MUDFOG AND OTHER SKETCHES

Contents:

I. PUBLIC LIFE OF MR. TULRUMBLE--ONCE MAYOR OF MUDFOGII. FULL REPORT OF THE FIRST MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHINGIII. FULL REPORT OF THE SECOND MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHINGIV. THE PANTOMIME OF LIFEV. SOME PARTICULARS CONCERNING A LIONVI. MR. ROBERT BOLTON: THE 'GENTLEMAN CONNECTED WITH THE PRESS'VII. FAMILIAR EPISTLE FROM A PARENT TO A CHILD AGED TWO YEARS ANDTWO MONTHS

PUBLIC LIFE OF MR. TULRUMBLE--ONCE MAYOR OF MUDFOG

Mudfog is a pleasant town--a remarkably pleasant town--situated ina charming hollow by the side of a river, from which river, Mudfogderives an agreeable scent of pitch, tar, coals, and rope-yarn, aroving population in oilskin hats, a pretty steady influx ofdrunken bargemen, and a great many other maritime advantages. There is a good deal of water about Mudfog, and yet it is notexactly the sort of town for a watering-place, either. Water is aperverse sort of element at the best of times, and in Mudfog it isparticularly so. In winter, it comes oozing down the streets andtumbling over the fields, --nay, rushes into the very cellars andkitchens of the houses, with a lavish prodigality that might wellbe dispensed with; but in the hot summer weather it WILL dry up, and turn green: and, although green is a very good colour in itsway, especially in grass, still it certainly is not becoming towater; and it cannot be denied that the beauty of Mudfog is ratherimpaired, even by this trifling circumstance. Mudfog is a healthyplace--very healthy;--damp, perhaps, but none the worse for that. It's quite a mistake to suppose that damp is unwholesome: plantsthrive best in damp situations, and why shouldn't men? Theinhabitants of Mudfog are unanimous in asserting that there existsnot a finer race of people on the face of the earth; here we havean indisputable and veracious contradiction of the vulgar error atonce. So, admitting Mudfog to be damp, we distinctly state that itis salubrious. 

The town of Mudfog is extremely picturesque. Limehouse andRatcliff Highway are both something like it, but they give you avery faint idea of Mudfog. There are a great many more public-houses in Mudfog--more than in Ratcliff Highway and Limehouse puttogether. The public buildings, too, are very imposing. Weconsider the town-hall one of the finest specimens of shedarchitecture, extant: it is a combination of the pig-sty and tea-garden-box orders; and the simplicity of its design is ofsurpassing beauty. The idea of placing a large window on one sideof the door, and a small one on the other, is particularly happy. There is a fine old Doric beauty, too, about the padlock andscraper, which is strictly in keeping with the general effect. 

In this room do the mayor and corporation of Mudfog assembletogether in solemn council for the public weal. Seated on themassive wooden benches, which, with the table in the centre, formthe only furniture of the whitewashed apartment, the sage men ofMudfog spend hour after hour in grave deliberation. Here theysettle at what hour of the night the public-houses shall be closed, at what hour of the morning they shall be permitted to open, howsoon it shall be lawful for people to eat their dinner on church-days, and other great political questions; and sometimes, longafter silence has fallen on the town, and the distant lights fromthe shops and houses have ceased to twinkle, like far-off stars, tothe sight of the boatmen on the river, the illumination in the twounequal-sized windows of the town-hall, warns the inhabitants ofMudfog that its little body of legislators, like a larger andbetter-known body of the same genus, a great deal more noisy, andnot a whit more profound, are patriotically dozing away in company, far into the night, for their country's good. 

Among this knot of sage and learned men, no one was so eminentlydistinguished, during many years, for the quiet modesty of hisappearance and demeanour, as Nicholas Tulrumble, the well-knowncoal-dealer. However exciting the subject of discussion, howeveranimated the tone of the debate, or however warm the personalitiesexchanged, (and even in Mudfog we get personal sometimes, ) NicholasTulrumble was always the same. To say truth, Nicholas, being anindustrious man, and always up betimes, was apt to fall asleep whena debate began, and to remain asleep till it was over, when hewould wake up very much refreshed, and give his vote with thegreatest complacency. The fact was, that Nicholas Tulrumble, knowing that everybody there had made up his mind beforehand, considered the talking as just a long botheration about nothing atall; and to the present hour it remains a question, whether, onthis point at all events, Nicholas Tulrumble was not pretty nearright. 

Time, which strews a man's head with silver, sometimes fills hispockets with gold. As he gradually performed one good office forNicholas Tulrumble, he was obliging enough, not to omit the other. Nicholas began life in a wooden tenement of four feet square, witha capital of two and ninepence, and a stock in trade of threebushels and a-half of coals, exclusive of the large lump whichhung, by way of sign-board, outside. Then he enlarged the shed, and kept a truck; then he left the shed, and the truck too, andstarted a donkey and a Mrs. Tulrumble; then he moved again and setup a cart; the cart was soon afterwards exchanged for a waggon; andso he went on like his great predecessor Whittington--only withouta cat for a partner--increasing in wealth and fame, until at lasthe gave up business altogether, and retired with Mrs. Tulrumble andfamily to Mudfog Hall, which he had himself erected, on somethingwhich he attempted to delude himself into the belief was a hill, about a quarter of a mile distant from the town of Mudfog. 

About this time, it began to be murmured in Mudfog that NicholasTulrumble was growing vain and haughty; that prosperity and successhad corrupted the simplicity of his manners, and tainted thenatural goodness of his heart; in short, that he was setting up fora public character, and a great gentleman, and affected to lookdown upon his old companions with compassion and contempt. Whetherthese reports were at the time well-founded, or not, certain it isthat Mrs. Tulrumble very shortly afterwards started a four-wheelchaise, driven by a tall postilion in a yellow cap, --that Mr. Tulrumble junior took to smoking cigars, and calling the footman a'feller, '--and that Mr. Tulrumble from that time forth, was no moreseen in his old seat in the chimney-corner of the Lighterman's Armsat night. This looked bad; but, more than this, it began to beobserved that Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble attended the corporationmeetings more frequently than heretofore; and he no longer went tosleep as he had done for so many years, but propped his eyelidsopen with his two forefingers; that he read the newspapers byhimself at home; and that he was in the habit of indulging abroadin distant and mysterious allusions to 'masses of people, ' and 'theproperty of the country, ' and 'productive power, ' and 'the moniedinterest:' all of which denoted and proved that Nicholas Tulrumblewas either mad, or worse; and it puzzled the good people of Mudfogamazingly. 

At length, about the middle of the month of October, Mr. Tulrumbleand family went up to London; the middle of October being, as Mrs. Tulrumble informed her acquaintance in Mudfog, the very height ofthe fashionable season. 

Somehow or other, just about this time, despite the health-preserving air of Mudfog, the Mayor died. It was a mostextraordinary circumstance; he had lived in Mudfog for eighty-fiveyears. The corporation didn't understand it at all; indeed it waswith great difficulty that one old gentleman, who was a greatstickler for forms, was dissuaded from proposing a vote of censureon such unaccountable conduct. Strange as it was, however, die hedid, without taking the slightest notice of the corporation; andthe corporation were imperatively called upon to elect hissuccessor. So, they met for the purpose; and being very full ofNicholas Tulrumble just then, and Nicholas Tulrumble being a veryimportant man, they elected him, and wrote off to London by thevery next post to acquaint Nicholas Tulrumble with his newelevation. 

Now, it being November time, and Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble being inthe capital, it fell out that he was present at the Lord Mayor'sshow and dinner, at sight of the glory and splendour whereof, he, Mr. Tulrumble, was greatly mortified, inasmuch as the reflectionwould force itself on his mind, that, had he been born in Londoninstead of in Mudfog, he might have been a Lord Mayor too, and havepatronized the judges, and been affable to the Lord Chancellor, andfriendly with the Premier, and coldly condescending to theSecretary to the Treasury, and have dined with a flag behind hisback, and done a great many other acts and deeds which unto LordMayors of London peculiarly appertain. The more he thought of theLord Mayor, the more enviable a personage he seemed. To be a Kingwas all very well; but what was the King to the Lord Mayor! Whenthe King made a speech, everybody knew it was somebody else'swriting; whereas here was the Lord Mayor, talking away for half anhour-all out of his own head--amidst the enthusiastic applause ofthe whole company, while it was notorious that the King might talkto his parliament till he was black in the face without getting somuch as a single cheer. As all these reflections passed throughthe mind of Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble, the Lord Mayor of Londonappeared to him the greatest sovereign on the face of the earth, beating the Emperor of Russia all to nothing, and leaving the GreatMogul immeasurably behind. 

Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble was pondering over these things, andinwardly cursing the fate which had pitched his coal-shed inMudfog, when the letter of the corporation was put into his hand. A crimson flush mantled over his face as he read it, for visions ofbrightness were already dancing before his imagination. 

'My dear, ' said Mr. Tulrumble to his wife, 'they have elected me, Mayor of Mudfog. '

'Lor-a-mussy!' said Mrs. Tulrumble: 'why what's become of oldSniggs?'

'The late Mr. Sniggs, Mrs. Tulrumble, ' said Mr. Tulrumble sharply, for he by no means approved of the notion of unceremoniouslydesignating a gentleman who filled the high office of Mayor, as'Old Sniggs, '--'The late Mr. Sniggs, Mrs. Tulrumble, is dead. '

The communication was very unexpected; but Mrs. Tulrumble onlyejaculated 'Lor-a-mussy!' once again, as if a Mayor were a mereordinary Christian, at which Mr. Tulrumble frowned gloomily. 

'What a pity 'tan't in London, ain't it?' said Mrs. Tulrumble, after a short pause; 'what a pity 'tan't in London, where you mighthave had a show. '

'I MIGHT have a show in Mudfog, if I thought proper, I apprehend, 'said Mr. Tulrumble mysteriously. 

'Lor! so you might, I declare, ' replied Mrs. Tulrumble. 

'And a good one too, ' said Mr. Tulrumble. 

'Delightful!' exclaimed Mrs. Tulrumble. 

'One which would rather astonish the ignorant people down there, 'said Mr. Tulrumble. 

'It would kill them with envy, ' said Mrs. Tulrumble. 

So it was agreed that his Majesty's lieges in Mudfog should beastonished with splendour, and slaughtered with envy, and that sucha show should take place as had never been seen in that town, or inany other town before, --no, not even in London itself. 

On the very next day after the receipt of the letter, down came thetall postilion in a post-chaise, --not upon one of the horses, butinside--actually inside the chaise, --and, driving up to the verydoor of the town-hall, where the corporation were assembled, delivered a letter, written by the Lord knows who, and signed byNicholas Tulrumble, in which Nicholas said, all through four sidesof closely-written, gilt-edged, hot-pressed, Bath post letterpaper, that he responded to the call of his fellow-townsmen withfeelings of heartfelt delight; that he accepted the arduous officewhich their confidence had imposed upon him; that they would neverfind him shrinking from the discharge of his duty; that he wouldendeavour to execute his functions with all that dignity whichtheir magnitude and importance demanded; and a great deal more tothe same effect. But even this was not all. The tall postilionproduced from his right-hand top-boot, a damp copy of thatafternoon's number of the county paper; and there, in large type, running the whole length of the very first column, was a longaddress from Nicholas Tulrumble to the inhabitants of Mudfog, inwhich he said that he cheerfully complied with their requisition, and, in short, as if to prevent any mistake about the matter, toldthem over again what a grand fellow he meant to be, in very muchthe same terms as those in which he had already told them all aboutthe matter in his letter. 

The corporation stared at one another very hard at all this, andthen looked as if for explanation to the tall postilion, but as thetall postilion was intently contemplating the gold tassel on thetop of his yellow cap, and could have afforded no explanationwhatever, even if his thoughts had been entirely disengaged, theycontented themselves with coughing very dubiously, and looking verygrave. The tall postilion then delivered another letter, in whichNicholas Tulrumble informed the corporation, that he intendedrepairing to the town-hall, in grand state and gorgeous procession, on the Monday afternoon next ensuing. At this the corporationlooked still more solemn; but, as the epistle wound up with aformal invitation to the whole body to dine with the Mayor on thatday, at Mudfog Hall, Mudfog Hill, Mudfog, they began to see the funof the thing directly, and sent back their compliments, and they'dbe sure to come. 

Now there happened to be in Mudfog, as somehow or other there doeshappen to be, in almost every town in the British dominions, andperhaps in foreign dominions too--we think it very likely, but, being no great traveller, cannot distinctly say--there happened tobe, in Mudfog, a merry-tempered, pleasant-faced, good-for-nothingsort of vagabond, with an invincible dislike to manual labour, andan unconquerable attachment to strong beer and spirits, whomeverybody knew, and nobody, except his wife, took the trouble toquarrel with, who inherited from his ancestors the appellation ofEdward Twigger, and rejoiced in the sobriquet of Bottle-nosed Ned. He was drunk upon the average once a day, and penitent upon anequally fair calculation once a month; and when he was penitent, hewas invariably in the very last stage of maudlin intoxication. Hewas a ragged, roving, roaring kind of fellow, with a burly form, asharp wit, and a ready head, and could turn his hand to anythingwhen he chose to do it. He was by no means opposed to hard labouron principle, for he would work away at a cricket-match by the daytogether, --running, and catching, and batting, and bowling, andrevelling in toil which would exhaust a galley-slave. He wouldhave been invaluable to a fire-office; never was a man with such anatural taste for pumping engines, running up ladders, and throwingfurniture out of two-pair-of-stairs' windows: nor was this theonly element in which he was at home; he was a humane society inhimself, a portable drag, an animated life-preserver, and had savedmore people, in his time, from drowning, than the Plymouth life-boat, or Captain Manby's apparatus. With all these qualifications, notwithstanding his dissipation, Bottle-nosed Ned was a generalfavourite; and the authorities of Mudfog, remembering his numerousservices to the population, allowed him in return to get drunk inhis own way, without the fear of stocks, fine, or imprisonment. Hehad a general licence, and he showed his sense of the compliment bymaking the most of it. 

We have been thus particular in describing the character andavocations of Bottle-nosed Ned, because it enables us to introducea fact politely, without hauling it into the reader's presence withindecent haste by the head and shoulders, and brings us verynaturally to relate, that on the very same evening on which Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble and family returned to Mudfog, Mr. Tulrumble'snew secretary, just imported from London, with a pale face andlight whiskers, thrust his head down to the very bottom of hisneckcloth-tie, in at the tap-room door of the Lighterman's Arms, and inquiring whether one Ned Twigger was luxuriating within, announced himself as the bearer of a message from NicholasTulrumble, Esquire, requiring Mr. Twigger's immediate attendance atthe hall, on private and particular business. It being by no meansMr. Twigger's interest to affront the Mayor, he rose from thefireplace with a slight sigh, and followed the light-whiskeredsecretary through the dirt and wet of Mudfog streets, up to MudfogHall, without further ado. 

Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble was seated in a small cavern with askylight, which he called his library, sketching out a plan of theprocession on a large sheet of paper; and into the cavern thesecretary ushered Ned Twigger. 

'Well, Twigger!' said Nicholas Tulrumble, condescendingly. 

There was a time when Twigger would have replied, 'Well, Nick!' butthat was in the days of the truck, and a couple of years before thedonkey; so, he only bowed. 

'I want you to go into training, Twigger, ' said Mr. Tulrumble. 

'What for, sir?' inquired Ned, with a stare. 

'Hush, hush, Twigger!' said the Mayor. 'Shut the door, Mr. Jennings. Look here, Twigger. '

As the Mayor said this, he unlocked a high closet, and disclosed acomplete suit of brass armour, of gigantic dimensions. 

'I want you to wear this next Monday, Twigger, ' said the Mayor. 

'Bless your heart and soul, sir!' replied Ned, 'you might as wellask me to wear a seventy-four pounder, or a cast-iron boiler. '

'Nonsense, Twigger, nonsense!' said the Mayor. 

'I couldn't stand under it, sir, ' said Twigger; 'it would makemashed potatoes of me, if I attempted it. '

'Pooh, pooh, Twigger!' returned the Mayor. 'I tell you I have seenit done with my own eyes, in London, and the man wasn't half such aman as you are, either. '

'I should as soon have thought of a man's wearing the case of aneight-day clock to save his linen, ' said Twigger, casting a look ofapprehension at the brass suit. 

'It's the easiest thing in the world, ' rejoined the Mayor. 

'It's nothing, ' said Mr. Jennings. 

'When you're used to it, ' added Ned. 

'You do it by degrees, ' said the Mayor. 'You would begin with onepiece to-morrow, and two the next day, and so on, till you had gotit all on. Mr. Jennings, give Twigger a glass of rum. Just trythe breast-plate, Twigger. Stay; take another glass of rum first. Help me to lift it, Mr. Jennings. Stand firm, Twigger! There!--itisn't half as heavy as it looks, is it?'

Twigger was a good strong, stout fellow; so, after a great deal ofstaggering, he managed to keep himself up, under the breastplate, and even contrived, with the aid of another glass of rum, to walkabout in it, and the gauntlets into the bargain. He made a trialof the helmet, but was not equally successful, inasmuch as hetipped over instantly, --an accident which Mr. Tulrumble clearlydemonstrated to be occasioned by his not having a counteractingweight of brass on his legs. 

'Now, wear that with grace and propriety on Monday next, ' saidTulrumble, 'and I'll make your fortune. '

'I'll try what I can do, sir, ' said Twigger. 

'It must be kept a profound secret, ' said Tulrumble. 

'Of course, sir, ' replied Twigger. 

'And you must be sober, ' said Tulrumble; 'perfectly sober. ' Mr. Twigger at once solemnly pledged himself to be as sober as a judge, and Nicholas Tulrumble was satisfied, although, had we beenNicholas, we should certainly have exacted some promise of a morespecific nature; inasmuch as, having attended the Mudfog assizes inthe evening more than once, we can solemnly testify to having seenjudges with very strong symptoms of dinner under their wigs. However, that's neither here nor there. 

The next day, and the day following, and the day after that, NedTwigger was securely locked up in the small cavern with the sky-light, hard at work at the armour. With every additional piece hecould manage to stand upright in, he had an additional glass ofrum; and at last, after many partial suffocations, he contrived toget on the whole suit, and to stagger up and down the room in it, like an intoxicated effigy from Westminster Abbey. 

Never was man so delighted as Nicholas Tulrumble; never was womanso charmed as Nicholas Tulrumble's wife. Here was a sight for thecommon people of Mudfog! A live man in brass armour! Why, theywould go wild with wonder!

The day--THE Monday--arrived. 

If the morning had been made to order, it couldn't have been betteradapted to the purpose. They never showed a better fog in Londonon Lord Mayor's day, than enwrapped the town of Mudfog on thateventful occasion. It had risen slowly and surely from the greenand stagnant water with the first light of morning, until itreached a little above the lamp-post tops; and there it hadstopped, with a sleepy, sluggish obstinacy, which bade defiance tothe sun, who had got up very blood-shot about the eyes, as if hehad been at a drinking-party over-night, and was doing his day'swork with the worst possible grace. The thick damp mist hung overthe town like a huge gauze curtain. All was dim and dismal. Thechurch steeples had bidden a temporary adieu to the world below;and every object of lesser importance--houses, barns, hedges, trees, and barges--had all taken the veil. 

