PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI VOL 104. March 18, 1893. [Illustration: "WELL MATCHED. " _Medico_ (_pathetically, with a view to touching the Dealer's heart_). "NOW, MR. BOBBS, WHAT _DO_ YOU THINK I COULD GET A THOROUGHLY GOOD USEFUL PAIR OF HORSES FOR, EH? PRICE NOT STIFF. " _Mr. Bobbs. _ "LOR' BLESS YOU, SIR, TO FIND HORSES--NOTHIN' EASIER. BUT, AS REGARDS _PRICE_--WELL--YOU CAN HAVE 'EM AT ALL PRICES, JUST AS YOU CAN DOCTORS!"] * * * * * MIXED NOTIONS. No. VII. --PARLIAMENTARY PROCEDURE. (_Scene and Persons as usual. _) _Inquirer_ (_to First Well-Informed Man_). I say, have you ever been inthe House of Commons? _First W. I. M. _ (_shortly_). No, you know I haven't. _Inquirer. _ Oh, I don't mean as a Member. Of course I know you wouldn'tstand the rot of all these Constituents, or whatever they callthemselves. But have you ever been there as a visitor while a debate'sgoing on? _First W. I. M. _ Yes, once--some years ago. But why do you ask? _Inquirer_ (_producing an order of admission_). Well, you see, I got oldJENKINS to give me a ticket for to-night, and I'm hanged if I know howI'm to get there, or when I'm to go, or anything about it. I thought youmight be able to tell me how it's done. _First W. I. M. _ Let's have a look at your ticket. [_Both the_ Well-Informed Men _inspect it with an air of critical sagacity. _ _First W. I. M. _ (_after a prolonged pause_). I don't see where yourdifficulty is. You just present this! at the door. _Inquirer. _ Ah, I daresay!--but what door? That's what I want to know. The place looks as if it had about fifty thousand doors, you know. Andthen I believe, if you make any mistakes, they march you off, intwo-twos, as a dynamiter, or a Socialist, or an agitator, or something. You know old BONKER. Well, he went there once with a black bag, in whichhe'd got some sandwiches and cake, and, just because he wouldn't openit, they made no end of a row, and shoved him in the Clock-tower, orsomething, until he apologised. I don't want any of those games, youknow. _Average Man. _ Don't take a black bag then. They won't want to searchyour pockets. _Inquirer_ (_relieved_). Won't they? That's one comfort, at any rate. Doyou think I ought to go in at the big entrance? _First W. I. M. _ Of course you ought. The others are only for Members. _Inquirer. _ Ah! And I suppose I ought to get there pretty early now thatthey've changed their hours. (_With determination. _) I'll go abouthalf-past eleven. [_A pause. They read papers. _ _Inquirer_ (_suddenly, with intense alarm_). Oh, I say, look here, youchaps. Here's old GLADSTONE gone and suspended the Twelve o'Clock Rule. What does that mean? _Second W. I. M. _ It means that they start everything at twelve o'clockin the day. _First W. I. M. _ No, it doesn't. It means that they don't start anythingtill twelve o'clock at night. _Second W. I. M. _ (_pityingly_). My dear fellow, where have you been allthese years? They _always_ go home on the stroke of midnight now. _First W. I. M. _ That's just where you're wrong. Midnight to two in themorning is just jolly well their best time now. _Second W. I. M. _ I'll bet you half a thick 'un you're wrong! _First W. I. M. _ And I'll bet you half a thick 'un I'm right! [_The argument continues for some minutes in this strain. _ _Inquirer. _ I wonder if they'll have any obstruction. I should like tosee some of that. I believe it's no end amusing. _Second W. I. M. _ Oh, you may trust this Opposition for that. Their onlynotion for employing time is to obstruct everything and everybody. _First W. I. M. _ (_with a deadly calmness_). Ah! you call itobstruction, of course, because you want to rush your iniquitous Billsthrough the House. But you don't think we're going to stand that, doyou?--because we're not, and the Country's with us. Just look atGrimsby. _Second W. I. M. _ All right! Suppose you look at Cirencester. _First W. I. M. _ What do you say to Stockport then? _Second W. I. M. _ And what do _you_ say to Walsham and Hexall, and allthe rest of them? (_At the suggestion of the_ Average Man, _they abandonthis fiery debate. A pause. _) _Inquirer. _ Who's Speaker now? _First W. I. M. _ Sir ROBERT PEEL. _Inquirer. _ Will he be there to-night? _First W. I. M. _ Of course he will. He's got to be there. _Inquirer. _ But then what does the Chairman of Committee do? _First W. I. M. _ Oh, ah, --um, let me see; the Chairman of Committeedoes----(_Brightly. _) He's only appointed, you know, when they want aCommittee about something. _Second W. I. M. _ I fancy he has to read the Bills. _First W. I. M. _ (_gathering assurance as he proceeds_). Not whenthey're read a first time. Somebody else does that--I forget what theycall him. The Chairman reads 'em a second time, and takes 'em up to theHouse of Lords. _Inquirer. _ So he does, of course. I ought to have remembered that. ButI'd got a sort of notion they didn't really read the Bills at all--justchucked 'em into a bag, and called it a Second Reading. _First W. I. M. _ (_condescendingly_). That's how they used to do itabout ten years ago; but they had to alter the whole thing after theygot BRADLAUGH into the House. _Inquirer. _ Why was that? _First W. I. M. _ Well, he wouldn't take an oath, you know; so, afterthat, they altered everything. _Inquirer_ (_with admiration_). By Jove, what a chap you are forrecollecting things! [_Terminus. _ * * * * * QUEER QUERIES. A NEW POLL-TAX. --Would somebody inform me of the easiest way of gettinginto Parliament? I see that Members are soon going to be paid, and thatwould be very useful to me, as my present yearly expenses are £1, 500, and my income barely £150. Had I better try as a "Labour Candidate"? Ifeel that I may claim the title, on account of the labour--twelve hoursat least _per diem_--which I have to expend on getting out of the way ofmy creditors. I presume that, before