POTASH AND PERLMUTTER SETTLE THINGS

BOOKS BYMONTAGUE GLASS

POTASH AND PERLMUTTER SETTLE THINGSWORRYING WON'T WIN

HARPER & BROTHERS NEW YORK[ESTABLISHED 1817]

[Illustration: "he gives himself dead away by getting sore. "]

POTASH AND PERLMUTTER SETTLE THINGS

_by_

MONTAGUE GLASS

_Author of "Worrying Won't Win"_

Harper & Brothers PublishersNew York and London

POTASH AND PERLMUTTER SETTLE THINGS

Copyright, 1919, by Harper & BrothersPrinted in the United States of AmericaPublished September, 1919

CONTENTS

CHAP. PAGE

I. THEY ARRIVE, AND SO DOES THE PRESIDENT 1

II. SETTLING THE PRELIMINARIES 15

III. THE PRESIDENT'S VISIT TO ENGLAND 24

IV. EVERYTHING IS PROCEEDING SATISFACTORILY--MAYBE 33

V. THIS HERE PEACE CONFERENCE--IT NEEDS PUBLICITY 42

VI. JOINING THE LEGION OF HONOR 52

VII. SOME CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENTS FOR THE KAISER 62

VIII. IT ENTERS ON ITS NO-GOLD-CASKET PHASE 72

IX. WORRYING SHOULD BEGIN AT HOME, AIN'T IT? 82

X. THE NEW HUNGARIAN RHAPSODY 92

XI. IT IS STILL UP IN THE AIR, BUT YOU CAN'T SAY THE SAME FOR TRANSATLANTIC VOYAGES 102

XII. THIS HERE VICTORY LIBERTY LOAN 112

XIII. WHEN IS A SECRET TREATY SECRET? 122

XIV. THE FIRST DAY OF MAY 132

XV. THE PEACE TREATY AS GOOD READING 142

XVI. THE GERMAN ROMAN HOLIDAY AND THE AMERICANIZATION OF AMERICANS 152

XVII. MR. WILSON'S FAVOR OF THE 20TH ULTO. AND CONTENTS NOTED 162

XVIII. BEING UP IN THE AIR, AS APPLIED TO TRANSATLANTIC FLIGHTS, CROWN JEWELS, AND LEAGUE OF NATIONS SPEECHES 172

XIX. THE LEAK AND OTHER MYSTERIES 182

XX. JULY THE FIRST AND AFTER 192

XXI. WHAT THE PUBLIC WANTS, ECONOMICALLY AND THEATRICALLY 202

XXII. THEY DISCUSS THE SIGNING OF IT 212

XXIII. THE RECENT UNPLEASANTNESS IN TOLEDO, OHIO 222

XXIV. FEEDING THE PEACE CONFERENCERS AND THE HOUSEHOLD 232

XXV. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? THIS INCLUDES LIBELED MILLIONAIRES, ENFORCED PROHIBITION, AND 241 SHANTUNG

XXVI. THE APPROACHING ROYAL VISIT 251

ILLUSTRATIONS

"HE GIVES HIMSELF DEAD AWAY BY GETTING SORE" _Frontispiece_

"I WOULDN'T BLAME CHAIRMAN CLEMENCEAU NEITHER, BECAUSE IF THIS HERE PEACE CONFERENCE IS GOING TO END THIS SIDE OF NINETEEN-FIFTY, IT'S GOT TO BE SPEEDED UP SOME" _Facing p. _ 44

"A WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE IS SO BADLY PREDICTED TO THE LAPEL-BUTTON HABIT THEY WOULD JOIN ANYTHING" " 52

". .. WHICH WHEN YOU CONSIDER THAT MR. WILSON STARTED IN--IN A SMALL WAY" " 144

POTASH AND PERLMUTTER SETTLE THINGS

I

THEY ARRIVE, AND SO DOES THE PRESIDENT

"_Nu_, what's the matter _now_?" Morris Perlmutter asked, as he enteredthe office one morning after the cessation of hostilities on the westernfront. 

"_Ai, tzuris!_" Abe moaned in reply, and for at least a minute hecontinued to rock to and fro in his chair and to make incoherent noisesthrough his nostrils in the manner of a person suffering either fromtoothache or the recent cancelation of a large order. 

"It serves you right, " Morris said. "I told you you shouldn't eat thatliberty roast at Wasserbauer's yesterday. It used to give you theindigestion when it was known as _Koenigsburger Klops_, which it is likethe German Empire now calling itself the German Republic; changing itsname ain't going to alter its poisonous disposition none. "

"That's right!" Abe said. "Make jokes, why don't you? You are worser asthis here feller Zero. "

"What feller Zero?" Morris demanded. 

"Zero the emperor what fiddled when Rome was burning, " Abe replied. "He's got nothing on you. _You_ would fiddle if Rome, Watertown, andOgdensburg was burning. "

"I don't know what you are talking about at all, " Morris said. "And, besides, the feller's name was Nero, not Zero. "

"That's what you say, " Abe commented, "which you also said that theoperators was only bluffing and that they wouldn't strike on us in athousand years, and considering that you said this only yesterday, Mawruss, it's already wonderful how time flies. "

"Well, " Morris said, "how could I figure that them lunatics is going topick out the time when we've got practically no work for them and wasgoing to fire them, anyway, to call a strike on us?"

"You should _ought_ to have figured that way, " Abe declared. "Didn't theKaiser abdicate just before them Germans got ready to kick him out?"

"The king business ain't the garment business, " Morris observed. 

"I know it ain't, " Abe agreed. "Kings has got their worries, too, butwhen it comes to laying awake nights trying to figure out whether themdesigners somewheres in France is going to turn out long, full skirts orshort, narrow skirts for the fall and winter of nineteen-nineteen andnineteen-twenty, Mawruss, I bet yer the entire collection of kings, active or retired, doesn't got to take two grains of trional betweenthem. "

"If everybody worried like _you_ do, Abe, " Morris said, "the governmentwould got to issue sleeping-powder cards like sugar cards and limit theconsumption of sleeping-powders to not more than two pounds ofsleeping-powders per person per month in each household. "

"Well, some one has got to do the worrying around here, Mawruss, " Abesaid, "which if it rested with you, y'understand, we could make up aline of samples for next season that wouldn't be no more like Parisdesigns than General Pershing looks like his pictures in the magazines. "

"Say, for that matter, " Morris said, "we are just as good guessers asour competitors; on account the way things is going nowadays, nobody isgoing to try to make a trip to Paris to get fashion designs, because ifhe figured on crossing the ocean to buy model gowns for the fall andwinter of nineteen-nineteen and nineteen-twenty, y'understand, betweenthe time that he applied for his passport and the time the governmentissued it to him, y'understand, it would already be the spring andsummer season of nineteen-twenty-four and nineteen-twenty-five. So thebest thing we could do is to snoop round among the trade, and whateverwe find the majority is making up for next year, we would make up thesame styles also, and that's all there would be _to_ it. "

"We wouldn't do nothing of the kind, " Abe declared. "I've been thinkingthis thing over, and I come to the conclusion that it's up to you to goover to Paris and see what is going on over there. "

"I don't got to go to Paris for that, Abe, " Morris said. "I can read thepapers the same like anybody else, and just so long as there is a chancethat the war would start up again and them hundred-mile guns is going toresume operations, I am content to get my ideas of Paris styles at adistance of three thousand miles if I never sold another garment as longas I live. "

"But when it _was_ working yet, it only went off every twenty minutes, "Abe said. 

"I don't care if it went off every Fourth of July, " Morris said, "because if I went over there it would be just my luck that the peacenogotiations falls through and the Germans invent a gun leavingFrankfort ever hour on the hour and arriving in Paris daily, includingSundays, without leaving enough trace of me to file a proof of deathwith. Am I right or wrong?"

"All right, " Abe said. "If _that's_ the way you feel about it, _I_ willgo to Paris. "

"_You_ will go to Paris?" Morris exclaimed. 

"Sure!" Abe declared. "The operators is on strike, business is rotten, and I'm sick and tired of paying life-insurance premiums, _anyway_. Besides, if Leon Sammet could get a passport, why couldn't I?"

"You mean to say that faker is going to Paris to buy model gowns?"Morris demanded. 

"I seen him on the Subway this morning, and the way he talked about howeasy he got his passport, you would think that every time he was inWashington with a line of them masquerade costumes which Sammet Brothersmakes up, if he didn't stop in and take anyhow a bit of lunch with theWilsons, y'understand, the President raises the devil with Tumulty whydidn't he let him _know_ Leon Sammet was in town. "

"Then that settles it, " Morris declared, reaching for his hat. 

"Where are you going?" Abe asked. 

"I am going straight down to see Henry D. Feldman and tell that crook heshould get for me a passport, " Morris said. 

"You wouldn't positively do nothing of the kind, " Abe said. "Did youever hear the like? Wants to go to a lawyer to get a passport! An idea!"

"Well, who would I go to, then--an osteaopath?" Morris asked. 

"Leon Sammet told me all about it, " Abe said. "You go down to a place onRector Street where you sign an application, and--"

"That's just what I thought, " Morris interrupted, "and the least whathappens to fellers which signs applications without a lawyer, y'understand, is that six months later a truck-driver arrives onemorning and says where should he leave the set of Washington Irving inone hundred and fifty-six volumes or the piano with stool and scarfcomplete, as the case may be. So I am going to see Feldman, and if itcosts me fifteen or twenty dollars, it's anyhow a satisfaction to knowthat when you do things with the advice of a smart crooked lawyer, nobody could put nothing over on you outside of your lawyer. "

When Morris returned an hour later, however, instead of an appearance ofsatisfaction, his face bore so melancholy an expression that for a fewminutes Abe was afraid to question him. 

"_Nu!_" he said at last. "I suppose you got turned down for beingoverweight or something?"

"What do you mean--overweight?" Morris demanded. "What do you suppose Iam applying for--a twenty-year endowment passport or one of them tontinepassports with cash surrender value after three years?"

"Then what is the matter you look so _rachmonos_?" Abe said. 

"How _should_ I look with the kind of partner which I've got it?" Morrisasked. "Paris models he must got to got. Domestic designs ain't goodenough for him. Such high-grade idees he's got, and I've got to sufferfor it yet. "

"Well, _don't_ go to Europe. What do _I_ care?" Abe said. 

"_We_ must go, " Morris replied. 

"What do you mean--we?" Abe demanded. 

"I mean you and me, " Morris said. "Feldman says that just so long as itis one operation he would charge the same for getting one passport asfor getting two, excepting the government fee of two dollars. So what doyou think--I am going to pay Henry D. Feldman two hundred dollars forgetting me a passport when for two dollars extra I can get one for youalso?"

"But who is going to look after the store?" Abe exclaimed. 

"Say!" Morris retorted, "you've got relations _enough_ working aroundhere, which every time you've hired a fresh one, you've given me thisblood-is-redder-than-water stuff, and now is your chance to prove it. Wewouldn't be away longer as six weeks at the outside, so go ahead, Abe. Here is the application for the passport. Sign your name on the dottedline and don't say no more about it. "

 * * * * *

"Yes, Mawruss, " Abe said, three weeks later, as they sat in therestaurant of their Paris hotel, "in a country where the coffee prettynear strangles you, even when it's got cream and sugar in it, y'understand, the cooking has _got_ to be good, because in atwo-dollar-a-day American plan hotel the management figures that nomatter how rotten the food is, the guests will say, 'Well, anyhow, thecoffee was good, ' and get by with it _that_ way. "

"On the other hand, Abe, " Morris suggested, "maybe the French hotelpeople figure that if they only make the coffee bad enough, the guestswould say, 'Well, one good thing, while the food is terrible, it ain't amarker on the coffee. '"

"But the food tastes pretty good to me, Mawruss, " Abe said. 

"Wait till you've been here a week, Abe, " Morris advised him. "Anythingwould taste good to you after what you went through on that boat. "

"What do you mean--after what _I_ went through?" Abe demanded. "What Iwent through don't begin to compare with what you went through, whichhonestly, Mawruss, there was times there on that second day out whereyou acted so terrible, understand me, that rather as witness such humansuffering again, if any one would of really and truly had your interestsat heart, they would of give a couple of dollars to a steward that heshould throw you overboard and make an end of your misery. "

"Is _that_ so!" Morris retorted. "Well, let me tell you something, Abe. If you think _I_ was in a bad way, don't kid yourself, when you laythere in your berth for three days without strength enough to take offeven your collar and necktie, y'understand, that the captain said to thefirst officer ain't it wonderful what an elegant sailor that Mr. Potashis or anything _like_ it, understand me, which on more than one occasionwhen I seen the way you looked, Abe, I couldn't help thinking of whatchances concerns like the Equ_itta_ble takes when they pass a feller asA number one on his heart and kidneys, and ain't tried him out on somuch as a Staten Island ferry-boat to see what kind of a traveler heis. "

"Listen, Mawruss, " Abe interrupted, "did we come over here payingfirst-class fares for practically steerage accommodations to discusslife insurance, or did we come over here to buy model garments and getthrough with it, because believe me, it is no pleasure for me to stickaround a country where you couldn't get no sugar or butter in a hotel, not if you was to show the head waiter a doctor's certificate with ahundred-dollar bill pinned on it. So let us go round to a few of thesehigh-grade dressmakers and see how much we are going to get stuck for, and have it over with. "

Accordingly, they paid for the coffee and milk without sugar and thedark sour rolls without butter which nowadays form the usual hotelbreakfast in France, and set out for the office of the commissionagent whose place of business is the rendezvous for Americangarment-manufacturers in search of Parisian model gowns. The broadavenues in the vicinity of the hotel seemed unusually crowded even topeople as accustomed to the congested traffic of lower Fifth Avenue asAbe and Morris were, but as they proceeded toward the wholesale districtof Paris the streets became less and less traveled, until at length theywalked along practically deserted thoroughfares. 

"And we thought business was rotten in America, " Morris said. "Why, there ain't hardly one store open, hardly. "

Abe nodded gloomily. 

"It looks to me, Mawruss, that if there is any new garments beingdesigned over here, " he said, "they would be quiet morning gownsappropriate for attending something informal like a sale by a receiverin supplementary proceedings, or a more or less elaborate afternooncostume, not too showy, y'understand, but the kind of model that afashionable Paris dressmaker could wear to a referee in bankruptcy'soffice so as not to make the attending creditors say she was her ownbest customer, understand me. "

"Well, what could you expect?" Morris said, as they toiled up the stairsto the commission agent's office. "The chances is that up to a couple ofmonths ago, in a Paris dressmaker's shop, a customer arrived only everyother week, whereas a nine-inch bomb arrived every twenty minutes, andfurthermore, Abe, it was _you_ that suggested this trip, not _me_, sonow that we are over here, we should ought to make the best of it, andif this here commission agent can't show us no new designs, he could, anyhow, show us the sights. "

But even this consolation was denied them, for when they reached thecommission agent's door it was locked and barred, as were all the otheroffices on that floor, and bore a placard reading:

 FERME

À CAUSE DU JOUR DE FÊTE

"_Nu!_" Morris said, after he had read and re-read the notice a numberof times, "what are we going to do _now_?"

"This is the last hair, " Abe said, "because you know how it is withthese Frenchers, if they close for a death in the family, it is liableto be a matter of weeks already. "

"Maybe it says gone to lunch, will be back in half an hour, " Morrissuggested, hopefully. 

"Not a chance, " Abe declared. "More likely it means this elegant officewith every modern improvement except an elevator, steam heat, andelectric light, to be sublet, because it would be just our luck that thecommission agent is back in New York right now with a line of brand-newmodel gowns, asking our bookkeeper will either of the bosses be backsoon. "

"We wouldn't get back in ten years, I'll tell you that, unless wehustle, " Morris declared. He led the way down-stairs to the groundfloor, where, after a few minutes, they managed to attract the attentionof the _concierge_, who emerged from her shelter at the foot of thestairs and in rapid French explained to Abe and Morris that all Pariswas celebrating with a public holiday the arrival of President Wilson. 

"It's a funny thing about the French language, " Morris said, as sheconcluded. "Even if you don't understand what the people mean, you could'most always tell what they've been eating, which if the French peoplewas limited by law to a ton of garlic a month per person, Abe, this ladywould go to jail for the rest of her life. "

"_Attendez!_" said the _concierge_. "_Au dessus il yà un monsieur quiparle anglais. _"

She motioned for them to wait and ascended the stairs to the floorabove, where they heard her knock on an office door. Evidently theperson who opened it was annoyed by the interruption, for his voice--andto Abe and Morris it was a strangely familiar voice--was raised in angryprotest. 

"Now listen, " said the tenant, "I told you before that I've only gotthis place temporarily, and as long as I am in here I don't want you todo no cleaning nor nothing, because the air is none too good here as itis, and furthermore--"

He proceeded no farther, however, for Abe and Morris had taken thestairs three at a jump and began to wring his hands effusively upon theprinciple of any port in a storm. 

"Well, well, well, if it ain't Leon Sammet!" Abe cried, and his mannerwas as cordial as though, instead of their nearest competitor, Leon werePotash & Perlmutter's best customer. 

"The English language bounces off of that woman like water from a duck'sneck, " Leon said, "which every five minutes she comes up here and talksto me in French high speed with the throttle wide open like a racing-caralready. "

"And the exhaust must be something terrible, " Abe said. 

"I am nearly frozen from opening the windows to let out herconversation, " Leon said, "and especially this morning, when I thought Icould get a lot of letter-writing done without being interrupted, onaccount of the holiday. "

"So that's the reason why everything is closed up!" Morris exclaimed. 

"But Christmas ain't for pretty near two weeks yet, " Abe said. 

"What has Christmas got to do with it?" Leon retorted. "To-day is aholiday because President Wilson arrives in Paris. "

"And you are working here?" Abe cried. 

"Why not?" Leon asked. 

"You mean to say that President Wilson is arriving in Paris to-day andyou ain't going to see him come in?" Morris exclaimed. "What for anAmerican are you, anyway?"

"Say, for that matter, President Wilson has been arriving in New Yorkhundreds of times in the past four years, " Leon said, "and I 'ain'theard that you boys was on the reception committee exactly. "

"That's something else again, " Abe said. "In New York we've got business_enough_ to do without fooling away our time rubbering at parades, butPresident Wilson only comes to Paris once in a lifetime. "

"And some of the people back home is kicking because he comes to Pariseven _that_ often, " Leon commented. 

"_Let_ 'em kick, " Morris declared, "which the way some Americans runsdown President Wilson only goes to show that it's an old saying and atrue one that there is no profit for a man in his own country, so goahead and write your letters if you want to, Leon, but Abe and me isgoing down-town to the Champs Elizas and give the President a couple ofcheers like patriotic American sitsons should ought to do. "

"In especially, " Abe added, "as it is a legal holiday and we wouldn'tlook at no model garments to-day. "

II

SETTLING THE PRELIMINARIES

"After all, Mawruss, " Abe Potash said, as he sat with his partner, Morris Perlmutter, in their hotel room on the night after thePresident's arrival in Paris, "a President is only human, and it seemsto me that if they would of given him a chance to go quietly to a hoteland wash up after the trip, y'understand, it would be a whole lot betteras meeting him at the railroad depot and starting right in with thespeeches. "

"What do you mean--give him a chance to wash up?" Morris asked. "Don'tyou suppose he had a chance to wash up on the train, or do you think himand Mrs. Wilson sat up all night in a day-coach?"

"I don't care if they had a whole section, " Abe retorted; "it ain't theeasiest thing in the world to step off a train in a stovepipe hat, witha clean shave, after a twenty-hour trip, even if it would of been one ofthem eighteen-hour limiteds even, and begin right away to get off a lotof _schmooes_ about he don't know how to express the surprise andgratification he feels at such an enthusiastic reception, in especiallyas he probably lay awake half the night trying to memorize the biggerpart of the speech following the words, 'and now, gentlemen, I wouldn'tdelay you no longer. ' So that's why I say if they would have let him goto his hotel first, y'understand, why, then he--"

"But Mr. And Mrs. Wilson ain't putting up at no hotel. They are stayingwith a family by the name of Murat, " Morris explained. 

"Relations to the Wilsons maybe?" Abe inquired. 

"Not that I heard tell of, " Morris replied. 

"Well, whoever they are they've got my sympathy, " Abe said; "becauseonce, when the Independent Order Mattai Aaron held its annual GrandLodge meeting in New York, me and Rosie put up the Grand Master, by thename Louis M. Koppelman, used to was Koppelman & Fine, the FashionStore, Pottstown, Pennsylvania, and the way that feller turned the houseupside down, if he would have stayed another week with us, understandme, I would have hired a first-class A number one criminal lawyer todefend me and wired the relations for instructions as to how to ship thebody home. "

"I bet yer the Murats feel honored to got Mr. And Mrs. Wilson stayingwith them, " Morris said. 

"For the first few days maybe, " Abe admitted, "but wait till a coupleweeks go by! I give them until January 1, 1919, and after that Mr. AndMrs. Murat would be signaling each other to come up-stairs into themaid's room and be holding a few ain't-them-people-got-no-homeconversations. Also, Mawruss, for the rest of their married life, Mawruss, every time the tropic of who invited them in the FIRST placecomes up at meal-times, y'understand, either Mr. Or Mrs. Murat is goingto get up from the table and lock themselves up in the bedroom for theremainder of the evening. Am I right or wrong?"

"I wouldn't argue with you, " Morris said, "because if I would give youthe slightest encouragement you are liable to go to work and figurewhere Mrs. Murat is kicking to Mr. Murat that she couldn't make out withthe housekeeping money while the Wilsons is in Paris, on account ofhaving to buy an extra bottle of Grade B milk every day, or somethinglike that, which you talk like Mr. And Mrs. Wilson was in Paris on acouple of weeks' vacation, whereas the President has come here to settlethe peace of the world. "

"Did I say he didn't?" Abe protested. 

"And while you are sitting here talking a lot of nonsense, " Morris wenton, "big things is happening, which with all the questions he has got tothink about, I bet yer the President _oser_ worries his head about alittle affair like board and lodging. Also I read in one of them Pariseditions of an American paper that there come over to France on the samesteamer with him over three hundred experts--college professors and thelike--and them fellers is now staying in Paris at various hotels, which, if that don't justify Mr. Wilson in putting up with a private family, y'understand, I don't know what does!"

"I thought at the time I read about them experts coming over to helpthe President in the Peace Conference that he was letting himself in forsomething, " Abe observed. 

"I bet yer!" Morris said. "And that's where Colonel House was wise whenhe comes over on a steamer ahead of them, because it is bad enough whenyou are crossing the ocean in winter-time to be President of the UnitedStates and to have to try not to act otherwise, without having threehundred experts dogging your footsteps and thinking up ways to start aconversation and swing it towards the subject they are experts in. WhichI bet yer every time the President tried to get a little exercise bywalking around the promenade deck after lunch there was an expert onJugo-Slobs laying for him who was all worked up to tell everything heknew about Jugo-Slobs in a couple of laps, provided the President lastedthat long. "

"Well, I'll tell you, " Abe said, "a man which employs experts to askadvice from deserves all he gets, Mawruss, because you know how it iswhen you ask an advice from somebody which don't know a thing in theworld about what he is advising you. He'll talk you deaf, dumb, andblind, anyhow. So you can imagine what it must be like when you aregetting advice from an expert!"

"It seems to me that before the President gets through he will belooking around for an expert which is expert in choking off advice fromexperts, otherwise the first time the President consults one of themexperts, if he's going to wait for the expert to get through, he willhave to be elected to a third term and then maybe hold over, at that, "Morris commented. 

"I should think the President would be glad when this Peace Conferenceis over, " Abe said. 

"Say! For that matter he'll be glad when it's started, " Morris said. "Which the way it looks now, Abe, the preliminaries of a peaceconference is harder on a President in the way of speeches and paradesthan two Liberty Loan campaigns and an inauguration. Take, for instance, the matter of dinners, and I bet yer before he even goes to London nextweek he would have six meals with the President of France alone--I can'tremember his name. "

"Call him Lefkowitz, " Abe said, "I'll know who you mean. "

"Well, whatever it is, he looks like a hearty eater, Abe, " Morrisremarked. 

"In fact, Mawruss, from what I seen of them French politicians in theparade this morning, " Abe observed, "none of them looked like they wentslow on starchy foods and red meats, whereas take the American PeaceCommissioners, from the President down, and while they don't all of themgive you the impression that they eat breakfast food for dinner exactly, still at the same time if these here peace preliminaries is going toinclude more dinners than parades, the French Commissioners has got themunder a big handicap. "

"Maybe you're right, " Morris agreed. "But my idee is that with thesehere preliminary peace dinners it ain't such a bad thing for us if ourPeace Commissioners wouldn't be such hearty eaters, y'understand, because you know how it is when we've got a hard-boiled egg come intothe place to look over our line, it's a whole lot better to get an ideeof about how much he expects to buy after lunch than before, inespecially if we pay for the lunch. So if this here President Lefkowitz, or whatever the feller's name is, expects to fill up the President witha big meal of them French _à la_ dishes until Mr. Wilson gets sogood-natured that he is willing to tell not only his life history, butalso just exactly what he means by a League of Nations, y'understand, the dinner might just as well start and end with two poached eggs ontoast, for all the good it will do. "

"Still, it ain't a bad idee to have all these dinners over and done withbefore the business of the Peace Conference begins, Mawruss, " Aberemarked, "because hafterwards, when Mr. Wilson's attitude on some ofthem fourteen propositions for peace becomes known, y'understand, itain't going to be too pleasant for Mrs. Wilson to be sitting by the sideof her husband and watch the looks of some of the guests sittingopposite during the fish course, for instance, not wishing him no harm, but waiting for a good-sized bone to lodge sideways in his throat, orsomething. "

"She is used to that from home already, whenever she has a fewRepublican Senators to dinner at the White House, " Morris said. "Butthat ain't here nor there, anyhow, because after the Peace Conferencebegins the President will be so busy, y'understand, that sending out oneof the Assistant Secretaries of State to a Busy Bee lunch-room to bringhim a couple of sandwiches and some coffee will be the nearest to aformal dinner that the President will come to for many a day. Take, forinstance, the proposition of the Freedom of the Seas, and there's awhole lot to be said on both sides by people like yourself which don'tknow one side from the other. "

"And I don't want to know, neither, " Abe said, "because it wouldn't makeno difference to me how free the seas was made, once I get back on terracotta, Mawruss; they could not only make the seas free, y'understand, but they could also offer big bonuses in addition, and I wouldn't leaveAmerica again not if they was to give me a life pass good on the_Olympic_ or _Aquitania_ with meals included. "

"So your idea is that the freedom of the seas means traveling fornothing on ocean steamers?" Morris commented. 

"Say!" Abe retorted, "why should I bother my head what such things meanwhen I got for a partner a feller which really by rights belongs down atthe Peace headquarters, along with them other big experts?"

"I never claimed to be an expert, but at the same time, I ain't anignerammus, neither, which even before I left New York, I knew allabout this here Freedom of the Seas, " Morris said, "which the daybefore we sailed I was talking to Henry Binder, of Binder & Baum, and hesays to me--"

"Excuse me, but what does Binder & Baum know about the Freedom of theSeas?" Abe demanded. "They are in the wholesale pants business, ain'tit?"

"Sure, I know, " Morris continued, "and Paderewski is a piano-player, andat the same time he went over to Poland to organize the new PolishRepublic. "

"And the result will be that when the new Polish Republic gets startedunder the direction of this here piano-player, " Abe said, "and they geta new Polish National Anthem, it will be an expert piano-player's ideaof something which is easy to play, and the consequence is that untilthe next Polish revolution, every time a band plays the Polish NationalAnthem, them poor Polacks would got to stand up for from forty-fiveminutes to an hour while the band struggles to get through with what itwould have taken Paderewski three minutes at the outside. "

"Henry Binder is a college graduate even if he would be in the pantsbusiness, " Morris said, "and he said to me: 'Perlmutter, ' he said, 'theFreedom of the Seas is like this, ' he says. 'You take a country likeNorway and it stands in the same relation to the big naval powers likewe would to the other big manufacturers. Now, for instance, ' he says, 'last year we did a business of over two million dollars, and--'"

Abe raised his right hand like a traffic policeman. 

"Stop right there, Mawruss, " he said, "because if the Freedom of theSeas is anything like Binder & Baum doing a business of two milliondollars last year, I don't believe a word of it, which it wouldn't makeno difference if Henry Binder was talking about the Freedom of the Seasor astronomy, sooner or later he is bound to ring in the large amount ofgoods he is selling, and, anyway, no matter what Henry Binder tells you, you must got to reckon ninety-eight per cent. Discount before you couldbelieve a word he says. "

"And do you suppose for one moment that the members of the PeaceConference is going to act any different from Henry Binder in thatrespect?" Morris asked. "Every one of the representatives of thecountries engaged in this here Peace Conference is coming to France witha statement of the very least they would accept, and it is prettygenerally understood that all such statements are subject to a verystiff discount, which that is what these here preliminaries is for, Abe--to get a line on the discounts before the Peace Conferencediscusses the claims themselves. "

"Well, when it comes to the Allies scrapping between themselves aboutLeague of Nations and Freedoms of Seas, I am content that they should beallowed a liberal discount on what they say for what they mean, Mawruss, but when it comes to Germany, " he concluded, "she's got to pay, and payin full, net cash, and then some. "

III

THE PRESIDENT'S VISIT TO ENGLAND

"The alphabet ain't what it used to be before the war, Mawruss, " Abesaid, as he read the paper at breakfast in his Paris hotel shortly afterPresident Wilson's visit to England. "Former times if a fellerunderstood C. O. D. And N. G. , y'understand, he could read the papersand get sense out of it the same like he would be a college gradgwate, already; but nowadays when you pick up a morning paper and read thatColonel Harris Lefkowitz, we would say, for example, A. D. C. To the C. O. At G. H. Q. Of the A. E. F. , has been decorated with the D. S. O. , you feel that the only way to get a line on what is going on in theworld is to get posted on this--now--algebry which ambitious youngshipping-clerks gets fired for studying during office hours. "

"Well, if you get mixed up by these here letters, think what it must belike for President Wilson to suddenly get one of them English statesmensprung on him by--we would say--the King--where the King says: 'Mr. President, shake hands with the Rutt Hon. Duke of Cholomondley, K. C. M. G. , R. V. O. , K. C. B. , F. P. A. , G. S. I. , and sometimes W. And Y. '"Morris said, "in especially as I understand Cholomondley is pronouncedas if written Rabinowitz. "

"It would anyhow give the President a tropic for conversation such asain't it the limit what you got to pay to get visiting-cards engravednowadays, which it really and truly must cost the English aristocracy afortune for such things, " Abe said, "in particularly if the daughter ofsuch a feller gets married with engraved invitations, Mawruss, after hehad paid the stationery bill, y'understand, he wouldn't got nothing leftfor her dowry. "

"Well, I guess the President wasn't in no danger of running out oftropics of conversation while he was in England, Abe, " Morris said, "which during all the spare time Mr. Wilson had on his trip he didnothing but hold conversations with Mr. Balfour, and this here LordGeorge, and you could take it from me, Abe, there wasn't many pauses tobe filled up by Mr. Wilson saying ain't it a funny weather we are havingnowadays, or something like that. "

"How do you know?" Abe asked. "Was you there?"

"I wasn't there, " Morris said, "but last night I was speaking in thelobby of the hotel to one of them newspaper reporters which made thetrip with the President, and after I had given the young feller one ofthe cigars we brought with us from New York he got quite friendly andtold me all about it. It seems, Abe, that the visit was a wonderfulsuccess, in particular the first day Mr. Wilson was in England. Theweather was one of the finest days they had in winter over in Englandfor years already. Only six inches of rain, and the passage across theEnglish Channel was so smooth for this time of the year that less thaneighty per cent. Of the passengers was ill as against the normalpercentage of 99. 31416. As Mr. Wilson had requested that no fuss shouldbe made over his visit, things was kept down as much as possible, sothat, on leaving Calais, the President's boat was escorted by only tentorpedo-boat destroyers, a couple battle-ships, three cruisers, andeight-twelfths of a dozen assorted submarines. There was also a simpleand informal escort of about fifty airy-oplanes, the six dirigibleballoons having been cut out of the program in accordance from thePresident's wishes. However, Abe, all this simplicity was nothingcompared to the way they acted when the President arrived at Dover. There the arrangements was what you might expect when the President of aplain, democratic people visits the country of another plain, democraticpeople, Abe. The only people there to meet them was about twenty orthirty dukes, a few field-marshals, three regiments of soldiers, including the bands, and somebody which the newspaper reporter says heat first took for Caruso in the second act of 'Aïda' and afterwardsproved to be the mayor of Dover in his official costume. 

"The ceremony of welcoming Mr. And Mrs. Wilson to the shores of Englandwas very short, the whole thing being practically over in two hours andthirty minutes, " Morris continued. "It consisted of either the firing ofa Presidential salute of twenty-one guns or the playing of the AmericanNational Anthem by the massed bands of three regiments, the reportersays he couldn't tell which, on account he stood behind one of thedrums. Later the President made a short speech, in which he said: 'May Inot say how glad I am to land in Dover, ' or something to that effect. "

"And after that boat-ride from France he would have said so if it hadbeen Barren Island, or any other place-just so long as it was free fromearthquakes and didn't roll none, " Abe agreed. "Also, Mawruss, " hecontinued, "some day the President is going to begin a speech with, 'MayI not, ' and the chairman of the meeting will take him at his word andput it to a standing vote, and it is going to surprise the President howfew people is going to remain seated on the proposition of whether ornot he shall continue to begin letters and speeches with, 'May I not. '"

"Say!" Morris exclaimed. "When we get by mail a cancelation and answerit, 'Dear Gents, Your favor received, ' does that mean we think thecustomer is doing us a favor by canceling an order on us? _Oser aStuck. _ And in the same way, when Mr. Wilson says, 'May I not?' nobodyfools themselves for a minute that the President is asking permission. That's just a habit us and him got into, Abe, and in fact, Abe, Mr. Wilson's 'May-I-nots' have always meant that not only was he going tosay what he intended to say, but that he was also going to do it, too. So, therefore, you take the speech he made at the Gelthall in London, and--"

"But as I understand your story, Mawruss, he only just arrived inDover, " Abe said, "so go ahead with your lies, and tell me what happenednext. "

"Well, " Morris went on to say, "after the mayor of Dover had presentedMr. Wilson with the Freedom of the City in a gold casket--"

"Excuse me, Mawruss, " Abe interrupted, "but what is this here Freedom ofthe City that mayors is all the time presenting to Mr. Wilson?"

"I don't know, " Morris replied, "except that seemingly a Freedom of theCity always comes in a gold casket. "

"Sure, I know, " Abe said, "but what does Mr. Wilson gain by all thesehere Freedoms of Cities?"

"Gold caskets, " Morris replied, "although I think myself that some ofthese mayors ain't above getting by with a gold-plated silver casket, oreven a rolled-gold casket, relying on the fact that Mr. Wilson is toomuch of a gentleman to get an appraisal, anyhow till he returns toAmerica. "

"Well, if I would be Mr. Wilson, I wouldn't take it so particular to acttoo gentlemanly to them mayors, " Abe commented, "because I see in thepapers that when the mayor of London presented him with the Freedom ofthe City, Mr. Wilson got the Freedom part, but he was told that thegold casket was in preparation, which I admit that I don't know nothingabout this here mayor of London, but you know how it is when a customergets married, Mawruss, and we put off sending him a wedding present tillwe could get round to it, y'understand, which we are all human, Mawruss, and it wouldn't surprise me in the least if six months from now themayor of London would be going round saying, 'Why should we give thatfeller a gold casket--am I right or wrong?'--and let the wholegold-casket thing die a natural death. "

"They'll probably come across with it after a few how-about-casketcables, and, anyhow, if they didn't, Abe, the English people certainlydone enough for Mr. Wilson, " Morris continued, "because that newspaperreporter told me that the reception which Mr. Wilson got in London wassomething enormous, y'understand. The King and Queen was waiting to meethim and the station platform was covered with a red-velvet pile carpetwhich was so thick, understand me, that they 'ain't been able as yet tolocate a couple of suit-cases which was carelessly put down by the RuttHon. The Duke of Warrington, K. G. Y. , Y. M. H. A. , First Lord Red Cap inWaiting, and sunk completely out of sight while he helped a couple ofAssistant Red Caps in Waiting, also dukes, load the Presidentialwardrobe trunks on the Royal Baggage Transfer truck. "

"What do you mean--also dukes?" Abe demanded. "Do you mean to say thatthe Red Caps which hustles the King's baggage is dukes?"

"At the very least, " Morris declared, "because the Master of the RoyalFox-hounds is an earl, Abe, and I leave it to you, Abe, if handlingbaggage ain't a better job than feeding dogs. Also, Abe, there is Lordsin Waiting and Ladies in Waiting, and it wouldn't surprise me in theslightest if during their stay in Buckingham Palace some of the membersof Mr. Wilson's party which ain't been tipped off have telephoned downto the office for towels and kept the Marquis of Hendersonville, LanesCounty, England, Knight Commander of the Bath, waiting at the bedroomdoor ten minutes, while they went through all their clothes trying tofind something smaller than a quarter to slip him. "

"And do you believe for one moment, Mawruss--if there was a Marquis ofHendersonville, which I never heard of such a person, Mawruss--and hedid happen to be Knight Commander of the Bath, y'understand, that he isactually handing out soap and towels in the King of England's palace?"Abe inquired. 

