PEOPLE YOU KNOW

[Illustration]

[Illustration]

PEOPLE YOU KNOW

_BY_ GEORGE ADE

_ILLUSTRATED BY JOHN T. MCCUTCHEON AND OTHERS_

MCMIV

_PREFACE_

This little book is not supposed to contain any new information. It ismade up of plain observations concerning people who live just aroundthe corner. If the reader will bear in mind that _only_ the people wholive around the corner are discussed in this volume, there will beno chance for painful misunderstandings. I have no desire to rub thewrong way anyone who proves his true friendship by purchasing a copyof this Work. It may be advisable to explain that these Fables arewritten in the colloquial American language. The vocabulary employedis one that has become familiar to the ear, although it is seldom seenon the printed page. In other words, this volume contains a shamelessamount of slang. If any part of it is unintelligible to the reader, heshould be glad that he has escaped what seems to be an epidemic. 

THE AUTHOR. 

CONTENTS

The Periodical Souse, the Never-Again Feeling and the Ride On theSprinkling Cart, 13

The Kind of Music That Is Too Good for Household Use, 23

The One or Two Points of Difference Between Learning and Learning How, 26

The Night-Watch and the Would-Be Something Awful, 37

The Attenuated Attorney Who Rang In the Associate Counsel, 46

What Father Bumped Into at the Culture Factory, 54

The Search for the Right House and How Mrs. Jump Had Her AnnualAttack, 65

The Batch of Letters, or One Day With a Busy Man, 72

The Sickly Dream and How It Was Doctored Up, 81

The Two Old Pals and the Call for Help, 90

The Regular Kind of a Place and the Usual Way It Turned Out, 99

The Man Who Had a True Friend to Steer Him Along, 107

The Young Napoleon Who Went Back to the Store On Monday Morning, 110

The High Art That Was a Little Too High for the Vulgarian Who Paid theBills, 119

The Patient Toiler Who Got It in the Usual Place, 129

The Summer Vacation That Was Too Good to Last, 133

How an Humble Beginner Moved from one Pinnacle to Another and Playedthe Entire Circuit, 142

The Maneuvers of Joel and the Disappointed Orphan Asylum, 149

Two Young People, Two Photographers and the Corresponding School ofWooing, 158

The Married Couple That Went to Housekeeping and Began to Find OutThings, 167

The Samaritan Who Got Paralysis of the Helping Hand, 175

The Effort to Convert the Work Horse Into a High-Stepper, 185

The Self-Made Hezekiah and His Message of Hope to This Year's Crop ofGraduates, 194

The Girl Who Took Notes and Got Wise and Then Fell Down, 203

What They Had Laid Out for Their Vacation, 212

The Experimental Couple and the Three Off-Shoots, 215

 * * * * *

_THE PERIODICAL SOUSE, THE NEVER-AGAIN FEELING AND THE RIDE ON THESPRINKLING CART_

Once there was an Indian who had a Way of putting on all his Feathersand breaking out of the Reservation. 

For three Weeks at a Stretch he gave a Correct Imitation of theShining Light who passes the Basket and superintends the Repairs onthe Parsonage. He was entitled to a Mark of 100 for Deportment. Withhis Meals he drank a little Polly. After Dinner he smoked one Perfectoand then, when he had put in a frolicsome Hour or so with the NorthAmerican Review, he crawled into the Hay at 9. 30 P. M. 

At last he accumulated a Sense of Virtue that was hard to carryaround. He was proud of himself when he counted up the number of daysduring which he had stuck to the Straight and Narrow. It seemed tohim that he deserved a Reward. So he decided to buy himself a littlePresent, something costing about 15 cents. He picked out a First-ClassPlace where they had Electric Fans and Pictures by the Old Masters. Hepoured out a Working-man's Size--the kind that makes the Barkeep stopwiping up and look unfriendly for a Moment or two. 

Then he remembered that a Bird cannot fly with one Wing, so he gentlyraised the Index Finger and gave the Prescription Clerk a Look, whichin the Sign Language means, "Repeat the Dose. "

It is an Historical Fact that when a Man falls backward from the WaterWagon he always lands in a Crowd. The full Stage Setting, the LightEffects and the Red Fire were all ready to make it a SpectacularAffair. Just after he had mowed away No. 2 and had stopped worryingabout the Winter's Coal, he began to meet Friends who were dying ofThirst. Then the atmosphere began to be curdled with High Balls andPlymouth Sours and Mint Smashes, and he was telling a Shoe Drummerthat a lot of People who had been knocking him would probably beworking for him before the Year was out. 

[Illustration: _For Three Weeks. _]

Then he found himself in a four-oared Cablet and the Sea became veryRough. There was something out of Whack with the Steering Gear, forinstead of bringing up at his Boarding House he found himself atanother Rum Parlor. The Man who owned the Place had lost the Key andcould not lock up. Here he met several Delegates to a State Conventionof a Fraternal Order having for its Purpose the uplifting of Mankind. They wore Blue Badges and were fighting to get their Money into theCash Register. In a little while he and a red-headed Delegate were upby the Cigar Counter singing, "How can I bear to leave thee?" He putin an Application for Membership and then the next Picture that cameout of the Fog was a Chop Suey Restaurant and everybody breakingDishes. 

[Illustration: _Brothers. _]

Soon after, the Lights went out and when he came back to Earth he waslying the wrong way of his Bed with Blue Badges all over him, tryingto swallow a Bath Towel, which he afterward discovered was his Tongue. By getting a Leverage under his Head he managed to pry it up and thenhe sat on the edge of the Bed and called himself Names. He had nothingleft over except the Cards given to him by the Brothers from up Statesomewhere. He had a dim and sneaking Recollection that he had givenhis address and Phone Number to the whole Tribe and begged them tolook him up. 

"Not any more in Mine, " said he, as he held a Towel under the Faucet. "Not for all of Morgan's would I look at any more of that Essence ofTrouble. I wonder if I'll live through the Morning. "

That Day he lived on Bromo and Ice, and the only Satisfaction thisLife offered was the Fact that he was a Reformed Man. 

On the Second Day he could look at Solid Food without having a Spasm. His Hair stopped pulling and he began to speak to the People he met. When asked to step out for a little while, he lost his Temper andmade a little Talk on the Subject, proving conclusively that there wasNothing in it. 

[Illustration: _Never Again!_]

As he walked homeward in the Dusk he passed the Clubs and Cafés wherethose who Drank were rounding up and he felt sorry for them. 

"Why can't they pass it up, the same as I do?" he asked himself. "Ah, if only they knew how much more Fun it is to be Respectable. "

It was an actual Mystery to him that any one could dally with a DryMartini while there was a Hydrant on every Corner. 

On the third Day he was cracking his Whip and begging People to getup on the Wagon with him. And he said it was a Queer Thing, but hecouldn't bear the Sight of it. 

While on the fourth Evening he confessed to some nice People he met ata Church Social that at one time he had allowed himself to be coaxedinto taking an occasional Nip but he reasoned it all out and decidedit was a Bad Thing and simply Chopped it right off. They told him itwas wonderful how much Will Power he had and asked him if he everfelt the Old Craving coming back on him, and he said he could see itsplashing all around him and not have the faintest Desire to dip in. 

He was so stuck on himself that he went around to call on all hisFriends who kept it on the Table so that he could wave it to one sideand tell how he despised it. He sat there and pitied those who wereinhaling it. Every Morning when he arose he would throw kisses tohimself in the Glass and exclaim: "Aha! The Head as clear as a Bellthis A. M. I'll bet I'm the cleanest and nicest Young Fellow in thisTown. Any Girl that picks out a Sober and Steady Man such as I am willcertainly be showing good Judgment. "

As Narrated at the Beginning, for three weeks he worked hard at theJob of being an Abstainer. And at last he accumulated a Sense ofVirtue that weighed over 200 Pounds. He knew that he was entitled toa Reward, so he decided to buy himself a little Present. Just a weeReminder of by-gone Days and then back to Sarsaparilla. But he fellinto a Crowd. There was another State Convention. It had been arrangedfor him so that he could get a Fresh Start. 

 * * * * *

MORAL: Life is a Series of Relapses and Recoveries. 

 * * * * *

_THE KIND OF MUSIC THAT IS TOO GOOD FOR HOUSEHOLD USE_

One Evening a little Flock of Our Best People got together at the Homeof a Lady who invariably was first over the Fence in the Mad Pursuitof Culture. She loved to fill her Front Rooms with Folks who wore7¾ Hats and read Norwegian Novels that no one else ever heardanything about. 

On the Evening already mentioned she had a Cluster of Geniuses onhand. They were expected to Talk for a couple of Hours, so as towork up an Appetite for Neapolitan Ice-Cream and Lady-Fingers. Inthe course of time they got around to the Topic of Modern Music. Allagreed that the Music which seemed to catch on with the low-browedPublic was exceedingly punk. They rather fancied "Parsifal" and werewilling to concede that Vogner made good in Spots, but Mascagni theybranded as a Crab. As for Victor Herbert and J. P. Sousa--back to theWater-Tanks!

[Illustration: _They Love It. _]

A little later in the Game the Conversation began to Sag and it wassuggested that they have Something on the Piano. They gathered aroundthe Stack of Music and then Vogner went into the Discard and Puccinifell to the Floor unnoticed and the Classics did not get a Hand. Butthey gave a Yelp of Joy when they spotted a dear little Cantata abouta Coon who earned a Razor and had trouble with his Wife. They sangthe Chorus 38 times and the Young Lady wore out both Wrists doingRag-Time. 

 * * * * *

MORAL: It is proper to enjoy the Cheaper Grades of Art, but theyshould not be formally Indorsed. 

 * * * * *

_THE ONE OR TWO POINTS OF DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LEARNING AND LEARNINGHOW_

In a Red School-House back in the Web-Foot District, it was the Customto have a Debate every Friday Afternoon. The much-mooted Question asto which does the greater Damage, Fire or Water, had been carefullygone over by the Squabs. Also who was the heftier Proposition, Napoleon or Washington? But the original Stand-by was as follows:"Resolved, that Education is better than Wealth. "

The Corporate Interests got many a Whack here in the Knowledge Works. Most of the Children wanted to grow up and be like Galileo. Theyclaimed that mere Wealth could not purchase Happiness. The onlygenuine Peace of Mind came from being able to call off the GeologicalPeriods with the Eyes closed. 

[Illustration: _Otis and Bradford. _]

Here in this little Brain Hatchery were two Kids who were not Mates. One was named Otis and the other was Bradford, or Brad for Short. Otiswas the Boy who took the Affirmative side on Friday Afternoon. Otefirmly believed that Learning was the most valuable Asset that a Mancould tuck away. Brad was for the Money End of the Game, but whenhe got up to make his Talk his Vocabulary would become jammed up andcaught crossways in the Flue and teacher would motion him back to hisSeat. Otis, however, could tell in well-chosen Phrases why the Scholarwas a better and happier Man than the Millionaire and so he alwaysreceived the Vote of the Judges. 

Now, Brad was done up but unconvinced. He could not stand up beforethe District School and tell why it was good policy to corral theCoin, but he had a secret Hunch that it would be no Disgrace for himto go out and do the best he could. Brad had a bull-dog Jaw and largeblood-shot Hands and a Neck-Band somewhat larger than his Hat-Band. Hejumped the Stockade when they started to teach him Botany. He weighed180 and he thought he was too large to sit around and count the Petalsof the Ox-Eye Daisy when he might be out selling Lightning Rods to theYaps and making jug-handled Contracts. Accordingly he Dug. 

"Bradford is making a great Mistake, " said Otis, as he saw his Friendtear from the Institution of Learning. "In order to get a few worldlyChattels right at the jump, he sacrifices his Diploma. I shall be moreFoxy. I shall go right on through the High School and then I shallattend College and get a Degree. When I have taken my Degree thenI will be the human _It_. My scholarly Attainments and polishedManner will get me past the Door and into the Inner Circle of theHot Potatoes. As for Bradford, although it is possible that he shallhave combed up a little Currency he will be a mere ordinary, sordidBusiness Man--not one-two-seven when he tries to stack up against onewho has just been delivered of a Thesis on the Correlated Phenomena ofUnconscious Cerebration. "

While Brad was out in the back Townships short-changing the Farmersand buying 8 per cent. Mortgages, Otis was working his way throughCollege and living on Oatmeal except on Holidays and then Prunes. He was getting round-shouldered and wore Specs and was all gauntedup, but he never weakened. He was pulling for the Laurel Wreath ofScholarship, or in other words, the Degree. After humping it for 4years he passed his final Exam and the Faculty decided that he was aBachelor of Arts. 

That was the Day when he had the Laugh on Brad. 

In the meantime, Bradford had been choking various People and takingit away from them. He had four Salesmen under him and had butted intothe Firm, but he was still shy on Botany. 

Inasmuch as Otis had been one of the brightest Men in his Class he wasoffered a position as Instructor in the College at a Salary of $55a Month with a promise of $5 raise at the end of five Years, if helived. Otis accepted, because the Outside World did not seem to beclamoring for his Services, even though he was an Authority on theMezozoic Period and knew all the Diatomes by their First Names. 

[Illustration: _M. A. _]

Often while he was burning the Midnight Oil and grinding outJaw-Breakers, so as to qualify for the Master's Degree, he reflectedas follows: "It is true that Brad is making it Hand over Fist andwears $6 Shirts and rides in a State-Room on the Pullman, but he isnot a Bachelor of Arts. And some day when he is a Multi-MillionaireI can still look down on him, for then I shall be a Master of Arts. I have known since Childhood that Education is more desirable thanPaltry Gold. Although the Newspapers and the General Public do notseem to be with me to any Extent, it is better to hob-nob with theBinomial Theorem than to dally with the Champagne Supper. "

In due time the Faculty gave the Degree of M. A. To what was left ofOtis and still his Ambition was not satisfied. He wanted to land aDoctor's Degree. He knew that any one who aspired to this EminentHonor had to be a Pippin. But he hoped that he could make someContribution to the World of Thought that would jar the wholeEducational System and help him to climb to the topmost Pinnacle ofHuman Greatness. 

Professor Otis did the Dig Act year after year. At the age of 49he was still M. A. And owned a House with a Mortgage on it. In theMeantime there had been revolutionary Changes in the World of Finance. Everything on Earth had been put into a Pool. Each Smooth Citizen whohad something that was of no particular use to him went to work andCapitalized it. Brad closed out his Interests for so much Money thatany one else would have been ashamed to take it. Then he and someother Buccaneers went down to Wall Street to have fun with severaldignified Gentlemen whom Brad described as Them Fly Eastern Mugs. Theysucceeded in putting the Skids under a number of Persons who did notcare to meet them Socially. 

When Brad walked around in his Million Dollar Hut he had to step highto avoid stumbling over Bundles of the Long Green; but he never hadmade any further headway with his Botany. 

It happened one Day that Brad was out Moting and he dropped in at theCollege where his Boyhood Friend was now the Professor of Dipsicologyand Plamazzus. 

"This is a likely-looking Plant, " said Brad, as he sized up theCampus. "I like to encourage these Joints because they help to keepa lot of Young Fellows away from Business Offices. I find that I havehere in my Vest-Pocket a measly $50, 000 that I have overlooked inchanging my Clothes. Give it to the Main Cheese and tell him to have aLaboratory on me. "

When the News got out all the sis-boom-ah Boys gave a Parade in theirNighties. The Faculty called a Special Meeting and made Brad a Doctorof Philosophy. 

Next Year he put up for a Gym and they made him a Doctor of Divinity. 

The Year Following he handed them a Telescope and became an LL. D. 

[Illustration: _D. D. --LL. D. --Ph. D. _]

Every time he coughed he was made some new kind of Doctor. 

In fact, for a Man with a 6¼ Hat who did not know the differencebetween the Pistil and the Stamen he was the most learned Thing inSeven States. Professor Otis was crowded into the Ditch. Sometimes hewonders which of the two has the nub end of the Argument that startedin the Red School-House. 

 * * * * *

MORAL: The Longest Way Around is the Shortest Way to the UniversityDegree. 

 * * * * *

_THE NIGHT-WATCH AND THE WOULD-BE SOMETHING AWFUL_

Once there was a full-sized Girl named Florine whose Folks kept closeTab on her. Any night-blooming Harold who presumed to keep the Parloropen after Midnight heard low Voices in the Hallway and then a Rapon the Door. If Florine put on her Other Dress and went to a Hop thenMother would sit up and wait for her, and 1 o'clock was the OutsideLimit. Consequently Florine would have to duck on the Festivities justwhen everything was getting Good. Furthermore she would have to warnMr. Escort to behave himself when they drew near the House. 

