Spelling and punctuation: These are the same as in the book asfar as possible. The AE and OE digraphs have been transcribedas two letters. Greek words have been transliterated. 

Notes: The notes are identified by letters in the text, thus: . In a few cases the note has no text reference: these are indicated . 

Layout: the line numbers all end in col. 65. View this e-text in amonospaced font such as Courier and they will all line up in theright margin. 

Latin: All translations are by the transcriber. In the notes, theyimmediately follow the Latin text in [square brackets]. Translations of Latin phrases in the poem are in the glossary. Disclaimer: these translations are probably very inaccurate - Iam no great Latin scholar. 

 HUDIBRAS IN THREE PARTS

 WRITTEN IN

 THE TIME OF THE LATE WARS --------------------- BY SAMUEL BUTLER, ESQ. --------------------- WITH ANNOTATIONS AND AN INDEX ------

TO THE READER. 

Poeta nascitur non fit, [poets are born, not made] is a sentenceof as great truth as antiquity; it being most certain, that all theacquired learning imaginable is insufficient to compleat a poet, without a natural genius and propensity to so noble and sublimean art. And we may, without offence, observe, that many verylearned men, who have been ambitious to be thought poets, have only rendered themselves obnoxious to that satyricalinspiration our Author wittily invokes:

Which made them, though it were in spightOf nature and their stars, to write. 

On the one side some who have had very little human learning, but were endued with a large share of natural wit and parts, have become the most celebrated (Shakespear, D'Avenant, &c. )poets of the age they lived in. But, as these last are, "Rarae avesin terris, " so, when the muses have not disdained the assistancesof other arts and sciences, we are then blessed with those lastingmonuments of wit and learning, which may justly claim a kindof eternity upon earth. And our author, had his modestypermitted him, might, with Horace, have said, Exegi monumentum aere perennius:[I have raised a memorial more lasting than bronze]

Or, with Ovid, Jamque opus exegi, quod nec Jovis ira, nec ignis, Nec poterit ferrum, nec edax abolere vetustas. [For I have raised a work which neither the rage of Jupiter, Nor fire, nor iron, nor consuming age can destroy. ]

The Author of this celebrated Poem was of this his lastcomposition: for although he had not the happiness of anacademical education, as some affirm, if may be perceived, throughout his whole Poem, that he had read much, and wasvery well accomplished in the most useful parts of humanlearning. 

Rapin (in his reflections) speaking of the necessary qualitiesbelonging to a poet, tells us, he must have a geniusextraordinary; great natural gifts; a wit just, fruitful, piercing, solid, and universal; an understanding clear and distinct; animagination neat and pleasant; an elevation of soul, thatdepends not only on art or study, but is purely the gift ofheaven, which must be sustained by a lively sense and vivacity;judgment to consider wisely of things, and vivacity for thebeautiful expression of them, &c. 

Now, how justly this character is due to our Author, we leave tothe impartial reader, and those of nicer judgment, who had thehappiness to be more intimately acquainted with him. 

The reputation of this incomparable Poem is so thoroughlyestablished in the world, that it would be superfluous, if notimpertinent, to endeavour any panegyric upon it. King CharlesII. Whom the judicious part of mankind will readilyacknowledge to be a sovereign judge of wit, was so great anadmirer of it, that he would often pleasantly quote it in hisconversation. However, since most men have a curiosity to havesome account of such anonymous authors, whose compositionshave been eminent for wit or learning, we have, for theirinformation, subjoined a short Life of the Author. 

THE AUTHOR'S LIFE. 

Samuel Butler, the Author of this excellent Poem, was born inthe Parish of Strensham, in the county of Worcester, andbaptized there the 13th of Feb. 1612. His father, who was of thesame name, was an honest country farmer, who had some smallestate of his own, but rented a much greater of the Lord of theManor where he lived. However, perceiving in this son an earlyinclination to learning, he made a shift to have him educated inthe free-school at Worcester, under Mr. Henry Bright; wherehaving passed the usual time, and being become an excellentschool-scholar, he went for some little time to Cambridge, butwas never matriculated into that University, his father's abilitiesnot being sufficient to be at the charge of an academicaleducation; so that our Author returned soon into his nativecounty, and became clerk to one Mr. Jefferys, of Earl's-Croom, an eminent Justice of the Peace for that County, with whom helived some years, in an easy and no contemptible service. Hereby the indulgence of a kind master, he had sufficient leisure toapply himself to whatever learning his inclinations led him, which were chiefly history and poetry; to which, for hisdiversion, he joined music and painting; and I have seen somepictures, said to be of his drawing, which remained in thatfamily; which I mention not for the excellency of them, but tosatisfy the reader of his early inclinations to that noble art; forwhich also he was afterwards entirely beloved by Mr. SamuelCooper, one of the most eminent painters of his time. 

He was after this recommended to that great encourager oflearning, Elizabeth Countess of Kent, where he had not only theopportunity to consult all manner of learned books, but toconverse also with that living library of learning, the great MrSelden. 

Our Author lived some time also with Sir Samuel Luke, whowas of an ancient family in Bedfordshire but, to his dishonour, an eminent commander under the usurper Oliver Cromwell: andthen it was, as I am informed, he composed this loyal Poem. For, though fate, more than choice, seems to have placed him inthe service of a Knight so notorious, both in his person andpolitics, yet, by the rule of contraries, one may observethroughout his whole Poem, that he was most orthodox, both inhis religion and loyalty. And I am the more induced to believehe wrote it about that time, because he had then the opportunityto converse with those living characters of rebellion, nonsense, and hypocrisy, which he so livelily and pathetically exposesthroughout the whole work. 

After the restoration of King Charles II. Those who were at thehelm, minding money more than merit, our Author found thatverse in Juvenal to be exactly verified in himself:

Haud facile emergunt, quorum virtutibus obstatRes angusta domi:[They do not easily rise whose virtues are held back by thestraitened circumstances of their home]

And being endued with that innate modesty, which rarely findspromotion in princes' courts. He became Secretary to RichardEarl of Carbury, Lord President of the Principality of Wales, who made him Steward of Ludlow-Castle, when the Court therewas revived. About this time he married one Mrs. Herbert, agentlewoman of a very good family, but no widow, as theOxford Antiquary has reported; she had a competent fortune, but it was most of it unfortunately lost, by being put out on illsecurities, so that it was of little advantage to him. He isreported by the Antiquary to have been Secretary to his GraceGeorge Duke of Buckingham, when he was Chancellor to theUniversity of Cambridge; but whether that be true or no, it iscertain, the Duke had a great kindness for him, and was often abenefactor to him. But no man was a more generous friend tohim, than that Mecaenas of all learned and witty men, CharlesLord Buckhurst, the late Earl of Dorset and Middlesex, who, being himself an excellent poet, knew how to set a just valueupon the ingenious performances of others, and has often takencare privately to relieve and supply the necessities of those, whose modesty would endeavour to conceal them; of which ourauthor was a signal instance, as several others have been, whoare now living. In fine the integrity of his life, the acuteness ofhis wit, and easiness of his conversation, had rendered him mostacceptable to all men; yet he prudently avoided a multiplicity ofacquaintance, and wisely chose such only whom his discerningjudgment could distinguish (as Mr. Cowley expresseth it)

From the great vulgar or the small. 

And having thus lived to a good old age, admired by all, thoughpersonally known to few, he departed this life in the year 1680, and was buried at the charge of his good friend Mr. Longuevil, of the Temple, in the yard belonging to the church of St. Paul'sCovent-garden, at the west-end of the said yard, on the northside, under the wall of the said church, and under that wallwhich parts the yard from the common highway. And since hehas no monument yet set up for him, give me leave to borrowhis epitaph from that of Michael Drayton, the poet, as the authorof Mr. Cowley's has partly done before me:

And though no monument can claimTo be the treasurer of thy name;This work, which ne'er will die, shall beAn everlasting monument to thee. 

PART I

CANTO I

THE ARGUMENT

-------------------------------------------------Sir Hudibras his passing worth, The manner how he sallied forth;His arms and equipage are shown;His horse's virtues, and his own. Th' adventure of the bear and fiddleIs sung, but breaks off in the middle. -------------------------------------------------

When civil dudgeon first grew high, And men fell out they knew not why?When hard words, jealousies, and fears, Set folks together by the ears, And made them fight, like mad or drunk, 5For Dame Religion, as for punk;Whose honesty they all durst swear for, Though not a man of them knew wherefore:When Gospel-Trumpeter, surroundedWith long-ear'd rout, to battle sounded, 10And pulpit, drum ecclesiastick, Was beat with fist, instead of a stick;Then did Sir Knight abandon dwelling, And out he rode a colonelling. A wight he was, whose very sight wou'd 15Entitle him Mirror of Knighthood;That never bent his stubborn kneeTo any thing but Chivalry;Nor put up blow, but that which laidRight worshipful on shoulder-blade; 20Chief of domestic knights and errant, Either for cartel or for warrant;Great on the bench, great in the saddle, That could as well bind o'er, as swaddle;Mighty he was at both of these, 25And styl'd of war, as well as peace. (So some rats, of amphibious nature, Are either for the land or water). But here our authors make a doubtWhether he were more wise, or stout: 30Some hold the one, and some the other;But howsoe'er they make a pother, The diff'rence was so small, his brainOutweigh'd his rage but half a grain;Which made some take him for a tool 35That knaves do work with, call'd a fool, And offer to lay wagers thatAs MONTAIGNE, playing with his cat, Complains she thought him but an ass, Much more she wou'd Sir HUDIBRAS; 40(For that's the name our valiant knightTo all his challenges did write). But they're mistaken very much, 'Tis plain enough he was no such;We grant, although he had much wit, 45H' was very shy of using it;As being loth to wear it out, And therefore bore it not about, Unless on holy-days, or so, As men their best apparel do. 50Beside, 'tis known he could speak GREEKAs naturally as pigs squeek;That LATIN was no more difficile, Than to a blackbird 'tis to whistle:Being rich in both, he never scanted 55His bounty unto such as wanted;But much of either would affordTo many, that had not one word. For Hebrew roots, although they're foundTo flourish most in barren ground, 60He had such plenty, as suffic'dTo make some think him circumcis'd;And truly so, he was, perhaps, Not as a proselyte, but for claps. 

He was in LOGIC a great critic, 65Profoundly skill'd in analytic;He could distinguish, and divideA hair 'twixt south, and south-west side:On either which he would dispute, Confute, change hands, and still confute, 70He'd undertake to prove, by forceOf argument, a man's no horse;He'd prove a buzzard is no fowl, And that a lord may be an owl, A calf an alderman, a goose a justice, 75And rooks Committee-men and Trustees. He'd run in debt by disputation, And pay with ratiocination. All this by syllogism, trueIn mood and figure, he would do. 80For RHETORIC, he could not opeHis mouth, but out there flew a trope;And when he happen'd to break offI' th' middle of his speech, or cough, H' had hard words, ready to show why, 85And tell what rules he did it by;Else, when with greatest art he spoke, You'd think he talk'd like other folk, For all a rhetorician's rulesTeach nothing but to name his tools. 90His ordinary rate of speechIn loftiness of sound was rich;A Babylonish dialect, Which learned pedants much affect. It was a parti-colour'd dress 95Of patch'd and pie-bald languages;'Twas English cut on Greek and Latin, Like fustian heretofore on satin;It had an odd promiscuous tone, As if h' had talk'd three parts in one; 100Which made some think, when he did gabble, Th' had heard three labourers of Babel;Or CERBERUS himself pronounceA leash of languages at once. This he as volubly would vent 105As if his stock would ne'er be spent:And truly, to support that charge, He had supplies as vast and large;For he cou'd coin, or counterfeitNew words, with little or no wit: 110Words so debas'd and hard, no stoneWas hard enough to touch them on;And when with hasty noise he spoke 'em, The ignorant for current took 'em;That had the orator, who once 115Did fill his mouth with pebble stonesWhen he harangu'd, but known his phraseHe would have us'd no other ways. In MATHEMATICKS he was greaterThan TYCHO BRAHE, or ERRA PATER: 120For he, by geometric scale, Could take the size of pots of ale;Resolve, by sines and tangents straight, If bread or butter wanted weight, And wisely tell what hour o' th' day 125The clock does strike by algebra. Beside, he was a shrewd PHILOSOPHER, And had read ev'ry text and gloss over;Whate'er the crabbed'st author hath, He understood b' implicit faith: 130Whatever sceptic could inquire for, For ev'ry why he had a wherefore;Knew more than forty of them do, As far as words and terms cou'd go. All which he understood by rote, 135And, as occasion serv'd, would quote;No matter whether right or wrong, They might be either said or sung. His notions fitted things so well, That which was which he could not tell; 140But oftentimes mistook th' oneFor th' other, as great clerks have done. He could reduce all things to acts, And knew their natures by abstracts;Where entity and quiddity, 145The ghosts of defunct bodies fly;Where truth in person does appear, Like words congeal'd in northern air. He knew what's what, and that's as highAs metaphysic wit can fly; 150In school-divinity as ableAs he that hight, Irrefragable;A second THOMAS, or, at once, To name them all, another DUNCE:Profound in all the Nominal 155And Real ways, beyond them all:For he a rope of sand cou'd twistAs tough as learned SORBONIST;And weave fine cobwebs, fit for skullThat's empty when the moon is full; 160Such as take lodgings in a headThat's to be let unfurnished. He could raise scruples dark and nice, And after solve 'em in a trice;As if Divinity had catch'd 165The itch, on purpose to be scratch'd;Or, like a mountebank, did woundAnd stab herself with doubts profound, Only to show with how small painThe sores of Faith are cur'd again; 170Although by woeful proof we find, They always leave a scar behind. He knew the seat of Paradise, Could tell in what degree it lies;And, as he was dispos'd, could prove it, 175Below the moon, or else above it. What Adam dreamt of, when his brideCame from her closet in his side:Whether the devil tempted herBy a High Dutch interpreter; 180If either of them had a navel:Who first made music malleable:Whether the serpent, at the fall, Had cloven feet, or none at all. All this, without a gloss, or comment, 185He could unriddle in a moment, In proper terms, such as men smatterWhen they throw out, and miss the matter. 

For his Religion, it was fitTo match his learning and his wit; 190'Twas Presbyterian true blue;For he was of that stubborn crewOf errant saints, whom all men grantTo be the true Church Militant;Such as do build their faith upon 195The holy text of pike and gun;Decide all controversies byInfallible artillery;And prove their doctrine orthodoxBy apostolic blows and knocks; 200Call fire and sword and desolation, A godly thorough reformation, Which always must be carried on, And still be doing, never done;As if religion were intended 205For nothing else but to be mended. A sect, whose chief devotion liesIn odd perverse antipathies;In falling out with that or this, And finding somewhat still amiss; 210More peevish, cross, and splenetick, Than dog distract, or monkey sick. That with more care keep holy-dayThe wrong, than others the right way;Compound for sins they are inclin'd to, 215By damning those they have no mind to:Still so perverse and opposite, As if they worshipp'd God for spite. The self-same thing they will abhorOne way, and long another for. 220Free-will they one way disavow, Another, nothing else allow:All piety consists thereinIn them, in other men all sin:Rather than fail, they will defy 225That which they love most tenderly;Quarrel with minc'd-pies, and disparageTheir best and dearest friend, plum-porridge;Fat pig and goose itself oppose, And blaspheme custard through the nose. 230Th' apostles of this fierce religion, Like MAHOMET'S, were ass and pidgeon, To whom our knight, by fast instinctOf wit and temper, was so linkt, As if hypocrisy and nonsense 235Had got th' advowson of his conscience. 

Thus was he gifted and accouter'd;We mean on th' inside, not the outward;That next of all we shall discuss:Then listen, Sirs, it follows thus 240His tawny beard was th' equal graceBoth of his wisdom and his face;In cut and dye so like a tile, A sudden view it would beguile:The upper part thereof was whey; 245The nether, orange mix'd with grey. This hairy meteor did denounceThe fall of scepters and of crowns;With grisly type did representDeclining age of government; 250And tell with hieroglyphick spade, Its own grave and the state's were made. Like SAMPSON'S heart-breakers, it grewIn time to make a nation rue;Tho' it contributed its own fall, 255To wait upon the publick downfal, It was monastick, and did growIn holy orders by strict vow;Of rule as sullen and severeAs that of rigid Cordeliere. 260'Twas bound to suffer persecutionAnd martyrdom with resolution;T' oppose itself against the hateAnd vengeance of th' incensed state;In whose defiance it was worn, 265Still ready to be pull'd and torn;With red-hot irons to be tortur'd;Revil'd, and spit upon, and martyr'd. Maugre all which, 'twas to stand fastAs long as monarchy shou'd last; 270But when the state should hap to reel, 'Twas to submit to fatal steel, And fall, as it was consecrate, A sacrifice to fall of state;Whose thread of life the fatal sisters 275Did twist together with its whiskers, And twine so close, that time should never, In life or death, their fortunes sever;But with his rusty sickle mowBoth down together at a blow. 280So learned TALIACOTIUS fromThe brawny part of porter's bumCut supplemental noses, whichWou'd last as long as parent breech;But when the date of NOCK was out, 285Off drop'd the sympathetic snout. 

His back, or rather burthen, show'd, As if it stoop'd with its own load:For as AENEAS bore his sireUpon his shoulders thro' the fire, 290Our Knight did bear no less a packOf his own buttocks on his back;Which now had almost got the upper-Hand of his head, for want of crupper. To poise this equally, he bore 295A paunch of the same bulk before;Which still he had a special careTo keep well-cramm'd with thrifty fare;As white-pot, butter-milk, and curds, Such as a country-house affords; 300With other vittle, which anonWe farther shall dilate upon, When of his hose we come to treat, The cupboard where he kept his meat. 

His doublet was of sturdy buff, 305And tho' not sword, yet cudgel-proof;Whereby 'twas fitter for his use, Who fear'd no blows, but such as bruise. 

His breeches were of rugged woollen, And had been at the siege of Bullen; 310To old King HARRY so well known, Some writers held they were his own. Thro' they were lin'd with many a pieceOf ammunition bread and cheese, And fat black-puddings, proper food 315For warriors that delight in blood. For, as we said, he always choseTo carry vittle in his hose, That often tempted rats and miceThe ammunition to surprise: 320And when he put a hand but inThe one or t' other magazine, They stoutly in defence on't stood, And from the wounded foe drew blood;And 'till th' were storm'd and beaten out, 325Ne'er left the fortify'd redoubt. And tho' Knights Errant, as some think, Of old did neither eat nor drink, Because, when thorough desarts vast, And regions desolate, they past, 330Where belly-timber above ground, Or under, was not to be found, Unless they graz'd, there's not one wordOf their provision on record;Which made some confidently write, 335They had no stomachs, but to fight. 'Tis false: for ARTHUR wore in hallRound table like a farthingal, On which with shirt pull'd out behind, And eke before, his good Knights din'd. 340Though 'twas no table, some suppose, But a huge pair of round trunk hose;In which he carry'd as much meatAs he and all the Knights cou'd eat, When, laying by their swords and truncheons, 345They took their breakfasts, or their nuncheons. But let that pass at present, lestWe should forget where we digrest, As learned authors use, to whomWe leave it, and to th' purpose come, 350

His puissant sword unto his side, Near his undaunted heart, was ty'd;With basket-hilt, that wou'd hold broth, And serve for fight and dinner both. In it he melted lead for bullets, 355To shoot at foes, and sometimes pullets, To whom he bore so fell a grutch, He ne'er gave quarter t' any such. The trenchant blade, Toledo trusty, For want of fighting, was grown rusty, 360And ate unto itself, for lackOf somebody to hew and hack. The peaceful scabbard where it dweltThe rancour of its edge had felt;For of the lower end two handful 365It had devour'd, 'twas so manful;And so much scorn'd to lurk in case, As if it durst not shew its face. In many desperate attempts, Of warrants, exigents, contempts, 370It had appear'd with courage bolderThan Serjeant BUM invading shoulder. Oft had it ta'en possession, And pris'ners too, or made them run. 

This sword a dagger had t' his page, 375That was but little for his age;And therefore waited on him so, As dwarfs upon Knights Errant do. It was a serviceable dudgeon, Either for fighting or for drudging. 380When it had stabb'd, or broke a head, It would scrape trenchers, or chip bread;Toast cheese or bacon; tho' it wereTo bait a mouse-trap, 'twould not care. 'Twould make clean shoes; and in the earth 385Set leeks and onions, and so forth. It had been 'prentice to a brewer, Where this and more it did endure;But left the trade, as many moreHave lately done on the same score. 390

In th' holsters, at his saddle-bow, Two aged pistols he did stow, Among the surplus of such meatAs in his hose he cou'd not get. These wou'd inveigle rats with th' scent, 395To forage when the cocks were bent;And sometimes catch 'em with a snapAs cleverly as th' ablest trap. They were upon hard duty still, And ev'ry night stood centinel, 400To guard the magazine i' th' hoseFrom two-legg'd and from four-legg'd foes. 

Thus clad and fortify'd, Sir KnightFrom peaceful home set forth to fight. But first with nimble, active force 405He got on th' outside of his horse;For having but one stirrup ty'dT' his saddle, on the further side, It was so short, h' had much adoTo reach it with his desp'rate toe: 410But, after many strains and heaves, He got up to the saddle-eaves, From whence he vaulted into th' seat, With so much vigour, strength and heat, That he had almost tumbled over 415With his own weight, but did recover, By laying hold on tail and main, Which oft he us'd instead of rein. 

But now we talk of mounting steed, Before we further do proceed, 420It doth behoves us to say somethingOf that which bore our valiant bumkin. The beast was sturdy, large, and tall, With mouth of meal, and eyes of wall. I wou'd say eye; for h' had but one, 425As most agree; tho' some say none. He was well stay'd; and in his gaitPreserv'd a grave, majestick state. At spur or switch no more he skipt, Or mended pace, than Spaniard whipt; 430And yet so fiery, he wou'd boundAs if he griev'd to touch the ground:That CAESAR's horse, who, as fame goesHad corns upon his feet and toes, Was not by half so tender hooft, 435Nor trod upon the ground so soft. And as that beast would kneel and stoop(Some write) to take his rider up, So HUDIBRAS his ('tis well known)Wou'd often do to set him down. 440We shall not need to say what lackOf leather was upon his back;For that was hidden under pad, And breech of Knight, gall'd full as bad. His strutting ribs on both sides show'd 445Like furrows he himself had plow'd;For underneath the skirt of pannel, 'Twixt ev'ry two there was a channelHis draggling tail hung in the dirt, Which on his rider he wou'd flurt, 450Still as his tender side he prick'd, With arm'd heel, or with unarm'd kick'd:For HUDIBRAS wore but one spur;As wisely knowing, cou'd he stirTo active trot one side of's horse, 455The other wou'd not hang an arse. 

A squire he had, whose name was RALPH, That in th' adventure went his half:Though writers, for more stately tone, Do call him RALPHO; 'tis all one; 460And when we can with metre safe, We'll call him so; if not, plain RALPH:(For rhyme the rudder is of verses, With which like ships they steer their courses. )An equal stock of wit and valour 465He had laid in; by birth a taylor. The mighty Tyrian Queen, that gain'dWith subtle shreds a tract of land, Did leave it with a castle fairTo his great ancestor, her heir. 470From him descended cross-legg'd Knights, Fam'd for their faith, and warlike fightsAgainst the bloody cannibal, Whom they destroy'd both great and small. This sturdy Squire, he had, as well 475As the bold Trojan Knight, seen Hell;Not with a counterfeited passOf golden bough, but true gold-lace. His knowledge was not far behindThe Knight's, but of another kind, 480And he another way came by 't:Some call it GIFTS, and some NEW-LIGHT;A liberal art, that costs no painsOf study, industry, or brains. His wit was sent him for a token, 485But in the carriage crack'd and broken. Like commendation nine-pence crook'd, With -- To and from my love -- it look'd. He ne'er consider'd it, as lothTo look a gift-horse in the mouth; 490And very wisely wou'd lay forthNo more upon it than 'twas worth. But as he got it freely, soHe spent it frank and freely too. For Saints themselves will sometimes be 495Of gifts, that cost them nothing, free. By means of this, with hem and cough, Prolongers to enlighten'd stuff, He cou'd deep mysteries unriddleAs easily as thread a needle. 500For as of vagabonds we say, That they are ne'er beside their way;Whate'er men speak by this New Light, Still they are sure to be i' th' right. 'Tis a dark-lanthorn of the Spirit, 505Which none see by but those that bear it:A light that falls down from on high, For spiritual trades to cozen byAn Ignis Fatuus, that bewitchesAnd leads men into pools and ditches, 510To make them dip themselves, and soundFor Christendom in dirty pondTo dive like wild-fowl for salvation, And fish to catch regeneration. This light inspires and plays upon 515The nose of Saint like bag-pipe drone, And speaks through hollow empty soul, As through a trunk, or whisp'ring hole, Such language as no mortal earBut spirit'al eaves-droppers can hear: 520So PHOEBUS, or some friendly muse, Into small poets song infuse, Which they at second-hand rehearse, Thro' reed or bag-pipe, verse for verse. 

Thus RALPH became infallible 525As three or four-legg'd oracle, The ancient cup, or modern chair;Spoke truth point-blank, tho' unaware. 

For MYSTICK LEARNING, wond'rous ableIn magick Talisman and Cabal, 530Whose primitive tradition reachesAs far as ADAM'S first green breeches:Deep-sighted in intelligences, Ideas, atoms, influences;And much of Terra Incognita, 535Th' intelligible world, cou'd say:A deep OCCULT PHILOSOPHER, As learn'd as the wild Irish are, Or Sir AGRIPPA ; for profoundAnd solid lying much renown'd. 540He ANTHROPOSOPHUS, and FLOUD, And JACOB BEHMEN understood:Knew many an amulet and charm, That wou'd do neither good nor harm:In ROSY-CRUCIAN lore as learned, 545As he that Vere adeptus earned. He understood the speech of birdsAs well as they themselves do words;Cou'd tell what subtlest parrots mean, That speak, and think contrary clean: 550What Member 'tis of whom they talk, When they cry, Rope, and walk, knave, walk. He'd extract numbers out of matter, And keep them in a glass, like water;Of sov'reign pow'r to make men wise; 555For drop'd in blear thick-sighted eyes, They'd make them see in darkest nightLike owls, tho' purblind in the light. By help of these (as he profess'd)He had First Matter seen undress'd: 560He took her naked all alone, Before one rag of form was on. The Chaos too he had descry'd, And seen quite thro', or else he ly'd:Not that of paste-board which men shew 565For groats, at fair of Barthol'mew;But its great grandsire, first o' the name, Whence that and REFORMATION came;Both cousin-germans, and right ableT' inveigle and draw in the rabble. 570But Reformation was, some say, O' th' younger house to Puppet-play. He cou'd foretel whats'ever wasBy consequence to come to pass;As death of great men, alterations, 575Diseases, battles, inundations. All this, without th' eclipse o' th' sun, Or dreadful comet, he hath done, By inward light; away as good, And easy to be understood; 580But with more lucky hit than thoseThat use to make the stars depose, Like Knights o' th' post, and falsely chargeUpon themselves what others forge:As if they were consenting to 585All mischiefs in the world men do:Or, like the Devil, did tempt and sway 'emTo rogueries, and then betray 'em. They'll search a planet's house, to knowWho broke and robb'd a house below: 590Examine VENUS, and the MOON, Who stole a thimble or a spoon;And tho' they nothing will confess, Yet by their very looks can guess, And tell what guilty aspect bodes, 595Who stole, and who receiv'd the goods. They'll question MARS, and, by his look, Detect who 'twas that nimm'd a cloke:Make MERCURY confess, and 'peachThose thieves which he himself did teach. 600They'll find, i' th' physiognomiesO' th' planets, all men's destinies. ;Like him that took the doctor's bill, And swallow'd it instead o' th' pillCast the nativity o' th' question, 605And from positions to be guess'd on, As sure as it' they knew the momentOf natives birth, tell what will come on't. They'll feel the pulses of the stars, To find out agues, coughs, catarrhs; 610And tell what crisis does divineThe rot in sheep, or mange in swineIn men, what gives or cures the itch;What makes them cuckolds, poor or rich;What gains or loses, hangs or saves; 615What makes men great, what fools or knaves, But not what wise; for only of thoseThe stars (they say) cannot dispose, No more than can the Astrologians. There they say right, and like true Trojans. This RALPHO knew, and therefore took 620The other course, of which we spoke. 

Thus was the accomplish'd Squire endu'dWith gifts and knowledge, per'lous shrew'd. Never did trusty Squire with Knight, Or Knight with Squire, e'er jump more right. 625Their arms and equipage did fit, As well as virtues, parts, and wit. Their valours too were of a rate;And out they sally'd at the gate. 630Few miles on horseback had they jogged, But Fortune unto them turn'd dogged;For they a sad adventure met, Of which anon we mean to treat;But ere we venture to unfold 635Atchievements so resolv'd and bold, We shou'd as learned poets use, Invoke th' assistance of some muse:However, criticks count it sillierThan jugglers talking to familiar. 640We think 'tis no great matter whichThey're all alike; yet we shall pitchOn one that fits our purpose mostWhom therefore thus do we accost:

Thou that with ale, or viler liquors, 645Did'st inspire WITHERS, PRYN, and VICKARS, And force them, tho' it was in spiteOf nature and their stars, to write;Who, as we find in sullen writs, And cross-grain'd works of modern wits, 650With vanity, opinion, want, The wonder of the ignorant, The praises of the author, penn'dB' himself, or wit-insuring friend;The itch of picture in the front, 655With bays and wicked rhyme upon't;All that is left o' th' forked hill, To make men scribble without skill;Canst make a poet spite of fate, And teach all people to translate, 660Tho' out of languages in whichThey understand no part of speech;Assist me but this once, I 'mplore, And I shall trouble thee no more. 

In western clime there is a town, 665To those that dwell therein well known;Therefore there needs no more be said here, We unto them refer our reader;For brevity is very good, When w' are, or are not, understood. 670To this town people did repair, On days of market, or of fair, And, to crack'd fiddle, and hoarse tabor, In merriment did drudge and labor. But now a sport more formidable 675Had rak'd together village rabble:'Twas an old way of recreating, Which learned butchers call bear-baiting:A bold advent'rous exercise, With ancient heroes in high prize: 680For authors do affirm it cameFrom Isthmian or Nemean game:Others derive it from the bearThat's fix'd in northern hemisphere, And round about the pole does make 685A circle like a bear at stake, That at the chain's end wheels about, And overturns the rabble-rout. For after solemn proclamation, In the bear's name, (as is the fashion, 690According to the law of arms, To keep men from inglorious harms, )That none presume to come so nearAs forty foot of stake of bear, If any yet be so fool-hardy, 695T' expose themselves to vain jeopardy, If they come wounded off, and lame, No honour's got by such a maim;Altho' the bear gain much, b'ing boundIn honour to make good his ground, 700When he's engag'd, and takes no notice, If any press upon him, who 'tis;But let's them know, at their own cost, That he intends to keep his post. This to prevent, and other harms, 705Which always wait on feats of arms, (For in the hurry of a fray'Tis hard to keep out of harm's way, )Thither the Knight his course did steer, To keep the peace 'twixt dog and bear; 710As he believ'd he was bound to doIn conscience, and commission too;And therefore thus bespoke the Squire. 

We that are wisely mounted higherThan constables in curule wit, When on tribunal bench we sit, Like speculators shou'd foresee, From Pharos of authority, Portended mischiefs farther thenLow Proletarian tything-men: 720And therefore being inform'd by bruit, That dog and bear are to dispute;For so of late men fighting name, Because they often prove the same;(For where the first does hap to be, 725The last does coincidere;)Quantum in nobis, have thought good, To save th' expence of Christian blood, And try if we, by mediationOf treaty and accommodation, 730Can end the quarrel and composeThe bloody duel without blows. Are not our liberties, our lives, The laws, religion and our wives, Enough at once to lie at stake 735For Cov'nant and the Cause's sake?But in that quarrel dogs and bears, As well as we must venture theirsThis feud, by Jesuits invented, By evil counsel is fomented: 740There is a MACHIAVILIAN plot, (Tho' ev'ry Nare olfact is not, )A deep design in't, to divideThe well-affected that confide, By setting brother against brother, 745To claw and curry one another. Have we not enemies plus satis, That Cane & Angue pejus hate us?And shall we turn our fangs and clawsUpon our own selves, without cause? 750That some occult design doth lieIn bloody cynarctomachy, Is plain enough to him that knowsHow Saints lead brothers by the nose. I wish myself a pseudo-prophet, 755But sure some mischief will come of it;Unless by providential wit, Or force, we averruncate it. For what design, what interest, Can beast have to encounter beast? 760They fight for no espoused cause, Frail privilege, fundamental laws, Not for a thorough reformation, Nor covenant, nor protestation, Nor liberty of consciences, 765Nor Lords and Commons ordinances;Nor for the church, nor for church-lands, To get them in their own no hands;Nor evil counsellors to bringTo justice that seduce the King; 770Nor for the worship of us men, Though we have done as much for them. Th' AEgyptians worshipp'd dogs, and forTheir faith made internecine war. Others ador'd a rat, and some 775For that church suffer'd martyrdom. The Indians fought for the truthOf th' elephant and monkey's tooth, And many, to defend that faith, Fought it out mordicus to death. 780But no beast ever was so slight, For man, as for his God, to fight. They have more wit, alas! and knowThemselves and us better than so. But we, who only do infuse 785The rage in them like Boute-feus;'Tis our example that instilsIn them th' infection of our ills. For, as some late philosophers. Have well observ'd, beasts, that converse 790With man, take after him, as hogsGet pigs all the year, and bitches dogs. Just so, by our example, cattleLearn to give one another battle. We read, in NERO's time, the heathen, 795When they destroy'd the Christian brethren, Did sew them in the skins of bears, And then set dogs about their ears:From thence, no doubt, th' invention cameOf this lewd antichristian game. 800

To this, quoth RALPHO, VerilyThe point seems very plain to me. It is an antichristian game, Unlawful both in thing and name. First, for the name: the word, bear-baiting 805Is carnal, and of man's creating:For certainly there's no such wordIn all the scripture on record;Therefore unlawful, and a sin;And so is (secondly) the thing. 810A vile assembly 'tis, that canNo more be prov'd by scripture thanProvincial, classic, national;Mere human-creature cobwebs all. Thirdly, it is idolatrous; 815For when men run a whoring thusWith their inventions, whatsoe'erThe thing be, whether dog or bear, It is idolatrous and pagan, No less than worshipping of DAGON. 820

Quoth HUDIBRAS, I smell a rat;RALPHO, thou dost prevaricate:For though the thesis which thou lay'stBe true ad amussim, as thou say'st;(For that bear-baiting should appear 825Jure divino lawfullerThan synods are, thou dost deny, Totidem verbis; so do I;)Yet there's a fallacy in this;For if by sly HOMAEOSIS, 830Tussis pro crepitu, an artUnder a cough to slur a f--tThou wou'dst sophistically imply, Both are unlawful, I deny. 

And I (quoth RALPHO) do not doubt 835But bear-baiting may be made out, In gospel-times, as lawful as isProvincial or parochial classis;And that both are so near of kin, And like in all, as well as sin, 840That put them in a bag, and shake 'em, Yourself o' th' sudden would mistake 'em, And not know which is which, unlessYou measure by their wickedness:For 'tis not hard t'imagine whether 845O' th' two is worst; tho' I name neither. 

Quoth HUDIBRAS, Thou offer'st much, But art not able to keep touch. Mira de lente, as 'tis i' th' adage, Id est, to make a leek a cabbage; 850Thou'lt be at best but such a bull, Or shear-swine, all cry, and no wool;For what can synods have at allWith bear that's analogical?Or what relation has debating 855Of church-affairs with bear-baiting?A just comparison still isOf things ejusdem generis;And then what genus rightly dothInclude and comprehend them both? 860If animal both of us mayAs justly pass for bears as they;For we are animals no less, Altho' of different specieses. But, RALPHO, this is not fit place 865Nor time to argue out the case:For now the field is not far off, Where we must give the world a proofOf deeds, not words, and such as suitAnother manner of dispute; 870A controversy that affordsActions for arguments, not words;Which we must manage at a rateOf prowess and conduct adequateTo what our place and fame doth promise, 875And all the godly expect from us, Nor shall they be deceiv'd, unlessWe're slurr'd and outed by success;Success, the mark no mortal wit, Or surest hand can always hit: 880For whatsoe'er we perpetrate, We do but row, we're steer'd by Fate, Which in success oft disinherits, For spurious causes, noblest merits. Great actions are not always true sons 885Of great and mighty resolutions;Nor do th' boldest attempts bring forthEvents still equal to their worth;But sometimes fail, and, in their stead, Fortune and cowardice succeed. 890Yet we have no great cause to doubt;Our actions still have borne us out;Which tho' they're known to be so ample, We need not copy from example. We're not the only persons durst 895Attempt this province, nor the first. In northern clime a val'rous KnightDid whilom kill his bear in fght, And wound a fiddler; we have bothOf these the objects of our wroth, 900And equal fame and glory fromTh' attempt of victory to come. 'Tis sung, there is a valiant MamalukeIn foreign land, yclep'd --To whom we have been oft compar'd 905For person, parts; address, and beard;Both equally reputed stout, And in the same cause both have fought:He oft in such attempts as theseCame off with glory and success; 910Nor will we fail in th' execution, For want of equal resolution. Honour is like a widow, wonWith brisk attempt and putting on;With ent'ring manfully, and urging; 915Not slow approaches, like a virgin. 

'Tis said, as yerst the Phrygian Knight, So ours with rusty steel did smiteHis Trojan horse, and just as muchHe mended pace upon the touch; 920But from his empty stomach groan'dJust as that hollow beast did sound, And angry answer'd from behind, With brandish'd tail and blast of wind. So have I seen, with armed heel, 925A wight bestride a Common-weal;While still the more he kick'd and spurr'd, The less the sullen jade has stirr'd. 

Notes to Part I, Canto I. 

1. When civil a dudgeon, &c. ] Dudgeon. Who made thealterations in the last Edition of this poem I know not, but theyare certainly sometimes for the worse; and I cannot believe theAuthor would have changed a word so proper in that place asdudgeon for that of fury, as it is in the last Edition. To take indudgeon, is inwardly to resent some injury or affront; a sort ofgrumbling in the gizzard, and what is previous to actual fury. 

24 b That could as well, &c. ] Bind over to the Sessions as beinga Justice of the Peace in his County, as well as Colonel of aRegiment of Foot in the Parliament's army, and a committee-Man. 

38 c As MONTAIGNE, &c. ] Montaigne, in his Essays, supposes his cat thought him a fool, for losing his time inplaying with her. 

62 d To make some, &c. ] Here again is an alteration withoutany amendment; for the following lines, And truly, so he was, perhaps, Not as a Proselyte, but for Claps, Are thus changed, And truly so, perhaps, he was;'Tis many a pious Christian's case. 

The Heathens had an odd opinion, and have a strange reasonwhy Moses imposed the law of circumcision on the Jews, which, how untrue soever, I will give the learned reader anaccount of without translation, as I find it in the annotationsupon Horace, wrote by my worthy and learned friend Mr. William Baxter, the great restorer of the ancient and promoter ofmodern learning. Hor. Sat. 9. Sermon. Lib. I. --Curtis; quia pellicula imminuti sunt; quia Moses RexJudoeorum, cujus Legibus reguntur, negligentia PHIMOZEISmedicinaliter exsectus est, & ne soles esset notabi omnescircumcidi voluit. Vet. Schol. Vocem. -- (PHIMOZEIS quainscitia Librarii exciderat reposuimus ex conjectura, uti &medicinaliter exsectus pro medicinalis effectus quae nihil erant. )Quis miretur ejusmodi convicia homini Epicureo atque Paganoexcidisse? Jure igitur Henrico Glareano Diaboli Organumvidetur. Etiam Satyra Quinta haec habet: Constat omniamiracula certa ratione fieri, de quibus Epicurei prudentissimedisputant. [Circumcised: Moses the King of the Jews, by whoselaws they are ruled, and whose foreskin overhung (the tip of hispenis), had this blockage carelessly medicinally removed, andnot wishing to be alone wanted them all to be circumcised. (We have tentatively restored the word BLOCKAGE, which thescribe's incompetence has omitted, and substituted medicallyremoved for carried out by a doctor which was never there. )Who shall wonder that this kind of cutting caused an outcry byEpicureans and Pagans? It can be seen therefore, why HenricusGlareanus judged it an implement of the devil. So the FifthSatire has it: It is certain that every miracle can be fitted into thephilosophical systems which the Epicureans most carefullydiscuss. ]

66 e Profoundly skill'd, &c. ] Analytick is a part of logic, thatteaches to decline and construe reason, as grammar does words. 

93 f A Babylonish, &c. ] A confusion of languages, such assome of our modern Virtuosi used to express themselves in. 

103 g Or CERBERUS himself, &c. ] Cerberus; a name whichpoets give a dog with three heads, which they feigned door-keeper of Hell, that caressed the unfortunate souls sent thither, and devoured them that would get out again; yet Hercules tiedhim up, and made him follow. This dog with three headsdenotes the past, the present, and the time to come; whichreceive, and, as it were, devour all things. Hercules got thebetter of him, which shews that heroic actions are alwaysvictorious over time, because they are present in the memory ofposterity. 

115 h That had the, &c. ] Demosthenes, who is said to have hada defect in his pronunciation, which he cured by using to speakwith little stones in his mouth. 

120 i Than TYCHO BRAHE, &c. ] Tycho Brahe was aneminent Danish mathematician. Quer. In Collier's Dictionary, orelsewhere. 

131 k Whatever Sceptick, &c. ] Sceptick. Pyrrho was the chiefof the Sceptick Philosophers, and was at first, as Apollodorussaith, a painter, then became the hearer of Driso, and at last thedisciple of Anaxagoras, whom he followed into India, to see theGymnosophists. He pretended that men did nothing but bycustom; there was neither honesty nor dishonesty, justice norinjustice, good nor evil. He was very solitary, lived to be ninetyyears old, was highly esteemed in his country, and created chiefpriest. He lived in the time of Epicurus and Theophrastus, aboutthe 120th Olympiad. His followers were called Phyrrhonians;besides which they were named the Ephecticks andAphoreticks, but more generally Scepticks. This sect made theirchiefest good to consist in a sedateness of mind, exempt fromall passions; in regulating their opinions, and moderating theirpassions, which they called Ataxia and Metriopathia; and insuspending their judgment in regard of good and evil, truth orfalsehood, which they called Epechi. Sextus Empiricus, wholived in the second century, under the Emperor Antoninus Pius, writ ten books against the mathematicians or astrologers, andthree of the Phyrrhonian opinion. The word is derived from theGreek SKEPTESZAI, quod est, considerare, speculare. [Toconsider or speculate]

143 l He cou'd reduce, &c. ] The old philosophers thought toextract notions out of natural things, as chymists do spirits andessences; and, when they had refined them into the nicestsubtilties, gave them as insignificant names as those operatorsdo their extractions: But (as Seneca says) the subtiler things arethey are but the nearer to nothing. So are all their definitions ofthings by acts the nearer to nonsense. 

147 m Where Truth, &c. ] Some authors have mistaken truth fora real thing, when it is nothing but a right method of puttingthose notions or images of things (in the understanding of man)into the same and order that their originals hold in nature, andtherefore Aristotle says Unumquodque sicut habet secundumesse, ita se habet secundum veritatem. Met. L. Ii. [As everything has a secondary essence, therefore it has a secondarytruth]

148 n Like words congeal'd, &c. ] Some report in Nova Zembla, and Greenland, mens' words are wont to be frozen in the air, and at the thaw may heard. 

151 In School-Divinity as able, As o he that Hight, Irrefragable, &c. ]Here again is another alteration of three or lines, as I think, forthe worse. Some specific epithets were added to the title of some famousdoctors, as Angelicus, Irrefragabilis, Subtilis, [Angelic, Unopposable, Discriminating] &c. Vide Vossi Etymolog. Baillet Jugemens de Scavans, & Possevin's Apparatus

153 p A Second THOMAS or at once, To name them all, another DUNCE. Thomas Aquinas, a Dominican friar, was born in 1224, andstudied at Cologne and Paris. He new modelled the school-divinity, and was therefore called the Angelic Doctor, and Eagleof Divines. The most illustrious persons of his time wereambitious of his friendship, and put a high value on his merits, so that they offered him bishopricks, which he refused with asmuch ardor as others seek after them. He died in the fiftieth yearof his age, and was canonized by Pope John XII. We have hisworks in eighteen volumes, several times printed. 

Johannes Dunscotus was a very learned man, who lived aboutthe end of the thirteenth and beginning of the fourteenthcentury. The English and Scotch strive which of them shall havethe honour of his birth. The English say, he was born inNorthumberland: the Scots alledge he was born at Duns, in theMers, the neighbouring county to Northumberland, and hencewas called Dunscotus. Moreri, Buchanan, and other Scotchhistorians, are of this opinion, and for proof cite his epitaph:

Scotia me genuit, Anglia suscepit, Gallia edocuit, Germania tenet. [Scotland bore me, England reared me, France instructed me, Germany kept me. ]

He died at Cologne, Novem. 8. 1308. In the Supplement to Dr. Cave's Historia Literaria, he is said to be extraordinary learnedin physicks, metaphysicks, mathematicks, and astronomy; thathis fame was so great when at Oxford, that 30, 000 scholarscame thither to hear his lectures: that when at Paris, hisarguments and authority carried it for the immaculateconception of the Blessed Virgin; so that they appointed afestival on that account, and would admit us scholars to degreesbut such as were of this mind. He was a great opposer ofThomas Aquinas's doctrine; and, for being a very acutelogician, was called Doctor Subtilis; [Discriminating (or, literally, Slender) Teacher] which was the reason also, that anold punster always called him the Lathy Doctor. 

158 q As tough as, &c. ] Sorbon was the first and mostconsiderable college of the university of Paris, founded in timereign of St. Lewis, by Robert Sorbon, which name is sometimesgiven to the whole University of Paris, which was founded, about the year 741, by Charlemagne, at the persuasion of thelearned Alcuinus, who was one of the first professors there;since which time it has been very famous. This college has beenrebuilt with an extraordinary magnificence, at the charge ofCardinal Richlieu, and contains lodgings for thirty-six doctors, who are called the Society of Sorbon. Those which are receivedamong them before they have received their doctor's degree areonly said to be of the Hospitality of Sorbon. Claud. Hemerausde Acad. Paris. Spondan in Annal. 

173 r he knew, &c. ] There is nothing more ridiculous than thevarious opinions of authors about the seat of Paradise. Sir. Walter Raleigh has taken a great deal of pains to collect them, in the beginning of his History of the World; where those, whoare unsatisfied, may be fully informed. 

180 s By a High-Dutch, &c. ] Goropius Becanus endeavours toprove that High-Dutch was the language that Adam and Evespoke in Paradise. 

181 t If either of &c. ] Adam and Eve being made, and notconceived and formed in the womb had no navels as somelearned men have supposed, because they had no need of them. 

182 u Who first made, &c. ] Musick is said to be invented byPythagoras, who first found out the proportion of notes fromthe sounds of hammers upon an anvil

232 w Like MAHOMET's &c. ) Mahomet had a tame dove, thatused to pick seeds out of his ear that it might be thought towhisper and inspire him. His ass was so intimate with him, thatthe Mahometans believed it carried him to heaven, and staysthere with him to bring him back again. 

257 x It was Monastick, and did grow In holy Orders by strict Vow. He made a vow never to cut his beard until the Parliament hadsubdued the King; of which order of phanatick votaries therewere many in those times. 

281 y So learned TALIACOTIUS &c. ] Taliacotius was anItalian surgeon, that found out a way to repair lost and decayednoses. This Taliacotius was chief surgeon to the Great Duke ofTuscany, and wrote a treatise, De Curtis Membris, [Of Cut-offParts] which he dedicates to his great master wherein he notonly declares the models of his wonderful operations inrestoring of lost members, but gives you cuts of the veryinstruments and ligatures he made use of therein; from henceour Author (cum poetica licentia [with poetic licence]) hastaken his simile. 

289 z For as AENEAS, &c. ] AEneas was the son of Anchisesand Venus; a Trojan, who, after long travels, came to Italy, andafter the death of his father-in-law, Latinus, was made king ofLatium, and reigned three years. His story is too long to inserthere, and therefore I refer you to Virgil's AEneids. Troy beinglaid in ashes, he took his aged father Anchises upon his back, and rescued him from his enemies. But being too solicitous forhis son and household gods, he lost his wife Creusa; which Mr. Dryden, in his excellent translation, thus expresseth. 

Haste my dear father (tis no time to wait, )And load my shoulders with a willing freight. Whate'er befals, your life shall be my care;One death, or one deliv'rance, we will share. My hand shall lead our little son; and you, My faithful consort, shall our steps pursue. 

337 a -- For ARTHUR, &c. ] Who this Arthur was and whetherany ever reigned in Britain, has been doubted heretofore, and isby some to this very day. However, the history of him, whichmakes him one of the nine worthies of the world, is a subject, sufficient for the Poet to be pleasant upon. 

359 b -- Toledo trusty, &c. ] The capital city of New Castile, Spain, with an archbishopric and primacy. It was very famous, amongst other things, for tempering the best metal for swords, as Damascus was and perhaps may be still. 

389 c But left the trade, as many more Have lately done, &c. Oliver Cromwell and Colonel Pride had been both brewers. 

433 d That CAESAR's Horse, who, as Fame goes, Had corns upon his Feet and Toes. Julius Caesar had a horse with feet like a man's. Utebatur equoinsigni; pedibus prope humanis, modum digitorum ungulisfissis. [He rode a horse with this distinction; it had feet like aman's, having the hooves split like toes] Suet. In Jul. Cap. 61. 

467 c The mighty Tyrian Queen, that gain'd With subtle Shreds a Tract of Land. Dido, Queen of Carthage, who bought as much land as shecould compass with an ox's hide, which she cut into smallthongs, and cheated the owner of so much ground as served herto build Carthage upon. 

476 f As the bold, &c. ] AEneas, whom Virgil reports to use agolden bough for a pass to hell; and taylors call that place Hellwhere they put all they steal. 

526 g As three, &c. ] Read the great Geographical Dictionary, under that word. 

520 h In Magick, &c. ] Talisman is a device to destroy any sortof vermin, by casting their images in metal, in a precise minute, when the stars are perfectly inclined to do them all the mischiefthey can. This has been experienced by some modern Virtuosiupon rats, mice, and fleas, and found (as they affirm) to producethe effect with admirable success. 

Raymund Lully interprets cabal, out of the Arabic, to signifyScientia superabundans; which his commentator, CorneliusAgrippa, by over-magnifying, has rendered a very superfluousfoppery. 

532 i As far as, &c. ] The author of Magia Adamica endeavoursto prove the learning of the ancient Magi to be derived from thatknowledge which God himself taught Adam in Paradise beforethe fall. 

535 And much of Terra Incognita, The intelligible World cou'd say. The intelligible world is a kind of Terra Del Fuego, orPsittacorum Regio[Land of Parrots], &c. Discovered only by thephilosophers; of which they talk, like parrots, what they do notunderstand. 

538 k learned &c. ] No nation in the world is more addicted tothis occult philosophy than the Wild-Irish are, as appears by thewhole practice of their lives; of which see Camden in hisdescription of Ireland. 

539 l Or Sir AGRIPPA, &c. ] They who would know more ofSir Cornelius Agrippa, here meant, may consult the GreatDictionary. 

541 m He ANTHROPOSOPHUS and FLOUD, And JACOB BEHMEN understood. Anthroposophus is only a compound Greek word, whichsignifies a man that is wise in the knowledge of men, as is usedby some anonymous author to conceal his true name. Dr. Floud was a sort of an English Rosy-crucian, whose worksare extant, and as intelligible as those of Jacob Behmen. 

545 n In ROSY-CRUCIAN Lore as learned As he that Vere Adeptus earned. The fraternity of the Rosy-crucians is very like the sect of theancient Gnostici, who called them selves so from the excellentlearning they pretended to, although they were really the mostridiculous sots of mankind. Vere Adeptus is one that has commenced in their phanatickextravagance. 

646 o Thou that with Ale or viler Liquors, Didst inspire WITHERS, PRYN, and VICARS. This Vicars was a man of as great interest and authority in thelate Reformation as Pryn or Withers, and as able a poet. Hetranslated Virgil's AEneids into as horrible Travesty, in earnest, as the French Scaroon did in burlesque, and was only outdonein his way by the politic author of Oceana. 

714 p We that are, &c. ] This speech is set down as it wasdelivered by the Knight, in his own words: But since it is belowthe gravity of heroical poetry to admit of humour, but all menare obliged to speak wisely alike, and too much of soextravagant a folly would become tedious and impertinent, therest of his harangues have only his sense expressed in otherwords, unless in some few places, where his own words couldnot be so well avoided. 

753 q In bloody, &c. ] Cynarctomachy signifies no thing in theworld but a fight between dogs and bears; though both thelearned and ignorant agree that in such words very greatknowledge is contained: And our Knight, as one, or both, ofthese, was of the same opinion. 

758 r Or Force, &c. ] Averruncate: Another of the same kind, which, though it appear ever so learned and profound, meansnothing else but the weeding of corn. 

777 s The Indians fought for the Truth Of th' Elephant and Monkey's Tooth. The History of the White Elephant and the Monkey's-Tooth, which the Indians adored, is written by Mons. Le Blanc. Thismonkey's tooth was taken by the Portuguese from those thatworshipped it; and though they offered a vast ransom for it, yetthe Christians were persuaded by their priests rather to burn it. But as soon as the fire was kindled, all the people present werenot able to endure the horrible stink that came from it, as if thefire had been made of the same ingredients with which seamenuse to compose that kind of granados which they call stinkards. 

786 t The Rage, &c. ] Boute-feus is a French word, and thereforeit were uncivil to suppose any English person (especially ofquality) ignorant of it, or so ill-bred as to need an exposition. 

903 u 'Tis sung, &c. ] Mamaluke is the name of the militia of theSultans of Egypt. It signified a servant or soldier. They werecommonly captives taken from amongst the Christians, andinstructed in military discipline, and did not marry. Their powerwas great; for besides that the Sultans were chosen out of theirbody, they disposed of the most important offices of thekingdom. They were formidable about 200 years; 'till at lastSelim, Sultan of the Turks, routed them, and killed their Sultan, near Aleppo, 1516, and so put an end to the empire ofMamalukes, which had lasted 267 years. No question but the rhime to Mamaluke was meant Sir SamuelLuke, of whom in the Preface. 

913 w Honour is like, &c. ] Our English proverbs are notimpertinent to this purpose:

He that woos a Maid, must seldom come in her sight:But he that woos a Widow, must woo her Day and Night. He that woos a Maid, must feign, lye, and flatter:But he that woos a Widow, must down with his Breeches, and at her. 

This proverb being somewhat immodest, Mr Ray says he wouldnot have inserted it in his collection, but that he met with it in alittle book, intitled, the Quakers' Spiritual Court Proclaimed;written by Nathaniel Smith, Student in Physic; wherein theauthor mentions it as counsel given him by Hilkiah Bedford, aneminent Quaker in London, who would have had him to havemarried a rich widow, in whose house he lodged. In case hecould get her, this Nathaniel Smith had promised Hilkiah achamber gratis. The whole narrative is worth the reading. 

PART I. 

CANTO II. 

THE ARGUMENT. 

