IF WINTER DON'T

 =A. B. C. D. E. F. = =NOTSOMUCHINSON=

 BY

 BARRY PAIN

 NEW YORK

 FREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANY

 PUBLISHERS

 Copyright, 1922, by FREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANY

 All rights reserved

 First Printing, September 9, 1922 Second Printing, October 19, 1922 Third Printing, November 22, 1922 Fourth Printing, December 5, 1922

 Printed in the United States of America

_These parodies do good to the book parodied; great good, sometimes;they are kindly meant, and the parodist has usually keenly enjoyed thebook of which he sits down to make a fool. _

 R. L. STEVENSON. 

PREFATORY NOTE

I

"IF WINTER COMES" placed its author not only as a Best Seller, but asone of the Great Novelists of to-day. Not always are those royaltiescrowned by those laurels. Tarzan (of, if I remember rightly, the Apes)never won the double event. And I am told by superior people that, intellectually, Miss Ethel M. Dell takes the hindmost. Personally, Ifound "If Winter Comes" a most sympathetic and interesting book. Ithink there are only two points on which I should be disposed toquarrel with it. Firstly, though Nona is a real creation, Effie is anincredible piece of novelist's machinery. Secondly, I detest theutilization of the Great War at the present day for the purposes offiction. It is altogether too easy. It buys the emotional situationready-made. It asks the reader's memory to supplement the writer'simagination. And this is not my sole objection to its use. 

II

I wonder if I might, without being thought blasphemous, say a word ortwo about the Great Novelists of to-day. They have certain points ofresemblance. I do not think that over-states it. 

They have the same little ways. They divide their chapters intosections, and number the sections in plain figures. This is quitepontifical, and lends your story the majesty of an Act of Parliament. The first man who did it was a genius. And the other seven hundred andeighteen showed judgment. I propose to use it myself when I rememberit. 

Then there is the three-dot trick. At one time those dots indicated anomission. To-day, some of our best use them as an equivalent of thecinema fade-out. Those dots prolong the effect of a word or sentence;they lend it an afterglow. You see what I mean? Afterglow . .. 

One must mention, too, the staccato style--the style that makes theprinter send the boy out for another hundred gross of full-stops. Allthe Great Novelists of to-day use it, more or less. 

III

Let us see what can be done with it. Here, for instance, is a sentencewhich was taught me in the nursery, for its alleged tongue-twistingquality: "She stood at the door of Burgess's fish-sauce shop, Strand, welcoming him in. " In that form it is not impressive, but now notewhat one of these staccato merchants might make of it. 

"Across the roaring Strand red and green lights spelling on the gloom. 'BURGESS'S FISH-SAU. ' A moment's darkness and again 'BURGESS'SFISH-SAU. ' Like that. Truncated. The final --CE not functioning. Hehad to look though it hurt him. Hurt horrible. Damnably. And his eyestraveled downward. 

"Suddenly and beyond hope she! Isobel-at-the-last. Standing in thedoorway. White on black. Slim. Willowy. Incomparable. Incommensurable. She saw him and her lips rounded to a call. He sensed it through thetraffic. Come in. Calling and calling. Come in. 

"Come in. .. . 

"Out of the rain. "

It is like a plaintive hymn sung to a banjo accompaniment. 

Incidentally it illustrates another favorite trick of thesegentlemen--the introduction of a commonplace or even jarring detailinto a romantic scene in order to increase its appearance of reality. It is quite a good trick. 

IV

And sometimes, not every day but sometimes, one gets a little wearyeven of the best tricks. Need the author depend quite so much on theprinter for his effects? Scenes and passages in a book seem to bestanding very near the edge, and the wanton thought occurs to one thata little shove would send them over. In fact, one gets irritable. Andthen anything bad may happen. This parody for instance. 

IF WINTER DON'T

CHAPTER I

Luke Sharper. Age, thirty-four. Married, but not much. Privateresidence, Jawbones, Halfpenny Hole, Surrey. Favorite recreation, suffering. Favorite flower----

Oh, drop it! Let us rather listen to Mr. Alfred Jingle, solicitor, talking to his artist friend. 

"Met Sharper yesterday. Remember him at the old school? Flap Sharperwe called him. Not that they really did flap. His ears, I mean. Theyjust crept up and bent over when he was thinking hard. People came tosee it. Came from miles around. 

"Rum chap. Rum ways. Never agreed with anybody present, includinghimself. Always inventing circumstantial evidence to convict himselfof crimes he had never committed. Remember the window? Half-brick cameflying through it. Old Borkins looked out. Below stood Flap Sharperwith the other half-brick in his hand. Arm drawn back. No other boy insight. The two halves fitted exactly. It certainly looked like it. Poor old Flap found that it felt like it, too. But he had neverchucked that half-brick. Ogilvie did it. Remember him? The one wecalled Pink-eye. Have a drink?

"I offered Sharper my sympathy. Wouldn't have it. Said 'Why?'Maintained that we had all got to suffer in this life, and it wasbetter to begin early. Excellent practice. Then his ears crept up andbent over. Got it again later in the day for drawing a caricature ofold Borkins. Never did it, of course. Couldn't draw. Can't rememberwho did it. Oh, you did, did you? Like you. Have another?

"Yes, we have a certain amount of business in Dilborough. I'mgenerally down there once or twice a year. I walk over to HalfpennyHole and lunch with Sharper. It's a seven mile walk. But lunch at thehotel is seven-and-six. Doing uncommonly well, is Sharper. He's inPentlove, Postlethwaite and Sharper. You know. The only jams thatreally matter. Pickles, too. Chutney. Very hot stuff. Oh, yes, Sharper's all right. 

"You ought to run down and see Halfpenny Hole. What is it the agentssay? Old-world. It's very old-world. Only three houses in it, and alldifferent. Whether the garden settlement will spoil it or not isanother matter. You go and paint it before it gets spoilt. 

"Strictly between ourselves, I am not quite sure that Sharper and hiswife hit it off. Oh, nothing much. It's just that when he speaks toher she never answers, and when she speaks to him he never answers. Infact, if she speaks at all he groans and moves his ears. Charmingwoman, very. Quite pretty. There may be nothing in it. I saw no actualviolence. Sharper may merely have been suffering. He wouldn't be happyif he wasn't. Have a drink. No?"

CHAPTER II

Halfpenny Hole lay in the bottom of a slope seven miles fromDilborough. Dilborough was almost the same distance from HalfpennyHole. Jawbones was, I think we must say, an old-world house, and hadthe date 1623 carved over the doorway. Luke Sharper had carved ithimself. A little further down the road there was--there's no otherword for it--an old-world bridge with--I'm afraid we must have it oncemore--an old-world stream running underneath it. It gave one theimpression that it had always been like that. Always the stream underthe bridge. Never the bridge under the stream. But now that the GardenSettlement had come things might be very different. Houses were goingup; Mr. Doom Dagshaw's Mammoth Circus was going up; even the rateswere going up. 

At the end of his honeymoon Luke Sharper went to see a man about adog, and left his wife to prepare Jawbones for his accommodation. Shewas a good housekeeper, and Luke acknowledged it. Whenever he thoughtabout her at all, he always added "but she _is_ a good housekeeper. "He was desperately fair. 

"This, " said Mabel, opening a door, as Luke began his visit ofinspection, "this is your den. "

Luke's ears moved. He kissed her twice. "But, you know, I cannot bearit. There are some words which I am unable to endure, such assalt-cellar, tuberculosis, tennis-net and den. "

"Very well, " said Mabel, a little coldly, "we'll call it your cage. And just look. There is a pair of my father's old slippers that I havebrought for you. Size thirteen. You've got none quite like that, haveyou?"

He put one arm round her waist. 

"Where did you say the dustbin was?" he asked. 

"But, " she said amazed, "you don't mean to say----Surely you wearslippers?"

"I never was, " he replied firmly. Nor did he. 

"And now, " said Mabel, "come into the kitchen and see the two maidsthat I have engaged. Two nice respectable sisters named Morse--EllenMorse and----"

"There isn't an 'l' in Morse, " he said gloomily. 

"And Kate Morse, " Mabel continued. 

She opened the door into the spotless kitchen, and the two maidssprang instantly to attention. One of them was cleaning silver, theother was still lingering over tea. The first was very long, and thesecond very short. 

Luke slapped his leg enthusiastically. "Oh, by Jove, " he said, "thisis ripping. Morse. Don't you see? Dot and Dash. Dot and Dash. "

He howled with laughter. Dash dropped the tea-pot. Dot had hysterics. 

"I think, " said Mabel, without a smile, "we had better go into thegarden. "

Everything in the garden was lovely. 

"Luke, " said Mabel, "I did not quite like what you said in the kitchenjust now. It was just a teeny-weeny----"

"Funny, wasn't it?" said Luke. "You must admit it was funny. Seemed tocome to me all of a flash. I'll bet that nothing more amusing has beensaid in this house since the day it was built. Dot and Dash! Dot andDash! Oh, help!"

He rolled about the path in uncontrollable laughter. 

Mabel looked sadder and sadder. He said that made it all the funnier, and laughed more. 

After dinner he wrote the joke out carefully. It seemed a pity that_Punch_ should not have it. Mabel yawned, and said she would go up tobed. 

"Tired?" asked Luke. 

"A little. There's something about you, Luke, that makes one feeltired. By the way, did you ever know Mr. Mark Sabre?"

"God forbid--I mean, no. "

"Well, he called one of his maids High Jinks and the other Low, but itturned out later in the story that the one that was first Low becameHigh, while High became Low. I thought I'd just mention it to you as awarning. "

"Right-o. I'll be very careful. I may as well come up to bed myself. The editor of _Punch_ will be a happy man to-morrow morning. "

At intervals that night Mabel was awakened by screams of laughter. Once she enquired what the cause was. 

"Dot and Dash, " he replied, chuckling. "Too good for words! Oh, can'tyou see it?"

"Good-night again, " said Mabel. 

On the following night, when he returned from business, Mabel met himin the hall. 

"Darling, " she said, "we've had trouble with the sink in thescullery. "

"What did you do about it?"

"I sent for the plumber. He seemed such a nice, intelligent man. "

"Have you kept him to dine with us?"

"No. Why on earth should I? He had a glass of beer in the kitchen. "

"People dine with me sometimes, " said Luke, "who are neither nice norintelligent. Oh, can't you see, Mabel, that we are all equal in thesight of Heaven?"

"Yes, " said Mabel, "but you're not in sight of Heaven--not by a longway. I don't suppose you ever will be. Besides, if he had stayed, thedinner could not have gone on. "

Luke's ears twitched convulsively. "I can't see that, " he said. "It isunthinkable. How can you say that?"

"Well, " said Mabel, "one of the vegetables we are to eat to-nighthappens to be leeks. And, of course, he, being a plumber, would havestopped them. "

Luke did not swear. He simply went up to his bedroom in silence. Therehe began ticking certain subjects off on his finger. Number One, Den. Number Two, Slippers. Number Three, Dot and Dash. Number Four, Plumber. She would never see. She would never understand. And he wasmarried to it. He put up both hands and pushed his ears back intoposition. 