"Nothing doing at the Gate, " she would say, warningly. "It's Dollarsto Dumplings that the Girl Detective is peeking out to get a line onmy Conduct. She has her Ear to the Ground about four-thirds of theTime and if any one makes a Move, then Mother is Next. If Father takesa Drink at the Club and then starts Homeward on a fast Trolley, Motherknows all about it when he is still three Blocks from the House. What's more, she is a knowing Bird and can't be fooled by Cloves orthese little Peppermint Choo-Choos. The only time when Mother kissesFather is when she wants to catch him with the Goods. Look Out! Thisis our Corner. "

As soon as they had landed at the Gate, little Florine would say inloud, clear Tones that would carry as far as the Sitting-Room Window, "Oh, Mr. Gilblitz, I have had a most charming Evening, and I wish tothank you most heartily. "

Whereupon the Escort, standing 8 Feet away, with his Concertina Hatin his Hand and the Face in the Moonlight beaming with child-likeInnocence, would come back thusly: "It's awfully good of you to saythat. Good Night. "

[Illustration: _Florine. _]

After which, Mother was supposed to believe that they had been 8 feetapart all Evening. But Mother was Canny and up to Snuff, with a Memorythat reached back at least 25 Years. These little One-Act Plays underthe Window did not throw her off for any part of a Minute. BeforeFlorine turned in she was Cross-Examined and required to tellwith whom she had danced, and why and how often and what he said. Occasionally the Daughter worked the Mental Reservation. In otherWords, she held out on Mother. She said that she had sat out most ofthe Numbers, but she admitted going through a Square Dance with theYoung Man who passed the Plate at the Episcopal Church. 

At which Mother would wink the Off Eye and murmur, "Is that so?" withthe Loud Pedal on the "That. " Also something about being more thanSeven. 

One of Florine's Ancestors on Mother's Side happened to be on Earth atthe time of the Revolution, and Father often spoke of a Second Cousinwho had been in Congress until the District tumbled to him. Because ofthis Current of Blue Blood racing in her Veins, Florine was supposedto be a trifle Classy and Mother was always afraid that she might getThumb-Marks on the Family Escutcheon. Therefore Florine was forbiddento work up a Calling Acquaintance with any of the Hoi Polloi, which isGreek for Selling-Platers. According to Mother, there were only about8 Families in Town that really belonged and some of them didn't Belongenough to hurt. Florine found herself cut out of many a Good Timebecause the Chaperon for the Occasion chanced to be related to someone who had been in the Liquor Business. 

Florine was up against it ever so Hard. She had to go out in the GrapeArbor when she wanted to chew Gum, and she kept her Reading Matterunder the Mattress. Nearly every high-speed Bachelor in Town had beenforbidden the Premises because of the Stories that were going around. The kind that Mother approved were of the Lilac Division with WhitePuff Ties and their Hair glued down. They talked about Choir Practiceand sometimes, when they were sufficiently wrought up, they playedCharades. 

The only Chance that Florine had to mingle with the Popular Boys wasto go down Town in the Afternoon and just happen to meet one of themat the Ice-Cream Parlor. Florine learned to be quite a Happener. Buton the way home she would have to fix up a few Jules Vernes for theOld Lady in the Watch Tower. Mother knew that it didn't take 4 Hoursto be measured for a Shirt Waist. 

"Wait until I get Married, " Florine would say. "I'll make that 20-hourFlyer look like a Steam-Roller. If Mother doesn't let up on me, I'lllearn to smoke Cigarettes. "

At times she was so Desperate that she was ready to join a Troupe orelope with a Drummer. She wanted to get out among the Bright Lightsand hear the Band play. And she knew that she couldn't turn Flip-Flopsand break Furniture and play Rag-Time along after Midnight untilshe had become a Respectable. Married Woman. So she had her DistressSignal out and used to drop very Broad Hints, when she was chattingwith the Lads who happened to be in the Soda-Water Resort when shedropped in. They liked Florine for Keeps, but when one of them thoughtof clinching with old Eagle-Eye, the Family Sleuth, he weakened. 

[Illustration: _The Night-Watch. _]

Florine would have remained a Dead Card if she had not gone on a Visitto a neighboring City where she bumped into the Town Trifler. He hada Way of proposing to every Girl the first time he met her. It alwaysseemed to him such a cordial Send-Off for a budding Friendship. Usually the Girl asked for Time and then the two of them would Fiddlearound and Fuss and Make Up and finally send back all the Lettersand that would be the Finish. Florine fooled the foxy Philander. TheMoment he came at her with the Marriage Talk she took a firm Hold andsaid, "You're on! Get your License to-morrow morning. Then cut all theTelegraph Wires and burn the Railroad Bridges. "

They were Married, and, strange as it may appear, Mother immediatelyresigned her Job as Policeman and said: "Thank goodness, I've got youMarried Off! Now you can do as you please. "

When Florine found that she could do as she pleased she discoveredthat there wasn't very much of anything to do except Settle Down. After about seven Chafing-Dish Parties she expended her whole Stock ofpent-up Ginger and now she is just as Quiet as the rest of us. 

 * * * * *

MORAL: Any System is O. K. If it finally Works Out. 

 * * * * *

_THE ATTENUATED ATTORNEY WHO RANG IN THE ASSOCIATE COUNSEL_

Once there was a sawed-off Attorney who had studied until he wasBleary around the Eyes and as lean as a Razor-Back. He knew the Lawfrom Soup to Nuts, but much learning had put him a little bit to theWillies. And his Size was against him. He lacked Bellows. 

He was an inconspicuous little Runt. When he stood up to Plead, hecame a trifle higher than the Chair. Of the 90 pounds he carried, about 45 were Gray Matter. He had Mental Merchandise to burn but noway of delivering it. 

When there was a Rally or some other Gabfest on the Bills, theCommittee never asked him to make an Address. The Committee wanted aWind-Jammer who could move the Leaves on a Tree 200 feet distant. Thedried-up Lawyer could write Great Stuff that would charm a Bird outof a Tree, but he did not have the Tubes to enable him to Spout. Whenhe got up to Talk, it was all he could do to hear himself. The Juriesused to go to sleep on him. He needed a Megaphone. And he had about asmuch Personal Magnetism as an Undertaker's Assistant. 

The Runt lost many a Case because he could not Bark at the Juryand pound Holes in a Table. His Briefs had been greatly admiredby the Supreme Court. Also it was known that he could draw up acopper-riveted Contract that would hold Water, but as a Pleader hewas a Pickerel. 

At one time he had an Important Suit on hand, and he was Worried, forhe was opposed by a couple of living Gas Engines who could rare up anddown in front of a yap Jury for further Orders. 

"I have the Law on my Side, " said the Runt. "Now if I were onlySix-Feet-Two with a sole-leather Thorax, I could swing the Verdict. "

While he was repining, in came a Friend of his Youth, named Jim. 

This Jim was a Book-Agent. He was as big as the Side of a House. Hehad a Voice that sounded as if it came up an Elevator Shaft. When hefolded his Arms and looked Solemn, he was a colossal Picture of Powerin Repose. He wore a Plug Hat and a large Black Coat. Nature intendedhim for the U. S. Senate, but used up all the Material early in the Joband failed to stock the Brain Cavity. 

Jim had always been at the Foot of the Class in School. At the ageof 40 he spelled Sure with an Sh and sank in a Heap when he tried toadd 8 and 7. But he was a tall Success as a Book Pedler, because helearned his Piece and the 218 pounds of Dignified Superiority did theRest. 

Wherever he went, he commanded Respect. He could go into a strangeHotel and sit down at the Breakfast Table and say: "Please pass theSyrup" in a Tone that had all the majestic Significance of an OfficialUtterance. He would sit there in silent Meditation. Those who sized upthat elephantine Form and noted the Gravity of his Countenance and thefluted Wrinkles on his high Brow, imagined that he was pondering onthe Immortality of the Soul. As a matter of fact, Jim was wonderingwhether he would take Ham or Bacon with his Eggs. 

Jim had the Bulk and the awe-inspiring Front. As long as he held to aNapoleonic Silence he could carry out the Bluff. Little Boys tip-toedwhen they came near him, and Maiden Ladies sighed for an introduction. Nothing but a Post-Mortem Examination would have shown Jim up in hisTrue Light. The midget Lawyer looked up in Envy at his mastodonicAcquaintance and sighed. 

"If I could combine my Intellect with your Horse-Power, I would be thelargest Dandelion in the Legal Pasture, " he said. 

Then a Happy Idea struck him amidships. 

"Jim, I want you to be my Associate Counsel, " he said. "I understand, of course, that you do not know the difference between a Caveat and aCaviar Sandwich, but as long as you keep your Hair combed the way itis now and wear that Thoughtful Expression, you're just as good asthe whole Choate Family. I will introduce you as an Eminent Attorneyfrom the East. I will guard the Law Points and you will sit there andDismay the Opposition by looking Wise. "

So when the Case came up for Trial, the Runt led the august Jim intothe Court Room and introduced him as Associate Counsel. A Murmurof Admiration ran throughout the Assemblage when Jim showed hisCommanding Figure, a Law Book under his Arm and a look of HeavyResponsibility on his Face. Old Atlas, who carries the Globe onhis Shoulders, did not seem to be in it with this grand and gloomyStranger. 

For two hours Jim had been rehearsing his Speech. He arose. 

"Your Honor, " he began. 

At the Sound of that Voice, a scared Silence fell upon the Court Room. It was like the Lower Octave of a Pipe Organ. 

"Your Honor, " said Jim, "we are ready for Trial. "

The musical Rumble filled the Spacious Room and went echoing throughthe Corridors. The Sound beat out through the Open Windows and checkedTraffic in the Street. It sang through the Telegraph Wires and liftedevery drooping Flag. 

[Illustration: _Learned Colleague. _]

The Jurors turned Pale and began to quiver. Opposing Counsel were aswhite as a Sheet. Their mute and frightened Faces seemed to ask, "Whatare we up against?"

Jim sat down and the Trial got under way. 

Whenever Jim got his Cue he arose and said, "Your Honor and Gentlemenof the Jury, I quite agree with my learned Colleague. "

Then he would relapse and throw on a Socrates Frown and the OtherSide would go all to Pieces. Every time Jim cleared his Throat, youcould hear a Pin drop. There was no getting away from the dominatingInfluence of the Master Mind. 

The Jury was out only 10 Minutes. When the Verdict was rendered, the Runt, who had provided everything except the Air Pressure, wasnearly trampled under foot in the general Rush to Congratulate thedistinguished Attorney from the East. The Little Man gathered up hisBooks and did the customary Slink, while the False Alarm stood inawful Silence and permitted the Judge and others to shake him by theHand. 

 * * * * *

MORAL: An Associate Counsel should weigh at least 200 Pounds. 

 * * * * *

_WHAT FATHER BUMPED INTO AT THE CULTURE FACTORY_

A Domestic Team had a Boy named Buchanan who refused to Work, so hisParents decided that he needed a College Education. After he gotthat, he could enter a Learned Profession, in which Work is a mereSide-Issue. 

The Father and Mother of Buchanan sent to the College for a BunkCatalogue. The Come-On Book had a Green Cover and it was full ofInformation. It said that the Necessary Expenses counted up about $180a year. All Students were under helpful and moral Influences fromthe Moment they arrived. They were expected to hit the Mattress at 10P. M. , while Smoking was forbidden and no one could go to Town excepton a Special Permit. 

"This is just the Place for Buchanan, " said his Mother. "It will besuch a Comfort to know that Son is in his Room every Evening. "

Accordingly Buchanan was supplied with six Shirts, two Suits ofeverything, a Laundry-Bag, a Pin-Cushion, a Ready-Repair Kit and aFlesh Brush, and away he rode to the Halls of Learning. He wrote backthat he was Home-Sick but determined to stick out because he realizedthe Advantages of a College Education. He said his Eyes hurt him alittle from Reading at Night and he had to buy a great many ExtraBooks, but otherwise he was fine and fancy. Love to all and start alittle Currency by the first Mail. 

After Buchanan had been toiling up the Hill of Knowledge for nearlytwo Months, and sending hot Bulletins back to the Old Folks, hisFather decided to visit him and give him some Encouragement. 

"The Poor Boy must be lonesome down there among all those Strangers, "said Father. "I'll drop in on him and brighten him up. "

So Father landed in the College Town and inquired for Buchanan, but noone had heard of such a Person. 

"Perhaps you mean 'Old Buck, '" said a Pale Youth, with an ingrowingHat. "If he's the Indian you want to see, I'll show you where he hangsout. "

The Proud Parent was steered to a faded Boarding House and foundhimself in a Chamber of Horrors that seemed to be a Cross between aJunk-Shop and a Turkish Corner. Here he found the College Desperadoknown as "Old Buck, " attired in a Bath-Robe, plunking a stingy littleMandolin and smoking a Cigarette that smelled as if somebody had beenstanding too close to the Stove. 

"Hello, Guv, " said the Seeker after Truth. "Wait until I do a QuickChange and we'll go out and get a few lines of Breakfast. "

"Breakfast at 2 P. M. ?" inquired Father. 

"We had a very busy Night, " explained Buchanan. "The Sophomores havedisputed our Right to wear Red Neckties, so last night we capturedthe President of the Soph Class, tied him to a Tree and beat him toa Whisper with a Ball Bat. Then we started over to set fire to theMain Building and we were attacked by a Gang of Sophs. That is how Ihappened to get this Bum Lamp. Just as he gave me the knee, I buttedhim in the Solar Plexus. He's had two Doctors working on him eversince. And now the Freshies are going to give me a Supper at the DutchRestaurant to-morrow Night and there is some Talk of electing me ClassPoet. So you see, I am getting along fine. "

[Illustration: _Souvenirs. _]

"You are doing Great Work for a Mere Child, " said the Parent. "If youkeep on, you may be U. S. Senator some day. But tell me, where did youget all of these Sign-Boards, Placards, Head-stones and other Articlesof Vertu?"

"I swiped those, " replied the Collegian. "In order to be a realVarsity Devil, one must bring home a few Souvenirs every Night he goesout. If the Missionaries did it, it would be called Looting. If theCommon People did it, it would be called Petit Larceny. But with us, it is merely a Student Prank. "

"I understand, " said Father. "Nothing can be more playful than to naila Tombstone and use it for a Paper-Weight. "

"Would you like to look around the Institution?" asked Buchanan. 

"Indeed, I should, " was the Reply. "Although I have been deniedthe blessed Privileges of Higher Education, I love to get into anAtmosphere of four-ply Intellectuality and meet those Souls who areabove the sordid Considerations of workaday Commercialism. "

"You talk like a Bucket of Ashes, " said the Undergraduate. "I'm notgoing to put you up against any Profs. Follow me and I'll fix itso that you can shake Hands with the Guy that eats 'em alive. I'lltake you over to the Corral and show you the Wild-Cats. They've beendrinking Blood all Morning and are feeling good and Cagey. About3 o'clock we turn them out into the Arena and let them plow up theTurf. "

"Is this a College or a Zoo?" asked the Parent. 

"I refer to the Squad, " said Buchanan. "We keep about 40 at theTraining Table all of the time, so that no matter how many are killedoff, we will always have 11 left. We have a Centre Rush who weighs238, and you wouldn't dent him with a Hatchet. We caught him in theWoods north of Town and brought him down here. He is taking a SpecialCourse in Piano Music two hours a Week and the rest of the Time he isthrowing Substitutes down and biting them on the Arm. "

Buchanan and his trembling Parent sat at the edge of the Gridiron andwatched the Carnage for a while. Buchanan explained that it was merelyFriendly Practice. 

That Evening the Son said: "Father, you can stay only a Little Whileand I want to give you a Good Time while you are here. Come with us. We are going down to the Opera House to put a Show on the Bum. Oneof the first things we learn at College is to kid the Troupers. It isconsidered Great Sport in these Parts. Then, if any one gets Pinched, we tear down the Jail, thereby preserving the Traditions of dear oldAlma Mater. "

"Does the Faculty permit you to be guilty of Disorderly Conduct?"asked the Parent. 

[Illustration: _Friendly Practice. _]

"Any one who goes against the Faculty single-handed is a Fink, "replied Buchanan. "We travel 800 in a Bunch, so that when the Inquestis held, there is no way of finding out just who it was that landedthe Punch. Anything that happens in a College Town is an Act ofProvidence. Now come along and see the American Youth at Play. "

They found their way to the Temple of Art. When the Chemical Soubrettestarted in to sing "Hello, Central, give me Heaven, " they gave herjust the Opposite of what she was demanding. A few Opera Chairs werepulled up by the Roots and tossed on the Stage, merely to disconcertthe Artiste. When the House Policeman came he was hurled 30 Feetinto the Air and soon after that the Show broke up. The Student Bodyflocked out and upset a Trolley Car, and then they went homeward inthe Moonlight singing, "Sweet Memories of College Days, La-la! La-la!"

Father's Hat was caved in and he was a trifle Bewildered, but hemanaged to observe that the Boys were a trifle Boisterous when theygot a Fair Start. 

