A TRIP TO SCARBOROUGH

_A COMEDY_

DRAMATIS PERSONÆ

AS ORIGINALLY ACTED AT DRURY LANE THEATRE IN 1777

 LORD FOPPINGTON _Mr. Dodd. _ SIR TUNBELLY CLUMSY _Mr. Moody. _ COLONEL TOWNLY _Mr. Brereton. _ LOVELESS _Mr. Smith. _ TOM FASHION _Mr. J. Palmer. _ LA VAROLE _Mr. Burton. _ LORY _Mr. Baddeley. _ PROBE _Mr. Parsons. _ MENDLEGS _Mr. Norris. _ JEWELLER _Mr. Lamash_ SHOEMAKER _Mr. Carpenter. _ TAILOR _Mr. Parker. _ AMANDA _Mrs. Robinson. _ BERINTHIA _Miss Farren. _ MISS HOYDEN _Mrs. Abington. _ MRS. COUPLER _Mrs. Booth. _ NURSE _Mrs. Bradshaw. _

Sempstress, Postilion, Maid, _and_ Servants. 

SCENE--SCARBOROUGH AND ITS NEIGHBOURHOOD. 

PROLOGUESPOKEN BY MR. KING

 What various transformations we remark, From east Whitechapel to the west Hyde Park! Men, women, children, houses, signs, and fashions, State, stage, trade, taste, the humours and the passions; The Exchange, 'Change Alley, wheresoe'er you're ranging, Court, city, country, all are changed or changing The streets, some time ago, were paved with stones, Which, aided by a hackney-coach, half broke your bones. The purest lovers then indulged in bliss; They ran great hazard if they stole a kiss. One chaste salute!--the damsel cried--Oh, fie! As they approach'd--slap went the coach awry-- Poor Sylvia got a bump, and Damon a black eye. 

 But now weak nerves in hackney-coaches roam, And the cramm'd glutton snores, unjolted, home; Of former times, that polish'd thing a beau, Is metamorphosed now from top to toe; Then the full flaxen wig, spread o'er the shoulders, Conceal'd the shallow head from the beholders. But now the whole's reversed--each fop appears, Cropp'd and trimm'd up, exposing head and ears: The buckle then its modest limits knew, Now, like the ocean, dreadful to the view, Hath broke its bounds, and swallowed up the shoe: The wearer's foot like his once fine estate, Is almost lost, the encumbrance is so great. Ladies may smile--are they not in the plot? The bounds of nature have not they forgot? Were they design'd to be, when put together, Made up, like shuttlecocks, of cork and feather? Their pale-faced grandmammas appeared with grace When dawning blushes rose upon the face; No blushes now their once-loved station seek; The foe is in possession of the cheek! No heads of old, too high in feather'd state, Hinder'd the fair to pass the lowest gate; A church to enter now, they must be bent, If ever they should try the experiment. As change thus circulates throughout the nation, Some plays may justly call for alteration; At least to draw some slender covering o'er, That _graceless wit_ [Footnote: "And _Van_ wants grace, who never wanted wit. "--POPE. ] which was too bare before: Those writers well and wisely use their pens, Who turn our wantons into Magdalens; And howsoever wicked wits revile 'em, We hope to find in you their stage asylum. 

 * * * * *

ACT I. 

SCENE I. --_The Hall of an Inn_. _Enter TOM FASHION and LORY, POSTILION following with aportmanteau_. _Fash_. Lory, pay the postboy, and take the portmanteau. _Lory. [Aside to TOM FASHION_. ] Faith, sir, we had betterlet the postboy take the portmanteau and pay himself. _Fash. [Aside to LORY_. ] Why, sure, there's something leftin it!_Lory_. Not a rag, upon my honour, sir! We eat the last ofyour wardrobe at New Malton--and, if we had had twenty milesfurther to go, our next meal must have been of the cloak-bag. _Fash_. Why, 'sdeath, it appears full!_Lory_. Yes, sir--I made bold to stuff it with hay, to saveappearances, and look like baggage. _Fash. [Aside_. ] What the devil shall I do?--[_Aloud_. ]Hark'ee, boy, what's the chaise?_Post_. Thirteen shillings, please your honour. _Fash_. Can you give me change for a guinea?_Post_. Oh, yes, sir. _Lory. [Aside_. ] So, what will he do now?--[_Aloud_. ]Lord, sir, you had better let the boy be paid below. _Fash_. Why, as you say, Lory, I believe it will be as well. _Lory_. Yes, yes, I'll tell them to discharge you below, honest friend. _Post_. Please your honour, there are the turnpikes too. _Fash_. Ay, ay, the turnpikes by all means. _Post_. And I hope your honour will order me something formyself. _Fash_. To be sure; bid them give you a crown. _Lory_. Yes, yes--my master doesn't care what you chargethem--so get along, you--_Post_. And there's the ostler, your honour. _Lory_. Psha! damn the ostler!--would you impose upon thegentleman's generosity?--[_Pushes him out_. ] A rascal, to beso cursed ready with his change!_Fash_. Why, faith, Lory, he had nearly posed me. _Lory_. Well, sir, we are arrived at Scarborough, not wortha guinea! I hope you'll own yourself a happy man--you haveoutlived all your cares. _Fash_. How so, sir?_Lory_. Why, you have nothing left to take care of. _Fash_. Yes, sirrah, I have myself and you to take care ofstill. _Lory_. Sir, if you could prevail with somebody else to dothat for you, I fancy we might both fare the better for it. Butnow, sir, for my Lord Foppington, your elder brother. _Fash_. Damn my eldest brother. _Lory_. With all my heart; but get him to redeem yourannuity, however. Look you, sir; you must wheedle him, or youmust starve. _Fash_. Look you, sir; I would neither wheedle him, norstarve. _Lory_. Why, what will you do, then?_Fash_. Cut his throat, or get someone to do it for me. _Lory_. Gad so, sir, I'm glad to find I was not so wellacquainted with the strength of your conscience as with theweakness of your purse. _Fash_. Why, art thou so impenetrable a blockhead as tobelieve he'll help me with a farthing?_Lory_. Not if you treat him _de haut en bas_, as youused to do. _Fash_. Why, how wouldst have me treat him?_Lory_. Like a trout--tickle him. _Fash_. I can't flatter. _Lory_. Can you starve?_Fash_. Yes. _Lory_. I can't. Good by t'ye, sir. _Fash_. Stay--thou'lt distract me. But who comes here? Myold friend, Colonel Townly. _Enter_ COLONEL TOWNLY. My dear Colonel, I am rejoiced to meet you here. _Col. Town_. Dear Tom, this is an unexpected pleasure! What, are you come to Scarborough to be present at your brother'swedding?_Lory_. Ah, sir, if it had been his funeral, we should havecome with pleasure. _Col. Town_. What, honest Lory, are you with your masterstill?_Lory_. Yes, sir; I have been starving with him ever since Isaw your honour last. _Fash_. Why, Lory is an attached rogue; there's no gettingrid of him. _Lory_. True, sir, as my master says, there's no seducing mefrom his service. --[_Aside_. ] Till he's able to pay me mywages. _Fash_. Go, go, sir, and take care of the baggage. _Lory_. Yes, sir, the baggage!--O Lord! [_Takes up theportmanteau_. ] I suppose, sir, I must charge the landlord tobe very particular where he stows this?_Fash_. Get along, you rascal. --[_Exit_ LORY _withthe portmanteau_. ] But, Colonel, are you acquainted with myproposed sister-in-law?_Col. Town_. Only by character. Her father, Sir TunbellyClumsy, lives within a quarter of a mile of this place, in alonely old house, which nobody comes near. She never goes abroad, nor sees company at home; to prevent all misfortunes, she has herbreeding within doors; the parson of the parish teaches her toplay upon the dulcimer, the clerk to sing, her nurse to dress, and her father to dance;--in short, nobody has free admissionthere but our old acquaintance, Mother Coupler, who has procuredyour brother this match, and is, I believe, a distant relation ofSir Tunbelly's. _Fash_. But is her fortune so considerable?_Col. Town_. Three thousand a year, and a good sum of money, independent of her father, beside. _Fash_. 'Sdeath! that my old acquaintance, Dame Coupler, could not have thought of me, as well as my brother, for such aprize. _Col. Town_. Egad, I wouldn't swear that you are too late--his lordship, I know, hasn't yet seen the lady--and, I believe, has quarrelled with his patroness. _Fash_. My dear Colonel, what an idea have you started!_Col. Town_. Pursue it, if you can, and I promise you shallhave my assistance; for, besides my natural contempt for hislordship, I have at present the enmity of a rival towards him. _Fash_. What, has he been addressing your old flame, thewidow Berinthia?_Col. Town_. Faith, Tom, I am at present most whimsicallycircumstanced. I came here a month ago to meet the lady youmention; but she failing in her promise, I, partly from pique andpartly from idleness, have been diverting my chagrin by offeringup incense to the beauties of Amanda, our friend Loveless's wife. _Fash_. I never have seen her, but have heard her spoken ofas a youthful wonder of beauty and prudence. _Col. Town_. She is so indeed; and, Loveless being toocareless and insensible of the treasure he possesses, my lodgingin the same house has given me a thousand opportunities of makingmy assiduities acceptable; so that, in less than a fortnight, Ibegan to bear my disappointment from the widow with the mostChristian resignation. _Fash_. And Berinthia has never appeared?_Col. Town_. Oh, there's the perplexity! for, just as Ibegan not to care whether I ever saw her again or not, last nightshe arrived. _Fash_. And instantly resumed her empire. _Col. Town_. No, faith--we met--but, the lady notcondescending to give me any serious reasons for having fooled mefor a month, I left her in a huff. _Fash_. Well, well, I'll answer for it she'll soon resumeher power, especially as friendship will prevent your pursuingthe other too far. --But my coxcomb of a brother is an admirer ofAmanda's too, is he?_Col. Town_. Yes, and I believe is most heartily despised byher. But come with me, and you shall see her and your old friendLoveless. Fash. I must pay my respects to his lordship--perhaps you candirect me to his lodgings. _Col. Town. _ Come with me; I shall pass by it. _Fash. _ I wish you could pay this visit for me, or couldtell me what I should say to him. _Col. Town. _ Say nothing to him--apply yourself to his bag, his sword, his feather, his snuff-box; and when you are well withthem, desire him to lend you a thousand pounds, and I'll engageyou prosper. _Fash. _ 'Sdeath and furies! why was that coxcomb thrust intothe world before me? O Fortune, Fortune, thou art a jilt, by Gad![_Exeunt. _

SCENE II. --LORD FOPPINGTON'S _Dressing-room. __Enter_ LORD FOPPINGTON _in his dressing-gown, and_ LAVAROLE. _Lord Fop. _ [_Aside. _] Well, 'tis an unspeakablepleasure to be a man of quality--strike me dumb! Even the boorsof this northern spa have learned the respect due to a title. --[_Aloud. _] La Varole!_La Var. _ Milor--_Lord Fop. _ You ha'n't yet been at Muddymoat Hall, toannounce my arrival, have you?_La Var. _ Not yet, milor. _Lord Fop. _ Then you need not go till Saturday-[_Exit_LA VAROLE] as I am in no particular haste to view my intendedsposa. I shall sacrifice a day or two more to the pursuit of myfriend Loveless's wife. Amanda is a charming creature--strike meugly! and, if I have any discernment in the world, she thinks noless of my Lord Foppington. _Re-enter_ LA VAROLE. _La Var. _ Milor, de shoemaker, de tailor, de hosier, desempstress, de peru, be all ready, if your lordship please todress. _Lord Fop. _ 'Tis well, admit them. _La Var. _ Hey, messieurs, entrez!_Enter_ TAILOR, SHOEMAKER, SEMPSTRESS, JEWELLER, _and_MENDLEGS. _Lord Fop. _ So, gentlemen, I hope you have all taken painsto show yourselves masters in your professions?_Tai_. I think I may presume, sir--_La Var_. Milor, you clown, you!_Tai_. My lord--I ask your lordship's--pardon, my lord. Ihope, my lord, your lordship will be pleased to own I havebrought your lordship as accomplished a suit of clothes as everpeer of England wore, my lord--will your lordship please to view'em now?_Lord Fop_. Ay; but let my people dispose the glasses sothat I may see myself before and behind; for I love to see myselfall round. [_Puts on his clothes_. ]_Enter_ TOM FASHION _and_ LORY. _They remain behind, conversing apart_. _Fash_. Heyday! what the devil have we here? Sure mygentleman's grown a favourite at court, he has got so many peopleat his levee. _Lory_. Sir, these people come in order to make him afavourite at court--they are to establish him with the ladies. _Fash_. Good Heaven! to what an ebb of taste are womenfallen, that it should be in the power of a laced coat torecommend a gallant to them?_Lory_. Sir, tailors and hair-dressers debauch all thewomen. _Fash_. Thou sayest true. But now for my reception. _Lord Fop_. [_To_ TAILOR. ] Death and eternal tortures!Sir--I say the coat is too wide here by a foot. _Tai_. My lord, if it had been tighter, 'twould neither havehooked nor buttoned. _Lord Fop_. Rat the hooks and buttons, sir! Can any thing beworse than this? As Gad shall jedge me, it hangs on my shoulderslike a chairman's surtout. _Tai_. 'Tis not for me to dispute your lordship's fancy. _Lory_. There, sir, observe what respect does. _Fash_. Respect! damn him for a coxcomb!--But let's accosthim. --[_Coming forward_. ] Brother, I'm your humble servant. _Lord Fop_. O Lard, Tam! I did not expect you in England. --Brother, I'm glad to see you. --But what has brought you toScarborough, Tam!--[_To the_ TAILOR. ] Look you, sir, Ishall never be reconciled to this nauseous wrapping-gown, therefore pray get me another suit with all possible expedition;for this is my eternal aversion. --[_Exit_ TAILOR. ] Wellbut, Tam, you don't tell me what has driven you to Scarborough. --Mrs. Calico, are not you of my mind?_Semp_. Directly, my lord. --I hope your lordship is pleasedwith your ruffles?_Lord Fop_. In love with them, stap my vitals!--Bring mybill, you shall be paid to-morrow. _Semp_. I humbly thank your worship. [Exit. ]_Lord Fop_. Hark thee, shoemaker, these shoes aren't ugly, but they don't fit me. _Shoe_. My lord, I think they fit you very well. _Lord Fop_. They hurt me just below the instep. _Shoe_. [_Feels his foot_. ] No, my lord, they don'thurt you there. _Lord Fop_. I tell thee they pinch me execrably. _Shoe_. Why then, my lord, if those shoes pinch you, I'll bedamned. _Lord Fop_. Why, will thou undertake to persuade me I cannotfeel?_Shoe_. Your lordship may please to feel what you think fit, but that shoe does not hurt you--I think I understand my trade. _Lord Fop_. Now, by all that's good and powerful, thou artan incomprehensive coxcomb!--but thou makest good shoes, and soI'll bear with thee. _Shoe_. My lord, I have worked for half the people ofquality in this town these twenty years, and 'tis very hard Ishouldn't know when a shoe hurts, and when it don't. _Lord Fop_. Well, pr'ythee be gone about thy business. --[_Exit_ SHOEMAKER. ] Mr. Mendlegs, a word with you. --Thecalves of these stockings are thickened a little too much; theymake my legs look like a porter's. _Mend_. My lord, methinks they look mighty well. _Lord Fop_. Ay, but you are not so good a judge of thosethings as I am--I have studied them all my life--therefore praylet the next be the thickness of a crown-piece less. _Mend_. Indeed, my lord, they are the same kind I had thehonour to furnish your lordship with in town. _Lord Fop_. Very possibly, Mr. Mendlegs; but that was in thebeginning of the winter, and you should always remember, Mr. Hosier, that if you make a nobleman's spring legs as robust ashis autumnal calves, you commit a monstrous impropriety, and makeno allowance Tor the fatigues of the winter. [_Exit--_MENDLEGS. ]_Jewel_. I hope, my lord, these buckles have had theunspeakable satisfaction of being honoured with your lordship'sapprobation?_Lord Fop_. Why, they are of a pretty fancy; but don't youthink them rather of the smallest?_Jewel_. My lord, they could not well be larger, to keep onyour lordship's shoe. _Lord Fop_. My good sir, you forget that these matters arenot as they used to be; formerly, indeed, the buckle was a sortof machine, intended to keep on the shoe; but the case is nowquite reversed, and the shoe is of no earthly use, but to keep onthe buckle. --Now give me my watches [SERVANT _fetches thewatches_, ] my chapeau, [SERVANT _brings a dress hat_, ] myhandkerchief, [SERVANT _pours some scented liquor on ahandkerchief and brings it_, ] my snuff-box [SERVANT _bringssnuff-box_. ] There, now the business of the morning is prettywell over. [_Exit_ JEWELLER. ]_Fash_. [_Aside to_ LORY. ] Well, Lory, what dost thinkon't?--a very friendly reception from a brother, after threeyears' absence!_Lory_. [_Aside to_ TOM FASHION. ] Why, sir, 'tis yourown fault--here you have stood ever since you came in, and havenot commended any one thing that belongs to him. [SERVANTS _allgo off. _]_Fash_. [_Aside to_ LORY. ] Nor ever shall, while theybelong to a coxcomb. --[_To_ LORD FOPPINGTON. ] Now yourpeople of business are gone, brother, I hope I may obtain aquarter of an hour's audience of you?_Lord Fop_. Faith, Tam, I must beg you'll excuse me at thistime, for I have an engagement which I would not break for thesalvation of mankind. --Hey!--there!--is my carriage at the door?--You'll excuse me, brother. [_Going_. ]_Fash_. Shall you be back to dinner?_Lord Fop_. As Gad shall jedge me, I can't tell; for it ispassible I may dine with some friends at Donner's. _Fash_. Shall I meet you there? For I must needs talk withyou. _Lord Fop_. That I'm afraid mayn't be quite so praper; forthose I commonly eat with are people of nice conversation; andyou know, Tam, your education has been a little at large. --Butthere are other ordinaries in town--very good beef ordinaries--Isuppose, Tam, you can eat beef?--However, dear Tam, I'm glad tosee thee in England, stap my vitals![_Exit_, LA VAROLE _following_. ]_Fash_. Hell and furies! is this to be borne?_Lory_. Faith, sir, I could almost have given him a knock o'the pate myself. _Fash_. 'Tis enough; I will now show you the excess of mypassion, by being very calm. --Come, Lory, lay your loggerhead tomine, and, in cold blood, let us contrive his destruction. _Lory_. Here comes a head, sir, would contrive it betterthan both our loggerheads, if she would but join in theconfederacy. _Fash_. By this light, Madam Coupler! she seems dissatisfiedat something: let us observe her. _Enter_ MRS. COUPLER. _Mrs. Coup_. So! I am likely to be well rewarded for myservices, truly; my suspicions, I find, were but too just. --What! refuse to advance me a petty sum, when I am upon the pointof making him master of a galleon! but let him look to theconsequences; an ungrateful, narrow-minded coxcomb. _Fash_. So he is, upon my soul, old lady; it must be mybrother you speak of. _Mrs. Coup_. Ha! stripling, how came you here? What, hastspent all, eh? And art thou come to dun his lordship forassistance?_Fash_. No, I want somebody's assistance to cut hislordship's throat, without the risk of being hanged for him. _Mrs. Coup_. Egad, sirrah, I could help thee to do himalmost as good a turn, without the danger of being burned in thehand for't. _Fash_. How--how, old Mischief?_Mrs. Coup_. Why, you must know I have done you the kindnessto make up a match for your brother. _Fash_. I am very much beholden to you, truly!_Mrs. Coup_. You may be before the wedding-day, yet: thelady is a great heiress, the match is concluded, the writings aredrawn, and his lordship is come hither to put the finishing handto the business. _Fash_. I understand as much. _Mrs. Coup_. Now, you must know, stripling, your brother's aknave. _Fash_. Good. _Mrs. Coup_. He has given me a bond of a thousand pounds forhelping him to this fortune, and has promised me as much more, inready money, upon the day of the marriage; which, I understand bya friend, he never designs to pay me; and his just now refusingto pay me a part is a proof of it. If, therefore, you will be agenerous young rogue, and secure me five thousand pounds, I'llhelp you to the lady. _Fash_. And how the devil wilt thou do that?_Mrs. Coup_. Without the devil's aid, I warrant thee. Thybrother's face not one of the family ever saw; the whole businesshas been managed by me, and all his letters go through my hands. Sir Tunbelly Clumsy, my relation--for that's the old gentleman'sname--is apprised of his lordship's being down here, and expectshim to-morrow to receive his daughter's hand; but the peer, Ifind, means to bait here a few days longer, to recover thefatigue of his journey, I suppose. Now you shall go to MuddymoatHall in his place. --I'll give you a letter of introduction: andif you don't marry the girl before sunset, you deserve to behanged before morning. _Fash_. Agreed! agreed! and for thy reward--_Mrs. Coup_. Well, well;--though I warrant thou hast not afarthing of money in thy pocket now--no--one may see it in thyface. _Fash_. Not a sous, by Jupiter!_Mrs. Coup_. Must I advance, then? Well, be at my lodgings, next door, this evening, and I'll see what may be done--we'llsign and seal, and when I have given thee some furtherinstructions, thou shalt hoist sail and be one. [_Exit_. ]_Fash_. So, Lory, Fortune, thou seest, at last takes care ofmerit! we are in a fair way to be great people. _Lory_. Ay, sir, if the devil don't step between the cup andthe lip, as he used to do. _Fash_. Why, faith, he has played me many a damned trick tospoil my fortune; and, egad, I am almost afraid he's at workabout it again now; but if I should tell thee how, thou'dstwonder at me. _Lory_. Indeed, sir, I should not. _Fash_. How dost know?_Lory_. Because, sir, I have wondered at you so often, I canwonder at you no more. _Fash_. No! what wouldst thou say, if a qualm of conscienceshould spoil my design?_Lory_. I would eat my words, and wonder more than ever. _Fash_. Why faith, Lory, though I have played many a roguishtrick, this is so full-grown a cheat, I find I must take pains tocome up to't--I have scruples. _Lory_. They are strong symptoms of death. If you find theyincrease, sir, pray make your will. _Fash_. No, my conscience shan't starve me neither: but thusfar I'll listen to it. Before I execute this project, I'll try mybrother to the bottom. If he has yet so much humanity about himas to assist me--though with a moderate aid--I'll drop my projectat his feet, and show him how I can do for him much more thanwhat I'd ask he'd do for me. This one conclusive trial of him Iresolve to make. 

 Succeed or fail, still victory is my lot; If I subdue his heart, 'tis well--if not, I will subdue my conscience to my plot. 

[_Exeunt_. ]

ACT II. 