(I had fully intended to divide this chapter into sections and tonumber them in plain figures. Careless of me. Thoughtless. Have a shotat it in the next chapter? I think so. Yes, almost . .. )

CHAPTER III

1

Pentlove, Postlethwaite and Sharper occupied a large factory, withoffices and showroom attached, in Dilborough. They had no address. The name of the firm alone was quite sufficient to find them. Somepeople added the word Dilborough; some simply put Surrey; some merelyEngland. They were known to everybody. Their motto--"PerfectPurity"--was in every daily paper every day. And during those weekswhen the pickle manufacturing was going on, every little hamlet withina radius of twenty miles was aware of the fact if the wind set in thatdirection. 

There was no Pentlove in the firm, and no Postlethwaite, and hardlyany Sharper. An ex-schoolmaster, Diggle by name, had secured theentire control of the business. He had no partners, though Sharper hada small interest in the firm. He had achieved this position byunscrupulousness and low cunning. For of real ability he had not atrace. In fact, the staff mostly called him Cain, because he was notable. Another point of resemblance was that he was not much of a handat a sacrifice. He looked after the financial side of the business, and did a good deal of general interference in every branch of it. 

The manufacturing side was under the control of Arthur Dobson, ared-faced man who had been with the firm for twenty years. He verywisely maintained its tradition of the very highest quality coupledwith the very highest prices. "Perfect Purity. " It was an admittedfact that Pentlove, Postlethwaite and Sharper actually used limes inthe manufacture of lime juice. Another startling innovation was theuse of calves' feet in the preparation of calf's-foot jelly. This wasthe more extravagant because, of course, only the front feet of thecalf may be used for this purpose. Three back feet make one back-yard. Naturally the price was ruinous. But it all added to the reputation ofthe firm. And the best hotels thought it worth while to advertise thatthe pickles and preserves they provided were by Messrs. Pentlove, Postlethwaite and Sharper. It may be as well to add that Arthur Dobsonwas a knave. When he was talking to Cain he always slated Sharper. When he was talking to Sharper he always slated Cain. His specialtywas the continuous discovery of some cheaper place in which to lunch. He would ask Luke Sharper to join him in these perilous adventures, but Luke, in his sunny way, always refused. 

"Standoffish, " said Dobson. "Damn standoffish. "

Luke Sharper represented the literary side of the business. Hewrote all the advertisements. It was a rule of the firm that theadvertisements should be scholarly, and that none should appear whichdid not contain at least one quotation from a classical language. Lukehad also initiated the production of various booklets dealing with thematerials and the methods of business. Nominally they were published;practically they were given away to any considerable purchaser. Someof these were written by Sharper himself. There was, for example, "TheRomance of the Raspberry, " of which the _Dilborough Gazette_ had said:"An elegant little brochure. " This was a great triumph. Even Digglehad to admit it. He had gone so far as to say that one of these finedays he would really have to think about making Sharper a partner. Other of the booklets were written in collaboration. For instance, inthe composition of "Thoughts on Purity, " Sharper had the assistance ofthe Reverend Noel Atall. 

Luke kept a set of these booklets, bound in lilac morocco, in his roomat the office. He loved them. He was proud of them. He regarded themas his children, and would sit for hours patting them gently. As theissue of each booklet was limited to one hundred copies, and it wascustomary to present one of them with each order of £20 or upwards, some of them were out of print, and difficult to obtain. This had beenenough to start the collectors. In book catalogues there wouldsometimes appear a complete set of the Pentlove, Postlethwaite andSharper booklets. And the price asked was gratifying. Luke faintedwith joy the first time he saw this in the catalogue. 

At one time he had been in the habit of taking the booklet home inorder to read it aloud to Mabel. He never did it now. It was hopeless. No insight. No sympathy. No appreciation. No anything. Blind and deafto beauty. But she really was a good housekeeper. 

2

Luke bicycled from home to business every morning, and from businessto home every evening. He enjoyed this immensely. Every morning as herode off he said to himself: "Further from Mabel. Further and furtherfrom Mabel. Every day, in every way, I'm getting further and further. "On his return journey in the evening he experienced the same relief ingetting further from old Cain, and further from the office. 

At the middle point of his journey it always seemed to him that he didnot belong to the office any more, and that he did not belong to Mabeleither. He was all his own, in a world by himself. He would go on in asnow-white ecstasy. Then he would get up, dust his clothes, andre-mount. 

He had some habits, which, to the stupid and censorious, might almostseem childish. He cut for himself with his little hatchet a number ofpegs, and always carried some of them in his pocket. At every point onthe road where he fell off, he drove in a peg. It seemed to him asplendid idea. In a wave of enthusiasm he told Mabel all about it. 

"Isn't it absolutely splendid?" he asked. 

"Dotty, " said Mabel, briefly. 

He went out into the woodshed and cut more pegs. 

One Monday morning as he started on his ride he saw before him atintervals all down the road little white specks. Yes, every one ofthose pegs had been painted white by somebody. 

Who could have done it? He decided at once that it must be Mabel. Shehad repented of her harshness. She had made up her mind to try toenter more into his secret soul. This was her silent way of showingit. He determined that if this were so he would start kissing heragain that evening. It overcame him completely. He drove in one morepeg, and re-mounted. 

"Mabel, " he said that night at dinner, "It's good and sweet of you tohave painted all those pegs white. It must have taken you a longtime. "

"Never touched your rotten old pegs, " said Mabel. "Pass the salt. "

His ears twitched. 

3

Later that evening he sat alone in his bedroom. He also used this roomas a study. He had been driven to this somewhat frowsty practice bythe fact that he could not possibly sit in any room that had ever beencalled a den. 

A tap at the door. Ellen Morse entered to turn the bed down. A brightidea flashed across Luke's mind. His ears positively jumped. 

He believed in liberty, equality and familiarity, especiallyfamiliarity. So did Ellen Morse. 

"Dot, " he said, "was it you who painted my fall-pegs white?"

"Well, old bean, " said Dot, "it was like this. I'll tell you. "She seated herself on the bed. "You see, this house has only gotfour reception-rooms and eight bedrooms, and all the washing's doneat home, and all the dressmaking, and there's a good deal ofentertaining, mostly when you're not there, and everything has to beright up to the mark. Well, as there were the whole two of us to doit, your old woman thought time would be hanging heavy on our hands, so now we do the garden as well. The other day Mr. Doom Dagshaw waslunching here, and they were going to play tennis afterwards. Your bitof skirt has some proper games with that Dagshaw. I watch them out ofthe pantry window in my leisure moments. Well, anyhow, I'd to mark outthe tennis court, and I mixed up a bit more of the stuff than wasneeded, and I thought I might as well use it up on your pegs. You see, I get a half-Sunday off every three months, and it was only afourteen-mile walk there and back. And I'm sure I didn't know whatelse to do with my holiday. "

"Dot, " said Luke, "you seem to be able to enter into things. You getthe hang of my ideas. Some do, some don't. If you can sneak off forhalf-an-hour to-morrow evening we'll go and play at boats together. "

"Boats?"

"Yes. You know the bridge. We get two pieces of wood, throw them inthe stream on one side, then run across and watch them come out on theother. And the one that comes out first, wins. Won't that beglorious?"

"Well, you are one to think of things, " said Dot. 

(And now we'll have a little novelty. The Great Novelists of to-daynumber their sections. We'll have a number without any section. Thishas never been done be----

4

CHAPTER IV

It can be hardly necessary to say that Mabel caught Luke and Dotplaying boats on the following evening. Luke was always discovered. Hewas even detected when he had done nothing. 

As he dressed for dinner that night, he reflected that once more Mabelhad disappointed him. He had expected her to get into a fury ofjealousy, and to suspect him of the most criminal intentions withregard to Dot. This would have been real suffering for him, and hewould have enjoyed it. But all she had said to him was that she wishedhe would behave a little more like a man and a little less like ababy, and an imbecile baby at that. All she had said to Dot was thatshe thought she could find her some other occupation. It was difficultfor him to keep his temper. But he exercised self-control. In fact, henever spoke another word for the rest of the evening. It was a pity. He was such a pleasant man. Why could not Mabel see it?

Things were no better at breakfast next morning. 

Mabel said, "Just fancy, Mrs. Smith in a sable stole at church lastSunday, and I know for a fact that he only gets three-ten. If it wasreal sable it was wicked, and if it was not she was acting a lie. "

Luke smote the table once with his clenched fist, spilt his tea, andresumed his newspaper. 

"Further from Mabel, " he thought, as he mounted his bike. "Every day, in every way, I'm getting further and further. "

About two miles from Dilborough he became suddenly aware that twomotor-cars were approaching him. They were being driven abreast atracing speed, and occupied the whole of the road. For one moment Lukethought of remaining where he was, and causing Mabel to be a widow. Then, murmuring to himself, "Safety first, " he ran up the grassy slopeat the side of the road and fell off. Both the cars pulled up. A man'svoice sang out cheerily: "Hallo, Sharper. Hallo, hallo. Who gave youleave to dismount?"

Luke recognized the voice. One of the cars was driven by Lord Tyburn, and the other by his wife, Jona. 

Luke hurriedly drove in a peg to mark the spot, and came down into theroad again. 

"How's yourself?" said Lord Tyburn. "We've been away for two years. Timbuctoo, Margate. All over the place. Only got back to Gallows lastnight. "

Luke shook hands with him and with Jona. 

"You've not changed much, " said Jona. "Same funny old face. "

"It is the only one that I happen to have, Lady Tyburn. "

"Oh, drop it. Call me Jona. You always used to, Lukie, you know. AndBill don't mind; do you, Bill?"

"That? Lord, no. But what you have been and done, Sharper, is to spoila very pretty and sporting event. Jona and I were racing to HalfpennyHole, and I'd got her absolutely beaten. "

"Liar, " said Jona, "I was leading--leading by inches. "

"Ah, but I'd lots in reserve. "

"Strong, silent man, ain't you?" said Jona. 

They both laughed. 

"Yes, " said Luke, "I'm afraid I was rather in the way. I seem to bealmost always in the way. It happens at home. It happens at theoffice. I say, I wonder what you two would have done if you'd met acart?"

"Jumped it, " said Jona, and laughed again. 

"Sorry, " said Lord Tyburn, "but I must rush off. I've just spotted myagent, five fields away. So long, Sharper. Come up and inspect ussoon. "

He drove the car up the grassy slope, smashed a way through thehedge--after all, it was his own hedge--and vanished. 

"He drives wonderfully, " said Luke. 

"He's that kind, " said Jona. "He does everything well. He does himselfwell. Are you glad to see me again, Lukie?"

The tips of his ears crept slowly forward. "I shall have to think fora long time to know that I really am to see you again. "

"'Fraid I can't wait a long time, " said Jona. "See you again soon. "

She waved her hand to him and drove off. 

Luke rode on as if in a dream. Suddenly he became aware that he hadpassed the door of his office. He thought of turning round in thestreet and riding back, but he had turned round in the street oncebefore, and a great number of people had been hurt. He dismounted andwalked back. 

