GODFREY MARTEN

UNDERGRADUATE

BY

CHARLES TURLEY

AUTHOR OF 'GODFREY MARTEN, SCHOOLBOY'

LONDON

WILLIAM HEINEMANN

1904

_All rights reserved_

CONTENTS

CHAP. 

 I. OXFORD II. INTERVIEWS III. THE RESULT OF THE FRESHERS' MATCH IV. UNEXPECTED PEOPLE V. THE WINE VI. JACK WARD AND DENNISON VII. THE INN AT SAMPFORD VIII. LUNCHEON WITH THE WARDEN IX. A SURPRISE X. MY MAIDEN SPEECH XI. A CRICKET MATCH AT BURTINGTON XII. THE USE AND ABUSE OF AN ESSAY XIII. NINA COMES TO OXFORD XIV. GUIDE, HOST AND NURSE XV. MISHAPS XVI. THE SCHEMES OF DENNISON XVII. THE PROFESSOR AND HIS SON XVIII. THE ENERGY OF JACK WARD XIX. THE WARDEN AND THE BRADDER XX. THE HEDONISTS XXI. ONE WORD TOO MANY XXII. A TUTORSHIP XXIII. OUR LAST YEAR

CHAPTER I

OXFORD

The night before I left home for Oxford I had a talk with my father. He was not of the sentimental kind, but I knew that he had a rarefondness for my brother, my sister Nina and myself, and I have neverhad a moment when I did not return his affection. He had always beenbothered by my lack of seriousness, and he doubted whether I shouldreally get the best out of 'Varsity life. After telling me that thetime had come for me to treat things more seriously, he finished up bysaying: "I am going to give you two hundred pounds a year, which ismore than I can afford, and which, with your exhibition, must be enoughfor you. I have put that amount to your credit in the bank at Oxford, and I don't expect to hear anything about money from you either duringthe term or when you are at home. You ought to know by this time whatmoney is worth, and that debt is a thing you must avoid. Be a man, Godfrey, and don't forget that the first step towards becoming one isto behave like a gentleman. "

I shook his hand to show that I understood, for he wanted neitherpromises nor protestations, and if I had been able to be sentimental hewould have left the room without listening to me. 

He didn't say much, but what he did say was beautifully simple, and onleaving him I felt very solemn and, since I must tell the truth, veryimportant. The idea of having a bank account was one which did notlose its glamour for several days. There was something about my firstcheque-book which pleased me immensely, for I had not been brought upin a nest of millionaires, and am glad to confess that until I went toOxford the possibilities attached to a five-pound note were almostwithout limit. 

Fred Foster--who had been staying with me--and I parted at Oxfordrailway-station without falling on each other's necks, but although wedid not cause any further obstruction on a platform already far toocrowded, we understood that the friendship which had prospered duringso many years at school was not going to be interrupted because he hadgot a scholarship at Oriel while I was an exhibitioner of St. Cuthbert's. 

I began by losing my luggage, which was exactly the way some peoplewould have expected me to begin, and when I arrived at the collegelodge I must have looked as if I had come to spend a Saturday to Mondayvisit. One miserable bag was all I possessed, and the porter viewedme, as I thought, with suspicion. He was a grumpy old person, and whenI told him that I had lost my luggage he grunted, "Gentlemen do, especially when they're fresh, " which I thought very fair cheek on hispart, though I did not feel at that moment like telling him so. 

Then having said that my name was Marten, he hunted in a list and tolda man to take my bag to Number VII. Staircase in the back quadrangle. I followed, feeling rather dejected, and I cannot say that the firstsight of my rooms tended to raise my spirits. They were small anddismal, the window opened on to a balustrade which, if it prevented mefrom falling into the quadrangle, also managed to shut out both lightand air. The furniture can be described correctly by the wordadequate; there were some chairs and a table, college furniture forwhich I was privileged to pay rent. The chairs looked as if nothingcould ever wear them out or make them look different. They had beenbuilt to defy time and ill-usage. 

I went into my bedroom and was more satisfied, by some strange freak itwas bigger than my sitting-room, and after I had seen other freshers'bedrooms I acknowledged my good luck. There was at least room to havea bath without splashing the bed. I was still looking disconsolatelyabout me when my scout came in and treated me with a calm contemptwhich immediately raised my spirits. His air was so obviously that ofthe man who knew all about things, and he told me what to do with agravity which was intended to be most impressive. His name wasClarkson and I stayed on his staircase during the three years I was incollege, though at the end of my first year I moved into larger rooms. He was in a mild kind of way an endless source of amusement to me, because every one knew that under his veil of imperturbability washidden, not very successfully, a flourishing crop of failings. Whenever his chief failing overpowered him his gravity increased, untilhe became one of the most indescribably comic people I have ever seen. 

He told me that chapel was at eight o'clock on the following morning, and asked me if I should be breakfasting in. I found out afterwardsthat unless I wanted to go to chapel I could go to a roll-call in anygarments which looked respectable, and then go back to bed; but I didnot hear this from Clarkson. He was far too keen on getting men out ofbed and their rooms put straight to give such very unnecessaryinformation. However, he was useful at the beginning, and had he nottold me where to go for dinner I don't suppose I should have troubledto ask him. 

My first dinner in hall was not a pleasant experience. The senior mencame up a day after us, and most freshers, until they settle down, seemto spend their time in waiting for somebody else to say something. That dinner really made me feel most gloomy; things seemed to have beenturned upside down, and in the process I felt as if I had fallen with athud to the bottom. There were two or three freshers from Cliboroughto whom I had scarcely spoken during my last two years at school, andthese fellows all sat together and enjoyed themselves, while I countedfor nothing whatever. 

I began to learn the lesson that being in the Cliborough XI. And XV. Was not a free passport to glory. The man opposite to me looked as ifhe had never heard of W. G. Grace, and when I tried to speak to thefellow on my right about the Australians, he thought that I was talkingabout any ordinary Australian, and had no notion that I meant thecricket team which had been over in the summer. He was quite niceabout it, I must admit, and when he found out what I was driving at, said: "I am afraid I don't know much about cricket; I have been over inGermany the last two or three months, trying to get hold of thelanguage. I want to read Schiller and those other people in theoriginal. "

He did not suit me at all, and as I had not the courage to give myselfaway by asking the names of the other people our conversation dropped. I was, in fact, dead off colour, and the sight of those threeCliborough fellows almost took away my appetite. Until that moment ithad never occurred to me that I had been in the habit of thinking a lotof myself at Cliborough, and in self-defence I must add that I do notsee how a public school can prosper unless some of the fellows sticktogether and try to make things go on properly. Any "side" I may havehad was certainly unconscious, but I haven't an idea whether that isthe worst or the best kind. I know that I should have felt like havinga fit if any one had told me that I was conceited, and apart from thatI don't know anything about it, except, as I have said, that I wasangry that these fellows did not seem to remember that I had been atCliborough. I told myself that they had lost their sense ofproportion, which was a phrase my father used about any one who arguedwith him; and I also said vehemently that they were worms; but unlessyou are quite sure of it, and can get some one to agree with you, thereis not much satisfaction to be got from calling people worms. 

I went out of the hall and found a tall, dark fellow bowling pebblesaimlessly about the quadrangle. I bowled a pebble, and hitting him onthe back, had to apologize. It is rather odd, now I come to thinkabout it, that the first words I ever said to Jack Ward were in thenature of an apology. We strolled out of the quadrangle into thelodge, and after he had looked at me he asked me to come up to hisrooms and have some coffee. I was not at all sure that I wanted to go, but I went. He shouted to his scout at the top of a very powerfulvoice, and I felt that he was much more at home than I was. Idetermined, moreover, to shout at my scout upon the earliest possibleopportunity. 

"I had a brother up here, " he said as soon as we were sitting by thefire, "and he gave me some tips. One of them was to shout at yourscout for at least a week to show that you are not an infant, anotherwas not to row, and the last was not to play cards all day and night. My brother's an odd kind of chap, the sort of man who doesn't know theace of spades by sight, but it's as easy to shout as it is not to row. Your name's Marten, isn't it?"

"Yes, " I replied; "how did you know that?"

"I scored when you came over last term to play for Cliborough againstWellingham. I was twelfth man to the XI. , though you needn't believeit if you don't want to. It's wonderful what a crop of twelfth menthere are kicking around; you may just as well say you are a liar smackout, as tell any one you are a twelfth man. "

I told him that I believed him. 

"That's only your politeness, " he went on; "in a week you will betalking about me as 'that man Ward who says he was twelfth man atWellingham. '"

I sat in his rooms and listened to him talking until eleven o'clock;for almost the first time in my life I had nothing to say, and thatmust have been the reason why I felt amused and uncomfortable at thesame time. He seemed to know all sorts of people, and he spoke of themby their Christian names, which impressed me, and he referred to Londonas a place well enough to stay in for a time, but a terrible bore whenone got accustomed to it. Now I had only been to London three times, and one of those could hardly be said to count since it was to see adentist. As I went back to my rooms, I thought that my education hadbeen neglected in many ways, and that Ward had been having a muchbetter time than I had. But I soon changed my mind and decided that hewas the kind of fellow whom I should have thought a slacker atCliborough, and I cannot put up with a man, who when he is doing onething always wants to be doing another. 

When I got back to my rooms I found a letter from my uncle. He was abishop, and there had been trouble between us when I was a small boy atCliborough; he had made jokes about me which I did not bear in silence. But he had spent a month of the summer holidays with us, and had toldmy mother that I had greatly improved; I thought the same thing abouthim, so we got on together very well. I may as well say at once that Ihad laid siege to the bishop. Instead of waiting for him to go for meI went for him, and my mother said that I had discovered the boy in thebishop. If he was idle I employed him, and on his last day with us Ifinished off by making one hundred and thirty-six against him at stumpcricket. When he went away I had changed my opinion of him, but myfather was annoyed that he could behave like a boy when it was time forme to forget that I was one. "You are as silly as the bishop, " becameone of my father's favourite remarks, until my mother asked him tothink of something which was not quite so rude. 

The bishop had really been splendid while he was staying with us, because Nina, having arrived at the age of eighteen, was very difficultto please. Some man in my brother's regiment had been down and saidthat her pug was an angel, and I being unable to reach such heights asthat was compared to my disadvantage with this man. I am nearly sure, too, that she wanted to flirt with Fred, quite regardless of the factthat he was no use at flirting, and I should have had something to sayif he had been. In a short year she had changed most dreadfully, andwas no longer satisfied with being liked very much. She was a puzzleto me, and had it not been for the bishop, who smoothed things over, Ishould probably have worried her far more than I did. 

His letter did not contain one word of cant; he just wished me goodluck, and told me to write to him whenever I felt that he could be ofuse to me. A less sensible man might have preached to me and talkedabout the "threshold of a career"; but, thank goodness, he knew what Iwanted, and that if I had not made up my mind to let Oxford dosomething for me, I was hopeless from the start. 

CHAPTER II

INTERVIEWS

I soon found out that Jack Ward was of a most friendly disposition, forhe came over to my rooms before ten o'clock the following morning andbounced in with an air of having known me all my life. At the moment Iwas talking to a man called Murray, whose acquaintance I had made anhour before. My introduction to Murray could hardly be called formal;he lived in the next rooms to me and at precisely the same time each ofus had poked our heads into the passage and shouted for our scout. Wethen looked at each other and laughed, and the deed was done. I wishthat I could have made all my friends at Oxford as easily; it wouldhave saved so much time. 

Murray was going as Ward came in, and they nodded and said"Good-morning" in the way men do when they don't altogether love oneanother. 

"You seem to know everybody, " I said, without much reason, as soon asMurray had disappeared. 

"I can't well help knowing that fellow, considering that he was atWellingham with me for five years. "

"He didn't tell me he was at Wellingham. "

"He would have in another minute, and that he was captain of the schooland the footer fifteen, and what he was fed on as a baby and how manymuscles he had got in his big toe, " Ward jerked out as he pulledfuriously at his pipe, which he had already tried to light two or threetimes. 

"I thought he seemed a nice sort of man, " I said. 

"I expect you think everybody you see nice sort of men, " he repliedrather queerly, though he laughed as he spoke. 

"I hope so; it is a jolly comfortable state to be in, " I answered. 

"But a very dangerous one. You must get awfully left. "

I picked up _Wisden's Cricket Almanack_, which had been one of thethings in my bag, and began to read it, for I had taken a fancy toMurray and did not see much use in listening to what I felt Ward wantedto say about him. 

"You will probably be friends with Murray for about a month, and thenit will end with a snap, " he said. 

"I can promise you that if I am friends with him for a month it won'tend with a snap, even if his toes simply bulge with muscles, " I replied. 

"If anybody warned you against a man you would take no notice. "

"It depends who warned me, and whom I was warned against. And since itis no use pretending things, " I added, "I don't see much wrong in afellow because he happens to remember something about baby's food. "

"He might be a bore. "

"So may anybody, " I answered, for Ward's persistence was beginning toannoy me. He got up from his chair with a great laugh, and put hishands on my shoulders. 

"We mustn't begin by having a row with each other, " he said. 

I stood up so that I could get rid of his hands, and felt inclined tosay that I did not want to begin at all, but I stopped myself. Therewas something in the man that attracted me. I may be peculiar, but Ilike people who shake the furniture when they laugh, having sufferedmuch from a master at Cliborough who never let himself go farther thana giggle. 

"I suppose we must go and see these blessed dons. They want to see usat half-past ten, don't they?" he said. 

I looked at my watch and found that it was nearly eleven o'clock, so webolted down-stairs and across the quadrangle as hard as we could. Itwas a very bad start but I had completely forgotten that we had to goto the hall at half-past ten, and Ward gave me no comfort by sayingthat he did not suppose it mattered when we went as long as we turnedup some time. Dons would have to be very different from masters ifthat was the case, and as I imagined that they would be of much thesame breed only glorified, I had no wish to begin by making them angry. 

There were thirty or forty freshers in the hall when we got there, anda few dons sitting at the high table at the end of it. Murray and twoor three other men were up talking to them when I arrived, and Iguessed that they were taking the scholars and exhibitionersalphabetically, and that I was too late for my turn; though Ward, whowas a commoner and fortunate enough to begin with a W, was probably inheaps of time. 

When Murray came down he told me that they had called out my nameseveral times, which made me, quite unreasonably, feel angry with Ward, but presently they shouted for me again and I went up. 

Though I felt rather agitated as I walked up the hall and saw thesegowned people waiting for me, the idea flitted across my mind that theylooked most extremely like a row of rooks sitting on a long stick. Myprevailing impression as I approached them was one of beak, they seemedto me like a lot of benevolent and expectant birds. As a matter offact this impression was false, and I got it because I was looking atthe Warden--as the Head of St. Cuthbert's was called--and not at thegroup of dons on each side of him. 

The Warden was a little man whose head had apparently sunk down intohis neck and got a tilt forward in the process. His eyes were grey andshrewd, the sort of eyes which one watches to see the signs of thetimes; his nose, being that of the Warden, I will only call prominent, and he had a habit of passing his hand over his mouth and chin, whichwas merely a habit, but suggested to me at first sight that he waspleased with his morning shave. He was nearly sixty years old, andwhen he wanted to be nice his efforts were not intelligible toeverybody, but there was no mistaking him when he really wished to benasty. However, he was one of those men who are spoken of at Oxford ashaving European reputations, and possibly the burden of an Europeanreputation gives the owner of it a right to behave differently fromordinary people who have no reputation at all, or if they have onewould prefer that it should be forgotten. 

The Warden held out a hand to me and almost winced at my manner ofgrasping it. My father always said that he knew a man by hishand-shake, but I ought to have been wise enough to spare the Warden. 

"I was in doubt whether or no we were to have the privilege of seeingyou this morning. Perhaps the fatigues of a long journey by railcaused you to remain in your bedroom for a longer time than is usual, or indeed beneficial. "

I was on the point of saying that I had been up at eight o'clock, whenit occurred to me that an apology would be shorter than an explanation, so I mumbled that I was very sorry for being late. My chief desire wasto get away from an atmosphere which I found overpowering. 

I had to listen to some more remarks from the Warden, all of which werespun out in his extraordinary way, and at last I was introduced to mytutor, Mr. Gilbert Edwardes, who took me on one side and set to worktelling me what lectures I was to attend. I think he meant to befriendly but he had a dreadfully stiff manner, and I am sure that hefound it very difficult to unbend. He reminded me most strongly of ashirt with too much starch in it, or whatever it is that makes shirtsas stiff as boards. 

Later on in the day I went to see him in his rooms in college and hegave me a little advice and exhorted me to work. It was all acut-and-dried sort of affair which did not appeal to any feelings Ihad, but since he was my tutor I thought I had better tell himsomething about myself. 

He was even smaller than the Warden and quite the most prim-looking manI have ever beheld. His face was colourless and smooth, and as I satopposite him in his gloomy room he looked so tidy and sure of himselfthat I found a great difficulty in speaking to him. Having said theusual things he was very obviously expecting me to go, but I did notwant him to begin by thinking that I was a saint, though why I imaginedthat he was in any danger of thinking so I cannot explain. He had, however, said so much about work and the great care I must take inavoiding men who distracted me from my duty, that I thought I hadbetter tell him that I was a very human being. 

I never remember having twiddled my thumbs before but I caught myselfdoing it in his room. He was so placid and demure that I could notimagine that he had ever done a foolish thing in his life. It wasimpossible for me to think that he had ever been young, and I wantedhim to know that I was both young and foolish. He must have known theone and I expect he guessed the other, but at any rate my intention wasto begin fair. Then whatever happened he would not be able to say thatI had not warned him. 

But he made me so nervous that I did not get the right words, and Imade him look more like a poker then ever. "Thanks, most awfully, " Ibegan, and it was a bad beginning, "for all your advice. But I want totell you that I do the most stupid things without meaning to do them. I mean that they only strike me as being stupid after I have done them. "

Mr. Edwardes made noises in his throat which sounded like a successionof "Ahems, " and I floundered on: "I am afraid it is very hard for menot to like amusing myself as much as possible, but of course I willtry to work and all that sort of thing as well. " He stood up when Igot as far as that and smiled at me, but I cannot say that he seemed tobe pleased. "I thought I had better tell you, so that you would know, "I added before I left him, and I went away with the hopeless feelingthat I had made a complete idiot of myself. I hated Mr. Edwardes as Iwent back across the quadrangle, for I felt that I had tried to takehim into my confidence and that he had responded by getting rid of me. 

When I reached my rooms my luggage had arrived and I let off steam--soto speak--by having a dispute with the man who had brought it. I didnot get the best of that dispute, but I did make an effort to practisethe economy which my people had advised, and Clarkson saw me in a rage, which must have been very good for him. For a solid hour I unpackedthings which I had thought beautiful in my study at Cliborough and putthem about my room, but somehow or other most of them did not seem asbeautiful as I had thought them, and there was a picture--I had won itin a shilling raffle, and been very proud of it--which filled me withsorrow. It had been painted by the sister of a fellow at Cliborough, and when he was frightfully hard-up he arranged a raffle, and everybodysaid I was jolly lucky to win it. I was even bid fifteen shillings forthe picture by the original owner, but as I suspected that he wanted toget up another raffle I refused the offer. When I saw the thinghanging on my wall I wished that I had not been such a fool. Havinggot the thing I did not like to waste it, but if some one would havecome in and stuck a knife into it I should have been very pleased. Thename of this burden was "A Last Night at Sea, " and the subjectsrepresented were a small boat and two or three people huddled togetherat one end of it, while in the middle of the boat a woman with longstreaming hair was stretching out her arms towards a terrific wave. IfI had not remembered the name it might not have been so bad, but underthe circumstances no one could say that it was a cheerful thing to livewith. I suppose the satisfaction of having it in my study atCliborough had been enough, for I did not recollect having looked at itbefore, and when a lot of fellows are swarming around saying what alucky chap you are to have won a thing, it is not very likely to giveyou the blues then, whatever it may have in store for you afterwards. I turned "A Last Night at Sea" with its face to the wall and went ondecorating my room. Photographs of my father and mother which I put onmy mantelpiece made me feel rather better, but Nina resplendent in agreen plush frame made me think again. I had been very proud of thatframe some years before when Nina had given it to me; she had sold tworabbits and borrowed sixpence from Miss Read, her governess, to buy it, and it had never occurred to me that I could grow out of my admirationfor green plush. The question of what to do with it puzzled metremendously; I didn't want to treat Nina badly but the frame was anabomination. Fortunately there was a ring attached to the frame and Ihung it up in a dark corner, but I promised myself that it should comeout the following morning. 

I had just sat down to survey my labours when Murray came in andproposed we should go for a walk in the town, and as I was perfectlysick of my room I was quite ready to go. Although the time was barelyfour o'clock and the sun doesn't set for another hour in the middle ofOctober, it was half dark and drizzling with rain as we walked downTurl Street and came into The High. But I had got rid of my gloom andwas eager to spend money. I did not quite know what I wanted but thatwas not of much consequence. We went into a shop which seemed to beexactly the place for any one who wished to buy things, and did notcare much what he bought. Before I came out of it I had bought twochairs, a standard lamp, a small book-case, an enormous bowl--which gotin my way for two years until somebody smashed it--a tea-set, a smalltable and half-a-dozen china shepherdesses. I then went to other shopsand made more purchases, while Murray looked on and smiled until I waswaylaid by an accommodating man in the Cornmarket, who wanted to sellme a fox-terrier pup, and was ready to keep it for me if I had no placefor it; and then I was told not to be a fool. That man's opinion ofMurray is not worth mentioning. 

When we got back to college it was past five o'clock, and between us wemanaged to find everything that was necessary for tea. I had a fire inmy room, but Murray had not one in his; he had tea-cups, but I hadnone; while I had things to eat, which our cook at home had declaredwould be useful and I had most reluctantly brought with me. We were inthe middle of this very substantial meal when Fred Foster came in, andfrom his glance round my room I saw that he thought it was a fairlydismal spot. 

"Rather like an up-stairs dungeon, " I said. "Have you got a betterplace than this?"

"It is bigger and not so stuffy, " he answered; "but it won't make youvery jealous. "

"You wait until I have got all the things I have just bought, and thenyou will think this no end of a place, " I remarked. 

"If any one can get inside, " Murray put in. 

"It will be rather a squash, " I admitted; "I've spent over twelvepounds already. "

"That's just the sort of thing you would do, " Foster said. 

We sat and talked for an hour until Ward burst in, knocking and openingthe door at the same moment. 

Murray and Foster had been getting on splendidly together, but directlyWard came they hardly said a word. Possibly they did not get muchchance, but any one could see that Foster had taken a dislike to Wardat sight. 

Murray went away very soon and left the three of us together. 

"I've been over to Woodstock in a dog-cart with Bunny Langham and BobFraser, " Ward said. "By Jove, that cob of Bunny's can move. We gotback in five-and-twenty minutes. "

As I didn't know how far it was to Woodstock and didn't care, I saidnothing, so Ward went on, "Bunny's a rare good sort; you ought to meethim. "

"What college is he at?" I asked. 

"At the House--Christchurch, you know. " I did know, and thought theexplanation cheek. "I have hired a gee from Carter's to-morrow, and amgoing to drive over to Abingdon with Bunny, will you come?"

"To-morrow's Sunday, " I said. 

"Yes, there is nothing else to do. The better the day the----" But Iinterrupted him. 

"Don't talk rot, I hate those things. Are you going in a dog-cart?" Iasked. 

"Yes, it is Bunny's cart. "

"I am jolly well not going to sit on the back seat of a dog-cart if Ican help it; I would rather go about in a perambulator, " I said. 

"You are so confoundedly particular, " he went on with a great guffaw oflaughter, "but since it is Bunny's cart and I am going to drive I don'tsee how we can offer you any other seat. "

"Who the blazes is Bunny?" I asked, for his name was beginning to geton my nerves, and Fred Foster sitting as dumb as a mute was enough toupset any one. 

"I know him at home, his father is the Marquis of Tillford and his realname is Lord Augustus Langham, only his teeth stick out and every onecalls him Bunny, " Ward answered. 

"Heaps of money?" I said. 

"Plenty, I should think. "

"Then he is no use to me, though he may be the best fellow in theworld, " I declared. 

"You are a rum 'un, why he is just the sort of man who is some use. "

"That depends, " Foster said suddenly. 

"Yes, it depends, " I repeated, though I didn't know exactly whatdepended. 

"What depends?" Ward asked Foster. 

"Well, if a man hasn't got much money it is no use knowing a lot of menwho have got no end. "

"It never struck me that way. Perhaps you are right, " and then turningto me, he added, "Come to breakfast anyhow to-morrow morning, Bunnywon't be there then. "

I promised to go, and then he left us. I walked back to Oriel withFoster and he had got a lot to say about Jack Ward. "Where in theworld did you find that man?" was his first remark after we were alone. 

"He found me, " I said. 

"I should lose him as soon as possible, " Fred went on. 

"I don't think that would be very easy, " I answered, "and I don'tbelieve he is a bad sort really. "

"I'll bet he never came back from Woodstock in five-and-twentyminutes, " Foster said. 

CHAPTER III

THE RESULT OF THE FRESHERS' MATCH

If I had to describe in detail the first two or three weeks of my lifeat Oxford, I think that accusations might be brought against me ofhaving eaten too much, or at any rate too often. Fortunately I had agood digestion, I cannot imagine the fate of a dyspeptic freshman if hehad to attend a series of Oxford breakfasts. I have, however, onlyonce encountered a fresher who suffered from dyspepsia, and if therewas any other man so afflicted at St. Cuthbert's he probably did notadmit his complaint. For we were supposed to be very cultivated at St. Cuthbert's, and at that time it was not good form to hold a roll-callof our diseases at breakfast, to discuss surgical operations atluncheon, and to provide tales of sea-sickness by way of humour atdinner. We kept our complaints to ourselves and were in truth morethan a little ashamed of them. 

St. Cuthbert's had a reputation of its own. Men in other collegescriticized us very freely. They said that we were prigs, that the'Varsity boat would never be any good as long as there was a St. Cuthbert's man in it, and other pleasant things which did not annoy me, since I, having been a butt for much personal criticism all my life, can even get some satisfaction from finding that a crowd of otherpeople are as bad as I am. Besides, we had nearly one hundred andfifty men at St. Cuthbert's, and I thought it was absolutely stupid tosay we were all prigs and that none of us could row. 

The truth of the matter was, as far as I could judge, that at St. Cuthbert's there were often a large number of clever men, and clevermen when young can get on one's nerves most terribly. It is all rightfor men to be clever when they are old or even middle-aged, thenallowances are made for them and they may be as odd as they please. But if any one happens to be clever when he is at Oxford, he will haveto watch himself closely or he will be called either a genius or alunatic, and the one is almost as fatal as the other. 

In a college as large as St. Cuthbert's it was natural that thereshould be a number of different sets. We had several men who are bestdescribed by the word "bloods"; two or three of them belonged to theBullingdon, a few of them to Vincent's, of which Club most of "theblues" in the 'Varsity were members, and nearly all had plenty of moneyand every one of them lived as if they had plenty. I cannot call themathletic, though they and the really athletic set were more or lessmixed up together. We had also a very serious set who, I thought, gavethemselves far too many airs. Perhaps serious is not quite the rightword to apply to them, for one of this gang wrote a comic opera andanother wrote a farce; but these were just thrown out in their sparetime, and when I attended a reading of the libretto of the comic operaI went so fast asleep that I cannot say how comic it was. But if ithad been very funny I should think some one would have laughed loudenough to wake me up. Generally speaking this set seemed to be bent onthe reformation of England, a thing which has happened once and israther a difficult matter for a college debating society to bring aboutagain. The reformation which they were bent upon was not, however, religious, for they thought little of the religion which satisfiesordinary people. One of them told me that religion was merelyemotional and sentimental, a crutch for a weak man, and went on to saythat their scheme was moral and social, a cry for a better life andagainst the oppression of the poor. That man bored me terribly, butsince one of his own set had told me that he was the cleverest man inOxford I did not like to tell him what I thought. Besides I was only afresher who had not yet looked around, and he was the first man I hadmet who was the cleverest man in Oxford, though I met several othersafterwards who had arrived at the same peak of distinction. I even gotso weary of meeting this particular brand of man that I asked Jack Wardto help me along my way by spreading a report that I was a mostpromising poet, but he said that no one who had ever seen me wouldbelieve him. He meant to be complimentary, I believe. 

It was into this medley of sets that I was plunged headlong. Crowds ofmen called upon me and asked me to meals. Some of them wanted to knowme because I played cricket and football, the captain of the collegeboat called because he wanted me to row, some of the "bloods" leftcards on me because they had seen me walking about with Jack Ward, whomthey had marked down as one of themselves. A few men called from othercolleges who had known me at Cliborough, or had been asked to seesomething of me because their people knew mine. I got to know theoddest lot of men imaginable, and as long as they looked clean and didnot try to rush me into helping them to reform the world, I liked themall. 

But in spite of Ward, who pretended that Rugby football was anoverrated amusement, I wanted to belong to the athletic set, and Istarted by playing footer in a thing which is most correctly called"The Freshers' Squash. " In this struggle any fresher who had neverplayed rugger in his life, but thought he would like some exercise, could play, while footer blues dodged round and took your names, if youwere lucky enough to touch the ball, and booked you for the propergame. On the following day I played back in the real freshers' match, and was most tremendously encouraged before I started by hearing oneman say to another that I had come up with a big reputation fromCliborough. Perhaps I was encouraged too much, or possibly I had eatentoo heavy a luncheon, for whatever reputation I might have had beforethe game began, was effectually dispersed before we had finishedplaying; and Foster, who was playing three-quarters on the other side, was the man who assisted me in this dismally easy task. Four times hecame right away from everybody, and once he slipped down in front ofme, but on the other three occasions he simply swerved away from me andI missed him by yards. The man who had been full back to the 'VarsityXV. The year before had gone down, and Foster had put into my head theidea that I ought to have a jolly good chance of getting my blue. Thismatch was a very rude blow, and when I put on my coat and walked out ofthe parks I felt that I had been very badly treated. I was not at allsure with whom I was most angry, but I had a general feeling thatwhatever I tried to do went most hopelessly wrong, and that I was muchbetter fitted to sit in a dog-cart with Jack Ward, than I was to standup in a footer-field and be made a fool of by Fred Foster. 

As luck would have it the first man I saw when I went into the collegewas Ward, and he shouted with laughter when he saw me. 

"I went down to the parks to see you, " he said, "but for heaven's sakedon't look so down on your luck. I don't see that it matters, thereare other things worth doing besides trying to collar impossiblepeople. If you don't have to play again I shall think you arethundering well out of it. "

If anybody had said this to me at school I should have thought that hewas mad, but during the few days I had been at Oxford I had somehow orother got hopelessly mixed up. Foster wanted me to do one thing, Murray advised me to do another, Ward kept on asking me to slack, and afellow called Dennison, whom I had met several times, seemed to thinkthat Oxford was a tremendous joke and that the most amusing people init were the dons. 

At any rate I was not in the least angry at Ward's way of taking mywretched exhibition, so I asked him and Dennison and two or three otherfreshers, who were standing around in the quad, to come and have teawith me, and that tea was the beginning of my first big row. I had notfinished my bath when I was sorry I had asked them, for I rememberedthat before the game had begun Foster had asked me to go roundafterwards to see him, and I had a sort of feeling that if he had madean idiot of himself, and I had caused him to do so, he would have mostcertainly not been as angry as I was. However, I had let myself in forthis tea and had to go through with it, and I must say that it was verygood fun. 

If, as some wit said, only a dull man can be brilliant at breakfast, itseems to me that if the converse of this is true St. Cuthbert's musthave contained an extraordinary number of brilliant men. Theamusements of a breakfast given by a senior man to half-a-dozenfreshers were principally food and silence. It is, I think, dreadfullydifficult to talk to a batch of freshers, and only one man, as far asmy experience went, overcame the difficulty. He resorted to the simplemeans of telling us what a wonderful man he was. But when we werealone we chattered like a lot of starlings, every one talked and no onelistened, so we got on well together. 

Ward and Dennison came up to my rooms before I was dressed, and twoother men, Lambert and Collier, arrived soon afterwards. It was aparty of which Ward strongly approved. While I was trying to make thekettle boil, I heard Dennison say that we were the pick of thefreshers, a statement which no one was very likely to deny. I feltbadly in need of some tonic after my afternoon, and I swallowed the oneprovided by Dennison without any hesitation, not stopping to wonder howoften he had said the same thing to other men. As a matter-of-fact wewere rather an odd lot to be the pick of anybody. 

Dennison looked younger than any boy in the sixth form at Cliborough, and he could, on occasions, blush most bashfully. His blush was, however, the only bashful thing about him and he used it very seldom. Ward had told me that although Dennison looked such a kid he knew atremendous lot. I discovered this for myself later on, but I cannotsay that his knowledge was the kind which is difficult to acquire. Heprofessed a wholesale contempt for any game at which he could get hismouth full of dirt, and said that he would as soon make mud-pies asplay football. 

Lambert was hugely tall and walked with a stride which was as long asit was stately. He went in for dressing himself beautifully, strummedon the banjo, and had a playful little habit of arranging his tie inany mirror which he saw. His pride in himself was so monstrously openthat no one with a grain of humour could be angry with him. He talkedabout every game under the sun as if they were all equally easy to him, but I should not think that any one was ever found who believed half ofwhat he said. 

Collier's great point was the beam which he kept on his face, he alwayslooked so perfectly delighted to see you that he was a most effectivecure for depression. He was fat and did not mind, which persuaded methat he was very easy to please. Nature had prevented him from playingfootball with any success, but for six or seven overs, on a cool day, he was reported to be a dangerous fast bowler. 

As Jack Ward thought that no ball yet made was worth worrying when hecould ride, drive, or even be driven, and since I was feeling about assick with footer as it is possible for any one who had got a love forthe game in him to be, I confess that we were a peculiar lot to thinkmuch of ourselves. 

My room was not made to hold five people, who, with the exception ofDennison, were all either very broad or long, but a good honest squashcertainly makes for friendship. We were a fairly rowdy party, becauseLambert had brought his banjo and as soon as he had finished tea hewanted to sing; in fact it may be said of him that he was alwayswanting to sing and could never find any one who wished to listen tohim. I had already heard him sing some sentimental rubbish aboutmeeting by moonlight and another thing about stars and souls, and Ithrew a cushion at his head as soon as he began to make some noisewhich he called "tuning up. " That began a cushion fight, whichresulted in two china shepherdesses, a small lamp, and some teacupsbeing smashed, but it persuaded Lambert that he could not sing wheneverhe felt inclined. We all sat down again, and Ward, who had beenhanging on to the standard lamp while cushions had been flying around, said to me--

"You did look down on your luck when I saw you in the quad. I can'tthink why anybody should take these wretched games so seriously; itseems to me a perfectly rotten thing to do. "

"No game is worth playing in which it matters to any one else whetheryou win or lose, " Dennison said before I had a chance to answer Ward;"the only games a self-respecting man can play are court tennis, racquets and golf. Then there is no one to swear at you exceptyourself. "

"That's rubbish, " I answered. "Half the fun of the thing is belongingto a side, and a man must be mad to say that golf is a better game thancricket. "

"Dennison wasn't trying to make out that golf is better than cricket, but was just saying what games a man can play without being sworn at asif he were a coolie, " Ward said. 

"I refuse to take amusements seriously, " Dennison continued. "I wouldsooner shout with laughter at a funeral than lose my temper playing agame. "

"The sweetest thing on earth, " I said, "is to catch a fast half-volleyto leg plumb in the middle of the bat. "

"It isn't in the same street with a comic opera at the Savoy after agood dinner, " Lambert remarked. 

"At any rate it doesn't last so long, " Dennison, who had a queer ideaof what was funny, put in. 

"A punt, good cushions, June, and a novel by one of those people whomake you feel sleepy, are hard to beat, " Collier stated. 

"You are a Sybarite, " Dennison said, "and you will be a disappointedone before long. All we do here in the summer is to give our relationsstrawberries and cream and run with our college eight. "

"How do you know?" Collier asked, but to so searching a question he gotno reply. 

"The finest sight in the world is a thoroughbred horse, " Ward said. 

"You must have gone about with your eyes shut, " Dennison declared. 

"Don't sit there talking rot, " I said. "If anything ever pleases you, tell us what it is. "

"My greatest pleasure is in polite conversation, " he answered. 

"Oh, you are a sarcastic idiot, " I retorted, for people who areafflicted by thinking themselves funny when I think they are idioticalways make me rude. 

"Dennison never says what he means, " Ward explained, "it is a littlehabit of his. "

"Why can't you talk straight, it's much simpler, and doesn't make mefeel so horribly uncomfortable?" I asked, turning to Dennison. 

"Marten is getting angry, " was the only answer I received, and it wasso near the truth that I wanted to pick him up and drop him in thepassage. 

Ward, however, calmed my feelings by saying that he could not imagineany one troubling to be angry with Dennison. "The one thing he prideshimself on is getting a rise out of people, and we aren't such fools ashe thinks us. "

"And he is a much bigger fool than he thinks, " Collier said solemnly. 

"You are a nice complimentary lot, " Dennison remarked, smiling amiablyupon us. 

"It's your own fault, " Collier continued; "you try to be clever andsucceed in being confoundedly dull. I was at school with him for fiveyears and I know his only strong point is that the more you abuse himthe more he likes you. "

"I'm fairly in love with you, Coalheaver, " Dennison said. 

"Naturally, but you might forget that very witty name. "

"I'm going, " Lambert declared, "for I'm dining in hall, and if I don'tgo for a walk those kromeskis and quenelles will choke me. "

"Half a minute, " and Ward pushed Lambert back into his seat; "now weare all here, I think we had better arrange a freshers' wine. Therealways is one, and nobody will get it up if we don't, so I vote we dothe thing properly. "

Every one seemed to approve of the idea, but as I was no use at makingarrangements I suggested that Ward should manage the whole business. 

"I can order everything, but we must have a committee to choose thepeople we shall ask and all that part of it. We can't ask everybody, "Ward said. 

"Half of them won't come if we do. I should think we had better askthe whole lot, and then we shall know what they are made of, " Lambertadvised. 

"We shan't have a room big enough to hold them, " Collier said. 

After that we all began to talk, and though I had only a hazy notion ofwhat we decided, I heard enough to know that Ward and Dennison meanthaving this wine in about ten days and only intended to ask thefreshers whom they liked. 

CHAPTER IV

UNEXPECTED PEOPLE

The idea of working for Mr. Gilbert Edwardes never had much attractionfor me, and for the first two or three weeks at Oxford I found it verydifficult to satisfy him. However, the excuse that I took a long timeto settle down in a fresh place did not seem as reasonable to him as itdid to me, so I had to abandon it and try to appease him. The worst ofhim was that I never knew whether he was pleased or not; he accepted mymost determined efforts at scholarship as a matter of course andreserved his eloquence for the occasions on which my work showedsymptoms of haste. In less than a fortnight I felt that my tutor and Iwere watching each other, an element of distrust seemed to have sprungup; he took it for granted that I would do as little as possible, whileI was searching for something which could tell me that he was human aswell as learned. 

I could not understand him in the least, for I had been accustomed tomasters who talked about things of which I knew a little even if theywere bored by doing so; but when I met Mr. Edwardes I felt that hebelonged to the ice period, and that he would think the smallest thaw awaste of time. 

I do like a human being, I mean a man who lets you know something abouthim and does not barricade himself against you. But a man who puts upthe shutters in front of his virtues and faults bothers me mostterribly, and I always seem to be bumping my head against somethinginvisible whenever I see him, which is a most disconcerting performance. 

Mr. Edwardes was also Murray's tutor, but Murray was not afflicted, asI was, with the desire to know people more than they wanted to beknown, and he told me that if I would only take Edwardes as I found himwe should get on together splendidly. In spite of Jack Ward, I sawMurray every day, and the more I knew of him the more I liked him. Hewas in my room one evening after Ward had arranged that we were to havea freshers' wine, and I asked him if he was coming to it. 

"I can't go unless I am asked, " he said, "and I shan't go now if I amasked. "

I resolved to say a few things to Ward, but I did not know what to sayto Murray. 

"Ward is asking everybody he wants, isn't he?" he inquired. 

"Yes it was left to him and Dennison, I believe. "

"Then I am not likely to be invited, for he and I never could doanything but have rows with each other at Wellingham. "

"What about?" I asked, for Murray had never said much about Ward to meand I wanted to hear his side of the quarrel. 

"It isn't worth repeating, " he answered. "I was head of the school andWard thought a friend of his ought to have seen. He thinks I am a smugbecause I have to work, and I suppose I think he is a fool because hethinks I am a smug. He is a queer sort, and it is hopeless for me totry to be friends with him, even if I wanted to be, and I don't. "

"He is a fairly good cricketer, isn't he?" I asked, for I haddiscovered that when Murray had once made up his mind no efforts ofmine would change it. 

"Yes, he would have got into the XI. Quite easily only he was so slack, and the master who looked after our cricket couldn't stand him. It wasrather a swindle that he didn't get into the team all the same. "

"I hate slackers, " I said, and to prove it I set to work on some Homerfor Edwardes. Murray got his books and we slaved together for nearlytwo hours, when a most timid knock sounded on my door, and a man camein who seemed to be most fearfully nervous. He was carrying a gown anda cap in his hand, and he looked at Murray, who was not at all analarming sight, as if he had encountered a wild man from one of thoseregions where wild men are bred. I had never had much practice atputting any one at their ease, for most people hit me on the back andcall me "old fellow" far too soon; but I tried very hard to calm myvisitor, and though it was six o'clock I asked him to have tea andevery conceivable other thing I could think of, all of which herefused. He told me his name was Owen, but apart from that I knewnothing, and the more he fidgeted with the tassel of his cap the more Iwondered why he had come. 

Murray, however, guessed that he was in the way and hurried off as soonas he could. Then Owen made two or three unsuccessful efforts tobegin, until I felt that I must offer him something more, only I hadnothing left to offer. The man who said that hospitality covers amultitude of emotions went nearer the mark than most of thoseword-turning people do. But at last it all came out in jerks, and Ifelt most thoroughly sorry for him; if I had been in his place I amcertain I should never have faced such an ordeal. 

"I didn't like to tell you why I had come before your friend, " hebegan; and he still twisted his cap round and round by the tassel. "Isuppose a sort of false modesty prevented me, but I might just as wellhave spoken before him. "

"Murray is a most awfully good sort, " I said lamely, for I wanted tohelp him so much that my head felt hot and I could not think. 

"I expect he is, " Owen went on, "but I haven't come to be friends withyour friends. I only wanted to see you, and the reason is that overtwenty years ago in India your father saved my father's life. "

I did feel relieved when he told me that, for I had been imagining thathe was the kind of man who is known as a freak, and had come to win meover to some stupid crank which he would call a noble cause. 

"I am most tremendously glad you have come, " I said, and then I begantalking about my father's old regiment, and Owen could not get a wordin until I had finished. 

