PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VOL. 93. AUGUST 13, 1887. AT THE OVAL. SURREY _VERSUS_ NOTTS. AUGUST 1ST, 2ND, AND 3RD 1887. (_By One of the Fifty Thousand. _) _Enthusiastic Surreyite loquitur_:-- [Illustration: Lo! man!] [Illustration: Shrews--bery!] [Illustration: Gunn and Barnes. ] _Hooray!_ Oh, you _must_ let me holloa. I'm one of the famed "Surrey Crowd, " And a roar for a win such as _this_ is, can_not_ be too long or too loud. Won by four wickets! As good as though WALTER had scored half a million, Great Scott! what a rush from the ring! what a crowd round the crowded Pavilion! LOHMANN! MAURICE READ!! SHUTER!!! they shouted. KEY!!! KEY!!! LOHMANN!!! LOHMANN!!! "Took down the number" of Notts, Sir, and _she's_ a redoubtable foeman. _We_ haven't licked her for years, and she crowed, Sir, and not without reason; And now, under SHUTER, we've done it at last, Sir, and twice in one season! After a terrible tussle; how oft was my heart in my mouth, Sir. Luck now seemed to lean to the North, and anon would incline to the South, Sir. Game wasn't won till 'twas lost. Hooray, though, for Surrey! 'Twas _her_ win. We missed our WOOD at the wicket, Notts squared it by missing her SHERWIN, Both with smashed fingers! Rum luck! But then cricketing luck _is_ a twister. And SHERWIN turned up second innings. _Did_ you twig his face when he missed her, That ball from J. SHUTER, our Captain? It ranked pretty high among matches, But Surrey _did_ make _some_ mistakes, Sir, and Notts----well, they _couldn't_ hold catches. SHUTER shone up, did he not? Forty-four, fifty-three, and _such_ cutting! Hooray! Here's his jolly good health, and look sharp, for they're close upon shutting. Partial be blowed! I'm a Surreyite down to my socks, that's a fact, Sir. _Must_ shout when my countymen score, and don't mind being caught in the act, Sir. Cracks didn't somehow come off. ARTHUR SHREWSBURY, Notts' great nonsuch, Didn't make fifty all told, and our WALTER--the world holds but _one_ such-- A poor twenty-five and eighteen--a mere fleabite for W. W. Still, he's our glory; and _if_ you can spot such another, I'll trouble you. _GRACE?_ Why, of course, in his day he was cock of the walk--that's a moral. I won't say a word against _him_; but our WALTER!--well, there, we won't quarrel. I'm Surrey, you know, as I said. I remember JUPP, HUMPHRY, and STEVENSON, Burly BEN GRIFFITH, and SOUTHERTON! Well, if it ever was evens on Match, it was surely on _this_ one. Oh, yes, _I_ gave points, six to five, Sir, But then I have always backed Surrey, and _will_ do so whilst I'm alive, Sir. And t'other was Notts, don't you see, so _I_ couldn't well show the white feather. Ah! well, 'twas a wonderful match; such a crowd, such a game, and such weather! K. J. K. (that's Mr. KEY) showed remarkably promising cricket-- I _did_ feel a little bit quisby when SHERWIN snapped him at the wicket. 'Twas getting too close, Sir, for comfort; two hundred and five takes some making-- When BARNES nicked READ, SHUTER, and HENDERSON, 'gad, there were lots of hearts quaking. Seventy-eight for a win, Sir, and five of our best wickets levelled. Notts then began to pick up, and I own I felt rather blue-devilled; But Surrey has got a rare team, and you see, when the toppers do fail, Sir, They look at it this way, my boy, --there is all the more chance for the "tail, " Sir. That's what I call true cricket pluck, and so, even when MAURICE READ quitted him, That's what young LOHMANN perceived; the place wanted cool grit--and it fitted him. His thirty-five, and not out, was worth more, Sir, than many a "Century. " Played like an iceberg, he did; style neither too tame nor too venture-y. Poor crippled WOOD backed him bravely, and he made the winning hit, he did. Won by four wickets! Hooray! Gallant Surrey at last has succeeded In knocking the dust out of Notts. I've hoorayed till my tongue feels quite furry. Yes, _I_ like the best side to win, --but I'm thundering glad, though, it's Surrey!!! * * * * * "OVER THE WATER WITH LAWSON" (_Change of Name_). --Jack Tar to beknown in future as Tom Fool. * * * * * PARLIAMENTARY NOTICES. _House of Commons for August. _ DISORDERS OF THE DAY. Legalised Duels (England) Bill--Report. Shillelagh (Irish) Supply Bill--Second Reading. Ways and Means (Assaults)--Committee. Speaker's Wig Destruction Bill--As amended to be considered. QUESTIONS. _Mr. Dillon. _--Whether Her Majesty's Government contemplate allowing Mr. DELISLE to smile, and if so, whether any precautions will be taken to preventhis receiving a thrashing. _Dr. Tanner. _--To ask the Chief Secretary of the Lord-Lieutenant whether hehas any objection to tread upon the tail of his coat. _Colonel Saunderson. _--To ask the First Lord of the Treasury as to thecondition of the eyes and noses of certain Members of the NationalistParty. NOTICE OF MOTION. _Mr. T. Healy. _--Physical Force, House of Commons (England)--Bill tofacilitate the establishment of a Bear Garden in St. Stephen's. * * * * * HAVOC! In wrath redundant SWINBURNE turns and rends The "good grey" bard. Alack for SWINBURNE'S "friends"! He worshipped once at thy red shine, Revolt, Now thou'rt a mark for his Olympian bolt; But when he rounds on poor barbaric WALT, One can but gasp, and wonder where he'll halt. Coupled with BYRON in one furious "slate"? O poor Manhattan mouther, what a fate! ALGERNON'S blunderbuss is double-barrelled; Down at one shot go "_Drum Taps_" and "_Childe Harold_. " Just fancy being levelled down to--BYRON! Alas! what woes the poet's path environ. What next, and next? BYRON called SOUTHEY "gander. " But then the lordly rhymester railed at LANDOR, One of the SWINBURNE fetishes, enough To prove that all he wrote was soulless stuff-- But stop! Who knows that SWINBURNE, on the ravage, May not, next time, pitch into WALTER SAVAGE? The idols he once worshipped now he'd burn, So e'en MAZZINI yet may have his turn-- Nay, since the hour for palinodes has struck, At Hugomania he may run amuck; And, VICTOR being laid upon the shelf, There'll be but one to round upon--himself. * * * * * ELEGANT EXTRACTS BY EMINENT MEN. A very interesting article appears in the current number of the_Fortnightly Magazine_, in which the favourite "quotations" of manycelebrated persons are introduced with much effect. Always ready to take ahint, _Mr. Punch_ has asked everyone he knows to furnish him with hispredilections. The following is the result:-- Mr. BRIEFLESS, Junior, of Pump-handle Court writes, "I have carefullyconsidered the circular you have forwarded to me, and am distinctly ofopinion that my favourite reading is, 'With you the Attorney-General. '" "ROBERT" says that his favourite phrase is, "'Ere's 'alf a sovereign foryourself, but you deserves more!" "'ARRY" says he can't think of anything more "fust class" than, "The 'ornof the 'unter is 'eard on the 'ill. " And (more or less) the whole world declares that there is no pleasanterannouncement than "_Punch, or the London Charivari_, is published everyWednesday. " * * * * * Mem. For Our Muddlers. It _cannot_ be in the