MORE TOASTS

Jokes, Stories and Quotations

Compiled by

MARION DIX MOSHERLibrarian, Genesee Branch, Rochester (N. Y. ) Public Library

New YorkThe H. W. Wilson CompanyLondon: Grafton & Co. 

1922

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BOOKS OF JOKES, STORIESAND QUOTATIONS

TOASTER'S HANDBOOK. Peggy Edmond andHarold Workman Williams. 501p. $1. 80

MORE TOASTS. Marion D. Mosher. 552p. $1. 80

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CONTENTS

 PREFACE

 INTRODUCTION The Divine Gift of Humor The Function of Humor Importance of Humor

 MORE TOASTS

 INDEX

PREFACE

The success of the Toaster's Handbook has encouraged its publishers tocompile another that will supplement it and bring it up-to-date. Newsubjects keep coming to the front, and the up-to-date toaster needsup-to-date stories to fit the up-to-date subjects. No public occasionof today is complete without its joke on the nineteenth amendment, theallied debts, the income tax, etc. 

In offering the toasts, jokes, quotations and stories in thissecond volume, the editor has endeavored to bring further aid to thedistracted toastmaster, to the professional after-dinner speaker whomust change his stories often, and to individuals inexperienced inpublic speaking and so unfortunate as to have public addresses forcedupon them. He views the product with much the same feeling as didAlexander Pope, who said, "O'er his books his eyes began to roll, inpleasing memory of all he stole. "

Paolo Bellezze expressed the same feelings in the introduction to hiswork "Humor" when he said "Of this work of mine, I must confess it isa great lot of stuff gathered from everywhere except from my brain. . . . It is a necklace of pearls strung upon a slender cord; that, I haveput there; the pearls have been furnished me by the most famousjewelers, native and foreign. This said, I can--without being accusedof pride--recommend it to my respectable customers as an article ofgreat value and of absolute novelty. "

In making this collection, files of such magazines as Life, Judge, Puck and Punch were drawn on extensively; also magazines havinghumorous pages or columns, such as the Literary Digest, Ladies' HomeJournal, Everybody's, Harper's; also Bindery Talk and various otherhouse organs. According to Samuel Johnson "A man will turn over halfa library to make one book, " and the compiler of this one makes humbleacknowledgment to a whole library of books and periodicals where mostof these jokes have already appeared. It has been impossible to givecredit unless the place of first publication was definitely known. 

The compiling of "More Toasts" was in large measure cooperative. Thetest of the humor of a story or joke is in its efficacy when appliedto normal people under ordinary circumstances. With this philosophy inmind the editor made it a rule to include nothing until it had firstbeen "tried on the dog. " The original material was first graded intothree classes and, before being accepted, each joke had to stand thetest of appealing to the sense of humor of several persons. The resultis a collection of very carefully selected jokes and stories, onlyabout fifty per cent of the material originally chosen being used. If any over-critical reader fails to find them humorous, may not thefault possibly be due to his own imperfect sense of humor?

There is also much truth in the statement that the point of a jestlies in the telling of it and often much of the subtle humor is lostin the reading. The personality of the speaker is a necessary factorand is frequently more important in the effect produced by the storythan the story itself. Elbert Hubbard once said "Next in importance tothe man who first voices a great thought is the man who quotes it. "

The clever compiler, like a good chef, must not only know what toselect but in what order to present it. Knowledge consists in beingable to find a thing when you want it and accordingly an attempt hasbeen made to pigeonhole each joke where it would be most useful. Sucha classification is at best a difficult and debatable question, andnumerous cross references have been placed wherever it was thoughtthey might direct the reader to the subject wanted. 

With these few explanatory words, the editor presents this littlevolume, sincerely hoping that it may prove a friend in need to all whoseek the relaxation of humor, and a lifesaver to that legion ofhumble men whose knees tremble when the chairman speaks those fatefulwords--"The next speaker of the evening. . . . "

M. D. M. 

November, 1922. 

INTRODUCTION

What can be more fitting than that a compiled book should have acompiled introduction? Why should one with great pains and poorprospects of success attempt to do what has already been well done?Knowing that all readers of this book have a sense of humor and thatthey will approve our decision we begin with a quotation from anarticle[1] by Mr. E. Lyttelton. 

[Footnote 1: The Nineteenth Century. July, 1922. ]

 The Divine Gift of Humor

 The subject of humor has an attraction peculiarly its own, because it deals with a mystery which yet is pleasantly interwoven with the daily life of each one of us. We often say of one of our neighbors that he has no sense of humour. But he often laughs; he never spends a day without at least trying to laugh, tho it remains but an attempt, an effort, an aspiration after something which he seems to have lost but wishes to recover. Either, that is, he remains grave when others laugh, or he laughs, as Horace says, "with alien jaws, " by constraint rather than because he cannot help it. He has a confused idea that it is expected of him. Such laughter is apparently the outcome of an uneasy sense of duty, a dismal travesty of the real thing. . . . 

 Certainly humour is a singularly elusive thing, and I doubt if anyone alive can explain it; but its elusiveness gives it something of its charm; and, moreover, the illustrations which are necessary to an inquiry into its nature, its scope and meaning, are apt to be amusing without being irrelevant. 

 Humour has often been roughly described as a sense of the incongruous. More satisfying, however, is the following, which has been ascribed to Dean Inge: It is a sense of incongruous emotions. As soon as we think of the emotions being stirred we see that the strange difference between humourous and unhumourous people is not an intellectual matter, but follows the general law of emotional susceptibility, viz. , that it is independent of the reason and varies within wide limits with each individual, and obviously with each nationality. Moreover, it appears that, as it is compounded of two emotions, one man may feel one of the emotions but be dull to the other, according to his temperament. It is a matter of sensitiveness, and in sensitiveness no two of us are alike. 

 Crudely judged, then, humour may be described as a blessing of nature bestowed on all, but in widely varying measure, so that in the case of some of our acquaintance we deplore its non-existence, but never in ourselves. Nobody really believes that he is wholly without it, partly because, in proportion as the sense is really defective, the defect must be in its own nature unperceived, but also because the gift is so precious, so winsome, that no one could bear to believe that it has been denied him. By a merciful law of nature, the delusion is unsuspected, for assuredly, if any wholly unhumorous person once realised the full extent of his privation, nothing could save him from "wretchlessness" and despair. 

 I prefer to believe that, like the sense of beauty, the love of music, the thrill of admiration for uncalculating heroism, we have here a wondrous aid to us in our life's pilgrimage, but that if we trace it to a sense of our self-interest, we not only vulgarize it, but we turn it into a caricature. For there is in humour this singular property; its aroma is so subtle, delicate and undefinable that the effort to buttress it upon coarse, common utility is doomed to fail, and in the mere attempt humour vanishes. There is something deliciously contagious about laughter that is quite sincere and unthinking; whereas the only people who contrive to be always absurd, but never amusing, are those who laugh from a sense of duty. 

 Humour, then, in the young is restricted in scope, their experience of life being small; in women it is quicker than in men, but shallower; in the Scotch it is reticent, in the Irish voluble and refined, but cold. But wherever it is found free from counterfeit, wholesome and contagious, it is the offspring of man's heaven-bestowed power of seeing in the meannesses of earth the true presence of the Divine. 

Darwin says the causes of humor are legion and exceedingly complex andvarious disquisitions upon humor and laughter would seem to supporthim. Its social nature is emphasized by Edwin Paxton Hood:

 The sources of all laughter and merriment are in the cordial sympathies of our nature. Laughter is very nearly related to the highest and most instinctive wisdom; it stands at no distant remove from Judgment on the one hand, and Imagination on the other; and it is a proof of a healthy nature, for both thinking and acting. 

C. S. Evans in his article "On Humor in Literature" gives a hint of theevolutionary process of its mechanism and its higher refinement:

 On the lower plane of humor you get a laugh by the most unimaginative means--merely conceive a recognized humorous situation, or bring several things together according to a recipe, and the thing is done. Every practised comedian, in literature or on the stage, is an adept at it. But the creation of character, the expression--in terms of the words and actions of men and women--of that "social gesture" which is laughter's source, is a much greater thing, for there we touch the symbolism which is the soul of art. 

The Function of Humor

In an article entitled "Why Do We Laugh?" William McDougall discussesscientifically the value of laughter:

 Laughter of man presents a problem with which philosophers have wrestled in all ages with little success. Man is the only animal that laughs. And, if laughter may properly be called an instinctive reaction, the instinct of laughter is the only one peculiar to the human species. . . . 

 We are saved from this multitude of small sympathetic pains and depressions by laughter, which, as we have seen, breaks up our train of mental activity and prevents our dwelling upon the distressing situation, and which also provides an antidote to the depressing influence in the form of physiological stimulation that raises the blood-pressure and promotes the circulation of the blood. This, then, is the biological function of laughter, one of the most delicate and beautiful of all nature's adjustments. In order that man should reap the full benefits of life in the social group, it was necessary that his primitive sympathetic tendencies should be strong and delicately adjusted. For without this, there could be little mutual understanding, and only imperfect cooperation and mutual aid in the more serious difficulties and embarrassments of life. But, in endowing man with delicately responsive sympathetic tendencies, nature rendered him liable to suffer a thousand pains and depressions upon a thousand occasions of mishap to his fellows, occasions so trivial as to call for no effort of support or assistance. Here was a dilemma--whether to leave man so little sympathetic that he would be incapable of effective social life; or to render him effectively sympathetic and leave him subject to the perpetually renewed pains of sympathy, which, if not counteracted, would seriously depress his vitality and perhaps destroy the species. Nature, confronted with this problem, solved it by the invention of laughter. She endowed man with the instinct to laugh on contemplation of these minor mishaps of his fellow men; and so made them occasions of actual benefit to the beholder; all those things which, apart from laughter, would have been mildly displeasing and depressing, became objects and occasions of stimulating beneficial laughter. . . . 

 For laughter is no exception to the law of primitive sympathy; but rather illustrates it most clearly and familiarly; the infectiousness of laughter is notorious and as irresistible as the infection of fear itself. . . . The great laugher is the person of delicately responsive sympathetic reactions; and his laughter quickly gives place to pity and comforting support, if our misfortune waxes more severe. Such persons are in little danger of giving offense by their laughter; for we detect their ready sympathy and easily laugh with them; they teach us to be humorous. 

H. Merian Allen in his essay "Little Laughs in History" says "Therelaxation of a full laugh clears the brain, restores fit contactwith one's fellows, and so smoothes the way for the solving of knottyproblems. "

Linus W. Kline, Ph. D. , further elucidates the psychical office ofhumor as follows:

 The psychical function of humor is to delicately cut the surface tension of consciousness and disarrange its structure that it may begin again from a new and strengthened base. It permits our mental forces to reform under cover, as it were, while the battle is still on. Then, too, it clarifies the field and reveals the strategetic points, or, to change the figure, it pulls off the mask and exposes the real man. No stimulus, perhaps more mercifully and effectually breaks the surface tension of consciousness, thereby conditioning the mind for a stronger forward movement, than that of humor. It is the one universal dispensary for human kind: a medicine for the poor, a tonic for the rich, a recreation for the fatigued and a beneficient check to the strenuous. It acts as a shield to the reformer, as an entering wedge to the recluse and as a decoy for barter and trade. 

Humor is as necessary to our mental and spiritual life as are vitaminsto our physical well-being. Ruskin has called our attention to thetendency of rivers to lean a little to one side, to have "One shinglyshore upon which they can be shallow and foolish and childlike, andanother steep shore under which they can pause and purify themselvesand get their strength of waves fully together for due occasions, " andhas likened them to great men who must have one side of their lifefor work and another for play. Action and reaction must be balanced:seriousness and lightness. "Men who work prodigously must play withequal energy, " says one commentator. "Humor is the gift of the deeplyserious man, " remarks another. "There have been very few solemn men, but their solemnity was evidence, not of their gifts, but of theirdefects; as a rule greatness is accompanied by the overflow of thefountain of life in play. " "The richly furnished mind overflowswith vitality and deals with ideas and life freely, daringly, oftenaudaciously. "

The function of the catalyst in chemical reactions is to help otherbodies to get on together, but in doing this it only lends itspresence. 

 CATALYST. A chemical body which by its presence, is capable of inducing chemical changes in other bodies while itself remaining unchanged. 

In quite the same way humor, by its mere presence, serves to smooththe way in all human relations. It contributes a socializing touch. "Humor makes the whole world akin. "

Importance of Humor

Not only the toastmaster needs to have a sense of humor and acollection of funny stories, and not only the preacher, the publicspeaker and entertainer, but everyone, as well, who must influenceothers. The "voice with a smile" wins because behind the voice is asense of humor. We have more confidence in those who have a senseof humor. The following is quoted from a persuasive advertisemententitled "The Gentle Art of Telling a Humorous Story Well":

 The most successful men and women are those who know how to get along with their fellow-beings, who know how to win and hold good will. In fact, the biggest problem in business and society today is the human problem, the problem of making people like you and making people feel kindly towards each other. 

 And nothing oils the wheels of human relationship so nicely as humor. Abraham Lincoln understood this when he saved many a critical situation by the introduction of one of his famous anecdotes. Humor has its place in serious business life, and in social life it is the universal passport to popularity. 

The importance of humor in our daily life, often emphasized byscientists and philosophers, has been well summarized by JustinMcCarthy in an article "Humor as an Element of Success":

 I am strongly of the opinion that the quick and abiding sense of humour is a great element of success in every department of life. I do not speak merely of success in the more strictly artistic fields of human work, but am willing to maintain that even in the prosaic and practical concerns of human existence, the sense of humour is an exciting and sustaining influence to carry a man successfully thru to the full development of his capacity and the attainment of his purpose. . . . 

 In the stories of great events and great enterprises we are constantly told of some heaven-born leader who kept alive, thru the most trying hours of what otherwise might have been utter and enfeebling depression, the energies, the courage and the hope of his comrades and his followers. 

During thousands of years nature has developed in the human body many"safety first" signal systems. For example, when the body becomeschilled this signal system causes us to shiver and tickles the throatmaking us cough and in this way thru exercise stimulates the bloodcirculation. 

Perhaps in ages to come nature will find a way to tickle our senseof humor when we are angry, discouraged, or otherwise mentallydiscomfitted and will thus help us thru laughter to throw off the soulchill and to regain spiritual poise. 

MORE TOASTS

ABSENT-MINDEDNESS

This story is told of an absent-minded professor at Drew TheologicalSeminary. One evening while studying he had need of a book-mark. Seeing nothing else handy, he used his wife's scissors, which lay onthe sewing-table. A few minutes later the wife wanted the scissors, but a diligent search failed to reveal them. 

The next day the professor appeared before his class and opened hisbook. There lay the scissors. He picked them up and, holding themabove his head, shouted:

"Here they are, dear!"

Yes, the class got it. 

Deep in a ponderous calculation, the professor leaned over his desk. One hand held his massive brow; the other guided the pencil. 

Suddenly the library door was flung open, and a nurse entered, smilingbroadly. 

"There's a little stranger upstairs, professor, " she announced, ofcourse referring to the very latest arrival. 

"Eh?" grunted the man of learning, poring deeply over his problem. 

"It's a little boy, " remarked the nurse, still smiling. 

"Little boy, " mused the professor. "Little boy-eh? Well ask him whathe wants. "

A story is current concerning a professor who is reputed to beslightly absent-minded. The learned man had arranged to escort hiswife one evening to the theater. "I don't like the tie you have on. Iwish you would go up and put on another, " said his wife. 

The professor tranquilly obeyed. Moment after moment elapsed, untilfinally the impatient wife went upstairs to learn the cause of thedelay. In his room she found her husband undressed and getting intobed. 

"How will you have your roast beef?" asked the waiter. 

"Well done, good and faithful servant, " murmured the clerical-lookingdiner absent-mindedly. 

_See also_ Habit; Memory. 

ACCIDENTS

Hearing a crash of glassware one morning, Mrs. Blank called to hermaid in the adjoining room, "Norah, what on earth are you doing?"

"I ain't doin' nothin', mum, " replied Norah; "it's done. "

A big Irishman, while carrying a ladder through a crowded streethad the misfortune to break a plate-glass window in a store. Heimmediately dropped his ladder and broke into a run, but he had beenseen by the shopkeeper, who dashed after him in company with severalsalesmen, and was soon caught. 

"Here you big loafer!" shouted the angry shopkeeper, when he hadregained his breath. "You have broken my window!"

"I sure have, " admitted the Celt, "and didn't you see me running hometo get the money to pay for it?"

 There was a man who fancied that by driving good and fast He'd get his car across the track before the train came past; He'd miss the engine by an inch, and make the train-hands sore. There was a man who fancied this; there isn't any more. 

ACCURACY

In one of the industrial towns in South Wales a workman met with aserious accident. The doctor was sent for, and came and examinedhim, had him bandaged and carried home on a stretcher, seeminglyunconscious. 

After he was put to bed the doctor told his wife to give himsixpennyworth of brandy when he came to himself. After the doctor hadleft the wife told the daughter to run and fetch threepennyworth ofbrandy for her father. 

The old chap opened his eyes and said, in a loud voice: "Sixpenn'orth, the doctor said. "

An editor had a notice stuck up above his desk on which was printed:"Accuracy! Accuracy! Accuracy!" and this notice he always pointed outto the new reporters. 

One day the youngest member of the staff came in with his report of apublic meeting. The editor read it through and came to the sentence:"Three thousand nine hundred ninety-nine eyes were fixed upon thespeaker. "

"What do you mean by making a silly blunder like that?" he demanded, wrathfully. 

"But it's not a blunder, " protested the youngster. "There was aone-eyed man in the audience!"

ACTORS AND ACTRESSES

FIRST ACTRESS (behind the scenes)--"Did you hear the way the publicwept during my death scene?"

SECOND ACTRESS--"Yes, it must have been because they realized that itwas only acted!"

"These love scenes are rotten. Can't the leading man act as if he werein love with the star?"

"Can't act at all, " said the director. "Trouble is, he is in love withher. "

The teacher was giving the class a natural history lecture onAustralia. "There is one animal, " she said, "none of you havementioned. It does not stand up on its legs all the time. It does notwalk like other animals, but takes funny little skips. What is it?"And the class yelled with one voice, "Charlie Chaplin!"

Eight-year-old Robert had been ill for nearly a month with tonsilitis, and nothing kept him contented but pictures of his favorite, CharlieChaplin, clipped from the pages of the motion-picture pictorials. 

One morning, as his mother sat beside his bed, he studied earnestly afull-page drawing of the million-dollar comedian. 

"Mother, " he asked, "will Charlie Chaplin go to heaven?"

"Why, yes--I hope so, " answered the somewhat astonished parent. 

"Gee! won't the Lord have some fun then!" was Robert's comment. 

Sweeping his long hair back with an impressive gesture the visitorfaced the proprietor of the film studio. "I would like to secure aplace in your moving-picture company, " he said. 

"You are an actor?" asked the film man. 

"Yes. "

"Had any experience acting without audiences?"

A flicker of sadness shone in the visitor's eyes as he replied:

"Acting without audiences is what brought me here!"

It was a death-bed scene, but the director was not satisfied with thehero's acting. 

"Come on!" he cried. "Put more life in your dying!"

"Pa, what's an actor?"

"An actor, my boy, is a person who can walk to the side of a stage, peer into the wings at a group of other actors waiting for their cues, a number of bored stage hands and a lot of theatrical odds and endsand exclaim, 'What a lovely view there is from this window!'"

"There were two actresses in an early play of mine, " said an author, "both very beautiful; but the leading actress was thin. She quarreledone day at rehearsal with the other lady, and she ended the quarrel bysaying, haughtily: 'Remember, please, that I am the star. '

"'Yes, I know you're the star, ' the other retorted, eyeing with anamused smile the leading actress's long, slim figure, 'but you'd lookbetter, my dear, if you were a little meteor!'"

INTERVIEWER--"What is your wife's favorite dish?"

HUSBAND OF FAMOUS MOVIE ACTRESS--"In the magazines it is peach-bloomfudge-cake with orangewisp salad, but at home it is tripe andcabbage. "--_Puck_. 

The actress stood before her mirror, in doublet and hose, and regardedher thin legs anxiously. 

"I'm not exactly a poem, " said she, "but I may pass for heroic verse. "

ADVERTISING

_The Question is How Much More?_

TO RENT--In private home, a large, handsomely furnished front room;also a medium-sized one; every convenience; centrally and verychoicely located; rent more than reasonable. Address, etc. --

Advertising is the test of integrity; the proof of integrity;that transmits an ever-increasing confidence to both producer andpurchaser. 

"I won't pay one cent for my advertising this week, " declared thestore-keeper angrily to the editor of the country paper. "You told meyou'd put the notice of my shoe-polish in with the reading-matter. "

"And didn't I do it?" inquired the editor. 

"No, sir!" roared the advertiser. "No, sir, you did not! You put it inthe column with a mess of poetry, that's where you put it!"

"Paw, what is an advertisement?"

"An advertisement is the picture of a pretty girl eating, wearing, holding or driving something that somebody wants to sell. "

A violinist was bitterly disappointed with the account of his recitalprinted in the paper of a small town. 

"I told your man three or four times, " complained the musician tothe owner of the paper, "that the instrument I used was a genuineStradivarius, and in his story there was not a word about it, not aword. "

Whereupon the owner said with a laugh:

"That is as it should be. When Mr. Stradivarius gets his fiddlesadvertised in my paper under ten cents a line, you come around and letme know. "

"Oh, we called about the flat advertised. "

"Well, I did mean to let it, but since I've read the house-agent'sdescription of it, I really feel I can't part with it. "

CLASSIFIED AD MANAGER--"Your advertisement begins: 'Wanted: SilentPartner. '"

ADVERTISER--"Yes, that's right. "

CLASSIFIED AD MANAGER--"Do you want this placed under BusinessOpportunities or Matrimony?"

"Say, Jim, " said the friend of the taxicab-driver, standing in frontof the vehicle, "there's a purse lying on the floor of your car. "

The driver looked carefully around and then whispered: "Sometimes whenbusiness is bad I put it there and leave the door open. It's empty, but you've no idea how many people'll jump in for a short drive whenthey see it. "

Recently the L. P. Ross Shoe Company inserted an advertisement in aRochester paper for vampers and closers-up. Among the answers receivedwas one from a young lady who signed herself Miss Mabelle Jones andgave her address as General Delivery, Rochester. The letter said inpart:

"_Gentlemen_: I have seen your ad for vampires and close-ups and Iwould like the job. I have been studying to vamp for several years andhave been practising eye work for a long while. My gentlemen friendstell me that I have the other movie vamps backed off the map. Ihave made a particular study of Theda Bara. I don't know much aboutclose-ups, but suppose I could learn. I have a good form, swell browneyes, and a fine complexion. "

"If you would like, I will call and show you what I can do. I havebeen looking for a vampire job, but never saw no ads in the papersbefore. " "Yours, " "MABELLE JONES. "

"P. S. --Do you furnish clothes for your vampires? I have just come toRochester and so I haven't got many clothes. "--_Rochester Herald_. 

 _His Little Ad_

 There was a man in our town And he was wondrous wise; He swore (it was his policy) He would not advertise. But one day he did advertise, And thereby hangs a tail, The "ad" was set in quite small type, And headed "Sheriff's Sale. "

Burton Holmes, the lecturer, had an interesting experience, while inLondon. He told some Washington friends a day or two ago that when hevisited the theater where he was to deliver his travelogue he decidedthat the entrance to the theater was rather dingy and that thereshould be more display of his attraction. 

Accordingly, he suggested to the manager of the house that the frontbe brightened up at night by electrical signs, one row of lightsspelling his name "Burton" and another row of lights spelling the name"Holmes. "

The manager told him it was too much of an innovation for him toauthorize and referred him to the owner of the theater. Mr. Holmestraveled several hours into the country to consult with the owner, who referred him to his agent in the city. The agent in turn sent Mr. Holmes to the janitor of the theater. 

"I talked with the janitor and explained my plan to him for about anhour, " Mr. Holmes said. "Finally, after we had gone into every detailof the cost and everything else, the janitor told me that the theaterwas a very exclusive and high class theater, and that he would not putup the sign. I asked him why?"

"Because it would attract too much attention to the theater, " thejanitor replied. 

"What's your time?" asked the old farmer of the brisk salesman. "Twenty minutes after five. What can I do for you?" "I want thempants, " said the old farmer, leading the way to the window andpointing to a ticket marked, "Given away at 5. 20. "

_See also_ Authorship; Beauty, Personal; Salesmen and salesmanship. 

ADVICE

The most unfair person is the one who asks you for advice and doesn'tlet you know what advice he wants. 

Another thing that we sometimes take when nobody's looking is advice. 

It is a good divine that follows his own instructions: I can easierteach twenty what were good to be done, than be one of the twenty tofollow mine own teaching. --_Shakespeare_. 

Advice is the most worthless commodity in the world. Those who mightprofit by it don't need it, and those who do need it won't profit byit--if they could, they wouldn't need it. 

 How often have my kindly friends, (When Fate has dealt me some shrewd blow), Recalling random odds and ends Of counsel, cried: "I told you so!"

 But when 'twas I who warned, and they Who heeded not, and came to woe, I wonder why they'd never say: "That's right, old chap, you told me so!"

AFTER DINNER SPEECHES

 _Recipe for an After-dinner Speech_

 Three long breaths. Compliment to the audience. Funny Story. Outline of what speaker is _not_ going to say. Points that he will touch on later. Two Bartlett's Familiar Quotations. Outline of what speaker _is_ going to say. Points that he has not time to touch on now. Reference to what he said first. Funny Story. Compliment to the audience. Ditto to our City, State and Country. Applause. 

N. B. For an oration, use same formula, repeating each sentence threetimes in slightly different words. --_Mary Eleanor Roberts_. 

"You wrote this report of last night's banquet, did you?" asked theeditor with the copy in his hand. 

"Yes, sir, " replied the reporter. 

"And this expression, 'The banquet-table groaned'--do you think thatis proper?"

"Oh, yes, sir. The funny stories the after-dinner speakers told wouldmake any table groan. "

_See also_ Politicians; Public speakers. 

AGE

HE--"How old are you?"

SHE--"I've just turned twenty-three. "

HE--"Oh, I see--thirty-two. "

A judge asked a woman her age. 

"Thirty, " she replied. 

"You've given that age in this court for the last three years. "

"Yes. I'm not one of those who says one thing today and another thingtomorrow. "

"Willie, " said his mother. "I wish you would run across the street andsee how old Mrs. Brown is this morning. "

"Yes'm, " replied Willie, and a few minutes later he returned andreported:

"Mrs. Brown says it's none of your business how old she is. "

"Well, auntie, have you got your photographs yet?"

"Yes, and I sent them back in disgust. "

"Gracious! How was that?"

"Why, on the back of every photo was written this, 'The original ofthis is carefully preserved. '"

Answering the question, "When is a woman old?" a famous tragediennewrote: "The conceited never; the unhappy too soon, and the wise at theright time. "

When saving for your old age, don't neglect to lay up a few pleasantthoughts. 

"To what do you attribute your long life, Uncle Mose?" asked anewspaper interviewer of a colored centenarian. 

"Becuz Ah was bo'n a long time back, " the old gentleman replied. 

MURIEL--"I don't intend to be married until after I'm thirty. "

MABEL--"And I don't intend to be thirty until after I'mmarried!"--_Life_. 

 My first gray hair! I never knew that you were there, Nor least expected you would come so soon-- But you are there; From whence you came or where I know not, but I care. 

 You make me stop and wonder Why I find you there to-night, Is it some worry or some fright That leaves you colorless, and oh, so white? You'll not be seen, oh, no, not yet. On that your fondest curls you bet, For just as long as you are there I'll hide you very neatly--there! And none will wonder--only I, at you-- My first gray hair. 

 --_Wells Hawks_. 

One great advantage of really being old is that one is beyond beingtold he is getting old. 

_Twenty-One Plus_

FIRST SUFFRAGIST--"How old do you think Mabel is?"

SECOND SUFFRAGIST--"Well, I should say she had lost about seventeenvotes. "

A maiden lady of uncertain age became very indignant when the censustaker asked how old she was. "Did you see the girls next door, " sheasked--"The Hill twins?"

"Certainly, " replied the census man. 

"And did they tell you their age?"

"Yes. "

"Well, " she snapped, "I'm just as old as they are. "

"Oh, very well, " said the census man; and he wrote in his book, "SarahStokes, as old as the Hills. "

 I remember, I remember, The fir trees dark and high; I used to think their slender tops Were close against the sky; It was a childish ignorance, But now 'tis little joy To know I'm farther off from heaven Than when I was a boy. 

PHYSICIAN--"Tell your wife not to worry about that slight deafness, asit is merely an indication of advancing years. "

MR. MEEK--"Doctor would you mind telling her yourself?"

"Ma, is Mr. Jones an awfully old man?"

"No, dear, I don't believe so. What makes you ask?"

"Well, I think he must be, because I heard Pa say last night that Mr. Jones raised his ante. "

AGRICULTURE

"Crop failures?" asked the old timer. 

"Yes, I've seen a few in my day. In 1854 the corn crop was almostnothing. We cooked some for dinner, and my father ate fourteen acresof corn at one meal!"--_Life_. 

_See also_ Farming; Laws. 

ALARM CLOCKS

 To-day I bought an alarm-clock, It has a very loud ring. I think I will call it the Star-Spangled Banner, For every time I hear it I have to get up. 

A Swede was working for a farmer, who demanded punctuality aboveeverything else. The farmer told him that he must be at work everymorning at 4 o'clock sharp. The "hand" failed to get up in time, andthe farmer threatened to discharge him. Then the "hand" bought analarm-clock, and for some time everything went along smoothly. Butone morning he got to the field fifteen minutes late. The farmerimmediately discharged him, in spite of his protestations that hisalarm-clock was to blame. 

Sadly returning to his room, the discharged employee determined tofind out the cause of his downfall. He took the alarm-clock to pieces, and discovered a dead cockroach among the works. 

"Well, " he soliloquized, "Ay tank it bane no wonder the clock wouldn'trun--the engineer bane daid. "

"I heard something this morning that opened my eyes. "

"So did I--an alarm clock. "

"Have you any alarm-clocks?" inquired the customer. "What I want isone that will arouse the girl without waking the whole family. "

"I don't know of any such alarm-clock as that, madam, " said the manbehind the counter; "we keep just the ordinary kind--the kind thatwill wake the whole family without disturbing the girl. "

_See also_ Philadelphia; Tardiness. 

ALIBI

TEACHER--"What is an alibi?"

BRIGHT Boy--"Being somewhere where you ain't. "

ALIMONY

_Or Go to Jail_

"Is there any way a man can avoid paying alimony?" asked the Friendwho was seeking free advice. 

"Sure, " replied the Lawyer. "He can stay single or stay married. "

ALPHABET

MOTHER (who is teaching her child the alphabet)--"Now, dearie, whatcomes after 'g'?"

THE CHILD--"Whiz!"--_Judge_. 

ALTERNATIVES

_See_ Choices. 

AMBITION

Every normal man has two great ambitions. First, to own his home. Second, to own a car to get away from his home. 

Ambition makes the same mistake concerning power that avarice makesconcerning wealth. She begins by accumulating power as a means tohappiness, and she finishes by continuing to accumulate it as anend. --_Colton_. 

To wish is of little account; to succeed thou must earnestly desire;and this desire must shorten thy sleep. --_Ovid_. 

The noblest spirit is most strongly attracted by the love ofglory. --_Cicero_. 

When once ambition has passed its natural limits, its progress isboundless. --_Seneca_. 

AMERICANS

A French magazine claims to have discovered in a New York paper anadvertisement to this effect: "A gentleman who has lost his right legis desirous of making the acquaintance of some one who has lost hisleft leg, in order to become associated with him in the purchaseof boots and shoes, size 8. " The very observant French editor verypolitely comments: "An American may occasionally lose a leg, but henever loses his head. "

"That's the Goddess of Liberty, " explained the New Yorker. "Fineattitude, eh?"

"Yes, and typically American, " replied the Western visitor. "Hangingto a strap. "

"William, " asked the teacher of a rosy-faced lad, "can you tell me whoGeorge Washington was?"

"Yes, ma'am, " was the quick reply. "He was an American gen'ral. "

"Quite right, " replied the teacher. "And can you tell us what GeorgeWashington was remarkable for?"

"Yes, ma'am, " replied the little boy. "He was remarkable because hewas an American and told the truth. "

A party of tourists were looking at Vesuvius in full eruption. "Ain'tthis just like hell!" exclaimed an American. "Ah, the Americans, " saida Frenchman standing by, "Where have they not been?"

AMUSEMENTS

It was a sweet, sad play, and there was hardly a dry handkerchief inthe house. But one man in the first balcony irritated his neighborsexcessively by refusing to take the performance in the proper spirit. Instead of weeping, he laughed. While others were mopping their eyesand endeavoring to stifle their sobs, his face beamed with merrimentand he burst into inappropriate guffaws. 

At last a lady by his side turned upon him indignantly. 

"I d-don't know what brought y-you here, " she sobbed, with streamingeyes, and pressing her hand against her aching heart; "but if y-youdon't like the p-play you might l-let other p-people enjoy it!"

ANCESTRY

HAMPTON--"Dinwiddow told me his family is a very old one. They wereone of the first to come across. "

RHODES--"The grocer told me yesterday that now they are the last tocome across. "--_Judge_. 

"Pa, what are ancestors?"

"Well, my son, I'm one of yours. Your grandpa is another. "

"Oh! Then why is it people brag about them?"

HE--"My ancestors came over in the _Mayflower_. "

SHE--"It's lucky they did; the immigration laws are a little stricternow. "

ANIMALS

It was Robert's first visit to the Zoo. 

"What do you think of the animals?" inquired Uncle Ben. 

After a critical inspection of the exhibit the boy replied: "I thinkthe kangaroo and the elephant should change tails. "

ANTICIPATION

"Mr. Blinks, " said she, "do you think that anticipation is greaterthan realization?"

"Well, " replied Mr. Blinks, "anticipation is broader and higher, butrealization is longer and flatter. "

ANTIQUES

"Gee, whiz! Isn't that Smithson who just went by in his automobile?When I knew him a few years ago he had a junk-shop. "

"He still has. Only he moved in to a fashionable street and labeledthe same stock 'Antiques. '"

CUSTOMER--"What! Five hundred dollars for that antique? Why, I pricedit last week and you said three hundred and fifty. "

DEALER--"Yes, I know; but the cost of labor and materials has gone upso!"

AD WRITER--"When do you want me to prepare that copy for the sale ofantiques you have been planning?"

BOSS--"We'll have to hold back on those awhile. The wormhole borersare on strike in Grand Rapids. "

APARTMENTS

MR. LONGSUFFER--"Say, janitor, it's down to zero in my flat. "

JANITOR--"Down to zero, is it? That's nothing. "

_Necessarily So_

"I wonder if they take children in these apartments. "

"They must. Some of the rooms aren't big enough for a grown person. "

"How do the Joneses seem to like their little two-room kitchenetteapartment?"

"Oh, they have no room for complaint!"--_Judge_. 

APPEARANCES

A man's appearance indicates how his business is prospering, and hiswife's appearance shows how much he is spending. 

In civilized society external advantages make us more respected. A manwith a good coat upon his back meets with a better reception than hewho has a bad one. You may analyze this and say, what is there init? But that will avail you nothing, for it is a part of a generalsystem. --_Johnson_. 

A miser grows rich by seeming poor; an extravagant man grows poor byseeming rich. --_Shenstone_. 

Polished brass will pass upon more people than rough gold. --_Chesterfield_. 

In all professions every one affects a particular look and exterior, in order to appear what he wishes to be thought; so that it may besaid the world's made up of appearances. --_La Rochefoucauld_. 

APPETITE

"Josh, " said Farmer Corntossel to his son, "I wish, if you don't mind, you'd eat off to yourself instead of with the summer boarders. "

"Isn't my society good enough for them?"

"Your society is fine. But your appetite sets a terrible example. "

TEACHER--"You remember the story of Daniel in the lion's den, Robbie?"

ROBBIE--"Yes, ma'am. "

TEACHER--"What lesson do we learn from it?"

ROBBIE--"That we shouldn't eat everything we see. "

APPLAUSE

"You don't attach much importance to the applause an orator receives. "

"Not much, " admitted Senator Sorghum. "There is bound to be applause. You can't expect an audience to sit still all evening and doabsolutely nothing. "

"The train pulled out before you had finished your speech. "

"Yes, " replied Senator Sorghum. "As I heard the shouts of the crowdfading in the distance I couldn't be sure whether they were applaudingme or the engineer. "

A slowness to applaud betrays a cold temper or an enviousspirit. --_Hannah More_. 

The silence that accepts merit as the most natural thing in the world, is the highest applause. --_Emerson_. 

ARITHMETIC

"Waiter, " he suggested mildly, "I want three eggs, and boil them fourminutes. "

But the cook, having only one in the place, boiled it twelve minutes. 

Which proves the value of higher mathematics. 

SCHOOL-TEACHER (to little boy)--"If a farmer raises 3, 700 bushels ofwheat and sells it for $2. 50 per bushel, what will he get?"

LITTLE BOY--"An automobile. "

"Now, then, Johnny, " said his teacher, "if your father gave you sevencents and your mother gave you six and your uncle gave you four more, what would you have?"

Johnny wrinkled up his forehead and went into silence for the space ofseveral minutes. 

"Come, come, " said the teacher impatiently. "Surely you can solve asimple little problem like that. "

"It ain't a simple problem at all, " replied the boy. "I can't make upmy mind whether I'd have an ice-cream soda or go to the movies. "

In Missouri, where they raise more mules and children than in anyother place in the world, a certain resident died possessed ofseventeen mules and three sons. In his will he disposed of the mulesas follows: One-half to the eldest son, one-third to the next, andone-ninth to the youngest. 

The administrator who went to divide the property drove a span ofmules out to the farm, but when he went to divide the seventeen intohalves, thirds, and ninths he found it was impossible with live mules;mules not being very valuable, he unhitched one of his own, putting itwith the other seventeen, making eighteen, when he proceeded to divideas follows: One-half, or nine to the eldest, one third, or six, to thenext son, and one-ninth, or two, to the youngest. Adding up nine, six, two, he found that it made seventeen, so he hitched up his mule andwent home rejoicing. --_Ladies Home Journal_. 

"Now, Harold, " said the teacher, "if there were eleven sheep in afield and six jumped the fence how many would there be left?"

"None, " replied Harold. 

"Why, but there would, " said she. 

"No, ma'am, there wouldn't, " persisted he. "You may know arithmetic, but you don't know sheep. "

One day, as Pat halted at the top of the river-bank, a man famous forhis inquisitive mind stopped and asked:

"How long have you hauled water for the village, my good man?"

"Tin years, sor. "

"Ah, how many loads do you take in a day?"

"From tin to fifteen, sor. "

"Ah, yes! Now I have a problem for you. How much water at this ratehave you hauled in all?"

The driver of the watering-cart jerked his thumb backward toward theriver and replied:

"All the water yez don't see there now, sor. "

ARMIES

A sentry was giving close attention to his post in the neighborhood ofa British army camp in England, challenging returning stragglers lateafter dark. The following is reported as an incident to his vigil:

"Who goes there?" called the sentry at the sound of approachingfootsteps. 

"Coldstream Guards!" was the response. 

"Pass, Coldstream Guards!" rejoined the sentry. 

"Who goes there?" again challenged the sentry. 

"Forty-ninth Highlanders!" returned the unseen pedestrian. 

"Pass, Forty-ninth Highlanders!"

"Who goes there?" sounded a third challenge. 

"None of your d--n business!" was the husky reply. 

"Pass, Canadians!" acquiesced the sentry. 

 _Things in the Army that_

 _Increase_ _Decrease_ Your appetite. Your surplus fat. Your respect for the flag. Your self-conceit. Your love for your mother. Your fastidiousness. Your promptness. Your selfishness. Your democracy. Your carelessness. Your feet. Your finances. 

A few soldiers belonging to part of a Swiss regiment in garrison atBasel went to a certain cafe for refreshments. One of them sat downalone at a table. Later a civilian, a German, joined him and the twobegan to talk war politics. "Would you shoot on the Germans if theyinvaded Switzerland?" asked the German. 

"Oh, no, never!" exclaimed the soldier. 

"Waiter, a pint of beer and a beefsteak with potatoes for this braveman, " ordered the civilian. 

"And your pals sitting at the next table--would they also not shootthe Germans if they tried to invade this country?"

"Oh, no, never, " retorted the Swiss. 

"Waiter, a glass of beer for each of the soldiers at the next table!"ordered the civilian. 

And addressing again the soldier, he asked: "Is this generally theview held in the Swiss Army in regard to a possible German invasion?Are all the Swiss soldiers so Germanophil?"

"I don't know, " replied the soldier. 

"But why would you not shoot the Germans?"

"Because we belong to the band. "

OFFICER (to private)--"What are you doing down in that shell-hole?Didn't you hear me say we were out against four to one?"

GEORDIE (a trade-unionist)--"Ay. Aa heard you; but aa've killed mafower. "--_Punch_. 

"The army must be a terrible place, " said Aunt Samanthy, looking upfrom the evening paper. 

"What makes you think so, Samanthy?" asked her dutiful spouse. 

"Why, jest think what it must be where beds is bunk and meals is amess. "

Said the colored lad as he was being mustered out, on being askedwhat train he was going to take for home: "Boss, I ain't gonna takeno train. I lives two hundred miles away, and I'se gonna run the firsteighteen, just to make sure they don't change their minds befo' Ileave camp. "

A factory foreman who had some 300 hands under him went into the army, became a captain of a company and could not get into the habit ofcalling his soldiers men, but invariably referred to them as my"hands. " Imagine, therefore, the surprise of his commanding officerwhen the captain turned in a report of an engagement, in which hesaid he "had the very good fortune to have only one of my 'hands' shotthrough the nose. "

"Were you happy when you started for France?"

"Happy? We were in transports. "

_See also_ Conscription; Military discipline. 

ART AND ARTISTS

HENRY--"He may be a great artist, but he has a peculiar way of doingthings. "

HAPPY--"How's that?"

HENRY--"He says he painted his greatest masterpiece on an emptystomach. "

_Impressionistic_

Whistler once undertook to get a fellow artist's work into the autumnsalon. He succeeded, and the picture was hung. But the painter, goingto see his masterpiece with Whistler on varnishing day, uttered anexclamation of dismay. 

"Good Heavens!" he cried, "you're exhibiting my picture upside down. "

"Hush!" said Whistler. "The committee refused it the other way. "

"If you do good work, your work will grow after you are gone. "

"That's a fact. Rubens left only some 2, 000 pictures, but there are10, 000 of his pictures in circulation now. "

"Luxurious tastes Richleigh has. He has a Corot in his office. "

"That's nothing! I have a whistler in mine. "

Two ladies, each with her child, visited the Chicago Art Museum. Asthey passed the "Winged Victory" the little boy exclaimed: "Huh! Sheain't got no head. " "Sh!" the horrified little girl replied, "That'sart; she don't need none!"

One of those country gentlemen who owns a farm in Brown County, butlives in Indianapolis and only spends his weekends on the farm, askedone of his neighbors down in Brown county: "Did you know that T. C. Steele sold the picture that he painted on your farm?" The farmer madeno reply to this, and then the country gentleman told him the priceMr. Steele got for the canvas. "I just wish I had known the fellerliked the place well enough to pay that for a picture of it, " thefarmer said. "I'd a' sold him the farm for $200 less than that. "

ARTIST--"Now, here's a picture--one of my best, too--I've justfinished. When I started out I had no idea what it was going to be. "

FRIEND--"After you got through, how did you find out what it was?"

Bessie is a bright one. The other day her teacher set her and herschoolmates to drawing, letting them choose their own subjects. Afterthe teacher had examined what the other children had drawn, she tookup Bessie's sheet. 

"Why, what's this?" she said. "You haven't drawn anything at all, child. "

"Please, teacher, yes, I have, " returned Bessie. "It's a war-picture-along line of ammunition-wagons at the front. You can't see 'em 'causethey're camouflaged. "

"Mark Twain was visiting H. H. Rogers, " said a New York editor. "Mr. Rogers led the humorist into his library. 

"'There, ' he said as he pointed to a bust of white marble. 'What doyou think of that?' It was a bust of a young woman coiling her hair-agraceful example of Italian sculpture. Mr. Clemens looked and then hesaid:

"'It isn't true to nature. "

"'Why not?' Mr. Rogers asked. 

"'She ought to have her mouth full of hairpins, ' said the humorist. "

_See also_ Futurist art. 

ASTRONOMY

FINNEGAN--"Oh, yis, Oi can undershtand how thim astronomers cancalkilate th' distance av a shtarr, its weight, and dinsity and colorand all thot--but th' thing thot gets me is, how th' divvle do theyknow its _name_. "

 I think the stars do nod at me, But not when people are about; For they regard me curiously Whenever I go out. 

 Brothers, what is it ye mean, What is it ye try to say. That so earnestly ye lean From the spirit to the clay?

 I may have been a star one day, One of the rebel host that fell, And they are nodding down to say. Come back to us from hell. 

AUTHORS

A clever author is one who never asks what they are saying when he istold that everybody is talking about his latest book. 

The wife of a successful young literary man had hired a buxom Dutchgirl to do the housework. Several weeks passed and from seeing hermaster constantly about the house, the girl received an erroneousimpression. 

"Ogscuse me, Mrs. Blank, " she said to her mistress one day, "but Ilike to say somedings. "

"Well, Rena?"

The girl blushed, fumbled with her apron, and then replied, "Veil, youpay me four tollars a veek--"

"Yes, and I really can't pay you any more. "

"It's not dot, " responded the girl; "but I be villing to take treetollars till--till your husband gets vork. "

Kate Douglas Wiggin's choicest possession, she says, is a letterwhich she once received from the superintendent of a home for thefeeble-minded. He spoke in glowing terms of the pleasure with whichthe "inmates" had read her little book, "Marm Lisa, " and ended thussuperbly:

"In fact, madam, I think I may safely say that you are the favoriteauthor of the feeble-minded!"

Harold Jenks, a syndicate editor of Denver, was talking about the lowrates paid by the magazines. 

"They who write for newspaper syndicates, where their work appearssimultaneously in forty or fifty newspapers all over the country, "said Mr. Jenks, "make a good deal of money. Of course, the magazinewriter, beside such men, isn't one, two, three. 

"A seedy magazine writer dropped in on me this morning to borrow aquarter. As he left, he said:

"'Jenks, old man, the difference between a hen and a magazine writeris this--while they both scratch for a living, the hen gets hers. '"

_Consolation_

"How did your novel come out?"

"Well, " replied the self-confident man, "it proved beyond all doubtthat it isn't one of these trashy best-sellers. "

The late Ambassador Walter Hines Page was formerly editor of TheWorld's Work and, like all editors, was obliged to refuse a great manystories. A lady once wrote him:

"_Sir_: you sent back last week a story of mine. I know that you didnot read the story, for as a test I had pasted together pages 18, 19, and 20, and the story came back with these pages still pasted; and soI know you are a fraud and turn down stories without reading same. "

Mr. Page wrote back:

"_Madame_: At breakfast when I open an egg I don't have to eat thewhole egg to discover it is bad. "

The great novelist summoned his publisher to his luxurious home. 

"Have your salesmen, " he asked, "prepared for their semi-annual tripamong the down-trodden booksellers?"

"They have. "

"Has your publicity man written the usual biographical notices andarranged for a series of dinners in my honor?"

"He has. "

"Have your great minds selected a title for my forthcoming work?"

"Indeed, yes. "

"Then what do you want me to write about?"

The publisher drew from his pocket a paper. 

"Here is a wonderful plot, " he replied. "It has every element--maudlinsentiment, mystery, touches of your characteristic humor, profoundinsight--everything. "

The great author was conservative. He had had experience. 

"I haven't time to read it just now, " he said. "But are you sure? Howdo you know that it is any good?"

"Good!" exclaimed the publisher. "Of course it is good. Why, my dearsir, it has met with the unqualified approval of every member of ourmotion-picture department. "

THE PUBLISHER--"How are you going to introduce accurate local color inyour new story of life in Thibet? You've never been there. "

THE EMINENT AUTHOR--"Neither has any of my public. "--_Judge_. 

"So you got your poem printed?"

"Yes, " replied the author. "I sent the first stanza to the editor ofthe Correspondence Column with the inquiry, 'Can anyone give me therest of this poem?' Then I sent in the complete poem over anothername!"

"Ye think a fine lot of Shakespeare?"

"I do, sir, " was the reply. 

"An' ye think he was mair clever than Rabbie Burns?"

"Why, there's no comparison between them. "

"Maybe, no; but ye tell us it was Shakespeare who wrote 'Uneasy liesthe head that wears a crown. ' Now, Rabbie would never hae sic nonsenseas that. "

"Nonsense, sir!" thundered the other. 

"Ay, just nonsense. Rabbie would hae kent fine that a king or queeneither disna ganga to bed wi' a croon on their head. He'd hae kentthey hang it over the back o' a chair. "

HOSTESS--"I sometimes wonder, Mr. Highbrow, if there is anythingvainer than you authors about the things you write. "

HIGHBROW--"There is, madam; our efforts to sell them. "

"No, " said the honest man, "I was never strong at literature. To savemy life I could not tell you who wrote 'Gray's Elegy. '"

HENLEY--"How are you getting on with your writing for the magazines?"

PENLEY--"Just holding my own. They send me back as much as I sendthem. "

Wouldn't it be pleasant if so many authors didn't:

Let their characters converse for hours without any identificationtags, so that you have to turn back three pages and number off oddspeeches in order to find out who's talking. 

Overwork the "smart" atmosphere, the suspension points and theseasonal epidemics of such words as "gripping, " "virile, " "intrigue, ""gesture, " etc. 

Stick up a periscope every now and then, like, "Little did he thinkhow dearly this trifling error was to cost him, " or "She was to meetthis man again, under strange circumstances. "

Apply a large hunk of propaganda, like an ice bag, just where the plotought to rush ahead. 

EDITOR--"Historically, this story is incorrect. "

AUTHOR--"But hysterically it is one of the best things I have everdone. "

A man who was a great admirer of Mark Twain was visiting in Hannibal, Mo. He asked the darkey who was driving him about if he knew whereHuckleberry Finn lived. "No sah, I never heard of the gemmen. " Thenhe said "Then perhaps you knew Tom Sawyer?" "No, sah, I never met thegemmen. " "But surely you have heard of Puddin'head Wilson?" "Yes, sah, I've never met him, but I've voted for him twice. "

AUTHORSHIP

TED--"I was tempted to read his book by the advertisements, but I wasdisappointed. "

NED--"That's only natural. The advertisements are better written thanthe book. "

AUTOMOBILE TOURISTS

"Why do you turn out for every road hog that comes along?" said themissus, rather crossly. "The right of way is ours, isn't it?"

"Oh, undoubtedly!" answered he, calmly. "As for our turning out, the reason is plainly suggested in this epitaph which appeared in anewspaper recently:

 "Here lies the body of William Jay, Who died maintaining his right of way; He was right, dead right, as he sped along, But he's just as dead as if he'd been wrong. "

A motorist had been haled into court, and when his name was called thejudge asked what the charges were against the prisoner. 

"Suspicious actions, your Honor, " answered the policeman who had madethe arrest. 

"Suspicious actions?" queried his Honor "What was he doing that seemedsuspicious?"

"Well, " replied the officer, "he was running within the speed limit, sounding his horn properly, and trying to keep on the right side ofthe street, so I arrested him. "

"What kind of a time is he having on his motor-trip?"

"Guess he's having a pretty lively time. He sent me a picturepost-card of a hospital. "

A tourist was just emerging from a corn-field by the roadside, bearingin his arms a dozen handsome roasting ears. A second car approachedand stopped, whereon the tourist reached for his pocketbook and askedin an embarrassed manner, "How much?"

"One dollar, " said the newcomer, and then, after receiving payment, remarked, "This is a fine field of corn. Wonder who it belongs to?"

AUTOMOBILES AND AUTOMOBILING

"Has this car got a speedometer?" asked an old gentleman to theauctioneer, at one of the Disposal Board sales. The auctioneerwas equal to the occasion and replied: "At thirty miles an hour itexhibits a white flag, at forty miles a red flag, and at fifty milesa gramophone begins to play, 'I'm going to be an angel, and with theangels dwell'"

"Remember, son, Garfield drove mules on a tow-path and Lincoln splitrails. "

"I know, dad; but say, did any of these Presidents ever crank a coldmotor in a blizzard for half an hour before he discovered that hedidn't have any gasoline?"

The time to buy a used car is just before you move, so people in thenew neighborhood will think you were the one who used it. 

"I understand that you have a new motor-car. "

"Yes. "

"Do you drive it yourself?"

"Nobody drives it. We coax it. "

"We deny ourselves much. I am saving to build a house. "

"Is your wife cheerful about it?"

"Oh, yes. She thinks we're saving for an automobile. "

SHE--"Tell me, is an F. O. B. Detroit a reliable car?"

"I have never owned any automobiles, " said the man who hadn't yet paidfor his home, "but I can say one thing in praise of them. "

"What is that?" inquired Henderson. 

"They have made mortgages respectable. "--_Judge_. 

"I see Smith is building a garage. When did he get a car?"

"He hasn't got one yet, but he's got an option on ten gallons ofgasoline. "

An irate customer complained to her butcher about finding pieces ofrubber in the sausage meat and demanded an explanation. The butchersaid, "It is only another proof of how the automobile is taking theplace of the horse. "

"Hello, old top. New car?"

"No! Old car, new top. "

A farmer was recently arguing with a French chauffeur, who hadslackened up at an inn, regarding the merits of the horse and themotor-car. 

"Give me a 'orse, " remarked the farmer; "them traveling oil-shops istoo uncertain fer my likin'. "

"Eet is prejudice, my friend. " the chauffeur replied; "you Engleeshare behind ze times; you will think deefairent some day. "

"Behind the times be blowed!" came the retort; "p'r'aps nex' time theProosians are round Paris and you have to git your dinner off a steakfrom the 'ind wheel of a motor-car, you Frenshmen'll wish you wasn'tso bloomin' well up-to-date!"

"What does autosuggestion mean?" asked Pringle. 

"That's when your wife begins to figure out how much you would save incar-fare, and all that, if you had your own machine, " replied Teggard, who had been worked just that way. 

An automobile show is a place to which car owners go to hear theexhibitors confirm their judgment. 

"I've stopped riding horseback and got a second-hand car. "

"Need more exercise?"

"I suppose you think I'm foolish enough to buy that broken-down oldautomobile!"

"Broken-down nothing! With the exception of a busted drive-shaft, a cracked crank-case, a loose steering-wheel, a bum battery, adilapidated differential and faulty ignition, it is just as good asnew. Outside of buying four sets of tires, three new springs, a newtop, two rear axles, a couple of batteries, having the valves groundsixteen times, the clutch tightened every week and the self-starterrepaired now and then, I have never spent one cent for repairs. The old boat hasn't been run a mile over one hundred thousand, willaverage fourteen gallons to the mile, and absolutely will not exceedtwenty-five miles an hour. It has an extra-fine new coat of paint, and is fully equipped with a hand pump and switch-key. Because of thedifficulty in shifting gears, I absolutely guarantee your wife willnever be able to drive it, and--"

"Never mind the rest. I'll take it!"

"I thought you owned an automobile. "

"I do, but I taught the wife to drive it, and now I'm back to thestreet-cars. "

"Say, Rastus, I done see de funniest thing t'day. "

"How come, niggah?"

"I seed an ottermobile with its reah license B--4. "

"Say, bo, doan hand me no truck lak that. "--_Judge_. 

The only trouble with a 60-horse-power motor is that every darnedhorse balks at the same time. 

BILL--"Just happened to run into an old friend down-town. "

PHIL--"Was he glad to see you?"

BILL--"You bet not. I smashed his whole right fender. "

"My brother bought a motor here last week, " said an angry man to thesalesman that stepped up to greet him, "and he said if anything brokeyou would supply him with new parts. "

"Certainly, " said the salesman. "What does he want?"

"He wants two deltoid muscles, a couple of kneecaps, one elbow, andabout half a yard of cuticle, " said the man, "and he wants them atonce. "

An elderly lady of very prim and severe aspect was seated next a youngcouple, who were discussing the merits of their motor-cars. 

"What color is your body?" asked the young man of the girl at hisside, meaning of course, the body of her motor. 

"Oh, mine is pink. What is yours?"

"Mine, " replied the man, "is brown with wide yellow stripes. "

This was too much for the old lady. Rising from the table, sheexclaimed:

"When young people come to asking each other the color of their bodiesat a dinner-party, it is time I left the room. "

"Why didn't you stop when I signaled you?" inquired the officer. 

"Well, " replied Mr. Chuggins, "it had taken me two hours to get thisold flivver started, and it seemed a shame to stop her merely to avoida little thing like being arrested. "

 _Who Can Tell?_

 Dear Sirs, --About the engine. Well, We write to let you know We've waded through the booklet on "What Makes the Engine Go. " It took us close on half a day To read through all the guff; The engine goes all right, but don't Keep goin' long enough. It's very good to understand What makes the engine go. But why the deuce the d--- thing stops Is what we want to know. So now we're making this request, While tears and curses drop, Please send along a booklet on What Makes the Engine Stop. The folk around here all await With interest your reply: To them the reasons why she goes Don't seem to signify. So while we wait and chew the cud Don't let the matter flop; For Gawd's sake write and let us know What makes the blighter stop. 

_See also_ Fords; Garages; Horses; Reputation. 

AVIATION

TOMMY (to Aviator)--"What is the most deadly poison known?"

AVIATOR--"Aviation poison. "

TOMMY--"How much does it take to kill a person?"

AVIATOR--"One drop!"

ENTHUSIASTIC AVIATOR (after long explanation of principle and workingsof his biplane)--"Now, you understand it, don't you?"

YOUNG LADY--"All but one thing. "

AVIATOR--"And that is--?"

YOUNG LADY--"What makes it stay up?"

ENTHUSIAST--"Don't the spectators tire you with the questions theyask?"

AVIATOR--"Yes. What else do you want to know?"

MANDY--"Rastus, you all knows dat yo' remind me of dem dere flyin'machines?"

RASTUS--"No, Mandy, how's dat?"

MANDY--"Why becays youse no good on earth. "

BACHELORS

It is a safe guess that the man who pokes fun at a woman for shoppingall day and not buying anything isn't married. 

MADGE--"You shouldn't say he's a confirmed bachelor unless you know. "

MARJORIE--"But I do know; I confirmed him. "

It is admitted that married men have better halves but it is claimedthat bachellors generally have better quarters. 

BAGGAGE

TOMMY (just off train, with considerable luggage)--"Cabby, how much isit for me to Latchford?"

CABBY--"Two shillings, sir. "

TOMMY--"How much for my luggage?"

CABBY--"Free, sir. "

TOMMY--"Take the luggage, I'll walk. "

BALDNESS

BALD HEADED GUEST--"Well, sonny, what is it that amuses you?"

YOUNG HOPEFUL--"Nothing; only mother has put a brush and comb in yourbedroom. "

SCEPTIC--"If you have such an infallible remedy for baldness, whydon't you use it?"

SUBTLE BARBER (very bald)--"Ah, sir, I sacrifice my appearance tobring 'ome to clients the 'orror of 'airlessness. "--_Punch_. 

"That bald-headed man who just went out is the greatest optimist Iever met, " said the druggist. 

"That so?" asked the customer. 

"Yes, " replied the druggist. "When I guaranteed my hair restorer hebought a bottle, and bought a comb and brush because he felt sure he'dneed them in a few days. "

Two traveling men, who had not met in several years, were condolingwith each other on their increasing baldness. 

"Well, " said Jones, "one comfort is that it's only brain workers wholose their hair. "

"Yes, " Smith answered, "only thinkers ever become bald. Isn't that so, Sam?" appealing to the porter. 

"Well, I dunno 'bout dat, " the darky replied. "My granddad said dat anempty bahn doan need no cover. "

BANKS AND BANKING

Before the passage of the present strict banking laws in Wisconsin, starting a bank was a comparatively simple proposition. Thesurprizingly small amount of capital needed is well illustrated by thestory a prosperous country-town banker told on himself, when asked howhe happened to enter the banking business:

"Well, " he said, "I didn't have much else to do, so I rented an emptystore building and painted BANK on the window. The first day I wasopen for business a man came in and deposited a hundred dollars withme; the second day another man dropped in and deposited two hundredand fifty; and so, by George, along about the third day I gotconfidence enough in the bank to put in a hundred myself!"

A negro bank was opened in a small town in Georgia, and Sam depositedten dollars. Several weeks later he returned to draw out hismoney. When he presented his check the colored cashier looked at itdoubtfully and said: "Sam, you ain't got any money in dis here bank, but I'll look on de books an' make sure. " In a minute he came back andsaid: "Yes, you did have ten dollars; but, nigger, de interes' doneeat up dat money. "

"Father, " said Nellie, "that bank in which you told me to put my moneyis in a bad way. "

"In a bad way?" returned her father. "Why, my child, that's one ofthe strongest banks in the country. What in the world gives you thatidea?"

"Well, " said Nellie, "it returned one of my checks today for $30marked 'No funds. '"

A Buffalo man stopped a newsboy in New York saying: "See here, son, Iwant to find the Blank National Bank. I'll give you half a dollar ifyou direct me to it. "

With a grin, the boy replied: "All right, come along, " and he led theman to a building a half-block away. 

The man paid the promised fee, remarking, however, "That was ahalf-dollar easily earned. "

"Sure!" responded the lad. "But you mustn't fergit that bank-directorsis paid high in Noo Yawk. "

HE--"We'll have to give up our intended summer trip. My account at thebank is already overdrawn. "

SHE--"Oh, John, you are such a wretched financier. Why don't you keepyour account in a bank that has plenty of money?"

A Hebrew by the name of Cohen went into a bank one day and asked thecashier to discount his note. The bank cashier said:

"Mr. Cohen, I can't discount that note unless you get some one youknow, a responsible man, to indorse it. "

Cohen said to the cashier: "You know me, und you're responsible; youindorse it. "

BAPTISM

"You don't know me, do you, Bobby?" asked a lady who had recently beenbaptized. 

"Sure I do, " piped the youth. "You're the lady that went in swimmingwith the preacher last Sunday. "

Little Edward's twin sisters were being christened. All went welluntil Edward saw the water in the font. Then he anxiously turned tohis mother and exclaimed: "Ma, which one are you going to keep?"

Throughout the christening ceremony the baby smiled up beautifullyinto the clergyman's face. 

"Well, madam, " said he to the young wife, "I must congratulate you onyour little one's behavior. I have christened more than 2, 000 babies, but I never before christened one that behaved so well as yours. "

The young mother smiled demurely, and said:

"His father and I, with a pail of water, have been practising on himfor the last ten days. "

"Tommy, " said the Sunday-school teacher, who had been giving a lessonon the baptismal covenant, "can you tell me the two things necessaryto baptism?"

"Yes'm, " said Tommy, "water and a baby. "

In a small country church, not long since a little child was broughtforward for baptism. The young minister, taking the little one in hisarms, spoke as follows:

"Beloved hearers, no one can foretell the future of this little child. He may grow up to be a great astronomer, like Sir Isaac Newton, or agreat labor leader like John Burns; and it is possible he might becomethe prime minister of England. "

Turning to the mother, he inquired, "What is the name of the child?"

"Mary Ann, " was the reply. 

BAPTISTS

The mayor of a tough border town is about to engage a preacher for thenew church. 

"Parson, you aren't by any chance a Baptist, are you?"

"Why, no, not necessarily. Why?"

"Well, I was just agoin' to say we have to haul our water twelvemiles. "

BARGAINS

A thin, anemic woman was accosted by her friend on the street: "Why, Mary, how pale and thin you look! I thought you were going south foryour health. "

"I was, " said Mary, "but my doctor has offered me such a lovelybargain in operations--a major operation for one thousand dollars--andof course I can't resist that. "

"How much vas dose collars?"

"Two for a quarter. "

"How much for vun?"

"Fifteen cents. "

"Giff me de odder vun. "

"Ikey, " said the teacher, "can you give me a definition for 'abargain'?"

"Sure I can, " smiled Ikey. "A bargain's when you get the best ofthem. "

Dad was not greatly pleased by the school report brought to him by hishopeful. 

"How is it?" he demanded, "that you stand so much lower in yourstudies for the month of January than for December?"

Samuel was equal to the emergency. "Why, dad, " said he, in an injuredtone, "don't you know that everything is marked down after theholidays?"

Swapping dollars enriches nobody but swapping ideas enriches bothparties to the trade. 

A noted wag met an Irishman in the street one day, and thought hewould be funny at his expense. 

"Hello, Pat!" he said. "I'll give you eight (in) pence for ashilling. "

"Will ye, now?" said Pat. 

"Yes, " he replied. 

The Irishman handed over the shilling, and his friend put eight penceinto his palm in return. 

"Eight in pence, " he explained. "Not bad, is it?"

"No, " answered Pat; "but the shilling is!"

BASEBALL

"Baseball, " says a Big League magnate, "is the public's luxury. " Thesmall boy will disagree with him, a luxury being something you can dowithout. -Puck. 

At a ball game between a South Carolina negro team and a visiting teamof similar color a negro preacher was acting as umpire. The pitcherhad gone rather wild, and had permitted all the bases to fill. Anotherman came to the bat, and the nervous pitcher shot one over. 

"Ball one, " yelled the ump. 

The pitcher tried again. 

"Ball two, " was the decision. 

Another effort by the hurler. 

"Ball three, " said the umpire. 

The pitcher saw his predicament, and made one master effort to savethe day. 

"Ball four, " yelled the ump, "and the man's out. "

"How come, I'se out?" inquired the enraged batter. 

"I'se repelled to put you out, nigger. Don't you see dar's nowhereelse to put you?" reasoned the umpire. 

They were getting up a ball game in a small town and lacked oneplayer. They finally persuaded an old fellow to fill in, although hesaid he had never played before. He went to the bat and the first ballpitched he knocked over the fence. Every one stood and watched theball, even the batter. Excitedly they told him to run. "Shucks!" hesaid, "what's the use of running, I'll buy you another ball. "

An Englishman was seeing his first game of baseball, and the "fan" wasexplaining the different plays as they were being made. 

"Don't you think it's great?" enthusiastically asked the "fan. "

"Well, " replied the Englishman, "I think it's very exciting, but alsoa very dangerous game. "

"Dangerous nothing, " replied the fan. 

Just then a runner was put out at second base. 

"What has happened now?" asked the Englishman. 

"Chick Smith has died at second, " laconically replied the fan. 

"Died at second?" replied the astonished Briton. "I knew it was adangerous game. "

They arrived at the fifth inning. 

"What's the score, Jim?" he asked a fan. 

"Nothing to nothing, " was the reply. 

"Oh, goody!" she exclaimed. "We haven't missed a thing!"

At the base ball game. 

SHE--"What's the man running for?"

HE--"He hit the ball. "

SHE--"I know. But is he required to chase it, too?"

An Englishman was once persuaded to see a game of baseball, and duringthe play, when he happened to look away for a moment, a foul tipcaught him on the ear and knocked him senseless. On coming to himself, he asked faintly, "What was it?"

"A foul--only a foul!"

"Good heavens!" he exclaimed. "A fowl? I thought it was a mule. "

BATHS AND BATHING

"S-s-s-s-sus-say, ma, " stammered Bobby, through the suds, as hismother scrubbed and scrubbed him, "I guess you want to get rid o' me, don't you?"

"Why, no, Bobby dear, " replied his mother. "Whatever put such an ideainto your mind?"

"Oh, nuthin', " said Bobby, "only it seems to me you're tryin' to rubme out. "

PA--"At last I've found a way to make that young scamp of ours stopwinking his eyes. "

MA--"Really?"

PA--"Yes; I'll show him the article in this science magazine where itsays that every time we wink we give the eye a bath. "

BEAUTY, PERSONAL

"Is she very pretty?"

"Pretty? Say! when she gets on a street-car the advertising is a totalloss. "

"I don't like these photos at all, " he said, "I look like an ape. "

The photographer favored him with a glance of lofty disdain. 

"You should have thought of that before you had them taken, " was hisreply as he turned back to work. 

"We're giving Baxby a farewell dinner and I'm to respond to the toast, 'None but the brave deserves the fair. '"

"Sorry for you, old top. You'll have to prove that Baxby is an uttercoward, or that he isn't getting what is his due. "

The Chinese are not given to flattery. A gentleman called at a Chineselaundry for his clothes. On receiving the package he noticedsome Chinese characters marked upon it. He asked, pointing to thelettering:

"That's my name, I suppose?"

"No; 'scliption, " was the Chinaman's bland reply. "'Lil ol' man, closs-eyed, no teeth. '"--_Everybody's_. 

BEGGING

"Some men have no hearts, " said the tramp. "I've been a-tellin' thatfeller I am so dead broke that I have to sleep outdoors. "

"Didn't that fetch him?" asked the other. 

"Naw. He tol' me he was a-doin' the same thing, and had to pay thedoctor for tellin' him to do it. "

DEAF-AND-DUMB BEGGAR--"Do you think it looks like rain, Bill?"

BLIND BEGGAR--"I dasn't look up to see--here comes one o' my bestcustomers!"--_Puck_. 

He who begs timidly courts a refusal. --_Seneca_. 

The matron passed a handout to the disreputable hobo, remarkingcurtly, "If you don't mind, eat it outside. "

"Bless yer, I'm used to it, " he answered. "When I was at home andin clover, as it were, it was me daily custom, when donnin' me dresssuit, to announce to me valet, 'Parkins, don't await dinner fer metonight. I'm dinin' out. '"

BEQUESTS

"There's a story connected with this diamond, " said Heinie, pointingto a big, handsome stone which sparkled in his shirt front. "A friendof mine by the name of Meyer lay sick in bed. I being his best friend, he sent for me and said:

"'Heinie, I'm a very sick man. I ain't got long to live. I'm wortha lot of money, and I'm going to leave it all to you and my otherfriends. But I want you to do me one favor. Take this money and whenI'm dead and laid away buy me a nice stone. '

"Those were Meyer's last words, and the day of the funeral I boughtthis stone. But how can I give it to him when he's dead?"

BETTING

"Charley, dear, " said young Mrs. Torkins, "I am glad to see you takingas much interest in politics as you formerly took in racing. "

"It is the duty of every man and woman to take an interest inpolitics. "

"Do you wish me to vote for the same candidate that you do?"

"Why shouldn't you?"

"I thought it might be a good idea for me to vote for the other one. It would be a satisfaction to feel that one or the other of us has atlast succeeded in picking a winner. "

A Scottish gentleman on a trip to New Orleans went to see his firsthorse-race. He was feeling very reckless, and decided to risk onedollar, choosing a forty-to-one shot, as that looked like the largestpercentage of gain. By a miracle his horse won, and upon handing histicket to the bookmaker, he received forty dollars. 

"Do I get all this for my dollar?" he asked. Upon being assured thathe did, he exclaimed. "Hoots! how long has this been going on?"

Little Pat and big Mike had had a dispute, when Mike in contempt said:"Ye little runt, Oi bet I could carry yez up to the fifth story in mehod. "

Pat immediately took up the bet, saying: "I'd loike to see ye thrythot same. I'll bet yez fifty cints on it. "

Before he knew it Mike had him in his hod and was going up the ladder. When he got to the fourth story his foot slipped and he almost fell. He regained his footing, however, and reached the fifth story intriumph. 

"Oi won!" he said. 

"Yez did thot, " said Pat, "but Oi had high hopes when yer footslipped. "

BIBLE INTERPRETATION

Senator Simmons was discussing the proposed war-tax onautomobile-owners. "Making war-taxes, " he said, "isn't pleasant work. It puts one in the position of the facetious minister at Ocean Grovewho took a little girl on his knee, and said:

"'I don't love you, Nellie. '"

All the ladies on the breeze-swept veranda laughed, but little Nelliefrowned and said:

"'You've got to love me. You've got to. '"

"'Got to? How so?'" laughed the divine. 

"'Because, ' said Nellie stoutly, 'you've got to love them that hateyou--and I hate you, goodness knows!'"

"The Bible tells us we should love our neighbors, " said the gooddeacon. 

"Yes, but the Bible was written before our neighbors lived so close, "replied the mere man. 

WILLIE--"Paw, why is the way of the transgressor hard?"

PAW--"Because so many people have tramped on it, my son. "

Little Marie was sitting on her grandfather's knee one day, and afterlooking at him intently for a time she said:

"Grandpa, were you in the ark?"

"Certainly not, my dear, " answered the astonished old man. 

"Then why weren't you drowned?"

A bashful curate found the young ladies in the parish too helpful. Atlast it became so embarrassing that he left. 

Not long afterward--he met the curate who had succeeded him. 

"Well, " he asked, "how do you get on with the ladies?"

"Oh, very well indeed, " said the other. "There is safety in numbers, you know. "

"Ah!" was the instant reply. "I only found it in Exodus. "

Bishop Hoss said at a Nashville picnic:

"The religious knowledge of too many adults resembles, I am afraid, the religious knowledge of little Eve. 

"'So you attend Sunday-school regularly?' the minister said to littleEve. "

"'Oh, yes, sir. '"

"'And you know your Bible?'"

"'Oh, yes, sir. '"

"'Could you perhaps tell me something that is in it?'"

"'I could tell you everything that's in it. '"

"'Indeed, ' and the minister smiled. 'Do tell me, then. '"

"'Sister's beau's photo is in it, ' said little Eve, promptly, 'andma's recipe for vanishin' cream is in it, and a lock of my hair cutoff when I was a baby is in it, and the ticket for pa's watch is init. '"

"Bobby, do you know you've deliberately broken the eighth commandmentby stealing James's candy?"

"Well, I thought I might as well break the eighth commandment and havethe candy as to break the tenth and only 'covet' it. "--_Life_. 

"I thought you were preaching, Uncle Bob, " said the Colonel, to whomthe elderly negro had applied for a job. 

"Yessah, Ah wuz, " replied Uncle; "but Ah guess Ah ain't smaht enoughto expound de Scriptures. Ah almost stahved to deff tryin' to explainde true meanin' uv de line what says 'De Gospel am free. ' Dem foolniggahs thought dat it meant dat Ah wuzn't to git no salary. "

The college boys played a mean trick on "Prexy" by pasting some ofthe leaves of his Bible together. He rose to read the morning lesson, which might have been as follows:

"Now Johial took unto himself a wife of the daughters of Belial. " (Heturned a leaf. ) "She was eighteen cubits in height and ten cubits inbreadth. " (A pause and careful scrutiny of the former page. )

He resumed: "Now Johial took unto himself a wife, " etc. (Leaf turned. )"She was eighteen cubits in height and ten cubits in breadth, and waspitched within and without--" (Painful pause and sounds of subduedmirth. ) "Prexy" turns back again in perplexity. 

"Young gentlemen, I can only add that 'Man is fearfully andwonderfully made'--and woman also. "

_See also_ Drinking. 

BIGAMY

 _The Bugamist. _

 A June bug married an angleworm; An accident cut her in two. They charged the bug with bigamy; Now what could the poor thing do?

 --_Punch Bowl_. 

A tariff expert of Kansas City said in a recent address:

"The average tariff argument is amusing in its ignorance. It remindsme of a certain Kansas City police court. 

"A policeman rose in this court to testify against a prisoner. 

"'Wot's this here feller charged with?' the magistrate demanded. 

"'Bigotry, judge, ' the police answered. 'He's got three wives. '

"'Three!' cried the magistrate. 'Why, you ignoramus, that ain'tbigotry. That's trigonometry!'"

"I left my money at home, " said the lady on the train to theconductor. "You will have to trust me. I am one of the directors'wives. "

"I am sorry, madam, " replied the conductor. "I can't do that, even ifyou were the director's only wife. "

BILLS

COLLECTOR--"Did you look at that little bill I left yesterday, sir?"

HOUSE MEMBER--"Yes; it has passed the first reading. "

Daniel Webster was once sued by his butcher for a bill of longstanding. Before his suit was settled he met the butcher on the streetand, to the man's great embarrassment, stopped to ask why he hadceased sending around for his order. 

"Why, Mr. Webster, " said the tradesman, "I did not think you wouldwant to deal with me when I've brought suit against you. "

"Tut! tut!" said Mr. Webster, "sue me all you wish, but for heaven'ssake don't try to starve me to death!"

"My doctor told me I would have to quit eating so much meat. "

"Did you laugh him to scorn?'"

"I did at first; but when he sent in his bill, I found he was right. "

TOMMY--"Why do the ducks dive?"

HARP--"Guess they must want to liquidate their bills. "

Bill Sprague kept a general store at Croyden Four Corners. One dayhe set off for New York to buy a lot of goods. The goods were shippedimmediately; and as Bill had lingered in New York sightseeing, theyreached Croyden Four Corners before him. The goods in an enormouspacking-case were driven to the general store by the local teamster. Mrs. Sprague came out to see what had arrived and, with a shriek, tottered and fell. 

"Oh, what's the matter, ma'am?" cried the hired girl. 

Mrs Sprague, her eyes blinded with tears, pointed to the packing-case, whereon was stenciled in large black letters: "BILL INSIDE. "

When you do not intend to pay a bill there is nothing like beingdecisive in your refusal. The other day a bookseller had an "accountrendered" returned to him with the following reply scrawled across thebillhead: "Dear Sir--I never ordered this beastly book. If I did, youdidn't send it. If you sent it, I never got it. If I got it, Ipaid for it. If I didn't, I won't. Now go and hang yourself, youfathead. --Yours very respectfully, John Jones. "

PATIENT--"Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up--somethingto put me in fighting-trim. Did you put anything like that in thisprescription?"

DOCTOR--"No. You will find that in the bill. "--_Judge_. 

_See also_ Debts; Collecting of accounts. 

BLUFFING

VISITOR (at private hospital)--"Can I see Lieutenant Barker, please?"

MATRON--"We do not allow ordinary visiting. May I ask if you're arelative?"

VISITOR (boldly)--"Oh, yes! I'm his sister. "

MATRON--"Dear me! I'm very glad to meet you. I'm hismother. "--_Punch_. 

Yes, life's like poker sure enough. It pays to know just when tobluff. 

Half-way up the steep hill the stage-coach stopped. For the seventhtime the driver climbed down from his seat and opened and slammed therear door. 

"What do you do that for?" asked a passenger, whose curiosity had gotthe better of him. 

"Sh-h; spake aisy. Don't let th' mare 'ear yer, " cautioned the driver. "Every toime she 'ears th' door shut she thinks some one has got down, and it starrts 'er up quicker loike. "

Ollie James is a big man personally and politically. He is a UnitedStates senator from Kentucky, and he weighs a trifle more than threehundred and fifty pounds. 

On one occasion, in traveling from New York to Washington, he barelycaught the midnight train, and discovered that the only berth left wasan upper. Having learned from experience that the process of coilingup his three hundred and fifty pounds and his six feet three inches inan upper berth was tough stuff, he was indignant. He was particularlyenraged when he noticed that the lower directly under his berth wasoccupied by a small man who tipped the scales at not more than ahundred and twenty. 

Ollie grasped the curtains of the berth, shook them vigorously, growled once or twice, and remarked vindictively to the porter:

"So I've got to sleep in an upper, have I? The last time I did that itwas on a trip from Frankfort to Washington, and the blamed thing brokedown and mashed the man under me. Throw that grip up there, and I hopeto Heaven the berth will hold me. "

Then he went back to the smoker and had a cigar. 

When he returned, the little man was in the upper. 

 _As it is_

 Weep and you are called a baby, Laugh and you are called a fool, Yield and you're called a coward, Stand and you're called a mule, Smile and they'll call you silly, Frown and they'll call you gruff, Put on a front like a millionaire, And somebody calls you a bluff. 

A successful old lawyer tells the following story anent the beginningof his professional life: "I had just installed myself in my office, "he said, "had put in a phone and had preened myself for my firstclient who might come along when, through the glass of my door I sawa shadow. Yes, it was doubtless some one to see me. Picture me, then, grabbing the nice, shiny receiver of my new phone and plunging into animaginary conversation. It ran something like this: 'Yes, Mr. S. , ' Iwas saying as the stranger entered the office, 'I'll attend to thatcorporation matter for you. Mr. J. Had me on the phone this morningand wanted me to settle a damage suit, but I had to put him off, as Iwas too busy with other cases. But I'll manage to sandwich your casein between the others somehow. Yes. Yes. All right. Goodby. ' Beingsure, then, that I had duly impressed my prospective client, I hung upthe receiver and turned to him. 'Excuse me, sir, ' the man said, 'but I'm from the telephone company. I've come to connect yourinstrument. '"

BOARD OF HEALTH

Strolling along the quays of New York harbor, an Irishman came acrossthe wooden barricade which is placed around the inclosure whereimmigrants suspected of suffering from contagious diseases areisolated. 

"Phwat's this fince for?" he inquired of a bystander. 

"Oh, " was the reply; "that's to keep out fever and things like that, you know. "

"Indade!" said Pat. "Oi've often heard of the board of health, butbejabers, it's the first time Oi've seen it!"

BOARDING HOUSES

The fare at a certain boarding-house was very poor. A boarder who hadbeen there for some time, because he could not get away, was standingin the hall when the landlord rang the dinner-bell. Whereupon an olddog that was lying outside on a rug commenced to howl mournfully. 

The boarder watched him a little while and then said: "What on earthare you howling for? You don't have to eat it!"

In the soft firelight even the boarding-house sitting-room looked cozyand attractive. The warmth and comfort thawed the heart of the "star"boarder. He turned to the landlady and murmured. "Will you be mywife?"

"Let me see, " replied the landlady, "you have been here four years. You have never once grumbled at the food or failed to pay my billpromptly and without question. No, sir, I'm sorry. You're too good aboarder to be put on the free list!"

BOASTING

The engineer had become tired of the boastful talk he heard from theother engine drivers at his boarding-house. One evening he began:

"This morning I went over to see a new machine we've got at our place, and it's astonishing how it works. "

"And how does it work?" asked one. 

"Well, " was the reply, "by means of a pedal attachment a fulcrumedlever concerts a vertical reciprocating motion into a circularmovement. The principal part of the machine is a huge disk thatrevolves in a vertical plane. Power is applied through the axis of thedisk, and work is done on the periphery, and the hardest steel by mereimpact may be reduced to any shape. "

"What is this wonderful machine?" was asked. 

"A grindstone, " was the reply. 

Senator Tillman was arguing the tariff with an opponent. 

"You know I never boast, " the opponent began. 

"Never boast? Splendid!" said Senator Tillman, and he added quietly, "No wonder you brag about it. "

They are mighty proud of their one sky-scraper up in Seattle. 

It is a long, skinny building that stands on one leg like a storkand blinks down disdainfully from its thousand windows on ordinaryfifteen-story shacks. 

A San Francisco man recently in that city was incautious enough toexpress surprise. 

"What are those posts sticking out all the way up?" he asked aSeattleite. 

"Those are mile-posts, " said the Seattle man. 

A gentleman from Vermont was traveling west in a Pullman when a groupof men from Topeka, Kansas, boarded the train and began to praisetheir city to the Vermonter, telling him of its wide streets andbeautiful avenues. Finally the Vermonter became tired and saidthe only thing that would improve their city would be to make it aseaport. 

The enthusiastic Westerners laughed at him and asked how they couldmake it a seaport, being so far from the ocean. 

The Vermonter replied that it would be a very easy task. 

"The only thing that you will have to do, " said he, "is to lay atwo-inch pipe from your city to the Gulf of Mexico. Then if youfellows can suck as hard as you can blow you will have it a seaportinside half an hour. "

BOLSHEVISM

"The reason you disapprove of Bolshevism is that you don't understandit. "

"Probably. Every time I get with Bolshevists and think I am beginningto understand, they start a riot and take my mind off the subject. "

There's just one thing the Bolshevik in America can do well--he candampen the fire under the Melting Pot!

Bolshevism--A blow-out on the tire of world-politics. 

BOOKS AND READING

A student assistant, engaged in reading the shelves at the publiclibrary, was accosted by a primly dressed middle-aged woman who saidthat she had finished reading the last of Laura Jean Libby's writings, and that she should like something just as good. 

The young assistant, unable for the moment to think of Laura JeanLibby's equal, hastily scanned the shelf on which she was working and, choosing a book, offered it to the applicant, saying, "Perhaps youwould like this, 'A Kentucky Cardinal. '"

"No, " was the reply, "I don't care for theological works. "

"But, " explained the kindly assistant, with needless enthusiasm, "thiscardinal was a bird!"

"That would not recommend him to me, " said the woman, as she movedaway in search of a librarian who should be a better judge ofcharacter as well as of Laura Jean Libby's peers. 

Books are the legacies that genius leaves to mankind, to be delivereddown from generation to generation, as presents to the posterity ofthose that are yet unborn. --_Addison_. 

"Are you interested in a loose-leaf encyclopedia?"

"Nope, got one. "

"Indeed! Whose?"

"The Britannica. "

"Didn't know they published a loose-leaf edition. "

"Huh! You ought to see mine after the children had used the volumes asbuilding blocks a few years. "

A dressy lady asked one of the assistants for an up-to-date storysuch as "Women men love" or the "Adventures of Anne. " The assistantselected a story which she thought this type of reader wouldappreciate. After a few minutes the dressy lady again appeared withthe book open, and pointing to a quotation on the title page said"I would like this book or any other by Proverbs. " The astonishedassistant read the quotation which was, "who can find a virtuouswoman, her price is far above rubies. " _Proverbs_ 31:10. 

"How far have you studied, Johnny?" inquired the teacher. "Just as faras the book is dirty, ma'am. "

Our youngest borrower is a little boy of three who reads surprisinglywell for one so young and selects his own books from the children'sroom. The other day, however, his mother complained that lately he hasbecome "lazy" and refuses to read. As we stood talking the little chapran joyfully toward her waving a picture book that had been made atthe branch and said, "No words Mother, no words. "

 If this is borrowed by a friend Right welcome shall he be; To read, to study, not to lend But to return to me. Not that imparted knowledge doth Diminish learning's store, But books, I find, if often lent, Return to me no more. 

 "Books are keys to wisdom's treasures; Books are gates to lands of pleasure; Books are paths that upward lead; Books are friends, come, let us read. "

When I consider what some books have done for the world, and what theyare doing, how they keep up our hope, awaken new courage and faith, soothe pain, give an ideal life to those whose hours are cold andhard, bind together distant ages and foreign lands, create new worldsof beauty, bring down Truth from heaven; I give eternal blessings forthis gift and thank God for books. 

Mr. Dooley says "Books is f'r thim that can't inj'ye thimsilves inanny other way. If ye're in good health, an ar-re atin' three squaresa day, an' not ayether sad or very much in love with ye'er lot, butjust lookin' on an' not carin' a rush, ye don't need books, " he says. 

"But if ye're a down-spirited thing an' want to get away an' can't, yeneed books. "

1921--"Did you see that movie called 'Oliver Twist'?" FROSH--"Yes, andsay, wouldn't that make a peach of a book?"

Young Isaac stood in line at the library to draw out a book. When histurn came he asked, respectfully, "Please give me Miss Alcott's Jewbook. "

The young lady looked puzzled. "A book by Miss Louisa M. Alcott?" shequeried. 

"Yes, " reiterated Isaac, "her Jew book. "

"Can you remember the title?"

"No; but it's her Jew book, " he insisted. 

"Well, I'll read over some of the titles of her books to you, andperhaps you can tell me the one you want when you hear it read. "Patiently she began, "_Little Women, Little Men, Under the Lilacs, Rose in Bloom_--"

"That's it, that's it!" cried Isaac--"_Rosenbloom_. "

A MAID (handing up two books to a library assistant)--"Will youchange these two books, please, for Mrs. Crawley-Smith?"

ASSISTANT--"Are there any others you wish for?"

MAID--"No. Mrs. Crawley-Smith doesn't mind what they are so long asthey have big print and a happy ending. "

_Hard to Find_

LIBRARIAN--"What kind of book do you want--fictional, historical, philosophical--?"

PATRON--"Oh, any kind that H. G. Wells hasn't written. "

LIBRARIAN--"We have none!"

BOOKSELLERS AND BOOKSELLING

William Dean Howells, at a dinner in Boston, said of modern Americanletters:

"The average popular novel shows on the novelist's part an ignoranceof his trade which reminds me of a New England clerk. 

"In a New England village I entered the main street department-storeone afternoon and said to the clerk at the book-counter:

"'Let me have, please, the letters of Charles Lamb. '

"'Post-office right across the street, Mr. Lamb, ' said the clerk, witha naive, brisk smile. "

"You never can tell, " said a traveling salesman. "Now you'd thinkthat a little New England village, chock full of church influence andhigher education, would be just the place to sell a book like 'DavidHarum, ' wouldn't you? Well, I know a man who took a stock up there andcouldn't unload one of 'em. He'd have been stuck for fair if he hadn'thad a brilliant idea and got the town printer to doctor up the titlefor him. As it was, he managed to unload the whole lot and get out oftown before the first purchaser discovered that 'David's Harum' wasn'tquite what he had led himself to suppose. "

Remember what Roger Mifflin says: "When you sell a man a book, youdon't sell him just three ounces of paper and ink and glue--you sellhim a whole new life. Love and friendship and humour, and ships at seaby night--there's all heaven and earth in a book. "

PENFIELD--"What do you know about Bestseller's new book?"

CRABSHAW--"Nothing at all. I've merely read all the reviews ofit. "--_Life_. 

MANAGER--"Can't you find some way to make yourself busy around here?"

BOOKISH NEW SALESMAN--"Milton, in his 'Sonnet on Blindness, ' says:'They also serve who only stand and wait. '"

MANAGER--"Yes, but you must keep in mind that Milton's most famousbook was about a fellow that lost his job and went to hades. "

"What do you think of my library?"

"I was just looking it over and I notice that you were visited by thesame book agents who landed me. "

 "There's a fellow outside with a volume of poems (The title, I think is 'The Beautiful Gnomes'), He says it's the best of poetical tomes. " "I'll see him next Christmas, " the publisher said. 

 "There's a gentleman waiting to tell you about A novel of his, which, without any doubt (So he says), will make critics with happiness shout. " "Oh, tell him I'm ill or rheumatic--or dead. "

 "There's also a lady who's just come away From Russia; she says that the Reds are at bay, And she's willing to write it at so much a day. " "I've just left for Portugal, China and Mars. "

 "And then there's a bookseller--looks like a gink-- From somewhere out West; Indiana, I think. I'll tell him you're out buying authors a drink. " "A bookseller? In with him! Boy, the cigars!"

 --_Edward Anthony_. 

CANVASSER--"May I have a few minutes of your time?"

PROSPECT--"Yes, if you will be brief. What can I do for you; I'm a manof few words. "

CANVASSER--"Just the man I'm looking for, my specialty isdictionaries. "

BOOMERANGS

_See_ Repartee; Retaliation. 

BOOSTING

 Boost your city, boost your friend, Boost the lodge that you attend. Boost the street on which you're dwelling, Boost the goods that you are selling. Boost the people 'round about you, They can't get along without you, But success will quicker find them, If they know that you're behind them. Boost for every forward movement, Boost for every new improvement, Boost the man for whom you labor, Boost the stranger and the neighbor. Cease to be a chronic knocker, Cease to be a progress blocker. If you'd make your city better Boost it to the final letter. 

 Boost, and the world boosts with you, Knock, and you're on the shelf, For the world gets sick of the one who'll kick And wishes he'd kick himself. Boost, for your own achievements, Boost for the things sublime, For the one who is found on the topmost round, Is the Booster every time. 

It takes no more time to boost a man than it does to knock him--andthink how much pleasanter for everybody. 

BORROWERS

Mr. Tucker had unexpectedly come face to face with Mr. Cutting, fromwhom he had frequently borrowed money. 

"Er--aw--what was the denomination of the bill you loaned me?" heasked nervously. 

"Episcopalian, I guess, " said Mr. Cutting. "At any rate, it keeps Lentvery well. "

"There's a friend in the outer office waiting for you, sir. "

"Here, James, take this $10 and keep it till I come back. "

ED--"Have you forgotten you owe me five dollars?"

NED--"No, not yet. Give me time, and I will. "

Jenkins was always trying to borrow money, and his friends had begunto avoid him. 

One morning he tackled an acquaintance in the street before the latterhad a chance to escape. 

"I say, old man, " began Jenkins, "I'm in a terrible fix. I want somemoney badly, and I haven't the slightest idea where on earth I'm goingto get it from. "

"Glad to hear it, my boy, " returned the other promptly. "I was afraidthat you might have an idea you could borrow it from me. "

One of the shrewd lairds of Lanarkshire had evidently experienced thedifficulties of collecting money lent to friends. 

"Laird, " a neighbor accosted him one morning, "I need twenty poonds. If ye'll be guid enough to tak ma note, ye'll hae yere money back aginin three months frae the day. "

"Nae, Donald, " replied the laird, "I canna do it. "

"But, laird, ye hae often done the like fer yere friends. "

"Nae, mon, I canna obleege ye. "

"But, laird--"

"Will ye listen to me, Donald? As soon as I took yere note ye'd drawthe twenty poonds, would ye no?"

Donald could not deny that he would. 

"I ken ye weel, Donald, " the laird continued, "and I ken that inthree months ye'd nae be ready to pay me ma money. Then, ye ken, we'dquarrel. But if we're to quarrel, Donald, I'd rather do it noo, when Ihae ma twenty poonds in ma pocket. "

ASKER--"Could you lend me a V?"

TELLIT--"No, I couldn't. "

ASKER--"Have you a friend that would lend me a V?"

TELLIT--"No. I have not a friend to spare. "

"Has Owens ever paid back that $10 you loaned him a year ago?"

"Oh, yes; he borrowed $25 more from me last week and only took $15. "

An Oriental story tells us of a man who was asked to lend a rope to aneighbor. His reply was that he was in need of the rope just then. 

"Shall you need it a long time?" asked the neighbor. 

"I think I shall, " replied the owner, "as I am going to tie up somesand with it. "

"Tie up sand!" exclaimed the would-be borrower. "I do not see how youcan do that!"

"Oh, you can do almost anything with a rope when you do not want tolend it, " was the reply. 

MISS PRITTIKID--"But, father, he is a man you can trust. "

HER PA--"Gracious, girl; what I want is one I can borrow from. "

BOSTON

MR. PENN--"They say the streets in Boston are frightfully crooked. "

MR. HUBB--"They are. Why, do you know, when I first went there I couldhardly find my way around. "

"That must be embarrassing. "

"It is. The first week I was there I wanted to get rid of an old catwe had, and my wife got me to take it to the river a mile away. "

"And you lost the cat all right?"