"You don't understand, " he said, as soon as he got a chance; "when youtalk about a regiment you only think of the officers, my father was oneof the men. "

"I don't see what that matters as long as his life was saved. "

"It does matter, " Owen replied; "it matters here very much, where thereis not much liberality except in offering meals and things not wanted. "I moved my feet and kicked the fender, the fire-irons jangled togetherand he went on: "I ought not to have said that, it is my blundering wayto say the thing I oughtn't; what I meant was that Oxford is not veryliberal to a man like I am, who is here by hard work, and not becausehis fathers and grandfathers were here before him. It is impossible ina place of sets--social, athletic, and all the rest--for a man who hasto work to keep himself, to be treated in the same way as you, forinstance, are treated. I am not what the world calls a gentleman. "

"Oh, confound the world, " I said, "it is always mixed up in my mindwith the flesh and the devil, " and as Owen did not say anything for aminute I asked him what college he was at. 

"I am unattached, St. Catherine's if you like; we are called 'TheToshers, '" he answered, and there was a note of bitterness in hisvoice. "Of course, " he went on, "I am boring you to death, but I mustsay that I should never have come to see you if my father had not mademe promise that I would. He takes a tremendous interest in both yourbrother and you; he knows the place your brother passed into Sandhurstand where he was in the list when he went out, and last summer hewatched for your name in _The Sportsman_, and when you got any wicketshe was as pleased as Punch. He writes to Colonel Marten still. "

I wished I could have said that my father had mentioned him to me, butif I had I am certain that Owen would have seen that I was not tellingthe truth. "My father, " I tried to explain, "never talks aboutanything he has done. If your father had saved his life I should haveheard of it a hundred times. "

"You have the knack of saying the right thing, I shall never get thatif I live to be a hundred;" and then he stood up, and putting a hand onthe mantel-piece looked at the photographs of my people, but he did notsay what he thought about them. 

"If I did say the right thing, it was a most fearful fluke, " I said, for I could not be silent. "I simply hate men who walk about pattingthemselves on the back because they have had what they call successwith a remark. "

He did not listen to what I was saying, but stood staring into thefire; at last he turned round and held out a hand to me. 

"I must thank you, " he began; "and there is one other thing I have gotto ask you before I say good-bye. My father asked me to make youpromise that you would never mention what I have told you about hislife being saved by your father, or anything about him. It seems to bea sort of compact, I don't understand it. He doesn't want your peopleto know anything about me, but only you. "

I promised, of course, but I felt rather bothered. 

"We may meet some day in the street, " he said, and he pushed his handinto mine; but I let it go, and told him to sit down again. For thislast speech of his was annoying, he had evidently got a wrong idea ofme. 

"It is no use talking rot, " I said. "To begin with, what on earth haveyou got to thank me for?"

"If Colonel Marten hadn't saved my father's life, I should never havebeen born, " he said. 

"And you have come to thank me for that?" I said, and I did not mean tobe rude. 

"I was told to, you see, " he answered. 

I looked at him and we both laughed, though I went on laughing longafter he had stopped. The idea of me being thanked for anybody'sexistence was beautifully comic. 

"It is very good of you to have come, " I said, as soon as I could; "butI don't deserve any thanks and you know that I don't. "

"You haven't got much to do with it, perhaps, but you were here and Ishould never have been forgiven if I hadn't come to see you. I shan'tcome again. "

"Oh, bosh, " I replied. "What's the good of talking stuff like that?Of course you will come again, and I am coming to see you, if I may. How long have you been up here?"

"This is the beginning of my third year. "

"What did you get in Mods?" I asked, for I felt sure that he had donewell. 

"A First, " he answered. 

"I wish I had. Where do you live?"

"I shan't tell you. "

"You may just as well, for I shall easily find out. "

He stood up again, and talked as he strode up and down my room. 

"I have been here two years, " he began, "and I know that it isimpossible for us to be friends; and when you have thought it over youwill think as I do. My father teaches fencing and boxing in London; Iwas educated at a school you never heard of; I am helped here by an oldgentleman who discovered that I was more or less intelligent. He has amania for experiments, and I am his latest hobby. Have I said enoughto put you off, or must I go on?"

"I suppose I can please myself when I choose my friends, " I said. 

"That you most certainly can't do here, " he answered. "Let me aloneand I won't bother you any more. Good-night, your bell is going fordinner. "

He walked straight out of my room, and before he had closed the doorJack Ward rushed in. 

"Who is that man?" he asked at once. 

"I am not going to tell you, " I answered, for I wanted time to think. 

"Well he is a funny-looking Johnny anyway, looks as pale as a codfishand as solemn as a boiled owl. You do collect an odd set of friends;there's that man Foster, who seems to be deaf and dumb, and Murray, whogives me the blues whenever I see him, and then this apparition. "

"You can just shut up jawing, " I answered, as I hunted round for mygown; "when I want you to criticize my friends I will tell you. Foster's worth about ten billion of you any day. "

I was very angry, but Ward only laughed and told me to hurry up unlessI wanted the soup to be cold. 

"We are going to have a little roulette in my rooms to-night, " he said, as we walked across the quad. "Will you come?"

"No, I won't, " I answered, and I let him go into the hall first, and assoon as he had chosen his seat I got as far from him as I could. I sawhim talking to Collier, and they seemed to be amused, which did notlessen my annoyance. If the freshers' wine had been held on thatevening, I am very nearly sure that I should not have gone to it. 

After dinner I waylaid Murray, and dragged him off to see Foster atOriel. Two days before Foster had been playing rugger for the 'Varsityagainst the London Scottish, and I had neither seen the game, because Ihad to play in a college match on the same afternoon, nor had I seenhim since. I wanted to hear whether he was satisfied with himself, butI wanted also to tell him about Owen. 

We found him in the college lodge talking to a whole lot of men, but assoon as he saw us he grabbed one man and took us to his rooms. I didnot want this fourth fellow, but since he was there I must say thatFoster could not have got any one nicer. His name was Henderson, andhe had been so successful as captain of his school cricket XI. That hehad played three times for Somersetshire during August. His legs andarms were extraordinarily long and his face was covered with freckles;one freckle had placed itself on the tip of his nose and I did not getaccustomed to it for a long time--it was the sort of thing which onekept on looking at to see if it was still there. He would not talkabout his cricket, except to say that he should not have played forSomersetshire if half the regular team had not been laid up, and hekept on clamouring to play whist, so that at last we gave way to him. 

I had a good opinion of my whist, though how I arrived at it I cannotexplain. Henderson was my partner and he seemed to me to do the mostodd things. For instance when I led a spade and he took the trick, instead of leading another spade he would begin some fresh suit, whichmade me wonder what in the world he was doing. And he did not seem tothink his trumps half as valuable as I thought mine, but just led themwhenever he felt inclined. When Nina, Foster and I played whist it wasconsidered pretty bad form to lead trumps when we had anything else tolead, and we kept them for a big outburst at the finish. I pitiedmyself considerably for having Henderson as a partner, and I was verysurprised to see Murray doing the same odd sort of things. So at theend of one rubber Foster and I played together, but I cannot say thatwe had much luck, and just at the end I made a revoke which Murray wasbrute enough to notice. When Henderson had gone I said that he seemedto be a rare good sort, but it was a pity he did not know a little moreabout whist. I hoped Murray would take that remark partly to himself, because at the end of every hand he had talked to Henderson about whatmight have happened if he had led a different card, and sometimes heeven went on jawing when he had got his fresh hand, which quite put meoff my game. But all Murray did was to laugh, while Foster said to methat he was afraid our way of playing whist was all wrong, and I hadsome difficulty in persuading him that it was not. Then Murray saidsomething about reading Cavendish carefully, but I had heard some onesay that Cavendish was out of date, so I borrowed this man's opinionand expressed it as my own, which amused Murray so much that if I hadnot been sorry for him I believe I should have lost my temper. 

At last, however, we stopped discussing whist, and after I had madeFoster and Murray swear they would tell no one else, I gave them anaccount of Owen coming to see me. Before I began Foster declared thatthe reason I bound them to keep my secret was because I wanted to tellit to every one myself. In fact he expected the whole thing to be somemiserable little affair, for I had a habit, which I have sinceabandoned, of extracting the most terrific promises of secrecy from myfriends and then telling them something which they did not think asimportant as I did. I started that game because I had once toldsomething really funny to a lot of fellows at Cliborough, and they wentand spread it about so quickly that I could never find any one else whodid not know it, which was simply nothing less than a fraud. 

But as soon as I had got fairly into my tale I saw that both Foster andMurray were interested, and at the end of it I asked them what I was todo. 

"Do you think he meant that he wouldn't have anything more to do withyou, or that he just wanted to show you that he would leave you todecide what was to happen next?" Murray asked. 

"I don't know what he meant, " I answered. "He seemed to be in a ragewith the whole of Oxford, only it was not a noisy sort of rage but akind of smouldering business, and perhaps I only imagined the wholething. "

"What was he like to look at?" Foster inquired. 

"Pale and dark, and he looked unwell without looking unwholesome, " Ireplied. 

"I saw him, " Murray said, "and I thought he would have been rather niceif he hadn't been so nervous. He has got great big eyes and about halfan acre of forehead. "

"He wore a flannel shirt and a turned-down collar, and looked clean, " Itold Foster, for I thought he had better know everything. 

"Ask him to lunch and Murray and me to meet him, " Foster suggested. 

"I can't ask a senior man to lunch, it would show that I thought itdidn't make any difference in his case, and I think he would be on thelook-out for things like that. Besides, he wouldn't come. "

"I should leave him alone, " Murray said. 

"I shan't do that, it would make me feel a brute, " I replied. 

"Find out where he lives and I will come with you and see him. I knowyour father, so it will be all right, " Foster proposed. 

"He has called on me, so he can't mind me going to see him, and Ishould like to take you with me. I'll let you know as soon as I havefound out where his rooms are;" and then, as it was getting late, Foster came down with us to the lodge, and I was half out of the doorbefore I remembered to ask him about his footer. 

"I am playing against Cooper's Hill on Wednesday, " he said; "but Ishall be kicked out if I don't play any better than I did on Saturday. "

As we walked up King Edward Street Murray did nothing but talk aboutFoster, and since I was always delighted whenever I could get any oneon that subject I did not look half carefully enough where I was going. Murray was in cap and gown, but I was not wearing what is sometimesmagnificently called "academical attire, " but had on a cloth cap. Ithad never occurred to me that we were likely to meet the "proggins, "but as I turned into The High we ran full tilt into him, and before Ihad time to think of running, a "bulldog" had told me that the proctorwould like to speak to me. There was no way out of it, so I turned togratify this unforeseen gentleman and found that he was my tutor, Mr. Edwardes. He did not trouble to go through the usual formula of askingme whether I belonged to the University and all the rest of it, buttold me to call upon him the next morning. He spoke so quickly that Icould not hear what time he told me to come, but I supposed any timewould do. 

"Did you know that Edwardes was a proctor?" I asked Murray, as soon aswe could go on. 

"Some one told me he was; he is a junior proctor, I think. "

"And a vile nuisance, " I added. "He will be more down on me than evernow. "

"There is no harm in walking about without cap and gown, " Murray said. 

"I'll bet Edwardes thinks there is, " I answered, and as I was feelingfurious at being caught so simply, I gave a tremendous hammer upon thedoor of St. Cuthbert's, and when I wished the porter good-night heglared at me and did not answer. 

CHAPTER V

THE WINE

The faculty of making people angry without meaning to do so is a mostfatal possession. When I remember the men I know who seem to beconstitutionally unpleasant and who walk about saying sarcastic things, I do think I am unlucky. For I annoy people quite unintentionally, andit must be the most stupid way of bringing about a bad result. I getno fun for my money, so to speak. Honestly I did not hear at what timeMr. Edwardes told me to call upon him, and when I strolled over to hisrooms about eleven o'clock on the following morning, I had no idea thathe was likely to be more than usually displeased. But it did not takeme a moment to discover that he was very angry indeed. From what hetold me it seemed that I ought to have appeared at nine o'clock withmany other men as unfortunate as I was, and he evidently consideredthat I had not come at the proper hour because I had thought that onetime would do as well as another. I told him that I did not hear himmention any particular time, but I do not think he believed me, andafter I had paid him five shillings for being without my cap and gownhe did not even thank me, but looked first at his watch and then at along list which he had on his table. 

"It is now a quarter-past eleven, and I believe Mr. Armitage's lectureat Merton begins at eleven o'clock. May I ask why you have decided notto attend his lecture this morning?" and he screwed his mouth up untilit seemed to disappear. 

His question was difficult to answer, because I could not tell him thatMurray and I had decided that Mr. Armitage lectured very badly, andthat I had expressed my intention of cutting his lectures whenever Ifelt inclined. So I said that I had forgotten Mr. Armitage's lecture, which happened to be the truth. 

"I am afraid, Mr. Marten, that you take a very light view of yourresponsibilities, " he said. "It is unusual, I imagine, for anexhibitioner of a college to interview the proctor as soon as you havedone; the college authorities naturally expect their scholars andexhibitioners to obey the rules of the University, and they also expectthem to apply themselves earnestly to their studies. At the presentmoment I am unable to consider that you have realized either of theseexpectations. "

"Well, sir, they are early days yet, " I said with a smile, for Ithought it was best to take a cheery view of the situation. 

"This is no jest, " he replied, and his teeth snapped together verydisagreeably. 

"I did not mistake it for one, " I said, and I wanted to be amicable;"but being without cap and gown last night is not a very awful offence, is it? The proctors would have a very dull time if they did not catchmen sometimes. "

I cannot imagine why I made that last remark, except that he had fixedhis little eyes upon me when I began and it seemed to be dragged out ofme. 

"I do not think that you need trouble yourself about the duties of theproctors, Mr. Marten. Good-morning, and please remember what I havesaid to you. "

I left his room smiling, and I am sure he thought I was laughing athim; but what really amused me was being called "Mr. Marten, " for I hadnot grown accustomed to my prefix and the sound of it was most comicalto me. I am afraid my taste for jokes was very different from that ofmy tutor. 

When I came away from Mr. Edwardes I stood in the front quadrangle andwhistled. My whistle is unmusical and penetrative, useful only when adog has been lost, and some man, whom I did not know, put his head outof his window and said abruptly, "For heaven's sake shut up that vilenoise;" another man chucked a penny into the quad and told me he shouldsend something heavier if I did not stop. The front quad was obviouslyno place for me, but before I had made up my mind where I would go theWarden came out of his house and saw me before I saw him. 

"Good-morning, Mr. Marten, " he said before I could escape; "it is sounusual to find a beautiful quadrangle totally uninhabited that youseem to be undecided whether to leave it or not. Your whistle as Istood by the open window of my bedroom suggested to me that you are notemploying your time most advantageously either to yourself or toothers. "

He stood by me for a moment, and then moving on with his peculiarshuffle disappeared through the doorway leading into the collegegardens. My nerves were becoming upset from these constant encounters, and as I felt that I could not sit down and work until I had some kindof an antidote, I went up to see Jack Ward, who had rooms in the frontquadrangle. 

I found him, as I thought, most beautifully unemployed, but as soon ashe had asked me whether my temper was better in the morning than atnight, of which remark I took no notice, he said that he was beingworried to death. 

There were two telegrams lying on his table, and I thought somethingawful had happened to his people, so I tried to look sympathetic andreplied that if he would rather be left alone I would go at once. Thenhe broke forth into the language of towing-paths and barges and askedme whether I was a lunatic, which was a fairly nasty question when Ithought I was treating his trouble in a becoming spirit. I was not, however, sure what was the matter with him, so I did not say what Imight have said but asked him to tell me why he was bothered. 

"You see it is like this, " he answered, picking up both the telegrams;"one of our groom fellows at home has a brother who knows everythingabout Blackmore's stable, and he has just wired to me that Dainty Dickwill win the Flying Welter at Hurst Park to-day, and I was off to backit when I get a wire from my tipster, Tom Webb, that The Philosophercan't lose the same race. It is Tom's 'double nap' and I am in a holewhat to do. "

As I had never heard before of Dainty Dick, The Philosopher, Tom Webbor Blackmore, I did not feel in a position to give advice, but Ilaughed until I felt quite unwell, and Ward walked about the roomasking violently why I was amused. 

"I thought some of your people were ill when I came in here, " I saidafter some minutes, "and the whole thing turns out to be some gibberishnonsense about Tom Webb, a tipster, and some rotten horses. "

"You are most refreshingly green, " Ward replied, and he screwed thetelegrams together and threw them into the fire. 

"What are you going to do?" I inquired. 

"That's just it, I can't make up my mind. Tom Webb has sent me twelvestiff 'uns running, and if The Philosopher won and I wasn't on it Ishould swear for a month. "

"Then, " I said wisely, "I think you had better back The Philosopher;you ought to think a little of your friends. "

The only answer I received to my suggestion was that of all the foolsin Oxford I was the most sublime, so I told him that if he backedeither of these horses he would be proving that, at any rate, I was notabsolutely the biggest fool he knew. But he had begun to read racingguides and calendars, and every now and then made notes upon a piece ofpaper, so he treated my retort with contempt. 

"I believe, " he said, with a pencil between his teeth, "that DaintyDick can give The Philosopher about eleven pounds, and he has only togive him four, so I shall back The Philosopher. "

"That doesn't seem very good reasoning, " I ventured to remark. 

"My opinion's always wrong, " he explained, "but I have a thunderinggood mind to back both of 'em. "

"It seems the quickest way of losing your money, " I said. 

"Don't be such a confounded ass. I know about some of these stables, aman is a fool if you like who bets and doesn't know. " He shut up hisbetting-book with a bang, and I told him the only tale I knew aboutracing. 

"I have a cousin, " I began, "who owned racehorses and all the rest ofit. He lost every penny he had, and a lot more besides. He knew, asyou call it. " I did not feel that my tale, though it had the merit ofbeing true, was a good one. 

"It is no use for you to sit there and conjure up tragedies, " Wardreplied. "I can't help gambling, it is in my blood; my father is aboutthe biggest speculator in England. If you want a good tip, buySusquehambo Consolidated Rubies. "

I was not inclined to buy anything except a fox-terrier pup, and I toldWard that he would come a most howling cropper if he did not look out. But I have never yet happened to find the man who was inclined to takemy warnings seriously, and Jack Ward, at any rate, was so naturallyoptimistic, that I might have known that he would take no noticewhatever of my advice. 

"I shall back both Dainty Dick and The Philosopher, " he said, when Ihad finished; "come down to Wright's with me, and I will have a fiveron each of them. I don't get tips like these every day. "

He put on his cap and tried to persuade me to go with him, but I wassick of the man, he seemed to me to be simply throwing his money away;so I went back to my rooms, and finding that Murray had been toArmitage's lecture, I borrowed his notes and copied them into my book, though Murray said, and I thought, that I was wasting my time. 

I did not see Ward again until after five o'clock, when he brought anevening paper and a cheerful countenance into my rooms and told me thatDainty Dick had won the Flying Welter, and The Philosopher had beensecond. "Two pretty good tips, my boy, " he said; "nothing but yourobstinacy prevented your being on. "

Collier had been having tea with me, and was to all appearances asleepwhen Ward came in, but without opening his eyes he said, "Betting is amug's game. What price did this brute start at?"

"I don't know until I get the next evening paper, but it is sure to bea good price; there were twelve runners, and they are sure to havebacked The Philosopher. "

"You are a rotter, " Collier stated; "if you are going to stay here, don't talk racing to us. I don't know anything about it and don't wantto. "

"I know a real hot thing for the Manchester November Handicap, beenkept for months, " Ward said quite cheerfully. 

"We don't want to hear it, " I said. 

"I am thundering well not going to tell you anyway. You two men oughtto be in bed, I am going to find some one who is not half asleep, " Wardanswered, and he went away with unnecessary noise. 

Both Collier and I had promised to go to Lambert's rooms after dinneron that evening; he had asked us because he said we ought to have atalk about the freshers' wine, but we knew well enough that he intendedto twang his wretched banjo and sing little love songs which made thenight hideous. If only he would have sung comic things he might nothave caused such wholesale pain, though I should not like to speakpositively upon that point. I did not go to this entertainmentimmediately after dinner, and when I arrived I found the usual gang, Ward, Dennison and Collier, and one other man who turned out to beBunny Langham. Everybody except Collier was playing a game of cardscalled "Bank, " the chief merit of which is its simplicity. The dealerputs some money into the pool and deals three cards to each player, whocan bet up to the amount in the pool that one of his cards will beatthe card which the dealer turns up against him. All that seemed tohappen was that Bunny Langham kept on saying, "I'll go the wholeshoot, " and then complained violently of his luck. It was no game forme and I looked to Collier for amusement, but he had got a bottle ofFrench plums in his lap and was engaged in trying to get them out witha fork which was too short for the job. The banjo had been put backinto its case, and though it was not amusing to see four men play cardsand Collier over-eating himself, I was content to see the banjo putaway for the night, so I got the most comfortable chair I could graspand waited until somebody thought it was time to go to bed. I satfacing Bunny Langham, and as there was nothing else to do I watched himlosing his money, and I should think he was what is called a very goodloser. He was a most curious-looking man and wore eyeglasses which didnot seem powerful enough, for when he wanted to take any money from thepool or--which happened more frequently--pay something into it, he tookthem off and put up a single eyeglass which he managed with the skillof one to whom it was a necessity and not an inconvenience. Hiscomplexion was pink and white, and he had a small patch of piebald hairover his right car, which in some lights looked like a rosette. But inspite of his odd appearance there was something attractive in his face;it must, I think, have been either his expression or his forehead, forit certainly was not his chin, and a nose never looks its best whenshadowed by pince-nez. Dennison was the only winner at the table, andsmiled benignly round him when he was not lighting his pipe. Lambertthrew his money about with a magnificent air more comical thanimpressive, and Jack Ward seemed to be the one man whose attention wasriveted on the game. When a remark was made on any subject except badluck, Ward broke in asking some one how much they were going to stakeor telling Bunny, who never seemed to know what was going to happennext, that they were waiting for him. I thought "Bank" must be thedreariest of all card games, but it was nearly twelve o'clock beforeLangham got up and said he must go. When the game was over I askedWard how much he had won over Dainty Dick, and at once there was a roarof laughter. 

"He lost over three pounds, " Dennison said

"But how did he manage that?" I asked, for my knowledge of racing beinglimited I did not understand how he could have backed the winner ofthis race and yet lost money. 

"Why Dainty Dick started at three to one on, so he only won aboutthirty shillings, and he lost a fiver backing The Philosopher. Ithought he had made a fortune by the way he was talking at dinner, "Dennison answered. 

For a moment Ward looked furious, and the exultant way in whichDennison told me what had happened must have annoyed him tremendously. I felt that Dennison with his seraphic smile was a much bigger idiotthan Ward, so I said, "Well, I can't see where the joke comes in, Ithink it is thundering rough luck, " which remark I considered rathernoble, for I did think that Ward had been scored off beautifully, onlyDennison gibing at him was such a sickening sight that I thought Iwould put off the few words I meant having with him about Dainty Dickuntil we were alone. 

After Bunny Langham had gone we began to discuss the freshers' wine, but Jack Ward looked so down on his luck that I let him arrange what heliked, though as Collier said to me afterwards, Ward only thought hewas deciding everything while Dennison really managed the whole affairand simply twisted him round his fingers. 

"Dennison is as clever as a wagon load of monkeys, " Collier complained, "he looks like a baby and is as cunning as a Chinaman. I wonder how wecan put up with him. "

I wondered, too, and I should think everybody else, except Dennisonhimself, found it difficult to explain his popularity. For he waspopular, and since no other reason occurs to me I expect the fact thathe was always ready to play the piano must have helped him, Lambert onhis banjo was enough to depress a crowd of Sunday-school children attheir annual treat, but Dennison played the kind of music which madeCollier, Ward and me, who were not exactly musical, feel that we couldsing quite well. At Cliborough I had established a record by being thefirst boy who had tried to get into the school choir and failed, butthe man who made me sing "Ah, ah, ah, " until I really could not go onany longer had told me that I should have a voice some day. Perhaps hesaid that out of kindness, but when Dennison played I always rememberedit, and forgot that when I sang in church people sitting in front of mehad been known to look round as if hymns were not made to be sung. 

If discussion beforehand helps to make an entertainment successful ourfreshers' wine ought to have been a colossal success. For days thething seemed to pervade the air and I got horribly tired of it, thoughCollier, who had been given rooms which compared with mine werepalatial, had more reason to be sick than I had. Collier had not onlya certain amount of space at his disposal but also a piano, and ifeither of us had been any use at guessing we might have known that hisrooms would have been chosen. I may as well say now that if any one ofthe freshers who had been invited had also possessed a little senseCollier's rooms would not have been chosen, but the last thing wethought of was a row, until we got into one, which is one of theadvantages of being a fresher. 

Dennison and Ward finally asked about fifteen men to the wine, and onthe appointed night we met in Collier's rooms. It was perhaps not sogreat a privilege to receive an invitation as we thought it was, because each man who accepted had to pay more than the thing was worth. However, there was no doubt that it was well done, Ward had been toSpinney's shop in the Turl and had benefited by Spinney's experience, and Dennison with the assistance of Collier's scout, and in spite ofCollier's mild protests, had prepared the rooms in a way which made mewonder where the owner of them was going to sleep. 

There was a tradition at St. Cuthbert's, and a tradition seems to me avery dangerous possession unless carefully watched, that no wine wascomplete without a large bowl of milk punch. Ward had been told thisby Spinney, who took what he called a fatherly interest in St. Cuthbert's, though it must be an exorbitant kind of interest whichmakes a man recommend a lot of freshers, or anybody else, to mix punchwith champagne and port. Spinney had also provided a terrific amountof fruit and other things, and if Collier's room had only been bigenough to provide space for all of us and for what we were expected toeat and drink, I think our wine at the start would have been a mostimposing display. As it was everybody thought it had been done wellexcept Collier, who told me to look in his bedroom. I looked withoutseeing the bed, which was so piled up with superfluities that theynearly touched the ceiling. 

"When this orgie is over, " Collier said, "every one will have forgottenthat I have to go to bed to-night. "

"I will stay and help you, " I answered, for I was in the mood whenanything seems to be possible. 

We went back into the "sitter, " where everybody was already beginningto eat and, I suppose, to enjoy themselves. There were not enoughchairs to go round, but there is always the floor, and a man who won'tsit on the floor when there is nothing else to sit upon is no use at anOxford wine. Some men even prefer the floor, but that usually happenslater on in the evening. Ward began the musical part of theentertainment by singing "John Peel, " his voice was admirable, becauseit was loud without being very good, and nobody had the discomfort ofwondering whether they could sing well enough to join in the chorus. Ilike a place where you can fairly bellow without hearing your ownvoice. A man called Webb, who had a mole on his forehead and had beenat Cliborough with me, sang the next song, but it was a sentimentalthing, and had a chorus with some high notes in it, an unsuitablechoice which fell flat, and when it was over Webb sat down by me indisgust, and helped himself lavishly to punch by way of consolation. Itold Webb that he had taken Lambert's seat, because Lambert for someother reason had also been helping himself lavishly to punch, and hadbecome argumentative and almost quarrelsome. Webb, however, said thathe was not going to move, and when Lambert returned Dennison had toplay the piano very lustily to drown the discussion which took place. Lambert was six feet two and angry, Webb was the same height andobstinate, both of them had been drinking punch, and if Ward had notintervened by asking Lambert to sing, I believe an unexpected itemwould have formed part of our programme. Lambert sang, or rather triedto sing, and broke down several times; no one minded and he receivedtremendous encouragement to go on, but he fancied himself as a singerand at last became very indignant and abusive. He was then givenchampagne to soothe him, and sat on the floor with a very sadexpression, and his legs stretched out in front of him. Collier threwa fig at him which he caught and threw back, hitting another man on thecheek, figs began to fly about the room until Ward begged everybody notto make a horrible rag before we had properly begun. Collier wentround on his hands and knees collecting figs and calling himself a foolfor spoiling his own carpet. Most people gave him a shove with theirfeet when he came near them, which sent him on to his back andprevented his collection from being a good one. 

Then Dennison began to play "The Gondoliers, " which was the popularcomic opera of the day. Solos were dispensed with, and each chorus wassung many times. The wine was evidently a huge success, the noise wasmagnificent, and everybody was reasonably peaceful. No one noticedthat Lambert and Webb were now sitting side by side on the floor, swearing eternal friendship and requiring champagne in which to pledgeeach other, until Webb got hold of the idea that he was Leander tryingto swim the Hellespont, and Collier poured a jug of water over his headso that he might make the scene more realistic. 

One or two men went quietly away, saying that it was getting late. Themusic stopped for a moment, while Dennison walked about the roomseeking refreshment and finding very little. The noise subsided somuch that a knock was heard, and a scout poked his head into the roomand spoke to Dennison who was standing by the door. Every one askedwhat he wanted, and Dennison assured us that it did not matter, whichwe were all inclined to believe with the exception of Ward, who went tothe piano and began the National Anthem. It was the only tune he couldplay, and he had to take infinite pains to get the right notes, so hewas forcibly removed, and Dennison installed in his place. "TheGondoliers" and the noise began again, while Ward, protesting that itwas time we went away, was disregarded entirely. From sheer distastefor punch and only a very limited taste for wine I had not been seekingmy enjoyment in drinking, but I had smoked far more than was good forme, and my head felt as large as a pumpkin. It occurred to me, however, that if Ward wished our entertainment to close he was sure tobe right, so I pulled over Dennison backwards from the piano. Thatcaused a very fair hubbub and did not do much good, since everybodybegan to sing what they liked, without music. 

Ward went round persuading men to go, until Lambert, Webb, Collier, Ward, Dennison and I were the only ones remaining. Collier was heavywith sleep, but Lambert and Webb, who still sat on the floor with theirbacks propped up against a sofa, were full of song. Dennison sulked ina corner; he told me afterwards that I had hurt his head. Ward and Iby violent efforts got Lambert and Webb upon their legs and proppedthem up against each other. They stood singing, "For he's a jolly goodfellow, " and looking extraordinarily foolish. At last we got them tothe door and shoved them out, but unfortunately the Sub-Warden, who hada habit of being in the wrong place, was standing outside the room, andLambert, who most certainly looked upon him as an old friend, put anarm round him, and hurried him at break-neck speed down the stairs. Webb followed, and when I got into the quadrangle he was on one side ofthe Subby and Lambert on the other. 

They were persuading him to dance. I tried to seize Lambert, whileWard went for Webb; but as I did so they suddenly released their man, and instead of grabbing Lambert I got my arm entangled in the Subby's. I let it go quickly, but he recognized me, and said something about adisgraceful occurrence. It would have been giving Lambert and Webbaway to tell him that I was acting the part of rescuer, so I stoodlooking at him, while Ward drove the other two men out of thequadrangle. As he did not say anything I expressed a hope that he wasnot hurt, but it was more from a wish to prove myself sober than fromany anxiety as to his condition that I made the remark. I thought heunderstood this, for he neither answered nor wished me good-night whenhe went back to his staircase. I was afraid he had been considerablyjolted and was not quite himself. I turned round after watching himout of sight, and found Murray standing by my side. 

"You had better come to bed, " he said, and his tone suggested that Iwas incapable of looking after myself, so I told him that I was assober as a judge. 

"I waited up for you, " he said. 

"To see if you could be of any use, I suppose, " I asked ungraciously. 

"And when Lambert and Webb began to shout the back quad down, I cameout to see what had happened. What were you talking to the Subbyabout?"

"Our arms got interlocked, " I replied, as we walked over to ourstaircase. "The fact is the Subby ought to go to bed in decent time. "

"He could hardly be expected to sleep with a wine going on in the roomsbelow him. "

"I forgot all about that. "

"And so apparently did everybody else who was there, though I shouldhave thought the scout would have warned Collier. "

"Dennison managed the whole thing, I said, and you can thank your starsyou can go to bed without the prospect of a row and a thunderingheadache. "

Then I went into my room and sported my oak, for the rumblings ofLambert and Webb could still be heard in the quadrangle. 

CHAPTER VI

JACK WARD AND DENNISON

The morning following the wine was no morning for me. Of course Iawoke with a headache, but that was nothing in comparison with ageneral feeling that the day was not likely to be a peaceful one. Ilay awake and thought over matters as well as I could until Clarksoncame in to put my bath. Then I pretended to be asleep, but out of thecorner of my eye I saw him looking at me and I conceived a greatdislike for him. He seemed to think I was a curiosity of some kind. He tidied my room, and having finished he asked if I should be takingbreakfast. I sat up in bed and inquired why he supposed I did not wantbreakfast, and my question, I flatter myself, surprised himconsiderably. I told him to get me twice as much breakfast as usualand to be quick, but while I was dressing I wondered how I should eatit, so I went into Murray's room and persuaded him to breakfast withme. Murray had already begun to eat, but when I explained to him thatthis was a little matter between Clarkson and myself, and that it wouldnot do for me to be scored off, he agreed to come. Clarkson, however, was a difficult man to defeat; he provided enough breakfast for fourmen, and though I bustled him as much as I could and was verydictatorial, I could see that he was quietly amused. Murray ate forall he was worth, but the amount of food which Clarkson carried awayfor his hungry family was evidence enough to prove who had won thebattle. 

Conversation did not play any conspicuous part in that meal, but I toldMurray that if everybody at the wine had been as sensible as Ward weshould have got through without any row. "My opinion of Ward haschanged, " I said more than once, for Murray was not inclined to givehim any credit and he certainly deserved some. 

At ten o'clock I went to a lecture, and when I returned I found a notefrom the Sub-Warden asking me to call upon him at noon. It wasprecisely what I expected, but the prospects of another row depressedme. The morning was dark and rainy, and my room was so dismal that Istood on the ledge outside my window and leant against the parapet. Itwas neither a comfortable nor a very safe position, but it suited mymood. I looked down on the back quadrangle below me and watched forsomething interesting to happen. I had not been up long enough to knowthat my wish was not likely to be gratified, nothing exciting ever doeshappen in Oxford during the morning, or if it does I was alwaysunfortunate enough to miss it. 

A man in a scholar's gown hurried across the quadrangle, rushed up astaircase, and came back with a note-book in his hand. The Warden cameout of his house and stood upon his doorstep as if he was trying toremember what he wanted to do. Then he turned round and went into thehouse again. Miss Davenport, the Warden's sister, a lady who wasreported to be talkative and in love, came out and observed theweather. Two minutes afterwards she appeared in a mackintosh, whichwas thoroughly business-like. She was most obviously bent on shopping. Two men, regardless of the rain, strolled out of the front quadrangleand shouted for Dennison, who did not come to his window. I told themthat he was probably in bed, and they answered that I should fall overif I did not look out. It was all most painfully dull, and I was justgoing in when the Subby appeared and went into the Warden's house. Icould guess the reason for that visit, and waited to see no more. Isat down by the fire and tried to think out what I should say to theSubby, and what he would say to me. I did not know much about himexcept that his name was Webster, and that he was a great authority onEtruscan pottery, facts which did not help me much. He also had one ofthe finest stamp collections in the world, but I had never collectedanything for more than a week at a time. I felt that he was adifficult man to gauge, because he had never been what I considered asportsman. His appearance at any rate was not imposing, and I wasdepressed enough to feel thankful for very small mercies. If dons onlyremembered what men feel like after their first wine, they wouldscarcely be hard-hearted enough to inflict further penalties upon them. But it was the vocation of the Subby to keep order in the college, andsome one had told me that rowdy men were his pet abomination. Heregarded St. Cuthbert's as the intellectual centre of Oxford, andOxford as the intellectual centre of the world. No wonder the poor manlooked serious and seldom smiled, for he must have had a lot to thinkabout. He covered up his eyes with enormous spectacles, and the lowerpart of his face with a straggling moustache and beard, you got neithersatisfaction nor information from looking at him. 

It was nearly twelve o'clock before I saw any of the men who had beenat the wine, and then Ward and Collier came into my rooms. I was stillsitting by the fire, and Ward, who would have gibed at my gloom underordinary conditions, simply told me that I didn't look very cheerful, and sat down on the edge of the table, which tilted up and nearlyplaced him on the floor. Collier threw himself into the nearest chair, and pulling a pipe out of his pocket, carefully rubbed the bowl of it, but showed no anxiety to smoke, and considering that I felt as if Ishould never smoke again, I was not surprised. 

"I should like to flay Lambert, Webb, and Dennison alive, " Collier saidquite solemnly. 

"I've got to go to the Subby in ten minutes, " I said, and Collier'sface brightened. 

"I didn't think you would have to go, " Ward remarked; "what an infernalnuisance, and why has he sent for you?"

"I tried to rescue the stupid man from Lambert and Webb, and gotentangled in his blessed arm. He was as sick as blazes, and I shallhear more stuff about being an exhibitioner, " I answered. 

"The man's a fool, " Collier said, "but the biggest ass in the place isDennison. He knew the Subby was out to dinner, and wouldn't be backtill goodness knows when, but he must go on and kick up a row on thatpiano after he knew the Subby was in his rooms. And the beauty of itis that Dennison hasn't been sent for. I call it a confounded shame. We have just been round to see him, and the brute is still in bed asfit as anything, and thinks it the best joke he has heard for ages. Hewouldn't see much humour in it if he went and smelt my rooms. "

"Who has been sent for?" I asked. 

"You, Collier, Lambert, and Webb, " Ward replied. 

"Not you?"

"I have seen the Subby already. I met him in the quad and asked if Imight speak to him. "

"Was he furious?" I inquired. 

"I tried to explain things to him; he was not altogether furious, butstuck on a sort of injured dignity business which was rather funny. "

"It isn't likely a man would want to be danced down-stairs by Lambertand Webb, " Collier said; "I wonder they didn't break his neck, and itwould have been a thundering good job if they had smashed themselves. "

I got up and seized my gown, leaving Collier to continue his wishes forthe destruction of Lambert and Webb if he felt inclined. At any othertime they would have amused me, for Collier was generally difficult tomove in any way, and he was quite funny when his indignation could beroused. 

I am not going to describe my interview with the Subby at any length. He listened patiently to what I had to say, but if a man came to me andsaid that he had caught hold of me by accident I confess that I shouldthink it a poor sort of story. I could not tell him that I was tryingto save him from Lambert and Webb, because that would have beencontrary to what I should have expected them to say about me, if thepositions had been reversed. The Subby ought to have guessed it forhimself and rewarded me, but he had been so hustled that it was perhapstoo much to expect him to guess anything. My reputation for workseemed to have been of the worst. There was no denying that the Subbyand I had been entangled, and it was no use for me to say that it washis fault. I spoke of it as a very unfortunate occurrence, and Iassured him most warmly that it should not happen again. Assurances ofthat kind do not, I should say, count for much. He was so occupied bythe importance of what had passed, that I could not make him see thatthe future was also important. And I did try hard to point this out tohim, I regretted much, I promised more, and I meant everything I saidmost honestly. I had never been so penitent before, but I must at thesame time admit that I had never previously felt quite so unwell. 

Perhaps my protestations had some effect, for my sentence was that Ishould be gated for three weeks, and I received also what must, whentranslated into simple English, have been a warning that unless Ichanged the errors of my ways my exhibition would be taken away fromme. The Subby jawed badly, he was not to be compared with Mr. Edwardes, and he hesitated and coughed, until once or twice I wasalmost inclined to help him out, for I knew what he was going to sayand he fidgeted me. I was, however, in too great a hole to risk much, so as soon as he began I remained silent and hoped steadily that hewould either end soon or be interrupted. He did not know how to beginor when to finish, and if Collier had not knocked at the door and comeinto the room, it seemed to me that nothing but the pangs of hungerwould have warned him that he had said enough. 

I have never seen a more welcome arrival than Collier's, because I hadreally been with the Subby a very long time, and to stand with anattentive expression for ten minutes at a stretch and listen to theusual remarks is in its way quite a feat. I found Ward waiting for mein the front quad, and he asked at once what had happened to me. 

"Gated for three weeks, " I answered; "I suppose I ought to considermyself lucky, he might have sent me down. "

"It knocks all your fun on the head, " he said, "being in by nineo'clock every night is average rot. "

"It won't matter to me, I am going to settle down and read for a firstin Mods, " and I turned into the common room and picked up _TheSportsman_. There were no other men in the room, and Ward stood infront of the fire and kept looking at me as if he wanted to saysomething and could not manage to begin. I read the names of the'Varsity XV. Chosen to play that afternoon against Richmond, and sawthat Foster was still among them. 

"Fred Foster's going to get his blue, " I said. 

"Who the deuce wants to get a blue?" Ward replied. 

"Well, it's better than getting into rows, anyway, " I retorted. 

"You seem to have taken this thing very quietly, " he said, "don't yousee that your being dropped on is a most wretched swindle. Lambert andWebb are only gated for three weeks. "

"It doesn't make a tuppenny-ha'penny bit of difference to me what hashappened to them. If they had been gated for two years it wouldn'tgive me any satisfaction. "

"But they had been mixing all kinds of drink. "

"And the Subby thinks I had, " I said. 

"But you hadn't. "

"No, but that doesn't make any difference. The Subby may be a fairass, but I caught hold of him, and I must be a bigger fool than he is. It's the last time I ever try to rescue a don. "

Two senior men, Bagshaw and Crane came into the room and overheard mylast remark, so I had to tell them the whole thing over again. Both ofthem laughed tremendously, but Crane, who was captain of the collegecricket eleven, and President of the Mohocks, which was theinappropriate name of the St. Cuthbert's wine club, seemed to be moreamused at the solemn way I told the story, while Bagshaw said he wouldhave given anything to have seen the Subby rushing down-stairs. Theylaughed loudly, and as soon as I could escape I went back to my rooms, leaving Jack Ward to talk to them. 

For once I wanted to be by myself, but there was no shaking off Wardthat morning, and he turned up again in about ten minutes and said thathe had told his scout to bring his lunch round to my rooms. I hadstruggled nobly with breakfast, but I hated the suggestion of more foodand told him he had better go and eat somewhere else. My head achedabominably, and I wanted to sit by the fire and go to sleep. Ward, however, decided that I wanted cheering up, though how he was likely toenliven me by eating when I had no appetite he did not tell me. As amatter of fact cheering me up was only an excuse, what he really wantedto do was to give me the explanation which he thought I must beexpecting. If he had known me better he would not have expected me towait for anything, had I imagined any explanation was necessary Ishould have asked him for it at once. But I was not taking anyinterest in explanations, my mouth felt like a cinder, and when someman had met me in the quad and told me I looked "precious cheap, " whichis an expression I detest, I had not the energy to retaliate. 

Ward, having eaten his luncheon and gulped down a most horriblequantity of beer, lit a cigarette, and sat down by the fire. 

"You must think me a most awful brute for having got out of this row, "he began. I told him that if he felt as I did, he would thinkeverybody in the world was a brute. 

"Well, you see, " he went on, "I got the thing up and the Subby didn'tsend for me. "

"It was Dennison's fault, " I said, for I saw no good in dividing theblame, "and if a man can't take his luck in these things he is no useto anybody. My luck's always vile, but that doesn't matter to any oneexcept me, and I am used to it. "

He took no notice of what I said, and continued, "So I told the Subbyit was my fault, but when I saw him I thought only Collier, Webb andLambert had been nailed. "

I roused myself and looked at Ward, who was staring into the fire. 