-------------------------------------------------The catalogue and characterOf th' enemies best men of war;Whom, in bold harangue, the KnightDefies, and challenges to fight. H' encounters Talgol, routs the Bear, And takes the Fiddler prisoner, Conveys him to enchanted castle;There shuts him fast in wooden bastile. -------------------------------------------------

THERE was an ancient sage philosopher, That had read ALEXANDER Ross over, And swore the world, as he cou'd prove, Was made of fighting and of love:Just so romances are; for what else 5Is in them all, but love and battels?O' th' first of these we've no great matterTo treat of, but a world o' th' latter;In which to do the injur'd rightWe mean, in what concerns just fight. 10Certes our authors are to blame, For to make some well-sounding nameA pattern fit for modern KnightsTo copy out in frays and fights;Like those that a whole street do raze 15To build a palace in the place. They never care how many othersThey kill, without regard of mothers, Or wives, or children, so they canMake up some fierce, dead-doing man, 20Compos'd of many ingredient valors, Just like the manhood of nine taylors. So a Wild Tartar, when he spiesA man that's handsome, valiant, wise, If he can kill him, thinks t' inherit 25His wit, his beauty, and his spiritAs if just so much he enjoy'dAs in another is destroy'dFor when a giant's slain in fight, And mow'd o'erthwart, or cleft down right, 30It is a heavy case, no doubt;A man should have his brains beat outBecause he's tall, and has large bones;As men kill beavers for their stones. But as for our part, we shall tell 35The naked truth of what befel;And as an equal friend to bothThe Knight and Bear, but more to troth, With neither faction shall take part, But give to each his due desert; 40And never coin a formal lie on't, To make the Knight o'ercome the giant. This b'ing profest, we've hopes enough, And now go on where we left off. 

They rode; but authors having not 45Determin'd whether pace or trot, (That is to say, whether tollutation, As they do term't, or succussation, )We leave it, and go on, as nowSuppose they did, no matter how; 50Yet some from subtle hints have gotMysterious light, it was a trot:But let that pass: they now begunTo spur their living-engines on. For as whipp'd tops, and bandy'd balls, 55The learned hold, are animals;So horses they affirm to beMere engines made by geometry;And were invented first from engines, As Indian Britons were from Penguins. 60So let them be; and, as I was saying, They their live engines ply'd, not stayingUntil they reach'd the fatal champain, Which th' enemy did then encamp on;The dire Pharsalian plain, where battle 65Was to be wag'd 'twixt puissant cattleAnd fierce auxiliary men, That came to aid their brethren, Who now began to take the field, As Knight from ridge of steed beheld. 70For as our modern wits behold, Mounted a pick-back on the old, Much further oft; much further he, Rais'd on his aged beast cou'd see;Yet not sufficient to descry 75All postures of the enemy;Wherefore he bids the Squire ride further, T' observe their numbers, and their order;That when their motions he had knownHe might know how to fit his own. 80Meanwhile he stopp'd his willing steed, To fit himself for martial deed. Both kinds of metal he prepar'd, Either to give blows, or to ward:Courage and steel, both of great force, 85Prepar'd for better, or for worse. His death-charg'd pistols he did fit well, Drawn out from life-preserving vittle. These being prim'd, with force he labour'dTo free's sword from retentive scabbard 90And, after many a painful pluck, From rusty durance he bail'd tuck. Then shook himself, to see that prowessIn scabbard of his arms sat loose;And, rais'd upon his desp'rate foot, 95On stirrup-side he gaz'd about, Portending blood, like blazing star, The beacon of approaching war. RALPHO rode on with no less speedThan Hugo in the forest did; 100But far more in returning made;For now the foe he had survey'd, Rang'd as to him they did appear, With van, main battle, wings, and rear. I' the head of all this warlike rabble, 105CROWDERO march'd, expert and able. Instead of trumpet and of drum, That makes the warrior's stomach come, Whose noise whets valour sharp, like beerBy thunder turn'd to vinegar, 110(For if a trumpet sound, or drum beat, Who has not a month's mind to combat?)A squeaking engine he apply'dUnto his neck, on north-east side, Just where the hangman does dispose, 115To special friends, the knot of noose:For 'tis great grace, when statesmen straightDispatch a friend, let others wait. His warped ear hung o'er the strings, Which was but souse to chitterlings: 120For guts, some write, e'er they are sodden, Are fit for music, or for pudden;From whence men borrow ev'ry kindOf minstrelsy by string or wind. His grisly beard was long and thick, 125With which he strung his fiddle-stick;For he to horse-tail scorn'd to owe, For what on his own chin did grow. Chiron, the four-legg'd bard, had bothA beard and tail of his own growth; 130And yet by authors 'tis averr'd, He made use only of his beard. In Staffordshire, where virtuous worthDoes raise the minstrelsy, not birth;Where bulls do chuse the boldest king, 135And ruler, o'er the men of string;(As once in Persia, 'tis said, Kings were proclaim'd by a horse that neigh'd;)He bravely venturing at a crown, By chance of war was beaten down, 140And wounded sore. His leg then broke, Had got a deputy of oak:For when a shin in fight is cropp'd, The knee with one of timber's propp'd, Esteem'd more honourable than the other, 145And takes place, though the younger brother. 

Next march'd brave ORSIN, famous forWise conduct, and success in war:A skilful leader, stout, severe, Now marshal to the champion bear. 150With truncheon, tipp'd with iron head, The warrior to the lists he led;With solemn march and stately pace, But far more grave and solemn face;Grave as the Emperor of Pegu 155Or Spanish potentate Don Diego. This leader was of knowledge great, Either for charge or for retreat. He knew when to fall on pell-mell;To fall back and retreat as well. 160So lawyers, lest the bear defendant, And plaintiff dog, should make an end on't, Do stave and tail with writs of error, Reverse of judgment, and demurrer, To let them breathe a while, and then 165Cry whoop, and set them on agen. As ROMULUS a wolf did rear, So he was dry-nurs'd by a bear, That fed him with the purchas'd preyOf many a fierce and bloody fray; 170Bred up, where discipline most rare is, In military Garden Paris. For soldiers heretofore did growIn gardens, just as weeds do now, Until some splay-foot politicians 175T'APOLLO offer'd up petitionsFor licensing a new inventionThey'd found out of an antique engine, To root out all the weeds that growIn public gardens at a blow, 180And leave th' herbs standing. Quoth Sir Sun, My friends, that is not to be done. Not done! quoth Statesmen; yes, an't please ye, When it's once known, you'll say 'tis easy. Why then let's know it, quoth Apollo. 185We'll beat a drum, and they'll all follow. A drum! (quoth PHOEBUS;) troth, that's true;A pretty invention, quaint and new. But though of voice and instrumentWe are the undoubted president, 190We such loud music don't profess:The Devil's master of that office, Where it must pass, if't be a drum;He'll sign it with Cler. Parl. Dom. Com. To him apply yourselves, and he 195Will soon dispatch you for his fee. They did so; but it prov'd so ill, Th' had better let 'em grow there still. But to resume what we discoursingWere on before, that is, stout ORSIN: 200That which so oft, by sundry writers, Has been applied t' almost all fighters, More justly may b' ascrib'd to thisThan any other warrior, (viz. )None ever acted both parts bolder, 205Both of a chieftain and a soldier. He was of great descent and highFor splendour and antiquity;And from celestial origineDeriv'd himself in a right line. 210Not as the ancient heroes did, Who, that their base-births might be hid, (Knowing they were of doubtful gender, And that they came in at a windore)Made Jupiter himself and others 215O' th' gods, gallants to their own mothers, To get on them a race of champions, (Of which old Homer first made Lampoons. )ARCTOPHYLAX, in northern spheresWas his undoubted ancestor: 220From him his great forefathers came, And in all ages bore his name. Learned he was in med'c'nal lore;For by his side a pouch he wore, Replete with strange Hermetic powder, 225That wounds nine miles point-blank wou'd solder;By skilful chemist, with great cost, Extracted from a rotten post;But of a heav'nlier influenceThan that which mountebanks dispense; 230Tho' by Promethean fire made, As they do quack that drive that trade. For as when slovens do amissAt others doors, by stool or piss, The learned write, a red-hot spit 235B'ing prudently apply'd to it, Will convey mischief from the dungUnto the part that did the wrong, So this did healing; and as sureAs that did mischief this would cure. 240

Thus virtuous ORSIN was endu'dWith learning, conduct, fortitude, Incomparable: and as the princeOf poets, HOMER sung long sinceA skilful leech is better far 245Than half an hundred men of war, So he appear'd; and by his skill, No less than dint of sword, cou'd kill

The gallant BRUIN march'd next him, With visage formidably grim, 250And rugged as a Saracen, Or Turk of Mahomet's own kin;Clad in a mantle della guerreOf rough impenetrable fur;And in his nose, like Indian King, 255He wore, for ornament, a ring;About his neck a threefold gorget. As rough as trebled leathern target;Armed, as heralds cant, and langued;Or, as the vulgar say, sharp-fanged. 260For as the teeth in beasts of preyAre swords, with which they fight in fray;So swords, in men of war, are teeth, Which they do eat their vittle with. He was by birth, some authors write, 265A Russian; some, a Muscovite;And 'mong the Cossacks had been bred; Of whom we in diurnals read, That serve to fill up pages here, As with their bodies ditches there. 270SCRIMANSKY was his cousin-german, With whom he serv'd, and fed on vermin;And when these fail'd, he'd suck his claws, And quarter himself upon his paws. And tho' his countrymen, the Huns, 275Did stew their meat between their bumsAnd th' horses backs o'er which they straddle, And ev'ry man eat up his saddle;He was not half so nice as they, But eat it raw when 't came in's way. 280He had trac'd countries far and near, More than LE BLANC, the traveller;Who writes, he spous'd in India, Of noble house, a lady gay, And got on her a race of worthies, 285As stout as any upon earth is. Full many a fight for him betweenTALGOL and ORSIN oft had beenEach striving to deserve the crownOf a sav'd citizen; the one 290To guard his bear; the other foughtTo aid his dog; both made more stoutBy sev'ral spurs of neighbourhood, Church-fellow-membership, and bloodBut TALGOL, mortal foe to cows, 295Never got aught of him but blows;Blows, hard and heavy, such as heHad lent, repaid with usury. 

Yet TALGOL was of courage stout, And vanquish'd oft'ner than he fought: 300Inur'd to labour, sweat and toil, And like a champion shone with oil. Right many a widow his keen blade, . And many fatherless had made. He many a boar and huge dun-cow 305Did, like another Guy, o'erthrow;But Guy with him in fight compar'd, Had like the boar or dun-cow far'dWith greater troops of sheep h' had foughtThan AJAX or bold DON QUIXOTE: 310And many a serpent of fell kind, With wings before and stings behind, Subdu'd: as poets say, long agoneBold Sir GEORGE, St. GEORGE did the dragon. Nor engine, nor device polemic, 31 5Disease, nor doctor epidemic, Tho' stor'd with deletory med'cines, (Which whosoever took is dead since, )E'er sent so vast a colonyTo both the underworlds as he: 320For he was of that noble tradeThat demi-gods and heroes made, Slaughter and knocking on the head;. The trade to which they all were bred;And is, like others, glorious when 325'Tis great and large, but base if mean. The former rides in triumph for it;The latter in a two-wheel'd chariotFor daring to profane a thingSo sacred with vile bungling. 330

Next these the brave MAGNANO came;MAGNANO, great in martial fame. Yet when with ORSIN he wag'd fight, 'Tis sung, he got but little by't. Yet he was fierce as forest boar, 335Whose spoils upon his back he wore, As thick as AJAX' seven-fold shield, Which o'er his brazen arms he held:But brass was feeble to resistThe fury of his armed fist: 340Nor cou'd the hardest ir'n hold outAgainst his blows, but they wou'd through't. 

In MAGIC he was deeply readAs he that made the brazen head;Profoundly skill'd in the black art; 345As ENGLISH MERLIN for his heart;But far more skilful in the spheresThan he was at the sieve and shears. He cou'd transform himself in colourAs like the devil as a collier; 350As like as hypocrites in showAre to true saints, or crow to crow. 

Of WARLIKE ENGINES he was author, Devis'd for quick dispatch of slaughter:The cannon, blunderbuss, and saker, 355He was th' inventor of, and maker:The trumpet, and the kettle-drum, Did both from his invention come. He was the first that e'er did teachTo make, and how to stop, a breach. 360A lance he bore with iron pike;Th' one half wou'd thrust, the other strike;And when their forces he had join'd, He scorn'd to turn his parts behind. 

He TRULLA lov'd; TRULLA, more bright 365Than burnish'd armour of her Knight:A bold virago, stout and tall, As JOAN of FRANCE, or English MALL. Thro' perils both of wind and limb, Thro' thick and thin, she follow'd him, 370In ev'ry adventure h' undertook, And never him or it forsook. At breach of wall, or hedge surprize, She shar'd i' th' hazard and the prize:At beating quarters up, or forage, 375Behav'd herself with matchless courage;And laid about in fight more busilyThan the Amazonian dame Penthesile. 

And though some criticks here cry shame, And say our authors are to blame, 380That (spite of all philosophers, Who hold no females stout, but bears;And heretofore did so abhorThat women should pretend to war, 'They wou'd not suffer the stoutest dame 385To swear by HERCULES'S name)Make feeble ladies, in their works, To fight like termagants and Turks;To lay their native arms aside, Their modesty, and ride astride; 390 To run a-tilt at men, and wield Their naked tools in open field; As stout ARMIDA, bold TRALESTRIS, And she that wou'd have been the mistress Of GUNDIBERT; but he had grace, 395And rather took a country lass;They say, 'tis false, without all sense, But of pernicious consequenceTo government, which they supposeCan never be upheld in prose; 400Strip nature naked to the skin, You'll find about her no such thing. It may be so; yet what we tellOf TRULLA that's improbable, Shall be depos'd by those who've seen't, 405Or, what's as good, produc'd in print:And if they will not take our word, We'll prove it true upon record. 

The upright CERDON next advanc't, Of all his race the valiant'st: 410CERDON the Great, renown'd in song, Like HERC'LES, for repair of wrong:He rais'd the low, and fortify'dThe weak against the strongest side:Ill has he read, that never hit 415On him in Muses' deathless writ. He had a weapon keen and fierce, That through a bull-hide shield wou'd pierce, And cut it in a thousand pieces, 420Tho' tougher than the Knight of Greece his, With whom his black-thumb'd ancestorWas comrade in the ten years war:For when the restless Greeks sat downSo many years before Troy town, 425And were renown'd, as HOMER writes, For well-soal'd boots no less than fights, They ow'd that glory only toHis ancestor, that made them so. Fast friend he was to REFORMATION, 430Until 'twas worn quite out of fashion. Next rectifier of wry LAW, And wou'd make three to cure one flaw. Learned he was, and could take note, Transcribe, collect, translate, and quote. 435But PREACHING was his chiefest talent, Or argument, in which b'ing valiant, He us'd to lay about and stickle, Like ram or bull, at conventicle:For disputants, like rams and bulls, 440Do fight with arms that spring from skulls. 

Last COLON came, bold man of war, Destin'd to blows by fatal star;Right expert in command of horse;But cruel, and without remorse. 445That which of CENTAUR long agoWas said, and has been wrested toSome other knights, was true of this;He and his horse were of a piece. One spirit did inform them both; 450The self-same vigour, fury, wroth:Yet he was much the rougher part, And always had a harder heart;Although his horse had been of thoseThat fed on man's flesh, as fame goes. 455Strange food for horse! and yet, alas!It may be true, for flesh is grass. Sturdy he was, and no less ableThan HERCULES to clean a stable;As great a drover, and as great 460A critic too, in hog or neat. He ripp'd the womb up of his mother, Dame Tellus, 'cause she wanted fotherAnd provender wherewith to feedHimself, and his less cruel steed. 465It was a question, whether heOr's horse were of a familyMore worshipful: 'till antiquaries(After th' had almost por'd out their eyes)Did very learnedly decide 470The business on the horse's side;And prov'd not only horse, but cows, Nay, pigs, were of the elder house:For beasts, when man was but a pieceOf earth himself, did th' earth possess. 475

These worthies were the chief that ledThe combatants, each in the headOf his command, with arms and rage, Ready and longing to engage. The numerous rabble was drawn out 480Of sev'ral counties round about, From villages remote, and shires, Of east and western hemispheresFrom foreign parishes and regions, Of different manners, speech, religions, 485Came men and mastiffs; some to fightFor fame and honour, some for sight. And now the field of death, the lists, Were enter'd by antagonists, And blood was ready to be broach'd, 490When HUDIBRAS in haste approach'd, With Squire and weapons, to attack 'em:But first thus from his horse bespake 'em:What rage, O citizens! what furyDoth you to these dire actions hurry? 495What oestrum, what phrenetic mood, Makes you thus lavish of your blood, While the proud Vies your trophies boastAnd unreveng'd walks -- ghost?What towns, what garrisons might you 500With hazard of this blood subdue, Which now y'are bent to throw awayIn vain, untriumphable fray!Shall SAINTS in civil bloodshed wallowOf Saints, and let the CAUSE lie fallow? 505The Cause for which we fought and sworeSo boldly, shall we now give o'er?Then, because quarrels still are seenWith oaths and swearings to begin, The SOLEMN LEAGUE and COVENANT 510Will seem a mere God-dam-me rant;And we, that took it, and have fought, As lewd as drunkards that fall out. For as we make war for the KingAgainst himself the self-same thing, 515Some will not stick to swear we doFor God and for Religion too:For if bear-baiting we allow, What good can Reformation do?The blood and treasure that's laid out, 520Is thrown away, and goes for nought. Are these the fruits o' th' PROTESTATION, The Prototype of Reformation, Which all the Saints, and some, since Martyrs, Wore in their hats like wedding garters, 525When 'twas resolv'd by either houseSix Members quarrel to espouse?Did they for this draw down the rabble, With zeal and noises formidable, And make all cries about the town 530Join throats to cry the Bishops down?Who having round begirt the palace, (As once a month they do the gallows, )As members gave the sign about, Set up their throats with hideous shout. 535When tinkers bawl'd aloud to settleChurch discipline, for patching kettle:No sow-gelder did blow his hornTo geld a cat, but cry'd, Reform. The oyster-women lock'd their fish up, 540And trudg'd away, to cry, No Bishop. The mouse-trap men laid save-alls by, And 'gainst Ev'l Counsellors did cry. Botchers left old cloaths in the lurch, And fell to turn and patch the Church. 545Some cry'd the Covenant insteadOf pudding-pies and ginger-bread;And some for brooms, old boots and shoes, Bawl'd out to Purge the Commons House. Instead of kitchen-stuff, some cry, 550A Gospel-preaching Ministry;And some, for old suits, coats, or cloak, No Surplices nor Service-Book. A strange harmonious inclinationOf all degrees to Reformation. 555And is this all? Is this the endTo which these carr'ings on did tend?Hath public faith, like a young heir, For this ta'en up all sorts of ware, And run int' every tradesman's book, 560'Till both turn'd bankrupts, and are broke?Did Saints for this bring in their plate, And crowd as if they came too late?For when they thought the Cause had need on't, Happy was he that could be rid on't. 565Did they coin piss-pots, bowls, and flaggons, Int' officers of horse and dragoons;And into pikes and musquetteersStamp beakers, cups, and porringers!A thimble, bodkin, and a spoon, 570Did start up living men as soonAs in the furnace they were thrown, Just like the dragon's teeth b'ing sown. Then was the Cause of gold and plate, The Brethren's off'rings, consecrate, 575Like th' Hebrew calf, and down before itThe Saints fell prostrate, to adore itSo say the wicked -- and will youMake that sarcasmus scandal true, By running after dogs and bears? 580Beasts more unclean than calves or steers. Have pow'rful Preachers ply'd their tongues, And laid themselves out and their lungs;Us'd all means, both direct and sinister, I' th' pow'r of Gospel-preaching Minister? 585Have they invented tones to winThe women, and make them draw inThe men, as Indians with a femaleTame elephant inveigle the male?Have they told Prov'dence what it must do, 590Whom to avoid, and whom to trust to?Discover'd th' enemy's design, And which way best to countermine?Prescrib'd what ways it hath to work, Or it will ne'er advance the Kirk? 595Told it the news o' th' last express, And after good or bad success, Made prayers, not so like petitions, As overtures and propositions, (Such as the army did present 600To their creator, th' Parliament, )In which they freely will confessThey will not, cannot acquiesce, Unless the work be carry'd onIn the same way they have begun, 605By setting Church and Common-wealAll on a flame, bright as their zeal, On which the Saints were all a-gog, And all this for a bear and dog?The parliament drew up petitions 610To itself, and sent them, like commissions, To well-affected persons down, In ev'ry city and great town, With pow'r to levy horse and men, Only to bring them back agen: 615For this did many, many a mile, Ride manfully in rank and file, With papers in their hats, that show'dAs if they to the pillory rode. Have all these courses, these efforts, 620Been try'd by people of all sorts, Velis & remis, omnibus nervisAnd all t'advance the Cause's service?And shall all now be thrown, awayIn petulant intestine fray? 625Shall we that in the Cov'nant swore, Each man of us to run beforeAnother, still in Reformation, Give dogs and bears a dispensation?How will Dissenting Brethren relish it? 630What will malignants say? videlicet, That each man Swore to do his best, To damn and perjure all the rest!And bid the Devil take the hin'most, Which at this race is like to win most. 635They'll say our bus'ness, to reformThe Church and State, is but a worm;For to subscribe, unsight, unseen, To an unknown Church-discipline, What is it else, but before-hand 640T'engage, and after understand?For when we swore to carry onThe present Reformation, According to the purest modeOf Churches best reformed abroad, 645What did we else, but make a vowTo do we know not what, nor how?For no three of us will agree, Where or what Churches these should be;And is indeed the self-same case 650With theirs that swore et caeteras;Or the French League, in which men vow'dTo fight to the last drop of blood. These slanders will be thrown uponThe Cause and Work we carry on, 655If we permit men to run headlongT' exorbitances fit for BedlamRather than Gospel-walking times, When slightest sins are greatest crimes. But we the matter so shall handle, 660As to remove that odious scandal. In name of King and parliament, I charge ye all; no more fomentThis feud, but keep the peace betweenYour brethren and your countrymen; 665And to those places straight repairWhere your respective dwellings are. But to that purpose first surrenderThe FIDDLER, as the prime offender, Th' incendiary vile, that is chief 670Author and engineer of mischief;That makes division between friends, For profane and malignant ends. He, and that engine of vile noise, On which illegally he plays, 675Shall (dictum factum) both be broughtTo condign punishment, as they ought. This must be done; and I would fain seeMortal so sturdy as to gain-say:For then I'll take another course, 680And soon reduce you all by force. This said, he clapp'd his hand on sword, To shew he meant to keep his word. 

But TALGOL, who had long supprestInflamed wrath in glowing, breast, 685Which now began to rage and burn asImplacably as flame in furnace, Thus answer'd him: -- Thou vermin wretchedAs e'er in measled pork was hatched;Thou tail of worship, that dost grow 690On rump of justice as of cow;How dar'st thou, with that sullen luggageO' th' self, old ir'n, and other baggage, With which thy steed of bones and leatherHas broke his wind in halting hither; 695How durst th', I say, adventure thusT' oppose thy lumber against us?Could thine impertinence find outTo work t' employ itself about, Where thou, secure from wooden blow, 700Thy busy vanity might'st show?Was no dispute a-foot betweenThe caterwauling Brethren?No subtle question rais'd among 705Those out-o-their wits, and those i' th' wrong;No prize between those combatantsO' th' times, the Land and Water Saints;Where thou might'st stickle without hazardOf outrage to thy hide and mazzard;And not for want of bus'ness come 710To us to be so troublesome, To interrupt our better sortOf disputants, and spoil our sport?Was there no felony, no bawd, Cut-purse, no burglary abroad; 715No stolen pig, nor plunder'd goose, To tie thee up from breaking loose?No ale unlicens'd, broken hedge, For which thou statute might'st alledge, To keep thee busy from foul evil, 720And shame due to thee from the Devil?Did no committee sit, where heMight cut out journey-work for thee?And set th' a task, with subornation, To stitch up sale and sequestration; 725To cheat, with holiness and zeal, All parties, and the common-weal?Much better had it been for thee, H' had kept thee where th' art us'd to be;Or sent th' on bus'ness any whither, 730So he had never brought thee hither. But if th' hast brain enough in skullTo keep itself in lodging whole, And not provoke the rage of stonesAnd cudgels to thy hide and bones 735Tremble, and vanish, while thou may'st, Which I'll not promise if thou stay'st. At this the Knight grew high in wroth, And lifting hands and eyes up both, Three times he smote on stomach stout, 740From whence at length these words broke out:

Was I for this entitled SIR, And girt with trusty sword and spur, For fame and honor to wage battle, Thus to be brav'd by foe to cattle? 745Not all that pride that makes thee swellAs big as thou dost blown-up veal;Nor all thy tricks and sleights to cheat, And sell thy carrion for good meat;Not all thy magic to repair 750Decay'd old age in tough lean ware;Make nat'ral appear thy work, And stop the gangrene in stale pork;Not all that force that makes thee proud, Because by bullock ne'er withstood; 755Though arm'd with all thy cleavers, knives, And axes made to hew down lives, Shall save or help thee to evadeThe hand of Justice, or this blade, Which I, her sword-bearer, do carry, 760For civil deed and military. Nor shall those words of venom base, Which thou hast from their native place, Thy stomach, pump'd to fling on me, Go unreveng'd, though I am free: 765Thou down the same throat shalt devour 'em, Like tainted beef, and pay dear for 'em. Nor shall it e'er be said, that wightWith gantlet blue, and bases white, And round blunt truncheon by his side, 770So great a man at arms defy'dWith words far bitterer than wormwood, That would in Job or Grizel stir mood. Dogs with their tongues their wounds do heal;But men with hands, as thou shalt feel. 775

This said, with hasty rage he snatch'dHis gun-shot, that in holsters watch'd;And bending cock, he levell'd fullAgainst th' outside of TALGOL'S skull;Vowing that he shou'd ne'er stir further, 780Nor henceforth cow nor bullock murther. But PALLAS came in shape of rust, And 'twixt the spring and hammerthrustHer Gorgon shield, which made the cockStand stiff, as t'were transform'd to stock. 785Mean while fierce TALGOL, gath'ring might, With rugged truncheon charg'd the Knight;But he with petronel upheav'd, Instead of shield, the blow receiv'd. The gun recoil'd, as well it might, 790Not us'd to such a kind of fight, And shrunk from its great master's gripe, Knock'd down and stunn'd by mortal stripe. Then HUDIBRAS, with furious haste, Drew out his sword; yet not so fast, 795But TALGOL first, with hardy thwack, Twice bruis'd his head, and twice his back. But when his nut-brown sword was out, With stomach huge he laid about, Imprinting many a wound upon 800His mortal foe, the truncheon. The trusty cudgel did opposeItself against dead-doing blows, To guard its leader from fell bane, And then reveng'd itself again. 805And though the sword (some understood)In force had much the odds of wood, 'Twas nothing so; both sides were ballanc'tSo equal, none knew which was valiant'st:For wood with Honour b'ing engag'd, 810Is so implacably enrag'd, Though iron hew and mangle sore, Wood wounds and bruises Honour more. And now both Knights were out of breath, Tir'd in the hot pursuit of death; 815While all the rest amaz'd stood still, Expecting which should take or kill. This HUDIBRAS observ'd; and frettingConquest should be so long a getting, He drew up all his force into 820One body, and that into one blow. But TALGOL wisely avoided itBy cunning sleight; for had it hit, The upper part of him the blowHad slit as sure as that below. 825

Meanwhile th' incomparable COLON, To aid his friend, began to fall on. Him RALPH encounter'd, and straight grewA dismal combat 'twixt them two:Th' one arm'd with metal, th' other with wood; 830This fit for bruise, and that for blood. With many a stiff thwack, many a bang, Hard crab-tree and old iron rang;While none that saw them cou'd divineTo which side conquest would incline, 835Until MAGNANO, who did envyThat two should with so many men vie, By subtle stratagem of brain, Perform'd what force could ne'er attain;For he, by foul hap, having found 840Where thistles grew on barren ground, In haste he drew his weapon out, And having cropp'd them from the root, He clapp'd them underneath the tailOf steed, with pricks as sharp as nail. 845The angry beast did straight resentThe wrong done to his fundament;Began to kick, and fling, and wince, As if h' had been beside his sense, Striving to disengage from thistle, 850That gall'd him sorely under his tail:Instead of which, he threw the packOf Squire and baggage from his back;And blund'ring still with smarting rump, He gave the Knight's steed such a thump 855As made him reel. The Knight did stoop, And sat on further side aslope. This TALGOL viewing, who had nowBy sleight escap'd the fatal blow, He rally'd, and again fell to't; 860For catching foe by nearer foot, He lifted with such might and strength, As would have hurl'd him thrice his length, And dash'd his brains (if any) out:But MARS, that still protects the stout, 865In pudding-time came to his aid, And under him the Bear convey'd;The Bear, upon whose soft fur-gownThe Knight with all his weight fell down. The friendly rug preserv'd the ground, 870And headlong Knight, from bruise or wound;Like feather-bed betwixt a wallAnd heavy brunt of cannon-ball. As Sancho on a blanket fell, And had no hurt, our's far'd as well 875In body; though his mighty spirit, B'ing heavy, did not so well bear it, The Bear was in a greater fright, Beat down and worsted by the Knight. He roar'd, and rak'd, and flung about, 880To shake off bondage from his snout. His wrath inflam'd, boil'd o'er, and fromHis jaws of death he threw the foam:Fury in stranger postures threw him, And more than herald ever drew him. 885He tore the earth which he had sav'dFrom squelch of Knight, and storm'd and rav'd, And vext the more because the harmsHe felt were 'gainst the law of arms:For men he always took to be 890His friends, and dogs the enemy;Who never so much hurt had done him, As his own side did falling on him. It griev'd him to the guts that theyFor whom h' had fought so many a fray, 895And serv'd with loss of blood so long, Shou'd offer such inhuman wrong;Wrong of unsoldier-like condition;For which he flung down his commission;And laid about him, till his nose 900From thrall of ring and cord broke loose. Soon as he felt himself enlarg'd, Through thickest of his foes he charg'd, And made way through th' amazed crew;Some he o'erran, and some o'erthrew, 905But took none; for by hasty flightHe strove t' escape pursuit of Knight;From whom he fled with as much hasteAnd dread as he the rabble chas'd. In haste he fled, and so did they; 910Each and his fear a several way. 

CROWDERO only kept the field;Not stirring from the place he held;Though beaten down and wounded sore, I' th' fiddle, and a leg that bore 915One side of him; not that of bone, But much it's better, th' wooden one. He spying HUDIBRAS lie strow'dUpon the ground, like log of wood, With fright of fall, supposed wound, 920And loss of urine, in a swound, In haste he snatch'd the wooden limb, That hurt i' the ankle lay by him, And fitting it for sudden fight, Straight drew it up t' attack the Knight; 925For getting up on stump and huckle, He with the foe began to buckle;Vowing to be reveng'd for breachOf crowd and skin upon the wretch, Sole author of all detriment 930He and his fiddle underwent. 

But RALPHO (who had now begunT' adventure resurrectionFrom heavy squelch, and had got upUpon his legs, with sprained crup) 935Looking about, beheld pernicionApproaching Knight from fell musician. He snatch'd his whinyard up, that fledWhen he was falling off his steed, (As rats do from a falling house, ) 940To hide itself from rage of blows;And, wing'd with speed and fury, flewTo rescue Knight from black and blew;Which, e'er he cou'd atchieve, his sconceThe leg encounter'd twice and once; 945And now 'twas rais'd to smite agen, When RALPHO thrust himself between. He took the blow upon his arm, To shield the Knight from further harm;And, joining wrath with force, bestow'd 950On th' wooden member such a load, That down it fell, and with it boreCROWDERO, whom it propp'd before. To him the Squire right nimbly run, And setting conquering foot upon 955His trunk, thus spoke: What desp'rate frenzyMade thee (thou whelp of Sin!) to fancyThyself, and all that coward rabble, T' encounter us in battle able?How durst th', I say, oppose thy curship 960'Gainst arms, authority, and worship?And HUDIBRAS or me provoke, Though all thy limbs, were heart of oke, And th' other half of thee as goodTo bear out blows, as that of wood? 965Cou'd not the whipping-post prevailWith all its rhet'ric, nor the jail, To keep from flaying scourge thy skin, And ankle free from iron gin?Which now thou shalt -- But first our care 970Must see how HUDIBRAS doth fare. This said, he gently rais'd the Knight, And set him on his bum upright. To rouse him from lethargic dump, He tweak'd his nose; with gentle thump 975Knock'd on his breast, as if 't had beenTo raise the spirits lodg'd within. They, waken'd with the noise, did flyFrom inward room to window eye, And gently op'ning lid, the casement, 980Look'd out, but yet with some amazement. This gladded RALPHO much to see, Who thus bespoke the Knight: quoth he, Tweaking his nose, You are, great Sir, A self-denying conqueror; 985As high, victorious, and great, As e'er fought for the Churches yet, If you will give yourself but leaveTo make out what y' already have;That's victory. The foe, for dread 990Of your nine-worthiness, is fled:All, save CROWDERO, for whose sakeYou did th' espous'd Cause undertake;And he lies pris'ner at your feet, To be dispos'd as you think meet; 995Either for life, or death, or sale, The gallows, or perpetual jail;For one wink of your powerful eyeMust sentence him to live or die. His fiddle is your proper purchase, 1000Won in the service of the Churches;And by your doom must be allow'dTo be, or be no more, a crowd. For though success did not conferJust title on the conqueror; 1005Though dispensations were not strongConclusions, whether right or wrong, Although out-goings did confirm, And owning were but a mere term;Yet as the wicked have no right 1010To th' creature, though usurp'd by might, The property is in the Saint, From whom th' injuriously detain 't;Of him they hold their luxuries, Their dogs, their horses, whores, and dice, 1015Their riots, revels, masks, delights, Pimps, buffoons, fiddlers, parasites;All which the Saints have title to, And ought t' enjoy, if th' had their due. What we take from them is no more 1020Than what was our's by right before;For we are their true landlords still, And they our tenants but at will. At this the Knight began to rouze, And by degrees grow valorous. 1025He star'd about, and seeing noneOf all his foes remain, but one, He snatch'd his weapon, that lay near him, And from the ground began to rear him;Vowing to make CROWDERO pay 1030For all the rest that ran away. But RALPHO now, in colder blood, His fury mildly thus withstood:Great Sir, quoth he, your mighty spiritIs rais'd too high: this slave does merit 1035To be the hangman's bus'ness, soonerThan from your hand to have the honourOf his destruction. I, that amA nothingness in deed and nameDid scorn to hurt his forfeit carcase, 1040Or ill intreat his fiddle or case:Will you, great Sir, that glory blotIn cold blood which you gain'd in hot?Will you employ your conqu'ring swordTo break a fiddle and your word? 1045For though I fought, and overcame, And quarter gave, 'twas in your name. For great commanders only ownWhat's prosperous by the soldier done. To save, where you have pow'r to kill, 1050Argues your pow'r above your will;And that your will and pow'r have lessThan both might have of selfishness. This pow'r which, now alive, with dreadHe trembles at, if he were dead, 1055Wou'd no more keep the slave in awe, Than if you were a Knight of straw:For death would then be his conqueror;Not you, and free him from that terror. If danger from his life accrue; 1060Or honour from his death, to you, 'Twere policy, and honour too, To do as you resolv'd to do:But, Sir, 'twou'd wrong your valour much, To say it needs or fears a crutch. 1065Great conquerors greater glory gainBy foes in triumph led, than slain:The laurels that adorn their browsAre pull'd from living not dead boughs, And living foes: the greatest fame 1070Of cripple slain can be but lame. One half of him's already slain, The other is not worth your pain;Th' honour can but on one side light, As worship did, when y' were dubb'd Knight. 1075Wherefore I think it better farTo keep him prisoner of war;And let him fast in bonds abide, At court of Justice to be try'd;Where, if he appear so bold and crafty, 1080There may be danger in his safety. If any member there dislikeHis face, or to his beard have pique;Or if his death will save or yield, Revenge or fright, it is reveal'd. 1085Though he has quarter, ne'er the lessY' have power to hang him when you please. This has been often done by someOf our great conqu'rors, you know whom;And has by most of us been held 1090Wise Justice, and to some reveal'd. For words and promises, that yokeThe conqueror, are quickly broke;Like SAMPSON's cuffs, though by his ownDirection and advice put on. 1095For if we should fight for the CAUSEBy rules of military laws, And only do what they call just, The Cause would quickly fall to dust. This we among ourselves may speak; 1100But to the wicked, or the weak, We must be cautious to declarePerfection-truths, such as these are. 

This said, the high outrageous mettleOf Knight began to cool and settle. 1105He lik'd the Squire's advice, and soonResolv'd to see the business doneAnd therefore charg'd him first to bindCROWDERO'S hands on rump behind, And to its former place and use, 1110The wooden member to reduceBut force it take an oath before, Ne'er to bear arms against him more. 

RALPHO dispatch'd with speedy haste, And having ty'd CROWDERO fast, 1115He gave Sir Knight the end of cord, To lead the captive of his swordIn triumph, whilst the steeds he caught, And them to further service brought. The Squire in state rode on before, 1120And on his nut-brown whinyard boreThe trophee-fiddle and the case, Leaning on shoulder like a mace. The Knight himself did after ride, Leading CROWDERO by his side; 1125And tow'd him, if he lagg'd behind, Like boat against the tide and wind. Thus grave and solemn they march'd on, Until quite thro' the town th' had gone;At further end of which there stands 1130An ancient castle, that commandsTh' adjacent parts: in all the fabrickYou shall not see one stone nor a brick;But all of wood; by pow'rful spellOf magic made impregnable. 1135There's neither iron-bar nor gate, Portcullis, chain, nor bolt, nor grate, And yet men durance there abide, In dungeon scarce three inches wide;With roof so low, that under it 1140They never stand, but lie or sit;And yet so foul, that whoso is in, Is to the middle-leg in prison;In circle magical conflu'd, With walls of subtile air and wind, 1145Which none are able to break thorough, Until they're freed by head of borough. Thither arriv'd, th' advent'rous KnightAnd bold Squire from their steeds alightAt th' outward wall, near which there stands 1150A bastile, built to imprison hands;By strange enchantment made to fetterThe lesser parts and free the greater;For though the body may creep through, The hands in grate are fast enough: 1155And when a circle 'bout the wristIs made by beadle exorcist, The body feels the spur and switch, As if 'twere ridden post by witchAt twenty miles an hour pace, 1160And yet ne'er stirs out of the place. On top of this there is a spire, On which Sir Knight first bids the SquireThe fiddle and its spoils, the case, In manner of a trophee place. 1165That done, they ope the trap-door gate, And let CROWDERO down thereat;CROWDERO making doleful face, Like hermit poor in pensive place. To dungeon they the wretch commit, 1170And the survivor of his feetBut th' other, that had broke the peaceAnd head of Knighthood, they release;Though a delinquent false and forged, Yet be'ing a stranger, he's enlarged; 1175While his comrade, that did no hurt, Is clapp'd up fast in prison for't. So Justice, while she winks at crimes, Stumbles on innocence sometimes. 

NOTES TO PART I. CANTO II. 

47 x That is to say, whether Tollulation, As they do term't, or Succussation. Tollulation and succussation are only Latin words for amblingand trotting; though I believe both were natural amongst the oldRomans; since I never read they made use of the trammel, orany other art, to pace their horses. 

60 y As Indian Britons, &c. ] The American Indians call a greatbird they have, with a white head, a penguin, which signifies thesame thing in the British tongue: from whence (with otherwords of the same kind) some authors have endeavoured toprove, that the Americans are originally derived from theBritons. 

65 z The dire, &c. ] Pharsalia is a city of Thessaly, famous forthe battle won by Julius Caesar against Pompey the Great, inthe neighbouring plains, in the 607th year of Rome, of whichread Lucan's Pharsalia. 

129 a Chiron, the &c. ] Chiron, a Centaur, son to Saturn andPhillyris, living in the mountains, where, being much given tohunting, he became very knowing in the virtues of plants andone of the most famous physicians of his time. He imparted hisskill to AEsculapius and was afterwards Apollo's governor, until being wounded by Hercules, and desiring to die, Jupiterplaced him in heaven, where he forms the sign of Sagittarius orthe Archer. 

133 b In Staffordshire, where virtuous Worth Does raise the Minstrelsy, not Birth, &c. The whole history of this ancient ceremony you may read atlarge in Dr. Plot's History of Staffordshire, under the townTutbury. 

155 c Grave as, &c. ] For the history of Pegu, read Mandelsaand Olearius's Travels. 

172 In military, &c. ] Paris Garden, in Southwark, took its namefrom the possessor. 

231 Though by, &c. ] Promethean fire. Prometheus was the sonof Iapetus, and brother of Atlas, concerning whom the poetshave feigned, that having first formed men of the earth andwater, he stole fire from heaven to put life into them; and thathaving thereby displeased Jupiter, he commanded Vulcan to tiehim to mount Caucasus with iron chains, and that a vultureshould prey upon his liver continually: but the truth of the storyis, that Prometheus was an astrologer, and constant in observingthe stars upon that mountain; and, that, among other things, hefound the art of making fire, either by the means of a flint, or bycontracting the sun-beams in a glass. Bochart will have Magog, in the Scripture, to be the Prometheus of the Pagans. 

He here and before sarcastically derides those who were greatadmirers of the sympathetic powder and weapon salve, whichwere in great repute in those days, and much promoted by thegreat Sir Kenelm Digby, who wrote a treatise ex professo [of hisown knowledge] on that subject, and, I believe, thought what hewrote to be true, which since has been almost exploded out ofthe world. 

267 And 'mong, &c. ] Cossacks are a people that live nearPoland. This name was given them for their extraordinarynimbleness; for cosa, or kosa, in the Polish tongue, signifies agoat. He that would know more of them, may read Le Laboreurand Thuldenus. 

275 And tho', &c. ] This custom of the Huns is described byAmmianus Marcellinus, Hunni semicruda cujusvis Pecoriscarne vescuntur, quasi inter femora sua & equorum tergasubsertam, calefacient brevi. P. 686. [The Huns stoutheartedlyeat half-raw meat, which is warned briefly by being hedlbetween their thighs and their hoeses' backs. ]

283 - -- He spous'd in India, Of noble House, a Lady gay. The Story in Le Blanc, of a bear that married a king's daughter, is no more strange than many others, in most travellers, thatpass with allowance; for if they should write nothing but what ispossible, or probable, they might appear to have lost theirlabour, and observed nothing but what they might have done aswell at home. 

343 In MAGIC he was deeply read, As he that made the Brazen-Head; Profoundly skill'd in the Black Art; As ENGLISH MERLIN for his Heart. Roger Bacon and Merlin. See Collier's Dictionary. 

368 d As JOAN, &c. ] Two notorious women; the last wasknown here by the name of Moll Cutpurse. 

378 e Than the Amazonian, &c. ] Penthesile, Queen of theAmazons, succeeded Orythia. She carried succours to theTrojans, and after having given noble proofs of her bravery, waskilled by Achilles. Pliny saith, it was she that invented thebattle-ax. If any one desire to know more of the Amazons, lethim read Mr. Sanson. 

385 f They wou'd not suffer the stout'st Dame To swear by HERCULES's Name. The old Romans had particular oaths for men and women toswear by, and therefore Macrobius says, Viri per Castorum nonjurabant antiquitus, nec Mulieres per Herculem; AEdepolautem juramentum erat tum mulieribus, quam viris commune, &c. [Men did not swear by Castor in ancient times, nor womenby Hercules; however women swore by AEdepol as much asmen did. ]

393 g As stout, &c. ] Two formidable women at arms, inromances, that were cudgelled into love by their gallants. 

395 h Of GUNDIBERT &c. ] Gundibert is a feigned name, made use of by Sir William d' Avenant in his famous epic poem, so called; wherein you may find also that of his mistress. Thispoem was designed by the author to be an imitation of theEnglish Drama: it being divided into five books, as the other isinto five acts; the Cantos to be parallel of the scenes, with thisdifference, that this is delivered narratively, the otherdialoguewise. It was ushered into the world by a large preface, written by Mr. Hobbes, and by the pens of two of our bestpoets, viz. Mr. Waller and Mr. Cowley, which one would havethought might have proved a sufficient defence and protectionagainst snarling critics. Notwithstanding which, four eminentwits of that age (two of which were Sir John Denham and Mr. Donne) published several copies of verses to Sir William'sdiscredit, under this title, Certain Verses written by several ofthe Author's Friends, to be reprinted with the second Edition ofGundibert in 8vo. Lond. 1653. These verses were as wittilyanswered by the author, under this title, The incomparablePoem of Gundibert vindicated from the Wit Combat of fourEsquires, Clinias, Damoetas, Sancho, and Jack-Pudding;printed in 8vo. Lond. 1665, Vide Langbain's Account ofDramatic Poets. 

496 i What OEstrum, &c. ] OEstrum is not only a Greek wordfor madness, but signifies also a gad-bee or horse-fly, thattorments cattle in the summer, and makes them run about as ifthey were mad. 

525 k Wore in their Hats, &c. ] Some few days after the Kinghad accus'd the five Members of Treason in the House ofCommons, great Crowds of the rabble came down toWestminster-Hall, with printed copies of the Protestation tied intheir hats like favours. 

526 l When 'twas resolv'd by either House Six Members Quarrel to espouse. The six Members were the Lord Kimbolton, Mr. Pym, Mr. Hollis, Mr. Hampden, Sir Arthur Haslerig, and Mr. Stroud, whom the King ordered to be apprehended, and their papersseized; charging them of plotting with the Scots, and favouringthe late tumults; but the House voted against the arrest of theirpersons or papers; whereupon the King having preferred articlesagainst those Members, he went with his guard to the House todemand them; but they, having notice, withdrew. 

578 m Make that, &c. ] Abusive or insulting had been better; butour Knight believed the learned language more convenient tounderstand in than his own Mother-tongue. 

650 n And is indeed the self same Case With theirs that swore t' Et caeteras. The Convocation, in one of the short Parliaments, that usheredin the long one, (as dwarfs are wont to do knights-errant, ) madean oath to be taken by the clergy for observing canonicalobedience; in which they enjoined their brethren, out of theabundance of their consciences, to swear to articles with, &c. 

652 o Or the French League, in which men vow'd To fight to the last Drop of Blood. The Holy League in France, designed and made for theextirpation of the Protestant Religion, was the original out ofwhich the Solemn League and Covenant here was (with thedifference only of circumstances) most faithfully transcribed. Nor did the success of both differ more than the intent andpurpose; for after the destruction of vast numbers of people ofall sorts, both ended with the murder of two Kings, whom theyhad both sworn to defend: And as our Covenanters swore everyman to run one before another in the way of Reformation, so didthe French, in the Holy League, to fight to the last drop ofblood. 

PART I. 

CANTO III. 

THE ARGUMENT. 

-------------------------------------------------The scatter'd rout return and rally, Surround the place; the Knight does sally, And is made pris'ner: Then they seizeTh' inchanted fort by storm; releaseCrowdero, and put the Squire in's place;I should have first said Hudibras. -------------------------------------------------

Ah me! what perils do environThe man that meddles with cold iron!What plaguy mischiefs and mishapsDo dog him still with after-claps!For though dame Fortune seem to smile 5And leer upon him for a while, She'll after shew him, in the nickOf all his glories, a dog-trick. This any man may sing or say, I' th' ditty call'd, What if a Day? 10For HUDIBRAS, who thought h' had wonThe field, as certain as a gun;And having routed the whole troop, With victory was cock a-hoop;Thinking h' had done enough to purchase 15Thanksgiving-day among the Churches, Wherein his mettle, and brave worth, Might be explain'd by Holder-forth, And register'd, by fame eternal, In deathless pages of diurnal; 20Found in few minutes, to his cost, He did but count without his host;And that a turn-stile is more certainThan, in events of war, dame Fortune. 

For now the late faint-hearted rout, 25O'erthrown, and scatter'd round about, Chas'd by the horror of their fearFrom bloody fray of Knight and Bear, (All but the dogs, who, in pursuitOf the Knight's victory, stood to't, 30And most ignobly fought to getThe honour of his blood and sweat, )Seeing the coast was free and clearO' th' conquer'd and the conqueror, Took heart again, and fac'd about, 35As if they meant to stand it out:For by this time the routed Bear, Attack'd by th' enemy i' th' rear, Finding their number grew too greatFor him to make a safe retreat, 40Like a bold chieftain, fac'd about;But wisely doubting to hold out, Gave way to Fortune, and with hasteFac'd the proud foe, and fled, and fac'd;Retiring still, until he found 45H' had got the advantage of the ground;And then as valiantly made headTo check the foe, and forthwith fled;Leaving no art untry'd, nor trickOf warrior stout and politick, 50Until, in spite of hot pursuit, He gain'd a pass to hold disputeOn better terms, and stop the courseOf the proud foe. With all his forceHe bravely charg'd, and for a while 55Forc'd their whole body to recoil;But still their numbers so increas'd, He found himself at length oppress'd, And all evasions, so uncertain, To save himself for better fortune, 60That he resolv'd, rather than yield, To die with honour in the field, And sell his hide and carcase atA price as high and desperateAs e'er he could. This resolution 65He forthwith put in execution, And bravely threw himself amongThe enemy i' th' greatest throng. But what cou'd single valour doAgainst so numerous a foe? 70Yet much he did indeed, too muchTo be believ'd, where th' odds were such. But one against a multitudeIs more than mortal can make good. For while one party he oppos'd, 75His rear was suddenly inclos'd;And no room left him for retreat, Or fight against a foe so great. For now the mastives, charging home, To blows and handy gripes were come: 80While manfully himself he bore, And setting his right-foot before, He rais'd himself, to shew how tallHis person was above them all. This equal shame and envy stirr'd 85In th' enemy, that one should beardSo many warriors, and so stout, As he had done, and stav'd it out, Disdaining to lay down his arms, And yield on honourable terms. 90Enraged thus, some in the rearAttack'd him, and some ev'ry where, Till down he fell; yet falling fought, And, being down, still laid about;As WIDDRINGTON, in doleful dumps, 95Is said to light upon his stumps. 

But all, alas! had been in vain, And he inevitably slain, If TRULLA and CERDON, in the nick, To rescue him had not been quick; 100For TRULLA, who was light of footAs shafts which long-field Parthians shoot, (But not so light as to be borneUpon the ears of standing corn, Or trip it o'er the water quicker 105Than witches, when their staves they liquor, As some report, ) was got amongThe foremost of the martial throng;There pitying the vanquish'd Bear, She call'd to CERDON, who stood near, 110Viewing the bloody fight; to whom, Shall we (quoth she) stand still hum-drum, And see stout Bruin all alone, By numbers basely overthrown?Such feats already h' has atchiev'd, 115In story not to be believ'd;And 'twould to us be shame enough, Not to attempt to fetch him off. I would (quoth he) venture a limbTo second thee, and rescue him: 120But then we must about it straight, Or else our aid will come too late. Quarter he scorns, he is so stout, And therefore cannot long hold out. This said, they wav'd their weapons round 125About their heads, to clear the ground;And joining forces, laid aboutSo fiercely, that th' amazed routTurn'd tale again, and straight begun, As if the Devil drove, to run. 130Meanwhile th' approach'd th' place where BruinWas now engag'd to mortal ruin. The conqu'ring foe they soon assail'd;First TRULLA stav'd, and CERDON tail'd, Until their mastives loos'd their hold: 135And yet, alas! do what they could, The worsted Bear came off with storeOf bloody wounds, but all before:For as ACHILLES, dipt in pond, Was ANABAPTIZ'D free from wound, 140Made proof against dead-doing steelAll over, but the Pagan heel;So did our champion's arms defendAll of him, but the other end, His head and ears, which, in the martial 145Encounter, lost a leathern parcelFor as an Austrian Archduke onceHad one ear (which in ducatoonsIs half the coin) in battle par'dClose to his head, so Bruin far'd; 150But tugg'd and pull'd on th' other side, Like scriv'ner newly crucify'd;Or like the late corrected leathernEars of the Circumcised Brethren. But gentle TRULLA into th' ring 155He wore in's nose convey'd a string, With which she march'd before, and ledThe warrior to a grassy bed, As authors write, in a cool shade, Which eglantine and roses made; 160Close by a softly murm'ring stream, Where lovers us'd to loll and dream. There leaving him to his repose, Secured from pursuit of foes, And wanting nothing but a song, 165And a well-tun'd theorbo hungUpon a bough, to ease the painHis tugg'd ears suffer'd, with a strain, They both drew up, to march in questOf his great leader and the rest. 170

For ORSIN (who was more renown'dFor stout maintaining of his groundIn standing fight, than for pursuit, As being not so quick of foot)Was not long able to keep pace 175With others that pursu'd the chace;But found himself left far behind, Both out of heart and out of wind:Griev'd to behold his Bear pursu'dSo basely by a multitude; 180And like to fall, not by the prowess, But numbers of his coward foes. He rag'd, and kept as heavy a coil asStout HERCULES for loss of HYLAS;Forcing the vallies to repeat 185The accents of his sad regret. He beat his breast, and tore his hair, For loss of his dear Crony Bear;That Eccho, from the hollow ground, His doleful wailings did resound 190More wistfully, by many times, Than in small poets splay-foot rhimesThat make her, in their rueful storiesTo answer to int'rogatories, And most unconscionably depose 195To things of which she nothing knows;And when she has said all she can say, 'Tis wrested to the lover's fancy. Quoth he, O whither, wicked BruinArt thou fled to my -- Eccho, Ruin? 200I thought th' hadst scorn'd to budge a stepFor fear. (Quoth Eccho) Marry guep. Am not I here to take thy part?Then what has quelled thy stubborn heart?Have these bones rattled, and this head 205So often in thy quarrel bled?Nor did I ever winch or grudge it, For thy dear sake. (Quoth she) Mum budgetThink'st thou 'twill not be laid i' th' dishThou turn'dst thy back? Quoth Eccho, Fish. 210To run from those t'hast overcomeThus cowardly? Quoth Eccho, Mum. But what a vengeance makes thee flyFrom me too, as thine enemy?Or if thou hast no thought of me, 215Nor what I have endur'd for thee, Yet shame and honour might prevailTo keep thee thus from turning tail:For who would grudge to spend his blood inHis honour's cause? Quoth she, A puddin. 220This said, his grief to anger turn'd, Which in his manly stomach burn'd;Thirst of revenge, and wrath, in placeOf sorrow, now began to blaze. He vow'd the authors of his woe 225Should equal vengeance undergo;And with their bones and flesh pay dearFor what he suffer'd, and his Bear. This b'ing resolv'd, with equal speedAnd rage he hasted to proceed 230To action straight, and giving o'erTo search for Bruin any more, He went in quest of HUDIBRAS, To find him out where-e'er he was;And, if he were above ground, vow'd 235He'd ferret him, lurk where be wou'd. 

But scarce had he a furlong onThis resolute adventure gone, When he encounter'd with that crewWhom HUDIBRAS did late subdue. 240Honour, revenge, contempt, and shame, Did equally their breasts inflame. 'Mong these the fierce MAGNANO was, And TALGOL, foe to HUDIBRAS;CERDON and COLON, warriors stout, 245As resolute, as ever fought;Whom furious ORSIN thus bespoke:Shall we (quoth be) thus basely brookThe vile affront that paltry ass, And feeble scoundrel, HUDIBRAS, 250With that more paltry ragamuffin, RALPHO, with vapouring and huffing, Have put upon us like tame cattle, As if th' had routed us in battle?For my part, it shall ne'er be said, 255I for the washing gave my bead:Nor did I turn my back for fearO' th' rascals, but loss of my Bear, Which now I'm like to undergo;For whether those fell wounds, or no 260He has receiv'd in fight, are mortal, Is more than all my skill can foretellNor do I know what is becomeOf him, more than the Pope of Rome. But if I can but find them out 265That caus'd it (as I shall, no doubt, Where-e'er th' in hugger-mugger lurk)I'll make them rue their handy-work;And wish that they had rather dar'dTo pull the Devil by the beard. 270

Quoth CERD0N, Noble ORSIN, th' hastGreat reason to do as thou say'st, And so has ev'ry body here, As well as thou hast, or thy Bear. Others may do as they see good; 275But if this twig be made of woodThat will hold tack, I'll make the furFly 'bout the ears of that old cur;And the other mungrel vermin, RALPH, That brav'd us all in his behalf. 280Thy Bear is safe, and out of peril, Though lugg'd indeed, and wounded very ill;Myself and TRULLA made a shiftTo help him out at a dead lift;And, having brought him bravely off, 285Have left him where he's safe enough:There let him rest; for if we stay, The slaves may hap to get away. 

