LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE TO JULIE _BY_ BARNEY STONE HEADQUARTERS CO. , 119 F. A. A. E. F. ILLUSTRATIONS _BY_ GORDON ROSS Copyright 1919 by THE SHERWOOD CO. All rights reserved To-- R. E. S. , whose Suggestions made these pages possible and palatable. [Illustration: ME ON GUARD] _DERE JULIE_ IN CAMP (Somewhere between the Kitchen and the lunch counter). Dere Julie, Well, hear I am in camp after being "rough-housed on the rattlers" for1 day and 2 nites; I was so shook-up that I'm like a loose button onan overcoat--no wheres in particular. The most vivid impression in my bean is our interview in the hall-wayof your flat the night (or was it morning) when we bid each other afond fare-thee-well. Never will I forget them tender and loving wordsyou spoke, also will I remember them words spoke, by the guy on thesecond floor, NOT so tender; how was we to know you were backed upagainst the push button of his bell? When a boob like him lives in aflat in wartime he ought to be made to muffle his bell after 10 p. M. I'm gonna rite the Pres. About this. Our going away was some deeparture; I'll bet a small piece of changethat every fair young damsel on the block was present--and somedamsels not so young and fair. The old maid who grabbed onto me hadseen about 40 summers and heavings knows how many winters; she was socrosseyed that if she had pulled a weep the tears would have run downthe back of her neck. It was her last chance to grab a man and believeyou me, she made use of the opportunity. Well angel face, here I am a buck private fur fair, but believe youme, I'd rather be a private with a chicken on my knee than a kernelwith an eagle on my shoulder; and I'd rather have any shoulder on abar than a bar on my shoulder any time. Yours loving dough-boy, BARNEY. P. S. --I don't know why they call us dough boys, for thirty per aintmuch "dough, " is it angel face? [Illustration: "How wuz I to know you wuz agin the push button of hisbell. "] Same Camp. (Not on the map. ) Dere Julie, Many thanks, my cherrie (that's French), fur the lovely cake you sentme, but believe you me deary, I didn't get a smell of it. I got thebox about 6 p. M. Opened it at 6;01, and at 6;01½ our band played theStar Spangled Banner and all us fellows had to stand at attention;by the time they had finished, our company mascot, a billy goatcamouflaged with a bunch of whiskers and an unshaven glue factorybreath gobbled the whole blooming business. Speaken of eats, the Gov't certainly comes across with the gorging. That is, there's plenty of it, but the "maynew" is not as long as asearch warrant. But O, my kingdom for a plate of ham and eggs. Ham isscarcer here than at a Jew wedding feast, and as for eggs, there ain'tno sich thing in the world. I think that some of Bill of Berlin'sginks in this country have been hanging up birth control "info" inevery hen house in the U. S. Least ways sumpin has happened to cornerthe market. Well, deary, far be it from me to say how long this war will last. Igot a scheme to end it, so I'm gonna spill it to you, and here she is;Lock Theo. Roosevelt and his three sons in the same room with Williamthe Twicer and his seven sons; whichever cums out at the end of anhour wins the war. You bet when this cums off I'll hold a ticket onTheo. Well honey bunch, I had a lovely dream last eve, I dreamed thatyou and me was holding down a park bench, with not a cop in sight. I had just taken you in my arms, and touched your ruby lips, when Isuddently awoke to find the captain's pet sausage hound was licking mynose. Some day there's gonna be a first class dog funeral in this campand that lop-eared canine is gonna ride in the head wagon. It's so cold down here that if a guy wanted a hair cut all he'd haftto do would be to wet his hair, leave his hat off, and break off theicicles, More Anon. Yours until Lillian Rustle retires, BARNEY. P. S. --I'd rather be a lamp post on Broadway, than a ten story buildingdown here. [Illustration: "The Captin's pet sausage hound wuz lickin' my face. "] In Camp C, W and H. (Meaning cold, wet and hungry. ) Dere Star of My Heart, Big day for us; we got our new soldier scenery--a complete set fromkicks to skypieces. Did you ever see a feather bed with a stringtied around the middle, or a bale of hay with the middle hoop busted?That's what my appollonnaris form looks like now draped in the togshanded me by the "land of the free and the home of the brave. " Thepants must have been cut out with a circular saw for a bow-leggedsimp. I have to use a compass to find out which direction I'm going, and believe you me when I caught sight of "yours truly" in a mirror Ilooked like the end of a load of wood and just as handsome. These clothes remind me of the tailors sign on eur block, "A. LEVINSKY, FIRST CLASS TAILOR. Wear a suit of our clothes and you willhave a fit. " I am liable to have several fits before I get acquaintedwith 'em. If I could rent out the extra room, I could buy "makins"for a month. They call 'em fatigue uniforms, and believe you me theycalled 'em right--one look at 'em makes you tired. The only thingsthat fit are the hat cord and collar ornaments. You know how it is with me Julie nothing ready made fits me but ahanky. After studying the directions, I managed to make 'em hang on me. I wasso interested in 'em that on my way over to the barracks, I failedto salute a major who passed; he grabbed me amid ships with one handand pointed to his shoulder with the other; my mind bein on clothingscenery instead of salutin, I piped up, You got no kick comin, lookwhat they handed me. Me and Skinny Shaner got on the outside of about a ½ dozen pickledpigs feet last night at the canteen and finished off with about aquart of ice-cream apeace. Along about a hour or so afterwards duringthe mixing process, I guess the pigs feet got cold in the ice creamand commenced to kick. Skinny was doubled up so he looked like a horseshoe bend on a scenic railroad. I suggested that we each take a doseof Allen's Foot Ease, as I heard that helped sore feet, but Skinnybalked; he always was stubborn like that. Finally, we sent in a threealarm for a doc. [Illustration: "You got no kick comin'--look what they handed me. "] He asked us what we'd been eatin; we couldn't give up anything, otherwise we'd have "give up" the pigs-feet, so the Doc. Allowed wehad the appende-come-and-get-me. That's about as near to the truth asthe Docs usually gets. If you're laying at death's door they generallypull you thru. The Doc said "operation at once" but havin read IrveCobb's book about Operations I passed the buck to Skinny and weboth got better simultaneously to once. I don't jest "make" thisappendicitis but I have a suspicion that's its a disease that costsabout $500. 