"Oh, yes; but they don't Mean anything by it, " explained Buchanan. 

[Illustration: _Preserving the Traditions. _]

"I hope they will explain that to the House Policeman as soon asthey get him to the Hospital, " said the Parent. "Otherwise, he mightmisconstrue their Motives. "

Next Day, when he went back, he told Mother not to worry aboutBuchanan, as he seemed to have a full and sympathetic Grasp on thetrue Inwardness of Modern Educational Methods. 

 * * * * *

MORAL: Attend to the Remittances and Son will do the Rest. 

 * * * * *

_THE SEARCH FOR THE RIGHT HOUSE AND HOW MRS. JUMP HAD HER ANNUALATTACK_

Once there was a Family called Jump that had sampled every Wardwithin the Corporation Limits. 

The Jumps did a Caravan Specialty every time the Frost went out ofthe Ground. 

When the Sarsaparilla Ads began to blossom, and the Peach Crop hadbeen ruined by the late Cold Snap and the Kids were batting up Fliesin the Lot back of the Universalist Church, and a Barrel-Organ downStreet was tearing the Soul out of "Trovatore"--these were the Cuesfor Mrs. Jump to get her Nose into the Air and begin to champ at theBit. 

Mother was a House-Hunter from away back. She claimed to be an Invalideleven months out of the Year and took Nerve Medicine that cost $2. 00a Bottle. Just the same when April hove into view and Dame Naturebegan to stretch herself, then Mother put on her Short Skirt and apair of Shoes intended for a Man and did a tall Prance. 

She was good for 12 hours a Day on any kind of Pavements. With herReticule loaded full of "To Let" Clippings, she hot-footed from Streetto Street. Every time she struck a Fresh Trail she broke into a Run. 

Mother was looking for a House that had twice as many Closets as Roomsand a Southern Exposure on all four sides. 

She had conned herself into the Belief that some day she would rundown a Queen Anne Shack that would be O. K. In all Particulars. 

In the Magazine that came every Month she had seen theseDream-Pictures of Palaces that can be put up for $1, 500. 00, if yousteal your Materials. 

She had gazed at the Bunco Illustration of the swell Structure withbushy Trees dotting the Lawn and a little Girl rolling a Hoop alongthe Cement Side-Walk and she had set her Heart on that kind of a Home. 

Mother loved to study the Plans and count the Bath-rooms and figure onWindow Seats and what kind of Curtains to put in the Guest Chamber. 

[Illustration: _May 1st. _]

Every Spring she found the Place she had been seeking and gave a GrandSignal for the whole Outfit to begin packing up. Those were the brightvernal Days when Mr. Jump got all that was coming to him. Mr. Jumpwas a Man, therefore any old kind of a Hut suited him. For eight yearsbefore starting on his continuous Tour with Mother, he had roomed overa Drug Store. 

His Apartment had been one of those delectable Man-Joints where Womennever butted in to hide things and give the whole Place a Soapy Smell. 

The Sweepings went under the Bed, so as not to litter up the Hallway. 

Once a Year he had a House-Cleaning. That is to say, he employed aColored Man to beat the Rugs, which had to be separated from the Floorby means of a Shovel. 

Inasmuch as Women never came in to straighten up, he knew where tofind everything. He knew it was somewhere in the Room and all he hadto do was to excavate until he found it. 

Then he hooked up with Laura so as to get a real Home and she gave hima new one every Year. 

Mr. Jump soon discovered that, although every Man is the Architect ofhis own Fortune, the Wife usually superintends the Construction. 

When Mrs. Jump made her Spring Announcement that they would move toanother House, he did a deal of Kicking, but he always went into theWood Shed to do it. He sassed her inwardly, but not so that she couldhear. 

She was a Wonder at framing up Reasons for hurling the Lease back atthe Landlord. 

One Year she quit because the Owner papered the Upstairs with a JayPattern that cost only 15 cents a Bolt. Another time the Family nextdoor kept Chickens. Usually the Children across the Alley were not fitAssociates for their own little Brood. 

One Time she quit on account of a Cockroach. She saw it scoot acrossthe Pantry and that afternoon she headed for a Renting Agency. 

Father suggested that instead of vacating in favor of the Cockroach, they offer a reward of $100 for its Capture, dead or alive, andthereby save a little Money, but she refused to listen. 

If the Plumbing wasn't out of Whack, the Furnace required too muchCoal or else the Woman across the Street had been divorced too manytimes. 

If they squatted in a low-down Neighborhood, Mrs. Jump was ashamed togive her Address to Friends in the Congregation. 

If they got into a Nest of the New Rich, then Laura had the freeze-outworked on her, because Mr. Jump was on a Salary and she had to rideon the Trolleys. So she began looking for a Street in which Intellectwould successfully stack up against the good, old Collateral. And, ofcourse, that meant a long Search. 

Therefore, every May 1st, something Red and about the size of aCaboose backed up to the Jumps'. Several husky Boys began throwingThings out of the Windows. 

Father did a Vanishing Act. When it came to lifting one corner of aPiano or hanging Pictures he was a sad Bluff and he knew it. 

"How about Paradise?" he asked one day. "I understand that insideof the Pearly Gates, each Family has Permanent Quarters. There areno Folding Beds to juggle down Back Stairways, no Picture Cords toShorten, no Curtain Poles to saw off, no Book Cases to get jammed inStairways. I am sure there will be no Piano Movers, for I have heardtheir Language. Do you think you can be happy in the Promised Land?"

"It will depend entirely on whether or not the Rugs fit, " she replied. 

"Let us hope for the Best, " said Mr. Jump. 

 * * * * *

MORAL: The Queen of the May is usually a Woman. 

 * * * * *

_THE BATCH OF LETTERS, OR ONE DAY WITH A BUSY MAN_

One Morning an energetic little Man who had about a Ton of Work piledup on his Desk came down Town with a Hop, Skip and Jump determined toclean up the whole Lay-Out before Nightfall. 

He had taken eight hours of Slumber and a cold Dip in the Porcelain. After Breakfast he came out into the Spring Sunshine feeling as fit asa Fiddle and as snippy as a young Colt. 

"Me to the Office to get that Stack of Letters off my Mind, " said theHopeful Citizen. 

When he dashed into the Office he carried 220 pounds of Steam and waskeen for the Attack. 

A tall Man with tan Whiskers arose from behind the roll-top Desk andgreeted him. 

"How are you feeling this Morning?" asked the Stranger. 

"Swell and Sassy, " was the Reply. 

"And yet, to-morrow you may join the Appendicitis Colony and day afterto-morrow you may lie in the darkened Front Room with Floral Offeringson all sides, " said the Stranger. "What you want is one of ournon-reversible, twenty-year, pneumatic Policies with the Reserve FundClause. Kindly glance at this Chart. Suppose you take the reactionableEndowment with the special Proviso permitting the accumulation of bothPremium and Interest. On a $10, 000 Policy for 20 Years you make $8, 800clear, whether you live or die, while the Company loses $3, 867. 44 asyou can see for yourself. "

"This is my--" began the Man. 

"Or, you may prefer the automatic tontine Policy with ball-bearings, "continued the Death Angel. "In this case, the entire Residue goes intothe Sinking Fund and draws Compound Interest. This is made possibleunder our new System of reducing Operating Expenses to a Minimum andputting the Executive Department into the Hands of well-known NewYork Financiers who do not seek Pecuniary Reward but are actuated bya Philanthropic Desire to do good to all Persons living west of theAlleghenies. "

"That will be about all from you, " said the Man. "Mosey! Duck! Up anAlley!"

"Then you don't care what becomes of your Family?" asked the Stranger, in a horrified Tone. 

"My Relatives are collecting all of their Money in Advance, " said theMan. "If they are not worrying over the Future, I don't see why youshould lose any Sleep. "

So the Solicitor went out and told every one along the Street that theMan lacked Foresight. 

At 9. 30 o'clock the industrious little Man picked up letter number 1and said to the Blonde Stenographer, "Dear Sir. "

At that moment the Head of the Credit Department hit him on the Backand said he had a Good One. It was all about little Frankie, the OnlyChild, the Phenom, the 40-pound Prodigy. 

[Illustration: _The New House. _]

In every large Establishment there is a gurgling Parent who comesdown in the Morning with a Story concerning the incipient Depew outat their House. It seems that little Frankie has been told somethingat Sunday School and he asked his Mother about it and she told himso-and-so, whereupon the Infant Joker arose to the Emergency and said:and then you get it, and any one who doesn't laugh is lacking in aFiner Appreciation of Child Nature. The Busy Man listened to Frankie'sLatest and asked, "What's the Rest of it?"

So the Parent remarked to several People that day that the Man wassinking into a crabbed Old Age. 

At 10 A. M. The Man repeated "Dear Sir" and a Voice came to him, remarking on the Beauty of the Weather. A Person who might have beenProfessor of Bee-Culture in the Pike County Agricultural Seminary, sofar as make-up was concerned, took the Man by the Hand and informedhim that he (the Man) was a Prominent Citizen and that being the casehe would be given a Reduction on the Half-Morocco Edition. While doinghis 150 Words a Minute, he worked a Kellar Trick and produced a largeProspectus from under his Coat. Before the Busy Man could grab aSpindle and defend himself, he was looking at a half-tone Photo ofAristotle and listening to all the different Reasons why the Workshould be in every Gentleman's Library. Then the Agent whispered theInside Price to him so that the Stenographer would not hear and beganto fill out a Blank. The Man summoned all his Strength and made aBuck. 

"I don't read Books, " he said. "I am an Intellectual Nit. Clear Out!"

So the Agent gave him a couple of pitying Looks and departed, meetingin the Doorway a pop-eyed Person with his Hat on the Back of his Headand a Roll of Blue Prints under his Arm. The Man looked up and moaned. He recognized his Visitor as a most dangerous Monomaniac--the one whois building a House and wants to show the Plans. 

"I've got everything figured out, " he began, "except that we can't getfrom the Dining Room to the Library without going through the Laundryand there's no Flue connecting with the Kitchen. What do you think I'dbetter do?"

"I think you ought to live at a Hotel, " was the reply. 

The Monomaniac went home and told his Wife that he had been insulted. 

At 11. 30 came a Committee of Ladies soliciting Funds for the Home forthe Friendless. 

"Those who are Friendless don't know their own Luck, " said the BusyMan, whereupon the Ladies went outside and agreed that he was a Brute. 

At Noon he went out and lunched on Bromo Seltzer. 

When he rushed back to tackle his Correspondence, he was met by alarge Body of Walking Delegates who told him that he had employed anon-union Man to paint his Barn and that he was a Candidate for theBoycott. He put in an Hour squaring himself and then he turned to theStenographer. 

"How far have we got?" he asked. 

"'Dear Sir, '" was the Reply. 

[Illustration: _The Committee. _]

Just then he got the Last Straw--a bewildered Rufus with a Letter ofIntroduction. That took 40 Minutes. When Rufe walked out, the Busy Manfell with his Face among the unanswered Letters. 

"Call a Cab, " he said. 

"The 'Phone is out of order, " was the Reply. 

"Ring for a Messenger, " he said. 

She pulled the Buzzer and in 20 minutes there slowly entered a boyfrom the Telegraph Office. 

The Man let out a low Howl like that of a Prairie Wolf and ran fromthe Office. When he arrived at Home he threw his Hat at the Rack andthen made the Children back into the Corner and keep quiet. His Wifetold around that Henry was Working too hard. 

 * * * * *

MORAL: Work is a Snap, but the Intermissions do up the Nervous System. 

 * * * * *

_THE SICKLY DREAM AND HOW IT WAS DOCTORED UP_

One Day a pure white Soul that made Sonnets by hand was sitting inhis Apartment embroidering a Canto. He had all the Curtains drawn andwas sitting beside a Shaded Candle waiting for the Muse to keep herAppointment. He wore an Azure Dressing-Gown. Occasionally he wept, drying his Eyes on a Salmon Pink Handkerchief bordered with yellowMorning Glories. Any one could tell by looking at him that he was adelicate Organism and had been raised a Pet. 

Presently he put his left Hand to his Brow and began to indite with apearl-handled Pen on Red Paper. Then there was a Ring at the Bell. 

"Oh, Fudge!" said the Author. "That distressing Sound! And just whenI was beginning to generate Ethereal Vapor. Hereafter I shall orderthe vulgar Tradespeople to deliver all Marshmallows at the Servants'Entrance. "

He began to write again, reviving himself at the end of each Word, by means of Smelling Salts. He did not see the Artist standing in theDoorway. 

The Artist was a muscular Person with an Ashen Complexion and a Suitthat was not large enough to show the entire Pattern. He carried aBludgeon with a Horse's Head on it. In order to attract the Attentionof Mr. Swinburne, he whistled through his Teeth, whereupon theAuthor jumped over the Table and fell among the Rugs, faintly calling"Mother! Mother!"

"Cut it out!" exclaimed the Artist. "What's matter? Huh?"

"Oh, how you startled me, " said the Author sitting up among the Rugs. "Just as you came in I was writing about the Fays and the Elfins. Iwas in the deep Greenwood, the velvet Sward kissing my wan Cheek andthe Leaves whispering overhead. "

[Illustration: _The Author. _]

"I see, " said the Artist. "A Dark Change from an Interior to a WoodSet. That's all right if you can do it quick. Who did you say you wasdoing it for--the Fays?"

"I mentioned the Fays and Elfins, " replied the Author. 

"I've heard of the Fays, " said the Artist. "They're out on the OrpheumCircuit now. But the Elfins--no. What kind of a Turn do they do?"

"Ah, the Elfins!" said the Author. "They dance in the Moonlight andskip from Tree to Tree. 

"Acrobatic Stuff with Light Effects, eh? Well, you're on a couple ofMackerels. I never see any Benders that could get away with a TalkingAct. You want to give your Piece to somebody that can Boost you. Youwrite a good gingery Skit for me and Miss Fromage and we'll put yourName on a Three-Sheet in Letters big enough to scare a Horse. "

"I gather from the somewhat technical Character of your Conversation, my dear sir, that you are associated with the Drama, " said the Author. 

"Is it a Kid?" asked the Artist. "Wuzn't you ever in Front? Don't youlook at the Pictures in the Windows? I'm Rank, of Rank and Fromage. Miss Fromage is the other half this Season, and if you seen her aBlock off you'd say, 'Is it or ain't it Lillian Russell?' We've justclosed with McGoohan's Boisterous Burlesquers. We was so strong thatwe killed the rest of the Bill, so we got the Blue Envelope. Nowthey're using all our Business, including the Gag about the CustardPie. "

"To what am I indebted for the Honor of this Visit?" asked the Author. 

"I heard that you was a Litry Mug and I'm around here to see you abouta Sketch for me and Miss Fromage. The one I've got now is all right, but in it I've got to eat 8 hard-boiled Eggs, and with 4 shows a Daythat's askin' too much of any Artist. This Sketch was wrote for us bythe Man that handles the Transfer Baggage at Bucyrus. He fixed it upwhile we was waitin' for a Train. I've been using it since 1882 andit goes just as strong as ever, but I like to get new Stuff once ina while. So I want you to fake up something that'll kill 'em rightin their Seats. Here's the Scenario: My Wife's a Society Girl and I'msupposed to be a Dead Swell that's come to take her to a Masquerade. With that to work on, all you need to do is to fill in the Talk. "

"I have recently prepared a One-Act Play, but I am not sure that itwill meet your Requirements, " said the Author. "It is called 'TheLanguage of Flowers. ' There are three Characters in the Play--a youngShepherd named Ethelbert, the Lady Gwendolin and a Waiting Maid. "

"We couldn't carry three People, " said the Artist. "You'd better usea Dummy instead of the Hired Girl. I do an awful funny Wrassle with aDummy. Go ahead and slip me the Plot. "

"It is an idyllic Thing, " said the Author. "Ethelbert is in love withGwendolin, but he is not certain that his Love is reciprocated. Sohe sends her the Flowers. The waiting-maid brings them into the Bowerwhere Lady Gwendolin is seated and with them a Scroll of Verses fromEthelbert. The Lady Gwendolin unrolls the Scroll and reads:

 "'Traced in the Veins of the Petals Are the Lines I fain would speak And breathing low in the perfumed Leaves Is the Name--'"

"Hold on, " said the Artist. "That's a Cinch. Have a Stage-Hand come onwith the Flowers. Lottie says, 'I know who sent these, ' and so on andso on, and his Nobs gets off. Then her alone with the big arm-loadof Hollyhawks, that I'm supposed to be sendin' her--savvy? She says, 'Well, there's no three ways about it, I've got this Gazabo dead toRights. ' She goes on to talk about Me, leading up to her song, 'JohnL. Will be our Champion once again. ' Bing! The Door-Bell rings. Then, me on quick, see? I've thought out a Make-Up that's sure to get aHoller the Minute I come on. I wear a pair of Pants made out of TinFoil, a Fur Coat with Lace around the Bottom and on my Head I weara Coal-scuttle with some Sleigh-Bells fastened to it. As I come downStage I make some crack about just escapin' from a Business College. When I see the Doll, I go over and slap her on the Back, pull out aSprinklin' Can and water the Flowers. You'll have to fix me up a Lineto introduce the Sprinkler. As soon as she sees me, she gets stuck, so she hands me one of the Flowers. I say, 'Ah, a night-bloomingPazizum'--then I take a Salt-Cellar out of my Vest and shake some Salton the Flower and eat it. I done that with a Piece called 'A BoiledDinner, ' and it always went big. When she sees me eat the Flower, thatmakes her sore, understand? She comes at me with a right-hand Pass. Ifall over a Chair and do a Head Spin. You fix up a strong Line for mejust as I go over the Chair. Then--What's the matter, Cull? Here, Bud, open your Eyes!"