"You are a fool, " I stated, but I didn't mean it. 

"I had to do it or I should have felt awful, " he said, and then hejumped up and banged round the room, tossing things about and failingto catch them. 

He stood in a new light, and it took me some time to digest what he hadtold me. Of all the men I had met since coming to Oxford I should havesaid that Jack Ward was the one who would watch his own interests mostclosely, and he had upset all my opinions by walking into a quiteunnecessary row. 

"Why did you do it?" I asked him, and I added, "it isn't as if youcould do anybody else any good, " for it is at first very perplexing tofind a man doing exactly the reverse of what you expect. 

"I have told you why I did it, I should have felt so confoundedly meanif I hadn't. But while I was with the Subby I wish I had known that hehad nailed you as well, because I might have told him that you hatedrinking. A don seems to me to have the fixed idea that freshersnaturally drink too much, at least that was the impression the Subbygave me. "

"What happened to you?"

"I'm gated for a fortnight, and he talked a lot of tommy-rot. "

"Well, I think it is most frightfully decent of you, " I said. 

"Oh, shut up, " Ward answered, "I can't stand that. I have never doneanything of the kind before and shan't again. I simply couldn't havefaced you men if I hadn't owned up, and that ends it. "

At that moment Dennison walked in wearing an enormous overcoat and aWellingham scarf round his neck, he looked as beautifully pink as ever, and I hated the sight of him. 

"This is such a blighted day that I am going to watch a footer match, "he said, "it amuses me to see thirty people tumbling about in the mud, and we can go and play pool at Wright's when we have had enough, if youwill come. "

I did not intend to tell Dennison that I was ill, so I said I would goif Ward would come with us, and as soon as we got into the Broad andthe rain fairly beat upon us, I began to feel much better and morecapable of being disagreeable to Dennison. I was in the state of mindwhich makes one anxious to be unpleasant, the sort of mood in whichhorrid people abuse servants or try to kick animals, and I was glad tohave Dennison, who deserved every rudeness imaginable, at my disposal. But the worst of feeling so thoroughly disagreeable is that you areashamed of yourself so quickly. I am either violently angry or notangry at all, and it is the people who are good at sulks and call themdignity who get their own way in this world. I once tried to bedignified at home, and I am not inclined to repeat the experiment; myfather told me not to be a fool, my sister walked about as if wrestlingwith suppressed laughter, and my mother offered me various medicines. Rudeness is my _rôle_, its intention is not so easily mistaken. 

So I hung on to Dennison very earnestly, and though Ward did all heknew to keep the peace, I had managed before we reached the Parks, toconvince both of them that our walk was a mistake. 

We went to the far end of the ground where very few spectators werestanding, for an Oxford crowd always collect behind the goal of thevisiting side, hoping magnificently that by those means they will seemost of the game. It is very noble of them, but they are sometimesdisappointed, and this happened to be one of the days on which thosewho were behind the 'Varsity goal-posts saw a good deal more than theywanted. For the day was made for the Richmond XV. , who were big, bulkymen, very heavy in the scrimmage, and the three-quarter backs on bothsides spent most of their time trying to keep warm. Dennison said hewas bored to death, and I told him Richmond never were any good outsidethe scrum and were playing a jolly good game. He answered that he wasnot a Football Encyclopaedia, and I assured him that he never could beanything half so useful. We kept up this kind of conversation for sometime, while Ward stamped his feet and asked us to stop. 

"How long have you been gated for?" I asked Dennison suddenly, springing the question upon him as had been the habit of one master atCliborough when he was going to ask me something very embarrassing. Ward hit me in the ribs with his elbow, and Dennison pretended not tohear, so I moved a little further from Ward and repeated my question. "The Subby didn't send for me, " he replied; "I wasn't caught and I madeno row to speak of. "

"Oh well, if you like to get out of the whole thing it has nothing todo with me, " I said, and the thought suddenly struck me that if Ireally goaded Dennison into giving up his name I should feel a brutefor the rest of my existence. What I wanted to do was to prove thatWard was worth about ten of him, but it is very uphill work trying toconvince a man that he is only a fraction of the fellow he thinkshimself, I have often seen people going sorrowfully away from tasks ofthat kind. 

"There is no question of getting out of it, " Dennison said quitecalmly, "because I have never been in it. "

"No question at all, " Ward put in. 

"At any rate you arranged it, " I retorted. 

"And the very deuce of a job it was, " he replied. 

"Of course it was, " Ward said, and though I imagined I was out ofelbow-shot I got another blow which did nothing to improve my temper. 

"It's like this, " I began, "Ward went to the Subby and said----" ButWard burst in with, "By Jove, that is about the tenth time that manFoster has fallen on the ball, and now I believe he's hurt. "

For quite two minutes Fred lay on the ground, and I forgot all aboutDennison and the exasperating mood I was in. At last he got up andmoved about in a dazed condition, while some people clapped and others, more enthusiastic than anxious, began to shout, "Now then, 'Varsity. "The game went on again, but my desire to be nasty had vanished, and Ifound that I had moved away from Ward and Dennison. When I returned tothem I found that my interrupted remark had created a greaterdisturbance than I had expected. Dennison was fuming like anything, and so far was he from thinking that Ward and I had a grievance againsthim that he was treating himself as a thoroughly injured man. 

"It is a pretty low down game, " he was saying to Ward, when I cameback, "for you to go and give your name up to the Subby and tell menothing about it. What do you think everybody will be saying about me?Marten has been talking to me as if I was a pick-pocket, while you werestanding there and thinking yourself a sort of tin hero. If you wantto know what I think you are, my opinion is that you're a confoundedfool, but since you have done this I must go and see the Subby when Iget back to college. "

This is only an expurgated copy of what Dennison said, as a matter offact he called Ward and me much worse names than a pick-pocket, andqualified them with adjectives too violent to be recorded. 

I looked blankly at Ward, who had his head down and looked thoroughlyashamed of himself. 

"It is one of the few times in my life, " he said, "when I have tried todo the right thing, and it seems to have been all wrong. "

There was only one line to take, and I started on it at once. "That'srot, " I began, "because you suggested the whole thing, and if you feltlike owning up to it no one else has any right to swear at you. Dennison is altogether different, and if he goes to the Subby everybodyelse will have to go. We are like a lot of school-boys. "

I thought my last remark a sound one, for Dennison pretended to despiseboys, because he said they always got up so late for morning schoolthat they had not time to wash properly. There was always a faintsmell of scent about Dennison, which did not make me take much noticeof his opinion about school-boys. 

I cannot even now tell whether he was really angry or whether he wasjust pretending a rage to put us into a hole. I did find outafterwards that he knew all the time that Ward had given up his name, so if he pretended one thing I do not see why he should not havepretended another. But the result was the same whether he was shammingor not. Ward and I implored him not to go to the Subby, for quite tenminutes during that damp and shivery afternoon we besought him to leavethings as they were. And at last with great reluctance he gave way, and to please us he said that he would forgive Ward for having donerather a mean thing, and he pardoned me for having been so rude. Ofcourse we were most properly taken in, but that was the fate of mostmen who had much to do with Dennison, and I was so glad to be at peaceonce more that it did not occur to me then that Ward and I were twocolossal idiots. 

I went round to see Foster after the match, but found that he was goingto dine early with the Richmond team, so he did not tell me anythingexcept that he had got a splitting headache. Each time I had been tosee him for the last fortnight he had either been out, just going out, or had a room full of men with him. Whenever he had come to see me thesame kind of things had happened, so we had not managed to have onerespectable talk together. I determined that this was mostunsatisfactory, so after dinner I wrote him a note, asking him to gofor a walk with me on the following day, and then I went to see JackWard. My opinion of him had been changing all day, and as I went tohis room I felt that whatever Foster and Murray said about him, he wasat bottom a splendid sort. Roulette was going on in his rooms, and theusual crowd were playing. Ward was banker, and he did not even ask meto play, but roulette is a very difficult game to watch withoutplaying, and after black had come up six times consecutively, I thoughtit must be red's turn. It was not, however, and five times I lost mymoney; then I had sense enough to stop for a bit until the numbersbegan to fascinate me, and I picked nineteen, being my age. A lot ofpeople may say I was old enough to know better, but it is so easy tomake remarks of that kind, and until they find something a little lessstale, they will never do any good. I stood by the table at first, andthen sat down and made up my mind to get my money back. I triedeverything in turn, but luck was dead against me, and Ward once ortwice said he wished I would win something. In the end I lost nearlysix pounds, and went back to my rooms a sorrowful man. Before I wentinto my bedder I looked at my cheque-book, and it gave me nosatisfaction. I had borrowed four pounds from Ward, and I wrote him acheque for the amount, and laying it on the table beside me, I satthinking. My door was wide open, and I must have been nearly asleep, for I did not see any one come into my room, and a hand falling on myshoulder surprised me. I looked up and saw Ward standing by my side. 

"Sorry to wake you up, " he said, "but I felt like coming to see you. "He saw the cheque made out to him, and taking it from the table he toreit into bits. 

"You have wasted a penny, " I said, for I could not help guessing whathe meant. 

"I don't want to take your money, " he replied, "and for heaven's sakedon't make me. "

He was most desperately in earnest, but the mere fact that I shouldhave taken his without a thought of returning it, settled the littleargument which followed. 

"I can't help gambling, " he said, "but I wish to goodness you wouldn't. "

"But only a few days ago you sneered at me for not backing a horse, " Iretorted, for though it was very good of him, I felt he was treating melike an infant. 

"I never asked you to, " he said, "and I should like to have one friendwho doesn't bet or play cards or anything. "

"There's Collier, " I suggested. 

"He is different, " Ward answered, and I suppose I wanted him to saysomething like that. 

We talked for an hour, at least Ward talked and I listened, but duringthe years to come I always remembered what he said about himself onthat night. 

CHAPTER VII

THE INN AT SAMPFORD

I do not suppose that my waking thoughts could be called valuable, formy habit is to lie in bed and wonder vaguely what time it is, and ifyou start the day in that way and write it solemnly on paper you mayjust as well keep a diary of what you had for luncheon and where youhad tea and all that kind of twaddle, which people write becauseblotting paper is provided on the opposite page. But on the morningfollowing my conversation with Ward I woke up with the sort of feelingwhich ought to have been of value to some one, because it was such amixture that I could not stay in bed. It was the kind of sensationwith which I wake when I am going to cross the Channel, only it did notmake me rush to my window to see how much wind there was. Nothing Ihave been told is easier in this life than to make a mountain out of amolehill, but in my short experience it is the wretched littlemolehills which upset me and not the great big things which sweep meaway with them. I would rather have to fight one mountain than twomolehills any day, you get so much more sympathy after the struggle. But I must admit that it is not always easy to tell when people willsympathize with you, for I remember that my brother was once in arailway accident, and though he got nothing more than a slight jolt hewas considered a hero for a long time, while, a few days later, I satupon a pin and hurt myself quite badly, but was told by my nurse not tobe silly. 

During that morning I had a most disagreeable experience. For thefirst time in my life I was conscious that I had done something forwhich there was not the least shadow of an excuse, and I found myselftrying to guess what my feelings would have been had I been a winnerinstead of a loser at roulette. There is nothing very profitable intrying to imagine what would have happened if things had turned outdifferently, at the best it is a waste of time, but all the same it isa game which I, and others I know, play very often. I came to theconclusion that had I won I should have been rather pleased withmyself, it is so easy to excuse oneself for winning money, while losingit seems to be foolishly immoral. I made no resolutions for thefuture, because on the few occasions I have tried to fortify myself inthat way, something has occurred to upset me, and Mr. Sandyman, who wasmy housemaster at Cliborough and very wise, told me once that theweaker the man the more frequent his resolutions. He did not believeso much in pledges and promises as in a boy's honour; if a boy had nota sense of honour no promise on earth could be of any real use to him. 

I wished that I had Mr. Sandyman to advise me, but if I had been ableto go to him I do not suppose I should have gone, for although I wasashamed of myself, I did not think that I had committed any greatoffence. I had just been a fool, and with that decision from which, odd as it may seem, I derived great satisfaction, I passed on to thenext thing which was bothering me. 

I think it was Solomon who said there was safety in a multitude ofcounsellors, and I wonder what he would have said about a multitude offriends, some of whom could not bear the sight of the others. Ward, hated Murray, and Foster hated Ward, Collier said he hated Dennison, and Dennison said Collier looked more like a pig than a human being. Lambert confided to me that there was hardly a man at St. Cuthbert'swhom he would care to introduce to his sister, but as he said the samething to Ward, Dennison and Collier, leaving each of them with theimpression that he was the one man who was considered worthy of anintroduction, it was no use to take any notice of Lambert. I condoledwith him on having such a remarkably exclusive sister, but he did nottake my sympathy in the proper spirit. 

My friends were most certainly getting out of hand. In St. Cuthbert's, Murray was the most sensible of the lot, because he enjoyed himself ina steady sort of way, saw the humorous side of everything and went tobed in decent time. I knew just where I was with Murray, he was alwaysglad to see me in his rooms, and he kept his opinions about Ward andDennison to himself, unless I simply pumped them out of him. No onewho did not object to fat men because they were fat could help likingCollier, he was so comfortable and peaceful, and Lambert, with hismagnificent opinion of himself, which he expressed frequently in ahalf-comical, half-serious fashion, was to me more like a man on thestage than an ordinary undergraduate. From morning to night Lambertwas self-conscious, even at the wine, when he was sitting on the floorwith Webb, he did not forget to shoot down his cuffs. I have alreadysaid that Dennison played the piano, he was also considered a wit, andfired off things which Lambert said were epigrams, but Collier, who wasfull of curious information, declared that most of them were adaptedfrom the Book of Proverbs. However that may be, Dennison had areputation as a conversationalist, which meant that he wanted to talkall the time. He bored me terribly. 

But the man who really worried me was Ward. At first I had thoughtthat he merely wanted to amuse himself, and did not care what he did aslong as he got some fun out of it. He did not seem to trouble what menhe knew if they were useful to him, and having come to that conclusionabout him, I felt that as far as he and I were concerned there wasnothing else to bother about. It was not any wonder to me that Foster, who only knew him slightly, disliked him most vigorously, but when Wardcame, asking me to take my money back and showing all the best side ofhis nature, he gave me more to think about than I wanted. An entirelydifferent man had appeared, acknowledging himself a gambler, and notpretending to be sorry--for which I liked him--but with qualities whichI had never suspected. 

So occupied was I in wondering how I could persuade Foster to changehis opinion of Ward that I forgot the day was Sunday, and that I hadintended to go to morning chapel and write some letters at the Union. It was nearly twelve o'clock when Foster came into my rooms and said hehad been waiting for me at Oriel until he was tired of doing nothing. He seemed to be rather angry, but soon cooled down when he saw mehurrying up to get ready, and even proposed that we should give up ourwalk and just lounge round the Parks. But I did not feel as iflounging would do for me, and I told him that I knew a splendid littleinn about six miles off, where we could get luncheon. He did not needmuch persuasion, and we went down Brasenose lane and the High as if wehad never lounged in our lives. But before we got to the turning toIffley we had begun to walk at a speed which did not altogether preventconversation. 

I think I must have been setting the pace, because I had a great dealto say to Fred, and did not know exactly how to begin. He was thegreatest friend I had, and I wanted him to like Ward, but I knew thatwhen once he had made up his mind about people he very seldom changedit. He had liked nearly everybody at Cliborough, but when he dislikedanybody there was something rather huge in the way he had nothing to dowith them. And he had a habit, which would have annoyed me in any oneelse, of being nearly always right. It was such a complete change forhim to come from Cliborough, where he was easily the most important boyin the school, to Oxford, where he was practically nobody at all, thatI wondered how he would like it. So many freshers who have beenimportant at school think they can bring their importance with them, but they make the very greatest mistake. A fresher who thinks a lot ofhimself, and lets other men know that he does, is not likely to doanything but get in his own way. Foster never had put on any side, buthe had been accustomed to manage things at Cliborough, and I asked himhow he liked being nobody again, as he had been when he first went toschool. 

He did not answer me at once, and I had a suspicion that he did notcare about the change, but I was wrong. 

"I like it, " he said at last; "there is no bother and fuss, and I likebeginning again and being sworn at when I miss the ball. I want to getmy blue most awfully, but I don't suppose I have got the ghost of achance; I never pass at the right time, and everybody here seems to meto be always off-side. "

I assured him that he must have a chance for his blue or he would nothave played so often. 

"They look more and more sick with me every time, " he answered, "andeach match I play in I expect to be the last. The only thing whichriles me is that you never know what they think about you, and thefellow who writes the Oxford notes for _The Globe_ said last week thatthe 'Varsity XV. Must be badly off if they could not find a betterthree-quarter than the Cliborough fresher, or some rot of that kind. All the men at Oriel who know about things are either cricket or soccerblues, so I don't hear much about rugger there, though every one isnice enough and wants me to get into the XV. "

"Doesn't Adamson ever speak to you?" I asked, for he was captain of the'Varsity XV. 

"Yes, but it is generally to tell me not to do something. He is an'internatter, ' you see, and I don't think he ever forgets it, he seemsto me to stick on more side than any one I have ever met. Most of themen are all right, but Adamson is a first-class bounder. "

"He swore at me pretty freely in the Freshers' match, " I said. 

"I heard him, " Foster returned, "but although you played abominablythen, you are really much better than Sykes of Merton, who has beenplaying back for the 'Varsity lately. He does the most awful things. "

"He can't be worse than I am. I now play three-quarters and amthinking of chucking the game altogether. It is such a horrid grind. "

"Don't be an idiot, they are bound to spot you here sooner or later, "Foster said, but he knew as well as I did that I could never stopplaying any game just because it was too much trouble. 

"I have made an idiot of myself, already, " I replied; and then I toldhim all that had been happening at St. Cuthbert's during the last fewdays. I made out myself a bigger fool than I really had been, becauseI wanted to show him that Ward was a much better fellow than he thought. 

"You have a real gift for getting into rows, " he said, when I hadfinished; "you seem to have got all the dons on your track already. "

"That doesn't worry me, " I answered. "I have only got to work and keepquiet, and the Subby will think I am as like a machine as he is. "

"And you have made up your mind to work?"

"I mean to do a reasonable amount, " I replied cautiously. 

"It is most awfully difficult to work. I have done precious little, and I went fast asleep at a lecture the other morning. "

"What was it about?"

"Logic. "

"Oh, that's nothing, " I assured him. "I started cutting my logiclectures altogether until I got dropped on. I didn't understand a wordthe man was saying. There is heaps of time to work, Mods are nearly ayear and a half off. What do you think of Ward, after the thing thathappened last night?"

I had to plunge right at it, for Foster had not said a word after I hadtold him Ward wanted to give me back my money. 

"Don't let us talk about Ward, " Foster answered, "you know I don't likehim. "

"I knew you didn't like him, " I corrected, for I thought that what Ihad said ought to make a difference. 

"You seem to be egging me on to swear at you, so that you may laugh. "

"Oh, skittles, " I exclaimed. 

"You know perfectly well that you can't afford to gamble. "

"That has nothing to do with it, because I am not going to gamble, JackWard himself asked me not to play roulette. "

"But Ward belongs to a gambling set----"

"I suppose he can please himself about that, " I retorted, and it wasnot altogether wise of me. 

"And you will always be hearing racing 'shop, ' and how much somebodywon, nobody ever talks about their losses until they are stone-broke. "

"How do you know?" I asked. 

"Your father told me, " was the answer, and instead of having got himinto a hole I was badly scored off. 

"Everybody has something nasty in him somewhere, Balzac said so, and hewas the sort of chap who knew; if we were all perfect this wouldn't beearth, " I said. 

"By Jove, you have been thinking a lot, " Foster replied, and he stoodstill in the road and laughed until I was very annoyed, for I haveheard other people make remarks of that kind without any one elsesmiling. 

"It is no use talking seriously to you, " I said. 

"Platitudes are not your line, " he answered, and we were as far offsettling about Ward as ever. I returned, however, to the main questionwith energy, for it seemed to me to be most important that these twomen should not hate each other, if they were to be my friends. Thegods did not endow me with tact, but they gave me so much courage thatin a short time I can make any situation either very much better orvery much worse. My mother once took in a paper which contained a TactProblem every week, and she asked my sister and me to write downsolutions and see if they were right; mine were wrong five timesconsecutively, so I gave up that competition, though in a negative sortof way I should have been of assistance to any competitor. I rememberone of these wonderful problems was, 'At an evening party A tells Bthat C looks like a criminal. Shortly afterwards A finds out that C isB's husband, what ought A to do?' I said A ought to go and tell B thathe liked criminals; but the answer was, 'A should do nothing. ' I thinkit was that problem which persuaded me that I was wasting my time, Ithought it too stupid for words. 

I explained to Foster how difficult it would be for me if he would notchange his opinion of Ward, and I talked so much that he said I hadpersuaded him that Ward was all right, but I had a kind of feeling thathe said it for the sake of peace. The day was very warm for November, and at the end of six miles Foster was not so inclined to resist myavalanche of words as he was when we left Oxford. But I knew thathaving once said he would try to be friends with Ward, I could relyupon him. What he could not understand was the reason why I was soanxious for him to try, why in short I liked Ward, but I could notexplain that; for if you once start explaining why you are friends witha man it seems to me to be half-way towards making excuses foryourself, and should you begin doing that you had better not have anyfriends, since those who know you the best will like you the least. Ihave a faculty for liking a large number of people, but if I had togive reasons why I liked most of them I should be terribly puzzled. You cannot, it seems to me, reduce friendship to a formula, or if youcan you would knock all the fun out of it. 

This was my second visit to the little inn at Sampford, and as soon aswe got there I interviewed the landlord and engaged the sitting-room onthe ground floor. Foster threw himself upon the sofa and picked up thebook in which visitors write their names and exercise their humour, butI was so hot that I opened the French windows which led into the gardenand went out. Only a fortnight before the garden had been full enoughof flowers to satisfy me, but the wind and rain had beaten downeverything, and in spite of the sun it looked bare and desolate. Iwalked across the lawn to a little arbour and surprised two belatedbeanfeasters and their ladies. In appearance the men were aggressive, their hats were on the backs of their heads, and enormouschrysanthemums bulged from their buttonholes, and must, I should think, have been a source of constant irritation to their chins. The girlsgiggled when they saw me, and one of the men asked me what I wanted. Itold him I was looking for a comfortable place in which to sit down andthat he seemed to have found it first. The girls giggled again and themen swore; it was a most commonplace scene. I went back across thelawn and was just going to join Foster, when I heard a tremendous burstof laughter from the room above ours. There was only one man who couldlaugh like that and he was Jack Ward. At that moment I wished himanywhere, for I guessed quite rightly that he had driven over toSampford with some men whose luncheon would not consist of cold beefand beer. 

I hoped to goodness we should get away without Foster seeing them, so Ibegan to eat without saying anything, except that there was a most vilenoise up-stairs. I need not have troubled to say so much since Fosterwas not deaf. I ate my luncheon hurriedly and gulped down my beer sofast that something went wrong with my wind-pipe. To the accompanimentof my coughs and peals of laughter from the room above, Fred sat eatingwith a comical expression of misery upon his face. 

"Rowdy brutes, " he said, and pointed to the ceiling. 

I tried to answer, but failed. 

"I should think they will get kicked out in a minute, " he continued. "Aren't you going to have any pickles?"

"The room's so horribly stuffy, " I managed to say; "I vote we go whenyou are ready. "

"We've only just come. I haven't nearly done yet, and I am going tohave a smoke when I've finished. "

I resigned myself to the situation and seized the pickles; there wasonly one left and that was an onion. The noise increased and a hugepiece of bread fell on the lawn in front of our window. 

"Bloods always throw bread at each other, don't they?" he asked. 

"I don't suppose they are any worse than anybody else, " I answered;"there is not much harm in a bread pellet. "

"That thing out there is half a loaf, " he returned, "and at any ratethey make a fairly bad row, " which were statements I could not deny. 

We heard a man go heavily up-stairs and knock at the door. He wasreceived with clamorous approval, but after a little conversation thenoise ceased and there was a most refreshing calm. I had hopes thatnothing more was going to happen, so I sat down by the fire and lit acigarette. For ten minutes Fred and I were not interrupted, but I hadalready recognized the voices of Bunny Langham and Dennison, and Imight have guessed that there was not likely to be much peace. Ourwindows were wide open, and presently I began to hear a kind of chokedlaughter going on at the window above. What was happening I did notknow, but I suspected that some fresh game had begun and I wanted verymuch to know what it was. I did not, however, wish them to see me norwas I anxious for Fred to see them, so I suggested that we should startback to Oxford. Fred agreed to this, and getting up from his chair hewalked out into the garden. No sooner was he on the lawn than I sawhim jump like a hare and put his hand up to his neck. At the samemoment the beanfeasters rushed out of their arbour and fairly went forhim. While this happened I was standing at the window wondering how Icould persuade him to come back into the room, but as soon as I sawthese two aggressive-looking men, not to mention their ladies, talkingto him in most bellicose language, I went out. One of them at oncecaught hold of me by the coat and spoke so fast and strangely that Idid not altogether understand what he was saying. He mentioned thename of Susan a great many times, and when he had finished tugging atmy coat I asked him if there was anything the matter with the lady. 

"Look at 'er, " he said; "just look at 'er. I'm a respectable marriedman, married, last Thursday as ever was, and I'll 'ave compensation forthis as sure as my name's Tom 'Arrison. "

I did not want to hear any more of his autobiography, so I looked atthe lady pointed out as Susan. I couldn't see much of her face becauseshe had her hand over it, but I did not think they were an ill-assortedcouple. 

"Has she been stung by a wasp?" I asked. "A blue-bag----"

"Look 'ere, " the man interrupted and caught me again by the coat, "noneof your bloomin' innocence. You spied us out in that 'ere arbour, and'ave been peppering us with peas for the last ever so long, and one ofyou 'as 'it Susan sock in the eye. Enough to make 'er an object for afortnight, and us newly married. Where, I should like to know, do Icome in?" and I had great difficulty in wriggling his hand away from mycoat. The man made me angry, and I told him I hadn't the least notionwhere he came in, but if he thought we were big enough babies to usepeashooters he was jolly well mistaken. I looked round at Foster andfound that he was being talked at by the remaining couple, who alsolooked as if they were newly married. I heard the word Bella, and sawthe lady so called endeavouring to draw Foster's attention to a mark onher arm. Susan stood in the middle of the lawn and wept; I felt quitesorry for her, but the other three were really an intolerable nuisance. Tom Harrison declared it was worth two pounds any day, that Susan'sbeauty was spoilt, and that everybody would say they had been fightingalready. I smiled when he said "already, " and for a moment I thoughthe was going to hit me. He thought better of it, however, and Iconcluded that if he had intended to fight he would have begun then, soI turned my back upon him and looked at the window up-stairs. Therewas not a sound coming from the room, and as I turned again to attendto Harrison I heard hoots of laughter, and a dog-cart passed along theroad which skirted the garden. As it went by I saw Jack Ward stand upon the back of the cart and look over the hedge. When he saw what washappening he leant forward to speak to Bunny Langham, who was driving, and as they passed out of sight I thought that he was trying to gethold of the reins. 

The men went on talking; Susan wept steadily, and Bella said her armwas visibly swelling, and that she must have been hit by something farmore dangerous than a pea. They were not by any means interesting andI was glad to see the landlord coming from the house to join us. Hecreated the diversion of which we were badly in need, and Tom Harrisonbecame more eloquent than ever. But the landlord, as soon as he couldmake himself heard, was most thoroughly on the side of peace; heflourished his arms and declared, until I was weary, that a mistake hadbeen made. "These are not the gentlemen who shot at you. Do they looklike gentlemen who would use pea-shooters?" I did not know what a manought to look like who would not use a peashooter, but I did my best. 

"These are two nice quiet gentlemen, " he went on; "took their foodquite quiet. "

"And haven't paid for it yet, " I interrupted; "how much is it?"

"That will be a matter of half-a-crown each, " he said, and I paid him. 

In the meantime Bella, who ought to have been watched, had walked intoour sitting-room and found the visitors' book. She returnedtriumphantly. "I know one of their names, and that will be a deal moreuse than standing jawing here, " she shouted. 

I looked at Foster inquiringly. "I bought a blessed fountain penyesterday and wanted to see if the thing would work, " he explained; "itseems to have worked too well. "

"'F. L. Foster, Oriel College, Oxford, ' in writing as easy to read asthe newspaper. Which of you two is it that writes just like me?"

Foster solemnly took off his hat. 

"Then you, I guess, will 'ear more of this, " Tom Harrison declared;"for the tale that it ain't you is a little too 'ot for us, isn't it?"

Susan stopped wiping her eyes and joined in a chorus of assent. 

"I don't know what you expect to get, " Foster said. 

"You needn't bother about that. We know, " Tom Harrison replied. 

After a little more conversation we started on our way back to Oxford, and as we left the garden I heard Tom Harrison say, "Two beers and twobottles of stout as quick as we can 'ave em; my throat's like alimekiln. " And considering the amount he had said at the top of hisvoice, I should think it was very likely true. 

CHAPTER VIII

LUNCHEON WITH THE WARDEN

Our walk was certainly not a success, in fact I was very sick of itbefore we reached Oxford, because I am no good at walking and cannotstride along at a steady pace. And it also involved me in what, ifreal diplomatists will pardon me, I will call diplomacy, in which artor craft, or whatever the right name of it may be, I am most unskilled. I was on the point of telling Fred that I knew the party of peashooterswhen he, being in a much happier state of mind than he had been in themorning, began to talk about Jack Ward, and to say that I was verylikely right about him, and that he was sure to be a nice kind of manwhen one got to know him. Hearing this made me put off what I wasgoing to say, and when I begin to postpone anything I am lost. Secondthoughts with me nearly always lead to trouble, however good they maybe for other people. I think I must have taken a fatherly interest inWard, for what else it could have been which made me wish to shield himI do not know. But I had seen him stand up in the dog-cart, and Ithought he had recognized me and had tried to make Langham turn back, so I determined not to tell Fred anything until I had found out whatreally happened. But I felt very uncomfortable, for I do hate keepingthings dark, and when he went on to say that the pea-shooting peoplemust have been unutterable bounders to go away and leave us in thelurch, I was again on the point of telling him that Ward was one ofthem, only he suddenly began to sing, which gave me time to think, andfrightened two children who came round a corner of the road. We werequite close to Broadmoor lunatic asylum at that moment, and Fredwalking along with his hat in his hand might easily have been mistakenfor some one else. His mood had become most cheerful, and he said thathe did not suppose Tom Harrison would ever be heard of again, and thatthe whole thing had been rather fun; but he added that he should liketo tell the men who had been in the room above us what he thought ofthem. He also told me that he had never known me so quiet, and when Icontinued to be silent he asked me if I was well, which annoyed me, forI am often asked that question when I do not happen to be talking, andin a lurking sort of way there seems to me to be something insultingabout it. I answered that I was thinking, which was quite true, but heonly laughed and said I must have changed a lot lately. I was quitetired of him before we separated in the High, and he was angry becauseI would not go to Oriel and have tea, but I felt that the day so farhad been a hopeless failure, and I wanted to see Jack Ward. 

When I got back to my rooms at St. Cuthbert's my fire was nearly outand I saw two notes lying on the table, but could not find any matchesto light my lamp. I felt more gloomy than ever, and I was alreadyfeeling as if I had treated Fred most unfairly. I might say that myend was all right, or I might declare that I meant well, which isanother way of saying that I was a fool, and of the two I think thelatter is the more correct. 

Murray had borrowed my matches and I spoke severely to him withoutproducing any effect except amusement; whether I was thinking or angrythe result seemed to be always the same--laughter, silly, idioticchuckles. I was in a very fair rage before I got my lamp to light, andI upset a large box of matches on the floor. Murray came and helped topick them up, and he bumped my nose with his head. I felt sure that itwas his fault and told him so, and he said I could jolly well pick upmy own matches; so I apologized, for though my nose hurt there were alot of matches still on the floor, and it was no use making my nose outworse than it was to spite my face. 

After that I read my notes, and they were not the usual invitations tobreakfast, of which I had already received enough. The first was toask me to play for the twenty against the Rugger XV. In the Parks onthe following Tuesday, and the second was from Miss Davenport to ask meto luncheon with the Warden on the same day. These notes were more orless commands, but I neither felt very keen on playing for the XX. Noron lunching with the Warden. 

"I shall be glad when Tuesday is over, " I said to Murray; "I have tolunch with the Warden. "

"I lunched there last Tuesday, " he returned. 

"What was it like?"

"Like no meal I have ever been at before. Miss Davenport talked allthe time and the Warden said precious little, but I was too afraid tolisten to her for fear he might ask me something and I should not catchwhat he said. Apart from saying 'yes' and 'no' and 'please' and 'thankyou, ' he only spoke once, and then it was the most extraordinarily longsentence I have ever heard. It began about pork, which Miss Davenportsaid was more wholesome than people imagined, it went on about theJews, and finished up with a tale about Nero. He chuckled over histale, but I didn't see much point in it, and Miss Davenport looked asif she had heard it before. "

"I know that tale, it's a chestnut; I can't remember it, but Nerobehaved like a beast to a lot of Jews who came to see him in Rome. TheWarden oughtn't to tell old tales and then chuckle over them; besides, Nero was a brute. "

"I don't think that would make any difference to the Warden. Heterrifies me; I daren't say anything because I am sure he wouldremember that it was a stupid thing to say. I felt as if I was aconvict, and that if I spoke I should give myself away. I can tell youit was something awful, and for all I know he may have expected me tosay something. "

"Probably not, " I replied; "I should think he hears far too many peoplejawing. I hope he makes me feel like a convict, and then I shallbehave myself all right, but a silence at a meal gives me fits. "

"Miss Davenport is never silent, " Murray asserted. "If she can talkabout pork, you may guess she has plenty to say. The Warden looks ather in a forgiving sort of way--as if he knows she is talking rot, butcan't help herself. "

"They must be a funny pair. You don't think I shall laugh, do you?" Iasked. 

"I didn't feel like laughing. I never thought of it in that way, butit couldn't strike you as being funny while you are there. "

"I don't know, " I said; "I think I had better be ill on Tuesday. " Butthen I remembered I had got to play footer, and I chucked the card overto Murray. 

"I've got to play in this thing, too. The Warden kicks you out abouttwo, so it will be all right. You simply must go. Where have you beento this afternoon?"

"I walked to Sampford with Foster, and we had a row there with two men, not much of a row. I must go and see Ward. " I jumped up, but thechapel bell began to ring, and I had to postpone seeing him. 

"I am all behind with my chapels and roll-calls, " I said to Murray;"this will be my twenty-first, and five weeks of the term have gone. "

"I kept six chapels last week, " Murray answered; "you will have to gohard to keep nineteen in three weeks. "

"I mean doing it and getting up very early in the morning. I am goingto reform, " and I left him at the chapel door, for he, being a scholar, sat in the seats behind all of us who were commoners or exhibitioners. 

After chapel, at which the Regius Professor of Divinity preached andtold us that Sunday luncheon parties were very wrong, I seized Ward andbore him off to his rooms, where we found Dennison sitting by the firewith his legs stuck up on the mantelpiece. I wanted to see Ward alone, but Dennison had been at Sampford, so he did not matter much, thoughWard with Dennison never seemed to be quite the same as he was withouthim. 

Dennison twisted round in his chair, and as soon as he saw me he beganto talk. "You ought to have been with us this afternoon, " he said, "wehad a most lovely rag. Bunny Langham took us over to Sampford in hiscart, and I had a peashooter. "

The loveliness of the rag was too much for him, and he had to stop hisaccount of it so that he might laugh. I looked at Ward, and althoughhe did not appear to be very amused, he showed no signs of knowing thatFoster and I had been at Sampford. 

"After lunch, " Dennison went on, "I discovered some people in anarbour, the bill and coo business, and I fairly peppered them; I am noend of a shot with a peashooter. "

"You missed them about a dozen times, " Ward put in. 

"Those were sighting shots, you must get your range, and they wereabout as far off as my shooter will carry; but I got them out of theplace at last, and another fellow, Oxford written all over him, walkedbang into them. I gave him one on the neck and then we bolted. It wasa pity we couldn't stop and see what happened. "

"We ought to have stopped, " Ward declared and disappeared into hisbedroom. 

"I can tell you what happened, " I said, and I lifted Dennison's legsoff the mantelpiece and stood between him and the fire. I had beenangry before Dennison described Foster as having Oxford written allover him, but the cheek of labelling Fred as if he was some tailor'sdummy made me furious. 

Dennison looked at me and then shouted for Ward. "Marten can tell uswhat happened after we went, come and hear it. "

"Wait a second. I am going to dine with Bunny at the Sceptre and amchanging. "

In a minute he appeared and went on dressing. 

"I think you are the meanest lot of brutes unhung, " I began, for I hadbeen given time to think of something which would make Dennison see atonce that this joke was not such a good one after all. "Foster ofOriel was one of the men you bolted from, and I was the other, and thething isn't ended yet, for they got Foster's name. You hit one womanin the eye; do you think that very funny?"

"Sheer bad luck, " Dennison said, but he did not look quite as unruffledand smug as usual. 

Ward stood with his tie in his hand and did not say a word. I knewalready that he had wanted to go back when he saw that there was a row, and since he had neither recognized Foster nor me my wrath wasconcentrated upon Dennison. 

"You may call it what you like, " I continued, "but if you get up a rowand then haven't the pluck to see it out I call it a dirty thing to do. "

I thought that must be enough to rouse Dennison, but he actually smiledat me and told me to go on. 

"What do you think?" I asked Ward. 

"Of course I did not recognize you and Foster, but when I saw thosepeople had buttoned on to the wrong man I said we ought to go back. Iwish that we had gone back, " he answered. 

"What did they do?" Dennison inquired. 

"They found out Foster's name, and one of them, an awful man called TomHarrison, says he is going to get compensation from him because you hitSusan in the eye with a pea and hadn't the decency to stay there andown up to it. There's the dinner bell, and I'm about sick of youfellows. "

"I hit Susan in the eye, " Dennison said reflectively. "Was Susan TomHarrison's inamorata?" he asked. 

"Talk English and I may answer you. It doesn't matter a row of pinswho Susan was as long as she has a black eye, " I replied. 

"It is evidently no good speaking to you until you have calmed down. You remind me of a damp squib, all fuss and no result. I am going todinner, " Dennison said, and went out of the room without looking ateither Ward or myself. 

"I shall do something awful to that brute before I have finished withhim. He makes me mad, " I said, and Ward walked across the room to me. 

"I am most horribly sorry about this, " he began, "and I will come backstraight from the Sceptre and see you. Be in at nine o'clock. "

"You didn't shoot at those people, did you?" I asked. 

"No; but well, you see, Dennison is better than I am at getting in fora row, and I am better at getting out of it. "

"He's a low-down hound, " I asserted, and after promising to be in atnine o'clock I seized my gown and went away. As I went into the hall Imet Collier, and during dinner I expressed my opinion of Dennison veryfreely. There are times at Oxford when you regret most tremendouslythat you have left school, and this was one of them. 

"A fellow like that would be kicked at any decent school, " I said. 

"He was kicked at Charbury until he managed to become a sort of blood. He played racquets very well, " Collier added, as if by way of an excuse. 

"Why do we put up with him?" I asked viciously, for I could see himmaking Lambert and Webb shout with laughter at the table opposite me. 

"I don't know, " Collier answered, "I suppose it's his smile. What partof a fowl do you think this is? it looks to me like the neck. " Heturned it over several times and then called a servant. "Please takethis back, and say I have to be very careful what I eat. I keep alist, and this isn't on it. I never saw that joint before, " he addedto me, and lost all interest in Dennison. I thought it a pity thatCollier took so much trouble over what he ate; the sight of thatunusual joint made him quite silent and inattentive during the rest ofthe meal. 

I went to his rooms after dinner, as I felt sleepy, and he never didanything on Sunday except sleep, eat, and go to chapel. His room wasfull of tinted literature, but I never saw him read it, and I believehe bought _The Sporting Times_ on Saturdays so that he could give it toany man who attacked him with conversation on his day of rest. Histable was covered by a most miscellaneous dessert, and I asked him ifhe expected a lot of men. 

"Not a soul, " he replied, and sank into a chair by the fire. "I havethis every Sunday night, because my people pay my common-room bill, andI have to pay everything else out of my allowance. They told me to domyself well, but after this term I expect they will see that this oddsort of arrangement won't work. I can feed a regiment on almonds andraisins without it costing me a sou. Help yourself to coffee, stickthe dish of anchovy toast down between us, and if you want to readthere are three Sunday papers and a crowd of old magazines. "

I sat by the fire and read four short stories to pass the time. Dennison poked his head into the room and withdrew it when he saw me. I congratulated myself upon that little incident, for I felt that if heunderstood how I hated the sight of him something would have beengained. At nine o'clock I left Collier and went to my rooms to waitfor Ward. I did not expect him to be punctual, because I guessed thata dinner given by Bunny Langham would be difficult to leave. He turnedup, however, in about half-an-hour, and said he was jolly glad to getaway from the Sceptre. "Bunny's all right, " he said, "but some of hisfriends are too much--even for me. "

I replied that Bunny was all wrong, and said why I thought so. 

"You don't know him, " Ward explained; "he would never leave any one ina hole if he thought for a second. He's the most good-natured, weakkind of man on earth, but he would never do the wrong thing. He goesstraight over a precious difficult country, for he hasn't got any morewill than a rabbit and is as blind as a bat. He will be in trouble tothe end of his days, but he will never make any one ashamed of him. "

I thought this was rather a glorified conception of the Bunny I knew, so I said nothing. 

"You must see that he is a good sort, " Ward said. 

"Everybody's a good sort, " I answered impatiently. "Collier calls thefellow with the green-baize apron who collects the boots a good sort, and some man I met at home, who talked about emperors and kings as ifthey were all his cousins, declared that the Sultan of Morocco was thebest sort he had ever met--when one got to know him. "

"I don't wonder you are sick, " he returned. "I should be if any onehad done to me what we did to you and Foster this afternoon. It lookspretty rotten on the face of it, and I am as sorry as blazes that youhad to have a row with those men. "

"I'm not sick about the row, " I answered; "that would have been fun ifthey hadn't got Foster's name. "

Ward lay back in his chair, and tried to blow rings of smoke from hiscigarette. 

"Then you are just angry because you think we ought to have come back, "he said. 

"No, I'm not, " I replied, and I felt horribly uncomfortable. 

He looked most thoroughly puzzled. "What on earth do you mean?" heasked. 

