NOTE-BOOK OF ANTON CHEKHOV

Translated by S. S. KOTELIANSKY and LEONARD WOOLF

1921

This volume consists of notes, themes, and sketches for works whichAnton Chekhov intended to write, and are characteristic of the methodsof his artistic production. Among his papers was found a series ofsheets in a special cover with the inscription: "Themes, thoughts, notes, and fragments. " Madame L. O. Knipper-Chekhov, Chekhov's wife, also possesses his note-book, in which he entered separate themesfor his future work, quotations which he liked, etc. If he used anymaterial, he used to strike it out in the note-book. The significancewhich Chekhov attributed to this material may be judged from the factthat he recopied most of it into a special copy book. 

ANTON CHEKHOV'S DIARY. 

1896

My neighbor V. N. S. Told me that his uncle Fet-Shenshin, the famouspoet, when driving through the Mokhovaia Street, would invariably letdown the window of his carriage and spit at the University. He wouldexpectorate and spit: Bah! His coachman got so used to this that everytime he drove past the University, he would stop. 

In January I was in Petersburg and stayed with Souvorin. I oftensaw Potapenko. Met Korolenko. I often went to the Maly Theatre. As Alexander [Chekhov's brother] came downstairs one day, B. V. G. Simultaneously came out of the editorial office of the _NovoyeVremya_ and said to me indignantly: "Why do you set the old man(i. E. Souvorin) against Burenin?" I have never spoken ill of thecontributors to the _Novoye Vremya_ in Souvorin's presence, although Ihave the deepest disrespect for the majority of them. 

In February, passing through Moscow, I went to see L. N. Tolstoi. Hewas irritated, made stinging remarks about the _décadents_, and foran hour and a half argued with B. Tchitcherin, who, I thought, talkednonsense all the time. Tatyana and Mary [Tolstoi's daughters] laidout a patience; they both wished, and asked me to pick a card out;I picked out the ace of spades separately for each of them, and thatannoyed them. By accident there were two aces of spades in the pack. Both of them are extraordinarily sympathetic, and their attitude totheir father is touching. The countess denounced the painter Gé allthe evening. She too was irritated. 

May 5. The sexton Ivan Nicolayevitch brought my portrait, which he haspainted from a photograph. In the evening V. N. S. Brought his friend N. He is director of the Foreign Department . .. Editor of a magazine . .. And doctor of medicine. He gives the impression of being an unusuallystupid person and a reptile. He said: "There's nothing more perniciouson earth than a rascally liberal paper, " and told us that, apparently, the peasants whom he doctors, having got his advice and medicine freeof charge, ask him for a tip. He and S. Speak of the peasants withexasperation and loathing. 

June 1. I was at the Vagankov Cemetery and saw the graves there ofthe victims of the Khodinka. [During the coronation of Nicholas IIin Moscow hundreds of people were crushed to death in the KhodinkaFields. ] I. Pavlovsky, the Paris correspondent of the _Novoye Vremya_, came with me to Melikhovo. 

August 4. Opening of the school in Talezh. The peasants of Talezh, Bershov, Doubechnia and Sholkovo presented me with four loaves, anicon and two silver salt-cellars. The Sholkovo peasant Postnov made aspeech. 

N. Stayed with me from the 15th to the 18th August. He has beenforbidden [by the authorities] to publish anything: he speakscontemptuously now of the younger G. , who said to the new Chief ofthe Central Press Bureau that he was not going to sacrifice his weekly_Nedelya_ for N. 's sake and that "We have always anticipated thewishes of the Censorship. " In fine weather N. Walks in goloshes, andcarries an umbrella, so as not to die of sunstroke; he is afraid towash in cold water, and complains of palpitations of the heart. Fromme he went on to L. N. Tolstoi. 

I left Taganrog on August 24. In Rostov I had supper with aschool-friend, L. Volkenstein, the barrister, who has already ahouse in town and a villa in Kislovodsk [in the Caucasus]. I was inNakhichevan--what a change! All the streets are lit by electric light. In Kislovodsk, at the funeral of General Safonov, I met A. I. Tchouprov[a famous economist], later I met A. N. Vesselovsky [littérateur] inthe park. On the 28th I went on a hunting party with Baron Steingel, passed the night in Bermamut. It was cold with a violent wind. 

2 September in Novorissisk. Steamer _Alexander II_. On the 3rd Iarrived at Feodossia and stopped with Souvorin. I saw I. K. Aivasovsky[famous painter] who said to me: "You no longer come to see me, an oldman. " In his opinion I ought to have paid him a visit. On the 16th inKharkov, I was in the theatre at the performance of "The Dangers ofIntelligence. " 17th at home: wonderful weather. 

Vladimir Sloviov [famous philosopher] told me that he always carriedan oak-gall in his trouser pocket, --in his opinion, it is a radicalcure for piles. 

October 17. Performance of my "Seagull" at the Alexandrinsky Theatre. It was not a success. 

29th. I was at a meeting of the Zemstvo Council at Sezpukhovo. 

On the 10th November I had a letter from A. F. Koni who says he likedmy "Seagull" very much. 

November 26th. A fire broke out in our house. Count S. I. Shakhovskyhelped to put it out. When it was over, Sh. Related that once, whena fire broke out in his house at night, he lifted a tank of waterweighing 4-1/2 cwt. And poured the water on the flames. 

December 4. For the performance [of the "Seagull"] on the 17th Octobersee "Theatral, " No. 95, page 75. It is true that I fled from thetheatre, but only when the play was over. In L. 's dressing-room duringtwo or three acts. During the intervals there came to her officials ofthe State Theatres in uniform, wearing their orders, P. --with a Star;a handsome young official of the Department of the State Police alsocame to her. If a man takes up work which is alien to him, art forinstance, then, since it is impossible for him to become an artist, hebecomes an official. What a lot of people thus play the parasite roundscience, the theatre, the painting, --by putting on a uniform! Likewisethe man to whom life is alien, who is incapable of living, nothingelse remains for him, but to become an official. The fat actresses, who were in the dressing-room, made themselves pleasant to theofficials--respectfully and flatteringly. (L. Expressed her delightthat P. , so young, had already got the Star. ) They were old, respectable house-keepers, serf-women, whom the masters honored withtheir presence. 

December 21. Levitan suffers from dilation of the aorta. He carriesclay on his chest. He has superb studies for pictures, and apassionate thirst for life. 

December 31. P. I. Seryogin, the landscape painter, came. 

1897. 

From January 10 to February 3 busy with the census. I am enumeratorof the 16th district, and have to instruct the other (fifteen)enumerators of our Bavykin Section. They all work superbly, exceptthe priest of the Starospassky parish and the Government official, appointed to the Zemstvo, G. , (who is in charge of the censusdistrict); he is away nearly all the time in Serpukhovo, spends everyevening at the Club and keeps on wiring that he is not well. All therest of the Government officials of our district are also said to donothing. 

With such critics as we have, authors like N. S. Lyeskov and S. V. Maximov cannot be a success. 

Between "there is a God" and "there is no God" lies a whole vasttract, which the really wise man crosses with great effort. A Russianknows one or other of these two extremes, and the middle tract betweenthem does not interest him; and therefore he usually knows nothing, orvery little. 

The ease with which Jews change their religion is justified by many onthe ground of indifference. But this is not a justification. One hasto respect even one's indifference, and not change it for anything, since indifference in a decent man is also a religion. 

February 13. Dinner at Mme. Morosov's. Tchouprov, Sololevsky, Blaramberg, Sablin and myself were present. 

February 15. Pancakes at Soldatienkov's [a Moscow publisher]. OnlyGolziev [editor of _Russian Thought_] and myself were present. Manyfine pictures, nearly all badly hung. After the pancakes we drove toLevitan, from whom Soldatienkov bought a picture and two studies for1, 100 roubles. Met Polyenov [famous painter]. In the evening I wasat professor Ostroumov's; he says that Levitan "can't help dying. " O. Himself is ill and obviously frightened. 

February 16. Several of us met in the evening in the offices of_Russian Thought_ to discuss the People's Theatre. Every one likedShekhtel's plan. 

February 19. Dinner at the "Continental" to commemorate thegreat reform [the abolition of the serfdom in 1861]. Tedious andincongruous. To dine, drink champagne, make a racket, and deliverspeeches about national consciousness, the conscience of the people, freedom, and such things, while slaves in tail-coats are running roundyour tables, veritable serfs, and your coachmen wait outside in thestreet, in the bitter cold--that is lying to the Holy Ghost. 

February 22. I went to Serpukhovo to an amateur performance in aid ofthe school at Novossiolki. As far as Zarizin I was accompanied by . .. Alittle queen in exile, --an actress who imagines herself great;uneducated and a bit vulgar. 

From March 25 till April 10 I was laid up in Ostroumov's clinic. Hæmorrhage. Creaking, moisture in the apices of both my lungs;congestion in the apex of the right. On March 28 L. N. Tolstoi cameto see me. We spoke of immortality. I told him the gist of Nossilov'sstory "The Theatre of the Voguls, " and he evidently listened withgreat pleasure. 

May 1. N. Arrived. He is always thanking you for tea and dinner, apologizing, afraid of being late for the train; he talks a greatdeal, keeps mentioning his wife, like Gogol's Mijniev, pushes theproofs of his play over to you, first one sheet then another, giggles, attacks Menshikov, whom Tolstoi has "swallowed"; assures you that hewould shoot Stassiulevitch, if the latter were to show himself at areview, as President of the Russian Republic; giggles again, wets hismustaches with the soup, eats hardly anything, and yet is quite a niceman after all. 

May 4. The monks from the monastery paid us a visit. DashaMoussin-Poushkin, the wife of the engineer Gliebov, who has beenkilled hunting, was there. She sang a great deal. 

May 24. I was present at the examination of two schools in Tchirkov. [The Tchirkov and Mikhailovo schools. ]

July 13. Opening of the school at Novossiolki which I have had built. The peasants gave me an icon with an inscription. The Zemstvo peoplewere absent. 

Braz [painter] does my portrait (for the Tretiakov Gallery). Twosittings a day. 

July 22. I received a medal for my work on the census. 

July 23. In Petersburg. Stopped at Souvorin's, in the drawing-room. Met VI. T. .. . Who complained of his hysteria and praised his ownbooks. I saw P. Gnyeditch and E. Karpov, who imitated Leykin showingoff as a Spanish grandee. 

July 27. At Leykin's at Ivanovsk. 28th in Moscow. In the editorialoffices of _Russian Thought_, bugs in the sofa. 

September 4. Arrived in Paris. "Moulin Rouge, " danse du ventre, Cafédu Néon with Coffins, Café du Ciel, etc. 

September 8. In Biarritz. V. M. Sobolevsky and Mme. V. A. Morosov arehere. Every Russian in Biarritz complains of the number of Russianshere. 

September 14. Bayonne. Grande course landoise. Bull-fight. 

September 22. From Biarritz to Nice via Toulouse. 

September 23. Nice. I settled into the Pension Russe. Met MaximKovalevsky; lunched at his house at Beaulieu, with N. I. Yurassov andYakobi, the artist. In Monte Carlo. 

October 7. Confession of a spy. 

October 9. I saw B. 's mother playing roulette. Unpleasant sight. 

November 15. Monte Carlo. I saw how the croupier stole a louis d'or. 

1898. 

April 16. In Paris. Acquaintance with M. M. Antokolsky [sculptor] andnegotiations for a statue of Peter the Great. 

May 5. Returned home. 

May 26. Sobolevsky came to Melikhovo. Must put down the fact that, in Paris, in spite of the rain and cold, I spent two or three weekswithout being bored. Arrived here with M. Kovalevsky. Many interestingacquaintances: Paul Boyer, Art Roë, Bonnie, M. Dreyfus, De Roberti, Waliczewsky, Onieguin. Luncheons and dinners, at I. I. Schoukin'shouse. Left by Nord-express for Petersburg, whence to Moscow. At home, found wonderful weather. 

An example of clerical boorishness. At a dinner party the criticProtopopov came up to M. Kovalevsky, clinked glasses and said: "Idrink to science, so long as it does no harm to the people. "

1901. 

September 12. I was at L. Tolstoi's. 

December 7. Talked to L. Tolstoi over the telephone. 

1903. 

January 8. "Istorichesky Vestnik, " November 1902, "The Artistic Lifeof Moscow in the Seventies, " by I. N. Zakharin. It is said in thatarticle that I sent in my "Three Sisters" to the Theatrical andLiterary Committee. It is not true. 

ANTON CHEKHOV'S NOTE-BOOKS

(1892-1904)

Mankind has conceived history as a series of battles; hitherto it hasconsidered fighting as the main thing in life. 

 * * * * *

Solomon made a great mistake when he asked for wisdom. [1]

[Footnote 1: Among Chekhov's papers the following monologue was found, written in his own hand:

_Solomon_ (alone): Oh! how dark is life! No night, when I was a child, so terrified me by its darkness as does my invisible existence. Lord, to David my father thou gavest only the gift of harmonizing words andsounds, to sing and praise thee on strings, to lament sweetly, to makepeople weep or admire beauty; but why hast thou given me a meditative, sleepless, hungry mind? Like an insect born of the dust, I hide indarkness; and in fear and despair, all shaking and shivering, I seeand hear in everything an invisible mystery. Why this morning? Whydoes the sun come out from behind the temple and gild the palm tree?Why this beauty of women? Where does the bird hurry, what is themeaning of its flight, if it and its young and the place to which ithastens will, like myself, turn to dust? It were better I had neverbeen born or were a stone, to which God has given neither eyesnor thoughts. In order to tire out my body by nightfall, all dayyesterday, like a mere workman I carried marble to the temple; butnow the night has come and I cannot sleep . .. I'll go and lie down. Phorses told me that if one imagines a flock of sheep running andfixes one's attention upon it, the mind gets confused and one fallsasleep, I'll do it . .. (exit). ]

 * * * * *

Ordinary hypocrites pretend to be doves; political and literaryhypocrites pretend to be eagles. But don't be disconcerted by theiraquiline appearance. They are not eagles, but rats or dogs. 

 * * * * *

Those who are more stupid and more dirty than we are called thepeople. The administration classifies the population into taxpayersand non-taxpayers. But neither classification will do; we are all thepeople and all the best we are doing is the people's work. 

 * * * * *

If the Prince of Monaco has a roulette table, surely convicts may playat cards. 

 * * * * *

Iv. (Chekhov's brother Ivan) could philosophize about love, but hecould not love. 

 * * * * *

_Aliosha_: "My mind, mother, is weakened by illness and I am now likea child: now I pray to God, now I cry, now I am happy. "

 * * * * *

Why did Hamlet trouble about ghosts after death, when life itself ishaunted by ghosts so much more terrible?