long, there will be Parliaments allover the place, for England, Wales, and Scotland, as well as forIreland, and I want to get into _all_! At least, I want to get into allwhere the excellent system of payment of Members is adopted, withsalaries "On the higher scale, " as they say in the Courts. It is curiousthat, when I explain to my creditors this most promising source ofprospective income, they don't seem to see it! But creditors always werea purblind race. --WOULD-BE LEGISLATOR. * * * * * THE "WITLER" AND THE "WASSER-MAIDEN. " _A Ballad of Bungdom. _ (_After Hans Breitmann's Ballad of the Mermaid. _) [Illustration] Der noble Witler[A] BUNGO Von Schvillenschviggenop, Rode out mit shpeer und helmet, Und he coom to de panks of de Schlopp, [A] Licensed Victualler. Und oop dere rose a Meer-maid Vot hadn't got nodings on. Und she say, "Oh, Witler BUNGO, Vhere you goes mit yourself alone?" Und he says, "I rides mine high-horse, Mit helmet und mit shpeer, Till I gooms unto mine Gasthaus, [B] Vhere I sells goot wine und peer. " [B] Tavern, or Wine Shop. Und den outspoke de Maiden Vot hadn't got nodings on: "I ton't dink mooch of beoplesh Dat cares for demselfs alone. You'd petter coom down to de Wasser, -- 'Tis de pest trink ash you'll see, -- Und haf a wholesome tinner Mit Schlopp-Vash, along mit me. " "Dere you sees de fisch a-schwimmin! Und dere healthy efery one. " So sang dis Wasser-Maiden, Vot hadn't got nodings on. "Your shtrong tipplesh cost mooch money, Dere ish death in de trinks you've sold; Und you helps yourself, by doonder, To de Vorkmansh hard-earned gold. "Shoost look at doze sodden wretches, Vhite schlafes of de Witler Rings! From dere 'trunks' you vill your pockets, Und you rob dem like efery dings. "Vot _dey_ vantsh mit your schnaps[C] und lager, Vitrioled gin and doctored wine? Smash your pottles, and preak your parrels, Und try dese Schlopps of mine!" [C] Drams, drinks. * * * Vill _dat_ fetch him! He standsh as shpellbound! She vould pool his coat-tails down. She von't draw _him_ oonder der Wasser-- Dat Maiden mit nodings on! * * * * * OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Thank you, Mrs. HUNGERFORD (says the Baron, bowing his very best to thetalented authoress), for one of the cheeriest, freshest, andsweetest--if I may be allowed to use the epithet--of one-volume'dstories I've read for many a day. The three daughters are delightful. Iquestion whether you couldn't have done better with "two only, as aregenerally necessary;" but perhaps this is ungrateful on my part. Anyway, two out of the three lovers are scarcely worth mentioning, so I don'tthink I am far wrong, for the team was a bit unmanageable, well as youhad them in hand. Excellent, too, is the sketch of _Dad_, though that of_Aunt Jane_ is a trifle too grotesque, and will, perforce, remind thoseof your readers, who are theatre-goers, of Mr. PENLEY in petticoats, nowactually playing "_Charley's_" irresistibly comic _Aunt_ at the GlobeTheatre. But it is all good, and not too good to be true. Likewise, mydear Madame, you have given us two life-like sketches, one of acar-driver with his vicious mare, and the other of _Molly's_ little dog. In conclusion, I congratulate you, Mrs. HUNGERFORD, as also thepublisher, Mr. HEINEMANN, on having secured so good a specimen of thematerial for sale in this Hungerford market, says THE BARON DE B. -W. * * * * * HOME, CHEAP HOME! "Thine be a cot beside a hill, " Hums Mrs. HAWEIS in our ear; "Such cots are in the market still, At only thirty pounds a year. "Then, as for furnishing the fold, Another fifty pounds will do it; But mind you stick to what is old, Nor carry modern rubbish to it! "Your chairs must all be Chippendale, Your tables of the native oak, Your sofas"--but of what avail! To further urge this little joke? For in this cot the chairs may be Much chipped, but hardly Chippendale, Unless the lady will agree To costs "upon the _hire_ scale. " * * * * * Said a prim Bachelor, in a nasty temper, after a struggle with an ultra-stiffened clean shirt, "I should like to indict my laundress at the Old Bailey, charge her with murdering my linen, and, as evidence, I'd produce the mangled remains in Court. " * * * * * MRS. R. Has been studying architecture, She says that "all Schoolmasters' Houses ought to be built in the Early Perpendicular Tutor style. " * * * * * [Illustration: "WHERE A FOOTMAN IS KEPT. " "BUT WHY DO YOU WANT TO LEAVE, SARAH? IT'S NOT A HARD PLACE, AND JOHN DOES MOST OF YOUR WORK?" "YES, MA'AM! BUT--A--JOHN HAS NO CONVERSATION?"] * * * * * LIQUID AIR. A learned Professor, the other day, At the Royal Institution, Explained, in a quite scientific way, How, helped by a contribution From the Goldsmiths' Company, he'd prepare Some liquid oxygen--you're aware This is what plain English folks call "air" Unspoilt by smoky pollution. No doubt he meant well, and the Goldsmiths too, In their noble work together; But was it the very best thing to do, In that showery, soaking weather; When drizzle, or downpour, of dogs and cats, From the "liquid air" made us all drowned rats, And ruined our clothes and our best top-hats, And spoilt boots of the stoutest leather? Professors and Companies, if you would Invent some sort of appliance To dry "liquid air, " on which we could Repose implicit reliance, Arranged to diminish this H_{2}O, Which, as every schoolboy ought to know, The Germans call _wasser_, the French call _eau_, We should bless your chemical science. * * * * * CON. FOR CAPITALISTS. _Q. _ Why is it clear the Sparrow is an advocate of Free Competition? _A. _ Because his everlasting cry is, "Cheep-Cheep!" * * * * * "THE GOTHENBURG SYSTEM. "--Mrs. R. Warmly espouses the cause of Temperance. She is very strong on what she has heard is called "The Gotobed System, " in Sweden. * * * * * PILL-DOCTOR HERDAL. (_Translated from the Original Norwegian by