SCENE I. --LOVELESS'S _Lodgings_. _Enter_ LOVELESS _and_ AMANDA. _Love_. How do you like these lodgings, my dear? For mypart, I am so pleased with them, I shall hardly remove whilst westay here, if you are satisfied. _Aman_. I am satisfied with everything that pleases you, else I had not come to Scarborough at all. _Love_. Oh, a little of the noise and folly of this placewill sweeten the pleasures of our retreat; we shall find thecharms of our retirement doubled when we return to it. _Aman_. That pleasing prospect will be my chiefestentertainment, whilst, much against my will, I engage in thoseempty pleasures which 'tis so much the fashion to be fond of. _Love_. I own most of them are, indeed, but empty; yet thereare delights of which a private life is destitute, which maydivert an honest man, and be a harmless entertainment to avirtuous woman: good music is one; and truly (with some smallallowance) the plays, I think, may be esteemed another. _Aman_. Plays, I must confess, have some small charms. Whatdo you think of that you saw last night?_Love_. To say truth, I did not mind it much--my attentionwas for some time taken off to admire the workmanship of Naturein the face of a young lady who sat at some distance from me, shewas so exquisitely handsome. _Aman_. So exquisitely handsome!_Love_. Why do you repeat my words, my dear?_Aman_. Because you seemed to speak them with such pleasure, I thought I might oblige you with their echo. _Love_. Then you are alarmed, Amanda?_Aman_. It is my duty to be so when you are in danger. _Love_. You are too quick in apprehending for me. I viewedher with a world of admiration, but not one glance of love. _Aman_. Take heed of trusting to such nice distinctions. Butwere your eyes the only things that were inquisitive? Had I beenin your place, my tongue, I fancy, had been curious too. I shouldhave asked her where she lived--yet still without design--who wasshe, pray?_Love_. Indeed I cannot tell. _Aman_. You will not tell. _Love_. Upon my honour, then, I did not ask. _Aman_. Nor do you know what company was with her?_Love_. I do not. But why are you so earnest?_Aman_. I thought I had cause. _Love_. But you thought wrong, Amanda; for turn the case, and let it be your story: should you come home and tell me youhad seen a handsome man, should I grow jealous because you hadeyes?_Aman_. But should I tell you he was exquisitely so, andthat I had gazed on him with admiration, should you not think'twere possible I might go one step further, and inquire hisname?_Love_. [_Aside_. ] She has reason on her side; I havetalked too much; but I must turn off another way. --[_Aloud_. ] Will you then make no difference, Amanda, betweenthe language of our sex and yours? There is a modesty restrainsyour tongues, which makes you speak by halves when you commend;but roving flattery gives a loose to ours, which makes us stillspeak double what we think. _Enter_ SERVANT. _Ser_. Madam, there is a lady at the door in a chair desiresto know whether your ladyship sees company; her name isBerinthia. _Aman_. Oh dear! 'tis a relation I have not seen these fiveyears; pray her to walk in. --[_Exit_ SERVANT. ] Here'sanother beauty for you; she was, when I saw her last, reckonedextremely handsome. _Love_. Don't be jealous now; for I shall gaze upon her too. _Enter_ BERINTHIA. Ha! by heavens, the very woman! [_Aside_. ]_Ber_. [_Salutes_ AMANDA. ] Dear Amanda, I did notexpect to meet you in Scarborough. _Aman_. Sweet cousin, I'm overjoyed to see you. --Mr. Loveless, here's a relation and a friend of mine, I desire you'llbe better acquainted with. _Love_. [_Salutes_ BERINTHIA. ] If my wife never desiresa harder thing, madam, her request will be easily granted. _Re-enter_ SERVANT. _Ser_. Sir, my Lord Foppington presents his humble serviceto you, and desires to know how you do. He's at the next door;and, if it be not inconvenient to you, he'll come and wait uponyou. _Love_. Give my compliments to his lordship, and I shall beglad to see him. --[_Exit_ SERVANT. ] If you are notacquainted with his lordship, madam, you will be entertained withhis character. _Aman_. Now it moves my pity more than my mirth to see a manwhom nature has made no fool be so very industrious to pass foran ass. _Love_. No, there you are wrong, Amanda; you should neverbestow your pity upon those who take pains for your contempt:pity those whom nature abuses, never those who abuse nature. _Enter_ LORD FOPPINGTON. _Lord Fop_. Dear Loveless, I am your most humble servant. _Love_. My lord, I'm yours. _Lord Fop_. Madam, your ladyship's very obedient slave. _Love_. My lord, this lady is a relation of my wife's. _Lord Fop_. [_Salutes_ BERINTHIA. ] The beautifullestrace of people upon earth, rat me! Dear Loveless, I am overjoyedthat you think of continuing here: I am, stap my vitals!--[_To_ AMANDA. ] For Gad's sake, madam, how has your ladyshipbeen able to subsist thus long, under the fatigue of a countrylife?_Aman_. My life has been very far from that, my lord; it hasbeen a very quiet one. _Lord Fop_. Why, that's the fatigue I speak of, madam; for'tis impossible to be quiet without thinking: now thinking is tome the greatest fatigue in the world. _Aman_. Does not your lordship love reading, then?_Lord Fop_. Oh, passionately, madam; but I never think ofwhat I read. For example, madam, my life is a perpetual stream ofpleasure, that glides through with such a variety ofentertainments, I believe the wisest of our ancestors never hadthe least conception of any of 'em. I rise, madam, when in town, about twelve o'clock. I don't rise sooner, because it is theworst thing in the world for the complexion: not that I pretendto be a beau; but a man must endeavour to look decent, lest hemakes so odious a figure in the side-bax, the ladies should becompelled to turn their eyes upon the play. So at twelve o'clock, I say, I rise. Naw, if I find it is a good day, I resalve to takethe exercise of riding; so drink my chocolate, and draw on myboots by two. On my return, I dress; and, after dinner, loungeperhaps to the opera. _Ber_. Your lordship, I suppose, is fond of music?_Lord Fop_. Oh, passionately, on Tuesdays and Saturdays; forthen there is always the best company, and one is not expected toundergo the fatigue of listening. _Aman_. Does your lordship think that the case at the opera?_Lord Fop_. Most certainly, madam. There is my Lady Tattle, my Lady Prate, my Lady Titter, my Lady Sneer, my Lady Giggle, andmy Lady Grin--these have boxes in the front, and while anyfavourite air is singing, are the prettiest company in thewaurld, stap my vitals!--Mayn't we hope for the honour to see youadded to our society, madam?_Aman_. Alas! my lord, I am the worst company in the worldat a concert, I'm so apt to attend to the music. _Lord Fop_. Why, madam, that is very pardonable in thecountry or at church, but a monstrous inattention in a politeassembly. But I am afraid I tire the company?_Love_. Not at all. Pray go on. _Lord Fop_. Why then, ladies, there only remains to add, that I generally conclude the evening at one or other of theclubs; nat that I ever play deep; indeed I have been for sometime tied up from losing above five thousand paunds at a sitting. _Love_. But isn't your lordship sometimes obliged to attendthe weighty affairs of the nation?_Lord Fop_. Sir, as to weighty affairs, I leave them toweighty heads; I never intend mine shall be a burden to my body. _Ber. _ Nay, my lord, but you are a pillar of the state. _Lord Fop_. An ornamental pillar, madam; for sooner thanundergo any part of the fatigue, rat me, but the whole buildingshould fall plump to the ground!_Aman_. But, my lord, a fine gentleman spends a great dealof his time in his intrigues; you have given us no account ofthem yet. _Lord Fop. _ [_Aside_. ] So! she would inquire into myamours--that's jealousy, poor soul!--I see she's in love withme. --[_Aloud_. ] O Lord, madam, I had like to have forgot asecret I must need tell your ladyship. --Ned, you must not be sojealous now as to listen. _Love. _ [_Leading_ BERINTHIA _up the stage_. ] NotI, my lord; I am too fashionable a husband to pry into thesecrets of my wife. _Lord Fop. _ [_Aside to_ AMANDA _squeezing herhand_. ] I am in love with you to desperation, strike mespeechless!_Aman. _ [_Strikes him on the ear_. ] Then thus I returnyour passion. --An impudent fool!_Lord Fop_. God's curse, madam, I am a peer of the realm!_Love_. [_Hastily returning_. ] Hey! what the devil, doyou affront my wife, sir? Nay, then--[_Draws. They fight. _]_Aman_. What has my folly done?--Help! murder! help! Partthem for Heaven's sake. _Lord Fop_. [_Falls back and leans on his sword. _] Ah!quite through the body, stap my vitals!_Enter_ SERVANTS. _Love_. [_Runs to_ LORD FOPPINGTON. ] I hope I ha'ntkilled the fool, however. Bear him up. --Call a surgeon there. _Lord Fop_. Ay, pray make haste. [_Exit_ SERVANT. _Love_. This mischief you may thank yourself for. _Lord Fop_. I may say so; love's the devil indeed, Ned. _Re-enter_ SERVANT, _with_ PROBE. _Ser_. Here's Mr. Probe, sir, was just going by the door. _Lord Fop_. He's the welcomest man alive. _Probe_. Stand by, stand by, stand by; pray, gentlemen, stand by. Lord have mercy upon us, did you never see a man runthrough the body before?--Pray stand by. _Lord Fop_. Ah, Mr. Probe, I'm a dead man. _Probe_. A dead man, and I by! I should laugh to see that, egad. _Love_. Pr'ythee don't stand prating, but look upon hiswound. _Probe_. Why, what if I don't look upon his wound this hour, sir?_Love_. Why, then he'll bleed to death, sir. _Probe_. Why, then I'll fetch him to life again, sir. _Love_. 'Slife! he's run through the body, I tell thee. _Probe_. I wish he was run through the heart, and I shouldget the more credit by his cure. Now I hope you are satisfied?Come, now let me come at him--now let me come at him. --[_Viewing his wound. _] Oops I what a gash is here! why, sir, a man may drive a coach and six horses into your body. _Lord Fop_. Oh!_Probe_. Why, what the devil have you run the gentlemanthrough with--a scythe?--[_Aside_. ] A little scratch betweenthe skin and the ribs, that's all. _Love_. Let me see his wound. _Probe_. Then you shall dress it, sir; for if anybody looksupon it I won't. _Love_. Why, thou art the veriest coxcomb I ever saw!_Probe_. Sir, I am not master of my trade for nothing. _Lord Fop_. Surgeon!_Probe_. Sir. _Lord Fop_. Are there any hopes?_Probe_. Hopes! I can't tell. What are you willing to givefor a cure? _Lord Fop_. Five hundred paunds with pleasure. _Probe_. Why then perhaps there may be hopes; but we mustavoid further delay. --Here, help the gentleman into a chair, andcarry him to my house presently--that's the properest place--[_Aside_. ] to bubble him out of his money. --[_Aloud_. ]Come, a chair--a chair quickly--there, in with him. [SERVANTS_put_ LORD FOPPINGTON _into a chair_. ]_Lord Fop_. Dear Loveless, adieu; if I die, I forgive thee;and if I live, I hope thou wilt do as much by me. I am sorry youand I should quarrel, but I hope here's an end on't; for if youare satisfied, I am. _Love_. I shall hardly think it worth my prosecuting anyfurther, so you may be at rest, sir. _Lord Fop_. Thou art a generous fellow, strike me dumb!--[_Aside_. ] But thou hast an impertinent wife, stap myvitals!_Probe_. So--carry him off!--carry him off!--We shall havehim into a fever by-and-by. --Carry him off! [_Exit with_LORD FOPPINGTON. ]Enter COLONEL TOWNLY. _Col. Town_. So, so, I am glad to find you all alive. --I meta wounded peer carrying off. For heaven's sake what was thematter?_Love_. Oh, a trifle! he would have made love to my wifebefore my face, so she obliged him with a box o' the ear, and Iran him through the body, that was all. _Col. Town_. Bagatelle on all sides. But pray, madam, howlong has this noble lord been an humble servant of yours?_Aman_. This is the first I have heard on't--so I suppose, 'tis his quality more than his love has brought him into thisadventure. He thinks his title an authentic passport to everywoman's heart below the degree of a peeress. _Col. Town_. He's coxcomb enough to think anything: but Iwould not have you brought into trouble for him. I hope there'sno danger of his life?_Love_. None at all. He's fallen into the hands of a roguishsurgeon, who, I perceive, designs to frighten a little money outof him: but I saw his wound--'tis nothing: he may go to the ballto-night if he pleases. _Col. Town_. I am glad you have corrected him withoutfurther mischief, or you might have deprived me of the pleasureof executing a plot against his lordship, which I have beencontriving with an old acquaintance of yours. _Love_. Explain. _Col. Town_. His brother, Tom Fashion, is come down here, and we have it in contemplation to save him the trouble of hisintended wedding: but we want your assistance. Tom would havecalled but he is preparing for his enterprise, so I promised tobring you to him--so, sir, if these ladies can spare you--_Love_. I'll go with you with all my heart. --[_Aside_. ]Though I could wish, methinks, to stay and gaze a little longeron that creature. Good gods! how engaging she is!--but what haveI to do with beauty? I have already had my portion, and must notcovet more. _Aman_. Mr. Loveless, pray one word with you before you go. [_Exit_ COLONEL TOWNLY. _Love_. What would my dear?_Aman_. Only a woman's foolish question: how do you like mycousin here?_Love_. Jealous already, Amanda?_Aman_. Not at all: I ask you for another reason. _Love_. [_Aside_. ] Whate'er her reason be, I must nottell her true. --[_Aloud_. ] Why, I confess, she's handsome:but you must not think I slight your kinswoman, if I own to you, of all the women who may claim that character, she is the lastthat would triumph in my heart. _Aman_. I'm satisfied. _Love_. Now tell me why you asked?_Aman_. At night I will--adieu!_Love_. I'm yours. [_Kisses her and exit_. ]_Aman_. I'm glad to find he does not like her, for Ihave a great mind to persuade her to come and live with me. [_Aside_. ]_Ber_. So! I find my colonel continues in his airs; theremust be something more at the bottom of this than the provocationhe pretends from me. [_Aside_. ]_Aman_. For Heaven's sake, Berinthia, tell me what way Ishall take to persuade you to come and live with me. _Ber_. Why, one way in the world there is, and but one. _Aman_. And pray what is that?_Ber_. It is to assure me--I shall be very welcome. _Aman_. If that be all, you shall e'en sleep here to-night. _Ber_. To-night. _Aman_. Yes, to-night. _Ber_. Why, the people where I lodge will think me mad. _Aman_. Let 'em think what they please. _Ber_. Say you so, Amanda? Why, then, they shall think whatthey please: for I'm a young widow, and I care not what anybodythinks. --Ah, Amanda, it's a delicious thing to be a young widow!_Aman_. You'll hardly make me think so. _Ber_. Poh! because you are in love with your husband. _Aman_. Pray, 'tis with a world of innocence I would inquirewhether you think those we call women of reputation do reallyescape all other men as they do those shadows of beaux. _Ber_. Oh no, Amanda; there are a sort of men make dreadfulwork amongst 'em, men that may be called the beau's antipathy, for they agree in nothing but walking upon two legs. These havebrains, the beau has none. These are in love with their mistress, the beau with himself. They take care of their reputation, thebeau is industrious to destroy it. They are decent, he's a fop;in short, they are men, he's an ass. _Aman_. If this be their character, I fancy we had here, e'en now, a pattern of 'em both. _Ber_. His lordship and Colonel Townly?_Aman_. The same. _Ber_. As for the lord, he is eminently so; and for theother, I can assure you there's not a man in town who has abetter interest with the women that are worth having an interestwith. _Aman_. He answers the opinion I had ever of him. [_Takesher hand_. ] I must acquaint you with a secret--'tis not thatfool alone has talked to me of love; Townly has been tamperingtoo. _Ber_. [_Aside_. ] So, so! here the mystery comes out!--[_Aloud_. ] Colonel Townly! impossible, my dear!_Aman_. 'Tis true indeed; though he has done it in vain; nordo I think that all the merit of mankind combined could shake thetender love I bear my husband; yet I will own to you, Berinthia, I did not start at his addresses, as when they came from one whomI contemned. _Ber. [Aside_. ] Oh, this is better and better!--[_Aloud_. ] Well said, Innocence! and you really think, mydear, that nothing could abate your constancy and attachment toyour husband?_Aman_. Nothing, I am convinced. _Ber_. What, if you found he loved another woman better?_Aman_. Well!_Ber_. Well!--why, were I that thing they call a slightedwife, somebody should run the risk of being that thing they call--ahusband. Don't I talk madly?_Aman_. Madly indeed!_Ber_. Yet I'm very innocent. _Aman_. That I dare swear you are. I know how to makeallowances for your humour: but you resolve then never to marryagain?_Ber_. Oh no! I resolve I will. _Aman_. How so?_Ber_. That I never may. _Aman_. You banter me. _Ber_. Indeed I don't: but I consider I'm a woman, and formmy resolutions accordingly. _Aman_. Well, my opinion is, form what resolutions you will, matrimony will be the end on't. _Ber_. I doubt it--but a--Heavens! I have business at home, and am half an hour too late. _Aman_. As you are to return with me, I'll just give someorders, and walk with you. _Ber_. Well, make haste, and we'll finish this subject as wego--[_Exit_ AMANDA. ]. Ah, poor Amanda! you have led acountry life. Well, this discovery is lucky! Base Townly! at oncefalse to me and treacherous to his friend!--And my innocent anddemure cousin too! I have it in my power to be revenged on her, however. Her husband, if I have any skill in countenance, wouldbe as happy in my smiles as Townly can hope to be in hers. I'llmake the experiment, come what will on't. The woman who canforgive the being robbed of a favoured lover, must be either anidiot or a wanton. [_Exit_. ]

ACT III. 

SCENE I. --LORD FOPPINGTON's _Lodgings. Enter_ LORD FOPPINGTON, _and_ LA VAROLE. _Lord Fop_. Hey, fellow, let thy vis-a-vis come to the door. _La Var_. Will your lordship venture so soon to exposeyourself to the weather?_Lord Fop_. Sir, I will venture as soon as I can exposemyself to the ladies. _La Var_. I wish your lordship would please to keep house alittle longer; I'm afraid your honour does not well consider yourwound. _Lord Fop_. My wound!--I would not be in eclipse anotherday, though I had as many wounds in my body as I have had in myheart. So mind, Varole, let these cards be left as directed; forthis evening I shall wait on my future father-in-law, SirTunbelly, and I mean to commence my devoirs to the lady, bygiving an entertainment at her father's expense; and hark thee, tell Mr. Loveless I request he and his company will honour mewith their presence, or I shall think we are not friends. _La Var_. I will be sure, milor. [_Exit_. ]_Enter_ TOM FASHION. _Fash_. Brother, your servant; how do you find yourself to-day?_Lord Fop_. So well that I have ardered my coach to thedoor--so there's no danger of death this baut, Tam. _Fash_. I'm very glad of it. _Lord Fop_. [_Aside_. ] That I believe a lie. --[_Aloud_. ] Pr'ythee, Tam, tell me one thing--did not yourheart cut a caper up to your mauth, when you heard I was runthrough the bady?_Fash_. Why do you think it should?_Lord Fop_. Because I remember mine did so when I heard myuncle was shot through the head. _Fash_. It, then, did very ill. _Lord Fop_. Pr'ythee, why so?_Fash_. Because he used you very well. _Lord Fop_. Well!--Naw, strike me dumb! he starved me; hehas let me want a thausand women for want of a thausand paund. _Fash_. Then he hindered you from making a great many illbargains; for I think no woman worth money that will take money. _Lord Fop_. If I was a younger brother I should think sotoo. _Fash_. Then you are seldom much in love?_Lord Fop_. Never, stap my vitals!_Fash_. Why, then, did you make all this bustle aboutAmanda?_Lord Fop_. Because she's a woman of insolent virtue, and Ithought myself piqued in honour to debauch her. _Fash_. Very well. --[_Aside_. ] Here's a rare fellow foryou, to have the spending of ten thousand pounds a year! But nowfor my business with him. --[_Aloud_. ] Brother, though I knowto talk of any business (especially of money) is a theme notquite so entertaining to you as that of the ladies, mynecessities are such, I hope you'll have patience to hear me. _Lord Fop_. The greatness of your necessities, Tam, is theworst argument in the waurld for your being patiently heard. I dobelieve you are going to make a very good speech, but, strike medumb! it has the worst beginning of any speech I have heard thistwelvemonth. _Fash_. I'm sorry you think so. _Lord Fop_. I do believe thou art: but, come, let's know theaffair quickly. _Fash_. Why, then, my case, in a word, is this: thenecessary expenses of my travels have so much exceeded thewretched income of my annuity, that I have been forced tomortgage it for five hundred pounds, which is spent. So unlessyou are so kind as to assist me in redeeming it, I know no remedybut to take a purse. _Lord Fop_. Why, faith, Tam, to give you my sense of thething, I do think taking a purse the best remedy in the waurld;for if you succeed, you are relieved that way, if you are taken[_Drawing his hand round his neck_], you are relievedt'other. _Fash_. I'm glad to see you are in so pleasant a humour; Ihope I shall find the effects on't. _Lord Fop_. Why, do you then really think it a reasonablething, that I should give you five hundred paunds?_Fash_. I do not ask it as a due, brother; I am willing toreceive it as a favour. _Lord Fop_. Then thou art willing to receive it anyhow, strike me speechless! But these are damned times to give moneyin; taxes are so great, repairs so exorbitant, tenants suchrogues, and bouquets so dear, that the devil take me I'm reducedto that extremity in my cash, I have been forced to retrench inthat one article of sweet pawder, till I have brought it down tofive guineas a maunth--now judge, Tam, whether I can spare youfive paunds. _Fash_. If you can't I must starve, that's all. --[_Aside_. ] Damn him!_Lord Fop_. All I can say is, you should have been a betterhusband. _Fash_. Ouns! if you can't live upon ten thousand a year, how do you think I should do't upon two hundred?_Lord Fop_. Don't be in a passion, Tam, for passion is themost unbecoming thing in the waurld--to the face. Look you, Idon't love to say anything to you to make you melancholy, butupon this occasion I must take leave to put you in mind that arunning horse does require more attendance than a coach-horse. Nature has made some difference twixt you and me. _Fash_. Yes--she has made you older. --[_Aside_. ] Plaguetake her. _Lord Fop_. That is not all, Tam. _Fash_. Why, what is there else?_Lord Fop. [_Looks first on himself and then on hisbrother_. ] Ask the ladies. _Fash_. Why, thou essence-bottle, thou musk-cat! dost thouthen think thou hast any advantage over me but what Fortune hasgiven thee?_Lord Fop_. I do, stap my vitals!_Fash_. Now, by all that's great and powerful, thou art theprince of coxcombs!_Lord Fop_. Sir, I am proud at being at the head of soprevailing a party. _Fash_. Will nothing provoke thee?--Draw, coward!_Lord Fop_. Look you, Tam, you know I have always taken youfor a mighty dull fellow, and here is one of the foolishest platsbroke out that I have seen a lang time. Your poverty makes lifeso burdensome to you, you would provoke me to a quarrel, in hopeseither to slip through my lungs into my estate, or to getyourself run through the guts, to put an end to your pain. But Iwill disappoint you in both your designs; far, with the temper ofa philasapher, and the discretion of a statesman--I shall leavethe room with my sword in the scabbard. [_Exit_. ]_Fash_. So! farewell, brother; and now, conscience, I defythee. Lory!_Enter_ LORY. _Lory_. Sir!_Fash_. Here's rare news, Lory; his lordship has given me apill has purged off all my scruples. _Lory_. Then my heart's at ease again: for I have been in alamentable fright, sir, ever since your conscience had theimpudence to intrude into your company. _Fash_. Be at peace; it will come there no more: my brotherhas given it a wring by the nose, and I have kicked itdownstairs. So run away to the inn, get the chaise ready quickly, and bring it to Dame Coupler's without a moment's delay. _Lory_. Then, sir, you are going straight about the fortune?_Fash_. I am. --Away--fly, Lory!_Lory_. The happiest day I ever saw. I'm upon the wingalready. Now then I shall get my wages. [_Exeunt_. ]