interests of peace that we turn our swordsinto--corkscrews, and our bayonets into--button-hooks. That extremelysecular reading of a sacred passage, appears to be the accepted one, however, in Ordnance Departments, and other places where they play thefool. * * * * * [Illustration: GERMAN ENGLISH. _German Belle. _ "ACH! YOU ARE FONT OF YACHTING! ZEN I ZUPPOSE YOU ARE AGOOT _SALESMAN_?"] * * * * * THE END OF THE JUBILEE. I've been to the Abbey, the Naval Review, The Maske at Gray's Inn and the Institute too; In fact I feel just like the Wandering Jew, Or other historical rover: I've turned day into night and the night into day, In a regular rollicking Jubilee way, And now I can truly and thankfully say, I'm uncommonly glad that it's over. I've been to a number of Jubilee balls, And I'm really worn out by the parties and calls; I've fed in the City 'neath shade of St. Paul's, And ate little fish by the river: I've been to big picnics both up and down stream, I've wallowed in strawberries smothered in cream, Which, following lobster, most doctors would deem Was remarkably bad for the liver. I've read all the Jubilee articles, loads Of Jubilee leaders and Jubilee odes, And seen how each poet his Pegasus goads, Though gaining but slight inspiration; A chaos of Jubilee Numbers I've seen, And Jubilee pictures and lives of the QUEEN, And the Jubilee coinage that's greeted, I ween, With anything but jubilation. But, now all is over, sincerely I trust The Nation no longer will kick up a dust, The Jubilee really has done for me just As "_Commodious_" scared _Mr. Boffin_: Any more jubilation would finish me quite, As it is I've a horrible dream every night That a Jubilee demon is screwing me tight Down into a Jubilee coffin! * * * * * The Correct Card. MR. GOLDWIN SMITH says:--"The one thing certain about Tory-Democracy, besides its origin, is, that it is the card of a political gamester. " Itmay perhaps help the ponderous Professor, in a future philippic, to know, in addition, that the associations of Tory-Democracy at once suggest"Clubs, " and the game it is playing, the "deuce. " * * * * * THE PARLIAMENTARY BALLYHOOLY. AIR--"_Ballyhooly. _" There's a dashing sort of bhoy who was once his country's joy, But his ructions and his rows no longer charm me, He often takes command in a fury-spouting band Called the "Ballyhooly" Parliamentary Army. At Donnybrook's famed fair he might shine with radiance rare, A "Pathriot" he's called, and may be truly, It is catching, I'm afraid, for when _he_ is on parade There seems scarce a sober man in "Ballyhooly. " _Chorus. _ Whililoo, hi ho! Faith they all enlist, ye know, Though their ructions and their shindies fail to charm me, Bad language, howls, and hate put an end to fair debate In the "Ballyhooly" Parliamentary Army. The SPAYKER, honest soul, finds they're quite beyond control, Discussion takes a most extinded radius, It's about as fine and clear as the stalest ginger-beer, But the "bhoys, " they never seem to find it "tadyious. " And what is worse, to-day all the Army march one way, That is in being ructious and unruly, If a Mimber in debate wants to argue fair and straight, Faith they howl him out of court in "Ballyhooly. " _Chorus_--Whililoo, hi, ho, &c. They're supposed to hould debate in the interests of the State, Which one and all they do their best to injure; I have said their talk's as clear as the stalest ginger-beer, And they mix the vilest vitriol with the ginger. The bhoys are not alone, for in sorrow one must own The young Tories are as noisy and unruly, And the Rads they rave and rail till one longs to lodge in gaol The intemperate brigade of "Ballyhooly. " _Chorus_--Whililoo, hi, ho, &c. There's a moral to my song, and it won't detain yez long, Of Party spirit e'en the merest "nip" shun. It's poison, that is clear, Ballyhooly "ginger-beer, " As ye'll own when I have given the prescription. You take heaps of Party "rot, " spirit mean, and temper hot, Lies, blasphemy, and insult; mix them duly; For sugar put in salt, bitter gall for honest malt, Faith, they call it "Statesmanship" in "Ballyhooly. " _Chorus_--Whililoo, hi, ho, &c. _Encore Verse. _ Since you're kind enough to crave just another little stave, I'll explain the furious ferment that now leavens A tipple once so sound is just Party spite all round, And of course _my_ Ballyhooly is St. Stephen's. 'Twill be very long before you will wish to cry "Encore!" To the row that makes our Parliament unruly; For good sense would put a stop on the flow of Party "Pop" That makes a Donnybrook of "Ballyhooly. " _Chorus. _ Whililoo, hi, ho! 'Tis a huge mistake, ye know, To let ructions and recriminations charm ye. If they don't abate their hate, they'll bring ruin on the State, Will the Ballyhooly Parliamentary Army. * * * * * Very Like a Wales. The zeal of the Actor who blacked himself all over to play _Othello_, is atlast outdone--by Mr. GLADSTONE, who, it is stated, is learning the Welshlanguage, under the tuition of Mr. RICHARD, M. P. , in order to deliver hisspeech at the forthcoming Eisteddfod in TAFFY'S own tongue. "Not forCADWALLADER and all his goats, " as _Pistol_ says, would an ordinarypolitician go through such an ordeal for such an end. "Gallant LittleWales" will, however, no doubt be duly grateful, and, by lending itssupport to her adroit flatterer, enable him to say, with _Gower_, to theopponents of Home-Rule, "Henceforth let a Welsh correction teach you a goodEnglish condition. " * * * * * [Illustration: UN DUEL DE CAFÉ-CONCERT. _MM. Boxe et Coxe. _ _M. Le Général Boxe. _ "SAVEZ-VOUS VOUS BATTRE?" _M. Coxe_ (_homme d'état_). "NON!" _M. Le Général Boxe. _ "EH BIEN, ALORS! ALLONS-Y-DONC!" (_Translation. _--"Can you fight?" "No!" "Then come on!")] * * * * * Jest in Earnest. (_What might have happened. _) _Monday. _--The Fleets started on their manoeuvres. Before leaving, theIronclads ran down, accidentally, all the unarmoured vessels in theharbour. _Tuesday. _--Collision. Sinking of the _Ajax_. _Wednesday. _--Mistake in steering. Foundering of the _Minotaur_. _Thursday. _--Error in seamanship. Loss of the _Neptune_. _Friday. _--Misapprehension of signal. Ramming of the _Devastation_. _Saturday. _--Something wrong somewhere. The remainder of the Fleet goes tothe bottom. * * * * * MR. PUNCH'S MANUAL FOR YOUNG RECITERS. [Illustration] It is a charming characteristic of the Young Amateur Entertainerthat--whether he possesses or not the smallest acquaintance with anylanguage beyond his own--he is always prepared to impersonate a foreignerof any given nationality at a moment's notice; and _Mr. Punch_ is confidentthat the most backward of his Pupils will be perfectly at home (and how hisaudience will envy him!) with the following Anglo-German recitation, whichmay be given under the following title:-- PROFESSOR BOMPP RELATES A LITTLE ANECDOTE. (_To do this effectively, you must assume an air of childlike candour. _) I deach my dong in Engeland for dventy years and more; And vonce I dvell at Vigmore Shtreet, ubon ze zegond floor-- (_Pull yourself up suddenly. _) Bot dat has nodings