsleaves starched and ironed out, and that Pegāsus (so he called him)hardly looked right with his mane and tail in curl-papers. These andother such opinions I did not long strive to eradicate, attributing themrather to a defective education and senses untuned by too longfamiliarity with purely natural objects, than to a perverted moralsense. I was the more inclined to this leniency since sufficientevidence was not to seek, that his verses, as wanting as they certainlywere in classic polish and point, had somehow taken hold of the publicear in a surprising manner. So, only setting him right as to thequantity of the proper name Pegasus, I left him to follow the bent ofhis natural genius. 

There are two things upon which it would seem fitting to dilate somewhatmore largely in this place, --the Yankee character and the Yankeedialect. And, first, of the Yankee character, which has wanted neitheropen maligners, nor even more dangerous enemies in the persons of thoseunskilful painters who have given to it that hardness, angularity, andwant of proper perspective, which, in truth, belonged, not to theirsubject, but to their own niggard and unskilful pencil. 

New England was not so much the colony of a mother country, as a Hagardriven forth into the wilderness. The little self-exiled band which camehither in 1620 came, not to seek gold, but to found a democracy. Theycame that they might have the privilege to work and pray, to sit uponhard benches and listen to painful preachers as long as they would, yea, even unto thirty-seventhly, if the spirit so willed it. And surely, ifthe Greek might boast his Thermopylæ, where three hundred men fell inresisting the Persian, we may well be proud of our Plymouth Rock, wherea handful of men, women, and children not merely faced, but vanquished, winter, famine, the wilderness, and the yet more invincible _storge_that drew them back to the green island far away. These found no lotusgrowing upon the surly shore, the taste of which could make them forgettheir little native Ithaca; nor were they so wanting to themselves infaith as to burn their ship, but could see the fair west wind belly thehomeward sail, and then turn unrepining to grapple with the terribleUnknown. 

As Want was the prime foe these hardy exodists had to fortress themselvesagainst, so it is little wonder if that traditional feud is long in wearingout of the stock. The wounds of the old warfare were long ahealing, and aneast wind of hard times puts a new ache in every one of them. Thrift wasthe first lesson in their horn-book, pointed out, letter after letter, bythe lean finger of the hard schoolmaster, Necessity. Neither were thoseplump, rosy-gilled Englishmen that came hither, but a hard-faced, atrabilious, earnest-eyed race, stiff from long wrestling with the Lord inprayer, and who had taught Satan to dread the new Puritan hug. Add twohundred years' influence of soil, climate, and exposure, with its necessaryresult of idiosyncrasies, and we have the present Yankee, full ofexpedients, half-master of all trades, inventive in all but the beautiful, full of shifts, not yet capable of comfort, armed at all points against theold enemy Hunger, longanimous, good at patching, not so careful for what isbest as for what will _do_, with a clasp to his purse and a button to hispocket, not skilled to build against Time, as in old countries, but againstsore-pressing Need, accustomed to move the world with no ποῦ στῶ but hisown two feet, and no lever but his own long forecast. A strange hybrid, indeed, did circumstance beget, here in the New World, upon the old Puritanstock, and the earth never before saw such mystic-practicalism, suchniggard-geniality, such calculating-fanaticism, such cast-iron-enthusiasm, such unwilling humour, such close-fisted-generosity. This new _Græculusesuriens_ will make a living out of any thing. He will invent new tradesas well as tools. His brain is his capital, and he will get education atall risks. Put him on Juan Fernandez, and he would make a spelling-bookfirst, and a salt-pan afterwards. _In cœlum, jusseris, ibit_, --or theother way either, --it is all one, so any thing is to be got by it. Yet, after all, thin, speculative Jonathan is more like the Englishman of twocenturies ago than John Bull himself is. He has lost somewhat insolidity, has become fluent and adaptable, but more of the originalgroundwork of character remains. He feels more at home with FulkeGreville, Herbert of Cherbury, Quarles, George Herbert, and Browne, thanwith his modern English cousins. He is nearer than John, by at least ahundred years, to Naseby, Marston Moor, Worcester, and the time when, ifever, there were true Englishmen. John Bull has suffered the idea of theInvisible to be very much flattened out of him. Jonathan is consciousstill that he lives in the world of the Unseen as well as of the Seen. To move John, you must make your fulcrum of solid beef and pudding; anabstract idea will do for Jonathan. 

 * * * * *

*** TO THE INDULGENT READER. 

My friend, the Rev. Mr. Wilbur, having been seized with a dangerous fitof illness, before this Introduction had passed through the press, andbeing incapacitated for all literary exertion, sent to me his notes, memoranda, &c. , and requested me to fashion them into some shape morefitting for the general eye. This, owing to the fragmentary anddisjointed state of his manuscripts, I have felt wholly unable to do;yet, being unwilling that the reader should be deprived of such parts ofhis lucubrations as seemed more finished, and not well discerning how tosegregate these from the rest, I have concluded to send them all to thepress precisely as they are. 

COLUMBUS NYE, _Pastor of a Church in Bungtown Corner_. 

 * * * * *

It remains to speak of the Yankee dialect. And, first, it may bepremised, in a general way, that any one much read in the writings ofthe early colonists need not be told that the far greater share of thewords and phrases now esteemed peculiar to New England, and local there, were brought from the mother-country. A person familiar with the dialectof certain portions of Massachusetts will not fail to recognize, inordinary discourse, many words now noted in English vocabularies asarchaic, the greater part of which were in common use about the time ofthe King James translation of the Bible. Shakspeare stands less in needof a glossary to most New Englanders than to many a native of the OldCountry. The peculiarities of our speech, however, are rapidly wearingout. As there is no country where reading is so universal and newspapersare so multitudinous, so no phrase remains long local, but istransplanted in the mail-bags to every remotest corner of the land. Consequently our dialect approaches nearer to uniformity than that ofany other nation. 

The English have complained of us for coining new words. Many of thoseso stigmatized were old ones by them forgotten, and all make now anunquestioned part of the currency, wherever English is spoken. Undoubtedly, we have a right to make new words, as they are needed bythe fresh aspects under which life presents itself here in the NewWorld; and, indeed, wherever a language is alive, it grows. It might bequestioned whether we could not establish a stronger title to theownership of the English tongue than the mother-islanders themselves. Here, past all question, is to be its great home and centre. And notonly is it already spoken here by greater numbers, but with a far higherpopular average of correctness, than in Britain. The great writers ofit, too, we might claim as ours, were ownership to be settled by thenumber of readers and lovers. 

As regards the provincialisms to be met with in this volume, I may saythat the reader will not find one which is not (as I believe) eithernative or imported with the early settlers, nor one which I have not, with my own ears, heard in familiar use. In the metrical portion of thebook, I have endeavoured to adapt the spelling as nearly as possible tothe ordinary mode of pronunciation. Let the reader who deems meoverparticular remember this caution of Martial:--

 "_Quem recitas, meus est, O Fidentine, libellus; Sed male cum recitas, incipit esse tuus. _"

A few further explanatory remarks will not be impertinent. 

I shall barely lay down a few general rules for the reader's guidance. 

1. The genuine Yankee never gives the rough sound to the _r_ when he canhelp it, and often displays considerable ingenuity in avoiding it evenbefore a vowel. 

2. He seldom sounds the final _g_, a piece of self-denial, if weconsider his partiality for nasals. The same of the final _d_, as _han'_and _stan'_ for _hand_ and _stand_. 

3. The _h_ in such words as _while_, _when_, _where_, he omitsaltogether. 

4. In regard to _a_, he shows some inconsistency, sometimes giving aclose and obscure sound, as _hev_ for _have_, _hendy_ for _handy_, _ez_for _as_, _thet_ for _that_, and again giving it the broad sound it hasin _father_, as _hânsome_ for _handsome_. 

5. To the sound _ou_ he prefixes an _e_ (hard to exemplify otherwisethan orally). 

The following passage in Shakspeare he would recite thus:--

 "Neow is the winta uv eour discontent Med glorious summa by this sun o' Yock, An' all the cleouds thet leowered upun eour heouse In the deep buzzum o' the oshin buried; Neow air eour breows beound 'ith victorious wreaths; Eour breused arms hung up fer monimunce; Eour starn alarums chănged to merry meetins, Eour dreffle marches to delightful measures. Grim-visaged war heth smeuthed his wrinkled front, An' neow, instid o' mountin' barebid steeds To fright the souls o' ferfle edverseries, He capers nimly in a lady's chămber, To the lascivious pleasin' uv a loot. "

6. _Au_, in such words as _daughter_ and _slaughter_, he pronounces_ah_. 

7. To the dish thus seasoned add a drawl _ad libitum_. 

[Mr. Wilbur's notes here become entirely fragmentary. --C. N. ]

α. Unable to procure a likeness of Mr. Biglow, I thought the curiousreader might be gratified with a sight of the editorial effigies. Andhere a choice between two was offered, --the one a profile (entirelyblack) cut by Doyle, the other a portrait painted by a native artist ofmuch promise. The first of these seemed wanting in expression, and inthe second a slight obliquity of the visual organs has been heightened(perhaps from an over-desire of force on the part of the artist) intotoo close an approach to actual _strabismus_. This slight divergence inmy optical apparatus from the ordinary model--however I may have beentaught to regard it in the light of a mercy rather than a cross, sinceit enabled me to give as much of directness and personal application tomy discourses as met the wants of my congregation, without risk ofoffending any by being supposed to have him or her in my eye (as thesaying is)--seemed yet to Mrs. Wilbur a sufficient objection to theengraving of the aforesaid painting. We read of many who eitherabsolutely refused to allow the copying of their features, as especiallydid Plotinus and Agesilaus among the ancients, not to mention the moremodern instances of Scioppius Palæottus, Pinellus, Velserus, Gataker, and others, or were indifferent thereto, as Cromwell. 

β. Yet was Cæsar desirous of concealing his baldness. _Per contra_, myLord Protector's carefulness in the matter of his wart might be cited. Men generally more desirous of being _improved_ in their portraits thancharacters. Shall probably find very unflattered likenesses of ourselvesin Recording Angel's gallery. 

 * * * * *

γ. Whether any of our national peculiarities may be traced to our useof stoves, as a certain closeness of the lips in pronunciation, and asmothered smoulderingness of disposition, seldom roused to open flame?An unrestrained intercourse with fire probably conducive to generosityand hospitality of soul. Ancient Mexicans used stoves, as the friarAugustin Ruiz reports, Hakluyt, III. , 468, --but Popish priests notalways reliable authority. 

To-day picked my Isabella grapes. Crop injured by attacks of rose-bug inthe spring. Whether Noah was justifiable in preserving this class ofinsects?

δ. Concerning Mr. Biglow's pedigree. Tolerably certain that there wasnever a poet among his ancestors. An ordination hymn attributed to amaternal uncle, but perhaps a sort of production not demanding thecreative faculty. 

His grandfather a painter of the grandiose or Michael Angelo school. Seldom painted objects smaller than houses or barns, and these withuncommon expression. 

 * * * * *

ε. Of the Wilburs no complete pedigree. The crest said to be a _wildboar_, whence, perhaps, the name. (?) A connection with the Earls ofWilbraham (_quasi_ wild boar ham) might be made out. This suggestionworth following up. In 1677, John W. M. Expect ----, had issue, 1. John, 2. Haggai, 3. Expect, 4. Ruhamah, 5. Desire. 

 "Hear lyes y^e bodye of Mrs Expect Wilber, Y^e crewell salvages they kil'd her Together w^th other Christian soles eleaven, October y^e ix daye, 1707. Y^e stream of Jordan sh' as crost ore And now expeacts me on y^e other shore: I live in hope her soon to join; Her earthlye yeeres were forty and nine. " _From Gravestone in Pekussett, North Parish. _

This is unquestionably the same John who afterward (1711) marriedTabitha Hagg or Rag. 

But if this were the case, she seems to have died early; for only threeyears after, namely, 1714, we have evidence that he married Winifred, daughter of Lieutenant Tipping. 

He seems to have been a man of substance, for we find him in 1696conveying "one undivided eightieth part of a salt-meadow" in Yabbok, andhe commanded a sloop in 1702. 

Those who doubt the importance of genealogical studies _fuste potiusquam argumento erudiendi_. 

I trace him as far as 1723, and there lose him. In that year he waschosen selectman. 

No gravestone. Perhaps overthrown when new hearse-house was built, 1802. 

He was probably the son of John, who came from Bilham Comit. Salop. Circa 1642. 

This first John was a man of considerable importance, being twicementioned with the honourable prefix of _Mr. _ in the town records. Namespelt with two _l_-s. 

 "Hear lyeth y^e bod [_stone unhappily broken_. ] Mr. Ihon Willber [Esq. ] [_I inclose this in brackets as doubtful. To me it seems clear. _] Ob't die [_illegible; looks like xviii. _] . .. Iii [_prob. 1693. _] . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. Paynt . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. Deseased seinte: A friend and [fath]er untoe all y^e opreast, Hee gave y^e wicked familists noe reast, When Sat[an bl]ewe his Antinomian blaste, Wee clong to [Willber as a steadf]ast maste. [A]gaynst y^e horrid Qua[kers]. .. . "

It is greatly to be lamented that this curious epitaph is mutilated. Itis said that the sacrilegious British soldiers made a target of thisstone during the war of Independence. How odious an animosity whichpauses not at the grave! How brutal that which spares not the monumentsof authentic history! This is not improbably from the pen of Rev. ModdyPyram, who is mentioned by Hubbard as having been noted for a silvervein of poetry. If his papers be still extant, a copy might possibly berecovered. 

FOOTNOTES:

[3] The reader curious in such matters may refer (if he can find them)to "A Sermon preached on the Anniversary of the Dark Day, " "An ArtilleryElection Sermon, " "A Discourse on the Late Eclipse, " "Dorcas, a FuneralSermon on the Death of Madam Submit Tidd, Relict of the late ExperienceTidd, Esq. " &c. &c. 

THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 

No. I. 

A LETTER

 FROM MR. EZEKIEL BIGLOW OF JAALAM TO THE HON. JOSEPH T. BUCKINGHAM, EDITOR OF THE BOSTON COURIER, INCLOSING A POEM OF HIS SON, MR. HOSEA BIGLOW. 

 JAYLEM, june 1846. 

MISTER EDDYTER:--Our Hosea wuz down to Boston last week, and he see acruetin Sarjunt a struttin round as popler as a hen with 1 chicking, with 2 fellers a drummin and fifin arter him like all nater. The sarjunthe thout Hosea hedn't gut his i teeth cut cos he looked a kindo's thoughhe'd jest com down, so he cal'lated to hook him in, but Hosy woodn'ttake none o' his sarse for all he hed much as 20 Rooster's tales stuckonto his hat and eenamost enuf brass a bobbin up and down on hisshoulders and figureed onto his coat and trousis, let alone wut naterhed sot in his featers, to make a 6 pounder out on. 

wal, Hosea he com home considerabal riled, and arter I d gone to bed Iheern Him a thrashin round like a short-tailed Bull in fli-time. The oldWoman ses she to me ses she, Zekle, ses she, our Hosee's gut thechollery or suthin anuther ses she, don't you Bee skeered, ses I, he'soney amakin pottery[4] ses i, he's ollers on hand at that ere busyneslike Da & martin, and shure enuf, cum mornin, Hosy he cum down staresfull chizzle, hare on eend and cote tales flyin, and sot rite of to goreed his varses to Parson Wilbur bein he haint aney grate shows o' booklarnin himself, bimeby he cum back and sed the parson wuz dreffletickled with 'em as i hoop you will Be, and said they wuz True grit. 

Hosea ses taint hardly fair to call 'em hisn now, cos the parson kind o'slicked off sum o' the last varses, but he told Hosee he didn't want toput his ore in to tetch to the Rest on 'em, bein they wuz verry well Asthay wuz, and then Hosy ses he sed suthin a nuther about SimplexMundishes or sum sech feller, but I guess Hosea kind o' didn't hear him, for I never hearn o' nobody o' that name in this villadge, and I'velived here man and boy 76 year cum next tater diggin, and thair aint nowheres a kitting spryer 'n I be. 

If you print 'em I wish you'd jest let folks know who hosy's father is, cos my ant Keziah used to say it's nater to be curus ses she, she aintlivin though and he's a likely kind o' lad. 

 EZEKIEL BIGLOW. 

 * * * * *

 Thrash away, you 'll _hev_ to rattle On them kittle drums o' yourn, -- 'Taint a knowin' kind o' cattle Thet is ketched with mouldy corn; Put in stiff, you fifer feller, Let folks see how spry you be, -- Guess you 'll toot till you are yeller 'Fore you git ahold o' me!

 Thet air flag 's a leetle rotten, Hope it aint your Sunday's best;-- Fact! it takes a sight o' cotton To stuff out a soger's chest: Sence we farmers hev to pay fer 't, Ef you must wear humps like these, Sposin' you should try salt hay fer 't, It would du ez slick ez grease. 

 'T would n't suit them Southern fellers, They 're a dreffle graspin' set, We must ollers blow the bellers Wen they want their irons het; May be it 's all right ez preachin', But _my_ narves it kind o' grates, Wen I see the overreachin' O' them nigger-drivin' States. 

 Them thet rule us, them slave-traders, Haint they cut a thunderin' swarth (Helped by Yankee renegaders), Thru the vartu o' the North! We begin to think it 's nater To take sarse an' not be riled;-- Who 'd expect to see a tater All on eend at bein' biled?

 Ez fer war, I call it murder, -- There you hev it plain an' flat; I don't want to go no furder Than my Testyment fer that; God hez sed so plump an' fairly, It 's ez long ez it is broad, An' you 've gut to git up airly Ef you want to take in God. 

 'Taint your eppyletts an' feathers Make the thing a grain more right; Taint afollerin' your bell-wethers Will excuse ye in His sight; Ef you take a sword an' dror it, An' go stick a feller thru, Guv'ment aint to answer for it, God 'll send the bill to you. 

 Wut 's the use o' meetin-goin' Every Sabbath, wet or dry, Ef it 's right to go amowin' Feller-men like oats an' rye? I dunno but wut it's pooty Trainin' round in bobtail coats, -- But it 's curus Christian dooty This ere cuttin' folks's throats. 

 They may talk o' Freedom's airy Tell they 're pupple in the face, -- It 's a grand gret cemetary Fer the barthrights of our race; They jest want this Californy So 's to lug new slave-states in To abuse ye, an' to scorn ye, An' to plunder ye like sin. 

 Aint it cute to see a Yankee Take sech everlastin' pains All to git the Devil's thankee, Helpin' on 'em weld their chains? Wy, it 's jest ez clear ez figgers, Clear ez one an' one make two, Chaps thet make black slaves o' niggers Want to make wite slaves o' you. 

 Tell ye jest the eend I've come to Arter cipherin' plaguy smart, An' it makes a handy sum, tu, Any gump could larn by heart; Laborin' man an' laborin' woman Hev one glory an' one shame, Ev'y thin' thet 's done inhuman Injers all on 'em the same. 

 'Taint by turnin' out to hack folks You 're agoin' to git your right, Nor by lookin' down on black folks Coz you 're put upon by wite; Slavery aint o' nary colour, 'Taint the hide thet makes it wus, All it keers fer in a feller 'S jest to make him fill its pus. 

 Want to tackle _me_ in, du ye? I expect you 'll hev to wait; Wen cold lead puts daylight thru ye You 'll begin to kal'late; 'Spose the crows wun't fall to pickin' All the carkiss from your bones, Coz you helped to give a lickin' To them poor half-Spanish drones?

 Jest go home an' ask our Nancy Wether I'd be sech a goose Ez to jine ye, --guess you'd fancy The etarnal bung wuz loose! She wants me fer home consumption, Let alone the hay 's to mow, -- Ef you 're arter folks o' gumption, You've a darned long row to hoe. 

 Take them editors thet 's crowin' Like a cockerel three months old, -- Don't ketch any on 'em goin', Though they _be_ so blasted bold; _Aint_ they a prime set o' fellers? 'Fore they think on 't they will sprout (Like a peach thet's got the yellers), With the meanness bustin' out. 

 Wal, go 'long to help 'em stealin' Bigger pens to cram with slaves, Help the men thet 's ollers dealin' Insults on your fathers' graves; Help the strong to grind the feeble, Help the many agin the few, Help the men thet call your people Witewashed slaves an' peddlin' crew!

 Massachusetts, God forgive her, She's akneelin' with the rest, She, thet ough' to ha' clung fer ever In her grand old eagle-nest; She thet ough' to stand so fearless Wile the wracks are round her hurled, Holdin' up a beacon peerless To the oppressed of all the world!

 Haint they sold your coloured seamen? Haint they made your env'ys wiz? _Wut_ 'll make ye act like freemen? _Wut_ 'll git your dander riz? Come, I'll tell ye wut I 'm thinkin' Is our dooty in this fix, They 'd ha' done 't ez quick ez winkin' In the days o' seventy-six. 

 Clang the bells in every steeple, Call all true men to disown The tradoocers of our people, The enslavers o' their own; Let our dear old Bay State proudly Put the trumpet to her mouth, Let her ring this messidge loudly In the ears of all the South:--

 "I 'll return ye good fer evil Much ez we frail mortils can, But I wun't go help the Devil Makin' man the cus o' man; Call me coward, call me traiter, Jest ez suits your mean idees, -- Here I stand a tyrant-hater, An' the friend o' God an Peace!"

 Ef I'd _my_ way I hed ruther We should go to work an' part, -- They take one way, we take t'other, -- Guess it would n't break my heart; Men hed ough' to put asunder Them thet God has noways jined; An' I should n't gretly wonder Ef there 's thousands o' my mind. 

[The first recruiting sergeant on record I conceive to have been thatindividual who is mentioned in the Book of Job as _going to and fro inthe earth, and walking up and down in it_. Bishop Latimer will have himto have been a bishop, but to me that other calling would appear morecongenial. The sect of Cainites is not yet extinct, who esteemed thefirst-born of Adam to be the most worthy, not only because of thatprivilege of primogeniture, but inasmuch as he was able to overcome andslay his younger brother. That was a wise saying of the famous MarquisPescara to the Papal Legate, that _it was impossible for men to serveMars and Christ at the same time_. Yet in time past the profession ofarms was judged to be κατ' ἐξοχήν that of a gentleman, nor does thisopinion want for strenuous upholders even in our day. Must we suppose, then, that the profession of Christianity was only intended for losels, or, at best, to afford an opening for plebeian ambition? Or shall wehold with that nicely metaphysical Pomeranian, Captain Vratz, who wasCount Königsmark's chief instrument in the murder of Mr. Thynne, thatthe scheme of salvation has been arranged with an especial eye to thenecessities of the upper classes, and that "God would consider _agentleman_, and deal with him suitably to the condition and professionhe had placed him in"? It may be said of us all, _Exemplo plus quamratione vivimus_. --H. W. ]

FOOTNOTES:

[4] _Aut insanit, aut versus facit. _--H. W. 

No. II. 

A LETTER

 FROM MR. HOSEA BIGLOW TO THE HON. J. T. BUCKINGHAM, EDITOR OF THE BOSTON COURIER, COVERING A LETTER FROM MR. B. SAWIN, PRIVATE IN THE MASSACHUSETTS REGIMENT. 

[This letter of Mr. Sawin's was not originally written in verse. Mr. Biglow, thinking it peculiarly susceptible of metrical adornment, translated it, so to speak, into his own vernacular tongue. This is notthe time to consider the question, whether rhyme be a mode of expressionnatural to the human race. If leisure from other and more importantavocations be granted, I will handle the matter more at large in anappendix to the present volume. In this place I will barely remark, thatI have sometimes noticed in the unlanguaged prattlings of infants afondness for alliteration, assonance, and even rhyme, in which naturalpredisposition we may trace the three degrees through which ourAnglo-Saxon verse rose to its culmination in the poetry of Pope. I wouldnot be understood as questioning in these remarks that pious theorywhich supposes that children, if left entirely to themselves, wouldnaturally discourse in Hebrew. For this the authority of one experimentis claimed, and I could, with Sir Thomas Browne, desire itsestablishment, inasmuch as the acquirement of that sacred tongue wouldthereby be facilitated. I am aware that Herodotus states the conclusionof Psammiticus to have been in favour of a dialect of the Phrygian. But, beside the chance that a trial of this importance would hardly beblessed to a Pagan monarch whose only motive was curiosity, we have onthe Hebrew side the comparatively recent investigation of James theFourth of Scotland. I will add to this prefatory remark, that Mr. Sawin, though a native of Jaalam, has never been a stated attendant on thereligious exercises of my congregation. I consider my humble effortsprospered in that not one of my sheep hath ever indued the wolf'sclothing of war, save for the comparatively innocent diversion of amilitia training. Not that my flock are backward to undergo thehardships of _defensive_ warfare. They serve cheerfully in the greatarmy which fights even unto death _pro aris et focis_, accoutred withthe spade, the axe, the plane, the sledge, the spelling-book, and othersuch effectual weapons against want and ignorance and unthrift. I havetaught them (under God) to esteem our human institutions as but tents ofa night, to be stricken whenever Truth puts the bugle to her lips, andsounds a march to the heights of wider-viewed intelligence and moreperfect organization. --H. W. ]

MISTER BUCKINUM, the follerin Billet was writ hum by a Yung feller ofour town that wuz cussed fool enuff to goe atrottin inter Miss Chiffarter a Drum and fife. It ain't Nater for a feller to let on that he'ssick o' any bizness that He went intu off his own free will and a Cord, but I rather cal'late he's middlin tired o' Voluntearin By this Time. Ibleeve u may put dependunts on his statemence. For I never heered nothinbad on him let Alone his havin what Parson Wilbur calls a _pongshong_for cocktales, and he ses it wuz a soshiashun of idees sot him agoinarter the Crootin Sargient cos he wore a cocktale onto his hat. 

his Folks gin the letter to me and i shew it to parson Wilbur and he sesit oughter Bee printed. Send It to mister Buckinum, ses he, i don'tollers agree with him, ses he, but by Time, [5] ses he, I _du_ like afeller that ain't a Feared. 