"Lost nothing! I never would have found my way home if I hadn'tfollowed the cat!"

Owing to the war a distinguished Boston man, deprived of his summertrip to Europe, went to the Pacific coast instead. Stopping off atSalt Lake City, he strolled about the city and made the acquaintanceof a little Mormon girl. 

"I'm from Boston, " he said to her. "I suppose you do not know whereBoston is?"

"Oh, yes, I do, " answered the little girl eagerly. "Our Sunday-schoolhas a missionary there. "

The motorist was a stranger in Boston's streets. It was evening. A manapproached. 

"Sir, " said he, "your beacon has ceased its functions. "

"What?" gasped the astonished driver. 

"Your illuminator, I say, is shrouded in unmitigated oblivion. "

"I don't quite--"

"The effulgence of your irradiator has evanesced. "

"My dear fellow, I--"

"The transversal ether oscillations in your incandenser have beendiscontinued. "

Just then a little newsboy came over and said:

"Say, mister, yer lamp's out!"

Senator Hoar used to tell with glee of a Southerner just home fromNew England who said to his friend, "You know those little white roundbeans?"

"Yes, " replied the friend; "the kind we feed to our horses?"

"The very same. Well, do you know, sir, that in Boston the enlightenedcitizens take those little white round beans, boil them with molassesand I know not what other ingredients, bake them, and then--what doyou suppose they do with the beans?"

"They--"

"They eat 'em, sir, " interrupted the first Southerner impressively;"bless me, sir, they eat 'em!"

The newly married couple had gone West to live, and as the Christmasseason drew nigh she became homesick. 

"Even the owls are different here, " she sighed. 

"And how is that?" he asked. 

"Here they say 'To-hoot-to-who, ' and in Boston they say'To-hoot-to-whom. '"

"Lay down, pup. Lay down. That's a good doggie. Lay down, I tell you. "

"Mister, you'll have to say, 'Lie down. ' He's a Boston terrier. "

"Well, the Red Sox won the world's series. "

"Yes, " said the Boston girl, "we feel very proud of the Red--er--theRed Hose. "

BOY SCOUTS

_A Boy Scout's Will_

I, John W. Bradshaw, pioneer scout of the Wolf Patrol, having attainedthe age of maturity and realizing that my Boy Scout days are numbered, do hereby give, devise and bequeath my scout assets, tangible andintangible, as follows, to wit:

My uniform, pack and equipment, to Larry O'Toole, the son of mymother's laundress, to be preserved for him until he is old enough touse them;

My scout's manual, axe and compass, to George Washington Jackson, 3d, son of my father's handy man, with the admonition that he organize, ifpossible, a troop of scouts among the colored boys of the village;

My strap watch with the "see by night" dial, to Roscoe, my smallbrother, who has wanted it ever since he learned to tell time;

My waterproof match box and hunting knife, to James Fanning, to beheld in trust until he can repeat the Scout Oath;

To all boys in general I bequeath the knowledge that the Boy Scoutorganization teaches obedience, bravery, loyalty, self-respect, kindness, thrift, cleanliness and reverence; that it makes men of itsmembers, and that no boy can possibly go wrong by joining it. 

BOYS

"I see they are making shingles out of cement now. "

"Then I recall my wish to be a boy again. "

One of Theodore Roosevelt's sons, when small, was playing in theWashington streets when a woman recognized him and said she didn'tthink his father would like his playing with so many "common boys. "

"My father says there are no common boys, " replied the youngRoosevelt. 

"He says there are only tall boys and short boys, and good boys andbad boys, and that's all the kinds of boys there are. "

Johnny stood beside his mother as she made her selection from thegreen grocer's cart, and the latter told the boy to take a handful ofnuts, but the child shook his head. 

"What's the matter, don't you like nuts?" asked the green grocer. 

"Yes, " replied Johnny. 

"Then go ahead and take some. "

Johnny hesitated, whereupon the green grocer put a generous handful inJohnny's cap. 

After the man had driven on the mother asked: "Why didn't you take thenuts when he told you to?"

Johnny winked as he said: "'Cause his hand was bigger'n mine. "

 Golly! Let him whistle, mother! He's just boy--that's all. Let him be one while he can: you'll find it pays. Jolly little baby brother! When the shadows fall You'll be wishin' he was back in boyhood days! If you'd been in France and seen All the things that I have seen-- Baby faces that will never Baby faces be again-- Say! You wouldn't check that whistle For a million iron men!

 Lordy! mother, let him holler! He's not hurting anything; And he's carefree as a puppy--just that gay. Dirty shirt, without a collar-- Never was a king Happy as that baby yonder, yelling at his play. Little kiddies over there-- Solemn eyes and tangled hair-- Ten years old? That's still a baby! What he's doin's baby stuff! And the dignity of manhood Will be comin' quick enough!

 Let him yell and squeal and whistle, Rollin' in the sand; Let him have the freedom of the whole back lot. Things that hurt like thorn o' thistle Workin' in your hand You'll be wishin' some time that those things were not! When I think of babies--old From the things that can't be told-- And then look at him a-dancin', Singin', shoutin', in his joy: Don't put out a hand to stop him! Mother--let him be a boy!

William's uncle was a very tall, fine-looking man, while his fatherwas very small. William admired his uncle, and wished to grow up likehim. One day he said to his mother:

"Mama, how did uncle grow so big and tall?"

His mother said: "Well, when uncle was a small boy he was always avery good boy, and tried to do what was right at all times; so God lethim grow up big and tall. "

William thought this over seriously for a few minutes, then said:"Mama, what kind of a boy was papa?"

_See also_ Office boys. 

BRIDES

And men relate that Mrs. Newlywed went to the grocery store to do hermorning marketing. And she was determined that the grocer should nottake advantage of her youth and inexperience. 

"These eggs are dreadfully small, " she criticized. 

"I know it, " he answered. "But that's the kind the farmer brings me. They are just fresh from the country this morning. "

"Yes, " said the bride, "and that's the trouble with those farmers. They are so anxious to get their eggs sold that they take them off thenest too soon!"

"Hello! Is this you, mother, dear?"

"Yes, Sue? What is it? Something awful must have happened for you tocall me up at this--"

"It's not so awful. But, John, dear, hasn't been feeling well and thedoctor gave him pills to take every four hours. I've been sitting upto give them to him, and now it's about time for the medicine, andJohn has fallen asleep. Should I wake him?"

"I wouldn't if I were you. What is he suffering from?"

"Insomnia. "

WIFE--"Oh, George, do order a rat-trap to be sent home today. "

GEORGE--"But you bought one last week. "

WIFE--"Yes, dear, but there's a rat in that. "

"What kind of coal do you wish, mum?"

"Dear me, I am so inexperienced in these things. Are there variouskinds?"

"Oh, yes. We have egg coal, chestnut--"

"I think I'll take egg coal. We have eggs oftener than we havechestnuts. "

BROOKLYN

"Where can I find a map of Brooklyn, old man?"

"There ain't any such thing. No one has ever been able to make one. "

BROTHERHOOD

The brotherhood of man begins with the manhood of the brother. 

To live is not to live for one's self alone; let us help oneanother. --_Menander_. 

We must love men, ere to us they will seem worthy of ourlove. --_Shakespeare_. 

BURBANK

One day Luther Burbank was walking in his garden when he was accostedby an officious acquaintance who said:

"Well, what are you working on now?"

"Trying to cross an eggplant and milk-weed, " said Mr. Burbank. 

"And what under heaven do you expect from that?"

Mr. Burbank calmly resumed his walk. 

"Custard pie, " he said. 

BUSINESS

There are two reasons why some people don't mind their own business. One is that they haven't any mind, the other that they haven't anybusiness. 

"I'm a very busy man, sir. What is your proposition?"

"I want to make you rich. "

"Just so. Leave your recipe with me and I'll look it over later. Justnow I'm engaged in closing up a little deal by which I expect to make$3. 50 in real money. "

A teacher asked those pupils who wanted to go to heaven to raise theirhands. All except little Ikey's hands went up. The teacher asked himif he didn't want to go to heaven and Ikey replied that he had heardhis father tell his mother that 'Business had all gone to hell' andIkey wanted to go where the business had gone. 

The vicar's appeal had been a most eloquent one, and had evenpenetrated the depths of Mr. Blackleigh's granite organ. The lattercame forward and offered £50 for the fund. 

The worthy cleric was overjoyed. 

"I don't know your name, sir, " he cried; "but I thank you from thebottom of my heart. I thank you! May your business prosper, sir!"

Then there was a solemn hush, and the committee looked askance attheir vicar. 

"What's the matter?" whispered the clergyman, turning to the chairman. 

"Well--er--that donor is an undertaker!"

"There is one respect in which a live business man isn't like a tree. "

"What is that?"

"If he remains rooted to the spot, he can't branch out. "

During a campaign preceding the election of a Missouri Congressman itwas suggested that, since he posed as a good business man, he might bewilling to tell just what a good business man is. 

"That's easy, " he explained. "A good business man is one who can buygoods from a Scotchman and sell them to a Jew--at a profit!"

EDITH--"Dick, dear, your office is in State street, isn't it?"

DICKEY--"Yes; why?"

EDITH--"That's what I told papa. He made such a funny mistake aboutyou yesterday. He said he'd been looking you up in Bradstreet. "

FIRST MERCHANT (as reported in the New York "Trade Record")--"How'sbusiness?"

SECOND MERCHANT--"Picking up a little. One of our men got a $5, 000order yesterday. "

"Go away. I don't believe that. "

"Honest he did--I'll show you the cancellation. "

BUSINESS ENTERPRISE

The story of the rival boot-makers, which appeared recently, ismatched by a correspondent of an English paper with another story, equally old but equally worth repeating. It concerns two rivalsausage-makers. Again, they lived on opposite sides of a certainstreet, and, one day, one of them placed over his shop the legend:

"We sell sausages to the gentry and nobility of the country. "

The next day, over the way, appeared the sign:

"We sell sausages to the gentry and nobility of the whole country. "

Not to be outdone, the rival put up what he evidently regarded as afinal statement, namely:

"We sell sausages to the King. "

Next day there appeared over the door of the first sausage-maker thesimple expression of loyalty:

"God save the King. "

"Biddy, " remarked the newly wed Irishman, "go down and feed the pigs. "

"Faith and I will not, " replied the bride. 

"Don't be after contradicting me, Biddy, " retorted the husband. "Haven't I just endowed you with all my worldly goods, and if you cannot feed your own property, then it's ashamed of you I am. "

This was a new point of view, so off Biddy went. 

Presently she returned. 

"Have you fed the pigs, Biddy?" demanded her husband, sternly. 

"Faith, and I have not, " she answered. "I have done a great dealbetter. As they were my property I have sold them, and shall not bebothered with them again. "

A business man advertised for an office boy. The next morning therewere some fifty boys in line. He was about to begin examining theapplicants when his stenographer handed him a card on which wasscribbled:

"Don't do anything until you see me. I'm the last kid in line, but I'mtelling you I'm there with the goods. "

In one of the back streets in Philadelphia is a little jewelry storewhich is making progress--witness this incident:

"What's the price of nickel alarm clocks?"

"Dwenty-fife cends. "

"What! Why, how's that? Last week you told my son they were a dollar. "

"Yaw, dat is so. Listen: You are a good frien', so I tol' you. Ven Ihat some I sells him for von tollar. Now I ain'd got none I sells himfor dwendy-fife cents. Dot makes me a rebutation for cheabness, und Idon't lose noddings!"

_Commercialomania_

PROFITEER--"One million is the price of a gram of radium!"

HIS PARTNER--"And we never thought of trying to sell any!"

An enterprising young florist, in order to increase his trade, displayed this sign in his window:

"We give a packet of flower seeds with every plant. "

His competitor across the street promptly sought to meet thecompetition by placing in his window the following announcement:

"We give the earth with every plant. "

A very small but live boy applied to a great merchant for a job. 

The great man sized him up with twinkling eyes, for the one situationopen needed a bigger parcel of human experience, and asked whatposition he wanted. 

"A chance to grow up in the business, Mister. "

"Well, we are more or less being depopulated by the drafts. What isyour motto, my son?"

"The same as yours, " was the ready answer. 

"What do you mean?" asked the puzzled merchant. 

"Why, on the door there--'Push. '"

He got the job of keeper of that very door. 

The proprietors of two rival livery-stables, situated alongside eachother in a busy street, have been having a lively advertising duellately. 

The other week one of them stuck up on his office window a long stripof paper, bearing the words:

"Our horses need no whip to make them go. "

This bit of sarcasm naturally caused some amusement at the expense ofthe rival proprietor, but in less than an hour he neatly turned thetables by pasting the following retort on his own window:

"True. The wind blows them along!"

A group of farmers were complaining of the potato bugs' ravages. 

"The pests ate my whole potato crop in two weeks, " said one farmer. 

"They ate my crop in two days, " said a second farmer, "and then theyroosted on the trees to see if I'd plant more. "

A drummer for a seed house cleared his throat. 

"Gents, " he said, "all that's very remarkable. Let me tell you, though, what I saw in our own store. I saw a couple of potato bugsexamining the books about a week before planting time to see who hadbought seed. "

UNFORTUNATE PEDESTRIAN (who has been knocked down and dazed)--"Wheream I? Where am I?"

ENTERPRISING HAWKER--"'Ere y'are, sir--map of London, onepenny. "--_Punch_. 

 _Why He Was Not Promoted_

 He watched the clock. He was always grumbling. He was never at the office on time. He asked too many questions. His stock excuse was "it isn't necessary. " He wasn't ready for the next step. He did not put his heart in his work. He learned nothing from his blunders. He chose his friends among his inferiors. He ruined his ability by half-doing things. He never acted on his own judgment. He did not think it worth while to learn how. He imitated the habits of other men who could stand more than he could. He did not learn that the best part of his salary was not in his pay envelope. He didn't have to. He was the President of the Company. 

 --G. M. 

BUSINESS ETHICS

Johnny was at the grocery store. 

"I hear you have a little sister at your house, " said the grocer. 

"Yes, sir, " said Johnny. 

"Do you like that?" was queried. 

"I wish it was a boy, " said Johnny, "so I could play marbles with him, and baseball. "

"Well, " said the storekeeper, "why don't you exchange your littlesister for a boy?"

Johnny reflected for a minute; then he said sorrowfully:

"We can't now; it's too late. We've used her four weeks. "

A Priest in Ireland went to Rome, and a number of his parishionersasked him to buy things for them. Some gave him the cash; others didnot. When he returned, he brought the articles for those who paid forthem in advance. When the others complained, he said, with a wink:

"While I was at sea I got out all the commissions and spread them onthe deck. On the papers of those who had given me the coin I put themoney. The others had nothing to weight them down. A squall of windcame up. It blew all the unweighted papers into the sea! So the oneswho gave me the money got what they asked me to get. The others mustask Father Neptune for theirs. "

A New York lawyer had in his employ an office-boy who was addicted tothe bad habit of telling in other offices what happened in that ofhis employer. The lawyer found it necessary to discharge him, but, thinking to restrain him from a similar fault in the future, hecounseled the boy, on his departure, in this wise:

"Tommy, you must never hear anything that is said in the office. Dowhat you are told, but turn a deaf ear to conversation that does notinclude you. "

This struck the boss as such a happy inspiration that, to the end thathis stenographer might learn the same lesson, he turned to her andsaid:

"Miss Jones, did you hear what I said to Tommy?"

"No, sir, " she returned, promptly. 

The firm of Hansen & Fransen was started in wartime and did very wellfor a couple of years. But last year things were on the down grade, and the other day, when the two partners had finished making up theirnone-too-good record for the year, Hansen said: "This would makeanyone thoughtful. Now that the good times are over, how about alittle honest business?"

"No, thanks, " said Fransen. "I never indulge in experiments. "

"There are no more enterprising young men. Why, I remember when it wasa common thing for a young man to start out as a clerk and in a fewyears own the business. "

"Yes, but cash-registers have been invented since. "

The junior partner was harried. 

"I shall have to get another typist, " he lamented. "Miss Take iscontinually interrupting my dictation to ask how to spell a word. "

"Dear, dear!" said the senior partner. "That seems a great waste oftime. "

"It's not that I mind, " responded the other. "But it's so bad fordiscipline to keep on saying, 'I don't know'!"

_How Business Men Keep Their Spirits Up_

"Cancel my order at once, " came the telegram to the factory. The ownerperpetrated the only new joke in the millennium. His telegram in replyread: "Your order cannot be cancelled at once. You must take yourturn. "

CUSTOMER--"Gee, this is a rotten cigar!"

SHOPKEEPER--"Well, don't complain. You've only got one of them--I'vegot ten thousand of the darn things. "--_Life_. 

EMPLOYEE--"I don't like your methods of doing business, Mr. Grafton. Iresign. "

"PRACTICAL" BUSINESS MAN (sneeringly)--"You're a holier-than-thou guy, eh?"

EMPLOYEE--"No; merely a square peg in a crooked hole. "--_Puck_. 

A New York lawyer tells of a conversation that occurred in hispresence between a bank president and his son who was about to leavefor the West, there to engage in business on his own account. 

"Son, " said the father, "on this, the threshold of your business life, I desire to impress one thought upon your mind: Honesty, ever andalways, is the policy that is best. "

"Yes, father, " said the young man. 

"And, by the way, " added the gray-beard, "I would advise you to readup a little on corporation law. It will amaze you to discover how manythings you can do in a business way and still be honest. "

"Dod-burn the luck!" snarled old Gideon Cronk, glaring at the clock. "That confounded bank is closed! That's a thunderin' pretty howdy-do!"

"Well, you've set round the stove here foolin' with the checkerboardall the afternoon and let the bank close on you, " returned thelandlord of the tavern, "What you kickin' about anyhow?"

"I demand that a public institution shall accommodate its patrons;that's what!"

"Can't you cash your check in the mornin'?"

"I ain't got no check. But if I had one I'd want to cash it whenI wanted to, wouldn't I? Well, it's the principle of the thing I'mtalkin' about!"

 BUSINESS WOMEN

 Kate's running a tobacco-shop, Jane draws a wage from carpentry, And Amaryllis' patent mop Defies domestic anarchy; Marie's so capable that she Keeps foundry laborers from strife; She heads a motor company-- But where am I to find a wife?

 Eradne's made a wondrous top That's famed from Maine to Italy; While Wanda's jointed rabbits hop Through every modern nursery; May has a mock canteen, where tea Is served to sound of drum and fife, Grace reaps from etymology-- But where am I to find a wife?

 Maud's raising a world-famous crop Where honors tie 'twixt bean and pea; At Daisy's restaurant each chop Would rouse a Muse from apathy; Babette's a broker, who must be Where rumors anent stocks are rife; They're all most useful, I agree-- But where am I to find a wife?

 I do not know on land or sea, A girl who'd stay at home with me-- In any varied walks of life. So how am I to find a wife! _Charlotte Becker_. 

CAMPAIGNS

_See_ Public Speakers. 

CANDIDATES

TED--"So you think I'm wasting my time making love to that rich girl?"

NED--"You have about as much chance of winning as a landlord runningfor office on a dry ticket. "

THE HEELER--"Well, I see that Jimpson, them reformers' candidate f'rMayor, is goin' t' have all his meetin's opened with prayer. "

THE BOSS--"Good! That means he knows he's licked!"

"What do you think of the candidates?"

"Well the more I think of them the more pleased I am that only one ofthem can get in. "

_See also_ Politicians. 

CANDOR

"How is your wife this morning, Uncle Henry?"

"Well, I dunno. She's failin, dretful slow. I do wish she'd git well, or somethin'. "--_Puck_. 

Candor may be considered as a compound of justice and the love oftruth. --_J. Abercrombie_. 

Candor is the seal of a noble mind, the ornament and pride of man, thesweetest charm of woman, the scorn of rascals and the rarest virtue ofsociability. --_Bentsel-Sternau_. 

 'Tis great--'tis manly to disdain disguise, It shows our spirit, or it proves our strength. --_Young_. 

STATISTICIAN (on the platform)--"These are not my figures, ladies andgentlemen; they are the figures of a man who knows what he is talkingabout. "

CAPITAL AND LABOR

WILLIE--"Paw, what is the difference between capital and labor?"

PAW--"Well, the money you lend represents capital, and getting it backrepresents labor, my son. "

If you divorce capital from labor, capital is hoarded, and laborstarves. --_Daniel Webster_. 

CARD INDEX

MINING-STOCK PROMOTER--"Where can I hide? The police are coming!"

CHIEF CLERK--"Get into the card-index case. I defy any one to findanything in there. "--_Judge_. 

CARELESSNESS

Care may kill people, but don't care kills more. 

The editor in charge of the Personal Inquiry column opened hisseventieth letter with a groan. 

"I have lost three husbands, " a lady reader had written, confidentially, "and now have the offer of a fourth. Shall I accepthim?"

The editor dipped his pen in the ink. This was the last straw. 

"If you've lost three husbands, " he wrote, "I should say you are muchtoo careless to be trusted with a fourth. "

CATALOGING

One of the best examples of the humors of cataloging comes inSonnenschein's "Best Books, " volume one, page 121, where Prof. HenryPreserved Smith's well-known Old Testament History appears thus:

_Smith, Prf. Hy. _ "Preserved O. T. History. "

CAUSE AND EFFECT

It was in one of the social settlements conducted by persons of aphilanthropic turn of mind. The young kindergarten teacher, havingfinished the morning's talk on hygiene and sanitation, wished to makea practical application of the lesson. Turning to one little youngsterwhose face, hands and whole appearance bespoke the crying need of soapand water, she asked:

"Izzy, when the house gets all mussed up and dirty, what does motherdo?"

"We move. "

LITTLE BOY--"A penn'orth each of liniment and liquid cement, please. "

CHEMIST--"Are they both for the same person, or shall I wrap them upseparately?"

LITTLE BOY--"Well, I dunno. Muvver's broke 'er teapot, so she wantsthe cement, but farver wants the liniment. 'E's what muvver broke 'erteapot on. "

An old farmer and his wife drove to market one very wet day when largepools of water had formed in the roadway between the farm and thetown. On the return journey he met an old friend. 

"And how are you today?" was the friendly greeting. 

"Very well, thank you, " answered the farmer. 

"How is the missus?" continued the friend. 

"Fine, " answered the farmer. "She's behind there"--jerking his thumbtoward the back of the wagon. 

"She's not there!" exclaimed the astonished friend. 

The old farmer turned and looked over his shoulder. Then he coollyreplied:

"Humph! That accounts for the splash. "

CAUTION

A small boy, who was sitting next to a very haughty woman in crowdedcar, kept sniffling in a most annoying way, until the woman couldstand it no longer. 

"Boy, have you got a handkerchief?" she demanded. 

The small boy looked at her for a few seconds, and then in a dignifiedtone, came the answer. 

"Yes, I 'ave, but I don't lend it to strangers. "

CHARACTER

Do not tell me the books you have read; let me glean it from yourconversation. Do not tell me of the people you associate with; let meobserve it by your manners. --_Emerson_. 

HOWELL--"What sort of a fellow is he?"

POWELL--"He can make two lemons grow where only one grew before andthen hand them both to you when you are not looking. "--_Judge_. 

To those who know thee not, no words can paint! And those who knowthee, know all words are faint!--_Hannah More_. 

 _The Stuff That Counts_

 The test of a man is the fight he makes, The grit that he daily shows: The way he stands on his feet and takes Fate's numerous bumps and blows, A coward can smile when there's naught to fear, When nothing his progress bars, But it takes a man to stand and cheer While some other fellow stars. 

 It isn't the victory, after all, But the fight that a brother makes; The man who, driven against the wall, Still stands up erect and takes The blows of fate with his head held high, Bleeding and bruised, and pale. Is the man who'll win in the by and by, For he isn't afraid to fail. 

 It's the bumps you get and the jolts you get And the shocks that your courage stands. The hours of sorrow and vain regret, That prize that escapes your hands That test your mettle and prove your worth; It isn't the blows you deal, But the blows you take on the good old earth That shows if your stuff is real. 

 --_Robert W. Service_. 

BORLEIGH--"Some men, you know, are born great, some achievegreatness--"

Miss KEEN--"Exactly! And some just grate upon you. "

CHARITY

A tradesman in a certain town put a box outside his shop one day, labeled "For the Blind. " A few weeks afterward the box disappeared. 

"Halloa! What's happened to your box for the blind?" he was asked. 

"Oh, I got enough money, " he replied. "And, " pointing upward to thenew canvas blind that sheltered his shop-window, "there's the blind. Not bad, is it?"

At a Chamber of Commerce dinner a speaker dwelt at great length uponthe suffering people of China. He suggested that all present shouldgive something for them. A small dry-goods merchant arose and said:

"You have made for me a feeling already that something should begiven. I move that we give three cheers for China. "

"I'm sorry that my engagements prevent my attending your charityconcert, but I shall be with you in spirit. "

"Splendid! And where would you like your spirit to sit? I have ticketshere for half a dollar, a dollar and two dollars. "

A physician whose sole fee is the consciousness of doing good. 

CHEERFULNESS

HE--"There's nothing like cheerfulness. I admire anyone who sings athis work. "

SHE--"How you must love a mosquito!"

CHICKEN STEALING

An old negro was charged with chicken-stealing, and the judge said:

"Where's your lawyer, uncle?"

"Ain't got none, jedge. "

"But you ought to have one, " returned the Court. "I'll assign one todefend you. "

"No, sah, no, sah, please don't do dat, " begged the defendant. 

"Why not?" persisted the judge. "It won't cost you anything. Why don'tyou want a lawyer?"

"Well, Ah'll tell yo', jedge, " said the old man confidentially. "Ahwants ter enj'y dem chickens mahself. "

"Is your husband a good provider, Dinah?"

"Yessum, he's a good providah all right, but I'se allus skeered datniggah's gwine er git caught at it. "

"Is dem you-all's chickens?"

"Cohse dey's my-all's chickens. Who's chickens did you 'spose deywas?"

"I wasn' s'posen' nuffin about 'em. But I will say dat it's mightylucky dat a chicken won' come a runnin' an' a waggin' its tail whenits regular owner whistles, same as a dog. "

Rastus had caught Sambo red-handed. 

"Ah'm gwine hab yo' arrested foh stealin' mah chickens, yo' SamboWashin'ton-dat's jess what ah'm gwine to do, " said Rastus. 

"Go ahead, nigguh, " retorted Sambo. "Go ahead and hab me arrested. Ah'll mek yo' prove whar yo' got dem chickens yo'seff!"

JUDGE-"I'm going to fine you five dollars for the chickens you stolethe last two weeks. "

RASTUS-"How'll it be if Ah pays seben-fifty, Jedge? Dat'll pay fob upto an' includin' next Saturday night. "--_Life_. 

A negro soldier was brought up before his superior officer, who said:"Sam, you are charged with stealing a chicken from this Frenchwoman'sfarm. Now, how about it? Have you any witnesses to stand for you?"

"Witnesses?" echoed Sam in surprise. "No, suh, I ain't hab nowitnesses. When I goes chicken stealing I never hab no witnessesaroun'. "

An old colored uncle was found by the preacher prowling in hisbarnyard late one night. 

"Uncle Calhoun, " said the preacher sternly, "it can't be good for yourrheumatism to be prowling round here in the rain and cold. "

"Doctor's orders, sah, " the old man answered. 

"Doctor's orders?" asked the preacher. "Did he tell you to go prowlinground all night?"

"No, sah, not exactly, sah, " said Uncle Cal; "but he done ordered mechicken broth. "

In times of peace Smith might have been an author who had drifted intosome useful occupation, such as that of a blacksmith, but just now heis cook to the Blankshire officers' mess. Smith sent Murphy into thevillage to bring home some chickens ordered for the mess. 

"Murphy, " said Smith, the next day, "when you fetch me chickens again, see that they are fastened up properly. That lot you fetched yesterdayall got loose, and tho I scoured the village I only managed to secureten of them. "

"Sh!" said Murphy. "I only brought six. "

CHILD LABOR

SOUTHERNER--"Why are you Northerners always harping on the childrenemployed in Southern factories?"

NORTHERNER--"Well, for one thing, it detracts people's attention fromthe children employed in ours. "--Life. 

CHILDREN

JOHNNY--"What makes the new baby at your house cry so much, Tommy?"

TOMMY--"It don't cry so very much--and, anyway, if all your teeth wereout, your hair off, and your legs so weak you couldn't stand on them, guess you'd feel like crying yourself. "

A little girl was entertaining the visitors while her mother addedthe finishing touches to her toilet. One of the ladies said with asignificant look: "Not very p-r-e-t-t-y, " spelling the last word. 

"No, " said the child quickly; "but awful s-m-a-r-t. "

It was time for "baby girl" to be in bed, but no amount of coaxingcould get her there. At last her father offered to lie on the bedtill the "sandman" arrived. Off she went "pick-a-back, " and the tiredmother leaned back in her chair with a sigh of content, ready for ahard-earned rest. 

Ten minutes--twenty--half an hour, and she was wondering when herhusband would be down, when all at once she heard a soft, stealthypit-a-pat. Nearer came the steps, and then a little white-robed form, with a tiny finger on her lip, stood in the doorway. 

"Hush, hush, muvver, " she said. "I'se got farver to sleep. "

_Taking a Chance_

Junior was in the habit of coming to the table with a dirty face and, of course, had to be sent away to wash. 

One time his mother, nearly losing patience, said: "Junior, why do youpersist in coming to the table without washing? You know I always sendyou away. "

"Well, " said Junior, meekly, "once you forgot. "

TOMMY (after a thumping)--"You're awful hard on me, ma. "

MOTHER--"That's because you've been very naughty and wicked. "

TOMMY--"Well, gee! You should remember that you didn't die youngyourself. "

"Can your little baby brother talk yet?" a kindly neighbor inquired ofa small lad. 

"No, he can't talk, and there ain't no reason why he should talk, " wasthe disgusted reply. "What does he want to talk for when all he hasto do is yell a while to get everything in the house that's worthhaving?"

Mrs. Jones was getting dinner ready when in came little Fred with ahappy smile on his face. 

"What has mamma's darling been doing this morning?" asked his mother. 

"I have been playing Postman, " replied little Fred. 

"Postman?" exclaimed his mother. "How could you do that when you hadno letters?"

"Oh, but I had, " replied Fred. "I was looking in your trunk up in yourroom and I found a packet of letters tied 'round with a ribbon, and Iposted one under every door in the street. "

A little girl who had visited an Episcopalian church for the firsttime described the service as follows:

"When we went in they were standing up, singing, but pretty soon theysat down and played hide-and-seek. "

"Did what?" asked her mother. 

"Well, of course no one went and hid, but they all covered up theirfaces and counted to themselves. "

 _Training the Other Woman's Child_

 They all sat round in friendly chat Discussing mostly this and that, And a hat. 

 Until a neighbor's wayward lad Was seen to act in ways quite bad; Oh, 'twas sad!

 One thought she knew what must be done With every child beneath the sun-- She had none. 

 And ere her yarn had been quite spun Another's theories were begun-- She had one. 

 The third was not so sure she knew, But thus and so she thought she'd do-- She had two. 

 The next one added, "Let me see; These things work out so differently. " She had three. 

 The fifth drew on her wisdom store And said, "I'd have to think it o'er. " She had four. 

 And then one sighed, "I don't contrive Fixt rules for boys, they're too alive. " She had five. 

 "I know it leaves one in a fix, This straightening of crooked sticks. " She had six. 

 And one declared, "There's no rule giv'n, But do your best and trust to heav'n!" She had sev'n. 

 --_Alice Crowell Hoffman_. 

Tom, the country six-year-old, presenting himself one day in even morethan his usual state of dust and disorder, was asked by his motherif he would not like to be a little city boy, and always be nice andclean in white suits and shoes and stockings. Tom answered scornfully:"They're not children; they're pets. "

_Up-to-date_

KIND STRANGER--"How old is your baby brother, little girl?"

LITTLE GIRL--"He's a this year's model. "

The lawyer was sitting at his desk absorbed in the preparation of abrief. So intent was he on his work that he did not hear the door asit was pushed gently open, nor see the curly head that was thrust intohis office. A little sob attracted his notice, and turning, he saw aface that was streaked with tears and told plainly that feelings hadbeen hurt. 

"Well, my little man, did you want to see me?"

"Are you a lawyer?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I want"--and there was a resolute ring in his voice--"I want adivorce from my papa and mamma. "

"Well, " mused six-year-old Harry, as he was being buttoned into aclean white suit, "this has been an exciting week, hasn't it, mother?Monday we went to the Zoo, Wednesday I lost a tooth, Thursday wasLily's birthday party, Friday I was sick, yesterday I had my hair cut, and now here I am rushing off to Sunday-school. "

A little saying from a seven-year-old girl. 

NEIGHBOR--"How is your mother this morning?"

LITTLE GIRL--"My mother is at the hospital. "

NEIGHBOR--"Why! I did not know your mother was ill. "

LITTLE GIRL--"No, it is my aunt who is ill. "

NEIGHBOR--"What is the matter with your aunt?"

LITTLE GIRL--"She has a bad headache. "

NEIGHBOR--"Why! I did not know any one went to the hospital for a badheadache!"

LITTLE GIRL (looking up quickly with a very interested, bright lookon her face)--"That is not the real reason, I think; they are spellingthings on me. "

A little boy of seven was being scolded in a room adjoining one inwhich his grandma lay ill. He motioned toward grandma's room andquietly said, "Sh--! it's too much for her; it'll wear her out. "

Later, grandma thanked him for his consideration, whereupon hereplied, "Don't mention it, gran; that was fifty-fifty--part for youand part for me. "

George was hampered by a mother whose idea of godliness wascleanliness. Notwithstanding the frequent baths to which he wascondemned George thrived exceedingly. One day a neighbor remarked onhis rapid growth. 

"Yes, " said George, "that's ma's fault--she waters me so much. "

_See also_ Boys. 

CHOICES

The Czar was recently complimenting a soldier, and asked him if hewould rather have 100 rubles or the Iron Cross. 

"Would your Majesty deign to tell me the value of the cross?" inquiredthe private. 

"Oh, it is not worth much intrinsically, perhaps two rubles. "

"Then, your Majesty, I will take the cross and ninety-eight rubles. "

This is an interesting episode, and the most interesting thing aboutit is that it also happened during the Franco-Prussian War, theCrimean War, the Seven Years' War, and the Marlborough campaigns. 

_Eyeball or Highball_

An old Scotsman was threatened with blindness if he did not give updrinking. 

"Now, McTavish, " said the doctor, "it's like this: You've either tostop the whisky or lose your eyesight, and you must choose. "

"Ay, weel, doctor, " said McTavish, "I'm an auld man noo, an' I wasthinkin' I ha'e seen about everything worth seein'. "

OFFICER-"Hang it! you've brought the wrong boots. Can't you see one isblack and the other brown?"

BATMAN-"Sure, but the other pair is just the same. "

"Let me see! How does that old saying go: 'Of two evils alwayschoose--?"

"Always choose the one you haven't indulged in before. "

CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS

Dorothy, who is six, has a playmate younger than herself whose parentsare Christian Scientists. One day she said:

"Mother, do you know that it is better to be a Christian Scientistthan anything else?"

Mother asked "Why?" and Dorothy said:

"Well, Julia has 'splained it to me. If you get cross with anotherlittle girl, and you knock her down, if you are a Christian Scientistyou won't have to apologize to her, because it won't hurt her any. "

_A Mental Error_

The tram-car was hopelessly overcrowded, and several people, whohad achieved the upper deck, were transgressing all regulations bystanding. 

"Now, then, " called out the girl conductor, with emphasis, "you can'tstand on top. "

"Well, " said one literalist, smiling blandly as he peered down thesteps, "we are standing, whether we can or not. "

The girl answered nothing, but promptly pressed a button. The carjumped forward, and the literalist involuntarily took a seat on thefloor. 

"There, " said the girl apparently in complete good humor, quoting thebarrister in a famous play, "you think you can, but you can't. "

A Christian Scientist while walking about the plant met a man doubledup with pain. 

"My man, " he said, "What is the matter?"

"I was out to a banquet last night, " moaned the man, "And oh, how Iache!"

"You don't ache, " answered the apostle of Mrs. Eddy. "Your pain isimagination. It is all in your mind. "

The man looked up in grave astonishment at such a statement and thenreplied in a most positive manner:

"That's all right; you may think so, but I've got inside information. "

CHRISTMAS GIFTS

"Isn't this too absurd?" said the hostess, as she read a letter themaid had handed to her. "I sent Marie Burns the loveliest of bags forChristmas. It had been given to me, I knew, and I had so many I savedit to give away. I suppose we all do those things. "

The guest nodded. 

"Well, here's her letter of thanks, and listen to what she says:

"'Dear Grace: When I gave you that bag three years ago on Christmas Iwas so fond of it I could hardly bear to part with it. So I thankyou most heartily for remembering me this Christmas with my own gift, which I parted with so unselfishly. Cordially yours, Marie Burns. '"

BILL--"I hear that Jones always saves the Christmas presents peoplegive him and gives them back the following year. "

PHIL--"I hope he does that to me. I gave him a quart of brandy in1918. "

Instead of the usual just-before-Christmas letter to Santa Claus, Robbie wrote a prayer letter to God. After enumerating the many andvaried presents he wanted very much, he concluded with: "Remember, God, the Lord loveth a cheerful giver. "

CHURCH

SCOTT--"What is your notion of an ideal church?"

JACKSON--"One that meddles with neither politics nor religion. "

He had been around from church to church trying to find a congenialcongregation, and finally he stopped in a little church just as thecongregation read with the minister:

"We have left undone those things which we ought to have done, and wehave done those things which we ought not to have done. "

The man dropped into a pew with a sigh of relief. 

"Thank goodness, " he said, "I've found my crowd at last. "

HIX--"I understand your Church has sent the minister to Michigan for amonth. "

DIX--"Yes, that's right. "

HIX--"For a vacation, I suppose?"

DIX--"Yes; the congregation decided that we were entitled to one. "

CHURCH ATTENDANCE

"What's the idea of free pews?"

"Well, it gives everyone a chance to stay away from church at aminimum expense. "

_Why They Went to Church_

Mrs. Clogg went to find out where the missionary meeting would beheld. 

Willie Jones went because his mother made him. 

His sister went because she had her hair up for the first time. 

Sadie Williams went to flirt with the Scott boy. 

The Scott boy went to flirt with Sadie Williams. 

James B. Jenkins went because he had done so for fourteen years. 

The sexton went because he had to pump the organ. 

One of the girl ushers in a Flatbush theater had a problem offered herthe other evening. She was showing two women to their seats. 

"Is the show this evening fit for church women to see?" asked one ofthe pillaresses of a Flatbush congregation. 

"I--I don't know, " responded the girl. Then she brightened. "You see, "she said, "I don't have no time to go to church. "

Mr. Dickson, a colored barber in a large New England town, was shavingone of his customers, a respectable citizen, one morning, when aconversation occurred between them respecting Mr. Dickson's formerconnection with a colored church in that place:--

"I believe you are connected with the church in Elm Street, are younot, Mr. Dickson?" said his customer. 

"No, sah, not at all. "

"What! are you not a member of the African Church?"

"Not this year, sah. "

"Why did you leave their communion, Mr. Dickson, if I may be permittedto ask?"

"Well, I'll tell you sah, " said Mr. Dickson, stropping a concave razoron the palm of his hand, "it war just like dis. I jined the church ingood fait; I give ten dollars toward de stated gospill de fus' year, and de church people call me 'Brudder Dickson'; the second year mybusiness not so good, and I gib only five dollars. Dat year the peoplecall me 'Mr. Dickson. ' Dis razor hurt you, sah?"

"No, the razor goes tolerably well. "

"Well, sah, the third year I feel berry poor; had sickness in myfamily; and I didn't gib noffin' for preachin'. Well, sah, arter datdey call me 'dat old nigger Dickson'--and I left 'em. "

CHURCH DISCIPLINE

Two Methodist preachers, one white and the other colored, served ruralcharges in Mississippi which were conterminous. The negro received aconsiderably larger salary than his white brother, who asked him if itwas not his custom to expel his members who failed to pay. "No, boss, "he replied, "we would not like to put the gospel on a money basis. Wegets them to subscribe, and if they don't pay we turns them out forlying. "

CITIZENS

All the talk of hypenated citizenship has evidently had its effectupon a San Francisco youngster, American born, who recently rebelledfiercely when his Italian father whipped him for some misdemeanor. 

"But, Tomaso, " said one of the family, "your father has a right towhip you when you are bad. "

Tomaso's eyes flashed. "I am a citizen of the United States, " hedeclared. "Do you think that I am going to let any foreigner lick me?"

CITY AND COUNTRY

_See_ Country life. 

CIVICS

Mrs. Profiteer was very proud of the stunts they were doing at thesmart private school to which she had sent her daughter. 

"My dear, " she said to her friend, "she's learning civics if youplease. "

"What's civics?" asked the friend. 

"Civics? My dear, don't you know? Why, it's the science of interferingin public affairs. "

CIVILIZATION

 France says it is art. England says it is conquest. America says it is energy. Italy says it is song. Russia says it is work. Japan says it is imitation. Satan says it is his private "movie. "

Nations, like individuals, live and die; but civilization cannotdie. --_Mazzini_. 

The truest test of civilization is not the census, nor the size ofcities, nor the crops; no, but the kind of man the country turnsout. --_Emerson_. 

CLASS DISTINCTIONS

Secretary Hoover said at a banquet: "One difference between Europeand America is that over there they like to keep you in yourplace--stationary, you know, while here we like to see a man rise. 

"The European idea is pretty well illustrated by the remarks ofMuggins. Muggins on his return from the pub one Saturday night, saidto his wife:

"'I believe in manly pride and reasonable ambition, but when SergeantTodd with his cork leg takes to carryin' a cane besides, it looksto me as if he was tryin' to climb out of the station what DivineProvidence sunk him into. '"

CLEANLINESS

"Ma, do I have to wash my face?"

"Certainly!"

"Aw, why can't I just powder it like you do yours?"

General Sherman once stopped at a country home where a tin basin androller-towel sufficed for the family's ablutions. For two mornings thesmall boy of the household watched in silence the visitor's toilet. When on the third day the tooth-brush, nail-file, whisk-broom, etc. , had been duly used, he asked: "Say, mister, air you always that muchtrouble to you'se'f?"

_See also_ Baths and bathing. 

CLERGY

Some time ago a dinner was given in New York at which a well-knownactor, who is something of a freethinker along theological lines, satat the guest-table. When the hour for starting the feast arrived thetoastmaster, a very religious man, discovered that no minister of theGospel was present, tho several had been invited. In this emergency heturned to the actor and asked him to say grace. 

The actor rose, bowed his head, and in the midst of a deep hush saidfervently:

"There being no clergyman present, let us thank God!"

_Horse-power Misrated_

The new minister drove his two-horse rig up to the mountain ranch ofone of his congregation. There had been some difference of opinion asto his qualifications. At the gate he was met by a small boy of thefamily, who was evidently cogitating a matter of deep perplexity. 

"Be you our preacher?"

"I am. "

The boy eyed first the preacher and then the horses, his brow puckeredwith growing perplexity. 

"That's queer, " he drawled. "I hern Dad tell the neighbors you was aone-hoss preacher. "

Ting-a-ling-a-ling!

The Rev. George C. Abbitt took down the receiver and placed it to hisear. 

"Is that the Dickel Liquor Company?" a woman asked. 

Mr. Abbitt recognized the voice as that of one of his parishioners. 

"No, " he replied in stern reproof; "it is your rector. "

Was there a dull thud?

No. 

"Indeed, " said the lady, quick as a flash, "and pray what are youdoing there?"

TEARFUL PARISHIONER (saying farewell to departing minister)--"I don'tknow what we will do when you are gone, Dr. Blank. "

MINISTER--"Oh, the church will soon get a better man than I am. "

TEARFUL PARISHIONER--"That's what they all say, but they keep gettingworse and worse. "

A clergyman was accustomed to use scientific terms which the peopledid not understand. A deputation waited on him with the request thatin the future, whenever he used such terms, he would explain them. 

On the following Sunday he used the word "hyperbole, " and added:

"As agreed on, I beg to explain this word. Were I to say that at thismoment the whole of my congregation are sound asleep, it wouldbe hyperbole; but if I say that one-half are asleep, that is nothyperbole, but the truth. "

The next day the deputation again called to say that the ministerneed not explain technical terms; they'd learn their meaning from adictionary. 

A minister came to the Episcopal church, at Williamsport, Pa. , tospeak. 

"Do you wish to wear a surplice?" asked the rector. 

"Surplice!" cried the visitor. "Surplice! I am a Methodist. What do Iknow about surplices? All I know about is a deficit!"

The Scotch minister rose and cleared his throat, but remained silent, while the congregation awaited the sermon in puzzled expectancy. Atlast he spoke:

"There's a laddie awa' there in the gallery a-kissin' a lassie, " hesaid. "When he's done ah'll begin. "

A clergyman famous for his begging abilities was once catechizing aSunday-school. When comparing himself as pastor of the church to ashepherd, and his congregation to the sheep, he put the followingquestion to the children: "What does the shepherd do for the sheep?"

To the confusion of the minister a small boy in the front row pipedout: "Shears them!"

A small town boasts a female preacher. One day when working in herstudy she heard a timid knock at her door. Answering the summons shefound a bashful young German on the step. 

"Good-afternoon, " the preacheress remarked. "What do you wish?"

"Do der minister lif in dis house?"

"Yes, sir. "

"Yess? Veil, I vant to kit merriet. "

"All right; I can marry you. "

The lady's hair is beginning to silver and the German glanced at it. Then without comment he jammed his hat on his head and hurried downthe walk. 

"Will you be back?" she called. 

"You gits no chance mit me, " he answered. "I don't want you; I haf gotme a girl alreaty. "

A clergyman was spending the afternoon at a house in the Englishvillage where he had preached. After tea he was sitting in the gardenwith his hostess. Out rushed her little boy holding a rat above hishead. "Don't be afraid, mother, " he cried; "he's dead. We beat him andbashed him and thumped him until"--catching sight of the clergyman, headded, in a lowered voice--"until God called him home. "

Two Irish women in the market place of Cork were talking of the newcurate. 

"Arrah, Biddy, " said one, "did ye hear him last Sunday when hepreached on 'Hell'?"

"Faith an' I did that same, and shure he might have been born andreared there, so well did he know all about it. "

An Episcopal rector and a Roman Catholic priest had neighboringchurches and didn't get along very well. After some time, however, they got together and decided to bury the hatchet. 

"For, after all, " said he of the Episcopal faith, "we are both doingthe Lord's work. "

"That is true, " said the priest. "Let us therefore do his work to thebest of our ability: you in your way, " concluded the priest, and thenadded with a twinkle, "and I in his!"

_See also_ Contribution box; Preaching. 

CLOTHING

"I simply can't understand the combination of my wife's clothes. "

"What puzzles you?"

"Well, when she wants to hide anything, she pokes it down her neck, but when she wants to get it again it's always in her stocking. "

_Why They Don't Wear Old Clothes_

Father--Because he never can tell when he might be detained at theoffice on business. 

Brother Bill--Because he has got to look his best in case he meets (a)a certain young lady, (b) her father, (c) her mother, (d) any othernear relative of (a). 

Sister May--Because everybody would know it if she put on one of lastyear's dresses. 

Angela, aged five--Because she has outgrown everything she ever wore. 

Tommy, aged seven--Because he has outworn everything he hasn'toutgrown. 

The Richest Man in Town--Because he can't afford to look shabby. 

The Poorest Man in Town--Same reason. 

The Mayor--Because he is mayor. 

His Chief Rival--Because he hopes to become mayor. 

The President of the Ladies' Federation--Because the newspapers areforever sending photographers after her. 

Mother--Because there's no fun playing the game alone. 

 Where are the clothes of yesteryear-- And of the year before? Bare is the cupboard--shelf and hook; Barren, the garret's cobwebbed nook; Empty, the darksome drawer! Why should they strangely disappear-- All the old clothes of yesteryear?

 Where are the clothes of yesteryear? Easy would be the search. Seek them where duty or pleasure calls; Seek them in learning's classic halls-- Office or club or church. Rich and lowly, alike, appear Wearing the clothes of yesteryear. 

 Honor the clothes of yesteryear, Deal with them tenderly; Don them gladly and make them last, Friends of an opulent era past; Stout may their fabric be! Drink long life to their new career-- Here's to the clothes of yesteryear!

 --_Jennie Betts Hartswick_. 

"I'm afraid these Louis XV heels are much too high for me. Perhaps youhave lower ones--say about Louis X would do, I think. "

 I can not wear the old suit I wore long years ago; It's shiny at the shoulders, My knees and elbows show. But on investigation I Discover this is true: I can not wear the old suit, Nor can I buy a new. 

"Is this the hosiery department?" said the voice over the phone. 

"Yes, " replied the weary saleslady. 

"Have you any flesh-colored stockings in stock?" asked the voice. 

"Yes, " replied the weary saleslady. "Whaddy ya want--pink, yellow, orblack?"

They had been poor all their lives. Then one day Uncle Oscar died, leaving Henry a large sum of money. He cashed the check, hurried home, and threw the whole amount in his wife's lap. "At last, my dear, " hesaid, "You will be able to buy yourself some decent clothes. "

"I'll do nothing of the sort, " sezz she. "I'll get the same kind thatother women wear. "

CLUBS

"A lady, you know, rang up the club the other evening. 

"'Please call my husband to--, ' she began, but she was interrupted. 

"'Your husband ain't here, ma'am, ' said the attendant, blandly. 

"'My goodness gracious me!' the lady exclaimed, 'You're mighty sureabout it, aren't you? And I haven't told you my name yet, either. Look here, mister, how do you know my husband isn't at the club when Ihaven't told you my name?'

"The attendant answered more blandly than ever:

"'Nobody's husband ain't never at the club, ma'am. '"

COAL

There is a New York scientist who is greatly interested in coalmining. He decided to subscribe to a press-clipping bureau, to getevery new slant on coal. He said to the clipping bureau: "I wanteverything you can find about coal. " The first clipping he got was anarticle about a man who was suing his wife for a separation becauseshe hit him on the head with a lump of coal. 

COFFEE

Senator Stone, of Missouri, is a lover of coffee, and unless it isboth strong and good the waiter at restaurant or hotel soon hears fromhim. Recently he took a little trip to Baton Rouge and went into arestaurant for dinner. On raising his cup to his lips he made a wryface and then beckoned to the proprietor. 

"What do you call this stuff?" he asked. 

"Coffee, " meekly replied the man, somewhat surprised. 

"Coffee!" repeated Stone with scorn. "I could put a coffee bean intomy mouth, dive into the Mississippi River from the end of this street, swim 'way up to Vicksburg, and I'll guarantee that any one could bailup much better coffee than this over the entire route!"

COLLECTING OF ACCOUNTS

DRESSMAKER--"I have come to see you sir, about Mrs. Brown's account. "

BROWN (angrily)--"Why don't you see my wife about it and not come tome?"

DRESSMAKER--"I have, several times, but every time I call she doesnothing but order a new gown. "

A young Swede in South Dakota, who had been sent out to collect billsfor the general store, returned with this report:

"Yon Brown, he say he pay when he sell his wheat; Ole Oleson, hesay he pay when he sell his oats; and Yon Yonson, he say he pay inYanuary. "

"In January?" repeated the proprietor, surprised. "Why, he never set adate before. Are you sure he said in January?"

"Veil, Ay tank it bane Yanuary. He say it bane dam cold day when youget your money. "

During an epidemic in a small Southern town every infected housewas put under quarantine. After the disease had been checked, an oldnegress protested vigorously when the health officers started to takedown the sign on her house. 

"Why, Auntie, " exclaimed the officer, "why don't you want me to takeit down?"

"Well, sah, " she answered, "dey ain' be'n a bill collectah neah dishouse sence dat sign went up. You-all let it alone!"

Little Andrew was playing in the yard, in which there is a coop forhis pigeons. All pigeons were inside with the exception of one whichwas walking up and down in front of the door. Andrew ran up to hismother in great excitement and said:

"Mamma, is that one a collector?"

Whereat his mother asked him why. Then Andrew said:

"Well, he can't get in. "

"Hello Millett, " called out a neighbor one morning "I saw you startingaway yesterday morning very early on your fishing trip. Did you haveany luck?"

"Great!" was the reply. "While I was away three collectors called. "

"I wish to see Mr. Jones about a bill. "

"He's away on vacation, sir. "

"Did he leave any address?"

"Yes, sir. For bill collectors it's 'Somewhere in America. '"

MERCHANT: "They say you are very successful with old bills and seldomhave to dun them twice. What's the secret?"

BAD-BILL COLLECTOR: "I am afflicted with insomnia and do my collectingnights. "

A Texas tradesman has this pertinent sign in a conspicuous place inhis store:

 Man is made of dust. 

 Dust Settles. 

 Be a Man!

"Norah, " said Mrs. Dedbeat, from the top of the stairs, "tell that manwho is ringing the doorbell that I am not receiving today!"

The servant girl went to the door and said something to the man; thenshe stepped into the hall and called upstairs:

"I told him you were not receivin' today, ma'am! But he says he ain'tdeliverin', he's collectin'!"

He was running a small provision-store in a newly developed district, and the big wholesale dealers found him very backward in payment ofhis accounts. 

They sent him letter after letter, each more politely threatening thanthe last. Finally they sent their representative down to give him asporting chance. 

"Now, " said the caller, "we must have a settlement. Why haven't yousent us anything? Are things going badly?"

"No. Everything's going splendidly. You needn't worry. My bankers willguarantee me all right. "

"Then why haven't you paid up?"

"Well, you see, those threatening letters of yours were so well donethat I've been copying them and sending them round to a few customersof my own who won't pay up, and I've collected nearly all outstandingdebts. I was only holding back because I felt sure there must be afinal letter, and I wanted to get the series complete. "

_Probably Meant Florida_

"So the doctor told you to go to a warmer climate. What was the natureof the trouble you consulted him about?"

"I went there to collect a bill. "

"Why don't you pay your bills?" angrily demanded the collector, afterhis tenth fruitless call. 

"What?" exclaimed Mr. Dedbete. "Do you imagine I could be sohard-hearted as to deprive you poor fellows of your employment?"

ARTIST--"I'm awfully sorry I can't pay you this month. "

LANDLORD--"But that's what you said last month. "

ARTIST--"You see I keep my word; you can have confidence in me. "

_See also_ Bills; Debts. 

COLLECTION BOX

_See_ Contribution box. 

COLLEGE GRADUATES

"There's a college graduate at the door. He wants a job. "

"What can he do?" asked the self-made man. 

"He says he's pretty good in Greek. "

"Umph! Tell him I haven't sold $1 worth of goods to Greece since I'vebeen in the export business. "

COLLEGE STUDENTS

"I am delighted to meet you, " said the father of the college student, shaking hands warmly with the professor. "My son took algebra from youlast year, you know. "

"Pardon me, " said the professor, "he was exposed to it, but he did nottake it. "

RUPERT--"What did you do with the cuffs I left on the table lastnight?"

ROLAND--"They were so soiled I sent them to the laundry. "

RUPERT--"Ye gods, the entire history of England was on them. "

'07--"You are always behind in your studies. "

'23--"Well, you see, sir, it gives me a chance to pursue them. "

STUDENT (writing home)--"How do you spell 'financially'?"

OTHER--"F-i-n-a-n-c-i-a-l-l-y, and there are two R's in'embarrassed. '"--_Harper's_. 

_See also_ Degrees. 

COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES

SOPH. --"How does it happen you came to Harvard? I thought your fatherwas a Yale man. "

FRESH. --"He was. He wanted me to go to Yale; I wanted to go toPrinceton. We had an argument and he finally told me to go toH----. "--_Yale Record_. 

 _On The Aristocracy of Harvard_

 I come from good old Boston, The home of the bean and the cod; Where the Cabots speak only to Lowells, And the Lowells speak only to God!

 --_Dr. Samuel G. Bushnell_. 

 _On the Democracy of Yale_

 Here's to the town of New Haven, The home of the truth and the light; Where God speaks to Jones in the very same tones, That he uses with Hadley and Dwight!

 --_Dean Jones_. 

COMMITTEE

BOBBIE--"What is a committee, pa?"

FATHER--"A committee, my son, is something which takes a week to dowhat one good man can do in an hour. "

COMMON SENSE

A farmer, just arrived in town, was walking across the street andhappened to notice a sign on a hardware store, "Cast Iron Sinks. "

He stood for a minute and then said, "Any fool knows that. "

Common sense is in spite of, not because of age. --_Lord Thurlow_. 

Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius. --_H. W. Shaw_. 

COMMUNISM

We were talking to our friend O'Doul about politics, and he was calmenough until somebody announced himself "a violent radical. "

"I can stand for Socialism--a little of it, anyway, " said O'Doulfiercely; "but it's this Communism that makes me mad; I'm not going tostand for any form of government under which a man can come up to meand say, 'O'Doul, there are too many men just like you in New York. You go out and live in Columbus. '"

A--"Your communism is stupid. If everything were divided today, in avery short time your portion would be gone. What then?"

B--"Divide again!"

COMMUTERS

Stationed at the Mont Sec observation post, near St. Mihiel, a Frenchsoldier was showing the scenery to a doughboy. 

"I have been in this section ever since the beginning of the war, " hesaid. "Back there is Commercy, where my home is. "

"I suppose you get home once in a while?" said the doughboy. 

"Nearly every week, " was the response. 

"Hell, " said the doughboy, thinking of his own home in South Bend, Ind. Then, calling to a comrade, he added: "Hey, buddie; here's a guywhat commutes to the war!"

FIRST COMMUTER--"Do you have to take such an early train as this?"

SECOND COMMUTER--"No. But I find the earlier the train the lesseverybody cares to talk. "

COMPARISONS

MR. JOHNSON (indignantly)--"Now see here, yo'! Dat's twice yo' calledme Jackson! If yo' don't know no moah dan to confuse me wif datwall-eyed, knock-kneed, bandy-legged, fiat-footed, paraletic niggerJackson, we'll call dis game right here!"

MR. PERSIMMONS--"'Scuse me, Johnson-'scuse me! Don't draw a razor onme like Jackson did de other night wen I called him Johnson. Yo'two fellahs ain't such a much alike 'cept in youah looks an generalcharacteristics. Dat's all. "

It is said that Mr. Asquith has only once been known to laugh outrightwhen on a public platform. The record-making occasion was at apolitical meeting in Scotland. The Premier was constantly beinginterrupted, one of the chief hecklers being a farmer wearing a largestraw hat. Suddenly from someone in the hall came a very personalremark concerning Mr. Asquith. 

"Who said that?" he demanded, quickly. 

There was sudden silence. Then a man in the audience stood up, and, pointing to the farmer with the straw hat, shouted:

"It was him wi' the coo's breakfast on his head!"

The reply was altogether too much for Mr. Asquith, and he had to joinin the general roar of laughter. 

COMPENSATION

"There's a bright side to everything. "

"To those high food prices?"

"Certainly. Think of the cases of indigestion they have cured. "

A little girl who had been out walking with her aunt heard the lattercomplaining that her feet were tired. "My feet get tired too, whenI go out walking, " said the small maiden, "but I always think what anice ride my stomach has been having. "

"Anyhow, there's one advantage in having a wooden leg, " said theveteran. 

"What's that?" asked his friend. 

"You can hold your socks up with thumb-tacks. "

COMPETITION

The clergyman's eloquence may have been at fault, still he feltannoyed to find that an old gentleman fell asleep during the sermon ontwo consecutive Sundays. So, after service on the second week, he toldthe boy who accompanied the sleeper that he wished to speak to him inthe vestry. 

"My boy, " said the minister, when they were closeted together, "who isthat elderly gentleman you attend church with?"

"Grandpa, " was the reply. 

"Well, " said the clergyman, "if you will only keep him awake during mysermon, I'll give you a nickel each week. "

The boy fell in with the arrangement, and for the next two weeks theold gentleman listened attentively to the sermon. The third week, however, found him soundly asleep. 

The vexed clergyman sent for the boy and said: "I am very angry withyou. Your grandpa was asleep again today. Didn't I promise you anickel a week to keep him awake?"

"Yes, " replied the boy, "but grandpa now gives me a dime not todisturb him. "

"Yes, " said the specialist, as he stood at the bedside of the sickpurchasing agent, "I can cure you. "

"What will it cost?" asked the sick man, faintly. 

"Ninety-five dollars. "

"You'll have to shade your price a little, " replied the purchasingagent, "I have a better bid from the undertaker. "

COMPLIMENTS

A rector in South London was visiting one of his poorer parishioners, an old woman, afflicted with deafness. She expressed her great regretat not being able to hear his sermons. Desiring to be sympatheticand to say something consoling, he replied, with unnecessaryself-depreciation, "You don't miss much. "

"So they tell me, " was the disconcerting reply. 

"You don't seem to enjoy being referred to as a good loser. "

"No, " replied Cactus Joe. "In the course of time a good loser comes tobe regarded merely as a poor performer. "

_See also_ Tact. 

CONCEIT

The small girl was at the table drawing, and her mother asked her whatthe picture was to be. 

"God, " replied the child simply. 

"But you can't draw God, " protested the mother, "because you havenever seen Him; no one has ever seen Him and no one knows what Helooks like. "

The small girl licked her pencil and put in another touch. "They'llall know when I finish this, " she said. 

A young lady once asked Oscar Wilde to give her a list of the onehundred greatest books ever written. 

"Impossible, my dear, " replied Oscar; "I have only written five. "

CONDUCT

 _I Resolve_

 To keep my health To do my work To live To see to it I grow and gain and give Never to look behind me for an hour To wait in weakness and to walk in power; But always fronting onward to the light Always and always facing toward the right Robbed, starved, defeated, fallen wide astray On with what strength I have Back to the Way. 

 --_Charlotte Perkins Stetson_. 

 _Envoy_

 If I am happy, and you, And there are things to do, It seems to be the reason Of this world!

 Be Noble! and the nobleness that lies In other men, sleeping but never dead, Will rise in majesty to meet thine own; Then wilt thou see it gleam in many eyes Then will pure light around thy path be shed And thou wilt nevermore be sad and lone. 

 --_Lowell_. 

 "To every man there openeth A Way and Ways, and a Way, And the High soul climbs the High Way And the Low soul gropes the Low, And in between on the misty flats, The rest drift to and fro. But to every man there openeth A High Way, and a Low, And every man decideth The Way his soul shall go. "

 --_John Oxenham_. 

Half the joy of life is in "letting go" every once in a while, and, if you let go twice every once in awhile, it seems that you have justthat much more fun. 

When days go wrong, remember they aren't self-starters. 

 I often think that anyone can face A crisis or a crushing tragedy With calm, exalted courage, but the place That needs the greatest strength and energy Is daily grind: to manage just to laugh At all the petty hazards of each day-- To smile, whilst sifting life's wheat from its chaff And strive to see just good along the way. 

 --_Helba Baker_. 

_Promise Yourself_

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. 

To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you meet. 

To make all your friends feel that there is something in them. 

To look on the sunny side of everything and make your optimism cometrue. 

To think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expectonly the best. 

To be just as enthusiastic about success of others as you are aboutyour own. 

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greaterachievements of the future. 

To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and to have a smile readyfor every living creature you meet. 

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have notime to criticise others. 

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble. 

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world--notin loud words, but in great deeds. 

To live in the faith that the world is on your side so long as you aretrue to the best that is in you. 

CONFESSIONS

_Open Confession is Good for the Soul_

Surgeon's instrument case lost in some saloon. Reward. Dr. H. E. Lebel. 1227 Hennepin. 

A certain rector, just before the service, was called to the vestibuleto meet a couple who wanted to be married. He explained that therewasn't time for the ceremony then. "But, " said he, "if you will beseated I will give you an opportunity at the end of the service tocome forward, and I will then perform the ceremony. "

The couple agreed, and at the proper moment the clergyman said: "Willthose who wish to be united in the holy bond of matrimony please comeforward?"

Thereupon thirteen women and one man proceeded to the altar. 

The Irish lad and the Yiddish boy were engaged in verbal combat. Finally the subject came down to their respective churches. 

"I guess I know that Father Harrity knows more than your Rabbi, " thelittle Irish boy insisted. 

"Shure, he does; vy not?" replied the Jewish boy. "You tell himeverything. "

CONFIDENCES

A man got in a cab at a Southern railway station and said: "Drive meto a haberdasher's. "

"Yaas, suh, " said the driver, whipped up his horse and drove a block;then he leaned over to address his passenger: "'Scuse me, boss; whard' you say you wanter go?"

"To a haberdasher's. "

"Yaas, suh; yaas, suh. " After another block there was the sameperformance: "'Scuse me, boss, but whar d' you say you wanter go?"

"To a haberdasher's, " was the somewhat impatient reply. 

Then came the final appeal: "Now, look-a-here, boss, I be'n drivin'in dis town twenty year', an' I ain't never give nobody away yit. Now, you jes tell dis nigger whar't is you wanter go. "

CONGRESS

"How is the law made?" asked the instructor in United States history. 

"Oh, " replied the maiden, cheerfully, "the Senate has to ratify it;and then the President has to--has to veto it; and then the Houseof Representatives has to"--she hesitated for a moment, and knit herpretty forehead. 

"Oh, yes! I remember now, " she said. "The House of Representatives hasto adjourn until the next session!"

"Has this bill been endorsed by the Prohibition party?"

"Yes. "

"And met with the approval of the I. W. W. And the Bolsheviki?"

"Yes. "

"And O. K. 'd by Mr. Hearst?"

"Certainly. "

"Then instruct Congress to pass it as another great measure restoringthe rights of the people. "

CONSCIENCE

Wilson and Wilton were discussing the moralities when the first putthis question: "Well, what is conscience, anyhow?"

"Conscience, " said Wilton, who prides himself upon being a bit of apessimist, "is the thing we always believe should bother the otherfellow. "

A young fellow who was the crack sprinter of his town--somewhere inthe South--was unfortunate enough to have a very dilatory laundress. One evening, when he was out for a practice run in his rather airy andabbreviated track costume, he chanced to dash past the house of thatdusky lady, who at the time was a couple of weeks in arrears with hiswashing. 

He had scarcely reached home again when the bell rang furiously and anexcited voice was wafted in from the porch:

"Foh de Lawd's sake! won't you-all tell Marse Bob please not to go outno moh till I kin git his clo'es round to him?"

Many a man feels that he could be quite comfortable if his consciencewould meet him halfway. 

CONSCRIPTION

He was a homesick colored soldier in a labor battalion, and he saw nochance of a discharge. 

"De nex' wah dey has, " he announced to a friend, "dey's two men datain't goin'--me an' de man dey sends to git me. "

A negro registrant from a farming district was called to service. Arriving in town, he found the local board had moved to anotherstreet. At the new address another negro languished in the doorway. 

"Is dis whar de redemtion bo'd is at?" queried the newcomer. 

"Sho' is, " answered the second. "But de blessed redeemer done gone outfo' lunch. "

Zeb Smith was a drafted man. He saw heavy fighting in France and waswounded. On his return to the United States he was interviewed by onewhose duty it was to interest himself in the men. 

"Smith, what do you intend to do when you are released from theservice?"

"Get me some dependents, " was the instantaneous reply. 

The called-up one volubly explained that there was no need in his casefor a medical examination. 

"I'm fit and I want to fight. I want to go over on the first boat. I want to go right into the front trenches, but I want to have ahospital close, so that if I get hit no time will be wasted in takingme where I can get mended right away, so that I can get back tofighting without losing a minute. Pass me in, doctor. Don't waste anytime on me. I want to fight, and keep fighting!"

The doctor, however, insisted, and, when he got through, reported aperfect physical specimen. 

"You don't find nothing wrong with me, doctor?"

"Nothing. "

"But, doctor, don't you think I'm a bit crazy?"

_See also_ Judgment. 

CONSERVATIVES

_See_ Radicals. 

CONSOLATION

FIRST WALL STREET BROKER--"Anything to do today?"

SECOND WALL STREET BROKER--"Certainly not. "

"Come to a funeral with me. It will cheer you up a bit. "--_Life_. 

CONTENTMENT

Contentment is merely the knack of not wanting the things we know wecan't have. 

Contentment consisteth not in adding more fuel, but in taking awaysome fire. --_Fuller_. 

Contentment travels rarely with fortune; but follows virtue even inmisfortune. --_Leszczinski_. 

To be content with what we possess is the greatest and most secure ofriches. --_Cicero_. 

CONTRIBUTION BOX

"I can na' get ower it, " a Scottish farmer remarked to his wife. "Iput a twa-shillin' piece in the plate at the kirk this morning insteado' ma usual penny. "

The beadle had noticed the mistake, and in silence he allowed thefarmer to miss the plate for twenty-three consecutive Sundays. 

On the twenty-fourth Sunday the farmer again ignored the plate, butthe old beadle stretched the ladle in front of him and, in a loud, tragic whisper, hoarsely said:

"Your time's up noo, Sandy. "

An old colored minister announced that he had invented an automaticcollection basket, which would be passed around by the deacons of hischurch. "It is so arranged, my brethren, " said he, "dat if you drop ina quatah or half dollah it falls noiselessly on a red plush cushion;if you drop a nickel it will ring a bell dat can be distinctly heardby de entiah congregation; but if you let fall a suspender button, mybrethren, it will fiah off a pistol. "

"Father, " said the minister's son, "my teacher says that 'collect' and'congregate' mean the same thing. Do they?"

"Perhaps they do, my son, " said the venerable clergyman; "but youmay tell your teacher that there is a vast difference between acongregation and a collection. "

"My sermon on thrift made a tremendous impression on thecongregation. "

"How do you know?"

"I could tell when I counted the collection. "

"Rastus, how is it you have given up going to church?" asked PastorBrown. 

"Well, sah, " replied Rastus. "it's dis way. I likes to take an activepart, an' I used to pass de collection-basket, but dey's give de jobto Brothah Green, who jest returned from ovah thai-ah. "

"In recognition of his heroic service, I suppose?"

"No, sah. I reckon he got dat job in reco'nition o' his having lostone o' his hands. "

BESS--"Somebody passed a counterfeit dime on Bob a year ago, and hehasn't been able to get rid of it since. "

MAIDEN AUNT (horrified)--"What! Does that young man never go tochurch, then?"

A Scotch minister in need of funds thus conveyed his intentions to hiscongregation:

"Weel, friends, the kirk is urgently in need of siller, and as we havefailed to get money honestly we will have to see what a bazaar can dofor us. "

It is said that the farthing was coined in response to a demand fromScotchmen for a satisfactory coin for the collection box. It's valueis a fourth of a cent. 

A minister was on his vacation in the country. A neighboring churchheard of it and asked him to preach while their own pastor was away. He consented and, on the Sunday when he was to supply, he and his boywalked across the fields to the church. In the vestibule there was abox for voluntary contributions and the minister after feeling aroundin his pocket found fifty cents which he dropped in. After the sermon, the elders came up to express their appreciation for his fine sermonand then remembered they hadn't yet paid him. They generously decidedto give him all the collection for that Sunday and on opening thecontribution box they found exactly fifty cents. The minister acceptedit and went on his way home. After walking some distance the boynoticed his father was very silent evidently pondering over something, so he said, "Father, how much did you get?"

The father replied "Fifty cents, son. "

"Why father, that's just what you put in, wasn't it?" asked the boy. 

"Yes, son. "

Both walked along in silence for some distance further, then the boyspoke up and said: "Father, if you had put more in, you'd have gotmore out, wouldn't you?"

Tight, who had money to burn but was apparently afraid of fire, happened in a church one day when a collection was being taken forforeign missions. Eventually the collector reached Tight, but Tightdidn't make any motions like producing beautiful coin. 

"Pardon me, " said the collector, placing the box before Tight, "we aretaking a collection for foreign missions. Wouldn't you like to add alittle to the amount?"

"No, sir!" was the decisive rejoinder of Tight. "I never give toforeign missions. "

"Then take a little out of the box, " softly responded the collector. "The money is for the benefit of the heathen. "

A church in Kansas was raising funds for a new church and the ministerwas calling on members for subscriptions. One of the pillars of thechurch rose and said: "I subscribe five dollars. " Just at that instanta piece of plaster fell on his head. Half stunned he mumbled "f-f-fivehundred dollars" and the minister prayed "Oh Lord, hit him again. "

CONUNDRUMS

A party of young people were amusing themselves by guessing theanswers to conundrums. One of them asked, "Why is the pancake like thesun?"

"Because it rises in der yeast and sets behind der vest, " was theanswer given by a brilliant young Swede. 

They were discussing that joke about getting down off an elephant. 

"How do you get down?" asked the jokesmith for the fourth time. 

"You climb down. "

"Wrong!"

"You grease his sides and slide down. "

"Wrong!!"

"You take a ladder and get down. "

"Wrong!!!"

"Well, you take the trunk line down. "

"No, not quite. You don't get down off an elephant; you get it off agoose. "

COOKERY

"So your husband kept house and cooked his own meals while you wereaway. Did he enjoy it?"

"He says he did; but I notice that the parrot has learned to swearduring my absence. "

"My husband has had indigestion for the past month. "

"Really! I'm so sorry! I had no idea you were without a cook. "

OFFICER--"Is that soup ready, Jones?"

OFFICER'S SERVANT--"No, sir, the stove went out, sir. "

OFFICER--"Went out! Then why don't you light it again?"

OFFICER'S SERVANT--"'Cos it went out by the roof, sir. "

"How do you like my pound cake, dearie?" asked Mrs. Newlywed. 

"Why, er-er-er, " stammered Mr. Newlywed, "I don't think you pounded itenough, did you?"

She had not been married long. She made a pie for dinner. During themeal she hesitatingly remarked to her husband:

"I think I left out something and the pie isn't very good. "

After taking a bite he sadly replied:

"You are wrong, my dear! Nothing you left out could make a pie tastelike this. It's something you put in. "

COOKS

_See_ Servants

COOPERATION

 It is not the guns or armament Or the money they can pay; It's the close cooperation That makes them win the day; It's not the individual Or the army as a whole But the everlasting team work Of every blooming soul. 

 --_Kipling_. 

CORPULENCE

A very fat old lady who got stuck in the door of a car could getneither out nor in. 

"Sideways, ma'am. Try sideways, " the conductor shouted helpfully. 

"Oh, drat the feller, " panted the old lady. "I ain't got no sideways. "

"Excuse me, madam, would you mind walking the other way and notpassing the horse?" said an English cabman, with exaggeratedpoliteness, to the fat woman who had just paid a minimum fare, with nofee. 

"Why?" she inquired. 

"Because if 'e sees wot 'e's been carrying for so little money 'e'll'ave a fit, " was the freezing answer. 

CORRESPONDENCE SCHOOLS

_The Stamp of Learning_

"Pa, what's a postgraduate?"

"A fellow who graduates from one of those correspondence schools, Isuppose. "

COSMOPOLITANISM

JOE--"'Ere, Curly! You know everything-what's a cosmopolitan?"

CURLY--"Well, it's like this-suppose you was a Russian Jew livin'in England married to a black woman an' you'd just finished a bit ofIrish stew an' was smokin' an Egyptian cigaret, while a Germanband outside was playin' the Blue Bells o' Scotland--you'd be acosmopolitan. "

COST OF LIVING

"He has got the first dollar that he ever earned!"

"What a bally ass! Think how much more he could have bought with ithad he spent it then!"

"She says she prefers to do her shopping by telephone. "

"Why so?"

"Says she can't bear to see how little she is getting for the money. "

"How's business?"

"Not too good--thanks to some dishonest rascals who are selling goodsat reasonable prices. "

"Did you try the simple plan of counting sheep for your insomnia?"

"Yes, doctor, but I made a mess of it. I counted ten thousand sheep, put 'em on the train, and shipped 'em to market. And when I'd gotthrough counting the money I got for them at present prices it wastime to get up. "

"Father, I need a new riding habit. "

"Can't afford it, " he growled. 

"But, father, what am I to do without a riding habit?"

"Get the walking habit. "

In these days of the high cost of living the following story has adecided point:

The teacher of a primary class was trying to show the children thedifference between the natural and man-made wonders, and was findingit hard. 

"What, " she asked, "do you think is the most wonderful thing man evermade?"

A little girl, whose parents were obviously harassed by the questionof ways and means, replied as solemnly as the proverbial judge:

"A living for a family. "

"Why don't you move into more comfortable quarters, old man?"

"I can't even pay the rent on this miserable hole. "

"Well, since you don't pay rent, why not get something better?"

MRS. HOMESPUN--"What'll we contribute to the minister'sdonation-party?"

FARMER HOMESPUN--"Wal, I dunno, Hannar! Taters is 'way up, pork is'way up, fowl is 'way up--we'll save money by giving him money. "

A farmer, the other day, took a plowshare to the blacksmith's to besharpened, and while the blacksmith worked the farmer chuckled andbragged about a sale of hogs he had just made. 

"Them hogs was only eight months old, " he said, "and none too fat, nuther; but I seen that the buyer was at his wits' end, and by skilfuljugglin' I boosted up the price on him just 300 per cent. Yes, by gum, I got three times more for them hogs than I uster get before the war. "

The plowshare being done, the farmer handed the smith 50 cents. 

"Hold on, " said the smith, "I charge $1. 50 for that job now. "

"You scandalous rascal!" yelled the farmer. "What do you mean bytreblin' your price on me? What have you done it for?"

"I've done it, " said the blacksmith, "so's I'll be able to eat some ofthat high-priced pork of yours this winter. "

OLD DAME--"You've had two penn'orth of sweets, my little man, butyou've only given me a penny. "

THE LITTLE MAN--"Yes, but farver says one penny's got to do the workof two in war-time. "--_Punch_. 

"Of course you have your little theory about the cause of the highcost of living?"

"I have, " replied Mr. Growcher: "too many people are trying to makepolitical economy take the place of domestic economy. "

HE--"Yes, I certainly like good food, and always look forward to thenext meal. "

SHE--"Why don't you talk of higher things once in a while?"

HE--"But, my dear, what is higher than food?"--_Life_. 

A certain judge, after passing sentence, always gave advice toprisoners. Having before him a man found guilty of stealing, hestarted thus:

"It you want to succeed in this world you must keep straight. Now, doyou understand?"

"Well, not quite, " said the prisoner; "but if your lordship will tellme how a man is to keep straight when he is trying to make boths endsmeet, I might. "

And another trouble with the country is that too many are trying tosatisfy a bricklayer's appetite on a school-teacher's salary. 

SMALL BOY (much interested in shopman's reason for high priceof eggs)--"But, mummy, how do the hens know we're at war withGermany?"--_Punch_. 

"Don't you object to all this talk about the high cost of everything?"

"Not at all, " replied the profiteer. "It prepares the mind of acustomer for what he may expect and saves argument. "

"How's this, waiter? You've charged me two dollars and a half forplanked steak!"

"Sorry sir, but lumber's gone up again. "

Our Government does not profess to live within its income, but onlywithin ours. 

"Farm products cost more than they used to. "

"Yes, " replied Mr. Corntossel. "When a farmer is supposed to know thebotanical name of what he's raisin' an' the zoological name of theinsect that eats it, and the chemical name of what will kill it, somebody's got to pay. "

_Its Friendly Way_

"How are we to meet the high cost of living?"

"You don't have to meet it, " answered the irritating person. "Itovertakes you. "

"What are the luxuries of life?"

"Things that were necessities two years ago. "

A couple of Philadelphia youths, who had not met in a long while, metand fell to discussing their affairs in general. 

"I understand, " said one, "that you broke your engagement with ClariceCollines. "

"No, I didn't break it. "

"Oh, she broke it?"

"No, she didn't break it. "

"But it is broken?"

"Yes. She told me what her raiment cost, and I told her what my incomewas. Then our engagement sagged in the middle and gently dissolved. "

COUNTRY LIFE

UNCLE EZRA--"So ye just got back from New York! What's the differencebetween the city and the country?"

UNCLE EBEN--"Wal, in the country you go to bed feeling all in and getup feeling fine, and in the city you go to bed feeling fine and get upfeeling all in. "--_Life_. 

Little Mary was visiting her grandmother in the country. Walking inthe garden, she chanced to see a peacock, a bird she had never seenbefore. After gazing in silent admiration, she ran quickly into thehouse and cried out: "Oh, granny, come and see! One of your chickensis in bloom. "

A man living in the heart of London has recently bought a cow, whichhe keeps in his back-yard. Thirty milkmen have already been noticedlooking over the wall to see what a cow looks like. 

Little Betty had been greatly interested in watching the men in hergrandfather's orchard putting bands round the fruit trees and askedmany questions. 

Some weeks later, when in the city with her mother, she noticed agentleman with a mourning band round his left sleeve. 

"Mamma, " she asked, "what's to keep them from crawling up his otherarm?"

A minister, spending a holiday in the North of Ireland, was outwalking, and, feeling very thirsty, called at a farmhouse for a drinkof milk. The farmer's wife gave him a large bowl of milk, and whilehe was quenching his thirst a number of pigs got round about him. Theminister noticed that the pigs were very strange in their manner, sohe said:

"My good lady, why are the pigs so excited?"

The farmer's wife replied, "Sure, it's no wonder they are excited, sir; it's their own little bowl you are drinking out of!"

An enterprising salesman was trying to persuade a farmer to buy abicycle. The farmer was in town for the day, and had determined to seeeverything. 

"I'd rather spend my money on a cow, " said he proudly. 

"But think, " said the salesman, "what a fool you'd look riding abouton a cow. "

"Not half such a fool as I'd look trying to milk a bicycle, " answeredthe farmer. 

"Hiram, " said the farmer's wife, "what makes you say 'By gosh!' somuch and go round with a straw in your mouth?"

"I'm getting ready for them summer boarders that's comin' next week. If some of us don't talk an' act that way, they'll think we ain'tcountry folks at all. "

COURAGE

The swain and his swainess had just encountered a bulldog that lookedas if he might shake a mean lower jaw. 

"Why, Percy, " she exclaimed as he started a strategic retreat. "Youalways swore you would face death for me. "

"I would, " he flung back over his shoulder, "but that darn dog ain'tdead. "

"Who led the army in that recent expedition?"

"I did, " replied General Tamale. 

"I thought the attack was led by General Concarne. "

"It was I who prevented great loss of life. He led them going forward, but I led them coming back. "

A man of courage is also full of faith. --_Cicero_. 

Courage consists not in blindly overlooking danger, but in seeing itand conquering it. --_Richter_. 

Few persons have courage enough to appear as good as they reallyare. --_Hare_. 

Conscience in the soul is the root of all true courage. If a man wouldbe brave, let him learn to obey his conscience. --_Clarke_. 

COURTESY

"How do you like your new music-master?"

"He is a very nice, polite young man. When I made a mistake yesterdayhe said: 'Pray, mademoiselle, why do you take so much pains to improveupon Beethoven?'"

Life is not so short but that there is always time enough forcourtesy. --_Emerson_. 

 How sweet and gracious, even in common speech, Is that fine sense which men call Courtesy! Wholesome as air and genial as the light, Welcome in every clime as breaths of flowers-- It transmutes aliens into trusting friends, And gives its owner passport round the globe. 

 --_J. T. Fields_. 

COURTS

A couple of old codgers got into a quarrel and landed before the localmagistrate. The loser, turning to his opponent in a combative frame ofmind, cried: "I'll law you to the Circuit Court. "

"I'm willin', " said the other. 

"An' I'll law you to the Supreme Court. "

"I'll be thar. "

"An' I'll law to 'ell!"

"My attorney'll be there, " was the calm reply. 

In the course of his examination these questions were put to an oldnegro who was appearing as a witness:

"What is your name?"

"Calhoun Clay, sah. "

"Can you sign your name?"

"Sah?"

"I ask if you can write your name?"

"Well, no, sah. Ab nebber writes mah name. Ah dictates it, sah. "

MAGISTRATE (to prisoner)--"What is your name?"

PRISONER--"S-s-sam S-s-sissons, S-s-sir. "

MAGISTRATE--"Where do you live?"

PRISONER--"S-s-seventy seven S-s-surrey street. S-s-sir. "

MAGISTRATE (to policeman)--"Officer, what is this man charged with?"

OFFICER--"Begorry, yer honor. Oi think he must be charged with sodawather. "

In one of the Brooklyn courts a recent case required the testimony ofa young German immigrant. 

"Now, Britzmann, " said the lawyer for the plaintiff, "what do you do?"

"Ah vos pretty vell, " replied the witness. 

"I am not inquiring as to your health. I want to know what you do. "

"Vork!"

"Where do you work?" continued the counsel. 

"In a vactory. "

"What kind of a factory?"

"It vos bretty big vactory?"

"Your honor, " said the lawyer, turning to the judge, "if this goes onwe'll need an interpreter. " Then he turned to the witness again. 

"Now, Britzmann, what do you make in the factory?" he asked. 

"You vant to know vot I make in der vactory?"

"Exactly! Tell us what you make. "

"Eight dollars a veek. "

Then the interpreter got a chance to earn his daily bread. 

"Uncle Joe Cannon was asked today what he thought of the outlook forthe Republican party in 1916, and he answered with a story. 

"A black man was arrested for horse-stealing while I wasprosecuting-attorney in Vermilion county, " he said, "and was placedon trial after being duly indicted. When his day in court came hewas taken before the judge and I solemnly read the charge in theindictment to him. 

"'Are you guilty or not?' I asked. 

"The black man rolled uneasily in his chair. 'Well, boss, ' he finallysaid, 'ain't dat the very thing we're about to try?'"

JUDGE--"Officer, what's the matter with the prisoner--tell her to stopthat crying--she's been at it fifteen minutes" (more sobs). 

OFFICER--"Please, sir, I'm a'thinking she wants to be bailed out. "

_See also_ Jury; Witnesses. 

COURTSHIP

If he is clean and vigorous, suitable for you and quite perfect inyour opinion; if he is the man you think he is and you want him, don'tput him on a pedestal and worship him as an idol. 

Be sensible. Wrap him around your little finger and get a ring on thenext. 

Mother was out, and Sister Sue was putting on her best blouse, sosix-year-old Bobby had to entertain Sue's young man. As is the waywith his kind, he began to ply the unfortunate caller with questions. 

"Mr. Brown, " he began, "what is a popinjay?"

"Why--er--a popinjay is a--eh--vain bird. "

"Are you a bird, Mr. Brown?"

"No, of course not. "

"Well, that's funny. Mother said you were a popinjay, and father saidthere was no doubt about your being a jay, and Sue said there didn'tseem to be much chance of your poppin', and now you say you aren't abird at all. "

Courtship is a bowknot that matrimony pulls into a hard knot. 

IRATE PARENT--"No, siree. You can't have her. I won't have ason-in-law who has no more brains than to want to marry a girl withno more sense than my daughter has shown in allowing you to think youcould have her. "--_Life_. 

 _The Lover's Farewell_

 "Oh! fare you well, my dearest dear, Oh! fare you well for a while, I go away, but I'll come back again, If I go ten thousand miles. "

 "But who will take me out, " she sighed, "And who will glove my hands, And who will kiss my ruby lips When you are in foreign lands?"

 "Your brother will take you out, " he said, "Your mother will glove your hands, And I will kiss your ruby lips When I return again. "

Will and Mary had been busy courting for over two years, meeting everynight in Hope Street, Glasgow. About a fortnight ago, Will, in partingwith his beloved, made the usual remark:

"I'll meet ye in Hope Street tomorrow nicht. Mind and be punctual. "

"'Deed, aye, Will, lad, " replied Meg, with a merry twinkle in her eye. "We hae met noo a lang time in Hope Street, an' I was jist thinkin'that it was high time we were shiftin' oor trystin'-place a streetfarther along. Whit wad ye say to Union Street?"

MAUDE--"What makes you think his intentions are serious?"

MABEL--"When he first began to call he used to talk about the books Ilike to read. "

MAUDE--"And now?"

MABEL--"Now he talks about the things he likes to eat. "--_Life_. 

"Cheer up, old man! There's other fish in the sea. "

REJECTED SUITOR-"Yes, but the last one took all my bait!"--_Life_. 

NEIGHBOR--"Got much money in your bank, Bobby?"

BOBBY--"Gee, no! The depositors have fallen off somethin' fierce sincesister got engaged. "

"So you want to marry my daughter, eh?" snorted the old man. "Do youconsider yourself financially able to do so?"

"Well, " replied the suitor, "after a fellow has bought candy andflowers for a girl for a year, and has taken her to the theater twicea week and is still not broke, I guess he can afford to get married. "

MR. GOODTHING--"How does your sister like the engagement ring I gaveher, Bobby?"

HER YOUNG BROTHER--"Well, it's a little too small;--she has an awfulhard time getting it off when the other fellows call!"

MR. SLOW (calling on girl)--"You seem rather--er--distant thisevening. "

GIRL--"Well, your chair isn't nailed to the floor, is it?"

_See also_ Love; Proposals. 

CREDIT

FIRST CREDIT MAN--"How about Jones of Pigville Center?"

SECOND CREDIT MAN--"He always pays cash, so we don't know how honesthe is!"

A little girl of eight entered a store in a small town and said:

"I want some cloth to make my dolly a dress. "

The merchant selected some and handed the child the package. 

"How much is it?" she asked. 

"Just one kiss, " was the reply. 

"All right, " said the child as she turned to go, "grandma said to tellyou she would pay you when she came in tomorrow. "

"Them was nice folk you waited on, Mamie, ain't they?" "No, no, dear!Appearances is deceitful. They didn't have no charge-account. Paidcash for everything. "--_Judge_. 

Mr. Butterworth, the grocer, was looking over the credit sales-slipsone day. Suddenly he called to the new clerk:

"Did you give George Callahan credit?"

"Sure, " said the clerk. "I--"

"Didn't I tell you to get a report on any and every man asking forcredit?"

"Why, I did, " retorted the clerk, who was an earnest young fellow. "I did get a report. The agency said he owed money to every grocerin town, and, of course, if his credit was that good I knew that youwould like to have him open an account here!"

A well-known wholesale merchant, who has a wide patronage throughoutthe Piedmont region of the South, received the following letter fromone of his customers a few weeks ago:

"I receive your letter about what I owes you. Now be pachent. I ain'tforgot you and soon as folks pay me I'll pay you, but if this wasjudgment day and you were no more prepared to meet your Maker than Iam to meet your account then you sho going to hell. "

The credit, it may be noted, was extended. 

"Rufus, aren't you feeling well?"

"No, sah; I'se not feelin' well, sah. "

"Have you consulted your doctor, Rufus?"

"No, sah; I ain't don' dat, sah. "

"Why? Aren't you willing to trust your doctor, Rufus?"

"Oh, yes, sah; but de trubble is he's not so alt'gether willin' totrus' me, sah. "

 "My son, " said old man Reddit, "Take this advice from me: The less you use your credit The better it will be. "

CRIME

 Lives of master crooks remind us We may do a bit of time, And, departing, leave behind us Thumb-prints in the charts of crime. --_Life_. 

Fear follows crime, and is its punishment. --_Voltaire_. 

Responsibility prevents crimes. --_Burke_. 

If poverty is the mother of crimes, want of sense is the father. --_LaBruyère_. 

 But many a crime deemed innocent on earth Is registered in heaven; and these no doubt Have each their record, with a curse annex'd. 

 --_Cowper_. 

CRITICISM

 A man must serve his time at ev'ry trade, Save censure; critics all are ready-made. 

 --_Byron_. 

 Damn with faint praise, assent with evil leer, And, without sneering, teach the rest to sneer: Willing to wound, and yet afraid to strike, Just hint a fault, and hesitate dislike. 

 --_Pope_. 

THE ARTIST--"Dubbins, the art critic, has slated my picturesunmercifully. "

HIS FRIEND--"Oh, don't take any notice of that fellow; he has noideas of his own--he only repeats like a parrot what everybody else issaying. "

CULTURE

JIGGS--"Townsen can read three languages. "

TRIGGS--"What are they?"

JIGGS--"Magazines, sporting pages and railroad time-tables. "

HE--"Not quite a lady, is she?"

SHE--"No--but I should say her pearls are 'cultured, '"

That is true cultivation which gives us sympathy with every formof human life, and enables us to work most successfully for itsadvancement. --_Beecher_. 

CURES

_A Testimonial_

DOCTOR--"Did that cure for deafness really help your brother?"

PAT--"Sure enough; he hadn't heard a sound for years and the day afterhe took that medicine, he heard from a friend in America. "

CURIOSITY

"My wife is mourning the loss of a ten-thousand-dollar diamondnecklace. "

"Why don't you advertise a thousand reward and no questions asked?"

"Well, I could make good on the thousand, but I doubt my wife'sability to fulfill the rest of that contract. "

William E. Weber of the First National Bank says a woman came up tohis window the other day with a cashier's check for fifty dollars. 

"What denomination, " asked Mr. Weber in his pleasantest manner. 

"Lutheran, " replied the woman. "What are you?"

CURRENT EVENTS

MRS. BARR--"Henry, what are current events?"

MR. BARR--"Anything shocking, my dear"--_Life_. 

CUSTOM

Foote, the comedian, dined one day at a country inn, and the landlordasked how he liked his fare. 

"I have dined as well as any man in England, " said Foote. 

"Except the mayor, " cried the landlord. 

"I except nobody, " said he. 

"But you must!" screamed the host. 

"I won't!"

"You must!"

At length a petty magistrate took Foote before the mayor, who observedthat it had been customary in that town for a great number of yearsalways to "except the mayor, " and accordingly fined him a shilling fornot conforming to ancient custom. Upon this decision, Foote paid theshilling, at the same time observing that he thought the landlord thegreatest fool in Christendom--except the mayor. 

 To follow foolish precedents, and wink With both our eyes, is easier than to think. 

 --_Cowper_. 

 Custom does often reason overrule, And only serves for reason to the fool. 

 --_Rochester_. 

DACHSHUNDS

An Englishman sat at a New York boarding-house table. One of theboarders was telling a story in which a "dachshund" figured. She wasunable for a moment to think of the word. 

"It was one of these--what do you call them?--one of these long Germandogs. "

The Englishman dropped his fork: his face beamed. "Frankfurters!"

DAMAGES

The conversation turned to the subject of damage-suits, and thisanecdote was recalled by Senator George Sutherland, of Utah. 

A man in a Western town was hurt in a railroad accident, and afterbeing confined to his home for several weeks he appeared on the streetwalking with the aid of crutches. 

"Hello, old fellow, " greeted an acquaintance, rushing up to shake hishand. "I am certainly glad to see you around again. "

"Thanks, " responded the injured one. "I am glad to be around again. "

"I see you are hanging fast to your crutches, " observed theacquaintance. "Can't you do without them?"