"Certainly I don't believe it, " Morris replied, "and I also don'tbelieve that calling anybody Right Honorable is going to make him anymore right than he is honorable, unless, of course, he is honorable tostart with and really and truly wants to be right, y'understand. Andthat is what Mr. Wilson went to England to find out, Abe, because itain't going to affect the Peace Conference one way or the other if theMaster of the Royal Fox-hounds don't know a dawg-biscuit from agingersnap, y'understand, whereas if this here war is going to besettled once and for all, Abe, it's quite important that the RightHonorable English statesmen should have right and honorable intentions. "

"And did Mr. Wilson find out?" Abe asked. 

"Sure he did, " Morris said, "although from what this here newspaperreporter tells me, Abe, there was a whole lot of lost motion about theinvestigation. Take, for instance, the attitude of Mr. Lord George onthe Freedom of the Seas, for instance, and you would think that in thecase of a busy man like Mr. Wilson, y'understand, he would of rung himup on the telephone, made an appointment for luncheon the next morning, and by half past one at the outside they would have got the matter insuch shape that the only point not settled between 'em would be afriendly quarrel as to see who should pay for the eats, y'understand. Actually, however, the arrangements for having Mr. Wilson get into touchwith Lord George was conducted by the Comptroller of the RoyalHousehold, and the line of march was down Piccadilly as far asForty-second Street, over to Hyde Park, and by way of Hyde Park west toEighth Avenue to Mr. Lord George's office in the London & LiverpoolTitle Guarantee and Trust Company Building. The order of procession wasas follows:

"Twelve mounted policemen. 

"The band of the King's Own Sixty-ninth Regiment. 

"Typographical Union No. 6, Allied Printing Trades Council of GreatBritain and Ireland. 

"William J. Mustard Association, Drum and Fife Corps. 

"Household Guards. 

"First carriage--Mr. Wilson and the King. 

"Second carriage--Mrs. Wilson and the Queen. 

"Third carriage--Mr. George Creel. 

"Fourth carriage--Master of the Royal Fox-hounds, Master of the RoyalBuck-hounds, Master of the Royal Stag-hounds, two Masters of Assortedhounds. 

"Six Motor-cycle Policemen. 

"The Stock Exchange closed, and promissory notes falling due on thatdate became automatically payable on the following day. Admission to thereviewing-stand was by card, some of which found their way into thehands of the speculators, and will shortly be the subject of a John Doeinvestigation by the district attorney of Middlesex County, so thenewspaper feller told me. "

"But what is this here Lord George's attitude towards the Freedom of theSeas, Mawruss?" Abe asked. 

"That the newspaper feller didn't know, " Morris said. 

"Well, who does know?" Abe insisted. 

"Lord George, " Morris replied. 

IV

EVERYTHING IS PROCEEDING SATISFACTORILY--MAYBE

"Yes, Abe, " Morris Perlmutter said to his partner, Abe Potash, a fewdays after Mr. Wilson's return from his visit to Italy, "up to a shorttime ago hardly anybody in America had ever even heard about Italy'sclaims to the Dalmatian territory. "

"Naturally!" Abe replied; "because if there is six people in the wholeUnited States which is engaged in the business of selling spotted dogsto fire-engine houses, Mawruss, that would be big already. "

Morris threw up both hands in a gesture of despair. "What is the usetalking foreign politics to a feller which thinks that Italy's claims tothe Dalmatian territory means she wants the exclusive right to make NewYork, Cleveland, Chicago, and St. Louis with a line of spotted dogs forfire-engine companies!" he exclaimed. 

"And I wouldn't even have known that it meant that much, " Abe retorted, entirely unabashed, "excepting that six months ago my wife's sister'scousin wanted me I should advance her a hundred dollars to pay a lawyerhe should bring suit against the city for her on account she got bittenby one of them fire-house Dalmatians, Mawruss, which up to that time Ialways had an idea they was splashed-up white dogs. So go ahead, Mawruss, I'll be the goat. What is Italy's claims to the Dalmatianterritory?"

"Well, in the first place, Italy thinks she should be awarded all themtowns where a majority of the people which lives in them speaksItalian, " Morris said; "like Fiume, Spalato, Ragusa--"

"Also New Rochelle, Mount Vernon, and The Bronx, " Abe added; "and if shewants to get nasty, Mawruss, she could claim all the territory east ofThird Avenue, from Ninetieth Street up to the Harlem River, too. Furthermore, Mawruss, there is neighborhoods south of Washington Squarewhere not only the majority of the people speaks Italian, but theminority speaks it also. So you see how complicated things becomes whena new beginner like me starts in to talk foreign politics. "

"For that matter, all us Americans is new beginners on foreign politics, from Mr. Wilson down, Abe, " Morris said. "And that is why Mr. Wilsondone a wise thing when he visited Italy the other day, and took a lot ofAmerican newspaper fellers with him, because, between you and me, Abe, it wouldn't surprise me in the least if some of them reporters went downthere under the impression that the only thing which distinguishedRagusa from Ravioli or Spalato from Spaghetti was the difference in theshape of the noodles, but that otherwise they was cooked the same, withchicken livers and tomato sauce, which you know how it is in America:ninety per cent. Of the people gets their education from reading innewspapers, and the consequence is that if the American newspaperreporters has a sort of hazy idea that Sonnino is either an item on thebill of fare, to be passed up on account of having garlic in it, or elsea tenor which the Metropolitan Opera House ain't given a contract to asyet, y'understand, then the American public has got the same sort ofhazy idea. So Mr. Wilson done the right thing traveling to Italy, evenif he did have an uncomfortable journey. "

"What do you mean--an uncomfortable journey?" Abe demanded. "Why, Iunderstand he traveled on the King of Italy's royal train!"

"Sure, I know, " Morris agreed; "but when a king is sleeping on a royaltrain in Europe, Abe, he can be pretty near as comfortable as atraveling-salesman sitting up all night on a day-coach in America, andif he spends two nights on such a royal train, the way President Wilsondid in going from Paris to Rome, which is about as far as from New Yorkto Chicago, y'understand, it wouldn't make no difference how many peopleis waiting at the station to holler 'Long live the King!' understand me, he is going to feel half dead, anyway. "

"And yet there is people which claims that Mr. Wilson don't give a whoopwhether he makes himself popular or not, " Abe commented, "which beforeI could lay awake two nights on a train, I wouldn't care if everynewspaper reporter in the United States never got no nearer to Italythan a fifty-cent _table d'hôte_, including wine. "

"Maybe you would care if you was going to Italy to make speeches the wayMr. Wilson did, " Morris said. "Which if the King of Italy was to go toAmerica and make speeches in Italian at the Capitol in Washington, itwould be just as well if he would bring along an audience of a few dozenItalians with him, and not depend on enough barbers, shoe-blacks, andvegetable-stand keepers horning in on the proceedings to give theCongressmen and Senators a hint as to where the applause should come in. In fact, I was speaking to one of them newspaper fellers which went toItaly, Abe, and he says that he listened carefully to all the speecheswhich was made in Italian, Mawruss, and that once he thought he heardthe word Chianti mentioned, but he couldn't say for certain. He told me, however, that the correspondent of _The New York Evening Post_ alsoclaims that he heard Orlando, the Prime Minister, in a speech deliveredin Rome, use the words Il Trovatore, but that otherwise the whole thingwas like having the misfortune to see somebody give an imitation ofEddie Foy when you've escaped seeing Eddie Foy in the first place, soyou can imagine what chance Mr. Wilson would have stood with themItalians if the American correspondents hadn't been along to start thecries of 'Bravo!' in the right spot. 

"So you see, Abe, it's a good thing for them newspaper men to see whatkind of people the Italians is in their own country, " Morris continued, "because if this here League of Nations idea is going to be put over byMr. Wilson, Americans should ought to know from the start that Italy isa Big League nation and its batting average in this war is just as goodas the other Big League nations. "

"Did any one say it wasn't?" Abe demanded. 

"I know they didn't, " Morris said. "But just the same, Abe, there's awhole lot of people in America which judges the Italians by the way theybehave in the ice business and 'Cavalleria Rusticana, ' and also a fellercan get a very unfavorable opinion of Italians by being shaved in one ofthem ten-cent palace barber shops, understand me, so even if themnewspaper men couldn't appreciate the performance without a libretto, y'understand, they could anyhow see for themselves that the Italians inItaly is doctors and lawyers, clothing-dealers and bankers, just thesame like the Americans are in America, and if they can pass the wordback home, with a few details of how it feels to be a foreigner in aforeign country, that wouldn't do no harm, neither. "

"That is something which an American newspaper correspondent wouldn'ttouch on at all, " Abe said, "because I bet that every last one of themhas already sent back to America an article about this trip to Italy, which, when the readers of his newspaper looks at it, Mawruss, not onlywould they think that he understood Sonnino's speech from start tofinish, y'understand, but also that every time the newspaper feller isin Rome, which the article would lead one to believe has been on anaverage of once a week for the past ten years, Mawruss, him and Sonninodrink coffee together. "

"Ain't he taking a big chance when he writes a thing like that?" Morriscommented. 

"Yow! A chance!" Abe exclaimed. "Why, to read the things that a few ofthese here Washington correspondents used to write when they was inAmerica yet, you would think every one of them was pestered to deathwith telephone messages from the White House where Mr. Tumulty says ifthe newspaper feller has got a little spare time that evening thePresident would consider it a big favor if he would step around to theWhite House, as Mr. Wilson would like to ask him an advice about adiplomatic note which has just been received from Lord George in regardsto the Freedom of the Seas or something. "

"But don't you suppose the newspaper which a nervy individual like thatis working for would fire him on the spot?" Morris observed. 

"Not at all, " Abe said, "because the newspaper-owner likes people to getthe idea that the newspaper has got such an important feller for aWashington correspondent, just as much as the correspondent doeshimself, Mawruss, so you can imagine the bluff some of them fellers isgoing to throw now that they really got something interesting to writeabout like this here Peace Conference. If Mr. Wilson gains all hisfourteen points, y'understand, the special Paris correspondent of theBridgetown, Pa. , _Daily Register_ is going to write home, 'And he couldhave gained fifteen if he would only have listened to me. ' Also, Mawruss, during the next three months, if the Peace Conference laststhat long, the readers of the Cyprus, N. J. , _Evening Chronicle_ isgoing to get the idea that President Wilson, Clemenceau, Lord George, and a feller by the name of Delos M. Jones, who is writing PeaceConference articles for the Cyprus, N. J. , _Evening Chronicle_, are insecret conference together every day, including Sundays, from 10 A. M. Tomidnight, fixing up the boundaries between Rumania and Servia. "

"Well, them boys has got to produce something to make their bosses backin America continue paying salary and traveling expenses, " Morris said, "because from what this here newspaper correspondent tells me, if hedidn't get his imagination working, all he could write for his paperwould be descriptions of Paris scenery, including the outside of thebuildings where on the insides, with the doors locked and the curtainspulled, Mr. Wilson and the American Peace Commissioners is openly andnotoriously carrying on open and notorious peace conversations with theother allied Peace Commissioners, and for all the newspapercorrespondents know to the contrary, Abe, the only point on which themPeace Commission fellers ain't breaking up the furniture over is thatwhen they come out, y'understand, it is agreed that the newspapercorrespondents will be told that everything is proceedingsatisfactorily. "

"But I thought Mr. Wilson promised before he left America that the oldsecret diplomacy would be a thing of the past, " Abe said. 

"So he did, " Morris agreed, "and by what I gather from this herenewspaper man he kept his promise, too, and we now have got a newdiplomacy, compared to which the fellers who were working under therules of the old secret diplomacy bladded everything they knew. "

"But I distinctly read it in the papers the other day that every morningat half past ten, Mawruss, Mr. Lansing meets the newspapercorrespondents and lets them know what's been going on, " Abe said. 

"He meets them, " Morris replied, "but so far as letting them know whathas been going on is concerned, all he says that everything isproceeding satisfactorily and is there any gentleman there which wouldlike to ask him any questions, which naturally any newspapercorrespondent who could ask Mr. Lansing such questions as would make Mr. Lansing give out any information he didn't want to give out, wouldn't bewasting his time working as a newspaper correspondent, Abe, but would beconsidering offers from the law firm of Hughes, Brandeis, Stanchfield, Hughes & Stanchfield to come in as a full partner and take exclusivecharge of the cross-examination of busted railroad presidents. "

"Maybe the reason why Mr. Lansing don't tell them newspapercorrespondents nothing is that he ain't got nothing to tell them, " Abesuggested. 

"Well, then, if I would be him, Abe, I would make up something, " Morrissaid, "because if he don't they will, or anyhow some of them will, andthere is going to be a lot of stuff printed in American papers where thecorrespondent says he learns from high authority that things ain't goingso good in the Peace Conference as Mr. Wilson would like, because Mr. Wilson is the doctor in the case, and you know how it is when somebodyis too sick to be seen and the doctor is worried, Abe, he sends downword by the nurse that everything is proceeding satisfactorily, and thevisitor goes away trying to remember did he or did he not throw awaythat fifty-cent black four-in-hand tie he wore to the last funeral hewent to. "

"I got a whole lot of confidence in Mr. Wilson as the doctor for thishere war-sickness which Europe is suffering from, Mawruss, " Abe said. 

"So have I, " Morris said: "but you've got to remember that there's awhole lot of those doctors on the case, Abe--some of them quack doctors, too, and, when the doctors disagree, who is to decide?"

"I don't know, " Abe said; "but I think I know who would like to. "

"Who?" Morris asked. 

"Some of these here Washington newspaper correspondents you was talkingabout, " Abe concluded. 

V

THIS HERE PEACE CONFERENCE--IT NEEDS PUBLICITY

"Well, Mawruss, " Abe Potash said, as he and his partner, MorrisPerlmutter, sat at breakfast in their Paris hotel one Sunday morning, "Isee that the Peace Conference had a meeting the other day where it wasregularly moved and seconded that there should be a League of Nations, and, in spite of what them Republican Senators back home predicted, Mawruss, when Chairman Clemenceau said, 'Contrary minded, ' you could ofheard a pin drop. "

"Sure you could, " Morris Perlmutter agreed, "because the way this herePeace Conference is being run, Abe, when Mr. Clemenceau says: 'All thosein favor would please say _Aye_, ' he ain't _asking_ them, he's TELLINGthem, which I was speaking to the newspaper feller last night, Abe, andhe says that, compared to the delegates at this here Peace Convention, y'understand, the delegates of a New York County Democratic Conventionare free to act as they please. In fact, Abe, as I understand it, at thesewed-up political conventions which they hold it in America, the bossesdo occasionally let a delegate get up and say a few words which ain'ton the program exactly, but at this here Peace Convention a delegate whotries to get off a speech which 'ain't first been submitted in writingten days in advance should ought to go into training for it by pickingquarrels with waiters in all-night restaurants. 

"Take this here meeting which they held it on Saturday, Abe, " Morriscontinued, "and it was terrible the way Chairman Clemenceau jumps, forinstance, on a feller from Belgium by the name M. Hyman. "

"That ain't the same M. Hyman which used to was M. Hyman & Co. In thecoat-pad business?" Abe inquired. 

"This here M. Hyman used to was a Belgium minister in London, " Morriswent on, "which he got up and objected to the way the five bignations--America, Great Britain, France, Italy, and Japan--was, so tospeak, hogging the convention. "

"Well, I think the Reverend Hyman was right, at that, " Abe said, "whichI just finished reading Mr. Wilson's speech at that meeting, Mawruss, inwhich he said that no longer should the select classes govern the restof mankind, y'understand, and after the American, French, British, Italian, and Japanese delegates gets through applauding what Mr. Wilsonsays, they select themselves to run the rest of the nations in theLeague of Nations. Naturally an ex-minister like the Reverend Hyman isgoing to say, 'Why don't you practise what you preach?'"

"And if he wouldn't of been an ex-minister, Abe, " Morris said, "thechances is that Chairman Clemenceau would of whispered a few words intothe cauliflower ear of one of the sergeants-at-arms, and when thesession closed, y'understand, the hat-check boy would have had one hatleft over with the initials M. H. In it which Mr. Hyman didn't have timeto claim before he hit the car tracks, y'understand, and I wouldn'tblame Chairman Clemenceau, neither, because, if this here PeaceConference is going to end this side of nineteen-fifty, it's got to bespeeded up some. "

[Illustration: "I wouldn't blame Chairman Clemenceau neither, because ifthis here Peace Conference is going to end this side of nineteen fifty, it's got to be speeded up some. "]

"Nobody says it 'ain't, " Abe agreed, "but this here M. Hyman is aBelgium and he's got a right to be heard. "

"He _would_ have if everybody didn't admit that Belgium shall beprotected in every which way, Abe, " Morris agreed, "but there is also alot of small nations which has got delegates at the Peace Convention, like Cuba, y'understand, and some of them South American republics, and, once you begin with them fellers, where are you going to leave off?Take, for instance, the Committee on Reparation, which has got charge ofdeciding how much money Germany ought to pay for losses suffered by thecountries which made war on her, y'understand, and there wasn't one ofthem Spanish-American republics which didn't want to get appointed onthat committee, because, when the Reparation Committee gets to work, practically all of them republics is going to come along with claimsfor smoke damages, bills for labor in connection with ripping out thefixtures of confiscated German steamers, loss of services of thePresidents of such republics by reason of tonsillitis from talking abouthow bravely they would have fought if they had raised an army and navywhich they didn't, y'understand, and any other claims against Germanywhich they think they might have had a chance to get by with. "

"Well, of course there is bound to be a lot of them small republicswhich is going to make a play for a little easy money, Mawruss, " Abesaid, "but the indications is that when the proofs of claims is filed bythe alleged creditors, y'understand, there would be a couple of themcomma hounds on the Reparation Committee which would reject such claimson the grounds of misplaced semicolons alone. Then six monthshafterwards, when the representative of one of them republics goes overto what used to was the office of the Peace Conference with a revisedproof of claim, which he has just received by return mail, understandme, he would find the premises temporarily occupied by one of themcrooked special-sale trunk concerns, and that's all there would _be_ toit. "

"Then you think that this here Peace Conference would only last sixmonths, Abe?" Morris asked. 

"Sure I do, " Abe replied, "and less, even, because right now already theinterest is beginning to die out, which it wouldn't surprise me in theslightest, Mawruss, if in three weeks or so, when Mr. Wilson istemporarily out of the cast on account of going home to America to signthe new tax bill, y'understand, the attendance of the delegates wouldbegin to fall off so bad, understand me, that the Peace Conferencemanagers would got to spend a lot of money for putting in advertisementsthat George Clemenceau presents:

 "'THE INTERNATIONAL PEACE CONFERENCE

The Unparalleled Success of Two Hemispheres

 'Enthralling' _Tribune_ 'Punch with a Kick in It' _Sun_ 'Vigor and Suspense' _World_ 'Wins Audience' _Globe_ 'Gripping' _Mail_ 'Ausgezeichnet' _Tageblatt_

 QUAI D'ORSAY

 Now. 

 Matinees, Saturday, 2:30. '"

"And even then they wouldn't get an audience, Abe, " Morris said, "because those kind of advertisements don't fool nobody but the suckerswhich pays for them, Abe. "

"Maybe not, " Abe agreed, "but if the delegates stays away, Mawruss, thePeace Conference could always get an audience by letting in thenewspaper correspondents, which I don't care if in addition to Mr. LordGeorge and Colonel House they would got performing at this here PeaceConference Douglas Fairbanks and Caruso, it wouldn't be a success as ashow, _anyhow_, because no theayter could get any audiences if theywould make it a policy to bar out the newspaper crickets. "

"Well, I'll tell you, " Morris began. "Nobody likes to read in newspapersmore than I do, Abe. They help to pass away many unpleasant minutes inthe Subway when a feller would otherwise be figuring on if God forbidthe brakes shouldn't hold what is going to become of his wife andchildren, y'understand; but, at the same time, from the way this herenewspaper feller which hogs our cigars is talking, Abe, I gather thatthe big majority of newspaper reporters now in Paris has got the ideathat this here Peace Conference is being held mainly to give newspaperreporters a chance to write home a lot of snappy articles about peaceconferences, past and present. Although, of course, there is certainmore or less liberal-minded newspaper men which think that if, incidentally, Mr. Wilson puts over the League of Nations and the Freedomof the Seas, why, they 'ain't got no serious objections, just so long asit don't involve talking the matter over privately without a couple ofhundred newspaper reporters present. "

"Sure, I know, " Abe said; "but if them newspaper fellers has got such anidee, Mawruss, it is Mr. Wilson's own fault, because ever since we gotinto the war, y'understand, Mr. Wilson has been talking about opencovenants of peace openly arrived at, and even before we went into thewar he got off the words 'pitiful publicity, ' and also it was him andnot the newspaper men which first give the readers of newspapers tounderstand that the old secret diplomacy was a thing of the past, Mawruss, so the consequences was that, when Mr. Wilson come over here, the owners of newspapers sent to Paris everybody that was working forthem--from dramatic crickets to baseball experts--just so long as theycould write the English language, y'understand, because themnewspaper-owners figured that, according to Mr. Wilson's ownsuggestions, this here Peace Conference was not only going to be awide-open affair, openly arrived at, y'understand, but also pitifullypublic, whereas not only it ain't wide open, Mawruss, but it is about aspitifully public as a conference between the members of the financialcommittee of Tammany Hall on the day before Election. Also, Mawruss, anewspaper reporter could arrive at that Peace Conference openly or hecould arrive at it disguised with false whiskers till his own wifewouldn't know him from a Jugo-Slob delegate, y'understand, and hecouldn't get past the elevator-starter even. "

"That was when the conference opened, " Morris said; "but I understandthey are now letting them into the next room and giving them once in awhile a look through the door during the supper turns when the Polackand Servian delegates is performing. "

"And that ain't going to do them a whole lot of good, neither, " Abedeclared, "because this here newspaper feller told me last night, whenhe was smoking my last cigar, that he has been mailing back an article aday to America ever since the President arrived here and there ain't notone of them which has got there yet. "

"And I was reading in the America edition of the Paris edition of theLondon edition of the Manchester, England, _Daily News_ that thenewspaper correspondents couldn't only send back a couple of hundredwords or so by telegraph, Abe, " Morris said, "which the way it looks tome, Abe, if some news don't find its way back to America pretty quickabout this here Peace Conference and Mr. Wilson, y'understand, peopleback home in Washington is going to say to each other, 'I wonderwhatever become of this here--now--Wilson?' and the friend is going tosay, '_What_ Wilson?' And the other feller would then say, 'Why, thishere Woodruff Wilson. ' And then the friend would say, 'Oh, HIM! Didn'the move away to Paris or something?' And the other feller would thensay, 'I see where Benny Leonard put up a wonderful fight in MadisonSquare Garden yesterday, ' and that's all there would be to THATconversation. "

"Maybe it is because of this, and not because of signing the new taxbill, that the President is going home in a few days for a short stayin America, " Abe suggested. 

"Sure, I know, " Morris agreed; "but what good is them short visits goingto do him, because I ain't such an optician like you are, Abe. I believethat this here Peace Conference is going to last a whole lot longer thansix months, Abe, and, if Mr. Wilson keeps on going home and coming back, maybe the first time he goes back he would get some little newspaperpublicity out of it, and the second time also, perhaps, but on the thirdwhen he returns from France only the Democratic newspapers would givehim more as half a column about it, and later on, when he lands from histhird to tenth trips, inclusive, all the notice the papers would takefrom it would be that in the ship's news on the ninth page there wouldbe a few lines saying that among those returning on the S. S. _GeorgeWashington_ was J. L. Abrahams, and so on through the B's, C's, and D'sright straight down to the W's, which you would got to read over severaltimes before you would discover the President tucked away as W. Wilsonbetween two fellers named Max Wangenheim and Abraham Welinsky. "

"There is something in what you say, Mawruss, " Abe admitted; "but, atthe same time, a big man like Mr. Wilson ain't looking to get nonewspaper notoriety. He is working to become famous. "

"Sure, I know, " Morris said; "but the only difference between notorietyand fame is that with notoriety you get the publicity now, whereas withfame you get the publicity fifty years from now, and the publicity whichMr. Wilson is going to get fifty years from now ain't going to help hima whole lot in the next presidential campaign. "

"Mr. Wilson ain't worrying about the next presidential campaign, Mawruss, " Abe declared. "What he is trying to do is to make a success ofthis here Peace Conference. "

"Then he would better get a press agent for it, " Morris observed, "because, if they don't get some more publicity, it will die on itsfeet. "

VI

JOINING THE LEGION OF HONOR

"I see where several Americans took advantage to join the Legion ofHonor while they was over here, " Morris Perlmutter remarked, as he satat luncheon with his partner, Abe Potash, in the restaurant of theirParis hotel. 

"Some people is crazy for life insurance, " Abe Potash commented, "inespecially if they could combine it with the privilege to make speechesat lodge-meetings. Also, Mawruss, a whole lot of people is so badlypredicted to the lapel-button habit that they would join anything justso long as they get a lapel-button to show for it. "

[Illustration: "a whole lot of people is so badly predicted to the lapelbutton habit they join anything"]

"But this here Legion of Honor must be a pretty good fraternal-insuranceproposition at that, " Morris observed, "because it says here in thepaper where several New York bankers has gone into it, which it's amighty hard thing to separate them fellers from their money even withfirst-class, A-number-one, gilt-edged, two-name commercial paper, and ifthis here Legion of Honor was just a lapel-button affair which assessedits members every time they had a death claim to pay, you could take itfrom me, Abe, not one of them bankers would of went near it, so maybeit would be a good thing if we looked into it, Abe. "

"If you want to join this here Legion of Honor, that's _your_ business, Mawruss, " Abe said, "but I already belong to the Independent OrderMattai Aaron, which I've been paying them crooks for three years nowthat I should get a sick benefit fifteen dollars a week without beinglaid up with so much as tonsillitis even. "

"About the sick benefit I wasn't thinking about at all, " Morrisdeclared; "but you take a feller like Sam Feder, president of theKosciusko Bank, for instance, and if we should be maybe next year alittle short and wanted an accommodation from two to three thousanddollars, y'understand, it wouldn't do us no harm if we could give himthe L. Of H. Grip for a starter. Am I right or wrong?"

"Say!" Abe exclaimed. "The chances is that when them New York bankersgets back to New York they will want to forget all about joining thishere L. Of H. "

"Why, what is there so disgraceful about joining the L. Of H. ?" Morrisasked. 

"Nobody said nothing about its being disgraceful, because lots ofdecent, respectable fellers is liable to make a mistake of that kind, understand me, " Abe said; "but _you_ take one of these here members ofthe firm of--we would say, for example, J. G. Morgan, y'understand, which comes back from Paris after joining this here L. Of H. , and whathappens him? The first morning he comes down to the office wearing anL. Of H. Button, Mawruss, everybody from the paying-teller up is goingto ask him what is the idea of the button, and he is going to spend therest of the day listening to stories about people joining insurancefraternities which busted up and left the members with undeterminedsentences of from three to five years, y'understand. The consequencewould be that if any of his depositors expect to get an accommodation bygiving him the L. Of H. Grip or wearing an L. Of H. Button, y'understand, they might just so well send him an invitation to abanquet where, in order to gain his confidence and respect, they aregoing to drink champagne out of an actress's slipper, and be done withit. Am I right or wrong?"

"Well, you couldn't exactly blame them fellers which joined the L. OfH. , " Morris observed, "because Paris has a very funny effect on some ofthe most level-headed Americans which goes there without their familiesand business associates, which if this here League of Nations had beenfixed up at a Peace Conference held somewheres down on Lower Broadwayinstead of the Quai d'Orsay, Abe, the chances is that the United StatesSenate would of had a whole lot more confidence in it than they have atpresent. "

"Say!" Abe explained. "This here League of Nations could of been pulledoff in Paris or it could of been pulled off in a respectableneighborhood like Prospect Park West, Brooklyn, Mawruss, for all thespare time it gave the fellers which framed it to indulge in any wildnight life. Take, for instance, the proposed constitution and by-laws, which was printed on three pages of the newspaper the other day, Mawruss, and anybody which dictated that _megillah_ to a stenographerwould be too hoarse for weeks afterwards to order so much as a plainBenedictine. Also, Mawruss, nobody which didn't lead a blameless lifecould have a brain clear enough to _understand_ the thing, let alonecomposing it, which last night I sat up till two o'clock this morningreading them twenty-six articles, Mawruss, and ten grains of asperinhardly touched the headache which I got from it. "

"Naturally, " Morris said, "because when Mr. Wilson wrote thatconstitution, Abe, he figured that people which is going to read it hasgot a better education as one year in night school. "

"Sure, I know, " Abe agreed, satirically, "but at the same time everybodyain't such a natural-born Harvard gradgawate like you are, Mawruss, andfurthermore, Mawruss, it's a big mistake for Mr. Wilson to go ahead onthe idea that we _are_, y'understand, because, so far as I remember it, the Constitution of the United States didn't say that this was agovernment of the college gradgawates by the college gradgawates for thecollege gradgawates, y'understand; neither did the Declaration ofIndependence start in by saying, 'We, the college gradgawates of theUnited States, ' Mawruss. The consequences is that most of usingeramusses which has got one vote apiece, even around last Novemberalready, begun to feel neglected, and you could take it from me, Mawruss, if Mr. Wilson tries to win the confidence of the Americanpeople with a few more of them documents with the twin-six words inthem, y'understand, by the time he gets ready to run for Presidentagain, Mawruss, the only people which is going to vote for him would bethe Ph. D. And A. M. Fellers. "

"Well, Mawruss, " Abe said, a few days after the conversation above setforth, "I see that President Wilson got back to America after a roughpassage. "

"Was he seasick?" Morris asked. 

"Not a day, " Abe replied. 

"Then that accounts for it, " Morris commented. 

"Accounts for what?" Abe asked. 

"Doctor Grayson being an admiral, " Morris replied, "which a couple ofyears ago, when Mr. Wilson appointed Doctor Grayson to be an admiralover the heads of a couple of hundred fellers which had been captains ofships for years already, a lot of people got awful sore about it, andnow it appears that he got the appointment because he can cureseasickness. "

"I suppose if Doctor Grayson could cure locomotive ataxia the Presidentwould of appointed him Director-General of Railroads, " Abe remarked. 

"For my part, Abe, " Morris said, "if I had a good doctor like DoctorGrayson attending me, and it was necessary to appoint him to somethingin order to keep him, Abe, I would appoint him a field-marshal, just solong as he could make me comfortable on an Atlantic trip inwinter-time. "

"But there isn't no office in the army or navy that President Wilsoncould appoint Doctor Grayson to which would have been a big enoughreward if Doctor Grayson could have made the President feel comfortablein Washington when he got there, Mawruss, " Abe said, "which I see by thepaper this morning that thirty-seven United States Senators, coming fromevery state in the Union except Missouri, suddenly discovered they wasfrom Missouri, in particular the Senator from Massachusetts, and notonly does them Senators want to know what the meaning of thatconstitution of the League of Nations means, but they also give noticethat, _whatever_ it means, they are going to knife it, _anyway_. "

"Sure, I know, " Morris said; "they're like a lot of business men you andme has had experience with, Abe. They claim a shortage and kick aboutthe quality of the shipment before they even start to unpack the goods. Why don't they wait till Mr. Wilson goes back and finishes up his job?"

"They haven't got the time, " Abe replied, "because the session ends onMarch 4th at noon, just about twenty-four hours before Admiral Graysonis paying his first professional call on President Wilson aboard the_George Washington_, and by the time Congress gets together againPresident Wilson expects to have the League of Nations proposition sewedup so tight that there will be nothing left for them Senators to do butto indorse it. "

"But, as I understand it, them Senators just loafed away their timeduring the end of the session and didn't pass a whole lot of laws whichthey should ought to have passed, Abe, so that it will be necessary forPresident Wilson to call an extra session in a few days, " Morris said. 

"That's what them Senators figured, " Abe agreed, "but they was mistaken, Mawruss, because the President ain't going to run any chances of beinginterrupted while he is working on this here Peace Conference by S O Smessages from Washington to please come home if he wants to save_anything_ out of the wreck Congress is making of the inside of theCapitol. "

"But I thought that before he went to Europe in the first place, Abe, President Wilson said to Congress that it wouldn't make any differenceto them about his being in Europe, because he was in close touch withthem, and that the cables and the wireless would make him available justas though he was still living in the White House, " Morris said. 

"Sure, I know, " Abe agreed; "but the trouble with that situation wasthat it 'ain't been discovered by the inventors yet how a President canshake hands with a Senator by wireless or how he can sit down to dinnerby wireless with a few Congressmen and make them feel that he is theirone best friend. Also, Mawruss, it comes high even for a President tosend cable messages to a Senator which he thinks is getting sore aboutsomething, such cable messages being in the nature of: 'Hello, Henry, what's the good word? Why is it I 'ain't seen you up to the White Houselately, Henry?' or, 'Where have you been keeping yourself lately, Henry?' or, 'Mrs. Lodge and the children all right, Henry?' or somethinglike that. "

"Say, for that matter, Abe, " Morris observed, "President Wilson neverdid a whole lot of jollying when he could have done it over thetelephone at unlimited local-service rates. In fact, from what I haveseen of Mr. Wilson, he looks to me like a man who would find it a wholelot easier to be easy in his manner toward Congressmen by wireless or bycable than face to face. "

"Well, you couldn't blame Mr. Wilson exactly, Mawruss, " Abe said, "because, up to the time he became Governor of New Jersey, his idea ofbeing a good mixer was to get together with a couple of LL. D. 's and situp till pretty near nine o'clock knocking the trustees, y'understand. Infact, up to the time he resigned from being president of PrincetonCollege, life to Mr. Wilson was just correcting one examination paperafter another, all of which 'ain't got nothing to do with this hereLeague of Nations being a good thing, Mawruss, " Abe declared. 

"And it don't affect the fact that Mr. Wilson is a high-grade, A-number-one gentleman, which is doing the best he knows how to makegood to his country, Abe, " Morris declared. 

"Did I say he wasn't?" Abe asked. 

"Then what are you dragging up his past life for?" Morris demanded. 

"What do you mean--dragging up his past life?" Abe rejoined. "The wayyou talk, Mawruss, you would think that being president of a collegecome in two degrees, like grand larceny, and had to be lived downthrough the guilty party getting the respect of the community by yearsof honest work. "

"Say, lookyhere, Abe, " Morris protested, "don't try to twist thingsaround till it looks like I was knocking Mr. Wilson, and not you. "

"I am knocking President Wilson!" Abe exclaimed. "Why, I've got thegreatest respect for Mr. Wilson, and always did, Mawruss, but it wouldbe foolish not to admit that the practice which a President of theUnited States gets in being a college professor is more useful to him inframing up a first-class, A-number-one League of Nations than it is ingetting his political enemies to accept it. Am I wright or wrong?"

"Maybe he would have got them to accept it if he had stayed in touchwith them personally and managed the Peace Conference by wireless andcable, " Morris suggested. 

"He probably figured that if he wanted to put over this here League ofNations it was more necessary for him to be on the job in France than onthe job in America, " Abe said. 

"Well, " Morris commented, "the next time the United States of Americahas a Peace Conference on its hands, Abe, the President will have to bea copartnership instead of an individual, with one member of the firm inWashington and the other in Paris. "

"But what would Admiral Grayson do?" Abe asked. "He couldn't be in twoplaces at the same time. "

"Probably the Washington President could find a bright young physicianin the Treasury Department, " Morris concluded, "and promote him to thehonorary title and salary of Comptroller of the Currency. "

VII

SOME CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENTS FOR THE KAISER

"I see where an American army officer reports that he has investigatedinto the food situation in Germany and that the German people looksthin, " Abe Potash observed to his partner, Morris Perlmutter. 

"That's already German propoganda, Abe, " Morris said. "Word come downfrom headquarters that the German people should look thin in order toget the sympathy of the American officer, so they looked thin, y'understand. "

Abe shrugged his shoulders. "Maybe you're right, Mawruss, " he said, "butall I could say is that them German propoganders which has charge ofmaking the German people look thin is wasting their time in Germany, because there is plenty people in America which would make thempropoganders rich for life if they would only come over to New York andopen an office for giving reduction propoganda at a thousand dollars atreatment. "

"Well, I'll tell you, " Morris said; "ordinarily, if the German peoplelooked thin you would believe them. Also, before the war, if somebodywent to Germany and people asked him when he come back how was theweather there, he didn't say, 'Unless they was putting one over on me, it was snowing, ' y'understand, but to-day it's different. Nobody has gotno confidence in the Germans nowadays. In fact, even the Germansthemselves is losing confidence in them. Take Berlin, for instance, andevery week the Spartacist, or Red, government has got the support of thepeople from 9:30 A. M. Tuesday until 6 P. M. Thursday, when the Germanpeople begins to lose confidence in them, so that by 8:30 A. M. Fridaythe Coalition, or Yellow, government comes into power. The Coalition, orYellow, government then keeps the confidence of the people until Sundaymidnight, when, under the influence of the Sunday night _ErsatDelicatessen_ supper, the Germans starts in to suspect that everythingain't right with the Yellow government, neither, so back they go to theRed government, and they seize Police Headquarters, the Bureau ofAssessments and Arrears, and desk room in the office of the DeputyCommissioner of Water-supply, Gas, and Electricity, and that's the wayit goes. "

"It's a funny thing to me why them colored German governments alwaysstarts a revolution by seizing Police Headquarters, Mawruss, " Abecommented. 