00 more than the stummick ache; anyhow its sumpin you havejust before your Doc buys a new automobile. All the samee, we're offpigs feet fur life. Yrs in Health BARNEY. P. S. --I left my other shirt at the "chinks" to be laundered. Don't lethim sell it for charges before I get back. Dere Julie, At last I am a officer; and it happened like this. To make my oldlady feel good, and knowin she didn't know much of the "parley-voo"spoke in the army, I rote her that I had been made a Captain in theLatrines; this A. M. I gets a "billy-doo" from her asking me, now thatI had got to be a high up officer, not to be too hard on the boysunder me, and to always remember that I was once a buck private in therear ranks. I hope the old lady don't think to look the word up in thedictionary, or she might, as Laura Blue Jeans Libby says "be rudelyawakened. " Eh What? An instructor today was wising us up on overseas service, and toldus the best way to rough house cooties; he didn't show us any of thepets, but did show us the scratch proof dug-outs they had made onhis frame. From the way he described 'em and their habits, I imaginethey are the same species of "seam squirrels" that you get in a ConeyIsland bathin suit. The first time you go to Mrs. Woolworth's storeplease buy and send me a ½ dozen graters so I can rent 'em out tothe boys to scratch on. That's me. In time of piece prepare for war. I see by the papers that Uncle Sam says the Kings must be thrown out. Believe you me, he must be some poker player to throw out 3 kings andmake a hand win. Skinny Shaner got in dutch today at drill. We had been drillin for ahour or so, and the command was, Company forward march! Halt! This waskept up continuously fur about a hour, and all to wunce Skinny troweddown his gun and said he'd be d---- if he would be bossed by a guylike that, he changed his mind to d---- often. Skinny is always likethat. Ever since he's been here, he's been braggin what a fine singerhe is; said his voice was trained for Grand Opera. He sang for us lastnight, a song, entitled "God give us cheap ice, for Heaven's knows wehave cheap skates. " Believe you me, his voice was trained for GrandRapids instead of Grand Opera. Yours until the William the Twicer gives that dinner in Paris, BARNEY. P. S. --I hope Skinny keeps well. He will if he don't try to sing againtonite. [Illustration: his voice wuz trained fer Grand Rapids instead of GrandOpera] Dere Julie, They took away our maiden names yesterday, and give us numbers, Skinny's is 31. Yesterday his old man arrived in camp to visit him. Stepping blithely up to the top sarge he pipes up "I am the father ofthirty-one. " "Well said the sarge, you ain't got much on me, I am thefather of eighteen myself. " My number is 475. Today they marched us off to listen to a hour sermonby a antiquated ol' bunch of spinnage, who at the end bawled out, No. 475. "Art thou weary, Art thou languid?" An now they give me 7 days inthe guard house because I yelled out that I certainly was. How was Ito know that the ol' billy goat was givin out the him to be sang. Im readin in the papers you sent me from home that Bill Ferguson hasenlisted, which fact leads your "uncle Dudley" to say that the warcertainly is nearin the end, for nobody ever knowed Bill to hold a jobmore than 30 days at the longest. We got our first settin up exercises today. Believe you me, they aremore settin down than they are settin up. All the boobs have to lieon there backs, put there laigs in the air, and move 'em like he wuzridin a bicycle. All to once Skinny Shaner stopped. The drill Sargestepped over and deemanded to know why he quit. "Im coastin" pipesSkinny, "I always do a little coastin when I ride a wheel. " Believeyou me if Skinny ever tries to ride all of them wheels in his head atone and the same time, he have to do a considerable lot of coastin. With love and mushes, BARNEY. P. S. --I hope this war lasts till I get over. I'll make that pollparrot of a clown quince learn to say "UNCLE" in jig time. He won'thave as much chance as a tallow legged dog chase a cat thru H----. Nowthat the Yanks have Come in fur fair, Kings, Queens and two spots isgonna be throwed in the discard. [Illustration: "Coastin"] Dere Julie, The Doc says that me and Skinny will recover, but we'll never lookthe same. It wuz like this. Day behind yesterday we wuz out for bombinpractice, each one havin quite some supply of them hell on the Wabashlookin things in our posesshun. Of course nothing wood do Skinny, butthat he must have a smoke. All to once, as you read in the papers, their was a tree-mendus explosion and I went up what seamed to meabout a thousand feet. On the way down, I met Skinny going up, heyelled out to me, "I'll bet you five bucks that I go higher than youdid. " Skinny is some sport. Some of our training officers has seen active service in the frontline trenches. Yesterday was visiting day in camp; after drill, aspretty a "Jane" as I have seen in this neck of woods asks one of 'emdid he croak a Fritz, while on the other side? "I sure did, " sed he"with this mighty rite hand. " Whereupon, this "bunch of peeches" grabshis hand and kisses it. Skinny 'lowed as how _he_ would have told herhe bit him to deth. That's Skinny, he's strong for the "Janes. " Don'tpeeve up Julie, a lot of 'em down here fall for me, but I let 'emlay; exceptin for a few I've saw, you have 'em all lashed to the masthowlin fur mercy. Seems to me like we don't do anything down here but walk. It's awonder to me that all of us don't walk in our sleep. I was tellingSkinny we should have joined the cavillry, but Skinny said no; He'lowed as how if he ever had to retreat he didn't want to be botheredwith no horse. Yours truly and affectionately, BARNEY. [Illustration: "I'll bet 5 bucks I go higher than you. "] Dere Julie: Many thanks for the pink silk piejamas, with the red ribbon ties. Skinny sez they are "a thing of beauty and a joy forever. " It don'ttake much to make Skinny poetical. When the Sarge got a lamp at 'em hesed "they would move _anyone_ to poetry, if he didn't "do the Dutch"first. " I'm afraid the Pres. Is not running this trainin biz rite. What'sthe use of wisin up this big bunch of guys, when one company of cookscould wipe out the Fritzies in twenty four hours, if they can get 'emto eat some of the stuff they wish onto us. We have seventeen kinds ofmeat everyday--hash. That's all rite. We can stand fur that, but whenthey put raisins in it on Sunday and call it puddin, good nite, itsenough to make a feller bat 1000 in the booze league. Speakin of shufflin off reminds me that Skinny 'lows