I got up and walked about the room before I spoke. "It's this way, " Ibegan. "I wanted you and Foster to like each other, because he is thegreatest friend I have, and I like you. And when I had been sayingwhat a good fellow you were, you go and make a most infernal row in apub on Sunday afternoon and then bolt. I saw you in that confoundedcart, and I ought to have told Foster that I knew you were the fellowwho bolted. But I didn't. "

Ward sat staring in front of him, and did not speak for some time. "Idon't think I could ever be friends with Foster, " he said at last; "hehated me at sight; but it is deucedly good of you all the same. I willwrite him a note and tell him I was the man. I was going to do that, anyhow. "

"You weren't the man, " I asserted; "it was that little brute, Dennison. "

"He doesn't count, " Ward said. 

I was disposed to agree with him on that point, but I thought that heand I had better go round and see Foster in the morning, instead ofwriting a note. He did not like this at first, but after some talkinghe said that he would come, and on the next morning we went round toOriel. We made Foster look a most awful idiot, but that could not behelped. I know that if two men came to me simply bulging withapologies, I should look for the nearest window. 

Fred hardly said anything but "All right" and "For goodness' sake don'tsay a word more about it, " but it showed that Ward was not as bad as hethought him. I stayed behind after Ward had gone so that I might putthings a little more straight, but Fred would not listen to anotherword. "You were in a vile temper yesterday afternoon, and now I knowthe cause. That's enough, so shut up. You seem to have become a kindof guardian to Ward, " and then he stopped suddenly, for it struck himthat he had said one of those things which funny people say, and hewould never have done that on purpose. I assured him that I knew hehad said it accidentally, but it stopped us talking about Ward, because, when you hate puns, it is most discomforting to make onesuddenly. I made a pun once--I can still remember it, because if I hadperformed this feat intentionally I should have deserved all I got. What I did get was a dig in the ribs from Collier and the remark, "Youare a wag, " and then I had to repeat it to his three cousins, one ofwhom was deaf and none of whom understood it, though they all laughed. It was a Latin pun. 

I am one of those people, Oliver Cromwell was another, to whomimportant things happened on a certain day. Tuesday was my day, Iforget which his was, but it does not matter, because it is to be foundin histories and almanacs. My day is not a matter of interest toanybody, but all the same I was born on a Tuesday, and things which Ihave had special reason to remember or regret have generally happenedto me--so my mother says--on the same day. And it was on a Tuesdaythat I lunched with the Warden and began a curious sort of friendshipwith him. I suppose that I ought not to talk of a friendship between aman like the Warden, who was a mighty man of learning, and myself, butafter all he gave me one of his books, and wrote in it, "To my youngfriend and quondam companion. " "Quondam" was rather a pity, perhaps;it sounds pedantic, and the Warden was no pedant, unless he wanted tosnub people. 

I went to his luncheon, and, having neuralgia, said nothing until hetold me that he knew Mr. Prettyman, who was one of the masters atCliborough. If the Warden knew Prettyman I guessed that he had alsoheard something about me, and I thought I might as well stick up formyself as far as possible, so I said that Mr. Prettyman was the sort ofman who, when you had lost a thing, always asked you where you had putit. He had on one occasion actually done this to me, and annoyed mevery much. The Warden took no notice of my remark, and I was left tomy neuralgia until the end of the meal. The other men who were theretalked a lot; one of them said what he thought of Irving in _Hamlet_, and another criticized the paintings of Watts; the Warden kept hisopinions to himself, and at two o'clock asked us what we were going todo in the afternoon. All of us were bent on active employment, butjust as I was leaving the dining-room, he called me back and asked meif I would go for a walk with him at three o'clock on the followingThursday afternoon. I was too confused to remember what I said, and Ionly recollect that I left his house feeling as if something very awfulwas going to happen. I changed to play for the XX. Against the XV. Ina kind of daymare, if there is a state of mind which can be sodescribed, and I had a good deal to say to Murray, as we walked down tothe Parks together, about my luck. Murray laughed all the way from St. Cuthbert's to Keble; he kept on breaking out into small cackles, which, of all the bad ways of laughing, must be the worst. 

I started to play footer that afternoon without troubling to think howI should play. I could see myself marching slowly along the Woodstockroad with the Warden, and however badly I played did not seem to mattermuch, for there was something far more awful to come. The XV. Began topress at once, and I, as full-back, had plenty to do. What I did wasreckless; I simply did not care what happened, and everything I triedseemed to come off. Everybody who plays games has an occasional daywhen things get twisted round, and it is easier to do right than wrong. Those are the days for which we live in hope, and one of mine came onthat Tuesday. I knew the whole thing was a fluke, and I told Murrayand Foster so after the game, but they both said that I had given Sykesof Merton, who was playing back for the XV. , something to think about. 

During the next day, visions of my blue floated before me, and theprospect of walking with the Warden lost its terrors, until I wentround to see Fred on Thursday morning. I wanted him to give me somehints, but I am sorry so say he saw only the humorous side of myengagement, and was very exasperating when he might have been extremelyuseful. 

CHAPTER IX

A SURPRISE

When I left my rooms to walk with the Warden, I imagined that every oneI met was laughing at me, and being intensely on the alert for insults, I was very displeased with the butler when he came to the door, andsurveyed me. "What can you want with the Warden?" was written plainlyover his face. I have never met a man who could be more gravelycondescending than the Warden's butler, and I know several first-classcricketers, two headmasters, a popular novelist, and a risingpolitician aged twenty-four. I should have enjoyed telling that manwhat I thought of him, but a doorstep is a poor place for analtercation, unless it is with a cabman, and I saw the Warden advancingupon me clad in a cloak, and carrying a most useful umbrella, whichmust have been rolled up by himself. 

The appearance of the Warden might have surprised any one, but it couldhave impressed nobody. You had to know that he was a Warden, and wrotebooks about religion and philosophy, before you could feel afraid ofhim. If he was a precisian in the choice of words, he certainly wasnot one in the matter of dress. 

"I think, " he said, with just a glance at me to see if I was the rightman, "that we will enter the Parks by the gates opposite to KebleCollege; we shall be more or less interrupted by the noisy, ifnecessary, shouts of football players, but we shall escape theauthoritative note of the bicycle bell. "

There wasn't much that I could say in answer to this, so I walked downthe Broad in silence, and tried in vain to keep step with my companion. Before we had reached Wadham his shuffle had got upon my nerves, and Iwished furiously that he would say something to me. He seemed to havetucked his head into his neck, and to have retired into the world ofcontemplation. As we entered the Parks I was seized with a wild desireto run away. I had not uttered a word, and I had arrived at a state ofmind which prompted me to give a terrific yell, just to see what wouldhappen next. When I feel like that I must speak at least, so I saidthat it looked as if it might rain. It is not likely that I shouldhave made such a remark if I could have thought of any other, and ithad the merit of not being startling and also of being true. But if Ihad given the yell which I wished to give, I could not have produced agreater effect upon the Warden. I think that he had forgotten myexistence, and for a moment he could not remember why I was with him. He poked his head forward, and looked at me until I regretted my effortat conversation, and was dreadfully afraid I should have to repeat it;a remark about the weather in some way or other seems to lose all itssparkle when it is repeated. 

The Warden, however, had heard what I said, and when he had detachedhimself from whatever he was thinking about, he answered me. 

"I am not one of those who pretend to any extraordinary knowledge ofweather symptoms, " he began, and he stood in the middle of the path, while a gardener leant on his spade and watched us; "indeed, I haveoften noticed that those who make the greatest pretensions of that kindare themselves most frequently mistaken. In fact, my friend Dr. Marshall, who wrote the meteorological reports for _The Times_newspaper, was frequently himself in doubt whether or no to take out anumbrella for a walk. "

I did not venture to interrupt him again for some time, and my nextoutbreak was quite unpremeditated. We were passing a college ruggermatch, and a pass which was palpably forward escaped the notice of thereferee. I joined in the cry of "forward" which was raised, and theWarden stopped once more and actually smiled. On this occasion I hadforgotten all about him, and my shout probably surprised him as much asme. 

"I am sorry, " I said to him, "but I really couldn't help it. "

"There is no occasion to express or even to feel regret, " he answered, and his eyes twinkled delightfully; "if youth lost its spontaneity itwould at one and the same moment lose its charm. Did your cry refer tothis?" He pointed with his umbrella to a scrimmage which was takingplace a few yards away from us. 

"Some one threw the ball forward, which he is not allowed to do, " Iexplained, and a man was hurled into touch close to the spot where wewere standing. 

"The game of football which I believe bears the honoured name of Rugbyappeals, or it seems to me to appeal, to the more violent of theemotions. Do you play this game, which strikes the eye of theobservant, but not initiated, as the relic of an age in which bruteforce rather than science was the aim of the athlete?"

He walked on as he finished speaking, and I told him that I playedRugby football and liked it. "I like nearly every game, " I added. 

He glanced at me quickly, and after we had walked a little way he beganagain. 

"The excellent Lord Chesterfield in his _Letters_ stated that it wasvery disagreeable to seem reserved, and very dangerous not to be so;most of my young friends impress me with the fact that they havelearned that maxim too well. But you on the contrary----" He waved hisumbrella and did not finish the sentence. 

"There is no harm in liking games, " I answered; "if I did not takeheaps of exercise I should never be well, or able to read. "

"Heaps of exercise, " he repeated, and looked oddly at me. 

"I mean a fearful lot of exercise, " I explained. 

"You did not quote 'Mens sana in corpore sano, ' for which I have tothank you, even if your use of the English language affords reasonablegrounds for protest. Heaps of mud, heaps of rubbish, but not, I think, heaps of exercise. "

"Heaps of money, " I ventured to suggest, but he shook his head sadly. 

"We were talking of athletics, " he said, "which represent to me themost sweeping epidemic of the century. Do not let athletics spreadtheir deadly, if in one sense empurpling, pall over your Universitylife. Oxford has many gifts for those who are willing to receive them;do not, my friend, be content with the least which she can give. Themaxim of Mr. Browning, that the grasp of a man should exceed his reach, if not an ennobling maxim, must not be forgotten entirely. "

I walked by his side in silence, for I knew that the Warden did notoften give advice to an undergraduate. His language even seemed tohave become less carefully chosen, and I felt that he intended to benot only human but kind, for there was no special reason why he shouldtalk to me unless he wished. 

He did not speak again until we reached St. Cuthbert's, but when we hadreached the back quadrangle he stopped, and after poking the groundwith his umbrella, said--

"I would do nothing willingly to lessen your enthusiasm, you have, Ibelieve, been endowed liberally with that most exhilarating virtue; Iwould only suggest to you that your enthusiasm need not of necessity beexpended solely upon athletics. I hope that we shall be able to enjoyvery many walks together. "

I thrust out my hand, but he hesitated; I forgot that I had nearly madehim shout with pain a few weeks before, but he, as far as I know, neverforgot anything. He trusted me, however, and I treated him very gently. 

As soon as the Warden had disappeared into his house I heard a bellowof derisive laughter at a window above me, and looking up I sawDennison standing there; but at that moment I hated him even more thanI did usually, and I walked off to see Jack Ward without even sayingwhat I thought of him. 

Jack was having a bath when I got to his rooms, and while he wasdressing he told me how he had been spending the afternoon. I neverknew what he might do next--he flew off at tangents so often--but I wassurprised to hear how he had been employing himself. 

"Perhaps you will think me a fool, " he began, "but that Tom Harrisonaffair gave me the jumps, and I couldn't wait to see if Foster wasgoing to be tackled. So I rode over to Sampford, and the man said thatHarrison lived in a village a few miles off. I had lunch at Sampfordand then went on, and, to cut it short, the whole thing is settled. "

"You paid?"

"Not very much; and Tom said I was the first gentleman he had everknown come from Oxford--you must pay for a remark like that. Hedescribed us as 'bloomin' 'aughty, ' and 'not enough brass to buy amoke. ' Do you know that you are playing for the 'Varsity on Saturdayagainst Blackheath? I want to go up to town, so I shall come and seeyou play. "

I thought that he was trying to prevent me from thanking him, and I didnot really believe that I was going to play until he took his oath thatI was. Then we had tea, and I thanked him; for if there is one thingin the world of which I will not be baulked it is thanking people. Ihate doing it so much, that it has got to be done. Jack, however, didnot pretend to listen to what I said, and after I had finished wetalked about Dennison; both of us were sick to death of him, but whenyou are always meeting a man in other people's rooms, and he won't seethat you don't like him, it is not very easy to get rid of him; forwhen you are a fresher you can't choose your friends so easily as youcan when your first year is over. 

After dinner Fred came round to tell me that we were both playingagainst Blackheath, and as Jack came in as well, I said that I wouldget another man to play whist. I went to Murray, because I was mostanxious that he should be friends with Jack; but I did not tell himthat Jack was one of the four, or I am sure that he would not havecome. I liked both Murray and Jack, and I thought that when I got themtogether each would see what a nice man the other was, for I was againin the mood when everything seems to be easy. But I cannot say that myefforts were successful; their politeness knocked every spark ofcheeriness out of the game, and we played in dreadful silence, whichmay be all right for very good players, but it does not suit me in theleast. 

When Murray looked at his watch and said that he must be going, I feltquite relieved, and I decided then that I would stop trying to makeMurray and Jack like each other, for the process was too painful andslow for me. 

After he had gone I told Foster what Ward had been doing, and it wasreally quite funny to see how confused they were. Fred said how goodit was of Ward to have taken so much bother about nothing, which wasnot quite what he meant, but it did very well; and Ward mumbledsomething in reply, which neither of us could hear. Altogether theymanaged it most successfully, and when Fred went away Ward said that hewould see him to the lodge. I found out afterwards that he stopped megoing with Fred, so that he might tell him nothing would have happenedif he had not seen Tom Harrison; he was the kind of man who never triedto get more credit than he deserved, unless it was from Oxfordtradesmen. 

Playing against Blackheath on the Rectory field before a large crowd ofpeople was good fun, and at the end of the game I thought that I hadmanaged to escape without making a very pitiable exhibition of myself. But on the following Monday the sporting papers criticized me mostunpleasantly. "Marten was obviously nervous, and did not seem tosettle down until the game was lost. " "As full-back Marten had much tolearn; his tackling was good, but his kicking left much to be desired, and he seldom found touch. " I turned from _The Sportsman_ and_Sporting Life_ to _The Daily Telegraph_, and found that I had shown"more pluck than judgment. "

I felt that Sykes of Merton must be having an enjoyable morning, andeven the fact that the critics unanimously praised Foster was of littleassistance to me. My chance had come, and I had not taken it; therecould not have been a more miserable man in Oxford, and for a wholesolid week I never cut a lecture or did anything of which even Mr. Edwardes could disapprove. 

Sykes reappeared in the 'Varsity team, and Foster declared that thewhole thing was a swindle; but he was more prejudiced in my favour thanI was myself. The last match of the term at Oxford, and the oneprevious to the 'Varsity match, was against the Old Cliburians, and theO. C. S having had a disastrous season Adamson, who always played centrethree-quarters with Foster, did not play, but put a man from Queen's inhis place. This man, whose name was Pott, had been laid up all theterm, and two or three people said it was lucky for Foster that Potthad not been able to play before. I played back for the O. C. S, andthe game was enough to make any Cambridge man who saw it stand on hishead with delight. The 'Varsity could do nothing right; the passingbroke down time after time, and the forwards got impatient and kickedtoo hard. I thought Foster was the one man on the side who playeddecently, but five minutes before the end, when we were leading by agoal to nothing, Pott made a very good run and got a try in the corner. It seemed to me that this was the only thing he did during the wholegame, and it was my fault that he got the try, for I went for him asecond too late and he fell over the line, but the place-kick wentcrooked, and we won by a goal to a try. 

Adamson, who was touch-judging, said what he thought about the 'Varsityteam, and he could be the most uncomplimentary man in Europe when heliked. His temper was awful, and it did not seem to be improved by theuse of expletives. This game was played on a Saturday, and on thefollowing Wednesday week we had to play the 'Varsity match at Queen'sClub. The Cambridge team was published in the papers on the Monday, but some one told me that our committee were not meeting until theMonday evening. This did not interest me much, for apart from wantingto see that Fred had got his blue, and I thought he was a certainty, Idid not mind who else was chosen. Sykes had played better against theO. C. S than he had ever done before, and even Fred said that he wasafraid my chance had gone for this year. 

After dinner on Monday evening I was sitting in my rooms with Murray, and although it was not nine o'clock, I was wondering how soon I couldgo to bed, when Ward suddenly burst in, fairly bubbling over withexcitement. He turned me right out of my chair, and hitting meviolently on the back, said he had never been so awfully glad in allhis life. My first impression was that he had been made glad by wine, and I told him to clear out if he could not behave himself, which madehim catch hold of me and dance me round the room. By the time we hadfinished I found that Dennison, Collier, Lambert, Webb and a host ofother people had come to my rooms, and at last I discovered that I hadgot my blue. For a moment I did not believe it, but I managed to pushWard into a corner, and told him I would never speak to him again if itwas not true. Then he swore that he had seen the names of the XV. Toplay against Cambridge stuck up in the window of Howell's shop in theTurl, and the first name he saw was G. Marten (St. Cuthbert's), back. 

"And Foster, of course?" I said. 

Then Jack Ward's face fell. "No, they've gone mad, " he answered; "it'sthat man Potts, of Queen's. "

Men buzzed about congratulating me, and one part of me felt mosttremendously glad, and the other part most outrageously sorry. I saida lot of things about the committee, and everybody except Ward andMurray thought I had gone mad. The college clock struck nine, and oldTom's nightly warning began to sound over the city. I seized a cap andbolted down-stairs, leaving my rooms full of astonished men. But FredFoster was the only man I wanted to see, and by making a tremendousrush for Oriel I got there before the gates were closed. I cannotdescribe how I was feeling that evening, but I knew that Fred wasinfinitely better at footer than I was, and in my wildest moments I hadnever imagined that I should be put in the XV. While he was left out ofit. 

I found him sitting in his room alone, but directly he saw me he jumpedup and began to talk. 

"I came to St. Cuthbert's to congratulate you, " he began. 

"It is a confounded swindle, " I interrupted. 

"But there was such a row in your rooms that I couldn't face it. "

"I have never been so sick about anything in my life, " I said; and helooked so miserable that in spite of the comfortable sensation ofhaving got my blue I meant it. 

"It was a vile knock for me, but I don't mind half so much now one ofus is in. Your people will be most awfully glad. "

"They will think the committee are mad to leave you out and put me in. It upsets things altogether. "

"Pott's in his fourth year, and I must have another shot, that's all, "he said. 

"You are bound to get your cricket blue, " I declared. 

"When a man begins to miss getting in as I have done, he very oftenkeeps on doing it, " and he mentioned the names of two or three men who, with any luck, would have played both cricket and footer againstCambridge, but were never chosen. "Don't bother about me, " he went on, "but get yourself as fit as possible, and play like blazes at Queen'sClub; you will be doing me a good turn if you play well, because atpresent they have got an idea up here that Cliborough fellows can'tplay footer. I heard Adamson saying so. "

I expressed my opinion of Adamson and went back to college, for I oughtnot to have been out after nine o'clock, because my gating would notfinish. But I must say that when the Subby sent for me, and Iexplained what had happened, he congratulated me on getting my blue, and said that under such exceptional circumstances he would excuse myforgetfulness. 

For the next few days I got up and went to bed very early; I ran roundthe Parks before breakfast, which took me some time and was a mostdreary occupation, and I kicked a ball about nearly every day. All ofmy people went up to town for the match, and Fred and I joined them atthe Langham on the Tuesday night. My mother was dreadfully sorry forFred, and Nina seemed to have forgotten that she was nearly grown-up, and gave herself no airs at all. I think that Fred, who forgaveswindles very quickly, found some consolation in the fact that he wasgoing to watch the match with Nina, which would have amused me had Inot been so anxious about the morrow. 

There cannot be a more cheerless spot in London than the Queen's Clubon a foggy December afternoon, but when I arrived there and found thatwe had got to play in semi-darkness my nervousness almost disappeared. 

After being photographed, and running about the ground to stretch ourlegs, we began, and for some time I should not think a full-back everhad less to do than I had. The game settled down into one longscrimmage, and apart from making a few kicks, which were neither goodnor bad, I was almost a spectator, and at half-time I was, incomparison with every one else, quite disgustingly clean. We playedtowards the pavilion during the second half, and before ten minutes hadpassed I was covered with mud, if not with glory. The Cambridgethree-quarters got the ball, and after a round of passing one of themgot a try right behind our posts. Adamson promptly told me that it wasmy fault, but as a matter of fact Pott had slipped up at a criticalmoment and left his man unmarked, so I did not get much chance ofpreventing the try. 

After this Cambridge pressed us hard, and I had to fall on the ballcontinually, which is a dismal performance until one gets warmed up toit. Pott's knee had given way, and though he stayed on the ground andlimped about, the Cambridge forwards seemed to be always rushing pasthim and hurling me to the ground. Luck, however, was on our side, andthough they were often on the point of scoring nothing really happened, and at last our forwards got the ball down to the other end of theground. I hoped for a little peace, but the man who plays full-backand expects such a thing is an idiot. Only a few minutes were leftwhen the Cambridge three-quarters got off again, and, Pott beinguseless, two men came at top speed for me. Their centre had the ball, and had only to throw it to the wing man for a try to be a certainty. The wing man was an international and about the fastest three-quarterin Scotland, so I tried a little device, which was bad football, thoughin this case it came off. My only chance was for the centre man tolose his head, and he lost it quite beautifully; if he had only gone onhimself instead of trying to pass there was nobody to stop him, for Ihad made up my mind to prevent the fast man getting the ball whateverhappened. I ran in between them, and the centre passed right into myhands; at the same moment the wing man slipped up, and I was going forthe Cambridge line as fast as I could. No one being near me I thinkthat I made one of the fastest runs of my life, but not having beenblessed with speed I had to pass at last, and I happened to make quitea good shot, for one of our halves got the ball and ran in behind theposts. Adamson kicked the goal all right, and the game ended in a drawdirectly afterwards. 

I don't mind saying that as I walked off the ground I should have beenglad if there had been less fog; I had suffered so much after theCambridge try, that I should have been pleased if everybody had seenthe finish; but after all Fred had managed to discover what hadhappened, and if there had not been a fog, I expect I should not havetried to intercept that pass, for it would have looked quite awful if Ihad not happened to do it. All kinds of people congratulated me, andAdamson was good enough to acknowledge that I had atoned for myprevious mistake; but I could not help wondering what he would havesaid if the Cambridge man had not happened to make such a bad pass. There was a condescension about Adamson which roused my worst passions, for of all the blues I have seen he was the only one who ever took aninsane delight in himself, and unfortunately he belonged to a collegewhich so seldom had a blue, that when they did get one they almostworshipped him. 

After the game was over I went back to the Langham, for Fred and I hadarranged to go to a theatre with Jack Ward; but I have only the vaguestidea of the performance I watched. I had slept badly the night before, and now that the match was over, nothing could keep me awake, so I hadto be given up as hopeless, though Fred gave me an occasional dig withhis elbow just to keep me from snoring. By the time the play was overI was properly awake again, and so satisfied with myself, that when Imet Dennison going out of the theatre I was even glad to see him. 

"Ward told me you were coming here, " he said. "What are you going todo now?"

"Going home, I suppose, " I answered; but I cannot say that I cared muchwhere I went. 

"Let's go to the Parma, there is sure to be a rag on there, " he said toJack, and after some discussion we walked down Shaftesbury Avenue. 

I think the air of the town must have got into Dennison's head, for Ihad not walked far before I was in more than my usual state of ragewith him. He ordered us about most abominably, and seemed to thinkthat I was sure to lose my way unless I kept close to him. As a matterof fact, neither Fred nor I knew London well, but I resented beingtreated like an infant, and if Dennison only looked after us out ofkindness, I did not see why he should do it at the top of his voice. Ihad an inexplicable feeling that it was the duty of every one to knowsomething about London, and although I should not have recognizedPiccadilly Circus when I saw it, I was quite prepared to put that downto the fog; for if Dennison had not taken so much for granted, I shouldnever willingly have given myself away to him. 

When we reached the Parma I was very thirsty, but there were so manypeople in the place that it was impossible to get near the bar. Wewere jolted about by men who, having nothing else to say, shouted "Goodold Cambridge!" and "Now then, Oxford!" The pandemonium was deafening, and Jack said to me that the whole thing wasn't good enough, and unlessyou happened to feel like shoving into people and then pretending thatyou were very sorry he was quite right. 

A man standing on the steps at the top of the room began to make aspeech until somebody shoved him down, and his top-hat, having beenknocked off, was kicked about by everybody who could get near it. Menwhom I never remembered having seen before, shook me warmly by the handand treated me as if I was their greatest friend, but none of themcould get me anything to drink. This scene was subsequently describedas disgraceful, but it was really very dull, and after a few moreminutes spent in trying to make my voice heard in the noise, the lightswere turned out. The word "Johnnys" ran round the place, and there wasa big rush for the door leading into Piccadilly Circus. Fortunately Igot out at once, and I found myself marching clown Piccadilly in thesecond row of a procession. Foster was next to me, though how he gotthere I cannot conceive, and Ward and Dennison were in the front row. We sang as we walked, and people cleared out of our way. I heard oneman who met us say "Poor fools!" and the fellow who was with himanswered "We did that kind of thing years ago, didn't we?" Outside TheSt. John's we came to a dead stop, and the men in front of me beganarguing with an enormous man who stood at the entrance. 

"No one else is to be admitted to-night, " I heard the giant say. 

"But it is not closing time, " some one answered. 

"These are my orders, gentlemen, " he said, and it was really rathernice of him to address us as he did. 

Ward did not say a word, but tried quite amicably to get past thegiant. It was a kind of Goliath and David business anyhow, butwhatever chance Ward had of getting into the restaurant ended abruptly;a bevy of policemen who seemed to drop out of the skies simply pouncedupon him, and if he had been guilty of some real crime he could nothave been treated more severely. It was my first experience ofpolicemen, and unless some one had very kindly caught hold of me, myfirst impulse was to go for the men who had seized Ward. 

"You had better keep quiet, or you will be taken to the station aswell, " one policeman said to me, but I went on talking until some one Idid not know touched me on the arm. 

"Was the man they collared a friend of yours?" he asked. 

"Yes, and it is a most wretched swindle, " I said. 

"I don't think he did anything to speak of, " Foster added. 

"I was just coming out of the door as it happened, " our friend said, "and I have never seen a more unfair thing in my life. If you willcome to the police-station to-morrow to give evidence, I will come too. You had better go now and see if you can do anything for him. "

We assured him that we would turn up the next morning, and then Fosterand I made our way to the police-station. I cannot say that theInspector, or whoever the official was who talked to us, took muchnotice of what we said, but we found a more sympathetic man outside thestation who asked us if we wanted to bail out our friend. The officialhad told us that Jack Ward would be quite comfortable during the night, but when I saw another person brought in by the police we doubted thisstatement very much, and we discussed things with our sympatheticfriend, who was a shabby-looking man when he happened to get near thelight, and he gave us much advice in exchange for half-a-sovereign. Igave him the half-sovereign, though what prompted me to do so I cannotremember, but I had met so many aggressive people during that eveningthat a kind man appealed to me strongly. He was, I heard afterwards, aprofessional bailer-out, and I do not think he could have been a verygood one, for although Fred and I went about with him for over an hour, and rang up various people who treated us with unvarying rudeness, inthe end we had to leave Jack Ward where he was. 

It was no easy matter to escape from my people in the morning, but wegot to the place all right, and soon after we got there Jack Wardappeared, and was charged with creating a disturbance in Piccadilly. Policemen gave evidence, and the man who had told us that he would comeand speak up for Ward turned out to be a barrister, and did not appearto be in the least afraid of the magistrate. His evidence was verydifferent to that of the police, and I thought Jack Ward, who looked asif he had been having a dreadful time, was bound to get off. 

When my turn came to kiss the book I was in a terrible state ofnervousness, and the magistrate asked me my name twice, and where Ilived at least three times. I am sure he must have been deaf, for Ispoke plainly enough, but I thought him a most disagreeable man. Afterbothering me until I really felt quite unwell, he asked me how manydrinks I had seen Jack Ward have, and when I answered "None, " he saidvery angrily, "I shall not want to ask you any more questions. " Hemight just as well have told me that he did not believe a word I said. 

In the end Ward was bound over to keep the peace for a month, and themagistrate said what he thought of the disturbance which had been made. He supposed undergraduates to be a far more vicious lot than theyreally are, for at the very worst we were only extremely noisy and veryfoolish, and Jack Ward was just the victim of horribly bad luck. 

I was glad to get away from the police-court, and I am not searchingfor such an experience as this again, but principally we were sorry forWard, who said he had never spent such a night in his life. However hewas very cheerful about it, and took the view that it might havehappened to any one. 

After luncheon Foster and I had to start on tour with the 'Varsity XV. In Wales, and I was exceedingly glad that Adamson had to stay in townto play for the South against the North, or Fred would not have come. On that tour I played very badly and Fred very well, which is what somepeople would call the irony of fate. But I must say in excuse formyself that more difficult people to get hold of than those Swansea, Newport and Cardiff three-quarters I cannot conceive, and I had no endof chances of trying to collar them. How many of those chances I tookcan be guessed by any one who is curious enough to look up records andsee the lamentable results of those three matches. 

CHAPTER X

MY MAIDEN SPEECH

As soon as the 'Varsity football tour was finished, I went home andFred Foster came with me. Any exultation I might have been inclined toshow over my blue was completely checked by the way I played on thetour, and I was very glad when we got away from Wales and the sarcasticremarks of the Welsh newspapers. As a matter of curiosity it may besatisfactory to find out what famous Oxford teams of former years thinkof the one you happen to be in, but it was exceedingly disagreeable ofthe Welsh papers to suggest that we should not like to hear theopinions of these heroes, and one sporting reporter went out of his wayto be nasty to me. "When I saw Marten at back and remember thebrilliant exponents of the game who have filled his position inprevious Dark Blue fifteens, I really cannot refrain from smiling. Butit is a pity all the same. " If I could have got hold of that fellow Ithink I might have curtailed the length of his smile, but Foster gaveme a little satisfaction by saying that if a man was ass enough towrite about "exponents of the game, " he was probably paid a penny aline for what he wrote, and had sacrificed me for the sake ofthreepence. 

We had a very good time during our first "vac. " I think that Ninaexpected me to come back from Oxford with a very fine equipment ofairs; in fact I know that she did for she told me so, but I was in ahumble mood and gave her no chances to squash me, and she and Fred goton splendidly together. My first term had taught me that I did notknow in the least what I wanted, which was an upsetting lesson for anyone to learn who had always done what came next without bothering aboutthe consequences. This result had been brought about by the Warden andDennison, the one had in his curious way tried to urge me on, the otherhad sickened me of men who rag from morning to night, and I feltbothered for several days in succession. Then, however, I stoppedworrying myself and regained my normal spirits, to the annoyance of myfather who was at that time inveighing against Russia and theritualistic vicar of our parish, and had a lot to say about the thinend of the wedge. He told me that I must take more interest inpolitics, and he made both Fred and me promise that we would speak atdebating societies during our first year. 

But when I recollected the discussions I had listened to at our collegedebating society I could not remember a single one at which I couldhave said anything to the point; how could I know whether "It is betterto have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, " or what couldI say about marriage being a failure? There was, indeed, only one manat St. Cuthbert's who could possibly know anything about marriage, andhe had a wife and three children, but from the appearance of the lady Ido not think that he was likely to give us his honest opinion. 

I wrote to Jack Ward but did not get an answer, and when we got back toOxford I found that he had been staying with a mining magnate whosename I could not pronounce. He had been gambling every night, I forgethow much he won in a week, but it is of no consequence as he lost allof it and a lot more before he had finished. During this term hebecame a complete blood, and was constantly dining at wine clubs orwith somebody like Bunny Langham. He joined the Mohocks, and men whodid not know him, and thought that our wine club made far too muchnoise and was a nuisance to the college, said that he would get sentdown at the end of his first year for being ploughed in passModerations. I, however, saw a good deal of him at odd times, and thefact that he absolutely refused to have anything more to do withDennison than he could help delighted me. When Jack had no use for anyone he had a very expressive way of letting them know it, and Dennisonat last was so offended that he invaded my rooms one afternoon when Iwas changing after footer and couldn't escape from him. 

"You don't see much of Ward now, do you?" he began, as he placedhimself upon my bed. 

"I see him every day, " I answered. 

"I can't understand why you care to do it. "

"Well, I do care to do it; you are sitting on my socks, do you mindgetting up?"

"You ought to hear what most of the freshers are saying about the sideWard is putting on, it isn't as if he had any good reason for stickingon side. "

"What do you think is a good reason for sticking on side?" I asked. 

"Ward can't do anything; you are a blue already, and I shall probablyget my racquet blue, but of course that's got nothing to do with it. "

"Then I shouldn't say anything about it, " I answered, and putting on mycoat I went into my sitter. 

"Don't be a fool, " he said as he followed me, "you stick sotremendously close to rotten old-fashioned ideas. I am not exactlycommitting a crime in not liking a man whom you profess to like. "

"I have never professed to like any one in my life if I didn't likehim, " I returned, and instead of getting angry with me, he laughed andsat down in my biggest arm-chair. It was not his habit to have twoquarrels going on at the same time, and when he wished to be amiableyou had to work hard before you removed his smile. We had teatogether, and I did work hard, but he refused to be offended, and toldme that I was far too good a sort to be wrapped up in old prejudices, which were the laughing-stock of everybody who really thought aboutthem. Oxford, he said, was the place for a good time and not forairing ridiculous fads which were all right at school, where there wasnothing else to do but pretend to like a fellow for ever because youhad happened to like him for a few weeks. And he also told me thatbeing a blue, I ought to take my proper position in the college, andnot to go about with men who were no use whatever. 

In return I told him some beautifully plain things, but when a man hasthe terrific impudence of Dennison, he makes me too angry to becoherent. I let him know, however, that I intended to choose my ownfriends and that I thought a blue, if he was also a bounder, might dohis college more harm than good. To which he replied that if a man wasa bounder he found it exceedingly difficult to become a blue. WhenDennison went away I rushed off to see Murray, and although he did notpretend to like Jack, he agreed with me that ten Wards in a collegewould not make it as unpleasant a place as one Dennison. After thisattempt to get me on his side against Jack, Dennison left me more orless alone, but he smiled upon me whenever he saw me, and to Webb, Lambert and a man called Learoyd, who were at that time his particularfriends, I believe that he described me as a lunatic who might be ofuse in the future. 

I was very energetic during this term, and at the same time very quiet. The weather was so bad that astronomical people said that the sun hadgot spots upon it or had gone wrong somehow; at any rate we hardly eversaw it, and we lived in a deluge of rain. The Torpids had to bepostponed, nearly every footer match was scratched, and the people whohad been talking about water-famines for the last two years held theirpeace. Oxford seemed to be a most cheerless place, and Collier sleptnearly the whole term. However, I most strenuously did labour, but Ishould never have stuck to it had not Murray helped me, and the resultwas that after we had been up five weeks I found myself in high favourwith Mr. Gilbert Edwardes. 

It is a dreadful thing to please your tutor if you do not happen tolike him, because he asks you to breakfast by way of showing hispleasure, and at meals I could not put up with Mr. Edwardes. I satnext him at one breakfast, and he never ate anything except a piece ofdry toast, and he talked about patent foods. I never saw a man wholooked more as if he needed a really big meal of beef and plum-pudding;but he was an authority on diet, and told me that food if toonutritious was very bad for the brain. He could not, I thought, haveimagined that our brains were worth much; for I must say that though hedid not eat himself he gave us every chance of doing so, and if we hadbeen the torpid, who breakfast and dine hugely, he could not haveprovided us with more food. Murray, who was one of many at this meal, seemed to be very interested in what Mr. Edwardes said about diet, andI told him afterwards that he was an arch-humbug; but it turned outthat he had been bothered all his life--at least he said so--byindigestion, and that at Wellingham he had lived on some peculiarbiscuit for nearly a fortnight, which recalled to my mind what Ward hadsaid to me about him. 

I played in all the 'Varsity rugger matches which were not scratched, and we finished up by beating the Wellingham Nomads after a muddy anddesperate struggle. Murray was playing for the Nomads and Foster forthe 'Varsity, and so many Wellingham people came round to Murray'srooms after the match that I had to hold a kind of overflow meeting inmy rooms, after the manner of political gatherings. Murray was ingreat spirits until everybody had gone, and then he said he had got amost frightful attack of indigestion. So I let him talk it off. Itwas curious that I had known him so long without ever having got him onthe subject of health; but he told me that when he came up to Oxford hemade up his mind to forget all about his ailments and eat anything. Itold him that he had better stick to that resolution, because I wassure that his best way was never even to think about himself, but thatadvice was not altogether unselfish. After he had spent a solidhalf-hour in telling me what pains he suffered, he seemed so muchbetter that I was compelled to add that whenever he felt most awfullybad he had better come and talk to me. I did not say that from conceitbut out of sympathy, and when he laughed I told him that if he thoughtit was amusing for me to hear about his pains and spasms he was jollywell mistaken. 

"My father has talked about his liver for the last ten years, " I said, by way of proving that whatever information he gave me about himselfwas bound to be stale. 

"Then you will have one some day, " Murray answered, and I imagined thathe looked at me as if in the future we could have a royal time nursingour dyspepsia together. But I was not going to be a twin dyspepticwith anybody. 

"I hope I have got one now, " I returned, "but I am not going on theroof to shout about it. Every one ought to keep their liver dark, andthen the vile thing wouldn't be a nuisance to every one else. "

He only laughed again. I am afraid he had read a lot of medical booksand knew far too much about the colour of things, but I do reallybelieve that I did him some good, for apart from seeing him putextraordinary pieces of paper on his tongue and look very concernedwhen they revealed whatever secret they have to reveal, he never talkedintimately to me again about his complaints, and as time went on helaughed at himself, which was very wholesome of him. 

Six weeks of the term had passed before I thought of fulfilling thepromise I made to my father, and when the time drew near for me tospeak at our college debating society, if I meant to do so, I becameextremely nervous. There was only one more meeting of the societyduring that term, and the subject for debate was, "The modern novel hasa depressing and decaying influence upon the mind of the Britishnation. " Lambert, who spoke very fluently and not at all to the point, was booked to speak first at this debate, and any one who knew himcould see his magnificent style in the way the motion was drawn up. Herevelled in alliteration, and I should think that he preferred subjectswhich were more general than particular, for he had on one occasioncome hopelessly to grief at a debate on French politics, and had tohide his confusion by saying that no one could be expected to take aninterest in a Latin nation, which made some people think that he wasmore stupid than he really was. 

I resolved to support the modern novel, not because I knew much aboutit, but because I did not intend to be on the same side as Lambert, andI went to the Union and listened to a debate in which two men fromCambridge spoke and one man from London. Speaking seemed to be easy tothese people, but perhaps the presence of the London man--he was verydistinguished--acted as a check to orators who were not quite sure ofthemselves. At any rate the distinguished man made a great impression, he deplored the spread of taste among the lower classes, and he wasvery sad and eloquent about organized excursions which he saidconsisted chiefly of meals. To my mind he went on deploring far toolong, for if anybody does remember Rome by what he had for dinnerthere, and forgets everything about Venice except his tea, histemporary absence from England is not exactly a disaster, and theItalians are glad to have him. Craddock of Balliol, who spoke beforethe man from London, was crushed for dealing with the subject in afrivolous manner, but I was not persuaded that a serious debate aboutEnglish Tourists would make them any less humorous or plentiful. Thatdebate did me good in one way, for I was so angry with this man ofdistinction that I wished I could have told him what I thought, and forthree consecutive mornings I addressed an imaginary audience while Iwas having my bath. But if my remarks had been made at the Union I amafraid they would have caused a tumult, they were more suited to theHouse of Commons, where, if the worst happens, you have the consolationof being led out by a dignified official, and can read about yourdeparture in the newspapers of the following morning. I was so worriedabout my speech that I mentioned it to several men, and most of themsaid that they would come to the debate, which was the last thing Iwanted them to do. I had, however, to go through with it, so Iconsoled myself by the thought that I couldn't be duller than some ofthe people whom I had heard speaking at our debates; but when I wentinto the common room and found a larger crowd of men there than I hadever seen at a previous meeting, I wished that I had never come nearthe place. Before Lambert spoke we had to go through a lot of privatebusiness, which consisted chiefly of attempts by the college wags to befunny. Some men cultivate the special form of humour which shines atprivate business, but on this occasion all our wags were either absentor silent, and the President and Secretary of the debating society hada very peaceful evening. 

When Lambert got up to pulverize the modern novel a great many men, whohad only come in for a rag, left the room, but Dennison, Webb and someothers who knew that I intended to speak, remained, and I made up mymind that they should wait a very long time if they meant to hear me. There was not a trace of nervousness about Lambert; he shot his cuffs, stroked his upper lip with one finger, and was really rather a comicalfigure, though I should think that every one was not so much amused atthe things he said as at his magnificent manner while saying them, forhe had nothing new to say about the influence of popular fiction. Hereferred to authors who draw their inspiration from the Bible in termsof lordly condescension, and then, changing his manner suddenly, hespoke of the rise and fall of Stratford-upon-Avon in such mournfultones that any one who did not know him might have imagined that he wason the verge of tears. 

No speech of his, however, was complete without a peroration, and onthis evening he surpassed himself. "You, " he began, "who buy bookswithout a thought of what you are buying, who are guided in your tastefor fiction by the advertisements and buy a novel with as little careas you would buy a pair of scissors, who think, if you ever think, andI have already said that you do not, that because there are fiftythousand tasteless people in the world there is no reason why youshould not swell that crowd, you are responsible for the decay of thenovel. Traditions are dying, helped to their death by prizecompetitions and personal paragraphs, and Oxford is the home oftradition, for Oxford was invented before Eton. We care no longer forwhat is best but for what is most talked about, in our fiction we lookfor scandals and not for literature, and unless there is a reaction theman who can blush will become a curiosity, fit only for exhibition onthe Music Hall stage or in the Zoological Gardens. It is a seriousmatter. The Philistines must be met and routed, we know that of oldthis was their usual fate, it seems to have been the chief reason fortheir existence. For my part I think a day ill-spent in which I havenot read a few pages of Fielding or Thackeray. I have the most kindlyfeelings towards Dickens, Jane Austen and George Eliot, and when I amtired I write little things myself. "

He sat down and looked blandly in front of him; if he had been lesspleased with himself he would not have been anything like so amusing. 

A senior man called Ransome got up to defend the modern novel, and thedebate at once became serious. In about five minutes Ransome wouldhave made most men feel crushed and unhappy, but Lambert only spreadout his legs and shut his eyes. Ransome was not only a good speakerbut also one of the cleverest men in the 'Varsity, and he scored timeafter time without disturbing Lambert's equanimity. I think thatLambert's enormous and somnolent bulk must have annoyed Ransome, for hewent on to make an attack which was virulently sarcastic. In hisspeech Lambert had been foolish enough to say nothing in favour ofmodern novels, he had taken it for granted that all of them were bad, and Ransome fastening on this accused him of never having heard ofGeorge Meredith and Thomas Hardy, and he finished by appealing to usnot to be guided in our tastes and opinions by a man whose assumptionswere based on tremendous ignorance. 

