JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

SELECTED AND EDITED BY ONE OF AMERICA'S FOREMOST PUBLIC SPEAKERS

[Illustration: Publisher's logo]

NEW YORKEDWARD J. CLODE

COPYRIGHT, 1921, 1922, BY

EDWARD J. CLODE

_Printed in the United States of America_

JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

PREFACE

The ways of telling a story are as many as the tellers themselves. It isimpossible to lay down precise rules by which any one may perfecthimself in the art, but it is possible to offer suggestions by which toguide practise in narration toward a gratifying success. 

Broadly distinguished, there are two methods of telling a story. Oneuses the extreme of brevity, and makes its chief reliance on the point. The other devotes itself in great part to preliminary elaboration in thenarrative, making this as amusing as possible, so that the point itselfserves to cap a climax. In the public telling of an anecdote the tyrowould be well advised to follow the first method. That is, he should puthis reliance on the point of the story, and on this alone. He shouldscrupulously limit himself to such statements as are absolutelyessential to clear understanding of the point. He should make a carefulexamination of the story with two objects in mind: the first, todetermine just what is required in the way of explanation; the second, an exact understanding of the point itself. Then, when it comes to therelating of the story, he must simply give the information required bythe hearers in order to appreciate the point. As to the point itself, hemust guard against any carelessness. Omission of an essential detail isfatal. It may be well for him, at the outset, to memorize the conclusionof the story. No matter how falteringly the story is told, it willsucceed if the point itself be made clear, and this is insured for eventhe most embarrassed speaker by memorizing it. 

The art of making the whole narration entertaining and amusing is to beattained only by intelligent practise. It is commonly believed thatstory-sellers are born, not made. As a matter of fact, however, theskilled raconteurs owe their skill in great measure to the fact thatthey are unwearying in practise. It is, therefore, recommended to anyone having ambition in this direction that he cultivate his ability byexercising it. He should practise short and simple stories according tohis opportunities, with the object of making the narration smooth andeasy. An audience of one or two familiar friends is sufficient in theearlier efforts. Afterward, the practise may be extended before a largernumber of listeners on social occasions. When facility has been attainedin the simplest form, attempts to extend the preliminary narrativeshould be made. The preparation should include an effort to invest thecharacters of the story; or its setting, with qualities amusing inthemselves, quite apart from any relation to the point. Preciseinstruction cannot be given, but concentration along this line will ofitself develop the humorous perception of the story-teller, so that, though the task may appear too difficult in prospect, it will not proveso in actual experience. But, in every instance, care must be exercisedto keep the point of the story clearly in view, and to omit nothingessential in the preparation for it. 

In the selection of stories to be retailed, it is the part of wisdom tochoose the old, rather than the new. This is because the new story, socalled, travels with frightful velocity under modern social conditions, and, in any particular case, the latest story, when told by you to afriend, has just been heard by him from some other victim of it. Butthe memory of most persons for stories is very short. Practically neverdoes it last for years. So, it is uniformly safe to present as noveltiesat the present day the humor of past decades. Moreover, the exercise ofsome slight degree of ingenuity will serve to give those touches in theway of change by which the story may be brought up to date. Indeed, bysuch adaptation, the story is made really one's own--as the professionalhumorists thankfully admit!

INTRODUCTION

Wit and humor, and the distinction between them, defy precisedefinition. Luckily, they need none. To one asking what is beauty, a witreplied: "That is the question of a blind man. " Similarly, none requiresa definition of wit and humor unless he himself be lacking in allappreciation of them, and, if he be so lacking, no amount of explanationwill avail to give him understanding. Borrow, in one of his sermons, declared concerning wit: "It is, indeed, a thing so versatile, multiform, appearing in so many shapes and garbs, so variouslyapprehended of several eyes and judgments, that it seemeth no less hardto settle a clear and certain notion thereof than to make a portrait ofProteus, or to define the figure of the fleeting wind. " Nor is itfitting to attempt exact distinctions between wit and humor, which areessentially two aspects of one thing. It is enough to realize that humoris the product of nature rather than of art, while wit is the expressionof an intellectual art. Humor exerts an emotional appeal, producessmiles or laughter; wit may be amusing, or it may not, according to thecircumstances, but it always provokes an intellectual appreciation. Thus, Nero made a pun on the name of Seneca, when the philosopher wasbrought before him for sentence. In speaking the decree that the old manshould kill himself, the emperor used merely the two Latin words: "Seneca. " We admit the ghastly cleverness of the jest, but we do notchuckle over it. 

The element of surprise is common to both wit and humor, and it isoften a sufficient cause for laughter in itself, irrespective of anyessentially amusing quality in the cause of the surprise. Theunfamiliar, for this reason, often has a ludicrous appeal to primitivepeoples. An African tribe, on being told by the missionary that theworld is round, roared with laughter for hours; it is told of a Mikadothat he burst a blood-vessel and died in a fit of merriment induced byhearing that the American people ruled themselves. In like fashion, theaverage person grins or guffaws at sight of a stranger in an outlandishcostume, although, as a matter of fact, the dress may be in everyrespect superior to his own. Simply, its oddity somehow tickles therisibilities. Such surprise is occasioned by contrasting circumstances. When a pompous gentleman, marching magnificently, suddenly steps on abanana peel, pirouettes, somersaults, and sits with extreme violence, welaugh before asking if he broke a leg. 

The fundamentals of wit and humor are the same throughout all thevarious tribes of earth, throughout all the various ages of history. Thecauses of amusement are essentially the same everywhere and always, andonly the setting changes according to time and place. But racialcharacteristics establish preferences for certain aspects of fun-making, and such preferences serve to some extent in differentiating the writtenhumor of the world along the lines of nationality. Nevertheless, it is afact that the really amusing story has an almost universal appeal. Ihave seen in an American country newspaper a town correspondent'shumorous effort in which he gave Si Perkins's explanation of being injail. And that explanation ran on all fours with a Chinese story agesand ages old. The local correspondent did not plagiarize from theChinaman: merely, the humorous bent of the two was identical. In theancient Oriental tale, a man who wore the thief's collar as a punishmentwas questioned by an acquaintance concerning the cause of his plight. 

"Why, it was just nothing at all, " the convict explained easily. "I wasstrolling along the edge of the canal, when I happened to catch sight ofa bit of old rope. Of course, I knew that old piece of rope was of nouse to anyone, and so I just picked it up, and took it home with me. "

"But I don't understand, " the acquaintance exclaimed. "Why should theypunish you so severely for a little thing like that? I don't understandit. "

"I don't understand it, either, " the convict declared, "unless, maybe, it was because there was an ox at the other end of the rope. "

The universality of humor is excellently illustrated in Greekliterature, where is to be found many a joke at which we are laughingto-day, as others have laughed through the centuries. Half a thousandyears before the Christian era, a platonic philosopher at Alexandria, byname Hierocles, grouped twenty-one jests in a volume under the title, "Asteia. " Some of them are still current with us as typical Irish bulls. Among these were accounts of the "Safety-first" enthusiast whodetermined never to enter the water until he had learned to swim; of thehorse-owner, training his nag to live without eating, who was successfulin reducing the feed to a straw a day, and was about to cut this offwhen the animal spoiled the test by dying untimely; of the fellow whoposed before a looking glass with his eyes closed, to learn how helooked when asleep; of the inquisitive person who held a crow captive inorder to test for himself whether it would live two centuries; of theman who demanded to know from an acquaintance met in the street whetherit was he or his twin brother who had just been buried. Another Greekjest that has enjoyed a vogue throughout the world at large, and willdoubtless survive even prohibition, was the utterance of Diogenes, whenhe was asked as to what sort of wine he preferred. His reply was: "Thatof other people. "

Again, we may find numerous duplicates of contemporary stories of ourown in the collection over which generations of Turks have laughed, thetales of Nasir Eddin. In reference to these, it may be noted thatTurkish wit and humor are usually distinguished by a moralizing quality. When a man came to Nasir Eddin for the loan of a rope, the request wasrefused with the excuse that Nasir's only piece had been used to tie upflour. "But it is impossible to tie up flour with a rope, " was theprotest. Nasir Eddin answered: "I can tie up anything with a rope when Ido not wish to lend it. "

When another would have borrowed his ass, Nasir replied that he hadalready loaned the animal. Thereupon, the honest creature brayed fromthe stable. "But the ass is there, " the visitor cried indignantly. "Ihear it!" Nasir Eddin retorted indignantly: "What! Would you take theword of an ass instead of mine?"

In considering the racial characteristics of humor, we should paytribute to the Spanish in the person of Cervantes, for _Don Quixote_ isa mine of drollery. But the bulk of the humor among all the Latin racesis of a sort that our more prudish standards cannot approve. On theother hand, German humor often displays a characteristic spirit ofinvestigation. Thus, the little boy watching the pupils of a girls'school promenading two by two, graded according to age, with theyoungest first and the oldest last, inquired of his mother: "Mama, whyis it that the girls' legs grow shorter as they grow older?" In the wayof wit, an excellent illustration is afforded by Heine, who on receivinga book from its author wrote in acknowledgment of the gift: "I shalllose no time in reading it. "

The French are admirable in both wit and humor, and the humor is usuallykindly, though the shafts of wit are often barbed. I remember a humorouspicture of a big man shaking a huge trombone in the face of a tinycanary in its cage, while he roars in anger: "That's it! Just as I wasabout, with the velvety tones of my instrument, to imitate thetwittering of little birds in the forest, you have to interrupt withyour infernal din!" The caustic quality of French wit is illustratedplenteously by Voltaire. There is food for meditation in his utterance:"Nothing is so disagreeable as to be obscurely hanged. " He it was, too, who sneered at England for having sixty religions and only one gravy. Toan adversary in argument who quoted the minor prophet Habakkuk, heretorted contemptuously: "A person with a name like that is capable ofsaying anything. "

But French wit is by no means always of the cutting sort. Its moreamiable aspect is shown by the declaration of Brillat Savarin to theeffect that a dinner without cheese is like a beautiful woman with onlyone eye. Often the wit is merely the measure of absurdity, as when acourtier in speaking of a fat friend said: "I found him sitting allaround the table by himself. " And there is a ridiculous story of theimpecunious and notorious Marquis de Favières who visited a Parisiannamed Barnard, and announced himself as follows:

"Monsieur, I am about to astonish you greatly. I am the Marquis deFavières. I do not know you, but I come to you to borrow five-hundredluis. "

Barnard answered with equal explicitness:

"Monsieur, I am going to astonish you much more. I know you, and I amgoing to lend them to you. "

The amiable malice, to use a paradoxical phrase, which is oftencharacteristic of French tales, is capitally displayed in the following:

The wife of a villager in Poitou became ill, and presently fell into atrance, which deceived even the physician, so that she was pronounceddead, and duly prepared for burial. Following the local usage, the bodywas wrapped in a sheet, to be borne to the burial place on the shouldersof four men chosen from the neighborhood. The procession followed anarrow path leading across the fields to the cemetery. At a turning, athorn tree stood so close that one of the thorns tore through the sheetand lacerated the woman's flesh. The blood flowed from the wound, andshe suddenly aroused to consciousness. Fourteen years elapsed before thegood wife actually came to her deathbed. On this occasion, theceremonial was repeated. And now, as the bearers of the body approachedthe turn of the path, the husband called to them:

"Look out for the thorn tree, friends!"

The written humor of the Dutch does not usually make a very strongappeal to us. They are inclined to be ponderous even in their play, andlack in great measure the sarcasm and satire and the lighter subtlety infun-making. History records a controversy between Holland and Zealand, which was argued pro and con during a period of years with greatearnestness. The subject for debate that so fascinated the Dutchmen was:"Does the cod take the hook, or does the hook take the cod?"

Because British wit and humor often present themselves under aspectssomewhat different from those preferred by us, we belittle their effortsunjustly. As a matter of fact, the British attainments in this directionare the best in the world, next to our own. Moreover, in the Britishcolonies is to be found a spirit of humor that exactly parallels our ownin many distinctive features. Thus, there is a Canadian story that mightjust as well have originated below the line, of an Irish girl, recentlyimported, who visited her clergyman and inquired his fee for marrying. He informed her that his charge was two dollars. A month later, the girlvisited the clergyman for the second time, and at once handed him twodollars, with the crisp direction, "Go ahead and marry me. "

"Where is the bridegroom?" the clergyman asked. 

"What!" exclaimed the girl, dismayed. "Don't you furnish him for the twodollars?"

It would seem that humor is rather more enjoyable to the British tastethan wit, though there is, indeed, no lack of the latter. But the peopledelight most in absurd situations that appeal to the risibilitieswithout any injury to the feelings of others. For example, Dickensrelates an anecdote concerning two men, who were about to be hanged at apublic execution. When they were already on the scaffold in preparationfor the supreme moment, a bull being led to market broke loose and ranamuck through the great crowd assembled to witness the hanging. One ofthe condemned men on the scaffold turned to his fellow, and remarked:

"I say, mate, it's a good thing we're not in that crowd. "

In spite of the gruesome setting and the gory antics of the bull, thestory is amusing in a way quite harmless. Similarly, too, there is onlywholesome amusement in the woman's response to a vegetarian, who madeher a proposal of marriage. She did, not mince her words:

"Go along with you! What? Be flesh of your flesh, and you a-living oncabbage? Go marry a grass widow!"

The kindly spirit of British humor is revealed even in sarcastic jestingon the domestic relation, which, on the contrary, provokes the bitterestjibes of the Latins. The shortest of jokes, and perhaps the most famous, was in the single word of _Punch's_ advice to those about to getmarried:

"Don't!"

The like good nature is in the words of a woman who was taken to ahospital in the East End of London. She had been shockingly beaten, andthe attending surgeon was moved to pity for her and indignation againsther assailant. 

"Who did this?" he demanded. "Was it your husband?"

"Lor' bless yer, no!" she declared huffily. "W'y, my 'usband 'e 's morelike a friend nor a 'usband!"

Likewise, of the two men who had drunk not wisely but too well, withthe result that in the small hours they retired to rest in the gutter. Presently, one of the pair lifted his voice in protest:

"I shay, le's go to nuzzer hotel--this leaksh!"

Or the incident of the tramp, who at the back door solicited alms of asuspicious housewife. His nose was large and of a purple hue. The womanstared at it with an accusing eye, and questioned bluntly:

"What makes your nose so red?"

The tramp answered with heavy sarcasm:

"That 'ere nose o' mine, mum, is a-blushin' with pride, 'cause it ain'tstuck into other folks's business. "

But British wit, while often amiable enough, may on occasion be astrenchant as any French sally. For example, we have the definition ofgratitude as given by Sir Robert Walpole--"A lively sense of futurefavors. " The Marquis of Salisbury once scored a clumsy partner at whistby his answer to someone who asked how the game progressed: "I'm doingas well as could be expected, considering that I have threeadversaries. " So the retort of Lamb, when Coleridge said to him:"Charles, did you ever hear me lecture?". * * * "I never heard you doanything else. " And again, Lamb mentioned in a letter how Wordsworth hadsaid that he did not see much difficulty in writing like Shakespeare, ifhe had a mind to try it. "Clearly, " Lamb continued, "nothing is wantedbut the mind. " Then there is the famous quip that runs back to Tudortimes, although it has been attributed to various later celebrities, including Doctor Johnson: A concert singer was executing a number luridwith vocal pyrotechnics. An admirer remarked that the piece wastremendously difficult. This drew the retort from another auditor:

"Difficult! I wish to heaven it were impossible!"

Americans are famous, and sometimes infamous, for their devotion to thegrotesque in humor. Yet, a conspicuous example of such amusing absurditywas given by Thackeray, who made reference to an oyster so large that ittook two men to swallow it whole. 

It is undeniable that the British are fond of puns. It is usual to sneerat the pun as the lowest form of wit. Such, alas! it too often is, andfrequently, as well, it is a form of no wit at all. But the pun maycontain a very high form of wit, and may please either for itscleverness, or for its amusing quality, or for the combination of thetwo. Naturally, the really excellent pun has always been in favor withthe wits of all countries. Johnson's saying, that a man who would make apun would pick a pocket, is not to be taken too seriously. It is notrecorded that Napier ever "pinched a leather, " but he captured Scinde, and in notifying the government at home of this victory he sent adispatch of one word, "_Peccavi_" ("I have sinned"). The pun is of thesort that may be appreciated intellectually for its cleverness, whilenot calculated to cause laughter. Of the really amusing kind are theinnumerable puns of Hood. He professed himself a man of many sorrows, who had to be a lively Hood for a livelihood. His work abounds in aningenious and admirable mingling of wit and humor. For example:

 "Ben Battle was a soldier bold, And used to war's alarms, But a cannon ball took off his legs, So he laid down his arms. 

 "And as they took him off the field, Cried he, 'Let others shoot, 'For here I leave my second leg, 'And the Forty-Second Foot. '"

It is doubtless true that it would require a surgical operation to get ajoke into some particular Scotchman's head. But we have some persons ofthe sort even in our own country. Many of the British humorists havebeen either Scotch or Irish, and it is rather profitless to attemptdistinctions as to the humorous sense of these as contrasted with theEnglish. Usually, stories of thrift and penuriousness are told of theScotch without doing them much injustice, while bulls are designatedIrish with sufficient reasonableness. In illustration of the Scotchcharacter, we may cite the story of the visitor to Aberdeen, who wasattacked by three footpads. He fought them desperately, and inflictedsevere injuries. When at last he had been subdued and searched the onlymoney found on him was a crooked sixpence. One of the thieves remarkedglumly:

"If he'd had a good shilling, he'd have killed the three of us. "

And there is the classic from _Punch_ of the Scotchman, who, on hisreturn home from a visit to London, in describing his experiences, declared:

"I had na been there an hour when bang! went saxpence!"

Anent the Irish bull, we may quote an Irishman's answer when asked todefine a bull. He said:

"If you see thirteen cows lying down in a field, and one of them isstanding up, that's a bull. "

A celebrity to whom many Irish bulls have been accredited was Sir BoyleRoche. He wrote in a letter:

"At this very moment, my dear----, I am writing this with a sword in onehand and a pistol in the other. "

He it was who in addressing the Irish House of Commons asserted stoutly:

"Single misfortunes never come alone, and the greatest of all possiblemisfortune is usually followed by a greater. "

And there is the hospitable invitation of the Irishman:

"Sir, if you ever come within a mile of my house, I hope you will stopthere. " And it was an Irishman who remarked to another concerning athird: "You are thin, and I am thin, but he's as thin as the two of usput together. " Also, it was an Irishman who, on being overtaken by astorm, remarked to his friend: "Sure, we'll get under a tree, and whinit's wet through, faith, we'll get under another. "

Naturally, we Americans have our own bulls a plenty, and they are by nomeans all derived from our Irish stock. Yet, that same Irish stockcontributes largely and very snappily to our fund of humor. For thematter of that, the composite character of our population multiplies thevarying phases of our fun. We draw for laughter on all the almostcountless racial elements that form our citizenry. And the whole contentof our wit and humor is made vital by the spirit of youth. The newnessof our land and nation gives zest to the pursuit of mirth. We ape theold, but fashion its semblance to suit our livelier fancy. We moralizein our jesting like the Turk, but are likely to veil the maxim underthe motley of a Yiddish dialect. Our humor may be as meditative as theGerman at its best, but with a grotesque flavoring all our own. Thus, the widow, in plaintive reminiscence concerning the dear departed, saidmusingly:

"If John hadn't blowed into the muzzle of his gun, I guess he'd 'a' gotplenty of squirrels. It was such a good day for them!"

And in the moralizing vein, this:

The little girl had been very naughty. She was bidden by her mother tomake an addition to the accustomed bedtime prayer--a request that Godwould make her a better girl. So, the dear child prayed: "And, O God, please make Nellie a good little girl. " And then, with piousresignation, she added:

"Nevertheless, O God, Thy will, not mine, be done. "

At times, we are as cynical as the French. So of the husband, whoconfessed that at first after his marriage he doted on his bride to suchan extent that he wanted to eat her--later, he was sorry that he hadn't. 

Our sophistication is such that this sort of thing amuses us, and, it isproduced only too abundantly. Luckily, in contrast to it, we have nolack of that harmless jesting which is more typically English. Forexample, the kindly old lady in the elevator questioned the attendantbrightly:

"Don't you get awful tired, sonny?"

"Yes, mum, " the boy in uniform admitted. 

"What makes you so tired, sonny? Is it the going up?'

"No, mum. "

"Is it the going down?"

"No, mum. "

"Then what is it makes you so tired, sonny?"

"It's the questions, mum. "

And this of the little boy, who was asked by his mother as to what hewould like to give his cousin for a birthday present. 

"I know, " was the reply, "but I ain't big enough. "

Many of our humorists have maintained a constant geniality in theirhumor, even in the treatment of distressing themes. For example, JoshBillings made the announcement that one hornet, if it was feeling well, could break up a whole camp meeting. Bill Nye, Artemas Ward and manyanother American writer have given in profusion of amiable sillinessesto make the nation laugh. It was one of these that told how a draftedman sought exemption because he was a negro, a minister, over age, aBritish subject, and an habitual drunkard. 

The most distinctive flavor in American humor is that of the grotesque. It is characteristic in Mark Twain's best work, and it is characteristicof most of those others who have won fame as purveyors of laughter. TheAmerican tourist brags of his own:

"Talk of Vesuve--huh! Niag'll put her out in three minutes. " Thatpolished writer, Irving, did not hesitate to declare that Uncle Sambelieved the earth tipped when he went West. In the archives of ourgovernment is a state paper wherein President Lincoln referred toMississippi gunboats with draught so light that they would floatwherever the ground was a little damp. Typically American in itsgrotesquerie was the assertion of a rural humorist who asserted that thehogs thereabout were so thin they had to have a knot tied in theirtails to prevent them from crawling through the chinks in the fence. 

Ward displayed the like quality amusingly in his remark to the conductorof a tediously slow-moving accommodation train in the South. From hisseat in the solitary passenger coach behind the long line of freightcars, he addressed the official with great seriousness:

"I ask you, conductor, why don't you take the cow-catcher off the engineand put it behind the car here? As it is now, there ain't a thing tohinder a cow from strolling into a car and biting a passenger. "

Similar extravagance appears in another story of a crawling train. Theconductor demanded a ticket from a baldheaded old man whose face wasmostly hidden in a great mass of white whiskers. 

"I give it to ye, " declared the ancient. 

"I don't reckon so, " the conductor answered. "Where did you get on?"

"At Perkins' Crossin', " he of the hoary beard replied. 

The conductor shook his head emphatically. 

"Wasn't anybody got aboard at Perkins' Crossin' 'cept one little boy. "

"I, " wheezed the aged man, "was that little boy. "

In like fashion, we tell of a man so tall that he had to go up on aladder to shave himself--and down cellar to put his boots on. 

We Americans are good-natured, as is necessary for humor, and we havebrains, as is necessary for wit, and we have the vitality that makescreation easy, even inevitable. So there is never any dearth among us ofthe spirit of laughter, of its multiform products that by their powerto amuse make life vastly more agreeable. Every newspaper, and mostmagazines carry their quota of jests. Never, anywhere, was the goodstory so universally popular as in America today. It is received withgusto in the councils of government, in church, in club, in cross-roadsstore. The teller of good stories is esteemed by all, a blessingundisguised. The collection that follows in this volume is, it isbelieved, of a sort that will help mightily to build an honorable famefor the narrator. 

For greater convenience in references to the volume, the various storiesand anecdotes are placed under headings arranged in alphabetical order. The heading in every case indicates the subject to which the narrationmay be directly applied. This will be found most useful in selectingillustrations for addresses of any sort, or for use in arguments. History tells us how Lincoln repeatedly carried conviction by expressinghis ideas through the medium of a story. His method is renderedavailable for any one by this book. 

STORIES. 

JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

ABSENTMINDEDNESS

The man of the house finally took all the disabled umbrellas to therepairer's. Next morning on his way to his office, when he got up toleave the street car, he absentmindedly laid hold of the umbrellabelonging to a woman beside him, for he was in the habit of carryingone. The woman cried "Stop thief!" rescued her umbrella and covered theman with shame and confusion. 

That same day, he stopped at the repairer's, and received all eight ofhis umbrellas duly restored. As he entered a street car, with theunwrapped umbrellas tucked under his arm, he was horrified to beholdglaring at him the lady of his morning adventure. Her voice came to himcharged with a withering scorn:

"Huh! Had a good day, didn't you!"

 * * *

The absentminded inventor perfected a parachute device. He was taken upin a balloon to make a test of the apparatus. Arrived at a height of athousand feet, he climbed over the edge of the basket, and dropped out. He had fallen two hundred yards when he remarked to himself, in a toneof deep regret:

"Dear me! I've gone and forgotten my umbrella. "

 * * *

The professor, who was famous for the wool-gathering of his wits, returned home, and had his ring at the door answered by a new maid. Thegirl looked at him inquiringly:

"Um--ah--is Professor Johnson at home?" he asked, naming himself. 

"No, sir, " the maid replied, "but he is expected any moment now. "

The professor turned away, the girl closed the door. Then the poor mansat down on the steps to wait for himself. 

 * * *

The clergyman, absorbed in thinking out a sermon, rounded a turn in thepath and bumped into a cow. He swept off his hat with a flourish, exclaiming:

"I beg your pardon, madam. "

Then he observed his error, and was greatly chagrined. Soon, however, again engaged with thoughts of the sermon, he collided with a lady atanother bend of the path. 

"Get out of the way, you brute!" he said. 

 * * *

The most absent-minded of clergymen was a Methodist minister who servedseveral churches each Sunday, riding from one to another on horseback. One Sunday morning he went to the stable while still meditating on hissermon and attempted to saddle the horse. After a long period of toil, he aroused to the fact that he had put the saddle on himself, and hadspent a full half hour in vain efforts to climb on his own back. 

ACQUAINTANCE

The Scotchman who ran a livery was asked by a tourist as to how many thecarryall would hold. 

"Fower generally, " was the answer. "Likely sax, if they're weelaquaint. "

ACTORS

The tragedian had just signed a contract to tour South Africa. He told afriend of it at the club. The friend shook his head dismally. 

"The ostrich, " he explained in a pitying tone, "lays an egg weighinganywhere from two to four pounds. "

ADVERTISING

The editor of the local paper was unable to secure advertising from oneof the business men of the town, who asserted stoutly that he himselfnever read ads. , and didn't believe anyone else did. 

"Will you advertise if I can convince you that folks read the ads. ?" theeditor asked. 

"If you can show me!" was the sarcastic answer. "But you can't. "

In the next issue of the paper, the editor ran a line of small type inan obscure corner. It read:

"What is Jenkins going to do about it?"

The business man, Jenkins, hastened to seek out the editor next day. Headmitted that he was being pestered out of his wits by the curious. Heagreed to stand by the editor's explanation in the forthcoming issue, and this was:

"Jenkins is going to advertise, of course. "

Having once advertised, Jenkins advertises still. 

AFFECTION

There are as many aspects of grief as there are persons to mourn. Aquality of pathetic and rather grisly humor is to be found in theincident of an English laborer, whose little son died. The vicar oncalling to condole with the parents found the father pacing to and froin the living-room with the tiny body in his arms. As the clergymanspoke phrases of sympathy, the father, with tears streaming down hischeeks, interrupted loudly:

"Oh, sir, you don't know how I loved that li'll faller. Yus, sir, if itworn't agin the law, I'd keep him, an' have him stuffed, that I would!"

AGE

The woman confessed to her crony:

"I'm growing old, and I know it. Nowadays, the policeman never takes meby the arm when he escorts me through the traffic. "

ALIBI

The mother called in vain for her young son. Then she searched theground floor, the first story, the second, and the attic--all in vain. Finally, she climbed to the trap door in the roof, pushed it open, andcried:

"John Henry, are you out there?"

An answer came clearly:

"No, mother. Have you looked in the cellar?"

AMNESTY

The nurse at the front regarded the wounded soldier with a puzzledfrown. 

"Your face is perfectly familiar to me, " she said, musingly. "But Ican't quite place you somehow. "

"Let bygones be bygones, mum, " the soldier said weakly. "Yes, mum, I wasa policeman. "

ANATOMY

The little boy, sent to the butcher shop, delivered himself of hismessage in these words:

"Ma says to send her another ox-tail, please, an' ma says the last onewas very nice, an' ma says she wants another off the same ox!"

APPEARANCE

Little Willie came home in a sad state. He had a black eye and numerousscratches and contusions, and his clothes were a sight. His mother washorrified at the spectacle presented by her darling. There were tears inher eyes as she addressed him rebukingly:

"Oh, Willie, Willie! How often have I told you not to play with thatnaughty Peck boy!"

Little Willie regarded his mother with an expression of deepest disgust. 

"Say, ma, " he objected, "do I look as if I had been playing withanybody?"

APPEARANCE

The cross-eyed man at the ball bowed with courtly grace, and said:

"May I have the pleasure of this dance?"

Two wallflowers answered as with one voice:

"With pleasure. "

APPETITE

The young man applied to the manager of the entertainment museum foremployment as a freak, and the following dialogue occurred:

"Who are you?"

"I am Enoch, the egg king. "

"What is your specialty?"

"I eat three dozen hen's eggs, two dozen duck eggs, and one dozen gooseeggs, at a single setting. "

"Do you know our program?"

"What is it?"

"We give four shows every day. "

"Oh, yes, I understand that. "

"And do you think you can do it?"

"I know I can. "

"On Saturdays we give six shows. "

"All right. "

"On holidays we usually give a performance every hour. "

And now, at last, the young man showed signs of doubt. 

"In that case, I must have one thing understood before I'd be willing tosign a contract. "

"What?"

"No matter what the rush of business is in the show, you've got to giveme time to go to the hotel to eat my regular meals. "

 * * *

Daniel Webster was the guest at dinner of a solicitous hostess whoinsisted rather annoyingly that he was eating nothing at all, that hehad no appetite, that he was not making out a meal. Finally, Websterwearied of her hospitable chatter, and addressed her in his mostponderous senatorial manner:

"Madam, permit me to assure you that I sometimes eat more than at othertimes, but never less. "

 * * *

It was shortly after Thanksgiving Day that someone asked the little boyto define the word appetite. His reply was prompt and enthusiastic:

"When you're eating you're 'appy; and when you get through you'retight--that's appetite!"

APPRECIATION

The distinguished actor had a large photograph of Wordsworth prominentlydisplayed in his dressing-room. A friend regarded the picture with somesurprise, and remarked:

"I see you are an admirer of Wordsworth. "

"Who's Wordsworth?" demanded the actor. 

"Why, that's his picture, " was the answer, as the friend pointed. "That's Wordsworth, the poet. "

The actor regarded the photograph with a new interest. 

"Is that old file a poet?" he exclaimed in astonishment. "I got him fora study in wrinkles. "

ARGUMENT

"Yes, ma'am, " the old salt confided to the inquisitive lady, "I fellover the side of the ship, and a shark he come along and grabbed me bythe leg. "

"Merciful providence!" his hearer gasped. "And what did you do?"

"Let 'im 'ave the leg, o' course, ma'am. I never argues with sharks. "

ART

An American tourist and his wife, after their return from abroad, weretelling of the wonders seen by them at the Louvre in Paris. The husbandmentioned with enthusiasm a picture which represented Adam and Eve andthe serpent in the Garden of Eden, in connection with the eating of theforbidden fruit. The wife also waxed enthusiastic, and interjected aremark:

"Yes, we found the picture most interesting, most interesting indeed, because, you see, we know the anecdote. "

 * * *

The Yankee tourist described glowingly the statue of a beautiful womanwhich he had seen in an art museum abroad. 

"And the way she stood, so up and coming, was grand. But, " he added, with a tone of disgust, "those foreigners don't know how to spell. Thename of the statue was Posish'--and it was some posish, believe me! andthe dumb fools spelt it--'Psyche!'"

 * * *

"Tell me, does your husband snore?"

"Oh, yes, indeed--so delightfully. "

"What?"

"Yes, really--he's so musical you know, his voice is baritone, he onlysnores operatic bits, mostly _Aida_. "

 * * *

The packer from Chicago admired a picture by Rosa Bonheur. 

"How much is that?" he demanded. The dealer quoted the price as $5, 000. 

"Holy pig's feet!" the magnate spluttered. "For that money, I can buylive hogs and----"

His wife nudged him in the ribs, and whispered:

"Don't talk shop. "

ATHLETICS

The sister spoke admiringly to the collegian who was calling on herafter field day, at which she had been present. 

"And how they did applaud when you broke that record!"

Her little brother, who overheard, sniffed indignantly. 

"Pa didn't applaud me for the one I broke, " he complained. "He lickedme. "

AUTHORS

A woman lion-hunter entertained a dinner party of distinguished authors. These discoursed largely during the meal, and bored one another and moreespecially their host, who was not literary. To wake himself up, heexcused himself from the table with a vague murmur about opening awindow, and went out into the hall. He found the footman sound asleep ina chair. He shook the fellow, and exclaimed angrily:

"Wake up! You've been listening at the keyhole. "

BABIES

The visiting Englishman, with an eyeglass screwed to his eye, stared infascinated horror at the ugliest infant he had ever seen, which was inits mother's arms opposite him in the street car. At last, his fixedgaze attracted the mother's attention, then excited her indignation. 

"Rubber!" she piped wrathfully. 

"Thank God!" exclaimed the Englishman. "I fancied it might be real. "

 * * *

The teacher had explained to the class that the Indian women are calledsquaws. Then she asked what name was given to the children?

"Porpoises, " came one eager answer. 

But a little girl whose father bred pigeons, called excitedly:

"Please, teacher, they're squabs!"

BAIT

A gentleman strolling alongside a canal observed an old negro and acolored boy fishing. A moment later, a splash was heard. The boy hadfallen into the water. The old darky, however, jumped in after the lad, and succeeded in getting him safely to the bank. There he stood thevictim on his head to let the water drain out, and it was at this momentthat the gentleman arrived on the scene with profuse expressions ofadmiration for the prompt rescue. 

"It was noble of you, " the gentleman declared rather rhetorically, "toplunge into the water in that way at the risk of your life to save theboy. I congratulate you on your brave display of heroic magnanimity. "

The old colored man answered with an amiable grin:

"All right, boss. Ah doan know nuffin' 'bout magn'imity. But Ah jess hadto git dat boy out de water. He had de bait in his pocket. "

BALDNESS

A patient complained to the doctor that his hair was coming out. 

"Won't you give me something to keep it in?" he begged. 

"Take this, " the doctor said kindly, and he handed the patient a pillbox. 

BAPTISM

On the way to the baptism, the baby somehow loosened the stopper of hisbottle, with the result that the milk made a frightful mess over thechristening robe. The mother was greatly shamed, but she was compelledto hand over the child in its mussed garments to the clergyman at thefont. 

"What name?" the clergyman whispered. 

The agitated mother failed to understand, and thought that he complainedof the baby's condition. So she offered explanation in the words:

"Nozzle come off--nozzle come off!"

The clergyman, puzzled, repeated his whisper:

"What name?"

"Nozzle come off--nozzle come off!" The woman insisted, almost in tears. 

The clergyman gave it up, and continued the rite:

"Nozzlecomeoff Smithers, I baptize thee in the name of the Father and ofthe Son and of the Holy Ghost. "

 * * *

The aged negro clergyman announced solemnly from the pulpit:

"Next Sabbath, dar will be a baptism in dis chu'ch, at half-pas' ten inde mawnin'. Dis baptism will be of two adults an' six adulteresses. "

BAPTISTS

The old colored man left the Methodist Church and joined the Baptist. Soon afterward, he encountered his former pastor, who inquired thereason for his change of sect. The old man explained fully. 

"Fust off, I was 'Piscopal, but I hain't learned, an' they done say theservice so fast, I nebber could keep up, an' when I come out behin', deyall look, an' I'se 'shamed. So I jined the Methodis'. Very fine church, yes, suh. But dey done has 'Quiry meetin's. An', suh, us cullud folksescan't bear too much 'quirin' into. An' a man says to me, 'Why don't youjine de Baptis'? De Baptis', it's jest _dip_ an' be done wid it! 'An' soI jined. "

BASEBALL

The teacher directed the class to write a brief account of a baseballgame. All the pupils were busy during the allotted time, except onelittle boy, who sat motionless, and wrote never a word. The teacher gavehim an additional five minutes, calling them off one by one. The fifthminute had almost elapsed when the youngster awoke to life, and scrawleda sentence. It ran thus:

"Rain--no game. "

BATTLE

_Teacher:_ "In which of his battles was King Gustavus Adolphus of Swedenslain?"

_Pupil:_ "I'm pretty sure it was the last one. "

BEARS

The old trapper was chased by a grizzly. When he had thrown awayeverything he carried, and found, nevertheless, that the bear wasgaining rapidly, he determined to make a stand. As he came into a smallclearing, he faced about with his back to a stump, and got out andopened his clasp-knife. The bear halted a rod away, and sat on itshaunches, surveying its victim gloatingly. The trapper, though notusually given to praying, now improved the interval to offer a petition. 

"O God, " he said aloud, with his eyes on the bear, "if you're on myside, let my knife git 'im quick in 'is vitals, an' if you're on 'isside, let 'im finish me fust off. But, O God, if you're nootral, youjist sit thar on that stump, an' you'll see the darndest bear fight youever hearn tell on!"

 * * *

The guide introduced a tourist in the Rocky Mountains to an old hunterwho was reputed to have slain some hundreds of bears. 

"This feller, " the guide explained to the hunter, "would like to hearabout some of the narrer escapes you've had from bears. "

The old mountaineer regarded the tourist with a disapproving stare. 

"Young man, " he said, "if there's been any narrer escapes, the bears had'em. "

BEER

The father of a school boy in New York City wrote to the boy's teacher aletter of complaint. Possibly he welcomed the advent ofprohibition--possibly not! Anyhow, the letter was as follows:

"Sir: Will you please for the future give my boy some eesier somes to doat nites. This is what he brought home to me three nites ago. If foregallins of bere will fill thirty to pint bottles, how many pint and halfbottles will nine gallins fill? Well, we tried and could make nothing ofit all, and my boy cried and said he wouldn't go back to school withoutdoing it. So, I had to go and buy a nine gallin' keg of bere, which Icould ill afford to do, and then we went and borrowed a lot of wine andbrandy bottles, beside a few we had by us. Well we emptied the keg intothe bottles, and there was nineteen, and my boy put that down for ananswer. I don't know whether it is rite or not, as we spilt some indoing it. 

P. S. --Please let the next one be water as I am not able to buy any morebere. "

 * * *

The new soda clerk was a mystery, until he himself revealed his shamefulpast quite unconsciously by the question he put to the girl who had justasked for an egg-shake. 

"Light or dark?" he asked mechanically. 

BEGGARS

The cultured maid servant announced to her mistress, wife of theprofiteer:

"If you please, ma'am, there's a mendicant at the door. "

The mistress sniffed contemptuously:

"Tell 'im there's nothin' to mend. "

BEGINNERS

A woman visitor to the city entered a taxicab. No sooner was the doorclosed than the car leaped forward violently, and afterward went racingwildly along the street, narrowly missing collision with innumerablethings. The passenger, naturally enough, was terrified. She thrust herhead through the open window of the door, and shouted at the chauffeur:

"Please, be careful, sir! I'm nervous. This is the first time I everrode in a taxi. "

The driver yelled in reply, without turning his head:

"That's all right, ma'am. It's the first time I ever drove one!"

BETROTHAL

The cook, Nora, had announced her engagement to a frequenter at thekitchen, named Mike. But a year passed and nothing was heard of thenuptials. So, one day, the mistress inquired:

"When are you to be married, Nora?"

"Indade, an' it's niver at all, I'll be thinkin', mum, " the cookanswered sadly. 

"Really? Why, what is the trouble?"

The reply was explicit:

"'Tis this, mum. I won't marry Mike when he's drunk, an' he won't marryme when he's sober. "

 * * *

The delinquent laggard swain had been telling of his ability as apresiding officer. The girl questioned him:

"What is the parliamentary phrase when you wish to call for a vote?"

The answer was given with proud certainty:

"Are you ready for the question?"

"Yes, dearest, " the girl confessed shyly. "Go ahead. "

BIGAMY

What is the penalty for bigamy?

Two mothers-in-law. 

 * * *

The man was weak and naturally unlucky, and so he got married threetimes inside of a year. He was convicted and sentenced for four years. He seemed greatly relieved. As the expiration of his term grew near, hewrote from the penitentiary to his lawyer, with the plaintive query:

"Will it be safe for me to come out?"

BIRTH

The little girl in the zoölogical park tossed bits of a bun to thestork, which gobbled them greedily, and bobbed its head toward her formore. 

"What kind of a bird is it, mamma?" the child asked. 

The mother read the placard, and answered that it was a stork. 

"O-o-o-h!" the little girl cried, as her eyes rounded. "Of course, itrecognized me!"

BLESSING

The philosopher, on being interrupted in his thoughts by the violentcackling of a hen that had just laid an egg, was led to express hisappreciation of a kind Providence by which a fish while laying a millioneggs to a hen's one, does so in a perfectly quiet and ladylike manner. 

BLIND

A shopkeeper with no conscience put by his door a box with a slit in thecover and a label reading, "For the Blind. " A month later, the boxdisappeared. When some one inquired concerning it, the shopkeeperchuckled, and pointed to the window. 

"I collected enough, " he explained. "There's the new blind. "

BLINDNESS

The sympathetic and inquisitive old lady at the seashore was delightedand thrilled by an old sailor's narrative of how he was washed overboardduring a gale and was only rescued after having sunk for the third time. 

"And, of course, " she commented brightly, "after you sank the thirdtime, your whole past life passed before your eyes. "

"I presoom as how it did, mum, " the sailor agreed. "But bein' as I hadmy eyes shut, I missed it. "

BLOCKHEAD

The recruit complained to the sergeant that he'd got a splinter in hisfinger. 

"Ye should have more sinse, " was the harsh comment, "than to scratchyour head. "

BONE OF CONTENTION

The crowd in the car was packed suffocatingly close. The timid passengerthought of pickpockets, and thrust his hand into his pocketprotectingly. He was startled to encounter the fist of a fatfellow-passenger. 

"I caught you that time!" the fat man hissed. 

"Thief yourself!" snorted the timid passenger. "Leggo!"

"Scoundrel!" shouted the fat man. 

"Help! Stop thief!" the little fellow spluttered, trying to wrench hishand from the other's clasp. As the car halted, the tall man next thetwo disputants spoke sharply:

"I want to get off here, if you dubs will be good enough to take yourhands out of my pocket. "

 * * *

During the Civil War, an old negro was deeply interested in theconflict, but showed no sign of wishing to take part in it. A white manquestioned him one day:

"The men of the North and South are killing one another on your account. Why don't you pitch in and fight yourself?"

"Has you-all ever seen two dogs fightin' over a bone?" the negrodemanded. 

"Many times, of course, " was the answer. 

The old negro chuckled as he said:

"Did you ever see de bone fight?"

"Well!--no!"

"Dat's all! I'se de bone. "

BREAKFAST

The Southern Colonel at Saratoga Springs, in the days beforeprohibition, directed the colored waiter at his table in the hotel:

"You-all kin bring me a Kentucky breakfast. "

"An' what is that, sir?" the waiter inquired doubtfully. 

The Colonel explained:

"Bring me a big steak, a bulldog and a quart of Bourbon whiskey. "

"But why do you order a bulldog?" asked the puzzled waiter. 

"To eat the steak, suh!" snapped the Colonel. 

BREVITY

The best illustration of the value of brief speech reckoned in dollarswas given by Mark Twain. His story was that when he had listened forfive minutes to the preacher telling of the heathen, he wept, and wasgoing to contribute fifty dollars, after ten minutes more of the sermon, he reduced the amount of his prospective contribution to twenty-fivedollars, after half an hour more of eloquence, he cut the sum to fivedollars. At the end of an hour of oratory when the plate was passed, hestole two dollars. 

BRIBERY

A thriving baseball club is one of the features of a boy's organizationconnected with a prominent church. The team was recently challenged by arival club. The pastor gave a special contribution of five dollars tothe captain, with the direction that the money should be used to buybats, balls, gloves, or anything else that might help to win the game. On the day of the game, the pastor was somewhat surprised to observenothing new in the club's paraphernalia. He called the captain to him. 

"I don't see any new bats, or balls, or gloves, " he said. 

"We haven't anything like that, " the captain admitted. 

"But I gave you five dollars to buy them, " the pastor exclaimed. 

"Well, you see, " came the explanation, "you told us to spend it forbats, or balls, or gloves, or anything that we thought might help to winthe game, so we gave it to the umpire. "

BRUTALITY

Two ladies in a car disputed concerning the window, and at last calledthe conductor as referee. 

"If this window is open, " one declared, "I shall catch cold, and willprobably die. "

"If the window is shut, " the other announced, "I shall certainlysuffocate. " The two glared at each other. 

The conductor was at a loss, but he welcomed the words of a man with ared nose who sat near. These were:

"First, open the window, conductor. That will kill one. Next, shut it. That will kill the other. Then we can have peace. "

BURGLARY

A young couple that had received many valuable wedding presentsestablished their home in a suburb. One morning they received in themail two tickets for a popular show in the city, with a single line:

"Guess who sent them. "

The pair had much amusement in trying to identify the donor, but failedin the effort. They duly attended the theatre, and had a delightfultime. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess theidentity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of everyarticle of value. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a pieceof paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with thetickets:

"Now you know!"

CANDOR

Jeanette was wearing a new frock when her dearest friend called. 

"I look a perfect fright, " she remarked, eager for praise. 

The dearest friend was thinking of her own affairs, and answeredabsent-mindedly:

"Yes, you certainly do. "

"Oh, you horrid thing!" Jeanette gasped. "I'll never--never speak to youagain!"

CALMNESS

In Bret Harte's _Mary McGillup_, there is a notable description ofcalmness in most trying circumstances. 

"'I have the honor of addressing the celebrated Rebel spy, MissMcGillup?'" asked the vandal officer. 

"In a moment I was perfectly calm. With the exception of slightlyexpectorating twice in the face of the minion I did not betray myagitation. "

CARDS

A Tennessee farmer went to town and bought a gallon jug of whiskey. Heleft it in the grocery store, and tagged it with a five of hearts fromthe deck in his pocket, on which he wrote his name. When he returned twohours later, the jug was gone. He demanded an explanation from thegrocer. 