hier to zay--zo, blease, (_professorial air for this_) you vill addend! I gom to dell you gurious dings vat habbened mit a vriend. He vas a hanzom-headed man, zo like me as a pea, And eferyveres I valk about he gom along mit me; Bot all ze efenings, beaceful-quiet, he shtay in-doors and shmoke. And choggle at himzelf at dimes in hatching out a yoke; Ontill von day his choggling stobbed--he'd tombled deep in lôf, And he bassed ze dime vith gissing at a leedle vemale glôf! Ubon two shpargling eyes he dink, von deligate cock-nose-- Dill zoon his dinkings vork him op mit gourage to bropose. Zen, ach! zat nose vas dilted more, and gruel vorts she shpoke: "I vill not dwine aroundt no heart vat shmells zo shtrong mit shmoke! Vor you yourzelf I might, vith dime, bersuade myzelf to gare-- Bot nevare mit no ogly bipes vill I avection share!" (_Pause, and glance round your audience with a slightly pained air. _) I dink I hear zom laty make a symbathetic shniff-- You Englisch shendlevomens dreats a shmoker var too shtiff! For look--meinzelf I shmoke a bipe, mit baintings on ze bowl, I shtoffs him vith dat sheepstabak vat's dwisted in a roll, I gif my vort it ton't daste pad--zough yust a leedle veak-- Shtill, ven I schmokes inzide a drain, --I vinds zom laties seeck! (_Amiable surprise, as you mention this instance of insular intolerance. _) Bot, zere, you makes me chadderbox, and dakes op all my dime! I vant to dell you how mein vriend behafed himself sooblime: "If you vill pe mein Braut, " he zaid, "tobaggo I'll renounce, And shvear to nefer puy no more von solidary ounce!" Zo she gif him out her lily hand, and shmile on him zo shveet: "Vith sodge a sagrifice, " she zaid, "you brove your lôf indeet! And I dakes you--on your zolem vort mit shmoking to ged rid, Pe off and purn your bipes and dings!" vich--boor yong man, he--did! Dree sblendid bipes he sacrificed, in china, glay, and vood, He vatched zem craggle in ze vlames--I vonder how he _could_! And mit zem vent his brime zigars of pest Havana prandt, Imborted hier vrom Hampurg, in his own dear Vaderlandt! [_With sentiment. _ Henzefort he lif a shmokeless life, vor vear to lose his bride, And nefer vonce gomblained to her of soferings inzide! Bot--zough she gif him zentiment and rabdures ven zey met-- Zomdimes he vish she vouldn't mind von leedle zigarette! [_Pause. _ Now game along ze night pefore his veddings was to pe-- And he dried to galm his jomping soul mit bonderings and tea-- Ven, zoddenly--he hear a zound, as eef zom barty knock, And it gom vrom his tobaggo-jar, long embdy of its shtock! "Gom in! I mean--gom _out_!" he cried (he was a viddy chap!) [_Here you should be convulsed with inward laughter. _ "For nonn of your nockdurnal knocks I do not gare von rap!" Bot--vile he yoked--ze lid fly off, and sblash into his cop, [_Business here. _ And a kind of leedle voman's form inzide the jar sbring op! Her face vas yust the golour of a meerschaum nod quide new, And her hair vas all in ribbling vaves--like long-cut honnydew! In golden silber she vas roped, all shpangled o'er mit shtars, For it zeemed as eef she dress herzelf mit baper round zigars, And like an eel his bagbone squirmed, his hair god up erect, For beoples in tobaggo-jars is tings you ton't exbect! "Bervidious von!" she shpeak at him, zo broud as any queen, "Pehold your homage-objects vonce--ze goddess Nigodeen! I galls to know ze reason vy you leafs my aldars cold, And nefer purns me incense like your bractice vas of old?" "To bay you more resbects, I must, " he plurted out, "degline, For I'm vorshibing at bresent mit an obbosition shrine. " "And zo you makes yourzelf, " she gries, "a dankless renegade To von who, oftendimes invoked, yet nefer vailed her aid To charm avay your lonely dimes, and soffogate your care! If dat's your leedle games, mein vriend, dake my advice--bevare!" "I'd gladly zend mein zoul inzide a himmeldinted gloud, Bot as a Penedick, " he zaid, "I vill not pe allowed! I dells you vrank"--(I haf exblained he vas a vonny vellow!)-- "Mitout mein bipe, ze honnymoon shall nod daste quide so mellow!" "Enoff!" she said, "you vatch your eye, and zee vat vill bekom!" She bopped inzide . . . He search ze jar--'twas embdy as a drom! And zen he vipe his sbecdagles, and shtare, and rob his head, (_Business. _) And dink he'd grown too vanziful, and pedder go to bed. [_Impressive pause, and continue in lowered voice. _ Vell, next day, on ze afdernoon, his honnymoon pegan---- And Dandalus vas nodings to zat boor dormented man! For ven he dry to giss his vife ubon her lips zo ripe-- Petween his own brojected fort a pig soobyectif bipe! And efer more, in sbite of all ze dender vorts he zay, Ze sbegtral image of a bipe kept gedding in his vay! Ondill ubon ze burple sky shone out ze efening shtar-- And zen ze bipe dransform himzelf, and change to a zigar! Bot, vorst of all, his vife vould veel no bity for his fate! She dink it all a hombogsdrick--and zoon zey sebarate; And benidently he redurned, and zaid to NIGODEEN: "Forgif, and nefer more I'll pe ze vool I vonce haf peen! I lôfed my vife--but now I vind I gares for you ze most-- And I'm dired of shmoking dings vat is no pedder as a ghost!" Zo NIGODEEN she dakes him back, begause his vife vas gone, And now ze bipe he shmokes is _nod_ an immaderial von! You vonder how I goms to know?--Brebare yourzelves to jomp!-- (_Sensationally. _) I vas zat yong boor man meinzelf--der Herr Brofessor BOMPP! * * * * * THE TRAVELLER'S VADE MECUM. _Question. _ I understand that you are leaving Town. Why? _Answer. _ Because it is the fashion. _Q. _ Have you any plans? _A. _ I am a little undecided. At first I thought of going to an Englishwatering-place, but abandoned the idea because the papers said I should besure to be laid up with typhoid fever, German measles, or something equallypleasant. _Q. _ Had it not been for this dread, should you have gone? _A. _ I suppose so. We are acclimatised to the discomforts of seasidelodgings, the discords of second-rate German bands, and the disillusions ofcountry views. _Q. _ For the sake of argument, abandoning the English watering-place--whereshall you go? _A. _ My wife says Paris--and means it. _Q. _ Do you object yourself to the gay capital? _A. _ Well--just now--yes; chiefly because it is not gay. _Q. _ I suppose you would prefer the principal theatres to be open? _A. _ If I could attend them without being sure that I should find the "hotroom" of a Turkish bath considerably cooler. Not that there would not be arisk of being grilled to death on the Boulevards and bored out of my lifeby running across hundreds of personally-conducted tourists. _Q. _ Then why should you go? _A. _ Because my wife wishes to see the bonnets. _Q. _ Could she see them nowhere else? _A. _ Not to her satisfaction, although I believe she could find theircounterparts in Tottenham Court Road and the Westbourne Grove. _Q. _ After Paris where shall you go? _A. _ Either to Switzerland, Italy, or Holland. _Q. _ Do you expect much amusement? _A. _ Not much, because I know them by heart. Still I know the best