After Ransome had finished Lambert woke up, which was silly of him, butI must admit that he looked exactly as if he had been roused from adeep sleep. A number of men spoke, and most of them said somethingwhich I had intended to say, until there was very little of my speechleft which could sound original. As each man sat down, Dennison andWebb had the impertinence to shout "Marten, " but they were alwayscalled to order by the President, who was in no hurry to hear my maideneffort. Collier, who had not come to hear me from inclination but asense of duty, dozed peacefully in a corner, a number of men recordedtheir votes and left the room, the President yawned prodigiously, andthe Secretary looked as if he had got a headache. If I intended tospeak before Lambert replied to all the criticisms passed upon him, mytime had come. I got up as quietly as I could, but I was greeted withso much applause that I felt quite embarrassed. Jack Ward had come infrom dining somewhere, and when he saw Dennison and Webb clappingbecause they expected to be amused, he resolved to make more row thanthey did. I could not complain of my reception, but why I received itis not worth discussing. However the mere sight of Dennison made medetermined not to make a fool of myself and I got rid of my firstsentence without a hitch, and then I was all right for some timebecause the walls of my bedder had heard my speech very often and Iknew it well. Jack Ward kept on applauding violently, he meant wellbut he did it in the most awkward places, and he made me forget onething which Foster had provided. Dennison laughed a little, but he hadto wait before he got an opportunity of trying to make me appearespecially ridiculous. 

"We read too much and think too little, " I said, and this was theopening of a sentence which had caused me a lot of trouble until Murrayhelped me to put it right, but Dennison saw his chance and interruptedme by saying, "We talk too much and think too little, is what youmean, " which was an exasperating remark when I had very nearly finishedwithout any bother. So I turned round and told him that I could saywhat I liked without asking him. The President shouted "Order, " but helooked too sleepy to care much what happened. 

"At any rate I suppose you cribbed it from last week's _Spectator_, andI know it was 'Talk too much, ' because I saw it. "

"If Mr. Marten thinks he can improve upon anything taken from the_Spectator_ he is at perfect liberty to do so, " the President said verysarcastically, and I felt badly scored off. 

"It's all very well, " I said to him, "but these interruptions have mademe forget where I have got to. "

"About the bottom of your second cuff, I should think, " Dennison calledout, and I could not stand that libel, so I addressed the rest of myspeech to him. It was, at any rate, fluent, and although the Presidenttried to stop me I had a merry if short innings before I finished. Dennison was too much for me, he never lost his temper while I was soangry that I forget exactly what happened, but when I met the Presidentin the quad on the following morning and apologized to him, he was kindenough to say that he hoped I should speak again during the next term, although as he would be reading hard he was afraid that he would nothave the pleasure of hearing me. He was a curious man, and I could nothelp wondering whether he would have wished me to speak if he had notbeen too busy to listen, but I did not care to risk asking him thatquestion. 

The Lent Term at Oxford is rather a dull one for men who do not row, run, or play soccer. In my time golfers were thought dull whether theyplayed golf or only talked about it. I did run in our college sportsbecause Collier said I wouldn't, and Collier ran because I said hecouldn't, the result was that we competed in a half-mile handicap inwhich he received the munificent start of eighty-five yards, while Ihad to worry through the whole distance with the exception of twentyyards. Collier bet me five shillings that he would defeat me in thatrace, and I thought I had found an easy way of making a little money, but a half-mile is a long distance for two men without much wind, andwhen I caught Collier up about two hundred yards from the finish weagreed to cancel our bet and walk to the pavilion. Collier could notspeak without gasping for a quarter of an hour, and then he expressedthe determination of retiring permanently from the running path. 

CHAPTER XI

A CRICKET MATCH AT BURTINGTON

The summer term at Oxford would be even more pleasant than it is if itdid not start in April and finish when the summer is just beginning. Ido not wish to say anything about weather, but without taking aninterest in the abnormal quantities of rain or wanting to know why thesun shines so seldom, I do think that if the success of a term dependslargely upon an English May, it is apt to be very limited. I have beentold so often by quite truthful men that there are other people besidesundergraduates to be considered in Oxford, that I have never felt soconvinced about anything, except that Queen Anne is dead; but all thesame it seems to me that the undergraduate is not given a chance ofbeing comfortably warm for any length of time. And if the authoritieswho fix the terms, or if they like it better, the academical year, would understand that an undergraduate is a far nicer man when he iscomfortable, they might be inclined to cease from compelling him toplay cricket when it is impossible to think of anything but the bitingwind. 

For my own part I am certain that I have never wanted to break rules orwindows when the sun shines, but some men, when they become depressedby the weather, turn their thoughts to throwing things about, and thereare so many windows in a quad that wherever you throw you seem to hitone of them. The only window I smashed was not entirely my fault, forWard ducked his head just as a tennis-ball was going to hit it; theSubby, however, who was trying to instil logic into a lot of pass"mods" men, was annoyed by broken glass falling into his lecture-room. This was a bad beginning to the summer term, but had it not rained fornearly two days I should have been playing cricket that morning, and ifWard's head had happened to be in front of the Subby's lecture-room Ishould not have been there to throw at it. I tried to explain this tothe Subby, but there is a certain kind of reasoning which does not makemuch impression on either dons or schoolmasters. I asked him if hethought any man who was booked to play cricket all day could sit downat once and work when he heard that his match was scratched, and heanswered, "Undoubtedly. " The Subby was a nice enough man in some ways, but in others he was simply hopeless. He was not so absolutelyunapproachable as Mr. Edwardes, for although you had got to imagine forall you were worth you could think of him as an "undergrad, " but whenMurray and I tried to persuade ourselves that Mr. Edwardes had oncebeen only twenty years old we wasted our time, and Murray told me thatI was always trying to do impossible things. 

Oxford, however, is a good place when you are only playing at summer, and it is really splendid if you are lucky enough to have a fine Mayand early June. I went back there full of enthusiasm, I meant to do ahundred things, but I am afraid my programme was a little too full; tocarry it out successfully I required the co-operation of the Subby andMr. Edwardes, and no one but an enthusiast, or a fool, would havethought he was likely to get it. My experiences with Mr. Edwardesduring my second term had been placidly uneventful, but they had beengained by very great effort on my part, and they did not seem to havebeen worth the effort, since my tutor was almost as great an iceberg atthe end of the term as he had been at the beginning. He could notthaw, but I never found out that until I had spent many unsuccessfulinterviews with him. I thought after going through one term withoutoffending him that I was what golfers, I believe, would call "one up, "and I felt that it would be an easy matter to increase my score, but Imade a great mistake. Mr. Edwardes did not realize in the least thatcricket is a very important and tiring game. I told him frankly that Iwanted to enjoy myself during my first summer term, and that if my workwas neglected a little I hoped he would understand the reason. Hefailed to understand it, and instead of being pleased with my candour, he took up a sort of pouncing attitude. He was fairly on the look-out, and when a don gets into that state it is not likely he is going towatch for nothing. 

In the freshers' match Foster and I were on opposite sides, whichseemed to me a very poor kind of arrangement even before we began, andwhat I thought of it after the match was over is not worth saying. Theweather on the first day of the game was never intended for cricket, and I have very rarely seen a nose glow quite so gorgeously as theumpire who no-balled me twice in my first over. I actually began thebowling, though I think the reason for this honour must have been thatCross of Magdalen, who was secretary to the 'Varsity XI. And captainedour side, knew my name. Foster and Henderson began the batting, and myfirst ball which was supposed to be directed at Foster's wicket was amost abominable wide, the second and third he hit to the boundary, thefourth was a no-ball, and I really forget what happened after that, butI know that it was the sort of over which seemed as if it would neverend. I had not been no-balled before, and this unexpected misfortunemade my bowling quite comically bad. Cross kept me on for seven overs, because as I heard him say afterwards he thought the beginning was toobad to be true. Foster made 128 and Henderson 93, I got one wicket for78 runs, but the man I got out was not supposed to be a batsman, and heconfided to me as we went back to the pavilion that his highest scorefor his school during the last season had been 5. This information onthe top of my inglorious performance was really rather trying; hemight, I thought, have kept it to himself, but he had made 11 and wasunduly elated. Their side made 358, and our two innings only totalled301; I went in last, with the exception of Cross, and made suchfuriously ineffective efforts to hit some leg-breaks, that Rushden ofNew College, who was a most serious cricketer and captain of the'Varsity XI. , was compelled to laugh. But I did land one ball into theshrubbery, which was the only moment during the match when I felt thatcricket in a cold wind was worth playing. After it was all over, however, I was delighted that Fred had started so well, and it did notsurprise me at all when I saw that my name was not down to play for theSixteen Freshmen against the 'Varsity XI. ; in fact I should have beenvery surprised if Rushden had not made up his mind about me. Both Fredand Henderson did well in this second trial match and were chosen toplay for the Varsity against the M. C. C. , while I went back to collegecricket and lived upon what reputation I had brought from Cliboroughfor quite three weeks. I could not get any wickets however much Itried until we played Pembroke, who were not exactly a strong battingside, and to make things easier for me they had their three best menaway. After this match I got my college colours, but I am afraid thatit is doubtful if I deserved them. 

Jack Ward played for the College XI. , but his best scores were made forthe St. Cuthbert's Busters, who played villages round Oxford, and werenot very depressed if they were beaten. Collier, Lambert and Dennisonalso played for the Busters, and a kind of truce had been patched upbetween Jack and Dennison, because Jack said that it was too muchtrouble to keep up a quarrel with any one whom he was always meeting, and Dennison was at that time so occupied with other schemes that hetreated Jack as if he was his dearest friend. 

Some senior men in the college were getting very dissatisfied with thestate of it, for they said that it was all right to have an occasionalrag if we had anything to rag about; but as we did not seem able torow, play footer or cricket, we had better keep quiet. They didnothing except talk, and Dennison played up to them with all his might;he had got his half-blue for racquets, and they, not knowing him aswell as Jack, Collier and I did, thought that he was really keen on thecollege. But, as a matter of fact, he howled with laughter when ourtorpid went down six places, and said that if men were fools enough torow they deserved to be laughed at, whatever happened to them. 

No one wants to belong to a college which can do nothing but howl atnight, since the greatest slackers in the 'Varsity howl the loudest. Dennison worked hard for popularity among senior men, but he carednothing for the college, and several of the freshers knew that if hegot a set round him who intended to manage the place, St. Cuthbert'swas doomed as far as athletics were concerned. He was made for somecollege which is in the habit of having only one blue every ten yearsor so, and may possibly treat him as if he is a very fine specimen whenthey have got him. 

We could not help doing well in the schools, because we always hadscholars who took Firsts with beautiful regularity; but no one thoughtvery much about it, since it was a thing to which every one in the'Varsity was accustomed. 

Even Fred Foster told me that it was a pity St. Cuthbert's was goingdownhill so fast; but apart from being angry there was nothing for meto do, except wait. Our dons, taken in the mass, wanted us to work andbe quiet; they did not care what happened to our eight or our eleven, and when a man got his blue he was generally told that he must notallow it to interfere with his reading. Unless dons meetundergraduates half-way a college is bound, sooner or later, to suffer;but a little humanity can do wondrous things. During my first year theWarden was the only don who was kind to me, and though I liked him somuch that I forgave him for not appreciating the difference betweenbumping and being bumped, I must confess that his kindness was of apeculiar kind. St. Cuthbert's, in the opinion of the 'Varsity, hadbegun to go down rapidly, and we got very little sympathy from anybodyoutside the college. The outlook was gloomy enough, for I was bound tohave rows with Mr. Edwardes as long as I had anything to do with him, and if I could have been of any use in trying to improve things, I knewthat unless some new dons came I should have to spend most of my timein looking after myself. I wished that Fred had come to St. Cuthbert's, for Murray was too quiet to do anything, Collier was toosleepy, and Jack Ward seemed to be as happy-go-lucky as I was. 

It looked as if Dennison was bound to win in the long run, for he was athousand times cleverer at getting what he wanted than any of us, andhe had the great advantage of knowing what he did want. His aim, Iknew, was to be the leader of a set who gambled and yelled and playedgames which he thought were fit for bloods to play. Slackness duringthe day and liveliness at night were briefly his programme, and thoughit is all very well to be lively at night, it seemed to some of us thatif we were to sink to the bottom of the river and care nothing for thereputation of the college, we were in for a very bad time. By natureboth Jack Ward and I were cheerful, and if it had not been for hatingDennison I don't think that I should have wanted to check mycheerfulness. As it was, I had a vague sort of feeling that whatDennison liked must be wrong. 

I saw Dennison as seldom as I could, but Jack Ward came to me onemorning when there was no college match, and when I had nothing to dowhich could not conveniently be put off, to ask me to play for theBusters. Somebody had scratched at the last moment, and even if I hadnot wanted to play I should have found a difficulty in resisting Jack. 

We drove seven miles to a village called Burlington, and had greatdifficulty in finding the wicket when we arrived, but our driver hadbeen there before, and insisted on us getting out by a field whichlooked as if it might produce a bountiful crop of hay. Lambert--whohad talked a lot about being asked to play for his county--pretended tobe very disgusted, and strode about as if he owned the whole place; wehad to be very rude to him, so that we might prevent him from hurtingthe feelings of the Burlington men. 

In the middle of the field a small space had been mown, and the pitchitself, apart from a few holes, was not at all bad, but Bagshaw, whowas captaining the Busters, decided at once that he should keep wicketbecause he did not want to stand up to his knees in grass. The captainof the Burtington team was the local publican, a hearty man who told usin the same breath that he was very glad to see us, and that he hadplayed cricket for thirty years, boy and man. His name was Plumb, andI liked him very much; he played in both braces and a belt, because hetold us belts were ticklish things and braces sometimes burst. Ianswered that it was always well to be on the safe side, and we hadquite a confidential talk, until Lambert and Dennison came up andinterrupted us. Lambert began to complain about the long grass, and Iwas afraid Mr. Plumb might be offended, but I expect he had seen a goodmany people like Lambert, and he only smiled compassionately at him. 

"You see it's like this, " he said, "this damp, not to call it a wetspring, has made this yer grass grow, and what I say is that weatherthat is good for farmers up to June is bad for us cricketers. But, bless me, there's nothing to complain of here--I've played cricket insome funny places if you like, and many a dap on the side of the headI've had in my time. "

"This man, " Dennison remarked, pointing at me, "is a very fast bowler. "

Mr. Plumb shut one eye and looked at me with interest. "Then, " hesaid, "I think you had better bowl up the hill; I have seen them kick abit at the other end, nothing to speak of, but Bill Higgs got his nosecut open come next Saturday three weeks; he's a fast bowler if youlike, I've seen Spofforth and I've seen Mold, but for pace give me BillHiggs. "

"Is he playing to-day?" Lambert asked as unconcernedly as he could. 

"Oh yes, he's playing, he's the terror of the neighbourhood. There heis, the tall man, he's our policeman when he's not playing cricket. Myeye, his arms are like tree-trunks, " and Mr. Plumb left us and walkedover to talk to Bill Higgs, but I am not at all sure that he did notwink at me before he went. 

"You didn't score much there, " I said to Dennison. 

"Cricket isn't good enough in these outlandish holes, " he answered, andseized Collier to tell him about Bill Higgs. Lambert went off hastilyto get a drink, and was not seen again until Bagshaw had won the tossand decided to go in. 

We began our innings with Lambert and Collier, and Bagshaw could nothave chosen a funnier pair. There was some difficulty in getting themready, for Collier had left his pads behind, and we had a desperate jobto find any which were large enough to fit him, while Lambert was soengaged in persuading us that Higgs on a bumping wicket was nothing toa man who had been asked to play for his county that at one time he hadlost both his bat and his gloves. Before they started Collier insistedon tossing to see who should have first ball, and when he won Lambertsaid it was of no consequence as he had always meant to have the firstball. The Burtington XI. Waited patiently, and threw catches to eachother with extraordinary violence, but although Mr. Plumb had announcedthat Higgs would begin the bowling, the terror of the neighbourhood hadnot allowed us to see how fast he bowled. There was an air of mysteryabout Higgs, which the nine of us who were not at the wickets foundvery entertaining, though Dennison, who was in next, looked anxious. 

When our batsmen had got to the wickets it seemed as if the game wouldnever begin, for Lambert took guard three times and looked round theground so often to see where the fielders were placed that two or threeof the Burtington men from sheer weariness began to turn somersaults. Higgs stood with the ball in his hand and talked to Collier, he knewthat he was a great man and was quite unmoved by Lambert's littletricks. At last there was no excuse for waiting any longer, and theumpire, after Lambert had refused to have a trial ball, which I supposehe thought would have been an undignified thing for him to do, called"Play. " The mystery was solved immediately, Higgs bowled very fastunderhand, the kind of ball which is correctly termed a "sneak, " butunfortunately for Lambert the first one was straight and his bat wasstill in the air when his middle stump was knocked to the ground. TheBurtington XI. Seemed to me to take this beginning as amatter-of-course, and started throwing catches to each other withouteven troubling to applaud Higgs. Lambert walked very slowly from thewickets, and when he got back to us he was smiling in his mostmagnificently contemptuous manner. 

"I thought you asked me to play cricket, " he said to Bagshaw. "I keepa special bat for that sort of bowling, and I did not want to smashthis one. "

He sat down on the grass, but we were all so suffocated by laughterthat none of us could condole with him, and if any one had ventured tosay "Bad luck, " I am sure Lambert would have treated him with scorn. 

Dennison had two balls which did not bowl him, but Higgs made nomistake with the next one, and the Burlington men played catch oncemore. In the end we managed to make 33, though hardly any of the runswere made off Higgs, and twelve of them came from two balls which werelost quite close to the wickets. Nine of the Burtington men made 18runs, for Collier bowled very straight until he got hopelessly out ofbreath, and then Bagshaw, who laughed all the time Collier was bowling, would not take him off, though the wretched man was panting like agrampus. "This last fellow is sure to be a 'sitter, '" Bagshaw said, "here is Collier's chance to bowl right through an innings, I don'tsuppose he has ever done it before. "

But Collier, who was searching after breath and not troubling aboutrecords, was indignant with Bagshaw, and when Lambert, who said thatthe sun was in his eyes, missed two catches off consecutive balls, Collier said something to him at the end of the over which disturbedthe harmony of our XI. For several minutes. Unfortunately the lastBurtington batsman was more of a wag than a "sitter, " he was the funnyman of the team, and was so delighted with his own wit that Bagshawsaid it would be a shame not to let him enjoy himself. 

"Every village team has its funny man, " he said, "and we are jollylucky to get him in last. " I am sure Bagshaw was what is called a goodsportsman, but he was too kind to be a good captain. I thought SamJenks was a harmless idiot when he came in with only one pad, and thaton the wrong leg, but by the time he had fooled us out of eight or nineruns I was simply sick to death of him. Lambert stated in a loud voicethat it was not cricket, and Collier, who was most completelydisorganized both in body and temper, retorted that if it had beencricket Lambert would not have been playing; while Sam, who in someways was not such an ass as he tried to make out, played the next ballslowly to Lambert at short leg, and ran down the pitch exhorting him tothrow it at Collier's head as soon as he got hold of it. Possibly thisadvice, combined with a natural inability to stoop quickly, madeLambert even slower than usual in picking up the ball, but when he didpick it up he threw it violently at the wicket to which Sam wasrunning. There was some doubt whether he threw at Sam or at thewickets, but he missed whatever he intended to hit and the ball wentyards away into the long grass, where it remained until four runs hadbeen made and Burtington had won the match. 

Immediately afterwards Sam fell over his wickets in trying to make astylish stroke with one leg poised in the air, and an excursion ofBurtingtonians, headed by Mr. Plumb, sallied forth and carried himshoulder-high to the tent, where he was given much refreshment. 

One or two men on our side tried to persuade Bagshaw that there wasplenty of time left to make as many runs as we wanted and to get theBurtington men out again, but when Mr. Plumb was told what we weretalking about he came out of the tent and joined us. He was inclinedto be elated, and seizing Bagshaw by the arm said he should like tohave a word with him. They walked away from the rest of us, and, as afriend of Mr. Plumb's, I went with them. 

"Cricket is cricket, that's what I say, sir, " Mr. Plumb began, andBagshaw, whose manners were perfectly splendid, assented without asmile. 

"But in this yer little village there are what the parson calls localconsiderations, which I as captain of this team have got to consider. "

Bagshaw inquired quite patiently what these considerations were. 

"Well, it's like this, I keep The Reindeer, and the parson he's ateetotaller, not one of those stumping men who think because they drinknothing nobody else ought to, but what I should call broad-minded for aman who drinks nothing but water. Now what the parson says to me isthis: 'You give these young gentlemen luncheon for which they payshalf-a-crown ahead, and it's worth it, and my missis drives up in thepony-cart at five and gives everybody tea. ' It's like a bargain, youunderstand. "

Bagshaw understood most thoroughly and tried to stop the flow of Mr. Plumb's conversation, but that excellent captain talked on for anotherfive minutes, until two of our men who knew Bagshaw better than I did, took upon themselves to walk to the wickets. Then Mr. Plumb began tocollect his men, which seemed to be a difficult matter, and it washalf-past four before we began again. At five o'clock tea was readyand the game was interrupted for so long that we gave up all thoughtsof winning it, but I heard afterwards from the parson himself that as ageneral rule only the batting side had tea and the other XI. Had totake their chance of getting some. I believe we should have won thatmatch if Mr. Plumb had captained our side, but the Busters weregenerally beaten, which possibly accounted for the fact that most ofthe villages round Oxford said they were a splendid eleven. No teamwhich contained Lambert could help being splendid, but as regardscricket we were the most futile side it is possible to imagine, andBagshaw, who was a really good sort, was also exactly the right man tocaptain it. 

In our second innings Lambert made nine runs, which was not a greatscore for a man who said he had been asked to play for his county, butwas unfortunately enough to make him very pleased with himself, andwhen he got into that state of mind he was a dangerous man, for healways wanted to do something which was better left undone. On thisoccasion he persuaded Jack Ward that a little dinner at The Reindeerwould be the most sporting way of finishing the evening, and I havenever seen any one support a suggestion more heartily than Mr. Plumbdid this one of Lambert's. He had a couple of beautiful ducklingswaiting to be cooked, some lamb which would be wasted upon any one butreal gentlemen, and some port which would make our hair curl. Collierlistened to this and thought it too good to miss, so he backed upLambert, and Ward, who did not seem enthusiastic over the hair-curlingport, said he would stay if I would. There were good reasons why Ishould not stay and I mentioned them one by one, but although in thelump they ought to have been enough to stop me, when mentioned singlythey did not seem to be very important. Ward, however, saw that I didnot want to stay, and he was on the point of chucking up the wholething when Dennison said to Mr. Plumb, "You see, some of us arefrightened to death of the dons; it is a fairly rotten state to be in, because we daren't call our lives our own. "

That remark was directed at me, and if I had been sensible I shouldhave taken no notice of it, but unluckily I am one of those wretchedpeople who hate to hear that I am frightened of anybody or anything, and for Dennison to tell Mr. Plumb such silly nonsense made me furious. Of course I said that I would stay, and I saw Dennison wink at Lambert;the brute was for ever scoring off me, he had a most unrighteous way ofgetting what he wanted. 

For some reason or other Bagshaw was always very decent to me, and whenhe heard that Ward, Dennison, Collier, Lambert and I were going tofinish the evening at The Reindeer he asked me to come home in thebrake, but that gibe of Dennison's was heavy upon me and I haddetermined to stick to my promise and do whatever came my way. I didnot expect that the evening was going to be anything but a rowdy one, for when Lambert did undertake a thing he went at it most zealously. First of all he got Ward to wire and ask Bunny Langham to drive overabout ten o'clock and fetch us all back, and then he asked four or fiveof the most comical people in the Burtington team to come to TheReindeer after dinner and help at a smoking concert. All of theBurtington team came and a number of their friends, in fact I shouldthink that nearly all the labourers in the village were entertained byus during the evening. Mr. Plumb began by being very pleased, and theevening ended in what local newspapers call "harmony, " which is themost polite way of saying that any one sang who liked and that thediscord was something terrible. I sang a solo, the first and last timeI have ever done such a thing, but I was rapturously applauded by anaudience who were more kind and thirsty than critical. My song was"Tom Bowling, " at least Ward said it was more like "Tom Bowling" thananything else. 

At half-past ten Bunny Langham had not come, and by some means or otherit was necessary that we should reach Oxford before twelve o'clock. Dennison suggested that we should have a "go-as-you-please" contestback to St. Cuthbert's, but Collier was not disposed to enter for arace in which he was bound to be last, and told us that if we werefools enough to go seven miles in an hour and a half, he would troubleus to rout up some don when we got back to college and say that he hadbeen taken seriously unwell in Burlington, but hoped to be better inthe morning. A man, who called himself a veterinary surgeon, but wasdescribed by Mr. Plumb as a cow-doctor, said he would give Collier acertificate of ill-health; I do not remember from what disease he wassupposed to be suffering. The idea, however, of rushing seven miles ashard as we could was crushed by Lambert, who was in a kind of "coachand four" mood and very abusive. He secured Mr. Plumb and havingpushed him into a corner stated that he required a pair of horses and awagonette, but Mr. Plumb was not in a condition to be addressed interms of authority. His sense of importance had been increasing as theevening went on, and from being a most innocently amusing man he hadbecome an obstinate and bibulous publican. He would have nothing tosay to Lambert and declared that getting to Oxford was our business andthat we ought to have thought about it before. The best thing to dowith such a man was to leave him to the remorse of the followingmorning, but Lambert had an insane desire to talk and, I must admit, aforcible way of talking. There seemed to be a reasonable chance of arow, for Mr. Plumb wasn't without supporters who were as tired of us aswe were of them, but Jack Ward managed to get hold of the cow-doctorand persuaded him to find some vehicle to help us on our way. As soonas Mr. Plumb heard of this he declared that the cow-doctor was takingthe bread out of his mouth, but Ward told him if that was the case heought to have another drink, and after having it he became comatose andunobstructive. 

Finally we started from The Reindeer at eleven o'clock in a lightfarm-cart, Ward and Dennison sitting on the seat with the driver, whileCollier, Lambert and I sat on the floor of the conveyance. Lambert, when not singing Bacchanalian songs, complained of the indignity anddiscomfort of this performance, but I, having taken the precaution ofpropping myself against Collier, who was accustomed to being used as acushion and very kind about it, was more sleepy than uncomfortable. Besides, men who begin to think of being dignified towards midnight area nuisance, so I told Lambert he was a speechless idiot, whichstatement I found to be positively untrue. 

We had reached the outskirts of Oxford, and even Lambert had passedfrom the state of song and abuse to that of sleep, when the cart wasdrawn up with such a jerk that my head collided with Collier's, and Iheard Ward say--

"Why, Bunny, what the blazes are you doing here at this time of night?"and Bunny answered with no unnecessary length, "Walking. "

"But why?" Ward said. 

"Exercise. Any room for another pig in the bottom of that cart?"

"Jump up, quick, " Ward answered, "it is a quarter to twelve, and jollylucky there is a moon or I should have missed you. "

Bunny said that he was not going to hurry for any one, and wasted twoor three valuable minutes before we got him safely into the cart. Hewas in an exceedingly bad temper, and it was only by dint ofinnumerable questions that we found that he had actually started todrive to Burtington and that something disastrous had happened on thejourney. The exact nature of that disaster none of us ever discovered, but what Bunny wished us to believe was that he went to sleep and wasdriven into by a furniture van, and since he had been kind enough tostart to Burtington we should have been a complete set of bounders ifwe had not suppressed Dennison when he said that no one was likely tobelieve such a tale as that. Anybody with a grain of decency could seethat Bunny had been having a very bad time, and though we all thankedhim tremendously when we got out at St. Cuthbert's, and told the driverto take him on to Christchurch as fast as he could, he just sat in thebottom of the cart and said nothing. 

"I am afraid Bunny's ill, " Ward said to me as soon as we got intocollege, and we blamed ourselves for not seeing him to "The House, "though had we done so we could not have got back to St. Cuthbert'suntil a quarter-past twelve. 

On the following morning Ward went round to see Bunny and found himdrinking beer with his breakfast, which was a thing he never dared todo unless he felt aggressively well. Ward lunched with me and saidthat Bunny was all right except that his feelings were in a state ofdisorder. 

"There is only one thing he is conceited about and that is hisdriving, " Ward explained, "and last night he was driving a cob which ababy in arms could steer. Well, Bunny got upset, and is so ashamed ofhimself that he is angry with everybody else. He will be all right bydinner-time if he is left alone. "

CHAPTER XII

THE USE AND ABUSE OF AN ESSAY

The day following the Burtington match was a very peaceful one, but theevening brought with it a disturbance which was altogether unexpected. I was engaged at nine o'clock to read an essay to Mr. Edwardes, and Ihad been so energetic that I had written it two days before, which mademe feel virtuous. The subject of the essay was "Impressions of RomanSociety as gathered from Cicero's Letters, " and I had taken more thanordinary trouble over it, for it was the sort of question which I couldnot answer without definite knowledge. 

I went to Murray's rooms after dinner, and I remember telling him thatI believed I had written something which would persuade my tutor that Ihad at least made an attempt to satisfy him. And Murray, who wasalways trying to keep me out of rows and giving me help when I was inthem, read a little of it, and said that it was ever so much longerthan the one he had written. As length meant work, I was verysatisfied with this remark of his, and I went off to Mr. Edwardes witha feeling that he might be mildly pleased. 

He greeted me coldly and sat down by the side of the table, with hisback almost turned to me; we did not even exchange our opinions aboutthe weather, and he was evidently as anxious for me to begin as I wasto finish. My opening sentence was stamped by my own style. If I saythat no one else would have written it, I only wish to record that noone else would have thought it worth while; I will not quote it, because when I tried to read this essay a year after I had written it, I was struck by the fact that it was altogether too florid forevery-day use. Mr. Edwardes objected strongly to phrases which seemedto me beautifully rounded, and I gave them up slowly as one of my mostcherished possessions. I could not share his feelings about them atthat time, whatever I may think of them now, and they formed a part ofa scheme to make my essays less dull, and what I was fain to think evena little amusing. But apart from my opening sentence I had in thisessay deprived myself of the pleasure of ornate phrasing and been assolid as possible. I had, however, taken great pains over my firstwords. I wished them to convey to Mr. Edwardes that I could stillannoy him if I liked, and afterwards I intended to show him that thoughthis power remained to me I was too kind to use it. These were notperhaps the reasons why I was compelled to write essays, and I doubtwhether he would ever have discovered my scheme even if I had read himwhat I had written. And I never did read it, for after I had finishedthe first sentence and deprived it of much of its effect by getting thestops mixed up, which made me want to read it over again, he turnedround in his chair so quickly that he bumped his arm against the table, and if he had not been a don I should have asked him if he had hurthimself. But as my efforts to please dons by inquiring after theirhealth had not been successful, I went on reading until Mr. Edwardesstood up, and feeling then that something had gone hopelessly wrong, Istopped to look at him. 

I could see that he was exceedingly angry, but why in the world he hadbecome so suddenly afflicted I had not an idea. 

"I do not require to hear any more of that. You may go, " he said, andhe actually pointed to the door. "But--" I began----

"You may go, " he repeated, and since he looked as if he would continuepointing towards the door until I obeyed him, I collected the pages onwhich I had spent so much labour and walked slowly out of the room. Iwas too surprised to say anything more, and I did not even feel likebanging the door. The only thought which occurred to me was that theremust have been something very improper in that cherished sentence, butif my tutor imagined that I took any pleasure in indecencies, or wouldwrite them consciously, I felt that he was a very silly man. I stoppedon the stairs and began reading my essay again; there was simplynothing in the beginning of it which could offend the most inquisitiveand conscientious Mrs. Grundy. It might have bored any one, but theperson who could have blushed at it had not yet been born. 

I was most completely puzzled, and when I went back to my rooms andlaid my rejected essay upon the table, I felt as if the only literatureI wished to see again was the Commination Service. It had often beenmy fate to displease masters and dons, but it was a new experience forme to be turned out of a room without knowing in the least why I wasexpected to go. I came to the unsatisfying conclusion that Edwardeshad gone mad, and I determined to see Murray so that I might tell himwhat had happened; but before I had finished writing a note which hadto be written, both Murray and Foster came into my rooms. 

"Foster has got something to tell you, " Murray said. 

"Not half as much as I have got to tell you, " I answered. 

"I will bet you a shilling you think it more important, and you candecide yourself, " Murray replied. 

I crammed my note into an envelope and looked at Fred, who was gazing, rather stupidly I thought, at a photo of Nina which she had sent me afew days before. 

"How many did you make against Surrey this afternoon?" I asked him. 

Murray began to laugh, which suggested to me that I was asking anawkward question. "Was it another blob?" I inquired. 

"I made a hundred and two, " Foster said, and looked quickly at me andthen again at that wretched photo. I expect he was very anxious not toseem too pleased with himself, but there was no reason why I should notbe as pleased as I liked, and for a minute I forgot all about Mr. Edwardes. I told Fred that he was simply a certainty for his blue, andMurray again seemed to be amused. 

"I have got it, " Fred said quietly, and he stepped away from me, fearing that my delight might be painful to him. 

There is an extraordinarily small choice of things to do when you arevery delighted; just talking seemed to be hopelessly futile, and evenshouting was not satisfactory. But I had to do something, so I openeda bottle of port, which I knew both Fred and Murray disliked, and madethem drink some of it. After Murray had tasted his and congratulatedFred again, he put his glass down by the large bowl which I had boughton my first expedition to the shops of Oxford, and presently fears ofdyspepsia gripped him so furiously that he emptied the wine into thebowl, when he thought I was not looking. It was '63 port given me bymy father, and if he had seen Murray getting rid of it in this way I amsure that there would have been trouble; but I, not being oppressed bya knowledge of vintages, just filled Murray's glass up again and keptan eye on him to see what he would do with it. I might, however, havespared myself the trouble, for he had no intention of pretending todrink two glasses, though he told me afterwards that some curiousimpulse had compelled him to get rid of one, and he had decided that itwould be safer in the bowl than elsewhere. In fact, he wished me tobelieve that he had done this as a compliment to Foster, but I couldnot follow his line of reasoning. 

I sat and talked for a long time about the rottenness of the Cambridgebowling--which, by the way, I had never seen--and the runs Fred wassure to make in the 'Varsity match, until he tried very hard to stop mesaying anything more about cricket, and Murray set me going on anothersubject when he remarked that it had not taken me long to read my essay. 

"Edwardes has gone completely cracked, " I stated. Fred had often heardme express a similar opinion about masters at Cliborough, and was notinclined to think seriously of Edwardes' condition, but Murray hadcuriosity enough to ask me what had happened. "You saw the beginningof my essay, " I said to him, "and there was nothing in it which couldoffend a baby in arms, was there?"

Murray said that as far as he knew I had been most modest, and headded, quite unnecessarily, that the only criticism he had to make uponit was that I had been asked to give Cicero's impression of Romansociety, and had preferred my own. I was not going to set myself upagainst Cicero even to please Murray, so I took no notice of hisremark, and went on with my grievance very slowly, for a grievance doesnot get proper treatment if you spring it upon people; they just say"What a confounded swindle, " and go on talking about their own affairs. I had been badly treated, and I intended to make the most of it, so Idid not mind being a bore if I could extract a little surprise andsympathy from Fred and Murray. 

"I took a lot of trouble over this essay, I changed my style----"

"The first sentence was fairly magnificent; it reminded me of Lambertwalking across the quad, " Murray interrupted me by saying. 

"I wrote that sentence on purpose so that Edwardes might enjoy thecontrast afterwards. "

"There aren't many men who would have thought of that, " Fred said, and, as he was trying to rot me, I agreed with him quite seriously, andadded that I thought it was very kind of me to think so much aboutEdwardes. 

"But didn't he like the contrast?" Murray asked, and I thought the wayhe looked at Fred, as if something was amusing him, was fairly hardupon me. 

"He would have liked it, " I said emphatically, "if I had ever given hima chance. I mean if he had ever given me one. "

"What do you mean?" Fred asked, and I could see that it was time for meto come to the point of my tale. 

"After I had read a sentence and a half, Edwardes hopped out of hischair, glared at me and said he wanted to hear no more. He then kickedme out of the room, and what I want to know is the reason why he didit; and if you two fellows can tell me that instead of grinning liketwo Chinese idols, you will be of some use. " The recital of myill-treatment had made me annoyed with both Fred and Murray. 

Neither of them said anything for a moment, but both of them were, Iregret to say, amused. They missed the serious injustice of my storyaltogether, and though there was some excuse for Fred, who must havefound it difficult to think of anything except his blue, there was noreason why Murray should not do or say something to show how sorry hewas for me. 

"He couldn't have turned you out of the room for that, " was all he said. 

"I tell you he did, and he was angry, very angry. The man has goneutterly and hopelessly cracked; it is just my luck to get a lunatic fora tutor, " I replied, forgetting for the instant that Murray also had ashare in Edwardes. 

"He was sane enough yesterday, " Murray said. 

"Perhaps he is one of those fellows who is affected by the sun, " Fosterput in. 

"There has been precious little sun to-day, " Murray, who was in a mostaggravating mood, declared. 

"I never said anything to him, but just began to read my essay, andthen he jumped on me. I shall complain to the Warden and see what hehas to say about it. I like the Warden, " I added, by way of showingMurray that I could appreciate a reasonable don when I found one. 

Fred said that the whole thing was extraordinarily queer, and thatthere must be some explanation of it; but Murray, after being quiet fora minute, began to fidget like a man who has been puzzling over anacrostic, and is beginning to discover what it is all about. My peopleused to do acrostics, and, when they were completely defeated, I didnot mind being in the same room with them; but, as soon as they gotsome clue, my father fairly ramped around seeking books which he couldnot find, or asking me for information which I could not give him. Hehad the acrostic mania quite badly. 

"I can tell you why Edwardes kicked you out; at least I believe I can, "he said at last. 

"Well, let us have it quick, " I answered. 

"In the common-room the night before last you said that you were goingto town to-day and that you wouldn't be able to read your essay toEdwardes. "

"I was going up to see a dentist, and he wrote that he couldn't seeme, " I replied. 

"And Dennison heard you say that you were going?"

"The silly fool tried to make out that I was manufacturing the dentiststory. He simply makes me sick, but I don't see what he can have to dowith this. "

"Did you see either Dennison or Learoyd in hall to-night?"

"They weren't there, because I heard Webb asking Collier whether he hadseen them. "

"I've never heard of Learoyd, " Foster said, and considering that he hadjust got his blue I am afraid he must have spent a very dull time, forhe was accustomed to see me in trouble, and might reasonably have beenannoyed to find that even on this special evening I was in my usualstate. However, he did not seem to mind very much. 

"Learoyd is Dennison's latest discovery, " I said; "but he has beenfound by the wrong man. "

"He is an exhibitioner and Edwardes is his tutor, " Murray added; "andthis afternoon about six o'clock I met Dennison coming out of here andLearoyd was waiting at the bottom of the staircase. "

"What on earth was Dennison doing in here?" I asked. 

"You aren't much good at guessing, " Murray answered; "but I should saythat having heard that you were not going to read your essay toEdwardes, and Learoyd not having done one to read, Dennison told him hewould borrow yours. I heard you tell Ward that it was just like yourluck to have written an essay when you wouldn't be able to read it, andDennison must have heard you say the same thing. "

"Do you mean that Learoyd had been reading out my stuff two or threehours before I went to Edwardes?" I asked, for port always makes myhead feel stuffy however little I drink, and I wanted everything putquite clearly before me. 

"I should say so, " Murray replied. 

My next remarks do not matter, but as soon as I had passed theexplosive state I said, "That all comes from altering my style, and ifI hadn't Edwardes must have known that it was my essay. "

"Confound your style, " Foster replied, "it seems to me that this islikely to land you in a very fair row unless we do something at once. What sort of man is Learoyd?"

"I hardly knew him until this term, and when I didn't know him I ratherliked him, but he has been about a lot with Dennison, and seems to begoing to the bad as hard as he can be pushed, " I answered. 

"That's true enough, " Murray said; "Learoyd was one of the nicest menup here until this term, and then Dennison took a fancy to him and theidiot has chucked up working and spends his time trying to be a blood. I know his people, and have tried all I know to persuade him that hewill never make a successful blood--he isn't made for one--but I havedone no good. Marten isn't in it with Learoyd for rows with Edwardes, and the worst of it is that if his exhibition was taken away it wouldbe serious. His people are most frightfully hard up. "

"That makes the whole thing a thousand times more complicated, " Ireplied, "I can't give a man away who is in a hole already. I hadbetter sit still and see what happens. "

"I should think you had better go and see Learoyd, " Foster said, "hecan't be in a bigger hole than you are. " He got up to go, and I saidthat I should wire to my people in the morning and tell them he had gothis blue, but he told me that they knew already, and asked me if I hadheard that Nina was coming up during the next week to see the lastnights of the eights. 

"I had a letter from her last night, " he continued, "and she said thatMrs. Marten was going to write to you. "

"Who is coming up with her?" I asked, and I felt that if I never wroteto Nina, there was no reason why she should not write to me. 

"She is going to stay at the Rudolf with the Faulkners. They arecoming next Monday morning, " and having told me this, which he knew Ishould not like, he was kind enough to go away before I told him againwhat I thought of Mrs. Faulkner. For when Fred had been staying withme at home the Faulkners were a fertile source of dispute between us. The Faulkners had plenty of money, nothing to do, and no children; theyentertained a great deal, and had a mania for taking people up, as itis called. I am almost certain that Mrs Faulkner tried to take me uponce, but unfortunately I was expected to run in double harness with afellow who wore a yellow tie and was no use at anything except talking. I put up with him for nearly the whole of an afternoon, until he toldme that an ordinary dahlia, over which he was gushing, reminded him ofthe sun rising over the Hellespont, and that was altogether too muchfor me. I left him and offended Mrs. Faulkner by telling her what Ithought of him, and she told my mother that it was such a pity that Iwas so _gauche_. It took me a long time to forgive her for sayingthat, and I wished Nina was coming to Oxford with some one who did notbother my mother with her opinions. 

I sat and pondered over this visit for some time, while Murray kept ontelling me that Learoyd would be in bed if I did not hurry over to seehim. But what good I could get out of seeing him I could notunderstand, and Murray became quite abusive before I started. 

I knew Learoyd only in the most casual way, and I had never been in hisrooms in my life, so I should not have been disappointed if he had beenout. I found him, however, sitting by himself, and my first impressionwas that he was either very sleepy or very sad, but whatever was thematter with him he could hardly have wanted to see me. He was goodenough, however, to say he was glad that I had come. 

The conversation flagged for two or three minutes until he rousedhimself suddenly. "I have got the most vile attack of the bluesto-night, " he said, "and somehow or other I can't shake them off. " Heseized a decanter of whisky and began pouring some of it into a glass, and then I did one of those things which I do impulsively and which areoccasionally right. I put my hand on his arm and said, "That stuffwill only put them off until to-morrow morning. " He looked at me for amoment and sat down again. "Why does every one preach to me?" heasked. "I shouldn't have thought you were that sort, though you are afriend of Dick Murray's. " He was not angry, but just hopelessly tiredof everything, and he looked so wretched that I felt really sorry forhim. 