The church-clock struck one. A cracked trumpet from the frontgarden of Mudfog Hall produced a feeble flourish, as if someasthmatic person had coughed into it accidentally; the gate flewopen, and out came a gentleman, on a moist-sugar coloured charger, intended to represent a herald, but bearing a much strongerresemblance to a court-card on horseback. This was one of theCircus people, who always came down to Mudfog at that time of theyear, and who had been engaged by Nicholas Tulrumble expressly forthe occasion. There was the horse, whisking his tail about, balancing himself on his hind-legs, and flourishing away with hisfore-feet, in a manner which would have gone to the hearts andsouls of any reasonable crowd. But a Mudfog crowd never was areasonable one, and in all probability never will be. Instead ofscattering the very fog with their shouts, as they ought mostindubitably to have done, and were fully intended to do, byNicholas Tulrumble, they no sooner recognized the herald, than theybegan to growl forth the most unqualified disapprobation at thebare notion of his riding like any other man. If he had come outon his head indeed, or jumping through a hoop, or flying through ared-hot drum, or even standing on one leg with his other foot inhis mouth, they might have had something to say to him; but for aprofessional gentleman to sit astride in the saddle, with his feetin the stirrups, was rather too good a joke. So, the herald was adecided failure, and the crowd hooted with great energy, as hepranced ingloriously away. 

On the procession came. We are afraid to say how manysupernumeraries there were, in striped shirts and black velvetcaps, to imitate the London watermen, or how many base imitationsof running-footmen, or how many banners, which, owing to theheaviness of the atmosphere, could by no means be prevailed on todisplay their inscriptions: still less do we feel disposed torelate how the men who played the wind instruments, looking up intothe sky (we mean the fog) with musical fervour, walked throughpools of water and hillocks of mud, till they covered the powderedheads of the running-footmen aforesaid with splashes, that lookedcurious, but not ornamental; or how the barrel-organ performer puton the wrong stop, and played one tune while the band playedanother; or how the horses, being used to the arena, and not to thestreets, would stand still and dance, instead of going on andprancing;--all of which are matters which might be dilated upon togreat advantage, but which we have not the least intention ofdilating upon, notwithstanding. 

Oh! it was a grand and beautiful sight to behold a corporation inglass coaches, provided at the sole cost and charge of NicholasTulrumble, coming rolling along, like a funeral out of mourning, and to watch the attempts the corporation made to look great andsolemn, when Nicholas Tulrumble himself, in the four-wheel chaise, with the tall postilion, rolled out after them, with Mr. Jenningson one side to look like a chaplain, and a supernumerary on theother, with an old life-guardsman's sabre, to imitate the sword-bearer; and to see the tears rolling down the faces of the mob asthey screamed with merriment. This was beautiful! and so was theappearance of Mrs. Tulrumble and son, as they bowed with gravedignity out of their coach-window to all the dirty faces that werelaughing around them: but it is not even with this that we have todo, but with the sudden stopping of the procession at another blastof the trumpet, whereat, and whereupon, a profound silence ensued, and all eyes were turned towards Mudfog Hall, in the confidentanticipation of some new wonder. 

'They won't laugh now, Mr. Jennings, ' said Nicholas Tulrumble. 

'I think not, sir, ' said Mr. Jennings. 

'See how eager they look, ' said Nicholas Tulrumble. 'Aha! thelaugh will be on our side now; eh, Mr. Jennings?'

'No doubt of that, sir, ' replied Mr. Jennings; and NicholasTulrumble, in a state of pleasurable excitement, stood up in thefour-wheel chaise, and telegraphed gratification to the Mayoressbehind. 

While all this was going forward, Ned Twigger had descended intothe kitchen of Mudfog Hall for the purpose of indulging theservants with a private view of the curiosity that was to burstupon the town; and, somehow or other, the footman was socompanionable, and the housemaid so kind, and the cook so friendly, that he could not resist the offer of the first-mentioned to sitdown and take something--just to drink success to master in. 

So, down Ned Twigger sat himself in his brass livery on the top ofthe kitchen-table; and in a mug of something strong, paid for bythe unconscious Nicholas Tulrumble, and provided by thecompanionable footman, drank success to the Mayor and hisprocession; and, as Ned laid by his helmet to imbibe the somethingstrong, the companionable footman put it on his own head, to theimmeasurable and unrecordable delight of the cook and housemaid. The companionable footman was very facetious to Ned, and Ned wasvery gallant to the cook and housemaid by turns. They were allvery cosy and comfortable; and the something strong went brisklyround. 

At last Ned Twigger was loudly called for, by the processionpeople: and, having had his helmet fixed on, in a very complicatedmanner, by the companionable footman, and the kind housemaid, andthe friendly cook, he walked gravely forth, and appeared before themultitude. 

The crowd roared--it was not with wonder, it was not with surprise;it was most decidedly and unquestionably with laughter. 

'What!' said Mr. Tulrumble, starting up in the four-wheel chaise. 'Laughing? If they laugh at a man in real brass armour, they'dlaugh when their own fathers were dying. Why doesn't he go intohis place, Mr. Jennings? What's he rolling down towards us for? hehas no business here!'

'I am afraid, sir--' faltered Mr. Jennings. 

'Afraid of what, sir?' said Nicholas Tulrumble, looking up into thesecretary's face. 

'I am afraid he's drunk, sir, ' replied Mr. Jennings. 

Nicholas Tulrumble took one look at the extraordinary figure thatwas bearing down upon them; and then, clasping his secretary by thearm, uttered an audible groan in anguish of spirit. 

It is a melancholy fact that Mr. Twigger having full licence todemand a single glass of rum on the putting on of every piece ofthe armour, got, by some means or other, rather out of hiscalculation in the hurry and confusion of preparation, and drankabout four glasses to a piece instead of one, not to mention thesomething strong which went on the top of it. Whether the brassarmour checked the natural flow of perspiration, and thus preventedthe spirit from evaporating, we are not scientific enough to know;but, whatever the cause was, Mr. Twigger no sooner found himselfoutside the gate of Mudfog Hall, than he also found himself in avery considerable state of intoxication; and hence hisextraordinary style of progressing. This was bad enough, but, asif fate and fortune had conspired against Nicholas Tulrumble, Mr. Twigger, not having been penitent for a good calendar month, tookit into his head to be most especially and particularlysentimental, just when his repentance could have been mostconveniently dispensed with. Immense tears were rolling down hischeeks, and he was vainly endeavouring to conceal his grief byapplying to his eyes a blue cotton pocket-handkerchief with whitespots, --an article not strictly in keeping with a suit of armoursome three hundred years old, or thereabouts. 

'Twigger, you villain!' said Nicholas Tulrumble, quite forgettinghis dignity, 'go back. '

'Never, ' said Ned. 'I'm a miserable wretch. I'll never leaveyou. '

The by-standers of course received this declaration withacclamations of 'That's right, Ned; don't!'

'I don't intend it, ' said Ned, with all the obstinacy of a verytipsy man. 'I'm very unhappy. I'm the wretched father of anunfortunate family; but I am very faithful, sir. I'll never leaveyou. ' Having reiterated this obliging promise, Ned proceeded inbroken words to harangue the crowd upon the number of years he hadlived in Mudfog, the excessive respectability of his character, andother topics of the like nature. 

'Here! will anybody lead him away?' said Nicholas: 'if they'llcall on me afterwards, I'll reward them well. '

Two or three men stepped forward, with the view of bearing Ned off, when the secretary interposed. 

'Take care! take care!' said Mr. Jennings. 'I beg your pardon, sir; but they'd better not go too near him, because, if he fallsover, he'll certainly crush somebody. '

At this hint the crowd retired on all sides to a very respectfuldistance, and left Ned, like the Duke of Devonshire, in a littlecircle of his own. 

'But, Mr. Jennings, ' said Nicholas Tulrumble, 'he'll besuffocated. '

'I'm very sorry for it, sir, ' replied Mr. Jennings; 'but nobody canget that armour off, without his own assistance. I'm quite certainof it from the way he put it on. '

Here Ned wept dolefully, and shook his helmeted head, in a mannerthat might have touched a heart of stone; but the crowd had nothearts of stone, and they laughed heartily. 

'Dear me, Mr. Jennings, ' said Nicholas, turning pale at thepossibility of Ned's being smothered in his antique costume--'Dearme, Mr. Jennings, can nothing be done with him?'

'Nothing at all, ' replied Ned, 'nothing at all. Gentlemen, I'm anunhappy wretch. I'm a body, gentlemen, in a brass coffin. ' Atthis poetical idea of his own conjuring up, Ned cried so much thatthe people began to get sympathetic, and to ask what NicholasTulrumble meant by putting a man into such a machine as that; andone individual in a hairy waistcoat like the top of a trunk, whohad previously expressed his opinion that if Ned hadn't been a poorman, Nicholas wouldn't have dared do it, hinted at the propriety ofbreaking the four-wheel chaise, or Nicholas's head, or both, whichlast compound proposition the crowd seemed to consider a very goodnotion. 

It was not acted upon, however, for it had hardly been broached, when Ned Twigger's wife made her appearance abruptly in the littlecircle before noticed, and Ned no sooner caught a glimpse of herface and form, than from the mere force of habit he set off towardshis home just as fast as his legs could carry him; and that was notvery quick in the present instance either, for, however ready theymight have been to carry HIM, they couldn't get on very well underthe brass armour. So, Mrs. Twigger had plenty of time to denounceNicholas Tulrumble to his face: to express her opinion that he wasa decided monster; and to intimate that, if her ill-used husbandsustained any personal damage from the brass armour, she would havethe law of Nicholas Tulrumble for manslaughter. When she had saidall this with due vehemence, she posted after Ned, who was dragginghimself along as best he could, and deploring his unhappiness inmost dismal tones. 

What a wailing and screaming Ned's children raised when he got homeat last! Mrs. Twigger tried to undo the armour, first in oneplace, and then in another, but she couldn't manage it; so shetumbled Ned into bed, helmet, armour, gauntlets, and all. Such acreaking as the bedstead made, under Ned's weight in his new suit!It didn't break down though; and there Ned lay, like the anonymousvessel in the Bay of Biscay, till next day, drinking barley-water, and looking miserable: and every time he groaned, his good ladysaid it served him right, which was all the consolation Ned Twiggergot. 

Nicholas Tulrumble and the gorgeous procession went on together tothe town-hall, amid the hisses and groans of all the spectators, who had suddenly taken it into their heads to consider poor Ned amartyr. Nicholas was formally installed in his new office, inacknowledgment of which ceremony he delivered himself of a speech, composed by the secretary, which was very long, and no doubt verygood, only the noise of the people outside prevented anybody fromhearing it, but Nicholas Tulrumble himself. After which, theprocession got back to Mudfog Hall any how it could; and Nicholasand the corporation sat down to dinner. 

But the dinner was flat, and Nicholas was disappointed. They weresuch dull sleepy old fellows, that corporation. Nicholas madequite as long speeches as the Lord Mayor of London had done, nay, he said the very same things that the Lord Mayor of London hadsaid, and the deuce a cheer the corporation gave him. There wasonly one man in the party who was thoroughly awake; and he wasinsolent, and called him Nick. Nick! What would be theconsequence, thought Nicholas, of anybody presuming to call theLord Mayor of London 'Nick!' He should like to know what thesword-bearer would say to that; or the recorder, or the toast-master, or any other of the great officers of the city. They'dnick him. 

But these were not the worst of Nicholas Tulrumble's doings. Ifthey had been, he might have remained a Mayor to this day, and havetalked till he lost his voice. He contracted a relish forstatistics, and got philosophical; and the statistics and thephilosophy together, led him into an act which increased hisunpopularity and hastened his downfall. 

At the very end of the Mudfog High-street, and abutting on theriver-side, stands the Jolly Boatmen, an old-fashioned low-roofed, bay-windowed house, with a bar, kitchen, and tap-room all in one, and a large fireplace with a kettle to correspond, round which theworking men have congregated time out of mind on a winter's night, refreshed by draughts of good strong beer, and cheered by thesounds of a fiddle and tambourine: the Jolly Boatmen having beenduly licensed by the Mayor and corporation, to scrape the fiddleand thumb the tambourine from time, whereof the memory of theoldest inhabitants goeth not to the contrary. Now NicholasTulrumble had been reading pamphlets on crime, and parliamentaryreports, --or had made the secretary read them to him, which is thesame thing in effect, --and he at once perceived that this fiddleand tambourine must have done more to demoralize Mudfog, than anyother operating causes that ingenuity could imagine. So he read upfor the subject, and determined to come out on the corporation witha burst, the very next time the licence was applied for. 

The licensing day came, and the red-faced landlord of the JollyBoatmen walked into the town-hall, looking as jolly as need be, having actually put on an extra fiddle for that night, tocommemorate the anniversary of the Jolly Boatmen's music licence. It was applied for in due form, and was just about to be granted asa matter of course, when up rose Nicholas Tulrumble, and drownedthe astonished corporation in a torrent of eloquence. He descantedin glowing terms upon the increasing depravity of his native townof Mudfog, and the excesses committed by its population. Then, herelated how shocked he had been, to see barrels of beer slidingdown into the cellar of the Jolly Boatmen week after week; and howhe had sat at a window opposite the Jolly Boatmen for two daystogether, to count the people who went in for beer between thehours of twelve and one o'clock alone--which, by-the-bye, was thetime at which the great majority of the Mudfog people dined. Then, he went on to state, how the number of people who came out withbeer-jugs, averaged twenty-one in five minutes, which, beingmultiplied by twelve, gave two hundred and fifty-two people withbeer-jugs in an hour, and multiplied again by fifteen (the numberof hours during which the house was open daily) yielded threethousand seven hundred and eighty people with beer-jugs per day, ortwenty-six thousand four hundred and sixty people with beer-jugs, per week. Then he proceeded to show that a tambourine and moraldegradation were synonymous terms, and a fiddle and viciouspropensities wholly inseparable. All these arguments hestrengthened and demonstrated by frequent references to a largebook with a blue cover, and sundry quotations from the Middlesexmagistrates; and in the end, the corporation, who were posed withthe figures, and sleepy with the speech, and sadly in want ofdinner into the bargain, yielded the palm to Nicholas Tulrumble, and refused the music licence to the Jolly Boatmen. 

But although Nicholas triumphed, his triumph was short. He carriedon the war against beer-jugs and fiddles, forgetting the time whenhe was glad to drink out of the one, and to dance to the other, till the people hated, and his old friends shunned him. He grewtired of the lonely magnificence of Mudfog Hall, and his heartyearned towards the Lighterman's Arms. He wished he had never setup as a public man, and sighed for the good old times of the coal-shop, and the chimney corner. 

At length old Nicholas, being thoroughly miserable, took heart ofgrace, paid the secretary a quarter's wages in advance, and packedhim off to London by the next coach. Having taken this step, heput his hat on his head, and his pride in his pocket, and walkeddown to the old room at the Lighterman's Arms. There were only twoof the old fellows there, and they looked coldly on Nicholas as heproffered his hand. 

'Are you going to put down pipes, Mr. Tulrumble?' said one. 

'Or trace the progress of crime to 'bacca?' growled another. 

'Neither, ' replied Nicholas Tulrumble, shaking hands with themboth, whether they would or not. 'I've come down to say that I'mvery sorry for having made a fool of myself, and that I hope you'llgive me up the old chair, again. '

The old fellows opened their eyes, and three or four more oldfellows opened the door, to whom Nicholas, with tears in his eyes, thrust out his hand too, and told the same story. They raised ashout of joy, that made the bells in the ancient church-towervibrate again, and wheeling the old chair into the warm corner, thrust old Nicholas down into it, and ordered in the very largest-sized bowl of hot punch, with an unlimited number of pipes, directly. 

The next day, the Jolly Boatmen got the licence, and the nextnight, old Nicholas and Ned Twigger's wife led off a dance to themusic of the fiddle and tambourine, the tone of which seemedmightily improved by a little rest, for they never had played somerrily before. Ned Twigger was in the very height of his glory, and he danced hornpipes, and balanced chairs on his chin, andstraws on his nose, till the whole company, including thecorporation, were in raptures of admiration at the brilliancy ofhis acquirements. 

Mr. Tulrumble, junior, couldn't make up his mind to be anything butmagnificent, so he went up to London and drew bills on his father;and when he had overdrawn, and got into debt, he grew penitent, andcame home again. 

As to old Nicholas, he kept his word, and having had six weeks ofpublic life, never tried it any more. He went to sleep in thetown-hall at the very next meeting; and, in full proof of hissincerity, has requested us to write this faithful narrative. Wewish it could have the effect of reminding the Tulrumbles ofanother sphere, that puffed-up conceit is not dignity, and thatsnarling at the little pleasures they were once glad to enjoy, because they would rather forget the times when they were of lowerstation, renders them objects of contempt and ridicule. 

This is the first time we have published any of our gleanings fromthis particular source. Perhaps, at some future period, we mayventure to open the chronicles of Mudfog. 

FULL REPORT OF THE FIRST MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION FOR THEADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING

We have made the most unparalleled and extraordinary exertions toplace before our readers a complete and accurate account of theproceedings at the late grand meeting of the Mudfog Association, holden in the town of Mudfog; it affords us great happiness to laythe result before them, in the shape of various communicationsreceived from our able, talented, and graphic correspondent, expressly sent down for the purpose, who has immortalized us, himself, Mudfog, and the association, all at one and the same time. We have been, indeed, for some days unable to determine who willtransmit the greatest name to posterity; ourselves, who sent ourcorrespondent down; our correspondent, who wrote an account of thematter; or the association, who gave our correspondent something towrite about. We rather incline to the opinion that we are thegreatest man of the party, inasmuch as the notion of an exclusiveand authentic report originated with us; this may be prejudice: itmay arise from a prepossession on our part in our own favour. Beit so. We have no doubt that every gentleman concerned in thismighty assemblage is troubled with the same complaint in a greateror less degree; and it is a consolation to us to know that we haveat least this feeling in common with the great scientific stars, the brilliant and extraordinary luminaries, whose speculations werecord. 

We give our correspondent's letters in the order in which theyreached us. Any attempt at amalgamating them into one beautifulwhole, would only destroy that glowing tone, that dash of wildness, and rich vein of picturesque interest, which pervade themthroughout. 

'Mudfog, Monday night, seven o'clock. 

'We are in a state of great excitement here. Nothing is spoken of, but the approaching meeting of the association. The inn-doors arethronged with waiters anxiously looking for the expected arrivals;and the numerous bills which are wafered up in the windows ofprivate houses, intimating that there are beds to let within, givethe streets a very animated and cheerful appearance, the wafersbeing of a great variety of colours, and the monotony of printedinscriptions being relieved by every possible size and style ofhand-writing. It is confidently rumoured that Professors Snore, Doze, and Wheezy have engaged three beds and a sitting-room at thePig and Tinder-box. I give you the rumour as it has reached me;but I cannot, as yet, vouch for its accuracy. The moment I havebeen enabled to obtain any certain information upon thisinteresting point, you may depend upon receiving it. '

'Half-past seven. 

