PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VOL. 103. December 3, 1892. THE MAN WHO WOULD. III. --THE MAN WHO WOULD GET ON. "I dreamed, " said the Scotch Professor, "that I was struggling fordear life with a monstrous reptile, whose scaly coils wound about mybody, while the extremity of his own was lost in the distance. At lastI managed to shake myself free, and setting my foot on his neck, Iwas preparing to cut his throat, when the animal looked up at me withan appealing expression, and said, 'At least you might give me atestimonial!'" This professional nightmare (for the labours of a Scotch instructorconsist, to a great extent, in writing testimonials, or in evadingrequests for them), suggested to one of his audience the history ofSAUNDERS MCGREGOR, the Man who would Get on. In boyhood, SAUNDERSobtained an exhibition, or bursary, to the University of St. Mungo's. This success implied no high degree of scholarship, for the beneficewas only open to persons of the surname of MCGREGOR, and theChristian-name of SAUNDERS. The provident parents of our hero, havingaccidentally become aware of this circumstance, had their offspringchristened SAUNDERS, and thus secured, from the very first, an openingfor the young man. [Illustration] At St. Mungo's, SAUNDERS was mainly notable for a generous view oflife, which enabled him to look on the goods of others as practicallycommon among Christians. A pipe of his own he somehow possessed, but tobacco and lights he invariably borrowed, also golf-balls, postage-stamps, railway fares, books, caps, gowns, and similartrifles; while his nature was so social, that he invariably dropped into supper with one or other of his companions. The accident of beingleft alone for a few moments in the study of our Examiner, whereSAUNDERS deftly possessed himself of a set of examination-papers, enabled him to take his degree with an ease and brilliance which veryconsiderably astonished his instructors. By adroitly using his goodfortune, SAUNDERS accumulated a pile of most egregious testimonials, and these he regarded as the mainspring of success in life. He hadearly discovered in himself a singular capacity for drawing salaries, and as he had unbounded conceit and unqualified ignorance, heconceived himself to be fit for any post in life to which a salary isattached. He had also really great gifts as a _crampon_, or hanger-on, and neglected no opportunity, while he made many, of securing usefulacquaintances. Thus it was the custom of his college to elect, at stated periods, a man of eminence as Rector. SAUNDERS at onceconstituted himself secretary of a committee, and, without consultinghis associates, wrote invitations to eminent politicians, poets, painters, actors, editors, clergymen, and other people much in thepublic eye. In these effusions he poured forth the innocent enthusiasmof his heart, expressing an admiration which might seem excessive toall but its objects. They, with the guilelessness of mature age andconscious merit, were touched by SAUNDERS'S expressions of esteem, which they set down to hero-worship, and a fervent study of Mr. CARLYLE'S works. Only one of the persons addressed, unluckily, could be elected; but SAUNDERS added their responses to his pileof testimonials, and frequently gave them good epistolary reason toremember his existence and his devotion. His earliest object was to become secretary to somebody or something, the Prime Minister, the Minister for Foreign Affairs, the Societyfor the Protection of Aborigines, or Ancient Monuments, or even asSecretary to the Carlton Club, SAUNDERS felt he could do his talentsjustice in any of these positions. If anything was to be had, SAUNDERSwas the boy to ask for it; nay more, to ask other people to ask. Private Secretaryships to Ministers, or societies, or great Clubs, are not invariably given to the first applicant who comes along, evenif he appeals to testimonials in the Junior Mathematical Class fromProfessor MCGLASHAN of St. Mungo's. But SAUNDERS was not daunted. Hewould write to one notable, informing him that his grandmother hadbeen at a parish school with the notable's great uncle--on whichground of acquaintanceship he would ask that the notable shouldat once get him a post as Secretary of a Geological Society, or asInspector of Manufactories, or of Salmon Fisheries, or to a Commissionon the Trade of Knife-grinding. Another notable he would tell that he had once been pointed outto him in a railway station, therefore he was emboldened to askhis correspondent to ask his Publisher, to get at the Editor ofthe _Times_, and recommend him, SAUNDERS, as Musical Critic, or Sub-editor, or Society Reporter. Nor did SAUNDERS neglectProfessorships, and vacant Chairs. His testimonials went in for allof them. He was equally ready and qualified to be Professor of Greek, Metaphysics, Etruscan, Chemistry, or the Use of the Globes, whileBiblical criticism and Natural Religion, prompted his wildestyearnings. Though ignorant of foreign languages, he was prepared tobe a correspondent anywhere, and though he was purely unlearned in allmatters, he proposed to edit Dictionaries and Encyclopædias, of coursewith the assistance of a large and competent staff. His proofs ofcapacity for a series of occupations that would have staggered aCRICHTON, was always attested by his old College testimonials, forSAUNDERS was of opinion that the courteous _obiter dictum_ of aProfessor was an Open Sesame to all the golden gates of the world. Meanwhile, he supported existence by teaching the elements of theclassic languages, with which he had the most distant acquaintance, tolittle boys, at a Day School. But one of these pupils came home, oneafternoon, in tears, having been beaten on the palms of the handswith a leathern strap, in addition to the task of writing out theverb [Greek: tuptô]. This punishment was inflicted because, inaccordance with SAUNDERS'S instructions, he had represented theCyclops of Euripides as "sweeping the stars with a rake. " Theoriginal words of the Athenian poet do not bear this remarkableconstruction, so SAUNDERS was dismissed from the only work which hehad ever made even a pretence of doing. He has not the energy, northe lungs necessary for the profession of an agitator; he has notthe grammar required in a penny-a-liner, he cannot cut hair, and hismanners unfit