SCENE II. --_A Garden behind_ LOVELESS'S _Lodgings. Enter_ LOVELESS _and_ SERVANT. _Love_. Is my wife within?_Ser_. No, sir, she has gone out this half-hour. _Love_. Well, leave me. --[_Exit_ SERVANT. ] Howstrangely does my mind run on this widow!--Never was my heart sosuddenly seized on before. That my wife should pick out her, ofall womankind, to be her playfellow! But what fate does, let fateanswer for: I sought it not. So! by Heavens! here she comes. _Enter_ BERINTHIA. _Ber_. What makes you look so thoughtful, sir? I hope youare not ill. _Love_. I was debating, madam, whether I was so or not, andthat was it which made me look so thoughtful. _Ber_. Is it then so hard a matter to decide? I thought allpeople were acquainted with their own bodies, though few peopleknow their own minds. _Love_. What if the distemper I suspect be in the mind?_Ber_. Why then I'll undertake to prescribe you a cure. _Love_. Alas! you undertake you know not what. _Ber_. So far at least, then, you allow me to be aphysician. _Love_. Nay, I'll allow you to be so yet further: for I havereason to believe, should I put myself into your hands, you wouldincrease my distemper. _Ber_. How?_Love_. Oh, you might betray me to my wife. _Ber_. And so lose all my practice. _Love_. Will you then keep my secret?_Ber_. I will. _Love_. Well--but swear it. _Ber_. I swear by woman. _Love_. Nay, that's swearing by my deity; swear by your own, and I shall believe you. _Ber_. Well then, I swear by man!_Love_. I'm satisfied. Now hear my symptoms, and give meyour advice. The first were these; when I saw you at the play, arandom glance you threw at first alarmed me. I could not turn myeyes from whence the danger came--I gazed upon you till my heartbegan to pant--nay, even now, on your approaching me, my illnessis so increased that if you do not help me I shall, whilst youlook on, consume to ashes. [_Takes her hand. ]_Ber_. O Lord, let me go! 'tis the plague, and we shall beinfected. [_Breaking from him. ]_Love_. Then we'll die together, my charming angel. _Ber_. O Gad! the devil's in you! Lord, let me go!--here'ssomebody coming. _Re-enter_ SERVANT. _Ser_. Sir, my lady's come home, and desires to speak withyou. _Love_. Tell her I'm coming. --[_Exit_ SERVANT. ] Butbefore I go, one glass of nectar to drink her health. [_To_BERINTHIA. ]_Ber_. Stand off, or I shall hate you, by Heavens!_Love_. [_Kissing her_. ] In matters of love, a woman'soath is no more to be minded than a man's. [_Exit. ]Ber_. Um!_Enter_ COLONEL TOWNLY. _Col. Town_. [_Aside_. ] So? what's here--Berinthia andLoveless--and in such close conversation!--I cannot now wonder ather indifference in excusing herself to me!--O rare woman!--Wellthen, let Loveless look to his wife, 'twill be but the retortcourteous on both sides. --[_Aloud_. ] Your servant, madam; Ineed not ask you how you do, you have got so good a colour. _Ber_. No better than I used to have, I suppose. _Col. Town_. A little more blood in your cheeks. _Ber_. I have been walking!_Col. Town_. Is that all? Pray was it Mr. Loveless went fromhere just now?_Ber_. O yes--he has been walking with me. _Col. Town_. He has!_Ber_. Upon my word I think he is a very agreeable man; andthere is certainly something particularly insinuating in hisaddress. _Col. Town_. [_Aside_. ] So, so! she hasn't even themodesty to dissemble! [_Aloud_. ] Pray, madam, may I, withoutimpertinence, trouble you with a few serious questions?_Ber_. As many as you please; but pray let them be as littleserious as possible. _Col. Town_. Is it not near two years since I have presumedto address you?_Ber_. I don't know exactly--but it has been a tedious longtime. _Col. Town. _ Have I not, during that period, had everyreason to believe that my assiduities were far from beingunacceptable?_Ber. _ Why, to do you justice, you have been extremelytroublesome--and I confess I have been more civil to you than youdeserved. _Col. Town. _ Did I not come to this place at your expressdesire, and for no purpose but the honour of meeting you?--andafter waiting a month in disappointment, have you condescended toexplain, or in the slightest way apologise for, your conduct?_Ber. _ O heavens! apologise for my conduct!--apologise toyou! O you barbarian! But pray now, my good serious colonel, haveyou anything more to add?_Col. Town. _ Nothing, madam, but that after such behaviour Iam less surprised at what I saw just now; it is not verywonderful that the woman who can trifle with the delicateaddresses of an honourable lover should be found coquetting withthe husband of her friend. _Ber. _ Very true: no more wonderful than it was for thishonourable lover to divert himself in the absence of thiscoquette, with endeavouring to seduce his friend's wife! Ocolonel, colonel, don't talk of honour or your friend, forHeaven's sake!_Col. Town_. [_Aside. ]_ 'Sdeath! how came she tosuspect this!--[_Aloud. _] Really, madam, I don't understandyou. _Ber. _ Nay, nay, you saw I did not pretend to misunderstandyou. --But here comes the lady; perhaps you would be glad to beleft with her for an explanation. _Col. Town. _ O madam, this recrimination is a poor resource;and to convince you how much you are mistaken, I beg leave todecline the happiness you propose me. --Madam, your servant. _Enter_ AMANDA. COLONEL TOWNLY _whispers_ AMANDA, _and exit_. _Ber. [Aside. _] He carries it off well, however; upon myword, very well! How tenderly they part!--[_Aloud_] So, cousin; I hope you have not been chiding your admirer for beingwith me? I assure you we have been talking of you. _Aman_. Fy, Berinthia!--my admirer! will you never learn totalk in earnest of anything?_Ber_. Why this shall be in earnest, if you please; for mypart, I only tell you matter of fact. _Aman_. I'm sure there's so much jest and earnest in whatyou say to me on this subject, I scarce know how to take it. Ihave just parted with Mr. Loveless; perhaps it is fancy, but Ithink there is an alteration in his manner which alarms me. _Ber_. And so you are jealous; is that all?_Aman_. That all! is jealousy, then, nothing?_Ber_. It should be nothing, if I were in your case. _Aman_. Why, what would you do?_Ber_. I'd cure myself. _Aman_. How?_Ber_. Care as little for my husband as he did for me. Lookyou, Amanda, you may build castles in the air, and fume, andfret, and grow thin, and lean, and pale, and ugly, if you please;but I tell you, no man worth having is true to his wife, or everwas, or ever will be so. _Aman_. Do you then really think he's false to me? for I didnot suspect him. _Ber_. Think so? I am sure of it. _Aman_. You are sure on't?_Ber_. Positively--he fell in love at the play. _Aman_. Right--the very same. But who could have told youthis?_Ber_. Um!--Oh, Townly! I suppose your husband has made himhis confidant. _Aman_. O base Loveless! And what did Townly say on't?_Ber. [Aside_. ] So, so! why should she ask that?--[_Aloud_. ] Say! why he abused Loveless extremely, and saidall the tender things of you in the world. _Aman_. Did he?--Oh! my heart!--I'm very ill--dearBerinthia, don't leave me a moment. [_Exeunt_. ]

SCENE III. --_Outside of_ SIR TUNRELLY CLUMSY'S _House_. _Enter_ TOM FASHION _and_ LORY. _Fash_. So here's our inheritance, Lory, if we can but getinto possession. But methinks the seat of our family looks likeNoah's ark, as if the chief part on't were designed for the fowlsof the air, and the beasts of the field. _Lory. _ Pray, sir, don't let your head run upon the ordersof building here: get but the heiress, let the devil take thehouse. _Fash. _ Get but the house, let the devil take the heiress! Isay. --But come, we have no time to squander; knock at the door. --[LORY _knocks two or three times at the gate. _] What thedevil! have they got no ears in this house?--Knock harder. _Lory. _ Egad, sir, this will prove some enchanted castle; weshall have the giant come out by-and-by, with his club, and beatour brains out. [_Knocks again. _]_Fash. _ Hush, they come. _Ser. [Within. ]_ Who is there?_Lory. _ Open the door and see: is that your countrybreeding?_Ser. _ Ay, but two words to that bargain. --Tummus, is theblunderbuss primed?_Fash. _ Ouns! give 'em good words, Lory, --or we shall beshot here a fortune catching. _Lory. _ Egad, sir, I think you're in the right on't. --Ho!Mr. What-d'ye-call-'um, will you please to let us in? or are weto be left to grow like willows by your moat side?SERVANT _appears at the window with a blunderbuss. __Ser. _ Well naw, what's ya're business?_Fash. _ Nothing, sir, but to wait upon Sir Tunbelly, withyour leave. _Ser. _ To weat upon Sir Tunbelly! why, you'll find that'sjust as Sir Tunbelly pleases. _Fash. _ But will you do me the favour, sir, to know whetherSir Tunbelly pleases or not?_Ser. _ Why, look you, d'ye see, with good words much may bedone. Ralph, go thy ways, and ask Sir Tunbelly if he pleases tobe waited upon--and dost hear, call to nurse, that she may lockup Miss Hoyden before the gates open. _Fash. _ D'ye hear, that, Lory?_Enter SIR TUNBELLY CLUMSY, with SERVANTS, armed with guns, clubs, pitchforks, &c_. _Lory_. Oh! [_Runs behind his master_. ] O Lord! O Lord!Lord! we are both dead men!_Fash_. Fool! thy fear will, ruin us. [_Aside toLORY_. ]_Lory_. My fear, sir? 'sdeath, Sir, I fear nothing. --[_Aside_. ] Would I were well up to the chin in a horse-pond!_Sir Tun_. Who is it here hath any business with me?_Fash_. Sir, 'tis I, if your name be Sir Tunbelly Clumsy. _Sir Tun_. Sir, my name is Sir Tunbelly Clumsy, whether youhave any business with me or not. --So you see I am not ashamed ofmy name, nor my face either. _Fash_. Sir, you have no cause that I know of. _Sir Tun_. Sir, if you have no cause either, I desire toknow who you are; for, till I know your name, I shan't ask you tocome into my house: and when I do know your name, 'tis six to fourI don't ask you then. _Fash_. Sir, I hope you'll find this letter an authenticpassport. [_Gives him a letter_. ]_Sir Tun_. Cod's my life, from Mrs. Coupler!--I ask yourlordship's pardon ten thousand times. --[_To a SERVANT_. ]Here, run in a-doors quickly; get a Scotch coal fire in theparlour, set all the Turkey work chairs in their places, get thebrass candlesticks out, and be sure stick the socket full oflaurel--run!--[_Turns to TOM FASHION_. ]--My lord, I ask yourlordship's pardon. --[_To SERVANT_. ] And, do you hear, runaway to nurse; bid her let Miss Hoyden loose again. --[_ExitSERVANT_. ] I hope your honour will excuse the disorder of myfamily. We are not used to receive men of your lordship's greatquality every day. Pray, where are your coaches and servants, mylord?_Fash_. Sir, that I might give you and your daughter a proofhow impatient I am to be nearer akin to you, I left my equipageto follow me, and came away post with only one servant. _Sir Tun_. Your lordship does me too much honour--it wasexposing your person to too much fatigue and danger, I protest itwas: but my daughter shall endeavour to make you what amends shecan: and, though I say it that should not say it, Hoyden hascharms. _Fash_. Sir, I am not a stranger to them, though I am toher; common fame has done her justice. _Sir Tun_. My lord, I am common fame's very grateful, humbleservant. My lord, my girl's young--Hoyden is young, my lord: butthis I must say for her, what she wants in art she has inbreeding; and what's wanting in her age, is made good in herconstitution. --So pray, my lord, walk in; pray, my lord, walk in. _Fash_. Sir, I wait upon you. [_Exeunt_. ]

SCENE IV. --_A Room in_ SIR TUNBELLY CLUMSY'S _House_. MISS HOYDEN _discovered alone_. _Miss Hoyd_. Sure, nobody was ever used as I am! I know wellenough what other girls do, for all they think to make a fool o'me. It's well I have a husband a-coming, or ecod I'd marry thebaker, I would so. Nobody can knock at the gate, but presently Imust be locked up; and here's the young greyhound can run looseabout the house all the day, so she can. --'Tis very well!_Nurse_. [_Without opening the door_. ] Miss Hoyden!miss, miss, miss! Miss Hoyden!_Enter_ NURSE. _Miss Hoyd_. Well, what do you make such a noise for, eh?What do you din a body's ears for? Can't one be at quiet for you?_Nurse_. What do I din your ears for? Here's one come willdin your ears for you. _Miss Hoyd_. What care I who's come? I care not a fig whocomes, or who goes, so long as I must be locked up like the ale-cellar. _Nurse_. That, miss, is for fear you should be drank beforeyou are ripe. _Miss Hoyd_. Oh, don't trouble your head about that; I'm asripe as you, though not so mellow. _Nurse_. Very well! Now I have a good mind to lock you upagain, and not let you see my lord to-night. _Miss Hoyd_. My lord: why, is my husband come?_Nurse_. Yes, marry, is he; and a goodly person too. _Miss Hoyd_. [_Hugs_ NURSE. ] Oh, my dear nurse, forgiveme this once, and I'll never misuse you again; no, if I do, youshall give me three thumps on the back, and a great pinch by thecheek. _Nurse_. Ah, the poor thing! see now it melts; it's as fullof good-nature as an egg's full of meat. _Miss Hoyd. _ But, my dear nurse, don't lie now--is he come, by your troth?_Nurse. _ Yes, by my truly, is he. _Miss Hoyd_. O Lord! I'll go and put on my laced tucker, though I'm locked up for a month for't. [_Exeunt_. MISS HOYDEN _goes off capering, and twirlingher doll by its leg. _]

ACT IV. 

SCENE I. --_A Room in_ SIR TUNBELLY CLUMSY'S _House. __Enter_ MISS HOYDEN _and_ NURSE. _Nurse_. Well, miss, how do you like your husband that is tobe?_Miss Hoyd_. O Lord, nurse, I'm so overjoyed I can scarcecontain myself!_Nurse_. Oh, but you must have a care of being too fond; formen, nowadays, hate a woman that loves 'em. _Miss Hoyd_. Love him! why, do you think I love him, nurse?Ecod I would not care if he was hanged, so I were but oncemarried to him. No, that which pleases me is to think what workI'll make when I get to London; for when I am a wife and a ladyboth, ecod, I'll flaunt it with the best of 'em. Ay, and I shallhave money enough to do so too, nurse. _Nurse_. Ah, there's no knowing that, miss; for though theselords have a power of wealth indeed, yet, as I have heard say, they give it all to their sluts and their trulls, who joggle itabout in their coaches, with a murrain to 'em, whilst poor madamsits sighing and wishing, and has not a spare half-crown to buyher a Practice of Piety. _Miss Hoyd_. Oh, but for that, don't deceive yourself, nurse; for this I must say of my lord, he's as free as an openhouse at Christmas; for this very morning he told me I shouldhave six hundred a year to buy pins. Now if he gives me sixhundred a year to buy pins, what do you think he'll give me tobuy petticoats?_Nurse_. Ay, my dearest, he deceives thee foully, and he'sno better than a rogue for his pains! These Londoners have got agibberish with 'em would confound a gipsy. That which they callpin-money, is to buy everything in the versal world, down totheir very shoe-knots. Nay, I have heard some folks say that someladies, if they'll have gallants as they call 'em, are forced tofind them out of their pin-money too. --But look, look, if hishonour be not coming to you!--Now, if I were sure you wouldbehave yourself handsomely, and not disgrace me that have broughtyou up, I'd leave you alone together. _Miss Hoyd_. That's my best nurse; do as you'd be done by. Trust us together this once, and if I don't show my breeding, Iwish I may never be married, but die an old maid. _Nurse_. Well, this once I'll venture you. But if youdisparage me--_Miss Hoyd_. Never fear. [_Exit_ NURSE. ]_Enter_ TOM FASHION. _Fash_. Your servant, madam; I'm glad to find you alone, forI have something of importance to speak to you about. _Miss Hoyd_. Sir (my lord, I meant), you may speak to meabout what you please, I shall give you a civil answer. _Fash_. You give so obliging an one, it encourages me totell you in a few words what I think, both for your interest andmine. Your father, I suppose you know, has resolved to make mehappy in being your husband; and I hope I may obtain your consentto perform what he desires. _Miss Hoyd_. Sir, I never disobey my father in anything buteating green gooseberries. _Fash_. So good a daughter must needs be an admirable wife. I am therefore impatient till you are mine, and hope you will sofar consider the violence of my love, that you won't have thecruelty to defer my happiness so long as your father designs it. _Miss Hoyd_. Pray, my lord, how long is that?_Fash_. Madam, a thousand years--a whole week. _Miss Hoyd_. Why, I thought it was to be to-morrow morning, as soon as I was up. I'm sure nurse told me so. _Fash_. And it shall be to-morrow morning, if you'llconsent. _Miss Hoyd_. If I'll consent! Why I thought I was to obeyyou as my husband. _Fash_. That's when we are married. Till then, I'm to obeyyou. _Miss Hoyd_. Why then, if we are to take it by turns, it'sthe same thing. I'll obey you now, and when we are married youshall obey me. _Fash_. With all my heart. But I doubt we must get nurse onour side, or we shall hardly prevail with the chaplain. _Miss Hoyd_. No more we shan't, indeed; for he loves herbetter than he loves his pulpit, and would always be a-preachingto her by his good will. _Fash_. Why then, my dear, if you'll call her hither we'llpersuade her presently. _Miss Hoyd_. O Lud! I'll tell you a way how to persuade herto anything. _Fash_. How's that?_Miss Hoyd_. Why tell her she's a handsome comely woman, andgive her half a crown. _Fash_. Nay, if that will do, she shall have half a score of'em. _Miss Hoyd_. O gemini! for half that she'd marry youherself. --I'll run and call her. [_Exit. ]Fash_. So! matters go on swimmingly. This is a rare girl, i'faith. I shall have a fine time on't with her at London. _Enter_ LORY. So, Lory, what's the matter?_Lory_. Here, sir--an intercepted packet from the enemy;your brother's postilion brought it. I knew the livery, pretendedto be a servant of Sir Tunbelly's, and so got possession of theletter. _Fash. [Looks at the letter_. ] Ouns! he tells Sir Tunbellyhere that he will be with him this evening, with a large party tosupper. --Egad, I must marry the girl directly. _Lory_. Oh, zounds, sir, directly to be sure. Here shecomes. [_Exit_. ]_Fash_. And the old Jezebel with her. _Re-enter_ MISS HOYDEN _and_ NURSE. How do you do, good Mrs. Nurse? I desired your young lady wouldgive me leave to see you, that I might thank you for yourextraordinary care and kind conduct in her education: pray acceptthis small acknowledgment for it at present, and depend upon myfurther kindness when I shall be that happy thing, her husband. [_Gives her money. _]_Nurse_. [_Aside_. ] Gold, by the maakins!--[_Aloud_. ] Your honour's goodness is too great. Alas! all Ican boast of is, I gave her pure and good milk, and so yourhonour would have said, an you had seen how the poor thingthrived, and how it would look up in my face, and crow and laugh, it would. _Miss Hoyd_. [_To_ NURSE, _taking her angrilyaside_. ] Pray, one word with you. Pr'ythee, nurse, don't standripping up old stories, to make one ashamed before one's love. Doyou think such a fine proper gentleman as he is cares for afiddlecome tale of a child? If you have a mind to make him have agood opinion of a woman, don't tell him what one did then, tellhim what one can do now. --[_To_ Tom FASHION. ] I hope yourhonour will excuse my mis-manners to whisper before you. It wasonly to give some orders about the family. _Fash_. Oh, everything, madam, is to give way to business;besides, good housewifery is a very commendable quality in ayoung lady. _Miss Hoyd_. Pray, sir, are young ladies good housewives atLondon-town? Do they darn their own linen?_Fash_. Oh no, they study how to spend money, not to save. _Miss Hoyd_. Ecod, I don't know but that may be bettersport, eh, nurse?_Fash_. Well, you have your choice, when you come there. _Miss Hoyd_. Shall I? then, by my troth, I'll get there asfast as I can. --[_To_ NURSE. ] His honour desires you'll beso kind as to let us be married to-morrow. _Nurse_. To-morrow, my dear madam?_Fash_. Ay, faith, nurse, you may well be surprised atmiss's wanting to put it off so long. To-morrow! no, no; 'tisnow, this very hour, I would have the ceremony performed. _Miss Hoyd_. Ecod, with all my heart. _Nurse_. O mercy! worse and worse!_Fash. _ Yes, sweet nurse, now and privately; for all thingsbeing signed and sealed, why should Sir Tunbelly make us stay aweek for a wedding-dinner?_Nurse. _ But if you should be married now, what will you dowhen Sir Tunbelly calls for you to be married?_Miss Hoyd. _ Why then we will be married again. _Nurse. _ What twice, my child?_Miss Hoyd. _ Ecod, I don't care how often I'm married, notI. _Nurse. _ Well, I'm such a tender-hearted fool, I find I canrefuse you nothing. So you shall e'en follow your own inventions. _Miss Hoyd. _ Shall I? O Lord, I could leap over the moon!_Fash. _ Dear nurse, this goodness of yours shall be stillmore rewarded. But now you must employ your power with thechaplain, that he may do this friendly office too, and then weshall be all happy. Do you think you can prevail with him?_Nurse. _ Prevail with him! or he shall never prevail withme, I can tell him that. _Fash. _ I'm glad to hear it; however, to strengthen yourinterest with him, you may let him know I have several fatlivings in my gift, and that the first that falls shall be inyour disposal. _Nurse. _ Nay, then, I'll make him marry more folks than one, I'll promise him!_Miss Hoyd. _ Faith, do, nurse, make him marry you too; I'msure he'll do't for a fat living. _Fash. _ Well, nurse, while you go and settle matters withhim, your lady and I will go and take a walk in the garden. --[_Exit_ NURSE. ] Come, madam, dare you venture yourself alonewith me? [_Takes_ MISS HOYDEN _by the hand. ]Miss Hoyd. _ Oh dear, yes, sir; I don't think you'll doanythink to me, I need be afraid on. [_Exeunt. _]

