How doth the Simple Spelling Bee BY OWEN WISTER AUTHOR OF "THE VIRGINIAN, " "LADY BALTIMORE, " ETC. , ETC. WITH ILLUSTRATIONS BY F. R. GRUGER New York THE MACMILLAN COMPANY LONDON: THE MACMILLAN CO. , LTD. 1907 _All rights reserved_ COPYRIGHT, 1907, BY THE CURTIS PUBLISHING COMPANY. COPYRIGHT, 1907, BY THE MACMILLAN COMPANY. Set up and electrotyped. Published February, 1907. Norwood Press J. S. Cushing & Co. --Berwick & Smith Co. Norwood, Mass. , U. S. A. ILLUSTRATIONS FACING PAGE "Hup, hup, hup!" _Frontispiece_ Flung the cakes at my man Edward. 10 "Chickle is not liquid refreshment. " 24 Professors Totts and Egghorn signing their respective works. 54 Masticator B. Fellows. 58 Professor Dudelsacker. 82 Jesse had mounted upon the table with the still faintly bellowing Totts. 96 [Illustration: "Hup, hup, hup!"] HOW DOTH THE SIMPLE SPELLING-BEE _How doth the Simple Spelling-bee Impruv each shining ower. _ Of course, I know not how it may be with you; but with me the mailbrings daily a multitude of communications that I have not sought, anddo not want; nor do I refer to bills alone; and so, when there came oneday a printed card saying:-- Why Heifer? I tossed it into my waste-paper basket, and remembered it no more. Somedays had passed, during which I had worked onward at the index of myforthcoming volume, when my memory was jogged by the arrival of a newabsurdity:-- Why not Heffer? Like its predecessor, this card went at once into my basket. I hadnearly finished the B's in my index before the mail brought thefollowing:-- It ought to be your custom now To simplify, and spell plough plow; Therefore write quickly on your cuff From this day forth to spell tough tuff. A third must follow these first tu, So you will always spell through thru, Nor in the midst of things leave off, But joyfully now make cough coff. By this time you must clearly noa Dough can't be doe, do, dow, but doa. Well, if they purposed to reform our spelling, which has always been amere rag-bag of lawlessness, I hoped that they would do it right; but Iwas too deeply immersed in completing the index of my forthcoming volumeto spend thought upon this question; nor did I court interruption. Mywaste-paper basket, therefore, received another willing contribution. And when presently the clue to these cards reached me in the followingtelegraphic message, just at the outset of my morning's work:-- CHICKLE UNIVERSITY, Arkansopolis, October 6, 1906. English spelling rotten to the core. Help us. MASTICATOR B. FELLOWS. I responded, not without satire:-- Utterly prostrated by news. Helpless. THOMAS GREENBERRY. And thinking that thus I was rid of him, I proceeded quietly with theindex of my forthcoming volume. But Masticator B. Fellows, president and proprietor of ChickleUniversity, had not done with me so easily. Since his street-boyhood, sixty years ago, this ardent personality ('tis thus the daily pressdescribes him) had made his own way, and had his own way; he was hisown capital, and there is no record of his ever having sunk a cent ofit. Of habits strictly pure, he had never seen a card or a drop ofliquor that he had touched, and he had never seen a dollar that he hadnot touched. He had organized every industry along his path, frompaper-selling, boot-blacking, and so upward to his organized lobby atWashington, through which he had caused a heavy tariff to be put uponevery commodity necessary to the American people. It was he who hadadvised his brother organizers to keep Religion on the free list, because, as he assured them, "if we tax it, they'll do without it, while if we don't, they'll trust us for a while yet. " And now, at theage of seventy-five, with uncounted millions, and ten United StatesSenators, and a fourth young wife all in his pocket, he proposed to handhis name to Immortality by simplifying the spelling of English all overthe earth. Well, let him do it if he would only do it right. But this he must do without my assistance; there were other professors, many of them. I did not permit the circulars that now began to pour infrom Chickle University to distract me from my index. Striking as thesecirculars were--and I will instance but one of them:-- Judge, budge, ridge, acknowledge ARE SLOW Call in and try our Quick Spelling Juj. Buj. Rij. Aknolej-- they went into the basket one after another. To this method ofsuggestion a second was soon added, and my coat-pockets, as well as mymail, began to be filled with spelling literature. I would go out for awalk, and during this exercise some paper or pamphlet would be slippedinto the coat, which I would discover upon my return. I remember pullingout a little book of verse, beginning:-- I am only a primer to teach you to spel, Which is something that nobody does very wel. A sweet little primer, A dear little primer, Sing hel, bel, tel, fel, sel, nel, quel, swel and smel. I felt, let me confess it, annoyed the next day on returning from mywalk to find a new method of suggestion, in great charcoal letters, onthe white marble of my house-front:-- Such nuisances as Solemn Comptroller and Wednesday are preventing THE KING OF SIAM from learning English Nor was my annoyance decreased by the further announcement that defacedmy house-front upon the day following:-- MILLIONS OF SCHOOL CHILDREN turn away weeping from PEOPLE MANUOEVRE DIAPHRAGM Much should be conceded to the man who is fighting for his Immortality, as was Masticator; but not too much. And displeasure, it may fairly besaid, began to rise in me, when I found, next morning, a page of theprimer introduced in the midst of my index:-- Of the bad English spelling you'll surely beware, When you notice how stair, pear and heir rhyme with there; The sad English spelling, The mad English spelling, Sing hi! for the mare and the mayor and the prayer. Next consider, for instance, a word like enhearsed: Now what business has it to be rhyming with first? Sing hi! the old spelling, The horrible spelling, The spelling of nursed and of versed and of worst. But our simplified speling can cure every il, And permits nothing foolish like two l's in pil. Sing hi! the new speling, Our comforting speling, Sing pil, bil, fil, wil, til, sil, quil, spil. Yes, Masticator was going too far--and how had he managed to tamperwith my index? I rang the bell, and questioned my man Edward sharply. Heknew nothing of it, nor did the housemaid, whom I also questionedsharply. And I trusted I should be less harassed on the morrow. [Illustration: Flung the cakes at my man Edward. ] But on the morrow, at breakfast, lifting with my fork the top buckwheatcake in order to spread butter upon the second, I found a leafletbetween the two cakes, inscribed:-- Phthisis How can you eat while a word like that is allowed? I flung the cakes at my man Edward, and in five minutes I had dismissedevery servant in the house. Quite unable to work, I left the housemyself, and set out to take the air. No; Masticator was not doing itright; he was taking too many sudden liberties, not only with thelanguage, but with myself. Becoming gradually aware that a number ofyoung persons were following me with loud and disconcerting expressions, I stepped into a shop where I am unknown, and where they at once offeredto brush off my back. A double mirror showed me these words, chalkedplainly:-- He