him for the occupation of a shop-assistant, so thatlittle is left open to SAUNDERS but the industry of the Blackmailer. The office of Secretary to a Missionary in a Leper settlement, on anisland of Tierra Del Fuego, is, however, vacant; and, if the manyimportant personages with whom SAUNDERS has corresponded will onlymake a united effort, it is possible that the Man who would Geton may at last be got off, and relieve society from the burden ofhis solicitations. May the comparative failure in life of SAUNDERSMCGREGOR act as a warning to those who think that they shall beheard, by men, for their much asking! P. S. --This does not apply to women. We have just been informed thatMr. SAUNDERS MCGREGOR, M. A. , is about to lead to the altar the onlyand orphan daughter of the late ALISTER MCFUNGUS, Esq. , of CastleFungus, Dreepdaily, N. B. , the eminent introducer of remarkablyimproved processes in the manufacture of Heel-ball. * * * * * "ONE DOWN, T'OTHER COME ON!"--Mr. HORACE SEDGER has a _Prima Donna_supply always on tap. After two of them have retired from theprincipal part in _Incognita_, the lively Miss AIDA JENOURE--("'Aid'em JENOURE, ' she ought to be called, " quoth Mr. WAGGSTAFF)--comes tothe rescue, and "on we goes again" with an excellent _danseuse_, too, thoroughly in earnest, as her name implies, which sounds like MissSin-cere and is written Miss ST. CYR. * * * * * [Illustration: THE FIGHT FOR THE STANDARD. ] * * * * * [Illustration: A MERE DETAIL. _Friend of the Family. _ "WEEL, MRS. M'GLASGIE, AND HOW'S YOUR DAUGHTERDOIN', THE ONE THAT WAS MARRIED A WHILE AGO?" _Mrs. M'Glasgie. _ "OH, VARRA WEEL, THANK YE, MR. BROWN, VARRA WEEL, INDEED! SHE CANNA ABIDE HER MAN. BUT THEN, YE KEN, THERE'S AYE ASOMETHING!!"] * * * * * THE FIGHT FOR THE STANDARD. (_MODERN MONETARY VERSION. _) 'Twas the gallant Golden Knight downed his visor for the fight. All true champions delight in hard tussles. With his yellow Standard reared at his back, no foe he feared, And his gaze all comers queered, There at Brussels. Like _Sir Kenneth_, only more so, he expanded his fine torso. His Standard--bold he swore so--flying proudly, Still supreme should flow and flaunt, its defenders none should daunt. 'Twas a very valiant vaunt. Shouted loudly. Now the Silver Knight had sworn--that the Standard so long borne By the Aureate One, in scorn irreducible Should not solitary wave. He'd squabosh that champion brave, Or would find a torrid grave-- In some crucible! Such cremation he would dare if that Standard he might bear To the dust, and upraise there one more Silvery. For this Argent Knight, though pale, was right sure he could not fail, He was proud of his white mail, And his skill--very! So here, Gentles, you behold that brave Knight in mail of Gold, Sworn his Standard to uphold high and aureate; And that blusterous battle-bout, twixt those champions stern and stout, Will inspire, I have no doubt, Our next Laureate! Yank Knights-Errant may evince interest grave; that Indian Prince Will alternate swell and wince as they struggle; The young Scottish Knight BALFOUR (who looks callow more than dour) Hopes the Silver Knight may score, By some juggle. But in spite of Yank and Scot, and the Bimetallic lot, They who're fly to what is what, back the Gold 'un. And did _I_ bet--for fun--ere this Standard fight is done, I should plank my ten to one On the Old 'Un! * * * * * SUN-SPOTS. Fog, haze, smoke or cloud, almost daily enshroud The Metropolis--place we should shun-- And day after day the reports briefly say, "Bright sunshine at Westminster--none, " Yes, none! O Sol, not a ray; no, not one! _The Times_ says that lots, quite a fine group of spots, Are discernible now on the sun; Have these stopped heat or light, so that weather-wise write, "Bright sunshine at Westminster--none?" Yes, none! O Sol, what have you been and done? Have these sun-spots increased? We know London, at least, Is a spot unconnected with sun; All day long we burn gas, the report is, alas! "Bright sunshine at Westminster--none, " Yes, none! O Sol, you old son of a gun! * * * * * LADY GAY'S SELECTION. _Mount Street, Berkeley Square. _ DEAR MR. PUNCH, I am proud of being the "selection" referred to above, though, as amatter of fact it was _I_ who "selected" GAY from the numerous sweetyoung things submitted for my approval during the Season when Iwas considered "_the_ parti"!--but on this point I maintain a noblesilence! In spite of the old Welsh proverb, "Oh, wad some Gay thegiftie gie us, " &c. &c. , I was a bit puzzled on reading GAY's letters, at the similarity of names, but thought it only a coincidence, untilshe was so upset by the one she read when abroad, that she confessedeverything, and asked my advice!--It's very strange how all theseclever women, when they get into a fix, apply for assistance to weak"_man_!" eh? Now that flat-racing is over, we are "resting on ouroars" for a time--(that is literally true, for the country has beenmostly under water lately!)--but we shall shortly have a cut-in atsteeplechasing, when GAY will doubtless have some new experiences torelate; meanwhile, allow me to subscribe myself--(I like to subscribeto everything good)--Yours explanatorily, (Lord) ARTHUR FLEETWOOD. * * * * * ALL ROUND THE FAIR. NO. III. IN THE "FINE ART" EXHIBITION. _Rustic Art Patrons discovered applying their eyes to peepholes, through which a motley collection of coloured lithographs of the Crimean Campaign, faded stereoscopic-views, Scriptural engravings, and daubed woodcuts from the "Illustrated Police News, " is arranged for their inspection. _ _First Art Patron_ (_waiting for his turn at the first peephole_). Look alive theer, GE-ARGE, ain't ye done squintin' at 'un yet? _Ge-arge_ (_a local humorist_). 'Tis a rare old novelty, BEN, th'latest from London, and naw mistake 'bout it! _Ben_ (_with disappointment, as he succeeds to the peephole_). Why, 'tain't on'y ADAM an' EVE afoor th' Fall! that ain't so particklernoo, as _I_ can see--Lar dear, they're a settin' nekked on a livelion, and a nursin' o' rabbits! (_At the next hole_ ADAM _and_ EVE_are represented "After the Fall, " overwhelmed with confusion, whilethe lion is stalking off scandalised, with a fine expression of loftymoral indignation. _) 'Ere they are _agen_! that theer lion thinks he'splayed sofy to 'en long 'nough, seemin'ly! _Ge-arge_ (_from a further peephole_). I say, BEN, 'ere's Mrs. PEARCEYa murderin' Mrs. 