"Simple enough, " was the reply. "Jim Slocum come along with a six ofhearts, an' jist nacherly took thet thar jug o' yourn. "

CARELESSNESS

The housemaid, tidying the stairs the morning after a reception, foundlying there one of the solid silver teaspoons. 

"My goodness gracious!" she exclaimed, as she retrieved the piece ofsilver. "Some one of the company had a hole in his pocket. "

CATERPILLARS

The small boy sat at the foot of a telegraph pole, with a tin can in hishands. The curious old gentleman gazed first at the lad and then at thecan, much perplexed. 

"Caterpillars!" he ejaculated. "What are you doing with them?"

"They climb trees and eat the leaves, " the boy explained. 

"Yes?"

"And so, " the boy continued proudly, "I'm foolin' this bunch by lettin''em climb the telegraph pole. "

CATS

Clarence, aged eight, was a member of the Band of Mercy, of his SundaySchool, which was a miniature society for the prevention of cruelty toanimals. The badge was a small star, and Clarence wore this with as muchpride as ever a policeman had in his shield. He displayed eagerness inthe work, and grew somewhat unpopular with the other boys and girls byreason of his many rebukes for their harsh treatment of animals. But onemorning his mother, on looking out of the window, observed to her horrorthat the erstwhile virtuous Clarence had the family cat by the tail, andwas swinging it to and fro with every evidence of glee. In fact, it hadbeen the wailing of the outraged beast that had caused the mother tolook out. 

"Why, Clarence!" she cried, aghast. "What are you doing to that poorcat? And you a member of the Band of Mercy!"

Little Clarence released the cat, but he showed no shame as heexplained:

"I was--but I lost my star. "

 * * *

The teacher put a question to the class:

"What does a cat have that no other animal has?"

A number cried in unison:

"Fur!"

But an objector raised the point that bears and skunks have fur. Onepupil raised an eager hand:

"I know, teacher--whiskers!"

But another objector laughed scornfully. 

"Haw-haw! My papa has whiskers!"

The suggester of whiskers defended her idea by declaring: "My papa ain'tgot whiskers. "

"'Cause he can't!" the objector sneered. "Haw-haw! Your pa ain't nogood. My pa says----"

The teacher rapped for order, and repeated her question. A little girlraised her hand, and at the teacher's nod spoke timidly. 

"Kittens!"

 * * *

The little girl returned from church deeply musing on the sermon, inwhich the preacher had declared that animals, lacking souls, could notgo to heaven. As the result of her meditation, she presented a problemto the family at the dinner table, when she asked earnestly:

"If cats don't go to heaven, where do the angels get the strings fortheir harps?"

CHARITY

"Oh, mamma, " questioned the child, "who's that?" He pointed to a nun whowas passing. 

"A Sister of Charity, " was the answer. 

"Which one, " the boy persisted, "Faith or Hope?"

CHICKEN-STEALING

The Southern planter heard a commotion in his poultry house late atnight. With shot gun in hand, he made his way to the door, flung it openand curtly ordered:

"Come out of there, you ornery thief!"

There was silence for a few seconds, except for the startled clucking ofthe fowls. Then a heavy bass voice boomed out of the darkness:

"Please, Colonel, dey ain't nobody here 'cept jes' us chickens!"

CHRISTIANITY

A shipwrecked traveler was washed up on a small island. He was terrifiedat thought of cannibals, and explored with the utmost stealth. Discovering a thin wisp of smoke above the scrub, he crawled toward itfearfully, in apprehension that it might be from the campfire ofsavages. But as he came close, a voice rang out sharply:

"Why in hell did you play that card?" The castaway, already on hisknees, raised his hands in devout thanksgiving. 

"Thank God!" he exclaimed brokenly. "They are Christians!"

CHRISTMAS

A political boss wished to show his appreciation of the services of acolored man who possessed considerable influence. He suggested to thedarky for a Christmas present the choice between a ton of coal and a jugof the best whiskey. 

The colored man spoke to the point:

"Ah burns wood. "

 * * *

Santa Claus inserted an upright piano, a fur dolman, a Ford, and a fewlike knick-knacks in the Chicago girl's stocking. When he saw that itwas not yet half filled, he withdrew to the roof, plumped down on thesnow, and wept bitterly. 

CHURCH

The young members of the family had been taught to be punctilious incontributing to the collection at church. One Sunday morning, when theboxes were being passed, James, aged six, ran his eye over those in thepew, and noticed that a guest of his sister had no coin in her hand. "Where is your money?" he whispered. She answered that she hadn't any. But James was equal to the emergency:

"Here, take mine, " he directed. "That'll pay for you. I'll get under theseat. "

Which he did. 

 * * *

The old negro attended a service in the Episcopal Church for the firsttime in his life. Someone asked him afterward how he had enjoyed theexperience. 

"Not much, shohly not much, " he declared, shaking his head. "Dat ain'tno church for me. No' suh! Dey wastes too much time readin' the minutesob the previous meetin'. "

CLEANLINESS

The little boy was clad in an immaculate white suit for the lawn party, and his mother cautioned him strictly against soiling it. He wasscrupulous in his obedience, but at last he approached her timidly, andsaid:

"Please, mother, may I sit on my pants?"

 * * *

The mother catechised her young son just before the hour for the arrivalof the music teacher. 

"Have you washed your hands very carefully?"

"Yes, mother. "

"And have you washed your face thoroughly?"

"Yes, mother. "

"And were you particular to wash behind your ears?"

"On her side I did, mother. "

COMMUNITY

The young man at the summer resort, who had become engaged to the prettygirl, received information that led him to question her:

"Is it true that since you came up here you've got engaged to Billy, Ed, George and Harry, as well as me?"

The young lady assumed an air of disdain. 

"What is that to you?" she demanded. 

"Just this, " he replied gently. "If it's so, and you have no objection, we fellows will all chip in together to buy an engagement ring. "

COMPENSATION

Isaac and Moses dined in a restaurant that was new to them, and werepained seriously by the amount of the check. Moses began to expostulatein a loud voice, but Isaac hushed him with a whisper:

"'Sh! I haf the spoons in my pocket. "

COMPLIMENTS

"Would you like a lock of my hair?" asked the gallant old bachelor ofthe spinster who had been a belle a few decades past. 

"Why don't you offer me the whole wig?" the maiden lady gibed, with atitter. 

The bachelor retorted with icy disdain:

"You are very biting, madam, considering that your teeth are porcelain. "

 * * *

The young man, dancing with the girl to whom he had just beenintroduced, remarked with the best of intentions, but ratherunfortunately:

"That's the new waltz. My sister was raving about it. I think it'spretty bad. I expect she danced it with somebody rather nice. "

 * * *

In former times, when royalties were more important, a lady at a courtball was intensely gratified when a prince selected her as a partner. She was almost overwhelmed with pride when he danced a second measurewith her. 

"Oh, " she gushed, as she reposed blissfully in his arms, "your highnessdoes me too great honor. "

The prince answered coldly:

"But no, madam. Merely, my physician has directed me to perspire. "

CONCEALMENT

The widow was deep in suds over the family wash, when she saw her pastorcoming up the path to the door. She gave directions to her young son toanswer the bell, and to tell the clergyman that his mother had just gonedown the street on an errand. Since the single ground floor room of thecottage offered no better hiding place against observation from thedoor, she crouched behind a clothes-horse hung with drying garments. When the boy had opened the door to the minister, and had duly deliveredthe message concerning his mother's absence, the reverend gentleman casta sharp look toward the screen of drying clothes, and addressed the boythus:

"Well, my lad, just tell your mother I called. And you might say to herthat the next time she goes down the street, she should take her feetalong. "

CONCEIT

"I suppose I must admit that I do have my faults, " the husband remarkedin a tone that was far from humble. 

"Yes, " the wife snapped, "and in your opinion your faults are betterthan other folks' virtues. "

CONSCIENCE

The child had been greatly impressed by her first experience in Sundayschool. She pressed her hands to her breast, and said solemnly to hersister, two years older:

"When you hear something wite here, it is conscience whispering to you. "

"It's no such thing, " the sister jeered. "That's just wind on yourtummie. "

CONSTANCY

His companion bent over the dying man, to catch the last faintlywhispered words. The utterance came with pitiful feebleness, yet withsufficient clearness:

"I am dying--yes. Go to Fannie. Tell her--I died--with her name--on mylips, that I--loved her--her alone--always. . . . And Jennie--tellJennie--the same thing. "

CONVERSION

A zealous church member in a Kentucky village made an earnest effort toconvert a particularly vicious old mountaineer named Jim, who waslocally notorious for his godlessness. But the old man was hard-headedand stubborn, firmly rooted in his evil courses, so that he resisted thepious efforts in his behalf. 

"Jim, " the exhorter questioned sadly at last, "ain't you teched by thestory of the Lord what died to save yer soul?"

"Humph!" Jim retorted contemptuously. "Air ye aimin' to tell me the Lorddied to save me, when He ain't never seed me, ner knowed me?"

"Jim, " the missionary explained with fervor, "it was a darn sight easierfor the Lord to die fer ye jest because He never seed ye than if Heknowed ye as well as we-alls do!"

COOKERY

The housewife gave the tramp a large piece of pie on condition that heshould saw some wood. The tramp retired to the woodshed, but presentlyhe reappeared at the back door of the house with the piece of pie stillintact save for one mouthful bitten from the end. 

"Madam, " he said respectfully to the wondering woman, "if it's all thesame to you, I'll eat the wood, and saw the pie. "

COURTESY

The witness was obviously a rustic and quite new to the ways of acourt-room. So, the judge directed him:

"Speak to the jury, sir--the men sitting behind you on the benches. "

The witness turned, bowed clumsily and said:

"Good-morning, gentlemen. "

COWARDICE

The old farmer and his wife visited the menagerie. When they haltedbefore the hippopotamus cage, he remarked admiringly:

"Darn'd curi's fish, ain't it, ma?"

"That ain't a fish, " the wife announced. "That's a rep-tile. "

It was thus that the argument began. It progressed to a point of suchviolence that the old lady began belaboring the husband with herumbrella. The old man dodged and ran, with the wife in pursuit. Thetrainer had just opened the door of the lions' cage, and the farmerpopped in. He crowded in behind the largest lion and peered over itsshoulder fearfully at his wife, who, on the other side of the bars, shook her umbrella furiously. 

"Coward!" she shouted. "Coward!"

CURIOSITY

The colored man, passing through the market, saw a turtle for the firsttime, and surveyed it with great interest. The creature's head waswithdrawn, but as the investigator fumbled about the shell, it shotforward and nipped his finger. With a howl of pain he stuck his fingerin his mouth, and sucked it. 

"What's the matter?" the fishmonger asked with a grin. 

"Nothin'--jest nothin' a tall, " the colored man answered thickly. "Ahwas only wonderin' whether Ah had been bit or stung. "

DAMAGES

The child came to his mother in tears. 

"Oh, mama, " he confessed, "I broke a tile in the hearth. "

"Never mind, dear, " the mother consoled. "But how ever did you come todo it?"

"I was pounding it with father's watch?"

DANGER

One foot in the grave, and the other slipping. 

DEAD CERTAINTY

On Tuesday, a colored maid asked her mistress for permission to beabsent on the coming Friday. She explained that she wished to attendthe funeral of her fiancé. The mistress gave the required permissionsympathetically. 

"But you're not wearing mourning, Jenny, " she remarked. 

"Oh, no, ma'am, " the girl replied. "You see, ma'am, he ain't dead yet. The hanging ain't till Friday. "

DEAD MEN'S SHOES

When a certain officer of the governor's staff died, there were manyapplicants for the post, and some were indecently impatient. While thedead colonel was awaiting burial, one aspirant buttonholed the governor, asking:

"Would you object to my taking the place of the colonel?"

"Not at all, " the governor replied tartly. "See the undertaker. "

DEAFNESS

In the smoking-room of a theatre, between the acts, an amiable young manaddressed an elderly gentleman who was seated beside him:

"The show is very good, don't you think?"

The old gentleman nodded approvingly, as he replied:

"Me, I always take the surface cars. Them elevated an' subway stairsketches my breath. "

"I said the show was a good one, " exclaimed the young man, raising hisvoice. 

Again, the elderly person nodded agreeably. 

"They jump about a good deal, " was his comment, "but they're on theground, which the others ain't. "

Now, the young man shouted:

"You're a little deaf, ain't you?"

At last the other understood. 

"Yes, sir!" he announced proudly. "I'm as deef as a post. " He chuckledcontentedly. "Some folks thinks as that's a terrible affliction, but Idon't. I kin always hear what I'm sayin' myself, an' that's interestin'enough for me. "

 * * *

An excellent old gentleman grew hard of hearing, and was beset withapprehension lest he become totally deaf. One day, as he rested on apark bench, another elderly citizen seated himself alongside. Theapprehensive old gentleman saw that the new comer was talking rapidly, but his ears caught no faintest sound of the other's voice. He listenedintently--in vain. He cupped a hand to his ear, but there was onlysilence. At last, in despair, he spoke his thought aloud:

"It's come at last! I know you've been talking all this while, but Ihaven't heard a single word. "

The answer, given with a grin, was explicit and satisfying to theworried deaf man:

"I hain't been talkin'--jest a-chewin'. "

DEDICATION

The visitor to the poet's wife expressed her surprise that the man ofgenius had failed to dedicate any one of his volumes to the said wife. Whereupon, said wife became flustered, and declared tartly:

"I never thought of that. As soon as you are gone, I'll look through allhis books, and if that's so, I never will forgive him!"

DEFINITION

The schoolboy, after profound thought, wrote this definition of the word"spine, " at his teacher's request. 

"A spine is a long, limber bone. Your head sets on one end and you seton the other. "

DEGREES IN DEGRADATION

Phil May, the artist, when once down on his luck in Australia, took ajob as waiter in a very low-class restaurant. An acquaintance came intothe place to dine, and was aghast when he discovered the artist in hiswaiter. 

"My God!" he whispered. "To find you in such a place as this. "

Phil May smiled, as he retorted:

"Oh, but, you see, I don't eat here. "

DELAY

A woman in the mountains of Tennessee was seated in the doorway of thecabin, busily eating some pig's feet. A neighbor hurried up to tell ofhow her husband had become engaged in a saloon brawl and had been shotto death. The widow continued munching on a pig's foot in silence whileshe listened to the harrowing news. As the narrator paused, she spokethickly from her crowded mouth:

"Jest wait till I finish this-here pig's trotter, an' ye'll hear somehollerin' as is hollerin'. "

DEVIL

Some wasps built their nests during the week in a Scotch clergyman'sbest breeches. On the Sabbath as he warmed up to his preaching, thewasps, too, warmed up, with the result that presently the minister wasleaping about like a jack in the box, and slapping his lower anatomywith great vigor, to the amazement of the congregation. 

"Be calm, brethren, " he shouted. "The word of God is in my mouth, butthe De'il's in my breeches!"

DIET

The young lady, who was something of a food fadist, was on a visit to acoast fishing village. She questioned her host as to the general diet ofthe natives, and was told that they subsisted almost entirely on fish. The girl protested:

"But fish is a brain food, and these folks are really the mostunintelligent-looking that I ever saw. "

"Mebbe so, " the host agreed. "And just think what they'd look like ifthey didn't eat fish!"

DIGESTION

In an English school, the examiner asked one of the children to name theproducts of the Indian Empire. The child was well prepared, but verynervous. 

"Please, sir, " the answer ran, "India produces curries and pepper andrice and citron and chutney and--and----"

There was a long pause. Then, as the first child remained silent, alittle girl raised her hand. The examiner nodded. 

"Yes, you may name any other products of India. "

"Please, sir, " the child announced proudly, "India-gestion. "

DIPLOMACY

"Now, let me see, " the impecunious man demanded as he buttonholed anacquaintance, "do I owe you anything?"

"Not a penny, my dear sir, " was the genial reply. "You are going aboutpaying your little debts?"

"No, I'm going about to see if I've overlooked anybody? Lend me ten tillSaturday. "

 * * *

Ted had a habit of dropping in at the house next door on baking day, forthe woman of that house had a deft way in the making of cookies, and Tedhad no hesitation in enjoying her hospitality, even to the extent ofasking for cookies if they were not promptly forthcoming. 

When the boy's father learned of this, he gave Ted a lecture and astrict order never to ask for cookies at the neighbor's kitchen. So, when a few days later the father saw his son munching a cookie as hecame away from the next house, he spoke sternly:

"Have you been begging cookies again?"

"Oh, no, I didn't beg any, " Ted answered cheerfully. "I just said, thishouse smells as if it was full of cookies. But what's that to me?"

 * * *

Sometimes the use of a diplomatic method defeats its own purpose, as inthe case of the old fellow who was enthusiastic in praise of the busylawyer from whose office he had just come, after a purely social call. 

"That feller, for a busy man, " he declared earnestly, "is one of thepleasantest chaps I ever did meet. Why, I dropped in on him jest to passthe time o' day this mornin', an' I hadn't been chattin' with 'im more'nfive minutes before he'd told me three times to come and see 'im agin. "

 * * *

The lady of uncertain age simpered at the gentleman of about the sameage who had offered her his seat in the car. 

"Why should you be so kind to me?" she gurgled. 

"My dear madam, because I myself have a mother and a wife and adaughter. "

 * * *

Diplomacy is shown inversely by the remark of the professor to the ladyin this story. 

At a reception the woman chatted for some time with the distinguishedman of learning, and displayed such intelligence that one of thelisteners complimented her. 

"Oh, really, " she said with a smile, "I've just been concealing myignorance. "

The professor spoke gallantly. 

"Not at all, not at all, my dear madam! Quite the contrary, I do assureyou. "

DIRT

We are more particular nowadays about cleanliness than were those of apast generation. Charles Lamb, during a whist game, remarked to hispartner:

"Martin, if dirt were trumps, what a hand you'd have!"

 * * *

The French aristocrats were not always conspicuously careful in theirpersonal habits. A visitor to a Parisian _grande dame_ remarked to herhostess:

"But how dirty your hands are. "

The great lady regarded her hands doubtfully, as she replied:

"Oh, do you think so? Why, you ought to see my feet!"

DISCIPLINE

Jimmy found much to criticise in his small sister. He felt forced toremonstrate with his mother. 

"Don't you want Jenny to be a good wife like you when she grows up?" hedemanded. His mother nodded assent. 

"Then you better get busy, ma. You make me give into her all the time'cause I'm bigger 'en she is. You're smaller 'en pa, but when he comesin, you bring him his slippers, and hand him the paper. " Jimmie yankedhis go-cart from baby Jennie, and disregarded her wail of anger as hecontinued:

"Got to dis'pline her, or she'll make an awful wife!"

DISCRETION

The kindly and inquisitive old gentleman was interested in the messengerboy who sat on the steps of a house, and toyed delicately with asandwich taken from its wrapper. With the top piece of bread carefullyremoved, the boy picked out and ate a few small pieces of the chicken. The puzzled observer questioned the lad:

"Now, sonny, why don't you eat your sandwich right down, instead offussing with it like that?"

The answer was explicit:

"Dasn't! 'Tain't mine. "

DIVORCE

The court was listening to the testimony of the wife who sought adivorce. 

"Tell me explicitly, " the judge directed the woman, "what fault you haveto find with your husband. "

And the wife was explicit:

"He is a liar, a brute, a thief and a brainless fool!"

"Tut, tut!" the judge remonstrated. "I suspect you would find difficultyin proving all your assertions. "

"Prove it!" was the retort. "Why, everybody knows it. "

"If you knew it, " his honor demanded sarcastically, "why did you marryhim?"

"I didn't know it before I married him. "

The husband interrupted angrily:

"Yes, she did, too, " he shouted. "She did so!"

DOCTORS

A victim of chronic bronchitis called on a well-known physician to beexamined. The doctor, after careful questioning, assured the patientthat the ailment would respond readily to treatment. 

"You're so sure, " the sufferer inquired, "I suppose you must have had agreat deal of experience with this disease. "

The physician smiled wisely, and answered in a most confidential manner:

"Why, my dear sir, I've had bronchitis myself for more than fifteenyears. "

 * * *

A well-to-do colored man suffered a serious illness, and showed no signsof improvement under treatment by a physician of his own race. So, presently, he dismissed this doctor and summoned a white man. The newphysician made a careful examination of the patient, and then asked:

"Did that other doctor take your temperature?"

The sick man shook his head doubtfully. 

"I dunno, suh, " he declared, "I sartinly dunno. All I've missed so faris my watch. "

 * * *

A member of the faculty in a London medical college was appointed anhonorary physician to the king. He proudly wrote a notice, on theblackboard in his class-room:

"Professor Jennings informs his students that he has been appointedhonorary physician to His Majesty, King George. "

When he returned to the class-room in the afternoon he found writtenbelow his notice this line:

"God save the King. "

 * * *

The Chinaman expressed his gratitude to that mighty physician Sing Lee, as follows:

"Me velly sick man. Me get Doctor Yuan Sin. Takee him medicine. Vellymore sick. Me get Doctor Hang Shi. Takee him medicine. Velly bad--thinkme go die. Me callee Doctor Kai Kon. Him busy--no can come. Me getwell. "

 * * *

The instructor in the Medical College exhibited a diagram. 

"The subject here limps, " he explained, "because one leg is shorter thanthe other. " He addressed one of the students:

"Now, Mr. Snead, what would you do in such a case?"

Young Snead pondered earnestly and replied with conviction:

"I fancy, sir, that I should limp, too. "

 * * *

The physician turned from the telephone to his wife:

"I must hurry to Mrs. Jones' boy--he's sick. "

"Is it serious?"

"Yes. I don't know what's the matter with him, but she has a book onwhat to do before the doctor comes. So I must hurry. Whatever it is, shemustn't do it. "

DOCTRINE

In a former generation, when elaborate doctrines were deemed moreimportant by Christian clergymen than they are to-day, they were proneto apply every utterance of the Bible to the demonstration of their ownparticular tenets. For example, one distinguished minister announced histext and introduced his sermon as follows:

"'So, Mephibosheth dwelt in Jerusalem, for he did eat at the King'stable, and he was lame on both his feet. '

"My brethren, we are here taught the doctrine of humandepravity. --Mephibosheth was lame. Also the doctrine of totaldepravity--he was lame on both his feet. Also the doctrine ofjustification--for he dwelt in Jerusalem. Fourth, the doctrine ofadoption--'he did eat at the King's table. ' Fifth, the doctrine of theperseverance of the saints--for we read that 'he did eat at the King'stable continually. '"

DOCUMENTARY EVIDENCE

During the worst of the spy-scare period in London a man was broughtinto the police station, who declared indignantly that he was awell-known American citizen. But his captor denounced him as a German, and offered as proof the hotel register, which he had brought along. Hepointed to the signature of the accused. It read:

"V. Gates. "

DOGS

The tramp was sitting with his back to a hedge by the wayside, munchingat some scraps wrapped in a newspaper. A lady, out walking with her petPomeranian, strolled past. The little dog ran to the tramp, and tried tomuzzle the food. The tramp smiled expansively on the lady. 

"Shall I throw the leetle dog a bit, mum?" he asked. 

The lady was gratified by this appearance of kindly interest in her pet, and murmured an assent. The tramp caught the dog by the nape of the neckand tossed it over the hedge, remarking:

"And if he comes back, mum, I might throw him a bit more. "

 * * *

Many a great man has been given credit as originator of this cynicalsentiment:

"The more I see of men, the more I respect dogs. "

 * * *

The fox terrier regarded with curious interest the knot tied in the tailof the dachshund. 

"What's the big idea?" he inquired. 

"That, " the dachshund answered, "is a knot my wife tied to make meremember an errand. "

The fox terrier wagged his stump of tail thoughtfully. 

"That, " he remarked at last, "must be the reason I'm so forgetful. "

 * * *

During the siege of Paris in the Franco-German war, when everybody wasstarving, one aristocratic family had their pet dog served for dinner. The master of the house, when the meal was ended, surveyed the platterthrough tear-dimmed eyes, and spoke sadly:

"How Fido would have enjoyed these bones!"

 * * *

The young clergyman during a parochial call noticed that the littledaughter of the hostess was busy with her slate while eying him closelyfrom time to time. 

"And what are you doing, Clara?" he asked, with his most engaging smile. 

"I'm drawing a picture of you, " was the answer. 

The clerical visitor sat very still to facilitate the work of theartist. But, presently, Clara shook her head in discouragement. 

"I don't like it much, " she confessed. "I guess I'll put a tail on it, and call it a dog. "

 * * *

The meditative Hollander delivered a monologue to his dog:

"You vas only a dog, but I vish I vas you. Ven you go your bed in, youshust turn round dree times and lie down; ven I go de bed in, I haf tolock up the blace, and vind up de clock, and put out de cat, and undressmyself, and my vife vakes up and scolds, and den de baby vakes and criesand I haf to valk him de house around, and den maybe I get myself to bedin time to get up again. 

"Ven you get up you shust stretch yourself, dig your neck a little, andyou vas up. I haf to light de fire, put on de kiddle, scrap some vit myvife, and get myself breakfast. You be lays round all day and haf blentyof fun. I haf to vork all day and have blenty of drubble. Ven you die, you vas dead; ven I die, I haf to go somewhere again. "

 * * *

Some persons are born to have honor thrust upon them, and such isobviously the case of the actor named in this story. 

The colored maid of an actress took out for exercise her mistress's dog, a splendid St. Bernard. A passer-by admired the animal, and inquired asto the breed. The maid said:

"I doan jes' zactly know mahself, but I dun hear my missis say he am afull-blood Sam Bernard. "

DOMESTIC QUARRELS

After a trip abroad, a lady inquired of her colored washerwoman:

"Lucy, do you and your husband quarrel now the same as you used to?"

"No, indeed, ma'am, " was the reply. 

"That is good. I'm sure you're very glad of it, aren't you?"

"Ah sho'ly is. "

"What caused you to stop quarreling, Lucy?" the lady asked. 

The explanation was simple and sufficient:

"He died. "

 * * *

The newly married pair quarreled seriously, so that the wife in apassion finally declared:

"I'm going home to my mother!"

The husband maintained his calm in the face of this calamity, and drewout his pocketbook. 

"Here, " he said, counting out some bills, "is the money for yourrailroad fare. "

The wife took it, and counted it in her turn. Then she faced her husbandscornfully:

"But that isn't enough for a return ticket. "

 * * *

The good wife, after she and her husband had retired for the night, discoursed for a long time with much eloquence. When she was interruptedby a snore from her spouse, she thumped the sleeper into wakefulness, and then remarked:

"John, do you know what I think of a man who will go to sleep while hisown wife is a-talkin' to him?"

"Well, now, I believe as how I do, Martha, " was the drowsily utteredresponse. "But don't let that stop you. Go right ahead, an' git it offyour mind. "

DOUBT

Small Jimmie discussed with his chief crony the minister's sermon whichhad dealt with the sheep and the goats. 

"Me, " he concluded, "I don't know which I am. Mother calls me her lamb, and father calls me kid. "

 * * *

Ability to look on two sides of a question is usually a virtue, but itmay degenerate into a vice. Thus, a visitor found his bachelor friendglumly studying an evening waistcoat. When inquiry was made, thisexplanation was forthcoming:

"It's quite too soiled to wear, but really, it's not dirty enough to goto the laundry. I can't make up my mind just what I should do about it. "

DRAMA

The new play was a failure. After the first act, many left the theatre;at the end of the second, most of the others started out. A cynicalcritic as he rose from his aisle seat raised a restraining hand. 

"Wait!" he commanded loudly. "Women and children first!"

DREAMS

The group of dwellers at the seaside was discussing the subject ofdreams and their significance. During a pause, one of the party turnedto a little girl who had sat listening intently, and asked:

"Do you believe that dreams come true?"

"Of course, they do, " the child replied firmly. "Last night I dreamedthat I went paddling--and I had!"

DRESS

"Oh, have you heard? Mrs. Blaunt died to-day while trying on a newdress. "

"How sad! What was it trimmed with?"

 * * *

The son of the house had been reading of an escaped lunatic. 

"How do they catch lunatics?" he asked. 

The father, who had just paid a number of bills, waxed sarcastic:

"With enormous straw hats, with little bits of ones, with silks andlaces and feathers and jewelry, and so on and so on. "

"I recall now, " the mother spoke up, "I used to wear things of that sortuntil I married you. "

DRINK

It was nine o'clock in the morning, but this particular passenger on theplatform of the trolley car still wore a much crumpled evening suit. 

As the car swung swiftly around a curve this riotous liver was joltedoff, and fell heavily on the cobble stones. The car stopped, and theconductor, running back, helped the unfortunate man to scramble to hisfeet. The bibulous passenger was severely shaken, but very dignified. 

"Collision?" he demanded. 

"No, " the conductor answered. 

"Off the track?" was the second inquiry. 

"No, " said the conductor again. 

"Well!" was the indignant rejoinder. "If I'd known that, I wouldn't havegot off. "

 * * *

The very convivial gentleman left his club happy, but somewhat dazed. Onhis homeward journey, made tackingly, he ran against the vertical ironrods that formed a circle of protection for the trunk of a tree growingby the curb. He made a tour around the barrier four times, carefullyholding to one rod until he had a firm grasp on the next. Then, at last, he halted and leaned despairingly against the rock to which he held, andcalled aloud for succor:

"Hellup! hellup! Somebody let me out!"

 * * *

The highly inebriated individual halted before a solitary tree, andregarded it as intently as he could, with the result that he saw twotrees. His attempt to pass between these resulted in a near-concussionof the brain. He reeled back, but presently sighted carefully, and triedagain, with the like result. When this had happened a half-dozen times, the unhappy man lifted up his voice and wept. 

"Lost--Lost!" he sobbed. "Hopelessly lost in an impenetrable forest!"

 * * *

The proprietor of the general store at the cross-roads had his placeoverrun by rats, and the damage was such that he offered a hundreddollars reward to anyone who would rid him of the pests. Adisreputable-appearing person turned up one morning, and announced thathe was a professional rat-killer. 

"Get to work, " the store-keeper urged. 

"I must have a pound of cheese, " the killer declared. 

When this had been provided:

"Now give me a quart of whiskey. "

Equipped with the whiskey, the professional spoke briskly:

"Now show me the cellar. "

An hour elapsed, and then the rat-catcher galloped up the cellar stairsand leaped into the store. His face was red, the eyes glaring, and heshook his fists in defiance of the world at large, as he jumped high inair and shouted:

"Whoopee! I'm ready! bring on your rats!"

 * * *

Two Southern gentlemen, who were of very convivial habits, chanced tomeet on the street at nine o'clock in the morning after an evening'srevel together. The major addressed the colonel with decorous solemnity:

"Colonel, how do you feel, suh?"

The colonel left nothing doubtful in the nature of his reply:

"Major, " he declared tartly, "I feel like thunder, suh, as any Southerngentleman should, suh, at this hour of the morning!"

 * * *

The old toper was asked if he had ever met a certain gentleman, alsonotorious for his bibulous habits. 

"Know him!" was the reply. "I should say I do! Why, I got him so drunkone night it took three hotel porters to put me to bed. "

 * * *

A farmer, who indulged in sprees, was observed in his Sunday clothesthrowing five bushels of corn on the ear into the pen where he kept halfa dozen hogs, and he was heard to mutter:

"Thar, blast ye! if ye're prudent, that orter last ye. "

 * * *

A mouse chanced on a pool of whiskey that was the result of a raid byprohibition-enforcement agents. The mouse had had no previousacquaintance with liquor, but now, being thirsty, it took a sip of thestrange fluid, and then retired into its hole to think. After somethought, it returned to the pool, and took a second sip of the whiskey. It then withdrew again to its hole, and thought. Presently, it issuedand drew near the pool for the third time. Now, it took a big drink. Nordid it retreat to its hole. Instead, it climbed on a soap box, stood onits hind legs, bristled its whiskers, and squeaked:

"Now, bring on your cat!"

 * * *

The owner of a hunting lodge in Scotland presented his gamekeeper with afur cap, of the sort having ear flaps. When at the lodge the followingyear, the gentleman asked the gamekeeper how he liked the cap. The oldman shook his head dolefully. 

"I've nae worn it since the accident. "

"What accident was that?" his employer demanded. "I've heard of none. "

"A mon offered me a dram, and I heard naething of it. "

 * * *

The old farmer was driving home from town, after having imbibed ratherfreely. In descending a hill, the horse stumbled and fell, and eithercould not, or would not, get to its feet again. At last, the farmerspoke savagely:

"Dang yer hide, git up thar--or I'll drive smack over ye!"

 * * *

Mrs. Smith addressed her neighbor, whose husband was notoriously brutal, and she spoke with a purr that was catty:

"You know, my dear, my husband is so indulgent!"

And the other woman retorted, quite as purringly:

"Oh, everybody knows that. What a pity he sometimes indulges too much!"

 * * *

In the days before prohibition, a bibulous person issued from a saloonin a state of melancholy intoxication, and outside the door heencountered a teetotaler friend. 

The friend exclaimed mournfully:

"Oh, John, I am so sorry to see you come out of such a place as that!"

The bibulous one wept sympathetically. 

"Then, " he declared huskily, "I'll go right back!" And he did. 

 * * *

When the Kentucky colonel was in the North, some one asked him if theKentuckians were in fact very bibulous. 

"No, suh, " the colonel declared. "I don't reckon they're mo' than adozen Bibles in the whole state. "

 * * *

The Irish gentleman encountered the lady who had been ill, and madegallant inquiries. 

"I almost died, " she explained. "I had ptomaine-poisoning. "

"And is it so?" the Irishman gushed. And he added in a burst ofconfidence: "What with that, ma'am, and delirium tremens, a body thesedays don't know what he dare eat or drink. "

DRUGGED

The police physician was called to examine an unconscious prisoner, whohad been arrested and brought to the station-house for drunkenness. After a short examination, the physician addressed the policeman who hadmade the arrest. 

"This fellow is not suffering from the effects of alcohol. He has beendrugged. "

The policeman was greatly disturbed, and spoke falteringly:

"I'm thinkin', ye're right, sor. I drugged him all the way to thestation. "

DUTY

The traveler was indignant at the slow speed of the train. He appealedto the conductor:

"Can't you go any faster than this?"

"Yes, " was the serene reply, "but I have to stay aboard. "

EASY LIVING

The Southerner in the North, while somewhat mellow, discoursedeloquently of conditions in his home state. He concluded in a burst offeeling:

"In that smiling land, suh, no gentleman is compelled to soil his handswith vulgar work. The preparing of the soil for the crops is done by ourniggers, suh, and the sowing of the crops, and the reaping of thecrops--all done by the niggers. . . . And the selling is done by thesheriff. "

ECONOMY

One Japanese bragged to another that he made a fan last twenty years byopening only a fourth section, and using this for five years, then thenext section, and so on. 

The other Japanese registered scorn. 

"Wasteful!" he ejaculated. "I was better taught. I make a fan last alifetime. I open it wide, and hold it under my nose quite motionless. Then I wave my head. "

 * * *

Wife:--"Women are not extravagant. A woman can dress smartly on a sumthat would keep a man looking shabby. "

Husband:--"That's right. What you dress on keeps me looking shabby. "

EFFICIENCY

In these days of difficulty in securing domestic servants, mistresseswill accept almost any sort of help, but there are limits. A womaninterrogated a husky girl in an employment office, who was a recentimportation from Lapland. The dialogue was as follows:

"Can you do fancy cooking?"

"Naw. "

"Can you do plain cooking?"

"Naw. "

"Can you sew?"

"Naw. "

"Can you do general housework?"

"Naw. "

"Make the beds, wash the dishes?"

"Naw. "

"Well, " cried the woman in puzzled exasperation, "what can you do?"

"I milk reindeer. "

 * * *

The undertaker regarded the deceased in the coffin with severedisapproval, for the wig persisted in slipping back and revealing aperfectly bald pate. He addressed the widow in that cheerfullymelancholy tone which is characteristic of undertakers during theirprofessional public performance. 

"Have you any glue?"

The widow wiped her eyes perfunctorily, and said that she had. 

"Shall I heat it?" she asked. The undertaker nodded gloomily, and therelic departed on her errand. Presently, she returned with the glue-pot. 

But the undertaker shook his head, and regarded her with the gently sadsmile to which undertakers are addicted, as he whispered solemnly:

"I found a tack. "

 * * *

An engineer, who was engaged on railroad construction in CentralAmerica, explained to one of the natives living alongside the right ofway the advantages that would come from realization of the projectedline. To illustrate his point, he put the question:

"How long does it take you to carry your produce to market by muleback?"

"Three days, _señor_, " was the answer. 

"Then, " said the engineer, "you can understand the benefit the road willbe to you. You will be able to take your produce to market, and toreturn home on the same day. "

"Very good, _señor_, " the native agreed courteously. 

"But, _señor_, what shall we do with the other two days?"

EGGS

The farmer decided to give special attention to the development of hispoultry yard, and he undertook the work carefully and systematically. His hired man, who had been with him for a number of years, wasinstructed, among other things, to write on each egg the date laid andthe breed of the hen. After a month, the hired man resigned. 

"I can't understand, " the farmer declared, surprised and pained, "whyyou should want to leave. "

"I'm through, " the hired man asserted. "I've done the nastiest jobs, an'never kicked. But I draw the line on bein' secretary to a bunch o'hens. "

EGOTISM

The pessimist spoke mournfully to his friend:

"It is only to me that such misfortunes happen. "

"What's the matter now?"

The pessimist answered dolefully:

"Don't you see that it is raining?"

ELEPHANT

A circus man was scouring the countryside in search of an elephant thathad escaped from the menagerie and wandered off. He inquired of anIrishman working in a field to learn if the fellow had seen any strangeanimal thereabouts. 

"Begorra, Oi hev thot!" was the vigorous answer. "There was aninju-rubber bull around here, pullin' carrots with its tail. "

ELOPEMENT

Some months after the elopement, an old friend met the bridegroom, andasked eagerly for details. 

"What about her father? Did he catch you?"

"Just that!" quoth the bridegroom grimly. "Incidentally, I may add thatthe old boy is living with us still. "

ENOUGH

The darky's clothes were in the last stages of dilapidation, and he woreopen work shoes, but his face was radiant, and he whistled merrily as heslouched along the street. A householder called from his porch:

"Sam, I have a job for you, if you want to earn a quarter. "

The tattered colored man grinned happily as he shook his head. 

"No, suh, thank yoh all de same, boss--I done got a quarter. "

EPITAPH

In an Irish cemetery stands a handsome monument with an inscriptionwhich runs thus:

"This monument is erected to the memory of James O'Flinn, who wasaccidentally shot by his brother as a mark of affection. "

EVIDENCE

The prisoner, a darky, explained how it came about that he had beenarrested for chicken-stealing:

"I didn't hab no trouble wiv de constable ner nobody. It would ab beenall right if it hadn't been fer the women's love o' dress. My womenfolks, dey wasn't satisfied jes' to eat mos' all o' them chickens. Deyhad to put de feathers in der hats, an' parade 'em as circumstantialevidence. "

 * * *

The smug satisfaction of the rustic in his clear perception and shrewdreasoning is illustrated by the dialogue between two farmers meeting onthe road. 

"Did you hear that old man Jones's house burned down last night?"

"I ain't a mite surprised. I was goin' past there in the evenin', an'when I saw the smoke a-comin' out all round under the eaves, I sez tomyself, sez I, 'Where there's smoke there must be fire. ' An' so it was!"

 * * *

"Shall I leave the hall light burning, ma'am?" the servant asked. 

"No, " her mistress replied. "I think my husband won't get home untildaylight. He kissed me goodbye before he went, and gave me twentydollars for a new hat. "

EXCLUSIVENESS

One of the New York churches is notorious for its exclusiveness. Acolored man took a fancy to the church, and promptly told the ministerthat he wished to join. The clergyman sought to evade the issue bysuggesting to the man that he reflect more carefully on the matter, andmake it the subject of prayers for guidance. The following day, thedarky encountered the minister. 

"Ah done prayed, sah, " he declared, beaming, "an' de Lawd he done sentme an answer las' night. "

"And what was it?" queried the clergyman, somewhat at a loss. "What didthe Lord say?"

"Well, sah, He done axed me what chu'ch Ah wanted to jine, an' Ah toleHim it was yourn. An' He says: 'Ho, ho, dat chu'ch!' says he. 'You can'tgit in dere. Ah know you can't--'cause Ah been tryin' to git in datchu'ch fer ten years mahself an' Ah couldn't!'"

EXPECTANCY

An Irishman on a scaffolding four stories high heard the noon whistle. But when he would have descended, he found that the ladder had beenremoved. One of his fellow workmen on the pavement below, to whom hecalled, explained that the foreman had carried off the ladder foranother job. 

"But how'll I get down?" Pat demanded. 

Mike, on the pavement, suggested jumping as the only means. Pat's lunchwas below, he was hungry, and he accepted the suggestion seriously. 

"Will yez kitch me?" he demanded. 

"Sure, an' I'll do that, " Mike agreed. 

Pat clapped his arms in imitation of a rooster, and crowed, to bolsterup his courage, and leaped. He regained consciousness after a shortinterval, and feebly sat up on the pavement. He regarded Mikereproachfully. 

"For why did yez not kitch me?" he asked, and the pain in bones soundedin his voice. 

"Begorry, " Mike replied sympathetically, "I was waiting for yez tobounce!"

EXPENSE ACCOUNT

The woman wrote a reference for her discharged cook as follows:

"Maggie Flynn has been employed by me for a month. She is an excellentcook, but I could not afford to make use of her services longer. "

The husband, who was present, afterward expressed his surprise at thefinal clause. 

"But it's true, " the wife answered. "The dishes she smashed cost doubleher wages. "

EXPERIENCE

The baby pulled brother's hair until he yelled from the pain of it. Themother soothed the weeping boy:

"Of course, she doesn't know how badly it hurts. " Then she left theroom. 

She hurried back presently on hearing frantic squalling from baby. 

"What in the world is the matter with her?" she questioned anxiously. 

"Nothin' 'tall, " brother replied contentedly. "Only now she knows. "

EXPERTS

There was a chicken-stealing case before the court. The colored culpritpleaded guilty and was duly sentenced. But the circumstances of the casehad provoked the curiosity of the judge, so that he questioned the darkyas to how he had managed to take those chickens and carry them off fromright under the window of the owner's house, and that with a savage dogloose in the yard. But the thief was not minded to explain. He said:

"Hit wouldn't be of no use, jedge, to try to 'splain dis ting toyou-all. Ef you was to try it you more'n like as not would git yer hidefull o' shot an' git no chickens, nuther. Ef you want to engage in anyrascality, jedge, you better stick to de bench, whar you am familiar. "

EXPLICITNESS

On her return home after an absence of a few hours, the mother wasdispleased to find that little Emma, who was ailing, had not taken herpill at the appointed time, although she had been carefully directed todo so. 

"You were very naughty, Emma, " the mother chided. "I told you to be sureand take that pill. "

"But, mamma, " the child pleaded in extenuation, "you didn't tell mewhere to take it to. "

EXTRAVAGANCE

A rich and listless lady patron examined the handbags in a leadingjeweler's shop in New York City. The clerk exhibited one bag five inchessquare, made of platinum and with one side almost covered with a settingof diamonds. This was offered at a price of $9, 000. 

But the lady surveyed the expensive bauble without enthusiasm. Sheturned it from side to side and over and over, regarding it with acritical eye and frowning disapprovingly. At last she voiced hercomment:

"Rather pretty, but I don't like this side without diamonds. Honestly, the thing looks skimpy--decidedly skimpy!"

For $7, 000 additional, the objectional skimpiness was corrected. 

FACTS

The burly man spoke lucidly to his gangling adversary:

"You're a nincompoop, a liar and hoss-thief. "

The other man protested, with a whine in his voice:

"Sech talk ain't nice--and, anyhow, 'tain't fair twittin' on facts. "

FASHION

After years of endeavor in poverty, the inventor made a success, andcame running home with pockets bulging real money. He joyously strewedthousand-dollar bills in his wife's lap, crying:

"Now, at last, my dear, you will be able to buy you some decentclothes. "

"I'll do nothing of the kind, " was the sharp retort. "I'll get the samekind the other women are wearing. "

 * * *

 "The naked hills lie wanton to the breeze, "The fields are nude, the groves unfrocked, "Bare are the shivering limbs of shameless trees, "What wonder is it that the corn is shocked?"

 But not the modern woman!

FAVORS

At the village store, the young farmer complained bitterly. 

"Old Si Durfee wants me to be one of the pall-bearers once more at hiswife's funeral. An' it's like this. Si had me fer pall-bearer when hisfirst wife was buried. An' then agin fer his second. An' when Elizadied, she as was his third, he up an' axed me agin. An' now, I snum, it's the fourth time. An' ye know, a feller can't be the hull timea-takin' favors, an' not payin' 'em back. "

FIGHTING

The boy hurried home to his father with an announcement:

"Me and Joe Peck had a fight to-day. "

The father nodded gravely. 

"Mr. Peck has already called to see me about it. "

The little boy's face brightened. 

"Gee, pop! I hope you made out 's well 's I did!"

FINANCE

A very black little girl made her way into the presence of the lady ofthe house, and with much embarrassment, but very clearly, explained whoshe was, and what her mission:

"Please, mum, I'se Ophelia. I'se de washerwoman's little girl, an' mama, she sent me to say, would you please to len' her a dime. She got to paysome bills. "

 * * *

The successful financier snorted contemptuously. 

"Money! pooh! there are a million ways of making money. "

"But only one honest way, " a listener declared. 

"What way is that?" the financier demanded. 

"Naturally, you wouldn't know, " was the answer. 

 * * *

The eminent financier was discoursing. 

"The true secret of success, " he said, "is to find out what the peoplewant. "

"And the next thing, " someone suggested, "is to give it to them. "

The financier shook his head contemptuously. 

"No--to corner it. "

 * * *

The eminent banker explained just how he started in business:

"I had nothing to do, and I rented an empty store, and put up a sign, _Bank_. As soon as I opened for business, a man dropped in, and made adeposit of two hundred dollars. The next day another man dropped in anddeposited three hundred dollars. And so, sir, the third day, myconfidence in the enterprise reached such a point that I put in fiftydollars of my own money. "

FINANCIERS

"My pa, he's a financier, " boasted one small boy to another. 