 * * * * *

_Daughter_: "Felt boots are not the correct thing. "

_Father_: "Yes they are clumsy, I'll have to get leather ones. " Thefather fell ill and his deportation to Siberia was postponed. 

_Daughter_: "You are not at all ill, father. Look, you have your coatand boots on. .. . "

_Father_: "I long to be exiled to Siberia. One could sit somewhere bythe Yenissey or Obi river and fish, and on the ferry there would benice little convicts, emigrants. .. . Here I hate everything: this lilactree in front of the window, these gravel paths. .. . "

 * * * * *

A bedroom. The light of the moon shines so brightly through the windowthat even the buttons on his night shirt are visible. 

 * * * * *

A nice man would feel ashamed even before a dog. .. . 

 * * * * *

A certain Councillor of State, looking at a beautiful landscape, said:"What a marvelous function of nature!" From the note-book of an olddog: "People don't eat slops and bones which the cooks throw away. Fools!"

 * * * * *

He had nothing in his soul except recollections of his schooldays. 

 * * * * *

The French say: "Laid comme un chenille"--as ugly as a caterpillar. 

 * * * * *

People are bachelors or old maids because they rouse no interest, noteven a physical one. 

 * * * * *

The children growing up talked at meals about religion and laughedat fasts, monks, etc. The old mother at first lost her temper, then, evidently getting used to it, only smiled, but at last she toldthe children that they had convinced her, that she is now of theiropinion. The children felt awkward and could not imagine what theirold mother would do without her religion. 

 * * * * *

There is no national science, just as there is no nationalmultiplication table; what is national is no longer science. 

 * * * * *

The dog walked in the street and was ashamed of its crooked legs. 

 * * * * *

The difference between man and woman: a woman, as she grows old givesherself up more and more to female affairs; a man, as he grows old, withdraws himself more and more from female affairs. 

 * * * * *

That sudden and ill-timed love-affair may be compared to this: youtake boys somewhere for a walk; the walk is jolly and interesting--andsuddenly one of them gorges himself with oil paint. 

 * * * * *

The character in the play says to every one: "You've got worms. " Hecures his daughter of the worms, and she turns yellow. 

 * * * * *

A scholar, without talent, a blockhead, worked for twenty-four yearsand produced nothing good, gave the world only scholars as untalentedand as narrow-minded as himself. At night he secretly boundbooks--that was his true vocation: in that he was an artist and feltthe joy of it. There came to him a bookbinder, who loved learning andstudied secretly at night. 

 * * * * *

But perhaps the universe is suspended on the tooth of some monster. 

 * * * * *

Keep to the right, you of the yellow eye!

 * * * * *

Do you want to eat? No, on the contrary. 

 * * * * *

A pregnant woman with short arms and a long neck, like a kangaroo. 

 * * * * *

How pleasant it is to respect people! When I see books, I am notconcerned with how the authors loved or played cards; I see only theirmarvelous works. 

 * * * * *

To demand that the woman one loves should be pure is egotistical: tolook for that in a woman which I have not got myself is not love, butworship, since one ought to love one's equals. 

 * * * * *

The so-called pure childlike joy of life is animal joy. 

 * * * * *

I cannot bear the crying of children, but when my child cries, I don'thear. 

 * * * * *

A schoolboy treats a lady to dinner in a restaurant. He has only onerouble, twenty kopecks. The bill comes to four roubles thirty kopecks. He has no money and begins to cry. The proprietor boxes his ears. Hewas talking to the lady about Abyssinia. 

 * * * * *

A man, who, to judge from his appearance, loves nothing but sausagesand sauerkraut. 

 * * * * *

We judge human activities by their goal; that activity is great ofwhich the goal is great. 

 * * * * *

You drive on the Nevski, you look to the left on the Haymarket;the clouds are the color of smoke, the ball of the setting sunpurple--Dante's hell!

 * * * * *

His income is twenty-five to fifty thousand, and yet out of poverty heshoots himself. 

 * * * * *

Terrible poverty, desperate situation. The mother a widow, herdaughter a very ugly girl. At last the mother takes courage andadvises the daughter to go on the streets. She herself when young wenton the streets without her husband's knowledge in order to get moneyfor her dresses; she has some experience. She instructs her daughter. The latter goes out, walks all night; not a single man takes her; sheis ugly. A couple of days later, three young rascals on the boulevardtake her. She brought home a note which turned out to be a lotteryticket no longer valid. 

 * * * * *

Two wives: one in Petersburg, the other in Kertch. Constant rows, threats, telegrams. They nearly reduce him to suicide. At lasthe finds a way: he settles them both in the same house. They areperplexed, petrified; they grow silent and quiet down. 

 * * * * *

His character is so undeveloped that one can hardly believe that hehas been to the University. 

 * * * * *

And I dreamt that, as it were, what I considered reality was a dream, and the dream was reality. 

 * * * * *

I observed that after marriage people cease to be curious. 

 * * * * *

It usually takes as much time to feel happy as to wind up one's watch. 

 * * * * *

A dirty tavern near the station. And in every tavern like that youwill find salted white sturgeon with horse radish. What a lot ofsturgeon must be salted in Russia!

 * * * * *

Z. Goes on Sundays to the Sukharevka (a market-place in Moscow) tolook for books; he finds a book, written by his father, with theinscription: "To darling Nadya from the author. "

 * * * * *

A Government official wears on his chest the portrait of theGovernor's wife; he feeds a turkey on nuts and makes her a present ofit. 

 * * * * *

One should be mentally clear, morally pure, and physically tidy. 

 * * * * *

It was said of a certain lady that she had a cat's factory; her lovertortured the cats by treading on their tails. 

 * * * * *

An officer and his wife went to the baths together, and both werebathed by the orderly, whom they evidently did not consider a man. 

 * * * * *

"And now he appeared with all his decorations. "

"And what decorations has he got?"

"He has a bronze medal for the census of 1897. "

 * * * * *

A government clerk gave his son a thrashing because he had onlyobtained five marks in all his subjects at school. It seemed to himnot good enough. When he was told that he was in the wrong, that fiveis the highest mark obtainable, he thrashed his son again--out ofvexation with himself. 

 * * * * *

A very good man has such a face that people take him for a detective;he is suspected of having stolen shirt-studs. 

 * * * * *

A serious phlegmatic doctor fell in love with a girl who danced verywell, and, to please her, he started to learn a mazurka. 

 * * * * *

The hen sparrow believes that her cock sparrow is not chirping butsinging beautifully. 

 * * * * *

When one is peacefully at home, life seems ordinary, but as soon asone walks into the street and begins to observe, to question women, for instance, then life becomes terrible. The neighborhood ofPatriarshi Prudy (a park and street in Moscow) looks quiet andpeaceful, but in reality life there is hell. 

 * * * * *

These red-faced young and old women are so healthy that steam seems toexhale from them. 

 * * * * *

The estate will soon be brought under the hammer; there is poverty allround; and the footmen are still dressed like jesters. 

 * * * * *

There has been an increase not in the number of nervous diseases andnervous patients, but in the number of doctors able to study thosediseases. 

 * * * * *

The more refined the more unhappy. 

 * * * * *

Life does not agree with philosophy: there is no happiness which isnot idleness and only the useless is pleasurable. 

 * * * * *

The grandfather is given fish to eat, and if it does not poison himand he remains alive, then all the family eat it. 

 * * * * *

A correspondence. A young man dreams of devoting himself to literatureand constantly writes to his father about it; at last he gives upthe civil service, goes to Petersburg, and devotes himself toliterature--he becomes a censor. 

 * * * * *

First class sleeping car. Passengers numbers 6, 7, 8 and 9. Theydiscuss daughters-in-law. Simple people suffer from mothers-in-law, intellectuals from daughters-in-law. 

"My elder son's wife is educated, arranges Sunday schools andlibraries, but she is tactless, cruel, capricious, and physicallyrevolting. At dinner she will suddenly go off into sham hystericsbecause of some article in the newspaper. An affected thing. " Anotherdaughter-in-law: "In society she behaves passably, but at home sheis a dolt, smokes, is miserly, and when she drinks tea, she keeps thesugar between her lips and teeth and speaks at the same time. "

 * * * * *

Miss Mieschankina. 

 * * * * *

In the servants' quarters Roman, a more or less dissolute peasant, thinks it his duty to look after the morals of the women servants. 

 * * * * *

A large fat barmaid--a cross between a pig and white sturgeon. 

 * * * * *

At Malo-Bronnaya (a street in Moscow). A little girl who has neverbeen in the country feels it and raves about it, speaks aboutjackdaws, crows and colts, imagining parks and birds on trees. 

 * * * * *

Two young officers in stays. 

 * * * * *

A certain captain taught his daughter the art of fortification. 

 * * * * *

New literary forms always produce new forms of life and that is whythey are so revolting to the conservative human mind. 

 * * * * *

A neurasthenic undergraduate comes home to a lonely country-house, reads French monologues, and finds them stupid. 

 * * * * *

People love talking of their diseases, although they are the mostuninteresting things in their lives. 

 * * * * *

An official, who wore the portrait of the Governor's wife, lent moneyon interest; he secretly becomes rich. The late Governor's wife, whoseportrait he has worn for fourteen years, now lives in a suburb, a poorwidow; her son gets into trouble and she needs 4, 000 roubles. She goesto the official, and he listens to her with a bored look and says: "Ican't do anything for you, my lady. "

 * * * * *

Women deprived of the company of men pine, men deprived of the companyof women become stupid. 

 * * * * *

A sick innkeeper said to the doctor: "If I get ill, then for the loveof God come without waiting for a summons. My sister will nevercall you in, whatever happens; she is a miser, and your fee is threeroubles a visit. " A month or two later the doctor heard that theinnkeeper was seriously ill, and while he was making his preparationsto go and see him, he received a letter from the sister saying: "Mybrother is dead. " Five days later the doctor happened to go to thevillage and was told there that the innkeeper had died that morning. Disgusted he went to the inn. The sister dressed in black stood in thecorner reading a psalm book. The doctor began to upbraid her for herstinginess and cruelty. The sister went on reading the psalms, butbetween every two sentences she stopped to quarrel with him--"Lotsof your like running about here. .. . The devils brought you here. " Shebelongs to the old faith, hates passionately and swears desperately. 

 * * * * *

The new governor made a speech to his clerks. He called the merchantstogether--another speech. At the annual prize-giving of thesecondary school for girls--a speech on true enlightenment. To therepresentatives of the press a speech. He called the Jews together:"Jews, I have summoned you. " . .. A month or two passes--he doesnothing. Again he calls the merchants together--a speech. Again theJews: "Jews, I have summoned you. ". .. He has wearied them all. At lasthe says to his Chancellor: "No, the work is too much for me, I shallhave to resign. "

 * * * * *

A student at a village theological school was learning Latin by heart. Every half-hour he runs down to the maids' room and, closing his eyes, feels and pinches them; they scream and giggle; he returns to his bookagain. He calls it "refreshing oneself. "

 * * * * *

The Governor's wife invited an official, who had a thin voice andwas her adorer, to have a cup of chocolate with her, and for a weekafterwards he was in bliss. He had saved money and lent it but not oninterest. "I can't lend you any, your son-in-law would gamble it away. No, I can't. " The son-in-law is the husband of the daughter who oncesat in a box in a boa; he lost at cards and embezzled Governmentmoney. The official, who was accustomed to herring and vodka, and whohad never before drunk chocolate, felt sick after the chocolate. Theexpression on the lady's face: "Aren't I a darling?"; she spent anyamount of money on dresses and looked forward to making a display ofthem--so she gave parties. 

 * * * * *

Going to Paris with one's wife is like going to Tula[1] with one'ssamovar. 

[Footnote 1: Tula is a Russian city where samovars are manufactured. ]

 * * * * *

The young do not go in for literature, because the best of them workon steam engines, in factories, in industrial undertakings. All ofthem have now gone into industry, and industry is making enormousprogress. 

 * * * * *

Families where the woman is bourgeoise easily breed adventurers, swindlers, and brutes without ideals. 

 * * * * *

A professor's opinion: not Shakespeare, but the commentaries on himare the thing. 

 * * * * *

Let the coming generation attain happiness; but they surely ought toask themselves, for what did their ancestors live and for what didthey suffer. 

 * * * * *

Love, friendship, respect do not unite people as much as common hatredfor something. 

 * * * * *

13th December. I saw the owner of a mill, the mother of a family, arich Russian woman, who has never seen a lilac bush in Russia. 

 * * * * *

In a letter: "A Russian abroad, if not a spy, is a fool. " The neighborgoes to Florence to cure himself of love, but at a distance his lovegrows stronger. 

 * * * * *

Yalta. A young man, interesting, liked by a lady of forty. He isindifferent to her, avoids her. She suffers and at last, out of spite, gets up a scandal about him. 

 * * * * *

Pete's mother even in her old age beaded her eyes. 

 * * * * *

Viciousness is a bag with which man is born. 

 * * * * *

B. Said seriously that he is the Russian Maupassant. And so did S. 

 * * * * *

A Jewish surname: Cap. 

 * * * * *

A lady looking like a fish standing on its head; her mouth like aslit, one longs to put a penny in it. 

 * * * * *

Russians abroad: the men love Russia passionately, but the women don'tlike her and soon forget her. 

 * * * * *

Chemist Propter. 

 * * * * *

Rosalie Ossipovna Aromat. 

 * * * * *

It is easier to ask of the poor than of the rich. 

 * * * * *

And she began to engage in prostitution, got used to sleeping on thebed, while her aunt, fallen into poverty, used to lie on the littlecarpet by her side and jumped up each time the bell rang; when theyleft, she would say mindingly, with a pathetic grimace; "Something forthe chamber-maid. " And they would tip her sixpence. 

 * * * * *

Prostitutes in Monte Carlo, the whole tone is prostitutional; the palmtrees, it seems, are prostitutes, and the chickens are prostitutes. 

 * * * * *

A big dolt, Z. , a qualified nurse, of the Petersburg RozhdestvenskySchool, having ideals, fell in love with X. , a teacher, and believedhim to be ideal, a public spirited worker after the manner of novelsand stories of which she was so fond. Little by little she foundhim out, a drunkard, an idler, good-natured and not very clever. Dismissed, he began to live on his wife, sponged on her. He was anexcrescence, a kind of sarcoma, who wasted her completely. She wasonce engaged to attend some intellectual country people, she went tothem every day; they felt it awkward to give her money--and, to hergreat vexation, gave her husband a suit as a present. He would drinktea for hours and this infuriated her. Living with her husband shegrew thin, ugly, spiteful, stamped her foot and shouted at him: "Leaveme, you low fellow. " She hated him. She worked, and people paid themoney to him, for, being a Zemstvo worker, she took no money, and itenraged her that their friends did not understand him and thought himideal. 