I have just returned from a personal interview with the landlord ofthe Pig and Tinder-box. He speaks confidently of the probabilityof Professors Snore, Doze, and Wheezy taking up their residence athis house during the sitting of the association, but denies thatthe beds have been yet engaged; in which representation he isconfirmed by the chambermaid--a girl of artless manners, andinteresting appearance. The boots denies that it is at all likelythat Professors Snore, Doze, and Wheezy will put up here; but Ihave reason to believe that this man has been suborned by theproprietor of the Original Pig, which is the opposition hotel. Amidst such conflicting testimony it is difficult to arrive at thereal truth; but you may depend upon receiving authentic informationupon this point the moment the fact is ascertained. The excitementstill continues. A boy fell through the window of the pastrycook'sshop at the corner of the High-street about half an hour ago, whichhas occasioned much confusion. The general impression is, that itwas an accident. Pray heaven it may prove so!'

'Tuesday, noon. 

'At an early hour this morning the bells of all the churches struckseven o'clock; the effect of which, in the present lively state ofthe town, was extremely singular. While I was at breakfast, ayellow gig, drawn by a dark grey horse, with a patch of white overhis right eyelid, proceeded at a rapid pace in the direction of theOriginal Pig stables; it is currently reported that this gentlemanhas arrived here for the purpose of attending the association, and, from what I have heard, I consider it extremely probable, althoughnothing decisive is yet known regarding him. You may conceive theanxiety with which we are all looking forward to the arrival of thefour o'clock coach this afternoon. 

'Notwithstanding the excited state of the populace, no outrage hasyet been committed, owing to the admirable discipline anddiscretion of the police, who are nowhere to be seen. A barrel-organ is playing opposite my window, and groups of people, offeringfish and vegetables for sale, parade the streets. With theseexceptions everything is quiet, and I trust will continue so. '

'Five o'clock. 

'It is now ascertained, beyond all doubt, that Professors Snore, Doze, and Wheezy will NOT repair to the Pig and Tinder-box, buthave actually engaged apartments at the Original Pig. Thisintelligence is EXCLUSIVE; and I leave you and your readers to drawtheir own inferences from it. Why Professor Wheezy, of all peoplein the world, should repair to the Original Pig in preference tothe Pig and Tinder-box, it is not easy to conceive. The professoris a man who should be above all such petty feelings. Some peoplehere openly impute treachery, and a distinct breach of faith toProfessors Snore and Doze; while others, again, are disposed toacquit them of any culpability in the transaction, and to insinuatethat the blame rests solely with Professor Wheezy. I own that Iincline to the latter opinion; and although it gives me great painto speak in terms of censure or disapprobation of a man of suchtranscendent genius and acquirements, still I am bound to say that, if my suspicions be well founded, and if all the reports which havereached my ears be true, I really do not well know what to make ofthe matter. 

'Mr. Slug, so celebrated for his statistical researches, arrivedthis afternoon by the four o'clock stage. His complexion is a darkpurple, and he has a habit of sighing constantly. He lookedextremely well, and appeared in high health and spirits. Mr. Woodensconce also came down in the same conveyance. Thedistinguished gentleman was fast asleep on his arrival, and I aminformed by the guard that he had been so the whole way. He was, no doubt, preparing for his approaching fatigues; but what giganticvisions must those be that flit through the brain of such a manwhen his body is in a state of torpidity!

'The influx of visitors increases every moment. I am told (I knownot how truly) that two post-chaises have arrived at the OriginalPig within the last half-hour, and I myself observed a wheelbarrow, containing three carpet bags and a bundle, entering the yard of thePig and Tinder-box no longer ago than five minutes since. Thepeople are still quietly pursuing their ordinary occupations; butthere is a wildness in their eyes, and an unwonted rigidity in themuscles of their countenances, which shows to the observantspectator that their expectations are strained to the very utmostpitch. I fear, unless some very extraordinary arrivals take placeto-night, that consequences may arise from this popular ferment, which every man of sense and feeling would deplore. '

'Twenty minutes past six. 

'I have just heard that the boy who fell through the pastrycook'swindow last night has died of the fright. He was suddenly calledupon to pay three and sixpence for the damage done, and hisconstitution, it seems, was not strong enough to bear up againstthe shock. The inquest, it is said, will be held to-morrow. '

'Three-quarters part seven. 

'Professors Muff and Nogo have just driven up to the hotel door;they at once ordered dinner with great condescension. We are allvery much delighted with the urbanity of their manners, and theease with which they adapt themselves to the forms and ceremoniesof ordinary life. Immediately on their arrival they sent for thehead waiter, and privately requested him to purchase a live dog, --as cheap a one as he could meet with, --and to send him up afterdinner, with a pie-board, a knife and fork, and a clean plate. Itis conjectured that some experiments will be tried upon the dog to-night; if any particulars should transpire, I will forward them byexpress. '

'Half-past eight. 

'The animal has been procured. He is a pug-dog, of ratherintelligent appearance, in good condition, and with very shortlegs. He has been tied to a curtain-peg in a dark room, and ishowling dreadfully. '

'Ten minutes to nine. 

'The dog has just been rung for. With an instinct which wouldappear almost the result of reason, the sagacious animal seized thewaiter by the calf of the leg when he approached to take him, andmade a desperate, though ineffectual resistance. I have not beenable to procure admission to the apartment occupied by thescientific gentlemen; but, judging from the sounds which reached myears when I stood upon the landing-place outside the door, justnow, I should be disposed to say that the dog had retreatedgrowling beneath some article of furniture, and was keeping theprofessors at bay. This conjecture is confirmed by the testimonyof the ostler, who, after peeping through the keyhole, assures methat he distinctly saw Professor Nogo on his knees, holding forth asmall bottle of prussic acid, to which the animal, who was crouchedbeneath an arm-chair, obstinately declined to smell. You cannotimagine the feverish state of irritation we are in, lest theinterests of science should be sacrificed to the prejudices of abrute creature, who is not endowed with sufficient sense to foreseethe incalculable benefits which the whole human race may derivefrom so very slight a concession on his part. '

'Nine o'clock. 

'The dog's tail and ears have been sent down-stairs to be washed;from which circumstance we infer that the animal is no more. Hisforelegs have been delivered to the boots to be brushed, whichstrengthens the supposition. '

'Half after ten. 

'My feelings are so overpowered by what has taken place in thecourse of the last hour and a half, that I have scarcely strengthto detail the rapid succession of events which have quitebewildered all those who are cognizant of their occurrence. Itappears that the pug-dog mentioned in my last was surreptitiouslyobtained, --stolen, in fact, --by some person attached to the stabledepartment, from an unmarried lady resident in this town. Franticon discovering the loss of her favourite, the lady rusheddistractedly into the street, calling in the most heart-rending andpathetic manner upon the passengers to restore her, her Augustus, --for so the deceased was named, in affectionate remembrance of aformer lover of his mistress, to whom he bore a striking personalresemblance, which renders the circumstances additionallyaffecting. I am not yet in a condition to inform you whatcircumstance induced the bereaved lady to direct her steps to thehotel which had witnessed the last struggles of her protege. I canonly state that she arrived there, at the very instant when hisdetached members were passing through the passage on a small tray. Her shrieks still reverberate in my ears! I grieve to say that theexpressive features of Professor Muff were much scratched andlacerated by the injured lady; and that Professor Nogo, besidessustaining several severe bites, has lost some handfuls of hairfrom the same cause. It must be some consolation to thesegentlemen to know that their ardent attachment to scientificpursuits has alone occasioned these unpleasant consequences; forwhich the sympathy of a grateful country will sufficiently rewardthem. The unfortunate lady remains at the Pig and Tinder-box, andup to this time is reported in a very precarious state. 

'I need scarcely tell you that this unlooked-for catastrophe hascast a damp and gloom upon us in the midst of our exhilaration;natural in any case, but greatly enhanced in this, by the amiablequalities of the deceased animal, who appears to have been much anddeservedly respected by the whole of his acquaintance. '

'Twelve o'clock. 

'I take the last opportunity before sealing my parcel to inform youthat the boy who fell through the pastrycook's window is not dead, as was universally believed, but alive and well. The reportappears to have had its origin in his mysterious disappearance. Hewas found half an hour since on the premises of a sweet-stuffmaker, where a raffle had been announced for a second-hand seal-skin cap and a tambourine; and where--a sufficient number ofmembers not having been obtained at first--he had patiently waiteduntil the list was completed. This fortunate discovery has in somedegree restored our gaiety and cheerfulness. It is proposed to getup a subscription for him without delay. 

'Everybody is nervously anxious to see what to-morrow will bringforth. If any one should arrive in the course of the night, I haveleft strict directions to be called immediately. I should have satup, indeed, but the agitating events of this day have been too muchfor me. 

'No news yet of either of the Professors Snore, Doze, or Wheezy. It is very strange!'

'Wednesday afternoon. 

'All is now over; and, upon one point at least, I am at lengthenabled to set the minds of your readers at rest. The threeprofessors arrived at ten minutes after two o'clock, and, insteadof taking up their quarters at the Original Pig, as it wasuniversally understood in the course of yesterday that they wouldassuredly have done, drove straight to the Pig and Tinder-box, where they threw off the mask at once, and openly announced theirintention of remaining. Professor Wheezy may reconcile this veryextraordinary conduct with HIS notions of fair and equitabledealing, but I would recommend Professor Wheezy to be cautious howhe presumes too far upon his well-earned reputation. How such aman as Professor Snore, or, which is still more extraordinary, suchan individual as Professor Doze, can quietly allow himself to bemixed up with such proceedings as these, you will naturallyinquire. Upon this head, rumour is silent; I have my speculations, but forbear to give utterance to them just now. '

'Four o'clock. 

'The town is filling fast; eighteenpence has been offered for a bedand refused. Several gentlemen were under the necessity last nightof sleeping in the brick fields, and on the steps of doors, forwhich they were taken before the magistrates in a body thismorning, and committed to prison as vagrants for various terms. One of these persons I understand to be a highly-respectabletinker, of great practical skill, who had forwarded a paper to thePresident of Section D. Mechanical Science, on the construction ofpipkins with copper bottoms and safety-values, of which reportspeaks highly. The incarceration of this gentleman is greatly tobe regretted, as his absence will preclude any discussion on thesubject. 

'The bills are being taken down in all directions, and lodgings arebeing secured on almost any terms. I have heard of fifteenshillings a week for two rooms, exclusive of coals and attendance, but I can scarcely believe it. The excitement is dreadful. I wasinformed this morning that the civil authorities, apprehensive ofsome outbreak of popular feeling, had commanded a recruitingsergeant and two corporals to be under arms; and that, with theview of not irritating the people unnecessarily by their presence, they had been requested to take up their position before daybreakin a turnpike, distant about a quarter of a mile from the town. The vigour and promptness of these measures cannot be too highlyextolled. 

'Intelligence has just been brought me, that an elderly female, ina state of inebriety, has declared in the open street her intentionto "do" for Mr. Slug. Some statistical returns compiled by thatgentleman, relative to the consumption of raw spirituous liquors inthis place, are supposed to be the cause of the wretch's animosity. It is added that this declaration was loudly cheered by a crowd ofpersons who had assembled on the spot; and that one man had theboldness to designate Mr. Slug aloud by the opprobrious epithet of"Stick-in-the-mud!" It is earnestly to be hoped that now, when themoment has arrived for their interference, the magistrates will notshrink from the exercise of that power which is vested in them bythe constitution of our common country. '

'Half-past ten. 

'The disturbance, I am happy to inform you, has been completelyquelled, and the ringleader taken into custody. She had a pail ofcold water thrown over her, previous to being locked up, andexpresses great contrition and uneasiness. We are all in a feverof anticipation about to-morrow; but, now that we are within a fewhours of the meeting of the association, and at last enjoy theproud consciousness of having its illustrious members amongst us, Itrust and hope everything may go off peaceably. I shall send you afull report of to-morrow's proceedings by the night coach. '

'Eleven o'clock. 

'I open my letter to say that nothing whatever has occurred since Ifolded it up. '

'Thursday. 

'The sun rose this morning at the usual hour. I did not observeanything particular in the aspect of the glorious planet, exceptthat he appeared to me (it might have been a delusion of myheightened fancy) to shine with more than common brilliancy, and toshed a refulgent lustre upon the town, such as I had never observedbefore. This is the more extraordinary, as the sky was perfectlycloudless, and the atmosphere peculiarly fine. At half-past nineo'clock the general committee assembled, with the last year'spresident in the chair. The report of the council was read; andone passage, which stated that the council had corresponded with noless than three thousand five hundred and seventy-one persons, (allof whom paid their own postage, ) on no fewer than seven thousandtwo hundred and forty-three topics, was received with a degree ofenthusiasm which no efforts could suppress. The various committeesand sections having been appointed, and the more formal businesstransacted, the great proceedings of the meeting commenced ateleven o'clock precisely. I had the happiness of occupying a mosteligible position at that time, in

'SECTION A. --ZOOLOGY AND BOTANY. GREAT ROOM, PIG AND TINDER-BOX. 

President--Professor Snore. Vice-Presidents--Professors Doze andWheezy. 

'The scene at this moment was particularly striking. The sunstreamed through the windows of the apartments, and tinted thewhole scene with its brilliant rays, bringing out in strong reliefthe noble visages of the professors and scientific gentlemen, who, some with bald heads, some with red heads, some with brown heads, some with grey heads, some with black heads, some with block heads, presented a coup d'oeil which no eye-witness will readily forget. In front of these gentlemen were papers and inkstands; and roundthe room, on elevated benches extending as far as the forms couldreach, were assembled a brilliant concourse of those lovely andelegant women for which Mudfog is justly acknowledged to be withouta rival in the whole world. The contrast between their fair facesand the dark coats and trousers of the scientific gentlemen I shallnever cease to remember while Memory holds her seat. 

'Time having been allowed for a slight confusion, occasioned by thefalling down of the greater part of the platforms, to subside, thepresident called on one of the secretaries to read a communicationentitled, "Some remarks on the industrious fleas, withconsiderations on the importance of establishing infant-schoolsamong that numerous class of society; of directing their industryto useful and practical ends; and of applying the surplus fruitsthereof, towards providing for them a comfortable and respectablemaintenance in their old age. "

'The author stated, that, having long turned his attention to themoral and social condition of these interesting animals, he hadbeen induced to visit an exhibition in Regent-street, London, commonly known by the designation of "The Industrious Fleas. " Hehad there seen many fleas, occupied certainly in various pursuitsand avocations, but occupied, he was bound to add, in a mannerwhich no man of well-regulated mind could fail to regard withsorrow and regret. One flea, reduced to the level of a beast ofburden, was drawing about a miniature gig, containing aparticularly small effigy of His Grace the Duke of Wellington;while another was staggering beneath the weight of a golden modelof his great adversary Napoleon Bonaparte. Some, brought up asmountebanks and ballet-dancers, were performing a figure-dance (heregretted to observe, that, of the fleas so employed, several werefemales); others were in training, in a small card-board box, forpedestrians, --mere sporting characters--and two were actuallyengaged in the cold-blooded and barbarous occupation of duelling; apursuit from which humanity recoiled with horror and disgust. Hesuggested that measures should be immediately taken to employ thelabour of these fleas as part and parcel of the productive power ofthe country, which might easily be done by the establishment amongthem of infant schools and houses of industry, in which a system ofvirtuous education, based upon sound principles, should beobserved, and moral precepts strictly inculcated. He proposed thatevery flea who presumed to exhibit, for hire, music, or dancing, orany species of theatrical entertainment, without a licence, shouldbe considered a vagabond, and treated accordingly; in which respecthe only placed him upon a level with the rest of mankind. He wouldfurther suggest that their labour should be placed under thecontrol and regulation of the state, who should set apart from theprofits, a fund for the support of superannuated or disabled fleas, their widows and orphans. With this view, he proposed that liberalpremiums should be offered for the three best designs for a generalalmshouse; from which--as insect architecture was well known to bein a very advanced and perfect state--we might possibly derive manyvaluable hints for the improvement of our metropolitanuniversities, national galleries, and other public edifices. 

'THE PRESIDENT wished to be informed how the ingenious gentlemanproposed to open a communication with fleas generally, in the firstinstance, so that they might be thoroughly imbued with a sense ofthe advantages they must necessarily derive from changing theirmode of life, and applying themselves to honest labour. Thisappeared to him, the only difficulty. 

'THE AUTHOR submitted that this difficulty was easily overcome, orrather that there was no difficulty at all in the case. Obviouslythe course to be pursued, if Her Majesty's government could beprevailed upon to take up the plan, would be, to secure at aremunerative salary the individual to whom he had alluded aspresiding over the exhibition in Regent-street at the period of hisvisit. That gentleman would at once be able to put himself incommunication with the mass of the fleas, and to instruct them inpursuance of some general plan of education, to be sanctioned byParliament, until such time as the more intelligent among them wereadvanced enough to officiate as teachers to the rest. 

'The President and several members of the section highlycomplimented the author of the paper last read, on his mostingenious and important treatise. It was determined that thesubject should be recommended to the immediate consideration of thecouncil. 

'MR. WIGSBY produced a cauliflower somewhat larger than a chaise-umbrella, which had been raised by no other artificial means thanthe simple application of highly carbonated soda-water as manure. He explained that by scooping out the head, which would afford anew and delicious species of nourishment for the poor, a parachute, in principle something similar to that constructed by M. Garnerin, was at once obtained; the stalk of course being kept downwards. Headded that he was perfectly willing to make a descent from a heightof not less than three miles and a quarter; and had in fact alreadyproposed the same to the proprietors of Vauxhall Gardens, who inthe handsomest manner at once consented to his wishes, andappointed an early day next summer for the undertaking; merelystipulating that the rim of the cauliflower should be previouslybroken in three or four places to ensure the safety of the descent. 

'THE PRESIDENT congratulated the public on the grand gala in storefor them, and warmly eulogised the proprietors of the establishmentalluded to, for their love of science, and regard for the safety ofhuman life, both of which did them the highest honour. 

'A Member wished to know how many thousand additional lamps theroyal property would be illuminated with, on the night after thedescent. 

'MR. WIGSBY replied that the point was not yet finally decided; buthe believed it was proposed, over and above the ordinaryilluminations, to exhibit in various devices eight millions and a-half of additional lamps. 

'The Member expressed himself much gratified with thisannouncement. 