I have intusspussed a Few refleckshuns hear and thair. We're kind o'prest with Hayin. 

 Ewers respecfly, HOSEA BIGLOW. 

 * * * * *

 This kind o' sogerin' aint a mite like our October trainin', A chap could clear right out from there ef 't only looked like rainin'. An' th' Cunnles, tu, could kiver up their shappoes with bandanners, An' send the insines skootin' to the bar-room with their banners (Fear o' gittin' on 'em spotted), an' a feller could cry quarter Ef he fired away his ramrod arter tu much rum an' water. 

 Recollect wut fun we hed, you 'n I an' Ezry Hollis, Up there to Waltham plain last fall, ahavin' the Cornwallis?[6] This sort o' thing aint _jest_ like thet, --I wish thet I wuz furder, --[7] Nimepunce a day fer killin' folks comes kind o' low fer murder (Wy I 've worked out to slarterin' some fer Deacon Cephas Billins, An' in the hardest times there wuz I ollers tetched ten shillins), There's sutthin' gits into my throat thet makes it hard to swaller, It comes so nateral to think about a hempen collar; It 's glory, --but, in spite o' all my tryin' to git callous, I feel a kind o' in a cart, aridin' to the gallus. But wen it comes to _bein'_ killed, --I tell ye I felt streaked The fust time ever I found out wy baggonets wuz peaked; Here's how it wuz: I started out to go to a fandango, The sentinul he ups an' sez, "Thet 's furder 'an you can go. " "None o' your sarse, " sez I; sez he, "Stan' back!" "Aint you a buster?" Sez I, "I 'm up to all thet air, I guess I've ben to muster; I know wy sentinuls air sot; you aint agoin' to eat us; Caleb haint no monopoly to court the seenoreetas; My folks to hum air full ez good ez hisn be, by golly!" An' so ez I wuz goin' by, not thinkin' wut would folly, The everlastin' cus he stuck his one-pronged pitchfork in me An' made a hole right thru my close ez ef I wuz an in'my. Wal, it beats all how big I felt hoorawin' in ole Funnel Wen Mister Bolles he gin the sword to our Leftenant Cunnle (It 's Mister Secondary Bolles, [8] thet writ the prize peace essay; Thet 's wy he did n't list himself along o us, I dessay), An' Rantoul, tu, talked pooty loud, but don't put _his_ foot in it, Coz human life 's so sacred thet he 's principled agin' it, -- Though I myself can 't rightly see it 's any wus achokin' on 'em Than puttin' bullets thru their lights, or with a bagnet pokin' on 'em; How dreffle slick he reeled it off (like Blitz at our lyceum Ahaulin' ribbins from his chops so quick you skeercely see 'em), About the Anglo-Saxon race (an' saxons would be handy To du the buryin' down here upon the Rio Grandy), About our patriotic pas an' our star-spangled banner, Our country's bird alookin' on an' singin' out hosanner, An' how he (Mister B. Himself) wuz happy fer Ameriky, -- I felt, ez sister Patience sez, a leetle mite histericky. I felt, I swon, ez though it wuz a dreffle kind o' privilege Atrampin' round thru Boston streets among the gutter's drivelage; I act'lly thought it wuz a treat to hear a little drummin', An' it did bonyfidy seem millanyum wuz acomin' Wen all on us got suits (darned like them wore in the state prison) An' every feller felt ez though all Mexico wuz hisn. [9]

 This 'ere 's about the meanest place a skunk could wal diskiver (Saltillo 's Mexican, I b'lieve, fer wut we call Saltriver). The sort o' trash a feller gits to eat doos beat all nater, I 'd give a year's pay fer a smell o' one good bluenose tater; The country here thet Mister Bolles declared to be so charmin' Throughout is swarmin' with the most alarmin' kind o' varmin'. He talked about delishis froots, but then it wuz a wopper all, The holl on't 's mud an' prickly pears, with here an' there a chapparal; You see a feller peekin' out, an', fust you know, a lariat Is round your throat an' you a copse, 'fore you can say, "Wut air ye at?"[10] You never see sech darned gret bugs (it may not be irrelevant To say I 've seen a _scarabæus pilularius_[11] big ez a year old elephant), The rigiment come up one day in time to stop a red bug From runnin' off with Cunnle Wright, --'t wuz jest a common _cimex lectularius_. One night I started up on eend an' thought I wuz to hum agin, I heern a horn, thinks I it 's Sol the fisherman hez come agin, _His_ bellowses is sound enough, --ez I 'm a livin' creeter, I felt a thing go thru my leg, --'t wuz nothin' more 'n a skeeter! Then there 's the yaller fever, tu, they call it here el vomito, -- (Come, thet wun't du, you landcrab there, I tell ye to le' _go_ my toe! My gracious! it 's a scorpion thet 's took a shine to play with 't, I dars n't skeer the tarnal thing fer fear he 'd run away with 't. ) Afore I come away from hum I hed a strong persuasion Thet Mexicans worn't human beans, [12]--an ourang outang nation, A sort o' folks a chap could kill an' never dream on 't arter, No more 'n a feller 'd dream o' pigs thet he hed hed to slarter; I 'd an idee thet they were built arter the darkie fashion all, An' kickin' coloured folks about, you know, 's a kind o' national; But wen I jined I worn't so wise ez thet air queen o' Sheby, Fer, come to look at 'em, they aint much diff'rent from wut we be, An' here we air ascrougin' 'em out o' thir own dominions, Ashelterin' 'em, ez Caleb sez, under our eagle's pinions, Wich means to take a feller up jest by the slack o' 's trowsis An' walk him Spanish clean right out o' all his homes an' houses; Wal, it doos seem a curus way, but then hooraw fer Jackson! It must be right, fer Caleb sez it 's reg'lar Anglosaxon. The Mex'cans don't fight fair, they say, they piz'n all the water, An' du amazin' lots o' things thet is n't wut they ough' to; Bein' they haint no lead, they make their bullets out o' copper An' shoot the darned things at us, tu, wich Caleb sez aint proper; He sez they 'd ough' to stan' right up an' let us pop 'em fairly (Guess wen he ketches 'em at thet he 'll hev to git up airly), Thet our nation 's bigger 'n theirn an' so its rights air bigger, An' thet it 's all to make 'em free thet we air pullin' trigger, Thet Anglo Saxondom's idee 's abreakin' 'em to pieces, An' thet idee 's thet every man doos jest wut he damn pleases; Ef I don't make his meanin' clear, perhaps in some respex I can, I know thet "every man" don't mean a nigger or a Mexican; An' there 's another thing I know, an' thet is, ef these creeturs, Thet stick an Anglosaxon mask onto State-prison feeturs, Should come to Jaalam Centre fer to argify an' spout on 't, The gals 'ould count the silver spoons the minnit they cleared out on 't. 

 This goin' ware glory waits ye haint one agreeable feetur, An' ef it worn't fer wakin' snakes, I 'd home agin short meter; O, would n't I be off, quick time, ef 't worn't thet I wuz sartin They 'd let the daylight into me to pay me fer desartin! I don't approve o' tellin' tales, but jest to you I may state Our ossifers aint wut they wuz afore they left the Bay-state; Then it wuz "Mister Sawin, sir, you 're middlin' well now, be ye? Step up an' take a nipper, sir; I 'm dreffle glad to see ye;" But now it 's "Ware 's my eppylet? here, Sawin, step an' fetch it! An' mind your eye, be thund'rin' spry, or, damn ye, you shall ketch it!" Wal, ez the Doctor sez, some pork will bile so, but by mighty, Ef I hed some on 'em to hum, I 'd give 'em linkum vity, I 'd play the rogue's march on their hides an' other music follerin'---- But I must close my letter here, for one on 'em 's ahollerin', These Anglosaxon ossifers, --wal, taint no use ajawin', I 'm safe enlisted fer the war, Yourn, BIRDOFREDOM SAWIN. 

[Those have not been wanting (as, indeed, when hath Satan been to seekfor attorneys?) who have maintained that our late inroad upon Mexico wasundertaken, not so much for the avenging of any national quarrel, as forthe spreading of free institutions and of Protestantism. _Capita vixduabus Anticyris medenda!_ Verily I admire that no pious sergeant amongthese new Crusaders beheld Martin Luther riding at the front of the hostupon a tamed pontifical bull, as, in that former invasion of Mexico, thezealous Diaz (spawn though he were of the Scarlet Woman) was favouredwith a vision of St. James of Compostella, skewering the infidels uponhis apostolical lance. We read, also, that Richard of the lion heart, having gone to Palestine on a similar errand of mercy, was divinelyencouraged to cut the throats of such Paynims as refused to swallow thebread of life (doubtless that they might be thereafter incapacitated forswallowing the filthy gobbets of Mahound) by angels of heaven, who criedto the king and his knights, --_Seigneurs, tuez! tuez!_ providentiallyusing the French tongue, as being the only one understood by theirauditors. This would argue for the pantoglottism of these celestialintelligences, while, on the other hand, the Devil, _teste_ CottonMather, is unversed in certain of the Indian dialects. Yet must he be asemeiologist the most expert, making himself intelligible to everypeople and kindred by signs; no other discourse, indeed, being needful, than such as the mackerel-fisher holds with his finned quarry, who, ifother bait be wanting, can by a bare bit of white rag at the end of astring captivate those foolish fishes. Such piscatorial oratory is Satancunning in. Before one he trails a hat and feather, or a bare featherwithout a hat; before another, a Presidential chair, or a tidewaiter'sstool, or a pulpit in the city, no matter what. To us, dangling thereover our heads, they seem junkets dropped out of the seventh heaven, sops dipped in nectar, but, once in our mouths, they are all one, bitsof fuzzy cotton. 

This, however, by the way. It is time now _revocare gradum_. While somany miracles of this sort, vouched by eye-witnesses, have encouragedthe arms of Papists, not to speak of those _Dioscuri_ (whom we mustconclude imps of the pit) who sundry times captained the pagan Romansoldiery, it is strange that our first American crusade was not in somesuch wise also signalized. Yet it is said that the Lord hath manifestlyprospered our armies. This opens the question, whether, when our handsare strengthened to make great slaughter of our enemies, it beabsolutely and demonstratively certain that this might is added to usfrom above, or whether some Potentate from an opposite quarter may nothave a finger in it, as there are few pies into which his meddlingdigits are not thrust. Would the Sanctifier and Setter-apart of theseventh day have assisted in a victory gained on the Sabbath, as was onein the late war? Or has that day become less an object of his especialcare since the year 1697, when so manifest a providence occurred to Mr. William Trowbridge, in answer to whose prayers, when he and all onshipboard with him were starving, a dolphin was sent daily, "which wasenough to serve 'em; only on _Saturdays_ they still catched a couple, and on the _Lord's Days_ they could catch none at all"? Haply they mighthave been permitted, by way of mortification, to take some few sculpins(those banes of the salt-water angler), which unseemly fish would, moreover, have conveyed to them a symbolical reproof for their breach ofthe day, being known in the rude dialect of our mariners as _Cape CodClergymen_. 

It has been a refreshment to many nice consciences to know that ourChief Magistrate would not regard with eyes of approval the (by manyesteemed) sinful pastime of dancing, and I own myself to be so far ofthat mind, that I could not but set my face against this Mexican Polka, though danced to the Presidential piping with a Gubernatorial second. Ifever the country should be seized with another such mania _de propagandâfide_, I think it would be wise to fill our bombshells with alternatecopies of the Cambridge Platform and the Thirty-nine Articles, whichwould produce a mixture of the highest explosive power, and to wrapevery one of our cannon-balls in a leaf of the New Testament, thereading of which is denied to those who sit in the darkness of Popery. Those iron evangelists would thus be able to disseminate vital religionand Gospel truth in quarters inaccessible to the ordinary missionary. Ihave seen lads, unimpregnate with the more sublimated punctiliousness ofWalton, secure pickerel, taking their unwary _siesta_ beneath thelily-pads too nigh the surface, with a gun and small shot. Why not, then, since gunpowder was unknown to the apostles (not to enter hereupon the question whether it were discovered before that period by theChinese), suit our metaphor to the age in which we live, and say_shooters_ as well as _fishers_ of men?

I do much fear that we shall be seized now and then with a Protestantfervour, as long as we have neighbour Naboths whose wallowings inPapistical mire excite our horror in exact proportion to the size anddesirableness of their vineyards. Yet I rejoice that some earnestProtestants have been made by this war, --I mean those who protestedagainst it. Fewer they were than I could wish, for one might imagineAmerica to have been colonized by a tribe of those nondescript Africananimals the Aye-Ayes, so difficult a word is _No_ to us all. There issome malformation or defect of the vocal organs, which either preventsour uttering it at all, or gives it so thick a pronunciation as to beunintelligible. A mouth filled with the national pudding, or watering inexpectation thereof, is wholly incompetent to this refractorymonosyllable. An abject and herpetic Public Opinion is the Pope, theAnti-Christ, for us to protest against _e corde cordium_. And by whatCollege of Cardinals is this our God's-vicar, our binder and looser, elected? Very like, by the sacred conclave of Tag, Rag, and Bobtail, thegracious atmosphere of the grog-shop. Yet it is of this that we must allbe puppets. This thumps the pulpit-cushion, this guides the editor'spen, this wags the senator's tongue. This decides what Scriptures arecanonical, and shuffles Christ away into the Apocrypha. According tothat sentence fathered upon Solon, Οὕτω δημόσιον κακὸν ἔρχεται οἴκαδ'ἑκάστῳ. This unclean spirit is skilful to assume various shapes. Ihave known it to enter my own study and nudge my elbow of a Saturday, under the semblance of a wealthy member of my congregation. It were agreat blessing, if every particular of what in the sum we call popularsentiment could carry about the name of its manufacturer stamped legiblyupon it. I gave a stab under the fifth rib to that pestilentfallacy, --"Our country, right or wrong, "--by tracing its original to aspeech of Ensign Cilley at a dinner of the Bungtown Fencibles. --H. W. ]

FOOTNOTES:

[5] In relation to this expression, I cannot but think that Mr. Biglowhas been too hasty in attributing it to me. Though Time be acomparatively innocent personage to swear by, and though Longinus in hisdiscourse Περι Ὕψους has commended timely oaths as not only a usefulbut sublime figure of speech, yet I have always kept my lips free fromthat abomination. _Odi profanum vulgus_, I hate your swearing andhectoring fellows. --H. W. 

[6] i hait the Site of a feller with a muskit as I du pizn But their_is_ fun to a cornwallis I aint agoin' to deny it. --H. B. 

[7] he means Not quite so fur i guess. --H. B. 

[8] the ignerant creeter means Sekketary; but he ollers stuck to hisbooks like cobbler's wax to an ile-stone. --H. B. 

[9] it must be aloud that thare 's a streak o' nater in lovin' sho, butit sartinly is 1 of the curusest things in nater to see a rispecktabledri goods dealer (deekon off a chutch mayby) a riggin' himself out inthe Weigh they du and struttin' round in the Reign aspilin' his trowsisand makin' wet goods of himself. Ef any thin 's foolisher and moordicklus than militerry gloary it is milishy gloary. --H. B. 

[10] these fellers are verry proppilly called Rank Heroes, and the moretha kill the ranker and more Herowick tha bekum. --H. B. 

[11] it wuz "tumblebug" as he Writ it, but the parson put the Latteninstid. I sed tother maid better meeter, but he said tha was eddykatedpeepl to Boston and tha would n't stan' it no how. Idnow as tha _wood_and idnow _as_ tha wood. --H. B. 

[12] he means human beins, that 's wut he means. I spose he kinderthought tha wuz human beans ware the Xisle Poles comes from. --H. B. 

No. III. 

WHAT MR. ROBINSON THINKS. 

[A few remarks on the following verses will not be out of place. Thesatire in them was not meant to have any personal, but only a general, application. Of the gentleman upon whose letter they were intended as acommentary Mr. Biglow had never heard, till he saw the letter itself. The position of the satirist is oftentimes one which he would not havechosen had the election been left to himself. In attacking badprinciples, he is obliged to select some individual who has made himselftheir exponent, and in whom they are impersonate, to the end that whathe says may not, through ambiguity, be dissipated _tenues in auras_. Forwhat says Seneca? _Longum iter per præcepta, breve et efficace perexempla. _ A bad principle is comparatively harmless while it continuesto be an abstraction, nor can the general mind comprehend it fully tillit is printed in that large type which all men can read at sight, namely, the life and character, the sayings and doings, of particularpersons. It is one of the cunningest fetches of Satan, that he neverexposes himself directly to our arrows, but, still dodging behind thisneighbour or that acquaintance, compels us to wound him through them, ifat all. He holds our affections as hostages, the while he patches up atruce with our conscience. 

Meanwhile, let us not forget that the aim of the true satirist is not tobe severe upon persons, but only upon falsehood: and, as Truth andFalsehood start from the same point, and sometimes even go alongtogether for a little way, his business is to follow the path of thelatter after it diverges, and to show her floundering in the bog at theend of it. Truth is quite beyond the reach of satire. There is so bravea simplicity in her, that she can no more be made ridiculous than an oakor a pine. The danger of the satirist is, that continual use may deadenhis sensibility to the force of language. He becomes more and moreliable to strike harder than he knows or intends. He may be careful toput on his boxing-gloves, and yet forget, that, the older they grow, themore plainly may the knuckles inside be felt. Moreover, in the heat ofcontest, the eye is insensibly drawn to the crown of victory, whosetawdry tinsel glitters through that dust of the ring which obscuresTruth's wreath of simple leaves. I have sometimes thought that my youngfriend, Mr. Biglow, needed a monitory hand laid on his arm, --_aliquidsufflaminandus erat_. I have never thought it good husbandry to waterthe tender plants of reform with _aqua fortis_, yet, where so much is todo in the beds, he were a sorry gardener who should wage a whole day'swar with an iron scuffle on those ill weeds that make the garden-walksof life unsightly, when a sprinkle of Attic salt will wither them up. _Est ars etiam maledicendi_, says Scaliger, and truly it is a hard thingto say where the graceful gentleness of the lamb merges in downrightsheepishness. We may conclude with worthy and wise Dr. Fuller, that "onemay be a lamb in private wrongs, but in hearing general affronts togoodness they are asses which are not lions. "--H. W. ]

 Guvener B. Is a sensible man; He stays to his home an' looks arter his folks; He draws his furrer ez straight ez he can, An' into nobody's tater-patch pokes;-- But John P. Robinson he Sez he wunt vote fer Guvener B. 

 My! aint it terrible? Wut shall we du? We can't never choose him, o' course, --thet 's flat; Guess we shall hev to come round, (don't you?) An' go in fer thunder an' guns, an' all that; Fer John P. Robinson he Sez he wunt vote fer Guvener B. 

 Gineral C. Is a dreffle smart man: He 's ben on all sides thet give places or pelf; But consistency still wuz a part of his plan, -- He 's ben true to _one_ party, --an' thet is himself;-- So John P. Robinson he Sez he shall vote fer Gineral C. 

 Gineral C. He goes in fer the war; He don't vally principle more 'n an old cud; Wut did God make us raytional creeturs fer, But glory an' gunpowder, plunder an' blood? So John P. Robinson he Sez he shall vote fer Gineral C. 

 We were gittin' on nicely up here to our village, With good old idees o' wut 's right an' wut aint, We kind o' thought Christ went agin war an' pillage, An' thet eppyletts worn't the best mark of a saint; But John P. Robinson he Sez this kind o' thing 's an exploded idee. 

 The side of our country must ollers be took, An' Presidunt Polk, you know, _he_ is our country; An' the angel thet writes all our sins in a book Puts the _debit_ to him, an' to us the _per contry_; An' John P. Robinson he Sez this is his view o' the thing to a T. 

 Parson Wilbur he calls all these argimunts lies; Sez they 're nothin' on airth but jest _fee, faw, fum_; An' thet all this big talk of our destinies Is half on it ignorance, an' t'other half rum; But John P. Robinson he Sez it aint no sech thing; an', of course, so must we. 

 Parson Wilbur sez _he_ never heerd in his life Thet th' Apostles rigged out in their swaller-tail coats An' marched round in front of a drum an' a fife, To git some on 'em office, an' some on 'em votes; But John P. Robinson he Sez they did n't know everythin' down in Judee. 

 Wal, it 's a marcy we 've gut folks to tell us The rights an' the wrongs o' these matters, I vow, -- God sends country lawyers, an' other wise fellers, To drive the world's team wen it gits in a slough; Fer John P. Robinson he Sez the world 'll go right, ef he hollers out Gee!

[The attentive reader will doubtless have perceived in the foregoingpoem an allusion to that pernicious sentiment, --"Our country, right orwrong. " It is an abuse of language to call a certain portion of landmuch more certain personages elevated for the time being to highstation, our country. I would not sever nor loosen a single one of thoseties by which we are united to the spot of our birth, nor minish by atittle the respect due to the Magistrate. I love our own Bay State toowell to do the one, and as for the other, I have myself for nigh fortyyears exercised, however unworthily, the function of Justice of thePeace, having been called thereto by the unsolicited kindness of thatmost excellent man and upright patriot, Caleb Strong. _Patriæ fumus ignealieno luculentior_ is best qualified with this, --_Ubi libertas, ibipatria_. We are inhabitants of two worlds, and owe a double, but not adivided, allegiance. In virtue of our clay, this little ball of earthexacts a certain loyalty of us; while, in our capacity as spirits, weare admitted citizens of an invisible and holier fatherland. There is apatriotism of the soul whose claim absolves us from our other andterrene fealty. Our true country is that ideal realm which we representto ourselves under the names of religion, duty, and the like. Ourterrestrial organizations are but far-off approaches to so fair a model, and all they are verily traitors who resist not any attempt to divertthem from this their original intendment. When, therefore, one wouldhave us to fling up our caps and shout with the multitude, --"_Ourcountry, however bounded!_" he demands of us that we sacrifice thelarger to the less, the higher to the lower, and that we yield to theimaginary claims of a few acres of soil our duty and privilege asliegemen of Truth. Our true country is bounded on the north and thesouth, on the east and the west, by Justice, and when she oversteps thatinvisible boundary-line by so much as a hair's-breadth, she ceases to beour mother, and chooses rather to be looked upon _quasi noverca_. Thatis a hard choice, when our earthly love of country calls upon us totread one path and our duty points us to another. We must make as nobleand becoming an election as did Penelope between Icarius and Ulysses. Veiling our faces, we must take silently the hand of Duty to follow her. 

Shortly after the publication of the foregoing poem, there appeared somecomments upon it in one of the public prints which seemed to call forsome animadversion. I accordingly addressed to Mr. Buckingham, of the_Boston Courier_, the following letter. 

 "JAALAM, November 4, 1847. 

"_To the Editor of the Courier:_

"RESPECTED SIR, --Calling at the post-office this morning, our worthy andefficient postmaster offered for my perusal a paragraph in the BostonMorning Post of the 3d instant, wherein certain effusions of thepastoral muse are attributed to the pen of Mr. James Russell Lowell. Forought I know or can affirm to the contrary, this Mr. Lowell may be avery deserving person and a youth of parts (though I have seen verses ofhis which I could never rightly understand); and if he be such, he, I amcertain, as well as I, would be free from any proclivity to appropriateto himself whatever of credit (or discredit) may honestly belong toanother. I am confident, that, in penning these few lines, I am onlyforestalling a disclaimer from that young gentleman, whose silencehitherto, when rumour pointed to himward, has excited in my bosommingled emotions of sorrow and surprise. Well may my young parishioner, Mr. Biglow, exclaim with the poet, "'Sic vos non vobis' &c. ;

though, in saying this, I would not convey the impression that he is aproficient in the Latin tongue, --the tongue, I might add, of a Horaceand a Tully. 

"Mr. B. Does not employ his pen, I can safely say, for any lucre ofworldly gain, or to be exalted by the carnal plaudits of men, _digitomonstrari_, &c. He does not wait upon Providence for mercies, and in hisheart mean _merces_. But I should esteem myself as verily deficient inmy duty (who am his friend and in some unworthy sort his spiritual_fidus Achates_, &c. ), if I did not step forward to claim for himwhatever measure of applause might be assigned to him by the judicious. 

"If this were a fitting occasion, I might venture here a briefdissertation touching the manner and kind of my young friend's poetry. But I dubitate whether this abstruser sort of speculation (thoughenlivened by some apposite instances from Aristophanes) wouldsufficiently interest your oppidan readers. As regards their satiricaltone, and their plainness of speech, I will only say, that, in mypastoral experience, I have found that the Arch-Enemy loves nothingbetter than to be treated as a religious, moral, and intellectual being, and that there is no _apage Sathanas_! so potent as ridicule. But it isa kind of weapon that must have a button of good-nature on the point ofit. 