As his custom was, he knocked at the door of Mr. Diggle's room andentered. Mr. Diggle, who still retained much of his schoolmastermanner, sat at his desk with his back to Sharper. He did not lookround. 

"That you, Sharper?" he said. 

"Yes, sir. Good morning, " said Sharper. 

Diggle went on writing for a minute in silence, and then saiddrearily: "Well, what is it?"

"Please can I have that partnership now?" asked Sharper. 

"Not to-day. Don't fidget with your hands. Keep your ears quiet, ifpossible. Close the door gently as you go out. "

Luke went gloomily back to his own room. He had not done himselfjustice. He never did do himself justice with Diggle. Diggle made himfeel as if he were fifteen. 

But thoughts of Diggle did not long occupy his mind. Once more heseemed to be standing in the road, with the warm fragrance of petroland lubricating oil playing on his face. Once more he saw her. 

Jona. 

Some would have hesitated to call her beautiful. To Luke she was allthe beauty in the world. Concentrated. At one time Jona had had thechance of marrying him, but apparently she did not know a good thingwhen she saw it. Tyburn had the title and the property, and wasbetter-looking and more amusing, and had stationary ears. But had hethe character of a child martyr? He had not. Now Luke was great atmartyrdom; also at childishness. 

For nearly an hour Luke sat with his manuscript before him. He waswriting another elegant little brochure. This one dealt with thejam-pots of Ancient Assyria. During that hour he did not write onesingle word, but thought continuously of Jona. 

He pulled himself up abruptly. Why, he was married to Mabel. Ofcourse, he was. It was just as if he could not trust his memory foranything these days. He had been rather rude to Mabel at breakfast. Well, not rude exactly, but not friendly. Mrs. Smith had a sablestole. He ought to have said something about it. He must try at onceto think of something that would be said about a sable stole. 

He must make it up to Mabel in some way. What could he give her? Hecould give her more of his society. He would stop work, go back to herat once, and be just as nice as nice could be. 

He put on his hat, and met Diggle in the passage. 

"Where are you going?" said Diggle. 

"I was going home, sir, " said Luke, "I'm not very well this morning. "

(For a Christian martyr he certainly did lie like sin. )

"Don't let it occur again, " said Diggle. 

He encountered Mabel in the hall of his house. She had a letter in herhand. She seemed surprised to see him, and very far from pleased. 

"What in goodness are you here for?" she said. "Forgotten something?"

He set his teeth. In spite of discouragement, he was going to be verynice indeed. 

"I am afraid, " he said, "I rather forgot my manners at breakfast thismorning. Sorry. "

"I didn't notice they were any worse than usual. You surely didn'tcome back to say that?"

"Oh, no. I thought we'd take a holiday together. Like old times, what?We'll go for a nice long walk, and take a packet of sandwichesand----"

"Oh, don't be silly. I can't possibly go out. Probably Mr. DoomDagshaw is coming to lunch. "

"He's a damned sweep, " said Luke impulsively, and corrected himself. "I mean to say, he's not a man whose society I'm particularly anxiousto cultivate. "

"How was I to know you would come barging in like this? I never wantedyou to meet him. "

More self-control needed. 

"I shall be perfectly pleasant and chatty to him, " said Lukeresolutely. 

"This letter's just come for you, " said Mabel. "The address is in LadyTyburn's handwriting. "

He blushed profusely. His ears waved to and fro. Why on earth had notJona warned him that this was going to happen?

"Read it, " said Mabel. 

He glanced through it. It was very brief. 

"Well?" asked Mabel. 

"It's nothing. Nothing at all. "

"I should like to see it, if you don't mind. "

She took the letter and read aloud: "Lukie, dear. Just back from twoyears' travel. You two might blow in to lunch one day. Any old day. Chops and tomato sauce. Yours, Jona. "

"Most extraordinary, " said Mabel. "Why does she call you Lukie?"

"Well, damn it all, " said Luke, "she couldn't call me lucky. Oh, whatdoes it matter? We were boy and girl together. Innocent friends oflong standing. "

"And what does this mean? Chops and tomato sauce? Chops! GraciousHeavens! And tomato sauce. "

"It's just a joke. Silly, no doubt. "

"It might be an allusion to your complexion at the present moment. Itmight be a mere substitute for some endearing word or promise, agreeably to a preconcerted system of correspondence. "

He had an uneasy feeling that he had heard or read all this beforesomewhere. 

"Merely a joke, " he pleaded. "And what does it matter?"

"She's a cat, anyhow. She'd better keep off the grass, and I'll tellher so. What did she say when she saw you this morning?"

"Hardly anything. Her husband was with her. I say, how on earth didyou know?"

"Her husband was not with her when I met her. But do you know whatthis sudden return of yours means? This unusual desire to apologizefor your manners, and to take me out for the day? Guilty conscience. I'm going into the garden to cut flowers for the luncheon table. "

"Let me come with you and hold the scissors?"

"If you hold the scissors, how the dickens am I going to cut theflowers? You're really too trying. "

No, it was not going well. More self-control would be needed. A happyidea struck him. 

"Didn't you say that Mrs. Smith had a stable sole--I mean, a sablestole, in church or somewhere?"

"And you don't try that on either. "

"I don't suppose I should look well in it, " he said brightly. 

He followed her into the garden. The flowers were cut, andsubsequently arranged, in complete silence. He had the feeling thatanything he said might not be taken down, but would certainly be usedin evidence against him. 

And then, in the hall, was heard the voice of Mr. Doom Dagshaw, theproprietor of the Mammoth Circus at the Garden Settlement. 

"Lunch ready? So it ought to be. Don't announce me. Waste of time. Iknow my way about in this house. "

He entered. He was a young man of sulky, somewhat dictatorialexpression. His dress had something of the clerical appearance, aneffect at which he distinctly aimed. 

"Hallo, " he said, and sat down on the table and yawned. Then he caughtsight of Luke. 

"You here?" he said. "What for?"

"Just a little holiday, " said Luke nervously, "a little treat for me. You don't mind?"

Doom Dagshaw did not answer him, but turned to Mabel. 

"Lunch is ready, " he said, "let's get on to it. "

They passed into the dining-room. Luke observing salmon at one end ofthe table, and cutlets at the other, asked, with a smile, if those twosentences generally ran concurrently. 

"Oh, hold your jaw, " said Dagshaw. 

"That's the way to talk to him, " said Mabel approvingly. 

"Yours, too, " Dagshaw added, turning to Mabel. "I'll do any talkingthat has to be done. I'm here to talk about my circus. Yes, and to eatham. Isn't any? Ought to be. Give me three of those cutlets. You don'trealize what a circus is, you people. It's a church. It's a cathedral. It's more. "

"I hope, " said Luke, "that it's getting on nicely, and will be a greatsuccess. "

"Bound to be. Can't help it. When I bought the land from the GardenSettlement Syndicate I made it a condition that there should be aclause in every lease granted that a year's season ticket should betaken for the Mammoth Circus. "

"I don't quite see, " said Mabel, "how it's like a church. "

"The circus has a ring. The ring is a circle. The circle is the symbolof eternity. Will anybody be able to see my highly-trained chimpanzeein the trapeze act without realizing as he has never realized before, the meaning of the word uplift? Think of the stars in their program. And by what strenuous discipline and self-denial they have reachedtheir high position. "

"'Per ardua ad astra, '" quoted Luke. 

"Hold your jaw. Three more cutlets. Think of the clowns. They tumbleover, they fall from horses, they fail to jump through the rings. Theyare lashed by the whip of the ring-master. What a lesson in reverenceis here. People who jeer, people who make fun, people who parody greatworks of fiction always and invariably come to a bad end. It will benot only a mammoth circus but a moral circus. It will be the greatestethical institution in this part of the world. Its work will be moresubtle than that of any other. Its appeal will be to the unconsciousrather than to the conscious mind. Freud never thought of that. I didit myself. I am a genius. Potatoes. "

After lunch it was suggested that Mr. Doom Dagshaw should take Mabelup to the Garden Settlement to see the progress that was being made inthe building of the Mammoth Circus. 

"You won't care to come?" said Mabel to her husband. And it seemedless like a question than a command. 

"No, not in my line, " said Luke, still doing his best. "Hope you'llenjoy yourselves. "

When they had gone, Luke retired to his study-bedroom. There was a tapat the door. It was Dot who entered. 

"She's out, " said Dot. "Boats?"

"Right-o. Gorgeous, " said Luke. 

 * * * * *

Normally dinner was at half-past seven. But Mabel did not get backtill a quarter to eight. It was eight o'clock before they began. Mabeloffered no explanation beyond saying that there really had been agreat deal of architectural detail to examine. Luke had prepared aseries of six pleasant and gratifying things to say about Mr. DoomDagshaw and the Mammoth Circus. He found himself absolutely unable tosay any of them. He could say other things. He could say "Windmill, watermill" ten times over, very quickly, without a mistake. Butsomehow he could not say Mammoth Circus. 

Well, at any rate, he might be bright and amusing. At this time it wascustomary--perhaps too customary--to ask if you had read a certainbook by a certain author, the name of the author being artfullyarranged so as to throw some light on the title of the book. Lukeremembered three of these which had been told him at the office. Unfortunately they were all of them far too improper for general use. 

So he just said any bright thing that came into his mind. Mabel lookedvery tired. She admitted she was tired. She said she had walked abouta thousand miles. 

"And then I come back to this kind of thing, " she said. 

The rest of the dinner, which was brief, passed in complete silence. Then Mabel went into the drawing-room, and Luke remained behind andlit a cigarette. 

"This will never do, " he said to himself. "I must keep it up. I mustbe pleasant. I must say number one of those six sentences about DoomDagshaw and the Mammoth Circus, even it if splits my palate and mytongue drops out. "

He threw down his cigarette, walked firmly into the drawing-room, andclosed the door. "Mabel, " he said, "I hope you enjoyed your visit tothe Doom Circus with Mr. Mammoth Dagshaw. "

Mabel looked up coldly from the book she was reading. 

"Back again already?" she said. "Well, what was it you were saying?"

"I was saying, " said Luke gaily, "that I hoped you enjoyed your visitto the Dammoth Circus with Mr. Dag Moomshaw. "

"Port never did agree with you, " said Mabel. "You shouldn't take it. "She resumed her book. 

Luke tried the second of the pleasant sentences. 

"Dagshaw always seems to me to be one of those masterful men whosooner or later----"

He ducked his head just in time, and the book which Mabel had thrownknocked over the vase of flowers behind him. 

"If you can't let me read in peace, " she said, "at any rate, youshan't sneer at my friends. You're always doing it, and everybodynotices it. I simply can't understand you. You're like nothing onearth. What have you done with that love-letter of yours?"

"Oh, come, " he said, "I've had no love letter. "

"You silly liar; I mean the letter from your Lady Tyburn. Have youbeen kissing it?"

"Really, Mabel, this is absurd. I might as well ask you if you havebeen kissing the Mammoth Circus. "

"I'm going to bed, " said Mabel abruptly. "I'm absolutely fed up withyou. I'm sick to death of you. I hate you. And I despise you. "

She went out and slammed the door violently. Four more vases wentover, and three pictures fell. 