The Author had fallen in a Heap on the Antique Writing Desk. "HullyChee!" exclaimed the Artist. "He's Croaked. "

 * * * * *

MORAL: A Classic is never Safe Except in the Church Parlor. 

 * * * * *

_THE TWO OLD PALS AND THE CALL FOR HELP_

Once there was a Married Man who had two Friends whom he had not givenup, even to oblige the Missus. They were two Men whom he had knownsince Boyhood's Happy Days away back in Sleepy Hollow. Once in a whilethe Man would have the Two around to the House for Dinner. 

Of these two Friends, one was a Gusher and the other a Grouch. 

The Gusher was eternally bubbling over with Compliments and KindWishes. Whenever he met an Acquaintance he handed him a rhetoricalYard of Daisies and then smeared him with Sweet Endearments. His talknever had any specific Purport. It was unadulterated Con. The Gushershould have been in the Diplomatic Service. One of his hot Specialtieswas to get up at Dinner Parties and propose Toasts. He would hot-airthe Ladies until they flushed Crimson from the Joy of being hot-aired. Even if the Speech was known to be cut-and-dried Blarney, it neverfailed to swell the Adorable Creatures, as he called them. 

[Illustration: _The Gusher. _]

He had a pump-handle Shake for every Man he met, and after the secondDay he called him Old Fellow and inquired as to his Health in a Toneof trembling Solicitude and picked little pieces of Lint off his Coat. 

"I know it's Guff, " the Man would say after the Gusher had passed on, "but my Stars! He can ladle out that Soothing Syrup and never spill aDrop. "

The Grouch, on the other Hand, gave a correct Imitation of a Bear witha Sore Toe. His Conversation was largely made up of Grunts. He carrieda Facial Expression that frightened little Children in Street Carsand took all the Starch out of sentimental Young Ladies. He seemedperpetually to carry the Hoof-Marks of a horrible Nightmare. Somesaid that he had been Blighted in Love and had soured on the Universe. Others imagined that his Liver was out of Whack. At any rate, he wasshy on Sweetness and Light. His Dial suggested a Map of the Bad Landsand he was just out of Kind Words. He could Knock better than he couldBoost. 

When the Gusher would arise at the Dinner Table to blow Bubbles anddistribute Candy, the Grouch would slide down in his Chair until hewas resting on his Shoulder Blades. He seemed to have a Calomel Tastein his Mouth as he listened to the musical drip of the Mush-and-Milk. That kind of Language went with some People, but nix for Sweeney!

The Wife of the Married Man liked the Gusher and tolerated the Grouch. 

Every time the Gusher came into the Flat, he held her Hand a littlelonger than necessary and looked into her Hazel Eyes and told her shewas becoming Younger and more Charming every Day. After a Woman turnsthe 30 Corner, those Speeches are worth a Dollar a Word, because shefinds herself Guessing at times. Husband never was jealous. He knewthat the Gusher told every Woman the same thing, playing no Favorites. 

When the Grouch came to see them, he said "How are you?" and thenbegan to kick on the Weather and tell about his Rheumatism. One thingwas certain. The Grouch never would break up any Happy Homes. And itwas predicted that he would never get a Wife unless he took her on aMortgage. 

Every Husband has a few Friends who come in for hard Raps from theWife. And the Grouch got all that was coming to him. She used todeclare up and down that she was going to break his Plate and revokehis License. Husband would remind her that he and the Grouch hadroomed together at College and done the Comrades Act ever since theywere Boys. He would assure her that the Grouch was a Good Fellow, butyou had to know him thirty or forty years before you found it out. Hewould smooth her down and straighten out her Feathers and she wouldagree to give the Grouch just one more Chance. 

[Illustration: _The Grouch. _]

It came about that one Year the Married Man got Gay and swam outto where it was over his Head. In his keen Anxiety to enlarge hisBusiness he took on about three Tons of Liabilities. Ninety days makebut a fleeting Span when Notes are falling due. One day the MarriedMan found himself hanging on the edge of the Gully, with a Choiceof jumping to the Rocks below or waiting to be Scalped. It was nota dignified thing to do, but he had to yell for Assistance and yellplenty. 

He hot-footed to the Gusher, friend of his Youth and God-Father tohis Children. He explained that his Heels were beating a Tattoo onthe Ragged Edge of Insolvency, and unless he could raise the Wind, it meant a Receiver over at the Works, his Credit evaporated and thePianola to the Hock-Shop. 

The Gusher listened with Tears in his Eyes. In a Voice all choked withSobs he tendered his Sympathy and his Sincere Hope that all wouldyet be Well. He told him it grieved him to see a Friend go underthe Rollers. It tore his Heart. It did for sure. In fact it had soupset him that he would have to go out into the Air. So he did anOlga Nethersole Exit with one Hand over his streaming Eyes, and thelife-long Friend sat there with Salt Water spattered all over him andnothing in his Hand. 

As soon as he had dried his Clothes he went to the Grouch and candidlyowned up that he was on the Waiting List for the Poor House unless hecould borrow enough to tide him over. 

As might have been expected, the Grouch began to Roast him. He toldhim that he didn't have as much Business Gumption as a Belgian Hareand a Chump who would walk into Debt with his Eyes open deserved toget it right in the Collar. 

"If you're looking for Sympathy, you've barked up the wrong Tree, "said the Grouch. 

"I'm not, " was the Reply. "I've just received enough Sympathy to lastme all Winter. "

The Grouch snarled and reached for his Check Book. 

"You can have whatever you need, but you don't deserve it, " he said, and he signed it, leaving it Blank above. 

"In view of the Fact that you have saved my Life, I will try toforgive you for lacerating my Feelings, " said the Married Man. 

They retained the Flat, but the Grouch is just as Unpopular as ever. 

 * * * * *

MORAL: A Friend who is very Near and Dear may in Time become asuseless as a Relative. 

 * * * * *

_THE REGULAR KIND OF A PLACE AND THE USUAL WAY IT TURNED OUT_

Once there was a home-like Beanery where one could tell the Day of theWeek by what was on the Table. 

The Stroke Oar of this Food Bazaar had been in the Business for 20years, and she had earned her Harp three times over. The Prune Jokenever touched her, and she had herself trained so as not to hear anysarcastic Cracks about the Oleo. She prided herself on the Atmosphereof Culture that permeated the Establishment, and on the Fact thatshe did not harbor any Improper Characters. A good many ImproperCharacters came around and sized up the Lay-Out and then blew. 

It was a sure-enough Boarding-House, such as many of our Best Peopleknow all about even if they won't tell. 

The Landlady was doing what she could to discourage the Beef Trust, but she carried a heavy line of Oatmeal. She had Oatmeal to burn andsometimes she did it. And she often remarked that Spinach had Iron init and was great for the Blood. One of her pet Theories was that Ricecontained more Nutriment than could be found in Spring Chicken, butthe Boarders allowed that she never saw a Spring Chicken. 

In the Cast of Characters were many of the Old Favorites. There wasthe lippy Boy with the Williams and Walker Shirts, who knew the Namesof all the Ball-Players and could tell when there was a good VarietyShow in Town. 

Then there was the other kind, with a straw-colored Mustache and aprominent Adam's Apple, who was very careful about his Pronunciation. He belonged to a Social Purity Club that had a Yell. His Idea of aHurrah was to get in a Parlor with a few Sisters who were under theAge Limit and sing the Bass Part of "Pull for the Shore. "

[Illustration: _The Lippy Boy. _]

Then there was the Old Boarder. He was the Land-Mark. Having livedin Boarding-Houses and Hotels all his Life, he had developed a Gloomthat surrounded him like a Morning Fog. He had a Way of turning Thingsover with his Fork, as if to say, "Well, I don't know about this. " Andhe never believed anything he saw in the Papers. He said the Papersprinted those things just to fill up. The Circassian Princess thatbrought in the Vittles paid more attention to him than to any oneelse, because if he didn't get Egg on his Lettuce he was liable to cryall over the Table Cloth. 

Then there was the chubby Man who came in every Evening and told whathad happened at the Store that Day, and there was a human Ant-Eaterwho made Puns. 

One of the necessary Features of a refined Joint is the Slender Thingwho is taking Music and has Mommer along to fight off the Managersand hush the Voice of Scandal. This Boarding-House had one of theseMother-and-Child Combinations that was a Dream. Daughter was full ofKubelik and Josef Hoffman. Away back in the Pines somewhere there wasa Father who was putting up for the Outfit. Mother's Job seemed to beto sit around and Root. She was a consistent little Booster. If whatMother said was true, then Effie's Voice was a good deal better thanit sounded. She said the Teachers were just crazy about it and all ofthem agreed that Effie ought to go to Paris or Milan. The slangy Boywith the rag-time Shirt went them one better, and said that _all_ ofthe phoney Melbas in the country ought to pull for the Old Country andwait until they were sent for. 

[Illustration: _The Old Boarder. _]

In this same Boarding-House there was a Widow whose husband hadneglected to die. Being left all alone in the World she had gone outto make her Way, since which time she had gained about 30 pounds andwas considered Great Company by the Young Men. 

Necessarily there was a Pale Lady who loved to read, and who stuck tothe Patterns that appeared in Godey's Magazine soon after the War. 

Then there was the Married Couple, without any Children or Furnitureof their own, and the only reason they didn't take a House was thatHenry had to be out of Town so often. Henry's Salary had been whooped$500 a Year and she was just beginning to say Gown instead of Dress. She had the Society Column for Breakfast and things looked Dark forHenry. 

For many months this conventional Group of ordinary 6-7/8 Mortals hadlived in a Rut. At each meal-time they rounded up and mechanicallydevoured what was doled out to them and folded their Napkins and brokeRanks. Each day was the Duplicate of another and Life had petered downto a Routine. 

One Evening just as they had come in for their Vermicelli, a newBoarder glided into their midst. She was a tall Gypsy Queen with about$1, 200 worth of Clothes that fit her everywhere and all the time, andshe had this watch-me kind of a Walk, the same being a Cue for all theother Girls to get out their Hardware. 

When she moved up to the Table and began to distribute a few sampleSmiles, so as to indicate the Character of her Work, the musical Teamwent out with the Tide, the Grass Widow curled up like an Autumn Leaf, the touch-me-not Married Lady dropped into the Scrub Division. TheLady who read was shy a Spoon and afraid to ask for it. The Men wereall google-eyed, and the Help was running into Chairs and droppingimportant parts of the Menu. 

Presently the Landlady came in and explained. She said that Mrs. Williams was in the City to shop for a couple of Days, and her Husbandwould be up on the Night Train. Whereupon five men fell under theTable. 

 * * * * *

MORAL: Nothing ever happens at a Boarding House. 

 * * * * *

_THE MAN WHO HAD A TRUE FRIEND TO STEER HIM ALONG_

Once there was a well-meaning Soul who was handicapped by a true andlasting Friendship. 

Sometimes he suspected that if he could be left to himself he wouldstruggle along from one Saturday Night to another and keep out of theWay of the Cars and possibly extract some Joy from this Life in hisown Simple Rube Fashion. 

But every time he turned around, Friend was right there to tell himwhat to do. 

Friend was somewhat of a Shell-Fish in the regulation of his ownPrivate Affairs, but he knew just how to manage for some one else. 

So he used to tell the Victim where to have his clothes made, and hewould pick out his Shirt Patterns for him and tell him how often heneeded a Drink, and in other ways relieve him of all Responsibilities. 

[Illustration: _The True Friend. _]

If the poor Mark wanted to remain in his Room and read somethingby William Dean Howells, the Friend would compel him to put on hisLow-Front and go out to a War-Dance and meet a Bunch of Kioodles whowore No. 6 Hats and talked nothing but Piffle. 

The Friend was always making Business Engagements for him and thenletting him know about it later on. 

And sometimes Friend would try to choke him and take his Money awayfrom him and invest it in some shine Enterprise that was going to pay40 per cent Dividend every thirty Days. 

Friend always meant well at that. When he selected the Girl that theVictim was to marry he was prompted by the most unselfish Motives. Notwithstanding which, the Victim did the tall Duck. 

A Policeman found him hiding under a Bridge and asked, "Are you aFugitive from Justice?"

"No, " was the Reply. "This is merely a case of Friend. "

 * * * * *

MORAL: They never seem to be properly Thankful for all that we do intheir Behalf. 

 * * * * *

_THE YOUNG NAPOLEON WHO WENT BACK TO THE STORE ON MONDAY MORNING_

Once there was a feverish Sure-Thinger who started for the Track witha Roll about the size of a Lady's Pencil. He wanted to parlee a $2Silver Certificate and bring home enough to pay the National Debt. When he stayed at home and marked the Card and made Mind Bets he couldbeat five out of six. He estimated that he was losing a Thousanda Month by fooling around the Store when he might be out at theMerry-Go-Round showing the Ikeys how to take a Joke. 

And now Saturday Afternoon had come and Percy M. Piker was hanging onthe rear end of the Choo-Choo with $7 sewed up in the inside Pocketof his Vest, while in his Hand there fluttered a batch of Clippings, written by the Smoke Brothers, showing which ones were sure to winunless something happened. 

Mr. Piker, the amateur Gam, closed his Eyes and saw himself buyinga real Panama and a dozen or so George H. Primrose Shirts. He had aVision of riding in a Machine called the Pink Demon, with Claire athis side and an imported Chiffonier working the Jigger and mowing downthe Common People. 

Percy had two or three Good Things that were guaranteed to go through. They had been slipped to him by a Cigar Salesman who knew an Owner. They looked to be the real Candy. 

When he arrived at the Track he gave up for a Badge and a Dope-Sheetand a couple of Perfectos, and this left him with 5 and a littlesomething on the side for Red Hots. He fought his way to theBlack-Board and demanded $2 worth of Bright Eyes at 9 to 1. Whilehe was struggling to get to the Fence he heard some one say thatAppendicitis was right and would win by a City Block. A Low Moanescaped him. He climbed over a large mass of Colored People so as toget $3 down on Appendicitis. The Odds were 7 to 5. He got balled upin his Arithmetic, and while he was waiting for the Figures to shiftso that he could butt in with his 3, a Bell rang and the Mob tore forthe Fresh Air. He climbed a Pole and saw Bright Eyes doing a Solo. He let go and fell in a Faint. Bright Eyes had beaten the Gate andspread-eagled his Field. It was a Case of winning on the Chin Strap. Mr. Piker was first in the Line, shaking like a Corn-Starch Pudding. He wanted to cash before the Book failed. 

A few Moments later he went out behind the Grand Stand and counted upand found that he had $23. He had the Panama and one Shirt. The still, small Voice said, "Duck!" but he thought of Claire and his comingVacation. There grew within him a high resolve to clean up the BettingRing and quit the Mercantile Life. 

In the Second Race there was a Brown Mare by High-Low-Dreamy Eyesat 97 with Fogarty up, whatever that meant. He heard a Hickey in aStriped Sweater tell a red-headed Man that Josie Jinks would roll in. Accordingly he gnawed his way up to the Workman with the Pencil andlaid Twenty at 3½ to 1. Then he wished that he hadn't, for he meta Friend who whispered "Sassafras" to him. Also he heard some one saythat Josie Jinks was three-legged and a bad Actress. After which hewent and put Cold Water on his Head and died several Deaths. 

[Illustration: _Getting Down. _]

Josie Jinks carried on her Back something just out of the Cradle thathad number 3 marked on it. Mr. Piker had his Chin over the Fence andwas wondering if any one would gather up his Body and put it on theTrain. His Pulse was up to 180 and he couldn't hear the Band play. 

He saw them come past the first time. Sassafras had a piece ofDaylight between himself and the Bunch. The Boy was going along underDouble Wraps with a lot up his Sleeve. Away back in the Pocket therewas something with a 3 on it. Percy clung to the Fence and he feltthe Chill come up his Legs. Sassafras had them smothered. He heard theRoar behind him and knew that an Awful Thing was being pulled off, buthe did not have the Heart to look. As they pounded up the Stretch helifted a dying Gaze and saw a figure 3 move out of the horrible Mix-Upand it was all over but the Cashing. 