as how we oughtto make our wills before we hit the briny trail. The only WILL I'mworried about Julie, is WILL I cum back? And that's no Bullsheveki, fur you know derie when one of them tin fish strikes a transport, yerjest as well let your voice fall. Say Julie, I'm not fur this countrydown here a-tall. It has ticks; chiggers and nats all open fur bizat one and the same time. You never had a tick on you did you Julie?Well a dog with two sets of flees isn't any busier than said tick. They ought to draft a lot of 'em into the engineers. They are the bestlil' trench diggers on earth. They always selects a place between yourshoulder blades where you can't reach 'em and dig in. The think-tankof a tick is not large; but unless they have been shootin hop intothemselves, they can make a guy feel as small as a bar of soap after ahard days washin. Yours till the kaiser's mustash droops, BARNEY. P. S. Skinny sez this means "poor simp" but lissen, derie, fer you itmeans pretty sweet. [Illustration: "Them ticks is the best lil' trench diggers in thearmy. "] Friday the thirteenth. Dere Julie: A bugler is jest as popular round this camp in the a. M. As a romannose in Russia. If "yours truly" ever gets a large bunch of the mazumaI'm gonna hire a bugler to blow the revelee every morning at 6 undermy window so I can tell him to go to H----. Skinny sed a Jane he askedto marry him wunce told him to go to the same place; she didn't jestzactly tell in them words, but sed to go ask her paw. Now Skinnyknowed her "old" man was dead, he also knowed what kind of a lifehe'd lead, so Skinny was wise to what she ment when she piped "Askdad. " If she'd told me that same I would have thought she was flashina spiel for Sweet Caps. Skinny says that's repartee, but I thinkits RAP-artee. Speakin of Russia, I see by the papers that a newrevolution has busted out there. That God forsaken country reminds meof a fly wheel on a automobeel--2000 revolutions per minute. I had a grate peece of luck this a. M. I had three portions of baconfor breakfast which same happed on account of my bein seated betweena young Jewish feller on one side, and a Catholic feller on the other. It bein Friday--nuff sed. Don't ever try to tell me again that Fridaythe thirteenth is unlucky. If I was loose from the army, I could make a million dollars in theumbrella business; its stopped pouring now, but comin in bucket fulls, and we are looking fur orders from Washington any day to begin tobuild a ark. Last nite after taps me and Skinny wuz arguin about who wuz to blamefor this war. Confidentially Julie, I think it was Theo. Roosevelt. Doyou remember Julie, about ten years ago when Theo. Was on a trip roundthe world, he called on Bill the Twicer and Bill got out his army andpeeraded them in Theo. 's honor? and Theo. Not wantin to be lackin inperliteness, slapped Bill on the back and sed, "Bill with an army likethat you can lick the world, " Member him sayin that Julie? Well hedid, and Bill the Two-spot, was d---- fool enuff to fall fur Theo'sbunk. Yours 'till the Klown Quince sings the Star Spangled Banner. BARNEY. [Illustration: "An' Bill The Twicer wuz fool enuff to fall fer Theo'sbunk"] Camp Wadsworth. Dere Julie:-- Well, ol' girl, you can see by the heading of this that we have gonesouth. The plentifullest things down here is "dinges", mules and mud, and you very seldom see one without the other. You know Julie "Birdsof a fether gathers no moss"; sumpin like that anyhow; you know JulieI was never much on problems. I see a big lazy dinge yesterday asleepagainst a corner of the barracks when the bugle blowed the mess call;he woke up in time to hear the last notes; stretching himself andscratching his bed, he said: "Dar she blows, dinner time for whitefolks, but just 12 o'clock for niggers. " Well Julie, you can bet your Wrigleys and every hair on your bureau, that what Sherman said about war is right; its easy to get in an' hardto get out. Reminds me of the story my ol' man tells about when helived on a farm (You know Julie dere, I told you my old man was raisedon a farm in Brooklin, N. Y. U. S. A. ). He stuck his bean into a yoke, toteach a yearling calf to work double, and the way that calf startedto hot foot it to the other end of Long Island was some exhibition ofspeed. He could have give the Empire State express a ten mile startat Peekskill and beat it into Powkeepsy. He yanked my ol' man alongso fast that his feet only struck the ground every other mile. If thecalf had run around in a circle, my ol' man could have spit in his ownface. His coat tail stuck out so straight behind you could have playeda game of peaknuckle on it. Finally the o' man got hep that he wasn'tgonna be able to break the calf before the calf broke my ol' man'sneck so he yelled out, "here we come, dum our fool souls, somebody hedus off. " So Julie, see if somebody bobs up who is able and willin tostop this little unpleasentness, let him go to it like a sick kittento a hot rock. Member Julie that song we all usto sing comin home on the boat aftera picnic at Staten Island of the Patrick Dooley East Side Outingand Chowder Club? You know Julie--The chorus ends with Beans! Beans!Beans! Say kid, that song would fit in this camp like a hungry trampat a chicken dinner. Every farmer in the good ol' U. S. A. Must haveplanted nothing but beans for the last two years. We have 'em boiledfer breakfast, baked fer dinner, and in the soup for supper. Everytime the Chaplin (not Charlie) says grace, he always "Thanks the Lordfor these tokens of his grace, " and Skinny got forty-ate hours in thebooby hatch fer askin me real loud like, so everybody could hear himto "please put some of them tokens on his plate. " [Illustration: "Dinner fer white folks, but jest 12 o'clock ferniggers--"] But all the same Julie I'm glad I'm here. Of course I miss you; as thepoet sez "Your brite smile haunts me still. " Never will I ferget whata beautiful picture you made the Sunday before I left when I was rowinyou round the lake in Central Park. You was settin up in the bough ofthe boat trailing your lily white hand in the water, and looking upinto my eyes you gurgled in a voiced choking with love, emotion andbeer, you said, "Wouldn't it be heavenly derie, if we could go flotingdown life's stream in a boat like this forever and ever"--an' mepaying 25c. An hour for the boat. Of course you didn't think of that, did you derie. Yours until Brooklyn wins another penant, BARNEY. Dere Julie: On land again, thank God! Comin across we skidded several times andthere were occasions when it looked like there wuzn't anything likedry land in the whole world, yet we finally landed on terra cotta, vice versi, or