hotels, or rather the best _table d'hôtes_. _Q. _ Is that all you care for? _A. _ Nearly all. However it is a languid satisfaction to compare St. Peter's with St. Paul's to the disadvantage of the former, and to thinkthere is nothing in Switzerland to equal the Trossachs, Loch Maree and theCumberland Lakes. _Q. _ But the Art treasures? _A. _ May be found _en bloc_ at the South Kensington Museum. _Q. _ Then you travel in rather a gloomy mood. _A. _ Rather. Still I am buoyed up with a delightful prospect in the future. _Q. _ A delightful prospect! What prospect? _A. _ The prospect of returning home! * * * * * SCARCELY "BUTTER. "--To change the nickname of MADGE to Margarine. * * * * * LADIES' LAW. [Illustration] Some little while since a book was published for the exclusive benefit ofthe fair sex, which purported to teach men's mothers, sisters, cousins, andaunts, the advantages bestowed upon them by the Married Women's PropertyAct, and other statutes of a like character. No doubt the volume was anexcellent guide to females fond of litigation; but still there are many whoprefer, in spite of everything, to retain their own fixed opinion on thesubject of law. For that feminine majority the following congenial hintsare published:-- If a woman makes a will, she can never revoke it, and is likely to die soonafterwards, as it is not only unnecessary, but unlucky. A marriage without bridesmaids is nearly illegal. This applies, in a lesserdegree, to marriages where children, dressed in Charles the First costumes, are not employed to hold up the bride's train. A mortgage is a sort of thing that causes a house to become the possessionof a dishonest Agent, who is usually a Solicitor. The best way of settling a County Court summons, brought in the absence ofthe master of the house, is to ask the man into the dining-room, and tellhim about the accomplishments of the children. This will soften his heart, and get him to prevent the Judge from sending everyone to prison. A nice Solicitor never contradicts a Lady, and therefore knows the lawinfinitely better than the disagreeable fogies, who are so obstinate. And, lastly, the best way to learn the real provisions of the law, is to study amodern novel by a lady Authoress. * * * * * SALUBRITIES ABROAD. "_Salubrities at Home_" (_pace_ Mr. ATLAS, who will recognise thistemporary adaptation of his world-renowned title) I should say are Buxton(for most people), Bath (for some), Harrogate (for others), and, --besides avariety of North, South, East and West, too numerous to be mentioned inthese notes, --Ramsgate for nearly all. "_Salubrities Abroad_" are Homburg, Aix-les-Bains, Carlsbad, &c. , &c. , andRoyat, where I find myself again this year. "Scenes of my bath-hood, oncemore I behold ye!" There is "A Salubrity at Royat, " which people of certaintendencies cannot easily find elsewhere. It is a cure for eminent personsof strong Conservative tendencies. Lord SALISBURY was here last year, andmy friend Monsieur ONDIT, who is in everybody's confidence, tells me thathis Lordship will revisit a place where the _traitement_ did him so muchgood. I believe he underwent the "Cherry-cure, " at all events his Lordshipwas seen in public constantly eating them out of a paper-bag. _What did hedo with the bag?_ My answer is, "he popped it. " Down went the cherries, andbang went the bag and fifty centimes. Well, did not Royat effect somechange in his conservatism? What has been the result? But I am not here totalk politics. * * * * * Everybody is talking of the BOULANGER-FERRY incident. This is Aug. 4, andnothing has happened. "Il n'y a pas de danger, " Dit Général BOULANGER; "Tout va, je crois, s'arranger, Chez FERRY, mes amis. " I haven't time to proceed with this, but, so far, the idea is at any poet'sdisposition to continue as he pleases, my only stipulation being that theair to which it is to be sung shall be "_Marlbrook_. " My other friend, BENJAMIN TROVATO, of Italian extraction, tells me thatBOULANGER is half English, and had an English education. BEN informs methat the General has never forgotten the rhythms he learnt in his happyEnglish nursery; and that, when he read that M. FERRY had called him a"_St. Arnaud de Café-Concert_, " he sang out, recollecting the old catch, -- A Note, a Note! Haste to the Ferry! in which his friends were unable to join, owing to their ignorance of thewords and tune. When driving through Clermont-Ferrand from the Station up to Royat, we(three of us) had a small omnibus to ourselves. One of the party (a wag, ofwhom, and of the circumstances of our meeting, more "in my next") insistedon our calling out, "_Vive_ BOULANGER!" We did this several times in themost crowded parts, but the cry obtained no response, and aroused noexcitement, as, being uttered with the greatest caution (at my instance), nobody heard it. * * * * * But what a thing to fight about! If duelling were an English fashion, howfruitful of "incidents" this Session would have been. How often would Mr. TIM HEALY have been "out"? And Mr. DE LISLE'S life would have hung upon aLisle thread! * * * * * Note for strangers about to visit Royat. --The Continental Hotel has lost alittle territory, as half of what was its terrace has been returned to thepresent proprietor of the hotel next door, with whom we Continentals haveno connection, not even "on business, " it not being "the same concern" andunder one management as it was last year. But what the Continental Hotelhas sacrificed in domain, Monsieur HALL, our obliging landlord, has morethan made up in comfort and cooking. Dr. BRANDT sees his patients in acharming Villa of Flowers. The weather is lovely. * * * * * We are all surprised at seeing one another here. Each person (or eachcouple or party) seems to think that he alone (or they alone) possess thesecret of Royat's existence. We certainly are not a mutual admirationsociety at Royat. When we come upon one another suddenly, each exclaims, "Hallo! what are _you_ here for?" is if the other were a convict "doing histime. " Everyone thinks he knows what he is here for, but very few tell whathe thinks he knows. And, by the way, the best-informed among us doesn'tknow very much about it. * * * * * In the Reading-room of the _Cercle_ there ought to be (as advertised in alocal journal) at least three English newspapers daily. I have not seenthem as yet. The only London paper arriving here regularly, and to bepurchased every day early at the Newsvendor's, is the _Morning Post_. _Vive_ Sir ALGERNON! Can this be the attraction for Lord SALISBURY? Whycome out so far afield to read the _Morning Post_? Or wasn't it here, during Lord SALISBURY'S visit last year, and is he still ignorant of itshaving been subsequently demanded and supplied this season? And when hecomes and finds it--"O what a surprise!"