'MR. BLUNDERUM delighted the section with a most interesting andvaluable paper "on the last moments of the learned pig, " whichproduced a very strong impression on the assembly, the accountbeing compiled from the personal recollections of his favouriteattendant. The account stated in the most emphatic terms that theanimal's name was not Toby, but Solomon; and distinctly proved thathe could have no near relatives in the profession, as manydesigning persons had falsely stated, inasmuch as his father, mother, brothers and sisters, had all fallen victims to the butcherat different times. An uncle of his indeed, had with very greatlabour been traced to a sty in Somers Town; but as he was in a veryinfirm state at the time, being afflicted with measles, and shortlyafterwards disappeared, there appeared too much reason toconjecture that he had been converted into sausages. The disorderof the learned pig was originally a severe cold, which, beingaggravated by excessive trough indulgence, finally settled upon thelungs, and terminated in a general decay of the constitution. Amelancholy instance of a presentiment entertained by the animal ofhis approaching dissolution, was recorded. After gratifying anumerous and fashionable company with his performances, in which nofalling off whatever was visible, he fixed his eyes on thebiographer, and, turning to the watch which lay on the floor, andon which he was accustomed to point out the hour, deliberatelypassed his snout twice round the dial. In precisely four-and-twenty hours from that time he had ceased to exist!

'PROFESSOR WHEEZY inquired whether, previous to his demise, theanimal had expressed, by signs or otherwise, any wishes regardingthe disposal of his little property. 

'MR. BLUNDERUM replied, that, when the biographer took up the packof cards at the conclusion of the performance, the animal gruntedseveral times in a significant manner, and nodding his head as hewas accustomed to do, when gratified. From these gestures it wasunderstood that he wished the attendant to keep the cards, which hehad ever since done. He had not expressed any wish relative to hiswatch, which had accordingly been pawned by the same individual. 

'THE PRESIDENT wished to know whether any Member of the section hadever seen or conversed with the pig-faced lady, who was reported tohave worn a black velvet mask, and to have taken her meals from agolden trough. 

'After some hesitation a Member replied that the pig-faced lady washis mother-in-law, and that he trusted the President would notviolate the sanctity of private life. 

'THE PRESIDENT begged pardon. He had considered the pig-faced ladya public character. Would the honourable member object to state, with a view to the advancement of science, whether she was in anyway connected with the learned pig?

'The Member replied in the same low tone, that, as the questionappeared to involve a suspicion that the learned pig might be hishalf-brother, he must decline answering it. 

'SECTION B. --ANATOMY AND MEDICINE. COACH-HOUSE, PIG AND TINDER-BOX. 

President--Dr. Toorell. Vice-Presidents--Professors Muff and Nogo. 

DR. KUTANKUMAGEN (of Moscow) read to the section a report of a casewhich had occurred within his own practice, strikingly illustrativeof the power of medicine, as exemplified in his successfultreatment of a virulent disorder. He had been called in to visitthe patient on the 1st of April, 1837. He was then labouring undersymptoms peculiarly alarming to any medical man. His frame wasstout and muscular, his step firm and elastic, his cheeks plump andred, his voice loud, his appetite good, his pulse full and round. He was in the constant habit of eating three meals per diem, and ofdrinking at least one bottle of wine, and one glass of spirituousliquors diluted with water, in the course of the four-and-twentyhours. He laughed constantly, and in so hearty a manner that itwas terrible to hear him. By dint of powerful medicine, low diet, and bleeding, the symptoms in the course of three days perceptiblydecreased. A rigid perseverance in the same course of treatmentfor only one week, accompanied with small doses of water-gruel, weak broth, and barley-water, led to their entire disappearance. In the course of a month he was sufficiently recovered to becarried down-stairs by two nurses, and to enjoy an airing in aclose carriage, supported by soft pillows. At the present momenthe was restored so far as to walk about, with the slight assistanceof a crutch and a boy. It would perhaps be gratifying to thesection to learn that he ate little, drank little, slept little, and was never heard to laugh by any accident whatever. 

'DR. W. R. FEE, in complimenting the honourable member upon thetriumphant cure he had effected, begged to ask whether the patientstill bled freely?

'DR. KUTANKUMAGEN replied in the affirmative. 

'DR. W. R. FEE. --And you found that he bled freely during the wholecourse of the disorder?

'DR. KUTANKUMAGEN. --Oh dear, yes; most freely. 

'DR. NEESHAWTS supposed, that if the patient had not submitted tobe bled with great readiness and perseverance, so extraordinary acure could never, in fact, have been accomplished. Dr. Kutankumagen rejoined, certainly not. 

'MR. KNIGHT BELL (M. R. C. S. ) exhibited a wax preparation of theinterior of a gentleman who in early life had inadvertentlyswallowed a door-key. It was a curious fact that a medical studentof dissipated habits, being present at the post mortem examination, found means to escape unobserved from the room, with that portionof the coats of the stomach upon which an exact model of theinstrument was distinctly impressed, with which he hastened to alocksmith of doubtful character, who made a new key from thepattern so shown to him. With this key the medical student enteredthe house of the deceased gentleman, and committed a burglary to alarge amount, for which he was subsequently tried and executed. 

'THE PRESIDENT wished to know what became of the original key afterthe lapse of years. Mr. Knight Bell replied that the gentleman wasalways much accustomed to punch, and it was supposed the acid hadgradually devoured it. 

'DR. NEESHAWTS and several of the members were of opinion that thekey must have lain very cold and heavy upon the gentleman'sstomach. 

'MR. KNIGHT BELL believed it did at first. It was worthy ofremark, perhaps, that for some years the gentleman was troubledwith a night-mare, under the influence of which he always imaginedhimself a wine-cellar door. 

'PROFESSOR MUFF related a very extraordinary and convincing proofof the wonderful efficacy of the system of infinitesimal doses, which the section were doubtless aware was based upon the theorythat the very minutest amount of any given drug, properly dispersedthrough the human frame, would be productive of precisely the sameresult as a very large dose administered in the usual manner. Thus, the fortieth part of a grain of calomel was supposed to beequal to a five-grain calomel pill, and so on in proportionthroughout the whole range of medicine. He had tried theexperiment in a curious manner upon a publican who had been broughtinto the hospital with a broken head, and was cured upon theinfinitesimal system in the incredibly short space of three months. This man was a hard drinker. He (Professor Muff) had dispersedthree drops of rum through a bucket of water, and requested the manto drink the whole. What was the result? Before he had drunk aquart, he was in a state of beastly intoxication; and five othermen were made dead drunk with the remainder. 

'THE PRESIDENT wished to know whether an infinitesimal dose ofsoda-water would have recovered them? Professor Muff replied thatthe twenty-fifth part of a teaspoonful, properly administered toeach patient, would have sobered him immediately. The Presidentremarked that this was a most important discovery, and he hoped theLord Mayor and Court of Aldermen would patronize it immediately. 

'A Member begged to be informed whether it would be possible toadminister--say, the twentieth part of a grain of bread and cheeseto all grown-up paupers, and the fortieth part to children, withthe same satisfying effect as their present allowance. 

'PROFESSOR MUFF was willing to stake his professional reputation onthe perfect adequacy of such a quantity of food to the support ofhuman life--in workhouses; the addition of the fifteenth part of agrain of pudding twice a week would render it a high diet. 

'PROFESSOR NOGO called the attention of the section to a veryextraordinary case of animal magnetism. A private watchman, beingmerely looked at by the operator from the opposite side of a widestreet, was at once observed to be in a very drowsy and languidstate. He was followed to his box, and being once slightly rubbedon the palms of the hands, fell into a sound sleep, in which hecontinued without intermission for ten hours. 

'SECTION C. --STATISTICS. HAY-LOFT, ORIGINAL PIG. 

President--Mr. Woodensconce. Vice-Presidents--Mr. Ledbrain and Mr. Timbered. 

'MR. SLUG stated to the section the result of some calculations hehad made with great difficulty and labour, regarding the state ofinfant education among the middle classes of London. He foundthat, within a circle of three miles from the Elephant and Castle, the following were the names and numbers of children's booksprincipally in circulation:-

'Jack the Giant-killer 7, 943Ditto and Bean-stalk 8, 621Ditto and Eleven Brothers 2, 845Ditto and Jill 1, 998Total 21, 407

'He found that the proportion of Robinson Crusoes to Philip Quarllswas as four and a half to one; and that the preponderance ofValentine and Orsons over Goody Two Shoeses was as three and aneighth of the former to half a one of the latter; a comparison ofSeven Champions with Simple Simons gave the same result. Theignorance that prevailed, was lamentable. One child, on beingasked whether he would rather be Saint George of England or arespectable tallow-chandler, instantly replied, "Taint George ofIngling. " Another, a little boy of eight years old, was found tobe firmly impressed with a belief in the existence of dragons, andopenly stated that it was his intention when he grew up, to rushforth sword in hand for the deliverance of captive princesses, andthe promiscuous slaughter of giants. Not one child among thenumber interrogated had ever heard of Mungo Park, --some inquiringwhether he was at all connected with the black man that swept thecrossing; and others whether he was in any way related to theRegent's Park. They had not the slightest conception of thecommonest principles of mathematics, and considered Sindbad theSailor the most enterprising voyager that the world had everproduced. 

'A Member strongly deprecating the use of all the other booksmentioned, suggested that Jack and Jill might perhaps be exemptedfrom the general censure, inasmuch as the hero and heroine, in thevery outset of the tale, were depicted as going UP a hill to fetcha pail of water, which was a laborious and useful occupation, --supposing the family linen was being washed, for instance. 

'MR. SLUG feared that the moral effect of this passage was morethan counterbalanced by another in a subsequent part of the poem, in which very gross allusion was made to the mode in which theheroine was personally chastised by her mother

"'For laughing at Jack's disaster;"

besides, the whole work had this one great fault, IT WAS NOT TRUE. 

'THE PRESIDENT complimented the honourable member on the excellentdistinction he had drawn. Several other Members, too, dwelt uponthe immense and urgent necessity of storing the minds of childrenwith nothing but facts and figures; which process the Presidentvery forcibly remarked, had made them (the section) the men theywere. 

'MR. SLUG then stated some curious calculations respecting thedogs'-meat barrows of London. He found that the total number ofsmall carts and barrows engaged in dispensing provision to the catsand dogs of the metropolis was, one thousand seven hundred andforty-three. The average number of skewers delivered daily withthe provender, by each dogs'-meat cart or barrow, was thirty-six. Now, multiplying the number of skewers so delivered by the numberof barrows, a total of sixty-two thousand seven hundred and forty-eight skewers daily would be obtained. Allowing that, of thesesixty-two thousand seven hundred and forty-eight skewers, the oddtwo thousand seven hundred and forty-eight were accidentallydevoured with the meat, by the most voracious of the animalssupplied, it followed that sixty thousand skewers per day, or theenormous number of twenty-one millions nine hundred thousandskewers annually, were wasted in the kennels and dustholes ofLondon; which, if collected and warehoused, would in ten years'time afford a mass of timber more than sufficient for theconstruction of a first-rate vessel of war for the use of herMajesty's navy, to be called "The Royal Skewer, " and to becomeunder that name the terror of all the enemies of this island. 

'MR. X. LEDBRAIN read a very ingenious communication, from which itappeared that the total number of legs belonging to themanufacturing population of one great town in Yorkshire was, inround numbers, forty thousand, while the total number of chair andstool legs in their houses was only thirty thousand, which, uponthe very favourable average of three legs to a seat, yielded onlyten thousand seats in all. From this calculation it would appear, --not taking wooden or cork legs into the account, but allowing twolegs to every person, --that ten thousand individuals (one-half ofthe whole population) were either destitute of any rest for theirlegs at all, or passed the whole of their leisure time in sittingupon boxes. 

'SECTION D. --MECHANICAL SCIENCE. COACH-HOUSE, ORIGINAL PIG. 

President--Mr. Carter. Vice-Presidents--Mr. Truck and Mr. Waghorn. 

'PROFESSOR QUEERSPECK exhibited an elegant model of a portablerailway, neatly mounted in a green case, for the waistcoat pocket. By attaching this beautiful instrument to his boots, any Bank orpublic-office clerk could transport himself from his place ofresidence to his place of business, at the easy rate of sixty-fivemiles an hour, which, to gentlemen of sedentary pursuits, would bean incalculable advantage. 

'THE PRESIDENT was desirous of knowing whether it was necessary tohave a level surface on which the gentleman was to run. 

'PROFESSOR QUEERSPECK explained that City gentlemen would run intrains, being handcuffed together to prevent confusion orunpleasantness. For instance, trains would start every morning ateight, nine, and ten o'clock, from Camden Town, Islington, Camberwell, Hackney, and various other places in which Citygentlemen are accustomed to reside. It would be necessary to havea level, but he had provided for this difficulty by proposing thatthe best line that the circumstances would admit of, should betaken through the sewers which undermine the streets of themetropolis, and which, well lighted by jets from the gas pipeswhich run immediately above them, would form a pleasant andcommodious arcade, especially in winter-time, when the inconvenientcustom of carrying umbrellas, now so general, could be whollydispensed with. In reply to another question, Professor Queerspeckstated that no substitute for the purposes to which these arcadeswere at present devoted had yet occurred to him, but that he hopedno fanciful objection on this head would be allowed to interferewith so great an undertaking. 

'MR. JOBBA produced a forcing-machine on a novel plan, for bringingjoint-stock railway shares prematurely to a premium. Theinstrument was in the form of an elegant gilt weather-glass, ofmost dazzling appearance, and was worked behind, by strings, afterthe manner of a pantomime trick, the strings being always pulled bythe directors of the company to which the machine belonged. Thequicksilver was so ingeniously placed, that when the actingdirectors held shares in their pockets, figures denoting very smallexpenses and very large returns appeared upon the glass; but themoment the directors parted with these pieces of paper, theestimate of needful expenditure suddenly increased itself to animmense extent, while the statements of certain profits becamereduced in the same proportion. Mr. Jobba stated that the machinehad been in constant requisition for some months past, and he hadnever once known it to fail. 

'A Member expressed his opinion that it was extremely neat andpretty. He wished to know whether it was not liable to accidentalderangement? Mr. Jobba said that the whole machine was undoubtedlyliable to be blown up, but that was the only objection to it. 

'PROFESSOR NOGO arrived from the anatomical section to exhibit amodel of a safety fire-escape, which could be fixed at any time, inless than half an hour, and by means of which, the youngest or mostinfirm persons (successfully resisting the progress of the flamesuntil it was quite ready) could be preserved if they merelybalanced themselves for a few minutes on the sill of their bedroomwindow, and got into the escape without falling into the street. The Professor stated that the number of boys who had been rescuedin the daytime by this machine from houses which were not on fire, was almost incredible. Not a conflagration had occurred in thewhole of London for many months past to which the escape had notbeen carried on the very next day, and put in action before aconcourse of persons. 

'THE PRESIDENT inquired whether there was not some difficulty inascertaining which was the top of the machine, and which thebottom, in cases of pressing emergency. 

'PROFESSOR NOGO explained that of course it could not be expectedto act quite as well when there was a fire, as when there was not afire; but in the former case he thought it would be of equalservice whether the top were up or down. '

With the last section our correspondent concludes his most able andfaithful Report, which will never cease to reflect credit upon himfor his scientific attainments, and upon us for our enterprisingspirit. It is needless to take a review of the subjects which havebeen discussed; of the mode in which they have been examined; ofthe great truths which they have elicited. They are now before theworld, and we leave them to read, to consider, and to profit. 

The place of meeting for next year has undergone discussion, andhas at length been decided, regard being had to, and evidence beingtaken upon, the goodness of its wines, the supply of its markets, the hospitality of its inhabitants, and the quality of its hotels. We hope at this next meeting our correspondent may again bepresent, and that we may be once more the means of placing hiscommunications before the world. Until that period we have beenprevailed upon to allow this number of our Miscellany to beretailed to the public, or wholesaled to the trade, without anyadvance upon our usual price. 

We have only to add, that the committees are now broken up, andthat Mudfog is once again restored to its accustomed tranquillity, --that Professors and Members have had balls, and soirees, andsuppers, and great mutual complimentations, and have at lengthdispersed to their several homes, --whither all good wishes and joysattend them, until next year!

Signed BOZ. 

FULL REPORT OF THE SECOND MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION FOR THEADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING

In October last, we did ourselves the immortal credit of recording, at an enormous expense, and by dint of exertions unnpralleled inthe history of periodical publication, the proceedings of theMudfog Association for the Advancement of Everything, which in thatmonth held its first great half-yearly meeting, to the wonder anddelight of the whole empire. We announced at the conclusion ofthat extraordinary and most remarkable Report, that when the SecondMeeting of the Society should take place, we should be found againat our post, renewing our gigantic and spirited endeavours, andonce more making the world ring with the accuracy, authenticity, immeasurable superiority, and intense remarkability of our accountof its proceedings. In redemption of this pledge, we caused to bedespatched per steam to Oldcastle (at which place this secondmeeting of the Society was held on the 20th instant), the samesuperhumanly-endowed gentleman who furnished the former report, andwho, --gifted by nature with transcendent abilities, and furnishedby us with a body of assistants scarcely inferior to himself, --hasforwarded a series of letters, which, for faithfulness ofdescription, power of language, fervour of thought, happiness ofexpression, and importance of subject-matter, have no equal in theepistolary literature of any age or country. We give thisgentleman's correspondence entire, and in the order in which itreached our office. 

'Saloon of Steamer, Thursday night, half-past eight. 

'When I left New Burlington Street this evening in the hackneycabriolet, number four thousand two hundred and eighty-five, Iexperienced sensations as novel as they were oppressive. A senseof the importance of the task I had undertaken, a consciousnessthat I was leaving London, and, stranger still, going somewhereelse, a feeling of loneliness and a sensation of jolting, quitebewildered my thoughts, and for a time rendered me even insensibleto the presence of my carpet-bag and hat-box. I shall ever feelgrateful to the driver of a Blackwall omnibus who, by thrusting thepole of his vehicle through the small door of the cabriolet, awakened me from a tumult of imaginings that are whollyindescribable. But of such materials is our imperfect naturecomposed!

'I am happy to say that I am the first passenger on board, andshall thus be enabled to give you an account of all that happens inthe order of its occurrence. The chimney is smoking a good deal, and so are the crew; and the captain, I am informed, is very drunkin a little house upon deck, something like a black turnpike. Ishould infer from all I hear that he has got the steam up. 

'You will readily guess with what feelings I have just made thediscovery that my berth is in the same closet with those engaged byProfessor Woodensconce, Mr. Slug, and Professor Grime. ProfessorWoodensconce has taken the shelf above me, and Mr. Slug andProfessor Grime the two shelves opposite. Their luggage hasalready arrived. On Mr. Slug's bed is a long tin tube of aboutthree inches in diameter, carefully closed at both ends. What canthis contain? Some powerful instrument of a new construction, doubtless. '

'Ten minutes past nine. 

'Nobody has yet arrived, nor has anything fresh come in my wayexcept several joints of beef and mutton, from which I concludethat a good plain dinner has been provided for to-morrow. There isa singular smell below, which gave me some uneasiness at first; butas the steward says it is always there, and never goes away, I amquite comfortable again. I learn from this man that the differentsections will be distributed at the Black Boy and Stomach-ache, andthe Boot-jack and Countenance. If this intelligence be true (and Ihave no reason to doubt it), your readers will draw suchconclusions as their different opinions may suggest. 