"I don't preach, " I answered, "though if I could remember half thethings which have been fired off at me they would make a mighty finesermon. When people take any notice of me they think that I wantlooking after and they begin to do it, the others leave me alone andsay that I shall come to a bad end. "

He was evidently feeling so miserable about everything that I thoughthe might like to hear these dismal prophecies about my future. I eventhought they might cheer him up, and make him see that we were in thesame boat. But I made a mistake, for he was annoyed at the idea thatmy future could possibly be as great a failure as his. 

"You wouldn't say these things if you really thought you were in ahopeless muddle. I have gone through it all this term, and I know. Ihave tried to laugh, and I have drunk until I didn't care whathappened, but it is all no use. I have made a mess of everything, andthere is no one to blame except myself. And then this utterly idioticrow comes on the top of everything. "

He sat looking in front of him, and did not seem to remember that I wasin the room, and the thought passed through my mind that I should beglad to wring Dennison's neck. I asked him twice what row he wastalking about before he spoke. 

"Hasn't Dennison told you?" he asked. "I left him about an hour ago, and he said he would go and see you. I thought that was what you hadcome here for, though of course nothing can be done. "

"I haven't seen Dennison, " I said, and added, "I never do if I can helpit, " for Learoyd's statement that nothing could be done had given me nosatisfaction. 

"You said that you had done an essay for Edwardes which you weren'tgoing to read. I hadn't done mine, so Dennison said you wouldn't mindme using yours. He got it, and I went to Edwardes at six o'clock toread it, but as soon as I started he began to jump about as ifsomething was stinging him, and after I had read about half a page hekicked me out of the room. "

"The man is mad after all, " I said. 

"No, he isn't, I wish he was, " Learoyd continued. "This is whathappened: Collier stayed in his rooms this afternoon to do his essay, but went to sleep, and never woke up until it was too late to do it, and then he remembered that you had one which wanted using so he readit to Edwardes at five o'clock. I wish to goodness he hadn't put itback in your rooms. "

This was too much for me, and although Learoyd looked as miserable asever, I had to laugh. 

"You wouldn't be so amused if you were in for the row I am, " he said, "they will probably take away my exhibition. "

"I am in for exactly the same row, " I answered. "I tried to read thatessay to Edwardes after dinner, and he looked as if he was going tohave a fit. I was out of the room in no time. "

Then Learoyd and I just sat for two or three minutes and laughed untilhe felt ever so much better. 

"What are we to do next?" he asked. "After all, it was your essay. "

"It was no wonder Edwardes jumped about, " I said, "I thought he wasmad. "

"So did I, until I saw Collier. But what are we to do?"

"You say you are in a fairly tight hole, " I replied. 

"Yes, " he said, "I have been in for row after row all this term. "

"Then I won't claim this wretched essay, and it can't matter toCollier, because he hasn't got anything which the dons can take away. "

"What do you mean?" he asked. 

"Why, Collier has got to tell Edwardes he borrowed the thing, and Ishall sit tight, so they will naturally think it is yours. "

"I can't stand that, " he replied. 

"Why not?" I asked. "They won't do anything desperate to me, and ofcourse Collier won't mind at all. "

I talked until I thought that Learoyd saw how much better myarrangement was than anything he could suggest, and although he wouldnot promise to do what I proposed, I thought that I had arrangedeverything when I left him. But Learoyd was not the sort of man whowould get out of a row by sacrificing any one else, and on thefollowing morning both he and Collier went to Edwardes and told himexactly what had happened. It was very nice of them to do it, but itdeprived me of the comfortable feeling of having done Learoyd a reallygood turn, and brought me to the ground again rather too abruptly toplease me. So having been kicked out of the room for nothing, I wentat once to Edwardes and tried to convey to him, as one man would toanother, that I would forget his treatment of me if he would let offCollier and Learoyd, but especially Learoyd, as lightly as possible. That mission of mine, however, was a mistake. Mr. Edwardes said he wasnot in a position to bargain with any undergraduate, and that he had nodoubt that should the dons require my assistance in managing thecollege they would ask me to help them. After I had left him I shouldthink he must have regretted saying such sarcastic things, for Learoydonly got a final warning that his exhibition would be taken away at theend of the term unless he worked properly, and nothing whateverhappened to Collier. But I am afraid Edwardes never gave me the creditfor my essay which I felt that I deserved. 

CHAPTER XIII

NINA COMES TO OXFORD

There can be few men in Oxford who do not enjoy themselves duringEights' Week, and I imagine that the only miserable people to be foundare those who happen to be in an eight which is bumped several timesduring the week. If any one is so misguided that he wants to make astudy of depression I should advise him to take a seat on the barge ofa college which has a very bad eight, and if he waits until the boatcomes back to the barge he will see some of the most unsmiling faces inthe world. 

Rowing is a most serious form of sport, and no one can wonder that acrew which has been bumped is unable to look very cheerful. It seemsto me that a rowing man deserves a lot of credit even if he rows verybadly; indeed I am not sure that the man who rows the worst does notdeserve the most credit, for he has gone through the same drudgery asthe rest of the crew, and has probably been sworn at a thousand timesmore often. I should be very surprised if a rowing man at the end ofso much forcible criticism and strenuous labour could smile when hisboat is bumped. I know that if I had ever been in a boat which hadbeen bumped, and the only reason why I have not been is because I havenever rowed in a bumping race, I should want to hit somebody over thehead with my oar or denounce the cox. Coxes, indeed, have told me thatalthough they have never seen my first wish put into practice, mysecond is such an ordinary occurrence that the cox who has not sufferedfrom it must be either deaf or a genius. And if a reasonable mancannot help being sorry for an eight which has toiled many weeks onlyto be bumped, I think he ought to be far more sorry for the cox, whosecool appearance when the rest of his crew are hot and angry, is initself an aggravation. 

I must say, however, that the only cox I ever knew well could not havefailed to deserve all he ever heard, he was one of those pretentiouslittle people who can only be described by the word "perky, " and hisside was simply terrific. But all the same, if a very small man goesup to Oxford and guesses that it will be his fate to steer slow eightsduring the time he is there, I should advise him to start a society forthe protection of coxes, and elect himself the first president. Hewill not do the slightest good, but he will get some fun from beingpresident, and he will also be able to choose colours for the societyand wear a gorgeous tie, if there is any combination of colours whichhas not already been annexed, and there can't be many left to choosefrom. 

It is the easiest thing in the world to start clubs if all you want toget out of them is a remarkable tie and hatband, and I knew a man--bysight--who started three clubs in two years. The first he called "TheRoysterers, " and they were supposed to dine twice a term in waistcoatsdecorated with R. D. C. Buttons; the second he named "The Oddfish, " aclub which was intended to be eccentric, and from the extraordinarycolours they adopted I should think they were aptly named. Their chieffunction was drinking, and although I never went to any of theircarousals I believe they discharged it thoroughly. The third clubwhich this energetic man founded was not given up to eating anddrinking, but devoted itself to the discussion of moral and artisticsubjects. They called themselves "The Bumble-Bees, " though I nevercould understand the reason why they chose such a name, unless it was, as Murray suggested, that after they had touched a thing there was nosweetness left in it. I should not like to say how many more clubsthis man would have started had he been given the opportunity, but hewas sent down at the end of his second year, and I have met him sincein Florence wearing a Bumble-Bee tie and Oddfish ribbon round hisstraw-hat. I regret to say that he belonged to St. Cuthbert's, and hewas really a nuisance, because there was so strong a feeling againstthese miscellaneous colours during my first summer term that nearly allthe men who could do anything respectably wore black bands on theirstraw-hats, and the effect was most dismal. 

Dennison heard that my sister was coming up for Eights' week, and hetold me calmly that he should like to meet her. I may have imaginedthat he considered this an act of condescension on his part, for Icannot pretend that I was always fair to him. I distrusted him sothoroughly that I never believed a word he said, and the only possibleway for peace between us was for each of us to leave the other alone. But this way did not suit him, for I suppose that I knew too many mento be left out entirely from his consideration, and it seems to me thatit is more annoying for a man to be friendly when you want to havenothing to do with him, than it is for anybody to take no notice of youwhen you would be glad to be his friend. I did not, however, mean tolet Nina meet Dennison, for I never knew whom she might like ordislike, and it would have been a most horrible complication if she hadfallen a victim to Dennison's smile. So I told him that Nina would notbe in Oxford for more than two or three days, and that I did not knowher plans, which was true enough as far as it went, and must have beenenough for him to understand what I meant. 

Although I was useless in a boat, I was always most vigorously excitedduring Eights' week. Three years before I went to Oxford St. Cuthbert's had been head of the river, but we had by slow degreesdwindled down to fifth, and in spite of one or two men who assured methat we had a much better eight than we were thought to have, I knewthat we were more likely to go down than up. Still I am sorry for theman who does not feel his nerves tingle at the prospect of a race, andyou tingle all the more if you do not expect to be beaten, so I triedto forget the general opinion about our eight and to imagine that theboat in front of us was going to have an anxious time. 

Brasenose was head of the river, and after them came New College, Magdalen, and Christ Church; we were fifth, and I took no interest inthe boat behind us, though I did know that it was Trinity. So keen wasI that I resolved to run with our boat if I could get any one to runwith me, and I asked quite half-a-dozen men before I found somebody whowas not looking after his own or somebody else's sisters. The man whosaid he would run with me was Jack Ward, and he surprised me very muchwhen he told me that he would far rather see some of the racing thansit on a barge with a crowd of ladies, and he even consented to run allthe first three nights and then help me to look after Nina when shecame up. He knew, I expect, that I was not likely to run very far, andthat there was no danger of his being left somewhere near Iffley towalk up by himself. 

I have a feeling that if I had to sit in a boat and hear the secondscounted out before the starting-gun is fired that my first stroke wouldbe a most terrific crab. Even standing on the bank is nervous enoughwork, and what it must be like for those who have got to row I cannotimagine. I kept moving about so much before the start that Ward toldme I should be tired before I began to run, but I am unable to keepstill when things are going to happen, and just before the last gunwent I had an inspiration and moved up to the place from which ChristChurch started. By this means I kept up for quite a long way, but itwould be untrue to say I enjoyed myself. We began to gain on ChristChurch at once, and were very soon within half-a-length of them, but Ihad no breath to use for shouting, and not having a rattle I could makeno row at all; moreover I am an erratic runner, so whenever I looked atthe boats I kicked or ran into somebody, and I could not retort whenthey said things to me. I pounded along as far as the Long Bridges, which was really quite a long way, and when I stopped I was sure thatwe should catch Christ Church. I stood away from the path and tried topersuade myself that I was not feeling very unwell, but I waited untilthe crowds with the other boats had passed by, and then I walked asfast as I could up the towing-path. I even ran once, for a short way, because I wanted to get back before all the excitement had stopped onour barge. I felt certain that we were going head of the river, andthat comfortable sensation seemed to improve my wind, but it took mesome time to get up the towing-path. The first disconcerting thing Isaw were a lot of people cheering frantically on what I thought was theTrinity barge, but I did not know all the barges properly, and I cameto the conclusion that whoever had told me that this one belonged toTrinity could not have spoken the truth. So I forced my way up thepath until I got opposite to our barge, and there I found Jack Wardlooking very purple in the face. 

"Did we catch them?" I asked, and I thought that all our men who werewaiting to be punted across to the barge might have made a little morenoise. 

"Catch what?" he said. 

"Why, the House of course, " I answered, for it was not very likely weshould catch any one else. 

"Trinity caught us, " he replied, and as the punt came over at thatmoment he gave a huge shove and managed to get into it. I lookedacross the river and saw a very silent crowd on our barge, so I decidedit was no place for me and walked solidly to the end of the towing-pathand went home over Folly Bridge. It was a long way round, and I cannotimagine any one going back to St. Cuthbert's by such a route if he felthappy. When I saw Jack Ward at dinner I said that I should not run anymore, and he replied that I was a fairly poor sort of sportsman; so Idid run on both Friday and Saturday, and on Saturday night St. Cuthbert's was eighth on the river instead of fifth, and as we couldfind no other excuse we said that our crew was stale, but I am afraidthe truth was that they were fairly fast for about half the course andthen went to pieces. 

I had not told Nina that our eight was a bad one, and what she wouldsay I did not care to think, for she never paid any attention toexcuses, and was rather inclined to consider that I was insulting herpersonally when I was connected with anything which was not successful. At any rate I was thankful that we were still a long way above Oriel, for I knew that Nina would never understand that Oriel had giventhemselves up, more or less, to cricket and soccer, and were not veryafflicted by the fact that their boat was nearly bottom of the river. 

I was sure that when Fred explained things to her she would say, "Butwhy don't you row as well, I should hate to have my college at thebottom?" and this was almost exactly what happened. Fred made aneffort to get out of it by saying that Oriel was only a small collegeand could not be expected to be good at everything, but Nina evidentlythought that it was large enough to have eight men who could row, andshe was not inclined to be pleased with either Fred or me when we wentto the Rudolf and lunched with Mrs. Faulkner on the Monday. It wascharacteristic of Mr. Faulkner that he had not been able to come toOxford, and his chief function in life, as far as I ever discovered it, was to get out of accompanying his wife on her countless expeditions. 

"It seems stupid coming up here to see St. Cuthbert's bumped and Orielnearly last on the river. I understood from Godfrey that St. Cuthbert's had a great reputation for rowing, " Nina said. 

I avoided Fred's eye, for I thought that he might be amused, and toturn the conversation away from a dangerous subject, I took upon myselfto make what seemed to me a wise remark. 

"There are other things to see in Oxford besides the bumping races, " Ianswered. 

Nina sniffed very audibly, but Mrs. Faulkner hastened to the rescue. 

"I think Godfrey is quite right, " she said; "it is disappointing tofind that the colleges in which we are especially interested are sounlucky, but Nina hasn't seen Oxford before, and I am sure she will bedelighted with it;" and Nina, who really could be quite nice when sheliked, forgave Fred and me for the iniquities of our eights, andanswered that she was longing to go out. 

Of course Mrs. Faulkner fell to my lot, and while we walked down theBroad it pleased her to talk about Nina and to make me say that she wasvery pretty. I did think that Nina was not bad-looking, but she was mysister and I should as soon have thought of saying that she waswonderfully pretty, as I should of declaring that there was a strikingresemblance between the Apollo Belvedere and myself, and my imaginationhas never carried me as far as that. As I was not saying much aboutNina Mrs. Faulkner tried to make me talk about myself, but Iinterrupted her. 

"This is St. Cuthbert's, " I said; "shall we go in?"

She looked at me and smiled. "You are really rather extraordinary, Godfrey; if any one tries to flatter you, you shut up like a hedgehog. I am sure you have improved immensely and I am beginning to like youvery much, " she declared. 

I simply detested her at that moment, for when people make remarks likethat I feel as if some one was pouring cold water down my spine, and asI meant to show Nina round St. Cuthbert's I managed to changecompanions in the lodge, and left Fred to listen to the improvements inhimself, which Mrs. Faulkner, with her great gift for romance, was sureto say that she had discovered. 

As soon as I got Nina into the big St. Cuthbert's quad she forgot thatshe had started by almost quarrelling with me. I was born, unfortunately, without a keen eye for beautiful things, and even when Isee something which I like to look at again and again, some scene whichgives you a peaceful feeling or a picture which helps you to forgetthat there is anything ugly in the world, I cannot express myself. When I like anybody I want to tell them so, but once when I saw asplendid sunset in Bavaria and said, "How simply ripping, " my fathertold me not to make a fool of myself, and somehow or other I felt thathe was right. So I was very glad that I had to show Nina the beautiesof St. Cuthbert's while it was her duty to admire them. She had neverbeen inside an Oxford quadrangle before, and though I think any onewith two eyes and a grain of common-sense would say that Oxford isbeautiful, I must admit that Nina saw St. Cuthbert's for the first timeunder the most favourable circumstances possible. She looked at theold walls and the flower-boxes which were outside nearly all thewindows, and did not talk any nonsense about them; even the creepersseemed to be greener than usual in the sunlight of the afternoon. Inthe chapel somebody was playing the organ, which may have been ameretricious effect, but it pleased Nina, and that was all I caredabout. The whole college was most wonderfully peaceful, no one couldimagine that the quadrangle had ever been made hideous by Bacchanalianyells. And I felt proud of it, which was quite a new sensation to me, and I suppose it was Nina's delight that made me see thingsdifferently. I took her to my rooms, which seemed to be small andgloomy enough after the hall and the quadrangle, but she said that theywere far more comfortable than she had expected them to be, and she satdown in the most comfortable of my easy-chairs and looked as if sheintended to stop for ever. I suggested to her that we should go downto the river and see Oriel struggling in the second division, but shedecided that one dose of racing would be enough for her, and said thatFred could take Mrs. Faulkner to the river if she wanted to go. Shehad not been so fond of my society for a long time, and for quite tenminutes, with the aid of cherries, we got on splendidly together. Thenthe conversation languished and I began to show her things which shedid not want to see; it is so very hard to please anybody who does notpretend to like things which they do not like. Nina began to hum atlast, and if there is one noise which I detest it is humming. To makematters worse her tune was one I especially disliked, but as I was herhost I made a gallant attempt not to listen to it. So I whistled, andI expect we had nearly reached a crisis when Mrs. Faulkner and Fredappeared. I was very fond indeed of Nina, and I am sure that she wouldhave been indignant if any one had told her that she was not fond ofme, but when we had not seen each other for some time and were leftalone together we often irritated each other. It was a terriblenuisance, but it is no use denying that I was glad to see Mrs. Faulkneragain, and if any one had told me that such a thing was possible when Ileft her at the lodge I should have denounced him with many words. Icould see that Fred had not been enjoying himself, and while Mrs. Faulkner and Nina were discussing loudly what they should do next, hetold me that he had been asked a perfect fusillade of questions none ofwhich he could answer. "How old is that fig-tree in your garden?" heasked thoughtlessly, and Mrs. Faulkner's attention was turned upon me. 

"What fig-tree?" I asked. 

Fred tittered audibly, and Mrs. Faulkner seemed to forget that only ashort time before she had discovered an immense improvement in me. 

"Do you mean to say that you live close to that beautiful fig-tree anddon't even know of its existence?" she demanded. 

"Oh yes, I know about it, " I answered; "it has stuff put round to keepit warm in the winter, but I have never asked how old it is. You seethe dons more or less monopolize our gardens, so you can't expect us toknow much about them. "

"Notices are put up to say that certain parts of them are reserved forthe dons of the college, aren't they?" Foster said, and he laughedagain, but I said nothing. "I shall tell Nina the tale if you don't, "he added. 

"I should like to hear something amusing, " Nina said, as if there wasnot the slightest chance of her wish being gratified. 

"It's not very funny, " I began, for I had a feeling that Mrs. Faulknerwould not like this tale. 

"Well, anything's better than nothing, " Nina declared wisely, and so, to pacify her, I continued. 

"These notices annoyed some men, so they dug a hole and bought a largesort of milk-pail arrangement to fit into it and a box of sardines. Then we filled the pail with water and put in the sardines, and JackWard put up a little notice, 'This fishing is reserved for the dons ofthe college. Licences may be obtained at the lodge. ' The dons shouldnot be so greedy about the garden, " I added, because Mrs. Faulknerlooked very disgusted. 

"Did you really make a large hole in that beautiful turf?" she asked atonce. "You began in the third person, but I expect you and this Mr. Ward did it; you ought to have been rusticated, or whatever the wordis. "

"We were never found out, and the dons didn't mind; they thought it nota bad joke of its kind, " I answered. 

"Then their sense of humour must have become perverted, " she replied. "I think Mr. Ward must have a very bad influence over you. "

Nina laughed and said she insisted upon meeting Jack. 

"I sincerely hope you won't do anything of the kind, " Mrs. Faulknerstated. "The dons must know what is best for the undergraduates, andsuch tricks are very unbecoming; I am sure my husband always admittedthis when he was at Cambridge. "

It was hardly fair to pull in Mr. Faulkner, so I said that I would getsome tea, which put an end to the discussion, for I did not think itwise to say that I had asked Jack to meet Nina at luncheon on thefollowing day. By the time we had finished tea Fred was tired of Mrs. Faulkner, and he slipped off with Nina in a way which was really tooclever to be very nice. Mrs. Faulkner, however, was quite amiable, andshe smiled on me steadily from the beginning of the Broad Walk to theend of it, which as a feat of endurance I feel it my duty to mention. 

When we got down to the river the band was playing on the 'Varsitybarge, and Mrs. Faulkner really began to enjoy herself. The flagsflying from all the barges pleased her, and the smartness of the ladiesmade her compare the scene to church parade on a June morning in HydePark. I knew nothing about church parades and very little about HydePark, but I said that I thought this must beat anything in London. Then I got a chair for her and looked round to find Nina and Fred, butas I could not see them anywhere, I said that I must go and hunt forthem. Mrs. Faulkner, however, had no intention of letting me go, and Ihad to be a kind of Baedeker for over half-an-hour. I was not a verygood Baedeker, I confess, but I had found out that one way to makethings uncomfortable with this lady was not to answer every questionshe asked, so I supplied her with a good deal of information which Isincerely hope she never passed on to any one else. Unfortunately ourbarge is near the 'Varsity's, and during the races a string of littleflags fly from the 'Varsity barge to show the order of the colleges onthe river. I knew them well enough down to ours, and I even knew theninth and tenth, but when Mrs. Faulkner wanted to know the whole lot, Ihad to use my imagination. I know that I said Hertford twice and Ifinished up with All Souls, who only have about three undergraduates, so if they had rowed at all they would have been several men short. 

"I should like to write the colleges down if I had a pencil, " she said;"you rattle them off so fast. Didn't you say that one flag belonged tothe University, but the University flag is surely dark blue?"

And then I had to explain that University was a college and not thewhole place, and she replied that she knew so much more about Cambridgethan Oxford, and complained that our colleges had very confusing names. "Oriel!" she said scornfully, "it reminds me of a window, and then youhave no originality. Exeter, Worcester, Lincoln, why they are justnames of towns, you can find them all in Bradshaw. "

"Well, at any rate Bradshaw's got nothing to do with it, " I replied. "These colleges are hundreds of years old, and Bradshaw's a chickencompared with them. "

"What dreadful slang. Fancy calling Bradshaw a chicken!" sheexclaimed. "Besides, you have a college called Keble, and my fatherknew Dr. Keble, so that _can't_ be hundreds of years old. No, Cambridge have chosen their names better than Oxford. "

"Sidney Sussex, " I said, for I thought it necessary to make some reply;"it's more like the name of one of Ouida's heroes than a college. "

She shook her head gently. "I can't get over your colleges soundinglike railway-stations, " she answered. 

"You must blame the bishops who founded them and not Bradshaw or me, " Ireplied, for I was getting very tired. 

"Some one told me Keble is built of red-brick, " she said. 

"Red-brick is so bright, " I answered, but I wanted to say somethingquite different, and at last a dim noise which quickly developed into atremendous roar told us that the boats were coming. 

Brasenose paddled home first, and not one of the next six boats were inany danger of being caught. It was reserved for us and Merton to givethe people on the barges some excitement, but when I saw Mertonpressing us fearfully I wished that I was not hemmed in by a crowd ofladies. I yelled tremendously because I could not help myself, andMrs. Faulkner, after saying something which I did not catch, put herhands over her ears. But shouting was useless. The abominable thinghappened right in front of our barge, and when I saw our cox's hand goup to show that all was over, it was a very bad moment indeed. 

"Poor St. Cuthbert's, how very unfortunate they are, " I heard a girlsay; and some one else answered, "Yes, it's quite pathetic, sodifferent from what one used to expect from them, but I am told thatthey are not the college they were. " That remark made me feel furious, and it was not until Mrs. Faulkner pulled my coat violently that Iremembered that she was sitting close to me. 

"Did you make a bump?" I heard her asking me. 

"No, Merton bumped us. We shall soon be sandwich boat, " I answered, for I spoke without thinking. 

"Sandwich boat, my dear Godfrey, is this a picnic?" she returned, and Idid not know whether she was serious or only trying to be funny. 

"There's not much picnic about it, " I replied; "we've gone down fourplaces in four nights. "

"But what is a sandwich boat. They don't have such things atCambridge. "

"They do, at any rate my cousin rowed eight times in four nights andnearly died after it. A sandwich boat is bottom of one division andtop of the other, so it has got to row in both; it's got nothing to dowith ham. Shall we go?"

Every one was leaving the barges, but Mrs. Faulkner remained in herchair. 

"Isn't that girl in mauve a perfect dream?" she said to me, but Ipretended not to hear. I had to wait for several minutes while dressesand the people who wore them were criticized, and I am sure thatnothing but the National Anthem or force could have stirred Mrs. Faulkner from her seat. 

We found Nina and Fred waiting for us, and Nina said she had beenhaving a splendid time on the Oriel barge. But I could think ofnothing except that we were not the college we used to be, and I leftFred to talk to both Mrs. Faulkner and Nina. 

CHAPTER XIV

GUIDE, HOST AND NURSE

When I got back to my rooms after leaving Mrs. Faulkner and Nina Ifound a note from Owen asking me to go and see him at once. Since hehad, until then, avoided me in every possible way I guessed thatsomething serious had happened, and when I got to his rooms in LomaxStreet, I found him in bed with a cough which ought to have frightenedhis landlady instead of making her in a very bad temper. He was, however, more worried about the interruption to his reading thananxious about himself, and he said flatly that he could not afford tohave a doctor. I tried to cheer him up--but you can't cheer up a manwith a cough--and I told him I would come to him whenever he wanted me, and made him promise he would send for me if I could do anything forhim. He did not seem to have a single friend in Oxford, and theloneliness of the man made me feel absolutely wretched. 

I went to a very confidential chemist who knew nearly every man who hadever been at Oxford, and everything under the sun, and explained to himwhat sort of cough Owen had. He understood instantly, and said that hewould send a mixture which worked miracles, but I could not get Owenoff my mind at once, and when Jack Ward came in very late to see me Isat up talking to him until a most unrighteous hour, with the resultthat I lay in bed the next morning until I was perfectly tired of myscout coming to call me. 

A letter from my mother was on my table in which she said that I was onno account to allow Nina to interrupt my reading, but I had only justfinished breakfast, when Mrs. Faulkner and Nina came into my rooms. Mrs. Faulkner fixed her eyes on the tea-pot and said nothing; Nina, however, asked if everybody in Oxford breakfasted at eleven o'clock. Ihad not expected them, and was consequently a little flurried; thetruth is that I was not properly dressed, which handicapped mymovements considerably. Decency compelled me to keep my legs under thetable, until I could slip into my bedder. I was not in a condition totreat visitors who goaded at my laziness with any courage; tact was theonly thing possible. In my agitation I did not notice that Nina hadput on the clock quite twenty minutes, and when she asked me if I wasgoing to sit in front of the marmalade for the rest of the day, I hadto reply that I thought it was rather a good place to sit. I hadmanaged to hide myself behind the table-cloth when I stood up to wishthem good-morning, but I simply did not dare to move again. 

Mrs. Faulkner fluttered round the room looking at photographs; the bareknees of the Rugger XV. Compelled her to say that she did not thinkthem at all nice. I put my legs farther under the table and felt likeblushing. She began to suspect that I was hiding something, and I amafraid she was the sort of woman who did not understand, until she haddiscovered them, that there are some things which had better remainhidden. She tried little tricks to entice me from my seat, and evencame and examined the table-cloth, which was ordinary enough, thoughshe said it was a beautiful one. I did not see how a white table-clothcould be beautiful, but I clutched it most fervently and her rusefailed. She then asked me if a plate which had costelevenpence-farthing was Wedgwood, and asked me to take it off the wallso that she might see the mark on the back. I told her I had bought itat the Japanese shop and mentioned the sum it cost, but she declaredthat I had got a bargain and she must have it down. I replied that itwas a fixture, though I meant that I was, and that no one had ever beenknown to find a bargain in a Japanese shop. Then she grew plaintive;"I think you might please me in this, Godfrey, " she said. 

The time had come for me to take Nina into my confidence. Mrs. Faulkner's eyes were fixed on the plate and her back was turned to me;I poked out one leg tentatively and Nina understood. There was onesplendid thing about Nina, you could always rely upon her in a crisis. She took up a chair at once and said that she would get the plate down;she added that unless I sat still after meals I might have very badindigestion, but that was too much for Mrs. Faulkner. 

"I shouldn't think Godfrey has had indigestion in his life, " she said. "I don't believe he has ever heard of pepsine. He is in adisgracefully bad temper; there is nothing else the matter with him asfar as I can see. "

"He was a very delicate child, " Nina answered, "and has always beenquite disgracefully spoilt. He never does anything which he doesn'tlike. " I felt that Nina was over-playing her part, but I could notdefend myself. 

"It is so nice having Nina here to do things for me, " I said meekly;"and I hope you don't mind me treating you as if you are a relation, " Iadded to Mrs. Faulkner. 

"I do mind very much; nothing is an excuse for being lazy andill-natured. I was brought up in the old school, I suppose, " sheanswered, and I wished to goodness she had never left it. 

Nina got up on the chair and pretended that she could not reach theplate. 

"Now if you stood up here you could reach it, " she said, turning roundto Mrs. Faulkner. 

"But Godfrey will surely not allow me to do that, " she replied. 

"I always said that you were taller than Nina, " I could not helpremarking, for Nina prided herself on being about three inches tallerthan she was; and she had said all sorts of things about me. 

"I wonder if I could reach the plate, " Mrs. Faulkner said. 

"It would be rather a sporting thing to try, " I answered. "Ninacouldn't reach it. "

"I think not, " she returned; "I might fall over backwards. " And shesat down carefully in my biggest arm-chair. 

My scout came in to clear away breakfast, and the situation wasdesperate. I picked up a piece of toast hastily and told him to comeback in half-an-hour. Mrs. Faulkner had taken her seat behind me, andI could only turn with difficulty to talk to her; while Nina'senthusiasm on my behalf seemed to have waned since her plot to get Mrs. Faulkner on the chair had failed. If I had only dressed the lower partof myself properly instead of the top part it would not have matteredso much, but as it was a collar and a St. Cuthbert's XI. Tie weresuperfluous when other more necessary garments were lacking. I was onthe point of throwing myself upon the mercy of Mrs. Faulkner and ofexplaining to her that a lot of men I knew wore very short pyjamatrousers and no socks in the mornings if they intended to read, whenMurray burst into my rooms and almost asked me why I had cut a lecturebefore he saw that I had visitors. 

I introduced him, and in the same breath declared that he would bedelighted to show his rooms. I was becoming reckless, and did not careif he thought me mad. I went on to say that he had some splendidprints which Mrs. Faulkner would like to see, and Nina was kind enoughto ask him if he would mind very much if they invaded his rooms. Hesaw that something odd was happening; but Mrs. Faulkner was looking atme, and I could make only one sign to him. I reached as far as I couldunder the table and having kicked off a bedroom slipper, I stuck outenough toes to tell him as much as he wanted to know. 

"Will you come?" he asked Mrs. Faulkner. "I am afraid I have only oneprint; but I should like you to see my rooms. "

Mrs. Faulkner said that she would be delighted. 

"Let us all go, " she added; "I am sure Godfrey has been sitting longenough at that table. "

"I will be with you in two minutes, " I answered. 

Murray stood aside for them to go out, and closed the door behind him, and I fairly bolted into my bedroom. But in two minutes I was dressedand able to go to Murray's rooms, armed with the most beautifulsuggestions for spending the day. 

"Will your digestion really allow you to walk about so soon?" Mrs. Faulkner asked. 

"He never has anything the matter with him, " Murray said, with all thethoughtlessness of a dyspeptic. "He used to eat huge lunches, and thenplay footer; there's not much wrong with a man like that. "

"You don't know what I have suffered in secret, " I replied; and Ninanow that I was clothed again turned upon me and said, "Have you knownhim all these years and not found that out, Mrs. Faulkner?"

"There is a good deal about Godfrey that I don't quite understand, " wasthe answer, and since I could not wonder at that, I begged to beallowed to take her wherever she wished to go. 

We strolled about Oxford until lunch-time, and I answered everyquestion asked me, and most of my answers were accurate. For I hadbeen careful enough to take an Oxford guide-book to bed with me, andhad not entirely wasted the early morning. In fact Mrs. Faulkner'svisit forced me to see that I knew very little about Oxford. Myguide-book knowledge was so condensed that it was more satisfying thansatisfactory, and if I had been asked what I charged per hour, I shouldhave had no right to be angry. 

However, I did march Mrs. Faulkner and Nina round some of the sights ofthe place. I showed them the Bodleian, All Souls, Shelley's memorial, and finally brought them to a shady seat in Addison's Walk. I had beencompelled to hurry for two reasons; in the first place we had not verymuch time, and secondly, my knowledge was not proof against the stringof questions which only want of breath could stop Mrs. Faulkner fromasking. I should imagine that a large number of men never find out howgreat their ignorance of Oxford is until they have to show people roundit, and I candidly confess that on this day I was ashamed of myself. Iwas more at home in Addison's Walk than in any other place to which Ihad taken them, for it was in the open air, and also there wassomething about Addison and Steele and Gay which made me like them. The coffee-houses at which they met must have had some mysteriousattraction for me, I think, and led me on to read what they hadwritten. I should have liked to have Sir Roger de Coverley for myuncle, and I cannot imagine a nicer man to have a day's fishing withthan Will Wimble. I hated Pope as much as I liked Addison, and thoughMrs. Faulkner said he was a great satirist, I thought of him only as aman who wrote most disagreeable things about his friends. 

"It is necessary to separate the man from his work, if you are to be agood critic, " Mrs. Faulkner said, and though this remark may be trueenough I did not answer it, for Nina was looking extremely bored by theconversation we had been having about Addison. 

"We may as well go to Oriel and find Fred, " I suggested, and Nina gotup at once. 

"Unfortunately the art of satire is dead, drowned by exaggeration, "Mrs. Faulkner said as we went through the cloisters. 

"I think it's a better death than it deserves, don't you, Nina?" Ireplied. 

"I know nothing whatever about it, " she answered. 

"Abuse has taken the place of satire, " Mrs. Faulkner continued. 

"And a jolly good job, too, " I said, for Nina's face of disgust made meforget to whom I was talking; "it is those sly digs in the ribs whichmake me ill. "

"My dear Godfrey, what dreadful slang you use. A few minutes ago yousurprised me by being interested in English literature, and now youtalk as if there had never been such a thing. "

"You surprised me, too, " I said, for I felt as if I had concealedenough for one day. 

"How? Do tell me, " Mrs. Faulkner said quickly. 

"I should not have thought that you cared about Addison or any of thoseold people, " I answered, but I began to wish I had been more cautious. 

"Why not?"

"Oh, I don't know. "

"But, why not?"

"Well, I thought you were more modern. "

"I don't know what you mean, " she said. 

"I am sure I don't, " I answered; and as we passed Long Wall Street Imanaged to get on the far side of Nina, and to beseech her to saysomething. 

"I insist on you telling me what you mean, " I heard Mrs. Faulkner say, but before I could even think of my answer Nina had come to my rescueby declaring that she admired the hat of a girl who was walking infront of us. It was a flower-garden hat, and looked more like anadvertisement for somebody's seeds than a decent covering for the head. Nina's remark, however, turned Mrs. Faulkner's attention away from me, and we listened to a lecture on taste until we were safely in Oriel. 

But Fred was not forthcoming, and Mrs. Faulkner promptly decided thathe was working. Comparisons, in which I took no kind of interest, weredrawn between his industry and my laziness. I endured them in silence, though I could have given Fred away had I liked, for his cap and gownwere both in his rooms, and I knew that he was more probably batting ina net than taking notes at a lecture. 

After looking round Oriel, Mrs. Faulkner and Nina went back to theRudolf, and I said that I must go to St. Cuthbert's and see that theirluncheon had not been forgotten. Mrs. Faulkner smiled at mesorrowfully when I left her, and I believe she intended me to believethat I had hurt her feelings very much. If I live to threescore yearsand ten I shall not understand Mrs. Faulkner. I felt very botheredthat morning, for Nina and Mrs. Faulkner would not be in a good temperat the same time; but I met Dennison in the quad, who introduced me tohis mother, two sisters, two cousins and an aunt. He looked quitetired, and asked me to luncheon, but unless he had engaged the biggestroom at the Sceptre I should think he must have been glad when Irefused. He was, however, most palpably short of men. I had hardlygot rid of Dennison when I ran into Lambert, escorting four more ladieswith prodigiously long names; I think he must have found them at thetheatre, and he looked more pleased with himself than ever. When I gotback to my rooms I felt quite thankful that my party had not reached anunwieldy size, and I had not to wait long before Mrs. Faulkner, Ninaand Fred all arrived together. 

It is no use trying to give a luncheon party in a very small room, which was not built for parties of any kind, unless every one isprepared to be thoroughly uncomfortable. You have got to put disheswherever they will go and worry through as best you can. I had takenquite a lot of trouble over the food, and the size of the room was notmy fault. My scout had made many subtle dispositions of furniture, butthe fact remained that the table was not made to hold five people, unless the whole lot were really good sorts. So I was delighted tofind that Mrs. Faulkner was in her amiable mood and to hear her saythat she was prepared for anything, though had I not been so sure thatshe would be inconvenienced, not to say squashed, before she finished, I am not sure that I should have accepted this reckless mood as much ofa compliment. The table was so crowded that it was not easy to see howmany people were expected to sit at it, and I was not surprised whenNina suggested that we should begin luncheon. I pretended not to hearwhat she said, and poked my head into a cupboard in the vain hope thatI might find something which I did not know I had lost. Mrs. Faulkner, however, ranged herself by the table and counted the napkins. 

"Five, " I heard her say, and I withdrew my head from the cupboard andwhispered "Jack Ward" to Nina. 

"Five, " Mrs. Faulkner repeated and looked at Nina, Fred and me, as ifshe was holding a roll-call. 

"Who's the fifth?" Fred asked; "at any rate, I vote we begin. "

At that moment I heard some one rushing up-stairs several steps at atime. Outside my door he stopped to get some breath, and when Iintroduced him to Mrs. Faulkner and Nina he was so apologetic for beinglate that it was quite difficult for me to stop him. I must say thatMrs. Faulkner tried to adapt herself to the spirit of this luncheon. There was not much shyness about Jack Ward, and in a very few minutesMrs. Faulkner was fairly beaming upon him. She found out that she knewhis cousins, and Jack, who would say anything to please any lady, declared that he had often heard of her. As he asked me afterwardswhat her name was, I had to tell him that he was a regular humbug, buthe said that he was sure that she was the kind of lady who liked tothink she was never forgotten, and it was a pity to miss a harmlesschance of making her feel pleased. 

At first I think Jack made her almost too pleased, and later on therewas rather a distinct reaction. She was not content with discoveringhis cousins, but also found out that his father was what she called amost generous benefactor. "The sort of man who does so much goodquietly, so unlike those noisy, discomforting people who will givesomething if somebody will give something else. Charity ought not tobe limited by conditions, " I heard her say. 

"I don't think my father exactly throws his money about, " Jack said. 

"I am sure he doesn't, " Mrs. Faulkner agreed readily. 

"I mean that if he gives a lot away he expects to make a lot besides. He is a business man, you see, " Jack returned. 

"Business men are the backbone of England, " Mrs. Faulkner said at once. 

"But they aren't heroes or anybody of that kind, " Jack answered. 

Mrs. Faulkner shook her head sorrowfully. "You young men are allalike, you will never allow your parents to have any virtues. "

I was on the point of breaking a silence which had been extraordinarilyprolonged, but Jack got ahead of me. 

"I know every one is always saying that, " he began, "but I don't thinkit is true. If you praised my father for being generous he wouldsimply laugh at you. He isn't built that way, you see, and he wouldthink anybody a fool who gave a tremendous lot without hoping to getsomething back. It is a matter of business with him and he is honestenough to admit it. "

"You do allow that he is honest, " Mrs. Faulkner put in. 

"Of course, " Jack replied quite good-temperedly, "only no one cares tobrag about their relations unless they want to be called a snob or abore. It wouldn't do, you see, for a man to go about declaring that hehad an uncle who was miles ahead of everybody else's uncle, or an auntwho could give a start to any other aunt in the world. "

"It depends upon what sort of start the aunt gave, " Nina, who had beentalking to Fred, remarked, and I knew by her smile that she intendedthis for humour; but Fred did not hear what she said, or I expect hewould have laughed. Sometimes he was very weak with Nina. 

"I am to believe then, " Mrs. Faulkner said, "that all of you are veryproud of your parents, only it is what you call bad form to admit it. "

Jack gave a great laugh which made everything rattle on the table, andMrs. Faulkner, being unaccustomed to him, looked surprised. 

"Why is it such a joke?" she asked. 

"I am sorry, " Jack replied; "I laugh sometimes quite unexpectedly, inmy bath and places like that. I think my nerves must be wrong. "

"Cigarettes, " Mrs. Faulkner declared. "I think I shall write to thepapers about the University man of the day; I don't understand him inthe least, " and I unfortunately caught Fred's eye and smiled. Herstatement seemed to account for so much unnecessary correspondence. 

"Do, " Jack answered, "and Foster, Godfrey and I will answer it. "

"There wouldn't be much to write, which any one who hasn't been atCambridge or here would believe, " Fred said. 

"Why not?" Mrs. Faulkner asked. 

"Because they wouldn't understand that a great many men amusethemselves in odd ways and yet are not complete idiots. If you saw usdancing round a bonfire you might think we were all mad, but we aren'ta bit. "

"I shouldn't choose a bonfire to dance round, " Mrs. Faulkner said. 

"That's just it, " Fred replied; "but it's very good sport when youhappen to like it. "

The college messenger came into the room with a note for me which wasmarked "urgent, " and I asked if I might read it. Jack Ward was theonly man who ever wanted me in a hurry, and so confident was I in theinfallibility of my chemist that I was not thinking of Owen. When Ihad finished reading the note I found that the conversation had taken amore lively turn. 

"It is so fortunate I brought something fit to wear, " Mrs. Faulkner wassaying. 

"I have only got four tickets, I wish I had got one for you, " Fred saidto Jack Ward, and then I remembered that Fred had promised to gettickets for the Brasenose ball which was taking place that evening. 

"You can have mine, " I told Jack Ward. 

"Of course I can't do that, " Jack answered; "I expect I can get one allright, if I may join you. "

Nina, who was nothing if not expeditious, said that he had better go atonce and see if he could get a ticket, but I stopped him by repeatingthat he could have mine. 

"It won't be used unless you take it, " I added. 

Every one except Fred, who saw that something had happened, led me tobelieve that I was very disagreeable and foolish. 

"We arranged last night that we should go if Fred could get thetickets, " Nina said, and then by way of propitiating me she told methat I knew how well I danced. 

"You will spoil Nina's evening, " Mrs. Faulkner declared, and Nina, Imust say, was pouting most magnificently. 

