PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VOL. 102. April 9th, 1892. BOAT-RACE DAY. _The Reader will kindly imagine that he has crossed Hammersmith Bridge, and is being carried along by a jostling stream of sightseers towards Mortlake. The banks are already occupied--although it still wants half an hour to the time fixed for the start--by a triple row of the more patient and prudent spectators. On the left of the path, various more or less_ Shady Characters _have established their "pitches, " and are doing their best to beguile the unsophisticated. _ _First Shady Character_ (_presiding over a particoloured roulette boardwith a revolving and not unmanageable index_). Three to one any colour youlike! Fairest game in the world! I'm a backin' I'm a layin'.... Pop it on, you sportsmen! (_Two_ Sportsmen--_a couple of shop-boys_--"_pop it on_, "_in coppers_. ) Yaller was your colour--and it _is_ a yaller cap, sureenough! _I_'m a payin' this time. Try it again! (_They do. _) Blue's yourfancy this turn, my lord. And green it _is_! Good ole Hireland for ever!Twenty can play at this game as well as one! Don't be afraid o' yerluck--'ave another go. _Red_ did you put your coppers on? And it's _yaller_again--and _you _ lose! (_The_ Sportsmen _pass on--with empty pockets_. )Fairest game _in_ the world! _Second S. C. _ (_who has been conducting a Confidence Auction from a barrowand egg-box_). Well, I 'ope you're all satisfied, and if you ain't--(_candidly_)--it don't make no bloomin' difference to me, for I'morf--these premises is comin' down fur alterations. [_He gets off thebarrow, shoulders the egg-box, and departs in search of fresh dupes. _ _A Vendor. _ Now all you who are fond of a bit o' fun and amusement, jestyou stop and invest a penny in this little article I am now about tointrodooce to your notice, warranted to make yer proficient in the 'ole artand practice of Photography in the small space of five seconds and aarf--and I think you'll agree with me as it ain't possible to become anexpert photographer at a smaller expense than the sum of one penny. 'Ere I'old in my 'and a simple little machine, consistin' of a small sheet ofglorss in a gilt frame. I've been vaccinated five 'underd-and-forty-onetimes, never been bit by a mad dog in my life, and all these articles havebeen thoroughly fumigated before leaving the factory, therefore you'llagree with me you needn't be afraid o' catchin' the Inflooenza. They tellme it's nearly died out now--and no wonder, with everythink a cure forit--but this article is a _certain_ remedy. All you've got to do is to biteoff a corner of the glorss, takin' care to be near a public 'ouse at thetime, chew the glorss into small fragments, enter the public 'ouse, callfor a pot o' four ale, and drink it orf quick. It operates in this way--theminoot portions of the glorss git between the jaws of the microbe, preventin' 'im from closin' 'is mouth, and thereby enablin' you tosuffocate 'im with the four ale. (_To the Reader. _) Will you allow me toshow you how this little invention takes a photograph, Sir? kindly 'old itin your 'and, breathe on it, and look steadily on the plate for the spaceof a few seconds. (_All of which the Reader, being the soul of courtesy, obligingly does--and is immediately rewarded by observing the outline of adonkey's head produced upon the glass. _) Now if you'll 'and that round, Sir, to allow the company to judge whether it ain't a correct likeness-- [_But here the Reader will probably prefer to pass on. _ _Third S. C. _ (_who is crouching on ground by a tin case, half covered witha rug, and yelling_). Ow-ow-ow-ow!... Come an' see the wonderful littlepopsy-wopsy Marmoseet, what kin tork five lengwidges, walk round, shake'ands, tell yer 'is buthday, 'is percise age, and where he was keptured! [_Crowd collects to inspect this zoological phenomenon, which--as soon as an inconvenient Constable is out of hearing--reveals itself as an illicit lottery. Speculators purchase numbered tickets freely; balls are shaken up in the tin box--and the popsy-wopsy invariably gets distinctly the best of it. _ [Illustration: "I'm ole Billy Fairplay, _I_ am!"] _Fourth S. C. _ (_an extremely disreputable-looking old gentleman, with acunningly curled piece of tape on a board_), 'Ere, I'm ole BILLY FAIRPLAY, _I_ am! Come an' try yer fortins at little 'Ide an' Find! Arf a crown yerdon't prick the middle o' this bit o' tape. Bet arf a crown, to win fiveshillin's! (_A school-boy sees his way to doubling his last tip, andspeculates. _) Wrong agin, my boy! It's old BILLY FAIRPLAY'S luck--for_once_ in a way! [_The School-boy departs, saddened by thismost unexpected result. _ _Fifth S. C. _ (_a fat, fair man, with an impudent frog-face, who is tryingdesperately hard to take in a sceptical crowd with the too familiarpurse-trick_). Now look 'ere, I don't mind tellin' yer all, fair _an_'frank, I'm 'ere to get a bit, if I _can_; but, if you kin ketch me on my_merits_, why, _I_ shan't grumble--I'll promise yer that much! Well, now--(_to a stolid and respectable young Clerk_)--jest to show you don'tknow _me_, and I don't know _you_--(_he throws three half-crowns into thepurse_). There, 'old _that_ for me. Shut it. (_The Clerk does so, grinning. _) Thank you--you're a gentleman, though you mayn't look likeit--but perhaps you're one in disguise. _Now_ gimme 'arf a crown for it. Yer won't? _Any_ one gimme arf a crown for it? Why--(_unprintablelanguage_)--if ever I see sech a blanky lot o' mugs in _my_ life! 'Ere, I'll try yer once more! (_He does. _) _Now_ oo'll gimme arf a crown for it?(_To a Genteel Onlooker, with an eyeglass, who has made an audiblecomment_) "See 'ow it's done!" So yer orter, with a glazier's shop whereyer eye orter be! Well, if anyone had 'a told me I should stand 'ere, onBoat-Race Day too, orferin' six bob for arf a crown, and no one with theordinary pluck an' straightforwardness to take me at my word, I'd havesuspected that man of tellin' me a untruth! (_To a simple-lookingspectator. _) Will _you_ 'old this purse for me? Yer will? Well. I like themanly way yer speak up! (_Here the_ Gent. Onl. , _observing a seedy manslinking about outside, warns the company to "mind their pockets"--whichexcites the_ Purse-seller's _just indignation_. ) "Ere!