"That's the way they finance the revolution, " Morris replied; "because Iunderstand that the night life in Berlin has been going on the same asusual, revolution or no revolution, Abe, which I bet yer that as soonas the new chief of police is appointed by the Red or Yellow government, as the case may be, he don't waste no time, but he right away sends outplain-clothes men to the proprietors of them Berlin all-nightrestaurants with positive instructions to close all restaurants ateleven sharp and not to accept nothing but gold coin of the presentstandard of weight and fineness. "

"And yet it used to be thought that when it comes to graft, Mawruss, German officials was like Cæsar's ghost, " Abe observed--"abovesuspicion. "

"That's only another way of them impressions about Germany which usAmericans has had reversed on us, Abe, " Morris said, "which the way ouridees about what kind of a people the Germans used to was has changed, Mawruss, it wouldn't surprise me in the least if the old habit theGermans had for drinking beer was just a bluff, y'understand, and thatat heart they was prohibitionists to a man. In fact, Abe, if I would bea German Bolshevik with instructions to shoot the Kaiser on sight, Ishould go gunning for a short, stout man with a tooth-brush mustache anda holy horror of wearing uniforms, because it's my opinion that all themso-called portraits of the Kaiser was issued for the purpose ofmisleading anarchists to shoot at a thin man in a heavily embroidereduniform with spike-end mustaches. "

"Well, whatever he looks like, Mawruss, " Abe said, "if I was him, rather than have such a terrible fate hanging over me, y'understand, Iwould telegraph to Berlin for them to send along a good shot while theywas about it, and have the thing over with quick, Mawruss. "

"Say!" Morris exclaimed. "You and me should have hanging over us thelife which the Kaiser is going to lead from now on! For two hundred andfifty dollars a week at a Pallum Beach hotel you could only get a verysmall idea of the hardships the Kaiser will got to undergo in thefuture, Abe. "

"But do you mean to told me that after what happened to that Englishlady in Brussels and the captain of the English mail-boat, Mawruss, theEnglish ain't going to persecute the Kaiser?" Abe demanded. 

"_You_--the English would persecute the Kaiser!" Morris exclaimed. "Don't you know that the Kaiser's mother was the King of England'sfather's sister? Do you suppose for a moment that the King of Englandwants a convict in the family?"

"Well, has he got any _mishbocha_ in France, Mawruss?" Abe asked. "Because if not, Mawruss, it seems to me that now, while all thewitnesses is in Paris, it wouldn't be a bad idea to get the March termof the Paris County grand jury to hand down an indictment for murderwith intent to kill or something. "

"That sounds reasonable to anybody not connected with this here PeaceConference, Abe, " Morris admitted, "but it seems that the Committee forFixing Responsibility says that if they was to hang or shoot the Kaiserit would give him an awful drag with the German people, and they don'twant the Kaiser to get popular again, dead or alive. Their idea is topunish him by letting him live on to be an outcast among all the peopleof the earth, except the proprietors of first-class European hotels, dealers in high-grade automobiles, expensive jewelry storekeepers, fashionable tailors, and a couple of million other people who don'tattach an awful lot of importance to the moral character of anybodywhich wants to enjoy life and has got the money to do it with. In otherwords, Abe, they claim that, in leaving the Kaiser to his conscience andhis bank-account they are punishing him a whole lot worse as hanging himor shooting him. "

"And I suppose that same committee is going to sentence von Tirpitz tosix months at Monte Carlo, while Ludendorff will probably be confined toa Ritz hotel eight hours a day for the rest of his natural life, " Abesuggested. 

"The committee claims not, " Morris replied. "It seems that the Kaiser'sministers--like von Tirpitz and Ludendorff--is going to get what iscoming to them, on the grounds that they are guilty of violations ofinternational law and 'ain't got no relations among the royal familiesof England or Italy. "

"But why not bring the whole fleet over to America, and let theauthorities dispose of them there?" Abe inquired. 

"The Kaiser would be just as much a martyr if he was sentenced inAmerica as in Europe, " Morris replied. 

"Who says anything about sentencing him?" Abe demanded. "All it would benecessary to do would be to swear out a warrant against him and leavethe rest to a couple of headquarters detectives, which, naturally, whenthem fellers would tell him to come along with them, the Kaiser wouldtechnically resist the arrest by asking what for. This would mean at thevery least ten stitches in his scalp, Mawruss, not reckoning a couple ofbroken ribs or so when the fingerprints was taken, and, while itwouldn't be only a starter in the way of punishment, he would anyhowfind out that it is one thing to be actually engaged in a modern battle, and that looking at it through a high-power telescope while sitting in abomb-proof limousine six miles away is absolutely something else again. Later on, Mawruss, when a New York police-court lawyer visited him inhis cell after the Kaiser had lunched on bread and water and thepolice-court lawyer on what used to be called _Koenigsburger Klops_ andis now known as Liberty Roast, understand me, the Kaiser would get justan inkling of what it means to be caught in a gas attack without agas-mask. "

"You talk like you would got a little experience in the way of sittingin prison yourself, Abe, " Morris commented. 

"I am giving you what practically happened to a feller by the nameImmerglick which was arrested by mistake on account the police thoughthe looked like an Italian who was wanted for barrel murder, Mawruss, "Abe exclaimed, "and if the police behaves this way to a perfect strangerwhich is innocent at that, Mawruss, you could imagine what them fellerswould do to a well-known guilty party like the Kaiser. But that'sneither here nor there, Mawruss. What I am trying to do is to work out apunishment proposition for the Kaiser which would get by with such asensitive bunch as this here committee to place responsibility seems tobe. "

"Go ahead and have a good time with your pipe-dream, Abe, " Morris said. "You couldn't make me feel bad, no matter what happens to the Kaiser inyour imagination. "

"Well, " Abe continued, "after he is through with trying to get rid ofthe police-court lawyer, Mawruss, he should ought to be arranged beforethe magistrate in a traffic court, y'understand, and should be accusedof driving at the rate of twenty-two miles an hour, which is two milespast the legal speed limit, and then he would find out that all themcommandants of Ruhleben and the other German prison camps wasn't evennew beginners in the art of making prisoners feel cheap, because youtake one of these here traffic-court magistrates which has had years ofexperience bawling out respectable sitsons who has got the misfortune toown automobiles, Mawruss, and what such a feller wouldn't do tohumilitate the Kaiser, y'understand, ain't even dreamt of in Germanprison camps yet. "

"I see you still feel sore about getting fined twenty-five dollars fordriving like a maniac down at Far Rockaway last summer Abe, " Morriscommented. 

"How I feel or how I don't feel hain't got nothing to do with it, Mawruss, " Abe retorted. "And furthermore, Mawruss, any motor-cyclepoliceman which has got the nerve to swear that he could tell inside oftwo miles an hour how fast somebody is driving, understand me, is guiltyof perjury on the face of it, which I told the judge. 'Judge, yourHonor, ' I says, 'I admit I was going fast, ' I says, 'but--'"

"Excuse me, " Morris interrupted, "but I thought you was talking abouthow to punish the Kaiser, ain't it, which, while I admit you got somepretty good ideas on the subject, Abe, still at the same time there isplenty of ways that the Kaiser could get punished in America withoutgoing to the trouble and expense of arresting him first, Abe. There is awhole lot of experiences which the American people pays to go throughjust once, y'understand, which if the Kaiser could be persuaded to takethem all on, one after the other, Abe, his worst enemies would got topity him. Supposing, for instance, he would start off with one of themelectric vibrating face massages, Abe, and if he comes through it alive, y'understand, he would then be hustled off to one of these herestrong-arm bunkopathic physicians, which charges five dollars for thefirst visit and never has to quote rates for the second or third visits, because once is plenty, y'understand. "

"But I thought the idea was not to let anybody have any sympathy for theKaiser, Mawruss, " Abe broke in. 

"Plenty of fellers I know goes to these here near-doctors, " Morrisdeclared, "and nobody has got any sympathy for them, neither. Also, Abe, I 'ain't got no sympathy for anybody who goes to these here restaurantswhere they run off a cabarattel review, Abe, and yet it's a terriblepunishment at that, so there's another tip for you if you want any moreideas for making the Kaiser suffer. "

"Say, when it comes right down to it, Mawruss, and if you don't want toshow the feller no mercy at all, y'understand, " Abe said, "what's thematter with making him see some of them war plays they was putting on inNew York last winter?"

"Why only _war_ plays?" Morris asked. "I sat through a couple musicalshows last winter without the option of a fine, y'understand, and itwould be a good thing if the Kaiser could see performances likethat--just to make him realize that in losing his throne, y'understand, he has no longer got the power to order the actors shot, together withthe composer and the man that wrote the jokes. "

"But the biggest punishment of all you 'ain't even hinted at yet, " Abesaid, "and it's a punishment which thousands of Americans is gettingright now without no sympathy from nobody, which its name is:

"'Form 1040. United States Internal Revenue Service

 INDIVIDUAL INCOME TAX RETURN

 For Net Incomes of More than $5, 000

 FOR CALENDAR YEAR, 1918. '

Also, Mawruss, when you consider what the Kaiser done, Mawruss, I askyou is it too much that the Committee on Fixing Responsibility shouldorder him starved to death or talked to death or any other slow andpainful death, because such a fate is going to be a happy one comparedwith the thousands of decent, respectable American business men which isheaded straight for an insane-asylum, trying to fill out

"'(a) Totals taxable at 1918 rates (see instructions page 2 under C). 

 (b) Totals taxable at 1917 rates (see instructions, included in K (a) page 2). 

 (c) Amount of stock dividends (column 4) taxable at 1916 rates (enter as 20). '"

"Well, after all, Abe, " Morris said, "there's one worser punishment youcould hand out the Kaiser than filling out this here income tax. "

"What's that?" Abe inquired. 

"Paying it, " Morris said. 

VIII

IT ENTERS ON ITS NO-GOLD-CASKET PHASE

"When a feller gets his name in the papers as often as Mr. Wilson, Mawruss, it don't take long for them highwaymen to get on to him, " AbePotash remarked, shortly after Mr. Wilson's return to Paris. 

"What highwaymen?" Morris inquired. 

"Them presidents of orphan-asylums and homes, " Abe said, "and in a wayit serves Mr. Wilson right, Mawruss, because, instead of keeping it tohimself that he got stuck over four thousand dollars for tips alonewhile he was in France, y'understand, as soon as he arrived in Boston hegoes to work and blabs the whole thing to newspaper reporters, and youcould take it from me, Mawruss, that for the next six months Mr. Wilsonwould be flooded with letters from Associations for the Relief ofIndignant Armenians, Homes for Chronic Freemasons, and who knows whatelse. So therefore you take this here Carter H. Glass, Mawruss, and henaturally comes to the conclusion that Mr. Wilson is an easy mark, because--"

"Excuse me, Abe, " Morris interrupted, coldly, "but who do you thinkthis here Carter H. Glass is, anyway?"

"I don't know, " Abe went on, "but whoever he is he probably figured thatif he was going to get turned down he would anyhow get turned down big, because it says here in the paper that he cables Mr. Wilson he shouldplease let him have three million dollars for this here Bureau forPaying Allowances to the Relations of Soldiers and--"

"Listen, Abe, " Morris said, "if you wouldn't know who Carter H. Glass isafter paying twelve per cent. On all you made over four thousand dollarslast year, y'understand, nothing that I could say would ever learn you, so therefore I 'ain't got no expectations that you are going to rememberit when I tell you that this here Carter H. Glass is Secretary of theTreasurer, and when he cabled Mr. Wilson for three million dollars, itain't so hopeless like it sounds. Also, Abe, while Mr. Wilson gives itout to the papers that he got stung four thousand dollars for tips, italso appears in the papers that he came home with a few gold caskets andthings, not to mention one piece of tapestry which the French governmentpresented him with, valued at two hundred thousand dollars alone, y'understand, and if that kind of publicity is going to give Mr. Wilsona reputation as an easy giver-up, Abe, all I can say is that thecollectors for orphan-asylums and homes don't read the papers no morecarefully than you do, Abe. "

"But why should the Secretary of the United States Treasury got totouch Mr. Wilson for?" Abe demanded. "Every day the people of the UnitedStates is paying into the United States Treasury millions and millionsdollars income-tax money and all the President owns is a few goldcaskets which he got presented with, and maybe a little tapestry, y'understand. What's the matter with that feller Carter H. Glass? Is heafraid he is going to run short if he spends a couple million dollars orso? Has he lost his nerve or something?"

"Well, I'll tell you, Abe, " Morris began. "The Secretary of the Treasury'ain't got such a cinch like some people think, y'understand. If theBureau for Paying Allowances to the Relations of Soldiers send over andasks the Secretary of the Treasury to be so good and let 'em have for afew days three million dollars, understand me, you would naturally thinkthat it is one of them dead open-and-shut, why-certainly propositions. The impression you have is that the Secretary grabs ahold of the 'phoneand says to the head of stock to look on the third shelf from theelevator shaft is there any more of them million-dollar bills with thepicture of Rutherford B. Hayes on 'em left, and if not, to send Jake upwith three hundred of them three-by-seven-inch ten-thousand-dollarbills, and that's all there is to it. But as a matter of fact he doesn'tdo nothing of the kind, because nobody could get any money out of theSecretary of the Treasury except by an act of Congress. "

"Well, it's nothing against Mr. Glass that he is such a tight-wad, Mawruss, because that's the kind of man to have as Secretary of theTreasurer, Mawruss, which supposing they had one of them easy-come, easy-go fellers for Secretary of the Treasurer, Mawruss--somebody whowould fall for every hard-luck story he hears, y'understand, and howlong is it going to be before the police is asking him what did he donewith it all?" Abe said. "So, for my part, Mawruss, they could abuse Mr. Glass all they want to, y'understand, but I would be just as wellsatisfied, so far as my income taxes is concerned, if the only way youcould get money out of him was by a miracle instead of an act ofCongress. Am I right or wrong?"

"Do me the favor, Abe, " Morris said, "and don't talk a lot of nonsenseabout a subject about which you don't know nothing about, because when Isay that nobody could get money out of Carter H. Glass except by an actof Congress, y'understand, I ain't talking poetical in a manner ofspeaking. They must actually got to got and act of Congress beforeanybody could get any money out of the Secretary of the Treasury, nomatter if Mr. Glass would be the most generous feller in existence, which, for all I know, he _might_ be. So, therefore, Abe, when Congressadjourned without passing the acts which was necessary in order that theSecretary of the Treasury should pay the railroads seven hundred andfifty million dollars to keep 'em going, y'understand, not to mentionsuch chicken-feed like three million dollars for this here Soldiers'Relations Bureau and the like, it leaves the country practically brokewith seven or eight billion dollars in the bank. _Now_ do you understandwhat I am driving into?"

"I think I do, " Abe said, "but explain it to me just as if I didn't, because what is a mystery to me is, why did Congress adjourn withoutpassing them acts, Mawruss?"

"They did it to put Mr. Wilson in bad on account he went to Europewithout calling an extra session, " Morris said. 

"I thought Congress got paid by the year and not by the session, " Aberemarked. 

"So they do, " Morris continued, "but they said they wanted to stay insession while Mr. Wilson was in Europe to _help_ him, and Mr. Wilsonthought they wanted to stay in session while he was in Europe to knockhim, and he said: 'Watch! I'll fix them fellers, ' and _they_ said:'Watch! _We'll_ fix that feller. ' And between the two of them, therailroads is left dry and high, the War Risks Bureau claims that theycould only keep going for a week or so, the Soldiers' Relations peopleis sending out J O S signals, and that's the way it goes. "

"And who do you think is right, Mawruss?" Abe asked. "Mr. Wilson orCongress?"

"Well, I ain't exactly prepared to say, y'understand, " Morris replied, "but it's a question in my mind whether or not there ain't just so muchneed for a Peace Conference in Washington as there is in Paris, and ifso, Abe, whether Mr. Wilson ain't at the wrong Peace Conference. "

"So far as that goes, Mawruss, " Abe said, "he might just so well be inWashington as in Paris, because the tapestry and gold-casket period ofthis here Conference is already a thing of the past, which I see thatMr. Wilson ain't even staying with the Murats no longer. "

"Naturally, " Morris said, "after the way this here Murat went aroundtalking about the League of Nations. "

"Why, I thought he was in favor of it!" Abe said. 

"He was in favor of it, " Morris said, "up to the time Mr. Wilson andLord George had the conference with the Jugo-Slobs where they laid outthe frontiers by making the ink-bottle represent Bessarabia and themucilage-bottle Macedonia. When Murat saw the library carpet the nextmorning, he began to say that, after all, why shouldn't France controlher own foreign policy. "

"I don't blame him, " Abe commented. 

"Later on the Polish National Committee called on Mr. Wilson and wasshown into the parlor before the butler had a chance to put the slipcovers on the furniture, " Morris continued, "and that very evening Muratwent around saying that if France was going to have to police thecorridor through West Prussia to Dantzig, he was against articlesfourteen to twenty, both inclusive, of the League constitution, andwhere could he find a good dry-cleaner. "

"That don't surprise me, neither, " Abe remarked. 

"But it wasn't till the President's body-guard of secret-service men hadan all-night stud-poker session in the yellow guest-room that heactually made speeches against the League of Nations, " Morris went on, "and at that, the room will never look the same again. "

"I wonder if there ain't some kind of property-damage insurance that hecould have took out against a thing happening like that?" Abespeculated. 

"I don't know, " Morris said, "but if there is, you can bet your lifethat this here Mrs. Bischoffsheim, where the President is staying now, has got it. "

"And she is going to need it, Mawruss, " Abe said, "because what the besthome-trained men do with cigarettes and fountain-pens, when their mindsare occupied with business matters, ain't calculated to improve theappearance of a bar-room, neither. "

"Say!" Morris commented. "The President _oser_ cares what his address isin Paris, but I'll bet you he is doing a lot of thinking as to what itis going to be in Washington after March 4, 1921. "

"It ain't a question of who is going to move _out_ of the White House, Mawruss, " Abe said. "What people in America is wondering is, Who isgoing to move _in_, which right now there is a couple of generals, fiveor six Senators, and a banker or so which is figuring on not renewingthe leases of their apartments beyond March 3, 1921, in case they shouldbe obliged to go to Washington for four years, or maybe eight. "

"Lots of things can happen before the next presidential election, "Morris said. 

"That's what these Senators and generals thinks, " Abe agreed, "and inthe mean time, Mawruss, nobody has got to press them a whole lot tospeak at dinners and conventions, which I see that a general made aspeech at a meeting in memory of Grover Cleveland the other day where hedidn't refer once to Mr. Wilson, but said that Mr. Cleveland wasn't anexpert at verbal messages and believed in the Monroe Doctrine. "

"Well, suppose the general did say that, " Morris said. "What of it?"

"Nothing of it, " Abe replied; "but on the other hand, if this heregeneral had gone a bit farther, understand me, and said that GroverCleveland never refused to meet Judge Cohalan at the Metropolitan OperaHouse and as a general rule didn't act cold toward a Sinn Feincommittee, Mawruss, you would got to admit that such remarks is anyhowsuspicious, ain't it?"

"All it is suspicious of to me, Abe, " Morris said, "is that if such ageneral has got ambitions to be President, y'understand, he ain't goingthe right way about it, because fashions in opinions changes likefashions in garments, Abe. At this day and date nobody could tell nomore about what the people of the United States is going to think inthe fall of 1920 as what they are going to wear in the fall of 1920, which it would of been a whole lot better for the general's prospects ifhe would of said that Grover Cleveland was just as expert at verbalmessages as another great American and believed just as strongly in aLeague of Nations. In fact, Abe, if there was, Heaven forbid, a chanceof me being nominated for President in 1920, I would lay pipes forclaiming that it was me that suggested the whole idea of the League ofNations to President Wilson in the first place. Am I right or wrong?"

"You're right about the Heaven forbid part, anyway, " Abe commented. 

"Because, " Morris continued, as though he had not heard theinterruption, "what between the people who are willing to take PresidentWilson's word for it and the people who ain't willing to take a UnitedStates Senator's word for anything, y'understand, this here League ofNations looks like a pretty safe proposition for any politician to tieup to, and it wouldn't surprise me in the least if even some of themSenators which signed the round robin would be claiming just before the1920 National Conventions that they was never what you might callactually against a League of Nations except, as one might say, in amanner of speaking, if you know what I mean. Also, Abe, these hereSenators which is now acting like they would have sworn a solemn oath, in addition to the usual amount of swearing about such things, thatthey would never ratify this here League of Nations, y'understand, arealready beginning to say that they wouldn't ratify it anyhow in itspresent form, understand me, and before they got through, Abe, you couldtake it from me, that when it finally comes up for ratification themsame Senators is going to go over it again carefully and find that ithas been amended by inserting two commas in Article two and a semicolonin Article twenty-five, and a glad shout of 'Oh, well, this is somethingelse again!' will go up, understand me, and after they vote tounanimously ratify it they will be telling each other that all you haveto do is to make a firm stand against Mr. Wilson and he will back rightdown. "

"The way it looks to me, Mawruss, " Abe commented, "the back-down is onthe other foot. "

"It's fifty-fifty, Abe, because, when the President gets his back up, the Senate starts to back down, " Morris concluded, "and _vice versa_. "

IX

WORRYING SHOULD BEGIN AT HOME, AIN'T IT?

"I see where the Italian delegates to the Peace Conference says that ifItaly don't get Fiume, Mawruss, there would be a revolution in Italy, "Abe Potash remarked to his partner, Morris Perlmutter. 

"Any excuse is better than none, " Morris Perlmutter commented, "which itis very clear to me, Abe, that with the example of Poland in front ofthem, the Italians being also a musical people and seeing that Polandhas got it a first-class A-number-one pianist like Paderewski for aPresident, y'understand, they are taking the opportunity of Fiume to putin Caruso or Scotti or one of them fellers as President. "

"They would got to offer their Presidents an awful big salary if theyexpect to compete with the Metropolitan Opera House, Mawruss, " Abe said. 

"If Poland could do it, Abe, why couldn't Italy?" Morris said. "WhichPaderewski didn't have to tune pianos on the side to make a living overhere, neither, Abe, and, besides, Abe, if they would let Caruso have afree hand in the formation of his Cabinet, he would probably get a goodbarytone for Secretary of State, a basso for Secretary of Commerce andLabor, De Luca for Secretary of the Treasury, Martinelli for Secretaryof War, and draw on the Chicago Opera Company for Secretaries of theNavy, the Interior, and Agriculture. After that, Abe, all the Italiangovernment would got to do would be to move the capital to Milan andhold open sessions of the Cabinet at the Scala with a full orchestra, and they could take in from ten to twenty thousand dollars at the door, daily, in particular if they was to advertise that Caruso wouldpositively appear at every session of the Cabinet, y'understand. "

"But, joking to one side, Mawruss, " Abe declared, "while personally Igot to admit that up to a short time ago, for all I knew about Fiume, y'understand, if somebody would of said to me suddenly, 'Fiume, ' I wouldhave said, 'Fiume yourself, you dirty loafer!' and the chances is therewould have been a fight then and there, understand me. Still, I couldn'thelp thinking that as between old friends like the Italians and perfectstrangers like the Jugo-Slobs, y'understand, Italy should ought to haveFiume and anything else she wants within reason and even a couple ofplaces not within reason, if she wants them that bad. "

"In deciding these things, Abe, " Morris said, "Mr. Wilson couldn'tconsider prejudice. "

"No?" Abe retorted. "Well, could he consider who discovered America? AJugo-Slob, I suppose, what? But never mind going so far back asChristopher Columbus, Mawruss. Take our best workmen right in our ownshop, Mawruss--them Tonies and them Roccos with all the time a pleasantsmile no matter how hard we work them, and what are they? Jugo-Slobs orItalians? Take it in the city of New York alone, and do we get therehalf a million Jugo-Slobs or half a million Italians? I am asking you?Also, Mawruss, I suppose the American people is crazy to see Jugo-Slobopera, with wonderful Jugo-Slob singers and composed by Jugo-Slobcomposers, ain't it? Furthermore, Mawruss, when you want to give yourwife a treat, you take her out and blow her to a good Jugo-Slob _tabled'hôte_, one dollar and a half including wine--what?"

"Listen, Abe, " Morris protested, "I didn't say a word that Italyshouldn't have Fiume. "

"I know you didn't, " Abe said, "but there's a whole lot of people whichdoes, Mawruss, and how they expect to use it for an argument to get themillions of Italians in America to subscribe to the next Victory Loan, Mawruss, may be perfectly clear to them, Mawruss, but _I_ couldn't seeit and I doubt if them millions of Italians will be able to see it, neither. "

"Probably you ain't wrong exactly, " Morris said, "but whichever way Mr. Wilson thinks is the best for the good of Europe, Abe, that's the way hewould decide it about Fiume. "

"Well, I'll tell you, Mawruss, " Abe observed, "while I consider thatEurope, excepting the coffee they give you for breakfast, is ahigh-grade continent, taking it by and large, still at the same time Iain't so fanatical about it that if I would be President Wilson, Iwouldn't once in a while give America a look-in also. Furthermore, Mawruss, admitting that Mr. Wilson is acting wonderful in the way he isunselfish about America, y'understand, and that he would probably godown in history as a great and good man, y'understand, he should oughtto watch out that he don't act _too_ unselfish about America, Mawruss, otherwise he would be going down as a great and good man in French andEnglish history and not in American history. "

"There is even some people which figures that he would be a great man inthe history of the world even, " Morris interrupted. 

"Sure, I know, " Abe said, "and that's the trouble with a whole lot ofpeople these days, Mawruss. They are figuring on world propositions, andwhat goes on in the next block don't interest them at all. Worryingshould begin at home, Mawruss, whereas with them world thinkers theycouldn't get really and truly anxious about the way things is goinganywheres nearer to the Woolworth Building than the Nevski Prospekt. 'Ain't you ashamed of yourselves to be kicking about not having a job, 'they says to the returning American soldiers, 'when thousands of muzhiksin Ukrania is idle. ' And they go to work and collect dollar after dollarfor milk to feed Czecho-Slovak babies, with sixty cents after sixtycents overhead on the collection, y'understand, while right here in NewYork City families with an income of eighteen dollars a week has got topay twenty cents a quart for grade B milk when the milk-wagon driversain't on strike. "

"People has become European-Americans from reading too much newspapersnowadays, Abe, " Morris said, "which in these times of one newspapertrying to show the others how much more money it is spending for foreigncables, y'understand, if you want to see who is murdered in your owntown, understand me, you are liable to find a couple of lines about it'most any part of the paper except in the first four pages, and theconsequences is that people gets the impression from reading the papersthat a strike in Berlin is ever so much more important than a strike inHoboken for the simple reason that as the Berlin strike cost thenewspaper proprietor several hundred dollars for cables, he put it onthe front page, whereas the strike in Hoboken only cost him seven centscar fare for the reporter each way, and therefore it gets slipped in onthe eleventh page with over it the head-line: 'PLAN AMERICAN ORCHESTRA. Chicago's New Philharmonic Is Headed by Mrs. J. Ogden Armour, ' theorchestra story with the strike head-line having failed to get into thepaper at all. "

"Well, I'll tell you, " Abe said, "people which reads the newspapersdon't take the same amount of interests in strikes like they once usedto did before the United States government organized them Conciliationand Arbitration Boards, which nowadays strikes is long, dull affairsconsisting of the first strike, the arbitration, the decision, thesecond strike, the arbitration, the decision, the third strike, and soon for several months, because that's the trouble with arbitration, Mawruss: everybody is willing to arbitrate and nobody is willing to bedecided against. "

"Also strikes is becoming too common, Abe, " Morris said. "Everybody isgoing on strike nowadays, from milk-wagon drivers to the United StatesSenate, and although the last strike only _begun_ as a strike and endedup as a lock-out, y'understand, still the example wasn't good to thecountry, which if the strike fever is going to spread as high up as theUnited States Senate, Abe, where is it going to stop? The first thingyou know, the members of the Metropolitan Club will be going on strikefor a minimum of six hundred sturgeon eggs in a ten-dollar portion offresh Astrakhan caviar, and the Amalgamated Bank Presidents of America, New York Local No. 1, will be walking out in a body for a minimum wageof fifty thousand dollars a year, with a maximum working year of fourmonths. "

"But even when strikes had no foreign competition in the newspapers, Mawruss, " Abe said, "the interest in them soon died out, which very fewpeople outside the parties concerned ever finds out when a strike endsor who wins, and you might even say gives a nickel one way or the other, Mawruss. "

"It ain't only strikes which affects people like that, Abe, " Morriscommented. "Long-drawn-out murder trials and graft investigations alsosuffers that way, which I bet yer the American newspaper-reading peoplewill soon get on to the fact that the newspapers is playing up to theircable tolls, y'understand, and everybody will be starting in to read thepaper at the fourth or fifth page. "

"Still, I think that considerable interest was revived in the League ofNations and the Peace Conference by the argument that Senator Lodge putup last week in Lowell, Massachusetts, " Abe said. 

"It wasn't _in_ Lowell, but _with_ Lowell, " Morris corrected. 

"In or with, " Abe said, "it caused a whole lot of comment in thenewspapers, and the people which bought the next morning them papersthat printed the whole affair in full, Mawruss, skipped as much as twoor three pages about it. "

"Well, they didn't miss much, Abe, " Morris said, "because it didn't comeup to the advertisement. "

"What do you mean--the advertisement?" Abe inquired. 

"Why, for days already, the newspapers come out with a notice thatSenator Lodge would argue with this here Lowell, which he is a collegepresident and not a town, Abe, the argument to take place in a big hallin Boston, and the application for tickets was something tremendous, Abe, because you know how arguments about the League of Nations is, Abe. Sometimes the parties only use language and sometimes the smallerone of the two goes to a hospital, understand me. But, however, in thiscase it must be that the friends of Senator Lodge must have went to himand said: 'What do you want to get into an argument with Lowell for?Treat him with contempt. What do you care _what_ he says about you? Youare _doch_ a United States Senator, ain't it?' And the friends of thishere Lowell also must have went to him and said: 'Listen, Lowell, don'tmake a show of yourself. If Lodge wants to behave himself that way, allright; he's only a United States Senator, but you are anyhow presidentof Harvard College, and you can't afford to _act_ that way. ' 'Act _what_way?' Lowell probably said. 'Do you think I am going to sit down and lethim walk all over Wilson, which Wilson and me was presidents of collegestogether for years already?'"

"And besides a college president don't make such big money that he couldafford to sneeze at his share of the gate receipts, neither, " Abecommented. 

"Be that as it may, " Morris said, "they probably figured that it was toolate to call the thing off, but their friends must have got themtogether and talked Lodge over into behaving like a gentleman, becausehe practically agreed to everything that Lowell said and, so to speak, 'threw' the whole debate right at the outset, which, reading the reportsin the newspapers next morning, Abe, it is a wonder to me that thereferee or the umpire didn't stop it before it had gone the first fiveminutes, even. "

"Well, if people is foolish enough to bet on such things, Mawruss, " Abecommented, "they deserve to lose, ain't it?"

"So the consequences is that some people is now saying that SenatorLodge backed down because he didn't have a leg to stand on, " Morriscontinued, "while them people which probably made a little easy money onLowell is saying, '_Yow!_ backed down!' and that Lowell is acrackerjack, A-number-one arguer, and won the argument on his merits, y'understand. "

"The whole thing should ought to be investigated by the MassachusettsBoxing Commission in order to see that them kind of disgracefulexhibitions shouldn't occur again, " Abe said, "otherwise this here JamesButler which is president of Columbia College will fix up an argumentwith another United States Senator, and whoever is now president ofPrinceton College will arrange a frame-up with a Governor of a state orsomebody, and the first thing you know, Mawruss, college presidents willbe getting such a reputation as public speakers that the next RepublicanNational Convention will be again unloading a college president on us asPresident of the United States. "

"Say, " Morris protested, "if all college presidents would make as good aPresident as Mr. Wilson done, Abe, I am content that we should have sucha president for President. "

"President Wilson done all right, Mawruss, " Abe declared. "He done awhole lot to add a touch of refinement to what otherwise would of been avery rough war, understand me. He's got the respect and admiration ofthe whole world, Mawruss, and I ain't going to say _but_ neither, butwould say _however_. Mawruss, for the next ten years or so the UnitedStates of America ain't going to be as quiet as a college exactly. Maybethe presidents of colleges will continue to deal with college professorsand college students which couldn't talk back, Mawruss, but the nextPresident of the United States will have to stand an awful lot ofback-talk from a whole lot of people about taxes, business conditions, railroads, and so forth, and instead of coming right back with a snappyremark originally made by some big Roman philosopher and letting it goat that, Mawruss, he would got to come right back with a plan devised bysome big Pittsburgh business man and act on it, too. "

"There's something in what you say, Abe, " Morris admitted. 

"So, therefore, if we've got to drag a college president for President, Mawruss, " Abe concluded, "let's hope he would be anyhow president of abusiness college. "

X

THE NEW HUNGARIAN RHAPSODY

"I see where a feller by the name Rubin or Robin or something like that, which was working as a traveling-salesman for the Red Cross in Russia, got examined by Congress the other day, " Abe Potash said one morning inMarch, "and in the course of explaining how he come to spend all thatmoney for traveling expenses or something, he says that the Bolshevikiin Russia is a very much misunderstood people. "

"Sure, I know, " Morris said; "it is always the case, Abe, that whensomebody does something which could only be explained on the groundsthat he would sooner be in jail than _out_, he goes to work and claimsthat nobody understands him. "

"But Rubin claims that the reason Bolshevism sprung in the first placewas that the Bolsheviki was tired of the war, " Abe continued, "whereasthe Allies thought they were quitters. "

"What do you mean--whereas?" Morris asked. 

"Wait, that ain't the only 'whereas, '" Abe said. "Rubin also said thatthe Allies thinks the Bolsheviki is a bunch of organized murderers, _whereas_ the Allies don't understand that the only people murdered bythem Bolsheviki was the property-owners which objects to their propertybeing taken, and that as a matter of fact them poor Bolsheviki aresimply _obliged_ to take the property, there being no other alternativeexcept working for a living. "

"_Nebich!_" Morris exclaimed, "and did he say anything else about themBolsheviki that we should ought to break our hearts over, Abe?"

"Rubin didn't, but there is some of these here liberal-minded paperswhich seems to think that what this here Rubin says is not only a bigboost for the Bolsheviki, but that it should ought to be a lesson to usnot to pass laws in this country to prevent the Bolsheviki fromoperating over here. "

"But we already got laws over here to take care of people which wouldsooner commit murder than work, Abe, " Morris said, "and as for beingliberal-minded about the Bolsheviki, Abe, I am content that after theyare sentenced they should have all the privilege that the other convictshave, and that's as far as I would go. "

"Well, you couldn't claim credit for being very funny that way, Mawruss. You've got practically all the unliberal-minded people in the UnitedStates siding with you, " Abe declared, "because, being liberal-minded isa matter of being able to see only the unpopular side of every question. It is the liberal-minded people which thinks there is something to besaid in favor of the Germans and says it, y'understand. It is theliberal-minded people which is always willing to try anything thatdon't seem reasonable to practically everybody. "

"And I suppose them liberal-minded people would even approve of Germanytrying to get out of paying an indemnity by pulling off one of themstreet affairs with shooting which passes for Bolshevik revolution, "Morris said, "but the backing of such liberal-minded Americans wouldn'thelp the Germans none, because there would be a whole lot of huskyparties in khaki going into Germany and acting in such anunliberal-minded way that the Germans would wish they would have paidthe indemnity voluntarily on the instalment plan rather as have itcollected all in one sum by levy and sale under an execution. "

"Well, I'll tell you, " Abe said, "it is always the case that when thecreditors begin to scrap among themselves, y'understand, the fraudulentbankrupt stands a good chance to get away with the concealed assets, ain't it, and in particular in this case where there is so manyliberal-minded people around which don't want to be too hard on Germany, _anyway_. "

"I bet yer, " Morris said, fervently; "and while this here PeaceConference is killing a whole lot of time deliberating how to make thisthe last war, y'understand, they will wake up some fine morning to findout that they have really made it the last war but one. Furthermore, Abe, this next-to-the-last war wouldn't be a marker to the war we aregoing to have in collecting indemnities from Bolsheviki, because when itcomes to atrocities, Abe, a Bolshevik government could make the oldGerman government look like the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty toChildren, y'understand. "

"Might the Peace Conference would hurry up, maybe, " Abe suggested. 