Mr. Punch. _) SECOND ACT. DR. HERDAL'S _Drawing-room and Dispensary, as before. It is early in theday. _ Dr. HERDAL _sits by the little table, taking his own temperaturewith a clinical thermometer. By the door stands the_ New Book-keeper;_he wears blue spectacles and a discoloured white tie, and seemsslightly nervous. _ _Dr. Herd. _ Well, now you understand what is necessary. My latebook-keeper, Miss BLAKDRAF, used to keep my accounts very cleverly--shecharged every visit twice over. _The New B. _ I am familiar with book-keeping by double entry. I was onceemployed at a Bank. _Dr. Herd. _ I am discharging my assistant, too; he was always trying topush me out with his pills. Perhaps you will be able to dispense? _The New B. _ (_modestly_). With an additional salary, I should be ableto do that too. _Dr. Herd. _ Capital! You _shall_ dispense with an additional salary. Gointo the Dispensary, and see what you can make of it. You may mistake afew drugs at first--but everything must have a beginning. [_As the_ New B. _retires, _ Mrs. HERDAL _enters in a hat and cloak with a watering-pot, noiselessly. _ _Mrs. Herd. _ Miss WANGEL got up early, before breakfast, and went for awalk. She is so wonderfully vivacious! _Dr. Herd. _ So I should say. But tell me, ALINE, is she _really_ goingto stay with us here? [_Nervously. _ _Mrs. Herd. _ (_looks at him_). So she tells me. And, as she has broughtnothing with her except a tooth-brush and a powder-puff, I am going intothe town to get her a few articles. We _must_ make her feel at home. _Dr. Herd. _ (_breaking out_). I _will_ make her not only _feel_, but_be_ at home, wherever that is, this very day! I will _not_ have aperambulating Allegory without a portmanteau here on an indefinitevisit. I say, she shall go--do you hear, ALINE? Miss WANGEL will go! [_Raps with his fist on table. _ _Mrs. Herd. _ (_quietly_). If you say so, HAUSTUS, no doubt she will_have_ to go. But you must tell her so yourself. [_Puts the watering-pot on the console table, and goes out, as_ HILDA _enters, sparkling with pleasure. _ _Hilda_ (_goes up straight to him_). Good morning, Dr. HERDAL. I havejust seen a pig killed. It was _ripping_--I mean, gloriously thrilling!And your wife has taken a tremendous fancy to me. Fancy _that_! _Dr. Herd. _ (_gloomily_). It _is_ eccentric certainly. But my poor dearwife was always a little---- _Hilda_ (_nods her head slowly several times_). So _you_ have noticedthat too? I have had a long talk with her. She can't get over yourdischarging Mr. KALOMEL--he is the only man who ever _really_ understoodher. _Dr. Herd. _ If I could only pay her off a little bit of the huge, immeasurable debt I owe her--but I can't! _Hilda_ (_looks hard at him_). Can't _I_ help you? I helped RAGNARBROVIK. Didn't you know I stayed with him and poor little KAIA--afterthat accident to my Master Builder? I did. I made RAGNAR build me theloveliest castle in the air--lovelier, even, than poor Mr. SOLNESS'Swould have been--and we stood together on the very top. The steps wererather too much for KAIA. Besides, there was no room for her on top. Andhe put towering spires on all his semi-detached villas. Only, somehow, they didn't let. Then the castle in the air tumbled down, and RAGNARwent into liquidation, and I continued my walking-tour. [Illustration: "Beautiful rainbow-coloured powders that will give one a real grip on the world!"] _Dr. Herd. _ (_interested against his will_). And where did you go after_that_, may I ask, Miss WANGEL? _Hilda. _ Oh, ever so far North. There I met Mr. And Mrs. TESMAN--thesecond Mrs. TESMAN--she who was Mrs. ELVSTED, with the irritating hair, you know. They were on their honeymoon, and had just decided that it wasimpossible to reconstruct poor Mr. LÖVBORG'S great book out of Mrs. ELVSTED'S rough notes. But I insisted on GEORGE'S attempting theimpossible--with Me. And what _do_ you think Mrs. TESMAN wears in herhair _now_? _Dr. Herd. _ Why, really I could not say. Vine-leaves, perhaps. _Hilda. _ Wrong--_straws!_ Poor TESMAN _didn't_ fancy that--so he shothimself, _un_-beautifully, through his ticket-pocket. And I went on andtook Rosmersholm for the Summer. There had been misfortune in the house, so it was to let. Dear good old Rector KROLL acted as my reference; hiswife and children had no sympathy with his views, so I used to see himevery day. And I persuaded him, too, to attempt the impossible--he hadnever ridden anything but a rocking-horse in his life, but I made himpromise to mount the White Horse of the Rosmersholms. He didn't get over_that_. They found his body, a fortnight afterwards, in the mill-dam. Thrilling! _Dr. Herd. _ (_shakes his finger at her_). What a girl you are, MissWANGEL! But you mustn't play these games _here_, you know. _Hilda_ (_laughs to herself_). Of course not. But I suppose I _am_ astrange sort of bird. _Dr. Herd. _ You are like a strong tonic. When I look at you I seem to beregarding an effervescing saline draught. Still, I really must declineto take you. _Hilda_ (_a little sulky_). That is not how you spoke ten years ago, upat the mountain station, when you were such a flirt! _Dr. Herd. _ _Was_ I a flirt? Deuce take me if I remember. But I am notlike that _now_. _Hilda. _ Then you have really forgotten how you sat next to me at the_table d'hôte_, and made pills and swallowed them, and were so splendidand buoyant and free that all the old women who knitted left next day? _Dr. Herd. _ What a memory you have for trifles, Miss WANGEL, it's quitewonderful! _Hilda. _ Trifles! There was no trifling on _your_ part. When youpromised to come back in ten years, like a troll, and fetch me! _Dr. Herd. _ Did I say all that? It _must_ have been _after tabled'hôte_! _Hilda. _ It was. I was a mere chit then--only twenty-three; but Iremember. And now _I_ have come for _you_. _Dr. Herd. _ Dear, dear! But there is nothing