"SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER"

by Oliver Goldsmith

She Stoops To Conquer; Or, The Mistakes Of A Night. 

A Comedy. 

To Samuel Johnson, LL. D. 

Dear Sir, --By inscribing this slight performance to you, I do not meanso much to compliment you as myself. It may do me some honour toinform the public, that I have lived many years in intimacy with you. It may serve the interests of mankind also to inform them, that thegreatest wit may be found in a character, without impairing the mostunaffected piety. 

I have, particularly, reason to thank you for your partiality to thisperformance. The undertaking a comedy not merely sentimental was verydangerous; and Mr. Colman, who saw this piece in its various stages, always thought it so. However, I ventured to trust it to the public;and, though it was necessarily delayed till late in the season, I haveevery reason to be grateful. 

I am, dear Sir, your most sincere friend and admirer, OLIVER GOLDSMITH. 

PROLOGUE, By David Garrick, Esq. 

Enter MR. WOODWARD, dressed in black, and holding a handkerchiefto his eyes. 

 Excuse me, sirs, I pray--I can't yet speak-- I'm crying now--and have been all the week. "'Tis not alone this mourning suit, " good masters: "I've that within"--for which there are no plasters! Pray, would you know the reason why I'm crying? The Comic Muse, long sick, is now a-dying! And if she goes, my tears will never stop; For as a player, I can't squeeze out one drop: I am undone, that's all--shall lose my bread-- I'd rather, but that's nothing--lose my head. When the sweet maid is laid upon the bier, Shuter and I shall be chief mourners here. To her a mawkish drab of spurious breed, Who deals in sentimentals, will succeed! Poor Ned and I are dead to all intents; We can as soon speak Greek as sentiments! Both nervous grown, to keep our spirits up. We now and then take down a hearty cup. What shall we do? If Comedy forsake us, They'll turn us out, and no one else will take us. But why can't I be moral?--Let me try-- My heart thus pressing--fixed my face and eye-- With a sententious look, that nothing means, (Faces are blocks in sentimental scenes) Thus I begin: "All is not gold that glitters, "Pleasure seems sweet, but proves a glass of bitters. "When Ignorance enters, Folly is at hand: "Learning is better far than house and land. "Let not your virtue trip; who trips may stumble, "And virtue is not virtue, if she tumble. "

 I give it up--morals won't do for me; To make you laugh, I must play tragedy. One hope remains--hearing the maid was ill, A Doctor comes this night to show his skill. To cheer her heart, and give your muscles motion, He, in Five Draughts prepar'd, presents a potion: A kind of magic charm--for be assur'd, If you will swallow it, the maid is cur'd: But desperate the Doctor, and her case is, If you reject the dose, and make wry faces! This truth he boasts, will boast it while he lives, No poisonous drugs are mixed in what he gives. Should he succeed, you'll give him his degree; If not, within he will receive no fee! The College YOU, must his pretensions back, Pronounce him Regular, or dub him Quack. 

DRAMATIS PERSONAE. 

 MEN. 

 SIR CHARLES MARLOW Mr. Gardner. YOUNG MARLOW (His Son) Mr. Lee Lewes. HARDCASTLE Mr. Shuter. HASTINGS Mr. Dubellamy. TONY LUMPKIN Mr. Quick. DIGGORY Mr. Saunders. 

 WOMEN. 

 MRS. HARDCASTLE Mrs. Green. MISS HARDCASTLE Mrs. Bulkley. MISS NEVILLE Mrs. Kniveton. MAID Miss Williams. 

 LANDLORD, SERVANTS, Etc. Etc. 

ACT THE FIRST. 

SCENE--A Chamber in an old-fashioned House. 

Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE and MR. HARDCASTLE. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. I vow, Mr. Hardcastle, you're very particular. Isthere a creature in the whole country but ourselves, that does not takea trip to town now and then, to rub off the rust a little? There's thetwo Miss Hoggs, and our neighbour Mrs. Grigsby, go to take a month'spolishing every winter. 

HARDCASTLE. Ay, and bring back vanity and affectation to last them thewhole year. I wonder why London cannot keep its own fools at home! Inmy time, the follies of the town crept slowly among us, but now theytravel faster than a stage-coach. Its fopperies come down not only asinside passengers, but in the very basket. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Ay, your times were fine times indeed; you have beentelling us of them for many a long year. Here we live in an oldrumbling mansion, that looks for all the world like an inn, but that wenever see company. Our best visitors are old Mrs. Oddfish, thecurate's wife, and little Cripplegate, the lame dancing-master; and allour entertainment your old stories of Prince Eugene and the Duke ofMarlborough. I hate such old-fashioned trumpery. 

HARDCASTLE. And I love it. I love everything that's old: oldfriends, old times, old manners, old books, old wine; and I believe, Dorothy (taking her hand), you'll own I have been pretty fond of an oldwife. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Lord, Mr. Hardcastle, you're for ever at yourDorothys and your old wifes. You may be a Darby, but I'll be no Joan, I promise you. I'm not so old as you'd make me, by more than one goodyear. Add twenty to twenty, and make money of that. 

HARDCASTLE. Let me see; twenty added to twenty makes just fifty andseven. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. It's false, Mr. Hardcastle; I was but twenty when Iwas brought to bed of Tony, that I had by Mr. Lumpkin, my firsthusband; and he's not come to years of discretion yet. 

HARDCASTLE. Nor ever will, I dare answer for him. Ay, you havetaught him finely. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. No matter. Tony Lumpkin has a good fortune. My sonis not to live by his learning. I don't think a boy wants muchlearning to spend fifteen hundred a year. 

HARDCASTLE. Learning, quotha! a mere composition of tricks andmischief. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Humour, my dear; nothing but humour. Come, Mr. Hardcastle, you must allow the boy a little humour. 

HARDCASTLE. I'd sooner allow him a horse-pond. If burning thefootmen's shoes, frightening the maids, and worrying the kittens behumour, he has it. It was but yesterday he fastened my wig to the backof my chair, and when I went to make a bow, I popt my bald head in Mrs. Frizzle's face. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. And am I to blame? The poor boy was always toosickly to do any good. A school would be his death. When he comes tobe a little stronger, who knows what a year or two's Latin may do forhim?

HARDCASTLE. Latin for him! A cat and fiddle. No, no; the alehouseand the stable are the only schools he'll ever go to. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Well, we must not snub the poor boy now, for Ibelieve we shan't have him long among us. Anybody that looks in hisface may see he's consumptive. 

HARDCASTLE. Ay, if growing too fat be one of the symptoms. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. He coughs sometimes. 

HARDCASTLE. Yes, when his liquor goes the wrong way. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. I'm actually afraid of his lungs. 

HARDCASTLE. And truly so am I; for he sometimes whoops like aspeaking trumpet--(Tony hallooing behind the scenes)--O, there hegoes--a very consumptive figure, truly. 

Enter TONY, crossing the stage. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Tony, where are you going, my charmer? Won't yougive papa and I a little of your company, lovee?

TONY. I'm in haste, mother; I cannot stay. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. You shan't venture out this raw evening, my dear; youlook most shockingly. 

TONY. I can't stay, I tell you. The Three Pigeons expects me downevery moment. There's some fun going forward. 

HARDCASTLE. Ay; the alehouse, the old place: I thought so. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. A low, paltry set of fellows. 

TONY. Not so low, neither. There's Dick Muggins the exciseman, JackSlang the horse doctor, Little Aminadab that grinds the music box, andTom Twist that spins the pewter platter. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Pray, my dear, disappoint them for one night atleast. 

TONY. As for disappointing them, I should not so much mind; but Ican't abide to disappoint myself. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. (detaining him. ) You shan't go. 

TONY. I will, I tell you. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. I say you shan't. 

TONY. We'll see which is strongest, you or I. [Exit, hauling herout. ]

HARDCASTLE. (solus. ) Ay, there goes a pair that only spoil eachother. But is not the whole age in a combination to drive sense anddiscretion out of doors? There's my pretty darling Kate! the fashionsof the times have almost infected her too. By living a year or two intown, she is as fond of gauze and French frippery as the best of them. 

Enter MISS HARDCASTLE. 

HARDCASTLE. Blessings on my pretty innocence! drest out as usual, myKate. Goodness! What a quantity of superfluous silk hast thou gotabout thee, girl! I could never teach the fools of this age, that theindigent world could be clothed out of the trimmings of the vain. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. You know our agreement, sir. You allow me themorning to receive and pay visits, and to dress in my own manner; andin the evening I put on my housewife's dress to please you. 

HARDCASTLE. Well, remember, I insist on the terms of our agreement;and, by the bye, I believe I shall have occasion to try your obediencethis very evening. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. I protest, sir, I don't comprehend your meaning. 

HARDCASTLE. Then to be plain with you, Kate, I expect the younggentleman I have chosen to be your husband from town this very day. Ihave his father's letter, in which he informs me his son is set out, and that he intends to follow himself shortly after. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. Indeed! I wish I had known something of thisbefore. Bless me, how shall I behave? It's a thousand to one Ishan't like him; our meeting will be so formal, and so like a thing ofbusiness, that I shall find no room for friendship or esteem. 

HARDCASTLE. Depend upon it, child, I'll never control your choice; butMr. Marlow, whom I have pitched upon, is the son of my old friend, SirCharles Marlow, of whom you have heard me talk so often. The younggentleman has been bred a scholar, and is designed for an employment inthe service of his country. I am told he's a man of an excellentunderstanding. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. Is he?

HARDCASTLE. Very generous. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. I believe I shall like him. 

HARDCASTLE. Young and brave. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. I'm sure I shall like him. 

HARDCASTLE. And very handsome. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. My dear papa, say no more, (kissing his hand), he'smine; I'll have him. 

HARDCASTLE. And, to crown all, Kate, he's one of the most bashful andreserved young fellows in all the world. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. Eh! you have frozen me to death again. That wordRESERVED has undone all the rest of his accomplishments. A reservedlover, it is said, always makes a suspicious husband. 

HARDCASTLE. On the contrary, modesty seldom resides in a breast thatis not enriched with nobler virtues. It was the very feature in hischaracter that first struck me. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. He must have more striking features to catch me, Ipromise you. However, if he be so young, so handsome, and soeverything as you mention, I believe he'll do still. I think I'll havehim. 

HARDCASTLE. Ay, Kate, but there is still an obstacle. It's more thanan even wager he may not have you. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. My dear papa, why will you mortify one so?--Well, ifhe refuses, instead of breaking my heart at his indifference, I'll onlybreak my glass for its flattery, set my cap to some newer fashion, andlook out for some less difficult admirer. 

HARDCASTLE. Bravely resolved! In the mean time I'll go prepare theservants for his reception: as we seldom see company, they want as muchtraining as a company of recruits the first day's muster. [Exit. ]

MISS HARDCASTLE. (Alone). Lud, this news of papa's puts me all in aflutter. Young, handsome: these he put last; but I put them foremost. Sensible, good-natured; I like all that. But then reserved andsheepish; that's much against him. Yet can't he be cured of histimidity, by being taught to be proud of his wife? Yes, and can'tI--But I vow I'm disposing of the husband before I have secured thelover. 

Enter MISS NEVILLE. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. I'm glad you're come, Neville, my dear. Tell me, Constance, how do I look this evening? Is there anything whimsicalabout me? Is it one of my well-looking days, child? Am I in faceto-day?

MISS NEVILLE. Perfectly, my dear. Yet now I look again--blessme!--sure no accident has happened among the canary birds or the goldfishes. Has your brother or the cat been meddling? or has the lastnovel been too moving?

MISS HARDCASTLE. No; nothing of all this. I have been threatened--Ican scarce get it out--I have been threatened with a lover. 

MISS NEVILLE. And his name--

MISS HARDCASTLE. Is Marlow. 

MISS NEVILLE. Indeed!

MISS HARDCASTLE. The son of Sir Charles Marlow. 

MISS NEVILLE. As I live, the most intimate friend of Mr. Hastings, myadmirer. They are never asunder. I believe you must have seen himwhen we lived in town. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. Never. 

MISS NEVILLE. He's a very singular character, I assure you. Amongwomen of reputation and virtue he is the modestest man alive; but hisacquaintance give him a very different character among creatures ofanother stamp: you understand me. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. An odd character indeed. I shall never be able tomanage him. What shall I do? Pshaw, think no more of him, but trustto occurrences for success. But how goes on your own affair, my dear?has my mother been courting you for my brother Tony as usual?

MISS NEVILLE. I have just come from one of our agreeabletete-a-tetes. She has been saying a hundred tender things, and settingoff her pretty monster as the very pink of perfection. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. And her partiality is such, that she actually thinkshim so. A fortune like yours is no small temptation. Besides, as shehas the sole management of it, I'm not surprised to see her unwillingto let it go out of the family. 

MISS NEVILLE. A fortune like mine, which chiefly consists in jewels, is no such mighty temptation. But at any rate, if my dear Hastings bebut constant, I make no doubt to be too hard for her at last. However, I let her suppose that I am in love with her son; and she never oncedreams that my affections are fixed upon another. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. My good brother holds out stoutly. I could almostlove him for hating you so. 

MISS NEVILLE. It is a good-natured creature at bottom, and I'm surewould wish to see me married to anybody but himself. But my aunt'sbell rings for our afternoon's walk round the improvements. Allons!Courage is necessary, as our affairs are critical. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. "Would it were bed-time, and all were well. "[Exeunt. ]

SCENE--An Alehouse Room. Several shabby Fellows with punch andtobacco. TONY at the head of the table, a little higher than therest, a mallet in his hand. 

OMNES. Hurrea! hurrea! hurrea! bravo!

FIRST FELLOW Now, gentlemen, silence for a song. The 'squire isgoing to knock himself down for a song. 

OMNES. Ay, a song, a song!

TONY. Then I'll sing you, gentlemen, a song I made upon thisalehouse, the Three Pigeons. 

SONG. 

 Let schoolmasters puzzle their brain With grammar, and nonsense, and learning, Good liquor, I stoutly maintain, Gives GENUS a better discerning. Let them brag of their heathenish gods, Their Lethes, their Styxes, and Stygians, Their Quis, and their Quaes, and their Quods, They're all but a parcel of Pigeons. Toroddle, toroddle, toroll. 

 When methodist preachers come down, A-preaching that drinking is sinful, I'll wager the rascals a crown, They always preach best with a skinful. But when you come down with your pence, For a slice of their scurvy religion, I'll leave it to all men of sense, But you, my good friend, are the Pigeon. Toroddle, toroddle, toroll. 

 Then come, put the jorum about, And let us be merry and clever, Our hearts and our liquors are stout, Here's the Three Jolly Pigeons for ever. Let some cry up woodcock or hare, Your bustards, your ducks, and your widgeons; But of all the GAY birds in the air, Here's a health to the Three Jolly Pigeons. Toroddle, toroddle, toroll. 

OMNES. Bravo, bravo!

FIRST FELLOW. The 'squire has got spunk in him. 

SECOND FELLOW. I loves to hear him sing, bekeays he never gives usnothing that's low. 