Luke went over to the open window and looked out into the cool night. At the house opposite a girl was singing very beautifully "The End ofa Perfect Day. "

CHAPTER V

As he sat in his office on the following Thursday morning, the whistleof the speaking-tube sounded shrilly and interrupted him in the act ofcomposition. He went angrily to the tube. 

"What do you want to interrupt me for, " he called, "when you know I'mbusy? What the devil do you want, anyway?"

"I want you, Lukie, " said a gentle voice in reply. 

"Come up at once, " he said. "Awfully sorry. Frightfully glad you'vecome. If there's a chance of making a mistake within a hundred milesof me, I seldom miss it. "

Lady Tyburn came radiantly into the room, drawing off her gloves. 

"Nasty shock for you, isn't it?" she said. She held out both hands tohim. "Will you . .. Will you help yourself?"

"Thanks, " he said, as he clasped them warmly. "I will have some ofeach. "

After a minute or two she withdrew her hands and sat down. 

"Has that dirty dog given you a partnership yet?" she asked. 

"Diggle? Not yet. I ask him from time to time. He always seems toobusy to talk about it at any length. It's wonderful to see you here, Jona. "

"You got my letter?"

"I did. In fact, there was some considerable beano about it at home. But never mind about that. "

"You didn't come to see me, so I was drawn here. Magnet and tin-tack. "

He looked at her little white nose. "I see the point, " he said. 

"Say some more, " she said, "I like to hear you talk, Funnyface. Funnyold ears. Funny old cocoanut with, oh, such a lot of milk in it. Youdo think a lot of thinky thoughts, don't you. And you put them alldown in those dear little books of yours. "

"Not all, " said Luke, "I'm limited in my subjects. Jam, you know. Pickles. Sardines. That hurts--to be limited. I want to be free. Here, I am imprisoned. I am buried alive. Plunged, still teething, in thebrougham. "

"Still teething? I knew you were young at heart. Still, at the age ofthirty-two----"

"I had intended to say that I was plunged, still breathing, in thetomb. I do get carried away so. Sometimes I form plans. I think I willleave this business and write my biography. It would be a record, notof the facts that are, but of the facts as I should like them to be. "

"Brilliant, " said Jona. 

"I don't know, " said Luke, wagging his ears, "I sometimes doubtwhether I am sufficiently in touch with real life. I must consultsomebody about it. "

"Consult me. No, not now. Show me the first of the little books thatyou ever wrote. "

He handed her the little lilac-bound copy of "The Romance of aRaspberry. " She put it reverently to her lips, patted it gently, andlaid it down again. 

"Do you talk it over with Mabel? Isn't Mabel tremendously proud ofit?"

"She is tremendously proud, but she has great self-restraint. " Herecalled the end of the perfect day. "As a general rule, " he added, "when nothing happens to irritate her. "

"Does she love you very much?"

"I don't remember her mentioning anything of the kind recently. Butit's you I want to talk about, Jona. Tell me about your life. "

"I don't live. I'm marking time. You throw a brick into thestream----"

"No, " said Luke, "not a brick. I sometimes play boats. "

"I was going to say, " Jona continued, "that the brick remainsmotionless while the stream goes past it. "

"But cannot we apply the principle of relativity here?" he asked. "Mayit not be that the stream stands still while the brick goes past it?It would appear so to the brick. "

"That's one of your dinky, thinky thoughts, isn't it?"

A sound of uproar, of crashes and loud voices, came up from the streetbelow. 

"I wonder what that is?" said Luke. 

"It's Bill, probably. He said he'd call for me. " She crossed over tothe window and looked out. "Yes, that's Bill. Driving the team ofzebras he got from Doom Dagshaw. The horses don't seem to like it. There's a cart and horse just gone in at that draper's window. Quite anumber of horses seem to have fallen down on the pavement. There's apoliceman with a note-book. He seems to be asking Bill questions. AndBill's making him laugh. He manages those zebras perfectly. He doeseverything well. "

Luke had joined her at the window. "Who's the lady sitting besidehim?" he asked. 

"One of his harem. Staying with us. Don't pity me. I deserve nothing. I made a mistake once. Don't ask me what. Don't come down with me. Good-bye, Lukie, dear. "

Luke watched her as she drove off. And then Mr. Diggle entered withoutknocking. 

"Who's your lady friend?" said Diggle, snappishly. "I mean the onethat's just gone off in the circus. Simply unendurable. The wholestreet outside my business premises in confusion. I opened my windowto look out, and that man pointed me out with his whip and said to thegirl beside him: 'That's our Mr. Diggle. If you like our chutney, tryour cheddar. ' I shall go down and speak to the policeman at once. Thissort of thing must be stopped. Come, come, Sharper, give me the name, please. "

"The lady who called to see me, " said Luke, "was Lady Tyburn. It washer husband who was driving the zebras. "

"That makes a difference. Our spirited young aristocracy! I understandthat the firm's productions are used exclusively up at Gallows. Gladyou mentioned the name, Sharper. "

"And can I have that partnership now?" asked Luke. 

"Not immediately. Get on with your work. "

 * * * * *

But it was impossible to work with the image of Jona still in hismind. He was puzzled. Grasping one ear in each hand he tried to thinkit out. What had she meant by "help yourself, " and "the magnet and thetin-tack?" Why had she kissed "The Romance of the Raspberry?" What didshe mean by "I made a mistake?" It almost looked as if . .. 

No, it could not be that. 

Still, really you know, when you came to think about it . .. 

He walked over to the window once more. In the street below thepoliceman was instructing a group of drivers, the draper, and otherpersons concerned, that all applications for compensation should besent in to Lord Tyburn, and that they would be dealt with strictly inrotation. 

CHAPTER VI

1

On his arrival at the office next morning Luke was somewhat surprisedto receive a visit in his office from Mr. Arthur Dobson. ApparentlyMr. Dobson had something on his mind. He wandered about nervouslysaying incoherent things about the weather. 

"Anything doing?" asked Luke. 

"Nothing much. I say, I've found a new place to lunch at. It's run byan Italian, Malodorato. Quite a little place, in Mud Lane. Still thereit is, you know. Five courses for one and threepence. That takes somebeating. "

"Stuff must be pretty bad. "

"Well, possibly yes. But think what a lot of it you get for yourmoney. Come and lunch there to-day. "

"Thanks. I have promised to go up to Gallows to-day to lunch with theTyburns. "

"You and your aristocratic friends. Well, I could tell you something, Mr. Sharper. I ought not to. It would have to be distinctly understoodthat you don't breathe a word about it to a soul. "

"Of course, of course. "

"Very well, then. You look at that sheet of office paper. Old Cain hasgot his name above the line, and yours and mine beneath it. Well, Imay tell you that in a few days' time the only name below the linewill be your own. I'm being taken into partnership. "

"What a damned shame! I mean to say, I congratulate you. That oldblighter has been talking about taking me into partnership for thelast two years. At any rate, I have. "

"I only talked to him about it once. You see, I happen to be the onlyone of us three that understands the manufacturing side. You've neverbeen inside the factory in your life. Diggle hardly ever goes, exceptto make a fool of himself by some damn silly suggestion. No, he keepsto the financial side. He's got a whole pack of doubtful financialdodges, and he'll get seven years for one of them some day. All I didwas to tell Diggle that I was applying for the post of manager in acertain rival firm, having had twenty years' experience here. And Iasked him if he would give me a testimonial. He said: 'No, but I willgive you a partnership. ' You don't seem to get hold of the right wayof doing things, Sharper. "

"All the same, " said Sharper, "I'm going straight off to Diggle's roomnow, and I'm going to give him hell. "

"Oh, I say, you can't do that. If he knew I'd told you, there'd be thevery devil of a row. "

"Oh, he won't know. I may be a high-minded sufferer, but I'm a veryfair liar as well. I'll put it right for you. "

He entered Mr. Diggle's room. Mr. Diggle, seated with his back to him, continued the letter he was writing. 

"Look here, " said Sharper impulsively, "what have you been and donewith that partnership of mine?"

"That you, Sharper? Sit down. I shall be a minute or two. I said, sitdown. I did not ask you to twist your feet round the legs of thechair. Refrain also from waggling your toes violently. It interruptsmy train of thought. Keep the hand still, if you please. Thank you. "

There were three minutes of absolute silence during which Diggle, inthe most leisurely way possible, finished and blotted his letter. 

"And now, Sharper, " said Diggle, "I think you wished to saysomething. "

"Well, I mean to say, what have you been and done with mypartnership?"

"I was not aware that you had one. "

"No, but you promised me. And now you've gone and given it to Dobson. "

"I promised you nothing. And that, I think, is what you have got. Dobson is very gravely in error in telling you anything at all aboutit. If you will kindly send him here, I will speak to him on thesubject. "

"Dobson never said a single word about it. I'll take my Bible oath henever did. He came into my room and began to speak in rather adictatorial way, and I said, 'You might be a partner, ' and heblushed. "

"I do not think so, " said Diggle. "Dobson does not blush. If he didblush it could not show on that complexion. "

"But on my word of honor he did. White-faced men blush red. Red-facedmen blush purple. Any man of science will tell you that. "

"The appointment of a partnership is entirely within my discretion. Ithas nothing to do with you. If you have nothing further to say, I neednot detain you. "

"I've a lot more to say, only I can't think of it. I never can. Butit's there. Inside my head. On the letter paper you and he will haveyour names above the line, and mine will be below it. "

"That merely shows that I know where to draw the line. I wish youdid. "

"It's not for myself I mind so much. It's those dear little books ofmine. All bound in lilac morocco. Sitting down. It's just as if theywere slighted. If this kind of thing goes on, I shan't play any more. "

"I'm not asking you to. But you can return to your work. And youremind me. I have had a bill from the binders of those books sent into the firm's account. I have explained that this should be charged toyour private account. You will get it in due course. Close the doorquietly, please, as you go out. "

On his way back to his own room Luke again encountered Arthur Dobson. 

"It's all right, " said Luke, "I said you didn't tell me, but had givenit away by blushing when I chanced to speak of it. "

"Couldn't you have thought of a better one than that?"

"Oh, it's all right. And I don't mind telling you I've given him apretty good dressing-down. I let him have the rough side of mytongue. "

"Ah, " said Dobson, "now that really is something like a lie. "

Luke went back to his own room and sat there deep in thought. Why waseverybody so hard and cold? Diggle, Dobson, Mabel--they were all socruel and rude to him. Nobody loved him. Except Dot and Dash, andpossibly . .. 

No, that was not to be thought of. 

All the same it reminded him that it was time for him to brush hishair and wash his little hands, and go up to lunch at Gallows. 

2

It was a large luncheon party, for Gallows was full of guests. Everybody was very merry and bright, except Luke. Tyburn was speciallyelated, for his little drive with the zebras had only cost thirteenhundred altogether. There had apparently been a terrific rag the nightbefore. While the guests were at dinner, Tyburn arranged for a numberof wild beasts to be brought up from the Mammoth Circus. One was putinto the bedroom of each guest to greet him or her on going to bed. No, there had been no real damage done. One of the lions had fainted. It had been given sal volatile, and had recovered. Only three of theanimals and two of the guests were missing. And one of the guests wasa Bishop who had never been really wanted. Jona told the whole storyhilariously. 