'I write down these remarks as they occur to me, or as the factscome to my knowledge, in order that my first impressions may losenothing of their original vividness. I shall despatch them insmall packets as opportunities arise. '

'Half past nine. 

'Some dark object has just appeared upon the wharf. I think it isa travelling carriage. '

'A quarter to ten. 

'No, it isn't. '

'Half-past ten. 

The passengers are pouring in every instant. Four omnibuses fullhave just arrived upon the wharf, and all is bustle and activity. The noise and confusion are very great. Cloths are laid in thecabins, and the steward is placing blue plates--full of knobs ofcheese at equal distances down the centre of the tables. He dropsa great many knobs; but, being used to it, picks them up again withgreat dexterity, and, after wiping them on his sleeve, throws themback into the plates. He is a young man of exceedinglyprepossessing appearance--either dirty or a mulatto, but I thinkthe former. 

'An interesting old gentleman, who came to the wharf in an omnibus, has just quarrelled violently with the porters, and is staggeringtowards the vessel with a large trunk in his arms. I trust andhope that he may reach it in safety; but the board he has to crossis narrow and slippery. Was that a splash? Gracious powers!

'I have just returned from the deck. The trunk is standing uponthe extreme brink of the wharf, but the old gentleman is nowhere tobe seen. The watchman is not sure whether he went down or not, butpromises to drag for him the first thing to-morrow morning. Mayhis humane efforts prove successful!

'Professor Nogo has this moment arrived with his nightcap on underhis hat. He has ordered a glass of cold brandy and water, with ahard biscuit and a basin, and has gone straight to bed. What canthis mean?

'The three other scientific gentlemen to whom I have alreadyalluded have come on board, and have all tried their beds, with theexception of Professor Woodensconce, who sleeps in one of the topones, and can't get into it. Mr. Slug, who sleeps in the other topone, is unable to get out of his, and is to have his supper handedup by a boy. I have had the honour to introduce myself to thesegentlemen, and we have amicably arranged the order in which weshall retire to rest; which it is necessary to agree upon, because, although the cabin is very comfortable, there is not room for morethan one gentleman to be out of bed at a time, and even he musttake his boots off in the passage. 

'As I anticipated, the knobs of cheese were provided for thepassengers' supper, and are now in course of consumption. Yourreaders will be surprised to hear that Professor Woodensconce hasabstained from cheese for eight years, although he takes butter inconsiderable quantities. Professor Grime having lost severalteeth, is unable, I observe, to eat his crusts without previouslysoaking them in his bottled porter. How interesting are thesepeculiarities!'

'Half-past eleven. 

'Professors Woodensconce and Grime, with a degree of good humourthat delights us all, have just arranged to toss for a bottle ofmulled port. There has been some discussion whether the paymentshould be decided by the first toss or the best out of three. Eventually the latter course has been determined on. Deeply do Iwish that both gentlemen could win; but that being impossible, Iown that my personal aspirations (I speak as an individual, and donot compromise either you or your readers by this expression offeeling) are with Professor Woodensconce. I have backed thatgentleman to the amount of eighteenpence. '

'Twenty minutes to twelve. 

'Professor Grime has inadvertently tossed his half-crown out of oneof the cabin-windows, and it has been arranged that the stewardshall toss for him. Bets are offered on any side to any amount, but there are no takers. 

'Professor Woodensconce has just called "woman;" but the coinhaving lodged in a beam, is a long time coming down again. Theinterest and suspense of this one moment are beyond anything thatcan be imagined. '

'Twelve o'clock. 

'The mulled port is smoking on the table before me, and ProfessorGrime has won. Tossing is a game of chance; but on every ground, whether of public or private character, intellectual endowments, orscientific attainments, I cannot help expressing my opinion thatProfessor Woodensconce OUGHT to have come off victorious. There isan exultation about Professor Grime incompatible, I fear, with truegreatness. '

'A quarter past twelve. 

'Professor Grime continues to exult, and to boast of his victory inno very measured terms, observing that he always does win, and thathe knew it would be a "head" beforehand, with many other remarks ofa similar nature. Surely this gentleman is not so lost to everyfeeling of decency and propriety as not to feel and know thesuperiority of Professor Woodensconce? Is Professor Grime insane?or does he wish to be reminded in plain language of his trueposition in society, and the precise level of his acquirements andabilities? Professor Grime will do well to look to this. '

'One o'clock. 

'I am writing in bed. The small cabin is illuminated by the feeblelight of a flickering lamp suspended from the ceiling; ProfessorGrime is lying on the opposite shelf on the broad of his back, withhis mouth wide open. The scene is indescribably solemn. Therippling of the tide, the noise of the sailors' feet overhead, thegruff voices on the river, the dogs on the shore, the snoring ofthe passengers, and a constant creaking of every plank in thevessel, are the only sounds that meet the ear. With theseexceptions, all is profound silence. 

'My curiosity has been within the last moment very much excited. Mr. Slug, who lies above Professor Grime, has cautiously withdrawnthe curtains of his berth, and, after looking anxiously out, as ifto satisfy himself that his companions are asleep, has taken up thetin tube of which I have before spoken, and is regarding it withgreat interest. What rare mechanical combination can be containedin that mysterious case? It is evidently a profound secret toall. '

'A quarter past one. 

'The behaviour of Mr. Slug grows more and more mysterious. He hasunscrewed the top of the tube, and now renews his observations uponhis companions, evidently to make sure that he is whollyunobserved. He is clearly on the eve of some great experiment. Pray heaven that it be not a dangerous one; but the interests ofscience must be promoted, and I am prepared for the worst. '

'Five minutes later. 

'He has produced a large pair of scissors, and drawn a roll of somesubstance, not unlike parchment in appearance, from the tin case. The experiment is about to begin. I must strain my eyes to theutmost, in the attempt to follow its minutest operation. '

'Twenty minutes before two. 

'I have at length been enabled to ascertain that the tin tubecontains a few yards of some celebrated plaster, recommended--as Idiscover on regarding the label attentively through my eye-glass--as a preservative against sea-sickness. Mr. Slug has cut it upinto small portions, and is now sticking it over himself in everydirection. '

'Three o'clock. 

'Precisely a quarter of an hour ago we weighed anchor, and themachinery was suddenly put in motion with a noise so appalling, that Professor Woodensconce (who had ascended to his berth by meansof a platform of carpet-bags arranged by himself on geometricalprincipals) darted from his shelf head foremost, and, gaining hisfeet with all the rapidity of extreme terror, ran wildly into theladies' cabin, under the impression that we were sinking, anduttering loud cries for aid. I am assured that the scene whichensued baffles all description. There were one hundred and forty-seven ladies in their respective berths at the time. 

'Mr. Slug has remarked, as an additional instance of the extremeingenuity of the steam-engine as applied to purposes of navigation, that in whatever part of the vessel a passenger's berth may besituated, the machinery always appears to be exactly under hispillow. He intends stating this very beautiful, though simplediscovery, to the association. '

'Half-past ten. 

'We are still in smooth water; that is to say, in as smooth wateras a steam-vessel ever can be, for, as Professor Woodensconce (whohas just woke up) learnedly remarks, another great point ofingenuity about a steamer is, that it always carries a little stormwith it. You can scarcely conceive how exciting the jerkingpulsation of the ship becomes. It is a matter of positivedifficulty to get to sleep. '

'Friday afternoon, six o'clock. 

'I regret to inform you that Mr. Slug's plaster has proved of noavail. He is in great agony, but has applied several large, additional pieces notwithstanding. How affecting is this extremedevotion to science and pursuit of knowledge under the most tryingcircumstances!

'We were extremely happy this morning, and the breakfast was one ofthe most animated description. Nothing unpleasant occurred untilnoon, with the exception of Doctor Foxey's brown silk umbrella andwhite hat becoming entangled in the machinery while he wasexplaining to a knot of ladies the construction of the steam-engine. I fear the gravy soup for lunch was injudicious. We losta great many passengers almost immediately afterwards. '

'Half-past six. 

'I am again in bed. Anything so heart-rending as Mr. Slug'ssufferings it has never yet been my lot to witness. '

'Seven o'clock. 

'A messenger has just come down for a clean pocket-handkerchieffrom Professor Woodensconce's bag, that unfortunate gentleman beingquite unable to leave the deck, and imploring constantly to bethrown overboard. From this man I understand that Professor Nogo, though in a state of utter exhaustion, clings feebly to the hardbiscuit and cold brandy and water, under the impression that theywill yet restore him. Such is the triumph of mind over matter. 

'Professor Grime is in bed, to all appearance quite well; but heWILL eat, and it is disagreeable to see him. Has this gentleman nosympathy with the sufferings of his fellow-creatures? If he has, on what principle can he call for mutton-chops--and smile?'

'Black Boy and Stomach-ache, Oldcastle, Saturday noon. 

'You will be happy to learn that I have at length arrived here insafety. The town is excessively crowded, and all the privatelodgings and hotels are filled with savans of both sexes. Thetremendous assemblage of intellect that one encounters in everystreet is in the last degree overwhelming. 

'Notwithstanding the throng of people here, I have been fortunateenough to meet with very comfortable accommodation on veryreasonable terms, having secured a sofa in the first-floor passageat one guinea per night, which includes permission to take my mealsin the bar, on condition that I walk about the streets at all othertimes, to make room for other gentlemen similarly situated. I havebeen over the outhouses intended to be devoted to the reception ofthe various sections, both here and at the Boot-jack andCountenance, and am much delighted with the arrangements. Nothingcan exceed the fresh appearance of the saw-dust with which thefloors are sprinkled. The forms are of unplaned deal, and thegeneral effect, as you can well imagine, is extremely beautiful. '

'Half-past nine. 

'The number and rapidity of the arrivals are quite bewildering. Within the last ten minutes a stage-coach has driven up to thedoor, filled inside and out with distinguished characters, comprising Mr. Muddlebranes, Mr. Drawley, Professor Muff, Mr. X. Misty, Mr. X. X. Misty, Mr. Purblind, Professor Rummun, TheHonourable and Reverend Mr. Long Eers, Professor John Ketch, SirWilliam Joltered, Doctor Buffer, Mr. Smith (of London), Mr. Brown(of Edinburgh), Sir Hookham Snivey, and Professor Pumpkinskull. The ten last-named gentlemen were wet through, and looked extremelyintelligent. '

'Sunday, two o'clock, p. M. 

'The Honourable and Reverend Mr. Long Eers, accompanied by SirWilliam Joltered, walked and drove this morning. They accomplishedthe former feat in boots, and the latter in a hired fly. This hasnaturally given rise to much discussion. 

'I have just learnt that an interview has taken place at the Boot-jack and Countenance between Sowster, the active and intelligentbeadle of this place, and Professor Pumpkinskull, who, as yourreaders are doubtless aware, is an influential member of thecouncil. I forbear to communicate any of the rumours to which thisvery extraordinary proceeding has given rise until I have seenSowster, and endeavoured to ascertain the truth from him. '

'Half-past six. 

'I engaged a donkey-chaise shortly after writing the above, andproceeded at a brisk trot in the direction of Sowster's residence, passing through a beautiful expanse of country, with red brickbuildings on either side, and stopping in the marketplace toobserve the spot where Mr. Kwakley's hat was blown off yesterday. It is an uneven piece of paving, but has certainly no appearancewhich would lead one to suppose that any such event had recentlyoccurred there. From this point I proceeded--passing the gas-worksand tallow-melter's--to a lane which had been pointed out to me asthe beadle's place of residence; and before I had driven a dozenyards further, I had the good fortune to meet Sowster himselfadvancing towards me. 

'Sowster is a fat man, with a more enlarged development of thatpeculiar conformation of countenance which is vulgarly termed adouble chin than I remember to have ever seen before. He has alsoa very red nose, which he attributes to a habit of early rising--sored, indeed, that but for this explanation I should have supposedit to proceed from occasional inebriety. He informed me that hedid not feel himself at liberty to relate what had passed betweenhimself and Professor Pumpkinskull, but had no objection to statethat it was connected with a matter of police regulation, and addedwith peculiar significance "Never wos sitch times!"

'You will easily believe that this intelligence gave meconsiderable surprise, not wholly unmixed with anxiety, and that Ilost no time in waiting on Professor Pumpkinskull, and stating theobject of my visit. After a few moments' reflection, theProfessor, who, I am bound to say, behaved with the utmostpoliteness, openly avowed (I mark the passage in italics) THAT HEHAD REQUESTED SOWSTER TO ATTEND ON THE MONDAY MORNING AT THE BOOT-JACK AND COUNTENANCE, TO KEEP OFF THE BOYS; AND THAT HE HAD FURTHERDESIRED THAT THE UNDER-BEADLE MIGHT BE STATIONED, WITH THE SAMEOBJECT, AT THE BLACK BOY AND STOMACH-ACHE!

'Now I leave this unconstitutional proceeding to your comments andthe consideration of your readers. I have yet to learn that abeadle, without the precincts of a church, churchyard, or work-house, and acting otherwise than under the express orders ofchurchwardens and overseers in council assembled, to enforce thelaw against people who come upon the parish, and other offenders, has any lawful authority whatever over the rising youth of thiscountry. I have yet to learn that a beadle can be called out byany civilian to exercise a domination and despotism over the boysof Britain. I have yet to learn that a beadle will be permitted bythe commissioners of poor law regulation to wear out the soles andheels of his boots in illegal interference with the liberties ofpeople not proved poor or otherwise criminal. I have yet to learnthat a beadle has power to stop up the Queen's highway at his willand pleasure, or that the whole width of the street is not free andopen to any man, boy, or woman in existence, up to the very wallsof the houses--ay, be they Black Boys and Stomach-aches, or Boot-jacks and Countenances, I care not. '

'Nine o'clock. 

'I have procured a local artist to make a faithful sketch of thetyrant Sowster, which, as he has acquired this infamous celebrity, you will no doubt wish to have engraved for the purpose ofpresenting a copy with every copy of your next number. I encloseit. 

[Picture which cannot be reproduced]

The under-beadle has consented to write his life, but it is to bestrictly anonymous. 

'The accompanying likeness is of course from the life, and completein every respect. Even if I had been totally ignorant of the man'sreal character, and it had been placed before me without remark, Ishould have shuddered involuntarily. There is an intense malignityof expression in the features, and a baleful ferocity of purpose inthe ruffian's eye, which appals and sickens. His whole air isrampant with cruelty, nor is the stomach less characteristic of hisdemoniac propensities. '

'Monday. 

'The great day has at length arrived. I have neither eyes, norears, nor pens, nor ink, nor paper, for anything but the wonderfulproceedings that have astounded my senses. Let me collect myenergies and proceed to the account. 

'SECTION A. --ZOOLOGY AND BOTANY. FRONT PARLOUR, BLACK BOY AND STOMACH-ACHE. 

President--Sir William Joltered. Vice-Presidents--Mr. Muddlebranesand Mr. Drawley. 

'MR. X. X. MISTY communicated some remarks on the disappearance ofdancing-bears from the streets of London, with observations on theexhibition of monkeys as connected with barrel-organs. The writerhad observed, with feelings of the utmost pain and regret, thatsome years ago a sudden and unaccountable change in the publictaste took place with reference to itinerant bears, who, beingdiscountenanced by the populace, gradually fell off one by one fromthe streets of the metropolis, until not one remained to create ataste for natural history in the breasts of the poor anduninstructed. One bear, indeed, --a brown and ragged animal, --hadlingered about the haunts of his former triumphs, with a worn anddejected visage and feeble limbs, and had essayed to wield hisquarter-staff for the amusement of the multitude; but hunger, andan utter want of any due recompense for his abilities, had atlength driven him from the field, and it was only too probable thathe had fallen a sacrifice to the rising taste for grease. Heregretted to add that a similar, and no less lamentable, change hadtaken place with reference to monkeys. These delightful animalshad formerly been almost as plentiful as the organs on the tops ofwhich they were accustomed to sit; the proportion in the year 1829(it appeared by the parliamentary return) being as one monkey tothree organs. Owing, however, to an altered taste in musicalinstruments, and the substitution, in a great measure, of narrowboxes of music for organs, which left the monkeys nothing to situpon, this source of public amusement was wholly dried up. Considering it a matter of the deepest importance, in connectionwith national education, that the people should not lose suchopportunities of making themselves acquainted with the manners andcustoms of two most interesting species of animals, the authorsubmitted that some measures should be immediately taken for therestoration of these pleasing and truly intellectual amusements. 

'THE PRESIDENT inquired by what means the honourable memberproposed to attain this most desirable end?

'THE AUTHOR submitted that it could be most fully andsatisfactorily accomplished, if Her Majesty's Government wouldcause to be brought over to England, and maintained at the publicexpense, and for the public amusement, such a number of bears aswould enable every quarter of the town to be visited--say at leastby three bears a week. No difficulty whatever need be experiencedin providing a fitting place for the reception of these animals, asa commodious bear-garden could be erected in the immediateneighbourhood of both Houses of Parliament; obviously the mostproper and eligible spot for such an establishment. 

'PROFESSOR MULL doubted very much whether any correct ideas ofnatural history were propagated by the means to which thehonourable member had so ably adverted. On the contrary, hebelieved that they had been the means of diffusing very incorrectand imperfect notions on the subject. He spoke from personalobservation and personal experience, when he said that manychildren of great abilities had been induced to believe, from whatthey had observed in the streets, at and before the period to whichthe honourable gentleman had referred, that all monkeys were bornin red coats and spangles, and that their hats and feathers alsocame by nature. He wished to know distinctly whether thehonourable gentleman attributed the want of encouragement the bearshad met with to the decline of public taste in that respect, or toa want of ability on the part of the bears themselves?

'MR. X. X. MISTY replied, that he could not bring himself tobelieve but that there must be a great deal of floating talentamong the bears and monkeys generally; which, in the absence of anyproper encouragement, was dispersed in other directions. 

'PROFESSOR PUMPKINSKULL wished to take that opportunity of callingthe attention of the section to a most important and serious point. The author of the treatise just read had alluded to the prevalenttaste for bears'-grease as a means of promoting the growth of hair, which undoubtedly was diffused to a very great and (as it appearedto him) very alarming extent. No gentleman attending that sectioncould fail to be aware of the fact that the youth of the presentage evinced, by their behaviour in the streets, and at all placesof public resort, a considerable lack of that gallantry andgentlemanly feeling which, in more ignorant times, had been thoughtbecoming. He wished to know whether it were possible that aconstant outward application of bears'-grease by the younggentlemen about town had imperceptibly infused into those unhappypersons something of the nature and quality of the bear. Heshuddered as he threw out the remark; but if this theory, oninquiry, should prove to be well founded, it would at once explaina great deal of unpleasant eccentricity of behaviour, which, without some such discovery, was wholly unaccountable. 

'THE PRESIDENT highly complimented the learned gentleman on hismost valuable suggestion, which produced the greatest effect uponthe assembly; and remarked that only a week previous he had seensome young gentlemen at a theatre eyeing a box of ladies with afierce intensity, which nothing but the influence of some brutishappetite could possibly explain. It was dreadful to reflect thatour youth were so rapidly verging into a generation of bears. 