of the troll about me now Ihave married Mrs. SOLNESS. _Hilda_ (_looking sharply at him_). Yes, I remember you were alwaysdropping in to tea in those days. _Dr. Herd. _ (_seems hurt_). Every visit was duly put down in the ledgerand charged for--as poor little SENNA will tell you. _Hilda. _ Little SENNA? Oh, Dr. HERDAL, I believe there is a bit of thetroll left in you still! _Dr. Herd. _ (_laughs a little_). No, no; my conscience is perfectlyrobust--always was. _Hilda. _ Are you quite _quite_ sure that, when you went indoors withdear Mrs. SOLNESS that afternoon, and left me alone with my MasterBuilder, you did not foresee--perhaps wish--intend, even a little, that----H'm? _Dr. Herd. _ That you would talk the poor man into clambering up thattower? You want to drag _Me_ into that business now! _Hilda_ (_teasingly_). Yes, I certainly think that then you went onexactly like a troll. _Dr. Herd. _ (_with uncontrollable emotion_). HILDA, there is not acorner of me safe from you! Yes, I see now that _must_ have been the wayof it. Then I _was_ a troll in that, too! But isn't it terrible theprice I have had to pay for it? To have a wife who----. No, I shallnever roll a pill again--never, never! _Hilda_ (_lays her head on the stove, and answers as if half asleep_). No more pills? Poor Doctor HERDAL! _Dr. Herd. _ (_bitterly_). No--nothing but cosy commonplace grey powdersfor a whole troop of children. _Hilda_ (_lively again_). Not _grey_ powders! (_Quite seriously. _) I willtell you what you shall make next. Beautiful rainbow-coloured powdersthat will give one a real grip on the world. Powders to make everyonefree and buoyant, and ready to grasp at one's own happiness, to _dare_what one _would_. I will have you make them. I will--I _will!_ _Dr. Herd. _ H'm! I am not quite sure that I clearly understand. And thenthe ingredients--? _Hilda. _ What stupid people all of you pill-doctors are, to be sure!Why, they will be _poisons_, of course! _Dr. Herd. _ Poisons? Why in the world should they be _that_? _Hilda_ (_without answering him_). All the thrillingest, deadliestpoisons--it is only such things that are wholesome, nowadays. _Dr. Herd. _ (_as if caught by her enthusiasm_). And I could colour them, too, by exposing them to rays cast through a prism. Oh, HILDA, how Ihave needed you all these years! For, you see, with _her_ it wasimpossible to discuss such things. [_Embraces her. _ _Mrs. Herd. _ (_enters noiselessly through hall-door_). I suppose, HAUSTUS, you are persuading Miss WANGEL to start by the afternoonsteamer? I have bought her a pair of curling-tongs, and a packet ofhair-pins. The larger parcels are coming on presently. _Dr. Herd. _ (_uneasily_). H'm! HILDA--Miss WANGEL I _should_ say--iskindly going to stay on a little longer, to assist me in some scientificexperiments. You wouldn't understand them if I told you. _Mrs. Herd. _ Shouldn't I, HAUSTUS? I daresay not. [_The_ New Book-keeper _looks through the glass-door of Dispensary. _ _Hilda_ (_starts violently and points--then in a whisper_). Who is_that_? _Dr. Herd. _ Only the New Book-keeper and Assistant--a very intelligentperson. _Hilda_ (_looks straight in front of her with a far-away expression, andwhispers to herself_). I thought at first it was. . . . But no--_that_would be _too_ frightfully thrilling! _Dr. Herd. _ (_to himself_). I'm turning into a regular old trollnow--but I can't help myself. After all, I am only an elderly Norwegian. We are _made_ like that. . . . Rainbow powders--_real_ rainbow powders!With HILDA. . . . Oh, to have the joy of life once more! [_Takes his temperature again as Curtain falls. _ * * * * * PROFESSOR WHITEWASH'S GUIDE TO HISTORY. _Question. _ Who was WILLIAM the Conqueror? _Answer. _ The ManagingDirector of an Exploration Company composed of the most respectableshareholders. _Q. _ WILLIAM RUFUS, HENRY THE FIRST and RICHARD THE FIRST? _A. _ RUFUS, a worthy son of a worthy father; HENRY, a scholar, whostrongly objected to over-cramming; and RICHARD, a mild-mannered man, who modestly shrank from canonisation. _Q. _ And what do you know about King JOHN? _A. _ That he gave to a grateful country the Magna Charta. _Q. _ And all the intermediate monarchs' being equally good, what haveyou to say about King HENRY THE EIGHTH? _A. _ He was a model monarch, and worthy to be the father of MARY andELIZABETH. _Q. _ How about the Royal ladies you have last mentioned? _A. _ The first had as large a mind as the other a heart. _Q. _ What do you think of the STUART Family? _A. _ It was famed for its fidelity, trustfulness, and gratitude. _Q. _ Were WILLIAM and MARY, and ANNE, pleasant Monarchs? _A. _ Most pleasant. As witty as they were beautiful. _Q. _ And how about the GEORGES? _A. _ All that could be desired--and more. Indeed, all our monarchs havebeen of the most exemplary character, against whom the mostscandal-loving would utter no word of complaint. [Illustration: The Professor. ] * * * * * THE ENGLISH-FRENCH EMBASSADORE AT THE MANSHUN HOUSE. [Illustration] WELL, we've bin a going on much as usual at our grand old Manshun Houseunder our trewly liberal LORD MARE, but I ain't had nothink werry new totell about, till a few nites ago, when we had what I can truthfully calla reel staggerer, and no mistake. It seems as it's allers the custon, when a Embassadore, who has made hisself werry poplar, is gitting jest aleetle tired of us, and begins to si for Ome sweet Ome, for theprincipalest Gent in London to give him sitch a grand Bankwet as heain't never seen afore, and ain't never likely for to see again. So theLORD MARE, hearing as the French Embassadore was in that werry dellicatesitiwation, arsked about three hundred of the most heminent Gents in allLondon to come to the Manshun House to meet him, and they all came, asin course they wood do, and that was one of the werry grandest Bankwetsas regards silly