[Illustration: _"Come On!"_]

A bug-eyed Maniac with his Collar to the bad was found wanderinghither and thither with $90 in his Left Hand. The Tout had to shakehim a couple of times before he came to. The Tout had some Goods ofa very superior Quality. In the next Race there was a Collie that hadenough Hop in him to convert a Selling Plater into a Reina. It waslike making change with a Blind Man. Rinkaboo was the Name. Breathe itsoftly, as very few were Next. 

The Tout said to play it across the Board, forward and back, up anddown. He said that Rinkaboo would breeze in, that he would win on theBit, doing Buck and Wing Steps, that all the others would seem to beHitched. 

So, Mr. Piker allowed the Tout to take him by the Hand, for he was tooweak to resist, and together they wandered off into Dreamland. Pieceby Piece the happy Sesterces went up. Rinkaboo was played in all theBooks, straight, place and to peep. Mr. Piker found himself up in theGrand Stand holding his Head with one Hand while in the other Hand wasa Pinochle Deck, suitable for framing. If Rinkaboo finished at all, Mr. Piker was a Wealthy Person. If he happened in toward the head ofthe Procession, Mr. Piker would have to send for a Furniture Van. Ifhe came First, it would be a case of Hoboken for every Book inside ofthe Fence. 

After it was all over and Mr. Percy M. Piker was riding homewardwith his Head out of a Trolley Window, he recalled dimly that a largenumber of long-legged Ponies came out on the Track. One of them wasthe color of an Old Glove and was doing a Two-Step. There was abouttwenty minutes of Fussing around at the Bend in the Track and thenthey all kited away like a flight of Swallows and there was one Horsein front and Mr. Piker had a Convulsion and frothed at the mouth. Presently the Tonic seemed to die away and something Blew and Rinkaboofell down and stepped on his Lip. He came in about the time they wereblowing the Horn for the next Race. 

And now Mr. Piker can take Callers up to his Room and tell them how hestood to win $1, 340. 

 * * * * *

MORAL: Even the Best cannot pick them every Whirl out of the Box. 

 * * * * *

_THE HIGH ART THAT WAS A LITTLE TOO HIGH FOR THE VULGARIAN WHO PAIDTHE BILLS_

Once there was a Husband who was stuck on Plain Living and HomeComforts. He would walk around an Angel Cake any old Time to getaction on some Farm Sausage. He was not very strong for RomaineSalad or any Speckled Cheese left over from Year before last, but hedid a very neat vanishing Act with a Sirloin Steak and he had theCoffee come right along in a large Cup. He refused to dally withthe Demi-Tasse. For this true American the Course Dinner was a weakInvention of the benighted Foreigner. When he squared up to his Foodhe cut out all the Trimmings. 

This is the kind of Husband who peels his Coat in the Evening and getshimself all spread out in a Rocking Chair with a fat Cushion underhim. 

He loves to wear old Velvet Slippers with pink Roses worked on theToes and the Heels run over. 

Give him about two Cigars that pull freely and a Daily Paper and heis fixed for the Session. 

Along about 10. 30, if he can connect with a Triangle of DesiccatedApple Pie and a Goblet of Milk, he is ready to sink back on the Husks, feeling simply Immense. 

Now this Husband had a Fireside that suited him nearly to Deathuntil the Better Half began to read these Magazines that tell how tobeautify the Home. 

Her first Play was to take out all the Carpets and have the Floorsmassaged until they were as slick as Glass, so that when theBread-Winner stepped on one of the Okra or Bokhara Rugs he usuallygave an Imitation of a Player trying to reach Second. 

He told her that he did not care to live in a Rink, but what he saidcut very few Lemons with the Side-Partner. She was looking at thehalf-tone Pictures of up-to-date Homes and beginning to realize thatthe Wall-Paper, Steel Engravings and the Enlarged Photographs of YapRelatives would have to go. 

[Illustration: _Artistic Living Room. _]

One Day when the Provider struck the Premises he found the Workmenputting Red Burlap on the Walls of the Sitting-Room. 

"Why the Gunny-Sack?" he asked. "Can't we afford Wall-Paper?"

"Love of Art is the True Essence of the Higher Life, " said theÆsthete, and she began to read a Booklet bound in the same Paper thatthe Butcher uses when he wraps up a Soup Bone. 

"Come again, " said the Wage Earner, who was slow at catching theseRuskin Twisters. 

"This is Art Burlap and not the kind that they use for sackingPeanuts, " explained the Disciple of Beauty. "Above the Burlap will bea Shelf of Weathered Oak, and then above that a Frieze of Blue JimsonFlowers. Then when we draw all of the Curtains and light one Candle inhere it will make a Swell Effect. "

"I feel that we are going to be very Happy, " he said, and then hewent out and sat behind the Barn, where he could smoke his Pipe andmeditate on the Uncertainties of Life. 

[Illustration: _Artistic Dining-Room. _]

Next Day he discovered that she had condemned his Rocking-Chair andthe old-style Centre Table on which he used to stack his ReadingMatter and keep a Plate of Apples handy. 

When he entered the improved and modernized Living Room, he foundhimself up against a Job Lot of Beauty and no Mistake. 

All the Furniture was straight up and down. It seemed to have beenchopped out with an Axe, and was meant to hold up Members of theRhinoceros Family. 

On the High Shelf was a Row of double-handled Shaving Mugs, crippledBeer Steins, undersized Coal Scuttles and various Copper Kettles thathad seen Better Days. 

"At last we have a Room that satisfies every Craving of my Soul, " saidthe Wife. 

"I am more than Satisfied, " observed the Treasurer. "I am deliriouswith Joy. My only regret is that an All-Wise Providence did not mouldme into a different Shape so that I might sit down in some of theseChairs. What are those Iron Dinkuses sticking out from the Wall?"

[Illustration: _Artistic Bed-Chamber. _]

"Those are Florentine Lanterns, " she replied; "and they are veryRoycroftie, even if they don't give any Light. "

Next she started in on the Dining-Room. 

Rule No. 1 for making Home more Cheerful is to put in a Shelf whereverthere is room for one. After which the Shelf is loaded down withEtruscan Growlers and Antique Jugs. 

The low-browed Husband could not tell the difference between High Artand Junk. 

The female Bradleyite covered the Walls with about 400 Plates, eachwith a Blue Curly-Cue on it. They looked very Cheap to him until hereceived the Bill, and then he learned that they were Old Delft andcame to $11 apiece. 

In fact, after his Wife had been haunting the Second-Hand Places fora while, he learned that any Article which happened to be old andshopworn and cracked was the one that commanded the Top Price. 

She never let up until she had made the whole House thoroughlyArtistic. 

Her Women Acquaintances would come in, and she would show them theDark Oak Effects and the Sea-Green Frescoes and the Monastery Setteewith the Sole-Leather Bottom in it and the corroded Tea-Pot that shehad bought for $95 and the Table Spread made from Overall Materialwith just one Yellow Poppy in the Middle, and they would have 37different kinds of Duck Fits and say that it was Grand and that herTaste was simply Faultless. After that she wouldn't care what Husbandsaid. 

He was a fairly patient Man, and all he complained of was that whenhe sat down he dislocated his Spine, while the Brass Knobs woreblack-and-blue Spots on him; and the dining-room Table should havehad a couple of Holes for him to put his Legs through; and he couldn'tfind a Place in which to stretch out; and he needed a Derrick to moveone of the Chairs; and at Night when the Moonlight came into his Roomand he saw all the bummy Bean-Pots lined up on the Foot-Board and theInstruments of Torture staring at him from every corner of the Room, he would crawl down under the Covers and dream of his Childhood Home, with the old-fashioned Sofas and the deep Rocking-Chairs and the bigBureaus that were meant to hold Things and not to look at. However, he has been unable to arrest the reaching-out after the Beautiful, foronly last Week she purchased a broken-down Clock--price $115. 

 * * * * *

MORAL: There is no Place like Home, and some Husbands are glad of it. 

 * * * * *

_THE PATIENT TOILER WHO GOT IT IN THE USUAL PLACE_

Once there was an Office Employee with a Copy-Book Education. 

He believed it was his Duty to learn to Labor and to Wait. 

He read Pamphlets and Magazine Articles on Success and how to make ita Cinch. He knew that if he made no Changes and never beefed for moreSalary, but just buckled down and put in Extra Time and pulled for theHouse, he would Arrive in time. 

The Faithful Worker wanted to be Department Manager. The Hours wereshort and the Salary large and the Work easy. 

He plugged on for many Moons, keeping his Eye on that Roll-Top Desk, for the Manager was getting into the Has-Been Division and he knewthere would be a Vacancy. 

At last the House gave the old Manager the Privilege of retiring andliving on whatever he had saved. 

"Ah, this is where Humble Merit gets its Reward, " said the PatientToiler. "I can see myself counting Money. "

That very Day the Main Gazooks led into the Office one of thehandsomest Tennis Players that ever worked on Long Island andintroduced him all around as the new Department Manager. 

"I shall expect you to tell Archibald all about the Business, " saidthe Main Gazooks to the Patient Toiler. "You see he has just graduatedfrom Yale and he doesn't know a dum Thing about Managing anythingexcept a Cat-Boat, but his Father is one of our principalStock-Holders and he is engaged to a Young Woman whose Uncle is at thehead of the Trust. "

"I had been hoping to get this Job for myself, " said the FaithfulWorker, faintly. 

[Illustration: _His Ambition. _]

"You are so valuable as a Subordinate and have shown such an Aptitudefor Detail Work that it would be a Shame to waste you on a $5, 000Job, " said the Main Gazooks. "Besides you are not Equipped. You havenot been to Yale. Your Father is not a Stock-Holder. You are notengaged to a Trust. Get back to your High Stool and whatever Archibaldwants to know, you tell him. "

 * * * * *

MORAL: One who wishes to be a Figure-Head should not Overtrain. 

 * * * * *

_THE SUMMER VACATION THAT WAS TOO GOOD TO LAST_

Once there was a Wife who gave the Money-Getter a Vacation by goinginto the Country for a Month. Dearie took her to the Train, and allthe way she kept saying that it did not seem just Right to romp awayon a Pleasure Trip and leave him Shell-Roaded. 

He began to fear that she would Weaken, so he told her that while hewas slaving and humping in the City, it would give him sufficient Joyto know that Darling was out in the Woods, listening to the Birds. He insisted that she should stay until she was thoroughly Rested. Of course, he did not dare to make it too Strong. He played theSelf-Sacrifice Gag and threw in a Dash of Marital Solicitude, and madean awful Try at imitating one who has been soaked by a Great Sorrow. As the Missus looked at him through her Tears and held his Salary-Hookin hers, little did she suspect that he had framed up a Poker Festivalfor that Night and already the Wet Goods were spread out on the Ice. 

He had told her that he was going to sit up in the Library everyEvening and read Macaulay's History of England. By opening the Windowson both sides he could get a nice Breeze from the West. Along about 10o'clock, if he got Sleepy, he could turn in. Why not?

It was a lovely Time-Table that he had mapped out. He submitted it toPet before she went away and she put her O. K. On it, even though herHeart ached for him. Breakfast at the strange Boarding-House. A day ofToil interrupted by a small Bunch of Food at the Dairy Lunch. 

Then back to the unfamiliar Faces at the Boarding-House. 

Then sitting alone in the Gloaming, thinking of the Absent One. 

Then an Hour or two in the Library with the jovial Macaulay. 

Then to Bed in the lonesome House and Dreams of Sweetie. 

[Illustration: _Calling Up the Pirate Crew. _]

He gave her a Schedule which she could consult at any time, Day orNight, and thereby find out what he was doing at that Moment. It wasjust as convenient as sending a Marconi every Hour or so. 

He held himself down until the Train had flirted around the Curve, forhe knew that she was watching him from the Observation Car. Then hethrew his Hat in the Air and began to do Flip-Flops. 

"O, I suppose this is Miserable, " he said. "I can see a very poorMonth ahead of me--yes--not. Me wearing all my Bells and taking aHurdle every Furlong. "

He rushed in to the Telegraph Office and sent a Wire to her, so thatit would catch her at the first Station up the Road. It said not toworry and to take a Good Rest and everything was moving along aboutthe same as usual. With Love and Kisses. 

After which he went over to the Brewery to see if they would make aReduction on Wholesale Orders. 

Hubby went up street with his Straw dipped down in Front, the same asthe College Rakes wear them, and his Coat was thrown wide open to showthe dizzy Pleats. His Cuban Blood was all het up and he told himselfthat he was 19 years old and never had a Home. 

Oh, but he was Nifty. He was out of the Corral and into the Red Cloverand nix any Halter and Box Stall for him. At least not for a Month. 

It happened that he had the usual number of disreputable Friends. They were All Right, but he did not dare to have them up to the House, because Angel-Face had investigated them and returned True Bills. They were a little too Gamey for Presbyterian Circles, but they fittedright in at any Function where every man takes off his Coat. 

Husband began to use the Telephone, and in the course of an Hour hehad organized a Pirate Crew that would go as far as you like at anyGame from Pitch-and-Toss to Manslaughter. 

For when a decent Married Man does start out to find somethingdifferent from the calm Joys of connubing in a Side Street, he is theVillage Limit. 

Husband had the whole Shop to himself. He employed a Senegambian whowas a good two-handed Worker with the Corkscrew. Then he had $40 worthof Dutch Lunch sent in from the Rathskeller and arranged the Stacks ofReds, Whites, and Blues. He told himself that the only True Enjoymentwas found in Bachelor's Hall. 

His Hickey Acquaintances came in, showing more or less Stage Fright, as they were not accustomed to seeing Rugs and Tidies. They told himthat he had a Swell Joint. After they had been to the Tea a coupleof times they began to peel and one of them started some rowdy Workon the Piano. Another backed into a $30 Statuette and put it out ofBusiness and then offered to pay for it, but the Host said it costonly 98 cents at a Bargain Sale. 

[Illustration: _Instead of Macaulay. _]

At 10 P. M. The Wife, who was in Upper Seven, referred to herTime-Table and saw Papa sitting by the Student's Lamp, readingMacaulay. She had no way of knowing that Papa had just been strung fora Month's Rent in a Progressive Jack Pot. 

In the Morning when Papa arose and looked at the cold Welsh Rabbitsand saw the Cigar Ashes all over the Place and when he had a Taste asif he were taking care of a Lap-Robe, the glad Bohemian Existence didnot look as Good to him as it had when lighted up the Night before. Especially as he had got the Zoop for some 80 Buckerines. 

Still, there is no one case of Remorse that is going to head off a Manwho wants to be rejuvenated. He pulled himself together on the SecondDay and resumed the Merry Clip and there was nothing doing in theMacaulay Line. Home did not get him until the Lights had winked outin the other Places. He would not leave the Stag Club or the GermanGarden, until they began putting the Chairs on the Tables. 

For the first two Weeks it was immense. In time, however, it struckhim that there was a certain Monotony in spending one's Money on theNight Owls and showing up with the Milkman. The Poker Players wereinto him and he began to suspect that he needed a Guardian. 

Like every other Man who sends his Wife to a Summer Place, he endedhis Hurrah by making a few Resolutions and begging her to come Home. 

And she will always believe that he did the Macaulay Act every Eveningwhile she was away. Which is just as well. 

 * * * * *

MORAL: In order to put a true Value on Civilization, one should pace afew Heats with the Indians now and then. 

 * * * * *

_HOW AN HUMBLE BEGINNER MOVED FROM ONE PINNACLE TO ANOTHER AND PLAYEDTHE ENTIRE CIRCUIT_

A team of Proud Parents had a son named James Henry Guff. On the Dayof his Birth the Wind changed and blew in another Direction, Applesfell off the Trees, Chickens went to Roost at Mid-Day. All Natureseemed to have been given a Jolt by the Portentous Event. For JamesHenry Guff was born to know all the Brands of Human Greatness. Destinyhad put a Green Tag on him and nothing could stop him. 

When he was only 18 years of age, he was elected Captain of aVolunteer Fire Department, which was a valuable Organization, onlywhen there was a Fire no one could find the Key to the House in whichthey kept the Hand-Pump. But the Papers began to speak of him asCaptain Guff. His Intimates called him Cap. After the Hose Companydisbanded, his Title clung to him and it was generally believed thathe had been with Grant at Appomattox. 

Not satisfied with a resounding Title, for which those in the RegularArmy have to struggle for Years, Captain Guff began to give Lessonson the Flute at 50 cents an Hour, and the first thing he knew he was areal Professor, just the same as if he had gone up in a Balloon or hadsome trained Horses. Now over at Harvard, where they grow the EnglishAccent, a Student must grind through a long Course, and a Fellowshipand an Instructorship before he blossoms into a simon-pure Professor. Which only goes to show that the Real Boy can gain by one stroke ofGenius the Renown for which the ordinary Skates must go forth andRustle. 