'After a scene of scientific enthusiasm it was resolved that thisimportant question should be immediately submitted to theconsideration of the council. 

'THE PRESIDENT wished to know whether any gentleman could informthe section what had become of the dancing-dogs?

'A MEMBER replied, after some hesitation, that on the day afterthree glee-singers had been committed to prison as criminals by alate most zealous police-magistrate of the metropolis, the dogs hadabandoned their professional duties, and dispersed themselves indifferent quarters of the town to gain a livelihood by lessdangerous means. He was given to understand that since that periodthey had supported themselves by lying in wait for and robbingblind men's poodles. 

'MR. FLUMMERY exhibited a twig, claiming to be a veritable branchof that noble tree known to naturalists as the SHAKSPEARE, whichhas taken root in every land and climate, and gathered under theshade of its broad green boughs the great family of mankind. Thelearned gentleman remarked that the twig had been undoubtedlycalled by other names in its time; but that it had been pointed outto him by an old lady in Warwickshire, where the great tree hadgrown, as a shoot of the genuine SHAKSPEARE, by which name hebegged to introduce it to his countrymen. 

'THE PRESIDENT wished to know what botanical definition thehonourable gentleman could afford of the curiosity. 

'MR. FLUMMERY expressed his opinion that it was A DECIDED PLANT. 

'SECTION B. --DISPLAY OF MODELS AND MECHANICAL SCIENCE. LARGE ROOM, BOOT-JACK AND COUNTENANCE. 

President--Mr. Mallett. Vice-Presidents--Messrs. Leaver and Scroo. 

'MR. CRINKLES exhibited a most beautiful and delicate machine, oflittle larger size than an ordinary snuff-box, manufacturedentirely by himself, and composed exclusively of steel, by the aidof which more pockets could be picked in one hour than by thepresent slow and tedious process in four-and-twenty. The inventorremarked that it had been put into active operation in FleetStreet, the Strand, and other thoroughfares, and had never beenonce known to fail. 

'After some slight delay, occasioned by the various members of thesection buttoning their pockets, 'THE PRESIDENT narrowly inspected the invention, and declared thathe had never seen a machine of more beautiful or exquisiteconstruction. Would the inventor be good enough to inform thesection whether he had taken any and what means for bringing itinto general operation?

'MR. CRINKLES stated that, after encountering some preliminarydifficulties, he had succeeded in putting himself in communicationwith Mr. Fogle Hunter, and other gentlemen connected with the swellmob, who had awarded the invention the very highest and mostunqualified approbation. He regretted to say, however, that thesedistinguished practitioners, in common with a gentleman of the nameof Gimlet-eyed Tommy, and other members of a secondary grade of theprofession whom he was understood to represent, entertained aninsuperable objection to its being brought into general use, on theground that it would have the inevitable effect of almost entirelysuperseding manual labour, and throwing a great number of highly-deserving persons out of employment. 

'THE PRESIDENT hoped that no such fanciful objections would beallowed to stand in the way of such a great public improvement. 

'MR. CRINKLES hoped so too; but he feared that if the gentlemen ofthe swell mob persevered in their objection, nothing could be done. 

'PROFESSOR GRIME suggested, that surely, in that case, HerMajesty's Government might be prevailed upon to take it up. 

'MR. CRINKLES said, that if the objection were found to beinsuperable he should apply to Parliament, which he thought couldnot fail to recognise the utility of the invention. 

'THE PRESIDENT observed that, up to this time Parliament hadcertainly got on very well without it; but, as they did theirbusiness on a very large scale, he had no doubt they would gladlyadopt the improvement. His only fear was that the machine might beworn out by constant working. 

'MR. COPPERNOSE called the attention of the section to aproposition of great magnitude and interest, illustrated by a vastnumber of models, and stated with much clearness and perspicuity ina treatise entitled "Practical Suggestions on the necessity ofproviding some harmless and wholesome relaxation for the youngnoblemen of England. " His proposition was, that a space of groundof not less than ten miles in length and four in breadth should bepurchased by a new company, to be incorporated by Act ofParliament, and inclosed by a brick wall of not less than twelvefeet in height. He proposed that it should be laid out withhighway roads, turnpikes, bridges, miniature villages, and everyobject that could conduce to the comfort and glory of Four-in-handClubs, so that they might be fairly presumed to require no drivebeyond it. This delightful retreat would be fitted up with mostcommodious and extensive stables, for the convenience of such ofthe nobility and gentry as had a taste for ostlering, and withhouses of entertainment furnished in the most expensive andhandsome style. It would be further provided with whole streets ofdoor-knockers and bell-handles of extra size, so constructed thatthey could be easily wrenched off at night, and regularly screwedon again, by attendants provided for the purpose, every day. Therewould also be gas lamps of real glass, which could be broken at acomparatively small expense per dozen, and a broad and handsomefoot pavement for gentlemen to drive their cabriolets upon whenthey were humorously disposed--for the full enjoyment of which featlive pedestrians would be procured from the workhouse at a verysmall charge per head. The place being inclosed, and carefullyscreened from the intrusion of the public, there would be noobjection to gentlemen laying aside any article of their costumethat was considered to interfere with a pleasant frolic, or, indeed, to their walking about without any costume at all, if theyliked that better. In short, every facility of enjoyment would beafforded that the most gentlemanly person could possibly desire. But as even these advantages would be incomplete unless there weresome means provided of enabling the nobility and gentry to displaytheir prowess when they sallied forth after dinner, and as someinconvenience might be experienced in the event of their beingreduced to the necessity of pummelling each other, the inventor hadturned his attention to the construction of an entirely new policeforce, composed exclusively of automaton figures, which, with theassistance of the ingenious Signor Gagliardi, of Windmill-street, in the Haymarket, he had succeeded in making with such nicety, thata policeman, cab-driver, or old woman, made upon the principle ofthe models exhibited, would walk about until knocked down like anyreal man; nay, more, if set upon and beaten by six or eightnoblemen or gentlemen, after it was down, the figure would utterdivers groans, mingled with entreaties for mercy, thus renderingthe illusion complete, and the enjoyment perfect. But theinvention did not stop even here; for station-houses would bebuilt, containing good beds for noblemen and gentlemen during thenight, and in the morning they would repair to a commodious policeoffice, where a pantomimic investigation would take place beforethe automaton magistrates, --quite equal to life, --who would finethem in so many counters, with which they would be previouslyprovided for the purpose. This office would be furnished with aninclined plane, for the convenience of any nobleman or gentlemanwho might wish to bring in his horse as a witness; and theprisoners would be at perfect liberty, as they were now, tointerrupt the complainants as much as they pleased, and to make anyremarks that they thought proper. The charge for these amusementswould amount to very little more than they already cost, and theinventor submitted that the public would be much benefited andcomforted by the proposed arrangement. 

'PROFESSOR NOGO wished to be informed what amount of automatonpolice force it was proposed to raise in the first instance. 

'MR. COPPERNOSE replied, that it was proposed to begin with sevendivisions of police of a score each, lettered from A to Ginclusive. It was proposed that not more than half this numbershould be placed on active duty, and that the remainder should bekept on shelves in the police office ready to be called out at amoment's notice. 

'THE PRESIDENT, awarding the utmost merit to the ingeniousgentleman who had originated the idea, doubted whether theautomaton police would quite answer the purpose. He feared thatnoblemen and gentlemen would perhaps require the excitement ofthrashing living subjects. 

'MR. COPPERNOSE submitted, that as the usual odds in such caseswere ten noblemen or gentlemen to one policeman or cab-driver, itcould make very little difference in point of excitement whetherthe policeman or cab-driver were a man or a block. The greatadvantage would be, that a policeman's limbs might be all knockedoff, and yet he would be in a condition to do duty next day. Hemight even give his evidence next morning with his head in hishand, and give it equally well. 

'PROFESSOR MUFF. --Will you allow me to ask you, sir, of whatmaterials it is intended that the magistrates' heads shall becomposed?

'MR. COPPERNOSE. --The magistrates will have wooden heads of course, and they will be made of the toughest and thickest materials thatcan possibly be obtained. 

'PROFESSOR MUFF. --I am quite satisfied. This is a great invention. 

'PROFESSOR NOGO. --I see but one objection to it. It appears to methat the magistrates ought to talk. 

'MR. COPPERNOSE no sooner heard this suggestion than he touched asmall spring in each of the two models of magistrates which wereplaced upon the table; one of the figures immediately began toexclaim with great volubility that he was sorry to see gentlemen insuch a situation, and the other to express a fear that thepoliceman was intoxicated. 

'The section, as with one accord, declared with a shout of applausethat the invention was complete; and the President, much excited, retired with Mr. Coppernose to lay it before the council. On hisreturn, 'MR. TICKLE displayed his newly-invented spectacles, which enabledthe wearer to discern, in very bright colours, objects at a greatdistance, and rendered him wholly blind to those immediately beforehim. It was, he said, a most valuable and useful invention, basedstrictly upon the principle of the human eye. 

'THE PRESIDENT required some information upon this point. He hadyet to learn that the human eye was remarkable for thepeculiarities of which the honourable gentleman had spoken. 

'MR. TICKLE was rather astonished to hear this, when the Presidentcould not fail to be aware that a large number of most excellentpersons and great statesmen could see, with the naked eye, mostmarvellous horrors on West India plantations, while they coulddiscern nothing whatever in the interior of Manchester cottonmills. He must know, too, with what quickness of perception mostpeople could discover their neighbour's faults, and how very blindthey were to their own. If the President differed from the greatmajority of men in this respect, his eye was a defective one, andit was to assist his vision that these glasses were made. 

'MR. BLANK exhibited a model of a fashionable annual, composed ofcopper-plates, gold leaf, and silk boards, and worked entirely bymilk and water. 

'MR. PROSEE, after examining the machine, declared it to be soingeniously composed, that he was wholly unable to discover how itwent on at all. 

'MR. BLANK. --Nobody can, and that is the beauty of it. 

'SECTION C. --ANATOMY AND MEDICINE. BAR ROOM, BLACK BOY AND STOMACH-ACHE. 

President--Dr. Soemup. Vice-Presidents--Messrs. Pessell andMortair. 

'DR. GRUMMIDGE stated to the section a most interesting case ofmonomania, and described the course of treatment he had pursuedwith perfect success. The patient was a married lady in the middlerank of life, who, having seen another lady at an evening party ina full suit of pearls, was suddenly seized with a desire to possessa similar equipment, although her husband's finances were by nomeans equal to the necessary outlay. Finding her wish ungratified, she fell sick, and the symptoms soon became so alarming, that he(Dr. Grummidge) was called in. At this period the prominent tokensof the disorder were sullenness, a total indisposition to performdomestic duties, great peevishness, and extreme languor, exceptwhen pearls were mentioned, at which times the pulse quickened, theeyes grew brighter, the pupils dilated, and the patient, aftervarious incoherent exclamations, burst into a passion of tears, andexclaimed that nobody cared for her, and that she wished herselfdead. Finding that the patient's appetite was affected in thepresence of company, he began by ordering a total abstinence fromall stimulants, and forbidding any sustenance but weak gruel; hethen took twenty ounces of blood, applied a blister under each ear, one upon the chest, and another on the back; having done which, andadministered five grains of calomel, he left the patient to herrepose. The next day she was somewhat low, but decidedly better, and all appearances of irritation were removed. The next day sheimproved still further, and on the next again. On the fourth therewas some appearance of a return of the old symptoms, which nosooner developed themselves, than he administered another dose ofcalomel, and left strict orders that, unless a decidedly favourablechange occurred within two hours, the patient's head should beimmediately shaved to the very last curl. From that moment shebegan to mend, and, in less than four-and-twenty hours wasperfectly restored. She did not now betray the least emotion atthe sight or mention of pearls or any other ornaments. She wascheerful and good-humoured, and a most beneficial change had beeneffected in her whole temperament and condition. 

'MR. PIPKIN (M. R. C. S. ) read a short but most interestingcommunication in which he sought to prove the complete belief ofSir William Courtenay, otherwise Thorn, recently shot atCanterbury, in the Homoeopathic system. The section would bear inmind that one of the Homoeopathic doctrines was, that infinitesimaldoses of any medicine which would occasion the disease under whichthe patient laboured, supposing him to be in a healthy state, wouldcure it. Now, it was a remarkable circumstance--proved in theevidence--that the deceased Thorn employed a woman to follow himabout all day with a pail of water, assuring her that one drop (apurely homoeopathic remedy, the section would observe), placed uponhis tongue, after death, would restore him. What was the obviousinference? That Thorn, who was marching and countermarching inosier beds, and other swampy places, was impressed with apresentiment that he should be drowned; in which case, had hisinstructions been complied with, he could not fail to have beenbrought to life again instantly by his own prescription. As itwas, if this woman, or any other person, had administered aninfinitesimal dose of lead and gunpowder immediately after he fell, he would have recovered forthwith. But unhappily the womanconcerned did not possess the power of reasoning by analogy, orcarrying out a principle, and thus the unfortunate gentleman hadbeen sacrificed to the ignorance of the peasantry. 

'SECTION D. --STATISTICS. OUT-HOUSE, BLACK BOY AND STOMACH-ACHE. 

President--Mr. Slug. Vice-Presidents--Messrs. Noakes and Styles. 

'MR. KWAKLEY stated the result of some most ingenious statisticalinquiries relative to the difference between the value of thequalification of several members of Parliament as published to theworld, and its real nature and amount. After reminding the sectionthat every member of Parliament for a town or borough was supposedto possess a clear freehold estate of three hundred pounds perannum, the honourable gentleman excited great amusement andlaughter by stating the exact amount of freehold property possessedby a column of legislators, in which he had included himself. Itappeared from this table, that the amount of such income possessedby each was 0 pounds, 0 shillings, and 0 pence, yielding an averageof the same. (Great laughter. ) It was pretty well known that therewere accommodating gentlemen in the habit of furnishing new memberswith temporary qualifications, to the ownership of which they sworesolemnly--of course as a mere matter of form. He argued from thesedata that it was wholly unnecessary for members of Parliament topossess any property at all, especially as when they had none thepublic could get them so much cheaper. 

'SUPPLEMENTARY SECTION, E. --UMBUGOLOGY AND DITCHWATERISICS. 

President--Mr. Grub. Vice Presidents--Messrs. Dull and Dummy. 

'A paper was read by the secretary descriptive of a bay pony withone eye, which had been seen by the author standing in a butcher'scart at the corner of Newgate Market. The communication describedthe author of the paper as having, in the prosecution of amercantile pursuit, betaken himself one Saturday morning lastsummer from Somers Town to Cheapside; in the course of whichexpedition he had beheld the extraordinary appearance abovedescribed. The pony had one distinct eye, and it had been pointedout to him by his friend Captain Blunderbore, of the Horse Marines, who assisted the author in his search, that whenever he winked thiseye he whisked his tail (possibly to drive the flies off), but thathe always winked and whisked at the same time. The animal waslean, spavined, and tottering; and the author proposed toconstitute it of the family of FITFORDOGSMEATAURIOUS. It certainlydid occur to him that there was no case on record of a pony withone clearly-defined and distinct organ of vision, winking andwhisking at the same moment. 

'MR. Q. J. SNUFFLETOFFLE had heard of a pony winking his eye, andlikewise of a pony whisking his tail, but whether they were twoponies or the same pony he could not undertake positively to say. At all events, he was acquainted with no authenticated instance ofa simultaneous winking and whisking, and he really could not butdoubt the existence of such a marvellous pony in opposition to allthose natural laws by which ponies were governed. Referring, however, to the mere question of his one organ of vision, might hesuggest the possibility of this pony having been literally halfasleep at the time he was seen, and having closed only one eye. 

'THE PRESIDENT observed that, whether the pony was half asleep orfast asleep, there could be no doubt that the association was wideawake, and therefore that they had better get the business over, and go to dinner. He had certainly never seen anything analogousto this pony, but he was not prepared to doubt its existence; forhe had seen many queerer ponies in his time, though he did notpretend to have seen any more remarkable donkeys than the othergentlemen around him. 

'PROFESSOR JOHN KETCH was then called upon to exhibit the skull ofthe late Mr. Greenacre, which he produced from a blue bag, remarking, on being invited to make any observations that occurredto him, "that he'd pound it as that 'ere 'spectable section hadnever seed a more gamerer cove nor he vos. "

'A most animated discussion upon this interesting relic ensued;and, some difference of opinion arising respecting the realcharacter of the deceased gentleman, Mr. Blubb delivered a lectureupon the cranium before him, clearly showing that Mr. Greenacrepossessed the organ of destructiveness to a most unusual extent, with a most remarkable development of the organ of carveativeness. Sir Hookham Snivey was proceeding to combat this opinion, whenProfessor Ketch suddenly interrupted the proceedings by exclaiming, with great excitement of manner, "Walker!"

'THE PRESIDENT begged to call the learned gentleman to order. 

'PROFESSOR KETCH. --"Order be blowed! you've got the wrong un, Itell you. It ain't no 'ed at all; it's a coker-nut as my brother-in-law has been a-carvin', to hornament his new baked tatur-stallwots a-comin' down 'ere vile the 'sociation's in the town. Handover, vill you?"

'With these words, Professor Ketch hastily repossessed himself ofthe cocoa-nut, and drew forth the skull, in mistake for which hehad exhibited it. A most interesting conversation ensued; but asthere appeared some doubt ultimately whether the skull was Mr. Greenacre's, or a hospital patient's, or a pauper's, or a man's, ora woman's, or a monkey's, no particular result was obtained. '

'I cannot, ' says our talented correspondent in conclusion, 'Icannot close my account of these gigantic researches and sublimeand noble triumphs without repeating a bon mot of ProfessorWoodensconce's, which shows how the greatest minds may occasionallyunbend when truth can be presented to listening ears, clothed in anattractive and playful form. I was standing by, when, after a weekof feasting and feeding, that learned gentleman, accompanied by thewhole body of wonderful men, entered the hall yesterday, where asumptuous dinner was prepared; where the richest wines sparkled onthe board, and fat bucks--propitiatory sacrifices to learning--sentforth their savoury odours. "Ah!" said Professor Woodensconce, rubbing his hands, "this is what we meet for; this is what inspiresus; this is what keeps us together, and beckons us onward; this isthe SPREAD of science, and a glorious spread it is. "'

THE PANTOMIME OF LIFE

Before we plunge headlong into this paper, let us at once confessto a fondness for pantomimes--to a gentle sympathy with clowns andpantaloons--to an unqualified admiration of harlequins andcolumbines--to a chaste delight in every action of their briefexistence, varied and many-coloured as those actions are, andinconsistent though they occasionally be with those rigid andformal rules of propriety which regulate the proceedings of meanerand less comprehensive minds. We revel in pantomimes--not becausethey dazzle one's eyes with tinsel and gold leaf; not because theypresent to us, once again, the well-beloved chalked faces, andgoggle eyes of our childhood; not even because, like Christmas-day, and Twelfth-night, and Shrove-Tuesday, and one's own birthday, theycome to us but once a year;--our attachment is founded on a graverand a very different reason. A pantomime is to us, a mirror oflife; nay, more, we maintain that it is so to audiences generally, although they are not aware of it, and that this very circumstanceis the secret cause of their amusement and delight. 