 * * * * *

A young man made a million marks, lay down on them, and shot himself. 

 * * * * *

"That woman. " . .. "I married when I was twenty; I have not drunk aglass of vodka all my life, haven't smoked a single cigarette. " Afterhe had run off with another woman, people got to like him more andto believe him more, and, when he walked in the street, he began tonotice that they had all become kinder and nicer to him--because hehad fallen. 

 * * * * *

A man and woman marry because both of them don't know what to do withthemselves. 

 * * * * *

The power and salvation of a people lie in its intellegentsia, in theintellectuals who think honestly, feel, and can work. 

 * * * * *

A man without a mustache is like a woman with a mustache. 

 * * * * *

A man who cannot win a woman by a kiss will not win her by a blow. 

 * * * * *

For one sensible person there are a thousand fools, and for onesensible word there are a thousand stupid ones; the thousandoverwhelms the one, and that is why cities and villages progress soslowly. The majority, the mass, always remain stupid; it will alwaysoverwhelm; the sensible man should give up hope of educating andlifting it up to himself; he had better call in the assistance ofmaterial force, build railways, telegraphs, telephones--in that way hewill conquer and help life forward. 

 * * * * *

Really decent people are only to be found amongst men who havedefinite, either conservative or radical, convictions; so-calledmoderate men are much inclined to rewards, commissions, orders, promotions. 

 * * * * *

"What did your uncle die of?"

"Instead of fifteen Botkin drops, [1] as the doctor prescribed, he tooksixteen. "

[Footnote 1: A very harmless purgative. ]

 * * * * *

A young philologist, who has just left the University, comes home tohis native town. He is elected churchwarden. He does not believe inGod, but goes to church regularly, makes the sign of the cross whenpassing near a church or chapel, thinking that that sort of thing isnecessary for the people and that the salvation of Russia is bound upwith it. He is elected chairman of the Zemstvo board and a Justice ofthe Peace, he wins orders and medals; he does not notice that he hasreached the age of forty-five; then suddenly he realizes that all thetime he has been acting and making a fool of himself, but it is nowtoo late to change his way of life. Once in his sleep he suddenlyhears like the report of a gun the words: "What are you doing?"--andhe starts up all in a sweat. 

 * * * * *

One cannot resist evil, but one can resist good. 

 * * * * *

He flatters the authorities like a priest. 

 * * * * *

Instead of sheets--dirty tablecloths. 

 * * * * *

A Jewish surname: Perchik (little pepper). 

 * * * * *

A man in conversation: "And all the rest of it. "

 * * * * *

A rich man, usually insolent, his conceit enormous, but bears hisriches like a cross. If the ladies and generals did not dispensecharity on his account, if it were not for the poor students andthe beggars, he would feel the anguish of loneliness. If the beggarsstruck and agreed not to beg from him, he would go to them himself. 

 * * * * *

The husband invites his friends to his country-house in the Crimea, and afterwards his wife, without her husband's knowledge, brings themthe bill and is paid for board and lodging. 

 * * * * *

Potapov becomes attached to the brother, and this is the beginning ofhis falling in love with the sister. Divorces his wife. Afterwards theson sends him plans for a rabbit-hutch. 

 * * * * *

"I have sown clover and oats. "'

"No good; you had much better sow lucerne. "

"I have begun to keep a pig. "

"No good. It does not pay. You had better go in for mares. "

 * * * * *

A girl, a devoted friend, out of the best of motives, went about witha subscription list for X. , who was not in want. 

 * * * * *

Why are the dogs of Constantinople so often described?

 * * * * *

Disease: "He has got hydropathy. "

 * * * * *

I visit a friend, find him at supper; there are many guests. Itis very gay; I am glad to chatter with the women and drink wine. A wonderfully pleasant mood. Suddenly up gets N. With an air ofimportance, as though he were a public prosecutor, and makes a speechin my honor. "The magician of words . .. Ideals . .. In our time whenideals grow dim . .. You are sowing wisdom, undying things. .. . " I feelas if I had had a cover over me and that now the cover had been takenoff and some one was aiming a pistol at me. 

 * * * * *

After the speech--a murmur of conversation, then silence. The gayetyhas gone. "You must speak now, " says my neighbor. But what can I say?I would gladly throw the bottle at him. And I go to bed with somesediment in my soul. "Look what a fool sits among you!"

 * * * * *

The maid, when she makes the bed, always puts the slippers under thebed close to the wall. The fat master, unable to bear it any longer, gives the maid notice. It turns out that the doctor told her to putthe slippers as far as possible under the bed so as to cure the man ofhis obesity. 

 * * * * *

The club blackballed a respectable man because all of the members wereout of humor; they ruined his prospects. 

 * * * * *

A large factory. The young employer plays the superior to all and isrude to the employees who have University degrees. Only the gardener, a German, has the courage to be offended: "How dare you, gold bag?"

 * * * * *

A tiny little schoolboy with the name of Trachtenbauer. 

 * * * * *

Whenever he reads in the newspaper about the death of a great man, hewears mourning. 

 * * * * *

In the theatre. A gentleman asks a lady to take her hat off, as itis in his way. Grumbling, disagreeableness, entreaties. At last aconfession: "Madam, I am the author of the play. " She answered: "Idon't care. "

 * * * * *

In order to act wisely it is not enough to be wise (Dostoevsky). 

 * * * * *

A. And B. Have a bet. A. Wins the wager, by eating twelve cutlets; B. Does not pay even for the cutlets. 

 * * * * *

It is terrible to dine every day with a person who stammers and saysstupid things. 

 * * * * *

Glancing at a plump, appetizing woman: "It is not a woman, it is afull moon. "

 * * * * *

From her face one would imagine that under her stays she has gotgills. 

 * * * * *

For a farce: Kapiton Ivanovitch Boil. 

 * * * * *

An income-tax inspector and an excise official, in order to justifytheir occupations to themselves, say spontaneously: "It is aninteresting profession, there is a lot of work, it is a liveoccupation. "

 * * * * *

At twenty she loved Z. , at twenty-four she married N. Not because sheloved him, but because she thought him a good, wise, ideal man. Thecouple lived happily; every one envies them, and indeed their lifepasses smoothly and placidly; she is satisfied, and, when peoplediscuss love, she says that for family life not love nor passion iswanted, but affection. But once the music played suddenly, and, insideher heart, everything broke up like ice in spring: she remembered Z. And her love for him, and she thought with despair that her life wasruined, spoilt for ever, and that she was unhappy. Then it happenedto her with the New Year greetings; when people wished her "NewHappiness, " she indeed longed for new happiness. 

 * * * * *

Z. Goes to a doctor, who examines him and finds that he is sufferingfrom heart disease. Z. Abruptly changes his way of life, takesmedicine, can only talk about his disease; the whole town knows thathe has heart disease and all the doctors, whom he regularly consults, say that he has got heart disease. He does not marry, gives up amateurtheatricals, does not drink, and when he walks does so slowly andhardly breathes. Eleven years later he has to go to Moscow and therehe consults a specialist. The latter finds that his heart is perfectlysound. Z. Is overjoyed, but he can no longer return to a normal life, for he has got accustomed to going to bed early and to walking slowly, and he is bored if he cannot speak of his disease. The only result isthat he gets to hate doctors--that is all. 

 * * * * *

A woman is fascinated not by art, but by the noise made by those whohave to do with art. 

 * * * * *

N. , a dramatic critic, has a mistress X. , an actress. Her benefitnight. The play is rotten, the acting poor, but N. Has to praise. He writes briefly: "The play and the leading actress had an enormoussuccess. Particulars to-morrow. " As he wrote the last two words, hegave a sigh of relief. Next day he goes to X. ; she opens the door, allows him to kiss and embrace her, and in a cutting tone says:"Particulars to-morrow. "

 * * * * *

In Kislovodsk or some other watering-place Z. Picked up a girl oftwenty-two; she was poor, straightforward, he took pity on her and, in addition to her fee, he left twenty-five roubles on the chest ofdrawers; he left her room with the feeling of a man who has donea good deed. The next time he visited her, he noticed an expensiveash-tray and a man's fur cap, bought out of his twenty-fiveroubles--the girl again starving, her cheeks hollow. 

 * * * * *

N. Mortgages his estate with the Bank of the Nobility at 4 per cent, and then lends the money on mortgage at 12 per cent. 

 * * * * *

Aristocrats? The same ugly bodies and physical uncleanliness, the sametoothless old age and disgusting death, as with market-women. 

 * * * * *

N. , when a group is being photographed, always stands in the frontrow; on addresses he always signs the first; at anniversaries he isalways the first to speak. Always wonders: "O soup! O pastries!"

 * * * * *

Z. Got tired of having visitors, and he hired a French woman to livein his house as if she were his mistress. This shocked the ladies andhe no longer had visitors. 

 * * * * *

Z. Is a torch-bearer at funerals. He is an idealist. "In theundertaker's shop. "

 * * * * *

N. And Z. Are intimate friends, but when they meet in society, they atonce make fun of one another--out of shyness. 

 * * * * *

Complaint: "My son Stepan was delicate, and I therefore sent him toschool in the Crimea, but there he was caned with a vine-branch, andthat gave him philoxera in the behind and now the doctors can not curehim. "

 * * * * *

Mitya and Katya were told that their papa blasted rocks in the quarry. They wanted to blow up their cross grandpapa, so they took a pound ofpowder from their father's room, put it in a bottle, inserted a wick, and placed it under their grandfather's chair, when he was dozingafter dinner; but soldiers marched by with the band playing--and thiswas the only thing that prevented them from carrying out their plan. 

 * * * * *

Sleep is a marvelous mystery of Nature which renews all the powers ofman, bodily and spiritual. (Bishop Porphyrius Usgensky, "The Book ofMy Life. ")

 * * * * *

A woman imagines that she has a peculiar, exceptional constitution, whose ailments are different from other people's and which cannotstand ordinary medicine. She thinks that her son is unlike otherpeople's sons, that he has to be brought up differently. She believesin principles, but she thinks that they apply to every one butherself, because she lives in exceptional circumstances. The son growsup, and she tries to find an exceptional wife for him. Those aroundher suffer. The son turns out a scoundrel. 

 * * * * *

Poor long-suffering art!

 * * * * *

A man whose madness takes the form of an idea that he is a ghost:walks at night. 

 * * * * *

A sentimental man, like Lavrov, has moments of pleasant emotion andmakes the request: "Write a letter to my auntie in Briansk; she is adarling. .. . "

 * * * * *

There is a bad smell in the barn: ten years ago haymakers slept thenight in it and ever since it smells. 

 * * * * *

An officer at a doctor's. The money on a plate. The doctor can see inthe looking-glass that the patient takes twenty-five roubles from theplate and pays him with it. 

 * * * * *

Russia is a nobody's country!

 * * * * *

Z. Who is always saying banal things: "With the agility of a bear, ""on one's favorite corn. "

 * * * * *

A savings bank: the clerk, a very nice man, looks down on the bank, considers it useless--and yet goes on working there. 

 * * * * *

A radical lady, who crosses herself at night, is secretly full ofprejudice and superstition, hears that in order to be happy one shouldboil a black cat by night. She steals a cat and tries to boil it. 

 * * * * *

A publisher's twenty-fifth anniversary. Tears, a speech: "I offer tenroubles to the literary fund, the interest to be paid to the poorestwriter, but on condition that a special committee is appointed to workout the rules according to which the distribution shall be made. "

 * * * * *

He wore a blouse and despised those who wore frock coats. A stew oftrousers. 

 * * * * *

The ice cream is made of milk in which, as it were, the patientsbathed. 

 * * * * *

It was a grand forest of timber, but a Government Conservator wasappointed, and in two years time there was no more timber; thecaterpillar pest. 

 * * * * *

X. : "Choleraic disorder in my stomach started with the cider. "

 * * * * *

Of some writers each work taken separately is brilliant, but taken asa whole they are indefinite; of others each particular work representsnothing outstanding; but, for all that, taken as a whole they aredistinct and brilliant. 

 * * * * *

N. Rings at the door of an actress; he is nervous, his heart beats, atthe critical moment he gets into a panic and runs away; the maid opensthe door and sees nobody. He returns, rings again--but has not thecourage to go in. In the end the porter comes out and gives him athrashing. 

 * * * * *

A gentle quiet schoolmistress secretly beats her pupils, because shebelieves in the good of corporal punishment. 

 * * * * *

N. : "Not only the dog, but even the horses howled. "

 * * * * *

N. Marries. His mother and sister see a great many faults in his wife;they are distressed, and only after four or five years realize thatshe is just like themselves. 

 * * * * *

The wife cried. The husband took her by the shoulders and shook her, and she stopped crying. 

 * * * * *

After his marriage everything--politics, literature, society--did notseem to him as interesting as they had before; but now every trifleconcerning his wife and child became a most important matter. 

 * * * * *

"Why are thy songs so short?" a bird was once asked. "Is it becausethou art short of breath?"

"I have very many songs and I should like to sing them all. "

(A. Daudet. )

 * * * * *

The dog hates the teacher; they tell it not to bark at him; it looks, does not bark, only whimpers with rage. 

 * * * * *

Faith is a spiritual faculty; animals have not got it; savages anduncivilized people have merely fear and doubt. Only highly developednatures can have faith. 

 * * * * *

Death is terrible, but still more terrible is the feeling that youmight live for ever and never die. 

 * * * * *

The public really loves in art that which is banal and long familiar, that to which they have grown accustomed. 

 * * * * *

A progressive, educated, young, but stingy school guardian inspectsthe school every day, makes long speeches there, but does not spend apenny on it: the school is falling to pieces, but he considers himselfuseful and necessary. The teacher hates him, but he does not noticeit. The harm is great. Once the teacher, unable to stand it anylonger, facing him with anger and disgust, bursts out swearing at him. 

 * * * * *

_Teacher_: "Poushkin's centenary should not be celebrated; he didnothing for the church. "

 * * * * *

Miss Guitarov (actress). 

 * * * * *

If you wish to become an optimist and understand life, stop believingwhat people say and write, observe and discover for yourself. 

 * * * * *

Husband and wife zealously followed X. 's idea and built up their lifeaccording to it as if it were a formula. Only just before death theyasked themselves: "Perhaps that idea is wrong? Perhaps the saying'mens sana in corpore sano' is untrue?"

 * * * * *

I detest: a playful Jew, a radical Ukrainian, and a drunken German. 

 * * * * *

The University brings out all abilities, including stupidity. 