"My doctor says I can, " answered the injured party, "but my lawyersays I can't. "

"I have come here, " said the angry man to the superintendent of thestreet-car line, "to get justice; justice, sir. Yesterday, as my wifewas getting off one of your cars, the conductor stept on her dress andtore a yard of frilling off the skirt. "

The superintendent remained cool. 

"Well, sir, " he said, "I don't know that we are to blame for that. What do you expect us to do? Get her a new dress?"

"No, sir. I do not intend to let you off so easily as that, " the otherman replied gruffly. He brandished in his right hand a small piece ofsilk. 

"What I propose to have you do, " he said, "is to match this silk. "

DANCING

The minister was dining with the Fullers and he was denouncing thenew styles in dancing. Turning to the daughter of the house, he askedsternly:

"Do you yourself, Miss Fuller, think the girls who dance these dancesare right?"

"They must be, " was the answer, "because I notice the girls who don'tdance them are always left. "

DAYLIGHT SAVING

"Is your husband in favor of daylight saving?"

"I think so. He stays out so much at night that I think he'd reallyprefer not to use any daylight at all. "

Young Hopeful, who lives in the suburbs, was very much interested inthe adjustment of the time, and on the morning when the clocks hadbeen set back an hour awoke his mother. 

"Mother, mother, " he called from his little bed, "listen to Mrs. Jones' chickens! They must have forgotten to tell them to set theircrow back. "

"Well, yes, " admitted Gap Johnson, of Rumpus Ridge, Ark. , "I've heerdsomething or nuther about setting the clock for'ards or bac'ards forsome reason. I don't prezisely know what. But it don't make no specialdifference at our house one way or tother for the clock runs aboutas it pleases till some of us sorter climb up and set it b'guess andb'gosh as you might say. And if we save or lose an hour or two what'sthe odds? We've got all the time there is anyway. "

Geordie Ryton, the village cobbler, bought two clocks, one agrandfather's. He put it in a corner and placed a small nickel clockon the mantel-shelf. The grandfather's clock has not been altered tothe Daylight Saving Bill's requirements. "Hoo is't, Geordie, " askeda customer, "ye've altered the smaal clock and not the gran'faither'sclock?"

"Wey, " replied Geordie, "they said the gran'faither's clock's beentellin' the truth for ower sixty year, an' Aa can't find it in meheart te make a liar ov it noo. But the little begger wes made inJarmany, so it'll be aal reet, he's as reet as can be for that job. "

"What is worrying you now?"

"Oh, nothing much, " replied the man who is perpetually pensive. "Iam merely trying to figure out what has become of all the daylight Isaved since we set the clocks forward. "

"Jonas, " ordered the farmer, "all the clocks in the house have rundown. Wish you'd hitch up and ride down to the junction and find outwhat time it is. "

"I ain't got a watch. Will you lend me one?"

"Watch! Watch! What d'ye want a watch fer? Write it down on a piece ofpaper. "

DEAD BEATS

_See_ Bills; Collecting of accounts. 

DEBTS

CREDITOR--"You couldn't go around in your fine automobile if you paidyour debts. "

DEBTOR--"That's so! I'm glad you look at it in the same light that Ido. "

HARDUPPE--"I really must apologize for looking so shabby. "

FLUBDUBB--"Oh, clothes don't make the man. "

HARDUPPE--"Still, many a man owes a lot to his tailor. "

"Look 'ere--I asks yer for the last time for that 'arf-dollar yer owesme. "

"Thank 'evins!--that's the end of a silly question. "

A floating debt is a poor life saver. 

"Yes, " said the world traveler, "the Chinese make it an invariablerule to settle all their debts on New-year's day. "

"So I understand, " said the American host, "but, then, the Chinesedon't have a Christmas the week before. "

OKE--"Would you be satisfied if you had all the money you wanted?"

OWENS--"I'd be satisfied if I had all the money my creditors wanted. "

MR. THURSDAY--"Our friend, Dodge, tells me that he is doing settlementwork lately. "

MR. FRIDAY--"Yes, his creditors finally cornered him. "

"How did Cranbury ever manage to get so deeply in debt as he is?"

"I wish I knew. I can't even stand my grocer off for more than a weekat a time. "

RASTUS--"How much, boss?"

DRUGGIST--"Sixty cents and three cents war tax. "

RASTUS--"Boss, Ah done thought de wah was over. "

DRUGGIST--"Sure, it is, but we have to pay the debts. "

RASTUS--"Boss, Ah always thought de one whut lost paid de debts. Dat'swhy I fight so hard. "

"I was preparing to shave a chap the other afternoon, " says a headbarber. "I had trimmed his hair, and from such talk as I had had withhim I judged him to be an easy-going, unexcitable sort of fellow. Butsuddenly his manner changed. Out of the corner of his eye he had seena man enter whose appearance upset him. "

"Hurry, George!" he muttered to me. "Lather to the eyes--quick, quick!Here comes my tailor!"

IRATE FATHER--"It's astonishing, Richard, how much money you need. "

SON--"I don't need it, father; it's the hotel-keepers, the tailors, and the taxicab men. "

_See also_ Bills; Collecting of accounts. 

DEGREES

 "You college men seem to take life pretty easy. " "Yes; even when we graduate we do it by degrees. "

 --_Boston Transcript_. 

Our British cousins seem to think we have peculiar ways of getting ourD. D. 's over here. A London newspaper relates how the congregation of aSouthern church, being desirous of honoring their pastor, wrote to thedean of a certain faculty: "We want to get our beloved pastor a D. D. We enclose all the money we can raise at present. Be good enough tosend one D. Now. We hope to raise sufficient for the other D. By andby. "

DEMAGOG

"Father, " said the small boy, "what is a demagog?"

"A demagog, my son, is a man who can rock the boat himself andpersuade everybody that there's a terrible storm at sea. "

DEMOCRACY

ADKINS--"Well, the world is at last safe for democracy. "

WATKINS--"Just what is democracy, anyway?"

"A democracy is a form of government where one party doesn't do thingsas they ought to be done, and the other party tells how much betterthey would be done if it were in power. "

In his first lecture in New York the visiting English writer and wit, G. K. Chesterton, protested against prohibition and other limitationson American freedom. He quoted the phrase from Patrick Henry'saddress, "Give me liberty or give me death. " Then he said:

"If Patrick Henry could arise from the dead and revisit the land ofthe living and see the vast system and social organization and socialscience which now controls, he would probably simplify his observationand say: 'Give me death!'"

Democracy means not "I am as good as you are, " but "you are as good asI am. "--_Theodore Parker_. 

DENTISTS

"Pardon me for a moment, please, " said the dentist to the victim, "butbefore beginning this work I must have my drill. "

"Good heavens, man!" exclaimed the patient irritably. "Can't you pulla tooth without a rehearsal?"

Dinah had been troubled with a toothache for some time before she gotup enough courage to go to a dentist. The moment he touched her toothshe screamed. 

"What are you making such a noise for?" he demanded. "Don't you knowI'm a 'painless dentist'?"

"Well, sah, " retorted Dinah, "mebbe yo' is painless, but Ah isn't. "

DENTIST--"Open wider, please--wider. "

PATIENT--"A--A--A--Ah. "

DENTIST (inserting rubber gag, towel, and sponge)--"How's yourfamily?"

A young man who needed false teeth wrote to a dentist ordering a setas follows:

"My mouth is three inches acrost, five-eighths inches threw the jaw. Some hummocky on the edge. Shaped like a hoss-shew, toe forward. Ifyou want me to be more particular, I shall have to come thar. "

Dentist, speaking to patient about to have a tooth extracted--"Haveyou heard the latest song hit?"

Patient--"No. What is the title of it?"

Dentist--"The Yanks are Coming. "

Returning home from the dentist's, where he had gone to have a loosetooth drawn, little Raymond reported as follows:

"The doctor told me 'fore he began that if I cried or screamed itwould cost me a dollar, but if I was a good boy it would be only fiftycents. "

"Did you scream?" his mother asked. 

"How could I?" answered Raymond. "You only gave me fifty cents. "

Mr. Harkins had taken his boy, aged ten, to have an offending molartooth drawn. When the job had been accomplished, the dentist said: "Iam sorry, sir, but I shall have to charge you five dollars for pullingthat tooth. "

"Five dollars!" exclaimed Mr. Harkins, in dismay. "Why, I understoodyou to say that you charged only one dollar for such work!"

"Yes, " replied the dentist, "but this youngster yelled so terriblythat he scared four other patients out of the office. "--_Harper's_. 

DEPARTMENT STORES

"I want some shoe-strings, some hairpins, a pair of gloves, and atooth-brush, " the woman said. "I have to catch a train, and have but afew minutes. "

"Yes, madam!" the floorwalker replied briskly. "That's the beauty of adepartment store-get anything you want, right under the one roof! Takeelevator to eleventh floor, shoe department, eight aisles to theright from the main passageway, for shoe-strings; hairpins in notionsdepartment, east side of basement, three aisles beyond hardware;gloves in women's wear, fifth floor of annex, reached by passagewayover street; toothbrush in drugs and toilet-articles department, onbalcony, reached by moving stairway, which you will find on your rightas you pass the fountain in the florist shop in the center of the mainfloor. "

DESTINATION

 Where'er I go, in this far land, The people wish to understand Where I am going. If I knew They would not think my answer true; And if I said I did not know They would advise me not to go. 

The new guard was not familiar with a certain railway run in Wales. Cameto a station which rejoiced in the name Llanfairfechanpwllgogerych. Fora few minutes he stood looking at the signboard in mute helplessness. Then pointing to the board, and waving his other arm toward thecarriages, he called, "If there's anybody there for here, this is it!"

DETECTIVES

HOKUS--"How does Sleuthpup rank as a detective?"

POKUS--"Great. You know, he used to work in the repair department ofan umbrella factory. "

"What has that got to do with being a detective?"

"Why, that fellow can recover an umbrella that has never been stolen. "

DETERMINATION

"Thirty years ago, " said the man who had traveled to the end ofthe earth and most of the way back, "I started out, alone, unaided, without friends to help me along, with the intention of making theworld pay me the living that it owes me. My only allies were a dollarbill and a determination to make a million more. Today (and he threwout his chest proudly) I still have the determination and fifty centsin change. "

 When hope seems dim And the worst's in sight, When you've lost your vim, Just hang on tight; Give blow for a blow, And don't give in, Till you've let 'em all know That you tried to win. 

DIAGNOSIS

FRIEND--"What is the first thing you do when a man presents himself toyou for consultation?"

DOCTOR--"I ask him if he has a car. "

FRIEND--"What do you learn from that?"

DOCTOR--"If he has one, I know he is wealthy--and if he hasn't, I knowhe is healthy. "

Starting with a wonderful burst of oratory, the great evangelist had, after two hours' steady preaching, become rather hoarse. 

A little boy's mother in the congregation whispered to her son, "Isn'tit wonderful? What do you think of him?"

"He needs a new needle, " returned the boy sleepily. 

The telephone rang and the bookkeeper answered it. 

"Yes, madam, this is Wilkins's market. "

"This is Mrs. Blank. I want you to know that the liver you sent me ismost unsatisfactory. It is not calf's liver at all; calf's liver istender and----"

"Just a moment, madam, and I'll call the proprietor. "

"What is it?" Wilkins asked. 

The bookkeeper surrendered the phone. 

"Mrs. Blank, " he said. "Liver Complaint. "

Axel, a Swede in an outfit at Fort Jay, woke up one morning with adesire to loaf. He got put on sick-call, thinking it was worth trying, anyway. At the dispensary the "doc. " looked him over, felt his pulse, and took his temperature. Then he said:

"I can't find anything wrong with you. "

No answer. 

"See here, what's wrong with you anyway?"

"Doc, " replied Axel. "That bane your yob. "

"Some un sick at yo' house, Mis' Carter?" inquired Lila. "Ah seed dedoctah's kyar eroun 'dar yestiddy. "

"It was for my brother, Lila. "

"Sho! What's he done got de matter of'm?"

"Nobody seems to know what the disease is. He can eat and sleep aswell as ever, he stays out all day long on the veranda in the sun, andseems as well as any one; but he can't do any work at all. "

"Law, Mis' Carter, dat ain't no disease what you brothe' got! Dat's agif!"--_Everybody's_. 

DILEMMAS

The house doctor of a Cincinnati theater sometimes tires of hisoffice; hence the following:

One evening an excited usher rushed to the doctor's seat and whispereda brief message. The occupant rose at once and both men left theorchestra hastily and made for the dressing-rooms. 

"It's the leading lady, " wailed one of the actresses, meeting them;"come this way. "

"Have you poured water on her head?" inquired the doctor, solemnly. 

"Yes, from the fire-bucket. "

"The fire bucket!--what a fearful blunder! Here, " and he scribbled aline on a card, "take this to the drug-store and get it filled. "

When the leading lady found herself alone with the doctor, she openedher eyes. 

"Doctor, " she gasped, "you're a good fellow, aren't you? I know youare aware that there's nothing the matter with me. I want a day off, and I don't want to go on in this act. Can you fix it?"

"You bet I can, " said the doctor, wringing her hand, sympathetically. "I ain't no doctor. I came in on this ticket. "

A lady's leather handbag was left in my car while parked on Parkavenue two weeks ago. Owner can have same by calling at my office, proving the property and paying for this ad. If she will explain to mywife that I had nothing to do with its being there, I will pay for thead. 

"Mamma, if a bear should swallow me, I should die, shouldn't I?"

"Yes, dear. "

"And should I go to heaven?"

"Yes, dear. Why do you ask that question?"

"And would the bear have to go too?"

A new regulation in a certain coal-mine required that each man markwith chalk the number on every car of coal mined. 

One man named Ole, having filled the eleventh car, marked it with anumber one and, after pondering a while, let it go at that. 

Another miner, happening to notice what he thought was a mistake, called Ole's attention to the fact that he had marked the car numberone instead of eleven. 

"Yes, I know, " said Ole; "but I can't tank which side de odder wan goon. "

Dinah Snow was a colored cook in the home of the Smiths. One morningon going to the kitchen Mrs. Smith noticed that Dinah looked as if shehad been tangled up with a road-roller. 

"Why, Dinah!" exclaimed she, "what in the world has happened to you?"

"Was me husban, '" explained Dinah. "He done went an' beat me ag'in, an' jes' fo' nothin', too!"

"Again!" cried Mrs. Smith, with increasing wonder. "Is he in the habitof beating you? Why don't you have him arrested?"

"Been thinkin' ob it several times, missy, " was the rejoinder ofDinah, "but I hain't nebah had no money to pay his fine. "

"Yes, " said the storekeeper, "I want a good, bright boy to be partlyindoors and partly outdoors. "

"That's all right, " said the applicant, "but what becomes of me whenthe door slams shut?"--_Judge_. 

DINING

 _Nocturne_

 The hour grows late, And hungrily I wait To hear her say Three words--three little words, Yet great Enough to bring completeness to the day. 

 At last she comes, Cassandra tall and dark-- Oh, very dark! A careless tune she hums, And pauses shamelessly to mark How her delay has angered or unnerved The weak among us. Then she snuffles--Hark! _"Dinnah am served!"_ --E. W. B. 

"Has Bobbie been eating between meals?"

"Bobbie has no between meals. "--_Life_. 

A farmer who went to a large city to see the sights engaged a roomat a hotel, and before retiring asked the clerk about the hours fordining. 

"We have breakfast from six to eleven, dinner from eleven to three, and supper from three to eight, " explained the clerk. 

"Wa-al, say, " inquired the farmer in surprise, "what time air I goin'ter git ter see the town?"

"Mama, I want a dark breakfast. "

"Dark breakfast? What do you mean, child?"

"Why, last night you told Mary to give me a light supper, and I didn'tlike it. "

MOTHER (at the breakfast-table)--"You always ought to use your napkin, Georgie. "

GEORGIE--"I am usin' it, mother; I've got the dog tied to the leg ofthe table with it. "

DIPLOMACY

"Father, " said the small boy, "what is an overt act?"

"My son, an overt act is something that either compels you to be sorude as to fight or so polite as to pretend you didn't notice it. "

"Now, sir, " said the persuasive philanthropist, "we want you to be thechairman of the big meeting which we are to hold. "

"How much?" inquired Mr. Cassius Chex, wearily. 

"I don't quite follow you. "

"How much is the deficit that you expect my subscription to meet?"

Uncle Mose owns and operates an "exclusive shoe-shining parlor" ina little Northwestern town, and, as customers are rather scarcethereabouts, he can't afford to offend any of them. But his "parlor"has to be run on a strict cash basis. So when a man a little too wellknown to Uncle Mose as "slow pay" about town came in to have his shoesshined and suggested to the old negro a desire to pay at a later date, Uncle Mose did some quick thinking. 

"I'se sorry, boss; I sure is, " he replied with diplomatic suavity;"but I jes' cain't do it. You see, de banker on de nex' cohner an'me--we done made a 'greement dat ef I didn't loan money he wouldn'tshine shoes, an' I jes' cain't break dat 'greement. "

Diplomacy has been defined as the art of letting someone else haveyour way. 

DISARMAMENT

 Were half the power that fills the world with terror, Were half the wealth bestowed on camps and courts Given to redeem the human mind from ERROR, There were no need of arsenals and forts. 

 --_Longfellow_. 

"What do you think of this disarmament idea?"

"I'm for it. If those people next door will sell their player piano, I'll agree to have my daughter stop taking singing lessons. "

DISCHARGE

COMMANDING OFFICER--"Snathy, here is your honorable discharge, youought to be proud of it. "

SNATHY--"Deed ah am Cap. Why in civil life when ah was discharged ahwas jest fired. "

DISCIPLINE

The principal of a certain school for girls had occasion to speaksharply to one of the pupils. 

"Marion, " he said, "you've neglected your work shamefully, and youmust remain with me an hour after school. "

Marion shrugged her thin little shoulders. "Well, " she said, "if yourwife doesn't mind it, I'm sure I don't. "

In a certain public school very advanced ideas are put into practice. No pupil is ever punished in any way, for the individuality of everychild is considered too sacred for repression. 

One day, soon after her enrollment at this school, little Gracearrived home, her face streaked with tears and her mouth covered withblood. 

"My precious! What happened?" cried her mother. 

The little girl was soon pouring out her story in her mother's arms. Sammy Gates, it appeared, had struck her and knocked out two teeth. 

When Grace had been kissed, comforted, and washed, her father wantedto know how the teacher had dealt with Sammy. 

"She didn't do anything, " said Grace. 

"Well, what did she say?"

"She called Sammy up to the desk and said, 'Sammy, don't you know thatwas very anti-social?'"

HUSBAND--"You'll never get that new dog of yours to mind you. "

WIFE--"Oh, yes, I will. --You were just as troublesome yourself atfirst. "

_See also_ Children; Parents. 

DISCOUNTS

SPOKESMAN OF CREDITORS--"Veil, Cohen, we've decided to accept fivecents on a tollar--cash. "

COHEN, THE DEBTOR--"Cash, you say? Den, of course, I get der regularcash discount?"--_Puck_. 

DISCRETION

WILLIE--"Pa, what is discretion?"

FATHER--"Oh, that's only another name for lack of nerve, my son. "

Discretion is the perfection of reason, and a guide to win all theduties of life. --_Addison_. 

DISPOSITION

"Allow me to congratulate you. "

"What for?"

"Oh, for just anything--the sunshine, the blue skies, the fact thatyou are up and about. Isn't that something?"

"No!"

"Then congratulate me for not having a disposition like yours. "

"Have you heard my last joke?" asked the Pest, as he stopped theGrouch on the street. 

"I hope so, " replied the Grouch, as he kept on traveling. 

"Why is it, Bob, " asked George of a very stout friend, "that you fatfellows are always good natured?"

"We have to be, " answered Bob. "You see, we can't either fight orrun. "

"What a cheerful woman Mrs. Smiley is!"

"Isn't she? Why, do you know, that woman can have a good time thinkingwhat a good time she would have if she were having it. "

DISTANCES

The German officer who confiscated a map of Cripple Creek belongingto an American traveler, and remarked that "the German Army might getthere some time, " should be classed with the London banker who saidto a solicitous mother seeking to send cash to San Antonio, Texas, forher wandering son: "We haven't any correspondent in San Antonio, butI'll give you a draft on New York, and he can ride in and cash it anyfine afternoon. "

At Sadieville, Ky. , a tourist called to an old colored man: "Heyuncle! How far is it to Lexington?"

"I don't know, suh; hit used to be 'bout twenty-five mile, butev'ything's gone up so I speck hit's 'bout fohty now, suh. "

"Where do you live in the city--close in?"

"Fairly so--thirty minutes on foot, fifteen by motor-car, twenty-fiveby street-car, and forty-five by telephone. "

DIVORCE

"Binks has married again. "

"I knew he didn't deserve that divorce!"

At the present terrific rate of divorce cases, we shall soon need anew reference-book--"Who's Whose. "

SOLICITOR (whose client is thinking of getting a divorce)--"Well, you can get it for about twenty pounds; everything done quietly and nopublicity. "

CLIENT--"And how much will the real thing cost, with lots of publicityand everything?"

WIFE (trying to think of The Hague)--"Let's see, what is the name ofthe place where so much was done toward promoting peace in the world?"

HUB--"Reno, my dear. "

"And are the divorce laws so very liberal in your section?"

"Liberal? Say! They are so liberal that nobody ever heard of a womancrying at a wedding out there. "

A divorce suit would not appeal so much to a jury if it was cleanedbefore it was pressed. 

"What are you cutting out of the paper?"

"An item about a California man securing a divorce because his wifewent through his pockets. "

"What are you going to do with it?"

"Put it in my pocket. "--_Everybody's_. 

"Scotsman, married, desires change. "--_Weekly Paper_. 

We ought to warn him that the Divorce Court is very congested justnow. 

To matrimonial speedsters, divorce is just a detour. 

DOCTORS

"What is your greatest wish, Doctor, now that you have successfullypassed for your degree?"

YOUNG DOCTOR--"To put 'Dr. ' before my own name, and 'Dr. ' after thename of other people. "--_Life_. 

"Who is your family doctor?"

"I can't tell you. "

"Why not? Don't you know his name?"

"Yes. Dr. Johnson used to be our family doctor but nowadays mothergoes to an eye specialist; father to a stomach specialist; my sistergoes to a throat specialist; my brother is in the care of a lungspecialist, and I'm taking treatments from an osteopath. "

A young suburban doctor whose practice was not very great sat in hisstudy reading away a lazy afternoon in early summer. His man servantappeared at the door. 

"Doctor, them boys is stealin' your green peaches again. Shall I chasethem away?"

The doctor looked thoughtful for a moment, then leveled his eyes atthe servant. 

"No, " he said. 

Once an old darky visited a doctor and was given definite instructionsas to what he should do. Shaking his head he started to leave theoffice, when the doctor said:

"Here, Rastus, you forgot to pay me. "

"Pay yo for what, boss?"

"For my advice, " replied the doctor. 

"Naw, suh; naw, suh; I ain't gwine take it, " and Rastus shuffled out. 

M. D. --"Would you have the price if I said you needed an operation?"

MANNING--"Would you say I needed an operation if you thought I didn'thave the price?"--_Life_. 

"How do you pronounce 'pneumonia'?" asked the French boy, who had cometo England to learn the language. 

His only chum told him. 

"That's odd, " replied the young Gaul. "It says in this story I amreading that the doctor pronounced it fatal. "

Mr. Roger W. Babson says that in looking up appendicitis cases helearned that in 17 per cent. Of the operations for that disease thepost-mortem examinations showed that the appendix was in perfectcondition. 

"The whole subject, " he adds, "reminds me of a true story I heard inLondon recently. In the hospitals there, the ailment of the patient, when he is admitted, is denoted by certain letters, such as 'T. B. 'for tuberculosis. An American doctor was examining these history slipswhen his curiosity was aroused by the number on which the letters'G. O. K. ' appeared. He said to the physician who was showing himaround:

"'There seems to be a severe epidemic of this G. O. K. In London. Whatis it, anyhow?'

"Oh, that means 'God only knows, '" replied the English physician. 

The fashionable physician walked in, in his breezy way, and noddedsmilingly at his patient. 

"Well, here I am, Mrs. Adams, " he announced. "What do you think is thematter with you this morning?"

"Doctor, I hardly know, " murmured the fashionable patient languidly. "What is new?"

"When I was a boy, " said the gray-haired physician, who happened tobe in a reminiscent mood, "I wanted to be a soldier; but my parentspersuaded me to study medicine. "

"Oh, well, " rejoined the sympathetic druggist, "such is life. Many aman with wholesale aspirations has to content himself with a retailbusiness. "

The eminent physicians had been called in consultation. They hadretired to another room to discuss the patient's condition. In thecloset of that room a small boy had been concealed by the patient'sdirections to listen to what the consultation decided and to tell thepatient who desired genuine information. 

"Well, Jimmy, " said the patient, when the boy came to report, "whatdid they say?"

"I couldn't tell you that, " said the boy. "I listened as hard as Icould, but they used such big words I couldn't remember much of it. All I could catch was when one doctor said:

"'Well, we'll find that out at the autopsy. '"

YOUNG WOMAN (to be neighbor at dinner)--"Guess whom I met today, doctor?"

DOCTOR--"I'm afraid I'm not a good guesser. "

"You're too modest. Aren't you at the top of yourprofession?"--_Life_. 

DOCTOR--"My dear sir, it's a good thing you came to me when you did. "

"Why, Doc? Are you broke?"--_Life_. 

"It's a little hard for young doctors to get a start. "

"I know. I'm raising whiskers. "

"They will help. And I'll loan you some of my magazines for 1876 toput in your anteroom. "

PATIENT--"I want to see doctor. Be this the place?"

DOCTOR--"This is where I practice. "

PATIENT--"Don't want no person for to practice on me; I want a doctorfor to cure me. "

FRIEND--"To what do you attribute your rapid rise in your profession?"

SURGEON--"It has been my rule all along never to perform an operationunless I was sure it would be a success either way. "

A doctor who had a custom of cultivating the lawn and walk in front ofhis home every spring engaged O'Brien to do the job. He went away forthree days and when he returned found O'Brien waiting for his money. The doctor was not satisfied with his work and said: "O'Brien, thewalk is covered with gravel and dirt, and in my estimation it's a badjob. "

O'Brien looked at him in surprise for a moment and replied: "Shure, Doc, there's many a bad job of yours covered with gravel and dirt. "

"You say this doctor has a large practice?"

"It's so large that when a patient has nothing the matter with him hetells him so. "

_Why She Objected_

An old woman's son was seriously ill and the attending surgeon advisedan operation. But the mother bitterly objected. 

"I don't believe in operations!" she exclaimed. "Even the Scripturesis agin it. Don't the Bible say plain and flat: 'What God hath j'inedtogither, let not man put asunder'?"

REDD--"The doctor said he'd have me on my feet in a fortnight. "

GREENE--"And did he?"

"Sure. I've had to sell my automobile. "

SPECIALIST--"You are suffering from nerve exhaustion. I can cure youfor the small sum of $2, 000. "

PATIENT--"And will my nerve be as good as yours then?"

In a confidential little talk to a group of medical students aneminent physician took up the extremely important matter of correctdiagnosis of the maximum fee. 

"The best rewards, " he said, "come, of course, to the establishedspecialist. For instance, I charge twenty-five dollars a call at theresidence, ten dollars for an office consultation, and five dollarsfor a telephone consultation. "

There was an appreciative and envious silence, and then a voice fromthe back of the theater, slightly thickened, spoke:

"Doc, " it asked, "how much do you charge a fellow for passing you onthe street?"

An insurance agent was filling out an application blank. 

"Have you ever had appendicitis?" he asked. 

"Well, " answered the applicant, "I was operated on but I havenever felt quite sure whether it was appendicitis or professionalcuriosity. "

"Oh, doctor, I have sent for you, certainly; still, I must confessthat I have not the slightest faith in modern medical science. "

"Well, " said the doctor, "that doesn't matter in the least. You see, amule has no faith in the veterinary surgeon, and yet he cures him allthe same. "

_A Great Difference_

A noted physician, particularly expeditious in examining andprescribing for his patients, was sought out by an army man whomhe "polished off" in almost less than no time. As the patient wasleaving, he shook hands heartily with the doctor and said:

"I am especially glad to have met you, as I have often heard myfather, Colonel Blank, speak of you. "

"What!" exclaimed the physician, "are you old Tom's son?"

"Certainly. "

"My dear fellow, " cried the doctor, "fling that infernal prescriptionin the fire and sit down and tell me what is the matter with you. "

"Father, what is a convalescent?"

"A patient who is still alive, son. "

Young M. D. --"Well, Dad, I'm hanging out my shingle; can't you give mesome rules for success?"

"Always write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills veryplainly. "

MOTHER (after visitor had gone)--"Bobby, what on earth made you stickout your tongue at our pastor? Oh, dear!. . . "

BOBBY--"Why, muvver, I just showed it to him. He said, 'Littul man, how do you feel?'--and I thort he was a doctor!"

An Irishman coming out of ether in the ward after an operation, exclaimed audibly: "Thank God! That's over!" "Don't be too sure, " saidthe man in the next bed, "they left a sponge in me and had to cut meopen again. " And the patient on the other side said, "Why they had toopen me, too, to find one of their instruments. " Just then the surgeonwho had operated on the Irishman, stuck his head in the door andyelled, "Has anybody seen my hat!" Pat fainted. 

Dr. A. , physician at Newcastle, being summoned to a vestry, in orderto reprimand the sexton for drunkenness, dwelt so long on the sexton'smisconduct as to draw from him this expression: "Sir, I thought youwould have been the last man alive to appear against me, as I havecovered so many blunders of yours!"

DOCTOR (to patient)--"You've had a pretty close call. It's only yourstrong constitution that pulled you through. "

PATIENT--"Well, doctor, remember that when you make out your bill. "

A quack doctor was holding forth about his "medicines" to a ruralaudience. 

"Yes, gentlemen, " he said, "I have sold these pills for overtwenty-five years and never heard a word of complaint. Now, what doesthat prove?"

From a voice in the crowd came: "That dead men tell no tales. "

_See also_ Bills; Remedies. 

DOGS

 _My Dog_

 He wastes no time in idle talk. His vows of friendship are unspoken. As in familiar ways we walk, Our musings by no word are broken. Or if, perchance, I voice some phrase (More light and garrulous am I), He answers with a speaking gaze, Half-sister to a song or sigh. 

 Sweet is the silence of a friend Whose mood so merges with my own, And sad would be the journey's end Were I to pass this way alone. Perhaps the shadows and the dust Some faint reply would frame for me Should I demand if Time were just To merge all waters with the sea. 

 Thus pondering, a sigh I heave That thoughts my naked soul should flay. Yet dreams of death he bids me leave, And glory in the living day. Before me in the path he leaps. He reads my mood, and bids me, "Come! Sweet Summer's in the wooded deeps!" And yet men say that he is dumb. 

 --_Jack Burroughs_. 

Frederick was sitting on the curb, crying, when Billy came along andasked him what was the matter. 

"Oh, I feel so bad 'cause Major's dead--my nice old collie!" sobbedFrederick. 

"Shucks!" said Billy. "My grandmother's been dead a week, and youdon't catch me crying. "

Frederick gave his eyes and nose a swipe with his hand, and, lookingup at Billy, sobbed, despairingly:

"Yes, but you didn't raise your grandmother from a pup. "

 _Dogs and their Friends. _ _(The Greeting)_

 A thousand velvet eyes aglow with thanks, A thousand tiny paws in welcome waved, An orchestra of barks and neighs and purrs Struck up, and maddest gayety betrayed! Each satin nose will press its owner's hand, Such happiness and frolic will abound When Anti-Cruelty meets all its friends At last, within their Happy Hunting Ground!

 --_Marie Bordeaux_. 

 Dogs will be dogs. They also serve who only watch at night and bark. Tis better to have loved a dog than never to have loved at all. A little battle now and then is relished by the best of dogs. Hell hath no fury like an angered bulldog. For a dog, all roads lead home. Bark and the whole neighborhood barks with you; hide and you hide alone. Dogs should be trained but not hurt. A buried bone is a joy forever. Fidelity, thy name is Fido. --_Edmund J. Kiefer_. 

 A friend may smile and bid you hail, Yet wish you with the devil; But when a good dog wags his tail, You know he's on the level. 

 _The Seven Wonders of the World. _ (_According to Fido_)

 His master. Meat. Children. Rags. The moon. Being tickled. Fleas. 

He was a very small boy. Paddy was his dog, and Paddy was nearer tohis heart than anything on earth. When Paddy met swift and hideousdeath on the turnpike road the boy's mother trembled to break thenews. But it had to be, and when he came home from school she told himsimply:

"Paddy has been run over and killed. "

He took it very quietly. All day it was the same. But five minutesafter he had gone to bed there echoed through the house a shrill andsudden lamentation. His mother rushed upstairs with solicitude andpity. 

"Nurse says, " he sobbed, "that Paddy has been run over and killed. "

"But, dear, I told you that at dinner, and you didn't seem to betroubled at all. "

"No; but--but I didn't know you said Paddy. I--I thought you saiddaddy!"

PUP--"Great cats; That's a nerve! Somebody has put up a building rightwhere I buried a bone!"--_Puck_. 

_See also_ Dachshunds. 

DOMESTIC FINANCE

LITTLE TOMMY--"What does 'close quarters' mean, Ma?"

WEARY MOTHER--"It's a definition of my trying to get twenty-five centsfrom your father. "

"Ma, what does the 'home-stretch' mean?"

"Making a fifteen-dollar-a-week allowance go around, my son. "

WIFE--"Ta-ta, dearie; I'll write before the end of the week. "

HUSBAND--"Good gracious, Alice, you must make that check last longerthan that!"

"Dearie, " said the young married man, "I have to go to New York onbusiness. It will only take a day or so and I hope you won't miss metoo much while I'm gone, but--"

"I won't, " answered his young wife, positively, "because I'm goingwith you. "

"I wish you could, dear, but it won't be convenient this time. Whatwould you want to go for, anyhow? I'm going to be too busy to be withyou, and--"

"I have to go. I need clothes. "

"But, darling--you can get all the clothes you want right here onEuclid Avenue. "

"Thank you. That's all I wanted. "

"I'm just waiting for my husband to complain about my extravagancethis month. "

"Ready to give him an argument, eh?"

"You bet I am. By mistake his golf-club checks came to the house, andI've got 'em. "

"You are not economical, " said the infuriated husband. 

"Well, " flashed his wife, "if you don't call a woman economical whosaves her wedding dress for a possible second marriage, I'd love toknow just what you do call economy. "

"But your fiancé has such a small salary, how are you going to live?"

"Oh, we're going to economize. We're going to do without such a lot ofthings that Jack needs. "

"Are you an expert accountant, " asked the prospective employer. 

"Yes, sir, " said the applicant. 

"Your written references seem to be all right, but tell me more aboutyourself. "

"Well, my wife kept a household account for thirty days. One nightafter supper I sat down and in less than an hour found out how much weowed our grocer. "

"Hang up your hat and coat, " said the employer with a glad smile. "Thejob is yours. "

HE--"My dear, I've warned you before, and now I must insist that wetry to live within our income. "

SHE--"Oh, very well, if you want to be considered eccentric byeverybody in our set. "

"Now, " said the bridegroom to the bride, when they returned from theirhoneymoon trip, "let us have a clear understanding before we settledown to married life. Are you the president or the vice-president ofthe society?"

"I want to be neither president nor vice-president, " she answered. "Iwill be content with a subordinate position. "

"What position is that, my dear?"

"Treasurer. "

SHE--"When we go anywhere now we have to take the street-car. Beforeour marriage you always called a taxi. "

HE--"Exactly. And that's the reason we have to go in the street-carnow. "

"My wife certainly makes my salary go a long way. "

"So does mine--so far that none of it ever comes back. "

"I'm having trouble in supporting my wife. "

"You don't know what trouble is. Try not supporting her. "

WILLIS--"The Highfliers are going to give up their big house thiswinter. "

MRS. WILLIS--"You must be mistaken. I was talking with Mrs. Highflieronly yesterday. "

WILLIS--"Well. I was talking with the mortgagee only thismorning. "--_Puck_. 

In a certain home-missionary movement every participant was tocontribute a dollar that she had earned herself by hard work. Thenight of the collection of the dollars came, and various and drollwere the stories of earning the money. One woman had shampooedhair, another had made doughnuts, another had secured newspapersubscriptions, and so on. 

The chairman turned to a handsome woman in the front row. 

"Now, madam, it is your turn, " he said. "How did you earn yourdollar?"

"I got it from my husband, " she answered. 

"Oh!" said he. "From your husband? There was no hard work about that. "

The woman smiled faintly. 

"You don't know my husband, " she said. 

"Before we were married, you used to send around a dozen roses everyweek, " said she. 

"Roses are easy, " replied he. "This week I'm going to send around twotons of coal and a rib-roast. "

LANDLADY--"That new boarder is either a married man or a widower. "

PRETTY DAUGHTER--"Why, ma, he says he is a bachelor. "

LANDLADY--"Well, I don't believe it. When he opens his pocketbook topay his board he always turns his back to me. "

"Hicks promised to give his wife a dime for every one he spends forcigars. "

"How does it work?"

"First rate. You see we meet every day and he buys me the drinks and Ibuy him the cigars. "

DOMESTIC RELATIONS

HUSBAND (newly married)--"Don't you think, love, if I were to smoke, it would spoil the curtains?"

WIFE--"Ah, you are the most unselfish and thoughtful husband in theworld; certainly it would. "

HUSBAND--"Well, then, take the curtains down. "

Willie's grandmother had come to visit them. 

"Are you mamma's mother?" asked Willie by way of conversation. 

"No, dear. I'm your grandmother on your father's side. "

"Well, " said Willie decidedly (he was an observing little fellow), "all I got to say is you're on the wrong side. "

SHE--"Just think of it! A few words mumbled by the minister and peopleare married. "

HE--"Yes, and, by George, a few words mumbled by a sleeping husbandand people are divorced. "

Two friends met in the Strand the morning after an airplane raid. 

"Any damage done your way?" the first asked. 

"Damage! Rather!" answered the other. "Father and mother were blownclean out of the window. The neighbors say it's the first time they'vebeen seen to leave the house together in seventeen years. "

_See also_ Families; Marriage. 

DREAMS

"Mother, wasn't that a funny dream I had last night?" said a littleboy who was busily engaged with his breakfast cereal. 

"Why, I'm sure I don't know!" replied his mother. "I haven't theslightest idea what your dream was about. "

"Why, mother, of course you know!" said the boy reproachfully. "Youwere in it. "

DRINKING

 If all be true that I do think, There are five reasons we should drink; Good wine--a friend--or being dry-- Or lest we should be by and by-- Or any other reason why. 

 --_Dr. Henry Aldrich_. 

Maybe one swallow doesn't make a summer, but it would brighten it upconsiderably. 

_Dangerous Advice_

CURATE--"You should be careful! Don't you know that drink is mankind'sworst enemy?"

JEEMS--"Yes; but don't you teach us to love our enemies?"

"Pussyfoot" Johnson, whose effort to prohibitionize Scotland failedrecently, was discussing his failure with a New York editor. 

"Yes, I failed, " he ended, "and I'm very sorry. Conditions in Scotlandare very bad. "

"Did you ever hear the story of the deacon's daughter? This storyillustrates Scottish conditions very well. 

"The wife of a Peebles deacon took a bath one evening, and as it wasrainy, chill November weather, she swallowed a teaspoonful or two ofwhisky after her bath to keep herself from catching cold. Then inher dressing-gown she went to bid her little daughter good night. Shestooped over the child's cot and a kiss was exchanged. After the kissthe little girl drew back sharply, sniffed and said:

"'Why, mamma, you've been using father's perfume, haven'tyou?'"--_Detroit Free Press_. 

"Now, Sam, " said the speaker, "I want you to be present when I deliverthis speech. "

"Yassuh. "

"I want you to start the laughter and applause. Every time I take adrink of water, you applaud; and every time I wipe my forehead with myhandkerchief, you laugh. "

"You better switch dem signals, boss. It's a heap mo' liable to makeme laugh to see you standin' up dar deliberately takin' a drink o'water. "

A Washington business man, says the Saturday Evening Post, desiringto test the relative efficiency of two makes of mucilage, handed thebottles one morning to his shiny-faced negro messenger. 

"Here, John, " he said; "try these and see which is the stickiest. "

John did not show up at the office again until about noon-time. He approached his employer's desk somewhat cautiously and gingerlydeposited thereon the two bottles of mucilage. 

"Well, John, " asked the boss, "which did you find the stickiest?"

"It wuz lak dis, boss, " was the reply: "Dis one gummed up ma mouf demost; but de other one, de taste lasted de longest. "

UNABLE SEAMAN--"When I come around again the surgeon, he says to me, 'I'm blooming sorry, mate, I don't know what I was thinking about, 'he says, 'but there's a sponge missin', and I believe it's sewed upinside yer!' 'What's the odds, ' I says, 'let it be. ' An there it is tothis day. "

GULLIBLE OLD GENTLEMAN--"Bless my soul! Don't it trouble you?"

UNABLE SEAMAN--"I don't feel no particular pain from it, but I do getmost uncommonly thirsty at times, sir. "

_See also_ Drunkards; Temperance. 

DRUNKARDS

The Lord Mayor of London had been dining pretty well, and Mr. Choate, Ambassador to England, was seeing his Lordship to the door. 

"Now, your Lordship, if you will allow me to advise you, " said Mr. Choate, "when you get to the sidewalk curb you will see two hansoms. Take the one to the right: the one to the left doesn't exist. "

An intoxicated man hailed a cab. 

After he had climbed in, the cabby leaned over and asked, "What streetdo you want?"

"What streets have you?" he inquired. 

"Lots of 'em, " smiled the cabby, humoring him. 

"Gimme 'em all, " he said, waving his arm grandly. 

After they had been driving for several hours, the man in the cabordered a stop. 

"How mush do I owe you?"

"Seven dollars and fifty cents. "

"Well--you better drive back till you get to thirty-fi' shents, 'causethashall I got. "

WIFEY--"I heard a noise when you came in last night. "

HUBBY--"Perhaps it was the night falling. "

WIFEY (coldly)--"No, it wasn't, it was the day breaking. "

DUTCH

BIX--"I see there's a report from Holland that concrete bases forGerman cannon have been found there. "

DIX--"Don't believe a word you hear from Holland. The geography saysit is a low, lying country. "

DYSPEPSIA

_Joy of Eating_

A well-known banker in a down-town restaurant was eating mush andmilk. 

"What's the matter?" inquired a friend. 

"Got dyspepsia. "

"Don't you enjoy your meals?"

"Enjoy my meals?" snorted the indignant dyspeptic. "My meals aremerely guide-posts to take medicine before or after. "

"Dyspepsia seldom kills anyone, " said Akinside, "but--"

"No, " returned old Festus Pester. "It makes them so talkative thateverybody else wants to kill them. "

EATING

 _If We Didn't Have To Eat_

 Life would be an easy matter If we didn't have to eat. If we never had to utter, "Won't you pass the bread and butter, Likewise push along that platter Full of meat?" Yes, if food were obsolete Life would be a jolly treat, If we didn't--shine or shower, Old or young, 'bout every hour-- Have to eat, eat, eat, eat, eat-- 'Twould be jolly if we didn't have to eat. We could save a lot of money If we didn't have to eat. Could we cease our busy buying, Baking, broiling, brewing, frying, Life would then be oh, so sunny And complete; And we wouldn't fear to greet Every grocer in the street If we didn't--man and woman, Every hungry, helpless human-- Have to eat, eat, eat, eat, eat-- We'd save money if we didn't have to eat. 

 All our worry would be over If we didn't have to eat. Would the butcher, baker, grocer Get our hard-earned dollars? No, Sir! We would then be right in clover Cool and sweet. Want and hunger we could cheat, And we'd get there with both feet, If we didn't--poor or wealthy, Halt or nimble, sick or healthy-- Have to eat, eat, eat, eat, eat-- We could get there if we didn't have to eat. 

 --_Nixon Waterman_. 

ECONOMY

TOM--"I've seen the girl I want to marry. I stood behind her atthe ticket window this morning and she took seven minutes to buy afive-cent elevated ticket. "

ALICE--"Did that make you want to marry her?"

TOM--"Yes, I figured out that she could never spend my income at thatrate. "

BOOK AGENT--"This book will teach you the way to economize. "

THE VICTIM--"That's no good to me. What I need is a book to teach mehow to live without economizing. "

 How oft economy grows gay And boasts of its efficient work, When it has merely stopped the pay Of some two-thousand-dollar clerk!

Little June's father had just returned from the store and was openingup some sheets of sticky fly-paper and placing it about the room. Junewatched a minute and then burst out with:

"Oh, papa, down at the corner grocery you can get the paper with theflies already caught. They have lots of it in the window. "

"Well, Albert, I've been acting on your advice. I put a hundreddollars in the bank this month. "

"Fine! It isn't so hard, is it?"

"No; I simply tore up all the bills. "--_Life_. 

_See also_ Domestic finance; Thrift. 

EDITORS

"An editor is a man who puts things in the paper, isn't he?"

"Oh, no, my son; an editor keeps things out of the paper. "

The editor of the newspaper in a certain small southern town was givenan article to print, praising in very elegant language the life andworks of a certain southern colonel. 

The colonel and the editor were not the best of friends. 

The article came out, but in spelling "scarred, " in that veryimportant phrase "battle scarred veteran, " one "r" was omitted. 

The colonel threatened violence but the editor promised to admit hiserror in the next issue. 

In the following issue, in large type, appeared: "The editor of thispaper regrets very much an error in spelling in our last issue. Indescribing our most worthy colonel, instead of 'battle scared veteran'it should read, 'bottle scarred veteran. '"

That day the editor ceased to edit. His wife was a widow. 

A country editor wrote: "Brother, don't stop your paper just becauseyou don't agree with the editor. The last cabbage you sent us didn'tagree with us either, but we didn't drop you from our subscriptionlist on that account. "

The girl reporter accepted the editor's invitation to dinner and whenasked how she enjoyed it, said:

"Oh, fine, but I'll never go to dinner with an editor again. "

"Why not?"

"Well, the dinner was fine, but he blue-penciled about three-quartersof my order. "

You may know the trade classic about the exchange editor. The newowner of the newspaper asked who that man was in the corner. "Theexchange editor, " he was informed. "Well, fire him, " said he. "All heseems to do is sit there and read all day. "

A little boy was given the stunt by his father to write an essay oneditors and here is the result:

"If an editor makes a mistake folks say he ought to be hung; but ifa doctor makes a mistake he buries it and people dassent say nothingbecause doctors can read and write Latin. When the editor makes amistake there is lawsuits and a big fuss; but if a doctor makes onethere is a funeral, cut flowers and perfek silence. A doctor can usea word a yard long without anyone knowing what it means; but if theeditor uses one he has to spell it. If the doctor goes to see anotherman's wife he charges for the visit but if the editor goes he gets acharge of buckshot. When the doctor gets drunk it's a case of beingovercome by the heat and if he dies it's from heart trouble; when aneditor gets drunk it's a case of too much booze and if he dies it'sthe jim-jams. Any college can make a doctor; an editor has to beborn. "

Wanted, an editor, who can read, write and argue politics, and atthe same time be religious, funny, scientific and historical at will, write to please everybody, know everything, without asking or beingtold, always having something good to say of everything and everybodyelse, live on wind and make more money than enemies. For such a man, agood opening will be made in the "graveyard. " He is too good to live. 

Life in a newspaper office is one compliment after another. "You lookso funny when you think, " observed the blandishing Miss HarrietteUnderbill as she passed the given point known as our desk lateyesterday afternoon. 

COUNTRY EDITOR (to new assistant)--"I shall expect you to write allthe editorials, do the religious and sporting departments and turn outa joke column. "

ASSISTANT--"What are you going to do?"

"Edit your copy. "

EDUCATION

Education--the sum total of all the things we haven't been taught. 

WILLIE (doing his homework)--"What is the distance to the neareststar, Auntie?"

"I'm sure I don't know, Willie. "

"Well, I hope, then, you'll feel sorry tomorrow when I'm gettingpunished for your ignorance. "

Henry was the neighborhood magistrate. He had been settling a disputebetween two blockaders. The one in whose favor the verdict was castwas filled with admiration for the facility with which Henry made outthe papers. 

"You are one of those 'read' men, ain't you Henry?"

"Yes, I kin read right smart, " modestly admitted Henry. 

"You been to school, ain't you?" With just pride Henry nodded hishead. 

"I reckon you been through algebra!"

"Yes, I have, " said Henry, "but it was night and I didn't seenothing. "

EMPLOYER--"For this job you've got to know French and Spanish, and thepay is eighteen dollars a week. "

"Lord, Mister! I ain't got no edication; I'm after a job in theyards. "

"See the yard-boss. We'll start you in at forty. "--_Life_. 

When James A. Garfield was president of Oberlin College, a man broughtfor entrance as a student his son, for whom he wished a shorter coursethan the regular one. 

"The boy can never take all that in, " said the father. "He wants toget through quicker. Can you arrange it for him?"

"Oh, yes, " said Mr. Garfield. "He can take a short course; it alldepends on what you want to make of him. When God wants to make anoak he takes a hundred years, but he takes only two months to make asquash. "

Doubtless the old woman in this story from the London Post will now beable to enlighten her husband on a troublesome subject. 

"Doctor, " she inquired of a country physician, "can you tell me how itis that some folks be born dumb?"

"Why--hem!--why, certainly, ma'am, " replied the doctor. "It is becausethey come into the world without power of speech. "

"Dear me, " remarked the woman, "just see what it is to have a physicaledication! I'm right glad I axed you. I've axed my old man a hundredtimes that there same question, and all he would ever say was, 'Causethey be. '"

PROFESSOR--"So, sir, you said that I was a learned jackass, did you?"

FRESHIE--"No, sir, I merely remarked that you were a burro ofinformation. "

EFFICIENCY

After many trials and tribulations Mrs. Timson had managed to get a"maid" of sorts. 

"Now, Thurza, " said she, "be careful about the water. We only use thewell water for drinking, as we have to pay a man to pump it. The rainwater is good enough for washing up and so on. "

After tea Mrs. Timson asked:

"Did you remember about the water, Thurza?"

"Oh, yes, mum!" said Thurza. "I filled the kettle half full of waterfrom the butt and the other half with water from the well. I thoughtthe bottom half might as well be getting hot at the same time forwashing up after tea. "

An elderly rancher took some fine Kentucky horses to the West inthe early sixties. He was proud of them, and justly so. The oldgentleman's son had once seen a teamster lock one of his wagon-wheelsin going down a declivity. This precaution appealed to the youngfellow's idea of "safety first. " He duly reported the occurrence tohis father, and begged him to get a, lock-chain. 

"My son, " said the old gentleman, "if I ever send you out with a teamthat can't outrun the wagon, let 'em go to hell. "

SOLICITOR (to business man absorbed in detail)--"I have here a mostmarvelous system of efficiency, condensed into one small volume. Itwill save you fully 50 per cent of your time, and so--"

BUSINESS MAN (interrupting irritably)--"I already have a system bywhich I can save 100 per cent of my time and yours. I'll demonstrateit now--Good-day!"

 The hours I spend at work, dear heart Are as arithmetic to me; I count my motions every one apart-- Efficiency. 

 Each hour a task, each task a test, Until my heart with doubt is wrung; I conservate my darndest, but at best The boss is stung. 

 O theories that twist and turn! O frantic gain and laggard loss! I'll standardize and stint at last to learn

 To please the boss By gum! To please the boss. 

"But, " he adds, "as in everything else, there are exceptions. Therewas Boggins, for instance. Boggins was a great efficiency man in theoffice, but even more so at home. Why, every time Boggins Junior wasnaughty his father laid him on the floor and spread a rug over him, so that the beating would kill two birds with one stone, as you mightsay. "

A worm won't turn if you step on it right. 

Efficiency is an admirable quality, but it can be overdone, accordingto Representative M. Clyde Kelly, of Pennsylvania. 

"Last election day, " Mr. Kelly explains, "the city editor of mynewspaper in Braddock sent his best reporter out to learn if thesaloons were open in defiance of the law. Four days later he returnedand reported, 'They were. '"

"Sambo, I don't understand how you can do all your work so quickly, and so well. "

"I'll tell yuh how 'tis, boss. I sticks de match ob enthusiasm to defuse ob yenergy--and jes natchurally explodes, I does. "

"Don't be so long-winded in your reports as you have been in thepast, " said the manager of the "Wild West" railway to his overseer. "Just report the condition of the track as ye find it, and don't putin a lot of needless words that ain't to the point. Write a businessletter, not a love-letter. "

A few days later the railway line was badly flooded, and the overseerwrote his report to the manager in one line: "Sir--Where the railwaywas the river is. --Yours faithfully, ----. "

In Montana a railway-bridge had been destroyed by fire, and it wasnecessary to replace it. The bridge-engineer and his staff wereordered in haste to the place. Two days later came the superintendentof the division. Alighting from his private car, he encountered theold master bridge-builder. 

"Bill, " said the superintendent--and the words quivered withenergy--"I want this job rushed. Every hour's delay costs the companymoney. Have you got the engineer's plans for the new bridge?"

"I don't know, " said the bridge-builder, "whether the engineer hasthe picture drawed yet or not, but the bridge is up and the trains ispassin' over it. "--_Harper's_. 

"Better consider my course in efficiency training. I can show you howto earn more money than you are getting. "

"I do that now. "

The boy was very small and the load he was pushing in the wheelbarrowwas very, very big. 

A benevolent old gentleman, putting down his bundles, lent him ahelping hand. 

"Really, my boy, " he puffed, "I don't see how you manage to get thatbarrow up the gutters alone. "

"I don't, " replied the appreciative kid. "Dere's always some jaya-standin' round as takes it up for me. "--_Puck_. 

MRS. CASEY--"Me sister writes me that every bottle in that box we senther was broken. Are you sure yez printed 'This side up, with care' onit!"

CASEY--"Oi am. An' for fear they shouldn't see it on the top, Oiprinted it on the bottom, as well. "

COW--"Can you beat it? There's so much system around here now thatthey file me in the barn under the letter C. "

HEN--"Yes, I have my troubles with efficiency too. They've put arubber stamp in my nest so I can date my eggs two weeks ahead. "

EGOTISM

SMITH--"You seldom see such beautiful golf as that man plays. Hisdrives were corking, his approaches superb and he never missed aputt. "

JONES--"How much were you beaten by?"

SMITH--"Why, I won!"

 _"I" and "Myself" and "Me"_

 When on myself I sometimes turn My gaze, with introspection stern, Three persons there I seem to see, "I" and "Myself, " they are, and "Me. "

 "I" stands alone with confidence, Pugnacious, quick to take offense, Assertive, masterful and strong, Forever right and _never_ wrong, As Lewis Carroll once avowed, "I" is extremely "stiff and proud. "

 "Myself" is rather different, A chap who is less confident, Yet full conceited--selfish, too, And steeped in ego, through and through. Though others oft "Myself" decry, He's very, very dear to "I. "

 Unlike the other two is "Me"; A timid little fellow, he; Self-conscious, given oft to erring, My scorn and pity both incurring. Still, though he's shy as he can be, While few like "I, " a lot like "Me. "

 --_Eliot Harlow Robinson_. 

Many a man thinks he is anxious to please others, when the truth isthat he is only anxious that others be pleased with what he does. 

 _I And Me_

 I wonder just what kind of guy Am I? I guess it's time I took A look inside of me To see-- But, gee, I cuss I'm envious of what the other fellow's got, I loaf a lot, And foolish pleasures often buy-- That is the kind of sham I am. When things go wrong I growl along And take it out On some good scout Who's not to blame, Whatever came-- In fact The luck I lacked (Or luck I had, If mine was bad) Was mostly my Own fault. Why. I Am not a very pleasant guy, The poorest on the human shelf-- And, now that I Size up myself, Whatever other folks may see, I do not make a hit with Me. 

 --_Douglas Malloch_. 

EINSTEIN

"Max has sent me an interesting book, 'Relativity, ' by Einstein. Haveyou read it?"

"No. I am waiting for it to be filmed. "

EMBARRASSING SITUATIONS

The wife of a Dorchester man who had the traditional failing--heforgot to mail letters--has cured him. The mail is delivered at theirhome before the breakfast hour--which is comparatively late. Onemorning she said to her husband:

"Did you have any mail this morning, dear?"

"Only a circular, " he answered as he bit into a fine brown slice oftoast. 

"Huh, " said the wife. "By the way, did you mail the letters I gave youyesterday?"

"Sure I did, " was the righteously indignant reply. 

"Well, " answered wifie, with an eloquent smile, "it's funny, then, youhad no letters this morning, because one of those I gave you to mailwas addressed to you--just as a sort of key. "

Callers were at the door and Bobbie was told to show them into theparlor. He did so, and while his mother was fixing herself up, hesat there rather embarrassed. Presently, seeing the visitors glancingaround the room, he said:

"Well, what do you think of our stuff, anyway?"

KIND FRIEND (to composer who has just played his newly written _revue_masterpiece)--"Yes, I've always liked that little thing. Now play oneof your own, won't you?"

Evelyn is very cowardly, and her father decided to have a serious talkwith his little daughter. 

"Father, " she said at the close of his lecture, "when you see a cow, ain't you 'fraid?"

"No, certainly not, Evelyn. "

"When you see a bumblebee, ain't you 'fraid?"

"No!" with scorn. 

"Ain't you 'fraid when it thunders?"

"No, " with laughter. "Oh, you silly, silly child!"

"Papa, " said Evelyn, solemnly, "ain't you 'fraid of nothing in theworld but mama?"

Afraid to breathe, almost, the returned reveller crept quietly intohis bedchamber as the gray dawn was breaking. Sitting on the edge ofthe bed, he cautiously undid his boots. But, with all his care, hiswife stirred in bed, and he presently was all too well aware of a pairof sleepy eyes regarding him over the edge of the sheet. 

"Why, Tom, " yawned the little woman, "how early you are this morning!"

"Yes, my dear, " replied Tom, stifling a groan, "I've got to go toMontreal for the firm today. "

And replacing his footgear the wretched man dragged his aching limbsout again into the cold and heartless streets. 

A philanthropic New York woman was entertaining, in the spaciousgrounds of her suburban residence, a large number of East-Sidechildren. On her rounds of hospitality she was impressed with onestrikingly beautiful little girl. She could not have been more thannine years old, but her coal-black eyes flashed with intelligence. Thehostess introduced herself and began a conversation. 

"Does what you see here today please you?" she asked. The child eyedher host in silence. 

"Talk away, " said the lady. "Don't be afraid. "

"Tell me, " then said the child, "how many children have you got?"

Astonished at the question, the lady hesitated for a moment, and thenentered into the fun of the situation. 

"Ten, " she replied. 

"Dear me, " answered the child, "that is a very large family, I hopeyou are careful and look after them. Do you keep them all clean?"

"Well, I do my best. "

"And is your husband at work?"

"My husband does not do any kind of work. He never has. "

"That is very dreadful, " replied the little girl earnestly, "but Ihope you keep out of debt. "

The game had gone too far for Lady Bountiful's enjoyment of it. 

"You are a very rude and impertinent child, " she burst out, "to speaklike that, and to me. "

The child became apologetic. "I'm sure I didn't mean to be, ma'am, "she explained. "But mother told me before I came that I was to besure to speak to you like a lady, and when any ladies call on us, theyalways ask us those questions. "

A gentleman who had married his cook was giving a dinner party andbetween the courses the good lady sat with her hands spread on thetablecloth. 

Suddenly the burr of conversation ceased and in the silence thatfollowed a young man on the right of his hostess said, pleasantly:

"Awful pause!"

"Yes, they may be, " said the old-time cook, with heightened color;"and yours would be like them if you had done half my work. "

His relatives telephoned to the nearest florist's. The ribbon must beextra wide, with "Rest in Peace" on both sides, and if there was room, "We Shall Meet in Heaven. "

The florist was away and his new assistant handled the job. There wasa sensation when the flowers turned up at the funeral. The ribbon wasextra wide, indeed, and on it was the inscription:

"Rest in peace on both sides, and, if there is room, we shall meet inheaven. "

_See also_ Bluffing. 

EMPLOYERS AND EMPLOYEES

 _An Employer's Dream_

 An Employee, Dynamic, but not variable. Tall--of excellent personality. Aggressive--but tactful. Sales type--but with a liking for detail. Vision--looking ahead and discounting the future. Loyal--always having the interest of his employer at heart. Creative--but appreciating values--initiative balanced with caution, forseeing his employer's wishes and ideas. Serious thinker--sunny disposition, looking ahead but mastering first the work on hand. Interested in his salary--only as incidental--willing to leave that to the discretion of those above him. Character--excellent, not a clock watcher--interested only in results, working night and day if necessary to secure his success. Honest--clear thinking--hard-working--looking ahead fearlessly--with his eyes on the future, putting everything else second to his work--with supreme, sound confidence in his own ability-- Ah! Shucks--It's Impossible. 

EMPLOYER (to clerk)--"If that bore, Smithers, comes in, tell him I'mout--and don't be working or he'll know you're lying. "

_The Ten Commandments_ (_By A Wise Employer_)

First--Don't lie. It wastes my time and yours. I am sure to catch youin the end, and that will be the wrong end. 

Second--Watch your work, not the clock. A long day's work makes a longday short, and a short day's work makes my face long. 

Third--Give me more than I expect, and I will give you more than youexpect. I can afford to increase your pay if you increase my profits. 

Fourth--You owe so much to yourself you cannot afford to owe anybodyelse. Keep out of debt. 

Fifth--Dishonesty is never an accident. Good men, like good women, never see temptation when they meet it. 

Sixth--Mind your own business, and in time you'll have a business ofyour own to mind. 

Seventh--Don't do anything here which hurts your self-respect. Anemployee who is willing to steal for me is willing to steal from me. 

Eighth--It is none of my business what you do at night. But ifdissipation affects what you do the next day, and you do half as muchas I demand, you'll last half as long as you hoped. 

Ninth--Don't tell me what I'll like to hear, but what I ought to hear. I don't want a valet for my pride, but one for my purse. 

Tenth--Don't kick if I kick. If you're worth while correcting, you'reworth while keeping. I don't waste time cutting specks out of rottenapples. 

--_The Rotarian_. 

One of the bosses at Baldwin's Locomotive Works had to lay off anargumentative Irishman named Pat, so he saved discussion by puttingthe discharge in writing. The next day Pat was missing, but a weeklater the boss was passing through the shop and he saw him again athis lathe. Then, the following colloquy occurred:

"Didn't you get my letter?"

"Yis, sur, Oi did, " said Pat. 

"Did you read it?"

"Sure, sur, Oi read it inside and Oi read it outside, " said Pat, "and on the inside yez said I was fired and on the outside yez said:'Return to Baldwin Locomotive Works in five days. '"

"Well, George, " said the president of the company to old George, "howgoes it?"

"Fair to middlin', sir, " George answered. And he continued tocurrycomb a bay horse. 

"Me an' this here boss, " George said, suddenly, "has worked for yourfirm sixteen year. "

"Well, well, " said the president, thinking a little guiltily ofGeorge's salary. "And I suppose you are both pretty highly valued, George, eh?"

"H'm, " said George, "the both of us was took sick last week, and theygot a doctor for the hoss, but they just docked my pay. "

A plumber and a painter were working in the same house. The painterarrived late and the plumber said to him, "You're late this morning. "

"Yes, " said the painter, "I had to stop and have my hair cut. "

"You didn't do it on your employer's time, did you?" said the plumber. 

"Sure, I did, " said the painter; "It grew on his time. "

POSSIBLE EMPLOYER--"H'm! so you want a job, eh? Do you ever telllies?"

APPLICANT--"No, sir, but I kin learn. "

A man named Dodgin was recently appointed foreman at the gas works, but his name was not known to all the employees. One day while onhis rounds he came across two men sitting in a corner, smoking, andstopped near them. 

"Who are you?" said one of the men. 

"I'm Dodgin, the new foreman, " he replied. 

"So are we, " replied the other workers, "sit down and have a smoke. "

ENEMIES

Speak well of your enemies. Remember you made them. 

 The fine and noble way to kill a foe Is not to kill him; you with kindness may So change him, that he shall cease to be so; Then he's slain. 

 --_Aleyn_. 

ENGLISH LANGUAGE

By way of enlarging the children's vocabulary, our villageschool-teacher is in the habit of giving them a certain word andasking them to form a sentence in which that word occurs. The otherday she gave the class the word "notwithstanding. " There was a pause, and then a bright-faced youngster held up his hand. 

"Well, what is your sentence, Tommy?" asked the teacher. 

"Father wore his trousers out, but notwithstanding. "

TILDA--"Pass the 'lasses. "

LIZZIE (who has attended school)--"Don't say ''lasses. ' Say molasses. "

TILDA--"How come I say mo' 'lasses when I ain't had none yet?"

 _Jailless Crimes_

 Killing time. Hanging pictures. Stealing bases. Shooting the chutes. Choking off a speaker. Running over a new song. Smothering a laugh. Setting fire to a heart. Knifing a performance. Murdering the English language. --_Judge_. 

"Now, boys, " said the schoolmaster, "I want you to bear in mind thatthe word 'stan' at the end of a word means 'the place of. ' Thus wehave Afghanistan--the place of the Afghans; also Hindustan--the placeof the Hindus. Can any one give me another example?"

Nobody appeared very anxious to do so, until little Johnny Snaggs, thejoy of his mother and the terror of the cats, said proudly--

"Yes, sir, I can. Umbrellastan--the place for umbrellas. "

He went into a shop to buy a comb. He was a man careful of otherpeople's grammar, and believed himself to be careful of his own. 

"Do you want a narrow man's comb?" asked the assistant. 

"No, " answered the careful grammarian, "I want a comb for a stout manwith tortoiseshell teeth. "

TEACHER--"Thomas, will you tell me what a conjunction is, and composea sentence containing one?"

THOMAS (after reflection)--"A conjunction is a word connectinganything, such as 'The horse is hitched to the fence by his halter. ''Halter' is a conjunction, because it connects the horse and thefence. "

A young man poured out a long story of adventure to a Boston girl. Surprised, she asked:

"Did you really do that?"

"I done it, " answered the proud young man. He began another narrative, more startling than the first. 

When she again expressed her surprise, he said, with inflated chest, "I done it. "

"Do you know, " remarked the girl, "you remind me strongly of Banquo'sGhost?"

"Why?"

"Don't you remember that Macbeth said to him, 'Thou canst not say, "Idid it"'?" and the young man wondered why everybody laughed. 

An English professor, traveling through the hills, noted variousquaint expressions. For instance, after a long ride the professorsought provisions at a mountain hut. 

"What d' yo'-all want?" called out a woman. 

"Madam, " said the professor, "can we get corn bread here? We'd like tobuy some of you. "

"Corn bread? Corn bread, did yo' say?" Then she chuckled to herself, and her manner grew amiable. "Why, if corn bread's all yo' want, comeright in, for that's just what I hain't got nothing else on hand but. "

Charles B. Towns, the antidrug champion, spent some time in Chinaseveral years ago with Samuel Merwin, the writer. In a Hongkongshop-window they noticed some Chinese house-coats of particularlystriking designs and stepped in to purchase one. Mr. Towns asked Mr. Merwin to do the bargaining. 

"Wantum coatee, " said Mr. Merwin to the sleepy-eyed Oriental whoshuffled up with a grunt. He placed several of the coats before them. 

"How muchee Melican monee?" inquired Mr. Merwin. 

"It would aid me in transacting this sale, " said the Chinaman, "if youwould confine your language to your mother tongue. The coat is sevendollars. "

Mr. Merwin took it. 

Grace's uncle met her on the street one spring day and asked herwhether she was going out with a picnic party from her school. 

"No, " replied his eight-year-old niece, "I ain't going. "

"My dear, " said the uncle, "you must not say, 'I ain't going. ' Youmust say, 'I am not going. '" And he proceeded to give her a littlelesson in grammar: "'You are not going. He is not going. We are notgoing. You are not going. They are not going. ' Now, can you say allthat?"

"Sure I can, " responded Grace quite heartily. "There ain't nobodygoing. "--_Harper's_. 

"What is the plural of man, Willie?" asked the teacher of a smallpupil. 

"Men, " answered Willie. 

"And, the plural of child?"

"Twins, " was the unexpected reply. 

A colored woman one day visited the court-house in a Tennessee townand said to the judge:

"Is you-all the reperbate judge?"

"I am the judge of probate, mammy. "

"I'se come to you-all 'cause I'se in trubble. Mah man--he's donedied detested and I'se got t'ree little infidels so I'se cum to beappointed der execootioner. "

ENGLISHMEN

At a dinner in New York an Englishman heard for the first time and, probably after due explanation, was much amused by that "toasted"chestnut:

"Here's to the happiest hours of my life, "Spent in the arms of another man's wife:

"My mother. "

Shortly after his return to England he was present at a banquet, and thought he would get off the New York toast he had considered soclever. At the proper time he rose and said:

"Here's to the happiest hours of my life, "Spent in the arms of another man's wife:

"Spent in the arms of another man's wife--

"Another man's wife. Excuse me, I really cawn't recall the lady'sname, but it doesn't matter. "

ENTHUSIASM

A Soldier of color, recently "over there, " had proposed to, and beenaccepted by his dusky sweetheart. During the marriage ceremony heshowed such signs of nervousness that the minister, noticing it, whispered to him, in a voice which could have been heard half a mile:

"What's de mattah wif you Rastus, is yo dun los' yo' ring or sumpin?"

"N-no sah, Mr. Preacher, " answered the ex-hero, "but I sho nuff dunlos' mah 'thusiasm. "

If a man lacks enthusiasm it takes him twice as long to accomplish atask. 

A man who allows himself to be carried away with enthusiasm often hasto walk back. 

EPIGRAMS

An epigram is a twinkle in the eye of Truth. 

Many a woman is blamed for making a fool of a man when he is reallyself-made. 

Some men are like rusty needles; the best way to clean and brightenthem is with work. 

When one reaches the end of his rope, he should tie a knot in it andhang on. 

EPITAPHS

 _A Tired Woman's Epitaph_ _(Before 1850)_

 Here lies a poor woman, Who always was tired; She lived in a house, Where help was not hired; Her last words on earth were, "Dear friends I am going; Where washing ain't done, Nor sweeping nor sewing; But everything there is exact to my wishes, For where they don't eat, There's no washing of dishes; I'll be where loud anthems will always be ringing; But having no voice, I'll be clear of the singing; Don't mourn for me now, don't mourn for me never, I'm going to do nothing, forever and ever. "

Mrs. Whann, the weeping widow of a well-known man, requested that thewords "My sorrow is greater than I can bear" be placed upon the marbleslab of her dear departed. 

A few months later the lady returned and asked how much it would costher to have the inscription effaced and another substituted. 

"No need of that, marm, " replied the man, soothingly; "you see, I leftjes' enough room to add 'alone. '"

THE TOMBSTONE MAN (after several abortive suggestions)--"How wouldsimply, 'Gone Home' do?"

MRS. NEWWEEDS--"I guess that would be all right. It was always thelast place he ever thought of going. "--_Puck_. 

 Here lies my wife: here let her lie! Now she's at rest, and so am I. 

 --_John Dryden_. 

"Did you hear about the defacement of Mr. Skinner's tombstone?" askedMr. Brown a few days after the funeral of that eminent captain ofindustry. 

"No, what was it?" inquired his neighbor curiously. 

"Someone added the word 'friends' to the epitaph. "

"What was the epitaph?"

"He did his best. "

EQUALITY

In a mood for companionship with none at hand, a New Yorker was makingher way through a quiet down town cross street to an East Side subway. As she approached a team of horses standing by the curb, the nearerof the pair looked her straight in the eye man-to-man like. No driverbeing in sight she took from her pocket some lumps of sugar (reservedas a tip for the ice-horse) and fed and fondled and talked foolishlyto her friend of the curb. Looking up before turning to the secondhorse, she was confused and startled to find a brisk young driver, reins in hand, looking ready to tear up the pavements in a mad rushto Jersey or somewhere. She hurried off to escape his wrath at beingdelayed. The angry words flung after her were: "The other one ain't nostepchild. "

And the horses galloped off equally sugared. 

ETIQUET

"Frances, " said the little girl's mamma, who was entertaining callersin the parlor, "you came downstairs so noisily that you could be heardall over the house. Now go back and come down stairs like a lady. "

Frances retired and after a few moments re-entered the parlor. 

"Did you hear me come downstairs this time, mamma?"

"No dear; I am glad you came down quietly. Now, don't ever let me haveto tell you again not to come down noisily. Now tell these ladies howyou managed to come down like a lady the second time, when the firsttime you made so much noise. "

"The last time I slid down the banisters, " explained Frances. 

 Hearts, like doors, can ope with ease To very, very little keys, And don't forget that they are these "I thank you, Sir"; and, "If you please. "

_Unseen, Unheard_

TEACHER--"What does a well-bred child do when a visitor calls to seeher mother?"

CHILD--"Me--I go play in the street. "

HOSTESS (at party)--"Does your mother allow you to have two pieces ofpie when you are at home, Willie?"

WILLIE (who has asked for a second piece)--"No, ma'am. "

"Well, do you think she'd like you to have two pieces here?"

"Oh, " confidentially, "she wouldn't care. This isn't her pie!"

"I can't understand this code of ethics. "

"What code is that?"

"The one which makes it all right to take a man's last dollar, but abreach of etiquette to take his last cigaret. "

Tom Johnson claims that the oldest joke is the one about the Irishsoldier who saw a shell coming and made a low bow. The shell missedhim and took off the head of the man behind him. "Sure, " said Pat, "yenever knew a man to lose anything by being polite. "

EUROPEAN WAR

War is evidently a losing game when it takes a country forty-two yearsto pay for what she destroyed in a little more than four. 

A dusky doughboy, burdened under tons of medals and miles and miles ofribbons, service and wound chevrons, stars et al. , encountered a27th Division scrapper in Le Mans a few days prior to the division'sdeparture for the States. 

"Whar yo' all ben scrappin' in dis yar war, boss?" meekly inquired thecolored soldier. 

"Why, we've been fighting up in Belgium and Flanders with theBritish, " replied the New Yorker, proudly. 

"Well, we ben down in dem woods--watcha call 'em woods 'way downsouth. "

"The Argonne?" suggested young Knickerbocker. 

"Yas, yas, dem's de woods--d'Argonne. "

"You know our division was the first to break the Hindenburg line, colored boy, " explained the 27th man. 

"Was it you wot did dat trick? Y' know boss, we felt dat ol' line sag'way down in d'Argonne. "

WILLIS--"Did the war do anything for you?"

GILLIS--"Sure did. It taught me to save peach-stones, tin-foil, newspapers and all kinds of junk. In fact, I can now save anythingexcept money. "

Just before the St. Mihiel show the Germans blew up an ammunitiondump near a company of Yanks. It was reported that there was a largequantity of gas shells in the dump, and as soon as the explosionsbegan the Americans immediately made themselves scarce with greatrapidity. 

When the danger had passed all started drifting back with theexception of one man who did not appear till the next day. 

"Well, where you been?" demanded the top kick, eyeing him coldly. 

"Sergeant, " replied the other earnestly, "I don't know where I been, but I give you my word I been all day gettin' back. "

"Who won the war?" asked the bright young goof behind thesoda-counter. 

"Huh, " ejaculated the ex-sergeant gruffly as he dug up the war-tax, "Ithink we bought it. "

A librarian confides to us that she was visited by a young lady whowished to see a large map of France. She was writing a paper on thebattle-fields of France for a culture club, and she just couldn't findFlanders Fields and No Man's Land on any of the maps in her books. 

The trouble with the peace table is that the Allies want it _à lacarte_, and Wilson wants it American plan--_table d'hôte_. 

_See also_ Exaggeration; Heroes; Soldiers; War. 

EUROPEAN WAR--POEMS

 _Gifts of the Dead_

 Ye who in Sorrow's tents abide, Mourning your dead with hidden tears, Bethink ye what a wealth of pride They've won you for the coming years. 

 Grievous the pain; but, in the day When all the cost is counted o'er, Would it be best that ye should say: "We lost no loved ones in the war?"

 Who knows? But proud then shall ye stand That best, most honored boast to make: "My lover died for his dear land, " Or, "My son fell for England's sake. "

 Christlike they died that we might live; And our redeemed lives would we bring, With aught that gratitude may give To serve you in your sorrowing. 

 And never a pathway shall ye tread, No foot of seashore, hill, or lea, But ye may think: "The dead, my dead, Gave this, a sacred gift, to me. "

 --_Habberton Lulhaut_. 

 The war is like the Judgment Day-- All sham, all pretext torn away; And swift the searching hours reveal Hearts good as gold, souls true as steel. Blest saints and martyrs in disguise, Concealed ere-while from holden eyes. 

 And now we feel that all around Have angels walked the well-known ground; Not winged and strange beyond our ken, But in the form of common men. God's messengers from Heaven's own sphere-- Unrecognized because so near. 

 --_Ella Fuller Maitland_. 

 _For Thee They Died_

 For thee their pilgrim swords were tried, Thy flaming word was in their scrips, They battled, they endured, they died To make a new Apocalypse. Master and Maker, God of Right, The soldier dead are at thy gate, Who kept the spears of honor bright And freedom's house inviolate. 

 --_John Drinkwater_. 

 _After-Days_. 

 When the last gun has long withheld Its thunder, and its mouth is sealed, Strong men shall drive the furrow straight On some remembered battle-field. 

 Untroubled they shall hear the loud. And gusty driving of the rains, And birds with immemorial voice Sing as of old in leafy lanes. 

 The stricken, tainted soil shall be Again a flowery paradise-- Pure with the memory of the dead And purer for their sacrifice. 

 --_Eric Chilman_. 

EVIDENCE

An attorney was defending a man charged by his wife with desertion. For a time it looked as tho it were a cinch for the prosecution, butat the psychological moment the attorney called the defendant to thestand. "Take off that bandage, " he cried, and the man did it, exposinga black eye. "Your honor, " said the attorney, "our defense is thatthis man is not a deserter. He's a refugee. "

The London police-sergeant raised his eyes from the blotter as twopolicemen propelled the resisting victim before him. 

"A German spy, sir!" gasped the first bobby. 

"I'm an American, and can prove it, " denied the victim. 

"That's what he says, but here's the evidence, " interrupted the secondbobby, triumphantly producing a bulky hotel-register from beneath hisarm, and pointing to an entry. 

"V. Gates, " written in a flowing hand, was the record that met theastonished sergeant's gaze. 

It happened in the court-room during the trial of a husky young manwho was charged with assault and battery. Throughout an especiallysevere cross-examination the defendant stoutly maintained that he hadmerely pushed the plaintiff "a little bit. "

"Well, about how hard?" queried the prosecutor. 

"Oh, just a little bit, " responded the defendant. 

"Now, " said the attorney, "for the benefit of the judge and thejury, you will please step down here and, with me for the subject, illustrate just how hard you mean. "

Owing to the unmerciful badgering which the witness had just beenthrough, the prosecutor thought that the young man would perhapsoverdo the matter to get back at him, and thus incriminate himself. 

The defendant descended as per schedule, and approached the waitingattorney. When he reached him the spectators were astonished to seehim slap the lawyer in the face, kick him in the shins, seize himbodily, and, finally, with a supreme effort, lift him from the floorand hurl him prostrate across a table. 

Turning from the bewildered prosecutor, he faced the court andexplained mildly:

"Your honor and gentlemen, about one-tenth that hard!"

An aged negro was crossing-tender at a spot where an express trainmade quick work of a buggy and its occupants. Naturally he was thechief witness, and the entire case hinged upon the energy with whichhe had displayed his warning signal. 

A gruelling cross-examination left Rastus unshaken in this story:The night was dark, and he had waved his lantern frantically, but thedriver of the carriage paid no attention to it. 

Later, the division superintendent called the flagman to his office tocompliment him on the steadfastness with which he stuck to his story. 

"You did wonderfully, Rastus, " he said. "I was afraid at first youmight waver in your testimony. "

"Nossir, nossir, " Rastus exclaimed, "but I done feared ev'ry minutethat 'ere durn lawyer was gwine ter ask me if mah lantern waslit. "--_Puck_. 

During a suit to recover damages following an automobile collision inthe Adirondacks, the complainant's attorney, a city lawyer, constantlyhectored the defendant's principal witness, a rough old guide, but wasunable to shake his testimony. 

During cross-examination the guide mentioned "havin' come across thetrail of a Ford. " The city lawyer jumped at this chance to discreditthe guide's evidence. 

"Do you mean to tell this court, " he demanded, "that you can determinethe make of a car by studying its track? How did you know it was aFord?"

"Well, sir, " drawled the guide, "I followed its trail about a hundredyards and found a Ford at the end of it. "

The magistrate looked severely at the small, red-faced man who hadbeen summoned before him, and who returned his gaze without flinching. 

"So you kicked your landlord downstairs?" queried the magistrate. "Didyou imagine that was within the right of a tenant?"

"I'll bring my lease in and show it to you, " said the little man, growing redder, "and I'll wager you'll agree with me that anythingthey've forgotten to prohibit in that lease I had a right to do thevery first chance I got. "

"As a matter of fact, " said the lawyer for the defendant, trying to besarcastic, "you were scared half to death, and don't know whether itwas a motor-car or something resembling a motor-car that hit you. "

"It resembled one all right, " the plaintiff made answer. "I wasforcibly struck by the resemblance. "

A religious worker was visiting a Southern penitentiary, when oneprisoner in some way took his fancy. This prisoner was a negro, who evinced a religious fervour as deep as it was gratifying to thecaller. 

"Of what were you accused?" the prisoner was asked. 

"Dey says I took a watch, " answered the negro. "I made a good fight. Ihad a dandy lawyer, an' he done prove an alibi wif ten witnesses. Denmy lawyer he shore made a strong speech to de jury. But it wa'n't nouse, sah; I gets ten years. "

"I don't see why you were not acquitted, " said the religious worker. 

"Well, sah, " explained the prisoner, "dere was shore one weak spot'bout my defence--dey found de watch in my pocket. "

Some time ago an elderly gentleman walking along the street saw alittle girl crying bitterly. Instantly his heart softened and hestopped to soothe her. 

"What is the matter, little girl, " he kindly asked; "are you hurt?"

"No, sir, " responded the child as her sobbing increased in volume, "Ilost my nickel!"

"There! There!" gently returned the kind-hearted citizen, digging intohis pocket. "Don't cry any more. Here is your nickel. "

"Why, you wicked man!" exclaimed the little girl, seizing the coin andglaring at the donor with flashing eyes. "You had it all the time!"

GRAMERCY--"Why don't you have your old car repainted?"

PARK--"Wouldn't think of such a thing. It's been stolen a dozen timesand has the finest collection of fingerprints you ever saw. "

A witness in a railroad case at Fort Worth, asked to tell in his ownway how the accident happened, said:

"Well, Ole and I was walking down the track, and I heard a whistle, and I got off the track, and the train went by, and I got back on thetrack, and I didn't see Ole; but I walked along, and pretty soon Iseen Ole's hat, and I walked on, and seen one of Ole's legs, and thenI seen one of Ole's arms, and then another leg, and then over one sideOle's head, and I says, 'My God! Something muster happen to Ole!'"

Facts are stubborn things. --_Smollett_. 

_See also_ Witnesses. 

EXAGGERATION

_A War Lexicon_

In a letter to the editor of the New York Sun an anonymous writergives the following important interpretations of various phrases of"Desperanto, " or the language indulged in by frantic telegraph editorson American newspapers:

Terrific Slaughter--Sixteen French and seventeen Germans wounded. 

Hurled Back--The withdrawal of an advanced outpost. 

Thousands of Prisoners--Three German farmers arrested. 

Deadly Air Battle--French aeroplane seen in the distance. 

Gigantic Army of Invasion--Two troops of cavalry on a reconnaissance. 

Overwhelming Force--A sergeant and a detail of twelve men. 

Fierce Naval Battle--Mysterious sounds heard at sea. 

Americans Outrageously Maltreated--One American asked to explain whyhis trunk contained maps of German roads. 

Bottled Up--A fleet at anchor. 

Trapped--An army in camp. 

Rout--An orderly retreat. 

Heroism--A failure of soldiers to run away in the face of danger. 

Decisive Conflict--A skirmish of outposts. 

A man with a look of business on his face came to a hotel-keeper, andasked him if he would buy two carloads of frogs' legs. 

"Two carloads!" said the man in amazement. "Why, I could not use themin twenty years!"

"Well, will you buy a carload?"

"No. "

"Twenty or thirty bushels?"

"No. "

"Twenty or thirty dozens?"

"No. "

"Two dozen?"

"Yes. "

A few days later the man returned with three pairs of legs. "Is thatall?" asked the landlord. 

"Yes; the fact is that I live near a pond, and the frogs made so muchnoise that I thought there were millions of them. But I dragged thepond with a seine, drained it and raked it, and there were only threefrogs in the whole place. "--_Life_. 

A certain young society man was much given to telling exaggeratedstories and was rapidly gaining a reputation for untruthfulness whichworried his friends and particularly his chum, who remonstrated withhim and threatened to disown him if he did not mend his ways. 

"Charlie, " said he, "you must stop this big story business of yours oryou are going to lose me as a friend. Nobody believes a word you say, and you are getting to be a laughing-stock. "

Charlie admitted that he was aware of the fact but complained that hecould not overcome his fault, try as he would. He suggested that hadhe but somebody beside him when he started to elaborate upon his tale, to tread on his foot, he was sure he could break the habit. 

A few days later they were invited to a dinner party and his chumagreed to sit next to Charlie and step on his toe if he went too far. All went well until the subject of travel was brought up. One of thecompany told of an immense building that he had seen when on a tripup the Nile. This started Charlie, who at once began to describea remarkable building he had seen while on a hunting trip on thenorthern border of India. 

"It was one of the most remarkable buildings, I presume, in theworld, " said he. "Its dimensions we found to be three miles inlength, two miles in height, and"--as his watchful friend trod on histoe--"two feet wide. "

The old sea captain was smoking comfortably by his fireside when Jack, his sailor son, burst in upon him. 

"Weather too rough, " explained the son, "so we've put in for the day. "

"Too rough!" exclaimed Mr. Tar, with visions of his own days at sea. "Why, sir, I was once sailing round the Cape when a storm came on, andit blew down the main-mast and the mizzen-mast was swept away, but wedidn't even think of putting in. "

"Well, you see, " exclaimed the son, "this storm was so bad that itblew the anchors off the captain's buttons, took the paint off theship's bows and--"

"Stop!" cried the old man. "You do me credit, Jack--you do me credit!"

EXAMINATIONS

PROF--"A fool can ask more questions than a wise man can answer. "

STUDE--"No wonder so many of us flunk in our exams!"

EXCUSES

In a Canadian camp somewhere in England a second George Washington hasbeen found. He, in company with several others, had been granted fourdays' leave, and, as usual, wired for extension. But no hackneyedexcuse was his. In fact, it was so original that it has been framedand now hangs in a prominent spot in the battalion orderly-room. Itran as follows:

"Nobody dead, nobody ill; still going strong, having a good time, andgot plenty of money. Please grant extension. "

And he got it!

FIRST OFFICER--"Did you get that fellow's number?"

SECOND OFFICER--"No; he was going too fast. "

FIRST OFFICER--"Say, that was a fine-looking dame in the car. "

SECOND OFFICER--"Wasn't she?"--_Puck_. 

TED--"Pity the rain spoiled the game today. "

NED--"But you got a check didn't you?"

TED--"Yes, but to get off I had to use up the best excuse I ever hadin my life. "--_Judge_. 

Johnny B----, who has seen eight summers go by, not very long agodeveloped a fondness for playing hooky from school. After two or threeoffenses of this kind he was taken to task by his teacher. 

"Johnny, " she said, "the next time you are absent I want you to bringme an excuse from your father telling me why you were not here. "

"I don't want to bring an excuse from my father, " protested the boy. 

"Why not?" asked the teacher, her suspicion plain. 

"'Cause father isn't any good at making excuses. "

In his Savannah camp Bill Donovan, baseball manager, had a dusky-huedwaiter at the hotel by the name of Sutton. Bill had to reproach Suttonmore than once for a lack of agility in arriving with the food. Sutton promised to improve. One morning he brought in a consignment ofgriddle-cakes that had gone cold. 

"What do you mean, " said Bill, "by bringing me in cold cakes?"

"Well, I'll tell you, boss, " said Sutton. "I brung them cakes in sofast that I guess they hit a draft. "

A country school-master had two pupils, to one of whom he was partial, and to the other severe. One morning it happened that these two boyswere late, and were called up to account for it. 

"You must have heard the bell, boys; why did you not come?"

"Please, sir, " said the favorite, "I was dreaming that I was going toMargate, and I thought the school-bell was the steam-boat-bell. "

"Very well, " said the master, glad of any pretext to excuse hisfavorite. "And now, sir, " turning to the other, "What have you tosay?"

"Please, sir, " said the puzzled boy, "I--I--was waiting to see Tomoff!"

"Waiter, bring me two fried eggs, some ham, a cup of coffee, and aroll, " said the first "commercial. "

"Bring me the same, " said his friend, "but eliminate the eggs. "

"Yessir. "

In a moment the waiter came back, leaned confidentially and penitentlyover the table, and whispered:

"We 'ad a bad accident just before we opened this mornin', sir, andthe 'andle of the 'liminator got busted off. Will you take yer heggsfried, same as this 'ere gentleman?"

EXECUTIVE ABILITY

Executive ability has been variously defined, but the following froman executive with a sense of humor seems to cover the whole subject. He said: "Executive ability is the ability to hire someone to do workfor which you will get the credit, and, if there is a slip-up, havingsomeone at whose door to lay the blame. "

_Qualifications for an Executive_

To do the right thing, at the right time, in the right way. To do somethings better than they were done before. To eliminate errors. To knowboth sides of a question. To be courteous. To set an example. Towork for the love of work. To anticipate requirements. To developresources. To master circumstances. To act from reason rather thanfrom rule. To be satisfied with nothing short of perfection. --_H. Gordon Selfridge_. 

EXPENSES

A story is told about a citizen whose daughter is about to be married, and who has been trying to get a line on what the expense of therather elaborate ceremony will be. He approached a friend of his, seeking information. 

"Morris, " he said, "your oldest daughter was married about five yearsago, wasn't she? Would you mind telling me about how much the weddingcost you?"

"Not at all, Sam, " was the answer. "Altogether, about five thousanddollars a year. "

Here is a story of the late Lord Haversham's schooldays. Glancingthrough his pocket book his mother saw a number of entries of smallsums, ranging from 2s. 6d. To 5s. , against which were the letters"P. G. " Thinking this must mean the Propagation of the Gospel, sheasked her son why he did not give a lump sum and a larger amount to sodeserving a cause. 

"That is not for the Propagation of the Gospel, " he replied. "When Icannot remember exactly on what I spend the money I put 'P. G. , ' whichmeans 'Probably grub. '"

"Don't you find it hard these times to meet expenses?"

"Hard? Man alive! I meet expenses at every turn. "

EXPERIENCE

"Did you ever realize anything on that investment?"

"Oh, yes. "

"What did you realize on it?"

"What a fool I had been. "

It is as easy to buy experience as it is difficult to sell it. 

"Have you ever had any experience in handling high-class ware?" askeda dealer in bric-à-brac of an applicant for work. 

"No, sir, " was the reply, "but I think I can do it. "

"Suppose, " said the dealer, "you accidentally broke a very valuableporcelain vase, what would you do?"

"I should put it carefully together, " replied the man, "and set itwhere a wealthy customer would be sure to knock it over again. "

"Consider yourself engaged, " said the dealer. "Now, tell me where youlearned that trick of the trade. "

"A few years ago, " answered the other, "I was one of the'wealthy-customer' class. "

Experience is a dead loss if you can't sell it for more than it cost. 

Experience converts us to ourselves when books fail us. --_A. BronsonAlcott_. 

 I know The past and thence I will essay to glean A warning for the future, so that man May profit by his errors, and derive Experience from his folly; For, when the power of imparting joy Is equal to the will, the human soul Requires no other heaven. 

 --_Shelley_. 

EXTRAVAGANCE

"What made you a multi-millionaire?"

"My wife. "

"Ah, her tactful help--"

"Nothing like that. I was simply curious to know if there was anyincome she couldn't live beyond. "

 The man who builds, and wants wherewith to pay, Provides a home from which to run away. 

 --_Young_. 

FAILURES

BROWN--"Back to town again? I thought you were a farmer. "

GREEN--"You made the same mistake I did. "--_Judge_. 

There are people who fail because they are afraid to make a beginning. Who are too honest to steal, but will borrow and never pay back. Whogo to bed tired because they spend the day in looking for an easyplace. Who can play a tune on one string, but it never makes anybodywant to dance. Who would like to reform the world, but have a frontgate that won't stay shut. Who cannot tell what they think aboutanything until they see what the papers have to say about it. 

A first failure is often a blessing. --_A. L. Brown_. 

To fail at all is to fail utterly. --_Lowell_. 

He only is exempt from failures who makes no efforts. --_Whately_. 

FAME

After an absence of four years a certain man went back to visit hisold home town. The first four people he met didn't remember him andthe next three didn't know he had been away. 

"That antagonist of yours says he is going to leave footprints in thesands of time. "

"He won't, " replied Senator Sorghum. "His mind is in the clouds. He isan intellectual aviator. When he comes down he will leave a dent, nota footprint. "

 Nor fame I slight, nor for her favors call: She comes unlooked for, if she comes at all. 

 --_Pope_. 

For what is fame, but the benignant strength of one, transformed tojoy of many?--_George Eliot_. 

Fame is the fragrance of heroic deeds. --_Longfellow_. 

FAMILIES

A Kansas man is reported to be the father of thirty-two children. It is not known whether he will apply for admission to the League ofNations or just let America represent him for the present. --_Punch(London)_. 

A census-taker was working in lower New York on the East Side, andcame to a tenement that was literally crowded with children. To thewoman who was bending over the washtub he said:

"Madam, I am the census-taker; how many children have you?"

"Well, lemme see, " replied the woman, as she straightened up and wipedher hands on her apron. "There's Mary and Ellen and Delia and Susieand Emma and Tommy and Albert and Eddie and Charlie and Frank and--"

"Madam, " interrupted the census man, "if you could just give me thenumber--"

"Number!" she exclaimed, indignantly. "I want you to understand thatwe ain't got to numberin' 'em yet. We ain't run out o' names!"

The census man when taking the census in a certain Canadian town askedof the head of the family the usual questions, one being, "How manychildren have you?"

The man answered, "Oh, I don't know, ten, twelve, fourteen or so. Iknow a barrel of flour lasts pretty damn quick. "

_See also_ Bluffing. 

