OLD JABE'S MARITAL EXPERIMENTS

By Thomas Nelson Page

Charles Scribner's Sons New York, 1908

Copyright, 1891, 1904, 1906

Old Jabe belonged to the Meriwethers, a fact which he never forgot orallowed anyone else to forget; and on this he traded as a capital, which paid him many dividends of one kind or another, among them being adividend in wives. How many wives he had had no one knew; and Jabe's ownaccount was incredible. It would have eclipsed Henry VIII and Bluebeard. But making all due allowance for his arithmetic, he must have run theseworthies a close second. He had not been a specially good "hand" beforethe war, and was generally on unfriendly terms with the overseers. They used to say that he was a "slick-tongued loafer, " and "the laziestnigger on the place. " But Jabe declared, in defiance, that he had beenon the plantation before any overseer ever put his foot there, and hewould outstay the last one of them all, which, indeed, proved to betrue. The overseers disappeared with the end of Slavery, but Jaberemained "slick-tongued, " oily, and humorous, as before. 

When, at the close of the war, the other negroes moved away, Jabez, after a brief outing, "took up" a few acres on the far edge of theplantation, several miles from the house, and settled down to spendthe rest of his days, on what he called his "place, " in such easeas constant application to his old mistress for aid and a frequentlyrenewed supply of wives could give. 

Jabe's idea of emancipation was somewhat one-sided. He had all theprivileges of a freed-man, but lost none of a slave. He was free, buthis master's condition remained unchanged: he still had to support him, when Jabez chose to call on him, and Jabez chose to call often. 

"Ef I don' come to you, who is I got to go to!" he demanded. 

This was admitted to be a valid argument, and Jabez lived, if not on thefat of the land, at least on the fat of his former mistress's kitchen, with such aid as his current wife could furnish. 

He had had several wives before the war, and was reputed to be none toogood to them, a fact which was known at home only on hearsay; for healways took his wives from plantations at a distance from his home. 

The overseers said that he did this so that he could get off to go tohis "wife's house, " and thus shirk work; the other servants said itwas because the women did not know him so well as those at home, and hecould leave them when he chose. 

Jabez assigned a different reason:

"It don' do to have your wife live too nigh to you; she 'll want t' knowtoo much about you, an' you can't never git away from her"--a bit ofphilosophy the soundness of which must be left to married men. 

However it was, his reputation did not interfere with his ability toprocure a new wife as often as occasion arose. With Jabez the supply wasever equal to the demand. 

Mrs. Meriwether, his old mistress, was just telling me of him one dayin reply to a question of mine as to what had become of him; for I hadknown him before the war. 

"Oh! he is living still, and he bids fair to outlast the whole coloredfemale sex. He is a perfect Bluebeard. He has had I do not know how manywives and I heard that his last wife was sick. They sent for my son, Douglas, the doctor, not long ago to see her. However, I hope she isbetter as he has not been sent for again. "

At this moment, by a coincidence, the name of Jabez was brought in by amaid. 

"Unc' Jabez, m'm. "

That was all; but the tone and the manner of the maid told that Jabezwas a person of note with the messenger; every movement and glance wereself-conscious. 

"That old--! He is a nuisance! What does he want now? Is his wife worse, or is he after a new one?"

"I d' n' kn', m'm, " said the maid, sheepishly, twisting her body andlooking away, to appear unconcerned. "Would n' tell me. He ain' after_me!_

"Well, tell him to go to the kitchen till I send for him. Or--wait:if his wife 's gone, he 'll be courting the cook if I send him to thekitchen. And I don't want to lose her just now. Tell him to come to thedoor. "

"Yes, 'm. " The maid gave a half-suppressed giggle, which almost becamean explosion as she said something to herself and closed the door. It sounded like, "Dressed up might'ly--settin' up to de cook now, Ib'lieve. "

There was a slow, heavy step without, and a knock at the back door; andon a call from his mistress, Jabez entered, bowing low, very pompous andserious. He was a curious mixture of assurance and conciliation, as hestood there, hat in hand. He was tall and black and bald, with whiteside-whiskers cut very short, and a rim of white wool around his head. He was dressed in an old black coat, and held in his hand an ancientbeaver hat around which was a piece of rusty crape. 

"Well, Jabez?" said his mistress, after the salutations were over, "Howare you getting along!"

"Well, mist'is, not very well, not at all well, ma'am. Had mighty badluck. 'Bout my wife, " he added, explanatorily. He pulled down his lips, and looked the picture of solemnity. 

I saw from Mrs. Meriwether's mystified look that she did not know whathe considered "bad luck. " She could not tell from his reference whetherhis wife was better or worse. 

"Is she--ah? What--oh--how is Amanda?" she demanded finally, to solvethe mystery. 

"Mandy! Lord! 'm, 'Mandy was two back. She 's de one runned away wid TomHalleck, an' lef' me. I don't know how _she_ is. I never went ahterher. I wuz re-ally glad to git shet o' her. She was too expansive. Datooman want two frocks a year. When dese women begin to dress up so much, a man got to look out. Dee ain't always dressin' fer _you!_"

"Indeed!" But Mrs. Meriwether's irony was lost on Jabez. 

"Yes, 'm; dat she did! Dis one 's name was Sairey. " He folded his handsand waited, the picture of repose and contentment. 

"Oh, yes. So; true. I 'd forgotten that 'Mandy left you. But I thoughtthe new one was named Susan!" observed Mrs. Meriwether. 