 * * * * *

Taking into consideration, dear sir, as a result of this view, dearsir. .. . 

 * * * * *

The most intolerable people are provincial celebrities. 

 * * * * *

Owing to our flightiness, because the majority of us are unable andunaccustomed to think or to look deeply into life's phenomena, nowhereelse do people so often say: "How banal!" nowhere else do peopleregard so superficially, and often contemptuously other people'smerits or serious questions. On the other hand nowhere else does theauthority of a name weigh so heavily as with us Russians, who havebeen abased by centuries of slavery and fear freedom. .. . 

 * * * * *

A doctor advised a merchant to eat soup and chicken. The merchantthought the advice ironical. At first he ate a dinner of botvinia andpork, and then, as if recollecting the doctor's orders, ordered soupand chicken and swallowed them down too, thinking it a great joke. 

 * * * * *

Father Epaminond catches fish and puts them in his pocket; then, whenhe gets home, he takes out a fish at a time, as he wants it, and friesit. 

 * * * * *

The nobleman X. Sold his estate to N. With all the furniture accordingto an inventory, but he took away everything else, even the ovendampers, and after that N. Hated all noblemen. 

 * * * * *

The rich, intellectual X. , of peasant origin, implored hisson:--"Mike, don't get out of your class. Be a peasant until you die, do not become a nobleman, nor a merchant, nor a bourgeois. If, asyou say, the Zemstvo officer now has the right to inflict corporalpunishment on peasants, then let him also have the right to punishyou. " He was proud of his peasant origin, he was even haughty aboutit. 

 * * * * *

They celebrated the birthday of an honest man. Took the opportunityto show off and praise one another. Only towards the end of the dinnerthey suddenly discovered that the man had not been invited; they hadforgotten. 

 * * * * *

A gentle quiet woman, getting into a temper, says: "If I were a man, Iwould just bash your filthy mug. "

 * * * * *

A Mussulman for the salvation of his soul digs a well. It would be apleasant thing if each of us left a school, a well, or something likethat, so that life should not pass away into eternity without leavinga trace behind it. 

 * * * * *

We are tired out by servility and hypocrisy. 

 * * * * *

N. Once had his clothes torn by dogs, and now, when he pays a callanywhere, he asks: "Aren't there any dogs here?"

 * * * * *

A young pimp, in order to keep up his powers, always eats garlic. 

 * * * * *

School guardian. Widowed priest plays the harmonium and sings: "Restwith the saints. "

 * * * * *

In July the red bird sings the whole morning. 

 * * * * *

"A large selection of _cigs"_[1]--so read X. Every day when he wentdown the street, and wondered how one could deal only in _cigs_ andwho wanted them. It took him thirty years before he read it correctly:"A large selection of cigars. "

[Footnote 1: _Cigs_ in Russian is a kind of fish. ]

 * * * * *

A bride to an engineer: a dynamite cartridge filled withone-hundred-rouble notes. 

 * * * * *

"I have not read Herbert Spencer. Tell me his subjects. What doeshe write about?" "I want to paint a panel for the Paris exhibition. Suggest a subject. " (A wearisome lady. )

 * * * * *

The idle, so-called governing, classes cannot remain long without war. When there is no war they are bored, idleness fatigues and irritatesthem, they do not know what they live for; they bite one another, tryto say unpleasant things to one another, if possible with impunity, and the best of them make the greatest efforts not to bore the othersand themselves. But when war comes, it possesses all, takes hold ofthe imagination, and the common misfortune unites all. 

 * * * * *

An unfaithful wife is a large cold cutlet which one does not want totouch, because some one else has had it in his hands. 

 * * * * *

An old maid writes a treatise: "The tramline of piety. "

 * * * * *

Ryzeborsky, Tovbin, Gremoukhin, Koptin. 

 * * * * *

She had not sufficient skin on her face; in order to open her eyes shehad to shut her mouth and _vice versa_. 

 * * * * *

When she raises her skirt and shows her lace petticoat, it is obviousthat she dresses like a woman who is accustomed to be seen by men. 

 * * * * *

X. Philosophizes: "Take the word 'nose. ' In Russia it seems somethingunmentionable means the deuce knows what, one may say the indecentpart of the body, and in French it means wedding. " And indeed X. 'snose was an indecent part of the body. 

 * * * * *

A girl, flirting, chatters: "All are afraid of me . .. Men, andthe wind . .. All leave me alone! I shall never marry. " And at homepoverty, her father a regular drunkard. And if people could see howshe and her mother work, how she screens her father, they would feelthe deepest respect for her and would wonder why she is so ashamed ofpoverty and work, and is not ashamed of that chatter. 

 * * * * *

A restaurant. An advanced conversation Andrey Andreyevitch, agood-natured bourgeois, suddenly declares: "Do you know gentlemen, I was once an anarchist!" Every one is astonished. A. A. Tells thefollowing tale: a strict father; a technical school opened in theprovincial town in a craze for technical education; they have no ideasand they did not know what to teach (since, if you are going to makeshoemakers of all the inhabitants, who will buy the shoes?); he wasexpelled and his father turned him out of the house; he had to takea job as an assistant clerk on the squire's estate; he became enragedwith the rich, the well-fed, and the fat; the squire planted cherrytrees, A. A. Helped him, and suddenly a desire came over him to cutoff the squire's white fat fingers with the spade, as if it were byaccident; and closing his eyes he struck a blow with the shovel ashard as he could, but it missed. Then he went away; the forest, thequiet in the fields, rain; he longed for warmth, went to his aunt, shegave him tea and rolls--and his anarchism was gone. After the storythere passed by the table Councillor of State L. Immediately A. A. Getsup and explains how L. , Councillor of State, owns houses, etc. 

 * * * * *

I was apprenticed to a tailor. He cut the trousers; I did thesewing, but the stripe came down here right over the knee. Then I wasapprenticed to a cabinet-maker. I was planing once when the plane flewout of my hands and hit the window; it broke the glass. The squire wasa Lett, his name Shtoppev[1]; and he had an expression on his faceas if he were going to wink and say: "Wouldn't it be nice to have adrink?" In the evenings he drank, drank by himself--and I felt hurt. 

[Footnote 1: _Shtopov_ means "cork-screw. "]

 * * * * *

A dealer in cider puts labels on his bottles with a crown printed onthem. It irritates and vexes X. Who torments himself with theidea that a mere trader is usurping the crown. X complains to theauthorities, worries every one, seeks redress and so on; he dies fromirritation and worry. 

 * * * * *

A governess is teased with the nickname Gesticulation. 

 * * * * *

Shaptcherigin, Zambisebulsky, Sveentchutka, Chemburaklya. 

 * * * * *

Senile pomposity, senile vindictiveness. What a number of despicableold men I have known!

 * * * * *

How delightful when on a bright frosty morning a new sleigh with a rugcomes to the door. 

 * * * * *

X. Arrived to take up duty at N. , he shows himself a despot: he isannoyed when some one else is a success; he becomes quite differentin the presence of a third person; when a woman is present, his tonechanges; when he pours out wine, he first puts a little in his ownglass and then helps the company; when he walks with a lady he takesher arm; in general he tries to show refinement. He does not laugh atother people's jokes: "You repeat yourself. " "There is nothing new inthat. " Every one is sick of him; he sermonizes. The old women nicknamehim "the top. "

 * * * * *

A man who can not do anything, does not know how to act, how to entera room, how to ask for anything. 

 * * * * *

Utiujny

 * * * * *

A man who always insists: "I haven't got syphilis. I'm an honest man. My wife is an honest woman. "

 * * * * *

X. All his life spoke and wrote about the vices of servants and aboutthe way to manage and control them, and he died deserted by every oneexcept his valet and his cook. 

 * * * * *

A little girl with rapture about her aunt: "She is very beautiful, asbeautiful as our dog!"

 * * * * *

Marie Ivanovna Kolstovkin. 

 * * * * *

In a love letter: "Stamp enclosed for a reply. "

 * * * * *

The best men leave the villages for the towns, and therefore thevillages decline and will continue to decline. 

 * * * * *

Pavel was a cook for forty years; he loathed the things which hecooked and he never ate. 

 * * * * *

He ceased to love a woman; the sensation of not being in love; apeaceful state of mind; long peaceful thoughts. 

 * * * * *

Conservative people do so little harm because they are timid and haveno confidence in themselves; harm is done not by conservative but bymalicious people. 

 * * * * *

One of two things: either sit in the carriage or get out of it. 

 * * * * *

For a play: an old woman of radical views dresses like a girl, smokes, cannot exist without company, sympathetic. 

 * * * * *

In a Pullman car--these are the dregs of society. 

 * * * * *

On the lady's bosom was the portrait of a fat German. 

 * * * * *

A man who at all elections all his life long always voted against theLeft. 

 * * * * *

They undressed the corpse, but had no time to take the gloves off; acorpse in gloves. 

 * * * * *

A farmer at dinner boasts: "Life in the country is cheap--one hasone's own chickens, one's own pigs--life is cheap. "

 * * * * *

A customs official, from want of love for his work, searches thepassengers, looking for documents of a suspicious political nature, and makes even the gendarmes indignant. 

 * * * * *

A real male (mouzhtchina) consists of man (mouzh) and title (tchin). 

 * * * * *

Education: "Masticate your food properly, " their father told them. Andthey masticated properly, and walked two hours every day, and washedin cold water, and yet they turned out unhappy and without talent. 

 * * * * *

Commercial and industrial medicine. 

 * * * * *

N. Forty years old married a girl seventeen. The first night, whenthey returned to his mining village, she went to bed and suddenlyburst into tears, because she did not love him. He is a good soul, isoverwhelmed with distress, and goes off to sleep in his little workingroom. 

 * * * * *

On the spot where the former manor house stood there is no trace left;only one lilac bush remains and that for some reason does not bloom. 

 * * * * *

Son: "To-day I believe is Thursday. "

Mother: (not having heard) "What?"

Son: (angrily) "Thursday!" (quietly) "I ought to take a bath. "

Mother: "What?"

Son: (angry and offended) "Bath!"

 * * * * *

N. Goes to X. Every day, talks to him, and shows real sympathy in hisgrief; suddenly X. Leaves his house, where he was so comfortable. N. Asks X. 's mother why he went away. She answers: "Because you came tosee him every day. "

 * * * * *

It was such a romantic wedding, and later--what fools! what babies!

 * * * * *

Love. Either it is a remnant of something degenerating, somethingwhich once has been immense, or it is a particle of what will inthe future develop into something immense; but in the present it isunsatisfying, it gives much less than one expects. 

 * * * * *

A very intellectual man all his life tells lies about hypnotism, spiritualism--and people believe him; yet he is quite a nice man. 

 * * * * *

In Act I, X. , a respectable man, borrows a hundred roubles from N. , and in the course of all four acts he does not pay it back. 

 * * * * *

A grandmother has six sons and three daughters, and best of all sheloves the failure, who drinks and has been in prison. 

 * * * * *

N. , the manager of a factory, rich, with a wife and children, happy, has written "An investigation into the mineral spring at X. " He wasmuch praised for it and was invited to join the staff of a newspaper;he gave up his post, went to Petersburg, divorced his wife, spent hismoney--and went to the dogs. 

 * * * * *

(Looking at a photograph album): "Whose ugly face is that?"

"That's my uncle. "

 * * * * *

Alas, what is terrible is not the skeletons, but the fact that I am nolonger terrified by them. 

 * * * * *

A boy of good family, capricious, full of mischief, obstinate, woreout his whole family. The father, an official who played the piano, got to hate him, took him into a corner of the garden, flogged himwith considerable pleasure, and then felt disgusted with himself. Theson has grown up and is an officer. 

 * * * * *

N. Courted Z. For a long time. She was very religious, and, when heproposed to her, she put a dried flower, which he had once given toher, into her prayer-book. 

 * * * * *

Z: "As you are going to town, post my letter in the letter-box. "

N: (alarmed) "Where? I don't know where the letter-box is. "

Z: "Will you also call at the chemist's and get me some naphthaline?"

N: (alarmed) "I'll forget the naphthaline, I'll forget. "

 * * * * *

A storm at sea. Lawyers ought to regard it as a crime. 

 * * * * *

X. Went to stay with his friend in the country. The place wasmagnificent, but the servants treated him badly, he was uncomfortable, although his friend considered him a big man. The bed was hard, he wasnot provided with a night shirt and he felt ashamed to ask for one. 

 * * * * *

At a rehearsal. The wife:

"How does that melody in Pagliacci go? Whistle it. "

"One must not whistle on the stage; the stage is a temple. "

 * * * * *

He died from fear of cholera. 

 * * * * *

As like as a nail is to a requiem. 

 * * * * *

A conversation on another planet about the earth a thousand yearshence. "Do you remember that white tree?"

 * * * * *

Anakhthema!

 * * * * *

Zigzagovsky, Oslizin, Svintchulka, Derbaliguin. 

 * * * * *

A woman with money, the money hidden everywhere, in her bosom andbetween her legs. .. . 

 * * * * *

All that procedure. 

 * * * * *

Treat your dismissal as you would an atmospheric phenomenon. 

 * * * * *

A conversation at a conference of doctors. First doctor: "All diseasescan be cured by salt. " Second doctor, military: "Every disease canbe cured by prescribing no salt. " The first points to his wife, thesecond to his daughter. 

 * * * * *

The mother has ideals, the father too; they delivered lectures; theybuilt schools, museums, etc. They grow rich. And their children aremost ordinary; spend money, gamble on the Stock Exchange. 

 * * * * *

N. Married a German when she was seventeen. He took her to live inBerlin. At forty she became a widow and by that time spoke Russianbadly and German badly. 

 * * * * *

The husband and wife loved having visitors, because, when there wereno visitors they quarreled. 

 * * * * *

It is an absurdity! It is an anachronism!

 * * * * *

"Shut the window! You are perspiring! Put on an overcoat! Put ongoloshes!"

 * * * * *

If you wish to have little spare time, do nothing. 

 * * * * *

On a Sunday morning in summer is heard the rumble of acarriage--people driving to mass. 

 * * * * *

For the first time in her life a man kissed her hand; it was too muchfor her, it turned her head. 

 * * * * *

What wonderful names: the little tears of Our Lady, warbler, crows-eyes. [1]

[Footnote 1: The names of flowers. ]

 * * * * *

A government forest officer with shoulder straps, who has never seen aforest. 

 * * * * *

A gentleman owns a villa near Mentone; he bought it out of theproceeds of the sale of his estate in the Tula province. I saw him inKharkhov to which he had come on business; he gambled away the villaat cards and became a railway clerk; after that he died. 

 * * * * *

At supper he noticed a pretty woman and choked; a little later hecaught sight of another pretty woman and choked again, so that he didnot eat his supper--there were a lot of pretty women. 