whatever Lattin fraze they use for solid ground. Believe you me, Julie, I luv a life on the ocean wave like a burlecuesoubrette luvs an alarm clock; that is I like it a lot, but not aheluva lot. Fer four hours at a strech I leand over the side of theship; I wuzn't interested in the ocean or the study of fishes, only Ifelt I had sumpin I must give up. Finally, after givin up everything, even standin for some of Skinny's jokes, I managed to recoversufficient to enjoy two meals before we got to the dock. Believe youme, derie, you do not know how near you cum to havin to wear black, and cashin in on my life insurance. Speaking of life insurance, reminds me of Skinny's prayer when he turned in one night when it wasstormy. "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, If the ship should sink before I wake, Uncle Sam has made a $10, 000mistake. " And speaking of turning in brings up the subject of hammicks; showme a guy who can ride one all nite without being turned out, and I'llback him to ride the best tricky mule that P. T. Bamum ever trained. About the only way to do, when the nite is ruff, and the ship isrockin, is to sit down and wait until your hammick comes around, andjump on it and choke it into insensibility. I made out to do thisbetter than the balance of the bunch, as I had had more practice, owing to the fact I used to use this method after a nite with theboys; when I got to my street I used to sit down on the curb, and watefur my house to come round; when it came I used to jump on it and hangon. Believe you me Julie, that "A life on the ocean wave" may be all riteas a song but its no noise fur a guy who was born and brung up inLongacher square. Will rite you again as soon as I get my land legs. Yours until they build another statue to Von Hindenburg. BARNEY. [Illustration: "I felt as if I had somethin I _must_ give up. "] Dere Julie, Arrived in London O. K. And wet. London is worse than them that talkabout it. When we got unshipped at Liverpool it was rainin cats anddogs, Skinny was worried over getting his new scenery wet, as he hadlost his rain coat, on the way over, so he spent all morning in therain trying to get a new one. Skinny was wetter than I was when I wenthome after my nightie the nite you had me stay at your house becauseit was stormin outside. He was so wet the water was runnin offen hisrist watch; Skinny wasn't worried about the rist watch as he said ithad been soaked many times before. Well derie, I am glad I enlisted; I am sertainly gettin someexperience in this little ol' scrap; and will have sumpin to relateto them slackers when I get home to 'lil ol' New York. Skinny askedme did I know what a slacker stood for. I told him I didn't knoweverything but that most of 'em reminded me of a lemmen marinepie--yellow all thru, and not enuff crust to go over the top. Howeverdon't be too hard on 'em Julie, no person is perfect as Mose Jacksonsaid when he was convicted for the 10th time of harvestin otherpeoples poultry. The worst thing I haft to lissen to is Skinny talkin about his firstwife. He says he used to sit and hold her hand fer hours; maybe hedid, and believe you me Julie from other things he said about her, Ibelieve if he'd ever let loose of her hand she would have killed him. With love, I am Yours until the Fritzies sing the Marcel Wave on Unter der Linden, BARNEY. [Illustration: He wuzn't worried. It had been "soaked" often--] Dere Julie, Well ol' dear (you see I've already picked up some London wheezes) aweek has flat-wheeled by since you've heard from 'lil brighteyes. Lastwensday Skinny and me got a pass to do the burg, and our pocket bookshave been at half mast ever since. As we are billeted some distancefrom Picadilly, we figgered to go downtown in a taxi, rite there ourtrubbles begun. We asked the pilot of the tin Lizzie what the taxwould be and he comes back with, "2 and 6 thankee sir. " Can you beatit? Two dollars fer me and six fer Skinny. We hot footed it down andsaved that much. I didn't care much about ridin with him anyhow. I think he was a Jona;anyway he was so cross eyed that if he'd aimed a gun at Berlin hewould have shot an eye out of Constantinopel. We wuz a little nervous account of not being wise to the customs, but Skinny said if we kept our lids down over our ears nobody wouldbe wise as to what was going on inside our skulls. The first placewe went into was the Palm Tree Inn. All the barkeepers and waiterswas "Janes. " Most of them wuz pretty good looking; one "Jane" inparticular was there with a front. Skinny got one lamp at her andimmediately forgot what he joined the army for. We wondered why it was called Palm Tree Inn cause there wasn't a palmin sight, but when we showed the color of our coin, then everybody inthe joint showed us a palm. The people here move slowly, and believeyou me Julie a spider slower than a fifth avenoo handsome cab wouldhave a cinch spinnin a web around all of 'em. Skinny says most of 'emhas a long line of ancestors; but let me slip you the "info" derie, that some of 'em must be sinkers on the end of the line. I wish that Iknowed as much as they think they do. Yours till someone counts all the flivvers, BARNEY. P. S. Tomorrow night, Skinny wants me to go to the Opera with him. I'm not goin--cause I always sleep better at home. I'd rather here asoubrette dolled up in a costume that would barely pass the bord ofsensers sing a song like "Mother don't bother with the rolls, father'scoming with a bun. " [Illustration: Skinny got one lamp at her, and immediately forgot whathe joined the army for] Dere Julie: These cockney birds sure chirp some language. Believe you me, a guyhad orto carry an interpreter around with him. Me and Skinny wentout to a swell English camp today to take a peep at English traininmethods; outside we sees a tipical Tommy Atkins settin down fixinsumpin wrong with his kicks; as we heaved along side of him, he yellsout to us, "I say, ol' top, have ye any lices?" Skinny, thinkin hement did we have seam squirrels commenced to bawl him out in jig time, telling him there was no such things in the good ol' U. S. A. When hecame back with, "Oh, I say ol' top, I didn't mean the lousy lices, I meant shoe lices. " What they say over here about these cootieswouldn't look well in print, and makes me think they are harder to getrid of than a flivver. If there's one thing in life that Skinny loves its sumpin good to eat. Honestly, Julie, I believe he thinks of eating when he's asleep. Wegoes into a feedin place yesterday in White Chapel to satisfy whatthe poets call, an inner longing. I was so hungry my stomak tho't mythroat was cut, Skinny slips the female "biscuit shooter" a tip