"The productions of Mr. B. Have been stigmatized in some quarters asunpatriotic; but I can vouch that he loves his native soil with thathearty, though discriminating, attachment which springs from an intimatesocial intercourse of many years' standing. In the ploughing season, noone has a deeper share in the well-being of the country than he. If DeanSwift were right in saying that he who makes two blades of grass growwhere one grew before confers a greater benefit on the state than he whotaketh a city, Mr. B. Might exhibit a fairer claim to the Presidencythan General Scott himself. I think that some of those disinterestedlovers of the hard-handed democracy, whose fingers have never touchedanything rougher than the dollars of our common country, would hesitateto compare palms with him. It would do your heart good, respected Sir, to see that young man now. He cuts a cleaner and wider swarth than anyin this town. 

"But it is time for me to be at my Post. It is very clear that my youngfriend's shot has struck the lintel, for the Post is shaken (Amos ix. 1). The editor of that paper is a strenuous advocate of the Mexican war, and a colonel, as I am given to understand. I presume, that, beingnecessarily absent in Mexico, he has left his journal in some lessjudicious hands. At any rate, the Post has been too swift on thisoccasion. It could hardly have cited a more incontrovertible line fromany poem than that which it has selected for animadversion, namely, --

 "'We kind o' thought Christ went agin war an' pillage. '

"If the Post maintains the converse of this proposition, it can hardlybe considered as a safe guide-post for the moral and religious portionsof its party, however many other excellent qualities of a post it may beblessed with. There is a sign in London on which is painted, --'The GreenMan. ' It would do very well as a portrait of any individual who wouldsupport so unscriptural a thesis. As regards the language of the line inquestion, I am bold to say that He who readeth the hearts of men willnot account any dialect unseemly which conveys a sound and pioussentiment. I could wish that such sentiments were more common, howeveruncouthly expressed. Saint Ambrose affirms, that _veritas a quocunque_(why not, then _quomodocunque_?) _dicatur, a spiritu sancto est_. Digestalso this of Baxter:--'The plainest words are the most profitableoratory in weightiest matters. '

"When the paragraph in question was shown to Mr. Biglow, the only partof it which seemed to give him any dissatisfaction was that whichclassed him with the Whig party. He says, that, if resolutions are anourishing kind of diet, that party must be in a very hearty andflourishing condition; for that they have quietly eaten more good onesof their own baking than he could have conceived to be possible withoutrepletion. He has been for some years past (I regret to say) an ardentopponent of those sound doctrines of protective policy which form soprominent a portion of the creed of that party. I confess, that, in somediscussions which I have had with him on this point in my study, he hasdisplayed a vein of obstinacy which I had not hitherto detected in hiscomposition. He is also (_horresco referens_) infected in no smallmeasure with the peculiar notions of a print called the Liberator, whose heresies I take every proper opportunity of combating, and ofwhich, I thank God, I have never read a single line. 

"I did not see Mr. B. 's verses until they appeared in print, and there_is_ certainly one thing in them which I consider highly improper. Iallude to the personal references to myself by name. To confer notorietyon an humble individual who is labouring quietly in his vocation, andwho keeps his cloth as free as he can from the dust of the politicalarena (though _væ mihi si non evangelizavero_), is no doubt anindecorum. The sentiments which he attributes to me I will not deny tobe mine. They were embodied, though in a different form, in a discoursepreached upon the last day of public fasting, and were acceptable to myentire people (of whatever political views), except the postmaster, whodissented _ex officio_. I observe that you sometimes devote a portion ofyour paper to a religious summary. I should be well pleased to furnish acopy of my discourse for insertion in this department of yourinstructive journal. By omitting the advertisements, it might easily begot within the limits of a single number, and I venture to insure youthe sale of some scores of copies in this town. I will cheerfully rendermyself responsible for ten. It might possibly be advantageous to issueit as an _extra_. But perhaps you will not esteem it an object, and Iwill not press it. My offer does not spring from any weak desire ofseeing my name in print; for I can enjoy this satisfaction at any timeby turning to the Triennial Catalogue of the University, where it alsopossesses that added emphasis of Italics with which those of my callingare distinguished. 

"I would simply add, that I continue to fit ingenuous youth for college, and that I have two spacious and airy sleeping apartments at this momentunoccupied. _Ingenuas didicisse_, &c. Terms, which vary according to thecircumstances of the parents, may be known on application to me byletter, post paid. In all cases the lad will be expected to fetch hisown towels. This rule, Mrs. W. Desires me to add, has no exceptions. 

 "Respectfully, your obedient servant, "HOMER WILBUR, A. M. 

"P. S. Perhaps the last paragraph may look like an attempt to obtain theinsertion of my circular gratuitously. If it should appear to you inthat light, I desire that you would erase it, or charge for it at theusual rates, and deduct the amount from the proceeds in your hands fromthe sale of my discourse, when it shall be printed. My circular is muchlonger and more explicit, and will be forwarded without charge to anywho may desire it. It has been very neatly executed on a letter sheet, by a very deserving printer, who attends upon my ministry, and is acreditable specimen of the typographic art. I have one hung over mymantelpiece in a neat frame, where it makes a beautiful and appropriateornament, and balances the profile of Mrs. W. , cut with her toes by theyoung lady born without arms. H. W. "

I have in the foregoing letter mentioned General Scott in connexion withthe Presidency, because I have been given to understand that he hasblown to pieces and otherwise caused to be destroyed more Mexicans thanany other commander. His claim would therefore be deservedly consideredthe strongest. Until accurate returns of the Mexican killed, wounded, and maimed be obtained, it would be difficult to settle these nicepoints of precedence. Should it prove that any other officer has beenmore meritorious and destructive than General. S. , and has therebyrendered himself more worthy of the confidence and support of theconservative portion of our community, I shall cheerfully insert hisname, instead of that of General S. , in a future edition. It may bethought, likewise, that General S. Has invalidated his claims by toomuch attention to the decencies of apparel, and the habits belonging toa gentleman. These abstruser points of statesmanship are beyond myscope. I wonder not that successful military achievement should attractthe admiration of the multitude. Rather do I rejoice with wonder tobehold how rapidly this sentiment is losing its hold upon the popularmind. It is related of Thomas Warton, the second of that honoured namewho held the office of Poetry Professor at Oxford, that, when one wishedto find him, being absconded, as was his wont, in some obscure alehouse, he was counselled to traverse the city with a drum and fife, the soundof which inspiring music would be sure to draw the Doctor from hisretirement into the street. We are all more or less bitten with thismartial insanity. _Nescio quâ dulcedine . .. Cunctos ducit. _ I confess tosome infection of that itch myself. When I see a Brigadier-Generalmaintaining his insecure elevation in the saddle under the severe fireof the training-field, and when I remember that some militaryenthusiasts, through haste, inexperience, or an over-desire to lendreality to those fictitious combats, will sometimes discharge theirramrods, I cannot but admire, while I deplore, the mistaken devotion ofthose heroic officers. _Semel insanivimus omnes. _ I was myself, duringthe late war with Great Britain, chaplain of a regiment, which wasfortunately never called to active military duty. I mention thiscircumstance with regret rather than pride. Had I been summoned toactual warfare, I trust that I might have been strengthened to bearmyself after the manner of that reverend father in our New EnglandIsrael, Dr. Benjamin Colman, who, as we are told in Turell's life ofhim, when the vessel in which he had taken passage for England wasattacked by a French privateer, "fought like a philosopher and aChristian, . .. And prayed all the while he charged and fired. " As thisnote is already long, I shall not here enter upon a discussion of thequestion, whether Christians may lawfully be soldiers. I think itsufficiently evident, that, during the first two centuries of theChristian era, at least, the two professions were esteemed incompatible. Consult Jortin on this head. --H. W. ]

No. IV. 

 REMARKS OF INCREASE D. O'PHACE, ESQUIRE, AT AN EX-TRUMPERY CAUCUS IN STATE STREET, REPORTED BY MR. H. BIGLOW. 

[The ingenious reader will at once understand that no such speech as thefollowing was ever _totidem verbis_ pronounced. But there are simplerand less guarded wits, for the satisfying of which such an explanationmay be needful. For there are certain invisible lines, which as Truthsuccessively overpasses, she becomes Untruth to one and another of us, as a large river, flowing from one kingdom into another, sometimes takesa new name, albeit the waters undergo no change, how small soever. Thereis, moreover, a truth of fiction more veracious than the truth of fact, as that of the Poet, which represents to us things and events as theyought to be, rather than servilely copies them as they are imperfectlyimaged in the crooked and smoky glass of our mundane affairs. It is thiswhich makes the speech of Antonius, though originally spoken in no widera forum than the brain of Shakspeare, more historically valuable thanthat other which Appian has reported, by as much as the understanding ofthe Englishman was more comprehensive than that of the Alexandrian. Mr. Biglow, in the present instance, has only made use of a licence assumedby all the historians of antiquity, who put into the mouths of variouscharacters such words as seem to them most fitting to the occasion andto the speaker. If it be objected that no such oration could ever havebeen delivered, I answer, that there are few assemblages forspeech-making which do not better deserve the title of _ParliamentumIndoctorum_ than did the sixth Parliament of Henry the Fourth, and thatmen still continue to have as much faith in the Oracle of Fools as everPantagruel had. Howell, in his letters, recounts a merry tale of acertain ambassador of Queen Elizabeth, who, having written two letters, one to her Majesty and the other to his wife, directed them atcross-purposes, so that the Queen was beducked and bedeared andrequested to send a change of hose, and the wife was beprincessed andotherwise unwontedly besuperlatived, till the one feared for the wits ofher ambassador, the other for those of her husband. In like manner itmay be presumed that our speaker has misdirected some of his thoughts, and given to the whole theatre what he would have wished to confide onlyto a select auditory at the back of the curtain. For it is seldom thatwe can get any frank utterance from men, who address, for the most part, a Buncombe either in this world or the next. As for their audiences, itmay be truly said of our people, that they enjoy one politicalinstitution in common with the ancient Athenians: I mean a certainprofitless kind of _ostracism_, wherewith, nevertheless, they seemhitherto well enough content. For in Presidential elections, and otheraffairs of the sort, whereas I observe that the _oysters_ fall to thelot of comparatively few, the _shells_ (such as the privileges of votingas they are told to do by the _ostrivori_ aforesaid, and of huzzaing atpublic meetings) are very liberally distributed among the people, asbeing their prescriptive and quite sufficient portion. 

The occasion of the speech is supposed to be Mr. Palfrey's refusal tovote for the Whig candidate for the Speakership. --H. W. ]

 No? Hez he? He haint, though? Wut? Voted agin him? Ef the bird of our country could ketch him, she 'd skin him; I seem 's though I see her, with wrath in each quill, Like a chancery lawyer, afilin' her bill, An' grindin' her talents ez sharp ez all nater, To pounce like a writ on the back o' the traiter. Forgive me, my friends, ef I seem to be het, But a crisis like this must with vigour be met; Wen an Arnold the star-spangled banner bestains, Holl Fourth o' Julys seem to bile in my veins. 

 Who ever 'd ha' thought sech a pisonous rig Would be run by a chap thet wuz chose fer a Wig? "We knowed wut his principles wuz 'fore we sent him"? What wuz ther in them from this vote to pervent him? A marciful Providunce fashioned us holler O' purpose thet we might our principles swaller; It can hold any quantity on 'em, the belly can, An' bring 'em up ready fer use like the pelican, Or more like the kangaroo, who (wich is stranger) Puts her family into her pouch wen there 's danger. Aint principle precious? then, who 's goin' to use it Wen there 's risk o' some chaps gittin' up to abuse it? I can't tell the wy on 't, but nothin' is _so_ sure Ez thet principle kind o' gits spiled by exposure;[13] A man thet lets all sorts o' folks git a sight on 't Ough' to hev it all took right away, every mite on 't; Ef he can't keep it all to himself when it 's wise to, He aint one it 's fit to trust nothin' so nice to. 

 Besides, ther 's a wonderful power in latitude To shift a man's morril relations an' attitude; Some flossifers think thet a fakkilty 's granted The minnit it 's proved to be thoroughly wanted, Thet a change o' demand makes a change o' condition An' thet everythin' 's nothin' except by position; Ez, fer instance, thet rubber-trees fust begun bearin' Wen p'litickle conshunces come into wearin', -- Thet the fears of a monkey, whose holt chanced to fail, Drawed the vertibry out to a prehensile tail; So, wen one 's chose to Congriss, ez soon ez he 's in it, A collar grows right round his neck in a minnit, An' sartin it is thet a man cannot be strict In bein' himself, when he gets to the Deestrict, Fer a coat thet sets wal here in ole Massachusetts, Wen it gits on to Washinton, somehow askew sets. 

 Resolves, do you say, o' the Springfield Convention? Thet 's percisely the pint I was goin' to mention; Resolves air a thing we most gen'ally keep ill, They 're a cheap kind o' dust fer the eyes o' the people; A parcel o' delligits jest git together An' chat fer a spell o' the crops an' the weather, Then, comin' to order, they squabble awile An' let off the speeches they 're ferful 'll spile; Then--Resolve, --Thet we wunt hev an inch o' slave territory; That President Polk's holl perceedins air very tory; Thet the war 's a damned war, an' them thet enlist in it Should hev a cravat with a dreffle tight twist in it; Thet the war is a war fer the spreadin' o' slavery; Thet our army desarves our best thanks fer their bravery; Thet we 're the original friends o' the nation, All the rest air a paltry an' base fabrication; Thet we highly respect Messrs. A, B, an' C, An' ez deeply despise Messrs. E, F, an' G. In this way they go to the eend o' the chapter, An' then they bust out in a kind of a raptur About their own vartoo, an' folks's stone-blindness To the men thet 'ould actilly do 'em a kindness, -- The American eagle, the Pilgrims thet landed, Till on ole Plymouth Rock they git finally stranded. Wal, the people they listen and say, "Thet 's the ticket! Ez for Mexico, t'aint no glory to lick it, But 't would be a darned shame to go pullin' o' triggers To extend the aree of abusin' the niggers. "

 So they march in percessions, an' git up hooraws, An' tramp thru the mud fer the good o' the cause, An' think they 're kind o' fulfillin' the prophecies, Wen they 're on'y jest changin' the holders of offices; Ware A sot afore, B is comf'tably seated, One humbug 's victor'ous, an' t'other defeated. Each honnable doughface gits jest wut he axes, An' the people--their annooal soft sodder an' taxes. 

 Now, to keep unimpaired all these glorious feeturs Thet characterize morril an' reasonin' creeturs, Thet give every paytriot all he can cram, Thet oust the untrustworthy Presidunt Flam, An' stick honest Presidunt Sham in his place, To the manifest gain o' the holl human race, An' to some indervidgewals on 't in partickler, Who love Public Opinion an' know how to tickle her, -- I say thet a party with great aims like these Must stick jest ez close ez a hive full o' bees. 

 I 'm willin' a man should go tollable strong Agin wrong in the abstract, fer that kind o' wrong Is ollers unpop'lar an' never gits pitied, Because it 's a crime no one never committed; But he mus' n't be hard on partickler sins, Coz then he 'll be kickin' the people's own shins; On'y look at the Demmercrats, see wut they 've done Jest simply by stickin' together like fun; They 've sucked us right into a mis'able war Thet no one on airth aint responsible for; They 've run us a hundred cool millions in debt, (An' fer Demmercrat Horners ther 's good plums left yet); They talk agin tayriffs, but act fer a high one, An' so coax all parties to build up their Zion; To the people they 're ollers ez slick ez molasses, An' butter their bread on both sides with The Masses, Half o' whom they 've persuaded, by way of a joke, Thet Washinton's mantelpiece fell upon Polk. 

 Now all o' these blessins the Wigs might enjoy, Ef they 'd gumption enough the right means to imploy;[14] Fer the silver spoon born in Dermocracy's mouth Is a kind of a scringe thet they hev to the South; Their masters can cuss 'em an' kick 'em an' wale 'em, An' they notice it less 'an the ass did to Balaam; In this way they screw into second-rate offices Wich the slaveholder thinks 'ould substract too much off his ease; The file-leaders, I mean, du, fer they, by their wiles, Unlike the old viper, grow fat on their files. Wal, the Wigs hev been tryin' to grab all this prey frum 'em An' to hook this nice spoon o' good fortin' away frum 'em, An' they might ha' succeeded, ez likely ez not, In lickin' the Demmercrats all round the lot, Ef it warn't thet, wile all faithful Wigs were their knees on, Some stuffy old codger would holler out, --"Treason! You must keep a sharp eye on a dog thet hez bit you once, An' _I_ aint agoin' to cheat my constitoounts, "-- Wen every fool knows thet a man represents Not the fellers thet sent him, but them on the fence, -- Impartially ready to jump either side An' make the fust use of a turn o' the tide, -- The waiters on Providunce here in the city, Who compose wut they call a State Centerl Committy. Constitoounts air hendy to help a man in, But arterwards don't weigh the heft of a pin. Wy, the people can't all live on Uncle Sam's pus, So they 've nothin' to du with 't fer better or wus; It 's the folks thet air kind o' brought up to depend on 't That hev any consarn in 't, an' thet is the end on 't. 

 Now here wuz New England ahevin' the honor Of a chance at the speakership showered upon her;-- Do you say, --"She don't want no more Speakers, but fewer; She 's hed plenty o' them, wut she wants is a _doer_"? Fer the matter o' thet, it 's notorous in town Thet her own representatives du her quite brown. But thet 's nothin' to du with it; wut right hed Palfrey To mix himself up with fanatical small fry? Warn't we gettin' on prime with our hot an' cold blowin', Acondemnin' the war wilst we kep' it agoin'? We 'd assumed with gret skill a commandin' position, On this side or thet, no one could n't tell wich one, So, wutever side wipped, we 'd a chance at the plunder An' could sue for infringin' our paytended thunder; We were ready to vote fer whoever wuz eligible, Ef on all pints at issoo he 'd stay unintelligible. Wal, sposin' we hed to gulp down our perfessions, We were ready to come out next mornin' with fresh ones; Besides, ef we did, 't was our business alone, Fer could n't we du wut we would with our own? An' ef a man can, wen pervisions hev riz so, Eat up his own words, it 's a marcy it is so. 

 Wy, these chaps from the North, with back-bones to 'em, darn 'em, 'Ould be wuth more 'an Gennle Tom Thumb is to Barnum; Ther 's enough thet to office on this very plan grow, By exhibitin' how very small a man can grow; But an M. C. Frum here ollers hastens to state he Belongs to the order called invertebraty, Wence some gret filologists judge primy fashy Thet M. C. Is M. T. By paronomashy; An' these few exceptions air _loosus naytury_ Folks 'ould put down their quarters to stare at, like fury. 

 It 's no use to open the door o' success, Ef a member can bolt so fer nothin' or less; Wy, all o' them grand constitootional pillers Our four fathers fetched with 'em over the billers, Them pillers the people so soundly hev slept on, Wile to slav'ry, invasion, an' debt they were swept on, Wile our Destiny higher an' higher kep' mountin' (Though I guess folks 'll stare wen she hends her account in), Ef members in this way go kickin' agin 'em, They wunt hev so much ez a feather left in 'em. 

 An', ez fer this Palfrey, [15] we thought wen we 'd gut him in, He 'd go kindly in wutever harness we put him in; Supposin' we _did_ know thet he wuz a peace man? Does he think he can be Uncle Samwell's policeman, An' wen Sam gits tipsy an' kicks up a riot, Lead him off to the lockup to snooze till he 's quiet? Wy, the war is a war thet true paytriots can bear, ef It leads to the fat promised land of a tayriff; _We_ don't go an' fight it, nor aint to be driv on, Nor Demmercrats nuther, thet hev wut to live on; Ef it aint jest the thing thet 's well pleasin' to God, It makes us thought highly on elsewhere abroad; The Rooshian black eagle looks blue in his eerie An' shakes both his heads wen he hears o' Monteery; Wile in the Tower Victory sets, all of a fluster, An' reads, with locked doors, how we won Cherry Buster; An' old Philip Lewis--thet come an' kep' school here Fer the mere sake o' scorin' his ryalist ruler On the tenderest part of our kings _in futuro_-- Hides his crown underneath an old shut in his bureau Breaks off in his brags to a suckle o' merry kings, How he often hed hided young native Amerrikins, An', turnin' quite faint in the midst of his fooleries, Sneaks down stairs to bolt the front door o' the Tooleries. [16]

 You say, --"We 'd ha' scared 'em by growin' in peace, A plaguy sight more then by bobberies like these"? Who is it dares say thet "our naytional eagle Wun't much longer be classed with the birds thet air regal, Coz theirn be hooked beaks, an' she, arter this slaughter, 'll bring back a bill ten times longer 'n she ough' to"? Wut 's your name? Come, I see ye, you up-country feller, You 've put me out severil times with your beller; Out with it! Wut? Biglow? I say nothin' furder, Thet feller would like nothin' better 'n a murder; He 's a traiter, blasphemer, an' wut ruther worse is, He put all his ath'ism in dreffle bad verses; Socity aint safe till sech monsters air out on it, Refer to the Post, ef you hev the least doubt on it; Wy, he goes agin war, agin indirect taxes, Agin sellin' wild lands 'cept to settlers with axes, Agin holdin' o' slaves, though he knows it 's the corner Our libbaty rests on, the mis'able scorner! In short, he would wholly upset with his ravages All thet keeps us above the brute critters an' savages, An' pitch into all kinds o' briles an' confusions The holl of our civilized, free institutions; He writes fer thet rather unsafe print, the Courier, An' likely ez not hez a squintin' to Foorier; I 'll be ----, thet is, I mean I 'll be blest, Ef I hark to a word frum so noted a pest; I shan't talk with _him_, my religion 's too fervent. -- Good mornin', my friends, I 'm your most humble servant. 

[Into the question, whether the ability to express ourselves inarticulate language has been productive of more good or evil, I shallnot here enter at large. The two faculties of speech and ofspeech-making are wholly diverse in their natures. By the first we makeourselves intelligible, by the last unintelligible, to our fellows. Ithas not seldom occurred to me (noting how in our national legislatureeverything runs to talk, as lettuces, if the season or the soil beunpropitious, shoot up lankly to seed, instead of forming handsomeheads) that Babel was the first Congress, the earliest mill erected forthe manufacture of gabble. In these days, what with Town Meetings, School Committees, Boards (lumber) of one kind and another, Congresses, Parliaments, Diets, Indian Councils, Palavers, and the like, there isscarce a village which has not its factories of this description drivenby (milk-and-) water power. I cannot conceive the confusion of tonguesto have been the curse of Babel, since I esteem my ignorance of otherlanguages as a kind of Martello-tower, in which I am safe from thefurious bombardments of foreign garrulity. For this reason I have everpreferred the study of the dead languages, those primitive formationsbeing Ararats upon whose silent peaks I sit secure and watch this newdeluge without fear, though it rain figures (_simulacra_, semblances) ofspeech forty days and nights together, as it not uncommonly happens. Thus is my coat, as it were, without buttons by which any but avernacular wild bore can seize me. Is it not possible that the Shakersmay intend to convey a quiet reproof and hint, in fastening their outergarments with hooks and eyes?

This reflection concerning Babel, which I find in no Commentary, wasfirst thrown upon my mind when an excellent deacon of my congregation(being infected with the Second Advent delusion) assured me that he hadreceived a first instalment of the gift of tongues as a small earnest oflarger possessions in the like kind to follow. For, of a truth, I couldnot reconcile it with my ideas of the Divine justice and mercy that thesingle wall which protected people of other languages from theincursions of this otherwise well-meaning propagandist should be brokendown. 

In reading Congressional debates, I have fancied, that, after thesubsidence of those painful buzzings in the brain which result from suchexercises, I detected a slender residuum of valuable information. I madethe discovery that _nothing_ takes longer in the saying than anythingelse, for, as _ex nihilo nihil fit_, so from one polypus _nothing_ anynumber of similar ones may be produced. I would recommend to theattention of _vivâ voce_ debaters and controversialists the admirableexample of the monk Copres, who, in the fourth century, stood for halfan hour in the midst of a great fire, and thereby silenced a Manichæanantagonist who had less of the salamander in him. As for those whoquarrel in print, I have no concern with them here, since the eyelidsare a Divinely-granted shield against all such. Moreover, I haveobserved in many modern books that the printed portion is becominggradually smaller, and the number of blank or fly-leaves (as they arecalled) greater. Should this fortunate tendency of literature continue, books will grow more valuable from year to year, and the whole Serbonianbog yield to the advances of firm arable land. 

I have wondered, in the Representatives' Chamber of our ownCommonwealth, to mark how little impression seemed to be produced bythat emblematic fish suspended over the heads of the members. Our wiserancestors, no doubt, hung it there as being the animal which thePythagoreans reverenced for its silence, and which certainly in thatparticular does not so well merit the epithet _cold-blooded_, by whichnaturalists distinguish it, as certain bipeds, afflicted withditch-water on the brain, who take occasion to tap themselves in FanueilHalls, meeting-houses, and other places of public resort. --H. W. ]

FOOTNOTES:

[13] The speaker is of a different mind from Tully, who, in his recentlydiscovered tractate _De Republicâ_, tells us, --_Nec vero habere virtutemsatis est, quasi artem aliquam, nisi utare_, and from our Milton, whosays, --"I cannot praise a fugitive and cloistered virtue, unexercisedand unbreathed, that never sallies out and sees her adversary, butslinks out of the race where that immortal garland is to be run for, _not without dust and heat_. "--_Areop. _ He had taken the words out ofthe Roman's mouth, without knowing it, and might well exclaim withAustin (if saint's name may stand sponsor for a curse). _Pereant quiante nos nostra dixerint!_--H. W. 