--no, thank goodness, we haveescaped from this song--for a time, at least. * * * * * Too hot to write any more journal. The hundredth bell is sounding for thefiftieth _déjeuner_. My _déjeuner_ is finished. There are bells hereperpetually. All day and all night. In vain would Mr. IRVING as _Mathias_, put his hands to his ears and close the windows. The bells! The bells!Distant bells, near bells, sheep-bells, goat-bells, a man with pipe (nottobacco but tune, or what he and the goats consider a tune), dinner-bells, guests'-bells, servants'-bells, church-bells (not much), chapel-bells(early and occasionally), horse-bells, donkey-bells, breakfast-bells, supper-bells, arrival-bells, departure-bells, tramway bells, crier's-bells, with variations on drum or trumpet, and several other bells that I shallnotice in the course of the twenty-four hours, but have forgotten just now. * * * * * The "_petits chevaux_" have not been stopped by the Government; they arerunning as fast as ever. There are two bands, playing morning, afternoon, and evening. The _Casino Samie_ is as lively as ever, or, as my waggishacquaintance at once expressed it, in that vein of humour for which he isso specially distinguished, "The Samie old game, " and to sit out in thegarden, with a fragrant cigar and coffee, before retiring for the night, isindeed a calm pleasure, or would be but for the aforesaid waggishness, ofwhich more anon. * * * * * Soldiers about everywhere, Boulangering. Up in the hills is a splendidecho. This morning, having caught the very slightest cold, I went up intothe mountains to get it blown away. Suddenly I sneezed. Such a sneeze! Itreverberated all over the mountain like the firing of a battery. Again!again! These sneezes nearly shook me off the rock, and sent me staggeringon to the _plateau_ below. The effect must have been alarming, as the thirdsneeze fetched out the military, horse and foot, at full gallop, and thedouble. _L'ennemi? C'était moi!_ They scoured the mountain sides, but I didnot sneeze again. I have a sort of idea that my sneeze upset the entirepreconcerted arrangements for a review. The Boulangerers retired--so did I. * * * * * 'Tis the hour of _douche_. RICHARD, the attendant, will be there to give itme. _Douche-ment, douche-ment. _ Gently does it! O RICHARD, O _MonRoy-at_!. . . _Au revoir!_ * * * * * Mrs. R. Went to see the _première_ of a new piece about which there hadbeen considerable excitement in the theatrical world. "It was quite anovelty for me, " said the good lady to a friend; "every literal person wasthere of any imminence, and my nephew, who is connected with papershimself, told me that the stalls were full of crickets. He pointed them allout to me. Most interesting. " * * * * * [Illustration: "LE MONDE OÙ L'ON S'AMUSE. " _Miss Ponsonby de Tomkyns_ (_just out_). "OH, PAPA! SUCH AN _EXQUISITE_CONCERT IT WAS AT LADY MIDAS'S! THE DUCHESS WAS THERE, AND THEMOWBRAY-MASHAMS, AND LORD AND LADY WROTTENHAM, AND COUNT EDELWEISS, ANDCAPTAIN DE COURCY, AND SIR MAINWARING CARSHALTON AND HIS WIFE, AND--IN FACTEVERYBODY ONE CARES TO MEET. " _Mr. P. De T. _ "INDEED! AND WHO PLAYED AND SANG?" _Miss P. De T. _ "WHO PLAYED AND SANG? WELL--A--A--REALLY, DO YOU KNOW, IDON'T REMEMBER!"] * * * * * "GLASS FALLING!" _Head of the House, loquitur_:-- Dear me! Going back? I can hardly conceive it. I thought we were in for a spell of "Set Fair. " A serious change? No, I will not believe it; I _can't_, I declare. I've tapped it with confidence morning by morning, This glass which has never deceived me before; And now to go wrong in this way, without warning!-- It's really a bore. Of course it's too bad to be _true_, for the weather So settled has seemed, and has promised so well, And why it should go and break up altogether Nobody can tell. Tap! Tap! Yes, it's true, it is certainly dropping. Things seem--for the moment--a bit out of joint, For of course there is not the least fear of its _stopping_ At such a low point. No, no, that's absurd; the idea makes one pallid. This many and many a day from my door Without a top-coat or a gingham I've sallied; And now, will it pour? O nonsense! The omens have all been so cheery; _The Times_, in its forecasts, have been so cock-sure. Can we all have been wrong? Nay, a prospect so dreary I cannot endure. Some local disturbances truly I've heard of. Our foes make the most of such little mishaps; But then they mean nothing; it's really absurd of The ignorant chaps. At Spalding or Coventry weather may vary;-- And yet, when the "area of change" gets too wide, Men fancy it's more than a passing vagary;-- Ay, even _our_ side. Tap! Tap! Yes there _is_ a perceptible tumble. One can't "square" the weather or "get at" the glass. A storm? Oh! 'twas merely the least little rumble, -- 'Twill probably pass. Yes. Up in the North there 'tis always unsettled; I fancy we shan't be so shifty down South. No, really there's not the least call to be nettled, Or down in the mouth. I'll take my umbrella, --a useful possession, Yes, even in summer with wind in the east. But this--oh! it's merely a "local depression";-- I _hope_ so, at least! * * * * * THE HAZARD OF A--DYE. Supposing that when our soldiers and sailors were armed with worthlessbayonets and useless cutlasses, a war had broken out. And supposing that our Army had been defeated on account of those worthlessbayonets. And supposing our sailors had been slaughtered by hundreds on account ofthose useless cutlasses. And supposing the country had been successfully invaded because the nationhad improper arms of defence. And supposing, wild with ruin, revenge, and misery, the remains of the Armyand Navy had met Sir JOHN ADYE. Supposing they had. Well, what then? * * * * * PRIZE PARLIAMENTARY PUZZLE. --"The End of the Session. " * * * * * [Illustration: "GLASS FALLING!" "HM!--GOING BACK! AH!--ONLY A _LOCAL DEPRESSION_!!"] * * * * * A SOOTHING SONG FOR AUGUST. [Illustration: Taking a Pull on the Watery Main. ] Far from placid pleasure Fashion's nomads roam; Wisdom finds the treasure In its fullest measure Peacefully at home. Free from by-the-way bores Of hotel and train, Rest we from our labours, With our fair young neighbours Round us once again. Bees in drowsy fettle Lazy lilies rob; Slumbrously they settle, Thrumming like a kettle On the Summer's hob. Flies their mystic mazes Intricately thread, Where the sunshine blazes Through the cedarn hazes, Just above my head. Pussy, with her fur feet Curled beneath her breast, Drowzes where the turf-heat Soothes her with a surfeit Of delicious rest. Now a laughing quarrel Stirs the stilly air, Where, beyond the laurel, With their white apparel Glistening in the glare, Boys and girls together Make a gallant crew, Boys in highest feather, Girls like summer weather, Bright and sweet and true. * * * * * OUR EXCHANGE AND MART. SOME MORE HOLIDAY INQUIRIES. NOVEL YACHTING EXPEDITION. UNIQUE CHANCE. --A Gentleman of marked nauticalproclivities, who has lately, through the demise of a great-uncle, comeinto the possession of a Penny Steamer in a very fair condition of repair, is anxious to meet with one or two persons of similar tastes who would bedisposed to start with him on a Summer Tour, for the purpose of leisurelynavigating the vessel, in a tentative fashion, round the British Isles. Ashe would not take a Pilot with him, but proposes when in doubt