THIRD FELLOW. O damn anything that's low, I cannot bear it. 

FOURTH FELLOW. The genteel thing is the genteel thing any time: if sobe that a gentleman bees in a concatenation accordingly. 

THIRD FELLOW. I likes the maxum of it, Master Muggins. What, though Iam obligated to dance a bear, a man may be a gentleman for all that. May this be my poison, if my bear ever dances but to the verygenteelest of tunes; "Water Parted, " or "The minuet in Ariadne. "

SECOND FELLOW. What a pity it is the 'squire is not come to his own. It would be well for all the publicans within ten miles round of him. 

TONY. Ecod, and so it would, Master Slang. I'd then show what it wasto keep choice of company. 

SECOND FELLOW. O he takes after his own father for that. To be sureold 'Squire Lumpkin was the finest gentleman I ever set my eyes on. For winding the straight horn, or beating a thicket for a hare, or awench, he never had his fellow. It was a saying in the place, that hekept the best horses, dogs, and girls, in the whole county. 

TONY. Ecod, and when I'm of age, I'll be no bastard, I promise you. Ihave been thinking of Bet Bouncer and the miller's grey mare to beginwith. But come, my boys, drink about and be merry, for you pay noreckoning. Well, Stingo, what's the matter?

Enter Landlord. 

LANDLORD. There be two gentlemen in a post-chaise at the door. Theyhave lost their way upo' the forest; and they are talking somethingabout Mr. Hardcastle. 

TONY. As sure as can be, one of them must be the gentleman that'scoming down to court my sister. Do they seem to be Londoners?

LANDLORD. I believe they may. They look woundily like Frenchmen. 

TONY. Then desire them to step this way, and I'll set them right in atwinkling. (Exit Landlord. ) Gentlemen, as they mayn't be good enoughcompany for you, step down for a moment, and I'll be with you in thesqueezing of a lemon. [Exeunt mob. ]

TONY. (solus). Father-in-law has been calling me whelp and hound thishalf year. Now, if I pleased, I could be so revenged upon the oldgrumbletonian. But then I'm afraid--afraid of what? I shall soon beworth fifteen hundred a year, and let him frighten me out of THAT if hecan. 

Enter Landlord, conducting MARLOW and HASTINGS. 

MARLOW. What a tedious uncomfortable day have we had of it! We weretold it was but forty miles across the country, and we have come abovethreescore. 

HASTINGS. And all, Marlow, from that unaccountable reserve of yours, that would not let us inquire more frequently on the way. 

MARLOW. I own, Hastings, I am unwilling to lay myself under anobligation to every one I meet, and often stand the chance of anunmannerly answer. 

HASTINGS. At present, however, we are not likely to receive anyanswer. 

TONY. No offence, gentlemen. But I'm told you have been inquiring forone Mr. Hardcastle in these parts. Do you know what part of thecountry you are in?

HASTINGS. Not in the least, sir, but should thank you forinformation. 

TONY. Nor the way you came?

HASTINGS. No, sir: but if you can inform us----

TONY. Why, gentlemen, if you know neither the road you are going, norwhere you are, nor the road you came, the first thing I have to informyou is, that--you have lost your way. 

MARLOW. We wanted no ghost to tell us that. 

TONY. Pray, gentlemen, may I be so bold so as to ask the place fromwhence you came?

MARLOW. That's not necessary towards directing us where we are to go. 

TONY. No offence; but question for question is all fair, you know. Pray, gentlemen, is not this same Hardcastle a cross-grained, old-fashioned, whimsical fellow, with an ugly face, a daughter, and apretty son?

HASTINGS. We have not seen the gentleman; but he has the family youmention. 

TONY. The daughter, a tall, trapesing, trolloping, talkative maypole;the son, a pretty, well-bred, agreeable youth, that everybody is fondof. 

MARLOW. Our information differs in this. The daughter is said to bewell-bred and beautiful; the son an awkward booby, reared up andspoiled at his mother's apron-string. 

TONY. He-he-hem!--Then, gentlemen, all I have to tell you is, that youwon't reach Mr. Hardcastle's house this night, I believe. 

HASTINGS. Unfortunate!

TONY. It's a damn'd long, dark, boggy, dirty, dangerous way. Stingo, tell the gentlemen the way to Mr. Hardcastle's! (Winking upon theLandlord. ) Mr. Hardcastle's, of Quagmire Marsh, you understand me. 

LANDLORD. Master Hardcastle's! Lock-a-daisy, my masters, you're comea deadly deal wrong! When you came to the bottom of the hill, youshould have crossed down Squash Lane. 

MARLOW. Cross down Squash Lane!

LANDLORD. Then you were to keep straight forward, till you came tofour roads. 

MARLOW. Come to where four roads meet?

TONY. Ay; but you must be sure to take only one of them. 

MARLOW. O, sir, you're facetious. 

TONY. Then keeping to the right, you are to go sideways till you comeupon Crackskull Common: there you must look sharp for the track of thewheel, and go forward till you come to farmer Murrain's barn. Comingto the farmer's barn, you are to turn to the right, and then to theleft, and then to the right about again, till you find out the oldmill--

MARLOW. Zounds, man! we could as soon find out the longitude!

HASTINGS. What's to be done, Marlow?

MARLOW. This house promises but a poor reception; though perhaps thelandlord can accommodate us. 

LANDLORD. Alack, master, we have but one spare bed in the wholehouse. 

TONY. And to my knowledge, that's taken up by three lodgers already. (After a pause, in which the rest seem disconcerted. ) I have hit it. Don't you think, Stingo, our landlady could accommodate the gentlemenby the fire-side, with----three chairs and a bolster?

HASTINGS. I hate sleeping by the fire-side. 

MARLOW. And I detest your three chairs and a bolster. 

TONY. You do, do you? then, let me see--what if you go on a milefurther, to the Buck's Head; the old Buck's Head on the hill, one ofthe best inns in the whole county?

HASTINGS. O ho! so we have escaped an adventure for this night, however. 

LANDLORD. (apart to TONY). Sure, you ben't sending them to yourfather's as an inn, be you?

TONY. Mum, you fool you. Let THEM find that out. (To them. ) Youhave only to keep on straight forward, till you come to a large oldhouse by the road side. You'll see a pair of large horns over thedoor. That's the sign. Drive up the yard, and call stoutly about you. 

HASTINGS. Sir, we are obliged to you. The servants can't miss theway?

TONY. No, no: but I tell you, though, the landlord is rich, and goingto leave off business; so he wants to be thought a gentleman, savingyour presence, he! he! he! He'll be for giving you his company; and, ecod, if you mind him, he'll persuade you that his mother was analderman, and his aunt a justice of peace. 

LANDLORD. A troublesome old blade, to be sure; but a keeps as goodwines and beds as any in the whole country. 

MARLOW. Well, if he supplies us with these, we shall want no fartherconnexion. We are to turn to the right, did you say?

TONY. No, no; straight forward. I'll just step myself, and show you apiece of the way. (To the Landlord. ) Mum!

LANDLORD. Ah, bless your heart, for a sweet, pleasant--damn'dmischievous son of a whore. [Exeunt. ]

ACT THE SECOND. 

SCENE--An old-fashioned House. 

Enter HARDCASTLE, followed by three or four awkward Servants. 

HARDCASTLE. Well, I hope you are perfect in the table exercise I havebeen teaching you these three days. You all know your posts and yourplaces, and can show that you have been used to good company, withoutever stirring from home. 

OMNES. Ay, ay. 

HARDCASTLE. When company comes you are not to pop out and stare, andthen run in again, like frightened rabbits in a warren. 

OMNES. No, no. 

HARDCASTLE. You, Diggory, whom I have taken from the barn, are to makea show at the side-table; and you, Roger, whom I have advanced from theplough, are to place yourself behind my chair. But you're not to standso, with your hands in your pockets. Take your hands from yourpockets, Roger; and from your head, you blockhead you. See how Diggorycarries his hands. They're a little too stiff, indeed, but that's nogreat matter. 

DIGGORY. Ay, mind how I hold them. I learned to hold my hands thisway when I was upon drill for the militia. And so being upon drill----

HARDCASTLE. You must not be so talkative, Diggory. You must be allattention to the guests. You must hear us talk, and not think oftalking; you must see us drink, and not think of drinking; you must seeus eat, and not think of eating. 

DIGGORY. By the laws, your worship, that's parfectly unpossible. Whenever Diggory sees yeating going forward, ecod, he's always wishingfor a mouthful himself. 

HARDCASTLE. Blockhead! Is not a belly-full in the kitchen as good asa belly-full in the parlour? Stay your stomach with that reflection. 

DIGGORY. Ecod, I thank your worship, I'll make a shift to stay mystomach with a slice of cold beef in the pantry. 

HARDCASTLE. Diggory, you are too talkative. --Then, if I happen to saya good thing, or tell a good story at table, you must not all burst outa-laughing, as if you made part of the company. 

DIGGORY. Then ecod your worship must not tell the story of OuldGrouse in the gun-room: I can't help laughing at that--he! he!he!--for the soul of me. We have laughed at that these twentyyears--ha! ha! ha!

HARDCASTLE. Ha! ha! ha! The story is a good one. Well, honestDiggory, you may laugh at that--but still remember to be attentive. Suppose one of the company should call for a glass of wine, how willyou behave? A glass of wine, sir, if you please (to DIGGORY). --Eh, whydon't you move?

DIGGORY. Ecod, your worship, I never have courage till I see theeatables and drinkables brought upo' the table, and then I'm as bauldas a lion. 

HARDCASTLE. What, will nobody move?

FIRST SERVANT. I'm not to leave this pleace. 

SECOND SERVANT. I'm sure it's no pleace of mine. 

THIRD SERVANT. Nor mine, for sartain. 

DIGGORY. Wauns, and I'm sure it canna be mine. 

HARDCASTLE. You numskulls! and so while, like your betters, you arequarrelling for places, the guests must be starved. O you dunces! Ifind I must begin all over again----But don't I hear a coach drive intothe yard? To your posts, you blockheads. I'll go in the mean time andgive my old friend's son a hearty reception at the gate. [ExitHARDCASTLE. ]

DIGGORY. By the elevens, my pleace is gone quite out of my head. 

ROGER. I know that my pleace is to be everywhere. 

FIRST SERVANT. Where the devil is mine?

SECOND SERVANT. My pleace is to be nowhere at all; and so I'ze goabout my business. [Exeunt Servants, running about as if frightened, different ways. ]

Enter Servant with candles, showing in MARLOW and HASTINGS. 

SERVANT. Welcome, gentlemen, very welcome! This way. 

HASTINGS. After the disappointments of the day, welcome once more, Charles, to the comforts of a clean room and a good fire. Upon myword, a very well-looking house; antique but creditable. 

MARLOW. The usual fate of a large mansion. Having first ruined themaster by good housekeeping, it at last comes to levy contributions asan inn. 

HASTINGS. As you say, we passengers are to be taxed to pay all thesefineries. I have often seen a good sideboard, or a marblechimney-piece, though not actually put in the bill, inflame areckoning confoundedly. 

MARLOW. Travellers, George, must pay in all places: the onlydifference is, that in good inns you pay dearly for luxuries; in badinns you are fleeced and starved. 

HASTINGS. You have lived very much among them. In truth, I have beenoften surprised, that you who have seen so much of the world, with yournatural good sense, and your many opportunities, could never yetacquire a requisite share of assurance. 

MARLOW. The Englishman's malady. But tell me, George, where could Ihave learned that assurance you talk of? My life has been chieflyspent in a college or an inn, in seclusion from that lovely part of thecreation that chiefly teach men confidence. I don't know that I wasever familiarly acquainted with a single modest woman--except mymother--But among females of another class, you know----

HASTINGS. Ay, among them you are impudent enough of all conscience. 

MARLOW. They are of US, you know. 

HASTINGS. But in the company of women of reputation I never saw suchan idiot, such a trembler; you look for all the world as if you wantedan opportunity of stealing out of the room. 

MARLOW. Why, man, that's because I do want to steal out of the room. Faith, I have often formed a resolution to break the ice, and rattleaway at any rate. But I don't know how, a single glance from a pair offine eyes has totally overset my resolution. An impudent fellow maycounterfeit modesty; but I'll be hanged if a modest man can evercounterfeit impudence. 

HASTINGS. If you could but say half the fine things to them that Ihave heard you lavish upon the bar-maid of an inn, or even a collegebed-maker----

MARLOW. Why, George, I can't say fine things to them; they freeze, they petrify me. They may talk of a comet, or a burning mountain, orsome such bagatelle; but, to me, a modest woman, drest out in all herfinery, is the most tremendous object of the whole creation. 

HASTINGS. Ha! ha! ha! At this rate, man, how can you ever expect tomarry?

MARLOW. Never; unless, as among kings and princes, my bride were to becourted by proxy. If, indeed, like an Eastern bridegroom, one were tobe introduced to a wife he never saw before, it might be endured. Butto go through all the terrors of a formal courtship, together with theepisode of aunts, grandmothers, and cousins, and at last to blurt outthe broad staring question of, Madam, will you marry me? No, no, that's a strain much above me, I assure you. 

HASTINGS. I pity you. But how do you intend behaving to the lady youare come down to visit at the request of your father?

MARLOW. As I behave to all other ladies. Bow very low, answer yes orno to all her demands--But for the rest, I don't think I shall ventureto look in her face till I see my father's again. 

HASTINGS. I'm surprised that one who is so warm a friend can be socool a lover. 

MARLOW. To be explicit, my dear Hastings, my chief inducement down wasto be instrumental in forwarding your happiness, not my own. MissNeville loves you, the family don't know you; as my friend you are sureof a reception, and let honour do the rest. 

HASTINGS. My dear Marlow! But I'll suppress the emotion. Were I awretch, meanly seeking to carry off a fortune, you should be the lastman in the world I would apply to for assistance. But Miss Neville'sperson is all I ask, and that is mine, both from her deceased father'sconsent, and her own inclination. 

MARLOW. Happy man! You have talents and art to captivate any woman. I'm doom'd to adore the sex, and yet to converse with the only part ofit I despise. This stammer in my address, and this awkwardprepossessing visage of mine, can never permit me to soar above thereach of a milliner's 'prentice, or one of the duchesses of Drury-lane. Pshaw! this fellow here to interrupt us. 

Enter HARDCASTLE. 

HARDCASTLE. Gentlemen, once more you are heartily welcome. Which isMr. Marlow? Sir, you are heartily welcome. It's not my way, you see, to receive my friends with my back to the fire. I like give them ahearty reception in the old style at my gate. I like to see theirhorses and trunks taken care of. 

MARLOW. (Aside. ) He has got our names from the servants already. (Tohim. ) We approve your caution and hospitality, sir. (To HASTINGS. ) Ihave been thinking, George, of changing our travelling dresses in themorning. I am grown confoundedly ashamed of mine. 

HARDCASTLE. I beg, Mr. Marlow, you'll use no ceremony in this house. 