Why was it, Luke asked himself, that she was always so merry andbright with others, and so very different when she was with him? Couldit be that she wore a mask to the rest of the world, and disclosed herreal self only to him? It could. It could also be just the other wayround. That was the annoying part of it. 

He was depressed during lunch. The story of Tyburn's practical joke ofthe previous evening had upset him. He did not like these practicaljokes. He was nervous. He felt that at any moment, at a preconcertedsignal, the table might blow up, or the ceiling fall down. Everybodyelse would laugh, and he would hate it. He seldom laughed at anythinganybody else laughed at, though he enjoyed some little jokes of hisown that nobody else seemed to appreciate. Especially Mabel. Sheseemed to be enjoying herself at the other side of the table, laughingat the stories that Major Capstan was telling her. From the Major'sexpression, Luke diagnosed that the stories were not quite--well, notexactly--oh, you know. Would it be Doom Dagshaw or Major Capstan? Oh, what was he thinking of?

Why had he not been put next to Jona? Why did the girl on his right, whom he had never met before, persist in addressing him as Funnyface?Why is a mouse when it spins? The world was full of conundrums. 

In the garden after lunch, Jona came straight up to him. 

"We are going to play games, " she said. 

"What games?"

"Well, this morning we played leap-frog down the stairs. That was alittle idea of Bill's. "

Luke had noticed at lunch that two of the guests wore sticking-plasteron their noses. This explained it. 

"I don't think I should like playing leap-frog, " he said. "I sometimesplay at boats with Dot. "

"We'll play at hide-and-seek, " said Jona. "You and I will hidetogether. Come along. "

They hid in the cool dusk of the tool-shed. Jona sat on thewheelbarrow and talked, and talked, and talked. 

At the end of half-an-hour, Luke had failed to ask her what she hadmeant by certain things on the day that she had called at his office. He made rather a specialty of not being able to say anything that heparticularly wanted to say. 

He said: "It's funny they've not found us yet. "

"Not so very funny, " said Jona. "You see, I forgot to tell any of themthat we were going to play this game. Here's one of the gardenerscoming. Damn. I suppose we'd better join the rest of the crowd. "

It was not until Mabel and Luke were leaving that Luke got a chance ofanother word with Jona. 

"We're leaving for town to-morrow, " said Jona. "You'll write and tellme everything that's in your old head, won't you?"

Luke felt that he ought not to write. Mabel would not like it. Itwould be wrong. 

"Thanks, " he said, "we so seldom have any postage stamps in the house. And I've lost my Onoto pen, and I sprained my wrist falling off mybicycle. "

"Oh, do write, Lukie dear. " She held out her hand to him. 

"Good-by, " he said, and ran down the steps. At the bottom of the stepsstood the cab, an interesting antique, which was to convey Mabel home. Mabel and Major Capstan were waiting near the door. 

"You only took about twenty minutes saying good-by to Lady Tyburn, "said Mabel. "I'm giving Major Capstan a lift. If you think it's fairon the horse to ask it to draw the three of us, get in, of course. Otherwise, it's beautiful weather for a nice walk. "

"I will walk, " said Luke. "I prefer it. " He wished to be alone. 

He sat down on the first milestone in the road, and meditated with hishead in his hands. 

Mabel. His wife. He was very good to her. He had been perfectlyfaithful to her. And was it worth while? What did she think about him?How much did she care for him? There were two men after her. He seemedto visualize the situation as a scrap from the stop-press of anewspaper. 

 1. MABEL. 2. DOOM. 3. CAPSTAN. 

 Also ran. Luke Sharper, Esq. 

3

He recalled some of the things Jona had said to him in the tool-shed. She had been rather frank in speaking of her husband. 

"Bill's wonderful, " she said. "He caught the tiger last night. Whenthe keeper couldn't get it. He does everything well. He is the mostfascinating man in the world--until you get used to him. I've got usedto him. He fascinates all women. That would not matter so much, butnearly all women fascinate him. I pretend not to notice it. I think hedoes it partly to see how I will take it. I remain merry and bright. With a breaking heart, you understand. How much longer I shall be ableto stand it, I do not know. Oh, my hands are so cold. "

He had noticed a pair of the gardener's gloves lying on thelawn-mower. He handed them to her. She flung them away, a littlepetulantly it seemed to him. 

He rose from the milestone and walked on. Certain words seemed to keeptime with his footsteps. "She wants me to write to her. And I oughtnot. She wants me to write to her. And I ought not. "

He passed the post-office, and turned back to it again. Went on, andagain turned back. This time he entered with his mind all bemused. 

"Have you any nice stamps?" he asked. 

CHAPTER VII

Mabel looked very enraged as she entered the house. "Anything thematter?" he enquired. 

"Yes. You might not think so. As I do, probably you wouldn't. ButEllen's got a new parasol, and Kate's got a swollen knee, and has gotto have it up. "

"And I suppose it will be just the same with Ellen's parasol. Isuppose you wanted it the other way round--Dot to have the parasol andEllen to have the----"

"I wanted nothing of the kind. Why should I want my cook to gopeacocking about with a pink parasol, making a fool of herself, andbringing disgrace on the house? Why should I want Kate to beincapacitated from doing her proper work?"

"I think, " said Luke, "I must go and see it. "

"Go and see Kate's knee? Don't be indelicate. "

"No, I meant the parasol. I should imagine that Dot's knee has solelya pathological interest at present. But I did mean the parasol--Iswear it. How did it come about?"

"Love of finery. Vanity. Passion for wasting her money. "

"Oh, this time I meant the knee--not the parasol. "

"Well, that was just absolute selfishness. All servants love to getswollen knees, and chilblains and chapped hands. They like to make afuss about themselves. And to make their employer pay a substitute todo their work. They're all like that. It was just the same before Imarried. Yes, every housemaid I employ. Contracts these swollenkneeses. They only do it to annoy. Because they know it teases. "

"But what are you going to do about it? Have you got medical advice?Do you think a nurse will be needed? When I had the measles the onlythings I fancied were----"

"Kate has not got measles. She's got a cold compress, and she's gotthe entire contents of the plate-chest to clean. And when she'sfinished that, I'll find her something else. If she thinks she can'twork sitting down, she will discover that she is mistaken. "

"Wait a minute. I've got a joke. A real one this time. Dot with aswollen knee. We shall have to call her Dot-and-go-one. See? Well, whydon't you laugh? I must go into the kitchen and tell them at once. "

Mabel sighed deeply. There were simply no words for him. He was rightaway outside, beyond the limit. In a few minutes he came back again. 

"It certainly does look very pink, " he said. 

"That's the effect of the cold compress. Though why on earth youshould----"

"I didn't mean the knee, I meant the parasol. I'll swear I did. "

"Well, whatever you meant, I wish you would keep out of the kitchen. Iwish you wouldn't address the servants by nicknames. I wish youwouldn't be so abominably familiar with them. "

"Familiar? Well, hang it all, when a poor girl's got a swollen kneeit's unfriendly not to show a little sympathy. It does no harm. I justchatted her on the peak----"

"You----?"

"As I said, I just patted her on the cheek, and asked her how she wasgetting on. No harm in that. "

"And now perhaps you'll tell me what on earth I'm to do for asubstitute. I don't know of a single girl in this neighborhood whocould come in and help. "

"I have it. I can save the situation. I have an idea. On the 16thinst. , at Jawbones, Halfpenny Hole, Surrey, Mr. Luke Sharper, of anidea. Both doing well. "

"Would you mind telling me what you are talking about?"

"I'm talking about old Vessunt. He's a foreman. Up at the factory. Fine old chap. Religious but quite honest. He's got a daughter, Effie. Very superior girl. And she's looking for a job. I can get her for youto-morrow morning. Effie Vessunt. Rather bright and sparkling, what?"

"At any rate, I can see her. "

"You can, even with the naked eye. But I say, you know, she really israther superior. She'll have to have her meals with us. "

"If I engage her, she will feed in the kitchen. "

"Mabel, must you always disagree with me? Have you no spirit ofcompromise? Can't you meet me half way in a little thing like this?"

"If I met you half way the girl would have her meals in the passage. And I don't suppose she'd like it, and anyhow she'd be in everybody'sway. "

"And this when I've just been of real use to you. "

"So you ought to be. You were indirectly responsible for the accidentthat gave Kate the swollen knee. It was your wretched old push-bikethat she fell over. "

Luke wagged his ears. "Indirectly, " he said. "There are many of us init indirectly. Dunlop, for instance. Niggers in a rubber plantation. Factories in Coventry. A retail shop in High Holborn. And me. Allworking together. Combining and elaborating in order to give Dot anasty one on the knee-cap. It's rather a great thought when you cometo think it out that way. "

"I can't see why you want to ride that old job-lot of scrap-iron atall. You might just as well go by train, now that the new line isopened. All my friends do it. Why can't you go by train?"

"I believe I know the answer to that one. Don't tell me. I'll goupstairs and think it out. "

He went up to the frowsty study-bedroom, and sat down at his table. Mechanically he drew from his pocket the sheet of thirty stamps withwhich, after a few disparaging remarks, the lady at the post-officehad supplied him. He spread them out before him. Thirty stamps. Thirtyletters to Jona. He felt inclined to kiss every one of them. 

He did not do so. He reflected that in the ordinary course of affixingthem to the envelope he would put them to his lips in any case. It wasnot sense to do the same piece of work twice over. 

Jona. 

Should he, or shouldn't he? He knew that he shouldn't. Mabel would notlike it. He ought to put Jona out of his mind, and to burn thosestamps. But that was not economical. It was possible to have thirtystamps, and yet to avoid writing thirty love-letters to Jona. Hefolded them up and put them back in his pocket. 

What was it he had come up to do? He remembered. Mabel had asked him aquestion. He ran downstairs and rejoined her. 

"Because of the season ticket, " he said. 

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you asked me why I couldn't go by train. I could get a seasonticket, but I should lose it the first day. Then they fine you fortyshillings, and make you buy another. And that would go on, and on, andon until I was bankrupt and a beggar. And we should have to go downthe High Street together, singing hymns. And you never did have anyvoice, and----"

"Oh, that'll do, " said Mabel, wearily. 

"Look here, " he said, brightly, "I've brought you a present, Mabel. Ithink you will find these useful. "

He produced the postage stamps from his pocket. 

"Just a few stamps, " he said. 

"All right, " said Mabel, not taking them. "Stick them down anywhere. "

"They should be stuck down in the top right-hand corner, " he said;"but I leave it all entirely to you. "

He went out. She had not even thanked him. 

CHAPTER VIII

Effie Vessunt remained at Jawbones for a fortnight. At the end of thattime Dot's knee had, so to speak, submitted and returned to barracks, and she could resume her ordinary work. Effie went to Bournemouth, where she took a position as kennel maid. 