Let us take a slight example. The scene is a street: an elderlygentleman, with a large face and strongly marked features, appears. His countenance beams with a sunny smile, and a perpetual dimple ison his broad, red cheek. He is evidently an opulent elderlygentleman, comfortable in circumstances, and well-to-do in theworld. He is not unmindful of the adornment of his person, for heis richly, not to say gaudily, dressed; and that he indulges to areasonable extent in the pleasures of the table may be inferredfrom the joyous and oily manner in which he rubs his stomach, byway of informing the audience that he is going home to dinner. Inthe fulness of his heart, in the fancied security of wealth, in thepossession and enjoyment of all the good things of life, theelderly gentleman suddenly loses his footing, and stumbles. Howthe audience roar! He is set upon by a noisy and officious crowd, who buffet and cuff him unmercifully. They scream with delight!Every time the elderly gentleman struggles to get up, hisrelentless persecutors knock him down again. The spectators areconvulsed with merriment! And when at last the elderly gentlemandoes get up, and staggers away, despoiled of hat, wig, andclothing, himself battered to pieces, and his watch and money gone, they are exhausted with laughter, and express their merriment andadmiration in rounds of applause. 

Is this like life? Change the scene to any real street;--to theStock Exchange, or the City banker's; the merchant's counting-house, or even the tradesman's shop. See any one of these menfall, --the more suddenly, and the nearer the zenith of his prideand riches, the better. What a wild hallo is raised over hisprostrate carcase by the shouting mob; how they whoop and yell ashe lies humbled beneath them! Mark how eagerly they set upon himwhen he is down; and how they mock and deride him as he slinksaway. Why, it is the pantomime to the very letter. 

Of all the pantomimic dramatis personae, we consider the pantaloonthe most worthless and debauched. Independent of the dislike onenaturally feels at seeing a gentleman of his years engaged inpursuits highly unbecoming his gravity and time of life, we cannotconceal from ourselves the fact that he is a treacherous, worldly-minded old villain, constantly enticing his younger companion, theclown, into acts of fraud or petty larceny, and generally standingaside to watch the result of the enterprise. If it be successful, he never forgets to return for his share of the spoil; but if itturn out a failure, he generally retires with remarkable cautionand expedition, and keeps carefully aloof until the affair hasblown over. His amorous propensities, too, are eminentlydisagreeable; and his mode of addressing ladies in the open streetat noon-day is down-right improper, being usually neither more norless than a perceptible tickling of the aforesaid ladies in thewaist, after committing which, he starts back, manifestly ashamed(as well he may be) of his own indecorum and temerity; continuing, nevertheless, to ogle and beckon to them from a distance in a veryunpleasant and immoral manner. 

Is there any man who cannot count a dozen pantaloons in his ownsocial circle? Is there any man who has not seen them swarming atthe west end of the town on a sunshiny day or a summer's evening, going through the last-named pantomimic feats with as muchliquorish energy, and as total an absence of reserve, as if theywere on the very stage itself? We can tell upon our fingers adozen pantaloons of our acquaintance at this moment--capitalpantaloons, who have been performing all kinds of strange freaks, to the great amusement of their friends and acquaintance, for yearspast; and who to this day are making such comical and ineffectualattempts to be young and dissolute, that all beholders are like todie with laughter. 

Take that old gentleman who has just emerged from the Cafe del'Europe in the Haymarket, where he has been dining at the expenseof the young man upon town with whom he shakes hands as they partat the door of the tavern. The affected warmth of that shake ofthe hand, the courteous nod, the obvious recollection of thedinner, the savoury flavour of which still hangs upon his lips, areall characteristics of his great prototype. He hobbles awayhumming an opera tune, and twirling his cane to and fro, withaffected carelessness. Suddenly he stops--'tis at the milliner'swindow. He peeps through one of the large panes of glass; and, hisview of the ladies within being obstructed by the India shawls, directs his attentions to the young girl with the band-box in herhand, who is gazing in at the window also. See! he draws besideher. He coughs; she turns away from him. He draws near her again;she disregards him. He gleefully chucks her under the chin, and, retreating a few steps, nods and beckons with fantastic grimaces, while the girl bestows a contemptuous and supercilious look uponhis wrinkled visage. She turns away with a flounce, and the oldgentleman trots after her with a toothless chuckle. The pantaloonto the life!

 But the close resemblance which the clowns of the stage bear tothose of every-day life is perfectly extraordinary. Some peopletalk with a sigh of the decline of pantomime, and murmur in low anddismal tones the name of Grimaldi. We mean no disparagement to theworthy and excellent old man when we say that this is downrightnonsense. Clowns that beat Grimaldi all to nothing turn up everyday, and nobody patronizes them--more's the pity!

'I know who you mean, ' says some dirty-faced patron of Mr. Osbaldistone's, laying down the Miscellany when he has got thusfar, and bestowing upon vacancy a most knowing glance; 'you mean C. J. Smith as did Guy Fawkes, and George Barnwell at the Garden. 'The dirty-faced gentleman has hardly uttered the words, when he isinterrupted by a young gentleman in no shirt-collar and a Petershamcoat. 'No, no, ' says the young gentleman; 'he means Brown, King, and Gibson, at the 'Delphi. ' Now, with great deference both to thefirst-named gentleman with the dirty face, and the last-namedgentleman in the non-existing shirt-collar, we do NOT mean eitherthe performer who so grotesquely burlesqued the Popish conspirator, or the three unchangeables who have been dancing the same danceunder different imposing titles, and doing the same thing undervarious high-sounding names for some five or six years last past. We have no sooner made this avowal, than the public, who havehitherto been silent witnesses of the dispute, inquire what onearth it is we DO mean; and, with becoming respect, we proceed totell them. 

It is very well known to all playgoers and pantomime-seers, thatthe scenes in which a theatrical clown is at the very height of hisglory are those which are described in the play-bills as'Cheesemonger's shop and Crockery warehouse, ' or 'Tailor's shop, and Mrs. Queertable's boarding-house, ' or places bearing some suchtitle, where the great fun of the thing consists in the hero'staking lodgings which he has not the slightest intention of payingfor, or obtaining goods under false pretences, or abstracting thestock-in-trade of the respectable shopkeeper next door, or robbingwarehouse porters as they pass under his window, or, to shorten thecatalogue, in his swindling everybody he possibly can, it onlyremaining to be observed that, the more extensive the swindling is, and the more barefaced the impudence of the swindler, the greaterthe rapture and ecstasy of the audience. Now it is a mostremarkable fact that precisely this sort of thing occurs in reallife day after day, and nobody sees the humour of it. Let usillustrate our position by detailing the plot of this portion ofthe pantomime--not of the theatre, but of life. 

The Honourable Captain Fitz-Whisker Fiercy, attended by his liveryservant Do'em--a most respectable servant to look at, who has growngrey in the service of the captain's family--views, treats for, andultimately obtains possession of, the unfurnished house, such anumber, such a street. All the tradesmen in the neighbourhood arein agonies of competition for the captain's custom; the captain isa good-natured, kind-hearted, easy man, and, to avoid being thecause of disappointment to any, he most handsomely gives orders toall. Hampers of wine, baskets of provisions, cart-loads offurniture, boxes of jewellery, supplies of luxuries of thecostliest description, flock to the house of the Honourable CaptainFitz-Whisker Fiercy, where they are received with the utmostreadiness by the highly respectable Do'em; while the captainhimself struts and swaggers about with that compound air ofconscious superiority and general blood-thirstiness which amilitary captain should always, and does most times, wear, to theadmiration and terror of plebeian men. But the tradesmen's backsare no sooner turned, than the captain, with all the eccentricityof a mighty mind, and assisted by the faithful Do'em, whose devotedfidelity is not the least touching part of his character, disposesof everything to great advantage; for, although the articles fetchsmall sums, still they are sold considerably above cost price, thecost to the captain having been nothing at all. After variousmanoeuvres, the imposture is discovered, Fitz-Fiercy and Do'em arerecognized as confederates, and the police office to which they areboth taken is thronged with their dupes. 

Who can fail to recognize in this, the exact counterpart of thebest portion of a theatrical pantomime--Fitz-Whisker Fiercy by theclown; Do'em by the pantaloon; and supernumeraries by thetradesmen? The best of the joke, too, is, that the very coal-merchant who is loudest in his complaints against the person whodefrauded him, is the identical man who sat in the centre of thevery front row of the pit last night and laughed the mostboisterously at this very same thing, --and not so well done either. Talk of Grimaldi, we say again! Did Grimaldi, in his best days, ever do anything in this way equal to Da Costa?

The mention of this latter justly celebrated clown reminds us ofhis last piece of humour, the fraudulently obtaining certainstamped acceptances from a young gentleman in the army. We hadscarcely laid down our pen to contemplate for a few moments thisadmirable actor's performance of that exquisite practical joke, than a new branch of our subject flashed suddenly upon us. So wetake it up again at once. 

All people who have been behind the scenes, and most people whohave been before them, know, that in the representation of apantomime, a good many men are sent upon the stage for the expresspurpose of being cheated, or knocked down, or both. Now, down to amoment ago, we had never been able to understand for what possiblepurpose a great number of odd, lazy, large-headed men, whom one isin the habit of meeting here, and there, and everywhere, could everhave been created. We see it all, now. They are thesupernumeraries in the pantomime of life; the men who have beenthrust into it, with no other view than to be constantly tumblingover each other, and running their heads against all sorts ofstrange things. We sat opposite to one of these men at a supper-table, only last week. Now we think of it, he was exactly like thegentlemen with the pasteboard heads and faces, who do thecorresponding business in the theatrical pantomimes; there was thesame broad stolid simper--the same dull leaden eye--the sameunmeaning, vacant stare; and whatever was said, or whatever wasdone, he always came in at precisely the wrong place, or jostledagainst something that he had not the slightest business with. Welooked at the man across the table again and again; and could notsatisfy ourselves what race of beings to class him with. How veryodd that this never occurred to us before!

We will frankly own that we have been much troubled with theharlequin. We see harlequins of so many kinds in the real livingpantomime, that we hardly know which to select as the proper fellowof him of the theatres. At one time we were disposed to think thatthe harlequin was neither more nor less than a young man of familyand independent property, who had run away with an opera-dancer, and was fooling his life and his means away in light and trivialamusements. On reflection, however, we remembered that harlequinsare occasionally guilty of witty, and even clever acts, and we arerather disposed to acquit our young men of family and independentproperty, generally speaking, of any such misdemeanours. On a moremature consideration of the subject, we have arrived at theconclusion that the harlequins of life are just ordinary men, to befound in no particular walk or degree, on whom a certain station, or particular conjunction of circumstances, confers the magic wand. And this brings us to a few words on the pantomime of public andpolitical life, which we shall say at once, and then conclude--merely premising in this place that we decline any referencewhatever to the columbine, being in no wise satisfied of the natureof her connection with her parti-coloured lover, and not feeling byany means clear that we should be justified in introducing her tothe virtuous and respectable ladies who peruse our lucubrations. 

We take it that the commencement of a Session of Parliament isneither more nor less than the drawing up of the curtain for agrand comic pantomime, and that his Majesty's most gracious speechon the opening thereof may be not inaptly compared to the clown'sopening speech of 'Here we are!' 'My lords and gentlemen, here weare!' appears, to our mind at least, to be a very good abstract ofthe point and meaning of the propitiatory address of the ministry. When we remember how frequently this speech is made, immediatelyafter THE CHANGE too, the parallel is quite perfect, and still moresingular. 

Perhaps the cast of our political pantomime never was richer thanat this day. We are particularly strong in clowns. At no formertime, we should say, have we had such astonishing tumblers, orperformers so ready to go through the whole of their feats for theamusement of an admiring throng. Their extreme readiness toexhibit, indeed, has given rise to some ill-natured reflections; ithaving been objected that by exhibiting gratuitously through thecountry when the theatre is closed, they reduce themselves to thelevel of mountebanks, and thereby tend to degrade therespectability of the profession. Certainly Grimaldi never didthis sort of thing; and though Brown, King, and Gibson have gone tothe Surrey in vacation time, and Mr. C. J. Smith has ruralised atSadler's Wells, we find no theatrical precedent for a generaltumbling through the country, except in the gentleman, nameunknown, who threw summersets on behalf of the late Mr. Richardson, and who is no authority either, because he had never been on theregular boards. 

But, laying aside this question, which after all is a mere matterof taste, we may reflect with pride and gratification of heart onthe proficiency of our clowns as exhibited in the season. Nightafter night will they twist and tumble about, till two, three, andfour o'clock in the morning; playing the strangest antics, andgiving each other the funniest slaps on the face that can possiblybe imagined, without evincing the smallest tokens of fatigue. Thestrange noises, the confusion, the shouting and roaring, amid whichall this is done, too, would put to shame the most turbulentsixpenny gallery that ever yelled through a boxing-night. 

It is especially curious to behold one of these clowns compelled togo through the most surprising contortions by the irresistibleinfluence of the wand of office, which his leader or harlequinholds above his head. Acted upon by this wonderful charm he willbecome perfectly motionless, moving neither hand, foot, nor finger, and will even lose the faculty of speech at an instant's notice; oron the other hand, he will become all life and animation ifrequired, pouring forth a torrent of words without sense ormeaning, throwing himself into the wildest and most fantasticcontortions, and even grovelling on the earth and licking up thedust. These exhibitions are more curious than pleasing; indeed, they are rather disgusting than otherwise, except to the admirersof such things, with whom we confess we have no fellow-feeling. 

Strange tricks--very strange tricks--are also performed by theharlequin who holds for the time being the magic wand which we havejust mentioned. The mere waving it before a man's eyes willdispossess his brains of all the notions previously stored there, and fill it with an entirely new set of ideas; one gentle tap onthe back will alter the colour of a man's coat completely; andthere are some expert performers, who, having this wand held firston one side and then on the other, will change from side to side, turning their coats at every evolution, with so much rapidity anddexterity, that the quickest eye can scarcely detect their motions. Occasionally, the genius who confers the wand, wrests it from thehand of the temporary possessor, and consigns it to some newperformer; on which occasions all the characters change sides, andthen the race and the hard knocks begin anew. 

We might have extended this chapter to a much greater length--wemight have carried the comparison into the liberal professions--wemight have shown, as was in fact our original purpose, that each isin itself a little pantomime with scenes and characters of its own, complete; but, as we fear we have been quite lengthy enoughalready, we shall leave this chapter just where it is. Agentleman, not altogether unknown as a dramatic poet, wrote thus ayear or two ago -

'All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players:'

and we, tracking out his footsteps at the scarcely-worth-mentioninglittle distance of a few millions of leagues behind, venture toadd, by way of new reading, that he meant a Pantomime, and that weare all actors in The Pantomime of Life. 

SOME PARTICULARS CONCERNING A LION

We have a great respect for lions in the abstract. In common withmost other people, we have heard and read of many instances oftheir bravery and generosity. We have duly admired that heroicself-denial and charming philanthropy which prompts them never toeat people except when they are hungry, and we have been deeplyimpressed with a becoming sense of the politeness they are said todisplay towards unmarried ladies of a certain state. All naturalhistories teem with anecdotes illustrative of their excellentqualities; and one old spelling-book in particular recounts atouching instance of an old lion, of high moral dignity and sternprinciple, who felt it his imperative duty to devour a young manwho had contracted a habit of swearing, as a striking example tothe rising generation. 

All this is extremely pleasant to reflect upon, and, indeed, says avery great deal in favour of lions as a mass. We are bound tostate, however, that such individual lions as we have happened tofall in with have not put forth any very striking characteristics, and have not acted up to the chivalrous character assigned them bytheir chroniclers. We never saw a lion in what is called hisnatural state, certainly; that is to say, we have never met a lionout walking in a forest, or crouching in his lair under a tropicalsun, waiting till his dinner should happen to come by, hot from thebaker's. But we have seen some under the influence of captivity, and the pressure of misfortune; and we must say that they appearedto us very apathetic, heavy-headed fellows. 

The lion at the Zoological Gardens, for instance. He is all verywell; he has an undeniable mane, and looks very fierce; but, Lordbless us! what of that? The lions of the fashionable world lookjust as ferocious, and are the most harmless creatures breathing. A box-lobby lion or a Regent-street animal will put on a mostterrible aspect, and roar, fearfully, if you affront him; but hewill never bite, and, if you offer to attack him manfully, willfairly turn tail and sneak off. Doubtless these creatures roamabout sometimes in herds, and, if they meet any especially meek-looking and peaceably-disposed fellow, will endeavour to frightenhim; but the faintest show of a vigorous resistance is sufficientto scare them even then. These are pleasant characteristics, whereas we make it matter of distinct charge against the Zoologicallion and his brethren at the fairs, that they are sleepy, dreamy, sluggish quadrupeds. 

We do not remember to have ever seen one of them perfectly awake, except at feeding-time. In every respect we uphold the biped lionsagainst their four-footed namesakes, and we boldly challengecontroversy upon the subject. 

With these opinions it may be easily imagined that our curiosityand interest were very much excited the other day, when a lady ofour acquaintance called on us and resolutely declined to accept ourrefusal of her invitation to an evening party; 'for, ' said she, 'Ihave got a lion coming. ' We at once retracted our plea of a priorengagement, and became as anxious to go, as we had previously beento stay away. 

We went early, and posted ourselves in an eligible part of thedrawing-room, from whence we could hope to obtain a full view ofthe interesting animal. Two or three hours passed, the quadrillesbegan, the room filled; but no lion appeared. The lady of thehouse became inconsolable, --for it is one of the peculiarprivileges of these lions to make solemn appointments and neverkeep them, --when all of a sudden there came a tremendous double rapat the street-door, and the master of the house, after gliding out(unobserved as he flattered himself) to peep over the banisters, came into the room, rubbing his hands together with great glee, andcried out in a very important voice, 'My dear, Mr. --(naming thelion) has this moment arrived. '

Upon this, all eyes were turned towards the door, and we observedseveral young ladies, who had been laughing and conversingpreviously with great gaiety and good humour, grow extremely quietand sentimental; while some young gentlemen, who had been cuttinggreat figures in the facetious and small-talk way, suddenly sankvery obviously in the estimation of the company, and were lookedupon with great coldness and indifference. Even the young man whohad been ordered from the music shop to play the pianoforte wasvisibly affected, and struck several false notes in the excess ofhis excitement. 

All this time there was a great talking outside, more than onceaccompanied by a loud laugh, and a cry of 'Oh! capital! excellent!'from which we inferred that the lion was jocose, and that theseexclamations were occasioned by the transports of his keeper andour host. Nor were we deceived; for when the lion at lastappeared, we overheard his keeper, who was a little prim man, whisper to several gentlemen of his acquaintance, with upliftedhands, and every expression of half-suppressed admiration, that--(naming the lion again) was in SUCH cue to-night!