HASTINGS. I fancy, Charles, you're right: the first blow is half thebattle. I intend opening the campaign with the white and gold. 

HARDCASTLE. Mr. Marlow--Mr. Hastings--gentlemen--pray be under noconstraint in this house. This is Liberty-hall, gentlemen. You may dojust as you please here. 

MARLOW. Yet, George, if we open the campaign too fiercely at first, wemay want ammunition before it is over. I think to reserve theembroidery to secure a retreat. 

HARDCASTLE. Your talking of a retreat, Mr. Marlow, puts me in mind ofthe Duke of Marlborough, when we went to besiege Denain. He firstsummoned the garrison----

MARLOW. Don't you think the ventre d'or waistcoat will do with theplain brown?

HARDCASTLE. He first summoned the garrison, which might consist ofabout five thousand men----

HASTINGS. I think not: brown and yellow mix but very poorly. 

HARDCASTLE. I say, gentlemen, as I was telling you, be summoned thegarrison, which might consist of about five thousand men----

MARLOW. The girls like finery. 

HARDCASTLE. Which might consist of about five thousand men, wellappointed with stores, ammunition, and other implements of war. Now, says the Duke of Marlborough to George Brooks, that stood next tohim--you must have heard of George Brooks--I'll pawn my dukedom, sayshe, but I take that garrison without spilling a drop of blood. So----

MARLOW. What, my good friend, if you gave us a glass of punch in themean time; it would help us to carry on the siege with vigour. 

HARDCASTLE. Punch, sir! (Aside. ) This is the most unaccountable kindof modesty I ever met with. 

MARLOW. Yes, sir, punch. A glass of warm punch, after our journey, will be comfortable. This is Liberty-hall, you know. 

HARDCASTLE. Here's a cup, sir. 

MARLOW. (Aside. ) So this fellow, in his Liberty-hall, will only letus have just what he pleases. 

HARDCASTLE. (Taking the cup. ) I hope you'll find it to your mind. Ihave prepared it with my own hands, and I believe you'll own theingredients are tolerable. Will you be so good as to pledge me, sir?Here, Mr. Marlow, here is to our better acquaintance. [Drinks. ]

MARLOW. (Aside. ) A very impudent fellow this! but he's a character, and I'll humour him a little. Sir, my service to you. [Drinks. ]

HASTINGS. (Aside. ) I see this fellow wants to give us his company, and forgets that he's an innkeeper, before he has learned to be agentleman. 

MARLOW. From the excellence of your cup, my old friend, I suppose youhave a good deal of business in this part of the country. Warm work, now and then, at elections, I suppose. 

HARDCASTLE. No, sir, I have long given that work over. Since ourbetters have hit upon the expedient of electing each other, there is nobusiness "for us that sell ale. "

HASTINGS. So, then, you have no turn for politics, I find. 

HARDCASTLE. Not in the least. There was a time, indeed, I frettedmyself about the mistakes of government, like other people; but findingmyself every day grow more angry, and the government growing no better, I left it to mend itself. Since that, I no more trouble my head aboutHyder Ally, or Ally Cawn, than about Ally Croker. Sir, my service toyou. 

HASTINGS. So that with eating above stairs, and drinking below, withreceiving your friends within, and amusing them without, you lead agood pleasant bustling life of it. 

HARDCASTLE. I do stir about a great deal, that's certain. Half thedifferences of the parish are adjusted in this very parlour. 

MARLOW. (After drinking. ) And you have an argument in your cup, oldgentleman, better than any in Westminster-hall. 

HARDCASTLE. Ay, young gentleman, that, and a little philosophy. 

MARLOW. (Aside. ) Well, this is the first time I ever heard of aninnkeeper's philosophy. 

HASTINGS. So then, like an experienced general, you attack them onevery quarter. If you find their reason manageable, you attack it withyour philosophy; if you find they have no reason, you attack them withthis. Here's your health, my philosopher. [Drinks. ]

HARDCASTLE. Good, very good, thank you; ha! ha! Your generalship putsme in mind of Prince Eugene, when he fought the Turks at the battle ofBelgrade. You shall hear. 

MARLOW. Instead of the battle of Belgrade, I believe it's almost timeto talk about supper. What has your philosophy got in the house forsupper?

HARDCASTLE. For supper, sir! (Aside. ) Was ever such a request to aman in his own house?

MARLOW. Yes, sir, supper, sir; I begin to feel an appetite. I shallmake devilish work to-night in the larder, I promise you. 

HARDCASTLE. (Aside. ) Such a brazen dog sure never my eyes beheld. (To him. ) Why, really, sir, as for supper I can't well tell. MyDorothy and the cook-maid settle these things between them. I leavethese kind of things entirely to them. 

MARLOW. You do, do you?

HARDCASTLE. Entirely. By the bye, I believe they are in actualconsultation upon what's for supper this moment in the kitchen. 

MARLOW. Then I beg they'll admit me as one of their privy council. It's a way I have got. When I travel, I always chose to regulate myown supper. Let the cook be called. No offence I hope, sir. 

HARDCASTLE. O no, sir, none in the least; yet I don't know how; ourBridget, the cook-maid, is not very communicative upon theseoccasions. Should we send for her, she might scold us all out of thehouse. 

HASTINGS. Let's see your list of the larder then. I ask it as afavour. I always match my appetite to my bill of fare. 

MARLOW. (To HARDCASTLE, who looks at them with surprise. ) Sir, he'svery right, and it's my way too. 

HARDCASTLE. Sir, you have a right to command here. Here, Roger, bring us the bill of fare for to-night's supper: I believe it's drawnout--Your manner, Mr. Hastings, puts me in mind of my uncle, ColonelWallop. It was a saying of his, that no man was sure of his suppertill he had eaten it. 

HASTINGS. (Aside. ) All upon the high rope! His uncle a colonel! weshall soon hear of his mother being a justice of the peace. But let'shear the bill of fare. 

MARLOW. (Perusing. ) What's here? For the first course; for thesecond course; for the dessert. The devil, sir, do you think we havebrought down a whole Joiners' Company, or the corporation of Bedford, to eat up such a supper? Two or three little things, clean andcomfortable, will do. 

HASTINGS. But let's hear it. 

MARLOW. (Reading. ) For the first course, at the top, a pig and prunesauce. 

HASTINGS. Damn your pig, I say. 

MARLOW. And damn your prune sauce, say I. 

HARDCASTLE. And yet, gentlemen, to men that are hungry, pig withprune sauce is very good eating. 

MARLOW. At the bottom, a calf's tongue and brains. 

HASTINGS. Let your brains be knocked out, my good sir, I don't likethem. 

MARLOW. Or you may clap them on a plate by themselves. I do. 

HARDCASTLE. (Aside. ) Their impudence confounds me. (To them. )Gentlemen, you are my guests, make what alterations you please. Isthere anything else you wish to retrench or alter, gentlemen?

MARLOW. Item, a pork pie, a boiled rabbit and sausages, a Florentine, a shaking pudding, and a dish of tiff--taff--taffety cream. 

HASTINGS. Confound your made dishes; I shall be as much at a loss inthis house as at a green and yellow dinner at the French ambassador'stable. I'm for plain eating. 

HARDCASTLE. I'm sorry, gentlemen, that I have nothing you like, but ifthere be anything you have a particular fancy to----

MARLOW. Why, really, sir, your bill of fare is so exquisite, that anyone part of it is full as good as another. Send us what you please. So much for supper. And now to see that our beds are aired, andproperly taken care of. 

HARDCASTLE. I entreat you'll leave that to me. You shall not stir astep. 

MARLOW. Leave that to you! I protest, sir, you must excuse me, Ialways look to these things myself. 

HARDCASTLE. I must insist, sir, you'll make yourself easy on thathead. 

MARLOW. You see I'm resolved on it. (Aside. ) A very troublesomefellow this, as I ever met with. 

HARDCASTLE. Well, sir, I'm resolved at least to attend you. (Aside. )This may be modern modesty, but I never saw anything look so likeold-fashioned impudence. [Exeunt MARLOW and HARDCASTLE. ]

HASTINGS. (Alone. ) So I find this fellow's civilities begin to growtroublesome. But who can be angry at those assiduities which are meantto please him? Ha! what do I see? Miss Neville, by all that's happy!

Enter MISS NEVILLE. 

MISS NEVILLE. My dear Hastings! To what unexpected good fortune, towhat accident, am I to ascribe this happy meeting?

HASTINGS. Rather let me ask the same question, as I could never havehoped to meet my dearest Constance at an inn. 

MISS NEVILLE. An inn! sure you mistake: my aunt, my guardian, liveshere. What could induce you to think this house an inn?

HASTINGS. My friend, Mr. Marlow, with whom I came down, and I, havebeen sent here as to an inn, I assure you. A young fellow, whom weaccidentally met at a house hard by, directed us hither. 

MISS NEVILLE. Certainly it must be one of my hopeful cousin's tricks, of whom you have heard me talk so often; ha! ha! ha!

HASTINGS. He whom your aunt intends for you? he of whom I have suchjust apprehensions?

MISS NEVILLE. You have nothing to fear from him, I assure you. You'dadore him, if you knew how heartily he despises me. My aunt knows ittoo, and has undertaken to court me for him, and actually begins tothink she has made a conquest. 

HASTINGS. Thou dear dissembler! You must know, my Constance, I havejust seized this happy opportunity of my friend's visit here to getadmittance into the family. The horses that carried us down are nowfatigued with their journey, but they'll soon be refreshed; and then, if my dearest girl will trust in her faithful Hastings, we shall soonbe landed in France, where even among slaves the laws of marriage arerespected. 

MISS NEVILLE. I have often told you, that though ready to obey you, Iyet should leave my little fortune behind with reluctance. Thegreatest part of it was left me by my uncle, the India director, andchiefly consists in jewels. I have been for some time persuading myaunt to let me wear them. I fancy I'm very near succeeding. Theinstant they are put into my possession, you shall find me ready tomake them and myself yours. 

HASTINGS. Perish the baubles! Your person is all I desire. In themean time, my friend Marlow must not be let into his mistake. I knowthe strange reserve of his temper is such, that if abruptly informed ofit, he would instantly quit the house before our plan was ripe forexecution. 

MISS NEVILLE. But how shall we keep him in the deception? MissHardcastle is just returned from walking; what if we still continue todeceive him?----This, this way----[They confer. ]

Enter MARLOW. 

MARLOW. The assiduities of these good people teaze me beyond bearing. My host seems to think it ill manners to leave me alone, and so heclaps not only himself, but his old-fashioned wife, on my back. Theytalk of coming to sup with us too; and then, I suppose, we are to runthe gantlet through all the rest of the family. --What have we got here?

HASTINGS. My dear Charles! Let me congratulate you!--The mostfortunate accident!--Who do you think is just alighted?

MARLOW. Cannot guess. 

HASTINGS. Our mistresses, boy, Miss Hardcastle and Miss Neville. Give me leave to introduce Miss Constance Neville to youracquaintance. Happening to dine in the neighbourhood, they called ontheir return to take fresh horses here. Miss Hardcastle has just steptinto the next room, and will be back in an instant. Wasn't it lucky?eh!

MARLOW. (Aside. ) I have been mortified enough of all conscience, andhere comes something to complete my embarrassment. 

HASTINGS. Well, but wasn't it the most fortunate thing in the world?

MARLOW. Oh! yes. Very fortunate--a most joyful encounter--But ourdresses, George, you know are in disorder--What if we should postponethe happiness till to-morrow?--To-morrow at her own house--It will beevery bit as convenient--and rather more respectful--To-morrow let itbe. [Offering to go. ]

MISS NEVILLE. By no means, sir. Your ceremony will displease her. The disorder of your dress will show the ardour of your impatience. Besides, she knows you are in the house, and will permit you to seeher. 

MARLOW. O! the devil! how shall I support it? Hem! hem! Hastings, you must not go. You are to assist me, you know. I shall beconfoundedly ridiculous. Yet, hang it! I'll take courage. Hem!

HASTINGS. Pshaw, man! it's but the first plunge, and all's over. She's but a woman, you know. 

MARLOW. And, of all women, she that I dread most to encounter. 

Enter MISS HARDCASTLE, as returned from walking, a bonnet, etc. 

HASTINGS. (Introducing them. ) Miss Hardcastle, Mr. Marlow. I'mproud of bringing two persons of such merit together, that only want toknow, to esteem each other. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. (Aside. ) Now for meeting my modest gentleman with ademure face, and quite in his own manner. (After a pause, in which heappears very uneasy and disconcerted. ) I'm glad of your safe arrival, sir. I'm told you had some accidents by the way. 

MARLOW. Only a few, madam. Yes, we had some. Yes, madam, a good manyaccidents, but should be sorry--madam--or rather glad of anyaccidents--that are so agreeably concluded. Hem!

HASTINGS. (To him. ) You never spoke better in your whole life. Keepit up, and I'll insure you the victory. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. I'm afraid you flatter, sir. You that have seen somuch of the finest company, can find little entertainment in an obscurecorner of the country. 

MARLOW. (Gathering courage. ) I have lived, indeed, in the world, madam; but I have kept very little company. I have been but anobserver upon life, madam, while others were enjoying it. 

MISS NEVILLE. But that, I am told, is the way to enjoy it at last. 

HASTINGS. (To him. ) Cicero never spoke better. Once more, and youare confirmed in assurance for ever. 

MARLOW. (To him. ) Hem! Stand by me, then, and when I'm down, throwin a word or two, to set me up again. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. An observer, like you, upon life were, I fear, disagreeably employed, since you must have had much more to censurethan to approve. 

MARLOW. Pardon me, madam. I was always willing to be amused. Thefolly of most people is rather an object of mirth than uneasiness. 

HASTINGS. (To him. ) Bravo, bravo. Never spoke so well in your wholelife. Well, Miss Hardcastle, I see that you and Mr. Marlow are goingto be very good company. I believe our being here will but embarrassthe interview. 

MARLOW. Not in the least, Mr. Hastings. We like your company of allthings. (To him. ) Zounds! George, sure you won't go? how can youleave us?

HASTINGS. Our presence will but spoil conversation, so we'll retire tothe next room. (To him. ) You don't consider, man, that we are tomanage a little tete-a-tete of our own. [Exeunt. ]

MISS HARDCASTLE. (after a pause). But you have not been wholly anobserver, I presume, sir: the ladies, I should hope, have employed somepart of your addresses. 

MARLOW. (Relapsing into timidity. ) Pardon me, madam, I--I--I--as yethave studied--only--to--deserve them. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. And that, some say, is the very worst way to obtainthem. 

MARLOW. Perhaps so, madam. But I love to converse only with the moregrave and sensible part of the sex. But I'm afraid I grow tiresome. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. Not at all, sir; there is nothing I like so much asgrave conversation myself; I could hear it for ever. Indeed, I haveoften been surprised how a man of sentiment could ever admire thoselight airy pleasures, where nothing reaches the heart. 

MARLOW. It's----a disease----of the mind, madam. In the variety oftastes there must be some who, wanting a relish----for----um--a--um. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. I understand you, sir. There must be some, who, wanting a relish for refined pleasures, pretend to despise what theyare incapable of tasting. 