"'Tain't much to brag of, " the other sneered. "My pa an' uncle Jack arein jail, too. "

FISHING

The congressman from California was telling at dinner in the hotel oftuna fishing. 

"Just run out in a small motor boat, " he explained, "and anything lessthan a hundred pounds is poor sport. "

The colored waiter was so excited that he interrupted:

"You say you go after hundred-pound fish in a little motor boat, suh?"

The congressman nodded. 

"But, " the darky protested, "ain't you scairt fer fear you'll ketchone?"

FLATTERY

An eminent statesman was being driven rapidly by his chauffeur, when thecar struck and killed a dog that leaped in front of it. At thestatesman's order, the chauffeur stopped the car, and the great man gotout and hurried back to where a woman was standing by the remains. Thedead dog's mistress was deeply grieved, and more deeply angered. As thestatesman attempted to address her placatingly, she turned on himwrathfully, and told him just what she thought, which was considerableand by no means agreeable. When, at last, she paused for breath, theculprit tried again to soothe her, saying:

"Madam, I shall be glad to replace your dog. "

The woman drew herself up haughtily, surveyed the statesman with supremescorn, and hissed:

"Sir, you flatter yourself!"

FLEAS

The debutante was alarmed over the prospect of being taken in to dinnerby the distinguished statesman. 

"Whatever can we talk about?" she demanded anxiously of her mother. 

Afterward, in the drawing-room, she came to her mother with a radiantsmile. 

"He's fine, " she exclaimed. "We weren't half way through the soup beforewe were chatting cozily about the fleas in Italian hotels. "

FLIRTATION

The gentleman at the party, who was old enough to know better, turned toanother guest, who had just paused beside him:

"Women are fickle. See that pretty woman by the window? She was smilingat me flirtatiously a few minutes ago and now she looks cold as aniceberg. "

"I have only just arrived, " the other man said. "She is my wife. "

FLOOD

The breakfaster in the cheap restaurant tried to make conversation withthe man beside him at the counter. 

"Awful rainy spell--like the flood. "

"The flood?" The tone was polite, but inquiring. 

"_The_ flood--Noah, the Ark, Mount Ararat. "

The other bit off half a slice of bread, shook his head, and mumbledthickly:

"Hain't read to-day's paper yit. "

FLOWERS

Gilbert wrote a couplet concerning--

 "An attachment _à la_ Plato For a bashful young potato. "

Such suggestion is all very well in a humorous ballad, but we do notlook for anything of the sort in a serious romance of real life. Nevertheless, a Welsh newspaper of recent date carried the followingparagraph:

"At ---- Church, on Monday last, a very interesting wedding wassolemnized, the contracting parties being Mr. Richard ----, eldest sonof Mr. And Mrs. ----, and a bouquet of pink carnations. "

FOG

The old gentleman was lost in a London fog, so thick that he couldhardly see his hand before his face. He became seriously alarmed when hefound himself in a slimy alley. Then he heard footsteps approachingthrough the obscurity, and sighed with relief. 

"Where am I going to?" he cried anxiously. 

A voice replied weirdly from the darkness beyond:

"Into the river--I've just come out!"

FOLLIES

A wise old Quaker woman once said that men were guilty of three mostastonishing follies. The first was the climbing of trees to shake downthe fruit, when if they would but wait, the fruit would fall of itself. The second was the going to war to kill one another, when if they wouldonly wait, they must surely die naturally. The third was that theyshould run after women, when, if they did not do so, the women wouldsurely run after them. 

FOOD

The Arctic explorer at a reception on his return gave an informal talkconcerning his experiences. He explained that a point further northwould have been reached, if the dogs had not given out at a criticaltime. 

A lady, who had followed the explorer's remarks carefully, ventured acomment as the speaker paused:

"But I thought those Esquimaux dogs were actually tireless. "

The explorer hesitated, and cleared his throat before answering. 

"I spoke, " he elucidated, "in a--er--culinary sense. "

 * * *

The young mother asked the man who supplied her with milk if he kept anycalves, and smiled pleasedly when he said that he did. 

"Then, " she continued brightly, "bring me a pint of calf's milk everyday. I think cow's milk is too strong for baby. "

FOREHANDEDNESS

The highly efficient housewife bragged that she always rose early, andhad every bed in the house made before anybody else in the house was up. 

FORESIGHT

The master directed that the picture should be hung on the east wall;the mistress preferred the west wall. 

The servant drove the nail where his master directed, but when he wasleft alone in the room he drove a nail in the other wall. 

"That, " he said to himself, "will save my lugging the steps up hereagain to-morrow, when he has come around to agreeing with her. "

FORGETFULNESS

The foreman of a Southern mill, who was much troubled by theshiftlessness of his colored workers, called sharply to two of the menslouching past him. 

"Hi, you! where are you going?"

"Well, suh, boss, " one of them answered, "we is goin' to de mill widdis-heah plank. "

"Plank? What plank? Where's the plank?" the foreman demanded. 

The colored spokesman looked inquiringly and somewhat surprisedly at hisown empty hands and those of his companion, whom he addressedgood-naturedly:

"Now, if dat don't beat all, George! If we hain't gone an' cleanforgitted dat plank!"

 * * *

Two men met on the city street in the evening, and had a number ofdrinks together. The one who lived in the suburbs became confidential, and exhibited a string tied around a finger. 

"I don't dare to go home, " he explained. "There's something my wife toldme to do, without fail, and to make sure I wouldn't forget, she tiedthat string around my finger. But for the life of me I can't rememberwhat the thing was I am to do. And I don't dare to go home!"

A few days later the two men met again, this time in the afternoon. 

"Well, " the one asked, "did you finally remember what that string was toremind you of?"

The other showed great gloom in his expression, as he replied:

"I didn't go home until the next night, just because I was scared, andthen my wife told me what the string was for all right--she certainlydid!" There was a note of pain in his voice. "The string was to remindme to be sure to come home early. "

 * * *

The clergyman drew near to the baptismal font, and directed that thecandidates for baptism should now be presented. A woman in thecongregation gave a gasp of dismay and turned to her husband, whom sheaddressed in a strenuous whisper:

"There! I just knew we'd forget something. John, you run right home asfast as you can, and fetch the baby. "

FORM

The traveler wrote an indignant letter to the officials of the railroadcompany, giving full details as to why he had sat up in the smoking-roomall night, instead of sleeping in his berth. He received in reply aletter from the company, which was so courteous and logical that he wasgreatly soothed. His mood changed for the worse, however, when hehappened to glance at his own letter, which had been enclosed througherror. On the margin was jotted in pencil:

"Send this guy the bed-bug letter. "

 * * *

A worker in the steel mills applied direct to Mr. Carnegie for a holidayin which to get married. The magnate inquired interestedly concerningthe bride:

"Is she tall or short, slender or plump?"

The prospective bridegroom answered seriously:

"Well, sir, I'm free to say, that if I'd had the rollin' of her, I surewould have given her three or four more passes. "

FRAUD

The hired man on a New England farm went on his first trip to the city. He returned wearing a scarf pin set with at least four carats bulk ofradiance. The jewelry dazzled the rural belles, and excited the envy ofthe other young men. His employer bluntly asked if it was a realdiamond. 

"If it ain't, " was the answer, "I was skun out o' half a dollar. "

FRIENDSHIP

The kindly lady accosted the little boy on the beach, who stood withdowncast head, and grinding his toes into the sand and looking verymiserable and lonely indeed. 

"Haven't you anybody to play with?" she inquired sympathetically. 

The boy shook his head forlornly, as he explained:

"I have one friend--but I hate him!"

 * * *

The clergyman on his vacation wrote a long letter concerning histraveling experiences to be circulated among the members of thecongregation. The letter opened in this form:

"Dear Friends:

"I will not address you as ladies and gentlemen, because I know you sowell. "

FRENCH

An American tourist in France found that he had a two hours' wait forhis train at a junction, and set out to explore the neighborhood. Hediscovered at last that he was lost, and could not find his way back tothe station. He therefore addressed a passer-by in the best French hecould recollect from his college days, mispronouncing it with greatemphasis. He voiced his request for information as follows:

"Pardonnez-moi. J'ai quitté ma train et maintenant je ne sais pas où letrouver encore. Est-ce que vous pouvez me montrer le route à la train?"

"Let's look for it together, " said the stranger genially. "I don't speakFrench, either. "

FUSSINESS

The traveler in the Blue Ridge Mountains made his toilet as best hecould with the aid of the hand basin on its bench by the cabin door andthe roller towel. He made use of his own comb and brush, tooth-brush, nail-file and whiskbroom. The small son of the cabin regarded hisoperations with rounded eyes, and at last broke forth:

"By cricky, mister, I wantta know! Be ye allus thet much trouble toyerself?"

GENDER

It is quite possible to trap clergymen, as well as laymen, with thefollowing question, because they are not always learned in the OldTestament. 

"If David was the father of Solomon, and Joab was the son of Zeruiah, what relation was Zeruiah to Joab?"

Most persons give the answer that Zeruiah was the father of Joab, necessarily. That is not the correct answer. The trouble is that Zeruiahwas a woman. And, of course, David and Solomon having nothing whateverto do with the case. 

GENTLEMAN

There has been much controversy for years as to the proper definition ofthe much abused word "gentleman. " Finally, by a printer's error inprefixing _un_ to an adverb, an old and rather mushy description of agentleman has been given a novel twist and a pithy point. Acontributor's letter to a metropolitan daily appeared as follows:

"Sir--I can recall no better description of a gentleman than this--

"'A gentleman is one who never gives offense unintentionally. '"

GEOGRAPHY

The airman, after many hours of thick weather, had lost his bearingscompletely. Then it cleared and he was able to make a landing. Naturally, he was anxious to know in what part of the world he hadarrived. He put the question to the group of rustics that had promptlyassembled. The answer was explicit:

"You've come down in Deacon Peck's north medder lot. "

GHOSTS

There was a haunted house down South which was carefully avoided by allthe superstitious negroes. But a new arrival in the community, namedSam, bragged of his bravery as too superior to be shaken by any ghosts, and declared that, for the small sum of two dollars cash in hand paid, he would pass the night alone in the haunted house. A score of otherdarkies contributed, and the required amount was raised. It was not, however, to be delivered to the courageous Sam until his reappearanceafter the vigil. With this understanding the boaster betook himself tothe haunted house for the night. 

When a select committee sought for Sam next morning, no trace of him wasfound. Careful search for three days failed to discover the missingnegro. 

But on the fourth day Sam entered the village street, covered with mudand evidently worn with fatigue. 

"Hi, dar, nigger!" one of the bystanders shouted. "Whar you-all been delas' foh days?"

And Sam answered simply:

"Ah's been comin' back. "

GOD

The little boy was found by his mother with pencil and paper, making asketch. When asked what he was doing, he answered promptly, and withconsiderable pride:

"I'm drawing a picture of God. "

"But, " gasped the shocked mother, "you cannot do that. No one has seenGod. No one knows how God looks. "

"Well, " the little boy replied, complacently, "when I get through theywill. "

GOD'S WILL

The clergyman was calling, when the youthful son and heir approached hismother proudly, and exhibited a dead rat. As she shrank in repugnance, he attempted to reassure her:

"Oh, it's dead all right, mama. We beat it and beat it and beat it, andit's deader 'n dead. "

His eyes fell on the clergyman, and he felt that something more was dueto that reverend presence. So he continued in a tone of solemnity:

"Yes, we beat it and beat it until--until God called it home!"

GOLF

The eminent English Statesman Arbuthnot-Joyce plays golf so badly thathe prefers a solitary round with only the caddy present. He had a newboy one day recently, and played as wretchedly as usual. 

"I fancy I play the worst game in the world, " he confessed to the caddy. 

"Oh, I wouldn't say that, sir, " was the consoling response. "From whatthe boys were saying about another gentleman who plays here, he must beworse even than you are. "

"What's his name?" asked the statesman hopefully. 

And the caddy replied:

"Arbuthnot-Joyce. "

GRACE

The son and heir had just been confirmed. At the dinner table, followingthe church service, the father called on his son to say grace. The boywas greatly embarrassed by the demand. Moreover, he was tired, not onlyfrom the excitement of the special service through which he had passed, but also from walking to and from the church, four miles away, and, too, he was very hungry indeed and impatient to begin the meal. Despite hisprotest, however, the father insisted. 

So, at last, the little man folded his hands with a pious air, closedhis eyes tight, bent his head reverently, and spoke his prayer:

"O Lord, have mercy on these victuals. Amen!"

 * * *

The new clergyman in the country parish, during his visit to an old ladyof his flock, inquired if she accepted the doctrine of Falling fromGrace. The good woman nodded vigorously. 

"Yes, sir, " she declared with pious zeal, "I believe in it, and, praisethe Lord! I practise it!"

GRAMMAR

The passing lady mistakenly supposed that the woman shouting from awindow down the street was calling to the little girl minding babybrother close by on the curb. 

"Your mother is calling you, " she said kindly. 

The little girl corrected the lady:

"Her ain't a-callin' we. Us don't belong to she. "

 * * *

The teacher asked the little girl if she was going to the Maypole dance. "No, I ain't going, " was the reply. 

The teacher corrected the child:

"You must not say, 'I ain't going, ' you must say, 'I am not going. '"And she added to impress the point: "I am not going. He is not going. Weare not going. You are not going. They are not going. Now, dear, can yousay all that?"

The little girl nodded and smiled brightly. 

"Sure!" she replied. "They ain't nobody going. "

 * * *

The witness, in answer to the lawyer's question, said:

"Them hain't the boots what was stole. "

The judge rebuked the witness sternly:

"Speak grammatic, young man--speak grammatic! You shouldn't ought tosay, 'them boots what was stole, ' you should ought to say, 'them bootsas was stealed. '"

GRASS

The auctioneer, offering the pasture lot for sale, waved his handenthusiastically, pointed toward the rich expanse of herbage, andshouted:

"Now, then, how much am I offered for this field? Jest look at thatgrass, gentlemen. That's exactly the sort of grass Nebuchadnezzar wouldhave given two hundred dollars an acre for. "

GREED

An eminent doctor successfully attended a sick child. A few days later, the grateful mother called on the physician. After expressing herrealization of the fact that his services had been of a sort that couldnot be fully paid for, she continued:

"But I hope you will accept as a token from me this purse which I myselfhave embroidered. "

The physician replied very coldly to the effect that the fees of thephysician must be paid in money, not merely in gratitude, and he added:

"Presents maintain friendship: they do not maintain a family. "

"What is your fee?" the woman inquired. 

"Two hundred dollars, " was the answer. 

The woman opened the purse, and took from it five $100 bills. She putback three, handed two to the discomfited physician, then took herdeparture. 

GRIEF

At the wake, the bereaved husband displayed all the evidences of franticgrief. He cried aloud heart-rendingly, and tore his hair. The othermourners had to restrain him from leaping into the open coffin. 

The next day, a friend who had been at the wake encountered the widoweron the street and spoke sympathetically of the great woe displayed bythe man. 

"Did you go to the cemetery for the burying?" the stricken husbandinquired anxiously, and when he was answered in the negative, continuedproudly: "It's a pity ye weren't there. Ye ought to have seen the way Icut up. "

 * * *

The old woman in indigent circumstances was explaining to a visitor, whofound her at breakfast, a long category of trials and tribulations. 

"And, " she concluded, "this very morning, I woke up at four o'clock, andcried and cried till breakfast time, and as soon as I finish my tea I'llbegin again, and probably keep it up all day. "

HABIT

It was the bridegroom's third matrimonial undertaking, and the bride'ssecond. When the clergyman on whom they had called for the ceremonyentered the parlor, he found the couple comfortably seated. They made noeffort to rise, so, as he opened the book to begin the service, hedirected them, "Please, stand up. "

The bridegroom looked at the bride, and the bride stared back at him, and then both regarded the clergyman, while the man voiced theirdecision in a tone that was quite polite, but very firm:

"We have ginerally sot. "

 * * *

It is a matter of common knowledge that there have been troublous timesin Ireland before those of the present. In the days of the Land League, an Irish Judge told as true of an experience while he was holding courtin one of the turbulent sections. When the jury entered the court-roomat the beginning of the session, the bailiff directed them to take theiraccustomed places. . . . And every man of them walked forward into thedock. 

HAIR

The school girl from Avenue A, who had just learned that the notoriousGorgon sisters had snakes for hair, chewed her gum thoughtfully as shecommented:

"Tough luck to have to get out and grab a mess of snakes any time youwant an extry puff. "

HARD TO PLEASE

The rather ferocious-appearing husband who had taken his wife to thebeach for a holiday scowled heavily at an amateur photographer, andrumbled in a threatening bass voice:

"What the blazes d'ye mean, photographin' my wife? I saw ye when ye doneit. "

The man addressed cringed, and replied placatingly:

"You're mistaken, really! I wouldn't think of doing such a thing. "

"Ye wouldn't, eh?" the surly husband growled, still more savagely. "Andwhy not? I'd like to know. She's the handsomest woman on the beach. "

HASTE

The colored man was condemned to be hanged, and was awaiting the timeset for execution in a Mississippi jail. Since all other efforts hadfailed him, he addressed a letter to the governor, with a plea forexecutive clemency. The opening paragraph left no doubt as to hisurgent need:

"Dear Boss: The white folks is got me in dis jail fixin' to hang me onFriday mornin' and here it is Wednesday already. "

HEARSAY

The convicted feudist was working for a pardon. It was reported to himthat the opposing clan was pulling wires against him, and spreadingfalse reports concerning him. He thereupon wrote a brief missive to thegovernor:

"Deer guvner, if youve heared wat ive heared youve heared youve heared alie. "

HEAVEN

The clergyman in the following story probably did not mean exactly whathe said, though, human nature being what it is, maybe it was trueenough. 

A parishioner meeting the parson in the street inquired:

"When do you expect to see Deacon Jones again?"

"Never, never again!" the minister declared solemnly. "The deacon is inheaven!"

HELP

The farmer found his new hired man very unsatisfactory. A neighbor whochanced along inquired:

"How's that new hand o' your'n?"

"Cuss the critter!" was the bitter reply. "He ain't a hand--he's a sorethumb. "

 * * *

A savage old boar got into a garden, and was doing much damage. When twomen tried to drive it out, the animal charged. One of the two climbed atree, the other dodged, and laid hold on the boar's tail. He hung ondesperately, and man and beast raced wildly round and round the tree. Finally, the man shouted between gasps:

"For heaven's sake, Bill, climb down here, and help me leggo this orneryold hog!"

HELPFULNESS

Many a mayor is a friend to the people--just like his honor in thefollowing story. 

A taxpayer entered the office of the water registrar in a small city, and explained himself and his business there as follows:

"My name is O'Rafferty. And my cellar is full of wather, and my hinswill all be drowned intirely if it ain't fixed. And I'm here to informyez that I'm wantin' it fixed. "

It was explained to the complainant that the remedy for his need must besought at the office of the mayor, and he therefore departed tointerview that official. 

After an interval of a few days, O'Rafferty made a second visit to theoffice of the registrar. 

"Sure, and I've come agin to tell yez that my cellar is now fuller ofwater than ever it was before. And I'm tellin' yez that I want it fixed, and I'm a man that carries votes in my pocket. "

The registrar again explained that he was powerless in the matter, andthat the only recourse must be to the mayor. 

"The mayor is ut!" O'Rafferty snorted. "Sure and didn't I see the mayor?I did thot! And what did the mayor say to me? Huh! he said, 'Mr. O'Rafferty, why don't you keep ducks?'"

HEN

The customer asked for fresh eggs, and the clerk in the London shopsaid:

"Them are fresh which has a hen on 'em. "

"But I don't see any hen. "

The clerk explained patiently. 

"Not the fowl, mum, but the letter _hen_. _Hen_ stands for _noo-laid_. "

HEREAFTER

This is the dialogue between a little girl and a little boy:

"What are you bawling about, Jimmie?"

"I'm cryin' because maw has wented to heaven. "

"That's silly. Maybe she hain't. "

 * * *

Little Alice questioned her mother concerning heaven, and seemed pleasedto be assured that she would have wings and harp and crown. 

"And candy, too, mamma?"

The mother shook her head. 

"Anyhow, " Alice declared, "I'm tickled we have such a fine doctor. "

HEREDITY

The woman, who had a turn-up nose and was somewhat self-consciousconcerning it, bought a new pug dog, and petted it so fondly as toexcite the jealousy of her little daughter. 

"How do you like your new little brother?" she asked the childteasingly. 

The girl replied, rather maliciously, perhaps:

"He looks just like his muvver. "

HIGH PRICES

Two men were talking together in the Public Library. One of them said:

"The dime novel has gone. I wonder where it's gone to?"

The other, who knew something of literature in its various phases, answered cynically:

"It's gone up to a dollar and ninety cents. "

HINDSIGHT

Mike, the hod-carrier, was still somewhat fuddled when he arose Mondaymorning, with the result that he put on his overalls wrong side to; withthe further result, that he was careless while mounting the ladder laterwith a load of bricks, and fell to the ground. As he raised himself intoa sitting position, a fellow workman asked solicitously:

"Are yez kilt intoirly, Mike?"

Mike, with drooping head, stared down dully at the seat of his overalls, and shook his head. 

"No, " he declared in a tone of awe, "I'm not kilt, but I'm terribletwisted. "

 * * *

A rustic visitor to the city made a desperate run for the ferry boat asit was leaving the slip. He made a mighty leap, and covered theintervening space, then fell sprawling to the deck, where he lay stunnedfor about two minutes. At last he sat up feebly, and stared dazedly overthe wide expanse of water between boat and shore. 

"Holy hop-toads!" he exclaimed in a tone of profound awe. "What a jump!"

HINTING

A Kansas editor hit on the following gentle device for dunningdelinquent subscribers to the paper:

"There i$ a little matter that $ome of our $ub$criber$ have $eeminglyforgotten entirely. $ome of them have made u$ many promi$e$, but havenot kept them. To u$ it i$ a very important matter--it'$ nece$$ary inour bu$me$$. We are very mode$t and don't like to $peak about $uchremi$$ne$$. "

HISTORY

The faculty were arranging the order of examinations. It was agreed thatthe harder subjects should be placed first in the list. It was proposedthat history should have the final place. The woman teacher of thatsubject protested:

"But it is certainly one of the easiest subjects, " the head of thefaculty declared. 

The young woman shook her head, and spoke firmly:

"Not the way I teach it. Indeed, according to my method, it is a verydifficult study, and most perplexing. "

 * * *

Down in Virginia, near Yorktown, lived an aged negro whose proud boastwas that he had been the body servant of George Washington. As he wasvery old indeed, no one could disprove his claims, and he made the mostof his historical pretentions. He was full of anecdotes concerning theFather of His Country, and exploited himself in every tale. His favoritenarrative was of the capture of Lord Cornwallis by his master, which wasas follows:

"Yassuh, it were right on dis yere road, jest over dar by de fo'ks. Gen'l Washin'ton, he knowed dat ole Co'nwallis, he gwine pass dis way, an' 'im an' me, we done hid behin' de bushes an' watched. Yassuh, an'when ole Co'nwallis, he come by, Gen'l Washin'ton, he jumped out at 'im, an' he grab 'im by de collah, an' he say, 'Yoh blame' ole rascal, dat detime what Ah done gone cotch ye!"

HOGS

The professor and his wife were doubtful about returning to the farm onwhich they had passed the previous summer, because they had beensomewhat annoyed by the proximity of the pigsty to the house. Finally, the professor wrote to the farmer and explained the objectionablefeature. He received the following reply:

"We hain't had no hogs on the place since you was here last summer. Besure to come. "

HOLDING HIS OWN

The farmer, after seven years of effort on the stony farm, announced toall and sundry:

"Anyhow, I'm holdin' my own. I hadn't nothin' when I come here, an' Ihaven't nothin' now. "

HOME BREW

The young man had offered his heart and hand to the fair damsel. 

"Before giving you my decision, " she said sweetly, "I wish to ask you aquestion. " Then, as he nodded assent: "Do you drink anything?"

The young man replied without an instant of hesitation and proudly:

"Anything!"

And she fell into his arms. 

HOMESICKNESS

One of our volunteers in the late war lost some of his first enthusiasmunder the bitter experience of campaigning. One night at the front inFrance, while his company was stationed in a wood, a lieutenantdiscovered the recruit sitting on a log and weeping bitterly. Theofficer spoke roughly:

"Now, what are you bawling about, you big baby?"

"I wish I was in my daddy's barn!" replied the soldier in a plaintivevoice. 

"In your daddy's barn!" the astonished lieutenant exclaimed. "What for?What would you do if you were in your daddy's barn?"

"If I was in my daddy's barn, " the youth explained huskily through achoking sob, "I'd go into the house mighty quick!"

HONEYMOON

The newly married pair were stopping in a hotel. The bride left thegroom in their room while she went out on a brief shopping expedition. She returned in due time, and passed along the hotel corridor to thedoor, on which she tapped daintily. 

"I'm back, honey--let me in, " she murmured with wishful tenderness. Butthere was no answer vouchsafed to her plea. She knocked a little morefirmly, and raised her voice somewhat to call again:

"Honey, honey--it's Susie! Let me in!"

Thereupon a very cold masculine voice sounded through the door:

"Madam, this is not a beehive; it's a bathroom!"

HONORABLE INTENTIONS

A certain man notorious for his slowness paid attention for two years toa young lady, without coming to the point. The girl's father thought ittime for him to interfere. On the swain's next visit, the fatherinterviewed him:

"Clinton, you've been settin' up with Nellie, an' takin' her to picnics, an' to church an' buggy-ridin', an' nothin's come of it. So, now, Clinton, I ask you, as man to man, what be your intentions?"

And Clinton responded unabashed:

"Well, answerin' you as man to man, I'll say there hain't no cause foryou to ruffle your shirt. My intentions is honorable--but remote. "

HOSPITAL

Little Mary, who had fallen ill, begged for a kitten. It was found thatan operation was necessary for the child's cure, and that she must goto the hospital. The mother promised that if she would be very braveduring this time of trial she should have the very finest kitten to befound. 

As Mary was coming out from the influence of the anesthetic, the nurseheard her muttering, and stooping, heard these words:

"It's a bum way to get a cat. "

HOSPITALITY

The good wife apologized to her unexpected guests for serving the applepie without cheese. The little boy of the family slipped quietly awayfrom the table for a moment, and returned with a cube of cheese, whichhe laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled in recognition of thelad's thoughtfulness, popped the cheese into his mouth, and thenremarked:

"You must have sharper eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you findit?"

The boy replied with a flush of pride:

"In the rat-trap. "

HUMBUG

Two boys once thought to play a trick on Charles Darwin. They took thebody of a centipede, the wings of a butterfly, the legs of a grasshopperand the head of a beetle, and glued these together to form a weirdmonster. With the composite creature in a box, they visited Darwin. 

"Please, sir, will you tell us what sort of a bug this is?" thespokesman asked. 

The naturalist gave a short glance at the exhibit and a long glance atthe boys. 

"Did it hum?" he inquired solemnly. 

The boys replied enthusiastically, in one voice:

"Oh, yes, sir. "

"Well, then, " Darwin declared, "it is a humbug. "

HUMIDITY

The little boy had been warned repeatedly against playing on the lawnwhen it was damp. Saturday evening, his father heard him recite aScripture verse learned for the Sunday school. 

"'Put off thy shoes from they feet, for the ground whereon thou standestis----'" He halted at a loss. 

"Is what, my boy?" asked the father. 

"Is damp. "

HUMILITY

The slow suitor asked:

"Elizabeth, would you like to have a puppy?"

"Oh, Edward, " the girl gushed, "how delightfully humble of you. Yes, dearest, I accept. "

HUNGER

"That woman never turns away a hungry man. "

"Ah, genuinely charitable!"

"Hardly that. She says, 'Are you so hungry you want to saw some wood fora dinner?' And the answer is, 'No. '"

HUNTING

An amateur sportsman spent the day with dog and gun, but brought home nogame. A friend twitted him with his failure:

"Didn't you shoot anything at all?"

The honest fellow nodded miserably. 

"I shot my dog. "

"Why?" his questioner demanded. "Was he mad?"

The sportsman shook his head doubtfully. 

"Not exactly mad, " he asserted; "and not so darned tickled neither!"

IDENTITY

The paying teller told mournfully of his experience with a strange womanwho appeared at his wicket to have a check cashed. 

"But, madam, " he advised her, "you will have to get some one tointroduce you before I can pay you the money on this check. "

The woman stared at him disdainfully. 

"Sir!" she said haughtily. "I wish you to understand that I am herestrictly on business. I am not making a social call. I do not care toknow you. "

IDIOMS

The foreigner, who prided himself on his mastery of colloquialexpressions in English, was speaking of the serious illness of adistinguished statesman. 

"It would be a great pity, " he declared, "if such a splendid man shouldkick the ghost. "

 * * *

The old man told how his brother made a hazardous descent into a well bystanding in the bucket while those above operated the windlass. 

"And what happened?" one of the listeners asked as the aged narratorpaused. 

The old man stroked his beard, and spoke softly, in a tone of sorrowingreminiscence:

"He kicked the bucket. "

ILLUSTRATION

Pat was set to work with the circular saw during his first day at thesaw mill. The foreman gave careful instructions how to guard againstinjury, but no sooner was his back turned than he heard a howl from thenovice, and, on turning, he saw that Pat had already lost a finger. 

"Now, how did that happen?" the foreman demanded. 

"Sure, " was the explanation, "I was jist doin' like thiswhen, --bejabers, there's another gone!"

IMPATIENCE

An acquaintance encountered in the village inquired of Farmer Jonesconcerning his wife, who was seriously ill. That worthy scowled andspat, and finally answered in a tone of fretful dejection:

"Seems like Elmiry's falin' drefful slow. Dinged if I don't wish as howshe'd git well, or somethin'. "

IMPUDENCE

The ice on the river was in perfect condition. A small boy, with hisskates on his arm, knocked at the door of the Civil War veteran, who hadlost a leg at Antietam. When the door was opened by the old man, the boyasked:

"Are you going out to-day, sir?"

"Well, no, I guess not, sonny, " was the answer. "Why?"

"If you ain't, " the boy suggested, "I thought I might like to borrowyour wooden leg to play hockey. "

INDIRECTION

The bashful suitor finally nerved himself to the supreme effort:

"Er--Jenny, do you--think--er--your mother might--er--seriouslyconsider--er--becoming my--er-mother-in-law?"

INHERITANCE

A lawyer made his way to the edge of the excavation where a gang wasworking, and called the name of Timothy O'Toole. 

"Who's wantin' me?" inquired a heavy voice. 

"Mr. O'Toole, " the lawyer asked, "did you come from Castlebar, CountyMayo?"

"I did that. "

"And your mother was named Bridget and your father Michael?"

"They was. "

"It is my duty, then, " said the lawyer, "to inform you, Mr. O'Toole, that your Aunt Mary has died in Iowa, leaving you an estate of sixtythousand dollars. "

There was a short silence below, and then a lively commotion. 

"Are you coming, Mr. O'Toole?" the lawyer called down. 

"In wan minute, " was bellowed in answer. "I've just stopped to lick theforeman. "

It required just six months of extremely riotous living for O'Toole toexpend all of the sixty thousand dollars. His chief endeavor was tosatisfy a huge inherited thirst. 

Then he went back to his job. And there, presently, the lawyer soughthim out again. 

"It's your Uncle Patrick, this time, Mr. O'Toole, " the lawyer explained. "He has died in Texas, and left you forty thousand dollars. "

O'Toole leaned heavily on his pick, and shook his head in greatweariness. 

"I don't think I can take it, " he declared. "I'm not as strong as Iwance was, and I misdoubt me that I could go through all that money andlive. "

 * * *

In a London theatre, a tragedy was being played. The aged king totteredto and fro on the stage as he declaimed:

"On which one of my two sons shall I bestow the crown?"

A voice came down from the gallery:

"Hi saye, guv'nor, myke it 'arf a crown apiece. "

 * * *

Said one Tommy to another:

"That's a snortin' pipe, Bill. Where'd you happen on it?"

"It was pussonal property of a Boche what tried to take me prisoner, "was the answer. "Inherited it from him. "

INITIATIVE

The sweet little girl had a violent tussle with her particular chum. Hermother reprimanded her, and concluded by saying:

"It was Satan who suggested to you the pulling of Jenny's hair. "

"I shouldn't be surprised, " the child replied musingly. "But, " she addedproudly, "kicking her in the shins was entirely my own idea. "

INJUSTICE

The child sat by the road bawling loudly. A passer-by asked him what wasthe matter. 

"My ma, she's gone and drowned the kittens, " the boy wailed. 

"Oh, isn't that too bad!" was the sympathetic response. 

The child bawled the louder. 

"An' ma she promised me that I could drown 'em. "

INNOCENCE

A little girl four years old was alone in the nursery with the doorclosed and fastened when her little brother arrived and expressed adesire to come in. The following was the dialogue:

"I wants to tum in, Sissy. "

"But you tan't tum in, Tom. "

"But I wants to. "

"Well, I'se in my nightie gown an' nurse says little boys mus'n't seelittle girls in their nightie gowns. "

There was a period of silence during which the astonished little boyreflected on the mystery. It was ended by Sissy's calling out:

"You tan tum in now, Tom--I tooked it off. "

 * * *

The very young clergyman made his first parochial call. He tried toadmire the baby, and asked how old it was. 

"Just ten weeks old, " the proud mother replied. 

And the very young clergyman inquired interestedly:

"And is it your youngest?"

INQUISITIVENESS

In the smoking car, one of the passengers had an empty coatsleeve. Thesharer of his seat was of an inquisitive turn, and after a vain effortto restrain his curiosity, finally hemmed and hawed, and said:

"I beg pardon, sir, but I see you've lost an arm. "

The one-armed man picked up the empty sleeve in his remaining hand, andfelt of it with every evidence of astonishment. 

"Bless my soul!" he exclaimed. "I do believe you're right. "

 * * *

The curiosity of the passenger was excited by the fact that his seatmatehad his right arm in a sling, and the following dialogue occurred:

"You broke your arm, didn't you?"

"Well, yes, I did. "

"Had an accident, I suppose?"

"Not exactly. I did it in trying to pat myself on the back. "

"My land! On the back! Now, whatever did you want to pat yourself on theback for?"

"Just for minding my own business. "

INSOMNIA

The man suffering from insomnia quite often makes a mistake in callingthe doctor, when what he needs is the preacher. 

INSULT

The young wife greeted her husband tearfully on his return from theday's work. 

"Oh, Willie, darling, " she gasped, "I have been so insulted!"

"Insulted!" Willie exclaimed wrathfully. "Insulted by whom?"

"By your mother!" the wife declared, and sobbed aloud. 

The husband was aghast, but inclined to be skeptical. 

"By my mother, Ella? Why, dearest, that's nonsense. She's a hundredmiles away. "

"But she did, " the wife insisted. "A letter came to you this morning, and it was addressed in your mother's writing, so, of course, I openedit. "

"Oh, yes, of course, " Willie agreed, without any enthusiasm. 

"And it was written to you all the whole way through, every word of it, except----"

"Except what?"

"Except the postscript, " the wife flared. "That was the insult--that wasto me. " The tears flowed again. "It said: 'P. S. --Dear Ella, don't failto give this letter to Willie. I want him to read it. '"

 * * *

Tom Corwin was remarkable for the size of his mouth. He claimed that hehad been insulted by a deacon of his church. 

"When I stood up in the class meeting, to relate my experience, " Corwinexplained, "and opened my mouth, the Deacon rose up in front and said, 'Will some brother please close that window, and keep it closed!'"

INSURANCE

The woman at the insurance office inquired as to the costs, amountspaid, etc. 

"So, " she concluded, "if I pay five dollars, you pay me a thousand if myhouse burns down. But do you ask questions about how the fire came tostart?"

"We make careful investigation, of course, " the agent replied. 

The woman flounced toward the door disgustedly. 

"Just as I thought, " she called over her shoulder. "I knew there was acatch in it. "

INTERMISSION

During a lecture, Artemas Ward once startled the crowd of listeners byannouncing a fifteen-minute intermission. After contemplating theaudience for a few minutes, he relieved their bewilderment by saying:

"Meanwhile, in order to pass the time, we will proceed with thelecture. "

INVENTORS

The profiteer, skimming over the advertisements in his morning paper, looked across the damask and silver and cut glass at his wife, andremarked enviously:

"These inventors make the money. Take cleaners, now, I'll bet thatfeller Vacuum has cleared millions. "

ITEMS

The painter was required to render an itemized bill for his repairs onvarious pictures in a convent. The statement was as follows:

 Corrected and renewed the Ten Commandments 6. 00 Embellished Pontius Pilate and put a new ribbon on his bonnet 3. 06 Put a new tail on the rooster of St. Peter and mended his bill 4. 08 Put a new nose on St. John the Baptist and straightened his eye 2. 06 Replumed and gilded the left wing of the Guardian Angel 5. 06 Washed the servant of the High Priest and put carmine on his cheeks 2. 04 Renewed Heaven, adjusted ten stars, gilded the sun and cleaned the moon 8. 02 Reanimated the flames of Purgatory and restored some souls 3. 06 Revived the flames of Hell, put a new tail on the devil, mended his left hoof and did several odd jobs for the damned 4. 10 Put new spatter-dashes on the son of Tobias and dressing on his sack 2. 00 Rebordered the robe of Herod and readjusted his wig 3. 07 Cleaned the ears of Balaam's ass, and shod him 2. 08 Put earrings in the ears of Sarah 5. 00 Put a new stone in David's sling, enlarged Goliath's hand and extended his legs 2. 00 Decorated Noah's Ark 1. 20 Mended the shirt of the Prodigal Son, and cleaned the pigs 1. 00 ----- 53. 83

JOKES

The joke maker's association had a feast. They exploited their humorousabilities, and all made merry, save one glum guest. At last, theyinsisted that this melancholy person should contribute to theentertainment. He consented, in response to much urging, to offer aconundrum:

"What is the difference between me and a turkey?"

When none could guess the answer, the glum individual explained:

"I am alive. They stuff turkeys with chestnuts after they are dead. "

KINSHIP

The urchin was highly excited, and well he might be when we consider hisexplanation:

"They got twins up to sisters. One twin, he's a boy, an' one twin, she'sa girl, an' so I'm a uncle an' a aunt. "

 * * *

The Southern lady interrogated her colored cook, Matilda, concerning araid made on the chicken-house during the night. 

"You sleep right close to the chicken-house, Matilda, and it seems to meyou must have heard the noise when those thieves were stealing thechickens. "

"Yes, ma'am, " Matilda admitted, with an expression of grief on her duskyfeatures. "I heerd de chickens holler, an' I heerd the voices ob demen. "

"Then why didn't you go out and stop them?" the mistress demanded. 

Matilda wept. 

"Case, ma'am, " she exclaimed, "I know'd my old fadder was dar, an' Iwouldn't hab him know I'se los' confidence in him foh all de chickens inde world. If I had gone out dar an' kotched him, it would have broke hisole heart, an', besides, he would hab made me tote de chickens home fohhim. "

KISSES

The bridegroom, who was in a horribly nervous condition, appealed to theclergyman in a loud whisper, at the close of the ceremony:

"Is it kisstomary to cuss the bride?"

The clergyman might have replied:

"Not yet, but soon. "

 * * *

The young man addressed the old grouch:

"When a fellow has taken a girl to a show, and fed her candy, and givenher supper, and taken her home in a taxi, shouldn't she let a fellowkiss her good-night?"

The old grouch snorted. 

"Humph! He's already done more than enough for her. "

KISSING

The subject of kissing was debated with much earnestness for a half hourbetween the girl and her young man caller. The fellow insisted that itwas always possible for a man to kiss a girl at will, whether she choseto permit it or not. The maiden was firm in maintaining that such wasnot the case. Finally, it was decided that the only solution of thequestion must be by a practical demonstration one way or the other. So, they tried it. They clinched, and the battle was on. After a livelytussle, they broke away. The girl had been kissed--ardently for a periodof minutes. Her comment showed an undaunted spirit:

"Oh, well, you really didn't win fair. My foot slipped. . . . Let's try itagain. "

 * * *

The tiny boy fell down and bumped his head. His Uncle Bill picked thechild up, with the remark:

"Now I'll kiss it, and the pain will all be gone. "

The youngster recovered his smiles under the treatment, and then, as hewas set down, addressed his uncle eagerly:

"Come down in the kitchen--the cook has the toothache. "

 * * *

Some Scottish deacons were famous, if not notorious, for the readinesswith which they could expound any passage of Scripture. It is recordedof a certain elder that as he read and commented on the thirty-fourthPsalm, he misread the sentence, "Keep thy tongue from evil, and thy lipsfrom speaking guile. " He carelessly read the last two words: "squeakinggirls. " But the astonishing phrase did not dismay him in the least, orcause him to hesitate in his exegesis. He expounded instantly andsolemnly:

"It is evident from this passage, my brethren, that the Scripture doesnot absolutely forbid kissing, but, as in Christianity everything is tobe done decently and in order, we are here encouraged by this passage tochoose rather those girls that take it quietly, in preference to thosethat squeak under the operation. "

LAUGHTER

Josh Billings said:

"Laff every time yu pheel tickled--and laff once in a while enny how. "

LAW

The lawyer explained to the client his scale of prices:

"I charge five dollars for advising you as to just what the law permitsyou to do. For giving you advice as to the way you can safely do whatthe law forbids, my minimum fee is one hundred dollars. "

LAWYERS

There was a town jail, and there was a county jail. The fact was worthforty dollars to the lawyer who was approached by an old darky in behalfof a son languishing in duress. The lawyer surveyed the tattered clientas he listened, and decided that he would be lucky to obtain aten-dollar fee. He named that amount as necessary to secure theprisoner's release. Thereupon, the old colored man drew forth a largeroll of bills, and peeled off a ten. The lawyer's greedy eyes popped. 

"What jail is your son in?" he inquired craftily. 

"In the county jail. "

"In the county jail!" was the exclamation in a tone of dismay. "That'sbad--very bad. It will cost you at least fifty dollars. "

 * * *

Some physicians direct their patients to lie always on the right side, declaring that it is injurious to the health to lie on both sides. Yet, lawyers as a class enjoy good health. 

LEGERDEMAIN

"What did you do last night?"

"I went to a slight-of-hand performance. Called on Laura Sears, andoffered her my hand, and she slighted it. "

LENT

"Did you give up anything during Lent?" one man asked another. 

"Yes, " was the reply, uttered with a heavy sigh. "I gave up fiftydollars for a new Easter bonnet. "

LIARS

The World War has incited veterans of the Civil War to new reminiscencesof old happenings. One of these is based on the fact that furloughs wereespecially difficult to obtain when the Union army was in front ofPetersburg, Virginia. But a certain Irishman was resolved to get afurlough in spite of the ban. He went to the colonel's tent, and waspermitted to enter. He saluted, and delivered himself thus:

"Colonel, I've come to ax you to allow me the pleasure of a furlough fora visit home. I've been in the field now three years, an' never home yetto see me family. An' I jest had a letter from me wife wantin' av me tocome home to see her an' the children. "

The colonel shook his head decisively. 

"No, Mike, " he replied. "I'm sorry, but to tell the truth, I don't thinkyou ought to go home. I've jest had a letter from your wife myself. Shedoesn't want you to come home. She writes me that you'd only get drunk, and disgrace her and the children. So you'd better stay right here untilyour term of service expires. "

"All right, sir, " Mike answered, quite cheerfully. He saluted and wentto the door of the tent. Then he faced about. 

"Colonel dear, " he inquired in a wheedling voice, "would ye be afterpardonin' me for a brief remark jist at this toime?"

"Yes, certainly, " the officer assented. 

"Ye won't git mad an' put me in the guard house for freein' me mind, soto spake?"

"No, indeed! Say what you wish to. "

"Well, thin, Colonel darlint, I'm afther thinkin' thar are at theprisint moment in this tint two of the biggest liars in all the Army ofthe Potomic, an' sure I'm one av thim--I have no wife. "

LIES

A certain famous preacher when preaching one Sunday in the summer timeobserved that many among the congregation ware drowsing. Suddenly, then, he paused, and afterward continued in a loud voice, relating an incidentthat had no connection whatever with his sermon. This was to thefollowing effect:

"I was once riding along a country road. I came to the house of afarmer, and halted to observe one of the most remarkable sights I haveever seen. There was a sow with a litter of ten little pigs. This sowand each of her offspring had a long curved horn growing out of theforehead between the ears. "

The clergyman again paused, and ran his eye over the congregation. Everybody was now wide-awake. He thereupon remarked:

"Behold how strange! A few minutes since, when I was telling you thetruth, you went to sleep. But now when you have heard a whopping lie, you are all wide-awake. "

LIGHTNING

The woman was strong-minded, and she was religious, and she was alsoafflicted with a very feminine fear of thunder storms. She wasdelivering an address at a religious convention when a tempest suddenlybroke with din of thunder and flare of lightning. Above the noise of theelements, her voice was heard in shrill supplication:

"O Lord, take us under Thy protecting wings, for Thou knowest thatfeathers are splendid non-conductors. "

LISP

The kindergarten teacher questioned her tiny pupil:

"Do you know, Jennie, what a panther is?"

"Yeth, ma'am, " Jennie replied, beaming. "A panther ith a man who makespanth. "

LITERAL

The class had been told by the teacher to write compositions in whichthey must not attempt any flights of fancy, but should only state whatwas really in them. The star production from this command was acomposition written by a boy who was both sincere and painstaking. Itran as follows:

"I shall not attempt any flites of fancy, but wright just what is reallyin me. In me there is my stommick, lungs, liver, two apples, two cakesand my dinner. "

LITERALNESS

The visitor from the city stopped in at the general store of thevillage, and inquired:

"Have you anything in the shape of automobile tires?"

"Yep, " the store-keeper answered briskly, "life-preservers, invalidcushions, funeral wreaths, doughnuts, an' sich. "

LOGIC

The mother came on her little son who was standing thoughtfully beforethe gooseberry bush in the garden. She noted that his expression wasboth puzzled and distressed. 

"Why, what's the matter, little lamb?" she asked tenderly. 

"I'm finkin, muvver, " the boy answered. 

"What about, little man?"

"Have gooseberries any legs, muvver?"