[14] That was a pithy saying of Persius, and fits our politicianswithout a wrinkle, --_Magister artis, ingeniique largitor venter. _--H. W. 

[15] There is truth yet in this of Juvenal, --

 "Dat veniam corvis, vexat censura columbas. "

[16] Jortin is willing to allow of other miracles besides those recordedin Holy Writ, and why not of other prophecies? It is granting too muchto Satan to suppose him, as divers of the learned have done, theinspirer of the ancient oracles. Wiser, I esteem it, to give chance thecredit of the successful ones. What is said here of Louis Philippe wasverified in some of its minute particulars within a few months' time. Enough to have made the fortune of Delphi or Ammon, and no thanks toBeelzebub neither! That of Seneca in Medea will suit here:--

 "Rapida fortuna ac levis, Præcepsque regno eripuit, exsilio dedit. "

Let us allow, even to richly deserved misfortune, our commiseration, andbe not overhasty meanwhile in our censure of the French people, left forthe first time to govern themselves, remembering that wise sentence ofÆschylus, --

 Ἅπας δὲ τραχὺς ὅστις ἂν νέον κρατῇ. H. W. 

No. V. 

THE DEBATE IN THE SENNIT

 SOT TO A NUSRY RHYME. 

[The incident which gave rise to the debate satirized in the followingverses was the unsuccessful attempt of Drayton and Sayres to givefreedom to seventy men and women, fellow-beings and fellow-Christians. Had Tripoli, instead of Washington, been the scene of this undertaking, the unhappy leaders in it would have been as secure of the theoretic asthey now are of the practical part of martyrdom. I question whether theDey of Tripoli is blessed with a District Attorney so benighted as oursat the seat of government. Very fitly is he named Key, who would allowhimself to be made the instrument of locking the door of hope againstsufferers in such a cause. Not all the waters of the ocean can cleansethe vile smutch of the jailer's fingers from off that little Key. _Ahenea clavis_, a brazen Key indeed!

Mr. Calhoun, who is made the chief speaker in this burlesque, seems tothink that the light of the nineteenth century is to be put out as soonas he tinkles his little cow-bell curfew. Whenever slavery is touched, he sets up his scarecrow of dissolving the Union. This may do for theNorth, but I should conjecture that something more than apumpkin-lantern is required to scare manifest and irretrievable Destinyout of her path. Mr. Calhoun cannot let go the apron-string of the Past. The Past is a good nurse, but we must be weaned from her sooner orlater, even though, like Plotinus, we should run home from school to askthe breast, after we are tolerably well-grown youths. It will not do forus to hide our faces in her lap, whenever the strange Future holds outher arms and asks us to come to her. 

But we are all alike. We have all heard it said, often enough, thatlittle boys must not play with fire; and yet, if the matches be takenaway from us and put out of reach upon the shelf, we must needs get intoour little corner, and scowl and stamp and threaten the dire revenge ofgoing to bed without our supper. The world shall stop till we get ourdangerous plaything again. Dame Earth, meanwhile, who has more thanenough household matters to mind, goes bustling hither and thither as ahiss or a sputter tells her that this or that kettle of hers is boilingover, and before bedtime we are glad to eat our porridge cold, and gulpdown our dignity along with it. 

Mr. Calhoun has somehow acquired the name of a great statesman, and, ifit be great statesmanship to put lance in rest and run a tilt at theSpirit of the Age with the certainty of being next moment hurled neckand heels into the dust amid universal laughter, he deserves the title. He is the Sir Kay of our modern chivalry. He should remember the oldScandinavian mythus. Thor was the strongest of gods, but he could notwrestle with Time, nor so much as lift up a fold of the great snakewhich knit the universe together; and when he smote the Earth, thoughwith his terrible mallet, it was but as if a leaf had fallen. Yet allthe while it seemed to Thor that he had only been wrestling with an oldwoman, striving to lift a cat, and striking a stupid giant on the head. 

And in old times, doubtless, the giants _were_ stupid, and there was nobetter sport for the Sir Launcelots and Sir Gawains than to go aboutcutting off their great blundering heads with enchanted swords. Butthings have wonderfully changed. It is the giants, now-a-days, that havethe science and the intelligence, while the chivalrous Don Quixotes ofConservatism still cumber themselves with the clumsy armour of a by-goneage. On whirls the restless globe through unsounded time, with itscities and its silences, its births and funerals, half light, halfshade, but never wholly dark, and sure to swing round into the happymorning at last. With an involuntary smile, one sees Mr. Calhoun lettingslip his pack-thread cable with a crooked pin at the end of it to anchorSouth Carolina upon the bank and shoal of the Past. --H. W. ]

TO MR. BUCKENAM. 

MR. EDITER, As i wuz kinder prunin round, in a little nussry sot out ayear or 2 a go, the Dbait in the sennit cum inter my mine An so i took &Sot it to wut I call a nussry rime. I hev made sum onnable Gentlemunspeak that dident speak in a Kind uv Poetikul lie sense the seeson isdreffle backerd up This way

 ewers as ushul

 HOSEA BIGLOW. 

 * * * * *

 "Here we stan' on the Constitution, by thunder! It 's a fact o' wich ther 's bushils o' proofs; Fer how could we trample on 't so, I wonder, Ef't worn't thet it 's oilers under our hoofs?" Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he; "Human rights haint no more Right to come on this floor, No more 'n the man in the moon, " sez he. 

 "The North haint no kind o' bisness with nothin', An' you 've no idee how much bother it saves; We aint none riled by their frettin' an' frothin', We 're _used_ to layin' the string on our slaves, " Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he;-- Sez Mister Foote, "I should like to shoot The holl gang, by the gret horn spoon!" sez he. 

 "Freedom's Keystone is Slavery, thet ther 's no doubt on, It 's sutthin' thet 's--wha' d' ye call it?--divine, -- An' the slaves thet we ollers _make_ the most out on Air them north o' Mason an' Dixon's line, " Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he;-- "Fer all thet, " sez Mangum, "'T would be better to hang 'em, An' so git red on 'em soon, " sez he. 

 "The mass ough' to labour an' we lay on soffies, Thet 's the reason I want to spread Freedom's aree; It puts all the cunninest on us in office, An' reelises our Maker's orig'nal idee, " Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he;-- "Thet 's ez plain, " sez Cass, "Ez thet some one 's an ass, It 's ez clear ez the sun is at noon, " sez he. 

 "Now don't go to say I 'm the friend of oppression, But keep all your spare breath fer coolin' your broth, Fer I ollers hev strove (at least thet 's my impression) To make cussed free with the rights o' the North, " Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he;-- "Yes, " sez Davis o' Miss. , "The perfection o' bliss Is in skinnin' thet same old coon, " sez he. 

 "Slavery 's a thing thet depends on complexion, It 's God's law thet fetters on black skins don't chafe; Ef brains wuz to settle it (horrid reflection!) Wich of our onnable body 'd be safe?" Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he;-- Sez Mister Hannegan, Afore he began agin, "Thet exception is quite oppertoon, " sez he. 

 "Gen'nle Cass, Sir, you need n't be twitchin' your collar, _Your_ merit 's quite clear by the dut on your knees, At the North we don't make no distinctions o' colour; You can all take a lick at our shoes wen you please, " Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he;-- Sez Mister Jarnagin, "They wunt hev to larn agin, They all on 'em know the old toon, " sez he. 

 "The slavery question aint no ways bewilderin'. North an' South hev one int'rest, it 's plain to a glance; No'thern men, like us patriarchs, don't sell their childrin, But they _du_ sell themselves, ef they git a good chance, " Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he;-- Sez Atherton here, "This is gittin' severe, I wish I could dive like a loon, " sez he. 

 "It 'll break up the Union, this talk about freedom, An' your fact'ry gals (soon ez we split) 'll make head, An' gittin' some Miss chief or other to lead 'em, 'll go to work raisin' promiscoous Ned, " Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he;-- "Yes, the North, " sez Colquitt, "Ef we Southerners all quit, Would go down like a busted balloon, " sez he. 

 "Jest look wut is doin', wut annyky 's brewin' In the beautiful clime o' the olive an' vine, All the wise aristoxy is tumblin' to ruin, An' the sankylots drorin' an' drinkin' their wine, " Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he;-- "Yes, " sez Johnson, "in France They 're beginnin' to dance Beelzebub's own rigadoon, " sez he. 

 "The South 's safe enough, it don't feel a mite skeery, Our slaves in their darkness an' dut air tu blest Not to welcome with proud hallylugers the ery Wen our eagle kicks yourn from the naytional nest, " Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he;-- "O, " sez Westcott o' Florida, "Wut treason is horrider Then our priv'leges tryin' to proon?" sez he. 

 "It 's 'coz they 're so happy, thet, wen crazy sarpints Stick their nose in our bizness, we git so darned riled; We think it 's our dooty to give pooty sharp hints, Thet the last crumb of Edin on airth shan't be spiled, " Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he;-- "Ah, " sez Dixon H. Lewis, "It perfectly true is Thet slavery 's airth's grettest boon, " sez he. 

[It was said of old time, that riches have wings; and, though this benot applicable in a literal strictness to the wealth of our patriarchalbrethren of the South, yet it is clear that their possessions have legs, and an unaccountable propensity for using them in a northerly direction. I marvel that the grand jury of Washington did not find a true billagainst the North Star for aiding and abetting Drayton and Sayres. Itwould have been quite of a piece with the intelligence displayed by theSouth on other questions connected with slavery. I think that no ship ofstate was ever freighted with a more veritable Jonah than this samedomestic institution of ours. Mephistopheles himself could not feign sobitterly, so satirically sad a sight as this of three millions of humanbeings crushed beyond help or hope by this one mighty argument, --_Ourfathers knew no better!_ Nevertheless, it is the unavoidable destiny ofJonahs to be cast overboard sooner or later. Or shall we try theexperiment of hiding our Jonah in a safe place, that none may lay handson him to make jetsam of him? Let us, then, with equal forethought andwisdom, lash ourselves to the anchor, and await, in pious confidence, the certain result. Perhaps our suspicious passenger is no Jonah afterall, being black. For it is well known that a superintending Providencemade a kind of sandwich of Ham and his descendants, to be devoured bythe Caucasian race. 

In God's name, let all, who hear nearer and nearer the hungry moan ofthe storm and the growl of the breakers, speak out! But, alas! we haveno right to interfere. If a man pluck an apple of mine, he shall be indanger of the justice; but if he steal my brother, I must be silent. Whosays this? Our Constitution, consecrated by the callous suetude of sixtyyears, and grasped in triumphant argument in the left hand of him whoseright hand clutches the clotted slave-whip. Justice, venerable with theundethronable majesty of countless æons, says, --SPEAK! The Past, wisewith the sorrows and desolations of ages, from amid her shattered fanesand wolf-housing palaces, echoes, --SPEAK! Nature, through her thousandtrumpets of freedom, her stars, her sunrises, her seas, her winds, hercataracts, her mountains blue with cloudy pines, blows jubilantencouragement, and cries, --SPEAK! From the soul's trembling abysses thestill, small voice not vaguely murmurs, --SPEAK! But, alas! theConstitution and the Honourable Mr. Bagowind, M. C. , say, --BE DUMB!

It occurs to me to suggest, as a topic of inquiry in this connexion, whether, on that momentous occasion when the goats and the sheep shallbe parted, the Constitution and the Honourable Mr. Bagowind, M. C. , willbe expected to take their places on the left as our hircine vicars. 

 _Quia sum miser tunc dicturus? Quem patronum rogaturus?_

There is a point where toleration sinks into sheer baseness andpoltroonery. The toleration of the worst leads us to look on what isbarely better as good enough, and to worship what is only moderatelygood. Woe to that man, or that nation, to whom mediocrity has become anideal!

Has our experiment of self-government succeeded, if it barely manage to_rub and go_? Here, now, is a piece of barbarism which Christ and thenineteenth century say shall cease, and which Messrs. Smith, Brown, andothers say shall _not_ cease. I would by no means deny the eminentrespectability of these gentlemen, but I confess, that, in such awrestling-match, I cannot help having my fears for them. 

 _Discite justitiam, moniti, et non temnere divos. _

 H. W. ]

No. VI. 

THE PIOUS EDITOR'S CREED. 

[At the special instance of Mr. Biglow, I preface the following satirewith an extract from a sermon preached during the past summer, fromEzekiel xxxiv. 2:--"Son of man, prophesy against the shepherds ofIsrael. " Since the Sabbath on which this discourse was delivered, theeditor of the "Jaalam Independent Blunderbuss" has unaccountablyabsented himself from our house of worship. 

"I know of no so responsible position as that of the public journalist. The editor of our day bears the same relation to his time that the clerkbore to the age before the invention of printing. Indeed, the positionwhich he holds is that which the clergyman should hold even now. But theclergyman chooses to walk off to the extreme edge of the world, and tothrow such seed as he has clear over into that darkness which he callsthe Next Life. As if _next_ did not mean _nearest_, and as if any lifewere nearer than that immediately present one which boils and eddies allaround him at the caucus, the ratification meeting, and the polls! Whotaught him to exhort men to prepare for eternity, as for some future eraof which the present forms no integral part? The furrow which Time iseven now turning runs through the Everlasting, and in that must he plantor nowhere. Yet he would fain believe and teach that we are _going_ tohave more of eternity than we have now. This _going_ of his is like thatof the auctioneer, on which _gone_ follows before we have made up ourminds to bid, --in which manner, not three months back, I lost anexcellent copy of Chappelow on Job. So it has come to pass that thepreacher, instead of being a living force, has faded into an emblematicfigure at christenings, weddings, and funerals. Or, if he exercise anyother function, it is as keeper and feeder of certain theologic dogmas, which, when occasion offers, he unkennels with a _staboy!_ 'to bark andbite as 'tis their nature to, ' whence that reproach of _odiumtheologicum_ has arisen. 

"Meanwhile, see what a pulpit the editor mounts daily, sometimes with acongregation of fifty thousand within reach of his voice, and never somuch as a nodder, even, among them! And from what a Bible can he choosehis text, --a Bible which needs no translation, and which no priestcraftcan shut and clasp from the laity, --the open volume of the world, uponwhich, with a pen of sunshine or destroying fire, the inspired Presentis even now writing the annals of God! Methinks the editor who shouldunderstand his calling, and be equal thereto, would truly deserve thattitle of ποιμην λαῶν, which Homer bestows upon princes. He would bethe Moses of our nineteenth century; and whereas the old Sinai, silentnow, is but a common mountain, stared at by the elegant tourist andcrawled over by the hammering geologist, he must find his tables of thenew law here among factories and cities in this Wilderness of Sin(Numbers xxxiii. 12) called Progress of Civilization, and be the captainof our Exodus into the Canaan of a truer social order. 

"Nevertheless, our editor will not come so far within even the shadow ofSinai as Mahomet did, but chooses rather to construe Moses by Joe Smith. He takes up the crook, not that the sheep may be fed, but that he maynever want a warm woollen suit and a joint of mutton. 

 _Immemor, O, fidei, pecorumque oblite tuorum!_

For which reason I would derive the name _editor_ not so much from_edo_, to publish, as from _edo_, to eat, that being the peculiarprofession to which he esteems himself called. He blows up the flames ofpolitical discord for no other occasion than that he may thereby handilyboil his own pot. I believe there are two thousand of thesemutton-loving shepherds in the United States; and of these, how manyhave even the dimmest perception of their immense power, and the dutiesconsequent thereon? Here and there, haply, one. Nine hundred andninety-nine labour to impress upon the people the great principles of_Tweedledum_, and other nine hundred and ninety-nine preach with equalearnestness the gospel according to _Tweedledee_. "--H. W. ]

 I du believe in Freedom's cause, Ez fur away ez Paris is; I love to see her stick her claws In them infarnal Pharisees; It 's wal enough agin a king To dror resolves an' triggers, -- But libbaty 's a kind o' thing Thet don't agree with niggers. 

 I du believe the people want A tax on teas an' coffees, Thet nothin' aint extravygunt, -- Purvidin' I 'm in office; Fer I hev loved my country sence My eye-teeth filled their sockets, An' Uncle Sam I reverence, Partic'larly his pockets. 

 I du believe in _any_ plan O' levyin' the taxes, Ez long ez, like a lumberman, I git jest wut I axes: I go free-trade thru thick an' thin, Because it kind o' rouses The folks to vote, --an' keeps us in Our quiet custom-houses. 

 I du believe it 's wise an' good To sen' out furrin missions, Thet is, on sartin understood An' orthydox conditions;-- I mean nine thousan' dolls. Per ann. , Nine thousan' more fer outfit, An' me to recommend a man The place 'ould jest about fit. 

 I du believe in special ways O' prayin' an' convartin'; The bread comes back in many days, An' buttered, tu, fer sartin;-- I mean in preyin' till one busts On wut the party chooses, An' in convartin' public trusts To very privit uses. 

 I du believe hard coin the stuff Fer 'lectioneers to spout on; The people 's ollers soft enough To make hard money out on; Dear Uncle Sam pervides fer his, An' gives a good-sized junk to all, -- I don't care _how_ hard money is, Ez long ez mine 's paid punctooal. 

 I du believe with all my soul In the gret Press's freedom, To pint the people to the goal An' in the traces lead 'em; Palsied the arm thet forges yokes At my fat contracts squintin', An' withered be the nose thet pokes Inter the gov'ment printin'!

 I du believe thet I should give Wut 's his'n unto Cæsar, Fer it 's by him I move an' live, From him my bread an' cheese air; I du believe thet all o' me Doth bear his souperscription, -- Will, conscience, honour, honesty, An' things o' thet description. 

 I du believe in prayer an' praise To him thet hez the grantin' O' jobs, --in every thin' thet pays, But most of all in CANTIN'; This doth my cup with marcies fill, This lays all thought o' sin to rest, -- I _don't_ believe in princerple, But, O, I _du_ in interest. 

 I du believe in bein' this Or thet, ez it may happen One way or t'other hendiest is To ketch the people nappin'; It aint by princerples nor men My preudunt course is steadied, -- I scent wich pays the best, an' then Go into it baldheaded. 

 I du believe thet holdin' slaves Comes nat'ral tu a Presidunt, Let 'lone the rowdedow it saves To hev a wal-broke precedunt; Fer any office, small or gret, I could n't ax with no face, Without I 'd ben, thru dry an' wet, Th' unrizzest kind o' doughface. 

 I du believe wutever trash 'll keep the people in blindness, -- Thet we the Mexicuns can thrash Right inter brotherly kindness, Thet bombshells, grape, an' powder 'n' ball Air good-will's strongest magnets, Thet peace, to make it stick at all, Must be druv in with bagnets. 

 In short, I firmly du believe In Humbug generally, Fer it 's a thing thet I perceive To hev a solid vally; This heth my faithful shepherd ben, In pasturs sweet heth led me, An' this 'll keep the people green To feed ez they hev fed me. 

[I subjoin here another passage from my before-mentioned discourse. 

"Wonderful, to him that has eyes to see it rightly, is the newspaper. Tome, for example, sitting on the critical front bench of the pit, in mystudy here in Jaalam, the advent of my weekly journal is as that of astrolling theatre, or rather of a puppet-show, on whose stage, narrow asit is, the tragedy, comedy, and farce of life are played in little. Behold the whole huge earth sent to me hebdomadally in a brown-paperwrapper!

"Hither, to my obscure corner, by wind or steam, on horse-back ordromedary-back, in the pouch of the Indian runner, or clicking over themagnetic wires, troop all the famous performers from the four quartersof the globe. Looked at from a point of criticism, tiny puppets theyseem all, as the editor sets up his booth upon my desk and officiates asshowman. Now I can truly see how little and transitory is life. Theearth appears almost as a drop of vinegar, on which the solar microscopeof the imagination must be brought to bear in order to make out anything distinctly. That animalcule there, in the pea-jacket, is LouisPhilippe, just landed on the coast of England. That other, in the greysurtout and cocked hat, is Napoleon Bonaparte Smith, assuring Francethat she need apprehend no interference from him in the present alarmingjuncture. At that spot, where you seem to see a speck of something inmotion, is an immense mass-meeting. Look sharper, and you will see amite brandishing his mandibles in an excited manner. That is the greatMr. Soandso, defining his position amid tumultuous and irrepressiblecheers. That infinitesimal creature, upon whom some score of others, asminute as he, are gazing in open-mouthed admiration, is a famousphilosopher, expounding to a select audience their capacity for theInfinite. That scarce discernible pufflet of smoke and dust is arevolution. That speck there is a reformer, just arranging the leverwith which he is to move the world. And lo, there creeps forward theshadow of a skeleton that blows one breath between its grinning teeth, and all our distinguished actors are whisked off the slippery stage intothe dark Beyond. 

"Yes, the little show-box has its solemner suggestions. Now and then wecatch a glimpse of a grim old man, who lays down a scythe andhour-glass in the corner while he shifts the scenes. There, too, in thedim background, a weird shape is ever delving. Sometimes he leans uponhis mattock, and gazes, as a coach whirls by, bearing the newly marriedon their wedding jaunt, or glances carelessly at a babe brought homefrom christening. Suddenly (for the scene grows larger and larger as welook) a bony hand snatches back a performer in the midst of his part, and him, whom yesterday two infinities (past and future) would notsuffice, a handful of dust is enough to cover and silence for ever. Nay, we see the same fleshless fingers opening to clutch the showman himself, and guess, not without a shudder, that they are lying in wait forspectator also. 

"Think of it: for three dollars a year I buy a season-ticket to thisgreat Globe Theatre, for which God would write the dramas (only that welike farces, spectacles, and the tragedies of Apollyon better), whosescene-shifter is Time, and whose curtain is rung down by Death. 

"Such thoughts will occur to me sometimes as I am tearing off thewrapper of my newspaper. Then suddenly that otherwise too often vacantsheet becomes invested for me with a strange kind of awe. Look! deathsand marriages, notices of inventions, discoveries, and books, lists ofpromotions, of killed, wounded, and missing, news of fires, accidents, of sudden wealth and as sudden poverty;--I hold in my hand the ends ofmyriad invisible electric conductors, along which tremble the joys, sorrows, wrongs, triumphs, hopes, and despairs of as many men and womeneverywhere. So that upon that mood of mind which seems to isolate mefrom mankind as a spectator of their puppet-pranks, another supervenes, in which I feel that I, too, unknown and unheard of, am yet of someimport to my fellows. For, through my newspaper here, do not familiestake pains to send me, an entire stranger, news of a death among them?Are not here two who would have me know of their marriage? And strangestof all, is not this singular person anxious to have me informed that hehas received a fresh supply of Dimitry Bruisgins? But to none of us doesthe Present (even if for a moment discerned as such) continuemiraculous. We glance carelessly at the sunrise, and get used to Orionand the Pleiades. The wonder wears off, and to-morrow this sheet, inwhich a vision was let down to me from Heaven, shall be the wrappage toa bar of soap or the platter for a beggar's broken victuals. "--H. W. ]

No. VII. 

A LETTER

 FROM A CANDIDATE FOR THE PRESIDENCY IN ANSWER TO SUTTIN QUESTIONS PROPOSED BY MR. HOSEA BIGLOW, INCLOSED IN A NOTE FROM MR. BIGLOW TO S. H. GAY, ESQ. , EDITOR OF THE NATIONAL ANTISLAVERY STANDARD. 

[Curiosity may be said to be the quality which pre-eminentlydistinguishes and segregates man from the lower animals. As we trace thescale of animated nature downward, we find this faculty of the mind (asit may truly be called) diminished in the savage, and quite extinct inthe brute. The first object which civilized man proposes to himself Itake to be the finding out whatsoever he can concerning his neighbours. _Nihil humanum a me alienum puto_; I am curious about even John Smith. The desire next in strength to this (an opposite pole, indeed, of thesame magnet) is that of communicating intelligence. 

Men in general may be divided into the inquisitive and thecommunicative. To the first class belong Peeping Toms, eaves-droppers, navel-contemplating Brahmins, metaphysicians, travellers, Empedocleses, spies, the various societies for promoting Rhinothism, Columbuses, Yankees, discoverers, and men of science, who present themselves to themind as so many marks of interrogation wandering up and down the world, or sitting in studies and laboratories. The second class I should againsubdivide into four. In the first subdivision I would rank those whohave an itch to tell us about themselves, --as keepers of diaries, insignificant persons generally, Montaignes, Horace Walpoles, autobiographers, poets. The second includes those who are anxious toimpart information concerning other people, --as historians, barbers, andsuch. To the third belong those who labour to give us intelligence aboutnothing at all, --as novelists, political orators, the large majority ofauthors, preachers, lecturers, and the like. In the fourth come thosewho are communicative from motives of public benevolence, --as finders ofmares'-nests and bringers of ill news. Each of us two-legged fowlswithout feathers embraces all these subdivisions in himself to a greateror less degree, for none of us so much as lays an egg, or incubates achalk one, but straightway the whole barn-yard shall know it by ourcackle or our cluck. _Omnibus hoc vitium est. _ There are differentgrades in all these classes. One will turn his telescope toward aback-yard, another toward Uranus; one will tell you that he dined withSmith, another that he supped with Plato. In one particular, all men maybe considered as belonging to the first grand division, inasmuch as theyall seem equally desirous of discovering the mote in their neighbour'seye. 

