[Transcriber's note: Mrs. Hungerford (Margaret Wolfe Hamilton)(1855?-1897) "How to marry well" (from The Ladies' Home Journalvol. VII No IV Philadelphia March 1890 p. 6)]

The Duchess

How to marry well

Some girls start in life with the idea that to snub the opposite sex isthe surest way of bringing it to their feet. All such imaginings arevain! A man may be amused by the coquettish impertinences of a girl, hemay even be attracted by it to a certain extent, but in the end hefeels repulsion, and unless it be the exception that proves the rule, hastens away presently to lay his name and fortune at the disposal ofsome more modest girl. 

To marry _well_ is the note that strikes more clearly on the brain ofthe débutante's mother than on the ear of that interesting personherself. A girl starting in life feels all the world is before herwhere to choose. She gives, indeed, too little thought to the subject. She comes fresh from the schoolroom into the crowded drawing-room, thinking only how best to enjoy herself. The thought of marriage, ifnear, is yet so far, that it hardly interferes with her pleasure in thewaltz, the theatre, or the eternal afternoon tea. 

It is a pity that the educational standard fixed for young girlsnow-a-days is of so low an order. A smattering of French, a word or twoof German, an _idea_ of what music really means, as gained from a threeyears' acquaintance with scales and movements, and songs withoutwords--this is all! There is, of course, a good deal of reading withscientific masters that serves only to puzzle the brains half given tothe matter in hand, and then the girl is emancipated from theschoolroom, and let loose upon society to "be settled in life, " saysMamma. 

Some of these girls _do_ marry well--surprisingly so! But they areamongst the few. As for the rest, they make their own lives and theirhusband's a burden to them. Without having time given them to maturetheir ideas, these latter are hurried into matrimony while stillchildren, without having formed a conception of the terribleresponsibility that attaches itself to every human soul who agrees tojoin itself to another. 

These latter do not make good matches in any one sense of the word. Thestruggling barrister, the clerk, the curate, the brainless masher--suchare their prey; and if they make richer prizes than these, still thematch cannot be called _good;_ presently there is dis-union as theclever husband finds the pretty but nonsensical wife utterly unable tofollow him through the paths of life that Fate has opened out to him. 

It is a common idea that men care only for beauty, and are to beattracted by no lesser virtue--if virtue it may be called. This is amost gross error that even the earliest of our thinkers has laid bare. What says Thomas Carew:

 "But a smooth and steadfast mind, Gentle thoughts and calm desires, Hearts with equal love combined, Kindle never-dying fires:-- Where these are not, I despise Lovely cheeks or lips or eyes. "

We see, then, that there are things more desirable to the masculinemind than the mere charms of the flesh. To be beautiful is a goodthing, for which we should thank Nature--to be attractive, morally, rather than physically, is, however, a thing for which we should thankNature even more, if she be good enough to have endowed us with thatlasting quality. Let a girl learn once for all that her littleschoolgirl airs and graces can please only the unintellectual of herset, that to make a good match, in the most noble sense of the word, isto form herself to be the equal of the man she marries, and all will beright. I speak advisedly, because a girl who has the courage to so planout her future is very unlikely to wed with any save the most desirableof the other sex. 

But what _is_ a good match? Does it mean a man with money only, orposition only, or intellect only, or only a capacity for being goodhumored under each and every circumstance? The common acceptation ofthe term means a man in such a moneyed position that he can place hiswife considerably above that of her friends, so far as money goes. Andthat is a very good thing too, so far as it goes. But to be rich is noteverything! The merely sordid, the entirely uneducated can rise to thisheight, but surely to make a _good_ match one's husband should be thepossessor of something more than money. He should be cultured, refined, intelligent, and therefore the girl who wishes to mate with him, shouldtake care to be cultured and refined herself. Half the bad matches inthe world are caused either by the educated women marrying the manthoroughly beneath her in all moral qualities, or the man who has spenthis life cultivating his mind, falling a slave to the petty fascinationof a pretty woman who has only beauty to give him--nothing more!

What girls should never forget is to be _neat!_ Not primly so, butdaintily so. The girl well got up, with irreproachable gloves, andshoes that fit, though her gown be only cotton, yet if it be wellturned out, may compete with the richest, while the slovenly dresser, who scorns or forgets to give attention to details, is passed over bythe discontented eye, though her gown may be a masterpiece of Worth. 

A girl should learn to put her gown on properly. No creature livingtakes more heed of externals than your orthodox man. He may not knowthe price, color, or material of your clothes, but he will know to anicety whether you are well or badly gowned. 

One special point I would impress upon the girl who desires, (as allgirls do) to range themselves well, to make a good marriage--is to be_gentle_. The craze for vivacity, for the free and easy style thatborder so closely on the manners of the _demi monde_ that distinguishedthe society of ten years ago has providentially died a natural death. Now-a-days, men are sensible enough to look for _comfort_ in theirmarried lives. And surely the knowledge that one's future wife has aheart as tender as it is sympathetic should, and does, go far toarrange a man's decision of who shall be the partner of his daily life. 

I was much struck by a little incident that occurred last year, andhelped to prove the truth of this argument. I, amongst others, belonging to a large party who were waiting at a railway station forthe train that was to carry us down to a garden party at one of themany lovely places on the Thames, saw an old man, a decrepit creature, bowed and palsied, making his way to where the third-class compartmentwould be. His arms were full of bundles of various sizes. Coming near atruck, the old man, who was half blind, marched against the edge of it, and all his little bundles fell helplessly to the ground. Most of theyoung people belonging to our party broke into an irresistible laugh. They were not so much to be blamed. Youth _will_ see amusement in eventrifles, but there was one amongst us who did not laugh. The old man'schagrin seemed to touch _her_. She went quickly forward, and as hegroped nervously for his parcels she lifted them one by one, and laidthem in his arms. She was not a strictly pretty girl, but there wasdignity and sweetness both in her face and in her action. I noticedthat a young man, one of our party, watched her intently. He was rich, titled, one of _the_ matches of the London season. Supreme admirationshowed itself in his face. He demanded an introduction. I gave it. Insix months they were man and wife. _She_ made a good match, and so didhe, in every sense of the word. 

There is one last remark, however, and a vital one, that I must make. No match, however distinguished either by money or position, can becalled a _good_ one unless "love, " who "is a great Master, " be the verycore of it.