'OGG down this 'un--we're a-gittin' _along_! _Ben_ (_puzzled_). They must ha' skipped out a deal. I'm on'y at "CAINkillin' ABEL!" _Female Patron_ (_to Proprietor_). 'Ere, Master, I can't see nothen'down 'ere--'tis all dark like! _Proprietor. _ Let _me_ 'ave a look! You shud put your 'ands so, eachside o' your eyes, and--(_He looks. _) 'Um, it is _rayther_--butwhat else do yer _expeck_? It's a "View o' Paris by Night, " ain'tit--_that_'s all right! OUTSIDE "PROFESSOR PUGMAN'S SPARRING SALOON. " _The Professor_ (_on a little platform, with a pair of Pupils_). Now then, all you as are lovers o' the Noble and Manly Art o'Self-Defence, step inside and see it illusterated in a scientific an'fust-class manner! This (_introducing first Pupil, who rubs his nosewith dignity_) is 'OPPER of 'Olloway, the becoming nine-stun Champion. This hother's BATTERS o' Bermondsey, open to fight any lad in Englandat eight-stun four. Is there anyone among you willing to 'ave a roundor two with either on 'em fur a drink an' admission free?--if so, now's his time to step forward--there's no waiting, mind yer? _Joe_ (_to Melia_). I b'lieve as 'ow I could tackle the little 'un--Iused to box above a bit. _Melia. _ Don't ye now, JOE; you'll on'y go and git yourself 'urt orsummat! _Joe. _ _I_ shan't git 'urt. 'Ere, Master, I'm game fur to put on thegloves wi' _'im_. _Prof. _ Git inside with yer then! (_To Crowd. _) Now then for the GreatGlove Contest--Just goin' inside to begin--Mind, there's _no_ waitin'! _Joe. _ 'Ere, MELIA, come along in, and look arter my 'at an' coat. _Melia. _ I dussen't, JOE! I can't abear to see no fightin', I'll bide'ere till ye come out. [_JOE enters the tent, followed by the Pupils and a few Connoisseurs. _ _Prof. _ (_looking into the interior of tent through a slit in thecanvas_). Theer they are! Oh my, what a pictur'! They're puttin' onthe gloves now, make 'aste if you're goin' in! (_The Crowd hesitate. _)'Ere! (_To the Champions. _) Step outside once more and showyourselves! [_The Champions appear, re-mount the platform, and are introduced all over again. _ _Melia_ (_intercepting her swain_). JOE, 'ow are ye gittin' on? Youdon't look none the worse so fur; is it neelly over? _Joe_ (_gruffly_). Neelly over! why, we ain't _begun_ yet--nor likelyto wi' all this bloomin' palaverin'! _Melia. _ I do wish 'twas over--Kip a good 'art, JOE; don't let 'un goknockin' ye about! _Joe_ (_with a slight decrease of confidence_). Theer's a way to talk!I doan't reckon as 'ow he'll _kill_ me, not in three rounds, I doan't, but if I'd a-know'd there'd be all this messin' about fust, I'd a-- [_He goes inside gloomily. _ [Illustration: "Theer they are! Oh my, what a pictur'!"] INSIDE THE SPARRING SALOON. _The Spectators are waiting patiently around the ropes; the Professor is still on the platform, expatiating on the coming contest. JOE has found a friend whom he has entrusted with his hat and coat. _ _Joe_ (_to the Friend_). Jest kip a heye on these 'ere, will ye! [_He hands him a huge pair of highlows. _ _Prof. _ (_calling in_). Fur the larst time, come outside and showyerselves, all on yer! _The Friend. _ You got to go out agin, JOE, better putt on yer coat an''at, not to ketch cold! _Joe. _ Ah, and I'll 'ave to 'ave they bo-oots on agen, too. (_He getsinto his things in a great flurry, and hastens outside. _) 'Tis enoughto take th' 'art out of a man, thet 'tis! [_More exhortations from Proprietor, until the last Spectator has been induced to enter the Saloon, whereupon the Champions return, and the hangings at the entrance are finally drawn. _ _Prof. _ (_acting as Timekeeper_). Now then, all ready? (_To JOE. _)In you go--What are yer waitin' for? Never mind about takin' orfyer boots! Gentlemen, BATTERS o' Bermondsey is agoin' to fight threerounds with a volunteer, one o' your own men. Whatever you see between'em (_solemnly_), pass no remarks! Time! [_JOE and "BATTERS o' Bermondsey" walk round each other and make a fumbling attempt to shake hands, after which JOE, while preparing to deliver a blow with extreme caution and deliberation, is surprised by a smart smack on his cheek, which makes him stagger; he recovers himself and prances down on BATTERS with a windmill action. _ _Batters_ (_limping into his corner_). 'Ere, I say, ole man--moind mytows--foight at yer right _end_! _Joe_ (_apologetically_). I didn't mean nothing unfair-like--I_warnted_ fur to take off them 'ere boots--but I warn't let! _Batters. _ I'll _let_ ye--fur 'taint no corpet slippers as you've goton, ole feller, I tell yer strite! [_JOE removes the offending boots. _ _Spectators_ (_during the second round, which is fought with morespirit than science on JOE'S part_). Ah, JOE ain't no match for'un--he let un _'ave_ it then, didn't he? My word! but it's "Go 'omean' tell yer Mother, an' ax yer Uncle 'ow ye be" with 'un, pretty nearevery time! _Prof. _ (_with affected rapture_). Oh dear! Oh lor! _What_ doins!Time! you two, afore ye _kill_ one another! Now, Gentlemen, a goodclap, to encourage 'em. I think you'll agree as the Volunteer isshowin' you good sport; and, if you think him deservin' of a drink, p'raps one o' you will oblige with the loan of a 'at, which he'll nowtake round. (_The hat is procured, and offered to_ JOE, _who, however, prefers that the collection should be made by deputy. _) Don't _forgit_'im, Gentlemen! (_Coppers pour into the hat, and the last round isfought;_ B. Of B. _ducking_ JOE'S _blows with great agility, andplanting his own freely in various parts of_ JOE'S _anatomy. _) _Spectators. _ 'E'll be knocked out in a minnit, 'e will! Don't sim togit near 'un no 'ow. Look a' _that_--and _thar_ agin! Ah, JOE gotone in that time--but the tother's the better man--'e don't touch 'unwithout _'ittin'_ of 'un--d'ye see? Time! Ah, and time it _was_ time, too--fur _'im_! _Prof. _ (_to JOE, as he sits blinking, and blowing his nose withvigour_). That was a jolly good fight--tho' rough. You've some notiono' sparrin'--we'd soon make a boxer o' _you_. 