wants a P in Consumtion Being now without servants, I decided that I should be free frompersecution in the luxurious wilderness of a great hotel. Upon gettinginto bed in my room in the twelfth story, a dreadful contact caused meto leap to the floor, where my foot dashed down upon some similardreadfulness, and the shock threw me flat on my face and stomach, onlyto feel myself instantly plastered with more of the same odious andencasing substance. I believe that I shouted loudly in the dark for sometime before hotel employees rushed to my succor; the door was burst openand the light turned on. It was fly-paper; and much time was consumed inrelieving my person of it. Every piece bore its motto, such as:-- If you'll but drop the e in pi Better on stomach pi will li. and also:-- The b in lam 's not worth a dam-- and others. As early as possible the next morning I sent a message of capitulationto Masticator B. Fellows. What can I do for you? was the message; and the reply came back:-- Delighted you are with us. Private car train twenty-one to-day. The secretary of Masticator was at the steps of the car and presented meat once to a most lovely girl. At the news she was to serve on theSimplified Spelling Committee with me, my heart bounded, every doubtleft me, and I exclaimed:-- "I will spell just as you say. " "Then, " she most sweetly returned, "never let us consent to anysimplification of kiss. " And I counted such answer a very happy omen. She had come from a woman's college, and her important work on theauthorship of Shakespeare's plays had demonstrated, beyond refutation, that the plays had been written by Queen Elizabeth, in collaborationwith Sir Walter Raleigh and Lady Jane Grey. "Shall we be in Harrisburg soon, Mr. Kibosh?" she asked the secretary. "It will be ten minutes after seven, Miss Appleby. " "And that is a whole three hours!" she cried, with no pleasure in hervoice. "Here is some good chickle, " said Kibosh. And when she would take none, "Then I will, " he said. "The private stock of Masticator B. Fellows. Thepublic gets nothing like this. " He took a small object from the box that he held and put it in hismouth; and soon, while the train sped on, his large long jaws wereoscillating with a smooth motion, and content, like a lukewarm glaze, overspread his immense bald features. Thus it came to me what chickle was. "Chewing-gum!" I exclaimed! Kibosh opened gentle eyes upon me. "We do not use that word atArkansopolis. " He smiled, removed the plastic morsel from his mouth, andplaced it on the window-sill, that he might speak to me withoutimpediment. "We always say chickle at Arkansopolis. We like that better. MasticatorB. Fellows likes that better. When his genius bought up the smallplants----" "Is there a chewing-gum trust, too?" asked Miss Appleby. "Chickle, Miss Appleby, chickle, if you please. When Masticator's geniusorganized this noble industry, thereby placing a superior, pure, cheap, and uniform article within the reach of eighty million jaws----" "But the whole nation does not chew gum!" the lovely girl again, withsome spirit, interrupted. "Chickle, Miss Appleby, if you please. Fifty per cent of our populationchickles, and that makes eighty million jaws. When the time cameto--ahem--float the proposition, after the bonds, there was an issue ofone billion preferred, and two billions of common stock. It did not seemfitting, Miss Appleby, it did not seem dignified, that Wall Streetshould bandy back and forth such an expression as--ahem--'chewing-gumcommon. ' To the eye, such an expression printed in the financialcolumns would seem--would--in short, hence chickle, Miss Appleby, nounand verb. Never anything else at Arkansopolis. Will you not chickle now?No? Ah, well. But at least you are with us in the Higher Spelling. " Hishand sought the window-sill, and then his mouth; and his jaws resumedtheir placid oscillation. Miss Appleby had gone out upon the broad rear platform of our car; andthere, as she sat alone, I joined her, saying:-- "Shall we talk of the Higher Spelling?" But she seemed inclined for not much talk upon any subject; and thenearer Harrisburg drew, the more difficult I found it to engage herattention. "There is nothing to see, " I assured her when, as our train entered thestation, she left me with something almost like eagerness. I did not get out during our somewhat long stop, being occupied in myprivate stateroom with unpacking and disposing my clothes for thejourney. As we started again, I emerged to find Miss Appleby in brightconversation with a newcomer. "Professor Jesse Willows, " said Kibosh, "of Paw-paw University, MountainDew City. " And as the extraordinarily handsome young man rose, quitesix-feet-two, to greet me, Kibosh continued: "The professor'sDictionary of Deadly Weapons, as well as his great work on Bowie-Knivesin the Stone Age, makes him a welcome member of our committee. " I felt, I know not why, less glad to see this Professor Willows thanMiss Appleby seemed. His long black coat and black tie were fairlyproper for a man of erudition; but his hat was soft and broad of brim, and his trousers were of brown corduroy, drawn over high boots. "And what, sir, " I asked him, "may your views be on the HigherSpelling?" "Bless yore heart, suh, " he gayly responded, "what's spellin', anyway?Just alphabet lettuhs fixed like some man chose to fix 'em befo' youan' me were bawn. An' so I say such a man's had his notions more'n longenough, and it's high time we-all took a whirl at the dictionary. " "I admit, sir, " I responded, "that our spelling is but a rag-bag oflawlessness. But it has been ratified by a noble army of great writers. They and the daily press have spread it over the world. Therefore wemust go slowly. We must do it right. Derivation----" "Bless yore heart, suh, " the impetuous youth interrupted me, "what'sderivation? Just conquest follo'd by mispronunciation. Julius Cæsuh helambastes Gaul; and he talks Latin to 'em; he says '_honor_, ' an' hegoes home; an' the Gauls retain Cæsuh's _i_dea, as all puffeck gennlemenshould, but the nearest they kin git to the Latin is '_honneur_. ' An'then, whoop they come over to England, an' they lambaste theAnglo-Saxons, an' talk to 'em about '_honneur_. ' An' the Anglo-Saxons, bein' also puffeck gennlemen, they ketches on to the _i_dea, butbe-Jeroosalemmed if they kin say it straight, either; an' so it gits tobe '_honour_. ' An' then comes our glorious Revolution; an' we tell theEnglish, 'Good-by to yo', King Geawge. Good-by to yore iniquitousparliament. Good-by to yore whole dog-goned outfit of tyrants andhelots. We-all don' keer how you-all spell anything whatsoever, an' thelanguage of Washington, an' Jeffuhson, an' Patrick Henry, an' all theglorious fathuhs of libuhty, is goin' to spell it _honor_ without a u. 