--(_to the_ G. O. ) youtake _your_ 'ook! I've 'ad enough o' you. I 'ave. You're a bloomin' sighttoo officious, _you_ are! Not much in _your_ pockets to mind--'cept the keyo' the street, and a ticket o' leave, I'll lay! If you carn't beyave as aGentleman _among _ Gentlemen, go 'ome to where you 'ad your 'air cutlast--to Pentonville! (_The_ G. O. _retires. _) There, we shall get alongbetter without '_im_. 'Ow long are you goin' to keep me 'ere? Upon my wordan' honour, it's enough to sicken a man to see what the world's come to!Where's yer courage? Where's yer own common sense? Where's your faith in'umin nature? What do yer _expect_? (_Scathingly. _) Want me to wrop it upin a porcel, and send it 'ome for yer? Is _that_ what yer waitin' for!Dammy, if this goes on, I shall git wild, and take and give the bloomin'purse a bath! (_The_ Simple Spectator _feels in his pockets--evidently fora half-crown_. ) 'Ere, _you_ look more intelligent than the rest--I'll tryyer jest this once. Jest to show yer don't know me, and--(_Shouts of"They're off! They're coming!" from the bank; the_ Purse-seller's _audiencesuddenly melts away, leaving him alone with the_ Seedy Slinker. ) 'Ere, JIM, we may as well turn it up. 'Ere come them blanky boats! _A Juvenile Plunger_ (_with rather a complicated book on the event_). IfOxford wins, I've got ter git a penny out of 'im, and if Kimebridge wins, you've got ter git a penny outer _me_! _Crowd_ (_as the Crews flash by_). Go it, Oxford! Ox--ford! No, Kimebridge!Well rowed, Kimebridge!... Oxford wins! No, it don't. _I'll_ lay it don't!Splendid rycin'. Which on 'em was Oxford? The inside one. No, it worn't--they was _outside_. Well, Oxford was _leadin_', anyway!... There, _that's_all over till next year! Not much to come out for, either--on'y just see'em for a second or so. Oh, _I_ come out for the lark of it, _I_ do.... There goes the pidgins orf.... We shan't be long knowin' now.... 'Ere's thePress Boat comin' back.... There, wot did I _tell_ yer, now? Well, theydidn't orter ha' won. That's all--the others was the best crew.... 'Erethey are, all together on the launch, d'ye see? Seem friendly enough, too, considerin', torkin' to each other and all. Lor, they wouldn't bear nomalice now it's over! [_Crowd disperse, and patronise_ "_Popsy Wopsy_, " _the Roulette_, _Ole Billy Fairplay_, _&c. _, _&c. _, _with renewed zest. _ * * * * * Mrs. RAMSBOTHAM is staying with her niece in the country. She is muchdelighted with the rich colour of the spring bulbs, and says she at lastunderstands the meaning of "as rich as Crocus. " * * * * * WILLIAM THE WHALER, AND HIS GREAT LONE WHALING EXPEDITION. MODERN IMPERIAL GERMAN VERSION. (BY BIZZY THE PILOT. ) ["The arrangements for the German Emperor's Whale-hunting excursion havebeen made. "--_The Times. _] [Illustration] 'Twas arter he'd got rid o' Me, Brave boys. When Will-I-AM he did sa-a-a-ail, In a bit of a boat Which would scarcely float, And he went for to catch a Whale, Brave boys! All alone for to catch a Whale. His Sire and his Grandsire trusted Me, Brave boys! Who was never known for to fa-a-a-il; But _he_ thought he knew More than Cap'en _and_ crew, In the matter o' catching a Whale, Brave boys! In the matter o' catching a Whale. He'd inwented a new harpoon, Brave boys As was shaped on a whoppingish sca-a-a-le And he thought with delight, (The "magnanimous" mite!) He was _going_ to catch that Whale, Brave boys! He made cocksure o' catching that Whale! There were several Whales about, Brave boys! Here and there a twitching a ta-a-a-il; And he thinks, thinks he, "I will catch all three, But pertikler that big black Whale, Brave boys! Most pertikler that big black Whale. " Enraptured with his bit of a boat, Brave boys! He set forth to sea in a g-a-a-a-le; Which was altogether The wrong sort o'weather For a novice to capture a Whale, Brave boys! A mere nipper for to capture a Whale. I gives him the best of adwice, Brave boys! For I knowed he was bound for to fa-a-a-il; But he ups, and he offs, And he snubs me, and he scoffs At the notion of a-missing that Whale, Brave boys! The mere notion of _not_ catching that Whale. And he bobbles about on the waves, Brave boys! And his stout heart doth not qua-a-a-ail; He's a foolish little chuck, But he's got a lot o' pluck, Still, he will not catch that Whale, Brave boys! He ain't going for to catch that Whale. There was three whopping Whales in the offing, Brave boys! And them he did loudly h-a-a-ail; But to such a voice as his'n They worn't a-going to listen, Especially that big black Whale, Brave boys! Most especially that big black Whale. He crept up with his big harpoon, Brave boys! That monster to impa-a-a-ale, And stubbornly he kep' on A hurling of his weapon, Till he managed to hit that Whale, Brave boys! He managed to prick that Whale. Then he thought he'd done a mighty clever thing, Brave boys! But the Whale gave a fhwisk! with his ta-a-a-ail, And then vanished from his view, _With the harpoon wot he threw_, And WILL-I-AM nearly followed that Whale, Brave boys! Wos werry near to _following_ that Whale: Then WILL-I-AM the Whaler looked dumfoozled, Brave boys! And _I_ sings out--a being within ha-a-a-il-- "I told you, noble Cap'en, Exactly wot would happen!" So--he didn't catch that Whale, Brave boys! _No--he never caught that Whale!_ * * * * * "NAMES AND THEIR MEANING. "--_À propos_ of some correspondence in the_Morning Post_ under the above heading, we would ask, Why not make theSecond Chief Commissioner for the Behring Straits Difficulty, Mr. SEALEHAYNE, M. P. , with Lord SAY AND SELE to speak on the subject, and then signthe official documents? * * * * * MRS. R. Has heard much lately about the "Sandringham Stud" and the "St. Andrews Links, " both of which, she understands, are very large. She can'tmake out how gentlemen prefer them to nice, neat little shirt-buttons! * * * * * [Illustration: A BROTHER PASTELLIST. [Messrs. GOUPIL admit Artists and Students free to Mr. WHISTLER'SExhibition. ] _Gatekeeper (stopping squalid Stranger). _ "NOW THEN, WHAT DO YOU WANT?" _S. S. _ "COME TO SEE JIMMY'S SHOW. " _Gatekeeper. _ "ONE SHILLING, PLEASE!" _S. S. _ "NOT ME! I'M A ARTIST--CORNER O' BAKER STREET--CHALKS. LE'MMETHROUGH!" [_Chucked!