"Why, no! Of course not, dear. "

The perplexity passed from the little boy's face, but the expression oftrouble deepened, as he spoke again:

"Then, muvver, I fink I've swallowed a catapillar. "

LOQUACITY

The two old Scotchmen played a round of seventeen holes without a wordexchanged between them. As they came to the eighteenth green, Sandysurveyed the lie, and muttered:

"Dormie. "

Quoth Tammas, with a snarl:

"Chatter-r-rbox!"

LOVE

The philosopher calmly defined the exact difference between life andlove:

"Life is just one fool thing after another: love is just two fool thingsafter each other. "

LOVE ME, LOVE ME NOT

The little girl came in tears to her mother. 

"God doesn't love me, " she sobbed. 

"Of course, God loves you, " the mother declared. "How did you ever cometo get such an idea?"

"No, " the child persisted, "He doesn't love me. I know--I tried Him witha daisy. "

LUCK

The pessimist quoted from his own experience at poker in illustration ofthe general cussedness of things:

"Frequent, I have sot in a poker game, and it sure is queer how thingswill turn out. I've sot hour after hour in them games, without evertakin' a pot. And then, 'long about four o'clock in the mornin', theluck'd turn--it'd take a turn for the worse. "

 * * *

"How did you find your steak?" asked the waiter of a patron in the veryexpensive restaurant. 

"Just luck, " the hungry man replied, sadly. "I happened to move thatsmall piece of potato, and there it was!"

 * * *

The new reporter wrote his concluding paragraph concerning the murder asfollows:

"Fortunately for the deceased, he had deposited all of his money in thebank the day before. He lost practically nothing but his life. "

 * * *

The editor of the country paper went home to supper, smiling radiantly. 

"Have you had some good luck?" his wife questioned. 

"Luck! I should say so. Deacon Tracey, who hasn't paid his subscriptionfor ten years, came in and stopped his paper. "

LUNACY

The lunatic peered over the asylum wall, and saw a man fishing from thebank of the river that ran close by. It was raining hard, which cooledthe fevered brow of the lunatic and enabled him to think with greatclearness. In consequence, he called down to the drenched fisherman:

"Caught anything?"

The man on the bank looked up, and shook his head glumly. 

"How long you been there?" the lunatic next demanded. 

"Three hours, " was the answer. 

The lunatic grinned hospitably, and called down an invitation:

"Come inside!"

LUXURY

The retired colonel, who had seen forty years of active service, gavehis body servant, long his orderly, explicit instructions:

"Every morning, at five sharp, Sam, you are to wake me up, and say, 'Time for the parade, sir. '

"Then, I'll say, 'Damn the parade!' and turn over and go to sleepagain. "

LYING

The juryman petitioned the court to be excused, declaring:

"I owe a man twenty-five dollars that I borrowed, and as he is leavingtown to-day for some years I want to catch him before he gets to thetrain and pay him the money. "

"You are excused, " the judge announced in a very cold voice. "I don'twant anybody on the jury who can lie like you. "

 * * *

The tender young mother detected her baby boy in a deliberate lie. Withtears in her eyes, and a catch in her voice, she sought to impress uponhim the enormity of his offense. 

"Do you know, " she questioned severely, "what happens to little boys whotell falsehoods?"

The culprit shook his head in great distress, and the mother explainedcarefully:

"Why, a great big black man, with horns on his head and one eye in thecenter of his forehead, comes along and grabs the little boy who hastold a falsehood, and flies with him up to the moon, and keeps him theresifting ashes all the rest of his life. You won't ever tell anotherfalsehood, will you, darling? It's wicked!"

Mother's baby boy regarded the speaker with round-eyed admiration. 

"Oh, ma, " he gurgled, "what a whopper!"

MAIDENS

"I wish I could know how many men will be made wretched when I getmarried, " said the languishing coquette to her most intimate confidante. 

"I'll tell you, " came the catty answer, "if you'll tell me how many menyou're going to marry. "

MAIDEN SPEECH

The unhappy man explained the cause of his wretchedness:

"I've never made a speech in my life. But last night at the dinner atthe club they insisted on my making some remarks, and I got up, andbegan like this:

"As I was sitting on my thought, a seat struck me. "

MANNERS

It is told of Prince Herbert Bismarck that at a reception in the RoyalPalace in Berlin he rudely jostled a high dignitary of the Italianchurch. In answer to the prelate's expression of annoyance, the Princedrew himself haughtily erect, and said, "I am Herbert Bismarck. "

"Ah, " replied the churchman, "that fact is perhaps an apology;certainly, it is a complete explanation. "

 * * *

The tenderfoot in the Western town asked for coffee and rolls at thelunch counter. He was served by the waitress, and there was no saucerfor the cup. 

"What about the saucer?" he asked. 

The girl explained:

"We don't hand out saucers no more. We found, if we did, like's not, some low-brow would drift in an' drink out of the saucer, an' that ain'tgood fer trade. This here is a swell dump. "

 * * *

After treading rather heavily on her foot, the man in the street carmade humble apology to the woman. She listened in grim silence, and, when he had made an end, spoke very much to the point:

"That's it! Walk all over a body's feet, an' then blat about how sorryyou be. Well, I jest want you to understand that if I wasn't a pufficklady, I'd slap your dirty face!"

MARKSMANSHIP

During the Saturday night revels in a frontier town, the scrawniest andskinniest beanpole-type citizen got shot in the leg. The only doctor inthe town had done celebrating and gone to bed. A posse of citizenspounded on the doctor's door, until he thrust his head out of a window. 

"Whazzamazzer?" he called down. 

"Comea-runnin', Doc. Joe Jinks's been shot. "

"Whereabouts shot?"

"In the laig. "

"_Some_ shootin'!" And the doctor slammed the window shut. 

MARRIAGE

Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener. 

 * * *

The mild little husband was appealing to the court for protection fromthe large, bony belligerent and baleful female who was his wife. 

"Let us begin at the beginning, " said the judge. "Where did you firstmeet this woman who has thus abused you?"

The little man shuddered, and looked everywhere except at his wife as hereplied:

"I never did, so to say, meet up with her. She jest naturally overtookme. "

 * * *

An African newspaper recently carried the following advertisement:

 _Wanted_ Small nicely furnished house, nice locality, from August 1st, for nearly married couple. 

 * * *

The solemn ceremony of marriage was being performed for the blushingyoung bride and the elderly gentleman who had been thrice widowed. Therewas a sound of loud sobs from the next room. The guests were startled, but a member of the bridegroom's family explained:

"That's only our Jane. She always cries when Pa is gettin' married. "

 * * *

The mistress was annoyed by the repeated calls of a certain negro on hercolored cook. 

"You told me, " she protested to the cook, "that you had no man friends. But this fellow is in the kitchen all the time. "

"Dat nigger, he hain't no friend o' mine, " the cook declared scornfully. "Him, he's jes' my 'usban'. "

 * * *

Deacon Gibbs explained why he had at last decided to move into town inspite of the fact that he had always declared himself a lover of life inthe country. But his explanation was clear and conclusive. 

"My third wife, Mirandy, she don't like the country, an' what Mirandyshe don't like, I jist nacherly hev to hate. "

 * * *

The wife suggested to her husband that he should pay back to her thedollar he had borrowed the week before. 

"But, " the husband protested indignantly, "I've already paid that dollarback to you twice! You can't expect me to pay it again!"

"Oh, very well, " the wife retorted with a contemptuous sniff, "nevermind, since you are as mean as that. "

 * * *

The very youthful son of a henpecked father was in a gloomy mood, rebellious against the conditions of his life. He announced a desperatepurpose:

"I'm going to get married. I'm bossed by pa an ma, an' teacher, an' Iain't going to stan' for it. I'm going to get married right smack off. Amarried man ain't bossed by nobody 'cept his wife. "

 * * *

The woman was six feet tall and broad and brawny in proportion. The manwas a short five feet, anemic and wobegone. The woman haled him beforethe justice of the peace with a demand that he marry her or go to jail. 

"Did you promise to marry this lady?" the justice asked. 

"Guilty, your honor, " was the answer. 

The justice turned to the woman: "Are you determined to marry this man?"

"I am!" she snapped. 

"Join hands, " the justice commended. When they had done so he raised hisown right hand impressively and spoke solemnly:

"I pronounce you twain woman and husband. "

 * * *

A lady received a visit from a former maid three months after the girlhad left to be married. 

"And how do you like being married?" the lady inquired. 

The bride replied with happy enthusiasm:

"Oh, it's fine, ma'am--getting married is! Yes'm, it's fine! but, land'ssake, ma'am, " she added suddenly, "ain't it tedious!"

 * * *

The negro, after obtaining a marriage license, returned a week later tothe bureau, and asked to have another name substituted for that of thelady. 

"I done changed mah mind, " he announced. The clerk remarked that thechange would cost him another dollar and a half for a new license. 

"Is that the law?" the colored man demanded in distress. The clerknodded, and the applicant thought hard for a full minute:

"Gee!" he said at last. "Never mind, boss, this ole one will do. Thereain't a dollar and a half difference in them niggers no how. "

 * * *

The New England widower was speaking to a friend confidentially a weekafter the burial of his deceased helpmate. 

"I'm feelin' right pert, " he admitted; "pearter'n I've felt afore inyears. You see, she was a good wife. She was a good-lookin' woman, an'smart as they make 'em, an' a fine housekeeper, an' she always done herduty by me an' the children, an' she warn't sickly, an' I never hearn across word out o' her in all the thutty year we lived together. Butdang it all! Somehow, I never did like Maria. . . . Yes, I'm feelin' prettypeart. "

 * * *

There were elaborate preparations in colored society for a certainwedding. The prospective bride had been maid to a lady who met the girlon the street a week after the time set for the ceremony and inquiredconcerning it:

"Did you have a big wedding, Martha?"

"'Deed ah did, missus, 'deed ah did, de most splendiferous occasion obde season. "

"Did you receive handsome presents?"

"Yes'm, yes'm, de hull house was jes' crowded wiv de gifts. "

"And was your house nicely decorated?"

"Yes'm, yes'm. An' everybody done wear der very best, look jes' lak awhite-folks' weddin', yes'm. "

"And yourself, Martha, how did you look?"

"Ah was sutinly some scrumptious, yes'm. Ah done wore mah white bridaldress an' orange blossoms, yes'm. Ah was some kid. "

"And the bridegroom, how did he appear?"

"De bridegroom? Aw, dat triflin', low-down houn' dawg, he didn't show upat all, but we had a magnificious occasion wivout him, jes' de same!"

MERIT

Mrs. Rafferty stopped to address Mrs. Flannagan, who was standing atease in the door of the tenement. She spoke with an air of fine pride:

"I'm afther havin' a letter from me boy. He tells me that fermeritorious condooct, his sintince will be reduced six months. "

Mrs. Flannagan beamed appreciatively on hearing the glad tidings. 

"Sure, now, an' what a comfort it must be t' yez, havin' a son what doesye such credit. "

MILITARY DISCIPLINE

The raw recruit was on sentry duty. He had a piece of pie, which he hadbrought from the canteen, and proceeded to enjoy it. Just then, thecolonel happened along, and scowled at the sentry, who paid no attentionto him whatever. 

"Do you know who I am?" the officer demanded. 

The sentry shook his head. "Mebby, the veterinarian, or the barber, ormebby the colonel himself. " The sentry laughed loudly at his own wit. But he wiltered as the officer sternly declared his identity. 

"Oh good land!" the recruit cried out in consternation. "Please, holdthis pie while I present arms. "

MISCELLANY

It is related concerning a sofa, belonging to a man blessed (?) withseven daughters, all unmarried, which was sent to the upholsterer to berepaired, that, when taken apart, the following articles werediscovered:

Forty-seven hairpins, three mustache combs, nineteen suspender buttons, thirteen needles, eight cigarettes, four photographs, two hundred andseventeen pins, some grains of coffee, a number of cloves, twenty-sevencuff-buttons, six pocket-knives, fifteen poker-chips, a vial ofhomeopathic medicine for the nerves, thirty-four lumps of chewing-gum, fifty-nine toothpicks, twenty-eight matches, fourteen button-hooks, twoswitches, a transformation and two plates of false teeth, whichapparently had bitten each other. 

MISTAKEN IDENTITY

The raw Irishman was told by the farmer for whom he worked that thepumpkins in the corn patch were mule's eggs, which only needed someoneto sit on them to hatch. Pat was ambitious to own a mule, and, selectinga large pumpkin, he sat on it industriously every moment he could stealfrom his work. Came a day when he grew impatient, and determined tohasten the hatching. He stamped on the pumpkin. As it broke open, astartled rabbit broke from its cover in an adjacent corn shock andscurried across the field. Pat chased it, shouting:

"Hi, thar! Stop! don't yez know your own father?"

 * * *

The meek-looking gentleman arose hastily and offered his seat in the carto the self-assertive woman who had entered and glared at him. She gavehim no thanks as she seated herself, but she spoke in a heavy voice thatfilled the whole car:

"What are you standing up there for? Come here, and sit on my lap. "

The modest man turned scarlet as he huskily faltered:

"I fear, madam, that I am not worthy of such an honor. "

"How dare you!" the woman boomed. "You know perfectly well I wasspeaking to my niece behind you. "

 * * *

The little man was perfectly harmless, but the lady sitting next to himin the car was a spinster, and suspicious of all males. So, since theywere somewhat crowded on the seat, she pushed the umbrella between herknee and his and held it firmly as a barrier. A shower came up, and thewoman when she left the car, put up the umbrella. As she did so, sheperceived that the little man had followed her. She had guessed that hewas a masher, now she knew it. She walked quickly down the side street, and the man pursued through the driving rain. She ran up the steps ofher home, and rang the bell. When she heard the servant coming to thedoor, feeling herself safe at last, she faced about and addressed herpursuer angrily:

"How dare you follow me! How dare you! What do you want, anyhow?"

The drenched little man at the foot of the steps spoke pleadingly:

"If you please, ma'am, I want my umbrella. "

 * * *

The traveling salesman instructed the porter that he must leave thetrain at Cleveland, where he was due at three o'clock in the morning. Heexplained that violence might be necessary because he did not wakeeasily. He emphasized his instructions with a generous tip. 

The drummer awoke at six in the morning, with Cleveland far behind. Ina rage, he sought the porter. The colored man was in a highly disheveledstate and his face was bruised badly. His eyes popped at sight of thefurious traveling man, who allowed no opportunity for explanations orexcuses. He did all the talking, and did it forcibly. When at last theoutraged salesman went away, the porter shook his head dismally, andmuttered:

"Now, Ah shohly wonder who-all Ah done put off at Cleveland. "

 * * *

The assistant minister announced to the congregation that a specialbaptismal service would be held the following Sunday at three o'clock inthe afternoon, and that any infants to receive the rite should bebrought to the church at that time. 

The old clergyman, who was deaf, thought that his assistant was speakingof the new hymnals, and he added a bit of information:

"Anyone not already provided can obtain them in the vestry for a dollar, or with red backs and speckled edges for one dollar and a half. "

 * * *

The child went with her mother on a visit in New Jersey. At bedtime, thelittle girl was nervous over the strangeness of her surroundings, butthe mother comforted her, saying:

"Remember, dear, God's angels are all about you. "

A little later, a cry from the child called the mother back into theroom. 

"The angels are buzzing all around just dreadful, mama, and they bite!"

 * * *

The new clergyman was coming to call, and the mother gave Emma someinstructions:

"If he asks your name, say Emma Jane; if he asks how old you are, sayyou are eight years old; if he asks who made you, say God made me. "

It is a fact that the clergyman did ask just those three questions inthat order, to the first two of which Emma replied correctly. But it isalso a fact that when the minister propounded the third query, as to herorigin, the child hesitated, and then said:

"Mama did tell me the man's name, but I've gone and forgotten it. "

 * * *

The editor of a country newspaper betook himself to a party at the houseof a neighbor, where, only a few weeks earlier, a baby had been added tothe family. On the editor's arrival at the house, he was met at the doorby his hostess, a woman who suffered to some extent from deafness. Afterthe usual exchange of greetings, the editor inquired concerning thehealth of the baby. The hostess had a severe cold, and she nowmisunderstood the visitor's inquiry concerning the baby, thinking thathe was solicitous on her account. So she explained to the aghast editorwho had asked about the baby that, although she usually had one everywinter, this was the very worst one she had ever had, it kept her awakeat night a great deal, and at first confined her to her bed. Havingexplained thus far, the good lady noticed the flabbergasted air of herguest. She continued sympathetically; saying that she could tell by hislooks and the way he acted that he was going to have one just like hers. Then she insisted that, as a precautionary measure for the sake of hiscondition, he should come in out of the draft and sit down and stayquiet. 

MISMATED

A Texas lad, lacking a team of horses or oxen or mules for hisploughing, engaged his sister to direct the plough, while he yokedhimself to a steer for the pulling. The steer promptly ran away, and thelad had no choice but to run too. They came shortly into the village andwent tearing down the street. And as he raced wildly, the young manshouted:

"Here we come--darn our fool souls! Somebody head us off!"

MIXED METAPHORS

A babu, or native clerk, in India, who prided himself on his mastery ofthe English tongue and skill in its idioms, sent the following telegramin announcement of his mother's death:

"Regret to announce that hand which rocked the cradle has kicked thebucket. "

MODESTY

A British journalist, in an article on Sir Henry Irving for a Londonweekly wrote:

"I was his guest regularly at all Lyceum first nights for a wholequarter of a century. . . . He delighted in the company of third-ratepeople. "

MONEY TALKS

The disreputable-looking panhandler picked out an elderly gentleman ofmost benevolent aspect and made a plea for a small financialcontribution. When he had finished his narrative of misery and woe theelderly gentleman replied benignantly:

"My good friend, I have no money, but I can give you some good advice. "

The tramp spat contemptuously, and uttered an oath of disgust. 

"If you hain't got no money, " he jeered, "I reckon your advice ain'tworth hearin'. "

MONEY VALUE

A well-known millionaire entertained Edward Everett Hale with otherguests at a dinner. The host was not only hospitable, but wished everyone to know his liberality. During the meal, he extolled the variousviands, and did not hesitate to give their value in dollars and cents. In speaking of some very beautiful grapes served, which had been grownon his estate, he wearied the company by a careful calculation as tojust how much a stem of them had cost him. Doctor Hale grinnedpleasantly as he extended his empty plate, with the request:

"I'll thank you to cut me off about $1. 87 worth more, please. "

MONOGAMY

The wives of the savage chief questioned the wife of the missionary:

"And you never let your husband beat you?"

"Certainly not, " the Christian lady replied. "Why, he wouldn't dare totry such a thing!"

The oldest wife nodded understandingly. 

"It is plain enough why the foreign devil has only one wife. "

MONOTONY

The son of the house addressed his mother wistfully. 

"I'm going to have a little sister some day, ain't I?"

"Why, dear, do you want one?"

The child nodded seriously. 

"Yes, mama, I do. It gets kin' o' tiresome teasin' the cat. "

MORALITY

The more-or-less-religious woman was deeply shocked when the newneighbors sent over on Sunday morning to borrow her lawn-mower. 

"The very idea, " she exclaimed to her maid, "of cutting grass on theSabbath! Shameful! Certainly, they can't have it. Tell them we haven'tany lawn-mower. "

MOSQUITOES

The visitor from another state talked so much concerning the size andfierceness of New Jersey mosquitoes that his host became somewhatpeeved. 

"Funny!" the guest remarked. "You haven't your porch screened. "

"No, " the host snapped; "we're using mouse-traps. "

 * * *

A visitor in the South complained bitterly concerning the plague ofmosquitoes. An aged negro who listened respectfully explained a methodby which the pests might be endured. But this was in the days beforeprohibition. 

"My old Marse George, suh, he done managed them animiles sholysplendiferous. Always when he come home nights, he so completelyintoxicated he don't care a cuss foh all the skeeters in the hullcreation. In the mawnin, when Marse George done git up, the skeeters socompletely intoxicated they don't care a cuss foh Marse George, nernobody!"

MOTTO

Two men walking along Avenue A in New York City observed a dingy saloon, in the window of which was a framed sign, reading:

"_Ici on parle français_. "

"I don't believe anybody talks French in that dump, " one of theobservers remarked. 

To settle the matter, they entered, and ordered ginger ale of ared-headed barkeeper who was unmistakably Irish. 

One of the men addressed the barkeeper:

"_Fait beau temps, monsieur_. "

The barkeeper scowled. 

"Come agin!" he demanded. 

It was soon demonstrated that French was a language unknown to theestablishment. 

The visitor then inquired as to the reason for the sign in the window, explaining that it meant, "French is spoken here. "

The Irish barkeeper cursed heartily. 

"I bought it off a sheeny, " he explained, "for six bits. He tould me itwas Latin for, 'God Bless Our Home. '"

MUSIC

Artemas Ward said:

"When I am sad, I sing, and then others are sad with me. "

 * * *

The optimistic pessimist explained why he always dined in restaurantswhere music was provided. 

"Because it works two ways: sometimes the music helps to make me forgetthe food, and sometimes the food helps to make me forget the music. "

 * * *

The young man, who was interested in natural history, was sitting on theporch one June evening with his best girl, who was interested in music. The rhythmic shrilling of the insects pulsed on the air, and from thevillage church down the street came the sounds of choir practise. Theyoung man gave his attention to the former, the girl to the latter; andpresently she spoke eagerly:

"Oh, don't it sound grand!"

The young man nodded, and answered:

"Yes, indeed! and it's interesting to think that they do it all withtheir hind legs. "

 * * *

The boy violinist, played at a private musical, rendering a difficultconcerto, which contained some particularly long rests for the soloist:During one of these intervals, a kindly dowager leaned toward theperformer, and whispered loudly:

"Why don't you play something that you know, my boy?"

 * * *

The apoplectic and grumpy old gentleman in the crowded restaurant wascompelled to sit, much against his will, next to the orchestra. Hisstare at the leader as the jazz selection came to an end. The annoyedpatron snorted, and then asked:

"Would you be so kind as to play something by request?"

The leader bowed again and beamed. 

"Certainly, " he replied; "anything you like, sir. "

"Then, " snapped the patron, "please be good enough to play a game ofcheckers while I finish my meal. "

NEATNESS

The Japanese are remarkably tidy in the matter of floors. They evenremove their shoes at the doorway. A Japanese student in New York wascontinually distressed by the dirty hallways of the building in whichhe lived. In the autumn, the janitor placed a notice at the entrance, which read:

"Please wipe your feet. "

The Japanese wrote beneath in pencil:

"On going out. "

NEIGHBORS

It was a late hour when the hostess at the reception requested theeminent basso to sing. 

"It is too late, madam, " he protested. "I should disturb yourneighbors. "

"Not at all, " declared the lady, beaming. "Besides, they poisoned ourdog last week. "

NERVES

The older sister rebuked the younger when putting her to bed for beingcross and ill tempered throughout the day. After she had been neatlytucked in, the little one commented:

"It's temper when it's me an' nerves when it's you. "

NIGHTMARE

"And you say you have the same nightmare every night, " the doctorinquired. "What is it?"

The suffering man answered:

"I dream that I'm married. "

"Ah, hum!" the physician grunted perfunctorily. "To whom?"

"To my wife, " the patient explained. "That's what makes it anightmare. "

The inn-keeper was inclined to take advantage of a particular guest whodid not scrutinize the bills rendered. When the clerk mentioned the factthat this guest had complained of a nightmare, the host brightened, andmarked down an item of ten dollars charge for livery. 

NOMENCLATURE

The young son of a mountaineer family in North Carolina had visited forthe first time in the town twelve miles from home, and had eaten hismid-day meal there. Questioned on his return as to the repast, hedescribed it with enthusiasm, except in one particular:

"They done had something they called gravee. But hit looked like sop, an' hit tasted like sop, an' I believe in my soul 'twar sop!"

 * * *

When his daughter returned from the girls' college, the farmer regardedher critically, and then demanded:

"Ain't you a lot fatter than you was?"

"Yes, dad, " the girl admitted. "I weigh one hundred and forty poundsstripped for 'gym. '"

The father stared for a moment in horrified amazement, then shouted:

"Who in thunder is Jim?"

 * * *

On an occasion when a distinguished critic was to deliver a lecture onthe poet Keats in a small town, the president of the local literarysociety was prevented by illness from introducing the speaker, and themayor, who was more popular than learned, was asked to officiate. Theamiable gentleman introduced the stranger with his accustomed eloquence, and concluded a few happy remarks of a general character with thisobservation:

"And now, my friends, we shall soon all know what I personally haveoften wondered--what are Keats!"

 * * *

During the scarcity of labor, a new clerk, who knew nothing of thebusiness, was taken on by a furniture house. His mistakes were so badthat the proprietor was compelled to watch him closely, and to fire himafter the following episode. 

A lady customer asked to see some chiffoniers. The clerk led her to thedisplay of bassinettes, which was an unfortunate error since the ladywas an old maid. She accepted his apology, however, and then remarked:

"Where are your sideboards?"

The clerk blushed furiously, as he replied:

"Why--er--I shaved them off last week. "

 * * *

The lady who had some culture, but not too much, was describing theadventure of her husband, who had been in Messina at the time of theearthquake. 

"It was awful, " she declared, in tense tones. "When Jim went to bed, everything was perfectly quiet. And then, when he woke up, all of asudden, there beside him was a yawning abbess!"

 * * *

One of the two girls in the subway was glancing at a newspaper. 

"I see, " she remarked presently to her companion, "that Mr. So and so, the octogenarian, is dead. Now, what on earth is an octogenariananyhow?"

"I'm sure I haven't the faintest idea, " the other girl replied. "Butthey're an awful sickly lot. You never hear of one but he's dying. "

 * * *

A story is told of an office-seeker in Washington who asserted to aninquirer that he had never heard of Mark Twain. 

"What? Never heard of _Tom Sawyer_?"

"Nope, never heard of him. "

"Nor _Huck Finn_?"

"Nope, never heard of him neither. "

"Nor _Puddin'head Wilson_?"

"Oh, Lord, yes!" the office-seeker exclaimed. "Why, I voted for him. "

And then he added sadly:

"An' that's all the good it done me. "

 * * *

The aged caretaker of the Episcopal church confided to a crony that hewas uncertain as to just what he was:

"I used to be the janitor, years ago. Then we had a parson who named methe sextant. And Doctor Smith, he called me a virgin. And our young man, he says I'm the sacrilege. "

OBSTINACY

The old mountaineer and his wife arrived at a railway station, and forthe first time in their lives beheld a train of cars, which was standingthere. The husband looked the engine over very carefully, and shook hishead. 

"Well, what do you think of it, father?" asked the old lady. 

"She'll never start, " was the firm answer: "she'll never start. "

The conductor waved, the bell rang, the locomotive puffed, the trainmoved slowly at first, then faster. It was disappearing in the distancewhen the wife inquired slyly:

"Well, pa, what do you think of it now?"

The old man shook his head more violently than before. 

"She'll never stop, " he asserted; "she'll never stop!"

OMEN

The great pugilist was superstitious and fond of lobster. When thewaiter served one with a claw missing, he protested. The waiterexplained that this lobster had been worsted in a fight with another inthe kitchen. The great pugilist pushed back his plate. 

"Carry him off, " he commanded, "and bring me the winner. "

OPTICAL ILLUSION

The sergeant rebuked the private angrily:

"Jenkins, why haven't you shaved this morning?"

"Why, ain't I shaved?" the private exclaimed, apparently greatlysurprised. 

"No, you ain't, " the sergeant snapped. "And I want to know the reasonwhy. "

"Well, now, I guess it must be this way, " Jenkins suggested. "There wasa dozen of us usin' the same bit of lookin' glass, an' I swan I musthave shaved somebody else. "

OPTIMISM

The day laborer was of a cheerful disposition that naturally inclined toseek out the good in every situation. He was a genuine optimist. Thus, after tramping the three miles from home to begin the day's work on theditch, he discovered that he had been careless, and explained to afellow laborer:

"I've gone and done it now! I left my lunch at home. "

Then, suddenly he beamed happily, as he added:

"And it's a good thing I did, for the matter of that, because I left myteeth at home, too. "

 * * *

The optimist fell from the top story of a skyscraper. As he passed thefourth story, he was overheard muttering:

"So far, so good!"

ORIENTATION

John B. Gough was fond of telling of a laird and his servant Sandy. Thetwo were on their way home on horseback late at night, and both weremuch muddled by drink. At a ford where the bank was steep, the lairdfell head first into the creek. He scrambled up, and shouted to hisservant:

"Hold on, Sandy! Something fell off--I heard it splash!"

Sandy climbed down from the saddle, and waded about blindly in theshallow water, with groping hands. At last, he seized on the laird. 

"Why, it's yerself, mon, as fell oof!"

"No, Sandy, " the master declared stoutly. "It can't be me--here I am. "Then he, added: "But if it is me, get me back on the horse. "

Sandy helped the laird to the horse, and boosted him up astride. In thedark, the rider was faced the wrong way to. 

"Gie me the reins, " the master ordered. 

Sandy felt about the horse's rump, and, then cried out, clutching thetail:

"It waur the horse's head as fell off--nothin' left but the mane!"

"Gie me the mane, then, " the laird directed stolidly. "I must een haesomething to hold on. "

So, presently, when he had the tail firmly grasped in both hands, andSandy had mounted, the procession began to move. Whereat, the lairdshouted in dismay:

"Haud on, Sandy! It's gaein' the wrang way!"

OUTWORN

Tiny Clara heard her mother say that a neighboring lady had a new baby. The tot puzzled over the matter, and at last sought additionalinformation:

"Oh, mumsy, what is she going to do with her old one?"

PARADOX

The amiable old lady was overheard talking to herself as she left thechurch along with the crowd that had attended the services:

"If everybody else would only do as I do, and stay quietly in theirseats till everyone else has gone out, there would not be such a crushat the doors. "

 * * *

Two friends from Ireland on a tour occupied the same bedchamber in acountry inn. During the night a fearful storm raged. John spoke of it inthe morning while the two men were dressing. 

"Did it rain?" Dennis asked in surprise. 

"Rain!" John exclaimed. "It was a deluge, and the lightnin' was blindin'and the thunder was deafenin'. Sure, I never heard the like. "

"For the love of Hivvin!" Dennis cried out. "Why didn't yez waken me?Didn't yez know I never can slape whin it thunders!"

PASTORAL

Burdette quotes as follows a year's statistics of parochial work, ascompiled by a young curate:

"Preached 104 sermons, 18 mortuary discourses, solemnized 21 hymenealceremonies, delivered 17 lectures, of which 16 were on secular and allthe rest on religious subjects; made 39 addresses, of which all but 27were on matters most nearly touching the vital religious concerns of thechurch, read aloud in church 156 chapters of the Bible, 149 of whichwere very long ones; made pastoral calls, 312; took tea on suchoccasions, 312 times; distributed 804 tracts; visited the sick severaltimes; sat on the platform at temperance and other public meetings 47times; had the headache Sabbath mornings, and so was compelled to appearin a condition of physical pain, nervous prostration and bodily distressthat utterly unfitted him for public preaching, 104 times; picnicsattended, 10; dinners, 37; suffered from attacks of malignant dyspepsia, 37 times; read 748 hymns; instructed the choir in regard to theselection of tunes, 1 time; had severe cold, 104 times; sore throat, 104times; malaria, 104 times; wrote 3120 pages of sermons; declinedinvitations to tea, 1 time; started the tune in prayer meeting, 2 times;started the wrong tune, 2 times; sung hymns that nobody else knew, 2times; received into church membership, 3; dismissed by letter, 49;expelled, 16; lost, strayed, or stolen, 137. "

PATRIOTISM

The Scotchman returned to his native town, Peebles, after a first visitto London. He told the neighbors enthusiastically of his many wonderfulexperiences in the metropolis. There was, however, no weakening in hislocal loyalty, for at the end he cried out proudly:

"But, for real pleasure, gi'e me Peebles!"

 * * *

There is no doubting the strong patriotism of the schoolboy who is thehero of this tale, although he may have been weak on history. During anexamination in general history, he was asked:

"Who was the first man?"

He answered proudly, even enthusiastically, without any hesitation:

"George Washington, first in war, first in peace, first in thehearts----"

But the teacher interrupted ruthlessly:

"Wrong! Adam was the first man. "

The boy sniffed disgustedly. 

"Oh!" he retorted. "I didn't know you were talking about foreigners. "

 * * *

The troops had been marching through a sea of mud for hours, when atlast they were lined up for inspection before a general. In theevolution, a young cavalryman who had enlisted was thrown from his horseinto the muck, from which he emerged in a dreadful state, thoughuninjured except in his feelings. The general himself, who had witnessedthe incident, rode up, and preserving his gravity with some effortinquired of the trooper if he had suffered any hurt from the fall. 

"Naw, " was the disgusted reply. "But if I ever love a country agin, youcan kick _me_!"

PEACE

The mourning widow caused a tender sentiment to be chiseled on theheadstone of her husband's grave. The exact wording was as follows:

"Thou are at rest, until we meet again. "

PEACEMAKER

The father was telling at the table of a row between two men in which hehad interfered. One had swung a shovel aloft, shouting, "I'll knock yourbrains out!"

"It was at this moment, " the head of the family explained, "that Istepped in between them. "

Little Johnnie had been listening, round-eyed with excitement. Now, heburst forth:

"I guess he couldn't knock any brains out of you, could he, pa?"

PENSION

The usual details in administration of the pension laws are not amusing, but occasionally even here a bit of humor creeps in to relieve thetedium. Thus, John Smith, claimant under Invalid Original No. 98, 325, 423, based his application for succor upon an "injury to leg dueto the kick of a vicious horse" in the service and line of duty, etc. 

This was formally insufficient, and the bureau advised to claimant tothis effect, directing him to state: "which leg was injured by thealleged kick of a vicious horse. "

The reply came promptly:

"My leg!"

PESSIMISM

The energetic New England woman addressed her hired girl in adiscouraged tone:

"Here it is Monday morning and to-morrow will be Tuesday, and the nextday Wednesday--the whole week half gone, and nothing done yit!"

 * * *

The old man shook his head dolefully in response to an inquiryconcerning his health. 

"It isn't what it ought to be, " he declared. "I find my strength isfailing. It used to be I could walk around the block every morning. Butnow lately, somehow, when I'm only half way round, I feel so tired Ihave to turn and come back. "

 * * *

The visitor remarked affably to the man of the house:

"Your family is wonderfully talented. One son plays the cornet, twodaughters play the piano and the guitar, and your wife plays the banjo, and the other children play ukuleles. As the father of such musicalgeniuses, you must be something yourself, aren't you?"

"Yes, " was the answer, "I am a pessimist. "

PHILANTHROPY

"I hear that Mrs. Brewster hasn't paid her servants any wages for anumber of months, " remarked one lady to another in a suburban town. 

"Why does she keep such a number of them then?" was the pertinentinquiry. 

"Oh, Mrs. Brewster tells everyone she regards it as her solemn duty toemploy as many as possible when times are so hard. "

PHONETICS

Little Willie questioned his grandmother with an appearance of greatseriousness:

"Ain't Rotterdam the name of a city, Gramma?"

"Don't say 'ain't', Willie, " the old lady corrected. "Yes, Rotterdam isthe name of a city. Why?"

"It ain't swearin' to say it, is it Gramma?"

"Don't say 'ain't', Willie. No, it isn't swearing to say Rotterdam. Why?"

"Cause if sister keeps on eatin' so much candy, she'll Rotterdam headoff. "

PHYSIOLOGY

The teacher explained to her young pupils some facts concerning variousorgans of the body, including the eye as the organ of sight, the ear asthe organ of hearing, and the like. Then she asked the pupils to repeatto her what they had learned. There was a short silence, which wasbroken by a bright little boy, who spoke as follows:

"I see with my eye organ, I hear with my ear organ, I smell with my noseorgan, I eat with my mouth organ, and I feel with my hand organ. "

PLAIN SPEAKING

The new maid was talkative, and related some of her experiences inservice. 

"You seem to have had a good many situations, " was the lady's commentas the girl paused. "How many different mistresses have you had, alltold?"

"Fifteen, all told, " the maid declared promptly; "yes mum, all toldeggzactly what I thought of them. "

PLAYING POSSUM

"No, suh, " the ancient negro asserted, with a melancholy shaking of hisbald head, "dar hain't no trustin' a 'possum. Once on a time, suh, Idone watched de hole of a 'possum all night long. An' at las', suh, de'possum done come out of his hole. An' what yoh t'ink de ole scallywogdone did? Well, suh, he done come out, an' when he done come out, he wasa polecat!"

PLUMBER

The plumber at many dollars a day could afford a little persiflage withthe cook in the kitchen where he was theoretically repairing the sink. The cook was plain-featured, but any diversion was welcome to speed thehours for which he drew pay. He made a strong impression on the cook, and when he took his departure, she simpered, and said coyly:

"Thursday is my evenin' off, an' we might go to the movies. "

The plumber snorted indignantly. 

"What!" he demanded. "On me own time?"

POETRY

The evil effects of decadent verse is unintentionally told in thefollowing extract from a Hindu's letter to the authorities requestingaid in behalf of his invalid father, who leads sickly life, and is goingfrom bad to perhaps, but not too well; for an extract from the petitioncalls on the government "to look after my old faher, who leads sicklylife, and is going from bad to verse every day. "

POINT OF VIEW

A couple from Boston spent a winter in Augusta, Georgia. During theperiod of their visit, they became fond of an old colored woman, andeven invited her to visit their home at their expense. In due time aftertheir return to Boston, the visitor was entertained. Every courtesy wasextended to the old colored woman, and she even had her meals with thehost and hostess. One day at dinner, the host remarked, with a certainsmug satisfaction in his own democratic hospitality:

"I imagine that, during all the time you were a slave, your master neverinvited you to eat at his table. "

"No, suh, dat he didn't, " replied the old darky. "My master was agenl'man. He never let no nigger set at table 'long side o' him. "

 * * *

The kindly old lady chanced to be present at the feeding of the lions inthe zoo. Presently, she remarked to the keeper:

"Isn't that a very small piece of meat to give to the lions?"

The man answered very respectfully, but firmly:

"It may seem like a very small piece of meat to you, mum, but it seemslike a big piece of meat to the lions, mum. "

POKER

Tommy Atkins and a doughboy sat in a poker game together somewhere inFrance. The Britisher held a full house, the American four of a kind. 

"I raise you two pounds, " quoth Tommy. 

The Yankee did not hesitate. 

"I ain't exactly onto your currency curves, but I'll bump it up fourtons. "

POLITENESS

The little girl in the car was a pest. She crossed the aisle to devoteherself to a dignified fat man, to his great annoyance. She askedinnumerable questions, and, incidentally, counted aloud his vest buttonsto learn whether he was rich man, poor man, beggar man or thief. Themother regarded the child's efforts as highly entertaining. The fat manleaned forward and addressed the lady very courteously:

"Madam, what do you call this dear little child?"

"Ethel, " the beaming mother replied. 

"Please call her then, " the fat man requested. 

 * * *

Johnny, who was to be the guest at a neighbor's for the noonday meal, was carefully admonished by his mother to remember his manners, and tospeak in complimentary terms of the food served him. He heeded theinstruction, and did the best he could under stress of embarrassment. 

After he had tasted the soup, he remarked as boldly as he couldcontrive:

"This is pretty good soup--what there is of it. "

He was greatly disconcerted to observe that his remark caused a frown onthe face of his hostess. He hastened to speak again in an effort tocorrect any bad impression from his previous speech:

"And there's plenty of it--such as it is. "

 * * *

On Johnnie's return from the birthday party, his mother expressed thehope that he had behaved politely at the luncheon table, and properlysaid, "Yes, if you please" and "No, thank you, " when anything wasoffered him. 

Johnnie shook his head seriously. 

"I guess I didn't say, 'No, thank you. ' I ate everything there was. "

 * * *

The teacher used as an illustration of bad grammar, for correction bythe class, the following sentence:

"The horse and cow is in the pasture. "

A manly little fellow raised his hand, and at the teacher's nod said:

"Please, sir, ladies should come first. "

 * * *

The man sitting in the street car addressed the woman standing beforehim:

"You must excuse my not giving you my seat--I'm a member of the SitStill Club. "

"Certainly, sir, " the woman replied. "And please excuse my staring--Ibelong to the Stand and Stare Club. "

She proved it so well that the man at last sheepishly got to his feet. 

"I guess, ma'am, " he mumbled, "I'll resign from my club and join yours. "

POLITICS

The little boy interrupted his father's reading of the paper with apetition. 

"Please, Daddy, tell me the story about the Forty Thieves. "

The father, aroused from his absorption in political news and comment onthe campaign, regarded his son thoughtfully for a moment, and then shookhis head. 

"No, " he answered decisively, "you must wait until you're a littleolder, my son. You're too young to understand politics. "

POPULATION

Someone asked a darky from Richmond who was visiting in the North as tothe population of the city. 

"Ah don't edzakly know, suh, " was the reply, "but I opine 'bout ahundred an' twenty-five thousan', countin' de whites. "

POSTAL

It is human nature to take an interest in the affairs of others. Thefact has been amply demonstrated by innumerable postmasters andpostmistresses who have profited from their contact with thecommunities' correspondence. That the postman, too, is likely to be wellinformed is shown in a quotation by _Punch_ of a local letter-carrier'sapology to a lady on his round:

"I'm sorry, Ma'am, I seem to have lost your postcard; but it only saidMuriel thanked you for the parcel and so did John, and they were bothvery well, and the children are happy, and she'll give your message toMargery. That'll be your other daughter, I'm thinkin'?"

PRAISE

One negro workman was overheard talking to another:

"I'se yoh frien'. I jest tole the fohman, when he say dat nigger Samain't fit to feed to de dawgs, why, I done spoke right up, an' tole himyoh shohly is!"

PRAYER

The Dutchman still retained a strong accent, although he had been in thecountry forty years, and was a churchwarden. When the rector complainedthat a certain parishioner had called him a perfect ass, and askedadvice, the reply, though well intentioned, sounded ambiguous:

"All you should do vill pe youst to bray for him, as usual. "

 * * *

A Scotch missionary in the Far East suffered ill fortune in hismarriages, for two wives in succession yielded to the trying climate anddied. The missionary had depended on the Board at home to select hisprevious mates, and he wrote for a third. When due time had elapsed, hejourneyed to the seaport to meet the steamer by which his new mateshould arrive. At the appointed hour, as the boat drew in, he stood onthe dock anxiously waiting. Among the few passengers to descend thegangplank, it was easy for him to select the one destined for him. Atsight of her, he shuddered slightly, and a groan burst from his lips. 

"Freckles, " he muttered despairingly, "and red headed, and withsquint--for the third time!--and after all my prayers!"

 * * *

Charles had attained the age of five when he attended a football gamefor the first time. It cannot be doubted that he was profoundlyimpressed by the excitement on the gridiron, for at bedtime his motherwas horrified to hear him utter his nightly prayer thus:

"God bless papa! God bless mama! God bless Charlie! Rah! Rah! Rah!"

 * * *

At the request of his wife, the husband opened a can of peaches. When hefinally reappeared, the wife asked demurely:

"What did you use to open that can, Jim?"

"Can-opener, of course, " the husband grunted. "What d'ye think I openedit with?"

"From the language I heard, I thought perhaps you were opening it withprayer. "

 * * *

The newspaper report of the special Sunday services contained thefollowing impressive description of the prayer:

"The most eloquent prayer ever addressed to a Boston audience. "

 * * *

The New York Sun published the following:

The toys had been reluctantly laid aside and in her dainty nightie thelittle girl, scarcely more than a baby, knelt at her mother's knee. 

The eyes, which all day long are alight with mischief, were reverentlyclosed, and as she haltingly uttered the words of the old, yet everyoung child's prayer her rapt face, raised occasionally from her dimpledhands, took on an expression almost seraphic in its innocent purity. 

With a fervent "Amen" she ended her supplication, then jumped up, eyesdancing, and exclaimed:

"Now let's say 'Little Jack Horner sat in the corner. ' I knows itbetter, Muvver. "

 * * *

A little boy was asked if he prayed when he attended church, and heanswered that he always did. On being questioned as to the nature of hisprayer, he explained that he always repeated it when the others in thecongregation made their silent prayer just before the sermon, and headded further:

"I just say the little prayer mother taught me--'Now I lay me down tosleep. '"

 * * *

A prayer showing a ghastly confusion of metaphors is on record as havingbeen offered extemporaneously in behalf of Queen Adelaide during thereign of that sovereign. The words as quoted were these:

"O Lord, save thy servant, our Sovereign Lady, the Queen. Grant that asshe grows an old woman, she may become a new man. Strengthen her withThy blessing that she may live a pure virgin, bringing her sons anddaughters to the glory of God. And give her grace that she may go beforeher people like a he-goat upon the mountains. "

 * * *

As the boat was sinking, the skipper lifted his voice to ask:

"Does anybody know how to pray?"

One man spoke confidently in answer:

"Yes, Captain, I do. "

The captain nodded. 

"That's all right then, " he declared. "You go ahead and pray. The restof us will put on life-belts. They're one short. "

PREACHER

A colored deacon who was the leader in a congregation down South, wroteto the bishop to explain the need of a minister for the church. Heconcluded his appeal as follows:

"Send us a Bishop to preach. If you can't send us a Bishop, send us aSliding Elder. If you can't send a Sliding Elder, send us a StationaryPreacher. If you can't spare him, send us a Circus Eider. If you can'tspare him, send us a Locust Preacher. And if you can't send a LocustPreacher, send us an Exhauster. "

PRECAUTION

When the colored couple were being married by the clergyman, and thewords, "love, honor and obey" were spoken, the bridegroom interrupted:

"Read that again, suh! read it once moh, so's de lady kin ketch de fullsolemnity ob de meanin'. I'se been married befoh. "

 * * *

The lawyer for the defense, in the damage suit, asked the witness whohad seen the plaintive struck by the automobile, how far the victim wasthrown by the impact. 

"Fifteen feet, six and three-quarter inches, " was the instant response. 

"You seem to be very exact in your figures, " exclaimed the lawyersarcastically. "How does that happen?"

"I guessed some fool lawyer would ask me, " the witness answered, "and Imeasured the distance. "

PRECOCITY

The playwright rushed up to the critic at the club. 