brated Gests as ewen I ewer had the honner of waitingon. And now for the staggerers! Just to begin with, why the FrenchEmbassadore is no more a Frenchman than I am! for his name it'sWODDINGTON, and so was his Father's before him, and strange to say, thanks, I spose, to the splendid dinner, _et setterer_, as was guv him, he acshally told us as he rowed in the Winning Boat at the UniwersityBoat-race at Putney, ewer so many years ago! Werry like a Frenchman, suttenly, or, as I should prefer saying, werry like a Whale! Of courseall the Gents present, being reel Gents, looked quite as if theybeleeved it all; but, when he afterwards went on to say that his GrateGrandfather took his most religious and grayshus Majesty, KING CHARLESTHE SECOND, right up into the Hoak Tree, and so saved his preshus life, I saw sum two or three of the werry hiest on 'em trying in wain to lookquite serious, as if they bleeved it all; and one werry smart youngfeller near me said to his friend, "Why not call it the Hoax Tree"? Ididn't kno quite what he meant, but they both had a quiet larf over it. [Illustration: "Robaire" à la mode de Parry. ] He gave us a few more staggerers, but not quite equal to the KingCharles one, and of course we coud all make allowances for him, as itwas his last chance in such a party as that was. But he made up for itall before he left, by speaking of the Grand Old Copperation as one ofthe werry noblest bodys in the world, and as having made its mark in thehistory of this great Country, and how artily he hoped it would continueand flurrish for ever! I don't suppose as there was any countycounsellers among so distingwisht a Body, or I should like to know whatthey thort of the Embassadore's opinion of us! An I'm thinkin of wizitinParry myself and cummin out strong. And wy not? They tell me it willmake me kwite young again, for I shall go over there a helderly henglishwaiter and reappear in Parry as a "garsong" which is french for "a youngman. " ROBERT. * * * * * BRIGHTON BOORS. [MR. GLADSTONE was mobbed by an immense crowd on Sunday, the 5th. ] O Brighton, it isn't a thing to be proud of That people, the fat uns as well as the bony uns, Should squeeze an old Gentleman, crushed in a crowd of Brightonians. All watering-places you claim to be Queen of, As proud as the Tyrians or the Sidonians? Your manners don't match; such behaviour seems green of Brightonians. You scare away visitors, who are affrighted By folks rude as Goths, Huns, or wild Caledonians. Such staring shows that in two ways you're short-sighted Brightonians. * * * * * OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. --CHATTO AND WINDUS have published, in handy form, cloth bound, and handsomely printed, an edition of JUSTIN MCCARTHY'Snovels. There are, ten in all, going at half-a-crown a-piece, and wellworth the money. The literary style is excellent--not a matter of coursein the writing of novels--the tone wholesome, whilst on every pagegleams the light of genuine, if gentle humour. In looking through thepages of this charming little library, my Baronite is inclined to regretthat Mr. MCCARTHY should, to some extent, have given up to Politics whatwas meant for Literature. B. DE B. -W. * * * * * [Illustration: AN EFFECT OF SHYNESS. _Proud Mamma. _ "WHICH DO YOU THINK EFFY'S MOST LIKE, MR. JINKS?--HER FATHER, OR ME?" _Mr. Jinks. _ "OH--A--I SHOULD SAY SHE'S A PLAIN LIKENESS OF HER FATHER----I MEAN--A--HANDSOME LIKENESS OF HER MOTHER--A--I MEAN--A--A----" [_Stammers hopelessly, upsets his Tea, and wishes himself unborn. _] * * * * * THE ASSAULT!! _Beleaguers babble around the Battering-Ram:--_ _Balfourius_ (_musingly_). "Heroes tall Dislodging pinnacle and parapet Upon the tortoise creeping to the wall. " _Chamberlainus_ (_sardonically_). Heroes tall, indeed! Have thedistressed defenders of this untenable Citadel any such? GLADSTONIUS isa sort of hero, perhaps, but hardly tall; HARCOURTIUS is tall indeed, but no hero. Aha! _Saundersonius_ (_sharply_). Yes; and we have had too much of that"tortoise-creeping" business. Sharp's the word now, I hope. BALFOURIUS'SBattering-Ram--though the murderous ruffians--I mean excitedpoliticians--_did_ denounce it, is better than all your tortoises! _Balfourius_ (_completing his quotation_). "Lances in ambush set. " _Saundersonius. _ Oh yes, they're all very well--in their way. A Schoolof Strategy for our "young bloods, " with secret _séances_, and--ahem!--_Fagin_-like rehearsals, is not a bad notion. But on thewhole I agree with _Moloch_:-- "My sentence is for open war: of wiles, More inexpert, I boast not: there let those Contrive who need, or when they need, not now. For while they sit contriving, shall the rest, Millions that stand in arms, and longing wait The signal to arise, sit lingering here, Prisoners of his tyranny who reigns By our delay? No, let us rather choose, Arm'd with hell-flames and fury all at once, O'er these high towers to force resistless way, Turning Obstruction into horrid arms Against the Obstructor; when to meet the noise Of his 'iniquitous' engine, he shall hear Ulsterian thunder; and for lightning set Green fire and rockets shot with equal rage Among his 'items;' and his seat itself Shake with Tartarean tactics, 'dirty tricks, ' His own invented dodges. " _Grandolphus_ (_tugging at Balfourius's tunic-tails_). Ha! ha! ha! Wellquoted, my Orange-plumed Hyperborean hero! (_Aside: I must read up thebards a bit. Didn't know they were so practically pertinent. How handythat_ "_senesque_" _bit came in the other day!_) _Balfourius_ (_fidgeting_). I say, GRANDOLPHUS, if you'd tug at the rope, instead of my tails, I fancy you'd tire me less, and have more effect onthe Ram. _Grandolphus_ (_cheerily_). Ah, my old friend, I assure you I intend tostick to _you_ "loyally and unhesitatingly. " _Balfourius_ (_drily_). Oh--_thanks!!!