James Henry Guff at the age of 30 was both a Captain and a Professor, but his insatiable Ambition spurred him to go out and gather otherLaurels. So he ran for Justice of the Peace, and was elected the thirdtime he ran, because the other Candidate pulled out. As Magistrate hebecame custodian of a Law-Book, a Checker-Board, and a stack of BlankAffidavits. Once every three Months or so somebody would levy on aCow or threaten to Assault, and then the Judge would get a chance tooperate his Graft. But he didn't care so much about the Income, solong as he could be addressed as Judge. He allowed his Hair to growinto a long, graceful Cow-Lick that kept falling into his Eyes, and helooked at the Sidewalk meditatively as he went over to the Grocery toget his Fine-Cut. Sometimes, when he was far enough from Home, thosewho met him and heard him called Judge thought that he was on theSupreme Bench. 

In the course of Time he began to crave a Political Job, so hebegan to stump around in the Interests of the Machine. He drove outto District School-Houses with the American Eagle seated on theDash-Board of his Buggy, and when he got on the Platform he waved OldGlory until both Arms gave out. All of which went to prove that theMachine should be kept in Power. After he had been spellbinding fora couple of Seasons a Job Printer conferred upon him the Title ofHonorable. Every time there was a Jim-Crow Speaking, then the Hon. James Henry Guff showed up with his Voice in a Shawl-Strap and also afine Assortment of Platitudes. When the Congressman wrote to him andasked him to get the Swazey County Delegates into Line, he alwaysaddressed his letter to the Hon. James Henry Guff and in the Course ofTime Guff began to believe. 

[Illustration: _Hon. James Henry Guff. _]

But a prouder Distinction awaited him. In view of the fact that he hadplugged for the Regular Organization and delivered the Goods at theState Convention, he was made a Colonel on the Governor's Staff. It isthe Duty of a Colonel on the Governor's Staff to ride in a Pullman Carand take a Ball every time he is touched on the Back. Colonel Guff wasa Dream when he got into his $275 Uniform with the Gold Braid riggedall over the Front. He wore a Chapeau similar to the one worn byNapoleon at Austerlitz, but he had on top of it seven Tail-Feathers ofthe Loo-Loo Bird, which rather laid over anything that Napoleon everwore. And when Colonel James Henry Guff in his magnificent Regaliaand smoking a ten-cent Cigar, leaned back in an Open Carriage drawnby White Horses and allowed the People to gaze at him, the Grandeur ofthe Spectacle made one forget the real Horrors of War. 

Many of the ardent Admirers of Prof. Guff, and Capt. Guff, and JudgeGuff, and Col. Guff believed that he had climbed to the Summit ofGreatness when he appeared in his $42 Plume. Not so. One Year theState Militia was to have an Encampment and the Governor gave Col. James Henry Guff the Job of buying all the Beans, Fresh Beef, andother Supplies, because there promised to be a slight rake-off. Officially he was known as the Commissary-General. 

Thus it came about that after Years of Endeavor, James Henry Guff, who left the Post a poor and unknown Boy, went under the Wire a realGeneral. 

When his Daughters went away to Boarding School and were introduced asthe Offspring of Gen. James H. Guff they assumed a Social Leadership. Gen. Guff led the Grand March at a great many Military Balls. Ata Banquet costing $8 per Plate he sat at the Right of the Chairmanwearing Medals which had been presented to him by the 4th WardMarching Club. In his Address he always defended the Soldier againstunwarranted Attacks and protested against hauling down the Flag at anyTime or Place. 

If the Government adopted a new Machine Gun, all the Reporters wentover and interviewed Gen. James Henry Guff about it. He wrote aMagazine Article on the Mistakes of the British in South Africa andlikewise got rid of a few ponderous Opinions on our Policy in thePhilippines. 

When he died, the Funeral Procession was two miles long. The Familyhad to erect two Marble Shafts so as to find Room for all of hisTitles. 

 * * * * *

MORAL: True Democracy scorns a Title unless it has a realSignificance, with the Reverse English. 

 * * * * *

_THE MANEUVERS OF JOEL AND THE DISAPPOINTED ORPHAN ASYLUM_

An old Residenter, who owned a Section of Improved Land, and some TownProperty besides, was getting too Feeble to go out and roast the HiredHands, so he turned the Job over to his Son. This Son was named Joel. He was foolish, the same as a Fox. Any one who got ahead of Joel hadto leave a 4:30 Call and start on a Lope. When it came to Skin Gameshe was the original High-Binder. 

Joel took the Old Gentleman aside one Day and said to him: "Father, you are not long for this World, and to save Lawyer Fees and avoid atie-up in the Probate Court, I think you ought to cut up your Estateyour own self, and then you will know it is done Right. "

"How had I better divide it?" asked the Old Gentleman. 

"You can put the whole Shooting-Match in my Name, " suggested Joel. "That will save a lot of Writing. Then if any other Relatives needanything, they can come to me and try to Borrow it. "

Joel sent for a cut-rate Shyster, who brought a bundle of Papers tiedwith Green Braid, and assured the Old Gentleman that the Proceedingwas a Mere Formality. When a Legal Wolf wants to work the Do-Do on aSoft Thing, he always springs that Gag about a Mere Formality. 

Joel and the Shell-Worker moved the Old Gentleman up to a Table in theFront Room and put a Cushion under him and slipped a Pen into his Handand showed him where to Sign. 

After he got through filling the Blank Spaces with his John Hancock, he didn't have a Window to hoist or a Fence to lean on. He was simplysponging on Joel. 

This went on for about a Month, and then Joel began to Fret. 

[Illustration: _Over the Hills. _]

"I don't think I am getting a Square Deal, " said Joel. "Here is anAncient Party without any Assets, who lives with me Week in and Weekout and doesn't pay any Board. He is getting too Old and Wabbly todo Odd Jobs around the Place, and it looks to me like an awfulImposition. "

So he went to the Old Gentleman and said: "Father, I know the Childrenmust annoy you a good deal; they make so much Noise when they playHouse. Sometimes we want to use the Piano after it is your Bed-Time, and of course that breaks your Rest, so I have been thinking thatyou would be a lot better off in some Institution where they make aSpecialty of looking after Has-Beens. I have discovered a nice, quietPlace. You, will live in a large Brick Building, with a lovely Cupolaon top. There is a very pretty Lawn, with Flower-Beds, and also anornamental Iron Fence, so that the Dogs cannot break in and bite you. You will be given a nice Suit of Clothes, the same as all the othersare wearing, and if you oversleep yourself in the Morning, a Man willcome around and call you. "

"In other Words, me to the Poor-House, " said the Old Residenter. 

"You need not call it that, unless you want to, " said Joel. "If youchoose, you may speak of it as the Home for Aged Persons who gotFoolish with their Fountain Pens. "

So Joel put his Father into the Spring Wagon and hauled him over theHills to the Charity Pavilion, where all the Old Gentleman had to dowas to sit around in the Sun looking at the Pictures in last year'sIllustrated Papers and telling what a Chump he had been. 

But sometimes a Man is not all in, simply because he looks to bewrinkled and doddering. Joel's Father had a Few Thinks coming tohim. Although he had been double-crossed and put through the Ropes, he still had a Punch left. He sent for a Lawyer who was even moreCrafty than the one employed by Joel and he said to him: "There is aLoop-Hole in every Written Instrument, if one only knows how to findit. I want you to set aside that fool Deed. "

Next day the Lawyer came for him in a double-seated Carriage and said, "They forgot to put on a Revenue Stamp and so the Transfer is off. "

"And do I get all of my Property back again?" asked the OldResidenter. 

"You get half and I get half, " was the Reply of the Lawyer. 

"Give me mine, " said the Old Residenter. "I'm from Wisconsin and Iwant it in the Hand. Whatever I own from this time on, I carry rightin my Clothes, and any Relative who separates me from it will have toset his Request to Music. " Then he went to a Physician. 

"Doc, " he says, "they are counting nine on me, but I figure thatbefore I cash in, I have time to spend all that I have. Look me overand tell me how long I would last on a Waldorf diet. I want to gaugemy Expenses so as to leave nothing behind for Joel except a Ha-HaMessage and a few Heirlooms. "

"If you want to euchre your Family, why don't you leave it to anOrphan Asylum?" suggested the Lawyer. 

[Illustration: _Second Time on Earth. _]

"Nix the Orphan Asylum, " said the Old Residenter. "They would bringa million witnesses to prove that I had been out of my Head for 20years, and I wouldn't be there to contradict them. I learn that bya singular Coincidence, all the Old People who leave their Money toHospitals and the like are Mentally Irresponsible. In order to provethat I am in my right Senses, I will Blow mine. "

So he went to Palm Beach and other Winter Resorts, at which theycharge by the Minute, and wherever he went he gave a faithfulImitation of the Cowboy's first Night in Town. 

He bought himself a hot Raglan with a Surcingle around it, and a verydoggy line of Cravats, and when he went into the Dining-Room he pickedout a Table which commanded a View of the Door at which the Girls camein. 

All this time Joel was worried. It seemed a Sin and a Shame for an OldMan to go around spending his own Money. 

The Residenter had so much Fun during his Second Time on Earth thathe decided to make it a sure-enough Renaissance, so he married aType-Writer 19 years old, that he met in a Hotel Lobby, and then Joeldid go up in the Air. 

When she began to pick out Snake Rings, and Diamond Wish-Bones, theOld Gentleman saw that there was no longer any Hope for Joel. 

 * * * * *

MORAL: When buncoing a Relative always be sure that the Knock-OutDrops are Regulation Strength. 

 * * * * *

_TWO YOUNG PEOPLE, TWO PHOTOGRAPHERS AND THE CORRESPONDENCE SCHOOL OFWOOING_

Once there was a lovely Two-Stepper who went to a Swell Hop and theremet a Corkerina who had come to visit a School Friend. 

He gavotted a few Lines with the Lily. They found it very easy tocatch Step together and he did an expert Job of Piloting during theWaltz so as not to get her mussed up, and the consequence was that hemade a Grand Impression. 

Whenever a Debutter goes away to visit a School Friend, she alwaysmeets some Local Adonis who looks to her to be about 60 per cent. Better than the stock of Johnnies in her own Burg. And after a NiceGirl has had a long and prosperous Run on the Home Circuit and thenbegins to curl up on the Edges and show signs of Frost, she will findit a very wise Shift to try new Territory and the Chances are that shewill make a Ten-Strike. 

[Illustration: _The Two-Stepper. _]

To prove that this is no Idle Jest, it can be demonstrated that themarrying Girl usually goes on the Road a while before she closes aContract. 

The Two-Stepper could not forget the Girl from Another Town. Shepulled out next Day but he looked up the Address and sent her theDance Programme that he had found in his Overcoat Pocket. She wroteback that it was Awfully Sweet of him to remember poor little Me andthen she asked one or two Questions. That gave him a Hunch, so hebought a new kind of Writing Paper, said to be the Latest Agony, andhe wrote a nice Long Letter in which he told her that she was veryeasy to look at, and that when it came to picking them up and settingthem down in the Slow and Dreamy, she made all the other Girls of hisAcquaintance look like a Set of Cripples. 

She returned the Serve with one of these chummy Epistles, written onall sides of the Paper, with the P. S. Crawling up one Margin like aPea-Vine. She chucked in a few mushy Extracts from the Oatmeal Schoolof Thought and asked him the Name of his Favorite Poet. 

Her Pace was a trifle Swift for Harry J. , who had derived hisEducation from the Sporting Section of the Daily Papers, but he boughta Lover's Guide and a Dictionary and decided to stay in. 

The size of it was that little Harry had been Harpooned all the waythrough. He was the original Sweetheart à la Brochette. He carriedwith him, Night and Day, a Vision of Her in the $200 Rig that she hadflashed on the Night of the Party. It never occurred to him that shecould wear any other Costume. He would close his Eyes and try to hearonce again the dulcet and mellifluous Tones of that Voice which, tohim, sounded as Good as an Æolian Harp moved by gentle Zephyrs withina Bower of Orchids costing $7 each. 

So they exchanged Photos. 

Next to the Miniature painted on Ivory, the Modern Photo is the prizeBunk of the Universe. 

A successful Photographer, who has learned the Tricks and made aslight Study of Human Nature, can take a Grass Widow of 48, who istroubled with Wild Hairs and other Excess Ornaments, and by tamperingwith the Negative, he can make her out to look something like EthelBarrymore. Then she can send the Picture to her Relations who live along way off and they will never know the Difference. 

The Girl sent Harry a High Art Panel of herself, in which she waslooking at something in a Tree, and when he gazed at it, he had aPalpitation and said, "This is better than I thought it was. "

He told himself that it would be a Pleasure and a Privilege to walkup to something like that the 1st of every Month and hand it theEnvelope. 

He got a clean Shave and put on his Other Clothes and went and hadhimself Taken by an Artist who charged $8 a Dozen--$4 for the Picturesand $4 to square his Conscience. 

[Illustration: _The Artist. _]

This Specialist could take any Set of Misfit Features and rearrangethem into a Work of Art. He put Harry in front of the Bull's-Eyeand scrooged him around so as to blanket the White Wings as much aspossible and then he told him to think of Money and look Pleasant. 

When the Pictures were delivered, Harry realized for the first timethat he was a Beautiful Creature. He sent one to the Girl and wrotethat it was a bum Likeness and did not do him Justice, and so on. 

In acknowledging Receipt, she cut out the "Dear Mister" and came rightat him with "Dear Friend, " which gave him such a Stroke of Joy that hedid very little Work that Day. 

Harry did not have Gumption enough to evolve any deep System forlanding a Tid-Bit, but he had accidentally hit upon the Cinch Method. 

So long as Courtship consists of sending idealized Cabinets andexchanging Nice Long Letters, there is but little chance of makingMiscues. He never drops in of an Afternoon to find her in a BlueWrapper and drying her Hair and she never catches him smelling ofCigarettes. 

When it comes down to close Work in a Parlor, there is always the Riskof having Herbert Buttinsky on hand to make his Party Call. He whotells his Love by U. S. Mail never hears anything about the ThirdParty. He lives in the sweet Delusion that he has bought up the wholeHouse. 

Harry's Letters to the Girl and the Girl's Letters to Harry becamemore and more on that Order, until at last they began to burn holes inthe Mail Bags. 

After comparing her Picture with all the Parlor Favorites that hemet on his Social Rounds, he realized that she outclassed all otherRepresentatives of her sex. 

In her cosy Flat, far away, she had him propped up on the Piano in aSilver-Gilt Frame and featured to beat the Cars. Any one who droppedin to see her was made to understand that he was merely an Understudy, who was being used as a Time-Killer. 

She used to write to Harry and tell him about her Callers and whatChumps they were, and then let him draw his own Conclusions as to whowas the real white-haired Papa. 

Finally Harry took an Overdose of Nerve Food and asked her right out, would she? The answer came back by Wire and the same Day he sent asealed Express Package containing the Ring. 

After which they began to lay Plans to have a Wedding and becomebetter acquainted. 

To be continued in our Next. 

 * * * * *

MORAL: Absence makes the Heart grow foolish. 

 * * * * *

_THE MARRIED COUPLE THAT WENT TO HOUSEKEEPING AND BEGAN TO FIND OUTTHINGS_

Once there was a Happy Pair, each of whom got stuck on the Photographof the other and thereupon a Marriage was arranged by Mail. 

Shortly after taking the Life Risk, they started in to get acquainted. Up to the time that they moved into the Arcadian Flats and began totake Orders from the Janitor, he never had seen little Sunshine exceptin her Evening Frock. 

He had a sort of sneaking Suspicion that she arose every Morningalready attired in a Paris Gown and all the Diamonds. 

And she supposed that he went to the Office every Day in his regularJohn Drew effect with the Folding Hat. 

After she began to see Hubby around the Flat in his Other Clothes theHorrible Truth dawned upon her that he was not such a Hot Swell as hehad looked to be in the Bunko Photograph. 

Sometimes, on Rainy Sundays, he would cut out the Morning Service anddecide not to Shave, and then when she got a good long Look at him, she would begin to doubt her own Judgment. 

And so far as that is concerned, there were Mornings, after they hadbeen out Late to a Welsh Rabbit Party, when she was a little Lumpy, ifany one should ask. 

Love's Young Dream was handed several goshawful Whacks about the Timethat they started in to get a Line on each other. 

For instance, the first Morning at Breakfast it came out that herIdea of a Dainty Snack with which to usher in the Day was a LettuceSandwich, a Couple of Olives and a Child's Cup full of Cocoa, whilehe wanted $35 worth of Ham and Eggs, a stack of Griddle Cakes and aTureen of Coffee. 

She was a case of Ambrosia and Nectar and he was plain old Ham andSpinach. 