'An' there you are, back to yore original Latin. " "A noble sentiment, Professor, " said Kibosh. "A truly noble sentiment. Will you not join me in a chickle?" The professor bounded to his full, long height, with all the agility ofthe _felis catus_ of his own wild, native mountains. "I'm with you, suh!" he exclaimed. "Be-Jeroosalemmed if I wasn't pow'fulthirsty. " "Chickle is not liquid refreshment, " said Kibosh, mildly; and he heldout the box to his tall guest. [Illustration: "Chickle is not liquid refreshment. "] The professor glared at it for a moment. "You and yore chickle, " he thenbegan, with alarming deliberation, "can go right----" A quick, girlish cough sounded behind him. "----to my private cabin in this cyah, " the professor continued, with nochange in countenance or voice, "where I will join you, and where wewill find liquid refreshment. " Kibosh did not dare refuse him, and I came without being asked. "It's a glorious exercise, suh, " said the professor to me, in theprivate cabin. "In moderation, yes, " I answered. "May I inquiuh to what you-all are referrin'?" he asked haughtily. "Why, to this, " I answered, tapping my glass. The professor grew more stiff. "I referred to simplifyin' the spellin'of our language, " he said. "A glorious exercise?" I repeated vaguely. "Fo' the imagination, suh. Turn yore eye whah you will, you'll see wordsthat need refawmin', words that need our help, words that cry an' clamuhto be relieved of the stigma of their congested and nonsensicalappearance; nouns, adjectives, verbs, all stuck in the hopeless mud ofantiquity, an' holdin' out their hands for we-all to drag 'em out an'bring 'em up to date. " He now gave me a list. "Look, suh, at thosepore, sufferin', aged cripples, awaitin' the renewal of their youth. " "You have a magnificent collection, " I remarked to him, after a glanceat the list. "Pshaw!" he returned. "I could double that in an hour. I just jottedthat down as I came up the valley from Paw-paw in the ChattanoogaLimited. Why, just lookin' out of the cyah windo' would give me notions. I saw a thistle. Down she went on the list, an' down went whistle nexther, suggested by our locomotive. Thistle. Whistle. Look at thosedisgraces. Look at the dead wood in 'em. Are not they just congestedall up with pitfalls for the young? Once we get to work at Arkansopolis, and they'll be thissl and wissl, or my name is not Jesse Willows. " He paused, and I looked at his list again. The railway journey had givenhim a number of suggestions; I saw, in hasty writing:-- Freight. That's dopy. Should be frate. Bridge. Another has-been. Brij. My perusal was interrupted by his seizing the list away from me. "Thepo'tuh has turned the gas higher, " he said. "That gives me another wholebig line of 'em. " And he wrote:-- Light should be lite. So also fight, and tight and others on the same plan. "Po'tuh!" he called out, "what is yore name?" "Michael, Colonel, " the man answered. "Another!" exclaimed the professor. And he wrote:-- Michael, Mycle, because cycle. Bicicle because icicle. I kept various doubts to myself, and resolved that such must continue mypolicy if I were ever to have peace; but, no matter how I might agree tospell bicycle, I was secretly determined never to address my youngerbrother as Mycle. Imagine thus mutilating a name that had been in ourfamily for generations! Professor Willows showed his list to Miss Appleby; I saw him, and I sawher evidently add some words to it. But, to my surprise, this seemed tocause them mirth. They did not seek my company, and conversed togetherwithout ceasing, in a corner of our car, while Kibosh slumbered; and Iwondered if the Higher Spelling was the subject that brought their headsso close to each other. That girl was more and more a disappointment tome; and I retired in no very good humor. Mycle was not the only word to which, as I dressed myself next morning, I found my opinion to be entirely adverse; frate seemed to meobjectionable, nor did I feel any leanings toward brij and lite. And thesurprising readiness with which Professor Willows accepted my criticismfailed to make upon me the happy impression which the adoption of one'sviews by another is apt to cause. "You don't like frate, suh?" he said, whipping out his pencil, andquickly writing on his list. "Bless yore heart, then we'll just make itfrait. How does that hit yore fancy?" I thanked him for his amiability, but my fancy was as little hit byfrait as it had been by frate; and it was still less hit when he came tome with his customary enthusiasm some twenty-five minutes afterbreakfast, to show me forty-three more words that he had simplifiedsince rising from table. Still keeping all thoughts to myself, I read:-- Earth and dearth to irth and dirth, like mirth. Also worth to wirth. Pheasants whirr. Cats should pirr. I passed the list back with I know not what commendations of hisrapidity. He retired with it to the rear platform, where sat MissAppleby; and almost immediately I heard egregious peals of laughtercoming from them both. This, for some reason, kindled in me suchannoyance that I put my head out of the door, and cried loudly to them:"Do you intend to make flirt flurt, or hurt hirt? And how about squirt?"And I shut the door sharp upon my words before they could make answerto me. But still, even through the closed door and thick plate-glasswindows, their shameless merriment reached me, and seemed, if anything, louder than ever. The outlook for the Higher Spelling was scarce a bright one, I thought, if the rest of my colleagues, whom I had yet to meet, should approachtheir solemn responsibilities in anything of the spirit shown byProfessor Willows and Miss Appleby. His facile adoption of a newspelling, and equally facile relinquishment of it, gave but poorevidence of any deep thought on this matter; and to see him through theplate-glass as he talked to her on the rear platform, no one wouldeasily be persuaded that spelling was the subject of their colloquy; andlastly, when he fetched a large shawl and hung it across the windowoutside, so that they were wholly screened from view, I found it nolight effort to believe that it was to shield her from the cold blast, as he informed me. I sought (without great eagerness) the companionship of Kibosh. "Do younot fear, " I asked him, "that we may not find ourselves able to reach anagreement as to the system by which this respelling should proceed?" "What would hinder it?" he inquired. "Of course, our present spelling is but a rag-bag of lawlessness, " Ireplied, for I was growing fond of my description of it. "But greatauthors and newspapers have spread it round the globe. The sun neversets on English spelling. We must join the great English universitieswith us. We must join Canada, India, Australia. We must do it right. " "England will have to follow us!" he declared. "If you'll watch England, " I said, "I think you'll find she has her ownideas about that. " "Then our publishers and writers will ignore England, " he replied. "If you'll watch our publishers and writers, " I again said, "you'll seethey'll be slow to let go their English market by making books thatwould be illegible throughout the British Empire. " "What are authors, anyhow?" he demanded. "It is our business men who areour glory. " "If you'll watch our business men, " I repeated, not without acerbity, "you'll find they have London correspondents, and they'll not care torun two sorts of spelling with their stenographers. " Kibosh thought awhile, and then, with his gentle smile, he again removedhis chickle and placed it on the window-sill. "But, nevertheless, Masticator will have gained his point, " he said. "Scarcely so, if a system fails us, and we do nothing, " I suggested. He seemed not to hear me. "And