MARLOW. My meaning, madam, but infinitely better expressed. And Ican't help observing----a----

MISS HARDCASTLE. (Aside. ) Who could ever suppose this fellowimpudent upon some occasions? (To him. ) You were going to observe, sir----

MARLOW. I was observing, madam--I protest, madam, I forget what I wasgoing to observe. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. (Aside. ) I vow and so do I. (To him. ) You wereobserving, sir, that in this age of hypocrisy--something abouthypocrisy, sir. 

MARLOW. Yes, madam. In this age of hypocrisy there are few who uponstrict inquiry do not--a--a--a--

MISS HARDCASTLE. I understand you perfectly, sir. 

MARLOW. (Aside. ) Egad! and that's more than I do myself. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. You mean that in this hypocritical age there are fewthat do not condemn in public what they practise in private, and thinkthey pay every debt to virtue when they praise it. 

MARLOW. True, madam; those who have most virtue in their mouths, haveleast of it in their bosoms. But I'm sure I tire you, madam. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. Not in the least, sir; there's something soagreeable and spirited in your manner, such life and force--pray, sir, go on. 

MARLOW. Yes, madam. I was saying----that there are some occasions, when a total want of courage, madam, destroys all the----and putsus----upon a--a--a--

MISS HARDCASTLE. I agree with you entirely; a want of courage uponsome occasions assumes the appearance of ignorance, and betrays us whenwe most want to excel. I beg you'll proceed. 

MARLOW. Yes, madam. Morally speaking, madam--But I see Miss Nevilleexpecting us in the next room. I would not intrude for the world. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. I protest, sir, I never was more agreeablyentertained in all my life. Pray go on. 

MARLOW. Yes, madam, I was----But she beckons us to join her. Madam, shall I do myself the honour to attend you?

MISS HARDCASTLE. Well, then, I'll follow. 

MARLOW. (Aside. ) This pretty smooth dialogue has done for me. [Exit. ]

MISS HARDCASTLE. (Alone. ) Ha! ha! ha! Was there ever such a sober, sentimental interview? I'm certain he scarce looked in my face thewhole time. Yet the fellow, but for his unaccountable bashfulness, ispretty well too. He has good sense, but then so buried in his fears, that it fatigues one more than ignorance. If I could teach him alittle confidence, it would be doing somebody that I know of a piece ofservice. But who is that somebody?--That, faith, is a question I canscarce answer. [Exit. ]

Enter TONY and MISS NEVILLE, followed by MRS. HARDCASTLE and HASTINGS. 

TONY. What do you follow me for, cousin Con? I wonder you're notashamed to be so very engaging. 

MISS NEVILLE. I hope, cousin, one may speak to one's own relations, and not be to blame. 

TONY. Ay, but I know what sort of a relation you want to make me, though; but it won't do. I tell you, cousin Con, it won't do; so I begyou'll keep your distance, I want no nearer relationship. [Shefollows, coquetting him to the back scene. ]

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Well! I vow, Mr. Hastings, you are veryentertaining. There's nothing in the world I love to talk of so muchas London, and the fashions, though I was never there myself. 

HASTINGS. Never there! You amaze me! From your air and manner, Iconcluded you had been bred all your life either at Ranelagh, St. James's, or Tower Wharf. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. O! sir, you're only pleased to say so. We countrypersons can have no manner at all. I'm in love with the town, and thatserves to raise me above some of our neighbouring rustics; but who canhave a manner, that has never seen the Pantheon, the Grotto Gardens, the Borough, and such places where the nobility chiefly resort? All Ican do is to enjoy London at second-hand. I take care to know everytete-a-tete from the Scandalous Magazine, and have all the fashions, asthey come out, in a letter from the two Miss Rickets of Crooked Lane. Pray how do you like this head, Mr. Hastings?

HASTINGS. Extremely elegant and degagee, upon my word, madam. Yourfriseur is a Frenchman, I suppose?

MRS. HARDCASTLE. I protest, I dressed it myself from a print in theLadies' Memorandum-book for the last year. 

HASTINGS. Indeed! Such a head in a side-box at the play-house woulddraw as many gazers as my Lady Mayoress at a City Ball. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. I vow, since inoculation began, there is no suchthing to be seen as a plain woman; so one must dress a littleparticular, or one may escape in the crowd. 

HASTINGS. But that can never be your case, madam, in any dress. (Bowing. )

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Yet, what signifies my dressing when I have such apiece of antiquity by my side as Mr. Hardcastle: all I can say willnever argue down a single button from his clothes. I have often wantedhim to throw off his great flaxen wig, and where he was bald, toplaster it over, like my Lord Pately, with powder. 

HASTINGS. You are right, madam; for, as among the ladies there arenone ugly, so among the men there are none old. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. But what do you think his answer was? Why, with hisusual Gothic vivacity, he said I only wanted him to throw off his wig, to convert it into a tete for my own wearing. 

HASTINGS. Intolerable! At your age you may wear what you please, andit must become you. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Pray, Mr. Hastings, what do you take to be the mostfashionable age about town?

HASTINGS. Some time ago, forty was all the mode; but I'm told theladies intend to bring up fifty for the ensuing winter. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Seriously. Then I shall be too young for thefashion. 

HASTINGS. No lady begins now to put on jewels till she's past forty. For instance, Miss there, in a polite circle, would be considered as achild, as a mere maker of samplers. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. And yet Mrs. Niece thinks herself as much a woman, and is as fond of jewels, as the oldest of us all. 

HASTINGS. Your niece, is she? And that young gentleman, a brother ofyours, I should presume?

MRS. HARDCASTLE. My son, sir. They are contracted to each other. Observe their little sports. They fall in and out ten times a day, asif they were man and wife already. (To them. ) Well, Tony, child, whatsoft things are you saying to your cousin Constance this evening?

TONY. I have been saying no soft things; but that it's very hard to befollowed about so. Ecod! I've not a place in the house now that's leftto myself, but the stable. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Never mind him, Con, my dear. He's in another storybehind your back. 

MISS NEVILLE. There's something generous in my cousin's manner. Hefalls out before faces to be forgiven in private. 

TONY. That's a damned confounded--crack. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Ah! he's a sly one. Don't you think they are likeeach other about the mouth, Mr. Hastings? The Blenkinsop mouth to a T. They're of a size too. Back to back, my pretties, that Mr. Hastingsmay see you. Come, Tony. 

TONY. You had as good not make me, I tell you. (Measuring. )

MISS NEVILLE. O lud! he has almost cracked my head. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. O, the monster! For shame, Tony. You a man, andbehave so!

TONY. If I'm a man, let me have my fortin. Ecod! I'll not be made afool of no longer. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Is this, ungrateful boy, all that I'm to get for thepains I have taken in your education? I that have rocked you in yourcradle, and fed that pretty mouth with a spoon! Did not I work thatwaistcoat to make you genteel? Did not I prescribe for you every day, and weep while the receipt was operating?

TONY. Ecod! you had reason to weep, for you have been dosing me eversince I was born. I have gone through every receipt in the CompleteHuswife ten times over; and you have thoughts of coursing me throughQuincy next spring. But, ecod! I tell you, I'll not be made a fool ofno longer. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Wasn't it all for your good, viper? Wasn't it allfor your good?

TONY. I wish you'd let me and my good alone, then. Snubbing this waywhen I'm in spirits. If I'm to have any good, let it come of itself;not to keep dinging it, dinging it into one so. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. That's false; I never see you when you're inspirits. No, Tony, you then go to the alehouse or kennel. I'm neverto be delighted with your agreeable wild notes, unfeeling monster!

TONY. Ecod! mamma, your own notes are the wildest of the two. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Was ever the like? But I see he wants to break myheart, I see he does. 

HASTINGS. Dear madam, permit me to lecture the young gentleman alittle. I'm certain I can persuade him to his duty. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Well, I must retire. Come, Constance, my love. Yousee, Mr. Hastings, the wretchedness of my situation: was ever poorwoman so plagued with a dear sweet, pretty, provoking, undutiful boy?[Exeunt MRS. HARDCASTLE and MISS NEVILLE. ]

TONY. (Singing. ) "There was a young man riding by, and fain wouldhave his will. Rang do didlo dee. "----Don't mind her. Let her cry. It's the comfort of her heart. I have seen her and sister cry over abook for an hour together; and they said they liked the book the betterthe more it made them cry. 

HASTINGS. Then you're no friend to the ladies, I find, my prettyyoung gentleman?

TONY. That's as I find 'um. 

HASTINGS. Not to her of your mother's choosing, I dare answer? Andyet she appears to me a pretty well-tempered girl. 

TONY. That's because you don't know her as well as I. Ecod! I knowevery inch about her; and there's not a more bitter cantankerous toadin all Christendom. 

HASTINGS. (Aside. ) Pretty encouragement this for a lover!

TONY. I have seen her since the height of that. She has as manytricks as a hare in a thicket, or a colt the first day's breaking. 

HASTINGS. To me she appears sensible and silent. 

TONY. Ay, before company. But when she's with her playmate, she's asloud as a hog in a gate. 

HASTINGS. But there is a meek modesty about her that charms me. 

TONY. Yes, but curb her never so little, she kicks up, and you'reflung in a ditch. 

HASTINGS. Well, but you must allow her a little beauty. --Yes, you mustallow her some beauty. 

TONY. Bandbox! She's all a made-up thing, mun. Ah! could you but seeBet Bouncer of these parts, you might then talk of beauty. Ecod, shehas two eyes as black as sloes, and cheeks as broad and red as a pulpitcushion. She'd make two of she. 

HASTINGS. Well, what say you to a friend that would take this bitterbargain off your hands?

TONY. Anon. 

HASTINGS. Would you thank him that would take Miss Neville, and leaveyou to happiness and your dear Betsy?

TONY. Ay; but where is there such a friend, for who would take her?

HASTINGS. I am he. If you but assist me, I'll engage to whip her offto France, and you shall never hear more of her. 

TONY. Assist you! Ecod I will, to the last drop of my blood. I'llclap a pair of horses to your chaise that shall trundle you off in atwinkling, and may he get you a part of her fortin beside, in jewels, that you little dream of. 

HASTINGS. My dear 'squire, this looks like a lad of spirit. 

TONY. Come along, then, and you shall see more of my spirit before youhave done with me. 

(Singing. )"We are the boysThat fears no noiseWhere the thundering cannons roar. " [Exeunt. ]

ACT THE THIRD. 

Enter HARDCASTLE, alone. 

HARDCASTLE. What could my old friend Sir Charles mean by recommendinghis son as the modestest young man in town? To me he appears the mostimpudent piece of brass that ever spoke with a tongue. He has takenpossession of the easy chair by the fire-side already. He took off hisboots in the parlour, and desired me to see them taken care of. I'mdesirous to know how his impudence affects my daughter. She willcertainly be shocked at it. 

Enter MISS HARDCASTLE, plainly dressed. 

HARDCASTLE. Well, my Kate, I see you have changed your dress, as Ibade you; and yet, I believe, there was no great occasion. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. I find such a pleasure, sir, in obeying yourcommands, that I take care to observe them without ever debating theirpropriety. 

HARDCASTLE. And yet, Kate, I sometimes give you some cause, particularly when I recommended my modest gentleman to you as a loverto-day. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. You taught me to expect something extraordinary, andI find the original exceeds the description. 

HARDCASTLE. I was never so surprised in my life! He has quiteconfounded all my faculties!

MISS HARDCASTLE. I never saw anything like it: and a man of the worldtoo!

HARDCASTLE. Ay, he learned it all abroad--what a fool was I, to thinka young man could learn modesty by travelling. He might as soon learnwit at a masquerade. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. It seems all natural to him. 

HARDCASTLE. A good deal assisted by bad company and a Frenchdancing-master. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. Sure you mistake, papa! A French dancing-mastercould never have taught him that timid look--that awkward address--thatbashful manner--

HARDCASTLE. Whose look? whose manner, child?

MISS HARDCASTLE. Mr. Marlow's: his mauvaise honte, his timidity, struck me at the first sight. 

HARDCASTLE. Then your first sight deceived you; for I think him one ofthe most brazen first sights that ever astonished my senses. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. Sure, sir, you rally! I never saw any one somodest. 

HARDCASTLE. And can you be serious? I never saw such a bouncing, swaggering puppy since I was born. Bully Dawson was but a fool to him. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. Surprising! He met me with a respectful bow, astammering voice, and a look fixed on the ground. 

HARDCASTLE. He met me with a loud voice, a lordly air, and afamiliarity that made my blood freeze again. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. He treated me with diffidence and respect; censuredthe manners of the age; admired the prudence of girls that neverlaughed; tired me with apologies for being tiresome; then left the roomwith a bow, and "Madam, I would not for the world detain you. "

HARDCASTLE. He spoke to me as if he knew me all his life before;asked twenty questions, and never waited for an answer; interrupted mybest remarks with some silly pun; and when I was in my best story ofthe Duke of Marlborough and Prince Eugene, he asked if I had not a goodhand at making punch. Yes, Kate, he asked your father if he was amaker of punch!

MISS HARDCASTLE. One of us must certainly be mistaken. 

HARDCASTLE. If he be what he has shown himself, I'm determined heshall never have my consent. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. And if he be the sullen thing I take him, he shallnever have mine. 

HARDCASTLE. In one thing then we are agreed--to reject him. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. Yes: but upon conditions. For if you should find himless impudent, and I more presuming--if you find him more respectful, and I more importunate--I don't know--the fellow is well enough for aman--Certainly, we don't meet many such at a horse-race in the country. 

HARDCASTLE. If we should find him so----But that's impossible. Thefirst appearance has done my business. I'm seldom deceived in that. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. And yet there may be many good qualities under thatfirst appearance. 

HARDCASTLE. Ay, when a girl finds a fellow's outside to her taste, shethen sets about guessing the rest of his furniture. With her, a smoothface stands for good sense, and a genteel figure for every virtue. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. I hope, sir, a conversation begun with a complimentto my good sense, won't end with a sneer at my understanding?

HARDCASTLE. Pardon me, Kate. But if young Mr. Brazen can find the artof reconciling contradictions, he may please us both, perhaps. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. And as one of us must be mistaken, what if we go tomake further discoveries?

HARDCASTLE. Agreed. But depend on't I'm in the right. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. And depend on't I'm not much in the wrong. [Exeunt. ]

Enter Tony, running in with a casket. 

TONY. Ecod! I have got them. Here they are. My cousin Con'snecklaces, bobs and all. My mother shan't cheat the poor souls out oftheir fortin neither. O! my genus, is that you?

Enter HASTINGS. 

HASTINGS. My dear friend, how have you managed with your mother? Ihope you have amused her with pretending love for your cousin, and thatyou are willing to be reconciled at last? Our horses will be refreshedin a short time, and we shall soon be ready to set off. 

TONY. And here's something to bear your charges by the way (giving thecasket); your sweetheart's jewels. Keep them: and hang those, I say, that would rob you of one of them. 