"They've got to hurry up if they don't want to be shifted from a PeaceConference to a Council of War, " Morris said. "Look what has alreadyhappened in Hungary. "

"And yet, Mawruss, you would think that with a nation like theHungarians, which is used to eating in Hungarian restaurants, y'understand, a little thing like starvation wouldn't worry them atall, " Abe said, "so therefore I couldn't understand why the Hungariansshould have gone Bolshevik from want of food, as the papers says theydid. "

"_My_ paper didn't say it, " Morris commented, "and if it did, I wouldn'tbelieve it, anyway, because the most you could claim for Bolshevism as acure for starvation is that it keeps the patient so busy worrying abouthis other troubles that he forgets how hungry he is. Furthermore, Abe, the way it looks to me, this here Bolshevik revolution in Hungary ain'teven what the Poor Food Law would call a Bolshevik Type revolution, because it is my idea that Lenine and Trotzky could read the papers thesame like anybody else. So, therefore, when they seen it that all theAmerican newspaper correspondents was sending out word that the PeaceConference should ought to hurry up its work because of the spread ofBolshevism, y'understand, and that the delegates should ought to go easyon Germany because, if they didn't, Germany would probably go Bolshevik, y'understand, this here Trotzky, which once used to work on a New Yorknewspaper but lived it down by changing his name from Bronstein toTrotzky, understand me, at once gets up a line of snappy advertisementsheaded:

"'WHY BOLSHEVISM?'

to the effect that a Revolution a Day Drives Indemnities Away and forparticulars to write to Trotzky & Lenine, Department M, Petrograd LandTitle and Trust Building, Petrograd. And, of course, Hungary fell forit. "

"So you think that this here Hungarian revolution is a fake?" Abe asked. 

"It ain't a fake, it's a business, " Morris replied, "which I bet yerthat right now Messrs. Ebert, Scheidemann & Co. Is writing Trotzky &Lenine they should please quote prices on Bolshevist uprisings as perHungarian sample, F. O. B. Berlin, and also that it wouldn't be only amatter of a few days when knocking Germany would be a capital offense inPetrograd, upon the grounds that the customer is always right. "

"But I understand that in Budapest the working-men is seizing thefactories and running them themselves, " Abe said. 

"There's always bound to be a certain number of people which couldn'ttake a job, " Morris commented. 

"There's no joke about it, " Abe declared, "which I see in the paper thismorning that the new Hungarian Soviet government has directed thepresidents of banks to put their business in the hands of the clerks andthat the landlords has got to let the janitors manage theapartment-houses. "

"The landlords has got to do that in America, whether the governmenttells 'em to or not, Abe, " Morris said, "and as for the bank presidents, Abe, they might just as well go out and look for another job to-day asto wait till next week when them committees of factory-workers willstart in to make overdrafts at the point of a revolver. "

"Things must be terribly mixed up in Hungary, according to the papers, "Abe observed. 

"Well, I'll tell you, " Morris said, "in some countries a Bolshevikgovernment could be quite disturbing, but take Hungarian cooking, forinstance, and it wouldn't really make a whole lot of difference if_gulyas_ or paprika chicken was cooked by one chef or a committee ofscullions, Abe, it would be just so miscellaneous and nobody could tellfrom eating it what had been put into it, y'understand. Also, Abe, takethese here gipsy Hungarian bands, and while there would probably be aterrible conglomeration of noises if a committee of players was to startin to conduct the Boston Symphonies or the New York Philharmonics, y'understand, a committee of gipsy musicians couldn't make a _czardas_sound worser than it does, no matter how they disagree as to the way itshould ought to be played. "

"For that matter, there's a lot of things produced in Germany which aSoviet government couldn't spoil, neither, Mawruss, " Abe said, "likemusic by this here Nathan Strauss, the composer, or _KoenigsburgerKlops_, now called Liberty Roast, which I see by last Sunday's paperthat the Kaiser has been talking again. "

"And what's that got to do with Germany going Bolshevik?" Morris asked. 

"Nothing, except that it partially accounts for it, " Abe replied, "whicha newspaper feller by the name of Begbie called on the Kaiser inHolland, and he says the Kaiser couldn't see it at all. "

"See what?" Morris asked. 

"Why, he couldn't see what people is making such a fuss about, " Abesaid. "He says that, so far as starting this here war is concerned, hedidn't _say_ nothing, he didn't _do_ nothing, and all he knows about itis that he lays the whole thing to the Freemasons. "

"You mean the F. A. M. ?" Morris asked. 

"What other Freemasons is there?" Abe said. 

"You're sure he didn't say the Knights of Pythias or the I. O. O. F. , because, while I don't belong to the Masons myself, Abe, Rosie'ssister's husband's brother by the name Harris November has been athirty-sixth degree Mason for years already, " Morris declared, "and I'llswear that if a gabby feller like him would have known that the Masonshad anything to do with bringing on the war, Abe, he would of spilled italready long since ago. "

"Well, of course, I don't know nothing about what Harris November saidor what he didn't say, Mawruss, but that's what the Kaiser said, " Abecontinued, "and he also had a good deal to say about Queen Victorine ofEngland what a wonderful woman she was, _olav hasholom_, and how shetold him many times he should look out for that low-life of a son ofhers by the name Edwin. "

"But I always thought this here Edwin was such a decent, respectablefeller, " Morris interrupted. 

"That's what everybody else thought, " Abe went on, "but the Kaiser saysthat many times the old lady says to him he shouldn't have nothing to dowith Edwin. 'Believe me, ' she said, according to the Kaiser, 'hewouldn't do you no good intellectually, morally, or socially, ' and sofor that reason the Kaiser wouldn't join the Entente with England, France, and Russia. "

"Because this here Edwin was at the bottom of it?" Morris inquired. 

"That's what the Kaiser _said_, " Abe replied. 

"Maybe he also caught the poor Czar _selig_ eating with his knife orsomething, " Morris suggested. 

"That he didn't say, neither, " Abe answered, "but he might just so wellhave said it, for all it would go down with me, Mawruss, because we allknow how kings sow their rolled oats, Mawruss, and any king whichwouldn't associate with any other king on the grounds of running aroundthe streets till all hours of the night or gambling, y'understand, ifthat ain't a case of a pot calling a kettle, I don't know what is. "

"And I suppose he topped off them lies by getting religious, ain't it?"Morris remarked. 

"Naturally, " Abe said. "And in particular he got very sore at theFreemasons on account of them being atheists. "

"That's the first time I hear that about the Freemasons, " Morrisobserved. "I think, myself, that he was getting them mixed up with theElks. "

"The Elks ain't atheists, " Abe said. 

"I know they ain't, but at the same time they ain't religious fanaticsexactly, " Morris said, "which to a particular feller like the Kaiserwould be quite enough, Abe. "

"Also, Mawruss, " Abe went on, "he claims that the Freemasons is allBolshevists, and in fact, from the way he carried on about theFreemasons, you would think he was crazy on the subject. "

"Maybe they once turned him down or something, " Morris commented, "whichwhen I was treasurer of Friendship Lodge, 129, I. O. M. A. , before wequit giving sick benefits, Abe, we turned down a feller by the nameTurkeltaub on account of varicose veins, and the way he went aroundcalling us all kinds of highwaymen you wouldn't believe at all. "

"But the newspaper feller that interviewed him says that the Kaiserseems to be in pretty good health, Mawruss, " Abe declared. 

"That don't make him a good risk, neither, " Morris retorted. "I supposethe interviewer didn't say how his appetite was. "

"What's his appetite got to do with it?" Abe asked. 

"Because, in speaking of murderers just before they go to the chair, Abe, " Morris concluded, "the newspaper always say, 'The condemned manate hearty. '"

XI

IT IS STILL UP IN THE AIR, BUT YOU CAN'T SAY THE SAME FOR TRANSATLANTICVOYAGES

"I am surprised to see that an old-established and well-settledgovernment like Mexico should got a revolution on his hands, Mawruss, "Abe Potash declared as he skimmed the head-lines in the morning papers. 

"What makes you think that Mexico is an old-established and well-settledgovernment, Abe?" Morris Perlmutter asked. 

"Germany and Hungary do, " Abe replied, "which up to the time this hereGeneral Blanquet lands the other day in Mexico, people was beginning tosay that why couldn't Germany have one last revolution and stick to itand look at Mexico the way she settled down, not having had a singlerevolution to speak of since January fifteenth, nineteen-nineteen. "

"Well, I think the reason why the Mexicans 'ain't had a revolution in solong isn't because they didn't want to, Abe, " Morris said, "but becauseit has taken them all that time to learn the technical terms. You see, areally and truly up-to-date revolution couldn't be run off nowadays, Abe, unless it is one of them Bolshevik Type revolutions, and in orderto get the right kind of newspaper publicity for it the management hasgot to know enough Russian not to say _soviet_ when they mean _mir_. Also I bet yer when it comes to a zemstvo, the Mexicans don't know evennow whether you dance it to a guitar and cascanet accompaniment or eatit with garlic and chili sauce. "

"A feller could make quite some money nowadays from teaching Russian bymail to revolutionary socialists, " Abe commented. 

"That ain't necessary in this country, Abe, " Morris said, "because theBolshevik government in Russia has sent over here a feller by the nameof Martens to give a course in Bolshevism to American working-men. "

"And did our government let him land?" Abe asked. 

"Seemingly they did, " Morris replied, "which is pretty liberal of ourgovernment when you consider that right now we got American soldiers inRussia which is fighting Bolshevism. "

"It's even more than liberal, it's crazy, " Abe said, "because while Ibelieve in free speech, y'understand, Bolshevik speeches ain't free by awhole lot. Over in Hungary they became payable in thirty, sixty, andninety days and the only people which ain't ruined by them is the makersand indorsers. "

"You are right about the makers, Abe, " Morris commented. "For the mostpart they are a bunch of no-account foreigners which all they risk bymaking such speeches is hoarseness, y'understand, but some of theindorsers of such speeches comes from the best American families, and ifthe time ever comes when there _should_ be a little temporary Bolsheviktrouble by foreigners in this country who have been encouraged by theliberal attitude of the government to think that the worst which couldhappen to them would be ten dollars or ten days, y'understand, themindorsers would got to pay the same like any other decent, respectablepeople which ain't Bolsheviks. Take, for example, in Hungary and theprotelariats is making the middle class give up their bath-rooms to theworking-people every Saturday night. "

"But the protelariats in New York has all got bath-rooms in theirtenement-houses, Mawruss, " Abe protested. 

"I know they have, but they'll probably figure that why should theytrouble themselves to empty the coal out of their bath-tubs, which iswhat them protelariats now use bath-tubs for, Abe, just to save themiddle class the inconvenience of changing their bath night fromSaturday to Friday, " Morris said, "but at the same time, Abe, it don'tlook to me that a country which has got the modern convenience ofAmerica is going to go Bolshevik for the next few hundred years, anyway, because it is my idee that what makes a people become Bolsheviks is thelack of good plumbing and savings-bank accounts, and rather as have theprivacy of their bath-rooms and their savings-bank accounts invaded, the big majority of the American people would declare the United Statesof America an obsolete monarchy with Ivan D. Ivanovitch, alias John D. Rockafeller, Jr. , as the first Czar, understand me. "

"Well, if I would be the United States government I wouldn't let aBolshevik land exactly, " Abe declared. 

"What do you mean--you wouldn't let him land _exactly_?" Morris asked. 

"I mean what I say, " Abe said. "I would let him pretty nearly land andthen tip up the gang-plank. Also, Mawruss, if I would be the UnitedStates government, I would allow free speech, but not free speakers, y'understand, which I would make public speaking a profession the samelike lawyers, dentists, or doctors, because if nobody could be a publicspeaker without taking a four-year course in public speaking and thengetting licensed to practise as a public speaker after passing anexamination, y'understand, he would think anyhow twice before he sayssomething in public which would bring him up on charges to show causewhy he shouldn't have his license to practise as a public speaker takenaway from him. In other words, Mawruss, the way I would preventBolshevism is that I would make the sheepskin take the place of thesoapbox as a necessary article for public speaking, and incidentally inthe foreign neighborhoods of our big cities, y'understand, not onlywould soap-boxes be used for soap, but it would also go a long waytowards making bath-tubs used for bathing. "

"At the same time, Abe, " Morris said, "I couldn't help thinking that ifthe feller who talks in public was given less to talk about, y'understand, it would help a whole lot, too, which there wouldn't benearly so many loafers go into the Bolshevik line if there wasn't somany respectable people engaged in what might be called manufacturingBolshevik supplies, such as army officers which claims that nobody has aright to kick if a soldier gets ten years' hard labor for using badgrammar in speaking to an officer, y'understand. Also there is a lot ofstate Legislatures in this country which has seemingly formed themselvesinto Societies for the Encouragement of Bolshevism by earning, anyhow, the gratitude of canners and cotton manufacturers who have got women andchildren working for them till all hours of the night, y'understand. Then again there is the perfectly respectable people which would like tomake by law a Sunday out of every week-day and a living tomb out ofSunday, understand me, and which would have nobody but themselves toblame if some day they would got to furnish soap and towels for theprotelariats in their bath-rooms. "

"Well, I'll tell you, " Abe said, "Bolshevism as a form of government ispretty nearly exploded, Mawruss. It is now used principally as a threatsuch as when Germany says if the Polaks get Danzig and West Prussia, y'understand, Germany would take up Bolshevism, and Paderewski says ifthe Polaks don't get Danzig, Poland would take up Bolshevism, understandme. "

"And Paderewski would take up giving piano lessons to raise enough moneyto get out of Poland, Abe, " Morris commented, "and he would probablyhave to do so, too, as there ain't much chance of his getting away withthat Danzig stuff. Also, Abe, we Americans should ought to be the lastto encourage him to think that he will, Abe, because while I don't knowhow long it is since Danzig, Germany, was Danzig, Poland, I do know thatit ain't nearly so long ago as Galveston, Texas, was Galveston, Mexico, y'understand. So, therefore, if Mr. Wilson lets Poland get back Danzig, it wouldn't be long before Mexico would elect Teresa Carreño or FannieBloomfield Zeisler as President and claim Galveston with a corridortaking in San Antonio and Houston, understand me. "

"Just the same, I am in favor that Germany should have to give up Danzigeven if Danzig 'ain't belonged to Poland since 1492 and the only Danzigpeople now speaking Polish as a regular language is the interpreter ofthe First District Magistrate's Court for the City and County of Danzig, y'understand, " Abe declared. "Furthermore, I think this here PeaceConference is taking it too particular about what Germany should orshouldn't give up, Mawruss, which if the shoe pinched on the other foot, Mawruss, and this here Peace Conference was being held in Berlin orVienna, y'understand, with Germany, Austria, Turkey, and Bulgaria as theBig Four, understand me, there wouldn't be any question as to whatAllied territory would or wouldn't be given up by the Allies, Mawruss. If Germany would have won the war, Mawruss, she would have taken Calaisand Boulogne with as much argument over it as a golluf-player taking aScotch highball, y'understand, and if France would have threatened to goBolshevik on account of it, Germany would of said, 'Don't do us nofavors, ' understand me, and let it go at that. So, therefore, if thepeople of Danzig couldn't speak Polish, Mawruss, let 'em learn to do so, even if it would be necessary for them to go to a nose and throatspecialist till they got used to the pronunciation. "

"Say, for my part I am willing that this here Peace Conference should doanything and everything, Abe, just so long as they would get throughwith their work and I wouldn't have to listen no longer to yournonsense, " Morris declared. 

"No nonsense at all, " Abe protested. "The thing this here PeaceConference should ought to have done from the start was to consider whatGermany would have done under the circumstances, put the reverse Englishon it, and then let her whoop, which I see by the paper that they arenow getting ready to make airyoplane journeys across the Atlantic Ocean, Mawruss. "

"And what's that got to do with this here Peace Conference?" Morrisasked. 

"Nothing, " Abe said, "except that I see Mr. Wilson is writing home thatthey should please send over the _George Washington_ in case it shouldbe necessary for him to make good any bluff he might throw to the PeaceConference that if they don't do as he says, he would leave them flatand go back to America. So, therefore, if he has to make good soonerthan he thinks, he could go home by airyoplane and not wait for the_George Washington_. "

"I don't think that this here transatlantic airyoplane flying is exactlyin the President-carrying class just yet, Abe, " Morris suggested. 

"Neither do I, Mawruss, " Abe said, "but the manufacturers of airyoplanesseems pretty confident, Mawruss. In fact, I see in the papers that itwon't be but a matter of a few years when the New York business manwhich has business to do in London, instead of getting on the_Mauretania_ in New York and landing six days later in Liverpool, y'understand, would be able to take the railroad to Halifax, NovaScotia, spend the night there or anyhow only as many nights there as itwould be necessary before the steamer sails for Saint John's, Newfoundland, and then take the steamer to Saint John's, Newfoundland, where there would be a passenger airyoplane in waiting and nofirst-class hotels, y'understand. At Saint John's, such is the stridesairyoplane-manufacturing has made, Mawruss, he would probably only haveto stick around for five or six days till the airyoplane was in shape toleave, understand me, and in twenty-four hours he would land at theAzores, where there ain't no hotels at all, understand me. In less thanfour days more, provided the repairs didn't take longer, he would be onhis way to Lisbon, Portugal, which he would reach on the following dayor days. There the same airyoplane or another airyoplane, in case thesame airyoplane got smashed in landing, would be ready or approximatelyready to start for Paris, and might even start, you couldn't tell. Onarriving in Paris, he would be only a few hours by railroad and steamerfrom London, provided he was in shape to travel, which, when youconsider that only a few years ago flying was in its infancy, Mawruss, you've got to admit that nobody could ever have dreamed that it waspossible to make such a journey. "

"Not unless you ate something which disagreed with you before you wentto sleep, " Morris commented, "and even then, Abe, where is theadvantage?"

"It ain't the advantage, it's the novelty of the thing, " Abe said, "andI'll bet yer, Mawruss, that if an Airyoplane Company was to open aticket-office in New York to-morrow, Mawruss, men would be standing inline to buy accommodations on the first available airyoplane--men withwives and families and no life insurance at that. "

"They would be the very first ones, " Morris agreed, "but the way itlooks to me, Abe, New York business men which has not business to doin London would continue to take twin-screw steamers with bilgekeels, no matter how unimportant the business they was going totransact over there might be, because even the stockholders inairyoplane-manufacturing corporations would got to admit that whileairyoplane-flying ain't in its infancy, exactly, it ain't in the primeof life, neither. Also, Abe, as long as gas only costs a dollartwenty-five a thousand cubic feet, why should any one want to pull offsuch a high-priced suicide as these here transatlantic airyoplanevoyages is going to be?"

"Anyhow, the first one has still got to be made yet, Mawruss, " Aberemarked. 

"And even if the tenth one was successful, Abe, " Morris concluded, "youcould take it from me, this here transatlantic airyoplane navigationain't going to put much of a crimp into the business of manufacturingseasick remedies. Am I right or wrong?"

XII

THIS HERE VICTORY LIBERTY LOAN

"The way some people is acting about this here Victory Loan, Mawruss, "Abe Potash remarked one morning in April, "you would think that they wasall presidents of a first national bank and that this here Carter J. Glass has already made a big overdraft and if he don't like the line ofcredit they are giving him, he should be so good as to take his accountsomewheres else, y'understand. "

"Them same people probably think that investing their money in anysecurities bearing interest at less than fifteen per cent. Per annum is, so to speak, the equivalence from giving money to orphan-asylums andhospitals, understand me, " Morris Perlmutter said. "'We already givethem Liberty Loan _schnorrers_ two hundred dollars toward the expensesof their rotten war, ' they probably say, 'and _still_ they ain'tsatisfied. '"

"And at that they don't mean nothing by it, " Abe said, "because there isa whole lot of business men in the United States which couldn't evengive up the family housekeeping money every week without anyhow sayingto their wives: 'Here, take my blood; take my life. What do you wantfrom me, _anyway_?'"

"Maybe they do and maybe they don't mean nothing by it, Abe, " Morrissaid, "but it would be a whole lot easier for this here Carter J. Glassif everybody would act as his own Victory Bond salesman and try to sellhimself just one more bond than he has really got any business buying, y'understand. "

"It would be a whole lot easier for this here Carter J. Glass, Mawruss, but it would be practically impossible for pretty nearly everybodyelse, " Abe remarked, "which human nature is so constituted, Mawruss, that the only time a man really and truly uses some high-class, silver-tongued salesmanship on himself is when he is trying to persuadehimself that it is all right for him to do something which he knows inhis heart it is dead wrong for him to do. "

"Well, at least, Abe, in this here Victory Loan Campaign, every manshould ought to try to put himself in the place of the salesman which istrying to sell him some of these Victory Bonds, " Morris continued, "sowe would say, for example, that you would be a Victory Bond salesman, Abe, and you are calling on a feller which he is a pretty toughproposition in such matters by the name of, we would say, for instance, Abe Potash. "

"Why don't you make the feller which the salesman is supposed to call ona really and truly hard-boiled egg, by the name, we would say, forinstance, Mawruss Perlmutter?" Abe asked. "Which when you put up to mea hypocritical case, Mawruss, why is it you must always start in bygetting insulted already?"

"What do you mean getting insulted?" Morris asked. "I am only puttingsomething up to you for the sake of argument not arguments. "

"Well, then, why not be perfectly neuter and call the tough propositionwhich the Victory Bond salesman is visiting, somebody by the name of acompetitor like Leon Sammet, for instance?" Abe suggested. 

"Because I am trying to make you put yourself in the place of theVictory Bond salesman who is trying to sell you bonds, " Morris declared. 

"Put your _own_ self in the place of the Victory Bond salesman, " Abeexclaimed, "which if you want to give me any hypocritical cases for thesake of argument, Mawruss, I have seen the way you practically snap thehead off a collector for a charitable fund enough times to appreciatehow you would behave towards a Victory Bond salesman, so go ahead on thebasis that you are the tough proposition and not me. "

"A charitable fund is one thing and this here Victory Loan another, "Morris said. 

"I know it is, " Abe agreed, "but at the same time, Mawruss, a whole lotof people feels that if ever they give a couple dollars to anorphan-asylum, they practically got vaccinated against future attacks ofthe same complaint, and if three years later the collector for theorphan-asylum calls on them again they say: 'Why, I already gave youtwo dollars for that orphan-asylum! What did you done with it all?' AndI bet yer that just as many people considered that the fifty-dollar bondwhich they bought during the First Liberty Loan Campaign should ought tohave set up such a strong antiseptic in their system that they would beimmune to all other Liberty Bond Campaigns, no matter if such campaignswould continue until there was, God forbid! a Fiftieth Liberty Loanalready. "

"Some people never even got, so to speak, jabbed the first time, " Morrisobserved, "and the way they avoid Liberty Bond salesmen, Abe, you wouldthink that such a salesman was a sort of Liberty Bond Typhoid Mary andwould infect them tightwads with a disease where they were liable tobreak out all over with coupons or something. "

"As a matter of fact, Mawruss, that's just the effect which a LibertyBond salesman should ought to have on the right kind of sitson, " Abesaid, "which while I don't mean to say that making a good investmentlike buying of a Liberty Bond should ought to be considered as adisease, Mawruss, it should anyhow be infectious and should ought tospread so rapidly that everybody in the United States could say they hadit to the extent of at least one fifty-dollar bond of the Victory Loan. "

"But there is over a hundred million people in the United States, Abe, "Morris said, "and if they all bought one fifty-dollar bond, y'understand, it would make the Victory Loan five billion dollars, whereas this here Carter J. Glass is only asking for four billion fivehundred million. "

"Well, to my mind, he's acting too modest, Mawruss, " Abe went on, "because if we expect Germany to raise the first five billion dollars ofher indemnity with nothing to show for it but the promise that she wouldhave to raise five billion more every two years till the whole indemnitywas paid, understand me, how much more should we raise over here withthe promise that it is going to be paid back to us in a few years, withinterest at the rate of four and three-quarters per cent. Per annum?Why, under them conditions, Mawruss, any American which would refuse tobuy a Victory Loan Bond should ought to be considered as applying forGerman sitsonship papers and should ought to be exported to Hamburg, where his adopted fellow-sitsons is getting frisked by the Germangovernment for every cent they possess and ain't getting so much as areceipt to show for it. "

"For that matter, an American which refuses to buy Victory Liberty Bondsshould ought to completely lost his memory, Abe, " Morris declared. "Evidently a feller, if some one starts a conversation about the war, isgoing to say, '_What_ war?' and when it is reminded to his memory thatas recently ago as last November the papers was printing every daycolumns and columns about the war which was going on in Europe, he wouldprobably say: 'Oh, _that_ war! I thought that war was already a thingof the past. ' And also probably he might even ask, 'Tell me, was theremany people hurt?'"

"Well, if some folks has got such short memories like all that, and isonly affected by what they have read in the papers at the latest the daybefore yesterday, Mawruss, " Abe said, "why not have the Victory LibertyLoan salesmen approach them on the basis of what is going on _now_ inEurope? 'You are asked, ' such a salesman would say, 'to invest yourmoney in a first-class A-number-one security, backed by the UnitedStates government and bearing interest at the rate of four andthree-quarters per cent. Per annum, and that is the very least you coulddo for your country when you consider that right now, ' the salesmanwould say, and he should practise in advance to make his voice soundtragical, 'right now _your_ uncles and _my_ uncles is making peace inParis with all the strength of language which they've got in theirsystem. 

"'Yes, Mr. Sitson, ' the salesman should go on to say, 'the government isonly asking _you_ to invest in interest-bearing cash money, so to speak, and what for a sacrifice is _that_ compared to the suffering of _your_father-in-laws and _my_ father-in-laws which is bravely standing larynxto larynx in the battle area of the Peace Conference while the air isfilled with the French, Italian, Greek, Jugo-Slob, and Polish remarks?_You_ sit here in your comfortable home while the flower of our expertsand college professors is exposed to all kinds of coffee and cigars. Ain't you ashamed to be doing nothing but buy bonds when old and feeblemen like most of the American Peace delegates is battling with Frenchwaiters, French taxicab-drivers, French hotel service, and Frenchlaundry-lists, giving and receiving no mercy, y'understand, and youshould thank Heaven that your own country has been spared the horrors ofhaving on our own soil this here Peace Conference which is now raging inParis, understand me. '"

"That would be anyhow an argument, " Morris admitted, "but with thesehere Victory Liberty Bonds it shouldn't ought to be a case of first comefirst serve. With only four and a half billion dollars' worth of VictoryLiberty Bonds for sale, Abe, seventy-five per cent. Of the people of theUnited States should ought to be going around looking as sore as fellersthat sell tickets in theater box-offices, and when any one asks 'em why, they should say: 'Ain't it just my luck! I put off buying my VictoryLiberty Bonds till April 23d, and when I got round to the bank therewasn't one left. ' Yes, Abe, instead of Victory Liberty Bond salesmenhaving to go about visiting customers, y'understand, they should oughtto have luxurious fitted-up offices, and it should ought to be a case ofwhen the customer arrives the Victory Liberty Bond salesman should oughtto be playing auction pinochle or rummy with two other Victory LibertyBond salesmen. Then when the customer says is this the place where theysell Victory Liberty Bonds, the salesman says, 'I'll be with you in aminute, ' and makes the customer stand around without even offering him aseat until the salesmen gets through playing two more hands. Thecustomer should then make out his own application, y'understand, havethe exact change ready, and close the door quietly when leaving, andthat's the way I would sell Victory Liberty Bonds if I was thegovernment. "

"That's the way you even try to sell garments, " Abe commented. 

"Because, " Morris continued, evading the challenge, "it is my idee thatit is a privilege to be allowed to buy these here Victory Liberty Bonds, and before any one gets that privilege, Abe, he should be made to provethat he has done something to deserve it. Yes, Abe, instead of a manwearing a button to show that he has bought Liberty Bonds, he shouldought to go before a notary public and make an oath that he has given uphis quota to all Red Cross and United War Relief drives and otherwisedone everything he could do to help win the war if he couldn't fight init, y'understand, and then, and only then, Abe, he should be given abutton entitling him to buy Victory Liberty Bonds under the conditions Ihave stated. "

"But, joking apart, Mawruss, and talking business, not poetry, understand me, " Abe asked, "do you actually think that this here VictoryLiberty Loan would be all taken up by them methods? To my mind, Mawruss, it would be a whole lot better to look the horse straight inthe teeth, y'understand, and take it as settled that a lot of peoplewhich has got the money to buy bonds would go round saying that theywould be very glad to buy bonds if they only had the money, y'understand. To such people, Mawruss, I would remind them again that awar, even when you win it, ain't a cash-in-advance proposition. In fact, a war ain't even a C. O. D. Proposition. Wars is paid for on theinstalment plan, Mawruss, and while this particular war is over, understand me, the bill has still got to be paid, and if such peoplewon't lend the government the money to pay for the war, the governmentwould have to do what the German government is going to do to the Germanpeople--instead of touching them for it and paying it back, they wouldfrisk them for it and not even say much obliged, y'understand. "

"At that, Abe, I ain't worried a whole lot about the result of thisVictory Liberty Loan, " Morris said. "When all is said and done, Abe, theAmerican people love their country. "

"I know they do, " Abe agreed, "but also, Mawruss, there is a whole lotof fellers which loves their families and at the same time don't lose nosleep nights because they ain't providing for them as they should oughtto do. So to them people I would say: 'Which would you rather have it asa souvenir of the war: Victory Liberty Bonds or tax bills?' Also, 'Wouldyou sooner be paid interest or would you sooner pay interest?'"

"In other words, Abe, you would threaten 'em into buying bonds, " Morrisobserved. 

"Only when it's necessary, Mawruss, " Abe concluded, "and that wouldn'tbe in the case of one thousandth of one per cent. Of the entirepopulation, because the great majority of the people thinks the way I doabout their money: the government let me make it, and the governmentlets me keep it, and if the government would sooner borrow part of itinstead of taking it all, Mawruss, that's only the government's goodnature, which nobody should presume too much on good nature, Mawruss. AmI right or wrong?"

XIII

WHEN IS A SECRET TREATY SECRET?

"I see where President Wilson sent a letter to the German governmentthat they might just so well save the car fare and not send anydelegates to this here Peace Conference which wouldn't be prepared forthe worst, Mawruss, " Abe Potash said one morning in April. 

"You would think, considering how excited the German people getsnowadays, that they would have a hard time finding any one to take thejob of delegate, Abe, " Morris Perlmutter suggested, "which the leastthat happens to one of them German delegates after the German peoplefinds out what was in the paper he signed is that his executioners wouldclaim that the daylight-saving law made it unnecessary for them to waittill sunrise, y'understand. "

"Well, he would always have the excuse that the only thing he seen ofthe Peace Treaty before he signed it was a dotted line, Mawruss, " Abesaid, "and also, Mawruss, it is just possible that the return half ofthem German peace delegates will read _via_ Amsterdam, and that beforetaking a three years' lease of an Amsterdam apartment some of thempeace delegates would first visit a ticket-scalper and get that much offtheir minds, anyway. "

"And even in Paris them German peace delegates wouldn't be, neither, "Morris declared, "which I see that the French government is too safearranging for the accommodation of them German delegates at a hotel nextto the place where the Peace Treaty is going to be signed, Abe, and thelot on which the hotel stands is going to be protected with an egg-prooffence eight feet high so that the German delegates can escape any strayrotten eggs. "

"The fence could be twelve feet high, Mawruss, " Abe remarked, "and itwouldn't do any good, because nobody could escape rotten eggs in aFrench hotel, Mawruss, rotten coffee, neither. Also, Mawruss, eggs'ain't got nothing to do with that fence, because if that fence wouldn'tbe there, Mawruss, when it comes time for them German delegates to signthe treaty, Mawruss, the Peace Conference would got to appoint aCommittee of Resident Buyers to round up them German delegates, onaccount that nobody else but Resident Buyers who is accustomed toentertaining their American clients would know where them Germandelegates had disappeared to. "

"Well, in a way it is the Peace Conference's own fault because they sentword to the German government that they didn't want to deal with nomessengers, but that the German delegates should all be high-upofficials, Abe, " Morris said, "which seemingly as a general thing thehigher up a German happens to be, y'understand, the lower down he canact. Take, for example, the Crown Prince, Abe, and I always thought thatno matter how much people abused him, Abe, he could anyhow go home andsay to his wife whatever I done, I done it all for you, instead of goingsomewhere else and saying it to ballet-dancers, as his wife's motherclaims. "

"I understand he was leading a double life, Mawruss, " Abe observed. 

"He was leading a double life in spades, Abe, " Morris declared, alludingto the game of auction pinochle. "Day after day his wife's mother sayshe would leave the house to go down-town to the palace, and instead hewould go down-town not to the palace and never show up till all hours ofthe morning. Then when his wife asked him where he was putting in histime, y'understand, instead of acting reasonable and telling her a phonystory about being sick and tired of getting stuck at the Reichskanzleinight after night, and that he wished the old man would get throughspringing a new chancellor on him every week, understand me, he giveshimself dead away by getting sore. In fact, Abe, his mother-in-law saysthat the Hohenzollern royal colors is black and blue, anyhow so far asthe Crown Princess is concerned, and that she made up her mind that shewouldn't let her daughter live with him no longer, so the chances isthat if the German people goes back to the monarchy, they would notonly got to pay indemnities for what the Crown Prince done, but alimonybesides. "

"Well, even if the mother-in-law couldn't prove what she says about herdaughter's husband, which very few mother-in-laws can, Mawruss, " Abesaid, "the Crown Princess would be able to get her devorce upon thegrounds that her husband was convicted of a felony, y'understand, whichhe will be, Mawruss, just so soon as the Peace Conference has finisheddrawing up the indictment. "

"Then them German people will be paying her temporary alimonypermanently for the rest of her life, Abe, " Morris said, "because themfellers which is drawing the indictments against the Kaiser and theCrown Prince seems to be taking their own time about it. "

"It's a big job, Mawruss, because you take the indictment against theCrown Prince, Mawruss, and the chances is that the first two hundredcounts alone is for French château furniture, and when some one stealsanything from a French château, Mawruss, it's a hundred to one that heis guilty not only of larceny, y'understand, but of concealing mortgagedproperty besides, understand me, " Abe said, "which it has always been awonder to me, Mawruss, that some of these ladies of the four hundred whoopen tea-rooms for European war relief has never considered doingnothing for them Ruined Mortgagees of France, or the Suffering JudgmentCreditors of Allied Noblemen. Most of our best families has hadexperience some time or another with railroad reorganizations, and youwould think they would have enough sympathy for them Starving Lienors ofFrance, Mawruss, to get up, anyhow, a bazaar. It could be advertisedwith a picture by some big artist like C. G. Gibson, where an old man inwhat used to was a fur overcoat before the moths got into it is bendingover Liber 2244 of Mortgages, page 391, which is all the old feller hasgot to show for what was once a first lien on some gilt-edged châteauproperty, Mawruss. "

"Well, I'll tell you, " Morris said, "there's a certain number of peoplewhich nobody has got any sympathy with, like mortgagers, coal dealers, head waiters, garage proprietors, and fellers which works in theayterticket-offices, to which, of course, must also be addedPostmaster-General Burleson. "

"And why that feller is so unpopular is a mystery to me, Mawruss, " Abesaid. "You would think, to hear the way the newspapers talk about him, that the very least he had done was to mix arsenic with the gum whichthey put on the backs of stamps, whereas, so far as I could see, thepoor feller is only trying to do his duty and keep down the wages oftelephone operators, which I don't know how strong telephone operatorsis with the rest of the country, but compared with the hit that theymake with me, Mawruss, Mr. Burleson would be a general favorite, y'understand. "

"He was already in bad before them telephone girls struck on him, Abe, "Morris said, "and for the very reason, as you say, that he has alwaysdone his duty as he seen it, which the trouble with them fellers that dotheir duty as they see it is that nobody else could see it, Abe. It isalso the case that them people which do their duty as they see itusually has rotten eyesight, Abe, and when it comes right down to it, Abe, there is even some people which claims that Mr. Wilson should alsoconsult an oculist to find out if he don't need to have his glasseschanged. In fact, there's a couple of fellers by the name Orlando andSonnino which seems to think that Mr. Wilson is practically blind so faras Fiume is concerned. "

"You mean to say they 'ain't settled that Fiume thing yet, Mawruss?" Abeasked. 

"They did and they didn't, " Morris said. "Mr. Wilson give out a longstatement about it in which he thought he settled it, Abe, and theItalian peace delegates said they would go home and leave the PeaceConference flat, y'understand, and thought they settled it, but the wayit looks now, Abe, if the Peace Conference stays in session till they dosettle it, when Mr. Wilson comes back and explains the Peace Treaty toCongress, he will speak with such a strong French accent that only themembers from Louisiana will be able to understand a word he says. "

"But why does Mr. Wilson say that Italy shouldn't have Fiume?" Abeinquired. 

"Because it doesn't square up with his fourteen points, " Morris replied, "and seemingly he don't want to stretch a point. "

"Well, if he did, Mawruss, it wouldn't be the first time, " Abe declared, "because if you recollect them fourteen points, which is more than mostpeople could, Mawruss, point number one said that there should be opencovenants of peace openly arrived at, Mawruss, and also something aboutsuch terms being discussed openly, frankly, and in the public view, Mawruss, and the way Mr. Wilson has stretched that point, Mawruss, it'llnever look like the same point again. "

"Say!" Morris interrupted. "As a keep-it-dark proposition, Abe, Mr. Wilson 'ain't got nothing on this here Lloyd George, Clemenceau, and thefirm of Orlando & Sonnino, to say nothing of the Japanese delegates, which I suppose you heard about them secret treaties, Abe. "

"I never heard tell of them, " Abe replied. 