'Ere's _your_ share ofthe collection--sevenpence ap'ny. We give _you_ the extry ap'ny, bein'a stranger. Would you feel inclined to fight six rounds, later onlike, with another of our lads, fur ten bob, now? _Joe_ (_making a futile attempt to untie his glove with his teeth_). Much obliged, Master, but I've 'ad about enough spree a'ready to do mefur a bit. _Prof. _ Are there any two friends in 'ere as 'ud like to fight a roundor two? [_Two Rustics step forward valiantly--a tall dark man and a little red-haired one--and, after the usual preliminaries, square up at a safe distance. _ _Spectators_ (_to the tall man_). Why don't ye step _up_ to 'un, JIM?Use yer right 'and a bit! (_To the short one. _) Let out on 'un, TOM! [_TOM, thus exhorted, lands an unexpected blow on JIM'S eye. _ _Jim_ (_suddenly ducking under the rope in great dudgeon_). 'Twas acowardly blow! I didn' stan' up to be 'it in th' fa-ace i' that way;I've 'ad enoof of it! _Tom. _ Come back and fight it out! (_Soothingly. _) Why, ye come at melike a thunderin' great _lion_, ye did! _Jim_ (_putting on his hat and coat, sulkily_). Loi-on or noan, I ain't gawin' to hev naw moor on it, I tell 'ee. [_Groans from_Spectators. _Prof. _ Don't be 'ard on 'im, Gents; it ain't 'is fault if he's on'ybin used to box with bolsters, and as he ain't goin' to finish 'isrounds, it's all over for this time, and I 'ope you're all satisfiedwith what you've seen. _A Malcontent. _ _I_ ain't. I carl it a bloomin' swindle. I come 'ereto see some _sparrin'_, _I_ did! _Prof. _ Step inside the ropes then, and _I'll_ soon show yer some!(_This invitation is hastily declined. _) Well, then, go outside quiet, d'jear me? or else you'll do it upside down, like ole JOHN BROWN, in'arf a sec. , I can tell yer! [_The Malcontent departs meekly, and reserves any further observations until he is out of hearing. _ _Melia_ (_to JOE_). Lor, I wish now I'd been there to see ye; I do'ope ye weren't too _rough_ with 'un, though, JOE. What shall we donext?--'ave a turn on the swings, or the swishback circus, or thegiddy-go-round--or what? (JOE _shakes his head. _) _Why_ won't ye, JOE? _Joe_ (_driven to candour_). Why?--'cause it 'ud be throwin' awaymoney, seein' I've got 'em all goin' on inside o' me at once as 'tis, if ye _want_ to know! I feel a deal more like settin' down quiet abit, I do, if I cud find a place. _Melia_ (_with an inspiration_). Then let's go and 'ave our likenessestook! [_She cannot understand why JOE should be so needlessly incensed at so innocent and opportune a suggestion. _ * * * * * THE "BEST EVIDENCE"--HOW NOT TO GET IT. Have been summoned to attend as a Witness in the trial of the sixroughs who first drugged and then savagely ill-treated a foolishlyconvivial citizen in Whitechapel. Don't know if it was wise of meto tell the Police that I could identify the men. Since my evidencebefore the Magistrate came out, I have had thirty-seven threateningletters, my front windows have been broken several times over, and avaluable dog poisoned. Still, evidently a patriotic duty to "assistthe course of Justice;" and no doubt I shall be compensated. So this is the "Central Criminal Court, " is it? Should hardly havebelieved it possible. Outside mean and dirty. Interior, meaner and much dirtier. Speak to Usher. Usher mostpolite. Glad, that at any rate, they _do_ know how to treat importantWitnesses. Am assured I shall have a seat "close to the Judge. "Produce my witness-summons. Demeanour of Usher suddenly changes. Ishall have to go to the "Witnesses' Waiting-room in the old Court. "Where's that? _He_ doesn't know. I'd better ask a Policeman. It nowflashes across me that Usher mistook me for a wealthy, and probablygenerous spectator, and thought when I was fumbling in my pocket formy summons, I was looking for half-a-crown for _him_! Depressing. Policeman leaves me in a dark, draughty passage, with a bench on eachside. "But where is the waiting-room?" I ask an attendant. "_This_ isthe waiting-room, " he replies. More like the Black Hole. _Was_ it wiseof me to give information to the Police? _Two Days later. _--They crammed _forty_ Witnesses into that passage!No seats for half of them. We had one chair, and Usher took it away"as a lady wanted it in Court. " Lady no doubt a spectator--did _she_hunt in her pocket for half-a-crown? Anyhow, after two days in thepassage, I have just given my evidence in Court, with fearful coldon my lungs, owing to the draught. Very hoarse. Ordered by Judge, sternly, to "speak up. " Conscious that I looked a wretched object. Jury regarded me with evident suspicion. Severely cross-examined. Mentioned to Judge about my windows being smashed, &c. ; could Ireceive anything for it? "Oh, dear no, " replied the Judge; "we neverreward Witnesses. " Amusement in Court--at my expense. In fact, thecourse of Justice generally seems to be altogether at my expense. Home in a cab and a fever. Find ten more threatening letters, and aninfernal machine under area-steps. Go to bed. Doctor says I am infor pneumonia and bronchitis, he thinks. Tells me I am thoroughlyrun down, and asks me, "What I've been doing to reduce myself to thisstate?" I reply that, "I have been assisting the course of Justice. "Doctor shrugs his shoulders, and I hear him distinctly mutter, "Morefool you!" I agree with Doctor, cordially. Am quite certain now thatit _was_ unwise to tell Police that I could identify those criminals. If this is the way in which Witnesses are treated, let Justice infuture assist itself! * * * * * OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. My Baronite has been reading _Mona Maclean, Medical Student_. (BLACKWOOD. ) "It is, " he tells me, "a Novel with a purpose--norecommendation for a novel, more especially when the purpose selectedis that of demonstrating the indispensability of women-doctors. "Happily GRAHAM TRAVERS, as the author (being evidently a woman)calls herself, is lured from her fell design. There is a chapter ortwo of talk among the girls in the dissecting-room and the chemicallaboratory, with much about the "spheno-maxillary fossa, " the"dorsalis pedis, " and the general whereabouts of "Scarpa's triangle. "But these can be skipped, and the reader may get into the company of_Mona Maclean_ when she is less erudite, and more womanly. When notdissecting the "plantar arch, " _Mona_ is a bright, fearless, clevergirl, with a breezy manner, refreshing to all admitted to her company. The episode of her shopkeeping experience is admirably told, andaffords the author abundant and varied opportunity of exercising hergift of drawing character. _Mona