all of the committee, every member, willhave gained the point as well. " "You'll pardon me, but what is the point?" I now asked him. "And the English language, " he continued more and more gently, "it willhave gained the point, too. " "I must confess, " I said, "to utter ignorance of your meaning. " Kibosh smiled for a long while, looking at me very kindly. "You will readily appreciate, " he at length began, "that the greatestneed of mankind is Publicity. It is as essential to the German Emperoras it is to the female society leader, or the trick mule. We are noexceptions, we leaders of thought, and teachers of youth, and captainsof industry; we too must have Publicity or--ahem--pass under. And as thedemand for Publicity increases, the supply of it naturally diminishes. You understand that? Well, now, any association with Masticator B. Fellows means Publicity at once for the lucky individual. But there aretimes when the vast sweep of economic currents ties up all the availablePublicity, and at those times great enterprises languish from itsscarcity. It may befall that even such giant operators as Masticator B. Fellows find themselves embarrassed. It is then only the man of geniuswhose magic hand can smite the rock in some novel way, and causePublicity again to gush forth fresh and sparkling--it is then only hewho is heard from. There has been such a time of late. Publicity wastied up, and Masticator needed some for his--for certain plans he has tobenefit the human race. Now, what does Masticator do? He surveys thegeneral situation, he thinks it over, and presently he says 'SpellingReform. ' He smites the rock, and there you have it. You understand me?Well, supposing you gentlemen do fail to--ahem--make any considerableimpression upon the English language, you will have made a considerableimpression on the public; the rock will have gushed, Masticator's pointwill be gained. He will have secured the Publicity he needs for his--hisbenevolent enterprises; each of you gentlemen will have securedPublicity for your names and works; and we mustn't forget the Englishlanguage. It will have got Publicity, too; it needs it, like all therest of us. I'm sure you understand me. " Thus Kibosh finished, and it entered my mind to descend at our nextstop, and take the first train back to my own place; but this thought Iquickly dismissed, remembering Masticator's methods of reaching thosewhom he wanted. And (although I know this is unworthy) I was becomevery curious to see what we should all do, once we were gatheredtogether. Were all the rest of my colleagues coming for Publicity? Iglanced at the window, where the shawl still screened Professor Willowsand Miss Appleby, and it seemed to me that they had come rather forPrivacy. "Who are the rest of my colleagues?" I now asked Kibosh. "Well, now, I'm afraid you've got me, " he responded. "There's--let mesee--Professor Flawless Nathaniel Maverick, of Fishball University, Massachusetts. He is with us. A profound scholar, sir. " "What is his line?" I asked. "Well, now, that's another tough one. Let us see. Did he write The Fuelof the Future?" I shook my head, being ignorant. "Or was it The Mustard Plaster in Pharaoh's Time?" Kibosh dreamilypursued. "What is the fuel of the future?" I asked. "Pecan nuts. I am certain of that, " answered Kibosh. "But whether he'sthat one, or whether it's Lysander Totts----" "Who is Lysander Totts?" I inquired. "Another profound scholar, sir. Of Numa Pompilius University, New York. But we've got them from all around--from Seminole, Florida, Oglethorpe, Georgia, Lafitte, Louisiana, Sandys, Virginia, Graftsburg, Pennsylvania--but you'll meet them to-morrow at Chickle University. Allprofound scholars, sir. It was Totts, come to think of it. " "Think of what?" I asked. "Pecan nuts, " said Kibosh. I should have been glad to learn the names of all my colleagues, andwhat they had written, that I might be the better prepared to meet them;but Kibosh could be sure only of Totts and his book; and ProfessorWillows and Miss Appleby had not heard even of Totts, when I asked themat lunch to enlighten me. "What mattuh, suh?" cried Willows, cheerily. "They'll tell you quickenough themselves why they're so famous. " At this remark Miss Appleby broke into much gayety. "Got many words this mawnin', Professuh?" asked Willows of me; and Iretorted, with what should have been telling reproof, that I was not ofthose who can improvise thorough work. It was extraordinary how much this young man's remarks pleased MissAppleby. He was but a poor companion for the lovely girl; and when, after lunch, he retired to slumber in his cabin (as he called it), Itook my seat beside her on the rear platform. She was most amiable, butbade me first take down the shawl behind us. The cold blasts, she said, had ceased. We talked for some time, and it was easy to see that underproper guidance her mind would open to all befitting things. Not untilProfessor Willows came out of his cabin and joined us, did I feel hergrow distant again. Without preliminary, he asked: "What does a man whosits down on a sharp needle most resemble?" And, without waiting, heanswered, "A profane upstart. " Into such levity I could not possibly enter; I resolved to wait themorrow, and the succeeding days of our convention at Chickle University, for opportunities to exert upon this impressionable young girl mywholesome influence. We reached our destination during the forenoon of the next day, and Iwas amazed when I beheld spreading out before me the vast institutionwhere we were to hold our sittings. Chickle University covered, with itsgrounds and buildings, four square miles. Swift electric cars raneverywhere by routes so well planned that less than four minutes wereconsumed between the two most distant points. The several thousandbuildings were of a uniform pattern, but lettered on the outside, so aseasily to be distinguished: House of Latin, House of Chiropody, House ofMarriage and Divorce, and so forth. Everything was taught here, and hadits separate house; and the courses of instruction were named on a planas uniform as the buildings: Get French Quick, Get Religion Quick, GetFootball Quick, and so forth. The University was open to both sexes. Isaw great crowds of young men and women trying to push their way intothe House of Marriage and Divorce; and Kibosh informed me that thiscourse was the second in popularity, and in such active demand that acorps of ninety-six instructors was kept lecturing continuously day andnight. The football course had overflowed its own building so copiouslythat it was also filling the houses of Latin, Greek, Music, History, andLiterature. "And what do those students do?" I inquired. "There have been none, " he answered. "We have accommodations for twomillion students; but if this spelling reform fails to provethe--ahem--you'll remember what we said about rock-smiting, Mr. Greenberry--fails to prove the--er--attraction that Masticatoranticipates, any idle houses in this University plant can be readilyturned into the Chickle plant, which adjoins it. " I asked him, would they not meet great difficulty in finding professorsfor two million students? "Professors are our lightest expense, " he replied. "We can always pickthem up for next to nothing. " So