FARMING

"It used to be said that anybody could farm--that about all thatwas required was a strong back and a weak mind, " mused the gauntMissourian. "But now'-days, to be a successful farmer a feller musthave a good head and a wide education in order to understand theadvice ladled out to him from all sides by city men and to select foruse that which will do him the least damage. "

PROFESSOR AT AGRICULTURAL SCHOOL--"What kinds of farming are there?"

NEW STUDENT--"Extensive, intensive, and pretensive. "

They were having an argument as to whether it was correct to say of ahen she is "setting" or "sitting, " and, not being able to arrive at asatisfactory conclusion, they decided to submit the problem to FarmerGiles. 

"My friends, " said he, "that don't interest me at all. What I wants toknow when I hear a hen cackle is whether she be laying or lying. "

"How many head o' live stock you got on the place?"

"Live stock?" echoed the somewhat puzzled farmer. "What d' ye meanby live stock? I got four steam-tractors and sevenautomobiles. "--_Judge_. 

The city youth secured a job with Farmer Jones. The morning after hisarrival, promptly at 4 o'clock, the farmer rapped on his door and toldhim to get up. The youth protested. 

"What for?" he asked, rubbing his eyes. 

"Why, we're going to cut oats, " replied the farmer. 

"Are they wild oats, " queried the youth, "that you've got to sneak upon 'em in the dark?"

"Aren't you afraid America will become isolated?"

"Not if us farmers keep raisin' things the world needs, " answeredFarmer Corntossel, "The feller that rings the dinner-bell never runsmuch risk of bein' lonesome. "

"How'd that city hired man of yours pan out?"

"Well, he started in Monday morning plowing corn. At 10 o'clock hestruck for a helper to lift the gangs out at the ends, and I sent thekid out to do that. At noon he struck for two pieces of strawberryshortcake instead of one, so I gave him my piece. At 1:15 he struckfor a sunshade on the corn plow. I says, 'Young man, this job is justlike a baseball game. Three strikes and you're out, Good-bye. '"

A rather patronizing individual from town was observing withconsiderable interest the operations of a farmer with whom he had putup for a while. 

As he watched the old man sow the seed in his field the man from thecity called out facetiously:

"Well done, old chap. You sow; I reap the fruits. "

Whereupon the farmer grinned and replied:

"Maybe you will. I am sowing hemp. "

_See also_ Failures. 

FASHION

"Isn't your wife dogmatic?"

"She was when Pomeranian pups were the style, but now she'sauto-matic. "

The fashion wears out more apparel than the man. --_Shakespeare_. 

"Women have queer ways. "

"How now?"

"The styles call for mannish hats. So my wife bought a mannish hat foreighteen dollars. "

"Well?"

"She could have bought a man's hat for four dollars. "

Women's fashions seem to be working around to the point where thevoice with the smile will have to be listed among the latest springstyles. 

The intrepid general was rallying her wavering female troops. 

"Women, " she cried, "will you give way to mannish fears?"

A muffled murmur of indecision ran through the ranks. 

"Shall it be said we are clothed in male armor?" shrieked the general. 

The murmur became a mumble. 

"Will you, " fiercely demanded the general, "show the white feather ina season when feathers are not worn?"

The effect was electrical. 

"Never!" roared the soldiers. And, forming into battle array, theyonce more hurled themselves upon the enemy. 

"You criticize us, " said the Chinese visitor, "yet I see all yourwomen have their feet bandaged. "

"That is an epidemic, " it was explained to him, gently, "which brokeout in 1914. Those are called spats. "

Little Tommy at the "movies" saw a tribe of Indians painting theirfaces, and asked his mother the significance of this. 

"Indians, " his mother answered, "always paint their faces before goingon the war-path--before scalping and tomahawking and murdering. "

The next evening after dinner, as the mother entertained in the parlorher daughter's young man, Tommy rushed downstairs, wide-eyed withfright. 

"Come on, mother!" he cried. "Let's get out of this quick! Sister isgoing on the war-path!"

Mrs. Will Irwin said at a Washington Square tea:

"The more immodest fashions would disappear if men would resolutelyoppose them. 

"I know a woman whose dressmaker sent home the other day a skirtthat was, really, too short altogether. The woman put it on. It wasbecoming enough, dear knows, but it made her feel ashamed. She enteredthe library, and her husband looked up from his work with a darkfrown. 

"'I wonder, ' she said, with an embarrassed laugh, 'if theseultra-short skirts will ever go out?'

"'They'll never go out with me, ' he answered in decided tones. "

Those reform preachers who designed the moral gown for women did agood job. Now to design a woman who will wear it. 

FAIR CUSTOMER (to salesman displaying modern bathing suit)--"Andyou're sure this bathing suit won't shrink?"

SALESMAN--"No, miss; it has nowhere to shrink to. "

POLICEMAN--"Lost yer mammy, 'ave yer? Why didn't yer keep hold of herskirt?"

LITTLE ALFRED--"I cou--cou--couldn't reach it. "

When ladies wore their dresses very low and very short, a wit observedthat "they began too late and ended too soon. "

FAIR CUSTOMER--"I'd like to try on that one over there. "

SALESMAN--"I'm sorry, madam, but that is the lampshade. "

The Fifth Avenue Bus having stopped, the lady at the top of the stairswas slow in descending. "Come on down, lady, " said the conductor in abored tone, "legs ain't no treat to me. "

FATE

 All human things are subject to decay, And when fate summons, monarchs must obey. 

 --_Dryden_. 

 All are architects of Fate, Working in these walls of Time: Some with massive deeds and great, Some with ornaments of rhyme. 

 --_Longfellow_. 

 Fate holds the strings, and Men like Children, move But as they're led: Success is from above. 

 --_Lord Lansdowne_. 

 One ship drives east, and another west With the self-same winds that blow; 'Tis the set of the sails And not the gales Which decide the way to go. 

 Like the winds of the sea are the ways of fate As we voyage along through life; 'Tis the will of the soul That decides its goal, And not the calm or the strife. 

FATHERS

"Dad, " said a Bartlesville, Okla. , kid to his father the other night, "I want to go to the show tonight. "

"A show at night is no place for a kid like you. You should be at homein bed. "

"But I peddled bills and have two tickets, " said the kid, as he beganto sniffle. 

"All right then, " answered dad. "I will go with you to see that youdon't get into trouble. "

Johnnie Jones was doing penance in the corner. Presently he thoughtaloud pensively:

"I can't help it if I am not perfect, " he sighed. "I have only heardof one perfect boy in my whole life. "

"Who was that?" his father asked, thinking to point out a moral. 

"You, " came the reply, plaintively, "when you were little. "

 _His Example_

 There are little eyes upon you, and they're watching night and day; There are little ears that quickly take in every word you say; There are little hands all eager to do everything you do, And a little boy that's dreaming of the day he'll be like you. 

 You're the little fellow's idol, you're the wisest of the wise; In his little mind about you no suspicions ever rise; He believes in you devoutly, holds that all you say and do He will say and do in your way when he's grown up just like you. 

 Oh, it sometimes makes me shudder when I hear my boy repeat Some careless phrase I've uttered in the language of the street; And it sets my heart to grieving when some little fault I see And I know beyond all doubting that he picked it up from me. 

 There's a wide-eyed little fellow who believes you're always right, And his ears are always open and he watches day and night. You are setting an example every day in all you do For the little boy who's waiting to grow up to be like you. 

"Now, there's some talk of a Father's Day. "

"Oh, father doesn't want a day. Give him a night off. "

"I was never so tired in my life. I've had a perfectly awful day. ButI got Father home safely, and that's something. It was his annual dayto be a boy again, to be a regular pal to me, as he likes to expressit. So I have been out in the woods with him. 

"I inferred from his remarks when he invited me to go that he intendedto win my confidence and help me in my troubles. But by noon he hadbroken his glasses, worn blisters on both heels, scraped his shins, lost his new fishing reel, sunk a rowboat, scalded his mouth, burnedhis bald spot in the sun and torn the seat out of his trousers, soI think he must have postponed whatever he had to say of an intimatenature. 

"If writers and lecturers only knew the suffering they bring toimpressionable parents by goading them into trying to be their boys'chums they certainly would cease their efforts out of sheer pity. "

FAULTS

"Everybody has his faults, " said Uncle Eben. "De principal differencein folks is whether dey's sorry for 'em or proud of 'em. "

It is so easy to find fault that self-respecting persons ought to beashamed to waste their energies in that way. 

It only takes a few minutes to find in others the faults we can'tdiscover in ourselves in a lifetime. 

A widely known Highland drover sold a horse to an Englishman. 

A few days afterward the buyer returned to him. 

"You said that horse had no faults. "

"Well, no mair had he. "

"He's nearly blind!" said the indignant Englishman. 

"Why, mon, that's no' his fau't--that's his misfortune. "

FEES

_See_ Tips. 

FICTION

The husband was seeing his beloved wife off for a holiday. "Maggie, dear, " he said, "hadn't you better take some fiction with you to whileaway the time?"

"Oh, no, George, " she said, "you'll be sending me some letters. "

FIGHTING

"Brudder Perkins, yo' been fightin', I heah, " said the coloredminister. 

"Yaas, Ah wuz. "

"Doan yo' 'membeh whut de good book sez 'bout turnin' de odder cheek?"

"Yaas, pahson, but he hit me on mah nose, an' I'se only got one. "

"Why do you look so sorrowful, Dennis?" asked one man of another. 

"I just hear-r-d wan man call another man a liar, and the man thatwas called a liar said the other man would have to apologize, or therewould be a fight. "

"And why should that make you so sad?"

"The other man apologized. "

"Johnny, it was very wrong for you and the boy next door to fight. "

"We couldn't help it, father. "

"Could you not have settled your differences by a peaceful discussionof the matter, calling in the assistance of unprejudiced opinion, ifneed be?"

"No, father. He was sure he could whip me and I was sure I could whiphim, and there was only one way to find out. "

"So you've been fighting again! Didn't you stop and spell your names, as I told you?"

"Y-yes; we did--but my name's Algernon Percival, an' his isJim!"--_Judge_. 

FINANCE

"Dad, " said little Reginald, "what is a bucket-shop?"

"A bucket-shop, my son, " said the father, feelingly, "a bucket-shopis a modern cooperage establishment to which a man takes a barrel andbrings back the bung-hole. "--_Puck_. 

"Dad, " said the financier's son, running into his father's office, "lend me six hundred. "

"What for, my boy?"

"I've got a sure tip on the market. "

"How much shall we make out of it?" asked the old man cautiously. 

"A couple of hundred sure, " replied the boy eagerly. "That's a hundredeach. "

"Here's your hundred, " said his father. "Let's consider that we havemade this deal and that it has succeeded. You make a hundred dollarsand I save five hundred. "

_Higher Authority_

"Mr. Brown is outside, " said the new office-boy. "Shall I show himin?". 

"Not on your life!" exclaimed the junior partner. "I owe him tendollars. "

"Show him in, " calmly said the senior member of the firm. "He owes metwenty-five. "

BUSINESS MAN (explaining)--"When they say 'money is easy, ' they meansimply that the supply is greater than the demand. "

HIS WIFE--"Goodness! I shouldn't think such a thing possible. "

SMITHSON--"Do you know that Noah was the greatest financier that everlived?"

DIBBS--"How do you make that out?"

SMITHSON--"Well, he was able to float a company when the whole worldwas in liquidation. "

"This car cost me thirty-five hundred dollars, Blathers, but I'lllet you have it for two thousand, eh? It's a clean gift of fifteenhundred, " said Bolivar. "Eh, what do you say?"

"No, " said Blathers, "I can't do that; but suppose you give me fivehundred dollars and keep the car, eh? Clean saving of a thousand, eh?What?"

The present financial situation gives the lie to the old adage thatExchange is no robbery. 

The man who had made a huge fortune was speaking a few words to anumber of students at a business class. Of course, the main theme ofhis address was himself. 

"All my success in life, all my tremendous financial prestige, " hesaid proudly, "I owe to one thing alone--pluck, pluck, pluck!"

He made an impressive pause here but the effect was ruined by onestudent, who asked impressively:

"Yes, sir; but how are we to find the right people to pluck?"

A young New Haven man, returning home from a health trip to Colorado, told his father about buying a silver mine for $3, 000. "I knew they'drope you in!" exclaimed the old man. "So you were ass enough to buy ahumbug mine. "

"Yes, but I didn't lose anything. I formed a company, and sold halfthe stock to a Connecticut man for $7, 000. "

"Y-you did, " gasped the old man as he turned white, "I'll bet I'm theone who bought it. "

"I know you are, " coolly observed the young man as he crossed his legsand tried to appear very much at home. 

FISH

The teacher asked, "Who can tell me what an oyster is?"

A small hand, gesticulating violently, shot up into the air, and ashrill voice called out. "I know; I can tell, teacher!"

"Well, Bobby, " said the teacher, "you may tell us what an oyster is. "

"An oyster, " triumphantly answered Bobby, "is a fish built like anut!"

"Dinah, did you wash the fish before you baked it?"

"Law, ma'am, what's de use ob washin' er fish what's lived all hislife in de water?"

"Ma'am, here's a man at the door with a parcel for you. "

"What is it, Bridget?"

"It's a fish, ma'am, and it's marked C. O. D. "

"Then make the man take it back to the dealer. I ordered trout. "

FISHERMEN

"I say, Gadsby, " said Mr. Smith, as he entered a fishmonger's with alot of tackle in his hand, "I want you to give me some fish to takehome with me. Put them up to look as if they'd been caught today, willyou?"

"Certainly, sir. How many?"

"Oh, you'd better give me three or four--mackerel. Make it look decentin quantity without appearing to exaggerate, you know. "

"Yes, sir. You'd better take salmon, tho. "

"Why? What makes you think so?"

"Oh, nothing, except that your wife was here early this morning andsaid if you dropped in with your fishing-tackle I was to persuade youto take salmon, if possible, as she liked that kind better than anyother. "

BELLEVILLE--"Is Glenshaw getting ready for the fishing season?"

BUTLER--"Well, I saw him buying an enlarging device for his camera. "

A returned vacationist tells us that he was fishing in a pond oneday when a country boy who had been watching him from a distanceapproached him and asked. "How many fish yer got, mister?"

"None yet, " he was told. 

"Well, yer ain't doin' so bad, " said the youngster. "I know a fellerwhat fished here for two weeks an' he didn't get any more than you gotin half an hour. "

Jock MacTavish and two English friends went out on the loch on afishing-trip, and it was agreed that the first man to catch a fishshould later stand treat at the inn. As MacTavish was known to be thebest fisherman thereabouts, his friends took considerable delight inassuring him that he had as good as lost already. 

"An', d'ye ken, " said Jock, in speaking of it afterward, "baith o'them had a guid bite, an' wis sae mean they wadna' pu in. "

"Then you lost?" asked the listener. 

"Oh, no. I didna' pit ony bait on my hook. "

FISHING

UNLUCKY FISHERMAN--"Boy, will you sell that big string of fish you arecarrying?"

BOY--"No, but I'll take yer pitcher holdin' it fer fiftycents. "--_Judge_. 

Two small boys went fishing and while one of them was having goodluck, the other didn't even get a bite. The unlucky lad silentlybegan to make preparation for departure. "Aw, wait a while, " urged theother. "You might be lucky if you keep at it. "

"There ain't no use, " was the disgusted reply, "my darned worm ain'ttryin'. "

"Some men, " said Uncle Eben, "goes fishin' not so much foh de sake ofde fish as foh de chance to loaf without bein' noticed. "

FLATTERY

The man who is not injured by flattery is as hard to find as the onewho is improved by criticism. 

Flattery is a sort of moral peroxide--it turns many a woman's head. 

"Oi hate flattery, " said O'Brien the other day. "Flattery makes yethink ye are betther than ye are, an' no man livin' can iver be that. "

THE CONVERSATIONALIST (to well-known author)--"I'm so delighted tomeet you! It was only the other day I saw something of yours, aboutsomething or other, in some magazine. "

WILBUR (indicating a couple in the background)--"Funny that such astunning-looking woman should marry such a dub as that. "

FLATTE--"Well, I don't know. No accounting for those things. Now, youtake your wife--she's a ripper. "--_Life_. 

The admiration which Bob felt for his Aunt Margaret included all herattributes. 

"I don't care much for plain teeth like mine, Aunt Margaret, " saidBob, one day, after a long silence, during which he had watched her inlaughing conversation with his mother. "I wish I had some copper-toedones like yours. "

A gentleman who discovered that he was standing on a lady's train hadthe presence of mind to remark:

"Tho I may not have the power to draw an angel from the skies, I havepinned one to the earth. " The lady excused him. 

"Sir, " said the angry woman, "I understand you said I had a face thatwould stop a street-car in the middle of the block. "

"Yes, that's what I said, " calmly answered the mere man. 

"It takes an unusually handsome face to induce a motorman to make astop like that. "

FOOD

DINER--"See here, where are those oysters I ordered on the halfshell?"

WAITER--"Don't get impatient, sah. We're dreffle short on shells; butyou're next, sah. "

During a particularly nasty dust-storm at one of the camps a recruitventured to seek shelter in the sacred precincts of the cook's domain. 

After a time he broke an awkward silence by saying to the cook:

"If you'd put the lid on that camp-kettle you would not get so much ofthe dust in your soup. "

The irate cook glared at the intruder, and then broke out: "See here, me lad. Your business is to serve your country. "

"Yes, " interrupted the recruit, "but not to eat it. "

It was a small café and the customer overheard this from the waiter:

"Don't throw that toast into the alley, chef. I gotta customer for aclub sandwich. "

WAITER--"And will you take the macaroni au gratin, sir?"

OFFICER--"No macaroni-by gad! It's too doocid difficult to mobilize. "

The second course of the table d'hote was being served. 

"What is this leathery stuff?" demanded the diner. 

"That, sir, is filet of sole, " replied the waiter. 

"Take it away, " said the diner, "and see if you can't get me a nice, tender piece from the upper part of the boot. "

The new boarder sniffed at the contents of his coffee-cup and set itdown. 

"Well, " queried the landlady in a peevish tone, "have you anything tosay against the coffee?"

"Not a word, " he answered. "I never speak ill of the absent. "

An attendant entered carrying a thin red object. 

"Did any patient order a postage stamp?"

"Maybe, " said one feebly, "that's my mutton chop rare. "

"Are caterpillars good to eat?" asked little Tommy at the dinnertable. 

"No, " said his father; "what makes you ask a question like that whilewe are eating?"

"You had one on your lettuce, but it's gone now, " replied Tommy. 

FOOD CONSERVATION

"Well, Ezri, how'd jer make out with yer boarders this year?"

"Fine! Best season I ever had. There was seven, all told--threecouples in love an' a dyspeptic. "--_Life_. 

The boarders were dropping hints as to the kind of dinner they'd liketo have on Christmas Day. But the landlady was astute. "What'sthe difference, " she asked the solemn man at the end of the table, "between a turkey dinner and a mess of stewed prunes?"

"I don't know, " he answered, suspicious of some entangling conundrum. 

"Does nobody know?" she asked, looking round the table. 

They all professed ignorance. "In that case, " she said, "I may as wellserve prunes at Christmas and save money. "

FOOLS

"Did you really call this gentleman an old fool last night?" asked thejudge. 

The prisoner tried hard to collect his thoughts. 

"Well, the more I look at him, the more likely it seems that I did, "he replied. 

A fool must now and then be right by chance. --_Cowper_. 

 Fools, to talking ever prone, Are sure to make their follies known. 

 --_Gay_. 

He explained it clearly to her: "Wise men hesitate, you see. None butfools will say they're certain. "

"Are you sure of that?" said she. 

"Yes, " he answered, "I am certain--certain as can be of that"

Then he wondered just what she was laughing at. 

Two Hebrews went in business together in a small town, and one wentto New York to buy the goods, while the other stayed at home. The onethat stayed at home got the bills a few days after his partner wasin New York. The bills came as follows: "24 doz. Neckwear and 8 doz. Ditto; 24 suits and 4 ditto; 18 pants and 12 ditto. " This ditto partbothered the one at home and he telegraphed his brother to come home. When his brother arrived he showed him the bills and said:

"Vat do it mean you shall buy ditto for a closing (clothing)business?"

His brother said: "I buy ditto?"

"Yes, here's de bills. "

"Vell, dey stuck me in New York. "

So he returned to New York and found that ditto meant the same. Hecame back home, and his brother meeting him at the depot said:

"Vell, Abie, did you find out vat ditto is?"

And Abie said: "Yes, I find out vat a ditto is--I'm a d--m fool andyou're a ditto. "

RAYMOND--"What the deuce do you mean by telling Joan that I am afool?"

GEORGE--"Heavens! I'm sorry--was it a secret?"

Fools never understand people of wit. --_Vauvenargues_. 

LEA--"I wonder if Professor Kidder meant anything by it?"

PERKINS--"By what?"

LEA--"He advertised a lecture on 'Fools, ' and when I bought a ticketit was marked 'Admit one. '"

FORDS

"So you bought one of those automobiles they tell so many funnystories about?"

"Yes, " replied Mr. Chuggins. "And it is saving me a lot of trouble andwear and tear. When your friends tell you jokes about your car theydon't expect you to ask them to ride in it. "

_If--With Apologies to Kipling_

If you can keep your Ford when those about you are selling theirsand buying Cadillacs; if you can just be tickled all to pieces whennotified to pay your license-tax; if you can feel a quiet sense ofpleasure when driving on a rough and hilly road, and never move amuscle of your visage when underneath you hear a tire explode; if youcan plan a pleasant week-end journey and tinker at your car a day orso, then thrill with joy on that eventful morning to find no skill ofyours can make it go; if you can gather up your wife and children, puton your glad rags, and start off for church, then have to wade aroundin greasy gearings and spoil the best of all your stock of shirts, yet through it all maintain that sweet composure, that gentle calmbefitting such events; if you can sound a bugle-note of triumph whensteering straight against a picket-fence; if you can keep your temper, tongue, and balance when on your back beneath your car you pose, and, struggling there to fix a balky cog-wheel, you drop a monkey-wrenchacross your nose; if you can smile as gasoline goes higher, and singa song because your motor faints--your place is not with common erringmortals; your home is over there among the saints!--_J. Edward Tufft_. 

It is admittedly difficult to recover a lost flivver. But the bestsuggestion comes from our own Mrs. Eckstrom, who advises an ad. :"Lizzie, come home; all is forgiven. "

"Why are school-teachers like Ford cars?"

"Because they give the most service for the least money. "--_Life_. 

"Yes, indeed, " argues the Ford salesman, "this little car is a greatinvestment. You put a few dollars into a Ford and right away it runsinto thousands. "

A flivver in Newton, Kan. , broke the arms of four persons whoattempted to crank it in less than a week. That's what comes ofcrossing a bicycle with a mule. 

Lew McCall says that motorists who come through Columbus en route forKansas City have about the following conversations when they stop atthe filling station here:

If it's a Cadillac, the driver says: "How far is it to Kansas City?""One hundred forty miles, " is the reply. "Gimme twenty gallons ofgas and a gallon of oil, " says the driver. Then comes a Buick and thechauffeur says: "How far is it to Kansas City?" "One hundred fortymiles. " "Gimme ten gallons of gas and a half-gallon of oil. " and hedrives on. Along comes a flivver and the driver uncranks himself, gets out and stretches, and asks: "How far is it to Kansas City?""Oh, about one hundred forty miles. " "Is that all? Gimme two quarts ofwater and a bottle of 3 in 1, and hold this son-of-a-gun until I getin. "

Possibly the apex of sarcasm or something was reached the other daywhen Jones took his flivver to a repair shop and asked the man therewhat was the best thing to do with it. 

The repair-man looked the car over in silence for several minutes, after which he grasped the horn and tooted it. "You've a good hornthere, " he remarked, quietly. "Suppose you jack it up and run a newcar under it?"

A Gentleman who was visiting his lawyer for the purpose of making hiswill, insisted that a final request be attached to the document. Therequest was, that his Ford car be buried with him after he died. Hislawyer tried to make him see how absurd this was, but failed, so heasked the gentleman's wife to use her influence with him. She did thebest she could, but she also failed. 

"Well, John, " she said finally, "tell me _why_ you want your Ford carburied with you?"

"Because I have never gotten into a hole yet but what my Ford couldpull me out, " was the reply. 

Young lady on a country road in a Ford car which has bucked andrefuses to move, asks a farmer who is plowing in an adjoiningfield--"Do you know anything about a Ford?"

"Nope--nuthin' except a lot of stories, ma'am--giddap. "

FOREIGNERS

TEACHER--"Who was the first man?"

HEAD SCHOLAR--"Washington; he was first in war, first in--"

TEACHER--"No, no; Adam was the first man. "

HEAD SCHOLAR-"Oh! if you're talking of foreigners, I s'pose he was. "

FORESIGHT

"Are you going to pay any attention to these epithets that are beinghurled at you?"

"Yes, indeed, " answered Senator Sorghum. "I'm having them allcarefully copied and filed away. I may need them when it comes my turnto call names. "

"Now, then, my hearties, " said the gallant captain, "you have a toughbattle before you. Fight like heroes till your powder is gone; thenrun. I'm a little lame, and I'll start now. "

FORGETFULNESS

_See_ Memory. 

FORTUNE HUNTERS

"This bill was innocent on its face, but beneath there lurked a mostsinister significance. "

The speaker, Senator Clarke, was discussing in Little Rock a measureof which he disapproved. 

"The bill reminded me, in fact, " he said, "of a Little Rock, urchin'squestion. His question, innocent enough in appearance, dear knows, wasthis:

"'Would you mind making a noise like a frog, uncle?'"

"'And why, ' said the uncle, with an amused smile, 'why, Tommy, do youdesire me to make a noise like a frog?'"

"'Because, ' replied the urchin, 'whenever I ask daddy to buy meanything he always says, 'Wait till your uncle croaks. '"

"Here's poetic justice for you. One of these oil-stock promotersmarried a woman for her money. "

"Yes?"

"Only to discover that she had invested it all in his oil stock. "

 "I wanted the gold, and I sought it; I scrabbled and munched like a slave. Was it famine or scurvy--I fought it; I hurled my youth into the grave. 

 "I wanted the gold and I got it-- Came out with a fortune last fall-- Yet somehow life's not what I thought it, And somehow the gold isn't all. "

 --_George Matthew Adams_. 

"Mamma, " said the Young Thing, "I want you to stop forcing me into Mr. Gottit's company all the time. People are talking. "

"But, my dear, " protested the Solicitous Lady, "he is a wonderfulcatch!"

"He may be, Mamma, but if you keep on thinking you are pitcher, he'llget onto your curves and throw the game. "

EDITH--"I think Jack is horrid. I asked him if he had to choosebetween me and a million which he would take, and he said themillion. "

MARIE--"That's all right. He knew if he had the million you'd beeasy, "

FOUNTAIN PENS

"Why do they call 'em fountain pens? I should say reservoir pen wouldbe the better name. A reservoir contains liquids; a fountain throws'em around. "

"I think fountain pen is the proper name, " said the party of thesecond part. 

FRANKLIN

Franklin, when ambassador to France, being at a meeting of a literarysociety, and not well understanding French when declaimed, determined to applaud when he saw a lady of his acquaintance expresssatisfaction. When they had ceased, a little child, who understoodFrench, said to him, "But, grand-papa, you always applauded theloudest when they were praising you!" Franklin laughed heartily andexplained the matter. 

FREAKS

 'Tis well to seek to be unique, But being too odd makes a freak. 

FREE VERSE

YOUNG THING--"I wonder why they call it free verse?"

THE POET--"That's simple. Did you ever try to sell any?"

FREEDOM OF SPEECH

Dean Jones of Yale is credited with this definition of freedom ofspeech: "The liberty to say what you think without thinking what yousay. "

"I believe in free speech!" exclaimed the vociferous man. 

"So do I, " rejoined Uncle Bill Bottletop; "so do I. But in one respectfree speech reminds me of the free lunch in the old days. You hate tosee a man making a pig of himself just because something's free. "

Words can be just as dangerous as acts. There is a common notion thatthe right of free speech implies the right to say anything we pleaseand relieves a man of all responsibility for his words. Every manshould recognize that hard words are just as dangerous as brickbats, and if he gets to throwing them around promiscuously he is liablefor the damage he does. Almost any opinion we have could be statedin terms that would not cause offense. Hard words are caused by ourconsciousness of the weakness of our position. They are symptoms ofimpotence. They arise from the feeling that a single statement of ourcase is not sufficient, and that the only way to make an impressionis by insult or abuse. A man who is satisfied with the justice of hisposition is content to state it in simple and inoffensive terms. --_Dr. Frank Crane_. 

"Sir, " screeched the wild-haired man, "are you opposed to freespeech?"

"Not unless I am compelled to listen to it, " replied old FestusPester. 

FRENCH LANGUAGE

"Does your son who is abroad with the troops understand French?"

"Oh, yes, but he says the people he meets there don't seem to. "

FRIENDS

 "A fellah come to me today And slapped me on the back And started makin', right away, The us'al sort of crack About how good a friend he was, How strong he was for me-- But friends don't need to tell you so, There's other ways to tell you so, " Says Charlie Cherokee. 

 "When makin' up my list of friends I try to git 'em all; The folks who give me recommends, Or loans, however small; I try to think of all they done A friend of mine to be. I find a rainy day is what Will tell you who's a friend or not, " Says Charlie Cherokee. 

 "I've never added to the list A man, like this one did, Who slapped my back and grabbed my fist And started in to kid. For friends don't need to say a word, Their friendship you can see, Can see it in a fellah's eyes-- For friends don't need to advertise, " Says Charlie Cherokee. 

 --_Douglas Malloch_. 

 A day for toil, an hour for sport, But for a friend life is too short. 

 --_Emerson_. 

It's a pretty safe guess that if you have no friends you have donesomething to deserve the fix you are in. 

A friend who is not in need is a friend indeed. 

 _Friends_

 Around the corner I had a friend, In this great city, that has no end. Yet days go by and weeks rush on And before I know it, a year has gone, And I never see my old friend's face, For life is a swift and terrible race. He knows I like him just as well As in the days when I rang his bell, And he rang mine, we were younger then And now we are busy, tired men, Tired of playing the foolish game, Tired with trying to make a name. "Tomorrow" I say, "I'll call on Jim Just to show him that I think of him, " But tomorrow comes, and tomorrow goes, And the distance between us grows and grows. Around the corner--yet miles away "Here's a telegram, sir" Jim died today. And that's what we get and deserve in the end, Around the corner, a vanished friend. 

 --_C. Hanson Towne_. 

_See also_ Borrowers. 

FRIENDSHIP

"Friendship, " said Uncle Eben, "don't mean no mo' to some folk dan alicense to borrow money. "

Friendship is a disinterested commerce between equals. --_Goldsmith_. 

 So long as we love we serve; So long as we are loved by others I would almost say that we are indispensable; And no man is useless while he has a friend. 

He removes the greatest ornament of friendship who takes away from itrespect. --_Cicero_. 

 Rejoice, and men will seek you; Grieve, and they turn and go, They want full measure of all your pleasure, But they do not need your woe. 

 Be glad, and your friends are many; Be sad, and you lose them all, -- There are none to decline your nectar'd wine, But alone you must drink life's gall. 

 --_Ella Wheeler Wilcox_. 

FUTURE

Youth measures the future with the straight, new ruler of the present;Old Age, by the frayed and patched plumb-line of the past. 

I announce myself unblushingly and with perfect confidence. Nobody hasanything on me. 

Nobody can ever supplant me in the affections and desires of men. I amsupreme mogul of the universe. 

Everybody is working for me. Asking nothing for myself, all men expecteverything of me. I withhold nothing and grant as little as I like. Men may doubt fire and the stars, but not me. 

Nobody ever saw me, yet I am the one reality. Nobody knows anythingabout me. So long as time shall last my secret is safe. Yet I amever on the lips of men. My name is lisped by the toddling infant andchortled by hoary-headed sages. 

I am the one that you will eventually disown. 

I am _tomorrow_. 

 _Tomorrow Never Arrives_

 Always lookin' forward to an easy-goin' time, When the world seems movin' careless like a bit of idle rime; A day when there is nothin' that kin make you sigh or fret; Always lookin' forward--but I haven't seen it yet. 

FUTURE LIFE

Mr. Tarzon Jones was sitting down to breakfast one morning when he wasastounded to see in the paper an announcement of his own death. 

He rang up his friend Howard Smith at once. "Halloa, Smith!" he said. "Have you seen the announcement of my death in the paper?"

"Yes, " replied Smith. "Where are you speaking from?"

TEACHER--"And what was Nelson's farewell address?"

BRIGHT BOY--"Heaven, ma'am. "

At the grave of the departed the old darky pastor stood, hat in hand. Looking into the abyss he delivered himself of the funeral oration. 

"Samuel Johnson, " he said sorrowfully, "you is gone. An' we hopes youis gone where we 'specks you ain't. "

POST--"A man can die but once. "

PARKER--"Once used to be enough, until these psychic experts gotbusy. "

A French biologist declares that by a freezing process, somewhatsimilar to that used in preserving fish, the span of human life canbe indefinitely extended. By going into cold storage here, we canpostpone a hot time hereafter. 

"Well, Bill, " asked a neighbor. "Hear the boss has had a fever? How'shis temperature today?"

The hired man scratched his head and decided not to commit himself. 

"'Tain't fer me to say, " he replied. "He died last night. "

A park orator returning home flushed with his oratorical efforts, andalso from other causes, found a mild curate seated opposite in thetram-car. "It may interest you to know, " he said truculently, "that Idon't believe in the existence of a 'eaven. " The curate merely nodded, and went on reading his newspaper. "You don't quite realize, " said thepark orator, "what I'm trying to make clear. I want you to understandthat I don't believe for a single, solitary moment that such aplace as 'eaven exists. " "All right, all right, " answered the curatepleasantly, "go to hell, only don't make quite so much fuss about it. "

A Massachusetts Senator was back home, looking after his politicalfences, and was asking the minister about some of his oldacquaintances. 

"How's old Mr. Jones?" he inquired. "Will I be likely to see himagain?"

"You'll never see Mr. Jones again, " said the minister. "Mr Jones hasgone to heaven. "

"Now, boys, " said the teacher in the juvenile Sunday-school class, "our lesson today teaches us that if we are good while here on earth, when we die we will go to a place of everlasting bliss. But suppose weare bad, then what will become of us?"

"We'll go to a place of everlasting blister, " promptly answered thesmall boy at the pedal extremity of the class. 

"I wish, reverend father, " said Curran to Father O'Leary, "that youwere St. Peter, and had the keys of heaven, because then you could letme in. "

"By my honor and conscience, " replied O'Leary, "it would be better foryou that I had the keys of the other place, for then I could let youout. "

FUTURIST ART

_Futurist Art_

Which one might worship--if he should wish--without breaking thesecond commandment because truly there is nothing like it "in theheavens above, in the earth beneath or in the waters under the earth. "

A painter of the "impressionist" school is now confined in a lunaticasylum. To all persons who visit him he says, "Look here; this is thelatest masterpiece of my composition. " They look, and see nothing butan expanse of bare canvas. They ask, "What does that represent?"

"That? Why, that represents the passage of the Jews through the RedSea. "

"Beg pardon, but where is the sea?"

"It has been driven back. "

"And where are the Jews?"

"They have crossed over. "

"And the Egyptians?"

"Will be here soon. That's the sort of painting I like; simple, suggestive, and unpretentious. "

The artist dipped his brush in a bucket of paint and wiped it acrossthe canvas several times horizontally. When he had done this he tookhis labor in hand and carefully placed it in an elaborate frame. 

"What's the idea?" his boon companion inquired. 

"Impressionistic study. "

"Do you mean to tell me that is a finished painting?"

"Certainly. "

"What are you going to call it?"

"A village street as seen from the rear seat of a motorcycle. "

GAMBLING

"Look, mother, " said Bobbie, exhibiting a handful of marbles, "I wonall those from Willie Smith. "

"Why, Bobbie!" exclaimed his mother; "don't you know it's wicked toplay marbles for 'keeps'? Go right over to his house and give backevery one. "

"Yes, mother, " said the boy obediently; "and shall I take that vaseyou won at Mrs. Jones' whist party, and give it back to her?"

"It's just as wrong to gamble when you win as when you lose. "

"Yassuh, " asserted Mr. Erastus Pinkley. "De immorality is jes' asgreat, but de inconvenience ain't. "

PROFESSOR--"Now I put the number seven on the board. What numberimmediately comes into your mind?"

CLASS (in unison)--"Eleven!"--_Burr_. 

SAM--"Ah done heard dat dey fine' Columbus's bones. "

EZRA--"Lawd! Ah never knew dat he wuz a gamblin' man. "

GARAGES

"What do they sell in that last garage besides gasoline, father?"

"'Besides, ' my son? You mean 'instead of. '"--_Life_. 

GARDENING

"I suppose you are going to raise potatoes in your garden?"

"I was, but when I read the directions for planting I found that itwould be impossible. They should be planted in hills, and my yard isperfectly level. "

WHAT HE SAID TO HIS WIFE--"If you want a garden this year you hadbetter hire somebody to make it. I'm not going to try it again. I'vefigured it out; and if I would spend on my business the time I put inon that garden I would make enough money to keep us in vegetables forfifty years. I am off it for life. "

WHAT HE SAID TO HIS NEIGHBOR--"I don't think I'll bother with a gardenthis year. It doesn't pay; I may do a little; but the digging and thelabor--I'm off that for life. "

WHAT HE SAID TO HIS PARTNER--"Well, how's the garden coming along?I'm not doing much with mine this year. What? How high did you say?Already? What seed did you use?"

WHAT HE SAID TO HIS WIFE WHEN HE GOT HOME AN HOUR EARLY THATDAY--"Call me when dinner's ready. I've got to get the garden startedtoday or I'll never raise a thing. "

GAS

DISSATISFIED HOUSEHOLDER--"Do you mean to say that this meter measuresthe amount of gas we burn?"

GAS COLLECTOR--"I will enter into no controversy, sir; but I may saythat the meter measures the amount of gas you will have to pay for. "

GENEROSITY

SUNDAY-SCHOOL TEACHER--"Now, Jimmy, I want you to memorize today'smotto, 'It is more blessed to give than to receive. '"

JIMMY--"Yes'm, but I know it now. My father says he has always usedthat as his motto in his business. "

TEACHER--"Oh, how noble of him! And what is his business?"

JIMMY--"He's a prize-fighter, ma'am. "--_Life_. 

Let us proportion our alms to our ability, lest we provoke God toproportion His blessings to our alms. --_Beveridge_. 

In this world, it is not what we take up, but what we give up, thatmakes us rich. --_Beecher_. 

GENIUS

WILLIE--"Paw, what is the difference between genius and talent?"

PAW--"Talent gets paid every Saturday, my son. "

 Time, place, and action, may with pains be wrought, But genius must be born, and never can be taught. 

 --_Dryden_. 

Who in the same given time can produce more than many others, hasvigor; who can produce more and better, has talents; who can producewhat none else can, has genius. --_Lavater_. 

 And genius hath electric power, Which earth can never tame; Bright suns may scorch, and dark clouds lower-- Its flash is still the same. 

 --_Lydia M. Child_. 

Taste consists in the power of judging; genius in the power ofexecuting. --_Blair_. 

GEOGRAPHY

Edgar, aged five, was driving from the station on his first visit toMaine. His mother, noticing a troubled look on his face as he lookedabout, said:

"What's the matter, dear? Don't you like the beautiful country?"

"Yes, mother, but on _my_ map Maine is _red_!"

FATHER--"Now James, get ready. I'm going to hear your geographylesson. What have the various expeditions to the North Poleaccomplished?"

JIMMY--"Nothin' 'cept to make the geography lessons harder. "

The geography lesson was about to begin, and the subject of it wasFrance. 

Accordingly, the teacher started off with the question: "Now in thispresent terrible war, who is our principal ally?"

"France, " came the answer from a chorus of voices. 

"Quite right, " said the teacher, beaming. "Now can any of you give methe name of a town in France?"

A small boy at the back of the class almost fell over in his eagernessto tell; "Somewhere, " he said, breathlessly. 

GERMANY

"Germany's claim that she imports nothing, buys only of herself, andso is growing rich from the war, is a dreadful fallacy. "

The speaker was Herbert C. Hoover, chairman of the American FoodBoard. 

"Germany, " he went on, "is like the young man who wisely thought he'dgrow his own garden-stuff. This young man had been digging for aboutan hour when his spade turned up a quarter. Ten minutes later he foundanother quarter. Then he found a dime. Then he found a quarter again. 

"'By gosh!' he said, 'I've struck a silver mine, ' and, straighteningup, he felt something cold slide down his leg. Another quarter lay athis feet. He grasped the truth: There was a hole in his pocket. "

GERMS

"You don't seem to pay any attention to these germs. "

"I don't talk about 'em any more than is necessary, " answered DocBraney. "I take all possible precautions and then try to ignore 'em. The meanest thing about a germ is that if he can't attack you anywhereelse, he tries to get on your mind. "

Daddy was confined to the house with Spanish influenza, and mother wasbusy sterilizing the dishes which had come from the sick-room. 

"Why do you do that?" asked four-year-old Donald. 

"Because, dear, poor daddy has germs, and the germs get on the dishes, so then I boil them, and that kills all the horrid germs. "

Donald turned this over in his little mind for several minutes. Then:

"Mother, why don't you boil daddy?"

"She is simply mad on the subject of germs, and sterilizes or filterseverything in the house. "

"How does she get along with her family?"

"Oh, even her relations are strained. "

Mrs. Robinson was an extremely careful mother and had repeatedlycautioned her six-year-old daughter against handling any object thatmight contain germs. One day the little girl came in and said:

"Mother, I am never going to play with my puppy any more, because hehas germs on him. "

"Oh, no!" replied her mother. "There are no germs on your puppy. "

"Yes, there are, " insisted the child. "I saw one hop. "--_Life_. 

GIFTS

When the captain of the fire department was about to resign, his menbanded together and purchased an elaborate, embossed silver horn topresent to him at a meeting in the town hall. The fireman whowas chosen to make the presentation practiced his speech for daysbeforehand. The chief, who had been informed of what was to happen, also practiced his speech of acceptance. They rehearsed together andwere "letter perfect" when they mounted the platform in the town hall. The throng which confronted them had, however, a disastrous effect. Holding the horn at arm's length, the fireman stalked across theplatform and with a ghastly expression on his face, said:

"Well, Bill, here's your horn!"

The chief rose slowly to his feet and gasped: "Hell! Is that it?"

 Not what we give, but what we share, For the gift without the giver is bare. 

 --_Lowell_. 

He gives twice who gives quickly. --_Syrus_. 

A gallant Tommy, having received from England an anonymous gift ofsocks, entered them at once, for he was about to undertake a heavymarch. He was soon prey to the most excruciating agony, and when, amere cripple, he drew off his foot-gear at the end of a terrible day, he discovered inside the toe of the sock what had once been a piece ofstiff writing-paper, now reduced to pulp, and on it appeared in bold, feminine hand the almost illegible benediction: "God bless the wearerof this pair of socks!"--_Punch_. 

We like the gift when we the giver prize. --_Sheffield_. 

_See also_ Christmas gifts. 

GIRLS

Son has just begun to go to school, and has much to say about the newlittle girls he meets, but every few days it is a different girlthat attracts him. His mother said, "I'm afraid, son, that you arechangeable. "

"'Tain't me that changes, mom, " he answered; "it's them, when you knowthem better. "

Girls we love for what they are; young men for what they promise tobe. --_Goethe_. 

GOD

A little girl traveling in a sleeping-car with her parents greatlyobjected to being put in an upper berth. She was assured that papa, mama, and God would watch over her. She was settled in the berth atlast and the passengers were quiet for the night, when a small voicepiped:

"Mama!"

"Yes, dear. "

"You there?"

"Yes, I'm here. Now go to sleep. "

"Papa, you there?"

"Yes, I'm here. Go to sleep like a good girl. "

This continued at intervals for some time until a fellow passengerlost patience and called:

"We're all here! Your father and mother and brothers and sisters anduncles and aunts and first cousins. All here. Now go to sleep!"

There was a brief pause after this explosion. Then the tiny voicepiped up again, but very softly:

"Mama!"

"Well?"

"Was that God?"

GOLF

FIRST NEWSBOY--"Chimmie's got a job as caddie for a golf club. Is deremuch money in dat?"

SECOND DITTO--"De salary ain't much, but dey makes a lot extra backin'up fellers when dey lies about de scores dey made. "

An Irishman was suddenly struck by a golf-ball. 

"Are you hurt?" asked the player. "Why didn't you get out of the way?"

"An' why should I get out of the way?" asked Pat. "I didn't know therewas any assassins round here. "

"But I called 'fore, '" said the player, "and when I say 'fore, ' thatis a sign for you to get out of the way. "

"Oh, it is, is it?" said Pat. "Well, thin, whin I say 'foive, ' it is asign that you are going to get hit on the nose. 'Foive. '"

"What do you think is the most difficult thing for a beginner to learnabout golf?"

"To keep from talking about it all the time. "

The golfer who was employing him was playing very badly, and thecaddie threw himself down on the grass at one point and watched him. When the man had at last succeeded in getting his ball out of thebunker, he glanced toward the boy and remarked: "You must be tired, lying down at this time of day. "

"I ain't tired of carrying, " said the caddie, "but I certainly amtired of counting. "

"What is considered a good score on these links?"

"Well, sir, " replied the youthful caddie solemnly, "most of the gentstries to do it in as few strokes as they can, but it gin'r'lly takessome more. "

"Look, grandpaw, a new gowf ba' I foond, lost on the links. "

"Are ye sure it was lost, Sandy?"

"Oo, ay; I saw the mannie an' his caddy lookin' for it. "

 _Reflections of a Class A Caddie_

 One swallow does not make a golfer--it only helps. You may chip, you may wallop the ball if you will, But the slash of the duffer will cling round it still. Look before you cheat. Every water hole has a silver lining--ask the boat boy. To stymie is human; to lift up divine. Half a stroke is better than none. He laughs last who putts best. When in doubt, hole out. 

Two golf fiends--an Englishman and a Scot--were playing a roundtogether. After the first hole the Englishman asked:

"How many did you take?"

"Eight, " replied the Scot. 

"Oh, I only took seven, so it's my hole!" exclaimed the Englishman, triumphantly. 

After the second hole the Englishman put the same question again. Butthe Scot smiled knowingly. 

"Na, na, ma man, " said he; "it's ma turn tae ask first!"

GOSSIP

"They say--"

"Who say?"

"Oh, all the people who don't matter. "

"Germany's attitude toward peace is ominous, " said General LaurinLawson at a luncheon in Louisville. "

"Germany reminds me, in fact, of the new parlor-maid whose mistresssaid to her:"

"'And above all things, I expect you to be reticent. '"

"'Yes, ma'am, certainly, of course, ma'am, ' said the new maid. "

"Then she leaned toward her mistress with shining eyes. "

"'And what's there to be reticent about, ma'am?' she asked. "

"Now this is a secret and you mustn't tell anybody. "

"Rest assured that I won't tell that secret to anybody, dear. I haveno desire to figure as a female Rip Van Winkle. That secret is atleast three weeks old. "

Women talk among themselves about other people. Men talk to otherpeople about themselves. 

 If you want to know a woman Who can play a game of tag With Truth until it's spent beyond repair, Who can start a thousand rumors, Set ten thousand tongues a-wag Till there's nothing left of Gospel in the air, Who can get you into trouble And your reputation smirch-- It's Mrs. Grundy On a Sunday When she's walking home from church. 

 --_Katharine Eggleston Roberts_. 

"They tell me that woman is a gossip. Do you think she is reliable?"

"I know that whatever she says goes. "

"It's just an idle rumor. "

"Well, my wife's bridge club is in session. If those ladies get holdof that idle rumor, they'll soon put it to work. "

A gossip is one who can make a mountain out of a molehill and thenbring it to you. 

Conversation being dull at an evening party, the hostess requested oneof her guests to go home, that the rest might have somebody to talkabout. 

GOVERNMENT OWNERSHIP

They were looking down into the depths of the Grand Cañon. 

"Do you know, " asked the guide, "that it took millions and millions ofyears for this great abyss to be carved out?"

"Well, well!" ejaculated the traveler. "I never knew this was agovernment job. "

"I presume you're mighty glad the war is over. "

"Well, I don' jes' know about dat, " answered Mandy. "Cose I'se glad tohave my Sam back home an' all dat, but I jes' know I ain't never gwinet'get money from him so regular as I did while he wuz in de Army an'de Government wuz handlin' his financial affairs. "

"So you approve of the Government's action in taking over therailroads. "

"Yep, " replied Mr. Growcher. "I approve of that and prohibition forseveral reasons, one of them being that now a lot of people can quitlecturing on the subject and go to work. "

NULLERFORD--"Do you know anybody who favors government control of therailroads?"

FONDERHAM--"I know one man. He lives fifty miles from the nearestrail; never does any traveling or shipping; has a son who's aconductor, a nephew who's a brakeman, a daughter who works in arailroad office, and two grandsons who are going to be firemen. "

GRATITUDE

At least one Washington débutante has candor and humor in large andequal parts. Thus, her denial of a rumor that she was engaged:

"There is not a word of truth in it, but thank God for the report!"

"You did me a favor ten years ago, " said the stranger, "and I havenever forgotten it. "

"Ah, " replied the good man with a grateful expression on his face, "and you have come back to repay me?"

"Not exactly, " replied the stranger. "I've just got into town and needanother favor, and I thought of you right away. "

"Thankful? What have I to be thankful for? I can't pay my bills. "

"Then, man alive, be thankful you are not one of your creditors. "

GUARANTEES

"Say, " said the man as he entered the clothing-store. "I bought thissuit here less than two weeks ago, and it is rusty-looking already. "

"Well, " replied the clothing-dealer, "I guaranteed it to wear likeiron, didn't I?"

HABIT

Before becoming a hotel clerk he had worked in a grocery store. 

"Is Judge David Poggenburg stopping here?" asked an impressive-lookingstranger approaching the desk. 

"No, " replied the clerk with his most winning manner, "but--er--wehave something else just as good. "

He was engaged to the daughter of a literary man. He was bold as awooer, but the veriest coward when it came to approaching the fairone's father. So he waited outside the great man's study while the"fayre ladye" did the tackling. In five minutes she was out again andon her dress was pinned a slip of paper bearing the words:

"With the author's compliments. "

"I took that pretty girl from the store home the other night, andstole a kiss. "

"What did she say?"

"Will that be all?"

The two American war correspondents were gazing at the conflict whenWinkletop caught sight of a gallant officer leading a charge. 

"His face is strangely familiar, " he said. "That Greek lieutenant, Imean--"

"Yes, " said Blithers. "He used to run the bootblacking stand in thatbarber-shop over on Steenth Avenue and Umptyiph Street. "

And just then the noble warrior dashed madly past, and, forgettinghimself under the excitement of the moment, turned and cried aloud tohis advancing troops:

"Next! Shine!"

And the indomitable phalanx moved steadily up the hill, giving theenemy the worst polishing-off they had had since war was declared. 

RELATIVE--"He is sleeping so quietly that I wonder if we will knowwhen the end comes. "

WIFE OF DYING FIRST-NIGHTER--"Yes, we will. He will get up and go outabout five minutes before the end. "--_Puck_. 

HURRY--"What's happened to Speeder. I haven't seen him for weeks?"

CANE--"Oh, he tried all the different makes of cars and then bought anaeroplane. "

HURRY--"Has he crashed?"

CANE--"Well, not exactly. He started on a cross-country flight theother day, heard something rattle and absent-mindedly climbed out tolook under the machine. "

"For ten years, " said the new boarder, "my habits were as regular asclockwork. I rose on the stroke of six, and half an hour later was atbreakfast; at seven I was at work; dined at one; had supper at six, and was in bed at nine thirty. Ate only plain food, and hadn't a day'sillness all the time. "

"Dear me!" said a hearer, in sympathetic tones; "and what were you infor?"

DOCTOR--"I have to report, sir, that you are the father of triplets. "

POLITICIAN--"Impossible! I'll demand a recount. "--_Puck_. 

 Ill habits gather by unseen degrees, As brooks make rivers, rivers run to seas. 

 --_Dryden_. 

 "Habit" is hard to overcome. If you take off the first letter, it does not change "a bit. " If you take off another, you have a "bit" left. If you take still another the whole of "it" remains. If you take still another, it is not "t"-totally used up. All of which goes to show that if you wish to be rid of a "habit, " you must throw it off altogether. 

"Why did your wife leave you?"

"Force of habit, I guess. She was a cook before I married her. "

BRIGGS--"You mustn't take offense if I speak to you about something Ihave had on my mind for some time, just a little habit of yours. "

GRIGGS--"Certainly not. "

BRIGGS--"Nobody has ever had the nerve to tell you before. And you aresuch a splendid, noble fellow. "

GRIGGS--"Yes, yes. "

BRIGGS--"You're one of those fellows who never really know what isbeing said to them; you're always pursuing some train of thought. Anyone can tell half the time you are not listening by the far-awaylook in your eyes. You've offended a lot of people. Of course, it'sterribly rude--only you don't know it. You mustn't any more, old chap(putting his hands on Grigg's shoulder). Promise me you'll quit. "

GRIGGS (obliged to face him)--"Just what were you saying?"

"That cashier is a cool chap. "

"How so?"

"A thug with a revolver ordered him to hand out the bank's cashyesterday, but he said he couldn't do it unless the thug wasidentified. This took the fellow so aback, he hesitated a moment andwas nabbed. "

Some time ago, when a local corps was reviewed by Sir Ian Hamilton, one officer was mounted on a horse that had previously distinguisheditself in a bakery business. Somebody recognized the horse, andshouted, "Baker!" The horse promptly stopped dead, and nothing couldurge it on. 

The situation was getting painful when the officer was struck with abrilliant idea, and remarked, "Not today, thank you. " The processionthen moved on. 

"This makes the fourth time I have had to punish you this week, Sylvester, " chided the teacher. "Do you wonder why?"

"Nope!" replied Skinny Smith. "You've got the habit, that's all. "

HADES

_See_ Future life. 

HAPPINESS

"Happiness is merely a state of mind, " quoted the Parlor Philosopher. 

"If you mean happiness is imaginary I quite agree with you, " repliedthe Mere Man. "Just watch a fellow enjoying his fifty-cent cigar, whenhe knows very well it's really the old five-center he used to scorn. "

 Keep happy when the weather's fair, Hum with the cheerful throng; Be glad that God has let you share The joys of sun and song. Keep happy when the weather's wet The sun may hide to-day; But back of the clouds, I'll bet, He's smiling, anyway!

 --_Luke McLuke_. 

 All who joy would win Must share it--Happiness was born a twin. 

 --_Byron_. 

Happiness is not a fixed quantity, like the world's gold supply: sothat the more one man has the less his neighbor is likely to have. Real happiness is an infection. You can never force it upon any one. Each individual must "take" it. I have heard people say, as explainingthe misery of many, that there is not enough happiness to go around. But the comment misses the very nature of happiness. The more there isin the world, the more there is likely to be. The larger the numberof happy people the faster the infection will spread. But each mustinvite it. One child is happy with the crudest sort of toy, whereasanother child is unhappy with an armful of toys. To the latter kindof soul, grown or ungrown, you can never give happiness, for there arenot enough toys to supply everybody. Happiness is of the heart not ofcircumstances. 

After reading a poem about a little boy who was so happy because therewere lovely flowers, beautiful birds, blue sky and running brooks, eight-year-old William remarked:

"Those things would never make me happy, Miss Jones. "

"Why, William, " replied his teacher, "what would it take to make youhappy?"

"Saturdays!" was the prompt reply. --_Harper's_. 

The good fairy brought an ingot of lead and an ingot of gold and laidthem before him. "Choose!" she said, simply. 

The child thought a moment, and chose the lead. 

"It's no heavier to carry, it's just as good to eat, and it won't makeeverybody hate me!" quoth he. 

The good fairy laughed. 

"You can be happy without any help from me, " she chirped, and flewaway. 

HASH

The literary boarder fastened his eyes upon the hash. 

"Kindly pass the Review of Reviews, " he said. 

They had hash on Monday for dinner, after a roast of beef on Sunday, as happens in all well-regulated families. Father had said grace, whenBobbie said:

"I don't see why you asked another blessing this evening, father. Youdid it yesterday over this. It's the same old stuff. "

SHE (thoughtfully)--"Did you ever think much about reincarnation, dear?"

'18 (otherwise)--"Think about it? I eat it nearly every day--only wecall it hash. "

HASTE

Ten people hurry, to catch up where one hurries to get ahead. 

The more haste, ever the worst speed. --_Churchill_. 

Whoever is in a hurry shows that the thing he is about is too big forhim. Haste and hurry are very different things. --_Chesterfield_. 

HEAVEN

A Sunday-school teacher was quizzing her class of boys on the strengthof their desire for righteousness. 

"All those who wish to go to heaven, " she said, "please stand. "

All got to their feet but one small boy. 

"Why, Johnny, " exclaimed the shocked teacher, "do you mean to say thatyou don't want to go to heaven?"

"No, ma'am, " replied Johnny promptly. "Not if that bunch is going. "

THE COOK--"Sir! Sir! There's a _Zep'lin_ outside and if you don't comewi' the keys of the cellar, we'll all be in--in--heaven in a couple o'minutes!"

THE CURATE--"God forbid!"

One of the prominent deacons in an Ohio church was seriously ill. As he was very popular among the congregation, a bulletin board wasposted in front of the church to inform of his condition. It read:

"One o'clock. Deacon Jones very ill. "

"Two o'clock. Deacon Jones is worse and sinking rapidly. "

"Three o'clock. Deacon Jones dead. "

A traveling man passing by that evening read the bulletin and, seeingno one in sight, added at the bottom:

"Seven o'clock. Great excitement in Heaven. Deacon Jones has notarrived. The worst is feared. "

"Ma, do cows and bees go to heaven?"

"Mercy, child, what a question! Why?"

"Cause if they don't, the milk and honey the preacher said was upthere must be all canned stuff. "

"Say, mama, was baby sent down from heaven?"

"Why, yes. "

"Um. They like to have it quiet up there, don't they?"

_See also_ Future life. 

HELL

_See_ Future life. 

HEREDITY

"What is heredity?"

"Something a father believes in until his son starts to act like afool. "

HEROES

"So you won the Distinguished Service Cross for conspicuous bravery inextreme danger. Didn't you feel shaky?"

"Not until I lined up for the general to pin it on me. "

An average American soldier. 

One opportunity to serve. 

Equal parts of danger and courage. 

A sense of duty. 

A hot enemy fire. 

The other day I met in the street a man in uniform. His coat sleeveswere embroidered from shoulder to cuff with bars, stripes, insigniaand chevrons of the most gorgeous colors and fantastic designs. Mycuriosity was too much for me, and I was about to stop and questionhim, when I discovered he had already halted and was bursting to tellme. 

"Yes, " he announced, "they are every one authorized by the WarDepartment. These three octangular triangles of orange mean my thirdcousin did a good deal of war work. These ten vertical mauve stripesare ten embarkations; the ten horizontal stripes denote ten timessea-sick. "

"Then you never reached France, " I sympathized. 

"No, but this gray dot indicates extreme disappointment. Now thesepink crosses--"

But I hurried off, and almost ran into a limping soldier with only asmall gold chevron on each arm. My curiosity again overcame me. "Myboy, how came you by those?" I asked, feeling assured he could not saymuch about only two chevrons. He did not. 

"Well, " he answered as he passed, "I was abroad for a while, and Ihappened to kind of go a little lame. "

Upon a wharf where the Yanks were disembarking a reporter buttonholeda rosy-cheeked private. 

"Are you one of the heroes?" the newspaper man asked, with notebookready to record a stirring tale of heroism. 

"Naw, " was the blushing reply. "I'm only a common doughboy. But thelieutenant, over there, is one. "

To the officer indicated went the reporter. 

"I'm told you're a hero, sir, " he said. 

"No, " laughed the lieutenant. "I merely happened to be on the job whensomething needed to be done, and I did it. However, I can refer youto the simon-pure article. " And he pointed out a sergeant with threewound stripes upon his sleeve. 

"Not guilty, " declared the sergeant, when questioned. Then, his eyeskindling with admiration, he waved toward a figure standing somewhataside from the throng. "Talk to the major. You couldn't string on afat man's bay window the medals he's got, and ought to have. "

"Nonsense!" ejaculated the major, amusedly. 

"That's what you all say!" cried the reporter, in despair. "Ishero-ing a criminal career?"

Chuckling, the major beckoned to an ebony-hued stalwart. 

"Rastus, " the major said, when the Senegambian saluted and steppedforward, "this gentleman is looking for a hero. I think you are one. "

"You might say I am, sah. Dey wasn't a wusser, dangerouser job in dearmy dan mine. "

"What was it?" eagerly inquired the reporter. 

"Mistah, " Rastus solemnly informed him. "I drove a mule team plumbthoo dis wah. "

--_Terrell Love Holliday_. 

"How perfectly splendid to think you're one of the heroes who wentover there to die for your country!"

"Like h--- I did, ma'am! I went over to make some other guy die forhis. "--_Life_. 

FATHER (endeavoring to blend instruction and amusement)--"Yes, children, Mr. Lloyd George saved his country just as Joan of Arc savedFrance. "

BRIGHT CHILD--"And when are they going to burn Mr. Lloyd George, daddy?"

HIGH COST OF LIVING

_See_ Cost of living. 

HINTING

Despite the chilly spring day little Wilbur was out playing withouthis coat. This worried a neighbor, but her advice went unheeded. Finally, she said: "Wilbur, go home and get your coat, and when youcome back I'll give you a piece of cake. "

The bribe worked, and Wilbur soon returned with his coat on andwas duly rewarded. Next day he knocked at the door to announcesignificantly:

"I ain't got my coat on today. "

HISTORY

After reading the famous poem, "The Landing of the Pilgrim Fathers, "to the class, the teacher said: "As a drawing exercise suppose youeach draw, according to your imagination, a picture of Plymouth Rock. "

All but one little fellow set to work. He paused and finally raisedhis hand. 

"What is it, Edgar?" the teacher asked. 

"Please, ma'am, " Edgar piped out, "do you want us to draw a hen or arooster?"

HOME

The beauty of the house is order; the blessing of the house iscontentment; the glory of the house is hospitality; the crown of thehouse is godliness. 

Home--The place where we are treated best and grumble most. 

Home--A world of strife shut out, and a world of love within. 

It is said that home is the place where a man hangs his hat, but witha woman it is different. There is a rocker with a worn cushion, aclock that doesn't keep time, a quilt that is worn, a strip of carpetthat is faded, a few old family pictures, an old-fashioned vase, ameat platter, a cup and a few plates that do not match and are chippedaround the edges. These, and a few more, known in feminine language as"her own things, " are needed, in the final reckoning, to make a placea home for a woman. 

"Some day you'll be rich enough to retire from business. "

"Give up my nice, pleasant office and stay home?" rejoined Mr. Growcher. "I should say not. "

HOME BREW

TIPS--"Why not try a home-brew receipt?"

TAPS--"It's this way. If I meet a friend under the influence of theforbidden, I'm afraid he isn't able to give the receipt correctly, and when I meet a man who has had a few drinks and doesn't feel anyhappier, I'll be darned if I want the receipt. "

LADY--"You say your father was injured in an explosion? How did ithappen?"

CHILD--"Well, mother says it was too much yeast, but father says itwas too little sugar. "

Country people call them cellars; city people call them basements, andsome people should call them breweries. 

"Did you ever hear about that home brew blowing up?"

"Yes, " replied Uncle Bill Bottletop. "If the appropriations forprohibition enforcement don't hold up, maybe we can curb the liquorevil by bringin' it under the regulations provided for handling highexplosives. "

A Detroit firm advertises "The ideal still survives. " A good manypeople interested suddenly in the raisin crop, who have been tryingto construct home-made stills, will be hard to convince that any stillsurvives--much less an ideal one. 

HOMELINESS

_See_ Beauty, Personal. 

HOMESICK

"You ought to be contented and not fret for your old home, " said themistress as she looked into the dim eyes of her young Swedish maid. "You are earning good wages, your work is light, every one is kind toyou, and you have plenty of friends here. "

"Yas'm, " said the girl, "but it is not the place where I do be thatmakes me vera homesick; it is the place where I don't be. "

HONESTY

"No, " said the old man, sternly. "I will not do it. Never have I soldanything by false representation, and I will not begin now. "

For a moment he was silent, and the clerk who stood before him couldsee that the better nature of his employer was fighting strongly forthe right. 

"No, " said the old man, again. "I will not do it. It is an inferiorgrade of shoe, and I will never pass it off as anything better. Markit, 'A Shoe Fit for a Queen, ' and put it in the window. A queen doesnot have to do much walking. "

George, the elderly waiter, entered the office of the famous solicitorwho usually lunched at his table in a certain restaurant and asked tosee the chief. 

"Well, George, " asked the man of law, when the waiter was shown in, "what can I do for you? In trouble?"

"No, sir, not exactly that; but I've got a chance of a good job at theHotel Splendide, and I was wondering if you'd be so kind as to writeme a testimonial, saying I'm a good waiter, and honest, and so forth, sir?"

"Well, George, of course I know you're a good waiter, but I don'tknow anything else about you. How do I know, for example, that you'rehonest?"

"Oh, well, I am, sir! You'll be quite safe in saying that. "

"Very good. I'll write it, then. "

"Thank you very much indeed, sir! And if at any time you come tothe Splendide and want a good lunch or dinner, be sure to come to mytables, and I'll make you out a bill at half-price. "

 Aye, sir: to be honest, as this world goes, is to be one man pick'd out of two thousand. --_Shakespeare_. 

Two piles of apples lay on the ground. One contained a large-sized androsy selection; the fruit of the other was green and small. 

"Large on the top, sir, and small at the bottom?" inquired the newassistant of his master, as he prepared to fill a barrel. 

"Certainly not!" replied the farmer, virtuously. "Honesty is the bestpolicy, my boy. Put the little apples at the top, and the large onesat the bottom. "

The assistant complied. His master was evidently as green as hisgreenest fruit. 

"Is the barrel full, my lad?" asked the farmer. 

"Yes, " answered the assistant. 

"Good. " said the farmer, "Now turn it upside down and label it!"

The man who fails to keep his word, soon finds that he cannot give hisword. 

"Do you believe honesty is the best policy?" "Well, it has thedeferred dividend feature. "

A Vermonter had returned home after a visit to Boston. Someone askedhim what he thought of the big city. 

"It's a fine place, all right, but the folks there ain't honest, " hereplied. 

"Not honest! Where'd you get that idea?"

"Why, I bought a roll of pins there labeled 'A Hundred Pins for FiveCents, ' and coming home on the train I counted them; they were elevenshort. "

HORSES

Two men thrown together at a horse-show were discussing theiradventures with the equine tribe. 

"A horse ran away with me once, and I wasn't out for two months, "remarked the man with the Trilby hat. 

"That's nothing!" replied the man with the bowler. "I ran away with ahorse once, and I wasn't out for two years!"

A motor car was held up in a busy street by a wagon drawn by twohorses. The driver seemed in no hurry to get out of the way, and atlength one of the occupants of the motor car exclaimed sarcastically:

"Here, I say, my man! What are those things you are driving? What arethey for, I should like to know?"

"These 'ere, guv'nor?" answered the carter, flicking the horses withhis whip. "Oh, these is wot is commonly called 'orses, an' they'resometimes used fer to take motorists to the 'orspital!"

"Do you think the motor will entirely supersede the horse?"

"I hope not, " replied Farmer Corntossel. "There must be some marketfur hay. I depend on what I make on hay to buy gasoline. "

HOSPITALITY

Uncle Tobey was an hospitable soul. He wanted no guest in his houseto be stinted. "Have some, have some, " he invited cordially at thesupper-table, sending around the platter for the third time; "we'regoing to give it to the pigs anyway. "--_Judge_. 

 Blest be that spot, where cheerful guests retire To pause from toil, and trim their evening fire. Blest that abode, where want and pain repair, And every stranger finds a ready chair; Blest be those feasts with simple plenty crown'd, Where all the ruddy family around Laugh at the jest or pranks, that never fail, Or sigh with pity of some mournful tale, Or press the bashful stranger to his food, And learn the luxury of doing good. 

 --_Goldsmith_. 

It is not the quantity of the meat but the cheerfulness of the guestswhich makes the feast. --_Clarendon_. 

BAILIE MCTAVISH--"An' so ye leave Glesca' on Monday. What are ye daeinthe morrow nicht?"

MR. JARVIE--"Tomorrow, Thursday, I've no engagement. "

BAILIE--"An' the nixt nicht. "

MR. J. --"I'm free then, too. "

BAILIE--"An' what will ye be daein on Saturday?"

MR. J. --"On Saturday I dine with the Buchans. "

BAILIE--"What a peety! Aa wanted ye to take dinner wi'us on Saturday. "

A Quaker had gotten himself into trouble with the authorities and thesheriff called to escort him to the lock-up. 

"Is your husband in?" he inquired of the good wife who came to thedoor. 

"My husband will see thee, " she replied. "Come in. "

The sheriff entered, was bidden to make himself at home, and washospitably entertained for half an hour, but no husband appeared. Atlast the sheriff grew impatient. 

"Look here, " said he, "I thought you said your husband would see me. "

"He has seen thee, " was the calm reply, "but he did not like thy looksand has gone another way. "

"My wife thinks we run a hospitable house. What's your notion of ahospitable house?"

"Oh, for me, I feel that it's a hospitable house when in the come andgo of company enough umbrellas are left to keep it supplied. "

HOSPITALS

A German, whose wife was ill at the Seney Hospital, Brooklyn, calledthe first evening she was there and inquired how she was gettingalong. He was told that she was improving. 

Next day he called again, and was told she was still improving. Thiswent on for some time, each day the report being that his wife wasimproving. 

Finally one day he called and said:

"How iss my wife?"

"She's dead. "

He went out and met a friend, and the friend said:

"Well, how is your wife?"

"She's dead"

"Ooh! How terrible! What did she die of?"

"Improvements!"

HOTEL BIBLES

_Safety_

Once upon a time there lived an elderly millionaire who had fournephews. Desiring to make one of these his heir, he tested theircleverness. 

He gave to each a $100. 00 bill, with the request that they hide thebills for a year in the city of New York. 

Any of them who should succeed in finding the hidden bill at the endof the year should share in the inheritance. 

The year being over, the four nephews brought their reports. 

The first, deeply chagrined, told how he had put his bill in thestrongest and surest safe deposit vault, but, alas, clever thieves hadbroken in and stolen it. 

The second had put his in charge of a tried and true friend. But thefriend has proved untrustworthy and had spent the money. 

The third had hidden his bill in a crevice in the floor of his room, but a mouse had nibbled it to bits to build her nest. 

The fourth nephew calmly produced his $100. 00 bill, as crisp and asfresh as when it had been given him. 

"And where did you hide it?" asked his uncle. 

"Too easy! I stuck it in a hotel bible. "

--_Carolyn Wells_. 

HOTELS

A bellhop passed through the hall of the St. Francis Hotel whistlingloudly. 

"Young man, " said Manager Woods sternly, "you should know that it isagainst the rules of this hotel for an employee to whistle while onduty. "

"I am not whistling, sir, " replied the boy, "I'm paging Mrs. Jones'dog. "

A tall, gaunt-looking person recently entered a hotel in a town whereseveral fires had occurred and applied for a room at a price whichentitled him to lodging on the top floor of the house. Among hisbelongings the proprietor noticed a coil of rope, and asked what itwas for. 

"That's a fire escape, " said the man, "I carry one with me so I canlet myself down from the window without troubling anyone. "

"Good plan, " said the landlord, "but guests with fire escapes likethat pay in advance at this hotel. "

DEPARTING GUEST--"Enjoyed ourselves? Oh yes! What I'm upset about isleaving your hotel so soon after I've bought it. "

A commercial traveler, on leaving a certain hotel, said to theproprietor: "Pardon me, but with what material do you stuff the bedsin your establishment?"

"Why, " said the landlord, proudly, "with the best straw to be found inthe whole country!"

"That, " returned the traveler, "is very interesting. I now know whencethe straw came that broke the camel's back. "

ARCHITECT (enthusiastically showing plans of hotel)--"On the firstfloor, next to the dining-room, is the ladies' smoking-room; over hereis the men's writing-room; here is the blue lecture-room where thesuffrage meetings are to be held; next to it is the pink tea-room. Directly over it, on the second floor, is the music-room, where theTuesday recitals will be given; behind it is the little theater forthe Saturday tableaux. The ballroom is on the third floor, and on thefourth--"

HOTEL PROPRIETOR (interrupting)--"That's all very nice. But where arethe guests' rooms?"

ARCHITECT--"Bless my soul! I forgot all about them!"

"John, dear, " wrote a lady from the Capital, "I enclose the hotelbill. "

"Dear Jane, I enclose a check, " wrote John in reply; "but please don'tbuy any more hotels at this price--they are robbing you!"

A traveler who alighted from the train in a small Southern town wasgreeted by a colored porter, who shouted at him, "Palace hotel, boss!"and grabbed the traveler's baggage, and the latter said, "Wait aminute, Rastus. Is this hotel American or European?" and Rastusreplied, "I dunno, boss, but I thinks they'se Irish. "

"Where's that hotel that used to advertise, 'All the Comforts of Homefor One Dollar'?"

"Busted up. The hotel opposite put up a sign: 'None of the Discomfortsof Home for Two Dollars. '"

Miss Muffit had recently joined the "Band of Sisters for BefriendingBurglars" and was being shown over a prison for the first time. 

One prisoner, evidently a man of education, interested her morethan the others. He rose and bowed to her when she entered his cell, apologizing for the poorness of his apartment. 

Miss Muffit could not help wondering how this refined man came withinthe clutches of the law. In fact, as she was leaving his cell shesaid:

"May I ask you why you are in this distressing place?"

"Madam, " he replied, "I am here for robbery at a seaside hotel!"

"How very interesting!" said Miss Muffit. "Were you--er--theproprietor?"

"Would you like some views of the hotel to send to your friends?"

"Sir, " said the disgruntled guest, "I presume it will be better for meto keep my views to myself. "

"We will do our best, Mr. Sprawl, to make you feel at home here, "smiled the hotel clerk, who had acquired the idea that it pays to begood and kind to all. 

"You needn't to mind, sir, " replied Sanford Sprawl, of Puxico. "That'sjust what I came away from home to get a change from. What I want isto feel like I'm at a hotel. "

HOUSING PROBLEM

After trying in vain for months to get a house, Brown set out one daywith a find-a-house-or-die look on his face. He wandered about all daywithout being successful, till at last his steps led him to the river. 

"Ah!" he said in utter despair, "how tempting it looks!" He was almostinclined to plunge in and end it all. 

All of a sudden he heard a splash and, looking around, he saw hisfriend Green struggling in the water. Without attempting to save himhe rushed off to the local house agent. 

"Quick!" he gasped. "Green has fallen in the river. Can I have hishouse?"

"Sorry, " said the house agent. "I've already let it to the man whopushed him in. "

The difficulty of finding a house is not exclusively an easternproblem. Out in Kansas, for instance, a native observed a strangerlooking around and ventured to say, "Good morning, sir, Househunting?"

"Yes, " replied the stranger. "I wonder if it could have blown thisfar. "

JUDGE--"You are accused of speeding. What have you to say in yourdefense?"

PRISONER--"I heard of a house for rent and was trying to get therefirst. "

"The case is dismissed. "

The taxi-driver turned at the end of the second hour and eyed hisclient suspiciously. 

"Are you taking me by the hour or by the day?" he asked. 

"By the year, " responded the haggard passenger. "I'm looking for ahome!"

VISITOR--"What's that new building on the hill yonder?"

FARMER--"Well, if I find a tenant for it, it's a bungalow; if I don't, it's a barn. "

OWENS--"My landlord has ordered me out because I can't pay my rent. "

BOWENS--"Glad I met you. So has mine. Let's change quarters. "

MR. MCNAB (after having his lease read over to him)--"I will not signthat: I havena' been able tae keep Ten Commandments for a mansion inHeaven, an' I'm no' guan tae tackle aboot a hundred for twa rooms inthe High Street!"

_See also_ Apartments. 

HUNGER

OLD LADY (to mendicant)--"But--my good man, your story has such ahollow ring. "

"Yes, missis--that's the natural result of speaking with an emptystummick. "

Hunger is the teacher of the arts and the bestower ofinvention. --_Persius_. 

HUNTING

As the camper was cleaning his gun, along came a woodsman. 

"Been hunting today?" he asked. 

"Yes. "

"Shot anything?"

"I don't know yet. I'm waiting for the rest of the party to get intocamp so we can call the roll. "

FIRST SIMPLE NIMROD--"Hey, don't shoot. Your gun isn't loaded. "

HIS PARTNER--"Can't help that; the bird won't wait. "

The very small boy with the very large gun was standing in a countryroad. 

"What are you hunting, bub?" asked a passer-by. 

"I dunno, " he replied, frankly. "I ain't seen it yet. "

HURRY

_See_ Haste. 

HUSBANDS

To say of a man that he will make a good husband is much the same sortof a compliment as to say of a horse that he is perfectly safe for awoman to drive. --_Puck_. 

If you marry a widow it is safe to take one whose first trial serveda term in jail, then you won't have the perfect example always held upbefore you. 

"Mother, " asked Tommy, "do fairy tales always begin with 'Once upon atime'?"

"No, dear, not always; they sometimes begin with 'My love, I have beendetained at the office tonight'"

"William, " snapped the dear lady, viciously, "didn't I hear the clockstrike two as you came in?" "You did, my dear. It started to striketen, but I stopped it to keep it from waking you up. "

"I hear you are going to marry Archie Blueblood?" said one societywoman to another. "Is it true?"

"Marry him?" exclaimed the other. "Not likely. What on earth could Ido with him? He's rejected from the Army, he can't ride, he can't playtennis, golf, nor, for that matter, can he even drive a motor-car!"

"Oh!" said the friend, "but he can swim beautifully, you know. "

"Swim, indeed! Now, I ask you, would you like a husband you had tokeep in an aquarium?"

To observe Washington's birthday, in a fitting manner, a teacher in aYonkers school told in detail the life of the first President of theUnited States. She emphasized his honesty, sincerity, bravery andself-reliance. At the close of her discourse, she put this question tothe class:

"What high office in a nation could such a wonderful man fill?"

A flaxen-haired boy of ten, sitting in a rear seat, raised his handand blushingly replied: "He'd make a nice husband. "

"How's your husband getting along, Mrs. Fogarty?"

"Well, sometimes he's better an' sometimes he's worse, but from theway he growls an' takes on whin he's better, Oi think he's better whinhe's worse. "

SHE--"I wonder why men lie so?"

HE--"Because their wives are so inquisitive. "

HUBBY--"I don't believe in parading my virtues. "

WIFE--"You couldn't, anyway. It takes quite a number to make aparade. "

"Why do you feed every tramp who comes along? They never do any workfor you. "

"No, " said his wife, "but it is quite a satisfaction to me to see aman eat a meal without finding fault with the cooking. "

The husband arrived home much later than usual "from the office. " Hetook off his boots and stole into the bedroom. His wife began to stir. Quickly the panic-stricken man went to the cradle of his first-bornand began to rock it vigorously. 

"What are you doing there, Robert?" queried his wife. 

"I've been sitting here for nearly two hours trying to get this babyto sleep, " he growled. 

"Why, Robert, I've got him here in bed with me, " replied his wife. 

A teacher was trying to explain the dangers of overwork to one of thesmaller pupils. 

"Now, Tommy, " she pursued, "if your father were busy all day and saidhe would have to go back to the office at night, what would he bedoing?"

"That's what ma wants to know. "

HE--"If I were to die you'd never get another husband like me. "

SHE--"What makes you imagine I should ever want another like you?"

MRS. BLANK (to laundress)--"And how is your newly married daughtergetting on, Mrs. Brown?"

MRS. BROWN--"Oh, nicely, thank you, ma'am. She finds her husband a bitdull; but then, as I tells her, the good ones are dull. "

JUNKMAN--"Any rags, paper, old iron to sell?"

HEAD OF HOUSE (irately)--"No--go away--my wife's away for the summer. "

JUNKMAN (smiling)--"Any empty bottles?"

_Situation: Buglar, caught red-handed, arraigned in court_

WOMAN--"The sorce o' the feller! 'E pretended to be my 'usband andcalled out, 'It's all right, darlin'--it's only me. ' It was the word'darlin' wot give 'im away. "--_Punch (London)_. 

"Henry, " said his father-in-law, as he called his daughter's spouseinto the library and locked the door, "you have lived with me now forover two years. "

"Yes, father. "

"In all that time I haven't asked you a penny for board. "

"No, sir. " (Wonderingly. )

"In all your little family quarrels I have always taken your part. "

"Always, sir. "

"I have even paid some of your bills. "

"A good many, father. "

"Then the small favor I am about to ask you will no doubt be granted?"

"Most certainly, sir. "

"Thanks. Then I want you to tell your mother-in-law that those ticketsfor the supper-club dance which she picked up in my room this morningmust have accidentally fallen out of your pocket, and we'll call itsquare!"

One morning, Mollie, the colored maid, appeared before her mistress, carrying, folded in a handkerchief, a five-dollar gold piece and allher earthly possessions in the way of jewelry. 

This package she proferred her mistress, with the request that MissSallie take it for safe keeping. 

"Why, Mollie!" exclaimed the mistress in surprise. "Are you goingaway?"

"Naw'm, I ain' goin' nowheres, " Mollie declared. "But me an' JimHarris we wuz married this mawnin'. Yas. 'm, Jim, he's a new niggerin town. You don' know nothin' 'bout him, Miss Sallie. I don' knownothin' 'bout him myself he's er stranger to me. "

Miss Sallie glanced severely at the little package of jewelry. 

"But, Mollie, " she demanded, "don't you trust him?"

"Yas'm, " replied Mollie, unruffled. "Cose I trus' him, personally--butnot wid ma valuables. "

It is necessary to be almost a genius to make a goodhusband. --_Balzac_. 

Jennie, the colored maid, arrived one morning with her head swathed inbandages--the result of an argument with her hot-tempered spouse. 

"Jennie, " said her mistress, "your husband treats you outrageously. Why don't you leave him?"

"Well, I don' 'zactly wants to leave him. "

"Hasn't he dragged you the length of the room by your hair?" demandedher mistress. 

"Yas'm he has done dat. "

"Hasn't he choked you into insensibility?"

"Yas'm he sho has choked me. "

"And now doesn't he threaten to split your head with an ax?"

"Yas'm he has done all dat, " agreed Jennie, "but he ain' done nothin'yet so bad I couldn't live wid him. "

_See also_ Carelessness; Domestic finance. 

HYPOCRISY

 Hypocrisy will serve as well To propagate a church, as zeal; As persecution and promotion Do equally advance devotion: So round white stones will serve, they say, As well as eggs to make hens lay. 

 --_Samuel Butler_. 

 There is no vice so simple, but assumes Some mark of virtue on his outward parts. 

 --_Shakespeare_. 

 Thus 'tis with all--their chief and constant care Is to seem everything but what they are. 

 --_Goldsmith_. 

 Dare to be true. Nothing can need a lie; A fault which needs it most grows two thereby. 

 --_Herbert_. 

HYSTERICS

Father, teaching his six-year-old son arithmetic by giving a problemto his wife, begs his son to listen:

FATHER--"Mother, if you had a dollar and I gave you five more, whatwould you have?"

MOTHER (replying absently)--"Hysterics. "

"IF"

_See_ Fords. 

IGNORANCE

A professor noted among his students for the caustic wit had in oneof his classes, one year, a young man who was both ignorant andconceited. One morning he made a specially self-satisfied display ofboth these characteristics, and the professor said he would like tosee him at the end of the hour. 

When he came up after the lecture, the professor asked: "You are Mr. Junkins?"

"Yes, sir. "

"Have you a visiting card?"

"I--I--yes, sir, " stammered the puzzled student. 

"Then, Mr. Junkins, " the professor said dryly, "write down on yourvisiting card all that you know, and bring it to me tomorrow. "

ILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONS

Returning home from a scientific meeting one night, a collegeprofessor, who was noted for his concentration of thought, was stillpondering deeply on the subject that had been under discussion. Uponentering his room he heard a noise that appeared to come from underthe bed. 

"Is there any one there?" he asked, absently. 

"No, professor, " answered the intruder, knowing his peculiarities. 

"That's strange, " murmured the professor. "I was almost sure I heardsome one under the bed. "

IMITATION

Imitation is a confession of limitation. 

Imitation is the sincerest of flattery. --_Colton_. 

IMMIGRANTS

_See_ Board of health. 

IMPUDENCE

_Put in the Bill_

When in Canada last, Mr. Kipling was so dissatisfied with the hotelaccommodations that he gave the landlord a severe call-down. Said he:"Of all the hotels under the shining sun, I have never been in onethat for unmitigated, all-round, unendurable discomfort could equalyours. "

After the landlord had withdrawn in great indignation, Kiplingasked for his bill, and he discovered that the last item was, "Toimpudence--three dollars. "

 He that has but impudence, To all things has a fair pretence; And puts among his wants but shame, To all the world may lay his claim. 

 --_Butler_. 

There is no better provision for life than impudence and a brazenface. --_Menander_. 

INCOME TAX

We saw Diogenes the other day with his lantern. 

"Still looking for an honest man?" we asked. 

He shook his head mournfully. 

"No. I gave that up long ago. I wish I'd stuck to it. It wasn't halfso hopeless as what I'm doing now. "

He certainly did look despondent, and our hearts went out to him. 

"What are you looking for now, then?" we asked. 

He sighed. "I'm looking for a congressman who made out his income taxwithout anybody's help. "

We don't know who it was who wrote the income-tax blank, but we arecertain that he stole his style either from Robert Browning or HenryJames. 

_Income Tax Tips_

(_All replies to questions in this column given free of tax. _)

PUZZLED--Don't be bluffed. Simply put all extra leaves in dining-roomtable, grasp tax return firmly with both hands, and throw it flat onits back. When you have it down brand it on first page with hot ink. 

C. H. --Yes, algebra may be used in figuring your return. Personallywe employ trigonometry, altho many prefer calculus and a couple oflawyers. 

TAXPAYER--Your problem is as clear as a Chinese laundryticket. Simplydeduct the net profit of losses (plus inventories at end of year)and add income from salaries, wages, bonuses, director's fees, andpensions. Nothing to it!

J. J. C. --Refer to Table 113 on Page 11, Section 28, Part IV of return. Then if Item 86, Schedule V, line 7, exceeds the sum stated in Item21, Page 9, Schedule Z, get another blank form. 

CONFUSED--No, you should have figured the amounts in Items 34, 60, and 69 as net losses from Wear and Tear, Obsolescense and DepletionCharged Off (see K (2) on Page 8 of Instructions) before enteringtotal in Item 94, Schedule O. It's perfectly simple. 

L. F. --Don't worry about your next year's tax. You may not have anyincome. 

_See also_ Profiteers. 

INDUSTRY

Andrew Carnegie was once asked which he considered to be the mostimportant factor in industry--labor, capital, or brains? The cannyScot replied with a merry twinkle in his eye, "Which is the mostimportant leg of a three-legged stool?"

Industry is not only the instrument of improvement, but the foundationof pleasure. He who is a stranger to it may possess, but cannotenjoy; for it is labor only which gives relish to pleasure. It isthe appointed vehicle of every good to man. It is the indispensablecondition of possessing a sound mind in a sound body. --_Blair_. 

 Protected industry, careering far, Detects the cause and cures the rage of war, And sweeps, with forceful arm; to their last graves, Kings from the earth and pirates from the waves. 

 --_Joel Barlow_. 

 In every rank, or great or small, 'Tis industry supports us all. 

 --_Gay_. 

The great end of all human industry is the attainment ofhappiness. --_Hume_. 

"From what you tell me, Sam, you have been a busy man all your life. "

"Yes, sah; yes, sah. "

"You've done a great deal in your time and day, Sam, I guess. "

"Yes, sah. Dat is, I's done a good lot in mah day, but it was in deboss's time, sah. "

INFANTS

A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bank-rollsmaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and thefuture worth living for. 

A small boy was taken to see the new baby, whom he eyed verycritically. "Why, he's got no hair, father, " was his first remark. The fact was admitted. "And he's got no teeth, father, " was the nextcomment. The circumstances could not be denied. "I tell you what, father, " was the final observation, "you've been swindled; he's an oldone. "

THE VISITOR--"Does your new baby brother cry much, Ethel?"

LITTLE ETHEL--"He cries when you stick pins in him or make facesat him or bounce him up and down. But what can you expect? He's toolittle to swear. "

Maggie had a new baby brother, which everybody agreed was such a babyas had never been seen before. One day the baby was being weighed, andMaggie asked what that was for. 

"Oh, " said her father, "Uncle George has taken a great fancy to baby, and he's offered to buy him for a shilling an ounce. "

Maggie looked startled. "You're not going to sell him, are you, daddy?"

"Of course not, precious, " answered daddy, proud to see his littlegirl loved her brother so. 

"No. Keep him till he gets a bit bigger, " the child went on; "he'llfetch more money then. "

INFLUENZA

A hospital doctor writes in the Ontario Post that one of his patientshad had the flu. He was seen walking around wearily. When he was askedwhat was wrong, he said: "Ah done had de Spanish flu. " "That so?" hewas asked; "what is the Spanish flu like, Sam?" "The flu?" said Sam;"don't you all know what de flu is? Why, it's a disease dat makes yousick six months after you gets well. "

"Were you very sick with the 'flu, ' Rastus?"

"Sick, sick! Man, Ah was so sick mos' ebery night Ah look in dat ercasualty list for mah name. "

INHERITANCE

During the battle of Paschendaele a seriously wounded GordonHighlander was brought into one of the Canadian dressing stations. Thesurgeon noticed he was wearing a fine gold wrist watch. "Where did youget that, Scotty?" he asked. 

Scotty merely smiled at the time, but, on being told that the chanceswere against him, he later confided the story to the doctor. 

"I took a Heine prisoner who was wearin' yon watch. 'Wull ye gie meit?' I eskit him. He shookit his heed. I eskit him the second time. He shookit his heed again. 'For the third and last time, as agentlemaun, ' I sez, 'will ye gie me thot watch?' Heine shookit hishead. "

"But you got it?"

"Weel efter thot I simply inherited it. "

INITIATIVE

_Not Self-Starters_

FIRST CITIZEN--"You can't stop a man from thinking!"

SECOND DITTO--"No, but the difficulty is to start him!"

INSOMNIA

BARK--"So you have been cured of your insomnia? It must be an immenserelief. "

CARR--"You've said it. Why, I lie awake half the night thinking how Iused to suffer from it. "

INSTALMENT PLAN

"I wonder will Smithers always allude to his wife so lovingly as 'myown'?"

"Well, she is his own. Everything else in his home he is paying for onthe instalment plan. "

LADY VISITOR--"Oh, Tommy, you have a nice new suit!"

TOMMY--"Yes, I think the man pa bought it from is sorry he sold it. He's always calling. "

INSURANCE, FIRE

THE MAN OF LAW--"But, my dear madam, there is no insurance money foryou to draw. Your late husband never insured his life; he only had apolicy against fire. "

THE WONDERFUL WIDOW--"Precisely. That is the very reason I had himcremated!"

A woman, wearing an anxious expression, called at an insurance officeone morning. 

"I understand, " she said, "that for five dollars I can insure my housefor a thousand dollars. "

"Yes, " replied the agent, "that is right. "

"And, " continued the woman anxiously, "do you make any inquiries as tothe origin of the fire?"

"Certainly, " was the prompt reply. 

"Oh!" and she turned to leave the office, "I thought there was a catchin it somewhere. "

"I say, Jones, I want to insure my coal-yards against fire. What woulda policy for $20, 000 cost?"

"What coal is it? Same kind as you sent me last?"

"Yes. "

"I wouldn't bother insuring it if I were you. It won't burn. "

When the agent brought Mrs. Tarley her fire-insurance policy heremarked that it would be well for her to make her first payment atonce. 

"How much will it be?" she asked. 

"About $100. Wait a minute and I'll find the exact amount. "

"Oh, how tiresome!" she exclaimed. "Tell the company to let it standand deduct it from what they will owe me when the house burns down. "

INSURANCE, LIFE

"I wish you would tell me, " said the agent, who had been a long timeon Mr. Snaggs' trail, "what is your objection to having your lifeinsured?"

"Well, I don't mind telling you, " replied Snaggs. "The idea of beingmore valuable dead than alive is distasteful to me. "

"What's the matter, old man? You look worried. "

"Well, to be honest with you, I am. You know, I took out some lifeinsurance last Thursday. "

"Yes, " replied the sympathetic friend, "but what has that to do withthe wobegone expression on your face?"

"Well, the very next day after I had it written my wife bought anew cook-book. Possibly it's all right, but it certainly lookssuspicious. "

MR. MANLEY--"Well, my dear, I've had my life insured for five thousanddollars. "

MRS. MANLEY--"How very sensible of you! Now I sha'n't have to keeptelling you to be so careful every place you go. "

"How much life insurance do you think a man ought to carry?"

"Enough to keep his family from want, but not so much as to make themutterly impervious to grief. "

HEWITT--"My wife is a cheerful sort of companion. "

JEWETT--"How is that?"

HEWITT--"I told her that I had taken out a twenty-year endowment on mylife, and she said, that she hoped I wouldn't mature before the policydid. "

Two insurance agents--a Yankee and an Englishman--were bragging abouttheir rival methods. The Britisher was holding forth on the systemof prompt payment carried out by his people--no trouble, no fuss, noattempt to wriggle out of settlement. 

"If the man died tonight, " he continued, "his widow would receive hermoney by the first post tomorrow morning. "

"You don't say?" drawled the Yankee. "See here, now, you talk ofprompt payment! Waal, our office is on the third floor of a buildingforty-nine stories high. One of our clients lived in that forty-ninthstory, and he fell out of the window. We handed him his check as hepassed. "

A colored recruit said he intended to take out the full limit ofGovernment insurance, $10, 000. On being told by a fellow soldier thathe would be foolish to pay on so much when he was likely to be shotin the trenches, he replied: "Huh! I reckon I knows what I's doin. 'You-all don't s'pose Uncle Sam is gwine to put a $10, 000 man in thefirst-line trenches, do you?"

_See also_ Salesmen and salesmanship. 

INTERVIEWS

A Boston business man has the following schedule of time forinterviews hung over his desk:

Book agents--three seconds. 

Unclassified bores--thirty ditto. 

Golf associates--one hour. 

Friends to make a touch (It takes time to explain why you arebroke)--five minutes. 

People to pay bills--no limit. 

Employees wanting increase of salary--one minute. 