"Why can't you come?" she asked. "Has it got anything to do with thatwretched note?"

"Not another row?" Jack Ward put in most inconsiderately. 

"Fred never said anything about it till too late, " I answered; "he keptthe whole thing so dark. "

"I knew before luncheon, " Nina replied, as if she had settled mecompletely. 

I managed to let Fred know that I wanted him to read the note, andhaving opened the Oxford "Mag" no one saw that he had got the letterinside the pages. For a minute I persuaded Jack steadfastly to take myticket and he refused with determination. If it had not been that Ninawas upset very easily, and Mrs. Faulkner had been known to havehysteria without giving any one a moment's notice, I would havebrandished the note in their faces instead of standing first on one legand then on the other and looking a most hopeless fool. 

I did not know what to say next, when Fred put down the magazine andjoined us by the window. 

"If you can't well manage to come to-night, " he said, "and it was mostawfully stupid of me not to tell you at once that we were going, I amsure Ward will have this ticket, " and he pulled it out of his pocketand simply made Jack take it. 

"I don't really think I can go, though I will turn up if I can, " Isaid, and Fred made the most of my promise and talked so much thatbefore I had to say anything else I found that he had persuaded Mrs. Faulkner and Nina to go down to the river and watch Oriel rowing in theearlier division. I went with them as far as the college lodge andthen I disappeared, for the note which I had received upset all myhopes of enjoying myself for the rest of the day. 

The first part of it was from Owen, who said he was feeling dreadfullyill, but the second part was written by his landlady, and she seemed tobe in a terrible temper. As far as I could make out Owen was very muchworse and still refused to have a doctor. "He says, " his landladywrote, "that if I send for a physician he won't pay him and I was uplast night five times and who is going to stand it cough he coughssomething awful and what's going to happen I don't know I expect he'sgot typhoid fever or something horrible. " She did not use any stops, but that might have been because she was in a hurry; clearly, however, she was very angry, and there was only one thing for me to do. 

I went round to Lomax Street as fast as I could, and I had no soonergot inside the house then I heard Owen coughing. I found his landladyin the state her letter had suggested I should find her, she wasinfinitely more sorry for herself than she was for Owen, and since hewas too ill for her to get any satisfaction from visiting her grievanceupon him she started off upon me. 

"You are his friend, " she said as she met me in the passage, "and youought to have been here before. I was just doing myself up beforeputting on my bonnet to go out and report this case. "

"To whom were you going to report it?" I asked, for I felt very much asif I should like to know. 

"You can report it now, I put all responsibility upon you, " she statedloudly, and she took me up-stairs and announced me in a voice whichwould have shaken the nerves of a strong man. I could not put up withher any longer and I told her abruptly to go. She went energetically, her shoulders protesting against my rudeness, and she marched down thestairs with as much noise as she could make without hurting her feet. I am glad that there are very few landladies left, at least in Oxford, who look upon any illness as an opportunity for showing how nasty theycan be. I simply hated that woman, and before I had done with her Iwas weak enough to tell her so. I was defeated in that battle of plainspeaking. To me, unaccustomed to illness, Owen looked as bad as anyonecould look, and apart from his cough and his temperature he had got allsorts of worries on his mind which he wanted me to hear. I listened towhat he said without interrupting him, but I was impressed with thefact that I must creep about a sick-room, and I am afraid I wasostentatiously quiet. His troubles had to do with the expenses of hisillness, and he beseeched me not to send for a doctor or a nurse. Itried to set his mind at rest, but I failed; he saw that I thought himvery ill, and when I moved round the room on tiptoe he asked me to makeas much noise as I liked. I was no use as a sick nurse, and my effortsto make the room look fit to live in, though meant splendidly, seemedto me to make the place more uncomfortable and cheerless than ever. 

I promised faithfully that I would stay with him during the night, buthe could not make me say that I would not see a doctor, and as soon asI could I went off and got a man whom I had once met at a smokingconceit. This doctor was a bustling little man who did not sympathizewith nonsense, and I had to explain a lot of things before I made himunderstand that this was a peculiar case. 

"What is the good of you sitting up all night, even if it isnecessary, " he said to me as we walked from his house to Lomax Street;"you would certainly go to sleep and do more harm than good. "

"Owen has a fairly bad cough, " I answered. 

"If it is bad enough to keep you awake he ought to have a proper nurse. "

"He doesn't want to have a proper nurse, he is rather hard up, " I said. 

"Pish, " was his only answer, but when he got to Owen's rooms I shouldthink he must have known that I had spoken the truth. 

I got leave from the Subby to stay with Owen during the night, but Icannot say that I was a successful nurse. I took some books with mebecause I thought it would be a good opportunity to do some reading, but of course I went to sleep, and woke up with a snort which wouldhave made me unpopular in any dormitory in the world. Owen was so muchworse in the morning that he had to be moved out of his wretchedlodgings into a place where he would be properly looked after. 

I went back to St. Cuthbert's about eleven o'clock in a state ofhorrible depression. I had promised to pay all the expenses of thisillness, and how I was to do it I had not an idea. The year was nearlyover and my funds were exceedingly low, but I could not help makingOwen believe that I had more money than I knew how to spend. 

Outside St. Cuthbert's I met Mrs. Faulkner and Nina, and while Mrs. Faulkner was commenting upon my dejected appearance Nina told mefrankly that I looked dirty. 

"I have been up all night, " I said, for there was no longer any reasonwhy I should not explain what had happened. 

"We were not in bed until four o'clock, " Nina answered proudly. 

"What have you been doing?" Mrs. Faulkner asked. 

"I have been nursing a man who is ill, " I replied. 

"Infectious?" Mrs. Faulkner asked breathlessly. 

"Pneumonia, double pneumonia, I believe, " I answered. 

"And you heard about it yesterday afternoon?" Nina said. 

"Yes. "

"Then why didn't you tell us?" Mrs. Faulkner asked. "Fred and Ninahave been quarrelling about you, and I have said the most awful things. You really might have more consideration. "

"I thought it would spoil your dance if I told you; I didn't know whatwas the matter with the man. "

"You are a dear, Godfrey, " Nina said, and she linked her arm in mine. 

"I am an idiot if you want to call me any names, " I replied. 

"You were always that, " Nina said in the manner which is calledplayful; "we are just going to see Mr. Ward, who is perfectly charming;won't you come with us?"

"I am going to have a bath, and then I must see Fred. "

Nina looked displeased. 

"What's the matter with Fred?" I asked. 

"He's as perfect as usual, " Nina answered, and swung her parasol toshow that she was not interested in him. 

"We are blocking the street, and you nearly hit a man in the eye withthat thing, " I said. 

"You will be in a better temper when you are cleaner, " Nina retorted. 

"We go down at 4. 15, " Mrs. Faulkner said as we went into the lodge; "weare going on some river, the one that isn't deep, in a punt with Mr. Ward, and he is taking luncheon for us. Do you think it is quite safe, Godfrey?"

"Quite, if Nina doesn't try to punt, " I answered. 

"Must we go away this afternoon?" Nina asked. 

"My dear, I have three, if not four, people arriving to-night, " Mrs. Faulkner replied. 

"I will be at the station to see you off, " I said, for even if theywanted me I did not feel like punting on the Cherwell. 

I pointed out Jack Ward's rooms to Nina, and had walked half-way acrossthe quad when Mrs. Faulkner called me back. 

"I hope your friend is better?" she asked. 

"He has only just begun to be ill, " I answered. 

CHAPTER XV

MISHAPS

After I had been to my rooms and had a bath I went round to Oriel tosee Fred, but he was not in his rooms, so I left a note to tell himthat he must come to luncheon with me. Then I rushed back to St. Cuthbert's and went to hear Mr. Edwardes lecturing. I missed thebeginning of the lecture, and I might just as well have stayed awayaltogether, for Mr. Edwardes asked me to speak to him at the end of it, though what he meant was that he was going to speak while I was tolisten. Grave things were happening, at least I thought them grave, and Mr. Edwardes had nothing whatever to do with them. While he talkedto me I was trying by a process of mental arithmetic to discover howmuch money I had to my credit in the bank; the voice which I heardseemed to me to belong to bygone ages, and I was so worried by actualand present facts that I could not screw up a vestige of interest inantiquities. I know that it was always my fate to arouse either theirony or the anger of my tutor, for to other men he was far morepleasant than he was to me, but I could not help thinking of him asrepresentative of a system which could never influence me in the least. He soon discovered that I was paying no attention to him, and I supposethat I must have got most vigorously on his nerves, for he reallybecame quite humanly angry, I must have been nearer to an understandingwith him at that moment than I had ever been. But when his rageabated, his lips snapped and the thunderbolts ceased. He went on toolong and became sarcastic again, as if ashamed of being properly angry, and I left him with the usual hopeless feeling that we should neverunderstand each other. 

I went into the common room as I was crossing the quad, and before Ihad been there two minutes Dennison came in with Lambert and two orthree other men of their set. No one else was in the room exceptMurray, who was reading, and absolutely refused to talk to me aboutEdwardes, so I turned over various papers until Dennison asked me if Idid not think our eight was quite the most comically bad boat I hadever seen. 

"The whole college is going to the deuce, " I answered. 

"You look as if you were up late last night, and have got a fair oldhead on this morning, " Dennison declared. 

"I haven't been to bed at all, if you want to know, " I said. 

"Going to the deuce with the rest of the college, well, you have theconsolation of being quite the most amusing man in it. "

I think I was fool enough to say that I was not amusing. 

"Not consciously, " Dennison replied, "but I get more fun from you thanfrom anybody, and when you are in a serious mood you are the most comicman I know. He's delicious, isn't he, Lambert?"

"If you can't see the funny side of our eight, you must be a madman, "Lambert said to me. 

"We used to be head of the river, and now we can't row for sourapples, " Dennison chuckled, "the thing's a perfect pantomime. "

"And you are the stupidest clown in it, " I said suddenly, for althoughI did not want to lose my temper the "sour apples" expression, on thetop of being told that I had "a fair old head, " compelled me to saysomething. 

"One to Marten, " Lambert said, as he stalked about the room; they werea most trying lot to have anything to do with. Everything they saidwas just the thing that made me want to get away from them, andDennison had told me once that he considered conversation a very fineart. 

It would have been wise of me to have gone away without waiting forDennison's attempts to get level with me, but I felt like staying whereI was. 

"Poor old fellow, " Dennison groaned, "he sits up all night, and thenhis conscience smites him and his head aches, and he thinks the collegeis going to the deuce and is to be saved from perdition by his beingrude. What you want, old chap, is a sedlitz powder; go and have one, and you won't be so gloomy, you may even smile when you see our eightbumped to-night. "

"You laugh and jeer at our boat when it goes down, but I'll bet youwould be the first to kick up a row if we ever make any bumps again, though you don't care whether we go to the bottom of the river and stopthere, " I answered. 

"I don't see that it matters, " Lambert put in, "and I would much ratherbe bottom than bottom but one or even two, there's something dignifiedabout being absolutely last. "

"Take a sedlitz powder and become a philosopher, " Dennison suggested. 

"I always thought your philosophy was founded on something confoundedlyodd, " I returned, "and now I know all about it. "

"I suppose you think that very witty, " he replied, and he almost losthis temper, "but though I may not be much of a philosopher I am afirst-rate doctor, so when a man wants medicine I tell him so. "

"Thanks, " I said. 

"You are on the wrong track, " he went on, beginning to smile again, "the wretched school-boy notion of being sick to death when you arebeaten at anything is all humbug here, the thing to do is to laughwhatever happens, and to-day you look as if you hadn't a laugh left inyou. "

"That's sitting up all night, " Lambert said, "you can't laugh all dayand night. "

Then I told them that if they wanted to see the college perfectlyuseless at everything they must be the biggest fools in Oxford, and Iappealed to Murray to support me, because Dennison never spoke to himif he could help doing so. 

"It is much easier to laugh than it is to row, " was all Murray said, and he went out of the room at once. 

"That man's the most complete prig in the 'Varsity, " Dennison declared, "and as long as a college has a lot of men like him in it nothing elsematters. We don't want smugs here. "

"Murray, " I said solidly, "is neither a prig nor a smug, and as youhave never said half-a-dozen words to him you can't possibly knowanything about him. "

"A smug is always labelled, " he answered, "and that man looks one fromhis hat to his boots, don't you think so, Lambert?"

Of course Lambert thought so, and I, having already said much more thanI intended, was just going to say a lot more, when a whole crowd of mencame into the room and saved me from the impossible task of makingDennison believe that he could make a mistake. 

I went back to my rooms and found Fred waiting for me, but from the wayI banged my note-book on the table and threw my gown into a corner, Ishould not think that he expected me to be very pleasant. Fred, however, understood me, and it seems to me that I have always been verylucky in having one friend who never tried to make out that I was in agood temper when I was in a bad one. Some people when they suspectthat you are angry ask silly little questions just to find out if theirsuspicious are true, but Fred always left me alone. He simply took nonotice of me at all, and though that was very annoying, it was not halfas bad as a string of questions or a lot of stupid remarks about thingswhich I did not want to hear. I banged about the room tremendously, but Fred went on reading _The Sportsman_ and waited for me to becomefit to speak to. 

At last I threw myself into a chair close to him. 

"For goodness' sake stop reading that blessed paper, " I said; "why Itake the wretched thing I don't know, who cares whether Kent beatsLancashire or whether Cambridge makes four hundred against the M. C. C. "

"You and I do, " Fred answered, and tossed _The Sportsman_ on to thetable. 

"I have been waiting here for half-an-hour to hear what has happened, but you seem to be in such an infernally bad temper that I should thinkI had better go. There is a very fair chance of a row if I stay here, for I can't stand much to-day, " he went on, when I had picked up thepaper to see who had made the runs for Cambridge. 

"What's wrong with you?" I asked. 

"Everything. "

"Did you have a good ball?"

"Perfectly rotten. "

"Did Nina get plenty of partners?"

"Crowds. "

"And you didn't feel like going on the 'Cher' this morning?"

"I have had two pros bowling to me, " he answered, "I was bowled about adozen times. Besides I wasn't asked to go on the 'Cher. '"

"Nina and Mrs. Faulkner said all sorts of things about me last night?"

"Who told you so?"

"They did. "

"Sometimes Nina's temper isn't any better than yours, " he said. "Whathappened to you? How's Owen?"

"Owen is very bad, " I answered, and while we had lunch I told him whatI had been doing. "In a few hours I have made a fool of myself threetimes, " I said, "I've promised to pay for Owen, and I have had rowswith both Edwardes and Dennison. This college is going to blazes, andit is men like Edwardes, who is a great lump of ice, and Dennison, whojust wants to be a blood in his own miserable little way, who will beresponsible. Edwardes never cares what happens, and Dennison iscollecting a set round him who can do nothing but wear waistcoats, eatand drink. You have all the luck in belonging to a college where mendon't become bloods by drinking hard, and where everybody takes aninterest in the place. St. Cuthbert's will never get a decent fresherto come to it if we don't do something to make it alive again. "

Fred stretched himself and yawned, all the life seemed to have gone outof him in some way. 

"You wouldn't like to belong to a college which has been something andis on the road to be nothing, " I said. 

"It takes a lot to ruin a college, " he answered; "every one knows thatSt. Cuthbert's is a good enough place, and one man like Dennison won'tmake much difference. "

"Won't he? you don't know him as well as I do. He'd ruin the Bank ofEngland if he could be the only director for a year. "

"But there are heaps of other men besides him. "

"No one seems to care; we just live on our reputation, and whenDennison is no longer a fresher he will wreck the whole place, he isclever enough to do it. "

"You are in a villainous temper and exaggerate everything, " Fred said. 

"You know that Oriel is all right, and you don't care what happens tous, " I retorted, and then Fred woke up and we very nearly had aterrific row. 

The remembrance of this day still makes me feel uncomfortable, and I amquite certain that Fred was the only man in Oxford who could have putup with me. I simply walked from quarrel to quarrel, and I seemed towant each one to be more violent than the last. Now I come to think ofit, it is possible that Dennison's advice was sound; I must certainlyhave needed something which I did not take, but after all I think along sleep was probably what I wanted. At any rate I was a mostunpleasant companion, and Fred told me afterwards that he had not knownme for so many years, without finding out that I could be thoroughlyunreasonable when I had a really bad day. 

Undoubtedly that day was a very bad one, and when any one stays up allnight I advise him to go to bed during the next day, just to savetrouble. 

We had arrived at a state of silence, for I had nothing left to say, and Fred refused to say anything, when Jack Ward strolled into theroom, as if he had nothing more than usual to do, and had just come towaste his time and mine. He must have tried to make what is called adramatic entry, for most people who were in his condition would havehurried up for all they were worth. He was wet through from head tofoot, his collar hung round his neck like a dirty rag, and his wholeappearance reminded me of a scarecrow which has suffered dreadfullyfrom the weather. 

"What has happened?" I asked at once, for he walked straight up to anempty bottle and shook his head mournfully. 

"Nothing, " he answered, "except that your sister fell into the 'Cher'and I hauled her out, and Mrs. What's-her-name shrieked and hadhysterics. They are all right now, but as soon as I got your sister tothe bank, I had to throw water over the other lady; I began bysprinkling her face, but as she rather liked that I had to give her aregular good dose, and then she opened her eyes and said her dress wasspoilt. I must have some hot whisky, or I shall catch cold. "

We besieged Jack with questions, but we did not get much satisfactionfrom his replies. 

"It was all my fault, " he said. "I thought I could teach your sisterto punt, and she fell in and I pulled her out. I have told you thatbefore. "

"Nina can swim, " I said. 

"There wasn't much time to think about that, besides, she had a longdress on. I am afraid we made rather a sensation when I got a cab forthem down at Magdalen. "

"We must go round at once, " I said to Fred. 

"I don't think it is much good doing that, " Jack went on. "I amawfully sorry that it happened, because Mrs. Faulkner was annoyed atfirst, and that was bad enough, but just before I left it suddenlyoccurred to her that I was very plucky and ought to be thanked, whichwas much worse. She says they are both going to bed until it is timefor them to get up and catch the train. In that way she hopes to avoidthe most serious consequences. Your sister thinks it rather a goodjoke; I hope she won't catch a bad cold. "

"You had better go and change, " I said, and I asked Fred if he wouldcome to the Rudolf, but he said that it was no use for him to go ifMrs. Faulkner and Nina were in bed, and that he would meet me at thestation. Then I said something to Jack about it being awfully good ofhim to have jumped into the "Cher" to fish Nina out, but I was veryglad when he asked me to shut up, for Fred was looking more gloomy thanever, and I am sure that he, having seen Nina swimming heaps of times, thought the whole thing was thoroughly stupid. I did not quite knowwhat to think about it, but I wished most sincerely that Nina had nevertried to punt. 

Fred walked with me for a short way down the Broad, but stopped byBalliol, and said he was going in to see a man. 

"This affair is a horrid nuisance, " I remarked. 

"Nina wouldn't drown very easily, " he returned. 

"But she had a long dress on, " and of this remark Fred took no notice. 

"I don't think I shall come down to the station, " he said; "will youwish Mrs. Faulkner and Nina good-bye from me?"

"No, I won't, " I replied, and we stared at each other so hard that wewere nearly run over by a cab; "you must come, do come to please me. "

"You do such a precious lot to make me want to please you, " heretorted, and he looked most desperately down on his luck. 

"Do forget all about this afternoon. I didn't mean one word I said. "

"You said a precious lot. I'll come all right, but they won't want tosee me, " and he walked off before I could tell him that they had betterwant to see him, or I would have even another row. 

When I got to the Rudolf I sent up a card to Nina on which I wrotesomething which at the moment I thought funny. But she did not seem tosee the humour of it, for she sent me down an angry little note inwhich she told me to go away and meet her at four o'clock. I went awaysorrowfully, for there was a sense of importance about that note whichtold me that Nina was not going to tumble into the Cher for nothing, and I knew I should hear more than enough about it before long. 

But I did not think that I should be made to suffer until I got to thestation. But when your luck is dead out it is wise to be prepared foranything. 

I strolled aimlessly down the Corn-market, and having nothing whateverto do, I turned into the Union to read the papers, or write a letter tomy brother, or do anything to pass the time. I stood in the hall forsome minutes looking at, but not reading, the telegrams; I was tryingto remember whether it was my turn to write to my brother or his towrite to me, and two or three men who found me planted in front of thetelegrams shoved me a little, so I moved away and met a man whom I knew. 

"Halloa, Marten, " he said, "I've just seen the pluckiest thing; thatman Ward, you know him, fairly saved a girl's life. She fell out of apunt on the Cher, a pretty girl too. Ward's a lucky brute, you oughtto have been there. "

"I've heard all about it, " I answered. 

"But it only happened an hour ago. "

"Ward told me, he didn't think much of it. "

"Well, you should have seen him, I tell you he did it splendidly; Ialways thought he was a friend of yours, but you don't look very keen. However, it's something to talk about, " he said, as he strolled off tofind some one who would suit him better than I did. 

I drifted from the hall to one of the smoking-rooms, where I sat downnext to a big, bearded man, who was wearing a most extraordinary widepair of trousers, and who looked as if he would discourage the attemptsof any one who wanted to talk. He looked at me over the top of _TheTimes_, and having had the courage to sit next to him, I felt that ifhe would only look at other men as he did at me I should get all theprotection I required. I read in the aimless way which makes me turnthe paper over frequently in the futile hope of finding somethinginteresting, and I could not help knowing that my neighbour's eyes werefar oftener on me than on _The Times_. But I had no intention ofleaving him, for we were members of a defensive alliance, though heknew nothing about it; two or three men I knew walked through the roomand left me alone; I was, I thought, in an almost impregnable positionand I closed my eyes, but before I had passed from the stage ofwondering whether I should snore if I went to sleep, I felt a touch onmy arm, and found Learoyd standing by me. 

"Go away, " I said sleepily, "I am very tired. "

He leant over my chair and began to whisper; his back unfortunately wasturned to my ally, or I think I could have stopped him. 

"Do you know, " he began, "that your sister has been nearly drowned inthe Cher, and Ward jumped in after her? Everybody says he saved herlife and will get a medal. "

"Who's everybody?" I asked, and I heard a noise, which was more like agrunt than anything else, from the chair behind Learoyd. 

"Pratt told me, and I knew it must have been your sister because I sawWard start out of the college with her and some one else. It was yoursister, wasn't it?"

"Yes, " I answered, and my friend in the wide trousers got up and walkedby us. 

"I am awfully glad it was your sister now that I have told Pratt so, "Learoyd said. "He told me that he didn't think it could have been, because you didn't tell him. "

"I never tell an ass like Pratt anything, " I replied, "he would die ifhe hadn't got something to talk about. "

"I am very glad she wasn't drowned. "

"You are only glad she fell in, " I could not help saying. 

He looked rather bothered for a minute. "No, I didn't mean that, onlyPratt isn't the man to tell anything which isn't true, he's such agossip, " he answered. 

"I suppose every one is bound to know all about it. I shouldn't wonderif it isn't in the papers this evening, " I said, as I got out of mychair. 

"It is sure to be, " Learoyd replied cheerfully. "Jack Ward will haveto pretend not to like it. "

"He won't like it, " I said, and I gave Learoyd my paper to read andmade my escape into the garden. I sat down as far away from every oneas I could and asked a waiter to bring me some tea, and for quite fiveminutes I was not molested. It was very early for tea, and the waiterwas talkative when he came back. 

"Going down to the river this afternoon, sir?" he said, as I fumbled inmy pockets for some money. 

"No, " I replied. 

"Nearly a sad accident on the Cherwell this morning I heard somegentleman saying. A gentleman from St. Cuthbert's College saved ayoung lady from drowning; he ought to marry the young lady, I say, " heconcluded with a waggish shake of the head, and he began to grope inhis pockets for sixpence. 

"Don't bother about the change, " I said, "you're a humorist. "

"A what, sir?"

"A humorist, " I answered so loudly that nearly every one in the gardenlooked round. 

"I am a bit of a comic, thank you, sir. I sings a bit and acts a bitwhen I get the chance. But people ought to be more careful when theygo boating, many a good life's been lost by drowning, leaving sorrowbehind it. "

"Some one is calling you, " I said desperately, and just then I sawPratt come into the garden and fix his eyes on me. I rose hurriedly, and leaving my tea bolted for the door which leads into Castle Street. I turned round when I reached the door and saw the waiter tapping hisforehead with one finger and talking to Pratt. It was not difficult toguess what he was saying. 

I did not know what to do next, so I walked very slowly to the stationand stood in front of the book-stall. Business unfortunately was slackwhen I arrived and one of the boys would not leave me alone, he offeredme so many papers that in sheer desperation I bought several; I toldhim that I would have two shillings' worth, and left the selection ofthem to him. Then I walked off to a seat at the end of the platform todo a little thinking, but before I had really got settled I saw Fredwalking towards me with his head somewhere near the second button ofhis waistcoat. I shouted to him, and after we had sat on the bench forquite a minute without speaking we both began to laugh at the sametime, until a porter and a ticket-collector came to see what washappening. The porter was a burly man with a cheerful countenance, andhe seemed so pleased to see any one enjoying themselves that he cameclose to us, but the ticket-collector stood afar off. 

"Nice weather, gentlemen, " he said, and having agreed with him we beganto laugh again. 

"I've not 'eard a good joke for many a fine day, you seem to bea-enjoying of yourselves, my missis 'as got the mumps, " and he took offhis cap and scratched his head. 

Fred said that mumps were very painful. 

"Nearly what you call a tragedy on the river to-day, seemingly, " hewent on, and I groaned aloud, but Fred, who had no idea what wascoming, asked him what had happened. 

"It's like this, " he began, "one of my mates, who 'as a brother whatbelongs to one of them boat-'ouses where they let out most anything toanybody what'll pay for it, 'eard in 'is dinner 'our as 'ow a youngwoman would 'ave gone to 'er death only 'er young man 'opped into theriver and saved 'er life. That's what my mate told me, but 'e's a bitof a liar. "

I jumped up from the seat before he had time to tell us anything more, and pushing a shilling into his hand said that the ticket-collector wasbeckoning to him. He was so surprised that he had not enough breath tothank me, but he was kind enough to go away. When he thought I was notlooking I saw him tapping his forehead and grinning like thatabominable waiter in the Union. After two or three minutes of peacethe ticket-collector thought he might as well try his luck with us, andbegan to stroll casually in our direction, but just as he was going tobegin a conversation I seized Fred by the arm, and having fled to theend of the platform, we sat down on a luggage-barrow. 

"I should have hit that man, " I said, "I can't stand any more, " andthen I told him what I had been through since I had left him. "Itisn't half as comic as you seem to think, " I finished up, "everyblessed man I know in the 'Varsity will talk to me about it. Nina canswim as well as you can, and I shall tell her what I think of her. "

"Don't get into another rage, " Fred replied; "I shouldn't say anythingnasty to her if I were you, she didn't fall into the Cher on purpose. What is that huge great bundle of papers you are hugging?"

"They are for Mrs. Faulkner to read on the way down, to show that Idon't bear her any malice. I wish I had never seen her. "

Fred took the bundle, and as he looked through the papers he gave wayto such unrighteous laughter that the barrow tipped up, and he, I, andall the papers were scattered about the platform. I hurt myself andtold him so rudely, but he laughed at nothing that afternoon, and assoon as he had picked up the papers he went back to the barrow andproceeded to chuckle to himself until I had to ask whether he had gonemad. 

"For Mrs. Faulkner, " he said, and really he was enough to annoy any one. 

"Why shouldn't I give her what I like?" I asked. 

"She won't thank you for this lot, " he answered. "_Cricket, TheSportsman, The Sporting Life, The Pink 'Un, A Life of W. G. Grace, TheTopical Times, Pick-me-up, The Pelican_, --by Jove she will havesomething to tell your people when she gets home. "

"It's that boy at the bookstall, " I said, "let's go and change some ofthem, though I believe you have only picked out the ones which MrsFaulkner wouldn't read. I let the boy choose what he liked. "

We made the bundle look as respectable as we could, and started downthe platform, but before we got to the bookstall we saw Mrs. Faulkner, Nina and Jack Ward. 

"Oh, here you are at last, " Nina said, "if it hadn't been for Mr. WardI don't know what we should have done with our luggage. "

"If it hadn't been for Mr. Ward we should not only have lost ourluggage but yourself, my dear, " Mrs. Faulkner exclaimed, and she puther hand on Nina's arm. 

"I am sure we are horribly obliged to you, Jack, " I said, for I had tosay something. 

"I hope you won't catch cold, " Fred said to Nina. 

"Thanks, I think I shall be all right now, " she answered. 

"It is the terrible nervous shock which may be disastrous, " Mrs. Faulkner remarked. 

"Won't you have some tea?" I asked, and it seemed to me that I wasalways asking Mrs. Faulkner to have tea when I didn't know what to dowith her. 

"We should miss the train, it goes in twelve minutes, " she replied. 

We stood on the platform for an interminable time trying to talk, butneither Mrs. Faulkner nor Nina seemed to take any interest in Fred andme, and I must say that Jack looked terribly uncomfortable at all thethings which were said to him. Just before the train was due, however, Nina took my arm and drew me away from the others, and I hoped that shewas going to tell me something pleasant, but her first words banishedthat idea. 

"I want you to ask Mr. Ward to stay with us in July, " she said. 

"I shall do nothing of the kind, " I answered. 

"He jumped into the river to save me. "

"You can swim all right. "

"But he didn't know that. "

"Mrs. Faulkner makes me ill. I think you might stop her making such afuss; she has made Jack feel uncomfortable, and Fred never says a word. I think you are treating Fred jolly badly, " I said. 

"I suppose he will be down in July, " she replied, rather disagreeably. 

"Of course he will. "

"And you won't ask Mr. Ward?"

"For goodness' sake, Nina, don't be stupid, " I answered, "and let meask what friends I like. "

"I shall get mother to ask him if you don't. "

Before I had time to reply the train came into the station, and Fred, Jack and I had to work hard to get a compartment to suit Mrs. Faulkner. It took some time to get her properly settled, and after she hadthanked Jack once more and wished us all good-bye, Nina came to thecarriage-window and said that I was not to forget what she told me. 

"Are those papers for us?" she called out as the train started. 

I took off my hat and pretended not to hear, for I had completelyforgotten to change them, but before I could stop him Jack had takenthe bundle out of my hand, and by means of running much faster than Ithought possible he got the whole lot into the carriage. 

"I felt such a fool on that platform that I never remembered anything, "he said, when he came back. 

"I wish you had forgotten how to run, " I replied, and when Fred toldhim why I had kept my bundle to myself we managed to talk about the wayMrs. Faulkner would criticize my taste until we separated. 

CHAPTER XVI

THE SCHEMES OF DENNISON

My life for several days after Nina went away was just what I expectedit would be. Everybody I knew wanted to be told about the accident, and congratulated me on her narrow escape. I was gloriously rude toseveral men, but nothing I could do was really any good. The first manat whom I let myself go was Dennison, and in this I made a very greatmistake, because in letting him know that I was sick of the wholebusiness I gave him a chance which he did not miss. He went roundfinding men who had not seen me, and persuaded them to come to me andsay how sorry they had been to hear of the accident, and how glad theywere that Jack Ward had saved Nina, and a lot of other desperatetwaddle. Finally, Dennison having worked this joke most diligently, decided that a dinner must be given in Jack's honour, and when he metme in the quad on Sunday and told me about it I refused flatly to go. 

"Of course you will come, " he said, "it would be a disgrace to thecollege if we didn't do something to celebrate Ward's pluck and yoursister's escape. "

"It is a disgrace to the college to make a wretched fuss aboutnothing, " I replied. 

"You are the only man who thinks that. Next Thursday night, half-pastseven, at the Sceptre, " he said, and walked off. 

Ward and I had been avoiding each other ever since the Wednesday night, when he having first of all been to Brasenose because they were Head ofthe River and lively, came to see me afterwards and talked verystupidly. I was in bed, and he woke me up to talk to me for overhalf-an-hour about love. Any one would have been angry, and though Itried to be polite, because he had jumped into the Cher, I told him togo away several times before he went. I had never thought it possiblethat I could have so much trouble about Nina. I suppose he knew thathe had made an idiot of himself that evening, for if there is any timewhen it is decent to wake a man up and talk to him about wonderfulsubjects, I am sure it can never be after a huge celebration atBrasenose. I didn't know much about love, but I thought that theremust be the wrong and the right kind, and that Jack had made a badstart. 

So we kept out of each other's way as much as possible, and I did notknow that he hated the idea of this dinner even more than I did. Wemight together have done something to stop it, but we had no chanceunless we combined. I thought Jack wanted to be fêted, and inconsequence I felt absolutely savage with him, while he told meafterwards that he was simply dragged into the thing by Dennison. However, I am not altogether sorry that the dinner took place, forthough neither Jack nor I were anything like wily enough to score offDennison, we got some rare fun out of him before that evening finished. 

Collier, Lambert and Learoyd all came to tell me that I must go to thedinner before I could be persuaded to have anything to do with it, andit was really comical to hear why each of them was so keen on theaffair. Collier gloried openly in the fact that it would be a hugefeed, and said he was glad Dennison had engaged Rodoski to play thefiddle because music gave him a better appetite, and he advised mestrongly not to miss such a good chance of enjoying myself, and thoughtme mad to hesitate. Lambert said that Dennison had asked him topropose Ward's health, and that he hoped his speech--though quiteunprepared--would not be unworthy of the evening. "The dinner itselfwill be nothing, just like any other kind of dinner, but don't you missit, " he concluded, and I felt sure that he had already got his speechin his pocket. Learoyd begged me not to stay away from a jolly goodrag. "If we can't row, we can rag, " he said, and when I told him thatI was sick to death of ragging, he took such a serious view of my casethat I promised that I would go so that I could get rid of him. 

There were about fourteen men at the dinner-party, including Ward, Dennison, Lambert, Learoyd, Collier, Webb, and Bunny Langham, and sinceDennison had taken a free hand in arranging everything, it was atremendous affair. I never doubted that his idea was to make Ward andme look as foolish as possible, for he was the kind of man who wasnever really contented unless he was trying to make some one feeluncomfortable. The whole thing, I knew, was an elaborate joke at ourexpense, but I was not going to starve because Nina had fallen into the"Cher" and Jack had pulled her out, so I set to work to enjoy myself, though I had to sit next to Dennison. In fact, having once got to theSceptre, I think I made more row than any one at dinner, and this musthave disappointed Dennison, who started by saying those half sweet andhalf bitter things to me, which I never know how to answer, but whichmake me long to put the man who says them under the table. So I talkedand shouted loud enough to drown Dennison's remarks, for it would neverhave done to put him out of sight during the dinner. I suppose thatbeing unable to get any fun out of me, and having Collier, who did notlike to speak much at meals, on the other side of him, he must havefound some fresh amusement, for he became very quiet as the eveningwent on, and there was only one thing which ever made him silent andthat was the kind of thing which makes most people talk. 

He was, however, capable of asking Lambert to propose the toast of theevening, but nothing would make Lambert stir before some one hadproposed the royal toasts, which Dennison had forgotten; and three orfour men who did not want any one to talk except themselves shouted, "No speeches, " until Bunny Langham got up and surprised every one bymaking them laugh. He did not stick to his subject very much, but hemanaged to make everything he said ramble round in an odd sort of wayto an apology for Dennison's forgetfulness, and if only he had beensitting on the other side of me I should not have been compelled toshout during the whole of dinner, for I believe he would have been ableto help me in answering the gibing remarks which had been made to me. Dennison smiled across the table at Langham, but his smile looked as ifit had been glued on to his face, and if I had been in his place Ishould have thrown something solid, like a pine-apple, at Bunny. 

My penance, however, was to come, and when Lambert at last got up tofinish off the business of making fools of Jack Ward and me, I thoughtof pretending that my nose had begun to bleed and of hurrying out ofthe room, only it seemed to be rather a weak thing to do. So I justsat there and imagined that everybody was looking at me, which made mefeel most uncomfortably hot. Lambert admitted afterwards that he wasin his very best form that evening, and I think he must have been, forI never heard anybody talk such a lot of nonsense in all my life. Ilooked at Jack Ward once, and he was evidently having a very bad time, but every one else except Collier, who was sleepy, seemed to think thatLambert was amusing. He referred to Jack in a patronizing way as "ouryoung hero, " and said that my mind had been so completely upset by thisbrave deed that for some days I had been a cause of considerableanxiety to my friends. When he made that remark I took a very ripepear from a dish in front of me, but Learoyd persuaded me not to throwit. I couldn't have missed Lambert, and I think he deserved to bemobbed, but he saw what was happening and I think it made him forgetsome of the things he was going to say about me. At the end of hisspeech he actually began to recite a piece of poetry of his own, thoughthe first line was about the brave deserving the fair and sounded likesomebody else's, which was a way his poems had. He had arranged forslow music to be turned on while he did this, and there was such ageneral feeling against the combination that he had to sit down beforehe had finished. Bunny Langham, who was a member of the Horace Club, and disliked any poems made in Oxford except those which he wrotehimself, led the hubbub, and after we had drunk Jack's health there wassuch a noise that he escaped having to reply. When any one shouted forhim, as they did fitfully for some time, their voices were alwaysdrowned in the general cheerfulness of the evening, and he finally cameround from the other side of the table and sat down by me. 

"You have been making a most awful row, " he said. 

"Self-defence, " I answered, "I didn't want to hear anything whichDennison said. "

"A most rotten evening, the proggins will come in a few minutes if heis within shouting distance. They have been trying to get us out forthe last quarter of an hour. "

"Several men seem to have gone already. "

We talked for some minutes, and then a waiter came in and said theproctor was coming down "The High, " so we all bolted as hard as wecould. Instead of turning down the Turl, I saw Dennison run down theHigh, with Lambert pursuing him and telling him to stop. But Dennisonhad been careful during the last part of the evening, and had arrivedat the state when any one shouting at him made him run all the faster, while Lambert, excited by oratory and the after-effects of it, declaredvery loudly that he would catch Dennison if he had to run a mile. 

"Dennison thinks that the proggins and all his bulldogs are after him, "Bunny Langham said; "the whole thing was only a trick to get us outbefore anything happened. "

"They can catch me if they like, " Ward replied, "I can't run to-night. "

So the three of us walked back to St. Cuthbert's, and Bunny complainedbitterly that he could not come in and wait until Lambert and Dennisonturned up. The first man to come into college after us was Collier, who said he had been dodging round the Radcliffe for a quarter of anhour, and soon afterwards Learoyd and Webb strolled in and pretendedthat they had been sitting under the table in the Sceptre, but theylooked exceedingly warm. We all went to Ward's rooms, which were akind of club for any men he knew and very often used when he was noteven in them, to wait for Dennison and Lambert; but we had to stayuntil nearly twelve o'clock before either of them came, and then therewas a tremendous thumping on the door, and Dennison, in a mostexhausted condition, tottered in and nearly collapsed in the porter'sarms. 

It was some time before he had breath enough to walk across to Ward'srooms, but when we had got him settled in an arm-chair he began to feelbetter. 

"At any rate I did the brute, " he said, "that bulldog will remember mefor the rest of his life. "

I should have given the whole thing away by laughing if I had saidanything, and I moved to the window so that I could put my head outsideif I really had to laugh, while Collier, who had been scored off byDennison very often, began to ask him questions. He had not to askmany, because when Dennison once began to talk, he told us everythingwithout needing much encouragement. 

"That big bull-dog has had his eye on me for ages, " he said, "eversince I dodged him one night last term in the Corn, and I know that hehas been saying that he would catch me some day. " He stopped for aminute, being still rather breathless, and Collier asked him where hehad been. "Directly I went out of the Sceptre he started off after me, and I made up my mind I would give him the deuce of a time before I haddone with him, so I ran like blazes down the High, and when I turnedround by Magdalen to see if he was coming I saw the brute in thedistance. So off I went again, and when we got to the running-ground Iheard him panting and swearing and shouting a hundred yards away. Ilet him get a bit closer and then went on towards Iffley; but I got amost horrible stitch, so I went as hard as I could for a bit, and thenclimbed over a gate and sat down under a hedge. I waited until he hadgone past, and then came back to college. It is the easiest thing inthe world to score off a bull-dog, they are simply the stupidest men inthe world. "

"He must have got a long way past Iffley by now, " Collier said. 

"I don't care where he is, but I shall have to look out that he doesn'tget level with me, " Dennison replied. 

"You will always have to wear a cap and gown now, " Learoyd remarked. 

But Dennison took no notice of this advice. 

"Where's Lambert?" he asked; "everybody else seems to be here excepthim and that fool, Bunny Langham. "

"We don't know, he has not come in yet, " Collier answered, and at thatmoment there was a rap at the door, and as soon as Lambert got into theporch I put my head out of the window and told him to come up to Ward'srooms. As he walked across the quad I saw that he had been having arough time of it, for his clothes did not look as immaculate as usual. He was carrying an overcoat over his arm, and his shirt and collar hadgiven way so badly that the first thing he did when he got into theroom was to go to a looking-glass, and see how he could improve theappearance of things. A lot of men asked him where he had been, but hehad forgotten that any of us had seen him start after Dennison, and heanswered that he had just been for a stroll. "I like to have a walk bymyself after a noise, " he added; "the heat of that room made me feelabsolutely ill. "

Then Ward could not restrain himself any longer, and told Dennison thatwe all knew Lambert had been running after him, and that there had beenno proctor and bull-dogs in the High. 

"Coming suddenly out of a hot room into the open air always affectsme, " Lambert said. "I made up my mind I would catch Dennison if I ranuntil my legs gave way. "

"It's all a silly lie, " Dennison exclaimed; "I was chased by the bigbull-dog; I should have seen that shirt, which was white when youstarted. "

"I had on an overcoat, " was Lambert's reply. 

"Did you go to Iffley?" Collier asked. 

"Iffley? Good heavens, no, I never went any further than MagdalenBridge. "

There was such a shout of laughter that I believe I should have thoughtanybody else except Dennison had been rotted enough. 

"Then I _was_ chased by a bull-dog!" he said emphatically. 

"You weren't chased by any one after I stopped, for I sat on the bridgefor quite ten minutes, and then I thought I would come home by LongWall Street, the High being rather exposed at night. I made anunfortunate choice. " He shot his cuffs down, but they were terriblylimp, and he looked at them with disgust. 

"What happened?" Ward asked. 

"I met the proggins, and having got my wind I charged right past him. Then I ran round by the Racquet Courts, and finally hid in a garden byKeble. I ought not to have done that, because the bull-dogs know me, and I found them waiting outside when I came in. It is all your faultfor running away when I told you to stop, " he said to Dennison. 

"I expect you were hiding in the garden at the same time Dennison washiding from you behind a hedge in the Iffley Road, " Collier said, andthe idea pleased Lambert so much that he took off his tie and went tothe looking-glass again. But he soon made up his mind that no tie, however beautifully tied, had a chance with a collar which looked likea piece of moderately white blotting-paper, so he stalked out of theroom without wishing any one good-night, though he did wave his tie inJack Ward's direction as he went, and since it was very late I followedhim. 