This said, they all engag'd to joinTheir forces in the same design; 290And forthwith put themselves in searchOf HUDIBRAS upon their march. Where leave we awhile, to tellWhat the victorious knight befel. For such, CROWDERO being fast 295In dungeon shut, we left him last. Triumphant laurels seem'd to growNo where so green as on his brow;Laden with which, as well as tir'dWith conquering toil, he now retir'd 300Unto a neighb'ring castle by, To rest his body, and applyFit med'cines to each glorious bruiseHe got in fight, reds, blacks, and blues, To mollify th' uneasy pang 305Of ev'ry honourable bang, Which b'ing by skilful midwife drest, He laid him down to take his rest. But all in vain. H' had got a hurtO' th' inside, of a deadlier sort, 310By CUPID made, who took his standUpon a Widow's jointure land, (For he, in all his am'rous battels, No 'dvantage finds like goods and chattels, )Drew home his bow, and, aiming right, 315Let fly an arrow at the Knight:The shaft against a rib did glance, And gall'd him in the purtenance. But time had somewhat 'swag'd his pain, After he found his suit in vain. 320For that proud dame, for whom his soulWas burnt in's belly like a coal, (That belly which so oft did akeAnd suffer griping for her sake, Till purging comfits and ants-eggs 325Had almost brought him off his legs, )Us'd him so like a base rascallion, That old Pyg -- (what d'y' call him) malion, That cut his mistress out of stone, Had not so hard a-hearted one. 330She had a thousand jadish tricks, Worse than a mule that flings and kicks;'Mong which one cross-grain'd freak she had, As insolent as strange and mad;She could love none, but only such 335As scorn'd and hated her as much. 'Twas a strange riddle of a lady:Not love, if any lov'd her! Hey dey!So cowards never use their might, But against such as will not fight; 340So some diseases have been foundOnly to seize upon the sound. He that gets her by heart, must say herThe back way, like a witch's prayer. Mean while the Knight had no small task 345To compass what he durst not ask. He loves, but dares not make the motion;Her ignorance is his devotion:Like caitiff vile, that, for misdeed, Rides with his face to rump of steed, 350Or rowing scull, he's fain to love, Look one way, and another move;Or like a tumbler, that does playHis game, and look another way, Until he seize upon the cony; 355Just so he does by matrimony:But all in vain; her subtle snoutDid quickly wind his meaning out;Which she return'd with too much scornTo be by man of honour borne: 360Yet much he bore, until the distressHe suffer'd from his spightful mistressDid stir his stomach; and the painHe had endur'd from her disdain, Turn'd to regret so resolute, 365That he resolv'd to wave his suit, And either to renounce her quite, Or for a while play least in sight. This resolution b'ing put on, He kept some months, and more had done; 370But being brought so nigh by Fate, The victory he atchiev'd so lateDid set his thoughts agog, and opeA door to discontinu'd hope, That seem'd to promise he might win 375His dame too, now his hand was in;And that his valour, and the honourH' had newly gain'd, might work upon her. These reasons made his mouth to waterWith am'rous longings to be at her. 380

Quoth he, unto himself, Who knows, But this brave conquest o'er my foesMay reach her heart, and make that stoop, As I but now have forc'd the troop?If nothing can oppugn love, 385And virtue invious ways can prove, What may he not confide to doThat brings both love and virtue too?But thou bring'st valour too and wit;Two things that seldom fail to hit. 390Valour's a mouse-trap, wit a gin, Which women oft are taken in. Then, HUDIBRAS, why should'st thou fearTo be, that art a conqueror?Fortune th' audacious doth juvare, 395But lets the timidous miscarry. Then while the honour thou hast gotIs spick and span new, piping hot, Strike her up bravely, thou hadst best, And trust thy fortune with the rest. 400Such thoughts as these the Knight did keep, More than his bangs or fleas, from sleep. And as an owl, that in a barnSees a mouse creeping in the corn, Sits still, and shuts his round blue eyes, 405As if he slept, until he spiesThe little beast within his reach, Then starts, and seizes on the wretch;So from his couch the Knight did startTo seize upon the widow's heart; 410Crying with hasty tone, and hoarse, RALPHO, dispatch; To Horse, To Horse. And 'twas but time; for now the rout, We left engag'd to seek him out, By speedy marches, were advanc'd 415Up to the fort, where he ensconc'd;And all th' avenues had possestAbout the place, from east to west. 

That done, a while they made a halt, To view the ground, and where t' assault: 420Then call'd a council, which was best, By siege or onslaught, to investThe enemy; and 'twas agreed, By storm and onslaught to proceed. This b'ing resolv'd, in comely sort 425They now drew up t' attack the fort;When HUDIBRAS, about to enterUpon another-gates adventure, To RALPHO call'd aloud to arm, Not dreaming of approaching storm. 430Whether Dame Fortune, or the careOf Angel bad or tutelar, Did arm, or thrust him on a dangerTo which he was an utter stranger;That foresight might, or might not, blot 435The glory he had newly got;For to his shame it might be said, They took him napping in his bed;To them we leave it to expound, That deal in sciences profound. 440

His courser scarce he had bestrid, And RALPHO that on which he rid, When setting ope the postern gate, Which they thought best to sally at, The foe appear'd, drawn up and drill'd, 445Ready to charge them in the field. This somewhat startled the bold Knight, Surpriz'd with th' unexpected sight. The bruises of his bones and fleshThe thought began to smart afresh; 450Till recollecting wonted courage, His fear was soon converted to rage, And thus he spoke: The coward foe, Whom we but now gave quarter to, Look, yonder's rally'd, and appears 455As if they had out-run their fears. The glory we did lately get, The Fates command us to repeat;And to their wills we must succumb, Quocunque trahunt, 'tis our doom. 460This is the same numeric crewWhich we so lately did subdue;The self-same individuals thatDid run as mice do from a cat, When we courageously did wield 465Our martial weapons in the fieldTo tug for victory; and whenWe shall our shining blades agenBrandish in terror o'er our heads, They'll straight resume their wonted dreads. 470Fear is an ague, that forsakesAnd haunts by fits those whom it takes:And they'll opine they feel the painAnd blows they felt to-day again. Then let us boldly charge them home, 475And make no doubt to overcome. 

This said, his courage to inflame, He call'd upon his mistress' name. His pistol next he cock'd a-new, And out his nut-brown whinyard drew; 480And, placing RALPHO in the front, Reserv'd himself to bear the brunt, As expert warriors use: then ply'dWith iron heel his courser's side, Conveying sympathetic speed 485From heel of Knight to heel of Steed. 

Mean while the foe, with equal rageAnd speed, advancing to engage, Both parties now were drawn so close, Almost to come to handy-blows; 490When ORSIN first let fly a stoneAt RALPHO: not so huge a oneAs that which DIOMED did maulAENEAS on the bum withalYet big enough if rightly hurl'd, 495T' have sent him to another world, Whether above-ground, or below, Which Saints Twice Dipt are destin'd to. The danger startled the bold Squire, And made him some few steps retire. 500But HUDIBRAS advanc'd to's aid, And rouz'd his spirits, half dismay'd. He wisely doubting lest the shotOf th' enemy, now growing hot, Might at a distance gall, press'd close, 505To come pell-mell to handy-blows, And, that he might their aim decline, Advanc'd still in an oblique line;But prudently forbore to fire, Till breast to breast he had got nigher, 510As expert warriors use to doWhen hand to hand they charge their foe. This order the advent'rous Knight, Most soldier-like, observ'd in fight, When fortune (as she's wont) turn'd fickle, 515And for the foe began to stickle. The more shame for her Goody-ship, To give so near a friend the slip. For COLON, choosing out a stone, Levell'd so right, it thump'd upon 520His manly paunch with such a force, As almost beat him off his horse. He lost his whinyard, and the rein;But, laying fast hold of the mane, Preserv'd his seat; and as a goose 525In death contracts his talons close, So did the Knight, and with one clawThe trigger of his pistol draw. The gun went off: and as it wasStill fatal to stout HUDIBRAS, 530In all his feats of arms, when leastHe dreamt of it, to prosper best, So now he far'd: the shot, let flyAt random 'mong the enemy, Pierc'd TALGOL's gaberdine, and grazing 535Upon his shoulder, in the passing, Lodg'd in MAGNANO's brass habergeon, Who straight, A Surgeon, cry'd, A Surgeon. He tumbled down, and, as he fell, Did Murther, Murther, Murther, yell. 540This startled their whole body so, That if the Knight had not let goHis arms, but been in warlike plight, H' had won (the second time) the fight;As, if the Squire had but fall'n on, 545He had inevitably done:But he, diverted with the careOr HUDIBRAS his hurt, forbareTo press th' advantage of his fortuneWhile danger did the rest dishearten: 550For he with CERDON b'ing engag'dIn close encounter, they both wag'dThe fight so well, 'twas hard to sayWhich side was like to get the day. And now the busy work of death 555Had tir'd them so, th' agreed to breath, Preparing to renew the fight, When the disaster of the Knight, And th' other party, did divertTheir fell intent, and forc'd them part. 560RALPHO press'd up to HUDIBRAS, And CERDON where MAGNANO was;Each striving to confirm his partyWith stout encouragements, and hearty. 

Quoth RALIHO, Courage, valiant Sir, 565And let revenge and honour stirYour spirits up: once we fall on, The shatter'd foe begins to run:For if but half so well you knewTo use your victory as subdue, 570They durst not, after such a blowAs you have given them, face us now;But from so formidable a soldierHad fled like crows when they smell powder. Thrice have they seen your sword aloft 575Wav'd o'er their heads, and fled as oft. But if you let them recollectTheir spirits, now dismay'd and checkt, You'll have a harder game to playThan yet y' have had to get the day. 580

Thus spoke the stout Squire; but was heardBy HUDIBRAS with small regard. His thoughts were fuller of the bangBe lately took than RALPH'S harangue;To which he answer'd, Cruel Fate 585Tells me thy counsel comes too late. The knotted blood within my hose, That from my wounded body flows, With mortal crisis doth portendMy days to appropinque an end. 590I am for action now unfit, Either of fortitude or wit:Fortune, my foe, begins to frown, Resolv'd to pull my stomach down. I am not apt, upon a wound, 595Or trivial basting, to despond:Yet I'd be loth my days to curtail:For if I thought my wounds not mortal, Or that we'd time enough as yet, To make an hon'rable retreat, 600'Twere the best course: but if they findWe fly, and leave our arms behindFor them to seize on, the dishonour, And danger too, is such, I'll soonerStand to it boldly, and take quarter, 605To let them see I am no starter. In all the trade of war, no featIs nobler than a brave retreat:For those that run away, and fly, Take place at least of th' enemy. 610

This said, the Squire, with active speedDismounted from his bonny steed, To seize the arms, which, by mischance, Fell from the bold Knight in a trance. These being found out, and restor'd 615To HUDIBRAS their natural lord, As a man may say, with might and main, He hasted to get up again. Thrice he assay'd to mount aloft, But, by his weighty bum, as oft 620He was pull'd back, till having foundTh' advantage of the rising ground, Thither he led his warlike steed, And having plac'd him right, with speedPrepar'd again to scale the beast, 625When ORSIN, who had newly drestThe bloody scar upon the shoulderOf TALGOL with Promethean powder, And now was searching for the shotThat laid MAGNANO on the spot, 630Beheld the sturdy Squire aforesaidPreparing to climb up his horse side. He left his cure, and laying holdUpon his arms, with courage bold, Cry'd out, 'Tis now no time to dally, 635The enemy begin to rally:Let us, that are unhurt and whole, Fall on, and happy man be's dole. 

This said, like to a thunderbolt, He flew with fury to th' assault, 640Striving the enemy to attackBefore he reach'd his horse's back. RALPHO was mounted now, and gottenO'erthwart his beast with active vau'ting, Wrigling his body to recover 645His seat, and cast his right leg over, When ORSIN, rushing in, bestow'dOn horse and man so heavy a load, The beast was startled, and begunTo kick and fling like mad, and run, 650Bearing the tough Squire like a sack, Or stout king RICHARD, on his back, 'Till stumbling, he threw him down, Sore bruis'd, and cast into a swoon. Meanwhile the Knight began to rouze 655The sparkles of his wonted prowess. He thrust his hand into his hose, And found, both by his eyes and nose, 'Twas only choler, and not blood, That from his wounded body flow'd. 660This, with the hazard of the Squire, Inflam'd him with despightful ire. Courageously he fac'd about. And drew his other pistol out, And now had half way bent the cock, 665When CERDON gave so fierce a shock, With sturdy truncheon, thwart his arm, That down it fell, and did no harm;Then stoutly pressing on with speed, Assay'd to pull him off his steed. 670The Knight his sword had only left, With which he CERDON'S head had cleft, Or at the least cropt off a limb, But ORSIN came, and rescu'd him. He, with his lance, attack'd the Knight 675Upon his quarters opposite. But as a barque, that in foul weather, Toss'd by two adverse winds together, Is bruis'd, and beaten to and fro, And knows not which to turn him to; 680So far'd the Knight between two foes, And knew not which of them t'oppose;Till ORSIN, charging with his lanceAt HUDIBRAS, by spightful chance, Hit CERDON such a bang, as stunn'd 685And laid him flat upon the ground. At this the Knight began to chear up, And, raising up himself on stirrup, Cry'd out, Victoria! Lie thou there, And I shall straight dispatch another, 690To bear thee company in death:But first I'll halt a while, and breath:As well he might; for ORSIN, griev'dAt th' wound that CERDON had receiv'd, Ran to relieve him with his lore, 695And cure the hurt he gave before. Mean while the Knight had wheel'd about, To breathe himself, and next find outTh' advantage of the ground, where bestHe might the ruffled foe infest. 700This b'ing resolv'd, he spurr'd his steed, To run at ORSIN with full speed, While he was busy in the careOf CERDON'S wound, and unaware:But he was quick, and had already 705Unto the part apply'd remedy:And, seeing th' enemy prepar'd, Drew up, and stood upon his guard. Then, like a warrior right expertAnd skilful in the martial art, 710The subtle Knight straight made a halt, And judg'd it best to stay th' assault, Until he had reliev'd the Squire, And then in order to retire;Or, as occasion should invite, 715With forces join'd renew the fight. RALPHO, by this time disentranc'd, Upon his bum himself advanc'd, Though sorely bruis'd; his limbs all o'erWith ruthless bangs were stiff and sore. 720Right fain he would have got uponHis feet again, to get him gone;When HUDIBRAS to aid him came:

Quoth he (and call'd him by his name, )Courage! the day at length is ours; 725And we once more, as conquerors, Have both the field and honour won:The foe is profligate, and run. I mean all such as can; for someThis hand hath sent to their long home; 730And some lie sprawling on the ground, With many a gash and bloody wound. CAESAR himself could never sayHe got two victories in a day, As I have done, that can say, Twice I 735In one day, Veni, Vidi, Vici. The foe's so numerous, that weCannot so often vincereAs they perire, and yet enowBe left to strike an after-blow; 740Then, lest they rally, and once morePut us to fight the bus'ness o'er, Get up, and mount thy steed: Dispatch, And let us both their motions watch. 

Quoth RALPH, I should not, if I were 745In case for action, now be here:Nor have I turn'd my back, or hang'dAn arse, for fear of being bang'd. It was for you I got these harms, Advent'ring to fetch off your arms. 750The blows and drubs I have receiv'dHave bruis'd my body, and bereav'dMy limbs of strength. Unless you stoop, And reach your hand to pull me up, I shall lie here, and be a prey 755To those who now are run away. 

That thou shalt not, (quoth HUDIBRAS;)We read, the ancients held it wasMore honourable far, servareCivem, than slay an adversary: 760The one we oft to-day have done, The other shall dispatch anon:And though th' art of a diff'rent ChurchI will not leave thee in the lurch. This said, he jogg'd his good steed nigher, 765And steer'd him gently toward the Squire;Then bowing down his body, stretch'dHis hand out, and at RALPHO reach'd;When TRULLA, whom he did not mind, Charg'd him like lightening behind. 770She had been long in search aboutMAGNANO'S wound, to find it out;But could find none, nor where the shot, That had so startled him, was gotBut having found the worst was past, 775She fell to her own work at last, The pillage of the prisoners, Which in all feats of arms was hers;And now to plunder RALPH she flew, When HUDIBRAS his hard fate drew 780To succour him; for, as he bow'dTo help him up, she laid a loadOf blows so heavy, and plac'd so well, On t'other side, that down he fell. Yield, scoundrel base, (quoth she, ) or die: 785Thy life is mine and liberty:But if thou think'st I took thee tardy, And dar'st presume to be so hardy, To try thy fortune o'er a-fresh, I'll wave my title to thy flesh, 790Thy arms and baggage, now my right;And if thou hast the heart to try't, I'll lend thee back thyself a while, And once more, for that carcass vile, Fight upon tick. -- Quoth HUDIBRAS, 795Thou offer'st nobly, valiant lass, And I shall take thee at thy word. First let me rise and take my sword. That sword which has so oft this dayThrough squadrons of my foes made way, 800And some to other worlds dispatch'd, Now with a feeble spinster match'd, Will blush with blood ignoble stain'd, By which no honour's to be gain'd. But if thou'lt take m' advice in this, 805Consider whilst thou may'st, what 'tisTo interrupt a victor's course, B' opposing such a trivial force:For if with conquest I come off, (And that I shall do sure enough, ) 810Quarter thou canst not have, nor grace, By law of arms, in such a case;Both which I now do offer freely. I scorn (quoth she) thou coxcomb silly, (Clapping her hand upon her breech, 815To shew how much she priz'd his speech, )Quarter or counsel from a foeIf thou can'st force me to it, do. But lest it should again be said, When I have once more won thy head, 820I took thee napping, unprepar'd, Arm, and betake thee to thy guard. 

This said, she to her tackle fell, And on the Knight let fall a pealOf blows so fierce, and press'd so home, 825That he retir'd, and follow'd's bum. Stand to't (quoth she) or yield to mercyIt is not fighting arsie-versieShall serve thy turn. -- This stirr'd his spleenMore than the danger he was in, 830The blows he felt, or was to feel, Although th' already made him reel. Honour, despight; revenge and shame, At once into his stomach came, Which fir'd it so, he rais'd his arm 835Above his head, and rain'd a stormOf blows so terrible and thick, As if he meant to hash her quick. But she upon her truncheon took them, And by oblique diversion broke them, 840Waiting an opportunityTo pay all back with usury;Which long she fail'd not of; for nowThe Knight with one dead-doing blowResolving to decide the fight, 845And she, with quick and cunning slight, Avoiding it, the force and weightHe charged upon it was so great, As almost sway'd him to the ground. No sooner she th' advantage found, 850But in she flew; and secondingWith home-made thrust the heavy swing, She laid him flat upon his side;And mounting on his trunk a-stride, Quoth she, I told thee what would come 855Of all thy vapouring, base scum. Say, will the law of arms allowI may have grace and quarter now?Or wilt thou rather break thy word, And stain thine honour than thy sword? 860A man of war to damn his soul, In basely breaking his paroleAnd when, before the fight, th' had'st vow'dTo give no quarter in cold bloodNow thou hast got me for a Tartar, 865To make me 'gainst my will take quarter;Why dost not put me to the sword, But cowardly fly from thy word?

Quoth HUDIBRAS, The day's thine own:Thou and thy Stars have cast me down: 870My laurels are transplanted now, And flourish on thy conqu'ring brow:My loss of honour's great enough, Thou need'st not brand it with a scoff:Sarcasms may eclipse thine own, 875But cannot blur my lost renown. I am not now in Fortune's power;He that is down can fall no lower. The ancient heroes were illustriousFor being benign, and not blustrous, 880Against a vanquish'd foe: their swordsWere sharp and trenchant, not their words;And did in fight but cut work outTo employ their courtesies about. 

Quoth she, Although thou hast deserv'd 885Base slubberdegullion, to be serv'dAs thou did'st vow to deal with me, If thou had'st got the victoryYet I shall rather act a partThat suits my fame than thy desert. 890Thy arms, thy liberty, besideAll that's on th' outside of thy hide, Are mine by military law, Of which I will not hate one straw:The rest, thy life and limbs, once more, 895Though doubly forfeit, I restore, Quoth HUDIBRAS, It is too lateFor me to treat or stipulateWhat thou command'st, I must obey:Yet those whom I expugn'd to-day 900Of thine own party, I let go, And gave them life and freedom too:Both dogs and bear, upon their parole, Whom I took pris'ners in this quarrel. 

Quoth TRULLA, Whether thou or they 905Let one another run away, Concerns not me; but was't not thouThat gave CROWDERO quarter too?CROWDERO, whom, in irons bound, Thou basely threw'st into LOB'S Pound, 910Where still he lies, and with regretHis gen'rous bowels rage and fret. But now thy carcass shall redeem, And serve to be exchang'd for him. 

This said, the Knight did straight submit, 915And laid his weapons at her feet. Next he disrob'd his gaberdine, And with it did himself resign. She took it, and forthwith divestingThe mantle that she wore, said jesting, 920Take that, and wear it for my sakeThen threw it o'er his sturdy back, And as the FRENCH, we conquer'd once, Now give us laws for pantaloons, The length of breeches, and the gathers, 925Port-cannons, perriwigs, and feathers;Just so the proud insulting lassArray'd and dighted HUDIBRAS. 

Mean while the other champions, yerstIn hurry of the fight disperst, 930Arriv'd, when TRULLA won the day, To share in th' honour and the prey, And out of HUDIBRAS his hideWith vengeance to be satisfy'd;Which now they were about to pour 935Upon him in a wooden show'r;But TRULLA thrust herself between, And striding o'er his back agen, She brandish'd o'er her head his sword, And vow'd they should not break her word; 940Sh' had giv'n him quarter, and her bloodOr theirs should make that quarter good;For she was bound by law of armsTo see him safe from further harms. In dungeon deep CROWDERO, cast 945By HUDIBRAS, as yet lay fast;Where, to the hard and ruthless stones, His great heart made perpetual moans:Him she resolv'd that HUDIBRASShould ransom, and supply his place. 950

This stopt their fury, and the bastingWhich toward HUDIBRAS was hasting. They thought it was but just and right, That what she had atchiev'd in fight, She should dispose of how she pleas'd. 955CROWDERO ought to be releas'd;Nor could that any way be doneSo well as this she pitch'd uponFor who a better could imagineThis therefore they resolv'd t'engage in. 960The Knight and Squire first they madeRise from the ground, where they were laidThen mounted both upon their horses, But with their faces to the arses, ORSIN led HUDIBRAS's beast, 965And TALGOL that which RALPHO prest, Whom stout MAGNANO, valiant CERDON, And COLON, waited as a guard on;All ush'ring TRULLA in the rear, With th' arms of either prisoner. 970In this proud order and arrayThey put themselves upon their way, Striving to reach th' enchanted castle, Where stout CROWDERO in durance lay still. Thither with greater speed than shows 975And triumph over conquer'd foesDo use t' allow, or than the bearsOr pageants borne before Lord-MayorsAre wont to use, they soon arriv'dIn order, soldier-like contriv'd; 980Still marching in a warlike posture, As fit for battle as for muster. The Knight and Squire they first unhorse, And bending 'gainst the fort their force, They all advanc'd, and round about 985Begirt the magical redoubt. MAGNAN led up in this adventure, And made way for the rest to enter;For he was skilful in black art. No less than he that built the fort; 990And with an iron mace laid flatA breach, which straight all enter'd at, And in the wooden dungeon foundCROWDERO laid upon the ground. Him they release from durance base, 995Restor'd t' his fiddle and his case, And liberty, his thirsty rageWith luscious vengeance to asswage:For he no sooner was at large, But TRULLA straight brought on the charge, 1000And in the self-same limbo putThe Knight and Squire where he was shut;Where leaving them in Hockley i' th' Hole, Their bangs and durance to condole, Confin'd and conjur'd into narrow 1005Enchanted mansion to know sorrow, In the same order and arrayWhich they advanc'd, they march'd away. But HUDIBRAS who scorn'd to stoopTo Fortune, or be said to droop, 1010Chear'd up himself with ends of verse, And sayings of philosophers. 

Quoth he, Th' one half of man, his mind, Is, sui juris, unconfin'd, And cannot be laid by the heels, 1015Whate'er the other moiety feels. 'Tis not restraint or libertyThat makes men prisoners or free;But perturbations that possessThe mind, or aequanimities. 1020The whole world was not half so wideTo ALEXANDER, when he cry'd, Because he had but one to subdue, As was a paltry narrow tub toDIOGENES; who is not said 1025(For aught that ever I could read)To whine, put finger i' th' eye, and sob, Because h' had ne'er another tub. The ancients make two sev'ral kindsOf prowess in heroic minds; 1030The active, and the passive valiant;Both which are pari libra gallant:For both to give blows, and to carry, In fights are equinecessaryBut in defeats, the passive stout 1035Are always found to stand it outMost desp'rately, and to out-doThe active 'gainst the conqu'ring foe. Tho' we with blacks and blues are suggill'd, Or, as the vulgar say, are cudgell'd; 1040He that is valiant, and dares fight, Though drubb'd, can lose no honour by't. Honour's a lease for lives to come, And cannot be extended fromThe legal tenant: 'tis a chattel 1045Not to be forfeited in battel. If he that in the field is slain, Be in the bed of Honour lain, He that is beaten, may be saidTo lie in Honour's truckle-bed. 1050For as we see th' eclipsed sunBy mortals is more gaz'd upon, Than when, adorn'd with all his light, He shines in serene sky most bright:So valour, in a low estate, 1055Is most admir'd and wonder'd at. 

Quoth RALPH, How great I do not knowWe may by being beaten grow;But none, that see how here we sit, Will judge us overgrown with wit. 1060As gifted brethren, preaching byA carnal hour-glass, do imply, Illumination can conveyInto them what they have to say, But not how much; so well enough 1065Know you to charge, but not draw off:For who, without a cap and bauble, Having subdu'd a bear and rabble, And might with honour have come offWould put it to a second proof? 1070A politic exploit, right fitFor Presbyterian zeal and wit. 

Quoth HUDIBRAS, That cuckow's tone, RALPHO, thou always harp'st upon. When thou at any thing would'st rail, 1075Thou mak'st Presbytery the scaleTo take the height on't, and explainTo what degree it is prophaneWhats'ever will not with (thy what d'ye call)Thy light jump right, thou call'st synodical; 1080As if Presbytery were the standardTo size whats'ever's to he slander'd. Dost not remember how this day, Thou to my beard wast bold to say, That thou coud'st prove bear-baiting equal 1085With synods orthodox and legal?Do if thou canst; for I deny't, And dare thee to 't with all thy light. 

Quoth RALPHO, Truly that is noHard matter for a man to do, 1090That has but any guts in 's brains, And cou'd believe it worth his pains;But since you dare and urge me to it, You'll find I've light enough to do it. 

Synods are mystical bear-gardens, 1095Where elders, deputies, church-wardens, And other members of the court, Manage the Babylonish sport;For prolocutor, scribe, and bear-ward, Do differ only in a mere word; 1100Both are but sev'ral synagoguesOf carnal men, and bears, and dogs:Both antichristian assemblies, To mischief bent far as in them lies:Both stave and tail with fierce contests; 1105The one with men, the other beasts. The diff'rence is, the one fights withThe tongue, the other with the teeth;And that they bait but bears in this, In th' other, souls and consciences; 1110Where Saints themselves are brought to stakeFor gospel-light, and conscience sake;Expos'd to Scribes and Presbyters, Instead of mastive dogs and curs, Than whom th' have less humanity; 1115For these at souls of men will fly. This to the prophet did appear, Who in a vision saw a bear, Prefiguring the beastly rageOf Church-rule in this latter age; 1120As is demonstrated at fullBy him that baited the Pope's Bull. Bears nat'rally are beasts of prey, That live by rapine; so do they. What are their orders, constitutions, 1125Church-censures, curses, absolutions, But' sev'ral mystic chains they make, To tie poor Christians to the stake, And then set heathen officers, Instead of dogs, about their ears? 1130For to prohibit and dispense;To find out or to make offence;Of Hell and Heaven to dispose;To play with souls at fast and loose;To set what characters they please, 1135And mulcts on sin or godliness;Reduce the Church to gospel-order, By rapine, sacrilege, and murder;To make Presbytery supreme, And Kings themselves submit to them; 1140And force all people, though againstTheir consciences, to turn Saints;Must prove a pretty thriving trade, When Saints monopolists are made;When pious frauds, and holy shifts, 1145Are dispensations and gifts, Their godliness becomes mere ware, And ev'ry Synod but a fair. Synods are whelps of th' Inquisition, A mungrel breed of like pernicion, 1150And growing up, became the siresOf scribes, commissioners, and triers;Whose bus'ness is, by cunning slight, To cast a figure for mens' light;To find, in lines of beard and face, 1155The physiognomy of grace;And by the sound and twang of nose, If all be sound within disclose, Free from a crack or flaw of sinning, As men try pipkins by the ringing; 1160By black caps underlaid with white, Give certain guess at inward light. Which serjeants at the gospel wear, To make the spiritual calling clear;The handkerchief about the neck 1165(Canonical cravat of SMECK, From whom the institution came, When Church and State they set on flame, And worn by them as badges thenOf spiritual warfaring men) 1170Judge rightly if regenerationBe of the newest cut in fashion. Sure 'tis an orthodox opinion, That grace is founded in dominion. Great piety consists in pride; 1175To rule is to be sanctified:To domineer, and to controul, Both o'er the body and the soul, Is the most perfect disciplineOf church-rule, and by right-divine. 1180Bell and the Dragon's chaplains wereMore moderate than these by far:For they (poor knaves) were glad to cheat, To get their wives and children meat;But these will not be fobb'd off so; 1185They must have wealth and power too, Or else with blood and desolationThey'll tear it out o' th' heart o' th' nation. Sure these themselves from primitiveAnd Heathen Priesthood do derive, 1190When butchers were the only Clerks, Elders and Presbyters of Kirks;Whose directory was to kill;And some believe it is so still. The only diff'rence is, that then 1195They slaughter'd only beasts, now men. For then to sacrifice a bullock, Or now and then a child to Moloch, They count a vile abomination, But not to slaughter a whole nation. 1200Presbytery does but translateThe Papacy to a free state;A commonwealth of Popery, Where ev'ry village is a SeeAs well as Rome, and must maintain 1205A Tithe-pig Metropolitan;Where ev'ry Presbyter and DeaconCommands the keys for cheese and bacon;And ev'ry hamlet's governedBy's Holiness, the Church's Head; 1210More haughty and severe in's place, Than GREGORY or BONIFACE. Such Church must (surely) be a monsterWith many heads: for if we consterWhat in th' Apocalypse we find, 1215According to th' Apostle's mind, 'Tis that the Whore of BabylonWith many heads did ride upon;Which heads denote the sinful tribeOf Deacon, Priest, Lay-Elder, Scribe. 1220

Lay-Elder, SIMEON to LEVI, Whose little finger is as heavyAs loins of patriarchs, prince-prelate, And bishop-secular. This zealotIs of a mungrel, diverse kind; 1225Cleric before, and lay behind;A lawless linsie-woolsie brother, Half of one order, half another;A creature of amphibious nature;On land a beast, a fish in water; 1230That always preys on grace or sin;A sheep without, a wolf within. This fierce inquisitor has chiefDominion over men's beliefAnd manners: can pronounce a Saint 1235Idolatrous or ignorant, When superciliously he siftsThrough coarsest boulter others' gifts;For all men live and judge amiss, Whose talents jump not just with his. 1240He'll lay on gifts with hands, and placeOn dullest noddle Light and Grace, The manufacture of the Kirk. Those pastors are but th' handy-workOf his mechanic paws, instilling 1245Divinity in them by feeling;From whence they start up Chosen Vessels, Made by contact, as men get meazles. So Cardinals, they say, do gropeAt th' other end the new-made Pope. 1250

Hold, hold, quoth HUDIBRAS; soft fire, They say, does make sweet malt. Good Squire, Festina lente, not too fast;For haste (the proverb says) makes waste. The quirks and cavils thou dost make 1255Are false, and built upon mistake:And I shall bring you, with your packOf fallacies, t' elenchi back;And put your arguments in moodAnd figure to be understood. 1260I'll force you, by right ratiocination, To leave your vitilitigation, And make you keep to th' question close, And argue dialecticos. 

The question then, to state it first, 1265Is, Which is better, or which worst, Synods or Bears? Bears I avowTo be the worst, and Synods thou. But, to make good th' assertion, Thou say'st th' are really all one. 1270If so, not worst; for if th' are idemWhy then, tantundem dat tantidem. For if they are the same, by course, Neither is better, neither worse. But I deny they are the same, 1275More than a maggot and I am. That both are animaliaI grant, but not rationalia:For though they do agree in kind, Specific difference we find; 1280And can no more make bears of these, Than prove my horse is SOCRATES. That Synods are bear-gardens too, Thou dost affirm; but I say no:And thus I prove it in a word; 1285Whats'ver assembly's not impow'r'dTo censure, curse, absolve, and ordain, Can be no Synod: but bear-gardenHas no such pow'r; ergo, 'tis none:And so thy sophistry's o'erthrown. 1290

But yet we are beside the questionWhich thou didst raise the first contest on;For that was, Whether Bears are betterThan Synod-men? I say, Negatur. That bears are beasts, and synods men, 1295Is held by all: they're better then:For bears and dogs on four legs go, As beasts, but Synod-men on two. 'Tis true, they all have teeth and nails;But prove that Synod-men have tails; 1300Or that a rugged, shaggy furGrows o'er the hide of Presbyter;Or that his snout and spacious earsDo hold proportion with a bear's. A bears a savage beast, of all 1305Most ugly and unnaturalWhelp'd without form, until the damHas lick'd it into shape and frame:But all thy light can ne'er evict, That ever Synod-man was lick'd; 1310Or brought to any other fashion, Than his own will and inclination. But thou dost further yet in thisOppugn thyself and sense; that is, Thou would'st have Presbyters to go 1315For bears and dogs, and bearwards too;A strange chimera of beasts and men, Made up of pieces heterogene;Such as in nature never metIn eodem subjecto yet. 1320Thy other arguments are allSupposures, hypothetical, That do but beg, and we may choseEither to grant them, or refuse. Much thou hast said, which I know when 1325And where thou stol'st from other men, Whereby 'tis plain thy Light and GiftsAre all but plagiary shifts;And is the same that Ranter said, Who, arguing with me, broke my head, 1330And tore a handful of my beard:The self-same cavils then I heard, When, b'ing in hot dispute aboutThis controversy, we fell outAnd what thou know'st I answer'd then, 1335Will serve to answer thee agen. 

Quoth RALPHO, Nothing but th' abuseOf human learning you produce;Learning, that cobweb of the brain, Profane, erroneous, and vain; 1340A trade of knowledge, as repleteAs others are with fraud and cheat;An art t'incumber gifts and wit, And render both for nothing fit;Makes Light unactive, dull, and troubled, 1345Like little DAVID in SAUL's doublet;A cheat that scholars put uponOther mens' reason and their own;A fort of error, to ensconceAbsurdity and ignorance, 1350That renders all the avenuesTo truth impervious and abstruse, By making plain things, in debate, By art, perplex'd, and intricateFor nothing goes for sense or light 1355That will not with old rules jump right:As if rules were not in the schoolsDeriv'd from truth, but truth from rules. This pagan, heathenish inventionIs good for nothing but contention. 1360For as, in sword-and-buckler fight, All blows do on the target light;So when men argue, the great'st partO' th' contests falls on terms of art, Until the fustian stuff be spent, 1365And then they fall to th' argument. 

Quoth HUDIBRAS Friend RALPH, thou hastOut-run the constable at last:For thou art fallen on a newDispute, as senseless as untrue, 1370But to the former oppositeAnd contrary as black to white;Mere disparata; that concerningPresbytery; this, human learning;Two things s'averse, they never yet 1375But in thy rambling fancy met. But I shall take a fit occasionT' evince thee by ratiocination, Some other time, in place more properThan this we're in; therefore let's stop here, 1380And rest our weary'd bones a-while, Already tir'd with other toil. 

NOTES TO PART I. CANTO III. 

134 p First TRULLA stav'd, &c. ] Staving and Tailing are termsof art used in the Bear-Garden, and signify there only theparting of dogs and bears: Though they are used metaphoricallyin several other professions, for moderating; as law, divinity, hectoring, &c. 

153 q Or like the late corrected leathern Ears of the Circumcised Brethren. Pryn, Bastwick, and Burton, who laid down their ears as proxiesfor their profession of the godly party, not long after maintainedtheir right and title to the pillory to be as good and lawful astheirs who first of all took possession of it in their names. 

328 r That old, &c. ] Pygmalion, king of Tyre, was the son ofMargenus, or Mechres, whom he succeeded, and lived 56 years, wherof he reigned 47. Dido, his sister, was to have governedwith him, but it was pretended the subjects thought it notconvenient. She married Sichaeus, who was the king's uncle, and very rich; wherefore he put him to death; and Dido soonafter departed the kingdom. Poets say, Pygmalion was punishedfor the hatred he bore to women with the love he had to a statue. 

925 s And as the FRENCH we conquer'd once, Now give us Laws for PANTALOONS, &c. Pantaloons and Port-Cannons were some of the fantastickfashions wherein we aped the French. 

At quisquis Insula satus BritannicaSic patria insolens fastidiet suam, Ut more simiae laboret fingere, Et aemulari Gallicas ineptias, Et omni Gallo ego hunc opinor ebrium;Ergo ex Britanno, ut Gallus esse nititur, Sic Dii jubete, fiat ex Galle Capus. 

THOMAS MORE. 

Gallus is a river in Phrygia; rising out of the mountains ofCelenae, and discharging itself into the river Sanger, the waterof which is of that admirable quality, that, being moderatelydrank, it purges the brain, and cures madness; but largely drank, it makes men frantick. Pliny, Horatius. 

1123 t A learned divine in King James's time wrote a polemickwork against the Pope, and gave it that unlucky nick-name ofThe Pope's Bull baited. 

1166 u Canonical Cravat, &c. ] Smectymnuus was a club of fiveparlimentary holders-forth; the characters of whose names andtalents were by themselves expressed in that senseless andinsignificant word. They wore handkerchiefs about their necksfor a mark of distinction (as the Officers of the ParliamentArmy then did) which afterwards degenerated into carnalcravats. About the beginning of the long Parliament, in the year1641, these five wrote a book against Episcopacy and theCommon Prayer, to which they all subscribed their names;being Stephen Marshal, Edmund Calamy, Thomas Young, Matthew Newcomen, and William Spurstow, and from thencethey and their followers were called Smectymnians. They areremarkable for another pious book, which they wrote some timeafter that, intitled, The Kings Cabinet unlocked, wherein all thechaste and endearing expressions, in the letters that passedbetwixt his Majesty King Charles I. And his Royal Consort areby these painful labourers in the Devil's vineyard turned intoburlesque and ridicule. Their books were answered with asmuch calmness and genteelness of expression, and as muchlearning and honesty, b. The Rev. Mr. Symonds, then a deprivedclergyman, as theirs was stuffed with malice, spleen, andrascally invectives. 

1249 x So Cardinals they say do grope At t'other end the new-made Pope. This relates to the story of Pope Joan, who was called JohnVIII. Platina saith she was of English extraction, but born atMentz; who, having disguised herself like a man, travelled withher paramour to Athens, where she made such progress inlearning, that coming to Rome, she met with few that couldequal her; so that, on the death of Pope Leo IV. She was chosento succeed him; but being got with child by one of herdomesticks, her travail came upon her between the ColossianTheatre and St. Clement's, as she was going to the LateranChurch, and died upon the place, having sat two years, onemonth, and four days, and was buried there without any pomp. He owns that, for the shame of this, the Popes decline goingthrough this street to the Lateran; and that, to avoid the likeerror, when any Pope is placed in the Porphyry Chair, hisgenitals are felt by the youngest deacon, through a hole madefor that purpose; but he supposes the reason of that to he, to puthim in mind that he is a man, and obnoxious to the necessitiesof nature; whence he will have the seat to be called, SedesStercoraria. 

1262 y To leave your Vitiligation, &c. ] Vitilitigation is a wordthe Knight was passionately in love with, and never failed touse it upon all occasions; and therefore to omit it, when it fell inthe way, bad argued too great a neglect of his learning andparts; though it means no more than a perverse humour ofwrangling. 

1373 z Mere Disparata, &c. ] Disparata are things separate andunlike, from the Latin word Disparo. 

PART II

CANTO I

THE ARGUMENT. 

-------------------------------------------------The Knight by damnable Magician, Being cast illegally in prison, Love brings his Action on the Case. And lays it upon Hudibras. How he receives the Lady's Visit, And cunningly solicits his Suite, Which she defers; yet on ParoleRedeems him from th' inchanted Hole. -------------------------------------------------

But now, t'observe a romantic method, Let bloody steel a while be sheathed, And all those harsh and rugged soundsOf bastinadoes, cuts, and wounds, Exchang'd to Love's more gentle stile, 5To let our reader breathe a while;In which, that we may be as brief asIs possible, by way of preface, Is't not enough to make one strange, That some men's fancies should ne'er change, 10But make all people do and sayThe same things still the self-same waySome writers make all ladies purloin'd, And knights pursuing like a whirlwindOthers make all their knights, in fits 15Of jealousy, to lose their wits;Till drawing blood o'th' dames, like witches, Th' are forthwith cur'd of their capriches. Some always thrive in their amoursBy pulling plaisters off their sores; 20As cripples do to get an alms, Just so do they, and win their dames. Some force whole regions, in despightO' geography, to change their site;Make former times shake hands with latter, 25And that which was before, come after. But those that write in rhime, still makeThe one verse for the other's sake;For, one for sense, and one for rhime, I think's sufficient at one time. 30

But we forget in what sad plightWe whilom left the captiv'd KnightAnd pensive Squire, both bruis'd in body, And conjur'd into safe custody. Tir'd with dispute and speaking Latin, 35As well as basting and bear-baiting, And desperate of any course, To free himself by wit or force, His only solace was, that nowHis dog-bolt fortune was so low, 40That either it must quickly endOr turn about again, and mend;In which he found th' event, no lessThan other times beside his guess. 

There is a tall long sided dame 45(But wond'rous light, ) ycleped FameThat, like a thin camelion, boardsHerself on air, and eats her words;Upon her shoulders wings she wearsLike hanging-sleeves, lin'd through with ears, 50And eyes, and tongues, as poets list, Made good by deep mythologist, With these she through the welkin flies, And sometimes carries truth, oft liesWith letters hung like eastern pigeons, 55And Mercuries of furthest regions;Diurnals writ for regulationOf lying, to inform the nation;And by their public use to bring downThe rate of whetstones in the kingdom. 60About her neck a pacquet-male, Fraught with advice, some fresh, some stale, Of men that walk'd when they were dead, And cows of monsters brought to bed;Of hail-stones big as pullets eggs, 65And puppies whelp'd with twice two legs;A blazing star seen in the west, By six or seven men at least. Two trumpets she does sound at once, But both of clean contrary tones; 70But whether both with the same wind, Or one before, and one behind, We know not; only this can tell, The one sounds vilely, th' other well;And therefore vulgar authors name 75Th' one Good, the other Evil, Fame. 

This tattling gossip knew too wellWhat mischief HUDIBRAS befell. And straight the spiteful tidings bearsOf all to th' unkind widow's ears. 80DEMOCRITUS ne'er laugh'd so loudTo see bawds carted through the crowd, Or funerals with stately pompMarch slowly on in solemn dump, As she laugh'd out, until her back, 85As well as sides, was like to crack. She vow'd she would go see the sight, And visit the distressed Knight;To do the office of a neighbour, And be a gossip at his labour; 90And from his wooden jail, the stocks, To set at large his fetter-locks;And, by exchange, parole, or ransom, To free him from th' enchanted mansion. This b'ing resolv'd, she call'd for hood 95And usher, implements abroadWhich ladies wear, beside a slenderYoung waiting damsel to attend her;All which appearing, on she went, To find the Knight in limbo pent. 100And 'twas not long before she foundHim, and the stout Squire, in the pound;Both coupled in enchanted tether, By further leg behind togetherFor as he sat upon his rump, 105His head like one in doleful dump, Between his knees, his hands apply'dUnto his ears on either side;And by him, in another hole, Afflicted RALPHO, cheek by jowl; 110She came upon him in his woodenMagician's circle on the sudden, As spirits do t' a conjurer, When in their dreadful shapes th' appear. 

No sooner did the Knight perceive her, 115But straight he fell into a fever, Inflam'd all over with disgrace, To be seen by her in such a place;Which made him hang his head, and scoul, And wink, and goggle like an owl. 120He felt his brains begin to swim, When thus the dame accosted him:

This place (quoth she) they say's enchanted, And with delinquent spirits haunted, That here are ty'd in chains, and scourg'd, 125Until their guilty crimes be purg'd. Look, there are two of them appear, Like persons I have seen somewhere. Some have mistaken blocks and postsFor spectres, apparitions, ghosts, 130With saucer eyes, and horns; and someHave heard the Devil beat a drum:But if our eyes are not false glasses, That give a wrong account of faces, That beard and I should be acquainted, 135Before 'twas conjur'd or enchanted;For though it be disfigur'd somewhat, As if 't had lately been in combat, It did belong to a worthy KnightHowe'er this goblin has come by't. 140

When HUDIBRAS the Lady heardDiscoursing thus upon his beard, And speak with such respect and honour, Both of the beard and the beard's owner, He thought it best to set as good 145A face upon it as he cou'd, And thus he spoke: Lady, your brightAnd radiant eyes are in the right:The beard's th' identic beard you knew, The same numerically true: 150Nor is it worn by fiend or elf, But its proprietor himself. 

O, heavens! quoth she, can that be true?I do begin to fear 'tis you:Not by your individual whiskers, 155But by your dialect and discourse, That never spoke to man or beastIn notions vulgarly exprest. But what malignant star, alasHas brought you both to this sad pass? 160

Quoth he, The fortune of the war, Which I am less afflicted for, Than to be seen with beard and face, By you in such a homely case. Quoth she, Those need not he asham'd 165For being honorably maim'd, If he that is in battle conquer'd, Have any title to his own beard;Though yours be sorely lugg'd and torn, It does your visage more adorn 170Than if 'twere prun'd, and starch'd, and lander'd, And cut square by the Russian standard. A torn beard's like a tatter'd ensign, That's bravest which there are most rents in. That petticoat about your shoulders 175Does not so well become a souldier's;And I'm afraid they are worse handledAlthough i' th' rear; your beard the van led;And those uneasy bruises makeMy heart for company to ake, 180To see so worshipful a friendI' th' pillory set, at the wrong end. 

Quoth HUDIBRAS, This thing call'd painIs (as the learned Stoicks maintain)Not bad simpliciter, nor good, 185But merely as 'tis understood. Sense is deceitful, and may feign, As well in counterfeiting painAs other gross phenomenas, In which it oft mistakes the case. 190But since the immortal intellect(That's free from error and defect, Whose objects still persist the same)Is free from outward bruise and maim, Which nought external can expose 195To gross material bangs or blows, It follows, we can ne'er be sure, Whether we pain or not endure;And just so far are sore and griev'd, As by the fancy is believ'd. 200Some have been wounded with conceit, And dy'd of mere opinion straight;Others, tho' wounded sore in reason, Felt no contusion, nor discretion. A Saxon Duke did grow so fat, 205That mice (as histories relate)Eat grots and labyrinths to dwell inHis postick parts without his feeling:Then how is't possible a kickShould e'er reach that way to the quick? 210

Quoth she, I grant it is in vain. For one that's basted to feel pain, Because the pangs his bones endureContribute nothing to the cure:Yet honor hurt, is wont to rage 215With pain no med'cine can asswage. 

Quoth he, That honour's very squeamishThat takes a basting for a blemish;For what's more hon'rable than scars, Or skin to tatters rent in wars? 220Some have been beaten till they knowWhat wood a cudgel's of by th' blow;Some kick'd until they can feel whetherA shoe be Spanish or neat's leather;And yet have met, after long running, 225With some whom they have taught that cunning. The furthest way about t' o'ercome, In the end does prove the nearest home. By laws of learned duellists, They that are bruis'd with wood or fists, 230And think one beating may for onceSuffice, are cowards and pultroons:But if they dare engage t' a second, They're stout and gallant fellows reckon'd. 

Th' old Romans freedom did bestow, 235Our princes worship, with a blow. King PYRRHUS cur'd his spleneticAnd testy courtiers with a kick. The NEGUS, when some mighty lordOr potentate's to be restor'd 240And pardon'd for some great offence, With which be's willing to dispense, First has him laid upon his belly, Then beaten back and side to a jelly;That done, he rises, humbly bows, 245And gives thanks for the princely blows;Departs not meanly proud, and boastingOf this magnificent rib-roasting. The beaten soldier proves most manful, That, like his sword, endures the anvil, 250And justly's held more formidable, The more his valour's malleable:But he that fears a bastinadoWill run away from his own shadow:And though I'm now in durance fast, 255By our own party basely cast, Ransom, exchange, parole refus'd, And worse than by the enemy us'd;In close catasta shut, past hopeOf wit or valour to elope; 260As beards the nearer that they tendTo th' earth still grow more reverend;And cannons shoot the higher pitches, The lower we let down their breeches;I'll make this low dejected fate 265Advance me to a greater height. 

Quoth she, Y' have almost made me in loveWith that which did my pity move. Great wits and valours, like great states, Do sometimes sink with their own weights:Th' extremes of glory and of shame, 270Like East and West, become the same:No Indian Prince has to his palaceMore foll'wers than a thief to th' gallows, But if a beating seem so brave, 275What glories must a whipping haveSuch great atchievements cannot failTo cast salt on a woman's tail:For if I thought your nat'ral talentOf passive courage were so gallant, 280As you strain hard to have it thought, I could grow amorous, and dote. 

When HUDIBRAS this language heard, He prick'd up's ears and strok'd his beard;Thought he, this is the lucky hour; 285Wines work when vines are in the flow'r;This crisis then I'll set my rest on, And put her boldly to the question. 

Madam, what you wou'd seem to doubt, Shall be to all the world made out, 290How I've been drubb'd, and with what spiritAnd magnanimity I bear it;And if you doubt it to be true, I'll stake myself down against you:And if I fail in love or troth, 295Be you the winner, and take both. 

Quoth she, I've beard old cunning stagersSay, fools for arguments use wagers;And though I prais'd your valour, yetI did not mean to baulk your wit; 300Which, if you have, you must needs knowWhat I have told you before now, And you b' experiment have prov'd, I cannot love where I'm belov'd. 

Quoth HUDIBRAS, 'tis a caprich 305Beyond th' infliction of a witch;So cheats to play with those still aimThat do not understand the game. Love in your heart as icily burnsAs fire in antique Roman urns, 310To warm the dead, and vainly lightThose only that see nothing by't. Have you not power to entertain, And render love for love again;As no man can draw in his breath 315At once, and force out air beneath?Or do you love yourself so much, To bear all rivals else a grutch?What fate can lay a greater curseThan you upon yourself would force? 320For wedlock without love, some say, Is but a lock without a key. It is a kind of rape to marryOne that neglects, or cares not for ye:For what does make it ravishment, 325But b'ing against the mind's consent?A rape that is the more inhumanFor being acted by a woman. Why are you fair, but to entice usTo love you, that you may despise us? 330But though you cannot Love, you say, Out of your own fanatick way, Why should you not at least allowThose that love you to do so too?For, as you fly me, and pursue 330Love more averse, so I do you;And am by your own doctrine taughtTo practise what you call a fau't. 

Quoth she, If what you say is true, You must fly me as I do you; 340But 'tis not what we do, but say, In love and preaching, that must sway. 

Quoth he, To bid me not to love, Is to forbid my pulse to move, My beard to grow, my ears to prick up, 345Or (when I'm in a fit) to hickup:Command me to piss out the moon, And 'twill as easily be done:Love's power's too great to be withstoodBy feeble human flesh and blood. 350'Twas he that brought upon his kneesThe hect'ring, kill-cow HERCULES;Transform'd his leager-lion's skinT' a petticoat, and made him spin;Seiz'd on his club, and made it dwindle 355T' a feeble distaff, and a spindle. 'Twas he that made emperors gallantsTo their own sisters and their aunts;Set popes and cardinals agog, To play with pages at leap-frog. 360'Twas he that gave our Senate purges, And flux'd the House of many a burgess;Made those that represent the nationSubmit, and suffer amputation;And all the Grandees o' the Cabal 365Adjourn to tubs at Spring and Fall. He mounted Synod-Men, and rode 'emTo Dirty-Lane and Little Sodom;Made 'em curvet like Spanish jenets, And take the ring at Madam [Bennet's] 370'Twas he that made Saint FRANCIS doMore than the Devil could tempt him to, In cold and frosty weather, growEnamour'd of a wife of snow;And though she were of rigid temper, 375With melting flames accost and tempt her;Which after in enjoyment quenching, He hung a garland on his engine

Quoth she, If Love have these effects, Why is it not forbid our sex? 380Why is't not damn'd and interdicted, For diabolical and wicked?And sung, as out of tune, against, As Turk and Pope are by the Saints?I find I've greater reason for it, 385Than I believ'd before t' abhor it. 

Quoth HUDIBRAS, These sad effectsSpring from your Heathenish neglectsOf Love's great pow'r, which he returnsUpon yourselves with equal scorns; 390And those who worthy lovers slight, Plagues with prepost'rous appetite. This made the beauteous Queen of CreteTo take a town-bull for her sweet, And from her greatness stoop so low, 395To be the rival of a cow:Others to prostitute their great hearts, To he baboons' and monkeys' sweet-hearts;Some with the Dev'l himself in league grow, By's representative a Negro. 400'Twas this made vestal-maids love-sick, And venture to be bury'd quick:Some by their fathers, and their brothers, To be made mistresses and mothers. 'Tis this that proudest dames enamours 405On lacquies and valets des chambres;Their haughty stomachs overcomes, And makes 'em stoop to dirty grooms;To slight the world, and to disparageClaps, issue, infamy, and marriage. 410

Quoth she, These judgments are severe, Yet such as I should rather bear, Than trust men with their oaths, or proveTheir faith and secresy in love, Says he, There is as weighty reason 415For secresy in love as treason. Love is a burglarer, a felon, That at the windore-eyes does steal inTo rob the heart, and with his preySteals out again a closer way, 420Which whosoever can discover, He's sure (as he deserves) to suffer. Love is a fire, that burns and sparklesIn men as nat'rally as in charcoals, Which sooty chymists stop in holes 425When out of wood they extract coals:So lovers should their passions choak, That, tho' they burn, they may not smoak. 'Tis like that sturdy thief that stoleAnd dragg'd beasts backwards into's hole: 430So Love does lovers, and us menDraws by the tails into his den, That no impression may discover, And trace t' his cave, the wary lover, But if you doubt I should reveal 435What you entrust me under seal. I'll prove myself as close and virtuousAs your own secretary ALBERTUS. 

Quoth she, I grant you may be closeIn hiding what your aims propose. 440Love-passions are like parables, By which men still mean something else, Though love be all the world's pretence, Money's the mythologick sense;The real substance of the shadow, 445Which all address and courtship's made to. 