My wife--never too busy. 

Poor relations--always out. 

An answer to the query why some United States Employment Serviceexaminers go mad might be found in the following questionnaire filledout by an applicant applying to the Service for employment:

Q. Born? A. Yes; once. 

Q. Nativity? A. Baptist. 

Q. Married or single? A. Have been both. 

Q. Parents alive yet? A. Not yet. 

Q. Hair? A. Thin. 

Q. Voice? A. Weak. 

Q. Healthy? A. Sometimes. 

Q. Previous experience? A. No. 

Q. Where? A. Different places. 

Q. Business? A. Rotten. 

Q. Salary expected? A. More. 

Q. Drink? A. Not in dry states. 

Q. Why do you want job? A. Wife won't work any more. 

INVESTMENTS

SMITH--"I see stocks took a drop. "

JONES--"Took a drop? I should say they took the whole bottle. "

No one should have to coax you into any investment. It either looksgood to you or it doesn't. You either want it or you don't. But besure you are influenced by facts alone. 

"Goodness is the only investment that never fails. "--_Thoreau_. 

"Time is money, " said Uncle Eben; "but jes' the same, de man dat findshimself wif a lot o' time on his hands has made a poor investment. "

"Sir, this is a golden opportunity! Small investment, no risk, andenormous returns absolutely sure. "

"Then I wouldn't have the heart to deprive you of it. "--_Life_. 

THE SUITOR--"I hope, sir, that you will consider me in the nature ofan investment, even if I may not pay regular dividends. "

THE GIRL'S FATHER--"My dear boy, don't talk of dividends. I shall beglad if you don't levy regular assessments on me. "--_Life_. 

TOMMY--"Father, what's the future of the verb 'invest'?"

FATHER (a Congressman)--"Investigation. "

IRELAND

We have all heard of the "far flung" British Empire. The only troublewith it is that Ireland was not flung far enough. 

"Did you go to the fight last night?"

"No, I went to hear the lecture on Ireland. "

"Oh--who won?"

IRISH BULLS

PAT--"After all, it's a great pleasure to be missed by someone. "

MIKE--"Shure it is, Pat; if yez can be there t' enjy it. "

At Camp Grant there is an Irish sergeant who is quick tempered. Oneday when he was trying to drill a squad of raw recruits he suddenlybecame angry and exclaimed: "Halt! Just come over here, all of ye, andlook at yourselves! It's a fine line ye're keeping, isn't it?"

"Pat, what's that piece of blank paper you have in your hand?" askedone Irishman of another. 

"Oh, that's a letter from my wife. "

"How do you mean a letter from your wife? Sure, there's no writing onit. "

"Of course not. The missus and myself are not on speaking terms. "

O'HOULIHAN--"Pwhut's a pessimist, Mike?"

MULDOON--"He's a feller pwhat burns his bridges behind him an' thincrosses thim before he comes to thim. "

"Mrs. Flanagan, " said the Landlord, "I've decided to raise your rent. "

"Ah, now, " beamed Mrs. Flanagan. "It's the darlint ye certinly are. Iwor wonderin' how I cud raise it meself, sur. "

BLONDINE--"Isn't Bennie Beanbrough the thick one?"

BRUNETTA--"He is all of that. "

"I said to him 'every time I open my mouth I put my foot in it--'"

"Uh huh!"

"And right away the poor fish looked down at my feet. "

An Irishman who is noted for his wit went into a public-house theother day and called for a glass of beer. The tumbler was not fullenough for Pat's satisfaction, so he quietly asked the publican howmany barrels of beer he sold in a week. 

"Ten, " replied the publican. 

"I think, " replied Pat, "if yer stand me a pint I could put yez on aplan to sell eleven barrels a week. "

"Agreed, " said the landlord, handing him a pint. "How now am I to doit?"

Pat, taking a big drink at his new pint, "Always fill your glasses. "

An Irishman who was rather too fond of strong drink was asked by theparish priest:

"My son, how do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The Irishman replied:

"Shure, and that's aisy! When I get to the gates of Heaven I'll openthe door and shut the door, and open the door and shut the door, an' keep on doing that till St. Peter gets impatient and says, 'Forgoodness' sake, Mike, either come in or stay out!'"

Soon after a certain judge of the Supreme Court of Rhode Island hadbeen appointed he went down into one of the southern counties to sitfor a week. He was well satisfied with himself. 

"Mary, " he said to the Irish waitress at the hotel where he wasstopping, "you've been in this country how long?"

"Two years, sir, " she said. 

"Do you like it?"

"Sure, it's well enough, " answered Mary. 

"But, Mary, " the judge continued, "you have many privileges in thiscountry, which you'd not have in Ireland. Now at home you wouldnever be in a room with a justice of the supreme court, and chattingfamiliarly with him. "

"But, sure, sir, " said Mary, quite in earnest, "you'd never be a judgeat home. "

"Sure, Oi'll write me name on the back o' your note, guaranteein'ye'll pay ut, " said Pat, smiling pleasantly as he indorsed Billup'snote, "but Oi know doomed well ye won't pay ut. We'll have a laugh atth' ixpinse of the bank. "--_Life_. 

PAT--"This is the foist time inny of these corporations hev doneinnything to binnefit the workingman. "

MIKE--"How is that, Pat?"

PAT--"It is this siven-cint fare. I hev bin walkin' to and from mework and savin' tin cints, and now I kin save fourteen cints. "

An Irishman asked at the railway station for a ticket to Philadelphia. 

"Do you want a ticket one way or one that will take you there andback?"

The Irishman looked at him suspiciously for a moment, then said:"What the devil do I want a ticket there an' back for when I'm herealready?"

An Irish mother reproving her son exclaimed, "I just wish that yourfather was at home some evening to see how you behave yourself when heis out!"

A tourist reports seeing the following police regulation posted up inIreland:

"Until further notice every vehicle must carry a light when darknessbegins. Darkness begins when the lights are lit. "

IRISHMEN

"'Tis easy to see, " said the tourist to Paddy, who was driving himaround, "that your parents came from Ireland. "

"No, sir, they did not, " replied Paddy. 

"What! Do you mean to say your parents did not come from Ireland?"

"No, sir; you are mistaken, " replied Paddy; "they're there yit. "--_TheNation_. 

A zealous excise officer was sent to Ireland to try to locate several"moonshine" stills which were known to exist. 

Meeting a native the excise officer approached Pat, saying:

"I'll give you five shillings, Pat, if you can take me to a privatestill. "

"Troth, an' I will sir, " was Pat's reply, as he pocketed the money. "Come with me. "

For many weary miles over mountain, bog, and moor they tramped, untilthey came into view of a barracks. Pointing to a soldier seated on astep inside the square, Pat said:

"There you are, sir, my brother Mike; he's been a soldier for tenyears, an' he's a private still. "

An English clergyman turned to a Scotchman and asked him: "What wouldyou be were you not a Scot?"

The Scotchman said: "Why, an Englishman, of course!"

Then the clergyman turned to a gentleman from Ireland and asked him:"And what would you be were you not an Irishman?"

The man thought a moment and said: "I'd be ashamed of meself!"

Two sailors, an Irishman and a Scotchman, could never agree, and therest of the crew had become adepts in starting them on an argument. One day "patron saints" was the subject, of which the Scotchman knewnothing and the Irishman just a little. 

"Who was the patron saint of Ireland?" said Jock. 

"Do you mean to say you don't know?" said Pat. "Why, the holy St. Patrick. "

"Well, " said Jock in deliberate tones, "hang your St. Patrick. "

In a towering rage the Irishman hesitated a second while he thought ofsomething equally offensive, and then burst out with, "And hang yourHarry Lauder!"

PAT--"Yis, sorr, wur-rk is scarce, but Oi got a job last Sunday thatbrought me foive dollars. "

MR. GOODMAN--"What! you broke the Sabbath?"

PAT (apologetically)--"Well, sorr, 'twas wan av us had t' be broke. "

An Irishman employed in a large factory had taken a day off withoutpermission and seemed likely to lose his job in consequence. Whenasked by his foreman the next day why he had not turned up the daybefore, he replied:

"I was so ill, sir, that I could not come to work to save me life. "

"How was it, then, Pat, that I saw you pass the factory on yourbicycle during the morning?" asked the foreman. 

Pat was slightly taken aback, then regaining his presence of mind, hereplied:

"Sure, sir, that must have been when I was going for the doctor. "

A college graduate was walking down the street one evening with afriend of Irish descent, and, pausing to look up at the starry sky, remarked with enthusiasm:

"How bright Orion is tonight!"

"So that is O'Ryan, is it?" replied Pat. "Well, thank the Lord, there's one Irishman in heaven, anyhow!"

After Patsy Hogan had left Dublin for the country, and rented acottage with a small backyard, he returned to town and purchased amonkey. Not a word of his scheme would he disclose to his old cronies. 

But afterwards he explained. "'Twas like this: I chained the monkey toa stick in me yard, and the coal thrains were passin' all day, and oniv'ry thrain there was a stoker. In one week I had two tons of coal inme cellar, and the monkey was never wanst hit!"

_See also_ Irish bulls. 

JEWS

Pat, answering questions in applying for a job as keeper of the pound, came to the query, "What are rabies and what would you do for them?"

He replied, "Rabies is Jew priests and I wouldn't do a damn thing forthem. "

Israel Paletzky sold and delivered fresh eggs to a near-by sodadispenser. One day he brought in two dozen eggs in response toan order. Upon counting them, the proprietor of the soda fountaindiscovered there was an extra egg and offered it back to the aged Jew. 

"Oh, dot's all right!" said old Israel. "Neffer mind for chust vonegg. "

"Well, Izzy, have a drink then. "

"All right. I take it a malted milk mit egg. "

To the great God Buddha came the representatives of the Catholic, Protestant, and Jewish religions, to pay him homage. Buddha, veryflattered, told each of them that if they would express a wish, itwould be fulfilled. 

"What do you wish?" he asked the Catholic. 

The answer was "Glory. "

"You shall have it, " said Buddha, and turning to the Protestant, "Whatdo you wish?"

"Money. "

"You shall have it. "

"And you?" This to the Jew. 

"I do not want much, " quoth he; "give me the Protestant's address!"

Father Duffy is credited by the New York World with this after-dinnerstory:

"An old sexton asked me, 'Father, weren't the Apostles Jews?' I saidthey were. Puzzled, he demanded: 'Then how the deuce did the Jews letgo of a good thing like the Catholic Church and let the Eytalians grabit?'"--_The Outlook_. 

In the latest number of the Unpartizan Review Henry Holt tells thefollowing anecdote as used by John Hay:

"Two Jews, " he said, "were rescued from a raft by a Cunarder. Bothwere pretty well used up, when one saw the vessel and murmured, 'Asail, a sail!' The other who was stretched on the raft revived longenough to exclaim, 'Mein Gott! I haf no gatalog!'"

JOKES

_Life of a Joke_

1--Appears in LIFE. 

2--Copied in newspaper. 

3--Used in almanac. 

4--Filler on theater program. 

5--Furnishes a laugh in vaudeville. 

6--After-dinner speaker tells it. 

7--Translated in foreign papers. 

8--Retranslated back. Goes rounds of American papers once more. 

9--Sent to LIFE as original. --_Life_. 

"Pop, what do we mean by a good listener?"

"A good listener, my son, is a man to whom it is possible to tell afunny story without reminding him of one of his own. "

JUDGE--"You are charged with profanity. "

PRISONER--"How can that be, your honor, when I was arrested forgetting rid of it?"

JUDGE--"Ten days for swearing. Thirty days for that joke. "

POST--"Scribbler says if you can judge of the future by the past, hiswork will live for thousands of years. "

PARKER--"Let's see. Just what does Scribbler write?"

POST--"Jokes. "

MRS. LESSNER--"Do you think it's true that poor Lydia hasn't smiledsince her marriage?"

MRS. SHORTWELL--"I think it's very likely. You know her husband is aprofessional humorist. "

The good die young was never said of a joke. 

Why are jokes preceded by the so-called title, which is virtually theconclusion, or what Twain termed the "nub"? The understanding of itimplies the reading of the joke first, and yet it is hung at the verybeginning in heavy type, demanding immediate attention. The readerlearns rapidly, however, and will not be fooled. Nine times out of tenhe will skip the title, complete the article, and then, from habit, unconsciously glance back for the grin in the title, Where the PointLies. 

It was a portly but very polite person who sat next to Jones in arailway station. "Pardon me, " said he to Jones, "but what would yousay if I sat on your hat?" "Suppose you sit on it and then ask me, "sarcastically suggested Jones. "I did, " said the portly person, imperturbably. --_Judge_. 

"It must be gratifying to see your jokes copied everywhere. "

"What gratifies me most, " said the professional humorist, "is thatsomebody is willing to buy 'em in the first place. "

William George Jordan, the educator and writer, uses a crutch. Oneday, after he had negotiated several blocks, he paused to mop hisbrow. While mopping with one hand he held his hat in the other anda kindhearted but near-sighted passerby dropped a coin in the hat. "Hey!" said Jordan, "it's legs I want--not alms. "

 _Old Fashioned Fun_

 When that old joke was new, It was not hard to joke, And puns we now pooh-pooh, Great laughter would provoke. 

 True wit was seldom heard, And humor shown by few, When reign'd King George the Third, And that old joke was new. 

 It passed indeed for wit, Did this achievement rare, When down your friend would sit, To steal away his chair. 

 You brought him to the floor, You bruised him black and blue, And this would cause a roar, When your old joke was new. 

 --_W. M. Thackeray_. 

JOURNALISM

"I represent The Daily Scoop, At what time did his lordship die?"

"His Lordship is not yet dead. "

"Oh, isn't he? Well, then I'll wait. "

FIRST WAR-CORRESPONDENT--"Did your dispatch get past the censor?"

SECOND WAR-CORRESPONDENT--"Only the part that wasn't true. "

"Well, isn't that all your paper wants?"--Life. 

"Getting out a daily column is no picnic, " confesses a dailygetter-out in the Niles Sun-Star. "If we print jokes, folks say weare silly--if we don't, they say we are too serious. If we publishoriginal matter, they say we lack variety; if we publish things fromother papers, they say we are too lazy to write. If we stay in theoffice, we ought to be out rustling news; if we rustle for news, weare not attending to business in the office. If we wear old clothes, we are insolvents; if we wear new clothes, they are not paid for. Whatin thunder is a poor editor to do anyhow? Like as not someone will saywe swiped this from an exchange. We did. "

_See also_ Newspapers. 

JUDGES

Judge Ben B. Lindsey of Denver, was lunching one day--it was a veryhot day--when a politician paused beside his table "Judge, " said he, "I see you're drinking coffee. That's a heating drink. In this weatheryou want to drink iced drinks, Judge--sharp iced drinks. Did you evertry gin and ginger ale?"

"No, " said the Judge, smiling, "but I have tried several fellows whohave. "

Unfortunately we've mislaid the judge's name, but his courtroom isin New Bedford, Mass. Before him appeared a defendant who, hoping forleniency, pleaded, "Judge, I'm down and out. "

Whereupon said the wise Judge:

"You're down, but you're not out. Six months. "

The late Gilman Marston, of New Hampshire, was arguing a complicatedcase, and looked up authorities back to Julius Caesar. At the end ofan hour and a half, in the most intricate part of his plea, he waspained to see what looked like inattention. It was as he had feared. The judge was unable to appreciate the nice points of his argument. 

"Your Honor, " he said, "I beg your pardon; but do you follow me?"

"I have so far, " answered the judge, shifting wearily about in hischair, "but I'll say frankly that if I thought I could find my wayback, I'd quit right here. "

_See also_ Lawyers. 

JUDGMENT

Two San Francisco negroes were discussing the possibilities of beingdrafted. 

"'Tain't gwine do 'em any good to pick on me, " said Lemuel, sulkily. "Ah certainly ain't gwine do any fightin'. Ah ain't lost nothin' ovehin France. Ah ain't got any quarrel with anybody, and Uncle Sam kain'tmake me fight. "

Jim pondered over this statement for a moment. 

"You' right, " he said at length. "Uncle Sam kain't make you fight. Buthe can take you where de fightin' is, and after that you kin use you'own judgment. "

 'Tis with our judgments as our watches; none Go just alike, yet each believes his own. 

 --_Pope_. 

 How little do they see what is, who frame Their hasty judgment upon that which seems. 

 --_Southey_. 

 Judgment is forced upon us by experience. 

 --_Johnson_. 

JURY

Fresh from Boston, the lawyer in the frontier town had just finished aglowing summing up for the defense. There ensued a long pause, and theEasterner turned in some embarrassment to the judge. 

"Your Honor, " he asked, "will you charge the jury?"

"Oh, no, I guess not, " answered the judge benignantly. 

"They ain't got much anyway, so I let them keep all they can make onthe side. "

The jury filed into the jury-box, and after the twelve seats werefilled there still remained one juror standing outside. 

"If the Court please, " said the Clerk, "they have made a mistake andsent us thirteen jurors instead of twelve. What do you want to do withthis extra one?"

"What is your name?" asked the judge of the extra man. 

"Joseph A. Braines, " he replied. 

"Mr. Clerk, " said the judge, "take this man back to the jurycommissioners and tell them we don't need him as we already havetwelve men without Braines. "

A suit for damages was being tried not long ago in one of thedivisions of a Southern city court. A country lad, seventeen oreighteen years of age, was put on the stand to testify. He gave histestimony in so low a tone that the judge, pointing to the jury, saidto him:

"Speak so that these gentlemen can hear you. "

"Why, " said the witness, with a beaming smile, "are these meninterested in the case, too?"

"Judge, Your Honor, " cried the prisoner at the bar, "have I got to betried by a lady jury?"

"Be still!" whispered his attorney. 

"I won't be still! Judge, I can't even fool my own wife, let alonetwelve strange women. I'm guilty!"

In western Georgia a jury recently met to inquire into a case ofsuicide. After sitting through the evidence, the twelve men retired, and, after deliberating, returned with the following verdict:

"The jury are all of one mind--temporarily insane. "

THE JUDGE (to jury, who have retired several times withoutagreeing)--"I understand that one juryman prevents your coming toa verdict. In my summing up I have clearly stated the law, and anyjuryman who obstinately sets his individual opinion against theremaining eleven is totally unfitted for his duties. "

THE SOLITARY OBJECTOR--"Please, m'lud, I'm the only man who agreeswith you!"

_A Time Exposure_

A judge's little daughter, who had attended her father's court forthe first time, was very much interested in the proceedings. After herreturn home she told her mother:

"Papa made a speech, and several other men made speeches to twelvemen who sat all together, and then these twelve men were put in a darkroom to be developed. "

During an address to a body of law students ex-President Taft pointedout that too much care cannot be taken in the selection of the jury. In this connection he told of an intelligent-looking farmer who hadbeen examined by both defense and prosecution and was about to beaccepted, when the prosecutor chanced to ask:

"Do you believe in capital punishment?"

The farmer hemmed and hawed and after a moment's reflection replied:

"Yes, sir, I do, if it ain't too severe. "

THE COURT--"Considering that you are the wife of the prisoner, do youthink you are qualified to act as a juror in this case?"

THE LADY--"Well, your honor, if you will only give me a chance, Ithink I can convince the eleven other jurors that he's guilty. "

A tailor who had been wrongfully accused of murder, and who had anexcellent defense, seemed very dejected when brought up for trial. 

"What's the trouble?" whispered the counsel, observing his client'sdistress as he surveyed the jurymen. 

"It looks very bad for me, " said the defendant, "unless some stepsare taken to dismiss that jury and get in a new lot. There isn't a manamong them but owes me money for clothes. "

JUSTICE

There is no virtue so truly great and Godlike as justice. --_Addison_. 

A Sunday-school teacher had been telling her class of little boysabout crowns of glory and heavenly rewards for good people. 

"Now, tell me, " she said, at the close of the lesson, "who will getthe biggest crown?"

There was silence for a minute or two, then a bright little chap pipedout:

"Him wot's got t' biggest 'ead. "

KINDNESS

 I think I know what kindness is tonight. It is a woman standing by a light. 

 It is a smile when life seems mostly grim. It is a hope when hope has grown quite slim. 

 It is a hand that's gentle, firm and cool. It is calm sense when you think like a fool. 

 It is a word of cheer when cheer is gone. It is a lowered blind at garish dawn. 

 It is a steady presence all the day That pushes lagging, dragging hours away. 

 I think I know what kindness is tonight. It is a woman standing by a light. 

 --_Joseph Andrew Galahad_. 

The Red-Cross idea that children should be encouraged to breed whitemice in order that they might be handed over to doctors for thepurpose of medical research, and which recommended these white mice, particularly, on the grounds that they so endeared themselves to thechildren, can only be paralleled by a story General Baden-Powell oncetold at a Boy Scout meeting. There was a boy, he related, who wentto bed one night without having done his "kind act. " Just as he wasbeginning to feel rather miserable about it, he heard a mouse in atrap in the room. 

"What do you think he did?" asked the General, and the audiencepromptly replied:

"Let it out. "

"Not at all, " replied the General; "he hadn't done his kind act: hethought of the cat. "

 Kindness is wisdom. There is none in life But needs it and may learn. 

 --_Bailey_. 

Beauty lives with kindness. --_Shakespeare_. 

KINGS AND RULERS

 _Kings and Emperors_

 Kings and Emperors shall pass Like the sands within the glass. 

 See them passing even now, Shorn of power, and bent of brow!

 Purblind they who saw not Fate Standing by the palace gate; Deaf were they, and their reward Is the Justice of the Lord!

 --_Clinton Scollard_. 

SAM--"Who was the first Kaiser?"

BULL--"How do I know? Ask me something easy. "

SAM--"Something easy?"

BULL--"Yes; ask me who's the last. "

 The Kaiser said, "What shameful fears I'm now compelled to feel; I stacked the cards for thirty years And then mussed up the deal!"

"Can you tell me, " said the Court, addressing Enrico Ufuzzi, underexamination at Union Hill, N. J. , as to his qualifications forcitizenship, "the difference between the powers and prerogatives ofthe King of England and those of the President of the United States?"

"Yezzir, " spoke up Ufuzzi promptly. "King, he got steady job. "

In the English royal library at Windsor, in the center of the magazinetable, there is a large album of pictures of many eminent and popularmen and women of the day. This book is divided into sections--asection for each calling or profession. Some years ago Prince Edward, in looking through the book, came across the pages devoted to thepictures of the rulers of the various nations. Prominently placedamong these was a large photograph of Colonel Roosevelt. 

"Father, " asked Prince Edward, placing his finger on the Colonel'spicture, "Mr. Roosevelt is a very clever man, isn't he?"

"Yes, child, " answered King George with a smile. "He is a great andgood man. In some respects I look upon him as a genius. "

A few days later, King George, casually glancing through the album, noticed that President Roosevelt's photograph had been removed andplaced in the section devoted to "Men and Women of the Time. " Onasking the Prince whether he had removed the picture, the lattersolemnly replied: "Yes, sir. You told me the other day that youthought Mr. Roosevelt a genius, so I took him away from the kings andemperors and put him among the famous people. "

KISSES

Jack disliked being kissed. One day he had been kissed a lot. Then, to make matters worse, on going to the picture-palace in the evening, instead of his favorite cowboy and Indian pictures there was nothingbut a lot more hugging and kissing. He returned home completely out ofpatience with the whole tribe of women. 

After he had been tucked into bed mother came in to kiss himgood-night. 

He refused. 

Mother begged and begged, till in disgust he turned to his father, whowas standing at the doorway, looking on, and said:

"Daddy, for heaven's sake, give this woman a kiss!"

People who throw kisses are mighty near hopelessly lazy. 

"If you kiss me again, " declared Miss Lovely firmly, "I shall tellfather. "

"That's an old tale, " replied the bold, bad young man. "Anyhow, it'sworth it, " and he kissed her. 

Miss Lovely sprang to her feet. "I shall tell father, " she said andleft the room. 

"Father, " she said softly to her parent when she got outside, "Mr. Bolder wants to see your new gun. "

"All right, I'll take it to him, " said her father, and two minuteslater he appeared in the doorway with his gun in his hand. 

There was a crash of breaking glass as Mr. Bolder dived through thewindow and departed in all haste for the railway station. --_Judge_. 

Before introducing Lieutenant de Tessan, aid to General Joffre, andColonel Fabry, the "Blue Devil of France, " Chairman Spencer, of theSt. Louis entertainment committee, at the M. A. A. Breakfast told thisanecdote. 

"In Washington, Lieutenant de Tessan was approached by a prettyAmerican girl, who said:

"'And did you kill a German soldier?'

"'Yes, ' he replied. 

"'With what hand did you do it?' she inquired. 

"'With this right hand, ' he said. 

"And then the pretty American girl seized his right hand and kissedit. Colonel Fabry stood near by. He strolled over and said toLieutenant de Tessan:

"'Heavens, man, why didn't you tell her that you bit him to death. '"

According to Dr. Bramer, the savages of Brumari Island never kiss eachother. Judging by their photographs, we don't blame them. 

A girl was asked to explain why men never kiss each other, while womendo. She replied:

"Men have something better to kiss; women haven't. "

A kiss is a peculiar proposition. Of no use to one, yet absolute blissto two. The small boy gets it for nothing, the young man has to stealit, and the old man has to buy it. The Baby's right, the Lover'sprivilege, the Hypocrite's mask. To a young girl, faith; to a marriedwoman, hope; to an old maid charity. 

KNOWLEDGE

_Self-Knowledge_

To be conscious that you are ignorant is a great help toknowledge. --_Disraeli_. 

_Superfluous_

"What's that you're goin' to give Bill?"

"An anesthetic. After he takes it he won't know anything. "

"Lor', Bill don't need that, he don't know anything now. "

 Knowledge is not happiness, and science But an exchange of ignorance for that Which is another kind of ignorance. 

 --_Byron_. 

LABOR AND CAPITAL

"What's the difference between capital and labor?"

"If I had to work and turn three-fourths of my wages over to you, thatwould be labor. "

"Yes?"

"On the other hand, if you had to work and turn three-fourths of yourwages over to me, that would be capital. "

LABOR AND LABORING CLASSES

JOHN--"You work hard. How many hods of mortar have yuh carried up thatladder today?"

BILL--"Hush, man. I'm foolin' the boss. I've carried this same hodfulup an' down all day, and he thinks I've been workin'. "

 Said a teacher of much erudition, "I deplore the poor workman's condition. " When he learned what they earned, His profession he spurned, And became a high-paid mechanician. 

"And how is your husband keeping?"

"'E ain't keeping; 'e's on strike, and I'm doing the keeping. "

BOSS--"No; we have all the men we need. "

LABORER--"Seems like you could take one more, the little bit of workI'd do. "--_Judge_. 

FARMER--"I'll give you $5 a month and your board!"

APPLICANT--"Aw, shucks! What do you think I am, a college graduate?"

Wilson Barrett used to tell an amusing story against himself. At atime when he had a lot of workmen redecorating his private residence, thinking to give them a treat, he asked if, after work one evening, they would like to have seats to go and see him play in "The Lights o'London, " at the Princess's Theater. 

They said they didn't mind if they did, and being given complimentarytickets, all went on a Saturday night to see their employer'sperformance. 

At the end of the week Barrett's eye caught sight of this item againsteach workman's name on the pay-sheet: "Saturday night. Four hours'overtime at Princess's Theater, eight shillings. "

LABOR-SAVING DEVICES

A New Orleans man tells of a visit he once made to a small, althoughimportant, place on the Caribbean coast of Colombia. 

At that time, it appears, his knowledge of South America was limited, and he viewed the sights with a keener interest than he does today. While he was waiting for the train in which he was to travel toBarranquilla, two peons went by with a wheelbarrow minus the wheel. It was a contrivance with handles at both ends, and it required theservices of two men to move it. 

Turning to a steamer acquaintance, the American asked him if therewere no real wheelbarrows in the place. 

"Oh, no, " replied the Colombian; "we use these ingenious devices sothat two men may do the work of one. "

LADIES

_See_ Woman. 

LANGUAGES

The oculist was examining the eyes of a patient from Jamaica. Herequested the patient to read the top line of the test card, theletters of which ran N P R T V Z B D F H K O. The patient emitteda spluttering sound. "Come, come, " urged the doctor, "read the topline. " The patient frowned and spluttered again. The doctor wasslightly exasperated. "If you can't read it, just say so, " he said. 

"Well, really, you know, " replied the Jamaican, "the letters areperfectly familiar, but I'm hanged if I know the language. "

"Why have words roots, pa?"

"To make the language grow, my child. "

LAUGHTER

Every time a man laughs he takes a kink out of the chain of life. 

"After all, " said Kwoter, "it's a true saying that 'he laughs best wholaughs last. '"

"Not at all, " replied Wise. "The really true saying is: 'He laughsbest whose laugh lasts. '"

LAUNDRY

"Did the laundry man find those cuffs he lost last week?"

"No, John. "

"The shirts are no good to me without the cuffs. "

"Evidently he figured it that way, too. This week he lost the shirts. "

LAWS

 The good need fear no law; It is his safety, and the bad man's awe. 

 --_Massinger_. 

"Your case would have been stronger, Mr. McGuire, " said the lawyer, "if you had acted only on the defensive. But you struck first. If youhad let him strike you first you would have had the law on your side. "

"Yes, " said McGuire. "Oi'd have had the law on my soide, but Oi'd havehad him on me stomach. "

Congressman Hull, of Iowa, sent free seeds to a constituent in afranked envelop, on the corner of which were the usual words, "Penaltyfor private use, $300. " A few days later he received a letter whichread:

"I don't know what to do about those garden-seeds you sent me. Inotice it is $300 fine for private use. I don't want to use them forthe public. I want to plant them in my private garden. I can't affordto pay $300 for the privilege. Won't you see if you can't fix it so Ican use them privately? I am a law-abiding citizen, and do not want tocommit any crime. "

LAWYERS

LAWYER--"Are you aware, sir, that what you contemplate is illegal?"

CLIENT--"Certainly. What do you suppose I came to consult you for?"

An Atlanta lawyer tells of a newly qualified judge in one of thetowns of the South who was trying one of his first criminal cases. Theprisoner was an old negro charged with robbing a hen-coop. He had beenin court before on a similar charge and was then acquitted. 

"Well Henry, " observed the Judge, "I see you're in trouble again. "

"Yessuh, " replied the negro. "De las' time, Jedge, you rec'lect, youwas mah lawyuh. "

"Where is your lawyer this time?"

"I ain't got no lawyer dis time, " said Henry. "Ah's gwine to tell detroof. "

"Pa, what is a retainer?"

"What you pay a lawyer before he does any work for you, my son. "

"Oh, I see. It's like the quarter you put in the gas-meter before youget any gas. "

After a young lawyer had talked nearly five hours to a jury, who feltlike lynching him, his opponent, a grizzled old veteran, arose, lookedsweetly at the judge, and said:

"Your honor, I will follow the example of my young friend who has justfinished, and submit the case without argument. "--_Life_. 

A Chicago business man, with many relatives, some of whom werewell-to-do but grasping, recently sought the services of his lawyer todraw up his will. When, after much labor, the document was completed, the client asked:

"Have you fixed this thing, as I wished it, tight and strong?"

"I have done my best, " said the lawyer. 

"Well, " continued the client, "I want to ask you another thing--notprofessionally, however. As a friend, and man to man, who do you thinkstands the best chance of getting the property when I am gone?"

The attorneys for the prosecution and defense had been allowed fifteenminutes each to argue the case. The attorney for the defense hadcommenced his argument with an allusion to the old swimming-hole ofhis boyhood days. He told in flowery oratory of the balmy air, thesinging birds, the joy of youth, the delights of the cool water--

And in the midst of it he was interrupted by the drawling voice of thejudge:

"Come out, Chauncey, " he said, "and put on your clothes. Your fifteenminutes are up. "

It is related that when Judge Benjamin Toppan of Ohio, who died inthe early '70s, applied for admission to the bar of that state he wasasked just two questions. "Mr. Toppan, what is law?" was the first ofthese. 

"An unjust distribution of justice, " replied the applicant. 

"What is equity?" was the second. 

"A damned imposition upon common sense!"

He was received into the brotherhood with open arms. 

MAGNATE--"I give that lawyer ten thousand dollars a year to keep meout of jail. "

"Oh, John! Please stop spending your money so foolishly. "--_Life_. 

When General Beck was a young lawyer a man was arraigned for murderand had no counsel. 

"Mr. Beck, " said the presiding judge, "take the prisoner into thatroom at the rear of the court, hear his story, and give him the bestadvice you can. "

Accordingly Beck disappeared with the prisoner, and in half an hour'stime returned into court--alone. 

"Where is the prisoner?" asked the judge. 

"Well, " replied Beck, slowly, "I heard his story, and then I gave himthe best advice I could. I said: 'Prisoner, if I were you I'd get outof that window and make tracks. ' He slid down the water-pipe, and thelast I saw of him he was getting over a stone wall half a mile away. "

"Smith certainly is a foxy fellow. He's drawn up his will in such away that the lawyers can't get more out of it than his own heirs. "

"How's that?"

"Why, he left half his fortune to one of the best lawyers in thecountry, provided he saw to it that the other half went to Smith'schildren intact. "

"I couldn't serve as a juror, judge. One look at that fellow convincesme he's guilty. "

"Sh-h! That's the district attorney. "

LITTLE WILLIE--"What is a lawyer, pa?"

PA--"A lawyer, my son, is a man who induces two other men to strip fora fight, and then runs off with their clothes. "

The following is told of a late railway magnate and a prominentPhiladelphia lawyer. 

Said the magnate to the lawyer--"I want you to show that this law isunconstitutional. Do you think that you can manage it?"

"Easily, " answered the lawyer. 

"Well, go ahead and get familiar with the case. "

"I'm already at home in it. I know my ground perfectly. It's the samelaw you had me prove was constitutional two years ago. "

"Are you sure you can prove my client is crazy?"

"Why, certainly, " replied the eminent alienist. "And what is more, ifyou are ever in trouble and need my services I'll do the same thingfor you. "

The lawyer was endeavoring to pump some free advice out of the doctor. 

"Which side is it best to lie on, Doc?"

"The side that pays you the retainer. "

An attorney in Dublin having died exceedingly poor, a shillingsubscription was set on foot to pay the expenses of his funeral. Mostof the attorneys and barristers having subscribed, one of them appliedto Toler, afterwards Lord Chief Justice Norbury, expressing his hopethat he would also subscribe his shilling. 

"Only a shilling!" said Toler; "only a shilling to bury an attorney!Here is a guinea; go and bury one-and-twenty of them. "

_See also_ Judges. 

LAZINESS

"I was in need of help to harvest my prune crop, " said the grower, "and I went to a saloon in a near-by city. On entering the place Iaccosted the barkeeper, and asked him if any of the men lounging aboutthe place cared for employment at good wages. 

"'I dunno, ' said the mixer, 'yer better ask 'em. '

"'Any of you men want to go to work?' I said. 

"There was a dead silence for a few moments, when one of the loafersspoke up and queried, 'What doing, and what do yer pay?'

"'Picking prunes, ' I replied, 'and I pay three dollars a day andboard. '

"'What kind of a place is it?' asked the garrulous one. 

"'It is an attractive rolling orchard, ' I answered. 

"The I. W. W. Spokesman rose from his chair, yawned, stretchedhimself, and said, 'Well, roll her in here and let's see her, andwe'll tell yer if we wants the job. '"

A morning paper complains that "eggs ought to be more plentiful andcheaper than they are at the present time. " The number of hens to beseen nowadays standing about doing nothing is certainly a scandal. 

An American teacher undertook the task of convincing an indolentnative son of the Philippines that it was his duty to get out andhustle. 

"But why should I work?" inquired the guileless Filipino. 

"In order to make money, " declared the thrifty teacher. 

"But what do I want with money?" persisted the brown brother. 

"Why, when you get plenty of money you will be independent and willnot have to work any more, " replied the teacher. 

"I don't have to work now, " said the native--and the teacher gave itup in disgust. 

FIRST COCKY (on horseback)--"That cove ye've had wurrkin' for yerarsked me fur a job this mornin'. Was he a steady chap Ryan?"

SECOND COCKY--"He was. If he'd ha' bin inny stiddier he'd ha' binmotionless. "

"What sort of a chap is Bill to camp out with?"

"He's one of those fellows who always takes down a mandolin about thetime it's up to somebody to get busy with the frying pan. "

A camera man who had ventured without permission to take some pictureson a farm for the educational department of a film company was metunexpectedly by the owner of the farm and hastened to explain hispresence there. "I've just been taking a few moving pictures of lifeon your farm, " he said. 

"Have you?" the old farmer responded. "And did you catch my hired manin motion?"

"Sure I did, " the man assured him. 

"You did!" the farmer exclaimed. Then he shook his head reflectively. "Well, well, " he remarked, "science is a wonderful thing. "

LEAGUE OF NATIONS

"Why do you object to the League of Nations?"

"On musical grounds. After singing 'My Country, 'Tis of Thee, ' allthese years, I don't want the mental effort of changing to 'OurCountries, Tis of Those. '"

FOR SALE--"League of Nations. " Several pages missing; binding gone inspots. Damaged by fire and water. Valuable historical document. Authornow unknown. As is. 

LEAP YEAR

 _A Modern Leap-Year Song_

 Ah, me! why should I marry me? Lovers are plenty, but fortunes are few Why lose wages that carry me Better by far than a husband could do? Fond youth, calmly I'm viewing you, Steeling a heart that might flutter and throb: I've no thought of pursuing you; Poverty's stupid--I'll stick to my job. 

LEFT HANDEDNESS

Pat, who was left-handed, was being sworn in as a witness in the WestSide Court of Denver, Colo. 

"Hold up your right hand, " said the judge. Up went Pat's left hand. 

"Hold up your right hand, " commanded the judge, sternly. 

"Sure and I am, yer honor, " declared Pat. "Me right hand's on meleft-hand side. "

LEGISLATION

"Have you made any resolutions or turned over a new leaf or anythinglike that?"

"No, " replied the man with the serene smile. "No need of them. If Ihave any lingering vices I feel that I need only wait for somebody tointroduce legislation that will make them impossible. "

LEGISLATORS

"Do you think we are happier for the conveniences of telegraph andtelephone?"

"Not always, " replied Senator Sorghum. "It would be a great comfortto be able to make a speech that exactly agrees with your audiencewithout its being placed immediately before people all over thecountry who may not feel the same way about it. "

"Senator, you promised me a job. "

"But there are no jobs. "

"I need a job, Senator. "

"Well, I'll ask for a commission to investigate as to why there are nojobs and you can get a job on that. "

LEISURE

THE CHILD--"Mother, what is 'leisure'?"

THE MOTHER--"It's the spare time a woman has in which she can do someother kind of work, dearie. "

LIARS

The teacher was telling her class a long, highly embellished storyof Santa Claus, and the mirth of Willie Jones eventually got entirelybeyond his control. 

"Willie, " said the teacher sternly, "what did I whip you foryesterday?"

"Fer lyin', " promptly answered Willie; "an' I was jest wonderin' whowas goin' to whip you. "

He who tells a lie is not sensible how great a task he undertakes, forhe must be forced to invent twenty more to maintain one. --_Pope_. 

A Boston minister once noticed a crowd of urchins clustered around adog of doubtful pedigree. 

"What are you doing, my little men?" he asked, with fatherly interest. 

"Swappin' lies, " volunteered one of the boys. "The feller that tellsthe biggest one gets the purp. "

"Shocking!" exclaimed the minister. "Why, when I was your age I neverthought of telling an untruth. "

"Youse win, " chorused the urchins. "The dog's yours, mister. "

A man may tell the same lie about the same thing to the same man seventimes seven, and be accounted truthful. Let him vary in but the merestdetail and he is a liar. Such is the patent gullibility of a tooconscientious world. 

An evangelist who was conducting services announced that on thefollowing evening he would speak on the subject of "Liars. " He advisedhis hearers to read in advance the seventeenth chapter of Mark. 

The next night he arose and said: "I am going to preach on 'Liars'tonight and I would like to know how many read the chapter Isuggested. " A hundred hands were upraised. 

"Now, " he said, "you are the very persons I want to talk to--thereisn't any seventeenth chapter of Mark. "

A Sunday school teacher asked a small girl the other day why Ananiaswas so severely punished. The little one thought a minute, thenanswered: "Please, teacher, they weren't so used to lying in thosedays. "

"Does your husband ever lie to you?"

"Never. "

"How do you know?"

"He tells me that I do not look a day older than I did when he marriedme, and if he doesn't lie about that, I don't think he would aboutless important matters. "

"Do you really mean to call me a liar?" asked one rival railroad manof another railroad man, during a dispute on business they had onAustin Avenue yesterday. 

"No, Colonel, I don't mean to call you a liar. On the contrary, I sayyou are the only man in town who tells the truth all the time, but I'moffering a reward of $25 and a chromo to any other man who will say hebelieves me when I say you never lie, " was the response. 

"Well, I'm glad you took it back, " replied the other party, as theyshook. --_A. E. Sweet_. 

_See also_ Husband; Real estate agents; Regrets. 

LIBERTY BONDS

"We accept Liberty Bonds at their full value for all goods. "

Thus reads a placard in the window of a wholesale liquor house. Wehave often wondered what the height of damphoolishness might be, having tried various things, but there it is: Exchanging a LibertyBond for booze. 

LIBRARIANS

 _The Reference Librarian_

 At times behind a desk he sits, At times about the room he flits-- Folks interrupt his perfect ease By asking questions such as these: "How tall was prehistoric man?" "How old, I pray, was Sister Ann?"

"Perhaps, " commented her husband's bookish friend, "you should bethankful you did not find him with his nose in 'The Inside of theCup!'"

 "What should one do if cats have fits?" "What woman first invented mitts?" "Who said 'To labor is to pray?'" "How much did Daniel Lambert weigh?" "Don't you admire E. P. Roe?" "What is the fare to Kokomo?" "Have you a life of Sairy Gamp?" "Can you lend me a postage-stamp?" "Have you the rimes of Edward Lear?" "What wages do they give you here?" "What dictionary is the best?" "Did Brummell wear a satin vest?" "How do you spell 'anemic, ' please?" "What is a Gorgonzola cheese?" "Who ferried souls across the Styx?" "What is the square of 96?" "Are oysters good to eat in March?" "Are green bananas full of starch?" "Where is that book I used to see?" "I guess you don't remember me?" "Haf you Der Hohenzollernspiel?" "Where shall I put this apple peel?" "Ou est, m'sie, la grand Larousse?" "Do you say 'two-spot, ' or 'the deuce'?" "Come, find my book--why make a row?" "A _red_ one--can't you find it _now_?" "Please, which is right? to 'lend' or 'loan'?" "Say, mister, where's the telephone?" "How _do_ you use this catalog?" "Oh, hear that noise! Is that my dog?" "Have you a book called 'Shapes of Fear'?" "You mind if I leave baby here?"

 --_Edmund Lester Pearson_

It was at the public library. A small shaver clutched a well-worn, dirty volume. At last it came his turn to place his volume for theinspection of the librarian. The suspense was great, but finallythe librarian leaned forward. Taking in the size of the boy and thenglancing back at the book she remarked, "This is rather technical, isn't it?"

Planting his feet firmly on the floor, the boy, half-defiant, half-apologetic, retorted, "It was that way when I got it, ma'am. "

"My husband is a most inveterate reader, " exclaimed Mrs. Knox with aslight tone of ennui. "He reads until dawn every morning. Why, lastnight I found him asleep with his nose in 'V. V. 's Eyes!'"

 _Toast to Librarians_

 Said the "maker of books" to the "keeper of books, " Yours is the task to hold The choice of the changeable minds of men To that which is pure gold. 

 Yours to watch at the ebb and flow The tides of the public thought-- Flotsam or jetsam floating in With the treasure genius brought. 

 For the unperishable dream of the soul lives on, As the dream of genius must, When the brain which wrought and the hand that wrote Are one with the "daisied dust. "

 And so with reverent hands may you give To the minds of men in their need, The written word that's the word worth while, So keepers of books--God speed!

 _Do You Believe In Fairies?_

 The world is full of people Who are under the impression That libr'ry work in general Is the easiest profession. 

 "Such nice clean work!" says So-and-So, "And such nice hours too!" "Why, really now, " exclaims a girl, "I don't see what you do. " "Just sitting reading all the books 'Most all the livelong day. Don't tell me now that just for this The city gives you pay!"

 And no one ever stops to think Why it's so quiet there. While they're just sitting at their ease In some nice easy chair. And how the books got on the shelves In just the right, right place, Nor how the "chief" keeps track of each, And with a smiling face. 

 Oh, mercy no, they seem to think Some fairy passed that way With books from many publishers And when she'd said, "Good day, " She catalogued them in a night, And with a bit of glue, Stuck in the pages that were loose, And mended old ones too. 

 And that she dusted all the shelves, And kept the records straight; So when the year came to an end, She would not be too late In handing in a full report Of just what had been done. (And "full" comprises everything That's underneath the sun). 

 Oh yes, you'll find them everywhere, Deluded as can be In thinking libr'ry work's a "cinch, " And looking longingly At someone's "easy libr'ry job" "With not a thing to do!" But tell me, do you libr'yites Believe in fairies too?

 --_H. I. B. In the Use of Print_. 

A certain woman who came in to take out a card, upon being told shemust give the name of a friend as reference said, "Why, I have nofriends. I was a librarian. "

_See also_ Books and reading. 

LIBRARIES

_The Power-House_

Every day I go past the Library on Ludlow Street

I look in the open windows and see the great dynamos. 

They have power enough to jazz the earth and throw the planets out ofstep, but they make no sound. 

I saw a girl with shell goggles dusting some of them, Unterrified by her proximity to such dangerous engines. 

Look out, child, look out, don't get too near the Bernard Shawrheostat or the Walt Whitman fly-wheel. --_Christopher Morley_. 

"May I take this book home please, or isn't it a _running_ book? Oh, I'm so glad, I thought it might be 'for reference only. '"

MAN--"I'd like a book on dramatic expression. "

LIBRARIAN--"Oral, of course?"

MAN--"Yes, I don't like poetry. "

LIES

Sin has many tools but a lie is the handle that fits them all. --_O. W. Holmes_. 

LIFE

As viewed by the

OPTIMIST PESSIMIST

Love LiesIndependence IngratitudeFun FoolishnessEndeavor Exertion

In traveling along a road in a motor car, there will be several carsahead of you going your way, and there will be several cars comingtoward you. Also ahead of you, going your way, there may be a haywagon or a farmer in a buggy. As you speed along, you look ahead anddeclare to yourself that there is no logical way in which you canget through the spaces thus created. Yet the vehicles always formthemselves into the right combination, and you pass through easily. This is the way with life. There are always obstacles that you do notsee how you can pass without a smash-up. But you always get by. 

"Stop, look, listen!"

The reflective man stopped to read the railroad warning. 

"Those three words illustrate the whole scheme of life, " said he. 

"How?"

"You see a pretty girl; you stop; you look; after you marry her, andfor the rest of your life, you listen. "

 _The Magician_

 Life has such a subtle way Of forming roses out of clay;

 Of taking tears that seemed in vain And making of them April rain;

 Of getting from a heedless rafter Echoes of dead bits of laughter;

 Of welding in a sunset sea Lost loveliness and imagery;

 Of making out of crawling things Butterflies with airy wings. 

 Life has such a subtle way Of turning darkness into day;

 Of bringing music, ocean-old, To newness of a tale untold;

 And then, grown jealous of its trust, Of changing roses back to dust. 

 --_Vivian Yeiser Laramore_. 

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soonas you can. Tomorrow is a new day, begin it well and serenely, andwith too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense. Thisday is all that is good and fair. It is too dear, with its hopes andinvitations, to waste a moment on the yesterdays. --_Emerson_. 

 _Life Is No Problem_

 Life is no problem to the heart That understands itself, That does not sit above, apart Upon some higher shelf. 

 And moralize on destiny And other things obscure, But has no more philosophy Than changeless love and pure. 

 Life is no problem to the mind That knows the way to live The habit just of being kind, The joy of just to give. 

 Life is no mystery at all To those who do not doubt But take this life as life befall And smile and live it out. 

 Do not with theories concern Yourself as on you go; There is but little we can learn, But little we can know. 

 Life is to live, to take the sweet The hidden fates have sent, To live each day the day you meet And try to be content. 

 So do not seek to tear the veil And read the heart of God. Enough that He is in the gale And in the velvet sod. 

 Enough that He has given you The boon of days and years, The world of green, the sky of blue, And sunshine after tears. 

 --_Douglas Mallock_. 

 _The Match Box_

 Life is a Match Box, and the Matches Ambitions, and unstruck desires; Youth the material that catches And kindles in the darkness fires. 

 And Love is like an idle fellow Who sets the match box in a blaze, And sees the blue flames and the yellow Shoot up and die beneath his gaze. 

 But Age is like a man returning Late homeward. Creeping in his socks He tries to get a candle burning, And finds he has an empty box. 

The seven ages of man have been well tabulated by somebody or other onan acquisitive basis. Thus:

First age--Sees the earth. 

Second age--Wants it. 

Third age--Hustles to get it. 

Fourth age--Decides to be satisfied with only half of it. 

Fifth age--Becomes still more moderate. 

Sixth age--Now content to possess a six-by-two strip of it. 

Seventh age--Gets the strip. 

 _Wisdom_

 When I have ceased to break my wings Against the faultiness of things, And learned that compromises wait Behind each hardly opened gate, When I can look life in the eyes Grown calm and very coldly wise, Life will have given me the Truth And taken in exchange--My Youth. 

 --_Sara Teasdale_. 

LISPING

A young lady who lisped very badly was treated by a specialist, and learned to say the sentence: "Sister Susie's Sewing Shirts forSoldiers. "

She repeated it to her friends, and was praised upon her masterlyperformance. 

"Yeth, but ith thuth an ectheedingly difficult remark to work into aconverthathion--ethpethially when you conthider that I have no thitherThuthie. "

LOGIC

"Sedentary work, " said the college lecturer, "tends to lessen theendurance. "

"In other words, " butted in the smart student, "the more one sits theless one can stand. "

"Exactly, " retorted the lecturer; "and if one lies a great deal one'sstanding is lost completely. "

Two men were hotly discussing the merits of a book. Finally, oneof them, himself an author, said to the other: "No, John, you can'tappreciate it. You never wrote a book yourself. "

"No, " retorted John, "and I never laid an egg, but I'm a better judgeof an omelet than any hen. "

LONDON

A teacher asked her class to write an essay on London. She wassurprised to read the following in one attempt:

"The people of London are noted for their stupidity. "

The young author was asked how he got that idea. 

"Please, miss, " was the reply, "it says in the text-books thepopulation of London is very dense. "

"Hiram writes that the first day he was in London he lost £12. "

"Great Cæsar's ghost! Ain't they got any health laws in that town?"

LOST AND FOUND

OLD GENTLEMAN (in street car)--"Has anyone here dropped a roll ofbills, with a rubber elastic around them?"

"Yes, I have!" cried a dozen at once. 

OLD GENTLEMAN (calmly)--"Well, I've just picked up the elastic. "

"Cohn, I've lost my pocketbook. "

"Have you looked by your pockets?"

"Sure, all but der left-hand hip pocket. "

"Vell, vy don't you look in dot?"

"Because if it ain't dere I'll drop dead!"

The following exchange of courtesy was recently chronicled in a Germanpaper's advertisements:

"The gentleman who found a brown purse, containing a sum of money, inthe Blumenstrasse, is requested to forward it to the address of theloser, as he is recognized. "

A couple of days later appeared the response, which, altho courteous, had an elusive air, to say the least:

"The recognized gentleman who picked up a brown purse in theBlumenstrasse requests the loser to call at his house at a convenientday. "

A small boy came hurriedly down the street, and halted breathlessly infront of a stranger going in the same direction. 

"Have you lost half a crown?" he asked with his hand in his pocket. 

"Y-es, yes, I believe I have!" said the stranger feeling in hispockets. "Have you found one?"

"Oh, no, " said the small boy. "I just want to see how many have beenlost today. Yours makes fifty-four!"

The young lady from New York was inclined to belittle things. 

"Why, " she remarked, "I could find my way up this mountain pathalone. "

"Wal, " responded the native, "a young couple went up this path lastyear and never came back. "

"Oh, my! Were they lost?"

"Nope, " was the reply, "they went down the other side!"

The other day when the beach was crowded, a small boy, looking ratherbewildered, approached a police officer and said, "Please, sir, haveyou seen anything of a lady around here?"

"Why, yes, " answered the officer, "I've seen several. "

"Well, have you seen any without a little boy?"

"Yes. "

"Well, " said the little chap, as a relieved look crossed his face, "I'm the little boy. Where's the lady?"

One does not mean to be personal, but, if the young man who sat inthe chair where a lady had left a dish of maple sugar to cool atthe festival the other evening, will return the saucer, he will savehimself further trouble. 

LOVE

 _Outwitted_

 He drew a circle that shut me out Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout. But Love and I had the wit to win, We drew a circle that took him in. 

 --_Edwin Markham_. 

DAUGHTER--"Oh, father, how grand it is to be alive! The world is toogood for anything. Why isn't every one happy?"

FATHER--"Who is he this time?"

EDITH--"How does Fred make love?"

MARIE--"Well, I should define it as unskilled labor. "

MAG. --"Wot is 'platonic affection, ' Liz? Is it love?"

LIZ. --"Well, no;--it ain't _true_ love! Dere ain't no quarreling init, ner no fighting, ner worrying, ner hocking, ner drinking, ner getting arrested fer non-support, ner _nuthin'_ wot's reallypassionate!"

 _Why_

 Do you know why the rabbits are caught in the snare Or the tabby cat's shot on the tiles? Why the tigers and lions creep out of their lair? Why an ostrich will travel for miles? Do you know why a sane man will whimper and cry And weep o'er a ribbon or glove? Why a cook will put sugar for salt in a pie? Do you know? Well, I'll tell you--it's Love. 

 --_H. P. Stevens_. 

PAPA--"Why, hang it, girl, that fellow only earns nine dollars aweek!"

PLEADING DAUGHTER--"Yes; but, daddy, dear, a week passes so quicklywhen you're fond of one another. "--_Judge_. 

"Love makes the world go 'round, " quoted the Parlor Philosopher. 

"Yes, but it has to be cranked, " replied the Mere Man. "It isn't aself-starter. "

 _Cupid_

 Why was Cupid a boy, And why a boy was he? He should have been a girl, For aught that I can see. 

 For he shoots with his bow, And a girl shoots with her eye; And they both are merry and glad, And laugh when we do cry. 

 Then to make Cupid a boy Was surely a woman's plan, For a boy never learns so much Till he has become a man. 

 And then he's so pierced with cares, And wounded with arrowy smarts, That the whole business of his life Is to pick out the heads of the darts. 

 --_William Blake_. 

Partake of love as a temperate man partakes of wine: do not becomeintoxicated. --_A. De Musset_. 

LUCK

VICAR--"Nothing to be thankful for! Why, think of poor old Hodgelosing his wife through the flu!"

GILES--"Well, that don't do me no good. I ain't Hodge. "

 Good luck is the gayest of all gay girls; Long in one place she will not stay: Back from your brow she strokes the curls, Kisses you quick and flies away. 

 But Madame Bad Luck soberly comes And stays--no fancy has she for flitting; Snatches of true-love songs she hums, And sits by your bed, and brings her knitting. 

 --_John Hay_. 

YOUNG SON--"What is luck, father?"

FATHER--"Luck, my son, is something that enables another fellow tosucceed where we have failed. "

MAGAZINES

_History of the Magazine Story_

July 27, 1914--Author finishes it. 

Aug. 3, 1914--Rewrites, giving incidental war slant. 

May 9, 1915--Rewrites; hero rescues heroine from torpedoed liner. 

Apr. 7, 1917--Rewrites; hero enlists; villain, German spy. 

Nov. 13, 1918--Rewrites; denouement, allied entrance into Berlin;heroine, Red Cross nurse. 

Nov. 13, 1918--Rewrites; climax, homecoming from overseas. 

Aug. 15, 1919--War fiction going stale; goes back to original story, retaining only German villain. 

Jan. 1, 1923--Rewrites; takes out German villain. 

Apr. 1, 1934--Author in old people's home; sells original story toCozy Hearth; editor features it as "charming romance of life beforethe war. "

EDITOR (surveying summer landscape)--"Season of mists and mellowfruitfulness, close bosom friend of the maturing sun!"

FRIEND--"But, I say, that was written about autumn, wasn't it?"

EDITOR--"Yes, yes, I know--but you must remember that we always go topress four months in advance!"

It was the first of January when a stranger entered the offices ofPushup's Monthly Magazine. 

"Gracious, but it is hot in here!" he remarked to a man in his shirtsleeves, who was mopping his face with a handkerchief. 

"Some, " was the terse reply of the man, who was no other than thefamous editor himself. 

"What are all those flowers, straw hats and palm-leaf fans scatteredabout for?"

"Oh, to give a touch of realism;--we are now preparing ourgreat Midsummer Fiction Number, " was the great editor's kindlyreply. --_E. C. H_. 

MAJORITY

"You don't mean to tell me you ever doubt the wisdom of the majority?"

"Well, " responded Senator Sorghum with deliberation, "what is amajority? In many instances it is only a large number of people whohave got tired out trying to think for themselves and have decided toaccept somebody else's opinion. "

MARKSMANSHIP

"Why do you compare my marksmanship with lightning?" asked therecruit. 

"Because, " replied the instructor, "it never hits twice in the sameplace. "

OFFICER (to recruit)--"Goodness gracious, man, where are all yourshots going? Every one has missed the target. "

SOLDIER (nervously)--"I don't know, sir. They left here all right. "

MARRIAGE

"Hubby, if I were to die would you marry again?"

"That question is hardly fair, my dear. "

"Why not?"

"If I were to say yes you wouldn't like it, and to say never againwouldn't sound nice. "

THE PHRENOLOGIST--"Yes, sir, by feeling the bumps on your head I cantell exactly what sort of man you are. "

MR. DOOLAN--"Oi belave it will give ye more ov an oidea wot sort ov awoman me woife is. "--_Jack Canuck_. 

Private Nelson got his leave, and made what he conceived to be thebest use of his holiday by getting married. 

On the journey back at the station he gave the gateman his marriagecertificate in mistake for his return railway ticket. 

The official studied it carefully, and then said:

"Yes, my boy, you've got a ticket for a long journey, but not on thisroad. "

NORTH--"I see they're reviving the talk about trial marriages. Do youbelieve in them?"

WEST--"Well, mine is quite a trial, but I can't say I believe in itespecially. "

A young fellow took his elderly father to a football match. 

"Father, " he said as they took their seats, "you'll see moreexcitement for your five dollars than you ever saw before. "

"Oh, I don't know, " grunted the old man; "five dollars was all I paidfor my marriage license. "

George Washington Jones, colored, was trying to enlist in UncleSam's army, and the following conversation ensued with the recruitingofficer:

"Name?"

"George Washington Jones, sah. "

"Age?"

"I'se twenty-seven years old, sah. "

"Married?"

"No, sah. Dat scar on mah haid is whar a mule done kicked me. "

 If marriage is a lottery, As saw smiths often say, The lucky gambler is, of course, The one who doesn't play. 

 --_Tennyson J. Daft_. 

At the wedding reception the young man remarked: "Wasn't it annoyingthe way that baby cried during the whole ceremony?"

"It was simply dreadful, " replied the prim little maid of honor; "andwhen I get married I'm going to have engraved right in the corner ofthe invitations: 'No babies expected. '"

"The man who gives in when he is wrong, " said the street orator, "is awise man; but he who gives in when he is right is--"

"Married!" said a meek voice in the crowd. 

Mrs. Killifer desired that the picture be hung to the right of thedoor; Mr. Killifer wanted it hung to the left. For once the husbandproved to be the more insistent of the two, and Henry, the coloredman, was summoned to hang the picture according to Mr. Killifer'sorder. 

Henry drove in a nail on the left. This done, he also drove one in thewall on the right. 

"Why are you driving that second nail?" asked Mr. Killifer. 

"Why, boss, dat's to save me de trouble of bringin' de ladder tomorrowwhen you come round to de missus's way of thinkin', " said Henry. 

Mr. Brown met Mr. Jones on the street. 

"Any news, Brown?" asked Jones. 

"Nothing special. I've just been reading the Sunday paper. And I findone peculiar thing in it that may be news to you. "

"What is it?"

"The Sunday paper says that women in ancient Egypt used to act asthey pleased, live as they pleased, and dress as they pleased, withoutregard to what the men thought. Lucky we don't live in those times, what?"

"Mr. Brown, are you married?"

"What has that got to do with it? As a matter of fact, I'm not. "

"I thought not. "

"She calls her dog and her husband by the same pet name. It must causefrequent confusion. "

"Not at all. She always speaks gently to the dog. "

"Pa, a man's wife is his better half, isn't she?"

"We are told so, my son. "

"Then if a man marries twice there isn't anything left of him, isthere?"

_How the Row Started_

MR. BROWN--"I had a queer dream last night, my dear. I thought I sawanother man running off with you. "

MRS. BROWN--"And what did you say to him?"

MR. BROWN--"I asked him what he was running for. "

Uncle Josh was comfortably lighting his pipe in the living-room oneevening when Aunt Maria glanced up from her knitting. 

"John, " she remarked, "do you know that next Sunday will be thetwenty-fifth anniversary of our wedding?"

"You don't say so, Maria!" responded Uncle Josh, pulling vigorously onhis corncob pipe. "What about it?"

"Nothing, " answered Aunt Maria, "only I thought maybe we ought to killthem two Rhode Island Red chickens. "

"But, Maria, " demanded Uncle Josh, "how can you blame them two RhodeIsland Reds for what happened twenty-five years ago?"

GARDENER--"I am going to leave, sir. I can't stand the Missus!"

EMPLOYER--"Too strict, is she?"

GARDENER--"Yes, sir. She keeps forgetting that I can leave any time, and bosses me about just as if I was you!"

"Get away from here or I'll call my husband, " threatened thehard-faced woman who had just refused the tramp some food. 

"Oh, no, you won't, " replied the tramp, "because he ain't home. "

"How do you know?" asked the woman. 

"Because, " answered the man as he sidled toward the gate, "a man whomarries a woman like you is only home at meal times. "

FRIENDLY CONSTABLE--"Come, come, sir, pull yourself together; yourwife's calling you. "

CONVIVIAL GENT--"Wha' she call-calling me; Billy or William?"

CONSTABLE--"William, sir. "

CONVIVIAL GENT--"Then I'm not going home. "

HUSBAND (angrily)--"What! no supper ready? This is the limit! I'mgoing to a restaurant. "

WIFE--"Wait just five minutes. "

HUSBAND--"Will it be ready then?"

WIFE--"No, but then I'll go with you. "

"Why have I never married?" the old bachelor said in reply to aleading question. "Well, once upon a time, in a crowd, I trod on alady's gown. She turned furiously, beginning, 'You clumsy brute!' Thenshe smiled sweetly and said, 'Oh, I beg pardon! I thought you were myhusband! No; it really doesn't matter in the least. '

"And when I came to think it over, I decided that maybe I'd just aswell let marriage alone. "

"I hear the sea captain is in hard luck. He married a girl and she ranaway from him. "

"Yes; he took her for a mate, but she was a skipper. "

FORTUNE-TELLER--"You wish to know about your future husband?"

CUSTOMER--"No; I wish to know about the past of my present husband forfuture use. "

"Do you act toward your wife as you did before you married her?"

"Exactly. I remember just how I used to act when I first fell in lovewith her. I used to lean over the fence in front of her house and gazeat her shadow on the curtain, afraid to go in. And I act just the sameway now when I get home late. "

"Marriage is a lottery. "

"Not exactly, " commented Miss Cayenne. "When you lose in a lotteryit's an easy matter to tear up the ticket and forget it. "

Lightning knocked over three men who were sitting on boxes in front ofSawyer's store yesterday. One of them was knocked senseless; the othertwo exclaimed, "Leggo! I'm comin' right home. "

TEACHER--"In what part of the Bible is it taught that a man shouldhave only one wife?"

LITTLE BOY--"I guess it's the part that says that no man can servemore than one master. "

The trouble with most marriages is that a man always makes the mistakeof marrying the woman who carries him off his feet--instead of tryingto find one who will keep him on them. 

CONDUCTOR (to passenger of Pullman)--"Excuse me, sir. Is this ladyyour wife?"

PASSENGER--"I don't know. It depends upon what State we are passingthrough. "--_Life_. 

"I'm thinking of getting married, pa. What's it like?"

"You had a job as janitor once, didn't you?"

"Yes. "

"And you had a position as watchman once, didn't you?"

"And you worked a while as a caretaker, didn't you?"

"Yes. "

"Well, it's a combination of all three jobs--and then some. "

The archbishop had preached a fine sermon on married life andits beauties. Two old Irishwomen were heard coming out of churchcommenting on the address. 

"'Tis a fine sermon his Riverence would be after giving us, " said oneto the other. 

"It is, indade, " was the quick reply, "and I wish I knew as littleabout the matter as he does. "--_Life_. 

A young Swede appeared at the county judge's office and asked for alicense. 

"What kind of a license?" asked the judge. "A hunting license?"

"No, " was the answer. "Aye tank aye bane hunting long enough. Aye wantmarriage license. "

The young man sidled into the jeweler's shop with a furtive air. Hehanded the jeweler a ring with the stammered statement that he wishedit marked "with some names. "

"What names do you wish?" inquired the jeweler in a sympathetic tone. 

"From Henry to Clara, " the young man blushingly whispered. 

The jeweler looked from the ring to the young man, and said in afatherly manner: "Take my advice, young man, and have it engravedsimply, 'From Henry. '"

JUDGE--"The police say that you and your wife had some words. "

PRISONER--"I had some, but didn't get a chance to use them. "--_Puck_. 

At the end of three weeks of married life, a Southern darky returnedto the minister who had performed the ceremony and asked for adivorce. After explaining that he could not grant divorces, theminister tried to dissuade his visitor from carrying out his intentionof getting one saying:

"You must remember, Sam, that you promised to take Liza for better orfor worse. "

"Yassir, I knows dat, boss, " rejoined the darky; "but--but she's wussdan I took her for. "

In one of the big base hospitals of the Army not long ago a newlibrarian was set to work by the American Library Association. Shewas a very charming young woman, and very anxious to please all of her"customers, " tho some of them didn't even wish to look at a book. Inher rounds she approached one of the patients and he declined to beinterested in her wares. At the next cot she stopped and offered itsoccupant a book. 

"What's it about?" the patient asked. 

"Oh, this is 'Bambi, '" said the librarian. "It's about a girl whomarried a man without his having anything to say about it. "

"Hold on there, " shouted the man who had declined all books. He raisedhimself up on his elbow and reached out his hand. "Give me that book. It's my autobiography. "

Miss SNOWFLAKE--"What did Jim Jackson git married for?"

Miss WASHTUBB--"Lawd only knows;--he keeps right on workin'!"

The beautiful young woman interviewed a fortune-teller on the usualsubjects. 

"Lady, " said the clairvoyant, "you will visit foreign lands, and thecourts of kings and queens. You will conquer all rivals and marrythe man of your choice. He will be tall and dark and aristocraticlooking. "

"And young?" interrupted the lady. 

"Yes, and very rich. "

The beautiful lady grasped the fortune teller's hands and pressed themhard. 

"Thank you, " she said. "Now tell me one thing more. How shall I getrid of my present husband?"

Miss Milly was rather a talkative young lady. Her bosom friend, havingmissed her for some time, called to find out the reason. 

"No, mum, Miss Milly is not in, " the maid informed her. 

"She has gone to the class. "

"Why, what class?" inquired the caller in surprize. 

"Well, mum, you know Miss Milly is getting married soon, so she'staking a course of lessons in domestic silence. "

Mrs. Peavish says that if it were to do over again, no man need everask for her hand until he had shown his. 

In London they tell of a certain distinguished statesman who is anoptimist on all points save marriage. 

One afternoon this statesman was proceeding along a country roadwhen he saw a cottager eating his supper alone in the road before hisdwelling. 

"Why, Henry, " asked the statesman, "why are you eating out herealone?"

"Well, sir, er--" the man stammered, "the--er--chimney smokes. "

"That's too bad, " said the statesman, his philanthropic sentiments atonce being aroused. "I'll have it fixed for you. Let's have a look atit. "

And before the cottager could stay him the statesman proceeded toenter the cottage. As soon as he had opened the door a broomstick fellupon his shoulders and a woman's voice shrieked:

"Back here again, are you, you old rascal! Clear out with you, orI'll--"

The statesman retired precipitately. The cottager sat in the roadshaking his head in sorrow and embarrassment. The statesman bent overhim, and laid his hand in kindly fashion on his arm. 

"Never mind, Henry, " said he, consolingly, "my chimney smokessometimes, too. "--_Harper's_. 

NODD--"Are you sure your wife knows I'm going home to dinner withyou?"

TODD--"Knows! Well, rather! Why, my dear fellow, I argued with herabout it this morning for nearly half an hour. "--_Life_. 

A recent experience of a Virginia clergyman throws light on the oldEnglish law requiring that marriages should be celebrated before noon. A colored couple appeared before him, asking to be married, the man ina considerably muddled state. The minister said to the woman, "I won'tperform this ceremony. "

"Why is dat, boss?" she queried. "Ain't de license all right? An' weis of age. "

"Yes, but the man is drunk. Take him away and come back again. "Several days later the couple again presented themselves, the man oncemore obviously intoxicated. "See here, I told you I wouldn't marry youwhen this man was drunk, " the minister said testily. "Don't you comeback here till he's sober. "

"Well, you see, suh, " the woman replied apologetically, "de trufe isdat he won't come less'n he's lit up. "

"Well, " cried Mrs. Henpeck, "our son is engaged to be married. We willwrite to the dear lad and congratulate him. "

Mr. Henpeck agreed (he dare not do otherwise), and his wife picked upthe pen. 

"My darling boy, " read the son; "what glorious news! Your father and Irejoice in your happiness. It has long been our greatest wish that youshould marry some good woman. A good woman is Heaven's most preciousgift to man. She brings out all the best in him and helps him tosuppress all that is evil. "

Then there was a postscript in a different handwriting:

"Your mother has gone for a stamp. Keep single, you youngnoodle. "--_Judge_. 

"Women always have and always will keep men guessing, " declares theWathena (Kan. ) Times. "A Wathena merchant employed a homely girlbecause he thought he could keep her. Within a few months a young manmarried her for the same reason. "

A prominent New York débutante recently ordered "four seats on theaisle" at the theater. When her party arrived at the performance, theywere surprised to find themselves arranged in a column instead of arow. Nothing daunted, the débutante turned to a bored, middle-agedman next to her. Surely he would not mind changing with her friend infront. 

"I beg your pardon, " she said politely. 

No reply. He must be deaf. 

"I beg your pardon, " she repeated louder. 

Still no reply. 

"I beg your pardon, " she said, bumping his elbow. 

He took out a pencil and wrote on his program:

"That's my wife on the other side of me. Safety first. "

Man puts up with marriage in order to get a certain girl--a girl putsup with a certain man in order to get married. 

In the old days man used to marry woman for a dot--now he marries herfor a period. 

Marriage may be likened to a subscription to a favorite magazine--itis something that should be renewed each year if it is not to expire. 

A married woman said to her husband: "You have never taken me to thecemetery. "

"No, dear, " replied he; "that is a pleasure I have yet inanticipation. "

A man of perhaps 55, wearing a rough peajacket, showing glimpses ofa soiled pink silk shirt, with a rubber collar, approached and inconfiding tones asked for a book for a "widow past 50 who is thinkingof getting married. " The assistant proceeded to inquire as to whatkind of a story he thought she might like. "Oh, " he said, "what I wantis a story that will kind o' cheer her up. "

_See also_ Domestic finance; Husbands; Leap year. 

MASCOTS

"Does a rabbit's foot really bring good luck?"

"I should say so. My wife felt one in my money pocket once and thoughtit was a mouse. "

MATHEMATICS

_See_ Arithmetic. 

MATRIMONY

_See_ Marriage. 

MEASURING INSTRUMENTS

A two-foot rule was given to a laborer in a Clyde boat-yard to measurean iron plate. The laborer not being well up in the use of the rule, after spending considerable time, returned. 

"Now, Mick, " asked the plater, "what size is the plate?"

"Well, " replied Mick, with a grin of satisfaction, "it's the lengthof your rule and two thumbs over, with this piece of brick andthe breadth of my hand and my arm from here to there, bar afinger. "--_Everybody's_. 

MEDALS

A well-known admiral--a stickler for uniform--stopped opposite avery portly sailor whose medal-ribbon was an inch or so too low down. Fixing the man with his eye, the admiral asked: "Did you get thatmedal for eating, my man?"

On the man replying "No, sir, " the admiral rapped out: "Then why thedeuce do you wear it on your stomach?"

MEDICAL ETHICS

Not so very long ago a certain attorney was quite ill. A doctor wassummoned, but directly he arrived and got one look at his patient hesaid, "Sorry, but you'll have to call another doctor. "

"Am I as sick as all that?" gasped the attorney. 

"No, but you're the lawyer that cross-examined me when I was calledto give expert testimony in a certain case. Now my conscience won'tpermit me to kill you, but I'm darned if I care to cure you. Goodday. "

MEDICINE

DOCTOR--"What? Troubled with sleeplessness? Eat something before goingto bed. "

PATIENT--"Why doctor, you once told me never to eat anything beforegoing to bed. "

DOCTOR (with dignity)--"Pooh, pooh! That was last January. Science hasmade enormous strides since then. "

GIRL (to druggist)--"Could you fix me a dose of castor oil so as theoil won't taste?"

DRUGGIST--"Certainly! Won't you have a glass of soda while waiting?"(She drinks the soda. )

DRUGGIST--"Something else, miss?"

GIRL--"No, just the oil. "

DRUGGIST--"But you have just drank it. "

GIRL--"Oh! It was for my mother. "

"Are you of the opinion, James, " asked a slim-looking man of hiscompanion, "that Dr. Smith's medicine does any good?"

"Not unless you follow the directions. "

"What are the directions?"

"Keep the bottle tightly corked. "

MEMORY

Most of us forget to remember; it is harder, far, to remember toforget. And the more one endeavors to forget, the more memory insists. 

"So you really think your memory is improving under treatment. Youremember things now?"

"Well, not exactly, but I have progressed so far that I can frequentlyremember that I have forgotten something, if I could only rememberwhat it is. "

A school-teacher who had been telling a class of small pupils thestory of discovery of America by Columbus, ended it with: "And allthis happened more than six hundred years ago. "

A little boy, his eyes wide open with wonder, said, after a moment'sthought: "Gee, what a memory you've got!"

 _A Thing Forgotten_

 White owl is not gloomy; Black bat is not sad. It is only that each has forgotten Something he used to remember: Black bat goes searching . . . Searching. . . . White owl says over and over Who? What? Where?

WALTER--"Mr. Smith's left his umbrella again. I do believe he wouldleave his head if it were loose. "

ROBINSON--"I dare say you're right. I heard him say only yesterday hewas going to Switzerland for his lungs. "

Rose, the garrulous domestic, can give you facts ofhistory--international, dramatic, scandalous--right off the batwithout a moment's hesitation. 

"How do you manage to remember all these things, Rose?" inquired heremployer the other day. 

Then Rose came back with the infallible rule for memory training. 

"I'll tell ye, ma'am, " says she. "All me life never a lie I've told. And when ye don't have to be taxin' yer memory to be rememberin' whatye told this one or that one, or how ye explained this or that, yedon't overwork it and it lasts ye, good as new, forever. "

"What brought you here, my man?" asked the prison visitor. 

"Just plain absent-mindedness, " replied the prisoner. 

"Why, how could that be?"

"I forgot to change the engine number of the car before I sold it. "

MEN

"Daughter, " said the father, "your young man, Rawlings, stays until avery late hour. Has not your mother said something to you about thishabit of his?"

"Yes, father, " replied the daughter sweetly. "Mother says men haven'taltered a bit. "

All mankind is divided into three classes: those that are immovable, those that are movable, and those that move. --_Arabian proverb_. 

For every woman who makes a fool out of a man there is another womanwho makes a man out of a fool. 

The ideal man is as numerous as there are women to describe him. 

If a woman is an hour late in returning home, and her husband isworried, she is flattered. If a man is three hours late he is angry ifanyone is worried. 

He was fond of playing jokes on his wife, and this time he thought hehad a winner. 

"My dear, " he said, as they sat at supper, "I just heard such a sadstory of a young girl today. They thought she was going blind, and soa surgeon operated on her and found--"

"Yes?" gasped the wife breathlessly. 

"That she'd got a young man in her eye!" ended the husband, with achuckle. 

For a moment there was silence. Then the lady remarked, slowly:

"Well, it would all depend on what sort of a man it was. Some of themshe could have seen through easily enough. "

A little girl wrote the following composition on men:

"Men are what women marry. They drink and smoke and swear, but don'tgo to church. Perhaps if they wore bonnets they would. They are morelogical than women, also more zoological. Both men and women sprangfrom monkeys, but the women sprang farther than the men. "

 _Essay on Man_

 At ten, a child; at twenty, wild; At thirty, tame, if ever; At forty, wise; at fifty, rich; At sixty, good, or never!

_See also_ Husbands. 

METHODISTS

He came of good Methodist stock and they were telling him about thedisciples. They told him quite a lot about them, and somehow he didn'tseem quite satisfied. 

At last he voiced his trouble:

"But were they all Disciples? Weren't there _any_ Methodists?"

MIDDLEMAN

"The first shall be last and the last shall be first, " quoted thedevout citizen. 

"It makes no difference to me how you arrange 'em, " replied the expertcommercialist. "I'll get mine either way. I'm the middleman. "

"Pop!"

"Yes, my son. "

"What is a gardener?"

"A gardener is a man who raises a few things, my boy. "

"And what is a farmer?"

"A man who raises a lot of things. "

"Well, what is a middleman, Pop?"

"Why, he's a fellow who raises everything, my son. "

MILITARISM

VILLAGE PACIFIST (as the Salvation Army passes)--"Oh, it's all right. I ain't sayin' 'taint. But it's fosterin' th' martial speerit jes' th'same. "--_Judge_. 

MILITARY DISCIPLINE

A colored gentleman was walking post for the first time in his life. Adark form approached him. 

"Halt!" he cried in a threatening tone. "Who are you?"

"The officer of the day. "

"Advance!"

The O. D. Advanced, but before he had proceeded half a dozen steps thedusky sentinel again cried, "Halt!"

"This is the second time you have halted me, " observed the O. D. "Whatare you going to do next?"

"Never you mind what Ah's gonna do. Mah orders are to call 'Halt!'three times, den shoot. "

At twelve the other night one of our aviators who had libertyuntil ten-thirty was "hot-footin'" it back from a hop harbor in aneighboring ville. He passed the tracks, the "Y, " and then started onthe double past the sentry at the gate. 

"Halt!" commanded the sentry. 

"Halt nothin', " yelled the gob; "I'm two hours late now. "

The railings of a big transport on its way to France were lined withvery new soldiers when a massive gob hurried by, bent upon some urgentduty. 

"Gangway! Gangway!" he shouted as he passed along the deck. 

"Gee, that guy'll catch hell when they find him, " murmured one of therecruits. "They been hollerin' for him all mornin. '"

"Hollerin' for who?"

"Why, that guy Gangway. "

FRIEND--"How's your boy getting on in the army, Mr. Johnson?"

JOHNSON--"Wonderful! I feel a sense of great security. An army thatcan make my boy get up early, work hard all day, and go to bed earlycan do anything!"

He was a very young officer, who looked as if he should be wearingknee breeches. 

One day when his company was up for inspection at the training camp, one of the men remarked in a tone of deep sarcasm. "And a little childshall lead them. "

"The man who said that, step forward, " was the immediate command. Theentire company stepped out and repeated the quotation. 

The lieutenant looked up and down the line. "Dismissed, " he announcedshortly. 

The men thought they had gotten the better of him, but not for long, for that night at retreat when the orders for the following day wereread they heard: "There will be a twenty-five-mile hike tomorrow withfull equipment, and a little child shall lead them--on a damned goodhorse. "

HE--"Have the car ready at the Admiralty at 4:30. "

CHAUFFEUSE--"Very well. "

HE--"I am accustomed to being addressed as 'My Lord!'"

SHE--"I am accustomed to being addressed as 'My Lady!'"

Aunt Nancy was visiting an army camp and as she approached somerookies were sitting on their heels and then rising to a standingposition in perfect unison. 

"What are the boys doing now?" she asked. 

"Why, those are the setting-up exercises, " explained an obligingsergeant. 

"Humph, " remarked auntie. "Looks to me more like settin' downexercises. "

Passing a hand over his forehead, the worried drill-sergeant pausedfor breath as he surveyed the knock-kneed recruit. Then he pointeda scornful finger. "No, " he declared, "you're hopeless. You'll nevermake a soldier. Look at you now. The top 'alf of your legs is standin'to attention, an' the bottom 'alf is standin' at ease!"

A sergeant was trying to drill a lot of raw recruits, and afterworking hard for three hours he thought they seemed to be getting intosome sort of shape, so decided to test them. 

"Right turn!" he cried. Then, before they had ceased to move, cameanother order, "Left turn!"

One hoodlum left the ranks and started off toward the barracks-room. 

"Here, you!" yelled the angry sergeant. "Where are you going?"

"I've had enough, " replied the recruit in a disgusted tone. "You don'tknow your own mind for two minutes runnin'!"

The day after the second draft quota had reached Camp Devens a rookiestrolled into camp after dark. As he was going past a sentry, he waschallenged. 

"Who goes there?"

"Machine gun 301, " answered the rookie. 

"Advance to be recognized. "

"Aw, you don't know me. I've only been here a coupla days. "

"How did that private ever get in here?" asked a corporal of a captainas he looked at a boy who seemed to be a physical weakling. 

"Walked in backward, " said the captain, "and the guard thought he wasgoing out. "

"Remember, my son, " said his mother as she bade him good-by, "whenyou get to camp try to be punctual in the mornings, so as not to keepbreakfast waiting. "--_Life_. 

A young American artist who has just returned from a six-months' jobof driving a British ambulance on the war-front in Belgium brings thisback, straight from the trenches:

"One cold morning a sign was pushed up above the German trench facingours, only about fifty yards away, which bore in large letters thewords:

"'GOTT MIT UNS!'

"One of our cockney lads, more of a patriot than a linguist, looked atthis for a moment and then lampblacked a big sign of his own, which heraised on a stick. It read:

"'WE GOT MITTENS, TOO!'"

"Who goes there?" the sentry challenged. 

"Lord Roberts, " answered the tipsy recruit. 

Again the sentry put the question and received a like answer, whereupon he knocked the offender down. When the latter came to, thesergeant was bending over him. "See here!" said the sergeant, "whydidn't you answer right when the sentry challenged you?"

"Holy St. Patrick!" replied the recruit; "if he'd do that to LordRoberts, what would he do to plain Mike Flanagan?"

A mud-spattered dough-boy slouched into the "Y" hut where anentertainment was in progress and slumped into a front seat. 

Firm, kindly, and efficient, a Y. M. C. A. Man approached him, saying:"Sorry, buddy, but the entire front section is reserved for officers. "

Wearily the youth rose. 

"All right, " he drawled, "but the one I just got back from wasn't. "

A well-dressed stranger strolled up to a colored prisoner, who wastaking a long interval of rest between two heaves of a pick. 

"Well, Sam, what crime did you commit to be put in those overalls andset under guard?"

"Ah went on a furlong, sah. "

"Went on a furlong? You mean you went on a furlough. "

"No, boss, it was a sho' nuff furlong. Ah went too fur, and Ah stayedtoo long. "

An officer of the A. E. F. Relates the following: "We had a bunch ofnegro troops on board and it was a terrible experience to them, asmost of them had never been away from home before. They were veryreligious and used to pray all over the ship. One big buck held aprayer right outside my window, thus: 'O Lord, if Thou doesn't doanother thing on this trip, call this ocean to attention. '"

CAPTAIN (speaking to raw recruit trying to drill)--"What was youroccupation before entering the army?"

ROOKIE--"Traveling salesman, sir. "

CAPTAIN--"Stick around; you'll get plenty of orders here. "

MILK

"You are charged with selling adulterated milk, " said the judge. 

"Your Honor, I plead not guilty. "

"But the testimony shows that it is 25 per cent water. "

"Then it must be high-grade milk, " returned the plaintiff. "If yourHonor will look up the word 'milk' in your dictionary you will findthat it contains from 80 to 90 per cent water. I should have sold itfor cream!"

The morning milk delivered at the parsonage was certainly weak, andthe head of the household considered it necessary to remonstrate. "Areyou aware, " he remarked to the milkman, "that we require this milk forthe hitherto recognized purposes?"

"I hope so, sir, " replied the tradesman. 

"That's all right, then, " returned the parson gently; "I merelymentioned it in case you may have thought we wanted it for the font. "

On the outskirts of Philadelphia is an admirable stock farm. One daylast summer some poor children were permitted to go over this farm, and when their inspection was done, to each of them was given a glassof milk. The milk was excellent. 

"Well, boys, how do you like it?" the farmer said, when they haddrained their glasses. 

"Fine, " said one little fellow. Then after a pause, he added, "I wishtour milkman kept a cow. "

MILLENNIUM

 _What Will We Do?_

 What will we do when the good days come-- When the prima donna's lips are dumb, And the man who reads us his "little things" Has lost his voice like the girl who sings; When stilled is the breath of the cornet-man, And the shrilling chords of the quartette clan; When our neighbors' children have lost their drums Oh, what will we do when the good time comes? Oh, what will we do in that good blithe time, When the tramp will work--oh, thing sublime! And the scornful dame who stands on your feet Will "Thank you, sir, " for the profered seat; And the man you hire to work by the day, Will allow you to do his work your way; And the cook who trieth your appetite Will steal no more than she thinks is right; When the boy you hire will call you "Sir, " Instead of "Say" and "Guverner"; When the funny man is humorsome-- How can we stand the millennium?

 --_Robert J. Burdette_. 

MILLINERS

"Madam, " announced the new maid, "your husband is lying unconscious inthe reception hall, with a large box beside him and crushing a paperin his hand. "

"Ah, " cried her mistress in ecstacy, "my new hat has come. "

MILLIONAIRES

_The Idle Rich_

The teacher asked his pupils to write an essay, telling what theywould do if they had five million dollars. 

Every pupil except little William Powers began writing immediately. William sat idle, twiddling his fingers and watching the flies on theceiling. 

Teacher collected the papers, and William handed in a blank sheet. 

"How is this, William?" asked teacher. "Is this your essay? Everyother pupil has written two sheets or more, while you have donenothing!"

"Well, " replied William, "that's what I would do if I were amillionaire!"

"WILLIE, " asked a New York teacher of one of her pupils, "how manymake a million?"

"Not many, " said Willie with a grin. 

MINISTERS

_See_ Clergy. 

MISERS

Amos Whittaker, a miserly millionaire, was approached by a friend whoused his most persuasive powers to have him dress more in accordancewith his station in life. 

"I am surprised, Amos, " said the friend "that you should allowyourself to become shabby. "

"But I'm not shabby, " firmly interposed the millionaire miser. 

"Oh, but you are, " returned his old friend. "Remember your father. Hewas always neatly, even elaborately, dressed. His clothes were alwaysfinely tailored and of the best material. "

"Why, " shouted the miser, triumphantly, "these clothes I've got onwere father's!"

MISTAKEN IDENTITY

"No man is as well known as he thinks he is, " said Caruso. "I wasmotoring on Long Island recently. My car broke down, and I entered afarmhouse to get warm. The farmer and I chatted, and when he asked myname I told him modestly that it was Caruso. At that name he threw uphis hands. 

"'Caruso!' he exclaimed. 'Robinson Caruso, the great traveler! Littledid I expect ever to see a man like yer in this here humble kitchen, sir!'"

CUSTOMER (trying on dress suit, jokingly)--"I hope I'll never bemistaken for a waiter. "

TAILOR--"When in doubt, keep your hands in your pockets!"--_Judge_. 

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Hebrew were telling of their strangeexperiences and how they were mistaken for great men. 

"Would you baylave it, " the Irishman said, "I was mistaken forex-President Roosevelt. "

The Englishman turned to his fellow countryman, "That's nothing, " hesaid, "I was once mistaken for President Wilson. "

"Huh?" the Hebrew said. "I vas standing on the street corner the otherday and a cop came along and said to me, 'Holy Moses, are you hereagain?'"

MISTAKES

When a plumber makes a mistake, he charges time for it. 

When a lawyer makes a mistake, it's just what he wanted. 

When a carpenter makes a mistake, it's just what he expected, becausethe chances are ten to one he never learned his business. 

When an electrician makes a mistake, he blames it on induction, because nobody knows what that is. 

When a doctor makes a mistake, he buries it. 

When a judge makes a mistake, it becomes the law of the land. 

When a preacher makes a mistake, nobody knows the difference. 

But a _salesman_--he is different; he has to be careful; he cannotturn his mistakes into profit or blame them on a profession. 

You've got to go some to be a real _salesman_. 

MONEY

 If you save all you earn, you're a miser. If you spend all you earn, you're a fool. If you lose it, you're out. If you find it, you're in. If you owe it, they're always after you. If you lend it, you're always after them. It's the cause of evil. It's the cause of good. It's the cause of happiness. It's the cause of sorrow. If the government makes it, it's all right. If you make it, it's all wrong. As a rule it's hard to get. But it's pretty soft when you get it. It talks! To some it says, "I've come to stay. " To others it whispers, "Good-bye. " Some people get it at a bank. Others go to jail for it. The Mint makes it first. It's up to you to make it last. 

 --_Ben S. Kearns_. 

GIBES--"A man's best friend, they say, is a full pocketbook. "

DIBBS--"An empty one is his most constant friend, because while othersmay grow cold, he will find no change in his purse. "

"I gave that beggar a penny, and he didn't thank me. "

"No. You can't get anything for a penny now. "

TODAY--"What do we care for prices? We've got the money!"

TOMORROW--"What do we care for prices? We haven't any money!"

"You know, " Biggs, the confirmed alarmist, declared impressively, "it's getting so that it is positively dangerous for a man to carryaround a good-sized roll of money. "

"Difficult, rather than dangerous, I find, " Diggs sighed. 

"'S funny. "

"Shoot!"

"Bills are rectangular, and yet they come rolling in!"

 _The Old Silver Dollar_

 How dear to my heart is the mem'ry that lingers Of the days that, alas! we shall never see more, When clutching a large silver coin in my fingers, I hurried along to the grocery store, And there purchased flour and bacon and coffee. And prunes in a package, and apricots canned, Two gallons of coal-oil, a half pound of toffee, And still held some change, when I left, in my hand. 

 The big iron dollar The good, honest dollar, The hundred-cent dollar I clutched in my hand. 

 But now, though accustomed to buying far closer, Whenever in markets or stores I appear To lay in provisions, the butcher or grocer Will glance at my dollar and quietly sneer. 

 At the tail of a line of more affluent buyers Awaiting my turn I must patiently stand, For no one, as far as I gather, desires The pitiful dollar I hold in my hand. 

 The poor little dollar, The cheap, little dollar, The fifty-cent dollar, I hold in my hand!

"The amount of money a fellow's father has doesn't seem to cut muchfigure here. "

"No, it's the amount of the father's money the son has. "

"They say money talks. "

"Well?"

"I wonder how that idea originated?"

"Have you never noticed the lady on the dollar?"

A medical paper advances the theory that "man is slightly taller inthe morning than he is in the evening. " We have never tested this, butwe have certainly noticed a tendency to become "short" toward the endof the month. 

_See also_ Domestic finance. 

MONEY LENDER

A teacher of English in one of our colleges describes a money-lenderas follows:

"He serves you in the present tense, lends in the conditional mood, keeps you in the subjective, and ruins you in the future. "

MORAL EDUCATION

The kindergarten teacher recited to her pupils the story of the wolfand the lamb. As she completed it she said:

"Now, children, you see that the lamb would not have been eaten by thewolf if he had been good and sensible. "

One little boy raised his hand. 

"Well, John, " asked the teacher, "what is it?"

"If the lamb had been good and sensible, " said the little boy, gravely, "we should have had him to eat, wouldn't we?"

MOSQUITOES

"You told me you hadn't any mosquitoes, " said the summer boarder, reproachfully. 

"I hadn't, " replied Farmer Corntossel. "Them you see floatin' aroundcome from Si Perkins's place. They ain't mine. "

Two Irishmen, on a sultry night, took refuge under the bedclothesfrom a party of mosquitoes. At last one of them, gasping from heat, ventured to peep beyond the bulwarks, and espied a fire-fly which hadstrayed into the room. Arousing his companion with a punch, he said:"Furgus! Furgus! it's no use; you might as well come out; here's oneof the craythers searching for us wid a lantern. "

MOTHERS

Answers to the question "what is Mother?" given by supposedlyfeeble-minded school children of New York:

She's what you chop wood for. 

She's what feeds you. 

She's what put clothes and shoes on you. 

She keeps care of you. 

She's who's good to you. 

She's your creator. 

She's what's dead on to me. 

Best composite portrait of a mother ever painted. 

 _Mother_

 She loves me in spite of my faults; She overlooks my mistakes; She rejoices at my success; She weeps over my failure; She urges me on to higher endeavor, And her confidence in my ability Brings out the best that is in me. Her love has been the crowning blessing of my life; Here's to MOTHER. 

 --_Hathaway_. --

 The mother, in her office, holds the key Of the soul; and she it is who stamps the coin Of character, and makes the being who would be a savage, But for her gentle cares, a Christian man, Then crown her Queen o' the world. 

"An ounce of mother, " says the Spanish proverb, "is worth a pound ofclergy. "--_T. W. Higginson_. 

Mother is the name of God in the lips and hearts of littlechildren. --_Thackeray_. 

MOTHERS' DAY

These "days" for doing things that you ought to do any day are gettingso numerous as to lead to curious ethical conflicts. A boy in Sabetha, Kansas, was taken to task for missing Sunday school one Sunday. "Iwanted to come, " he said, "but Sunday was Mothers' Day and motherwanted me to go fishing with her, so I went. "

MOTHERS-IN-LAW

The lady bather had got into a hole and she couldn't swim. Nor couldthe young man on the end of the pier; but when she came up for thefirst time and he caught sight of her face, he could shriek, and hedid. He shrieked:

"Help!"

A burly fisherman sauntered to his side. 

"Wot's up?" he asked. 

"There!" hoarsely cried the young man. "My wife! Drowning! I can'tswim! A hundred dollars for you if you can save her. "

In a moment the burly fisherman was in the sea. In another he wasout of it, with the rescued lady bather. Thanking his lucky stars, heapproached the young man again. 

