MISS PHILLY FIRKIN, THE CHINA-WOMAN. 

By Mary Russell Mitford

In Belford Regis, as in many of those provincial capitals of thesouth of England, whose growth and importance have kept pace with theincreased affluence and population of the neighbourhood, the principalshops will be found clustered in the close, inconvenient streets of theantique portion of the good town; whilst the more showy and commodiousmodern buildings are quite unable to compete in point of custom with theold crowded localities, which seem even to derive an advantage from theappearance of business and bustle occasioned by the sharp turnings, thesteep declivities, the narrow causeways, the jutting-out windows, andthe various obstructions incident to the picturesque but irregularstreet-architecture of our ancestors. 

Accordingly, Oriel Street, in Belford, --a narrow lane, cribbed andconfined on the one side by an old monastic establishment, now turnedinto alms-houses, called the Oriel, which divided the street from thatbranch of the river called the Holy Brook, and on the other bounded bythe market-place, whilst one end abutted on the yard of a great inn, and turned so sharply up a steep acclivity that accidents happenedthere every day, and the other _terminus_ wound with an equally awkwardcurvature round the churchyard of St Stephen's, --this most strait andincommodious avenue of shops was the wealthiest quarter of the Borough. It was a provincial combination of Regent Street and Cheapside. Thehouses let for double their value; and, as a necessary consequence, goods sold there at pretty nearly the same rate; horse-people andfoot-people jostled upon the pavement; coaches and phaetons ran againsteach other in the road. Nobody dreamt of visiting Belford withoutwanting something or other in Oriel Street; and although noise, andcrowd, and bustle, be very far from usual attributes of the good town, yet in driving through this favoured region on a fine day, between thehours of three and five, we stood a fair chance of encountering asmany difficulties and obstructions from carriages, and as much din anddisorder on the causeway as we shall often have the pleasure of meetingwith out of London. 

One of the most popular and frequented shops in the street, and outof all manner of comparison the prettiest to look at, was thewell-furnished glass and china warehouse of Philadelphia Firkin, spinster. Few things are indeed more agreeable to the eye than themixture of glittering cut glass, with rich and delicate china, sobeautiful in shape, colour, and material, which adorn a nicely-assortedshowroom of that description. The manufactures of Sèvres, of Dresden, of Derby, and of Worcester, are really works of art, and very beautifulones too; and even the less choice specimens have about them aclearness, a glossiness, and a nicety, exceedingly pleasant to lookupon; so that a china-shop is in some sense a shop of temptation: andthat it is also a shop of necessity, every housekeeper who knows to hercost the infinite number of plates, dishes, cups, and glasses, whichcontrive to get broken in the course of the year, (chiefly by thatgrand demolisher of crockery ware called Nobody, ) will not fail to beartestimony. 

Miss Philadelphia's was therefore a well accustomed shop, and sheherself was in appearance most fit to be its inhabitant, being a trim, prim little woman, neither old nor young, whose dress hung about her instiff regular folds, very like the drapery of a china shepherdess on amantel-piece, and whose pink and white complexion, skin, eyebrows, eyes, and hair, all tinted as it seemed with one dash of ruddy colour, had thesame professional hue. Change her spruce cap for a wide-brimmed hat, andthe damask napkin which she flourished in wiping her wares, for a chinacrook, and the figure in question might have passed for a miniature ofthe mistress. In one respect they differed The china shepherdess was asilent personage. Miss Philadelphia was not; on the contrary, she wasreckoned to make, after her own mincing fashion, as good a use of hertongue as any woman, gentle or simple, in the whole town of Belford. 

She was assisted in her avocations by a little shopwoman, not muchtaller than a china mandarin, remarkable for the height of her comb, andthe length of her earrings, whom she addressed sometimes as Miss Wolfe, sometimes as Marianne, and sometimes as Polly, thus multiplying theyoung lady's individuality by three; and a little shopman in apronand sleeves, whom, with equal ingenuity, she called by the severalappellations of Jack, Jonathan, and Mr. Lamb--mister!--but who wasreally such a cock-o'-my-thumb as might have been served up in a tureen, or baked in a pie-dish, without in the slightest degree abridging hispersonal dimensions. I have known him quite hidden behind a china jar, and as completely buried, whilst standing on tip-toe, in a crate, as thedessert-service which he was engaged in unpacking. Whether this pairof originals was transferred from a show at a fair to Miss Philipswarehouse, or whether she had picked them up accidentally, first one andthen the other, guided by a fine sense of congruity, as she might matcha wineglass or a tea-cup, must be left to conjecture. Certain theyanswered her purpose, as well as if they had been the size of Gog andMagog; were attentive to the customers, faithful to their employer, andcrept about amongst the china as softly as two mice. 