_] * * * * * "Signs" of the Times. ["He was brought up to speak in the ante-stumping era. "--_Lord Rosebery on Lord Granville. _"] You do well, my dear Lord, to spread GRANVILLE'S renown. Knightly, loyal, and courteous to monarch or clown, He had pluck, and swift speech, though no mere Party Pump. To our late platform level he hardly worked down; But the popular sign of _his_ day was "The Crown, " Of _ours_ 'tis "The Magpie and Stump. " * * * * * A PROPHECY AS TO THE U. B. R. When the Eights are reaching Chiswick, One will give the other physic. * * * * * TWO DROMIOS. --One day last week at Highgate, a certain or uncertain WILLIAMPEA, horsedealer, was summoned by the Police for furious driving. ThePolice knew him well by sight, but not well enough, as he clearly provedwhat _Mr. Weller Senior_ called "a alleybi. " Evidently Mr. PEA has adouble, and "as like as two Peas" is peculiarly applicable in this case. For if the other one isn't a Pea, he has been taken for one by thePee-lers. * * * * * QUESTION OF POLITENESS. --Except in the case of a man's father having been"a big gun" at any time, to call anyone "a Son of a Gun, " has hitherto beenconsidered a gross insult. Is it equally insulting to speak of a Lady as "aDaughter of a Canon?" * * * * * AN EMPTY TRIUMPH. (_A Story of Show Sunday. _) It was Show Sunday; lovers of Art were streaming in and out of every Studiothey could hunt up, fired with a laudable ambition to break the record bythe number they visited in the hours between luncheon and dusk. [Illustration] The residence of so rising a painter as TINTORETTO TICKLER was naturally aplace in which no person of any self-respect would neglect to be seen; andon this particular afternoon the entrance-hall, sitting-rooms, and studiowere simply choked with an eager throng of friends, acquaintances, andutter strangers; for TINTORETTO'S lavish hospitality was well known, and noexpense had been spared to give his guests as favourable an impression ofhis talent as possible. A couple of knights, clad in complete steel--thelocal greengrocer and an Italian model--took the guests' hats, andannounced their names; there were daffodils and azaleas in profusion; theRed Roumanians performed national airs in the studio-gallery; Italianmandolinists sang and strummed on the staircase, and, in the dining-room, trim maid-servants, in becoming white caps and streamers, dispensed coffee, claret-cup, and ices to a swarm of well-conducted social locusts. Just outside his painting-room stood TINTORETTO TICKLER, at the receipt ofcompliment, which was abundantly and cheerfully paid. Indeed, the torrentof congratulation and delicately-expressed eulogy was almost overwhelming. One lovely and enthusiastic person told him that the sight of his "_DryadDisturbing a Beanfeast_" had just marked an epoch in her mentaldevelopment, and that she considered it quite the supreme achievement ofthe Art of the Century. A ponderous man in spectacles, whom TICKLER had norecollection of having ever met before in his life, encouraged him by hissolemn assurance that his "_Jews Sitting in a Dentist's Waiting-room, inthe reign of King John_, " was perfectly marvellous in its realism andhistorical accuracy, and that it ought to become the property of theNation; while an elderly lady, in furs and a crimped front, declared thatthe pathos of his nursery subject--a child endeavouring to induce amechanical rabbit to share its bread-and-milk--was sending her home withtears in her eyes. Some talked learnedly of his "values, " his "atmosphere, "and the subtlety of his modelling; all agreed that he had surpassed himselfand every living artist by his last year's work, and no one made anymistake about the nature of his subjects, perhaps because--in considerationfor the necessities of the British Art-patron--they had been fullyannounced and described in the artistic notes of several Sunday papers. When they got outside, it is true, their enthusiasm slightly evaporated;TICKLER was going off, he was repeating himself, he had nothing that waslikely to produce a sensation this year, and most of his pictures wouldprobably never be seen again. As, however, these last remarks were not made in TINTORETTO'S presence, itmight have been thought that the unmistakable evidences of his successwhich he did hear would have rendered him a proud and happy painter, --butif he was, all that can be said was that he certainly did not look it. Heaccepted the most effusive tributes with the same ghastly and conventionalsmile; from feminine glances of unutterable gratitude and admiration heturned away with an inarticulate mumble and an averted eye; at times healmost seemed to be suppressing a squirm. If expression is any index to thethoughts, he was neither grateful nor gratified, and distinctlyuncomfortable. A painter-friend of his, who had been patiently watching his opportunity toget a word with him as he stood there exchanging handshakes, managed atlast to get near enough for conversation. "Very glad to find there's notruth in it!" he began, cordially. "No truth in _what_!" said TICKLER, alittle snappishly, for he was getting extremely fractious, "thecompliments"? "No, no, my dear boy. I mean in what a fellow told me outside justnow--that some burglars broke into your studio last night, and carried offall your canvasses--a lie, of course!" "Oh, _that_?" said TICKLER, "that's true enough--they left nothing behind'em but the beastly frames!" "Then what on earth----?" began the other, in perplexity, for another groupwas just coming up, beaming with an ecstasy that demanded the relief ofinstant expression. "Well--er--fact is, " explained poor TICKLER, in an undertone, "I _did_think of shutting the studio up and getting away somewhere--but my wifewouldn't hear of it, you know; said it would be such a pity to have had allthe expense and trouble for nothing, and didn't believe the mere absence ofpictures would make any particular difference. And--er--I'm bound to saythat, as you can see for yourself, it _hasn't_!" And even as he spoke, he had to resign himself once more to a farewellburst of positively fulsome appreciation. * * * * * THE KING AND THE CLOWN. [Illustration: PAYNFUL PROCEEDINGS; OR, AFTER THE PANTOMIME'S OVER. [See _Times_ Report, Friday last, April 1st, "All Fools' Day. "]] KING HERBERT CAMPBELL THE FIRST, and HARRY PAYNE, the Clown, were sittingtogether, quaffing, after hours, and when work was done, just as in thegood old times was the wont of _The King and the Cobbler_, or _The King andthe Miller_. To them entered a Constable, intent on duty, and no respecterof persons. Often had he seen the Clown maltreat a policeman on the stage, nay, had seen him unstuff him, cut his head off and blow him limb from limbfrom a gun, and then put him together again; the only mistake being thatthe unfortunate official's head was turned the wrong way. So thisConstable, too, looking backwards, as had done the poor pantomimicpoliceman, remembered all the slights, insults, and injuries, publiclyinflicted on his cloth for many years, and now rejoiced--Ha! ha!