HASTINGS. But how have you procured them from your mother?

TONY. Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no fibs. I procured themby the rule of thumb. If I had not a key to every drawer in mother'sbureau, how could I go to the alehouse so often as I do? An honest manmay rob himself of his own at any time. 

HASTINGS. Thousands do it every day. But to be plain with you; MissNeville is endeavouring to procure them from her aunt this veryinstant. If she succeeds, it will be the most delicate way at least ofobtaining them. 

TONY. Well, keep them, till you know how it will be. But I know howit will be well enough; she'd as soon part with the only sound tooth inher head. 

HASTINGS. But I dread the effects of her resentment, when she findsshe has lost them. 

TONY. Never you mind her resentment, leave ME to manage that. Idon't value her resentment the bounce of a cracker. Zounds! here theyare. Morrice! Prance! [Exit HASTINGS. ]

Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE and MISS NEVILLE. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Indeed, Constance, you amaze me. Such a girl as youwant jewels! It will be time enough for jewels, my dear, twenty yearshence, when your beauty begins to want repairs. 

MISS NEVILLE. But what will repair beauty at forty, will certainlyimprove it at twenty, madam. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Yours, my dear, can admit of none. That naturalblush is beyond a thousand ornaments. Besides, child, jewels are quiteout at present. Don't you see half the ladies of our acquaintance, myLady Kill-daylight, and Mrs. Crump, and the rest of them, carry theirjewels to town, and bring nothing but paste and marcasites back. 

MISS NEVILLE. But who knows, madam, but somebody that shall benameless would like me best with all my little finery about me?

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Consult your glass, my dear, and then see if, withsuch a pair of eyes, you want any better sparklers. What do you think, Tony, my dear? does your cousin Con. Want any jewels in your eyes toset off her beauty?

TONY. That's as thereafter may be. 

MISS NEVILLE. My dear aunt, if you knew how it would oblige me. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. A parcel of old-fashioned rose and table-cut things. They would make you look like the court of King Solomon at apuppet-show. Besides, I believe, I can't readily come at them. Theymay be missing, for aught I know to the contrary. 

TONY. (Apart to MRS. HARDCASTLE. ) Then why don't you tell her so atonce, as she's so longing for them? Tell her they're lost. It's theonly way to quiet her. Say they're lost, and call me to bear witness. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. (Apart to TONY. ) You know, my dear, I'm onlykeeping them for you. So if I say they're gone, you'll bear mewitness, will you? He! he! he!

TONY. Never fear me. Ecod! I'll say I saw them taken out with my owneyes. 

MISS NEVILLE. I desire them but for a day, madam. Just to bepermitted to show them as relics, and then they may be locked upagain. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. To be plain with you, my dear Constance, if I couldfind them you should have them. They're missing, I assure you. Lost, for aught I know; but we must have patience wherever they are. 

MISS NEVILLE. I'll not believe it! this is but a shallow pretence todeny me. I know they are too valuable to be so slightly kept, and asyou are to answer for the loss--

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Don't be alarmed, Constance. If they be lost, I mustrestore an equivalent. But my son knows they are missing, and not tobe found. 

TONY. That I can bear witness to. They are missing, and not to befound; I'll take my oath on't. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. You must learn resignation, my dear; for though welose our fortune, yet we should not lose our patience. See me, howcalm I am. 

MISS NEVILLE. Ay, people are generally calm at the misfortunes ofothers. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Now I wonder a girl of your good sense should waste athought upon such trumpery. We shall soon find them; and in the meantime you shall make use of my garnets till your jewels be found. 

MISS NEVILLE. I detest garnets. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. The most becoming things in the world to set off aclear complexion. You have often seen how well they look upon me. YouSHALL have them. [Exit. ]

MISS NEVILLE. I dislike them of all things. You shan't stir. --Wasever anything so provoking, to mislay my own jewels, and force me towear her trumpery?

TONY. Don't be a fool. If she gives you the garnets, take what youcan get. The jewels are your own already. I have stolen them out ofher bureau, and she does not know it. Fly to your spark, he'll tellyou more of the matter. Leave me to manage her. 

MISS NEVILLE. My dear cousin!

TONY. Vanish. She's here, and has missed them already. [Exit MISSNEVILLE. ] Zounds! how she fidgets and spits about like a Catherinewheel. 

Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Confusion! thieves! robbers! we are cheated, plundered, broke open, undone. 

TONY. What's the matter, what's the matter, mamma? I hope nothing hashappened to any of the good family!

MRS. HARDCASTLE. We are robbed. My bureau has been broken open, thejewels taken out, and I'm undone. 

TONY. Oh! is that all? Ha! ha! ha! By the laws, I never saw itacted better in my life. Ecod, I thought you was ruined in earnest, ha! ha! ha!

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Why, boy, I AM ruined in earnest. My bureau has beenbroken open, and all taken away. 

TONY. Stick to that: ha! ha! ha! stick to that. I'll bear witness, you know; call me to bear witness. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. I tell you, Tony, by all that's precious, the jewelsare gone, and I shall be ruined for ever. 

TONY. Sure I know they're gone, and I'm to say so. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. My dearest Tony, but hear me. They're gone, I say. 

TONY. By the laws, mamma, you make me for to laugh, ha! ha! I knowwho took them well enough, ha! ha! ha!

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Was there ever such a blockhead, that can't tell thedifference between jest and earnest? I tell you I'm not in jest, booby. 

TONY. That's right, that's right; you must be in a bitter passion, andthen nobody will suspect either of us. I'll bear witness that they aregone. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Was there ever such a cross-grained brute, thatwon't hear me? Can you bear witness that you're no better than afool? Was ever poor woman so beset with fools on one hand, andthieves on the other?

TONY. I can bear witness to that. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Bear witness again, you blockhead you, and I'll turnyou out of the room directly. My poor niece, what will become of her?Do you laugh, you unfeeling brute, as if you enjoyed my distress?

TONY. I can bear witness to that. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Do you insult me, monster? I'll teach you to vexyour mother, I will. 

TONY. I can bear witness to that. [He runs off, she follows him. ]

Enter Miss HARDCASTLE and Maid. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. What an unaccountable creature is that brother ofmine, to send them to the house as an inn! ha! ha! I don't wonder athis impudence. 

MAID. But what is more, madam, the young gentleman, as you passed byin your present dress, asked me if you were the bar-maid. He mistookyou for the bar-maid, madam. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. Did he? Then as I live, I'm resolved to keep up thedelusion. Tell me, Pimple, how do you like my present dress? Don'tyou think I look something like Cherry in the Beaux Stratagem?

MAID. It's the dress, madam, that every lady wears in the country, butwhen she visits or receives company. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. And are you sure he does not remember my face orperson?

MAID. Certain of it. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. I vow, I thought so; for, though we spoke for sometime together, yet his fears were such, that he never once looked upduring the interview. Indeed, if he had, my bonnet would have kept himfrom seeing me. 

MAID. But what do you hope from keeping him in his mistake?

MISS HARDCASTLE. In the first place I shall be seen, and that is nosmall advantage to a girl who brings her face to market. Then I shallperhaps make an acquaintance, and that's no small victory gained overone who never addresses any but the wildest of her sex. But my chiefaim is, to take my gentleman off his guard, and, like an invisiblechampion of romance, examine the giant's force before I offer tocombat. 

MAID. But you are sure you can act your part, and disguise your voiceso that he may mistake that, as he has already mistaken your person?

MISS HARDCASTLE. Never fear me. I think I have got the true barcant--Did your honour call?--Attend the Lion there--Pipes and tobaccofor the Angel. --The Lamb has been outrageous this half-hour. 

MAID. It will do, madam. But he's here. [Exit MAID. ]

Enter MARLOW. 

MARLOW. What a bawling in every part of the house! I have scarce amoment's repose. If I go to the best room, there I find my host andhis story: if I fly to the gallery, there we have my hostess with hercurtsey down to the ground. I have at last got a moment to myself, andnow for recollection. [Walks and muses. ]

MISS HARDCASTLE. Did you call, sir? Did your honour call?

MARLOW. (Musing. ) As for Miss Hardcastle, she's too grave andsentimental for me. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. Did your honour call? (She still places herselfbefore him, he turning away. )

MARLOW. No, child. (Musing. ) Besides, from the glimpse I had of her, I think she squints. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. I'm sure, sir, I heard the bell ring. 

MARLOW. No, no. (Musing. ) I have pleased my father, however, bycoming down, and I'll to-morrow please myself by returning. [Takingout his tablets, and perusing. ]

MISS HARDCASTLE. Perhaps the other gentleman called, sir?

MARLOW. I tell you, no. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. I should be glad to know, sir. We have such aparcel of servants!

MARLOW. No, no, I tell you. (Looks full in her face. ) Yes, child, Ithink I did call. I wanted--I wanted--I vow, child, you are vastlyhandsome. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. O la, sir, you'll make one ashamed. 

MARLOW. Never saw a more sprightly malicious eye. Yes, yes, my dear, I did call. Have you got any of your--a--what d'ye call it in thehouse?

MISS HARDCASTLE. No, sir, we have been out of that these ten days. 

MARLOW. One may call in this house, I find, to very little purpose. Suppose I should call for a taste, just by way of a trial, of thenectar of your lips; perhaps I might be disappointed in that too. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. Nectar! nectar! That's a liquor there's no call forin these parts. French, I suppose. We sell no French wines here, sir. 

MARLOW. Of true English growth, I assure you. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. Then it's odd I should not know it. We brew allsorts of wines in this house, and I have lived here these eighteenyears. 

MARLOW. Eighteen years! Why, one would think, child, you kept the barbefore you were born. How old are you?

MISS HARDCASTLE. O! sir, I must not tell my age. They say women andmusic should never be dated. 

MARLOW. To guess at this distance, you can't be much above forty(approaching). Yet, nearer, I don't think so much (approaching). Bycoming close to some women they look younger still; but when we comevery close indeed--(attempting to kiss her). 

MISS HARDCASTLE. Pray, sir, keep your distance. One would think youwanted to know one's age, as they do horses, by mark of mouth. 

MARLOW. I protest, child, you use me extremely ill. If you keep me atthis distance, how is it possible you and I can ever be acquainted?

MISS HARDCASTLE. And who wants to be acquainted with you? I want nosuch acquaintance, not I. I'm sure you did not treat Miss Hardcastle, that was here awhile ago, in this obstropalous manner. I'll warrantme, before her you looked dashed, and kept bowing to the ground, andtalked, for all the world, as if you was before a justice of peace. 

MARLOW. (Aside. ) Egad, she has hit it, sure enough! (To her. ) Inawe of her, child? Ha! ha! ha! A mere awkward squinting thing; no, no. I find you don't know me. I laughed and rallied her a little; butI was unwilling to be too severe. No, I could not be too severe, curseme!

MISS HARDCASTLE. O! then, sir, you are a favourite, I find, among theladies?

MARLOW. Yes, my dear, a great favourite. And yet hang me, I don't seewhat they find in me to follow. At the Ladies' Club in town I'm calledtheir agreeable Rattle. Rattle, child, is not my real name, but oneI'm known by. My name is Solomons; Mr. Solomons, my dear, at yourservice. (Offering to salute her. )

MISS HARDCASTLE. Hold, sir; you are introducing me to your club, notto yourself. And you're so great a favourite there, you say?

MARLOW. Yes, my dear. There's Mrs. Mantrap, Lady Betty Blackleg, theCountess of Sligo, Mrs. Langhorns, old Miss Biddy Buckskin, and yourhumble servant, keep up the spirit of the place. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. Then it's a very merry place, I suppose?

MARLOW. Yes, as merry as cards, supper, wine, and old women can makeus. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. And their agreeable Rattle, ha! ha! ha!

MARLOW. (Aside. ) Egad! I don't quite like this chit. She looksknowing, methinks. You laugh, child?

MISS HARDCASTLE. I can't but laugh, to think what time they all havefor minding their work or their family. 

MARLOW. (Aside. ) All's well; she don't laugh at me. (To her. ) Doyou ever work, child?

MISS HARDCASTLE. Ay, sure. There's not a screen or quilt in thewhole house but what can bear witness to that. 

MARLOW. Odso! then you must show me your embroidery. I embroider anddraw patterns myself a little. If you want a judge of your work, youmust apply to me. (Seizing her hand. )

MISS HARDCASTLE. Ay, but the colours do not look well by candlelight. You shall see all in the morning. (Struggling. )

MARLOW. And why not now, my angel? Such beauty fires beyond thepower of resistance. --Pshaw! the father here! My old luck: I nevernicked seven that I did not throw ames ace three times following. [Exit MARLOW. ]

Enter HARDCASTLE, who stands in surprise. 

HARDCASTLE. So, madam. So, I find THIS is your MODEST lover. This isyour humble admirer, that kept his eyes fixed on the ground, and onlyadored at humble distance. Kate, Kate, art thou not ashamed to deceiveyour father so?

MISS HARDCASTLE. Never trust me, dear papa, but he's still the modestman I first took him for; you'll be convinced of it as well as I. 

HARDCASTLE. By the hand of my body, I believe his impudence isinfectious! Didn't I see him seize your hand? Didn't I see him haulyou about like a milkmaid? And now you talk of his respect and hismodesty, forsooth!

MISS HARDCASTLE. But if I shortly convince you of his modesty, that hehas only the faults that will pass off with time, and the virtues thatwill improve with age, I hope you'll forgive him. 

HARDCASTLE. The girl would actually make one run mad! I tell you, I'll not be convinced. I am convinced. He has scarce been three hoursin the house, and he has already encroached on all my prerogatives. You may like his impudence, and call it modesty; but my son-in-law, madam, must have very different qualifications. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. Sir, I ask but this night to convince you. 

HARDCASTLE. You shall not have half the time, for I have thoughts ofturning him out this very hour. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. Give me that hour then, and I hope to satisfy you. 

HARDCASTLE. Well, an hour let it be then. But I'll have no triflingwith your father. All fair and open, do you mind me. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. I hope, sir, you have ever found that I consideredyour commands as my pride; for your kindness is such, that my duty asyet has been inclination. [Exeunt. ]

ACT THE FOURTH. 

Enter HASTINGS and MISS NEVILLE. 

HASTINGS. You surprise me; Sir Charles Marlow expected here thisnight! Where have you had your information?

MISS NEVILLE. You may depend upon it. I just saw his letter to Mr. Hardcastle, in which he tells him he intends setting out a few hoursafter his son. 

HASTINGS. Then, my Constance, all must be completed before hearrives. He knows me; and should he find me here, would discover myname, and perhaps my designs, to the rest of the family. 

MISS NEVILLE. The jewels, I hope, are safe?

HASTINGS. Yes, yes, I have sent them to Marlow, who keeps the keys ofour baggage. In the mean time, I'll go to prepare matters for ourelopement. I have had the 'squire's promise of a fresh pair of horses;and if I should not see him again, will write him further directions. [Exit. ]

MISS NEVILLE. Well! success attend you. In the mean time I'll go andamuse my aunt with the old pretence of a violent passion for my cousin. [Exit. ]

Enter MARLOW, followed by a Servant. 