"No, 'm; not de _newes_' one. Susan--I had her las' Christmas; but shewould n' stay wid me. She was al'ays runnin' off to town; an' you know aman don' want a ooman on wheels. Ef de Lawd had intended a ooman to havewheels, he 'd 'a' gi'n 'em to her, would n' he?"

"Well, I suppose he would, " assented Mrs. Meriwether. "And this one isSarah? Well, how is----?"

"Yes, 'm; dis one was Sairey. " We just caught the past tense. 

"You get them so quickly, you see, you can't expect one to rememberthem, " said Mrs. Meriwether, frigidly. She meant to impress Jabez; butJabez remained serene. 

"Yes, 'm; dat 's so, " said he, cheerfully. "I kin hardly remember 'emmyself. "

"No, I suppose not. " His mistress grew severe. "Well, how 's Sarah?"

"Well, m'm, I could n' exactly say--Sairey she 's done lef me--yes, 'm. "He looked so cheerful that his mistress said with asperity:

"Left you! She has run off, too! You must have treated her badly?"

"No, 'm. I did n'. I never had a wife I treated better. I let her hadall she could eat; an' when she was sick----"

"I heard she was sick. I heard you sent for the doctor. "

"Yes, 'm; dat I did--dat 's what I was gwine to tell you. I had a doctorto see her _twice_. I had two separate and _indifferent_ physicians:fust Dr. Overall, an' den Marse Douglas. I could n' do no mo' 'n dat, now, could I?"

"Well, I don't know, " observed Mrs. Meriwether. "My son told me a weekago that she was sick. Did she get well?"

The old man shook his head solemnly. 

"No, 'm; but she went mighty easy. Marse Douglas he eased her off. He isthe bes' doctor I ever see to let 'em die easy. "

Mingled with her horror at his cold-blooded recital, a smile flickeredabout Mrs. Meriwether's mouth at this shot at her son, the doctor; butthe old man looked absolutely innocent. 

"Why did n 't you send for the doctor again?" she demanded. 

"Well, m'm, I gin her two chances. I think dat was 'nough. I wuz rightfond o' Sairey; but I declar' I 'd rather lost Sairey than to _broke_. "

"You would!" Mrs. Meriwether sat up and began to bristle. "Well, atleast, you have the expense of her funeral; and I 'm glad of it, " sheasserted with severity. 

"Dat 's what I come over t' see you 'bout. I 'm gwine to give Sairey afine fun'ral. I want you to let yo' cook cook me a cake an'--one or twomore little things. "

"Very well, " said Mrs. Meriwether, relenting somewhat; "I will tell herto do so. I will tell her to make you a good cake. When do you want it?"

"Thank you m'm. Yes, m'm; ef you 'll gi' me a right good-sizedcake--an'--a loaf or two of flour-bread--an'--a ham, I 'll be very muchobleeged to you. I heah she 's a mighty good cook?"

"She is, " said Mrs. Meriwether; "the best I 've had in a long time. "She had not caught the tone of interrogation in his voice, nor seen theshrewd look in his face, as I had done. Jabez appeared well satisfied. 

"I 'm mighty glad to heah you give her sech a good character; I heahedyou 'd do it. I don' know her very well. "

Mrs. Meriwether looked up quickly enough to catch his glance this time. 

"Jabez--I know nothing about her character, " she began coldly. "I knowshe has a vile temper; but she is an excellent cook, and so long as sheis not impudent to me, that is all I want to know. "

Jabez bowed approvingly. 

"Yes, 'm; dat 's right. Dat 's all I want t' know. I don' keer nothin''bout de temper; atter I git 'em, I kin manage 'em. I jist want t'know 'bout de char-ącter, dat 's all. I did n' know her so well, an'I thought I 'd ax you. I tolt her ef you 'd give her a good char-ącter, she might suit me; but I 'd wait fer de cake--_an_' de ham. "

His mistress rose to her feet. 

"Jabez, do you mean that you have spoken to that woman already!"

"Well, yes, 'm; but not to say _speak_ to her. I jes kind o' mentionedit to her as I 'd inquire as to her char-ącter. "

"And your wife has been gone--how long! Two days!"

"Well, mist'is, she 's gone fer good, ain't she!" demanded Jabez. "Shecan't be no mo' gone!"

"You are a wicked, hardened old sinner!" declared the old lady, vehemently. 

"Nor, I ain't, mist'is; I clar' I ain't, " protested Jabez, withunruffled front. 

"You treat your wives dreadfully. "

"Nor, I don't, mist'is. You ax 'em ef I does. Ef I did, dee would n'be so many of 'em anxious t' git me. Now, would dee? I can start in an'beat a' one o' dese young bloods aroin' heah, now. " He spoke with pride. 

"I believe that is so, and I cannot understand it. And before oneof them is in her grave you are courting another. It is horrid--anold--Methuselah like you. " She paused to take breath, and Jabez availedhimself of the pause. 

"Dat 's de reason I got t' do things in a kind o' hurry--I ain' noMethuselum. I got no time t' wait. "

"Jabez, " said Mrs. Meriwether, seriously, "tell me how you manage tofool all these women. "

The old man pondered for a moment. 

"Well, I declar, ' mist'is, I hardly knows how. Dee wants to be fooled. I think it is becuz dee wants t' see what de urrs marry me fer, an' whatdee done lef' me. Woman is mighty curi-some folk. "

I have often wondered since if this was really the reason.