--at lastat having the Clown, the original JOEY, nay, the last of the JOEYS, in hisgrasp. Poor KING HERBERT the Merry Monarch the Constable pitied, but still"constabulary duty must be done, " as he had heard sung; and rememberingthat my Lord Chief Justice, in days gone by, had sent off the Heir Apparentto prison, so now he the Constable, in the name of the Law, would hale KINGHERBERT before the Magistrate. So King and Clown were had up accordingly. Did the Clown whimper, and cry, "Oh, please, Sir, it wasn't me, Sir; it wast'other boy, Sir!" and did the good King prepare to meet his fate like aman? and was he ready to put his head cheerfully on the wig-block anddeclare with his latest breath (up to 12. 55 P. M. ) that in his closing hourshe died for the benefit of the Public? We know not--except that bothdelinquents were let off--like squibs--and Mine Host, the Boniface, had topay all the fines. He at all events had a Fine old time of it! _Sictransit_! So fitly ends the long run of a good Pantomime. _Finis coronatopus_! * * * * * The Volunteer Review at Dover. _General Idea of Officers in Command. _--To make as few mistakes as possiblein handling some thousands of imperfectly-drilled and entirelyundisciplined bodies of men. _The same of the Rank and File. _--To spend an annual holiday in marchingand counter-marching, and then, after thirty miles of moving over a heavycountry, to return to London dead beat. * * * * * EFFECTIVELY SETTLING IT. --A "par" in the _Daily Telegraph_ last Fridayinformed us that "The Bishop of EXETER administered, yesterday, the rite ofconfirmation to thirty-eight patients of the Western Counties' Idiot Asylumat Starcross. This is the first time such a rite has been conferred uponinmates of this institution. " Very hard on these inmates, as, previous tothe ceremony there might have been some hope of their recovery; but nowthey have become "confirmed idiots. " * * * * * ODE TO A GIRAFFE. (_On hearing that the Solitary Specimen at the Zoo had just died. _) [Illustration] So Death has paid the Zoo a call, And claimed you for his own, Who "neck or nothing" had been left To bloom--and die--alone. From far I gazed into your face, I did not know your name, You looked uncomfortable, but I loved you all the same. Your neck _was_ just a trifle long, I think you must confess. I've often thought if, as a fact, You could have done with less. But we must take you all in all, And so I hear with pain That probably we shall not look Upon your like again. I could have spared a buffalo Or elephant with ease, An armadillo, or a bear, A dozen chimpanzees. When _Jumbo_ left for foreign skies, I did not shed a tear, For though his _Alice_ mourned his loss, I knew that _you_ were here. You've gone to heaven, if that's where The good giraffes all go. I wonder if you'll ever see What happens down below. I hope, for your own comfort, not, But, if you ever do, Please recognise me as the Man Who sadly haunts the Zoo. * * * * * THE POET AND THE SONGS. [Illustration] I HAD a thought, a dainty thought, A quaint and cunning fancy, I said, "A theme with humour fraught Within my grasp I can see. This thought will work into a set Of verses fit for singing. " A voice rasped, "Oh, a deal o' wet!" And off that thought went winging. And once again that thought returned, With yet more brightness on it-- This time with the desire I burned To weave it in a sonnet. I'd get an artist chum to do The subject in a rare cut. Alas! before 'twas grasped it flew, Alarmed by, "Git yer 'air cut!" I strayed in silent solitude That lost thought to recover, And, as my journey I pursued, 'Twould still around me hover. Almost I grasped, one fatal day, That fancy, quaint and clever, A cad shrieked, "Tara-boom-de-ay!" And off it flew--for ever! * * * * * SUNDAY OBSERVANCE. [Illustration] WHAT a shocking state of things, Oh, my goodness, Mrs. GRUNDY! There's a man that plays and sings In a Blackpool hall on Sunday! Oh, what wickedness, oh, dear! Sunday music! What a scandal! Folks might even go and hear Things by HAYDN or by HANDEL! Rush and find some obsolete Act of wise and pious GEORGES, Which will help us to defeat Such abominable orgies! But here's worse news, I declare; Gracious patience, Mrs. GRUNDY! Eastbourne people cannot bear Nice Salvation bands on Sunday! Acts, not words, again we need, Just to show them they are silly. Sunday Music stopped? Indeed, They _must_ like it, willy nilly! * * * * * THEATRES AND MUSIC HALLS COMMISSION. (_A Matinée, by Our Own Reporter. _) [Illustration] IN reply to Mr. WOODALL, Mr. J. L. TOOLE said he was happy to come there. _Name is JOHN LAWRENCE TOOLE_? Yes. "JACK with my familiars, "--hem!--SHAKSPEARE. Being in Witness-box, --JACK in the Box. _What he would take_?Nothing, thanks, not even his oath. He was quite prepared to kiss thebook--in the absence of the belle. Little joke that--has heard of "bell, book, and candle. " Couldn't bring the candle in, --would if he could, though, just to--ahem!