"Neither did Mr. Wilson until the other day, which the way it happenedwas this, " Morris continued: "Orlando & Sonnino was talking the wholething over in a friendly way with Lloyd George and Mr. Wilson, and Mr. Wilson says that when it come right down to it Italy's claims to Triestewasn't what would be called in the language of diplomacy exactly kosher, neither, and Sonnino says: 'Is that so? Well, how about our treaty?' Andalthough Orlando kicked his partner under the table and Lloyd Georgegive him one of them what-are-you-trying-to-do-spoil-everything looks, Mr. Wilson caught on right away. 'What treaty?' he asked, and LloydGeorge says: 'Why, you know what treaty. I was sitting right here whenClemenceau told you all about it, ' and it appears that all the time Mr. Wilson was kidding himself along that if he compromised by letting Italyhave Trieste, she would pass up Fiume, Abe, it seems she had a secretagreement with France and England that she was to have Trieste, anyway. "

"No wonder Mr. Wilson feels sore, " Abe remarked. 

"Wait, that ain't all, " Morris said. "Now it appears that Japan has alsoa secret treaty with France and England to get a slice of China whichformerly belonged to Germany, y'understand, and Mr. Wilson is beginningto experience what it is like when you sit in a poker game all eveningand don't find out till the last round is on that everybody else aroundthe table is playing for the house. "

"They could all be playing honest at that, Mawruss, " Abe suggested. 

"Sure they could, with the exception of having a couple of secrettreaties or so, " Morris agreed, "but at the same time, Abe, I wouldn'tbe a bit surprised if since the discovery of these here secret treaties, Mr. Wilson has waked up more than once somewheres around three A. M. Andasked himself did he or did he not need a mandatory, y'understand, andalso wondered what the folks back home is thinking--particularly a fewSenators like Lodge and Johnson. "

"I don't agree with you, Mawruss, " Abe declared. "I think that Mr. Wilson will get the better end of the deal, because from what hashappened in this war, Mawruss, diplomacy is one of them games where thefeller which don't know how to play it has got a big advantage over thefeller that does. So, therefore, while the old-time experienceddiplomatist is saying it never has been done that way and thereforecouldn't be done, Mawruss, a new beginner like Mr. Wilson has alreadygone to work and done it, which I bet yer right now, Mawruss, that ifMr. Wilson don't want Italy to have Fiume she won't get it, and the samething goes for Japan also, Mawruss--secret treaty or no secret treaty. "

"Still, there's a whole lot of people in America which would like to seeItaly get Fiume, Abe, " Morris said. 

"There was a whole lot of people, Mawruss, " Abe said, "but thissecret-treaty business has killed it, which if Italy wanted to be fairabout it, why didn't she come right out before the armistice even andsay, 'Look-a-here, we got a secret treaty and we may as well tell you soright from the start'?"

"Then the secret treaty wouldn't been no more secret, Abe, " Morris said. 

"She would have been doing the manly thing, anyway, " Abe said. 

"I know she would, " Morris admitted, "but that's the difference betweenthe old-fashioned Italian diplomacy and the new-fashioned Americandiplomacy. The Italians believe that there should be secret covenants ofpeace secretly arrived at, and we believe that there should be opencovenants of peace openly arrived at. "

"There is also the difference, Mawruss, that the Italians stick to theirbeliefs, " Abe concluded, "and we don't. "

XIV

THE FIRST DAY OF MAY

"I see where in Genoa they already changed the name of a street whichonly last week they called Wilson Avenue, Mawruss, " Abe Potash said onemorning after the rupture with Orlando. 

"Well, that's the trouble with calling articles after the latest popularsuccess, Abe, " Morris said. "It don't make no difference if it's streetsor cigars, the first thing you know the people gets a grouch on theoriginal of the brand and the manufacturer has got to tear up a fewthousand Flor de President Wilson labels and go back to calling it theRegalia de Ginsburg Brothers, or whatever the name was. "

"But in Genoa they didn't go back to the name of the old street, Mawruss, " Abe said. "They renamed it Fiume Street. "

"And it wouldn't surprise me in the least if a few Burleson streets waschanged to Second Class Avenue, Abe, " Morris declared, "on account thisis a time of great ups and downs in the reputations of politicians, notto say statesmen, Abe, which six months from now nobody would be able tosay offhand whether the name was Bela Hanson or Old Kun except theimmediate family in Budapest or Seattle, as the case may be. "

"In a way, Mawruss, the reputations of politicians, not to saystatesmen, can get to be, so to speak, a nuisance to theirfellow-countrymen, " Abe observed, "which it happens once in a while thatsome politicians and statesmen gets to having such a high regard fortheir reputations, Mawruss, they would sooner injure their country thantheir reputation. Italian statesmen, French statesmen, Englishstatesmen, and even, you might say, American statesmen goes about theirwork with one eye on the job in hand and the other eye on a possiblestatue or so at the junction of Main Street and Railroad Avenue in theirnative town, y'understand, with a subscription on the pedestal:

 "'HARRIS J. SONNINO

Erected by His Fellow-Townsmen of East Rome, August 1, 1919. '"

"Such an ambition, anyhow, makes the statesmen try to do the rightthing, " Morris observed. 

"And it also occasionally makes him do the obstinate thing, Mawruss, "Abe continued. "In fact, Mawruss, sometimes I couldn't help wishing thatit was the custom to have corporations and not men as ambassadors andpresidents, because it would be such a simple matter when theRepublicans nominated the Chicago Title Guarantee, Security and MortgageCompany for President and the Democrats nominated the Algonquin TrustCompany, of Pottstown, for the voters of the country to compare thestatement of assets of each company and judge which was the mostreliable, y'understand. Also, Mawruss, if the Algonquin Trust Companywas now President of the United States, understand me, and somebody wasto say they didn't like the way the President was running things at thePeace Conference, y'understand, nobody would have the nerve to arresthim for criticizing a great and good corporation like the AlgonquinTrust Company. Furthermore, Mawruss, if Italy had been represented atthis here Peace Conference not by Sonnino, but by the Milan TrustCompany, which no doubt acts as executor, guardian or trustee like anyother trust company, and therefore why not as ambassador, understand me, there never would have been no scrap about Fiume arising from the factthat the Milan Trust Company could never go home and face the people ofItaly without Fiume, and also nobody would have considered that Mr. Wilson's statement was a direct slap in the face of the Milan TrustCompany, Mawruss. "

"Listen, Abe, " Morris protested, "if you are trying to invent this_schmooes_ about corporations just so you could knock Mr. Wilson, y'understand, such a scheme wouldn't deceive a child even. "

"I wouldn't knock President Wilson for anything, Mawruss, " Abe retorted. "I _couldn't_ knock him, because when I think of Mr. Wilson I seebefore my eyes a good-looking gentleman with a pleasant smile on hisface, y'understand, and not very far away stands Mrs. Wilson, which, ifMr. Wilson didn't put over even one fourteenth of his fourteen points, Mawruss, his visit to Europe with Mrs. Wilson wouldn't be wasted, Mawruss, because it would have given them people over in the old countrya chance to see what an American lady is and should ought to be, y'understand. But on the other hand, Mawruss, if the Democrats _had_elected the Algonquin Trust Company as President of the United States atthe last election, y'understand, whenever I would think of the Presidentof the United States I would see before my eyes a twenty-five-storyfire-proof building with all the rents raised one hundred and fifty percent. Since last January, understand me, and I could go to work andknock with a clear conscience. "

"But why should you want to knock the President of the United States?"Morris demanded. 

"Ain't I telling you that I don't want to knock him?" Abe declared. "AllI am saying is that, if such a thing was possible, it would be a wholelot better to have a corporation as President of the United Statesinstead of an individual, Mawruss, because corporations don't get sick, corporations don't get insulted, a corporation _oser_ cares whether itgets cheered or hooted, and finally, Mawruss, a corporation couldn'tride around Italy in an open carriage with the King of Italy and givethe Italian people the impression that all they had to do was to askfor Fiume and it was theirs. "

"And another thing about a corporation, Abe, is that it ain't acopartnership where one partner could get every day a headache fromlistening to the other partner talking a lot of nonsense, Abe, " Morrisdeclared, "which you must got to remember that, beginning the first ofMay, if you would go to a soda-fountain and say, 'Give me something fora headache, ' they would give you a United States Internal Revenue stampfor which you would got to pay two cents before they would even take thecork out of the bromo-asperin bottle. "

"What's the difference whether they tax a headache coming or going, Mawruss?" Abe commented. 

"A whole lot of difference, " Morris said. "In the first place, the taxeswhich the country used to collect in one week from people when they werecatching headaches would be more than equivalence to the taxes which thecountry is going to the taxes which the country is going to collect frompeople curing headaches during the next ten years. Also, Abe, nobodythought it was a hardship to pay taxes on a coming headache, whereasthere will be a terrible howl go up over the tax on the same article inthe opposite direction. "

"At that, I think these here May 1st taxes is going to have a goodeffect on the American people, Mawruss, " Abe said, "because there'snothing like taxes to make a man wake up and take an interest in theway the government is being run. "

"A man would got to be an awful sound sleeper in that respect if hewasn't roused up a little by the income tax which he has been paying forthe past four or five years, Abe, " Morris said. 

"That's only once a year, Mawruss, " Abe said, "but these here May 1sttaxes is going to keep him awake three hundred and sixty-five days outof the year. People which thought you was a tightwad if you happened tomention that six hundred million dollars of the country's money was usedup in experimenting with aeroplanes, is now going to shriek in agonyevery time they buy a three-dollar-and-a-quarter shirt that it's a shameand a disgrace the way every little secretary in the President's Cabinetis gallivanting half over Europe on the people's money, and they'dprobably be just as hard if the shirt only cost two dollars and aquarter, excepting that the luxury tax of ten per cent. Is onlycollected from the purchasers of men's shirts of the value of threedollars and upwards on amounts in excess of three dollars each. Also, Mawruss, people which has just paid eight dollars for a bathrobe onwhich the tax would be ten per cent. Of fifty cents, or five cents cash, y'understand, is going to say: 'Couldn't that feller travel to and fromEurope in one state-room the same like anybody else? Must he got to havea whole steamboat?' and they will start right in to estimate that thecost of keeping a steamboat the size of the _George Washington_ incommission is forty-five thousand six hundred and twenty-two dollars andthirty-eight cents per diem, and is it any wonder you've got to pay aone-cent tax on every orange phosphate, understand me. "

"Some people is willing to get in a knock at Mr. Wilson without even somuch as an orange-phosphate tax for an excuse, Abe, " Morris said, significantly. 

"I know they are, " Abe replied, innocently, "and as forPostmaster-General Burleson, seemingly he couldn't suit nobody no matterwhat he does. Take, for instance, them fourteen bombs which was mailedin New York the other day, Mawruss, and if it wouldn't be thatPostmaster-General Burleson has probably given strict orders that nomail should be forwarded which was short even a half-a-centpostage-stamp even, the chances is that every one of them fourteen bombswould have been delivered and exploded by now. But suppose that, insteadof Postmaster-General Burleson, we would have had as Postmaster-Generalsome good-natured feller which when his New York representatives calledhim up and told him they were holding fourteen packages there foradditional postage, would have said: 'Oh, let 'em go. We couldn't affordto be small about a little thing like additional postage. ' And whatwould have happened? Why, the fourteen judges, mayors, and assortedSenators and district attorneys to which them packages was addressedwould have been lucky if they escaped with nothing worse than singedeyebrows, Mawruss. And to-day yet, Mawruss, them fellers which has gotonly Postmaster-General Burleson to thank that they can still riffle adeck of cards, understand me, is probably going around beefing about theterrible delay in the delivery of mail under the administration ofPostmaster-General Burleson. "

"And do you think that the police will ever find out who sent thembombs, Abe?" Morris asked. 

"Probably not, " Abe replied, "but they will probably find some man ormen who would have _liked_ to have sent them and would have been _glad_to have sent them, and as nobody is going to miss such fellers, Mawruss, it probably won't make much difference in the long run if any such caseof mistaken identity ain't discovered until the sentence is carried out, y'understand. "

"I see that it says in the paper where the anarchists which sent thembombs was celebrating the first day of May, which is the anarchists'Fourth of July, Abe, " Morris observed, "which, considering all thetrouble that takes place in Europe with general strikes and riots on thefirst of May, Abe, it's a wonder to me that the constitution of theLeague of Nations didn't contain an article providing that in theinterests of international peace, y'understand, the month of May shouldhereafter contain thirty days instead of thirty-one, commencing with thesecond day of May, and leave them anarchists up against it for a day tocelebrate. "

"The first of May is the socialists' Fourth of July, not theanarchists', " Abe said, "which, while it is possible that these hereanarchists sent them bombs around the first of May out of compliment totheir friends the socialists, Mawruss, an anarchist don't attach noparticular sentiment to the day when a bomb explodes, just so long as itdoes enough damage, Mawruss. "

"Just the same, I am in favor of doing away with the first of May, "Morris insisted, "and if it ain't practical to abolish the date, Abe, let 'em anyhow cut out the celebration. Them general strikes causes awhole lot of trouble. "

"They do if you take them seriously, " Abe agreed, "because in thiscountry, at least, Mawruss, only a few people takes part in the Mayfirst general strike. This year we only had two of our work-people awayon account of the general strike, and one of them now claims he stayedhome on account of injuring his hand in one of our buttonhole-machines, which I have got proof to show, Mawruss, that when the police threw himout of the hall where the meeting was taking place he landed on hiswrist. "

"He should have landed on his neck, " Morris observed, "because if themsocialists get hurt by their nonsense it's their own fault, Abe. They goto work and announce a general strike, and naturally the authoritiestakes them seriously and gets ready for trouble with a lot of policemen, which you know as well as I do, Abe, when the police gets ready fortrouble they usually find it, even if they have to make it themselves. The consequence is, Abe, that a fractured skull has become practicallythe occupational disease of being a socialist, just the same asphosphorus-poisoning attacked people which worked in match-factories inthe old days before the Swedish manufacturers invented matches whichstrike only on the box one time out of fifty if the weather conditionsis just right. "

"Sure, I know, " Abe observed, "but people worked in match-factoriesbecause they couldn't make a living in any other way, Mawruss, whereasnobody compels any one to be a socialist if he don't want to, Mawruss, and what enjoyment them socialists get out of it I don't know. "

"It gives them, for one thing, the privilege of wearing a red necktie, "Morris suggested. 

"And that don't make them a first-class risk for accident insurance, "Abe concluded, "around the first of May, anyhow. "

XV

THE PEACE TREATY AS GOOD READING

"At last the wind-up of this here Peace Conference seems to be in sight, Mawruss, " Abe Potash said to his partner, Morris Perlmutter, the dayafter the Treaty of Peace was handed to the German plenipotentiaries. "As short a time ago since as last week it begun to look like ourAmerican delegates was going to stay in Paris for the rest of theirlives, which, according to the tables of mortality prepared by some ofour leading life-insurance companies, based on the average ages of allfive of them delegates, would be anyhow until August 1, 1919. "

"Well, they seem to have done a pretty good job, Abe, " Morris observed. "I read over the accounts of the Treaty of Peace, Abe, and what themGermans has got to do outside of restoring the skull of the SultanOkwawa under Section Eight of the treaty would keep her busy for fiftyyears yet. "

"And who is this here Sultan Okwawa?" Abe inquired. 

"I don't know, " Morris replied, "but, considering the number of skullswhich needs restoring on account of what the Germans done during thepast five years, Abe, and also considering the fact that this is theonly skull mentioned by name in the Peace Treaty, he must of had somepretty influential friends at the Peace Conference. Also, I see that theGermans is also to give back the papers belonging to M. Reuher whichthey took in 1871, and, although Section Eight don't say nothing aboutit, I presume that if the papers are returned the finder can keep themoney which was in the wallet at the time it was lost. "

"Do you mean to tell me that this here Peace Treaty has got such smallparticulars like that in it?" Abe demanded. 

"It don't seem to have overlooked anything, Abe, " Morris went on, "which, when you consider that Mr. Wilson started in--in a smallway--with only fourteen points, it's already wonderful how that manworked his way up. There must be several hundred thousand points in thatPeace Treaty, including such points like the Sultan's skull and thishere Reuher's papers, which Mr. Wilson never even dreamed of when he satdown that day in January, 1918, and thought out the original fourteen. "

[Illustration: "which when you consider that Mr. Wilson started in--in asmall way"]

"He probably considered that if we ever licked Germany sufficient tomake her accept as much as thirty-three and a third per cent. Of themfourteen points that we would be doing well already, " Abe remarked. 

"And so did everybody else, " Morris agreed. "And now they would got toaccept a Treaty of Peace which loads up Germany with practically everypunishment that this here Peace Conference could think of exceptProhibition. "

"I must read that treaty sometime, " Abe said. "It sounds like it wouldbe quite amusing already. "

"Amusing ain't no name for it, " Morris said. "The way the Americanpeople is going to enjoy reading that Treaty of Peace, Abe, would putMr. Wilson not only in the class of favorite American Presidents alongwith George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, but also would give him aninsured position as one of America's favorite authors along with HarryBell Wright and Bradstreet. A good American could pass a very profitablemonth or so skimming it over, Abe, which it consists of fifteensections, of which only the head-lines fills three full pages of themorning papers. "

"Well, how long do you think it would take them German delegates to readit, Mawruss?" Abe inquired. 

"They ain't going to read it, " Morris said. "They're only going to signit, and it ain't a bad idea, neither, because if they did read it, Abe, some of them Germans would drop dead along about the second section, which describes how much of Germany is left after France, Poland, Denmark, and Belgium gets through helping themselves. "

"Might they would expire while they was reading the first section, maybe, " Abe suggested. 

"The first section 'ain't got nothing to do with Germany, " Morrisexplained. "The first section consists of the constitution of the Leagueof Nations. "

"Is that the same constitution of the League of Nations which themUnited States Senators raised such a round robin about?" Abe asked. 

"It has been changed since then, " Morris said. "The amendments consistof two commas contributed by ex-President Taft and a semicolon fromCharles Evans Hughes. Elihu Root also suggested they insert the words_as aforesaid_ in the first paragraph and also the words _anythinghereinbefore contained to the contrary notwithstanding_ in the lastparagraph, but couldn't get by with it. However, Abe, the League ofNations is already such old stuff that people reading it in Section Oneof the Peace Treaty will in all probability skip it the way they did thefirst time it come out, and, anyhow, the real Treaty of Peace, so far asthe plot and action is concerned, don't start till the second section. "

"Could you remember any of the second section?" Abe asked. 

"That's the section which tells about how much territory Germany givesup to Poland, France, Belgium, and Denmark, and after it goes intoeffect, Abe, it is going to considerably alter the words, if not themusic, of '_Deutschland, Deutschland, ueber Alles_, '" Morris declared. "It also means, Abe, that the school-boys who used to was geographysharks and could bound Germany right off the reel, Abe, would now got tolearn them boundaries all over again and then take half an hour or soto tell what they've learned. You see, Abe, the Danzig area, forinstance, consists of a V made a W by the addition of a similar V on thewest, including the city of Danzig and--"

"Excuse me, " Abe interrupted, "but this here sounds like a clothingalteration to me, which, if Germany's boundary was made smaller, why didthey got to put a couple of V's into it?"

"The V's was put into Poland's boundary, not Germany's, " Morris said. 

"And I bet that Poland breathes a whole lot easier now that her boundaryhas got a couple of V's in it, " Abe commented. 

"Them two V's ain't all Poland gets, " Morris continued. "She also getsthe southeastern tip of Silesia beyond and including Oppeln, most ofPosen and West Prussia, and a line is drawn from--"

"That's all right, " Abe said. "I'll take your word for it, Mawruss, because, while that might be music to some people's ears, when it comesto geography I couldn't tell one note from another. So go ahead and tellme what is in the next section. "

"The next section is also got in it a little complicated geography, Abe, " Morris said. "It practically repeats what was said in the lastsection about how much territory Germany gives up, and then proceeds torub it in. You know, of course, about the Sarre Basin. "

"I _say_ I do, but don't let that stop you, " Abe replied. "Go ahead anddescribe it to me just like as if I didn't. "

"Well, to make a long story short before I tell it, Abe, " Morris said, "the Sarre Valley, which in Germany is like the Scranton andWilkes-Barre section in Pennsylvania, is to be practically owned byFrance for fifteen years. At the end of that time, an election is goingto be held and the people will vote as to whether they want to stayFrench or go back to Germany. "

"And I suppose France will count the votes, " Abe commented, "in whichcase she will probably appoint a board of elections consisting ofwhoever happens to be the Philadelphia director of public safety at thattime, the leader of the Eighth Assembly District of New York City, and acouple of Chicago aldermen, Mawruss. "

"The Treaty of Peace don't provide for it, " Morris said, "but if anyodds are quoted on the Curb, Abe, it wouldn't be on the result, but thesize of the majority. There is also the same kind of an election to beheld in Schleswig-Holstein, without much chance of a recount takingplace, either, but so far as the rest of Sections Three, Four, and Fiveis concerned, Abe, Germany gives up all her interests in every part ofthe world without the privilege of even having all those in favor pleasesaying Aye, y'understand. "

"It would have made a big noise, anyhow, " Abe declared. "Because theonly people who ain't in favor of Germany giving up her colonies isGermans, and not _all_ Germans at that. "

"However, what happens to Germany in the first five sections of thishere Peace Treaty, Abe, is only, so to speak, the soup and entrée of themeal which the Allies makes of her, " Morris said. "Section Six is wherethe real knife-and-fork work begins, Abe, which it starts right in withthe German army and reduces it to the size of the Salvation Army, exclusive of the doughnut-cooking department. "

"I'm surprised that you should compare the Salvation Army to a low-lifearmy like the German army, " Abe protested. 

"I am only talking for the sake of argument, Abe, " Morris assured him, "which if this here Section Six is carried out, Abe, the new German armywouldn't be armed with anything near as dangerous as doughnuts. In fact, Abe, the way this here Peace Treaty specifies what arms and ammunitionthe German army should be supplied with, the only thing that it wouldgot to remind it that it is an army and not a _Sängerbund_ would be theuniforms. "

"And I am surprised that the Peace Treaty didn't forbid uniforms also, Mawruss, " Abe said, "because if it wouldn't of been for his uniforms, Mawruss, the chances is that the German people would of caught on tothat miserable four-flusher of a Kaiser already long since ago, Mawruss. Take these here spiked helmets, in particular the ones which is made ofnickel plate, Mawruss, and only to wear such a thing is liable to bringout all the meanness in them naturally mean German soldiers, Mawruss, sotherefore I am in favor that the Peace Treaty be amended by providingthat the uniform of the German army should be a three-button, black, single-breasted sack suit with no padding in the shoulders, Mawruss, andthe helmet should be a brown derby hat of the pattern of 1898, and thatthe soldiers agree to wear this derby hat, of the same block and widthof brim, for at least twenty years, Mawruss, because nothing takes theconceit out of a man so much as wearing a funny-looking hat, y'understand. "

"This here Peace Treaty don't need no outside assistance when it comesto taking the conceit out of the German army, and the navy, neither, Abe, " Morris continued. "In fact, Section Six does the same to theGerman navy as you would like to do to the German army, excepting that, instead of derby hats, it refers to battle-ships. In other words, Abe, it says that the German navy should have only six small battle-ships andthat none of them could be replaced inside of twenty years. Justconsider for a moment how it feels for a speed-bug which once used toconsider that if he didn't buy himself every three months a newspecial-body twin six, y'understand, that he was living pretty close tothe cushion, and condemn such a feller to go round for the next twentyyears in a four-cylinder 1910-model Punkocar, Abe, and you will get somesmall idea of what Admiral von Tirpitz and all them other bloodthirstyGerman admirals feels when they read that part of Section Six whichrefers to the new German navy. "

"That wasn't the way they used to feel, " Abe declared. "Up to a few daysago, Mawruss, von Tirpitz and Hindenburg and all them other German armyand navy experts was treating this war like it would of been a pinochlegame, and each of them was busy explaining by post-mortems how if hispartner hadn't played the hand rotten they would have won by threepoints, not counting the last trick, but what are you going to do with a_Strohschneider_ like that, and so forth. "

"Did they mention anything about playing with marked cards?" Morrisasked. 

"They did not, " Abe said, "nor did they say anything about havingstacked the cards or dealing off of the bottom of the deck, Mawruss, butyou would think from the way them fellers acted at Versailles, Mawruss, that this here Peace Conference is the breakup of a nice little friendlygame, y'understand, and that _not_ only should the winners take I. O. U's. From the losers, but that it is also up to the winners to serve agood delicatessen supper and pay for the lights and attendance. "

"That must have been before they heard about the _capora_ which is instore for them under Section Seven of this here Peace Treaty, Abe, "Morris said, "which in order that there shouldn't be any softening ofthe sound to them German cauliflower ears, Abe, the words _one billion_ain't used at all, but instead it speaks about a thousand millionpounds, Abe, and, while it ain't any harder to raise than one billionpounds, it certainly gives you the impression that it is. "

"And how many of these thousands of millions of pounds must the Germanpeople got to pay before they get through?" Abe asked. 

"That the Peace Treaty don't say, Abe, " Morris replied. "It leaves thefixing of the total amount for a commission to be appointed later, Abe, and the German people will be notified of their liabilities not laterthan May 1, 1921; but in the mean time, Abe, just to keep up theirspirits they would got to pay a few instalments of one thousand millionpounds each. "

"But if the instalments is one thousand million pounds each, Mawruss, what do you think will be the grand total which Germany would have topay?" Abe asked. 

"About the same grand total as the Allies would have been obliged to payif Germany had won, " Morris replied. 

"And how much would that have been?" Abe inquired. 

"All they could raise, Abe, " Morris concluded, "plus ten per cent. "

XVI

THE GERMAN ROMAN HOLIDAY AND THE AMERICANIZATION OF AMERICANS

"I was speaking to my wife's sister's boy which he is just getting readyto gradgawate from High School, Mawruss, and I wish you could hear theway that feller talks, Mawruss, " Abe Potash said to his partner, MorrisPerlmutter. 

"I shall probably got to have that pleasure, Abe, " Morris Perlmutterreplied, "because the first thing your wife's relations does when theygradgawate from school or go broke, as the case may be, is to get a jobin this place and the second thing they do is to get fired. "

"Listen, Mawruss, " Abe said, "if I would of given jobs in this place tothe number of relations by marriage which you already stuck me with, y'understand, I might just so well run a free business college and bedone with it, which what I was going to say was that this here youngfeller was telling me that in the old days when the Romans won a war theway the Allies did, they used to make the losers walk in a parade sothat the Roman people could see how them losers suffered. "

"And what's that got to do with my giving jobs to my wife's relations?"Morris inquired. 

"It 'ain't got nothing to do with it, but if you would let me open mymouth once in a while and not try to gag me every time I want to tellyou something, Mawruss, " Abe continued, "maybe I could learn yousomething. "

"Maybe, " Morris admitted, "but when you start in to tell about how smartone of your nephews by marriage is, Abe, it generally ends up by ourpaying a few weeks' salary to a young feller which all he learned aboutdouble entry is making birds with a pen, so I just want to warn youbefore you go any further, Abe, that in the future with me, Abe, if anyof your nephews is an expert bird-maker with a pen, y'understand, youshould please find him a job in a millinery concern and let me out. "

"I wasn't going to say nothing about giving a job to nobody, " Abeprotested. "All I am trying to tell you is that if the Treaty of Peace, which you talked my head off about the other day, contained a sectionthat the Germans should walk in a parade and show to the Allies how thatPeace Treaty made them suffer, Mawruss, Lenine and Trotsky and all theother crickets who abuse Mr. Wilson like the New York Republicannewspapers and the American ladies who are attending that ZurichPermanent Peace Convention, would of called the Allies all sorts ofbarbarians, y'understand. However, Mawruss, it only goes to show howunnecessary such a section in the Peace Treaty would be, Mawruss, because the Germans is now obliging with a wonderful Roman exhibitionof themselves. In fact, Mawruss, from the lowest to the highest, themGerman people seems to be saying to each other, 'Let's act like realGermans and make the worst of it!'"

"Did any one expect anything else from them Germans?" Morris asked. 

"Well, from the way this here four-flusher von Brockdorff-Rantzaubehaved the day they handed him the Peace Treaty, Mawruss, " Abe said, "it looked like the Germans had made up their minds to be just sostiff-necked as they always was, Mawruss, and I begun to think that theywere going to treat it as a case of _so mechullah, so mechullah_, y'understand, but the way them Germans is now crying like children, Mawruss, there ain't going to be enough sackcloth and ashes in Germanyto go around, and them German professors will have to get busy andinvent some _ersatz_ sackcloth and ashes to supply the demand. "

"Crooks are always poor sports, Abe, " Morris declared, "in particularwhen they throw themselves on the mercy of the people that they didn'tintend to show no mercy to themselves. Take this here Ebert, forinstance, and he don't make no bones about saying that the German peoplerelied on President Wilson and the United States of America being easymarks, but _ai Tzuris_, what a mistake that was! In effect he says thatPresident Wilson on January 22, 1917, made the statement that the victormust not force his conditions on the vanquished, and relying on thatstatement, Germany went to work and got into a war with the UnitedStates because if Germany got licked, y'understand, the worst that canhappen her is that she makes peace again on her own terms, and then whenGermany did get licked, see what happens to her. President Wilsonbehaves like a frozen snake in the grass which somebody tries to warm byputting the snake into his pants pocket, y'understand, and when thesnake gets thawed out, understand me, it bites the hand that feeds it, and what are you going to do in a case like this?"

"At that, Mawruss, Ebert ain't making near so bad an exhibition ofhimself as this here Prince von Hohenlohe. There was a feller which wasused to was the German Chancellor, Mawruss, " Abe said, "and the dirtydeals which he helped to put over on the Rumanians and the Russians, byway of Treaties of Peace, y'understand, was such that if we would ofattempted it with the Germans, Mawruss, and the United States Congresswould of confirmed it, Mawruss, Victor Berger would be fighting to belet out of the House of Representatives and to be admitted toLeavenworth, instead of _vice versa_, on the grounds that he didn't wantto associate with no crooks, y'understand, but seemingly this hereHohenlohe is suffering from loss of memory as well as loss ofself-respect, Mawruss, because he is now making speeches in which he isweeping all over his already tear-stained copy of the Peace Treaty andcalling it the Tragedy of Versailles, whereas compared to the Treaty ofPeace which you might call the Tragedy of Brest-Litovsk, Mawruss, thishere Versailles Treaty of Peace is a Follies of 1919 with just one laughafter another, y'understand. "

"And I see also where this here Scheidemann is also figuring verylargely in this here Roman exhibition the Germans is making ofthemselves, Abe, " Morris observed. "He said the other day that theGermans would never, never, never--or anyhow not until next Thursday aweek--sign the Peace Treaty. He put his hand on where a German's heartwould be if he had one, Abe, and said that no Germans would positivelyand absolutely not submit to any such Treaty of Peace as the one offeredto them, or that is to say they would not submit to it except on andafter May 22, 1919, and anyhow, nobody would ever trust President Wilsonagain. "

"And yet, Mawruss, when them Germans gets over the first shock of thishere Peace Treaty and wipe away their tears sufficient to see things alittle more clearly, y'understand, " Abe commented, "it is just barelypossible that they are going to do some rapid figuring on what they gainby not supporting a few thousand princes, not to mention the money whichthat bloodthirsty Kaiser and his family used to draw in salaries andcommissions, Mawruss, and when these amounts are offset againstindemnities which the Germans are required to pay under the PeaceTreaty, Mawruss, it will in all probability be found that the Germannation is beggared, as this here Scheidemann would say, to the extent of$0. 831416 per capita per annum by such indemnities. The result is goingto be that some of them Germans will then begin to figure how maybe itwas worth that much money per capita per annum to get rid of that_rosher_ and they will also begin to realize that it has been worth evenmore than that much per capita per annum to the Allied people to see aperformance such as the German people continuing to weep in sympathywith Ebert and Scheidemann, y'understand, they will be advising them twoboys to go and take for ten cents apiece some mathematic spirits ofammonia and quit their sobbing. "

"However, Abe, " Morris remarked, "there was a few Americans whichinstead of being in the audience enjoying the performance was back onthe stage with the Germans and weeping just so hard as any of them. Takethese here American lady delegates to the small-time Peace Conferencewhich is running at Zurich, Switzerland, in opposition to the oldoriginal Peace Conference in Paris, Abe, and them ladies with theirvoices choked by tears, Abe, passed a resolution that be it resolvedthat the Peace Treaty is already secret diplomacy, that it is the oldcase of the side winning the war getting the spoils, and a lot of otherresolutions to which the only resolution anybody could pass in answer tosuch resolutions would be, 'Well, what of it?'"

"That only proves to me, Mawruss, how necessary it is, this hereAmericanization work which you read so much about in the papers, " Abedeclared. "Here is four American ladies which is lived in the countryfor some years--in fact, ever since they was born, and that ain't such ashort time neither, when you see their pictures, Mawruss, and yet themladies talks like they never heard tell of the Star-spangled Banner. Seemingly the fact that we licked Germany don't appeal to them at all, and so far as these resolutions which they passed between sobs, Mawruss, gives any indications, Mawruss, they would like to have seen this hereEuropean War end in a draw, with perhaps Germany getting just a shadethe better of it. "

"And what has all this got to do with Americanization work, Abe?" Morrisinquired. "I always thought that Americanization was taking thegreenhorns which comes to this country from Europe, and teaching themhow to think and act like Americans. "

"That comes afterward, Mawruss, " Abe said, "because it seems that eversince this here European War, Mawruss, Americanization needs to begin athome, Mawruss, and that the first ones to be Americanized should oughtto be Americans. There is, for instance, Mr. O. G. Villard, who was bornand raised in this country, Mawruss, which he comes out with a statementthe other day that them loafers of the Munich soviet who killed all themprofessors and ladies a couple of weeks ago, compared very favorablywith the legislatures of the states of New York and Pennsylvania, Mawruss. Now when you consider that them two legislatures is part of ourgovernment, Mawruss, the way it looks to me is that if a foreigner hadsaid such a thing he would have been Americanized without the option ofa fine by the nearest city magistrate. "

"At the same time, Abe, " Morris said, "when you read in the papers aboutthe New York State Senator Thompson and the goings-on up in Albany, Abe, it looks like Americanization should ought to be done at the source, y'understand, and then it wouldn't be necessary to Americanize Mr. Villard at all. "

"Sure, I know, Mawruss, " Abe agreed, "but what I am driving into is thatAmericanization for Americans must appeal very strongly to coloredAmericans, especially the Americanization of those Americans who believethat the colored man should ought to be put in his place and don'thesitate about designating the place as the end of a rope without thetrouble and expense of a jury trial, y'understand. "

"I would even get a little more personal as that, Abe, " Morris declared. "I would even say that there should ought to be classes inAmericanization for those Americans who believe that the religion andrace origin of certain other Americans makes them eligible to give theirchildren's lives to the country and their money to Red Cross and otherWar Drives--but that it don't make them eligible to stay at first-classsummer hotels or play golluf by first-class country clubs. "

"Say, " Abe broke in, "there is need of more important Americanizationamong Americans than that, Mawruss. There should ought to beAmericanization of Americans who think it is American for landlords toask for raises of their rent and un-American for workmen to ask forraises of their wages. In fact, this whole Americanization movementshould ought to be centered on Americanizing out of Americans anyhabits, customs, or schemes they try to put across which is apt to makePolish-Americans, Italian-Americans, Jewish-Americans or AssortedForeign-Americans say to one another, 'Well, if that's the way Americansbehave, give me back my hyphen and let me go home. '"

"Well, after all, Abe, it's a mighty small bunch of Americans whichain't Americanized yet, " Morris observed. 

"I know it, " Abe said, "and it's their smallness which makes me sore, Mawruss, because no matter how small they are by number, or nature, Mawruss, they are the ones that the Turks pulled on us when we protestedabout them poor Armenians _nebich_. Also, Mawruss, if Mr. Wilson shouldprotest that the new Polish Republic ain't treating our people asequals, y'understand, the new Polish Republic could come right backwith: 'Neither is any number of summer hotels we could name in theAdirondacks Mountains of your own United States. ' Also, if the PeaceDelegates from this country gives a hint to the Greeks that there iscolonies of Bulgarians living in Greece for years already which wants tobe Greeks and should ought to have the same voting rights as Greeks, y'understand, all Venezuela or whatever the Greek secretary of state hasgot to say is, 'Well, we hold that these people 'ain't got a right tovote under a law called the Grandfather Law, which we copied fromsimilar laws passed in the states of Georgia, Alabama, andMississippi--in your own United States, ' and them poor old PeaceDelegates of ours wouldn't have a word to say. "

"At that, Abe, I think all them disagreeable things in this country isgoing to be changed by the war, " Morris suggested. 

"Perhaps, Mawruss, " Abe concluded, "but considering what changes havetaken place because of this war, it's wonderful how little changedthings really are. "

XVII

MR. WILSON'S FAVOR OF THE 20TH ULTO. AND CONTENTS NOTED

"Yes, Mawruss, " Abe Potash said to his partner, Morris Perlmutter, onemorning recently, "a feller which has got to write to the newspaper tosay that he didn't say what the newspaper said he said when it reportedhis speech, y'understand, has usually made a pretty rotten speech in thefirst place, and in the second place when he tries to explain what itreally was that he did say, Mawruss, it practically always sounds worsethan what the newspaper said he said. "

"But what did he say and who said it, Abe?" Morris inquired. 