MARLOW. I wonder what Hastings could mean by sending me so valuable athing as a casket to keep for him, when he knows the only place I haveis the seat of a post-coach at an inn-door. Have you deposited thecasket with the landlady, as I ordered you? Have you put it into herown hands?

SERVANT. Yes, your honour. 

MARLOW. She said she'd keep it safe, did she?

SERVANT. Yes, she said she'd keep it safe enough; she asked me how Icame by it; and she said she had a great mind to make me give anaccount of myself. [Exit Servant. ]

MARLOW. Ha! ha! ha! They're safe, however. What an unaccountable setof beings have we got amongst! This little bar-maid though runs in myhead most strangely, and drives out the absurdities of all the rest ofthe family. She's mine, she must be mine, or I'm greatly mistaken. 

Enter HASTINGS. 

HASTINGS. Bless me! I quite forgot to tell her that I intended toprepare at the bottom of the garden. Marlow here, and in spirits too!

MARLOW. Give me joy, George! Crown me, shadow me with laurels!Well, George, after all, we modest fellows don't want for successamong the women. 

HASTINGS. Some women, you mean. But what success has your honour'smodesty been crowned with now, that it grows so insolent upon us?

MARLOW. Didn't you see the tempting, brisk, lovely little thing, thatruns about the house with a bunch of keys to its girdle?

HASTINGS. Well, and what then?

MARLOW. She's mine, you rogue you. Such fire, such motion, sucheyes, such lips; but, egad! she would not let me kiss them though. 

HASTINGS. But are you so sure, so very sure of her?

MARLOW. Why, man, she talked of showing me her work above stairs, andI am to improve the pattern. 

HASTINGS. But how can you, Charles, go about to rob a woman of herhonour?

MARLOW. Pshaw! pshaw! We all know the honour of the bar-maid of aninn. I don't intend to rob her, take my word for it; there's nothingin this house I shan't honestly pay for. 

HASTINGS. I believe the girl has virtue. 

MARLOW. And if she has, I should be the last man in the world thatwould attempt to corrupt it. 

HASTINGS. You have taken care, I hope, of the casket I sent you tolock up? Is it in safety?

MARLOW. Yes, yes. It's safe enough. I have taken care of it. Buthow could you think the seat of a post-coach at an inn-door a place ofsafety? Ah! numskull! I have taken better precautions for you thanyou did for yourself----I have----

HASTINGS. What?

MARLOW. I have sent it to the landlady to keep for you. 

HASTINGS. To the landlady!

MARLOW. The landlady. 

HASTINGS. You did?

MARLOW. I did. She's to be answerable for its forthcoming, you know. 

HASTINGS. Yes, she'll bring it forth with a witness. 

MARLOW. Wasn't I right? I believe you'll allow that I actedprudently upon this occasion. 

HASTINGS. (Aside. ) He must not see my uneasiness. 

MARLOW. You seem a little disconcerted though, methinks. Surenothing has happened?

HASTINGS. No, nothing. Never was in better spirits in all my life. And so you left it with the landlady, who, no doubt, very readilyundertook the charge. 

MARLOW. Rather too readily. For she not only kept the casket, but, through her great precaution, was going to keep the messenger too. Ha!ha! ha!

HASTINGS. He! he! he! They're safe, however. 

MARLOW. As a guinea in a miser's purse. 

HASTINGS. (Aside. ) So now all hopes of fortune are at an end, and wemust set off without it. (To him. ) Well, Charles, I'll leave you toyour meditations on the pretty bar-maid, and, he! he! he! may you be assuccessful for yourself, as you have been for me! [Exit. ]

MARLOW. Thank ye, George: I ask no more. Ha! ha! ha!

Enter HARDCASTLE. 

HARDCASTLE. I no longer know my own house. It's turned alltopsy-turvy. His servants have got drunk already. I'll bear it nolonger; and yet, from my respect for his father, I'll be calm. (Tohim. ) Mr. Marlow, your servant. I'm your very humble servant. (Bowing low. )

MARLOW. Sir, your humble servant. (Aside. ) What's to be the wondernow?

HARDCASTLE. I believe, sir, you must be sensible, sir, that no manalive ought to be more welcome than your father's son, sir. I hope youthink so?

MARLOW. I do from my soul, sir. I don't want much entreaty. Igenerally make my father's son welcome wherever he goes. 

HARDCASTLE. I believe you do, from my soul, sir. But though I saynothing to your own conduct, that of your servants is insufferable. Their manner of drinking is setting a very bad example in this house, I assure you. 

MARLOW. I protest, my very good sir, that is no fault of mine. Ifthey don't drink as they ought, they are to blame. I ordered them notto spare the cellar. I did, I assure you. (To the side scene. ) Here, let one of my servants come up. (To him. ) My positive directionswere, that as I did not drink myself, they should make up for mydeficiencies below. 

HARDCASTLE. Then they had your orders for what they do? I'msatisfied!

MARLOW. They had, I assure you. You shall hear from one ofthemselves. 

Enter Servant, drunk. 

MARLOW. You, Jeremy! Come forward, sirrah! What were my orders?Were you not told to drink freely, and call for what you thought fit, for the good of the house?

HARDCASTLE. (Aside. ) I begin to lose my patience. 

JEREMY. Please your honour, liberty and Fleet-street for ever!Though I'm but a servant, I'm as good as another man. I'll drink forno man before supper, sir, damme! Good liquor will sit upon a goodsupper, but a good supper will not sit upon----hiccup----on myconscience, sir. 

MARLOW. You see, my old friend, the fellow is as drunk as he canpossibly be. I don't know what you'd have more, unless you'd have thepoor devil soused in a beer-barrel. 

HARDCASTLE. Zounds! he'll drive me distracted, if I contain myself anylonger. Mr. Marlow--Sir; I have submitted to your insolence for morethan four hours, and I see no likelihood of its coming to an end. I'mnow resolved to be master here, sir; and I desire that you and yourdrunken pack may leave my house directly. 

MARLOW. Leave your house!----Sure you jest, my good friend! What?when I'm doing what I can to please you. 

HARDCASTLE. I tell you, sir, you don't please me; so I desire you'llleave my house. 

MARLOW. Sure you cannot be serious? At this time o' night, and such anight? You only mean to banter me. 

HARDCASTLE. I tell you, sir, I'm serious! and now that my passions areroused, I say this house is mine, sir; this house is mine, and Icommand you to leave it directly. 

MARLOW. Ha! ha! ha! A puddle in a storm. I shan't stir a step, Iassure you. (In a serious tone. ) This your house, fellow! It's myhouse. This is my house. Mine, while I choose to stay. What righthave you to bid me leave this house, sir? I never met with suchimpudence, curse me; never in my whole life before. 

HARDCASTLE. Nor I, confound me if ever I did. To come to my house, tocall for what he likes, to turn me out of my own chair, to insult thefamily, to order his servants to get drunk, and then to tell me, "Thishouse is mine, sir. " By all that's impudent, it makes me laugh. Ha!ha! ha! Pray, sir (bantering), as you take the house, what think youof taking the rest of the furniture? There's a pair of silvercandlesticks, and there's a fire-screen, and here's a pair ofbrazen-nosed bellows; perhaps you may take a fancy to them?

MARLOW. Bring me your bill, sir; bring me your bill, and let's make nomore words about it. 

HARDCASTLE. There are a set of prints, too. What think you of theRake's Progress, for your own apartment?

MARLOW. Bring me your bill, I say; and I'll leave you and yourinfernal house directly. 

HARDCASTLE. Then there's a mahogany table that you may see your ownface in. 

MARLOW. My bill, I say. 

HARDCASTLE. I had forgot the great chair for your own particularslumbers, after a hearty meal. 

MARLOW. Zounds! bring me my bill, I say, and let's hear no more on't. 

HARDCASTLE. Young man, young man, from your father's letter to me, Iwas taught to expect a well-bred modest man as a visitor here, but nowI find him no better than a coxcomb and a bully; but he will be downhere presently, and shall hear more of it. [Exit. ]

MARLOW. How's this? Sure I have not mistaken the house. Everythinglooks like an inn. The servants cry, coming; the attendance isawkward; the bar-maid, too, to attend us. But she's here, and willfurther inform me. Whither so fast, child? A word with you. 

Enter MISS HARDCASTLE. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. Let it be short, then. I'm in a hurry. (Aside. ) Ibelieve be begins to find out his mistake. But it's too soon quite toundeceive him. 

MARLOW. Pray, child, answer me one question. What are you, and whatmay your business in this house be?

MISS HARDCASTLE. A relation of the family, sir. 

MARLOW. What, a poor relation. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. Yes, sir. A poor relation, appointed to keep thekeys, and to see that the guests want nothing in my power to give them. 

MARLOW. That is, you act as the bar-maid of this inn. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. Inn! O law----what brought that in your head? Oneof the best families in the country keep an inn--Ha! ha! ha! old Mr. Hardcastle's house an inn!

MARLOW. Mr. Hardcastle's house! Is this Mr. Hardcastle's house, child?

MISS HARDCASTLE. Ay, sure! Whose else should it be?

MARLOW. So then, all's out, and I have been damnably imposed on. O, confound my stupid head, I shall be laughed at over the whole town. Ishall be stuck up in caricatura in all the print-shops. The DULLISSIMOMACCARONI. To mistake this house of all others for an inn, and myfather's old friend for an innkeeper! What a swaggering puppy must hetake me for! What a silly puppy do I find myself! There again, may Ibe hanged, my dear, but I mistook you for the bar-maid. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. Dear me! dear me! I'm sure there's nothing in myBEHAVIOUR to put me on a level with one of that stamp. 

MARLOW. Nothing, my dear, nothing. But I was in for a list ofblunders, and could not help making you a subscriber. My stupidity saweverything the wrong way. I mistook your assiduity for assurance, andyour simplicity for allurement. But it's over. This house I no moreshow MY face in. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. I hope, sir, I have done nothing to disoblige you. I'm sure I should be sorry to affront any gentleman who has been sopolite, and said so many civil things to me. I'm sure I should besorry (pretending to cry) if he left the family upon my account. I'msure I should be sorry if people said anything amiss, since I have nofortune but my character. 

MARLOW. (Aside. ) By Heaven! she weeps. This is the first mark oftenderness I ever had from a modest woman, and it touches me. (Toher. ) Excuse me, my lovely girl; you are the only part of the family Ileave with reluctance. But to be plain with you, the difference of ourbirth, fortune, and education, makes an honourable connexionimpossible; and I can never harbour a thought of seducing simplicitythat trusted in my honour, of bringing ruin upon one whose only faultwas being too lovely. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. (Aside. ) Generous man! I now begin to admire him. (To him. ) But I am sure my family is as good as Miss Hardcastle's; andthough I'm poor, that's no great misfortune to a contented mind; and, until this moment, I never thought that it was bad to want fortune. 

MARLOW. And why now, my pretty simplicity?

MISS HARDCASTLE. Because it puts me at a distance from one that, if Ihad a thousand pounds, I would give it all to. 

MARLOW. (Aside. ) This simplicity bewitches me, so that if I stay, I'mundone. I must make one bold effort, and leave her. (To her. ) Yourpartiality in my favour, my dear, touches me most sensibly: and were Ito live for myself alone, I could easily fix my choice. But I owe toomuch to the opinion of the world, too much to the authority of afather; so that--I can scarcely speak it--it affects me. Farewell. [Exit. ]

MISS HARDCASTLE. I never knew half his merit till now. He shall notgo, if I have power or art to detain him. I'll still preserve thecharacter in which I STOOPED TO CONQUER; but will undeceive my papa, who perhaps may laugh him out of his resolution. [Exit. ]

Enter Tony and MISS NEVILLE. 

TONY. Ay, you may steal for yourselves the next time. I have done myduty. She has got the jewels again, that's a sure thing; but shebelieves it was all a mistake of the servants. 

MISS NEVILLE. But, my dear cousin, sure you won't forsake us in thisdistress? If she in the least suspects that I am going off, I shallcertainly be locked up, or sent to my aunt Pedigree's, which is tentimes worse. 

TONY. To be sure, aunts of all kinds are damned bad things. But whatcan I do? I have got you a pair of horses that will fly likeWhistle-jacket; and I'm sure you can't say but I have courted younicely before her face. Here she comes, we must court a bit or twomore, for fear she should suspect us. [They retire, and seem tofondle. ]

Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Well, I was greatly fluttered, to be sure. But myson tells me it was all a mistake of the servants. I shan't be easy, however, till they are fairly married, and then let her keep her ownfortune. But what do I see? fondling together, as I'm alive. I neversaw Tony so sprightly before. Ah! have I caught you, my pretty doves?What, billing, exchanging stolen glances and broken murmurs? Ah!

TONY. As for murmurs, mother, we grumble a little now and then, to besure. But there's no love lost between us. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. A mere sprinkling, Tony, upon the flame, only to makeit burn brighter. 

MISS NEVILLE. Cousin Tony promises to give us more of his company athome. Indeed, he shan't leave us any more. It won't leave us, cousinTony, will it?

TONY. O! it's a pretty creature. No, I'd sooner leave my horse in apound, than leave you when you smile upon one so. Your laugh makes youso becoming. 

MISS NEVILLE. Agreeable cousin! Who can help admiring that naturalhumour, that pleasant, broad, red, thoughtless (patting his cheek)--ah!it's a bold face. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Pretty innocence!

TONY. I'm sure I always loved cousin Con. 's hazle eyes, and herpretty long fingers, that she twists this way and that over thehaspicholls, like a parcel of bobbins. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Ah! he would charm the bird from the tree. I wasnever so happy before. My boy takes after his father, poor Mr. Lumpkin, exactly. The jewels, my dear Con. , shall be yoursincontinently. You shall have them. Isn't he a sweet boy, my dear?You shall be married to-morrow, and we'll put off the rest of hiseducation, like Dr. Drowsy's sermons, to a fitter opportunity. 

Enter DIGGORY. 

DIGGORY. Where's the 'squire? I have got a letter for your worship. 

TONY. Give it to my mamma. She reads all my letters first. 

DIGGORY. I had orders to deliver it into your own hands. 

TONY. Who does it come from?

DIGGORY. Your worship mun ask that o' the letter itself. 

TONY. I could wish to know though (turning the letter, and gazing onit). 

MISS NEVILLE. (Aside. ) Undone! undone! A letter to him fromHastings. I know the hand. If my aunt sees it, we are ruined forever. I'll keep her employed a little if I can. (To MRS. HARDCASTLE. ) But I have not told you, madam, of my cousin's smartanswer just now to Mr. Marlow. We so laughed. --You must know, madam. --This way a little, for he must not hear us. [They confer. ]

TONY. (Still gazing. ) A damned cramp piece of penmanship, as ever Isaw in my life. I can read your print hand very well. But here aresuch handles, and shanks, and dashes, that one can scarce tell the headfrom the tail. --"To Anthony Lumpkin, Esquire. " It's very odd, I canread the outside of my letters, where my own name is, well enough; butwhen I come to open it, it's all----buzz. That's hard, very hard; forthe inside of the letter is always the cream of the correspondence. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Ha! ha! ha! Very well, very well. And so my son wastoo hard for the philosopher. 