 * * * * *

A doctor, recently qualified, supervises the food in a restaurant. "The food is tinder the special supervision of a doctor. " He copiesout the chemical composition of the mineral water; the studentsbelieve him--and all is well. 

 * * * * *

He did not eat, he partook of food. 

 * * * * *

A man, married to an actress, during a performance of a play in whichhis wife was acting, sat in a box, with beaming face, and from time totime got up and bowed to the audience. 

 * * * * *

Dinner at Count O. D. 's. Fat lazy footmen; tasteless cutlets; a feelingthat a lot of money is being spent, that the situation is hopeless, and that it is impossible to change the course of things. 

 * * * * *

A district doctor: "What other damned creature but a doctor would haveto go out in such weather?"--he is proud of it, grumbles about it toevery one, and is proud to think that his work is so troublesome; hedoes not drink and often sends articles to medical journals that donot publish them. 

 * * * * *

When N. Married her husband, he was junior Public Prosecutor; hebecame judge of the High Court and then judge of the Court of Appeals;he is an average uninteresting man. N. Loves her husband very much. She loves him to the grave, writes him meek and touching letters whenshe hears of his unfaithfulness, and dies with a touching expressionof love on her lips. Evidently she loved, not her husband, but someone else, superior, beautiful, non-existent, and she lavished thatlove upon her husband. And after her death footsteps could be heard inher house. 

 * * * * *

They are members of a temperance society and now and again take aglass of wine. 

 * * * * *

They say: "In the long run truth will triumph;" but it is untrue. 

 * * * * *

A clever man says: "This is a lie, but since the people can not dowithout the lie, since it has the sanction of history, it is dangerousto root it out all at once; let it go on for the time being but withcertain corrections. " But the genius says: "This is a lie, thereforeit must not exist. "

 * * * * *

Marie Ivanovna Kladovaya. 

 * * * * *

A schoolboy with mustaches, in order to show off, limps with one leg. 

 * * * * *

A writer of no talent, who has been writing for a long time, with hisair of importance reminds one of a high priest. 

 * * * * *

Mr. N. And Miss Z. In the city of X. Both clever, educated, of radicalviews, and both working for the good of their fellow men, but bothhardly know each other and in conversation always rail at each otherin order to please the stupid and coarse crowd. 

 * * * * *

He flourished his hand as if he were going to seize him by the hairand said: "You won't escape by that there trick. "

 * * * * *

N. Has never been in the country and thinks that in the winter countrypeople use skis. "How I would enjoy ski-ing now!"

 * * * * *

Madam N. , who sells herself, says to each man who has her: "I love youbecause you are not like the rest. "

 * * * * *

An intellectual woman, or rather a woman who belongs to anintellectual circle, excels in deceit. 

 * * * * *

N. Struggled all his life investigating a disease and studying itsbacilli; he devoted his whole life to the struggle, expended on it allhis powers, and suddenly just before his death it turned out that thedisease is not in the least infectious or dangerous. 

 * * * * *

A theatrical manager, lying in bed, read a new play. He read three orfour pages and then in irritation threw the play on to the floor, put out the candle, and drew the bedclothes over him; a little later, after thinking over it, he took the play up again and began to readit; then, getting angry with the uninspired tedious work, he againthrew it on the floor and put out the candle. A little later he oncemore took up the play and read it, then he produced it and it was afailure. 

 * * * * *

N. , heavy, morose, gloomy, says: "I love a joke, I am always joking. "

 * * * * *

The wife writes; the husband does not like her writing, but out ofdelicacy says nothing and suffers all his life. 

 * * * * *

The fate of an actress: the beginning--a well-to-do family in Kertch, life dull and empty; the stage, virtue, passionate love, then lovers;the end: unsuccessful attempt to poison herself, then Kertch, lifeat her fat uncle's house, the delight of being left alone. Experienceshows that an artist must dispense with wine, marriage, pregnancy. Thestage will become art only in the future, now it is only strugglingfor the future. 

 * * * * *

(Angrily and sententiously) "Why don't you give me your wife's lettersto read? Aren't we relations?"

 * * * * *

Lord, don't allow me to condemn or to speak of what I do not know ordo not understand. 

 * * * * *

Why do people describe only the weak, surly and frail as sinners? Andevery one when he advises others to describe only the strong, healthy, and interesting, means himself. 

 * * * * *

For a play: a character always lying without rhyme or reason. 

 * * * * *

Sexton Catacombov. 

 * * * * *

N. N. , a littérateur, critic, plausible, self-confident, very liberalminded, talks about poetry; condescendingly agrees with one--and I seethat he is a man absolutely without talent (I haven't read him). Someone suggests going to Ai-Petri. I say that it is going to rain, butwe set out. The road is muddy, it rains; the critic sits next to me, Ifeel his lack of talent. He is wooed and made a fuss of as if he werea bishop. And when it cleared up, I went back on foot. How easilypeople deceive themselves, how they love prophets and soothsayers;what a herd it is! Another person went with us, a Councillor of State, middle-aged, silent, because he thinks he is right and despises thecritic, because he too is without talent. A girl afraid to smilebecause she is among clever people. 

 * * * * *

Alexey Ivanitch Prokhladitelny (refreshing) or Doushespasitelny(soul-saving). A girl: "I would marry him, but am afraid of thename--Madam Refreshing. "

 * * * * *

A dream of a keeper in the zoological gardens. He dreams that therewas presented to the Zoo first a marmot, then an emu, then a vulture, then a she-goat, then another emu; the presentations are made withoutend and the Zoo is crowded out--the keeper wakes up in horror wet withperspiration. 

 * * * * *

"To harness slowly but drive rapidly is in the nature of this people, "said Bismarck. 

 * * * * *

When an actor has money, he doesn't send letters but telegrams. 

 * * * * *

With insects, out of the caterpillar comes the butterfly; withmankind it is the other way round, out of the butterfly comes thecaterpillar. [1]

[Footnote 1: There is a play on words here, the Russian word forbutterfly also means a woman. ]

 * * * * *

The dogs in the house became attached not to their masters who fed andfondled them, but to the cook, a foreigner, who beat them. 

 * * * * *

Sophie was afraid that her dog might catch cold, because of thedraught. 

 * * * * *

The soil is so good, that, were you to plant a shaft, in a year's timea cart would grow out of it. 

 * * * * *

X. And Z. , very well educated and of radical views, married. In theevening they talked together pleasantly, then quarreled, then came toblows. In the morning both are ashamed and surprised, they thinkthat it must have been the result of some exceptional state of theirnerves. Next night again a quarrel and blows. And so every night untilat last they realize that they are not at all educated, but savage, just like the majority of people. 

 * * * * *

A play: in order to avoid having visitors, Z. Pretends to be a regulartippler, although he drinks nothing. 

 * * * * *

When children appear on the scene, then we justify all our weaknesses, our compromises, and our snobbery, by saying: "It's for the children'ssake. "

 * * * * *

Count, I am going away to Mordegundia. (A land of horrible faces. )

 * * * * *

Barbara Nedotyopin. 

 * * * * *

Z. , an engineer or doctor, went on a visit to his uncle, an editor;he became interested, began to go there frequently; then became acontributor to the paper, little by little gave up his profession; onenight he came out of the newspaper office, remembered, and seized hishead in his hands--"all is lost!" He began to go gray. Then it becamea habit, he was quite white now and flabby, an editor, respectable butobscure. 

 * * * * *

A Privy Councillor, an old man, looking at his children, became aradical himself. 

 * * * * *

A newspaper: "Cracknel. "

 * * * * *

The clown in the circus--that is talent, and the waiter in the frockcoat speaking to him--that is the crowd; the waiter with an ironicalsmile on his face. 

 * * * * *

Auntie from Novozybkov. 

 * * * * *

He has a rarefaction of the brain and his brains have leaked into hisears. 

 * * * * *

"What? Writers? If you like, for a shilling I'll make a writer ofyou. "

 * * * * *

Instead of translator, contractor. 

 * * * * *

An actress, forty years old, ugly, ate a partridge for dinner, and Ifelt sorry for the partridge, for it occurred to me that in its lifeit had been more talented, more sensible, and more honest than thatactress. 

 * * * * *

The doctor said to me: "If, " says he, "your constitution holds out, drink to your heart's content. " (Gorbunov. )

 * * * * *

Carl Kremertartarlau. 

 * * * * *

A field with a distant view, one tiny birch tree. The inscriptionunder the picture: loneliness. 

 * * * * *

The guests had gone: they had played cards and everything was indisorder: tobacco smoke, scraps of paper, and chiefly--the dawn andmemories. 

 * * * * *

Better to perish from fools than to accept praises from them. 

 * * * * *

Why do trees grow and so luxuriantly, when the owners are dead?

 * * * * *

The character keeps a library, but he is always away visiting; thereare no readers. 

 * * * * *

Life seems great, enormous, and yet one sits on one's _piatachok_. [1]

[Footnote 1: The word means five kopecks and also a pig's snout. ]

 * * * * *

Zolotonosha?[1] There is no such town! No!

[Footnote 1: The name of a Russian town, meaning literally"Gold-carrier. "]

 * * * * *

When he laughs, he shows his teeth and gums. 

 * * * * *

He loved the sort of literature which did not upset him, Schiller, Homer, etc. 

 * * * * *

N. , a teacher, on her way home in the evening was told by her friendthat X. Had fallen in love with her, N. , and wanted to propose. N. , ungainly, who had never before thought of marriage, when she got home, sat for a long time trembling with fear, could not sleep, cried, andtowards morning fell in love with X. ; next day she heard that thewhole thing was a supposition on the part of her friend and that X. Was going to marry not her but Y. 

 * * * * *

He had a liaison with a woman of forty-five after which he began towrite ghost stories. 

 * * * * *

I dreamt that I was in India and that one of the local princespresented me with an elephant, two elephants even. I was so worriedabout the elephant that I woke up. 

 * * * * *

An old man of eighty says to another old man of sixty: "You ought tobe ashamed, young man. "

 * * * * *

When they sang in church, "Now is the beginning of our salvation, " heate _glavizna_ at home; on the day of St. John the Baptist he ate nofood that was circular and flogged his children. [1]

[Footnote 1: _Glavizna_ in Russian is the name of a fish and alsomeans beginning; the root of the verbs "to behead" and "to flog" arethe same. ]

 * * * * *

A journalist wrote lies in the newspaper, but he thought he waswriting the truth. 

 * * * * *

If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry. 

 * * * * *

He himself is rich, but his mother is in the workhouse. 

 * * * * *

He married, furnished a house, bought a writing-table, got everythingin order, but found he had nothing to write. 

 * * * * *

Faust: "What you don't know is just what you want; what you know iswhat you can't use. "

 * * * * *

Although you may tell lies, people will believe you, if only you speakwith authority. 

 * * * * *

As I shall lie in the grave alone, so in fact I live alone. 

 * * * * *

A German: "Lord have mercy on us, _grieshniki_. "[1]

[Footnote 1: _Grieshniki_ means "sinners, " but sounds like_grietchnieviki_ which means "buckwheat cakes. "]

 * * * * *

"O my dear little pimple!" said the bride tenderly. The bridegroomthought for a while, then felt hurt--they parted. 

 * * * * *

They were mineral water bottles with preserved cherries in them. 

 * * * * *

An actress who spoilt all her parts by very bad acting--and thiscontinued all her life long until she died. Nobody liked her; sheruined all the best parts; and yet she went on acting until she wasseventy. 

 * * * * *

He alone is all right and can repent who feels himself to be wrong. 

 * * * * *

The archdeacon curses the "doubters, " and they stand in the choir andsing anathema to themselves (Skitalez). 

 * * * * *

He imagined that his wife lay with her legs cut off and that he nursedher in order to save his soul. .. . 

 * * * * *

Madame Snuffley. 

 * * * * *

The black-beetles have left the house; the house will be burnt down. 

 * * * * *

"Dmitri, the Pretender, and Actors. " "Turgenev and the Tigers. "Articles like that can be and are written. 

 * * * * *

A title: Lemon Peel. 

 * * * * *

I am your legitimate husband. 

 * * * * *

An abortion, because while birthing a wave struck her, a wave of theocean; because of the eruption of Vesuvius. 

 * * * * *

It seems to me: the sea and myself--and nothing else. 

 * * * * *

Education: his three-year-old son wore a black frock-coat, boots, andwaistcoat. 

 * * * * *

With pride: "I'm not of Yuriev, but of Dorpat University. "[1]

[Footnote 1: Yuriev is the Russian name of the town Dorpat. ]

 * * * * *

His beard looked like the tail of a fish. 

 * * * * *

A Jew, Ziptchik. 

 * * * * *

A girl, when she giggles, makes noises as if she were putting her headin cold water. 

 * * * * *

"Mamma, what is a thunderbolt made of?"

 * * * * *

On the estate there is a bad smell, and bad taste; the treesare planted anyhow, stupidly; and away in a remote corner thelodge-keeper's wife all day long washes the guest's linen--and nobodysees her; and the owners are allowed to talk away whole days abouttheir rights and their nobility. 

 * * * * *

She fed her dog on the best caviare. 

 * * * * *

Our self-esteem and conceit are European, but our culture and actionsare Asiatic. 

 * * * * *

A black dog--he looks as if he were wearing goloshes. 

 * * * * *

A Russian's only hope--to win two hundred thousand roubles in alottery. 

 * * * * *

She is wicked, but she taught her children good. 

 * * * * *

Every one has something to hide. 

 * * * * *

The title of N. 's story: The Power of Harmonies. 

 * * * * *

O how nice it would be if bachelors or widowers were appointedGovernors. 

 * * * * *

A Moscow actress never in her life saw a turkey-hen. 

 * * * * *

On the lips of the old I hear either stupidity or malice. 

 * * * * *

"Mamma, Pete did not say his prayers. " Pete is woken up, he says hisprayers, cries, then lies down and shakes his fist at the child whomade the complaint. 

 * * * * *

He imagined that only doctors could say whether it is male or female. 

 * * * * *

One became a priest, the other a _Dukhobor_, the third a philosopher, and in each case instinctively because no one wants really to workwith bent back from morning to night. 

 * * * * *

A passion for the word uterine: my uterine brother, my uterine wife, my uterine brother-in-law, etc. 

 * * * * *

To Doctor N. , an illegitimate child, who has never lived with hisfather and knew him very little, his bosom friend Z. , says withagitation: "You see, the fact of the matter is that your father missesyou very much, he is ill and wants to have a look at you. " The fatherkeeps "Switzerland, " furnished apartments. He takes the fried fish outof the dish with his hands and only afterwards uses a fork. The vodkasmells rank. N. Went, looked about him, had dinner--his only feelingthat that fat peasant, with the grizzled beard, should sell suchfilth. But once, when passing the house at midnight, he looked in atthe window: his father was sitting with bent back reading a book. Herecognized himself and his own manners. 