The world went well with Miss Philly Firkin in the shop and out She wonfavour in the sight of her betters by a certain prim, demure, simperingcivility, and a power of multiplying herself as well as her littleofficials, like Yates or Matthews in a monopolologue, and attending tohalf-a-dozen persons at once; whilst she was no less popular amongst herequals in virtue of her excellent gift in gossiping. Nobody better loveda gentle tale of scandal, to sweeten a quiet cup of tea. Nobody evinceda finer talent for picking up whatever news happened to be stirring, orgreater liberality in its diffusion. She was the intelligencer of theplace--a walking chronicle. 

In a word, Miss Philly Firkin was certainly a prosperous, and, as timesgo, a tolerably happy woman. To be sure, her closest intimates, thosevery dear friends, who as our confidence gives them the opportunity, areso obliging as to watch our weaknesses and report our foibles, --certainof these bosom companions had been heard to hint, that Miss Philly, whohad refused two or three good matches in her bloom, repented her of thiscruelty, and would probably be found less obdurate now that suitors hadceased to offer. This, if true, was one hidden grievance, a flittingshadow upon a sunny destiny; whilst another might be found in acircumstance of which she was so far from making a secret, that it wasone of her most frequent topics of discourse. 

The calamity in question took the not un-frequent form of a next-doorneighbour. On her right dwelt an eminent tinman with his prettydaughter, two of the most respectable, kindest, and best-conductedpersons in the town; but on her left was an open bricked archway, just wide enough to admit a cart, surmounted by a dim and dingyrepresentation of some horned animal, with "The Old Red Cow" writtenin white capitals above, and "James Tyler, licensed to sell beer, ale, wine, and all sorts of spirituous liquors, " below; and down theaforesaid passage, divided only by a paling from the spacious premiseswhere her earthenware and coarser kinds ef crockery were deposited, werethe public-house, stables, cowhouses, and pigsties of Mr. James Tyler, who added to his calling of publican, the several capacities of milkman, cattle dealer, and pig merchant, so that the place was one constantscene of dirt and noise and bustle without and within;--this OldRed Cow, in spite of its unpromising locality, being one of the bestfrequented houses in Belford, the constant resort of drovers, drivers, and cattle dealers, with a market dinner on Wednesdays and Saturdays, and a club called the Jolly Tailors, every Monday night. 

Master James Tyler--popularly called Jem--was the very man to secure andincrease this sort of custom. Of vast stature and extraordinary physicalpower, combined with a degree of animal spirits not often found incombination with such large proportions, he was at once a fit rulerover his four-footed subjects in the yard, a miscellaneous and mostdisorderly collection of cows, horses, pigs, and oxen, to say nothing ofhis own five boys, (for Jem was a widower, ) each of whom, in strivingto remedy, was apt to enhance the confusion, and an admirable lord ofmisrule at the drovers' dinners and tradesmen's suppers over which hepresided. There was a mixture of command and good-humour, of decisionand fun, in the gruff, bluff, weather-beaten countenance, surmountedwith its rough shock of coal-black hair, and in the voice loud as astentor, with which he now guided a drove of oxen, and now roared acatch, that his listeners in either case found irresistible. Jem Tylerwas the very spirit of vulgar jollity, and could, as he boasted, run, leap, box, wrestle, drink, sing, and shoot (he had been a keeper inhis youth, and still retained the love of sportsmanship which thosewho imbibe it early seldom lose) with any man in the county. He wasdiscreet, too, for a man of his occupation; knew precisely how drunka journeyman tailor ought to get, and when to stop a fight between aSomersetshire cattle-dealer and an Irish pig-driver. No inquest had eversat upon any of his customers. Small wonder, that with such a landlordthe Old Red Cow should be a hostelry of unmatched resort and unblemishedreputation. 

The chief exception to Jem Tyler's almost universal popularity wasbeyond all manner of doubt his fair neighbour Miss Philadelphia Firkin. She, together with her trusty adherents, Miss Wolfe and Mr. Lamb, heldJem, his alehouse, and his customers, whether tailor, drover, or dealer, his yard and its contents, horse or donkey, ox or cow, pig or dog, inunmeasured and undisguised abhorrence: she threatened to indict theplace as a nuisance, to appeal to the mayor; and upon "some good-naturedfriend" telling her that mine host had snapped his fingers at her asa chattering old maid, she did actually go so far as to speak to herlandlord, who was also Jem's, upon the iniquity of his doings. Thisworthy happening, however, to be a great brewer, knew better than todismiss a tenant whose consumption of double X was so satisfactory. So that Miss Firkin took nothing by her motion beyond a few of thosesmoothen-ing and pacificatory speeches, which, when administered toa person in a passion, have, as I have often observed, a remarkabletendency to exasperate the disease. 