Maclean_ is, apparently, a firsteffort at novel-writing. The workmanship improves up to the end of thethird volume; and Miss TRAVERS' next book will be better still. [Illustration: Affection's Offering--from Alfred the Second to DearGeorge the first. ] To Mr. J. FISHER UNWIN comes the happy thought of issuing, ina neatly-packed box, the whole twenty volumes of the PseudonymLibrary--and a very acceptable Christmas-Box it will make. Thevolumes, with their odd, oblong shape, are delightful to hold; thetype is good, and the excellence of the literary matter is remarkablywell kept up over the already long series. Mr. UNWIN promises freshvolumes, introducing to the British public Finnish and Danish authors, or Danish first, and the others to Finnish. See how these Poets love one another! How touching is the dedicationof ALFRED AUSTIN'S latest volume to GEORGE MEREDITH! May both livelong and prosper, is the hearty wish of their friend, THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. * * * * * THE ROYAL ROAD TO COMFORT. --A DREAM. The rival Steamboats were on the alert. It was a misty night, and itwas a difficult matter to make out the lights of Calais Harbour. "We shall catch him yet, " said the Captain of the Blue Vessel. "He will not escape us, " observed the C. O. Of the Red. Suddenly the Blue started at full steam ahead, and was lost to sightin Calais harbour. She was quickly followed by the Red, moving withequal expedition. The vessels reached the quay nearly at the same time. Then there wasconfusion and sounds of military music. Evidently the IllustriousPersonage had embarked. Then the mist cleared away. "He is safe on board, " said the Captain of the Blue Vessel, and hisMate indulged in a short laugh of triumph. "It does not matter, " observed the Commanding Officer of the Red; "theBlue may have his person, but _we_ have his luggage!" And then the cheers were renewed again and again, and the IllustriousPersonage came to the conclusion that English enterprise was notwithout its disadvantages! * * * * * [Illustration: WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH. HE TRAVELS ALL OVER ENGLAND IN SEARCH OF A BACKGROUND FOR HIS "_VIVIANBEGUILING MERLIN IN THE FOREST OF BROCELIANDE_, "--A HOPELESS QUEST!] * * * * * BOGEY OR BENEFACTOR? _Timid Ratepayer loquitur:--_ O lor! O dear! What have we here? What a nondescript, huge NID-NODDY! None know, I'm sure, what _I_ have to endure. It's enough to frighten a body! They are always up to some queer new game, and a giving me some fresh master; But this one is a _crux_ from the sole of his foot to the crown of his comical castor. He looks as big as all out-of-doors, and e'en BUMBLE was hardly as bumptious. He'd make my London a Paradise, which is a prospect that's perfectly scrumptious. But oh! he _is_ big, with the funniest rig; a Titan who, if he _should_ tumble, Might squelch me as flat as an opera-hat, and make me regret old BUMBLE. Noodledom ruled me for many long years; this means, I am told, a new Era; But bad as a Booby may be as a Boss, what about a colossal Chimæra? I don't say he's that, but with body of goat, dragon's tail, and the head of a lion, A creature were hardly more "mixed" than _this_ monster, whose rule for the time I must try on. A complex, conglomerate, Jack-of-all-Trades! Well, I trust he'll be master of some of them! _Largo al factotum_! He's game for all tasks, and--I wish I was sure what would come of them. Most representative? Palpable that! And his plans most sublime (so he says) are; But he looks just as motley a nondescript as the image of Nebuchadnezzar. The elephant who can root up a huge oak, or handle a needle or pin, is Less marvellous much, and it may be, of course, that the folks who distrust him are ninnies. I hope so, I'm sure. There are evils to cure, and of room for improvement there's plenty; And all must admit that, whatever his faults, he cannot be called _far niente_. He _does_ look a bit of a Bogey, but then he _may_ prove just a big Benefactor, And if he should work on the cheap, kill Corruption, and kick out the knavish Contractor, Without piling Pelion on Ossa (of rates) on my back, till my legs with the "tottle" limp, I _shall_ "learn to love him" as Giant Beneficent, not a big, blundering Bottle-Imp! * * * * * OPERA-GOER'S DIARY. --_Otello_ (the Grand Otello Company, Limited) wasthe feature last week. GIANINI a stout _Otello_, much and Moor. MELBAa charming _Desdemona_, but not a great part for her. DUFRICHE as_Iago_, good, but not good enough for _him_. Sir DRURIOLANUS gives_Carmen_ at Windsor Castle, before the QUEEN! Aha! Where now isLAGO Factotum and His Special Patronaged Royal Box at the Olympic?DRURIOLANUS Victor, with all the honours. * * * * * AT A RINK. Round and round, and to and fro At a rink, Pretty girls, with cheeks that glow Rosy pink; Graceful, gleeful, gliding, go, Whilst they link Arms together, like the flow Past its brink Of a river's eddy--so Duffers think They can glide. See one start slow, Shyly shrink, Fearful lest his end be woe, Sheepish slink, Skates on unaccustomed toe Strangely clink, Hot and thirsty he will grow, Long for drink; All around amusement show, Laugh and wink, But they look as black as crow, Or as ink, If he fall against them. Oh, In a twink On the floor, not soft but low, See him sink! Whilst he murmurs gently, "Blow This old rink!" * * * * * LOGICAL AND ENGINE-IOUS. --Why object (though we do) to Advertisementsof all sorts along our Railway lines? Surely, wherever the Locomotivegoes, there is the very place for puffing. * * * * * [Illustration: BOGEY OR BENEFACTOR? L. C. C. "HA, HA! YOU MUST LEARN TO LOVE ME!"] * * * * * [Illustration: QUITE UNPARDONABLE. _Assistant_ (_in his most insinuating manner_). "IN YOUR CASE, MADAM, I SHOULD CERTAINLY CONSIDER _FAST_ COLOURS MOST SUITABLE. " RESULT!] * * * * * CONVERSATIONAL HINTS FOR YOUNG SHOOTERS. THE SMOKING-ROOM. (_WITH WHICH IS INCORPORATED "ANECDOTES. "_) Let us imagine, if you please, that the toils and trampings of the dayare over. You are staying at a comfortable country-house with friendswhom you like. You have had a good day at your host's pheasantsand his rabbits. Your shooting has been fairly accurate, notostentatiously brilliant, but on the whole satisfactory. You havefollowed out the hints given in my previous Chapters, and areconsequently