saying, Kibosh led us to the library; and here were some gentlemenassembled whose appearance clearly proclaimed them to be profoundscholars, and who were to be of our spelling committee. While Kiboshmade us known to each other, and we exchanged our formal greetings, theeye of each scholar sought the eye of every other scholar with thatthirsty look an author wears, when the hope for compliments upon hiswritings flutters in his breast. But we were true professors, all of us, and not one had read a word that any of the others had ever written. Deceit should always be discouraged, nay, firmly punished, in the young;for by reason of their immaturity they have but little judgment when topractise it; but to the old it is frequently of the greatest service. Intending, therefore, to be as agreeable as possible, I approachedProfessor Lysander Totts with a feigned knowledge of his work. Shakinghim cordially by the hand, I said, "Ah, yes; Pecan Nuts!" "What?" he replied, staring. "Why, Pecan Nuts!" I repeated. "Let me congratulate----" "My name is Totts, " he interrupted. "To be sure!" I exclaimed. "Who has not read The Fuel of the Future?" "I haven't, " said Totts. I corrected myself hastily. "What an absurd slip of the tongue!" Igayly ejaculated. "I meant Mustard Plasters in Pharaoh's Time. " "I haven't read that, either, " said Totts. I should now have been at some loss, but a plaintive voice behind mesaid, "Hup, hup, hup, hup. " I turned, and saw a smiling little old man, with delicate silver locksthat hung well-nigh to his collar. "Hup, hup, " said he again, very amiably. I turned back to Totts in bewilderment. "He stutters, " Totts explained. The voice behind me now said with a sudden sort of explosion, "I wroteit. " I turned again, and, catching both his hands as a drowning man is saidto catch a straw, I wrung them earnestly and long. "A great work!" Icalled out to him, as if he were deaf. "A very great work!" And not wellknowing what I did, I further shouted to Miss Appleby, who was passingus: "He wrote it! Pecan Nuts!" "Hup, hup, " said the little man. "Mustard Plasters. " Little as I owe Miss Appleby, I must always hold her memory in gratitudefor her coming forward at this extreme moment. "Of course it is Mustard Plasters!" she said, with delightful sweetness;"and you must write your name in my copy, dear Professor Egghorn. " He extended an eager hand for the volume. "It is in my trunk, " she continued promptly; "and your signature willmake a unique gem of what is already a precious treasure. And you, dearProfessor Totts, when I am unpacked, you will surely not refuse me thesame honor? Professor Totts, you know, " she added to me, "has provedthat Cleopatra was a man. " "Then who wrote Pecan Nuts?" I whispered to her hastily. "He hasn't come yet, " she hastily whispered back. "I am sure, " said Kibosh, leading a tall new arrival among us, "thatProfessor Camillo Cottsill needs no introduction here. We all welcomethe man who has said the last word on--the last word on--on--well, now, really, it escapes me, Professor, " he finished, turning his wide, gentlesmile upon the newcomer, who glared at him angrily, and announced withunnecessary loudness:-- "Nostalgia in the Lobster. " "Thank you, Professor, " said Kibosh; "thank you kindly. I think lunch isnow awaiting us in the House of Bread. " After brief preparation in the rooms assigned to us, we lunched with thestudents; and, as I passed down the hall, I saw Totts and Egghornsigning their respective volumes for Miss Appleby. [Illustration: Professors Totts and Egghorn signing their respectiveworks. ] "So quickly unpacked?" I asked her. "Dear, no!" she returned. "Professor Willows easily bought them for meat the University Book Shop. " "I have but one complaint against your exquisite deceit, " I said to her. "Why did you leave me out?" "Ah!" she said, "who could deceive you?" I strove, but unsuccessfully, to occupy a seat beside her at table; itwas Jesse Willows who got it, the other being taken by Egghorn, whileTotts placed himself opposite. Napoleon preferred men with great noses, but that of Totts would have pleased him too well, I think; and Tottsblew it continually. It was my hope that supper, or dinner, or whateverthey called the next meal, would not be served with the distressingrapidity of this one; one had barely the time to swallow, and the foodwent whole down one's throat; but the next meal, and all meals, were thesame, and, had our convention lasted longer than it did, I should havefallen victim to a grave dyspepsia. This, I learned, was anotherinstance of the vast genius of Masticator B. Fellows: while educatinghis students, he created in them the need for the product of his ownmonopoly. He gave them no time to chew at their meals, and chickle wasserved free in all the houses. For chewing, at some time or other, isnecessary to digestion, and among the thousands at Chickle University Isaw not one anywhere, boy or girl, whose mouth was not going like a slowrabbit's; and to judge from the universal oscillatory motion of the jawsof the American people in trains and all public places, I see they arelearning that great economic principle of Masticator's, which isannounced everywhere in the street cars:-- TIME IS MONEY He who chickles Saves his nickles-- nickles being the simple spelling of nickels. This great man allowed us at length to see him next morning, when weassembled to begin our work. We sat round an imposing table some twentystrong--for all the profound scholars were now arrived--and in front ofeach scholar, on the ample green baize table-cover, was a greatdictionary, with a great glass inkstand and writing materials. Tallblackboards stood behind us, waiting to receive the words we shouldreform; but the best of it was to find myself sitting next Miss Appleby, with Willows quite an agreeable distance away. Kibosh had arranged allour seats, and it is the best thing I know of him. [Illustration: Masticator B. Fellows. ] When Masticator B. Fellows entered to open our convention, it wasplain at once whence Kibosh had acquired his manner and hisappearance--so far as he could acquire this latter: the secretary mighthave been an early, bad photograph of the magnate. To see Masticator, hewas the creature of brotherly love, the preacher of benign gospels, theteacher of female academies; no smell of Senate or Syndicate hung abouthim. Bald, with a silken skull-cap, bland, with his ten pointed fingersmeeting as if to bless, with a sunrise smile, and a black coat as longand unlovely as conscious virtue, he stood before us in benevolentsilence, and we rose as one scholar. But at once he motioned us to sitdown. "I think there's a dollar-sign in his jaw, " whispered Miss Appleby tome. Already Masticator was addressing us, slowly and softly. "Dear friends, " he said, "be welcome. I am worth two hundred andforty-five millions. Thank God that you are not. Thank God that you arepoor. Thank God for your scanty meals and clothing, and your ceaselessfailure to make both ends meet. Pray God you may die poor. How I envyyou all your blessed privilege of struggle! Thank God, and now tobusiness. "Everything is getting better. Man is getting better. Woman is gettingbetter. Life, Liberty, Happiness--all getting better. And chickle. Better and