"I've had a terrible misfortune, " he announced. "My littlethree-year-old boy got at my new play, and tore it all to pieces. "

"Extraordinary that a child so young should be able to read, " said thecritic. 

PREMATURENESS

Ikey saw his friend Jakey in the smoking-car when he entered, and satdown in the same seat. 

"How was that fire in your place last week, Jakey?" he inquired. 

Jakey started nervously. 

"Sh!" he whispered. "It vas next week. "

PREPAREDNESS

The small boy was directed to soak his feet in salt water to toughenthem. He considered the matter thoughtfully, and then remarked tohimself:

"It's pretty near time for me to ket a lickin', I guess I'd better sitin it. "

 * * *

The two scrub women met and chattered to this effect:

Mrs. Riley--Och, Missus O'Rafferty, I hear yez be worrukin' noight an'day. 

Mrs. O'Rafferty--Yis, Oi'm under bonds to kape the pace for pullin' thehair o' that blaggard Missus Murphy; an' the Judge tould me as if Oitouched her again he'd foine me tin dollars. 

Mrs. Riley--An' yez is worrukin' so hard so's to kape outen mischief. 

Mrs. O'Rafferty (hissing viciously between her teeth)--No! Oi'm savin'oop the foine. 

 * * *

The father entered the room where Clara, his daughter, was entertainingher young man. 

"What is it, popper?" the young lady inquired. 

Her father held out the umbrella which he carried. 

"This is for John, " he explained. "It looks as if it might rain beforemorning. "

PRIDE

The little boy was greatly elated when informed by his mother that theliveliness of her hair as she combed it was caused by electricity. 

"Oh, my!" he exclaimed. "Ain't we a wonderful family! Mama haselectricity on her head, and grandma has gas on her stomach. "

 * * *

Pride often has no better basis in fact than the self-congratulation oflittle Raymond in the following story:

Raymond came home from a session of the Sunday School fairly swollenwith importance. He explained the cause to his mother. 

"The superintendent said something awful nice about me this morning inhis prayer. "

"And what did he say, dear?" the mother inquired, concealing herastonishment. 

The boy quoted glibly and sincerely. 

"He said, 'O Lord, we thank thee for our food and Raymond. '"

PRECOCIOUSNESS

A stranger rang the door-bell. Little eight-year-old Willie Jones openedthe door. 

"Is Mr. Jones in?" the caller inquired. 

Little Willie answered with formal politeness:

"I'm Mr. Jones. Or did you wish to see old Mr. Jones?"

PRISON REFORM

The society matron explained the necessity for immediate reform inconditions at the State Penitentiary:

"Nowadays, there are such a number of our very best people who are beingindicted and tried and convicted and sent to serve their sentences inthe prison that we really must make their surroundings there morepleasant and elegant. "

PRIVILEGE

The tenderfoot in the mining town was watching a poker game for heavystakes, when he saw the dealer give himself four aces from the bottom ofthe deck. He whispered the fact in shocked surprise to a citizen besidehim. The latter looked astonished. 

"What of it?" he drawled. "Wasn't it his deal?"

PROCRASTINATION

The Southern darky is usually willing enough, but painfully dilatory inaccomplishment. The foreman of a quarry called to Zeb, the generalutility man, and directed him to go across the road to the blacksmithshop and bring back a drill which had been left there for sharpening. Zeb shuffled out of sight, and after a lapse of half an hour, shuffledback lazily into view. The indignant foreman called to him sharply:

"Here, you Zeb! Where've you been all this time?"

The darky grinned placatingly. 

"Why, boss, " he explained, "I hain't been--I'se gwine!"

PROFANITY

The longshoreman was indulging in a fit of temper, which he interpretedin a burst of language that shocked the lady passing by. She regardedhim reprovingly, as she demanded:

"My man, where did you learn such awful language?"

"Where did I learn it?" the longshoreman repeated. "Huh! I didn't learnit, it's a gift. "

 * * *

The deacon carried a chain to the blacksmith to have a link welded. Whenhe returned to the shop a few hours later, he saw the chain lying on thefloor, and picked it up. It was just next to red hot, and the deacondropped it with the ejaculation:

"Hell!" Then he added hastily: "I like to have said. "

PROFITEERS

The wife of the profiteer discoursed largely on the luxuries of the newcountry estate. 

"And, of course, " she vouchsafed, "we have all the usualanimals--horses, cows, sheep, pigs, hens, and so forth. "

"Oh, hens!" the listener gushed. "Then you'll have fresh eggs. "

"Really, I'm not sure. The hens can work, if they like, but of course inour position, it's quite unnecessary--er, perhaps not quite suitable, you know. "

 * * *

The advertisement offered for fifty cents a recipe by which to whitenthe hands and soften them. Girls who sent the money received thefollowing directions:

"Soak the hands three times a day in dish water while mother rests. "

 * * *

"Are you sure this handbag is genuine crocodile skin?" the woman askedthe shopkeeper. 

"Absolutely, " was the reply. "I shot that crocodile myself. "

"But it is badly soiled. "

"Well, yes, of course. That's where it hit the ground, when it fell outof the tree. "

 * * *

Customer: "But if it costs twenty dollars to make these watches, and yousell them for twenty dollars, where does your profit come in?"

Shopkeeper: "That comes from repairing them. "

PROGRESS

The cottager was crippled by rheumatism, and the kindly clergyman taughthim his letters, and put him through the primer and into the Bible. Onhis return after a vacation, the clergyman met the cottager's wife. 

"How does John get along with his reading of the Bible?" he asked. 

"Oh, bless your reverence, " she replied proudly, "'e's out of the Bibleand into the newspaper long ago. "

 * * *

The kindly clergyman, newly come to the parish, was at great pains toteach an illiterate old man, crippled with rheumatism, his letters sothat he could read the Bible. On the clergyman's return after a shortabsence from the parish, he met the old man's wife. 

"And how is Thomas making out with reading his Bible?"

"Bless you, sir, " the wife declared proudly, "he's out of the Bible andinto the newspaper long ago. "

 * * *

The physician advised his patient to eat a hearty dinner at night, without any worry over the ability to digest it. The patient, however, protested:

"But the other time when I came to see you, you insisted I must eat onlya very light supper in the evening. "

The physician nodded, smiling complacently. 

"Yes, of course--that shows what great progress the science of medicineis making. "

PROHIBITION

The objector to prohibition spoke bitterly:

"Water has killed more folks than liquor ever did. "

"You are raving, " declared the defender of the Eighteenth Amendment. "How do you make that out?"

"Well, to begin with, there was the Flood. "

 * * *

The wife complained to her husband that the chauffeur was very drunkindeed, and must be discharged instantly. 

"Discharged--nothing!" the husband retorted joyously. "When he's soberedoff, I'll have him take me out and show me where he got it. "

PROLIFIC

The woman teacher in a New York School was interested in theannouncement by a little girl pupil that she had a new baby brother. 

"And what is the baby's name?" the teacher asked. 

"Aaron, " was the answer. 

A few days later, the teacher inquired concerning Aaron, but the littlegirl regarded her in perplexity. 

"Aaron?" she repeated. 

"Your baby brother, " the teacher prompted. 

Understanding dawned on the child's face. 

"Oh, Aaron!" she exclaimed. "That was a mistake. It's Moses. He's verywell, ma'am, thank you. Pa an' ma, they found we had an Aaron. "

PRONUNCIATION

The parson's daughter spoke pleasantly, but with a hint of rebuke, toone of her father's humble parishioners:

"Good morning, Giles. I haven't noticed you in church for the last fewweeks. "

"No, miss, " the man answered. "I've been oop at Noocaste a-visitin' myold 'aunts. And strange, miss, ain't it, I don't see no change in 'emsince I was a child like?"

The parson's daughter was duly impressed. 

"What wonderful old ladies they must be!"

But the man shook his head, and explained with remarkable clearness:

"I didn't say 'arnts', miss. I said 'awnts'--'aunts where I used towander in my childhood days like. "

PROOF

_Shopper:_--"Are these eggs fresh?"

_Apprentice:_--"Yes, ma'am, they be. "

_Shopper:_--"How long since they were laid?"

_Apprentice:_--"'Tain't ten minutes, ma'am--I know, I laid them eggsthere myself. "

PROPERTY

The indignant householder held up before the policeman the dead cat thathad been lying by the curb three days. 

"What am I to do with this?" he demanded. 

"Take it to headquarters, " was the serene reply. "If nobody claims itwithin a reasonable time, it's your property. "

PROVIDENCE

The _babu_ explained with great politeness the complete failure of ayoung American member of the shooting party in India to bag any game:

"The sahib shot divinely but it is true that Providence was all mercifulto the birds. "

PRUDENCE

Sandy MacTavish was a guest at a christening party in the home of afellow Scot whose hospitality was limited only by the capacity of thecompany. The evening was hardly half spent when Sandy got to his feet, and made the round of his fellow guests, bidding each of them a veryaffectionate farewell. The host came bustling up, much concerned. 

"But, Sandy, mon, " he protested, "Ye're nae goin' yet, with the evenin'just started?"

"Nay, " declared the prudent MacTavish, "I'm no' goin' yet. But I'mtellin' ye good-night while I know ye all. "

 * * *

The young man, who was notorious for the reckless driving of his car, was at his home in the country, when he received a telephone call, and awoman's voice asked if he intended to go motoring that afternoon. 

"No, not this afternoon, " he replied. "But why do you ask? Who are you?"

"That doesn't matter, " came the voice over the wire. "It's only that Iwish to send my little girl down the street on an errand. "

PUNISHMENT

The school teacher, after writing to the mother of a refractory pupil, received this note in reply:

"Dear miss, you writ me about whippin my boy i hereby give youpermission to lick him eny time it is necessary to lern him lessuns hesjist like his paw you have to lern him with a club please pound nolejinto him i want him to git it don't pay no attenshun to his paw eitheri'll handle him. "

 * * *

The little boy dashed wildly around the corner, and collided with thebenevolent old gentleman, who inquired the cause of such haste. 

"I gotta git home fer maw to spank me, " the boy panted. 

"Bless my soul!" exclaimed the old gentleman, "I can't understand yourbeing in such a hurry to be spanked. "

"I ain't. But if I don't git there 'fore paw, he'll gimme the lickin'. "

 * * *

The little lad sat on the curb howling lustily. A passer-by halted toask what was the matter. The boy explained between howls that his fatherhad given him a licking. The sympathizer attempted consolation:

"But you must be a little man, and not cry about it. All fathers have topunish their children sometimes. "

The lad ceased howling long enough to snort contemptuously, and toexplain:

"Huh! my paw ain't like other boys' paws. He plays the bass drum in theband!"

PUNS

"What is your name?" demanded the judge of the prisoner in the MunicipalCourt. 

"Locke Smith, " was the answer, and the man made a bolt for the door. 

He was seized by an officer and hauled back. 

"Ten dollars or ten days, " said the magistrate. 

"I'll take the ten dollars, " announced the prisoner. 

Finally, he paid the fine, but he added explicit information as to hisopinion of the judge. Then he leaped for the door again, only to becaught and brought back a second time. 

The judge, after fining the prisoner another ten dollars, admonished himseverely, in these words:

"If your language had been more chaste and refined, you would not havebeen chased and refined. "

 * * *

A member of the Lambs' Club had a reputation for lack of hospitality inthe matter of buying drinks for others. On one occasion, two actorsentered the bar, and found this fellow alone at the rail. They invitedhim to drink, and, as he accepted, he announced proudly:

"I'm writing my autobiography. "

"With the accent on the 'bi'?" One of the newcomers suggestedsarcastically. 

"No, " his friend corrected, "with the accent on the 'auto'. "

 * * *

The stallion that had been driven in from the plains was a magnificentcreature, but so fierce that no man dared approach closely. Then theamiable lunatic appeared on the scene. He took a halter, and wenttoward the dangerous beast. And as he went, he muttered softly:

"So, bossy; so bossy; so bossy. "

The stallion stood quietly and allowed the halter to be slipped over hishead without offering any resistance. 

The horse was cowed. 

 * * *

When Mr. Choate was ambassador to the Court of St. James, he was presentat a function where his plain evening dress contrasted sharply with theuniforms of the other men. At a late hour, an Austrian diplomat approachhim, as he stood near the door, obviously taking him for a servant, andsaid:

"Call me a cab. "

Choate answered affably:

"You're a cab, sir. "

The diplomat indignantly went to the host and explained that a servanthad insulted him. He pointed to Choate. Explanations ensued, and thediplomat was introduced to the American, to whom he apologized. 

"That's all right, " declared Choate, smiling. "If you had beenbetter-looking, I'd have called you a hansom cab. "

PUZZLE

The humorist offered his latest invention in the way of a puzzle to theassembly of guests in the drawing-room:

"Can you name an animal that has eyes and cannot see; legs and cannotwalk, but can jump as high as the Woolworth Building?"

Everybody racked his brains during a period of deep silence, and rackedin vain. Finally, they gave it up and demanded the solution. Theinventor of the puzzle beamed. 

"The answer, " he said, "is a wooden horse. It has eyes and cannot see, and legs and cannot walk. "

"Yes, " the company agreed. "But how does it jump as high as theWoolworth Building?"

"The Woolworth Building, " the humorist explained, "can't jump. "

QUARRELSOME

The applicant for the position of cook explained to the lady why she hadleft her last place:

"To tell the truth, mum, I just couldn't stand the way the master andthe mistress was always quarreling. "

"That must have been unpleasant, " the lady agreed. 

"Yis, mum, " the cook declared, "they was at it all the time. When itwasn't me an' him, it was me an' her. "

QUESTIONS

It was a rule of the club that anyone asking a question which he himselfcould not answer must pay a fine. One of the members presented aquestion as to why a ground-squirrel in digging left no dirt around theentrance to its hole. He was finally called on for the answer, andexplained that of course the squirrel began at the bottom and dugupward. 

"Excellent!" a listener laughed. "But how does the squirrel manage toreach the bottom?"

"That, " said the other with a grin, "is your question. "

RAILROAD

A railroad was opened through a remote region, and on the first run overthe line, the engineer overtook a country boy riding his horse along theroad bed. The engineer whistled, and the boy whipped. The train wasforced to a crawl with the cowcatcher fairly nipping at the horse'sheels. Finally, the engineer leaned from the cab window and shouted:

"You dum fool, why dont ye git offen the track?"

The fleeting boy screamed an answer:

"No, sirree! Ye'd ketch me in a jiffy on thet-thar ploughed ground. "

RECOGNITION

The office telephone was out of order. An employee of the company wassent to make repairs. After a period of labor, he suggested to thegentleman occupying the office the calling up of some one over the wirein order to test the working of the instrument. The gentleman obliginglycalled for the number of his own home in the suburbs. When theconnection was made, he called into the transmitter:

"Maria!" and after a pause, "Maria!" and again "Maria!" There followed afew seconds of waiting, and he repeated his call in a peremptory tone, "Maria!"

The electric storm that had been gathering broke at this moment. A boltof lightning hit the telephone wires. The gentleman was hurled violentlyunder his desk. Presently, he crawled forth in a dazed condition, andregarded the repair man plaintively. 

"That's her!" he declared. "The telephone works fine. "

REFORM

Abe Jones was a colored man who made a living by chicken-stealing. Hewas converted at a camp meeting. When the elder was receivingtestimonies from the mourners' bench, he at last called on Abe:

"Brother, " he exhorted, "won't you tell the congregation now what theLord has done for you?"

Abe got to his feet awkwardly, and mumbled his response in a tone tingedwith bitterness:

"It looks as though the Lawd done ruint me. "

RELIABILITY

The Southern lady saw old 'Rastus setting out with his fishing tacklefor a day on the river, and she deemed it a fitting time to rebuke himfor his notorious idleness, since she and everybody else knew that theentire family was supported by the industry of 'Rastus' old wife as awasherwoman. 

"'Rastus, " she said severely, "do you think it's right to leave yourwife hard at work over the washtub while you pass your time fishing?"

"Yassum, ma'am, " replied the old darky earnestly. "It's all right. Mahwife don' need any watchin'. She'll wuk jes' as hard as if I was dah. "

REPENTANCE

"When the Devil was sick, the Devil a monk would be: When the Devil waswell, the devil a monk was he. "

REPETITION

The little girl had been naughty in school. By way of punishment, shewas directed by the teacher to remain in her seat after the sessionuntil she had written an original composition containing not less thanfifty words. In a surprisingly short space of time, she offered thefollowing, and was duly excused:

"I lost my kitty, and I went out and called, Come, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty. "

RESIGNATION

The physician, afer an examination, addressed the wife of the sick manin a tone of grave finality:

"I am afraid your husband is beyond help. I can hold out no hope of hisrecovery. "

This candor was offensive to the patient, who protested with whatviolence was permitted by a very scanty breath:

"Here, hold on! What are you gittin' at? I ain't a-goin' to snuff out!"

The wife interposed in a soothing voice:

"You leave it to the doctor, dearie--he knows best. "

REVOLUTION

At a reception given by the Daughters of the Revolution in New York Cityappeared a woman from one of the Latin-American States. She wore alarge number of decorations and insignia. It was explained that she wasa Daughter of all two hundred and thirty-eight revolutions in her owncountry. 

REWARD OF MERIT

A very tidy young man was distressed by his wife's carelessness inattire at home. He was especially annoyed by a torn skirt, which hiswife was forever pinning and never mending. Being a tidy man, he hadacquired some skill with a needle in his bachelor days. With theintention of administering a rebuke to his wife, he set to work on theskirt during her absence and sewed it up neatly. When, on her returnhome, he showed her what he had done, she was touched and kissed himtenderly. Soon she left the room, to return with an armful of garments. 

"Here are some more for you, darling, " she announced happily. "Don'thurry. Just do them whenever you have time. "

REWARD OF VIRTUE

The little boy put a serious question to his mother:

"Please, mama, tell me: If I'm a good boy, and I die, and go to heaven, will God give me a nice ickle devil to play with?"

 * * *

The teacher directed the class to compose fiction narrative. The mostinteresting story submitted ran as follows:

"A poor young man fell in love with the daughter of a rich lady who kepta candy store. The poor young man could not marry the rich candy lady'sdaughter because he had not money enough to buy any furniture. 

"A wicked man offered to give the young man twenty-five dollars if hewould become a drunkard. The young man wanted the money very much, so hecould marry the rich candy lady's daughter, but when he got to thesaloon he turned to the wicked man and said, 'I will not become adrunkard even for twenty-five dollars. Get from behind me, Satan. '

"On his way home he found a pocketbook containing a million dollars ingold. Then the young lady consented to marry him. They had a beautifulwedding, and the next day they had twins. Thus you see that Virtue hasits own reward. "

RULING PASSION

Noah Webster, the maker of the dictionary, carried his exact knowledgeas to the meaning of words into ordinary speech. A story told ofhim--which is, of course, untrue--illustrates the point. 

Noah's wife entered the kitchen, to find him kissing the cook. 

"Why, Noah, " she exclaimed, "I am surprised!"

The lexicographer regarded his wife disapprovingly, and rebuked her:

"_You_ are astonished--_I_ am surprised. "

SAFETY FIRST

"Come over here!" called a friend to an intoxicated citizen whom he sawacross the street. 

The man addressed blinked and shook his head. 

"Come over there?" he called back. "Why, it's all I can do to stay whereI am. "

 * * *

Amos Perkins was hired in the spring to shoot muskrats, which wereoverrunning the mill dam. An acquaintance paused to chat one day withAmos, who was sitting at ease on the bank of the stream, his gun safelyout of reach. 

"I hear the muskrats are undermining the dam, " the acquaintance said. 

"So they be, so they be!" Amos agreed. 

"Hi! there goes one!" cried the visitor, pointing. "Shoot! Why don't youshoot, man?"

Amos spat tobacco juice emphatically, and answered: "Huh! think I wantto lose my job?"

 * * *

The disgruntled fisherman at the club lifted his voice and complainedloudly. He protested against the base trickery of his two companions onthe trip. 

"It was agreed, " he explained, "before we started, that the one whocaught the first fish must stand treat to a supper. Now, you'd hardlybelieve it, but it's a fact that when we got to fishing, both thosefellows deliberately refused to pull in their lines when they had bites, just so I'd be stuck. "

"That was a mean trick, " one of the auditors asserted sympathetically. "How much did the supper cost you?"

The grouchy fisherman relaxed slightly. 

"Oh, " he explained, "it wasn't as bad as that. You see, I didn't haveany bait on my hook. "

 * * *

A G. A. R. Veteran told to some members of the American Legion the storyof a private in the Civil War, who during the first battle of Bull Runfound a post hole into which he lowered himself, so that only his eyeswere above the level of the ground. An officer, noting this display ofcowardice, darted to the spot, and with a threatening gesture of hissword, shouted fiercely, "get out of that hole!"

But the skulker did not come out. On the contrary, he put his thumb tohis nose and waggled his fingers insultingly. 

"Not on your life, " he retorted. "Hunt a hole for yourself. This belongsto me. "

 * * *

The woman hesitated over buying the silver service. 

"Of course, " she said, "I take your word for it that it's solid silver, but somehow it doesn't look it. "

"A great advantage, ma'am, " the shopkeeper declared suavely. "Thatservice can be left right out in plain sight, and no burglar will lookat it twice. "

SANITY

It is a matter of uncommon knowledge that personal perfection is a mosttrying thing to live with. In the United States recently, a woman suedfor divorce, alleging in the complaint against her husband that he hadno faults. It was probably a subtle subconscious realization of theunpleasantness, even the unendurableness, of perfection in the domesticcompanionship that caused the obvious misprint in the following extractfrom a Scotch editorial concerning the new divorce legislation:

"But the Bill creates new grounds for the dissolution of the marriagebond, which are unknown to the law of Scotland. Cruelty, incurablesanity, or habitual drunkenness are proposed as separate grounds ofdivorce. "

SARCASM

The noted story-teller at a dinner party related an anecdote, and was atfirst gratified by the hearty laughter of an old lady among the guests, and later a little suspicious, as her mirth continued. As he stared ather, puzzled, she spoke in explanation:

"Oh, that story is such a favorite of mine: the first time I heard it Ilaughed so hard that I kicked the foot-board off my crib. "

 * * *

The ponderous judge interrupted the eloquent lawyer harshly:

"All you say goes in at one ear and out at the other. "

"What is to prevent it?" was the retort. 

SAVING

A servant, who indulged in sprees during which he spent all his money, was advised by his master to save against a rainy day. A week later, the master inquired if any saving had been accomplished. 

"Oh, yes, indeed, sir, " the servant responded. "But, you see, sir, itrained yesterday, and it all went. "

SCHEDULE

Cooks' tourists travel exactly according to schedule. The followingconversation was overheard in Rome between a mother and daughter:

"Is this Rome, ma?"

"What day of the week is it, Matilda?"

"Tuesday. What of it?"

"If it's Tuesday, it must be Rome. "

 * * *

The man about to take a train was worried by the station clocks. Therewas twenty minutes difference between the one in the office and the onein the waiting-room. Finally, he questioned a porter. That worthy made acareful survey of the two clocks, and shook his head doubtfully. Then, he brightened suddenly, and said:

"It don't make a single mite of difference about the clocks. The traingoes at four-ten, no matter what. "

SEASICKNESS

On the first morning of the voyage, the vessel ran into a nasty choppysea, which steadily grew worse. There were twenty-five passengers at thecaptain's table for dinner, and he addressed them in an amiablewelcoming speech:

"I hope that all twenty-five of you will have a pleasant trip. " The soupappeared, and he continued: "I sincerely hope that this little assemblyof twenty-four will thoroughly enjoy the voyage. I look upon thesetwenty-two smiling faces as a father upon his family, for I amresponsible for the safety of this group of seventeen. And now I askthat all fourteen of you join me in drinking to a merry trip. Indeed, Ibelieve that we eight are most congenial, and I applaud the good fortunethat brought these three persons to my table. You and I, my dear sir, are---- Here, steward, clear away all those dishes, and bring me thefish. "

 * * *

The pair on their honeymoon were crossing the Channel, and the movementof the waves seemed to be going on right inside the bride. In a fleetingmoment of internal calm she murmured pathetically to the bridegroom inwhose arms she was clasped:

"Oh, Jimmy, Jimmy, do you love me?"

"My darling!" he affirmed. "You know I love you with all my heart andsoul--I worship you, I adore you, my precious oontsy-woontsy!"

The boat reeled, and a sickening pang thrilled through all thefoundations of the bride's being. 

"O dear, O dear!" she gasped. "I hoped that might help a little, but itdidn't--not a bit!"

 * * *

The seasick voyager on the ocean bowed humbly over the rail and madelibation to Neptune. The kindly old gentleman who stood near remarkedsympathetically:

"You have a weak stomach. "

The victim paused in his distressing occupation to snort indignantly:

"Weak? Humph! I guess I can throw as far as anybody on this ship. "

 * * *

The wife of the seasick passenger was about to leave the stateroom fordinner. She inquired of her husband solicitously:

"George, shall I have the steward bring some dinner to you here?"

"No, " was the reply, haltingly given between groans. 

"But I wish, my dear, you would ask him to take it on deck and throw itover the rail for me. "

 * * *

The moralizing gentleman at the club remarked ponderously:

"If there is anything in a man, travel will bring it out. "

One who had just landed from a rough crossing agreed bitterly:

"Especially ocean travel. "

SECTARIAN

Once upon a time a coach was held up by a road-agent. The driverexplained to the robber that his only passenger was a man, who wasasleep inside. The highwayman insisted that the traveler be awakened. "Iwant to go through his pockets!" he declared fiercely, with an oath. 

The bishop, when aroused, made gentle protests. 

"You surely would not rob a poor bishop!" he exclaimed. "I have no moneyworth your attention, and I am engaged on my duties as a bishop. "

The robber hesitated. 

"A bishop, eh?" he said thoughtfully. "Of what church?"

"The Episcopal. "

"The hell you are! That's the church I belong to! So long!. . . Driver, larrup them mules!"

 * * *

A Scotch Presbyterian clergyman tells the story of a parishioner whoformed a secession with a few others unable to accept the doctrines ofthe church. But when the clergyman asked this man if he and the othersworshiped together, the answer was:

"No. The fact is, I found that they accepted certain points to which Icould not agree, so I withdrew from communion with them. "

"So, then, " the clergyman continued, "I suppose you and your wife carryon your devotions together at home. "

"No, not exactly, " the man admitted. "I found that our views on certaindoctrines are not in harmony. So, there has been a division between us. Now, she worships in the northeast corner of the room and I in thesouthwest. "

SELF-BETRAYAL

The old lady was very aristocratic, but somewhat prim and precise. Nevertheless, when the company had been telling of college pranks, sherelaxed slightly, and told of a lark that had caused excitement inCambridge when she was a girl there. This was to the effect that twomaidens of social standing were smuggled into the second-story room of aHarvard student for a gay supper. The affair was wholly innocent, butsecrecy was imperative, to avoid scandal. The meal was hardly begun whena thunderous knock of authority came on the door. The young men actedswiftly in the emergency. Silently, one of the girls was lowered to theground from the window by a rope knotted under her arms. The second girlwas then lowered, but the rope broke when the descent was hardly halfcompleted. 

The old lady had related the incident with increasing animation, and atthis critical point in the narrative she burst forth:

"And I declare, when that rope broke, I just knew I was going to bekilled, sure!"

SERMON

The aged colored clergyman, who made up in enthusiasm what he lacked ineducation, preached a sermon on the verse of the Psalm, "Awake, Psalteryand Harp! I myself will awake right early. " The explanation of thewords, which preceded the exhortation, was as follows:

"Awake, Peasel Tree an' Ha'ap, I myself will awake airly. Dis yere Samwas wrote by de prophet Moses. Moses was mighty fond o' playin' on deha'ap all de day long, an' at night when he went to bed he'd hang up deha'ap on de limb ob a Peasel tree what grew on de outside o' de window, an' in de mawnin', when de sun would get up an' shine in his face, he'djump out o' bed, an' exclaim, 'Wake, Peasel Tree an' Ha'ap! I myselfwill awake airly!'"

SCAPEGOAT

Cousin Willie, aged ten, came for a visit to Johnnie, aged twelve. Johnnie's mother directed him to take the visitor out to play with hisboy friends in the neighborhood. 

"And be sure to have lots of fun, " she added. 

On the return of the boys, Willie, the guest, appeared somewhatdowncast, but Johnnie was radiant. 

"Did you have a good time?" his mother asked. 

"Bully!" Johnnie answered. 

"And lots of fun?"

"Oh, yes!"

"But Willie doesn't look very happy, " Johnnie's mother said doubtfully. 

"Well, you see, " Johnnie answered, beaming, "the rest of us, we had ourfun with Willie. "

SHEEP AND GOATS

The little girl was deeply impressed by the clergyman's sermon as to theseparation of the sheep and the goats. That night after she had gone tobed, she was heard sobbing, and the mother went to her, to ask what wasthe matter. 

"It's about the goats!" Jenny confessed at last. "I'm so afraid I am agoat, and so I'll never go to heaven. Oh, I'm so afraid I'm a goat!"

"My dear, " the mother assured her weeping child. "You're a sweet littlelamb. If you were to die to-night, you would go straight to heaven. " Herwords were successful in quieting the little girl, and she slept. 

But the following night Jenny was found crying again in her bed, andwhen her mother appeared she wailed:

"I'm afraid about the goats. "

"But mother has told you that you are a little lamb, and that you mustnever worry over being a goat. "

Jenny, however, was by no means comforted, and continued her sobs. 

"Yes, mamma, " she declared sadly, "I know that. But I'm afraid--awfulafraid you're a goat!"

SHIFTLESSNESS

The shiftless man, who preferred reading to labor, closed the book onFrench history, which he had been perusing with great interest, andaddressed his wife. 

"Do you know, Mary, " he asked impressively, "what I would have done if Ihad been in Napoleon's place?"

"Certainly!" the wife snapped. "You'd have settled right down on a farmin Corsica, and let it run itself. "

SHIPWRECK

The new member of the club listened with solemn interest to the variousstories that were told in the smoking room. They were good stories, andobviously lies, and each of them was a bigger lie than any that had gonebefore. Finally, the company insisted that the new member should relatea tale. He refused at first, but under pressure yielded, and gave avivid account of a shipwreck at sea during one of his voyages. Hedescribed the stress of the terrible situation with such power that hishearers were deeply impressed. He reached the point in his account whereonly the captain and himself and half a dozen others were left aboardthe doomed vessel, after the last of the boats had been lowered. 

"And then, " he concluded, "a vast wave came hurtling down on us. It wasso huge that it shut out all the sky. It crashed over the alreadysinking ship in a torrent of irresistible force. Under that dreadfulblow the laboring vessel sank, and all those left on board of her weredrowned. "

The narrator paused and there was a period of tense silence. Butpresently someone asked:

"And you--what became of you?"

"Oh, I, " was the reply, "why I was drowned with the rest of them. "

SLANDER

The business man's wife, who had called at his office, regarded thepretty young stenographer with a baleful eye. 

"You told me that your typewriter was an old maid, " she accused. 

The husband, at a loss, faltered in his reply, but at last contrived:

"Yes, but she's sick to-day, and sent her grandchild in her place. "

SLAVERY

A traveler in the South chatted with an aged negro, whom he met in theroad. 

"And I suppose you were once a slave?" he remarked. 

"Yes, suh, " the old colored man answered. 

"And, so, after the war, you gained your freedom, " the gentlemancontinued. 

But the ancient one shook his head sadly. 

"No, suh, " he declared with great emphasis. "Not perzactly, suh. Ididn't git mah freedom, suh, after de war--I done got married!"

SMELLS

An argument arose among a number of British officers during their timeof service in the Dardanelles, and wagers were made among them. Thequestion at issue was as to which smells the louder, a goat or a Turk. The colonel was made arbiter. He sat judicially in his tent, and a goatwas brought in. The colonel fainted. After the officer had been revived, and was deemed able to continue his duty as referee, a Turk was broughtinto the tent. The goat fainted. 

SOCIAL UPLIFT

The somewhat unpleasant person, who was a social worker, completed hercall on a dweller in the tenement district, and rose to depart. Theunwilling hostess shook her head at the visitor's promise to come again. 

"And excuse me if I don't return the call, " she vouchsafed. "Myself, I've got no time to go slummin'. "

 * * *

The philanthropic hostess entertained a party of children fromthe slums at her home. She addressed one particularly pretty andintelligent-looking little girl, who listened shyly. She urged the childto speak without embarrassment. The little one complied, aspiring:

"How many children have you?"

"Six, " the hostess answered, in surprise. 

"What a big family! You must be sure to look after them properly, and bevery careful to keep them clean. "

"I'll try to, certainly, " the lady declared, much amused. 

"Has your husband got a job?" the girl demanded crisply. 

"Well, no, " the hostess admitted. 

"How unfortunate! You know you must keep out of debt. "

"Really, you must not be impertinent, " was the reproof. 

"No, ma'am, " the child responded simply, "mother said I must talk like alady, and that's the way the ladies talk when they come to see us. "

SPANKING

Back in those days when corporal punishment was permitted to teachers, aminor teacher named Miss Bings complained to one of her superiors, MissManners, that she had spanked one particular boy, Thomas, until shecould spank him no more for physical fatigue. 

"When you want him spanked again, send him to me, " Miss Manners said. 

Next morning, Thomas came into the presence of Miss Manners, displayingan air that was downcast. The teacher regarded him with suspicion. 

"Did you come from Miss Bings?" she asked sharply. 

"Yes, ma'am, " Thomas admitted. 

"I thought as much!" On the instant, she skillfully inverted theyoungster over her lap, and whacked him in a most spirited manner. Thisduty done, as the wailings of the boy died away, she demanded sternly:

"And now what have you to say?"

"Please, ma'am, " Thomas answered brokenly, "Miss Bings wants thescissors!"

SPEED

In the business college, the instructor addressed the new classconcerning the merits of shorthand. In his remarks, he included thisstatement:

"It is a matter of record that it took the poet Gray seven years towrite his famous poem, 'Elegy in a Country Churchyard. ' Had he beenproficient in stenography, he could have done it in seven minutes. Wehave had students who have written it in that length of time. "

 * * *

The young lady interested in botany inquired of the gentleman who hadbeen traveling in the South. 

"What sort of a plant is the Virginia creeper?"

"That is not a plant, " was the answer, given wearily; "it's a railroad. "

SPELLING

Some time before Mr. Taft became President of the United States, he tookan extended trip in the mountains of West Virginia. On one occasion, hewas conveyed along the mountain roads in a buggy driven by a native ofthe region. As they came to a small stream, Mr. Taft, without anyparticular interest, inquired concerning the brook's name. So far as hecould understand, the answer was:

"This here are Swum-swum Crick. "

"What?" Mr. Taft demanded. 

In the repetition, the words sounded like:

"This here are Swoovel Crick. "

The questioner was so puzzled that he asked the mountaineer how the nameof the Creek was spelled. 

The native spat tobacco juice reflectively over the wheel, and thenspoke judicially:

"Waal, some spells it one way, an' some spells it another way; but in myjedgmint thar are no propeer way. "

 * * *

The clerk of the court directed the witness to spell his name. The manstarted his reply thus:

"_O_ double _t_, _i_ double _u_, _e_ double _l_, double _u_, double----"

The clerk interrupted:

"Please, begin again. "

The witness complied glibly:

"_O_ double _t_, _i_ double _u_, _e_ double _l_, double _u_, double_o_----"

The clerk groaned. The judge himself intervened: "What is your name?"

"Your Honor, it is Ottiwell Wood. I spell it: _O_ double _t_, _i_ double_u_, _e_ double _l_, double _u_, double _o_, _d_. "

SPINSTERHOOD

The old colored mammy took advantage of a wedding announcement toquestion her mistress, who remained a spinster still though approachingmiddle age. 

"When is you gwine to git married, missy?"

"I don't know, mammy, " was the thoughtful reply. "Really, I don't thinkI'll ever get married. "

A note of sadness in the speaker's voice moved the old woman to attemptphilosophical consolation:

"Well, they do say as how ole maids am the happies' kind after theyquits strugglin'. "

SPITE

The faithful old employee asked for a day off. The request was granted, with an inquiry as to what he intended to do on his holiday. 

"I think, " came the cautious answer, "I shall go to my wife's funeral. She died the other day. "

A few weeks later, the request for a day off was repeated. 

"And what are you going to do this time?" the employer asked. 

"I think, mebbe, I'll get married. "

"What! So soon after burying your wife?"

The faithful old employee smiled tolerantly, as he answered:

"Oh, well, I was never one to hold spite. "

SPORTSMANSHIP

In the party out after reed birds was a tyro at the sport. When at lasthe saw one of the birds walking about, he plumped down on his stomach, and took aim. A companion called to him sharply:

"You're not going to shoot the bird while it's walking?"

"No, " was the firm response; "I'll wait till it stops. "

SPRING

The teacher talked on the four seasons, telling how in the spring thenew life comes to the earth, with the growth of grasses and leaves andflowers, how this life matures in summer, and so on, and so on. Then shecalled on the class to repeat the information she had given. She askedone little boy about spring. 

"What do we find in the spring, George?"

George seemed very reluctant to answer, but when the teacher insisted heat last said:

"Why, ma'am, there's a frog, an' a lizard, an' a snake, an' a dead cat, but I didn't put the cat there. It was another boy. "

STAMMERING

On the occasion of a most interesting family event, Mr. Peedle, whodesired a son, paced the drawing-room in extreme agitation, until atlast the doctor appeared in the doorway. 

"Oh, oh, tell me, " he gasped, "what is it--a boy or a girl?"

"Tr-tr-tr--" the physician began stammeringly. 

Peedle paled. 

"Triplets! Merciful providence!"

"Qu-qu-qu--" spluttered the doctor. 

Peedle paled some more. 

"Quadruplets!" he moaned. 

"N-n-no!" the physician snapped. "Qu-qu-quite the contrary. Tr-tr-try totake it qu-quietly. It's a girl. "

STYLE

Two old friends met, and immediately found that they were equallydevoted to motoring. After a discussion of their various cars, onebethought himself to ask concerning the other's wife, whom he had neverseen. That lady was described by her husband, as follows:

"Nineteen-six model, limousine so to say, heavy tread, runs on low. "

"Self-starter?"

"You bet!"

SUNDAY SCHOOL

The young lady worker for the Sunday school called on the newly weddedpair. 

"I am endeavoring to secure new scholars, " she explained. "Won't yousend your children?"

When she was informed that there were no children in the family as yet, she continued brightly:

"But won't you please send them when you do have them?"

 * * *

The Sunday-school teacher examined his new class. 

"Who made the world?" he demanded. Nobody seemed to know. He repeatedthe question somewhat sternly. As the silence persisted, he frowned andspoke with increased severity:

"Children, I must know who made the world!"

Then, at last, a small boy piped up in much agitation:

"Oh, sir, please, sir, it wasn't me!"

SUPERMAN

It is told of Mrs. Gladstone that a number of ladies in her drawing-roomonce became engaged in earnest discussion of a difficult problem. Itchanced that at the time the great prime minister was in his studyupstairs. As the argument in the drawing-room became hopelesslyinvolved, a devout lady of the company took advantage of a lull to say:

"Ah, well, there is One above Who knows it all. "

Mrs. Gladstone beamed. 

"Yes, " she said proudly. "And William will be down directly to tell usall about it. "

SUPERSTITION

The superstitious sporting editor of the paper condemned the "HorseFair" by Rosa Bonheur. 

"Just look at those white horses!" he exclaimed disgustedly. "And not ared-headed girl in sight. "

SUSPENSE

The passionate lover wrote to his inamorata as follows:

"Adored of my soul:--If you love me, wear a red rose in your corsageto-night at the opera. If my devotion to you is hopeless, wear a whiterose. "

She wore a yellow rose. 

SUSPICION

The eminent politicians of opposing parties met on a train, and duringtheir chat discovered that they agreed concerning primaries. 

"It is the first time, " said one, "that we have ever agreed on a matterof public policy. "

"That is so, " the other assented. "The fact leads me to suspect that Iam wrong, after all in this matter of the primaries. "

SYMPATHY

A tramp devised a new scheme for working on the sympathy of thehousewife. After ringing the front door bell, he got on his knees, andbegan nibbling at the grass of the lawn. Presently the woman opened thedoor, and, in surprise at sight of him on all fours, asked what he wasdoing there. 

The tramp got to his feet shakily, and made an eloquent clutch at hisstomach as he explained:

"Dear madam, I am so hungry that like Nebuchadnezzar I just had to taketo eatin' grass. "

"Well, well, now ain't that too bad!" the woman cried. "You go rightinto the back yard--the grass there is longer. "

TACT

The senator from Utah was able to disarm by flattery the resentment of awoman at a reception in Washington, who upbraided him for that pluralityof wives so dear to Mormon precept and practice. 

"Alas, madam, " the senator declared with a touch of sadness in hisvoice, "we are compelled in Utah to marry a number of wives. "

His fair antagonist was frankly surprised. 

"What do you mean?" she demanded. 

The senator explained suavely:

"We have to seek there in several women the splendid qualities that hereare to be found in one. "

TALKING MACHINE

Many a man who has suffered from tongue-lashings at home will be movedto profound sympathy for the victim described as follows in a local newsitem of a country paper:

"Alice Jardine, a married woman, was charged with unlawfully woundingher husband, Charles Jardine, a laborer, by striking him with a pair oftongues. "

TAR AND FEATHERS

The victim of the Klu Klux Klan plucked some feathers from his neck withone hand, while he picked gingerly at the tar on his legs with theother. 

"The excitement, " he murmured, "rose to a terrible pitch, but it sooncame down. "

TASTE

A noted humorist once spent a few weeks with a tribe of western Indians. On his return, he was asked concerning his experiences. One questionwas:

"Did you ever taste any dog-feast stew?"

"Yes, " was the melancholy reply. "I tasted it twice--once when it wentdown, and once when it came up. "

 * * *

It's all a matter of taste, as the old lady said when she kissed thecow. 

 * * *

The master of the house was hungry at breakfast, and swallowed a goodpart of his bacon before he tasted it. Then he took time to protestviolently to his wife against the flavor of the food. The good ladyoffered no apology, but rang for the servant. When the latter appeared, the mistress asked a question that was little calculated to soothe herhusband. 

"Maggie, " she inquired serenely, "what did you do with the bacon wepoisoned for the rats?"

TEARS

The kind lady stopped to tell the sobbing little girl not to cry, andshe offered as a convincing argument:

"You know it makes little girls homely. "

The child stared belligerently at the benevolent lady, and thenremarked:

"You must have cried an awful lot when you was young. "

TENDER MEMORIES

"Please tell me, James, " directed the young lady teacher, "whereshingles were first used?"

"I could, ma'am, " little Jimmie replied in great embarrassment, "but I'drather not. "

TERMINOLOGY

When the bishop was entertained at an English country house, the butlercoached carefully the new boy who was to carry up the jug of hot waterfor shaving in the morning. 

"When you knock, " the butler explained, "and he asks, 'Who's there?'then you must say, 'It's the boy, my Lord. '"

The lad, in much nervous trepidation, duly carried up the hot water, butin answer to the bishop's query as to who was at the door, he announced:

"It's the Lord, my boy!"

The butler overheard and was horrified. He hammered into the youth'sconsciousness, the fact that a bishop must be addressed as my lord. Finally, he was satisfied that the boy understood, and permitted him toassist in serving the dinner that night. The youngster was sent to thebishop to offer a plate of cheese. With shaking knees, he presented thedish to the prelate, and faltered:

"My God, will you have some cheese?"

 * * *

The master of the house returned from business somewhat early. He didnot find his wife about, and so called downstairs to the cook:

"Bridget, do you know anything of my wife's whereabouts?"

"No, sor, " Bridget answered, "Sure, I know nothin' but I'm thinkin', sor, it's likely they're in the wash. "

TESTIMONY

Paul Smith, the famous hotel-keeper in the Adirondacks, told of a lawsuit that he had with a man named Jones in Malone. 

"It was this way: I sat in the courtroom before the case opened with mywitnesses around me. Then Jones bustled in. He stopped abruptly, andlooked my witnesses over carefully. Presently he turned to me. 

"'Paul, ' he asked, 'are those your witnesses?'

"'They are, ' I replied. 

"'Then you win, ' he exclaimed. 'I've had them witnesses twice myself. '"

 * * *

The grateful woman on the farm in Arkansas wrote to the vendors of thepatent medicine:

"Four weeks ago I was so run down that I could not spank the baby. Aftertaking three bottles of your Elegant Elixir I am now able to thrash myhusband in addition to my other housework. God bless you!"

 * * *

In one of the most desolate areas of Montana, a claim was taken by a manfrom Iowa. The nearest neighbor, from twenty miles away, visited thehomesteader's shack, and introduced himself. 

"Where did you come from?" the visitor inquired presently, and when hehad been told:

"I can't understand why anybody should want to get out of that civilizedcountry to come and live in this lonesomeness. "

"Fact was, " the man from Iowa explained somberly, "I didn't exactly likeit down there any more. You see, it was this way. They got to tellingthings about me. Why, they even said I was a liar and hoss thief, and nobetter than I ought to be. And, by Jemima, I jest pulled out and wentright away from them scandalous folks. "

"Well, I swan!" the visitor exclaimed indignantly. "You can bet Iwouldn't leave a place for any reason like that. I'd make them provewhat they said. "

The homesteader sighed dismally as he answered:

"That's jest the trouble--they did prove it!"

THREAT

The mother, who was a believer in strict discipline, sternly addressedher little daughter, who sat wofully shrinking in the dentist's chair asthe ogre approached forceps in hand:

"Now, Letty, if you cry, I'll never take you to the dentist's again. "

THRIFT

A Scotchman was questioned by a friend:

"Mac, I hear ye have fallen in love wi' bonny Kate McAllister. "

"Weel, Sanders, " Mac replied, "I was near--veera near--doin' it, but thebit lassy had nae siller, so I said to meaself, 'Mac, be a mon. ' And Iwas a mon, and noo I jist pass her by. "

 * * *

The thrifty housewife regarded her dying husband with stern disapprovalas he moaned and tossed restlessly from side to side. 

"William Henry, " she rebuked him, "you jest needn't kick and squirm so, and wear them best sheets all out, even if you be a-dyin'. "

TIME FLIES

The ardent lover heard the clock strike the hours--first nine, then ten, then eleven. At the sound of twelve strokes, he burst forthpassionately:

"How fleet are the hours in your presence, my beloved!"