SCENE II. --AMANDA's _Dressing-room. __Enter_ AMANDA _followed by her_ MAID. _Maid. _ If you please, madam, only to say whether you'llhave me buy them or not?_Aman. _ Yes--no--Go, teaser; I care not what you do. Pr'ythee, leave me. [_Exit_ MAID. ]_Enter_ BERINTHIA. _Ber. _ What, in the name of Jove, is the matter with you?_Aman. _ The matter, Berinthia! I'm almost mad; I'm plaguedto death. _Ber. _ Who is it that plagues you?_Aman. _ Who do you think should plague a wife but herhusband?_Ber. _ O, ho! is it come to that?--We shall have you wishyourself a widow, by-and-by. _Aman. _ Would I were anything but what I am! A base, ungrateful man, to use me thus!_Ber. _ What, has he given you fresh reason to suspect hiswandering?_Aman. _ Every hour gives me reason. _Ber. _ And yet, Amanda, you perhaps at this moment cause inanother's breast the same tormenting doubts and jealousies whichyou feel so sensibly yourself. _Aman. _ Heaven knows I would not. _Ber. _ Why, you can't tell but there may be some one astenderly attached to Townly, whom you boast of as your conquest, as you can be to your husband?_Aman. _ I'm sure, I never encouraged his pretensions. _Ber. _ Psha! psha! no sensible man ever perseveres to lovewithout encouragement. Why have you not treated him as you haveLord Foppington?_Aman. _ Because he presumed not so far. But let us drop thesubject. Men, not women, are riddles. Mr. Loveless now followssome flirt for variety, whom I'm sure he does not like so well ashe does me. _Ber. _ That's more than you know, madam. _Aman. _ Why, do you know the ugly thing?_Ber. _ I think I can guess at the person; but she's no suchugly thing neither. _Aman. _ Is she very handsome?_Ber. _ Truly I think so. _Aman. _ Whate'er she be, I'm sure he does not like her wellenough to bestow anything more than a little outward gallantryupon her. _Ber. _ [_Aside. _] Outward gallantry! I can't bearthis. --[_Aloud. _] Come, come, don't you be too secure, Amanda:while you suffer Townly to imagine that you do not detest him forhis designs on you, you have no right to complain that yourhusband is engaged elsewhere. But here comes the person we werespeaking of. _Enter_ COLONEL TOWNLY. _Col. Town. _ Ladies, as I come uninvited, I beg, if Iintrude, you will use the same freedom in turning me out again. _Aman. _ I believe it is near the time Loveless said he wouldbe at home. He talked of accepting Lord Foppington's invitationto sup at Sir Tunbelly Clumsy's. _Col. Town. _ His lordship has done me the honour to inviteme also. If you'll let me escort you, I'll let you into a mysteryas we go, in which you must play a part when we arrive. _Aman. _ But we have two hours yet to spare; the carriagesare not ordered till eight, and it is not a five minutes' drive. So, cousin, let us keep the colonel to play at piquet with us, till Mr. Loveless comes home. _Ber. _ As you please, madam; but you know I have a letter towrite. _Col. Town. _ Madam, you know you may command me, though I ama very wretched gamester. _Aman. _ Oh, you play well enough to lose your money, andthat's all the ladies require; and so, without any more ceremony, let us go into the next room, and call for cards and candles. [_Exeunt. _]

SCENE III. --BERINTHIA'S _Dressing-room. __Enter_ LOVELESS. _Love. _ So, thus far all's well: I have got into herdressing-room, and it being dusk, I think nobody has perceived mesteal into the house. I heard Berinthia tell my wife she had someparticular letters to write this evening, before she went to SirTunbelly's, and here are the implements of correspondence. --Howshall I muster up assurance to show myself, when she comes? Ithink she has given me encouragement; and, to do my impudencejustice, I have made the most of it. --I hear a door open, andsome one coming. If it should be my wife, what the devil should Isay? I believe she mistrusts me, and, by my life, I don't deserveher tenderness. However, I am determined to reform, though notyet. Ha! Berinthia!--So, I'll step in here, till I see what sortof humour she is in. [_Goes into the closet_. ]_Enter_ BERINTHIA. _Ber_. Was ever so provoking a situation! To think I shouldsit and hear him compliment Amanda to my face! I have lost allpatience with them both! I would not for something have Lovelessknow what temper of mind they have piqued me into; yet I can'tbear to leave them together. No, I'll put my papers away, andreturn, to disappoint them. --[_Goes to the closet_. ]--OLord! a ghost! a ghost! a ghost!_Re-enter_ LOVELESS. _Love_. Peace, my angel; it's no ghost, but one worth ahundred spirits. _Ber_. How, sir, have you had the insolence to presume to--run in again; here's somebody coming. [LOVELESS _goes into thecloset_. ]_Enter_ MAID. _Maid_. O Lord, ma'am, what's the matter?_Ber_. O Heavens! I'm almost frightened out of my wits! Ithought verily I had seen a ghost, and 'twas nothing but a blackhood pinned against the wall. You may go again; I am thefearfullest fool! [Exit MAID. ]_Re-enter_ LOVELESS. _Love_. Is the coast clear?_Ber_. The coast clear! Upon my word, I wonder at yourassurance. _Love_. Why, then, you wonder before I have given you aproof of it. But where's my wife?_Ber_. At cards. _Love_. With whom?_Ber_. With Townly. _Love_. Then we are safe enough. _Ber_. You are so! Some husbands would be of another mind, were he at cards with their wives. _Love_. And they'd be in the right on't, too; but I daretrust mine. _Ber_. Indeed! and she, I doubt not, has the same confidencein you. Yet, do you think she'd be content to come and find youhere?_Love_. Egad, as you say, that's true!--Then for fear sheshould come, hadn't we better go into the next room, out of herway?_Ber_. What, in the dark?_Love_. Ay, or with a light, which you please. _Ber_. You are certainly very impudent. _Love_. Nay, then--let me conduct you, my angel!_Ber_. Hold, hold! you are mistaken in your angel, I assureyou. _Love_. I hope not; for by this hand I swear--_Ber_. Come, come, let go my hand, or I shall hate you!--I'll cry out, as I live!_Love_. Impossible! you cannot be so cruel. _Ber_. Ha! here's some one coming. Begone instantly. _Love_. Will you promise to return, if I remain here?_Ber_. Never trust myself in a room again with you while Ilive. _Love_. But I have something particular to communicate toyou. _Ber_. Well, well, before we go to Sir Tunbelly's, I'll walkupon the lawn. If you are fond of a moonlight evening, you'llfind me there. _Love_. I'faith, they're coming here now! I take you at yourword. [_Exit into the closet_. ]_Ber_. 'Tis Amanda, as I live! I hope she has not heard hisvoice; though I mean she should have her share of jealousy in herturn. _Enter_ AMANDA. _Aman_. Berinthia, why did you leave me?_Ber_. I thought I only spoiled your party. _Aman_. Since you have been gone, Townly has attemptedto renew his importunities. I must break with him, for I cannotventure to acquaint Mr. Loveless with his conduct. _Ber_. Oh, no! Mr. Loveless mustn't know of it by any means. _Aman_. Oh, not for the world--I wish, Berinthia, you wouldundertake to speak to Townly on the subject. _Ber_. Upon my word, it would be a very pleasant subject forme to talk upon! But, come, let us go back; and you may dependon't I'll not leave you together again, if I can help it. [_Exeunt_. ]_Re-enter_ LOVELESS. _Love_. So--so! a pretty piece of business I have overheard!Townly makes love to my wife, and I am not to know it for all theworld. I must inquire into this--and, by Heaven, if I find thatAmanda has, in the smallest degree--yet what have I been athere!--Oh, 'sdeath! that's no rule. 

 That wife alone unsullied credit wins, Whose virtues can atone her husband's sins, Thus, while the man has other nymphs in view, It suits the woman to be doubly true. [_Exit_. ]

ACT V. 

SCENE I. --_The Garden behind_ LOVELESS's _Lodgings_. _Enter_ LOVELESS. _Love_. Now, does she mean to make a fool of me, or not! Ishan't wait much longer, for my wife will soon be inquiring forme to set out on our supping party. Suspense is at all times thedevil, but of all modes of suspense, the watching for a loiteringmistress is the worst. --But let me accuse her no longer; sheapproaches with one smile to o'erpay the anxieties of a year. _Enter_ BERINTHIA. O Berinthia, what a world of kindness are you in my debt! had youstayed five minutes longer--_Ber_. You would have gone, I suppose?_Love_. Egad, she's right enough. [_Aside. ]Ber_. And I assure you 'twas ten to one that I came at all. Inshort, I begin to think you are too dangerous a being to triflewith; and as I shall probably only make a fool of you at last, Ibelieve we had better let matters rest as they are. _Love_. You cannot mean it, sure?_Ber_. What more would you have me give to a married man?_Love_. How doubly cruel to remind me of my misfortunes!_Ber_. A misfortune to be married to so charming a woman asAmanda?_Love_. I grant her all her merit, but--'sdeath! now seewhat you have done by talking of her--she's here, by all that'sunlucky, and Townly with her. --I'll observe them. _Ber_. O Gad, we had better get out of the way; for I shouldfeel as awkward to meet her as you. _Love_. Ay, if I mistake not, I see Townly coming this wayalso. I must see a little into this matter. [_Steps aside_. ]_Ber_. Oh, if that's your intention, I am no woman if Isuffer myself to be outdone in curiosity. [_Goes on the otherside_. ]_Enter_ AMANDA. _Aman_. Mr. Loveless come home, and walking on the lawn! Iwill not suffer him to walk so late, though perhaps it is to showhis neglect of me. --Mr. Loveless, I must speak with you. --Ha!Townly again!--How I am persecuted!_Enter_ COLONEL TOWNLY. _Col. Town_. Madam, you seem disturbed. _Aman_. Sir, I have reason. _Col. Town_. Whatever be the cause, I would to Heaven itwere in my power to bear the pain, or to remove the malady. _Aman_. Your interference can only add to my distress. _Col. Town_. Ah, madam, if it be the sting of unrequitedlove you suffer from, seek for your remedy in revenge: weigh wellthe strength and beauty of your charms, and rouse up that spirita woman ought to bear. Disdain the false embraces of a husband. See at your feet a real lover; his zeal may give him title toyour pity, although his merit cannot claim your love. _Love_. So, so, very fine, i'faith! [_Aside_. ]_Aman_. Why do you presume to talk to me thus? Is this yourfriendship to Mr. Loveless? I perceive you will compel me at lastto acquaint him with your treachery. _Col. Town_. He could not upbraid me if you were. --Hedeserves it from me; for he has not been more false to you thanfaithless to me. _Aman_. To you?_Col. Town_. Yes, madam; the lady for whom he now desertsthose charms which he was never worthy of, was mine by right;and, I imagine too, by inclination. Yes, madam, Berinthia, whonow--_Aman_. Berinthia! Impossible!_Col. Town_. 'Tis true, or may I never merit your attention. She is the deceitful sorceress who now holds your husband's heartin bondage. _Aman_. I will not believe it. _Col. Town_. By the faith of a true lover, I speak fromconviction. This very day I saw them together, and overheard--_Aman_. Peace, sir! I will not even listen to such slander--this is a poor device to work on my resentment, to listen to yourinsidious addresses. No, sir; though Mr. Loveless may be capableof error, I am convinced I cannot be deceived so grossly in himas to believe what you now report; and for Berinthia, you shouldhave fixed on some more probable person for my rival than her whois my relation and my friend: for while I am myself free fromguilt, I will never believe that love can beget injury, orconfidence create ingratitude. _Col. Town_. If I do not prove to you--_Aman. _ You never shall have an opportunity. From the artfulmanner in which you first showed yourself to me, I might havebeen led, as far as virtue permitted, to have thought you lesscriminal than unhappy; but this last unmanly artifice merits atonce my resentment and contempt. [_Exit_. ]_Col. Town_. Sure there's divinity about her; and she hasdispensed some portion of honour's light to me: yet can I bear tolose Berinthia without revenge or compensation? Perhaps she isnot so culpable as I thought her. I was mistaken when I began tothink lightly of Amanda's virtue, and may be in my censure of myBerinthia. Surely I love her still, for I feel I should be happyto find myself in the wrong. [_Exit_. ]_Re-enter_ LOVELESS _and_ BERINTHIA. _Ber_. Your servant, Mr. Loveless. _Love_. Your servant, madam. _Ber_. Pray what do you think of this?_Love_. Truly, I don't know what to say. _Ber_. Don't you think we steal forth two contemptiblecreatures?_Love_. Why, tolerably so, I must confess. _Ber_. And do you conceive it possible for you ever to giveAmanda the least uneasiness again?_Love_. No, I think we never should indeed. _Ber_. We! why, monster, you don't pretend that I everentertained a thought?_Love_. Why then, sincerely and honestly, Berinthia, thereis something in my wife's conduct which strikes me so forcibly, that if it were not for shame, and the fear of hurting you in heropinion, I swear I would follow her, confess my error, and trustto her generosity for forgiveness. _Ber_. Nay, pr'ythee, don't let your respect for me preventyou; for as my object in trifling with you was nothing more thanto pique Townly, and as I perceive he has been actuated by asimilar motive, you may depend on't I shall make no mystery ofthe matter to him. _Love_. By no means inform him: for though I may choose topass by his conduct without resentment, how will he presume tolook me in the face again?_Ber_. How will you presume to look him in the face again?_Love_. He, who has dared to attempt the honour of my wife!_Ber_. You who have dared to attempt the honour of hismistress! Come, come, be ruled by me, who affect more levity thanI have, and don't think of anger in this cause. A readiness toresent injuries is a virtue only in those who are slow to injure. _Love_. Then I will be ruled by you; and when you thinkproper to undeceive Townly, may your good qualities make assincere a convert of him as Amanda's have of me. -When truth'sextorted from us, then we own the robe of virtue is a sacredhabit. 

 Could women but our secret counsel scan-- Could they but reach the deep reserve of man-- To keep our love they'd rate their virtue high, They live together, and together die. 

[_Exeunt_. ]

SCENE II. --_A Room in_ SIR TUNBELLY CLUMSY'S _House. Enter_ MISS HOYDEN, NURSE, _and_ TOM FASHION. _Fash_. This quick despatch of the chaplain's I take sokindly it shall give him claim to my favour as long as I live, Iassure you. _Miss Hoyd_. And to mine too, I promise you. _Nurse_. I most humbly thank your honours; and may yourchildren swarm about you like bees about a honeycomb!_Miss Hoyd_. Ecod, with all my heart--the more the merrier, I say--ha, nurse?_Enter_ LORY. _Lory_. One word with you, for Heaven's sake. [_Taking_TOM FASHION _hastily aside_. ]_Fash_. What the devil's the matter?_Lory_. Sir, your fortune's ruined if you are not married. Yonder's your brother arrived, with two coaches and six horses, twenty footmen, and a coat worth fourscore pounds--so judge whatwill become of your lady's heart. _Fash_. Is he in the house yet?_Lory_. No, they are capitulating with him at the gate. SirTunbelly luckily takes him for an impostor; and I have told himthat we have heard of this plot before. _Fash_. That's right. --[_Turning to_ MISS HOYDEN. ] Mydear, here's a troublesome business my man tells me of, but don'tbe frightened; we shall be too hard for the rogue. Here's animpudent fellow at the gate (not knowing I was come hitherincognito) has taken my name upon him, in hopes to run away withyou. _Miss Hoyd_. Oh, the brazen-faced varlet! it's well we aremarried, or maybe we might never have been so. _Fash. [Aside_. ] Egad, like enough. --[_Aloud_. ]Pr'ythee, nurse, run to Sir Tunbelly, and stop him from going tothe gate before I speak to him. _Nurse_. An't please your honour, my lady and I hadbetter, lock ourselves up till the danger be over. _Fash_. Do so, if you please. _Miss Hoyd_. Not so fast; I won't be locked up any more, nowI'm married. _Fash_. Yes, pray, my dear, do, till we have seized thisrascal. _Miss Hoyd_. Nay, if you'll pray me, I'll do anything. [_Exit with_ NURSE. ]_Fash_. Hark you, sirrah, things are better than youimagine. The wedding's over. _Lory_. The devil it is, sir! [_Capers about_. ]_Fash_. Not a word--all's safe--but Sir Tunbelly don't knowit, nor must not yet. So I am resolved to brazen the brunt of thebusiness out, and have the pleasure of turning the impostor uponhis lordship, which I believe may easily be done. _Enter_ SIR TUNBELLY CLUMSY. Did you ever hear, sir, of so impudent an undertaking?_Sir Tun_. Never, by the mass; but we'll tickle him, I'llwarrant you. _Fash_. They tell me, sir, he has a great many people withhim, disguised like servants. _Sir Tun_. Ay, ay, rogues enow, but we have mastered them. We only fired a few shot over their heads, and the regimentscoured in an instant. --Here, Tummus, bring in your prisoner. _Fash_. If you please, Sir Tunbelly, it will be best for menot to confront this fellow yet, till you have heard how far hisimpudence will carry him. _Sir Tun_. Egad, your lordship is an ingenious person. Yourlordship, then, will please to step aside. _Lory_. [_Aside_. ] 'Fore heavens, I applaud my master'smodesty! [_Exit with_ TOM FASHION. ]_Enter_ SERVANTS, _with_ LORD FOPPINGTON_disarmed_. _Sir Tun_. Come, bring him along, bring him along. _Lord Fop_. What the plague do you mean, gentlemen? is itfair time, that you are all drunk before supper?_Sir Tun_. Drunk, sirrah! here's an impudent rogue for younow. Drunk or sober, bully, I'm a justice o' the peace, and knowhow to deal with strollers. _Lord Fop_. Strollers!_Sir Tun_. Ay, strollers. Come, give an account of yourself. What's your name? where do you live? do you pay scot and lot?Come, are you a freeholder or a copyholder?_Lord Fop_. And why dost thou ask me so many impertinentquestions?_Sir Tun_. Because I'll make you answer 'em, before I havedone with you, you rascal, you!_Lord Fop_. Before Gad, all the answer I can make to themis, that you are a very extraordinary old fellow, stap my vitals. _Sir Tun_. Nay, if thou art joking deputy-lieutenants, weknow how to deal with you. --Here, draw a warrant for himimmediately. _Lord Fop_. A warrant! What the devil is't thou wouldst beat, old gentleman?_Sir Tun_. I would be at you, sirrah, (if my hands were nottied as a magistrate, ) and with these two double fists beat yourteeth down your throat, you dog, you! [_Driving him_. ]_Lord Fop_. And why wouldst thou spoil my face at that rate?_Sir Tun_. For your design to rob me of my daughter, villain. _Lord Fop_. Rob thee of thy daughter! Now do I begin tobelieve I am in bed and asleep, and that all this is but a dream. Pr'ythee, old father, wilt thou give me leave to ask thee onequestion?_Sir Tun_. I can't tell whether I will or not, till I knowwhat it is. _Lord Fop_. Why, then, it is, whether thou didst not writeto my Lord Foppington, to come down and marry thy daughter?_Sir Tun. _ Yes, marry, did I, and my Lord Foppington is comedown, and shall marry my daughter before she's a day older. _Lord Fop. _ Now give me thy hand, old dad; I thought weshould understand one another at last. _Sir Tun. _ The fellow's mad!--Here, bind him hand and foot. [_They bind him. _]_Lord Fop. _ Nay, pr'ythee, knight, leave fooling; thy jestbegins to grow dull. _Sir Tun. _ Bind him, I say--he's mad: bread and water, adark room, and a whip, may bring him to his senses again. _Lord Fop. _ Pr'ythee, Sir Tunbelly, why should you take suchan aversion to the freedom of my address as to suffer the rascalsthus to skewer down my arms like a rabbit?--[_Aside. _] Egad, if I don't awake, by all that I can see, this is like to proveone of the most impertinent dreams that ever I dreamt in my life. _Re-enter_ MISS HOYDEN _and_ NURSE. _Miss Hoyd. _ [_Going up to_ LORD FOPPINGTON. ] Is thishe that would have run--Fough, how he stinks of sweets!--Pray, father, let him be dragged through the horse-pond. _Lord Fop. _ This must be my wife, by her natural inclinationto her husband. [_Aside. _]_Miss Hoyd. _ Pray, father, what do you intend to do withhim--hang him?_Sir Tun. _ That, at least, child. _Nurse. _ Ay, and it's e'en too good for him too. _Lord Fop. _ Madame la gouvernante, I presume: hitherto thisappears to me to be one of the most extraordinary families thatever man of quality matched into. [_Aside. _]_Sir Tun. _ What's become of my lord, daughter?_Miss Hoyd. _ He's just coming, sir. _Lord Fop. _ My lord! what does he mean by that, now?[_Aside. _]_Re-enter_ TOM FASHION _and_ LORY. Stap my vitals, Tam, now the dream's out! [_Runs. _]_Fash. _ Is this the fellow, sir, that designed to trick meof your daughter?_Sir Tun_. This is he, my lord. How do you like him? Is nothe a pretty fellow to get a fortune?_Fash_. I find by his dress he thought your daughter mightbe taken with a beau. _Miss Hoyd_. Oh, gemini! is this a beau? let me see himagain. [_Surveys him_. ] Ha! I find a beau is no such uglything, neither. _Fash. [Aside_. ] Egad, she'll be in love with him presently--I'll e'en have him sent away to jail. --[_To_ LORDFOPPINGTON. ] Sir, though your undertaking shows you a person ofno extraordinary modesty, I suppose you ha'n't confidence enoughto expect much favour from me?_Lord Fop_. Strike me dumb, Tam, thou art a very impudentfellow. _Nurse_. Look, if the varlet has not the effrontery to callhis lordship plain Thomas!_Lord Fop_. My Lord Foppington, shall I beg one word withyour lordship?_Nurse_. Ho, ho! it's my lord with him now! See howafflictions will humble folks. _Miss Hoyd_. Pray, my lord--[_To_ FASHION]--don't lethim whisper too close, lest he bite your ear off. _Lord Fop_. I am not altogether so hungry as your ladyshipis pleased to imagine. --[_Aside to_ TOM FASHION. ] Look you, Tam, I am sensible I have not been so kind to you as I ought, butI hope you'll forgive what's past, and accept of the fivethousand pounds I offer--thou mayst live in extreme splendourwith it, stap my vitals!_Fash_. It's a much easier matter to prevent a disease thanto cure it. A quarter of that sum would have secured yourmistress, twice as much cannot redeem her. [_Aside to_ LORDFOPPINGTON. ]_Sir Tun_. Well, what says he?_Fash_. Only the rascal offered me a bribe to let him go. _Sir Tun_. Ay, he shall go, with a plague to him!--lead on, constable. _Enter_ SERVANT. _Ser_. Sir, here is Muster Loveless, and Muster ColonelTownly, and some ladies to wait on you. [_To_ TOM FASHION. ]_Lory. [Aside to_ TOM FASHION. ] So, sir, what will you donow?_Fash_. [_Aside to_ LORY. ] Be quiet; they are in theplot. --[_Aloud_. ] Only a few friends, Sir Tunbelly, whom Iwish to introduce to you. _Lord Fop_. Thou art the most impudent fellow, Tam, thatever nature yet brought into the world. --Sir Tunbelly, strike mespeechless, but these are my friends and acquaintance, and myguests, and they will soon inform thee whether I am the true LordFoppington or not. _Enter_ LOVELESS, COLONEL TOWNLY, AMANDA, _and_BERINTHIA. --LORD FOPPINGTON _accosts them as they pass, butnone answer him. Fash_. So, gentlemen, this is friendly; I rejoice to see you. _Col. Town_. My lord, we are fortunate to be the witnessesof your lordship's happiness. _Love_. But your lordship will do us the honour to introduceus to Sir Tunbelly Clumsy?_Aman_. And us to your lady. _Lord Fop_. Gad take me, but they are all in a story![_Aside_. ]_Sir Tun_. Gentlemen, you do me much honour; my LordFoppington's friends will ever be welcome to me and mine. _Fash_. My love, let me introduce you to these ladies. _Miss Hoyd_. By goles, they look so fine and so stiff, I amalmost ashamed to come nigh 'em. _Aman_. A most engaging lady indeed!_Miss Hoyd_. Thank ye, ma'am. _Ber_. And I doubt not will soon distinguish herself in thebeau monde. _Miss Hoyd_. Where is that?_Fash_. You'll soon learn, my dear. _Love_. But Lord Foppington--_Lord Fop_. Sir!_Love_. Sir! I was not addressing myself to you, sir!--Praywho is this gentleman? He seems rather in a singular predicament--_Col. Town_. For so well-dressed a person, a little oddlycircumstanced, indeed. _Sir Tun_. Ha! ha! ha!--So, these are your friends and yourguests, ha, my adventurer?_Lord Fop_. I am struck dumb with their impudence, andcannot positively say whether I shall ever speak again or not. _Sir Tun. _ Why, sir, this modest gentleman wanted to passhimself upon me as Lord Foppington, and carry off my daughter. _Love. _ A likely plot to succeed, truly, ha! ha!_Lord Fop. _ As Gad shall judge me, Loveless, I did not expectthis from thee. Come, pr'ythee confess the joke; tell SirTunbelly that I am the real Lord Foppington, who yesterday madelove to thy wife; was honoured by her with a slap on the face, and afterwards pinked through the body by thee. _Sir Tun. _ A likely story, truly, that a peer would behavethus. _Love. _ A pretty fellow, indeed, that would scandalize thecharacter he wants to assume; but what will you do with him, SirTunbelly?_Sir Tun. _ Commit him, certainly, unless the bride andbridegroom choose to pardon him. _Lord Fop. _ Bride and bridegroom! For Gad's sake, SirTunbelly, 'tis tarture to me to hear you call 'em so. _Miss Hoyd. _ Why, you ugly thing, what would you have himcall us--dog and cat?_Lord Fop. _ By no means, miss; for that sounds ten timesmore like man and wife than t'other. _Sir Tun. _ A precious rogue this to come a-wooing!_Re-enter_ SERVANT. _Ser. _ There are some gentlefolks below to wait upon LordFoppington. [_Exit. _]_Col. Town. _ 'Sdeath, Tom, what will you do now? [_Asideto_ TOM FASHION. ]_Lord Fop. _ Now, Sir Tunbelly, here are witnesses who Ibelieve are not corrupted. _Sir Tun. _ Peace, fellow!--Would your lordship choose to haveyour guests shown here, or shall they wait till we come to 'em?_Fash. _ I believe, Sir Tunbelly, we had better not have thesevisitors here yet. --[_Aside_. ] Egad, all must out. _Love. _ Confess, confess; we'll stand by you. [_Asideto_ TOM FASHION. ]_Lord Fop. _ Nay, Sir Tunbelly, I insist on your callingevidence on both sides--and if I do not prove that fellow animpostor--_Fash_. Brother, I will save you the trouble, by nowconfessing that I am not what I have passed myself for. --SirTunbelly, I am a gentleman, and I flatter myself a man ofcharacter; but'tis with great pride I assure you I am not LordFoppington. _Sir Tun_. Ouns!--what's this?--an impostor?--a cheat?--fireand faggots, sir, if you are not Lord Foppington, who thedevil are you?_Fash_. Sir, the best of my condition is, I am your son-in-law;and the worst of it is, I am brother to that noble peer. _Lord Fop_. Impudent to the last, Gad dem me!_Sir Tun_. My son-in-law! not yet, I hope. _Fash_. Pardon me, sir; thanks to the goodness of yourchaplain, and the kind offices of this gentlewoman. _Lory_. 'Tis true indeed, sir; I gave your daughter away, and Mrs. Nurse, here, was clerk. _Sir Tun_. Knock that rascal down!--But speak, Jezebel, how'sthis?_Nurse_. Alas! your honour, forgive me; I have beenoverreached in this business as well as you. Your worship knows, if the wedding-dinner had been ready, you would have given heraway with your own hands. _Sir Tun_. But how durst you do this without acquainting me?_Nurse_. Alas! if your worship had seen how the poor thingbegged and prayed, and clung and twined about me like ivy roundan old wall, you would say, I who had nursed it, and reared it, must have had a heart like stone to refuse it. _Sir Tun_. Ouns! I shall go mad! Unloose my lord there, youscoundrels!_Lord Fop_. Why, when these gentlemen are at leisure, Ishould be glad to congratulate you on your son-in-law, with alittle more freedom of address. _Miss Hoyd_. Egad, though, I don't see which is to be myhusband after all. _Love_. Come, come, Sir Tunbelly, a man of yourunderstanding must perceive that an affair of this kind is not tobe mended by anger and reproaches. _Col. Town_. Take my word for it, Sir Tunbelly, you are onlytricked into a son-in-law you may be proud of: my friend TomFashion is as honest a fellow as ever breathed. _Love_. That he is, depend on't; and will hunt or drink withyou most affectionately: be generous, old boy, and forgive them--_Sir Tun_. Never! the hussy!--when I had set my heart ongetting her a title. _Lord Fop_. Now, Sir Tunbelly, that I am untrussed--give meleave to thank thee for the very extraordinary reception I havemet with in thy damned, execrable mansion; and at the same timeto assure you, that of all the bumpkins and blockheads I have hadthe misfortune to meek with, thou art the most obstinate andegregious, strike me ugly!_Sir Tun_. What's this! I believe you are both rogues alike. _Lord Fop_. No, Sir Tunbelly, thou wilt find to thyunspeakable mortification, that I am the real Lord Foppington, who was to have disgraced myself by an alliance with a clod; andthat thou hast matched thy girl to a beggarly younger brother ofmine, whose title deeds might be contained in thy tobacco-box. _Sir Tun_. Puppy! puppy!--I might prevent their beingbeggars, if I chose it; for I could give 'em as good a rent-rollas your lordship. _Lord Fop_. Ay, old fellow, but you will not do that--forthat would be acting like a Christian, and thou art a barbarian, stap my vitals. _Sir Tun_. Udzookers! now six such words more, and I'llforgive them directly. _Love_. 'Slife, Sir Tunbelly, you should do it, and blessyourself--Ladies, what say you?_Aman_. Good Sir Tunbelly, you must consent. _Ber_. Come, you have been young yourself, Sir Tunbelly. _Sir Tun_. Well then, if I must, I must; but turn--turn thatsneering lord out, however, and let me be revenged on somebody. But first look whether I am a barbarian or not; there, children, I join your hands; and when I'm in a better humour, I'll give youmy blessing. _Love_. Nobly done, Sir Tunbelly! and we shall see you danceat a grandson's christening yet. _Miss Hoyd_. By goles, though, I don't understand this!What! an't I to be a lady after all? only plain Mrs. --What's myhusband's name, nurse?_Nurse_. Squire Fashion. _Miss Hoyd_. Squire, is he?--Well, that's better thannothing. _Lord Fop. [Aside_. ] Now I will put on a philosophic air, and show these people, that it is not possible to put a man of myquality out of countenance. --[_Aloud_. ] Dear Tam, sincethings are fallen out, pr'ythee give me leave to wish thee joy; Ido it _de bon coeur_, strike me dumb! You have married intoa family of great politeness and uncommon elegance of manners, and your bride appears to be a lady beautiful in person, modestin her deportment, refined in her sentiments, and of nicemorality, split my windpipe!_Miss Hoyd_. By goles, husband, break his bones if he callsme names!_Fash_. Your lordship may keep up your spirits with yourgrimace, if you please; I shall support mine, by Sir Tunbelly'sfavour, with this lady and three thousand pounds a year. _Lord Fop_. Well, adieu, Tam!--Ladies, I kiss your, hands!--Sir Tunbelly, I shall now quit this thy den; but while I retainthe use of my arms, I shall ever remember thou art a demnedhorrid savage; Ged demn me! [_Exit_. ]_Sir Tun_. By the mass, 'tis well he's gone--for I shouldha' been provoked, by-and-by, to ha' dun un a mischief. Well, ifthis is a lord, I think Hoyden has luck on her side, in troth. _Col. Town_. She has, indeed, Sir Tunbelly. --But I hear thefiddles; his lordship, I know, has provided 'em. _Love_. Oh, a dance and a bottle, Sir Tunbelly, by allmeans!_Sir Tun_. I had forgot the company below; well--what--wemust be merry, then, ha? and dance and drink, ha? Well, 'foreGeorge, you shan't say I do these things by halves. Son-in-lawthere looks like a hearty rogue, so we'll have a night on't: andwhich of these ladies will be the old man's partner, ha?--Ecod, Idon't know how I came to be in so good a humour. _Ber_. Well, Sir Tunbelly, my friend and I both willendeavour to keep you so: you have done a generous action, andare entitled to our attention. If you should be at a loss todivert your new guests, we will assist you to relate to them theplot of your daughter's marriage, and his lordship's deservedmortification; a subject which perhaps may afford no badevening's entertainment. _Sir Tun_. Ecod, with all my heart; though I am a mainbungler at a long story. _Ber_. Never fear; we will assist you, if the tale is judgedworth being repeated; but of this you may be assured, that whilethe intention is evidently to please, British auditors will everbe indulgent to the errors of the performance. [Exeunt omnes. ]