_ _Chamberlainus. _ Never _were_ such a United lot as we are: (_Sings sotto voce. _) _For I love dear_ B. _as a brother, I do, _ _And dear_ B. _he worships me;_ _But we'll both be blowed if we'll either be stowed_ _In the other chap's hold, you see!_ _Balfourius. _ What's that you say? _Chamberlainus. _ Oh, merely humming "Birds in their little nests agree. " _Balfourius. _ Ah, as the Chief says, there'll be plenty of opportunityfor personal sacrifice and pulling together before we're through withthis siege. To work this Battering-Ram with effect, unanimity andsimultaneity of effort are especially essential. _Saundersonius. _ Quite so! So bear a hand--_at the rope_, GRANDOLPHUS, if you please. Now then, boys--_all together!!!_ BANG!!!!!! _Grand Old Voice_ (_from within_). "When they _do_ agree, theirunanimity is wonderful. " Wonder if that gate will stand the shock! Mustdisable that Rampant Ram of theirs--somehow. [_Left keeping his eye on 'em. _ * * * * * SUFFICIENTLY ANTIQUE. --Said TOMKINS, "I won't say my ancestors were in this Country before the Flood, _but_ they came in with the High Tide. " * * * * * [Illustration: THE ASSAULT!!] * * * * * [Illustration: TRIALS OF A CONVALESCENT. _Tompkins_ (_in a feeble voice, for the fourth or fifth time, with no result_). "CHAIRMAN!!! CHAIRMAN!!!" _That Awful Boy. _ "LYDIES AND GENTLEMEN----!!"] * * * * * A FYTTE OF THE BLUES. BY AN OLD "CROCK. " (_After reading the rattling verses of_ "Tis, " _entitled "Good Luck!" in the "Granta. "_) Good old _Granta_! They set the blood glowing, Your verse-grinder's galloping lines, There seems rare inspiration in Rowing! The Muse, who politely declines To patronise pessimist twitters, Has smiled on these stanzas, which smack Of health, honest zeal, foaming "bitters, " And vigour of brain and of back. Good luck to the Light Blues! That burden Befits rattling rhymes from the Cam, Their "movement" might rouse a Dame DURDEN, Or fire a cold victim of cram. Why it stirs up "old Crocks" to peruse 'em-- Slashing lines on "a slashing octette"-- They feel, though 'tis hard to "enthuse" 'em, There _must_ be some life in 'em yet. Old Crocks! Oh, exuberant younkers! You "guy" "the old gang" as "played out, " As fogies, and fussers, and funkers, You've over-much reason, no doubt. But, great Scott! as your rowing-rhymes rattle And lilt lyric praise of the Crews, We too sniff the air of the battle! We too have a Fit of the Blues. It's oh! just to "swing behind LEWIS, " A "youngster as strong as an ox"! Or be one who true Boss of the Crew is, -- Your "pet Palinurus"--the Cox! To feel all the blood in one glowing, And--heedless of love, toil, and "tin"-- Know naught in creation save--Rowing. Deems nothing worth much save--a WIN! Five minutes, my boys, of such feeling, When rivals look beaten and blown, When the nose of your ship is just stealing Ahead, when your muscles have grown To thews, that--_pro tem. _--are Titanic, Are worth a whole year of _our_ lives, Whose waistbands are--well, Aldermanic, Who've wrinkles, and worries, and wives! Well, here's to the two tints of azure, The Dark Blue as well as the Light! At least there's one thing we can say sure, -- There'll be no blue funk in their fight. And here's to the Bard of the _Granta_, Who sings without "side, " "sniff, " or "shop. " May he live (if he wish it), to plant a Big bay on Parnassus's top! * * * * * TIM O'HOWLIGAN'S LAMENT. AIR--"_Arrah! darlints, we can't do without ye!"_ AH! shure boys, the world has gone crazy, And there's plinty of throuble in shtore, Ivery mornin' I wake up onaisy Bekase I can't shleep any more. 'Twas CROMWELL, bad scran to 'im, done it, Him that murdhered King CHARLES, ochone! And since the black villin begun it Ould Erin's done nothing but groan, And moan, It would soften the heart of a shtone. By the poker, I'm boilin' with passion Whin I think of the laws that they make; At a fair the bhoys heads ye can't smash in, Nor get dacently dhrunk at a wake. There's only twelve pince in a shillin', And not more than two pints in a quart, Onless you are cliver at fillin', And can make it hould more than it ought. Don't be caught, Or, be jabers, they'll make you pay for't. Where's the kings and the princes of Erin That lived on purtaties and point, And niver saw year out and year in The divil a taste of a joint? Thim toirants now buy all our bacon, And the linen, and butther, and that, All that grows in the counthry is taken From Antrim to Mullinavat. Poor Pat Has to sell at a profut, that's flat. Well, honies, I'll give ye a hint, And let ivery one do it who can; When the bag of thirteens is all spint, Set up for a Parliament man. Thim's the boys that gets lashins of drinkin', And they dine wanst a week wid the Queen, Where the glasses are niver done clinkin', Wid the Royalties jokin' and spreein', Jubileein', And such doins as niver was seen. * * * * * A COMPLAINT AND SIMPLE REMEDY. -- Among the Requests in our ecclesiastical contemporary, _The Guardian_, recently appeared one asking for an effectual way of "_exterminating dry rot, and preventing its re-appearance in a church_. " Why doesn't the reverend inquirer try somebody else's Sermons? Or have no Sermons at all? * * * * * NOTHING more delights our old friend than to get hold of a real good word, and use it with effect. "I wish I knew what is going to win the Derby this year, " observed her Niece. "Ah, my dear, " replied her Aunt, "I might be able to tell you if I were a Vaccinator. " * * * * * BEST DAY IN THE WEEK FOR MAKING A PROPOSAL OF MARRIAGE. --In London, Monday is the most appropriate, as being dedicated to the "Monday Pops. " * * * * * [Illustration: _Mr. Moriarty. _ "LOOK HERE, ADA, HOW MUCH LONGER, FOR GOODNESS' SAKE, ARE YE GOIN' TO BE DRESSIN' YOURSELF?" _Voice from the Heights. _ "ONLY TEN MINUTES, DEAR!" _Mr. Moriarty. _ "WELL, ALL I CAN SAY IS, IF I'VE GOT TO WAIT HERE TEN