"Don't be silly!" the girl chided. "That's pa setting the clock. "

TIT FOR TAT

The prize bull-dog attacked a farmer, who defended himself with apitchfork, and in doing so killed the dog. The owner was greatlydistressed, and reproached the farmer. 

"Why didn't you use the other end of the fork, " he demanded, "and justbeat him off, without killing him?"

"I would have, " the farmer answered, "if he had come at me with theother end. "

TOBACCO

The native pointed with pride to two doddering ancients hobblingpainfully down the village street, and informed the stranger:

"Them fellers is the Dusenbury twins--ninety-eight year old!" Thevisitor was duly impressed, and asked to what the pair of venerablecitizens attributed their long life. 

"It's kind o' which and t' other, " the native confessed. "Obadiahdeclares its all along o' his chewin' an' smokin' an' snuffin' day inan' day out, fer nigh onto a hundred year; an' Ebenezer declares he hashis health becase he never touched the filthy weed. "

TOILETTE DETAILS

The little girl who had observed certain details in the toilettepreparations of her elders, was observed by her mother at work over hermost elaborate doll in a somewhat strange manner. 

"Whatever are you trying to do with your doll, Mary?" the mother asked. 

"I'm just going to put her to bed, mummy, " the child replied seriously. "I've taken off her hair, but I can't get her teeth out. "

TONGUE

An old lady in the London parish of the famous Doctor Gill made anuisance of herself by constant interference in the affairs of others. As a gossip she was notorious. It appeared to her that the neckbandsworn by the Doctor were longer than was fitting. She therefore tookoccasion to visit the clergyman, and harangued him at length on thesinfulness of pride. Then she exhibited a pair of scissors, andsuggested that she should cut down the offending neckbands to a sizefitting her ideas of propriety. The Doctor listened patiently to herexhortation, and at the end offered her the neckbands on which to workher will. She triumphantly trimmed them to her taste, and returned theshorn remnants to the minister. 

"And now, " said the Doctor, "you must do me a good turn also. "

"That I will, Doctor, " the woman declared heartily. "What can it be?"

"Well, " the clergyman explained, "you have something about you which isa deal too long and which causes me and many others such trouble, that Ishould like to see it shorter. "

"Indeed, dear Doctor, I shall not hesitate to gratify you. What is it?See, here are the scissors! Use them as you please. "

"Come, then, " said the Doctor, "good sister, put out your tongue. "

TREACHERY

The Italian workman in the West was warned to look out for rattlesnakes. He was assured, however, that a snake would never strike until aftersounding the rattles. One day, while seated on a log, eating his lunch, the Italian saw a rattlesnake coiled ready to strike. He lifted his legscarefully, with the intention of darting away on the other side of thelog the moment the rattles should sound their warning. But just as hisfeet cleared the top of the log, the snake struck out and its fangs wereburied in the wood only the fraction of an inch below the Italian'strousers. The frightened man fled madly, but he took breath to shriekover his shoulder:

"Son of a gun! Why you no ringa da bell?"

TREASURE TROVE

An old negro, who had almost attained the century mark, nearly blind, almost completely disabled, without friends, relations, or money, felthimself about to die, and stealthily made his way into a farmer's barn, where he burrowed into the haymow. But the farmer had observed the man'sentrance, and after getting his shotgun, he hurried to the barn. 

"I got you!" he cried savagely. "Dog gone you! I got you!"

The moribund derelict thrust his black face from the mow, and showed histoothless gums in a grin, as he answered:

"An' a great git you got!"

TRIAL

The colored man was before the court, accused of horse-stealing. Theprosecuting attorney read the indictment sternly, and then asked:

"Are you guilty, or not guilty?"

The prisoner wriggled perplexedly, and then grinned propitiatingly as hesaid:

"Now, suh, boss, ain't dat perzakly de ting we'se done gwine diskiver indis-yere trial?"

TRIPLETS

When the domestic event was due, the prospective father, being orderedout of the house, celebrated the occasion with many friends in a numberof saloons. He celebrated so well that the clock was striking three inthe morning when he entered the house. A nurse hurried to him, and undidsome wrappings that revealed three tiny faces. The father staredreproachfully at the clock in the hall, and then, again regarding hisgroup of children, spoke earnestly:

"Oi'm not superstitious, but Oi thank hivin Oi didn't come home attwelve!"

TRUTH-TELLERS

The little girl evidently appreciated the fact that all men and womenare liars, for _Punch_ records the following as the dialogue between herand her mother when she had been caught in a fib:

_Mother:_ "It is very naughty to tell untruths, Kitty. Those who do so, never go to heaven. "

_Kitty:_ "Don't you ever tell an untruth, Mummy?"

_Mother:_ "No, dear--never. "

_Kitty:_ "Well, you'll be fearfully lonely, won't you, with only GeorgeWashington?"

TYPOGRAPHICAL ERROR

The woman lecturing on dress reform was greatly shocked when she readthe report as published in the local paper. The writer had been innocentenough, for his concluding sentence was:

"The lady lecturer on dress wore nothing that was remarkable. "

But the merry compositor inserted a period, which was left undisturbedby the proofreader, so that the published statement ran:

"The lady lecturer on dress wore nothing. That was remarkable. "

 * * *

The poet, in a fine frenzy, dashed off a line that was really superb:

"See the pale martyr in his sheet of fire. "

The devilish compositor so tangled the words that, when the poem waspublished, this line read:

"See the pale martyr with his shirt on fire. "

 * * *

The critic, in his review of the burlesque, wrote:

"The ladies of Prince Charming's household troops filled their parts toperfection. "

The compositor, in his haste, read an _n_ for the _r_ in the word_parts_, and the sentence, thus changed, radically in its significance, duly appeared in the morning paper. 

VALUES

An American girl who married a Bavarian baron enjoyed playing LadyBountiful among the tenants on her husband's estate. On the death of thewife of one of the cottagers, she called to condole with the bereavedwidower. She uttered her formal expressions of sympathy with him in hisgrief over the loss of his wife, and she was then much disconcerted byhis terse optimistic comment:

"But it's a good thing, your ladyship, that it wasn't the cow. "

Wives are to be had for the asking; cows are not. 

VANITY

The fair penitent explained to the confessor how greatly she was grievedby an accusing conscience. She bewailed the fact that she was sadlygiven over to personal vanity. She added that on this very morning shehad gazed into her mirror and had yielded to the temptation of thinkingherself beautiful. 

"Is that all, my daughter?" the priest demanded. 

"Then, my daughter, " the confessor bade her, "go in peace, for to bemistaken is not to sin. "

VICTORY

That celebrated statue, the Winged Victory, has suffered during thecenturies to the extent of losing its head and other less vital parts. When the Irish tourist was confronted by this battered figure in themuseum, and his guide had explained that this was the famous statue ofvictory, he surveyed the marble form with keen interest. 

"Victory, is ut?" he said, "Thin, begorra, Oi'd loike to see the otherfellow. "

WAR

A report has come from Mexico concerning the doings of threerevolutionary soldiers who visited a ranch, which was the property of anAmerican spinster and her two nieces. The girls are pretty andcharming, but the aunt is somewhat elderly and much faded, thoughevidently of a dauntless spirit. The three soldiers looked over theproperty and the three women, and then declared that they were tired offighting, and had decided to marry the women and make their home on theranch. 

The two girls were greatly distressed and terrified, but even in theirmisery they were unselfish. 

"We are but two helpless women, " they said in effect, "and if we must, we bow to our cruel fate. But please--oh, please--spare our dear auntie. Do not marry her. "

At this point, their old-maid relation spoke up for herself:

"Now, now, you girls--you mind your own business. War is war. "

 * * *

"How do countries come to go to war?" the little boy inquired, lookingup from his book. 

"For various reasons, " explained the father. "Now, there was Germany andRussia. They went to war because the Russians mobilized. "

"Not at all, my dear, " the wife interrupted. "It was because theAustrians--"

"Tut, tut, my love!" the husband remonstrated. "Don't you suppose Iknow?"

"Certainly not--you are all wrong. It was because--"

"Mrs. Perkins, I tell you it was because--"

"Benjamin, you ought to know better, you have boggled--"

"Your opinion, madam, has not been requested in this matter. "

"Shut up! I won't have my child mistaught by an ignoramus. "

"Don't you dare, you impudent--"

"And don't you dare bristle at me, or I'll--"

"Oh, never mind!" the little boy intervened. "I think I know now howwars begin. "

 * * *

At our entry into the World War, a popular young man enlisted and beforesetting forth for camp in his uniform made a round of farewell calls. The girl who first received him made an insistent demand:

"You'll think of me every single minute when you're in those stupid oldtrenches!"

"Every minute, " he agreed solemnly. 

"And you'll kiss my picture every night. "

"Twice a night, " he vowed, with the girl's pretty head on the shoulderof the new uniform coat. 

"And you'll write me long, long letters?" she pleaded. 

"I'll write every spare minute, " he assured her, "and if I haven't anyspare minutes, I'll take 'em anyhow. "

After a tender interval punctuated with similar ardent promises, he wentaway from there, and called on another girl. In fact, he called on tenseparate and distinct pretty girls, and each of them was tender andsought his promises, which he gave freely and ardently and when it wasall done with, he communed with himself somewhat sadly. 

"I do hope, " he said wearily, "there won't be much fighting to do overthere--for I'm going to be awfully busy. "

WEATHER

The old colored attendant at the court house had a formula foraddressing the judge:

"What's the news this mawnin', Jedge?"

And the judge's habitual reply was to the effect that there was no newsin particular. 

But one morning, in answer to the usual query, there came a variation:

"Our country has declared war against Spain. " The darky scratched hishead thoughtfully, then rolled his eyes to squint at the cloudless blueof the sky, and finally remarked in a pleased tone:

"They shohly done picked a fine day fer it. "

WHALES

At the time when petroleum began to be used instead of whale oil forburning in lamps, a kindly old lady was deeply perturbed by the change. 

"What, " she wanted to know, "will the poor whales do now?"

WHISKERS

An elderly man was on his way home by train from a session of three daysat a convention of his political party. (This was antedating the era ofprohibition. ) The man's personal preferences had been gratified in thenominations at the convention, and he had celebrated in a way only toocommon in the bibulous period of our history. His absorption in otherthings and of other things had led him to neglect shaving throughout thethree days. Now, as he chanced to move his hand over his chin, itencountered the long growth of white bristles, and he was aroused to arealization of his neglect. To determine just how badly he needed ashave, the elderly gentleman opened his handbag, and fumbled in it for amirror. In his confused condition, he seized on a silver-backedhair-brush of the same set, pulled it forth, and held it up to his facewith the bristles toward him. He studied these with great care, groanedand muttered:

"I look worse than I thought for. Whatever will Sarah Ann say!"

WIDOW

One of the ladies assembled at the club was describing the wedding shehad just attended:

"And then, just as Frank and the widow started up the aisle to thealtar, every light in the church went out. "

The listeners exclaimed over the catastrophe. 

"And what did the couple do then?" someone questioned. 

"Kept on going. The widow knew the way. "

 * * *

A widow visited a spiritualistic medium, who satisfactorily producedthe deceased husband for a domestic chat. 

"Dear John, " the widow questioned eagerly, "are you happy now?"

"I am very happy, " the spook assured her. 

"Happier than you were on earth with me?" the widow continued, greatlyimpressed. 

"Yes, " John asserted, "I am far happier now than I was on earth withyou. "

"Oh, do tell me, John, " the widow cried rapturously, "what is it like inheaven?"

"Heaven!" the answer snapped. "I ain't in heaven!"

WIDOWHOOD

During the parade at the last encampment of the G. A. R. , a woman in thecrowd of spectators made herself not only conspicuous, but rather anuisance by the way she carried on. She waved a flag with such vigor asto endanger the bystanders and yelled to deafen them. An annoyed man inthe crowd after politely requesting her to moderate her enthusiasm, quite without effect, bluntly told her to shut up. 

"Shut up yourself!" she retorted in high indignation. "If you had buriedtwo husbands who had served in the war, you would be hurrahing, too. "

WIFE

A young skeptic in the congregation once interrupted Billy Sunday withthe question:

"Who was Cain's wife?"

The Evangelist answered in all seriousness:

"I honor every seeker after knowledge of the truth. But I have a word ofwarning for this questioner. Don't risk losing salvation by too muchinquiring after other men's wives. "

WILD WOMEN

The old sea captain was surrounded at the tea party, to which his wifehad dragged him, much against his will, by a group of women pesteringhim for a story from his adventures. Finally, at the end of hispatience, he began. 

"Once, I was shipwrecked on the coast of South America, and there I cameacross a tribe of wild women, who had no tongues. "

"Mercy!" exclaimed all the fair listeners with one voice. "But theycouldn't talk. "

"That, " snapped the old sea captain, "was what made them wild. "

WISDOM

It's a wise child that goes out of the room to laugh when the old manmashes his thumb. 

WOMAN

A cynic, considering the fact that women was the last thing made by God, asserts that the product shows both His experience and His fatigue. 

 * * *

The following extract is from the diary of a New England woman who livedin the eighteenth century:

"We had roast pork for dinner and the Doctor, who carved, held up a ribon his fork, and said: 'Here, ladies, is what Mother Eve was made of. '"

"'Yes, ' said sister Patty, 'and it is from very much the same kind ofcritter'. "

 * * *

The little girl reported at home what she had learned at Sunday Schoolconcerning the creation of Adam and Eve:

"The teacher told us how God made the first man and the first woman. Hemade the man first. But the man was very lonely with nobody to talk tohim. So God put the man to sleep. And while the man was asleep, God tookout his brains, and made a woman of them. "

WOMAN SUFFRAGE

During the agitation in behalf of woman's suffrage, an ardent advocatepleaded with a tired-looking married woman, and said:

"Just think! Wouldn't you love to go with your husband to the votingplace, and there cast your vote along with his?"

The woman shook her head decisively and she answered:

"For goodness sake! If there's one single thing that a man's able to doby himself, let him do it. "

 * * * * *

The following pages have been selected and edited by "Life's" famouscontributor

+ A. C. 

HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL

_Oldest Inhabitant:_ "I never expected to live till the end of the War, Ma'am; but now I'm hoping to be spared to see the beginning of the nextone. "

 * * *

"That's Betty Grant's new maid. "

"She's much smarter than her mistress. "

"Well, they can't _both_ afford to dress like that. "

 * * *

_Father:_ "Don't know the French for cat, and you had a French nurse foryears!"

_Hopeful:_ "But, Dad, we hadn't got a cat when Adele was with us. "

 * * *

_Betty_ (_after flash of lightning_): "Count quickly, Jenny! Make it asfar away as you possibly can. "

 * * *

_Employer:_ "John, I wish you wouldn't whistle at your work. "

_Boy:_ "I wasn't working, Sir; only whistling. "

 * * *

_Mistress:_ "Oh, Jane, how _did_ you break that vase?"

_Maid:_ "I'm very sorry, Mum; I was accidentally dusting. "

 * * *

_Little Girl_ (_in foreground_): "Mother, I suppose the bridegroom_must_ come to his wedding. "

 * * *

_Mistress:_ "I hope you're doing what you can to economise the food. "

_Cook:_ "Oh, yes'm. We've put the cat on milk-an'-water. "

 * * *

_Raw Hand_ (_at sea for first time and observing steamer's red and greenlights_): "'Ere's some lights on the starboard side, Sir. "

_Officer:_ "Well, what is it?"

_R. H. :_ "Looks to me like a drug store, Sir. "

 * * *

"Can you play bridge to-night?"

"Sorry. Going to hear some Wagner. "

"What--do you like the stuff?"

"Frankly, no; but I've heard on the best authority that his music's verymuch better than it sounds. "

 * * *

_Master:_ "But, Jenkins, the name of the complaint is not pewmonia. Surely, you've heard me again and again say '_pneu_monia'?"

_Man:_ "Well, Sir, I _'ave_; but I didn't like to correct you. "

 * * *

_Successful Poultry Farmer:_ "You'd be surprised what a difference theseincubators make. We can hatch out two or three hundred chicks everyweek. "

_Champion Dog Breeder:_ "Good gracious! How ever do you manage to findnames for them all?"

 * * *

_Small Boy_ (_who has been promised a visit to the Zoo to-morrow_): "Ihope we shall have a better day for it than Noah had. "

 * * *

_Mother:_ "Oh, Mary, why _do_ you wipe your mouth with the back of yourhand?"

_Mary:_ "'Cos it's so much cleaner than the front. "

 * * *

_Mother_ (_to child who has been naughty_): "Aren't you rather ashamedof yourself?"

_Child:_ "Well, Mother, I wasn't. But now that you've suggested it Iam. "

 * * *

A CONSOLING THOUGHT

_Belated Traveller_ (_surprised by a bull when taking a short cut to thestation_): "By jove! I believe I shall catch that train after all. "

 * * *

LIFE'S DIFFICULTIES

_Mother:_ "Why, what's the matter, darling?"

_Small daughter_ (_tearfully_): "Oh, Mums, I do so want to give thisworm to my hen. "

_Mother:_ "Then why don't you?"

_Small daughter_ (_with renewed wails_): "'C-cos I'm so afraid the wormwon't like it. "

 * * *

"Does God make lions, Mother?"

"Yes, dear. "

"But isn't he frightened to?"

 * * *

"Excuse me, officer, but have you seen any pickpockets about here with ahandkerchief marked 'Susan'?"

 * * *

_Mrs. Green to Mrs. Jones_ (_who is gazing at an aeroplane_): "My word!I shouldn't care for one of _them_ flying things to settle on me. "

 * * *

_The Woman:_ "Jazz stockings are the latest thing, dear. Here's apicture of a girl with them on. "

_The Man:_ "What appalling rot! Er--after you with the paper. "

 * * *

_Small Invalid_ (_to visitor_): "I've had a lot of diseases in mytime--measles--whooping-cough--influenza--tonsilitis--but (_modestly_) Ihaven't had dropsy yet. "

 * * *

THE SERVANT PROBLEM

_Lady:_ "And why did your last mistress----"

_Applicant_ (_loftily_): "Excuse me, Madam!"

_Lady:_ "Well--er--your last employer----"

_Applicant:_ "I beg your pardon, Madam!"

_Lady:_ "Well, then, your last--er--pray what do you call those in whoseservice you are engaged?"

_Applicant:_ "Clients, Madam. "

 * * *

_Small Girl:_ "I wonder how old Joan is?"

_Small Boy:_ "I bet she won't see four again. "

 * * *

_Mother:_ "Well, dear, has Jack kissed you under the mistletoe?"

_Mary_ (_demurely_): "Yes, Mummy. "

_Mother:_ "And did you enjoy it?"

_Mary:_ "Yes, thank you, Mummy; but (_very demurely_) _I struggled_. "

 * * *

"Mollie, you haven't said your prayers. "

"I'm going to say them in bed to-night. "

"Oh, Mollie, that isn't etiquette. "

 * * *

_Applicant for Situation:_ "And 'ow long did yer last cook oblige yer?"

 * * *

TROUBLES OF THE NEW-POOR

"George, will you go and speak to cook? I bought some tripe for dinnerand--she's still looking at it through her lorgnette. "

 * * *

"I hear you've taken up golf. What do you go round in?"

"Well, usually in a sweater. "

 * * *

_Small Boy_ (_walking round links with his father_): "Daddy, here's aball for you. "

_Father:_ "Where did you get that from?"

_Small Boy:_ "It's a lost ball, Daddy. "

_Father:_ "Are you sure it's a lost ball?"

_Small Boy:_ "Yes, Daddy; they're still looking for it. "

 * * *

_Small Boy_ (_toying with dull blanc-mange_): "Please may I have an iceinstead of finishing this--'cos I feel sick?"

 * * *

THE NEW APPRECIATION

_Wife_ (_habitué of the Ring, gazing after stranger who has knocked herhusband down_): "That was a lovely upper-cut he gave you, George. Iwonder who he is?"

 * * *

_Lady:_ "I've just been making my side ache over your latest book. "

_Author_ (_delighted_): "Oh, really. Did you find it so amusing?"

_Lady:_ "Well, the fact is I went to sleep on the top of it. "

 * * *

_Employer_ (_inspecting a very inflated bill for work_): "Look here--howdid you get at this amount?"

_Odd Jobs Man:_ "Well, Sir, didn't know how you'd prefer me to charge itup, so I just charged by time. "

_Employer:_ "Oh, really! I thought you must have been charging byeternity. "

 * * *

_Tourist:_ "Have you any cold meat?"

_Waiter:_ "Well, we have some that's nearly cold, Sir. "

 * * *

_Lady:_ "If you please, Cook, may we have steak and onions for lunchto-day?"

_Cook:_ "You can have steak, but I'm afraid I can't let you have onions. You see, I'm going out this afternoon, and onions always make my eyes sored. "

 * * *

_Small Boy_ (_on being told by cousin that she is engaged to bemarried_): "Oh! (_long pause_) and what did your husband say when heengaged you?"

 * * *

_Master:_ "But why do you want to get married, Jones?"

_Butler:_ "Well, Sir, _I don't want my name to die out_. "

 * * *

_Artist_ (_in desperation_): "That, Sir, I consider the finest in myexhibition. You can have it for half the catalogue price. "

_The Visitor:_ "Bless my soul! You don't say so. By the way, what is theprice of the catalogue?"

 * * *

"Well, Mollie, how do you like your new teacher?"

"I half like her, and I half don't like her. But I think I half don'tlike her most. "

 * * *

"Please, Mr. Grafto, the gentleman on the next floor presents hiscompliments and says, seeing as how you can foretell the future, wouldyou be so good as to let him know how long it will be before your bathstops overflowing through his ceiling?"

 * * *

_Old Lady_ (_interrogating her chauffeur's small boy_): "Well, my littleman, and do you know who I am?"

_Small Boy:_ "Yes, you're the old lady what goes for rides in my daddy'scar. "

 * * *

_Parent:_ "I should like you to have 'good' in your report, and notalways 'fair. '"

_Young Hopeful:_ "I daresay you would, Dad. But, you see, I'm anordinary boy of ordinary parents, and that's an ordinary report. "

 * * *

_Optimist:_ "Cheer up, old man. Things aren't as bad as they seem. "

_Pessimist:_ "No, but they seem so. "

 * * *

OUR MODERN INFANT

_Genial Uncle:_ "Well, old chap, we've not done anything together for along time. How about the Zoo next Sunday, eh?"

_Small Boy:_ "Thanks very much. I can't say off-hand, but I'll ring youup. "

 * * *

_Little Girl_ (_to Bride at wedding reception_): "You don't look nearlyas tired as I should have thought. "

_Bride:_ "Don't I, dear? But why did you think I should look tired?"

_Little Girl:_ "Well, I heard Mummy say to Dad that you'd been runningafter Mr. Goldmore for months and months. "

 * * *

A SUBTLE DISTINCTION

"I say--come and dance. This is a toppin' fox-trot they're playin'. "

"Thanks--but I'm only waltzing this evening. We're still in mourning, you know. "

 * * *

_Specialist_ (_to patient suffering from insomnia_): "And did you trymy plan of counting sheep coming through a gate?"

_Patient:_ "Well, I counted up to a hundred and twenty thousand andthirty-nine, and then it was time to get up. "

 * * *

_Neighbor_ (_bearer of message, to billiard enthusiast_): "You're wantedat 'ome, Charlie. Yer wife's just presented yer with another rebate offyer income-tax. "

 * * *

_Joan_ (_whose mother has just bought her a pair of woolen gloves_):"Oh, Mummy, I wish you had got kid. I hate this kind; they make mysweets so hairy. "

 * * *

_Lady_ (_to applicant for situation as cook_): "Have you been accustomedto have a kitchen-maid under you?"

_Cook:_ "In these days we never speak of having people 'under us. ' But Ihave had colleagues. "

 * * *

_Father:_ "Look here, Billy, Mr. Smith called at the office this morningabout your fight with his boy yesterday. "

_Son:_ "Did he? I hope you got on as well as I did. "

 * * *

_Artist_ (_condescendingly_): "I did this last summer. It really isn'tmuch good. "

_Candid Friend:_ "No, it certainly isn't. But who told you?"

 * * *

BLUE BLOOD

_Mrs. Profiteer:_ "Is this a pedigree dog?"

_Dealer:_ "Pedigree? I should just think 'e is, Mum. Why, if the animalcould only talk 'e wouldn't speak to either of us. "

 * * *

_Small Bridesmaid_ (_loudly, in middle of ceremony_): "Mummie, are weall getting married?"

 * * *

_Small Girl:_ "To-day's my mummy's wedding-day. "

_Smaller Girl_ (_with air of superiority_): "_My_ mummy was married_years_ ago. "

 * * *

"Wot's a minimum wage, Albert?"

"Wot yer gets for goin' to yer work. If yer wants ter make a bit moreyer does a bit o' work for it. "

 * * *

_Office Boy_ (_anxious to go to football match_): "May I have theafternoon off, Sir? My grand----"

_Employer:_ "Oh, yes, I've heard that before. Your grandmother died lastweek. "

_Office Boy:_ "Yes, Sir; but--my grandfather's getting married againthis afternoon. "

 * * *

_Minister's Wife:_ "My husband was asking only this morning why youweren't in the habit of attending church. "

_Latest Inhabitant:_ "Well, you see, it does so cut into one'sSundays. "

 * * *

"Two mistakes here, waiter--one in your favor, one in mine. "

"In _your_ favor, Sir? Where?"

 * * *

_Mistress:_ "Oh, cook, be sure and put plenty of nuts in the cake. "

_Cook:_ "You don't catch me crackin' no more nuts to-day. I've very nearbroke me jaw already. "

 * * *

_Gushing Lady:_ "Yes, she's married to a lawyer, and a good honestfellow too. "

_Cynic:_ "Bigamist!"

 * * *

_Mother:_ "Augustus, you naughty boy, you've been smoking. Do you feelvery bad, dear?"

_Augustus:_ "Thank you--I'm only dying. "

 * * *

_New Butler:_ "At what time, Sir, would you wish to dine as a rule?"

_Profiteer:_ "What time do the best people dine?"

_New Butler:_ "At different times, Sir. "

_Profiteer:_ "Very well. Then I, too, will dine at different times. "

 * * *

_Fond Mamma:_ "I sometimes think, Percy, you don't treat your dearfather with quite the proper respect. "

_Young Hopeful_; "Well, Ma, I never liked the man. "

 * * *

_Playful Hostess:_ "Couldn't you manage one more _éclair?_"

_Serious Little Boy:_ "No, fanks, I've no more room. "

_Playful Hostess:_ "If I picked you up by the heels and shook you, wouldthat help?"

_Serious Little Boy (after deep thought):_ "No, fanks, that would makethe space at the wrong end. "

 * * *

_Vicar's Wife:_ "What are you children doing in daddy's study?"

_Ethel:_ "It's a great secret, Mummy. We're giving daddy a new bible forhis birthday. "

_Vicar's Wife:_ "Oh--and what are you writing in it?"

_Ethel:_ "Well, you see, we thought we'd better copy what daddy'sfriends put in the books they give him, so we're writing, 'With theauthor's compliments. '"

 * * *

THE OBSTACLE

_George:_ "I proposed to that girl and would have married her if ithadn't been for something she said. "

_Fred:_ "What did she say?"

_George:_ "No!"

 * * *

CHANGING THE SUBJECT

_She:_ "Well! Let us change the subject. I've done nothing but talkabout myself all evening. "

_He:_ "I'm sure we couldn't find anything better. "

_She:_ "Very well, then! Suppose _you_ talk about me for a while. "

 * * *

"I say, Taxi, I've only got enough change to pay the exact fare. D'youmind taking a cheque for the tip?"

 * * *

A CHANCE LOST

"Who was the originator of the idea that a husband and wife are one?"

"I give it up; but it strikes me he might have saved a lot of argumentif he had said _which_ one. "

 * * *

_He:_ "I never knew until to-day that the Rev. Dr. Preachly married anactress. "

_She:_ "Oh, yes! It is she who rehearses him in those beautifulextempore sermons he preaches. "

 * * *

DURING THE QUARREL

_He:_ "But if you will allow me to----"

_She:_ "Oh! I know what you are going to say, but you're quite mistakenand I can prove it. "

 * * *

CONDITIONAL

_Eloping Bride:_ "Oh, Jack! I can't help wondering what father will saywhen he gets our letter. "

_Bridegroom:_ "It can't make any difference to our happiness, darling--so long as he doesn't _do_ it when we get back. "

 * * *

JUST IGNORANCE

_He_ (_dejectedly_): "I'm sure I don't see why our parents won't givetheir consent. I consider their conduct is little short of cruel. "

_She:_ "Oh, Jack! How can you expect old fogies like they are to knowanything about _love_?"

 * * *

ALL IN ONE BREATH

_Wife:_ "I'm afraid you'll think me rather extravagant, dear, but Ispent ten dollars to-day on a boat, and a train, and a fire-engine, anda box of soldiers, and some nine pins for Freddie's birthday. By theway, what are _you_ going to buy him?"

 * * *

A YOUNG PHILOSOPHER

"Mamma!"

"What is it, dear?"

"It seems to me that a 'silly question' is something that you don't knowthe answer to. "

 * * *

FEMININITY

_Julia:_ "Fanny married a very wealthy man, you know. She tells me shehas absolutely nothing to wish for. "

_Gertrude:_ "Oh, Julia! What a dreadful state to be in. "

 * * *

GETTING EVEN

_Mrs. Lynks:_ "Jack, I have made up my mind to fine you ten cents everytime you swear. "

_Mr. Lynks:_ "That's a bargain, if you'll give me ten cents every timeyou envy me for being able to. "

 * * *

A SOOTHING EFFECT

"Do you miss your husband as much as when he first went away?"

"No, I am becoming reconciled. You see he sent me a power of attorney. "

 * * *

IN THAT CASE

_She:_ "When one is really thirsty, there is nothing so good as pure, cold water. "

_He:_ "I guess I have never been really thirsty. "

 * * *

A QUALIFIED STATEMENT

"Well! we've missed that confounded train. What time will the next onebe here?"

"If the engine doesn't break down, and the track doesn't spread, andthey don't run into any cows, and the up-freight isn't behind time, andthe swing bridge isn't open, it ought to be here in about two hours. "

 * * *

_The Count:_ "I weesh to marry your daughtaire, saire! I am vorth onehundred thousand dollaire. "

_The Millionaire:_ "But I thought you were a bankrupt. "

_The Count:_ "I mean zat I am vorth zat moch _to you_. "

 * * *

"I suppose your landlord asks a lot for the rent of this place?"

"A lot! He asks me for it nearly every week. "

 * * *

_Mother_ (_to little girl who had been sent to the hen-house for eggs_):"Well, dear, were there no eggs?"

_Little Girl:_ "No, mummie, only the one the hens use for a pattern. "

 * * *

"It's funny that you should be so tall. Your brother, the artist, isshort, isn't he?"

_He_ (_absently_): "Yes, usually. "

 * * *

_Urchin_ (_contemptuously_): "Huh! Yer mother takes in washin'!"

_Neighbor:_ "Well, yer didn't s'pose she'd leave it hangin' ahtovernight unless your farver was in prison, did yer?"

 * * *

HIS SPHERE

"His versatility is something extraordinary. "

"I had an idea he was rather stupid. "

"That's just it. I never met a man who could make more different kindsof a fool of himself. "

 * * *

_Poetic Bridegroom:_ "I could sit here forever, gazing into your eyes, and listening to the wash of the ocean. "

_Practical Bride:_ "Oh! That reminds me, darling, we have not paid ourlaundry bill yet. "

 * * *

A LOVERS' QUARREL

_George:_ "Why don't Jack and Laura make up?"

_Kate:_ "'Sh! They'd like to, but unfortunately they can't remember whatthey quarreled about. "

 * * *

A DREADFUL POSSIBILITY

_Elsie:_ "When is my birthday, Mother?"

_Her Mother:_ "On the thirty-first of this month, dear. "

_Elsie:_ "Oh! Mother! Supposing this month had had only thirty days, where would I have been?"

 * * *

GETTING RECKLESS

_She:_ "I'm surprised at Jane's staying out in the boat all this timewith a comparative stranger. A woman of thirty is old enough to knowbetter. "

_He:_ "Aren't you afraid she is _too old_ to know better?"

 * * *

"I shall never find anyone else like you. You see, you're so differentfrom other girls. "

"Oh, but you'll find lots of other girls different from other girls. "

 * * *

RETROACTIVE

"You know you should love your neighbor as yourself. "

"But the trouble is, when I try to do that, I always end by hatingmyself. "

 * * *

_Pupil:_ "What I want to know is, am I a bass or a baritone?"

_Teacher:_ "No--you're not. "

 * * *

APOLOGIZING

"Oh! Are you really a mind-reader?"

"Yes! I am. "

"Then I hope you aren't offended. I didn't mean what I thought aboutyou. "

 * * *

DENIED THE PRIVILEGE

_The Child:_ "Mother! Did you buy a ticket for me?"

_The Mother:_ "No, dear! They don't charge for little boys. "

_The Child:_ "Is that 'cos we're too little to reach the straps?"

 * * *

A GOOD PLAN

_She:_ "The Burrowes are having their wooden wedding next week. What canwe give them?"

"We might send them a receipt for some of the money he owes me. "

 * * *

ENFRANCHISEMENT OF WOMAN

_First Voter:_ "So Mr. Jones has been elected. You voted for him, ofcourse?"

_Second Voter:_ "No, I voted for the other man. You see, Mr. Jonessupported Woman's Suffrage, which I abhor. "

 * * *

FAMILIARITY, ETC. 

"I'm so glad to see you. And how did you enjoy your visit to the South?"

"Oh, not very much! There wasn't a soul where I was staying exceptintimate friends. "

 * * *

REASSURING

_She:_ "Oh! Jack! Are you perfectly certain that you love me?"

_He:_ "My darling! You don't suppose that I have lived for thirty yearswithout knowing love when I feel it. "

 * * *

HOW IT HAPPENED

"What! You don't mean to tell me they are engaged! Why! They never metuntil a week ago. "

"I know it. But they happened, while out rowing together, to get caughtin a thunder storm. "

 * * *

A LINGUIST

"She is one of the most remarkable women I ever met. "

"In what way?"

"She can keep silence in four different languages. "

 * * *

THE DIFFERENCE

_She:_ "I'm so glad we're engaged. "

_He:_ "But you knew all the time that I loved you, didn't you?"

_She:_ "Yes, dear, I knew it, but you didn't. "

 * * *

THE ROAD TO----, ETC. 

"Well, what are you sneering about? You don't seem to have much faith inmy good resolutions. "

"I was just wondering if you had taken the paving contract for the nextworld. "

 * * *

CLASSIFIED

_Mrs. Bargain:_ "Oh, Ethel! I have just talked Edward into giving me themoney for a new hat. "

_Mr. Bargain:_ "Which I shall enter in my accounts as 'Hush Money. '"

 * * *

A SOLUTION

_The Mistress:_ "Oh, Jane, if I had known who sent those flowers I wouldhave returned them unopened. "

_The Maid:_ "Shure, Miss, couldn't ye take a few out, and sind the ristback unopened?"

 * * *

ENCOURAGING

_He:_ "My train goes in fifteen minutes. Can you not give me one ray ofhope before I leave you forever?"

_She:_ "Er--that clock is half an hour fast. "

 * * *

AN ALIAS

_Miss Hen:_ "I demand an explanation! You told me that your name wasplain 'Mr. Rooster, ' and that poet just now addressed you as'Chanticleer'!"

 * * *

_Lady_ (_to prospective daily housemaid_): "The hours will be from nineto six-thirty, with an hour and a half off for dinner. "

_D. H. :_ "For _luncheon_, I suppose you mean. And I should have to leaveat six, as I always dine at my club and have to dress first. "

 * * *

CHANGING PLACES

"They say that she was his stenographer before marriage. "

"She has evidently reversed the order of things. "

"How so?"

"_She_ does the dictating now. "

 * * *

ECONOMY

_Young Husband:_ "I see that sugar has gone down two points. "

_Young Wife:_ "Has it? I'll get a couple of pounds to-day, then. "

 * * *

_Best Man_ (_seeing couple off on honeymoon_): "Here you are--just a fewmagazines to help pass away the time. "

 * * *

_Hostess_ (_to small guest, who is casting lingering glances at thecakes_): "I don't think you can eat any more of those cakes, can you, John?"

_John:_ "No, I don't think I can. But may I stroke them?"

 * * *

_Mr. Househunter:_ "I don't care for those flats we looked at to-day. The rooms are too narrow, and the ceilings are too low. "

_Mrs. Househunter:_ "But they are cheap, dear; and you and I are neithervery wide nor very high. "

 * * *

QUALIFIED

_The Leading Woman:_ "How does Garrette rank as an actor?"

_The Comedian:_ "He doesn't--he is. "

 * * *

CLAIMING ACQUAINTANCE

_Chimmie:_ "Dat's McCorker de heavy-weight--me cousin used ter go terschool wid'm. "

_Billie:_ "Dat ain't nuthin'--me brudder had t'ree front teet' knockedout by'm onct. "

 * * *

FROM THE HEART

_The Wife:_ "I have not been able to wear my new hat yet on account ofthe weather. "

_The Husband:_ "Humph! And I suppose by the time it clears up thefashion will have changed. "

 * * *

_The Reporter:_ "I beg pardon, but would you be kind enough to tell mewhat blow you will knock Fitzmuggins out with to-morrow night?"

_Sledge-hammer Mike:_ "De solar plexus. "

_The Reporter:_ "And er--if you get beaten, what will your--er--weakspot have been?"

 * * *

AN ARGUMENT

"This theory about fish being brain food is all nonsense. "

"Why do you say so?"

"Because the greatest number of fish are eaten by the very people whoare idiots enough to sit out all day waiting for them to bite. "

 * * *

THE SECRET

_The Man of Theory:_ "The great secret of happiness lies in beingcontent with one's lot. "

_The Man of Practice:_ "But it has to be a whole lot. "

 * * *

WANTS HER RIGHTS

_He:_ "There is nothing like experience after all. She is our greatestteacher. "

_She:_ "And there is no holding back her salary, either. "

 * * *

"And are you a good needlewoman and renovator, and willing to beuseful?"

"Madam, I am afraid there is some misunderstanding. I am a lady'smaid--not a useful maid. "

 * * *

GETTING BACK

_Customer to Palmist:_ "Five dollars fee? Er--would you have anyobjection to waiting until I get some of the money you say is coming tome?"

 * * *

_Betty:_ "Mummy, does God send us our food?"

_Mother:_ "Yes, dear; of course He does. "

_Betty:_ "But what a price!"

 * * *

DURING VACATION

_The Summer Girl:_ "It pains me to be compelled to say so, but I reallycannot become engaged to you. "

_The Summer Man:_ "Well--er--could you manage to be a sister to me for acouple of weeks?"

 * * *

NOT UNIQUE

_He:_ "Crowded, were you? I thought you went early to avoid the rush. "

_She:_ "So I did; but about five thousand other people did the samething. "

 * * *

A NOBLE AIM

_She:_ "Have you heard anything about the woman's Reform Club?"

"Yes, its object seems to be to reform everything except the Club andeverybody except the members. "

 * * *

ONCE TOO OFTEN

"Yes, dear, I'm going out to-night. I've been asked to take supper withan old comrade in arms. "

"By the way, darling, how many men did your regiment muster?"

 * * *

"Phwat's the matter wid yez, Regan? Yez look hurted. "

"Faith! Lasht noight Oi tould Casey phwat Oi thought av him, an' utappears he thought worse av me. "

 * * *

CAUSE AND EFFECT

"What a lot of suffering these ambulance surgeons must witness. "

"Yes, indeed! Almost every time they go out they run over some one. "

 * * *

"He's a nice little horse (I saw him myself) and the dealer says I mayhave him for a song. Would you advise me to buy him?"

"That depends upon your eye for a horse and his ear for music. "

 * * *

SYMPATHY

_Freddie_ (_aged six_): "Mother, you know that lovely purse you gave mefor my birfday?"

_His Mother:_ "Yes, dear! What of it?"

_Freddie:_ "It makes me feel orful to think of it just lyin' in thedrawer 'ithout a cent in its stummick. "

 * * *

SLIGHTED

"I sincerely regret our misunderstanding, Florence, and am quite readyto be friends again. "

"_Misunderstanding_, indeed! If you had any _feeling_ you'd call it aquarrel. "

 * * *

GOING FURTHER

_Flora:_ "I think that Maud has been awfully mean to you. If I were youI'd get even with her. "

_Dora:_ "Getting even with her won't satisfy _me_. _I'm_ going to get_uneven_ with her. "

 * * *

GETTING ON

_Old Gentleman:_ "Well, children! and what are you learning at school?"

_Small Boy:_ "Oh, she's learning to make paper dolls and I'm learning toknock spots out of Willie Jones. "

 * * *

LITERALLY

_He:_ "I understand that she fairly threw herself at him. "

_She:_ "Yes! They met in an automobile collision. "

 * * *

AN EXTENSIVE LOVE

_She:_ "They say that he fairly worships the ground she walks on. "

_He:_ "That's saying a good deal when you consider what a golf fiend sheis. "

 * * *

CAUSE AND EFFECT

"The way those people flaunt their money fairly makes me ill. "

"Sour grapes always _did_ have that effect. "

 * * *

NO DISSENSION

_Mrs. Storme:_ "How is your Debating Society getting along?"

_Mrs. Karn:_ "Very well. We have forty members, and we all agreebeautifully. "

 * * *

"Why are they not speaking?"

"They quarreled about which loved the other the more. "

"Well!"

"And now each is afraid to give in for fear of offending the other. "

 * * *

IN KEEPING

"I really believe he married her only because he wanted a goodhousekeeper. "

"And now I suppose he wishes he could give her a month's warning. "

 * * *

HE KNEW

_She:_ "I never saw a married couple who got on so well together as Mr. And Mrs. Rigby. "

_He:_ "Humph! I know! Each of them does exactly as _she_ likes. "

 * * *

ARRANGED TO FIT

_Elsie:_ "Mummy! if I wuz a fairy I'd change every-fing into cake, an'eat it all up. "

_Mother:_ "I'm afraid such a lot of cake would make you sick. "

_Elsie:_ "Oh! but I'd change myself into a Nelephant first. "

 * * *

PROBABLY

"I want to buy you something useful for your birthday. What can yousuggest?"

"Oh! I think a really useful diamond ring would do as well as anything. "

 * * *

SURE SIGNS

"Afraid you're going to have insomnia? What are the symptoms?"

"Twins. "

 * * *

SUCH A WASTE

_Mrs. Bizzy:_ "I am so sorry to hear that your wife has been throwingthe crockery at you again, Casey. Where did she hit you?"

_Casey:_ "Faith, Ma'am! That's what Oi do be afther complainin' av. 'Twas a whole set av dishes broke to pieces an' she niver hit me wanst. "

 * * *

TOO ONE-SIDED

"What is the use of quarreling, my dear girl? Let us forgive andforget. "

"That is just the trouble. I am always forgiving, and you are alwaysforgetting. "

 * * *

DISCRETION

_Miss Bizzy:_ "I am glad to hear that you are married, O'Brien, and hopethat you and Bridget don't have many differences of opinion. "

_O'Brien:_ "Faith, ma'am, we have a good many, but Oi don't let her knowabout them. "

 * * *

BETTER UNSAID

_Cholly Lyttlebrayne:_ "Yes, the doctors saved my life, but it cost meover a thousand dollars. "

_Miss Thotless:_ "Oh! Mr. Lyttlebrayne, what extravagance!"

 * * *

LETTING HIM KNOW

_Flora:_ "I'm writing to tell Jack that I didn't mean what I said in mylast letter. "

_Dora:_ "What did you say in your last letter?"

_Flora:_ "That I didn't mean what I said in the one before. "

 * * *

WHY, INDEED

_The Husband:_ "Why is it that women always say, 'I'll be ready in twoseconds'?"

_The Wife:_ "Humph! and why is it that men always say, 'Oh! _I'm_ ready_now_'?"

 * * *

_Madge:_ "Have you given Jack your final answer yet?"

_Mabel:_ "Not yet--but I have given him my final 'No. '"

 * * *

ONLY THEIR WAY

_First Lady_ (_effusively_): "I am _more_ than _charmed_ to see you, my_dear_ Mrs. --er--um--. "

_Second Lady_ (_more effusively_): "How _lovely_ of you! So am I_delighted_. I _do_ hope we'll meet again _very_, VERY soon, my_dearest_ Mrs. --um--er--. "

 * * *

INADVERTENT

_Prospective Bride:_ "I am glad I decided to be married in a travelingdress--a wedding dress costs such a lot. "

_Dressmaker:_ "Yes, miss, and the next time you wanted to wear it, itwould be out of fashion. "

 * * *

MAKING SURE

"Papa, the Earl wants me to send him a photograph to show to hisparents. "

"I thought he had dozens of your photos. "

"Yes, but he wants a photo of your certified check. "

 * * *

MORE DESPERATE STILL

_She:_ "Oh! there's no use of my giving you any hope, because I cannotbelieve in love in a cottage. "

_He:_ "But I've known cases of love in a four-room flat, with steam-heatand all improvements. "

 * * *

SYMPATHY

_The Tabby-Cat:_ "I am just heart-broken! I had six of the loveliestkittens, and they went and gave one away!"

_The Parrot:_ "Wasn't it too bad of them--to go and break the set?"

 * * *

POPULAR OPINION

_First Burglar:_ "Say, Bill, de doctor what fixed de leg I broke doin'dat second-story job didn't do a t'ing but soak me fifty plunks!"

_Second Burglar:_ "Oh, say, wasn't that robbery?"

 * * *

MORE OPPORTUNITY

_The Wife:_ "Really, my dear, you are awfully extravagant. Our neighbor, Mr. Flint, is just twice as self-denying as you are. "

_The Husband:_ "But he has just twice as much money to be self-denyingwith. "

 * * *

"Jacky, dear, your hands are frightfully dirty. "

"Not 'frightfully, ' mummy. A lot of that's shading. "

 * * *

_The Ant:_ "Well, we've struck!"

_The Gnat:_ "What for?"

_The Ant:_ "Longer hours. "

 * * *

_Effie:_ "George and I have been down-stairs in the dining-room, Mr. Mitcham. We've been playing Husband and Wife!"