--make it a light entertainment. Would they excusehis glove? What did they want to know? _Whether the sanitary arrangementsat his Theatre were good_? Rather--he could only say they were "fust-rate. "A 1, in fact, like the performance. The house held over two thousandpounds, and was crowded nightly to see _Walker, London. Did he consider thestructure safe_? Of course he did--safe as Houses--that is, safe as hishouses for _Walker, London_ were going to be for the next three years and ahalf, when his tenancy would expire, and he should then be in the Army. _Did the Committee want to know how it was that he would be in the Army_?He'd tell them; because, when he gave up that Theatre, he would be a "LeftTenant. " Not bad that, for a beginner. We're a getting on, we are. As toventilation--well, he couldn't have too much ventilation for _Walker, London_. He should like it aired everywhere. _Then the Committee might takeit that he was satisfied with the structure_? Well--if they put it in thatway--yes--he thought the structure a bit faulty---but what's the odds aslong as the public like the piece? He didn't consider _Walker, London_, amodel of dramatic construction, but he looked upon the House Boat built onthe stage as quite a model of construction; the end of the piece was a bithazy, and he didn't yet know why everybody allowed him to go off with thepunt, which they wouldn't get back, unless his friend, Mr. SHELTON, who wassplendidly made up as a riverside boatman, brought it back, and, beggingthe Committee's pardon if they'd excuse his glove, he couldn't tell; notthat it was a secret, because the clever author, a very nice retiring chapcalled BARRIE, hadn't confided it to him, --but--what was he saying?--oh, yes--he couldn't tell how it was all the characters on board didn't seeELIZA JOHNSON as _Sarah_ in the punt. But as _Walker_ says, "Oh, that'snothing! that's nothing!" _The Chairman wished to know if there is anegress at the back of the Theatre?_ He (Mr. TOOLE) did not remember everhaving seen a negress there. There were two beautiful young ladies--MissIRENE VANBRUGH and Miss MARY ANSELL--now playing, and, he might say it whoshouldn't, playing charmingly in _Walker, London_. _The Chairman didn'tmean that_. No? But _he_ (Mr. TOOLE) did, and he might add, though "it wasnothing, a mere nothing, " that the performance of his three young men--Mr. C. M. LOWNE, as the sensible lover; Mr. SEYMOUR HICKS, as the young medicalstudent; and Mr. CECIL RAMSEY, as "W. G. , " a youthful athlete, wasadmirable. They were all in _Walker, London_. In reply to Mr. T. H. BOLTON, who wished to know _if the Witness considered his Theatre a substantialedifice_, Mr. TOOLE said that he certainly did, because, you see, theTheatre would never go to pieces as long as the pieces went to the Theatre, and as long as it was supported by the public. _Have I any complaint_?Nothing to speak of, except a touch of gout. Oh, beg pardon, you meant_complaint as to the Theatre_? Oh, no, except it's not large enough to holdthe millions who can't be crammed in nightly. Has an excellent ActingManager in Mr. GEORGE LEE, and as to friend BILLINGTON'S stage-managementof the House Boat (the scene, he might say, was painted by Mr. HARKER, aname not unknown at the Mansion House), it is the best thing of the sortever done. Any evening that Mr. PLUNKET, Mr. WOODALL, or Mr. BOLTON, or anyother of the Honourable Gentlemen would like to look in and see _Walker, London_, they have only to send to the Box Office, or any of the Libraries, and book in advance--he couldn't say fairer than that--because it wasadvice that he always gave to "Friend IRVING, " and which he had adopted. Nomore? Hope he doesn't intrude. Would the Committee excuse his glove? Yes?Then, remember, _Walker, London_. Mr. J. L. TOOLE then hurried out. After his departure it was found that allthe spectators had on their backs adhesive labels advertising _Walker, London_. * * * * * [Illustration: A WARNING. _Archie_ (_to his Sister, who has been reading him Fairy Tales_). "WON'TTHERE BE A LOT OF _US_, IF NONE OF US GO AND GET MARRIED? WORSE THAN _HOPO'MY THUMB_!" _Sister. _ "YES; BUT YOU KNOW _I_ MEAN TO BE MARRIED!" _Archie. _ "DO YOU MEAN TO SAY YOU'D GO AND LIVE ALONE WITH A MAN AFTERREADING _BLUEBEARD_?"] * * * * * A WAITING GAME. WARY WILLIAM, _loquitur_:-- _Drat that dog_! Dogs are mixed, --like men. Few know how to _jog_; Hasty tongue and pen, Many a bungler bog, Steady! _I_'ll say when! Lots of dogs I've bred. Most want whip, a deal. This one, be it said, Is more hot than leal; Wants to go ahead, Hates to come to heel! Skies are overcast; Slowly comes the spring, Quarry's tracked--at last, Strong, though, on the wing. Steady! Not so fast! Waiting game's the thing. 'Tother WILLIAM'S style Rather spoiled this pup. _Steady_! Wait awhile! H-RC-RT's like a Krupp. I can stroll, and smile-- Till the birds get up. Half-bred dogs--well, well, Mustn't talk like that! Else they'll call _me_ "swell. " _Down! What are you at_? Scurry and pell-mell Do not 'bell the cat. ' Sport is not a mere Game of "Spill and pelt" Patience! End is near. _Down_! Brute wants a welt! Modern breed runs queer; That I long have felt. 'Tother WILLIAM snorts, L-BBY only grins; But at most all sports It is _judgment_ wins. Breed, though, now consorts With mongrels--for its sins! Long the sport I've loved, Mean to try again, I should be reproved Did I speak too plain: But--are dogs improved By that Irish strain? Steady, my lad, steady! Nearly slipped me then! You're too hot and heady-- (Like no end of men!--) _Near_!--but not _quite_ ready. Steady! _I_'ll say when! * * * * * VESTRYMEN CLIMBING DOWN. --Say the unfortunate Nonconformist Vestrymen ofSt. George's, Southwark, --"We won't pay the Rector's Rate; but we won't goto prison, at any rate. " * * * * * PRUDES AND NUDES. [An "Officer of high rank" has written to _Truth_, complaining of the naked statues and pictures he saw at Londonderry House, at a sale on behalf of Irish Home Industries. ] ATTEND and hear the story of a most uncommon _militaire_, Whom the sight of naked statues caused to tingle to his boots, Who was seen to beat his breast, and (which was far more flat and silly) tear His hair by blushing handfuls from its shocked and modest roots. It was dreadful! There were Duchesses (Heav'n bless their handsome faces!) And a host of pretty Countesses, and Maidens by the score, And they sold some Irish Industries--embroideries and laces-- And MADGE described to AMY all the pretty frocks they wore. But the statues and the paintings didn't seem at all to worry them, Having work to do they did it just as quiet as a mouse, Though this soldier took his daughter and his wife, and tried to hurry them In the cause