Luke heard nothing from Jona. Occasionally he saw her name in thenewspaper as one of those present at some social function. Twice heread that her husband had been fined for being drunk while driving amotor-car. Beyond this, nothing. Luke adhered to his resolution. Henever sent her a letter. He wrote one. It was a long and passionateletter, full of poetry and beauty. But he never posted it. 

He made a paper boat of it. And launched it on that old-world stream. It floated away under the bridge, and on and on for nearly twentyyards. Then an old-world cow came down to the edge of the stream andate it. The cow died. 

And so the months passed away. He completed another little monographfor the firm entitled "Pulp, " of which he said beautifully that it wasthe beginning of all jam and the end of all books. Then he rememberedthat Jona had rather seemed to encourage him in his idea of writinghis biography. He planned it all out in his mind. He pictured himselfwrongly suspected, loathed by everybody (except Jona), sufferinghorribly, terribly ill. He thoroughly enjoyed it. 

He enjoyed it so much that he felt he had to tell Mabel about it. Hedid. 

"Mabel, " he said, "have you ever realized that under certaincircumstances the most awful things would happen to me that everbefell the hero of a melodrama? Just take the train of events. Effiehas an illegitimate child. She writes and tells you about it. "

"But she wouldn't, " said Mabel. "She was with me for a fortnight, andI always kept her in her place. "

"Well, she refuses to say who the father is. "

"Why?" asked Mabel. 

"Because the story can't possibly go on if she doesn't. Please don'tinterrupt me again until I've finished. Effie has no money. She goesto see her father, who will take her in, but not the child. It's anaccepted convention that the unmarried mother must be parted from herchild. So Effie and the baby turn up here. I say that they shall stay. You say that in that case you'll go, which you do, having previouslydismissed Dot and Dash. In consequence, everybody in this neighborhoodcuts me, I am turned out of my business, and as the dates agree, I ambelieved to be the father of the child. Effie has the housework to doas well as the baby to look after, and in consequence, I am horriblyneglected. The handle of the front door is not polished, and when anold friend comes down from London to see me, I have nothing to givehim for lunch except cold meat and a fruit tart that is no longer inits first youth. So I take a week-end at Brighton without Effie. Shecleans my straw hat with oxalic acid, which I have bought for her. Ithrow away the hat and buy another. While I am at Brighton she killsherself and the baby with what is left of the oxalic acid. At theinquest I am unable to say anything except 'Look here, ' am severelycensured by the coroner's jury, and nearly lynched by the crowdoutside. I go back to the house and find a letter on the clock, whichentirely clears me and tells me that the father of the child is theson of Dobson, the dirty dog who sneaked my partnership. So I go tosee Dobson and find that he has just got the news that his son isdead. I therefore burn Effie's letter so as to get the sole evidenceof my innocence out of the way, and then have a hæmorrhage of thebrain. And you divorce me, and then----"

"Look here, Luke, you'd better go and lie down for a little. You'vebeen bicycling in the sun, you know. "

"What do you mean? Wouldn't it happen so? Isn't it all absolutelyinevitable?"

"Not absolutely, " said Mabel. "The previous knowledge that one has ofyou would go for something. There was never any sign of an attachmentof that kind between you and Effie. If you had been the father of thechild you would most certainly not have left her alone, without anyprovision, at the time the child was born. I should be quite certainof that. So would the two maids here. Effie would apply to youngDobson, and failing him, to old Dobson. This is about the last houseto which she would come. Her instinct would be to keep away from theneighborhood where she was known. If her own father agreed to take herin, it's almost certain that he would take the baby as well. Yourideas about that convention are exaggerated, and old-fashioned. If shedid come here, and you insisted on her staying, I should put up withit, though I should not like it, until some arrangement could be madefor her to go elsewhere with her child. And that arrangement could bemade easily and quickly. I do not see why I should dismiss the maids, and if I did they are paid with your money, and are much more devotedto you than they are to me. You would only have to speak and theywould remain. No seducer would bring his victim and her child to thehouse where his wife was living. You would be thought quixotic but notguilty. If Effie saw that you were cut by everybody and that she hadbrought trouble on you, she would be particularly careful not to causemore serious trouble for you by committing suicide. And if shecommitted suicide, she would not implicate you in it by making you buythe poison. She would neither make fruit tart, nor clean a straw hat, because she simply would not have the time. You don't know much aboutyoung babies, do you? I should not divorce you, and should have noevidence on which I could get a divorce. In fact, the whole thing'sskittles. By the way, when did Effie have her baby?"

"She never did, " said Luke despondently. "That's always the way. Whenever I make a beautiful thing, some cow always gets it. It'shappened before. If I wrote my beautiful biography, some cow wouldparody it. The world's full of cows. "

"Well, I'm sorry, of course, " said Mabel. "You can do most incrediblyfoolish things. You do frequently fail to say what you should say. Buteven with those advantages, I doubt if it would be possible for you toincur so much suffering and suspicion as you describe. I shall have tothink out some other little martyrdom for you. "

CHAPTER IX

1

Looking out of his window at the office in the afternoon, Luke Sharpersaw a motor-car stop in front of the draper's opposite. Lady Tyburngot out and entered the shop. So she was back. 

Putting on his hat, so far as his agitated ears would permit, Lukerushed out into the street, crossed the road, and met her as she cameout. 

"Jona, " he panted. 

"Lukie, at last, " she gasped. 

"You were not long in the shop!"

"Just the same length that I am outside. I have been there three timesto-day. Standing there, looking up at your window. Every time I boughta yard of elastic. Do you want any elastic?"

"No, thank you. Will you have a cup of tea?"

Emotion would not permit her to speak. But she nodded and got into thecar. He followed her. On the way to the confectioner's neither of themspoke a word. 

At the tea-room the following conversation took place: "Tea?"

"Please. "

"Milk?"

"Thanks. "

"Sugar?"

"No. "

"Buns?"

"One. "

And then they sat and gazed at one another, slowly champing buns inwhich they took no interest whatever. After twenty minutes Lady Tyburnsaid: "My chauffeur has had no tea. He must drive to Gallows and havetea at once. Will you come too?"

"As far as the gates, " he said. "I'll walk back. I'm not coming in. "

"Do, " she said. "Bill has borrowed a panther from the Mammoth Circus, and they're having larks with it in the billiard-room. "

Luke shook his head. "I don't like panthers, " he said wearily. "Idon't like anything much. Mabel looks like a panther sometimes. "

During the twenty minutes' drive up to Gallows neither of them spoke. 

When they reached the gate, Jona said: "Better come up to the houseand finish our talk. "

"No, " said Luke; "stay here a little. There's something I must say toyou. I've been trying to say it for the last hour. It gets stuck. Ishall pull it out somehow. "

Lady Tyburn sent the car away, and they sat down on the trunk of afallen tree. He sat on one side, and she on the other, back to back. They could not bear to look one another in the face. Presently shesaid:

"You're trembling, Lukie. I can feel it. Trembling. Like a jelly. "

"You're another, " said Luke. "Oh, Jona. There's something I've beentrying to ask you for the last ten months, and perhaps there willnever be another opportunity. Do you remember when you came to myoffice?"

She drove her elbow lightly into his ribs. It seemed to him to signifyshe did remember. 

"There were things you said--'Will you help yourself, ' with your handsout--'magnet and tin-tack'--'I made a mistake once. ' You said thosethings, Jona. "

"What a memory the young man has got, " said Jona, wistfully. 

"Yes, but what did you mean?"

"Well, they were what is called conversation. You talk too, you know, sometimes. "

"But that doesn't tell me what you meant. "

"They meant, " she said in a plain, matter-of-fact way, "that I oughtnot to have married Bill. I ought to have married you, Lukie. Mymistake entirely. Don't apologize. "

She jerked herself backward, and he fell off the tree. He lay on thegrass moaning. "O crikey! O crikey! O crikey, crikey, crikey!"

2

He got up slowly. He was entirely covered with small pieces of driedgrass. Jona came round the end of the tree and began picking pieces ofgrass off him. 

"You're in a mess, " she said. 

"We're both in a mess, " he said. "Right in. Up to the neck. "

"I don't know how much longer I shall be able to stand it, " said Jona. "In London it was actresses. Down here it's ladies from the MammothCircus. We have three equestriennes and a tight-rope dancer stayingwith us, and he makes love to them all. He's not been sober--notnoticeably--for the last six weeks. I still keep up the brightbadinage, but it sometimes seems artificial. It's wearing thin. Everything's wearing thin. Very thin. Oh Lukie!"

"Listen, " said Luke resolutely. "I'm going to be noble. This is littleLukie, underneath his straw hat, being noble. Some men would confesstheir love for you. They would pour out in words the passion that wasconsuming them. I shall not. In fact, you'll have to guess. Only, ifthe time ever does come that you simply cannot stand it any longer, apply to me. Applications should be sent to the office address in careof Mabel. Write distinctly. Good-by, Jona. "

He tore himself from her, and reeled away, not knowing what directionhe was taking. 

After an hour he found himself standing in front of his own office. It was just as well. He had left his bicycle there. 

Diggle came down the stairs into the street, and Luke walked up to himat once: "Can I have that partnership now?" said Luke. 

Diggle glanced at his watch. 

"Applications of this kind, " he said, "should be made in office hours. It is now after six. Good evening, Mr. Sharper. "

Mechanically, automatically, not knowing what he did, Luke preparedfor his ride home to Jawbones. Then he became aware that he waspushing something along on the pavement. What was it? It was abicycle. He pushed it into a policeman. The policeman asked him totake it into the road. 

He walked along in the road now, still wheeling his bicycle, andlooking all around him. 

What a lot of shops seemed to be selling brooms. Yes, and soap. Longbars of yellow soap. There were big advertisements on the boardings. He read them aloud: "WASHO. WORKS BY ITSELF. "

And again: "PINGO FOR THE PAINT. A PENNY PACKET OF PINGO DOES THETRICK. " There was a picture of a beautiful lady using Pingo, her faceexpressing rapture. 

What did it all mean?

He did not know. But it meant that spring was coming. Spring, with itsdaffodils, its pretty little birds and all the other things. 

He mounted and rode away. A meaningless string of words seemed tocircle round and round in his brain. 

"Jona. Washo. Crikey. "

At dinner that night, Mabel said: "We shall begin our spring-cleaningto-morrow. I intend that it shall be done particularly thoroughly thisyear. It will take some weeks and will probably cause youinconvenience. But you like suffering, don't you?"

"Spring, " said Luke, thoughtfully. "Not all daffodils. No. "

3

A little later Mr. Alfred Jingle, solicitor, talking to his friend theartist, may be permitted to throw some light on events. 

"Saw Sharper yesterday. Don't like it. Awful. Went to his house. What?Yes, looking for lunch. Brass knob on the front door blazing fit toblind you. No curtains at any of the windows. Sound like a carpetbeing beaten from the garden at the back. Sharper himself leaning outof upstairs window. Face ashen grey. Ears twitching. 'Don't come in, 'he calls out, 'I'll come down. Lunch in Dilborough. '

"Terrific noise of Sharper falling downstairs. Out he comes, rubbingknee. Hat bashed in. 