MINUTES, I'LL--I'LL BE OFF THIS BLESSED MOMENT!"] * * * * * [Illustration: "SCENES IN THE LOBBY. " DESIGN FOR OUR OWN HISTORICAL PAINTER. ] * * * * * ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M. P. _House of Commons, Monday, March 6. _--"The SPEAKER took the Chair atthree o'clock. " That is an extract from the _Journals of the House_, afascinating literary work, ably edited by Mr. PALGRAVE with theassistance of Mr. MILMAN, much in favour at MUDIE'S. Last time I sawSPEAKER rise from Chair was Banquet at Mansion House given by way offarewell to M. WADDINGTON. Very remarkable scene it was. In ordinarytimes SPEAKER of House of Commons is personally unknown to outsidepublic. He takes no part in debate; never goes on Midlothian Campaigns;belongs to no faction; has no political following; and should have noenemy. British public, regarding with close attention the fascinatingarena at Westminster, have evidently formed clear opinion of its presentPresident. When list of guests whom LORD MAYOR delighted to honour readout by Toastmaster, name of SPEAKER received with enthusiastic andprolonged applause. House of Commons men present, of whom there waslarge muster, evidently taken by surprise. They know the SPEAKER, because they daily live with him. How outside public should have beenseized with such keen appreciation of his worth was more than they wereprepared for. This may have been, probably was, to some extent a _succès d'estime_. Mr. PEEL'S speech was genuine triumph; very brief, the shortest of theseries, but incomparably the best; lofty in tone, perfect in delivery, saying just the right thing at the right moment in the right way. Itseffect at Mansion House something like that which electrified House whenMr. PEEL, standing on steps of Chair, faced it for first time as itsSPEAKER, revealing, even to those who had known him long, the fulldepths of his nature and the towering height of his capacity. "_Mon Dieu_, TOBEE, " said an eminent Frenchman, "the world in bothhemispheres has always envied you the possession of your House ofCommons. Now we know you have a Speaker worthy of its best traditions. " Banquet a great success; certainly the most brilliant galaxy of guestsdrawn together in same place since Mr. PHELPS, the American Minister, said farewell in memorable speech. Much struck with completeness ofarrangements. Even the waiters imbued with consciousness of greatoccasion. "Hope you enjide your dinner, Sir?" said one to me, when dessert placedon table. "Excellent, " I said; "perhaps the whitebait done a little too much;showed tendency to present itself in fragments; but 'twas nothing. " "Yessir, " said the Waiter, diligently brushing off imaginary crumbs. "I'm going now, Sir. " "Ah, " I said; "then I suppose you don't wait to hear the speeches; flowof reason, you know, quite a treat. " "Yessir, " said he, still pegging away at the spotless table-cloth. "CanI get you anything more, Sir?" "No, thank you, " I said, quite touched at the man's considerateattention, the more marked since, as far as I recognised him, I had notseen him before. "I've done excellently. " "Yessir. I'm going now. " Hardly seemed able to part. Not sure whether, in circumstances of international amity, I shouldn't have shaken handswith him. Made half advance in that direction. He quickly advanced hishand, but after glance at my extended palm, as rapidly withdrew it. Perhaps he was right. Not usual to shake hands with Waiter, thoughreally, on occasion like this, one might disregard conventionalities. Waiter lingeringly withdrew, still keeping his eye on me, as ifexpecting me to call him back. Nodded a friendly farewell, and pensivelypeeled an orange, thinking how one touch of nature makes us kin. Thisgood Waiter and I quite subdued by the graceful, generous thought ofLord Mayor KNILL, who has added one more link to the chain that binds inamity two nations that have fought all the way from Cressy to Waterloo. _Business done. _--Got into Committee on Navy Estimates. In the Lobbysort of rehearsal of new Battle of Boyne. The other night SAUNDERSONsaid something disrespectful of Irish Members. WILLIE REDMOND, from hisproud position among nobility and gentry above Gangway, called out, "Youwouldn't say that in the Lobby. " "Say it anywhere, " responded theColonel, ever ready to oblige. Next day wrote letter to REDMOND, incidentally mentioning that if hewanted to hear the words over again, should meet him in Lobby to-nightafter questions. Nothing nearer REDMOND'S heart's desire. At fiveo'clock Colonel, accompanied by another military gentleman, carrying hiscloak, a pair of pistols, a stiletto, a bottle of _eau de Cologne_, asponge, and a clothes-brush, sternly strode into Lobby. Carefullycounted paces till he was standing as nearly as possible on centre tile;folded arms, and wished that Night or REDMOND would come. ColonelWARING, with military accoutrements and cloak; stood a pace and a halfto the left rear. Presently entered REDMOND, accompanied by J. J. O'KELLY, also carrying cloak. Secreted in folds were shillelagh, bottleof whiskey, pair of spurs, a toothpick, and a freshly-mintedcrown-piece. This last, at suitable moment, to be flung across Lobby;(friend secretly told off to be on alert to pick it up. ) Action to beexplained as typical of throwing King's Crown into the Boyne. Theprincipals approaching, REDMOND, after manner of schoolboys, who edge upto each other, each hoping the other doesn't want to fight, askedColonel to "say it again. " "Certainly; but say what?" Here difficultybegan, which spoiled whole business. REDMOND insisted upon being calleda murderer. SAUNDERSON punctilious on minor points, wouldn't go quite sofar in his desire to oblige. Angry altercation followed; Members, tonumber of something like hundred, formed ring. REDMOND, with rightshoulder aggressively hoisted, spoke over it at the