_Mr. Mitcham:_ "How did you do that, my dear?"

_Effie:_ "Why, Georgy sat at one end of the table, and I sat at theother; and Georgy said, 'This food isn't fit to eat!' and I said, 'It'sall you'll get!' and Georgy said, 'Damn!' and I got up and left theroom!"

 * * *

NOT WHAT SHE MEANT

_She:_ "I am sorry to hear that they have separated. Is there no chanceof their becoming reconciled?"

_He:_ "Oh, they seem to be _quite_ reconciled. "

 * * *

_He:_ "By the bye, talking of old times, do you remember that occasionwhen I made such an awful ass of myself?"

_She:_ "Which?"

 * * *

_Jones_ (_who is of an inquiring mind_): "Ain't you getting _tired_ ofhearing people say, 'That is the beautiful Miss Belsize!'?"

_Miss Belsize_ (_a professional beauty_): "Oh, no. I'm getting tired ofhearing people say, 'Is _that_ the beautiful Miss Belsize?'"

 * * *

_Mrs. Montague Smart_ (_suddenly, to bashful youth, who has not openedhis lips since he was introduced to her a quarter of an hour ago_): "Andnow let us talk of something else!"

 * * *

_Mamma:_ "It's very late, Emily. Has anybody taken you down to supper?"

_Fair Debutante_ (_who has a fine healthy appetite_): "Oh, yes, Mamma--several people!"

 * * *

_Guest:_ "Well, good-bye, Old Man!--and you've really got a very nicelittle place here!"

_Host:_ "Yes; but it's rather bare, just now. I hope the trees will havegrown a good bit before you're back, Old Man!"

 * * *

_She:_ "No! I can't give you another dance. But I'll introduce you tothe prettiest girl in the room!"

_He:_ "But I don't _want_ to dance with the prettiest girl in the room. I want to dance with _you_!"

 * * *

"I warn you, Sir! The discourtesy of this bank is beyond all limits. Oneword more and I--I withdraw my overdraft. "

 * * *

_Wife_ (_at upper window_): "Where you bin this hour of the night?"

"I've bin at me union, considerin' this 'ere strike. "

"Well--you can stay down there an' consider this 'ere lock-out. "

 * * *

_Motor-Launch Officer_ (_who has rung for full-speed without result_):"What's the matter?"

_Voice-from below:_ "One of the cylinders is missing, Sir. "

_Commander:_ "Well, look sharp and find the bally thing--we want to geton. "

 * * *

_Mother:_ "Did you remember to pray for everybody, dear?"

_Daughter:_ "Well, Mummy, I prayed for you, but Jack prayed for Daddy. He's looking after him just now. "

 * * *

JUSTIFICATION

_Wife:_ "_Two_ bottles of ginger ale, dear?"

_He:_ "Why, yes. Have you forgotten that this is the anniversary of ourwedding-day?"

 * * *

_First Flapper:_ "The cheek of that conductor! He glared at me as if Ihadn't paid any fare. "

_Second Flapper:_ "And what did you do?"

_First Flapper:_ "I just glared back at him--as if I had!"

 * * *

_Mollie_ (_who has been naughty and condemned to "no toast"_): "Oh, Mummy! Anything but that! I'd rather have a hard smack--_anywhere youlike_. "

_Lady_ (_to doctor, who has volunteered to treat her pet dog_): "And ifyou find you can't cure him, Doctor, will you please put him out ofpain?--and of course you must charge me just as for an ordinarypatient. "

 * * *

_Governess:_ "Well, Mollie, what are little girls made of?"

_Mollie:_ "Sugar and spice and all that's nice. "

_Governess:_ "And what are little boys made of?"

_Mollie:_ "Snips and snails and puppy dogs' tails. I told Bobbie thatyesterday, and he could _hardly_ believe it. "

 * * *

"I say, dear old bean, will you lend me your motor-bike?"

"Of course. Why ask?"

"Well, I couldn't find the beastly thing. "

 * * *

_Irate Parent:_ "While you stood at the gate bidding my daughtergood-night, did it ever dawn upon you--"

_The Suitor:_ "Certainly not, sir! I never stayed as late as that. "

 * * *

_Wife:_ "My dear, we've simply got to change our family doctor. He's soabsent-minded. Why, this afternoon he was examining me with hisstethoscope, and while he was listening he called out suddenly, 'Halloa!Who is it speaking?'"

 * * *

_Mrs. Goodheart:_ "I am soliciting for the poor. What do you do withyour cast-off clothing?"

_Mr. Hardup:_ "I hang them up carefully and go to bed. Then I put themon again in the morning. "

 * * *

"What's the matter, little boy?" said the kindhearted man. "Are youlost?"

"No, " was the manful answer; "I ain't lost; I'm here. But I'd like toknow where father and mother have wandered to. "

 * * *

_Helen's elder sister:_ "You know, all the stars are worlds like ours. "

_Helen:_ "Well, I shouldn't like to live on one--it would be so horridwhen it twinkled. "

 * * *

"Can I 'ave the arternoon off to see a bloke abaht a job fer my missis?"

"You'll be back in the morning, I suppose?"

"Yus--if she don't get it. "

 * * *

_Child:_ "Mother, I _have_ been good to-day--so patient with Nurse. "

 * * *

The schoolmaster was explaining what to do in case of fire. The pupilslistened with respectful attention until he came to his finalinstruction. 

"Above all things, " he said, "if your clothing catches fire, remaincool. "

 * * *

_Wife:_ "Yes, dear. I thought I'd buy you something you'd never think ofbuying for yourself. "

_Husband_ (_as he gazes with horror at the canary-colored socks_): "Yes, dear, and you have succeeded. "

 * * *

_Podger_ (_to new acquaintance_): "I wonder if that fat old girl isreally trying to flirt with me?"

_Cooler:_ "I can easily find out by asking her--she is my wife. "

 * * *

_Young Husband:_ "It seems to me, my dear, that there is something wrongwith this cake. "

_The Bride_ (_smiling triumphantly_): "That shows what you know aboutit. The cookery book says it's perfectly delicious. "

 * * *

_Wife_ (_referring to guest_): "He's a most attractive man; is hemarried?"

_Husband:_ "I dunno. He's a reserved chap--keeps all his troubles tohimself!"

 * * *

Questioning a class, an inspector asked:

"If you were to say to me, 'You was here yesterday, ' would that beright?"

"No, sir, " was the reply. 

"And why not?"

"Please, sir, because you wasn't. "

 * * *

_Salesman:_ "Another advantage of this machine, madam, is that it isfool-proof. "

_Sweet Thing_ (_placidly_): "No doubt, to the ordinary kind. But youdon't know my husband. "

 * * *

_The Stage Manager:_ "Now then, we're all ready, run up the curtain. "

_The New Hand:_ "Wot yer talkin' about--'run up the curtain'--think I'ma bloomin' squirrel?"

 * * *

_Old Gentleman_ (_to new gardener_): "Why do you always pull your barrowinstead of pushing it?"

_The Gardener:_ "'Cause I 'ates the sight of the blooming thing. "

 * * *

"My dear, you're not going to the links to-day?"

"Oh, yes, Auntie. I shall try and put in a round. "

"But it's _pouring_! Why, I wouldn't send a dog out to golf in suchweather. "

 * * *

_Lady_ (_who has purchased a ready-made dress_): "Tiresome this dressis. The fasteners come undone as quick as you do them up. "

_Cook_ (_acting as lady's-maid_): "Yes'm, they do. That's why I wouldn'thave it myself when I tried it on at the shop the other day. "

 * * *

HIS REPUTATION

_Waitress:_ "He ain't no good, Lil--he's one of these fellers wotchooses the price first an' then runs his fingers along the bill o' fareto see wot he gets for it. "

 * * *

NOT UP-TO-DATE

_Penelope:_ "What made George and Alice break their engagement?"

_Clarissa:_ "He complained that she was too 'Effeminate' for the presentday. "

 * * *

"Some wise person once said that silence was golden, did he not?"

"I believe so. Why?"

"I was just thinking how extravagant some women are. "

 * * *

NOT RESTRICTED

"That gentleman who is being introduced to Miss Binks is a freethinker. "

"Which is he, a bachelor or a widower?"

 * * *

_John:_ "Yew wait here, Mirandy, while I buy your ticket. "

_Mirandy:_ "Daon't yew dew it, John; yew can't say fer _sure_ that thetrain'll show up--I don't never believe in payin' fer a thing 'til I gitit. "

 * * *

_The Wife:_ "Oh, you needn't sneer! I mean every word I say. "

"I'm not sneering, my dear. I'm just thinking what a lot you must mean. "

 * * *

_The Escort:_ Who's that fellow who seems to know you?

_The Lady:_ Only a second cousin once removed. 

_The Escort:_ Hm! Well, he looks as if he wanted removing again. 

 * * *

_Voice_ (_far off_): Cuc-koo! Cuc-koo! Cuc-koo!

_Satiated Camper:_ All right, all right! Who's arguing about it?

 * * *

A GREAT ATHLETE

Micky Bryan and Patsy Kelly had been schoolmates together, but they haddrifted apart in after life. They met one day, and the conversationturned on athletics. 

"Did ye ivir meet my bruther Dennis?" asked Pat. "He has just won a goldmedal in a foot race. "

"Bedad, " replied Mike. "Sure, an' thot's foine. But did I ivir tell yeabout my uncle at Ballycluna?"

"I don't remember, " replied Pat. 

"Well, " said Mike, "he's got a gold medal for five miles, an' one forten miles, two sets of carvers for cycling, a silver medal for swimming, two cups for wrestling, an' badges for boxing an' rowing!"

"Begorra, " said Pat, "he must have bin a wonderful athlete, indade!"

"Shure, an' he's no athlete at all--at all, " came the reply. "He kapesthe pawnshop!"

 * * *

NOTHING NEW TO HIM

The motor car was driven by a determined young woman, who had knockeddown a man without injuring him much. 

She did not try to get away. Instead, she stopped the car, descended tothe solid earth and faced him manfully. 

"I'm sorry it happened, " she said grudgingly, "but it was all yourfault. You must have been walking carelessly. I'm an experienced driver. I've been driving a car for seven years. "

"Well, " replied her victim angrily, "I'm not a novice myself. I've beenwalking for fifty-seven years. "

 * * *

_Lady_ (_to pedlar_): "No, thank you, we never buy anything at thedoor. "

_Pedlar:_ "Then I've just the thing for you, Madam. You will, I am sure, appreciate these tasteful little 'No Pedlars' notices. "

 * * *

There is a lot to be said for the cheap car, we read. Yes; but it isjust as well not to say it when there are women and children around. 

 * * *

_Mother:_ It is rude to whisper, Humphrey. 

_Humphrey_ (_aged five_): Well, I was saying what a funny nose thatman's got. So you see it would have been much ruder if I'd said italoud. 

 * * *

_She_ (_pouting_): You don't value my kisses as you used to. 

_He:_ Value them? Why, before we were married I used to expect a dozenin payment for a box of candy, and now I consider only one of themsufficient payment for a new dress. 

 * * *

KNOWLEDGE

The son of the family was home on his first vacation since he hadattained to the dignity of college prefect. He and his father werediscussing affairs of the day, and finally the boy remarked: "Say, Guv, I hope when I am as old as you are, I'll know more than you do. "

"I'll go you one better, my boy, " the father replied. "I hope that whenyou are that old you will know as much as you think you do now. "

 * * *

A HUMBLING SIGHT

An old Scotchwoman, who had resisted all entreaties of her friends tohave her photo taken, was at last induced to employ the services of alocal artist in order to send her likeness to a son in America. Onreceiving the first impression she failed to recognise the figurethereon depicted as herself; so, card in hand, she set out for theartist's studio to ask if there was no mistake. 

"Is that me?" she queried. 

"Yes, madam, " replied the artist. 

"And is it like me?" she again asked. 

"Yes, madam; it's a speaking likeness. "

"Aweel!" she said, resignedly, "it's a humblin' sicht. "

 * * *

_Dollie:_ Yes, Miss Fethers is a pretty girl, but she doesn't wear verywell. 

_Pollie_ (_kindly_): I know, but the poor thing wears the best she has, I suppose. 

 * * *

TROUBLESOME CUSTOMER

A woman who had visited every department of one of the big London shopsand worried the majority of the salesmen without spending a penny, soexasperated one of them that he ventured to make a mild protest. "Madam, " he asked, "are you shopping here?"

The lady looked surprised, but not by any means annoyed. "Certainly!"she replied. "What else should I be doing?"

For a moment the salesman hesitated; then he blurted out, "Well, madam, I thought perhaps you were taking an inventory!"

 * * *

_Officer_ (_to sailor who has rescued him from drowning_): Thank you, Smith. To-morrow I will thank you before all the crew at retreat. 

_Sailor:_ Don't do that, sir, they'll half kill me!

 * * *

_Steward:_ Can I do anything for you, sir?

_Passenger_ (_faintly_): You might present my compliments to the chiefengineer and ask him if there is any hope of the boilers blowing up. 

 * * *

_Lady_ (_to box office manager_): Can you tell me what they are playingto-morrow night?

 * * *

_Box Office Manager:_ "You Never Can Tell, " Madam. 

_Lady:_ Don't they even let you know?

 * * *

_Village Idiot:_ Beg pardon, mam, seeing you're painting the church, Ithought I'd better tell you the clock is ten minutes fast. 

 * * *

_Employer_ (_rebuking employee for slackness_): Have you any idea of themeaning of "Esprit de Corps"?

_Stenographer:_ No, I haven't, and if it's anything vulgar I don't wantto. 

 * * *

_Sympathetic Lady:_ What's the matter with your hand, my little man?

_Boy:_ Sawed the top of my finger off. 

_Sympathetic Lady:_ Dear, dear, how did you do that?

_Boy:_ Sawing. 

 * * *

REMEMBERED

Blinks, after inviting his friend, Jinks, who has just returned fromabroad, to dinner, is telling him what a fine memory his little sonBobby has. 

"And do you suppose he will remember me?" said Jinks. 

"Remember you? Why, he remembers every face that he ever saw. "

An hour later they entered the house, and after Jinks had shaken handswith Mrs. Blinks, he calls Bobby over to him. 

"And do you remember me, my little man?"

"Course I do. You're the same man that pa brought home last summer, andma was so wild about it that she didn't speak to pa for a whole week. "

 * * *

NATURAL DEDUCTION

"The man that argues with a woman is a fool, " said Mr. Gadspur. 

"I agree with you, " said Mr. Twobble. 

"And if he expects to have the last word he's an even bigger fool. "

"Quite so, quite so. What did you and the 'Missus' quarrel about thismorning?"

 * * *

TOO GOOD

"Well, Alice, " said a Southern woman to a coloured girl formerly in heremploy, "I hear that you have married. "

"Yassum, Ah done got me a husband now. "

"Is he a good provider, Alice?"

"Yassum. He's powerful good provider, but Ah's powerful skeered he'sgwine git catched at it. "

 * * *

AN ERROR IN JUDGMENT

_Mother:_ "What! Have you been fighting again, Johnnie? Good little boysdon't fight. "

_Johnnie:_ "Yes, I know that. I thought he was a good little boy, butafter I hit him once, I found he wasn't. "

 * * *

TEACHING THE YOUNG IDEA

Little Willie looked up from the paper he had been reading, and inquiredof his father:

 * * *

"Dad, who was Mozart?"

"Good gracious, boy! You don't know that!" indignantly returned hisparent. "Go and read your Shakespeare. "

 * * *

HE TAKES YOUR TIME

"The chief objection we have to the man who 'knows it all, '" remarkedthe Observer of Events and Things, "is that he insists that everyone heknows shall know it all, too. "

 * * *

THE FLOOR HELD

"Did your watch stop when it dropped on the floor?" asked one man of hisfriend. 

"Sure, " was the answer. "Did you think it would go through?"

 * * *

HIS DIFFICULTY

_Real Estate Agent:_ "This tobacco plantation is a bargain. I don't seewhy you hesitate. What are you worrying about?"

_Prospective, but Inexperienced, Purchaser:_ "I was just wonderingwhether I should plant cigars or cigarettes. "

 * * *

THE REAL JOB

"What's this new conference they're going to have in America?"

"Oh, they're going to make peace among the Allies. "

 * * *

OFF LIKE A SHOT

It was a case of attempted murder, in which the prisoner was accused ofhaving fired twice at his intended victim. One of the witnesses for theprosecution was being severely cross-examined by the defending counsel. 

"You say that you heard both shots fired?" he asked sternly. 

"Yes, sir. "

"How near were you to the scene of the affair?"

"At the time the first shot was fired I was about twenty feet from theprisoner. "

"Twenty feet. Humph! Now tell the court how far you were off when youheard the second shot. "

"Well, sir, " replied the witness slowly, "I didn't exactly measure thedistance; but, speaking approximately, I should say about half a mile. "

 * * *

ANSWERED

_She:_ "And what would you be now if it weren't for my money?"

_He:_ "A bachelor. "

 * * *

TO BE SURE

_Lily:_ "Harold proposed to me last night while turning the music for meat the piano. "

_Edith:_ "Ah, I see, dear; you played right into his hands!"

 * * *

A CLOSE CALL

Pat was a simple country yokel who had never strayed from the outskirtsof his native village, and because he stood in a railway station for thefirst time of his life, his amazement was great. 

The vastness of his surroundings completely dazzled him, but when the3. 30 express dashed through the station, that did it. He kept his eyesglued on the tunnel through which it had disappeared, staring after itas though some kind of miracle had happened. He remained like this forseveral minutes, much to the amusement of the onlookers, until at lengthan inquisitive porter asked him what he was staring at. 

"Oi was just thinkun', " he said, pulling himself together, "what aterribal smash there'd 'a' bin if he'd 'a' missed the 'ole!"

 * * *

_Breathless Visitor:_ Doctor, can you help me? My name is Jones----

_Doctor:_ No, I'm sorry; I simply can't do anything for that. 

 * * *

They were talking over the days that will never return, so theyasserted; the days when there was no thirst in the land. But they hadparticular reference to the old state militia camp of long ago. For beit known, there was much taken to camp in those days that had little todo with military training, and it was carried in capacious jugs and bigbottles. Everybody expected his city friends to run down to the camp, and be called upon to act as an assuager of thirst. "The year I havereference to, " said one of the old-timers, "was a notably wet one. Thefirst night in camp everybody seemed to be bent on sampling whateverybody else had brought down from the city. The result was that whenthe company of which I was a member was ordered to fall in the nextmorning to answer the roll-call there was a pretty wobbly line-up. Wehad a new sergeant--new to the routine of a camp, and after he hadchecked up he should have reported, 'Sir, the company is present andaccounted for. ' Instead he got rattled and said, 'Sir, the company isfull. ' Our captain, looking us over, sarcastically remarked, 'I shouldsay as much, full as a tick. '"

 * * *

READY AND WILLING

_Magistrate:_ "Can't this case be settled out of court?"

_Mulligan:_ "Sure, sure; that's what we were trying to do, your honor, when the police interfered. "

 * * *

An old darky visited a doctor and received instructions as to what heshould do. Shaking his head, he was about to leave the office, when thedoctor called out "Hey, there, uncle, you forgot to pay me. " "Pay youfo' what, boss?" "For my advice. " "Nossuh, boss, " said Rastus, shufflingout. "I'se compluntated it from all angles and decided not to take it. "

 * * *

An airman had been taking up passengers for short trips, and by the timehis last trip came was absolutely fed up by being asked silly questions. He told his passengers, two ladies, that on no account were they tospeak to him; that he could not talk and give his attention to hismachine, and that they must keep silent. Up they went, and the airmanquite enjoyed himself. He looped the loop and practiced all sorts ofstunts to his own satisfaction with no interruption from his passengersuntil he felt a touch on his arm. "What is it?" he said impatiently. "I'm so sorry to trouble you, " said a voice behind, "and I know Ioughtn't to speak. I do apologize sincerely, but I can't help it. Ithought perhaps you ought to know Annie's gone. "

 * * *

_Chloe:_ I sho' mighter knowed I gwine have bad luck if I do dat washin'on Friday. 

_Daphne:_ What bad luck done come to you?

_Chloe:_ I sen' home dat pink silk petticoat wid de filly aidge what Iwas gwine keep out to wear to chu'ch on Sunday. 

 * * *

The professor was deeply absorbed in some scientific subject when thenurse announced the arrival of a boy. "What--who?" stammered theprofessor absently. "Why interrupt me--isn't my wife at home?"

 * * *

SARCASM

Everything that could be done to make the great unemployed meeting asuccess had been accomplished. A large hall, and a good speaker had beenengaged. 

When the latter arrived he seemed in a crabby frame of mind. Lookinground, he beckoned the chairman. 

"I should like to have a glass of water on my table, if you please, " hesaid. 

"To drink?" was the chairman's idiotic question. 

"Oh, no, " was the sarcastic retort, "when I've been speakinghalf-an-hour I do a high dive. "

 * * *

NONE AT ALL

Sandy had gone to the station to see his cousin off. 

"Mac, " he said, "ye micht like to leave me a bob or twa tae drink ye asafe journey. "

"Mon, I canna, " was the reply. "A' my spare cash I gie tae my auldmither. "

"That's strange! Your mither said you niver gave her anything!"

"Well, if I dinna gie my auld mither anything, what sort of chance d'yethink you've got?"

 * * *

ART AND NATURE

_Husband:_ "What was that you were playing, my dear?"

_Wife:_ "Did you like it?"

"It was lovely--the melody divine, the harmony exquisite!"

"It is the very thing I played last evening, and you said it washorrid. "

"Well, the steak was burnt last evening. "

 * * *

MISUNDERSTOOD

_Mistress:_ "Don't call them jugs, Mary; they're ewers. "

_Maid:_ "Oh, thank you, ma'am. And are all them little basins mine, too?"

 * * *

ALL BRAINS

A gentleman who was walking through a public gallery, where a number ofartists were at work, overheard the following amusing conversationbetween a big, heavy-looking man, who was painting on a large picture, and a weak-looking little cripple, who, limping over to where he sat, looked over his shoulder for a few minutes, and said timidly:

"I beg your pardon, sir, may I ask what medium you paint with?"

"Brains, " shouted the other in a voice of thunder. 

"Oh, indeed! That accounts for its fogginess, " which caused a roar oflaughter. 

 * * *

THIRTEEN TO ONE

Just before the service the clergyman was called into the vestibule by ayoung couple, who asked that he should marry them. He answered he hadnot time then, but that if they would wait until after the sermon hewould be glad to do so. Accordingly, just before the end of the service, he announced:

"Will those who wish to be married to-day please come forward?"

Thirteen women and one man quickly stepped up. 

 * * *

A GOOD ACTOR

_Neighbour:_ "I hear that you had an actor employed on your farm. "

_Farmer:_ "Yes, and he's a fairly good actor, too. Why, I thought he wasworking the last week he was here. "

 * * *

TOO SAD FOR THAT

A tourist was chatting with the proprietor of the village inn. 

"This place boasts of a choral society, doesn't it?" he asked. 

The innkeeper looked pained. 

"We don't boast about it, " he replied, in low, sad tones. "We endure itwith all the calm resignation we can!"

 * * *

The swain and his swainess had just encountered a bulldog that looked asif his bite might be quite as bad as his bark. "Why, Percy, " sheexclaimed as he started a strategic retreat, "you always swore you wouldface death for me. " "I would, " he flung back over his shoulder, "butthat darn dog ain't dead. "

 * * *

_Wife_ (_enthusiastically_): I saw the most gorgeous chiffonier to-day, dear. But, of course, I know we can not afford----

_Hubby_ (_resignedly_): When have they promised to deliver it?

 * * *

REALISED

_Lawyer:_ "When I was a boy my highest ambition was to be a pirate. "

_Client:_ "You're in luck. It isn't every man who can realise the dreamsof his youth. "

 * * *

NEVER MISS ONE

_Elder sister:_ "Oh, you fancy yourself very wise, I dare say; but Icould give you a wrinkle or two. "

_Younger sister:_ "No doubt--and never miss them. "

 * * *

A BAD NIGHT

The boy who had "made good" in town asked his old mother to come toLondon. He gave the old lady the best room in the hotel--one with aprivate bath adjoining. The next morning the boy asked:

"Did you have a good night's rest?"

"Well, no, I didn't, " she replied. "The room was all right, and the bedwas pretty. But I couldn't sleep very much, for I was afraid someonewould want to take a bath, and the only way to it was through my room!"

 * * *

TRIPPED

The shaded lights, music in the distance, sweet perfumes from the costlyflowers about them--everything was just right for a proposal, andTimkins decided to chance his luck. She was pretty, which was good, andalso, he believed, an heiress, which was better. 

"Are you not afraid that someone will marry you for your money?" heasked gently. 

"Oh! dear, no, " smiled the girl. "Such an idea never entered my head!"

"Ah! Miss Liscombe, " he sighed, "in your sweet innocence you do notdream how coldly, cruelly mercenary some men are!"

"Perhaps I don't, " replied the girl calmly. 

"I would not for a moment have such a terrible fate befall you, " he saidpassionately. "You are too good--too beautiful. The man who wins youshould love you for yourself alone. "

"He'll have to, " the girl remarked. "It's my cousin Jennie who has themoney--not I. You seem to have got us mixed. I haven't a penny myself. "

"Oh--er!" stammered the young man, "what pleasant weather we are having, aren't we?"

 * * *

THE GLOOMY GUEST

The best man noticed that one of the wedding guests, a gloomy-lookingyoung man, did not seem to be enjoying himself. He was wandering aboutas though he had lost his last friend. The best man took it upon himselfto cheer him up. 

"Er--have you kissed the bride?" he asked by way of introduction. 

"Not lately, " replied the gloomy one, with a faraway expression. 

 * * *

"Why did you take Meyerbeer off the dinner card?"

"People kept thinking it was something to drink. "

 * * *

A well-known admiral--a stickler for uniform--stopped opposite a veryportly sailor whose medal-ribbon was an inch or so too low down. Fixingthe man with his eye, the admiral asked: "Did you get that medal foreating, my man?" On the man replying "No, sir, " the admiral rapped out:"Then why the deuce do you wear it on your stomach?"

 * * *

_First Little Girl:_ What's your last name, Annie?

_Second Little Girl:_ Don't know yet; I ain't married. 

 * * *

_Kloseman:_ I didn't see you in church last Sunday. 

_Keen:_ Don't doubt it. I took up the collection. 

 * * *

A Southern family had a coal-black cook named Sarah, and when herhusband was killed in an accident Sarah appeared on the day of thefuneral dressed in a sable outfit except in one respect. "Why, Sarah, "said her mistress, "what made you get white gloves?" Sarah drew herselfup and said in tones of dignity, "Don't you s'pose I wants dem niggahsto see dat I'se got on gloves?"

 * * *

_Dad_ (_sternly_): Where were you last night?

_Son:_ Oh, just riding around with some of the boys. 

_Dad:_ Well, tell 'em not to leave their hairpins in the car. 

 * * *

Said the guest, upon approaching his host's home in the suburb, "Ah, there are some of your family on the veranda. The girl in short dressesis your daughter, the young man in riding breeches is your son, and thewoman in the teagown is your charming wife. " Said the host: "No, you areall wrong. The girl in the short dresses is my grandmother, the youngfellow in riding breeches is my wife, and the woman in the teagown is myten-year-old daughter, who likes to dress up in her great-grandmother'sdresses. "

 * * *

A bumptious young American farmer went to England to learn his business, but where he went he pretended that it was far easier to teach thefarmers than to learn anything from them. "I've got an idea, " he saidone day to a grizzled old Northumbrian agriculturist, "for a new kind offertilizer which will be ten thousand times as effective as any that hasever been tried. Condensed fertilizer--that's what it is. Enough for anacre of ground would go in one of my waistcoat pockets. " "I don't doubtit, young gentleman, " said the veteran of the soil. "What is more, you'll be able to put the crop into the other waistcoat pocket. "

 * * *

Weary Willie slouched into the pawnshop. "How much will you give me forthis overcoat?" he asked, producing a faded but neatly mended garment. Isaac looked at it critically. "Four dollars, " he said. 

"Why, " cried Weary Willie, "that coat's worth ten dollars if it's wortha penny. '"

"I wouldn't give you ten dollars for two like that, " sniffed Isaac. "Four dollars or nothing. "

"Are you sure that's all it's worth?" asked Weary Willie. 

"Four dollars, " repeated Isaac. 

"Well, here's yer four dollars, " said Weary Willie. "This overcoat washangin' outside yer shop, and I was wonderin' how much it was reallyworth. "

 * * *

NOT IN THE BUSINESS

"I'm not quite sure about your washing-machine. Will you demonstrate itagain?"

"No, madam. We only do one week's washing. "

 * * *

HER VIEWS

_Mrs. De Vere:_ "I suppose now that you have been abroad, you have yourown views of foreign life!"

 * * *

Mrs. Profiteer: "No, we ain't got no views. We didn't take no camera;it's so common. "

 * * *

A GOOD MATCH

_Proprietor:_ "What made that customer walk out? Did you offend him?"

_Assistant:_ "I don't know. He said he wanted a hat to suit his head andI showed him a soft hat. "

 * * *

LIFE'S BIGGEST PROBLEM

_Old Job:_ "The best way to get the most out of life is to fall in lovewith a great problem or a beautiful woman!"

_Old Steve:_ "Why not choose the latter and get both?"

 * * *

_He_ (_just introduced_): What a very homely person that gentleman nearthe piano is, Mrs. Black!

_She:_ Isn't he? That is Mr. Black. 

_He:_ How true it is, Mrs. Black, that the homely men always get theprettiest wives!

 * * *

A customer entered the small-town barber shop. "How soon can you cut myhair?" he asked of the proprietor, who was seated in an easy chair, perusing the pages of a novel. 

"Bill, " said the barber, addressing his errand boy, "run over and tellthe editor if he's done editin' the paper I'd like my scissors. "

 * * *

_Pompous Publisher_ (_to aspiring novice in literature_): I have beenreading your manuscript, my dear lady, and there is much in it, Ithink--ahem!--very good. But there are parts somewhat vague. Now, youshould always write so that the most ignorant can understand. 

_Youthful Authoress_ (_wishing to show herself most ready to acceptadvice_): Oh, yes, I'm sure. But, tell me, which are the parts that havegiven you trouble?

 * * *

FISHY RECORD

_First Stenog. _ (_reading_): "Think of those Spaniards going 3, 000 mileson a galleon!"

_Second Stenog. :_ "Aw, forget it. Yuh can't believe all yuh hear aboutthem foreign cars. "

 * * *

A group of tourists were looking over the inferno of Vesuvius in fulleruption. "Ain't this just like hell?" ejaculated a Yank. 

"Ah, zese Americans, " exclaimed a Frenchman, "where have zey not been?"

 * * *

"Lay down, pup. Lay down. That's a good doggie. Lay down, I tell you. "

"Mister, you'll have to say, 'Lie down, ' he's a Boston terrier. "

 * * *

_Lady:_ Well, what do you want?

_Tramp:_ Leddy, believe me, I'm no ordinary beggar. I was at thefront----

_Lady_ (_with interest_): Really----

_Tramp:_ Yes, ma'am; but I couldn't make anybody hear, so I came roundto the back. 

 * * *

"The doctor has ordered her to the seashore. Now they're having aconsultation. "

"Of doctors?"

"Of dressmakers. "

 * * *

"You discharged your office boy?"

"Yes, " said Dr. Dubwaite. "He never did anything but stand around andlook wise. "

"I guess you've seen the last of him. "

"I don't know about that. He may turn up here some day as an efficiencyexpert. "

 * * *

"But why don't you think he will propose soon?"

"Well, he gave me a box of stationery yesterday with my initials onit--such a lot, so I know it's all over between us. "

 * * *

PERFECT AGREEMENT

_Mother:_ "Hush! You two children are always quarrelling. Why can't youagree once in a while?"

_Georgia:_ "We do agree, mamma. Edith wants the largest apple and so doI. "

 * * *

_She:_ Jack is in love with you. 

_Her:_ Nonsense!

_She:_ That's what I said when I heard it. 

_Her:_ How dared you!

 * * *

_Professor_ (_endeavoring to impress on class the definition of cynic_):Young man, what would you call a man who pretends to know everything?

_Senior:_ A professor!

 * * *

A young lady who was inspecting bicycles, said to the clerk:

"What's the name of this wheel?"

"That is the Belvedere, " answered the salesman. 

He was rewarded by a stony glance and the icy question:

"Can you recommend the Belva?"

 * * *

"What this country needs is more production. "

"What this country needs, " replied Farmer Corntassel, with a slighttrace of irritation, "is less talk about what it needs and moreenthusiasm about deliverin' the goods. "

 * * *

BOTTLED COURAGE

"Is this stuff guaranteed to make a rabbit slap a bulldog in the face?"

"My dear sir, " said the bootlegger, with a pained expression. "Thisstuff will make a tenant snap his fingers under his landlord's nose. "

 * * *

"If a man has a beautiful stenographer, do you suppose that will causehim to take more interest in his business?" asked Mr. Piglatch. 

"I don't know whether he will take more interest in his business, " saidMr. Peckton, thoughtfully, "but his wife will. "

 * * *

IT WORKED

A tramp entered a baker's, shivering piteously. 

"A loaf, please, mum, " he said, placing the money on the counter. Thewoman gave him one. As he took it, he said with shaking voice:

"Where's the nearest hospital, mum, please?"

"The nearest hospital!" she ejaculated. 

"Yes, mum, I'm feeling bad. I believe I'm sickening for something; thescarlet fever, I think. "

"What!" she shrieked. "Get out of my shop. "

He turned to obey. 

"Here, take your money back, " she said. He did so; and, offering thebread, said humbly:

"You'll take yer loaf, won't yer, mum?"

"Get out of my shop. "

He crawled out, and with bowed head went around the corner. Presently, another mountain of misery joined him. 

"Well, Bill?" he said. 

"Right oh! 'Enery, " came the answer. "It worked a treat. Now you do itfer a bit o' bacon, and then we can have lunch. "

 * * *

FILM FEVER

_Nurse:_ "You were very naughty in church, Guy. Do you know where littleboys and girls go to who don't put their pennies in the collection box?"

_Guy:_ "Yes, nurse; to the pictures. "

 * * *

THE DRUGGIST'S TURN

The druggist danced and chortled till the bottles danced on the shelves. 

"What's up?" asked the soda clerk. "Have you been taking something?"

"No. But do you remember when our water pipes were frozen last winter?"

"Yes, but what--"

"Well, the plumber who fixed them has just come in to have aprescription filled. "

 * * *

WRONG BROTHER

A wealthy gentleman has a brother who is hard of hearing, while hehimself is remarkable for having a very prominent nose. 

Once, this gentleman dined at a friend's house, where he sat between twoyoung ladies who talked to him very loudly, rather to his annoyance. 

Finally one of them shouted a commonplace remark and then said in anordinary tone to the other:

"Did you ever see such an ugly nose?"

"Pardon me, ladies, " said the gentleman. "It is my brother who is deaf. "

 * * *

A candidate for Congress from a certain Western state was never shyabout telling the voters why they should send him to Washington. "I am apractical farmer, " he said, boastfully, at one meeting. "I can plow, reap, milk cows, shoe a horse--in fact, I should like you to tell me onething about a farm which I can not do. " Then, in the impressivesilence, a voice asked from the back of the hall: "Can you lay an egg?"

 * * *

_Doctor:_ "You are a great deal better this morning, I see. You followedmy directions, and that prescription did the business--what, you haven'ttaken any of it?"

_Patient:_ "No; it says on the label, 'Keep the bottle tightly corked. '"

 * * *

"And about the salary?" said the movie star. 

"Well, " said the manager, "suppose we call it $5, 000 a week. "

"All right. "

"Of course, you understand that the $5, 000 is merely what we callit--you will get $500. "

 * * *

_Prospective Employer:_ I suppose you have some experience of livestock?

_Applicant for Post:_ Well, I ain't ever looked after 'orses, nor milkedcows, and never 'andled poultry; but I've bred canaries. 

 * * *

A Scotchman had been presented with a pint flask of rare old Scotchwhiskey. He was walking briskly along the road toward home, when alongcame a Ford which he did not sidestep quite in time. It threw him downand hurt his leg quite badly. He got up and limped down the road. Suddenly he noticed that something warm and wet was trickling down hisleg. 

"Oh, Lord, " he groaned, "I hope that's blood!"

 * * *

_Mr. Graham:_ "Do you know, Miss F. , if I had my way, I'd put everywoman in jail!"

_Miss F. :_ "Why, Mr. Graham, I'm surprised. I didn't know you felt thatway about us! What sort of a nation do you think this would be, if youput all the women in jail?"

_Mr. Graham:_ "Stag-nation, of course!"

 * * *

GUILTY

_Sister:_ "Hubby received an anonymous letter this morning informing himof something I did before we were married. "

_Brother:_ "Well, the best thing you can do is to confess. "

_Sister:_ "I know it, but he won't let me read the letter and I don'tknow what to confess. "

 * * *

"I'd like to see the man who could persuade me to promise to love, honour and obey him, " said Miss Wellontheway. 

"I don't blame you, " remarked the newly-made bride. 

 * * *

"Huh! Yuh talks 'bout sassiety like yuh knows so much 'bout it. Niggah, I bet dey don' eben have evenin' dresses whah yuh come frum. "

"Zat so? Dey's doin' well to have evenin's whah yuh come frum. "

 * * *

_Second-story Worker:_ "Hullo, Bill, I see you got a new overcoat. Whatdid it cost you?"

_Burglar:_ "Six months. I never wears cheap clothes!"

 * * *

The sweet young thing was being shown through the boiler shop. 

"What's that thing?" she asked, pointing with a dainty parasol. 

"That's an engine boiler, " said the guide. 

"And why do they boil engines?" she inquired. 

"To make the engine tender, " replied the resourceful guide. 

 * * *

He was a Scot, with the usual characteristics of his race. Wishing toknow his fate, he telegraphed a proposal of marriage to the girl of hischoice. After waiting all day at the telegraph office he received theaffirmative answer late at night. 

"Well, if I were you, " said the operator, "I'd think twice before Imarried the girl who kept me waiting for an answer so long. "

"Na, Na?" said the Scot. "The girl for me is the girl who waits for thenight rates. "

 * * *

TOO ENTHUSIASTIC

_Wifey:_ "Henry, do you think me an angel?"

_Hubby:_ "Why, certainly, my dear. I'm very enthusiastic. I think allwomen are angels!"

"You needn't be so enthusiastic as all that!"

 * * *

BAD BOTH WAYS

_Dobb:_ "What's that piece of cord tied around your finger for?"

_Botham:_ "My wife put it there to remind me to post her letter. "

"And did you post it?"

"No; she forgot to give it to me!"

 * * *

HIS LITTLE MISTAKE

A certain country vicar who used to distribute books to his parishionersas reading material, one day, deciding to surprise them, gave them eacha Bible neatly wrapped up in brown paper. A few days later he calledround on each of his flock, and the first place he called at was thevillage butcher's. 

"Well, Mr. Simson, " he said, "how did you like that little book I gaveyou the other day?"

Simson was rather taken aback at the query, for, truth to tell, thelittle book still remained in its brown paper wrapping somewhere underthe counter. 

"Splendid!" lied Simson bravely, "but, " he added, in a burst ofconfidence, "it ended like they all end. "

"Oh!" exclaimed the vicar, "in what way?"

And Simson, thinking he was on safe ground, replied, "Why, they livedhappy ever after. "

 * * *

"Your wife looks stunning to-night. Her gown is a poem. "

"What do you mean, poem?" replied the struggling author. "That gown istwo poems and a short story. "

 * * *

TOUGH ON THE SENATOR

The Senator was back home, looking after his political fences, and askedthe minister about some of his old acquaintances. 

"How is old Mr. Jones?" he inquired. "Will I be likely to see himto-day?"

"You'll never see Mr. Jones again, " said the minister. "He has gone toheaven. "

 * * *

REDEEMING TRAIT

"I know I'm old, but I'm crazy about you, " stated Mr. Moneybags. "When Igo I'll leave all my fortune to you if you'll have me. "

"Have you any bad habits?" asked Miss Goldielocks, thoughtfully. 

"Only that I walk in my sleep, if you could call that a bad habit. "

"You dear old thing. Of course I'll marry you. And we'll have ourhoneymoon on the top floor of some tall hotel, won't we?"

 * * *

OFF

There was a distinct air of chastened resignation about him, as hepenned the following note:

"Dear Miss Brown, --I return herewith your kind note in which you acceptmy offer of marriage. I would draw your attention to the fact that itbegins 'Dear George. ' I do not know who George is, but my name, as youwill remember, is Thomas. "

 * * *

NOT A FATHER

A Protestant Episcopal clergyman was walking down a city street wearingthe garb of his profession. He was seen by two Irish boys. 

"Good morning, Father, " said one of the boys. 

"Hush, he ain't no father, " said the other, "he's got a wife and twokids. "

 * * *

WEDDING DECLARED OFF

_John Willie_ (_pleadingly_): "Why can't we be married right away, Elsie?"

_Elsie_ (_coyly_): "Oh, I can't bear to leave father alone just now. "

_John Willie_ (_earnestly_): "But, my darling, he has had you such avery long time. "

_Elsie_ (_freezingly_): "Sir!"

 * * *

PERHAPS!

"You are a little goose!" remarked a young M. D. Playfully to the girl hewas engaged to marry. 

"Of course I am, " was the laughing response; "haven't I got a quack?"

 * * *

A Northern man in an optician's shop in Nashville overheardan amusing conversation between the proprietor of the establishment andan aged darkey who was just leaving the place with a pair of newspectacles. As the old fellow neared the door his eye lighted upon anextraordinary-looking instrument conspicuously placed upon a counter. The venerable negro paused for several moments to gaze in open-mouthedwonder at this thing, the like of which he had never seen before. Aftera long struggle with his curiosity he was vanquished. Turning to theoptician, he asked: "What is it, boss?" "That is an opthalmometer, "replied the optician in his gravest manner. "Sho, " muttered the old manto himself, as he backed out of the door, his eyes still fastened uponthe curious-looking thing on the counter. "Sho, dat's what I was afearedit was!"

 * * *

In many of the rural districts of the United States where money does notcirculate with great rapidity services are paid for "in kind. " Farmers, for example, will give potatoes, eggs, etc. , in payment for debts. Ayoung surgeon who had occasion to operate in one of these districtshopefully approached the husband of the patient and asked for his fee, which amounted to $100. "Doc, " said the old man, "I haven't much readycash on hand. Suppose you let me pay you in kind. " "Well, I guess thatwill be all right, " replied the young doctor, cheerfully. "What do youdeal in?" "Horseradish, doc, " answered the old man. 

 * * *

The ferryboat was well on her way when a violent storm arose. Theferryman and his mate, both Highlanders, held a consultation, and aftera short debate the ferryman turned to his passengers and remarked, anxiously: "We'll just tak' your tuppences now, for we dinna ken whatmicht come over us. "

 * * *

NO DOUBT

"Lend me ten, Tom. "

"I think not. "

"You won't?"

"I won't. "

"You've no doubt of my character, have you?"

"I haven't. "

"Well, why won't you, then?"

"Because I have no doubt of your character. "

 * * *

_Officer_ (_drilling recruits_): Hey, you, in case of fire, what do youdo?

_Recruit:_ I yell. 

_Officer:_ Yell what?

_Recruit:_ Why, what do you suppose? Cease firing. 

 * * *

_Doctor_ (_at door, to butler_): Tell your master the doctor is here. 

_Butler:_ The master is in great pain, sir. He is receiving nobody. 

 * * *

_Young Woman_ (_holding out hand_): Will you please tell me how topronounce the name of the stone in this ring? Is it turkoise orturkwoise?

_Jeweler_ (_after inspecting it_): The correct pronunciation is "glass. "

 * * *

Once, in a rush season, an office boy was kept working overtime forseveral nights. He didn't like it, and growled to his boss: "You've keptme workin' every night till 9 o'clock for three nights runnin' now, andI'm worn out, Mr. Brown. I ain't no machine. I can't go forever. " Hisboss gave a hard laugh. "Wrong!" he said. "Wrong, my boy. You go forevernext pay day. "

 * * *

The bellboy of the Welcome Hotel has invented an ingenious system ofcalling sleepy guests. The other night a man left instructions that hewished to be called early. Next morning he was disturbed by a loudtattoo upon the door. "Well?" he demanded sharply. "I've got a messagefor you, sir. " Yawning until he strained his face, the guest jumped outof bed and unlocked the door. The bellboy handed him an envelope andthen went away quickly. The guest opened the envelope, and took out aslip of paper bearing the words: "It's time to get up. "

 * * *

A negro was brought before a justice of the peace. He was suspected ofstealing. There were no witnesses, but appearances were against him. Thefollowing dialogue took place:

"You've stolen no chickens?"

"No, sah. "

"Have you stolen any geese?"

"No, sah. "

"Any turkeys?"

"No, sah. "

The man was discharged. As he stepped out of the dock he stopped beforethe justice and said with a broad grin, "Fo' de Lawd, squire, if you'dsaid ducks you'd 'a' had me. "

 * * *

A little boy, the youngest member of a large family, was taken to seehis married sister's new baby. He seemed more interested in the contentsof the baby's basket than in the baby, and after examining the prettytrifles, picked up a powder-puff. Much surprised at his discovery, andlooking rather shocked, he said, "Isn't she rather young for that sortof thing?"

 * * *

THE ALLEGED HUMORISTS

"I can read my husband like a book. "

"Then be careful to stick to your own library, my dear. "

 * * *

"I took that pretty girl from the store home the other night, and stolea kiss. "

"What did she say?"

"Will that be all?"

 * * *

NO KICK COMING

_Merchant:_ Look here, that safe you sold me last month you said was aburglar-proof safe, and I found it cracked this morning and rifled ofits contents. 

_Agent:_ Well, isn't that proof that you've had a burglar?

 * * *

NO NONSENSE ABOUT IT

The new vicar was paying a visit amongst the patients in the localhospital. When he entered Ward No. 2, he came across a pale-looking manlying in a cot, heavily swathed in bandages. There he stopped, and afteradministering a few words of comfort to the unfortunate sufferer, heremarked in cheering tones:

"Never mind, my man, you'll soon be all right. Keep on smiling; that'sthe way in the world. "

"I shall never smile again, " replied the youth, sadly. 