"Well, what about the hundred bones?" he asked. 

But if the young man's face had been ashen gray before, now it wasdead white, as he gazed upon the features of the recovered dame. 

"Y-e-s, I know!" he gasped. "But when I made the offer I thought itwas my wife who was drowning; and now--now it turns out it was mywife's mother!"

The burly fisherman pulled a long face. "Just my luck!" he muttered, thrusting his hand into his trousers pocket. "How much do I owe you?"

"Is your wife's mother enjoying her trip to the mountains?" "I'mafraid not. She's found something at last that she can't walk over. "

MOVING PICTURES

A recent movie comedy showed on the screen a bevy of shapely girlsdisrobing for a plunge in the "old swimming-pool. " They had just takenoff shoes, hats, coats and were beginning on--a passing freight-traindashed across the screen and obscured the view. When it had passed, the girls were frolicking in the water. 

An old railroader sat through the show again and again. At length anusher tapped him on the shoulder. 

"Aren't you ever going home?" he asked. 

"Oh, I'll wait a while, " was the answer. "One of these times thattrain's going to be late. "

"Didn't anybody criticise you for filming an automobile in ancientBabylon?"

"No. But I had a dozen letters calling my attention to the fact thatthe car showed a California license tag. "

Moving day comes on May 1st, but every day in the year is movie day. 

SLAPSTICK DIRECTOR--"Can't you suggest a novel from which we couldadapt a comedy?"

COMEDIAN--"My memory isn't very accurate, but isn't there a bookcalled 'Alice Threw the Looking-glass'?"

MOVIE OPERATOR--"What shall I do with this film? There is a tear in itthat cuts right through the hero's nose!"

CLEVER MANAGER--"Ha! just the thing! Bill it as a feature in twoparts. "

PROMOTER--"I have here a scheme for revamping old films. "

MANAGER--"Beat it! I'm too busy refilming old vamps. "

An old couple from the country wandered into a moving picture show intown. As they entered a cow-boy picture was being shown. 

The old lady laid a restraining hand on her husband's arm. 

"Bill, " she said, "let's not go too far down in front; the dust thosehorses are kickin' up is somethin' awful. My clothes'll be ruined!"

"Here's another book on _How to Get into the Movies_. "

"Why on earth doesn't somebody write a book on how to get a seat afteryou do get in?"

Mr. And Mrs. Todd were debating whether the movie they had just seenwas a new or old production. 

"The leading woman wore two or three gowns that are very much invogue, " Mrs. Todd reminded her husband. 

He remained firm, however. 

"There wasn't any excitement when the cocktails were served, " he said. 

"I can, " said the bashful young man to the director of the filmcompany, "swim, dive, run an auto, fly an aeroplane, fence, box, shoot, ride a horse, run a motor-boat, play golf, fight, make love, fall off cliffs, rescue heroines, play football, die naturally, andkiss a girl. "

"But, " interrupted the famous director, "can you _act_?"

"Alas!" muttered the would-be screen hero, "I never thought of_that_. "

"Engaged, " growled the director, and another screen star wasborn. --_Life_. 

_See also_ Actors and actresses; Advertising; Signs. 

MULES

"Is you gwine ter let dat mewel do as he pleases?" asked UncleEphraim's wife. 

"Wha's you will-power?"

"My will-power's all right" he answered "You jes' want ter come outhyar an' measure dis mewel's won't power. "

Somewhere in France a tall negro dough-boy was trying to pull to hisfeet a mule who persisted obstinately in sitting down. The darkeytugged and strained but the mule remained obdurate. Finally the mandesisted and glaring at the mule, remarked "As you were, mule, as youwere. "

"What's become of your chauffeur?"

"Oh, he was with the regiment down in Texas and crawled under an armymule to see why it wouldn't go. "

"Some men, " said Uncle Eben, "put in der lives kickin' at nothin'. Bar's dis much to be said foh de mule. If he's interested enough tokick, he's willin' to go to de trouble of takin' aim. "

"_Love's Labor Lost_"

Luke had been sent to the store with the mule and wagon. What happenedis told in Luke's end of the conversation over the telephone from thestore. 

"Gimme seb'n-'leben. 

"Gimme dat number quick, please 'm. 

"Dis yer's Luke, suh. 

"Dis yer's Luke, I say, suh. 

"I tuk de wagon to de sto' fo dat truck. 

"Yas, suh, I'm at de sto'. 

"Dat mule, she balk, suh. 

"She's balkin' in de big road, near de sto'. 

"No, suh, she ain' move. 

"No, suh, I don' think she's gwine move. 

"Yas, suh, I beat 'er. 

"I did beat 'er good. 

"She's jes' r'ar a li'l bit, suh. 

"Yas, suh, she kick, too. 

"She jes' bus' de whiffletree li'l bit, suh. 

"No, suh, dat mule won't lead. 

"Yas, suh, I tried it. 

"No, suh, jes' bit _at_ me. 

"No, suh, I ain't tickle de laigs. 

"I tickle um las' year, suh, once. 

"Yas, suh, we twis' 'er tail. 

"No, suh, I ain' done it. 

"Who done it?

"I t'ink he's li'l travelin' man f'um Boston, suh. He twis' 'er tail. 

_"Yas, suh! She sho' did!_

"Right spang in de face, suh. 

"Dey's got 'im at de sto'. 

"Dey say he's comin' to, suh. 

"I don' know--he do look mighty sleepy to me, suh. 

"Yas, suh, we tried dat. 

"Yas, suh, we built a fire under 'er. 

"No, suh, dat ain' make 'er go. 

"She jes' move up li'l bit, suh. 

"Yas, suh, de wagon bu'n right up. Dat's whut I'm telephonin' yu'bout--to ast yu please sen' a wagon to hitch up to dis yer mule. Sheain' gwine budge lessen she's hitched up. Good-by, suh. "

Ephum Johnson was up before Judge Shimmerplate on a cruelty to animalscharge. 

"Deed Ah wasn't abusing dat mule, judge, " the old man demurred. 

"Did you not strike it repeatedly with a club?"

"Yassah. "

"And do you not know that you can accomplish more with animals byspeaking to them?"

"Yassah; but this critter am different. He am so deef he can't hearme when Ah speaks to him in de usual way, so Ah has to communicate widhim in de sign language. "

 On mules we find two legs behind And two we find before; We stand behind before we find What the two behind stand for!

A teacher was instructing a class in English and called on a small boynamed Jimmy Brown. 

"James, " she said, "write on the board, 'Richard can ride the mule ifhe wants to. '"

"Now, " continued the teacher when Jimmy had finished writing, "can youfind a better form for that sentence?"

"Yes, ma'am, I think I can, " was the prompt answer. "'Richard can ridethe mule if the mule wants him to. '"

A mule-skinner in France was trying to drive a mule, with a wagonload, through a hospital gate. The mule would do anything but passthrough the gate. 

"Want any 'elp, chum?" shouted one of the hospital orderlies. 

"No, " replied the driver; "but I'd like to know how Noah got two ofthese blighters into the Ark!"

"Why don't you get rid of that mule?" asked one Virginia darky ofanother. 

"Well, yo' see, Jim, " replied the other, "I hates to give in. Ef I wasto trade dat mule off he'd regard it as a pussunal victory. He's beentryin' fo' de last six weeks to get rid of me. "

MUSHROOMS

Johnny Jones, you know, was studying botany, and he declared that hehad an infallible way to tell the difference between mushrooms andtoadstools. 

"When you git vi'lent spasms, " said little Johnny, "with cramps, swelling of the feet and partial loss of vision ending in insanity anddeath--then it ain't mushrooms. "

MUSIC

HE--"Most girls, I have found, don't appreciate real music. "

SECOND HE--"Why do you say that?"

HE--"Well, you may pick beautiful strains on a mandolin for an hour, and she won't even look out of the window, but just one honk of a hornand--out she comes!"

Music is the language of the soul; jazz is its profanity. 

"How do you sell your music?"

"We sell piano music by the pound and organ music by the choir. "

"Samantha, what's thet chune the orchestry's a-playin' now?"

"The program says its 'Choppin', Hiram. "

"Waal--mebbe--but ter me it sounds a deal more like sawin'. "

While Chopin probably did not time his "Minute Waltz" to exactlysixty seconds, some auditors insist that it lives up to its name. Mme. Theodora Surkow-Ryder on one of her tours played the "Minute Waltz"as an encore, first telling her audience what it was. Thereupon a hugeman in a large riding suit took out an immense silver watch, held itopen almost under her nose, and gravely proceeded to time her. Thepianist's fingers flew along the keys, and her anxiety was rewardedwhen the man closed the watch with a loud slap and said in a boomingvoice: "Gosh! She's done it. "

MRS. NEWRICHE--"I believe our next-door neighbors on the right are aspoor as church mice, Hiram. "

MR. NEWRICHE--"What makes you think so?"

MRS. NEWRICHE--"Why, they can't afford one of them mechanicalpiano-players; the daughter is taking lessons by hand. "--_Puck_. 

MUSICIANS

"Excuse me, " said the detective as he presented himself at the doorof the music academy, "but I hope you'll give me what information youhave, and not make any fuss. "

"What do you mean?" was the indignant inquiry. 

"Why, you see, we got a tip from the house next door that somebodywas murdering Wagner, and the chief sent me down here to work on thecase. "

Pianist Rachmaninoff told in his New York flat the other day a storyabout his boyhood. 

"When I was a very little fellow, " he said, "I played at a receptionat a Russian count's, and, for an urchin of seven, I flattermyself that I swung through Beethoven's 'Kreutzer Sonata' prettysuccessfully. 

"The 'Kreutzer, ' you know, has in it several long and impressiverests. Well, in one of these rests the count's wife, a motherly oldlady, leaned forward, patted me on the shoulder, and said:

"'Play us something you know, dear. '"

There was nobody who could play the violin like Smifkins--at least sohe thought--and he was delighted when he was asked to play at a localfunction. 

"Sir, " he said to the host, "the instrument I shall use at yourgathering is over two hundred years old. "

"Oh, that's all right! Never mind, " returned the host; "no one willever know the difference. "

MUSICAL STUDENT--"That piece you just played is by Mozart, isn't it?"

HURDY-GURDY MAN--"No, by Handel. "

When Paderewski was on his last visit to America he was in a Bostonsuburb, when he was approached by a bootblack who called:

"Shine?"

The great pianist looked down at the youth whose face was streakedwith grime and said:

"No, my lad, but if you will wash your face I will give you aquarter. "

"All right!" exclaimed the youth, who forthwith ran to a neighboringtrough and made his ablutions. 

When he returned Paderewski held out the quarter, which the boy tookbut immediately handed back, saying:

"Here, Mister, you take it yourself and get your hair cut. "

NAMES, PERSONAL

"Why do you call the baby Bill?"

"He was born on the first of the month. "

In an Ohio town is a colored man whose last name is Washington. 

Heaven has blest him with three sons. 

When the first son arrived the father named him George Washington. In due time the second son came. Naturally he was christened BookerWashington. When the third man child was born his parent was at aloss, at first, for a name for him. Finally tho, he hit on a suitableselection. 

The third son, if he lives, will go through life as SpokaneWashington. 

Aunt Lindy had brought around her three grandchildren for her mistressto see. The three little darkies, in calico smocks, stood squirming inline while Lindy proudly surveyed them. 

"What are their names, Lindy?" her mistress asked. 

"Dey's name' after flowers, ma'am. Ah name' 'em. De bigges' one'sname' Gladiola. De nex' one, she name' Heliotrope. "

"Those are very pretty, " her mistress said. "What is the littlest onenamed?"

"She name' Artuhficial, ma'am. "

William Williams hated nicknames. He used to say that most fine givennames were ruined by abbreviations, which was a sin and a shame. "Imyself, " he said, "am one of six brothers. We were all given good, old-fashioned Christian names, but all those names were shortened intomeaningless or feeble monosyllables by our friends. I shall name mychildren so that it will be impracticable to curtail their names. "

The Williams family, in the course of time, was blessed with fivechildren, all boys. The eldest was named after the father--William. Of course, that would be shortened to "Will" or enfeebled to"Willie"--but wait! A second son came and was christened Willard. "Aha!" chuckled Mr. Williams. "Now everybody will have to speak thefull names of each of these boys in order to distinguish them. "

In pursuance of this scheme the next three sons were named Wilbert, Wilfred, and Wilmont. 

They are all big boys now. And they are respectively known to theirintimates as Bill, Skinny, Butch, Chuck, and Kid. 

Aunt Liza's former mistress was talking to her one morning, whensuddenly she discovered a little pickaninny standing shyly behind hismother's skirts. "Is this your little boy, Aunt Liza?" she asked. 

"Yes, miss; dat's Prescription. "

"Goodness, what a funny name, auntie, for a child! How in the worlddid you happen to call him that?"

"Ah simply calls him dat becuz Ah has sech hahd wuk gettin' himfilled. "

BREATHLESS VISITOR--"Doctor, can you help me? My name is Jones--"

DOCTOR--"No, I'm sorry; I simply can't do anything for that. "

A chauffeur had applied for a position with a new-rich familywhich aspired to be considered "top-notch" socially, and was beinginterviewed by the mistress of the house. 

"We call all our servants by their last names, " she announced. "Whatis your last name?"

"You had best call me Thomas, ma'am, " replied the applicant. 

"No, we insist that you be willing to be called by your last name. Otherwise you won't do at all. "

"Oh, I'm willing, ma'am, but I don't think the family would like touse it. "

"What is your last name then?" said his prospective employer, somewhatcoldly and as though she expected a revelation of internationalscandal. 

"Darling, ma'am--Thomas Darling. "

A little colored girl, a newcomer in Sunday-school, gave her nameto the teacher as "Fertilizer Johnson. " Later the teacher asked thechild's mother if that was right. 

"Yes, ma'am, dat's her name, " said the fond parent. "You see, she wasnamed fer me and her father. Her father's name am Ferdinand and myname is Liza. So we named her Fertilizer. "

LITTLE JOHNNY--"Dad, there's a girl at our school whom we callPostscript. "

DAD--"Postscript? What do you call her Postscript for?"

LITTLE JOHNNY--"Cos her name is Adeline Moore. "

GRIGGS--"When I don't catch the name of the person I've beenintroduced to, I ask if it's spelled with an 'e' or an 'i. ' Itgenerally works, too. "

BRIGGS--"I used to try that dodge myself until I was introduced to ayoung lady at a party. When I put the question about the 'e' or 'i, 'she flushed angrily and wouldn't speak to me the whole evening. "

"What was her name?"

"I found out later it was--Hill. "

FIRST LITTLE GIRL--"What's your last name, Annie?"

SECOND LITTLE GIRL--"Don't know yet; I ain't married. "

"Spell your name!" said the court clerk sharply. The witness began: "Odouble T, I, double U, E, double L, double--"

"Begin again! begin again!" ordered the clerk. 

The witness repeated: "O, double T, I, double U, E, double L, doubleU, double O--"

"Your honor, " roared the clerk, "I beg that this man be committed forcontempt of court!"

"What is your name?" asked the judge. 

"My name, your honor, is Ottiwell Wood, and I spell it O, double T, I, double U, E, double L, double U, double O, D. "--_Literary Digest_. 

"Is Mr. Smith in the audience?" broke forth the presiding officer. "Iam informed that his house is afire. "

Forty men sprang to their feet. 

"It is the house of Mr. John Smith, " added the chairman. 

"Thank goodness!" fervently exclaimed one man, resuming hisseat. --_Everybody's_. 

NATIONALITY

"But are you an American citizen?" angrily demanded the official atthe passport office. 

"My mother was American"--began the applicant. 

"Yes, yes"--

"But she married a Frenchman"--

"Yes. "

"In Italy. "

"Yes; but where were you born?"

"I was born on a ship flying Spanish colors while she was lying atanchor in Honolulu Harbor, but my parents died in Brazil when I wasonly four years old and I was adopted by a Chinaman, who brought me upin Russia"--

"Well, he's"--began an official. 

"He's a bloomin' League of Nations!" exploded the official who hadfirst spoken. 

NATURAL LAWS

CHARLIE--"What you say just goes in one ear and out the other. "

JOHNNY--"Impossible!"

"Why?"

"Sound can't cross a vacuum, you know, old fellow. "

"Say, dad, what keeps us from falling off the earth when we are upsidedown?"

"Why, the law of gravity, of course. "

"Well, how did folks stay on before the law was passed?"

NEGROES

Miss Annette Benton, on returning from a visit, brought a gift to eachof her mother's colored servants. It was the "day out" for Lily, thehousemaid, so Annette distributed her gifts, reserving for Lily ascarlet-silk blouse. 

"That won't do, " said Mrs. Benton. "Lily's in mourning. "

"Mourning?"

"Yes, for her husband; he died in jail, and Lily's wearing a longcrape veil. "

When Lily returned, her young mistress expressed regret. "I'll givethe blouse to Lizzie, " she said, "and get you something else. "

Lily looked at the blouse, then she swallowed. "Don't you give thatblouse to no Lizzie, Miss Annette, cos nex' mont' I'se gwine outamournin' from the waist up. "--_Harper's_. 

"G'wan, nigger, you-all ain't got no sense nohow. "

"Ain't got no sense? Whut's dis yere haid for?"

"Dat thing? Dat ain't no haid, nigger; dat's jes er button on top eryo body ter keep yer backbone from unravelin'. "

OLD DARKY (to shiftless son)--"I hearn tell you is married. Is you?"

SON (ingratiatingly)--"I ain't sayin' I ain't. "

OLD DARKY (severely)--"I ain't ask you is you ain't; I ask you ain'tyou is. "

PARSON BLACK (sternly)--"Did you come by dat watehmelyun honestly, Bruddeh Bingy?"

THE MELON TOTER--"'Deed I did, pahson; ebry day fo' nigh on twoweeks!"--_Puck_. 

A Minneapolis laundress, a negro woman, patriotic supporter of the RedCross, was among the thousands who witnessed a recent Red Crossparade in the Mill City in which fifteen thousand white-clad womenparticipated. In telling a Red Cross worker how she liked it, shesaid:

"Lawdy, missus, it suttinly was a gran' spectacle. Nevah in mah wholelife did I see so much washin' at one time. "

"Why is it, Sam, that one never hears of a darky committing suicide?"inquired the Northerner. 

"Well, you see, it's disaway, boss: When a white pusson has anytrouble he sets down an' gits to studyin' 'bout it an' a-worryin'. Then firs' thing you know he's done killed hisse'f. But when a niggersets down to think 'bout his troubles, why, he jes' natcherly goes tosleep!"--_Life_. 

"No, sah, " said the aged colored man to the reporter who'd asked ifhe had ever seen President Lincoln. "Ah used to 'member seein' MassaLinkum, but since Ah j'ined de church Ah doan 'member seein' him nomo'. "

A Psychiatric Board was testing the mentality of a thick-lipped, weak-faced Negro soldier. Among other questions, the specialist asked, "Do you ever hear voices without being able to tell who is speaking, or where the sound comes from?"

"Yes, suh, " answered the negro. 

"When does this occur?"

"When I'se talkin' over de telephone. "

An Alabama darky, who prided himself on being able to play any tune onthe banjo after he had heard it once, perched himself on the side ofa hill one Sunday morning and began to pick the strings in aworkman-like manner. 

It chanced that the minister came along. Going up to Moses, hedemanded harshly, "Moses, do you know the Ten Commandments?"

Moses scratched his chin for a moment, and then, in an equally harshvoice, said:

"Parson, yo' don't think yo' kin beat me do yo'? Jest yo' whistle thefirst three or four bars, an' I'll have a try at it. "--_Harper's_. 

One day Miss Maria Thompson Daviess, the author, walked down a streetin Nashville. The street was crowded with Negroes, who were forming ina line for a parade. 

"What's the occasion for the parade, Tom?" she asked of a boy. 

The boy looked at her with a grin. 

"La, Miss Daviess, " he replied, "don' you-all know colored folks well'nough to know dat dey don' need no 'casion foh a p'rade?"

An old doctor was making a call on a colored family. While talking tothe patient he was continually interrupted by a crying baby, which saton the floor and grumbled and whined continually. Finally, the motherpicked the child up. 

"Auntie, " said the doctor, "your baby seems badly spoiled. "

"No, suh! No, suh!" remonstrated the mother. "All little cullud babiessmell dat way!"

_See also_ Chicken stealing. 

NEIGHBORS

"But I don't know you, madam, " the bank cashier said to the woman whohad presented a check. 

The woman, however, instead of saying haughtily, "I do not wish youracquaintance, sir, " merely replied, with an engaging smile:

"Oh, yes, you do, I think. I'm the 'red-headed old virago' next doorto you, whose scoundrelly little boys are always reaching through thefence and picking your flowers. When you started for town this morningyour wife said: 'Now, Henry, if you want a dinner fit to eat thisevening you'll have to leave me a little money. I can't keep thishouse on plain water and sixpence a day. '"

Christianity teaches us to love our neighbor as ourself; modernsociety acknowledges no neighbor. --_Beaconsfield_. 

"I'm quite a near neighbor of yours now, " said Mr. Bore. 

"I'm living just across the river. "

"Indeed, " replied Miss Smart. "I hope you'll drop in some day. "

NEW JERSEY

Misunderstandings with New Jersey people are sure to result ifvisitors mistake chicken wire for mosquito netting. 

NEW YORK CITY

Mr. Edmund Hornung was in New York several days over Sunday. 

That's where they travel fast, I'm telling you. 

SILAS (in a whisper)--"Did you git a peep at the underworld at allwhile you wuz in New York, Ezry?"

EZRA--"Three times! Subway twice an' ratscellar once. "

"I see New York did considerable begging for one of those reservebanks. "

"What of it?"

"Oh, nothing, New York used to dictate. "

CUBIST TEACHER--"Can anyone give an impressionistic definition of NewYork?"

BRIGHT PUPIL--"A small body of limousines almost entirely surroundedby Fords. "

FIRST SOUTHERNER--"Were you in New York long enough to feel at home?"

SECOND SOUTHERNER--"Yes, sir; why, I got so I could keep my seat inthe cars with a lady standing and not even think about it. "

An Ohio newspaper editor spent a few days in New York, and while theresomebody asked him how he liked the big town. 

"I care for it very little, " replied the editor. "Did you ever thinkof this: Suppose you lived in New York and wanted to go fishing. Wherewould you go to dig a can of worms?"

"I hear you want a room clerk. "

"No, we never have any rooms. What we want is a clerk who can satisfypeople in assigning them to billiard tables, telephone booths and cotsin the halls. "

 The surging crowd along Broadway Was stirred so strangely yesterday. It stood on tiptoe, eyes aglow, It stared, and turned to whisper low Of wonders such as seldom pass That way. What swayed the living mass? What marvel from the fabled isles That drew the eye from Paris styles? A street car left the track perhaps? Two bootblacks nabbed for shooting craps? A fire to call the engines out? A skidding auto turned about? A homebrew Bacchus' raisin dance? At these perhaps the crowd would glance But never act like this at all. Amazed, I asked a copper tall And broad, and heard at last; A horse and buggy just went past. 

 --_Roland D. Johnson_. 

An English novelist took his first look at Broadway aflame withlight. He read the flashing and leaping signs and said: "How much morewonderful it would be for a man who couldn't read. "

UNCLE EZRA--"Eph Hoskins must have had some time down in New York. "

UNCLE EBEN--"Yep. Reckon he traveled a mighty swift pace. Eph's wifesaid that when Eph got back and went into his room he looked at thebed, kicked it, and said, 'What's that darn thing for?"--_Judge_. 

After Mark Twain had been in New York for five years, he wrote to hisfolks back home that he was the loneliest man in the world!

"What!" exclaimed his people, "in New York _and lonely_!"

"Yes, " wrote Mark; "I'm the only man in this town that doesn't touch adrop. "

TEACHER--"Do you know the population of New York?"

MAMIE BACKROW--"Not all of them, ma'am, but then, we've only livedhere two years. "--_Puck_. 

NEWSBOYS

NEWSBOY--"Great mystery! Fifty victims! Paper, mister?"

PASSER-BY--"Here, boy, I'll take one. " (After reading a moment. ) "Say, boy, there's nothing of the kind in this paper. Where is it?"

NEWSBOY--"That's the mystery, guvnor. You're the fifty-first victim. "

NEWSPAPERS

APPLICANT--"I'm ready to begin at the bottom, sir. "

NEWSPAPER PROPRIETOR--"Well, what's your idea?"

"To start first with the leading editorials and gradually work myselfup to the sporting page. "

"Never state as a fact anything you are not certain about, " the greateditor warned the new reporter, "or you will get us into libelsuits. In such cases use the words, 'alleged, ' 'claimed, ' 'reputed, ''rumored, ' and so on. "

And then this paragraph appeared in the society notes of the paper:

"It is rumored that a card party was given yesterday by a number ofreputed ladies. Mrs. Smith, gossip says, was hostess. It is allegedthat the guests with the exception of Mrs. Bellinger, who says shehails from Leavitt's Junction, were all from here. Mrs. Smith claimsto be the wife of Archibald Smith, the so-called 'Honest Man' tradingon Key Street. "

And when the editor had read the report a whirling mass claiming tobe the reporter was projected through the window and struck the streetwith a dull thud. 

REPORTER--"Madam, you may recollect that we printed yesterdayyour denial of having retracted the contradiction of your originalstatement. Would you care to have us say that you were misquoted inregard to it. "--_Life_. 

As any reporter will tell you, the only place in a newspaper officewhere real toil is done is the city room. Imagine our pleasure whenwe overheard one of the office boys saying: "When I first came here Ithought it was called the 'sitting room. ' I said something about thesitting room one day to the city editor, and I thought he was going tothrow me down the elevator shaft. "

"Can you make anything out of the news from Europe?"

"Easiest thing in the world. I only read the newspapers every otherday. In this way I get a connected story of our side or the other andavoid the denials. "--_Puck_. 

ENGLISH NEWSIE (selling extras)--"Better 'ave one and read about itnow, sir; it might be contradicted in the morning. "--_Punch_. 

The reporter was sent to write up a charity ball. His copy came inlate and it was careless. The editor reproved him the next day byquoting an extract:

"Look here, Scribbler, what do you mean by this, 'Among the mostbeautiful girls was Alderman Horatio Dingley'? Old Dingley ain't agirl, you idiot! He's one of our principal shareholders. "

"I can't help that, " returned the realistic reporter, "that's where hewas. "

 When Earth's last paper is finished and the type is scrambled and pied, When the roar of the press becomes fainter and sheets are folded and dried; We shall rest, and Faith, we shall need it, for the way has been weary and long, And oft have we heard that chestnut, "Young man, you have quoted me wrong. "

The cub reporter was grinding out a marriage notice. Finally hebrought it up and laid it on the city editor's desk:

"Mr. And Mrs. Blank announce today the marriage of their daughter totake place next Monday--"

"Huh, " grunted the editor, "you can't say they announced a marriageyet to take place. "

Again the cub jabbed away at his typewriter. And when he brought itback this time it read:

"Mr. And Mrs. Blank predicted today the marriage of their daughter. "

"How many revolutions does the earth make in a day? It's your turn, Willie Smith. "

"You can't tell, teacher, till you see the morning paper. "

_See also_ Editors. 

"NO"

No is one of the smallest words in the English language, and yet--

It has brought about more heartaches than the war. 

It has caused more children to shed tears than all the spankings inthe world put together. 

It has saved more money for individuals with backbone than a year'soutput of padlocks. 

It has made itself Prohibition's greatest aid. 

It has killed genius and thwarted ambition. It has turned love intohate and success into failure. 

It has kept kings off thrones and poets out of Arcadia. 

It has caused good men to tremble and scoundrels to rejoice. 

Will it ever make a change for the better?

No. 

NOTHING

 Mysterious Nothing! how shall I define Thy shapeless, baseless, placeless emptiness? Nor form, nor colour, sound, nor size is thine, Nor words nor fingers can thy voice express; But though we cannot thee to aught compare, A thousand things to thee may likened be, And though thou art with nobody nowhere, Yet half mankind devote themselves to thee. How many books thy history contain; How many heads thy mighty plans pursue; What labouring hands thy portion only gain; What busy bodies thy doings only do! To thee the great, the proud, the giddy bend, And--like my sonnet--all in nothing end. 

 --_Richard Parson_. 

NURSES

FREDDIE--"Are you the trained nurse mama said was coming?"

NURSE--"Yes, dear; I'm the trained nurse. "

FREDDIE--"Let's see some of your tricks, then!"

OBEDIENCE

A certain woman demands instant and unquestioning obedience from herchildren. One afternoon a storm came up and she sent her little sonJohn to close the trap leading to the flat roof of the house. 

"But mother, " began John. 

"John, I told you to shut the trap. "

"Yes, but mother--"

"John, shut that trap. "

"All right, mother, if you say so--but--"

"John!"

Whereupon John slowly climbed the stairs and shut the trap. Two hourslater the family gathered for dinner, but Aunt Mary, who was stayingwith the mother, did not appear. The mother, quite anxious, exclaimed, "Where can Aunt Mary be?"

"I know, " John answered triumphantly, "she is on the roof. "

OBESITY

_See_ Corpulence. 

OBITUARIES

Upon the recent death in a Western town of a politician, who, at onetime, served his country in a very high legislative place, a number ofnewspaper men were collaborating on an obituary notice. 

"What shall we say of the former Senator?" asked one of the men. 

"Oh, just put down that he was always faithful to his trust. "

"And, " queried a cynical member of the group, "shall we mention thename of the trust?"--_Puck_. 

_See also_ Epitaphs. 

OCCUPATIONS

PAPA--"But hasn't your fiancé got a job?"

DAUGHTER--"Not yet, but he's going to get one at $25, 000 a year. "

PAPA--"Indeed! Glad to hear of it! What is he doing?"

DAUGHTER--"Well, he read in the paper of some man who is paid $50, 000a year by the Bankers' Association not to forge checks, and George isgoing to do it for half that. "

THE COP--"The driver of a hearse asked me just now which was the wayto the cemetery, and I told him. "

THE CAPTAIN--"Don't do it again. You're being paid as a policeman, notas a funeral director. "

"What are you going to make of your son Charley?" I asked. 

"Well, " replied Charley's father, "I made a doctor of Bob, a lawyer ofRalph, and a minister of Bert; and Joe is a literary man. I think I'llmake a laboring man of Charley. I want one of them to have a littlemoney. "--_Life_. 

 _The Other Fellow's Job_

 I seldom quarrel with the universe; Things could be better, could be better far. But, on the other hand, they could be worse-- And so I rather leave them as they are. 

 But one thing though, could easily be done: If Bill could only make a trade with Bob The world would be so glad--if everyone Could only have the other fellow's job!

 The other fellow surely has a snap! If at a desk he works, he needn't roam, He needn't wander up and down the map-- He knows the joy and comfort of a home. 

 Or if the other fellow something sells Upon the road, a lucky man is he-- To see the country, live at good hotels, And have a job with some variety. 

 The other fellow!--luckiest of men!-- Here's where creation surely made a slip: The fellow on the road should push a pen, The fellow at a desk should tote a grip. 

 We never shall be happy, truly glad, We never shall be really comforted, Until we trade the job we've always had And get the other fellow's job instead. 

 I see no other way to do--unless We might do this: Forget a little while The easy jobs that other men possess, Get busy with your own, and with a smile. 

 For after all, they're not so different: Each has its time of laughter and of sob, But each the joy of service. Be content-- Your job's as good as any fellow's job. 

MISTRESS (to butler)--"Why is it, John, every time I come home I findyou sleeping?"

"Well, ma'am, it's this way: I don't like to be a-doing _nothing_. "

LAZY MIKE--"I have a new position with the railroad company. "

WEARY RHODES--"What ja gona do?"

LAZY MIKE--"You know the fellow that goes alongside the train and tapsthe axles to see if everything's all right? Well, I help him listen. "

OCEAN TRAVEL

"Terribly rough, isn't it?" said the stranger on the ocean liner. 

"Wal, " replied the man from the farm, "'twouldn't be so rough if thecap'n would only keep in the furrows!"

The storm was increasing in violence and some of the deck fittingshad already been swept overboard when the captain decided to send up asignal of distress. But hardly had the rocket burst over the ship whena solemn-faced passenger stepped on to the bridge. "Captain, " he said, "I'd be the last man on earth to cast a damper on any man, but itseems to me that this is no time for letting off fireworks. "

PASSENGER (after first night on board ship)--"I say, where have all myclothes vanished to?"

STEWARD--"Where did you put them last night?"

PASSENGER--"I folded them up carefully and put them in that cupboardover there. "

STEWARD--"I see no cupboard, sir. "

PASSENGER--"Are you blind, man? I mean that one with the round glassdoor to it. "

STEWARD--"Lor' bless me, sir; that ain't no cupboard. That's theporthole. "

OFFICE BOYS

Boss--"Can't you find something to do?"

OFFICE BOY--"Gee whiz: Am I expected to do the work and find it, too?"

A certain prominent lawyer of Toronto is in the habit of lecturing hisoffice staff from the junior partner down, and Tommy, the office boy, comes in for his full share of the admonition. That his words wereappreciated was made evident to the lawyer by a conversation betweenTommy and another office boy on the same floor, which he recentlyoverheard. 

"Wotcher wages?" asked the other boy. 

"Ten thousand a year, " replied Tommy. 

"Aw, g'wan!"

"Sure, " insisted Tommy, unabashed. "Four dollars a week in cash an' derest in legal advice. "

"I can't keep the visitors from coming up, " said the office boy, dejectedly, to the president. "When I say you're out they simply saythey must see you. "

"Well, " said the president, "just tell them that's what they all say. "

That afternoon there called at the office a young lady. The boyassured her it was impossible to see the president. 

"But I'm his wife, " said the lady. 

"Oh, that's what they all say, " said the boy. 

Into the office of a business man rushed a bright faced lad. For threeminutes he waited and then began, to show signs of impatience. 

"Excuse me, sir, " he said at length, "I'm in a hurry. "

"Well, what do you want?" asked the business man. 

"A job!"

"But why the hurry?"

"Got to hurry, " replied the lad briefly. "Left school yesterday, andhaven't struck anything suitable yet. The only place where I can staylong is where they pay me for it. "

"How much do you want?"

"Fifteen dollars a week for a start. "

"And when can you come?"

"Don't need to come; I'm here. I could have been at work five minutesago if you'd only said so. "

BOSS (to new boy)--"You're the slowest youngster we've ever had. Aren't you quick at anything?"

BOY--"Yes, sir; nobody can get tired as quickly as I can. "

A small boy went into a business office that displayed a sign, "BoyWanted. "

"What kind of a boy does youse want?" he asked of the manager. 

"Why, a decent boy, " said the manager. "One who is quick, doesn'tswear, smoke cigarettes, whistle round the office, shoot craps--"

"Aw, gee, boss, " interrupted the boy, "youse don't want a boy; yousewants a girl. "

"How does your boy Josh like his job in the city?"

"First-rate, " replied the father. "He knows more about the businessthan the man that owns it. "

"Who told you that?"

"Josh did. All he's got to do now is to convince the boss of it, an'git promoted. "

"Why, look here, " said the merchant who was in need of a boy, "aren'tyou the same boy who was in here a week ago?"

"Yes, sir, " said the applicant. 

"I thought so. And didn't I tell you then that I wanted an older boy?"

"Yes, sir. That's why I'm back. I'm older now. "

OFFICE-SEEKERS

Mayor Mitchel of New York was talking at a dinner aboutoffice-seekers. 

"A good man had just died, " he said, "and with unseemly haste anoffice-seeker came after his job. 

"Yes, sir, tho the dead man hadn't been buried, yet this office-seekercame to me and said, breathlessly:

"'Mr. Mayor, do you see any objection to my being put in poor TomSmith's place?'

"'Why, no, ' said I. 'Why, no, I see no objection, if the undertakerdoesn't. '"

No matter how hard a man runs for office he is perfectly satisfied towin in a walk. 

There is seldom a collision between the office seeking the man and theman seeking the office. 

"There goes a fellow who chased around for years trying to land apolitical job. "

"Well, what does he do now?"

"Nothing--he's got the job. "

Uncle Mose aspired to the elective office of justice of the peace inthe "black bottom" part of town. One bar there was to his preferment:he could neither read nor write. His master advised him to go to thecommissioner of elections and ask whether he was eligible. Mose wentand returned. 

"What did he tell you, Mose?" inquired the master. 

"It's all right, sah, " answered Mose; "dat gen'lemun suttinly waskind, yas, suh. He tole me Ah was illegible fo' dat office. "

OFFICERS

OFFICER--"I ketched this here mut pinchin' bananas off a fruit-stand. "

MAGISTRATE--"Aha! 'personating an officer! Two years. "--_Life_. 

COMMANDER--"What's his character apart from this leave-breaking?"

PETTY OFFICER--"Well, sir, this man 'e goes ashore when 'e likes; 'ecomes off when 'e likes; 'e uses 'orrible language when 'e'sspoken to; in fact, from 'is general be'avior, 'e might be aorficer!"--_Punch_. 

PROFESSOR--"What! Forgotten your pencil again, Jones! What would youthink of a soldier without a gun?"

JONES (an ex-service man)--"I'd think he was an officer. "

OLD AGE

_See_ Age. 

OLD CLOTHES

_See_ Clothing. 

OPPORTUNITY

"But didn't Opportunity ever knock at your door?"

"Probably. "

"And you didn't answer it?"

"I? Of course not. What do you think the servants are for?"

Lazyman, Contentedman, and Busyman lived together in the same house. One day, when only Lazyman and Contentedman were at home, Opportunityknocked. 

As Lazyman made not the slightest move to go to the door, Contentedmanwent and opened it. 

"I am Opportunity, " said the visitor, "and I have something verywonderful for you. "

Lazyman yawned and said nothing. 

Contentedman courteously explained that he was not interested, for thevery good reason that he had everything he wanted. 

"I believe Busyman also lives here, " said Opportunity. "Where is he? Iknow he would be glad to see me. "

"Indeed he would, but he's out. He's always busy running around. You're not the first Opportunity that he's missed. Opportunities havebeen knocking here regularly for years, but he's never at home. I tellhim it doesn't pay to be so busy. "

Opportunity walked away with dejected mien. --_Life_. 

 How oft the sight of means to do ill deeds, Makes ill deeds done!

 --_Shakespeare_. 

OPTIMISM

A part of what we might term the optimist's philosophy is--If youcan mend a situation mend it; if you can't mend it forget it. --_RalphWaldo Trine_. 

If your confidence needs buttressing, just stop for a moment andconsider that this old world in which we have found such happiness hasthroughout the past ages been visited by every catastrophe of whichthe human mind can conceive, and from each of these dark periods ithas emerged always and eternally a progressive world. 

Finally, I say, cheer up. Let's look on the bright side rather thanthe dark side, and above all let us understand that there are noinsurmountable obstacles standing in the path of our progress, that weare competent to solve the things that confront us, that they willbe solved, and that humankind will be benefited by the virtue ofour assuming an optimism in which we are fully justified. --_Lewis L. Clark_. 

LANDLADY--"Just when are you going to pay your arrears of room rent?"

HARD-UP AUTHOR--"As soon as I receive the check which the publisherwill send me if he accepts the novel I am about to commence when Ihave found a suitable subject and the necessary inspiration. "

An optimist is anybody who thinks he can write a new humorousdefinition of an optimist or a pessimist. A pessimist is the sameperson after he has made a serious attempt to do so. 

An optimist looks at an oyster and expects a pearl. A pessimist looksat an oyster and expects ptomaine poisoning. 

THE OPTIMIST (who has just been struck by a passing motor-car)--"Glorybe! If this isn't a piece o' luck! Sure, 'tis the docther himselfthat's in ut. "--_Punch_. 

"What's an optimist?"

"An optimist is a person who'll go into a restaurant without a cent inhis pocket and figure on paying for the meal with the pearl he hopesto find in the oyster. "

"An optimist is a man who cherishes vain hopes, and a pessimist a manwho nurses vain regrets. "

"And what is a man who does both?"

"Oh, he's just a plain ordinary human. "

ORIGINALITY

A certain little girl was discovered by her mother engaged in aspirited encounter with a small friend who had got considerablyworsted in the engagement. 

"Don't you know, dear, " said the mother, "that it is very wicked tobehave so? It was Satan that put it into your head to pull Elsie'shair. "

"Well, perhaps it was, " the child admitted, "but kicking her shins wasentirely my own idea. "

OSTRICH

 The ostrich is a foolish bird, With scarcely any mind, He often runs away so fast, He leaves himself behind. 

 And when he gets there, has to stand And wait around till night, Without a single thing to do, Until he comes in sight. 

 --_Mary Wilkins Freeman_. 

OUIJA BOARD

"Do you think Mrs. Spinnix cheated at the ouija board?"

"I wouldn't go so far as to say she cheated, " replied Miss Cayenne, "But I couldn't help noticing that it mispelled some of its words thesame way she does. "

Harry came home about five o'clock and his face and hands werevery clean and his hair stood on end. His mother took one look andexclaimed: "Harry, I told you not to go swimmin' with Bob Ross. "

"How do you know that I have been swimmin'?" asked Harry. 

"Never mind who told me, but I know that you have been swimmin', "replied his mother. 

After a while Harry said: "I'll just bet you anything that Mrs. Rosswas over here this afternoon, and you and Mrs. Ross had that ouijaboard out. "--_Judge_. 

Breathlessly the spiritualistically inclined lady bent over the ouijaspelling out the communications from her departed spouse. 

"John, are you happy there?" she asked. 

"Yes, d-e-a-r. "

"Are you happier than you were on the earth. "

"Yes, d-e-a-r. "

"Ah, " she breathed. "Heaven must be a wonderful place. "

"I g-u-e-s-s s-o, b-u-t I-m n-o-t t-h-e-r-e y-e-t. "

"Well, " said Farmer Corntossel, "I reckon I've done a pretty goodafternoon's work. "

"But all you did, " commented Jud Tunkins, contemptuously, "was to siton the fence and whittle. "

"Yes; but what I whittled up was the family ouija board. "

PARENTS

 _When Ma Is Sick_

 When Ma is sick she pegs away; She's quiet, though; not much t' say. She goes right on a-doin' things, An' sometimes laughs and even sings. She says she don't feel extra well. But then it's just a kind o' spell. She'll be all right tomorrow sure, A good old sleep will be the cure. An' Pa he sniffs an' makes no kick, For women folks is always sick, An' Ma, she smiles, lets on she's glad-- When Ma is sick it ain't so bad. 

 _When Pa Is Sick_ When Pa is sick, he's scared to death, An' Ma an' us just holds our breath. He crawls in bed, an' puffs and grunts, And does all kinds of crazy stunts. He wants "Doc" Brown, an' mighty quick, For when Pa's ill he's mighty sick. He gasps and groans, an' sort o' sighs, He talks so queer, an' rolls his eyes. Ma jumps an' runs, an' all of us, An' all the house is in a fuss. An' peace and joy is mighty skeerce-- When Pa is sick, it's something fierce. 

"Come upstairs, and let me wash your hands, " said mother, when shearrived with her little daughter for tea at granny's. 

"I don't want to go up, " wailed Winnie, aged four. 

"Let her wash them down in the kitchen, " called grand-mamma. "She cando it just as well. "

"No, " her mother said firmly. "I want her to come up with me!"

Winnie went upstairs as slowly as possible. 

"Oh, " said she, turning a wrathful tearful face to her mother, "Whydon't you obey your mother?"

 _Three Children_ Three children sliding on the ice Upon a summer's day. As it fell out they all fell in, The rest they ran away. Now, had these children been at home, Or sliding on dry ground, Ten thousand pounds to one penny They had not all been drowned. You parents all that children have, And you too that have none, If you would have them safe abroad Pray keep them safe at home. 

WILLIE--"I guess my dad must have been a pretty bad boy. "

TOMMIE--"What makes you think that?"

WILLIE--"Because he knows exactly what questions to ask me when hewants to know what I have been doing. "--_Puck_. 

Daddy came home from the office early one evening and mother had notreturned from some friends whom she had been visiting for tea. 

Little four-year-old Gwennie ran up to her father's side. "Daddy, " shecried, "I've been wanting to see you for a long time when mother's notnear. "

"Why, my little girl?" asked father. 

"Well, dad, " answered Gwennie, "please don't tell mother, becauseshe's an awful dear, but I don't think she knows much about bringingup children. "

"What makes you think that?" asked her father. 

"Well, " replied Gwennie, "she makes me go to bed when I am wide awakeand she makes me get up when I am awfully sleepy. "

BOBBY--"Daddy, look! There's an aeroplane. "

ABSORBED DADDY--"Yes, dear--don't touch it. "

PARROTS

"Mercy! How that bird swears!" exclaimed the would-be purchaser. "Whatwould my husband say?"

"I dunno, ma'am, " replied the dealer. "But whatever it was this 'ereparrot could repeat it right over after him. "

OLD LADY--"I want you to change that parrot I bought from you--hedoesn't speak at all, and you said he'd repeat every word he heard. "

SHOPMAN--"Yes, madam, and so he would--but you took him in such ahurry that I hadn't time to tell you he was deaf. "

A. E. Clark, editor of The City Bulletin, of Columbus, Ohio, was with afriend who was campaigning for the Red Cross. The friend knocked at adoor and a voice said, "Come in. "

His friend tried the door, then shouted, "It's locked!"

"Come in, " repeated the voice, and the campaigner replied:

"It's locked. "

"Come in. "

"It's locked. "

At that point a woman put her head out of a window next door and said:

"There's no one at home. You're talking to the parrot. "

PARTNERSHIP

The partners of a well-known Stock Exchange house were having a dinnerconference at an uptown hotel. One of them appeared worried during theprogress of the meal, and finally he was queried as to the cause ofhis fit of abstraction. 

"I just happened to remember that I neglected to lock the safe beforeI left the office, " he replied. 

"Why worry?" said another member of the firm. "We are all here. "

"I'll clean th' snow off yer walk for a quarter. "

"Why, I just paid a quarter to have it cleaned. "

"Tain't half done. "

"Come, come, that isn't a nice way to abuse a fellow worker. "

"Oh, dat's all right--he's me pardner. "

A bright German gentleman, retired from business, relates thefollowing little anecdote:

"Going down to New York the other night on the boat, " said he, "I gotchatting with a German acquaintance, and asked him what he was doing. 

"'Veil', he replied, 'shoost now I am doing nodings, but I have madearrangements to go into pizness. '

"'Glad to hear it. What are you going into?'

"'Veil, I guess into partnership mit a man. '

"'Do you put in much capital?'

"'No; I doesn't put in no gabital. '

"'Don't want to risk it, eh?'

"'No; but I puts in de experience. '

"'And he puts in the capital?'

"'Yes, dot is it. We goes into pizness for dree year; he puts in degabital, I puts in de experience. At the end of de dree year I willhave de gabital, and he will have de experience!'"

PEACE

"Why were all the nations fighting, papa?"

"To make the world safe for democracy, my son. "

"Is the world safe for democracy now, papa?"

"It will be, when we have peace. "

"When will we have peace, papa?"

"When the world is safe for democracy. "

"Will the nations always fight to have peace, papa?"

"Yes, always, my son. "

A certain people were much given to deploring war. War, they keptinsisting, was poor business. 

Their King heard them, but he didn't take them seriously. The veryfirst chance he got he picked a quarrel with a neighboring Power, and, that done, he lifted up his voice in the old way. 

"The fatherland is in danger!" he cried. "The honor of the nation isassailed! My children, be patriots!"

But they couldn't see him. "Not on your life!" they made answer. "Youcan fool all the people some of the time and some of the people all ofthe time, but you can not fool all the people all the time!"

Whereupon the King made haste to patch up his quarrel and was verycareful forever after not to pick another. 

This fable teaches that we have still some distance to go beforeuniversal peace can be anything but a joke. 

PEDESTRIANS

"You know, " said the lady whose motor-car had run down a man, "youmust have been walking very carelessly. I am a very careful driver. Ihave been driving a car for seven years. "

"Lady, you've got nothing on me. I've been walking for fifty-fouryears. "

Chug-Chug! Br-r! Br-r-r! Honk! Honk! Gilligillug-gilligillug!

The pedestrian paused at the intersection of two busy cross streets. 

He looked about. A motor-car was rushing at him from one direction, amotorcycle from another, a steam truck was coming from behind, and ataxicab was speedily approaching. 

Zip-zip! Zing-glug!

He looked up, and saw directly above him an air-ship in rapid descent. 

There was but one chance. He was standing upon a manhole cover. Quickly seizing it, he lifted the lid and jumped into the hole just intime to be run over by an underground train. 

PENMANSHIP

Mr. Brown had just registered and was about to turn away when theclerk asked:

"Beg pardon, but what is your name?"

"Name!" echoed the indignant guest. "Don't you see my signature thereon the register?"

"I do, " returned the clerk calmly. "That is what aroused mycuriosity. "

PEP

 Vigor, vitality, vim and punch-- That's Pep! The courage to act on a sudden hunch-- That's Pep! The nerve to tackle the hardest thing With feet that climb and hands that cling, And a heart that never forgets to sing-- That's Pep. 

 Sand and grit in a concrete base-- That's Pep! Friendly smile on an honest face-- That's Pep! The spirit that helps when another's down, That knows how to scatter the blackest frown, That loves its neighbor, and loves its town-- That's Pep. 

 To say "I will, " for you know you can-- That's Pep! To look for the best in every man-- That's Pep! To meet each thundering knock-out blow, And come back strong, because you know You'll get the best of the whole damned show-- That's Pep. 

 --_Henry W. Stern_. 

PERCENTAGE

"Speaking of percentages. " said the old-time politician, "reminds meof Tom Bledsoe, who had the butcher shop in our town. He used to buyrabbits from the boys. One day he hung up a sign announcing rabbitsausage for sale. People wondered what it was, took a hack at it, andliked it. Pretty soon he was selling rabbit sausage by the wagon-load. 

"But the pure-food inspectors came prying around, and asked Tom how hecould make so much sausage when he got only a few dozen rabbits a day. Finally he admitted that there was some horse-meat in the sausage. Then they wanted to know how much horse-meat. After a long grilling hesaid it was fifty per cent. When pressed further by his questioners, he explained that fifty per cent meant one rabbit to one horse. "

PERSISTENCE

Persistence can accomplish two things--it can make one either asuccess or a bore. 

 _Fishin'_

 "Supposin" fish don't bite at first, What are you goin' to do? Throw down your pole, chuck out your bait And say your fishin's through?

 "You bet you ain't; you're goin' to fish An' fish, an' fish, an' wait Until you've ketched a bucketful Or used up all your bait. 

 "Suppose success don't come at first, What are you goin' to do? Throw up the sponge and kick yourself And growl, and fret, and stew?

 "You bet you ain't; you're goin' to fish An' bait, an' bait ag'in, Until success will bite your hook. For grit is sure to win. "

PERSUASION

"Mother, " said a twelve-year-old of Baltimore, "did you tell father Iwanted a new bicycle?"

"Yes, dear, " said the mother, "I told him; but he said he couldn'tafford to buy you one. "

"Of course he'd say that; but what did you do?"

"I told him how badly you wanted it, and argued in favor of it, but herefused. "

"Argued! Oh, mother, if it had been something you wanted yourselfyou'd have cried a little and then you'd have got it. "

Persuasion tips his tongue whene'er he talks. --_Colley Gibber_. 

Few are open to conviction, but the majority of men are open topersuasion. --_Goethe_. 

PESSIMISM

TED--"What's the difference between a pessimist and a cynic?"

NED--"The pessimist is without hope, while the cynic is sure you'llalways be able to get a drink if you have the price. "--_Life_. 

 _The Pessimist_

 Nothing to do but work, Nothing to eat but food, Nothing to wear but clothes, To keep one from going nude. 

 Nothing to breathe but air, Quick as a flash 'tis gone; Nowhere to fall but off, Nowhere to stand but on. 

 Nothing to comb but hair, Nowhere to sleep but in bed, Nothing to weep but tears, Nothing to bury but dead. 

 Nothing to sing but songs, Ah, well, alas! alack! Nowhere to go but out, Nowhere to come but back. 

 Nothing to see but sights, Nothing to quench but thirst, Nothing to have but what we've got Thus through life we are cursed. 

 Nothing to strike but a gait; Everything moves that goes. Nothing at all but common sense Can ever withstand these woes. 

 --_Ben King_. 

It was a mile over Mount Clemens. 

The pilot of the plane from Selfridge Field was giving a visitingofficer his first air voyage. 

He cut off the motor. 

"See those people?" shouted the pilot. "Fifty per cent of them thinkwe are going to fall. "

"They've got nothing on us, " was the reply that streamed for a half amile back of the plane; "fifty per cent of us do. "

THE PESSIMIST--"The best luck any man can have is never to have beenborn; but that seldom happens to any one. "

Said the weather prophet, "I think it is safest always to predict badweather. "

"Why's that?"

"Well, people are ready to forgive you if you turn out to be wrong. "

Out at the front two regiments, returning to the trenches, chanced tomeet. There was the usual exchange of wit. 

"When's the bloomin' war goin' to end?" asked one north-country lad. 

"Dunno, " replied one of the southshires. "We've planted some daffydilsin front of our trench. "

"Bloomin' optimists!" snorted the man from the north. "We've plantedacorns. "

_See also_ Irish bulls; Optimism. 

PHILADELPHIA

The city of Philadelphia offers a liberal reward for the mostimportant contribution toward civic improvement. A fine opportunityfor manufacturers of alarm clocks. 

PHILANTHROPISTS

WEALTHY BENEFACTRESS (stopping in at the hospital)--"Well, we'll bringthe car tomorrow, and take some of your patients for a drive. And, bythe bye, nurse, you might pick out some with bandages that show--thelast party might not have been wounded at all, as far as anybody inthe streets could see. "--_Punch_. 

PHILOSOPHY

Rube Wilkins says--"You can't get ahead while you're kickin' any morethan a mule can. "

All philosophy lies in two words, "sustain" and "abstain. "--_Epictetus_. 

The philosophy of one century is the common sense of the next. --_HenryWard Beecher_. 

Philosophy, while it soothes the reason, damps the ambition. --_Bulwer-Lytton_. 

PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS

_See_ Doctors. 

PITTSBURG

PITTSBURG MAN (telephoning to Long Island from New York)--"Ten cents?Why, in Pittsburg we can telephone to Hades for a nickel. "

CENTRAL--"But this is a long-distance call. "

PLEASURE

Pleasures are like liqueurs: they must be drunk but in smallglasses. --_Romainville_. 

POETRY

EDITOR--"This isn't poetry, my dear man; it's merely an escape ofgas. "

WOULD-BE CONTRIBUTOR--"Ah, I see! Something wrong with the meter. "

 Your poem must _eternal_ be, Dear sir, it can not fail, For 'tis incomprehensible, And wants both _head_ and _tail_. 

 --_S. T. Coleridge_. 

"What is poetry of motion?"

"The kind that's always going from one editor to another. "

They were dancing the one-step. The music was heavenly. The swishof her silken skirts was divine. The fragrance of the roses upon herbosom was really intoxicating. 

"Ah, " she smiled, sweetly, with an arch look up into his face, "youremind me of one of Whitman's poems. "

A sudden dizziness seemed to seize him. It was as if he were floatingin a dream. When he had sufficiently gained his breath he spoke:

"Which one?"

"Oh, any one, " she replied. "The feet are mixed in all ofthem. "--_Everybody's_. 

POETS

 Sir, I admit your general rule, That every poet is a fool, But you yourself may serve to show it, That every fool is not a poet. 

 --_Alexander Pope_. 

Witter Bynner is said to have worked off a pretty good one at thePoetry Society banquet. Some one asked him if Burns and Noyes couldnot be likened to each other. Bynner replied: "Well, you can feelBurns, while you can only hear Noyes. "

When Masefield, the British poet, visited Yale, he finished hisevening's talk and readings earlier than was expected, and thechairman of the meeting suggested that the poet should read any poemrequested by the audience. The audience, as usually happens, wasdumb. It was an awkward moment. Finally, one of the younger EnglishDepartment members rushed agitatedly into the breach. 

"Won't you please read 'The Tewksbury Road, ' Mr. Masefield?"

The poet looked amazed, then puzzled, and at last said witha hesitating desire not to offend "these singular Americans":"Ah--er--I--ah!--would be charmed to do so--really--but I've just readit!"

Professor Alfred Noyes, the English poet, it is known, likes very muchto read his works aloud to his friends, and at Princeton, with so manyyoung men under him, he is usually able to gratify this liking to thefull. The other day Professor Noyes said to a junior who had calledabout an examination: "Wait a minute. Don't go yet. I want to show youthe proofs of my new book of poems. " But the junior made for the doorfrantically. "No, no, " he said. "I don't need proofs. Your word isenough for me, professor. "

HE--"I tore up that poem I wrote last week. "

SHE--"Tore it up? Why, that was the best thing you ever did. "

The little agricultural village had been billed with "Lecture onKeats" for over a fortnight. The evening arrived at length, bringingthe lecturer ready to discourse on the poet. The advertised chairman, taken ill at the last moment, was replaced by a local farmer. Thisworthy introduced the lecturer and terminated his remarks by saying:

"And now, my friends, we shall soon all know what 1 personally haveoften wondered--what are Keats?"

POLICE

"Why doesn't the policeman pay his fare?" inquired the old gentlemanon the twopenny tram, observing that no money passed between theconstable and the conductor. 

"Well, you know, sir, " explained the conductor, "you can't gettwopence out of a copper. "

"Gent up-town telephones for an officer at once. Burglar in thehouse. "

"Let me see, " said the captain, reflectively. "I've got four mencensoring plays, two inspecting the gowns at a society function, andtwo more supervising a tango tea. Tell him I can send him an officerin about two hours. "

JUDGE--"You let the burglar go to arrest an automobilist?"

POLICEMAN--"Yes. The autoist pays a fine and adds to the resources ofthe State; the burglar goes to prison, and the State has to pay forhis keep. "--_Life_. 

POLITENESS

Politeness is the art of getting what you want. 

MRS. SMITH--"Politeness costs nothing, I am sure, my dear. "

SMITH--"No; but if it was advertised at $1. 98, a lot more people wouldhave it. "

"Hum, ho!" sighed the New-Hampshire farmer as he came in fromdown-town. "Deacon Jones wants me to be pall-bearer again to hiswife's funeral. "

"Wal, you're goin' to be, ain't ye?" asked the farmer's better half. 

"I dunno. Y' know, when Deacon Jones's fust wife died, he asked me tobe a pall-bearer, an' I did; and then his second wife died, an' I wasthe same again. An' then he married thet Perkins gal, and she died, and I was pall-bearer to that funeral. An' now--wal, I don't like tobe all the time acceptin' favors without bein' able to return 'em. "

Dickie's father was shocked to see his son kick his little playmate. 

"Why did you kick John?" he asked, severely. 

"I am tired of playing with him. I want him to go home, " was Dickie'sanswer. 

"Then why didn't you ask him to go home?"

"Oh"--it was Dickie's turn to be shocked--"why, daddy, that wouldn'tbe polite!"

_See also_ Etiquet. 

POLITICAL PARTIES

Kane, Pa. , May 21. --During a circus parade here today one of theelephants, as if to relieve the monotony, flung its trunk in the airand brought it down with a resounding thump on a mule at the curbquietly watching the sights. 

Altho hitched to a delivery-wagon the mule wheeled about, took aim, and kicked twice. His hoofs caught the elephant squarely on theknees. The elephant stopped for an instant, but sought no furtherinterchanges with the mule and finished the parade with a decidedlimp. 

When Colonel Roosevelt was making a political speech in Maine he askedif there was a Democrat in the audience. An old long whiskered manrose in the back of the room and said, "I am a Democrat. " Rooseveltthen asked him why he was a Democrat and he said: "I've always been aDemocrat, my father was a Democrat and my grandfather was a Democrat. "Roosevelt then said: "Then if your father had been a horsethief andyour grandfather had been a horsethief you would be a horsethief?""No, " he said, "I would be a Republican. "

In an Americanization class in one of our large cities, AchillesBonglis, a Greek, about fifty years old, was called upon to recite theoath of allegiance, and did so promptly:

"I pledge allegiance to our flag and the _Republicans_ for which itstands. "

MEMBROOKE--"Backus seems to be a very popular candidate. Is he runningon the Progressive ticket?"

YISTLEY--"No, the Retrogressive, His platform is five-cent trolleys, ten-cent bread, three-dollar shoes and 1913 rents. "

A prominent Chicago politician, when a candidate for an importantmunicipal office, related the following story of his campaign. 

"Once I told three negroes that I'd give a big turkey to the one who'dgive the best reason for his being a Republican. 

"The first one said: 'I'se a 'publican kase de 'publican set usniggers free. '

"'Very good, Pete, ' said I. 'Now, Bill, let me hear from you. '

"'Well, I'se a 'publican kase dey don' gib us a pertective tariff. '

"'Fine!' I exclaimed. 'Now, Sam, what have you to say?'

"'Boss, " said Sam, scratching his head and shifting from one foot tothe other, 'boss, I'se a 'publican kase I wants dat turkey. '

"And he got it. "

POLITICIANS

"And why is he here?" we inquired, stopping in front of Padded CellNo. 44. 

"He was a politician and when he finally got in office he really triedto carry out his campaign pledges, " replied the attendant. --_Judge_. 

"Do you find public office an easy berth?"

"I shouldn't exactly call it a berth, " said Senator Sorghum, thoughtfully. "It's more like a hammock: hard to get into comfortably, and still harder to get out of gracefully. "

 Here lies Mr. Blank, who, on politics bent, Was at first quite unable to say what he meant; But schooled by experience, he soon went ahead, Once he saw that he never need mean what he said. 

"I hope that Wilhelm has not decided to take up politics, " musedSenator Sorghum. 

"Why?"

"Because a military man can be definitely disposed of, but apolitician never quits. "

In Colorado, remember, the women vote as well as the men. 

In the fall of 1910 a man named Smith was running for sheriff againsta man named Jones. One evening just before election Smith rode up tothe barn-yard of an old farmer. The farmer was milking a cow and washaving difficulty with a lusty calf that continually tried to "buttin. " The candidate, to gain the favor of the farmer, took the calfbetween his legs and held it until the milking was done. He thenintroduced himself: "I am Mr. Smith, the Republican candidate forsheriff of the county. I suppose you know the man who's runningagainst me?"

The farmer's eyes twinkled as he slowly drawled: "Waal, I reckon I do. He's in the house now, holding the baby. "--_Everybody's_. 

"Some of your constituents are disagreeing with you, " said the trustedlieutenant. 

"Well, keep tab on them, " replied Senator Sorghum; "when enoughdisagree with me to constitute a reliable majority, I'm going to turnaround and agree with them. "

"Are you sure your auditors understood all of your arguments?"

"If they did, " answered Senator Sorghum, "I wish they'd come aroundand explain some of 'em to me. "

"Who can furnish a clear definition of a politician?" inquired theProfessor. 

"I can, " said the son of a Congressman. "To which party do you refer?"

"My proudest boast, " declared the politician, who expected thisstatement to be greeted with cheers, "is that I was one of the menbehind the guns. "

"How many miles behind?" piped a voice from the gallery. 

"What is your opinion of relativity?"

"I approve of it, " replied Senator Sorghum. 

"Then you understand it thoroughly?"

"Friend, if I had always been required to understand thoroughlyeverything I approved of I should have transacted considerable lesspolitical business. "

"I'm sorry you were defeated, " said a sympathetic friend of thecandidate. 

"Perhaps it is better so. "

"That's the better way to look at it. "

"Yes, according to an elderly aunt of mine who keeps up with allthe family connections, I have no fewer than four hundred livingrelatives. I couldn't have possibly provided jobs for more than halfof them. "

_See also_ Public speakers. 

POLITICS

GREEN--"What is the hardest work you ever did?"

CITY EMPLOYEE--"The work I did landing this job, and the next hardestis the work of keeping it from being taken away from me. "--_Judge_. 

"I am out of politics for good, " announced the Political Boss. 

"Whose?" questioned the Green Reporter. 

POLITICAL BOSS--"So you wish to enter politics, madam. What are yourqualifications?"

LADY APPLICANT--"Well, I have served three terms as a member of theBoard of Education. "

YOUNG 'UN--"I'm taking political economy at college. "

OLD 'UN--"That's a useless course. Why learn to economize in politics?It's not being done. "

FIRST PASSENGER--"I understand that your city has the rottenestpolitical ring in the country. "

SECOND PASSENGER--"That's right. But how did you know where I'm from?"

FIRST PASSENGER--"I don't. "

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY (investigating election fund)--"Dave, whathappened to you before you reached the polls?"

DAVE (an old negro)--"Well suh, the fust thing, suh, a man stopped mean' said: 'Dave, heah's four dollahs; I want you to go right down tode polls an' vote for Mr. Brown; he's the Republican candidate forCongress and a very fine man. '"

PROSECUTOR--"Did you take the money?"

DAVE--"O, yassir, I took de money. And then, as I wuz goin' on down destreet another man stops me and says: 'Dave, heah's seven dollahs; Iwant you to go right down to de polls an' vote for Mr. Rogers; he'sthe Democratic nominee for Congress and a very fine man. '"

PROSECUTOR--"Did you take that money, too, Dave?"

DAVE--"O, yassir, I took dat money, too, suh. "

PROSECUTOR--"Then, Dave, how did you vote?"

DAVE--"Well, suh, after speculatin' quite a spell, suh, as to what aniggah ought to do in a case ob dat kind, suh, I walks right into depolls and votes de straight Republican ticket, suh, 'cause I figgered, suh, dat dis here Republican man, he war de least corrupt ob de two. "

"Don't you think our friend Crossum might loom up as a dark horse?"

"No, " declared Senator Sorghum, "record's too shady. It would requirea great deal of whitewashing to qualify him as a dark horse. "

YOUNG HOPEFUL--"Father, what is a traitor in politics?"

VETERAN POLITICIAN--"A traitor is a man who leaves our party and goesover to the other one. "

YOUNG HOPEFUL--"Well, then, what is a man who leaves his party andcomes over to yours?"

VETERAN POLITICIAN--"A convert, my son. "

During a municipal campaign in Chicago a politician dropped in onemorning to see a certain grocer. During the conversation that tookplace, the politician asked, "And I may count upon your support, may Inot?"

"Why, no, I am sorry to say, " replied the grocer. "The fact is, I havepromised my support to the other candidate. "

The politician laughed. "Ah, " said he, "in politics, promising andperforming are two different things. "

"In that case, " said the grocer cordially, "I shall be glad to giveyou my promise, sir. "

STRANGER--"Upon what plan are your city institutions conducted?"

CITIZEN-"A sort of let-George-do-it system--without anyGeorge. "--_Puck_. 

POSTAL SERVICE

WILLIS--"What did you think of that fellow's carrying the message toGarcia?"

GILLIS--"Don't blame him a bit. With our poor Post Office service, itwas the only way he could get it to him. "

COUNTRY LADY--"I've been expecting a packet of medicine by post for aweek, and haven't received it yet. "

POST-OFFICE CLERK--"Yes, madam. Kindly fill in this form, and statethe nature of your complaint. "

LADY--"Well, if you must know, it's indigestion. "

Aunt Mehitable Trusalive wants to know why it is every letter shegets somebody is always printing on the outside: "Join the Navy. " Shedeclares to goodness she never thought of such a thing and if theydon't stop she'll have the law on them. 

DASHER--"This parcel-post package is being delivered in unusuallyquick time. How do you account for it?"

MAIL-CARRIER--"The department thought it contained a time-bomb, sir. "-_Judge_. 

FANNING--"What's become of that rubber stamp, 'Dictated, but notread, ' that you used to use on your letters?"

DASHER--"I threw it away and got one that prints, 'Mailed, but notdelivered. '"

POVERTY

Poverty is the greatest of physicians. His method is prophylacticrather than therapeutic, but in point of results he is in a class byhimself. 

His practice attests the efficacy of the ounce of prevention in bigdoses. 

Poverty ranks high as a surgeon, too. Nobody else cuts out so manythings that are not good for us. 

In a way he has the respect of the profession. Where he is in chargeof a case no other practitioner is apt to interfere. 

We should not so much esteem our poverty as a misfortune, were it notthat the world treats it so much as a crime. --_Boree_. 

Not to be able to bear poverty is a shameful thing, but not toknow how to chase it away by work is a more shameful thingyet. --_Pericles_. 

 Want is a bitter and a hateful good, Because its virtues are not understood; Yet many things, impossible to thought, Have been by need to full perfection brought. 

 --_Dryden_. 

Ned Shuter thus explained his reasons for preferring to wear stockingswith holes to having them darned: "A hole, " said he, "may be theaccident of a day, and will pass upon the best gentleman, but a darnis premeditated poverty. "

PRAISE

The highest praise for a man is to give him responsibility. 

A playwright and an actor were in conversation when the former, whohas been none too successful of late, exclaimed gloomily:

"People will praise my work after I am dead. "

"Well, " said the actor, in a consoling tone, "perhaps you are right, but don't you think it's a great deal of a sacrifice to make for alittle praise?"

"Well, there's one thing about the man who sings his own praises. "

"And what's that?"

"He never has to give the excuse that he has left his music home andcan't play without his notes. "

 The love of praise, howe'er conceal'd by art, Reigns, more or less, and glows, in ev'ry heart: The proud, to gain it, toils on toils endure; The modest shun it, but to make it sure. 

 --_Young_. 

 Praising what is lost, Makes the remembrance dear. 

 --_Shakespeare_. 

PRAYERS

A very nice and gentle minister accepted a call to a new church in atown where many of the members bred horses and sometimes raced them. Afew weeks later he was asked to invite the prayers of the congregationfor Lucy Grey. Willingly and gladly he did so for three Sundays. Onthe fourth one of the deacons told the minister he need not do it anymore. 

"Why, " asked the good man, with an anxious look, "is she dead?"

"Oh, no, " said the deacon; "she's won the steeplechase. "

The two men were adrift in an open boat and it looked bad for them. Finally one of them, frightened, began to pray. 

"O Lord, " he prayed, "I've broken most of Thy commandments. I've beena hard drinker, but if my life is spared now I'll promise Thee neveragain--"

"Wait a minute, Jack, " said, his friend. "Don't go too far. I think Isee a sail. "

Lindsley had the little hen fast and was trying to bring her headclose to the ground. 

"What might you be trying to do?" exclaimed her father coming upon thesmall girl in the yard. 

"I'm trying to make this hen say her prayers. "

"Well, " said the parent sadly, "I hope she'll say: 'Now I lay me. '"

BROWN (on fishing trip)--"Boys, the boat is sinking! Is there any onehere who knows how to pray?"

JONES (eagerly)--"I do. "

BROWN--"All right. You pray and the rest of us will put on life belts. They's one shy. "

A small boy, whose father is now on the other side with the Y. M. C. A. , was taught to say at the end of his prayer, "Please, God, make Grahama good boy. " One night he did not say it, and when his mother askedhim if he had not forgotten something, he said, "No; I thought I wasasking too much of God. I'd better do more myself. "

GRANDSON (who hasn't decided yet just what branch of the service willhave the benefit of his talents)--"There seems to be quite a diversityof opinion regarding what prayer to say in response to the Senate'srequest for daily prayer for victory. "

GRANDMA (industriously knitting)--"Guess any of 'em will do, so longas it isn't 'Now I lay me down to sleep. '"

 "The proper way for a man to pray, " Said Deacon Lemuel Keyes, "And the only proper attitude Is down upon his knees. "

 "No, I should say the way to pray, " Said Rev. Doctor Wise, "Is standing straight with outstretched arms And rapt and upturned eyes. "

 "Oh, no, no, no, " said Elder Slow, "Such posture is too proud; A man should pray with eyes fast closed And head contritely bowed. "

 "It seems to me his hands should be Austerely clasped in front, With both thumbs pointing to the ground, " Said Rev. Doctor Blunt. 

 "Last year I fell in Hodgkin's well Head first, " said Cyrus Brown, "With both my heels a-stickin' up, My head a-pinting down;

 "An' I made a prayer right then an' there-- Best prayer I ever said, The prayingest prayer I ever prayed, A-standing on my head. "

 --_Sam Walter Foss_. 

A young mother was about to hear her small girl's prayers when aneighbor called and said she must see the mother right away. Theyhad been talking at the front door several minutes when a reproachfullittle voice came from the top of the stairway:

"Mamma, aren't you 'shamed to keep God waiting so long?"

It was the week before little Willie's birthday, and he was on hisknees at his bedside petitioning Divine Providence for presents in avery loud voice. 

"Please send me, " he shouted, "a bicycle, a tool chest, a--"

"What are you praying so loud for?" his younger brother interrupted. "God ain't deaf. "

"I know he ain't, " said little Willie, winking toward the next room, "but grandma is. "

MARJORIE--"Will I get everything I pray for, mama?"

MOTHER (cautiously)--"Everything that's good for you, dear. "

MARJORIE (disgustedly)--"Oh, what's the use, then; I get thatanyway. "--_Life_. 

One day little Flora was taken to have an aching tooth removed. Thatnight, while she was saying her prayers, her mother was surprisedto hear her say: "And forgive us our debts as we forgive ourdentists. "--_Everybody's_. 

SMALL YOUTH--"I ain't goin' to say my prayers tonight, mother. I'mgoin' to take a chance. "--_Life_. 

Bobby had been taught to remember all his relatives when he saidhis prayers. One night, as he knelt at his mother's knee, he did notmention the name of a favorite aunt. 

"Why, Bobby, " said the mother, "you didn't say 'God bless AuntBeatrice and make her happy. '"

"Well, mother, " replied the little boy, "I don't have to say that anymore. Aunt Beatrice's engaged. "

Two prominent senators, boyhood friends, were discussing how stricthad been their early religious training and how they had departed fromit in late years. Said A to B: "I don't believe you even remember theLord's Prayer, do you?" B answered: "Oh, yes, I do; I'm not such abackslider as that. " Then A said: "I'll bet a dollar you cannot saythe Lord's Prayer straight through. " B promptly declared that he wouldwin that dollar and, after a moment's thoughtful hesitation, repeatedslowly:

 Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take. 

"By Jove, " said A, "here is your dollar; I didn't believe you could doit. "

"We'd have more prayers answered, " said Bishop Hoss, of Muskogee, "ifwe had more faith. "

"Too many of us are like Willie. Willie, on a visit to his uncle's inthe country, admired a fine colt. 

"'Uncle, give me that colt, will you?' he asked. 

"'Why, no, Willie, ' said his uncle. 'That's a very valuable colt, and I couldn't afford to give him to you. Do you want a colt so verybadly?'

"'I'd rather have a colt than anything else in the world, ' saidWillie. 

"'Then, ' said his uncle. 'I'll tell you what you ought to do. Sinceyou want a colt that much, you ought to pray for one. Whenever I wanta thing I always pray for it, and then it is sure to come to me. '

"'Is that so, uncle?' said Willie, eagerly. 'Won't you please give methis colt, then, and pray for one for yourself?'"

An old darkey who was asked if, in his experience, prayer was everanswered, replied:

"Well, sah! some pra'rs is ansud, an' some isn't--'pends on wa't youaxes fo'. Jest arter de wah, w'en it was mighty hard scratchin' fo' decullud breddern, I 'bsarved dat w'eneber I pway de Lord to sen' one o'Marse Peyton's fat turkeys fo' de old man, dere was no notis tookob de partition; but w'en I pway dat He would sen' de ole man fo'de turkey, de matter was t'ended to befo' sun-up nex' morning', deadsartin. "

PREACHING

The railroad official invited the stern citizen to communicate histroubles. 

"I want you to give orders, " demanded the visitor, "that the engineerof the express which passes through Elm Grove at 11:55 be restrainedfrom blowing his whistle Sunday mornings. "

"Impossible!" exploded the official. "What prompts you to make such aridiculous request?"

"Well, you see, " explained the citizen in an undertone, "our pastorpreaches until he hears the whistle blow and that confounded expresswas twenty minutes late last Sunday. "

The American in England affords cause for much perplexity andastonishment to his English kinsmen. 

A Yankee soldier was being shown over an old church wherein hundredsof people were buried. 

"A great many people sleep between these walls, " said the guide, indicating the inscription-covered floor with a sweep of his hand. 

"So?" said the Sammy. "Same way over in our country. Why don't you geta more interesting preacher?"

A colored preacher called on a white minister. 

He found the white man busy writing. 

"What you-all doin'?" he asked. 

"I'm preparing notes for my sermon for next Sunday. "

The colored gentleman shook his head. 

"I certainly would nebber do dat, sir, " he said. "De debbil ama-lookin' right over your shoulder and knows everything you gwine tosay and he am prepared for you. Now, I don't make no notes and whenI gets up to talk, neder me nor de debbil hisself don't know what I'mgoin' to say. "

Bishop Partridge is a collector of anecdotes about ministers, and inan anecdotal mood he said the other day:

"I once asked a minister how he had got through a certain service. Heanswered grimly:

"'Well, bishop, the service was soothing, moving and satisfactory. '

"'Yes, ' I said a little puzzled. 

"'Yes, exactly, ' said he. 'It was soothing because over half thecongregation went to sleep. It was moving because half of the otherhalf left before I was through. And it must have been satisfactory, inasmuch as I wasn't asked to come again. '"

The minister had just preached his farewell sermon to the congregationwith whom he had had much trouble. 

"How beautiful!" said a visitor to one of the deacons, "and howappropriate for a farewell sermon!"

"Think so?" said the deacon gruffly. 

"Why, yes. What better text could he find than 'In My Father's houseare many mansions. . . . I go to prepare a place for you. ' By the way, where is he going?"

The deacon smiled sourly as he answered: "He becomes chaplain of theState penitentiary. "

While a certain Scottish minister was conducting religious services inan asylum for the insane, one of the inmates cried out wildly:

"I say, have we got to listen to this?"

The minister, surprised and confused, turned to the keeper and said:

"Shall I stop speaking?"

The keeper replied:

"No, no; gang along, gang along; that will not happen again. That manonly has one lucid moment every seven years. "

Mr. Bryan says his next statement will be divided into three parts. Instinctively we recall the announcement of a mountaineer preacher whosaid to his flock:

"Brethren, I hev decided t' divide my sermon in three parts. Th' fustpart I'll understand an' you won't. Th' second part you'll understandan' I won't. Th' third part nobody'll understand. "

The teacher had asked, "Why did David say he would rather be adoor-keeper in the house of the Lord?"

"Because, " answered a boy, "he could then walk outside while thesermon was being preached. "

"It was hot last Sunday night when the preacher started his Sundaysermon, " says the _Fort Scott (Kan. ) Tribune_. 

"He observed that his sermon would be brief; that to be immortal, itis not necessary to be eternal. "

The critical instinct grows by what it is fed upon. No matter how wellyou do, some people are never satisfied and this is especially true infamilies. 

A Philadelphia divine was entertaining a couple of clergymen from NewYork at dinner. The guests spoke in praise of a sermon their host haddelivered the Sunday before. The host's son was at the table, and oneof the New York clergymen said to him: "My lad, what did you think ofyour father's sermon?"

"I guess it was very good, " said the boy, "but there were three mightyfine places where he could have stopped. "

_See also_ Clergy. 

PREJUDICE

Prejudice means "judging before" you have the facts. Never judge tillafter you have the facts. Nothing is so utterly devoid of reason as apassionate hatred of any race or class. All men are much the same whenyou come to know them. Class or race faults are superficial. The humanqualities strike deep. --_Dr. Frank Crane_. 

A prejudice is a conviction not shared by you. 

"Do you like codfish?"

"No, I don't like codfish, and I'm glad I don't like it, because if Iliked it I'd eat it, and I hate the damn stuff. "

PREPAREDNESS

GRUBBS--"Are you planning to make any good resolutions?"

STUBBS--"No, I am already pretty well stocked up in that way. You see, I never used those I made last year. "

PRESCRIPTIONS

"You must give up coffee and--"

"I never drink it, doctor. "

"And stop smoking. "

"I don't smoke. "

"Humph! that's bad. If you haven't anything to give up, I'm afraid Ican't do much for you. "

"Why do you bring a check with the cocktails?"

"That isn't a check. That's the house chemist's certificate. "

The curator of the museum was classifying Egyptian curios. He observeda perplexed expression on the face of his young assistant. 

"What seems to be the matter, Jones?" he asked. "Is there anything youdon't understand?"

"Yes, sir, " answered the helper. "Here is a papyrus on which thecharacters are so badly traced that they are indecipherable. How shallI classify it?"

"Let me see, " said the curator, examining the piece. "Just call it adoctor's prescription in the time of Pharaoh. "

Spirit writing--the modern doctor's prescription--_Life_. 

_See also_ Names, Personal. 

PRETENSION

 Pretension is a kind of velvet cloak I wear to hide my real self from view, And yet where'er I meet with other folk I always find they wear this garment too. 

 Pretension is a kind of golden veil Behind whose mesh I seek to hide my face, And yet where'er I go I never fail To see that others wear it too with grace. 

 Pretension is a thing I say I hate In both myself and in my dearest friend, And yet whene'er I slyly watch and wait I find in some regard we all pretend. 

 --_Ernest Powell_. 

Where there is much pretension, much has been borrowed: Nature neverpretends. --_Lavater_. 

When half-gods go, the gods arrive. --_Emerson_. 

PRICES

"Have any trouble in getting your money back?"

"Not a bit, " replied the dissatisfied purchaser. "But I got the worstof it, as usual. The price of the article had jumped so by the time Igot back to the store that they made a profit by getting it in stockagain. "

Jean longed for a kitten. When illness made it necessary for Jean togo to the hospital, her mother said:

"I will make a bargain with you, Jean. If you will be a brave littlegirl about your operation, you shall have the nicest kitten I canfind. "

Jean took the ether, but later, as she came out from under theanesthetic, she realized how very wretched she felt. The nurse leanedover to catch her first spoken word. 

"What a bum way to get a cat!" moaned the child. --_Harper's_. 

The most cheerful sign is that counterfeiters are again finding itworth while to make money. 

PRIDE

Randolph Bourne, a brilliant American writer who recently died, leftmany thoughts that stand out like cut diamonds. Here is one: "OnlyPride is creation. "

Pride forms one of the towering pillars in the structure of efficientperformance. 

Not until you feel the worth of what you do, are you able freelyto dominate and achieve. Through the hard days of darkness anddiscouragement, up and beyond the gruelling grades of steep ways, areyou asked to go if you desire substantial reward. It takes pride toendure. 

It is pride in a man's heart that makes him a willing gift, in mindand body, to be taken in hand by some great idea or noble cause. 

Pride does not stoop to littleness. Rather does it see in the signsof unselfishness and sacrifice the elements that lead to eternalcharacter. 

Life is but a link in the chain of everlasting good. 

If a man dies, does lie live again? Yes, for a man lives forever inthe deeds and thoughts of his life expression. And every man who shallpass his thought through every age that has been, shall be whitenedand renewed, to go on his way the better for every creative thoughtleft behind. 

It's the pride in a man's soul that leads him on!

Pride creates first--then contributes in natural turn. 

Until we become too proud to stoop to mean ways and unworthy ends, weshall have tasted of but a sample of what life holds in substance andbigness. --_George Matthew Adams_. 

To acknowledge our faults when we are blamed is modesty; to discoverthem to one's friends in ingenuousness, is confidence; but topreach them to all the world, if one does not take care, ispride. --_Confucius_. 

PRINTERS

Some of the finest jokes extant come through the fact that theprinter's finger slips. Here are some which, like all others, arefunny a long, long, long time afterward--never at the time. 

A Chicago paper reported that the propeller _Alaska_ was leaving portwith a cargo of 40, 000 bushels of cats. 

A Buffalo paper, in describing the scene when Roosevelt took the oathof office as President, said it was a spectacle never to be forgottenwhen Roosevelt, before the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court and afew witnesses, took his simple bath. 

PRISONS

BILL--"I see the authorities seriously object to the prisoners forgingchecks while in Sing Sing. "

TILL--"Well, I suppose they think it is particularly bad form for theprisoners to do that sort of thing while enjoying the hospitality ofthe State. "

VISTOR (at the jail)--"Poor man! What are you locked up here for?"

PRISONER (wearily)--"I suppose they think I'd get out if I wasn't. "

PROFANITY

When father came home to dinner he observed a vacant chair at thetable. "Where's the boy?" he asked, nodding to the chair. 

"Harry is up-stairs, " came in a tone of painful precision from themother. 

"I hope he is not sick. "

There was an anxious pause. "No, he is not sick, " continued themother. "It grieves me to say, Richard, that our son, your son, hasbeen heard swearing on the street. I heard him myself. "

"Swearing!" exclaimed the father. "I'll teach him to swear!"

And with that the angry parent started up-stairs in the dark. Half-wayup he stumbled and came down with his chin on the top step. 

When the confusion had subsided Harry's mother was heard saying fromthe hallway: "That will do, Richard, dear. You have given him enoughfor one lesson. "

Sometime ago a pious young clerical prevailed on a rather profaneaviator to take him for a flight. After attaining several thousandfeet the motor suddenly stopped, revealing to the uttermost theaviator's gift of profanity. 

The alarmed pastor excitedly demanded if there was any danger. Thepilot replied sarcastically that there would be prayer instead ofprofanity if there was any danger. 

The motor "cut in" again and the flight continued. Suddenly the motorstopped again and notwithstanding the pilot's efforts, accompaniedby the usual lurid language, he was forced to alight. Just as heflattened out for his landing, the pilot was disconcerted by hearingthe parson exclaim in fervid tones: "Thank God the aviator is stillswearing. "

Small Ann's mother had been disturbed to hear her using the word"devil. " "My dear, " said she, "that is a word we do _not_ use inpolite society, and I never want to hear you say it again. "

She noticed that her admonition was carefully heeded. Then on Sundayevening, about two weeks later, the mother inquired what the day'slesson had been about. "Why, mother, " was Ann's answer, "it was aboutwhen our Lord was tempted by the--by--by--the--the _gentleman thatkeeps hell!_"

Young William was evincing much interest in the evening paper, butfinally a puzzled look came over his countenance. 

"Mother, " said he, finally, "what does D--d stand for?"

"Doctor of Divinity, my son. Don't they teach you the commonabbreviations in school?"

"Sure; but that don't seem to sound right here. "

"Read it out aloud. "

"WITNESS: I heard the defendant say, I'll make you suffer for this. I'll be doctor of divinity if I don't!'"

"Say, Sam, why do you-all carry that parrot around with you on thewagon?"

"Well, yo' see, boss, I'se a membah of the chu'ch, but de mule ain't, so I hauls the pa'ot to fu'nish the cussin' fo' de mule. "

FATHER--"I'm ashamed to see you crying because a bee stung you. Actlike a man. "

BOBBIE--"Y-yes, and th-then you-you'd gim-me a li-lickin', like yous-said y-you would i-if yon ever h-heard m-me usin' that k-kind ofl-language. "

PROFESSIONS

An ambitious young man went to a university professor and said:"Sir, I desire a course of training which will fit me to become thesuperintendent of a great railway system. How much will such a coursecost, and how long will it take?"

"Young man, " replied the professor, "such a course would cost youtwenty thousand dollars, and require twenty years of your time. But, on the other hand, by spending three hundred dollars of your money andthree months of your time you may be elected to Congress. Once thereyou will feel yourself competent to direct not one but all the greatrailroad systems of our country. "

The reform warden always made it a point to give each new arrival achance to do the work with which he was familiar, if the penitentiarydealt in his line. A tailor named Levinski arrived, and it was orderedthat he be employed at that trade, if there was an opening. Therewasn't. He was asked if he was adept at anything else. "Yes, " hereplied, with a smile, "I am a crackerjack traveling salesman. "

PROFITEERS

The wicked garage-keeper was trying to figure out his income tax. 

"If a man brings his car to me to be repaired, and it costs me sixtycents, and I charge him sixteen dollars, what per cent profit would Ibe making?" he demanded of his son and heir. 

"I'm sure I don't know, pop, " answered that young hopeful. "You'llhave to get somebody who knows the rules of grand larceny to tell youthat. The rules for percentage wouldn't cover it!"

"Say, Cy, I jest found out what a rube is. "

"Thet so, Hiram? What is it?"

"Why, it's one o' them forty-one hour, ninety-five dollar a week laborguys that thinks a farmer is goin' to sell him food cheap. "

Old Omar doubtless had us in mind when he spoke of the profit'sparadise to come. 

Another reason why pickpockets seem to be on the increase may bebecause profiteering isn't what it was a few months ago. 

PROGRESS

I was explaining the other day, to a member of our organization, thatthere was no such thing as "standing still" in this world--that welost ground immediately we ceased to make progress. Quick as a flashhe put my thought in a few words when he remarked, "We're eithercoming or going. " That's it exactly. When we do not improve, learn, develop old ideas or find new ones--we go backwards. And you and Iknow how fast we go, when there's no driving power to keep us goingforward. --_E. M. Statler_. 

"No, sah, Ah doan't neber ride on dem things, " said an old coloredlady looking in on the merry-go-round. "Why, de other day I seen datRastus Johnson git on an' ride as much as a dollah's worth an' gitoff at the very same place he got on at, an' I sez to him, 'Rastus, ' Isez, 'yo' spent yo' money, but whar yo' been?'"

 Beneath this starry arch, Naught resteth or is still; But all things hold their march As if by one great will. Move one, move all: Hark to the footfall! On, on, forever. 

 --_Harriet Martineau_. 

PROHIBITION

A bone-dry nation means a life full of sorrows without any chance ofdrowning them. 

 _Classic Thoughts on Prohibition_

 I love fools' experiments. --_Darwin_. The rising world of waters dark and deep. --_Milton_. Earth a failure, God-forsaken, Ante-room of Hell!--_Kingsley_. If you have tears, prepare to shed them now. --_Shakespeare_. The law is a ass, a idiot. --_Dickens_. Lean, hungry, savage anti-everythings. --_Holmes_. The remedy is worse than the disease. --_Bacon_. O judgment! thou art fled to brutish beasts. And men have lost their reason. --_Shakespeare_. Drink today, and drown all sorrow; You shall perhaps not do't tomorrow. --_Fletcher_. The Hell of waters!--_Byron_. The frigid theories of a generalizing age. --_Disraeli_. O, happy, happy Liver!--_Wordsworth_. 

 --_E. H. _

"Do you think there's a chance of prohibition's being repealed, afterall?"

"I hope not, " answered Uncle Bill Bottletop; "anyhow, not soon. "

"I thought you didn't quite approve of prohibition. "

"I don't, quite. But for years folks have been talking about a lot o'chaps that 'ud be such wonders if they didn't drink, an' I want to see'em get a little more time to make good. "

"It is indeed a pleasure, " remarked the man who approves ofprohibition, "to be able to walk the streets without seeing a saloonon every corner. "

"And yet, " returned the unregenerate one, "it's a great comfort toknow they are there, even if you don't see them. "

Prohibition doesn't prohibit; it just provokes. 

"Mamma, what does it mean when you're wined and dined?"

"That's an obsolete term, Harold. Now you are only grape-juiced andcornbreaded. "

"This Prohibition outlook is a trifle expensive. "

"How so?"

"Why, I've just had to build an addition to my wine cellar. "

"Well, " said the first clubman, "we may have to drink water prettysoon. "

"Water?"

"Yes, that's the stuff the waiter brings you with your napkin. "

 _When It Comes_ _We Shall Miss_

 That appointment with an old business acquaintance. Calendars from our favorite brewery. Blotters from same. Reunion dinners. (a) College. (b) Fraternity. Scientific dissertations on the only non-refillable bottle. Stories about how Broadway spent New Year's eve. The real mint julep. The 5:15--without being unjustly accused. 

 _We Shall Not Miss_

 Sermons against rum. Sermons against Prohibition. The free lunch. The Southern gentleman who says he's the only man who can make the real mint julep. German beer gardens. The man who never drinks without offering a toast. New Year's eve on Broadway. Comic-opera drinking songs. A vote on the next Constitutional amendment. 

BLUCK--"Why do vessels leaving New York make the greatest speed thefirst three miles?"

BLYNK--"The bartenders help stoke. "

"Do you find that prohibition has deprest Crimson Gulch?"

"No, " answered Cactus Joe. "We're more cheerful than usual. Everybodyseems to think it's a great joke on all the rest of the boys. "

"_Going Up_"

SMITH--"Do you realize that we are beholding the completion of a greatcycle in history?"

JONES--"Explain. "

"Three hundred and six years ago the island of Manhattan was boughtfrom the Indians for six quarts of whisky. "

"Well?"

"Well?--Within six months, maybe, the descendants of those Indianswill be able to buy it back for the same price. "

I, U. S. Boose, realizing that the jag is up, declare this to bemy last will and testament: To my beloved Cocktail I bequeaththree-fourths of my evil estate, and to my faithful Highball I leavea large share of the blame. To my sister, Wine, I give the familygrapevine and kitchen still. To my cousin, Cider, I bequeath the oldapple orchard and enough wormy fruit to keep the country moist and mymemory green. 

"So you're a moonshiner?" remarked the interested tourist. The lankymountaineer drew himself up haughtily. 

"Mister, you got me wrong, " he asserted. "Since prohibition come inwe-uns call ourselves irrigation engineers. "

 _Discovery_

 I met a man Who knows a woman Who has a sister Who is married to a man Who is related to a girl Who knows a man Who knows a man Who has never pulled a prohibition joke. I shall try to trace him. 

And when the nations disarm, some statesman will slip in a jokerpermitting the building of battleships for medicinal purposes. 

A drunkard of long standing has been reformed by an operation whichremoved a bone that pressed against the brain. The Detroit News alsoreports a number of cures effected by the removal of a brass rail thatwas pressing against the foot. 

"Having any success with your garden?"

"The best ever, " replied Mr. Jagsby. 

"What are you raising?"

"Nothing. But if I hadn't had a row with one of my new neighbors overhis chickens and then a reconciliation I might not have discoveredthat he had a well-stocked cellar. "

PROMOTERS

The man who was selling oil stock was asked if there were anyindications of oil where his company was drilling. 

"Indications!" he said. "Why, I should say so. We have three thousandacres leased, have a standard rig up, have three hundred feet ofcasing on the ground and more ordered, have our company organizedand incorporated and a million shares of stock printed, have openedoffices in three cities, have two hundred people selling stock, areonly forty miles from a pipe line, and there was no oil found in thoseother wells about there, so it must be in our well. Oh, we have plentyof indications. How many shares do you want?"

"Pop, what is a promoter?"

"A promoter, my son, is a man who can make either a dollar or a pennylook like thirty cents. "--_Life_. 

PROMPTNESS

On the occasion of the death of a chief of one of the departmentbureaus in Washington, a clerk in that bureau was dashing madly downthe street when he was stopped by a friend, who asked: "Why the deuceare you in such a tearing hurry?"