Thought he, I understand your play, And how to quit you your own way:He that will win his dame, must doAs Love does when he bends his bow; 450With one hand thrust the lady from, And with the other pull her home. I grant, quoth he, wealth is a greatProvocative to am'rous heat. It is all philters, and high diet, 455That makes love rampant, and to fly out:'Tis beauty always in the flower, That buds and blossoms at fourscore:'Tis that by which the sun and moonAt their own weapons are out-done: 460That makes Knights-Errant fall in trances, And lay about 'em in romances:'Tis virtue, wit, and worth, and allThat men divine and sacred call:For what is worth in any thing, 465But so much money as 'twill bring?Or what, but riches is there known, Which man can solely call his ownIn which no creature goes his half;Unless it be to squint and laugh? 470I do confess, with goods and land, I'd have a wife at second-hand;And such you are. Nor is 't your personMy stomach's set so sharp and fierce on;But 'tis (your better part) your riches, 475That my enamour'd heart bewitches. Let me your fortune but possess, And settle your person how you please:Or make it o'er in trust to th' Devil;You'll find me reasonable and civil. 480

Quoth she, I like this plainness betterThan false mock-passion, speech, or letter, Or any feat of qualm or sowning, But hanging of yourself, or drowning. Your only way with me to break 485Your mind, is breaking of your neck;For as when merchants break, o'erthrown, Like nine-pins they strike others down, So that would break my heart; which done, My tempting fortune is your own, 490These are but trifles: ev'ry loverWill damn himself over and over, And greater matters undertakeFor a less worthy mistress' sake:Yet th' are the only ways to prove 495Th' unfeign'd realities of love:For he that hangs, or beats out's brains, The Devil's in him if he feigns. 

Quoth HUDIBRAS, This way's too roughFor mere experiment and proof: 500It is no jesting, trivial matter, To swing t' th' air, or douce in Water, And, like a water-witch, try love;That's to destroy, and not to prove;As if a man should be dissected 505To find what part is disaffected. Your better way is to make over, In trust, your fortune to your lover. Trust is a trial; if it break, 'Tis not so desp'rate as a neck. 510Beside, th' experiment's more certain;Men venture necks to gain a fortune:The soldier does it ev'ry day. (Eight to the week) for sixpence pay:Your pettifoggers damn their souls, 515To share with knaves in cheating fools:And merchants, vent'ring through the main, Slight pirates, rocks, and horns, for gain. This is the way I advise you to:Trust me, and see what I will do. 520

Quoth she, I should be loth to runMyself all th' hazard, and you none;Which must be done, unless some deedOf your's aforesaid do precede. Give but yourself one gentle swing 525For trial, and I'll cut the string:Or give that rev'rend head a maul, Or two, or three, against a wall, To shew you are a man of mettle, And I'll engage myself to settle. 530

Quoth he, My head's not made of brass, As Friar BACON'S noodle was;Nor (like the Indian's skull) so toughThat, authors say, 'twas musket-proof, As yet on any new adventure, 535As it had need to be, to enter. You see what bangs it has endur'd, That would, before new feats, be cur'd. But if that's all you stand upon, Here, strike me luck, it shall be done. 540

Quoth she, The matter's not so far goneAs you suppose: Two words t' a bargain:That may be done, and time enough, When you have given downright proof;And yet 'tis no fantastic pique 545I have to love, nor coy dislike:'Tis no implicit, nice aversionT' your conversation, mein, or person, But a just fear, lest you should proveFalse and perfidious in love:, 550For if I thought you could be true, I could love twice as much as you. 

Quoth he, My faith as adamanatine, As chains of destiny, I'll maintain:True as APOLLO ever spoke, 555Or Oracle from heart of oak;And if you'll give my flame but vent, Now in close hugger-mugger pent, And shine upon me but benignly, With that one, and that other pigsney, 560The sun and day shall sooner part, Than love or you shake off my heart;The sun, that shall no more dispenseHis own but your bright influence. I'll carve your name on barks of trees, 565With true-loves-knots and flourishes, That shall infuse eternal spring, And everlasting flourishing:Drink ev'ry letter on't in stum, And make it brisk champaign become; 570Where-e'er you tread, your foot shall setThe primrose and the violet:All spices, perfumes, and sweet powders, Shall borrow from your breath their odours:Nature her charter shall renew, 575And take all lives of things from you;The world depend upon your eye, And when you frown upon it, die:Only our loves shall still survive, New worlds and natures to out-live: 580And, like to heralds' moons, remainAll crescents, without change or wane. 

Hold, hold, quoth she; no more of this, Sir Knight; you take your aim amiss:For you will find it a hard chapter 585To catch me with poetic rapture, In which your mastery of artDoth shew itself, and not your heart:Nor will you raise in mine combustionBy dint of high heroic fustian. 590She that with poetry is won, Is but a desk to write upon;And what men say of her, they meanNo more than on the thing they lean. Some with Arabian spices strive 595T' embalm her cruelly alive;Or season her, as French cooks useTheir haut-gousts, bouillies, or ragousts:Use her so barbarously ill, To grind her lips upon a mill, 600Until the facet doublet dothFit their rhimes rather than her mouth:Her mouth compar'd to an oyster's, withA row of pearl in't -- stead of teeth. Others make posies of her cheeks, 605Where red and whitest colours mix;In which the lily, and the rose, For Indian lake and ceruse goes. The sun and moon by her bright eyesEclips'd, and darken'd in the skies, 610Are but black patches, that she wears, Cut into suns, and moons, and stars:By which astrologers as well, As those in Heav'n above, can tellWhat strange events they do foreshow 615Unto her under-world below. Her voice, the music of the spheres, So loud, it deafens mortals ears;As wise philosophers have thought;And that's the cause we hear it not. 620This has been done by some, who thoseTh' ador'd in rhime, would kick in prose;And in those ribbons would have hungOn which melodiously they sung;That have the hard fate to write best 625Of those still that deserve it least;It matters not how false, or forc'd:So the best things be said o' th' worst:It goes for nothing when 'tis said;Only the arrow's drawn to th' bead, 630Whether it be a swan or gooseThey level at: So shepherds useTo set the same mark on the hipBoth of their sound and rotten sheep:For wits, that carry low or wide, 635Must be aim'd higher, or besideThe mark, which else they ne'er come nigh, But when they take their aim awry. But I do wonder you should chooseThis way t' attack me with your Muse, 640As one cut out to pass your tricks on, With fulhams of poetic fiction:I rather hop'd I should no moreHear from you o' th' gallanting score:For hard dry-bastings us'd to prove 645The readiest remedies of love;Next a dry-diet: but if those fail, Yet this uneasy loop-hol'd jail, In which ye are hamper'd by the fetlock, Cannot but put y' in mind of wedlock; 650Wedlock, that's worse than any hole here, If that may serve you for a cooler, T' allay your mettle, all agogUpon a wife, the heavi'r clog:Or rather thank your gentler fate, 655That for a bruis'd or broken pate, Has freed you from those knobs that growMuch harder on the marry'd brow:But if no dread can cool your courage, From vent'ring on that dragon, marriage, 660Yet give me quarter, and advanceTo nobler aims your puissance:Level at beauty and at wit;The fairest mark is easiest hit. 

Quoth HUDIBRAS, I'm beforehand 665In that already, with your commandFor where does beauty and high witBut in your constellation meet?

Quoth she, What does a match imply, But likeness and equality? 670I know you cannot think me fitTo be th' yoke-fellow of your wit;Nor take one of so mean deserts, To be the partner of your parts;A grace which, if I cou'd believe, 675I've not the conscience to receive. 

That conscience, quoth HUDIBRAS, Is mis-inform'd: I'll state the caseA man may be a legal donor, Of any thing whereof he's owner, 680And may confer it where he lists, I' th' judgment of all casuists, Then wit, and parts, and valour, mayBe ali'nated, and made away, By those that are proprietors, 685As I may give or sell my horse. 

Quoth she, I grant the case is trueAnd proper 'twixt your horse and you;But whether I may take as wellAs you may give away or sell? 690Buyers you know are bid beware;And worse than thieves receivers are. How shall I answer hue and cry, For a roan gelding, twelve hands high, All spurr'd and switch'd, a lock on's hoof, 695A sorrel mane? Can I bring proofWhere, when, by whom, and what y' were sold for, And in the open market toll'd for?Or should I take you for a stray, You must be kept a year and day 700(Ere I can own you) here i' the pound, Where, if y' are sought, you may be foundAnd in the mean time I must payFor all your provender and hay. 

Quoth he, It stands me much upon 705T' enervate this objection, And prove myself; by topic clearNo gelding, as you would infer. Loss of virility's averr'dTo be the cause of loss of beard, 710That does (like embryo in the womb)Abortive on the chin become. This first a woman did invent, In envy of man's ornament;SEMIRAMIS, of Babylon, 715Who first of all cut men o' th' stone, To mar their beards, and lay foundationOf sow-geldering operation. Look on this beard, and tell me whetherEunuchs wear such, or geldings either? 720Next it appears I am no horse;That I can argue and discourseHave but two legs, and ne'er a tail. 

Quoth she, That nothing will availFor some philosophers of late here, 725Write, men have four legs by nature, And that 'tis custom makes them goErron'ously upon but two;As 'twas in Germany made goodB' a boy that lost himself in a wood, 730And growing down to a man, was wontWith wolves upon all four to hunt. As for your reasons drawn from tails, We cannot say they're true or false, Till you explain yourself, and show, 735B' experiment, 'tis so or no. 

Quoth he, If you'll join issue on't, I'll give you satisfactory account;So you will promise, if you lose, To settle all, and be my spouse. 740

That never shall be done (quoth she)To one that wants a tail, by meFor tails by nature sure were meant, As well as beards, for ornament:And though the vulgar count them homely, 745In men or beast they are so comely, So gentee, alamode, and handsome, I'll never marry man that wants one;And till you can demonstrate plain, You have one equal to your mane, 750I'll be torn piece-meal by a horse, Ere I'll take you for better or worse. The Prince of CAMBAY's daily foodIs asp, and basilisk, and toad;Which makes him have so strong a breath, 755Each night he stinks a queen to death;Yet I shall rather lie in's armsThan yours, on any other terms. 

Quoth he, What nature can afford, I shall produce, upon my word; 760And if she ever gave that boonTo man, I'll prove that I have oneI mean by postulate illation, When you shall offer just occasion:But since y' have yet deny'd to give 765My heart, your pris'ner, a reprieve, But made it sink down to my heel, Let that at least your pity feel;And, for the sufferings of your martyr, Give its poor entertainer quarter; 770And, by discharge or main-prize, grantDeliv'ry from this base restraint. 

Quoth she, I grieve to see your legStuck in a hole here like a peg;And if I knew which way to do't 775(Your honour safe) I'd let you out. That Dames by jail-deliveryOf Errant-Knights have been set free, When by enchantment they have been, And sometimes for it too, laid in, 780Is that which Knights are bound to doBy order, oath, and honour too:For what are they renown'd, and famous else, But aiding of distressed damosels?But for a Lady no ways errant, 785To free a Knight, we have no warrantIn any authentical romance, Or classic author, yet of France;And I'd be loth to have you breakAn ancient custom for a freak, 790Or innovation introduceIn place of things of antique use;To free your heels by any course, That might b' unwholesome to your spurs;Which, if I should consent unto, 795It is not in my pow'r to do;For 'tis a service must be done yeWith solemn previous ceremony;Which always has been us'd t' untieThe charms of those who here do lie 800For as the ancients heretoforeTo Honour's Temple had no door, But that which thorough Virtue's lay, So from this dungeon there's no wayTo honour'd freedom, but by passing 805That other virtuous school of lashing, Where Knights are kept in narrow lists, With wooden lockets 'bout their wrists;In which they for a while are tenants, And for their Ladies suffer penance: 810Whipping, that's Virtue's governess, Tutress of arts and sciences;That mends the gross mistakes of Nature, And puts new life into dull matter;That lays foundation for renown, 815And all the honours of the gown. This suffer'd, they are set at large, And freed with hon'rable discharge. Then in their robes the penitentialsAre straight presented with credentials, 820And in their way attended onBy magistrates of ev'ry town;And, all respect and charges paid, They're to their ancient seats convey'd. Now if you'll venture, for my sake, 825To try the toughness of your back, And suffer (as the rest have done)The laying of a whipping on, (And may you prosper in your suit, As you with equal vigour do't, ) 830I here engage myself to loose ye, And free your heels from Caperdewsie. But since our sex's modestyWill not allow I should be by, Bring me, on oath, a fair account, 835And honour too, when you have done't, And I'll admit you to the placeYou claim as due in my good grace. If matrimony and hanging goBy dest'ny, why not whipping too? 840What med'cine else can cure the fitsOf lovers when they lose their wits?Love is a boy by poets stil'd;Then spare the rod and spoil the child. A Persian emp'ror whipp'd his grannam 845The sea, his mother VENUS came on;And hence some rev'rend men approveOf rosemary in making love. As skilful coopers hoop their tubsWith Lydian and with Phrygian dubs, 850Why may not whipping have as goodA grace, perform'd in time and mood, With comely movement, and by art, Raise passion in a lady's heart?It is an easier way to make 855Love by, than that which many take. Who would not rather suffer whipping, Than swallow toasts of bits of ribbon?Make wicked verses, treats, and faces, And spell names over with beer-glasses 860Be under vows to hang and dieLove's sacrifice, and all a lie?With china-oranges and tartsAnd whinning plays, lay baits for hearts?Bribe chamber-maids with love and money, 865To break no roguish jests upon ye?For lilies limn'd on cheeks, and roses, With painted perfumes, hazard noses?Or, vent'ring to be brisk and wanton, Do penance in a paper lanthorn? 870All this you may compound for now, By suffering what I offer you;Which is no more than has been doneBy Knights for Ladies long agone. Did not the great LA MANCHA do so 875For the INFANTA DEL TOBOSO?Did not th' illustrious Bassa makeHimself a slave for Misse's sake?And with bull's pizzle, for her love, Was taw 'd as gentle as a glove? 880Was not young FLORIO sent (to coolHis flame for BIANCAFIORE) to school, Where pedant made his pathic bumFor her sake suffer martyrdom?Did not a certain lady whip 885Of late her husband's own Lordship?And though a grandee of the House, Claw'd him with fundamental blowsTy'd him stark naked to a bed-post, And firk'd his hide, as if sh' had rid post 890And after, in the sessions-court, Where whipping's judg'd, had honour for't?This swear you will perform, and thenI'll set you from th' inchanted den, And the magician's circle clear. 895

Quoth he, I do profess and swear, And will perform what you enjoin, Or may I never see you mine. Amen, (quoth she;) then turn'd about, And bid her Esquire let him out. 900But ere an artist could be foundT' undo the charms another bound, The sun grew low, and left the skies, Put down (some write) by ladies eyes, The moon pull'd off her veil of light 905That hides her face by day from sight, (Mysterious veil, of brightness made, That's both her lustre and her shade, )And in the lanthorn of the nightWith shining horns hung out her light; 910For darkness is the proper sphere, Where all false glories use t' appear. The twinkling stars began to muster, And glitter with their borrow'd lustre, While sleep the weary 'd world reliev'd, 915By counterfeiting death reviv'd;His whipping penance till the mornOur vot'ry thought it best t' adjourn, And not to carry on a workOf such importance in the dark, 920With erring haste, but rather stay, And do't in th' open face of day;And in the mean time go in questOf next retreat to take his rest. 

CANTO II

THE ARGUMENT. 

-------------------------------------------------The Knight and Squire, in hot dispute, Within an ace of falling out, Are parted with a sudden frightOf strange alarm, and stranger sight;With which adventuring to stickle, They're sent away in nasty pickle. -------------------------------------------------

'Tis strange how some mens' tempers suit(Like bawd and brandy) with dispute, That for their own opinions stand lastOnly to have them claw'd and canvast;That keep their consciences in cases, 5As fiddlers do their crowds and bases, Ne'er to be us'd, but when they're bentTo play a fit for argument;Make true and false, unjust and just, Of no use but to be discust; 10Dispute, and set a paradoxLike a straight boot upon the stocks, And stretch it more unmercifullyThan HELMONT, MONTAIGN, WHITE, or TULLY, So th' ancient Stoicks, in their porch, 15With fierce dispute maintain'd their church;Beat out their brains in fight and study, To prove that Virtue is a Body;That Bonum is an Animal, Made good with stout polemic brawl; 20in which some hundreds on the placeWere slain outright; and many a faceRetrench'd of nose, and eyes, and beard, To maintain what their sect averr'd;All which the Knight and Squire, in wrath, 25Had like t' have suffered for their faith, Each striving to make good his own, As by the sequel shall be shown. 

The Sun had long since, in the lapOf THETIS, taken out his nap, 30And, like a lobster boil'd, the mornFrom black to red began to turn, When HUDIBRAS, whom thoughts and aking, 'Twixt sleeping kept all night and waking, Began to rub his drowsy eyes, 35And from his couch prepar'd to rise, Resolving to dispatch the deedHe vow'd to do with trusty speed. But first, with knocking loud, and bawling, He rouz'd the Squire, in truckle lolling; 40And, after many circumstances, Which vulgar authors, in romances, Do use to spend their time and wits on, To make impertinent description, They got (with much ado) to horse, 45And to the Castle bent their course, In which he to the Dame beforeTo suffer whipping duly swore;Where now arriv'd, and half unharnest, To carry on the work in earnest, 50He stopp'd, and paus'd upon the sudden, And with a serious forehead plodding, Sprung a new scruple his head, Which first he scratch'd, and after said --Whether it be direct infringing 55An oath, if I should wave this swingeing, And what I've sworn to bear, forbear, And so b' equivocation swear, Or whether it be a lesser sinTo be forsworn than act the thing, 60Are deep and subtle points, which must, T' inform my conscience, be discust;In which to err a tittle mayTo errors infinite make way;And therefore I desire to know 65Thy judgment e'er we further go. 

Quoth Ralpho, Since you do enjoin't, I shall enlarge upon the point;And, for my own part, do not doubtTh' affirmative may be made out, 70But first, to state the case aright, For best advantage of our light, And thus 'tis: Whether 't be a sinTo claw and curry your own skin, Greater or less, than to forbear, 75And that you are forsworn, forswear. But first, o' th' first: The inward man, And outward, like a clan and clan, Have always been at daggers-drawing, And one another clapper-clawing. 80Not that they really cuff, or fence, But in a Spiritual Mystick sense;Which to mistake, and make 'em squabbleIn literal fray's abominable. 'Tis heathenish, in frequent use 85With Pagans and apostate Jews, To offer sacrifice of bridewells, Like modern Indians to their idols;And mongrel Christians of our times, That expiate less with greater crimes, 90And call the foul abomination, Contrition and mortification. Is 't not enough we're bruis'd and kickedWith sinful members of the wicked, Our vessels, that are sanctify'd, 95Prophan'd and curry'd back and side, But we must claw ourselves with shamefulAnd heathen stripes, by their example;Which (were there nothing to forbid it)Is impious because they did it; 100This, therefore, may be justly reckon'dA heinous sin. Now to the secondThat Saints may claim a dispensationTo swear and forswear, on occasion, I doubt not but it will appear 105With pregnant light: the point is clear. Oaths are but words, and words but wind;Too feeble implements to bind;And hold with deeds proportion soAs shadows to a substance do. 110Then when they strive for place, 'tis fitThe weaker vessel should submit. Although your Church be oppositeTo ours as Black Friars are to White, In rule and order, yet I grant, 115You are a Reformado Saint;And what the Saints do claim as due, You may pretend a title to:But Saints whom oaths and vows oblige, Know little of their privilege; 120Further (I mean) than carrying onSome self-advantage of their own:For if the Dev'l, to serve his turn, Can tell troth, why the Saints should scorn, When it serves theirs, to swear and lye; 125I think there's little reason why:Else h' has a greater pow'r than they, Which 't were impiety to say. W' are not commanded to forbearIndefinitely at all to swear; 130But to swear idly, and in vain, Without self-interest or gainFor breaking of an oath, and lying, Is but a kind of self-denying;A Saint-like virtue: and from hence 135Some have broke oaths by ProvidenceSome, to the glory of the Lord, Perjur'd themselves, and broke their word;And this the constant rule and practiceOf all our late Apostles acts is. 140Was not the cause at first begunWith perjury, and carried on?Was there an oath the Godly took, But in due time and place they broke?Did we not bring our oaths in first, 145Before our plate, to have them burst, And cast in fitter models forThe present use of Church and War?Did not our Worthies of the House, Before they broke the peace, break vows? 150For having freed us first from bothTh' Allegiance and Supremacy Oath, Did they not next compel the NationTo take and break the Protestation?To swear, and after to recant 155The solemn League and Covenant?To take th' Engagement, and disclaim it, Enforc'd by those who first did frame itDid they not swear, at first, to fightFor the KING'S Safety and his Right, 160And after march'd to find him out, And charg'd him home with horse and foot;But yet still had the confidenceTo swear it was in his defenceDid they not swear to live and die 165With Essex, and straight laid him by?

If that were all, for some have sworeAs false as they, if th' did no more, Did they not swear to maintain Law, In which that swearing made a flaw? 170For Protestant Religion vow, That did that vowing disallow?For Privilege of Parliament, In which that swearing made a rent?And since, of all the three, not one 175Is left in being, 'tis well known. Did they not swear, in express words, To prop and back the House of Lords, And after turn'd out the whole House-fullOf Peers, as dang'rous and unusefull? 180So CROMWELL, with deep oaths and vows, Swore all the Commons out o' th' House;Vow'd that the red-coats would disband, Ay, marry wou'd they, at their command;And troll'd them on, and swore, and swore, 185Till th' army turn'd them out of door. This tells us plainly what they thought, That oaths and swearing go for nought, And that by them th' were only meantTo serve for an expedient. 190What was the Public Faith found out for, But to slur men of what they fought forThe Public Faith, which ev'ry oneIs bound t' observe, yet kept by none;And if that go for nothing, why 195Should Private Faith have such a tye?Oaths were not purpos'd more than law, To keep the good and just in awe, But to confine the bad and sinful, Like moral cattle, in a pinfold. 200A Saint's of th' Heav'nly Realm a Peer;And as no Peer is bound to swear, But on the Gospel of his Honour, Of which he may dispose as owner, It follows, though the thing be forgery, 205And false th' affirm, it is no perjury, But a mere ceremony, and a breachOf nothing, but a form of speech;And goes for no more when 'tis took, Than mere saluting of the book. 210Suppose the Scriptures are of force, They're but commissions of course, And Saints have freedom to digress, And vary from 'em, as they please;Or mis-interpret them, by private 215Instructions, to all aims they drive at. Then why should we ourselves abridgeAnd curtail our own privilege?Quakers (that, like to lanthorns, bearTheir light within 'em) will not swear 220Their gospel is an accidence, By which they construe conscience, And hold no sin so deeply red, As that of breaking Priscian's head;(The head and founder of their order, ) 225That stirring Hat's held worse than murder. These thinking th' are oblig'd to trothIn swearing, will not take an oathLike mules, who, if th' have not their willTo keep their own pace, stand stock-still: 230But they are weak, and little knowWhat free-born consciences may do. 'Tis the temptation of the DevilThat makes all human actions evilFor Saints may do the same things by 235The Spirit, in sincerity, Which other men are tempted to, And at the Devil's instance doAnd yet the actions be contrary, Just as the Saints and Wicked vary. 240For as on land there is no beast, But in some fish at sea's exprest, So in the Wicked there's no Vice, Of which the Saints have not a spice;And yet that thing that's pious in 245The one, in th' other is a sin. Is't not ridiculous, and nonsense, A Saint should be a slave to conscience, That ought to be above such fancies, As far as above ordinances? 250She's of the wicked, as I guess, B' her looks, her language, and her dress:And though, like constables, we search, For false wares, one another's Church, Yet all of us hold this for true, 255No Faith is to the wicked due;For truth is precious and divine;Too rich a pearl for carnal swine, Quoth HUDIBRAS, All this is true; 260Yet 'tis not fit that all men knew, Those mysteries and revelations, And therefore topical evasionsOf subtle turns and shifts of sense, Serve best with th' wicked for pretence, Such as the learned Jesuits use, 265And Presbyterians for excuseAgainst the Protestants, when th' happenTo find their Churches taken napping:As thus: A breach of oath is duple, And either way admits a scruple, 270And may be, ex parte of the makerMore criminal than th' injur'd taker;For he that strains too far a vow, Will break it, like an o'er-bent bow:And he that made, and forc'd it, broke it, 275Not he that for convenience took it. A broken oath is, quatenus oath, As sound t' all purposes of troth, As broken laws are ne'er the worse;Nay, till th' are broken have no force. 280What's justice to a man, or laws, That never comes within their clawsThey have no pow'r, but to admonish:Cannot controul, coerce, or punish, Until they're broken, and then touch 285Those only that do make 'em such. Beside, no engagement is allow'dBy men in prison made for good;For when they're set at liberty, They're from th' engagement too set free. 290The rabbins write, when any JewDid make to God, or man, a vow, Which afterward he found untoward, And stubborn to be kept, or too hard, Any three other Jews o' th' nation, 295Might free him from the obligationAnd have not two saints pow'r to useA greater privilege than three Jews?The court of conscience, which in manShould be supreme and sovereign, 300Is't fit should be subordinateTo ev'ry petty court i' the state, And have less power than the lesser, To deal with perjury at pleasure?Have its proceedings disallow'd, or 305Allow'd, at fancy of Pye-Powder?Tell all it does, or does not know, For swearing ex officio?Be forc'd t' impeach a broken hedge, And pigs unring'd at Vis. Franc. Pledge? 310Discover thieves, and bawds, recusants, Priests, witches, eves-droppers, and nuisance:Tell who did play at games unlawful, And who fill'd pots of ale but half-fullAnd have no pow'r at all, nor shift, 315To help itself at a dead liftWhy should not conscience have vacationAs well as other courts o' th' nationHave equal power to adjourn, Appoint appearance and return; 320And make as nice distinction serveTo split a case, as those that carve, Invoking cuckolds' names, hit joints;Why should not tricks as slight do pointsIs not th' High-Court of Justice sworn 325To judge that law that serves their turn, Make their own jealousies high-treason, And fix 'm whomsoe'er they please on?Cannot the learned counsel thereMake laws in any shape appear? 330Mould 'em as witches do their clay, When they make pictures to destroyAnd vex 'em into any formThat fits their purpose to do harm?Rack 'em until they do confess, 335Impeach of treason whom they please, And most perfidiously condemnThose that engag'd their lives for them?And yet do nothing in their own sense, But what they ought by oath and conscience? 340Can they not juggle, and, with slightConveyance, play with wrong and right;And sell their blasts of wind as dearAs Lapland witches bottled air?Will not fear, favour, bribe and grudge 345The same case sev'ral ways adjudge?As seamen, with the self-same gale, Will sev'ral different courses sail?As when the sea breaks o'er its bounds, And overflows the level grounds, 350Those banks and dams, that, like a screen, Did keep it out, now keep it in;So when tyrannic usurpationInvades the freedom of a nation, The laws o' th' land, that were intended 355To keep it out, are made defend it. Does not in chanc'ry ev'ry man swearWhat makes best for him in his answer?Is not the winding up witnessesAnd nicking more than half the bus'ness? 360For witnesses, like watches, goJust as they're set, too fast or slow;And where in conscience they're strait-lac'd, 'Tis ten to one that side is cast. Do not your juries give their verdict 365As if they felt the cause, not heard it?And as they please, make matter of factRun all on one side, as they're pack't?Nature has made man's breast no windores, To publish what he does within doors, 370Nor what dark secrets there inhabit, Unless his own rash folly blab it. If oaths can do a man no goodIn his own bus'ness, why they shou'dIn other matters do him hurt, 375I think there's little reason for't. He that imposes an oath, makes it, Not he that for convenience takes it:Then how can any man be saidTo break an oath he never made? 380These reasons may, perhaps, look oddlyTo th' Wicked, though th' evince the Godly;But if they will not serve to clearMy honour, I am ne'er the near. Honour is like that glassy bubble 385That finds philosophers such trouble, Whose least part crack't, the whole does fly, And wits are crack'd to find out why. 

Quoth RALPHO, Honour's but a wordTo swear by only in a Lord: 390In other men 'tis but a huff, To vapour with instead of proof;That, like a wen, looks big and swells, Is senseless, and just nothing else. 

Let it (quoth he) be what it will, 395It has the world's opinion still. But as men are not wise that runThe slightest hazard they may shun, There may a medium be found outTo clear to all the world the doubt; 400And that is, if a man may do't, By proxy whipt, or substitute. 

Though nice and dark the point appear, (Quoth RALPH) it may hold up and clear. That sinners may supply the place 405Of suff'ring Saints is a plain case. Justice gives sentence many timesOn one man for another's crimes. 

Our brethren of NEW ENGLAND useChoice malefactors to excuse, 410And hang the guiltless in their stead, Of whom the Churches have less need;As lately 't happen'd: In a town There liv'd a cobler, and but one, That out of doctrine could cut use, 415And mend men's lives as well as shoes, This precious brother having slain, In time of peace, an Indian, (Not out of malice, but mere zeal, Because he was an Infidel, ) 420The mighty TOTTIPOTTYMOYSent to our elders an envoy, Complaining sorely of the breachOf league held forth by brother PatchAgainst the articles in force 425Between both Churches, his and oursFor which he crav'd the Saints to renderInto his hands or hang th' offenderBut they maturely having weigh'd, They had no more but him o' th' trade, 430(A man that serv'd them in a doubleCapacity, to teach and cobble, )Resolv'd to spare him; yet, to doThe Indian Hoghgan Moghgan tooImpartial justice, in his stead did 435Hang an old Weaver, that was bed-rid. Then wherefore way not you be skipp'd, And in your room another whipp'd?For all Philosophers, but the Sceptick, Hold whipping may be sympathetick. 440

It is enough, quoth HUDIBRAS, Thou hast resolv'd and clear'd the caseAnd canst, in conscience, not refuseFrom thy own doctrine to raise use. I know thou wilt not (for my sake) 445Be tender-conscienc'd of thy back. Then strip thee off thy carnal jerking, And give thy outward-fellow a ferking;For when thy vessel is new hoop'd, All leaks of sinning will be stopp'd. 450

Quoth RALPHO, You mistake the matter;For in all scruples of this nature, No man includes himself, nor turnsThe point upon his own concerns. As no man of his own self catches 455The itch, or amorous French achesSo no man does himself convince, By his own doctrine, of his sinsAnd though all cry down self, none meansHis ownself in a literal sense. 460Beside, it is not only foppish, But vile, idolatrous and Popish, For one man, out of his own skin, To ferk and whip another's sin;As pedants out of school-boys' breeches 465Do claw and curry their own itches. But in this case it is prophane, And sinful too, because in vain;For we must take our oaths upon it, You did the deed, when I have done it. 470

Quoth HUDIBRAS, That's answer'd soonGive us the whip, we'll lay it on. 

Quoth RALPHO, That we may swear true, 'Twere properer that I whipp'd youFor when with your consent 'tis done, 475The act is really your own. 

Quoth HUDIBRAS, It is in vain(I see) to argue 'gainst the grain;Or, like the stars, incline men toWhat they're averse themselves to do: 480For when disputes are weary'd out, 'Tis interest still resolves the doubtBut since no reason can confute ye, I'll try to force you to your dutyFor so it is, howe'er you mince it; 485As ere we part, I shall evince itAnd curry (if you stand out) whetherYou will or no, your stubborn leather. Canst thou refuse to hear thy partI' th' publick work, base as thou art? 490To higgle thus for a few blows, To gain thy Knight an op'lent spouseWhose wealth his bowels yearn to purchase, Merely for th' interest of the Churches;And when he has it in his claws, 495Will not be hide-bound to the Cause?Nor shalt thou find him a Curmudgin, If thou dispatch it without grudging. If not, resolve, before we go, That you and I must pull a crow. 500

Y' had best (quoth RALPHO) as the ancientsSay wisely, Have a care o' th' main chance, And look before you ere you leap;For as you sow, y' are like to reap:And were y' as good as George-a-Green, 505I shall make bold to turn agenNor am I doubtful of the issueIn a just quarrel, and mine is so. Is't fitting for a man of honourTo whip the Saints, like Bishop Bonner? 510A Knight t' usurp the beadle's office, For which y' are like to raise brave trophies. But I advise you (not for fear, But for your own sake) to forbear;And for the Churches, which may chance, 515From hence, to spring a variance;And raise among themselves new scruples, Whom common danger hardly couples. Remember how, in arms and politicks, We still have worsted all your holy tricks; 520Trepann'd your party with intrigue, And took your grandees down a peg;New modell'd th' army, and cashier'dAll that to legion SMEC adher'd;Made a mere utensil o' your Church, 525And after left it in the lurchA scaffold to build up our own, And, when w' had done with't, pull'd it downCapoch'd your Rabbins of the Synod, And snap'd their Canons with a why-not; 530(Grave Synod Men, that were rever'dFor solid face and depth of beard;)Their classic model prov'd a maggot, Their direct'ry an Indian Pagod;And drown'd their discipline like a kitten, 535On which they'd been so long a sitting;Decry'd it as a holy cheat, Grown out of date, and obsolete;And all the Saints of the first grassAs casting foals of Balaam's ass. 540

At this the Knight grew high in chafe, And staring furiously on RALPH, He trembled, and look'd pale with ireLike ashes first, then red as fire. Have I (quoth he) been ta'en in fight, 545And for so many moons lain by't, And, when all other means did fail, Have been exchang'd for tubs of ale?Not but they thought me worth a ransomeMuch more consid'rable and handsome, 550But for their own sakes, and for fearThey were not safe when I was thereNow to be baffled by a scoundrel, An upstart sect'ry, and a mungrel;Such as breed out of peccant humours, 555Of our own Church, like wens or tumours, And, like a maggot in a sore, Would that which gave it life devour;It never shall be done or said;With that he seiz'd upon his blade; 560And RALPHO too, as quick and bold, Upon his basket-hilt laid hold, With equal readiness prcpar'dTo draw, and stand upon his guard;When both were parted on the sudden, 565 With hideous clamour, and a loud oneAs if all sorts of noise had beenContracted into one loud din;Or that some member to be chosen, Had got the odds above a thousand, 570And by the greatness of its noise, Prov'd fittest for his country's choice. This strange surprisal put the KnightAnd wrathful Squire into a fright;And though they stood prepar'd, with fatal 575Impetuous rancour to join battel, Both thought it was the wisest courseTo wave the fight and mount to horse, And to secure by swift retreating, Themselves from danger of worse beating. 580Yet neither of them would disparage, By utt'ring of his mind, his courage, Which made them stoutly keep their ground, With horror and disdain wind-bound. 

And now the cause of all their fear 585By slow degrees approach'd so near, They might distinguish different noiseOf horns, and pans, and dogs, and boys, And kettle-drums, whose sullen dubSounds like the hooping of a tub. 590But when the sight appear'd in view, They found it was an antique show;A triumph, that, for pomp and state, Did proudest Romans emulate:For as the aldermen of Rome 595Their foes at training overcome, And not enlarging territory, (As some mistaken write in Story, )Being mounted, in their best array, Upon a carr, and who but they! 600And follow'd with a world of tall-lads, That merry ditties troll'd, and ballads, Did ride with many a good-morrow, Crying, Hey for our Town! through the BoroughSo when this triumph drew so nigh 605They might particulars descry, They never saw two things so pat, In all respects, as this and that. First, he that led the cavalcade, Wore a sow-gelder's flagellate, 610On which he blew as strong a levetAs well-fee'd lawyer on his breviate, When over one another's headsThey charge (three ranks at once) like Swedes, Next pans and kettle, of all keys, 615From trebles down to double base;And after them, upon a nag, That might pass for a forehand stag, A cornet rode, and on his staffA smock display'd did proudly wave. 620Then bagpipes of the loudest drones, With snuffling broken-winded tones, Whose blasts of air, in pockets shutSound filthier than from the gut, And make a viler noise than swine 625In windy weather, when they whine. Next one upon a pair of panniers, Full fraught with that which for good mannersShall here be nameless, mixt with grains, Which he dispens'd among the swains, 630And busily upon the crowdAt random round about bestow'd. Then, mounted on a horned horse, One bore a gauntlet and gilt spurs, Ty'd to the pummel of a long sword 635He held reverst, the point turn'd downward, Next after, on a raw-bon'd steed, The conqueror's standard-bearer rid, And bore aloft before the championA petticoat display'd, and rampant 640Near whom the Amazon triumphantBestrid her beast, and on the rump on'tSat face to tail, and bum to bum, The warrior whilom overcome;Arm'd with a spindle and a distaff, 645Which, as he rode, she made him twist off;And when he loiter'd, o'er her shoulderChastis'd the reformado soldier. Before the dame, and round about, March'd whifflers and staffiers on foot, 650With lackies, grooms, valets, and pages, In fit and proper equipages;Of whom some torches bore, some links, Before the proud virago minx, That was both Madam and a Don, 655Like NERO'S SPORUS, or POPE JOAN;And at fit periods the whole routSet up their throats with clamorous shout. The Knight, transported, and the Squire, Put up their weapons, and their ire; 660And HUDIBRAS, who us'd to ponderOn such sights with judicious wonder, Could hold no longer to impartHis animadversions, for his heart. 

Quoth he, In all my life, till now, 665I ne'er saw so prophane a show. It is a Paganish invention, --Which heathen writers often mention:And he who made it had read GOODWIN, Or Ross, or CAELIUS RHODOGINE, 670With all the Grecians, SPEEDS and STOWS, That best describe those ancient shows;And has observ'd all fit decorumsWe find describ'd by old historians:For as the Roman conqueror, 675That put an end to foreign war, Ent'ring the town in triumph for it, Bore a slave with him, in his chariot;So this insulting female brave, Carries behind her here a slave: 680And as the ancients long ago, When they in field defy'd the foe, Hung out their mantles della guerre, So her proud standard-bearer hereWaves on his spear, in dreadful manner, 685A Tyrian-petticoat for banner: Next links and torches, heretoforeStill borne before the emperor. And as, in antique triumphs, eggsWere borne for mystical intrigues, 690There's one with truncheon, like a ladle, That carries eggs too, fresh or addle;And still at random, as he goes, Among the rabble-rout bestows. 

Quoth Ralpho, You mistake the matter; 695For all th' antiquity you smatter, Is but a riding, us'd of courseWhen the grey mare's the better horse;When o'er the breeches greedy womenFight to extend their vast dominion; 700And in the cause impatient GrizelHas drubb'd her Husband with bull's pizzle, And brought him under Covert-Baron, To turn her vassal with a murrain;When wives their sexes shift, like hares, 705And ride their husbands like night-mares, And they in mortal battle vanquish'd, Are of their charter disenfranchis'dAnd by the right of war, like gills, Condemn'd to distaff, horns, and wheels: 710For when men by their wives are cow'd, Their horns of course are understood

Quoth HUDIBRAS thou still giv'st sentenceImpertinently, and against sense. Tis not the least disparagement 715To be defeated by th' event, Nor to be beaten by main force;That does not make a man the worse, Although his shoulders with battoonBe claw'd and cudgel'd to some tune. 720A taylor's 'prentice has no hardMeasure that's bang'd with a true yard:But to turn tail, or run away, And without blows give up the day, Or to surrender ere th' assault, 725That's no man's fortune, but his fault, And renders men of honour lessThan all th' adversity of success;And only unto such this shewOf horns and petticoats is due. 730There is a lesser profanation, Like that the Romans call'd ovation:For as ovation was allow'dFor conquest purchas'd without blood, So men decree these lesser shows 735For victory gotten without blows, By dint of sharp hard words, which someGive battle with, and overcome. These mounted in a chair-curule, Which moderns call a cucking-stool, 740March proudly to the river's side, And o'er the waves in triumph ride;Like Dukes of VENICE, who are saidThe Adriatick Sea to wed;And have a gentler wife than those 745For whom the State decrees those shows, But both are heathenish, and comeFrom th' whores of Babylon and Rome;And by the Saints should be withstood, As Antichristian and lewd; 750And as such, should now contributeOur utmost struggling to prohibit. 

This said, they both advanc'd, and rodeA dog-trot through the bawling crowd, T'attack the leader, and still prest, 755Till they approach'd him breast to breastThen HUDIBRAS, with face and hand, Made signs for silence; which obtain'd, What means (quoth he) this Devil's precessionWith men of orthodox profession? 760'Tis ethnic and idolatrous, From heathenism deriv'd to us, Does not the Whore of Babylon rideUpon her horned beast astrideLike this proud dame, who either is 765A type of her, or she of this?Are things of superstitious functionFit to be us'd in Gospel Sun-shine?It is an Antichristian opera, Much us'd in midnight times of Popery, 770Of running after self-inventionsOf wicked and profane intentions;To scandalize that sex for scolding, To whom the Saints are so beholden. Women, who were our first Apostles 775Without whose aid we had been lost else;Women, that left no stone unturn'dIn which the Cause might he concern'd;Brought in their children's' spoons and whistles, To purchase swords, carbines, and pistols; 780Their husbands, cullies, and sweet-hearts, To take the Saints and Churches' parts;Drew several gifted Brethren in, That for the Bishops would have been, And fix'd 'em constant to the party, 785With motives powerful and hearty;Their husbands robb'd, and made hard shiftsT'administer unto their giftsAll they cou'd rap, and rend, and pilfer, To scraps and ends of gold and silver; 790Rubb'd down the Teachers, tir'd and spentWith holding forth for Parliament, Pamper'd and edify'd their zealWith marrow-puddings many a meal;And led them, with store of meat, 795On controverted points to eat;And cram'd 'em, till their guts did ake, With cawdle, custard, and plum-cake:What have they done, or what left undone, That might advance the Cause at London? 800March'd rank and file, with drum and ensign, T'intrench the city for defence inRais'd rampiers with their own soft hands, To put the enemy to stands;From ladies down to oyster-wenches, 805Labour'd like pioneers in trenches;Fell to their pick-axes, and tools, And help'd the men to dig like moles?Have not the handmaids of the cityChose of their members a committee, 810For raising of a common purseOut of their wages to raise horse?And do they not as triers sit, To judge what officers are fitHave they --? At that an egg let fly, 815Hit him directly o'er the eye, And running down his cheek, besmear'd, With orange tawny slime, his beard;But beard and slime being of one hue, The wound the less appear'd in view. 820Then he that on the panniers rode, Let fly on th' other side a load, And, quickly charg'd again, gave fullyIn RALPHO'S face another volley. The Knight was startled with the smell, 825And for his sword began to feel;And RALPHO, smother'd with the stink, Grasp'd his; when one, that bore a link, O' th' sudden clapp'd his flaming cudgel, Like linstock, to the horse's touch-hole; 830And straight another, with his flambeaux, Gave RALPHO'S o'er the eye a damn'd blow. The beasts began to kick and fling, And forc'd the rout to make a ring, Through which they quickly broke their way, 835And brought them off from further fray;And though disorder'd in retreat, Each of them stoutly kept his seatFor quitting both their swords and reins, They grasp'd with all their strength the manes, 840And, to avoid the foe's pursuit, With spurring put their cattle to't;And till all four were out of wind, And danger too, ne'er look'd behind. After th' had paus'd a while, supplying 845Their spirits, spent with fight and flying, And HUDIBRAS recruited forceOf lungs, for action or discourse, Quoth he, That man is sure to loseThat fouls his hands with dirty foes: 850For where no honour's to be gain'd, 'Tis thrown away in b'ing maintain'd. 'Twas ill for us we had to doWith so dishonourable a foe:For though the law of arms doth bar 855The use of venom'd shot in war, Yet, by the nauseous smell, and noisome, Their case-shot savours strong of poison;And doubtless have been chew'd with teethOf some that had a stinking breath; 860Else, when we put it to the push, They have not giv'n us such a brush. But as those pultroons, that fling dirt, Do but defile, but cannot hurt, So all the honour they have won, 865Or we have lost, is much as one, 'Twas well we made so resoluteAnd brave retreat without pursuit;For if we had not, we had spedMuch worse, to be in triumph led; 870Than which the ancients held no stateOf man's life more unfortunate. But if this bold adventure e'erDo chance to reach the widow's ear, It may, b'ing destin'd to assert 875Her sex's honour, reach her heart:And as such homely treats (they say)Portend good fortune, so this may. VESPASIAN being daub'd with dirt, Was destin'd to the empire for't; 880And from a Scavenger did comeTo be a mighty Prince in RomeAnd why may not this foul addressPresage in love the same successThen let us straight, to cleanse our wounds, 885Advance in quest of nearest ponds, And after (as we first design'd)Swear I've perform'd what she enjoin'd. 

NOTES TO PART II. CANTO II. 

15 So th' ancient Stoicks, &c. ] In Porticu (StoicorumSchola Athenis) Discipulorum Seditionibus mille Quadrigentitriginta Cives interfecti sunt. -- Diog. Laert. In Vita Zenonis, p. 383. [One thousand four hundred and thirty citizens were killedin the quarrels of the disciples in the porch (of the Stoic Schoolof Athens). ] Those old Virtuosos were better proficients inthose exercises than modern, who seldom improve higher thancuffing and kicking. 

19 Bonum is such a kind of animal as our modern virtuosifrom Don Quixote will have windmills under sail to be. Thesame authors are of opinion, that all ships are fishes while theyare afloat; but when they are run on ground, & laid up, in thedock, become ships again. 

413 in a town, &c. ] The history of the Cobler had beenattested by persons of good credit, who were upon the placewhen it was done. 

548 Have been exchang'd, &c. ] The knight was keptprisoner in Exeter, and, after several exchanges proposed, butnone accepted of, was at last released for a barrel of ale, as heoften used to declare. 

678 Bore a slave with him in his chariot. ------ Et sibi Consul Me placeat, curru servus portatur eodem. [And it pleased the Consul to have me carried as a slave in hischariot]

683 Hung out, &c. ] Tunica Coccinia solebat pridie quamdimicandum esset, supra praetorium poni, quasi admonito, &indicium futurae pugnae. [The praetors wore scarlet tunics onthe day before the battle, for a warning, and a portent of thefuture. ] Lipsius in Tacit. P. 56. 

687 next links, &c. ] That the Roman Emperors were wontto have torches borne before them (by day) appears by Herodianin Pertinace. Lipsius in Tacit. P. 16. 

879 Vespasian being dawb'd, &c. ] C. Caesar sucensens, propter curam verrendis viis non adhibitam, Luto jussit applericongesto per milites in praetexte sinum. Sueton. In Vespas. C. 5. 

PART II

CANTO III. 

THE ARGUMENT

-------------------------------------------------The Knight, with various Doubts possest, To win the Lady goes in questOf Sidrophel, the Rosy-Crucian, To know the Dest'nies' Resolution;With whom being met, they both chop LogickAbout the Science Astrologick, Till falling from Dispute to Fight, The Conj'rer's worsted by the Knight. -------------------------------------------------

Doubtless the pleasure is as greatOf being cheated as to cheat;As lookers-on feel most delight, That least perceive a jugler's slight;And still the less they understand, 5The more th' admire his slight of hand. 

Some with a noise, and greasy light, Are snapt, as men catch larks by night;Ensnar'd and hamper'd by the soul, As nooses by their legs catch fowl l0Some with a med'cine, and receipt, Are drawn to nibble at the bait;And tho' it be a two-foot trout, 'Tis with a single hair pull'd out. 

Others believe no voice t' an organ 15So sweet as lawyer's in his bar-gown, Until with subtle cobweb-cheatsTh'are catch'd in knotted law, like nets;In which, when once they are imbrangled, The more they stir, the more they're tangled; 20And while their purses can dispute, There's no end of th' immortal suit. 

Others still gape t' anticipateThe cabinet-designs of fate;Apply to wizards, to foresee 25What shall and what shall never be;And, as those vultures do forebode, Believe events prove bad or good:A flam more senseless than the rogueryOf old aruspicy and aug'ry. 30That out of garbages of cattlePresag'd th' events of truce or battle;From flight of birds, or chickens pecking, Success of great'st attempts would reckon:Though cheats, yet more intelligible 35Than those that with the stars do fribble. This HUDIBRAS by proof found true, As in due time and place we'll shew:For he, with beard and face made clean, B'ing mounted on his steed agen, 40(And RALPHO got a cock-horse tooUpon his beast, with much ado)Advanc'd on for the Widow's house, To acquit himself, and pay his vows;When various thoughts began to bustle, 45And with his inward man to justleHe thought what danger might accrueIf she should find he swore untrue;Or if his squire or he should fail, And not be punctual in their tale: 50It might at once the ruin proveBoth of his honour, faith, and love. But if he should forbear to go, She might conclude h'had broke his vow;And that he durst not now for-shame 55Appear in court to try his claim. This was the pen'worth of his thought, To pass time and uneasy trot. 

Quoth he, In all my past adventuresI ne'er was set so on the tenters; 60Or taken tardy with dilemma, That ev'ry way I turn does hem me, And with inextricable doubtBesets my puzzled wits about:For tho' the dame has been my bail, 65To free me from enchanted jail, Yet as a dog, committed closeFor some offence, by chance breaks loose, And quits his clog, but all in vain, He still draws after him his chain; 70So, though my ankle she has quitted, My heart continues still committed;And like a bail'd and main-priz'd lover, Altho' at large, I am bound over;And when I shall appear in court, 75To plead my cause, and answer for't, Unless the judge do partial prove, What will become of me and love?For if in our account we vary, Or but in circumstance miscarry; 80Or if she put me to strict proof, And make me pull my doublet off, To shew, by evident recordWrit on my skin, I've kept my Word;How can I e'er expect to have her, 85Having demurr'd onto her favour?But faith, and love, and honour lost, . Shall be reduc'd t' a Knight o' th' Post. Beside, that stripping may preventWhat I'm to prove by argument, 90And justify I have a tailAnd that way, too, my proof may fail. Oh that I cou'd enucleate, And solve the problems of my fateOr find, by necromantick art, 95How far the dest'nies take my partFor if I were not more than certainTo win and wear her, and her fortune, I'd go no farther in his courtship, To hazard soul, estate, and worship 100For though an oath obliges notWhere any thing is to be got, (As thou last prov'd) yet 'tis profane, And sinful, when men swear in vain. 

Quoth RALPH, Not far from hence doth dwell 105A cunning man, hight SIDROPHEL, That deals in destiny's dark counsels, And sage opinions of the Moon sells;To whom all people, far and near, On deep importances repair; 110When brass and pewter hap to stray, And linen slinks out of the way;When geese and pullen are seduc'd, And sows of sucking-pigs are chows'd;When cattle feel indisposition, 115And need th' opinion of physician;When murrain reigns in hogs or sheep. And chickens languish of the pip;When yeast and outward means do fail, And have no pow'r to work on ale: 120When butter does refuse to come, And love proves cross and humoursome:To him with questions, and with urine, They for discov'ry flock, or curing. 

Quoth HUDIBRAS, This SIDROPHEL 125I've heard of, and should like it well, If thou canst prove the Saints have freedomTo go to Sorc'rers when they need 'em. 

Says RALPHO, There's no doubt of thatWhose principles I quoted late, 130Prove that the Godly may alledgeFor any thing their Privilege;And to the Dev'l himself may go, If they have motives thereunto. For, as there is a war between 135The Dev'l and them, it is no sin, If they by subtle stratagemMake use of him, as he does them. Has not this present ParliamentA Ledger to the Devil sent, 140Fully impowr'd to treat aboutFinding revolted witches outAnd has not he, within a year, Hang'd threescore of 'em in one shire?Some only for not being drown'd, 145And some for sitting above ground, Whole days and nights, upon their breeches, And feeling pain, were hang'd for witches. And some for putting knavish tricksUpon green geese and turky-chicks, 150And pigs, that suddenly deceastOf griefs unnat'ral, as he guest;Who after prov'd himself a witchAnd made a rod for his own breech. Did not the Devil appear to MARTIN 155LUTHER in Germany for certain;And wou'd have gull'd him with a trick, But Martin was too politick?Did he not help the Dutch to purgeAt ANTWERP their Cathedral Church? 160 Sing catches to the Saints at MASCON, And tell them all they came to ask him Appear'd in divers shapes to KELLY, And speak i' th' Nun of LOUDON's belly? Meet with the Parliament's Committee 165At WOODSTOCK on a pers'nal treaty? At SARUM take a cavalierI' th' Cause's service prisonerAs WITHERS, in immortal rhime, Has register'd to after-time! 170Do not nor great Reformers useThis SIDROPHEL to forebode news?To write of victories next year, And castles taken yet i' th' airOf battles fought at sea, and ships 175Sank two years hence, the last eclipse?A total overthrow giv'n the KingIn Cornwall, horse and foot, next Spring!And has not he point-blank foretoldWhats'e'er the Close Committee would? 180Made Mars and Saturn for the CauseThe moon for Fundamental Laws?The Ram, the Bull, and Goat declareAgainst the Book of Common-Pray'r?The Scorpion take the Protestation, 185And Bear engage for Reformation?Made all the Royal Stars recant, Compound and take the Covenant?

Quoth HUDIBRAS, The case is clear, The Saints may 'mploy a Conjurer, 190As thou hast prov'd it by their practice;No argument like matter of fact is;And we are best of all led toMen's principles by what they do. Then let us straight advance in quest 195Of this profound GymnosophistAnd as the Fates and he advise, Pursue or wave this enterprise, This said, he turn'd about his steed, And eftsoons on th' adventure rid; 200Where leave we him and RALPH a while, And to the Conjurer turn our stile, To let our reader understandWhat's useful of him before-hand. 

He had been long t'wards mathematicks, 205Optics, philosophy, and staticks, Magick, horoscopy, astrology, And was old dog at physiologyBut as a dog that turns the spitBestirs himself, and plies his feet, 210To climb the wheel, but all in vain, His own weight brings him down again, And still he's in the self-same placeWhere at his setting out h wasSo in the circle of the arts 215Did he advance his nat'ral parts, Till falling back still, for retreat, He fell to juggle, cant, and cheat:For as those fowls that live in waterAre never wet, he did but smatter: 220Whate'er he labour'd to appear, His understanding still was clearYet none a deeper knowledge boasted, Since old HODGE-BACON and BOB GROSTED. Th' Intelligible World he knew, 225And all men dream on't to be true;That in this world there's not a wartThat has not there a counterpart;Nor can there on the face of groundAn individual beard be found, 230That has not, in that foreign nation, A fellow of the self-same fashionSo cut, so colour'd, and so curl'd, As those are in th' Inferior World. H' had read DEE's Prefaces before, 235The DEV'L, and EUCLID, o'er and o'er;And all the intrigues 'twixt him and KELLY, LESCUS and th' EMPEROR, wou'd tell ye;But with the Moon was more familiarThan e'er was almanack well-willer; 240Her secrets understood so clear, That some believ'd he had been there;Knew when she was in the fittest moodFor cutting corns, or letting blood;When for anointing scabs or itches, 245Or to the bum applying leeches;When sows and bitches may be spay'd, And in what sign best cyder's made:Whether the wane be, or increase, Best to set garlick, or sow pease: 250Who first found out the Man i' th' Moon, That to the ancients was unknown;How many dukes, and earls, and peers, Are in the planetary spheres;Their airy empire and command, 255Their sev'ral strengths by sea and land;What factions th' have, and what they drive atIn public vogue, or what in private;With what designs and interestsEach party manages contests. 260He made an instrument to knowIf the Moon shine at full or no;That wou'd as soon as e'er she shone, straightWhether 'twere day or night demonstrate;Tell what her d'meter t' an inch is, 265And prove that she's not made of green cheese. It wou'd demonstrate, that the Man inThe Moon's a Sea Mediterranean;And that it is no dog nor bitch, That stands behind him at his breech, 270But a huge Caspian Sea, or lake, With arms, which men for legs mistake;How large a gulph his tail composes, And what a goodly bay his nose is;How many German leagues by th' scale 275Cape Snout's from Promontory Tail. He made a planetary gin, Which rats would run their own heads in, And cause on purpose to be taken, Without th' expence of cheese or bacon. 280With lute-strings he would counterfeitMaggots that crawl on dish of meat:Quote moles and spots on any placeO' th' body, by the index face:Detect lost maiden-heads by sneezing, 285Or breaking wind of dames, or pissing;Cure warts and corns with applicationOf med'cines to th' imagination;Fright agues into dogs, and scareWith rhimes the tooth-ach and catarrh; 290Chace evil spirits away by dintOf cickle, horse-shoe, hollow-flint;Spit fire out of a walnut-shell, Which made the Roman slaves rebel;And fire a mine in China here 295With sympathetic gunpowder. He knew whats'ever's to be known, But much more than he knew would own;What med'cine 'twas that PARACELSUSCould make a man with, as he tells us; 300What figur'd slates are best to makeOn watry surface duck or drake;What bowling-stones, in running raceUpon a board, have swiftest pace;Whether a pulse beat in the black 305List of a dappled louse's back;If systole or diastole moveQuickest when he's in wrath or loveWhen two of them do run a race, Whether they gallop, trot, or pace: 310How many scores a flea will jump, Of his own length, from head to rump;Which SOCRATES and CHAEREPHON, In vain, assay'd so long agon;Whether his snout a perfect nose is, 315And not an elephant's proboscisHow many diff'rent speciesesOf maggots breed in rotten cheeseAnd which are next of kin to thoseEngender'd in a chandler's nose; 320Or those not seen, but understood, That live in vinegar and wood. 