of outraged virtue far from Londonderry House. So when next he goes where statues are, we'll do our best to hide them, Since to prudes all things are prudish, lest his modesty take hurt. Though some one else, perhaps, may write, and say he can't abide them, When Apollo stands in trousers, or when Venus wears a skirt. * * * * * FROM ROBERT. --"Sir, I'm proud of my furrin co-profeshunal LHÉROT, thehimminint Waiter, wot nobbled the bomb-ta-ra (hif I may so igspress mysentimenx) waggybun, RAVACHOL. This Waiter is wot my french frend calls a'_Tray bong Gassong_, ' and the wunnerful manner the french Waiters has ofcarryin a tray loded with drinkabels is worthy of the hippythep. He sezorlso has is name, hinsted of LHÉROT, ort to be andid down to posterittoryas 'L'HÉROS'--wich word as rote down by hisself means 'The Hero. ' He got a1000 Franks, wich is rayther more nor wos ever got by one BOB. " * * * * * [Illustration: A WAITING GAME. THE OLD KEEPER. "GENTLY! GENTLY!--MY BEAUTY! I'LL SAY '_WHEN_'!"] * * * * * [Illustration: REALLY PLEASANT! SIX MILES FROM HOME, HORSE DEAD LAME, AWFULLY TENDER FEET, AND HORRIBLYTIGHT BOOTS. ] * * * * * MR. PUNCH'S BOAT-RACE NOVEL. STONYBROKE. CHAPTER I. IT was the eve of the University Boat-Race. In the remote East the gorgeousAugust sun was sinking to his rest behind the purple clouds, gilding withhis expiring rays the elevated battlements of Aginanwater Court, theancestral seat of His Grace the Duke of AVADRYNKE, K. C. B. , G. I. N. , whoseNorman features might have been observed convulsively pressed against theplate-glass window of his alabaster dining-hall. There was in theatmosphere a strange electric hush, scarcely broken by the myriad voices ofhoarse betting-men, raucously roaring out the market odds of "Fifty to one. Oxbridge!" or "Two ponies to a thick 'un, Camford!" Well would it have beenfor the Duke of AVADRYNKE had he never offered the hospitality of hisfamous river-side residence to the Oxbridge Crew. But the Duke had thecourage of his ancient boating-race whose banner waved proudly upon thetopmost turret, bearing upon its crimson folds the proud family motto, "_Dum Vivo Bibo_. " And the sun went down, and within Aginanwater Court the sounds of wildrevelry shook the massive beams. CHAPTER II. THE Oxbridge Crew still sat in the marble supper-room, amid the _débris_ ofthe feast that the Duke's Seneschal had laid out for them. The floor waspaved with Magnums and Maximums of the best Heidanseekerer champagne, mostof them as empty as the foolish head of the Duchess of AVADRYNKE, which wasat that moment reposing upon the brawny chest of Lord PODOPHLIN, thecelebrated No. 5 of the Oxbridge Crew. On a raised dais at the end of theroom the ladies of the Tarara _corps de ballet_ were performing the finalsteps of the Sinuous Shadow-dance, specially dedicated to the Oxbridge Crewby the _chef d'orchestre_ of Tarara's Halls. "May I be jiggered, " observed the Oxbridge President, Sir WELFORARDLONGSTROKE, as he selected his fourth regalia from the Duke's pearl-encrusted box, and lit it with all the _abandon_ of a Society darling, "mayI be jiggered if this is not ripping! What say you?" he continued, addressing young PULYER WRIGHT, the Coxswain, and tossing him playfullyfour times to the raftered ceiling--"shall we not beat the dastard foe fromCamford to-morrow?" A roar of applause sprang from the smoking mouths ofhis seven companions. But at this moment the Duchess of AVADRYNKE and Lord PODOPHLIN roseunobserved and quitted the room. In another minute the sound of hurryingwheels, gradually growing fainter in the distance, was heard by no one inthe avenue. And the dance went on, and revelry rose to its maddest pitch. But no one, who, as has been recorded above, had heard the sound of thewheels, gave a thought to the Duke of AVADRYNKE, as he sat tearing his hairin the violet bedroom, having learnt from the faithful Seneschal theterrible news of the Duchess's elopement with the heir to the house ofPODOPHLIN. CHAPTER III. THE morn of the race dawned clear and sparkling. Far as the eye couldreach, the banks of the river were rich with Millions, and firm enough tobear any run upon them however heavy. But Sir WELFORARD LONGSTROKE was illat ease. His No. 5 had fled leaving no trace, and he had no one to fill thevacancy. He looked the very model of an aquatic hero. His broad chest wasloosely clad in a pair of blue satin shorts, and his fair hair fell inwaving masses over his muscular back. His thoughts were bitter. The Camfordcrew had started on the race some ten minutes ago, and the Oxbridge craftstill waited idly in the docks for want of a No. 5. "Surely, " Sir WELFORARD thought to himself, "PODOPHLIN might have postponedthe elopement for one day. " A confused noise interrupted his meditations. Some ten yards from him a man roughly clad, but with the immense musculardevelopment of the Arri Furnese Apollo, was engaged in fighting threebargees at once. As Sir WELFORARD stepped forward, this individual struck aterrible blow. His ponderous fist, urged by the force of a thirty-inchbiceps, crashed through the chest of his first foe, severed the head of thesecond from his body, and struck the third, a tall man, full in themidriff, propelling him through the air into the middle of the river. "That's enough for one day, " he said, as with an air of haughty melancholyhe removed his clay-pipe from his mouth. His face seemed familiar to SirWELFORARD. Who could he be? All doubt was removed when he advanced, graspedSir WELFORARD by the hand, and, in tones broken with emotion, said, "Don'tyou recognise me? I am your old College chum, Viscount STONYBROKE. " CHAPTER IV. "SAVED! Saved!" shouted Sir WELFORARD, joyously--"there is yet time!" Then, rushing into rhyme, he asked, "Will you row in the race, In PODOPHLIN'Splace?" [Illustration: Touching Finale. ] "Will I row in the race?" repeated Lord STONYBROKE--"just won't I!" And, without removing his hobnails, or his corduroys, he sprang lightly into theOxbridge racing-boat. The rest is soon told. In less time than it takes tonarrate the story, the Camford lead was wiped out. The exertion proved toomuch for seven men in the Oxbridge Crew, but the gigantic strength of theeighth, Lord STONYBROKE, was sufficient of