"Ambassador Morgenstimmung or Morgenstern, I couldn't remember which, Mawruss, " Abe replied, "and although he 'ain't wrote to the newspapersyet to deny that he said it, Mawruss, it is only a question of time whenhe would do so, because he either said one thing or the other, but hecouldn't say both. "

"Listen, Abe, if you think that unless you break it to me gradually whatthis here Morgenstern said, it would be too much of a shock to me, "Morris announced, "let me tell you that it is a matter of indifferenceto me _what_ he said. "

"So it is to 'most everybody else except the immediate family, Mawruss, "Abe continued, "but not to keep you in suspense, Mawruss, what thisAmbassador Morgenstern said was in a speech to the American soldiers inCoblenz where he told them that there was going to be another big war inwhich America would got to fight during the next fifteen or twentyyears, and also that he had every confidence in the League of Nations. "

"Well, there's a whole lot of United States Senators which has got thesame kind of confidence in the League of Nations, Abe, " Morris declared. "In fact, some of them is confident that the League of Nations willbring about a war for us in even less than fifteen years. "

"Well, I'll tell you, " Abe said, "the word _confidence_ has got a wholelot of different meanings, Mawruss, and it's quite possible that thishere Ambassador Morgenstern used the word with reference to the Leagueof Nations in its Chatham Square or green-goods meaning, becauseotherwise how could the League of Nations cause another war in less thanfifteen years, unless, of course, the feller which prophesied it was aRepublican Senator, which Mr. Morgenstern is not. "

"To tell you the truth, Abe, " Morris said, "I have heard and read somany different things about this here League of Nations that it wouldn'tsurprise me in the least if the final edition of it provided that anynation which didn't go to war at least once every three years with someother nation or nations, y'understand, should be expelled from theLeague of Nations with costs, y'understand, and in fact, Abe, it is myopinion that when some one makes a speech about this here League ofNations nowadays, he might just so well write a letter to himselfdenying that he said what the newspaper said he said, and let it go atthat, because it's a hundred to one that he was the only person whodidn't skip it when it was printed in its original garbled condition. "

"At that, Mawruss, you are going to be really and truly surprised tofind out what that League of Nations covenant means when it comes up tobe argued about by the United States Senate, " Abe observed, "because agreat many of them Senators is high-grade, crackerjack, A-number-onelawyers on the side, Mawruss, and formerly used to make their livings byshowing that the contract which the plaintiff made with the defendantmeant just the opposite to what the plaintiff or defendant meant it tomean--or _vice versa_, according to which end of the lawsuit such aSenator was arguing on, Mawruss, so you can imagine what is going tohappen to that League of Nations covenant. Take a level-headed lawyerlike Senator Hiram S. Johnson of California, Mawruss, which he 'ain'tgot the least disposition to believe that the League of Nations covenantmeans what President Wilson says it means, understand me, and when hegets through showing what he thinks it means, and Senator Borah getsthrough showing what _he_ thinks it means, and Senator Reed gets throughthinking what HE thinks it means, understand me, that League of Nationscovenant will have as many different meanings as the contested last willand testament of a childless millionaire who has married a telephoneoperator on his death-bed to spite his grandnieces and nephews, Mawruss. "

"Congress will have a lot of other matters to settle before that Leagueof Nations comes up, Abe, " Morris said, "which I was reading the otherday the message which President Wilson wrote from Paris, and hecertainly laid out a lot of work for them to do till he gets back. "

"You mean that letter of May 20th where he says: 'Dear Gents: Sorry notto be with you and I have been out of touch with things over in Americaso long that you will know a whole lot better than I do what is neededin the way of laws, ' Mawruss, and then goes to work and tells them whatis needed to the extent of half a newspaperful?" Abe asked. 

"I couldn't remember the exact words, " Morris replied. 

"Well, I've been expecting every day to see in the newspapers that hegot an answer from the round robins reading: 'Dear Sir: Yours of the20th inst. To hand and contents noted and in reply would say we wouldn'tpositively do nothing of the kind, and in case you are not back withsamples on or before ten days from date, we will take such steps as wemay think proper to protect our interests in the matter and oblige, '"Abe said, "because if you will remember, Mawruss, them round robinswanted Mr. Wilson to let the Senate go on making laws while he was away, and the President says, 'You couldn't make no laws till I get back, ' andthen when them round robins asked him when he would be back, he said, 'I'll be back when I am back, ' and now he ain't back, and he has got toask them round robins to go to work with the other Senators andCongressmen and make the laws which they wanted to make in the firstplace, Mawruss. "

"Then it is going to be some time before he gets back if any such adeadlock like that happened, Abe, " Morris said, "because I see where itsays in the papers that Mr. Wilson won't come back until he has signedthe treaties of peace with Germany and Austria, and France and Englandwon't agree to finish up the treaties for Mr. Wilson's signature untilthey know that the United States Senate will ratify them and the UnitedStates Senate won't ratify them until they are finished up and submittedto them signed by Mr. Wilson, and then I didn't read no more about it, Abe, because I begun to get dizzy. "

"I very often get that way myself nowadays when I am reading in thenewspapers, Mawruss, " Abe said, "in particular when they print them fulltexts, like the full text of the League of Nations Covenant or the fulltext of the President's message. Former times when the papers had in'em straight murders and bank robberies from the inside or out, Mawruss, and you sat opposite somebody in the Subway who had to move his lipswhile he was reading, you took it for granted that he was an ignoramuswhich had to hear them simple words pronounced, even if it was by hisown lips, before he could understand them, Mawruss, but you take thishere letter of the 20th inst. , Mawruss, and when you read wherePresident Wilson says with reference to telephone and telegraph rates, Mawruss, 'there are many confusions and inconsistencies of rates. Thescientific means by which communication by such instrumentalities couldmissing be rendered more thorough and satisfactory has not been madefull use of, ' understand me, you could move your lips, your scalp, Heaven and Earth, Mawruss, and still you couldn't tell what Mr. Wilsonwas driving into. "

"Well, I glanced over that Message myself, Abe, " Morris said, "and thecapital I's was sticking up all through it like toothpicks on thecashier's desk of an armchair lunch-room, Abe. In just a few lines, Abe, Mr. Wilson says, 'I hesitate, I feel, I am conscious, I trust, I may, Ishall, I dare say, I hope and I shall, ' and when he started to saysomething about Woman Suffrage, he undoubtedly begun with 'May I not, 'but evidently when he showed the first draft to Colonel House orsomebody, they said, 'Why do you always say, _May I not_'? and afterdiscussing such substitutes as '_Doch allow me_, ' 'If you 'ain't got noobjections, ' and 'You would excuse me if I would take the liberty, ' Abe, they decided to use, 'Will you not permit me, ' so, therefore, that partof the President's message which talks about Woman Suffrage says, 'Willyou not permit me to speak once more and very earnestly of the proposedamendment to the Constitution and so forth, ' and that, to my mind, iswhat give President Wilson the idea that it might be a good thing to letthe manufacture and sale of wine and beer continue after June 30th, which he probably argued, 'If I have such a tough time shaking off the_May-I-not_ habit, how about them poor fellers which has got the liquorhabit?'"

"Maybe he figured that way and maybe he didn't, Mawruss, " Abe said, "butif any one feels that he ought to stock up with a few bottles of winefor _kiddush_ or _habdolah_ purposes on or after June 30, 1919, Mawruss, he oughtn't to be misled by anything President Wilson said in his letterof the 20th ulto. , Mawruss, because when it comes to extending the lifeof the beer and wine industry after June 30th, Mawruss, them Senatorsand Representatives is more likely to take suggestions from thePresident of the Anti-Saloon League than from the President of theUnited States. "

"And I don't know but what they are right at that, Abe, " Morris said, "because this here Prohibition is strictly a matter of what the majoritythinks, Abe. "

"But from the howl that has been going up, Mawruss, " Abe protested, "itlooks to me like the majority of people wants the sale of schnapps tocontinue. "

"I didn't say it was a question of what they want, Abe, " Morrisdeclared, "I said it was a question of what the majority thinks, and themajority of people thinks that while they can drink schnapps and theycan let it alone, Abe, the majority of people also think that themajority of the people who drink schnapps would be a whole lot betteroff without it. So that's the way it stands, Abe. Nobody wants to leaveoff buying liquor, but nobody wants to take the responsibility ofletting the sale of liquor continue. "

"Also, Mawruss, I've been reading a good many articles in the magazinesabout this here Prohibition lately, " Abe declared, "and in every casethe writer shows how disinterested he is, y'understand, by stating rightat the start that so far as he is concerned, they could leave offselling liquor to-morrow and he would be perfectly satisfied. "

"And he is going to have to be, Abe, " Morris said, "because that way oflooking at the liquor question is what has brought about Prohibition. Practically everybody who drinks schnapps and enjoys it, Abe, is afraidthat everybody else who drinks schnapps and _enjoys_ it is going tothink that he drinks schnapps and enjoys it, so he goes to work andpulls this phony unselfish stuff about, 'So-far-as-I-am-concerned, itdon't make no difference how soon the country goes Prohibition, ' and theresult is that the country is going Prohibition, and nobody even now hasgot nerve enough to admit that it's going to cut him out of a greatmany good times in the future. "

"Well, there's one thing about it, Mawruss, " Abe declared, "it's goingto make near-by foreign countries, no matter what the climate may be, great summer and winter resorts for these fellers who don't care howsoon Prohibition goes into effect and who will continue not to careuntil 1 A. M. On July 1, 1919. Yes, Mawruss, this here Prohibition isgoing to give a wonderful boost to the business of building bridgesacross the Rio Grande River and to running lines of steamers between theUnited States and them foreign countries near by where the inhabitantshave got it figured out that if you drink and enjoy it, you might justas well admit it before it's too late to keep the government from nottaking a joke, if you know what I mean. "

"Sure I know what you mean, " Morris said, "and it has always seemed tome, Abe, that even the Scotch whisky business ain't going to be affectedso adversely by this here Prohibition, neither, except that themerchandise is going to reach its ultimate hobnail liver _via_ Mexicoand Cuba instead of New York and Chicago, and furthermore, Abe, therewill be a great demand for sleepers on them northbound trains fromMexico, and the berths will only have to be made up once on leaving theMexican frontier. However, the diners won't do much of a business onthem trains, but they will certainly have to carry extra-large ice-watertanks. "

"And while I don't wish them drink-and-leave-it-alone fellers noparticular harm, Mawruss, " Abe declared, vehemently, "some time whenthey are traveling on one of them oasis-bound limiteds, Mawruss, itwould serve them right if it run off the rails or something and shook'em up just enough to make them realize the inconvenience their ownfoolishness has brought on them. "

"Say!" Morris exclaimed. "I didn't know you was taking this Prohibitionaffair so much to heart, Abe. "

"What do you mean--take it so much to heart?" Abe protested. "I take aglass of schnapps once in a while, Mawruss, but so far as I am concernedthis here Prohibition can come into effect this afternoon yet, and itwouldn't affect me none. "

"I am the same way, Abe. I can drink and I can leave it alone, " Morrissaid. "Or, anyhow, I _think_ I can. "

XVIII

BEING UP IN THE AIR, AS APPLIED TO TRANSATLANTIC FLIGHTS, CROWN JEWELS, AND LEAGUE OF NATIONS SPEECHES

"The way I feel about it is this, Mawruss, " Abe Potash said to hispartner, Morris Perlmutter: "It don't make no difference if them twoboys failed in their intentions, y'understand, they succeeded in makingmillions and millions of people in Paris, Winnipeg, New York, and whoknows where not, stop hating each other for anyhow a few hours, andinstead they smiled and shook hands and allowed themselves a recess intheir regular work of winning strikes, losing strikes, shooting, starving, and cheating each other and their countries, while they alljoined in being glad that Mrs. Hawker and the baby had got the popperback home with them and that Grieve was safe with his family or anyhowas safe as a young feller can be who is liable to quit his home at anymoment and do the same wonderful, foolish thing all over again. "

"It's too bad that all them strikers and Bolsheviks which is acting assenselessly as children, couldn't also act as sensibly as children, Abe, " Morris Perlmutter observed, "and stop crying long enough toforget what they were crying about, y'understand, but they won't. Theyare bound and determined to eat the goose which lays the golden eggs, Abe, and the end is going to be that they will find out it ain't a gooseat all, but that instead of killing a goose that's fit for food theyhave only smashed an incubator that's fit for nothing but laying moreeggs, and that's the way it goes. "

"Well, it's certainly wonderful how popular them two young fellersbecome in the course of a few days, Mawruss, " Abe declared. "Which makesyou think, Mawruss, if such a thing happens to two unknown young menlike Hawker and Grieve, there is big possibilities in thiscross-the-ocean flight for fellers which was once highly thought of andwhich nowadays nobody gives a nickel about. Take, for instance, them twoWilliam J. Fellers, Bryan and McAdoo, which only a short time sincepeople was reading about it in the papers, Mawruss, and what themfellers should ought to do is to hire a good, undependable airyoplane, y'understand, and take the first boat for Trespassing, or whatever theplace is. Then all they have to do is to make a good start, and getafterwards rescued by a tramp steamer, and right away they becomegeneral favorites again. Or the kaiser and the crown prince might tryit, Mawruss. There must be plenty of airyoplanes laying around Germanynowadays which could be picked up for a song, and when word come that ithad fallen into the Atlantic Ocean with them two birds aboard somewherearound one thousand five hundred miles from sixty degrees forty-threeminutes, y'understand, it might make the Hohenzollerns so popular thatthere would be a counter-revolution or something. "

"But suppose they would overdo the thing and not get rescued, " Morrissuggested. 

"Well, that would make them popular with _me_, anyhow, " Abe said, "andthere is probably millions of people like me in that respects, Mawruss. Still, joking to one side, Mawruss, there is some things which youcouldn't joke about like what this young feller Read did, which isworking for the United States navy, Mawruss. There was a young fellerwhat took his life in his hands, Mawruss, and yet from the maps whichthe newspapers printed, you would think it was already a deadopen-and-shut proposition that if the airyoplane was to break downanywheres between Trespassing and Europe, Mawruss, there would bewaiting United States navy ships like taxi-cabs around the HotelKnickerbocker, waiting to pick up this here Read before he even so muchas got his feet wet, understand me. Yes, Mawruss, right across the wholepage of the newspaper was strung the _Winthrop_, the _Farragut_, the_Cushing_, and other fellers' names up to the number of fourteendestroyers, and the way it looked on that map, there was a solid line ofboats waiting to receive any falling airyoplane all the way from oneside of the ocean to the other, whereas you know as well as I do, Mawruss, you can as much make both ends meet on the Atlantic Ocean withfourteen ships as a shipping-clerk with ten children can in New YorkCity on a salary of eighteen dollars a week. "

"I understand them ships was only fifty miles apart, " Morris observed. 

"Sure, I know, " Abe agreed, "but if that airyoplane was to dropanywheres between the second and the forty-ninth mile, Mawruss, themships might just as well have been stationed on the North River betweenSeventy-second and One Hundred and Thirtieth streets, Mawruss, for allthe good it would have done this young feller Read. Also, Mawruss, ifthey would have had so many destroyers on the Atlantic Ocean that theywould have run out of regular navy names for them and had to resort tothe business directory so as to include the Acker, the Merrall, theCondit, the Rogers, the Peet, the Browning, the King, the Marshall, andthe Field, in that collection of ships, Mawruss, that wouldn't of madethis here Read's life a first-class insurable risk, neither. "

"And being picked up by a destroyer ain't such a wonderful _Capora_, neither, y'understand, " Morris said, "which they tell me that on one ofthem destroyers an admiral even couldn't last out as far as the Batteryeven without anyhow getting pale. Also, Abe, I couldn't see that itproved anything when this here Read had the good luck to arrive atLisbon, except that he was a brave young feller and seemingly didn'tcare how much his family worried about him. "

"That's what people have always said when anything new in the way oftransportation was tried, Mawruss, but them people was never the onesthat deposited the checks when the scheme begun to pay dividends sometwo or three years later, " Abe retorted. "The world never made noadvances with the assistance of the even-so and what-of-it fellers, which, when the king and queen of Spain raised a little money on thecrown jewels, Mawruss, so that Christopher Columbus _olav hasholom_could make the first trip across the Atlantic Ocean by water, Mawruss, the people which saw in it the first steps towards the _Aquitania_ and_Levinathan_ wasn't so plentiful, neither. "

"Probably the feller which lent the money on the jewels wasn't soenthusiastic about it, at any rate, " Morris declared, "because asfirst-class, A-number-one security for a loan, Abe, crown jewels 'ain'tgot very much of an edge on them sympathetic pearls which carries such atremendous overhead for electric light in the store windows where theyare displayed. Take, for instance, the Austrian crown jewels, Abe, and Isee in the paper where for years and years everybody took the Austrianemperor's word for it that they contained more first-water diamonds thancould be found in stocks of all the Fifth Avenue jewelers and Follies offrom 1910 to 1919 chorus ladies combined, and the other day when theprovisional government tried to sell them Austrian crown jewels to buyfood for the starving Austrians, y'understand, for what was thought tobe rubies, diamonds, and pearls weighing from twenty to a hundredcarats apiece, Abe, they couldn't get an offer of as much as a bowl ofcrackers and milk. "

"What do you suppose happened to the originals, Mawruss?" Abe asked. 

"What _should_ of happened to them?" Morris asked, rhetorically. "I betyer that not once, but hundreds of times, an Austrian emperor has takenone of the ladies of the Vienna Opera House ballet to the vaults of theVienna Deposit and Storage Company and just to show her how much hethought of her, when she said, '_My, ain't that a gorgeous stone!_' hehas said, '_Do you really like it?_' and pried it right out of itssetting right then and there. "

"And I also bet yer that when the ballet lady got a valuation on it thenext day, " Abe said, "the pawnbroker said to her, '_Ain't this a diamondwhich the Emperor pried out of his crown for you?_' and when she said, '_Yes_, ' he says that the fixed loaning value of an imperial pried-outdiamond was one dollar and eighty-five cents, and from that time on theballet lady would be very much off all emperors. "

"It seems to me that in all the other countries of the world where kingsand emperors still hold on to their jobs, Abe, it wouldn't be a badthing for the government to check up the crown jewels on them, in caseof emergencies like revolutions or having to pay war indemnities, "Morris remarked, "which I wouldn't be surprised if right now the Germanpeople is figuring on raising several million marks on the German crownjewels towards paying the first billion-dollar instalment of the warindemnity, and when the government appraiser gets ahold of them, he willturn in a report that they are not even using that kind of stuff indecorating soda-fountains even. "

"In that case the German government will probably try to arrange aswop, " Abe said, "trusting to luck that the Allied governments havingagreed to take them crown jewels at the value placed on them by thekaiser, will not discover their real value until they've changed hands, Mawruss, in which event the German government will claim that thesubstitution took place after the Allies received them and did theAllies think they could get away with anything as raw as that. "

"Even the Germans 'ain't got such a nerve, " Morris commented. 

"'Ain't they?" Abe retorted. "Well, how about the counter-claim they arenow making for an indemnity of $3, 048, 300, 000, _aus gerechnent_? ThemGermans has got the nerve to claim anything that they think they've gotthe slightest chance of getting away with, Mawruss, so they stick inthis indemnity which they say they ought to receive from the Alliesbecause the blockade which the Allies kept up against Germany during thewar caused such a shortage in food that one million less German childrenwas born during that time. "

"Three thousand and forty-eight dollars and thirty cents is a prettyhigh valuation to put on a German, and a new-born German at that, "Morris commented. "You're sure that the three thousand and forty-eightdollars ain't a mistake? Because thirty cents sounds like the correctfigures to me, Abe. "

"The birth reduction ain't the only item in their bill, Mawruss, " Abecontinued. "They also claim that the blockade prevented the importing ofrubber, camphor, and quinine. "

"And I suppose they claim that tire trouble, moths, and malariaincreased something terrible, " Morris said. "Well, they're going to havejust as hard a time proving that claim as Senator Reed would that Brazilis a nation of colored people, Abe. "

"When did Senator Reed say that, Mawruss?" Abe asked. 

"When he was arguing against the League of Nations, in the Senate theother day, " Morris replied. "He said that there were fifteen whitenations in the League and seventeen colored nations, and he reckonedBrazil in as one of the colored nations, probably because he confusedthe Brazil population with the Brazil nuts which are sometimes callednigger-toes, Abe. However, Abe, he also included Cuba as a colorednation, because he claimed that fifty per cent. Of the population iscolored. "

"But the President of Cuba and the gentlemen which is running the Cubangovernment ain't colored people, Mawruss, " Abe said. 

"That don't make no difference to Senator Reed, Abe, " Morris declared. "To Senator Reed, anything that's found alive in a stable is a horse, Abe; in fact, coming from Missouri, as Senator Reed does, consideringthe size of the colored population of that state, Senator Reed probablyconsiders himself a colored man, because Senator Reed is perfectlyhonest in his opinions, Abe. When he argues that Cuba is a colorednation, he believes it, so, therefore, when he argues himself into beinga colored man, he probably believes that he ain't quite so dark acolored man as Senator Vardaman, who comes from Mississippi, Abe, butonly a light colored man, which is of course all nonsense, like SenatorReed's arguments. Senator Vardaman is a white man and Senator Reed is awhite man and they are both of them as white as, but no whiter than, thePresident of Cuba and several million Brazilian gentlemen. But withSenator Reed it's a case of any argument is a good argument, so long asit is an argument against the League of Nations. "

"But as I understand it Senator Vardaman ain't in the Senate no more, "Abe said. "He got defeated last election. "

"And the way he is heading, Abe, " Morris said, "Senator Reed will joinhim next election, because, while nine times out of ten, when it comesto re-election, a United States Senator has got things pretty wellsewed-up, _so_ sewed-up he couldn't have them, that he could make suchfoolish speeches on such an important matter. Furthermore, it don'tmake no difference how wise or how foolish the speeches which Senatorsmakes against the League of Nations might be, Abe, it is going to gothrough, _anyhow_. "

"What makes you think that?" Abe asked. 

"Because I see where the National Democratic Committee met in Chicagothe other day, and the chairman by the name Cummings threatened that ifthe Senate don't approve the League of Nations Covenant, Mr. Wilsonwould run for President again, " Morris said. 

"What do you mean--threatened?" Abe demanded. "You talk like Mr. Wilsonrunning for President again was something to be scared about. "

"I don't talk that way, but Mr. Cummings does, " Morris said. "In fact, the Democratic National Committee, on the head of what Mr. Cummingssaid, passed a resolution that they were in favor of the promptratification by the Senate of the Treaty of Peace, including the Leagueof Nations, so it would appear that the Democratic National Committeeain't so tickled about Mr. Wilson running again, neither. "

"Well, if Mr. Wilson don't run again for President on the Democraticticket, Mawruss, who will?" Abe inquired. 

"I don't know, and, furthermore, I think that the Democratic NationalCommittee is temporarily in the same condition about that proposition asHawker and Grieve was about that cross-Atlantic proposition--alsotemporarily, " Morris concluded, "I mean, up in the air. "

XIX

THE LEAK AND OTHER MYSTERIES

"Outside of one poor night watchman _nebich_, " Abe Potash said to hispartner, Morris Perlmutter, "the only people which has really and trulysuffered from the goings-on of them anarchists is the insurancecompanies, Mawruss. "

"In a case like that, Abe, the insurance companies ain't liable undertheir policies, " Morris said, "and they wouldn't got to pay no lossesfor the damage when them bombs done it to them buildings. "

"Who said anything about the insurance companies paying losses?" Abeasked. "I am talking about the insurance companies paying lawyer bills, Mawruss, which I never read any of that part of my insurance policiesthat is printed in only such letters as could have been designed in thefirst place by them fellers you read about who go blind from engravingthe whole of the Constitution of the United States on a ten-cent piece, y'understand, but I have no doubt, Mawruss, that it wouldn't make nodifference if the loss was caused by anything so legitimate as throwinga lighted cigarette in a waste-paper basket, understand me, the onlyreason why an insurance company pays any losses at all is that theyfigure it's cheaper to let the policyholder have the money than thebunch of murderers they got representing them as their general counsel. "

"No doubt you're right, " Morris agreed, "but in these here bomb outragesAbe, the way the police 'ain't been able to get a clue to so much as asuspicious red necktie, y'understand, it looks as though thisbomb-exploding was going to be such a regular amusement with anarchistsas pinochle-playing is with clothing salesmen, understand me, so theinsurance companies would got to make a stand, otherwise they would bepaying for new stoops for the houses of anybody and everybody who eversaid an unkind word in public about Lenine and Trotzky. "

"It seems to me that the police ain't so smart like they once used tobe, Mawruss, " Abe remarked. 

"No, nor never was, " Morris said. "In fact, Abe, from the number ofcrimes which has got into the let-bygones-be-bygones stage with thepolice lately, clues ain't of no more use to them fellers at all. Whatthem detectives need is that the criminal should leave behind him at thescene of the crime a line of snappy, up-to-date advertising containinghis name, address, and telephone number, otherwise they seem to thinkthey have the excuse that they couldn't be expected to perform miracles, and let it go at that. "

"I see where right here in New York, Mayor Hylan puts the whole thing upto the newspapers, " Abe observed. "He wrote to a friend the other dayone of them strictly confidential letters with an agreement on the sideto ring up the reporters as soon as it was delivered, y'understand, inwhich he said the reason why so many crimes was going undiscovered bythe police was that the newspapers was unprincipled enough to print thata lot of crimes was going undetected by the police, understand me, andthe consequence was that criminals read it and, relying on the fact thatthe police wouldn't catch them if they committed crimes, they went towork and committed crimes. "

"And I suppose them criminals' confidence in the police wasn'tmisplaced, neither, " Morris suggested. 

"Not so far as I've heard, " Abe said, "but even if the newspaperswouldn't of printed the information, Mawruss, why should Mayor Hylanassume that burglars don't write each other letters occasionally, or, anyhow, once in a while meet at lunch and talk over business matters?"

"Well, I've noticed that Mayor Hylan, Mayor Thompson, and a lot of otherMayors, Senators, and people which is all the time getting into thepublic eye in the same sense as cinders and small insects, Abe, alwaysblames the newspapers for everything that goes wrong, " Morris remarked, "because such people is always doing and saying things that when it getsinto the newspaper sounds pretty rotten even to themselves, understandme, so therefore they begin to think that the newspaper is doing itdeliberately, and consequently they get a grouch on against allnewspapers. "

"Sure, I know, Mawruss, but that don't excuse the police for not findingout who sent them bombs through the mails in the first place, " Abe said. "It is now beginning to look, Mawruss, that the American police hasbegun to act philosophically about crooks, the way the American publichas always done, and they shrug their shoulders and say, 'What are yougoing to do with a bunch of crooks like that?'"

"Well, in a way you can't blame the police for not catching thembomb-throwers, Abe, " Morris said. "They've been so busy arresting peoplefor violations of the automobile and traffic laws that they 'ain'thardly got time for nothing else, so you see what a pipe it is forcriminals, Abe. All they have got to do is to keep out of automobilesand stick to street cars, and they can rob, murder, and explode bombs, and the police would never trouble them at all. "

"But considering the number of people which gets arrested every day forthings like having in their possession a bottle of schnapps, Mawruss, orsmoking paper cigarettes in the second degree, or against the peace anddignity of the people of the State of Kansas or Virginia, and thestatue in such case made and provided leaving a bottle of near-beeruncorked on the window-sill until it worked itself into a condition ofbeing fermented or intoxicating liquor under section six sub-section (b)of the said act, y'understand, it is surprising to me that the policedidn't by accident gather in anyhow _one_ of them anarchists, Mawruss, "Abe said, "because, after all, Mawruss, it can't be that onlyrespectable people violate all them prohibition, anti-cigarette, andanti-speeding laws, and that, outside of dropping bombs, anarchists isotherwise law-abiding. "

"At the same time, Abe, I couldn't help feeling sorry for a policemanwho would arrest an anarchist by accident, especially if he didn't carryany accident insurance, because the only way to avoid accidents inarresting anarchists is to take a good aim at a safe distance, and letsomebody else search the body for packages, " Morris declared. 

"To tell you the truth, Mawruss, I think the reason why them anarchistswhich explode bombs is never discovered, y'understand, ain't up to thepolice at all, but to the contractor which cleans up the scene of theexplosion, " Abe said. "If he would only instruct his workmen to sift therubbish before they cart it away, they might anyhow find a collar-buttonor something, because next to windows, Mawruss, the most breakage causedby anarchistic bomb explosions is to anarchists. "

"Still, there must be a lot of comparatively uninjured anarchistshanging around--anarchists with only a thumb or so missing which thepolice would be able to find if they really and truly used a littlegumption, Abe, " Morris said. "Also if they would keep their ears open, there must be lots of noises which now passes for gas-range trouble andwhich if investigated while the experimenter was still in the dancingand hand-flipping stage of agony, Abe, might bring to light some of theleading spirits in the chemical branch of the American anarchists. Thenof course there is the other noises which sounds like gas-rangetroubles, and which on investigation proves to be speeches, Abe, andwhile it is probably true that you can't kill ideas by putting thepeople which owns up to them in jail, Abe, I for one am willing to takea chance and see how it comes out, because, after all, it ain't ideaswhich makes and explodes bombs, but the people which holds such ideas. "

"Also, Mawruss, " Abe said, "it is the people which holds such ideas thatsays you can't kill ideas by putting the people what holds them intojail, but just so soon as them people gets arrested, not only do theyclaim that they never held such ideas, but they deny that there evenexisted such ideas, and then the noise of the denials they are making isdrowned out by the noise of the bombs which is being exploded accordingto the ideas they claim they don't hold, and that's the way it goes, Mawruss. The chances is that the mystery of who exploded them bombs willremain a mystery along with the mystery of how the Peace Treaty comeinto the possession of them New York interests in the form of a volumeof three hundred and twenty pages, as Senator Lodge says it did. "

"To me that ain't no mystery at all, Abe, " Morris said. "The chances isthat them New York interests, whatever they may be, Abe--and I got mysuspicions, Abe--simply seen it in the Saturday edition of one of themNew York papers which makes a specialty of book-advertising, anadvertisement reading:

 "THE PEACE TERMS"

 READ ABOUT THEM

in this stirring, heart-touching romance. Get it, begin it; you'll readevery word and wish there was more. 

Would it be worth while to risk the happiness of all future time for thesake of four years of forbidden pleasure? With the franknesscharacteristic of him, William W. Wilson in his latest work tells whathappens--economically and spiritually--to the nation who tried it. 

 "THE PEACE TERMS"

 BY

 WILLIAM W. WILSON

 Author of _A Thousand Snappy Substitutes for May I Not_, etc. 

 30 Illustrations, 320 pages. $1. 50 net. 

 AT ALL BOOK-STORES

so the New York interests give the office-boy three dollars and says tohim he should go 'round to the news-stands in the nearest subway stationand buy a couple of them books, y'understand, and for the remainder ofthe afternoon, y'understand, the members of the New York interests which'ain't got their feet up on the desk reading them books, is asking themembers which has if they 'ain't got nothing better to do with theirtime than to put it in reading a lot of nonsense like that, understandme. "

"But who do you think published it, Mawruss?" Abe asked. 

"Say!" Morris exclaimed. "It is already over a month since the firstedition of that Peace Treaty was handed to the German delegates, andwhat is a little thing like a copyright to them crooks when it comes tomaking a profit of ten cents a volume? I bet yer that Europe is alreadyflooded with pirated editions of that Peace Treaty retailing atanywheres from twenty-five cents up, and yet them highwaymen claims thatit is unacceptable to them. As a matter of fact, the German business man'ain't found anything nearly so acceptable in a merchandising way sincethe time they began to imitate Gillette safety razors and Kodak cameras. They'll probably make enough of the Park Row and Ann Street peddlingrights alone to pay the first instalment of the reparation indemnity, Abe. "

"I see where Austria also finds the terms of the Peace Treaty which washanded to her unacceptable, Mawruss, " Abe remarked. 

"Well, for that matter, Abe, there probably ain't a petitentiary in thisor any other country which ain't filled with crooks who finds the termsof their punishment unacceptable, " Morris said, "but I never heard itadvanced as an argument why the sentence should ought to be upset onappeal, Abe. Also, Abe, Germany and Austria is in just so good aposition to accept or not accept their punishment as any otherdefendant would be after he has had his pedigree taken and is handcuffedto the deputy-sheriff with the Black Maria backed up against the curb, y'understand. "

"Well, I suppose I must of lost thousands of dollars serving on juriesin my time, Mawruss, " Abe said, "and I would of lost thousands more ifevery prisoner would of behaved the way Germany and Austria has sincethe judge asked them if they had anything to say why sentence shouldought to be passed on them. Evidently they must of thought it was up tothem to make regular after-dinner speeches, leaving out only theonce-there-was-an-Irishman story. "

"And even that 'ain't been left out, " Morris said, "which I see that theUnited States Senate has passed a resolution that they are in favor thePeace Conference should hear what the delegates from the new IrishRepublic has got to say. "

"Is Ireland a republic now?" Abe asked. 

"It's anyhow as much of a republic as the Rhenish Republic is a republicor the Kingdom of the Hadjes is a kingdom, " Morris continued, "which theAmerican delegates let them Hadjes have their say, Abe, and if theHadj-American vote figured very strong in the last presidential electionor the Hadj-American subscribers to the Victory Loan represented as muchas . 000000001 per cent. Of the total amount raised, the newspapers keptit pretty quiet, Abe. So, therefore, Abe, leaving out of the questionaltogether that a very big percentage of the highest grade citizenswhich we've got in this country is Irish by ancestry and brains, Abe, why shouldn't the Irish have their say before the Peace Conference?"

"For one thing, " Abe said, "the delegates to the Peace Conference isalready pretty well acquainted with what them Irishmen would tell them, unless them delegates is deaf, dumb, and blind. "

"That's all right, Abe, but a good argument was never the worse forbeing repeated, " Morris concluded, "in especially when it comes frompeople which has given us not only good arguments during the past fouryears, but service, blood, and money. Am I right or wrong?"

XX

JULY THE FIRST AND AFTER

"It's already surprising what people will eat if they couldn't getanything else, " Abe Potash commented one morning in June. 

"Not nearly so surprising as what they would drink in the samecircumstances, " Morris Perlmutter remarked. 

"Well, I don't know, " Abe continued. "Here it stands in the newspaperswhere a professor says that for the information of them men which wouldsooner eat grasshoppers as starve, Mawruss, they taste very much likeshrimps if you know how shrimps taste, which I am thankful to say that Idon't, Mawruss, because I never yet had the nerve to eat shrimps onaccount of them looking too much like grasshoppers. "

"That's nothing, " Morris declared. "In Porto Rico, where they have hadprohibition now for some time already, the authorities has just foundout that the people has been drinking so much hair tonic asersat-schnapps, Abe, that the insides of the stomach of a Porto-Ricanlooks like the outside of the President of the new Polish Republic, ifyou know what I mean. "

"Well, if the prohibition law is going to be enforced so as toconfiscate the schnapps which is now being stored away by the people whohave had an insurance actuary figure out their expectancy of life at tendrinks a day for 13. 31416 years, Mawruss, or all the cellar will hold, y'understand, " Abe said, "it won't be much later than July 2d beforesomebody discovers that there's quite a kick to furniture polish or6-in-1, Mawruss, and in fact I expect to see after July 1st, 1919, thatthere would be what looks like stove polish, shoe polish, automobile-body polish, and silver polish retailing at from one dollarto a dollar and a half per hip-pocket-size bottle, which after beingstrained through blotting-paper, y'understand, would net the purchaserthree drinks of the worst whisky that ever got sold on Chatham Squarefor five cents a glass. "

"And I suppose that pretty soon they will be passing a law forbiddingthe manufacture of stove polish and directing that the labels on thebottles shall contain the statement:

"Stove Polish by Volume 2, Seventy-five per cent. And in a thimbleful ofwhat ain't stove polish in that stove polish, Abe, there wouldn't be nomore harm than two or three quarts of so much nitroglycerin, y'understand, " Morris said. "Also on Saturday nights you will see thepoor women _nebich_ hanging around the swinging doors of paint and colorstores right up to closing-time to see is their husbands inside, whilethe single men will stagger from house-furnishing store tohouse-furnishing store--or the Poor Men's Clubs, as they call themplaces where stove and silver polish is sold. "

"But joking to one side, Mawruss, you don't suppose that the Polaks andthe Huns and all them foreigners is going to leave off drinking schnappsjust because of a little thing like a prohibition amendment to theConstitution of the United States, do you?" Abe said. 

"Why do you limit yourself to Polaks and Huns, Abe?" Morris asked. "Believe me, there is fellers whose forefathers was old establishedAmerican citizens before Henry Clay started his cigar business, y'understand, and when them boys gets a craving for schnapps after July1st, they would _oser_ go to the nearest Carnegie Library and read overthe Prohibition Amendment to the Constitution till that gnawing feelingat the pit of the stomach had passed away, understand me. At least, Abe, that is what I think is going to happen, and from the number of peoplewhich is giving out prophecies to the newspapers about what is going tohappen, and from the way they differ from each other as to what is goingto happen--not only about prohibition, but about conditions in Europe, the Next War, the Kaiser's future, and the next presidential campaign, y'understand, it seems to me that anybody could prophesy anything about_everything_ and get away with it. "

"They could anyhow get away with it till it does happen, " Abe commented. 