 * * * * *

As stupid as a gray gelding. 

 * * * * *

They teased the girl with castor oil, and therefore she did not marry. 

 * * * * *

N. All his life used to write abusive letters to famous singers, actors, and authors: "You think, you scamp, . .. "--without signing hisname. 

 * * * * *

When the man who carried the torch at funerals came out in histhree-cornered hat, his frock coat with laces and stripes, she fell inlove with him. 

 * * * * *

A sparkling, joyous nature, a kind of living protest againstgrumblers; he is fat and healthy, eats a great deal, every one likeshim but only because they are afraid of the grumblers; he is a nobody, a Ham, only eats and laughs loud, and that's all; when he dies, everyone sees that he had done nothing, that they had mistaken him for someone else. 

 * * * * *

After the inspection of the building, the Commission, which wasbribed, lunched heartily, and it was precisely a funeral feast overhonesty. 

 * * * * *

He who tells lies is dirty. 

 * * * * *

At three o'clock in the morning they wake him: he has to go to his jobat the railway station, and so every day for the last fourteen years. 

 * * * * *

A lady grumbles: "I write to my son that he should change his linenevery Saturday. He replies: 'Why Saturday, not Monday?' I answer:'Well, all right, let it be Monday. ' And he: 'Why Monday, notTuesday?' He is a nice honest man, but I get worried by him. "

 * * * * *

A clever man loves learning but is a fool at teaching. 

 * * * * *

The sermons of priests, archimandrites, and bishops are wonderfullylike one another. 

 * * * * *

One remembers the arguments about the brotherhood of man, public good, and work for the people, but really there were no such arguments, oneonly drank at the University. They write: "One feels ashamed of themen with University degrees who once fought for human rights andfreedom of religion and conscience"--but they never fought. 

 * * * * *

Every day after dinner the husband threatens his wife that he willbecome a monk, and the wife cries. 

 * * * * *

Mordokhvostov. 

 * * * * *

Husband and wife have lived together and quarreled for eighteen years. At last he makes a confession, which was in fact untrue, of havingbeen false to her, and they part to his great pleasure and to thewrath of the whole town. 

 * * * * *

A useless thing, an album with forgotten, uninteresting photographs, lies in the corner on a chair; it has been lying there for the lasttwenty years and no one makes up his mind to throw it away. 

 * * * * *

N. Tells how forty years ago X. , a wonderful and extraordinary man, had saved the lives of five people, and N. Feels it strange that everyone listened with indifference, that the history of X. Is alreadyforgotten, uninteresting. .. . 

 * * * * *

They fell upon the soft caviare greedily, and devoured it in a minute. 

 * * * * *

In the middle of a serious conversation he says to his little son:"Button up your trousers. "

 * * * * *

Man will only become better when you make him see what he is like. 

 * * * * *

Dove-colored face. 

 * * * * *

The squire feeds his pigeons, canaries, and fowls on pepper, acids, and all kinds of rubbish in order that the birds may change theircolor--and that is his sole occupation: he boasts of it to everyvisitor. 

 * * * * *

They invited a famous singer to recite the Acts of the Apostles at thewedding; he recited it, but they have not paid his fee. 

 * * * * *

For a farce: I have a friend by name Krivomordy (crooked face) andhe's all right. Not crooked leg or crooked arm but crooked face: hewas married and his wife loved him. 

 * * * * *

N. Drank milk every day, and every time he put a fly in the glass andthen, with the air of a victim, asked the old butler: "What's that?"He could not live a single day without that. 

 * * * * *

She is surly and smells of a vapor bath. 

 * * * * *

N. Learned of his wife's adultery. He is indignant, distressed, buthesitates and keeps silent. He keeps silence and ends by borrowingmoney from Z. , the lover, and continues to consider himself an honestman. 

 * * * * *

When I stop drinking tea and eating bread and butter, I say: "I havehad enough. " But when I stop reading poems or novels, I say: "No moreof that, no more of that. "

 * * * * *

A solicitor lends money at a high rate of interest, and justifieshimself because he is leaving everything to the University of Moscow. 

 * * * * *

A little sexton, with radical views: "Nowadays our fellows crawl outfrom all sorts of unexpected holes. "

 * * * * *

The squire N. Always quarrels with his neighbors who are Molokans[1];he goes to court, abuses and curses them; but when at last they leave, he feels there is an empty place; he ages rapidly and pines away. 

[Footnote 1: Molokans are a religious sect in Russia. ]

 * * * * *

Mordukhanov. 

 * * * * *

With N. And his wife there lives the wife's brother, a lachrymoseyoung man who at one time steals, at another tells lies, at anotherattempts suicide; N. And his wife do not know what to do, they areafraid to turn him out because he might kill himself; they would liketo turn him out, but they do not know how to manage it. For forginga bill he gets into prison, and N. And his wife feel that they are toblame; they cry, grieve. She died from grief; he too died some timelater and everything was left to the brother who squandered it and gotinto prison again. 

 * * * * *

Suppose I had to marry a woman and live in her house, I would run awayin two days, but a woman gets used so quickly to her husband's house, as though she had been born there. 

 * * * * *

Well, you are a Councillor; but whom do you counsel? God forbid thatany one should listen to your counsels. 

 * * * * *

The little town of Torjok. A sitting of the town council. Subject: theraising of the rates. Decision: to invite the Pope to settle down inTorjok--to choose it as his residence. 

 * * * * *

S. 's logic: I am for religious toleration, but against religiousfreedom; one cannot allow what is not in the strict sense orthodox. 

 * * * * *

St. Piony and Epinach. Ii March, Pupli 13 m. 

 * * * * *

Poetry and works of art contain not what is needed but what peopledesire; they do not go further than the crowd and they express onlywhat the best in the crowd desire. 

 * * * * *

A little man is very cautious; he sends even letters of congratulationby registered post in order to get a receipt. 

 * * * * *

Russia is an enormous plain across which wander mischievous men. 

 * * * * *

Platonida Ivanovna. 

 * * * * *

If you are politically sound, that is enough for you to be considereda perfectly satisfactory citizen; the same thing with radicals, to bepolitically unsound is enough, everything else will be ignored. 

 * * * * *

A man who when he fails opens his eyes wide. 

 * * * * *

Ziuzikov. 

 * * * * *

A Councillor of State, a respectable man; it suddenly comes out thathe has secretly kept a brothel. 

 * * * * *

N. Has written a good play; no one praises him or is pleased; they allsay: "We'll see what you write next. "

 * * * * *

The more important people came in by the front door, the simple folkby the back door. 

 * * * * *

He: "And in our town there lived a man whose name was Kishmish(raisin). He called himself Kishmish, but every one knew that he wasKishmish. "

She (after some thought): "How annoying . .. If only his name had beenSultana, but Kishmish!. .. "

 * * * * *

Blagovospitanny. 

 * * * * *

Most honored Iv-Iv-itch!

 * * * * *

How intolerable people are sometimes who are happy and successful ineverything. 

 * * * * *

They begin gossiping that N. Is living with Z. ; little by littlean atmosphere is created in which a liaison of N. And Z. Becomesinevitable. 

 * * * * *

When the locust was a plague, I wrote against the locust and enchantedevery one, I was rich and famous; but now, when the locust has longago disappeared and is forgotten, I am merged in the crowd, forgotten, and not wanted. 

 * * * * *

Merrily, joyfully: "I have the honor to introduce you to Iv. Iv. Izgoyev, my wife's lover. "

 * * * * *

Everywhere on the estate are notices: "Trespassers will beprosecuted, " "Keep off the flowers, " etc. 

 * * * * *

In the great house is a fine library which is talked about but isnever used; they give you watery coffee which you cannot drink; thegarden is tasteless with no flowers in it--and they pretend that allthis is something Tolstoian. 

 * * * * *

He learnt Swedish in order to study Ibsen, spent a lot of time andtrouble, and suddenly realized that Ibsen is not important; he couldnot conceive what use he could now make of the Swedish language. [1]

[Footnote 1: Ibsen wrote in Norwegian of course. Responding toa request for his interpretation of this curious paragraph. Mr. Koteliansky writes:

"Chekhov had a very high opinion of Ibsen; the paragraph, I am sure, is by no means aimed at Ibsen. Most probably the paragraph, as well asmany others in the Notes, is something which C. Either personally orindirectly heard someone say. You will see that Kuprin ["Reminiscencesof Chekhov, " by Gorky, Kuprin and Bunin, New York: Huebsch. ] told C. The anecdote about the actor whose wife asked him to whistle a melodyon the stage during a rehearsal. In C. 's Notes you have that anecdote, somewhat shortened and the names changed, without mentioning thesource. "

"The reader, on the whole, may puzzle his head over many paragraphsin the Notes, but he will hardly find explanations each time. What thereader has to remember is that the Notes are material used by C. Inhis creative activity and as such it throws a great deal of light onC. 's mentality and process of working. "]

 * * * * *

N. Makes a living by exterminating bugs; and for the purposes of histrade he reads the works of ----. If in "The Cossacks, " bugs are notmentioned, it means that "The Cossacks" is a bad book. 

 * * * * *

Man is what he believes. 

 * * * * *

A clever girl: "I cannot pretend . .. I never tell a lie . .. I haveprinciples"--and all the time "I . .. I . .. I . .. "

 * * * * *

N. Is angry with his wife who is an actress, and without her knowledgegets abusive criticisms published about her in the newspapers. 

 * * * * *

A nobleman boasts "This house of mine was built in the time of DmitryDonskoy. "

 * * * * *

"Your Worship, he called my dog a bad name: 'son of a bitch. '"

 * * * * *

The snow fell and did not lie on the ground reddened with blood. 

 * * * * *

He left everything to charity, so that nothing should go to hisrelations and children, whom he hated. 

 * * * * *

A very amorous man; he is no sooner introduced to a girl than hebecomes a he-goat. 

 * * * * *

A nobleman Drekoliev. 

 * * * * *

I dread the idea that a chamberlain will be present at the opening ofmy petition. 

 * * * * *

He was a rationalist, but he had to confess that he liked the ringingof church bells. 

 * * * * *

The father a famous general, nice pictures, expensive furniture; hedied; the daughters received a good education, but are slovenly, readlittle, ride, and are dull. 

 * * * * *

They are honest and truthful so long as it is unnecessary. 

 * * * * *

A rich merchant would like to have a shower bath in his W. C. 

 * * * * *

In the early morning they ate _okroshka_. [1]

[Footnote 1: A cold dish composed of cider and hash. ]

 * * * * *

"If you lose this talisman, " said grandmother, "you will die. " Andsuddenly I lost it, tortured myself, was afraid that I would die. Andnow, imagine, a miracle happened: I found it and continued to live. 

 * * * * *

Everybody goes to the theatre to see my play, to learn somethinginstantly from it, to make some sort of profit, and I tell you: I havenot the time to bother about that canaille. 

 * * * * *

The people hate and despise everything new and useful; when there wascholera, they hated and killed the doctors and they love vodka; by thepeople's love or hatred one can estimate the value of what they loveor hate. 

 * * * * *

Looking out of the window at the corpse which is being borne to thecemetery: "You are dead, you are being carried to the cemetery, and Iwill go and have my breakfast. "

 * * * * *

A Tchech Vtitchka. 

 * * * * *

A man, forty years old, married a girl of twenty-two who read only thevery latest writers, wore green ribbons, slept on yellow pillows, andbelieved in her taste and her opinions as if they were law; she isnice, not silly, and gentle, but he separates from her. 

 * * * * *

When one longs for a drink, it seems as though one could drink a wholeocean--that is faith; but when one begins to drink, one can only drinkaltogether two glasses--that is science. 

 * * * * *

For a farce: Fildekosov, Poprygunov. 

 * * * * *

In former times a nice man, with principles, who wanted to berespected, would try to become a general or priest, but now he goes infor being a writer, professor. .. . 

 * * * * *

There is nothing which history will not justify. 

 * * * * *

Zievoulia. [1]

[Footnote 1: A name or word invented by Chekhov meaning "One who yawnsfor a long time with pleasure. "]

 * * * * *

The crying of a nice child is ugly; so in bad verses you may recognizethat the author is a nice man. 

 * * * * *

If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who used towear felt boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him. 

 * * * * *

I arrive at Yalta. Every room is engaged. I go to the "Italy"--nota room available. "What about my room number 35"--"It is engaged. " Alady. They say: "Would you like to stay with this lady? The lady hasno objection. " I stay in her room. Conversation. Evening. The Tartarguide comes in. My ears are stopped, my eyes blindfolded; I sit andsee nothing and hear nothing. .. . 

 * * * * *

A young lady complains: "My poor brother gets such a smallsalary--only seven thousand!"

 * * * * *

She: "I see only one thing now: you have a large mouth! A large mouth!An enormous mouth!"

 * * * * *

The horse is a useless and pernicious animal; a great deal of land hasto be tilled for it, it accustoms man not to employ his own muscles, it is often an object of luxury; it makes man effeminate. For thefuture not a single horse. 

 * * * * *

N. A singer; speaks to nobody, his throat muffled up--he takes care ofhis voice, but no one has ever heard him sing. 

 * * * * *

About absolutely everything: "What's the good of that? It's useless!"

 * * * * *

He wears felt boots summer and winter and gives this explanation:"It's better for the head, because the blood, owing to the heat, isdrawn down into the feet, and the thoughts are clearer. "

 * * * * *

A woman is jocularly called Fiodor Ivanovitch. 

 * * * * *

A farce: N. , in order to marry, greased the bald patch on his headwith an ointment which he read of in an advertisement, and suddenlythere began to grow on his head pig's bristles. 

 * * * * *

What does your husband do?--He takes castor oil. 

 * * * * *

A girl writes: "We shall live intolerably near you. "

 * * * * *

N. Has been for long in love with Z. Who married X. ; two years afterthe marriage Z. Comes to N. , cries, wishes to tell him something; N. Expects to hear her complain against her husband; but it turns outthat Z. Has come to tell of her love for K. 

 * * * * *

N. A well known lawyer in Moscow; Z. , who like N. Was born inTaganrog, comes to Moscow and goes to see the celebrity; he isreceived warmly, but he remembers the school to which they both went, remembers how N. Looked in his uniform, becomes agitated by envy, seesthat N. 's flat is in bad taste, that N. Himself talks a great deal;and he leaves disenchanted by envy and by the meanness which before hedid not even suspect was in him. 