At last, however, came a real and substantial grievance, an actionabletrespass; and although Miss Philly was a considerable loser by themischance, and a lawsuit is always rather a questionable remedy forpecuniary damage, yet such was the keenness of her hatred towards poorJem, that I am quite convinced that in her inmost heart (although beingan excellent person in her way, it is doubtful whether she told herselfthe whole truth in the matter) she rejoiced at a loss which wouldenable her to take such signal vengeance over her next-door enemy. Anobstreperous cow, walking backward instead of forward, as that placidanimal when provoked has the habit of doing, came in contact with a weakpart of the paling which divided Miss Firkin's back premises from MasterTyler's yard, and not only upset Mr. Lamb into a crate of crockery whichhe was in the act of unpacking, to the inexpressible discomfiture ofboth parties, but Miss Wolfe, who, upon hearing the mixture of crash andsquall, ran to the rescue, found herself knocked down by a donkey whohad entered at the breach, and was saluted as she rose by a peal oflaughter from young Sam Tyler, Jem's eldest hope, a thorough Pickle, who, accompanied by two or three other chaps as unlucky as himself, satquietly on a gate surveying and enjoying the mischief. 

"I'll bring an action against the villain!" ejaculated Miss Philly, assoon as the enemy was driven from her quarters, and her china and herdependants set upon their feet:--"I'll take the law of him!" And inthis spirited resolution did mistress, shopman, and shopwoman, findcomfort for the losses, the scratches, and the bruises of the day. 

This affray commenced on a Thursday evening towards the latter end ofMarch; and it so happened that we had occasion to send to Miss Phillyearly the next morning for a cart-load of garden-pots for the use of mygeraniums. 

Our messenger was, as it chanced, a certain lad byname Dick Barnett, whohas lived with us off and on ever since he was the height of the table, and who originally a saucy, lively, merry boy, arch, quick-witted, andamusing, has been indulged in giving vent to all manner of impertinencesuntil he has become a sort of privileged person, and takes, with highor low, a freedom of speech that might become a lady's page or a king'sjester. Every now and then we feel that this licence, which in a childof ten years old we found so diverting, has become inconvenient ina youth of seventeen, and favour him and ourselves with a lectureaccordingly. But such is the force of inveterate habit that ourremonstrances upon this subject are usually so much gravity wasted uponhim and upon ourselves. He, in the course of a day or two, comes forthwith some fresh prank more amusing than before, and we (I grieve toconfess such a weakness) resume our laughter. 

To do justice, however, to this modern Robin Goodfellow, there was mostcommonly a fund of goodnature at the bottom of his wildest tricks or hismost egregious romances, --for in the matter of a jest he was apt to drawpretty largely from an inventive faculty of remarkable fertility; hewas constant in his attachments, whether to man or beast, loyal tohis employers, and although idle and uncertain enough in other work, admirable in all that related to the stable or the kennel--the bestdriver, best rider, best trainer of a greyhound, and best finder of ahare, in all Berkshire. 

He was, as usual, accompanied on this errand by one of his four-footedfavourites, a delicate snow-white greyhound called Mayfly, of whom MissPhilly flatteringly observed, that "she was as beautiful as china;" andupon the civil lady of the shop proceeding to inquire after the healthof his master and mistress, and the general news of Aberleigh, masterBen, who well knew her proficiency in gossiping, and had the dislikeof a man and a rival to any female practitioner in that art, checked atonce this condescending overture to conversation by answering with morethan his usual consequence: "The chief news that I know, Miss Firkin, is, that our geraniums are all pining away for want of fresh earth, andthat I am sent in furious haste after a load of your best garden-pots. There's no time to be lost, I can tell you, if you mean to save theirprecious lives. Miss Ada is upon her last legs, and master Diomede in agalloping consumption--two of our prime geraniums, ma'am!" quoth Dick, with a condescending nod to Miss Wolfe, as that Lilliputian lady lookedup at him with a stare of unspeakable mystification; "queerish names, a'tot they? Well, there are the patterns of the sizes, and there's theorder; so if your little gentleman will but look the pots out, I haveleft the cart in Jem Tyler's yard, (I've a message to Jem from master, )and we can pack 'em over the paling. I suppose you've a ladder for thelittle man's use, in loading carts and waggons, if not Jem or I can takethem from him. There is not a better-natured fellow in England than JemTyler, and he'll be sure to do me a good turn any day, if it's only forthe love of our Mayfly here. He bred her, poor thing, and is well nighas fond of her as if she was a child of his own; and so's Sam. Nay, what's the matter with you all?" pursued Dick, as at the name of JemTyler Miss Wolfe turned up her hands and eyes, Mr. Lamb let fall thepattern pots, and Miss Philly flung the order upon the counter--"Whatthe deuce is come to the people?"