The lion was a literary one. Of course, there were a vast numberof people present who had admired his roarings, and were anxious tobe introduced to him; and very pleasant it was to see them broughtup for the purpose, and to observe the patient dignity with whichhe received all their patting and caressing. This brought forciblyto our mind what we had so often witnessed at country fairs, wherethe other lions are compelled to go through as many forms ofcourtesy as they chance to be acquainted with, just as often asadmiring parties happen to drop in upon them. 

While the lion was exhibiting in this way, his keeper was not idle, for he mingled among the crowd, and spread his praises mostindustriously. To one gentleman he whispered some very choicething that the noble animal had said in the very act of coming up-stairs, which, of course, rendered the mental effort still moreastonishing; to another he murmured a hasty account of a granddinner that had taken place the day before, where twenty-sevengentlemen had got up all at once to demand an extra cheer for thelion; and to the ladies he made sundry promises of interceding toprocure the majestic brute's sign-manual for their albums. Then, there were little private consultations in different corners, relative to the personal appearance and stature of the lion;whether he was shorter than they had expected to see him, ortaller, or thinner, or fatter, or younger, or older; whether he waslike his portrait, or unlike it; and whether the particular shadeof his eyes was black, or blue, or hazel, or green, or yellow, ormixture. At all these consultations the keeper assisted; and, inshort, the lion was the sole and single subject of discussion tillthey sat him down to whist, and then the people relapsed into theirold topics of conversation--themselves and each other. 

We must confess that we looked forward with no slight impatience tothe announcement of supper; for if you wish to see a tame lionunder particularly favourable circumstances, feeding-time is theperiod of all others to pitch upon. We were therefore very muchdelighted to observe a sensation among the guests, which we wellknew how to interpret, and immediately afterwards to behold thelion escorting the lady of the house down-stairs. We offered ourarm to an elderly female of our acquaintance, who--dear old soul!--is the very best person that ever lived, to lead down to any meal;for, be the room ever so small, or the party ever so large, she issure, by some intuitive perception of the eligible, to push andpull herself and conductor close to the best dishes on the table;--we say we offered our arm to this elderly female, and, descendingthe stairs shortly after the lion, were fortunate enough to obtaina seat nearly opposite him. 

Of course the keeper was there already. He had planted himself atprecisely that distance from his charge which afforded him a decentpretext for raising his voice, when he addressed him, to so loud akey, as could not fail to attract the attention of the wholecompany, and immediately began to apply himself seriously to thetask of bringing the lion out, and putting him through the whole ofhis manoeuvres. Such flashes of wit as he elicited from the lion!First of all, they began to make puns upon a salt-cellar, and thenupon the breast of a fowl, and then upon the trifle; but the bestjokes of all were decidedly on the lobster salad, upon which lattersubject the lion came out most vigorously, and, in the opinion ofthe most competent authorities, quite outshone himself. This is avery excellent mode of shining in society, and is founded, wehumbly conceive, upon the classic model of the dialogues betweenMr. Punch and his friend the proprietor, wherein the latter takesall the up-hill work, and is content to pioneer to the jokes andrepartees of Mr. P. Himself, who never fails to gain great creditand excite much laughter thereby. Whatever it be founded on, however, we recommend it to all lions, present and to come; for inthis instance it succeeded to admiration, and perfectly dazzled thewhole body of hearers. 

When the salt-cellar, and the fowl's breast, and the trifle, andthe lobster salad were all exhausted, and could not affordstanding-room for another solitary witticism, the keeper performedthat very dangerous feat which is still done with some of thecaravan lions, although in one instance it terminated fatally, ofputting his head in the animal's mouth, and placing himselfentirely at its mercy. Boswell frequently presents a melancholyinstance of the lamentable results of this achievement, and otherkeepers and jackals have been terribly lacerated for their daring. It is due to our lion to state, that he condescended to be trifledwith, in the most gentle manner, and finally went home with theshowman in a hack cab: perfectly peaceable, but slightly fuddled. 

Being in a contemplative mood, we were led to make some reflectionsupon the character and conduct of this genus of lions as we walkedhomewards, and we were not long in arriving at the conclusion thatour former impression in their favour was very much strengthenedand confirmed by what we had recently seen. While the other lionsreceive company and compliments in a sullen, moody, not to saysnarling manner, these appear flattered by the attentions that arepaid them; while those conceal themselves to the utmost of theirpower from the vulgar gaze, these court the popular eye, and, unlike their brethren, whom nothing short of compulsion will moveto exertion, are ever ready to display their acquirements to thewondering throng. We have known bears of undoubted ability who, when the expectations of a large audience have been wound up to theutmost pitch, have peremptorily refused to dance; well-taughtmonkeys, who have unaccountably objected to exhibit on the slackwire; and elephants of unquestioned genius, who have suddenlydeclined to turn the barrel-organ; but we never once knew or heardof a biped lion, literary or otherwise, --and we state it as a factwhich is highly creditable to the whole species, --who, occasionoffering, did not seize with avidity on any opportunity which wasafforded him, of performing to his heart's content on the firstviolin. 

MR. ROBERT BOLTON: THE 'GENTLEMAN CONNECTED WITH THE PRESS'

In the parlour of the Green Dragon, a public-house in the immediateneighbourhood of Westminster Bridge, everybody talks politics, every evening, the great political authority being Mr. RobertBolton, an individual who defines himself as 'a gentleman connectedwith the press, ' which is a definition of peculiar indefiniteness. Mr. Robert Bolton's regular circle of admirers and listeners are anundertaker, a greengrocer, a hairdresser, a baker, a large stomachsurmounted by a man's head, and placed on the top of twoparticularly short legs, and a thin man in black, name, profession, and pursuit unknown, who always sits in the same position, alwaysdisplays the same long, vacant face, and never opens his lips, surrounded as he is by most enthusiastic conversation, except topuff forth a volume of tobacco smoke, or give vent to a verysnappy, loud, and shrill HEM! The conversation sometimes turnsupon literature, Mr. Bolton being a literary character, and alwaysupon such news of the day as is exclusively possessed by thattalented individual. I found myself (of course, accidentally) inthe Green Dragon the other evening, and, being somewhat amused bythe following conversation, preserved it. 

'Can you lend me a ten-pound note till Christmas?' inquired thehairdresser of the stomach. 

'Where's your security, Mr. Clip?'

'My stock in trade, --there's enough of it, I'm thinking, Mr. Thicknesse. Some fifty wigs, two poles, half-a-dozen head blocks, and a dead Bruin. '

'No, I won't, then, ' growled out Thicknesse. 'I lends nothing onthe security of the whigs or the Poles either. As for whigs, they're cheats; as for the Poles, they've got no cash. I neverhave nothing to do with blockheads, unless I can't awoid it(ironically), and a dead bear's about as much use to me as I couldbe to a dead bear. '

'Well, then, ' urged the other, 'there's a book as belonged to Pope, Byron's Poems, valued at forty pounds, because it's got Pope'sidentical scratch on the back; what do you think of that forsecurity?'

'Well, to be sure!' cried the baker. 'But how d'ye mean, Mr. Clip?'

'Mean! why, that it's got the HOTTERGRUFF of Pope. 

"Steal not this book, for fear of hangman's rope;For it belongs to Alexander Pope. "

All that's written on the inside of the binding of the book; so, asmy son says, we're BOUND to believe it. '

'Well, sir, ' observed the undertaker, deferentially, and in a half-whisper, leaning over the table, and knocking over thehairdresser's grog as he spoke, 'that argument's very easy upset. '

'Perhaps, sir, ' said Clip, a little flurried, 'you'll pay for thefirst upset afore you thinks of another. '

'Now, ' said the undertaker, bowing amicably to the hairdresser, 'ITHINK, I says I THINK--you'll excuse me, Mr. Clip, I THINK, yousee, that won't go down with the present company--unfortunately, mymaster had the honour of making the coffin of that ere Lord'shousemaid, not no more nor twenty year ago. Don't think I'm proudon it, gentlemen; others might be; but I hate rank of any sort. I've no more respect for a Lord's footman than I have for anyrespectable tradesman in this room. I may say no more nor I havefor Mr. Clip! (bowing). Therefore, that ere Lord must have beenborn long after Pope died. And it's a logical interference todefer, that they neither of them lived at the same time. So what Imean is this here, that Pope never had no book, never seed, felt, never smelt no book (triumphantly) as belonged to that ere Lord. And, gentlemen, when I consider how patiently you have 'eared theideas what I have expressed, I feel bound, as the best way toreward you for the kindness you have exhibited, to sit down withoutsaying anything more--partickler as I perceive a worthier visitornor myself is just entered. I am not in the habit of payingcompliments, gentlemen; when I do, therefore, I hope I strikes withdouble force. '

'Ah, Mr. Murgatroyd! what's all this about striking with doubleforce?' said the object of the above remark, as he entered. 'Inever excuse a man's getting into a rage during winter, even whenhe's seated so close to the fire as you are. It is veryinjudicious to put yourself into such a perspiration. What is thecause of this extreme physical and mental excitement, sir?'

Such was the very philosophical address of Mr. Robert Bolton, ashorthand-writer, as he termed himself--a bit of equivoque passingcurrent among his fraternity, which must give the uninitiated avast idea of the establishment of the ministerial organ, while tothe initiated it signifies that no one paper can lay claim to theenjoyment of their services. Mr. Bolton was a young man, with asomewhat sickly and very dissipated expression of countenance. Hishabiliments were composed of an exquisite union of gentility, slovenliness, assumption, simplicity, NEWNESS, and old age. Halfof him was dressed for the winter, the other half for the summer. His hat was of the newest cut, the D'Orsay; his trousers had beenwhite, but the inroads of mud and ink, etc. , had given them a pie-bald appearance; round his throat he wore a very high black cravat, of the most tyrannical stiffness; while his tout ensemble washidden beneath the enormous folds of an old brown poodle-collaredgreat-coat, which was closely buttoned up to the aforesaid cravat. His fingers peeped through the ends of his black kid gloves, andtwo of the toes of each foot took a similar view of society throughthe extremities of his high-lows. Sacred to the bare walls of hisgarret be the mysteries of his interior dress! He was a short, spare man, of a somewhat inferior deportment. Everybody seemedinfluenced by his entry into the room, and his salutation of eachmember partook of the patronizing. The hairdresser made way forhim between himself and the stomach. A minute afterwards he hadtaken possession of his pint and pipe. A pause in the conversationtook place. Everybody was waiting, anxious for his firstobservation. 

'Horrid murder in Westminster this morning, ' observed Mr. Bolton. 

Everybody changed their positions. All eyes were fixed upon theman of paragraphs. 

'A baker murdered his son by boiling him in a copper, ' said Mr. Bolton. 

'Good heavens!' exclaimed everybody, in simultaneous horror. 

'Boiled him, gentlemen!' added Mr. Bolton, with the most effectiveemphasis; 'BOILED him!'

'And the particulars, Mr. B. , ' inquired the hairdresser, 'theparticulars?'

Mr. Bolton took a very long draught of porter, and some two orthree dozen whiffs of tobacco, doubtless to instil into thecommercial capacities of the company the superiority of a gentlemenconnected with the press, and then said -

'The man was a baker, gentlemen. ' (Every one looked at the bakerpresent, who stared at Bolton. ) 'His victim, being his son, alsowas necessarily the son of a baker. The wretched murderer had awife, whom he was frequently in the habit, while in an intoxicatedstate, of kicking, pummelling, flinging mugs at, knocking down, andhalf-killing while in bed, by inserting in her mouth a considerableportion of a sheet or blanket. '

The speaker took another draught, everybody looked at everybodyelse, and exclaimed, 'Horrid!'

'It appears in evidence, gentlemen, ' continued Mr. Bolton, 'that, on the evening of yesterday, Sawyer the baker came home in areprehensible state of beer. Mrs. S. , connubially considerate, carried him in that condition up-stairs into his chamber, andconsigned him to their mutual couch. In a minute or two she laysleeping beside the man whom the morrow's dawn beheld a murderer!'(Entire silence informed the reporter that his picture had attainedthe awful effect he desired. ) 'The son came home about an hourafterwards, opened the door, and went up to bed. Scarcely(gentlemen, conceive his feelings of alarm), scarcely had he takenoff his indescribables, when shrieks (to his experienced earMATERNAL shrieks) scared the silence of surrounding night. He puthis indescribables on again, and ran down-stairs. He opened thedoor of the parental bed-chamber. His father was dancing upon hismother. What must have been his feelings! In the agony of theminute he rushed at his male parent as he was about to plunge aknife into the side of his female. The mother shrieked. Thefather caught the son (who had wrested the knife from the paternalgrasp) up in his arms, carried him down-stairs, shoved him into acopper of boiling water among some linen, closed the lid, andjumped upon the top of it, in which position he was found with aferocious countenance by the mother, who arrived in the melancholywash-house just as he had so settled himself. 

'"Where's my boy?" shrieked the mother. 

'"In that copper, boiling, " coolly replied the benign father. 

'Struck by the awful intelligence, the mother rushed from thehouse, and alarmed the neighbourhood. The police entered a minuteafterwards. The father, having bolted the wash-house door, hadbolted himself. They dragged the lifeless body of the boiled bakerfrom the cauldron, and, with a promptitude commendable in men oftheir station, they immediately carried it to the station-house. Subsequently, the baker was apprehended while seated on the top ofa lamp-post in Parliament Street, lighting his pipe. '

The whole horrible ideality of the Mysteries of Udolpho, condensedinto the pithy effect of a ten-line paragraph, could not possiblyhave so affected the narrator's auditory. Silence, the purest andmost noble of all kinds of applause, bore ample testimony to thebarbarity of the baker, as well as to Bolton's knack of narration;and it was only broken after some minutes had elapsed byinterjectional expressions of the intense indignation of every manpresent. The baker wondered how a British baker could so disgracehimself and the highly honourable calling to which he belonged; andthe others indulged in a variety of wonderments connected with thesubject; among which not the least wonderment was that which wasawakened by the genius and information of Mr. Robert Bolton, who, after a glowing eulogium on himself, and his unspeakable influencewith the daily press, was proceeding, with a most solemncountenance, to hear the pros and cons of the Pope autographquestion, when I took up my hat, and left. 

FAMILIAR EPISTLE FROM A PARENT TO A CHILD AGED TWO YEARS AND TWOMONTHS

MY CHILD, To recount with what trouble I have brought you up--with what ananxious eye I have regarded your progress, --how late and how oftenI have sat up at night working for you, --and how many thousandletters I have received from, and written to your various relationsand friends, many of whom have been of a querulous and irritableturn, --to dwell on the anxiety and tenderness with which I have (asfar as I possessed the power) inspected and chosen your food;rejecting the indigestible and heavy matter which some injudiciousbut well-meaning old ladies would have had you swallow, andretaining only those light and pleasant articles which I deemedcalculated to keep you free from all gross humours, and to renderyou an agreeable child, and one who might be popular with societyin general, --to dilate on the steadiness with which I haveprevented your annoying any company by talking politics--alwaysassuring you that you would thank me for it yourself some day whenyou grew older, --to expatiate, in short, upon my own assiduity as aparent, is beside my present purpose, though I cannot butcontemplate your fair appearance--your robust health, and unimpededcirculation (which I take to be the great secret of your goodlooks) without the liveliest satisfaction and delight. 

It is a trite observation, and one which, young as you are, I haveno doubt you have often heard repeated, that we have fallen uponstrange times, and live in days of constant shiftings and changes. I had a melancholy instance of this only a week or two since. Iwas returning from Manchester to London by the Mail Train, when Isuddenly fell into another train--a mixed train--of reflection, occasioned by the dejected and disconsolate demeanour of the Post-Office Guard. We were stopping at some station where they take inwater, when he dismounted slowly from the little box in which hesits in ghastly mockery of his old condition with pistol andblunderbuss beside him, ready to shoot the first highwayman (orrailwayman) who shall attempt to stop the horses, which now travel(when they travel at all) INSIDE and in a portable stable inventedfor the purpose, --he dismounted, I say, slowly and sadly, from hispost, and looking mournfully about him as if in dismal recollectionof the old roadside public-house the blazing fire--the glass offoaming ale--the buxom handmaid and admiring hangers-on of tap-roomand stable, all honoured by his notice; and, retiring a littleapart, stood leaning against a signal-post, surveying the enginewith a look of combined affliction and disgust which no words candescribe. His scarlet coat and golden lace were tarnished withignoble smoke; flakes of soot had fallen on his bright green shawl--his pride in days of yore--the steam condensed in the tunnel fromwhich we had just emerged, shone upon his hat like rain. His eyebetokened that he was thinking of the coachman; and as it wanderedto his own seat and his own fast-fading garb, it was plain to seethat he felt his office and himself had alike no business there, and were nothing but an elaborate practical joke. 

As we whirled away, I was led insensibly into an anticipation ofthose days to come, when mail-coach guards shall no longer bejudges of horse-flesh--when a mail-coach guard shall never evenhave seen a horse--when stations shall have superseded stables, andcorn shall have given place to coke. 'In those dawning times, 'thought I, 'exhibition-rooms shall teem with portraits of HerMajesty's favourite engine, with boilers after Nature by futureLandseers. Some Amburgh, yet unborn, shall break wild horses byhis magic power; and in the dress of a mail-coach guard exhibit hisTRAINED ANIMALS in a mock mail-coach. Then, shall wondering crowdsobserve how that, with the exception of his whip, it is all hiseye; and crowned heads shall see them fed on oats, and stand aloneunmoved and undismayed, while counters flee affrighted when thecoursers neigh!'

Such, my child, were the reflections from which I was only awakenedthen, as I am now, by the necessity of attending to matters ofpresent though minor importance. I offer no apology to you for thedigression, for it brings me very naturally to the subject ofchange, which is the very subject of which I desire to treat. 

In fact, my child, you have changed hands. Henceforth I resign youto the guardianship and protection of one of my most intimate andvalued friends, Mr. Ainsworth, with whom, and with you, my bestwishes and warmest feelings will ever remain. I reap no gain orprofit by parting from you, nor will any conveyance of yourproperty be required, for, in this respect, you have always beenliterally 'Bentley's' Miscellany, and never mine. 

Unlike the driver of the old Manchester mail, I regard this alteredstate of things with feelings of unmingled pleasure andsatisfaction. 

Unlike the guard of the new Manchester mail, YOUR guard is at homein his new place, and has roystering highwaymen and gallantdesperadoes ever within call. And if I might compare you, mychild, to an engine; (not a Tory engine, nor a Whig engine, but abrisk and rapid locomotive;) your friends and patrons topassengers; and he who now stands towards you in loco parentis asthe skilful engineer and supervisor of the whole, I would humblycrave leave to postpone the departure of the train on its new andauspicious course for one brief instant, while, with hat in hand, Iapproach side by side with the friend who travelled with me on theold road, and presume to solicit favour and kindness in behalf ofhim and his new charge, both for their sakes and that of the oldcoachman, Boz.