A paultry wretch he had, half-starv'd, That him in place of Zany serv'd. Hight WHACHUM, bred to dash and draw, 325Not wine, but more unwholesome lawTo make 'twixt words and lines huge gaps, Wide as meridians in maps;To squander paper, and spare ink, And cheat men of their words, some think. 330From this, by merited degrees, He'd to more high advancement rise;To be an under-conjurer, A journeyman astrologer. His business was to pump and wheedle, 335And men with their own keys unriddle;And make them to themselves give answers, For which they pay the necromancers;To fetch and carry intelligence, Of whom, and what, and where, and whence, 340And all discoveries disperseAmong th' whole pack of conjurersWhat cut-purses have left with themFor the right owners to redeem;And what they dare not vent find out, 345To gain themselves and th' art repute;Draw figures, schemes, and horoscopes, Of Newgate, Bridewell, brokers' shops, Of thieves ascendant in the cart;And find out all by rules of art; 350Which way a serving-man, that's runWith cloaths or money away, is gone:Who pick'd a fob at holding forth;And where a watch, for half the worth, May be redeem'd; or stolen plate 355Restor'd at conscionable rate. Beside all this, he serv'd his masterIn quality of poetaster;And rhimes appropriate could makeTo ev'ry month i' th almanack 360What terms begin and end could tell, With their returns, in doggerel;When the exchequer opes and shuts, And sowgelder with safety cutsWhen men may eat and drink their fill, 365And when be temp'rate, if they will;When use and when abstain from vice, Figs, grapes, phlebotomy, and spice. And as in prison mean rogues beatHemp for the service of the great, 370So WHACHUM beats his dirty brains, T' advance his master's fame and gainsAnd, like the Devil's oracles, Put into doggrel rhimes his spells, Which, over ev'ry month's blank page 375I' th' almanack, strange bilks presage. He would an elegy composeOn maggots squeez'd out of his nose;In lyrick numbers write an ode onHis mistress, eating a black-pudden: 380And when imprison'd air escap'd her, It puft him with poetic rapture. His sonnets charm'd th' attentive crowd, By wide-mouth'd mortal troll'd aloud, That 'circl'd with his long-ear'd guests, 385Like ORPHEUS look'd among the beasts. A carman's horse could not pass by, But stood ty'd up to poetry:No porter's burthen pass'd along, But serv'd for burthen to his song: 390Each window like a pill'ry appears, With heads thrust through, nail'd by the earsAll trades run in as to the sightOf monsters, or their dear delightThe gallow tree, when cutting purse 395Breeds bus'ness for heroic verse, Which none does hear, but would have hungT' have been the theme of such a song. 

Those two together long had liv'd, In mansion prudently contriv'd; 400Where neither tree nor house could barThe free detection of a starAnd nigh an ancient obelisk Was rais'd by him, found out by FISK, On which was a written not in words, 405But hieroglyphic mute of birds, Many rare pithy saws concerningThe worth of astrologic learning. From top of this there hung a rope, To a which he fasten'd telescope; 410The spectacles with which the starsHe reads in smallest characters. It happen'd as a boy, one night, Did fly his tarsel of a kite, The strangest long-wing'd hawk that flies, 415That, like a bird of Paradise, Or herald's martlet, has no legs, Nor hatches young ones, nor lays eggs;His train was six yards long, milk-white, At th' end of which there hung a light, 420Inclos'd in lanthorn, made of paper, That far off like a star did appear. This SIDROPHEL by chance espy'd, And with amazement staring wide, Bless us! quoth he, what dreadful wonder 425Is that appears in heaven yonder?A comet, and without a beard!Or star that ne'er before appear'd!I'm certain 'tis not in the scrowlOf all those beasts, and fish, and fowl, 430With which, like Indian plantations, The learned stock the constellationsNor those that draw for signs have binTo th' houses where the planets inn. It must be supernatural, 435 Unless it be that cannon-ballThat, shot i' th' air point-blank upright, Was borne to that prodigious height, That learn'd Philosophers maintain, It ne'er came backwards down again; 440But in the airy region yetHangs like the body of MAHOMETFor if it be above the shadeThat by the earth's round bulk is made, 'Tis probable it may from far 445Appear no bullet, but a star. 

This said, he to his engine flew, Plac'd near at hand, in open view, And rais'd it 'till it levell'd rightAgainst the glow-worm tail of kite, 450Then peeping thro', Bless us! (quoth he)It is a planet, now I seeAnd, if I err not, by his properFigure, that's like tobacco-stopper, It should be Saturn. Yes, 'tis clear 455'Tis Saturn; but what makes him there?He's got between the Dragon's TailAnd farther Leg behind o' th' Whale. Pray heav'n divert the fatal omen, For 'tis a prodigy not common; 460And can no less than the world's end, Or Nature's funeral, portend. 

With that he fell again to pry. Thro' perspective more wistfully, When by mischance the fatal string, 465That kept the tow'ring fowl on wing, Breaking, down fell the star. Well shot, Quoth WHACHUM, who right wisely thoughtH' had levell'd at a star, and hit itBut SIDROPHEL, more subtle-witted, 470Cry'd out, What horrible and fearfulPortent is this, to see a star fall?It threatens nature, and the doomWill not be long before it comeWhen stars do fail, 'tis plain enough, 475The day of judgment's not far off; As lately 'twas reveal'd to SEDGWICK, And some of us find out by magick. Then since the time we have to liveIn this world's shorten'd, let us strive 480To make our best advantage of it, And pay our losses with our profit. 

This feat fell out not long beforeThe Knight, upon the forenam'd score, In quest of SIDROPHEL advancing, 485Was now in prospect of the mansionWhom he discov'ring, turn'd his glass, And found far off, 'twas HUDIBRAS. 

WHACHUM, (quoth he), look yonder, someTo try or use our art are come 490The one's the learned Knight: seek out, And pump 'em what they come about. WHACHUM advanc'd, with all submissness, T' accost em, but much more their bus'ness. He held a stirrup, while the Knight 495From leathern bare-bones did alightAnd taking from his hand the bridle, Approach'd the dark Squire to unriddle. He gave him first the time o' th' day, And welcom'd him, as he might say: 500He ask'd him whence he came, and whitherTheir bus'ness lay? Quoth RALPHO, Hither. Did you not lose? Quoth RALPHO, Nay. Quoth WHACHUM, Sir, I meant your way!Your Knight -- Quoth RALPHO, Is a lover, 505And pains intolerable doth suffer:For lovers' hearts are not their own hearts, Nor lights, nor lungs, and so forth downwards. What time, (quoth RALPHO), Sir? -- Too longThree years it off and on has hung. -- 510Quoth he, I meant what time o'the day 'tis. --Quoth RALPHO, Between seven and eight 'tis. Why then, (quoth Whachum) my small artTells me, the dame has a hard heart, Or great estate. -- Quoth RALPH, A jointer, 515Which makes him have so hot a mind t'her. Mean while the Knight was making water, Before he fell upon the matter;Which having done, the Wizard steps in, To give him suitable reception 520But kept his bus'ness at a bayTill WHACHUM put him in the way;Who having now, by RALPHO's light. Expounded th' errand of the Knight, And what he came to know, drew near, 525To whisper in the Conj'rer's ear, Which he prevented thus: What was't, Quoth he, that I was saying last, Before these gentlemen arriv'd?Quoth WHACHUM, Venus you retriev'd, 530In opposition with Mars, And no benigne friendly starsT' allay the effect. -- Quoth Wizard, SoIn Virgo? Ha! -- Quoth WHACHUM, No. Has Saturn nothing to do in it? 535One-tenth of's circle to a minute. 'Tis well, quoth he. -- Sir, you'll excuseThis rudeness I am forc'd to useIt is a scheme and face of Heaven, As the aspects are dispos'd this even, 540I was contemplating uponWhen you arriv'd; but now I've done, Quoth HUDIBRAS, If I appearUnseasonable in coming hereAt such a tone, to interrupt, 545Your speculations, which I hop'dAssistance from, and come to use, 'T is fit that I ask your excuse. By no means, Sir, quoth SIDROPHEL;The stars your coming did foretel: 550I did expect you here, and knew, Before you spake, your bus'ness too. 

Quoth HUDIBRAS, Make that appear, And I shall credit whatsoe'erYou tell me after on your word, 555Howe'er unlikely, or absurd. 

You are in love, Sir, with a widow, Quoth he, that does not greatly heed you, And for three years has rid your witAnd passion without drawing bit: 560And now your bus'ness is to know, If you shall carry her or no. 

Quoth HUDIBRAS, You're in the right;But how the Devil you came by'tI can't imagine; for the Stars, 565I'm sure, can tell no more than a horse;Nor can their aspects (though you poreYour eyes out on 'em) tell you moreThan th' oracle of sieve and sheers, That turns as certain as the spheres: 570But if the Devil's of your counsel, Much may be done my noble Donzel;And 'tis on his account I come, To know from you my fatal doom. 

Quoth SIDROPHEL, If you Suppose, 575Sir Knight, that I am one of those, I might suspect, and take the alarm, Your bus'ness is but to inform;But if it be, 'tis ne'er the near;You have a wrong sow by the ear; 580For I assure you, for my part, I only deal by rules of art, Such as are lawful, and judge byConclusions of Astrology:But for the Dev'l, know nothing by him; 585But only this, that I defy him. 

Quoth he, Whatever others deem ye, I understand your metonymy:Your words of second-hand intention, When things by wrongful names you mention; 590The mystick sense of all your terms, That are, indeed, but magick charmsTo raise the Devil, and mean one thing, And that is down-right conjuring;And in itself more warrantable, 595Than cheat, or canting to a rabble, Or putting tricks upon the Moon, Which by confed'racy are done. Your ancient conjurers were wontTo make her from her sphere dismount. 600And to their incantations stoop:They scorn'd to pore thro' telescope, Or idly play at bo-peep with her, To find out cloudy or fair weather, Which ev'ry almanack can tell, 605Perhaps, as learnedly and well, As you yourself -- Then, friend, I doubtYou go the furthest way about. Your modern Indian magicianMakes but a hole in th' earth to piss in, 610And straight resolves all questions by't, And seldom fails to be i'th' right. The Rosy-Crucian way's more sureTo bring the Devil to the lure;Each of 'em has a sev'ral gin 615To catch intelligences in. Some by the nose with fumes trepan 'em, As DUNSTAN did the Devil's grannam;Others, with characters and words, Catch 'em, as men in nets do birds; 620And some with symbols, signs, and tricks, Engrav'd with planetary nicks, With their own influences will fetch 'emDown from their orbs, arrest, and catch 'em;Make 'em depose and answer to 625All questions e're they let them go. BUMBASTUS kept a Devil's birdShut in the pummel of his sword, That taught him all the cunning pranksOf past and future mountebanks. 630KELLY did all his feats uponThe Devil's looking-glass, a stone;Where playing with him at bo-peep, He solv'd all problems ne'er so deep. AGRIPPA kept a Stygian pug, 635I' th' garb and habit of a dog, That was his tutor, and the curRead to th' occult philosopher, And taught him subt'ly to maintainAll other sciences are vain. 640

To this, quoth SIDROPHELLO, Sir, AGRIPPA was no conjurer, Nor PARACELSUS, no, nor BEHMEN;Nor was the dog a Cacodaemon, But a true dog, that would shew tricks 645For th' emperor, and leap o'er sticks;Would fetch and carry; was more civilThan other dogs, but yet no Devil;And whatsoe'er he's said to do, He went the self-same way we go. 650As for the Rosy-Cross Philosophers, Whom you will have to be but sorcerers, What they pretend to is no more, Than TRISMEGISTUS did before, PYTHAGORAS, old ZOROASTER, 655And APOLLONIUS their master;To whom they do confess they oweAll that they do, and all they know. 

Quoth HUDIBRAS, Alas! what is't t' us, Whether 'twas said by TRISMEGISTUS, 660If it be nonsense, false, or mystick, Or not intelligible, or sophistick?'Tis not antiquity, nor author, That makes Truth Truth, altho' Times daughter;'Twas he that put her in the pit 665Before he pull'd her out of it;And as he eats his sons, just soHe feeds upon his daughters too. Nor does it follow, 'cause a herald, Can make a gentleman, scarce a year old, 670To be descended of a raceOf ancient kings in a small space, That we should all opinions holdAuthentic that we can make old. 

Quoth SIDROPHEL, It is no part 675Of prudence to cry down an art, And what it may perform deny, Because you understand not why(As AVERHOIS play'd but a mean trickTo damn our whole art for eccentrick:) 680For Who knows all that knowledge containsMen dwell not on the tops of mountains, But on their sides, or rising's seatSo 'tis with knowledge's vast height. Do not the hist'ries of all ages 685Relate miraculous presages, Of strange turns in the world's affairs, Foreseen b' Astrologers, Soothsayers, Chaldeans, learn'd Genethliacks, And some that have writ almanacks? 690 The MEDIA N emp'ror dreamt his daughterHad pist all ASIA under water, And that a vine, sprung from her haunches, O'erspread his empire with its branches:And did not soothsayers expound it, 695As after by th' event he found it? When CAESAR in the senate fell, Did not the sun eclips'd foretel, And, in resentment of his slaughter, Look'd pale for almost a year after? 700 AUGUSTUS having, b' oversight, Put on his left shoe 'fore his right, Had like to have been slain that dayBy soldiers mutin'ing for pay. Are there not myriads of this sort, 705Which stories of all times report?Is it not ominous in all countriesWhen crows and ravens croak upon trees? The Roman senate, when withinThe city walls an owl was seen 710Did cause their clergy, with lustrations, (Our Synod calls humiliations), The round-fac'd prodigy t'avertFrom doing town or country hurtAnd if an owl have so much pow'r, 715Why should not planets have much more, That in a region far aboveInferior fowls of the air move, And should see further, and foreknowMore than their augury below? 720Though that once serv'd the polityOf mighty states to govern byAnd this is what we take in handBy pow'rful art to understandWhich, how we have perform'd, all ages 725Can speak th' events of our presagesHave we not lately, in the Moon, Found a New World, to the Old unknown?Discover'd sea and land, COLUMBUSAnd MAGELLAN cou'd never compass? 730Made mountains with our tubes appear, And cattle grazing on 'em there?

Quoth HUDIBRAS, You lie so ope, That I, without a telescope, Can mind your tricks out, and descry 735Where you tell truth, and where you lye:For ANAXAGORAS, long agon, Saw hills, as well as you, i' th' Moon;And held the Sun was but a pieceOf red-hot ir'n, as big as Greece; 740Believ'd the Heav'ns were made of stone, Because the Sun had voided one;And, rather than he would recantTh' opinion, suffer'd banishment. 

But what, alas! is it to us, 745Whether i' th' Moon men thus or thusDo eat their Porridge, cut their corns, Or whether they have tails or horns?What trade from thence can you advance, But what we nearer have from France? 750What can our travellers bring home, That is not to be learnt at Rome?What politicks, or strange opinions, That are not in our own dominions?What science can he brought from thence, 755In which we do not here commence?What revelations, or religions, That are not in our native regions?Are sweating lanthorns, or screen-fans, Made better there than th' are in France? 760Or do they teach to sing and playO' th' gittar there a newer way?Can they make plays there, that shall fitThe public humour, with less wit?Write wittier dances, quainter shows, 765Or fight with more ingenious blows?Or does the man i' th' moon look big, And wear a huger perriwig, Shew in his gait or face more tricks, Than our own native lunaticks? 770And if w' out-do him here at home, What good of your design can come?As wind i' th' hypocondries pent, Is but a blast if downward sent, But if it upward chance to fly, 775Becomes new Light and ProphecySo when your speculations tendAbove their just and useful end, Although they promise strange and greatDiscoveries of things far set, 780They are but idle dreams and fancies, And savour strongly of the ganzas. Tell me but what's the natural cause, Why on a sign no painter drawsThe full moon ever, but the half; 785Resolve that with your JACOB's staff;Or why wolves raise a hubbub at her, And dogs howl when she shines in water;And I shall freely give my vote, You may know something more remote. 790

At this deep SIDROPHEL look'd wise, And staring round with owl-like eyes, He put his face into a postureOf sapience, and began to bluster:For having three times shook his head 795To stir his wit up, thus he saidArt has no mortal enemies, Next ignorance, but owls and geese;Those consecrated geese in orders, That to the Capitol were warders; 800And being then upon patrol, With noise alone beat off the Gaul:Or those Athenian Sceptic owls, That will not credit their own souls;Or any science understand, 805Beyond the reach of eye or hand;But meas'ring all things by their ownKnowledge, hold nothing's to be knownThose wholesale criticks, that in coffee-Houses cry down all philosophy, 810And will not know upon what groundIn nature we our doctrine found, Altho' with pregnant evidenceWe can demonstrate it to sense, As I just now have done to you, 815Foretelling what you came to know. Were the stars only made to lightRobbers and burglarers by night?To wait on drunkards, thieves, gold-finders, And lovers solacing behind doors, 820Or giving one another pledgesOf matrimony under hedges?Or witches simpling, and on gibbetsCutting from malefactors snippets?Or from the pillory tips of ears 825Of Rebel-Saints and perjurers?Only to stand by, and look on, But not know what is said or done?Is there a constellation there, That was not born and bred up here? 830And therefore cannot be to learnIn any inferior concern. Were they not, during all their lives, Most of 'em pirates, whores and thieves;And is it like they have not still 835In their old practices some skillIs there a planet that by birthDoes not derive its house from earth?And therefore probably must know, What is and hath been done below. 840Who made the Balance, or whence cameThe Bull, the Lion, and the Ram?Did not we here the Argo rig, Make BERENICE's periwig?Whose liv'ry does the Coachman wear? 845Or who made Cassiopeia's chair?And therefore, as they came from hence, With us may hold intelligence. PLATO deny'd the world can beGovern'd without geometree, 850(For money b'ing the common scaleOf things by measure, weight, and tale, In all th' affairs of Church and State, 'Tis both the balance and the weight;)Then much less can it be without 855Divine Astrology made out;That puts the other down in worth, As far as Heav'n's above the earth. 

These reasons (quoth the Knight) I grantAre something more significant 860Than any that the learned useUpon this subject to produce;And yet th' are far from satisfactory, T' establish and keep up your factory. Th' Egyptians say, the Sun has twice 865Shifted his setting and his riseTwice has he risen in the west, As many times set in the east;But whether that be true or no, The Dev'l any of you know. 870 Some hold the heavens like a top, And kept by circulation. Up;And, were't not for their wheeling round, They'd instantly fall to the ground:As sage EMPEDOCLES of old, And from him modern authors hold. 875 PLATO believ'd the Sun and MoonBelow all other Planets run. Some MERCURY, some VENUS, seatAbove the Sun himself in height. The learned SCALIGER complain'd, 880Gainst what COPERNICUS maintain'd, That, in twelve hundred years and odd, The Sun had left its ancient road, And nearer to time earth is come'Bove fifty thousand miles from home: 885Swore 'twas a most notorious flam;And he that had so little shameTo vent such fopperies abroad, Deserv'd to have his rump well claw'd;Which Monsieur BODIN hearing, swore 890That he deserv'd the rod much more, That durst upon a truth give doom;He knew less than the Pope of Rome. CARDAN believ'd great states dependUpon the tip o' th' Bear's tail's end; 895That, as she whisk'd it t'wards the Sun, Strow'd mighty empires up and down;Which others say must needs be false, Because your true bears have no tails. Some say the Zodiack Constellations 900Have long since chang'd their antique stationsAbove a sign, and prove the sameIn Taurus now once in the Ram;Affirm the trigons chop'd and chang'd, The wat'ry with the fiery rang'd: 905Then how can their effects still holdTo be the same they were of old?This, though the art were true, would makeOur modern soothsayers mistake: 910And in one cause they tell more lies, In figures and nativities, Than th' old Chaldean conjurersIn so many hundred thousand yearsBeside their nonsense in translating, 915For want of accidence and Latin, Like Idus, and Calendae, EnglishtThe quarter-days by skilful linguist;And yet with canting, sleight and, cheat, 'Twill serve their turn to do the feat; 920Make fools believe in their foreseeingOf things before they are in beingTo swallow gudgeons ere th' are catch'd;And count their chickens ere th' are hatch'dMake them the constellations prompt, 925And give 'em back their own accomptBut still the best to him that givesThe best price for't, or best believes. Some towns and cities, some, for brevity, Have cast the 'versal world's nativity, 930And made the infant-stars confess, Like fools or children, what they please. Some calculate the hidden fatesOf monkeys, puppy-dogs, and catsSome running-nags and fighting cocks, 935Some love, trade, law-suits, and the pox;Some take a measure of the livesOf fathers, mothers, husbands, wives;Make opposition, trine, and quartile, Tell who is barren, and who fertile; 940As if the planet's first aspectThe tender infant did infectIn soul and body, and instillAll future good, and future ill;Which, in their dark fatalities lurking, 945At destin'd periods fall a working;And break out, like the hidden seedsOf long diseases, into deeds, In friendships, enmities, and strife, And all the emergencies of life. 950No sooner does he peep intoThe world, but he has done his do;Catch'd all diseases, took all physickThat cures or kills a man that is sick;Marry'd his punctual dose of wives; 955Is cuckolded, and breaks or thrives. There's but the twinkling of a starBetween a man of peace and war;A thief and justice, fool and knave, A huffing officer and a slave; 960A crafty lawyer and a pick-pocket, A great philosopher and a blockhead;A formal preacher and a player, A learn'd physician and manslayer. As if men from the stars did suck 965Old age, diseases, and ill-luck, Wit, folly, honour, virtue, vice, Trade, travel, women, claps, and dice;And draw, with the first air they breathe, Battle and murder, sudden death. 970Are not these fine commoditiesTo be imported from the skies, And vended here amongst the rabble, For staple goods and warrantable? Like money by the Druids borrow'd, 975In th' other world to be restor'd?

Quoth SIDROPHEL, To let you knowYou wrong the art, and artists too, Since arguments are lost on thoseThat do our principles oppose, 980I will (although I've done't before)Demonstrate to your sense once more, And draw a figure, that shall tell youWhat you, perhaps, forget befel you, By way of horary inspection, 985Which some account our worst erection. With that he circles draws, and squares, With cyphers, astral characters;Then looks 'em o'er, to und'erstand 'em, Although set down hob-nab, at random. 990Quoth he, This scheme of th' heavens set, Discovers how in fight you metAt Kingston with a may-pole idol, And that y' were bang'd both back and side well;And though you overcame the bear, 995The dogs beat you at Brentford fair;Where sturdy butchers broke your noddle, And handled you like a fop-doodle. 

Quoth HUDIBRAS, I now perceiveYou are no conj'rer, by your leave; 1000That paultry story is untrue, And forg'd to cheat such gulls as you. 

Not true? quoth he; howe'er you vapour, I can what I affirm make appear. WHACHUM shall justify't t' your face, 1005And prove he was upon the place. He play'd the Saltinbancho's part, Transform'd t' a Frenchman by my artHe stole your cloak, and pick'd your pocket, Chows'd and caldes'd ye like a blockhead: 1010And what you lost I can produce, If you deny it, here i' th' house. 

Quoth HUDIBRAS, I do believeThat argument's demonstrative. RALPHO, bear witness; and go fetch us 1015A constable to seize the wretchesFor though th' are both false knaves and cheats, Impostors, jugglers, counterfeits, I'll make them serve for perpendicularsAs true as e'er were us'd by bricklayers. 1020They're guilty, by their own confessions, Of felony, and at the sessions, Upon the bench, I will so handle 'em, That the vibration of this pendulumShalt make all taylors yards of one 1025Unanimous opinion, A thing he long has vapour'd of, But now shall wake it out of proof. 

Quoth SIDROPHEL, I do not doubtTo find friends that will bear me out, 1030Nor have I hazarded my art, And neck, so long on the state's part, To be expos'd i' th' end to sufferBy such a braggadocio huffer. 

Huffer! quoth HUDIBRAS: this sword 1035Shall down thy false throat craw that word. RALPHO, make haste, and call an officer, To apprehend this Stygian sophister, Meanwhile I'll hold 'em at a bay, Lest he and WHACHUM run away. 1040

But SIDROPHEL who, from the aspectOf HUDIBRAS did now erectA figure worse portenting farThan that of a malignant star, Believ'd it now the fittest moment 1045To shun the danger that might come on't, While HUDIBRAS was all alone, And he and WHACHUM, two to one. This being resolv'd, he spy'd, by chance, Behind the door, an iron lance, 1050That many a sturdy limb had gor'd, And legs, and loins, and shoulders bor'd:He snatch'd it up, and made a pass, To make his way through HUDIBRAS. WHACHUM had got a fire-fork, 1055With which he vow'd to do his work. But HUDIBRAS was well prepar'd, And stoutly stood upon his guard:He put by SIDROPHELLO'S thrust, And in right manfully he rusht; l060The weapon from his gripe he wrung, And laid him on the earth along. WHACHUM his sea-coal prong threw by, And basely turn'd his back to flyBut HUDIBRAS gave him a twitch 1065As quick as light'ning in the breech, Just in the place where honour's lodg'd, As wise philosophers have judg'd;Because a kick in that place moreHurts honour than deep wounds before. 1070

Quoth HUDIBRAS, The stars determineYou are my prisoners, base vermine!Could they not tell you so as wellAs what I came to know foretell?By this what cheats you are we find, 1075That in your own concerns are blind. Your lives are now at my dispose, To be redeem'd by fine or blows:But who his honour wou'd defile, To take or sell two lives so vile? 1080I'll give you quarter; but your pillage, The conq'ring warrior's crop and tillage, Which with his sword he reaps and plows, That's mine, the law of arms allows. 

This said, in haste, in haste he fell 1085To rummaging of SIDROPHEL. First, he expounded both his pockets, And found a watch, with rings and lockets, Which had been left with him t' erectA figure for, and so detect; 1090A copper-plate, with almanacksEngrav'd upon't; with other knacks, Of BOOKER's LILLY's, SARAH JIMMERS', And blank-schemes to discover nimmers;A moon-dial, with Napier's bones, 1095And sev'ral constellation stones, Engrav'd in planetary hours, That over mortals had strange powersTo make 'em thrive in law or trade, And stab or poison to evade; 1100In wit or wisdom to improve, And be victorious in love, WHACHUM had neither cross nor pile;His plunder was not worth the while;All which the conq'rer did discompt, 1105To pay for curing of his rump. But SIDROPHEL, as full of tricksAs Rota-men of politicks, Straight cast about to over-reachTh' unwary conqu'ror with a fetch, 1110And make him clad (at least) to quitHis victory, and fly the pit, Before the Secular Prince of DarknessArriv'd to seize upon his carcass?And as a fox, with hot pursuit 1115Chac'd thro' a warren, casts aboutTo save his credit, and amongDead vermin on a gallows hung, And while the dogs run underneath, Escap'd (by counterfeiting death) 1120Not out of cunning, but a trainOf atoms justling in his brain, As learn'd philosophers give out, So SIDROPHELLO cast about, And fell to's wonted trade again, 1125To feign himself in earnest slain:First stretch'd out one leg, than another, And seeming in his breath to smotherA broken sigh; quoth he, Where am I, Alive or dead? or which way came I, 1130Through so immense a space so soonBut now I thought myself in th' MoonAnd that a monster with huge whiskers, More formidable than a Switzer's, My body through and through had drill'd, 1135And WHACHUM by my side had kill'd:Had cross-examin'd both our hose, And plunder'd all we had to lose. Look, there he is; I see him now, And feel the place I am run through: 1140And there lies WHACHUM by my sideStone dead, and in his own blood dy'd. Oh! Oh! with that he fetch'd a groan, And fell again into a swoon;Shut both his eyes, and stopp'd his breath, 1145And to the life out-acted death;That HUDIBRAS, to all appearing, Believ'd him to be dead as herring. He held it now no longer safeTo tarry the return of RALPH, 1150But rather leave him in the lurch:Thought he, he has abus'd our Church, Refus'd to give himself one firkTo carry on the publick work;Despis'd our Synod-men like dirt, 1155And made their discipline his sport;Divulg'd the secrets of their classes, And their conventions prov'd high places;Disparag'd their tythe-pigs as Pagan, And set at nought their cheese and bacon; 1160Rail'd at their Covenant, and jeer'dTheir rev'rend parsons to my beard:For all which scandals, to be quitAt once, this juncture falls out fit, I'll make him henceforth to beware, 1165And tempt my fury, if he dare. He must at least hold up his hand, By twelve freeholders to be scann'd;Who, by their skill in palmistry, Will quickly read his destiny; 1170And make him glad to read his lesson, Or take a turn for it at the session;Unless his Light and Gifts prove truerThen ever yet they did, I'm sure;For if he scape with whipping now, 1175'Tis more than he can hope to do;And that will disengage my conscienceOf th' obligation in his own sense, I'll make him now by force abideWhat he by gentle means deny'd, 1180To give my honour satisfaction, And right the Brethren in the action. This being resolv'd, with equal speedAnd conduct he approach'd his steed, And with activity unwont, 1185Assay'd the lofty beast to mount;Which once atchiev'd, he spurr'd his palfrey, To get from th' enemy, and RALPH, freeLeft dangers, fears, and foes behind, And beat, at least three lengths, the wind. 1190

NOTES TO PART II. CANTO III. 

140 A Ledger, &c. ] The Witch-finder in Suffolk, who, inthe Presbyterian times, had a commission to discover witches, of whom (right or wrong) he caused 60 to be hanged within thecompass of year; and, among the rest, the old minister, whobeen a painful preacher for many years. 

159 Did he not help the Dutch, &c. ] In the beginning of theCivil Wars of Flanders, the common people of Antwerp in atumult broke open the cathedral church, to demolish images andshrines, and did so much mischief in a small time, that Stradawrites, there were several Devils seen very busy among them, otherwise it had been impossible. 

161 Sing catches, &c. ] This Devil at Mascon delivered allhis oracles, like his forefathers, in verse, which he sung to tunes. He made several lampoons upon the Hugonots, and foretoldthem many things which afterwards came to pass; as may beseen his Memoirs, written in French. 

163 Appear'd in divers, &c. ] The History of Dee and theDevil, published by Mer. Casaubon, Isaac Fil. Prebendary ofCanterbury, has a large account of all those passages, in whichthe stile of the true and false angels appears to be penned by oneand the same person. The Nun of Loudon, in France, and allher tricks, have been seen by many persons of quality of thisnation yet living, who have made very good observations uponthe French book written on that occasion. 

165 Met with, &c] A Committee of the Long Parliament, sitting in the King's-house in Woodstock Park, were terrifiedwith several apparitions, the particulars whereof were then thenews of the whole nation. 

157 At Sarum, &c. ] Withers has a long story, in doggerel, of a soldier in the King's army, who being a prisoner atSalisbury, and drinking a health to the Devil upon his knees, was carried away by him through a single pane of glass. 

224 Since old Hodge Bacon, &c. ] Roger Bacon, commonlycalled Friar Bacon, lived in the reign of Edward I. And, for somelittle skill he had in the mathematicks, was by the rabbleaccounted a conjurer, and had the sottish story of the BrazenHead fathered upon him by the ignorant Monks of those days. Robert Grosthead was Bishop of Lincoln in the of Henry III. Hewas a learned man for those times, and for that reason suspectedby the Clergy to be a Conjurer; for which crime, being degradedby Innocent IV. And summoned to appear at Rome, appealed tothe tribunal of Christ; which our lawyers say is illegal, if not aPraemunire, for offering to sue in a Foreign Court. 

513 Which Socrates, &c. ] Aristophanes, in his comedy ofthe Clouds, brings in Socrates and Chaerephon, measuring theleap of a flea from the one's beard to the other's. 

404 Was rais'd by him, &c. ] This Fisk was a famousastrologer, who flourished about the time of Subtile and Face, and was equally celebrated by Ben Jonson. 

436 Unless it be, &c. ] This experiment was tried by someforeign Virtuosos, who planted a piece of ordnance point-blankagainst the Zenith, and having fired it, the bullet neverrebounded back again; which made them all conclude that itsticks in the mark: but Des Cartes was of opinion, that it doesbut hang in the air. 

477 As lately 't was, &c. ] This Sedgwick had many persons(and some of quality) that believed in him, and prepared to keepthe day of judgment with him, but were disappointed; for whichthe false prophet was afterwards called by the name of Dooms-day Sedgwick. 

609 Your modern Indian &c. ] This compendious new wayof magick is affirmed by Monsieur Le Blanc (in his travels) tobe used in the East Indies. 

627 Bumbastus kept, &c. ] Paracelsus is said to have kept asmall devil prisoner in the pummel of his sword, which was thereason, perhaps, why he was so valiant in his drink. Howsoever, it was to better purpose than Hannibal carried poison in his, todispatch himself; for the sword alone would have done the featmuch better, and more soldier-like; and it was below the honourof so great a commander, to go out of the world like a rat. 

635 Agrippa kept &c. ] Cornelius Agrippa had a dog whichwas suspected to be a spirit, for some tricks he was wont to dobeyond the capacity of a dog, as it was thought; but the authorof Magia Adamica has taken a great deal of pains to vindicateboth the doctor and the dog from the aspersion, in which he hasshewn a very great respect and kindness for them both. 

679 As Averrhois, &c. ] Averrhois Astronomium propterExcentricos contempsit. [Averroes despised the eccentriciticitesof astronomy]. Phil. Melanchthon in Elem. Phil. P 781. 

691 The Median Emperor dreamt his daughter, &c. ]Astyages, King of Media, had this dream of his daughterMadane, and the interpretation of the Magi, wherefore hemarried her to a Persian of mean quality, by whom she hadCyrus, who conquered all Asia, and translated the empire fromthe Medes to the Persians. -- Herodot. L. I. 

697 When Caesar, &c. ] Fiunt aliquando prodigiosi, &longiores Solus Defectus, quales occisa Caesare Dictatore, &Antoniano Bello, totius Anni Pallore continuo. [Other miraclesoccurred, and the sun was dimmed for a longer time, forexample, at the death of the Dictator Caesar, and the Antoninewar, its dimness continued for a whole year] -- Phil. 

701 Augustus having &c. ] Divus Augustus laevum sibiprodidit calceum praepostere idutum, qua die seditione Militumprope afflictus est. [The Divine Augustus put on his left bootbefore the right one, that same day he was afflicted by a mutinyof the soldiers] -- Idem L. 2. 

709 The Roman Senate, &c. ] Romani L. Crasso & MarioCoss. Bubone viso orbem lustrabant. [The Romans L Crassoand Mario Coss. Ritually purified the country from (the evilinfluence caused by) seeing the owl. ]

737 For Anaxagoras, &c. ] Anaxagoras affirmabat Solemcandens Ferrum esse, & Peloponneso majorem: LunamHabitacula in se habere, & Colles, & Valles. Fertur dixisseCoelum omne ex Lapidibus esse compositum; Damnatus & inexilium pulsus est, quod impie Solem candentem luminam essedixisset. [Anaxogaras stated that the sun was made of white-hotiron, and bigger than the Peloponnese: the moon had buildings, and hills, and valleys. He was so carried away that he said thatthe whole sky was made of stone. He was condemned anddriven into exile, for speaking impiously about the pure whitelight of the sun] -- Diog. Laert. In Anaxag. P. 11, 13. 

865 Th' Egyptians say &c. ] Egyptii decem millia Annorum& amplius recensent; & observatum est in hoc tanto Spatio, bismutata esse Loca Ortuum & Occasuum Solis, ita ut Sol bisortus sit ubi nunc occidit, & bis descenderit ubi nunc oritur. [The Egyptians have records for ten thousand years and more, and it has been observed that during this space of time, therising and setting places of the sun have changed twice, so thattwice the sun has risen where it now sets, and twice set where itnow rises] -- Phil. Melanct. Lib. 1 Pag. 60. 

871 Some hold the heavens, &c. ] Causa quare Coelum noncadit (secundem Empedoclem) est velocitas sui motus. [ Thereason the sky does not fall is (according to Empedocles) thespeed it is moving at] -- Comment. In L. 2. Aristot. De Coelo. 

877 Plato believ'd, &c. ] Plato Solem & Lunam caeterisPlanetis inferiores esse putavit. [Plato believed that the Sun andMoon were lower than the other planets]-- G. Gunnin inCosmog. L. 1. P. 11. 

881 The learned Scaliger, &c. ] Copernicus in LibrisRevolutionem, deinde Reinholdus, post etiam StadiusMathematici nobiles perspicuis Demonstrationibus docuerunt, solis Apsida Terris esse propiorem, quam Ptolemaei aetateduodecem partibus, i. E. Uno & triginta terrae semidiameteris. [Copernicus in his Book of Revolutions, and afterwardsReinholdus, very cleverly showed by mathematical means thatthe perihelion of the earth was (become) nearer in the twelvecenturies since Ptolemy, that is, thirty-one times the radius ofthe earth. ] -- Jo. Bod. Met. Hist. P. 455. 

895 Cardan believ'd, &c. ] Putat Cardanus, ab extremaCauda Halices seu Majoris Ursae omne magnum Imperiumpendere. [Cardanus believed that the fate of every great empiredepended on the end of the tail of the Thumb or Great Bear] --Idem p. 325. 

913 Than th' old Chaldean, &c. ] Chaldaei jactant sequadringinta septuaginta Annorum millia in periclitandis, experiundisque Puerorum Animis possuisse. [The Chaldeansalleged that they were forty or seventy thousand years inexperiments to possess the souls of boys] -- Cicero

975 Like Money, &c. ] Druidae pecuniam mutuoaccipiebant in posteriore vita reddituri. [The Druids acceptedmoney from one another to be repaid in the next life] --Patricius. Tom. 2 p. 9. 

1001 That paltry story, &c. ] There was a notorious ideot(that is here described by the name and character of Whachum)who counterfeited a second part of Hudibras, as untowardly asCaptain Po, who could not write himself, and yet made a shiftto stand on the pillory for forging other men's hands, as hisfellow Whachum no doubt deserved; in whose abominabledoggerel this story of Hudibras and a French mountebank atBrentford fair is as properly described. 

1024 That the vibration &c. ] The device of the vibration ofa Pendulum was intended to settle a certain measure of ells andyards, &c. (that should have its foundation in nature) all theworld over: For by swinging a weight at the end of a string, andcalculating by the motion of the sun, or any star, how long thevibration would last, in proportion to the length of the string, and the weight of the pendulum, they thought to reduce it backagain, and from any part of time to compute the exact length ofany string that must necessarily vibrate into so much space oftime; so that if a man should ask in China for a quarter of anhour of satin, or taffeta, they would know perfectly what itmeant; and all mankind learn a new way to measure things, nomore by the yard, foot or inch, but by the hour, quarter, andminute. 

1113 Before the Secular, &c. ] As the Devil is the SpiritualPrince of Darkness, so is the Constable the Secular, whogoverns the night with as great authority as his colleague, butfar more imperiously. 

AN HEROICAL EPISTLE OF HUDIBRAS TO SIDROPHEL

-------------------------Ecce Iterum Crispinus. ----------------------------

WELL! SIDROPHEL, though 'tis in vainTo tamper with your crazy brain, Without trepanning of your skullAs often as the moon's at full'Tis not amiss, e're y' are giv'n o'er, 5To try one desp'rate med'cine moreFor where your case can be no worse, The desp'rat'st is the wisest course. Is't possible that you, whose earsAre of the tribe of Issachar's, 10And might (with equal reason) either, For merit, or extent of leather, With WILLIAM PRYN'S, before they wereRetrench'd and crucify'd, compare, Shou'd yet be deaf against a noise 15So roaring as the publick voiceThat speaks your virtues free, and loud, And openly, in ev'ry crowd, As, loud as one that sings his partT' a wheel-barrow or turnip-cart, 20Or your new nick-nam'd old inventionTo cry green-hastings with an engine;(As if the vehemence had stunn'd, And turn your drum-heads with the sound;)And 'cause your folly's now no news, 25But overgrown, and out of use, Persuade yourself there's no such matter, But that 'tis vanish'd out of nature;When folly, as it grows in years, The more extravagant appears; 30For who but you could be possestWith so much ignorance, and beast, That neither all mens' scorn and hate, Nor being laugh'd and pointed at, Nor bray'd so often in a mortar, 35Can teach you wholesome sense and nurture;But (like a reprobate) what courseSoever's us'd, grow worse and worseCan no transfusion of the blood, That makes fools cattle, do you good? 40Nor putting pigs t' a bitch to nurse, To turn 'em into mungrel-curs, Put you into a way, at least, To make yourself a better beast?Can all your critical intrigues 45Of trying sound from rotten eggs;Your several new-found remediesOf curing wounds and scabs in trees;Your arts of flexing them for claps, And purging their infected saps; 50Recov'ring shankers, crystallines, And nodes and botches in their rinds, Have no effect to operateUpon that duller block, your pate?But still it must be lewdly bent 55To tempt your own due punishment;And, like your whymsy'd chariots, draw, The boys to course you without law;As if the art you have so longProfess'd, of making old dogs young, 60In you had virtue to renewNot only youth, but childhood too. Can you that understand all books, By judging only with your looks, Resolve all problems with your face, 65As others do with B's and A's;Unriddle all that mankind knowsWith solid bending of your brows;All arts and sciences advance, With screwing of your countenance, 70And, with a penetrating eye, Into th' abstrusest learning pry?Know more of any trade b' a hint;Than those that have been bred up in't;And yet have no art, true or false, 75To help your own bad naturals;But still, the more you strive t' appear, Are found to be the wretchederFor fools are known by looking wise, As men find woodcocks by their eyes. 80Hence 'tis that 'cause y' have gain'd o' th' collegeA quarter share (at most) of knowledge, And brought in none, but spent repute, Y' assume a pow'r as absoluteTo judge, and censure, and controll, 85As if you were the sole Sir Poll;And saucily pretend to knowMore than your dividend comes to. You'll find the thing will not be doneWith ignorance and face alone 90No, though y' have purchas'd to your name, In history, so great a fame;That now your talents, so wellFor having all belief out-grown, That ev'ry strange prodigious tale 95Is measur'd by your German scale;By which the virtuosi tryThe magnitude of ev'ry lye, Cast up to what it does amount, And place the bigg'st to your account? 100That all those stories that are laidToo truly to you, and those made, Are now still charg'd upon your score, And lesser authors nam'd no more. Alas! that faculty betrays 105Those soonest it designs to raise;And all your vain renown will spoil, As guns o'ercharg'd the more recoil. Though he that has but impudence, To all things has a fair pretence; 110And put among his wants but shame, To all the world may lay his claim:Though you have try'd that nothing's borneWith greater ease than public scorn, That all affronts do still give place 115To your impenetrable face, That makes your way through all affairs, As pigs through hedges creep with theirs;Yet as 'tis counterfeit, and brass, You must not think 'twill always pass; 120For all impostors, when they're known, Are past their labour, and undone. And all the best that can befalAn artificial natural, Is that which madmen find as soon 125As once they're broke loose from the moon, And, proof against her influence, Relapse to e'er so little sense, To turn stark fools, and subjects fitFor sport of boys, and rabble-wit. 130

PART III. 

CANTO I. 

THE ARGUMENT. 

-------------------------------------------------The Knight and Squire resolve, at once, The one the other to renounce. They both approach the Lady's Bower;The Squire t'inform, the Knight to woo her. She treats them with a Masquerade, By Furies and Hobgoblins made;From which the Squire conveys the Knight, And steals him from himself, by Night. -------------------------------------------------

'Tis true, no lover has that pow'rT' enforce a desperate amour, As he that has two strings t' his bow, And burns for love and money too;For then he's brave and resolute, 5Disdains to render in his suit, Has all his flames and raptures double, And hangs or drowns with half the trouble, While those who sillily pursue, The simple, downright way, and true, 10Make as unlucky applications, And steer against the stream their passions. Some forge their mistresses of stars, And when the ladies prove averse, And more untoward to be won 15Than by CALIGULA the Moon, Cry out upon the stars, for doingIll offices to cross their wooing;When only by themselves they're hindred, For trusting those they made her kindred; 20And still, the harsher and hide-bounderThe damsels prove, become the fonder. For what mad lover ever dy'dTo gain a soft and gentle bride?Or for a lady tender-hearted, 25In purling streams or hemp departed?Leap'd headlong int' Elysium, Through th' windows of a dazzling room?But for some cross, ill-natur'd dame, The am'rous fly burnt in his flame. 30This to the Knight could be no news, With all mankind so much in use;Who therefore took the wiser course, To make the most of his amours, Resolv'd to try all sorts of ways, 35As follows in due time and place

No sooner was the bloody fight, Between the Wizard, and the Knight, With all th' appurtenances, over, But he relaps'd again t' a lover; 40As he was always wont to do, When h' had discomfited a foeAnd us'd the only antique philters, Deriv'd from old heroic tilters. But now triumphant, and victorious, 45He held th' atchievement was too gloriousFor such a conqueror to meddleWith petty constable or beadle, Or fly for refuge to the HostessOf th' Inns of Court and Chancery, Justice, Who might, perhaps reduce his cause 50To th' ordeal trial of the laws, Where none escape, but such as brandedWith red-hot irons have past bare-handed;And, if they cannot read one verseI' th' Psalms, must sing it, and that's worse. 55He therefore judging it below him, To tempt a shame the Devil might owe him, Resolv'd to leave the Squire for bailAnd mainprize for him to the gaol, To answer, with his vessel, all, 60That might disastrously befall;And thought it now the fittest junctureTo give the Lady a rencounter, T' acquaint her 'with his expedition, 65And conquest o'er the fierce Magician;Describe the manner of the fray, And show the spoils he brought away, His bloody scourging aggravate, The number of his blows, and weight, 70All which might probably succeed, And gain belief h' had done the deed, Which he resolv'd t' enforce, and spareNo pawning of his soul to swear, But, rather than produce his back, 75To set his conscience on the rack, And in pursuance of his urgingOf articles perform'd and scourging, And all things else, his part, Demand deliv'ry of her heart, 80Her goods, and chattels, and good graces, And person up to his embraces. Thought he, the ancient errant knightsWon all their ladies hearts in fights;And cut whole giants into fritters, 85To put them into amorous twittersWhose stubborn bowels scorn'd to yieldUntil their gallants were half kill'dBut when their bones were drub'd so soreThey durst not woo one combat more, 90The ladies hearts began to melt, Subdu'd by blows their lovers felt. So Spanish heroes, with their lances, At once wound bulls and ladies' fancies;And he acquires the noblest spouse 95That widows greatest herds of cows:Then what may I expect to do, Wh' have quell'd so vast a buffalo?

Mean while, the Squire was on his wayThe Knight's late orders to obey; 100Who sent him for a strong detachmentOf beadles, constables, and watchmen, T' attack the cunning-man fur plunder, Committed falsely on his lumber;When he, who had so lately sack'd 105The enemy, had done the fact;Had rifled all his pokes and fobsOf gimcracks, whims, and jiggumbobs, When he, by hook or crook, had gather'd, And for his own inventions father'd 110And when they should, at gaol delivery, Unriddle one another's thievery, Both might have evidence enough, To render neither halter proof. He thought it desperate to tarry, 115And venture to be accessaryBut rather wisely slip his fetters, And leave them for the Knight, his betters. He call'd to mind th' unjust, foul playHe wou'd have offer'd him that day, 120To make him curry his own hide, Which no beast ever did beside, Without all possible evasion, But of the riding dispensation;And therefore much about the hour 125The Knight (for reasons told before)Resolv'd to leave them to the furyOf Justice, and an unpack'd Jury, The Squire concurr'd t' abandon him, And serve him in the self-same trim; 130T' acquaint the Lady what h' had done, And what he meant to carry on;What project 'twas he went about, When SIDROPHEL and he fell out;His firm and stedfast Resolution, 135To swear her to an execution;To pawn his inward ears to marry her, And bribe the Devil himself to carry her;In which both dealt, as if they meantTheir Party-Saints to represent, 140Who never fail'd upon their sharingIn any prosperous arms-bearingTo lay themselves out to supplantEach other Cousin-German Saint. But, ere the Knight could do his part, 145The Squire had got so much the start, H' had to the Lady done his errand, And told her all his tricks afore-hand. Just as he finish'd his report, The Knight alighted in the court; 150And having ty'd his beast t' a pale, And taking time for both to stale, He put his band and beard in order, The sprucer to accost and board her;And now began t' approach the door, 155When she, wh' had spy'd him out beforeConvey'd th' informer out of sight, And went to entertain the KnightWith whom encount'ring, after longeesOf humble and submissive congees, 160And all due ceremonies paid, He strok'd his beard, and thus he said:

Madam, I do, as is my duty, Honour the shadow of your shoe-tye;And now am come to bring your ear 165A present you'll be glad to hear:At least I hope so: the thing's done, Or may I never see the sun;For which I humbly now demandPerformance at your gentle hand 170And that you'd please to do your part, As I have done mine, to my smart. 

With that he shrugg'd his sturdy backAs if he felt his shoulders ake. 

But she, who well enough knew what 175(Before he spoke) he would be at, Pretended not to apprehendThe mystery of what he mean'd;. And therefore wish'd him to expoundHis dark expressions, less profound. 180

Madam, quoth he, I come to proveHow much I've suffer'd for your love, Which (like your votary) to win, I have not spar'd my tatter'd skinAnd for those meritorious lashes, 185To claim your favour and good graces. 

Quoth she, I do remember onceI freed you from th' inchanted sconce;And that you promis'd, for that favour, To bind your back to good behaviour, 190And, for my sake and service, vow'dTo lay upon't a heavy load, And what 'twould bear t' a scruple prove, As other Knights do oft make loveWhich, whether you have done or no, 195Concerns yourself, not me, to know. But if you have, I shall confess, Y' are honester than I could guess. 

Quoth he, if you suspect my troth, I cannot prove it but by oath; 200And if you make a question on't, I'll pawn my soul that I have done't;And he that makes his soul his surety, I think, does give the best security. 

Quoth she, Some say, the soul's secure 205Against distress and forfeitureIs free from action, and exemptFrom execution and contempt;And to be summon'd to appearIn th' other world's illegal here; 210And therefore few make any accountInt' what incumbrances they run'tFor most men carry things so evenBetween this World, and Hell, and Heaven, Without the least offence to either, 215They freely deal in all together;And equally abhor to quitThis world for both or both for it;And when they pawn and damn their souls, They are but pris'ners on paroles. 220

For that (quoth he) 'tis rational, Th' may be accountable in all:For when there is that intercourseBetween divine and human pow'rs, That all that we determine here 225Commands obedience every where, When penalties may be commutedFor fines or ears, and executedIt follows, nothing binds so fastAs souls in pawn and mortgage past 230For oaths are th' only tests and sealsOf right and wrong, and true and false, And there's no other way to tryThe doubts of law and justice by. 

(Quoth she) What is it you would swear 235There's no believing till I hearFor, till they're understood all tales(Like nonsense) are not true nor false. 

(Quoth he) When I resolv'd t' obeyWhat you commanded th' other day, 240And to perform my exercise, (As schools are wont) for your fair eyes, T' avoid all scruples in the case, I went to do't upon the place. But as the Castle is inchanted 245By SIDROPHEL the Witch and hauntedBy evil spirits, as you know, Who took my Squire and me for two, Before I'd hardly time to layMy weapons by, and disarray 250I heard a formidable noise, Loud as the Stentrophonick voice, That roar'd far off, Dispatch and strip, I'm ready with th' infernal whip, That shall divest thy ribs from skin, 255To expiate thy ling'ring sin. Th' hast broken perfidiously thy oath, And not perform'd thy plighted troth;But spar'd thy renegado back, Where th' hadst so great a prize at stake; 260Which now the fates have order'd meFor penance and revenge to flea, Unless thou presently make haste:Time is, time was: And there it ceas'd. With which, though startled, I confess, 265Yet th' horror of the thing was lessThan th' other dismal apprehensionOf interruption or prevention;And therefore, snatching up the rod, I laid upon my back a load; 270Resolv'd to spare no flesh and blood, To make my word and honour good;Till tir'd, and making truce at length, For new recruits of breath and strength, I felt the blows still ply'd as fast 275As th' had been by lovers plac'd, In raptures of platonick lashing, And chaste contemplative bardashing;When facing hastily about, To stand upon my guard and scout, 280I found th' infernal Cunning-man, And th' under-witch, his CALIBAN, With scourges (like the Furies) arm'd, That on my outward quarters storm'd. In haste I snatch'd my weapon up, 285And gave their hellish rage a stop;Call'd thrice upon your name, and fellCourageously on SIDROPHEL;Who, now transform'd himself a bear, Began to roar aloud, and tear; 290When I as furiously press'd on, My weapon down his throat to run;Laid hold on him; but he broke loose, And turn'd himself into a goose;Div'd under water, in a pond, 295To hide himself from being found. In vain I sought him; but, as soonAs I perceiv'd him fled and gone, Prepar'd with equal haste and rage, His Under-sorcerer t' engage. 300But bravely scorning to defileMy sword with feeble blood and vile, I judg'd it better from a quick-Set hedge to cut a knotted stick, With which I furiously laid on 305Till, in a harsh and doleful tone, It roar'd, O hold for pity, SirI am too great a sufferer, Abus'd, as you have been, b' a witch, But conjur'd into a worse caprich; 310Who sends me out on many a jaunt, Old houses in the night to haunt, For opportunities t' improveDesigns of thievery or love;With drugs convey'd in drink or meat, 315All teats of witches counterfeit;Kill pigs and geese with powder'd glass, And make it for enchantment pass;With cow-itch meazle like a leper, And choak with fumes of guiney pepper; 320Make leachers and their punks with dewtry, Commit fantastical advowtry;Bewitch Hermetick-men to runStark staring mad with manicon;Believe mechanick Virtuosi 325Can raise 'em mountains in POTOSI;And, sillier than the antick fools, Take treasure for a heap of coals:Seek out for plants with signatures, To quack of universal cures: 330With figures ground on panes of glassMake people on their heads to pass;And mighty heaps of coin increase, Reflected from a single piece, To draw in fools, whose nat'ral itches 335Incline perpetually to witches;And keep me in continual fears, And danger of my neck and ears;When less delinquents have been scourg'd, And hemp on wooden anvil forg'd, 340Which others for cravats have wornAbout their necks, and took a turn. 

I pity'd the sad punishmentThe wretched caitiff underwent, And left my drubbing of his bones, 345Too great an honour for pultrones;For Knights are bound to feel no blowsFrom paultry and unequal foes, Who, when they slash, and cut to pieces, Do all with civilest addresses: 350Their horses never give a blow, But when they make a leg, and bow. I therefore spar'd his flesh, and prest himAbout the witch with many a. Question. 