THE CRITIC;OR, A TRAGEDY REHEARSED _A DRAMATIC PIECE IN THREE ACTS_ TOMRS. GREVILLE_MADAM_, --In requesting your permission to address thefollowing pages to you, which, as they aim themselves to becritical, require every protection and allowance that approvingtaste or friendly prejudice can give them, I yet ventured tomention no other motive than the gratification of privatefriendship and esteem. Had I suggested a hope that your impliedapprobation would give a sanction to their defects, yourparticular reserve, and dislike to the reputation of criticaltaste, as well as of poetical talent, would have made you refusethe protection of your name to such a purpose. However, I am notso ungrateful as now to attempt to combat this disposition inyou. I shall not here presume to argue that the present state ofpoetry claims and expects every assistance that taste and examplecan afford it; nor endeavour to prove that a fastidiousconcealment of the most elegant productions of judgment and fancyis an ill return for the possession of those endowments. Continueto deceive yourself in the idea that you are known only to beeminently admired and regarded for the valuable qualities thatattach private friendships, and the graceful talents that adornconversation. Enough of what you have written has stolen intofull public notice to answer my purpose; and you will, perhaps, be the only person, conversant in elegant literature, who shallread this address and not perceive that by publishing yourparticular approbation of the following drama, I have a moreinterested object than to boast the true respect and regard withwhich I have the honour to be, Madam, your very sincere andobedient humble servant, R. B. SHERIDAN. 

DRAMATIS PERSONAEAS ORIGINALLY ACTED AT DRURY LANE THEATRE IN 1779

 SIR FRETFUL PLAGIARY. _Mr. Parsons_. PUFF. _Mr. King_. DANGLE. _Mr. Dodd_ SNEER. _Mr. Palmer_. SIGNOR PASTICCIO RITORNELLO. _Mr. Delpini_. INTERPRETER. _Mr. Baddeley_. UNDER PROMPTER. _Mr. Phillimore_. MR. HOPKINS. _Mr. Hopkins_. MRS. DANGLE. _Mrs. Hopkins_. SIGNORE PASTICCIO RITORNELLO. _Miss Field and the MissAbrams_. 

Scenemen, Musicians, _and_ Servants. 

CHARACTERS OF THE TRAGEDY

 LORD BURLEIGH. _Mr. Moody_. GOVERNOR OF TILBURY FORT. _Mr. Wrighten_. EARL OF LEICESTER. _Mr. Farren_. SIR WALTER RALEIGH. _Mr. Burton_. SIR CHRISTOPHER HATTON. _Mr. Waldron_. MASTER OF THE HORSE. _Mr. Kenny_. DON FEROLO WHISKERANDOS. _Mr. Bannister, jun_. BEEFEATER. _Mr. Wright_. JUSTICE. _Mr. Packer_. SON. _Mr. Lamash_. CONSTABLE. _Mr. Fawcett_. THAMES. _Mr. Gawdry_. TILBURINA. _Miss Pope_. CONFIDANT. _Mrs. Bradshaw_. JUSTICE's LADY. _Mrs. Johnston_. FIRST NIECE. _Miss Collett_. SECOND NIECE. _Miss Kirby_. 

Knights, Guards, Constables, Sentinels, Servants, Chorus, Rivers, Attendants, &c. , &c. SCENE--LONDON: _in_ DANGLES _House during the First Act, and throughout the rest of the Play in_ DRURY LANE THEATRE. PROLOGUEBY THE HONOURABLE RICHARD FITZPATRICK

 THE sister Muses, whom these realms obey, Who o'er the drama hold divided sway, Sometimes by evil counsellors, 'tis said, Like earth-born potentates have been misled. In those gay days of wickedness and wit, When Villiers criticised what Dryden writ, The tragic queen, to please a tasteless crowd, Had learn'd to bellow, rant, and roar so loud, That frighten'd Nature, her best friend before, The blustering beldam's company foreswore; Her comic sister, who had wit 'tis true, With all her merits, had her failings too: And would sometimes in mirthful moments use A style too flippant for a well-bred muse; Then female modesty abash'd began To seek the friendly refuge of the fan, Awhile behind that slight intrenchment stood, Till driven from thence, she left the stage for good. In our more pious, and far chaster times, These sure no longer are the Muse's crimes! But some complain that, former faults to shun, The reformation to extremes has run. The frantic hero's wild delirium past, Now insipidity succeeds bombast: So slow Melpomene's cold numbers creep, Here dulness seems her drowsy court to keep, And we are scarce awake, whilst you are fast asleep. Thalia, once so ill-behaved and rude, Reform'd, is now become an arrant prude; Retailing nightly to the yawning pit The purest morals, undefiled by wit! Our author offers, in these motley scenes, A slight remonstrance to the drama's queens: Nor let the goddesses be over nice; Free-spoken subjects give the best advice. Although not quite a novice in his trade, His cause to-night requires no common aid. To this, a friendly, just, and powerful court, I come ambassador to beg support. Can he undaunted brave the critic's rage? In civil broils with brother bards engage? Hold forth their errors to the public eye, Nay more, e'en newspapers themselves defy? Say, must his single arm encounter all? By number vanquish'd, e'en the brave may fall; And though no leader should success distrust, Whose troops are willing, and whose cause is just; To bid such hosts of angry foes defiance, His chief dependence must be, your alliance. 

ACT I. 