looked upon as a pleasant fellow, with plenty to say forhimself. After tea, in the drawing-room, you have had an hour or twofor the writing of letters, which you have of course not written, forthe reading of the morning papers from London which you have skimmedwith a faint interest, and for the forty or eighty or one hundredand twenty winks in an armchair in front of the fire, which are byno means the least pleasant and comforting incident in the day'sprogramme. You have dressed for dinner in good time; you have tiedyour white tie successfully "in once;" you have taken in a charminggirl (ROSE LARKING, let us say) to dinner. The dinner itself has beengood, the drawing-room interlude after dinner has been pleasantlyvaried with music, and the ladies have, with the tact for which theyare sometimes distinguished, retired early to bed-rooms, where it isbelieved they spend hours in the combing of their beautiful hair, andthe interchange of gossip. You are in high spirits. You think, indeedyou are sure (and again, on thinking it well over, not quite so sure), that the adorable ROSE looked kindly upon you as she said good-night, and allowed her pretty little hand to linger in your own while youassured her that to-morrow you would get for her the pinion-featherof a woodcock, or die in the attempt. You are now arrayed in yoursmoking-coat (the black with the red silk-facings), and your velvetslippers with your initials worked in gold--a birthday present fromyour sister. All the rest are, each after his own fashion, similarlyattired, and the whole male party is gathered together in thesmoking-room. There you sit and smoke and chat until the witching hourof night, when everybody yawns and grave men, as well as gay, go up totheir beds. Now, since you are an unassuming youngster, and anxious to learn, you ask me probably, how you are to bear yourself in this importantassembly, what you are to speak about, and how? The chief thing, Ianswer, is _not to be a bore_. It is so easy _not_ to be a bore ifonly you give a little thought to it. Nobody wants to be a bore. Icannot imagine any man consciously incurring the execration of hisfellow-men. And yet there exist innumerable bores scattered throughthe length and breadth of our happy country, and carrying on theirdismal business with an almost malignant persistency. Longwindedness, pomposity, the exaggeration of petty trivialities, the irresistibledesire to magnify one's own wretched little achievements, to pose asthe little hero of insignificant adventures, and to relate them to thewhole world in every dull detail, regardless of the right of other mento get an occasional word in edgewise--these are the true marks ofthe genuine bore. He must know that you take no interest in him or hisstory. Even if you did, his manner of telling it would flatten you, yet he fascinates you with that glassy stare, that self-consciousand self-admiring smirk, and distils his tale into your ears at thevery moment when you are burning to talk over old College-days withCHALMERS, or to discuss an article in the _Field_ with SHABRACK. I remember once finding myself, by some freak of mocking destiny, ina house in which _two_ bores had established fortified camps. On thefirst night, we all became so dazed with intolerable dulness, thatour powers of resistance faded away to the vanishing point. Both boressallied out from their ramparts, laid our little possessions waste, and led, each his tale of captives back with him, gagged, bound, andincapable of struggle. So next day, when the accustomed train Of things grew round our sense again, we agreed together, those of us, I mean, who had suffered on theprevious night, that something must be done. What it was to bewe could not at first decide. We should have preferred "somethinglingering, with boiling oil in it, " but at last we decided on thebrilliant suggestion of SHABRACK, who was of the party, that we shouldendeavour by some means or other to bring the two bores, as it were, face to face in a kind of boring-competition in the smoking-roomthat very night, to engage them in warfare against one anotherand ourselves to sit by and watch them mutually extinguishing oneanother; a result that, we were certain, could not fail to be broughtabout, owing to the deadly nature of the weapons with which each wasprovided. Both the bores, I may observe, shot execrably during theday. In the evening, after a short preliminary skirmish, from whichSHABRACK the hussar extricated us with but little loss, that which wedesired came to pass. It was a terrible spectacle. In a moment boththese magnificent animals, their bristles erect, and all their tusksflashing fiercely in the lamp-light, were locked in the death-grapple. Every detail of the memorable struggle is indelibly burnt into mybrain. Even at this distance of time, I can remember how we all lookedon, silent, awestruck, fascinated, as the dreadful fight proceededto its inevitable close. For the benefit of others, let me attempt todescribe it in the appropriate language of the Ring. GREAT FIGHT BETWEEN THE KENTISH PROSER AND THE HAMPSHIRE DULLARD. _Round I. _--Both men advanced, confident, but cautious. After sparringfor an opening, the Proser landed lightly on the jaw with, --"Whenthe Duke of DASHBURY did me the honour to ask me to his Grace'snoble deer-forest. " He ducked to avoid the return, but the HampshireChampion would not be denied, and placed two heavy fish-stories fairin the bread-basket. The Proser swung round a vicious right-handeranecdote about a stag shot at 250 yards, but the blow fell short, and he was fairly staggered by two in succession ("the tree-climbingrabbit, " and "the Marquis of DULLFIELD'S gaiters"), delivered straighton the mouth. First blood for the Dullard. After some hard exchangesthey closed, and fell, the Dullard underneath. _Round II. _--Both blowing a good deal. The Proser put up his Dukes, and let fly with both of them, one after another, at the Dullard'sconk, drawing claret profusely. Nothing daunted, the Dullard watchedhis opportunity, and delivered a first-class Royal Prince on theProser's right eye, half closing that optic. The men now closed, butbroke away again almost directly. Some smart fibbing, in which neithercould claim an advantage, ensued. The round was brought to a close bysome rapid exchanges, after which