MISS NEVILLE. Yes, madam; but you must hear the rest, madam. Alittle more this way, or he may hear us. You'll hear how he puzzledhim again. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. He seems strangely puzzled now himself, methinks. 

TONY. (Still gazing. ) A damned up and down hand, as if it wasdisguised in liquor. --(Reading. ) Dear Sir, --ay, that's that. Thenthere's an M, and a T, and an S, but whether the next be an izzard, oran R, confound me, I cannot tell. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. What's that, my dear? Can I give you anyassistance?

MISS NEVILLE. Pray, aunt, let me read it. Nobody reads a cramp handbetter than I. (Twitching the letter from him. ) Do you know who it isfrom?

TONY. Can't tell, except from Dick Ginger, the feeder. 

MISS NEVILLE. Ay, so it is. (Pretending to read. ) Dear 'Squire, hoping that you're in health, as I am at this present. The gentlemenof the Shake-bag club has cut the gentlemen of Goose-green quite out offeather. The odds--um--odd battle--um--long fighting--um--here, here, it's all about cocks and fighting; it's of no consequence; here, put itup, put it up. (Thrusting the crumpled letter upon him. )

TONY. But I tell you, miss, it's of all the consequence in the world. I would not lose the rest of it for a guinea. Here, mother, do youmake it out. Of no consequence! (Giving MRS. HARDCASTLE the letter. )

MRS. HARDCASTLE. How's this?--(Reads. ) "Dear 'Squire, I'm nowwaiting for Miss Neville, with a post-chaise and pair, at the bottom ofthe garden, but I find my horses yet unable to perform the journey. Iexpect you'll assist us with a pair of fresh horses, as you promised. Dispatch is necessary, as the HAG (ay, the hag), your mother, willotherwise suspect us! Yours, Hastings. " Grant me patience. I shallrun distracted! My rage chokes me. 

MISS NEVILLE. I hope, madam, you'll suspend your resentment for a fewmoments, and not impute to me any impertinence, or sinister design, that belongs to another. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. (Curtseying very low. ) Fine spoken, madam, you aremost miraculously polite and engaging, and quite the very pink ofcourtesy and circumspection, madam. (Changing her tone. ) And you, yougreat ill-fashioned oaf, with scarce sense enough to keep your mouthshut: were you, too, joined against me? But I'll defeat all your plotsin a moment. As for you, madam, since you have got a pair of freshhorses ready, it would be cruel to disappoint them. So, if you please, instead of running away with your spark, prepare, this very moment, torun off with ME. Your old aunt Pedigree will keep you secure, I'llwarrant me. You too, sir, may mount your horse, and guard us upon theway. Here, Thomas, Roger, Diggory! I'll show you, that I wish youbetter than you do yourselves. [Exit. ]

MISS NEVILLE. So now I'm completely ruined. 

TONY. Ay, that's a sure thing. 

MISS NEVILLE. What better could be expected from being connected withsuch a stupid fool, --and after all the nods and signs I made him?

TONY. By the laws, miss, it was your own cleverness, and not mystupidity, that did your business. You were so nice and so busy withyour Shake-bags and Goose-greens, that I thought you could never bemaking believe. 

Enter HASTINGS. 

HASTINGS. So, sir, I find by my servant, that you have shown myletter, and betrayed us. Was this well done, young gentleman?

TONY. Here's another. Ask miss there, who betrayed you. Ecod, it washer doing, not mine. 

Enter MARLOW. 

MARLOW. So I have been finely used here among you. Renderedcontemptible, driven into ill manners, despised, insulted, laughed at. 

TONY. Here's another. We shall have old Bedlam broke loosepresently. 

MISS NEVILLE. And there, sir, is the gentleman to whom we all oweevery obligation. 

MARLOW. What can I say to him, a mere boy, an idiot, whose ignoranceand age are a protection?

HASTINGS. A poor contemptible booby, that would but disgracecorrection. 

MISS NEVILLE. Yet with cunning and malice enough to make himselfmerry with all our embarrassments. 

HASTINGS. An insensible cub. 

MARLOW. Replete with tricks and mischief. 

TONY. Baw! damme, but I'll fight you both, one after theother----with baskets. 

MARLOW. As for him, he's below resentment. But your conduct, Mr. Hastings, requires an explanation. You knew of my mistakes, yet wouldnot undeceive me. 

HASTINGS. Tortured as I am with my own disappointments, is this a timefor explanations? It is not friendly, Mr. Marlow. 

MARLOW. But, sir----

MISS NEVILLE. Mr. Marlow, we never kept on your mistake till it wastoo late to undeceive you. 

Enter Servant. 

SERVANT. My mistress desires you'll get ready immediately, madam. Thehorses are putting to. Your hat and things are in the next room. Weare to go thirty miles before morning. [Exit Servant. ]

MISS NEVILLE. Well, well: I'll come presently. 

MARLOW. (To HASTINGS. ) Was it well done, sir, to assist in renderingme ridiculous? To hang me out for the scorn of all my acquaintance?Depend upon it, sir, I shall expect an explanation. 

HASTINGS. Was it well done, sir, if you're upon that subject, todeliver what I entrusted to yourself, to the care of another sir?

MISS NEVILLE. Mr. Hastings! Mr. Marlow! Why will you increase mydistress by this groundless dispute? I implore, I entreat you----

Enter Servant. 

SERVANT. Your cloak, madam. My mistress is impatient. [ExitServant. ]

MISS NEVILLE. I come. Pray be pacified. If I leave you thus, Ishall die with apprehension. 

Enter Servant. 

SERVANT. Your fan, muff, and gloves, madam. The horses are waiting. 

MISS NEVILLE. O, Mr. Marlow! if you knew what a scene of constraintand ill-nature lies before me, I'm sure it would convert yourresentment into pity. 

MARLOW. I'm so distracted with a variety of passions, that I don'tknow what I do. Forgive me, madam. George, forgive me. You know myhasty temper, and should not exasperate it. 

HASTINGS. The torture of my situation is my only excuse. 

MISS NEVILLE. Well, my dear Hastings, if you have that esteem for methat I think, that I am sure you have, your constancy for three yearswill but increase the happiness of our future connexion. If----

MRS. HARDCASTLE. (Within. ) Miss Neville. Constance, why Constance, Isay. 

MISS NEVILLE. I'm coming. Well, constancy, remember, constancy is theword. [Exit. ]

HASTINGS. My heart! how can I support this? To be so near happiness, and such happiness!

MARLOW. (To Tony. ) You see now, young gentleman, the effects of yourfolly. What might be amusement to you, is here disappointment, andeven distress. 

TONY. (From a reverie. ) Ecod, I have hit it. It's here. Yourhands. Yours and yours, my poor Sulky!--My boots there, ho!--Meet metwo hours hence at the bottom of the garden; and if you don't find TonyLumpkin a more good-natured fellow than you thought for, I'll give youleave to take my best horse, and Bet Bouncer into the bargain. Comealong. My boots, ho! [Exeunt. ]

ACT THE FIFTH. 

(SCENE continued. )

Enter HASTINGS and Servant. 

HASTINGS. You saw the old lady and Miss Neville drive off, you say?

SERVANT. Yes, your honour. They went off in a post-coach, and theyoung 'squire went on horseback. They're thirty miles off by thistime. 

HASTINGS. Then all my hopes are over. 

SERVANT. Yes, sir. Old Sir Charles has arrived. He and the oldgentleman of the house have been laughing at Mr. Marlow's mistake thishalf hour. They are coming this way. 

HASTINGS. Then I must not be seen. So now to my fruitlessappointment at the bottom of the garden. This is about the time. [Exit. ]

Enter SIR CHARLES and HARDCASTLE. 

HARDCASTLE. Ha! ha! ha! The peremptory tone in which he sent forthhis sublime commands!

SIR CHARLES. And the reserve with which I suppose he treated all youradvances. 

HARDCASTLE. And yet he might have seen something in me above a commoninnkeeper, too. 

SIR CHARLES. Yes, Dick, but he mistook you for an uncommon innkeeper, ha! ha! ha!

HARDCASTLE. Well, I'm in too good spirits to think of anything butjoy. Yes, my dear friend, this union of our families will make ourpersonal friendships hereditary; and though my daughter's fortune isbut small--

SIR CHARLES. Why, Dick, will you talk of fortune to ME? My son ispossessed of more than a competence already, and can want nothing but agood and virtuous girl to share his happiness and increase it. If theylike each other, as you say they do--

HARDCASTLE. IF, man! I tell you they DO like each other. Mydaughter as good as told me so. 

SIR CHARLES. But girls are apt to flatter themselves, you know. 

HARDCASTLE. I saw him grasp her hand in the warmest manner myself; andhere he comes to put you out of your IFS, I warrant him. 

Enter MARLOW. 

MARLOW. I come, sir, once more, to ask pardon for my strange conduct. I can scarce reflect on my insolence without confusion. 

HARDCASTLE. Tut, boy, a trifle! You take it too gravely. An hour ortwo's laughing with my daughter will set all to rights again. She'llnever like you the worse for it. 

MARLOW. Sir, I shall be always proud of her approbation. 

HARDCASTLE. Approbation is but a cold word, Mr. Marlow; if I am notdeceived, you have something more than approbation thereabouts. Youtake me?

MARLOW. Really, sir, I have not that happiness. 

HARDCASTLE. Come, boy, I'm an old fellow, and know what's what as wellas you that are younger. I know what has passed between you; but mum. 

MARLOW. Sure, sir, nothing has passed between us but the mostprofound respect on my side, and the most distant reserve on hers. Youdon't think, sir, that my impudence has been passed upon all the restof the family. 

HARDCASTLE. Impudence! No, I don't say that--not quiteimpudence--though girls like to be played with, and rumpled a littletoo, sometimes. But she has told no tales, I assure you. 

MARLOW. I never gave her the slightest cause. 

HARDCASTLE. Well, well, I like modesty in its place well enough. Butthis is over-acting, young gentleman. You may be open. Your fatherand I will like you all the better for it. 

MARLOW. May I die, sir, if I ever----

HARDCASTLE. I tell you, she don't dislike you; and as I'm sure youlike her----

MARLOW. Dear sir--I protest, sir----

HARDCASTLE. I see no reason why you should not be joined as fast asthe parson can tie you. 

MARLOW. But hear me, sir--

HARDCASTLE. Your father approves the match, I admire it; everymoment's delay will be doing mischief. So--

MARLOW. But why won't you hear me? By all that's just and true, Inever gave Miss Hardcastle the slightest mark of my attachment, or eventhe most distant hint to suspect me of affection. We had but oneinterview, and that was formal, modest, and uninteresting. 

HARDCASTLE. (Aside. ) This fellow's formal modest impudence is beyondbearing. 

SIR CHARLES. And you never grasped her hand, or made anyprotestations?

MARLOW. As Heaven is my witness, I came down in obedience to yourcommands. I saw the lady without emotion, and parted withoutreluctance. I hope you'll exact no farther proofs of my duty, norprevent me from leaving a house in which I suffer so manymortifications. [Exit. ]

SIR CHARLES. I'm astonished at the air of sincerity with which heparted. 

HARDCASTLE. And I'm astonished at the deliberate intrepidity of hisassurance. 

SIR CHARLES. I dare pledge my life and honour upon his truth. 

HARDCASTLE. Here comes my daughter, and I would stake my happinessupon her veracity. 

Enter MISS HARDCASTLE. 

HARDCASTLE. Kate, come hither, child. Answer us sincerely andwithout reserve: has Mr. Marlow made you any professions of love andaffection?

MISS HARDCASTLE. The question is very abrupt, sir. But since yourequire unreserved sincerity, I think he has. 

HARDCASTLE. (To SIR CHARLES. ) You see. 

SIR CHARLES. And pray, madam, have you and my son had more than oneinterview?

MISS HARDCASTLE. Yes, sir, several. 

HARDCASTLE. (To SIR CHARLES. ) You see. 

SIR CHARLES. But did be profess any attachment?

MISS HARDCASTLE. A lasting one. 

SIR CHARLES. Did he talk of love?

MISS HARDCASTLE. Much, sir. 

SIR CHARLES. Amazing! And all this formally?

MISS HARDCASTLE. Formally. 

HARDCASTLE. Now, my friend, I hope you are satisfied. 

SIR CHARLES. And how did he behave, madam?

MISS HARDCASTLE. As most profest admirers do: said some civil thingsof my face, talked much of his want of merit, and the greatness ofmine; mentioned his heart, gave a short tragedy speech, and ended withpretended rapture. 

SIR CHARLES. Now I'm perfectly convinced, indeed. I know hisconversation among women to be modest and submissive: this forwardcanting ranting manner by no means describes him; and, I am confident, he never sat for the picture. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. Then, what, sir, if I should convince you to yourface of my sincerity? If you and my papa, in about half an hour, willplace yourselves behind that screen, you shall hear him declare hispassion to me in person. 

SIR CHARLES. Agreed. And if I find him what you describe, all myhappiness in him must have an end. [Exit. ]

MISS HARDCASTLE. And if you don't find him what I describe--I fear myhappiness must never have a beginning. [Exeunt. ]

SCENE changes to the back of the Garden. 

Enter HASTINGS. 

HASTINGS. What an idiot am I, to wait here for a fellow who probablytakes a delight in mortifying me. He never intended to be punctual, and I'll wait no longer. What do I see? It is he! and perhaps withnews of my Constance. 

Enter Tony, booted and spattered. 

HASTINGS. My honest 'squire! I now find you a man of your word. This looks like friendship. 

TONY. Ay, I'm your friend, and the best friend you have in the world, if you knew but all. This riding by night, by the bye, is cursedlytiresome. It has shook me worse than the basket of a stage-coach. 

HASTINGS. But how? where did you leave your fellow-travellers? Arethey in safety? Are they housed?

TONY. Five and twenty miles in two hours and a half is no such baddriving. The poor beasts have smoked for it: rabbit me, but I'd ratherride forty miles after a fox than ten with such varment. 

HASTINGS. Well, but where have you left the ladies? I die withimpatience. 

TONY. Left them! Why where should I leave them but where I foundthem?

HASTINGS. This is a riddle. 

TONY. Riddle me this then. What's that goes round the house, andround the house, and never touches the house?

HASTINGS. I'm still astray. 

TONY. Why, that's it, mon. I have led them astray. By jingo, there's not a pond or a slough within five miles of the place but theycan tell the taste of. 

HASTINGS. Ha! ha! ha! I understand: you took them in a round, whilethey supposed themselves going forward, and so you have at last broughtthem home again. 

TONY. You shall hear. I first took them down Feather-bed Lane, wherewe stuck fast in the mud. I then rattled them crack over the stones ofUp-and-down Hill. I then introduced them to the gibbet on Heavy-treeHeath; and from that, with a circumbendibus, I fairly lodged them inthe horse-pond at the bottom of the garden. 