either toask his way from the nearest Coastguard by signal, or run in shore and getout and walk, he thinks the voyage would not be without excitement andvariety, and would be likely to afford some novel seafaring experience tothe naval amateur in search of pleasing adventure. The course, as atpresent mapped out, would be from Putney Bridge to Margate, Plymouth, Holyhead, Skye, Aberdeen, by the German Ocean past Hull, Yarmouth, Clacton-on-Sea, Southend, back again, finishing the journey at BatterseaReach, but it would probably be varied by wind and weather, the exigencesof which would naturally have to be taken into account. The crew willconsist of three experienced Channel stewards, a bargee, a retired pirate, and a cabin-boy, and will be under the command of the advertiser, who, though fresh to the work, has little doubt but that, with a friendly hintor two from his fellow-yachtsmen, he will be able to manage it. N. B. --EachPassenger provided with a Royal Humane Society's drag. For all furtherparticulars apply to "PORT-ADMIRAL, " 117, Rope Walk, Chelsea, S. W. * * * * * EXCEPTIONAL PSYCHOLOGICAL OPPORTUNITY. HAUNTED CASTLE TO LET. --A Baronet, in the North of England, who can himself stand residence in it no longer, is anxious to meet with a suitable Tenant for his Family Mansion likely toappreciate the mysterious horrors with which, owing to the crimes of hisancestors in times past, it is now nightly associated. The chiefmanifestation consists in the appearance, after midnight, in anoak-panelled bedroom, of a huge black wolf, accompanied by a little old manin a bag-wig and faded blue velvet coat, who, looking sadly at theoccupant, and saying, in a mournful voice, "I've lost my return-ticket!"vanishes suddenly, together with his swarthy companion, into thelinen-cupboard. As this apparition is frequently followed by the sound asof a man in a complete suit of armour falling head-over-heels down sixflights of stairs, and ultimately, amidst prolonged and piercing shrieks, apparently lodging in the coal-cellar, a member of the Society forPromoting Psychical Research could not fail to find the whole experience asingularly pleasing one. Several people having already been frightened intofits through passing a night in the castle, a practical joker, who wishedto have a little fun at the expense of an aged and invalid relative or two, could not do better than ask them down for a week, and let them take turnsat sleeping in the bedroom in question. Address, "BARONET, " Goblynhurst, Howlover. * * * * * TIGER-SHOOTING AT HOME. PRIME SPORT WITH BIG GAME. --A Country Clergyman, who, having taken charge of a Menagerie for an invalid friend, has had themisfortune to let nearly the whole of it escape and get loose in hisparish, would be glad to have the assistance of several Sportsmen of wideIndian and African experience, who would be willing to join him in aneffort either to kill, or, if possible, recapture it at the very earliestopportunity. Though the Advertiser has succeeded in temporarily securingthree lions, a chimpanzee, a couple of hyænas, and a young hippopotamus inthe Vicarage drawing-room, and has managed to envelope a boa-constrictor ina lawn-tennis net, yet, as five full-grown Bengal tigers, and about thirtyother wild beasts of a miscellaneous character are at large in the village, and have, to his knowledge, already devoured the Postman, the Curate, aSchool Inspector, and both the horses of the Local Railway Omnibus, hefeels that no time ought to be lost in replying to his appeal. One or twoExperts, armed with Hotchkiss Guns, would be of use, and might write. Wouldbe glad to hear from a Battery of Horse Artillery. Address, The VICAR, HighRoaring, Notts. * * * * * AERIAL VOYAGE. ADVANTAGEOUS EXPERIMENT FOR THE SHORT-SIGHTED. --A Gentlemanwho has long been suffering from a chronic affection of the eyes, and hasbeen recommended by his medical adviser to try the stimulating effect ofmountain air, having conceived the idea of procuring it for himself bymaking an ascent in a second-hand and slightly damaged balloon that he haspurchased for the purpose, will be glad to hear from one or two thoroughlyskilled and experienced Aëronauts similarly afflicted, who would regard thebeneficent results of being able to accompany him as an equivalent for theprofessional services they might render to the carrying out of theundertaking. As the Advertiser's idea is to start from some convenientGas-Works in the Midland Counties, and keep a steady northward course byholding on, before the wind, with a line and grappling-hook to the systemof telegraphic wires running alongside one of the great central railways, and as he proposes merely stopping occasionally _en route_ to unroof thehouse of some local medical man when any of the party are in need ofadvice, he confidently anticipates that the trip will not be devoid ofnovel and exciting features that will invest it with a distinctively freshand exhilarating character. For full and further particulars of theenterprise, which have been carefully thought out, apply, by letter, to "INNUBIBUS, " Uppingham Lodge, Mount-Rising, Ayrshire. * * * * * THREE THOUSAND BLAZING ACRES TO LET. --A Scotch Laird, who has, by someaccident in celebrating Her Majesty's Jubilee, managed to set fire to hisentire property, the whole of which, after smouldering for a season, hassince burst into a violent conflagration, which he can neither diminish norcontrol, would be willing to let it at a comparatively low rental to aLondon Sportsman sufficient novice in grouse-shooting not to be surprisedat picking up his birds already roasted in the heather. As at the end of aday's trudging in the blinding heat of a Sahara through smoking covers, accompanied by a powerful steam fire-engine, he will probably discover thathe has only succeeded in making a bag consisting of one singed "cheeper, "the "shooting" is likely to prove more attractive to the amateur unfamiliarwith the rifle, but accustomed to the tropical heat of a Central AfricanSummer, than satisfactory to a professional marksman counting ondispatching from a breezy moorland fifty brace or so to his relatives andfriends. --For terms, &c. , apply to THE MAC SALAMANDER, Flaimhaugh, GlenBlayse, N. B. * * * * * By a Canterbury Belle. (_Song at the End of the great Cricket Week. _) Fine weather, fair cricket, the bold "Men of Kent" To flirt and bet gloves--thirty pairs are my winnings!