To one or another of these species every human being may safely bereferred. I think it beyond a peradventure that Jonah prosecuted someinquiries into the digestive apparatus of whales, and that Noah sealedup a letter in an empty bottle, that news in regard to him might not bewanting in case of the worst. They had else been super or subter human. I conceive, also, that, as there are certain persons who continuallypeep and pry at the key-hole of that mysterious door through which, sooner or later, we all make our exits, so there are doubtless ghostsfidgeting and fretting on the other side of it, because they have nomeans of conveying back to the world the scraps of news they have pickedup. For there is an answer ready somewhere to every question, the greatlaw of _give and take_ runs through all nature, and if we see a hook, wemay be sure that an eye is waiting for it. I read in every face I meet astanding advertisement of information wanted in regard to A. B. , or thatthe friends of C. D. Can hear of him by application to such a one. 

It was to gratify the two great passions of asking and answering, thatepistolary correspondence was first invented. Letters (for by thisusurped title epistles are now commonly known) are of several kinds. First, there are those which are not letters at all, --as letters patent, letters dimissory, letters inclosing bills, letters of administration, Pliny's letters, letters of diplomacy, of Cato, of Mentor, of LordsLyttelton, Chesterfield, and Orrery, of Jacob Behmen, Seneca (whom St. Jerome includes in his list of sacred writers), letters from abroad, from sons in college to their fathers, letters of marque, and lettersgenerally, which are in no wise letters of mark. Second, are realletters, such as those of Gray, Cowper, Walpole, Howel, Lamb, the firstletters from children (printed in staggering capitals), Letters from NewYork, letters of credit, and others, interesting for the sake of thewriter or the thing written. I have read also letters from Europe by agentleman named Pinto, containing some curious gossip, and which I hopeto see collected for the benefit of the curious. There are, besides, letters addressed to posterity, --as epitaphs, for example, written fortheir own monuments by monarchs, whereby we have lately become possessedof the names of several great conquerors and kings of kings, hithertounheard of and still unpronounceable, but valuable to the student of theentirely dark ages. The letter which St. Peter sent to King Pepin in theyear of grace 755 I would place in a class by itself, as also theletters of candidates, concerning which I shall dilate more fully in anote at the end of the following poem. At present, _sat pratabiberunt_. Only, concerning the shape of letters, they are all eithersquare or oblong, to which general figures circular letters andround-robins also conform themselves. --H. W. ]

DEER SIR its gut to be the fashun now to rite letters to the candid 8sand i wus chose at a publick Meetin in Jaalam to du wut wus nessary furthat town. I writ to 271 ginerals and gut ansers to 209. Tha air calledcandid 8s but I don't see nothin candid about em. This here 1 wich Isend wus thought satty's factory. I dunno as it's ushle to printPoscrips, but as all the ansers I got hed the saim, I sposed it wusbest. Times has gretly changed. Formaly to knock a man into a cocked hatwus to use him up, but now it ony gives him a chance fur the cheefmadgustracy. --H. B. 

 * * * * *

 DEAR SIR, --You wish to know my notions On sartin pints thet rile the land; There 's nothin' thet my natur so shuns Ez bein' mum or underhand; I 'm a straight-spoken kind o' creetur Thet blurts right out wut 's in his head, An' ef I 've one pecooler feetur, It is a nose thet wunt be led. 

 So, to begin at the beginnin', An' come direcly to the pint, I think the country's underpinnin' Is some consid'ble out o' jint; I aint agoin' to try your patience By tellin' who done this or thet, I don't make no insinooations, I jest let on I smell a rat. 

 Thet is, I mean, it seems to me so, But, ef the public think I 'm wrong, I wunt deny but wut I be so, -- An', fact, it don't smell very strong; My mind 's tu fair to lose its balance An' say wich party hez most sense; There may be folks o' greater talence Thet can't set stiddier on the fence. 

 I 'm an eclectic; ez to choosin' 'Twixt this an' thet, I 'm plaguy lawth; I leave a side thet looks like losin', But (wile there 's doubt) I stick to both; I stan' upon the Constitution, Ez preudunt statesmun say, who 've planned A way to git the most profusion O' chances ez to _ware_ they 'll stand. 

 Ez fer the war, I go agin it, -- I mean to say I kind o' du, -- Thet is, I mean thet, bein' in it, The best way wuz to fight it thru; Not but wut abstract war is horrid, -- I sign to thet with all my heart, -- But civlyzation _doos_ git forrid Sometimes upon a powder-cart. 

 About thet darned Proviso matter I never hed a grain o' doubt, Nor I aint one my sense to scatter So 's no one could n't pick it out; My love fer North an' South is equil, So I 'll jest answer plump an' frank, No matter wut may be the sequil, -- Yes, Sir, I _am_ agin a Bank. 

 Ez to the answerin' o' questions, I 'm an off ox at bein' druv, Though I aint one thet ary test shuns 'll give our folks a helpin' shove; Kind o' promiscoous I go it Fer the holl country, an' the ground I take, ez nigh ez I can show it, Is pooty gen'ally all round. 

 I don't appruve o' givin' pledges; You 'd ough' to leave a feller free, An' not go knockin' out the wedges To ketch his fingers in the tree; Pledges air awfle breachy cattle Thet preudunt farmers don't turn out, -- Ez long 'z the people git their rattle, Wut is there fer 'm to grout about?

 Ez to the slaves, there 's no confusion In _my_ idees consarnin' them, -- _I_ think they air an Institution, A sort of--yes, jest so, --ahem: Do _I_ own any? Of my merit On thet pint you yourself may jedge; All is, I never drink no sperit, Nor I haint never signed no pledge. 

 Ez to my principles, I glory In hevin' nothin' o' the sort; I aint a Wig, I aint a Tory, I 'm jest a candidate, in short; Thet 's fair an' square an' parpendicler, But, ef the Public cares a fig, To hev me an' thin' in particler, Wy I 'm a kind o' peri-wig. 

 P. S. 

 Ez we 're a sort o' privateerin', O' course, you know, it 's sheer an' sheer, An' there is sutthin' wuth your hearin' I 'll mention in _your_ privit ear; Ef you git _me_ inside the White House, Your head with ile I 'll kin' o' 'nint By gittin' _you_ inside the Light-house Down to the eend o' Jaalam Pint. 

 An' ez the North hez took to brustlin' At bein' scrouged frum off the roost, I 'll tell ye wut 'll save all tusslin' An' give our side a harnsome boost, -- Tell 'em thet on the Slavery question I 'm RIGHT, although to speak I 'm lawth; This gives you a safe pint to rest on, An' leaves me frontin' South by North. 

[And now of epistles candidatial, which are of two kinds, --namely, letters of acceptance, and letters definitive of position. Our republic, on the eve of an election, may safely enough be called a republic ofletters. Epistolary composition becomes then an epidemic, which seizesone candidate after another, not seldom cutting short the thread ofpolitical life. It has come to such a pass, that a party dreads less theattacks of its opponents than a letter from its candidate. _Literascripta manet_, and it will go hard if something bad cannot be made ofit. General Harrison, it is well understood, was surrounded, during hiscandidacy, with the _cordon sanitaire_ of a vigilance committee. Noprisoner in Spielberg was ever more cautiously deprived of writingmaterials. The soot was scraped carefully from the chimney-places;outposts of expert rifle-shooters rendered it sure death for any goose(who came clad in feathers) to approach within a certain limiteddistance of North Bend; and all domestic fowls about the premises werereduced to the condition of Plato's original man. By these precautionsthe General was saved. _Parva componere magnis_, I remember, that, whenparty-spirit once ran high among my people, upon occasion of the choiceof a new deacon, I, having my preferences, yet not caring too openly toexpress them, made use of an innocent fraud to bring about that resultwhich I deemed most desirable. My stratagem was no other than thethrowing a copy of the Complete Letter-Writer in the way of thecandidate whom I wished to defeat. He caught the infection, andaddressed a short note to his constituents, in which the opposite partydetected so many and so grave improprieties (he had modeled it upon theletter of a young lady accepting a proposal of marriage), that he notonly lost his election, but, falling under a suspicion of Sabellianismand I know not what (the widow Endive assured me that he was aParalipomenon, to her certain knowledge), was forced to leave the town. Thus it is that the letter killeth. 

The object which candidates propose to themselves in writing is toconvey no meaning at all. And here is a quite unsuspected pitfall intowhich they successively plunge headlong. For it is precisely in suchcryptographies that mankind are prone to seek for and find a wonderfulamount and variety of significance. _Omne ignotum pro mirifico. _ How dowe admire at the antique world striving to crack those oracular nutsfrom Delphi, Ammon, and elsewhere, in only one of which can I so muchas surmise that any kernel had ever lodged; that, namely, wherein Apolloconfessed that he was mortal. One Didymus is, moreover, related to havewritten six thousand books on the single subject of grammar, a topicrendered only more tenebrific by the labours of his successors, andwhich seems still to possess an attraction for authors in proportion asthey can make nothing of it. A singular loadstone for theologians, also, is the Beast in the Apocalypse, whereof, in the course of my studies, Ihave noted two hundred and three several interpretations, eachlethiferal to all the rest. _Non nostrum est tantas componere lites_, yet I have myself ventured upon a two hundred and fourth, which Iembodied in a discourse preached on occasion of the demise of the lateusurper, Napoleon Bonaparte, and which quieted, in a large measure, theminds of my people. It is true that my views on this important pointwere ardently controverted by Mr. Shearjashub Holden, the then preceptorof our academy, and in other particulars a very deserving and sensibleyoung man, though possessing a somewhat limited knowledge of the Greektongue. But his heresy struck down no deep root, and, he having beenlately removed by the hand of Providence, I had the satisfaction ofre-affirming my cherished sentiments in a sermon preached upon theLord's-day immediately succeeding his funeral. This might seem liketaking an unfair advantage, did I not add that he had made provision inhis last will (being celibate) for the publication of a posthumoustractate in support of his own dangerous opinions. 

I know of nothing in our modern times which approaches so nearly to theancient oracle as the letter of a Presidential candidate. Now, among theGreeks, the eating of beans was strictly forbidden to all such as had itin mind to consult those expert amphibologists, and this sameprohibition on the part of Pythagoras to his disciples is understood toimply an abstinence from politics, beans having been used as ballots. That other explication, _quod videlicet sensus eo cibo obtundiexistimaret_, though supported _pugnis et calcibus_ by many of thelearned, and not wanting the countenance of Cicero, is confuted by thelarger experience of New England. On the whole, I think it safer toapply here the rule of interpretation which now generally obtains inregard to antique cosmogonies, myths, fables, proverbial expressions, and knotty points generally, which is, to find a common-sense meaning, and then select whatever can be imagined the most opposite thereto. Inthis way we arrive at the conclusion, that the Greeks objected to thequestioning of candidates. And very properly, if, as I conceive, thechief point be not to discover what a person in that position is, orwhat he will do, but whether he can be elected. _Vos exemplaria Græcanocturna versate manu, versate diurna. _

But, since an imitation of the Greeks in this particular (the asking ofquestions being one chief privilege of freemen) is hardly to be hopedfor, and our candidates will answer, whether they are questioned or not, I would recommend that these ante-electionary dialogues should becarried on by symbols, as were the diplomatic correspondences of theScythians and Macrobii, or confined to the language of signs, like thefamous interview of Panurge and Goatsnose. A candidate might then conveya suitable reply to all committees of inquiry by closing one eye, or bypresenting them with a phial of Egyptian darkness to be speculated uponby their respective constituencies. These answers would be susceptibleof whatever retrospective construction the exigencies of the politicalcampaign might seem to demand, and the candidate could take his positionon either side of the fence with entire consistency. Or, if letters mustbe written, profitable use might be made of the Dighton rockhieroglyphic or the cuneiform script, every fresh decipherer of which isenabled to educe a different meaning, whereby a sculptured stone or twosupplies us, and will probably continue to supply posterity, with a veryvast and various body of authentic history. For even the briefestepistle in the ordinary chirography is dangerous. There is scarce anystyle so compressed that superfluous words may not be detected in it. Asevere critic might curtail that famous brevity of Cæsar's by twothirds, drawing his pen through the supererogatory _veni_ and _vidi_. Perhaps, after all, the surest footing of hope is to be found in therapidly increasing tendency to demand less and less of qualification incandidates. Already have statesmanship, experience, and the possession(nay, the profession, even) of principles been rejected as superfluous, and may not the patriot reasonably hope that the ability to write willfollow? At present, there may be death in pot-hooks as well as pots, theloop of a letter may suffice for a bow-string, and all the dreadfulheresies of Anti-slavery may lurk in a flourish. --H. W. ]

No. VIII. 

A SECOND LETTER FROM B. SAWIN, ESQ. 

[In the following epistle, we behold Mr. Sawin returning a _milesemeritus_, to the bosom of his family. _Quantum mutatus!_ The goodFather of us all had doubtless entrusted to the keeping of this child ofhis certain faculties of a constructive kind. He had put in him a shareof that vital force, the nicest economy of every minute atom of which isnecessary to the perfect development of Humanity. He had given him abrain and heart, and so had equipped his soul with the two strong wingsof knowledge and love, whereby it can mount to hang its nest under theeaves of heaven. And this child, so dowered, he had entrusted to thekeeping of his vicar, the State. How stands the account of thatstewardship? The State, or Society (call her by what name you will), hadtaken no manner of thought of him till she saw him swept out into thestreet, the pitiful leavings of last night's debauch, with cigar-ends, lemon-parings, tobacco-quids, slops, vile stenches, and the wholeloathsome next-morning of the bar-room, --an own child of the AlmightyGod! I remember him as he was brought to be christened, a ruddy, ruggedbabe; and now there he wallows, reeking, seething, --the dead corpse, notof a man, but of a soul, --a putrefying lump, horrible for the life thatis in it. Comes the wind of heaven, that good Samaritan, and parts thehair upon his forehead, nor is too nice to kiss those parched, crackedlips; the morning opens upon him her eyes full of pitying sunshine, thesky yearns down to him, --and there he lies fermenting. O sleep! let menot profane thy holy name by calling that stertorous unconsciousness aslumber! By and by comes along the State, God's vicar. Does shesay, --"My poor, forlorn foster-child! Behold here a force which I willmake dig and plant and build for me"? Not so, but, --"Here is a recruitready-made to my hand, a piece of destroying energy lying unprofitablyidle. " So she claps an ugly grey suit on him, puts a musket in hisgrasp, and sends him off, with Gubernatorial and other godspeeds, to doduty as a destroyer. 

I made one of the crowd at the last Mechanics' Fair, and, with the rest, stood gazing in wonder at a perfect machine, with its soul of fire, itsboiler-heart that sent the hot blood pulsing along the iron arteries, and its thews of steel. And while I was admiring the adaptation of meansto end, the harmonious involutions of contrivance, and thenever-bewildered complexity, I saw a grimed and greasy fellow, theimperious engine's lackey and drudge, whose sole office was to let fall, at intervals, a drop or two of oil upon a certain joint. Then my soulsaid within me, See there a piece of mechanism to which that other youmarvel at is but as the rude first effort of a child, --a force which notmerely suffices to set a few wheels in motion, but which can send animpulse all through the infinite future, --a contrivance, not for turningout pins, or stitching button-holes, but for making Hamlets and Lears. And yet this thing of iron shall be housed, waited on, guarded from rustand dust, and it shall be a crime but so much as to scratch it with apin; while the other, with its fire of God in it, shall be buffetedhither and thither, and finally sent carefully a thousand miles to bethe target for a Mexican cannon-ball. Unthrifty Mother State! My heartburned within me for pity and indignation, and I renewed this covenantwith my own soul, --_In aliis mansuetus ero, at, in blasphemiis contraChristum, non ita. _--H. W. ]

 I spose you wonder ware I be; I can't tell, fer the soul o' me, Exacly ware I be myself, --meanin' by thet the holl o' me. Wen I left hum, I hed two legs, an' they worn't bad ones neither (The scaliest trick they ever played wuz bringin' on me hither), Now one on 'em 's I dunno ware;--they thought I wuz adyin', An' sawed it off, because they said 'twuz kin' o' mortifyin'; I 'm willin' to believe it wuz, an' yit I don't see, nuther, Wy one should take to feelin' cheap a minnit sooner 'n t'other, Sence both wuz equilly to blame; but things is ez they be; It took on so they took it off, an' thet 's enough fer me: There 's one good thing, though, to be said about my wooden new one, -- The liquor can't get into it ez 't used to in the true one; So it saves drink; an' then, besides, a feller could n't beg. A gretter blessin' then to hev one ollers sober peg; It 's true a chap 's in want o' two fer follerin' a drum, But all the march I 'm up to now is jest to Kingdom Come. 

 I 've lost one eye, but thet 's a loss it 's easy to supply Out o' the glory thet I 've gut, fer thet is all my eye; An' one is big enough, I guess, by diligently usin' it, To see all I shall ever git by way o' pay fer losin' it; Off'cers, I notice, who git paid fer all our thumps an' kickins, Du wal by keepin' single eyes arter the fattest pickins; So, ez the eye 's put fairly out, I 'll larn to go without it, An' not allow _myself_ to be no gret put out about it. Now, le' me see, thet is n't all; I used, 'fore leavin' Jaalam, To count things on my finger-eends, but sutthin' seems to ail 'em: Ware 's my left hand? O, darn it, yes, I recollect wut 's come on 't; I haint no left arm but my right, an' thet 's gut jest a thumb on 't; It aint so hendy ez it wuz to cal'late a sum on 't. I 've hed some ribs broke, --six (I b'lieve), --I haint kep' no account on 'em; Wen pensions git to be the talk, I 'll settle the amount on 'em. An' now I 'm speakin' about ribs, it kin' o' brings to mind One thet I could n't never break, --the one I lef' behind; Ef you should see her, jest clear out the spout o' your invention An' pour the longest sweetnin'-in about an annooal pension, An' kin' o' hint (in case, you know, the critter should refuse to be Consoled) I aint so 'xpensive now to keep ez wut I used to be; There 's one arm less, ditto one eye, an' then the leg thet 's wooden Can be took off an' sot away wenever ther' 's a puddin'. 

 I spose you think I 'm comin' back ez opperlunt ez thunder, With shiploads o' gold images, an' varus sorts o' plunder; Wal, 'fore I vullinteered, I thought this country wuz a sort o' Canaan, a reg'lar Promised Land flowin' with rum an' water, Ware propaty growed up like time, without no cultivation, An' gold wuz dug ez taters be among our Yankee nation, Ware nateral advantages were pufficly amazin', Ware every rock there wuz about with precious stuns wuz blazin', Ware mill-sites filled the country up ez thick ez you could cram 'em, An' desput rivers run about abeggin' folks to dam 'em; Then there were meetinhouses, tu, chockful o' gold an' silver Thet you could take, an' no one could n't hand ye in no bill fer;-- Thet 's wut I thought afore I went, thet 's wut them fellers told us Thet stayed to hum an' speechified an' to the buzzards sold us; I thought thet gold mines could be gut cheaper than china asters, An' see myself acomin' back like sixty Jacob Astors; But sech idees soon melted down an' did n't leave a grease-spot; I vow my holl sheer o' the spiles would n't come nigh a V spot; Although, most anywares we 've ben, you need n't break no locks, Nor run no kin' o' risks, to fill your pocket full o' rocks. 

 I guess I mentioned in my last some o' the nateral feeturs O' this all-fiered buggy hole in th' way o' awfle creeturs, But I fergut to name (new things to speak on so abounded) How one day you 'll most die o' thust, an' 'fore the next git drownded. The clymit seems to me jest like a teapot made o' pewter Our Prudence hed, thet would n't pour (all she could du) to suit her; Fust place the leaves 'ould choke the spout, so 's not a drop 'ould dreen out, Then Prude 'ould tip an' tip an' tip, till the holl kit bust clean out, The kiver-hinge-pin bein' lost, tea-leaves an' tea an' kiver 'ould all come down _kerswosh!_ ez though the dam broke in a river. Jest so 't is here; holl months there aint a day o' rainy weather, An' jest ez th' officers 'ould be alayin' heads together Ez t' how they 'd mix their drink at sech a milingtary deepot, -- 'T 'ould pour ez though the lid wuz off the everlastin' teapot. 

 The cons'quence is, thet I shall take, wen I 'm allowed to leave here, One piece o' propaty along, --an' thet 's the shakin' fever; It 's reggilar employment, though, an' thet aint thought to harm one, Nor 't aint so tiresome ez it wuz with t' other leg an' arm on; An' it 's a consolation, tu, although it does n't pay, To hev it said you 're some gret shakes in any kin' o' way. 'T worn't very long, I tell ye wut, I thought o' fortin-makin', -- One day a reg'lar shiver-de-freeze, an' next ez good ez bakin', -- One day abrilin' in the sand, then smoth'rin' in the mashes, -- Git up all sound, be put to bed a mess o' hacks an' smashes. But then, thinks I, at any rate there 's glory to be hed, -- Thet 's an investment, arter all, thet may n't turn out so bad; But somehow, wen we 'd fit an' licked, I ollers found the thanks Gut kin' o' lodged afore they come ez low down ez the ranks; The Gin'rals gut the biggest sheer, the Cunnles next, an' so on, -- _We_ never gut a blasted mite o' glory ez I know on; An' spose we hed, I wonder how you 're goin' to contrive its Division so 's to give a piece to twenty thousand privits; Ef you should multiply by ten the portion o' the brav'st one, You would n't git more 'n half enough to speak of on a grave-stun; We git the licks, --we 're jest the grist thet 's put into War's hoppers; Leftenants is the lowest grade thet helps pick up the coppers. It may suit folks thet go agin a body with a soul in 't, An' aint contented with a hide without a bagnet hole in 't; But glory is a kin' o' thing _I_ shan't pursue no furder, Coz thet 's the off'cers parquisite, --yourn 's on'y jest the murder. 

 Wal, arter I gin glory up, thinks I at least there 's one Thing in the bills we aint hed yit, an' thet 's the GLORIOUS FUN; Ef once we git to Mexico, we fairly may persume we All day an' night shall revel in the halls o' Montezumy. I 'll tell ye wut _my_ revels wuz, an' see how you would like 'em; _We_ never gut inside the hall: the nighest ever _I_ come Wuz stan'in' sentry in the sun (an', fact, it _seemed_ a cent'ry) A ketchin' smells o' biled an' roast thet come out thru the entry, An' hearin', ez I sweltered thru my passes an' repasses, A rat-tat-too o' knives an' forks, a clinkty-clink o' glasses: I can't tell off the bill o' fare the Gin'rals hed inside All I know is, thet out o' doors a pair o' soles wuz fried, An' not a hunderd miles away frum ware this child wuz posted, A Massachusetts citizen wuz baked an' biled an' roasted; The on'y thing like revellin' thet ever come to me Wuz bein' routed out o' sleep by thet darned revelee. 

 They say the quarrel 's settled now; fer my part I 've some doubt on 't, 'T 'll take more fish-skin than folks think to take the rile clean out on 't; At any rate, I 'm so used up I can't do no more fightin', The on'y chance thet 's left to me is politics or writin'; Now, ez the people 's gut to hev a milingtary man, An' I aint nothin' else jest now, I 've hit upon a plan; The can'idatin' line, you know, 'ould suit me to a T, An' ef I lose, 't wunt hurt my ears to lodge another flea; So I 'll set up ez can'idate fer any kin' o' office (I mean fer any thet includes good easy-cheers an' soffies; Fer ez to runnin' fer a place ware work 's the time o' day, You know thet 's wut I never did, --except the other way); Ef it 's the Presidential cheer fer wich I 'd better run, Wut two legs anywares about could keep up with my one? There aint no kin' o' quality in can'idates, it 's said, So useful ez a wooden leg, --except a wooden head; There 's nothin' aint so poppylar--(wy, it 's a parfect sin To think wut Mexico hez paid fer Santy Anny's pin;)-- Then I haint gut no principles, an', sence I wuz knee-high, I never _did_ hev any gret, ez you can testify; I 'm a decided peace-man, tu, an' go agin the war, -- Fer now the holl on 't 's gone an' past, wut is there to go _for_? Ef, wile you 're 'lectioneerin' round, some curus chaps should beg To know my views o' state affairs, jest answer WOODEN LEG! Ef they aint settisfied with thet, an' kin' o' pry an' doubt An' ax fer sutthin' deffynit, jest say ONE EYE PUT OUT! Thet kin' o' talk I guess you 'll find 'll answer to a charm, An' wen you 're druv tu nigh the wall, hol' up my missin' arm; Ef they should nose round fer a pledge, put on a vartoous look An' tell 'em thet 's percisely wut I never gin nor--took!

 Then you can call me "Timbertoes, "--thet 's wut the people likes; Sutthin' combinin' morril truth with phrases sech ez strikes; Some say the people 's fond o' this, or thet, or wut you please, -- I tell ye wut the people want is jest correct idees; "Old Timbertoes, " you see 's a creed it 's safe to be quite bold on, There 's nothin' in 't the other side can any ways git hold on; It 's a good tangible idee, a sutthin' to embody Thet valooable class o' men who look thru brandy-toddy; It gives a Party Platform tu, jest level with the mind Of all right-thinkin', honest folks thet mean to go it blind; Then there air other good hooraws to dror on ez you need 'em, Sech ez the ONE-EYED SLARTERER, the BLOODY BIRDOFREDUM; Them 's wut takes hold o' folks thet think, ez well ez o' the masses, An' makes you sartin o' the aid o' good men of all classes. 