And then out burst the story of the last night's adventure, of Mr. Lamb's scratched face, which indeed was visible enough, of Miss Wolfe'sbruises, of the broken china, the cow, the donkey, and the action atlaw. 

"Whew!" whistled Dick in an aside whistle; "going to law is she? Wemust pacify her if we can, " thought he, "for a lawsuit's no joke, aspoor Jem would find. Jem must come and speechify. It's hard if betweenus we can't manage a woman. "

"Sad affair, indeed, Miss Firkin, " said Dick, aloud, in a soft, sympathising tone, and with a most condoling countenance; "it's unknownwhat obstropolous creatures cows and donkies are, and what mischiefthey do amongst gim-cracks. A brute of a donkey got into our gardenlast summer, and ate up half-a-dozen rose-trees and fuchsias, besidestrampling over the flower-beds. One of the roses was a present fromFrance, worth five guineas. I hope Mr. Lamb and Miss Wolfe are not muchhurt. Very sad affair! strange too that it should happen through JemTylers cattle--poor Jem, who had such a respect for you!"

"Respect for me!" echoed Miss Philly, "when he called me a chatteringold maid, --Mrs. Loveit heard him. Respect for me!"

"Aye, " continued Dick, "it was but last Monday was a fortnight that KitMahony, the tall pig-dealer, was boasting of the beauty of the Tipperarylasses, and crying down our English ladies, whereupon, although the tapwas full of Irish chaps, Jem took the matter up, and swore that he couldshow Kit two as fine women in this very street--you, ma'am, beingone, and Miss Parsons the other--two as fine women as ever he saw inTipperary. Nay, he offered to lay any wager, from a pot of double X tohalf a score of his own pigs, that Kit should confess it himself. Now, if that's not having a respect I don't know what is, " added Dick, withmuch gravity; "and I put it to your good sense, whether it is not morelikely that Mrs. Loveit, who is as deaf as a post, should be mistaken, than that he should offer to lay such a wager respecting a lady of whomhe had spoken so disparagingly. "

"This will do, " thought Dick to himself as he observed the softeningof Miss Philly's features and noted her very remarkable and unnaturalsilence--"this will do;" and reiterating his request that the ordermight be got ready, he walked out of the shop. 

"You'll find that I have settled the matter, " observed the younggentleman to Jem Tyler, after telling him the story, "and you havenothing to do but to follow up my hints. Did not I manage her famously?'Twas well I recollected your challenge to Mahony, about that prettycreature, Harriet Parsons. It had a capital effect, I promise you. Nowgo and make yourself decent; put on your Sunday coat, wash your face andhands, and don't, spare for fine speeches. Be off with you. "

"I shall laugh in her face, " replied Jem. 

"Not you, " quoth his sage adviser: "just think of the length of alawyer's bill, and you'll be in no danger of laughing. Besides, she'sreally a niceish sort of a body enough, a tidyish little soul in herway, and you're a gay widower--so who knows?"

And home went Dick, chuckling all the way, partly at his own goodmanagement, partly at the new idea which his quick fancy had started. 

About a fortnight after, I had occasion to drive into Belford, attendedas usual by master Richard. The bells of St. Stephen's were ringingmerrily as we passed down Oriel Street, and happening to look up at thewell-known sign of the Old Red Cow, we saw that celebrated work of artsurmounted by a bow of white ribbons--a bridal favour. Looking onward toMiss Philly's door, what should we perceive but Mr. Lamb standing on thestep with a similar cockade, half as big as himself, stuck in his hat;whilst Miss Wolfe stood simpering behind the counter, dispensing to herold enemy Sam, and four other grinning boys in their best apparel, fivehuge slices of bridecake. 

The fact was clear. Jem Tyler and Miss Philly were married.