Colonel. Colonelstood erect, with hands loosely hanging by his side, ready foremergencies. Crowd grew thicker and more excited. "Expected every momentwould be our next, " as CLANCY breathlessly put it. But in the end stormblew itself out. Nothing happened, and crowd disappointedly dispersed. Ulster will fight, But----_not to-night. _ _Thursday. _--Opposition mustered to-day in high spirits; meeting atCarlton yesterday addressed by MARKISS and Prince ARTHUR; GRANDOLPH, looking in, took back seat in his customary retiring fashion. Meetinginsisted on his coming to the front; made spirited speech; scarcely adry eye in the Club when, looking shyly across at Prince ARTHUR, healluded to him as his "old political friend, " his "brilliant andesteemed Parliamentary Leader. " "I think, " said the MARKISS, as meeting dispersed, "this will drive nailin coffin of Home-Rule Bill, and make things pretty hot for Mr. G. AsHART DYKE epigrammatically puts it, 'We Unionists, above all others, should be united. '" This, as I mentioned, happened yesterday. This afternoon Oppositionmustered in anticipation of aggressive action by Mr. G. Had given noticeto move suspension of Twelve o'Clock Rule, in order to make progresswith Estimates. "Not if we know it, " said Right Hon. JAMES LOWTHER, commonly called"JEMMIE. " Mr. G. , previous to moving Resolution, explained there was no intentionof sitting late; Suspension Standing Order was matter of precautiondesigned to prevent arbitrary carrying over of Amendments whenadequately discussed. Prince ARTHUR'S keen eye discerned that this mightbe so construed as to convey no advantage to Government. When twelveo'clock came Debate might be diverged on to lines of wrangle roundQuestion of Adjournment, and so House up and nothing done. On thisunderstanding he declared he would not resist Motion of Leader of House. Then JEMMIE, rushing to the front, made the running. Did Mr. G. Intend, in any case, to take Second Reading of Home-Rule Bill on Thursday next?Mr. G. Nodded assent. "Very well, then I'll divide against you, " JEMMIEroared across the pained figure of his esteemed Leader. Not to be movedby blandishment or argument from this position. Prince ARTHUR, seeingmatters hopeless, haughtily strode forth, GRANDOLPH loyally accompanyinghim. But more than half his old colleagues stayed behind with JEMMIELOWTHER who got Opposition soundly beaten by majority of 85. "There's only one thing we want to run our majority over 100, " saidSQUIRE OF MALWOOD, smiling beneficently from Treasury Bench. "Anothermeeting of the Party at the Carlton Club will do it. " "What did you mean by to-night's performance?" I asked JEMMIE, later. "Mean? I meant business. I'm a little tired of lurking in backgroundseeing men come to front who haven't half my ability, political acumen, or Parliamentary knowledge. I intend to have a Party of my own. Therehas been a Fourth Party, and before that there was a Tea-room Party, anda Cave of Adullam. I shall eclipse them all. " "And under what name do you think history will know your faction?" Iasked, much interested. The Right Hon. Took up a piece of paper, and on it wrote the words, "LOWTHER'S ARCADE. " _Business done. _--WOLMER'S Amendment on the Navy Estimates negatived. _Friday. _--Prince ARTHUR, and Statesman to whom AUSTEN CHAMBERLAINdistantly alludes as "My Right Hon. Friend, " sit separated by width ofHouse. But, in assaults on Government, they are not divided. Idlestories about differences of opinion arising between them quiteunnecessarily denied. "I never look at them, " said TREVELYAN, "without recalling to mind apassage in what is, I think, my favourite among DICKENS'S novels. Youremember the scene in _Great Expectations_, where _Joe Gargery_ visits_Pip_, in his day of prosperity, in London? 'Ever best of friends, ' saysJOE (CHAMBERLAIN). 'Dear JOE, ' says Prince ARTHUR. 'You know, PIP, ' saysJOE, 'as you and me were ever friends, and it were looked forrerd tobetwixt us as bein' calc'lated to lead to larks. '" The expectation not lacking of past fulfilment; full of promise in daysnear at hand. _Business done. _--Sat from two to seven discussing whether we shall sitto-morrow in order to make progress with public business. Finallydecided we shall. Meanwhile, morning sitting slipped away. [Illustration: "GREAT EXPECTATIONS. " ["As persistent attempts are being made to show that Mr. BALFOUR and Mr. CHAMBERLAIN are at variance respecting the tactics which should be adopted by the Unionist Party in Opposition, we may state that more thorough accord never existed than at the present moment. "--_The Times, March 8, 1893. _] _Gargery Chamberlain. _ "You know, PIP, as you and me were ever the best of Friends!" _Balfour Pip. _ "Dear JO!"] * * * * * VINO ITALIANO CON TEMPERANZA. --Signor VITALI, of theItalian-Wine-in-England Mission, writes to us to say that Sir WILFRIDLAWSON might temper his favourite beverage of _Aqua Pura_ with half agallon flask of _Vinum Purum Italianum_, such as Chianti, and he wouldbe none the worse for it. We are inclined to agree with the SignorVITALI, as, in our opinion, there is small likelihood of any Italianwine-drinker "getting any forrader. " Of course Signor VITALI, beingsomewhat interested in the matter, and therefore, most hopeful that hisenterprise will result in orders for any number of flasks, and not endin an empty _fiasco_, would not fail to point out that Italian wine islikely to have a prolonged existence in this country, as it is notlacking in Vitali-ty. * * * * * TONE AND TINT. --(By a Wearer of the Green. ) YOUR Orangeman swears--he's a terrible fellow!-- They shan't set the Green o'er his favourite Yellow. His shout's "No surrender!" And is he so Green As to think we'll turn Yellow because of his spleen? No, no! He may vow in his last ditch he'll die, But--we're not to be scared by a _Hue_ and a _Cry_!