"Sure I know, but generally it don't happen, " Morris said. "Take forinstance where Mr. Vanderlip is going round telling about the terriblethings which is going to happen in Europe unless something which Mr. Vanderlip suggests is done, and take also for instance where Mr. Davisonis going round telling about the terrible things which is going tohappen in Europe unless something which Mr. _Davison_ suggests is done, y'understand, and while I don't know nothing about Europe, understandme, I know something about Mr. Vanderlip, which is that he just lost hisjobs as director of the War Savings Stamp Campaign and president of theNational City Bank, and you know as well as I do, Abe, when a man hasjust lost his job things are apt to look pretty black to him, not onlyin Europe, understand me, but in Asia, Africa, and America, andsometimes Australia and New Zealand, also. "

"Well, how about Mr. Davison?" Abe asked. 

"Well, I'll tell you, " Morris said, "Mr. Davison is a banker and I am agarment manufacturer, y'understand, and with me it's like this:Conditions in the garment trade is never altogether satisfactory to me, Abe. As a garment manufacturer, I can always see where things is goingto the devil in this country or any other country where I would be doingbusiness unless something is done, y'understand, and if anybody wouldask me what _ought_ to be done, the chances is that I would suggestsomething to be done which wouldn't make it exactly rotten for thegarment trade, if you know what I mean. "

"Mr. Vanderlip and Mr. Davison did good work during the war for adollar a year, Mawruss, " Abe said, "and no one should speak nothing butgood of them. "

"Did I say they shouldn't?" Morris retorted. "All I am driving into isthis, Abe; we've got a lot of big business men which during the war fora dollar a year give up their time to advising the United States what itshould do, y'understand, who are now starting in to advise the worldwhat it should do and waiving the dollar, Abe, and if there is anythingwhich is calculated to make a man unpopular, Abe, it is giving freeadvice, so therefore I would advise all them dollar-a-year men to--"

"And is any one paying you to give such advice?" Abe asked. "Furthermore, Mawruss, nobody asks you for your advice, whereas withpeople like Mr. Vanderlip, Mr. Davison, the Crown Prince, SamuelGompers, and Mary Pickford, y'understand, they couldn't stick their headoutside the door without a newspaper reporter is standing there andstarts right in to ask them their opinion about the things which theyare supposed to know. "

"And what is the Crown Prince supposed to know?" Morris asked. 

"Not much that Mary Pickford don't about things in general, " Abe said, "and a good deal less than she does about moving pictures, but otherwiseI should put them about on a par, except that Mary Pickford has got abrighter future, Mawruss, which I see that one of these here newspaperfellers got an interview with the Crown Prince which 'ain't been deniedas yet. It took place in an island in Holland where the Crown Prince isliving in retirement with a private chef, a private secretary, a coupleof private valets, his personal physician, and the nine or ten otherpersonal attendants that a Hohenzollern cuts himself down to while he isroughing it in Holland, Mawruss. When the newspaper feller spoke to himhe was wearing the uniform of a colonel in the Eighth Pomeranian CrownPrince's Own Regiment, which is now known as the William J. NoskeAssociation, of black tulle over a midnight-blue satin underdress--thewhole thing embroidered in gray silk braid and blue beads. A verydelicate piece of rose point-lace was arranged as a fichu, Mawruss, andover it he wore a Lavin cape of black silk jersey with a monkey-furcollar and slashed pockets. It would appear from the article which thenewspaper feller wrote that the Crown Prince didn't seem to beespecially talkative. "

"In these here interviews which newspaper fellers gets in Europe, Abe, "Morris commented, "the party interviewed never does seem to betalkative. In fact, he hardly figures at all, because such articlesusually consist of fifty per cent. What a lot of difficulties thecorrespondent was smart enough to overcome in getting the interview, twenty-five per cent. Description, twenty-two and a quarter what thecorrespondent said to the party interviewed, and not more than two andthree-quarters per cent. Interview. "

"Whatever way it was, Mawruss, the Crown Prince didn't exactly unbosomhimself to this here reporter, but he said enough to show that he wasn'tfar behind Mr. Vanderlip when it comes to taking a dark view of thingsas a result of losing his job, Mawruss, " Abe continued. 

"Probably he took even a darker view of it than Mr. Vanderlip, " Morrissuggested, "because there are lots of openings for bank president, butif you are out of a job as a crown prince, what is it, in particular ifyour reference ain't good?"

"He didn't seem to be worrying about his own future, " Abe continued, "but he seemed to think that if the old man got tried by the Allies, Mawruss, the shock would kill him. "

"Many a murderer got tried by the Court of General Sessions, even, andsubsequently the shock killed them, Abe, " Morris said. "What is electricchairs for, _anyway_?"

"But he told the reporter that you wouldn't have any idea how old theold man is looking, " Abe went on. 

"He shouldn't take so much wood-cutting exercise, " Morris said. "Thefirst thing you know, he would injure himself for life, even if he ain'tgoing to live long. "

"Don't fool yourself, Mawruss, " Abe said, "the Kaiser ain't going to diefrom nothing more violent than a rich, unbalanced diet, y'understand, and as for the Crown Prince, he's got it all figured out that he willreturn to Germany and go into the farming business, and there ain't noprovided-I-beat-the-indictment about it, neither, because he knows aswell as you do that the Allies would never have the nerve to try eitherone of them crooks. "

"Nobody seems to have the nerve to do anything nowadays, except theBolshevists, Abe, " Morris said, with a sigh. "Here up to a few days agothe Bolshevist government of Russia had been running a New York officeon West Forty-second Street, with gold lettering on the door, a staff ofstenographers, and a private branch exchange, and the New York policedidn't pay no more attention to them than if they would of been runninga poolroom with a roulette-wheel in the rear office. The consequence wasthat when them Bolshevists finally got pulled, Abe, they beefed soterrible about how they were being prosecuted in violation of theConstitution and the Code of Civil Procedure, y'understand, that youwould think the bombs which Mr. Palmer and them judges nearly got killedwith was being exploded pursuant to Section 4244 of the United StatesRevised Statutes and the acts amendatory thereof, Abe. "

"And we let them cutthroats do business yet!" Abe exclaimed. 

"Well, in a way, I don't blame the Bolshevists for not knowing how totake the behavior of the American government towards them, Abe, " Morrisdeclared. "If we only had one way of treating them and stick _to_ it, Abe, it would help people like this here ex-custom-house feller DudleyField Malone and this ex-Red Cross feller Robins to know where theystood in the matter of Bolshevism. But when even the United States armyitself don't know whether it is for the Bolshevists or against them, Abe, how could you expect this here Robins to know, either, let alonethe Bolshevists?"

"But I thought this country was against Bolshevism, " Abe said. 

"As far as I can gather, Abe, the United States is against Bolshevismofficially on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and on Saturday from nineto twelve, and it is for Admiral Kolchak on Tuesday and Thursday, "Morris said. "At any rate, that's what one would think from reading thenewspapers. Fiume is the same way, Abe. The United States is in favor ofceding Fiume to the Italians during three days in the week of eightworking-hours each, except in the sporting five-star edition, when Fiumeis going to be internationalized. However, Abe, the United States wantsto be quite fair about preserving the rights of small nationalities, sowe concede Fiume to the Jugo-Slobs in at least two editions of the pinkevening papers and in the special magazine section of the Sundaypapers. "

"Well, the way I feel about Bolshevism, I am against it every day in theweek, including Sundays, Mawruss, " Abe said, "and if I would be runninga newspaper, I would show them up in every edition from the nightedition that comes out at half past eight in the morning, down to thespecial ten-o'clock-p. M. Extra, which sometimes is delayed till as lateas five forty-five. Furthermore, while variety makes a spicy life, Mawruss, newspapers are supposed to tell you the news, and while it maybe agreeably exciting to some people when they read on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday that the Germans would positively sign the amendedTreaty of Peace, and on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday that theypositively wouldn't do nothing of the kind, y'understand, I am gettingso used to it that it don't even make me mad no longer. "

"The newspapers has got to suit all tastes, Abe, " Morris observed. 

"But the taste for Bolshevism ain't a taste, Mawruss, it's a smell, " Abeconcluded, "and whoever has got it shouldn't ought to be encouraged. Heshould ought to be disinfected, and that's all there is to it. "

XXI

WHAT THE PUBLIC WANTS, ECONOMICALLY AND THEATRICALLY

"I see where a minister said the other day he couldn't understand why itwas that fellers in the theayter business goes to work and puts on thekind of shows which they do put on, Mawruss, " Abe Potash said, a fewdays after the ministerial controversy over a certain phase of theBroadway drama. 

"Maybe they got hopes that quite a number of people would pay money tosee such shows, Abe, " Morris suggested, "because so far as I could tellfrom the few fellers in the theayter business whose acquaintance Icouldn't avoid making, Abe, they are business men the same like otherbusiness men, y'understand, and what they are trying to do is to suitthe tastes of their customers. "

"But what them ministers claims is that them customers shouldn't oughtto have such tastes, " Abe said. 

"That is up to the ministers and not the fellers in the theayterbusiness, " Morris said. "Theayter managers ain't equipped in the head togive people lectures on how terrible it is that people should like tosee the plays they like to see, because as a general thing a feller inthe theayter business is the same as a feller in the garment business orgrocery business--he didn't have to pass no examination to go into sucha business, and what a theayter feller don't know about deliveringsermons, Abe, if a minister would know it about the show business, y'understand, instead of drawing down three thousand a year tellingpeople to do what they don't want to do, understand me, he would belooking round for a nice, fully rented, sixteen-story apartment-house inwhich to invest the profits from a show by the name, we would say, forexample, 'Early to Bed. '"

"But the trouble with the theayter fellers is that they think any showwhich a lot of people would pay money to see, Mawruss, is a good show, "Abe declared. 

"Why shouldn't the managers think that?" Morris asked. "If the ministershad the people trained right, any show which a lot of people would paymoney to see should _ought_ to be a good show. "

"You think the ministers could train people to like a good show!" Abeexclaimed. "It's human nature for people to like the kind of show theydo like, Mawruss, and how could ministers, even if they would be thebiggest _tzadeekim_ in the world, change human nature?"

"That's what I am trying to tell you, Abe, " Morris said. "The theaytermanagers simply supply a demand which already exists, Abe, and they areas much to blame for the conditions which creates that demand as youcould blame a manufacturer of heavy-weight underwear for cold winterweather. "

"But why should the theayter manager try to supply an unhealthy demand, Mawruss?" Abe asked. 

"The demand for heavy winter underwear is also unhealthy, Abe, " Morrissaid. "In America, where the houses is heated, heavy underwear wouldgive you a cold, whereas in Norway and Sweden the demand for heavyunderwear is healthy because Norway and Sweden houses is like Norway andSweden plays, Abe, they are constructed differently from the Americanfashion. They are built solid, but there ain't no light and heat inthem, and yet, Abe, the highbrows which is kicking about the Americanstyle of plays is crazy about these here Norway and Sweden plays andwant American theayter managers to put on plays like them. In otherwords, Abe, they are arguing in favor of the manufacture and sale ofheavy winter underwear for an exclusively B. V. D. Trade, and so, therefore, such high-brows could be ministers or they could be dramaticcrickets, Abe, but they might just so well save their breath with sucharguments, because the customer buys what he _wants_ to buy, and whatthe customer _wants_ to buy the manufacturer manufactures, and that'sall there is _to_ it. "

"And now that you have settled this here question of them 'Early to Bed'plays, Mawruss, " Abe said, "would you kindly tell me what the idea ofthem Germans was in sinking all them white-elephant war-ships whicheverybody with any sense wished was at the bottom of the ocean, _anyway_, y'understand?"

"Well, I'll tell you, Abe, " Morris began. "Them Germans being German, y'understand, and having signed an armistice where they agreed to takethem war-ships to an Allied port and _keep_ them there, y'understand, just couldn't resist breaking their word and sinking them war-ships. "

"But don't you think, Mawruss, that when the Allies allowed the Germansto sign such an armistice they was awful careless, " Abe said, "becauseif they wanted them war-ships to stay afloat, Mawruss, all they had todo was to make the Germans sign an agreement not to take them war-shipsto Allied ports and sink them there, and the thing was done. "

"How do you know that the Allies didn't get them Germans to agree theway they did, so as to get rid of all them war-ships without the troubleand expense of blowing them up?" Morris asked. 

"I don't know it, " Abe admitted, "but even to-day yet, Mawruss, themAllied diplomatists is acting like they thought deep down in theirhearts that there was a little honor--a little truth--left in themGermans somewhere, Mawruss, so the chance is that when that armisticewas signed, the Allies thought that at last the Germans was going tostand by a signed agreement. However, it seems to me, Mawruss, thatthere should ought to be an end to this here better-luck-next-timeattitude towards the Germans' idea of honor on the part of the Allies. "

"Well, what are you going to do with such people, Abe?" Morris asked. 

"To me it's a business proposition, Mawruss, " Abe said, "and the way Ifeel about this here Peace Treaty is that it is nothing but compositionnotes, signed by the Germans without indorsement by anybody. Now youknow as well as I do, Mawruss, if a bankrupt owes you money and he hasgot _some_ assets, you ain't going to take composition notes for theentire amount of debts and let the bankrupt keep the remains of hisassets, because composition notes without indorsements don't deceivenobody, Mawruss. If I get from a bankrupt unindorsed composition notes, I simply put them away in my safe and forget about them, which if abankrupt ever paid his unindorsed composition notes he would be addingmurder to his other crimes on account the holders of such compositionnotes would drop dead from astonishment. "

"The death-rate from such a cause among business men ain't high, Abe, "Morris commented. 

"If I was an accident-insurance company's actuary, I would take a chanceand leave such a cause of death out of my calculations, " Abe agreed. "Itnever happens, and so, therefore, Mawruss, if Germany lives up to theterms of the Peace Treaty it would only be because the German signatureis guaranteed by the indorsement of a large Allied Army of Occupation, and, therefore, if we've got to do it first as last, why monkey aroundwith a new German Cabinet? Why not close up the Peace Conference _sinedie_, tell Germany her composition notes ain't acceptable, y'understand, and proceed to make a levy and sale with the combined armies of theAllies as deputy-sheriffs, Mawruss, because not only are the Germansbankrupts, but they are fraudulent bankrupts, and on fraudulentbankrupts nobody should have no mercy at all?"

"But don't you think it might be just as well to give the Germans a fewdays' grace and see how this here new Cabinet goes to work?" Morrissuggested. 

"You don't have to know how it works, Mawruss, " Abe replied. "All youhave to do is to know how it was formed and you can guess how it wouldwork, which I bet yer that Erzberger got together with vonBrockdorff-Rantzau and they combed over the list of candidates to getjust the right kind of people for a German Cabinet, because the ordinarytests which they use in England, France, or America, Mawruss, don'tapply to Germany. You've got to be awful careful in forming a GermanCabinet, Mawruss, otherwise you are liable to have slipped in on youjust one decent, respectable man with an idea of keeping his word anddoing the right thing, Mawruss, and by a little carelessness like that, understand me, the whole Cabinet is ruined. However, Mawruss, you couldtake it from me that a couple of experienced Cabinet-formers like thishere Erzberger and von Brockdorff-Rantzau didn't fall down on theirjob, and I bet yer that every member of the new Cabinet is keeping upthe best traditions of the good old German spirit, which is to be ableto look the whole world straight in the eye and lie like the devil, y'understand. "

"Then you think this Cabinet wouldn't act no different to the otherCabinets?" Morris said. 

"Not if the Allies don't act different, " Abe said, "and where the Alliesmade their first big mistake was the opening session at Versailles, whenthe usher or the janitor or whoever had charge of such things didn'ttake von Brockdorff-Rantzau by the back of his neck and yank him to hisfeet after he started to talk without rising from his chair, because theGermans is very quick to take a tip that way, Mawruss. Whatever they putover once, they think they could put over again, and since that time allarguments the Germans has made about the Peace Treaty have been, so tospeak, delivered by the German people and the German Cabinet, not onlyseated, y'understand, but also with the feet cocked up on the desk, thehat on, and in the corner of the mouth a typical German cigar which ismade up of equal parts hay and scrap rubber blended with the _VossicherZeitung_ and beet-tops and smells accordingly. "

"Well, it is one of the good qualities of the American people thatbefore they get good and sore, as they have a right to do, Abe, theywill put up with a whole lot of bad manners from people that they dealwith, " Morris said. "Take, for instance, these here foreign-born Redswhich they held a meeting in Madison Square Garden the other evening, and if they said in any other country about the government what theysaid in Madison Square Garden, y'understand, the owner of Madison SquareGarden would of pocketed thousands of dollars for the moving-picturerights of the bayoneting alone. But we don't do business that way. Thereain't no satisfaction in bayoneting a lot of people for being fresh andnot knowing how to behave. Fining them and putting them in prison isalso no relief to our feeling, neither. What we really itch to do, Abe, is to act the way a man would act if he gives somebody food and shelterin his home, and, as soon as such a _schnorrer_ feels refreshed by whathe has eaten and the good bed he has slept in, he turns on his host and, after insulting the members of the household, tries to wreck thefurniture and set the house on fire. Such a feller you would first kickas many times as you had the strength; you would then duck him in thenearest body of water, provided it was muddy enough, and after he hadcome up for the third time you would fish him out and ride him on a railto the town limits and there you would advise him never to show his facearound them parts again. "

"But as I understand this here Red meeting, Mawruss, " Abe said, "it wassomething more as not knowing how to behave. Practically every speakertold the audience that they should rise up against the government. "

"Sure I know, Abe, " Morris agreed, "but the audience was composed ofpeople who had already made up their minds that they should rise upagainst the government, and there is only one thing which prevents themfrom rising up--they 'ain't got the nerve. Furthermore, them speakerscould go on advising till they got clergyman's sore throat from theviolent language they was using, and that audience could sit there beingadvised till the management of Madison Square Garden dispossessed themeeting for non-payment of rent, y'understand, and still that audiencewouldn't have the nerve. Them Reds are a lot of rabbits, Abe. They couldrise up in Russia and Hungary against a lot of rabbits, y'understand, but over here the most them rabbits has got the courage to do is toplant a few bombs, of which one or two has been ungrateful enough tobite the hand that threw them, understand me, but as soon as them Redrabbits discovers that the percentage of mortality among bomb-throwersis equal to the death-rate from some such rare disease assleeping-sickness or beriberi, Abe, they wouldn't even have the nerve tothrow bombs. "

"Still, I think the District Attorney should ought to do something aboutthat Madison Square meeting, Mawruss, " Abe said, "because even ifMadison Square Garden would have been only one-tenth filled, consideringthe high price of rails in the present steel-market and the distance ofMadison Square from muddy water, Mawruss, it would be anyhow unpracticalto duck or ride on rails the number of Reds which attended thatmeeting, even supposing enough respectable people could be found whowould take the trouble. "

"As a matter of fact, Abe, " Morris said, "it don't even pay to encouragethem speech-making Reds by thinking they are important enough to beducked in muddy water. After all, most of them are still young andsooner or later they would got to go to work, and once a man goes towork in this country it is only a matter of time when he gets up intothe capitalistic class. "

"There is also another thing to be considered about these here Reds, Mawruss, " Abe said. "As Reds, they couldn't be taken altogetherseriously, because Reds would be Reds only up to a certain point. Afterthat they're Yellow. "

XXII

THEY DISCUSS THE SIGNING OF IT

"Yes, Mawruss, when the history of this here Peace Conference iswritten, y'understand, a whole lot of things which up to now has beenmysteries will be made very plain to the people which has gottwenty-five dollars to invest in such a history and the spare time inwhich to read it, " Abe Potash said to his partner Morris Perlmutter afew days after the treaty was signed. 

"There will be a great many people who will try to find the time atthat, " Morris commented, "because I see by the morning paper that one ofMr. Wilson's relatives has bought for him in Southern California a pieceof property especially for Mr. Wilson to write the history of the PeaceConference in, and why should he go to all that expense if there wasn'ta big market for such a history?"

"I wonder did Mr. Wilson have to pay much money for the history rightsto the Peace Conference?" Abe asked. 

"What do you mean--did he pay much money?" Morris exclaimed. "Anybodycan write a history of the Peace Conference without paying a cent forthe privilege, and even if they couldn't, y'understand, who is going tobid against Mr. Wilson, because when it comes to what actually happenedat them confidential meetings between Mr. Wilson, Clemenceau, and LordGeorge, Abe, Mr. Wilson had a monopoly of the raw material in thehistory line. He didn't even let Colonel House in on it, so you can betyour life if there was any competitors of Mr. Wilson trying to get a fewideas for a competing line of popular-price Peace Conference histories, Abe, Mr. Wilson didn't exactly unbosom himself to them historians, neither, because a diplomatic secret is a diplomatic secret, Abe, butwhen in addition, the diplomat is counting on writing a history of themdiplomatic doings, Abe, diplomatic secrets become trade secrets. "

"It seems to me, Mawruss, that while you couldn't blame Mr. Wilson forwriting a history of the Peace Conference for a living after he loseshis job in March, 1921, " Abe continued, "still at the same time, considering that Mr. Wilson has taken such a prominent part in this herePeace Conference, and considering also that Mr. Wilson is only human, nomatter what Senator Reed might say otherwise, don't you think he isgoing to have a difficult time in deciding for himself just wherehistory leaves off and advertising begins?"

"The probabilities is that he wouldn't give himself a shade the worst ofit, if that's what you mean, " Morris observed, "but as to whether or notsuch a history would be the equivalent of an actor writing a criticismof his own performance, Abe, that I couldn't say, because the chances isthat when Lord George gets through with the job of chief CabinetMinister or whatever his job is called, he would also try his hand atwriting a history, and if that is the case, you could make up your mindto it that Clemenceau ain't going to sit down at his time of life andlet them two historians put it all over him. So, therefore, if Mr. Wilson should feel like writing in his history: 'At this point, thingswas at a standstill and nobody seemed to know what to do next, whensuddenly some one made a suggestion which cleared up the wholesituation. It was Woodrow Wilson who spoke'--y'understand, he willfigure that Lord George is probably going to say in his history: 'Atthis point the Peace Conference was up against it and it looked like thebottom had fallen out of everything, when like a voice from heaven, somebody made a remark which smoothed away all difficulties. It was LordGeorge who came to the rescue. ' The consequence will be that both ofthem historians will beat Clemenceau to it, by giving credit for thesuggestion to the feller who made it, even if it would have been Orlandohimself. "

"But suppose Mr. Wilson actually did make the suggestion, Mawruss, andin the interests of telling the strict truth about the matter, he feelsthat he is obliged to mention it in his history, " Abe said, "he's boundto run up against a big chorus of _Yows!_"

"Well, so far as I could see, nobody compels Mr. Wilson to write ahistory of that Peace Conference if he don't want to, " Morris replied, "and if he should decide not to do so, he could always rent thatSouthern California property furnished for the season, or if he feelsthat he must occupy it himself for history business purposes, he couldanyhow write a domestic History of the United States from December 5, 1918, to July 6, 1919, both inclusive, in which his name need hardlyoccur at all. But joking to one side, Abe, when the history of this herePeace Conference gets written, it don't make no difference who writesit, he ain't going to be able to ignore Mr. Wilson exactly. In fact, Abe, the history of this here Peace Conference is going to be more orless principally about Mr. Wilson, and if the feller who writes itwouldn't be exactly Senator Lodge, y'understand, the truth is bound toleak out that Mr. Wilson did a wonderful job over in Paris. Of course hemade a whole lot of enemies over here, but then he also made a whole lotof peace over there, Abe, and, after all, that is what he went therefor. "

"Still I couldn't help thinking that from a business point of view, Mawruss, the Peace Conference suffered a good deal from poormanagement, " Abe said. "Take for instance the signing of the PeaceTreaty in Mirror Hall, Versailles, and properly worked up, the Alliescould of made enough out of that one show alone to pay for all the shipsthat Germany sank a few days ago, which holding a thing like that in ahall, Mawruss, is a sample of what kind of management there was. "

"They had the Germans sign that Peace Treaty in that hall because it wasthe same hall where them Germans made the French sign the Peace Treatyin 1870, " Morris explained. 

"Sure I know, " Abe said, "but what did they know about such things in1870? Even grand opera they gave in halls in them days, which, considering the amount of interest there was in the signing of the PeaceTreaty, Mawruss, I bet yer enough people was turned away from MirrorHall, Versailles, to more than fill five halls of the same size. As itwas, Mawruss, so many people crowded into that Mirror Hall that nobodycould see anything, and the consequence was that when Clemenceau begunhis speech the disorder was something terrible. "

"I suppose his opening remark was: 'Koosh! What is this? A_Kaffeeklatsch_ or something?'" Morris remarked, satirically. 

"It might just so well have been, for all anybody heard of it, " Abe wenton. "In fact, the papers say that all through it there was loud criesof, 'Down in front!' from people which had probably bought their ticketsat the last moment off of a speculator who showed them a diagram ofMirror Hall, Batesville, and not Versailles, on which it looked likethey was getting four good ones in the fifth row, center aisle, Mawruss. "

"Probably also while Clemenceau was speaking, there was difficulty incalling off the score-card and ice-cream-cone venders, " Morris said. 

"I am telling you just exactly what I read it in the newspapers, " Abesaid, "which there ain't no call to get sarcastic, Mawruss. The signingof that treaty was arranged just the same like any other show isarranged, except that the arrangements wasn't quite so good. The ideawas to make it impressive by keeping it very plain, and that is wherethe Allies, to my mind, made a big mistake, because the people to beimpressed was the Germans, and what sort of an impression would thatsigning of the Peace Treaty by delegates in citizen clothes make on acountry where a station agent looks like a colonel and a colonel lookslike the combined annual conventions of the Knights of Pythias and theI. O. M. A. "

"The chances is that the Allies did the best they could with the shorttime they had for preparation, because you must got to remember that theGermans didn't make up their minds to sign till two days before thesigning, and considering that the President of the United States wearsonly the uniform prescribed by the double-page advertisements ofRochester, Chicago, and Baltimore clothing manufacturers for people whoride in closed cars, two days is an awful short time to hire a reallyimpressive uniform, let alone to have one made to order, Abe, " Morrissaid. "Furthermore, Abe, the signing of that Peace Treaty could havebeen put on by the feller that runs off these here Follies with theassistance of George M. Cohan and the management of the MetropolitanOpera House, y'understand, and the costumes could have been designed byRingling Brothers, with a few hints from Rogers, Peet, understand me, and I don't believe them Germans would stick to the terms of the treatyanyway. "

"Europe should worry about that, Mawruss, " Abe said. "The main thing isthat the peace is signed and the last of our boys would soon be homeagain from Europe, and once we get them back again in this country, Mawruss, it _oser_ would make any difference to us whether Germany keepsthe treaty or she don't keep it, Mawruss, the chances of us sending ourboys back again is pretty slim. "

"But under section ten of the League Covenant, Abe, " Morris began, "thetime might come when we would got to send them. "

"Maybe, " Abe admitted, "but if any of them European nations has got theidea that because Germany is going to be slow pay we would oblige with afew million troops, Mawruss, they've got another idea coming. We are anation, not a collection agency, and no amount of section tens is goingto make us one, either. "

"Well, that is the danger of this here League of Nations, Abe, " Morrissaid, "and if the Senate ratifies it, we are not only a collectionagency, but a burglar insurance company as well, and in fact some of theSenators goes so far as to say that we ain't so much insuring peopleagainst the operations of burglars as insuring burglars against theloss of their _ganevas_. "

"I know the Senators is saying that, and I also know that Mr. Wilsonsays it ain't so, " Abe agreed, "but this here fuss about internationalaffairs has got what the lawyers calls a statue of limitations runningagainst it right now, and I give both Mr. Wilson and the Senate sixmonths, and they will be going round saying: 'Do you remember when sixmonths ago we got so terrible worked up over that--now--NationalLeague, ' and somebody who is sitting near them will ask, for the sake ofhaving things just right, 'You mean that League of Nations, ain't it?'and Mr. Wilson will say: 'League of Nations! National League! What's thedifference? Let's have another round of Old Dr. Turner's FavoriteAsparagus Tonic and forget about it. '"

"So you think that all this international politics will be forgotten asquickly as that?" Morris commented. 

"Say!" Abe said, "it won't take long for Mr. Wilson to settle down intoAmerican ways again. Of course it will be pretty hard for him during thefirst few weeks, whenever he gets a sick headache, to send out for adoctor instead of an admiral, and he may miss his evening _schmooes_with Clemenceau, Lord George, and Orlando, but any one that will havesuch a lot of _clav hasholom_ times to talk over as Mr. Wilson will forthe rest of his life, even if he does have to hold out some of the stufffor his History of the Peace Conference in three volumes, pricetwenty-five dollars, Mawruss, would never need to play double solitairein order to fill in the time between supper and seeing is the pantrywindow locked in case Mrs. Wilson is nervous that way. Then again thereis things happening in this country which looked very picayune to Mr. Wilson over in France, and which will seem so big when he arrives herethat almost as soon as he sets his foot on the dock in Hoboken, theLeague of Nations will get marked off in his mind for depreciation asmuch as a new automobile does by merely having the owner's number platesattached to it, even if it ain't been run two miles from the agencyyet. "

"I never thought of it that way, " Morris admitted, "but it is a factjust the same that this here League of Nations is only being operated atthe present time under a demonstrator's license, so to speak, and assoon as it gets its regular number, the manufacturers and the agentswon't be so sensitive about the knocks that the prospective customers ishanding it. "

"And just so soon as the demonstrations have gone far enough, Mawruss, just you watch all the nations of the earth that ain't made up theirminds whether they want to ride or not, jump aboard, " Abe said. "Also, Mawruss, this League of Nations is to the United States Senate what anew-car proposition is to the head of any respectable family. If thewife wants it and the children wants it, it may be that the old man willthink it over for a couple of weeks, and he may begin by saying thatthe family would get a new car over his dead body, and what do theythink he is made of, money? y'understand, but sooner or later he isgoing to sign up for that new car, and don't you forget it. And afterall, Mawruss, if the other big nations is in on this League of Nations, we could certainly afford to pay our share of what it costs to run it. "

"Maybe we could, " Morris concluded, "but if a new League of Nations islike a new automobile, we are probably in for an expensive time, becausewith a new car, Abe, it ain't what you run that costs so much money. It's what you back into. "

XXIII

THE RECENT UNPLEASANTNESS IN TOLEDO, OHIO

"If we would only had our wits about us the day we sent for thepoliceman to put out that feller we had running the elevator, Mawruss, we could of made quite a lot of money maybe, " Abe Potash remarked toMorris Perlmutter a few days after the heavy-weight title changed hands. 

"If we would only had our wits about us and you had taken my advice tolet the feller sleep off his jag instead of hauling in a policeman towake him up and throw him out, Abe, " Morris said, "they wouldn't ofbroken, between them, fifty dollars' worth of fixtures and ruined a lotof garments on us. "

"Well, that's what I mean, Mawruss, which is forty-five thousand peoplecould be persuaded into paying anywheres from ten to a hundred dollarsapiece to see that nine-minute affair in Toledo where the two loafersdidn't have nothing against one another personally and couldn't of kepttheir minds on the fight anyhow for trying to figure their share of theprofits, y'understand, what would them forty-five thousand _meshugoyim_paid to see for twenty minutes a couple of fellers which they reallyand truly wanted to kill each other without any intermissions of so muchas two seconds, Mawruss?" Abe said. 

"Well, I'll tell you, Abe, " Morris said, "these here fight fans are thesame like moving-picture fans; they would a whole lot sooner pay outmoney to see the imitation article than the real thing. Tell one ofthese here fight fans that for ten cents you would let him know where athalf past nine o'clock on Monday morning an iron-molder has got anappointment to meet a stevedore who used to be engaged to theiron-molder's sister and now refuses to return the twenty-five dollarshe borrowed from her to get the wedding-ring and the marriage license, and the fight fan would ask you what is that _his_ business. Tell amoving-picture fan that there is a family over on Tenth Avenue where thefather is a ringer for William S. Hart and is _also_ in jail, y'understand, and that such a family is about to be dispossessed fornon-payment of rent, understand me, and if you made an offer to such amoving-picture fan, that for a contribution of fifteen cents towardfinding the family a new home, you would show him a close-up of thelandlord, of the notice to quit and of the court-room of the MunicipalCourt of the City of New York for the Eleventh Judicial District wheresuch proceedings are returnable, understand me, the moving-picture fanwouldn't come across with a nickel, not even if you undertook to engagethe entire combined orchestras of the Strand, the Rivoli, and the Rialtomoving-picture theaters to play 'Hearts and Flowers' while thefurniture was being piled on the moving-van. "

"I wouldn't blame the moving-picture fan at that, Mawruss, " Abe said, "because if such a moving-picture fan would see one of these hereharrowing William S. Hart and Mary Pickford incidents in real life, Mawruss, when it reached the point where the moving-picture fan's heartis going to break unless there would be a quick happy ending, y'understand, not only would there _not_ be a happy ending, but also, Mawruss, instead of the next incident being a Mack Sennett comedy inreal life, Mawruss, it might be something so sad, y'understand, that ifa moving-picture corporation would try to reproduce it on the screen, itwould cost them a fortune for glycerin alone. "

"A moving-picture fan's heart don't break so easy as all that, Abe, "Morris said. "Moving-picture fans is like doctors and undertakers, Abe. They've got so used to other people's misfortunes that it practicallydon't affect them at all. Moving-picture fans can see William S. Hartcome out of jail to find his wife married to the detective who not onlyarrested him in the first reel, but is also giving terrible _makkas_ toMr. Hart's youngest child in the second reel, y'understand, and wringsthat moving-picture fan's heart to the same extent like it would besomething in a tropical review entitled: 'Eighth Annual Convention ofthe United Ice-men of America, Akron, Ohio. Arrival of the Delegates atthe Akron, Union, Depot, ' y'understand. Yes, Abe, the effect offive-reel films on a moving-picture fan's heart is like the effect offive-star Scotch whisky on a typical club-man's life. It hardens it tosuch an extent that it practically ceases to do the work for which itwas originally put into a human body, Abe. "

"To tell you the truth, Mawruss, I 'ain't got no use for any kind of afan, and that goes for moving-picture fans, fight fans, baseball fans, and pinochle fans, not to mention grand-opera fans, first-night theayterfans, and every other fan from golluf downwards. Take these here fightfans which chartered special trains for Toledo, Ohio, and paid a hundreddollars for a ringside seat, Mawruss, and to my mind it would take oneof these here insanity experts to figure out just what made them do itat a time when on account of the raise in rent and living expenses, somany heads of families is staying home with their families these hotSundays and reading the papers about the fight fans chartering specialtrains and paying a hundred dollars for ringside seats, and not feelingthe heat any the less because of reading such things. Also, Mawruss, asone business man to another who has had the experience of riding on asleeper and making Cleveland, Toledo, Detroit, and Chicago even undernormal travel conditions, Mawruss, I ask you, where is the pleasure insuch a trip?"

"Them fight fans don't do it for pleasure, Abe, " Morris said. "They doit for a reputation. "

"A reputation for what?" Morris asked. 

"A reputation for having paid the United States Railroad Administrationtwice the regular fare to Toledo for a railroad journey, and also thereputation for having paid the manager of this here prize-fight fiftytimes the regular price of a ticket for a legitimate entertainment, "Morris replied. 

"But what for a reputation is that for a sane man to get?" Abe asked. 

"Well, " Morris commented, "for that matter, what kind of a reputationdoes the same man get when he pays fifty dollars to reserve a table at aBroadway restaurant on New-Year's Eve? That's where your friend theinsanity expert comes in, Abe. It's the kind of a reputation which thepeople among which such a feller has got it--when they talk about itsays: 'And suppose he did. What _of_ it?'"

"It seems to me, Mawruss, that when a feller gets the reputation forhaving such a reputation, his friends should ought to tip him off thatif he don't be mighty careful, the first thing you know he would begetting that kind of a reputation, " Abe said, "because there is also awhole lot of other people among which he got that reputation, whowouldn't stop at saying: 'Suppose he did. What _of_ it?' They would tryto figure out the answer upon the basis that a feller who pays a hundreddollars for a ringside seat to see a fight which lasted nine minutes, y'understand, and his money, understand me, are soon parted, and thefirst thing you know, Mawruss, that poor nebich of a prize-fight fanwould be unable to attend the next annual heavy-weight championship ofthe world to be held in Yuma, Arizona, or some such summer resort, inAugust, 1921, simply because the United States Railroad Administrationrefused to accept for his transportation in lieu of cash two thousandshares of the Shapiro Texas Oil and Refining Corporation of the parvalue of one hundred dollars apiece, notwithstanding that he also offersto throw in a couple of hundred shares of a farm-tractor manufacturingcorporation and lots 120 to 135, both inclusive, in Block 654 on a mapfiled in the office of the clerk of Atlantic County, New Jersey, entitled Map of Property of the East by Southeast, Atlantic City Landand Development Company. "

"Well, it would serve such a feller right if such a thing did happen tohim, " Morris commented, "because any one who takes an interest in such adisgusting affair as this here fight should not only lose his money, buthe should ought to go to jail. "

"I give you right, Mawruss, " Abe replied. "And why the newspapers printthe reports of such a thing is a mystery to me. Here there arehappenings, happenings over in Europe which is changing the history ofthe world every twenty-four hours, Mawruss, and to this one prize-fightwhich a man has got to be a loafer not to get sick at his stomach overit, Mawruss, they are devoting practically the entire newspaper. I giveyou my word, Mawruss, it took me pretty near three hours to read itlast night. "

"At the same time, Abe, " Morris said, "you would think that a man ofthis here Jeff Willard's fighting record wouldn't of give up so easy. "

"Look what he was up against, " Abe reminded him. "There 'ain't been afighter in years with this feller Dempsey's speed and science, Mawruss. "

"But I don't think that Willard was trained right, Abe, " Morris said. 