better. Then why not English Spelling? Dear friends, I expectresults from you. Let us sing the Ode. " A gasoline organ began to play at the end of the apartment, and weprofound scholars stood up and sang together:-- My spelling 'tis of thee, Sweet land of spelling-bee, Of thee I sing. Land of the pilgrims' pride, Land where my fathers dide, For spelling simplifide Let freedom ring "A beautiful pome, " said Lysander Totts, on my other side. "Where were you educated?" I asked him. "Surracuse, Noo Yorruk, " he responded; and he blew his large nose. "And now, dear friends, " Masticator was saying, "I leave you. Rememberthe poor foreigners, remember the little children. It is for them thatthe English language exists; and for them we must, therefore, smooth ourspelling's cruel path. I expect results, dear friends. " So saying, hewas gone. "Yes, there is a dollar-sign in his jaw, " repeated Miss Appleby. "Suggestions are now in order, " said Kibosh, taking the chairman's seat. Three profound scholars stood up. "The only way----" they began, withone voice. "Professor Flawless Nathan Maverick has the floor, " said Kibosh. "Ipresume the Professor will think no change in pecan nuts necessary. " Andthe chairman smiled sociably at the scholar. "The only way, " said Maverick, "is to abolish all words that foreignerscannot spell. " "You mean cut 'em out of the language, suh?" inquired Jesse Willows. "I do. " "Phew!" whistled Willows. "Order, gentlemen, " smiled the chairman. "Professor Camillo Cottsill hasthe floor. " "The only way, " said this scholar, "is to abolish all words thatchildren cannot spell. " "Phew!" repeated Willows. "Order, gentlemen, please, " said the chairman, gently tapping aninkstand with a pencil. But he was not heeded. "Who are you whistling at?" demanded Camillo Cottsill. "Can't yore children spell?" retorted Willows. "Can yours?" shouted Cottsill. At this Jesse Willows blushed a deep red, and so did Miss Appleby. "He is not married, Professor, " said Kibosh, tapping the inkstandsoothingly. "My little daughter Zola B. Can spell everything, " said Maverick. "How about the others?" demanded Cottsill. "My salary only affords me one, " stated Maverick, with resignation. "Then how can you judge?" said Cottsill. "Receive, and believe, andbereave should be cut out at once. " "They should not, " said Maverick. "Oh, cut everything out, " sighed Willows. "Hup, hup, hup, hup, " began Professor Egghorn. "The author of Mustard Plasters has the floor, " said Kibosh, withcivility. "The only way, " continued Egghorn, "is to hup, hup, hup. " "Start the organ, please, " said Kibosh to an assistant; and while thegasoline music played, "My spelling 'tis of thee, " Kibosh walked roundthe table and gave every one an individual box of chickle. We chewed insilence, waiting for the voice of Professor Egghorn to go again. "Hup, hup, " said he, at length; "phonetic. " "I object!" Cottsill and Maverick called out loudly together. "I move it's phonetic, " said Totts. "Second the hup, hup, " said Egghorn. "Those in favor----" Kibosh began. "That's not properly seconded, " interrupted Cottsill. "Motion!" finished Egghorn, with a shriek. And we carried phonetic byeighteen to two. "Since Professor Egghorn has shown us the only way, " said Kibosh, "willhe not kindly lead off with his suggestions for a reform list?" But once again the professor's utterance was transfixed. "Give the pore gennleman a piece of chalk, " said Willows, "and send himto the blackboa'd. " With the blackboard we now made visible progress, which I decided it wasbest for the present not to interrupt. Let as many suggestions aspossible be made; then we could weed them out. Consent was undividedupon a number of words, and some old spelling passed away in peace. Theletter u disappeared from honor and favor, although, with much surprise, I overheard Miss Appleby saying to herself that she intended to retainit in all her private correspondence. The k was kicked out of Frederic. ("There's nothing new about that, either, " said Miss Appleby, in awhisper. ) "But I shall not permit any such liberty to be taken with my own name, "said Professor Maverick, firmly; and this was conceded to him, ProfessorTotts objecting. "We shall never reach consistency at this rate, " grumbled LysanderTotts. "Who came here to be consistent?" retorted Maverick. "We came here for spelling reform, " added Camillo Cottsill. ("Good gracious, " said Miss Appleby, under her breath. ) Presently it was the letter h that occupied us; and old honour nowbecame onor (some were for oner, but gave in), followed by erb, our, andumor. "What's that?" demanded Totts, pointing to our. "Time of day, " answered Maverick. "Sixty minutes make one our. " "Then nobody can tell it from our cat, our cow, " said Professor Totts. "We can't help that, " said Maverick. "We're only here for simplification, " Cottsill said again. ("Good gracious, " repeated Miss Appleby. ) "Make it ower, " suggested Cottsill; and this was done. "Make it minits, too, " said Totts; and this was done. "Make it sekonds, " said Maverick; and this was done. Cottsill turned to Egghorn at the blackboard. "Add eir, umble, otel, andistorical, " said he. "No, he sha'n't!" cried Totts, fiercely. "Are we phonetic or not?" demanded Cottsill, turning on him. ("You're a pack of geese, " said Miss Appleby. ) "I never said umble in my life!" shouted Totts. "I reckon he don't use the aixpression, " said Willows. "And if istorical is adopted, I'll resign now, " Totts continued. "Gentlemen, gentlemen, " protested Kibosh. "I move those last h's be laid on the table, " said Maverick; and thiswas done. "Past participles, " Egghorn now wrote on the blackboard. "Termination_ed_ to be changed to _t_; for instance, blest, exprest, dro----" "What are you going to do with rest?" interrupted Totts. "And test?" said some one down the table. "And nest?" another called out. "Can't you let him finish?" said Cottsill. And Egghorn continued, "Dropt, stopt, spilt, kilt, and so forth. " ("Kilt!" whispered Miss Appleby. "Oh, dear!") "Rattlet instead of rattled will look funny, " observed some one. "So will mart and wart, " remarked Willows, "instead of marred andwarred. " "If you have rattlet and mart and wart, " yelled Totts, "I'll resignright now, right now, right now!" "Who thought of having them, having them, having them?" thunderedCottsill. "Gentlemen! Oh, Gentlemen!" wailed Kibosh. "But consistency----" objected Maverick. "You cut out consistency yourself, " Cottsill reminded him. We despatchedthe past participles, and came also without much disturbance throughcatalog, demagog, and so forth (vogue and rogue made some trouble, andour fundamental principle of inconsistency had once more to beasserted), but when their blood was roused and the fire ofsimplification grew hot in them, and they adopted the following withcheers and noises of feet---- Receev, deceev, conceev, beleev, weev, leev, greev, seez, pleez, teez-- I felt that we had really got near the weeding-out point, especiallywhen Jesse Willows rose and added fleez. "Plural of dogbiters, " heexplained, and sat down quietly. At this Miss Appleby gave one brief, happy laugh, but at once resumed a singular tapping of her foot which Ihad begun to observe. We now thoroughly phoneticked many