Quoth he, For many years he drove 355A kind of broking-trade in love;Employ'd in all th' intrigues, and trustOf feeble, speculative lust:Procurer to th' extravagancy, And crazy ribaldry of fancy, 360By those the Devil had forsook, As things below him to provoke. But b'ing a virtuoso, ableTo smatter, quack, and cant, and dabble, He held his talent most adroit 365For any mystical exploit;As others of his tribe had done, And rais'd their prices three to one:For one predicting pimp has th' oddsOf chauldrons of plain downright bawds. 370But as an elf (the Devil's valet)Is not so slight a thing to get;For those that do his bus'ness best, In hell are us'd the ruggedest;Before so meriting a person 375Cou'd get a grant, but in reversion, He serv'd two prenticeships, and longer, I' th' myst'ry of a lady-monger. For (as some write) a witch's ghost, As soon as from the body loos'd, 380Becomes a puney-imp itselfAnd is another witch's elf. He, after searching far and near, At length found one in LANCASHIREWith whom he bargain'd before-hand, 385And, after hanging, entertained;Since which h' has play'd a thousand feats, And practis'd all mechanick cheats, Transform'd himself to th' ugly shapesOf wolves and bears, baboons and apes, 390Which he has vary'd more than witches, Or Pharaoh's wizards cou'd their switches;And all with whom h' has had to do, Turn'd to as monstrous figures too. Witness myself, whom h' has abus'd, 395And to this beastly shape reduc'd, By feeding me on beans and pease, He crams in nasty crevices, And turns to comfits by his arts, To make me relish for disserts, 400And one by one, with shame and fear, Lick up the candy'd provender. Beside -- But as h' was running on, To tell what other feats h' had done, The Lady stopt his full career, 405And told him now 'twas time to hearIf half those things (said she) be true --They're all, (quoth he, ) I swear by you. Why then (said she, ) That SIDROPHELHas damn'd himself to th' pit of Hell; 410Who, mounted on a broom, the nagAnd hackney of a Lapland hag, In quest of you came hither post, Within an hour (I'm sure) at most;Who told me all you swear and say, 415Quite contrary another way;Vow'd that you came to him to knowIf you should carry me or no;And would have hir'd him, and his imps, To be your match-makers and pimps, 420T' engage the Devil on. Your side, And steal (like PROSERPINE) your bride. But he, disdaining to embrace. So filthy a design and base, You fell to vapouring and huffing 425And drew upon him like a ruffin;Surpriz'd him meanly, unprepar'd, Before h' had time to mount his guard;And left him dead upon the ground, With many a bruise and desperate wound: 430Swore you had broke and robb'd his house, And stole his talismanique louse, And all his new-found old inventions;. With flat felonious intentions;Which he could bring out where he had, 435And what he bought them for, and paid. His flea, his morpion, and punese, H' had gotten for his proper ease, And all perfect minutes made, By th' ablest artist of the trade; 440Which (he could prove it) since he lost, He has been eaten up almost;And all together might amountTo many hundreds on account;For which h' had got sufficient warrant 445To seize the malefactors errant, Without capacity of bail, But of a cart's or horse's tail;And did not doubt to bring the wretchesTo serve for pendulums to watches; 450Which, modern virtuosos say, Incline to hanging every way. Beside, he swore, and swore 'twas true, That, e're he went in quest of you, He set a figure to discover 455If you were fled to RYE or DOVER;And found it clear, that, to betrayYourselves and me, you fled this way;And that he was upon pursuit, To take you somewhere hereabout. 460He vow' d he had intelligenceOf all that past before and since;And found that, e'er you came to him, . Y' had been engaging life and limbAbout a case of tender conscience, 465Where both abounded in your own sense:Till RALPHO, by his light and grace, Had clear'd all scruples in the case;And prov'd that you might swear and ownWhatever's by the wicked done, 470For which, most basely to requiteThe service of his gifts and light, You strove to oblige him, by main force, To scourge his ribs instead of yours;But that he stood upon his guard, 475And all your vapouring out-dar'd;For which, between you both, the featHas never been perform'd as yet. 

While thus the Lady talk'd, the KnightTurn'd th' outside of his eyes to white; 480(As men of inward light are wontTo turn their opticks in upon 't)He wonder'd how she came to knowWhat he had done, and meant to do;Held up his affidavit-hand, 485As if h' had been to be arraign'd;Cast t'wards the door a look, In dread of SIDROPHEL, and spoke:

Madam, if but one word be trueOf all the Wizard has told you, 490Or but one single circumstanceIn all th' apocryphal romance, May dreadful earthquakes swallow downThis vessel, that is all your own;Or may the heavens fall, and cover 495These reliques of your constant lover. 

You have provided well, quoth she, (I thank you) for yourself and me, And shown your presbyterian witsJump punctual with the Jesuits; 500A most compendious way, and civil, At once to cheat the world, the Devil, And Heaven and Hell, yourselves, and thoseOn whom you vainly think t' impose. Why then (quoth he) may Hell surprize -- 505That trick (said she) will not pass twice:I've learn'd how far I'm to believeYour pinning oaths upon your sleeve. But there's a better way of clearingWhat you would prove than downright swearing: 510For if you have perform'd the feat, The blows are visible as yet, Enough to serve for satisfactionOf nicest scruples in the action:And if you can produce those knobs, 515Although they're but the witch's drubs, I'll pass them all upon account, As if your natural self had done'tProvided that they pass th' opinionOf able juries of old women 520Who, us'd to judge all matter of factsFor bellies, may do so for backs, Madam, (quoth he, ) your love's a million;To do is less than to be willing, As I am, were it in my power, 525T' obey, what you command, and more:But for performing what you bid, I thank you as much as if I did. You know I ought to have a careTo keep my wounds from taking air: 530For wounds in those that are all heart, Are dangerous in any part. 

I find (quoth she) my goods and chattelsAre like to prove but mere drawn battels;For still the longer we contend, 535We are but farther off the end. But granting now we should agree, What is it you expect from me?Your plighted faith (quoth he) and wordYou past in heaven on record, 540Where all contracts, to have and t' hold, Are everlastingly enroll'd:And if 'tis counted treason hereTo raze records, 'tis much more there. Quoth she, There are no bargains driv'n, 545Or marriages clapp'd up, in Heav'n, And that's the reason, as some guess, There is no heav'n in marriages;Two things that naturally pressToo narrowly to be at ease. 550Their bus'ness there is only love, Which marriage is not like t' improve:Love, that's too generous to abideTo be against its nature ty'd;Or where 'tis of itself inclin'd, 555It breaks loose when it is confin'd;And like the soul, it's harbourer. Debarr'd the freedom of the air, Disdains against its will to stay, But struggles out, and flies away; 560And therefore never can complyTo endure the matrimonial tie, That binds the female and the male, Where th' one is but the other's bail;Like Roman gaolers, when they slept, 565Chain'd to the prisoners they keptOf which the true and faithfull'st loverGives best security to suffer. Marriage is but a beast, some say, That carries double in foul way; 570And therefore 'tis not to b' admir'd, It should so suddenly be tir'd;A bargain at a venture made, Between two partners in a trade;(For what's inferr'd by t' have and t' hold, 575But something past away, and sold?)That as it makes but one of two, Reduces all things else as low;And, at the best, is but a martBetween the one and th' other part, 580That on the marriage-day is paid, Or hour of death, the bet is laid;And all the rest of better or worse, Both are but losers out of purse. For when upon their ungot heirs 585Th' entail themselves, and all that's theirs, What blinder bargain e'er was driv'n, Or wager laid at six and seven?To pass themselves away, and turnTheir childrens' tenants e're they're born? 590Beg one another idiotTo guardians, e'er they are begot;Or ever shall, perhaps, by th' one, Who's bound to vouch 'em for his own, Though got b' implicit generation, 595And gen'ral club of all the nation;For which she's fortify'd no lessThan all the island, with four seas;Exacts the tribute of her dower, in ready insolence and power; 600And makes him pass away to haveAnd hold, to her, himself, her slave, More wretched than an ancient villain, Condemn'd to drudgery and tilling;While all he does upon the by, 605She is not bound to justify, Nor at her proper cost and chargeMaintain the feats he does at large. Such hideous sots were those obedientOld vassals to their ladies regent; 610To give the cheats the eldest handIn foul play by the laws o' th' land;For which so many a legal cuckoldHas been run down in courts and truckeld:A law that most unjustly yokes 615All Johns of Stiles to Joans of Nokes, Without distinction of degree, Condition, age, or quality:Admits no power of revocation, Nor valuable consideration, 620Nor writ of error, nor reverseOf Judgment past, for better or worse:Will not allow the priviledgesThat beggars challenge under hedges, Who, when they're griev'd, can make dead horses 625Their spiritual judges of divorces;While nothing else but Rem in ReCan set the proudest wretches free;A slavery beyond enduring, But that 'tis of their own procuring. 630As spiders never seek the fly, But leave him, of himself, t' applySo men are by themselves employ'd, To quit the freedom they enjoy'd, And run their necks into a noose, 635They'd break 'em after, to break loose;As some whom Death would not depart, Have done the feat themselves by art;Like Indian widows, gone to bedIn flaming curtains to the dead; 640And men as often dangled for't, And yet will never leave the sport. Nor do the ladies want excuseFor all the stratagems they useTo gain the advantage of the set, 645And lurch the amorous rook and cheatFor as the Pythagorean soulRuns through all beasts, and fish and fowl, And has a smack of ev'ry one, So love does, and has ever done; 650And therefore, though 'tis ne'er so fond, Takes strangely to the vagabond. 'Tis but an ague that's reverst, Whose hot fit takes the patient first, That after burns with cold as much 655As ir'n in GREENLAND does the touch;Melts in the furnace of desireLike glass, that's but the ice of fire;And when his heat of fancy's over, Becomes as hard and frail a lover. 660For when he's with love-powder laden, And prim'd and cock'd by Miss or Madam, The smallest sparkle of an eyeGives fire to his artillery;And off the loud oaths go; but while 665They're in the very act, recoil. Hence 'tis so few dare take their chanceWithout a sep'rate maintenance;And widows, who have try'd one lover, Trust none again, 'till th' have made over; 670Or if they do, before they marry, The foxes weigh the geese they carry;And e're they venture o'er a stream, Know how to size themselves and them;Whence wittiest ladies always choose 675To undertake the heaviest gooseFor now the world is grown so wary, That few of either sex dare marry, But rather trust on tick t' amours, The cross and pile for better or worse; 680A mode that is held honourable, As well as French, and fashionable:For when it falls out for the best, Where both are incommoded least, In soul and body two unite, 685To make up one hermaphrodite, Still amorous, and fond, and billing, Like PHILIP and MARY on a shilling, Th' have more punctilios and caprichesBetween the petticoat and breeches, 690More petulant extravagances, Than poets make 'em in romances. Though when their heroes 'spouse the dames, We hear no more charms and flames:For then their late attracts decline, 695And turn as eager as prick'd wine;And all their catterwauling tricks, In earnest to as jealous piques;Which the ancients wisely signify'd, By th' yellow mantos of the bride: 700For jealousy is but a kindOf clap and grincam of the mind, The natural effects of love, As other flames and aches prove;But all the mischief is, the doubt 705On whose account they first broke out. For though Chineses go to bed, And lie in, in their ladies stead, And for the pains they took before, Are nurs'd and pamper'd to do more 710Our green men do it worse, when th' hapTo fail in labour of a clapBoth lay the child to one another:But who's the father, who the mother, 'Tis hard to say in multitudes, 715Or who imported the French goods. But health and sickness b'ing all one, Which both engag'd before to own, And are not with their bodies boundTo worship, only when they're sound, 720Both give and take their equal sharesOf all they suffer by false wares:A fate no lover can divertWith all his caution, wit, and art. For 'tis in vain to think to guess 725At women by appearances, That paint and patch their imperfectionsOf intellectual complexions, And daub their tempers o'er with washesAs artificial as their faces; 730Wear under vizard-masks their talentsAnd mother-wits before their gallants, Until they're hamper'd in the noose, Too fast to dream of breaking loose;When all the flaws they strove to hide 735Are made unready with the bride, That with her wedding-clothes undressesHer complaisance and gentilesses, Tries all her arts to take upon herThe government from th' easy owner; 740Until the wretch is glad to waveHis lawful right, and turn her slave;Find all his having, and his holding, Reduc'd t' eternal noise and scolding;The conjugal petard, that tears 745Down all portcullises of ears, And make the volley of one tongueFor all their leathern shields too strongWhen only arm'd with noise and nails, The female silk-worms ride the males, 750 Transform 'em into rams and goats, Like Sirens, with their charming notes;Sweet as a screech-owl's serenade, Or those enchanting murmurs madeBy th' husband mandrake and the wife, 755Both bury'd (like themselves) alive. 

Quoth he, These reasons are but strainsOf wanton, over-heated brainsWhich ralliers, in their wit, or drink, Do rather wheedle with than think 760Man was not man in paradise, Until he was created twice, And had his better half, his bride, Carv'd from the original, his side, T' amend his natural defects, 765And perfect his recruited sex;Inlarge his breed at once, and lessenThe pains and labour of increasing, By changing them for other cares, As by his dry'd-up paps appears. 770His body, that stupendous frame, Of all the world the anagramIs of two equal parts compact, In shape and symmetry exact, Of which the left and female side 775Is to the manly right a bride;Both join'd together with such art, That nothing else but death can part. Those heav'nly attracts of yours, your eyes, And face, that all the world surprize, 780That dazzle all that look upon ye, And scorch all other ladies tawny, Those ravishing and charming gracesAre all made up of two half faces, That in a mathematick line, 785Like those in other heavens, join, Of which if either grew alone, T' would fright as much to look upon:And so would that sweet bud your lip, Without the other's fellowship. 790Our noblest senses act by pairs;Two eyes to see; to hear, two ears;Th' intelligencers of the mind, To wait upon the soul design'd, But those that serve the body alone, 795Are single, and confin'd to one. The world is but two parts, that meetAnd close at th' equinoctial fit;And so are all the works of nature, Stamp'd with her signature on matter, 800Which all her creatures, to a leaf, Or smallest blade of grass receive;All which sufficiently declare, How entirely marriage is her care, The only method that she uses 805In all the wonders she produces:And those that take their rules from her, Can never be deceiv'd, nor err. For what secures the civil life, But pawns of children, and a wife? 810That lie like hostages at stake, To pay for all men undertake;To whom it is as necessaryAs to be born and breathe, to marry;So universal all mankind, 815In nothing else, is of one mind. For in what stupid age, or nation, Was marriage ever out of fashion?Unless among the Amazons, Or cloister'd friars, and vestal nuns; 820Or Stoicks, who to bar the freaksAnd loose excesses of the sex, Prepost'rously wou'd have all womenTurn'd up to all the world in common. Though men would find such mortal feuds, 825In sharing of their publick goods, 'Twould put them to more charge of lives, Than they're supply'd with now by wives;Until they graze, and wear their clothes, As beasts do, of their native growths: 830For simple wearing of their hornsWill not suffice to serve their turns. For what can we pretend t' inherit, Unless the marriage-deed will bear it?Could claim no right, to lands or rents, 835But for our parents' settlements;Had been but younger sons o' th' earth, Debarr'd it all, but for our birth. What honours or estates of peers, Cou'd be preserv'd but by their heirs 840And what security maintainsTheir right and title, but the banes?What crowns could be hereditary, If greatest monarchs did not marry. And with their consorts consummate 845Their weightiest interests of state?For all the amours of princes areBut guarantees of peace or war, Or what but marriage has a charmThe rage of empires to disarm, 850Make blood and desolation cease, And fire and sword unite in peace, When all their fierce contest for forageConclude in articles of marriage?Nor does the genial bed provide 855Less for the int'rests of the bride;Who else had not the least pretenceT' as much as due benevolence;Could no more title take upon herTo virtue, quality, and honour. 860Than ladies-errant, unconfin'd, And feme-coverts t' all mankindAll women would be of one piece, The virtuous matron and the miss;The nymphs of chaste Diana's train, 865The same with those in LEWKNER's Lane;But for the difference marriage makes'Twixt wives and ladies of the lakes;Besides the joys of place and birth, The sex's paradise on earth; 870A privilege so sacred held, That none will to their mothers yield;But rather than not go before, Abandon Heaven at the door. And if th' indulgent law allows 875A greater freedom to the spouse, The reason is, because the wifeRuns greater hazards of her life;Is trusted with the form and matterOf all mankind by careful nature; 880Where man brings nothing but the stuffShe frames the wond'rous fabric of;Who therefore, in a streight, may freelyDemand the clergy of her belly, And make it save her the same way 885It seldom misses to betray;Unless both parties wisely enterInto the liturgy indenture, And though some fits of small contestSometimes fall out among the best, 890That is no more than ev'ry loverDoes from his hackney-lady suffer;That makes no breach of faith and love, But rather (sometimes) serves t' improve. For as in running, ev'ry pace 895Is but between two legs a race, In which both do their uttermostTo get before, and win the post, Yet when they're at their race's ends, They're still as kind and constant friends, 900And, to relieve their weariness, By turns give one another ease;So all those false alarms of strifeBetween the husband and the wife, And little quarrels, often prove 905To be but new recruits of love;When those wh' are always kind or coy, In time must either tire or cloy. Nor are their loudest clamours more, Than as they're relish'd, sweet or sour; 910Like musick, that proves bad or good;According as 'tis understood. In all amours, a lover burnsWith frowns as well as smiles by turns;And hearts have been as aft with sullen 915As charming looks surpriz'd and stolen. Then why should more bewitching clamourSome lovers not as much enamour?For discords make the sweetest airsAnd curses are a kind of pray'rs; 920Too slight alloys for all those grandFelicities by marriage gain'd. For nothing else has pow'r to settleTh' interests of love perpetual;An act and deed, that that makes one heart 925Becomes another's counter-part, And passes fines on faith and love, Inroll'd and register'd above, To seal the slippery knots of vows, Which nothing else but death can loose. 930And what security's too strong, To guard that gentle heart from wrong, That to its friend is glad to passItself away, and all it has;And, like an anchorite, gives over 935This world for th' heaven of lover?I grant (quoth she) there are some fewWho take that course, and find it trueBut millions whom the same does sentenceTo heav'n b' another way -- repentance. 940Love's arrows are but shot at rovers;Though all they hit, they turn to lovers;And all the weighty consequentsDepend upon more blind events, Than gamesters, when they play a set 945With greatest cunning at piquet, Put out with caution, but take inThey know not what, unsight, unseen, For what do lovers, when they're fastIn one another's arms embrac't, 950But strive to plunder, and conveyEach other, like a prize, away?To change the property of selves, As sucking children are by elves?And if they use their persons so, 955What will they to their fortunes do?Their fortunes! the perpetual aimsOf all their extasies and flames. For when the money's on the book, And, All my worldly goods -- but spoke, 960(The formal livery and seisinThat puts a lover in possession, )To that alone the bridegroom's wedded;The bride a flam, that's superseded. To that their faith is still made good, 965And all the oaths to us they vow'd:For when we once resign our pow'rs, W' have nothing left we can call ours:Our money's now become the MissOf all your lives and services; 970And we forsaken, and postpon'd;But bawds to what before we own'd;Which, as it made y' at first gallant us, So now hires others to supplant us, Until 'tis all turn'd out of doors, 975(As we had been) for new amours;For what did ever heiress yetBy being born to lordships get?When the more lady sh' is of manours, She's but expos'd to more trepanners, 980Pays for their projects and designs, And for her own destruction fines;And does but tempt them with her riches, To use her as the Dev'l does witches;Who takes it for a special grace 985To be their cully for a space, That when the time's expir'd, the drazelsFor ever may become his vassals:So she, bewitch'd by rooks and spirits, Betrays herself, and all sh' inherits; 990Is bought and sold, like stolen goods, By pimps, and match-makers, and bawds, Until they force her to convey, And steal the thief himself away. These are the everlasting fruits 995Of all your passionate love-suits, Th' effects of all your amorous fanciesTo portions and inheritances;Your love-sick rapture for fruitionOf dowry, jointure, and tuition; 1000To which you make address and courtship;Ad with your bodies strive to worship, That th' infants' fortunes may partakeOf love too, for the mother's sake. For these you play at purposes, 1005And love your love's with A's and B's:For these at Beste and L'Ombre woo, And play for love and money too;Strive who shall be the ablest manAt right gallanting of a fan; 1010And who the most genteelly bredAt sucking of a vizard-head;How best t' accost us in all quarters;T' our question -- and -- command new GartersAnd solidly discourse upon 1015All sorts of dresses, Pro and Con. For there's no mystery nor trade, But in the art of love is made:And when you have more debts to payThan Michaelmas and Lady-Day, 1020And no way possible to do't, But love and oaths, and restless suit, To us y' apply to pay the scoresOf all your cully'd, past amours;Act o'er your flames and darts again, 1025And charge us with your wounds and pain;Which others influences long sinceHave charm'd your noses with and shins;For which the surgeon is unpaid, And like to be, without our aid. 1030Lord! what an am'rous thing is want!How debts and mortgages inchant!What graces must that lady haveThat can from executions save!What charms that can reverse extent, 1035And null decree and exigent!What magical attracts and graces, That can redeem from Scire facias!From bonds and statutes can discharge, And from contempts of courts enlarge! 1040These are the highest excellenciesOf all your true or false pretences:And you would damn yourselves, and swearAs much t' an hostess dowager, Grown fat and pursy by retail 1045Of pots of beer and bottled ale;And find her fitter for your turn;For fat is wondrous apt to burn;Who at your flames would soon take fire, Relent, and melt to your desire, 1050And like a candle in the socket, Dissolve her graces int' your pocket. 

By this time 'twas grown dark and late, When they heard a knocking at the gate, Laid on in haste with such a powder, 1055The blows grew louder still and louder;Which HUDIBRAS, as if th' had beenBestow'd as freely on his skin, Expounding, by his inward light, Or rather more prophetick fright, 1060To be the Wizard, come to search, And take him napping in the lurchTurn'd pale as ashes or a clout;But why or wherefore is a doubtFor men will tremble, and turn paler, 1065With too much or too little valour. His heart laid on, as if it try'dTo force a passage through his side, Impatient (as he vow'd) to wait 'em, But in a fury to fly at 'em; 1070And therefore beat, and laid about, To find a cranny to creep out. But she, who saw in what a takingThe Knight was by his furious quaking, Undaunted cry'd, Courage, Sir Knight; 1075Know, I'm resolv'd to break no riteOf hospitality t' a stranger;But, to secure you out of danger, Will here myself stand sentinel, To guard this pass 'gainst SIDROPHEL. 1080Women, you know, do seldom failTo make the stoutest men turn tail;And bravely scorn to turn their backsUpon the desp'ratest attacks. At this the Knight grew resolute 1085As IRONSIDE and HARDIKNUTEHis fortitude began to rally, And out he cry'd aloud to sally. But she besought him to conveyHis courage rather out o' th' way, 1090And lodge in ambush on the floor, Or fortify'd behind a door;That if the enemy shou'd enter, He might relieve her in th' adventure. 

Mean while they knock'd against the door 1095As fierce as at the gate before, Which made the Renegado KnightRelapse again t' his former fright. He thought it desperate to stayTill th' enemy had forc'd his way, 1100But rather post himself, to serveThe lady, for a fresh reserveHis duty was not to dispute, But what sh' had order'd execute;Which he resolv'd in haste t' obey, 1105And therefore stoutly march'd away;And all h' encounter'd fell upon, Though in the dark, and all alone;Till fear, that braver feats performsThan ever courage dar'd in arms, 1110Had drawn him up before a passTo stand upon his guard, and face:This he courageously invaded, And having enter'd, barricado'd, Insconc'd himself as formidable 1115As could be underneath a table, Where he lay down in ambush close, T' expect th' arrival of his foes. Few minutes he had lain perdue, To guard his desp'rate avenue, 1120Before he heard a dreadful shout, As loud as putting to the rout, With which impatiently alarm'd, He fancy'd th' enemy had storm'd, And, after ent'ring, SIDROPHEL 1125Was fall'n upon the guards pell-mellHe therefore sent out all his senses, To bring him in intelligences, Which vulgars, out of ignorance, Mistake for falling in a trance; 1130But those that trade in geomancy, Affirm to be the strength of fancy;In which the Lapland Magi deal, And things incredible reveal. Mean while the foe beat up his quarters, 1135And storm'd the out-works of his fortress:And as another, of the sameDegree and party, in arms and fame, That in the same cause had engag'd, At war with equal conduct wag'd, 1140By vent'ring only but to thrustHis head a span beyond his post, B' a gen'ral of the cavaliersWas dragg'd thro' a window by th' ears;So he was serv'd in his redoubt, 1145And by the other end pull'd out. 

Soon as they had him at their mercy, They put him to the cudgel fiercely, As if they'd scorn'd to trade or barter, By giving or by taking quarter: 1150They stoutly on his quarters laid, Until his scouts came in t' his aid. For when a man is past his sense, There's no way to reduce him thence, But twinging him by th' ears or nose, 1155Or laying on of heavy blows;And if that will not do the deed, To burning with hot irons proceed. No sooner was he come t' himself, But on his neck a sturdy elf 1160Clapp'd, in a trice, his cloven hoof, And thus attack'd him with reproof;Mortal, thou art betray'd to usB' our friend, thy Evil Genius, Who, for thy horrid perjuries, 1165Thy breach of faith, and turning lies, The Brethren's privilege (againstThe wicked) on themselves, the Saints, Has here thy wretched carcase sentFor just revenge and punishment; 1170Which thou hast now no way to lessen, But by an open, free confession;For if we catch thee failing once, 'Twill fall the heavier on thy bones. 

What made thee venture to betray, 1175And filch the lady's heart away?To Spirit her to matrimony? --That which contracts all matches -- money. It was th' inchantment oft her richesThat made m' apply t' your croney witches, 1180That, in return, wou'd pay th' expence, The wear and tear of conscience;Which I cou'd have patch'd up, and turn'd, For the hundredth part of what I earn'd. 

Didst thou not love her then? Speak true. 1185No more (quoth he) than I love you. --How would'st th' have us'd her, and her money? --First turn'd her up to alimony;And laid her dowry out in law, To null her jointure with a flaw, 1190Which I before-hand had agreedT' have put, on purpose in the deed;And bar her widow's making overT' a friend in trust, or private lover. 

What made thee pick and chuse her out, 1195T' employ their sorceries about? --That which makes gamesters play with thoseWho have least wit, and most to lose. 

But didst thou scourge thy vessel thus, As thou hast damn'd thyself to us? 1200

I see you take me for an ass:'Tis true, I thought the trick wou'd passUpon a woman well enough, As 't has been often found by proof, Whose humours are not to be won, 1205But when they are impos'd upon. For love approves of all they doThat stand for candidates, and woo. 

Why didst thou forge those shameful liesOf bears and witches in disguise? 1210

That is no more than authors giveThe rabble credit to believe:A trick of following their leaders, To entertain their gentle readers;And we have now no other way 1215Of passing all we do or sayWhich, when 'tis natural and true, Will be believ'd b' a very few, Beside the danger of offence, The fatal enemy of sense. 1220

Why did thou chuse that cursed sin, Hypocrisy, to set up in?

Because it is in the thriving'st calling, The only Saints-bell that rings all in;In which all churches are concern'd, 1225And is the easiest to be learn'd:For no degrees, unless th' employ't, Can ever gain much, or enjoy't:A gift that is not only ableTo domineer among the rabble, 1230But by the laws impower'd to rout, And awe the greatest that stand out;Which few hold forth against, for fearTheir hands should slip, and come too near;For no sin else among the Saints 1235Is taught so tenderly against. 

What made thee break thy plighted vows? --That which makes others break a house, And hang, and scorn ye all, beforeEndure the plague of being poor. 1240

Quoth he, I see you have more tricksThan all your doating politicks, That are grown old, and out of fashion, Compar'd with your New Reformation;That we must come to school to you, 1245To learn your more refin'd, and new. 

Quoth he, If you will give me leaveTo tell you what I now perceive, You'll find yourself an arrant chouse, If y' were but at a Meeting-House. -- 1250'Tis true, quoth he, we ne'er come there, Because, w' have let 'em out by th' year. 

Truly, quoth he, you can't imagineWhat wond'rous things they will engage inThat as your fellow-fiends in Hell 1255Were angels all before they fell, So are you like to be agen, Compar'd with th' angels of us men. 

Quoth he, I am resolv'd to beThy scholar in this mystery; 1260And therefore first desire to knowSome principles on which you go. 

What makes a knave a child of God, And one of us? -- A livelihood. What renders beating out of brains, 1265And murder, godliness? -- Great gains. 

What's tender conscience? -- 'Tis a botch, That will not bear the gentlest touch;But breaking out, dispatches moreThan th' epidemical'st plague-sore. 1270

What makes y' encroach upon our trade, And damn all others? -- To be paid. 

What's orthodox, and true, believingAgainst a conscience? -- A good living. 

What makes rebelling against Kings 1275A Good Old Cause? -- Administrings. 

What makes all doctrines plain and clear? --About two hundred pounds a year. 

And that which was prov'd true before, Prove false again? -- Two hundred more. 1280

What makes the breaking of all oathsA holy duty? -- Food and cloaths. 

What laws and freedom, persecution? --B'ing out of pow'r, and contribution. 

What makes a church a den of thieves? -- 1285A dean and chapter, and white sleeves. 

Ad what would serve, if those were gone, To make it orthodox? -- Our own. 

What makes morality a crime, The most notorious of the time; 1290Morality, which both the Saints, And wicked too, cry out against? --Cause grace and virtue are withinProhibited degrees of kinAnd therefore no true Saint allows, 1295They shall be suffer'd to espouse;For Saints can need no conscience, That with morality dispense;As virtue's impious, when 'tis rootedIn nature only, and not imputed 1300But why the wicked should do so, We neither know, or care to do. 

What's liberty of conscience, I' th' natural and genuine sense?'Tis to restore, with more security, 1305Rebellion to its ancient purity;And christian liberty reduceTo th' elder practice of the Jews. For a large conscience is all one, And signifies the same with none. 1310

It is enough (quoth he) for once, And has repriev'd thy forfeit bones:NICK MACHIAVEL had ne'er a trick, (Though he gave his name to our Old Nick, )But was below the least of these, 1315That pass i' th' world for holiness. 

This said, the furies and the lightIn th' instant vanish'd out of sight, And left him in the dark alone, With stinks of brimstone and his own. 1320

The Queen of Night, whose large commandRules all the sea, and half the land, And over moist and crazy brains, In high spring-tides, at midnight reigns, Was now declining to the west, 1325To go to bed, and take her rest;When HUDIBRAS, whose stubborn blowsDeny'd his bones that soft repose, Lay still expecting worse and more, Stretch'd out at length upon the floor; 1330And though he shut his eyes as fastAs if h' had been to sleep his last, Saw all the shapes that fear or wizardsDo make the Devil wear for vizards, And pricking up his ears, to hark 1335If he cou'd hear too in the dark, Was first invaded with a groanAnd after in a feeble tone, These trembling words: Unhappy wretch!What hast thou gotten by this fetch; 1340For all thy tricks, in this new trade, Thy holy brotherhood o' th' blade?By sauntring still on some adventure, And growing to thy horse a Centaure?To stuff thy skin with swelling knobs 1345Of cruel and hard-wooded drubs?For still th' hast had the worst on't yet, As well in conquest as defeat. Night is the sabbath of mankind, To rest the body and the mind, 1350Which now thou art deny'd to keep, And cure thy labour'd corpse with sleep. The Knight, who heard the words, explain'd, As meant to him, this reprimand, Because the character did hit 1355Point-blank upon his case so fit;Believ'd it was some drolling spright, That staid upon the guard that night, And one of those h' had seen, and feltThe drubs he had so freely dealt; 1360When, after a short pause and groan, The doleful Spirit thus went on:

This 'tis t' engage with dogs and bearsPell-mell together by the ears, And, after painful bangs and knocks, 1365To lie in limbo in the stocks, And from the pinnacle of gloryFall headlong into purgatory. 

(Thought he, this devil's full of malice, That in my late disasters rallies:) 1370Condemn'd to whipping, but declin'd it, By being more heroic-minded:And at a riding handled worse, With treats more slovenly and coarse:Engag'd with fiends in stubborn wars, 1375And hot disputes with conjurers;And when th' hadst bravely won the day, Wast fain to steal thyself away. 

(I see, thought he, this shameless elfWou'd fain steal me too from myself, 1380That impudently dares to ownWhat I have suffer'd for and done, )And now but vent'ring to betray, Hast met with vengeance the same way. 

Thought he, how does the Devil know 1385What 'twas that I design'd to do?His office of intelligence, His oracles, are ceas'd long since;And he knows nothing of the Saints, But what some treacherous spy acquaints. 1390This is some pettifogging fiend, Some under door-keeper's friend's friend, That undertakes to understand, And juggles at the second-hand;And now would pass for Spirit Po, 1395And all mens' dark concerns foreknow. I think I need not fear him for't;These rallying devils do no hurt. With that he rouz'd his drooping heart, And hastily cry'd out, What art? 1400A wretch (quoth he) whom want of graceHas brought to this unhappy place. 

I do believe thee, quoth the Knight;Thus far I'm sure th' art in the right;And know what 'tis that troubles thee, 1405Better than thou hast guess'd of me. Thou art some paultry, black-guard spright, Condemn'd to drudg'ry in the nightThou hast no work to do in th' houseNor half-penny to drop in shoes; 1410Without the raising of which sum, You dare not be so troublesome, To pinch the slatterns black and blue, For leaving you their work to do. This is your bus'ness good Pug-Robin; 1415And your diversion dull dry-bobbing, T' entice fanaticks in the dirt, And wash them clean in ditches for't;Of which conceit you are so proud, At ev'ry jest you laugh aloud, 1420As now you wou'd have done by me, But that I barr'd your raillery. 

Sir (quoth the voice) y'are no such SophiAs you would have the world judge of ye. If you design to weigh our talents 1425I' the standard of your own false balance, Or think it possible to knowUs ghosts as well as we do you;We, who have been the everlastingCompanions of your drubs and basting, 1430And never left you in contest, With male or female, man or beast, But prov'd as true t' ye, and entire, In all adventures, as your Squire. 

Quoth he, That may be said as true 1435By the idlest pug of all your crew:For none cou'd have betray'd us worseThan those allies of ours and yours. But I have sent him for a tokenTo your Low-Country HOGEN-MOGEN, 1440To whose infernal shores I hopeHe'll swing like skippers in a rope. And, if y' have been more just to me(As I am apt to think) than he, I am afraid it is as true, 1445What th' ill-affected say of you:Y' have spous'd the Covenant and Cause, By holding up your cloven paws. 

Sir, quoth the voice, 'tis true, I grant, We made and took the Covenant; 1450But that no more concerns the CauseThan other perj'ries do the laws, Which when they're prov'd in open court, Wear wooden peccadillo's for't:And that's the reason Cov'nanters 1455Hold up their hands like rogues at bars. 

I see, quoth HUDIBRAS, from whenceThese scandals of the Saints commence, That are but natural effectsOf Satan's malice, and his sects, 1460Those Spider-Saints, that hang by threads, Spun out o' th' intrails of their heads. 

Sir, quoth the voice, that may as trueAnd properly be said of you, Whose talents may compare with either, 1465Or both the other put together. For all the Independents do, Is only what you forc'd 'em to;You, who are not content aloneWith tricks to put the Devil down, 1470But must have armies rais'd to backThe gospel-work you undertake;As if artillery, and edge-tools, Were the only engines to save souls;While he, poor devil, has no pow'r 1475By force to run down and devour;Has ne'er a Classis; cannot sentenceTo stools or poundage of repentance;Is ty'd up only to design, T' entice, and tempt, and undermine, 1480In which you all his arts out-do, And prove yourselves his betters too. Hence 'tis possessions do less evilThan mere temptations of the Devil, Which, all the horrid'st actions done, 1485Are charg'd in courts of law upon;Because unless they help the elf, He can do little of himself;And therefore where he's best possess'dActs most against his interest; 1490Surprizes none, but those wh' have priestsTo turn him out, and exorcists, Supply'd with spiritual provision, And magazines of ammunitionWith crosses, relicks, crucifixes, 1495Beads, pictures, rosaries, and pixes;The tools of working our salvationBy mere mechanick operation;With holy water, like a sluice, To overflow all avenues. 1500But those wh' are utterly unarm'dT' oppose his entrance, if he storm'd, He never offers to surprize, Although his falsest enemies;But is content to be their drudge, 1505And on their errands glad to trudgeFor where are all your forfeituresEntrusted in safe hands but ours?Who are but jailors of the holes, 1510And dungeons where you clap up souls;Like under-keepers, turn the keys, T' your mittimus anathemas;And never boggle to restoreThe members you deliver o'reUpon demand, with fairer justice 1515Than all your covenanting Trustees;Unless to punish them the worse, You put them in the secular pow'rs, And pass their souls, as some demiseThe same estate in mortgage twice; 1520When to a legal UtlegationYou turn your excommunication, And for a groat unpaid, that's due, Distrain on soul and body too. 

Thought he, 'tis no mean part of civil 1525State prudence to cajole the DevilAnd not to handle him too rough, When h' has us in his cloven hoof. 

T' is true, quoth he, that intercourseHas pass'd between your friends and ours; 1530That as you trust us, in our way, To raise your members, and to lay, We send you others of our own, Denounc'd to hang themselves or drown;Or, frighted with our oratory, 1435To leap down headlong many a storyHave us'd all means to propagateYour mighty interests of state;Laid out our spiritual gifts to furtherYour great designs of rage and murther. 1540For if the Saints are nam'd from blood, We only have made that title good;And if it were but in our power, We should not scruple to do more, And not be half a soul behind 1545Of all dissenters of mankind. 

Right, quoth the voice, and as I scornTo be ungrateful, in returnOf all those kind good offices, I'll free you out of this distress, 1550And set you down in safety, whereIt is no time to tell you here. The cock crows, and the morn grows on, When 'tis decreed I must be gone;And if I leave you here till day, 1555You'll find it hard to get away. 

With that the Spirit grop'd about, To find th' inchanted hero out, And try'd with haste to lift him up;But found his forlorn hope, his crup, 1560Unserviceable with kicks and blows, Receiv'd from harden'd-hearted foes. He thought to drag him by the heels, Like Gresham carts, with legs for wheels;But fear, that soonest cures those sores 1565In danger of relapse to worse, Came in t' assist him with it's aidAnd up his sinking vessel weigh'd. No sooner was he fit to trudge, But both made ready to dislodge. 1570The Spirit hors'd him like a sackUpon the vehicle his back;And bore him headlong into th' hall, With some few rubs against the wallWhere finding out the postern lock'd, 1575And th' avenues as strongly block'd, H' attack'd the window, storm'd the glass, And in a moment gain'd the pass;Thro' which he dragg'd the worsted souldier'sFore-quarters out by the head and shoulders; 1580And cautiously began to scout, To find their fellow-cattle out. Nor was it half a minute's quest, E're he retriev'd the champion's beast, Ty'd to a pale, instead of rack; 1585But ne'er a saddle on his back, Nor pistols at the saddle-bow, Convey'd away the Lord knows how, He thought it was no time to stay, And let the night too steal away; 1590But in a trice advanc'd the KnightUpon the bare ridge, bolt upright:And groping out for RALPHO's jade, He found the saddle too was stray'd, And in the place a lump of soap, 1595On which he speedily leap'd up;And turning to the gate the rein, He kick'd and cudgell'd on amain. While HUDIBRAS, with equal haste, On both sides laid about as fast, 1600And spurr'd as jockies use to break, Or padders to secure, a neckWhere let us leave 'em for a time, And to their Churches turn our rhyme;To hold forth their declining state, 1605Which now come near an even rate. 

NOTES TO PART III. CANTO 1. 

15 a And more, &c. ] Caligula was one of the Emperors ofRome, son of Germanicus and Agrippina. He would needs passfor a god, and had the heads of the ancient statues of the godstaken off; and his own placed on in their stead; and used tostand between the statues of Castor and Pollux to beworshipped; and often bragged of lying with the Moon. 

43 b And us'd &c. ] Philters were love potions, reported to bemuch in request in former ages; but our true Knight-Errant Heromade use of no other but what his noble atchievements by hissword produced. 

52 c To th' Ordeal, &c. ] Ordeal trials were, when supposedcriminals, to discover their innocence, went over several red-hotcoulter irons. These were generally such whose chastity wassuspected, as the vestal virgins, &c. 

93 d So Spanish Heroes, &c. ] The young Spaniards signalizetheir valour before the Spanish ladies at bull feasts, which oftenprove very hazardous, and sometimes fatal to them. It isperformed by attacking of a wild bull, kept on purpose, and letloose at the combatant; and he that kills most, carries the laurel, and dwells highest in the ladies' favour. 

137 e To pawn, &c. ] His exterior ears were gone before, and soout of danger; but by inward ears is here meant his conscience. 

252 f Loud as, &c. ] Stentrophon: A speaking trumpet, by whichthe voice may be heard at a great distance, very useful at sea. 

276 g As if th' had, &c. ] This alludes to some abject letchers, who used to be disciplined with amorous lashes by theirmistresses. 

323 h Bewitch Hermetick Men, &c. ] Hermes Trismegistus, anEgyptian Philosopher, and said to have lived Anno Mundi 2076, in the reign of Ninus, after Moses. He was a wonderfulphilosopher and proved that there was but one God, the creatorof all things; and was the author of several most excellent anduseful inventions. But those Hermetick Men here mentioned, though the pretended sectators of this great man, are nothingelse but a wild and extravagant sort of enthusiasts, who make ahodge-podge of Religion and Philosophy, and produce nothingbut what is the object of every considering person's contempt. 

326 i Potosi. ] Potosi is a city of Peru, the mountains whereofafford great quantities of the finest silver in all the Indies. 

603 k More wretched, &c. ] Villainage was an antient tenure, bywhich the tenants were obliged to perform the most abject andslavish services for their lords. 

639 l Like Indian Widows, &c. ] The Indian women, richlyattired, are carried in a splendid and pompous machine to thefuneral pile where the bodies of their deceased husbands are tobe consumed, and there voluntarily throw themselves into it, and expire; and such as refuse, their virtue is ever aftersuspected, and they live in the utmost contempt. 

647 m For as the Pythagorean, &c. ] It was the opinion ofPythogoras and his followers, that, the soul transmigrated (asthey termed it) into all the diverse species of animals; and sowas differently disposed and affected, according to theirdifferent natures and constitutions. 

707 n For tho' Chineses, &c. ] The Chinese men of quality, whentheir wives are brought to bed, are nursed and tended with asmuch care as women here, and are supplied with the beststrengthening and nourishing diet, in order to qualify them forfuture services. 

751 o Transform them into Rams, &c. ] The Sirens according tothe poets, were three sea-monsters, half women and half fish:their names were Parthenope, Lignea and Leucosia. Their usualresidence was about the island of Sicily, where, by the charmingmelody of their voices, they used to detain those that heardthem, and then transform them into some sort of brute animals. 

755 p By the Husband Mandrake, &c. ] Naturalists report, thatif a male and female Mandrake lie near each other, there willoften be heard a sort of murmuring noise. 

797 q The World is but two Parts, &c. ] The equinoctial dividesthe globe into North and South. 

819 r Unless among the Amazons, &c. ] The Amazons werewomen of Scythia, of heroick and great atchievements. Theysuffered no men to live among them; but once every year usedto have conversation with men, of the neighbouring countries, by which if they had a male child, they presently either killed orcrippled it; but if a female, they brought it up to the use of arms, and burnt off one breast, leaving the other to suckle girls. 

865 s The Nymphs of chaste Diana's &c. ] Diana's Nymphs, allof whom vowed perpetual virginity, and were much celebratedfor the exact observation of their vow. 

866 t Lewkner's Lane. ] Some years ago swarmed withnotoriously lascivious and profligate strumpets. 

877 u The Reason of it is &c. ] Demanding the clergy of herbelly, which, for the reasons aforesaid, is pleaded in excuse bythose who take the liberty to oblige themselves and friends. 

1086 w As IRONSIDE or HARDIKNUTE, &c. ] Two famousand valiant princes of this country; the one a Saxon, the other aDane. 

1131 x But those that trade in Geomancy, &c. ] The LaplandMagi. The Laplanders are an idolatrous people, far North: and itis very credibly reported, by authors and persons that havetravelled in their country, that they do perform things incredibleby what is vulgarly called Magick. 

1158 y To burning with, &c. ] An allusion to cauterizing inapoplexies, &c. 

1321 z The Queen of Night, &c. ] The moon influences thetides, and predominates over all humid bodies; and personsdistempered in mind are called Lunaticks. 

1344 a And growing to thy Horse, &c. ] The Centaurs were apeople of Thessaly, and supposed to be the first managers ofhorses; and the neighbouring inhabitants never having seen anysuch thing before, fabulously reported them monsters, half menand half horses. 

1423 b Sir (quoth the Voice) &c. ] Sophi is at present the nameof the kings of Persia, not superadded, as Pharaoh was to thekings of Egypt, but the name of the family itself, and religion ofHali; whose descendants by Fatimas, Mahomet's daughter, tookthe name of Sophi. 

1451 c Wear wooden Peccadillos &c. ] Peccadillos were stiffpieces that went about the neck; and round about the shoulders, to pin the band, worn by persons nice in dressing; his woodenone is a pillory. 

1483 d Hence 'tis Possessions, &c. ] Criminals, in theirindictments, are charged with not having the fear of God beforetheir eyes, but being led by the instigation of the Devil. 

1521 e When to a legal Utlegation, &c. ] When they return theexcommunication into the Chancery, there is issued out a writagainst the person. 

1524 f Distrain on Soul, &c. ] Excommunication, whichdeprives men from being Members of the visible church, andformally delivers them up to the Devil. 

PART III

CANTO II. 

THE ARGUMENT. 

-------------------------------------------------The Saints engage in fierce ContestsAbout their Carnal interests;To share their sacrilegious Preys, According to their Rates of Grace;Their various Frenzies to reform, When Cromwel left them in a StormTill, in th' Effigy of Rumps, the RabbleBurns all their Grandees of the Cabal. -------------------------------------------------

THE learned write, an insect breezeIs but a mungrel prince of bees, That falls before a storm on cows, And stings the founders of his house;From whose corrupted flesh that breed 5Of vermin did at first proceed. So e're the storm of war broke out, Religion spawn'd a various routOf petulant Capricious sects, The maggots of corrupted texts, 10That first run all religion down, And after ev'ry swarm its own. For as the Persian Magi onceUpon their mothers got their sons, That were incapable t' enjoy 15That empire any other way;So PRESBYTER begot the otherUpon the good old Cause, his mother, Then bore then like the Devil's dam, Whose son and husband are the same. 20And yet no nat'ral tie of bloodNor int'rest for the common goodCou'd, when their profits interfer'd, Get quarter for each other's beard. For when they thriv'd, they never fadg'd, 25But only by the ears engag'd:Like dogs that snarl about a bone, And play together when they've none, As by their truest characters, Their constant actions, plainly appears. 30Rebellion now began, for lackOf zeal and plunders to grow slack;The Cause and covenant to lessen, And Providence to b' out of season:For now there was no more to purchase 35O' th' King's Revenue, and the Churches, But all divided, shar'd, and gone, That us'd to urge the Brethren on;Which forc'd the stubborn'st for the Cause, To cross the cudgels to the laws, 40That what by breaking them th' had gain'd. By their support might be maintain'd;Like thieves, that in a hemp-plot lieSecur'd against the hue-and-cry;For PRESBYTER and INDEPENDANT 45Were now turn'd plaintiff and defendant;Laid out their apostolic functionsOn carnal orders and injunctions;And all their precious Gifts and GracesOn outlawries and scire facias; 50At Michael's term had many a trial, Worse than the Dragon and St. Michael, Where thousands fell, in shape of fees, Into the bottomless abyss. For when like brethren, and like friends, 55They came to share their dividends, And ev'ry partner to possessHis Church and State Joint-Purchases, In which the ablest Saint, and best, Was nam'd in trust by all the rest, 60To pay their money; and, insteadOf ev'ry Brother, pass the deed;He strait converted all his giftsTo pious frauds and holy shifts;And settled all the other shares 65Upon his outward man and's heirs;Held all they claim'd as forfeit lands, Deliver'd up into his hands, And pass'd upon his conscience, By Pre-intail of Providence; 70Impeach'd the rest for reprobates, That had no titles to estates, But by their spiritual attaintsDegraded from the right of Saints. This b'ing reveal'd, they now begun 75With law and conscience to fall on, And laid about as hot and brain-sickAs th' Utter Barrister of SWANSWICK;Engag'd with moneybags as boldAs men with sand bags did of old; 80That brought the lawyers in more feesThan all unsanctify'd Trustees;Till he who had no more to showI' th' case receiv'd the overthrow;Or both sides having had the worst, 85They parted as they met at first. 

Poor PRESBYTER was now reduc'd, Secluded, and cashier'd, and chous'dTurn'd out, and excommunicateFrom all affairs of Church and State; 90Reform'd t' a reformado Saint, And glad to turn itinerant, To stroll and teach from town to town, And those he had taught up, teach down. And make those uses serve agen 95Against the new-enlighten'd men, As fit as when at first they wereReveal'd against the CAVALIER;Damn ANABAPTIST and FANATIC, As pat as Popish and Prelatic; 100And with as little variation, To serve for any Sect i' th' nation. The Good Old Cause, which some believeTo be the Dev'l that tempted EVEWith Knowledge, and does still invite 105The world to mischief with new Light, Had store of money in her purseWhen he took her for bett'r or worse;But now was grown deform'd and poor, And fit to be turn'd out of door. 110

The INDEPENDENTS (whose first stationWas in the rear of reformation, A mungrel kind of church-dragoons, That serv'd for horse and foot at once;And in the saddle of one steed 115The Saracen and Christian rid;Were free of ev'ry spiritual order, To preach, and fight, and pray, and murder)No sooner got the start to lurchBoth disciplines, of War and Church 120And Providence enough to runThe chief commanders of 'em down, But carry'd on the war againstThe common enemy o' th' Saints, And in a while prevail'd so far, 125To win of them the game of war, And be at liberty once moreT' attack themselves, as th' had before. 

For now there was no foe in arms, T' unite their factions with alarms, 130But all reduc'd and overcome, Except their worst, themselves at home, Wh' had compass'd all they pray'd, and swore, And fought, and preach'd, and plunder'd for;Subdu'd the Nation, Church, and State, 135And all things, but their laws and hate:But when they came to treat and transact, And share the spoil of all th' had ransackt, To botch up what th' had torn and rent, Religion and the Government, 140They met no sooner, but prepar'dTo pull down all the war had spar'dAgreed in nothing, but t' abolish, Subvert, extirpate, and demolish. For knaves and fools b'ing near of kin 145As Dutch Boors are t' a Sooterkin, Both parties join'd to do their bestTo damn the publick interest, And herded only in consults, To put by one another's bolts; 150T' out-cant the Babylonian labourers, At all their dialects of jabberers, And tug at both ends of the saw, To tear down Government and Law. For as two cheats, that play one game, 155Are both defeated of their aim;So those who play a game of state, And only cavil in debate, Although there's nothing lost or won, The publick bus'ness is undone; 160Which still the longer 'tis in doing, Becomes the surer way to ruin. 

This, when the ROYALISTS perceiv'd, (Who to their faith as firmly cleav'd, And own'd the right they had paid down 165So dearly for, the Church and Crown, )Th' united constanter, and sidedThe more, the more their foes divided. For though out-number'd, overthrownAnd by the fate of war run down) 170Their duty never was defeated, Nor from their oaths and faith retreated;For loyalty is still the same, Whether it win or lose the game;True as the dial to the sun, 175Although it be not shin'd upon. But when these brethren in evil, Their adversaries, and the Devil, Began once more to shew them play, And hopes, at least, to have a day, 180They rally'd in parades of woods, And unfrequented solitudes;Conven'd at midnight in out-houses, T' appoint new-rising rendezvouzes, And with a pertinacy unmatch'd, 185For new recruits of danger watch'd. No sooner was one blow diverted, But up another party started;And, as if nature too, in hasteTo furnish out supplies as fast, 190Before her time, had turn'd destructionT' a new and numerous production, No sooner those were overcome, But up rose others in their room, That, like the Christian faith, increast 195The more, the more they were supprestWhom neither chains, nor transportation, Proscription, sale, or confiscation, Nor all the desperate eventsOf former try'd experiments 200Nor wounds cou'd terrify, nor mangling, To leave off loyalty and dangling;Nor death (with all his bones) affrightFrom vent'ring to maintain the right, From staking life and fortune down 205'Gainst all together, for the Crown;But kept the title of their causeFrom forfeiture, like claims in lawsAnd prov'd no prosp'rous usurpationCan ever settle in the nation; 210Until, in spight of force and treason, They put their loyalty in possession;And by their constancy and faith, Destroy 'd the mighty men of Gath. 

Toss'd in a furious hurricane, 215Did OLIVER give up his reign;And was believ'd, as well by Saints, As mortal men and miscreants, To founder in the Stygian Ferry;Until he was retriev'd by STERRY, 220Who, in a faise erroneous dream, Mistook the New JerusalemProphanely for the apocryphal False Heaven at the end o' th' Hall;Whither it was decreed by Fate 225His precious reliques to translate. So ROMULUS was seen beforeB' as orthodox a Senator;From whose divine illuminationHe stole the Pagan revelation. 230

Next him his Son and Heir ApparentSucceeded, though a lame vicegerent;Who first laid by the Parliament, The only crutch on which he leant;And then sunk underneath the State, 235That rode him above horseman's weight. 

And now the Saints began their reign, For which th' had yearn'd so long in vain, And felt such bowel-hankerings, To see an empire all of Kings. 240Deliver'd from the Egyptian aweOf Justice, Government, and Law, And free t' erect what spiritual CantonsShould be reveal'd, or Gospel Hans-Towns, To edify upon the ruins 245Of JOHN of LEYDEN'S old Out-goings;Who for a weather-cock hung up, Upon the Mother Church's top;Was made a type, by Providence, Of all their revelations since; 250And now fulfill'd by his successors, Who equally mistook their measuresFor when they came to shape the model, Not one could fit another's noddle;But found their Light and Gifts more wide 255From fadging than th' unsanctify'd;While ev'ry individual brotherStrove hand to fist against another;And still the maddest, and most crackt, Were found the busiest to transact 260For though most hands dispatch apace, And make light work, (the proverb says, )Yet many diff'rent intellectsAre found t' have contrary effects;And many heads t' obstruct intrigues, 265As slowest insects have most legs. 

Some were for setting up a King;But all the rest for no such thing, Unless KING JESUS. Others tamper'dFor FLEETWOOD, DESBOROUGH, and LAMBERT; 270Some for the Rump; and some, more crafty, For Agitators, and the safety;Some for the Gospel, and massacresOf Spiritual Affidavit-makers, That swore to any human regence, 275Oaths of supremacy and allegiance;Yea, though the ablest swearing SaintThat vouch'd the Bulls o' th' Covenant:Others for pulling down th' high-placesOf Synods and Provincial Classes, 280That us'd to make such hostile inroadsUpon the Saints, like bloody NIMRODSSome for fulfilling prophecies, And th' expiration of th' exciseAnd some against th' Egyptian bondage 285Of holy-days, and paying poundage:Some for the cutting down of groves, And rectifying bakers' loaves:And some for finding out expedientsAgainst the slav'ry of obedience. 290Some were for Gospel Ministers, And some for Red-coat Seculars, As men most fit t' hold forth the word, And wield the one and th' other sword. Some were for carrying on the work 295Against the Pope, and some the Turk;Some for engaging to suppress, The Camisado of surplices, That gifts and dispensations hinder'd, And turn'd to th' Outward Man the Inward; 300More proper for the cloudy nightOf Popery than Gospel Light. Others were for abolishingThat tool of matrimony, a ring, With which th' unsanctify'd bridegroom 305Is marry'd only to a thumb;(As wise as ringing of a pig, That us'd to break up ground, and dig;)The bride to nothing but her will, That nulls the after-marriage still 310Some were for th' utter extirpationOf linsey-woolsey in the nation;And some against all idolizingThe Cross in shops-books, or BaptizingOthers to make all things recant 315The Christian or Surname of Saint;And force all churches, streets, and towns, The holy title to renounce. Some 'gainst a Third Estate of Souls, And bringing down the price of coals: 320Some for abolishing black-pudding, And eating nothing with the blood in;To abrogate them roots and branches;While others were for eating haunchesOf warriors, and now and then, 325The flesh of Kings and mighty menAnd some for breaking of their bonesWith rods of ir'n, by secret ones:For thrashing mountains, and with spellsFor hallowing carriers' packs and bells: 330Things that the legend never heard of, But made the wicked sore afear'd of. 