 There 's one thing I 'm in doubt about; in order to be Presidunt, It 's absolutely ne'ssary to be a Southern residunt; The Constitution settles thet, an' also thet a feller Must own a nigger o' some sort, jet black, or brown, or yeller. Now I haint no objections agin particklar climes, Nor agin ownin' anythin' (except the truth sometimes), But, ez I haint no capital, up there among ye, may be, You might raise funds enough fer me to buy a low-priced baby, An' then, to suit the No'thern folks, who feel obleeged to say They hate an' cuss the very thing they vote fer every day, Say you 're assured I go full butt fer Libbaty's diffusion An' made the purchis on'y jest to spite the Institootion;-- But, golly! there 's the currier's hoss upon the pavement pawin'! I 'll be more 'xplicit in my next. 

 Yourn, BIRDOFREDUM SAWIN. 

[We have now a tolerably fair chance of estimating how the balance-sheetstands between our returned volunteer and glory. Supposing the entriesto be set down on both sides of the account in fractional parts of onehundred, we shall arrive at something like the following result:--

 _Cr. _ B. SAWIN, Esq. , _in account with_ (BLANK) GLORY. _Dr. _

 By loss of one leg 20 To one 675th three cheers " do. One arm 15 in Faneuil Hall 30 " do. Four fingers 5 " do. Do. On occasion " do. One eye 10 of presentation of " the breaking of six ribs 6 sword to Colonel Wright 25 " having served under " one suit of grey clothes Colonel Cushing one (ingeniously unbecoming) 15 month 44 " musical entertainments (drum and fife six months) 5 " one dinner after return 1 " chance of pension 1 " privilege of drawing longbow during rest of natural life 23 ---- ---- E. E. 100 100

It would appear that Mr. Sawin found the actual feast curiously thereverse of the bill of fare advertised in Faneuil Hall and other places. His primary object seems to have been the making of his fortune. _Quærenda pecunia primum, virtus post nummos. _ He hoisted sail forEldorado, and shipwrecked on Point Tribulation. _Quid non mortaliapectora cogis, auri sacra fames?_ The speculation has sometimes crossedmy mind, in that dreary interval of drought which intervenes betweenquarterly stipendiary showers, that Providence, by the creation of amoney-tree, might have simplified wonderfully the sometimes perplexingproblem of human life. We read of bread-trees, the butter for which liesready-churned in Irish bogs. Milk-trees we are assured of in SouthAmerica, and stout Sir John Hawkins testifies to water-trees in theCanaries. Boot-trees bear abundantly in Lynn and elsewhere; and I haveseen, in the entries of the wealthy, hat-trees with a fair show offruit. A family-tree I once cultivated myself, and found therefrom but ascanty yield, and that quite tasteless and innutritious. Of treesbearing men we are not without examples; as those in the park of Louisthe Eleventh of France. Who has forgotten, moreover, that olive-treegrowing in the Athenian's back-garden, with its strange uxorious crop, for the general propagation of which, as of a new and precious variety, the philosopher Diogenes, hitherto uninterested in arboriculture, was sozealous? In the _sylva_ of our own Southern States, the females of myfamily have called my attention to the china-tree. Not to multiplyexamples, I will barely add to my list the birch-tree, in the smallerbranches of which has been implanted so miraculous a virtue forcommunicating the Latin and Greek languages, and which may welltherefore be classed among the trees producing necessaries oflife, --_venerabile donum fatalis virgæ_. That money-trees existed in thegolden age there want not prevalent reasons for our believing. For doesnot the old proverb, when it asserts that money does not grow on _every_bush, imply _à fortiori_, that there were certain bushes which didproduce it? Again, there is another ancient saw to the effect that moneyis the _root_ of all evil. From which two adages it may be safe to inferthat the aforesaid species of tree first degenerated into a shrub, thenabsconded underground, and finally, in our iron age, vanishedaltogether. In favourable exposures it may be conjectured that aspecimen or two survived to a great age, as in the garden of theHesperides; and, indeed, what else could that tree in the Sixth Æneidhave been, with a branch whereof the Trojan hero procured admission to aterritory, for the entering of which money is a surer passport than to acertain other more profitable (too) foreign kingdom? Whether thesespeculations of mine have any force in them, or whether they will notrather, by most readers, be deemed impertinent to the matter in hand, isa question which I leave to the determination of an indulgent posterity. That there were, in more primitive and happier times, shops where moneywas sold, --and that, too, on credit and at a bargain, --I take to bematter of demonstration. For what but a dealer in this article was thatÆolus who supplied Ulysses with motive power for his fleet in bags? Whatthat Ericus, king of Sweden, who is said to have kept the winds in hiscap? What, in more recent times, those Lapland Nornas who traded infavourable breezes? All which will appear the more clearly when weconsider, that, even to this day, _raising the wind_ is proverbial forraising money, and that brokers and banks were invented by the Venetiansat a later period. 

And now for the improvement of this digression. I find a parallel to Mr. Sawin's fortune in an adventure of my own. For, shortly after I hadfirst broached to myself the before-stated natural-historical andarchæological theories, as I was passing, _hæc negotia penitus mecumrevolvens_, through one of the obscure suburbs of our New Englandmetropolis, my eye was attracted by these words upon a sign-board, --CHEAPCASH-STORE. Here was at once the confirmation of my speculations, andthe substance of my hopes. Here lingered the fragment of a happier past, or stretched out the first tremulous organic filament of a morefortunate future. Thus glowed the distant Mexico to the eyes of Sawin, as he looked through the dirty pane of the recruiting-office window, orspeculated from the summit of that mirage-Pisgah which the imps of thebottle are so cunning in raising up. Already had my Alnaschar-fancy(even during that first half-believing glance) expended in varioususeful directions the funds to be obtained by pledging the manuscript ofa proposed volume of discourses. Already did a clock ornament the towerof the Jaalam meeting-house--a gift appropriately, but modestly, commemorated in the parish and town records, both, for now many years, kept by myself. Already had my son Seneca completed his course at theUniversity. Whether, for the moment, we may not be considered asactually lording it over those Baratarias with the viceroyalty of whichHope invests us, and whether we are ever so warmly housed as in ourSpanish castles, would afford matter of argument. Enough that I foundthat sign-board to be no other than a bait to the trap of a decayedgrocer. Nevertheless, I bought a pound of dates (getting short weight byreason of immense flights of harpy flies, who pursued and lighted upontheir prey even in the very scales), which purchase I made, not onlywith an eye to the little ones at home, but also as a figurative reproofof that too-frequent habit of my mind, which, forgetting the due orderof chronology, will often persuade me that the happy sceptre of Saturnis stretched over this Astræa-forsaken nineteenth century. 

Having glanced at the ledger of Glory under the title _Sawin, B. _, letus extend our investigations, and discover if that instructive volumedoes not contain some charges more personally interesting to ourselves. I think we should be more economical of our resources, did we thoroughlyappreciate the fact, that, whenever Brother Jonathan seems to bethrusting his hand into his own pocket, he is, in fact, picking ours. Iconfess that the late _muck_ which the country has been running, hasmaterially changed my views as to the best method of raising revenue. If, by means of direct taxation, the bills for every extraordinaryoutlay were brought under our immediate eye, so that, like thriftyhousekeepers, we could see where and how fast the money was going, weshould be less likely to commit extravagances. At present, these thingsare managed in such a hugger-mugger way, that we know not what we payfor; the poor man is charged as much as the rich; and, while we aresaving and scrimping at the spigot, the government is drawing off at thebung. If we could know that a part of the money we expend for tea andcoffee goes to buy powder and ball, and that it is Mexican blood whichmakes the clothes on our backs more costly, it would set some of usathinking. During the present fall, I have often pictured to myself agovernment official entering my study, and handing me the followingbill:--

 WASHINGTON, Sept. 30, 1848. 

 REV. HOMER WILBUR _to_ UNCLE SAMUEL, _Dr. _

 To his share of work done in Mexico on partnership account, sundry jobs, as below. 

 " killing, maiming, and wounding about 5, 000 Mexicans $2. 00

 " slaughtering one woman carrying water to wounded . 10

 " extra work on two different Sabbaths (one bombardment and one assault) whereby the Mexicans were prevented from defiling themselves with the idolatries of high mass 3. 50

 " throwing an especially fortunate and Protestant bomb-shell into the Cathedral at Vera Cruz, whereby several female Papists were slain at the altar . 50

 " his proportion of cash paid for conquered territory 1. 75

 " do. Do. For conquering do. 1. 50

 " manuring do. With new superior compost called "American Citizen" . 50

 " extending the area of freedom and Protestantism . 01

 " glory . 01 ------ $9. 87

 _Immediate payment is requested. _

N. B. Thankful for former favours, U. S. Requests a continuance ofpatronage. Orders executed with neatness and despatch. Terms as low asthose of any other contractor for the same kind and style of work. 

I can fancy the official answering my look of horror with, --"Yes, Sir, it looks like a high charge, Sir; but in these days slaughtering isslaughtering. " Verily, I would that every one understood that it was;for it goes about obtaining money under the false pretence of beingglory. For me, I have an imagination which plays me uncomfortabletricks. It happens to me sometimes to see a slaughterer on his way homefrom his day's work, and forthwith my imagination puts a cocked-hat uponhis head, and epaulettes upon his shoulders, and sets him up as acandidate for the Presidency. So, also, on a recent public occasion, asthe place assigned to the "Reverend Clergy" is just behind that of"Officers of the Army and Navy" in processions, it was my fortune to beseated at the dinner-table over against one of these respectablepersons. He was arrayed as (out of his own profession) only kings, court-officers, and footmen are in Europe, and Indians in America. Nowwhat does my over-officious imagination but set to work upon him, striphim of his gay livery, and present him to me coatless, his trousersthrust into the tops of a pair of boots thick with clotted blood, and abasket on his arm out of which lolled a gore-smeared axe, therebydestroying my relish for the temporal mercies upon the board beforeme. --H. W. ]

No. IX. 

A THIRD LETTER FROM B. SAWIN, ESQ. 

[Upon the following letter slender comment will be needful. In whatriver Selemnus has Mr. Sawin bathed, that he has become so swiftlyoblivious of his former loves? From an ardent and (as befits a soldier)confident wooer of that coy bride, the popular favour, we see himsubside of a sudden into the (I trust not jilted) Cincinnatus, returningto his plough with a goodly-sized branch of willow in his hand;figuratively returning, however, to a figurative plough, and from noprofound affection for that honoured implement of husbandry (for which, indeed, Mr. Sawin never displayed any decided predilection), but inorder to be gracefully summoned therefrom to more congenial labours. Itwould seem that the character of the ancient Dictator had become part ofthe recognised stock of our modern political comedy, though, as our termof office extends to a quadrennial length, the parallel is not sominutely exact as could be desired. It is sufficiently so, however, forpurposes of scenic representation. An humble cottage (if built of logs, the better) forms the Arcadian background of the stage. This rusticparadise is labeled Ashland, Jaalam, North Bend, Marshfield, Kinderhook, or Bâton Rouge, as occasion demands. Before the door stands a somethingwith one handle (the other painted in proper perspective), whichrepresents, in happy ideal vagueness, the plough. To this the defeatedcandidate rushes with delirious joy, welcomed as a father byappropriate groups of happy labourers, or from it the successful one istorn with difficulty, sustained alone by a noble sense of public duty. Only I have observed, that, if the scene be laid at Bâton Rouge orAshland, the labourers are kept carefully in the background, and areheard to shout from behind the scenes in a singular tone, resemblingululation, and accompanied by a sound not unlike vigorous clapping. This, however, may be artistically in keeping with the habits of therustic population of those localities. The precise connexion betweenagricultural pursuits and statesmanship I have not been able, afterdiligent inquiry, to discover. But, that my investigations may not bebarren of all fruit, I will mention one curious statistical fact, whichI consider thoroughly established, namely, that no real farmer everattains practically beyond a seat in General Court, howevertheoretically qualified for more exalted station. 

It is probable that some other prospect has been opened to Mr. Sawin, and that he has not made this great sacrifice without some definiteunderstanding in regard to a seat in the cabinet, or a foreign mission. It may be supposed that we of Jaalam were not untouched by a feeling ofvillatic pride in beholding our townsman occupying so large a space inthe public eye. And to me, deeply revolving the qualifications necessaryto a candidate in these frugal times, those of Mr. S. Seemed peculiarlyadapted to a successful campaign. The loss of a leg, an arm, an eye, andfour fingers, reduced him so nearly to the condition of a _vox etpræterea nihil_, that I could think of nothing but the loss of his headby which his chance could have been bettered. But since he has chosen tobaulk our suffrages, we must content ourselves with what we can get, remembering _lactucas non esse dandas, dum cardui sufficiant_. --H. W. ]

 I spose you recollect thet I explained my gennle views In the last billet thet I writ, 'way down frum Veery Cruze, Jest arter I 'd a kind o' ben spontanously sot up To run unanimously fer the Presidential cup; O' course it worn't no wish o' mine, 't wuz ferfiely distressin', But poppiler enthusiasm gut so almighty pressin' Thet, though like sixty all along I fumed an' fussed an' sorrered, There did n't seem no ways to stop their bringin' on me forrerd: Fact is, they udged the matter so, I could n't help admittin' The Father o' his Country's shoes no feet but mine 'ould fit in, Besides the savin' o' the soles fer ages to succeed, Seein' thet with one wannut foot, a pair 'd be more 'n I need; An', tell ye wut, them shoes 'll want a thund'rin' sight o' patchin', Ef this ere fashion is to last we 've gut into o' hatchin' A pair o' second Washintons fer every new election, -- Though, fur ez number one 's consarned, I don't make no objection. 

 I wuz agoin' on to say thet wen at fust I saw The masses would stick to 't I wuz the Country's father-'n-law (They would ha' hed it _Father_, but I told 'em 't would n't du, Coz thet wuz sutthin' of a sort they could n't split in tu, An' Washinton hed hed the thing laid fairly to his door, Nor dars n't say 't worn't his'n, much ez sixty year afore), But 't aint no matter ez to thet; wen I wuz nomernated, 'T worn't natur but wut I should feel consid'able elated, An' wile the hooraw o' the thing wuz kind o' noo an' fresh, I thought our ticket would ha' caird the country with a resh. 

 Sence I 've come hum, though, an' looked round, I think I seem to find Strong argimunts ez thick ez fleas to make me change my mind; It 's clear to any one whose brain ain't fur gone in a phthisis, Thet hail Columby's happy land is goin' thru a crisis, An' 't would n't noways du to hev the people's mind distracted By bein' all to once by sev'ral pop'lar names attackted; 'T would save holl haycartloads o' fuss an' three four months o' jaw, Ef some illustrous paytriot should back out an' withdraw; So, ez I aint a crooked stick, jest like--like ole (I swow, I dunno ez I know his name)--I 'll go back to my plough. Now, 't aint no more 'n is proper 'n' right in sech a sitooation To hint the course you think 'll be the savin' o' the nation; To funk right out o' p'lit'cal strife aint thought to be the thing, Without you deacon off the toon you want your folks should sing; So I edvise the noomrous friends thet 's in one boat with me To jest up killock, jam right down their hellum hard a lee, Haul the sheets taut, an', laying out upon the Suthun tack, Make fer the safest port they can, wich, _I_ think, is Ole Zack. 

 Next thing you 'll want to know, I spose, wut argimunts I seem To see thet makes me think this ere 'll be the strongest team; Fust place, I've ben consid'ble round in bar-rooms an' saloons Agethrin' public sentiment, 'mongst Demmercrats and Coons, An' 't aint ve'y offen thet I meet a chap but wut goes in Fer Rough an' Ready, fair an' square, hufs, taller, horns, an' skin; I don't deny but wut, fer one, ez fur ez I could see, I didn't like at fust the Pheladelphy nomernee; I could ha' pinted to a man thet wuz, I guess, a peg Higher than him, --a soger, tu, an' with a wooden leg; But every day with more an' more o' Taylor zeal I 'm burnin', Seein' wich way the tide thet sets to office is aturnin'; Wy, into Bellers's we notched the votes down on three sticks, -- 'T wuz Birdofredum _one_, Cass _aught_, an' Taylor _twenty-six_, An', bein' the on'y canderdate thet wuz upon the ground, They said 't wuz no more 'n right thet I should pay the drinks all round; Ef I 'd expected sech a trick, I would n't ha' cut my foot By goin' an' votin' fer myself like a consumed coot; It did n't make no diff'rence, though; I wish I may be cust, Ef Bellers wuz n't slim enough to say he would n't trust!

 Another pint thet influences the minds o' sober jedges Is thet the Gin'ral hez n't gut tied hand an' foot with pledges; He hez n't told ye wut he is, an' so there aint no knowin' But wut he may turn out to be the best there is agoin'; This, at the on'y spot thet pinched, the shoe directly eases, Coz every one is free to 'xpect percisely wut he pleases: I want free-trade; you don't; the Gin'ral is n't bound to neither;-- I vote my way; you, yourn; an' both air sooted to a T there. Ole Rough an' Ready, tu, 's a Wig, but without bein' ultry (He 's like a holsome hayinday, thet 's warm, but is n't sultry); He 's jest wut I should call myself, a kin' o' _scratch_, ez 't ware, Thet aint exacly all a wig nor wholly your own hair; I 've ben a Wig three weeks myself, jest o' this mod'rate sort, An' don't find them an' Demmercrats so different ez I thought; They both act pooty much alike, an' push an' scrouge an' cus; They 're like two pickpockets in league fer Uncle Samwell's pus; Each takes a side, an' then they squeeze the old man in between 'em, Turn all his pockets wrong side out an' quick ez lightnin' clean 'em; To nary one on 'em I 'd trust a secon'-handed rail No furder off 'an I could sling a bullock by the tail. Webster sot matters right in that air Mashfiel' speech o' his'n;-- "Taylor, " sez he, "aint nary ways the one thet I 'd a chizzen, Nor he ain't fittin' fer the place, an' like ez not he aint No more 'n a tough ole bullethead, an' no gret of a saint; But then, " sez he, "obsarve my pint, he's jest ez good to vote fer Ez though the greasin' on him worn't a thing to hire Choate fer; Aint it ez easy done to drop a ballot in a box Fer one ez 't is fer t' other, fer the bulldog ez the fox?" It takes a mind like Dannel's, fact, ez big ez all ou' doors, To find out thet it looks like rain arter it fairly pours; I 'gree with him, it aint so dreffle troublesome to vote Fer Taylor arter all, --it 's jest to go an' change your coat; Wen he's once greased, you 'll swaller him an' never know on't, source, Unless he scratches, goin' down, with them air Gin'ral's spurs. I 've ben a votin' Demmercrat, ez reg'lar ez a clock, But don't find goin' Taylor gives my narves no gret 'f a shock; Truth is, the cutest leadin' Wigs, ever sence fust they found Wich side the bread gut buttered on, hev kep' a edgin' round; They kin' o' slipt the planks frum out th' ole platform one by one An' made it gradooally noo, 'fore folks know'd wut wuz done, Till, fur 'z I know, there aint an inch thet I could lay my han' on, But I, or any Demmercrat, feels comf'table to stan' on, An' ole Wig doctrines act'lly look, their occ'pants bein' gone, Lonesome ez staddles on a mash without no hay-ricks on. 

 I spose it 's time now I should give my thoughts upon the plan, Thet chipped the shell at Buffalo, o' settin' up ole Van. I used to vote fer Martin, but, I swan, I 'm clean disgusted, -- He aint the man thet I can say is fittin' to be trusted; He aint half antislav'ry 'nough, nor I aint sure, ez some be, He 'd go in fer abolishin' the Deestrick o' Columby; An', now I come to recollect, it kin' o' makes me sick 'z A horse, to think o' wut he wuz in eighteen thirty-six. An' then, another thing;--I guess, though mebby I am wrong, This Buff'lo plaster aint agoin' to dror almighty strong; Some folks, I know, hev gut th' idee thet No'thun dough 'll rise, Though, 'fore I see it riz an' baked, I would n't trust my eyes; 'T will take more emptins, a long chalk, than this noo party 's gut, To give sech heavy cakes ez them a start, I tell ye wut. But even ef they caird the day, there would n't be no endurin' To stand upon a platform with sech critters ez Van Buren;-- An' his son John, tu, I can't think how thet air chap should dare To speak ez he doos; wy, they say he used to cuss an' swear! I spose he never read the hymn thet tells how down the stairs A feller with long legs wuz throwed thet would n't say his prayers. 

 This brings me to another pint: the leaders o' the party Aint jest sech men ez I can act along with free an' hearty; They aint not quite respectable, an' wen a feller's morrils Don't toe the straightest kin' o' mark, wy, him an' me jest quarrils. I went to a free soil meetin' once, an' wut d' ye think I see? A feller wuz aspoutin' there thet act'lly come to me, About two year ago last spring, ez nigh ez I can jedge, An' axed me ef I didn't want to sign the Temprunce pledge! He 's one o' them thet goes about an' sez you hed n't ough' to Drink nothin', mornin', noon, or night, stronger 'an Taunton water. There 's one rule I 've ben guided by, in settlin' how to vote, ollers, -- I take the side thet _is n't_ took by them consarned tee-totallers. 

 Ez fer the niggers, I 've been South, an' thet hez changed my mind; A lazier, more ungrateful set you could n't nowers find. You know I mentioned in my last thet I should buy a nigger, Ef I could make a purchase at a pooty mod'rate figger; So, ez there 's nothin' in the world I 'm fonder of 'an gunnin', I closed a bargin finally to take a feller runnin'. I shou'dered queen's-arm an' stumped out, an' wen I come t' th' swamp, 'T worn't very long afore I gut upon the nest o' Pomp; I come acrost a kin' o' hut, an', playin' round the door, Some little woolly-headed cubs, ez many 'z six or more. At fust I thought o' firin', but _think twice_ is safest ollers; There aint, thinks I, not one on em' but 's wuth his twenty dollars, Or would be, ef I hed 'em back into a Christian land, -- How temptin' all on 'em would look upon an auction-stand! (Not but wut _I_ hate Slavery in th' abstract, stem to starn, -- I leave it ware our fathers did, a privit State consarn. ) Soon 'z they see _me_, they yelled an' run, but Pomp wuz out ahoein' A leetle patch o' corn he hed, or else there aint no knowin' He would n't ha' took a pop at me; but I hed gut the start, An' wen he looked, I vow he groaned ez though he'd broke his heart; He done it like a wite man, tu, ez nat'ral ez a pictur, The imp'dunt, pis'nous hypocrite! wus 'an a boy constrictur. "You can 't gum _me_, I tell ye now, an' so you need n't try, I 'xpect my eye-teeth every mail, so jest shet up, " sez I. "Don't go to actin' ugly now, or else I 'll jest let strip, You 'd best draw kindly, seein' 'z how I 've gut ye on the hip; Besides, you darned ole fool, it aint no gret of a disaster To be benev'lently druv back to a contented master, Ware you hed Christian priv'ledges you don't seem quite aware of, Or you 'd ha' never run away from bein' well took care of; Ez fer kin' treatment, wy, he wuz so fond on ye, he said He 'd give a fifty spot right out, to git ye, 'live or dead; Wite folks aint sot by half ez much; 'member I run away, Wen I wuz bound to Cap'n Jakes, to Mattysqumscot bay; Don' know him, likely? Spose not; wal, the mean ole codger went An' offered--wut reward, think? Wal, it worn't no _less_ 'n a cent. "

 Wal, I jest gut 'em into line, an druv 'em on afore me, The pis'nous brutes, I 'd no idee o' the ill-will they bore me; We walked till som'ers about noon, an' then it grew so hot I thought it best to camp awile, so I chose out a spot Jest under a magnoly tree, an' there right down I sot; Then I unstrapped my wooden leg, coz it begun to chafe, An' laid it down jest by my side, supposin' all wuz safe; I made my darkies all set down around me in a ring, An' sot an' kin' o' ciphered up how much the lot would bring; But, wile I drinked the peaceful cup of a pure heart an' mind (Mixed with some wiskey, now an' then), Pomp he snaked up behind, An', creepin' grad'lly close tu, ez quiet ez a mink, Jest grabbed my leg, and then pulled foot, quicker 'an you could wink, An', come to look, they each on 'em hed gut behin' a tree, An' Pomp poked out the leg a piece, jest so ez I could see, An' yelled to me to throw away my pistils an' my gun, Or else thet they 'd cair off the leg an' fairly cut the run. I vow I did n't b'lieve there wuz a decent alligatur Thet hed a heart so destitoot o' common human natur; However, ez there worn't no help, I finally gev in An' heft my arms away to git my leg safe back agin. Pomp gethered all the weapins up, an' then he come an' grinned, He showed his ivory some, I guess, an' sez, "You 're fairly pinned; Jest buckle on your leg agin, an' git right up an' come, 'T wun't du fer fammerly men like me to be so long from hum. " At fust I put my foot right down an' swore I would n't budge. "Jest ez you choose, " sez he, quite cool, "either be shot or trudge. " So this black-hearted monster took an' act'lly druv me back Along the very feetmarks o' my happy mornin' track, An' kep' me pris'ner 'bout six months, an' worked me, tu, like sin, Till I bed gut his corn an' his Carliny taters in; He made me larn him readin', tu (although the crittur saw How much it hurt my morril sense to act agin the law), So 'st he could read a Bible he 'd gut; an' axed ef I could pint The North Star out; but there I put his nose some out o' jint, Fer I weeled roun' about sou'west, an', lookin' up a bit, Picked out a middlin' shiny one an' tole him thet wuz it. Fin'lly, he took me to the door, an', givin' me a kick, Sez, --"Ef you know wut 's best fer ye, be off, now, double-quick; The winter-time 's a comin' on, an', though I gut ye cheap, You 're so darned lazy, I don't think you 're hardly wuth your keep; Besides, the childrin's growin' up, an' you aint jest the model I 'd like to hev 'em immertate, an' so you 'd better toddle!"