-- Why, yes, on the whole I'm extremely content; 'Tis the nicest of _outings_ to witness such _innings_. _Chorus_--A Cricketer _should_ be an excellent match Because he is certain to be "a good catch. " * * * * * [Illustration: SNAP-SHOTS FOR THE TWELFTH. An Extended Tract of Moor. A Second Laying. Heavy Bags are Difficult to Secure. ] * * * * * [Illustration: ANTHROPOPHAGOUS. _Little Nephew. _ "UNCLE, YOU MUST BE A SORT O' CANNIBAL, I----" _Uncle_ (_on a visit_). "A WHAT, SIR!? WHA'D'YER MEAN, SIR?" _Nephew. _ "'CAUSE MA' SAID YOU WAS ALWAYS LIVIN' ON SOMEBODY!"] * * * * * FOREIGN (LANGUAGE) COMPETITION. CARE EDITOR, --SENTIO obligatus scribere ad te propter extraordinariam novamdeparturam quam Gubernator recenter fecit. (Scribo Latinè, quia si illelegit hoc, _non poterit intelligere_! Prætendit intelligere Classicaperfectè, sed habeo graves dubitationes de illo. Hoc est inter nos. ) Sunt nostri holidies nunc, ut tu sine dubio es awarus; et, alio mane, Patersubito nunciavit suam intentionem detrahere me de Etonis, et mittere me adaliquem Tutorem in Germaniâ, "in ordinem ut discam modernas linguas, sicimportantes (ille ait) in cursu vitæ nunc-dies. " Fui attonitus, ut tu potes imaginare. Nam Gubernator, ut totus mundusnoscit, semper fuit laudator Classicorum. ("Omne ignotum pro magnifico, "intelligis; habeo illum illic, nonne? Hoc quoque est inter nos. ) In facto, pro momento ego fui "percussus omnis cumuli, " ut dictum est. Habere linquere Etonas, tam jolliam scholam! Et ire ad istos Teutones, quinon possunt ludere vel cricketum vel footballum, et sunt generaliterhorribiles muffi! Id est nimis malum pro verbis. Vide explanationem paternæ inconsistentiæ! Forsitan vidisti, O PUNCHE, quomodo aliqui journales pestilentes recenter abusi sunt Classicas linguas. Bene, Gubernator legit hos journales, et nunc odit Græcum et Latinum. Egoipse odi Græcum, sed Germanum est multo pejus, si possibile. Ut proGallico, non est ita difficile, exceptâ pronunciatione, quæ est bestiissimares umquam inventa. Sed "malo mispronunciare ad Etonas, quam in Continentirectè dicere, " ut CICERO dicit. Protestavi contra novam ideam Gubernatoris tantum quam audeo; sed habeoesse cautus, quia Gubernator non amat contradictionem. Fit cereus, sicontradicitur. Argui tamen ut obliviscar omnia mea Classica in Germaniâcelerius quam potes dicere "Johannes Robinson;" nam unum caput non potesttenere Græcum, Latinum, Germanum, _et_ Gallicum. Gubernator iracundèrespondit ut "_meum_ caput non potest tenere aliquam rem, ut videtur. " Hocest abominabilis libellus (inter nos iterum). Tunc posui ante eum pericula duellorum. Juvenes Teutonici omnes ineunt produellis, ut habeo auditum. Pater (crudelis!) fecit extremè leve hujuspericuli. "Si redeam sine naso, quid tum?" dixi. "Erit propria poena, "Gubernator sarcasticè respondit, "pro negligente NASONEM ad scholam. " Ille, percipis, "ridet ad cicatrices, quia nunquam sensit vulnus. " LaudatCaput-Magistros Marlburienses et Harrovienses et Winchesterenses proexpellendo Græcum de Intranti Examinatione pro illis scholis. Sperat ut "innullo tempore ero bonus Germanus scholaris"; sed ego dubito. Dixi ad eum utsola Germana verba que nosco sunt "Die Wacht am Rhein. " Gubernatorrespondit ut meus Tutor donaret mihi "die whacks am Rhein" si negligocurriculum studiorum. Jocus est extremè pauper. Admiror si Tutor verèdonabit id mihi calidum? O care Editor, nonne potes facere aliquam rem proretinente me ad Etonas? Tuus disconsolatus, TOMMIUS. * * * * * SEA-DREAMS. _By John Bull_ à propos _of the Naval Manoeuvres. _ FALMOUTH in flames! By Jove, that _sounds_ a stunner! FREMANTLE'S given HEWETT a fair "oner, " Somehow I feel I'd rather by a hantle, HEWETT had given toko to FREMANTLE. I dare say it's all right; yet there's no telling, What might be the result of _real_ shelling. Like the far-famed young lady of Devizes, FREMANTLE'S _forte_ appears to be surprises, Splendid no doubt, but, after all expenses, I feel more interested in _defences_. Of course for FREMANTLE to dumfog HEWETT, (And show a world of watchers _how to do it_) Is first-rate practice; an eye-opener verily; Only I fancy I should laugh more merrily, If _my_ eyes were the only optics gazing, Upon a feat that's no doubt most amazing; The Thames' mouth occupied by a fine fleet! The sight--as the fleet's mine--of course is sweet, But there's one thought that rather makes me blench:-- _Supposing that FREMANTLE had been French?_ * * * * * "BOOTIFUL. "--The good people of Stafford have given HER MAJESTY as aJubilee present a cabinet containing about two hundred pairs of boots andshoes. Evidently the stock is intended to last until HER MAJESTY reachesher next Jubilee, when, no doubt, the gift will be repeated! * * * * * STRIKING EFFECTS. --For further particulars, apply to the Midland RailwayCompany. * * * * * [Illustration: INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 50. GRAND PARLIAMENTARY CRICKET MATCH. (_Facsimile of Sketch by Our Electric Special. _)] * * * * * ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M. P. _Monday Night, August 1. _--Prince Louis of BATTENBERG had better be makinginquiries as to return trains for Germany. W. REDMOND "has had hisattention called to him, " and PICKERSGILL has his eye upon him. GermanPrince been appointed to command of _Dreadnought_ over thirty BritishOfficers who had precedence for promotion. W. REDMOND elicited more generalcheering than usually falls to his lot when he wanted to know what reasoncould be given for so extraordinary a mark of confidence? GEORGY HAMILTONexplained that there was best possible reason. Prince LOUIS a heaven-bornsea-Captain. No one like him among ordinary Britishers. Appointed to_Dreadnought_ simply because he was best possible man. Then PICKERSGILLcame to front. Couldn't object to First Lord's personal preference, butgave notice that if Prince LOUIS were confirmed in command of _Dreadnought_he would move that his salary be disallowed. More cheers. Idea of GermanPrinceling holding office, however honourable, without drawing a salarystruck Commons as comical. Subject seemed to drop here. But COMMERELL, having by this time had another question on other subject put and answered, collected his thoughts, rose and begged to say that "Prince Louis ofBATTENBERG served under me, and a more efficient officer----" Here sentencecame to abrupt conclusion. Angry cries of "Order!" stormed round gallantAdmiral. COMMERELL a man of proved valour, as the Victoria Cross worn onhis breast on Jubilee Day and other high festivities testifies. But hisbronzed cheek blanched under this assault. He stared round a momentspeechless, and resumed his seat. House in Committee through long hours on Irish Land Bill. Dulness enlivenedtowards midnight by encounter between CHAMBERLAIN and GRANDOLPH. CHAMBERLAIN began it; GRANDOLPH by no means backward. Rebuked CHAMBERLAINfor "characteristic sneer, " upon which CHAMBERLAIN smartly retorted. Theinteresting episode concluded by HARTINGTON announcing his intention tovote against CHAMBERLAIN and with the Government. HARCOURT much pleased. [Illustration: E. H. P-ck-rsg-ll. ] [Illustration: M-cl-n interposes. ] "This is only the beginning, " he said. "GRANDOLPH and CHAMBERLAIN haveevidently quarrelled. HARTINGTON doesn't bind himself to go withCHAMBERLAIN; and altogether the Unionist Party seems a little disunited. " _Business done. _--Irish Land Bill in Committee. _Tuesday. _--Questions over there was a pretty scene. JOHN DILLON complainedof allegation in provincial newspaper that he had applauded a statementthat in a riot at Belfast several children and a young lady school-teacher, the daughter of Lord SLIGO'S Agent, were seriously hurt. Hadn't proceededfar with explanation