itself to win the race by fiftylengths. And that night, when the Prime Minister handed to him the rewardof victory in the shape of a massive gold dessert service, he was also ableto announce that the STONYBROKE estates and the STONYBROKE title had been, by the Monarch's command, restored to their original possessor, as a rewardof conspicuous valour and strength. [THE END. ] * * * * * [Illustration: THE HOUSE OF COMMONS WAX-WORKS. THE CHIEF GROUPS. ] * * * * * Walt Whitman. "The good grey Poet" gone! Brave, hopeful WALT! He might not be a singer without fault, And his large rough-hewn rhythm did not chime With dulcet daintiness of time and rhyme. He was no neater than wide Nature's wild, More metrical than sea-winds. Culture's child, Lapped in luxurious laws of line and lilt, Shrank from him shuddering, who was roughly built As cyclopean temples. Yet there rang True music through his rhapsodies, as he sang Of brotherhood, and freedom, love and hope, With strong wide sympathy which dared to cope With all life's phases, and call nought unclean. Whilst hearts are generous, and whilst woods are green, He shall find hearers, who, in a slack time Of puny bards and pessimistic rhyme, Dared to bid men adventure and rejoice. His "yawp barbaric" was a human voice; The singer was a man. America Is poorer by a stalwart soul to-day, And may feel pride that she hath given birth To this stout laureate of old Mother Earth. * * * * * OUR CRICKETERS. --The English Cricketing Team came to the end of theirAustralian tour last week, where, under the leadership of Lord SHEFFIELD, out of twenty-six matches they won thirteen, lost two, and eleven weredrawn. The Eleven of course were drawn over and over again, _i. E. _, photographed. It will henceforth be a recommendation for any Cricketer tosay he was out under this distinguished captaincy, as to this introductionthe host will rejoin, "Ah, I know that man, he comes from SHEFFIELD. " Notonly were the English team successful playfully, but also artistically, asin every match they played with GRACE. * * * * * BRAWLING AT HOME AND ABROAD. --On the same day in the papers appearedaccounts of brawling in a Church in Paris, where a free fight ensued and nopolice interfered, and of a row in a Church in London Road, when the policewalked off with an anti-curate and put an end to the disturbance. Somethings we _do_ manage better in England. * * * * * COCKNEY CLASSICS. --Of the Guildhall Loan Collection, Mr. Deputy HORA is theChairman. As a Deputy must be a representative officer--except, perhaps, inthe case of a "Depitty Sawbones, " _vide Sam Weller_--the temporary motto ofthe Deputy's Ward might well be, "_Hora pro nobis_. " * * * * * [Illustration: A NEW COMET. ["Mr. DENNING, whose name is well known as a comet-finder, discovered a_small_ FAINT _Comet_ on Friday, March 18, at Bishopton, Bristol. "--_Times_. ] * * * * * [Illustration: HASTY! _Mary. _ "IF MISSUS DON'T WITHDRAW WHAT SHE HAS SAID TO ME, I SHALL LEAVETHE HOUSE!" _Thomas. _ "WHAT DID SHE SAY?" _Mary. _ "SHE SAID, 'I GIVE YOU A MONTH'S NOTICE!'"] * * * * * ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M. P. [Illustration: Seymour-Keay. ] _House of Commons, Monday. March 28. _--Strange sight witnessed in Houseto-night. Subject of Debate, Indian Council Bill; Benches nearly full. Pupand dog, I've known the House for nineteen years, and never before saw thelike. Explanation not found in fact of CURZON making his maiden speech asMinister in charge of Bill, though that had some influence at outset. Ablespeech it proved, our newest Minister having the great gift of lucidity. Itwas later than that when House filled, nearly two hours later, for inmeantime SCHWANN had delivered Address as long as the Ganges, and MACLEAN(who was waiting his turn to speak) says, nearly as muddy. Curious how India seems to affect eminent orators, making them for the timepointless, dull, and above all, verbose. Probably no subject other thanIndia could unite such galaxy of born orators and debaters. SWIFT MACNEILL, RICHARD TEMPLE, SAMUEL SMITH, OCTAVIUS MORGAN, JULIUS 'ANNIBAL PICTON andSEYMOUR-KEAY--one followed the other as in a necklet of diamonds gemsucceeds gem, till the wearied eyesight can scarce decide which is the morebrilliant. SEYMOUR-KEAY was, indeed, too much for the SPEAKER, who thricecalled him to order, the last time with stern voice and threatening browthat made SEYMOUR tremble from the altitude of his boot-heels. It was none of these who filled the House with Members listening intentlyto a speech on internal affairs of India, It was Mr. G. Who performed themiracle. No one expected to find him in this galley; being there, the bankswere rapidly crowded with a throng lost in admiration of his strong, swift, graceful stroke. Difficult to say which the most admirable, the loftyheight, far above the littleness of Party conflict, from which he surveyedthe topic, the charm of his language or the dexterity with which, withoutseeming to rebuke the follower who had moved the Amendment and the eminentmen who were prepared to support it, he sustained the Ministry in theireffort to reconstruct the Indian Councils, and suggested that the Amendmentshould with all haste be put into the fire. Whilst SCHWANN appropriated anhour of the Sitting, and SEYMOUR-KEAY exceeded that time, twenty-fiveminutes served Mr. G. For a speech delivered without note, apparentlywithout preparation, and which left nothing more to be said. "Upon my word, Sir, " I said, a little out of breath trying to keep pacewith him running up the Duke of YORK'S steps going home to dinner, "yougrow younger every year, and, if I may say so, mellower. " "You certainly may say so, TOBY, if you like, " he smilingly replied, "butthe calendar says otherwise. " "What, " I asked-- "What has the calendar to do With Mr. G. ? What Time's fruitless tooth With gay immortals such as you, Whose years but emphasise your youth?" "Ah, I know that--with a slight difference. LOWELL wrote it to WENDELHOLMES on his seventy-fifth birthday. I knew HOLMES too; he used to crowover me because he was just four months older, and yet, as he said, whilstI pleaded age as a reason why I could not visit the United States, hecrossed the Atlantic at seventy-seven. Perhaps when