andsez, "Now suggest a good dinner for me;" and she whispered in hislistener "Go to some other restaurant. " Serves Skinny right aboutlosing the tip for he's such a tight wad that when the company sings"Old Hundred" at chapel Skinny sings the "Ninety and Nine" just tosave a cent. Honest Julie, I don't believe he would give two bitsto see the statue of Liberty do the hoo-chama-cooch. Speaking ofthe hoochy-koochy reminds me that we saw the Ol' Curiosity shop thatCharlie Dickens wrote about, and desiring to become acquainted withhow much Skinny knowed about books, plays, and etcetery, I askedhim did he ever see Oliver Twist? He says "no but I've seen Fatimawiggle. " He would miss a point if he sat down on a tack, and it wouldtake a vaccum cleaner to sweep the cob-webs from his noodle; somedayI'm gonna hang a peece of crape on his nose, for I think his brain isdead. That's why I think he always has a cold in his head, as you know Juliethat disease always strikes in the weakest spot. Yours until one of the Kaiser's sons is wounded, BARNEY. P. S. Keep offen indoor sports, fur none of 'em has got sense enuff toknow when to go home. [Illustration: Skinny wouldn't giv 25 cts. To see the Statue ofLiberty do th' hoo-cha-ma-coochy] Dere Julie, We have caught up with the Spanish influenzy--not influence! as thereain't no sich thing in the world as Spanish influence. The disease isnot confined to Spanish people. It hit Skinny and he speaks Spanishwith an Irish accent, and has never been nearer Madrid than a Spanishomelet made in Hoboken. You're nose gets as red as a rear light on an automobile or the beakof a Park Row panhandler. Your knees knock together like a man whosees a collector for an installment house. The only things it don'tattack is your corns. They should rename it mucilage flu because itcertainly is a sticker; you have as much pep as an Ingersol watch withthe main spring on a two weeks vacation; but cheer up derie, thereain't goin to be any job fer any undertaker. No foreman fur a funeralis gonna say "All those desirin to kiss the corpse, will please passup this aisle and go down the other. " Not for a while I hope; whichreminds me of that time you and me went to the revival meetin inCarnarsie. Remember that Julie? You know the time the undertaker puta century note in the plate, and the ol' sky pilot not knowing who itwuz prayed that "the business of the giver would increase an hundredfold. " Skinny went into store today to buy a birthday present for his "Jane"in the U. S. Steppin blithely up to a fresh sales girl he said "Iwanna get something for a gift to a lady. " "Your wife sir?" sed she. Skinny thought it would be safer to pose as a married man, so he said"Yes'm. " "Bargain counter to the right, sir, " and she went on wrasslinwith her Wrigleys; she was so busy with it, she wasted no more timethan a blue gum coon passing a grave yard at midnight, with no rabbitsfoot in his pocket. The sales ladies in this emporium are always inhigh speed, with the throttle wide open when it comes to chatter; atanother counter I asked the young lady to show me the thinnest thingin underwear. Flashing a 40 below zero look she lisped, "I'm verysorry sir, but she's just gone out to lunch. " Yours until the Eskimos wear Palm Beach suits, BARNEY. [Illustration: "Somethin fer my wife" says he. "Bargain counter nextisle" says she] Dere Julie: We drilled today for the first time since we landed in this land ofsmoke and fog. I'd enjoy these drills, in fact so would all the boys, if it wasn't fer Skinny. The only one that's in step is him. He knowsas much of the commands as a Bowery Bum knows about publishing aChinese newspaper. Today we saw a German prisoner for the first time. He looked nearlyhuman. Written on his belt was "Gott mit Uns, " an English soldier whosaw it said, "But I say Ol top _We have the Americans with us_. " Soyou see they're wise to us already. Believe you me derie, if this war lasts six months longer, Gen. Pershing and his boys will make German the court language in the lowerregions. Skinny spent last night in the guard house. In trying to get back incamp after taps he runs plum into a sentry who said "Halt, who goesthere?" and Skinny told him "Oh never mind, I only have been herea week and you wouldn't know me ennyhow. " He told me today that hedidn't wanna be a kernel as there wuzn't much chance fer advancement. I think I told you Julie in one of my letters how stingy this birdSkinny is. Last week we got a three day ferlow and beat it up to thebig burg to see the sites. Goin into one of the big hotels, I said tothe clerk "What are your rates?" "Five shillings up to 10, " he said. Skinny called me to one side an' whispered "Ask him how much it willbe up to half-past eight. " Well, derie, we hear we're soon goin on to France, and thenfare-thee-well loafin. We be busier than a paralized man with thecooties. The only thing that's lible to bother me is the language. Idon't know whether I can speak it or not, I never tried it. Yours until they have ham at a Jewish wedding, BARNEY. Dere Julie: Skinny and me has at last burgled our way into society. You knowderie, that what I know about the highbrow stuff would fill a book, and what Skinny don't know would fill a library. Believe you me derie, you needn't get jelous for I would just assoon get chummy with a flivver as I would with this bunch of "Janes"who put us on exhibition, for that was exactly what we wuz in theireyes--freeks on exhibition. It happened like this: Lady Blue Jeans Shoddy or some name like thatwas givin an afternoon funkshun (I'm quotin from the invite so I can'tell you what it means derie) fer charity and a lot of our company wasinvited to come, admission free--tickets fifty cents. Anyhow it wasa lecture by Lord Somebody for the benefit of Lord knows what; thenearest I could make out it was a spiel on "Do married men make thebest husbands. " I'd like to tell you how I enjoyed the talk--but Idon't use that kind of language; anyhow I'll lay a small peece ofchange that this bird knew less about what he was trying to talk aboutthan you could drive into a turkey gobbler with a peggin' awl. I givein tho, that he was a brave cuss; anybody who stood up and shot "bull"like he did for two solid hours, must have been brave. Everytime Ilooked at him I thought of that ol saw "Faint heart never kissed thechamber maid. " When he finished everyone in the audience was "out"exceptin an ol maid who was trying to send him a love message by eyewireless. After his batteries went dead on him we was invited to eat. It wuz thefirst time I ever eat out in company with Skinny, and believe you me, Julie, it'll be the last time while I am