 * * * * *

The title of a play: The Bat. 

 * * * * *

Everything which the old cannot enjoy is forbidden or consideredwrong. 

 * * * * *

When he was getting on in years, he married a very young girl, and soshe faded and withered away with him. 

 * * * * *

All his life he wrote about capitalism and millions, and he had neverhad any money. 

 * * * * *

A young lady fell in love with a handsome constable. 

 * * * * *

N. Was a very good, fashionable tailor; but he was spoiled and ruinedby trifles; at one time he made an overcoat without pockets, atanother a collar which was much too high. 

 * * * * *

A farce: Agent of freight transport company and of fire insurancecompany. 

 * * * * *

Any one can write a play which might be produced. 

 * * * * *

A country house. Winter. N. , ill, sits in his room. In the eveningthere suddenly arrives from the railway station a stranger Z. , a younggirl, who introduces herself and says that she has come to look afterthe invalid. He is perplexed, frightened, he refuses; then Z. Saysthat at any rate she will stay the night. A day passes, two, and shegoes on living there. She has an unbearable temper, she poisons one'sexistence. 

 * * * * *

A private room in a restaurant. A rich man Z. , tying his napkin roundhis neck, touching the sturgeon with his fork: "At least I'll havea snack before I die"--and he has been saying this for a long time, daily. 

 * * * * *

By his remarks on Strindberg and literature generally L. L. Tolstoireminds one very much of Madam Loukhmav. [1]

[Footnote 1: L. L. Tolstoi was Leo Nicolaievitch'a son, Madame Loukhmava tenth rate woman-writer. ]

 * * * * *

Diedlov, when he speaks of the Deputy Governor or the Governor, becomes a romanticist, remembering "The Arrival of the DeputyGovernor" in the book _A Hundred Russian Writers_. 

 * * * * *

A play: the Bean of Life. 

 * * * * *

A vet. Belongs to the stallion class of people. 

 * * * * *

Consultation. 

 * * * * *

The sun shines and in my soul is darkness. 

 * * * * *

In S. I made the acquaintance of the barrister Z. --a sort of Nika, TheFair . .. He has several children; with all of them he is magisterial, gentle, kind, not a single rude word; I soon learn that he has anotherfamily. Then he invites me to his daughter's wedding; he prays, makesa genuflection, and says: "I still preserve religious feeling; I ama believer. " And when in his presence people speak of education, ofwomen, he has a naïve expression, exactly as if he did not understand. When he makes a speech in Court, his face looks as if he were praying. 

 * * * * *

"Mammy, don't show yourself to the guests, you are very fat. "

 * * * * *

Love? In love? Never! I am a Government clerk. 

 * * * * *

He knows little, even as a babe who has not yet come out of hismother's womb. 

 * * * * *

From childhood until extreme old age N. Has had a passion for spying. 

 * * * * *

He uses clever words, that's all--philosophy . .. Equator . .. (for aplay). 

 * * * * *

The stars have gone out long ago, but they still shine for the crowd. 

 * * * * *

As soon as he became a scholar, he began to expect honors. 

 * * * * *

He was a prompter, but got disgusted and gave it up; for aboutfifteen years he did not go to the theatre; then he went and saw aplay, cried with emotion, felt sad, and, when his wife asked him onhis return how he liked the theatre, he answered: "I do not like it. "

 * * * * *

The parlormaid Nadya fell in love with an exterminator of bugs andblack beetles. 

 * * * * *

A Councillor of State; it came out after his death that, in order toearn a rouble, he was employed at the theatre to bark like a dog; hewas poor. 

 * * * * *

You must have decent, well-dressed children, and your children toomust have a nice house and children, and their children again childrenand nice houses; and what is it all for?--The devil knows. 

 * * * * *

Perkaturin. 

 * * * * *

Every day he forces himself to vomit--for the sake of his health, onthe advice of a friend. 

 * * * * *

A Government official began to live an original life; a very tallchimney on his house, green trousers, blue waistcoat, a dyed dog, dinner at midnight; after a week he gave it up. 

 * * * * *

Success has already given that man a lick with its tongue. 

 * * * * *

In the bill presented by the hotel-keeper: was among other things:"Bugs--fifteen kopecks. " Explanation. 

 * * * * *

"N. Has fallen into poverty. "--"What? I can't hear. "--"I say N. Hasfallen into poverty. "--"What exactly do you say? I can't make out. What N. ?"--"The N. Who married Z. "--"Well, what of it?"--"I say weought to help him. "--"Eh? What him? Why help? What do you mean?"--andso on. 

 * * * * *

How pleasant to sit at home, when the rain is drumming on the roof, and to feel that there are no heavy dull guests coming to one's house. 

 * * * * *

N. Always even after five glasses of wine, takes valerian drops. 

 * * * * *

He lives with a parlormaid who respectfully calls him Your Honor. 

 * * * * *

I rented a country house for the summer; the owner, a very fat oldlady, lived in the lodge, I in the great house; her husband was deadand so were all her children, she was left alone, very fat, the estatesold for debt, her furniture old and in good taste; all day long shereads letters which her husband and son had written to her. Yet she isan optimist. When some one fell ill in my house, she smiled and saidagain and again: "My dear, God will help. "

 * * * * *

N. And Z. Are school friends, each seventeen or eighteen years old;and suddenly N. Learns that Z. Is with child by N. 's father. 

 * * * * *

The priezt came . .. Zaint . .. Praize to thee, O Lord. 

 * * * * *

What empty words these discussions about the rights of women! If a dogwrites a work of talent, they will even accept the dog. 

 * * * * *

Hæmorrhage: "It's an abscess that's just burst inside you . .. It's allright, have some more vodka. "

 * * * * *

The intelligentsia are good for nothing, because they drink a lot oftea, talk a lot in stuffy rooms, with empty bottles. 

 * * * * *

When she was young, she ran away with a doctor, a Jew, and hada daughter by him; now she hates her past, hates the red-haireddaughter, and the father still loves her as well as the daughter, andwalks under her window, chubby and handsome. 

 * * * * *

He picked his teeth and put the toothpick back into the glass. 

 * * * * *

The husband and wife could not sleep; they began to discuss how badliterature had become and how nice it would be to publish a magazine:the idea carried them away; they lay awake silent for awhile. "Shallwe ask Boborykin to write?" he asked. "Certainly, do ask him. " At fivein the morning he starts for his work at the depot; she sees him offwalking in the snow to the gate, shuts the gate after him. .. . "Andshall we ask Potapenko?" he asks, already outside the gate. 

 * * * * *

When he learnt that his father had been raised to the nobility hebegan to sign himself Alexis. 

 * * * * *

Teacher: "'The collision of a train with human victims' . .. That iswrong . .. It ought to be 'the collision of a train that resulted inhuman victims' . .. For the cause of the people on the line. "

 * * * * *

Title of play: Golden Rain. 

 * * * * *

There is not a single criterion which can serve as the measure of thenon-existent, of the non-human. 

 * * * * *

A patriot: "And do you know that our Russian macaroni is betterthan the Italian? I'll prove it to you. Once at Nice they brought mesturgeon--do you know, I nearly cried. " And the patriot did not seethat he was only gastronomically patriotic. 

 * * * * *

A grumbler: "But is turkey food? Is caviare food?"

 * * * * *

A very sensible, clever young woman; when she was bathing, he noticedthat she had a narrow pelvis and pitifully thin hips--and he got tohate her. 

 * * * * *

A clock. Yegor the locksmith's clock at one time loses and at anothergains exactly as if to spite him; deliberately it is now at twelve andthen quite suddenly at eight. It does it out of animosity as thoughthe devil were in it. The locksmith tries to find out the cause, andonce he plunges it in holy water. 

 * * * * *

Formerly the heroes in novels and stories (e. G. Petchorin, Onyeguin)were twenty years old, but now one cannot have a hero under thirty tothirty-five years. The same will soon happen with heroines. 

 * * * * *

N. Is the son of a famous father; he is very nice, but, whatever hedoes, every one says: "That is very well, but it is nothing to thefather. " Once he gave a recitation at an evening party; all theperformers had a success, but of him they said: "That is very well, but still it is nothing to the father. " He went home and got into bedand, looking at his father's portrait, shook his fist at him. 

 * * * * *

We fret ourselves to reform life, in order that posterity may behappy, and posterity will say as usual: "In the past it used to bebetter, the present is worse than the past. "

 * * * * *

My motto: I don't want anything. 

 * * * * *

When a decent working-man takes himself and his work critically, people call him grumbler, idler, bore; but when an idle scoundrelshouts that it is necessary to work, he is applauded. 

 * * * * *

When a woman destroys things like a man, people think it natural andeverybody understands it; but when like a man, she wishes or tries tocreate, people think it unnatural and cannot reconcile themselves toit. 

 * * * * *

When I married, I became an old woman. 

 * * * * *

He looked down on the world from the height of his baseness. 

 * * * * *

"Your fiancée is very pretty. " "To me all women are alike. "

 * * * * *

He dreamt of winning three hundred thousand in lottery, twice insuccession, because three hundred thousand would not be enough forhim. 

 * * * * *

N. , a retired Councillor of State, lives in the country; he issixty-six. He is educated, liberal-minded, reads, likes an argument. He learns from his guests that the new coroner Z. Walks about with aslipper on one foot and a boot on the other, and lives with anotherman's wife. N. Thinks all the time of Z. ; he does nothing but talkabout him, how he walks about in one slipper and lives with anotherman's wife; he talks of nothing else; at last he goes to sleep withhis own wife (he has not slept with her for the last eight years), heis agitated and the whole time talks about Z. Finally he has a stroke, his arm and leg are paralyzed--and all this from agitation about Z. The doctor comes. With him too N. Talks about Z. The doctor says thathe knows Z. , that Z. Now wears two boots, his leg being well, and thathe has married the lady. 

 * * * * *

I hope that in the next world I shall be able to look back at thislife and say: "Those were beautiful dreams. .. . "

 * * * * *

The squire N. , looking at the undergraduate and the young girl, the children of his steward Z. : "I am sure Z. Steals from me, livesgrandly on stolen money, the undergraduate and the girl know it orought to know it; why then do they look so decent?"

 * * * * *

She is fond of the word "compromise, " and often uses it; "I amincapable of compromise. .. . " "A board which has the shape of aparallelepiped. "

 * * * * *

The hereditary honorable citizen Oziaboushkin always tries to make outthat his ancestors had the right to the title of Count. 

 * * * * *

"He is a perfect dab at it. " "O, O, don't use that expression; mymother is very particular. "

 * * * * *

I have just married my third husband . .. The name of the firstwas Ivan Makarivitch . .. Of the second Peter . .. Peter . .. I haveforgotten. 

 * * * * *

The writer Gvozdikov thinks that he is very famous, that every oneknows him. He arrives at S. , meets an officer who shakes his hand fora long time, looking with rapture into his face. G. Is glad, hetoo shakes hands warmly. .. . At last the officer: "And how is yourorchestra? Aren't you the conductor?"

 * * * * *

Morning; M. 's mustaches are in curl papers. 

 * * * * *

And it seemed to him that he was highly respected and valuedeverywhere, anywhere, even in railway buffets, and so he always atewith a smile on his face. 

 * * * * *

The birds sing, and already it begins to seem to him that they do notsing, but whine. 

 * * * * *

N. , father of a family, listens to his son reading aloud J. J. Rousseauto the family, and thinks: "Well, at any rate, J. J. Rousseau had nogold medal on his breast, but I have one. "

 * * * * *

N. Has a spree with his step-son, an undergraduate, and they go to abrothel. In the morning the undergraduate is going away, his leave isup; N. Sees him off. The undergraduate reads him a sermon on theirbad behavior; they quarrel. N: "As your father, I curse you. "--"And Icurse you. "

 * * * * *

A doctor is called in, but a nurse sent for. 

 * * * * *

N. N. V. Never agrees with anyone: "Yes, the ceiling is white, thatcan be admitted; but white, as far as is known, consists of the sevencolors of the spectrum, and it is quite possible that in this caseone of the colors is darker or brighter than is necessary for theproduction of pure white; I had rather think a bit before saying thatthe ceiling is white. "

 * * * * *

He holds himself exactly as though he were an icon. 

 * * * * *

"Are you in love?"--"There's a little bit of that in it. "

 * * * * *

Whatever happens, he says: "It is the priests. "

 * * * * *

Firzikov. 

 * * * * *

N. Dreams that he is returning from abroad, and that at Verzhbolovo, in spite of his protests, they make him pay duty on his wife. 

 * * * * *

When that radical, having dined with his coat off, walked into hisbedroom and I saw the braces on his back, it became clear to me thatthat radical is a bourgeois, a hopeless bourgeois. 

 * * * * *

Some one saw Z. , an unbeliever and blasphemer, secretly praying infront of the icon in the cathedral, and they all teased him. 

 * * * * *

They called the manager "four-funneled cruiser, " because he hadalready gone "through the chimney" (bankrupt) four times. 

 * * * * *

He is not stupid, he was at the university, has studied long andassiduously, but in writing he makes gross mistakes. 

 * * * * *

Countess Nadin's daughter gradually turns into a housekeeper; she isvery timid, and can only say "No-o, " "Yes-s, " and her hands alwaystremble. Somehow or other a Zemstvo official wished to marry her; heis a widower and she marries him, with him too it was "Yes-s, " "No-o";she was very much afraid of her husband and did not love him; one dayhe happened to give a loud cough, it gave her a fright, and she died. 

 * * * * *

Caressing her lover: "My vulture. "

 * * * * *

For a play: If only you would say something funny. But for twentyyears we have lived together and you have always talked of seriousthings; I hate serious things. 

 * * * * *

A cook, with a cigarette in her mouth, lies: "I studied at a highschool . .. I know what for the earth is round. "

 * * * * *

"Society for finding and raising anchors of steamers and barges, " andthe Society's agent at all functions without fail makes a speech, à laN. , and without fail promises. 

 * * * * *

Super-mysticism. 

 * * * * *

When I become rich, I shall have a harem in which I shall keep fatnaked women, with their buttocks painted green. 

 * * * * *

A shy young man came on a visit for the night: suddenly a deaf oldwoman came into his room, carrying a cupping-glass, and bled him; hethought that this must be the usual thing and so did not protest; inthe morning it turned out that the old woman had made a mistake. 

 * * * * *

Surname: Verstax. 

 * * * * *

The more stupid the peasant, the better does the horse understand him. 

THEMES, THOUGHTS, NOTES, AND FRAGMENTS. 