words: blud, for instance, and wunss (which is so much phoneticker than once!) andthe days of the week: Munday, for instance, and Toozday. (I say Tewsday, myself, but I did not mention it to these profound American scholars. ) "My little daughter Zola B. , " said Professor Maverick, "can always spellWednesday. " "My nine children never can, " said Totts. "I withdraw the objection, " said Maverick; and so it was Wensday. Skwirl, for squirrel, was next agreed upon, and lepard, and eegl. And asthe blood of the scholars grew ever hotter and hotter, Constitooshun, Deklarayshun, and United Staits were adopted. "But my Zola B. ----" began Maverick. "What are you-all goin' to call yore next?" asked Willows. Maverick sighed. "My salary only affords----" "Beg yore pardon, suh, I forgot, " said Willows, with sympathy. It was here that I rose. "Gentlemen, " I said, "let us do it right. Ofcourse, English spelling is but a rag-bag of lawlessness. " "He has said that before, " muttered Jesse Willows. "But, " I continued, "the sun never sets on English spelling. " "I object to these constant, trivial interruptions, " stated Cottsill. "Yes, let us onward, " urged the chairman. "Play ball!" added Totts. "Chew gum!" finished Cottsill. "I'm through, " Egghorn said, sitting down. It was beyond my power to guide them. I also sat down. I also wasthrough. "Through?" exclaimed Totts. "That reminds me. " And running to hisblackboard he wrote:-- THRU "What's that thing?" asked Willows. "Hup, hup, " began Egghorn. "Through, " replied Totts, raising his voice. "_What_?" said Willows, raising his voice, too. "Through, through!" answered the convention in a body. And Miss Appleby, amid the general din, remarked, "That's the way a pigwould spell if it got the chance. " "Thru, clu, blu, nu, hu, " wrote Totts. "Hu? Hu?" repeated Willows, vacantly; "what's hu?" "Hup, hup, hup, " vainly continued Egghorn, waving his arms. "Hu's who, " explained Cottsill, loudly. "Who, who!" explained the whole convention to Willows. "Booh, pooh!" said Willows. And running to the blackboard he added: "Bu, pu, and stu, also glu. " But Egghorn was now standing on his chair, and screaming, "Hup, hup, hup, " with the most energetic violence. "Oh, write it!" every one cried out to him. They lifted Egghorn down from his chair, and he ran eagerly to hisblackboard, upon which he wrote, "This is illiterate, this isunscholarly. " And again the convention cried out together, "We're not here to bescholarly, we're not here to be literate. " "Have yore way, gennlemen, " said Jesse Willows, "I'll stand foranything. " "Well, I can't stand this any longer!" exclaimed Miss Appleby; andrising to her pretty feet, she continued, "Gentlemen, in your charitablesolicitude for foreigners, you may be making our spelling easy forLithuanians (though I doubt it), but you are making it quite impossiblefor the English. " Upon this a cold silence fell, and then, "And who are the English, madam?" asked Cottsill. Miss Appleby gave her delightful brief laugh. "I'm sorry you don't know, sir, " said she, "for I didn't come here to begin your education. " Andshe sat down. There was an impulse in me to call her Gertrude, but Ifelt it to be premature. A general murmuring confusion of consulting and dissenting voices nowarose among the scholars. "But what did you come here for?" I asked Miss Appleby. "Not to see unbroken dogs put their muddy paws all over the greatestlanguage in the world, " she retorted. "Dear me, dear me, " I returned, with soothing deprecation, for she wasplainly very much incensed, "then what did you come for?" "Oh, for reasons, " she returned evasively. Doubts that I could not define began suddenly to fill my mind, and Isaid to her, "Didn't you write about Shakespeare?" "A college joke, " she answered contemptuously. "I'm writing a poem now. I shall call it, 'How we brought the Good Spelling from Ghent to Aix. '" "Then you don't believe in the Higher Spelling?" I asked. "No!" she declared, with defiance. "Does Professor Willows?" I pursued. "Hadn't you better ask him about that?" she replied. I think my face must have turned the reddest that anger can paint faces;for now, at any rate, I had no doubts as to how I had been made game ofin the private car. Yes, they had mocked me. The impudent young man hadmanufactured absurd spelling for my serious attention, and he and MissAppleby had then made merry together over it, and over myself. Butbefore I could frame a fitting rebuke to the frivolous though lovelyyoung woman beside me, a distracting hubbub of voices was set up, andthrough this I heard Kibosh calling:-- "On your blackboards, gentlemen, on your blackboards. " [Illustration: Professor Dudelsacker. ] The convention gradually heard him, too, and scholar after scholarbounded from his chair, seized a piece of chalk, and began to write. Only one was left, who stood at his place, pouring forth the mostexecrable sounds I have ever heard. "Professor Dudelsacker has the floor, " said Kibosh. "Burrmeowskreeyiyiwurrburrwowwowmeow, " went the professor. "Turn that Central Pennsylvania Dutch quacker out!" shouted some one. "I've resigned already meowowwow, " squealed Dudelsacker, in a fury; andhe took his departure at once. But this brought us no calm. Twenty pieces of chalk were rattling onthe blackboards like a platoon of busy telegraphic instruments. Eachscholar was making his own list for the new dictionary of English, and Iread the lists of Totts, Maverick, and Cottsill, so far as they hadwritten them. Jesse Willows was writing, too, with sweeping flourishes;but I had ceased to place faith in his integrity. Surracuse Beverly Fahms Cyar Yurrup Rud Cyard Surrup But Cyart Mawrul Cut Gyarden Sawrul Grantha Coat-house Kwawrul Anywheres} Awringe Everywheres} _Cottsill's list_ Amurrican Nowheres} Tremenjus Tremendious} "Awringe, " I murmured aloud, in ignorance of its meaning; but my ownvoice revealed to me that it was our chief Florida fruit, as pronouncedby Lysander Totts, of Numa Pompilius, New York, discoverer ofCleopatra's true sex. The whole great West was rattling away on theboards behind me, but what I saw in front of me was enough to hold myattention; and my eyes were straying back and forth between awringe andgrantha, when Totts, happening to glance up from his work, beheld thework of Maverick next him. He stopped abruptly. "Rud?" he inquired of the professor from FishballUniversity, author of Pecan Nuts. "Road, " explained Maverick, writing out the old spelling. "Road, boat, coat. " "Hm, " said Totts, with disapprobation. "But what is grantha?" I whispered to Miss Appleby. "Can it be a breakfast food?" she suggested; and again I wished to callher Gertrude. Totts was still gazing at Maverick's list. "Hm. Yes, " he repeated. "Beantalk from Boston. We don't want it. " "Are we phonetic or not?" returned Maverick, sharply. But Totts had now caught sight of Cottsill's list. "Anywheres?" he readaloud. "Why anywheres? Rub all those out. " "I will not, " declared the author of Nostalgia in the Lobster. "I guessif you can be phonetic, I can. " "I'm afraid they're skipping grantha, " said Miss Appleby. "Who says anywheres?" demanded Totts. "I do, " snapped Cottsill. "Well, I don't, " Totts replied. "And, what's more, I won't. " Cottsill raised his voice. "I