SCENE I. --_A Room in_ DANGLE's _House_. Mr. _and_ MRS. DANGLE _discovered at breakfast, andreading newspapers_. _Dang. [Reading. ] Brutus to Lord North. --Letter the second onthe State of the Army_--Psha! _To the first L dash D of theA dash Y. --Genuine extract of a Letter from St. Kitt's. --CoxheathIntelligence. --It is now confidently asserted that Sir CharlesHardy_--Psha! nothing but about the fleet and the nation!--andI hate all politics but theatrical politics. --Where's the MorningChronicle?_Mrs. Dang_. Yes, that's your Gazette. _Dang_. So, here we have it. --[_Reads. ] Theatricalintelligence extraordinary. --We hear there is a new tragedy inrehearsal at Drury Lane Theatre, called the Spanish Armada, saidto be written by Mr. Puff, a gentleman well-known in thetheatrical world. If we may allow ourselves to give credit to thereport of the performers, who, truth to say, are in general butindifferent judges, this piece abounds with the most striking andreceived beauties of modern composition. --_So! I am very gladmy friend Puff's tragedy is in such forwardness. --Mrs. Dangle, mydear, you will be very glad to hear that Puff's tragedy--_Mrs. Dang_. Lord, Mr. Dangle, why will you plague me aboutsuch nonsense?--Now the plays are begun I shall have no peace. --Isn't it sufficient to make yourself ridiculous by your passionfor the theatre, without continually teasing me to join you? Whycan't you ride your hobby-horse without desiring to place me on apillion behind you, Mr. Dangle?_Dang_. Nay, my dear, I was only going to read--_Mrs. Dang_. No, no; you will never read anything that'sworth listening to. You hate to hear about your country; thereare letters every day with Roman signatures, demonstrating thecertainty of an invasion, and proving that the nation is utterlyundone. But you never will read anything to entertain one. _Dang_. What has a woman to do with politics, Mrs. Dangle?_Mrs. Dang_. And what have you to do with the theatre, Mr. Dangle? Why should you affect the character of a critic? I haveno patience with you!--haven't you made yourself the jest of allyour acquaintance by your interference in matters where you haveno business? Are you not called a theatrical Quidnunc, and a mockMaecenas to second-hand authors?_Dang_. True; my power with the managers is prettynotorious. But is it no credit to have applications from allquarters for my interest--from lords to recommend fiddlers, fromladies to get boxes, from authors to get answers, and from actorsto get engagements?_Mrs. Dang_. Yes, truly; you have contrived to get a share inall the plague and trouble of theatrical property, without theprofit, or even the credit of the abuse that attends it. _Dang_. I am sure, Mrs. Dangle, you are no loser by it, however; you have all the advantages of it. Mightn't you, lastwinter, have had the reading of the new pantomime a fortnightprevious to its performance? And doesn't Mr. Fosbrook let youtake places for a play before it is advertised, and set you downfor a box for every new piece through the season? And didn't myfriend, Mr. Smatter, dedicate his last farce to you at myparticular request, Mrs. Dangle?_Mrs. Dang_. Yes; but wasn't the farce damned, Mr. Dangle?And to be sure it is extremely pleasant to have one's house madethe motley rendezvous of all the lackeys of literature; the veryhigh 'Change of trading authors and jobbing critics!--Yes, mydrawing-room is an absolute register-office for candidate actors, and poets without character. --Then to be continually alarmed withmisses and ma'ams piping hysteric changes on Juliets andDorindas, Pollys and Ophelias; and the very furniture tremblingat the probationary starts and unprovoked rants of would-beRichards and Hamlets!--And what is worse than all, now that themanager has monopolized the Opera House, haven't we the signorsand signoras calling here, sliding their smooth semibreves, andgargling glib divisions in their outlandish throats--with foreignemissaries and French spies, for aught I know, disguised likefiddlers and figure dancers?_Dang_. Mercy! Mrs. Dangle!_Mrs. Dang_. And to employ yourself so idly at such analarming crisis as this too--when, if you had the least spirit, you would have been at the head of one of the Westminsterassociations--or trailing a volunteer pike in the ArtilleryGround! But you--o' my conscience, I believe, if the French werelanded to-morrow, your first inquiry would be, whether they hadbrought a theatrical troop with them. _Dang_. Mrs. Dangle, it does not signify--I say the stage is_the mirror of Nature_, and the actors are _the Abstractand brief Chronicles of the Time_: and pray what can a man ofsense study better?--Besides, you will not easily persuade methat there is no credit or importance in being at the head of aband of critics, who take upon them to decide for the whole town, whose opinion and patronage all writers solicit, and whoserecommendation no manager dares refuse. _Mrs. Dang_. Ridiculous!--Both managers and authors of theleast merit laugh at your pretensions. --The public is theircritic--without whose fair approbation they know no play can reston the stage, and with whose applause they welcome such attacksas yours, and laugh at the malice of them, where they can't atthe wit. _Dang_. Very well, madam--very well!_Enter_ SERVANT. _Ser_. Mr. Sneer, sir, to wait on you. _Dang_. Oh, show Mr. Sneer up. --[_Exit_ SERVANT. ]--Plague on't, now we must appear loving and affectionate, or Sneerwill hitch us into a story. _Mrs. Dang_. With all my heart; you can't be more ridiculousthan you are. _Dang_. You are enough to provoke--_Enter_ SNEER. Ha! my dear Sneer, I am vastly glad to see you. --My dear, here'sMr. Sneer. _Mrs. Dang_. Good-morning to you, sir. _Dang_. Mrs. Dangle and I have been diverting ourselves withthe papers. Pray, Sneer, won't you go to Drury Lane Theatre thefirst night of Puff's tragedy?_Sneer_. Yes; but I suppose one shan't be able to get in, for on the first night of a new piece they always fill the housewith orders to support it. But here, Dangle, I have brought youtwo pieces, one of which you must exert yourself to make themanagers accept, I can tell you that; for'tis written by a personof consequence. _Dang_. So! now my plagues are beginning. _Sneer_. Ay, I am glad of it, for now you'll be happy. Why, my dear Dangle, it is a pleasure to see how you enjoy yourvolunteer fatigue, and your solicited solicitations. _Dang_. It's a great trouble--yet, egad, it's pleasant too. --Why, sometimes of a morning I have a dozen people call on me atbreakfast-time, whose faces I never saw before, nor ever desireto see again. _Sneer_. That must be very pleasant indeed!_Dang_. And not a week but I receive fifty letters, and nota line in them about any business of my own. _Sneer_. An amusing correspondence!_Dang_. [_Reading_. ] _Bursts into tears andexit_. --What, is this a tragedy?_Sneer_. No, that's a genteel comedy, not a translation--only taken from the French: it is written in a style which theyhave lately tried to run down; the true sentimental, and nothingridiculous in it from the beginning to the end. _Mrs. Dang_. Well, if they had kept to that, I should nothave been such an enemy to the stage; there was some edificationto be got from those pieces, Mr. Sneer!_Sneer_. I am quite of your opinion, Mrs. Dangle: thetheatre, in proper hands, might certainly be made the school ofmorality; but now, I am sorry to say it, people seem to go thereprincipally for their entertainment!_Mrs. Dang_. It would have been more to the credit of themanagers to have kept it in the other line. _Sneer_. Undoubtedly, madam; and hereafter perhaps to havehad it recorded, that in the midst of a luxurious and dissipatedage, they preserved two houses in the capital, where theconversation was always moral at least, if not entertaining!_Dang_. Now, egad, I think the worst alteration is in thenicety of the audience!--No _double-entendre_, no smartinnuendo admitted; even Vanbrugh and Congreve obliged to undergoa bungling reformation!_Sneer_. Yes, and our prudery in this respect is just on apar with the artificial bashfulness of a courtesan, who increasesthe blush upon her cheek in an exact proportion to the diminutionof her modesty. _Dang_. Sneer can't even give the public a good word! Butwhat have we here?--This seems a very odd--_Sneer_. Oh, that's a comedy on a very new plan; repletewith wit and mirth, yet of a most serious moral! You see it iscalled _The Reformed House-breaker_; where, by the mereforce of humour, house-breaking is put in so ridiculous a light, that if the piece has its proper run, I have no doubt but thatbolts and bars will be entirely useless by the end of the season. _Dang_. Egad, this is new indeed!_Sneer_. Yes; it is written by a particular friend of mine, who has discovered that the follies and foibles of society aresubjects unworthy the notice of the comic muse, who should betaught to stoop only to the greater vices and blacker crimes ofhumanity--gibbeting capital offences in five acts, and pilloryingpetty larcenies in two. --In short, his idea is to dramatize thepenal laws, and make the stage a court of ease to the Old Bailey. _Dang_. It is truly moral. _Re-enter_ SERVANT. _Ser_. Sir Fretful Plagiary, sir. _Dang_. Beg him to walk up. --[_Exit_ SERVANT. ] Now, Mrs. Dangle, Sir Fretful Plagiary is an author to your own taste. _Mrs. Dang_. I confess he is a favourite of mine, becauseeverybody else abuses him. _Sneer_. Very much to the credit of your charity, madam, ifnot of your judgment. _Dang_. But, egad, he allows no merit to any author buthimself, that's the truth on't--though he's my friend. _Sneer_. Never. --He is as envious as an old maid verging onthe desperation of six and thirty; and then the insidioushumility with which he seduces you to give a free opinion on anyof his works, can be exceeded only by the petulant arrogance withwhich he is sure to reject your observations. _Dang_. Very true, egad--though he's my friend. _Sneer_. Then his affected contempt of all newspaperstrictures; though, at the same time, he is the sorest man alive, and shrinks like scorched parchment from the fiery ordeal of truecriticism: yet he is so covetous of popularity, that he hadrather be abused than not mentioned at all. _Dang_. There's no denying it--though he is my friend. _Sneer_. You have read the tragedy he has just finished, haven't you?_Dang_. Oh, yes; he sent it to me yesterday. _Sneer_. Well, and you think it execrable, don't you?_Dang_. Why, between ourselves, egad, I must own--though heis my friend--that it is one of the most--He's here--[_Aside_. ]--finished and most admirable perform--_Sir Fret. [Without_. ] Mr. Sneer with him did you say?_Enter_ SIR FRETFUL PLAGIARY. _Dang_. Ah, my dear friend!--Egad, we were just speaking ofyour tragedy. --Admirable, Sir Fretful, admirable!_Sneer_. You never did anything beyond it, Sir Fretful--never in your life. _Sir Fret_. You make me extremely happy; for without acompliment, my dear Sneer, there isn't a man in the world whosejudgment I value as I do yours and Mr. Dangle's. _Mrs. Dang_. They are only laughing at you, Sir Fretful; forit was but just now that--_Dang_. Mrs. Dangle!--Ah, Sir Fretful, you know Mrs. Dangle. --My friend Sneer was rallying just now:--he knows how sheadmires you, and--_Sir Fret_. O Lord, I am sure Mr. Sneer has more taste andsincerity than to--[_Aside_. ] A damned double-faced fellow!_Dang_. Yes, yes--Sneer will jest--but a better humoured--_Sir Fret_. Oh, I know--_Dang_. He has a ready turn for ridicule--his wit costs himnothing. _Sir Fret_. No, egad--or I should wonder how he came by it. [_Aside_. ]_Mrs. Dang_. Because his jest is always at the expense ofhis friend. [_Aside_. ]_Dang_. But, Sir Fretful, have you sent your play to themanagers yet?--or can I be of any service to you?_Sir Fret_. No, no, I thank you: I believe the piece hadsufficient recommendation with it. --I thank you though. --I sentit to the manager of Covent Garden Theatre this morning. _Sneer_. I should have thought now, that it might have beencast (as the actors call it) better at Drury Lane. _Sir Fret_. O Lud! no--never send a play there while I live--hark'ee![_Whispers_ SNEER. ]_Sneer_. Writes himself!--I know he does. _Sir Fret_. I say nothing--I take away from no man's merit--amhurt at no man's good fortune--I say nothing. --But this Iwill say--through all my knowledge of life, I have observed--thatthere is not a passion so strongly rooted in the human heart asenvy. _Sneer_. I believe you have reason for what you say, indeed. _Sir Fret_. Besides--I can tell you it is not always so safeto leave a play in the hands of those who write themselves. _Sneer_. What, they may steal from them, hey, my dearPlagiary?_Sir Fret_. Steal!--to be sure they may; and, egad, serveyour best thoughts as gypsies do stolen children, disfigure themto make 'em pass for their own. _Sneer_. But your present work is a sacrifice to Melpomene, and he, you know, never--_Sir Fret_. That's no security: a dexterous plagiarist maydo anything. Why, sir, for aught I know, he might take out someof the best things in my tragedy, and put them into his owncomedy. _Sneer_. That might be done, I dare be sworn. _Sir Fret_. And then, if such a person gives you the leasthint or assistance, he is devilish apt to take the merit of thewhole--_Dang_. If it succeeds. _Sir Fret_. Ay, but with regard to this piece, I think I canhit that gentleman, for I can safely swear he never read it. _Sneer_. I'll tell you how you may hurt him more. _Sir Fret_. How?_Sneer_. Swear he wrote it. _Sir Fret_. Plague on't now, Sneer, I shall take it ill!--Ibelieve you want to take away my character as an author. _Sneer_. Then I am sure you ought to be very much obliged tome. _Sir Fret_. Hey!--sir!--_Dang_. Oh, you know, he never means what he says. _Sir Fret_. Sincerely then--do you like the piece?_Sneer_. Wonderfully!_Sir Fret_. But come, now, there must be something that youthink might be mended, hey?--Mr. Dangle, has nothing struck you?_Dang_. Why, faith, it is but an ungracious thing for themost part, to--_Sir Fret_. With most authors it is just so, indeed; theyare in general strangely tenacious! But, for my part, I am neverso well pleased as when a judicious critic points out any defectto me; for what is the purpose of showing a work to a friend, ifyou don't mean to profit by his opinion?_Sneer_. Very true. --Why, then, though I seriously admirethe piece upon the whole, yet there is one small objection;which, if you'll give me leave, I'll mention. _Sir Fret_. Sir, you can't oblige me more. _Sneer_. I think it wants incident. _Sir Fret_. Good God! you surprise me!--wants incident!_Sneer_. Yes; I own I think the incidents are too few. _Sir Fret_. Good God! Believe me, Mr. Sneer, there is noperson for whose judgment I have a more implicit deference. But Iprotest to you, Mr. Sneer, I am only apprehensive that theincidents are too crowded. --My dear Dangle, how does it strikeyou?_Dang_. Really I can't agree with my friend Sneer. I thinkthe plot quite sufficient; and the four first acts by manydegrees the best I ever read or saw in my life. If, I mightventure to suggest anything, it is that the interest rather fallsoff in the fifth. _Sir Fret_. Rises, I believe you mean, sir. _Dang_. No, I don't, upon my word. _Sir Fret_. Yes, yes, you do, upon my soul!--it certainlydon't fall off, I assure you. --No, no; it don't fall off. _Dang_. Now, Mrs. Dangle, didn't you say it struck you inthe same light?_Mrs. Dang_. No, indeed, I did not. --I did not see a faultin any part of the play, from the beginning to the end. _Sir Fret_. Upon my soul, the women are the best judgesafter all!_Mrs. Dang_. Or, if I made any objection, I am sure it wasto nothing in the piece; but that I was afraid it was on thewhole, a little too long. _Sir Fret_. Pray, madam, do you speak as to duration oftime; or do you mean that the story is tediously spun out?_Mrs. Dang_. O Lud! no. --I speak only with reference to theusual length of acting plays. _Sir Fret_. Then I am very happy--very happy indeed--because the play is a short play, a remarkably short play. Ishould not venture to differ with a lady on a point of taste; buton these occasions, the watch, you know, is the critic. _Mrs. Dang_. Then, I suppose, it must have been Mr. Dangle'sdrawling manner of reading it to me. _Sir Fret_. Oh, if Mr. Dangle read it, that's quite anotheraffair!--But I assure you, Mrs. Dangle, the first evening you canspare me three hours and a half, I'll undertake to read you thewhole, from beginning to end, with the prologue and epilogue, andallow time for the music between the acts. _Mrs. Dang_. I hope to see it on the stage next. _Dang_. Well, Sir Fretful, I wish you may be able to get ridas easily of the newspaper criticisms as you do of ours. _Sir Fret_. The newspapers! Sir, they are the mostvillainous--licentious--abominable--infernal. --Not that I everread them--no--I make it a rule never to look into a newspaper. _Dang_. You are quite right; for it certainly must hurt anauthor of delicate feelings to see the liberties they take. _Sir Fret_. No, quite the contrary! their abuse is, in fact, the best panegyric--I like it of all things. An author'sreputation is only in danger from their support. _Sneer_. Why, that's true--and that attack, now, on you theother day--_Sir Fret_. What? where?_Dang_. Ay, you mean in a paper of Thursday: it wascompletely ill-natured, to be sure. _Sir Fret_. Oh so much the better. --Ha! Ha! Ha! I wouldn'thave it otherwise. _Dang_. Certainly it is only to be laughed at; for--_Sir Fret_. You don't happen to recollect what the fellowsaid, do you?_Sneer_. Pray, Dangle--Sir Fretful seems a little anxious--_Sir Fret_. O Lud, no!--anxious!--not I--not the least. --I--but one may as well hear, you know. _Dang_. Sneer, do you recollect?--[_Aside to_ SNEER. ]Make out something. _Sneer_. [_Aside to_ DANGLE. ] I will. --[_Aloud_. ]Yes, yes, I remember perfectly. _Sir Fret_. Well, and pray now--not that it signifies--whatmight the gentleman say?_Sneer_. Why, he roundly asserts that you have not theslightest invention or original genius whatever; though you arethe greatest traducer of all other authors living. _Sir Fret_. Ha! ha! ha!--very good!_Sneer_. That as to comedy, you have not one idea of yourown, he believes, even in your commonplace-book--where strayjokes and pilfered witticisms are kept with as much method as theledger of the lost and stolen office. _Sir Fret_. Ha! ha! ha!--very pleasant!_Sneer_. Nay, that you are so unlucky as not to have theskill even to steal with taste:--but that you glean from therefuse of obscure volumes, where more judicious plagiarists havebeen before you; so that the body of your work is a compositionof dregs and sentiments--like a bad tavern's worst wine. _Sir Fret_. Ha! ha!_Sneer_. In your more serious efforts, he says, your bombastwould be less intolerable, if the thoughts were ever suited tothe expression; but the homeliness of the sentiment staresthrough the fantastic encumbrance of its fine language, like aclown in one of the new uniforms!_Sir Fret_. Ha! ha!_Sneer_. That your occasional tropes and flowers suit thegeneral coarseness of your style, as tambour sprigs would aground of linsey-woolsey; while your imitations of Shakspeareresemble the mimicry of Falstaff's page, and are about as nearthe standard as the original. _Sir Fret_. Ha!_Sneer_. In short, that even the finest passages you stealare of no service to you; for the poverty of your own languageprevents their assimilating; so that they lie on the surface likelumps of marl on a barren moor, encumbering what it is not intheir power to fertilize!_Sir Fret_. [_After great agitation_. ] Now, anotherperson would be vexed at this!_Sneer_. Oh! but I wouldn't have told you--only to divertyou. _Sir Fret_. I know it--I am diverted. --Ha! ha! ha!--not theleast invention!--Ha! ha! ha!--very good!--very good!_Sneer_. Yes--no genius! ha! ha! ha!_Dang_. A severe rogue! ha! ha! ha! But you are quite right, Sir Fretful, never to read such nonsense. _Sir Fret_. To be sure--for if there is anything to one'spraise, it is a foolish vanity to be gratified at it; and, if itis abuse--why one is always sure to hear of it from one damnedgood-natured friend or other!_Enter_ SERVANT. _Ser_. Sir, there is an Italian gentleman, with a Frenchinterpreter, and three young ladies, and a dozen musicians, whosay they are sent by Lady Rondeau and Mrs. Fugue. _Dang_. Gadso! they come by appointment!--Dear Mrs. Dangle, do let them know I'll see them directly. _Mrs. Dang_. You know, Mr. Dangle, I shan't understand aword they say. _Dang_. But you hear there's an interpreter. _Mrs. Dang_. Well, I'll try to endure their complaisancetill you come. [_Exit_. ]_Ser_. And Mr. Puff, sir, has sent word that the lastrehearsal is to be this morning, and that he'll call on youpresently. _Dang_. That's true--I shall certainly be at home. --[_Exit_ SERVANT. ]--now, Sir Fretful, if you have a mind tohave justice done you in the way of answer, egad, Mr. Puff's yourman. _Sir Fret_. Psha! sir, why should I wish to have itanswered, when I tell you I am pleased at it?_Dang_. True, I had forgot that. But I hope you are notfretted at what Mr. Sneer--_Sir Fret_. Zounds! no, Mr. Dangle; don't I tell you thesethings never fret me in the least?_Dang_. Nay, I only thought--_Sir Fret_. And let me tell you, Mr. Dangle, 'tis damnedaffronting in you to suppose that I am hurt when I tell you I amnot. _Sneer_. But why so warm, Sir Fretful?_Sir Fret_. Gad's life! Mr. Sneer, you are as absurd asDangle: how often must I repeat it to you, that nothing can vexme but your supposing it possible for me to mind the damnednonsense you have been repeating to me!--let me tell you, if youcontinue to believe this, you must mean to insult me, gentlemen--and, then, your disrespect will affect me no more than thenewspaper criticisms--and I shall treat it with exactly the samecalm indifference and philosophic contempt--and so your servant. [_Exit. ]Sneer_. Ha! ha! ha! poor Sir Fretful! Now will he go and venthis philosophy in anonymous abuse of all modern critics andauthors. --But, Dangle, you must get your friend Puff to take meto the rehearsal of his tragedy. _Dang_. I'll answer for't, he'll thank you for desiring it. But come and help me to judge of this musical family: they arerecommended by people of consequence, I assure you. _Sneer_. I am at your disposal the whole morning!--but Ithought you had been a decided critic in music as well as inliterature. _Dang_. So I am--but I have a bad ear. I'faith, Sneer, though, I am afraid we were a little too severe on Sir Fretful--though he is my friend. _Sneer_. Why, 'tis certain, that unnecessarily to mortifythe vanity of any writer is a cruelty which mere dulness nevercan deserve; but where a base and personal malignity usurps theplace of literary emulation, the aggressor deserves neitherquarter nor pity. _Dang_. That's true, egad!--though he's my friend!

SCENE II. --_A drawing-room in_ DANGLE'S _House. _MRS. DANGLE, SIGNOR PASTICCIO RITORNELLO, SIGNORE PASTICCIORITORNELLO, INTERPRETER, _and_ MUSICIANS _discovered_. _Interp_. Je dis, madame, j'ai l'honneur to introduce etde vous demander votre protection pour le Signor PasticcioRitornello et pour sa charmante famille. _Signor Past_. Ah! vosignoria, not vi preghiamo difavoritevi colla vostra protezione. _1 Signora Past_. Vosignoria fatevi questi grazie. _2 Signora Past_. Si, signora. _Interp_. Madame--me interpret. --C'est à dire--in English--qu'ils vous prient de leur faire l'honneur--_Mrs. Dang_. I say again, gentlemen, I don't understand aword you say. _Signor Past_. Questo signore spiegheró--_Interp_. Oui--me interpret. --Nous avons les lettres derecommendation pour Monsieur Dangle de--_Mrs. Dang_. Upon my word, sir, I don't understand you. _Signor Past_. La Contessa Rondeau è nostra padrona. _3 Signora Past_. Si, padre, et Miladi Fugue. _Interp_. O!--me interpret. --Madame, ils disent--in English--Qu'ilsont l'honneur d'être protégés de ces dames. --Youunderstand?_Mrs. Dang_. No, sir, --no understand!_Enter_ DANGLE _and_ SNEER. _Interp_. Ah, voici, Monsieur Dangle!_All Italians_. Ah! Signor Dangle!_Mrs. Dang_. Mr. Dangle, here are two very civil gentlementrying to make themselves understood, and I don't know which isthe interpreter. _Dang_. Eh, bien![_The_ INTERPRETER _and_ SIGNOR PASTICCIO _here speakat the same time_. ]_Interp_. Monsieur Dangle, le grand bruit de vos talens pourla critique, et de votre intérêt avec messieurs les directeurs àtous les théâtres--_Signor Past_. Vosignoria siete si famoso par la vostraconoscenza, e vostra interessa colla le direttore da--_Dang_. Egad, I think the interpreter is the hardest to beunderstood of the two!_Sneer_. Why, I thought, Dangle, you had been an admirablelinguist!_Dang_. So I am, if they would not talk so damned fast. _Sneer_. Well, I'll explain that--the less time we lose inbearing them the better--for that, I suppose, is what they arebrought here for. [_Speaks to_ SIGNOR PASTICCIO_--they sing trios, &c. , _DANGLE _beating out of time. ]Enter_ SERVANT _and whispers_ DANGLE. _Dang_. Show him up. --[_Exit_ SERVANT. ] Bravo!admirable! bravissimo! admirablissimo!--Ah! Sneer! where will youfind voices such as these in England?_Sneer_. Not easily. _Dang_. But Puff is coming. --Signor and little signorasobligatissimo!--Sposa Signora Danglena--Mrs. Dangle, shall I begyou to offer them some refreshments, and take their address inthe next room. [_Exit_ MRS. DANGLE _with_ SIGNOR PASTICCIO, SIGNOREPASTICCIO, MUSICIANS, _and_ INTERPRETER, _ceremoniously. _]_Re-enter_ SERVANT. _Ser_. Mr. Puff, sir. [_Exit_. ]_Enter_ PUFF. _Dang_. My dear Puff!_Puff_. My dear Dangle, how is it with you?_Dang_. Mr. Sneer, give me leave to introduce Mr. Puff toyou. _Puff_. Mr. Sneer is this?--Sir, he is a gentleman whom Ihave long panted for the honour of knowing--a gentleman whosecritical talents and transcendent judgment--_Sneer_. Dear Sir--_Dang_. Nay, don't be modest, Sneer; my friend Puff onlytalks to you in the style of his profession. _Sneer_. His profession. _Puff_. Yes, sir; I make no secret of the trade I follow:among friends and brother authors, Dangle knows I love to befrank on the subject, and to advertise myself _viva voce_. --I am, sir, a practitioner in panegyric, or, to speak moreplainly, a professor of the art of puffing, at your service--oranybody else's. _Sneer_. Sir, you are very obliging!--I believe, Mr. Puff, Ihave often admired your talents in the daily prints. _Puff_. Yes, sir, I flatter myself I do as much business inthat way as any six of the fraternity in town. --Devilish hardwork all the summer, friend Dangle, --never worked harder! But, hark'ee, --the winter managers were a little sore, I believe. _Dang_. No; I believe they took it all in good part. _Puff_. Ay! then that must have been affectation in them:for, egad, there were some of the attacks which there was nolaughing at!_Sneer_. Ay, the humorous ones. --But I should think, Mr. Puff, that authors would in general be able to do this sort ofwork for themselves. _Puff_. Why, yes--but in a clumsy way. Besides, we look onthat as an encroachment, and so take the opposite side. I daresay, now, you conceive half the very civil paragraphs andadvertisements you see to be written by the parties concerned, ortheir friends? No such thing: nine out of ten manufactured by mein the way of business. _Sneer_. Indeed!_Puff_. Even the auctioneers now--the auctioneers, I say--thoughthe rogues have lately got some credit for their language--notan article of the merit theirs: take them out of theirpulpits, and they are as dull as catalogues!--No, sir; 'twas Ifirst enriched their style--'twas I first taught them to crowdtheir advertisements with panegyrical superlatives, each epithetrising above the other, like the bidders in their own auctionrooms! From me they learned to inlay their phraseology withvariegated chips of exotic metaphor: by me too their inventivefaculties were called forth:--yes, sir, by me they wereinstructed to clothe ideal walls with gratuitous fruits--toinsinuate obsequious rivulets into visionary groves--to teachcourteous shrubs to nod their approbation of the grateful soil;or on emergencies to raise upstart oaks, where there never hadbeen an acorn; to create a delightful vicinage without theassistance of a neighbour; or fix the temple of Hygeia in thefens of Lincolnshire!_Dang_. I am sure you have done them infinite service; fornow, when a gentleman is ruined, he parts with his house withsome credit. _Sneer_. Service! if they had any gratitude, they woulderect a statue to him; they would figure him as a presidingMercury, the god of traffic and fiction, with a hammer in hishand instead of a caduceus. --But pray, Mr. Puff, what first putyou on exercising your talents in this way?_Puff_. Egad, sir, sheer necessity!--the proper parent of anart so nearly allied to invention. You must know, Mr. Sneer, thatfrom the first time I tried my hand at an advertisement, mysuccess was such, that for some time after I led a mostextraordinary life indeed!_Sneer_. How, pray?_Puff_. Sir, I supported myself two years entirely by mymisfortunes. _Sneer_. By your misfortunes!_Puff_. Yes, sir, assisted by long sickness, and otheroccasional disorders: and a very comfortable living I had of it. _Sneer_. From sickness and misfortunes! You practised as adoctor and an attorney at once?_Puff_. No, egad; both maladies and miseries were my own. _Sneer_. Hey! what the plague!_Dang_. 'Tis true, i'faith. _Puff_. Hark'ee!--By advertisements--. Oh, I understand you. _Puff_. And, in truth, I deserved what I got! for, I supposenever man went through such a series of calamities in the samespace of time. Sir, I was five times made a bankrupt, and reducedfrom a state of affluence, by a train of unavoidable misfortunes:then, sir, though a very industrious tradesman, I was twiceburned out, and lost my little all both times: I lived upon thosefires a month. I soon after was confined by a most excruciatingdisorder, and lost the use of my limbs: that told very well; forI had the case strongly attested, and went about to collect thesubscriptions myself. _Dang_. Egad, I believe that was when you first called onme. _Puff_. In November last?--O no; I was at that time a closeprisoner in the Marshalsea, for a debt benevolently contracted toserve a friend. I was afterwards twice tapped for a dropsy, whichdeclined into a very profitable consumption. I was then reducedto--O no--then, I became a widow with six helpless children, after having had eleven husbands pressed, and being left everytime eight months gone with child, and without money to get meinto an hospital!_Sneer_. And you bore all with patience, I make no doubt?_Puff_. Why yes; though I made some occasional attempts at_felo de se_, but as I did not find those rash actionsanswer, I left off killing myself very soon. Well, sir, at last, what with bankruptcies, fires, gout, dropsies, imprisonments, andother valuable calamities, having got together a pretty handsomesum, I determined to quit a business which had always gone ratheragainst my conscience, and in a more liberal way still to indulgemy talents for fiction and embellishment, through my favouritechannels of diurnal communication--and so, sir, you have myhistory. _Sneer_. Most obligingly communicative indeed! and yourconfession, if published, might certainly serve the cause of truecharity, by rescuing the most useful channels of appeal tobenevolence from the cant of imposition. But, surely, Mr. Puff, there is no great mystery in your present profession?_Puff_. Mystery, sir! I will take upon me to say the matterwas never scientifically treated nor reduced to rule before. _Sneer_. Reduced to rule!_Puff_. O Lud, sir, you are very ignorant, I am afraid!--Yes, sir, . Puffing is of various sorts; the principal are, thepuff direct, the puff preliminary, the puff collateral, the puffcollusive, and the puff oblique, or puff by implication. Theseall assume, as circumstances require, the various forms of Letterto the Editor, Occasional Anecdote, Impartial Critique, Observation from Correspondent, or Advertisement from the Party. _Sneer_. The puff direct, I can conceive--_Puff_. O yes, that's simple enough! For instance, --a newcomedy or farce is to be produced at one of the theatres (thoughby-the-by they don't bring out half what they ought to do)--theauthor, suppose Mr. Smatter, or Mr. Dapper, or any particularfriend of mine--very, well; the day before it is to be performed, I write an account of the manner in which it was received; I havethe plot from the author, and only add--"characters stronglydrawn--highly coloured--hand of a master--fund of genuine humour--mineof invention--neat dialogue--Attic salt. " Then for theperformance--"Mr. Dodd was astonishingly great in the characterof Sir Harry. That universal and judicious actor, Mr. Palmer, perhaps never appeared to more advantage than in the colonel;--butit is not in the power of language to do justice to Mr. King:indeed he more than merited those repeated bursts of applausewhich he drew from a most brilliant and judicious audience. As tothe scenery--the miraculous powers of Mr. De Loutherbourg'spencil are universally acknowledged. In short, we are at a losswhich to admire most, the unrivalled genius of the author, thegreat attention and liberality of the managers, the wonderfulabilities of the painter, or the incredible exertions of all theperformers. "_Sneer_. That's pretty well indeed, sir. _Puff_. Oh, cool!--quite cool!--to what I sometimes do. _Sneer_. And do you think there are any who are influencedby this?_Puff_. O Lud, yes, sir! the number of those who undergo thefatigue of judging for themselves is very small indeed. _Sneer_. Well, sir, the puff preliminary. _Puff_. O, that, sir, does well in the form of a caution. Ina matter of gallantry now--Sir Flimsy Gossamer wishes to be wellwith Lady Fanny Fete--he applies to me--I open trenches for himwith a paragraph in the Morning Post. --"It is recommended to thebeautiful and accomplished Lady F four stars F dash E to be onher guard against that dangerous character, Sir F dash G; who, however pleasing and insinuating his manners may be, is certainlynot remarkable _for the constancy of his attachments_!"--in italics. Here, you see, Sir Flimsy Gossamer is introduced tothe particular notice of Lady Fanny, who perhaps never thought ofhim before--she finds herself publicly cautioned to avoid him, which naturally makes her desirous of seeing him; the observationof their acquaintance causes a pretty kind of mutualembarrassment; this produces a sort of sympathy of interest, which if Sir Flimsy is unable to improve effectually, he at leastgains the credit of having their names mentioned together, by aparticular set, and in a particular way--which nine times out often is the full accomplishment of modern gallantry. _Dang_. Egad, Sneer, you will be quite an adept in thebusiness. _Puff_. Now, Sir, the puff collateral is much used as anappendage to advertisements, and may take the form of anecdote, --"Yesterday, as the celebrated George Bonmot was sauntering downSt. James's Street, he met the lively Lady Mary Myrtle coming outof the park:--'Good God, Lady Mary, I'm surprised to meet you ina white jacket, --for I expected never to have seen you, but in afull-trimmed uniform and a light horseman's cap!'--'Heavens, George, where could you have learned that?'--'Why, ' replied thewit, ' I just saw a print of you, in a new publication calledthe Camp Magazine; which, by-the-by, is a 'devilish clever thing, and is sold at No. 3, on the right hand of the way, two doorsfrom the printing-office, the corner of Ivy Lane, PaternosterRow, price only one shilling. '"_Sneer_. Very ingenious indeed!_Puff_. But the puff collusive is the newest of any; for itacts in the disguise of determined hostility. It is much used bybold booksellers and enterprising poets. --"An indignantcorrespondent observes, that the new poem called Beelsebub'sCotillon, or Proserpine's Fête Champêtre, is one of the mostunjustifiable performances he ever read. The severity with whichcertain characters are handled is quite shocking: and as thereare many descriptions in it too warmly coloured for femaledelicacy, the shameful avidity with which this piece is bought byall people of fashion is a reproach on the taste of the times, and a disgrace to the delicacy of the age. " Here you see the twostrongest inducements are held forth; first, that nobody ought toread it; and secondly, that everybody buys it: on the strength ofwhich the publisher boldly prints the tenth edition, before hehad sold ten of the first; and then establishes it by threateninghimself with the pillory, or absolutely indicting himself for_scan. Mag. __Dang_. Ha! ha! ha!--'gad, I know it is so. _Puff_. As to the puff oblique, or puff by implication, itis too various and extensive to be illustrated by an instance: itattracts in titles and resumes in patents; it lurks in thelimitation of a subscription, and invites in the assurance ofcrowd and incommodation at public places; it delights to drawforth concealed merit, with a most disinterested assiduity; andsometimes wears a countenance of smiling censure and tenderreproach. It has a wonderful memory for parliamentary debates, and will often give the whole speech of a favoured member withthe most flattering accuracy. But, above all, it is a greatdealer in reports and suppositions. It has the earliestintelligence of intended preferments that will reflect honour onthe patrons; and embryo promotions of modest gentlemen, who knownothing of the matter themselves. It can hint a ribbon forimplied services in the air of a common report; and with thecarelessness of a casual paragraph, suggest officers intocommands, to which they have no pretension but their wishes. This, sir, is the last principal class of the art of puffing--anart which I hope you will now agree with me is of the highestdignity, yielding a tablature of benevolence and public spirit;befriending equally trade, gallantry, criticism, and politics:the applause of genius--the register of charity--the triumph ofheroism--the self-defence of contractors--the fame of orators--andthe gazette of ministers. _Sneer_. Sir, I am completely a convert both to the importanceand ingenuity of your profession; and now, sir, there isbut one thing which can possibly increase my respect for you, andthat is, your permitting me to be present this morning at therehearsal of your new trage--_Puff_. Hush, for heaven's sake!--_My_ tragedy!--Egad, Dangle, I take this very ill: you know how apprehensive I am ofbeing known to be the author. _Dang_. I'faith I would not have told--but it's in thepapers, and your name at length in the Morning Chronicle. _Puff_. Ah! those damned editors never can keep a secret I--Well, Mr. Sneer, no doubt you will do me great honour--I shallbe infinitely happy--highly flattered--Dang. I believe it mustbe near the time--shall we go together?_Puff_. No; it will, not be yet this hour, for they arealways late at that theatre: besides, I must meet you there, forI have some little matters here to send to the papers, and a fewparagraphs to scribble before I go. --[_Looking atmemorandums. _] Here is _A conscientious Baker, on thesubject of the Army Bread; and a Detester of visible Brick-work, in favour of the new invented Stucco_; both in the style ofJunius, and promised for to-morrow. The Thames navigation too isat a stand. Misomud or Anti-shoal must go to work againdirectly. --Here too are some political memorandums--I see; ay--_To take Paul Jones and get the Indiamen out of the Shannon--reinforce Byron--compel the Dutch to_--so!--I must do that inthe evening papers, or reserve it for the Morning Herald; for Iknow that I have undertaken to-morrow, besides, to establish theunanimity of the fleet in the Public Advertiser, and to shootCharles Fox in the Morning Post. --So, egad, I ha'n't a moment tolose. _Dang_. Well, we'll meet in the Green Room. [Exeunt severally. 