It used to give her Hysterics to see him bark at an Ear of Green Corn, at the same time making a Sound like a Dredge. 

[Illustration: _Inhaling It. _]

For Dinner she liked a little Consommé en Tasse and then a Nice Salad, while he insisted on a Steak the size of a Door Mat and German Friedto come along. 

They did not Mocha and Java at all on their Reading Matter. She likedHenry James and Walter Pater and he preferred Horse Papers and theComic Supplement. Sometimes when she would wander off into the Realmsof Poesy he would follow her as far as he could, and then sit down andwait for her to get through rambling and come back. 

If they took in a Show she was always plugging for Mrs. Fiske orDuse, while he claimed that Rogers Brothers were better than Booth andBarrett had been in their Prime. 

She could weep over a Tosti Serenade, and he would walk a Mile at anytime to see a good Buck Dance. 

When they got around to fixing up Invitation Lists, there was more orless Geeing and Hawing. 

All of his Friends belonged to the Hitemup Division. Their onlyConception of a Happy Evening was to put the Buck in the Centre of theTable, break a fresh Pack and go out for Blood. 

Wifey found her most delirious Joy in putting passionate Shades onall the Lamps, and sitting there in the Crimson Glow to discussMaeterlinck and Maarten Maartens and a few others that were New Oneson the he-end of the Sketch. 

When they had an Evening At Home up in the Flat, it was usually atwo-ring Affair. She would have the Cerebellums in the Front Roomlooking at the New Books and eating Peppermint Wafers, while he andthe other Comanches would be out in the Dining-Room trying to maketheir House Rent and tossing off that which made Scotland famous. Sometimes it would take half the Night to get the Smoke out of theHouse. 

Although she feared that she had turned up the wrong Street whilesearching for her Affinity, the Partnership Arrangement had to stand. 

They came to the Conclusion that Married Life is a Series ofCompromises. If he did well while sitting in with some of his Friends, he would divide up with her and she would take the Money and buy ArtPastels. 

He would spot the Afternoons on which the Ethical Researchers were dueat his Premises and he would go to a Dutch Restaurant. 

She permitted him to have a Room and call it his Den, so that he andhis Friends could do the Escape in case somebody in the Parlor starteda Reading. 

He put up the Coin to enable her to attend State Conventions, and whenshe was elected Recording Secretary of the Society for trying to findout what Browning was up to, he took her Picture around to all theNewspapers and told every one that he had a little Woman up at theHouse who was as Keen as a Hawk, as Swift as an Eagle, and Sharperthan Chained Lightning. 

[Illustration: _The Comanches. _]

He fumbled a great many of her In-Shoots, but that did not prevent himfrom admiring her Delivery. 

Finally they arranged their separate Schedules so that they didnot see much of each other and they began to get along all right. Occasionally they had a slight Difference, but they could always patchit up. For instance, she selected Aubrey De Courcey as a Name for theFirst Born, while he held out for Bill, so they had to compromise onAubrey De Courcey. 

Aubrey is now ten years of age. Mother is teaching him to Crochet andFather is showing him how to Draw without tipping off his Hand, whileall the Friends are sitting around, waiting to see Aubrey's Finish. 

 * * * * *

MORAL: The Two of a Kind is not always the Strongest Combination. 

 * * * * *

_THE SAMARITAN WHO GOT PARALYSIS OF THE HELPING HAND_

Once there was a moving Target who was strong on the Brotherhood ofMan. He ran a little Sunshine Factory all of his own. When it came toscattering Seeds of Kindness, the Farm Drill was a Poor Second. 

Every time he started down Town he would have to zigzag so as to coverboth sides of the Street and glad-hand all of his Acquaintances. 

From time to time he joined Fraternal Organizations and tookblistering Oaths that he would always love his Fellow-Man and standfor any Touch within Reason. Consequently a good many People found itcheaper to send for him than to hire a Professional Nurse. He wouldtravel Miles in order to have the Pleasure of sitting up with aCorpse. And he was one of the handiest Pall-Bearers in the Business. 

Any one who happened to be nursing a Hard-Luck Story would huntup sympathetic Jasper and give him the Grip and then weep on hisShoulder. Usually he promised to do what he could to square Matters, even though he had to cut in where he wasn't wanted. In flying around, trying to reinstate No-Goods who had lost their Jobs and secureSalaried Positions for Nice Fellows who were willing to do anythingexcept Work, he got many a Jolt, but he was not discouraged. 

One of his regular Assignments was to arbitrate a Domestic Scrap, merely out of the Goodness of his Heart. 

In this way he managed to re-unite quite a number of Couples who wereafterward sorry that they had been reuned, and what they said abouthim would get the Blue Pencil if inserted at this Point. 

When a kind-hearted Herring starts out to be a Relief Bureau and FirstAid to the Injured and a portable Home for the Friendless, nobodytries to take the Job away from him. His Acquaintances do what theycan to boost his Game. 

[Illustration: _A Touch. _]

Therefore when any one in that Community sought out a Busy Man ofAffairs and began to unwrap his Tale of Woe and offer to exhibit hiswounds, the B. M. Of A. Would say, "Here, I'll give you a Letter ofIntroduction to my old friend Jasper. He is a Samaritan from awayback. "

It came about that Jasper's Outer Office was frequently coagulatedwith a Choice Assortment of Pan-Handlers, and all the short-windedBrothers who want to hitch on to somebody's else Pull, as they say inBoston. 

At times Jasper would become weary of having Folks come along andturn their Private Griefs over to him, but he did not want to becomea Cynic and lose his Faith in Human Nature. He was frequently Stung, but still he could not resist any Appeal that was backed up by a fewWeeps. 

In the Course of Time he came into quite a Bundle of Money, and thenall the Bread that he had cast on the Waters came back to him, aBakery at a time. Those whom he had succored came around to Suckerhim. 

[Illustration: _The Promoter. _]

A Promoter whose Schemes he had guaranteed, because the Man's Childrenneeded Shoes, now had a Chance to show his Gratitude. He let Jasperin on the Ground Floor of a Company organized to manufacture anAutomobile that could be turned out of the Shop for $35 and would run90 Miles on a pint of Gasoline. 

Gentlemen who were getting along without Overcoats came in to see himabout Mining Stock that was sure to touch Par by January 1st. The onlyReason they came to him first, instead of tackling John W. Gates, wasthat he had always been a True Friend and they wanted to put him nextto a Good Thing. 

After one or two of these Gift Enterprises had been slipped to him, hebegan to back water and be a trifle Sore. Yet he found it very Hard tobe discourteous to one who came in and did the Brother Act. Besides, the Bunk who has the Joint Note already made out and ready to besigned, usually has a Talk calculated to make a Heart of Stone mellowto the Consistency of a Baked Apple. 

What really did more than any other one Thing to cure him of hisInnate Goodness was an Experience with a Sweet Girl who was beingcourted by a Hound quite unworthy of her. 

The unselfish Benefactor who tries to sidetrack Weddings that are sureto turn out unhappily is always a Candidate for the Hospital, with aLong Shot at the Morgue. 

The Sweet Girl in Question was the daughter of an Old Friend, forwhose Funeral Expenses he had been landed. She was a Confiding Thing, and did not know that the Bachelor who had started in to Rush herseven nights a Week was a Rounder and a Poker-Player and somewhat of aLush. 

Every one who knew the Sweet Girl said it was too Bad and that someone ought to go to her and warn her. After the Old Ladies and theElders had talked the Matter over on the side, it was decided thatJasper was It. He was known to be kind and disinterested and wasaccustomed to dealing out Good Advice. Anything that he said would goa long Way to head off the Deal. 

Accordingly he did a Fatherly Talk to the Daughter of his Old Friend, giving her a Straight Line on the Conduct of the High-Roller who wastrying to warm up to her. 

She thanked him right from the Bottom of her heart. Then she sent aMessenger Boy to hunt up the High-Roller, because she wanted to knowif it was all True or merely a Cruel Slander. 

When she sprung his Record on him he leaned right over against herand cried and said that no matter what he had been, she was the one tomake him a Good Man. Then she stroked his Hair and begged Forgivenessand he asked her who had been Knocking and she gave the whole Snapaway and begged him not to do anything Desperate. He said thatwhatever he did, he would do out of Love for her. 

After which he went home to oil up his Pocket Hardware. 

[Illustration: _Fatherly Advice. _]

Next Morning the Man who wanted to help Everybody did a Flying Leapdown the Back Stairway of his Office. Just as he ducked a Bullet andcut into the Alley back of the Post-Office, it occurred to him thatthe True Friend Gag had its Drawbacks. 

He escaped with his Life, but there was always more or less Dark Talkof his being mixed up in a Woman Case. 

He is now what is known in Obituary Notices as a PracticalPhilanthropist. That is, he refers all Hard-Luck Tales to a Societywhich was never known to give up. The Office Boy has Instructions toadmit only those who are listed in Bradstreet. And, of course, he isnever called in to smooth out Family Fights because of the Blot on hisCharacter. 

 * * * * *

MORAL: TO be a successful Benefactor, wait and put the whole Lump Suminto Libraries. 

 * * * * *

_THE EFFORT TO CONVERT THE WORK HORSE INTO A HIGH-STEPPER_

Once there was a plain, unvarnished Yank who made his Pile in a ScrubTown situated midday between the Oats Belt and the Tall Timber. He wasa large and sandy Mortal with a steel-trap Jaw and a cold glitteringEye. He made his first Stack a Dollar at a Time on straight Deals, butafter a while he learned a few Things. He organized Stock Companiesand then crawled out after hooking up with the Velvet. Every onecalled him Mister and treated him with Politeness, but, just the same, when he walked into an Office Building they all wondered what he hadcome after and there was more or less locking of Safes. It is onlyfair to remark, on the Side, that he wouldn't take anything which wassecurely spiked down, and the Grand Jury never bothered him, becausehe worked under a Contract. 

The Financier was the high Centre Pole of a Bank and a DepartmentStore and several Factories that gave Young People a Start in theWorld at something like $2. 75 per Week. 

He was accustomed to having all the Subordinates stand on one Footand tremble whenever he showed up. In fact, he was a very heftyProposition all through the Business District. But when he struck theStreet leading to his House he began to reef his Sails and lower allof his Flags. 

In his own Domicile he did not even play Second Fiddle. He simplytrailed along at the fag end of the Parade and carried the Music. The Piercing Eye and the Peremptory Manner that caused all theBook-keepers to fall off from their High Perches and prostratethemselves had no visible effect on Laura and the Girls. Popsy was aHigh Guy at the Directors' Meeting, but a mighty cheap Soufflé at hisown Fireside. Any time that his Plans did not coincide with those ofthe Feminine Bunch, they passed him a backhanded Veto that would causehim to lie quiet for Days at a time. 

[Illustration: _Scrub Town. _]

The Financier loved the boundless West, where the Sack Coat aboundsand the Cuss-Word is a common Heritage. Domestic Cigars were goodenough for him, and he figured that one good reliable Hired Girlwho knew how to cook Steak was all the Help that was needed in anyHouse. But Mother had seen Fifth Avenue in a Dream, and the Girls hadattended a Boarding School at which nearly every one knew some one whowas Prominent Socially. They had done a lot of Hard Work at the Pianoand taken a side-hold on the French Language and it seemed to themthat they were wasting their Time in loitering on the Outskirts ofCivilization when they might be up at Headquarters cutting more orless of a Gash. All the Young Men in this Reub Town wore Derbieswith their Evening Clothes and came to Dances with their White Glovessmelling of Gasoline, in addition to which they lacked Repose. If theyhad stopped to cultivate Repose, most of them would have landed in theVilla set aside for Paupers. 

When Laura and the Girls first advocated pulling up Stakes and doinga tall Hike to the East, the Producer emitted a Roar that would havefrightened any one except Laura and the Girls. They closed in on himfrom three Directions and beat down his Defence. When they got throughwith the living Meal Ticket he was as meek as an English Servant andready to take orders from any one. 

So the Caravansary moved away toward the Rising Sun. At Wilkesbarre, Pennsylvania, the Heavens opened and a Great Light struck down uponthem, transforming all except the one who happened to carry the Letterof Credit. Laura and the Girls suddenly forgot that there was any Landwest of Pittsburg, and they dropped their R's and got the KangarooWalk and began to order their Food in Foreign Languages. After that, all Father had to do was to follow along and look Pleasant and digevery few Minutes. 

The Outfit stopped at the Waldorf three days so as to obtain aResidence, and after that they Registered as being from New York. Thenthey threw Papa on a Boat and took him to the Other Side, the Placewhere Americans are so Popular, if you don't care what you say. Bypaying off the Mortgage they obtained a Suite at a Hotel patronized bythe Nobility and Gentry and supported by People from Iowa. After whichthey began to present Letters of Introduction and try to butt in. Laura and the Girls felt that if only they could eat a Meal once ortwice in the gloomy Presence of those who had Handles to their Names, they would be ready to fall back and die Happy. They had some Troubleabout getting into the Tall Game on account of their Money. In theStates the general Run of People worship the Almighty Dollar, but inEngland they hate the Sight of it. 

In spite of the Fact that they were sinfully Rich they succeeded inElbowing their way into several Dinners at which it was necessary toput Ice into the Claret in order to keep it at the Temperature ofthe Room. The Financier, in his First Part Clothes with an Ice-CreamWeskit, was a Picture that no Artist could paint. His hair would notstay combed and he hardly ever knew what to do with his Hands. 

[Illustration: _Laura's Ambition. _]

Laura and the Girls could forget that they had once seen the MissouriRiver, but not so with Old Ready Money. Right at the Table, sittingopposite the Earl of Hammersmith or the Marquis of Stroke-on-Trent, while Laura and the Girls would be talking about their Country Placeand trying to smother the American Accent, the Lobsterine would comein and tell about something that happened to him once when he wasplowing Corn. Then Laura and the Girls would want to duck right underthe Table and die of Mortification then and there. 

The only Reason they put up with him was that he seemed to be usefulwhen it came to signing Checks. 

In England they met a great many Nice People. The Financier knew thatthey were Nice because they wore Dark Clothes and seldom Smiled. 

Then the two shapely Daughters went and married a couple of shelf-wornTitles. 

The Financier had the Novel Experience of putting up for a Brace ofSons-in-Law who would not speak to him when any one was around. Whichserved him right, for he had no Business to be in Trade. It was verycareless of him not to have inherited his Stuff. 

Still, it was a great Satisfaction to him to be a Blood Relative oftwo Howling Swells who had Pedigrees reaching back almost as far astheir Debts. 

Very often he would take them into a Back Room and turn them aroundand look them over and recognize the cold, undeniable Fact that theywere cheap at any Price. 

 * * * * *

MORAL: Bunker Hill has been Avenged, over and over. 

 * * * * *

_SELF-MADE HEZEKIAH AND HIS MESSAGE OF HOPE TO THIS YEARS CROP OFGRADUATES_

In Wayback Township, along in the Thirties, there arrived a12-pounder. When he was three days old he was exhibited to a Bunch inthe Front Room by an Old Lady who had made a Study of Colic. She wasa Baby Expert who always broke in to do considerable heavy standingaround and calling off when there was a lift in the Population. 

While little Ipsy-Wipsy was being inspected, he opened one Eye andspotted a silver Half-Dollar that the Honorary Nurse wore as a Brooch. Immediately he closed in on it. They had to choke him to make him letgo. In after Years it was remarked that this was the only time that hewent after the Coin and failed to bring it home. 

The Baby never had any Tantrums at Night because he had overheardthem say that it cost $2 every time Doc was called in. He would liequietly in his Crib for Hours at a time looking up at the Ceiling andcomputing Compound Interest on the $5 Gold Piece that had been put inthe Bank, to be drawn out when he should be 21. 

His Parents gave him a Biblical Name so so as to make him a strongCome-On for Investors who belong to the Pious Element. Hezekiah Hooperis what they christened him. They wanted a Name that would carryweight on a Letter-Head and reassure the Soft Mark who was about tosink his Funds in a Mining Venture with a Guarantee of 48 per cent. Dividends. 

At the age of 4 Hezekiah sat down and figured that if he devoted hisLife to Physical Toil, he might some day be the Owner of a six-roomcottage fully protected by a Mortgage, whereas if he wore a WhiteShirt and kept busy with the Pencil, he might be Rich enough someday to land in the Senate. So he went out looking for Work to hand toother People, thus becoming what the Campaign Orator calls a Captainof Industry. 

If a man wanted the Weeds pulled from his Garden, then Hez would takethe Job for 25 cents. He would buy 5 cents worth of Stick Candy andplace it judiciously, so that at Nightfall the other boys would haveBlisters and the Stomach-Ache, while Hez would have 20 cents saltedaway in the Tin Bank. 