guess I can be phonetic just as----" "Anywheres is vulgar, " interrupted Totts. "Vulgar yourself!" screamed Cottsill, jumping up and down. "Vulgar! Vulgar!" chimed in Maverick, whom the term bean talk hadnettled. But Totts had spied the list of Jesse Willows, and was pointing at itdisdainfully. "And pray, " said he, "what may a coat-house be?" Now the handsome young man from Paw-paw was the last person to selectfor addressing in such a tone as Lysander Totts had taken. "I beg yore pardon, suh?" he remarked, so politely that I became filledwith apprehension. Miss Appleby was gazing at him with all her eyes. "What do you think ofhim?" she whispered to me. I suppose that indignation at his unwarrantable treatment of me in thecar rendered me imprudent. "My dear Miss Appleby, " I said to her, "mydear Gertrude, he is as beautiful as the day, as ignorant as aSocialist, and as dishonest as a plumber. " "How dare you speak of my husband so?" she replied. "We were marriedthis morning. That's all we came for to your silly convention. Good-by. "And rising, she swept out of the room. But her exit was unobserved. The great West was still rattling on itsblackboards, Maverick and Cottsill were scowling darkly at Totts. Tottswas pointing one finger at coat-house, and Willows was smiling steadilyat Totts, in a manner that now convinced me we were approaching the edgeof something quite particular. Nor did even the bridegroom know that hisbride had left us. "I beg yore pardon, suh?" he repeated. "Coat-house. What's that?" said Totts. "It is whah they'd have you, suh, if they caught you teachin' any o'those railroad accidents o' yore's to the young. " "Yes, indeed; yes, indeed!" cried Maverick and Cottsill, eagerly. Totts loudly blew his nose. "It shall remain court-house in thedictionary of scholars, " he remarked. Willows ran his eye up and down Totts' list, and then up and down Totts. "Schooling, " he softly returned, "has done powerful little for theAmurrican who sails to Yurrup and puts surrup on his hot cakes. " "Yes, indeed; yes, indeed!" said Cottsill and Maverick again. "Gentlemen, gentlemen!" pleaded Kibosh, "do not quarrel. " "Kwawrul, you mean, " smiled Jesse Willows. "It's immawrul to kwawrul inSurracuse, Noo Yorruk. " Totts now began to show signs of jumping up and down. "Have we adopted phonetic spelling, or have we not?" he roared. "Not yore kind, " said Willows. "Yore!" echoed Totts. "Listen to that dialect!" And he blew his noisemore loudly. "Hup, hup, " began Egghorn; but his voice stuck as usual. "You should get a chauffeur, " said Cottsill, severely, to him. "Hup, hup. Compromise, " finished Egghorn. "Ah, yes, gentlemen, there we have it!" said Kibosh, earnestly. "Compromise is progress. Let us all accept one another. Thus the causewill profit. " His exhortation produced a brief, a very brief, lull. Each looked at theneighboring blackboards in silence; and Kibosh, doubtless with the ideaof harmony, set the organ once more to playing, "My spelling 'tis ofthee, " while the rattling West continued to create a new language behindus. At length Cottsill sighed. "Very well, " he said, "for the sake ofanywheres, I'll vote for surrup. " "That's wise, that's kind, that's good, " said Kibosh; and he beat onehand gently on the table. At this hopeful point, Jesse Willows noticed, for the first time, thatno lady was now present, and his long body made a singular twisting andfree motion beneath his clothes. "I will vote for rud and anywheres, " Totts said. "But I doubt if I canaccept coat-house. " Jesse Willows took him instantly by the nose. "You'll accept nothin', "said he, with great sweetness; and he shook him forward and back. "I amweary of you and yore antics, " and he shook him right and left. "You'regoin' to rub out everything you have written, " and he shook him roundand round. "Help, " gurgled the struggling Totts. "Help!" "No, indeed; no, indeed, " cried Maverick and Cottsill, delighted. "You gentlemen are included, " said Willows to them, and they bothhastily covered their noses with their hands. "I don't mean that way, "he continued. "But you're goin' to rub yore lists out, too. Why, you'rethe contemptiblest of all the great American frauds. Just because youhave written a picayune book on some picayune specialty, you pass forbein' educated in our half-civilized country. Put you among genuinescholars and you would look like old gum shoes. I know my accent isprovincial, " he paused and looked at Totts for a moment, "but it's aheap prettier'n yore's, " he shook Totts round and round again, "and youand I are just goin' to let the English language take care of herself. She has done it for a thousand years, and she'll do it for a thousandmore, changin' what she pleases an' keepin' what she pleases. " So saying, the young man, even as one drags a resisting dog by a chain, dragged the howling Totts by his nose to the blackboard, and forced therubber into his hand; and as Totts hung back his firmly imprisoned organreceived a still more acute sensation, whereat he leaped into the air, and erased his Surracuse list at one sweep. And next, since Cottsill andMaverick were hanging back also, one with his arms shielding grantha, while the other shielded anywheres, Totts was conducted to those words. "Out with grantha, " commanded Jesse. "We'll keep it grandfather for awhile yet, Mr. Bean Talk. " They attempted to defend their lists, butvainly; and in the conflict that arose, a rubber flew crooked and hitone of the great West sharply in the back of the neck. He, being under amisapprehension, thereupon kicked his neighbor savagely, and in a momentall the profound scholars engaged together in a blind war, rubbing outone another's lists, whacking one another's heads, and often rollingby twos and threes beneath the table, from which dictionaries andinkstands were falling continuously. It was with the greatest difficultythat I got the gasoline organ between myself and harm's way. JesseWillows had mounted upon the table with the still faintly bellowingTotts, whom he led slowly from one end to the other, amid the clouds ofchalk and the general bedlam. [Illustration: Jesse had mounted upon the table with the still faintlybellowing Totts. ] At the first pause which exhaustion brought, Masticator B. Fellows wasperceived to be looking on quietly. "Gentlemen, " he said, "dear friends" (and these words stoppedeverything), "I am well pleased with what you have accomplished. Iexpected results, and I have got them. The surgeon awaits you in theHouse of Bandages. " No serious wounds were found; but also no scholar was found to be uponspeaking terms with any other. By the generosity of Masticator each wassent home separately in a private car, on a special train, with plentyof chickle. Masticator had created all the publicity that he desired. New studentsswarmed in armies to his University, and he presently issued a billionmore shares of Chickle common. The press of the whole country rang withthe enterprise. SIMPLE SPELLERS WED was one of the first headlines that greeted me upon my homeward journey. Yes; Jesse Willows and Gertrude Appleby were the exceptions; these twoscholars had gone away in the same car together to their honeymoon, while I returned lonely to the index of my forthcoming volume. Heigho!