 Now is there any thin' on airth 'll ever prove to me Thet renegader slaves like him air fit fer bein' free? D' you think they 'll suck me in to jine the Buff'lo chaps, an' them Rank infidels thet go agin the Scriptur'l cus o' Shem? Not by a jugfull! sooner 'n thet, I 'd go thru fire an' water; Wen I hev once made up my mind, a meet'nhus aint sotter; No, not though all the crows thet flies to pick my bones wuz cawin', -- I guess we 're in a Christian land, --

 Yourn, BIRDOFREDUM SAWIN. 

[Here, patient reader, we take leave of each other, I trust with somemutual satisfaction. I say _patient_, for I love not that kind whichskims dippingly over the surface of the page, as swallows over a poolbefore rain. By such no pearls shall be gathered. But if no pearlsthere be (as, indeed, the world is not without example of bookswherefrom the longest-winded diver shall bring up no more than hisproper handful of mud), yet let us hope that an oyster or two may rewardadequate perseverance. If neither pearls nor oysters, yet is patienceitself a gem worth diving deeply for. 

It may seem to some that too much space has been usurped by my ownprivate lucubrations, and some may be fain to bring against me that oldjest of him who preached all his hearers out of the meeting-house saveonly the sexton, who, remaining for yet a little space, from a sense ofofficial duty, at last gave out also, and, presenting the keys, humblyrequested our preacher to lock the doors, when he should have whollyrelieved himself of his testimony. I confess to a satisfaction in theself act of preaching, nor do I esteem a discourse to be wholly thrownaway even upon a sleeping or unintelligent auditory. I cannot easilybelieve that the Gospel of St. John, which Jacques Cartier ordered to beread in the Latin tongue to the Canadian savages, upon his first meetingwith them, fell altogether upon stony ground. For the earnestness of thepreacher is a sermon appreciable by dullest intellects and most alienears. In this wise did Episcopius convert many to his opinions, who yetunderstood not the language in which he discoursed. The chief thing is, that the messenger believe that he has an authentic message to deliver. For counterfeit messengers that mode of treatment which Father John dePlano Carpini relates to have prevailed among the Tartars would seemeffectual, and, perhaps, deserved enough. For my own part, I may layclaim to so much of the spirit of martyrdom as would have led me to gointo banishment with those clergymen whom Alphonso the Sixth of Portugaldrave out of his kingdom for refusing to shorten their pulpit eloquence. It is possible, that, having been invited into my brother Biglow'sdesk, I may have been too little scrupulous in using it for the ventingof my own peculiar doctrines to a congregation drawn together in theexpectation and with the desire of hearing him. 

I am not wholly unconscious of a peculiarity of mental organizationwhich impels me, like the railroad-engine with its train of cars, to runbackward for a short distance in order to obtain a fairer start. I maycompare myself to one fishing from the rocks when the sea runs high, who, misinterpreting the suction of the undertow for the biting of somelarger fish, jerks suddenly, and finds that he has _caught bottom_, hauling in upon the end of his line a trail of various _algæ_, amongwhich, nevertheless, the naturalist may haply find somewhat to repay thedisappointment of the angler. Yet have I conscientiously endeavoured toadapt myself to the impatient temper of the age, daily degenerating moreand more from the high standard of our pristine New England. To thecatalogue of lost arts I would mournfully add also that of listening totwo-hour sermons. Surely we have been abridged into a race of pigmies. For, truly, in those of the old discourses yet subsisting to us inprint, the endless spinal column of divisions and subdivisions can belikened to nothing so exactly as to the vertebræ of the saurians, whencethe theorist may conjecture a race of Anakim proportionate to thewithstanding of these other monsters. I say Anakim rather than Nephelim, because there seem reasons for supposing that the race of those whoseheads (though no giants) are constantly enveloped in clouds (which thatname imports) will never become extinct. The attempt to vanquish theinnumerable _heads_ of one of those aforementioned discourses may supplyus with a plausible interpretation of the second labour of Hercules, andhis successful experiment with fire affords us a useful precedent. 

But while I lament the degeneracy of the age in this regard, I cannotrefuse to succumb to its influence. Looking out through my study-window, I see Mr. Biglow at a distance busy in gathering his Baldwins, of which, to judge by the number of barrels lying about under the trees, his cropis more abundant than my own, --by which sight I am admonished to turn tothose orchards of the mind wherein my labours may be more prospered, andapply myself diligently to the preparation of my next Sabbath'sdiscourse. --H. W. ]

GLOSSARY. 

 A. 

 Act'lly, _actually_. 

 Air, _are_. 

 Airth, _earth_. 

 Airy, _area_. 

 Aree, _area_. 

 Arter, _after_. 

 Ax, _ask_. 

 B. 

 Beller, _bellow_. 

 Bellowses, _lunge_. 

 Ben, _been_. 

 Bile, _boil_. 

 Bimeby, _by and by_. 

 Blurt out, _to speak bluntly_. 

 Bust, _burst_. 

 Buster, _a roistering blade_; used also as a general superlative. 

 C. 

 Caird, _carried_. 

 Cairn, _carrying_. 

 Caleb, _a turncoat_. 

 Cal'late, _calculate_. 

 Cass, _a person with two lives_. 

 Close, _clothes_. 

 Cockerel, _a young cock_. 

 Cocktail, _a kind of drink_; also, _an ornament peculiar to soldiers_. 

 Convention, _a place where people are imposed on_; _a juggler's show_. 

 Coons, _a cant term for a now defunct party_; derived, perhaps, from the fact of their being commonly _up a tree_. 

 Cornwallis, _a sort of muster in masquerade_; supposed to have had its origin soon after the Revolution, and to commemorate the surrender of Lord Cornwallis. It took the place of the old Guy Fawkes procession. 

 Crooked stick, _a perverse, froward person_. 

 Cunnle, _a colonel_. 

 Cus, _a curse_; also, _a pitiful fellow_. 

 D. 

 Darsn't, used indiscriminately, either in singular or plural number, for _dare not_, _dares not_, and _dared not_. 

 Deacon off, _to give the cue to_; derived from a custom, once universal, but now extinct, in our New England Congregational churches. An important part of the office of deacon was to read aloud the hymns _given out_ by the minister, one line at a time, the congregation singing each line as soon as read. 

 Demmercrat, leadin', _one in favour of extending slavery_; _a free-trade lecturer maintained in the custom-house_. 

 Desput, _desperate_. 

 Doos, _does_. 

 Doughface, _a contented lick-spittle_; a common variety of Northern politician. 

 Dror, _draw_. 

 Du, _do_. 

 Dunno, dno, _do not_ or _does not know_. 

 Dut, _dirt_. 

 E. 

 Eend, _end_. 

 Ef, _if_. 

 Emptins, _yeast_. 

 Env'y, _envoy_. 

 Everlasting, an intensive, without reference to duration. 

 Ev'y, _every_. 

 Ez, _as_. 

 F. 

 Fer, _for_. 

 Ferfle, ferful, _fearful_; also an intensive. 

 Fin', _find_. 

 Fish-skin, used in New England to clarify coffee. 

 Fix, _a difficulty_, _a nonplus_. 

 Foller, folly, _to follow_. 

 Forrerd, _forward_. 

 Frum, _from_. 

 Fur, _far_. 

 Furder, _farther_. 

 Furrer, _furrow_. Metaphorically, _to draw a straight furrow_ is to live uprightly or decorously. 

 Fust, _first_. 

 G. 

 Gin, _gave_. 

 Git, _get_. 

 Gret, _great_. 

 Grit, _spirit_, _energy_, _pluck_. 

 Grout, _to sulk_. 

 Grouty, _crabbed_, _surly_. 

 Gum, _to impose on_. 

 Gump, _a foolish fellow_, _a dullard_. 

 Gut, _got_. 

 H. 

 Hed, _had_. 

 Heern, _heard_. 

 Hellum, _helm_. 

 Hendy, _handy_. 

 Het, _heated_. 

 Hev, _have_. 

 Hez, _has_. 

 Holl, _whole_. 

 Holt, _hold_. 

 Huf, _hoof_. 

 Hull, _whole_. 

 Hum, _home_. 

 Humbug, _General Taylor's antislavery_. 

 Hut, _hurt_. 

 I. 

 Idno, _I do not know_. 

 In'my, _enemy_. 

 Insines, _ensigns_; used to designate both the officer who carries the standard, and the standard itself. 

 Inter, intu, _into_. 

 J. 

 Jedge, _judge_. 

 Jest, _just_. 

 Jine, _join_. 

 Jint, _joint_. 

 Junk, _a fragment of any solid substance_. 

 K. 

 Keer, _care_. 

 Kep, _kept_. 

 Killock, _a small anchor_. 

 Kin', kin' o', kinder, _kind_, _kind of_. 

 L. 

 Lawth, _loath_. 

 Let day-light into, _to shoot_. 

 Let on, _to hint_, _to confess_, _to own_. 

 Lick, _to beat_, _to overcome_. 

 Lights, _the bowels_. 

 Lily-pads, _leaves of the water-lily_. 

 Long-sweetening, _molasses_. 

 Loon, _the northern diver_. 

 M. 

 Mash, _marsh_. 

 Mean, _stingy_, _ill-natured_. 

 Min', _mind_. 

 N. 

 Ned, a slang phrase, going it like Ned, equivalent to our 'going like old Harry. '

 Nimepunce, _ninepence_, _twelve and a half cents_. 

 Nowers, _nowhere_. 

 O. 

 Offen, _often_. 

 Ole, _old_. 

 Ollers, olluz, _always_. 

 On, _of_; used before _it_ or _them_, or at the end of a sentence, as _on 't_, _on 'em_, _nut ez ever I heerd on_. 

 On'y, _only_. 

 Ossifer, _officer_ (seldom heard). 

 P. 

 Peaked, _pointed_. 

 Peek, _to peep_. 

 Pickerel, _the pike, a fish_. 

 Pint, _point_. 

 Pocket full of rocks, _plenty of money_. 

 Pooty, _pretty_. 

 Pop'ler, _conceited_, _popular_. 

 Pus, _purse_. 

 Put out, _troubled_, _vexed_. 

 Q. 

 Quarter, _a quarter-dollar_. 

 Queen's arm, _a musket_. 

 R. 

 Resh, _rush_. 

 Revelee, _the réveille_. 

 Rile, _to trouble_. 

 Riled, _angry_; _disturbed_, as the sediment in any liquid. 

 Riz, _risen_. 

 Row, a long row to hoe, _a difficult task_. 

 Rugged, _robust_. 

 Row-de-dow, _troublesome talk_. 

 S. 

 Sarse, _abuse_, _impertinence_. 

 Sartin, _certain_. 

 Saxon, _sacristan_, _sexton_. 

 Scaliest, _worst_. 

 Scringe, _cringe_. 

 Scrouge, _to crowd_. 

 Sech, _such_. 

 Set by, _valued_. 

 Shakes, great, _of considerable consequence_. 

 Shappoes, _chapeaux_, _cocked-hats_. 

 Sheer, _share_. 

 Shet, _shut_. 

 Shine, _a fancy or liking_, also written _shindy_. 

 Shut, _shirt_. 

 Skeered, _scared_. 

 Skeeter, _mosquito_. 

 Skooting, _running_ or _moving swiftly_. 

 Slarterin', _slaughtering_. 

 Slim, _contemptible_. 

 Snaked, _crawled like a snake_; but _to snake any one out_, is to track him to his hiding-place; _to snake a thing out_ is to snatch it out. 

 Soffies, _sofas_. 

 Sogerin', _soldiering_; a barbarous amusement common among men in the savage state. 

 Som'ers, _somewhere_. 

 So 'st, _so as that_. 

 Sot, _set_, _obstinate_, _resolute_. 

 Spiles, _spoils_; _objects of political ambition_. 

 Spry, _active_. 

 Staddles, _stout stakes driven into the salt marshes_, on which the hay-ricks are set, and thus raised out of the reach of high tides. 

 Streaked, _uncomfortable_, _discomfited_. 

 Suckle, _circle_. 

 Sutthin', _something_. 

 Suttin, _certain_. 

 Swan, _to swear_. 

 T. 

 Take on, _to sorrow_. 

 Talents, _talons_. 

 Taters, _potatoes_. 

 Tell, _till_. 

 Tetch, _touch_. 

 Tetch tu, _to be able_; used always after a negative in this sense. 

 Tollable, _tolerable_. 

 Toot, used derisively _for playing on any wind instrument_. 

 Thru, _through_. 

 Thundering, a euphemism common in New England, for the profane English expression _devilish_. Perhaps derived from the belief, common formerly, that thunder was caused by the Prince of the Air, for some of whose accomplishments consult Cotton Mather. 

 Tu, _to_, _too_; commonly has this sound when used emphatically, or at the end of a sentence. At other times it has the sound of _t_ in _tough_, as _Ware ye goin' tu? Goin' ta Boston_. 

 U. 

 Ugly, _ill-tempered_, _intractable_. 

 Uncle Sam, _United States_; the largest boaster of liberty and owner of slaves. 

 Unrizzest, applied to dough or bread; _heavy_, _most unrisen_, or _most incapable of rising_. 

 V

 V spot, _a five-dollar bill_. 

 Vally, _value_. 

 W. 

 Wake snakes, _to get into trouble_. 

 Wal, _well_; spoken with great deliberation, and sometimes with the _a_ very much flattened, sometimes (but more seldom) very much broadened. 

 Wannut, _walnut_ (_hickory_). 

 Ware, _where_. 

 Ware, _were_. 

 Whopper, _an uncommonly large lie_; as, that General Taylor is in favour of the Wilmot Proviso. 

 Wig, _Whig_; a party now dissolved. 

 Wiz, _to whiz_; _go off_ (like a rocket). 

 Wunt, _will not_. 

 Wus, _worse_. 

 Wut, _what_. 

 Wuth, _worth_; as, _Antislavery perfessions 'fore 'lection aint wuth a Bungtown copper_. 

 Wuz, _was_, sometimes _were_. 

 Y. 

 Yaller, _yellow_. 

 Yeller, _yellow_. 

 Yellers, _a disease of peach-trees_. 

 Z. 

 Zach, Ole, _a second Washington_, _an antislavery slaveholder_, _a humane buyer and seller of men and women_, _a Christian hero generally_. 

INDEX. 

 A. B. , information wanted concerning, 76. 

 Adam, eldest son of, respected, 10. 

 Æneas goes to hell, 101. 

 Æolus, a seller of money, as is supposed by some, 101. 

 Æschylus, a saying of, 51, _note_. 

 Alligator, a decent one conjectured to be, in some sort, humane, 120. 

 Alphonso the Sixth of Portugal, tyrannical act of, 120. 

 Ambrose, Saint, excellent (but rationalistic) sentiment of, 35. 

 "American Citizen, " new compost so called, 104. 

 American Eagle, a source of inspiration, 45 --hitherto wrongly classed, 51 --long bill of, 51. 

 Amos, cited, 34. 

 Anakim, that they formerly existed, shown, 124. 

 Angels, providentially speak French, 23 --conjectured to be skilled in all tongues, _ib. _

 Anglo-Saxondom, its idea, what, 21. 

 Anglo-Saxon mask, 21. 

 Anglo-Saxon race, 16. 

 Anglo-Saxon verse, by whom carried to perfection, 11. 

 Antonius, a speech of, 40 --by whom best reported, _ib. _

 Apocalypse, beast in, magnetic to theologians, 83. 

 Apollo, confessed mortal by his own oracle, 83. 

 Apollyon, his tragedies popular, 72. 

 Appian, an Alexandrian, not equal to Shakspeare as an orator, 40. 

 Ararat, ignorance of foreign tongues is an, 53. 

 Arcadian background, 106. 

 Aristophanes, 34. 

 Arms, profession of, once esteemed especially that of gentlemen, 10. 

 Arnold, 42. 

 Ashland, 106. 

 Astor, Jacob, a rich man, 91. 

 Astræa, nineteenth century forsaken by, 102. 

 Athenians, ancient, an institution of, 41. 

 Atherton, Senator, envies the loon, 60. 

 Austin, St. , profane wish of, 43, _note_. 

 Aye-Aye, the, an African animal, America supposed to be settled by, 25. 

 Babel, probably the first Congress, 53 --a gabble-mill, _ib. _

 Baby, a low-priced one, 98. 

 Bagowind, Hon. Mr. , whether to be damned, 63. 

 Baldwin apples, 125. 

 Baratarias, real or imaginary, which most pleasant, 102. 

 Barnum, a great natural curiosity recommended to, 49. 

 Barrels, an inference from seeing, 125. 

 Bâton Rouge, 106 --strange peculiarities of labourers at, 107. 

 Baxter, R. , a saying of, 35. 

 Bay, Mattysqumscot, 119. 

 Bay State, singular effect produced on military officers by leaving it, 21. 

 Beast in Apocalypse, a loadstone, for whom, 83. 

 Beelzebub, his rigadoon, 61. 

 Behmen, his letters not letters, 76. 

 Bellers, a saloon-keeper, 111 --inhumanly refuses credit to a presidential candidate, 112. 

 Biglow, Ezekiel, his letter to Hon. J. T. Buckingham, 1 --never heard of any one named Mundishes, 2 --nearly four-score years old, _ib. _ --his aunt Keziah, a notable saying of, 3. 

 Biglow, Hosea, excited by composition, 2 --a poem by, 3, 66 --his opinion of war, 4 --wanted at home by Nancy, 7 --recommends a forcible enlistment of warlike editors, _ib. _ --would not wonder, if generally agreed with, 9 --versifies letter of Mr. Sawin, 11 --a letter from, 12, 57, 77 --his opinion of Mr. Sawin, 12 --does not deny fun at Cornwallis, 14, _note_ --his idea of militia glory, 17, _note_ --a pun of, 18, _note_ --is uncertain in regard to people of Boston, _ib. _ --had never heard of Mr. John P. Robinson, 27 --_aliquid sufflaminandus_, 28 --his poems attributed to a Mr. Lowell, 33 --is unskilled in Latin, _ib. _ --his poetry maligned by some, 34 --his disinterestedness, _ib. _ --his deep share in commonweal, _ib. _ --his claim to the presidency, _ib. _ --his mowing, _ib. _ --resents being called Whig, 35 --opposed to tariff, _ib. _ --obstinate, _ib. _ --infected with peculiar notions, _ib. _ --reports a speech, 40 --emulates historians of antiquity, _ib. _ --his character sketched from a hostile point of view, 52 --a request of his complied with, 64 --appointed at a public meeting in Jaalam, 77 --confesses ignorance, in one minute particular, of propriety, _ib. _ --his opinion of cocked hats, _ib. _ --letter to, _ib. _ --called "Dear Sir, " by a general, _ib. _ --probably receives same compliment from two hundred and nine, _ib. _ --picks his apples, 125 --his crop of Baldwins conjecturally large, _ib. _

 Billings, Dea. Cephas, 14. 

 Birch, virtue of, in instilling certain of the dead languages, 100. 

 Bird of our country sings hosanna, 16. 

 Blind, to go it, 98. 

 Blitz pulls ribbons from his mouth, 16. 

 Bluenose potatoes, smell of, eagerly desired, 17. 

 Bobtail obtains a cardinal's hat, 25. 

 Bolles, Mr. Secondary, author of prize peace essay, 15 --presents sword to Lieutenant Colonel, _ib. _ --a fluent orator, _ib. _ --found to be in error, 17. 

 Bonaparte, N. , a usurper, 83. 

 Boot-trees, productive, where, 100. 

 Boston, people of, supposed educated, 18, _note_. 

 Brahmins, navel-contemplating, 74. 

 Bread-trees, 100. 

 Brigadier-Generals in militia, devotion of, 38. 

 Brown, Mr. , engages in an unequal contest, 63. 

 Browne, Sir T. , a pious and wise sentiment of, cited and commended, 11. 

 Buckingham, Hon. J. T. , editor of the Boston Courier, letters to, 1, 12, 33, 57 --not afraid, 13. 

 Buffalo, a plan hatched there, 115 --plaster, a prophecy in regard to, _ib. _

 Buncombe, in the other world supposed, 41. 

 Bung, the eternal, thought to be loose, 7. 

 Bungtown Fencibles, dinner of, 26. 

 Butter in Irish bogs, 100. 

 C. , General, commended for parts, 29 --for ubiquity, _ib. _ --for consistency, _ib. _ --for fidelity, _ib. _ --is in favour of war, _ib. _ --his curious valuation of principle, _ib. _

 Cæsar, tribute to, 66 --his _veni, vidi, vici_, censured for undue prolixity, 85. 

 Cainites, sect of, supposed still extant, 10. 

 Caleb, a monopoly of his denied, 15 --curious notions of, as to meaning of "shelter, " 19 --his definition of Anglo-Saxon, 20 --charges Mexicans (not with bayonets, but) with improprieties, _ib. _

 Calhoun, Hon. J. C. , his cow-bell curfew, light of the nineteenth century to be extinguished at sound of, 55 --cannot let go apron-string of the Past, _ib. _ --his unsuccessful tilt at Spirit of the Age, 56 --the Sir Kay of modern chivalry, _ib. _ --his anchor made of a crooked pin, 57 --mentioned, 58-61. 

 Cambridge Platform, use discovered for, 24. 

 Canary Islands, 100. 

 Candidate, presidential, letter from, 74 --smells a rat, 78 --against a bank, 79 --takes a revolving position, _ib. _ --opinion of pledges, 80 --is a periwig, _ib. _ --fronts south by north, 81 --qualifications of, lessening, 85 --wooden leg (and head) useful to, 96. 

 Cape Cod clergymen, what, 24 --Sabbath-breakers, perhaps, reproved by, _ib. _

 Carpini, Father John de Plano, among the Tartars, 123. 

 Cartier, Jacques, commendable zeal of, 123. 

 Cass, General, 59 --clearness of his merit, 60 --limited popularity at "Bellers's, " 111. 

 Castles, Spanish, comfortable accommodations in, 102. 

 Cato, letters of, so called, suspended _naso adunco_, 76. 

 C. D. , friends of, can hear of him, 76. 

 Chalk egg, we are proud of incubation of, 75. 

 Chappelow on Job, a copy of, lost, 65. 

 Cherubusco, news of, its effects on English royalty, 50. 

 Chesterfield no letter-writer, 76. 

 Chief Magistrate, dancing esteemed sinful by, 24. 

 Children naturally speak Hebrew, 11. 

 China-tree, 100. 

 Chinese, whether they invented gunpowder before the Christian era, _not_ considered, 25. 

 Choate hired, 113. 

 Christ shuffled into Apocrypha, 25 --conjectured to disapprove of slaughter and pillage, 30 --condemns a certain piece of barbarism, 63. 

 Christianity, profession of, plebian, whether, 10. 

 Christian soldiers, perhaps inconsistent, whether, 38. 

 Cicero, an opinion of, disputed, 84. 

 Cilley, Ensign, author of nefarious sentiment, 26. 

 _Cimex lectularius_, 18. 

 Cincinnatus, a stock character in modern comedy, 106. 

 Civilization, progress of, an _alias_, 65 --rides upon a powder-cart, 79. 

 Clergymen, their ill husbandry, 64 --their place in processions, 105 --some, cruelly banished for the soundness of their lungs, 123. 

 Cocked-hat, advantages of being knocked into, 77. 

 College of Cardinals, a strange one, 25. 

 Colman, Dr. Benjamin, anecdote of, 38. 

 Coloured folks, curious national diversion of kicking, 19. 

 Colquitt, a remark of, 60 --acquainted with some principles of aerostation, _ib. _

 Columbia, District of, its peculiar climatic effects, 44 --not certain that Martin is for abolishing it, 115. 

 Columbus, a Paul Pry of genius, 74. 

 Columby, 109. 

 Complete Letter-Writer, fatal gift of, 82. 

 Compostella, St. James of, seen, 22. 

 Congress, singular consequence of getting into, 43. 

 Congressional debates, found instructive, 53. 

 Constituents, useful for what, 44. 

 Constitution trampled on, 58 --to stand upon, what, 78. 

 Convention, what, 44. 

 Convention, Springfield, 44. 

 Coon, old, pleasure in skinning, 59. 

 Coppers, _caste_ in picking up of, 94. 

 Copres, a monk, his excellent method of arguing, 54. 

 Cornwallis, a, 14 --acknowledged entertaining, _ib. _, _note_. 

 Cotton Mather, summoned as witness, 23. 

 Country lawyers, sent providentially, 31. 

 Country, our, its boundaries more exactly defined, 32 --right or wrong, nonsense about exposed, _ib. _

 Courier, The Boston, an unsafe print, 52. 

 Court, General, farmers sometimes attain seats in, 107. 

 Cowper, W. , his letters commended, 76. 

 Creed, a safe kind of, 97. 

 Crusade, first American, 23. 

 Cuneiform script recommended, 85. 

 Curiosity distinguishes man from brutes, 74. 

 Davis, Mr. , of Mississippi, a remark of his, 59. 