the Proser went down. Betting 6 to 4on the Dullard. _Round III. , and last. _--Proser's right peeper badly swollen, theDullard gory, and a bit groggy, but still smiling. Proser opened witha ricochet, which did great execution, but was countered heavily whenhe attempted to repeat the trick, the Dullard all but knocking himoff his legs with a fifty-pound salmon. After some slight exchangesthey began a hammer-and-tongs game, in which Proser scored heavily. Dullard, however, pulled himself together for a final rush. They metin the middle of the ring, and both fell heavily. As neither was ableto rise, the fight was drawn. Both men were heavily damaged, and werecarried away with their jaws broken. There you have the story. The actual result was that these twoponderous bores all but did one another to death. So exhaustedwere they by the terrible conflict, that our comfort was not againdisturbed by them during this particular visit. We were lucky, thoughat first we scarcely saw it, in getting two evenly matched ironcladbores together. If we had had only one, the matter would have been farmore difficult. * * * * * [Illustration: THE SERPENT'S TOOTH. "DIDN'T I SEND 'IM TO HETON AN' HOXFORD? DIDN'T I SEND 'IM INTO THEHARMY, ALONG O' SOME O' THE BIGGEST NOBS IN ALL HENGLAND, WITH ANALLOWANCE FIT FOR A YOUNG HEARL? AND WHAT'S THE HUPSHOT OF IT ALL?WHY, HE GIVES DINNERS TO DOOKS AND ROYAL 'IGHNESSES, AN' DON'T EVENHARSK 'IS PORE OLD FATHER TO MEET 'EM. 'IGHNESSES, INDEED! I COULD BUYUP THE 'OLE BLESSED LOT! AND, _WHAT'S MORE, I WOULDN'T MIND TELLIN''EM SO TO THEIR FACES, FOR TWO PINS!--AH! JUST AS SOON AS LOOK AT'EM--AND 'E KNOWS IT!_"] * * * * * UNDECIDED. Goosey, Goose, Uganda, With whom will you wander, With the English, with the French? Or with King MWANGA? * * * * * ADVICE GRATIS (_by a Bill Poster_). --"Invest all your savings inhoardings. " * * * * * THE COMPLIMENT OF COIN. (_AN EXTRACT FROM MR. PUNCH'S PURELY IMAGINARY CONVERSATIONS. _) SCENE--_Interior of a Palace. _ Emperor _and_ Empress _discovered discussing the former's tour in foreign parts. _ _Emperor_ (_finishing a good story_). So after I had made a heartymeal off the bread-and-milk, I gave the old woman a note for fivethousand thalers, and told her to buy a three-sous portrait ofmyself so that she might see the Sovereign that she had saved fromstarvation. Ha! ha! ha! Wasn't it amusing? _Empress_ (_smiling_). Very, dear; but wasn't it a little expensive?Surely you could have got the bread-and-milk for a smaller sum? _Emperor. _ Of course I could! But then, don't you see, it made mepopular. It's in all the papers, and reads splendidly! _Empress. _ Yes, of course, dear. By the way, I found this volume(_producing book bound in velvet with real gold clasps_) in yourovercoat. May I peep into it? _Emperor_ (_doubtfully_). I don't think you will find it particularlyinteresting. I have just jotted down my petty cash disbursements. _Empress_ (_opening book and glancing at contents_). Dear me! Why thetotal amounts to £15, 000! I see it's put in English money. _Emperor. _ Yes, it saves trouble. When I am travelling I get ratherconfused with all coinage save that of Mother's Fatherland. _Empress. _ But surely £15, 000 is a lot to expend upon extras? _Emperor. _ Depends on the view you take of things. I had a lot ofthings to buy. _Empress. _ But surely _this_ must be wrong? Shoeblack fifty guineas! _Emperor_ (_lightly_). No, I think that's all right. You see, thefellow, after he had cleaned my boots, suddenly recognised me, calledme Sire, and sang the "_Wacht am Rhein_. " I couldn't, after that, givehim less. _Empress. _ Well, you know best, dear; but I should have thought youcould have got your boots cleaned for rather less! _Emperor. _ Possibly; but I should have lost the story. And you know itreads so well. _Empress. _ And here's another rather big item. £800 for a Londoncabman! _Emperor. _ I consider _that_ the cheapest item in the lot. He wantedmore! _Empress. _ And here are several items of seventy pounds apiece. Whatwere _they_ for? _Emperor. _ Oh, nothing in particular. Little girl picked up myhandkerchief, and a little boy asked me for a kite. Was obliged togive them each a bundle of tenners. It would have been so mean if Ihad given them less. But there, I told you you wouldn't find the bookat all interesting. If you will pass it to me, I will lock it up. _Empress. _ Oh, certainly, dear. (_Gives up volume. _) And now, darling, I am going to ask you a favour. You never saw such a pet of acoronet as they have at Von ----'s. Now I want you to buy it for meparticularly. _Emperor_ (_embarrassed_). Certainly, dear--but you know, we are nottoo well off. _Empress. _ Oh, but it is simply charming. Rubies round the edge, anda cross of brilliants and emeralds. And, really, _so_ cheap. They onlywant £100, 000 for it! _Emperor. _ Very nice indeed; but just at this moment it would be alittle inconvenient to produce so large a sum. _Empress. _ Large sum! Why, the rubies alone are worth all the money. _Emperor. _ Yes, I know, dear. And now I must hurry away; duty, mylove, comes before pleasure. See you soon. [_Exit hurriedly, to attend a review. In the meanwhile, Coronet remains in the jeweller's shop-window. Curtain_. * * * * * [Illustration: THE FESTIVE SEASON. A SCOTCH NIGHT. ] * * * * * AN EVENING FROM HOME. There used to appear daily--and it may be appearing daily now, foraught I know, only, speaking on oath, I haven't lately noticed it--aquestion addressed by Everybody in General, or by Nobody in Particularto Everybody Else, which took this form: "Where shall we dine to-day?"I forget what the answer was, but, as a rule, the domesticated man, with a good cook in his own kitchen, could answer it offhand bysaying to himself, "'_Where_ shall we dine to-day?' Why, at home, ofcourse--where better?--and catch me moving out afterwards. " But, if hewere contemplating the unpleasant certainty of having post-prandiallyto leave his hearth and home in order to visit some theatre, opera, orconcert, then it might occur to him that he could do the thing well, and give his party a novel treat, if, in French fashion, he took themsomewhere to dine, previous to doing their play. Thus it occurred toYours truly, Y TI-BULLUS BIBULUS, a day or two ago, when, dressed inhis classical evening Togaryii in a _Currus Pulcher_ (with a _Cursor_alongside anticipating _denarii_, and risking the sharp rebuke of aprobable _Cursor_ inside the vehicle) he was passing the Oxford MusicHall, and a brightly decorated Restauration caught his observant eye. Was it new, or was it a Restauration restored? Its name, in largeletters, "FRASCATI. " This seemed at once to lend itself to a familiarjingle, and I found myself humming, -- Oh, did you never hear of Frascati? 