I've got this Home-Rulequestion off my hands, I may find time to go to the United States. " "Yes, " I said, "you'll be another year younger then, and more at leisure. " _Business done. _--Indian Council Bill read Second Time. [Illustration: R. Cuninghame Graham. ] _Tuesday. _--Some sensation created at Morning Sitting by discovery ofCUNINGHAME GRAHAM addressing House from Conservative Benches. There was awell-known Member of the Parliament of 1874 who hit upon new device for, ashe reckoned, doubling his chance of catching SPEAKER'S eye. Noted thatSPEAKER called alternately upon Members from either side. If debate wereopened from Opposition Benches, SPEAKER would next turn to other side ofHouse, and call on Ministerialist. Happy thought occurred to our oldfriend. After rising several times from his seat below Gangway onOpposition Benches, and been passed over by SPEAKER in favour of another, he, whilst Member was speaking, crossed floor of House, and, when speechconcluded, jumped up from other side. Being again ignored by the startledSPEAKER, went back to own place again to try his chances there. Don'tremember that the manoeuvre was a success. Certainly not been generallyadopted. GRAHAM seems now to have recurred to it; or can it be the case that he, too, has joined "the Gentlemen of England"? House so agitated by thisproblem, that it quite loses thread of debate; a thrilling discussion, towhich FERGUSSON contributed a luminous speech, upon the Telephone. WILFRID LAWSON much interested in new development of affairs. "The Government, " he says, "if only with the instincts of self-preservation, should hasten the Dissolution. If they go on a little longer, no saying what they may come to, with JOE as their principal champion intown and country, with JOHN REDMOND as their favourite orator; led into theLobby the other day by BURT against the Eight Hours Bill, they only want torecruit CUNINGHAME GRAHAM to their ranks to make the medley complete. Ifthey go on another three months, we shall see them some Sunday followingCUNINGHAME GRAHAM'S red flag as he leads them to Trafalgar Square, there tobe addressed by Alderman JOHN BURNS. " _Business done. _--Got into Committee on Civil Service Estimates. [Illustration: "Crude and wasteful. "] _Thursday. _--Scotch Members made a night of it. Great muster of the Clans. Government have £265, 000 to make over to Scotland in relief of LocalTaxation and promotion of Education. Scotch Members don't object to themoney, but take exception to its plan of distribution. Member after Memberrises from Opposition Benches, biting at hand that proffers the boon. "Crude and wasteful, " BUCHANAN calls this scheme, and Scotch Memberslustily cheer. A capital debate of its kind, but not picturesque; Benches empty, only theLORD-ADVOCATE on the Treasury Bench. "I'll tell you how you can manage these fellows, my dear CASABLANCA, " saidJEMMY LOWTHER, crossing the Gangway, and seating himself for a moment bythe solitary Minister. "Beg your pardon, my name is PEARSON. " "Of course, " said JEMMY, "I know very well; only a quotation; thinking ofthe Boy who stood on the burning deck, whence all but he had fled, doncha. Was going to tell you how you can get out of this trouble. Fellows oppositerighteously indignant at your proposed disposition of money. Very well; youget up, say you're sorry to have offended; had no idea you'd made such amistake; only atonement you can offer is to withdraw the proposed grantaltogether. Then you'll see how they'll sit up. " "Excellent idea, " said LORD-ADVOCATE. "Shall mention it to GOSCHEN when hecomes back--if he ever does, " he added with weary voice, looking down thedeserted Bench. Scotch Members, all unconscious of JEMMY LOWTHER'Smachination, went on talking till midnight, when debate stood adjourned. _Business done. _--None. _Friday. _--In Committee of Supply; SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE thinksopportunity favourable for Prince ARTHUR to tell all he knows aboutDissolution. Prince ARTHUR quite agreeable, but really knows nothing. Radicals look angry at being thus put off; show signs of intention todiscuss the matter. Mr. G. Interposes; makes one of his bland speeches;wouldn't press question now (a suggestion that pleases Ministers);by-and-by time will come, then we shall see; whereat SAGE and his friendsbrighten up; Mr. G. Sits down having pleased everybody; storm blown off. Curious to note the altered condition in atmosphere of House since Mr. G. Came back. Turmoil stopped; restlessness soothed; Ministerial work goes onsmoothly, whilst the GRAND OLD PACIFICATOR looks on benevolently. "Yes, " said PRINCE ARTHUR, uneasily, "this is all very well. He holds backthe curs that would snap at our heels; but it's only because he, a wiliertactician, knows that no practical advantage is to be gained from that kindof sport. Wait till he thinks the hour has struck, and you'll see he'll notonly let slip the dogs of war, but lead the rush himself. " _Business done. _--In Committee of Supply. * * * * * REMBRANDT, TITIEN, VÉLASQUEZ, ET CIE. WHISTLER, SUCCESSEUR. [Illustration] Oh, what a catalogue! Whatever made you think Numbers should mix in a way never seen? 3, that's a flood of milk, 20, a flood of ink, Touching a gruel-like sea, that's 15. Next time, to make a delightful variety, Hang upside down all the works in your show, Whilst, on their heads, the _élite_ of Society, Gasp, "_Fin de Siècle_, quite _chic_, don't you know!" Why play such pranks to draw people who scoff? It is They to whose critical words you are deaf. Though in your country you are not a prophet, is This how you make one, that's spelt with an F? Strange that the only kind critic you mention Is French. He compares you with REMBRANDT & CO. ; His words seem the sole ones that claim your attention: We'll end in his tongue, like the list of your show. _Cher Monsieur_ VISTLAIRE, _allez chez la nation_ _Voisine, et emportez ces oeuvres_ "_splendides_, " "_Destinées à l'éternité des admirations_, " _Ainsi que dit ce critique candide_! * * * * * --> NOTICE. --Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS. , PrintedMatter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case bereturned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.