 Day and Martin, proverbially "on hand, " 2. 

 Death, rings down curtain, 72. 

 Delphi, oracle of, surpassed, 51, _note_ --alluded to, 83. 

 Destiny, her account, 49. 

 Devil, the, unskilled in certain Indian tongues, 23. 

 Dey of Tripoli, 55. 

 Diaz, Bernal, has a vision, 22 --his relationship to the Scarlet Woman, _ib. _

 Didymus, a somewhat voluminous grammarian, 83. 

 Dighton rock character might be usefully employed in some emergencies, 84. 

 Dimitry Bruisgins, fresh supply of, 73. 

 Diogenes, his zeal for propagating certain variety of olive, 100. 

 Dioscuri, imps of the pit, 23. 

 District-Attorney, contemptible conduct of one, 55. 

 Ditchwater on brain, a too common ailing, 54. 

 Doctor, the, a proverbial saying of, 22. 

 Doughface, yeast-proof, 69. 

 Drayton, a martyr, 55 --north star, culpable for aiding, whether, 62. 

 Earth, Dame, a peep at her housekeeping, 56. 

 Eating words, habit of, convenient in time of famine, 49. 

 Eavesdroppers, 74. 

 Editor, his position, 64 --commanding pulpit of, _ib. _ --large congregation of, _ib. _ --name derived from what, 66 --fondness for mutton, _ib. _ --a pious one, his creed, _ib. _ --a showman, 71 --in danger of sudden arrest, without bail, 72. 

 Editors, certain ones who crow like cockerels, 7. 

 Egyptian darkness, phial of, use for, 84. 

 Eldorado, Mr. Sawin sets sail for, 100. 

 Elizabeth, Queen, mistake of her ambassador, 41. 

 Empedocles, 74. 

 Employment, regular, a good thing, 93. 

 Epaulets, perhaps no badge of saint-ship, 30. 

 Episcopius, his marvellous oratory, 123. 

 Eric, king of Sweden, his cap, 101. 

 Evangelists, iron ones, 24. 

 Eyelids, a divine shield against authors, 54. 

 Ezekiel, text taken from, 64. 

 Factory-girls, expected rebellion of, 60. 

 Family-trees, fruit of jejune, 100. 

 Faneuil Hall, a place where persons tap themselves for a species of hydrocephalus, 54 --a bill of fare mendaciously advertised in, 100. 

 Father of country, his shoes, 108. 

 Female Papists, cut off in midst of idolatry, 104. 

 Fire, we all like to play with it, 56. 

 Fish, emblematic, but disregarded, where, 54. 

 Flam, President, untrustworthy, 45. 

 Fly-leaves, providential increase of, 54. 

 Foote, Mr. , his taste for field-sports, 58. 

 Fourier, a squinting toward, 52. 

 Fourth of Julys, boiling, 42. 

 France, a strange dance begun in, 61. 

 Fuller, Dr. Thomas, a wise saying of, 28. 

 Funnel, Old, hurraing in, 15. 

 Gawain, Sir, his amusements, 56. 

 Gay, S. H. , Esquire, editor of National Antislavery Standard, letter to, 74. 

 Getting up early, 4, 20. 

 Ghosts, some, presumed fidgety, (but see Stilling's Pneumatology, ) 75. 

 Giants formerly stupid, 56. 

 Gift of Tongues, distressing case of, 53. 

 Globe Theatre, cheap season-ticket to, 72. 

 Glory, a perquisite of officers, 94 --her account with B. Sawin, Esq. , 99. 

 Goatsnose, the celebrated interview, with, 84. 

 Gray's letters _are_ letters, 76. 

 Great horn spoon, sworn by, 58. 

 Greeks, ancient, whether they questioned candidates, 84. 

 Green Man, sign of, 35. 

 Ham, sandwich, an orthodox (but peculiar) one, 62. 

 Hamlets, machine for making, 87. 

 Hammon, 51, _note_, 83. 

 Hannegan, Mr. , something said by, 59. 

 Harrison, General, how preserved, 82. 

 Hat-trees, in full bearing, 100. 

 Hawkins, Sir John, stout, something he saw, 100. 

 Henry the Fourth, of England, a Parliament of, how named, 41. 

 Hercules, his second labour probably what, 124. 

 Herodotus, story from, 11. 

 Hesperides, an inference from, 100. 

 Holden, Mr. Shearjashub, Preceptor of Jaalam Academy, 83 --his knowledge of Greek limited, _ib. _ --a heresy of his, _ib. _ --leaves a fund to propagate it, 84. 

 Hollis, Ezra, goes to a Cornwallis, 14. 

 Hollow, why men providentially so constructed, 42. 

 Homer, a phrase of, cited, 65. 

 Horners, democratic ones, plums left for, 46. 

 Howell, James, Esq. Story told by, 41 --letters of, commended, 76. 

 Human rights out of order on the floor of Congress, 58. 

 Humbug, ascription of praise to, 70 --generally believed in, _ib. _

 Husbandry, instance of bad, 28. 

 Icarius, Penelope's father, 32. 

 Infants, prattlings of, curious observation concerning, 11. 

 Information wanted (universally, but especially at page), 76. 

 Jaalam Centre, Anglo-Saxons unjustly suspected by the young ladies there, 21 --"Independent Blunderbuss, " strange conduct of editor of, 64 --public meeting at, 77. 

 Jaalam Point, light-house on charge of prospectively offered to Mr. H. Biglow, 81 --meeting-house ornamented with imaginary clock, 102. 

 Jakes, Captain, 119 --reproved for avarice, _ib. _

 James the Fourth of Scots, experiment by, 11. 

 Jarnagin, Mr. , his opinion of the completeness of Northern education, 60. 

 Jerome, Saint, his list of sacred writers, 76. 

 Job, Book of, 10 --Chappelow on, 65. 

 Johnson, Mr. , communicates some intelligence, 61. 

 Jonah, the inevitable destiny of, 62 --probably studied internal economy of the cetacea, 75. 

 Jortin, Dr. , cited 39, 51, _note_. 

 Judea, everything not known there, 31. 

 Juvenal, a saying of, 50, _note_. 

 Kay, Sir, the, of modern chivalry, who, 56. 

 Key, brazen one, 55. 

 Keziah, Aunt, profound observation of, 3. 

 Kinderhook, 106. 

 Kingdom Come, march to, easy, 89. 

 Königsmark, Count, 10. 

 Lamb, Charles, his epistolary excellence, 76. 

 Latimer, Bishop, episcopizes Satan, 10. 

 Latin tongue, curious information concerning, 33. 

 Launcelot, Sir, a trusser of giants formerly, perhaps would find less sport therein now, 56. 

 Letters classed, 76 --their shape, _ib. _ --of candidates, 81 --often fatal, 82. 

 Lewis Philip, a scourger of young native Americans, 50 --commiserated (though not deserving it, ) 51, _note_. 

 Liberator, a newspaper, condemned by implication, 35. 

 Liberty unwholesome for men of certain complexions, 66. 

 Lignum vitæ, a gift of this valuable wood proposed, 22. 

 Longinus recommends swearing, 13, _note_ (Fuseli did same thing). 

 Long sweetening recommended, 90. 

 Lost arts, one sorrowfully added to list of, 124. 

 Louis the Eleventh of France, some odd trees of his, 100. 

 Lowell, Mr. J. R. , unaccountable silence of, 33. 

 Luther, Martin, his first appearance as Europa, 22. 

 Lyttelton, Lord, his letters, an imposition, 76. 

 Macrobii, their diplomacy, 84. 

 Mahomet, got nearer Sinai than some, 66. 

 Mahound, his filthy gobbets, 23. 

 Mangum, Mr. , speaks to the point, 58. 

 Manichæan, excellently confuted, 54. 

 Man-trees, grew where, 100. 

 Mares'-nests, finders of, benevolent, 75. 

 Marshfield, 106, 113. 

 Martin, Mr. Sawin used to vote for him, 115. 

 Mason and Dixon's line, slaves north of, 58. 

 Mass, the, its duty defined, 59. 

 Massachusetts, on her knees, 8 --something mentioned in connection with, worthy the attention of tailors, 44 --citizen of, baked, boiled, and roasted (_nefandum!_), 95. 

 Masses, the, used as butter by some, 46. 

 M. C. , an invertebrate animal, 49. 

 Mechanics' Fair, reflections suggested at, 87. 

 Mentor, letters of, dreary, 76. 

 Mephistopheles at a nonplus, 62. 

 Mexican blood, its effect in raising price of cloth, 103. 

 Mexican polka, 24. 

 Mexicans charged with various breaches of etiquette, 22 --kind feelings beaten into them, 70. 

 Mexico, no glory in overcoming, 45. 

 Military glory spoken disrespectfully of, 17, _note_ --militia treated still worse, _ib. _

 Milk-trees, growing still, 100. 

 Mills for manufacturing gabble, how driven, 53. 

 Milton, an unconscious plagiary, 43, _note_ --a Latin verse of, cited, 66. 

 Missions, a profitable kind of, 67. 

 Monarch, a pagan, probably not favoured in philosophical experiments, 12. 

 Money-trees desirable, 100 --that they once existed shown to be variously probable, _ib. _

 Montaigne, a communicative old Gascon, 75. 

 Monterey, battle of, its singular chromatic effect on a species of two-headed eagle, 50. 

 Moses held up vainly as an example, 65 --construed by Joe Smith, _ib. _

 Myths, how to interpret readily, 84. 

 Naboths, Popish ones, how distinguished, 25. 

 Nation, rights of, proportionate to size, 20. 

 National pudding, its effect on the organs of speech, a curious physiological fact, 25. 

 Nephelim, not yet extinct, 124. 

 New England overpoweringly honoured, 48 --wants no more speakers, _ib. _ --done brown by whom, _ib. _ --her experience in beans beyond Cicero's, 84. 

 Newspaper, the, wonderful, 70 --a strolling theatre, 71 --thoughts suggested by tearing wrapper of, 72 --a vacant sheet, _ib. _ --a sheet in which a vision was let down, 73 --wrapper to a bar of soap, _ib. _ --a cheap impromptu platter, _ib. _

 New York, Letters from, commended, 76. 

 Next life, what, 72. 

 Niggers, 5 --area of abusing extended, 46 --Mr. Sawin's opinions of, 117. 

 Ninepence a day low for murder, 14. 

 No, a monosyllable, 25 --hard to utter, _ib. _

 Noah, inclosed letter in bottle, probably, 75. 

 Nornas, Lapland, what, 101. 

 North, has no business, 58 --bristling, crowded off roost, 81. 

 North Bend, geese inhumanly treated at, 82 --mentioned, 113. 

 North Star, a proposition to indict, 62. 

 Off ox, 70. 

 Officers, miraculous transformation in character of, 21 --Anglo-Saxon, come very near being anathematized, 22. 

 O'Phace, Increase D. , Esq. , speech of, 40. 

 Oracle of Fools, still respectfully consulted, 41. 

 Orion, becomes commonplace, 73. 

 Orrery, Lord, his letters (lord!), 76. 

 Ostracism, curious species of, 41. 

 Palestine, 23. 

 Palfrey, Hon. J. G. , 41, 50 (a worthy representative of Massachusetts. )

 Pantagruel recommends a popular oracle, 41. 

 Panurge, his interview with Goatsnose, 84. 

 Papists, female, slain by zealous Protestant bomb-shell, 104. 

 Paralipomenon, a man suspected of being, 82. 

 Paris, liberal principles safe as far away as, 66. 

 _Parliamentum Indoctorum_ sitting in permanence, 44. 

 Past, the, a good nurse, 55. 

 Patience, sister, quoted, 16. 

 Paynims, their throats propagandistically cut, 23. 

 Penelope, her wise choice, 32. 

 People, soft enough, 68 --want correct ideas, 97. 

 Pepin, King, 76. 

 Periwig, 80. 

 Persius, a pithy saying of, 46, _note_. 

 Pescara, Marquis, saying of, 10. 

 Peter, Saint, a letter of (_post-mortem_), 76. 

 Pharisees, opprobriously referred to, 66. 

 Philippe, Louis, in pea-jacket, 71. 

 Phlegyas quoted, 63. 

 Phrygian language, whether Adam spoke it, 11. 

 Pilgrims, the, 45. 

 Pillows, constitutional, 49. 

 Pinto, Mr. , some letters of his commended, 76. 

 Pisgah, an impromptu one, 100. 

 Platform, party, a convenient one, 97. 

 Plato, supped with, 75 --his man, 82. 

 Pleiades, the, not enough esteemed, 73. 

 Pliny, his letters not admired, 76. 

 Plotinus, a story of, 55. 

 Plymouth Rock, Old, a Convention wrecked on, 45. 

 Point Tribulation, Mr. Sawin wrecked on, 100. 

 Poles, exile, whether crop of beans depends on, 19, _note_. 

 Polk, President, synonymous with our country, 30 --censured, 44 --in danger of being crushed, 46. 

 Polka, Mexican, 24. 

 Pomp, a runaway slave, his nest, 117 --hypocritically groans like white man, 118 --blind to Christian privileges, 119 --his society valued at fifty dollars, _ib. _ --his treachery, 120 --takes Mr. Sawin prisoner, 121 --cruelly makes him work, _ib. _ --puts himself illegally under his tuition, 122 --dismisses him with contumelious epithets, _ib. _

 Pontifical bull, a tamed one, 22. 

 Pope, his verse excellent, 11. 

 Pork, refractory in boiling, 22. 

 Portugal, Alphonso the Sixth of, a monster, 123. 

 Post, Boston, 33 --shaken visibly, 34 --bad guide-post, _ib. _ --too swift, _ib. _ --edited by a colonel, _ib. _ --who is presumed officially in Mexico, _ib. _ --referred to, 59. 

 Pot-hooks, death in, 59. 

 Preacher, an ornamental symbol, 65 --a breeder of dogmas, _ib. _ --earnestness of, important, 123. 

 Present, considered as an annalist, 65 --not long wonderful, 73. 

 President, slaveholding natural to, 66 --must be a Southern resident, 98 --must own a nigger, _ib. _

 Principle, exposure spoils it, 43. 

 Principles, bad, when less harmful, 27. 

 Prophecy, a notable one, 51, _note_. 

 Proviso, bitterly spoken of, 79. 

 Prudence, sister, her idiosyncratic teapot, 92. 

 Psammeticus, an experiment of, 11. 

 Public opinion a blind and drunken guide, 25 --nudges Mr. Wilbur's elbow, 26 --ticklers of, 45. 

 Pythagoras a bean-hater, why, 84. 

 Pythagoreans, fish reverenced by, why, 54. 

 Quixote, Don, 57. 

 Rag, one of sacred college, 25. 

 Rantoul, Mr. , talks loudly, 16 --pious reason for not enlisting, _ib. _

 Recruiting sergeant, Devil supposed the first, 10. 

 Representatives' Chamber, 54. 

 Rhinothism, society for promoting, 74. 

 Rhyme, whether natural _not_ considered, 11. 

 Rib, an infrangible one, 90. 

 Richard the First of England, his Christian fervour, 23. 

 Riches conjectured to have legs as well as wings, 62. 

 Robinson, Mr. John P. , his opinions fully stated, 27-31. 

 Rocks, pocket full of, 91. 

 Rough and Ready, 111 --a wig, 112 --a kind of scratch, _ib. _

 Russian eagle turns Prussian blue, 50. 

 Sabbath, breach of, 27. 

 Sabellianism, one accused of, 82. 

 Saltillo, unfavourable view of, 17. 

 Salt-river in, Mexican, what, 17. 

 Samuel, Uncle, riotous, 50 --yet has qualities demanding reverence, 66 --a good provider for his family, 68 --an exorbitant bill of, 103. 

 Sansculottes, draw their wine before drinking, 61. 

 Santa Anna, his expensive leg, 96. 

 Satan, never wants attorneys, 22 --an expert talker by signs, _ib. _ --a successful fisherman with little or no bait, 23 --cunning fetch of, 27 --dislikes ridicule, 34 --ought not to have credit of ancient oracles, 51, _note_. 

 Satirist, incident to certain dangers, 28. 

 Savages, Canadian, chance of redemption offered to, 123. 

 Sawin, B. , Esquire, his letter not written in verse, 11 --a native of Jaalam, 12 --not regular attendant on Rev. Mr. Wilbur's preaching, _ib. _ --a fool, _ib. _ --his statements trustworthy, _ib. _ --his ornithological tastes, _ib. _ --letter from, 13, 86, 106 --his curious discovery in regard to bayonets, 15 --displays proper family pride, _ib. _ --modestly confesses himself less wise than the Queen of Sheba, 19 --the old Adam in, peeps out, 21 --a _miles emeritus_, 86 --is made text for a sermon, _ib. _ --loses a leg, 88 --an eye, 89 --left hand, _ib. _ --four fingers of right hand, _ib. _ --has six or more ribs broken, _ib. _ --a rib of his infrangible, 90 --allows a certain amount of preterite greenness in himself, 90, 91 --his share of spoil limited, _ib. _ --his opinion of Mexican climate, 92 --acquires property of a certain sort, 93 --his experience of glory, 93, 94 --stands sentry, and puns thereupon, 95 --undergoes martyrdom in some of its most painful forms, _ib. _ --enters the candidating business, 96 --modestly states the (avail) abilities which qualify him for high political station, 96, 99 --has no principles, 96 --a peaceman, _ib. _ --unpledged, 97 --has no objections to owning _peculiar_ property, but would not like to monopolize the truth, 98 --his account with glory, 99 --a selfish motive hinted in, 100 --sails for Eldorado, _ib. _ --shipwrecked on a metaphorical promontory, _ib. _ --parallel between, and Rev. Mr. Wilbur (not Plutarchian), 102 --conjectured to have bathed in river Selemnus, 106 --loves plough wisely, but not too well, _ib. _ --a foreign mission probably expected by, 107 --unanimously nominated for presidency, 108 --his country's father-in-law, 109 --nobly emulates Cincinnatus, 110 --is not a crooked stick, _ib. _ --advises his adherents, _ib. _ --views of, on present state of politics, 110-117 --popular enthusiasm for, at Bellers's, and its disagreeable consequences, 111 --inhuman treatment of, by Bellers, 112 --his opinion of the two parties, 113 --agrees with Mr. Webster, _ib. _ --his antislavery zeal, 115 --his proper self-respect, _ib. _ --his unaffected piety, _ib. _ --his not intemperate temperance, 117 --a thrilling adventure of, 117-122 --his prudence and economy, 117 --bound to Captain Jakes, but regains his freedom, 119 --is taken prisoner, 121-122 --ignominiously treated, 121-122 --his consequent resolution, 122. 

 Sayres, a martyr, 55. 

 Scaliger, saying of, 28. 

 _Scarabæus pilularius_, 18. 

 Scott, General, his claims to the presidency, 34, 37. 

 Scythians, their diplomacy commended, 84. 

 Seamen, coloured, sold, 8. 

 Selemnus, a sort of Lethean river, 106. 

 Senate, debate in, made readable, 55. 

 Seneca, saying of, 27 --another, 51 --overrated by a saint (but see Lord Bolingbroke's opinion of, in a letter to Dean Swift), 76 --his letters not commended, _ib. _ --a son of Rev. Mr. Wilbur, 102. 

 Serbonian bog of literature, 54. 

 Sextons, demand for, 61 --heroic official devotion of one, 120. 

 Shaking fever, considered as an employer, 93. 

 Shakspeare, a good reporter, 40. 

 Sham, President, honest, 45. 

 Sheba, Queen of, 19. 

 Sheep, none of Rev. Mr. Wilbur's turned wolves, 12. 

 Shem, Scriptural curse of, 122. 

 Show, natural to love it, 17, _note_. 

 Silver spoon born in Democracy's mouth what, 43. 

 Sinai suffers outrages, 66. 

 Sin, wilderness of, modern, what, 66. 

 Skin, hole in, strange taste of some for, 94. 

 Slaughter, whether God strengthen us for, 24. 

 Slaughterers and soldiers compared, 104. 

 Slaughtering nowadays _is_ slaughtering, 104. 

 Slavery, of no colour, 6 --cornerstone of liberty, 52 --also keystone, 58 --last crumb of Eden, 61 --a Jonah, 62 --an institution, 80 --a private State concern, 118. 

 Smith, Joe, used as a translation, 65. 

 Smith, John, an interesting character, 74. 

 Smith, Mr. , fears entertained for, 63 --dined with, 75. 

 Smith, N. B. , his magnanimity, 75. 

 Soandso, Mr. , the great, defines his position, 75. 

 Sol, the fisherman, 18 --soundness of respiratory organs hypothetically attributed to, _ib. _

 Solon, a saying of, 25. 

 South Carolina, futile attempt to anchor, 57. 

 Spanish, to walk, what, 20. 

 Speech-making, an abuse of gift of speech, 53. 

 Star, north, subject to indictment, whether, 62. 

 Store, cheap cash, a wicked fraud, 102. 

 Strong, Governor Caleb, a patriot, 32. 

 Swearing, commended as a figure of speech, 13, _note_. 

 Swift, Dean, threadbare saying of, 34. 

 Tag, elevated to the Cardinalate, 25. 

 Taxes, direct, advantages of, 103. 

 Taylor zeal, its origin, 111 --General, greased by Mr. Choate, 113. 

 Thanks, get lodged, 93. 

 Thirty-nine articles might be made serviceable, 24. 

 Thor, a foolish attempt of, 57. 

 Thumb, General Thomas, a valuable member of society, 49. 

 Thunder, supposed in easy circumstances, 90. 

 Thynne, Mr. , murdered, 10. 

 Time, an innocent personage to swear by, 13, _note_ --a scene-shifter, 72. 

 Toms, Peeping, 74. 

 Trees, various kinds of extraordinary ones, 100. 

 Trowbridge, William, mariner, adventure of, 24. 

 Truth and falsehood start from same point, 27 --truth invulnerable to satire, _ib. _ --compared to a river, 40 --of fiction sometimes truer than fact, _ib. _ --told plainly, _passim_. 

 Tuileries, exciting scene at, 51. 

 Tully, a saying of, 43, _note_. 

 Tweedledee, gospel according to, 66. 

 Tweedledum, great principles of, 66. 

 Ulysses, husband of Penelope, 32 --borrows money, 101. (For full particulars of, see Homer and Dante. )

 University, triennial catalogue of, 36. 

 Van Buren fails of gaining Mr. Sawin's confidence, 116 --his son John reproved, _ib. _

 Van, Old, plan to set up, 115. 

 Venetians, invented something once, 101. 

 Vices, cardinal, sacred conclave of, 24. 

 Victoria, Queen, her natural terror, 50. 

 Vratz, Captain, a Pomeranian, singular views of, 10. 

 Walpole, Horace, classed, 75 --his letters praised, 76. 

 Waltham Plain, Cornwallis at, 14. 

 Walton, punctilious in his intercourse with fishes, 25. 

 War, abstract, horrid, 79 --its hoppers, grist of, what, 94. 

 Warton, Thomas, a story of, 38. 

 Washington, charge brought against, 109. 

 Washington, city of, climatic influence of, on coats, 44 --mentioned, 55 --grand jury of, 62. 

 Washingtons, two hatched at a time by improved machine, 109. 

 Wate, Taunton, proverbially weak, 117. 

 Water-trees, 100. 

 Webster, some sentiments of, commended by Mr. Sawin, 113. 

 Westcott, Mr. , his horror, 61. 

 Whig party, has a large throat, 35 --but query as to swallowing spurs, 114. 

 White-house, 81. 

 Wife-trees, 100. 

 Wilbur, Rev. Homer, A. M. , consulted, 2 --his instructions to his flock, 12 --a proposition of his for Protestant bombshells, 24 --his elbow nudged, 26 --his notions of satire, 27 --some opinions of his quoted with apparent approval by Mr. Biglow, 31 --geographical speculations of, 32 --a justice of the peace, _ib. _ --a letter of, 33 --a Latin pun of, _ib. _ --runs against a post without injury, 34 --does not seek notoriety (whatever some malignants may affirm), 36 --fits youths for college, _ib. _ --a chaplain during late war with England, 38 --a shrewd observation of, 40 --some curious speculations of, 52, 54 --his martello-tower, 53 --forgets he is not in pulpit, 62, 86 --extracts from sermon of, 64, 70 --interested in John Smith, 74 --his views concerning present state of letters, 74, 77 --a stratagem of, 82 --ventures two hundred and fourth interpretation of Beast in Apocalypse, 83 --christens Hon. B. Sawin, then an infant, 86 --an addition to our _sylva_ proposed by, 100 --curious and instructive adventure of, 101, 102 --his account with an unnatural uncle, 103 --his uncomfortable imagination, 104 --speculations concerning Cincinnatus, 106 --confesses digressive tendency of mind, 123 --goes to work on sermon (not without fear that his readers will dub him with a reproachful epithet like that with which Isaac Allerton, a Mayflower man, revenges himself on a delinquent debtor of his, calling him in his will, and thus holding him up to posterity, as "John Peterson, THE BORE"), 125. 

 Wilbur, Mrs. , an invariable rule of, 37 --her profile, _ib. _

 Wildbore, a vernacular one, how to escape, 54. 

 Wind, the, a good Samaritan, 86. 

 Wooden leg, remarkable for sobriety, 88 --never eats pudding, 90. 

 Wright, Colonel, providentially rescued, 18. 

 Wrong, abstract, safe to oppose, 46. 

 Zack, Old, 110. 

THE END.