When he was still a Young Man he made the Important Discovery thatthe honest Laborer who digs Post-Holes for 11 Hours at a Stretch gets$1. 25 in the Currency of the Realm, while the Brain-Worker who leadsout a Spavined Horse and puts in 20 Minutes at tall Bunko Work, canclean up $14. 50 and then sit on the Porch all Afternoon, reading "TheLives of the Saints. "

Also Hezekiah led up to the Altar a Hold-Over whose Eyes refused towork as a Duet and whose Figure had all of the graceful Ins andOuts of a Flag-Pole, but she owned half of the Land in the Township. Hezekiah said something about the Beauty that fadeth even as a Flower, and then he connected with her Property. 

[Illustration: _Hezekiah. _]

When grim-visaged War showed its awful Front, Hezekiah went down tothe Court-House and hollered for the Union until he was black in theFace. He showed all the emotional Farm Hands where to sign their Namesand promised to keep them supplied with Blue Overcoats, Beans, NavyPlug and Hard Tack until the whole Works had been saved. Every timethere was a new Call for Men, he took a firmer hold on the CommissaryDepartment and began to gouge the Government in a new Place. 

The Heroes who came home full of Malaria and Lead were met at theStation by Hezekiah, who had grown a Chin Whisker and was sportinga White Vest. He gave each one a Card announcing that all of ourcountry's Brave Defenders who had failed to become well fixed on $13per, would get what Money they needed at 2 per cent. A Month, withReal Estate as Security. 

[Illustration: _This Year's Crop. _]

By going through Bankruptcy, side-stepping the Assessor, working theFarmers for a Railroad Bonus, handling the Funds for denominationalColleges and putting the double Hammer-Lock on the Small Fry who hadNotes falling due, Hezekiah accumulated a Wad that put him into theMillionaire's Division. 

He and other old Gentlemen with pink Jowls and cold fishy Eyes wouldoccasionally meet in some Directors' Room, finished in Mahogany. TheMeeting would be opened with Prayer, after which they would discussWays and Means of putting the Inter-State Commerce Law to the Bad, squaring the Legislature without passing over any of the Stuffthemselves and handing the Public the Short End of it. 

Having arrived at this Proud Eminence, Hezekiah was ripe to springsome Advice to Young Men. Any Patriarch who has slipped the Tall Mittto the entire Universe and dealt from both Ends of the Deck is theReal Boy when it comes to laying down Rules of Conduct for the PaleYouth who wants an $8 Job. So Hezekiah Hooper, the Eminent Financier, who never smoked a Cigar, never took a Drink and never asked anybodyelse to do either, was invited to address the Class of Naughty-Threeat the Local Business College. 

He sat on the Rostrum wearing Black Broadcloth, betokening Virtue, andin addition to his ancient Trade-Marks, the White Shirt and the WhiteVest, he had a White Bow Tie. As he sat there in conscious Rectitude, wondering if the Congressional Investigation would harm the BeefTrust, it could be seen at a Glance that he would never take anythingthat was too heavy to carry, unless he had a Dray. 

The studious Young Gentlemen who had been preparing themselves togo out into the Great World and draw Car-Fare as Book-Keepers andStenographers, looked up at Honest Hezekiah and said, "This is wherehe puts us next to the Recipe for Getting There. "

At last the Honored Guest arose and told the Class that the YoungMan who wishes to succeed must be Upright, Frugal, Industrious, andPatriotic. He considered it the Duty of every Young Man to acceptwhatever Compensation was offered him and be Content, for as soon ashe began to earn more his Employer would come around and put it in hisPocket. Above all, he must love his Country and let Integrity be hisWatchword and remember that a Good Name is better than Riches, even ifother People don't think so. Then he sat down without batting an Eyeand every member of the Class of '03 knew just how to go out and pileup a Million. 

 * * * * *

MORAL: What's more, they believe it themselves. 

 * * * * *

_THE GIRL WHO TOOK NOTES AND GOT WISE AND THEN FELL DOWN_

Once upon a Time there was a long-headed Girl who used to sit inher own Room on Rainy Afternoons and evolve Theories. Her principalAmbition in Life was to stand Ace High with all the Nice Men of herSet. She hoped in the course of Time to tease one away from the Droveand gallop him into the Branding Pen. 

Now this Girl was so Foxy that at times she got in front of herselfand blocked off her own Plays. Her scheme for getting all the RealBoys intoxified with Love for her was to engage them in Conversationand find out what kind of Girls they liked. Then her Play was to bethat Kind. She had no Difficulty whatever in inducing her Men Friendsto talk about the Opposite Sex. They were all keyed up on the Subjectand full of Information. Just as a Feeler one Evening she asked aneligible Charley if he didn't think that the Woman of To-day was tooExtravagant. 

"That's just why so many of us shy at the Matrimonial Jump, " heconfided to her. "There was a time when the Man who got $75 perMonth and had about $200 planted could take a Chance at the Game. But now that measly Allowance wouldn't keep a High Roller suppliedwith Violets. The up-to-date Maudine isn't happy unless she has aGray-Squirrel Coat, an Auto Car, $11, 000 worth of Twinklers and afourteen-room Apartment. That's why these Society Shawl-Holders keepon making Love right and left but never come down to Cases. "

This was a valuable Tip, so the crafty Maiden put it down in herlittle Note-Book that she who would make a Hit must convince the Menthat her Tastes were simple and inexpensive. Another one gave hera learned Talk on the frivolity and Two-by-Fourness of the typicalSeraphine. 

[Illustration: _Nice Men. _]

"You cannot expect a Man to hand over his serious Affections to one ofthese Feather-Heads, " he said, as he gazed thoughtfully at the Floor. "Woman should be Man's Intellectual Helpmeet. Now and then a Manmay have a Passing Fancy for a Lizzie who talks Piffle and gets anAttack of the Giggles every few Seconds, but when it comes to thegrand Hook-Up he wants one who is there with the Gray Matter--one whocan play up to his loftiest Ambitions and supply his Home with thatAtmosphere of Culture which is the true Ozone of Married Life. "

So she put it down that it was her Cue to chop out the Twaddle and bea sort of Lady Emerson. Incidentally she resolved to cut out all kindsof Slang, for she got a very straight Line of Talk from an AmateurPhilosopher who was in the Wholesale Grocery Business. 

"If there's anything that gives me a quick, shooting Pain it is tohear some delicate Nectarine dealing out Slang, " said Mr. GentlemanFriend. "Now in England, where I spent Two Weeks once, the Ladiesnever use Slang. They simply say that a Thing is either PerfectlyCharming or Most Extraordinary and let it go at that. They may beShort on Vocabulary, but they are Long on Respectability. Besides, Iwas reading in a Magazine the other Day that Slang is Vulgar and thatno one should take up with a Slang Word until Long Usage has given itthe right to break into the Lexicon. "

[Illustration: _Rules of Conduct. _]

Also this Girl with the Absorbent Mind would clip out Hints to theYoung, and Confidential Charts warning the Just-Outs against takingPresents from Strangers and putting them next to Rules of Conductthat would be sure to please and fascinate Proper Young Men. It seemedstrange at Times that these Head Coaches who knew just how to jollyup any Man were not out spending some Millionaire's Money instead ofwriting Pieces for the Paper. 

All the Articles on the Woman's Page and all the strait-laced Menthat she met came down Hard on the Female who is trying to be a RealBohemian. She learned from a dozen different Sources that Men have noearthly Use for the Zipper who tries to do a Mile in less than Twoand kites around in a Hack without a Chaperon and carries her ownCigarettes. 

And she heard nothing but Expressions of Horror concerning the Womanwho Drinks. Her Male acquaintances often brought up the PainfulSubject. They said it was all right for a Man to move up to a HighBall once in a While, and a Cocktail before Dinner didn't do anyHarm until after the Seventh or Eighth. But it did look Tough to seeMere Children of about twenty-three Years of Age going after the DryManhattans. 

After sounding the Men on the Liquor Question the long-headed Girlmade a solemn Resolve that she would never hit up anything strongerthan Cherry Sundae. 

When she had her Note Book full of useful Directions she found aChance to try out her System. She was invited to a Swell Dinner Partyat which all the Nice Men in Town were to be rounded up. She put ona simple White Gown and wore a Rose in her Hair, and just beforestarting she locked all of her Slang words in the Escritoire, whateverthat may be. 

At the Dinner she sat next to a Bachelor who had Nothing But. Shetalked to him about the Panama Canal, just to show that she was noPiker. When he wanted her to take some of the Phizz Water she made anAwful Stand and seemed surprised that he should think that of her. 

This did not prevent him from splashing in. By the time the Birds camealong he had accumulated a very neat Brannigan, and was paying a lotof Attention to a wonderful Piece of Work sitting opposite. She worea Red Costume that must have cost $7, 000, and although she was verygabby and called the Men by their First Names and invited all who werenot Quitters to stand by for a Bumper, she was making fair Headway. Infact, she seemed to have the Bunch with her. 

The Wise Girl figured that they were tolerating her out of merePoliteness. Later on, in the Drawing Room, they continued to tolerateher the best they knew how. The Girl with the Book of Rules played asad little Opus on the Piano, after which the Steeple-Chaser in Redleaped on top of the Instrument and tore out Coon Stuff with eight menturning the Music for her. 

And these were the Eight who had told the Girl back in the Corner allabout the Qualities in Woman that would help to attract Men. She wenthome thinking it over and the next time she started for a Dinner, sheadded a Dash of Red and a few Brilliants to the Costume and cut looseup to a reasonable Limit. She got along first-rate, even though shewas doing a lot of Things that none of the Men approve, but somehowlove to put up with. 

 * * * * *

MORAL: He can always pick out the Right Kind for the Other Fellow. 

 * * * * *

_WHAT THEY HAD LAID OUT FOR THEIR VACATION_

A man who had three weeks of Vacation coming to him began to get busywith an Atlas about April 1st. He and his Wife figured that by keepingon the Jump they could do Niagara, Thousand Islands, Atlantic City, The Mammoth Cave and cover the Great Lakes. 

On April 10th they decided to charter a House-Boat and float down theMississippi. 

On April 20th he heard of a Cheap Excursion to California with astop-over Privilege at every Station and they began to read up on SaltLake and Yellowstone. 

On May 1st she flashed a Prospectus of a Northern Lake Resort whereBoats and Minnows were free and Nature was ever smiling. 

By May 10th he had drawn a Blue Pencil all over a Folder of theAdirondack Region, and all the Hotel Rates were set down in his PocketMemorandum Book. 

[Illustration: _Getting Busy With an Atlas. _]

Ten days later she vetoed the Mountain Trip because she had got nextto a Nantucket Establishment where Family Board was $6 a Week, withthe use of a Horse. 

On June 1st a Friend showed him how, by making two Changes and hiringa Canoe, he could penetrate the Deep Woods, where the Foot of Man hadnever Trod and the Black Bass came to the Surface and begged to betaken out. 

On June 15th he and Wifey packed up and did the annual Hike up toUncle Foster's Place in Brown County, where they ate with the HiredHand and had Greens three times a Day. There were no Screens on theWindows, but by climbing a Hill they could get a lovely View of thePike that ran over to the County Seat. 

 * * * * *

MORAL: If Summer came in the Spring there would be a lot of Travel. 

 * * * * *

_THE EXPERIMENTAL COUPLE AND THE THREE OFF-SHOOTS_

A man and Wife had three Sons. The first, named Abraham LincolnTibbetts, was born in 1862. His name was promptly abbreviated to Link. 

The second, who arrived in 1872, was christened Ulysses Simpson GrantTibbetts. This was too long, so people called him Chub. 

The third was of the Vintage of 1882 and his name went into theRegister as Chester A. Arthur Tibbetts, but, in the interest ofEuphony he was dubbed Art, because Art is Long. 

The Tibbetts Family lived in the City, and Link, the first-born, enjoyed all the Advantages of Life in an Apartment Building. He wentto a Graded School and picked up so much Knowledge that at the age of12 he could set his Parents down in front of him and tell them Thingsthey did not know. At 14 he was so far along that he knew how to liein Bed and have his Mother bring his Breakfast up to him. He went toDancing School and learned to play all the "Pinafore" music on theUpright Agony Box. Sometimes he chided Mr. And Mrs. Tibbetts for nothaving as much Money as many of the People he met at Dancing Parties. He had about as much Application as a used-up Porous Plaster, andhe worried more about his Complexion than he did about his BusinessProspects. 

Mr. Tibbetts gave him a Desk at the Office and called him AssistantSomething. His Duties consisted of looking at the Clock and writingNotes to the Gazelles he had met the Night before. If he had been setout on the Pavement and told to Root for himself, it would have brokenhim of the habit of Eating. 

Link was whatever they called a Lobster in 1880. Mr. Tibbettsrealized that City Life had an enervating Effect on Boys and made themSuperficial and Wise in their own Conceit. 

[Illustration: _Link. _]

Chub was 8 years old and had not yet succumbed to the Matinee Habit, so his Parents decided to ship him out to the Green Fields and keephim there until he had developed a Character. Mr. And Mrs. Tibbettsknew that all the Men of Sterling Worth, mentioned in PoliticalBiographies, had been raised on the Farm. They figured that if Chubcould be left in the Country to run with the Live Stock, he would growup to be a Sturdy and self-reliant Character, with no hankering forSoda Water and the Military Schottische. 

Therefore Chub was sent out to live with Uncle Jabez Quackenbush, anAgriculturalist who owned 480 Acres and was still wearing the ArmyOvercoat that the Government had given him when the War broke out. Chub slept on a Feather Tick up in a Room where they had the Seed Cornhung on the Rafters. Uncle Jabe would yank him out at 4. 30 G. M. Andkeep him in the Field until the early Candle-Lighting, so that usuallyhe had two Meals in the Dark. On Sunday he and the Hired Help wouldsit in the Hay-Mow and read Almanacs. In the Winter he attended aDistrict School and learned to bound Patagonia, but he did not go toany demoralizing Shows nor learn to pick up flip Slang. 

[Illustration: _Chub. _]

When he was 18, he seemed to be past the Danger Period, so Uncle Jabetook him to the Train and told the Conductor where to put him off. Onthe way back to the City he bought an oval Box of Figs from the TrainBoy and lost his Hat out of the Window. When he arrived at Home andentered the House, it sounded like a Crowd coming in. His Mother tookone Look and fell backward. There was a Neutral Zone between his Vestand Trousers. Also he had been raising Warts on himself. 

For two Months after he arrived they kept him under Cover forfear the Neighbors would see him. He gave way at the Knees everytime he stepped. If a member of the Opposite Sex spoke to him, heusually backed into something Breakable. At the Table he did aSword-Swallowing Act and drank out of the Saucer. 

"We made a mistake in leaving him so long in the Tall Grass, " said Mr. Tibbetts. "But now that we have tried the two Extremes, we know justwhat to do with Art. We shall send him to a small Town, where he mayassociate with bright Youth of his own age and yet be away from thedistracting and corrupting Influences of the Big City. "

Accordingly Art was farmed out to a Cousin residing in a drowsyCorporation of about 1, 500 Souls, figuratively speaking. He went tothe Grammar School and what he didn't learn at School he learnedin Back Alleys and Box Cars. However, his Parents were happy in theKnowledge that he was beyond the influence of the gaudy Play House, the gilded Buffet and the seductive Dancing Academy. He was outwhere nothing happened unless the Boys started it themselves. So theystarted it. 

When he was twenty he was sent to the City, an extra fine Specimen ofwhat the Small Town can produce. He had his Hair combed down into hisEyes. He wore a punky little Derby, about two sizes too small. Theturn-down Collar was four inches high, and he wore a navy-blue Cravatwith a copper Butterfly for a Scarf-Pin. Furthermore, he had a Suit ofClothes that was intended for a gentle Brakeman. On his Lapel he had aButton Photograph of the Girl who worked in the Millinery Store. 

"Are you made up for a Masquerade or is this the regular Costume?"asked his Father. 

"'Go 'Way Back and Set Down, '" replied Art, for he knew his VillageRepartee and was on to all of last year's Gags. 

"What do you propose to do for yourself?" asked Mr. Tibbetts. 

"I want to travel with a Circus or Minstrel Troupe and I don't muchcare which, " replied Art. 

As the Boy appeared to be somewhat Lumpy about the Pockets, his Fatherthrew him down and searched him, finding on his Person, a $2 Revolver, a Package of Cigaroots, a 1-lb. Plug of Tobacco, a Deck of PlayingCards, a Copy of "Old Sleuth" and a Pair of Brass Knucks. 

[Illustration: _Art. _]

"I have underrated the Educational Facilities of the Jay Town, "said Mr. Tibbetts. "Link is door-keeper in a Dime Museum and Chub isputting in Coal for an old and well-known Firm, but I can see that youare going to outshine your Brothers. You are going to develop into afirst-class Burglar. "

 * * * * *

MORAL: Keep him in a Barrel. 

 * * * * *