The quacks of Government (who sateAt th' unregarded helm of State, And understood this wild confusion 335Of fatal madness and delusion, Must, sooner than a prodigy, Portend destruction to be nigh)Consider'd timely how t' withdraw, And save their wind-pipes from the law; 340For one rencounter at the barWas worse than all th' had 'scap'd in war;And therefore met in consultationTo cant and quack upon the nation;Not for the sickly patient's sake, 345For what to give, but what to take;To feel the pulses of their fees, More wise than fumbling arteries:Prolong the snuff of life in pain, And from the grave recover -- Gain. 350

'Mong these there was a politicianWith more heads than a beast in vision, And more intrigues in ev'ry oneThan all the whores of Babylon:So politic, as if one eye 355Upon the other were a spy, That, to trepan the one to thinkThe other blind, both strove to blink;And in his dark pragmatick way, As busy as a child at play. 360H' had seen three Governments run down, And had a hand in ev'ry one;Was for 'em and against 'em all, But barb'rous when they came to fallFor, by trepanning th' old to ruin, 365He made his int'rest with the new onePlay'd true and faithful, though againstHis conscience, and was still advanc'd. For by the witchcraft of rebellionTransform'd t' a feeble state-camelion, 370By giving aim from side to side, He never fail'd to save his tide, But got the start of ev'ry state, And at a change ne'er came too late;Cou'd turn his word, and oath, and faith, 375As many ways as in a lath;By turning, wriggle, like a screw, Int' highest trust, and out, for new. For when h' had happily incurr'd, Instead of hemp, to be preferr'd, 380And pass'd upon a government, He pay'd his trick, and out he wentBut, being out, and out of hopesTo mount his ladder (more) of ropes, Wou'd strive to raise himself upon 385The publick ruin, and his own;So little did he understandThe desp'rate feats he took in hand. For when h' had got himself a nameFor fraud and tricks, he spoil'd his game; 390Had forc'd his neck into a noose, To shew his play at fast and loose;And when he chanc'd t' escape, mistookFor art and subtlety, his luck. So right his judgment was cut fit, 395And made a tally to his wit, And both together most profoundAt deeds of darkness under-ground;As th' earth is easiest undermin'dBy vermin impotent and blind. 400

By all these arts, and many more, H' had practis'd long and much before, Our state artificer foresawWhich way the world began to draw. For as old sinners have all points 405O' th' compass in their bones and joints, Can by their pangs and aches findAll turns and changes of the wind, And better than by NAPIER's bonesFeel in their own the age of moons; 410So guilty sinners in a stateCan by their crimes prognosticate, And in their consciences feel painSome days before a show'r of rain. He therefore wisely cast about, 415All ways he cou'd, t' ensure his throat;And hither came, t' observe and smokeWhat courses other riskers tookAnd to the utmost do his bestTo save himself, and hang the rest. 420To match this Saint, there was anotherAs busy and perverse a Brother, An haberdasher of small waresIn politicks and state affairs;More Jew than Rabbi ACHITOPHEL, 425And better gifted to rebel:For when h' had taught his tribe to 'spouseThe Cause, aloft, upon one house, He scorn'd to set his own in order, But try'd another, and went further; 430So suddenly addicted stillTo's only principle, his will, That whatsoe'er it chanc'd to prove, Nor force of argument cou'd move;Nor law, nor cavalcade of Holborn, 435Could render half a grain less stubborn. For he at any time would hangFor th' opportunity t' harangue;And rather on a gibbet dangle, Than miss his dear delight, to wrangle; 440In which his parts were so accomplisht, That, right or wrong, he ne'er was non-plusht;But still his tongue ran on, the lessOf weight it bore, with greater ease;And with its everlasting clack 445Set all men's ears upon the rack. No sooner cou'd a hint appear, But up he started to picqueer, And made the stoutest yield to mercy, When he engag'd in controversy. 450Not by the force of carnal reason, But indefatigable teazing;With vollies of eternal babble, And clamour, more unanswerable. For though his topics, frail and weak, 455Cou'd ne'er amount above a freak, He still maintain'd 'em, like his faults, Against the desp'ratest assaults;And back'd their feeble lack of sense, With greater heat and confidence? 460As bones of Hectors, when they differ, The more they're cudgel'd grow the stiffer. Yet when his profit moderated, The fury of his heat abated. For nothing but his interest 465Cou'd lay his Devil of Contest. It was his choice, or chance; or curse, T' espouse the Cause for bett'r or worse, And with his worldly goods and wit, And soul and body, worship'd it: 470But when he found the sullen trapesPossess'd with th' Devil, worms, and claps;The Trojan mare, in foal with Greeks, Not half so full of jadish tricks;Though squeamish in her outward woman, 475As loose and rampant as Dol Common;He still resolv'd to mend the matter, T' adhere and cleave the obstinater;And still the skittisher and looserHer freaks appear'd, to sit the closer. 480For fools are stubborn in their way, As coins are harden'd by th' allay:And obstinacy's ne'er so stiffAs when 'tis in a wrong belief. These two, with others, being met, 485And close in consultation set, After a discontented pause, And not without sufficient cause, The orator we nam'd of late, Less troubled with the pangs of State 490Than with his own impatience, To give himself first audience, After he had a while look'd wise, At last broke silence, and the ice. 

Quoth he, There's nothing makes me doubt 495Our last out-goings brought about, More than to see the charactersOf real jealousies and fearsNot feign'd, as once, but, sadly horrid, Scor'd upon ev'ry Member's forehead; 500Who, 'cause the clouds are drawn together, And threaten sudden change of weather, Feel pangs and aches of state-turns, And revolutions in their corns;And, since our workings-out are cross'd, 505Throw up the Cause before 'tis lost. Was it to run away we meant, When, taking of the Covenant, The lamest cripples of the brothersTook oaths to run before all others; 510But in their own sense only sworeTo strive to run away before;And now would prove, that words and oathEngage us to renounce them both?'Tis true, the Cause is in the lurch, 515Between a Right and Mungrel-Church;The Presbyter and Independent, That stickle which shall make an end on't;As 'twas made out to us the lastExpedient -- ( I mean Marg'ret's Fast, ) 520When Providence had been suborn'd, What answer was to be return'd. Else why should tumults fright us now, We have so many times come through?And understand as well to tame, 525As when they serve our turns t'inflame:Have prov'd how inconsiderableAre all engagements of the rabble, Whose frenzies must be reconcil'dWith drums and rattles, like a child; 530But never prov'd so prosperousAs when they were led on by usFor all our scourging of religionBegan with tumult and sedition;When hurricanes of fierce commotion 535Became strong motives to devotion;(As carnal seamen, in a storm, Turn pious converts, and reform;)When rusty weapons, with chalk'd edges, Maintain'd our feeble privileges; 540And brown-bills levy'd in the City, Made bills to pass the Grand Committee;When zeal, with aged clubs and gleaves, Gave chace to rochets and white sleeves, And made the Church, and State, and Laws, 545Submit t' old iron and the Cause. And as we thriv'd by tumults then, So might we better now agen, If we knew how, as then we did, To use them rightly in our need: 550Tumults, by which the mutinousBetray themselves instead of us. The hollow-hearted, disaffected, And close malignant are detected, Who lay their lives and fortunes down 555For pledges to secure our own;And freely sacrifice their earsT' appease our jealousies and fears;And yet, for all these providencesW' are offer'd, if we had our senses; 560We idly sit like stupid blockheads, Our hands committed to our pockets;And nothing but our tongues at large, To get the wretches a discharge:Like men condemn'd to thunder-bolts, 565Who, ere the blow, become mere dolts;Or fools besotted with their crimes, That know not how to shift betimes, And neither have the hearts to stay, Nor wit enough to run away; 570Who, if we cou'd resolve on either, Might stand or fall at least together;No mean or trivial solaceTo partners in extreme distress;Who us'd to lessen their despairs, 575By parting them int' equal shares;As if the more they were to bear, They felt the weight the easier;And ev'ry one the gentler hung, The more he took his turn among. 580But 'tis not come to that, as yet, If we had courage left, or wit;Who, when our fate can be no worse, Are fitted for the bravest course;Have time to rally, and prepare 585Our last and best defence, despair;Despair, by which the gallant'st featsHave been atchiev'd in greatest straits, And horrid'st danger safely wav'd, By being courageously out-brav'd; 590As wounds by wider wounds are heal'd, And poisons by themselves expell'd:And so they might be now agen, If we were, what we shou'd be, men;And not so dully desperate, 595To side against ourselves with Fate;As criminals, condemn'd to suffer, Are blinded first, and then turn'd over. This comes of breaking Covenants, And setting up Exauns of Saints, 600That fine, like aldermen, for grace, To be excus'd the efficace. For Spiritual men are too transcendent, That mount their banks for Independent, To hang like MAHOMET in th' air, 605Or St. IGNATIUS at his prayer, By pure geometry, and hateDependence upon Church or State;Disdain the pedantry o' th' letter;And since obedience is better 610(The Scripture says) than sacrifice, Presume the less on't will suffice;And scorn to have the moderat'st stintsPrescrib'd their peremptory hints, Or any opinion, true or false, 615Declar'd as such, in doctrinalsBut left at large to make their best on, Without b'ing call'd t' account or question, Interpret all the spleen reveals;As WHITTINGTON explain'd the bells; 620And bid themselves turn back agenLord May'rs of New Jerusalem;But look so big and over-grown, They scorn their edifiers t' own, Who taught them all their sprinkling lessons, 625Their tones, and sanctified expressionsBestow'd their Gifts upon a Saint, Like Charity on those that want;And learn'd th' apocryphal bigotsT' inspire themselves with short-hand notes; 630For which they scorn and hate them worseThan dogs and cats do sow-gelders. For who first bred them up to pray, And teach, the House of Commons Way?Where had they all their gifted phrases, 635But from our CALAMYS and CASES?Without whose sprinkling and sowing, Who e'er had heard of NYE or OWEN?Their dispensations had been stifled, But for our ADONIRAM BYFIELD; 640And had they not begun the war, Th' had ne'er been sainted, as they are:For Saints in peace degenerate, And dwindle down to reprobate;Their zeal corrupts, like standing water, 645In th' intervals of war and slaughter;Abates the sharpness of its edge, Without the power of sacrilege. And though they've tricks to cast their sinsAs easy as serpents do their skins, 650That in a while grow out agen, In peace they turn mere carnal men, And from the most refin'd of saints, As naturally grow miscreants, As barnacles turn SOLAND geese 655In th' Islands of the ORCADES. Their dispensation's but a ticket, For their conforming to the wicked;With whom the greatest differenceLies more in words, and shew, than sense. 660For as the Pope, that keeps the gateOf Heaven, wears three crowns of state;So he that keeps the gate of Hell, Proud CERBERUS, wears three heads as well;And if the world has any troth 665Some have been canoniz'd in both. But that which does them greatest harm, Their spiritual gizzards are too warm, Which puts the over-heated sotsIn fevers still, like other goats. 670For though the Whore bends HereticksWith flames of fire, like crooked sticks, Our Schismaticks so vastly differ, Th' hotter th' are, they grow the stiffer;Still setting off their spiritual goods 675With fierce and pertinacious feuds. For zeal's a dreadful termagant, That teaches Saints to tear and rant, And Independents to professThe doctrine of dependences: 680Turns meek, and secret, sneaking ones, To raw-heads fierce and bloody-bones:And, not content with endless quarrelsAgainst the wicked, and their morals, The GIBELLINES, for want of GUELPHS, 685Divert their rage upon themselves. For now the war is not betweenThe Brethren and the Men of Sin, But Saint and Saint, to spill the bloodOf one another's brotherhood; 690Where neither side can lay pretenceTo liberty of conscience, Or zealous suff'ring for the cause, To gain one groat's-worth of applause;For though endur'd with resolution, 695'Twill ne'er amount to persecution. Shall precious Saints, and secret ones, Break one another's outward bones, And eat the flesh of Brethren, Instead of Kings and mighty men? 700When fiends agree among themselves, Shall they be found the greatest elves?When BELL's at union with the DRAGON, And BAAL-PEOR friends with DAGON, When savage bears agree with bears, 705Shall secret ones lug Saints by th' ears, And not atone their fatal wrath, When common danger threatens both?Shall mastiffs, by the coller pull'd, Engag'd with bulls, let go their hold, 710And Saints, whose necks are pawn'd at stake, No notice of the danger take?But though no pow'r of Heav'n or HellCan pacify phanatick zeal, Who wou'd not guess there might be hopes, 715The fear of gallowses and ropes, Before their eyes, might reconcileTheir animosities a while;At least until th' had a clear stage, And equal freedom to engage, 720Without the danger of surprizeBy both our common enemies?

This none but we alone cou'd doubt, Who understand their workings out;And know them, both in soul and conscience, 725Giv'n up t' as reprobate a nonsenseAs spiritual out-laws, whom the pow'rOf miracle can ne'er restoreWe, whom at first they set up under, In revelation only of plunder, 730Who since have had so many trialsOf their encroaching self-denials, That rook'd upon us with designTo out-reform, and undermine;Took all our interest and commands 735Perfidiously out of our hands;Involv'd us in the guilt of bloodWithout the motive gains allow'd, And made us serve as ministerial, Like younger Sons of Father BELIAL; 740And yet, for all th' inhuman wrongTh' had done us and the Cause so long, We never fail to carry onThe work still as we had begun;But true and faithfully obey'd 745And neither preach'd them hurt, nor pray'd;Nor troubled them to crop our ears, Nor hang us like the cavaliers;Nor put them to the charge of gaols, To find us pill'ries and cart's-tails, 750Or hangman's wages, which the StateWas forc'd (before them) to be at, That cut, like tallies, to the stumps, Our ears for keeping true accompts, And burnt our vessels, like a new 755Seal'd peck, or bushel, for b'ing true;But hand in hand, like faithful brothers, Held for the Cause against all others, Disdaining equally to yieldOne syllable of what we held, 760And though we differ'd now and then'Bout outward things, and outward men, Our inward men, and constant frameOf spirit, still were near the same;And till they first began to cant 765And sprinkle down the Covenant, We ne'er had call in any place, Nor dream'd of teaching down free grace, But join'd our gifts perpetuallyAgainst the common enemy. 770Although 'twas ours and their opinion, Each other's Church was but a RIMMON;And yet, for all this gospel-union, And outward shew of Church-communion, They'll ne'er admit us to our shares 775Of ruling Church or State affairs;Nor give us leave t' absolve, or sentenceT' our own conditions of repentance;But shar'd our dividend o' th' Crown, We had so painfully preach'd down; 780And forc'd us, though against the grain, T' have calls to teach it up again:For 'twas but justice to restoreThe wrongs we had receiv'd before;And when 'twas held forth in our way, 785W' had been ungrateful not to pay;Who, for the right w' have done the nation, Have earn'd our temporal salvation;And put our vessels in a wayOnce more to come again in play. 790For if the turning of us outHas brought this Providence about, And that our only sufferingIs able to bring in the King, What would our actions not have done, 795Had we been suffer'd to go on?And therefore may pretend t' a share, At least; in carrying on th' affair. But whether that be so, or not, W' have done enough to have it thought; 800And that's as good as if w' had done't, And easier pass't upon account:For if it be but half deny'd, 'Tis half as good as justifi'd. The world is nat'rally averse 805To all the truth it sees or hearsBut swallows nonsense, and a lie, With greediness and gluttonyAnd though it have the pique, and long, 'Tis still for something in the wrong; 810As women long, when they're with child, For things extravagant and wild;For meats ridiculous and fulsome, But seldom any thing that's wholesome;And, like the world, men's jobbernoles 815Turn round upon their ears, the poles;And what they're confidently told, By no sense else can be control'd. And this, perhaps, may prove time meansOnce more to hedge-in Providence, 820For as relapses make diseasesMore desp'rate than their first accesses, If we but get again in pow'r, Our work is easier than beforeAnd we more ready and expert 825I' th' mystery to do our part. We, who did rather undertakeThe first war to create than make, And when of nothing 'twas begun, Rais'd funds as strange to carry 't on; 830Trepann'd the State, and fac'd it downWith plots and projects of our own;And if we did such feats at first, What can we now we're better vers'd?Who have a freer latitude, 835Than sinners give themselves, allow'd, And therefore likeliest to bring in, On fairest terms, our discipline;To which it was reveal'd long since, We were ordain'd by Providence; 840When three Saints Ears, our predecessors, The Cause's primitive Confessors, B'ing crucify'd, the nation stoodIn just so many years of blood;That, multiply'd by six, exprest 845The perfect number of the beast, And prov'd that we must be the menTo bring this work about agen;And those who laid the first foundation, Compleat the thorough Reformation: 850For who have gifts to carry onSo great a work, but we alone?What churches have such able pastors, And precious, powerful, preaching masters?Possess'd with absolute dominions 855O'er brethren's purses and opinions?And trusted with the double keysOf Heaven and their warehouses;Who, when the Cause is in distress, Can furnish out what sums they please, 860That brooding lie in bankers' hands, To be dispos'd at their commands;And daily increase and multiply, With doctrine, use, and usury:Can fetch in parties (as in war 865All other heads of cattle are)From th' enemy of all religions, As well as high and low conditions, And share them, from blue ribbands, downTo all blue aprons in the town; 870From ladies hurried in calleches, With cor'nets at their footmens' breeches, To bawds as fat as Mother Nab;All guts and belly, like a crab. Our party's great, and better ty'd 875With oaths and trade than any side, Has one considerable improvement, To double fortify the Cov'nant:I mean our Covenant to purchaseDelinquents titles, and the Churches; 880That pass in sale, from hand to hand, Among ourselves, for current land;And rise or fall, like Indian actions, According to the rate of factionsOur best reserve for Reformation, 885When new out-goings give occasion;That keeps the loins of Brethren girtThe Covenant (their creed) t' assert;And when th' have pack'd a Parliament, Will once more try th' expedient: 890Who can already muster friends, To serve for members, to our ends, That represent no part o' th' nation, But Fisher's-Folly Congregation;Are only tools to our intrigues, 895And sit like geese to hatch our eggs;Who, by their precedents of wit, T' out-fast, out-loiter, and out-sit, Can order matters underhand, To put all bus'ness to a stand; 900Lay publick bills aside for private, And make 'em one another drive out;Divert the great and necessary, With trifles to contest and vary;And make the Ration represent, 905And serve for us, in ParliamentCut out more work than can be done. In PLATO'S year, but finish none;Unless it be the Bulls of LENTHAL, That always pass'd for fundamental; 910Can set up grandee against grandee, To squander time away, and bandy;Make Lords and Commoners lay siegesTo one another's privileges, And, rather than compound the quarrel, 915Engage to th' inevitable perilOf both their ruins; th' only scopeAnd consolation of our hope;Who though we do not play the game, Assist as much by giving aim: 920Can introduce our ancient arts, For heads of factions t' act their parts;Know what a leading voice is worth, A seconding, a third, or fourthHow much a casting voice comes to, 925That turns up trump, of ay, or no;And, by adjusting all at th' end, Share ev'ry one his dividendAn art that so much study cost, And now's in danger to be lost, 930Unless our ancient virtuosos, That found it out, get into th' Houses. These are the courses that we tookTo carry things by hook or crook;And practis'd down from forty-four, 935Until they turn'd us out of doorBesides the herds of BoutefeusWe set on work without the House;When ev'ry knight and citizenKept legislative journeymen, 940To bring them in intelligenceFrom all points of the rabble's sense, And fill the lobbies of both HousesWith politick important buzzes:Set committees of cabals, 945To pack designs without the walls;Examine, and draw up all news, And fit it to our present use. Agree upon the plot o' th' farce, And ev'ry one his part rehearse, 950Make Q's of answers, to way-layWhat th' other pasties like to sayWhat repartees, and smart reflections, Shall be return'd to all objections;And who shall break the master-jest, 955And what, and how, upon the restHeld pamphlets out, with safe editions, Of proper slanders and seditions;And treason for a token send, By Letter to a Country Friend; 960Disperse lampoons, the only witThat men, like burglary, commit;Wit falser than a padder's face, That all its owner does betrays;Who therefore dares not trust it when 965He's in his calling to be seen;Disperse the dung on barren earth, To bring new weeds of discord forth;Be sure to keep up congregations, In spight of laws and proclamations: 970For Charlatans can do no goodUntil they're mounted in a crowd;And when they're punish'd, all the hurtIs but to fare the better for't;As long as confessors are sure 975Of double pay for all th' endure;And what they earn in persecution, Are paid t' a groat in contribution. Whence some Tub-Holders-forth have madeIn powd'ring-tubs their richest trade; 980And while they kept their shops in prison, Have found their prices strangely risen. Disdain to own the least regretFor all the Christian blood w' have let;'Twill save our credit, and maintain 985Our title to do so again;That needs not cost one dram of sense, But pertinacious impudence. Our constancy t' our principles, In time will wear out all things else; 990Like marble statues rubb'd in piecesWith gallantry of pilgrims' kisses;While those who turn and wind their oaths, Have swell'd and sunk, like other froths;Prevail'd a while, but 'twas not long 995Before from world to world they swung:As they had turn'd from side to side, And as the changelings liv'd, they dy'd. 

This said, th' impatient States-mongerCould now contain himself no longer; 1000Who had not spar'd to shew his piquesAgainst th' haranguer's politicks, With smart remarks of leering faces, And annotations of grimaces. After h' had administer'd a dose 1005Of snuff-mundungus to his nose, And powder'd th' inside of his skull, Instead of th' outward jobbernol, He shook it with a scornful lookOn th' adversary, and thus he spoke: 1010

In dressing a calves head, althoughThe tongue and brains together go, Both keep so great a distance here, 'Tis strange if ever they come near;For who did ever play his gambols 1015With such insufferable ramblesTo make the bringing in the KING, And keeping of him out, one thing?Which none could do, but those that sworeT' as point-plank nonsense heretofore: 1020That to defend, was to invade;And to assassinate, to aidUnless, because you drove him out, (And that was never made a doubt, )No pow'r is able to restore, 1025And bring him in, but on your scoreA spiritual doctrine, that conducesMost properly to all your uses. 'Tis true, a scorpions oil is saidTo cure the wounds the vermine made; 1030And weapons, drest with salves, restoreAnd heal the hurts they gave before;But whether Presbyterians haveSo much good nature as the salve, Or virtue in them as the vermine, 1035Those who have try'd them can determine. Indeed, 'th pity you should missTh' arrears of all your services, And for th' eternal obligationY' have laid upon th' ungrateful nation, 1040Be us'd so unconscionably hard, As not to find a just reward, For letting rapine loose, and murther, To rage just so far, but no further;And setting all the land on fire, 1045To burn't to a scantling, but no higher;For vent'ring to assassinate, And cut the throats, of Church and State, And not be allow'd the fittest menTo take the charge of both agen: 1050Especially, that have the graceOf self-denying, gifted face;Who when your projects have miscarry'd, Can lay them, with undaunted forehead, On those you painfully trepann'd, 1055And sprinkled in at second hand;As we have been, to share the guiltOf Christian Blood, devoutly spilt;For so our ignorance was flamm'dTo damn ourselves, t' avoid being damn'd; 1060Till finding your old foe, the hangman, Was like to lurch you at back-gammonAnd win your necks upon the set, As well as ours, who did but bet, (For he had drawn your ears before, 1065And nick'd them on the self-same score, )We threw the box and dice away, Before y' had lost us, at foul play;And brought you down to rook, and lie, And fancy only, on the by; 1070Redeem'd your forfeit jobbernolesFrom perching upon lofty poles;And rescu'd all your outward traitorsFrom hanging up like aligators;For which ingeniously y' have shew'd 1075Your Presbyterian gratitude:Would freely have paid us home in kind, And not have been one rope behind. Those were your motives to divide, And scruple, on the other side. 1080To turn your zealous frauds, and force, To fits of conscience and remorse;To be convinc'd they were in vain, And face about for new again;For truth no more unveil'd your eyes, 1085Than maggots are convinc'd to fliesAnd therefore all your lights and callsAre but apocryphal and false, To charge us with the consequencesOf all your native insolences, 1090That to your own imperious willsLaid Law and Gospel neck and heels;Corrupted the Old Testament, To serve the New for precedentT' amend its errors, and defects, 1095With murther, and rebellion texts;Of which there is not any oneIn all the Book to sow uponAnd therefore (from your tribe) the JewsHeld Christian doctrine forth, and use; 1100As Mahomet (your chief) beganTo mix them in the Alchoran:Denounc'd and pray'd, with fierce devotion, And bended elbows on the cushion;Stole from the beggars all your tones, 1105And gifted mortifying groans;Had Lights where better eyes were blind, As pigs are said to see the windFill'd Bedlam with predestination, And Knights-bridge with illumination: 1110Made children, with your tones, to run for't, As bad as bloody-bones, or LUNSFORD:While women, great with child, miscarry'd, For being to malignants marry'dTransform'd all wives to DALILAHS 1115Whose husbands were not for the Cause;And turn'd the men to ten horn'd cattle, Because they came not out to battleMade taylors' prentices turn heroes, For fear of being transform'd to MEROZ: 1120And rather forfeit their indentures, Than not espouse the Saints' adventures. Could transubstantiate, metamorphose, And charm whole herds of beasts, like Orpheus;Inchant the King's and Churches lands 1125T' obey and follow your commands;And settle on a new freehold, As MARCLY-HILL had done of old:Could turn the Covenant, and translateThe gospel into spoons and plate: 1130Expound upon all merchants' cashes, And open th' intricatest placesCould catechize a money-box, And prove all powches orthodox;Until the Cause became a DAMON, 1135And PYTHIAS the wicked Mammon. 

And yet, in spight of all your charmsTo conjure legion up in arms, And raise more devils in the routThan e'er y' were able to cast out, 1140Y' have been reduc'd, and by those foolsBred up (you say) in your own schools;Who, though but gifted at your feet, Have made it plain, they have more wit;By whom y' have been so oft trepann'd, 1145And held forth out of all command, Out-gifted, out-impuls'd, out-done, And out-reveal'd at carryings-on;Of all your dispensations worm'd, Out-Providenc'd, and out-reform'd; 1150Ejected out of Church and State, And all things, but the peoples' hate;And spirited out of th' enjoymentsOf precious, edifying employments, By those who lodg'd their Gifts and Graces, 1155Like better bowlers, in your places;All which you bore with resolution, Charg'd on th' accompt of persecution;And though most righteously opprest, Against your wills, still acquiesc'd; 1160And never hum'd and hah'd sedition, Nor snuffled treason, nor misprision. That is, because you never durst;For had you preach'd and pray'd your worst, Alas! you were no longer able 1165To raise your posse of the rabble:One single red-coat centinelOut-charm'd the magick of the spell;And, with his squirt-fire, could disperseWhole troops with chapter rais'd and verse. 1170We knew too well those tricks of yours, To leave it ever in your powers;Or trust our safeties, or undoings, To your disposing of out-goings;Or to your ordering Providence, 1175One farthing's-worth of consequence. For had you pow'r to undermine, Or wit to carry a design, Or correspondence to trepan, Inveigle, or betray one man, 1180There's nothing else that intervenes, And bars your zeal to use the meansAnd therefore wond'rous like, no doubt, To bring in Kings, or keep them out. Brave undertakers to restore, 1185That cou'd not keep yourselves in pow'r;T' advance the int'rests of the Crown, That wanted wit to keep your own. 

'Tis true, you have (for I'd be lothTo wrong ye) done your parts in both, 1190To keep him out, and bring him in, As grace is introduc'd by sin;For 'twas your zealous want of sense, And sanctify'd impertinence, Your carrying business in a huddle, 1195That forc'd our rulers to new-model;Oblig'd the State to tack about, And turn you, root and branch, all out;To reformado, one and all, T' your great Croysado General. 1200Your greedy slav'ring to devour, Before 'twas in your clutches, pow'r, That sprung the game you were to set, Before y' had time to draw the net;Your spight to see the Churches' lands 1205Divided into other hands, And all your sacrilegious venturesLaid out in tickets and debentures;Your envy to he sprinkled down, By Under-Churches in the town; 1210And no course us'd to stop their mouths, Nor th' Independents' spreading growthsAll which consider'd, 'tis most trueNone bring him in so much as youWho have prevail'd beyond their plots, 1215Their midnight juntos, and seal'd knotsThat thrive more by your zealous piques, Than all their own rash politicksAnd you this way may claim a shareIn carrying (as you brag) th' affair; 1220Else frogs and toads, that croak'd the JewsFrom PHARAOH and his brick-kilns loose, And flies and mange, that set them freeFrom task-masters and slavery, Were likelier to do the feat, 1225In any indiff'rent man's conceitFor who e'er heard of restorationUntil your thorough Reformation?That is, the King's and Churches' landWere sequester'd int' other hands: 1230For only then, and not before, Your eyes were open'd to restore. And when the work was carrying on, Who cross'd it, but yourselves alone?As by a world of hints appears, 1235All plain and extant as your ears. 

But first, o' th' first: The Isle of WIGHTWill rise up, if you should deny't;Where HENDERSON, and th' other masses, Were sent to cap texts, and put cases; 1240To pass for deep and learned scholars, Although but paltry Ob and Sollers:As if th' unseasonable foolsHad been a coursing in the schools;Until th' had prov'd the Devil author 1245O' th' Covenant, and the Cause his daughter, For when they charg'd him with the guiltOf all the blood that had been spilt, They did not mean he wrought th' effusion, In person, like Sir PRIDE, or HUGHSON, 1250But only those who first begunThe quarrel were by him set on;And who could those be but the Saints, Those Reformation Termagants?But e'er this pass'd, the wise debate 1255Spent so much time, it grew too late;For OLIVER had gotten ground, T' inclose him with his warriors roundHad brought his Providence about, And turn'd th' untimely sophists out, 1260Nor had the UXBRIDGE bus'ness lessOf nonsense in't, or sottishness, When from a scoundrel Holder-forth, The scum as well as son o' th' earth, Your mighty Senators took law; 1265At his command, were forc'd t' withdraw, And sacrifice the peace o' th' nationTo doctrine, use and application. So when the SCOTS, your constant cronies, Th' espousers of your Cause and monies, 1270Who had so often, in your aid, So many ways been soundly paid, Came in at last for better ends, To prove themselves your trusty friends, You basely left them, and the Church 1275They train'd you up to, in the lurch, And suffer'd your own tribe of ChristiansTo fall before, as true Philistines. This shews what utensils y' have been, To bring the King's concernments in; 1280Which is so far from being true, That none but he can bring in you:And if he take you into trust, Will find you most exactly just:Such as will punctually repay 1285With double interest, and betray. 

Not that I think those pantomimes, Who vary action with the times, Are less ingenious in their art, Than those who dully act one part; 1290Or those who turn from side to side, More guilty than the wind and tide. All countries are a wise man's home, And so are governments to some, Who change them for the same intrigues 1295That statesmen use in breaking leagues;While others, in old faiths and troths, Look odd as out-of-fashion'd cloths;And nastier in an old opinion, Than those who never shift their linnen. 1300

For true and faithful's sure to lose, Which way soever the game goes;And whether parties lose or win, Is always nick'd, or else hedg'd in:While pow'r usurp'd, like stol'n delight, 1305Is more bewitching than the right;And when the times begin to alter, None rise so high as from the halter. 

And so may we, if w' have but senseTo use the necessary means; 1310And not your usual stratagemsOn one another, Lights and DreamsTo stand on terms as positive, As if we did not take, but give:Set up the Covenant on crutches, 1315'Gainst those who have us in their clutches, And dream of pulling churches down, Before w' are sure to prop our own:Your constant method of proceeding, Without the carnal mans of heeding; 1320Who 'twixt your inward sense and outward, Are worse, than if y' had none, accoutred. I grant, all courses are in vain, Unless we can get in again;The only way that's left us now; 1325But all the difficulty's, How?'Tis true, w' have money, th' only pow 'rThat all mankind falls down before;Money, that, like the swords of kings, Is the last reason of all things; 1330And therefore need not doubt our playHas all advantages that way;As long as men have faith to sell, And meet with those that can pay well;Whose half-starv'd pride, and avarice, 1335One Church and State will not sufficeT' expose to sale, beside the wagesOf storing plagues to after-ages. Nor is our money less our own, Than 'twas before we laid it down; 1340For 'twill return, and turn t' account, If we are brought, in play upon't:Or but, by casting knaves, get in, What pow 'r can hinder us to win?We know the arts we us'd before, 1345In peace and war, and something more;And by th' unfortunate events, Can mend our next experiments:For when w' are taken into trust, How easy are the wisest choust? 1350Who see but th' outsides of our feats, And not their secret springs and weights;And while they're busy at their ease, Can carry what designs we please. How easy is it to serve for agents, 1355To prosecute our old engagements?To keep the Good Old Cause on foot, And present power from taking root?Inflame them both with false alarmsOf plots and parties taking arms; 1360To keep the Nation's wounds too wideFrom healing up of side to side;Profess the passionat'st concernsFor both their interests by turns;The only way to improve our own, 1365By dealing faithfully with none;(As bowls run true, by being madeOn purpose false, and to be sway'd:)For if we should be true to either, 'Twould turn us out of both together; 1370And therefore have no other meansTo stand upon our own defence, But keeping up our ancient partyIn vigour, confident and hearty:To reconcile our late dissenters, 1375Our brethren, though by other venters;Unite them, and their different maggots, As long and short sticks are in faggots, And make them join again as closeAs when they first began t' espouse; 1380Erect them into separateNew Jewish tribes, in Church and State;To join in marriage and commerce, And only among themselves converse;And all that are not of their mind, 1385Make enemies to all mankind:Take all religions in and stickleFrom Conclave down to Conventicle;Agreeing still, or disagreeing, According to the Light in being. 1390Sometimes for liberty of conscience, And spiritual mis-rule, in one sense;But in another quite contrary, As dispensations chance to vary;And stand for, as the times will bear it, 1395All contradictions of the Spirit:Protect their emissaries, empower'dTo preach sedition and the word;And when they're hamper'd by the laws, Release the lab'rers for the Cause, 1400And turn the persecution backOn those that made the first attack;To keep them equally in awe, From breaking or maintaining law:And when they have their fits too soon, 1405Before the full-tides of the moon, Put off their zeal t' a fitter seasonFor sowing faction in and treason;And keep them hooded, and their Churches, Like hawks from baiting on their perches, 1410That, when the blessed time shall comeOf quitting BABYLON and ROME, They may be ready to restoreTheir own Fifth Monarchy once more. 

Meanwhile be better arm'd to fence 1415Against revolts of Providence. By watching narrowly, and snappingAll blind sides of it, they happenFor if success could make us Saints, Or ruin turn'd us miscreants: 1420A scandal that wou'd fall too hardUpon a few, and. Unprepar'd. 

These are the courses we must run, Spight of our hearts, or be undone;And not to stand on terms and freaks, 1425Before we have secur'd our necks;But do our work, as out of sight, As stars by day, and suns by night;All licence of the people own, In opposition to the Crown; 1430And for the Crown as fiercely side, The head and body to divide;The end of all we first design'd, And all that yet remains behindBe sure to spare no publick rapine, 1435On all emergencies, that happen;For 'tis as easy to supplantAuthority as men in want;As some of us, in trusts, have madeThe one hand with the other trade; 1440Gain'd vastly by their joint endeavour;The right a thief; the left receiver;And what the one, by tricks, forestall'd, The other, by as sly, retail'd. For gain has wonderful effects 1445T' improve the Factory of Sects;The rule of faith in all professions. And great DIANA of the EPHESIANS;Whence turning of Religion's madeThe means to turn and wind a trade: 1450And though some change it for the worse, They put themselves into a course;And draw in store of customers, To thrive the better in commerce:For all Religions flock together, 1455Like tame and wild fowl of a feather;To nab the itches of their sects, As jades do one another's necks. Hence 'tis, Hypocrisy as wellWill serve t' improve a Church as ZEAL: 1460As Persecution or Promotion, Do equally advance Devotion. 

Let business, like ill watches, goSometime too fast, sometime too slow;For things in order are put out 1465So easy, Ease itself will do't;But when the feat's design'd and meant, What miracle can bar th' event?For 'tis more easy to betray, Than ruin any other way. 1470All possible occasions startThe weighty'st matters to divert;Obstruct, perplex, distract, intangle, And lay perpetual trains to wrangle. But in affairs of less import, 1475That neither do us good nor hurt, And they receive as little by, Out-fawn as much, and out-comply;And seem as scrupulously just, To bait our hooks for greater trust; 1480But still be careful to cry downAll publick actions, though our own:The least miscarriage aggravate, And charge it all upon the Sate;Express the horrid'st detestation, 1485And pity the distracted nationTell stories scandalous and false, I' th' proper language of cabals, Where all a subtle statesman says, Is half in words, and half in face; 1490(As Spaniards talk in dialoguesOf heads and shoulders, nods and shrugs:)Entrust it under solemn vowsOf mum, and silence, and the rose, To be retail'd again in whispers, 1495For th' easy credulous to disperse. 

Thus far the Statesman -- When a shout, Heard at a distance, put him out;And straight another, all aghast, Rush'd in with equal fear and haste; 1500Who star'd about, as pale as death, And, for a while, as out of breath;Till having gather'd up his wits, He thus began his tale by fits. 

That beastly rabble -- that came down 1505From all the garrets -- in the town, And stalls, and shop-boards -- in vast swarms, With new-chalk'd bills -- and rusty arms, To cry the Cause -- up, heretofore, And bawl the BISHOPS -- out of door, 1510Are now drawn up -- in greater shoals, To roast -- and broil us on the coals, And all the Grandees -- of our MembersAre carbonading -- on the embers;Knights, Citizens, and Burgesses -- 1515Held forth by Rumps -- of Pigs and Geese, That serve for Characters -- and Badges. To represent their Personages:Each bonfire is a funeral pile, In which they roast, and scorch, and broil, 1520And ev'ry representativeHave vow'd to roast -- and broil alive:

And 'tis a miracle, we are notAlready sacrific' d incarnate. For while we wrangle here, and jar, 1525W' are grilly'd all at TEMPLE-BAR:Some on the sign-post of an ale-house, Hang in effigy, on the gallows;Made up of rags, to personateRespective Officers of State; 1530That henceforth they may stand reputed, Proscrib'd in law, and executed;And while the Work is carrying onBe ready listed under DON, That worthy patriot, once the bellows, 1535And tinder-box, of all his fellows;The activ'st Member of the Five, As well as the most primitive;Who, for his faithful service thenIs chosen for a Fifth agen: 1540(For since the State has made a QuintOf Generals, he's listed in't. )This worthy, as the world will say, Is paid in specie, his own way;For, moulded to the life in clouts, 1545Th' have pick'd from dung-hills hereabouts, He's mounted on a hazel bavin, A cropp'd malignant baker gave 'm;And to the largest bone-fire riding, They've roasted COOK already and PRIDE in; 1550On whom in equipage and state, His scarecrow fellow-members wait, And march in order, two and two, As at thanksgivings th' us'd to do;Each in a tatter'd talisman, 1555Like vermin in effigie slain. 

But (what's more dreadful than the rest)Those Rumps are but the tail o' th' Beast, Set up by Popish engineers, As by the crackers plainly appears; 1560For none but Jesuits have a missionTo preach the faith with ammunition, And propagate the Church with powder:Their founder was a blown-up Soldier. These spiritual pioneers o' th' Whore's, 1565That have the charge of all her stores, Since first they fail'd in their designs, To take in Heav'n by springing mines, And with unanswerable barrelsOf gunpowder dispute their quarrels, 1570Now take a course more practicable, By laying trains to fire the rabble, And blow us up in th' open streets, Disguis'd in Rumps, like Sambenites;More like to ruin, and confound, 1575Than all the doctrines under ground. 

Nor have they chosen Rumps amissFor symbols of State-mysteries;Though some suppose 'twas but to shewHow much they scorn'd the Saints, the few; 1580Who, 'cause they're wasted to the stumps, Are represented best by Rumps. But Jesuits have deeper reachesIn all their politick far-fetches, And from the Coptick Priest, Kircherus, 1585Found out this mystick way to jeer us. For, as th' Egyptians us'd by beesT' express their antick PTOLOMIES;And by their stings, the swords they wore, Held forth authority and power; 1590Because these subtil animalsBear all their int'rests in their tails;And when they're once impar'd in that, Are banish'd their well-order'd state;They thought all governments were best 1595By Hieroglyphick Rumps exprest. 

For, as in bodies natural, The rump's the fundament of all;So, in a commonwealth, or realm, The government is call'd the helm; 1600With which, like vessels under sail, They're turn'd and winded by the tail;The tail, which birds and fishes steerTheir courses with through sea and air;To whom the rudder of the rump is 1605The same thing with the stern and compass. This shews how perfectly the RumpAnd Commonwealth in nature jump. For as a fly, that goes to bed, Rests with his tail above his head, 1610So in this mungrel state of ours;The rabble are the supreme powers;That hors'd us on their backs, to show usA jadish trick at last, and throw us. 

The learned Rabbins of the Jews 1615Write there's a bone, which they call leuz, I' th' rump of man, of such a virtue, No force in nature can do hurt to;And therefore at the last great day, All th' other members shall, they say, 1620Spring out of this, as from a seedAll sorts of vegetals proceed;From whence the learned sons of artOs Sacrum justly stile that part. Then what can better represent 1625Than this Rump Bone the Parliament;That, alter several rude ejections, And as prodigious resurrections, With new reversions of nine lives, Starts up, and like a cat revives? 1630

But now, alas! they're all expir'd, And th' House, as well as Members, fir'd;Consum'd in kennels by the rout, With which they other fires put out:Condemn'd t' ungoverning distress, 1635And paultry, private wretchedness;Worse than the Devil, to privation, Beyond all hopes of restoration;And parted, like the body and soul, From all dominion and controul. 1640We, who cou'd lately with a lookEnact, establish, or revoke;Whose arbitrary nods gave law, And frowns kept multitudes in awe;Before the bluster of whose huff, 1645All hats, as in a storm, flew off;Ador'd and bowed to by the great, Down to the footman and valet;Had more bent knees than chapel-mats, And prayers than the crowns of hats; 1650Shall now be scorn'd as wretchedly;For ruin's just as low as high;Which might be suffer'd, were it allThe horror that attends our fall:For some of us have scores more large 1655Than heads and quarters can discharge;And others, who, by restless scraping, With publick frauds, and private rapine, Have mighty heaps of wealth amass'd, Would gladly lay down all at last; 1660And to be but undone, entailTheir vessels on perpetual jail;And bless the Dev'l to let them farmsOf forfeit souls on no worse terms. 

This said, a near and louder shout 1665Put all th' assembly to the rout, Who now begun t' out-run their fear, As horses do from whom they bear;But crowded on with so mach haste, Until th' had block'd the passage fast, 1670And barricado'd it with haunchesOf outward men, and bulks, and paunches, That with their shoulders strove to squeeze, And rather save a crippled pieceOf all their crush'd and broken members, 1675Than have them grilled on the embers;Still pressing on with heavy packsOf one another on their backs:The van-guard could no longer hearThe charges of the forlorn rear, 1680But, born down headlong by the rout, Were trampled sorely under foot:Yet nothing prov'd so formidableAs the horrid cookery of the rabble;And fear, that keeps all feeling out, 1685As lesser pains are by the gout, Reliev'd 'em with a fresh supplyOf rallied force enough to fly, And beat a Tuscan running-horse, Whose jockey-rider is all spurs. 1690

NOTES TO PART III. CANTO II. 

1 g The Learned write, &c. ] An insect breeze. Breezes oftenbring along with them great quantities of insects, which someare of opinion, are generated from viscous exhalations in the air;but our Author makes them proceed from a cow's dung, andafterwards become a plague to that whence it received itsoriginal. 

13 h For as the Persian, &c. ] The Magi were priests andphilosophers among the Persians, intrusted with the governmentboth civil and ecclesiastick, much addicted to the observation ofthe stars. Zoroaster is reported to be their first author. They hadthis custom amongst them, to preserve and continue theirfamilies by incestuous copulation with their own mothers. Someare of opinion, that the three wise men that came out of the Eastto worship our Saviour were some of these. 

51 i At Michael's Term, &c. ] St. Michael, an archangel;mentioned in St. Jude's Epistle, Verse 9. 

78 k And laid about, &c. ] William Prynne, of Lincoln's-Inn, Esq. Born at Swanswick, who stiled himself Utter Barrister, avery warm person, and voluminous writer; and after theRestoration, keeper of the records in the Tower. 

146 l As Dutch Boors, &c. ] It is reported of the Dutch women, that making so great use of stoves, and often putting them undertheir petticoats, they engender a kind of ugly monster, which iscalled a Sooterkin. 

151 m T' out-cant the Babylonian, &c. ] At the building of theTower of Babel, when God made the confusion of languages. 

215 Toss'd in a furious Hurricane, &c. ] At Oliver's death was amost furious tempest, such as had not been known in thememory of man, or hardly ever recorded to have been in thisnation. This Sterry reported something ridiculously fabulousconcerning Oliver, not unlike what Proculus did of Romulus. 

224 o False Heaven, &c. ] After the Restoration, Oliver's bodywas dug up, and his head set at the farther end of Westminster-hall, near which place there is an house of entertainment, whichis commonly known by the name of Heaven. 

227 p So Romulus, &c. ] A Roman Senator, whose name wasProculus, and much beloved by Romulus, made oath before theSenate, that this prince appeared to him after his death, andpredicted the future grandeur of that city, promising to beprotector of it; and expressly charged him, that he should beadored there under the name of Quirinus; and he had his templeon Mount Quirinale. 

231 q Next his Son, &c. ] Oliver's eldest son Richard was, byhim before his death, declared his successor; and, by order ofprivy-council, proclaimed Lord Protector, and received thecompliments of congratulation and condolence, at the sametime, from the Lord Mayor and Court of Aldermen: andaddresses were presented to him from all parts of the nation, promising to stand by him with their lives and fortunes. Hesummoned a Parliament to meet at Westminster, whichrecognized him Lord Protector: yet, notwithstanding, Fleetwood, Desborough, and their partizans, managed affairsso, that he was obliged to resign. 

245 r To edify upon the Ruins, &c. ] John of Leyden, whosename was Buckhold, was a butcher of the same place, but acrafty, eloquent, and seditious fellow and one of those calledAnabaptists. He went and set up at Munster, where, withKnipperdoling, and others of the same faction, they spread theirabominable errors, and run about the streets in enthusiasticalraptures, crying, Repent and be baptized, pronouncing dismalwoes against all those that would not embrace their tenets. About the year 1533 they broke out into an open insurrection, and seized the palace and magazines, and grew so formidablethat it was very dangerous for those who were not of theirpersuasion to dwell in Munster; but at length he and hisassociates being subdued and taken, he was executed atMunster, had his flesh pulled off by two executioners with red-hot pincers for the space of an hour, and then run through with asword. 

351 s 'Mong these there was a Politician, &c. ] This was thefamous E. Of S. Who was endued with a particular faculty ofundermining and subverting all sorts of government. 

409 t and better than by Napier's Bones, &c. ] The famous LordNapier, of Scotland, the first inventor of logarithms, contrivedalso a set of square pieces, with numbers on them, madegenerally of ivory, (which perform arithmetical and geometricalcalculations, ) and are commonly called Napier's Bones. 

421 u To match this Saint, &c. ] The great colonel JohnLilbourn, whose trial is so remarkable, and well known at thistime. 

475 w The Trojan Mare, &c. ] After the Grecians had spent tenyears in the siege of Troy, without the least prospect of success, they bethought of a stratagem, and made a wooden horsecapable of containing a considerable number of armed men: thisthey filled with the choicest of their army, and then pretended toraise the siege; upon which the credulous Trojans made abreach in the walls of the city to bring in this fatal plunder; butwhen it was brought in, the inclosed heroes soon appeared, andsurprizing the city, the rest entered in at the breach. 

520 x (I mean Margaret's Fast) &c. ] That Parliament used tohave publick fasts kept in St. Margaret's church, Westminster, as is done to this present time. 

605 y To hang like Mahomet, &c. ] It is reported of Mahometthe great impostor, that having built a mosque, the roof whereofwas of loadstone, and ordering his corpse, when he was dead, tobe put into an iron coffin, and brought into that place, theloadstone soon attracted it near the top, where it still hangs inthe air. No less fabulous is what the legend says of Ignatius Loyola, thathis zeal and devotion transported him so, that at his prayers hehas been seen to be raised from the ground for someconsiderable time together. 

650 z As easy as Serpents, &c. ] Naturalists report, that Snakes, Serpents, &c. Cast their skins every year. 

655 a As Barnacles turn Soland Geese, &c. ] It is said that in theIslands of the Orcades, in Scotland, there are trees which bearthose barnacles, which dropping off into the water, receive life, and become those birds called soland geese. 

663 b So he that keeps the Gate of Hell, &c. ] The poets feignthe dog Cerberus, that is the porter of hell, to have three heads. 

685 c The GIBELLINES, &c. ] Two great factions in Italy, distinguished by those names, miserably distracted and wastedit about the year 1130. 

841 d When three Saints Ears, &c. ] Burton, Prynn, andBastwick, three notorious ringleaders of the factious, just at thebeginning of the late horrid rebellion. 

894 e But Fisher's Folly, &c. ] Fisher's Folly, was whereDevonshire-Square now stands, and was a great place ofconsultation in those days. 

907 f Cut out more Work, &c. ] Plato's year, or the grandrevolution of the intire machine of the world, was accounted4000 years. 

1200 g T' your great Croysado General, &c. ] General Fairfax, who was soon laid aside after he had done some of theirdrudgery for them. 

1241 h To pass for deep and learned Scholars, &c. ] Tworidiculous scribblers, that were often pestering the world withnonsense. 

1250 i Like Sir Pride, &c. ] The one a brewer, the other ashoemaker, and both colonels in the rebels' army. 

1505 k The beastly Rabble that came down, &c. ] This is anaccurate description of the mob's burning rumps upon theadmission of the secluded Members, on contempt of the Rump-Parliament. 

1534 l Be ready listed under DON] The hangman's name at thattime was Don. 

1550 m They've roasted COOK already and PRIDE in. ] Cookacted as solicitor-general against King Charles the First at histrial; and afterwards received his just reward for the same. Pride, a colonel in the Parliament's army. 

1564 n Their Founder was a blown up Soldier. ] Ignatius Loyola, the founder of the society of the Jesuits, was a gentleman ofBiscay, in Spain, and bred a soldier; was at Pampelune when itwas besieged by the French in the year 1521, and was so verylame in both feet, by the damage he sustained there, that he wasforced to keep his bed. 

1585 o And from their Coptick Priests, Kircherus. ] AthanasiusKircher, a Jesuit, hath wrote largely on the AEgyptian mysticallearning. 

 1587 p For, as the AEgyptians us'd by Bees, &c. ] TheAEgyptians represented their kings, (many of whose nameswere Ptolemy) under the hieroglyphick of a bee, dispensinghoney to the good and virtuous, and having a sting for thewicked and dissolute. 

PART III

CANTO III

THE ARGUMENT. 

-------------------------------------------------The Knight and squire's prodigious FlightTo quit th' inchanted Bow'r by Night. He plods to turn his amorous SuitT' a Plea in Law, and prosecuteRepairs to Counsel, to advise'Bout managing the Enterprise;But first resolves to try by Letter, And one more fair Address, to get her. -------------------------------------------------

WHO wou'd believe what strange bugbearsMankind creates itself of fearsThat spring like fern, that insect weed, Equivocally, without seed;And have no possible foundation, 5But merely in th' imagination;And yet can do more dreadful featsThan hags, with all their imps and teatsMake more bewitch and haunt themselvesThan all their nurseries of elves? 10For fear does things so like a witch, 'Tis hard t' unriddle which is which:Sets up Communities of senses, To chop and change intelligences;As Rosicrucian virtuosos 15Can see with ears, and hear with noses;And when they neither see nor hear, Have more than both supply'd by fearThat makes 'em in the dark see visions, And hag themselves with apparitions; 20And when their eyes discover least, Discern the subtlest objects bestDo things not contrary, alone, To th' course of nature, but its own;The courage of the bravest daunt, 25And turn poltroons as valiant:For men as resolute appearWith too much as too little fearAnd when they're out of hopes of flying, Will run away from death by dying; 30Or turn again to stand it out, And those they fled, like lions, rout. 

This HUDIBRAS had prov'd too true, Who, by the furies left perdue, And haunted with detachments, sent 35From Marshal Legion's regiment, Was by a fiend, as counterfeit, Reliev'd and rescu'd with a cheat;When nothing but himself, and fear, Was both the imp and conjurer; 40As, by the rules o' th' virtuosi, It follows in due form of poesie. 

Disguis'd in all the masks of night, We left our champion on his flight, At blind man's buff, to grope his way, 45In equal fear of night and day, Who took his dark and desp'rate course, He knew no better than his horse;And, by an unknown Devil led, (He knew as little whither, ) fled. 50He never was in greater need, Nor less capacity, of speed;Disabled, both in man and beast, To fly and run away his best;To keep the enemy, and fear, 55From equal falling on his rear. And though with kicks and bangs he ply'dThe further and the nearer side, (As seamen ride with all their force, And tug as if they row'd the horse, 60And when the hackney sails most swift, Believe they lag, or run a-drift, )So, though he posted e'er so fast, His fear was greater than his haste:For fear, though fleeter than the wind, 65Believes 'tis always left behind. But when the morn began t' appear, And shift t' another scene his fear, He found his new officious shade, That came so timely to his aid, 70And forc'd him from the foe t' escape, Had turn'd itself to RALPHO's shape;So like in person, garb, and pitch, 'Twas hard t' interpret which was which. 

For RALPHO had no sooner told 75The Lady all he had t' unfold, But she convey'd him out of sight, To entertain the approaching Knight;And, while he gave himself diversion, T' accommodate his beast and person, 80And put his beard into a postureAt best advantage to accost her, She order'd th' anti-masquerade(For his reception) aforesaid:But when the ceremony was done, 85The lights put out, and furies gone, And HUDIBRAS, among the rest, Convey'd away, as RALPHO guess'd, The wretched caitiff, all alone, (As he believ'd) began to moan, 90And tell his story to himself, The Knight mistook him for an elf;And did so still till he beganTo scruple at RALPH's Outward Man;And thought, because they oft agreed 95T' appear in one another's stead, And act the Saint's and Devil's partWith undistinguishable art, They might have done so now, perhaps, And put on one another's shapes 100And therefore, to resolve the doubt, He star'd upon him, and cry'd out, What art? My 'Squire, or that bold SpriteThat took his place and shape to-night?Some busy indepenent pug, 105Retainer to his Synagogue?Alas! quoth he, I'm none of those, Your bosom friends, as you suppose;But RALPH himself, your trusty 'Squire, Wh' has dragg'd your Dunship out o' th' mire, 110And from th' inchantments of a widow, Wh' had turn'd you int' a beast, have freed you;And, though a prisoner of war, Have brought you safe where you now are;Which you would gratefully repay 115Your constant Presbyterian way. 

That's stranger (quoth the Knight) and stranger. Who gave thee notice of my danger?

Quoth he, Th' infernal ConjurerPursu'd and took me prisoner; 120And knowing you were hereabout, Brought me along to find you out;Where I, in hugger-mugger hid, Have noted all they said or did:And though they lay to him the pageant, 125I did not see him, nor his agent;Who play'd their sorceries out of sight, T' avoid a fiercer second fight. But didst thou see no Devils then?Not one (quoth he) but carnal men, 130A little worse than fiends in hell, And that She-Devil Jezebel, That laugh'd and tee-he'd with derision, To see them take your deposition. 