HASTINGS. But no accident, I hope?

TONY. No, no. Only mother is confoundedly frightened. She thinksherself forty miles off. She's sick of the journey; and the cattle canscarce crawl. So if your own horses be ready, you may whip off withcousin, and I'll be bound that no soul here can budge a foot to followyou. 

HASTINGS. My dear friend, how can I be grateful?

TONY. Ay, now it's dear friend, noble 'squire. Just now, it was allidiot, cub, and run me through the guts. Damn YOUR way of fighting, Isay. After we take a knock in this part of the country, we kiss and befriends. But if you had run me through the guts, then I should bedead, and you might go kiss the hangman. 

HASTINGS. The rebuke is just. But I must hasten to relieve MissNeville: if you keep the old lady employed, I promise to take care ofthe young one. [Exit HASTINGS. ]

TONY. Never fear me. Here she comes. Vanish. She's got from thepond, and draggled up to the waist like a mermaid. 

Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Oh, Tony, I'm killed! Shook! Battered to death. Ishall never survive it. That last jolt, that laid us against thequickset hedge, has done my business. 

TONY. Alack, mamma, it was all your own fault. You would be forrunning away by night, without knowing one inch of the way. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. I wish we were at home again. I never met so manyaccidents in so short a journey. Drenched in the mud, overturned in aditch, stuck fast in a slough, jolted to a jelly, and at last to loseour way. Whereabouts do you think we are, Tony?

TONY. By my guess we should come upon Crackskull Common, about fortymiles from home. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. O lud! O lud! The most notorious spot in all thecountry. We only want a robbery to make a complete night on't. 

TONY. Don't be afraid, mamma, don't be afraid. Two of the five thatkept here are hanged, and the other three may not find us. Don't beafraid. --Is that a man that's galloping behind us? No; it's only atree. --Don't be afraid. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. The fright will certainly kill me. 

TONY. Do you see anything like a black hat moving behind the thicket?

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Oh, death!

TONY. No; it's only a cow. Don't be afraid, mamma; don't be afraid. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. As I'm alive, Tony, I see a man coming towards us. Ah! I'm sure on't. If he perceives us, we are undone. 

TONY. (Aside. ) Father-in-law, by all that's unlucky, come to take oneof his night walks. (To her. ) Ah, it's a highwayman with pistols aslong as my arm. A damned ill-looking fellow. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Good Heaven defend us! He approaches. 

TONY. Do you hide yourself in that thicket, and leave me to managehim. If there be any danger, I'll cough, and cry hem. When I cough, be sure to keep close. (MRS. HARDCASTLE hides behind a tree in theback scene. )

Enter HARDCASTLE. 

HARDCASTLE. I'm mistaken, or I heard voices of people in want ofhelp. Oh, Tony! is that you? I did not expect you so soon back. Areyour mother and her charge in safety?

TONY. Very safe, sir, at my aunt Pedigree's. Hem. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. (From behind. ) Ah, death! I find there's danger. 

HARDCASTLE. Forty miles in three hours; sure that's too much, myyoungster. 

TONY. Stout horses and willing minds make short journeys, as they say. Hem. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. (From behind. ) Sure he'll do the dear boy no harm. 

HARDCASTLE. But I heard a voice here; I should be glad to know fromwhence it came. 

TONY. It was I, sir, talking to myself, sir. I was saying that fortymiles in four hours was very good going. Hem. As to be sure it was. Hem. I have got a sort of cold by being out in the air. We'll go in, if you please. Hem. 

HARDCASTLE. But if you talked to yourself you did not answeryourself. I'm certain I heard two voices, and am resolved (raising hisvoice) to find the other out. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. (From behind. ) Oh! he's coming to find me out. Oh!

TONY. What need you go, sir, if I tell you? Hem. I'll lay down mylife for the truth--hem--I'll tell you all, sir. [Detaining him. ]

HARDCASTLE. I tell you I will not be detained. I insist on seeing. It's in vain to expect I'll believe you. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. (Running forward from behind. ) O lud! he'll murdermy poor boy, my darling! Here, good gentleman, whet your rage upon me. Take my money, my life, but spare that young gentleman; spare my child, if you have any mercy. 

HARDCASTLE. My wife, as I'm a Christian. From whence can she come? orwhat does she mean?

MRS. HARDCASTLE. (Kneeling. ) Take compassion on us, good Mr. Highwayman. Take our money, our watches, all we have, but spare ourlives. We will never bring you to justice; indeed we won't, good Mr. Highwayman. 

HARDCASTLE. I believe the woman's out of her senses. What, Dorothy, don't you know ME?

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Mr. Hardcastle, as I'm alive! My fears blinded me. But who, my dear, could have expected to meet you here, in thisfrightful place, so far from home? What has brought you to follow us?

HARDCASTLE. Sure, Dorothy, you have not lost your wits? So far fromhome, when you are within forty yards of your own door! (To him. )This is one of your old tricks, you graceless rogue, you. (To her. )Don't you know the gate, and the mulberry-tree; and don't you rememberthe horse-pond, my dear?

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Yes, I shall remember the horse-pond as long as Ilive; I have caught my death in it. (To TONY. ) And it is to you, yougraceless varlet, I owe all this? I'll teach you to abuse your mother, I will. 

TONY. Ecod, mother, all the parish says you have spoiled me, and soyou may take the fruits on't. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. I'll spoil you, I will. [Follows him off the stage. Exit. ]

HARDCASTLE. There's morality, however, in his reply. [Exit. ]

Enter HASTINGS and MISS NEVILLE. 

HASTINGS. My dear Constance, why will you deliberate thus? If wedelay a moment, all is lost for ever. Pluck up a little resolution, and we shall soon be out of the reach of her malignity. 

MISS NEVILLE. I find it impossible. My spirits are so sunk with theagitations I have suffered, that I am unable to face any new danger. Two or three years' patience will at last crown us with happiness. 

HASTINGS. Such a tedious delay is worse than inconstancy. Let us fly, my charmer. Let us date our happiness from this very moment. Perishfortune! Love and content will increase what we possess beyond amonarch's revenue. Let me prevail!

MISS NEVILLE. No, Mr. Hastings, no. Prudence once more comes to myrelief, and I will obey its dictates. In the moment of passion fortunemay be despised, but it ever produces a lasting repentance. I'mresolved to apply to Mr. Hardcastle's compassion and justice forredress. 

HASTINGS. But though he had the will, he has not the power to relieveyou. 

MISS NEVILLE. But he has influence, and upon that I am resolved torely. 

HASTINGS. I have no hopes. But since you persist, I must reluctantlyobey you. [Exeunt. ]

SCENE changes. 

Enter SIR CHARLES and MISS HARDCASTLE. 

SIR CHARLES. What a situation am I in! If what you say appears, Ishall then find a guilty son. If what he says be true, I shall thenlose one that, of all others, I most wished for a daughter. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. I am proud of your approbation, and to show I meritit, if you place yourselves as I directed, you shall hear his explicitdeclaration. But he comes. 

SIR CHARLES. I'll to your father, and keep him to the appointment. [Exit SIR CHARLES. ]

Enter MARLOW. 

MARLOW. Though prepared for setting out, I come once more to takeleave; nor did I, till this moment, know the pain I feel in theseparation. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. (In her own natural manner. ) I believe sufferingscannot be very great, sir, which you can so easily remove. A day ortwo longer, perhaps, might lessen your uneasiness, by showing thelittle value of what you now think proper to regret. 

MARLOW. (Aside. ) This girl every moment improves upon me. (To her. )It must not be, madam. I have already trifled too long with my heart. My very pride begins to submit to my passion. The disparity ofeducation and fortune, the anger of a parent, and the contempt of myequals, begin to lose their weight; and nothing can restore me tomyself but this painful effort of resolution. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. Then go, sir: I'll urge nothing more to detain you. Though my family be as good as hers you came down to visit, and myeducation, I hope, not inferior, what are these advantages withoutequal affluence? I must remain contented with the slight approbationof imputed merit; I must have only the mockery of your addresses, whileall your serious aims are fixed on fortune. 

Enter HARDCASTLE and SIR CHARLES from behind. 

SIR CHARLES. Here, behind this screen. 

HARDCASTLE. Ay, ay; make no noise. I'll engage my Kate covers himwith confusion at last. 

MARLOW. By heavens, madam! fortune was ever my smallestconsideration. Your beauty at first caught my eye; for who could seethat without emotion? But every moment that I converse with you stealsin some new grace, heightens the picture, and gives it strongerexpression. What at first seemed rustic plainness, now appears refinedsimplicity. What seemed forward assurance, now strikes me as theresult of courageous innocence and conscious virtue. 

SIR CHARLES. What can it mean? He amazes me!

HARDCASTLE. I told you how it would be. Hush!

MARLOW. I am now determined to stay, madam; and I have too good anopinion of my father's discernment, when he sees you, to doubt hisapprobation. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. No, Mr. Marlow, I will not, cannot detain you. Doyou think I could suffer a connexion in which there is the smallestroom for repentance? Do you think I would take the mean advantage of atransient passion, to load you with confusion? Do you think I couldever relish that happiness which was acquired by lessening yours?

MARLOW. By all that's good, I can have no happiness but what's in yourpower to grant me! Nor shall I ever feel repentance but in not havingseen your merits before. I will stay even contrary to your wishes; andthough you should persist to shun me, I will make my respectfulassiduities atone for the levity of my past conduct. 

MISS HARDCASTLE. Sir, I must entreat you'll desist. As ouracquaintance began, so let it end, in indifference. I might havegiven an hour or two to levity; but seriously, Mr. Marlow, do youthink I could ever submit to a connexion where I must appearmercenary, and you imprudent? Do you think I could ever catch at theconfident addresses of a secure admirer?

MARLOW. (Kneeling. ) Does this look like security? Does this looklike confidence? No, madam, every moment that shows me your merit, only serves to increase my diffidence and confusion. Here let mecontinue----

SIR CHARLES. I can hold it no longer. Charles, Charles, how hast thoudeceived me! Is this your indifference, your uninterestingconversation?

HARDCASTLE. Your cold contempt; your formal interview! What have youto say now?

MARLOW. That I'm all amazement! What can it mean?

HARDCASTLE. It means that you can say and unsay things at pleasure:that you can address a lady in private, and deny it in public: that youhave one story for us, and another for my daughter. 

MARLOW. Daughter!--This lady your daughter?

HARDCASTLE. Yes, sir, my only daughter; my Kate; whose else should shebe?

MARLOW. Oh, the devil!

MISS HARDCASTLE. Yes, sir, that very identical tall squinting lady youwere pleased to take me for (courtseying); she that you addressed asthe mild, modest, sentimental man of gravity, and the bold, forward, agreeable Rattle of the Ladies' Club. Ha! ha! ha!

MARLOW. Zounds! there's no bearing this; it's worse than death!

MISS HARDCASTLE. In which of your characters, sir, will you give usleave to address you? As the faltering gentleman, with looks on theground, that speaks just to be heard, and hates hypocrisy; or the loudconfident creature, that keeps it up with Mrs. Mantrap, and old MissBiddy Buckskin, till three in the morning? Ha! ha! ha!

MARLOW. O, curse on my noisy head. I never attempted to be impudentyet, that I was not taken down. I must be gone. 

HARDCASTLE. By the hand of my body, but you shall not. I see it wasall a mistake, and I am rejoiced to find it. You shall not, sir, Itell you. I know she'll forgive you. Won't you forgive him, Kate?We'll all forgive you. Take courage, man. (They retire, shetormenting him, to the back scene. )

Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE and Tony. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. So, so, they're gone off. Let them go, I care not. 

HARDCASTLE. Who gone?

MRS. HARDCASTLE. My dutiful niece and her gentleman, Mr. Hastings, from town. He who came down with our modest visitor here. 

SIR CHARLES. Who, my honest George Hastings? As worthy a fellow aslives, and the girl could not have made a more prudent choice. 

HARDCASTLE. Then, by the hand of my body, I'm proud of the connexion. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Well, if he has taken away the lady, he has nottaken her fortune; that remains in this family to console us for herloss. 

HARDCASTLE. Sure, Dorothy, you would not be so mercenary?

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Ay, that's my affair, not yours. 

HARDCASTLE. But you know if your son, when of age, refuses to marryhis cousin, her whole fortune is then at her own disposal. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Ay, but he's not of age, and she has not thoughtproper to wait for his refusal. 

Enter HASTINGS and MISS NEVILLE. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. (Aside. ) What, returned so soon! I begin not tolike it. 

HASTINGS. (To HARDCASTLE. ) For my late attempt to fly off with yourniece let my present confusion be my punishment. We are now come back, to appeal from your justice to your humanity. By her father's consent, I first paid her my addresses, and our passions were first founded induty. 

MISS NEVILLE. Since his death, I have been obliged to stoop todissimulation to avoid oppression. In an hour of levity, I was readyto give up my fortune to secure my choice. But I am now recovered fromthe delusion, and hope from your tenderness what is denied me from anearer connexion. 

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Pshaw, pshaw! this is all but the whining end of amodern novel. 

HARDCASTLE. Be it what it will, I'm glad they're come back to reclaimtheir due. Come hither, Tony, boy. Do you refuse this lady's handwhom I now offer you?

TONY. What signifies my refusing? You know I can't refuse her tillI'm of age, father. 

HARDCASTLE. While I thought concealing your age, boy, was likely toconduce to your improvement, I concurred with your mother's desire tokeep it secret. But since I find she turns it to a wrong use, I mustnow declare you have been of age these three months. 

TONY. Of age! Am I of age, father?

HARDCASTLE. Above three months. 

TONY. Then you'll see the first use I'll make of my liberty. (TakingMISS NEVILLE's hand. ) Witness all men by these presents, that I, Anthony Lumpkin, Esquire, of BLANK place, refuse you, ConstantiaNeville, spinster, of no place at all, for my true and lawful wife. SoConstance Neville may marry whom she pleases, and Tony Lumpkin is hisown man again. 

SIR CHARLES. O brave 'squire!

HASTINGS. My worthy friend!

MRS. HARDCASTLE. My undutiful offspring!

MARLOW. Joy, my dear George! I give you joy sincerely. And could Iprevail upon my little tyrant here to be less arbitrary, I should bethe happiest man alive, if you would return me the favour. 

HASTINGS. (To MISS HARDCASTLE. ) Come, madam, you are now driven tothe very last scene of all your contrivances. I know you like him, I'msure he loves you, and you must and shall have him. 

HARDCASTLE. (Joining their hands. ) And I say so too. And, Mr. Marlow, if she makes as good a wife as she has a daughter, I don'tbelieve you'll ever repent your bargain. So now to supper. To-morrowwe shall gather all the poor of the parish about us, and the mistakesof the night shall be crowned with a merry morning. So, boy, take her;and as you have been mistaken in the mistress, my wish is, that you maynever be mistaken in the wife. [Exeunt Omnes. ]