conscious. I'm not going totry to tell you of all his breeches of etiket 'twould take too long, but he pulled one that was a beaut. He kept mixing honey with hispeas; I kep kicking him under the table, and finally I got a chanct towhisper "What in h---- was he doin that for?" He whispers back "How amI gonna make 'em stay on my knife if I dont mix 'em with sumpin. " Yours until country bording houses quit using canned vegtabils. BARNEY. Dere Julie:-- When the Kaiser is canned and I get back to the ol' job, eatin my 3 aday, and holdin your hand in the movies at nite, I'm gonna try fer thevaudeville. We have formed a quartet in our company, and we must bepretty good fer up to the present nobody has fired anything at us butremarks. Skinny tried to git in by telling us his voice was trained;the top sarge sed he guessed it was trained all-rite, all-rite, but he must of trained it selling strawberries. We have a littleYiddish feller in it too, You know, Julie, the one who slips me hisbacon every mornin; when he ain't soldierin, he runs a little gentsfurnishin store on 8th Avenoo; he's some warbler too, but persists inallus wantin to sing "Keep the home fires Burnin. " Well Julie, if hehas ten thou. Insurance on that joint of his, as he sez he has, nowonder he wants to "keep the home fires burnin. " He's all businessthis little Jewish guy. Skinny sez if he was shiprecked on a desertedeyeland he would get up the next morning and try to sell a map of theeyeland to the natives. He's a good business feller too. He rote asong once, fer a big vaudeville actor, and the actor wrote Izzy tosend it along and if it was good he would send a check. Izzy wiredback to send the check, if it was good, he'd send the song. Well Julie, I'd like to see your little blonde bean just about now. Believe you me, Julie, me for the blondes every time. Skinny says thatbrunettes is the most popular; well maybe he's right; ennyhow his girlhas been both, so I suppose he knows. I don't know whether you eversaw this "dame" of Skinny's or not Julie. She lives on the upper eastside of New York and ways about 275 plus in her bathin suit; believeyou me, she ought to marry a traffic cop as he's the only guy I knowof that can handle a crowd. I'll bet 10 cents against Bryan's chanceof being Pres. Skinny can wear one of her stockins for a sweater. Ifshe ever wore a striped waist she'd look like the awning over a greekcandy store, she never knows when she needs a shine, fer, like Billthe Twospot, she can't see de feat. Believe you me, angel face she looks like a model fer a tent. When Her and Skinny walks along Broadway the newsies yell, "HullyGee! Here goes the claronet and the bass drum, where's the rest of theband?" I'm tellin Skinny I can't see anything attractive about her, and he says "I know you can't see anything but she's got it in thebank all-rite, all-rite. " Speaking about this William Jennins Bryan, I'm readin in the papersabout a bull chasin him half way across a field. Imagine Julie, a bulldoin that to Theo. Rusevelt, it wouldn't go ten feet before Theo wouldturn round, grab it by the tale and throw it. When it comes to throwinthe bull Theo. Has any Spainnard or Mex lashed to the mast howling formercy. Yours until Eva Tanguay quits singin "I don't care. " BARNEY. P. S. Tell your ol' man not to lose any sleep over the four bits I owehim on that last peaknuckle game, for if anything happens to me hereyou can give it to him out of the l. I. Policy. NOWHERE IN FRANCE. Dere Julie: At last we are in the land made famous by Joan of Ark, and notoriousby N. Bonaparty. The little burg we are billeted in is about as big asa pound of choclates after a Yale-Harvard football game. It's so smallyou can stand on the corner of Rue de Main and spit into the country. It looks like the ornament on a birthday cake or a picture post officecard. We have been hear about 1 week, and would have written sooner but forthe second time in the life of yours truly, I am recovering from "Maldee Mear" (the name is bad enuff, but the disease is worse) ThirdClass passengers call it sea-sickness, but if you have a first classcabin, you are supposed to call it mal dee mear. They say its only about 30 miles from Dover to Callay; maybe it is ona calm day, but believe you me derie, we went up the hills of water tothe tune of about a hundred miles. It was all-rite goin up, but Juliegoin down is when everything "comes up. " That's if you have anythingleft to come up. [Illustration: "I don't know what to call you, " sez he, "Call me anambulance, " says I. --] The game we played comin over would have been a good trainin fer aprize fiter. We tumbled round so we looked like we was shadow boxin. "Snappy brand of weather" pipes one of these sailor guys. He was rite, I never remember givin a better imitation of a whip snapper; and thewind, Julie dere, the wind which spends its time round the Flatironand Woolworth Buildings, are as the poets say "gentle zephers" to thatwhich sweeps across the English channel when a man sized storm is on;it listens like a cross between the moan of a dyin giastacutus and asubway express behind time under the East River. I never before was so glad to set my foot on dri land. I was sotickled I could have kisst the ground if it had been Hoboken, N. J. U. S. A. Next time they send me to Vive la France, I hope they send meby parcels post or airoplane. I bumped into the Captain; he said, "Idunno what to call you, " I told him he could call me an ambulance ora taxi, anything to get to land with. We have been on water so muchsince we swore our way into the army, that I don't know whether I'm inthe army or navy. Tomorrow me and Skinny is gonna get a pass to lookover Paree. We're lookin forward to a big time with what Skinny calls"Ze gay chansonettes. " I don't know whether he means a disease or adance, as I don't make this parley-voo much, but I'm gonna find outbefore we come back. With love I am yours until my wrist watch goes 24 hrs without takin arecess, BARNEY. P. S. How about my other shirt, did you get it from the Chinks? Nowhere in France the morning after a night in Paris. Dere Julie: So this is Paris. Believe you me, Julie, I don't see why they wannakeep Wilhelm the Twicer away from this burg; give him 48 hrs. InParee like the once around the clock we had here and it would befare-thee-well Wilhelm. There would be nothin left to say but "don'the look natural. " Speaking of funerals, Julie reminds me that was the first thing we metup with when we arrove in Paree! Flowers, paul-bearers, an everything. Skinny lowed as how it must be some high and mitey who had joined his4 fathers, and asked a Frenchy standing on the curb of the "bull-yard"who the big guy wuz? Shrugging his shoulders, he pipes up with sumpinwhich sounded like "Monsewer Jennyseepah. " Well, we didn't ever hereof the poor boob, so we went over onto the next Rue (make that Julie. I'm getting along fine), and we runs slap bang! into a other funeralmore elegant than the first; and Skinny not wantin to let anything getby him, again asked the name of the guy ridin in the head waggin andhe got the same answer "Monsewer Jennyseepah. " "Yer a liar, " yelledSkinny, "we just saw _his_ funeral on the other street. " Well, Julie, I don't blame Skinny, I was a little sore myself on the way this guytried to string us. [Illustration: Me an' Skinny seen the toom of Napoleon the Wunst. ] We got along seem the sights without much trouble; the toom ofNapoleon the Wunst, the bridge over the Sane, the 4th of July columand Champ de Lizzie; feelin hungry we drifted into a swell lookinfeedin place with good lookin she waiters. Now don't be nervous Julie, there ain't nothin gonna happen with me and them Jane's; for believeyou me star of my heart, I don't _care_ what anybody says to me, butyou can bet every dollar that Hetty Green ever gave to charity, thatwhen I do marry, I'm gonna get a dame who bawls me out in languagethat I understand. Well, luckily we struck a she waiter who spokea little American; to put it as she said "I speek a leetle of whatMonsewer calls ze Anglaise. " The first thing we ordered was soop. TheJane brought it in a bowl and had her thum jabbed into it, when Skinnypointed to her thum in the soop, she grinned and sed "Zats all rite, Monsewer, it is not hot. " We got along very well (considerin thatSkinny kept her mind offen her business by trying to send her a eyewireless) and got down to the desert. You know me Julie, Me for thegood old fashioned pies like my ol' lady makes. Gettin a lamp at whatlooked like a juicy huckleberry pie, I pointed to it and said in mycompany tone of voice "Please give me a big dose of that huckleberrypie. " Puttin on her prettiest smile and rollin her eyes, and archingher shoulders she cum back with "if Monsewer will pleese brush off zeflies, he will find it is custard pie--NOT ze huckleberry. " Its a good thing we are leaving to-morrow to go toward the front forif we staid round her long the moral of our regiment would stand atabout zero minus 5. Yours until they chase the Kaiser to Holland with the balance of thewindmills. BARNEY. On the Hike Nowhere in France. Dere Julie: There shure is a bunch of widows over here, Both grass and sod. I saylittle brighteyes, do you think it possible fer a guy to get hay feverfrom a grass widow? Ennyhow Skinny got some kind uv fever when he waschummin round with these female comfort kits, and if they don't losehis trail, I can see visions of a certain (what the dickens is thatFrench word for fat--oh yes, embumpoint), lady in Hoboken, N. J. U. S. A. , lookin fer a new affinity. In other words, unless the signs ismisleading, Skinny is gonna lose his liberty by gettin married, andits the opinion of your "'Lil Brighteyes" that the speech of P. Henryof Va. On "Give me Liberty or give me deth" was made, more because hewas married than because he was patriotic; and all the married men, I'm told Julie, are chirpin the same wheeze. Of course with you derie, its different. I don't believe you would accuse a feller of keepinanother woman when his pay envelope is a nickle shy on Sat. Night. Skinny and me had a date with the Pudding Sisters at the canteen lastnite, and believe you me, they was some babies, and was well worth themoney we spent on 'em. Some people we met today from Belgium say that when the Fritzies getsoused, they hug and kiss every woman they meet. What a fat chance forthat sweet maiden of fifty years who grabbed me off at the station, the day I left for camp. You can bet your Wrigleys that after aregiment passed her she would make a detour and catch up with the headof it again. Yours until Eyetalian restaurants serve real wine. BARNEY. P. S. After readin this letter over I tho't I'd better wise you up onthat date me and Skinny had with the pudding sisters at the canteenlast nite. Women are so suspicious you know. I ment we went down tothe canteen to get some puddin, rice and tapioca. "B. " [Illustration: She would run and ketch up with the hed of theperseshun] Dere Julie: Your last lovin letter was rec'd by your little bright eyes in aquaint old burg in viva la France, just back of where the Yanks aremaking soup strainers of William the Twicer's boobs by punchin themin the kitchen with that "wooden sword of America. " You know Julie, that story that the Emp has been jabbing them in the arm with about"America couldn't fite if she would, and wouldn't if she could, "and tellin em also about Germany's "submarines sinking all the Yankstransports etcery etcery. " If Bill keeps this up very long they willnickname him Barnum. Speaking of William the Twospot, reminds me of what one of our boys, which was taken prisoner and escaped, wuz telling about what the Empsaid when he saw so many of our boys on the front at Chato Theiry;sendin fer some of his generals he deemanded they tell him what boatbrung all them Yanks over. One of 'em piped up and sed "I think, yerMajesty it was the Lusitania. " Being German, it went over his bed likea air ship. The way things are goin now, it looks as if William the Twicer isgonna have a great future behind him: Skinny sez the Klown Quince andhis army reminds him very much of his (Skinny's) brother who went outwest and made twenty Indians run--but the Indians couldn't ketch him. Believe you me derie, the Boches are running faster than the colorin a 19 ct. Pair of stockins. They are hot footin it faster than thetrain that I left for camp on pulled out of Grand Central Station; andthat pulled out so fast that when I tried to kiss you from the windowwhen she started, I kissed a cow ten miles away. Well Julie dere, I miss you much believe you me. I'd rather see youjust about now than a messenger with the news that piece has beensined; of course there's a lot of nice girls hear amung the Red XNurses and Y workers, but there's so many officers and gold braidsround that fellers like us dont get any more show than a dollar at achurch fair. [Illustration: Speakin' of William the Two-spot] We're up now to where we can hear the noise of the big 75's as theypound the Boches from their trenches and have gotten so used to itthat we can't sleep without it. Every once in a while we see theambulances comin in, and a lot of the boys have to be watched tokeep em from trying to beat it back into the trenches again. We heardyesterday Julie, about a detachment who went