. .. How stupid and for the most part how false, since if one man seeksto devour another or tell him something unpleasant it has nothing todo with Granovsky. [1]

[Footnote 1: A well-known Radical professor, a Westerner. ]

 * * * * *

I left Gregory Ivanovitch's feeling crushed and mortally offended. I was irritated by smooth words and by those who speak them, and onreaching home I meditated thus: some rail at the world, others at thecrowd, that is to say praise the past and blame the present; they cryout that there are no ideals and so on, but all this has already beensaid twenty or thirty years ago; these are worn-out forms which havealready served their time, and whoever repeats them now, he too is nolonger young and is himself worn out. With last year's foliage theredecay too those who live in it. I thought, we uncultured, worn-outpeople, banal in speech, stereotyped in intentions, have grown quitemouldy, and, while we intellectuals are rummaging among old rags and, according to the old Russian custom, biting one another, there isboiling up around us a life which we neither know nor notice. Greatevents will take us unawares, like sleeping fairies, and you will seethat Sidorov, the merchant, and the teacher of the school atYeletz, who see and know more than we do, will push us far into thebackground, because they will accomplish more than all of us puttogether. And I thought that were we now to obtain political liberty, of which we talk so much, while engaged in biting one another, weshould not know what to do with it, we should waste it in accusing oneanother in the newspapers of being spies and money-grubbers, we shouldfrighten society with the assurance that we have neither men, norscience, nor literature, nothing! Nothing! And to scare society as weare doing now, and as we shall continue to do, means to deprive itof courage; it means simply to declare that we have no social orpolitical sense in us. And I also thought that, before the dawn of anew life has broken, we shall turn into sinister old men and women andwe shall be the first who, in our hatred of that dawn, will calumniateit. 

 * * * * *

Mother never stops talking about poverty. It is very strange. In thefirst place, it is strange that we are poor, beg like beggars, and atthe same time eat superbly, live in a large house; in the summer we goto our own country house, and generally speaking we do not look likebeggars. Evidently this is not poverty, but something else, and ratherworse. Secondly, it is strange that for the last ten years mother hasbeen spending all her energy solely on getting money to pay interest. It seems to me that were mother to spend that terrible energy onsomething else, we could have twenty such houses. Thirdly, it seems tome strange that the hardest work in the family is done by mother, notby me. To me that is the strangest thing of all, most terrible. Shehas, as she has just said, a thought on her brain, she begs, shehumiliates herself; our debts grow daily and up till now I have notdone a single thing to help her. What can I do? I think and think andcannot make it out. I only see clearly that we are rushing down aninclined plane, but to what, the devil knows. They say that povertythreatens us and that in poverty there is disgrace, but that too Icannot understand, since I was never poor. 

 * * * * *

The spiritual life of these women is as gray and dull as their facesand dresses; they speak of science, literature, tendencies, and thelike, only because they are the wives and sisters of scholars andliterary men; were they the wives and sisters of inspectors or ofdentists, they would speak with the same zeal of fires or teeth. To allow them to speak of science, which is foreign to them, and tolisten to them, is to flatter their ignorance. 

 * * * * *

Essentially all this is crude and meaningless, and romantic loveappears as meaningless as an avalanche which involuntarily rolls downa mountain and overwhelms people. But when one listens to music, allthis is: that some people lie in their graves and sleep, and that onewoman is alive--gray-haired, she is sitting in a box in the theatre, quiet and majestic, and the avalanche seems no longer meaningless, since in nature everything has a meaning. And everything is forgiven, and it would be strange not to forgive. 

 * * * * *

Olga Ivanovna regarded old chairs, stools, sofas, with the samerespectful tenderness as she regarded old dogs and horses, and herroom, therefore, was something like an alms-house for furniture. Round the mirror, on all tables and shelves, stood photographs ofuninteresting, half-forgotten people; on the walls hung pictures atwhich nobody ever looked; and it was always dark in the room, becausethere burnt there only one lamp with a blue shade. 

 * * * * *

If you cry "Forward, " you must without fail explain in which directionone must go. Do you not see that, if without explaining thedirection, you fire off this word simultaneously at a monk and at arevolutionary, they will proceed in precisely opposite directions?

 * * * * *

It is said in Holy Writ: "Fathers, do not irritate your children, "even the wicked and good-for-nothing children; but the fathersirritate me, irritate me terribly. My contemporaries chime in withthem and the youngsters follow, and every minute they strike me in theface with their smooth words. 

 * * * * *

That the aunt suffered and did not show it gave him the impression ofa trick. 

 * * * * *

O. I. Was in constant motion; such women, like bees, carry about afertilizing pollen. .. . 

 * * * * *

Don't marry a rich woman--she will drive you out of the house; don'tmarry a poor woman--you won't sleep; but marry the freest freedom, thelot and life of a Cossack. (Ukrainian saying. )

 * * * * *

_Aliosha_: "I often hear people say: 'Before marriage there isromance, and then--goodbye, illusion!' How heartless and coarse itis. "

 * * * * *

So long as a man likes the splashing of a fish, he is a poet; but whenhe knows that the splashing is nothing but the chase of the weak bythe strong, he is a thinker; but when he does not understand whatsense there is in the chase, or what use in the equilibrium whichresults from destruction, he is becoming silly and dull, as hewas when a child. And the more he knows and thinks, the sillier hebecomes. 

 * * * * *

_The death of a child_. I have no sooner sat down in peacethan--bang--fate lets fly at me. 

 * * * * *

The she-wolf, nervous and anxious, fond of her young, dragged away afoal into her winter-shelter, thinking him a lamb. She knew that therewas a ewe there and that the ewe had young. While she was draggingthe foal away, suddenly some one whistled; she was alarmed and droppedhim, but he followed her. They arrived at the shelter. He began tosuck like the young wolves. Throughout the winter he changed butlittle; he only grew thin and his legs longer, and the spot onhis forehead turned into a triangle. The she-wolf was in delicatehealth. [1]

[Footnote 1: A sketch of part of the story "Whitehead. "]

 * * * * *

They invited celebrities to these evening parties, and it was dullbecause there are few people of talent in Moscow, and the same singersand reciters performed at all evening parties. 

 * * * * *

She has not before felt herself so free and easy with a man. 

 * * * * *

You wait until you grow up and I'll teach you declamation. 

 * * * * *

It seemed to her that at the show many of the pictures were alike. 

 * * * * *

There filed up before you a whole line of laundry-maids. 

 * * * * *

Kostya insisted that the women had robbed themselves. 

 * * * * *

L. Put himself in the place of the juryman and interpreted it thus: ifit was a case of house-breaking, then there was no theft, because thelaundresses themselves sold the linen and spent the money ondrink; but if it was a case of theft, then there could have been nohouse-breaking. 

 * * * * *

Fiodor was flattered that his brother had found him at the same tablewith a famous actor. 

 * * * * *

When Y. Spoke or ate, his beard moved as if he had no teeth in hismouth. 

 * * * * *

Ivashin loved Nadya Vishnyevsky and was afraid of his love. When thebutler told him that the old lady had just gone out, but the younglady was at home, he fumbled in his fur coat and dress-coat pocket, found his card, and said: "Right. "

But it was not all right. Driving from his house in the morning, topay a visit, he thought that he was compelled to it by conventions ofsociety, which weighed heavily upon him. But now it was clear tohim that he went to pay calls only because somewhere far away in thedepths of his soul, as under a veil, there lay hidden a hope that hewould see Nadya. .. . And he suddenly felt pitiful, sad, and a littlefrightened. .. . 

 * * * * *

In his soul, it seemed to him, it was snowing, and everything fadedaway. He was afraid to love Nadya, because he was too old for her, thought his appearance unattractive, and did not believe thatyoung girls like Nadya could love men for their minds and spiritualqualities. Still there would at times rise in him something like ahope. But now, from the moment when the officer's spurs jingled andthen died away, there also died away his timid love. .. . All was at anend, hope was impossible. .. . "Yes, now all is finished, " he thought, "I am glad, very glad. "

 * * * * *

He imagined his wife to be not Nadya, but always, for some reason, astout woman with a large bosom, covered with Venetian lace. 

 * * * * *

The clerks in the office of the Governor of the island have a drunkenheadache. They long for a drink. They have no money. What is to bedone? One of them, a convict who is serving his time here for forgery, devises a plan. He goes to the church, where a former officer, nowexiled for giving his superior a box on the ears, sings in the choir, and says to him panting: "Here! There's a pardon come for you! Theyhave got a telegram in the office. "

The late officer turns pale, trembles, and can hardly walk forexcitement. 

"But for such news you ought to give something for a drink, " says theclerk. 

"Take all I have! All!"

And he hands him some five roubles. .. . He arrives at the office. Theofficer is afraid that he may die from joy and presses his hand to hisheart. 

"Where is the telegram?"

"The bookkeeper has put it away. " (He goes to the bookkeeper. ) Generallaughter and an invitation to drink with them. 

"How terrible!"

After that the officer was ill for a week. [1]

[Footnote 1: An episode which Chekhov heard during his journey in theisland, Saghalien. ]

 * * * * *

Fedya, the steward's brother-in-law, told Ivanov that wild-duck werefeeding on the other side of the wood. He loaded his gun with slugs. Suddenly a wolf appeared. He fired and smashed both the wolf's hips. The wolf was mad with pain and did not see him. "What can I do foryou, dear?" He thought and thought, and then went home and calledPeter. .. . Peter took a stick, and with an awful grimace, began to beatthe wolf. .. . He beat and beat and beat until it died. .. . He broke intoa sweat and went away, without saying a single word. 

 * * * * *

_Vera_: "I do not respect you, because you married so strangely, because nothing came of you. .. . That is why I have secrets from you. "

 * * * * *

It is unfortunate that we try to solve the simplest questionscleverly, and therefore make them unusually complicated. We shouldseek a simple solution. 

 * * * * *

There is no Monday which will not give its place to Tuesday. 

 * * * * *

I am happy and satisfied, sister, but if I were born a second timeand were asked: "Do you want to marry?" I should answer: "No. " "Do youwant to have money?" "No. .. . "

 * * * * *

Lenstchka liked dukes and counts in novels, not ordinary persons. Sheloved the chapters in which there is love, pure and ideal not sensual. Descriptions of nature she did not like. She preferred conversationsto descriptions. While reading the beginning she would glanceimpatiently at the end. She did not remember the names of authors. She wrote with a pencil in the margins: "Wonderful!" "Beautiful!" or"Serve him right!"

 * * * * *

Lenstchka sang without opening her mouth. 

 * * * * *

_Post coitum_: We Balderiovs always excelled in vigor and health. 

 * * * * *

He drove in a cab, and, as he watched his son walking away, thought:"Perhaps, he belongs to the race of men who will no longer trundle inscurvy cabs, as I do, but will fly through the skies in balloons. "

 * * * * *

She is so beautiful that it is even frightening; dark eye-brows. 

 * * * * *

The son says nothing, but the wife feels him to be an enemy; she feelsthat he has overheard everything. .. . 

 * * * * *

What a lot of idiots there are among ladies. People get so used to itthat they do not notice it. 

 * * * * *

They often go to the theatre and read serious magazines--and yet arespiteful and immoral. 

 * * * * *

_Nat_: "I never have fits of hysterics. I am not a pampereddarling. "[1]

[Footnote 1: This and the following few passages are from the roughdraft of Chekhov's play _Three Sisters_. ]

 * * * * *

_Nat_: (continually to her sisters): "O, how ugly you have grown. O, how old you do look!"

 * * * * *

To live one must have something to hang on to. .. . In the provincesonly the body works, not the spirit. 

 * * * * *

You won't become a saint through other people's sins. 

 * * * * *

_Koulyguin_: "I am a jolly fellow, I infect every one with my mood. "

 * * * * *

_Koul_. Gives lessons at rich houses. 

 * * * * *

_Koul_. In Act IV without mustaches. 

 * * * * *

The wife implores the husband: "Don't get fat. "

 * * * * *

O if there were a life in which every one grew younger and morebeautiful. 

 * * * * *

_Irene_: "It is hard to live without a father, without amother. "--"And without a husband. "--"Yes, without a husband. Whomcould one confide in? To whom could one complain? With whom could oneshare ones's joy? One must love some one strongly. "

 * * * * *

_Koulyguin_ (to his wife): "I am so happy to be married to you, thatI consider it ungentlemanly and improper to speak of or even mention adowry. Hush, don't say anything. .. . "

 * * * * *

The doctor enjoys being at the duel. 

 * * * * *

It is difficult to live without orderlies. You cannot make theservants answer your bell. 

 * * * * *

The 2nd, 3rd, and 6th companies left at 4, and we leave at 12sharp. [1]

[Footnote 1: Here the fragments from the rough draft of _ThreeSisters_ end. ]

 * * * * *

In the daytime conversations about the loose manners of the girls insecondary schools, in the evening a lecture on degeneration and thedecline of everything, and at night, after all this, one longs toshoot oneself. 

 * * * * *

In the life of our towns there is no pessimism, no Marxism, and nomovements, but there is stagnation, stupidity, mediocrity. 

 * * * * *

He had a thirst for life, but it seemed to him to mean that he wanteda drink--and he drank wine. 

 * * * * *

F. In the town-hall: Serguey Nik. In a plaintive voice: "Gentlemen, where can we get the means? Our town is poor. "

 * * * * *

To be idle involuntarily means to listen to what is being said, to seewhat is being done; but he who works and is occupied hears little andsees little. 

 * * * * *

In the skating rink he raced after L. ; he wanted to overtake her andit seemed as if it were life which he wanted to overtake, that lifewhich one cannot bring back or overtake or catch, just as one cannotcatch one's shadow. 

 * * * * *

Only one thought reconciled him to the doctor: just as he had sufferedfrom the doctor's ignorance, so perhaps some one was suffering fromhis mistakes. 

 * * * * *

But isn't it strange? In the whole town there is not a singlemusician, not a single orator, not a prominent man. 

 * * * * *

Honorable Justice of the Peace, Honorable Member of the Children'sShelter--all honorable. 

 * * * * *

L. Studied and studied--but people who had finished developing couldnot understand her, nor could the young. _Ut consecutivum_. 

 * * * * *

He is dark, with little side-whiskers, dressed like a dandy, darkeyes, a warm brunet. He exterminates bugs, talks about earthquakes andChina. His fiancée has a dowry of 8, 000 roubles; she is very handsome, as her aunt says. He is an agent for a fire-insurance company, etc. "You're awfully pretty, my darling, awfully. And 8, 000 into thebargain! You are a beauty; when I looked at you to-day, a shiver randown my back. "

 * * * * *

_He_: Earthquakes are caused by the evaporation of water. 

 * * * * *

Names: Goose, Pan, Oyster. 

"Were I abroad, they would give me a medal for such a surname. "

 * * * * *

I can't be said to be handsome, but I am rather pretty.