"'Had a little accident, ' he says. 'They took out the stair rods. Carpet loose. We'll go in by train. Wouldn't ask you to lunch here. Had dinner in the bath-room last night. Mabel's got her head in aduster. '

"I asked him what was the matter. And if he spent the entire dayleaning out of that window. 

"'Yes, Jingle, ' he said. 'I have to lean out. Do you know the smell ofsize? They use it a good deal in spring-cleaning. It's like glue anddecayed fish. House is full of it. It hurts. Horribly. Damnably. I'mglad you've come, Jingle. I was to have had lunch in the housemaid'scupboard. But Mabel is an excellent housekeeper. Thorough. '

"Tried to cheer him up. Told him it would soon be over. And Summerwould come. 

"'Ah, ' he said, 'but if Summer don't! Size and spring-cleaning forever and ever. Do you believe in eternal punishment?'

"Lunched at the 'Crown. ' Stuffed a whiskey into him. Had six myself. No good. Said the cold beef tasted of size. Tried to switch him off;on to politics. Hadn't anything to say on that subject, because therewas no room in his house in which there was enough space left to opena paper. 

"'Everything's put where everything else ought to be, ' he said. 'Placefor everything, and my foot in a pail of soapsuds. Did you know thatWasho worked by itself? Have you tried Pingo for the paint? Thesepickles taste of Pingo. Had to do the walls of my study-room with it. Mabel made me. She's an excellent housekeeper. But the world does seemto be entirely filled with dust, and the smell of decayed fish, don'tyou think?'

"Cheerful talk for a luncheon party, wasn't it? That man's on theverge of a breakdown. Don't like it at all. That wife of his isoverdoing it. Shall look him up again next week. His mind's not right. He forgot to pay for the lunch. I suggested that I should do it, andhe let me. Something seriously wrong there. Seriously. Have a drink. "

4

Three days later Mr. Alfred Jingle resumed the subject. 

"I told you things were bad with Sharper. They're worse. Much. I wasthere this morning. Enquired at his business place. They said theirMr. Sharper had gone out. Took a cab to Halfpenny Hole. Halfway therespotted Sharper sitting on a bank by the roadside with his bicyclebeside him. Face like a tortured hyena. I got out and asked him whathe was doing there. 

"'Nowhere else to go, ' he said. 'Spring-cleaning at home. And nowthey've started spring-cleaning at the office. All my dear littlechildren piled up on the floor in the dust. '

"Told him I didn't know he had a family. 

"'I mean my books. Lilac morocco. At my own expense. The firm wouldn'tstick it. Decorators were sending out for more size when I left. Ican't go back there. Even if there were no spring-cleaning I couldn'tgo to Jawbones. Mabel gave me a list of things to buy in Dilborough. Glass soap and soft paper. I mean soft soap and glass paper. Lots ofother things. I've forgotten to get any of them. All I can do is tosit here until the world comes to an end. '

"Well, I shoved him into my cab, and drove back to the 'Crown' atDilborough. On the way I tried to buck him up a bit, but it was nouse. He was absolutely broken-down. I asked him whose turn it was topay for lunch, and he said he thought it was mine. Memory going. Well, I stuffed a drink into him and took nine myself. I can tell you Ineeded them. Then I got him to go back to business. Said he must savethose lilac-bound children of his. Bright idea, what? Then I told himhe could buy the things for his wife afterwards. He went like a lamb, too broken to resist. I confess I am worried about him. I must try tosee him again if

5

a chance of doing so. "

(And that shows you again, how the number of a chapter-section may beused economically. )

CHAPTER X

Luke knocked at the door of Mr. Diggle's room, and entered. 

"I'm back, " he said. "Been lunching with a man. Can I have apartnership?"

"Not to-day, Mr. Sharper, " said Diggle. "You should be morereasonable. The whole office is more or less disorganized by thespring-cleaning. It seems to me that you try to make more trouble. Yougo out a great deal for a business man. "

"I have to. Things for my wife, you know. Soft glass and paper soap. Things of that kind. "

"I don't wish to hear about it. They will not be actually beginning onyour room till Monday. It may be in some slight disorder, but thatneed not prevent you from going back there and getting on with yourwork. You have to write that full-page advertisement for the _'ChurchTimes'_, you remember. "

He went on to his own room. He picked up the little booklets from thefloor, dusted each one carefully, and wrapped it in white paper. As hewas finishing the last a letter was brought in to him. The messengerwas waiting for an answer. It was in Jona's handwriting. 

"Darling Lukie, " she wrote, "I can bear it no more. Take me away, please. Shall I come along to your office, or will you call for thegoods? Jona. "

He collapsed in a chair, his head buried in his hands. 

Half-an-hour later the clerk came in to say that the messenger wasstill waiting. 

"Sit down, " said Luke. 

The clerk sat down for half-an-hour. Luke still meditated. Then theoffice boy came in to fetch the clerk. It was necessary to dosomething, to decide at once. His promise to Mabel had been quitedefinite. He would bring back the spring-cleaning requisites on hisbicycle that evening. There had been a sardonic cruelty in sending himto purchase the materials for his own torture. Still, he had promised. 

Drawing a sheet of the firm's paper with the memo. Head on it towardshim, he wrote as follows:

"Jona: I can't get away to elope with you to-day. My wife won't letme. If you are still of the same mind on Saturday, the train I shalltake for Brighton leaves Victoria at eleven. "

He sent the letter down to the messenger, and then Diggle entered. 

"Do you want to see me about the partnership?" said Sharper. 

"No. I wanted to see you about the full-page advertisement for the_'Church Times. '_ Have you written it?"

"I've not, so to speak, written it. "

"Well, Sharper, I've been talking to Dobson about you. I don't want tohurt your feelings, but our office space here is very limited. We areof the opinion that perhaps the amount of room you occupy here isintrinsically of more value than any services which you render to thebusiness, or even the pleasure that your society naturally gives us. Idon't know if you take my meaning. "

"Do you want to turn me out?" said Sharper. 

"Don't put it like that. You don't seem to know anything aboutbusiness. You never do any work. You're playing about with Lady Tyburnin a way that'll bring scandal on the firm. But we don't want to turnyou out. We don't want to do anything harsh. All we say is that wethink it would be better for all concerned if you don't come hereagain. I think that will be all. Good evening, Mr. Sharper. "

Luke went out and purchased the articles Mabel had asked him to buy. He then went to four different chemists, and at each one purchased alittle oxalic acid, saying in each case that he wanted it to clean astraw hat. 

With his bicycle laden considerably above the Plimsoll mark, hepedalled wearily homewards. He only fell off once, and it was a pitythat this broke the bottle of turpentine, for he happened to becarrying it in the inside pocket of his coat. 

CHAPTER XI

1

"We shall dine in the kitchen, " said Mabel. "The dining-room anddrawing-room are finished, but I am keeping them locked up until theworkmen are out of the house, and all the mess is cleared away. "

"You are an excellent housekeeper, " said Luke. "Won't it be jolly todine in the kitchen with Dot and Dash?"

"Ellen will sit in the garden while we are at dinner. Kate will waiton us as usual. I am sorry to say that a workman spilt a pail ofwhitewash in your room. Most of it went over your books. After dinnerwe will sit in the den. "

"Mabel, " said Luke, "when I told you of the suffering that wouldhappen to me in consequence of Effie having the illegitimate child, which she never did, you said that it was all impossible. Part of ithas come true. They don't want me to go to the business any more, andthey've said so. "

"Have they?" said Mabel. "Of course I knew they would. I've beenexpecting it for some time past. You see, you're not fitted forbusiness. I don't know that you're particularly fitted for anything. Well, when you talked to me about that Effie nonsense, I told you I'darrange a little martyrdom for you if I could. Haven't I done it?"

"You have. In the interest of my sanity----"

"In the interests of your what?"

"In the interests of my sanity I shall go to Brighton for theweek-end. "

"Do, " said Mabel. "You're terribly in the way here. It's about thefirst sensible idea you've had for this last year. "

By half-past ten next morning he was on the platform at Victoriastation. Would Jona be there?

Apparently not. He caught a distant glimpse of Lord Tyburn, but it wasnot with him that he was proposing to elope. Besides, Tyburn wasaccompanied by a somewhat highly painted and decorated young lady. Luke waited till the last moment, and waited in vain. He stepped intothe train just as it was moving off. 

2

At this point we will ask our Mr. Alfred Jingle to oblige again. 

"Tell you what, " he said to his artist friend. "I was wrong aboutSharper again. I thought he'd reached the limit of human mess andmartyrdom. He hadn't. He'd not got within a street of it. He's therenow. Right up to the limit and leaning over the edge. 

"Down at Brighton this week-end with my old missus. Sitting out onthe pier. Sunday morning. Listening to the band. Overture to 'WilliamTell. ' Always is. Whenever I strike a band, it's 'William Tell' or'Zampa. ' Every time. 

"Suddenly the missus says to me, 'Who's that old chap over there witha face like a turnip?'

"I looked up. It was Luke Sharper. Looking ghastly. His hair was grey. His face was grey. Even his flannel trousers were grey. All grey andworn. I don't mean the trousers particularly. General effect, youknow. Ears drooping down with no life or motion in them. I went up tohim and asked him what brought him down to Brighton. 

"'Go away, ' he said. 'I'm a leper. I'm an outcast. I'm a pariah dog. Go before I bring misery on you. '

"I told him I'd chance it, and asked him again what he was doing atBrighton. 

"'I've eloped, ' he said. 

"'With whom?' I asked. 

"'Nobody. She never turned up. That's not my fault. In the sight ofHeaven we are all equal, and I'm an eloper. I'm a faithless hound. That's not all, Jingle. They've thrown me out of the business. Andthat's not all. I bought four packets of oxalic acid. I've put themdown where Mabel is bound to see them. There's one on her pillow, oneon the clock, one on the piano, and one on the mantelpiece. You see?I'm a murderer. Mabel will take the hint, and will commit suicide. That will upset Dot and Dash, and they will commit suicide too. Ionly hope the man who spilt whitewash over my bookcase will commitsuicide as well. Don't come and see me in the condemned cell. I don'twant to see anybody any more. That's why I'm sitting on Brighton pieron a warm Sunday morning. '

"'You've got this wrong, Sharper, ' I said. 'I know your wife. Shewon't commit suicide because you've gone. She possibly might have doneit if you had stopped. So your maids won't be upset, and they won'tcommit suicide either. And the painter's man who spilt the whitewashover your books will be enjoying the joke over his Sunday dinner. You're no good at the leper-and-pariah business. Come over and beintroduced to my missus. '

"'What you say might be true if I were a real man, but I have horribledoubts. I don't feel like a real man. '

"'Come off it, ' I said. 'What do you feel like, then?'

"'I feel like a lot of tripe out of some damn-silly book. '

"Well, I took him over to the missus, and she got on the buzz. She'san energetic talkist. He never got time to say he was a leper once. Then some pals of hers came up to talk to her, and he and I escaped. Iasked him what he was going to do. He said he was going back toHalfpenny Hole directly, in order to save the coroner's officer thetrouble of fetching him. Then he asked me to have a drink. We hadthree each. He rushed off to the station, and left me to pay. A man inthat state is not fit to be alone. And it's not too safe for anybodywho happens to be with him. I let him go. "

3

It was half-past five when Luke got back to Jawbones again. He rangthe bell. As the door was not opened, he rang again. 