over the top and thecommanding officer told em not to go beyond a certain objective duringthe first half hour; when the half hour was up they wuz a half milebeyond the objective. When the major of the battalion bawled out thecompany commander, he yelled back at him "H---- if the Crown Prince'smen couldn't stop 'em what chance had I to stop 'em?" That's whatswinning this hi' ol' scrap Julie--we hit em first and apologiseafterward. Some of our boys was sayin to-day that they thought the war would soonbe over, and when I ast Skinny about it, he allowed as how that meantfer single guys only; that the war would go on fer married men justthe same. Corporal Louie Heinlein sez that song "Here cums thebride is the greatest battle song of all" and Louie has had a lot ofexperience with "Janes. " But with you and me Julie dere, that will besumpin else again. Yours till people keep their New Year's resolutions until Valentinesday, BARNEY. Dere Julie, At last I have smelt the smoke of battel, and fer the third time sinceI joined the colors you don't know how near you've been to cashingthat 10 thou. Insurance policy. You would have cashed it fer sure thistime, if it hadn't been fer a despised cooty; never again will yourstruly be hard on 'em. I have one that I'm gonna retire on a penshun. It wuz like this. Our regiment wuz called upon to go into the front line trenches andwhile I was peepin over the top, one of them pesky "seam squirrels"commenced bitin the back of my neck. I bent my head for'd to reachover on the back of my neck to pick him off, at one and the same timea sniper cut loose at me from a big tree just outside the line ofFritzies trenches; had my head been where it was before I started toget the cooty, it would have been fare-thee-well Barney, so I justput Mr. Lifesaver back, and, as before stated, I'm gonna put him on apenshun. Believe you me derie, the way our boys made that sniper climb down outof that tree would make Tarzan of the apes have a hemorage, and turngreen with envy; he shinned down that landscape decorashun like as ifit was greased. Well derie, when we first swore our way into the army, I thoughtSkinny was a coward; I figgered if he ever got in a regular scrapwith Bill the Twicers hired patriots his knees would knock togetherlike a pair of castnets played by a Spanish bull fiter; but I take itall back, Skinny in battel is a whole team and a cross dog under thewaggin. It came about like this. We was bein bumbarded by the Fritziesin the most approved style and believe you me derie, the shells andshrapnels was flyin round and over our heads thicker than hungry bumsaround a free lunch counter; all to once Skinny commenced to get a badcase of the hecups. I didn't say anything to him as I was busy with alittle party of my own when all to once he yells to me, "Say Barney, fer Heavens sake do somethin to scare me so I can get rid of thesed---- hecups. " So you see Julie dere, you never can tell by the looksof a frog how fer it can jump. This lil' old scrap has brung out a lot of cases like Skinny's;fellers in civil life that you think wouldn't have the sand to getmanicured, or ther hair cut without takin cloroform, are puttinthemselves on the map faster than towns on newly opened Governmentland. Even the married men in our regiment are gettin so "Spiffy" thatI believe they'll have sand enough to talk back to friend wif whenthey get back home. Yours until they make bottles without false bottoms. BARNEY. [Illustration: He cum down that tree quicker than Tarzan uv the Apes] Dere Julie, Well Julie, a courier has just horned his way into camp with the"info" that this lil ol' scrap is over, and I've lost an other chanceto be a hero; but I'm not gonna go round making a noise like a dillpickel, just because I didn't get no show to give the Fritzies a uppercut. I'd rather be a live simp Julie, than a dead hero, any day. Its better for me ennyhow, to say "there he goes, than here he lies. "Believe you me derie, I've saw enuff of the damage these Boch pillscan do, to know that a boob who tries to stop one of 'em with hisframe, has no more chance than a 10 cent piece of ice when thethermometer is 99 plus in the shade, or a scuttle of suds in a Bowerygin mill. Well Ol' dear, she's over, and I didn't get a chance to croak a singleFritzie. My ol' man had better luck in the civil war. He was out onehot nite with a foraging party and they run into a confed ambuscade, a big fat Johnny Reb took after my old man and the chase was nip andtuck fer about 2 miles. Just when the ol' gent had give himself aslost, he saw over his shoulder the confed fall down in a heap and diefrom being overheated. But at last Julie dere, we have made the worldsafe fer the Democrats, so you can kill the cow's young son fer littlebright eyes as they did fer that young high roller mentioned in theBible. If veal is top high in the good ol' U. S. A. , I'll be satisfiedwith a table-dee-hoty dinner at the Cafe Des Enfants (meaning Child'sRestaurant), I'm not particular Julie, so long as every course isserved with your smilin face opposite. The more I see of the "Janes"over here the better I like the Julies over there. I've saw 'em alland not a one can hold a tallow candle up a dark alley to my ownJulie. In the language of the poet You can talk of English women Who like there beef and beer; Of Italy's black haired beauties Who love there land so dere; Of Spanish turtle doves Who sing of wealth and love; But give me the U. S. Girl She wins my esteem Fer everytime you kiss her You get the flavor of--Boston Pork & Beans! [Illustration: Home again, across the ol' Atlantic. ] Skinny has just arrove back in camp from the trenches and got the newsabout the sining of the armistice. He was caked with mud from hed tofoot, which he said he didn't mind till our captin complimented him onholdin all the ground they took yesterday. I guess Skinny thot he wasbein kidded. I made him pull off his clothes in jig time fer if he'dever get caught out in the rain like that he would have suffered alandslide. Well derie, I don't suppose an other letter will reach you before"Yours truly" so I can't say if I will rite again or not; enny-ways onour way back across the ol' Atlantic we wont have to look out fer anyof William the Twicers tin fish, and when I get back to the land ofthe free and the home of the brave, I'm gonna be afraid to get on aferry boat fer fear she might head across the ocean. And now Julie, fare-thee-well until I hold you in my arms again, Yours until married men have alibyes there wives believe BARNEY. P. S. I've just learned our regiment is to leave for home at once, soplug the push button on that guys bell in the hallway.