'Tis not far from Rome, eh my hearty? The place looks so fine, I will there go and dine, And I'll bring with me all of my party! [Illustration: "Our Hamp-phitryon. "] Horatian inspiration! I like to find out a new dining-place. Yearsago, by the merest accident sailing north, I discovered the Holborn, and, since then, how many have not blessed the Columbus Holbornius?I do not ask how many _have_ done so. "That is another story. " Sincethen, the taste for dining domestically away from home has comeconsiderably into fashion. The Ladies like it, and the Law allows it. (Quotation from _Merchant of Venice_ adapted to occasion--Restaurantedition--_Portia_ for two. ) It is a cheerful change, it assists thecirculation of coin, it is an aid to the solution of the problems ofBimetallism, it rejuvenesces the home-fire-sider, it developes ideas, restores the balance of temper; and, if only the dinner be good, everybody goes away delighted, --guests are satisfied, the host ispleased, the waiter smiles on the tipper, the tipper on the manager, the manager on the proprietor, and all is Joy and Junketing! Judge mysurprise, when to me, TIBULLUS, entering Frascati, and as _Cicerone_, informing my friends (all eager and hungry, and therefore unwillingto dispute) how Frascati was the ancient Tusculum, a well-known faceappears welcoming us with smiles. It is Signor HAMPI, better known asMr. HAMP of Holborn. "Salve!" quoth I, as TIBULLUS. "The same to you, Sir, " responds HAMPIUS. "Now, " said my friend WAGSTAFFIUS, withoutwhom no party is complete, "Now we shall be Hamp-ly satisfied. " The arrangement of the Frascati is a novelty; it is all so open and, though there are plenty of staffers about, not in the least stuffy. It would take a considerable crowd to overcrowd the place and todemoralise the troops of well-disciplined waiters, all under theeye of the ever-vigilant generalissimo of the forces, who in hiswhite waist-coat, black tie, and frock-coat of most decided cut anduncompromising character--there is much in a frock-coat and somethingtoo in the wearing of it--is here, there, and everywhere, and onlywaiting till the last moment, and the right one, when the banquetis ended, to give the word of command, "Charge!"--and the charge(decidedly moderate and previously named in the _carte du jour_) isreceived with satisfaction and defrayed with delight. I have only one suggestion to make, and that affects the music not themeal. Let the music be adapted to the dishes; and not only should thecourse of time be considered as it progresses, but also the time ofthe course. For example, --who that has an ear for music can swallowoysters deliberately and sedately while the band is playing a madgalop? Let there be something very slow and _pianissimo_ for the _horsd'oeuvres_: something gentle and soothing for the oysters; therecan be an indication of heartiness in the melody that ushers in thesoup, as though giving it a warm welcome. There should be a mincingminuet-like movement for the _entrées_, a sparkling air for thechampagne, and something robust for the joint. A sporting tune for thegame: sweet melody for the sweets, and a grand and grateful Chorale--akind of thanksgiving service as it were--when the last crumb and thelast bit of cheese have been swept away. [Illustration: "Up I came with my little lot!!"] After this to The Pavilion, in plenty of time to hear the ubiquitousALBERT CHEVALIER singing his celebrated coster-songs. Signor COSTAwas a well-known name in the musical world some years ago; CHEVALIERCoster is about the best-known now. These ditties are uncommonlytelling; the music is so catching and so really good. Then his singingof the little Nipper "on'y so 'igh, that's all, " has in it that touchof nature which makes you drop the silent tear and pretend you areblowing your nose. Capital entertainment at the "Pav. " Ingress andegress is not difficult, and the place doesn't become inconvenientlyhot. The sweet singer with the poetic name of HERBERT CAMPBELL is veryfunny; which indeed he would be, even if he never opened his mouth. Such a low comedian's "mug!" But of all the pretty things to be seen in its perfection here (I haveseen it elsewhere, and was not so struck by it) is the Skirt Dance. Itis "real elegant, " graceful, and picturesque. What a change has comeover the Music-hall entertainment since--since--"since even _I_ wasa boy!" says the Acting Manager, Mr. EDWARD SWANBOROUGH, --evergreenin the true sense of the word. A vast improvement, no doubt of it. But, with such good amusement for the public, why on earth do theMusic-Halls want to do "Dramatic Sketches"? And, if they do them, then, judging by what I saw at the "Pav, " I am fain to ask again, why, in the name of SHAKSPEARE, and the musical glasses, should thetheatres object? Does anyone seriously think that _Othello_ or _King Lear_ is wantedat the Music-Halls, or that SHERIDAN'S _School for Scandal_ wouldn'tempty any Music-Hall of its patrons? It is the "variety" which isthe charm of the Music-hall show, and if any one part of the varietyshow is a bit too long--longer let us say, than the time it takes tosmoke one-eighth of a fair-sized cigar and to drink half a glass ofsomething according to taste--then the audience will pretty plainlyexpress what _they_ understand by Variety, what _they_ have paid tosee, and what they mean to have for their money; and if they don't getit there, they'll go somewhere else where it will be given them. Thesumming-up, Gentlemen, is that, if you want a pleasant evening, youcan't do better than dine at Frascati and afterwards patronise the"Pav. " Such is the opinion of Y TI-BULLUS BIB. * * * * * NOTICE. --Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS. , Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in nocase be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and AddressedEnvelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.