ACT II. 

SCENE I. --The Theatre before the Curtain. _Enter_ DANGLE, PUFF, and SNEER. _Puff_: No, no, sir; what Shakspeare says of actors may bebetter applied to the purpose of plays; they ought to be theabstract and brief chronicles of the time. Therefore whenhistory, and particularly the history of our own country, furnishes anything like a case in point, to the time in which anauthor writes, if he knows his own interest, he will takeadvantage of it; so, sir, I call my tragedy The Spanish Armada;and have laid the scene before Tilbury Fort. _Sneer_. A most happy thought, certainly I Dang. Egad itwas--I told you so. But, pray now, I don't understand how youhave contrived to introduce any love into it. _Puff_. Love! oh, nothing so easy! for it is a receivedpoint among poets, that where history gives you a good heroicoutline for a play, you may fill up with a little love at yourown discretion: in doing which, nine times out of ten, you onlymake up a deficiency in the private history of the times. Now, Irather think I have done this with some success. _Sneer_. No scandal about Queen Elizabeth, I hope?_Puff_. O Lud! no, no;--I only suppose the governor ofTilbury Fort's daughter to be in love with the son of the Spanishadmiral. _Sneer_. Oh, is that all!_Dang_. Excellent, i'faith! I see at once. But won't thisappear rather improbable?_Puff_. To be sure it will--but what the plague! a play isnot to show occurrences that happen every day, but things just sostrange, that though they never did, they might happen. _Sneer_. Certainly nothing is unnatural, that is notphysically impossible. _Puff_. Very true--and for that matter Don FeroloWhiskerandos, for that's the lover's name, might have been overhere in the train of the Spanish ambassador, or Tilburina, forthat is the lady's name, might have been in love with him, fromhaving heard his character, or seen his picture; or from knowingthat he was the last man in the world she ought to be in lovewith--or for any other good female reason. --However; sir, thefact is, that though she is but a knight's daughter, egad! she isin love like any princess!_Dang_. Poor young lady! I feel for her already! for I canconceive how great the conflict must be between her passion andher duty; her love for her country, and her love for Don FeroloWhiskerandos!_Puff_. Oh, amazing!--her poor susceptible heart is swayedto and fro by contending passions like--_Enter_ UNDER PROMPTER. _Und. Promp_. Sir, the scene is set, and everything is readyto begin, if you please. _Puff_. Egad, then we'll lose no time. _Und. Promp_. Though, I believe, sir, you will find it veryshort, for all the performers have profited by the kindpermission you granted them. _Puff_. Hey! what?_Und. Promp_. You know, sir, you gave them leave to cut outor omit whatever they found heavy or unnecessary to the plot, andI must own they have taken very liberal advantage of yourindulgence. _Puff_. Well, well. --They are in general very good judges, and I know I am luxuriant. --Now, Mr. Hopkins, as soon as youplease. _Und. Promp_. [_To the_ Orchestra. ] Gentlemen, will youplay a few bars of something, just to--_Puff_. Ay, that's right; for as we have the scenes anddresses, egad, we'll go to't, as if it was the first night'sperformance, --but you need not mind stopping between the acts--[_Exit_ UNDER PROMPTER. --Orchestra _play--then the bell

rings_. ] Soh! stand clear; gentlemen. Now you know there willbe a cry of down! down!--Hats off!--Silence!--Then up curtain, and let us see what our painters have done for us. [_Curtainrises_. ]

SCENE II. --_Tilbury Fort_. "_Two_ SENTINELS _discovered asleep_. "_Dang_. Tilbury Fort!--very fine indeed!_Puff_. Now, what do you think I open with?_Sneer_. Faith, I can't guess--_Puff_. A clock. --Hark!--[_Clock strikes_. ] I open witha clock striking, to beget an awful attention in the audience: italso marks the time, which is four o'clock in the morning, andsaves a description of the rising sun, and a great deal aboutgilding the eastern hemisphere. _Pang_. But pray, are the sentinels to be asleep?_Puff_. Fast as watchmen. _Sneer_. Isn't that odd though at such an alarming crisis?_Puff_. To be sure it is, --but smaller things must give wayto a striking scene at the opening; that's a rule. And the caseis, that two great men are coming to this very spot to begin thepiece; now it is not to be supposed they would open their lips, if these fellows were watching them; so, egad, I must either havesent them off their posts, or set them asleep. _Sneer_. Oh, that accounts for it. But tell us, who arethese coming?_Puff_. These are they--Sir Walter Raleigh, and SirChristopher Hatton. You'll know Sir Christopher by his turningout his toes--famous, you know, for his dancing. I like topreserve all the little traits of character. --Now attend. "_Enter_ SIR WALTER RALEIGH and SIR CHRISTOPHER HATTON. _Sir Christ_. True, gallant Raleigh!"_Dang_. What, they had been talking before?_Puff_. O yes; all the way as they came along. --[To theactors. ] I beg pardon, gentlemen, but these are particularfriends of mine, whose remarks may be of great service to us. --[_To_ SNEER _and_ DANGLE. ] Don't mind interrupting themwhenever anything strikes you. "_Sir Christ_. 

 True, gallant Raleigh But oh, thou champion of thy country's fame, There is a question which I yet must ask A question which I never ask'd before-- What mean these mighty armaments? This general muster? and this throng of chiefs?"

_Sneer_. Pray, Mr. Puff, how came Sir Christopher Hattonnever to ask that question before?_Puff_. What before the play began?-how the plague could he?_Dang_. That's true, i'faith!_Puff_. But you will hear what he thinks of the matter. _Sir Christ_. 

 "Alas I my noble friend, when I behold Yon tented plains in martial symmetry Array'd; when I count o'er yon glittering lines Of crested warriors, where the proud steeds' neigh, And valour-breathing trumpet's shrill appeal, Responsive vibrate on my listening ear; When virgin majesty herself I view, Like her protecting Pallas, veil'd in steel, With graceful confidence exhort to arms! When, briefly, all I hear or see bears stamp Of martial vigilance and stern defence, I cannot but surmise--forgive, my friend, If the conjecture's rash--I cannot but Surmise the state some danger apprehends!"

_Sneer_. A very cautious conjecture that. _Puff_. Yes, that's his character; not to give an opinionbut on secure grounds. --Now then. _Sir Walt_. 

 "O most accomplish'd Christopher!"--

_Puff_. He calls him by his Christian name, to show thatthey are on the most familiar terms. _Sir Walt_. O most accomplish'd Christopher! I find Thystaunch sagacity still tracks the future, In the fresh print ofthe o'ertaken past. "_Puff_. Figurative!_Sir Walt_. Thy fears are just. _Sir Christ_. But where? whence? when? and what The dangeris, --methinks I fain would learn. _Sir Walt_. You know, my friend, scarce two revolving suns, And three revolving moons, have closed their course Since haughtyPhilip, in despite of peace, With hostile hand hath struck atEngland's trade. _Sir Christ_. I know it well. _Sir Walt_. Philip, you know, is proud Iberia's king!_Sir Christ_. He is. _Sir Walt_. His subjects in base bigotry And Catholicoppression held;-while we, You know, the Protestant persuasionhold. _Sir Christ_. We do. _Sir Walt_. You know, beside, his boasted armament, Thefamed Armada, by the Pope baptized, With purpose to invade theserealms--_Sir Christ_. Is sailed, Our last advices so report. _Sir Walt_. While the Iberian admiral's chief hope, Hisdarling son--_Sir Christ_. Ferolo Whiskerandos hight--_Sir Walt_. The same--by chance a prisoner hath been ta'en, And in this fort of Tilbury--_Sir Christ_. Is now Confined--'tis true, and oft from yontall turret's top I've mark'd the youthful Spaniard's haughtymien Unconquer'd, though in chains. _Sir Walt_. You also know--Dang. Mr. Puff, as he knows all this, why does Sir Walter go ontelling him?_Puff_. But the audience are not supposed to know any-thingof the matter, are they?Sneer. True; but I think you manage ill: for there certainlyappears no reason why Sir Walter should be so communicative. _Puff_. 'Fore Gad, now, that is one of the most ungratefulobservations I ever heard!--for the less inducement he has totell all this, the more, I think, you ought to be obliged to him;for I am sure you'd know nothing of the matter without it. _Dang_. That's very true, upon my word. _Puff_. But you will find he was not going on. "_Sir Christ_. Enough, enough--'tis plain--and I no more Amin amazement lost!"--_Puff_. Here, now you see, Sir Christopher did not in factask any one question for his own information. _Sneer_. No, indeed: his has been a most disinterestedcuriosity!_Dang_. Really, I find that we are very much obliged to themboth. _Puff_. To be sure you are. Now then for the commander-in-chief, the Earl of Leicester, who, you know, was no favourite butof the queen's. --We left off--_in amazement lost!_"_Sir Christ_. Am in amazement lost. But, see where nobleLeicester comes supreme in honours and command. _Sir Walt_. And yet, methinks, At such a time, so perilous, so fear'd, That staff might well become an abler grasp. _Sir Christ_. And so, by Heaven! think I; but soft, he'shere!"_Puff_. Ay, they envy him!_Sneer_. But who are these with him?_Puff_. Oh! very valiant knights: one is the governor of thefort, the other the master of the horse. And now, I think, youshall hear some better language: I was obliged to be plain andintelligible in the first scene, because there was so much matterof fact in it; but now, i'faith, you have trope, figure, andmetaphor, as plenty as noun-substantives. "_Enter_ EARL OF LEICESTER, GOVERNOR, MASTER OF THE HORSE, KNIGHTS, &c. _Leic_. 

 How's this, my friends! is't thus your new-fledged zeal, And plumed valour moulds in roosted sloth? Why dimly glimmers that heroic flame, Whose reddening blaze, by patriot spirit fed, Should be the beacon of a kindling realm? Can the quick current of a patriot heart Thus stagnate in a cold and weedy converse, Or freeze in tideless inactivity? No! rather let the fountain of your valour Spring through each stream of enterprise, Each petty channel of conducive daring, Till the full torrent of your foaming wrath O'erwhelm the flats of sunk hostility!"

_Puff_. There it is--followed up!"_Sir Walt_. 

 No more!--the freshening breath of thy rebuke Hath fill'd the swelling canvas of our souls! And thus, though fate should cut the cable of [_All take hands. _] Our topmost hopes, in friendship's closing line We'll grapple with despair, and if we fall, We'll fall in glory's wake!

_Leic_. 

 There spoke old England's genius! Then, are we all resolved?

_All_. 

 We are--all resolved. 

_Leic_. 

 To conquer--or be free?

_All_. 

 To conquer, or be free. 

_Leic_. 

 All?

_All_. 

 All. "

_Dang. Nem. Con_. Egad!_Puff_. O yes!--where they do agree on the stage, theirunanimity is wonderful!"_Leic_. 

 Then let's embrace--and now--[_Kneels. _"

_Sneer_. What the plague, is he going to pray?_Puff_. Yes; hush!--in great emergencies, there Is nothinglike a prayer. "_Leic_. 

 O mighty Mars!"

_Dang_. But why should he pray to Mars?_Puff_. Hush!"_Leic_. 

 If in thy homage bred, Each point of discipline I've still observed; Nor but by due promotion, and the right Of service, to the rank of major-general Have risen; assist thy votary now!

_Gov_. 

 Yet do not rise--hear me! [_Kneels. _]

_Mast_. 

 And me! [_Kneels. ]

Knight_. 

 And me! [_Kneels. ]

Sir Walt_. 

And me! [_Kneels. ]

Sir Christ_. 

 And me! [_Kneels. ]"

_Puff_. Now pray altogether. "_All_. 

 Behold thy votaries submissive beg, That thou wilt deign to grant them all they ask; Assist them to accomplish all their ends, And sanctify whatever means they use To gain them!"

_Sneer_. A very orthodox quintetto!_Puff_. Vastly well, gentlemen!--Is that well managed ornot? Have you such a prayer as that on the stage?_Sneer_. Not exactly. _Leic. _ [_To_ PUFF. ] But, sir, you haven't settled howwe are to get off here. _Puff_. You could not go off kneeling, could you?_Sir Walt. _ [_To_ PUFF. ] O no, sir; impossible!_Puff_. It would have a good effect i'faith, if you couldexeunt praying!--Yes, and would vary the established mode ofspringing off with a glance at the pit. _Sneer_. Oh, never mind, so as you get them off!--I'llanswer for it, the audience won't care how. _Puff_. Well, then, repeat the last line standing, and gooff the old way. "_All_. And sanctify whatever means we use To gain them. [_Exeunt_. ]"_Dang_. Bravo! a fine exit. _Sneer_. Well, really, Mr. Puff--_Puff_. Stay a moment!"_The_ SENTINELS _get up. _1 Sent_. All this shall to Lord Burleigh's ear. _2 Sent_. 'Tis meet it should. [_Exeunt_. ]"_Dang_. Hey!--why, I thought those fellows had been asleep?_Puff_. Only a pretence; there's the art of it: they werespies of Lord Burleigh's. _Sneer_. But isn't it odd they never were taken notice of, not even by the commander-in-chief?_Puff_. O Lud, sir! if people who want to listen, oroverhear, were not always connived at in a tragedy, there wouldbe no carrying on any plot in the world. _Dang_. That's certain. _Puff_. But take care, my dear Dangle! the morning gun isgoing to fire. [_Cannon fires_. ]_Dang_. Well, that will have a fine effect!_Puff_. I think so, and helps to realize the scene. --[_Cannon twice_. ] What the plague! three morning guns! therenever is but one!--Ay, this is always the way at the theatre:give these fellows a good thing, and they never know when to havedone with it. --You have no more cannon to fire?_Und. Promp_. [_Within_. ] No, sir. _Puff_. Now, then, for soft music. _Sneer_. Pray, what's that for?_Puff_. It shows that Tilburina is coming!--nothing introducesyou a heroine like soft music. Here she comes!_Dang_. And her confidant, I suppose?_Puff_. To be sure! Here they are--inconsolable to theminuet in Ariadne! [Soft music. ]"_Enter_ TILNURINA _and_ CONFIDANT. _Tilb_. 

 Now has the whispering breath of gentle morn Bid Nature's voice and Nature's beauty rise; While orient Phoebus, with unborrow'd hues, Clothes the waked loveliness which all night slept In heavenly drapery I Darkness is fled. Now flowers unfold their beauties to the sun, And, blushing, kiss the beam he sends to wake them-- The striped carnation, and the guarded rose, The vulgar wallflower, and smart gillyflower, The polyanthus mean--the dapper daisy, Sweet-William, and sweet marjoram--and all The tribe of single and of double pinks! Now, too, the feather'd warblers tune their notes Around, and charm the listening grove. The lark! The linnet! chaffinch! bullfinch! goldfinch! greenfinch! But O, to me no joy can they afford! Nor rose, nor wallflower, nor smart gillyflower, Nor polyanthus mean, nor dapper daisy, Nor William sweet, nor marjoram--nor lark, Linnet nor all the finches of the grove!"

_Puff_. Your white handkerchief, madam!--_Tilb_. I thought, sir, I wasn't to use that till _heart-rendingwoe_. _Puff_. O yes, madam, at _the finches of the grove_, ifyou please. "_Tilb_. 

 Nor lark, Linnet, nor all the finches of the grove! [Weeps. ]

_Puff_. Vastly well, madam! _Dang_. Vastly well, indeed!"_Tilb_. 

 For, O, too sure, heart-rending woe is now The lot of wretched Tilburina!"

_Dang_. Oh!--it's too much. _Sneer_. Oh!--it is indeed. "_Con_. 

 Be comforted, sweet lady; for who knows, But Heaven has yet some milk-white day in store?