when voice from neighbourhood of Treasury Bench calledout, "It is true!" "Who says it's true?" shouted JOHN, flashing a baleful glance on TreasuryBench. At first he thought the interrupter was Old Morality, but his air ofperfect innocence repulsed suspicion. Was it DE WORMS, turning as, it iswritten, his family sometimes do? EDWARD CLARKE looked more guilty, so JOHN"named" him; denied the soft impeachment. HALSEY admitted it, and wasbacked up by half-a-dozen Members, including MACLEAN. Bore personaltestimony to having heard the applause when incident was mentioned. "I say it is true!" they repeated one after the other. "And I say it is false!" JOHN DILLON roared, and proceeded to denounceMembers opposite in language which speedily brought up the SPEAKER. After a while MACLEAN again interposed. Demanded to be heard whilst heasserted in detail the general accuracy of the newspaper paragraph, whilstof course acquitting DILLON "if he said he did not join in applause. "Parnellites, oddly enough, left all the fighting to JOHN, who was finallyput down by SPEAKER. After this pleasant interlude, House resumed Committeeon Land Bill. Proceedings dolorous, and House empty. At one time sittingnearly brought to end by a Count. _Business done. _--Irish Land Bill. _Thursday. _--Enter TREVELYAN; exit EDWARD RUSSELL, the latter carrying withhim the consciousness of that rare possession--popularity with both sidesof the House. Everybody sorry he has gone, especially "the DissentientLiberals. " As PLUNKET says, "He was the gentlest-mannered Radical in theHouse. " Crowded House. TREVELYAN brings his sheaves (1401) with him, inshape of rattling majority won at Glasgow. Everybody there but HARTINGTONand CHAMBERLAIN. Meeting in such circumstances with old colleague wouldhave been too touching. But older colleagues, under wing of GLADSTONE, infull force. Determined to kill the fatted calf for the returning prodigal. GLADSTONE would, of course, play the part of Aged Parent; TREVELYAN therepentant son. But who was to stand for the fatted calf? General impressionthat HARCOURT best suited by natural gifts for the character. HARCOURT'Shabitual modesty not to be overcome. "Wouldn't, " he said, "like to playsuch a prominent part. " Finally agreed that they should "imagine the calf. "All went admirably well. Might have been managed by that veteran strategistthe Sage of Queen Anne's Gate. [Illustration: Enter Tr-v-ly-n. ] [Illustration: Exit R-ss-ll. ] CHILDERS and CAMERON (both out of step with new Member) personallyconducted him to Table. Enormous cheering, which CHILDERS gentlydeprecated. "No, my good friends, " he said. "This is very kind of you. Butthere's really no credit due to me. I bring our young friend up because I, too, am a Scotch Member. Perhaps my success at Edinburgh may have givenfillip to Liberalism in the Lowlands. But pray don't mention it. Any littleservices I may have rendered are overpaid by this magnificent ovation. " More cheers when new Member was introduced to SPEAKER. Delighted to seehim. Had often heard his name. Pleased with this opportunity of making hispersonal acquaintance. Should be sure to know him again if he met him. Allthis lively and entertaining. But great scene artistically conceived forend of play. TREVELYAN, passing round back of SPEAKER'S chair, proceedingin search of quiet seat, beheld strange spectacle on Front OppositionBench. There was the Aged P. Signalling from his tent. Signal taken up byretainers and carried down crowded bench. Only in the place of honour mustthe new Member sit. Never made so much fuss of before. Last time took oathand seat, no particular notice taken of double event. What had happened inmeantime? Had he grown more eloquent; had he performed some conspicuousservice; or had he increased in personal esteem of those who know him? Thelatter impossible. In the former no change. He had merely kicked overtraces and was now come back to run in them. Thought of this with somebitterness. But reception well meant. There was the Aged P. Violentlybeckoning with venerable forefinger, and the errant son made his way up tohim, fell on his neck and kissed him----this of course in a Parliamentarysense. _Business done. _--Army Estimates. _Friday. _--House of Lords rent to its centre by deadly, blood-curdling, butter-melting controversy. Question is, shall it be Butterine orMargarine? The usually hostile camps streaked with enemies. A Noble Lord, who stands stoutly for Butterine, finds himself seated with another Peer, who swears by Margarine, and _vice versâ_. When division comes there iswoful cross-voting. It is BASING who appropriately brings on subject, andWEMYSS who moves that the compound be called Butterine, instead ofMargarine. Everyone in high spirits, sustained by a free collation, servedout at the door. This attraction rather militated against full success ofdebate. Noble Lords "asking for more, " of course having to linger outsidetill they'd eaten it. BASING (long known to us as SCLATER-BOOTH) revelledin his subject, and thanked the Markiss he was made a Peer in time to takepart in discussion. ARGYLL brought his massive mind to bear on Butterine;GRANVILLE toyed with the subject; and WEMYSS was more than usuallyemphatic. BRAMWELL had promised to speak for Butterine. Place empty whenturn came. "Where's BRAMWELL? He should be up next, " said WEMYSS. "Ah, " said ROSEBERY, "Would you know where last I saw him, He was eating bread and butterine. " Messengers despatched to corridor and BRAMWELL brought in with his mouthfull. A stirring debate, but Butterine was nowhere. BRAMWELL havingdemonstrated Margarine was "not the correct name for the substitute knownas Butterine, " their Lordships by large majority voted for Margarine. _Business done. _--In Commons Land Bill again. * * * * * A NEW WERSION OF AN OLD SONG. (_By a thorough Port-soakian. _) The LORD MARE leads an appy life, He has no cares of party strife, He drinks the best of hevry wine, I wish the LORD MARE'S lot was mine. And, yet all appy's not his lot, Although he has his title got; He hardly once alone can dine-- would not that his lot was mine. A Alderman more pleases me, He leads a life of jollitee: He nobly dines, has naught to pay, And has his health drunk ev'ry day. And though he has to sham delite At weary speeches nite by nite, And to administer the Law Without no blunders or no flaw, Still, though I but a Waiter be, The LORD MARE'S life would not suit me, But, while I drains my flowing can, I'll fancy I'm a Alderman! ROBERT. * * * * * POETRY OF PARLIAMENT. --A debate in the House of Commons corresponding tothe verse named Alexandrine--"Which, like a wounded snake, drags its slowlength along. " * * * * * SEASONABLE FIELD-SPORT. --Leather-hunting. * * * * * NOTICE. --Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS. , PrintedMatter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case bereturned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. *** Transcriber's Note: "I" inserted into the beginning of the last line ofthe sixth stanza of "Glass Falling", page 66. ***