What then (quoth HUDIBRAS) was he 135That play'd the Dev'l to examine me?A rallying weaver in the town, That did it in a parson's gown;Whom all the parish take for gifted;But, for my part, I ne'er believ'd it: 140In which you told them all your feats, Your conscientious frauds and cheats;Deny'd your whipping, and confestThe naked truth of all the rest, More plainly than the Rev'rend Writer, 145That to our Churches veil'd his Mitre;All which they took in black and white, And cudgell'd me to under-write. 

What made thee, when they all were gone, And none but thou and I alone, 150To act the Devil, and forbearTo rid me of my hellish fear?

Quoth he, I knew your constant rateAnd frame of sp'rit too obstinateTo be by me prevail'd upon 155With any motives of my own;And therefore strove to counterfeitThe Dev'l a-while, to nick your wit;The Devil, that is your constant crony, That only can prevail upon ye; 160Else we might still have been disputing, And they with weighty drubs confuting. 

The Knight who now began to findTh' had left the enemy behind, And saw no farther harm remain, 165But feeble weariness and pain;Perceiv'd, by losing of their way, Th' had gain'd th' advantage of the day;And, by declining of the road, They had, by chance, their rear made good; 170He ventur'd to dismiss his fear, That parting's wont to rent and tear, And give the desperat'st attackTo danger still behind its back. For having paus'd to recollect, 175And on his past success reflect, T' examine and consider why, And whence, and how, they came to fly, And when no Devil had appear'd, What else, it cou'd be said, he fear'd; 180It put him in so fierce a rage, He once resolv'd to re-engage;Toss'd like a foot-ball back again, With shame and vengeance, and disdain. Quoth he, it was thy cowardice 185That made me from this leaguer riseAnd when I'd half reduc'd the place, To quit it infamously baseWas better cover'd by the newArriv'd detachment then I knew; 190To slight my new acquests, and runVictoriously from battles won;And reck'ning all I gain'd or lost, To sell them cheaper than they cost;To make me put myself to flight, 195And conqu'ring run away by nightTo drag me out, which th' haughty foeDurst never have presum'd to doTo mount me in the dark, by force, Upon the bare ridge of my horse; 200Expos'd in querpo to their rage, Without my arms and equipage;Lest, if they ventur'd to pursue, I might th' unequal fight renew;And, to preserve thy Outward Man, 205Assum'd my place, and led the van. 

All this quoth RALPH, I did, 'tis true, Not to preserve my self, but you;You, who were damn'd to baser drubsThan wretches feel in powd'ring tubs. 210To mount two-wheel'd carroches, worseThan managing a wooden-horseDragg'd out through straiter holes by th' ears, Eras'd or coup'd for perjurers;Who, though th' attempt had prov'd in vain, 215Had had no reason to complain:But since it prosper'd, 'tis unhandsomeTo blame the hand that paid our ransome, And rescu'd your obnoxious bonesFrom unavoidable battoons. 220The enemy was reinforc'd, And we disabled, and unhors'd, Disarm'd, unqualify'd for fight, And no way left but hasty flight, Which though as desp'rate in th' attempt, 225Has giv'n you freedom to condemn't. But were our bones in fit conditionTo reinforce the expedition, 'Tis now unseasonable, and vain, To think of falling on again. 230No martial project to surprizeCan ever be attempted twice;Nor cast design serve afterwards, As gamesters tear their losing-cards, Beside, our bangs of man and beast 235Are fit for nothing now but rest;And for a-while will not be ableTo rally, and prove serviceable;And therefore I, with reason, choseThis stratagem t' amuse our foes; 240To make an honourable retreat, And wave a total sure defeat;For those that fly may fight again, Which he can never do that's slain. Hence timely running's no mean part 245Of conduct in the martial art;By which some glorious feats atchieve, As citizens by breaking thrive;And cannons conquer armies, whileThey seem to draw off and recoil; 250Is held the gallantest course, and bravestTo great exploits, as well as safest;That spares th' expence of time and pains, And dangerous beating out of brains;And in the end prevails as certain 255As those that never trust to fortune;But make their fear do executionBeyond the stoutest resolution;As earthquakes kill without a blow, And, only trembling, overthrow, 260If th' ancients crown'd their bravest menThat only sav'd a citizen, What victory could e'er be won, If ev'ry one would save but oneOr fight endanger'd to be lost, 265Where all resolve to save the most?By this means, when a battle's won, The war's as far from being done;For those that save themselves, and fly, Go halves, at least, i' th' victory; 270And sometimes, when the loss is small, And danger great, they challenge all;Print new additions to their feats, And emendations in Gazettes;And when, for furious haste to run, 275They durst not stay to fire a gun, Have done't with bonfires, and at homeMade squibs and crackers overcome;To set the rabble on a flame, And keep their governors from blame; 280Disperse the news the pulpit tells, Confirm'd with fire-works and with bells;And though reduc'd to that extream, They have been forc'd to sing Te Deum;Yet, with religious blasphemy, 285By flattering Heaven with a lieAnd for their beating giving thanks, Th' have rais'd recruits, and fill'd their banks;For those who run from th' enemy, Engage them equally to fly; 290And when the fight becomes a chace, Those win the day that win the raceAnd that which would not pass in fights, Has done the feat with easy flights;Recover'd many a desp'rate campaign 295With Bordeaux, Burgundy, and Champaign;Restor'd the fainting high and mightyWith brandy-wine and aqua-vitae;And made 'em stoutly overcomeWith bachrach, hoccamore, and mum; 300Whom the uncontroul'd decrees of fateTo victory necessitate;With which, although they run or burnThey unavoidably return:Or else their sultan populaces 305Still strangle all their routed Bassas. 

Quoth HUDIBRAS, I understandWhat fights thou mean'st at sea and land, And who those were that run away, And yet gave out th' had won the day; 310Although the rabble sous'd them for't, O'er head and ears in mud and dirt. 'Tis true, our modern way of warIs grown more politick by far, But not so resolute, and bold, 315Nor ty'd to honour, as the old. For now they laugh at giving battle, Unless it be to herds of cattle;Or fighting convoys of provision, The whole design o' the expedition: 320And not with downright blows to routThe enemy, but eat them out:As fighting, in all beasts of prey, And eating, are perform'd one way, To give defiance to their teeth 325And fight their stubborn guts to death;And those atchieve the high'st renown, That bring the others' stomachs down, There's now no fear of wounds, nor maiming;All dangers are reduc'd to famine; 330And feats of arms, to plot, design, Surprize, and stratagem, and mine;But have no need nor use of courage, Unless it be for glory or forage:For if they fight, 'tis but by chance, 335When one side vent'ring to advance, And come uncivilly too near, Are charg'd unmercifully i' th' rear;And forc'd with terrible resistance, To keep hereafter at a distance; 340To pick out ground to incamp upon, Where store of largest rivers run, That serve, instead of peaceful barriers, To part th' engagements of their warriors;Where both from side to side may skip, 345And only encounter at bo-peep:For men are found the stouter-hearted, The certainer th' are to be parted, And therefore post themselves in bogs, As th' ancient mice attack'd the frogs, 350And made their mortal enemy, The water-rat, their strict ally. For 'tis not now, who's stout and bold, But who bears hunger best, and cold;And he's approv'd the most deserving, 355Who longest can hold out at starving;And he that routs most pigs and cows, The formidablest man of prowess. So th' emperor CALIGULA, That triumph'd o'er the British Sea, 360Took crabs and oysters prisoners, Lobsters, 'stead of cuirasiers, Engag'd his legions in fierce bustlesWith periwinkles, prawns, and muscles;And led his troops with furious gallops, 365To charge whole regiments of scallopsNot like their ancient way of war, To wait on his triumphal carrBut when he went to dine or supMore bravely eat his captives up; 370And left all war, by his example, Reduc'd to vict'ling of a camp well. 

Quoth RALPH, By all that you have said, And twice as much that I cou'd add, 'Tis plain you cannot now do worse, 375Than take this out-of-fashion'd course;To hope, by stratagem, to woo her, Or waging battle to subdue herThough some have done it in romances, And bang'd them into amorous fancies; 380As those who won the AMAZONS, By wanton drubbing of their bones;And stout Rinaldo gain'd his bride, By courting of her back and side. But since those times and feats are over, 385They are not for a modern lover, When mistresses are too cross-grain'dBy such addresses to be gain'd;And if they were, wou'd have it outWith many another kind of bout. 390Therefore I hold no course s' infeasible, As this of force to win the JEZEBEL;To storm her heart, by th' antick charmsOf ladies errant, force of arms;But rather strive by law to win her, 395And try the title you have in her. Your case is clear; you have her word, And me to witness the accordBesides two more of her retinueTo testify what pass'd between you; 400More probable, and like to hold, Than hand, or seal, or breaking gold;For which so many, that renounc'dTheir plighted contracts, have been trounc'dAnd bills upon record been found, 405That forc'd the ladies to compound;And that, unless I miss the matter, Is all the bus'ness you look after. Besides, encounters at the barAre braver now than those in war, 410In which the law does executionWith less disorder and confusionHas more of honour in't, some holdNot like the new way, but the oldWhen those the pen had drawn together, 415Decided quarrels with the feather, And winged arrows kill'd as dead, And more than bullets now of lead. So all their combats now, as then, Are manag'd chiefly by the pen; 420That does the feat with braver vigours, In words at length, as well as figures;Is judge of all the world performsIn voluntary feats of armsAnd whatsoe'er's atchiev'd in fight, 425Determines which is wrong or right:For whether you prevail, or loseAll must be try'd there in the close;And therefore 'tis not wise to shunWhat you must trust to ere y' have done. 430

The law, that settles all you do, And marries where you did but woo;That makes the most perfidious loverA lady, that's as false, recover;And if it judge upon your side, 435Will soon extend her for your bride;And put her person, goods, or lands, Or which you like best int' your hands. 

For law's the wisdom of all ages, And manag'd by the ablest sages; 440Who, though their bus'ness at the barBe but a kind of civil war, In which th' engage with fiercer dudgeonsThan e'er the GRECIANS did and TROJANS, They never manage the contest 445T' impair their public interest;Or by their controversies lessenThe dignity of their profession:Not like us Brethren, who divideOur Commonwealth, the Cause, and Side; 450And though w' are all as near of kindredAs th' outward man is to the inward, We agree in nothing, but to wrangleAbout the slightest fingle-fangle;While lawyers have more sober sense 455Than t' argue at their own expence, But make their best advantagesOf others' quarrels, like the Swiss;And, out of foreign controversies, By aiding both sides, fill their purses; 460But have no int'rest in the causeFor which th' engage, and wage the laws;Nor further prospect than their pay, Whether they lose or win the day:And though th' abounded in all ages, 465With sundry learned clerks and sages, Though all their business be dispute, Which way they canvass ev'ry suit, Th' have no disputes about their art, Nor in Polemicks controvert: 470While all professions else are foundWith nothing but disputes t' aboundDivines of all sorts, and physicians, Philosophers, mathematicians:The Galenist and Paracelsian 475Condemn the way each other deals in:Anatomists dissect and mangle, To cut themselves out work to wrangleAstrologers dispute their dreams, That in their sleeps they talk of schemes: 480And heralds stickle, who got whoSo many hundred years ago. 

But lawyers are too wise a nationT' expose their trade to disputation;Or make the busy rabble judges 485Of all their secret piques and grudges;In which whoever wins the day, The whole profession's sure to pay. Beside, no mountebanks, nor cheats, Dare undertake to do their feats, 490When in all other sciencesThey swarm, like insects, and increase. 

For what bigot durst ever draw, By inward light, a deed in law?Or could hold forth, by revelation, 495An answer to a declaration?For those that meddle with their toolsWill cut their fingers, if they're fools;And if you follow their advice, In bills, and answers, and replies, 500They'll write a love-letter in chancery, Shall bring her upon oath to answer ye, And soon reduce her to b' your wife, Or make her weary of her life. 

The Knight, who us'd with tricks and shifts 505To edify by RALPHO's Gifts, But in appearance cry'd him down, To make them better seem his own, (All Plagiaries' constant courseOf sinking when they take a purse), 510Resolv'd to follow his advice, But kept it from him by disguise;And, after stubborn contradiction, To counterfeit his own conviction, And by transition fall upon 515The resolution as his own. 

Quoth he, This gambol thou advisestIs of all others the unwisest;For if I think by law to gain her, There's nothing sillier or vainer 520'Tis but to hazard my pretence, Where nothing's certain, but th' expence;To act against myself, and traverseMy suit and title, to her favoursAnd if she shou'd (which Heav'n forbid) 525O'erthrow me, as the fidler did, What aftercourse have I to take, 'Gainst losing all I have at stake?He that with injury is griev'd, And goes to law to be reliev'd, 530Is sillier than a sottish chowse, Who, when thief has robb'd his house, Applies himself to cunning men, To help him to his goods agen;When all he can expect to gain, 535Is but to squander more in vain;And yet I have no other wayBut is as difficult to play. For to reduce her by main force, Is now in vain; by fair means, worse; 540But worst of all, to give her over, 'Till she's as desp'rate to recoverFor bad games are thrown up too soon, Until th' are never to be won. But since I have no other course, 545But is as bad t' attempt, or worse, He that complies against his will, Is of his own opinion still;Which he may adhere to, yet disown, For reasons to himself best known: 550But 'tis not to b' avoided now, For SIDROPHEL resolves to sue;Whom I must answer, or beginInevitably first with him. For I've receiv'd advertisement, 555By times enough, of his intent;And knowing he that first complainsTh' advantage of the business gains;For Courts of Justice understandThe plaintiff to be eldest hand; 560Who what he pleases may aver;The other, nothing, till he swear;Is freely admitted to all grace, And lawful favour, by his place;And, for his bringing custom in, 565Has all advantages to win. I, who resolve to overseeNo lucky opportunity, Will go to council, to adviseWhich way t' encounter, or surprize, 570And, after long consideration, Have found out one to fit th' occasion;Most apt for what I have to do, As counsellor and justice too. And truly so, no doubt, he was, 575A lawyer fit for such a case. 

An old dull sot, who told the clockFor many years at Bridewell-dock, At Westminster, and Hicks's-Hall, And Hiccius Doctius play'd in all; 580Where, in all governments and times, H' had been both friend and foe to crimes, And us'd two equal ways of gainingBy hind'ring justice or maintaining;To many a whore gave priviledge, 585And whipp'd for want of quarteridge:Cart-loads of bawds to prison sentFor b'ing behind a fortnight's rentAnd many a trusty pimp and croneyTo Puddle-dock for want of money; 590Engag'd the constable to seizeAll those that would not break the peace, Nor give him back his own foul words, Though sometimes Commoners or Lords, And kept 'em prisoners of course, 595For being sober at ill hours;That in the morning he might freeOr bind 'em over for his fee;Made monsters fine, and puppet-plays, For leave to practise in their ways; 600Farm'd out all cheats, and went a shareWith th' headborough and scavenger;And made the dirt i' th' streets compoundFor taking up the publick ground;The kennel, and the King's highway, 605For being unmolested, pay;Let out the stocks, and whipping-post, And cage, to those that gave him most;Impos'd a tax on bakers' ears, And for false weights on chandelers; 610Made victuallers and vintners fineFor arbitrary ale and wine;But was a kind and constant friendTo all that regularly offend;As residentiary bawds, 615And brokers that receive stol'n goods;That cheat in lawful mysteries, And pay church duties and his fees;But was implacable, and awkward, To all that interlop'd and hawker'd. 620

To this brave man the Knight repairsFor council in his law-affairsAnd found him mounted in his pew, With books and money plac'd for shew, Like nest-eggs to make clients lay, 625And for his false opinion payTo whom the knight, with comely grace, Put off his hat to put his caseWhich he as proudly entertain'dAs th' other courteously strain'd; 630And, to assure him 't was not thatHe look'd for, bid him put on's hat. 

Quoth he, There is one SIDROPHEL, Whom I have cudgell'd -- Very well. And now he brags t' have beaten me. -- 635Better and better still, quoth he. --And vows to stick me to a wallWhere-e'er he meets me -- Best of all. 'Tis true, the knave has taken's oathThat I robb'd him -- Well done, in troth 640When h' has confess'd he stole my cloak, And pick'd my fob, and what he took;Which was the cause that made me bang him, And take my goods again -- Marry hang him. Now whether I should before-hand, 645Swear he robb'd me? -- I understand. Or bring my action of conversionAnd trover for my goods? -- Ah, Whoreson!Or if 'tis better to indite, And bring him to his trial? -- Right. 650Prevent what he designs to do, And swear for th' State against him? -- True. Or whether he that is defendantIn this case has the better end on't;Who, putting in a new cross-bill, 655May traverse th' action? -- Better still. Then there's a Lady too -- Aye, marryThat's easily prov'd accessary;A widow, who, by solemn vowsContracted to me for my spouse, 660Combin'd with him to break her word, And has abetted all. -- Good LordSuborn'd th' aforesaid SIDROPHELTo tamper with the Dev'l of Hell;Who put m' into a horrid fear, 665Fear of my life. -- Make that appear. Made an assault with fiends and menUpon my body. -- Good agen, And kept me in a deadly fright, And false imprisonment, all night 670Mean while they robb'd me, and my horse, And stole my saddle. -- Worse and worse. And made me mount upon the bare ridge, T' avoid a wretcheder miscarriage. 

Sir, quoth the Lawyer, not to flatter ye, 675You have as good and fair a batteryAs heart can wish, and need not shameThe proudest man alive to claim. For if th' have us'd you as you say;Marry, quoth I, God give you joy. 680I wou'd it were my case, I'd giveMore than I'll say, or you'll believe. I would so trounce her, and her purse;I'd make her kneel for better or worse;For matrimony and hanging here 685Both go by destiny so clear, That you as sure may pick and choose, As Cross, I win; and, Pile, you lose;And, if I durst, I would advanceAs much in ready maintenance, 690As upon any case I've known, But we that practise dare not own. The law severely contrabandsOur taking bus'ness off men's hands;'Tis common barratry, that bears 695Point-blank an action 'gainst our earsAnd crops them till there is not leatherTo stick a pin in left of either;For which some do the Summer-sault, And o'er the bar, like tumblers, vault, 700But you may swear, at any rate, Things not in nature, for the State;For in all courts of justice hereA witness is not said to swear, But make oath; that is, in plain terms, 705To forge whatever he affirms. 

(I thank you, quoth the Knight, for that, Because 'tis to my purpose pat -- )For Justice, though she's painted blind, Is to the weaker Side inclin'd, 710Like Charity; else right and wrongCould never hold it out so long, And, like blind Fortune, with a slightConvey mens' interest and rightFrom Stiles's pocket into Nokes's, 715As easily as Hocus Pocus;Play fast and loose; make men obnoxious, And clear again, like Hiccius Doctius. Then whether you wou'd take her life, Or but recover her for your wife, 720Or be content with what she has, And let all other matters pass, The bus'ness to the law's alone, The proof is all it looks upon:And you can want no witnesses 725To swear to any thing you please, That hardly get their mere expencesBy th' labour of their consciences;Or letting out to hire their earsTo affidavit customers, 730At inconsiderable values, To serve for jury-men or tallies, Although retain'd in th' hardest matters, Of trustees and administrators. 

For that, quoth he, let me alone; 735W' have store of such, and all our own;Bred up and tutor'd by our teachers, The ablest of conscience-stretchers. That's well, quoth he; but I should guess, By weighing all advantages, 740Your surest way is first to pitchOn BONGEY for a water-witch;And when y' have hang'd the conjurer, Y' have time enough to deal with her. In th' int'rim, spare for no trepans 745To draw her neck into the bansPly her with love-letters and billets, And bait 'em well, for quirks and quilletsWith trains t' inveigle, and surprize, Her heedless answers and replies; 750And if she miss the mouse-trap lines, They'll serve for other by-designs;And make an artist understandTo copy out her seal or hand;Or find void places in the paper 755To steal in something to intrap herTill, with her worldly goods and body, Spight of her heart, she has endow'd ye, Retain all sorts of witnesses, That ply i' th' Temple under trees; 760Or walk the round, with knights o' th' posts, About the cross-legg'd knights, their hosts;Or wait for customers betweenThe pillars-rows in Lincoln's-InnWhere vouchers, forgers, common-bail, 765And affidavit-men, ne'er failT' expose to sale all sorts of oaths, According to their ears and cloaths, Their only necessary tools, Besides the Gospel and their souls; 770And when y' are furnish'd with all purveys, I shall be ready at your service. 

I would not give, quoth HUDIBRAS, A straw to understand a case, Without the admirable skill 775To wind and manage it at will;To vere, and tack, and steer a causeAgainst the weather-gage of laws;And ring the changes upon casesAs plain as noses upon faces, 780As you have well instructed me, For which you've earn'd (here 'tis) your fee. I long to practise your advice, And try the subtle artifice;To bait a letter, as you bid; 785As not long after, thus he didFor having pump'd up all his wit, And humm'd upon it, thus he writ. 

NOTES TO PART III CANTO III. 

8 q Than Hags with all their Imps and Teats. ] Alluding to thevulgar opinion, that witches have their imps, or familiar spirits, that are employed in their diabolical practices, and suck privateteats they have about them. 

15 r As Rosi-crucian Virtuosos, &c. ] The Rosicrusians were asect that appeared in Germany in the beginning of the XVIIthage. They are also called the Enlightened, Immortal, andInvisible. They are a very enthusiastical sort of men, and holdmany wild and extravagant opinions. 

36 s From Marshal Legion's Regiment. ] He used to preach, as ifthey might expect legions to drop down from heaven, for thepropagation of the good Old Cause. 

145 t More plainly than the Reverend Writer, &c. ] A mostReverend Prelate, A. B. Of Y. Who sided with the disaffectedparty. 

261 u If the Ancients crown'd their bravest Men, &c. ] TheRomans highly honoured, and nobly rewarded, those personsthat were instrumental in the preservation of the lives of theircitizens, either in battle or otherwise

305 w Or else their Sultan Populaces, &c. ] The Authorcompares the arbitrary actings of the ungovernable mob to theSultan or Grand Signior, who very seldom fails to sacrifice anyof his chief commanders, called Bassas, if they proveunsuccessful in battle. 

350 x As the ancient Mice attack'd the Frogs. ) Homer wrote apoem of the War between the Mice and the Frogs. 

383 y And stout Rinaldo gain'd his Bride, &c. ] A story in Tasso, an Italian Poet, of a hero that gained his mistress by conqueringher party. 

577 z An old dull Sot, who told the Clock, &c. ] Prideux, ajustice of peace, a very pragmatical busy person in those times, and a mercenary and cruel magistrate, infamous for thefollowing methods of getting of money among many others. 

589 a And many a trusty Pimp and Croney, &c. ] There was agaol for puny offenders. 

599 b Made Monsters fine, and Puppet-plays, &c. ] He extortedmoney from those that kept shows. 

715 c From Stiles's Pocket into Nokes's, &c. ] John a Nokes, andJohn a Stiles, are two fictitious names made use of in statingcases of law only. 

742 d On BONGEY for a Water Witch. ] Bongey was aFranciscan, and lived towards the end of the thirteenth century, a doctor of divinity in Oxford; and a particular acquaintance ofFriar Bacon's. In that ignorant age, every thing that seemedextraordinary was reputed magick; and so both Bacon andBongey went under the imputation of studying the black-art. Bongey also, publishing a treatise of Natural Magick, confirmedsome well-meaning credulous people in this opinion; but it wasaltogether groundless; for Bongey was chosen provincial of hisorder, being a person of most excellent parts and piety. 

AN HEROICAL EPISTLE OF HUDIBRAS TO HIS LADY. 

I who was once as great as CAESAR, Am now reduc'd to NEBUCHADNEZZAR;And from as fam'd a conquerorAs ever took degree in war, Or did his exercise in battle, 5By you turn'd out to grass with cattle:For since I am deny'd accessTo all my earthly happinessAm fallen from the paradiseOf your good graces, and fair eyes; 10Lost to the world, and you, I'm sentTo everlasting banishment;Where all the hopes I had t' have wonYour heart, b'ing dash'd, will break my own. 

Yet if you were not so severe 15To pass your doom before you hear, You'd find, upon my just defence, How much y' have wrong'd my innocence. That once I made a vow to you, Which yet is unperformed, 'tis true: 20But not because it is unpaid, 'Tis violated, though delay'd;Or, if it were, it is no fau't, So heinous as you'd have it thought;To undergo the loss of ears, 25Like vulgar hackney perjurersFor there's a diff'rence in the case, Between the noble and the base, Who always are observ'd t' have done'tUpon as different an account: 30The one for great and weighty cause, To salve in honour ugly flaws;For none are like to do it soonerThan those who are nicest of their honour:The other, for base gain and pay, 35Forswear, and perjure by the day;And make th' exposing and retailingTheir souls and consciences a calling. 

It is no scandal, nor aspersion, Upon a great and noble person, 40To say he nat'rally abhorr'dTh' old-fashion'd trick, To keep his word;Though 'tis perfidiousness and shameIn meaner men to do the same:For to be able to forget, 45Is found more useful to the great, Than gout, or deafness, or bad eyes, To make 'em pass for wond'rous wise. But though the law on perjurersInflicts the forfeiture of ears, 50It is not just that does exemptThe guilty, and punish th' innocent;To make the ears repair the wrongCommitted by th' ungovern'd tongue;And when one member is forsworn, 55Another to be cropt or torn. And if you shou'd, as you design, By course of law, recover mine, You're like, if you consider right, To gain but little honour by't. 60For he that for his lady's sakeLays down his life or limbs at stake, Does not so much deserve her favour, As he that pawns his soul to have her, This y' have acknowledg'd I have done, 65Although you now disdain to own;But sentence what you rather oughtT' esteem good service than a fau't. Besides, oaths are not bound to bearThat literal sense the words infer, 70But, by the practice of the age, Are to be judg'd how far th' engage;And, where the sense by custom's checkt, Are found void, and of none effect. For no man takes or keeps a vow 75But just as he sees others do;Nor are th' oblig'd to be so brittle, As not to yield and bow a little:For as best-temper'd blades are found, Before they break, to bend quite round, 80So truest oaths are still most tough, And though they bow, are breaking proof. Then wherefore should they not b' allow'dIn love a greater latitude?For as the law of arms approves 85All ways to conquest, so should love's;And not be ty'd to true or false, But make that justest that prevailsFor how can that which is aboveAll empire, high and mighty love, 90Submit its great prerogativeTo any other power alive?Shall love, that to no crown gives place, Become the subject of a case?The fundamental law of nature, 95Be over-rul'd by those made after?Commit the censure of its causeTo any but its own great laws?Love, that's the world's preservative, 100That keeps all souls of things alive;Controuls the mighty pow'r of fate, And gives mankind a longer date;The life of nature, that restoresAs fast as time and death devours;To whose free-gift the world does owe, 105Not only earth, but heaven too;For love's the only trade that's driven, The interest of state in heav'n, Which nothing but the soul of manIs capable to entertain. 110For what can earth produce, but loveTo represent the joys above?Or who but lovers can converse, Like angels, by the eye-discourse?Address and compliment by vision; 115Make love and court by intuition?And burn in amorous flames as fierceAs those celestial ministers?Then how can any thing offend, In order to so great an end? 120Or heav'n itself a sin resent, That for its own supply was meant?That merits, in a kind mistake, A pardon for th' offence's sake. Or if it did not, but the cause 125Were left to th' injury at laws, What tyranny can disapproveThere should be equity in love;For laws that are inanimate, And feel no sense of love or hate, 130That have no passion of their own, Nor pity to be wrought upon, Are only proper to inflictRevenge on criminals as strictBut to have power to forgive, 135Is empire and prerogative;And 'tis in crowns a nobler gemTo grant a pardon than condemn. Then since so few do what they ought, 'Tis great t' indulge a well-meant fau't. 140For why should he who made address, All humble ways, without success, And met with nothing, in return, But insolence, affronts, and scorn, Not strive by wit to countermine, 145And bravely carry his design?He who was us'd so unlike a soldier, Blown up with philters of love-powder?And after letting blood, and purging, Condemn'd to voluntary scourging; 150Alarm'd with many a horrid fright, And claw'd by goblins in the night;Insulted on, revil'd, and jeer'd, With rude invasion of his beard;And when your sex was foully scandal'd, 155As foully by the rabble handled;Attack'd by despicable foes, And drub'd with mean and vulgar blows;And, after all, to be debarr'dSo much as standing on his guard; 160When horses, being spurr'd and prick'd, Have leave to kick for being kick'd?

Or why should you, whose mother-witsAre furnish'd with all perquisites, That with your breeding-teeth begin, 165And nursing babies, that lie in, B' allow'd to put all tricks uponOur cully sex, and we use none?We, who have nothing but frail vowsAgainst your stratagems t' oppose; 170Or oaths more feeble than your own, By which we are no less put down?You wound, like Parthians, while you fly, And kill with a retreating eye:Retire the more, the more we press 175To draw us into ambushes. As pirates all false colours wearT' intrap th' unwary mariner, So women, to surprise us, spreadThe borrow'd flags of white and red; 180Display 'em thicker on their cheeksThan their old grandmothers, the Picts;And raise more devils with their looks, Than conjurer's less subtle books;Lay trains of amorous intrigues, 185In tow'rs, and curls, and perriwigs, With greater art and cunning rear'd, Than PHILIP NYE's thanksgiving beard, Prepost'rously t' entice, and gainThose to adore 'em they disdain; 190And only draw 'em in, to clogWith idle names a catalogue. 

A lover is, the more he's brave, T' his mistress but the more a slave;And whatsoever she commands, 195Becomes a favour from her hands;Which he's obliged t' obey, and must, Whether it be unjust or just. Then when he is compell'd by herT' adventures he would else forbear, 200Who with his honour can withstand, Since force is greater than command?And when necessity's obey'd, Nothing can be unjust or badAnd therefore when the mighty pow'rs 205Of love, our great ally and yours, Join'd forces not to be withstoodBy frail enamour'd flesh and blood, All I have done, unjust or ill, Was in obedience to your will; 210And all the blame that can be due, Falls to your cruelty and you. Nor are those scandals I confest, Against my will and interest, More than is daily done of course 215By all men, when they're under force;When some upon the rack confessWhat th' hangman and their prompters please;But are no sooner out of pain, Than they deny it all again. 220But when the Devil turns confessor, Truth is a crime he takes no pleasureTo hear, or pardon, like the founderOf liars, whom they all claim underAnd therefore, when I told him none, 225I think it was the wiser done. Nor am I without precedent, The first that on th' adventure wentAll mankind ever did of course, And daily dues the same, or worse. 230For what romance can show a lover, That had a lady to recover, And did not steer a nearer course, To fall a-board on his amours?And what at first was held a crime, 235Has turn'd to honourable in time. 

To what a height did infant ROME, By ravishing of women, comeWhen men upon their spouses seiz'd, And freely marry'd where they pleas'd, 240They ne'er forswore themselves, nor ly'd. Nor, in the mind they were in, dy'd;Nor took the pains t' address and sue, Nor play'd the masquerade to woo;Disdain'd to stay for friends' consents; 245Nor juggled about settlements:Did need no license, nor no priest, Nor friends, nor kindred, to assist;Nor lawyers, to join land and moneyIn th' holy state of matrimony, 250Before they settled hands and hearts, Till alimony or death them parts:Nor wou'd endure to stay untilTh' had got the very bride's good will;But took a wise and shorter course 255To win the ladies, downright force. And justly made 'em prisoners then, As they have often since, us men, With acting plays, and dancing jigs, The luckiest of all love's intrigues; 260And when they had them at their pleasure, Then talk'd of love and flames at leisure;For after matrimony's over, He that holds out but half a lover, Deserves for ev'ry minute more 265Than half a year of love before;For which the dames in contemplationOf that best way of application, Prov'd nobler wives than e'er was known, By suit or treaty to be won; 270And such as all posterityCou'd never equal nor come nigh. 

For women first were made for men, Not men for them. -- It follows, then, That men have right to ev'ry one, 275And they no freedom of their ownAnd therefore men have pow'r to chuse, But they no charter to refuse. Hence 'tis apparent, that what courseSoe'er we take to your amours, 280Though by the indirectest way, 'Tis no injustice, nor foul play;And that you ought to take that course, As we take you, for better or worse;And gratefully submit to those 285Who you, before another, chose. For why should ev'ry savage beastExceed his great lord's interest?Have freer pow'r than he in grace, And nature, o'er the creature has? 290Because the laws he since has madeHave cut off all the pow'r he had;Retrench'd the absolute dominionThat nature gave him over women;When all his pow'r will not extend 295One law of nature to suspend;And but to offer to repealThe smallest clause, is to rebel. This, if men rightly understoodTheir privilege, they wou'd make good; 300And not, like sots, permit their wivesT' encroach on their prerogatives;For which sin they deserve to beKept, as they are, in slavery:And this some precious Gifted Teachers, 305Unrev'rently reputed leachers, And disobey'd in making love, Have vow'd to all the world to prove, And make ye suffer, as you ought, For that uncharitable fau't. 310But I forget myself, and roveBeyond th' instructions of my love. 

Forgive me (Fair) and only blameTh' extravagancy of my flame, Since 'tis too much at once to show 315Excess of love and temper too. All I have said that's bad and true, Was never meant to aim at you, Who have so sov'reign a controulO'er that poor slave of yours, my soul, 320That, rather than to forfeit you, Has ventur'd loss of heaven too:Both with an equal pow'r possest, To render all that serve you blest:But none like him, who's destin'd either 325To have, or lose you, both together. And if you'll but this fault release(For so it must be, since you please)I'll pay down all that vow, and more, Which you commanded, and I swore, 330And expiate upon my skinTh' arrears in full of all my sin. For 'tis but just that I should payTh' accruing penance for delay, Which shall be done, until it move 335Your equal pity and your love. 

The Knight, perusing this Epistle, Believ'd h' had brought her to his whistle;And read it like a jocund lover, With great applause t' himself, twice over; 340Subscrib'd his name, but at a fitAnd humble distance to his wit;And dated it with wond'rous art, Giv'n from the bottom of his heart;Then seal'd it with his Coat of Love, 345A smoaking faggot -- and above, Upon a scroll -- I burn, and weep;And near it -- For her Ladyship;Of all her sex most excellent, These to her gentle hands present. 350Then gave it to his faithful Squire, With lessons how t' observe and eye her. 

She first consider'd which was better, To send it back, or burn the letter. But guessing that it might import, 355Though nothing else, at least her sport, She open'd it, and read it out, With many a smile and leering flout:Resolv'd to answer it in kind, And thus perform'd what she design'd. 360

NOTES ON HUDIBRAS's EPISTLE TO HIS LADY. 

113 e Or who but Lovers can converse, &c. ] Metaphysicians areof opinion, that angels and souls departed, being divested of allgross matter, understand each other's sentiments by intuition, and consequently maintain a sort of conversation without theorgans of speech. 

121 f Or Heav'n itself a Sin resent, &c. ] In regard children arecapable of being inhabitants of Heaven, therefore it should notresent it as a crime to supply store of inhabitants for it. 

173 g You wound like Parthians while you fly, &c. ] Parthiansare the inhabitants of a province in Persia: They were excellenthorsemen, and very exquisite at their bows; and it is reported ofthem, that they generally slew more on their retreat than theydid in the engagement. 

188 h Than Philip Nye's Thanksgiving Beard ] One of theAssembly of Divines, very remarkable for the singularity of hisbeard. 

237 i To what a Height did Infant Rome, &c. ] When Romulushad built Rome, he made it an asylum, or place of refuge, for allmalefactors, and others obnoxious to the laws to retire to; bywhich means it soon came to be very populous; but when hebegan to consider, that, without propagation, it would soon bedestitute of inhabitants, he invented several fine shows, andinvited the young Sabine women, then neighbours to them; andwhen they had them secure, they ravished them; from whenceproceeded so numerous an offspring. 

252 k Till Alimony or Death them parts. ] Alimony is anallowance that the law gives the woman for her separatemaintenance upon living from her husband. That and death arereckoned the only separations in a married state. 

THE LADY'S ANSWER TO THE KNIGHT. 

THAT you're a beast, and turn'd to grass, Is no strange news, nor ever was;At least to me, who once you know, Did from the pound replevin you, When both your sword and spurs were won 5In combat by an Amazon. That sword, that did (like Fate) determineTh' inevitable death of vermine, And never dealt its furious blows, But cut the throats of pigs and cows, 10By TRULLA was, in single fight, Disarm'd and wrested from its knight;Your heels degraded of your spurs, And in the stocks close prisoners;Where still they'd lain, in base restraint, 15If I, in pity of your complaint, Had not on honourable conditions, Releast 'em from the worst of prisonsAnd what return that favour metYou cannot (though you wou'd) forget; 20When, being free, you strove t' evadeThe oaths you had in prison made;Forswore yourself; and first deny'd it, But after own'd and justify'd itAnd when y' had falsely broke one vow, 25Absolv'd yourself by breaking two. For while you sneakingly submit, And beg for pardon at our feet, Discourag'd by your guilty fears, To hope for quarter for your ears, 30And doubting 'twas in vain to sue, You claim us boldly as your due;Declare that treachery and force, To deal with us, is th' only course;We have no title nor pretence 35To body, soul, or conscience;But ought to fall to that man's shareThat claims us for his proper ware. These are the motives which, t' induceOr fright us into love, you use. 40A pretty new way of gallanting, Between soliciting and ranting;Like sturdy beggars, that intreatFor charity at once, and threat. But since you undertake to prove 45Your own propriety in love, As if we were but lawful prizeIn war between two enemies, Or forfeitures, which ev'ry lover, That wou'd but sue for, might recover, 50It is not hard to understandThe myst'ry of this bold demand, That cannot at our persons aim, But something capable of claim. 

'Tis not those paultry counterfeit 55French stones, which in our eyes you set, But our right diamonds, that inspireAnd set your am'rous hearts on fire. Nor can those false St. Martin's beads, Which on our lips you lay for reds, 60And make us wear, like Indian dames, Add fuel to your scorching flames;But those true rubies of the rock, Which in our cabinets we lock. 'Tis not those orient pearls our teeth, 65That you are so transported with;But those we wear about our necks, Produce those amorous effects. Nor is't those threads of gold, our hair, The periwigs you make us wear, 70But those bright guineas in our chests, That light the wild fire in your breasts. These love-tricks I've been vers'd in so, That all their sly intrigues I know, And can unriddle, by their tones, 75Their mystick cabals and jargones;Can tell what passions, by their sounds, Pine for the beauties of my grounds;What raptures fond and amorousO' th' charms and graces of my house; 80What extasy and scorching flame, Burns for my money in my name;What from th' unnatural desireTo beasts and cattle takes its fire;What tender sigh, and trickling tear, 85Longs for a thousand pounds a year;And languishing transports are fondOf statute, mortgage, bill, and bond. 

These are th' attracts which most men fallInamour'd, at first sight, withal 90To these th' address with serenades, And court with balls and masquerades;And yet, for all the yearning painY' have suffer'd for their loves in vain, I fear they'll prove so nice and coy 95To have, and t' hold and to enjoyThat all your oaths and labour lost, They'll ne'er turn ladies of the post. This is not meant to disapproveYour judgment in your choice of love; 100Which is so wise, the greatest partOf mankind study 't as an art;For love shou'd, like a deodand, Still fall to th' owner of the land;And where there's substance for its ground, 105Cannot but be more firm and soundThan that which has the slightest basisOf airy virtue, wit, and graces;Which is of such thin subtlety, It steals and creeps in at the eye, 110And, as it can't endure to stay, Steals out again as nice a way. 

But love, that its extraction ownsFrom solid gold and precious stonesMust, like its shining parents, prove 115As solid and as glorious love. Hence 'tis you have no way t'expressOur charms and graces but by these:For what are lips, and eyes, and teeth, Which beauty invades and conquers with, 120But rubies, pearls, and diamonds, With which a philter-love commands?

This is the way all parents prove, In managing their childrens' love;That force 'em t' intermarry and wed, 125As if th' were bur'ing of the dead;Cast earth to earth, as in the grave, To join in wedlock all they have:And when the settlement's in force, Take all the rest for better or worse; 130For money has a power aboveThe stars and fate to manage love;Whose arrows, learned poets hold, That never miss, are tipp'd with gold. And though some say, the parents' claims 135To make love in their childrens' names, Who many times at once provideThe nurse, the husband, and the brideFeel darts and charms, attracts and flames, And woo and contract in their names; 140And as they christen, use to marry 'em, And, like their gossips, answer for 'em;Is not to give in matrimony, But sell and prostitute for money;'Tis better than their own betrothing, 145Who often do't for worse than nothing;And when th' are at their own dispose, With greater disadvantage choose. All this is right; but for the courseYou take to do't, by fraud or force, 150'Tis so ridiculous, as soonAs told, 'tis never to be done;No more than setters can betray, That tell what tricks they are to play. Marriage, at best, is but a vow, 155Which all men either break or bow:Then what will those forbear to do, Who perjure when they do but woo?Such as before-hand swear and lieFor earnest to their treachery; 160And, rather than a crime confess, With greater strive to make it less;Like thieves, who, after sentence past, Maintain their innocence to the last;And when their crimes were made appear 165As plain as witnesses can swear, Yet, when the wretches come to die, Will take upon their death a lie, Nor are the virtues you confestT' your ghostly father, as you guest, 170So slight as to be justify'dBy being as shamefully deny'd, As if you thought your word would passPoint-blank on both sides of a case;Or credit were not to be lost 175B' a brave Knight-Errant of the Post, That eats perfidiously his word, And swears his ears through a two inch board:Can own the same thing, and disown, And perjure booty, Pro and Con: 180Can make the Gospel serve his turn, And help him out, to be forsworn;When 'tis laid hands upon, and kist, To be betray'd and sold like Christ. These are the virtues in whose name 185A right to all the world you claim, And boldly challenge a dominion, In grace and nature, o'er all women;Of whom no less will satisfyThan all the sex your tyranny, 190Although you'll find it a hard province, With all your crafty frauds and covins, To govern such a num'rous crew, Who, one by one, now govern you:For if you all were SOLOMONS, 195And wise and great as he was once, You'll find they're able to subdue(As they did him) and baffle you. 

And if you are impos'd upon'Tis by your own temptation done, 200That with your ignorance invite;And teach us how to use the slight. For when we find y' are still more takenWith false attracts of our own making;Swear that's a rose, and that a stone, 205Like sots, to us that laid it on, And what we did but slightly prime, Most ignorantly daub in rhime;You force us, in our own defences, To copy beams and influences; 210To lay perfections on the graces, And draw attracts upon our faces;And, in compliance to your wit, Your own false jewels counterfeit. For, by the practice of those arts 215We gain a greater share of hearts;And those deserve in reason mostThat greatest pains and study cost;For great perfections are, like heaven, Too rich a present to be given. 220Nor are these master-strokes of beautyTo be perform'd without hard duty, Which, when they're nobly done and well, The simple natural excell. How fair and sweet the planted rose 225Beyond the wild in hedges grows!For without art the noblest seedsOf flow'rs degen'rate into weeds. How dull and rugged, e're 'tis groundAnd polish'd, looks a diamond! 230Though Paradise were e'er so fair, It was not kept so without care. The whole world, without art and dress, Would be but one great wilderness;And mankind but a savage herd, 235For all that nature has conferr'd. This does but rough-hew, and design;Leaves art to polish and refine. Though women first were made for men, Yet men were made for them agen; 240For when (outwitted by his wife)Man first turn'd tenant but for life, If women had not interven'd, How soon had mankind had an end!And that it is in being yet, 245To us alone you are in debt. And where's your liberty of choice, And our unnatural No Voice?Since all the privilege you boast, And falsly usurp'd, or vainly lost, 250Is now our right; to whose creationYou owe your happy restoration:And if we had not weighty causeTo not appear, in making laws, We could, in spite of all your tricks, 255And shallow, formal politicks, Force you our managements t' obey, As we to yours (in shew) give way. Hence 'tis that, while you vainly striveT' advance your high prerogative, 260You basely, after all your braves, Submit, and own yourselves our slaves;And 'cause we do not make it known, Nor publickly our int'rest own, Like sots, suppose we have no shares 265In ord'ring you and your affairs;When all your empire and commandYou have from us at second handAs if a pilot, that appearsTo sit still only while he steers, 270And does not make a noise and stirLike ev'ry common mariner, Knew nothing of the card, nor star, And did not guide the man of war;Nor we, because we don't appear 275In councils, do not govern there;While, like the mighty PRESTER JOHN, Whose person none dares look upon, But is preserv'd in close disguise, From being made cheap to vulgar eyes, 280W' enjoy as large a pow'r unseen, To govern him, as he does men;And in the right of our Pope JOAN, Make Emp'rors at our feet fall down;Or JOAN DE PUCEL'S braver name, 285Our right to arms and conduct claim;Who, though a Spinster, yet was ableTo serve FRANCE for a Grand Constable. 

We make and execute all laws;Can judge the judges and the cause; 290Prescribe all rules of right or wrongTo th' long robe, and the longer tongue;'Gainst which the world has no defence;But our more pow'rful eloquence. We manage things of greatest weight 295In all the world's affairs of stateAre ministers of war and peace, That sway all nations how we please. We rule all churches and their flocks, Heretical and orthodox; 300And are the heavenly vehiclesO' th' spirits in all conventicles. By us is all commerce and tradeImprov'd, and manag'd, and decay'd;For nothing can go off so well, 305Nor bears that price, as what we sell. We rule in ev'ry publique meeting, And make men do what we judge fitting;Are magistrates in all great towns, Where men do nothing but wear gowns. 310We make the man of war strike sail, And to our braver conduct veil, And, when h' has chac'd his enemies, Submit to us upon his knees. Is there an officer of state 315Untimely rais'd, or magistrate, That's haughty and imperious?He's but a journeyman to us. That as he gives us cause to do't, Can keep him in, or turn him out. 320

We are your guardians, that increaseOr waste your fortunes how we please;And, as you humour us, can dealIn all your matters, ill or well. 

'Tis we that can dispose alone, 325Whether your heirs shall be your own, To whose integrity you must, In spight of all your caution, trust;And, 'less you fly beyond the seas, Can fit you with what heirs we please; 330And force you t' own 'em, though begottenBy French Valets or Irish Footmen. Nor can the vigorousest coursePrevail, unless to make us worse;Who still, the harsher we are us'd, 335Are further off from b'ing reduc'd;And scorn t' abate, for any ills, The least punctilios of our wills. Force does but whet our wits t' applyArts, born with us, for remedy; 340Which all your politicks, as yet, Have ne'er been able to defeat:For when y' have try'd all sorts of ways, What fools d' we make of you in plays!While all the favours we afford, 345Are but to girt you with the sword, To fight our battles in our steads, And have your brains beat out o' your heads;Encounter, in despite of nature, And fight at once, with fire and water, 350With pirates, rocks, and storms, and seas, Our pride and vanity t' appease;Kill one another, and cut throats, For our good graces, and best thoughts;To do your exercise for honour, 355And have your brains beat out the sooner;Or crack'd, as learnedly, uponThings that are never to be known;And still appear the more industrious, The more your projects are prepost'rous; 360To square the circle of the arts, And run stark mad to shew your parts;Expound the oracle of laws, And turn them which way we see causeBe our solicitors and agents, 365And stand for us in all engagements. 

And these are all the mighty pow'rsYou vainly boast to cry down ours;And what in real value's wanting, Supply with vapouring and ranting; 370Because yourselves are terrify'd, And stoop to one another's pride, Believe we have as little witTo be out-hector'd, and submit;By your example, lose that right 375In treaties which we gain'd in fight;And, terrify'd into an awe, Pass on ourselves a Salique law:

Or, as some nations use, give place, And truckle to your mighty race; 380Let men usurp th' unjust dominion, As if they were the better women. 

NOTES ON THE LADY's ANSWER TO THE KNIGHT. 

133 l Whose Arrows learned Poets hold, &c. ] The poets feignCupid to have two sorts of arrows; the one tipped with gold, andthe other with lead. The golden always inspire and inflame lovein the persons he wounds with them: but, on the contrary, theleaden create the utmost aversion and hatred. With the first ofthese he shot Apollo, and with the other Daphne, according toOvid. 

277 m While, like the mighty Prester John, &c. ] Prester John, an absolute prince, emperor of Abyssinia or Ethiopia. One ofthem is reported to have had seventy kings for his vassals, andso superb and arrogant, that none durst look upon him withouthis permission. 

285 Or Joan de Pucel's braver Name. ] Joan of Arc, called alsothe Pucelle, or Maid of Orleans. She was born at the town ofDamremi, on the Meuse, daughter of James de Arc, and IsabellaRomee; and was bred, up a shepherdess in the country. At theage of eighteen or twenty she pretended to an expresscommission from God to go to the relief of Orleans, thenbesieged by the English, and defended by John Compte deDennis, and almost reduced to the last extremity. She went tothe coronation of Charles the Seventh, when he was almostruined. She knew that prince in the midst of his nobles; thoughmeanly habited. The doctors of divinity, and members ofparliament, openly declared that there was some thingsupernatural in her conduct. She sent for a sword, which lay inthe tomb of a knight, which was behind the great altar of thechurch of St. Katharine de Forbois, upon the blade of which thecross and flower-de-luces were engraven, which put the king ina very great surprise, in regard none besides himself knew of it. Upon this he sent her with the command of some troops, withwhich she relieved Orleans, and drove the English from it, defeated Talbot at the battle of Pattai, and recoveredChampagne. At last she was unfortunately taken prisoner in asally at Champagne in 1430, and tried for a witch or sorceress, condemned, and burnt in Rouen market-place in May 1430. 

378 o Pass on ourselves a Salique Law. ] The Salique Law is alaw in France, whereby it is enacted, that no female shall inheritthat crown. 

GLOSSARY

Advowtry: AdulteryAnimalia: Animals (L. )Arsie-versie: Upside-downAruspicy: Prophesying, fortune-tellingBachrach: Wine from Bacharach, in GermanyBavin: A bundle of firewoodBoutefeu: Arsonist or (literal or metaphorical) firebrandCacodaemon: An evil SpiritCaldes'd: CheatedCalendae: The 1st or 2nd of the monthCalleche: A carriage with two wheels and a folding hoodCamelion: A giraffeCamisado: An attack by night, during which the attackers woreshirts over their armour so they could recognise one anotherCane & Angue pejus: Worse than a dog or a snake (L. )Caperdewsie: The stocksCapoch'd: Pulled off the hoodsCaprich: A capriceCarbonading: Thrashing, beatingCarroch: A stately or luxurious carriageCatasta: The stocksCawdie: A military cadetCawdle: Soup or gruelCeruse: White lead used as a cosmeticChampaign: Champagne wineChampain: CountrysideChous'd, choust, chows'd: CheatedChowse: A cheat's victimClassis: The elders and pastors of all the Presbyteriancongregations in a districtCoincidere: To come together (L. )Congees: Bows, curtseysConster: Construe, explainConventicle: Secret or illegal religious meetingsCovins: ConspiraciesCucking-stool: A stool to which a malefactor (often an unfaithfulwife) was tied, to be exposed to public ridicule, or ducked in apond or river. Curship: The title of being a cur -- pun on "worship"Curule: An ivory chair used as a mayor's throneDeletory: That which wipes out or destroysDeodand: In English law an article which had caused a man's deathwas ordered by the court to be a forfeited as a deodand (Ad Deodandum - to be given to God). Before the reformation it or its valuewas given to the Church; afterwards to the local landowner. Dewtry: A stupefying drink made from the Indian thorn-applefruit. Dialectico: A philosophical point of argumentDictum factum: No sooner said than done (L. )Disparo: To separate (L. )Donzel: A young page or squireDrazel: A slutDucatoon: An Italian silver coin, worth about 6 shillings. Ejusdem generis: Of the same kind (L. )Enucleate: To explain the meaning ofEx parte: On behalf of (L. )Exaun: A religious establishment not under the authority of thelocal bishopFadging: FittingFeme-covert: A woman under the protection of a husband ( a legalterm)Ferk: Beat, whipFestina lente: Make haste slowly (L. )Fingle-fangle: A whimsical or fantastic ideaFother: A cart-loadFulhams: Loaded diceGanzas: The birds which the hero of a popular romance harnessedto take him to the moonGenethliack: A caster of horoscopesGeomancy: Divination by interpreting the patterns of lines drawnat random on the ground or on paper. Gleave: A spear or halberdGranado: A grenadeGrilly'd: GrilledGrincam: SyphilisGuep: Go on! -- said to a horse or as an expression of derision. Habergeon: A chain-mail shirtHaut-gousts: Tasty thingsHeadborough: A constableHiccius Doctius: A nonsense word used by jugglers, conjurers etc. , hence, any kind of trick or dishonest dealingHight: Called, namedHoccamore: Wine from Hochheim, in GermanyHorary: HourlyHuckle: The hipHugonots: French CalvinistsHypocondries: The upper abdomen, between the breastbone andthe navelId est: That is (L. )Idem: The same (L. )Illation: Inference, deductionIn eodem subjecto: Thrown together in the same place (L. )In querpo: NakedJobbernol(e): A thick head or blockheadJure divino: By God's law (L. )Langued: Heraldic term meaning, with a tongue of a particularcolour e. G. Langued gules - with a red tongueLathy: Thin, like a lathLinsey-woolsey : A cloth of mixed wool and linen threadsLinstock: A stick for holding a gunner's matchL'Ombre: A card gameLongees: LungesLustrations: Ceremonials of ritual purification by washingMainprize: To stand surety for someoneManicon: A plant (deadly nightshade) or its extract, believed tocause insanity when takenManto: Mantua, a kind of woman's loose gownMartlet: A swallow or martinMazzard: The headMeazle: A spot or pustuleMira de lente: Wonderfully slow (L. )Mordicus: With the teeth (L. )Morpion: A crab-louseMundungus: Bad tobaccoNare olfact: Nostril (L. )Neat (noun): A calf or cowNegatur: It is denied (L. )Nimmer: A petty thiefOmnibus nervis: With every sinew (L. )Oppugn: Attack or fight againstOrcades: The Orkneyspacquet-male: Large walletPadder: A thiefPari Libra: Equally (L. )Pathic: Passively homosexualPernicion: Total ruinPetronel: A short carbine or large pistolPicqueer: Skirmish or quarrelPigsney: A term of endearment for a woman, "darling"Plus satis: More than enough (L. )Poesie: PoetryPullen: PoultryPunese: A bed-bugPursy: RichQuarteridge: A tax or payment due quarterlyQuatenus: So far as (it is) (L. )Quillets: Verbal points or quibblesRampiers: RampartsRationalia: Thinking creatures (L. )Rochet: A bishop's white gown or surpliceSatis: EnoughSault: JumpScire facias: To know the appearance of (L. )Sedes Stercoraria: Filthier seat (L. )Seisin: A token of ownership, formally handed over when propertyis sold. Shanker: A venereal sore, chancreSlubberdegullion: A dirty, slovenly personSoland geese: Barnacle geese (Branta leucopsis)Staffier: A footmanStentrophonick: Loud, as from a megaphoneStum: A mixture of wine and grape juiceSuggill'd: Beaten severelySui juris: Independently (L. )Swound: A swoonSynodical: Arising from or of the nature of a synod - a meeting ofbishops etc. Of the Anglican ChurchTantundem dat tantidem: So much of that gives so much of this =they are exactly the same (L. )Tarsel: A male falconTheorbo: A kind of lute with two necksTotidem verbis: In just as many words (L. )Trapes: TripesTrepan: To trapTrigon: A set of 3 signs of the Zodiac at 120-degree angles to eachotherTussis pro crepitu: A cough for a fart (L. )Velis & remis: By sail and oar (L. )Veni, Vidi, Vici : I came, I saw, I conquered (L. )Versal: UniversalVidelicet: That is, viz. (L. )Vitiligation: Argument, quarrellingVizard: A mask or disguiseWelkin: The skyWhiffler: A ceremonial guard who cleared the way for a mayor orother officialWhinyard: A short swordYcleped: NamedYerst: Erst, formerly