_Tilb_. Alas! my gentle Nora, Thy tender youth as yet hathnever mourn'd Love's fatal dart. Else wouldst thou know, thatwhen The soul is sunk in comfortless despair, It cannot taste ofmerriment. "_Dang_. That's certain. "_Con_. But see where your stern father comes It is not meetthat he should find you thus. "_Puff_. Hey, what the plague!--what a cut is here! Why, whatis become of the description of her first meeting with DonWhiskerandos--his gallant behaviour in the sea-fight--and thesimile of the canary-bird?_Tilb_. Indeed, sir, you'll find they will not be missed. _Puff_. Very well, very well!_Tilb_. [_To_ CONFIDANT. ] The cue, ma'am, if youplease. "_Con_. It is not meet that he should find you thus. _Tilb_. Thou counsel'st right; but 'tis no easy task Forbarefaced grief to wear a mask of joy. _Enter_. GOVERNOR.. _Gov_. How's this!--in tears?--O Tilburina, shame! Is this atime for maudling tenderness, And Cupid's baby woes?--Hast thounot heard That haughty Spain's pope-consecrated fleet Advances toour shores, while England's fate, Like a clipp'd guinea, tremblesin the scale?_Tilb_. Then is the crisis of my fate at hand! I see thefleets approach--I see--"_Puff_. Now, pray, gentlemen, mind. This is one of the mostuseful figures we tragedy writers have, by which a hero orheroine, in consideration of their being often obliged tooverlook things that are on the stage, is allowed to hear and seea number of things that are not. _Sneer_. Yes; a kind of poetical second-sight!_Puff_. Yes. --Now then, madam. "_Tilb_. I see their decks Are clear'd!--I see the signalmade! The line is form'd!--a cable's length asunder! I see thefrigates station'd in the rear; And now, I hear the thunder ofthe guns! I hear the victor's shouts--I also hear The vanquish'dgroan!--and now 'tis smoke-and now I see the loose sails shiver inthe wind! I see--I see--what soon you'll see--_Gov_. Hold, daughter! peace! this love hath turn'd thybrain The Spanish fleet thou canst not see--because--It is notyet in sight!"_Dang_. Egad, though, the governor seems to make noallowance for this poetical figure you talk of. _Puff_. No, a plain matter-of-fact man;--that's hischaracter. "_Tilb_. But will you then refuse his offer?_Gov_. I must--I will--I can--I ought--I do. _Tilb_. Think what a noble price. _Gov_. No more--you urge in vain. _Tilb_. His liberty is all he asks. "_Sneer_. All who asks, Mr. Puff? Who is--_Puff_. Egad, sir, I can't tell! Here has been such cuttingand slashing, I don't know where they have got to myself. _Tilb_. Indeed, sir, you will find it will connect verywell. "--And your reward secure. "_Puff_. Oh, if they hadn't been so devilish free with theircutting here, you would have found that Don Whiskerandos has beentampering for his liberty, and has persuaded Tilburina to makethis proposal to her father. And now, pray observe theconciseness with which the argument is conducted. Egad, the_pro_ and _con_ goes as smart as hits in a fencingmatch. It is indeed a sort of small-sword-logic, which we haveborrowed from the French. "_Tilb_. A retreat in Spain!_Gov_. Outlawry here!_Tilb_. Your daughter's prayer!_Gov_. Your father's oath!_Tilb_. My lover!_Gov_. My country!_Tilb_. Tilburina!_Gov_. England!_Tilb_. A title!_Gov_. Honour!_Tilb_. A pension!_Gov_. Conscience!_Tilb_. A thousand pounds!_Gov_. Ha! thou hast touch'd me nearly!"_Puff_. There you see-she threw in _Tilburina_. Quick, parry Carte with _England_! Ha! thrust in tierce _atitle_!--parried by _honour_. Ha! _a pension_ overthe arm!--put by by _conscience_. Then flankonade with _athousand pounds_--and a palpable hit, egad!"_Tilb_. Canst thou--Reject the suppliant, and the daughtertoo?_Gov_. No more; I would not hear thee plead in vain: Thefather softens--but the governor Is fix'd! [_Exit_. ]"_Dang_. Ay, that antithesis of persons is a most establishedfigure. "_Tilb_. 'Tis well, --hence then, fond hopes, --fond passionhence; Duty, behold I am all over thine--_Whisk_. [_Without_. ] Where is my love--my--_Tilb_. Ha!_Enter_ DON FEROLO WHISKERANDOS. _Whisk_. My beauteous enemy!--"_Puff_. O dear, ma'am, you must start a great deal more thanthat! Consider, you had just determined in favour of duty--when, in a moment, the sound of his voice revives your passion--overthrows your resolution--destroys your obedience. If you don'texpress all that in your start, you do nothing at all. _Tilb_. Well, we'll try again. _Dang_. Speaking from within has always a fine effect. _Sneer_. Very. "_Whisk_. My conquering Tilburina! How! is't thus We meet?why are thy looks averse? what means That falling tear--thatfrown of boding woe? Ha! now indeed I am a prisoner! Yes, now Ifeel the galling weight of these Disgraceful chains--which, cruelTilburina! Thy doting captive gloried in before. --But thou artfalse, and Whiskerandos is undone!_Tilb_. O no! how little dost thou know thy Tilburina!_Whisk_. Art thou then true?--Begone cares, doubts, andfears, I make you all a present to the winds; And if the windsreject you--try the waves. "_Puff_. The wind, you know, is the established receiver ofall stolen sighs, and cast-off griefs and apprehensions. "_Tilb_. Yet must we part!--stern duty seals our doom Thoughhere I call yon conscious clouds to witness, Could I pursue thebias of my soul, All friends, all right of parents, I'd disclaim, And thou, my Whiskerandos, shouldst be father And mother, brother, cousin, uncle, aunt, And friend to me!_Whisk_. Oh, matchless excellence! and must we part? Well, if--we must--we must--and in that case The less is said thebetter. "_Puff_. Heyday! here's a cut!--What, are all the mutualprotestations out?_Tilb_. Now, pray, sir, don't interrupt us just here: youruin our feelings. _Puff_. Your feelings!--but, zounds, my feelings, ma'am!_Sneer_. No, pray don't interrupt them. "_Whisk_. One last embrace. _Tilb_. Now, --farewell, for ever. _Whisk_. For ever!_Tilb_. Ay, for ever! [_Going_. ]"_Puff_. 'Sdeath and fury!--Gad's life!--sir! madam! if yougo out without the parting look, you might as well dance out. Here, here!_Con_. But pray, sir, how am I to get off here?_Puff_. You! pshaw! what the devil signifies how you getoff! edge away at the top, or where you will--[_Pushes the_CONFIDANT _off_. ] Now, ma'am, you see--_Tilb_. We understand you, sir. "Ay, for ever. _Both_. Oh! [_Turning back, and exeunt. --Scenecloses_. ]"_Dang_. Oh, charming!_Puff_. Hey!--'tis pretty well, I believe: you see I don'tattempt to strike out anything new--but I take it I improve onthe established modes. _Sneer_. You do, indeed! But pray is not Queen Elizabeth toappear?_Puff_. No, not once--but she is to be talked of for ever;so that, egad, you'll think a hundred times that she is on thepoint of coming in. _Sneer_. Hang it, I think it's a pity to keep her in thegreen-room all the night. _Puff_. O no, that always has a fine effect--it keeps upexpectation. _Dang_. But are we not to have a battle?_Puff_. Yes, yes, you will have a battle at last: but, egad, it's not to be by land, but by sea--and that is the only quitenew thing in the piece. _Dang_. What, Drake at the Armada, hey?_Puff_. Yes, i'faith--fire-ships and all; then we shall endwith the procession. Hey, that will do, I think?, _Sneer_. No doubt on't. _Puff_. Come, we must not lose time; so now for the under-plot. _Sneer_. What the plague, have you another plot?_Puff_. O Lord, yes; ever while you live have two plots toyour tragedy. The grand point in managing them is only to letyour under-plot have as little connection with your main-plot aspossible. --I flatter myself nothing can be more distinct thanmine; for as in my chief plot the characters are all greatpeople, I have laid my under-plot in low life, and as the formeris to end in deep distress, I make the other end as happy as afarce. --Now, Mr. Hopkins, as soon as you please. _Enter_ UNDER PROMPTER. _Under Promp_. Sir, the carpenter says it is impossible youcan go to the park scene yet. _Puff_. The park scene! no! I mean the description scenehere, in the wood. _Under Promp_. Sir, the performers have cut it out. _Puff_. Cut it out!_Under Promp_. Yes, sir. _Puff_. What! the whole account of Queen Elizabeth?_Under Promp_. Yes, sir. _Puff_. And the description of her horse and side-saddle?_Under Promp_. Yes, sir. _Puff_. So, so; this is very fine indeed!--Mr. Hopkins, howthe plague could you suffer this?_Mr. Hop_. [_Within. _] Sir, indeed the pruning-knife--_Puff_. The pruning-knife--zounds!--the axe! Why, here hasbeen such lopping and topping, I shan't have the bare trunk of myplay left presently!--Very well, sir--the performers must do asthey please; but, upon my soul, I'll print it every word. _Sneer_. That I would, indeed. _Puff_. Very well, sir; then we must go on. --Zounds! I wouldnot have parted with the description of the horse!--Well, sir, go on. --Sir, it was one of the finest and most laboured things. --Very well, sir; let them go on. --There you had him and hisaccoutrements, from the bit to the crupper. --Very well, sir; wemust go to the park scene. _Under Promp_. Sir, there is the point: the carpenters say, that unless there is some business put in here before the drop, they sha'n't have time to clear away the fort, or sink Gravesendand the river. _Puff_. So! this is a pretty dilemma, truly!--Gentlemen, youmust excuse me--these fellows will never be ready, unless I goand look after them myself. _Sneer_. O dear, sir, these little things will happen. _Puff_. To cut out this scene!--but I'll print it--egad, I'll print it every word! [_Exeunt_. ]

ACT III. 

SCENE I. --_The Theatre, before the curtain. __Enter_ PUFF, SNEER, _and_ DANGLE. _Puff_. Well, we are ready; now then for the justices. [_Curtain rises. _]"JUSTICES, CONSTABLES, &c. , _discovered_. "_Sneer_. This, I suppose, is a sort of senate scene. _Puff_. To be sure; there has not been one yet. _Dang_. It is the under-plot, isn't it?_Puff_. Yes. --What, gentlemen, do you mean to go at once tothe discovery scene?_Just_. If you please, sir. _Puff_. Oh, very well!--Hark'ee, I don't choose to sayanything more; but, i'faith they have mangled my play in a mostshocking manner. _Dang_. It's a great pity!_Puff_. Now, then, Mr. Justice, if you please. "_Just_. Are all the volunteers without?_Const_. They are. Some ten in fetters, and some twentydrunk. _Just_. Attends the youth, whose most opprobrious fame Andclear convicted crimes have stamp'd him soldier?_Const_. He waits your pleasure; eager to repay The bestreprieve that sends him to the fields Of glory, there to raisehis branded hand In honour's cause. _Just_. 'Tis well--'tis justice arms him! Oh! may he nowdefend his country's laws With half the spirit he has broke themall! If 'tis your worship's pleasure, bid him enter. _Const_. I fly, the herald of your will. [_Exit. _]"_Puff_. Quick, sir. _Sneer_. But, Mr. Puff, I think not only the justice, butthe clown seems to talk in as high a style as the first heroamong them. _Puff_. Heaven forbid they should not in a free country!--Sir, I am not for making slavish distinctions, and giving all thefine language to the upper sort of people. _Dang_. That's very noble in you, indeed. "_Enter_ JUSTICE'S LADY. "_Puff_. Now, pray mark this scene. "_Lady_ Forgive this interruption, good my love; But as Ijust now pass'd a prisoner youth, Whom rude hands hither lead, strange bodings seized My fluttering heart, and to myself I said, An' if our Tom had lived, he'd surely been This stripling'sheight!_Just_. Ha! sure some powerful sympathy directs Us both--_Enter_ CONSTABLE _with_ Son. What is thy name?_Son_. My name is Tom Jenkins--_alias_ have I none--Though orphan'd, and without a friend!_Just_. Thy parents?_Son_. My father dwelt in Rochester--and was, As I haveheard--a fishmonger--no more. "_Puff_. What, sir, do you leave out the account of yourbirth, parentage, and education?_Son_ They have settled it so, sir, here. _Puff_. Oh! oh!"_Lady_. How loudly nature whispers to my heart Had he noother name?_Son_. I've seen a bill Of his sign'd Tomkins, creditor. _Just_. This does indeed confirm each circumstance The gipsytold!--Prepare!_Son_. I do. _Just_. No orphan, nor without a friend art thou--I am thyfather; here's thy mother; there Thy uncle--this thy firstcousin, and those Are all your near relations!_Lady_. O ecstasy of bliss!_Son_. O most unlook'd for happiness!_Just_. O wonderful event! [_They faint alternately ineach other's arms_. ]"_Puff_. There, you see, relationship, like murder, will out. "_Just_. Now let's revive--else were this joy too much! Butcome--and we'll unfold the rest within; And thou, my boy, mustneeds want rest and food. Hence may each orphan hope, as chancedirects, To find a father--where he least expects![_Exeunt_. ]"_Puff_. What do you think of that?_Dang_. One of the finest discovery-scenes I ever saw!--Why, this under-plot would have made a tragedy itself. _Sneer_. Ay! or a comedy either. _Puff_. And keeps quite clear you see of the other. "_Enter_ SCENEMEN, _taking away the seats_. "_Puff_. The scene remains, does it?_Sceneman_. Yes, sir. _Puff_. You are to leave one chair, you know. --But it isalways awkward in a tragedy, to have your fellows coming in inyour play-house liveries to remove things. --I wish that could bemanaged better. --So now for my mysterious yeoman. "_Enter_ BEEFEATER. _Beef_. Perdition catch my soul, but I do love thee. "_Sneer_. Haven't I heard that line before?_Puff_. No, I fancy not. --Where, pray?_Dang_. Yes, I think there is something like it in Othello. _Puff_. Gad! now you put me in mind on't, I believe thereis--but that's of no consequence; all that can be said is, thattwo people happened to hit upon the same thought--and Shakspearemade use of it first, that's all. _Sneer_. Very true. _Puff_. Now, sir, your soliloquy--but speak more to the pit, if you please--the soliloquy always to the pit, that's a rule. "_Beef_. Though hopeless love finds comfort in despair, Itnever can endure a rival's bliss! But soft--I am observed. [_Exit_. ]"_Dang_. That's a very short soliloquy. _Puff_. Yes--but it would have been a great deal longer ifhe had not been observed. _Sneer_. A most sentimental Beefeater that, Mr. Puff!_Puff_. Hark'ee--I would not have you be too sure that he isa Beefeater. _Sneer_. What, a hero in disguise?_Puff_. No matter--I only give you a hint. But now for myprincipal character. Here he comes--Lord Burleigh in person!Pray, gentlemen, step this way--softly--I only hope the Lord HighTreasurer is perfect--if he is but perfect!"_Enter_ LORD BURLEIGH, _goes slowly to a chair, andsits. _"_Sneer_. Mr. Puff!_Puff_. Hush!--Vastly well, sir! vastly well! a mostinteresting gravity. _Dang_. What, isn't he to speak at all?_Puff_. Egad, I thought you'd ask me that!--Yes, it is avery likely thing--that a minister in his situation, with thewhole affairs of the nation on his head, should have time totalk!--But hush! or you'll put him out. _Sneer_. Put him out; how the plague can that be, if he'snot going to say anything?_Puff_. There's the reason! why, his part is to think; andhow the plague do you imagine he can think if you keep talking?_Dang_. That's very true, upon my word!"LORD BURLEIGH _comes forward, shakes his head, and exit_. "_Sneer_. He is very perfect indeed! Now, pray what did hemean by that?_Puff_. You don't take it?_Sneer_. No, I don't, upon my soul. _Puff_. Why, by that shake of the head, he gave you tounderstand that even though they had more justice in their cause, and wisdom in their measures--yet, if there was not a greaterspirit shown on the part of the people, the country would at lastfall a sacrifice to the hostile ambition of the Spanish monarchy. _Sneer_. The devil! did he mean all that by shaking hishead?_Puff_. Every word of it--if he shook his head as I taughthim. _Dang_. Ah! there certainly is a vast deal to be done on thestage by dumb show and expressions of face; and a judiciousauthor knows how much he may trust to it. _Sneer_. Oh, here are some of our old acquaintance. "_Enter_ SIR CHRISTOPHER HATTON _and_ SIR WALTERRALEIGH. _Sir Christ_. My niece and your niece too! By Heaven!there's witchcraft in't. --He could not else Have gain'd theirhearts. --But see where they approach Some horrid purpose loweringon their brows!_Sir Walt_. Let us withdraw and mark them. [_Theywithdraw_. ]"_Sneer_. What is all this?_Puff_. Ah! here has been more pruning!--but the fact is, these two young ladies are also in love with Don Whiskerandos. --Now, gentlemen, this scene goes entirely for what we callsituation and stage effect, by which the greatest applause may beobtained, without the assistance of language, sentiment, orcharacter: pray mark!"_Enter the two_ NIECES. _1st Niece_. Ellena here! She is his scorn as much as I--that is Some comfort still !"_Puff_. O dear, madam, you are not to say that to her face!--Aside, ma'am, aside. --The whole scene is to be aside. "_1st Niece_. She is his scorn as much as I--that is Somecomfort still. [_Aside_. ]_2nd Niece_. I know he prizes not Pollina's love; ButTilburina lords it o'er his heart. [_Aside_. ]_1st Niece_. But see the proud destroyer of my peace. Revenge is all the good I've left. [_Aside_. ]_2nd Niece_. He comes, the false disturber of my quiet. Nowvengeance do thy worst. [_Aside_. ]_Enter_ DON FEROLO WHISKERANDOS. _Whisk_. O hateful liberty--if thus in vain I seek myTilburina!_Both Nieces_. And ever shalt!SIR CHRISTOPHER HATTON _and_ SIR WALTER RALEIGH _comeforward_. _Sir Christ. And Sir Walt_. Hold! we will avenge you. _Whisk_. Hold _you_--or see your nieces bleed! [_Thetwo_ NIECES _draw their two daggers to strike_WHISKERANDOS: _the two_ UNCLES _at the instant, with theirtwo swords drawn, catch their two_ NIECES' _arms, and turnthe points of their swords to_ WHISKERANDOS, _whoimmediately draws two daggers, and holds them to the two_NIECES' _bosoms_. ]"_Puff. _ There's situation for you! there's an heroic group!--You see the ladies can't stab Whiskerandos--he durst not strikethem, for fear of their uncles--the uncles durst not kill him, because of their nieces. --I have them all at a dead lock!--forevery one of them is afraid to let go first. _Sneer. _ Why, then they must stand there for ever!_Puff. _ So they would, if I hadn't a very fine contrivancefor't. --Now mind--"_Enter_ BEEFEATER, _with his halbert_. _Beef. _ In the queen's name I charge you all to drop Yourswords and daggers![_They drop their swords and daggers_. "]_Sneer. _ That is a contrivance indeed!_Puff. _ Ay--in the queen's name. _Sir Christ. _ Come, niece!_Sir Walt. _ Come, niece! [_Exeunt with the two_NIECES. ]_Whisk. _ What's he, who bids us thus renounce our guard?_Beef. _ Thou must do more--renounce thy love!_Whisk. _ Thou liest--base Beefeater!_Beef. _ Ha! hell! the lie! By Heaven thou'st roused the lionin my heart! Off, yeoman's habit!--base disguise! off! off![_Discovers himself by throwing off his upper dress, andappearing in a very fine waistcoat. _] Am I a Beefeater now? Orbeams my crest as terrible as when In Biscay's Bay I took thycaptive sloop?"_Puff. _ There, egad! he comes out to be the very captain ofthe privateer who had taken Whiskerandos prisoner--and washimself an old lover of Tilburina's. _Dang. _ Admirably managed, indeed!_Puff. _ Now, stand out of their way. "_Whisk. _ I thank thee, Fortune, that hast thus bestowed Aweapon to chastise this insolent. [_Takes up one of theswords_. ]_Beef. _ I take thy challenge, Spaniard, and I thank thee, Fortune, too! [_Takes up the other sword_. ]"_Dang. _ That's excellently contrived!--It seems as if thetwo uncles had left their swords on purpose for them. _Puff. _ No, egad, they could not help leaving them. "_Whisk_. Vengeance and Tilburina!_Beef_. Exactly so--[_They fight--and after the usual number of wounds given_, WHISKERANDOS _falls_. ]_Whisk_. O cursed parry!--that last thrust in tierce Wasfatal. --Captain, thou hast fenced well! And Whiskerandos quitsthis bustling scene For all eter--_Beef_. --nity--he would have added, but stern death Cutshort his being, and the noun at once!"_Puff_. Oh, my dear sir, you are too slow: now mind me. --Sir, shall I trouble you to die again?"_Whisk_. And Whiskerandos quits this bustling scene For alleter--_Beef_. --nity--he would have added, --"_Puff_. No, sir--that's not it--once more, if you please. _Whisk_. I wish, sir, you would practise this without me--Ican't stay dying here all night. _Puff_. Very well; we'll go over it by-and-by. --[_Exit_WHISKERANDOS. ] I must humour these gentlemen!"_Beef_. Farewell, brave Spaniard! and when next--"_Puff_. Dear sir, you needn't speak that speech, as the bodyhas walked off. _Beef_. That's true, sir--then I'll join the fleet. _Puff_. If you please. --[Exit BEEFEATER. ] Now, who comes on?"_Enter_ GOVERNOR, _with his hair properly disordered_. _Gov_. A hemisphere of evil planets reign! And every planetsheds contagious frenzy! My Spanish prisoner is slain! mydaughter, Meeting the dead corse borne along, has gone Distract![_A loud flourish of trumpets_. ] But hark! I am summoned tothe fort: Perhaps the fleets have met! amazing crisis! OTilburina! from thy aged father's beard Thou'st pluck'd the fewbrown hairs which time had left! [Exit. ]"_Sneer_. Poor gentleman!_Puff_. Yes--and no one to blame but his daughter!_Dang_. And the planets--_Puff_. True. --Now enter Tilburina!_Sneer. _ Egad, the business comes on quick here. _Puff. _ Yes, sir--now she comes in stark mad in white satin. _Sneer. _ Why in white satin?_Puff. _ O Lord, sir--when a heroine goes mad, she alwaysgoes into white satin. --Don't she, Dangle?_Dang. _ Always--it's a rule. _Puff. _ Yes--here it is--[_Looking at the book_. ]"Enter Tilburina stark mad in white satin, and her confidantstark mad in white linen. ""_Enter_ TILBURINA _and_ CONFIDANT, _mad, accordingto custom_. "_Sneer. _ But, what the deuce! is the confidant to be madtoo?_Puff. _ To be sure she is: the confidant is always to dowhatever her mistress does; weep when she weeps, smile when shesmiles, go mad when she goes mad. --Now, Madam Confidant--but keepyour madness in the background, if you please. "_Tilb. _ The wind whistles--the moon rises--see, They havekill'd my squirrel in his cage: Is this a grasshopper?--Ha! no;it is my Whiskerandos--you shall not keep him--I know you havehim in your pocket--An oyster may be cross'd in love!--who saysA whale's a bird?--Ha! did you call, my love?--He's here! he'sthere!--He's everywhere! Ah me! he's nowhere! [_Exit_. ]"_Puff. _ There, do you ever desire to see anybody madder thanthat?_Sneer. _ Never, while I live!_Puff. _ You observed how she mangled the metre?_Dang. _ Yes, --egad, it was the first thing made me suspectshe was out of her senses!_Sneer. _ And pray what becomes of her?_Puff. _ She is gone to throw herself into the sea, to besure--and that brings us at once to the scene of action, and soto my catastrophe--my sea-fight, I mean. _Sneer. _ What, you bring that in at last?_Puff. _ Yes, yes--you know my play is called _The SpanishArmada_; otherwise, egad, I have no occasion for the battle atall. --Now then for my magnificence!--my battle!--my noise!--andmy procession!--You are all ready?_Und. Promp_. [_Within. _] Yes, sir. _Puff_. Is the Thames dressed?"_Enter_ THAMES _with two_ ATTENDANTS. "_Thames_. Here I am, sir. _Puff_. Very well, indeed!--See, gentlemen, there's a riverfor you!--This is blending a little of the masque with mytragedy--a new fancy, you know--and very useful in my case; foras there must be a procession, I suppose Thames, and all histributary rivers, to compliment Britannia with a fête in honourof the victory. _Sneer_. But pray, who are these gentlemen in green withhim?_Puff_. Those?--those are his banks. _Sneer_. His banks?_Puff_. Yes, one crowned with alders, and the other with avilla!--you take the allusions?--But hey! what the plague!--youhave got both your banks on one side. --Here, sir, come round. --Ever while you live, Thames, go between your banks. --[_Bellrings. _] There; so! now for't!--Stand aside, my dearfriends!--Away, Thames![_Exit_ THAMES _between his banks. _][_Flourish of drums, trumpets, cannon, &c. , &'c. Scene changesto the sea--the fleets engage--the music plays--"Britons strikehome. "--Spanish fleet destroyed by fire-ships, &c. --English fleetadvances--music plays, "Rule Britannia. "--The procession of allthe English rivers, and their tributaries, with their emblems, &c. , begins with Handel's water music, ends with a chorus to themarch in Judas' Maccabaeus. --During this scene, _ PUFF_directs and applauds everything--then__Puff_. Well, pretty well--but not quite perfect. So, ladiesand gentlemen, if you please, we'll rehearse this piece again to-morrow. [_Curtain drops. _]