"Nonsense!" ejaculated the vicar. 

"There ain't no nonsense about it!" exclaimed the other, heatedly. "It'sthrough smiling at another chap's girl that I'm here now. "

 * * *

TOO TRUE

_Screen Actress:_ I have a certificate from my doctor saying that Icannot act to-day. 

_Manager:_ Why did you go to all that trouble? I could have given you acertificate saying that you never could act. 

 * * *

CONSERVATIVE

He was a stout man, and his feet were big in proportion. He wore stoutboots, too, with broad, square, sensibly-shaped toes; and when he cameinto the boot shop to buy another pair, he found he had some difficultyin getting what he wanted. 

A dozen, two dozen, three dozen pairs were brought and shown him. 

"No, no! Square toes--must have square toes, " he insisted. 

"But, sir, everybody is wearing shoes with pointed toes. They arefashionable this season. "

"I'm sorry, " said the stout man gravely, as he got up and prepared toleave the shop. "I'm very sorry to have troubled you, I'm sure. But, yousee, I'm still wearing my last season's feet!"

 * * *

HE HAD HEARD OF THEM

It was company field training. The captain saw a young soldier trying tocook his breakfast with a badly-made fire. Going to him, he showed himhow to make a quick-cooking fire, saying: "Look at the time you arewasting. When I was in the Himalayas I often had to hunt my breakfast. Iused to go about two miles in the jungle, shoot my food, skin or pluckit, then cook and eat it, and return to the camp under half an hour. "Then he unwisely added, "Of course, you will have heard of theHimalayas?"

"Yes, sir, " replied the young soldier, "and also of Ananias and GeorgeWashington. "

 * * *

_Mr. Goodsole:_ "Well, what do you want?"

_Benny the Bum:_ "I wanna know kin I borry a red lantern off'n you? Ifind I gotta sleep in the street to-night an' I'll harfta warn thetraffic to drive aroun' me. "

 * * *

WHAT DID HE MEAN?

A merchant in a Wisconsin town who had a Swedish clerk sent him out todo some collecting. When he returned from an unsuccessful trip hereported:

"Yim Yonson say he vill pay ven he sells his hogs. Yim Olson he vill payven he sell his wheat and Bill Pack say he vill pay in Yanuary. "

"Well, " said the boss, "that's the first time Bill ever set a date topay. Did he really say he would pay in January?"

"Vell, aye tank so, " said the clerk, "he said it bane a dam cold day venyou get that money. Aye tank that bane in Yanuary. "

 * * *

TRUE TO LIFE

Sandy had been photographed, and as he was looking intently at his"picter" Ian MacPherson came along. 

"What's that ye hev there?" he asked. 

"My photygraph, " replied Sandy, showing it proudly. "Whit d'ye think o'it?"

"Man, it's fine!" exclaimed Ian, in great admiration. "It's just likeye, tae. An' whit micht the like o' they cost?"

"I dinna' ken, " replied Sandy. "I hinna' paid yet. "

"Mon, " said Ian, more firmly than ever. "It's awful like ye. "

 * * *

WHAT HE PREFERRED

"And did you say you preferred charges against this man?" asked theJudge, looking over his gold-rimmed spectacles. 

"No, Your Honour, " was the quick reply of the man to whom money wasowed; "I prefer the cash!"

"Wot was the last card Oi dealt ye, Moike?"

"A spade. "

"Oi knew ut! Oi saw ye spit on yer hands before ye picked it up. "

 * * *

During the period after the university examinations, when an unusuallylarge number of students flunked, one of the boys went to his professor, and said: "I don't think this is fair, sir; I don't think I should havea zero on this examination. "

"I know it, " replied the professor, "but we do not have any mark lowerthan that. "

 * * *

The long-suffering professor smothered his wrath and went down into thecellar. "Are you the plumber?" he inquired of a grimy-looking person whowas tinkering with the pipes. 

"Yes, guv'nor, " he answered. 

"Been in the trade long?"

"'Bout a year, guv'nor. "

"Ever made any mistakes?"

"Bless yer, no, guv'nor. "

"Oh, then, I suppose it is quite all right. I imagined you had connectedup the wrong pipes, for the chandelier in the drawing-room is sprayinglike a fountain, and the bathroom tap is on fire. "

 * * *

A bright little newsie entered a business office and, approaching aglum-looking man at one of the desks, began with an ingratiating smile:"I'm selling thimbles to raise enough money to----"

"Out with you, " interrupted the man. 

"Wouldn't you like to look at some nice thimbles?"

"I should say not!"

"They're fine, and I'd like to make a sale, " the boy continued. 

Turning in his chair to fully face the lad, the grouch causticallyinquired: "What 'n seven kinds of blue blazes do you think I want with athimble?"

Edging toward the door to make a safe getaway, the boy answered: "Use itfor a hat. "

 * * *

The lady was waiting to buy a ticket at the picture show when a strangerbumped her shoulder. She glared at him, feeling it was doneintentionally. 

"Well, " he growled, "don't eat me up. "

"You are in no danger, sir, " she said. "I am a Jewess. "

 * * *

Sam, on board the transport, had just been issued his first pair ofhobnails. "One thing suah, " he ruminated. "If Ah falls overboard, Ahsuttinly will go down at 'tenshun. "

 * * *

BLOOD RELATIONS

_Actor:_ "Are these poor relations of yours blood relations?"

_Fulpurse:_ "Yes; they are ever bleeding me. "

 * * *

There had been a collision near Euston Station between a timber-cart anda cab. 

The cart-driver said, with mock sympathy: "Oh, well, you can't help it!You're doin' yer bit, you an' yer 'orse and yer blankety cabs all overage!"

"You're doin' yer bit, too, ain't yer?" was the cabby's rejoinder, "a'carrying of two lots o' wood--one in yer cart an' the other under yerblinkin' 'at!"

 * * *

SCOTCHED!

A parsimonious farmer notorious for the small rations he doled out tohis employees, said to a farmhand eating his breakfast, "Jock, there's a fly in yer parritch. "

"That disna' matter, " replied Jock gloomily, "it'll no' droon. "

The farmer stared at him. "What do ye mean?" he asked angrily; "that'sas much as sayin' ye hav'na' enough mulk. "

"Oh, " replied Jock still more gloomily, "there's mair than enough forall the parritch I have. "

 * * *

THE BRUTE!

_Mrs. Newlywed:_ "What does that inscription mean on that ring you gaveme, Archie?"

_Mr. Newlywed:_ "'Faithful to the last, ' my dear!"

_Mrs. Newlywed:_ "Oh! how could you? You always said I was the first. "

 * * *

THE WHOLE TRUTH

Angus, a mason, was slipping out of the yard to get a "refresher" duringworking hours, when he suddenly ran into the boss. 

"Hallo!" said the boss, pleasantly, "were you looking for me?"

"Ay, " answered Angus, "I wis looking for ye, but I didna' want tae seeye. "

 * * *

THE CONSUMER INFLAMED

"Ever get any nice butter?" queried old Grumpy. 

"Supply in every day, " replied his provision merchant suavely. 

"Then why in thunder don't you sell it?" asked Grumpy. 

 * * *

HOW HE DID IT

_First Theatrical Manager:_ "Do you have any trouble with the girl whois playing the flapper in your new show?"

_Second Theatrical Manager:_ "No; if she attempts to be skittish I justthreaten to publish the photographs of her two sons who are lieutenantsin the army. "

 * * *

REALITY

A man, who is the father of a year-old youngster, met his pastor onSunday afternoon. 

"Why weren't you at church this morning?" was the first question of thespiritual adviser. 

"I couldn't come, " was the answer. "I had to stop at home and mind thebaby; our nurse is ill. "

"That's no excuse, " said the pastor. 

"It isn't? Well, next Sunday I'll bring him to church with me and seehow you like it. "

 * * *

PURE CARELESSNESS

It was visiting day at the prison and the uplifters were on deck. 

"My good man, " said one kindly lady, "I hope that since you have comehere you have had time for meditation and have decided to correct yourfaults. "

"I have that, mum, " replied the prisoner in heartfelt tones. "Believeme, the next job I pull, this baby wears gloves. "

 * * *

A LEVEL-HEADED CAR

_Irate Motorist:_ "Say, this darned car won't climb a hill! You said itwas a fine machine!"

_Dealer:_ "I said: 'On the level it's a good car. '"

 * * *

SUSPICIOUS

It was while on manoeuvres in rural England, and a soldier was beingtried for the shooting of a chicken on prohibited ground. 

"Look here, my man, " said the commanding officer to the farmer whobrought the accusation, "are you quite certain that this is the man whoshot your bird? Will you swear to him?"

"No, I won't do that, " replied the farmer, "but I will say he's the manI suspect o' doing it. "

"That's not enough to convict a man, " retorted the C. O. , considerablynettled. "What raised your suspicions?"

"Well, " replied the sturdy yeoman, "it was this way--I see 'im on myproperty with a gun; then I heerd the gun go off; then I see 'im puttingthe chicken in his knapsack; and it didn't seem sense nohow to think thebird committed suicide. "

 * * *

A WONDER!

"That fellow Jones is a hard-headed cuss, " remarked Brown. 

"That so?" asked Smith. 

"Yes, " replied Brown. "Why, he could read a patent medicine almanac andnot have a solitary symptom of some disease. "

 * * *

IN A FIX

_Mrs. Muggins:_ "It's raining, and Mrs. Goodsoul wants to go home, and Ihave no umbrella to lend her except my new guinea one. Can't I let herhave yours?"

_Mr. Muggins:_ "Hardly! The only umbrella I have got has her husband'sname on the handle. "

 * * *

SUCKED!

It was a very wet night, so Bill and his sweetheart decided to visit thepicture palace. 

On the way she evidently was annoyed with her lover, for she turned tohim, and said, angrily, "Aw wish tha would gie up sucking thi teeth;it's so rude when people are about!"

"Don't thee talk so silly, " he replied in aggrieved tones. "It's myrubber 'eel pads that's causing that noise!"

 * * *

HALF AND HALF

Mrs. Murphy is very fat, and the other day, laden with parcels andpackages, she was trying to mount the steps of a Dublin tramcar. Helplessly looking on, stood the conductor, a diminutive little chap. 

Mrs. Murphy, having reached the platform, said, with a glance ofwithering scorn: "If ye was half a man ye would have helped me up. "

The little conductor calmly replied: "Shure, ma'am, if ye was half awoman I would!"

 * * *

REVENGE IS SWEET

"Yes, " proudly announced the ex-captain, who is manager of a new seasidehotel, "all our employees are former Service men, every one of them. Thereception clerk is an old infantry man, the waiters have all beennon-coms. , the chef was a mess-sergeant, the house doctor was a basehospital surgeon, the house-detective was an intelligence man; even thepages were cadets. "

"And have you any former military police?" he was asked. 

"Yes, " he replied joyously. "When there's a good stiff wind blowing weset them to clean the outsides of the windows on the eighth floor!"

 * * *

NO EFFECT

"You tell me, " said the judge, "that this is the person who knocked youdown with his motor-car. Could you swear to the man?"

"I did, " returned the complainant, eagerly, "but he only swore back atme and drove on. "

 * * *

A FUTURE FINANCIER

"Ma, " exclaimed young Teddie, bursting into the house, "Mrs. Johnsonsaid she would give me a penny if I told her what you said about her!"

"I never heard of such a thing!" answered his mother indignantly. "You're a very good boy not to have told! I wouldn't have her think Ieven mentioned her. Here's an apple, sonny, for being such a wise littlelad!"

"I should think I am, ma! When she showed me the penny I told her thatwhat you said was something awful, and worth sixpence at least!"

 * * *

A BAD CASE

"Rather absent-minded, isn't he?"

"Extremely so. Why, the other night when he got home he knew there wassomething he wanted to do, but he couldn't remember what it was until hehad sat up over an hour trying to think. "

"And did he finally remember it?"

"Yes, he discovered that he wanted to go to bed early. "

 * * *

BLACK SUPERSTITION

_Architect:_ "Have you any suggestions for the study, Mr. Quickrich?"

_Quickrich:_ "Only that it must be brown. Great thinkers, I understand, are generally found in a brown study. "

 * * *

HALF A DUCK DEEP

Coming to a river with which he was unfamiliar, a traveller asked ayoungster if it was deep. 

"No, " replied the boy, and the rider started to cross, but soon foundthat he and his horse had to swim for their lives. 

When the traveller reached the other side he turned and shouted: "Ithought you said it wasn't deep?"

"It isn't, " was the reply; "it only takes grandfather's ducks up totheir middles!"

 * * *

COULDN'T RESIST IT

"Look here, " began the youth, as he entered a butcher's shop, anddisplayed two lovely-looking black-and-blue eyes, "you have fresh beeffor sale?"

"I have, " responded the butcher. 

"And fresh beef is good for black eyes, is it not?"

"It is. "

"Very well. I have the eyes, you have the beef. Do you think you cansell me a pound or so without asking how I got ornamented?"

"I'll do my best, sir. "

The butcher cut off the meat, and received his money without anotherlook at his customer. At the last moment, however, the old Adam provedtoo strong for him. 

"Look here, " he said, handing back the cash, "I'll make you a present ofthe beef. Now tell me all about the fight. "

 * * *

"Do you know anything about palmistry, Herbert?" she asked. 

"Oh, not much, " he answered, "although I had an experience last nightwhich might be considered a remarkable example of palmistry. I happenedto glance at the hand of a friend, and I immediately predicted he wouldpresently become the possessor of a considerable amount of money. Beforehe left the room he had a nice little sum handed to him. "

"And you foretold that from his hand?"

"Yes, it had four aces in it. "

 * * *

Young Harold was late for Sunday-school and the minister inquired thecause. "I was going fishing, but father wouldn't let me, " announced thelad. 

"That's the right kind of a father to have, " replied the reverendgentleman. "Did he explain the reason why he would not let you go?"

"Yes, sir. He said there wasn't bait enough for two. "

 * * *

"My good man, you had better take the trolley car home. "

"Sh' no ushe! My wife wouldn't let me--hic--keep it in th' house. "

 * * *

_Mrs. Newlywed:_ "Oh, Jack, you left the kitchen door open and thedraught has shut my cookery book, so that now I haven't the faintestidea what it is I'm cooking. "

 * * *

"Goin' in that house over there?" said the first tramp. 

"I tried that house last week. I ain't goin' there any more, " repliedTramp No. 2. 

"'Fraid on account of the dog?"

"Me trousers are. "

"Trousers are what?"

"Frayed on account of the dog. "

 * * *

A QUESTION OF LOCALITY

"Bobby, " said the lady in the tramcar, severely, "why don't you get upand give your seat to your father? Doesn't it pain you to see himreaching for the strap?"

"Not in a car, " said Bobby. "It does at home. "

 * * *

HER SOFT ANSWER

They had had their usual altercation over the breakfast table, and hubbyexclaimed:

"What would you do if I were one of those husbands who get up cross inthe morning, bang the things about, and kick because the coffee iscold?"

"Why, " replied his wife, "I should make it hot for you!"

 * * *

HE WAS WRONG

_Prison Visitor:_ "Am I right in presuming that it was your passion forstrong drink that brought you here?"

_Prisoner:_ "I don't think you can know this place, guv'nor. It's thelast place on earth I'd come to if I was looking for anything to drink. "

 * * *

OPENING FATHER'S EYES

"Papa, " said Little Horatio, "can you explain philosophy to me?"

"Of course I can, " answered his proud parent. 

"Natural philosophy, my son, is the science of cause and reason. Now, for instance, you see the steam coming out of that kettle, but youdon't know why, or for what reason it does so, and----"

"Oh! but I do, papa, " chirped little Horatio knowingly. "The reason thesteam comes out of the kettle is so that ma can open your letterswithout you knowing it. "

 * * *

NICE

She had only been married a month, when her friend called to see how shewas getting on. 

"We're getting on fine!" exclaimed the young wife. "We have a jointaccount in the bank; it's such fun to pay bills by cheque. "

"What do you mean by joint account?" asked the caller. "Do you put inequal sums?"

"Oh! I don't put in anything, " was the explanation. "Tom puts it in, andI draw it out!"

 * * *

NOT NEEDED

_O'Grady:_ "And why do you want to sell your nightshirt?"

_Pat:_ "Shure, and what good is it to me now whin oive me new job avnight watchman an' slape in the day toimes?"

 * * *

SHE COULD USE HIM

"Rastus, " said the judge sternly, "you're plain no-account andshiftless, and for this fight I'm going to send you away for a year athard labour. "

"Please, Jedge, " interrupted Mrs. Rastus from the rear of the courtroom, "will yo' Honah jes' split dat sentence? Don't send him away fromhome, but let dat hard labour stand. "

 * * *

DECLINED WITH THANKS

Farmer Brown was an old-fashioned farmer. He firmly believed in thatquaint and worn-out saying, "Early to bed, early to rise. " He couldn'tget along at all with the modern type of farmhands. So, after thinkingmatters over, Brown decided to reform. 

After many trials he secured a strapping, big fellow, and resolved tokeep that hand at any cost. Accordingly, the first morning he waiteduntil four o'clock before he called him for breakfast. 

"Get out of there quick if you want anything to eat. "

"Thanks very much, " said the new hand, "but I never eat anything justbefore going to sleep. "

 * * *

MANAGING THE MANAGERS

This conversation was overheard in the corridor of the offices of alarge firm. Needless to say, the speakers were lady clerks--

"He's given me such a fearful telling-off, " said one; "just because Icouldn't find him his copy of 'Who's Who. '"

"Pooh! Don't cry, you little silly. You've got to manage him. Whenyou've been here six weeks, like I have, you'll jolly well tell him tobuy a copy of 'Where's Which, ' and find his old 'Who's Who' himself!"

 * * *

A GREAT LIGHT

The skipper was examining an ambitious gob who wanted to be a gunner'smate. 

"How much does a six-pound shell weigh?" he asked. 

"I don't know, " the gob confessed. 

"Well, what time does the twelve o'clock train leave?"

"Twelve o'clock. "

"All right, then, how much does a six-pound shell weigh?"

"Ah, " said the youthful mariner, a great light dawning on him. "Twelvepounds. "

 * * *

The two flappers at the Strand seemed barely in their 'teens, yet theirconversation stamped them as seasoned film fans. They were discussingtitles of pictures in general, and the tiny blonde expressed regret thatthe recent German importations had had their titles changed for Americanconsumption. "If they had only called that picture 'Du Barry' instead of'Passion, ' think what a hit it would have made!"

Her bobbed-hair companion tossed her head and scoffed: "Don't youbelieve it. There's millions of folks never heard of Du Barry, but everyone knows about passion. "

 * * *

"We will take as our text this morning, " announced the absent-mindedclergyman, consulting his memorandum, "the sixth and seventh verses ofthe thirty-first chapter of Proverbs. " Never suspecting that hisvivacious son and heir had found the memorandum in his study on theprevious night, and, knowing that his papa had composed a sermoncelebrating the increased severity of dry law enforcement, haddiabolically changed the chapter and verse numerals to indicate a verydifferent text, the absent-minded clergyman turned to the place and readaloud these words of Solomon: "Give strong drink unto him that is readyto perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts. Let him drinkand forget his past poverty, and remember his misery no more. "

 * * *

"You don't mean to say it cost you $7000 to have your family tree lookedup?"

"No; $2000 to have it looked up and $5000 to have it hushed up. "

 * * *

_The Aristocrat_ (_returning to school_): My ancestors came over withWilliam the Conqueror. 

_The New Girl:_ That's nothing! _My_ father came over in the same boatwith Mary Pickford!

 * * *

It was Judgment Day, and throngs of people were crowding around thePearly Gates trying to convince St. Peter that they were entitled toenter Heaven. To the first applicant St. Peter said, "What kind of a cardo you own?"

"A Packard, " was the reply. 

"All right, " said St. Peter, "you go over there with the Presbyterians. "

The next in line testified that he owned a Buick, and was told to standover with the Congregationalists. Behind him was the owner of a Dodge, who was ordered to stand with the Baptists. Finally a meek littleindividual came along. 

"What kind of a car do you own?" was the question. 

"A Ford, " was the answer. 

"You just think you own a car. You go over there with the ChristianScientists. "

 * * *

_The Housewife:_ My goodness! I don't believe you've washed yourself fora year. 

_The Hobo:_ Just about that. You see, I only washes before I eats. 

 * * *

_The Professor:_ A diamond is the hardest known substance, inasmuch asit will cut glass. 

_The Cynic:_ Glass! My dear sir, a diamond will even make an impressionon a woman's heart. 

 * * *

_Boss:_ What do you mean by such language? Are you the manager here oram I?

_Jones:_ I know I'm not the manager. 

_The Boss:_ Very well, then, if you're not the manager, why do you talklike a blamed idiot?

 * * *

"Pa, what's an actor?"

"An actor, my boy, is a person who can walk to the side of a stage, peerinto the wings at a group of other actors waiting for their cues, anumber of bored stage hands, and a lot of theatrical odds and ends, andexclaim, 'What a lovely view there is from this window!"'

 * * *

"Is she making a rich marriage?"

"I should hope to tell you; he is a butcher who has been arrested threetimes for profiteering. "

 * * *

SANDY SCORED

A pompous Scottish laird met a farmer one morning, and observed:

"Well, Sandy, you're getting very bent. Why don't you stand up straight, like me?"

"Eh, mon, " replied Sandy, "d'ye see yon field of corn?"

"I do, " said the laird. 

"Ah, weel, " said Sandy, "ye'll notice that the full heids hang down, an'that the empty yins stand up. "

 * * *

WITH A RESERVATION

"Miss Smith--Belinda, " sighed the young man, passionately, "there issomething I want to tell you--something that I----"

"What is it?" asked the girl, as she leaned back in her chair, with abored expression on her face. 

The young man drew a long breath, and his face turned to dull purple. "It is a question which is very near to any heart, " he said awkwardly. "Could you--do you think you could ever marry a man like me?"

"Oh, yes, " replied Belinda, quite calmly, "that is, if he wasn't toomuch like you!"

 * * *

TOO SMART

A Chinaman entered a jeweller's in Liverpool and asked to be shown some"welly good watches. " The proprietor, a Jew, being absent, theprospective customer was attended to by his daughter, who got out threewatches, marked respectively _£_5, _£_4, and _£_3 10_s. _, and laid themin a row on the counter. 

The Chink, after looking very closely at them, called the attention ofthe Jewess to a watch on a shelf behind her; as she turned to obtain thewatch he placed the higher-priced watch, in the place of thelower-priced one, and, not caring for the watch now shown him, said: "Meno likee that; I takee cheapee watch, " paid _£_3 10_s. _, and departed. 

Soon the girl discovered the deception, and told her father on hisreturn. 

"Never mind, my tear, " said he, with a smile; "dose vatches cost all desame brice--two pound; but vat a scoundrel dat Chinaman must be!"

 * * *

OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT

"Are all flowers popular?" asked the teacher. 

"No, ma'am, " replied one of the bright little girls. 

"What flowers are not popular?"

"Wall-flowers, ma'am. "

 * * *

NATIVE BORN

"He hit me on de koko, yer honour. "

"Your head?"

"Yes, yer honour. "

"Why don't you speak the English language?"

"I do, yer honour. I never wuz out of dis country in me life. "

 * * *

THE JONAH

"Now, children, " said the Sunday-school teacher, "I have told you thestory of Jonah and the whale. Willie, you may tell me what this storyteaches. "

"Yes'm, " said Willie, the bright-eyed son ef the pastor; "it teachesthat you can't keep a good man down. "

 * * *

THE SUBSTITUTE

A tourist at an hotel in Ireland asked the girl who waited at the tableif he could have some poached eggs. 

"We haven't any eggs, sorr, " she replied; then, after a moment'sreflection, "but I think I could get ye some poached salmon. "

 * * *

MIGHT HAVE BEEN WORSE

The maiden of, er--forty or so, was much upset. 

Quoth she to a younger friend:

"Kate talks so outrageously. Yesterday she actually told me I wasnothing but a hopeless old maid. "

"That's pretty frank!" exclaimed the friend. 

"Yes; wasn't it unladylike of her?"

"It certainly was rude, " agreed the other. "Still, it's better thanhaving her tell lies about you. "

 * * *

GOOD OR BAD TURN?

"Did your late employer give you a testimonial, Jack?"

"Yes, Tom. But the way employers look at it when I apply for a job makeone think there's something wrong with it. "

"What does it say, then?"

"Why, he said I was one of the best men his firm had ever turned out. "

 * * *

TALKING SENSE

"Darling, " he asked, as he drew his fiancée closer to him, "am I thefirst man you have ever kissed?"

"William, " replied the American girl, somewhat testily, "before we goany further I would like to ask you a few questions. You are, no doubt, fully aware that my father is a millionaire something like ten timesover, aren't you?"

"Y-yes. "

"You understand, no doubt, that when he dies all of his vast fortunewill be left to me?"

"Y-yes. "

"You know that I have a quarter of a million dollars in cash in my nameat the bank?"

"Y-yes. "

"And own two and a half million dollars' worth of property?"

"Y-yes. "

"That my diamonds are insured to the value of a quarter of a milliondollars?"

"Y-yes. "

"My horses and motor-cars are worth seventy-five thousand dollars?"

"Y-yes. "

"Then, for goodness' sake, talk sense! What difference would it make toyou if I had been kissed by a thousand men before I met you?"

 * * *

A MAGIC HEALER

During an exciting game of football a player had two fingers of hisright hand badly smashed, and on his way home from the ground he droppedinto the doctor's to have them attended to. 

"Doctor, " he asked, anxiously. "When this hand of mine heals, will I beable to play the piano?"

"Certainly you will, " the doctor assured him. 

"Then you're a wonder, doctor. I never could before. "

 * * *

SHE TOOK THEM

"I don't know whether I like these photos or not, " said the young woman. "They seem rather indistinct. "

"But, you must remember, madam, " said the wily photographer, "that yourface is not at all plain. "

 * * *

BUT HE'S ON HIS WAY

Uncle Tom arrived at the station with the goat he was to ship north, butthe freight agent was having difficulty in billing him. 

"What's this goat's destination, Uncle?" he asked. 

"Suh?"

"I say, what's his destination? Where's he going?"

Uncle Tom searched carefully for the tag. A bit of frayed cord was allthat remained. 

"Dat ornery goat!" he exploded wrathfully. "Yo' know, suh, dat iggorantgoat done completely et up his destination. "

 * * *

HER MATCH

_Tommy:_ "What's an echo, pa?"

_Pa:_ "An echo, my son, is the only thing that can deprive a woman ofthe last word. "

 * * *

"Why is it you never get to the office on time in the morning?" demandedthe boss angrily. 

"It's like this, boss, " explained the tardy one; "you kept telling menot to watch the clock during office hours, and I got so I didn't watchit at home either. "

 * * *

SCIENTIFIC PROOF

One day a teacher was having a first-grade class in physiology. Sheasked them if they knew that there was a burning fire in the body all ofthe time. One little girl spoke up and said:

"Yes'm; when it is a cold day, I can see the smoke. "

 * * *

_Bolshie Tubthumper:_ Yaas, there didn't ought to be no poor. We allought to be wealthy, and the wealthy starvin' like us!

 * * *

_Sunday School Teacher:_ Now, Alfred, if you are always kind and politeto your playmates, what will be the result?

_Alfred:_ They'll think they can lick me!

 * * *

A NATURAL PICTURE

A man and his eldest son went to have their photographs taken together, and the photographer said to the young man, "It will make a betterpicture if you put your hand on your father's shoulder. "

"H'm, " said the father, "it would make a more natural picture if he putit in my pocket. "

 * * *

NOTHING TO SMILE AT

A Londoner was telling funny stories to a party of commercial men. 

An old Scotsman, sitting in a corner seat, apparently took not thesmallest notice, and no matter how loud the laughter, went on quietlyreading his paper. This exasperated the story-teller, until at last hesaid: "I think it would take an inch auger to put a joke into aScotsman's head. "

A voice from behind the paper replied: "Ay, man, but it wid need tae haea finer point than ony o' yer stories, a'm thinking!"

 * * *

DREW BLANK

The MacTavish was not a mean man. No; he just knew the value of money. 

So, when the MacTavish developed a sore throat he meditated fearfullyupon the expenditure of a doctor's fee. As an alternative he hung aboutfor a day and a half outside the local doctor's establishment. Finallyhe managed to catch the great man. 

"Say, doctor! Hoo's beez-ness wi' ye the noo?"

"Oh, feyr, feyr!"

"A s'pose ye've a deal o' prescribin' tae dae fer coolds an' sairthroats?"

"Ay!"

"An' what dae ye gin'rally gie fer a sair throat?"

"Naethin', " replied the canny old doctor, "I dinna' want a sair throat. "

 * * *

A FRIEND IN NEED

What true friendship consists in depends on the temperament of the manwho has a friend. It is related that at the funeral of Mr. Scroggs, whodied extremely poor, the usually cold-blooded Squire Tightfist was muchaffected. 

"You thought a great deal of him, I suppose?" some one asked him. 

"Thought a great deal of him? I should think I did. There was a truefriend. He never asked me to lend him a cent, though I knew well enoughhe was starving to death. "

 * * *

WHAT HE PREFERRED

He was one of the few remaining old-time darkies. He had finished theodd jobs for which he had been employed, and, hat in hand, appeared atthe back door. 

"How much is it, uncle?" he was asked. 

"Yo' say how much? Jest whatever yo' say, missus. "

"Oh, but I would rather you'd say how much, " the lady of the housereplied. 

"Yas, ma'am! But, ma'am, Ah'd rather hab de seventy-five cents yo 'wouldgimme dan de fifty cents Ah'd charge yo'. "

 * * *

READY TO JOIN

_Minister:_ Would you care to join us in the new missionary movement?

_Miss Ala Mode:_ I'm crazy to try it. Is it anything like the fox trot?

 * * *

HELPFUL PA!

_He:_ Do you think your father would be willing to help me in thefuture?

_She:_ Well, I heard him say he felt like kicking you into the middle ofnext week. 

 * * *

"Daughter, " said the old man, sternly, "I positively forbid you marryingthis young scapegrace! He is an inveterate poker player!"

"But, papa, " tearfully protested Alicia Hortense, "poker playing is notsuch an awful habit. Why, at your own club----"

"That's where I got my information, daughter. I'll have no daughter ofmine bringing home a man that I can't beat with a flush, a full house, and fours. "

 * * *

"I think, Lucille, I'll take one of the children to the park with me. Which one do you think would go best with this dress?"

 * * *

HE KNEW

Mr. And Mrs. Smith had been invited to a friend's for tea, and the timehad arrived for preparing for the visit. "Come along, dearie, " said Mr. Smith to her three-year-old son, "and have your face washed. "

"Don't want to be washed, " came the reply. 

"But, " said mother, "you don't want to be a dirty boy, do you? I want mylittle boy to have a nice, clean face for the ladies to kiss. "

Upon this persuasion he gave way, and was washed. A few minutes later hestood watching his father washing. "Ha, ha, daddy!" he cried, "I knowwhy you're washing!"

 * * *

THEY WILT

"Which weeds are the easiest to kill?" asked young Flickers of FarmerSassfras, as he watched that good man at his work. 

"Widow's weeds, " replied the farmer. "You have only to say 'Wilt thou?'and they wilt. "

 * * *

NOT STRONG ENOUGH

Muriel, aged four, was taken by her governess to have tea with an aunt. Presently she began to eat a piece of very rich cake. 

"Oh, I just love this chocolate cake!" she exclaimed. "It's awfullynice. "

"Muriel, dear, " corrected her governess, "it is wrong to say you 'love'cake, and I've frequently pointed out that 'just' is wrongly used insuch a sentence. Again, 'awfully' is quite wrong, 'very' would be morecorrect, dear. Now repeat your remark, please. "

Muriel obediently repeated: "I like chocolate cake; it is very good. "

"That's better, dear, " said the governess, approvingly. 

"But it sounds as if I was talking about bread, " protested the littlegirl. 

 * * *

WHY HE PICKED PICTISH

An English mother was visiting her son at college. 

"Well, dear, " she said, "what languages did you decide to take?"

"I have decided to take Pictish, mother, " he replied. 

"Pictish?" said the puzzled lady. "Why Pictish?"

"Only five words of it remain, " he said. 

 * * *

PLAYED THEM BOTH UP

A small boy was playing with an iron hoop in the street, when suddenlyit bounced through the railings and broke the kitchen window of one ofthe areas. The lady of the house waited with anger in her eyes for theappearance of the hoop's owner. He arrived. 

"Please, I've broken your window, " he said, "and father's come to mendit. "

Sure enough the boy was followed by a man, who at once set to work, while the boy, taking his hoop, ran off. The window finished, the mansaid:

"That'll be three shillings, mum. "

"Three shillings!" gasped the woman. "But your son broke it. The littlefellow with the hoop. You're his father, aren't you?"

The man shook his head. 

"Never seen him before, " he said. "He came round to my place and saidhis mother wanted her window mended. You're his mother, aren't you?"

And the good woman could only shake her head; for once words failed her. 

 * * *

JUSTICE AT LAST

It was the usual domestic storm. 

"Oh, dear! oh, dear!" moaned wifey in tears. "I wish I'd taken poormother's advice, and never married you!"

Hubby, the strong, silent man, swung round on her quickly, and at lastfound voice. 

"Did your mother try to stop you marrying me?" he demanded. 

Wifey nodded violently. 

A look of deep remorse crossed hubby's face. 

"Great Scott, " he cried, in broken tones, "how I wronged that woman!"

 * * *

IN ORDER TO BE FILLED

Two negroes were working in a coal-bin in a Mississippi town, one downin the bin throwing out the coal and the other wielding a shovel. Theone inside picked up a large lump and heaving it carelessly into theair, struck the other a resounding blow on the head. 

As soon as the victim had recovered from his momentary daze he walkedover to the edge of the bin and, peering down at his mate, said:

"Nigger, how come you don't watch where you throws dat coal? You donehit me smack on de haid. "

The other one looked surprised. 

"Did I hit you?"

"You sho' did, " came the answer. "And I jes' wants to tell you, I'vebeen promising the debil a man a long time, and you certainly doesresemble my promise. "

 * * *

"And would you love me as much if father lost all his money?"

"Has he?"

"Why, no. "

"Of course I would, darling. "

 * * *

"Why do you object to children in your apartment house?"

"As a matter of kindness. People who are raising families can't beexpected to pay the rentals I require. "

 * * *

CAUSTIC

A good story is told of a pawky old Scot, who like many others, findshimself rather short of cash just now. His account was £60 over drawn, and the banker rang him up on the telephone to tell him about it, and tosuggest that he had better bring it down a bit or clear it altogether. 

"Oh, aye, " replied the pawky one. "I'm £60 short am I? Will ye just lookup an' tell me hoo my account stood in June?"

"Oh, " the banker said, "you were all right then; you had £250 to yourcredit. "

"Aye, an' did I ring you up in June?" was the caustic rejoinder. 

 * * *

The newly-elected president of a banking institution was beingintroduced to the employees. He singled out one of the men in thecashier's cage, questioning him in detail about his work, etc. "I havebeen here forty years, " said the cashier's assistant, with consciouspride, "and in all that time I only made one slight mistake. "

"Good, " replied the president. "Let me congratulate you. But hereafterbe more careful. "

 * * *

_First Sailor_ (_searching vainly for his ship after a few hours'leave_): "But she was 'ere when we went ashore, wasn't she?"

_Second Sailor:_ "It's them blokes at Washington. They've startedscrappin' the fleet, an' begun on us. "

 * * *

NOT WORTH MUCH

The tourist from the East had stopped to change tires in a desolateregion of the far South. "I suppose, " he remarked to a native onlooker, "that even in these isolated parts the bare necessities of life haverisen tremendously in price?"

"Y'er right, stranger, " replied the native, "and it ain't worth drinkin'when ye get it. "

 * * *

NOTHING TO FEAR

_Irate Golfer:_ "You must take your children away from here, madam; thisis no place for them. "

_Mother:_ "Now don't you worry--they can't 'ear nothin' new--theirfather was a sergeant-major, 'e was!"

 * * *

MISLED

_The Client:_ "I bought and paid for two dozen glass decanters that wereadvertised at $16 a dozen, f. O. B. , and when they were delivered theywere empty. "

_The Lawyer:_ "Well, what do you expect?"

_The Client:_ "Full of booze. Isn't that what f. O. B. Means?"

 * * *

During a conversation between an Irishman and a Jew, the Irishman askedhow it was that the Jews were so wise. 

"Because, " said the Jew, "we eat a certain kind of fish;" and he offeredto sell one for ten dollars. 

After paying his money, the Irishman received a small dried fish. He bitinto it, then exclaimed: "Why, this is only a smoked herring. "

"See?" said the Jew. "You are getting wise already. "

 * * *

"Yes, " said the old man to his visitor, "I am proud of my girls andwould like to see them comfortably married, and as I have made a littlemoney they will not go penniless to their husbands. There is Mary, twenty-five years old, and a really good girl. I shall give her $1000when she marries. Then comes Bet, who won't see thirty-five again. Ishall give her $3000, and the man who takes Eliza, who is forty, willhave $5000 with her. " The young man reflected a moment and then asked, "You haven't one about fifty, have you?"

 * * *

"Mary, " said the mistress, "did you ask every one for cards to-day, as Itold you, when they called?"

"Yes'm. One fellow he wouldn't give me no card, but I swiped his hat an'shoved him off th' steps. Here's his name on th' sweat band. "

 * * *

"He proposed to me last night, mother. What shall I do?"

"But, my dear daughter, you've only known him three weeks. "

"I know that, mother, but on the other hand if I delay in accepting himhe might find out some things about me he won't like, too. "

 * * *

"Would you marry a man to reform him?"

"What does he do?"

"He drinks. "

"Marry him, girlie, and find out where he gets it. We need him badly inour set. "

 * * *

"I would like to have a globe of the earth. "

"What size, madam?"

"Life-size, of course. "

 * * *

_Wife:_ "George, is that you?"

_George:_ "Why certainly! Who else you 'shpecting at this timernight?"

 * * *

_She_ (_tenderly_): "And are mine the only lips you have kissed?"

_He:_ "Yes, and they are the sweetest of all. "

 * * *

_Jazz:_ "My girl told me she weighed 120 the other night. "

_Beau:_ "Stripped?"

_Jazz:_ "Yeh; she was in an evening gown. "

 * * *

_Mrs. Newlywed_ (_on her first day's shopping_): "I want two pieces ofsteak and--and about half a pint of gravy. "

 * * *

_Farmer:_ "Would you like to buy a jug of cider?"

_Tourist:_ "Well--er--is it ambitious and willing to work?"

 * * *

_Papa:_ "Why did you permit young Gaybird to kiss you in the parlor lastnight?"

_Daughter:_ "Because I was afraid he'd catch cold in the hall. "

 * * *

"It was a case of love at first sight when I met Jack. "

"Then why didn't you marry him?"

"I met him again so often. "

 * * *

_Interviewer:_ "What sort of girls make the best show-girls?"

_Stage Manager:_ "Those who have the most to show, of course. "

 * * *

_She:_ "What do you mean by kissing me? What do you mean?"

_He:_ "Er--er--nothing. "

_She:_ "Then don't you dare do it again. I won't have any man kissing meunless he means business, d'ye hear?"

 * * *

_Foreman:_ "'Ow is it that little feller always carries two planks toyour one?"

_Laborer:_ "'Cos 'e's too blinkin' lazy to go back fer the other one. "

 * * *

_Lady_ (_in box_): "Can you look over my shoulders?"

_Sailor:_ "I've just been looking over both of them, an' by gosh theyare great. "

 * * *

"How times have changed!"

"Yes?"

"Imagine Rosa Bonheur painting a flock of Ford tractors. "

 * * *

_Sailor Bill:_ "These New York gals seem to be wearin' sort o' lightcanvas. "

_Sailor Dan:_ "Yes--you seldom see a full-rigged skirt, or anything. "

 * * *

_Tramp:_ "Would you please 'elp a pore man whose wife is out o' work?"

 * * *

"I 'ear your 'usband 'as turned Bolshie. "

"Well, not absolootly; but 'e 'as a lenin' that way. "

 * * *

A popular Oklahoma City salesman recently married, and was accompaniedby his wife as he entered the dining-room of a Texas hotel famed for itsexcellent cuisine. His order was served promptly, but the fried chickenhe had been telling his wife so much about was not in evidence. 

"Where is my chicken?" he asked somewhat irritably. 

The dusky waiter, leaning over and bringing his mouth in close proximityto the salesman's ear, replied:

"Ef youse mean de li'l gal with blue eyes an' fluffy hair, she doan'wo'k heah no mo'. "

 * * *

"Do you really believe in heredity?"

"Most certainly I do. That is how I came into all my money. "

 * * *

An attorney of Los Angeles advertised for a chauffeur. Some twenty-oddresponded and were being questioned as to qualifications, efficiency, and whether married or single. Finally, turning to a negro chap, hesaid:

"How about you, George, are you married?"

Quickly the negro responded: "Naw-sir, boss, naw-sir. Ah makes mah ownlivin'. "

 * * *

A boy and his mother were taking in the circus. Looking at thehippopotamus, he said: "Ma, ain't that the ugliest damn thing you eversaw?"

"Bill, " said his ma, "didn't I tell you never to say 'ain't. '"

 * * *

"Vell, Ikey, my poy, " said Sol to his son, "I've made my vill and leftit all to you. "

"That's very good of you, father, " remarked Ike, eyeing himsuspiciously. "But, bless you, it cost a lot of money for the lawyer andfees and things!"

"Vell?" said Ike more suspiciously. "Vell, it ain't fair I should payall dot, is it? So I'll shust take it off from your next month'ssalary. "

 * * *

_Mr. McNab_ (_after having his lease read over to him_): "I will notsign that; I have na' been able tae keep Ten Commandments for a mansionin Heaven, an' I'm no' gaun tae tackle about a hundred for twa rooms inthe High Street. "

 * * *

"Come, Dorothy, " said her father impatiently, "throw your doll on thebed and hurry or we shall be late. "

"Daddy, how can you?" reproved the child. "I isn't' that kind of amuvver. "

 * * *

"You say you doted on your last mistress?"

"Yes, mum. I certainly did. "

"Then why did you leave her?"

"We couldn't continue to be friends on my wages, mum. "

 * * *

"What's the matter with Smith? Got lumbago or spinal curvature orsomething?"

"No; he has to walk that way to fit some shirts his wife made for him. "

 * * *

"James, have you whispered to-day without permission?"

"Only wunst. "

"Leroy, should James have said wunst?"

"No'm; he should have said twict. "

 * * *

"It appears to be your record, Mary, " said the magistrate, "that youhave already been convicted thirty-five times of stealing. "

"I guess that's right, your honor, " answered Mary. "No woman isperfect. "

 * * *

"That you, dearie? I'm detained at the office on very important businessand I may not be home until late. Don't sit up for me. "

"I won't, dearie. You'll come home as early as you can, won't you? AndJohn, dear----"

"Yes; what is it?"

"Please don't draw to any inside straights. "

 * * *

_The City Nephew:_ "I'm glad to see Aunt Hetty dresses her hair sensiblyinstead of wearing those silly puffs over the ears. "

_Uncle Talltimber:_ "She tried 'em once an' they got tangled up with thetelephone receiver an' she missed more'n half the gossip goin' on overour twenty-party line. "

 * * *

"Ethel, " said the bishop, "you seem to be a bright little girl; can yourepeat a verse from the Bible?"

"I'll say I can. "

"Well, my dear, let us have it. "

"The Lord is my shepherd--I should worry. "

 * * *

Wishing to give his Scotch steward a treat a man invited him to London, and on the night after his arrival took him to a hotel to dine. Duringthe early part of the dinner the steward was noticed to help himselfvery liberally to the champagne, glass after glass of the winedisappearing. Still he seemed very downhearted and morose. Presently hewas heard to remark, "Well, I hope they'll not be very long wi' thewhisky, as I dinna get on verra weel wi' these mineral waters. "

 * * *

An astronomer was entertaining a Scotch friend. He showed his visitorthe moon through a telescope and asked him what he thought of thesatellite. 

"It's a' richt, " replied the Scot, who was an enthusiastic golfer, "butit's awfu' fu' o' bunkers. "

 * * *

"What are you doing, Marjory?"

"I'se writing a letter to Lily Smif. "

"But, darling, you don't know how to write. "

"That's no diff'ence, mamma; Lily don't know how to read. "

 * * *

"What sort of an appearing man is he?"

"Little dried-up feller, " replied the gaunt Missourian, "that looks likehe always ett at the second table. "

 * * *

"Did you hear about the awful trouble that has befallen Mrs. Talkalot?"

"Don't tell me she has lost her voice. "

"No, her husband has lost his hearing. "

 * * *

Two darky boys in a Southern city met on the street, each wearing a newsuit. One asked:

"Nigger, how much do they set you back for dem clo's?"

"Fo'ty dollahs, " was the response. 

"Fo'ty dollahs?"

"Yes, sah; fo'ty dollahs. "

"Look at me, " said the first. "I'se got on a suit w'at's mos' perzactlylike yourn, and I don't pay but ten dollahs fuh mine. Somebody shoreflimflammed you. "

 * * *

The possessor of the forty-dollar suit took hold of one of the coatsleeves of the ten-dollar suit and pulled on it. It stretched. Thenstraightening up he said:

"See here, boy, the fust big rain yo' gets ketched out in dat coat ofyourn is gwine to say, 'Good-by, nigger, f'om now on I'se gwine to beyo' vest. '"

 * * *

"Do you think I shall live until I'm ninety, doctor?"

"How old are you now?"

"Forty. "

"Do you drink, gamble, smoke, or have you any vices of any kind?"

"No. I don't drink, I never gamble, I loathe smoking; in fact, I haven'tany vices. "

"Well, good heavens, what do you want to live another fifty years for?"

 * * *

"I say, Madge, it's bitterly cold. Hadn't you better put something onyour chest?"

"Don't worry, old thing. I've powdered it three times. "

 * * *

_Father:_ "Well, son, you certainly made a fool of yourself! That girlrobbed you of every cent you had. "

_Son:_ "Well, dad, you have to hand it to me for picking them clever. "