"I am going, " explained the clerk, "to the funeral of my chief, andthere is nothing he hates like unpunctuality. "

"I'm sorry to find the baroness out. Don't forget to tell her Icalled, will you?"

"No, sir, I'll tell her at once. "

PRONUNCIATION

"Wasn't it _fearful_ about the Reims cathedral?"

"Don't say Reems; it sounds _horribly_ ignorant. "

"Well, how do you pronounce it?"

"Why, _Hranss_. "

_"How?"_

"Hn--Hranhss! Just as if you were clearing your throat. See? Hranss!"

"Well, _you_ sound as if you had a dreadful influenza, threatened withgrip!"

"Well, that's right, anyhow. H--hn--hnh--_hrahnhss_!"

"You'd better go to Arizona! You'll _never_ get well here! I don'tbelieve you, anyway. Everybody says _Reems_. "

"They don't, either!"

"They do so!"

"Oh, well, it depends on the sort of people you associate with--"

"Well, I _don't_ go with a lot of fake highbrows, anxious to show offthe French they learned in a course of lessons by mail--"

"Better than a lot of country junks who don't know how to pronounce--"

"Oh, well, the church wasn't hurt much, anyhow. "

"No, they say it can be repaired. How do you like my hat?"

"Heavenly! What do you think of mine?"

"Adorable! Let's go in and have soda. "

"Let's. "--_Carolyn Wells_. 

PROPERTY

"Property is the fruit of labor; property is desirable; is a positivegood in the world. That some should be rich shows that othersmay become rich, and hence is just encouragement to industry andenterprise. Let not him who is houseless pull down the house ofanother, but let him work diligently and build one for himself, thusby example assuring that his own shall be safe from violence whenbuilt. "--_Abraham Lincoln_. 

PROPOSALS

"No, " said the positive girl, "I will never tie myself down to oneman. "

"Perhaps, " he replied sarcastically, "if I organize a syndicate youwill consider our offer. "

MERCHANT (to applicant for job)--"Sorry, but I only employ marriedmen. "

APPLICANT-"Do you happen to have a daughter, sir?"

"I love you! I love you!" he murmured for the nineteenth time. "Speak!Answer me!"

The maiden coyly hung her head. 

"I--oh, Tom, this is so sudden!" she pleaded. 

He drew her close to him. 

"Don't be afraid, darling!" he said gently. "Would you like me to askyour mother first?"

With a sudden cry of alarm she threw her arms around his neck. 

"No, no!" she gasped. "Mother is a widow. I want you myself!"

"Yes, she rejected me, but she did it in a most encouraging way. "

"How was that?"

"As I went away, she pointed to the footprints that I had made on thecarpet, and said: 'The next time you come to propose to me, I want youto wipe your shoes clean!'"

Long had he worshipped her at a distance, but his shyness preventedhim from proposing. Then, one evening, for the sake of sweet charity, a theatrical performance took place, in which the charmer was leadinglady and more adorable than ever. Afterward the shy admirer drew near, his love made valiant by the sight of her beauty. "You are the star ofthe evening, " he said as they stood alone in a corner. 

"You are the first to tell me so, " said the damsel with a happy blush. 

"Then, " he retorted promptly, "may I not claim my reward as anastronomer?"

The lady looked puzzled. "What reward?" she asked. 

"Why, the right to give my name to the star I have discovered!"

"So you want to marry Alice, do you?" asked the girl's father of heryoung man. 

"Very much indeed, " replied the youth. 

"Can you support a family?"

The young man reflected a moment, and then asked, "How many are thereof you, sir?"

FRANK--"When you proposed to her I suppose she said: 'This is sosudden?'"

ERNEST--"No, she was honest and said: 'This suspense has beenterrible. '"

One evening some time since John Henry called on the darling of hisheart, and while talking to the fair one he casually referred to someof the hardships of the present day. 

"I see, Gladys, " he remarked, "that the price of coal has gone upagain, and that it is hard to get at any price. "

"Has it?" responded Gladys, without showing any great concern. 

"Yes, " answered John Henry, "and they say they are also advancinghouse rents, while sugar--"

"Look here, John Henry!" suddenly interjected the fair one, with awithering expression. "If you want to break off our engagement, sayso, but don't try to beat around the bush in such a cowardly way. "

"Will you have me for your wife?" said the leap-year maiden, sweetly. 

"Since you have suggested it, I will, " he replied. "But just remember, Mame, if I don't turn out to be all you expect you have only yourselfto blame. "

The pretty girl of the party was bantering the genial bachelor on hisreasons for remaining single. 

"No-o-o, I never was exactly disappointed in love, " he meditated. "Iwas more what you might call discouraged. You see, when I was veryyoung I became very much enamored of a young lady of my acquaintance;I was mortally afraid to tell her of my feeling, but at last I screwedup my courage to the proposing point. I said, 'Let's get married. '

"And she said, 'Good Lord! Who'd have us!'"--_Everybody's_. 

HE (cautiously)--"Would you say 'Yes' if I asked you to marry me?"

SHE (still more cautiously)--"Would you ask me to marry you if I saidI would say 'Yes' if you asked me to marry you?"

"Congratulate me, Freddy. Last night your sister promised to marryme. "

"Oh, she promised mother she'd marry you long ago. "--_Life_. 

HE-"I called to see your father this afternoon. "

SHE (fluttering visibly)-"Oh, did you?"

HE--"Yes; he has been owing our firm a little bill for some time. "

"So you want to marry my daughter, " said Mr. Cumrox. 

"Yes, " replied the young man. "I hope to hear you say take her and behappy!"

"No, sir. I'm not going to shoulder any implied responsibilities. AllI am going to say is 'take her. '"

HARRY--"Marry me and your smallest wishes will always be fulfilled. "

CARRIE--"I am able to do that myself. What I want is a man who willgratify my biggest wishes. "

"I was speaking with your father last night, " he said at last, somewhat inanely. 

"Oh, were you?" answered the sweet young thing, lowering her eyes. "Er--what were you--er--talking about?"

"About the war in Europe. Your father said that he hoped the fightingwould soon be over. "

The sweet young thing smiled. 

"Yes, " she remarked. "I know he's very much opposed to longengagements. "

PROSPERITY

For some people half the battle consists in looking prosperous; theother half, in getting credit on the strength of such prosperity. 

PSYCHOLOGICAL MOMENT

We all "ketch" 'em at the psychological moment:

The doctor, when they think they are going to die. 

The lawyer, when they think they are going to be sent to jail. 

The dentist, when they think a tooth is going to blow off their heads. 

The tax collector, when they think they are going to be sold out. 

The garage man, when they think they are going to have a blow-out. 

The captain, when they think the major is on their trail. 

The undertaker, when they don't think any more!

PSYCHOLOGY

"Father, " said the small boy, "what is psychology?"

"Psychology, my son, is a word of four syllables that you ring in todistract attention when the explaining gets difficult. "

A small boy seated on the curb by a telephone-pole, with a tin can byhis side, attracted the attention of an old gentleman who happened tobe passing. 

"Going fishing?" he inquired, good-naturedly. 

"Nope, " the youngster replied. "Take a peek in there. "

An investigation showed the can to be partly filled with caterpillarsof the tussock moth. 

"What in the world are you doing with them?"

"They crawl up trees and eat off the leaves. "

"So I understand. "

"Well, I'm fooling a few of them. "

"How?"

"Sending 'em up this telephone-pole. "--_Judge_. 

PUBLIC, THE

What the country needs is not a phonographic record to preserve acandidate's voice, but something to preserve what's left of the voiceof the people. 

 _The Ultimate Victim_

 When capital wants extra gains. On profits tightens all the reins, Who has to suffer all the pains? The public. 

 When labor gets dissatisfied, And would conditions override, Who gets submerged beneath the tide? The public. 

 When strikes put up the price of food, And each side holds firm attitude, Who always has to make loss good? The public. 

 When street-cars cease to run, and balk At all conciliation talk, Who has to pay the freight and walk? The public. 

 When managers and actors fight And theaters are closed at night, Who sees amusement out of sight? The public. 

 Who in disputes which rise each day, Is not permitted any say, But always loses either way? The public. 

The public! the public! How many fools does it take to make up apublic?--_Chamfort_. 

PUBLIC SCHOOLS

At a teachers' institute in an Eastern city a speaker said that, inhis opinion, "the trouble with the public-school system of today is:The teachers are afraid of the principals, the principals are afraidof the superintendent, he is afraid of the school committee, they areafraid of the parents, the parents are afraid of the children, and thechildren are afraid of nobody!"

PUBLIC SPEAKERS

A captain in the merchant marine who received much commendationfor his wonderful courage and endurance during the war was asked toaddress a meeting in the West. Ex-President Taft spoke first andat considerable length, and when he had finished the audience rose, almost to a man, to leave the building. The chairman sprang to hisfeet, rushed to the edge of the platform, and called excitedly: "Comeback and take your seats. Come back, every one of you! This man wentthrough hell for us during the war, and it is up to us now to do thesame for him. "

"Ladies and gentlemen, " said the chairman of the evening, "in a fewminutes I shall introduce the gentleman who is to address you. It isnot my function to deliver a speech at this time, but I shall justuse up five or ten minutes so that you may know how good a speech youwould have had to listen to were I the speaker and he the chairman. "

"Have you ever taken a tail-spin in an airplane?"

"No, but I've been called upon unexpectedly to make a speech, and Iguess the sensation is about the same. "

"It must break the theme of your lecture to be interrupted by youraudience. "

"The secret of success for a lecturer, my boy, " replied the foreignvisitor, "is not to have a theme. "

"That speaker certainly made a hit. "

"What did he talk about?"

"About ten minutes. "

EMPLOYER (coming upon colored porter looking through thedictionary)--"What are you doing, Sam; looking up some more big wordsfor another speech?"

"No, sah. 'Tain't that. Ah's jes' translatin' the speech ah made las'night. "

CHAIRMAN (of public banquet)--"Gentlemen, before I introduce the nextspeaker, there will be a short recess, giving you all a chance to goout and stretch your legs. "

GUEST--"Who is the next speaker?"

CHAIRMAN--"Before telling you who he is, I would rather wait until youcome back. "--_Life_. 

William Lyon Phelps, professor of English Literature at Yale, declareshe gets credit for only 25 per cent of the after-dinner speeches heactually makes. "Every time I accept an invitation to speak, I reallymake four addresses. First, is the speech I prepare in advance. Thatis pretty good. Second, is the speech I really make. Third, is thespeech I make on the way home, which is the best of all; and fourth, is the speech the newspapers next morning say I made, which bears norelation to any of the others. "

"What would be a good way to raise revenue and still benefit thepeople?"

"Tax every speech made in this country. "

"Many's de speech I has listened to, " said Uncle Eben, "dat left mewonderin' whether I was gettin' infohmation or entertainment. "

A noted Frenchman, on visiting England was asked to speak at abanquet. Being interested in his subject he spoke at great length. Suddenly realizing another speaker was to follow him he closed hisremarks with an apology, saying "I am very sorry but there is anotherspeaker and I am afraid I have cockroached on his time. "

A burst of laughter greeted this remark and in much confusion heturned to the Englishman next to him and asked what break he had made. 

The Englishman, in a reassuring manner, said "It wasn't exactlya break only here in England we don't say cockroach, we say'h--encroach. '"

A political meeting was on in a certain Iowa town and Thomas R. Marshall, Vice-President of the United States, was to speak. Thehall was packed and the air was stifling. For some reason, it wasimpossible to open the windows, and one had to be broken. 

It was feared that the noise would startle the audience and perhapsthrow them into a panic. The mayor of the town stepped forward to givewarning. The audience, however, had not assembled to listen to themayor, and overwhelmed him with cries of "Marshall! Marshall!"

Silence was not restored till the infuriated official yelled at thetop of his voice:

"I'm not going to make a speech! I have something to say!"

"Do you know what it is to go before an audience?"

"No. I spoke before an audience once, but most of it went before Idid. "

A lank, disconsolate-looking farmer, stood on the steps of the townhall during the progress of a political meeting. 

"Do you know who's talking in there now?" demanded a stranger, briskly, pausing for a moment beside the farmer. "Or are you justgoing in?"

"No, sir; I've just come out, " said the farmer, decidedly. "Congressman Smiffkins is talking in there. "

"What about?" asked the stranger. 

"Well, " continued the countryman, passing a knotted hand across hisforehead, "he didn't say. "

"You haven't had much to say lately, " commented the old friend. 

"True, " replied Senator Sorghum. "But you must give me credit for onething--I realized the fact and kept still. "

Captain "Ian Hay, " on one of his war lecture tours, entered a barber'sshop in a small town to have his hair cut. 

"Stranger in the town, sir?" the barber asked. 

"Yes, I am, " Ian Hay replied. "Anything going on here tonight?"

"There's a war lecture by an English fighter named Hay, " said thebarber: "but if you go you'll have to stand, for every seat in thehall is sold out. "

"Well, now, " said Ian Hay, "isn't that provoking? It's always my luckto have to stand when that Hay chap lectures. "

_See also_ Politicians. 

PUBLISHERS

He was a typical gamin, so diminutive in stature that I had to stoopto interrogate him, which I did in this way:

"Where do you get your papers, my little man?"

"Oh, I buy 'em in the Times alley. "

"What do you pay for them?"

"Fi' cents. "

"What do you sell them for?"

"Fi' cents. "

"You don't make anything at that?"

"Nope. "

"Then what do you sell them for?"

"Oh, just to get a chance to holler. "

PUNCTUALITY

 _Epitaph for Any New Yorker_

 I, who all my life had hurried, Came to Peter's crowded gate; And, as usual, was worried, Fearing that I might be late

 So, when I began to jostle (I forgot that I was dead) Patient smiled the old Apostle: "Take your Eternity, " he said. 

 --_Christopher Morley_. 

_See also_ Alarm clocks. 

PUNCTUATION

"Can't you stretch a point?"

"Certainly, " said the period. And thus was born the comma. 

A high-school girl said to her father the other night:

"Daddy, I've got a sentence here I'd like you to punctuate. You knowsomething about punctuation, don't you?"

"A little, " said her cautious parent, as he took the slip of paper shehanded him. 

This is what he read:

"A five-dollar bill flew around the corner"

He studied it carefully. 

"Well, " he finally said, "I'd simply put a period after it, likethis. "

"I wouldn't, " said the high-school girl; "I'd make a dash after it!"

PUNISHMENT

In one of the many navy schools a young instructor was attempting toteach English to a gruff old sailor. "What is a complete sentence?" hesaid. 

"Solitary confinement, bread and water, " was the grim reply. 

Among the Monday morning culprits haled before a Baltimore policemagistrate was a darky with no visible means of support. 

"What occupation have you here in Baltimore?" asked his Honor. 

"Well, jedge, " said the darky, "I ain't doin' much at present--jestcirculatin' round, suh. "

His Honor turned to the clerk of the court and said:

"Please enter the fact that this gentleman has been retired fromcirculation for sixty days. "

"Germany is going to be badly surprised when the Allies' peace termsare read to her. The peace terms are very severe--just, but verysevere. "

The speaker was Assistant Secretary of the Navy Roosevelt. He went on:

"Germany is going to feel like Rastus Rosin, who was convicted ofstealing a hog. 

"'Rastus, ' the judge said to him, 'you are fined $5. '

"'Jedge, ' said Rastus, 'Ah'm obliged to ye. Ah got dat five spot righthere in mah left-hand vest-pocket. '

"'Well, ' continued the judge, 'just dig down in your right-handvest-pocket, Rastus, and see if you can find thirty days. '"

Mamie had been naughty and her mother finally had recourse to thetime-honored remedy in such cases. 

"Mamma, " she sobbed, "did Gran'ma spank you when you was little?"

"Yes, dear, " said her mother, "she did when I was naughty. "

"And did her mother spank her?"

"Yes. "

"An" was she spanked, too, when she was bad?"

"Yes. "

"Well, who started this blamed thing anyhow?"

"Judge, " said the man at the bar, "there's no use of you trying tosquare this thing up. My wife and I fight just so often and just solong, and we can't help it. So there you are. "

"And about how long do you keep it up?" asked the judge. 

"About two weeks, judge. "

"All right. I'll give you fifteen days in jail; in other words, youare interned for the duration of the war. "

VISITOR (comforting Tommy, who has upset a bottle of ink on the newcarpet)--"Never mind, my boy; no use to cry over spilled milk. "

TOMMY (indignantly)--"Any dunce would know that. If it's milk that'sspilled all you have to do is to call the cat an' she'll lick it upcleaner'n anything. But this ain't milk, an' mother'll do the lickin', is what ails me. "

"Quite a good epigram, that, " said the tramp, who had been convictedfor vagrancy. 

"What did he say?" asked the tramp's pal. 

"Seven days. "

"How d'you make that out an epigram?"

"Why, " said the tramp, "I once asked a parson what an epigram was, andhe said 'It's a short sentence that sounds light, but gives you plentyto think about. '"

PARSON WHITE--"Brudder Lamkins, how did yer son come outen de trial?"

BRO. LAMKINS--"De Jedge done give 'im two mumfs in de jayul. "

PARSON WHITE--"'Pears ter me like as if you outer be pow'ful thankful. He got off mighty light, he did. "

BRO. LAMKINS--"'Twan't 's light's you seem to think. Dey's agwinterhang 'im when de two mumfs is up. "

"Rastus, " said the judge sternly, "you're plain no-account andshiftless, and for this fight I'm going to send you away for a year athard labor. "

"Please, Jedge, " interrupted Mrs. Rastus from the rear of the courtroom, "will yo' Honah jes' kinder split dat sentence? Don't send himaway from home, but let dat hard labor stand. "

A German spy caught redhanded was on his way to be shot. 

"I think you English are brutes, " he growled, "to march me throughthis rain and slush. "

"Well, " said the "Tommy" who was escorting him, "what about me? I haveto go back in it. "

_See also_ Marriage. 

PUNS

"Have you a little fairy in your home?"

"No, but I have a little miss in my engine. "

SMALL SCOUT--"Dad, what are the silent watches of the night?"

INDULGENT FATHER--"They are the ones which their owners forgot towind, my son. "

"Here, boy, " said the man to the boy who was helping him drive a bunchof cattle, "hold this bull a minute, will you?"

"No, " answered the boy, "I don't mind bein' a director in thiscompany, but I'm darned if I want to be a stockholder. "

MA--"You've been drinking. I smell it in your breath. " PA--"Not adrop. I've been eating frog's legs. What you smell is the hops. "

PROF. --"What happened to Babylon?"

FRESH. --"It fell. "

PROF. --"What happened to Tyre?"

FRESH. --"It was punctured. "

That was a good, though rather a severe pun, which was made by astudent in one of our theological seminaries (and he was not oneof the brightest of the class, either), when he asked, "Why isProfessor---- the greatest revivalist of the age?" and on all "givingit up, " said, "Because at the close of every sermon there is a 'GreatAwakening. '"

PURGATORY

MARMADUKE ISOLATE (of Lonelyville). --"Pa, what is Purgatory?"

MR. ISOLATE (wearily). --"Purgatory? Why, Purgatory is a sort of suburbof Heaven. "

QUAKERS

After a long essay on the Quakers, taken largely from theencyclopedia, a Western schoolboy finished off with this originalthought. "Quakers never quarrel, never get into fights, and neverscratch. " Then, seeking for a demonstration of the fact and a finaltouch, he added: "Pa is a Quaker, but I kinda think that Ma isn't. "

QUESTIONS

"You understand your duties thoroughly, don't you?" she said to thenew footman. 

"Yes, ma'am, certainly, ma'am. "

"And you know your way to announce?"

"Well, ma'am, I shouldn't perhaps like to go quite so far as that, butI think I know my weight to a pound or so. "

"Father, is the zebra a black animal with white stripes or a whiteanimal with black stripes?"

"Has Jobkins any money?" asked Hickenlooper. 

"Oh, he must have, " said Garroway. 

"Oh, we all must have--but have we?" said Hickenlooper. 

There is an elevator boy in a New York office building, who is among alarge number of public servants that resent needless questions. 

One day there entered his car a rather fussy old lady, and garrulousas well. 

"Don't you ever feel sick going up and down in this elevator all day?"she asked. 

"Yes, ma'am, " said the boy. 

"Is it the motion going down?"

"No, ma'am. "

"The motion going up?"

"No, ma'am. "

"Is it the stopping that does it?"

"No, ma'am. "

"Then what is it?"

"Answering questions, ma'am. "

"My father and I know everything in the world, " said a small boy tohis companion. 

"All right, " said the latter. "Where's Asia?"

It was a stiff question, but the little fellow answered coolly: "Thatis one of the questions my father knows. "

Owen Wister, the novelist, apropos of useless questions, once told ofa man who stood before a mirror in his room, his face lathered and anopen razor in his hand. His wife came in. She looked at him and said, "Are you shaving?" The man, a foe to surplusage, replied fiercely, "No; I am blacking the kitchen range. Where are you--out driving or ata four-o'clock tea?"

_See also_ Curiosity. 

RADICALS

A radical is a man without a sense of humor; a conservative is onewithout a sense of the ridiculous. 

RAILROADS

"Where's the president of this railroad?" asked the man who called atthe general offices. 

"He's down in Washington, attendin' th' session o' some kind uv aninvestigatin' committee, " replied the office boy. 

"Where is the general manager?"

"He's appearin' before th' Interstate Commerce Commission. "

"Well, where's the general superintendent?"

"He's at th' meetin" of th' legislature, fightin' some bum new law. "

"Where is the head of the legal department?"

"He's in court, tryin' a suit. "

"Then where is the general passenger agent?"

"He's explainin' t' th' commercial travelers why we can't reduce th'fare. "

"Where is the general freight agent?"

"He's gone out in th' country t' attend a meeting o' th' grange an'tell th' farmers why we ain't got no freight-cars. "

"Who's running the blame railroad, anyway?"

"The newspapers and th' legislatures. "

An old Cornish woman who had never before traveled by rail went to acountry station to catch a train. She sat herself down on a seatin the station, and after sitting there for about two hours, thestation-master came up to her and asked where she was going. On hertelling him, he said:

"Why, my good woman, the train has just gone, and there isn't anotherfor a long time!"

"Why, lor'!" says the old lady, "I thought the whole consarn moved!"

"What good, " asked the angry would-be passenger, "are the figures setdown in these railway time-tables?"

"Why, " patiently explained the genial agent, "if it weren't for themfigures we'd have no way of findin' out how late the train is. "

The American in the first-class carriage of an English train insistedon smoking. An angry Englishman protested, and when about to appealto the guard the American got ahead of him with the remark: "Guard, I think you will find that that gentleman is traveling with athird-class ticket on him. "

It proved to be true, and the sputtering Britisher was put out. 

A spectator of the incident asked the American how he knew about theticket. 

"Well, " explained the composed stranger, "it was sticking out of hispocket and I noticed that it was the same color as mine. "

A new railroad through Louisiana strikes some of the towns about amile from the business center, so it is necessary to run a bus line. A salesman stopping in one of the towns asked the old darky bus driverabout it:

"Say, uncle, why have they got the depot way down here?"

After a moment's hesitation the old darky replied: "Ah dunno, boss, unless dey wanted to git it on de railroad. "

Picking her way daintily through the locomotive plant, a young womanvisitor viewed the huge operations with awe. Finally, she turned to ayoung man who was showing her through, and asked:

"What is that big thing over there?"

"That's a locomotive-boiler, " he replied. She puckered her brows. 

"And what do they boil locomotives for?"

"To make the locomotive tender, " and the young man from the officenever smiled. 

"What kind of a plant is the Virginia creeper?"

"It isn't a plant; it's a railroad. "

The president of a certain railway in Kentucky which is only ten mileslong, was exchanging annual passes one year with officials of otherrailways. 

He enclosed an annual pass on his railway to Stuyvesant Fish, thenpresident of the Illinois Central Railway, for himself and family, with the request that Fish reciprocate. 

It seems that Fish had never heard of the Kentucky road, so heinstructed his secretary to look it up. As a result the pass wasreturned with the following curt letter:

DEAR SIR:

I find that your railroad is only ten miles long, while my road iseleven hundred miles long. I herewith return your pass made out in favor of myself and family. Yours truly, STUYVESANT FISH. 

This was too much for the old Kentucky colonel, who made the followingnotation on Fish's letter and sent it back:

"You go to hell--_my railroad is as_ WIDE _as yours_". 

He received the Illinois Central pass by return mail. 

"Conductor!" shouted a passenger on the back-country train. 

"That was my station, sir! Why didn't you stop?"

"We don't stop there any longer, " said the conductor. "You see, theengineer is mad with the station agent!"

"Now will this train reach its destination on time?"

"We hope so, but we don't guarantee it. "

"You mean you sell me a ticket to get to a certain place by a certaintime and then you give me no assurance I'll be there at that time?"

"That's about it. "

"Well, I'll take the ticket. But I'll get even! I won't guarantee I'llbe here when your darned old unguaranteed train is ready to start, soI won't!"

"We are twenty minutes late, " remarked the passenger. "Will we make itup before we reach New York?"

"No, sah; no, sah, " answered the porter. "No, sah. The engineer andfireman get time and a half for overtime. "

READING

_See_ Books and reading

REAL ESTATE

"It is very strange that no one has ever been able to find CaptainKidd's treasure. "

"Oh, well, Captain Kidd isn't the only man who has put his money intoreal estate and couldn't get it out. "

REAL ESTATE AGENTS

STEVE--"That Smith guy of the Meadow Bottom Development Company hasgot the fastest car in this neck of the country. He makes ninety milesan hour. "

HANK--"Some car! What's he want of such a speed demon?"

STEVE--"He's gotta have it when he's advertising his development asbeing five minutes from the station. "

A house-hunter, getting off a train at a suburban station, said to aboy standing near:

"My boy, I am looking for Mr. Smith's new block of semi-detachedhouses. How far are they from here?"

"About twenty minutes' walk, " said the boy. 

"Twenty minutes!" exclaimed the house-hunter. "Nonsense! Theadvertisement said five. "

"Well, " replied the boy, "yer kin believe me or the advertisement, whichever yer want. But I ain't tryin' to make no sale. "

"Look here, you swindler!" roared the owner of the suburban propertyto the real-estate man. "When you sold me this house, didn't you saythat in three months I wouldn't part with it for $10, 000?"

"Certainly, " said the real-estate dealer calmly, "and you haven't, have you?"

REALISM

Things that are what they appear to be are so rare that one cannottell them when one sees them. 

RECOMMENDATIONS

"Eh-yah! Young Doc. Purt is a pretty good doctor, " admitted thelandlord of the Petunia tavern, in reply to the inquiry of a guest whofelt the need of a physician's advice. "In spite of all the money he'sspent for electrical apparatus and the fact that he wears one ofthese 'ere three-cornered vanduct beards, there have been no unusuallydistressing deaths in our midst during the six months he has been withus. "

The applicant for the job of office-boy presented his credentials ina manner that bespoke his entire confidence that the position would behis. The sour-looking old gentleman at the head of the establishmentread the paper carefully and then surveyed the boy searchingly. 

"It is certainly a very nice thing for you to have theserecommendations from the minister of your church and yourSunday-school teacher, " said he, "and I must admit that you lookhonest. All the same, I'd like to have a few words from someone thatknows you on week-days. "--_Harper's_. 

"You say you have good references?"

"Yes, ma'am. I have over a 'undred splendid references. "

"And how long have you been in domestic service?"

"Two years, ma'am. "

A prominent New England educator tells of a Chinese cook in Manilawho was innocently carrying about a reference, written by a saturnineEnglishman, with which he expected to secure a good position. Thereference read as follows:

"This man cooked for me six months; it seemed much longer. He left onaccount of illness--my illness. "

"Have you any references?" inquired the lady of the house. 

"Yis, mum, lots of thim, " answered the prospective maid. 

"Then why did you not bring some of them with you?"

"Well, mum, to tell the troot, they're just loike my photygraphs. Noneof thim don't do me justice. "

Here is a letter of recommendation given by a butcher to a formeremployee:

"Whomsoefer is de boss--

"Dear Sir--Dis is to testify dot Hans Snyder vorked for me von week. Ven he left I was perfectly satisfied. "

RECRUITING

POLICEMAN (rounding up draft suspects)--"Have you got a card?"

THE SUSPECTED ONE (with suitcase)--"A whole case of 'em! Which do youwant to see--draft, registration, meat, sugar, calling, milk, playing, or postal-card?"--_Judge_. 

"Before I left the United States, " said Col. George Harvey recently inLondon, "I agreed with a Columbia professor who said preponderant powerin men and money was bound to win the war; but now I have a strongerargument--one which fell from the lips of a recruiting-sergeant in theStrand yesterday. 

"'Don't you want to be on the winning side?' said the soldier to agroup of civilians who he was suggesting should don khaki. 

"'How do you know ours will be the winning side?' asked a prospectiverecruit. 

"'Well, my lad, ' said the sergeant, 'you know the Germans have beentrying for more than a year and a half to win and have failed, don'tyou?"

"'Yes, ' replied the questioner. 

"'Well, then, we've been trying to lose during the same period and wecouldn't. '"

United States Senator Howard Sutherland, of West Virginia, tells astory about a mountain youth who visited a recruiting-office in theSenator's State for the purpose of enlisting in the regular Army. Theexamining physician found the young man as sound as a dollar, but thathe had flat feet. 

"I'm sorry, " said the physician, "but I'll have to turn you down. You've got flat feet. "

The mountaineer looked sorrowful. "No way for me to git in it, then?"he inquired. 

"I guess not. With those flat feet of yours you wouldn't be able tomarch even five miles. "

The youth from the mountains studied a moment. Finally he said: "I'lltell you why I hate this so darned bad. You see, I walked nigh onto one hundred and fifteen miles over the mountains to git here, andgosh, how I hate to walk back!"

RECRUITING OFFICER--"What's the good of coming here and saying you'reonly seventeen years old! Go and walk around that yard and come backand see if you're not nineteen. "--_Punch_. 

_See also_ Conscription. 

RED TAPE

America consumes more red dye than any other color. This, as you areaware, is the color chosen for government tape in Washington. 

REGRETS

_Who Am I?_

I am frequently most potent in the morning, but I am willing to abidewith you at any time. 

I am what you feel if you get married or if you do not get married. 

I am what the after-dinner speaker says he feels because he cameunprepared, and what the listeners show they feel without saying it. 

I come to you when youth leaves you. 

I am yours when that sarcastic person drops a remark which you cannotfittingly answer, and I am doubled when you are later alone and thinkof just the brilliant retort you should have given. 

I am what overwhelms you when you suffer an overwhelming financialloss. 

I am the vainest of the vain. 

I am regret!

MRS. EXE--"Here's an invitation from Mrs. Boreleigh to one of hertiresome dinners. I hate them. "

EXE--"Why not plead that you have a previous engagement?"

MRS. EXE--"That would be a lie. Edith dear, write Mrs. Boreleigh thatwe accept with pleasure. "

RELATIVES

"Have you any relatives living in the country?"

"No; whenever we take a vacation we have to pay our own board. "

"Old Millyuns says that since he made his pile of money he feels likea neutral nation. "

"Why is that?"

"Because he has so many diplomatic relations. "--_Judge_. 

RELIGIONS

Rowland Hill, when some persons entered his chapel to avoid the rainthat was falling, quietly observed, "Many persons are to be blamedfor making their religion a cloak, but I do not think those are muchbetter who make it an umbrella. "

A man in the threadbare coat and a week's beard came out of a downtownmission where he had signed the pledge and joined the church, only tobe nabbed for theft a half hour later. 

"Why did you make off with the pocketbook you saw this lady drop inthe street?" demanded the Judge in court. 

"It's all the minister's fault, " declared the thief in deprecation. "Iwent to him discouraged and out of money, and he told me I must learnto take things as I found them. "

Dr. Lyman P. Powell gives some examples of the lengths to which pettybitterness between sects will sometimes carry men. "A visitor in acertain town which had four churches and adequately supported none, asked a pillar of one poor dying church, 'How's your church gettingon?' 'Not very well, ' was the reply, 'but, thank the Lord, the othersare not doing any better. '"

REMEDIES

A Chinaman was asked if there were good doctors in China. 

"Good doctors!" he exclaimed, "China have best doctors in world. HangChang one good doctor; he great; save life, to me. "

"You don't say so! How was that?"

"Me velly bad, " he said. "Me callee Doctor Han Kon. Give somemedicine. Get velly, velly ill. Me callee Doctor San Sing. Give moremedicine. Me glow worse--go die. Blimebly callee Doctor Hang Chang. Hegot no time; no come. Save life. "

The other day a negro went into a drug store and said:

"Ah wants one ob dem dere plasters you stick on yoah back. "

"I understand, " said the clerk, "You mean one of our porous plasters?"

"No, sab, I don't want none ob your porous plasters, I wants de bes'one you got. "

A Swedish farmer, who lived on his wheat farm in Minnesota, was takenill and his wife telephoned the doctor. 

"If you have a thermometer, " answered the physician, "take histemperature. I will be out and see him presently. "

An hour or so later when the doctor drove up, the woman met him at thedoor. 

"How is he?" asked the doctor. 

"Veil, " said she, "I bane put the barometer on him like you tell me, and it say 'Very dry, ' so I give him a pitcher of water to drink, andnow he ban gone back to vork. "

BESSIE--"The doctor says mamma must take a constitutional everymorning. What's that mean?"

BOBBY--"That means walking. "

BESSIE--"Then why didn't he say walk?"

BOBBY--"I don't know, but I guess maybe if he called it that hecouldn't charge for it. "

REMINDERS

HE (to wife who is off for the beach)--"Now, don't forget me, dear. "

SHE--"As if I could, Jack. The surf at night sounds just like yousnoring. "

The late Horace Hutton used to say that having to take a littletrouble would impress a fact on any one's memory so that he wouldnever be able to forget it. In illustration he would tell this story:

"Our waitress, Maggie, could never remember to put salt on the table, and time after time Mrs. Hutton would remind her to do it. Onemorning it was absent, as usual, and I said, 'Maggie, where is thestepladder?'

"'It's in the pantry, sir!'

"'Please bring it in, Maggie, ' I said kindly. 

"Maggie brought it in with a look of wonder on her face. 

"'Put it right beside the table, ' I commanded, and when she had doneso I added: 'Now, I want you to climb up to the top of it, look allover the table and see if there is any salt there. '

"Maggie never forgot the salt again. "

"What's that piece of cord tied around your finger for?"

"My wife put it there to remind me to post a letter. "

"And did you post it?"

"No; she forgot to give it to me. "

CONDUCTOR--"Do you mind if I put your bag out of the way, sir? Peoplecoming in are falling over it. "

TRAVELER--"You leave it where it is. If nobody falls over it I shallforget it's there. "

REPARTEE

"Pa, what is repartee?"

"Oh, merely an insult with its dress-suit on, my son. "--_Puck_. 

FIRST STUDENT--"The idea; my napkin is damp!"

SECOND STUDENT--"Perhaps that's because there is so much due on yourboard. "

The big man with the I-know-it-all expression sneeringly watched thelittle man who was eating from a sack of peanuts. 

"Down where I come from we use peanuts to fatten hogs, " remarked thebig man. 

"That so?" asked the little man. "Here, have some. "

EINSTEIN--"I hear you already, and I dinks you vas talking toyourself. "

ROSENBERG--"You vas a liar and a scoundrel! Do you hear dot?"

"What would you say, " began the voluble prophet, "if I were to tellyou that in a very short space of time all the rivers will dry up?"

"I would say, " replied the patient man, "go thou and do likewise. "

"I'm tired of always being the goat!"

"Then, why don't you stop butting in?"

"Oh, say, who was here to see you last night?"

"Only Myrtle, father. "

"Well, tell Myrtle that she left her pipe on the piano. "

"Willie, your master's report of your work is very bad. Do you knowthat when Woodrow Wilson was your age he was head of the school?"

"Yes, pa; and when he was your age he was President of the UnitedStates. "

"You are an angel. "

"I guess that's right. An angel has but one gown and for her thestyles never change. "

A stern old preacher had issued to his people a command againstdancing, believing it to be a device of the devil. 

A few of the young people disobeyed and attended a dance given at aneighboring town. Finally it reached the ears of the preacher, and, meeting one of the culprits on the street one morning, he said in astern voice:

"Good morning, child of the devil!"

"Good morning, father!" smilingly answered the pretty miss. 

CUSTOMER--"The price of these shoes seems high. Wasn't there somethingsaid about a movement to have it reduced?"

CLERK--"Yes--but it's not on foot yet. "

UNCLE SILAS (visiting city relatives who use electrical appliances forcooking at the table)--"Well, I swan! You make fun of us for eatin' inthe kitchen. I don't see as it makes much difference whether you eatin the kitchen or cook in the dining-room. "--_Life_. 

There had been a quarrel. "You're no lidy, " remarked the party of thefirst part "Ah!" replied the other. "If it wasn't that I _was_ a lidy, p'raps I'd be able to tell _you_ wot kind of a lidy _you_ ain't. "

FIRST TRAVELER (cheerily)--"Fine day, isn't it?"

SECOND DITTO (haughtily)--"Sir! You have the advantage of me. I don'tknow you. "

FIRST DITTO--"Humph! I fail to see the advantage. "

"We need brains in this business, sir. "

"I know you do. The business shows it. "

"Well! well!" exclaimed Mrs. Talker, looking up from the morningpaper. "Boots and shoes should be getting much cheaper now. Here'sa paragraph that states that they are being made from all sorts ofskins, even rat skins"; and then, trying to be funny, she added, "Iwonder what they do with banana and orange skins?"

"Oh, my dear, " replied her husband, "they make slippers!"

The usual large crowd was gathered at the New York end of the BrooklynBridge waiting for trolley-cars. An elderly lady, red in the face, flustered and fussy, dug her elbows into convenient ribs irrespectiveof owners. 

A fat man on her left was the recipient of a particularly vicious jab. She yelled at him, "Say!"

He winced slightly and moved to one side. 

She, too, sidestepped and thumped him vigorously on the back. 

"Say!" she persisted, "does it make any difference which of these carsI take to Greenwood Cemetery?"

"Not to me, madam, " he answered, slipping through an opening in thecrowd. 

AUSTRALIAN SOLDIER (to American)--"You Yanks think you've done a lot, but you forget we Australians have been at the game for four years. "

"Well, what have you done, anyway?"

"Done? We've been at Gallipoli, Mesopotamia, the plains of Bethlehem, and--"

"The plains of Bethlehem?"

"Yes; I slept a week there myself. "

"Well, I guess that was a busy week for the shepherds watching theirflocks!"

Once in a while the choirs do get back at the minister, as, forexample, in a Connecticut church the other Sunday morning. Theminister announced, just after the choir had sung its anthem, as histext, "Now when the uproar had ceased. " But the singers bided theirtime patiently, and when the sermon was over, rose and rendered inmost melodious fashion another anthem beginning, "Now it is high timeto awake after sleep. "

REPORTING

A noted artist was recently visited by an interviewer, who fired athim from a question-sheet questions such as these:

"Were your parents artistic? Which of your paintings do you consideryour best work? When, where, and why did you paint it? How much didit bring you in? Who is your favorite dead master? Favorite livingmaster? What is your income from art? How much--"

But at this point the artist seized the interviewer by the arm andbegan in his turn:

"Just a moment, please. What is your name, age, and salary? Isjournalism with you a life-work or merely a means to a higher literaryend? How do you like your editor? State his faults and salary. Whatwas the best interview you ever wrote? Give a brief summary of same. Have you ever been fired? How does it feel? Where--"

But here the interviewer, jerking his arm from the painter's grasp, fled from the studio, and the artist cheerfully resumed his work. 

A "cub" reporter on a New York newspaper was sent to Paterson to writethe story of the murder by thieves, of a rich manufacturer. He spreadhimself on the details and naively concluded his account with thissentence:

"Fortunately for the deceased, he had deposited all of his moneyin the bank the day before, so he lost practically nothing but hislife. "--_Harper's_. 

_See also_ Journalism; Newspapers. 

REPUTATION

"So you come from New York, " said an English lady to a travelingAmerican. "I supposed, of course, you came from Boston. "

"Why did you think that?" inquired the New York lady. 

"Because I supposed all cultivated, intelligent Americans came fromBoston. "

"But what in the world made you think that?" was the natural question. 

"Oh, I don't know, exactly. I think it was a Boston lady who told me. "

Having heard a popular make of motor-car highly spoken of, he enteredthe depot with the idea of purchasing one. The selection was soonmade, and the customer expressed himself ready to buy if he could havea trial trip. That, the salesman explained, was impossible; the carswere sold on their reputation only. The customer declined to buywithout a trial, and was leaving the store when the chairman of thecompany entered, and the situation was explained to him. 

The chairman agreed that the salesman's attitude was correct. "But, "said he, "as I don't like turning money away, I'll take you for a runin the car myself. " The selected car was brought out, the chairmantook the driving wheel, the customer sat alongside him, and the runbegan. 

For some time she ran beautifully. Then, halfway up a hill, there wasa sudden stoppage, and, do what he would, the driver could not inducethe car to move. 

Said the customer: "A jolly good thing I insisted on a trial. "

Very red in the face, the chairman left the car, went to the frontand lifted the bonnet to see what was the matter. "Holy smoke!" heexclaimed. "She's got no engine in her. She's run two miles on nothingbut her reputation. "

REST CURE

 I wish I was a little rock On top of yonder hill A doin' nothin' all day long But just a settin' still. 

 I wouldn't eat, I wouldn't sleep I wouldn't even wash I'd set and set a thousand years And rest myself--_By Gosh!_

RESTAURANTS

A gentleman from the rural districts of Missouri recently made hisfirst visit to New York. Shortly after his arrival he went into arestaurant and ordered what seemed to him like a rather meager meal. When the bill was presented it totaled $8. 35. The Missourian looked atthe amount twice to make sure his eyes were not deceiving him. Thenhe smiled. "Waiter, " he called, "you've made a mistake. I've got moremoney than that!"

GUEST--"Look here! How long must I wait for the half-portion of duck Iordered?"

WAITER--"Till somebody orders the other half. We can't go out and killhalf a duck. "

Dr. C----, who was called to the far end of Long Island to extract anappendix, missed the last train back, stayed over night in a miserablehotel, and was waited on at breakfast by a sallow and cadaverouscountry girl. Said she:

"Boiled tongue, stewed kidneys, fried liver. "

Said he:

"Hang your symptoms! Bring me something to eat!"

"What's yours?"

"Coffee and rolls, my girl. "

One of those iron-heavy, quarter-inch, thick mugs of coffee was pushedover the counter. The fastidious person seemed dazed. He looked underthe mug and over it. 

"But where is the saucer?" he inquired. 

"We don't give no saucers here. If we did some low-brow'd come pilin'in an' drink out of his saucer, an' we'd lose a lot of our swellesttrade. "

"Do you want a steak for a dollar or a dollar and a half?" demandedthe waiter in the Central Park restaurant. 

"What's the difference?" inquired the tourist. 

"You get a sharp knife with the dollar and half steak, " explained thewaiter. 

CUSTOMER--"By Jove, I am glad to see you back. Has the strike beensettled?"

WAITER--"What strike, sir?"

CUSTOMER--"Oh, come, now. Where have you been since you took myorder?"

AFFABLE WAITER--"How did you find that steak, sir?"

GUEST--"Oh, quite accidentally. I moved that piece of potato and thereit was, underneath. "

CHAUFFEUR--"Cup of coffee, doughnuts, and some griddle cakes. "

WAITRESS--"Cylinder oil, couple of non-skid, and an order of blow-outpatches. "

RETALIATION

Even though the war was over, she decided to do her patriotic dutyalong the hospitality line. So she called the Army and Navy Club, andtransmitted her invitation through a suave-voiced officer. 

"I am Mrs. Humpfree McLeod, 33 First Avenue, " she explained, "and Ishould like to have two of your men come to dinner with us Sunday athalf-past one. "

"Yes. Thank you, Mrs. McLeod. "

"But wait--be sure, whatever you do, that they aren't Jews!"

The tone of her voice was emphatic. 

Sunday came, bringing two chocolate-colored khaki-clad privates to theMcLeod house. When Mrs. McLeod brushed into the drawing-room to greether soldiers, all a-smile, she was surprised, to put it mildly. 

"Why!" she stammered. "Why, who invited you here?"

"Our commanding officer, " explained one, "Captain Cohen. "

One morning Jorkins looked over his fence and said to his neighbor, Harkins:

"What are you burying in that hole?"

"Just replanting some of my seeds, that's all, " was the answer. 

"Seeds!" exclaimed Jorkins, angrily. "It looks more like one of myhens!"

"That's all right, " said the other. "The seeds areinside. "--_Harper's_. 

"What's coming off out in front there?" asked the proprietor of theTote Fair store in Tumlinville, Ark. 

"A couple of fellers from Straddle Ridge swapped mules, " replied theclerk, "and now each is accusing the other of skinning him. "

"Well, then, why don't they trade back?"

"I reckon they are both afraid of getting skinned again. "

MOTHER--"Joan, darling, run and call Fido, will you?"

JOAN--"I don't see how I can, mummy, 'cos I aren't speakin' to Fidosince he broke my doll!"

"It was mighty nice of you to give up your seat to that stout oldlady, Mr. Blinks. It is pleasant to see that there are still somepolite men left in the world. "

"Sorry, Mrs. Jabbers, but it wasn't politeness at all. The man who satnext to me was quarrelsome because he said I crowded him too much, and all I did was to use that stout old lady as a sort of retortcourteous. "--_Judge_. "All sorts and conditions of men have excellentexplanations for their position in life, " said the Senator. "A tramp, however, came under my observation who had no illusions about thecause of his own condition. 

"A fine looking and fashionably dressed woman had just alighted fromher limousine at the hotel entrance, and was suddenly approached bythis shabbily dressed man who requested a dime. 

"'No, I have no money to spare for you. I do not see why anable-bodied man like you should go about begging. '"

"'I s'ppose, ma'am, ' replied the lazy tramp, 'it's fer about the samereason that a healthy woman like you boards at a hotel instead ofkeepin' house. '"--_Harper's_. 

Apropos of foreign honesty, Dr. Nicholas Butler tells this story:

"On a foreign railroad, " he said, "a commuter had a row with theconductor. At the end of the row the commuter turned to a friend andsaid:

"'Well, the P. D. R. Will never see another cent of my money afterthis. '

"The conductor, who was departing, looked back and snarled:

"'What'll you do? Walk?'

"'Oh, no, ' said the commuter, 'I'll stop buying tickets and pay myfare to you. '"

ROADS

"How are the roads in this section?" "Fine, " replied FarmerCorntossel. "We've abolished bad roads. " "Big job, wasn't it?" "Not atall. Wherever the going is 'specially hard we don't call it a 'road. 'We call it a 'detour. '"

ROOSEVELT, THEODORE

"One beautiful autumn day, " said the teacher, telling a story, "LittleRed Riding Hood was walking along a path in the woods when she came toa sharp turn; and whom do you think she saw standing there, with a rowof shining white teeth gleaming at her?"

Up went a little hand. 

"Who was it, Willie?"

"Mister Roosevelt. "

RUINS

An English nobleman was about to set out for India, and, fearing thatin his absence vandals might destroy a picturesque ruin on his estate, he said to his steward: "I want you to build a wall here"--he drew atiny furrow with his stick around the ruin--"a stone wall five feethigh. "

On his return home the nobleman started for the spot. When he reachedit he rubbed his eyes in amazement. There was the new stone wall, buthe could see nothing towering up inside of it. He turned excitedly tohis steward:

"Look here, where's the ruin, man?"

"The ruin, my lord?" replied the steward. "Oh, that ould thing! Sure, I used it to build the wall with. "

RUMMAGE SALES

"Oh, John, " sobbed Mrs. John, "I've done something awful, and I'malmost afraid to tell you--but I must! I made a most awful mistakethis morning and sent your new dress suit to the rummage sale insteadof your old one, and when I found out what I had done and ran over toget it back, it had been sold. "

"That's all right, Mabel, dear, " said John amiably. "I stopped in atthe sale myself and bought it back for thirty-five cents. "

SACRIFICES

"George, where are your school-books?"

"When notices appeared that books were wanted for the wounded, I gavemine to them. "

"But, my dear, " said his wife, after he had complained about the foodthe new cook had brought in. "You know during these terrible times itis absolutely necessary that we make great sacrifices. "

"Oh, of course, but what I object to is that cook's making hers in theform of a burnt offering. "

SAFETY

Throughout the trial the Englishman, whose crimes had been many andblack, bore himself with an air of complete indifference and receivedthe sentence of the supreme penalty with a bored yawn. After he hadbeen led on to the scaffold and just as the hood and noose were aboutto be placed over his head, the attendant priest, still persistingin his attempts to awaken penitence, in spite of the doomed man'sdeafness to his prayers, asked him again for a final statement. 

The prisoner's gaze wandered to the noose and rested theremeditatively. Suddenly he turned to the priest:

"See here, old chap, " he demanded, "is this thing perfectly safe?"

Mark Twain once sat in the smoking room of a steamer and listenedfor an hour to some remarkable stories. Then he drawled, "Boys, thesefeats of yours that you've been telling about recall an adventure ofmy own in Hannibal. There was a fire in Hannibal one night, and OldMan Hankinson got caught in the fourth story of the burning house. Itlooked as if he was a goner. None of the ladders was long enough toreach him. The crowd stared at one another with awed eyes. Nobodycould think of anything to do. 

"Then all of a sudden, boys, an idea occurred to me. 'Fetch a rope!' Iyelled. 

"Somebody fetched a rope, and with great presence of mind I flung theend of it up to the old man. 'Tie her round your waist!' I yelled. OldMan Hankinson did so, and I pulled him down. "

OLD LADY (to motorman on her first drive on an electric car)--"Wouldit be dangerous, conductor, if I was to put my foot on the rail?"

MOTORMAN (an Edison man)--"No, mum, not unless you was to put theother one on the overhead wire. "

SALARIES

"And about the salary?" said the movie star. 

"Well, " said the manager after a moment's thought, "suppose we call it$5, 000 a week?"

"All right. "

"Of course, you understand that the $5, 000 is merely what we callit--you will get $500. "

Salary--something paid to you for what you do. 

Income--something paid to you for what your father did. 

"How do you know that Blinks has had a raise in salary?"

"He argues that the world is getting better; that the danger frommonopolies has been greatly magnified, and that human nature isn't sobad, after all. "

SALESMEN AND SALESMANSHIP

"Hey, what did you go and sell them apples fer?"

"Ain't they fer sale?"

"No. Them was the samples we take out to our automobile customers. "

"Who, " asked the officiating clergyman, formally but impressively, "gives this bride away?"

"I--I was to, " stammered her father, "but I've been a retail salesmantoo long to give anything away. Let somebody else do it. "

PROSPECTIVE SALESMAN (to sales-manager who has advertised for asalesman)--"I'm answering your ad in today's paper. "

SALES MANAGER--"Had much experience?"

PROSPECTIVE SALESMAN (confidently)--"Yes, sir. I've sold mosteverything in my time. "

SALES MANAGER--"Then try selling me your services!" Mr. Babcock wasdriving through the country, trying to buy a mule. He was directed toa colored man who had one for sale. 

"Do you want to sell a mule?" asked Babcock. 

"Yaas, sah, " replied the owner. "May I ask whar yo' live, sah?"

"What has that got to do with it?" queried Babcock. 

"Well, " explained the negro, "I ain't gwine ter transfer dat mule tonobody dat lives less dan two hundred miles away from here. When Isells that mule I wants to git rid not only of de mule, but of allconversation appertainin' to him. "

"Mr. Smith, I represent the Stygian Life Insurance Company. I knowyou don't want to talk to me or listen to me; I know you have all theinsurance you feel able to pay for. I am not here to tell you yourchances of dying tonight, or of being hit by an automobile on leavingthis building; neither shall I try to convince you that my company canoffer you anything more than any other well-managed, long-establishedconcern. I shall not pretend that I am especially interested in yourwelfare and wish to do you a service. I am trying to make a living. Here is a blank application. You do not need to say any of thecommonplaces. Good day, Mr. Smith. 

"Ah, you have signed it. Permit me to insert the amount--say $25, 000. Our doctor will call on you tomorrow at 12:01. Thank you, Mr. Smith. Yes; I am using a new method. The idea came from the Four Minutespeakers. Haven't lost a prospect yet. But my time is up. I shalldeliver your policy in person, but that takes only one minute underthe new system. Good-bye. "

"I don't think I'll buy the house, but I've enjoyed the ride out here. You run a good car. "

"Yes, I'm agent for this make. Can I book your order?"

 Keep hollering-- There's somebody Somewhere that'll Want what you've Got sometime!

That clerk you all know died and approached the pearly gates. 

"Give me a seat in the front row, " he demanded of St. Peter. 

"Sorry, " said the hoary gatekeeper. "Heaven's all sold out, but I cangive you something just as good. "

Trade was bad. At the end of another blank day the discouragedsalesman called on another prospective customer and asked to show hissamples. 

"No, there is nothing I want today, " said the customer, "But will you just examine my line of goods?" the salesman persisted. 

The customer would not. 

"Then, " said the salesman meekly, "will you let me use a part of yourcounter to look at them myself, as I have not had the opportunity forsome time?"

"I want a pair of the best gloves you have, " said Mrs. Nuritch at theglove counter. 

"Yes, ma'am, " replied the polite salesman. "How long do you wantthem?"

"Don't git insultin', young man! I want to buy 'em, not hire 'em. "

"How do you manage to sell so many fireless cookers?"

"It's due to my method of approach, " said the smart salesman. "I beginmy little talk by saying, 'Madam, I have called to enable you to spendevery afternoon at the movies. '"

NEW MAN ON THE ROAD--"What is the best time for me to see the head ofthis firm I'm working for, boy?"

OFFICE BOY--"Between the time he gets your sales-account and the timehe gets your expense-account. "--_Puck_. 

_"Orders Is Orders"_

One of the traveling salesmen breezed back from a short trip. 

"How's business?" grunted the manufacturer. 

"Fine, " beamed the agent. 

Manufacturer reached for the "good-business" cigars. 

"How fine?"

"Got two good orders, " the agent said. 

"Ah-ha, " grinned the boss. "Who were they from?"

"One, " came the reply, "was from Mr. ---- of---- &---- who ordered meto 'Get out, ' and the other was from his partner who ordered me to'Stay out. '"

_See also_ Booksellers and bookselling; Mistakes. 

SALVATION

An evangelist was exhorting his hearers to flee from the wrath tocome. "I warn you, " he thundered, "there will be weeping and wailingand gnashing of teeth. "

At this point an old woman of the congregation stood up. 

"Sir, I have no teeth. "

"Madam, " returned the preacher sternly, "teeth will be provided. "

SAVING

SON--"Dad, what is a savings account?"

FATHER--"A savings account is that part of a man's income which thegovernment takes after permitting him to pay for the necessities oflife. "

_See also_ Economy; Thrift. 

SCANDAL

"Yes, it cost me ten thousand dollars to have my family-tree lookedup, and five thousand dollars more to have it hushed up. "--_Life_. 

Believe that story false that ought not to be true. --_Sheridan_. 

 Willing to wound, and yet afraid to strike, Just hint a fault, and hesitate dislike; Alike reserv'd to blame, or to commend, A tim'rous foe, and a suspicious friend. 

 --_Pope_. 

The scandal of the world is what makes the offence; it is not sinfulto sin in silence. --_Molière_. 

SCHOLARSHIP

"What's the matter? You look thoughtful. "

"My six-year-old son brought home a list of questions to answer. "

"What of that?"

"My average ranks me as a deficient kid. "

"Is my son getting well grounded in the classics?" asked themillionaire. 

"I would put it even stronger than that, " replied the private tutor. "I may say that he is actually stranded on them. "

"Tommy Tucker is the worst boy in school, Harry, and I want you tokeep as far away from him as you possibly can. "

"I do, mother. He stays at the head of the class most of the time. "

_See also_ College students. 

SCHOOLS

A keen-eyed mountaineer led his overgrown son into a countryschoolhouse. "This here boy's arter larnin', " he announced. "What'syer bill o'fare?"

"Our curriculum, sir, " corrected the schoolmaster, "embracesgeography, arithmetic, trigonometry--"

"That'll do, " interrupted the father. "That'll do. Load him up wellwith triggernometry. He's the only poor shot in the family. "

There is no real suffering in Mexico now, except that of the schoolboywho is trying to learn the dates of all the revolutions. 

CRABSHAW--"Why do you wish to leave school and go to work when you'reso young?"

WILLIE--"It's this way, dad. School is going to be a tough place forthe next few years. We'll have a new map of Europe to study, and if wefall down on it the teacher is likely to give us the Constitution ofthe League of Nations to learn by heart. "

MAMMA--"How do you feel this morning, Robert? Are you able to sit up?"

ROBERT--"I feel awful bad. Don't think I could stand on my feet. "

MAMMA--"Well, I hope you will be able to go to school Monday. This isSaturday--"

ROBERT (jumping out of bed)--"Saturday! Gee! I thought it was Friday!"

SCIENTIFIC MANAGEMENT

EFFICIENCY EXPERT--"I am very gratified to see how many new men youhave taken on since I installed my system. "

"Yes, I hired 'em to take care of the system. "--_Judge_. 

SCOTCH, THE

An Englishman, Scotchman and Irishman were indulging in reminiscencesof sporting occasions. 

"The closest race I ever saw was a yacht race, " deposed theEnglishman, "in which one of the boats that had been recently paintedwon by the breadth of the coat of paint. "

"The closest race I ever saw, " declared the Scotchman, "was one inwhich a horse, stung by a bee, won by the eighth of the swelling ofhis nose. "

"The closest race I ever saw, " said the Irishman, "is the Scotch. "

Some travellers returning to their hotel in Edinburgh one eveningnoticed an old Scotchman working anxiously over a penny-in-the-slotmachine that refused to deliver his purchase or to return the penny. The next morning on passing the same spot they saw the poor man deadbeside the slot machine. 

Two old Scotsmen sat by the roadside, talking and puffing away merrilyat their pipes. 

"There's no muckle pleasure in smokin', Sandy, " said Donald. 

"Hoo dae ye mak' that oot?" questioned Sandy. 

"Weel, " said Donald, "ye see, if ye're smokin' yer ain bacca ye'rethinkin' o' the awfu' expense, an' if ye're smokin' some ither body's, yer pipe's ramm't sae tight it winna draw. "

A Scotchman had been presented with a pint flask of rare old Scotchwhisky. He was walking briskly along the road toward home, when alongcame a Ford which he did not side-step quite in time. It threw himdown and hurt his leg quite badly. He got up and limped down the road. Suddenly he noticed that something warm and wet was trickling down hisleg. 

"Oh, God, " he groaned, "I hope that's blood!"

During the fighting a Highlander had the misfortune to get his headblown off. 

A comrade communicated the sad news to another gallant Scot, whoasked, anxiously:

"Where's his head? He was smoking ma pipe. "

A Scottish emigrant on his arrival at Montreal, stopped for a momentto examine a coat hanging in front of a clothing store, when theproprietor asked him if he would not try on a coat. 

"I dinna ken but I wad, " responded the emigrant, consulting his watch;and he went in and set to work. No matter how often he found a fit, he tried on another and another till he tried on about thirty. Then, again looking at his watch, he resumed his own garment and walked offsaying:

"Weel, I've lost time, nae doot, but hang the fellow that'll no'obleege anither when he can!"

Three Scotchmen were in church one Sunday morning when the ministermade a strong appeal for some very worthy cause, hoping that every onein the congregation would give at least one dollar or more. The threeScots became very nervous as the collection plate neared them, whenone of them fainted and the other two carried him out. 

Scotchmen are proverbial for their caution. 

Mr. MacTavish attended a christening where the hospitality of the hostknew no bounds except the several capacities of the guests. In themidst of the celebration Mr. MacTavish rose up and made rounds of thecompany, bidding each a profound farewell. 

"But, Sandy, man, " objected the host, "ye're not going yet, with theevenin' just started?"

"Nay, " said the prudent MacTavish. "I'm no' goin' yet. But I'm tellin'ye good-night while I know ye all. "

A Scotchman was strolling through the market-place one day with hisfaithful collie at his heels. Attracted by a fine display of shell andother fish, the Scot stopped to admire, perhaps to purchase. Thedog stood by gently wagging its tail while its master engaged thefishmonger in conversation. 

Unfortunately for the dog, its tail dropped for a moment over a bigbasketful of fine live lobsters. Instantly one of the largest lobsterssnapt its claws on the tail and the surprised collie dashed offthrough the market, yelping with pain, while the lobster hung ongrimly, tho dashed violently from side to side. The fishmonger fora moment was speechless with indignation. Then turning to hisprospective customer, he bawled:

"Mon, mon! whustle to yer dog! Whustle to yer dog!"

"Hoot, mon, " returned the other, complacently, "whustle to yerlobster!"

SEASICKNESS

"My dear old fellow! What's the matter? The sea's like a duck-pond!"

"I know, old boy--but I've taken six--different--remedies. "--_Punch_. 

The Chief Justice while presiding over the Supreme Court at Washingtontook the several Justices of the Court for a run down Chesapeake Bay. A stiff wind sprang up, and Justice Gray was getting decidedly theworst of it. As he leaned over the rail in great distress the ChiefJustice touched him on the shoulder and said in a tone of deepestsympathy:

"Is there anything I can do for you, Gray?"

"No, thank you, " returned the sick Justice, "unless your Honor canoverrule this motion. "

An amateur sailor was making his first trip across the Atlantic, andwas in the throes of the _mal de mer_ when the ship's surgeon cameacross him. 

"What's the matter?" was the doctor's callous query. 

"O-o-oh!" was the only response as the young man rolled over in agony. 

"Come, get up, " derided the surgeon, grinning unfeelingly. "The ship'sbeen torpedoed and will sink in ten minutes. "

"Ten minutes?" the sick man protested feebly. "Can't you make it anysooner?"

"How was the trip over?" I asked one of our returning soldiers. 

"Rough as thunder, " was the reply. 

"Did they feed you well?" I asked. 

"Six meals a day, " he said. 

"Six?" I echoed. 

"Yes, " was the laughing reply; "three down and three up. "

A New York man was crossing the Atlantic with an army officer whosuffered greatly from sea-sickness. 

On entering the stateroom one particularly rough day, he found theofficer tossing in his berth, muttering in what at first appeared tobe a sort of delirium. 

Stooping over to catch his words, the friend heard him say: "Sergeant. . . Major . . . Sergeant . . . Major . . . Brigadier-general . . . Ugh, _lieutenant_-general . . . A-a-ah!"

"What are you saying?" asked the friend in some alarm, as the suffererlooked piteously up at him after his last gasping "a-a-ah!"

"Assigning the waves their rank, " said the military man, rollingtoward the wall again. "There have been eight lieutenant-generalswithin the last twenty minutes. "

CHRISTIAN SCIENTIST--"Nothing is ever lost! Everything in the universeis in its right place at the right time!"

MAN FROM MISSOURI--"Have you never been seasick?"

The ocean liner was rolling like a chip, but as usual in suchinstances one passenger was aggressively, disgustingly healthy. 

"Sick, eh?" he remarked to a pale-green person who was leaning on therail. 

The pale-green person regarded the healthy one with all the scorn hecould muster. "Sick nothing!" he snorted weakly. "I'm just hangingover the front of the boat to see how the captain cranks it!"

SECRETS

"Can you keep a secret, Peggy?"

"I can; but it's just my luck to tell things to other girls whocan't. "

ALICE--"I thought you could keep a secret. "

MABEL--"Well, I kept it for a week. Do you think I'm a cold-storageplant?"

JACK--"Did you tell her that what you said was in strict confidence?"

ETHEL--"No; I don't want her to think it was important enough torepeat. "

CRAWFORD--"I see that the Ku Klux are going to admit women members. "

CRABSHAW--"Why, I thought it was a secret society. "

It is said that an ancient Chinese sage who lived in the secondcentury was offered a bribe. His silence being accepted as hesitation, he was assured that he was perfectly safe, as no one knew it. Hereplied:

"Heaven knows, it. Earth knows it. You know it. I know it. How can yousay that no one knows it?"

SELF-MADE MEN

"Yes, sir, " said the trust magnate, proudly, "I am the architect of myown fortune. "

"Well, " rejoined the friendly critic, "all I've got to say is thatit's a lucky thing for you there were no building inspectors aroundwhen you were constructing it. "

SENATE

FORWARDLOOKER--"The Senate has a plan to settle labor disputes. "

CYNIC--"If labor would devise a plan for settling Senate disputes, wemight have peace. "

The more we read about the Senate the more we understand the word"jazz. "

SENATORS

"What is your position on this great question?"

"My position, " replied Senator Sorghum, "is somewhat like that of atight-rope walker. I don't want to stop to argue or show off. What Iwant to do is to get across to solid ground. "

"The interrogation 'Where did you get it?' causes me much lessapprehension, " confessed Senator Smugg, "than the feeling that someday the public may learn the answer to the question 'Where did you putit?'"--_Puck_. 

SENSE OF HUMOR

SCHOOL SUPERINTENDENT (cross-questioning the terrified class)--"Andnow I want you boys to tell me who wrote 'Hamlet. '"

FRIGHTENED BOY--"P-p-please, sir, it-it wasn't me. "

That same evening the superintendent was talking to his host, thesquire of the village. The superintendent said:

"Most amusing thing happened today. I was questioning the class overat the school, and I asked a boy who wrote 'Hamlet. ' He answeredtearfully, 'P-p-please, sir, it wasn't me. '"

After loud and prolonged laughter, the squire said:

"That's pretty good, and I suppose the little rascal had done it allthe time!"

_British and American Humor_

Having observed in a London omnibus a notice warning passengers tobe careful as they alight, which is couched in these terms: "Cinemaactors risk their lives for pay! Don't do it for nothing!" a New Yorkjournalist remarks that "an American advertisement on that subjectwould be serious; the British are more flippant in their seriousnessthan the Americans. "

It seems as if this critic (writes a correspondent of the ManchesterGuardian) never saw the notices posted in the trains used forconveying American troops in France during the last six months of thewar. Tho drawn up at American headquarters, these notices are quite as"flippant in their seriousness" as the one he quotes. One of them ran:

THREE KINDS OF FOOLS

1. Fools. 

2. Damned fools. 

3. SOLDIERS WHO RIDE ON TOPS AND SIDES OF CARS. 

A great many American soldiers have already been killed as a result ofriding on tops of cars. 

There is only six inches clearance between tops and sides of cars andtunnel arches. 

There is only six inches clearance between tops and sides of cars andbridge superstructures. 

There is only a slight clearance between sides of cars andsignal-towers. 

IF YOU EXPECT TO SEE THE NEXT BLOCK KEEP YOURS INSIDE. 

There was another one worded as follows:

YOUR HEAD MAY BE HARD

But not so hard as Bridges and Tunnel Arches. 

Railway company will hold you responsible for damages to bridges andtunnels and signal-towers--they are not insured. 

KEEP YOUR BLOCK INSIDE

And yet another:

 Huns are waiting. Trenches ahead. Speed up. You won't if you ride on top of or stick your head out of cars. 

KEEP YOUR IVORY IN!

HEALTH OFFICER MOONEY--"Y'r Honor, Oi think that humorist should beprohibited from givin' his lecture in the opera house tomorrow night, sor!"

MAYOR OF TOWN--"Why so, Mooney? Is it immoral?"

HEALTH OFFICER MOONEY--"Not immoral, sor; but they say his humor iscontagious!"

SENTRIES

_See_ Armies. 

SERMONS

_See_ Preaching. 

SERVANTS

MISTRESS--"Bridget, I'm tired of your carelessness. Only look at thatdust on the furniture. It's six weeks old at the very least. "

BRIDGET--"Shure, it's no fault av moine. Oi've been here only t'reeweeks. "

While Willie and his mother were walking along the street, they passedan employment agency with this sign in the window: "Colored HelpSupplied. "

"Look, ma, " said Willie. "Is that where we got our green cook?"

Cynthia, a young colored cook, who had recently given up heremployment in order that she might try her luck at the easierprofession of cateress, met her former mistress on the street. 

"Good morning, Cynthia, " said the lady. "Where are you working now?"

"I isn't workin' nowhere now, ma'am, " replied Cynthia, coyly; "I'secapering for a congressman. "

WIFE--"I wish I knew what to do with this skirt. It's good, butsomewhat out of style. "

HUSBAND--"Why don't you give it to the laundress?"

WIFE--"Don't be funny, George. She's a good laundress, and I wouldn'toffend her for the world. "

MRS. ECKS--"That's a shocking clumsy maid who served us. And Mrs. Wisesaid she had such a treasure. "

MRS. WYE--"This maid is one she hired for the occasion. She has thetreasure locked in her room for fear one of the guests might stealher. "

MISTRESS--"Now, Ada, I want you to show us what you can do tonight. Wehave a few very special friends coming for a musical evening. "

COOK--"Well, mum, I 'aven't done any singin' to speak of for years, but as you insists upon it you can put me down for 'The 'Oly City'!"

NEW MISTRESS--"How about the afternoon off?"

NORAH--"Sure, mum, take wan--I'm willin'. "

MISTRESS (to newly installed cook)--"Matthews! What does this mean?How did this policeman get here?"

COOK (equal to the occasion)--"Dunno, mum. 'E must 'ave bin left overby the last cook. "

"I hope you are habitually truthful, Norah. "

"I am on me own account, mum. I only tells lies to the callers for thefamily. "

"A great many of the neighbors have called to see us since we movedout here, " said Mr. Crosslots. 

"They didn't call to see us, " replied his wife. "The report has goneout that we have a good cook and they are trying to get acquaintedwith her. "

Mrs. Smith hired a Chinese servant, and tried to teach him how toreceive calling-cards. She let herself out the front door, and whenthe new servant answered her ring she gave him her card. 

The next day two ladies came to visit Mrs. Smith. When they presentedtheir cards, the alert Chinaman hastily compared them with Mrs. Smith's card, and remarked as he closed the door:

"Tickets no good; you can't come in. "

MISTRESS--"I shall be very lonely, Bridget, if you leave me. "

BRIDGET--"Don't worry, mum. I'll not go until ye have a houseful ofcompany. "

Mrs. Wilson wanted to get Mrs. Johnson's cook away from her so badlythat she actually went to Mrs. Johnson's house when she was away andoffered the cook more money. The next time they met at a big dinnerMrs. Johnson did not notice her. 

"Mrs. Johnson, you know Mrs. Wilson, do you not?" said the lady whosat between them. 

"No, I believe not, " said Mrs. Johnson, "but I understand that shecalls on my cook. "

MR. EXE--"Did you tell the cook that the beefsteak was burned?"

MRS. EXE--"Mercy, no! She would leave instantly. I told her it wasjust right, but that we preferred it a trifle underdone. "

"Does your family have any trouble with servants?"

"No, " replied Mr. Crosslots; "I don't believe any of them stay aroundthe place long enough to become really troublesome. "

Two nurse-maids were wheeling their infant charges in the park whenone asked the other:

"Are you going to the dance tomorrow afternoon?"

"I am afraid not. "

"What!" exclaimed the other. "And you so fond of dancing!"

"I'd love to go, " explained the conscientious maid, "but to tell youthe truth, I am afraid to leave the baby with its mother. "

"A flirt, am I!" exclaimed Mary Ann, under notice to go. "Well, Iknow them as flirts more than I do, and with less hexcuse. " She shot aspiteful look at her mistress and added: "I'm better looking than you. More 'andsome. 'Ow do I know? Your husband told me so. "

"That will do, " said her mistress, frigidly. 

"But I ain't finished yet!" retorted Mary Ann. "I can give a betterkiss than you! You want to know 'oo told me that, mum?"

"If you mean to suggest that my husband--"

"No, it wasn't your 'usband this time, " said Mary Ann. "It was yourchauffeur. "

Mrs. Bliffkins met Mary Smith, whom she had recommended to a neighborfor a situation. 

"How are you getting on at your new place?" asked Mrs. Bliffkins. 

"Very well, thank you, " was the reply. 

"I am glad to hear it, " remarked Mrs. Bliffkins. "Your employer is avery nice lady, and you cannot do too much for her. "

"I don't mean to, ma'am, " replied Mary. 

MRS. SMYTHE DE WILLOUGHBY--"Was the grocer's boy impudent again thismorning, Clara, when you telephoned the order?"

CLARA--"'E was, mum! But I didn't 'arf give 'im wot for. I sez, 'Whod'yer blinkin' well think you're a-talkin 'to? I'm Mrs. Smythe derWilloughby!'"--_Punch_. 

MRS. GLABBERDEEN--"Of course you, too, must often change cooks?"

MRS. JALPERDILL--"Oh, don't speak of it! We suffer from such acontinual going and coming that we've decided this winter to equip ourkitchen with revolving doors. "

VISITOR--"Why does your servant go about the house with her hat on?"

MISTRESS--"Oh, she's a new girl. She only came this morning, andhasn't yet made up her mind whether she'll stay. "--_Punch (London)_. 

The new word for "servant" and the new hours have come, judging fromthis advertisement:

Household assistants (two) wanted in private family; eight hoursdaily; six days weekly; one from 8 to 5; another from 11 to 8; all offfor lunch; no meals; sleep home; wages, $10. Apply--, etc. 

HUSBAND (at dinner)--"By George, this is a regular banquet. Finestspread I've sat down to in an age. What's up? Do you expect company?"

WIFE--"No, but I think the cook does. "

AGATHA-"Is your former cook happy since she inherited a fortune?"

AGNES-"No, she's all dressed up and no place to leave. "

"Have you any cooks on hand?"

"Six in the anteroom. "

"Ask 'em to look me over and see if there is anybody here I mightsuit. "

THE NEW MAID--"In my last place I always took things fairly easy. "

COOK--"Well, it's different here. They keep everything locked up. "

Mrs. X. Had lost her cook and had telephoned in vain for another. Dinner guests were expected and she was desperate. Finally, puttingon her things, she went out, and she hadn't gone far when she met aneat-looking colored woman. She explained her dilemma and the coloredwoman listened in silence, then she said: "Where do yo' live, missus?"

Seeing a ray of hope joyfully, Mrs. X. Gave her address, to be metwith this reply:

"Well, yo 'jess go home an' look in yo' glass an' yo'll see yo' cook. "

MISTRESS--"I want a maid who will be faithful and not a time-waster. Can you promise that?"

BRIDGET--"Indeed'n I can. I'm that scrup'lous, ma'am, about wastin'time that I make one job of prayin' and scrubbin'. "

"Do you keep any servants?"

"No, of course, not. "

"But I thought I saw one in your kitchen?"

"Oh, we have servants on the premises a day or two at a time; but wedon't keep them. "

FIRST MAID (bragging about a party given the day before by hermistress)--"And they all came in limousines, and had on the grandestclothes, and wore the biggest diamonds. "

NEIGHBOR'S MAID--"And what did they talk about?"

FIRST MAID--"Us. "

"I'm afraid I'll never be able to teach you anything, Maggie, " wasthe despairing utterance of a Trenton woman to a new Irish domestic. "Don't you know that you should always hand me notes and cards on asalver?"

"Sure, mum, I knew, " answered Maggie, "but I didn't know you did. "

Bridget had been discharged. Extracting a five-dollar bill from herwage-roll, she threw it to Fido. Then the shocked mistress heard herexclaim: "Sure 'n' I niver fergit a frind; that's fer helpin' me washthe dishes. "

_See also_ Recommendations. 

SERVICE

 _Payment_

 We pay too much with money, pay Our debts with gold, and only gold-- Bestow a purse and turn away, And think that song is bought and sold. A queen paid Shakespeare for his wit, And thought that was the end of it. 

 We pay too much with money, deem A dollar can discharge a debt, Or buy a dress, or buy a dream, Perhaps a spray of mignonette. The deft designer, what of her? And who can pay a gardener?

 We must pay money, and pay more-- The sustenance for daily need, And then the larger payment for The beauty dreamed, the planted seed-- With service pay for service, give The larger things by which we live. 

 Each has his gift and each his art That men for others must employ; We must contribute each his part To make the universal joy-- With service pay for service, pay Each in his own, his destined, way. 

 --_Douglas Malloch_. 

SERVICE STAR

 _The Gold Star_

 Little golden service star, How I wonder who you are. Does a sweetheart, or a wife, Love you, little star of "Life?" Or a mother, proud but sad, Who gave all, her only lad? When I first beheld you there You were blue, born with a prayer. Golden star and star of blue-- With one soul God gave to you-- Do you know how proud we are Of the golden service star?

 --_Beth Nichols_. 

SHOPPING

CLERK--"Now see here little girl, I can't spend the whole day showingyou penny toys. Do you want the earth with a little red fence aroundit for a cent?"

LITTLE GIRL--"Let me see it. "

"How can you tell when a woman is only shopping?"

"When they intend to buy they ask to see something cheaper. Whenthey're shopping they ask if you haven't something more expensive instock. "

In a busy department store, a lady asked to see blankets. After theclerk had emptied the shelves and piled the counters with blanketsof every description and color, the lady thanked him and said: "I wasjust looking for a friend. "

"Well, madam, " said the obliging clerk, "if you think your friend isamong these blankets, I'll look again. "

"Was papa the first man who ever proposed to you, mama?"

"Yes; but why do you ask?"

"I was just thinking that you might have done better if you hadshopped around a little more. "

Here is a story of a lady who seemed to want a lot for her money. Sherushed excitedly into the hardware department. 

"Give me a mouse-trap!" she exclaimed. "Quickly, please, because Iwant to catch a train. "

HUSBAND (discovering the hall full of packages)--"Heavens! You musthave had a successful shopping day. "

WIFE--"Yes, dear, and that isn't the best of it. I have actually gotsomething that I am going to keep. "--_Life_. 

An old fellow who was noted through the town for his stuttering aswell as for his shrewdness in making a bargain, stopped at a groceryand inquired:

"How m-m-many t-t-t-turkeys have you g-g-got?"

"Eight, sir, " replied the grocer. 

"T-t-t-tough or t-t-tender?"

"Some are tender and some tough, " was the reply. 

"I k-keep b-b-b-boarders, " said the new customer. "P-pick out the fourt-toughest t-t-turkeys, if you p-p-please. "

The delighted grocer very willingly complied with the unusual request, and said in his politest tones:

"These are the tough ones, sir. "

Upon which the customer coolly put his hand on the remaining four, andexclaimed:

"I'll t--t--take th--th--th--these!"

SIGHT SEEING

The motor-bus stopped, and the conductor looked earnestly up thesteps, but no one descended, and at last he stalked up impatiently. 

"'Ere, you, " he said to a man on top, "don't you want WestminsterAbbey?"

"Yes, " was the reply. 

"Well, " retorted the conductor, "come down for it. I can't bring it onthe bus for you. "

SIGNS

Eva S----, twenty-four years old, a maid employed in Jersey City, was locked up last night in the West Thirtieth Street Police Station, charged with grand larceny. She is alleged to have stolen $160 worthof articles from a Sixth Avenue department-store. 

The explanation she gave was that she saw a sign in the store whichread: "Customers, please take small packages home. "

"Why do you have an apple as your trade-mark?" asked a client of thecash tailor. 

"Well, well, " replied the man, rubbing his hands, "if it hadn't beenfor an apple where would the clothing business be today?"

In a large park in one of the Eastern cities there are seats about thebandstand with this notice posted on them:

"The seats in the vicinity of the bandstand are for the use of ladies. Gentlemen should make use of them only after the former are seated. "

A farmer hitched his team to a telephone-pole. 

"Here, " exclaimed a policeman, "you can't hitch there!"

"Can't hitch!" shouted the irate farmer, "Well, why does the sign say, 'Fine for Hitching'?'"

You have heard perhaps, of the Englishman in the South Station, Boston, who read over a door "Inside Baggage, " and chuckled with glee:"You Americans are so droll! Now we should say 'Refreshment Room. '"

Somebody ought to call attention to the public-library sign, "Only lowtalk is permitted here. "

The small boy's parents had distinct ideas of discipline. The walls ofthe sitting-room were lined with tracts, and the cane was always keptbehind "Love one another. "

One day everything went wrong, and the little boy was whipped eighttimes. 

After the eighth caning he said, between his sobs, "D-d-don't youthink it's t-time to take the cane from behind 'L-love one another'and put it behind 'I n-n-need Thee every hour'?"

Little Jane had long desired a baby sister, and one day she camerushing home in high excitement. 

"Oh, mother; come downtown quickly!" she exclaimed. "There aresplendid bargains in babies and you can get one while they are cheap. "

"What in the world are you talking about, my dear?" the mother askedin astonishment. "Somebody must have been playing a joke on you. "

"Truly, truly!" the little girl declared, jumping up and down in hereagerness. "Great big sign about it, on the top of the skating rink. It says, 'This week only, children half price. '"

In Davenport: "We've given a service to our patrons that compels themto think of Crooks when there's any laundry work to be done. " On aparsonage door in Trinidad, Colo. : "The last man who tried to workme is in jail. " On a tombstone in Batavia: "If we must part let us gotogether. " On State Street: "Open all night. Latest moving pictures. "In a Morton Park dance-hall: "Use checkroom. Absolutely no clothesallowed in this room. " (Attention of Mayor Harrison. ) On FranklinStreet: "Reign Umbrella Co. " In the Spencer Hotel, Marion, Ind. :"Discourteous treatment, by the waiters, if reported to theproprietor, will be greatly appreciated. "

Out in New Mexico even public signs come direct to the point. They donot waste any time in wondering how the reader will feel about it. 

In a garage at Albuquerque is posted:

"Don't smoke round the tank! If your life isn't worth anything, gasoline is!"

Another home problem is solved by a firm of cleaners in Grinnell, Iowa, which advertises: "Notice--ladies--why worry about your dirtykids when we clean them for fifteen cents?"

"Our readers, " says the Boston Transcript, "often go into movietheaters to laugh, but did you ever realize that you can get many agood laugh by reading the funny wording of some of the signs out infront and in the lobby? We have noticed how audiences enjoy thesefunny signs which have been shown on the screen in The LiteraryDigest 'Topics of the Day. ' Here are some of the most laughable onesmentioned:

"Movie theater sign:

 "'Watch Your Wife' Every Night This Week. "

 --_Albany Argus_. 

"Sign in front of Harlem movie theater:

 "'Mother, I Need You for Three Days Beginning Nov. 30'. "

"Sign in front of movie house:

 "'Geraldine Farrar, supported for the first time by her husband'. "

 --_Columbus (O. ) Citizen_. 

"This seems to be a very dangerous precipice, " remarked the tourist. "I wonder that they have not put up a warning-board!"

"Yes, " answered the guide, "it is dangerous. They kept a warning-boardup for two years, but no one fell over, so it was taken down. "

Mr. Roberts, a banker in a Western town, was very bald and was in thehabit of wearing his hat in the bank during business hours. Every weeka negro employee of the bank presented a check and drew his wages. One day, as he was putting the money in a worn and greasy wallet, thebanker chanced to pass by, and asked, "Look here, John, why don't youlet some of that money stay in the bank and keep an account with us?"

"Well, sah, " replied the negro, leaning toward the banker and gazingcuriously at the Panama hat he wore, "I'se always afeared. You see, sah, you look like you was always ready to start somewheres. "

During revival meetings in a Western city placards giving noticesof the various meetings, subjects, etc. , were posted in conspicuousplaces. One day the following was displayed:

"Subject--'Hell: Its Location and Its Absolute Certainty. '

"Thomas Jones, barytone, will sing 'Tell Mother I'll Be There. '"

SILENCE

I think the first virtue is to restrain the tongue; he approachesnearest to the gods who knows how to be silent, even tho' he is in theright. --_Cato_. 

Nothing at times is more expressive than silence. --_George Eliot_. 

SIMPLIFIED SPELLING

_See_ Spelling. 

SIN

NEW CURATE--"What did you think of the sermon on Sunday, Mrs. Jones?"

PARISHIONER--"Very good indeed, sir. So instructive. We really didn'tknow what sin was till you came here. "

 Know'st thou not all germs of evil In thy heart await their time? Not thyself, but God's restraining, Stays their growth of crime. 

 --_Whittier_. 

 'Tis fearful building upon any sin; One mischief enter'd, brings another in: The second pulls a third, the third draws more, And they for all the rest set ope the door: Till custom take away the judging sense, That to offend we think it no offence. 

 --_Smith_. 

_See also_ Lies. 

SINGERS

A quartette is where all four think the other three can't sing. 

SKEPTICS

The heavy black clouds had massed in the east and west, the lightningwas flashing fiercely between the heavy incessant rolling of thethunder. 

Francis was terribly frightened, and his fond mother had gathered heryoung hopeful and tried logically to calm his fears. 

"Don't be afraid, darling. There's nothing to fear. God sends thethunderstorm to clear the air, water the flowers, and make it coolerfor us. Now, don't cry, dear; it won't harm you, and everything willbe better when it's over. "

The little fellow listened intently, and as his mother finished helooked up at her gravely and said: "No, no, mother; you talk exactlythe way you did last week when you took me to the dentist to have thetooth pulled. "

 This a sacred rule we find Among the nicest of mankind, -- To doubt of facts, however true, Unless they know the causes too. 

 --_Churchill_. 

SLANG

A Franklin professor says slang has its place, and he might have addedthat the place seems to be everywhere. 

"Do Englishmen understand American slang?"

"Some of them do. Why?"

"My daughter is to be married in London, and the earl has cabled me tocome across. "

SMILES

Smile! Never let your face look like a funeral; look like a searchwarrant. The bud that cannot blossom dries up in the stock. Smile, ifyou have to force it. 

When your voice sounds like a benediction, when your face looks likean old lemon, folks are sure to sidestep you. 

What you give out you are reasonably sure to take in. 

Look for a fight and someone will put a black circle round your lefteye. 

Remember this: The face is more legible than an open book. You canread the face at a distance and get it all at a glance. The bookcompels you to thumb the leaves. 

Smile, you son-of-a-gun, smile!

 _If I Knew_

 If I knew the box where the smiles are kept, No matter how large the key, Or strong the bolt, I would try so hard 'Twould open, I know, for me. Then over the land and sea, broadcast, I'd scatter the smiles to play, That the children's faces might hold them fast For many and many a day. 

 If I knew a box that was large enough To hold all the frowns I meet, I would like to gather them, every one, From nursery, school and street. Then, folding and holding, I'd pack them in, And, turning the monster key, I'd hire a giant to drop the box To the depths of the deep, deep sea. 

"Can you tell me what a smile is?" asked a gentleman of a little girl. 

"Yes, sir; it's the whisper of a laugh. "

SMOKING

"Have a cigar?"

"No--don't smoke now. "

"Sworn off?"

"Nope; stopped entirely. "

"Your wife doesn't kick about your smoking up the curtains. "

"Nope, she can't have both curtains and coupons. "

It was on a passenger train. The conductor in passing through observeda man with a cigar in his mouth. "Hey, you can't smoke in here, " hebawled out. 

"I'm not smoking, " quietly replied the passenger. 

"Well, you've got a cigar in your face, " shot back the conductor. 

"Suppose I have, " continued the other good naturedly. "I've got feetin my shoes and I'm not walking. "

 _Mark Twain: A Pipe Dream_

 Well I recall how first I met Mark Twain--an infant barely three Rolling a tiny cigarette While cooing on his nurse's knee. 

 Since then in every sort of place I've met with Mark and heard him joke, Yet how can I describe his face? I never saw it for the smoke. 

 At school he won a smokership, At Harvard College (Cambridge, Mass. ) His name was soon on every lip, They made him "smoker" of his class. 

 Who will forget his smoking bout With Mount Vesuvius--our cheers-- When Mount Vesuvius went out And didn't smoke again for years?

 The news was flashed to England's King, Who begged Mark Twain to come and stay, Offered his dukedoms--anything To smoke the London fog away. 

 But Mark was firm. "I bow, " said he, "To no imperial command, No ducal coronet for me, My smoke is for my native land!"

 For Mark there waits a brighter crown! When Peter comes his card to read-- He'll take the sign "No smoking" down, Then Heaven will be Heaven indeed. 

 --_Oliver Herford_. 

SNOBBERY

A well-known society performer volunteered to entertain a roomfulof patients of the Colney Hatch Lunatic Asylum, and made up a verysuccessful little monologue show, entirely humorous. The audiencein the main gave symptoms of being slightly bored, but one highlyintelligent maniac saw the whole thing in the proper light, and, clapping the talented actor on the shoulder, said: "Glad you've comeold fellow. You and I will get along fine. The other dippies here areso dashed dignified. What I say is if a man is mad, he needn't put onairs about it. "

SOCIALISTS

"What's the difference between a socialist and a plutocrat?"

"There are many; but the leading one is that the former fights for hisprinciple and the latter for his interest. "

SOCIETY

"Dad, what's a social scale?"

"Well, generally speaking old man, it's a place where money isweighed. "

REGULAR CUSTOMER--"I shall want a large quantity of flowers from younext week for my daughter's coming out. "

FLOWER WOMAN--"Yes, mum. You shall 'ave the very best for 'er, poredear. Wot were she put in for?"--_Punch_. 

WILLIS--"What makes you think it is easier for a rich man to land inSociety than for an immigrant to land in America?"

GILLIS--"In the former case the literacy test isn't as strict. "

AUNT--"You'll be late for the party, won't you, dear?"

NIECE--"Oh, no, auntie. In our set nobody goes to a party untileverybody else gets there. "

Man it attracted to society by a desire to improve himself; and leavesit for the same reason. 

SOCIOLOGY

Catalog Class: "300 is the number for sociology. Now what does thatword mean to you, children?" One little girl stands up, smooths outher frock, straightens her bow, folds her hands, and, being properlyadjusted to recite, exclaims: "Sociology is a science that teaches youhow to sew. "

SOLDIERS

Noah would have saved future soldiers a lot of trouble if he hadswatted those two cooties when they marched up the gang plank of theark. 

SOUND

Sound travels at the rate of 400 yards per second. 

Exceptions to this rule:

Scandal: 1, 000 yards. 

Flattery: 500 yards. 

Truth: 2-1/2 yards. 

Alarm-clock:----?

SOUVENIRS

Secretary of State Lansing slipped out of the council chamber and wentsouvenir hunting in the palace. Luck was with him, he said, for hefound a remarkable piece of antique wall-paper. 

Next day a frantic Japanese stenographer was looking for his shorthandnotes. 

SPECULATION

"My wife watches the sugar market closely. "

"Speculating?"

"In a small way. She borrows when it's high and pays back when it'slow. "

The old millionaire and his beautiful bride, after their quietwedding, had a quiet wedding breakfast _a deux_. Astrakhancaviar, eggs pompadour, a truffled chicken, fresh California peas, champagne--so the quiet breakfast ran. 

"My dear, " said the old millionaire, as the fruit course, a superbFlorida melon, came on, "tell me, dear"--and he laid his withered handon her young one--"do you love me for what I am or for what I was?"

The beautiful girl smiled down from the window into the admiringeyes of a young clubman who was passing; then she bent her clear, considering gaze on the gray ruin opposite and replied:

"I love you, George, for what you will be. "

HARPER--"Foozle has a great scheme and he invited me 'to get in on theground floor. '"

CARPER--"Don't forget that that is where the trap-doors are. "

HEWITT--"Don't you think I stand a good chance of making a fortune outof that mine?"

JEWITT--"Out of it, yes. In it, no. "

SPEED

Spurr, the keeper of the livery stable, would never allow a horse outof his sight without giving the hirer strict injunctions not to drivefast. 

One day a caller asked for a horse to attend a funeral. 

"Certainly, " said Spurr, and then, forgetting the solemn purpose forwhich his customer wanted the horse, he added, as usual, "Don't drivefast!"

"Look here, old man, " was the reply, "I would like you to understandthat I shall keep up with the procession if it kills the horse!"

INQUIRER (at South Station)--"Where does this train go?"

BRAKEMAN--"This train goes to New York in ten minutes. "

INQUIRER--"Goodness! That's going some!"

With but three minutes to catch his train, the traveling salesmaninquired of the street-car conductor, "Can't you go faster than this?"

"Yes, " the bell-ringer replied, "but I have to stay with my car. "

"I was out over the speedway today, and in thirty seconds I did a milein four laps. "

"That's nothing. I know a young lady who did thirty miles in onelap, and she would have done more if I hadn't got a cramp in myknees. "--_Puck_. 

A negro was on the stand in an Alabama courthouse testifying to thedetails of a shooting scrape. The witness told how the prisoner atthe bar drew a revolver and began firing at one George Henry, and howHenry ran to save himself. 

"You say Henry ran?" interjected the lawyer for the defense. 

"Dat's whut I said. "

"You are sure he ran?"

"Sho" is!"

"Well, did he run fast?"

"Did he run fa--Say, boss, ef dat nigger had o' had one feather in hishand he'd o' flew. "

SPELLING

 If an S and an I, and an O and a U, With an X at the end spell "su, " And an E and a Y and an E spell I, Pray what is a speller to do? Then if an S and an I and a G And an H E D spell "side, " There's nothing much for a speller to do But go commit siouxeyesighed. 

A Chicago man was walking through a foreign quarter of his city when, with an amused smile, he stopped in front of a small eating-place, onthe window of which was painted in white, "Lam Stew. "

Now the proprietor happened to be standing in the doorway, and when hesaw the smile of the gentleman who had stopped in front of his placehe asked to be favored with an explanation of the joke. 

Whereupon the other explained about the missing "b" in "lamb, " andthe proprietor accepted the correction in good part, at the same timeexpressing his thanks. 

When next the Chicago man passed that restaurant he found that themenu had been changed, but that the lesson in orthography had notbeen forgotten. The proprietor was now offering "Clamb Chowder. "--_Harper's_. 

"The spelling-book's all wrong, mama! It don't look right for a littlething like a kitten to have six letters and a big cat to only havethree. "

"What did you learn at the school?" the boss asked the fair youngapplicant for the stenographer's job. 

"I learned, " she replied, "that spelling is essential to astenographer. "

The boss chuckled, "Good. Now let me hear you spell 'essential. '"

The fair girl hesitated for the fraction of a second. 

"There are three ways, " she replied. "Which do you prefer?"

And she got the job. 

JONES--"'Ow is your 'ealth today, Mr. 'Arrison?"

HARRISON--"My name is not 'Arrison. "

JONES--"Well, if a haitch, a hay, two hars, a hi, a hes, a ho and ahen don't spell 'Arrison, then what does it spell?"

A sailor was taken ill with a bad attack of rheumatism whilemine-sweeping on a trawler. 

The sick man was promptly ordered to hospital, but later on the doctorfound out, quite by accident, that he was still on board ship. 

Angrily he asked why his order had not been obeyed. 