"What do you mean--not trained right?" Abe retorted. "From what thenewspapers has been saying during the past few weeks, Mawruss, he was inwonderful condition, and his sparring partners seemingly could hit himon any part of his face and body, and it never seemed to affect himany. "

"Sure I know, " Morris agreed, "but what for a training was that for arough affair like this here prize-fight turned out to be, which if Iwould of been this here Jeff Willard's manager, Abe, I wouldn't of putno faith in sparring partners. A sparring partner is only human--that isto say, if any prize-fighter could be human--and naturally such asparring partner ain't going to do himself out of a good job by goingtoo far and seriously injuring a heavyweight champion. The consequenceswas, Abe, that this here Jeff Willard went into the ring, confident thathe couldn't be knocked down by a blow from a fighter like Dempsey, simply because he had no experience in being knocked down by a blow. "

"Maybe he couldn't of been knocked down by a blow from his sparringpartners, " Abe suggested. "Maybe they weren't strong enough. "

"That's just what I'm driving into, Abe, " Morris said, "which if insteadof Willard's manager wasting time by trying to have sparring partnersknock him down, he would have gone to work and had Willard knocked downby something which could really and truly knock him down, like a FifthAvenue stage or a heavy automobile delivery truck, y'understand, theresult might have been very different. "

"Sure I know, " Abe said, "but you could easy overdo such a trainingmethod, Mawruss, and end up with an autopsy instead of a prize-fight. Also, Mawruss, the way it looked to experts after this here fight hadbeen pulled off, where Willard made his mistake was in training toreceive punishment instead of training to give it. "

"Willard didn't believe in training to give punishment, " Morris said. "If he had believed in it, he could have gone over to Europe andreceived pretty nearly a year and a half of the very best training aprize-fighter could get in giving punishment, Abe, and also, Abe, hewould have avoided getting called a slacker by some of them prize-fightfans, who seemed to be sore that Willard should have quit after losingonly half his teeth and having still another eye to see with, the rightone being blinded in the first round, Abe. "

"Well, the chances is that when Willard goes to consult a doctor, whichhe would probably have to do after the licking he got, Mawruss, " Abesaid, "before he would get the opportunity to tell the doctor that hehad been in a prize-fight, the doctor will give one look at him and laythe whole trouble to abscesses at the roots of the teeth, and he willorder Willard to go and have the rest of them drawn right away, so hemight just as well have stayed one more round and let Dempsey finish thejob. Also, Mawruss, them fight fans _oser_ cared whether Willard hadserved in the army or not. Willard was the loser, and naturally themBroadway fight fans didn't have no sympathy with a loser, so even ifthere hadn't been no European war for Willard not to serve in, Mawruss, they would of tried to think of some other name to shout at him as hestaggered out of the ring, like Prohibitionist or League-of-Nationer. "

"Of course them fight fans had in a way a right to get sore, Abe, "Mawruss remarked, "because a whole lot of them had bet money on Willardto win. "

"Sure they did, " Abe agreed, "but gambling on the personal injuries oftwo human beings, even if they do agree of their own will to see howlong they can stand such injuries without growing unconscious, Mawruss, is my idea of nothing to gamble about. But I suppose the typical fightfan don't feel that way about it. Probably when some member of hisfamily has got to go through an operation, he wipes away his tears withone hand and makes a book on the result with the other. He probablyoffers his friends even money that the party won't come out of theether, one to two that the party wouldn't rally from the shock, and oneto three against complete recovery inside of a month, or he will make acombination offer whereby his friends can play the operation across theboard as a two or three proposition, Mawruss. "

"And his friends, being also prize-fight fans, will probably take himup, " Morris suggested. 

"Certainly they will, " Abe concluded, "because to a prize-fight fansuffering is not a sight which is to be avoided. It is something which atypical prize-fight fan would take a special train and pay a hundreddollars any time to see. "

XXIV

FEEDING THE PEACE CONFERENCERS AND THE HOUSEHOLD

"Anybody which don't arrange beforehand what the price is going to be, Mawruss, is never overcharged, no matter how much he gets soaked in thebill, " Abe Potash said to his partner, Morris Perlmutter, a few daysafter the Hotel Crillon filed its claim against the American peacemission for two million francs, "which, if the way the United Statesgovernment arranged with the management of the Hotel Crillon for theboard and lodging of them Peace Conferencers is any criterium, Mawruss, we would got to start a recruiting drive for fifty thousand certifiedpublic accountants for service abroad, with a chance to see thewonderful scenery and bookkeeping of France. "

"I thought the United States government didn't make any arrangement withthe Hotel Crillon before them Peace Conferencers went over, Abe, " Morrissaid. 

"That's what I mean, Mawruss, " Abe said, "which, when President Wilsonmade up his mind to send all them experts over to France he sent forAmbassador Sharp and asked him where's a good place for them Indians tostay, and Sharp told him the Hotel Crillon, and when Mr. Wilson askedhim is it a good medium-price place, Mr. Sharp says he shouldn't worry, that Jake Crillon is a good feller and wouldn't overcharge nobody, y'understand, and for to leave it to Jake, and so Mr. Wilson done so, Mawruss, and naturally this is the result. "

"Why, what for a bill did the management of the Hotel Crillon put inagainst the United States government, Abe?" Morris asked. 

"They 'ain't put in any bill as yet, Mawruss, " Abe said. "This here isonly a preliminary claim of two million francs, on account of the lossof regular customers because the hotel has been occupied for such a longtime by them American Peace Conferencers. "

"Well, wouldn't most of the regular customers come back if themanagement promised that after them Peace Conferencers went home theywould disinfect the hotel and give it a thorough overhauling orsomething?" Morris asked. 

"The question 'ain't been argued as yet, Mawruss, " Abe said, "but you'llhave to admit that if two years from now a guest of the Hotel Crilloncomplains to the management of something about his room smelling awfulpeculiar, y'understand, and if the management should go to work and tearup the floor and overhaul the plumbing, only to find that it's a case ofthe room not having recovered from an American Jugo-Slob expert holdingconferences with the Jugo-Slob delegates to the Peace Conference in it, understand me, two million francs ain't going to go such a long ways, inespecially at the present rate of exchange, Mawruss. "

"Perhaps you're right, Abe, " Morris said. "Perhaps it is better that alump sum like two million francs would be charged rather as go into theitems themselves, because, for instance, if that American mission tonegotiate peace had been staying at the hotel which we stayed at, Abe, abill would have been submitted like this, Abe:

 "MM. American Mission to Negotiate Peace TO HOTEL SE'ESCROQUERIE ET LONDRES, DR. 

 Terms, net cash 800 rooms; 8 baths Tel. : 6060 Rivoli

March, 1919: To entertaining MM. Orlando and Sonnino, as follows: Table overturned and following articles broken: 1 inkstand and mucilage-bottle. Fr. 24. 50 1 table-cover damaged by mucilage. 45. 00 Chairs injured as follows: 1 light chair thrown through window. 58. 00 1 heavy chair thrown through window. 85. 00 Labor as follows: Sweeping up broken eye-glasses. 2. 00 Sweeping up hair. 3. 00 Removing blood-stains from carpet. 4. 50Credit: By one unclaimed hat, labeled 'Mike, the Popular Rome Hatter'. . 20 _____ Total Fr. 382. 40

and not only would it have given away a whole lot of diplomatic secrets, but the American mission would also have got to pay a luxury tax of tenper cent. On the hotel's telephone number and a little mistake of ahundred francs in the addition. "

"But this here Hotel Crillon was a strictly first-class hotel, Mawruss, "Abe said, "and with strictly first-class hotels it's the same in Europeas it is in this country, Mawruss; the rates are so fixed that it ain'tnecessary for the management to make mistakes in the bill, while theaccounting department always figures the overhead so as to include thehotel's telephone number, the number of the guest's room, and, in thecase of mountain-resort hotels, the altitude of the hotel abovesea-level. "

"Well, that's just what I am driving into, Abe, " Morris said. "Even whenhotel bills are submitted weekly and the management has got his signedchecks to show for it, Abe, nobody never realizes that he owes all thatmoney to a hotel, y'understand, and when at the end of the peacecommission's tenancy the hotel management sends in its final bill, Abe, there's going to be considerable argument between Mr. Joseph Grew, thesecretary of the commission, and all them Peace Conferencers, expert andotherwise, as to who ordered what and when, y'understand, which I see bythe newspapers, Abe, that Mr. Grew has already begun an investigationabout who authorized the serving of one hundred bottles tchampanyer wineon June 14th, and if Mr. Grew couldn't trace the party which signed forone hundred bottles tchampanyer wine on June 14th, y'understand, whatchance does he have of finding out who is responsible for each andevery one of the hundreds of checks with illegible signatures which isbound to show up in the final accounting for such articles as scrambledeggs, bacon, and coffee, which any Peace Conferencers might have signedfor, whether his home town was in a dry state or not, Abe. "

"And Mr. Grew wouldn't get no sympathy from the President, neither, Mawruss, " Abe said, "which, when the morning mail arrives at the WhiteHouse nowadays just as Mr. Wilson is saying to Mrs. Wilson, '_Some_coffee, mommer!'--because the average American has got to be home fromEurope at least a month before a good cup of coffee ceases to become amiracle, Mawruss--it won't take more than two letters from Mr. Grewasking Mr. Wilson does he remember whether at the conference betweenhim, Clemenceau, Lord George, Venezuelas, and Baron Ishii, held inParlor A on March 22d, did or did not somebody order a rye-bread tonguesandwich and a split of Evian water, and if so to please sign inclosedcheck for same, _non pro tunc_ as of March 22d, 1919, understand me, before the only effect an envelope addressed in the handwriting of Mr. Grew will have on Mr. Wilson is that he is going to throw it unopenedinto the waste-paper basket without so much as saying, 'I wonder whatthat _schlemiel_ wants from me _now_. '"

"As a matter of fact, Abe, the price of food 'ain't interested Mr. Wilson since a few days ago when he asked Mrs. Wilson, 'How much are wepaying now for coffee, mommer?' and Mrs. Wilson says fifty-eight centsa pound, and Mr. Wilson says for the love of Mike, and then asks whatshe is paying for eggs, and Mrs. Wilson says at Ginsburg's EconomyMarket eighty-five cents a dozen, and Mr. Wilson says he would just aslieve have some hash from last night's rib roast, and Mrs. Wilson saysshe doesn't blame him and so would she, but that they are going to havethat rib roast cold for lunch on account Ginsburg is practically_schenking_ his customers rib roast for fifty-five cents a pound, "Morris said. 

"And how did you come to hear about this conversation, Mawruss?" Abeasked. 

"I didn't hear about it, " Morris replied, "but I presume it took placethe morning after the newspapers printed the report of the Federal TradeCommission about the packing-houses, Abe, because a similar conversationhappened at my breakfast-table that morning, and I presume it alsohappened at yours. "

"Well, it's time that business men begun to take a little interest inthe cost of what they are eating, Mawruss, " Abe said. "On account of theincrease in the price of food, Mawruss, the business man is now payingmore money to all the people which is working for him, except his wife. "

"Sure, I know, " Morris said, "but the business man which is mean enoughto hold down his wife to twenty dollars a week housekeeping money simplybecause the principle of the closed shop and collective bargaining can'tbe applied to an American household the way it could to a Turkishharem, Abe, don't live so well as he used to. Former times when such aman complained to his wife that the chicken was a little tough, y'understand, she used to say, 'What do you want for twenty dollars aweek housekeeping money--mocking-birds?' Nowadays, however, the bestthat such a man has got to complain about being tough is round steak, and his wife now says, 'What do you want for twenty dollars a weekhousekeeping money--chicken?'"

"And the standard of living for even business men is going down so fast, Mawruss, that next year when such a man complains that the tripe istough, she is going to say, 'What do you expect for twenty dollars aweek housekeeping money--round steak?'" Abe said, "and if them packersgoes on trying to control the entire bill of fare from soup to cereals, Mawruss, it would only be a matter of a few years when such a husband isgoing to complain that the puffed jute is tough, and his wife is goingto ask him, 'What do you expect for twenty dollars a week housekeepingmoney--ensilage?' which, if something ain't done pretty soon to stopdealers boosting the price of food, Mawruss, twenty dollars a weekhousekeeping money ain't going to feed a family of hearty-eatingcanary-birds. "

"I suppose that in the end, Abe, the business man would be obliged toadmit that the high cost of living is just as expensive for his wife asit is for his other employees, " Morris concluded, "and, without theformality of a strike, the wives of business men will be conceded a newwage-scale of from thirty to forty dollars, in place of the old scale oftwenty dollars, for a working-week of one hundred and sixty-eight hours, because it don't make no difference if the Senate confirms the League ofNations or not, Abe, married business men will never live up to theclause which provides for an international working-day of eighthours--anyhow, so far as their wives is concerned. "

"That ain't the only clause of the Peace Treaty which wouldn't be livedup to, Mawruss, " Abe said, "because I see that already the Germans ishaving their troubles restoring to the British government this hereskull of the Sultan Mkwiwa, Mawruss, which, according to Section Eight, I think it is, of the Treaty of Peace, was removed from German EastAfrica and taken to Germany. "

"But the Germans claim that it was never taken from German East Africa, but was buried there, and they misremember the name of the cemetery, "Morris declared. 

"I know they do, and I couldn't understand their attitude in the matter, Mawruss, " Abe said. "Why don't they go to work and send England any oldskull, which a skull is a skull, ain't it?--and one skull is just asmuch like another skull as two pinochle decks with the same backs, andwho is going to check them up on it no matter what kind of a skull theysend? Besides, Mawruss, the people who had pull enough to get that skullsection inserted in the Treaty of Peace is going to be divided into twoclasses when that skull arrives in East Africa, _anyway_--namely, thosewho will throw a bluff that they recognized the skull as the sultan'sskull as soon as they laid eyes on it, y'understand, and those who willrefuse to concede that any skull is the sultan's skull. There will also, of course, be a large class of East Africans who won't give a nickel oneway or the other; so if Germany couldn't find the sultan's skull, letthem send England an _ersatz_ sultan's skull with a genwine sultan'slabel on it. They've been doing that sort of thing for years withAmerican safety-razors, American folding-cameras, and Americantypewriters; why should they now take it so particular with a GermanEast African sultan?"

"Then you think there is something suspicious about the way Germany isacting over this here skull?" Morris suggested. 

"I wouldn't call it exactly suspicious, Mawruss, " Abe said, "but at thesame time I wouldn't put it beyond the Germans that, after the Alliesgets through discussing together whether or not the sultan's skull isgenwine, they would suddenly awake to the fact that at least two of themillion-mark bills which Germany paid over in the indemnity, y'understand, are _not_. So, therefore, my advice to England is, examinethe German indemnity carefully, and don't let no returned sultan's skulldistract your attention, even if it would be made of plaster of Pariswith a round hold on top for keeping matches in it, and on the bottom asign, reading:

"_Grüss Aus Schveningen_. "

XXV

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? THIS INCLUDES LIBELED MILLIONAIRES, ENFORCED PROHIBITION, AND SHANTUNG

"Well I'll tell you, Mawruss, " Abe Potash said, recently, "I doubt verymuch if I would be able to say offhand who Arnold Benedict was if Iwould be asked such a question by a smart lawyer in a court-room full ofreporters, which, if they hadn't happened to be there at that particularmoment, would of probably gone to their graves without even the faintestsuspicion that you didn't spell _ignorant idealist_ with two l's, y'understand. "

"Still, Abe, you've got to admit that plaintiff in a libel suit don'tdeserve much sympathy if he don't post himself before going on the standas to the meaning of the libel, so as to anyhow be able to say that it_was_ a libel and not a compliment, understand me, " Morris said. 

"He took his lawyers' word for it that it was a libel, Mawruss, " Abesaid, "and, anyhow, Mawruss, nobody has got a right to call anybody anignorant philantropist even, no matter how ignorant such a philantropistmight be about what the word philantropist would mean. "

"And do you _know_ what it means?" Morris asked. 

"A philantropist is a feller who gives big sums of moneys toorphan-asylums, hospitals, and colleges, and if he could afford it he'sa philantropist, Mawruss, and if he couldn't, then he's a sucker, andthat is what is called a philantropist, " Abe said, "which, if I didn'tknow what it meant, Mawruss, I ain't such an ignorant idealist that Iwould use such a word in front of you and expect you not to try to tripme up on it. "

"I see you've also been looking up what ignorant idealist means, " Morrisobserved. 

"And I ain't very peculiar that way, neither, Mawruss, " Abe admitted, "because I bet yer that in the last two days at least five millionpeople has been looking up in the dictionary what that word idealistmeans and not knowing even _then_ what it means, y'understand, and stillthat 'ain't prevented them from knocking Mr. Ford, Mawruss. "

"But the fact remains, Abe, that them five million people ain't suingnobody for calling them ignorant idealists, " Morris interrupted. 

"Also, Mawruss, they ain't running one of the largest industrial plantsin the country on a profit-sharing basis with several thousandemployees, " Abe declared, "which there is a whole lot of bigmanufacturers in this country who could go on the stand at a moment'snotice and pass a cross-examination with a hundred-per-cent. Mark on allthem words which you read in them medical journals you pick up from thedoctor's desk in his private office when he excuses himself for a minuteto answer the 'phone and which you put down so quick and pretend you'ain't been reading when he comes back again, if you know what I mean. And furthermore, if these same big manufacturers was elected to theUnited States Senate to-morrow they could make a speech against doingaway with child labor in words of six syllables, y'understand, and wouldprobably make such a speech, because the trouble with most bigmanufacturers is not that they are ignorant, understand me, but thatthey ain't idealists, Mawruss. "

"Just the same, Abe, a man should ought to know what he don't know andside-step it, " Morris said. 

"But the way it is in this country, Mawruss, a multimillionaire can'tside-step it. The newspapers won't let him, because if he gets areputation for having made fifty million dollars in the safety-pinbusiness, we would say, for example, and news gets so scarce in thenewspapers that somebody starts a discussion about which is the biggestmusician, Kreisler _oder_ Zimbalist, y'understand, right away the editorsends out reporters to interview the most prominent men in the countryas to what their opinion is in the matter, and naturally one of thefirst men such a reporter would call on is Harris J. Rosenbaum, theSafety-pin King. Now, what is Rosenbaum going to do under thecircumstances? Is he going to admit to the reporter that up to date hehas been so busy in his safety-pin plant that he 'ain't had time topost himself as to whether Kreisler and Zimbalist is performers on thetrombone _oder_ the mouth-organ? _Oser!_ He finds out from the reporterthat these two fellers has got a piece-work wage-scale for playing onthe fiddle of five dollars a note, net cash, and he says that both ofthem is wonderful fiddlers, y'understand, but that to his mind Kreislerplays with more of the artistic temperature than Zimbalist, or if hedoesn't actually say so, y'understand, the reporter goes back to hisnewspaper and _says_ he said so, and the consequence is that when innext Sunday's paper Rosenbaum reads, KREISLER GREATER ARTISTSAYS SAFETY-PIN KING, he not only begins to believe that he did say it, but also that it'sfunny how a man can go on for years being an expert on fiddle-playingand only find it out by accident, as it were. "

"And I suppose that a few months later, on the strength of what he_don't_ know about fiddle-playing, Abe, " Morris remarked, "Harris J. Rosenbaum, the Safety-pin King, is running for United States Senator andcomes pretty near getting elected, too. "

"There don't seem to be no reason why he wouldn't be, " Abe declared, "because just so long as United States Senators is selected by electionand not by a competitive examination, Mawruss, there will always be acertain percentage of Harris J. Rosenbaums in the United States Senate, which you can't keep millionaires out of public office, if they want tofool away their time in such things, and after all, Mawruss, it ain'thaving brains which makes a man a millionaire, it's having a milliondollars. "

"Then you don't blame Mr. Ford for the way he has behaved himself, Abe?"Morris asked. 

"Not in the least, " Abe said. "Millionaires behave the way theirfellow-countrymen encourages them to behave, Mawruss, which to my mind, Mawruss, the only way to learn a millionaire like Mr. Ford his place isnot to notice him and, in particular, not to pay no attention toanything he says, and such a millionaire would quick subside and devotehimself to the manufacture of safety-pins or the best four-cylinder carfor the money in the world, as the case may be, which I see in the paperthat the refusal of the United States Senate to confirm the Treaty ofPeace looks quite certain to them people to whom the winning of theWillard-Dempsey fight by Jeff Willard looked quite certain, Mawruss. "

"Well, to my mind, Abe, them round-robins is right to look into theTreaty and the League of Nations covenant before they confirm them, "Morris said. "Also, Abe, you couldn't blame them Senators for gettingindignant about the Shantung settlement. "

"Personally I couldn't blame them and I couldn't praise them, Mawruss, because, like a hundred million other people in this country, not beingin the silk business, Mawruss, I never had the opportunity to find outnothing about even where Shantung was on the map till they printed sucha map in the papers last week, and if you've got to go and look it up ona map first to find out whether you should ought to be indignant or not, Mawruss, you couldn't get exactly red in the face over Japan takingShantung, unless you are a Senator from the Pacific coast, where peoplehave got such a wonderful color in their cheeks that Easterners thinkit's the climate, when, as a matter of fact, it is thinking aboutJapanese unrestricted immigration that does it. "

"But the Senators represents the people which elects them, Abe, " Morrissaid, "and if it don't take much to make a Californian indignant aboutany little thing he suspects Japan is doing, y'understand, then SenatorHiram Johnson has got a right to go 'round looking permanently purpleover this here Shantung affair. As for the other Senators, Abe, thetheory on which they talk each other deaf, dumb, and blind is that theyare doing a job which it is impossible for the hundred million people ofthis country to do for themselves. They are saving their constituentsthe trouble of leaving their homes and spending a lot of time ongovernment-controlled railroads, going to and from Washington to maketheir own laws, y'understand. That is what representative government is, Abe, and if the people of this country couldn't get indignant over whatain't right in this here Treaty of Peace and League of Nations withoutworking up such indignation by several days' careful investigation ofthe reasons for getting indignant, then it is up to the United StatesSenate to get indignant for them, even if the individual Senators hasgot to sit up with wet towels 'round their heads and strong black coffeestewing on the gas-stove, so as not to fall asleep over the job ofletting their feelings get the better of their judgment in working up asix-hour speech which will give the country the impression that it justcame pouring out on the spur of the moment as a consequence of theSenators' red-hot indignation about this here Shantung. "

"It's too bad that the House of Representatives couldn't be mind-readerslike the Senate, Mawruss, and get off indignant speeches about what ismaking certain sections of the country so indignant, Mawruss, that iftheir Congressmen is going to really and truly represent them, therewould be a regular epidemic of apoplexy in Washington, " Abe said, "whichI am talking about the enforcement of prohibition, Mawruss. "

"For myself, Abe, I couldn't understand why it should be necessary topass a law to enforce a law, " Morris remarked, "because, if that is thecase, what is going to be the end? After they pass this here law toenforce the prohibition law, are they going to pass another law toenforce the law to enforce prohibition, or do they expect that this hereenforcement law will enforce itself, and if so, then why couldn't theprohibition law be enforced without a law to enforce it?"

"To tell you the truth, Mawruss, a dyed-in-wool Dry could be as hopefulas a man could possibly be on soft drinks, and in his heart of hearts hemust got to know that if Congress would sit from now till the arrival of_Elia Hanov'e_ and did nothing all that time but pass an endless chainof enforcement laws, prohibition will never be enforced except in theproportion of 2. 75 enforcement to 97. 25 violation, anyhow in those partsof the country where the hyphen Americans live and like their beverageswith a hyphen in it, because, Mawruss, where a hundred per cent. Of thepopulation of a certain district has been drinking beer and light winessince 12 A. M. On Rosh Hashonah in the year one up to and includingtwelve midnight on June 30, 1919, y'understand, and seeing no harm init, understand me, not only would an act of Congress fail to change thehearts and conscience of such people, but there could be an earthquake, a cyclone, and anything else which a confirmed Dry would call a judgmenton them people, and still they wouldn't see no harm in it. "

"Then what is the country going to do to enforce the prohibition law?"Morris asked. 

"I don't know, " Abe said; "but one thing is certain, you can't changepeople's habits on and after a certain hour on a certain date by puttinga law into effect on such date. You might just so well expect that, ifthe Senate should confirm the provision handing over Shantung to theJapanese, all the Chinamen in Shantung is immediately going to openstores for the sale of imitation expensive vases and fake silkembroidery, start factories for the manufacture of phony Swedishsafety-matches, and do all the other things which Japanese do sosuccessfully that any reputable business man is willing to take a chanceon getting indignant about Shantung without even asking his stenographerto look it up for him. "

"But I thought you thought that prohibition would be a good thing, Abe?"Morris said. 

"I do, " Abe said. "I think brown stewed fish, sweet and sour, the way myRosie cooks it, is a good thing, but at the same time, Mawruss, Irealize that my taste in this respect is supported only by what youmight call a very limited public sentiment, consisting of Rosie and me, y'understand, and the rest of the household couldn't stand to eat it atall. So, therefore, when we have sweet and sour fish we cook for therest of the family eggs or meat, and in that way we have happiness inthe home. Now a country is a home for the people in it, ain't it, andthe main thing is that they should stick together and be happy, and howcould they be happy if even the great majority of the people tells therest what they should and shouldn't eat or drink?"

"But you admit that _schnapps_ is harmful, don't you?" Morris insisted. 

"And I also admit that sweet and sour fish ain't exactly a health food, Mawruss, " Abe said. "In fact, you wouldn't believe what a lot ofbicarbonate of soda Rosie and me uses up between us after we eat thatfish; but even so, Mawruss, after you have said all you could sayagainst that fish, the fact remains that Rosie and me, we like it. "

"Well, even if the people do like booze, and it does them harm, I saythey shouldn't have it, " Morris said. 

"I agree with you down to the ground, Mawruss, " Abe said. "And I don'tcare if it is booze or sweet and sour, you are still right; but if sweetand sour fish was prohibited, although the fish and the onions and thesugar and the vinegar which you make it out of _wasn't_, y'understand, and in spite of the law, Rosie and me liked it and wanted to continue toeat it, the question then is and the question is going to continue tobe:

"HOW ARE YOU GOING TO STOP IT?"

XXVI

THE APPROACHING ROYAL VISIT

"I see where the King of England, to show his appreciation of what wedone it during the war, Mawruss, is going to send his eldest son, theKing of England, junior, or whatever his name is, to visit us, " AbePotash said to his partner, Morris Perlmutter. 

"Yes?" Morris replied. "Well, why don't the King, senior, come himself?"

"You must think that kings has got nothing better to do with their timethan fool it away on ocean steamers, Mawruss, " Abe said. "A king ofEngland is a very busy man, Mawruss, which I bet yer right now he isdated up as far ahead as Purim, 1921, laying corner-stones, openingexhibitions, making the speech of the afternoon or the evening, as thecase may be, at assorted luncheons, teas, and dinners; trying onuniforms; signing warrants at a fee of two guineas and sixpence--notincluding three cents war tax--for the appointment of tea, coffee, orcocoa manufacturers as purveyors of tea, coffee, or cocoa to the royalhousehold, y'understand, and doing all the other things which a kingdoes in England and a prominent Elk does in America. "

"Well, anyhow, I suppose the King of England, junior, must of done a lotof hard work during the war which makes the King, senior, think that itis time the boy had a vacation. "

"_Oser!_" Abe said. "So far as I can make out, the young feller made acouple of tourist's tours of the battle-fields, Mawruss, and maybehelped out once or twice with the corner-stone laying; but otherwise, for all the actual fighting he did, instead of being the King ofEngland's son during the war, he might just so well have been Mr. Ford'sson. "

"Well, kings, junior or senior, ain't supposed to fight, Abe, " Morrissaid. "The most their countries expects of them is that they shouldshare the privations of their subjects by reducing the cost of runningtheir homes till they are living as economically during war-times as aTexas oil millionaire does during peace-times. There was days togetherthere, in the terrible winter of 1916-1917, when the only dishes whichappeared on the tables of European kings, outside of green-turtle soupand roast pheasant, was hothouse asparagus and fresh strawberryice-cream, Abe. The sufferings of kings, junior and senior, during thewar 'ain't half been told in the newspapers, Abe. "

"The Kings of England, junior and senior, is very popular in England atthat, Mawruss, " Abe said, "which every week the illustrated papersprints picture after picture of both of them Kings looking every inchkings, or anyhow openers or better, y'understand; and in fact, Mawruss, the English-reading public never seems to get tired of seeing picturesof building operations, just so long as there is one of them Kings in itlaying the corner-stone or turning the first sod of the excavation. "

"For that matter, Abe, them brown illustrated supplements to AmericanSunday newspapers which rubs off so on Palm Beach suits and ladies'white gloves, 'ain't absolutely declared a boycott on kings' pictures, neither, " Morris declared. "I suppose that pictures of them Kings withor without Marshal Haig reviewing soldiers and handing out medals iseasy worth several hundred dollars a week to the dry cleaners of NewYork City alone. "

"Did I say they didn't?" Abe asked. "Which, considering the trouble andexpense this country was put to over the Declaration of Independence, Mawruss, you would be surprised how much interest a whole lot of ladiestakes in the English royal family. Here a short time ago the King, senior's, father a brother's daughter got married beneath her to one ofthe chief stockholders of the Canadian Pacific Railroad, Mawruss, andyou would think from the way my Rosie carried on about it that thegirl's mother was going round saying what did she ever do that herdaughter should go to work and marry a feller that made his living thatway, and what a mercy it was the grandmother didn't live to see it; thetheory being, Mawruss, that when a king's relation marries a healthyyoung chief stockholder with nothing flowing in his veins but the bloodof a couple of generations of managing directors, y'understand, it isthe equivalence of a bank president's daughter eloping with aprofessional dancer in a cabaret. "

"And when the King, junior, arrives in this country there is going to bea lot of disappointment among them ladies which also gets their picturesprinted by the Sunday supplement sitting around cross-legged inankle-length, awning-striped skirts at dawg-shows, in such a way thateven the dawgs must feel embarrassed if they've got the ordinary dawg'ssense of decency, Abe, " Morris said, "because I see by the paper thatthe King, senior, has instructed his son that while in New York heshould live on board the English battle-ship which is bringing him hereso as not to have no truck with any millionaires. "

"I suppose the old man thinks that one managing director's child in theroyal family is enough, " Abe suggested. 

"Well, " Morris said, "looking at him from the King's standpoint, it willsave the young feller's mother a lot of anxiety to know that he is safeon board an English battle-ship every night instead of running aroundthe streets of a country where everybody, up to and including thePresident himself, is the young feller's social inferior. "

"And also, you can't blame the old man if he ain't taking no risks whenthe young feller gets home and his mother asks him did he have a goodtime, that two Right Honorable General Practitioners in Waiting wouldgot to work over her for an hour or so bringing her out of one swoonafter another as the result of her son saying, 'I'll _say_ I did, '" Abeobserved. 

"Still, at the same time, Abe, " Morris said, "it is going to be awonderful opportunity for the young feller, even if he gets home again, he would occasionally use the words, '_You've said it_, ' instead of'_Quite so_. '"

"But that ain't the idea in the King's sending him over here, Mawruss, "Abe said. "The intention is that it is a wonderful opportunity for theAmerican people to see how a king looks and at the same time not have itcome off on your gloves. In other words, Mawruss, it's as a favor to usthat the young feller is coming over here, and the chances is that hispersonal feelings in the matter is very much the same as yours or minewould be if we was about to make Sarahcuse, Rochester, Buffalo, Detroit, and Chicago with a line of popular-price garments. We would do it in thecourse of making a living and not for the education of the thing. "

"Then my advice to the young feller and his father is that he shouldstay home in these times when the building trade is looking up so, Abe, and help out with the corner-stone laying, " Morris said, "and give thepeople of this country a real treat by sending over Lord George orMarshall Field Haig, which while this here King, junior, is a decent, respectable young feller and his father is also a gentleman that nobodycould say a word against no matter if it does cost the English peoplesixpence in the pound of the ten shillings in the pound which they'vegot to pay income tax in order that the English royal family shouldcontinue to live in the style to which it has become accustomed duringthe past five hundred years, Abe, still, at the same time, if I could bestanding on the curb watching Lord George or this here Haig driving by, it would give me a real thrill to think that I am at last looking at theface of a man who for over four years has been working night and day toput over the biggest thing that has ever been put over in the history ofthe world, y'understand; whereas, what for a thrill would I get fromlooking at the face of a man who, putting it big, has been laying asmany corner-stones as all the bricklayers' unions in the AmericanFederation of Labor and has been presiding at as many banquets as thishere Irving J. Cobb and Gustave Thomas combined?"

"At that, there will be a whole lot of ambulance calls for people whohas fainted away in the crowds that will collect to see the King, junior, drive up Fifth Avenue, Mawruss, " Abe said. 

"I know there will, " Morris said; "and if it rested with me, Abe, Iwouldn't spend so much as two cents for mathematic spirits of ammonia tobring them to, neither, because them crowds in America is helping alonga European idea which we sent across several million American soldiersto wipe out. Them American crowds will be encouraging European kings tobelieve that even in America we still think it is all right for theordinary people of Europe to sacrifice their lives and their property, in order that them corner-stone layers shall cop out the credit. "

"As a matter of fact, Mawruss, " Abe said, "Mr. Wilson invited the youngfeller to visit America. "

"_Yow_, President Wilson invited him!" Morris exclaimed. "After theexperience President Wilson had in Paris staying with the Murats he musthave a pretty good idea what it means to be eaten out of house and homeby the people that tags along with a king or a president, which I betyer the most that Mr. Wilson said when he was visiting England lastChristmas was that he told the King, senior, if he was ever inWashington to be sure and look him up, or to not to fail to let him knowif he was ever in Washington, or that the latch-string was always out atthe White House, or any one of the hundreds of things that ordinarilythe most inhospitable person in the world is perfectly safe in sayingwithout any one taking him up on it. "

"Well, that's where Mr. Wilson made a big mistake, Mawruss, " Abe said, "because evidently this here King, junior, couldn't take a joke, y'understand; which, the way it looks now, Mawruss, even if Mr. Wilsonhad said, 'I hope to see you again sometime, ' he would of immediatelytaken out of his vest pocket such a little book which you putmemorandums in it and said how about August 30, 1919, or wouldSeptember 10th suit Mr. Wilson better, and that's the way it would ofwent. "

"Anyhow, that's neither here nor there, Abe, " Morris said, "because, nomatter how many times nowadays Mrs. Wilson is going to ask Mr. Wilsonwhy he couldn't of said good-by, King, and let it go at that, becausesuch people, if you give them the least little encouragement, they woulduse you like you was running a boarding-house already, understand me, itain't going to improve matters for Mr. Wilson when the young feller doesarrive. "

"Say!" Abe exclaimed. "It wouldn't do that King, junior, no harm torough it a little there at the White House, Mawruss. "

"What do you mean--rough it?" Morris demanded. "Don't you suppose thePresident of the United States eats just so good in his own home as theKing of England does in his, Abe? It would be the least of Mr. Wilson'sworries if the young feller would expect chicken _à la_ king and filletof kingfish for breakfast, dinner, and supper already, but when it comesto making up a list of the guests which would be invited to meet thishere King of England, junior, that is where Mr. Wilson is wise he wouldget himself run over by a trolley-car or something, and sustain enoughinjuries to keep him confined to his bed from a few days before theyoung feller arrives until the morning after the British ambassadorsuccessfully slips it to the young feller that the people in Washingtonis beginning to wonder if a king of England 'ain't got no home, y'understand. "

"But why couldn't Mr. Wilson give one big dinner for the King, junior, to which he would invite the Senate and House of Representatives in abody, and have the whole thing over at one _schlag_, y'understand?"

"Say, " Morris said, "the dining-room at the White House is a big place, but it ain't exactly Madison Square Garden, and it ain't even Childs'sBoardwalk restaurant, neither. "

"Then let him invite them to a series of meals in rotationalphabetically, and let it go at that, " Abe suggested. 

"Before that would get him out of his troubles and not hold up theconfirmation of the Peace Treaty and League of Nations, Abe, Mr. Wilsonwould first got to get an act of Congress passed amending the order ofthe alphabet and making L for Lodge, J for Johnson, and R for Reed comeahead of H for Hitchcock, who, of course, wouldn't mind helping out Mr. Wilson by allowing himself to be shifted to the third or fourthsitting, " Morris said. 

"Maybe it would be a good thing to let the alphabet stand and squarethings with Borah and Brandegee, " Abe retorted. 

"It might even be still better if Mr. Wilson would write the King, junior, to be so good and postpone his visit until after InaugurationDay, 1921, and put the entire problem up to the next President, whoeverhe might be, " Morris said. 

"He might even be Mr. Wilson, " Abe concluded; "because, when it comes toa job like entertaining this here King, junior, what American is anxiousto tackle it, even if by doing so he could become President even? Am Iright or wrong?"

THE END

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[Transcriber's Note:

The following typographic errors were corrected:p. 55: changed Decclaration to Declarationp. 64: changed Kasier to Kaiserp. 65: changed single quote to double quotep. 69: changed Kasier to Kaiserp. 71: added closing parenthesis to end of (b)p. 167: added missing word "be" to "by such instrumentalities could rendered"p. 204: added missing period]