Then from the garden behind the house he heard the sound of voices andlaughter. He recognized the laugh. It was Dot's. It was a full-bodied, fruity laugh. Luke walked round the house and into the garden to seewhat was happening. 

On the lawn sat Dot, Dash, and the first and second footmen fromGallows. A table showed that tea, including bottled beer, had beenserved with some profusion. But the banquet was over and all fourreclined in deck-chairs, smoking cigarettes. 

Luke stared at them blankly. "Afraid I'm rather interrupting, " hestammered. 

"Well, old bean, " said Dot. "You do come as a bit of a surprise. We'dnot expected you before Tuesday. But our two gentlemen friends--Albertand Hector--I think you've met them--have to be back at their job atsix. So we shan't keep you long. The kitchen door's open if you careto slip into the house and wait. "

Luke's powerful mind made a rapid deduction. This could never havehappened if Mabel had not been powerless to prevent it. So Mabel musthave . .. Yes, the oxalic acid. 

"Can you tell me, " he said in sepulchral tones, "where I shall findthe body of my poor wife?"

"Afraid I can't, " said Dot. Her laughter jarred on him. 

"Let us, " he said, "be reverent. When did she die?"

Here Dash, under the pink parasol, broke in, "But she's alive. AndI'll bet she's a good deal livelier than she's been for years past. Ihelped her pack, and it was some trousseau. The old girl's done abunk. See? Skipped it with a gentleman friend of hers. "

"You might have mentioned that before, " said Luke, aggrieved. "I quitethought that something was the matter. "

"Well, she's left a letter for you in your almost-silver cigarettecase. You'll find it in the bath-room, balanced on the hot-water tap. You run along and read it. You're the least little bit in the way atthis tea party. "

4

Seated on the edge of the bath, Luke read as follows:

"You could always see every point of view except one, and that wasyour wife's. 

"Once or twice the sting of your jelly-fish of a conscience made youtry to be nice to me. There are words and acts from a man to a womanwhich may be lovely to the woman if they come spontaneously andnaturally. If they are produced as by a force-pump, they are aninsult. If you tried to hide the pump, it was a poor effort. 

"When you took up with that Tyburn minx, I thought that you hadrealized the situation, that you saw that I found life with youdetestable and intolerable, and that you meant to give me a chance todivorce you. I employed a private detective with what I had saved outof the house-money, and had you watched. The detective reported thatthere was nothing good enough--or bad enough----for the High Court, and that the woman seemed to be doing most of the work. 

"So as the mixture of cowardice and selfishness which you call yourconscience would not let you give me a chance to divorce you, Idetermined to make you divorce me. The first thing to do was to getyou out of the way. It is so trying and undignified to elope if ahusband is looking on, and possibly interfering. So I adopted a systemof intensive spring-cleaning. I don't think I left out anything whichcould inconvenience and annoy you. It went on and on. No house hasbeen spring-cleaned like this since the world began. I fancy it wasthe whitewash over your books that finally shunted you. You left inthe early morning. I packed at leisure and left in the evening, takingwith me a gentleman who financed that great success, Doom Dagshaw'sMammoth Circus. 

"As he is not in the book, I may mention that he is a Mr. NathanSamuel. But no matter. A nose by any other name would smell asefficiently. He is a true Christian with no fault except his love forme. 

"The necessary particulars will be sent to your solicitors, and I hopeyou will then get busy. 

"Ta-ta, old crock. Yours, Mabel. 

"P. S. --You shouldn't leave oxalic acid about like that. Don't you knowit's a poison? I've hidden it underneath your dress-shirts, in case ofaccidents. "

Luke put the letter down. There was a step outside the door and Dotentered. 

"Thought I should find you here, " said Dot. "Everything all right?"

"Couldn't be better. But why did she leave the letter on the hot-watertap?"

"Oh, that was just a little joke of hers. She said you always got intoany hot water that might be going about, and so you'd be sure to findit there. "

"Do you see what this means, Dot? It means that in future we can playat boats without any fear of interruption. "

"M'yes, " said Dot. "It's not the very devil of a game, is it? Beenover the house yet? I must say it does look nice, now all the cleaningand decorating's finished. Albert and Hector both noticed it. "

"Yes, very nice. I suppose you and Dash would like to be gettingdinner for me. "

"That's what we're panting after. But it can't be done, becausethere's nothing to eat. At least, there's nothing for you. Besides, after this afternoon we are both emotionally worn-out. And that's notall. Albert and Hector brought us a bit of news from Gallows. Just youtake my tip and ask no questions. You take the train into Dilboroughand dine at the 'Crown. ' You might--I don't say you will, but youmight--get a bit of a surprise. If you hurry you'll catch the 7. 5. "

Luke thrust his wife's letter into his pocket, and hurried. 

5

"No, " said the sad-eyed waiter, in reply to Luke's enquiry. "No, we donot serve the dinner on Sunday night. In Dilborough Sunday night, there is what you call, nothing doing. You can have a nice chop. "

"I hate chops, " said Luke moodily. "All right, get me a chop. "

"The lady who stay here, she have a chop too. She also say she hatechops. You have to wait a little time perhaps, because the chef is outSunday evening. You wait in the drawing-room. It is very nice. Verycomfortable. There is a newspaper of last Friday evening. "

Luke submitted and entered the fly-haunted drawing-room. He sat downwith his head in his hands. Mabel's letter had been characteristicallyunlike her. Her letters were never in the least bit like herself. Thatwas perhaps their only attraction. It was only in the postscript thathe seemed actually to hear her speak. 

"Poor Nathan Samuel!" he said to himself. "Poor Moses Nathan ModecaiSamuel!"

The door opened and Jona came in, clad in a betrayed-heroine tea-gown. She looked beautiful but tragic. 

"Jona, " he cried, springing to his feet. 

She shrank back, covering her face with her hands. 

"Don't speak to me, " she said. "Don't come near me. I'm a leper, apariah, and an outcast. "

"Oh, look here, hang it all, you can't, you know. That's mine. Ifthere's any lepering to be done, I do that. Outcast? How do you meanoutcast?"

"Haven't you heard?" she said. 

"No, " said Luke. "Come and sit on my knee, and tell me all yourtroubles. "

"I oughtn't, " she said, but she did. 

"You didn't turn up at Victoria yesterday. Couldn't you leave yourhusband?"

"I couldn't, " she said. "I couldn't, because I've not got a husband. And have never had a husband. One of Bill's previous wives started tomake a fuss, and he made a clean breast of it to me. He'd married intwo different names before he married me, and both wives are stillliving. He went to Brighton on Saturday to marry one more. Because hewants to get his picture, as the peer convicted of trigamy, on theback page of the '_Daily Mail_, ' with the fourth wife inset. So yousee what has happened. It was my fault, but that's how I come to bein the pariah class. Can you bear me any longer?"

"Yes, " said Luke, "you're not heavy. "

And then the sad-eyed waiter came in without knocking, and they brokeaway. 

"I beg pardon, " said the waiter. "Perhaps I interrupt a little. I cometo say the chops is ready. Shall I put the two places close together?"

"Very close together, " said Luke. 

6

They entered the dining-room. 

"You needn't remain, " said Luke to the waiter. "We'll help ourselves. "

"Ver' good, " said the waiter. "I understand. I am since three years ofexperience in the week-end business. I come when you ring--notbefore. "

Luke and Jona talked together earnestly for an hour. Then theyremembered they had been intending to dine. Luke removed the coverfrom the dish and looked at two large melancholy chops, frozen hard. 

"Can we?" said Luke. 

"Not in this life, " said Jona. "Get it removed. "

Luke produced a visiting-card, and wrote on the back of it: "A Presentfor a Good Dog. From Jona and Lukie!" He put the card in the dish andreplaced the cover. Then he investigated the wine list, rang the bell, and ordered champagne and dry biscuits to be put in the drawing-room. 

(The reader is requested to look out. Once more the numbers of thesection will be used as a part of the sections. The price of paper isstill very high. )

"Just imagine, " said Luke. "Only this morning I was convinced thatlife was hell. Absolute hell. "

"And now?" asked Jona, shyly. 

"Now I know that it's

7, "

he said, and kissed her. 

Luke walked back. It was some time in the small hours that he enteredhis house burglariously by forcing open the window of a room that hadonce been called a den. 

As he sat at breakfast the next morning, Dot said: "Hope they gave youa good dinner at the 'Crown' last night. "

"I don't know, " he said. "I don't really remember what we

8. "

"All love and honey, what?" suggested Dot. 

"Dot, " said Luke, "don't be asi--

9. "

"Oh, that's all right, " said Dot "You don't need to pay any at--

10

tion to my chaff. "

EPILOGUE

Luke sold Jawbones for a much higher price than he had expected. 

"You see, " the agent explained, "the place is in such a perfectcondition. Everything up to the mark. Absolutely spotless. "

"Yes, " said Luke. "Mrs. Sharper was an excellent housekeeper. I'vealways said so. "

Luke had intended to pay Dot and Dash board-wages until he was free tomarry Jona, and then to take them into his service again. But this wasnot to be. 

"Sorry, " said Dot, "but it won't do. Of course we wish you everyhappiness, and no doubt in time you'll get used to not suffering somuch, and not being misunderstood so frequent. But me and Dash hasbeen brought up respectable, and respectable we shall remain. I've nodoubt your good lady thought it was all right, and went to church withhim, and signed the book and all that. But facts are facts, and thefact is that for years and years she was living the life of open sinwith that Lord Tyburn. No, we couldn't stick it. Besides, I'm going tomarry Hector to take entire charge of a small flat, one in family, nochildren or washing, every Sunday, and frequent outings. And mysister's doing the same with Albert. All the same, here's luck. "

Our friend, Mr. Alfred Jingle, solicitor, arranged everythingsplendidly. He prevented Luke from inserting, in a moment ofenthusiasm, an advertisement under the Fashionable Intelligence in thedaily press that a divorce had been arranged and would shortly takeplace, between Luke Sharper, Esq. , formerly of Jawbones, HalfpennyHole, and Mabel, his wife. The case was undefended, and the day afterthe decree was made absolute Luke married Jona. 

Nor did Mr. Alfred Jingle forget, when he made out his bill of costs, to include in his out-of-pocket expenses, the cost of certainluncheons and drinks which Mr. Sharper would, no doubt, have defrayedhad he not at that time been in a condition of absent-mindednessinduced by martyrdom. 

Not only did Lord Tyburn succeed in getting his photograph on to theback page of the "_Daily Mail_. " There was also another photograph ofthe four ladies whom he had married, reading from left to right. Hedid everything well. 

 THE END

Transcriber's Notes:

1. This book is a parody on the biographies of it's times; as a result, very few changes have been made, other than obvious typesetter errors. 

2. On the title page, there were two lines of words that were typesetwith "strikethroughs"; these have been indicated by the addition of"=" before and after the lines.