"Well, " replied the captain, we tried to send him ashore, but asergeant of police hailed us and said that on no account was he to belanded or we'd be fined £100, so we just kept him on board. "

"But did you not signal to the depot, as I said. "

"Yes, we did; but neither me nor the signalman knew how to spellrheumatism, so we called it smallpox. "

 _O-U-G-H_

 _A Fresh Hack at an Old Knot_

 I'm taught p-l-o-u-g-h S'all be pronounce "plow. " "Zat's easy w'en you know, " I say, "Mon Anglais, I'll get through!"

 My teacher say zat in zat case, O-u-g-h is "oo" And zen I laugh and say to him, "Zees Anglaiz make me cough. "

 He say "Not coo, " but in zat word, O-u-g-h is 'off' Oh, Sacre bleu! such varied sounds Of words makes me hiccough!

 He say "Again mon frien' ees wrong; O-u-g-h is 'up' In hiccough. " Zen I cry, "No more, You make my t'roat feel rough. "

 "Non, non!" he cry, "you are hot right; O-u-g-h is 'uff. '" I say, "I try to spik your words, I cannot spik zem though!"

 "In time you'll learn, but now you're wrong! O-u-g-h is 'owe. '" "I'll try no more, I s'all go mad, I'll drown me in ze lough!"

 "But ere you drown yourself, " said he, "O-u-g-h is 'ock'. " He taught no more, I held him fast, And killed him wiz a rough. 

 --_Charles Battell Loomis_. 

"Pa, what's phonetic spelling?"

"It's a way of spelling that I often got whipped for when I was yourage. "

"I say, Hodge, why do you always put 'dictated' on your letters? Youdon't keep a stenographer. "

"No; but to tell the truth, old chap, my spelling's exceedinglyrocky. "

"And what did my little son learn about this morning?"

"Oh, a mouse. Miss Wilcox told us all about mouses. "

"That's the boy! Now, how do you spell 'mouse'?"

It was then that Arthur gave promise of being an artful dodger. Hepaused meditatively for a moment, then said:

"Father, I guess I was wrong. It wasn't a mouse teacher was telling usabout. It was a rat. "

What does Ghoughphteightteau spell? Give it up?

Well, "gh" stands for "p" as in "hiccough"; "ough" stands for "o" asin "dough"; "phth" stands for "t" as in "phthisis"; "eigh" stands for"a" as in "neigh"; "tte" stands for "t" as in "gusitte, " and"eau" stands for "o" as in "beau. " Put them together and you have"P-O-T-A-T-O. "

Easy, isn't it?

SPINSTERS

"Helen, " said the teacher, "can you tell me what a 'myth' is?" "Yeth, ma'am, " lisped Helen; "it ith a woman that hath not got any huthband. "

WILLIS--"Going to the party?"

GILLIS--"No. I haven't any lady. "

WILLIS--"Come with me. I've got two extras. "

GILLIS--"Who are they?"

WILLIS--"Miss Oldbud and Miss Passé. "

GILLIS--"They're not extras. They're early editions. "

"I'm glad Billy had the sense to marry an old maid, " said grandma atthe wedding. 

"Why, grandma?" asked the son. 

"Well, gals is highty-tighty, and widders is kinder overrulin' andupsettin'. But old maids is thankful and willin' to please. "

CHARLES--"Girls wish they were men. "

HERBERT--"Why do you say that?"

"Because spinsters like to call themselves 'bachelor girls, ' but nobachelor ever calls himself an 'old-maid man. '"

There is nothing like a good definition, as the teacher thought whenhe explained the meaning of "old maid, " as a woman who had been made along time. 

STAMMERING

They were going home from school. 

"Teacher said that that that that that girl used was superfluous. "

"Here's the first pupil for my stammering school, " said the businessman as he introduced himself. 

STAMPS

At the post-office a little girl deposited a dime in front of theclerk and said: "Please, I forgot the name of the stamp mama told meto get, but it's the kind that makes a letter hurry up. "

STATISTICS

"If a man had put a hundred dollars in a savings bank twenty yearsago, " said the statistician after dinner, "it would amount to over twohundred now, and he could buy almost as much for it now as he couldhave got for the original hundred at the time he began to save. "

STENOGRAPHERS

"How many stenographers have you?"

"Two. "

"I've seen only one of them. "

"Well, I've got a worse looking one to show my wife. "

"I met your husband today and he was telling me that he is in lovewith his work. "

"Was he, indeed? I must take a look in at the office. "

 _A Long-Merited Toast_

 I used to toast the royal queens And queens of beauty rare; I drained my glass to lovely lass And to her eyes and hair; But in these day of sober drinks There's one whose health to me Means vastly more than beauty or The blood of royalty:

 Here's to my stenographer! Long faithful to her duty. She'd win no prize for vampish eyes; Her freckles mar her beauty. Here's to her! Her specs! Her brain! I pledge her health in water! Cool, sober, staid, a precious maid; I love her--like a daughter!

 She keeps my creditors at bay, Admitting only debtors; Collects the rent when she is sent, Or writes dry business letters; She always puts her fingers on The paper I require; Sums I can't add she's always glad To do, and doesn't tire. 

 Here's to her bonny, busy hands! They never are erratic. I hope that they will type away For years, nor grow rheumatic! Here's to her modest salary! (I'd blush if I should tell it!) But for her grit I'd have to quit My business--couldn't sell it. 

 _--Stanley R. Hofflund_. 

A Chicago banker dictating a letter to his stenographer. "Tell Mr. Soandso, " he ordered, "that I will meet him in Schenectady. "

"How do you spell Schenectady?" asked the stenographer. 

"S-c, S-c--er--er--er--- Tell him I'll meet him in Albany. "

Stenographers can nod sometimes, even with the accuracy of thedictating machine. Recently a merchant dictating into one of thesemachines said:

"The gentleman in question has sold our products in Hayti for a periodof over two years, and we have always found him satisfactory in everydetail. "

All came out all right in the transcription except one word, andthat word was the change from Hayti to Hades! And the letter, being"dictated but not read, " went!

"I seem to remember that girl. Who is she?"

"She was my typewriter last year. "

"She's charming! Why did she leave you?"

"She was too conscientious for me. One day I proposed marriage toher, and what do you think she did? She took all that I said down inshorthand and brought it, nicely type-written, for me to sign!"

STOCK EXCHANGE

AUNT JANE (at the Stock Exchange)--"With seats selling at $60, 000, nowonder they are all standing up. "

FOOTLIGHT--"I see another seat at the Stock Exchange has been sold for$55, 000. "

Miss SUE BEETTE--"Wouldn't it be awful if the man who paid for itfound it was right behind a post!"

STRATEGY

WILLIE WILLIS--"Pa, what's strategy?"

PAPA WILLIS--"Usually darn poor judgment that happens to work out allright. "

A young lady took down the receiver and discovered that the telephonewas in use. "I just put on a pan of beans for dinner, " she heard onewoman complacently informing another. 

She hung up the receiver, and waited. Three times she waited, andthen, exasperated, she broke into the conversation. 

"Madam, I smell your beans burning, " she announced crisply. Ahorrified scream greeted the remark, and the young lady was able toput in her call. 

A lady entered a railroad-car and took a seat in front of a newlymarried couple. She was hardly seated before they began making remarksabout her. 

Her last year's bonnet and coat were fully criticised with more orless giggling on the bride's part, and there is no telling whatmight have come next if the lady had not put a sudden stop to theconversation by a bit of strategy. 

She turned her head, noticed that the bride was considerably olderthan the groom, and, in the smoothest of tones, said:

"Madam, will you please ask your son to close the window?"

The "son" closed his mouth, and the bride no longer giggled. 

"Fore!" shouted the golfer, ready to play. 

But the woman on the course paid no attention. 

"Fore!" he repeated, with not a bit more effect than the first time. 

"Try her with 'Three ninety-eight, '" suggested his partner. "She maybe one of those bargain-counter fiends. "

Hans and Fritz, two small boys, had gone to the rink to skate. Hans'sovercoat hampered him and he wanted to get rid of it. The Germancoat-room person does not check your coat unless you pay your fee. The fee was only a penny, but Hans did not have the penny. He was at aloss. 

"Huh! it's dead easy, " spoke up Fritz. "Give me your overcoat. I'lltake it to the man at the checking place and say I found it. He'llput it away. When you are ready to go home you go to him and ask ifanybody has turned a lost overcoat in to him. Then, of course, you'llget yours. "

STREET-CARS

A very pretty but extremely slender girl entered a street car andmanaged to seat herself in a narrow space between two men. Presently aportly colored mammy entered the car, and the pretty miss, thinking tohumiliate the men for lack of gallantry, arose. 

"Aunty, " she said, with a wave of her hand toward the place she hadjust vacated, "take my seat. "

"Thank you, missy, " replied the colored woman, smiling broadly, "butwhich gen'man's lap was you sittin' on?"

"Madam, " said the man in the street-car, "I know I ought to get up andgive you my seat, but unfortunately I've recently joined the Sit StillClub. "

"That's all right, sir, " replied the woman. "And you must excuseme for staring at you so hard: I am a member of the Stand and StareClub. "

She proved herself so active and conscientious a member that the manbegan to feel uncomfortable under her gaze. Finally he rose andsaid: "Take my seat, madam; I guess I'll resign from my club and joinyours. "

STRIKES

TEACHER--"Now, if I paid one man two dollars a day for seven days, another three dollars and fifty cents for ten days, and another fourdollars and seventy-five cents for six days--"

REDDY BACKROW (whose father belongs to the union)--"You'd have thedurndest strike on your hands you ever saw, teacher. "

 "Everybody's striking, " Said the Old Clock on the shelf; "It seems to be the fashion. So I think I'll strike myself. 

 "But striking is my business-- Did you ever see such luck I'll have to give up striking Just to show folks that I've struck!"

THE LADY-"So you're really one of the strikers?"

THE LOAFER-"Yus, lidy. I'm wot they call one o' the pioneers o' themovement. I went on strike twenty-three years ago, lidy, and I ain'tnever give in yet. "

A strike is not a "brake on industry. " It's a displaced switch. 

THE FATHER--"But have you enough money to marry my daughter?"

THE SUITOR--"Well, sir, at the moment I only get 300 francs a month, but by going on strike every other month for higher wages, I shall begetting 1, 000 francs by the end of the year. "

EMPLOYER--"There's a spirit of unrest among my men. "

VISITOR--"What about?"

EMPLOYER--"Because they can not find any excuse to go out on astrike. "--_Judge_. 

SUBSTITUTES

Speaking of substitutes for gasoline, there is the street-car ticket. 

"Neurasthenia, " said Mrs. Biggums to her cook, "I think we will havesome chicken croquettes today out of that leftover pork and calves'liver. "

"Yes'm, " said Neurasthenia, called Teeny for short. "An' we got alittle bread dressin' what went wid the pork, mum. Shall I make someapple sauce out'n hit, mum?"

A very pretty young woman had been asked to dinner by the mother of ayoung man who admired her very much. 

While waiting for dinner to be announced the four-year-old nieceof the young man came into the room and climbed into the lap of heruncle, of whom she seemed very fond. 

The young lady said coaxingly: "Come, Mary, give me a kiss"; but thechild hid her face on her uncle's arm. The young woman urged the childto come to her, saying again: "Won't you give me a kiss?"

The little girl said: "No, I don't want to. " Then she brightened upand said: "Uncle Fred, you do it. "

"Your honor, " said the prosecuting attorney, "your bull pup has wentand chawed up the court Bible. "

"Well, " grumbled the Court, "make the witness kiss the pup; we can'tadjourn court to get a new Bible. "

MR. NEWLYWED--"Did you sew the button on my coat, darling?"

MRS. NEWLYWED--"No, love; I couldn't find the button, and so I justsewed up the buttonhole. "--_Judge_. 

TOURIST (in village notion-store)--"Whaddya got in the shape ofautomobile-tires?"

SALESLADY--"Funeral wreaths, life-preservers, invalid cushions, anddoughnuts. "--_Judge_. 

SUBURBS

"Pa, what is a suburb, anyhow?"

"A place which has lost the joy of the country and lacks the feverishdelight of the city. "

SUBWAYS

"There's no danger in riding in these subways, is there?"

"I should say so. The last time I tried them I found myself inBrooklyn. "

FIRST SUBWAY DIRECTOR--"We may have to provide more seats. "

SECOND SUBWAY DIRECTOR-"Nonsense! Simply have 'The Star-SpangledBanner' played on all cars. "--_Life_. 

SUCCESS

Success in any line is no more an accident than the ball player'sbatting average is a streak of luck. It is putting the right hits inthe right place and keeping the good work up--it's head work. 

 _He Must Dig_

 He wanted a job, and, like every one else, He wanted a good one, you know; Where his clothes would not soil and his hands would keep clean, And the salary must'nt be low. He asked for a pen; but they gave him a spade, And he half turned away with a shrug. But he altered his mind, and seizing the spade--he dug. 

 He worked with a will that is bound to succeed, And the months and the years went along. The way it was rough and the labor was hard, But his heart he kept filled with a song. Some jeered him and sneered at the task; but he plugged Just as hard as he ever could plug; Their words never seemed to disturb him a bit--as he dug. 

 The day came at last when they called for the spade, And gave him a pen in its place. The joy of achievement was sweet to his taste, And victory shone in his face. We can't always get what we hope for at first-- Success cuts many queer jigs-- But one thing is sure, a boy will succeed--if he digs. 

 --_Pleasant Hours_. 

There is no open door to the Temple of Success. Every man who entersforges his own key and cannot effect an entrance for anyone else. Noteven his own children can pass this door. Remember that the key thatwill unlock your greatest opportunities must be forged by yourself. No outside Power, no help from friends or relations can do as much foryou as you can do for yourself. 

 It's doing your job the best you can And being just to your fellowman; It's making money, but holding friends, And staying true to your aims and ends; It's figuring how and learning why, And looking forward and thinking high, And dreaming a little and doing much; It's always keeping in closest touch, With what is finest in word and deed; It's being thorough, yet making speed; It's struggling on with a will to win, But taking loss with a cheerful grin; It's sharing sorrow and work and mirth And making better this good old earth; It's serving, striving through strain and stress, It's doing your noblest--that's Success. 

_Six Suggestions for Success_

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greaterachievement of the future. 

To wear a cheerful countenance at all times, and to have a smile forevery living creature you meet. 

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you will haveno time to criticize others. 

To be too big for worry, too noble for anger and too strong for fear. 

To think well of your self and to proclaim this fact to the world--notin loud words, but in great deeds. 

To live in the faith that the world is on your side so long as you aretrue to the best that is in you. 

The world knows but little of failures, and cares less. The world onlywatches the successes. 

Stop worrying over things that can't be helped and go and do thingsthat can be done. 

Few people care a continental for your failure. Few, if any, willhelp. 

You may sit and magnify your mistakes, mourn and go mad over yourblunders, but men will only smile that cynical smile and say of you, "He's no good. "

Self-pity, sympathy soliciting, wishing and wailing will only let youdown lower. Brace up. Brush up. Think up. And you will get up. Thinkdown. Look down. Act down. And you will stay down. 

Paint your face with a smile. Advertise that you are a success. Thenthink and work for it. 

Whatever you think you are is the price they will pay. 

In every contest of life, remember the shell must fit the gun. 

 _It Couldn't Be Done_

 Somebody said that it couldn't be done, But he with a chuckle replied That "maybe it couldn't, " but he would be one Who wouldn't say so till he'd tried. So he buckled right in, with a trace of a grin On his face. If he worried he hid it. He started to sing as he tackled the thing That couldn't be done--and he did it. 

 Somebody scoffed: "Oh, you'll never do that-- At least, no one ever has done it"; But he took off his coat, and he took off his hat, And the first thing we knew he'd begun it. With a lift of his chin and a bit of a grin, Without any doubting or quiddit, He started to sing as he tackled the thing That couldn't be done--and he did it. 

 There are thousands who'll tell you it cannot be done, There are thousands who prophecy failure; There are thousands to point out to you, one by one, The dangers that wait to assail you. But just buckle in with a bit of a grin, Then take off your coat and go to it. Just start in to sing as you tackle the thing That "cannot be done"--and you'll do it. 

 --_Edgar A. Guest_. 

A sea captain was talking about the English admiral, Lord Fisher. 

"I once asked Lord Fisher, " he said, "what he attributed his rapidrise to. 

"'To power of initiative, ' Lord Fisher answered promptly. 

"'Power of initiative, my lord?' And I scratched my head. 'How wouldyou define power of initiative?"

"'Disobeying orders, ' said Lord Fisher. "

It has been well said if you are doing anything exceptionally well, "though you build your home in the heart of the forest the world willmake a beaten track to your door. "

 While you are flirting with success And making plans to nab it, Some other chap, who fusses less, May rush right up and grab it. 

The two keys to success are luck and pluck--luck in finding some oneto pluck. --_Life_. 

"The road to success is apt to be a long, hard one, my boy. "

"Are there no short cuts, father?"

"Yes, my son. Our penitentiaries are full of men who took the shortcuts. "

"How is your little brother, Johnny?"

"Sick abed. He hurt himself. "

"That's too bad. How did he do it?"

"We were playing who could lean furthest out of the window, and hewon. "

_See also_ Determination. 

SUITORS

The one who brings candy and eats most of it himself. 

The nice beau with the little automobile. 

The not-so-nice one with the big automobile. 

The handsome suitor who talks about himself. 

The man who likes theaters and tea. 

The man who would make a better uncle than husband. 

The one who means well. 

The right man. 

"My dear, " said the proud father, "I can not understand your objectionto young Prudely as a suitor for your hand. I am sure that he is amodel young man. "

"There is no question about his being a model, " replied the bewitchingbeauty; "but, father, dear, the trouble is that he is a 1912 model. "

HER MOTHER--"My daughter sings, plays the piano, paints, understandsbotany, zoology, French, Italian--in fact is accomplished in everyway. And you, sir?"

PROSPECTIVE SON-IN-LAW--"Well, in an emergency I suppose I could cooka little and mend the socks. "

SUMMER RESORTS

"We are taking in boarders this summer. "

"Have they found it out yet?"

SUNDAY

The solemn Sabbath air was wracked by strident cries from "de gang, "engaged in a game of one-eyed cat. Finally the good lady of the houseventured a protest and suggestion. 

"Boys, " she said, "don't you know that it is Sunday and you mustn'tplay ball in the front-yard? Go in the back-yard and play, if youmust. "

"Hey, youse!" yelled the leader to his followers. "Come on in theback-yard. It ain't Sunday there. "

 _Sunday the Thirteenth_

 Must the new morn Be a Blue morn? Must we backward turn to find The kind of day To while away The stalwart modern mind?

 Must the Sun day Be the one day When the sun is banned to all? Must our play day Be a gray day Locked behind a prison wall?

 Must the rest day Be a pest day? Must we bore ourselves to death By boding ill From sitting still To curb each merry breath?

 Must the feast day Be the least day, Robbed of all the things we'd seek? Must our proud day Be a shroud day With rehearsals once a week?

 --_Mabel Haughton Collyer_. 

 _Keeping Calm_

 I have my share of grief and care, Beyond the slightest doubt; I have enough of dreadful stuff Each day to fret about. So when I see prepared for me A line of stuff like this: "The Sabbath gang now want to hang The man who steals a kiss! They'd kill the joy of man and boy, Who'd spend the Sabbath day By motoring where song birds sing, And put all fun away!" I do not fret and get upset, And let that frighten me; Let others storm--that's one reform That's never going to be!

 --_Edgar A. Guest_. 

Recent clerical utterances against Sunday amusements raise thequestion of whether a clergyman, with six days for outdoor recreation, is the one best qualified to pass on a Sabbath schedule of toilers whowork from sun to sun six days a week. 

LADY (to small boy who is fishing)--"I wonder what your father wouldsay if he caught you fishing on Sunday?"

BOY--"I don't know. You'd better ask him. That's him a little fartherup the stream. "

FOND MOTHER--"Oh, Reginald! Reginald! I thought I told you not to playwith your soldiers on Sunday. "

REGINALD--"But I call them the Salvation Army on Sunday. "

"Helen, I really cannot permit you to read novels on the Sabbath. "

"But, grandma, this one is all right; it tells about a girl who wasengaged to three Episcopal clergymen all at once. "

Enforcement of the blue laws would make Sunday not a day of restingbut of arresting. 

When the New York National League ball club was playing in Boston, alocal clergyman called at the hotel where the players were stoppingone Sunday to congratulate Mathewson on his stand against playing onthe Sabbath. 

The clerk made a few mysterious inquiries and then said: "Sorry, sir, but Mr. Mathewson is out playing golf. "--_Everybody's_. 

SUNDAY SCHOOLS

"Ef yo' had your choice, Liza, which would yo' rather do--live, or diean' go to heaven?"

"Ah'd rather live. "

"Why, Liza White, yo' scan'lous chile! Sunday-school hain't done yo'no good'tall!"--_Life_. 

JIMMIE AND BOBBIE--"Mother I don't mind going to Sunday school anyother day, but it just spoils Sunday. "

Little Raymond returned home from Sunday school in a very joyousmood. "Oh, mother, " he exclaimed as he entered the house, "thesuperintendent said something awfully nice about me in his prayer thismorning!"

"Isn't that lovely! What did he say, pet?" questioned the mother. 

"He said, 'O Lord, we thank thee for our food and Raymond. '"

SUPERSTITION

MRS. WIGGS--"Is Billy sick, Mrs. Skinner?"

MRS. SKINNER--"Well, 'e ain't exactly sick, but no stummick can standthirteen buns! It's an unlucky number. "-_Puck_. 

"And you wouldn't begin a journey on Friday?"

"Not I. "

"I can't understand how you can have faith in such a sillysuperstition. "

"No superstition about it. Saturday's my pay day. "

SURPRISE

"Do you think Gladys was surprised when I proposed to her?" inquiredthe happy youth. 

"About as surprised, " answered Miss Cayenne, "as a candidate who hasreceived formal notification that he has been nominated. "

Boss entering his factory caught two of his employees shooting crapsduring working hours. "Oh! what is the matter with you?"

"Well boss, I can't help it, you see you got rubber heels. "

SYMPATHY

BEGGAR--"I haven't tasted food for a month. "

DYSPEPTIC--"You ain't missing much. It's the same old taste. "

Every seat was occupied, when a group of women got in. The conductornoticed a man who he thought was asleep. 

"Wake up!" shouted the conductor. 

"I wasn't asleep, " said the passenger. 

"Not asleep! Then what did you have your eyes closed for?"

"It was because of the crowded condition of the car, " explained thepassenger. "I hate to see the women standing. "

SYNONYMS

TEACHER--"Hawkins, what is a synonym?"

HAWKINS--"Please, sir, it's a word you use in place of another whenyou cannot spell the other one. "

TACT

"I must say these are fine biscuits!" exclaimed the young husband. 

"How could you say those are fine biscuits?" inquired the young wife'smother, in a private interview. 

"I didn't say they were fine. I merely said I must say so. "

Johnny liked ice-cream, but he drew the line at turning the freezer. One day when his mother returned home she was agreeably surprized tofind him working away at the crank as tho his life depended on it. "I don't see how you got him to turn the freezer, " she said to herhusband; "I offered him a dime to do it. "

"You didn't go at it in the right way, my dear, " replied the husband. "I bet him a nickel he couldn't turn it for half an hour. "

MRS. X. --"Bothered with time-wasting callers, are you? Why don't youtry my plan?"

MRS. Y. --"What is your plan?"

MRS. X. --"Why, when the bell rings, I put on my hat and gloves beforeI press the button. If it proves to be some one I don't want to see, Isimply say 'So sorry, but I'm just going out. '"

MRS. Y. --"But suppose it's some one you want to see?"

MRS. X. --"Oh, then I say, 'So fortunate, I've just come in. '"

WIFE--"But, my dear, you've forgotten again that today is mybirthday. "

HUSBAND--"Er--listen, love. I know I forgot it, but there isn't athing about you to remind me that you are a day older than you were ayear ago. "

Little Charlotte accompanied her mother to the home of anacquaintance, where a dinner-dance was being given. When thedessert-course was reached the little girl was brought down and givena place next to her mother at the table. 

The hostess was a woman much given to talking, and, in relating someinteresting incidents, quite forgot to give little Charlotte anythingto eat. 

After some time had elapsed, Charlotte could bear it no longer. Withthe sobs rising in her throat, she held up her plate as high as shecould and said:

"Does anybody want a clean plate?"

A Tommy on furlough entered a jeweler's shop and, placing amuch-battered gold watch on the counter, said, "I want this 'eremended. "

After a careful survey the watchmaker said, "I'm afraid, sir, the costof repairing will be double what you gave for it. "

"I don't mind that, " said the soldier. "Will you mend it?"

"Yes, " said the jeweler, "at the price. "

"Well, " remarked Tommy, smiling, "I gave a German a punch on the nosefor it, and I'm quite ready to give you two if you'll mend it. "

An old lady who had been introduced to a doctor who was also aprofessor in a university, felt somewhat puzzled as to how she wouldaddress the great man. 

"Shall I call you 'doctor' or 'professor'?" she asked. 

"Oh! just as you wish, " was the reply; "as a matter of fact, somepeople call me an old idiot. "

"Indeed, " she said, sweetly, "but then, they are people that knowyou. "

The hostess had trouble in getting Mr. Harper to sing. After the songhad been given, she came up with a smiling face to her guest, and madethe ambiguous remark:

"Now, Mr. Harper, you must never tell me again that you can notsing--I know now!"

THE HOST--"It's beginning to rain; you'd better stay to dinner. "

THE GUEST--"Oh, thanks very much; but it's not bad enough for that. "

TALKERS

 Words are like leaves, and where they most abound, Much fruit of sense beneath is rarely found. 

 --_Pope_. 

"I have just heard of a woman who went to a hotel unaccompanied anddiscovered that the acoustic properties of her room were such thatevery time she spoke aloud there was an echo. She then made a boldattempt to get in a last word, and in so doing talked herself todeath. "

"A whole lot o' de talk dat goes 'round, " said Uncle Eben, "ain' nomo' real help in movin' forward dan de squeak in an axle. "

The school-teacher had punished Tommy so often for talking duringschool hours, and the punishment had been apparently without effect, that, as a last resort, she decided to notify Tommy's father of hisson's fault. So, following the deportment word in his next report werethese words, "Tommy talks a great deal. "

In due time the report was returned with these words after thefather's signature, "You ought to hear his mother. "

 _Just Suppose_

 If all that we say In a single day, With never a word left out, Were printed each night In clear black and white, 'Twould prove queer reading, no doubt. 

 And then just suppose Ere one's eyes he could close. He must read the day's record through, Then wouldn't one sigh, And wouldn't he try A great deal less talking to do?

 And I more than half think That many a kink Would be smoother in life's tangled thread, If one-half that we say In a single day Were left forever unsaid. 

Mrs. Jenkins, a regular visitor in the doctor's consulting room, started on the long story of her troubles. The doctor endured itpatiently and gave her another bottle. At last she started out, andthe doctor was congratulating himself, when she stopped and exclaimed:"Why, doctor, you didn't look to see if my tongue was coated. "

"I know it isn't, " wearily replied the medical man. "You don't findgrass on a race track. "

Another one of our patrons finds her husband a trifle too studious. She called for a volume of Blackstone he had ordered and when she sawthe ominous size of the volume sighed deeply, "That means I'll have togo out nights. He says I talk too much!"

_See also_ Wives; Woman. 

TARDINESS

MR. PECK--"Would you mind compelling me to move on, officer? I've beenwaiting on this corner three hours for my wife!"--_Puck_. 

"Why is it you never get to the office on time in the morning?"demanded the boss angrily. 

"It's like this, boss, " explained the tardy one, "you kept tellingme not to watch the clock during office hours, and I got so I didn'twatch it at home either. "

"This is the fourth morning you've been late, Rufus, " said the man tohis colored chauffeur. 

"Yes, sah, " replied Rufus. "I did oversleep myself, sah. "

"Where is that clock I gave you?"

"In my room, sah. "

"Don't you wind it up?"

"Oh, yes, sah. I winds it up, sah. "

"And do you set the alarm?"

"Ev'ry night, sah, I set de alarm, sah. "

"But don't you hear the alarm in the morning, Rufus?"

"No, sah, dere's de trouble, sah. Yer see de blame thing goes offwhile I'm asleep, sah. "

Professor Copeland, of Harvard, as the story goes, reproved hisstudents for coming late to class. 

"This is a class in English composition, " he remarked with sarcasm, "not an afternoon tea. "

At the next meeting one girl was twenty minutes late. ProfessorCopeland waited until she had taken her seat. Then he remarkedbitingly:

"How will you have your tea, Miss Brown?"

"Without the lemon, please, " Miss Brown answered quite gently. 

TAX

The most successful statesman is going to be the statesman who candevise a tax nobody will be able to detect. 

MACPHERSON (at the box office)--"Will ye kindly return me the amount Ipaid for amusement tax?"

CLERK--"Why, sir?"

MACPHERSON--"We wasna amused. "

The man who ran the elevator of the sky-scraper was talking to apassenger. 

"The judge certainly did soak him, " he said. "He sentenced him tothree years and ten days. Now I understand the three years all right;but what the ten days were for I'd like to know?"

"That was the war-tax, " said a quiet citizen who got abroad at thetenth floor. 

MRS. CASEY--"An' phwat are yez doin' wid thot incoom-tax paper, Casey?"

CASEY--"Oi'm thryin' to figger out how much money Oi save by nothavin' anny. "--_Life_. 

The Tax? No wonder Men abhor it!

You raise a Crop, they fine you for it!

TEACHERS

FATHER (meaningly)--"Who is the laziest member of your class, Tommy?"

TOMMY--"I don't know, pa. "

FATHER--"I should think you should know. When all the others areindustriously studying or writing their lessons, who is it sits idlyin his seat and watches the rest, instead of working himself?"

TOMMY--"The teacher. "

The Literary Digest offers each week a prize of fifty dollars for thebest argument in compact form for better salaries for teachers. Theeditor of The Reporter humbly submits to the editor of The Digest thisbit of pathos:

"What shape, madam, was the pocketbook you lost?"

"Flat. I'm a teacher. "

The kindergarten had been studying the wind all week--its power, effects, etc. --until the subject had been pretty well exhausted. Tostimulate interest, the kindergartner said, in her most enthusiasticmanner: "Children, as I came to school today in the trolley-car, thedoor opened and something came softly in and kissed me on the cheek. What do you think it was?"

And the children joyfully answered, "The conductor!"--_Harper's_. 

"We have just learned of a teacher who started poor twenty yearsago and has retired with the comfortable fortune of fifty thousanddollars. This was acquired through industry, economy, conscientiouseffort, indomitable perseverance, and the death of an uncle who lefther an estate valued at $49, 999. 50. "

"Pa, " inquired a seven-year-old seeker after the truth, "is it truethat school-teachers get paid?"

"Certainly it is, " said the father. 

"Well, then, " said the youth indignantly, "that ain't right. Whyshould the teachers get paid when us kids do all the work?"

While the school teacher was away at the annual meeting of the stateassociation she sent all of her little pupils a postcard greeting. Little Edgar replied in kind and on his card wrote: "I hope you areenjoying our vacation. "

_See also_ Fords. 

TEACHING

About the most hopeful element in any human being's character I shouldreckon to be teachableness. 

Wherever you meet a man who knows--and knows he knows--and wards offany proof of reasoning of yours with the impenetrable shield of asuperior smile or the dull hostility of a determined eye, you feelthat between you and him there can be no real dealings. 

The wisest minds I find are the most teachable. The wider one'sexperience, the more thorough his study, the braver his heart, and thestronger his intelligence, the more willing he is to hear what you orany man may have to offer. 

Stubbornness is usually the instinctive self-defense of consciousweakness. When one can do nothing else to show his strength heimitates the mule--the most despised of animals. 

Spinoza's maxim was that the two great banes of humanity areself-conceit and the laziness coming from self-conceit. --_Dr. FrankCrane_. 

TEARS

_See_ Woman. 

TELEGRAPH

"Why did you strike the telegraph operator?" asked the magistrate ofthe man who was summoned for assault. 

"Well, sir, I gives him a telegram to send to my gal, and he startsreadin' it. So, of course, I ups and gives him one. "

"Pap, " said the colored youth, "Ah'd like you to expatiate on de waydat de telegraph works. "

"Dat's easy 'nuf, Rastus, " said the old man. "Hit am like dis. Ef derewas a dawg big 'nuf so his head could be in Bosting an' his tailin New Yo'k, den ef you tromp on his tail in New Yo'k he'd bark inBosting. Understan', Rastus?"

"Yes, pap! But how am de wireless telegraph?"

For a moment the old man was stumped. Then he answered easily: "Jessprezactly de same, Rastus, wid de exception dat de dawg am 'maginary. "

An Irishman and a Scot were arguing as to the merits of theirrespective countries. 

"Ah, weel, " said Sandy, "they tore down an auld castle in Scotland andfound many wires under it, which shows that the telegraph was knoonthere hoondreds o' years ago. "

"Well, " said Pat, "they tore down an ould castle in Oireland, andthere was no wires found undher it, which shows that they knew allabout wireless telegraphy in Oireland hundreds av years ago. "

Soon after the instalment of the telegraph in Fredericksburg, Virginia, a little darky, the son of my father's mammy, saw a piece ofnewspaper that had blown up on one of the telegraph wires and caughtthere. Running to my grandmother in a great state of excitement, hecried, "Miss Liza, come quick! Dem wires done buss and done let allthe news out!"

TELEPHONE

The editor of The Japan Times says the telephone service in Japanis utterly bad. He wonders "what Job would have done had he livedin Tokyo and wanted to telephone to the specialist on boils. " Heconcludes with the following incident: "A lady in Karuiwaza called upher house in Tokyo, left by the next train, got the call, and talkedto herself in Karuiwaza six hours after she arrived in Tokyo. "

A suburban housewife relates overhearing this conversation between herCape girl and the one next door:

"How are you, Katje?"

"I'm well; I like my yob. We got cremated cellar, cemetery plumbing, elastic lights and a hoosit. "

"What's a 'hoosit, ' Katje?"

"Oh, a bell rings. You put a thing to your ear and say 'Hello, ' andthen some one says 'Hello, ' and you say 'Hoosit. '"

"There's a story in this paper of a woman that used a telephone forthe first time in eighty-three years. "

"She must be on a party line. "

The girl at the exchange, after you have waited fully ten minutes:

"They don't answer. What number was it you wanted?"

EXCITABLE PARTY (at telephone)--"Hello? Who is this? Who is this, Isay?"

MAN AT OTHER END--"Haven't got time to guess riddles. Tell me yourselfwho you are. "

"I believe, " said the impatient man, as he put aside the telephone, "that I'll go fishing. "

"Didn't know you cared for fishing. "

"I don't ordinarily. But it's the only chance I have of finding myselfat the end of a line that isn't busy. "

"Has the line been busy?" asked the man with a nickel poised betweenhis thumb and forefinger. 

"No, " answered the precise operator. "The line wasn't busy. I was. "

"What name are you calling?" asked the telephone-girl over the wire. 

"McCohan, " the customer answered. 

"I beg pardon?" asked the girl. 

The man repeated it. 

The wire was silent for a moment, then the girl said: "Wait a moment, please. I think the wires are crossed. "

"I once knew an eccentric man, " stated old Festus Pester, "who when hehad got the desired number on the telephone did not demand fiercely, 'Whizz ziss?' Instead he invariably said civilly, 'This is John J. Poppendick, wishing to speak to Mr. Buckover. ' His funeral was thelargest ever held in the neighborhood where he had resided, andthereat strong men broke down and wept like children, being convincedthat they would never again see his like. "--_Judge_. 

Pat walked into the post-office. After getting into the telephone-boxhe called a wrong number. As there was no such number, theswitch-attendant did not answer him. Pat shouted again, but receivedno answer. 

The lady of the post-office opened the door and told him to shout alittle louder, which he did, but still no answer. 

Again she said he would have to speak louder. 

Pat got angry at this, and turning to the lady said:

"Begorra, if I could shout any louder I wouldn't use your bloomin'ould telephone at all!"

_See also_ Strategy. 

TEMPER

Little Molly had been very trying all day. That evening, when hergrown-up sister was putting her to bed, she said she hoped the childwould be a better girl tomorrow, and not make everybody unhappy withher naughty temper. 

Molly listened in silence, thought hard for a few moments, and thensaid, wisely:

"Yes, when it's me it's temper; when it's you it's nerves. "

TEMPERANCE

THE MAN (to a New York waiter)--"--and a glass of good beer!"

THE WAITER--"Sorry, sir. We only serve temperance beverages. "

THE MAN--"Why, I got beer in Rhode Island. "

THE WAITER--"Maybe you did, sir. But that was only by an act ofProvidence. "

A temperance lecturer was enthusiastically denouncing the use of allintoxicants. 

"I wish all the beer, all the wine, all the whiskey in the world wasat the bottom of the ocean, " he said. 

Hastily Pat arose to his feet. 

"Sure, and so do I, sor, " he shouted. "I wish every bit of it was atthe bottom of the sea. "

As they were leaving the hall the lecturer encountered Pat. 

"I certainly am proud of you, " he said. "It was a brave thing for youto rise and say what you did. Are you a teetotaler?"

"No, indade, sor, " answered Pat. "I'm a diver. "

Mayor Fitzgerald of Boston, at a recent temperance banquet wasdiscussing a drink cure of little efficacy. 

"When I think of this cure. " he said "I recall a poor old man with ared nose, who entered a magistrate's office and said:

"I'd like to take the pledge if you please. "

"Very good, " said the polite clerk, "and how long did you wish to takeit for?"

"In the past, " said the old man, "I've always took it for life. "

TEMPTATION

Most of us keep at least one eye on the temptation we pray not to beled into. 

TEN COMMANDMENTS

The Ten Commandments seem to be off on a vacation. Or have they gonein search of the Fourteen Points?

THEATER

Reynold Wolf tells this one of Nora Bayes:

Once Miss Bayes was appearing in a breakfast scene where eggs werebeing served, and a child sitting in a box made manifest his interestin the food. Stepping down to the footlights she tendered theyoungster an egg, but his mother drew back her child with a sign ofannoyance. 

"You should let the young man take it, " said Miss Bayes, quietly. "Itis unique for eggs to be passed from this side of the footlights. "

A big fat man at the theater sat on his overcoat. Thus the little manbehind him could not see at all. 

"I can't see anything, mister, " said the little man plaintively, touching the big man on the shoulder. 

"Can't see anything, hey?"

"No, sir, I can't see a thing. "

"Well, then, I'll fix you up. Just keep your eye on me, and laugh whenI do. "

A vast and determined-looking woman wore a very large hat one eveningat the theater. 

"Madam, " said the attendant politely, "I must request you to removeyour hat. It is annoying this gentleman behind you. "

The massive lady turned and haughtily surveyed the complainant. "Doyou mean that little weedy, undersized creature?" she asked. 

"This gentleman behind you, " the attendant corrected her. 

The lady settled herself down in her place. "You will find it easierand pleasanter, " she said, decisively, "to remove him!"

A Clergyman once wrote to Edwin Booth, the famous tragedian, askingif he might be admitted to Booth's theater by a private door, because, though he very much wished to see Booth act, he didn't like the ideaof being seen entering a theater. Booth wrote back, "Sir, there is nodoor into my theater through which God can not see. "

AUNT MARY (visiting in the city)--"I want to hear at least one of yourfamous grand-opera singers and then see some of your leading actors. "

NEPHEW (to office boy)--"Jimmy, get us some tickets for the vaudevilleand movies. "--_Life_. 

THERMOMETER

Hotel men cannot be niggardly. They must not imitate old CorneliusHusk. Old Corn Husk, you know, saw his boy the other day carrying thethermometer from the kitchen out into the yard. 

"Watcha doin' wi' thet thar thermometer, boy?" he asked. 

"I wanter git the difference in temperacher, pop, betwixt inside andoutside, " the son answered. 

"Wall, quit it, " snapped old Corn Husk, "Keepin' the mercury runnin'up and down the tube like that, fust thing ye know the durnthing'll be worn out, and long'll go twenty-five cents for anotherthermometer. "

THIEVES

He was a very small boy, and the apples he was eyeing were very large. He eyed them for ten minutes, longingly and furtively, while thegreengrocer bustled about serving customers. Now he edged near thetempting basket. Now he edged away again. And at last the greengrocerthought it time to intervene. 

"Now then, Tommy, " he exclaimed, "what are you doing?"

"Nothin', " replied the small boy. 

"Nothin', eh?" said the greengrocer. "Well, it looks to me as thoughyou are trying to steal those apples. "

"You're wrong!" retorted the nipper, "I'm trying not to. "

A carpenter, sent to make some repairs in a private house entered theapartment of the lady of the house with his apprentice and began towork. 

"Mary, " the lady said to her maid, "see that my jewel-case is lockedup at once!"

The carpenter understood. He removed his watch and chain from his vestin a significant manner and handed them to his apprentice. 

"John, " said he, "take these right back to the shop. It seems thatthis house isn't safe. "--_Harper's_. 

In the office of the prison warden at Canon City, Colorado, a cleverand notorious swindler was being divested of the contents of hispockets. As each article was removed, it was carefully examined, listed and then placed temporarily on a nearby desk. Among thearticles was a badly tarnished silver dollar, barely distinguishableas money. 

At the conclusion of the search, the prisoner pointed to thedull-looking coin and in a suppliant tone asked the warden:

"Would you mind letting me keep that with me?"

"Why?" asked the warden. 

"Oh, just a little sentiment, I suppose, " the prisoner explained. "Youknow, it's the first dollar I ever stole. "

_See also_ Chicken stealing; Lawyers. 

THRIFT

Mr. Benson went to New York to business, but lived in Brooklyn. Oftenhe was not able to get home in time for dinner at night. He told hiswife that he would phone her every day as to whether he could leavethe office or not. 

Mrs. Benson was of a very thrifty disposition, and the following washer solution of the problem: "Sam, if you find that you can't be homefor dinner, phone me at exactly six o'clock. If the telephone rings atthat hour, I'll know it is you and that you are not coming for dinner. I won't answer it, and you'll get your nickel back. "

Saving is a habit; extravagance, an art. 

Secretary of War Baker tells a story of a country youth who wasdriving to the county fair with his sweetheart when they passed abooth where fresh popcorn was for sale. 

"My! Abner, ain't that nice?" said the girl. 

"Ain't what nice?" asked Abner. 

"Why, the popcorn; it smells so awfully good, " replied the girl. 

"It does smell kind o' fine, " drawled the youth. "I'll jest drive alittle closer so you can get a better smell. "

BUTTONS--"Get up! Get up! The hotel's afire!"

SCOTTISH GENTLEMAN--"Richt, laddie; but if I do, mind ye, I'll no payfor the bed. "

SETTLEMENT WORKER (visiting tenements)--"And your father is workingnow and getting two pounds a week? That's splendid! And how much doeshe put away every Saturday night, my dear?"

LITTLE GIRL--"Never less than three quarts, ma'am!"

HE--"I am a poor man, you know. "

SHE--"When we are married I can learn to cook, dear. "

HE--"Hadn't you better practise while your father is supplying the rawmaterials?"

See also Economy; Scotch, The. 

TIDES

The destroyer Sharkey, which arrived in New York Harbor some days ago, dropped anchor near the Statue of Liberty on the starboard side, butduring the night the tide shifted it about to the portside. 

This transformation was most perplexing to a rookie gob, who finallyconfided his problem to a C. P. O. 

"Well, you see, it's like this, " the oldtimer informed him, "NewYork and Brooklyn both claim the statue, so to stop the argument theGovernment lets New York have it one day and then moves it over to theBrooklyn side the next. "

TIME

 _Time's Prisoner_

 I am content with Now, whate'er befall, Whether I will or no, Today is all; No matter whether swift or slow my tread I find tomorrow still a day ahead; I cannot overtake eternity-- It turns to time and slips away from me, And in like wise I go upon my way Only a day ahead of yesterday!

 --_Harry Kemp_. 

One Hoyt was fishing from the banks of a stream when there approachedhim an individual named Gates, who remarked, with a yawn: "Time ain'tvery valuable to you, brother, that's plain. Here I been a-watchin'you three hours and you ain't had a bite. "

"Well, " drawled the fisherman, "my time's too valuable, anyhow, towaste three hours of it watchin' a feller fish that ain't gettin' abite. "

Uncle Lige bought a clock, so tall that it was almost impossible toget it into the house. The old man was extremely proud of it, andfound it very good company. He would lie awake nights to hear it tick. One night the clock got out of order, and began to strike. 

The old man awoke and counted one hundred and two. He promptly sat upin bed, and calling to his wife said, "Cynthy, get up, get up. It'slater than I've ever knowed it to be. "

PROF (in geology)--"The geologist thinks nothing of a thousand years. "

SOPH--"Great guns! And I loaned a geologist ten dollars yesterday!"

"Paw, what's the longest period of time?"

"From one pay-day to the next. "

CALLER--"Is your mother at home, Elsie?"

CHILD OF BUSY WAR WORKER--"Goodness, no! She won't be at hometoday until about Saturday. Why, she hasn't got home yesterdayyet. "--_Life_. 

FIRST LOAFER--"I 'ear all the men 'ave gone on strike. "

SECOND LOAFER--"Wat 'ave they struck for?"

FIRST LOAFER--"Shorter hours. "

SECOND LOAFER--"I always said as 'ow sixty minutes was too long for anhour. "

"Time is precious, " said the parson. 

"It is, indeed, " rejoined the business man, "and I've wasted an awfullot of it. "

"By indulging in foolish pleasures, I suppose?" suggested the goodman. 

"Not exactly, " replied the other. "I wasted most of it by beingpunctual in keeping my appointments with others. "

_See also_ Daylight saving. 

TIPS

The sailor had been showing the lady visitor over the ship. Inthanking him she said:

"I see that by the rules of your ship tips are forbidden. "

"Lor' bless yer 'eart, ma'am, " replied Jack, "so were the apples inthe Garden of Eden. "

Tipping is said to be due to public weakness and it is also due to thedesire to have luncheon served in time for dinner. 

LUNCHER--"Look here, waiter, I'm very sorry, but I've only justsufficient money with me to pay the bill, and nothing left for a tipfor you. "

WAITER (confidently)--"Would you mind just letting me 'ave anotherlook at the bill, sir?"

He was dining alone and had much time to puzzle over an unusualphenomenon he had noted. 

"Why is it, Sam, " he said, addressing the waiter, "that poor menusually give larger tips than rich men?"

"Well, suh, " rejoined the woolly-headed knight of the napkinsmeditatively, "looks to me like de po' man don't want nobody to findout he's po' an' de rich man don't want nobody to find out he's rich. "

"What's the difference between valor and discretion?"

"Well, to go to a swell restaurant without tipping the waiter would bevalor. "

"I see. And discretion?"

"That would be to dine at a different restaurant the next day. "

TOURISTS _See_ Travelers. 

TRADE

When they beat their swords into plowshares, the next move is to beattheir competitors into foreign markets. 

TRADE MARKS

Most of the wrinkles in a business man's face are trademarks. 

TRADE UNIONS

TEACHER--"If a man gets four dollars for working eight hours a day, what would he get if he worked ten hours a day?"

JOHNNY--"Ten hours a day? He'd get a call-down from de union. "

"What are you doin' of, James?"

"Sharpenin' a bit o' pencil. "

"You'll 'ave the Union after you, me lad. That's a carpenter's job, "

TRAMPS

TRAMP--"Madam, I was at the front--"

KIND-HEARTED LADY--"My poor man. Another victim of that terrible war. Here's a dollar. Tell me how you got into these straits. "

TRAMP-"I was going to say that I was at the front door an' nobodyanswered, so I came around to the back. Thankee, mum. "

MRS. SUBBUBS (to tramp)--"Out of work, are you? Then you're just intime. I've a cord of wood to be cut up and I was just going to sendfor a man to do it. "

TRAMP--"That so, mum? Where does he live? I'll go and get him. "

BOXCAR HARRY--"Beg pardon, ma'am, but do you happen to have some pieor cake that you could spare an unfortunate wanderer?"

LADY OF THE HOUSE--"No, I'm afraid not. Wouldn't some bread and butterdo?"

BOXCAR HARRY--"As a general rule it would, ma'am; but, you see, thisis my birthday. "

TRAVELERS

A party of tourists were going through a small town, having the timeof their lives, laughing and joking. One of them thought she wouldhave some fun, and called to a little girl standing near, "Are thereany shows in town?" To which the little girl answered, "Only the oneyou people are making. "

The value of travel oftentimes depends upon who travels. 

Mrs. Williams, who had recently returned from abroad, was attending anafternoon tea given in her honor. 

"And did you actually go to Rome?" asked the hostess. 

"I really don't know, my dear, " replied Mrs. Williams. "You see, myhusband always bought the tickets. "

_See also_ Americans; Destination. 

TREES

 I think that I shall never see A poem lovely as a tree. 

 A tree whose hungry mouth is prest Against the earth's most flowing breast. 

 A tree that looks at God all day And lifts her leafy arms to pray;

 A tree that may in summer wear A nest of robins in her hair;

 Upon whose bosom snow has lain; Who intimately lives with rain. 

 Poems are made by fools like me, But only God can make a tree. 

 --_Joyce Kilmer_. 

TRENCHES

CHEERFUL ONE (to newcomer, on being asked what the trenches arelike)--"If yer stands up yer get sniped; if yer keeps down yer getsdrowned; if yer moves about yer gets shelled; and if yer stands stillyer gets court-martialed for frost-bite. "--_Punch_. 

TROUBLE

The cheery caller tried to persuade old Aunt Martha not to dwell uponher troubles, telling her she would feel happier if she ignored them. "Well, honey, " said the old lady, "I dunno 'bout dat. I allus 'lowedwhen de Lord send me tribulation he done spec' me to tribulate. "

TRUTH

Many truths expressed are never claimed at their destination. 

Truth is elastic. Don't stretch it unless you want it to fly back andsting you. 

FIRST STUDENT (wearily)--"I suppose I'll be up all night tonight; Ihave to make out my expense account. "

SECOND (more hopefully)--"Why don't you tell the truth and get a goodnight's rest?"

The two village trouble-makers had gotten into a row and the matterwas up in court. Uncle Wash, an old gentleman of color, was a witness. 

"Now, uncle, " said the lawyer, "tell me just what conversationoccurred. "

"I kain't jes' remember it all, " replied the candid Wash, "excep' dateach one was callin' de other what dey is. "

"Truth crushed to earth will rise again" said the hopeful person. 

"Yes, " replied the cynic; "but it's liable to have to go with a crutchfor some time after. "

UMBRELLAS

"It says here that a Missouri man boasts that he has an umbrella thathas been in his possession for twenty years, " said Smith. 

"Well, " replied Jones, "that's long enough. He ought to return it. "

FIRST ARTIST--"The umbrella you lent me? I have lent it to a friend. "

SECOND ARTIST--"That is very awkward. The man who lent it to my friendtells him that the owner wants it. "

"Little girl, why aren't you provided with an umbrella?" "Becausefather hasn't been to church this year. "--_Puck_. 

"Young man, " said the fond father, "in giving you my daughter, I haveentrusted you with the dearest treasure of my life. "

The young man was duly impressed and made no endeavor to conceal hisemotion and his gratitude. Then, during the few moments of impressivesilence that followed, he heard the patter, patter of rain against thewindow. 

"Goodness me!" he exclaimed, "it's raining and I haven't my umbrella!May I borrow yours, sir, to keep me dry while I run to the station?"

"Young man, " said the fond parent, "I do not trust anyone with myumbrella!"

UNEXPECTED

"It is the unexpected that always happens, " observed the Sage. 

"Well, " commented the Fool, "if this is true, why don't we learn toexpect it?"

UNITED STATES

After the janitor had tacked a new map on the wall, Umson said toAmley:

"By golly, the United States is getting to be a great place, ain'tit?"

"Yes, " said Amley, "if it gets to be much bigger I'll have to move mydesk. "

VACATIONS

Our unfortunate experience is that a day off is generally followed byan off day. 

A vocation is something you do for a living, an avocation somethingyou do for a while, a vacation something you couldn't stick at verylong without being dead broke and dead tired. 

JUDGE--"Six months!"

COS COB CON--"Ah, wot a relief! Now I kin stop worrying about whereI'm going ter spend de summer. "

VALUE

 There, little dollar, don't you cry; You _may_ buy something by and by. 

A Pennsylvania farmer was the owner of a good Alderney cow. Astranger, having admired the animal, asked the farmer: "What will youtake for your cow?"

The farmer scratched his head for a moment, and then said: "Looka-here, be you the tax assessor or has she been killed by therailroad?"

CALLER--"It's a good thing to teach your boy the value of money, asyou are doing. "

HOST--"Well, I don't know. He used to behave for ten cents, but now hedemands a quarter. "

FOOTPAD--"Your money or your life!"

MRS. TIGHTLY--"That's reasonable enough, Jake! You've got only 50cents. "

VANITY

Little Beryl, aged ten, was a very pretty and intelligent girl, butshe had one fault--she was inclined to be vain. At every availableopportunity she gazed at herself complacently in the looking-glass. Her fond papa noticed that the habit was growing upon her and tookupon himself the duty of correcting it. 

"Why do you always look in the glass?" he asked. 

"I was just thinking how nice I looked, " answered Beryl. 

"You mustn't be so vain, child. Remember we are all as nature madeus. "

"Did nature make you, papa?"

"Yes. "

"Then, " said Beryl, looking at him and then at her reflection in themirror, "don't you think nature is turning out better work than sheused to?"

VEGETARIANS

"Ever bothered with tramps out your way?"

"No; I have a sign on the gate reading: 'We are vegetarians, but ourdog isn't. '"

Ordering a copy of Tennyson's poems, a customer wrote to an Englishbookseller, "Please do not send me one bound in calf, as I am avegetarian. "

Mother gave the children an apple each. In little Marion's there was aworm hole that obviously had a tenant. "You take this one, Tommy, " shesaid; "I'se a vegetarian. "

VENTILATION

American people have a very high appreciation of the humor ofEnglishmen, and have been specially tickled by a story Colonel Codyused to tell. He said that some years ago an Englishman who had neverbeen in the West before was his guest. They were riding through aRocky-Mountain canon one day, when suddenly a tremendous gust of windcame swooping down upon them and actually carried the Englishman cleanoff the wagon-seat. After he had been picked up, he combed the sandand gravel out of his whiskers and said:

"I say! I think you overdo ventilation in this country!"

The street-car conductor examined the transfer thoughtfully and saidmeekly, "This here transfer expired an hour ago, lady. " The lady, digging into her purse after a coin, replied, "No wonder, with not asingle ventilator open in the whole car!"

VOICE

Speech was given to man to disguise his thoughts. --_Talleyrand_. 

VOTING

PAT--"Sure, I voted th' Raypublican ticket!"

MIKE--"Would ye trust such a party as thot?"

PAT--"They didn't ask me to--they paid me cash. "

In St. Louis there is one ward that is full of breweries. In a recentelection the local option question was up. After the election theclerks were counting the votes. One was calling off and another takingdown the option votes. The first clerk, running rapidly through theballots, said: "Wet, wet, wet, wet. " Suddenly he stopped. "Mein Gott!"he cried. "Dry!" Then he went on: "Wet, wet, wet, wet. " Presentlyhe stopped again and mopped his brow. "Himmel!" he said. "Theson-of-a-gun repeated. "

DORA-"How did you vote?"

FLORA-"In my brown suit and squirrel toque. "

"I do hope that when I am able to vote, " said the pretty young wife, "I will be as influential in politics as my husband. "

"How is that?" asked her friend. 

"Why, he has voted in two Presidential elections, and both times hischoice was elected. "

WAGES

 The hours you spend with me, dear "Mon, " Are very few, it seems to me; I count you over, every dime apart, MY SALARY. My salary!

 Ten cents a dime, ten dimes a "plunk. " To earn them is an awful grind; I count each dime unto the end, and there-- A "dun" I find. 

 Oh toil, that is so poorly paid! Oh salary, spent before we greet! I kiss each dime, and try to find a way To make ends meet-- Ye gods! To make ends meet!

 --_Anne Alfreda Mellish_. 

Sign on butcher shop reads, "Tongue 48 cents, Brains 33 cents. " Someone remarks that this proportion of payment is quite often the case. 

A downtown merchant, while engaged in the office the other morning, discovered that he had left his pocket knife at home and, as he neededone urgently, he asked the different clerks, but none of them happenedto have one. Finally the errand boy hustled in and the merchant calledhim, asking if he was able to produce the desired article. Jimmyhanded over his "pigsticker. "

"How is it, Jimmy, that you alone out of my entire staff seem to havea pocketknife with you?" smiled the proprietor, eyeing Jimmy withundisguised admiration. 

"Dunno, sir, " replied the youth, "unless it's because my wages are solow that I can't afford more'n one pair of pants. "

FIRST LABORING MAN--"Wot's a minimum wage, Albert?"

SECOND DITTO--"Wot yer gets for goin' to yer work. If yer wants termake a bit more yer does a bit o' work for it. "_--Punch_. 

The workman was busily employed by the roadside, and the wayfarerpaused to inquire, "What are you digging for?" The workman looked up. 

"Money, "' he replied. 

"Money! And when do you expect to strike it, my good man?"

"On Saturday!" replied the other, and resumed operations. 

WAR

Some nations were fighting fiercely. 

"Why are you fighting so?" inquired the bystanders, moved at length tocuriosity. 

"To save civilization!" replied the nations severally. 

Here a draggled figure rose from the mire under the feet of thecombatants and limped lamely away. 

"And who are you?" asked the bystanders, with a disposition to get tothe bottom of the matter. 

"Don't speak to me--I'm civilization!" the figure made answer, somewhat pettishly. 

"What if we loses this blinkin' war after all, Bill?"

"Well, all I can say is--them what finds it is quite welcome to keepit. "

If we must have wars, let's adopt the pay-as-you-enter plan. 

The war left the world so flat that Voliva may be excused for denyingthat it is round. 

VISITOR--"It's a terrible war, this, young man--a terrible war. "

MIKE (badly wounded)--"'Tis that, sor--a tirrible warr. But 'tisbetter than no warr at all. "_--Punch_. 

_See also_ European War. 

WEALTH

BENNETT--"My, Storer must be rich. "

JONES--"How so?"

BENNETT--"He was cleaning his mother's windows with gold dust in thewater. "

WEATHER

A Salina man tells this as happening to him. Early in the morning onewinter's day, came a wire from a friend in Chicago: "How's the weathertoday out there?"

"The sun is shining, " the Salina man wired. 

An hour later friend wired again: "Could not interpret message. Didyou say sun was or was not shining?"

And the Salina man, looking out of the window, sent this: "Snowing tobeat the band now. "

And came another wire in mid-afternoon: "How much snow there now?"

To which the Salina man replied: "Bright sun out, has melted all thesnow away again. "

 _Indian Summer_

 November days are here again With chilly eve and morn-- Dame Nature's voice in warning raised That Winter's blasts are born. 

 But ere the snow its cov'ring spreads And Earth to sleep beguiles, Old Summer lifts her sun-lit face, Looks back at us and smiles. 

One broiling August day an aged "cullud gemman, " who was pushing abarrow of bricks, paused to dash the sweat from his dusky brow; then, shaking his fist at the sun, he apostrophized it thus:

"Fo' the Lawd's sake, war wuz yuh last Janooary?"

"Have you been touching the barometer, Jane?"

"Yes'm. It's my night out, so I set it for 'fine'. "

 What is it moulds the life of man? The Weather! What makes some black and others tan? The Weather! What makes the Zulu live in trees, And Congo natives dress in leaves, While others go in fur and freeze? The Weather!

 What makes the summer warm and fair? The Weather! What causes winter underwear? The Weather! What makes us rush and build a fire, And shiver near the glowing pyre-- And then on other days perspire? The Weather!

 What makes the Cost of Living high? The Weather! What makes the Libyan Desert dry? The Weather! What is it men in ev'ry clime, Will talk about till end of time? What drove our honest pen to rhyme? The Weather!

Kansas--When the sun sets in the West at night the wind will blow forthree days. 

 I remember, I remember, Ere my childhood flitted by, It was cold then in December, And was warmer in July. In the winter there were freezings-- In the summer there were thaws; But the weather isn't now at all Like what it used to was!

WEDDINGS

Gr-rr-r-h! The train drew up with a mighty crash and shock betweenstations. 

"Is it an accident? What happened?" inquired a worried-lookingindividual of the conductor. 

"Some one pulled the bell-cord!" shouted the conductor. "The expressknocked our last car off the track! Take us four hours before thetrack is clear!"

"Great Scott! Four hours! I am supposed to be married to-day!" groanedthe passenger. 

The conductor, a bigoted bachelor, raised his eyebrows suspiciously. 

"Look here!" he demanded. "I suppose you ain't the chap that pulledthe cord?"

Tony, the office-janitor, had been working faithfully at his job forseveral years, when he surprised his employer one day by asking for avacation. 

"We can't get along very well without you, " said the boss. "You don'tneed a vacation. You'll only blow in your money and come back broke. "

"I like to have vacation, " persisted Tony. "I get married, and I kindalike to be there. "

WELSH

Admittedly this may be an old story, but it has the distinction ofpossessing a new twist at the end. 

A person died. He willed all his earthly possessions to be dividedamong an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotchman. But the will wasconditional; each of the legatees was to place five pounds in thetestator's coffin. On the day appointed (by Fate) the Englishmanplaced a five-pound note, as willed; the Irishman collected a numberof coins somehow--shillings, sixpences and coppers--and made up hiscontribution of five pounds, which he placed on the Englishman'sfiver. The Scotchman then made out a cheque for fifteen pounds and, pocketing the ten pounds already deposited, threw in his cheque withthe remark, "That's easier. "

A month later, when the Scotchman perused his pass-book, he wassurprised to find that his cheque had been cashed. 

The undertaker was a Welshman. 

WESTMINSTER ABBEY

It is a platitude that different people get peculiarly differentimpressions from viewing the same sights. A Suffolk girl, who had beenstaying in London for a short holiday, was asked on her return if shehad been in Westminster Abbey. "Yes, " she replied, "I went in and satdown, but I didn't stay long, as I prefer open-air cemeteries. "

WHISKY

A Rhondda man went into a public-house and called for a glass ofwhisky and water. Having tasted it, he exclaimed:

"Which did you put in first, the whisky or the water?"

"The whisky, of course, " the publican replied. 

"Ah, well, " said the Rhondda man, "perhaps I'll come to it by and by. "

_See also_ Drinking. 

WIDOWS

"If you want to be really popular with men, " says Mr. Arthur Pendenys, "become a widow. " This of course, may be all right, but few husbandscan really learn to love a wife who makes a practise of this sort ofthing. --_Punch_. 

Dinah's husband had just been killed on the Railroad while discharginghis duties as a brakeman. An agent of the road promptly settled herclaim by the payment of a thousand dollars. Her friends consoled herwith the thought that with so much money she would be the most soughtafter woman in Darktown. She stoutly maintained that she would notmarry again and that she "had no plans" but finally said between hersobs "But if ah evah do marry I shuah am gwine to marry a railroadman. "

WINDOWS

Without windows there would be no fresh-air fiends. A single windowmay make or mar a whole household. Used occasionally by burglars, small boys and lovers, the singular power of the window to control ourdestiny has not hitherto been recognized. Without windows there wouldbe no ghost stories, for how could the rain beat on the pane, or thewind come in short gusts through the cracks? Neither would there bemelodrama, for how could the heroine crouch on the floor if there wereno sudden flashes of lighting or falling snow to gaze at through thewindow? What poems have been written by just looking through a window;and as for literature in general, who does not remember the windowin Thrums? The first thing we look at upon entering a room is thewindows. At night the window is the last thing we adjust, and in themorning the first we gaze out of. The first window was the beginningof civilization. Consider the window of a cell, how symbolic it is ofa dwarfed and misdirected life. The composite health of any communitycan almost be predicated upon the number of its windows that are keptopen at night. 

Then there are the windows of the soul, without which no best sellerwould be worth the price of admission. 

WISDOM

"Father, have you cut all four of your wisdom teeth?"

"Yes, son. I have purchased a used car, accepted a nomination, beenchairman of a local reception committee, and married your mother. "

 True wisdom laboring to expound, Heareth others readily; Fake wisdom, sturdy to deny, closeth Up her mind to argument. 

 --_Tupper_. 

WISHES

MABEL--"Oh, but I wish I had a nice big car, with blue plushupholstering and all the modern appliances. "

ALICE--"You'd take me out with you, if you had, wouldn't you?"

"No. "

"Well, why not?"

"Why, you're perfectly capable of doing your own wishing, aren't you?"

HE--"But, Alice, you don't want that!"

SHE--"How will I know until I get it?"

WITNESSES

The day was drawing to a close. Judge, jurors, witnesses, andlawyers all were growing weary. Counsel for the prosecution wascross-examining the defendant. 

"Exactly how far is it between the two towns?" he asked at length. 

For some time Paddy stood thinking, then, "About four miles as the cryflows, " came the answer. 

"You mean 'as the flow cries!'" corrected the man of law. 

The judge leaned forward. "No, " he remarked suavely, "he means 'as thefly crows. '"

And they all looked at one another, feeling that something was wrongsomewhere. 

A lawyer was examining a Scottish farmer. "You'll affirm that whenthis happened you were going home to a meal. Let us be quite certainon this point, because it is a very important one. Be good enough totell me, sir, with as little prevarication as possible, what meal itwas you were going home to. "

"You would like to know what meal it was?" said the Scotsman. 

"Yes, sir; I should like to know, " replied the counsel, sternly andimpressively. "Be sure you tell the truth. "

"Well, then, it was just oatmeal. "

A boy of eight entered the witness-box in tremendous boots, longtrousers rolled up so that the baggy knees were at the ankles, and aswallow-tail coat that swept the floor. 

"Why are you dressed like that?" asked the judge, both amazed andamused. 

The boy took from his pocket the summons and pointed solemnly to thewords: "To appear in his father's suit. "

The prosecuting attorney had encountered a somewhat difficult witness. Finally he asked the man if he was acquainted with any of the men onthe jury. 

"Yes, sir, " announced the witness, "more than half of them. "

"Are you willing to swear that you know more than half of them?"demanded the lawyer. 

"Why, if it comes to that, I'm willing to swear that I know more thanall of them put together. "

"Do you understand what you are to swear to?" asked the court as a notover-intelligent looking negro took the witness stand. 

"Yes, sah, Ah does. Ah'm to sweah to tell de truf. "

"Yes, " said the Judge; "and what will happen if you do not tell thetruth?"

"Well, sah, " was the hesitating answer, "Ah expects ouah side'll winde case, sah. "

PRISON VISITOR--"What terrible crime has this man committed?"

JAILER--"He has done nothing. He merely happened to be passing whenTough Jim tried to kill a man, and he is held as a witness. "

"Where is Tough Jim?"

"He is out on bail. "

WIVES

"Are you the captain of your soul?"

"Sort of a second lieutenant, " ventured Mr. Henpeck dubiously. 

 "Come, come, " said Tom's father, "at your time of life, There's no longer excuse for thus playing the rake. It is time you should think, boy, of taking a wife. " "Why, so it is, father, --whose wife shall I take?"

 --_Thomas Moore_. 

The younger man had been complaining that he could not get his wife tomend his clothes. 

"I asked her to sew a button on this vest last night and she hasn'ttouched it, " he said. At this the older man assumed the air of apatriarch. 

"Never ask a woman to mend anything, " he said. "You haven't beenmarried very long and I think I can give you some serviceablesuggestions. When I want a shirt mended I take it to my wife andflourish it around a little and say, 'Where's that rag-bag?'

"'What do you want of the rag-bag?' asks the wife. Her suspicions arearoused at once. 

"'I want to throw this shirt away. It's worn out, ' I say, with a fewmore flourishes. 

"'Let me see that shirt, ' my wife says, then, 'Now, John, hand it tome at once. '

"Of course, I pass it over and she examines it. 

"'Why, it only needs--'; and then she mends it. "

"Why are you so pensive?" he asked. 

"I'm not pensive, " she replied. 

"But you haven't said a word for twenty minutes. "

"Well, I didn't have anything to say. "

"Don't you ever say anything when you have nothing to say?"

"No. "

"Will you be my wife?"

"What's Blinks going to do with his new noiseless typewriter?"

"If he takes my advice he'll marry her. "--_Life_. 

MRS. KNAGG--"Did the doctor ask to see your tongue?"

HUSBAND--"No; I told him about yours and he ordered me away for arest. "

"This is a very sad case, very sad indeed, " said the doctor. "I muchregret to tell you that your wife's mind is gone--completely gone. "

"I am not a bit surprised" answered the husband. "She has been givingme a piece of it every day for the last fifteen years. "

A sheik was speaking to a crowd of men in a mosque and said, "All ofyou who are afraid of your wives stand up. " All stood up except oneman. Afterwards the sheik went to this man and said, "Evidently youare not afraid of your wife. " The man responded: "She gave me such abeating this morning that I was too lame to stand up. "

A well-to-do Scottish woman one day said to her gardener:

"Man Tammas, I wonder you don't get married. You've a nice house, andall you want to complete it is a wife. You know the first gardenerthat ever lived had a wife. "

"Quite right, missus, quite right, " said Thomas, "but he didna keephis job long after he gat the wife. "

CREWE--"Good heavens, how it rains! I feel awfully anxious about mywife. She's gone out without an umbrella. "

DREW--"Oh, she'll be all right. She'll take shelter in some shop. "

CREWE--"Exactly. That's what makes me so anxious. "

Mrs. Clarke came running hurriedly into her husband's office onemorning. 

"Oh, Dick, " she cried, as she gasped for breath. "I dropped my diamondring off my finger, and I can't find it anywhere. "

"It's all right, Bess, " replied Mr. Clarke. "I came across it in mytrousers pocket. "

 _And Then Some_

 MAN expects his wife to be: Perpetuator of the Race. Domestic Science Expert. Trained Kindergartner. Social Diplomat. Purchasing Agent. Superintendent of Operating. Accountant. Social Secretary. General Counsel. Manager Lost and Found Department. Advertising Agent. Intelligence Bureau. Family Statistician. Mistress of the Exchequer. Playground Supervisor. Judge of Juvenile Court. Valet. Nurse. Employer of Labor. Artist in the Art of Living. WOMAN is seeking an even larger sphere. 

MRS. A. --"Does your husband consider you a necessity or a luxury?"

MRS. B. --"It depends, my dear, on whether I am cooking his dinner orasking for a new dress. "

There are certain family privileges which we all guard jealously:

An attorney was consulted by a woman desirous of bringing actionagainst her husband for a divorce. She related a harrowing tale ofthe ill-treatment she had received at his hands. So impressive was herrecital that the lawyer, for a moment, was startled out of his usualprofessional composure. "From what you say this man must be a brute ofthe worst type, " he exclaimed. 

The applicant for divorce arose and, with severe dignity, announced:"Sir, I shall consult another lawyer. I came here to get advice as toa divorce, not to hear my husband abused!"

_See also_ Domestic finance; Marriage; Woman

WOMAN

The reason we never hear of a self-made woman is because she changesthe plans so frequently that the job is never finished. 

 _If They Meant All They Said_

 Charm is a woman's strongest arm; My charwoman is full of charm; I chose her, not for strength of arm But for her strange, elusive charm. 

 And how tears heighten woman's powers! My typist weeps for hours and hours: I took her for her weeping powers-- They so delight my business hours. 

 A woman lives by intuition. Though my accountant shuns addition She has the rarest intuition. (And I myself can do addition. )

 Timidity in girls is nice. My cook is so afraid of mice. Now you'll admit it's very nice To feel your cook's afraid of mice. 

 --_A. D. Miller_. 

"De little girl, " said Uncle Eben, "dat's allus takin' her dolly anddishes an' sayin' she won't play, grows up to be de lady dat saysunless she's de chairman dar ain' g'ineter be no meetin'. "

"Brown acknowledges that he knows nothing about women. "

"What an immense experience with them he must have had. "

"Does your wife neglect her home in making speeches?"

"Not a bit of it, " replied Mr. Meekton. "She always lets me hear thespeeches first. "

A lady was sitting in the garden with the family stocking basketbeside her, and was examining the holes in her little boy's socks, when the old gardener came by with his wheelbarrow. "What beats me, "he remarked, "is you ladies. Always lookin' for what you don't want tofind!"

"Hello! Is this a party wire?"

"My dear sir, it's worse. It's a woman's party wire. "

A red-haired, freckle-faced boy of fourteen, weighed down with theresponsibility of his first essay, walked into a city library theother day. He approached the reference librarian rather timidly, standing on one foot, then on the other, and finally said:

"Say, boss, I've gotta write an essay on 'Woman. ' Where'll I begin?"

"I was outspoken in my sentiments at the club today, " saidMrs. Garrulous to her husband the other evening. With a look ofastonishment he replied:

"I can't believe it, my dear. Who outspoke you?"

A party of Americans were dining in Paris with Premier Clemenceau, when one of the Americans was heard to say: "I'll bet she will--"

"I wouldn't do that, " interposed Clemenceau--"bet on anything that shewill do. You can never tell what a woman will do. "

"Ah, " said the American, "but you interrupted me too soon, monsieur. Iwas going to say that I would bet that she would do the unexpected. "

"Ah, but don't do that, either, " cautioned Clemenceau. "Even that isnot a safe bet. "

The most consoling thing about going to the cinemas is seeing so manywomen in the pictures opening their mouths and not saying a word youcan hear. 

 When lovely woman wants a favor, And finds, too late, that man won't bend, What earthly circumstance can save her From disappointment in the end?

 The only way to bring him over, The last experiment to try, Whether a husband or a lover, If he have feeling is--to cry. 

 --_Poebe Cary_. 

During the flu epidemic in San Francisco, when all publicmeeting-places were closed, and the entire population was compelledto wear masks to prevent the spread of the disease, a drunken man wasoverheard muttering:

"Well, I'm an old man, but I have lived my time and am ready to quit. I have lived to see four great things come to pass--the end ofthe war, the churches closed, saloons left open, and the womenmuzzled. "--_Judge_. 

A crabbed old misogynist said to Ethel Barrymore at a dinner in BarHarbor:

"Woman! Feminism! Suffrage! Bah! Why, there isn't a woman alive whowouldn't rather be beautiful than intelligent. "

"That's because, " said Miss Barrymore calmly, "so many men are stupidwhile so few are blind. "

HE--"When I proposed to Flossie she asked me for a little time to makeup her mind. "

SHE (the hated rival)--"Oh! So she makes that up too, does she?"

Woman is certainly coming into her own. Even in tender romance she isexerting an influence. 

The young man had just been accepted. In his rapture he exclaimed, "But do you think, my love, I am good enough for you?"

His strong-minded fiancée looked sternly at him for a moment andreplied, "Good enough for me? You've got to be!"--_Judge_. 

ONE--"Yes, in a battle of tongues a woman can always hold her own. "

THE OTHER--"Perhaps she can. But why doesn't she?"

Young Arthur was wrestling with a lesson in grammar. "Father, " saidhe, thoughtfully, "what part of speech is woman?"

"Woman, my boy, is not part of speech; she is all of it, " returnedfather. 

During the recess period several teachers became engaged in a heatedargument over that old theme, "Man _versus_ Woman. "

"Well, anyway, " concluded the dyspeptic male teacher of Latin, "womenare more finicky than men. "

"Recite an instance, please, " put in the dainty little teacher ofdomestic science. 

"If a woman loses a stitch, she'll unravel a ball of yarn trying tofind it. "

"That's nothing, compared with what a man will do, " she came backquickly. "If a man loses a quarter in a card game, he'll spend $10trying to win it back. "

_Woman_--A Mistress of Arts, who robs a bachelor of his degree, andforces him to study philosophy by means of curtain lectures. 

_See also_ Age; Clothing; Epitaphs; Fashion; Talkers; Wives; Womansuffrage; Worry. 

WOMAN SUFFRAGE

"It seems so silly to me, " she said scornfully, as she threw down thenewspaper after a casual glance at the headlines. 

"What seems silly?"

"All this talk about candidates for the presidency. There can't butone be elected, can there?"

"Of course not. "

"Well, why should a dozen or so be trying for it? Why doesn't just theman who is going to be elected be a candidate, and all the rest go onabout their business, as all this talk and running around isn't goingto do them any good after all?"

"That young politician is paying you marked attention, girlie. "

"Um, yes. Another problem added to our girlish troubles. "

"Eh, what?"

"Is he after me or my vote?"

WARD HEELER--"Are women trying to reform politics?"

DISTRICT LEADER--"Reform nothing! They've started in to grab thejobs. "

FIRST LADY--"Did you vote with all those vile people?"

SECOND LADY--"I certainly did. I was curious to know how it felt. "

"Wimmin voters this year. "

"Yes, and these short skirts make a lot of wimmen look like littlegirls. "

"That's right. You gotta be careful who you try to pat on the head. "

"Well, Maria, " said Jiggles after the Town Election, "for whom did youvote this morning?"

"I crossed off the names of all the candidates, " returned Mrs. Jiggles, "and wrote out my principles on the back of my ballot. This is no time to consider individuals and their little personalambitions. "

There are compensations in all things. When women get the suffragethey won't want to be moving all the time, for fear of losing theirvotes. --_Puck_. 

"What are your reasons for wanting a divorce, madam?" inquired thejudge. 

"Failure to support. "

"But you live in apparent luxury. "

"He failed to support me for a nomination that I wanted. "

"Another of our masculine pleasures is about to become a thing of thepast, thanks to woman suffrage. "

"What do you have reference to?"

"Taking the straw vote. Who would venture to predict a woman's ballottwenty-four hours before election?"

WOMAN'S RIGHTS

_Why We Oppose Pockets For Women_

1. Because pockets are not a natural right. 

2. Because the great majority of women do not want pockets. If theydid, they would have them. 

3. Because whenever women have had pockets they have not used them. 

4. Because women are expected to carry enough things as it is withoutthe additional burden of pockets. 

5. Because it would make dissension between husband and wife as towhose pockets were to be filled. 

6. Because it would destroy man's chivalry toward woman if he did nothave to carry all her things in his pockets. 

7. Because men are men and women are women. We must not fly in theface of nature. 

8. Because pockets have been used by men to carry tobacco, pipes, whisky flasks, chewing-gum, and compromising letters, we see no reasonto suppose that women would use them more wisely. 

WORK

 Oh, would that working I might shun, From labour my connection sever, That I might do a bit or none Whatever!

 That I might wander over hills, Establish friendship with a daisy, O'er pretty things like daffodils Go crazy!

 That I might at the heavens gaze, Concern myself with nothing weighty, Loaf, at a stretch, for seven days-- Or eighty. 

 Why can't I cease a slave to be, And taste existence beatific On some fair island hid in the Pacific?

 Instead of sitting at a desk 'Mid undone labours, grimly lurking-- Oh, say, what is there picturesque In working?

 But no!--to loaf were misery!-- I love to work! Hang isles of coral! (To end this otherwise would be Immoral!)

 --_Thomas R. Ybarra_. 

Labor is man's great function, He is nothing, he can do nothing, hecan achieve nothing, fulfill nothing without working. --_Dewey_. 

If you are poor--work. If you are rich--continue to work. If you areburdened with seemingly unfair responsibilities--work. If you arehappy--keep right on working. Idleness gives room for doubts andfears. If disappointments come--work. If sorrow overwhelms you andloved ones seem not true--work. If health is threatened--work. Whenfaith falters and reason fails--just work. When dreams are shatteredand hope seems dead--work. Work as if your life were in peril. Itreally is. No matter what ails you--work. Work faithfully--work withfaith. Work is the greatest remedy available for both mental andphysical afflictions. --_Korsaren_. 

I believe in the stuff I am handing out, in the firm I am working for;and in my ability to get results. I believe that honest stuff can bepassed out to honest men by honest methods. I believe in working, notweeping; in boosting not knocking; and in the pleasure of my job. Ibelieve that a man gets what he goes after, that one deed done todayis worth two deeds tomorrow, and that no man is down and out until hehas lost faith in himself. I believe in today and the work I am doing, in tomorrow and the work I hope to do, and in the sure reward whichthe future holds. I believe in courtesy, in kindness, in generosity, in good cheer, in friendship and in honest competition. I believethere is something doing, somewhere for every man ready to do it. Ibelieve I'm ready--RIGHT NOW!--_Elbert Hubbard_. 

 I ask no odds of any man, I am not one that follies sway, I am the source of my rewards, I do my work each day. 

 It matters not if rich or poor, This is the future's great command, Who does not work shall cease to eat; Upon this rock I stand. 

 The fruit of trees, the grain of fields, Wherever use and beauty lurk-- The good of all the world belongs To him who does the work. 

 --_Max Ehrtnan_. 

 Are you trying to climb where the chosen are, Where the feet of men are few? Do you long for "a job that is worth one's while?" Well here's a thought for you:

 The pots of gold at the rainbow's end Are sought by the teeming mob, But the fairies who guard them choose as friend The man that loves his job. 

 No matter what grip of hand he has-- How poor or strong his brain, There's always a place for the man who loves His work with might and main. 

 Does he dig in a ditch, or blaze a trail, Where the dreams of men may run? No clod of earth shall shoulder him From his place out in the sun. 

 It isn't the kick, It's not the pull, That brings the strong man out; But it's long-time work, and it's all-time will, And cheerful heart and shout, Have you faith in yourself? Do you want to win? Is your heart for success athrob? There's just one thing that can bring you in With the winners--love your job. 

 --_Stewart Lishear_. 

_Work Makes Men_

"Work, " as Henry Drummond said on the death of his friend John Ewing, of Melbourne, "is given man, not only, nor so much, perhaps, becausethe world needs it, but because the workmen need it. Men make work;but work makes men. An office is not merely a place for making money;it is a place for making men. A workshop is not a place for makingmachinery only; it is a place for making souls, for filling in theworking virtues of one's life; for turning out honest, modest andgood-natured men. "

FIRST NAVVY--"Ye know, it's hard lines on Joe, 'im bein' soshort-sighted. "

SECOND NAVVY--"Why? Yer don't need good eyesight for our job!"

FIRST NAVVY--"No, but 'e can't see when the foreman ain't lookin', sohe has to keep on workin' all the time. "

A youth was being scored by his father for his flighty notions, hishabit of shirking and general unreliability. "Hard work never killedanybody, " the old man added. 

"That's just the trouble, dad, " returned the youngster. "I want toengage in something that has a spice of danger in it. "

"Why don't you get out and hustle? Hard work never killed anybody, "remarked the philosophical gentleman to whom Rastus applied for alittle charity. 

"You're mistaken dar, boss, " replied Rastus; "I'se lost fouh wives datway. "

 For whether he's wielding a scepter or swab, I have faith in the man who's in love with his job. 

 --_Shorey_. 

WORRY

"Didn't you use to belong to a Don't Worry Club years ago?"

"Yes, " replied the patient yet firm woman. "I had to resign. Nobodyworried about who was going to fix up the sandwiches and salad andfreeze the ice cream, but me. So I decided I was just a born worrierand was out of my class. "

YOUTH

Arthur T. Hadley, president of Yale, said of youth at a tea in NewHaven:

"I find youth modest, almost over-modest. I don't agree with theaccepted idea of youth that is epitomized in the anecdote. 

"According to this anecdote, an old man said to a youth:

"'My boy, when I was your age I thought, like you, that I knew it all, but now I have reached the conclusion that I know nothing. '

"The youth, lighting a cigaret, answered carelessly:

"'Hm! I reached that conclusion about you years ago. '"

ZONES

While inspecting examination papers recently, a teacher found varioushumorous answers to questions. A class of boys, averaging twelve yearsof age, had been examined in geography. The previous day hadbeen devoted to grammar. Among the geographical questions was thefollowing:

"Name the zones. "

One promising youth, who had mixed the two subjects, wrote: "There aretwo zones, masculine and feminine. The masculine is either temperateor intemperate; the feminine is either torrid or frigid!"

INDEX

ABSENT-MINDEDNESSACCIDENTSACCURACYACTORS AND ACTRESSESADVERTISINGADVICEAFTER DINNER SPEECHESAGEAGRICULTUREALARM CLOCKSALIBIALIMONYALPHABETALTERNATIVESAMBITIONAMERICANSAMUSEMENTSANCESTRYANIMALSANTICIPATIONANTIQUESAPARTMENTSAPPEARANCESAPPETITEAPPLAUSEARITHMETICARMIESART AND ARTISTSASTRONOMYAUTHORSAUTHORSHIPAUTOMOBILE TOURISTSAUTOMOBILES AND AUTOMOBILINGAVIATIONBACHELORSBAGGAGEBALDNESSBANKS AND BANKINGBAPTISMBAPTISTSBARGAINSBASEBALLBATHS AND BATHINGBEAUTY, PERSONALBEGGINGBEQUESTSBETTINGBIBLE INTERPRETATIONBIGAMYBILLSBLUFFINGBOARD OF HEALTHBOARDING HOUSESBOASTINGBOLSHEVISMBOOKS AND READINGBOOKSELLERS AND BOOKSELLINGBOOMERANGSBOOSTINGBORROWERSBOSTONBOY SCOUTSBOYSBRIDESBROOKLYNBROTHERHOODBURBANKBUSINESSBUSINESS ENTERPRISEBUSINESS ETHICSBUSINESS WOMENCAMPAIGNSCANDIDATESCANDORCAPITAL AND LABORCARD INDEXCARELESSNESSCATALOGINGCAUSE AND EFFECTCAUTIONCHARACTERCHARITYCHEERFULNESSCHICKEN STEALINGCHILD LABORCHILDRENCHOICESCHRISTIAN SCIENTISTSCHRISTMAS GIFTSCHURCHCHURCH ATTENDANCECHURCH DISCIPLINECITIZENSCITY AND COUNTRYCIVICSCIVILIZATIONCLASS DISTINCTIONSCLEANLINESSCLERGYCLOTHINGCLUBSCOALCOFFEECOLLECTING OF ACCOUNTSCOLLECTION BOXCOLLEGE GRADUATESCOLLEGE STUDENTSCOLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIESCOMMITTEECOMMON SENSECOMMUNISMCOMMUTERSCOMPARISONSCOMPENSATIONCOMPETITIONCOMPLIMENTSCONCEITCONDUCTCONFESSIONSCONFIDENCESCONGRESSCONSCIENCECONSCRIPTIONCONSERVATIVESCONSOLATIONCONTENTMENTCONTRIBUTION BOXCONUNDRUMSCOOKERYCOOKSCOOPERATIONCORPULENCECORRESPONDENCE SCHOOLSCOSMOPOLITANISMCOST OF LIVINGCOUNTRY LIFECOURAGECOURTESYCOURTSCOURTSHIPCREDITCRIMECRITICISMCULTURECURESCURIOSITYCURRENT EVENTSCUSTOMDACHSHUNDSDAMAGESDANCINGDAYLIGHT SAVINGDEAD BEATSDEBTSDEGREESDEMAGOGDEMOCRACYDENTISTSDEPARTMENT STORESDESTINATIONDETECTIVESDETERMINATIONDIAGNOSISDILEMMASDININGDIPLOMACYDISARMAMENTDISCHARGEDISCIPLINEDISCOUNTSDISCRETIONDISPOSITIONDISTANCESDIVORCEDOCTORSDOGSDOMESTIC FINANCEDOMESTIC RELATIONSDREAMSDRINKINGDRUNKARDSDUTCHDYSPEPSIAEATINGECONOMYEDITORSEDUCATIONEFFICIENCYEGOTISMEINSTEINEMBARRASSING SITUATIONSEMPLOYERS AND EMPLOYEESENEMIESENGLISH LANGUAGEENGLISHMENENTHUSIASMEPIGRAMSEPITAPHSEQUALITYETIQUETEUROPEAN WAREUROPEAN WAR-POEMSEVIDENCEEXAGGERATIONEXAMINATIONSEXCUSESEXECUTIVE ABILITYEXPENSESEXPERIENCEEXTRAVAGANCEFAILURESFAMEFAMILIESFARMINGFASHIONFATEFATHERSFAULTSFEESFICTIONFIGHTINGFINANCEFISHFISHERMENFISHINGFLATTERYFOODFOOD CONSERVATIONFOOLSFORDSFOREIGNERSFORESIGHTFORGETFULNESSFORTUNE HUNTERSFOUNTAIN PENSFRANKLINFREAKSFREE VERSEFREEDOM OF SPEECHFRENCH LANGUAGEFRIENDSFRIENDSHIPFUTUREFUTURE LIFEFUTURIST ARTGAMBLINGGARAGESGARDENINGGASGENEROSITYGENIUSGEOGRAPHYGERMANYGERMSGIFTSGIRLSGODGOLFGOSSIPGOVERNMENT OWNERSHIPGRATITUDEGUARANTEESHABITHADESHAPPINESSHASHHASTEHEAVENHELLHEREDITYHEROESHIGH COST OF LIVINGHINTINGHISTORYHOMEHOME BREWHOMELINESSHOMESICKHONESTYHORSESHOSPITALITYHOSPITALSHOTEL BIBLESHOTELSHOUSING PROBLEMHUNGERHUNTINGHURRYHUSBANDSHYPOCRISYHYSTERICS"IF"IGNORANCEILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONSIMITATIONIMMIGRANTSIMPUDENCEINCOME TAXINDUSTRYINFANTSINFLUENZAINHERITANCEINITIATIVEINSOMNIAINSTALMENT PLANINSURANCE, FIREINSURANCE, LIFEINTERVIEWSINVESTMENTSIRELANDIRISH BULLSIRISHMENJEWSJOKESJOURNALISMJUDGESJUDGMENTJURYJUSTICEKINDNESSKINGS AND RULERSKISSESKNOWLEDGELABOR AND CAPITALLABOR AND LABORING CLASSESLABOR-SAVING DEVICESLADIESLANGUAGESLAUGHTERLAUNDRYLAWSLAWYERSLAZINESSLEAGUE OF NATIONSLEAP YEARLEFT HANDEDNESSLEGISLATIONLEGISLATORSLEISURELIARSLIBERTY BONDSLIBRARIANSLIBRARIESLIESLIFELISPINGLOGICLONDONLOST AND FOUNDLOVELUCKMAGAZINESMAJORITYMARKSMANSHIPMARRIAGEMASCOTSMATHEMATICSMATRIMONYMEASURING INSTRUMENTSMEDALSMEDICAL ETHICSMEDICINEMEMORYMENMETHODISTSMIDDLEMANMILITARISMMILITARY DISCIPLINEMILKMILLENNIUMMILLINERSMILLIONAIRESMINISTERSMISERSMISTAKEN IDENTITYMISTAKESMONEYMONEY LENDERMORAL EDUCATIONMOSQUITOESMOTHERSMOTHERS' DAYMOTHERS-IN-LAWMOVING PICTURESMULESMUSHROOMSMUSICMUSICIANSNAMES, PERSONALNATIONALITYNATURAL LAWSNEGROESNEIGHBORSNEW JERSEYNEW YORK CITYNEWSBOYSNEWSPAPERS"NO"NOTHINGNURSESOBEDIENCEOBESITYOBITUARIESOCCUPATIONSOCEAN TRAVELOFFICE BOYSOFFICE-SEEKERSOFFICERSOLD AGEOLD CLOTHESOPPORTUNITYOPTIMISMORIGINALITYOSTRICHOUIJA BOARDPARENTSPARROTSPARTNERSHIPPEACEPEDESTRIANSPENMANSHIPPEPPERCENTAGEPERSISTENCEPERSUASIONPESSIMISMPHILADELPHIAPHILANTHROPISTSPHILOSOPHYPHYSICIANS AND SURGEONSPITTSBURGPLEASUREPOETRYPOETSPOLICEPOLITENESSPOLITICAL PARTIESPOLITICIANSPOLITICSPOSTAL SERVICEPOVERTYPRAISEPRAYERSPREACHINGPREJUDICEPREPAREDNESSPRESCRIPTIONSPRETENSIONPRICESPRIDEPRINTERSPRISONSPROFANITYPROFESSIONSPROFITEERSPROGRESSPROHIBITIONPROMOTERSPROMPTNESSPRONUNCIATIONPROPERTYPROPOSALSPROSPERITYPSYCHOLOGICAL MOMENTPSYCHOLOGYPUBLIC, THEPUBLIC SCHOOLSPUBLIC SPEAKERSPUBLISHERSPUNCTUALITYPUNCTUATIONPUNISHMENTPUNSPURGATORYQUAKERSQUESTIONSRADICALSRAILROADSREADINGREAL ESTATEREAL ESTATE AGENTSREALISMRECOMMENDATIONSRECRUITINGRED TAPEREGRETSRELATIVESRELIGIONSREMEDIESREMINDERSREPARTEEREPORTINGREPUTATIONREST CURERESTAURANTSRETALIATIONROADSROOSEVELT, THEODORERUINSRUMMAGE SALESSACRIFICESSAFETYSALARIESSALESMEN AND SALESMANSHIPSALVATIONSAVINGSCANDALSCHOLARSHIPSCHOOLSSCIENTIFIC MANAGEMENTSCOTCH, THESEASICKNESSSECRETSSELF-MADE MENSENATESENATORSSENSE OF HUMORSENTRIESSERMONSSERVANTSSERVICESERVICE STARSHOPPINGSIGHT SEEINGSIGNSSILENCESIMPLIFIED SPELLINGSINSINGERSSKEPTICSSLANGSMILESSMOKINGSNOBBERYSOCIALISTSSOCIETYSOCIOLOGYSOLDIERSSOUNDSOUVENIRSSPECULATIONSPEEDSPELLINGSPINSTERSSTAMMERINGSTAMPSSTATISTICSSTENOGRAPHERSSTOCK EXCHANGESTRATEGYSTREET-CARSSTRIKESSUBSTITUTESSUBURBSSUBWAYSSUCCESSSUITORSSUMMER RESORTSSUNDAYSUNDAY SCHOOLSSUPERSTITIONSURPRISESYMPATHYSYNONYMSTACTTALKERSTARDINESSTAXTEACHERSTEACHINGTEARSTELEGRAPHTELEPHONETEMPERTEMPERANCETEMPTATIONTEN COMMANDMENTSTHEATERTHERMOMETERTHIEVESTHRIFTTIDESTIMETIPSTOURISTSTRADETRADE MARKSTRADE UNIONSTRAMPSTRAVELERSTREESTRENCHESTROUBLETRUTHUMBRELLASUNEXPECTEDUNITED STATESVACATIONSVALUEVANITYVEGETARIANSVENTILATIONVOICEVOTINGWAGESWARWEALTHWEATHERWEDDINGSWELSHWESTMINSTER ABBEYWHISKYWIDOWSWINDOWSWISDOMWISHESWITNESSESWIVESWOMANWOMAN SUFFRAGEWOMAN'S RIGHTSWORKWORRYYOUTHZONES

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