During the rest of the term I hardly saw anything of Fred, as he wasplaying cricket for the 'Varsity, and whenever I tried to see him Inearly always failed. I did not try much, for I did not see why hewanted to avoid me, and I thought he was treating me very badly. Besides, my people were bothering me a lot during the last few days ofthe term, and I didn't see any use in telling Fred that my motherwanted Jack Ward to come down to Worcestershire during the summer. Asa matter-of-fact I was in an awkward position, for my mother hadwritten to Jack Ward to thank him for pulling Nina out of the "Cher, "and to say that she would be very glad if he could come down sometimeto stay with us. But I thought Jack Ward would not come unless I askedhim myself, and that rotten jumble he talked about love on my bed, anda sort of feeling that Fred would not like him to come kept me fromsaying anything to him. Jack only told me that my mother had writtento him, and I heard from her that she had asked him to stay, so I hadsome time to think of what I had better do, and the more I thought themore bothered I became. 

I had one idea which pleased me for a quarter of an hour; it was thatJack should come while Nina was away, but as soon as I thought of thetemper Nina would be in when she found out this little plan I abandonedit quickly. Another idea, which did not please me for so long, wasthat I should tell Jack that my people simply hated any one whoflirted, but that seemed both to be taking a good deal for granted andto be rather hard on Nina; besides, it reminded me unpleasantly ofthose advertisements for servants which end up, "No followers allowed, "and which, I should think, are a great waste of money. In addition tothis bother which I manufactured more or less for myself, I had anothertrouble which did not worry so much because I understood it better. Mrs. Faulkner had told my mother, quite privately, that I was in heropinion doing very little work at Oxford, and my mother was not asdisturbed at this as her informant thought she ought to have been. Atleast I suppose that must have been the reason why Mrs. Faulkner toldmy father the same tale, and even took the trouble to show him some ofthe papers which were in that wretched parcel. I could not expect himto approve of all those papers, and I did not dare to tell him that Ihad not chosen them myself, because he would then have accused me oflaziness and extravagance and a whole host of unpleasant things, so Iaccepted his rebukes with a contrite spirit and wrote and told him, quite truthfully, that I read very serious papers nearly every week. But when you have been fairly caught buying a host of sporting andtheatrical literature, it isn't much good trying to persuade yourfather that it was a fluke. I sent him _The Spectator_ soonafterwards, but he never acknowledged it, and my mother in her nextletter drew my attention to the fact that he had subscribed to thisreview for the last seven years. My luck was very bad just then, Iseemed unable to do anything right. 

There was only one thing which cheered me up, and it was that Owen hadgot over the worst part of his illness. But I could not even think ofthis without being bothered, for when a man is ill you don't mindpromising to do anything, and it is only when he is getting better thatyou begin to realize how much you have promised. It was certain that Imust pay the expenses of his illness, and it was equally certain that Ishould not have enough money to pay my college bills as well; the wholething made me very pensive. 

Murray was in my rooms one night just before the end of the term, and Iwas talking over my difficulties, for he was always hard-up himself andnot likely to offer to lend me anything, when a note was brought infrom Fred, and the first thing which fell out of the envelope was acheque for fifty pounds. I did not know what to think of that, but thenote upset me altogether. 

"Dear Godfrey, " Fred wrote, "you told me some time ago that you werehard up, so I am sending you a cheque in case you want it. My peoplehave just sent me more money than I shall use this year, and you canpay me back when you like. I am afraid I shan't be able to come downto you after the 'Varsity match, as I have promised to go with areading party to Cornwall for two months. I believe the only thing todo down there is to play golf, which isn't much fun, but Henderson iscoming, and we shall try to get some cricket. Please remember me toyour people. Yours ever, F. F. 

"P. S. I suppose you won't come down to Cornwall; the men are all right, five of them. "

Now Fred had spent nearly all his school-holidays with me, and since wehad been at Oxford he had been down for both vacs, so for him to writeand say calmly that he had made arrangements to go on a wretchedreading party and then to ask me in a postscript to join it, made mewant to go to Oriel at once and speak to him. But, fortunately, it wasnearly eleven o'clock and I could not get out of college, so as Murrayhad gone back to his room I went along the passage to work off some ofmy agitation on him. Murray, however, was one of those annoying menwho know exactly when they have had enough of anybody, and I found hisoak sported. I beat upon it for some time without any result, andhaving told Murray my opinion of him in a voice loud enough topenetrate almost anything, I went back to my own rooms and sat down towrite to Fred. In the course of an hour I wrote and tore up severalletters. Some of them I intended to be dignified, some of them wereabusive; in some I kept the cheque, but in most of them I sent it back;in one I enclosed it with the words, "you will find the cheque you weregood enough to offer me;" that was the first I wrote, for I was quiteincapable of even thanking him until the labours of the impositionwhich I had set myself began to tell upon me. 

I had just torn up the seventh letter, and after a desperate strugglewhether I should begin the eighth "Dear Fred" or "Dear Foster" hadcompromised matters by writing "Dear F. F. , " when Jade Ward began toyell my name down in the quad, and I went to the window at once andtold him to shut up. For the Warden's house was in the back quad, andalthough I was pleased to think the Warden my friend I knew he alwaysslept with his window open, because he had told me so in a very greatoutburst of confidence, and I did not want my wretched name to break inupon his night's rest. I had not got so many dons on my side that Icould afford to make the Warden angry; besides, I really liked him, andhe was always nice to me, though he did tell the Bishop in the Eastervac that, until I lost a certain exuberance of animal spirits, anycredit I did to the college would be more physical than intellectual. But I did not bear him any grudge for that, because he could not helpusing long phrases, and if he had just said that I liked athletics Ishould have been rather pleased, which was what he really meant, onlythe Bishop did not think so. 

I shoved the fragments of my letters into a drawer, and when Jack Wardcame in I said I was going to bed. The sight of him reminded me ofNina, and to think of Nina gave me a headache. I had never imagined itpossible that I should find it difficult to manage her, and here shewas at the bottom of all my troubles. As I stood in my room and lookedat Jack sitting in my most comfortable chair, the reason why Fred hadwritten that note suddenly occurred to me. Of course she was thereason, and leaving Jack to amuse himself I sat down and wrote anothernote; but when I read it through it seemed as hopeless as the others, so I tore it up, and having no more note-paper I decided to see Fred inthe morning. Then I went into my bedroom and began to undress noisily, so that Jack might know what I was doing, but he gave a huge snore justas I was ready to go to bed and I had to throw a cushion at his head. 

"Turn the lamp out, when you go, " I said, and I got into bed. I leftthe door partly open, because my room wanted all the air it could get, and I heard him waking up slowly and stretching himself. After that heattacked a soda-water syphon until it gave a protesting gurgle. 

"I've found the whisky, but you don't seem to have any soda, " he calledto me, but I pretended that I was asleep. However, he ransacked mycupboard until he found another syphon, and then he came and sat on mybed. I told him I was very tired, because I had not forgotten the lasttime he had invaded me in this way, and two doses of talking about lovewould be a trial to any man. 

"I wanted to talk to you, only you were so busy, and then I went tosleep, " he began. 

"Well, cut it short, it must be nearly one o'clock. "

"Your people have asked me to stay with them in the vac, and I want toknow what time would suit you best. "

He had cut it far too short to suit me, and I asked him not to sit onmy foot, which he was not sitting upon, so that I could think for amoment. Then I turned my face to the wall. But I brought myself roundpretty quickly, and felt very displeased with Jack. Things were muchworse than I thought they were, if he could throw away all decency andsimply insist on coming. Had I wanted him I should have asked him. 

"I had a letter from Mrs. Marten this morning, asking me to settle thetime with you, " he said. 

"Any time will suit me, " I answered, "except that I may go away with areading party, and I am afraid you will find it most awfully slow. "

"I shan't find it slow, " he asserted with conviction. 

"There's nothing much to do except loll about, " I said. 

"That will suit me down to the ground, " he said, and I turned over oncemore. It isn't much good talking to a man who confesses that he likeslolling about; but I thought I would make things out as bad as possible. 

"We do nothing but slack down there, " I said; "there's not muchcricket, and we only keep one fat cob, which is a sort ofhorse-of-all-work. "

"Got a river?"

"A sort of glorified brook. "

"And a boat?"

I had to say that we had a boat, but I explained that it was very old. 

"That's all right, " he said most cheerfully, and I believe he wouldhave been pleased if I had told him that we lived in a barn withseveral holes in the roof. 

He was beginning to think it was time for him to go to bed, when Iheard somebody else blunder into my sitter, and in a moment Lambertappeared at the door. Now Lambert, who was only gorgeous by day, frequently became aggressive at night, and I told him to clear outjolly quickly. But instead of doing what he was wanted to he lit ahuge cigar, and began smoking the thing in my bedder. He also made anumber of stupid remarks about my personal appearance, and though Ihate getting out of bed when once I am comfortable I really could notput up with the man, for he compared me to several people, ancient andmodern, who suffered from various defects. Jack Ward told him severalforcible things, but he went on insulting me, and then cackled as if hehad made a joke. So at last I hopped out of bed, and he, escaping frommy bedder, continued to cackle in the next room; I just stopped to puton a pair of shoes, and then I went after him; he ran down the darkstaircase as hard as he could, and I, anxious to give him one kick, forthe sake of honour, pursued him. Both of us got safely to the bottomof the stairs, and I fairly raced him across the back quad, but just aswe were going into the front one Lambert stopped suddenly and doubledback, while I was running so furiously that I did not turn quicklyenough, and before I could follow him I saw another man standing infront of me with a little straggly beard and great big spectacles. Welooked at each other, and then I gave up thinking about Lambert andwalked back to my rooms; there was a horrid wind, and I shivered in mypyjamas as I went back to my staircase. Lambert seemed to havedisappeared altogether, but I met Jack striking matches and groping hisway down. 

"Did you catch him?" he asked. 

"Just like my luck, " I answered. "I met the Subby. "

"What's he doing at this time of night?"

"That's what he will ask me to-morrow if he recognized me. Therewasn't much light. "

"He ought to have been in bed. "

"I don't believe dons ever go to bed, " I replied. "Give me a match, sothat I can get up without breaking my neck. "

The next morning Lambert came round while I was at breakfast. He wasfull of apologies and hopes that the Subby had not recognized me. 

"He told me that he sleeps so badly, that he often gets up in themiddle of the night and takes a walk, " he said, without the slightestregard for truth. 

"Then there is no reason why I shouldn't take a run if I like, " Ireplied. 

"But you were shouting, " he said, as if he wished I had not been. 

"I'm a somnambulist, only I somnambulate faster than most people. "

"I'm afraid that won't wash, " he said, and he started striding up anddown my room until he found he was always coming to a wall, and then hestopped in front of the looking-glass, and stared earnestly at himself. "Can't we think of anything better than that?" he asked. 

"Doesn't your own face help you?" I asked, and he turned round slowly. 

"One of my front teeth has got a chip off it, " he said. 

"By Jove!" I answered, for Lambert both the last thing at night and thefirst thing in the morning, was too much for me. 

"But about the Subby?"

"He hasn't sent for me yet. Just poke your head out of the door andyell for Clarkson; yell, don't think you are singing. "

He did yell, and I had breakfast cleared away. 

"I am afraid he must have seen you if you saw him, " he went on, and thebulk of the man seemed to cover up all my mantelpiece. 

"Get out of the light, I want some matches, " I said. "Perhaps he sawyou. "

"No, I caught a glimpse of his beard coming round the corner. "

"I wish men wouldn't come and talk rot to me in the middle of thenight. "

"I have apologized for that; of course I shall tell the Subby it was myfault. "

"You are a big enough fool to do anything, " I retorted, but he onlysmiled at me, and after helping himself to a cigarette he went away. 

About half-past ten I got a wretched notice from the Subby to say hewished to see me at one o'clock, and I decided to stay in my rooms towork, and not to go round to Oriel until the afternoon. My workhowever, was sadly interrupted, for as soon as I had really settleddown, and I settle down slowly, Dennison came in to condole with meabout my bad luck, but when I told him that I had got to go to theSubby I caught him grinning, which exasperated me. So he soondisappeared, and then Jack Ward came, and after he had gone I went andhad a talk with Murray. I have never known a morning go so quickly. 

I had scarcely looked at the Subby's notice when I got it, for I onlyread the time I was to go to him, and then shoved the card into mypocket; but at one o'clock I went off to see him, wondering how I couldexplain matters best. On my way across the front quad I met Lambertand Dennison lounging about arm-in-arm; they wished me luck, and I toldthem to go to blazes. I simply hate men who can't stand withoutpropping themselves up, the one against the other. 

I knocked at the Subby's door without having made up my mind why I hadbeen running about in pyjamas at one o'clock in the morning; thesomnambulist tale did all right to annoy Lambert, but I was not such anidiot as to try it on a don. I had to knock twice before he told me tocome in, and when he saw me he only said "good-morning. " So I said"good-morning" and waited. 

"What is it?" he asked, when he discovered that I did not want to go tosome impossible place because my teeth ached, or my great-aunt wantedme. 

"You sent for me, " I said. 

"No, " and he shook his head until a lock of hair fell over his forehead. 

"At one o'clock. "

"I didn't send for you. "

"I have the notice in my pocket, " and I took it out and looked at it. Then I saw that some one had been scratching at the top of the card, but they had done it very neatly. 

"Some one has been having a joke with you, " he said, and he smiled asif he thought it a better joke than I did. 

"They will be watching for me to come out, " I said, and I took mycourage in my two hands. 

"I suppose they will, " he answered, "but I don't want to know theirnames. "

"I didn't mean that, " I replied. 

"What did you mean?" he asked, and I thought he was behaving splendidly. 

"I wish you would ask me to lunch if you aren't engaged, " I said, "andthen they will have to wait for longer than they bargained. "

"Of course, " he answered, "they certainly deserve to wait. "

I enjoyed that meal very much, the Subby only wanted knowing a littleand then he became quite a good sort, and I think he was amused at afresher calmly asking himself to luncheon with him, but it ought tohave shown that I had a certain amount of confidence in him, for even Icould not have asked myself to a meal with Mr. Edwardes. I doubt, however, if he ever thought of it in that light, for he had been Subbyfor five rather troubled years, and had so much to do with dealing withmen who did things they ought not to have done, that he could have hadno time to wonder why they did them. 

We began by condemning practical jokes, which was very tactful of him;he said that he knew only one good practical joke, and that was playedupon himself, but he would not tell me what it was though I promisedthat I would never try it on anybody. Then we talked about all sortsof things, until I had been with him nearly an hour, and theconversation was inclined to droop. 

"Do you sleep very badly?" I asked, because I had heard several dodgesfor getting rid of insomnia, and I should like to have done somethingfor him. 

He blinked at me for an instant, and I think he was wondering what Iwas driving at, for I suppose it would not do for a Subby to sleep toosoundly. "I am thankful to say I have never been troubled withsleeplessness, " he said, and he looked rather drowsy at that moment. 

"Some men do tell the most awful lies, " I meant to say to myself, butsomehow or other I said it much louder than I intended. 

But he took no notice, and after thanking him very much I left him, feeling that I had another ally; but it is never prudent to reckon upona man who has to look after the conduct of the college, he gets worriedand then does not understand things quite right. 

Lambert's head was poking out of Learoyd's window as I went backthrough the front quad, and thinking that I might as well get thisthing finished off at once, I ran up-stairs and found Dennison and himin possession of Learoyd's rooms. 

"Much of a row?" Dennison said, with a kind of sickly sarcastic smilewhich meant that he had scored off me pretty badly. 

"Row?" I asked. 

"Was the Subby furious?"

"I have been lunching with him, " I answered; "I hope your lunch was notspoilt by waiting for me to come out. "

They did not know what to say to this, so Dennison went on smiling andLambert stroked his upper lip with one finger. 

"You were nicely scored off, " Dennison said at last. 

"I had a jolly good lunch, " I replied. 

"Dennison doesn't make a bad Subby, and I imitate his writing prettywell, " Lambert said. 

"The Subby himself must decide that, when he finds out who was assenough to buy a beard like his. "

This reduced them to silence again, until Lambert said that he did notsee how anybody could find out. 

"The Subby is much more wide-awake than you think. I wouldn't care tobe in Dennison's place, he has just done the one thing which dons can'tstand. However, the Subby is a rare good sort, and I shouldn't wonderif he let the thing drop, especially as it is the end of term, " I said. 

"You looked fairly sick this morning, " Dennison remarked, but he wasmore vicious and less smiling than he had been at the beginning. 

"You took me in all right, " I acknowledged, "and I hope you won't hearany more about it. "

"What did you tell the Subby?" he asked. 

"Not much, " and if he was fool enough to think that there was anychance of the Subby trying to find out anything, I thought I had betterleave him to his doubts, so I went round to my rooms, and having got astraw-hat, I started off to see Fred; and fortunately I found him atOriel trying to make his cricket-bag hold more things than it was meantto hold. He did not look particularly pleased to see me, but I havenever yet met a man who can pack and be in a good temper at the sametime. 

"Where are you off to?" I asked, for there were still some days beforethe end of the term. 

"I am going to Brighton to-night with Henderson. "

"How did you manage to get leave?"

"We have both been seedy, and Rushden wanted us to go before we playSurrey again. In my last three innings I've made seven runs, and Ishould think Rushden begins to wish he had never given me my blue. Idon't feel as if I should ever make another run. "

"Your dons must be good sorts, " I said. 

"They're all right, " he answered, and he sat down in a chair by thewindow and looked so unlike himself that I knelt down on the floor andtook everything out of the bag. Then I packed my best, which must havebeen worse than anybody else's except Fred's, and when I had finished, though the bag still bulged and was not a thing to be proud of, it didnot bulge so very badly; at any rate Fred said it would do, but when Ilooked at him again I forgot entirely that I had intended to be angrywith him. 

"What's the matter?" I asked. 

"Nothing to speak of. I've had a cold and a headache, and just rottenlittle things like that. Brighton will cure me, " but he didn't speakas if he cared whether it did or not. 

"You've got to come to us directly that reading party is over or Iwon't have this cheque, and if I don't take the cheque I shall be in anawful hole, " I said, for I can't lead up to things. 

"I would very much rather not come, " he answered. 

"Why?"

"Oh, I don't know, " he said, and then he got up and gave the bag a kickwhich, landing on a bat, hurt his toe. "You're the best fellow in theworld, Godfrey, but you don't understand. "

"There is something odd the matter with you, or you wouldn't say that. We don't say things like that to each other. "

"Won't you come down to Cornwall?"

"No, I won't. "

"Is Ward going to stay with you?"

"My people have asked him. "

"And is he going?"

"He seems to think he is. I told him the boat was rotten and the cobfat, and that there was nothing on earth to do, " I added most stupidly, but I had no idea then that any one could really be troubled by thingswhich had never affected me in the least. 

"And he is going all the same, " Fred said, and he did not look a bitmore cheerful. 

So I sat forward in my chair and talked to him. It does not matterwhat I said, but I kept clear of Nina, and told him my people would bedesperately sick with him, which made him uncomfortable, because he andmy mother liked each other very much. I also told him that he wastreating me badly; but I soon had to drop that, because he did not seemto think that it would make any difference how he behaved to me. However, I stirred him up, and if ever a man wanted stirring up he did;so at last he promised that he would come to us in September and stayuntil the end of the vac, if he was wanted. I told him that if no oneelse wanted him I always should; but this remark did not appear tocheer him up at all, and I began to think he must be bilious. I knowthat whenever I had a cold at one of my private schools, the wife ofthe head-master always said it came from eating too much. But she wasa curious woman with a large imagination, and when I wouldn't eatboiled rice and rhubarb-jam she told me that it was rice that made theniggers such fine men; this, however, did not have the effect upon mewhich she desired, for I was only eight years old, and had got an ideathat if I agreed to eat rice I should become black. That lady has mademe think ever since that from whatever cause an illness comes it isnever from over-eating. 

So I soon rejected the theory of Fred being bilious, though any reasonfor his unfitness except Nina would have been welcome. After a fewminutes spent in the unsatisfactory pursuit of finding out that mybatting average for St. Cuthbert's was 2. 4, which I discovered not formy own gratification but to please Fred, Henderson came in, lookingmore freckled than ever and not in the least ill. 

"You have got to come to Cornwall with us, hasn't he?" he said at once. 

"The brute won't come, " Fred said. 

"You will have to; you know all the men, and they all want you to come. We will have a rare good time--only Fred and Hawkins have to work hard, the rest of us are not going to do much. "

"I have to work all the vac, " I said sorrowfully, and Fred, who hadsmiled at my average, began to laugh once more, and he really seemed tobe much more cheerful when I saw him and Henderson off at the station, than he had been earlier in the afternoon. 

The last few days of the term were terribly dull, because some of ushad to do collections, and my papers did not altogether please Mr. Edwardes. I promised again that I would do a lot of work in the vac;but Jack Ward arranged that he would come down and stay with usdirectly after the 'Varsity match was over, and I could not be expectedto allow him to loll in a boat and play the fool without restraint. 

I had not been at home in June for years, and June is the month inwhich to see my mother's garden. Everything went swimmingly for a dayor two; Fred made a lot of runs against Sussex, and Henderson--whoseblue was very uncertain--made seventy-six. I was enormously pleased, and suggested at dinner that we should all go up to town to see Fredplay in the 'Varsity match. My father and mother were rather delightedwith the idea, and said they would go if Nina cared to come with us. 

"It's the middle of the season, " I said promptly, for I suppose I wasgetting artful. 

"I would rather not go, " Nina said decidedly, "but do take Godfrey upwith you. "

"I shan't leave you here by yourself, " my mother answered. 

"It's a pity Miss Read has gone, " I put in, and Nina looked verysavagely across the table at me. 

"You had better go up by yourself, " my father said. 

"Don't you want to see Fred playing in his first 'Varsity match--youcame up in December to see me play?" I asked Nina. 

But she simply went on eating her fish as if I had not spoken, and Iwished again that Miss Read had not left us. 

CHAPTER XVII

THE PROFESSOR AND HIS SON

There is not much room for a feud in a small family, and, thankgoodness, I did not belong to a large one. Collier had five brothersand four sisters, some of whom were never on speaking terms with theothers except at Christmas or a birthday when, from habit, theydeclared a truce. "The truce is no good, " Collier said to me when hetold me about it, "because the only thing which happens is that theychange sides. I believe they pick up. " "What happens to you?" Iasked. "Oh, I'm neutral, a sort of referee, and have a worse time thananybody, " he replied, and I was glad that fate had not decreed that Ishould be born into the Collier family. 

I am sure that had I been able to find any one else to talk to, Ishould have left Nina alone after she had refused to go to the 'Varsitymatch. It would have been a great effort, but I thought that Nina wasgoing out of her way to be particularly horrid, and she liked talkingas much as I did. Silence, an air of offended dignity, the sort ofnot-angry-but-very-sorry business, would have been a heavy punishmentfor her if I could only have inflicted it, but when my father andmother were engaged there was often nobody, except Nina, to ask to doanything. So after wasting one beautiful afternoon I decided that thebest thing I could do was to come to a plain understanding with her. 

Fortified by my idea, but at the same time rather nervous, because Iknew that unless you are a master and the other person happens to be aboy it is much easier to talk about a plain understanding than toarrive at it, I strolled on to the lawn, and after taking a circuitousroute I sat down by Nina. I had got her at a disadvantage because shewas reading a book which my mother had said was good for her, and if Isat there long enough and bounced a tennis-ball up and down in front ofme I knew she was bound to talk. For some reason or other I did notfeel like beginning, and this disinclination did not come fromchivalry, but I must confess from fear, Nina being armed with all sortsof weapons which if I had possessed I should not have known how to use. 

"You seem to be very busy, " she said after I had bounced my ball up anddown two hundred and eleven times without missing it. I took no noticeof that remark except to count out loud. "Twelve, thirteen, fourteen"I went on carefully, and when I was half-way through fifteen she threwher hat at the ball and, by a miracle, hit it. 

"You are as big a baby now as you were ten years ago, " she said. 

"I only wish you were, " I answered, and threw the ball away from me. 

"So that I might everlastingly fetch and carry for you and Fred, " shereplied quickly. 

"That isn't true, " I retorted; "at least if it is true of me it isn'tof Fred. He always treats you well. "

"You will talk to me about Fred until I shall positively hate him. "

"I want to talk about him now, " I said. 

"Of course you do, he is your favourite topic of conversation, " andreally I believe she knew that if she attacked me I should forget totalk about Fred. 

"You don't seem to see what a friend he is of mine, " I answered. 

"If I liked all the friends of every one I know, I should never haveany time to do anything else. "

"You forget that I happen to be your brother, " I said, but I might haveknown better than to make such a remark, for she seemed to think it wasamusing. 

"Sometimes you are quite delicious, " she returned, and I began to feelthat we were as far off a plain understanding as we had ever been. 

"Look here, Nina, you are beginning to give yourself airs, and it istime some one told you, " I began desperately. "You will be known as anice girl gone wrong; you were nice once, and now you talk as if youknow a lot of people and try to make out you are about twice as old asyou really are. It won't do, it really won't; what's the good ofpretending things, it's such a waste of time?"

She looked away from me when I had finished, and I had not the vaguestidea how she would reply, but at any rate she did not laugh. 

"You are really serious for once, " she said half questioningly. 

"I often try to be serious, only no one ever suspects it, " I answered, unable to keep myself out of it. 

"But you are always one-sided. "

I very nearly said that I had only spoken for her good, but managed tostop myself, because no one ever believes you when you say it. Besides, it would have annoyed her, so I was silent. 

"You see you have not got much older, and I have. I couldn't bounce aball up and down two hundred and thirteen times now. "

Again I used abstinence and stopped myself from telling her that shecould never have done it, for she was quite solemn, and I thought wewere getting at something. I hoped, too, that we should get itquickly, for a tired feeling was creeping over me. 

"You are only eighteen, " I said. 

"I am nineteen next week, " she answered, and I knew that she meant thisboth as a rebuke and a reminder. 

"That's not very old. "

"It's old enough for me to know that you and I will never quarrel abouttrifles, " she said. 

"Then will you come to the 'Varsity match?" I asked. 

"You don't think the 'Varsity match a trifle, do you?"

"I'm not going to sit here and quibble; you're too clever altogether, "I said, and I got up and wondered in which direction there was most todo, but Nina stood up, too, and put her hand through my arm. 

"Let us go for a walk by the river before dinner, " she said, and afterasking what good she thought that would do I went. 

"My dear Godfrey, you are simply splendid, " she went on, "the dearestold bungler I know. You remind me of the Faulkners' ostrich, whichgoes on tapping at the window when it has been opened and there isnothing to tap at. "

I did not know what she meant, and if that ostrich had not been rathera friend of mine I should have been insulted. As it was I did not feelpleased. 

"You will spend your life running your head against brick walls, " shecontinued. 

"I am not going down to the river if you are going to preach to me, "but we were already half-way there. "What about the 'Varsity match?"

"You don't understand things, Godfrey. "

"Fred has told me that already, " I said sulkily. 

"Oh, has he?" she replied, and I saw that I had stumbled upon somethingwhich made her think. We sat down by the river and did not speak toeach other for a long time, and when Nina broke the silence her moodhad changed completely. She cajoled me; I think that must have beenwhat she did, and I was weak enough to like it. It was so nice to haveme home again; we were going to have a splendid time together, wealways had been together; Mrs. Faulkner said Oxford spoiled so many menat first, it made them prigs; but there was no chance of me becoming aprig, I was just the best sort of brother in the world, because when Idid meddle in other people's business I hated doing it, and did it allwrong; in the future she would try to do everything to please me, forshe was never happy unless I was. As regards my digestion, I certainlymust have resembled the Faulkners' ostrich, for I swallowed all this;and when we had walked back home I felt as if my attempt to come to anunderstanding had not been a failure. 

When, however, I thought over what she had said I was not so pleased, for I began to see that if the summer was to be splendid and I was notto be called a prig I must give up the idea of taking her to the'Varsity match. In fact, in ten minutes I had come to the conclusionthat I had been made a fool of, but no one could expect me to begin thething all over again. I made a resolution then, which is worthrecording because I kept it, that I would never tackle Nina again aboutmy friends; she was too much for me, I acknowledged to myself, andapart from determining that she should at least behave decently toFred, I made up my mind to keep clear of things which seemed altogetherout of my line. 

It was arranged finally that I should go alone to town for the 'Varsitymatch, and should bring Jack Ward back with me. My mother said I muststay with the Bishop, and if she had not wanted me to go very much Ithink I should have found a number of reasons why I had better staywith him at some other time. For though the Bishop in the country hadmade himself quite pleasant, I had a sort of feeling that he had hiseye on me and that this visit would be one of inspection. Myreluctance was apparent to Nina, and one evening she mentioned itbefore dinner. 

"I don't see what there is to be afraid of. Think of him as an uncle, "she said. 

"I am not afraid of a hundred bishops, " I answered. 

"Then you needn't be nervous about going to stay with half one, becausehe's only a suffragan. "

"You shouldn't speak of your uncle in that way, Nina, " my mother said. "It makes no difference whether he is an archbishop or a curate, but Iwon't have him spoken of as if he is a fraction. "

"Godfrey used to hate him, at any rate, " she replied, simply to createa diversion. 

"I am sure he didn't, " and my mother's eyes turned questioningly uponme. 

"I did rather bar him at one time until he was decent in the summer, heused to think himself so funny, " I explained. 

"I wish you would talk English, " my father said. "Dinner is already aquarter of an hour late, I am going into the dining-room. " He marchedoff quickly and Nina began to laugh, but I think she must also havebeen a little ashamed of herself. 

"I am a scapegoat for everybody, " I said to her; "for you, the cook, and the gardener's boy, whose whistle is always mistaken for mine. "

"Never mind, " she answered, "you don't look very depressed. "

"It isn't fair, all the same; you don't play the game, " and as mymother had already gone into the dining-room to sit rebukefully at afoodless table I followed her. 

These solemn waitings, which did not happen unfrequently, were comicalto me, and since my father never could understand why Nina and I wereamused at them, he had generally forgotten his original grievancebefore dinner began. 

When I got to London I could not help being struck by the differencebetween a bishop at work and a bishop at play. The chief impression Igot of my uncle was of a man most strenuously at labour; if he wantedto lecture me he never had time to do it, and nearly the first thing hesaid was that I was to do exactly as I liked, and he gave me alatch-key so that I might feel that I was a bother to nobody. He wasso extraordinarily kind and simple that I wondered how on earth it wasthat I had really hated him at one time, for I had hated him quitehonestly, and I came to the conclusion that as soon as he had ceased tobe a pompous humorist he had become a very nice man. At any rate he nolonger made jokes, and I never had been able to think them good ones, because those which I remembered had been nearly always directed at me. 

The 'Varsity match was a complete failure owing to the weather, and wasnever likely to be finished. Fred made fifteen in the one Oxfordinnings, and as the whole side made under a hundred, he didn't do sobadly. But I think Cambridge might have won if the game had beenplayed out, so when it poured with rain on the third day, I did notmind very much, apart from the fact that Lord's in wet weather is aterribly dismal place. I went back about one o'clock to my uncle'shouse and having found a huge London directory, I hunted for the nameof Owen. I soon found an address in Victoria Street, which seemed tobe the one for which I was looking. "Professor of Gymnastics, Boxingand Fencing" was pretty well bound to be right, and in the afternoon Istarted off to find Owen. 

I wanted to ask him to come and stay with us as soon as Jack Ward hadgone, and I had already told my mother about his illness, though I hadnever mentioned the life-saving tale. I had often wanted to ask myfather what really happened, only having made a promise, I had got tostick to it, and I wished I had never been fool enough to make it; itseemed to be making a lot of fuss about nothing. But, if I couldpersuade Owen to come, the whole thing would have to be cleared up, andI thought being in the country would do him so much good, that theProfessor would make him come whether he wanted to or not. I did notknow quite what my father would say when he heard all about Owen, forin some ways he belonged to what, I believe, is called "the oldschool, " and clung tenaciously to the belief that there was not aRadical yet born who did not work night and day for the destruction ofthe British Empire. We never talked politics at home, though sometimeswe listened to a lecture. But, as Owen said that he would never havelived if it had not been for my father, they ought, I imagined, to havea sort of friendly feeling for each other, though I cannot say that Ifelt any great confidence in this idea. I relied more on the fact thatas soon as you had removed the crust from my father, you found a hugelot of kindness underneath it. He liked to complain, and some people, who knew him very slightly, thought he liked nothing else, but theywere most hopelessly wrong. 

My chief recollection of that walk along Victoria Street is that myumbrella was constantly bumping into other umbrellas; I must have triedto walk too fast, and the result was that by the time I reached theProfessor's, I was hot and splashed, and my umbrella had a large rentin it. The door of the house was open, and I saw a notice hanging onthe side of the wall which told me to walk up-stairs. What I was to dowhen I had walked up-stairs puzzled me, so I went back into the street, and having rung a bell as a sort of announcement that some one wascoming, I went up slowly. The house seemed to be full of stuffinessand gloom, so much so that had I been unable to find either theProfessor or his son, I should not have been at all sorry. I was, however, met on the first landing by a servant who must have beencleaning a grate when I interrupted her. Her hair was straying overher face, and as she stood waiting for me to explain my business, shetried to arrange it properly, but she only succeeded in putting twolarge streaks of black upon her nose and forehead. 

"I want to see Professor Owen, " I said untruthfully. 

"'E's porely this afternoon. "

"Never mind, " I replied quickly, "is Mr. Owen in--his son?"

"'E don't live 'ere, 'e lives at West-'Am with 'is ornt. "

"Would you give me his address, I won't interrupt the Professor if heis not well?"

"Who may you be, I don't remember your fice?"

"I know Mr. Owen at Oxford, I have never been here before. "

She laughed for a moment and then said she should have to ask theProfessor for the address, but just as I was going to say I would writeand ask him to forward my letter, a door opened on my right, and anenormous man in a blue pair of trousers and a flannel shirt came outinto the passage. 

"This gent wants Mr. 'Ubert's address, " the servant said, anddisappeared very quickly up another flight of stairs. 

"Are you the Professor?" I asked. 

"That's me. "

I held out my hand, but the passage was dark and his attempt to gethold of it went wide. 

"Will you come into my room? Business, I suppose?"

I said it was business, and walked into a small sitting-room, whichseemed to be furnished principally with a table, a big arm-chair, andempty bottles. 

"I'm cleaning up a bit to-day, you must excuse the bottles, " he said, and put his hands on the table. I would have excused everything ifonly the room had not been so dreadfully close, and I stood while theProfessor looked at the bottles and finally picked one up and put itdown again in the same place. Then, as if the exertion was too muchfor him, he sank with a thud into the chair. 

"You aren't well, I am afraid. "

"No, " he answered, "not at all well; damp heat always affects my head. "

I sat down on a box labelled "soda-water" and looked at him. My firstimpression of him had been one of huge strength, my second was one offlabbiness, and no one could help guessing the reason. Everythingabout him was huge except his eyes, and they might have been had I beenable to see what they were like, but all I could see was the puffinessbeneath them, and that was enough to make me wish I had never come. Istared at him for some time, but he did not speak, and at last he beganto breathe so heavily that I had to interrupt him. "I say, Professor, "I began, and he jumped up and began to rub his eyes. Then he sat downagain and putting his elbows on his knees looked at me as if he wastrying to remember what brought me there. 

"This is my afternoon off, " he said; "I have no pupils until to-morrowat ten o'clock, and then I give a fencing-lesson to the Honourable Mr. Bostock. Perhaps you know him?"

I said that I did not, and I thought the Professor was a snob. 

"What can I do for you? Fencing or boxing? I trained Ted Tucker yearsago--you remember Ted Tucker, the Bermondsey Bantam as they called him?My eye, he was a hot 'un with his fists. "

I had never heard of Ted Tucker, and said so. 

"You don't seem to know anybody, " he replied, and for the life of me Icould not help laughing. 

"Look here, young man, I'm not going to be laughed at. I may have mylittle weakness, but I keep my self-respect, and I'd like you toremember that, if you can remember anything. Who are you, I've askedyou that before, and where did you come from?" He glared angrily in mydirection and I did not like the look of him at all. 

"I came to see your son, " I answered; "I don't want to fence or box, but his address. "

His manner changed at once. "Are you from Oxford?" he asked. 

"Yes. "

"And you call on my afternoon off, that's most unlucky. " He talked allright but his legs were uncertain, and when he stood up he found themantelpiece useful. "Rheumatism, I'm a martyr to it, " he said. 

"Very painful, " I remarked, and got off my soda-water case. 

"Don't get up, it's passing off. If you're from Oxford, I must put ona coat and collar. Would you oblige me with your name?"

"Godfrey Marten, " I said. 

"Colonel Marten's son? Here, sit in this chair. I must put on twocoats, " and he made a most gurgly kind of sound which must have meantthat he was amused with himself. Then he looked towards the door as ifwondering whether he could reach it. 

"Please don't put on anything for me, " I said, and I took his arm anddirected him back to the chair. 

"Your father saved my life, and you're the very image of him. It'senough to upset an old man like me, " and without the slightest warningtears began to roll down his checks. 

"Cheer up, " I said, for I felt very uncomfortable. 

"And you'll go and tell him that you found me--that you called on myafternoon off. "

"I shan't, " I said stoutly. 

"And you've been a good friend to Hubert. "

"That's nothing; I want his address in West Ham. "

"Don't say it's nothing, no deed of kindness was yet cast away in thisworld of sin, " and two more tears began to roll. 

"Stop that kind of thing, I simply can't stand it. Pull yourselftogether, " I said, "and if you will give me his address I'll go. "

"Don't go, you must stay and have a cup of tea. The Colonel, I hopehe's well?"

"He's all right; you write to him still, don't you?"

"No, I never write to him. "

"Hubert told me you did. "

"He made a mistake. The Colonel and I quarrelled, but you must neversay a word. I was treated badly, but I don't bear anybody any grudge, leastways not to the man who saved my life. Hasn't he ever told youabout it?"

"Never. "

"That's like him, but he will never want to hear my name again; Ishould take it as a favour if you will not mention it. "

"Why shouldn't I?" I asked. 

He stood up again and was ever so much better. 

"I was misunderstood, " he said. 

"How did you ever know anything about me?"

"The gymnasium instructor at Cliborough is my brother-in-law. He wasin the old regiment. He told me about you. "

"He taught me fencing, " I said, and added, "But why did you want Hubertto see me?"

"You do want to get to the bottom of things; would you like some tea?"

I did not want any tea, but I asked if I might open the window, andthen I took my case across the room and got some air. 

"It's right for every man to have one ambition, " he said, in the waywhich made me loathe him. 

"What's yours?" I asked promptly. 

"That Hubert shall be a gentleman, that's why I wanted him to know you, only he's so shy----"

"Good gracious!" was all I could exclaim, and it did not express myastonishment in the least. 

"You'd have done very well for my job if he'd only buttoned on to you. "

"He is not the kind of man to 'button on. '"

"Don't you teach your grandfather to suck eggs, " he said angrily. "Ilike your impudence, but I'm busted if I can put up with it, " butbefore I could answer him he was apologizing and shaking my hand mostvigorously. 

At that moment Hubert opened the door, and both saw and heard what washappening. 

The Professor turned round quickly and forgot to drop my hand, with theresult that I was pulled from my soda-water case on to the floor. 

"I thought, " he gasped, "it was old Ally Sloper. "

I managed to escape from him and to stand up. Hubert, however, did notsay anything, but began to brush my coat with his hand. 

"Who is Ally Sloper?" I asked, for I began to think that the Professor, who was looking ashamed of himself, was a lunatic. 

"He's Mr. King, the man who helps me at Oxford, he dresses ratherfunnily, " Hubert explained. 

"He bothers me when I am not well, " the Professor added, but he did notseem certain what line to take and kept his back turned to both of us. 

"If you would only be well, he wouldn't bother you, " Hubert said atonce. 

"I am better than I used to be. You know how the weather upsets me, Ihaven't had an afternoon off for six weeks. Ask Emily, " and when heturned round the tears were once more rolling down his cheeks, and Iwas desperately afraid that I was in for a regular scene. 

"You are nearly all right now, " I said, "and I must be going if Hubertwill walk a little way with me. "

He took my hand again and held it. "You will not think very badly ofan old man who has served his country, " he said. 

"No, but I do think you ought to be----" and then I stopped. 

"What?"

"It's no business of mine. "

"You are the son of the man who saved my life. "

"Oh don't, " I replied, and a tear dropping plump on the back of my handsettled me. "I was going to say ashamed of yourself. "

"To think that any one should say that in the presence of my son, " hesaid, and dropped my hand. 

"I have said it a hundred times, but no one else has ever had the pluckto, " Hubert put in. 

"Kick a worm when he doesn't turn, " he said confusedly. 

"That's all rot, " I answered, and something compelled me to walk up tohim and tap him on the shoulder. "You aren't a worm, and I wouldn'tdare to kick you. Wouldn't dare, do you see; you're a fine, big chap, why in heaven's name don't you pull yourself together? I don't knowmuch about it, but I'll bet it's worth it. A man like you oughtn't togo crying like a baby. "

"No sympathy, " he moaned. 

"Rot, " I said again. "I shall tell my uncle about you, he'll be ajolly useful friend. "

"What's he?"

"A parson. "

"Two pennuth of tea and a tract. No thanks, " he shook his headdecidedly. 

"He's not that kind. A man isn't bound to be an ass because he is aparson. "

"You seem to have kind of taken charge of me, " he said. 

"I don't mean any harm, " and then, for it was no time for facts, Iadded, "I like you, you are an awfully good sort, really. "

"Me and the parson uncle, " he said, and he gave a hoarse chuckle. "Weshould do well in double harness. I'd pull his head off in about tenminutes. "

"May I ask him to call on you?"

"You'd better see what Hubert says. I'm only a dummy. "

"A good big dummy, " I answered, with the intention of taking myself offpleasantly. 

"Oh, be rude. Trample on me, call me names, " and then swelling out hischest and glaring at me, he added, "Hit me. "

"I shouldn't care to risk it, " I returned, and asked Hubert, who hadbeen walking aimlessly round the room, if he was ready. 

We left at last, and were pursued down-stairs by volleys of apologies. I had to stop twice and shout back that I was not offended and that Iforgave everything, though from the way I had talked to him it struckme that he had about as much to forgive as I had. 

We walked towards Victoria without speaking, and when I did try to talkI was most horribly hoarse, I must have fairly shouted at the Professor. 

"My father's often like that after an afternoon off, " Owen saidpresently. "He's first angry and then apologetic, and in the end he'smost horribly ashamed of himself. Wednesday afternoon is his worsttime, and I generally try to be with him and then he's all right, but Igot stopped to-day. He comes down to my aunt's on Sundays, though hehates it. "

"I believe he would like my uncle, he wouldn't jaw and cant. "

"Do as you like. I've never thanked you, except in letters, for seeingme through that illness. "

"How are you now?"

"All right; I feel as if I have been ill, that's all. "

"You've got to come down to Worcestershire, " I said; "a fortnight therewill do you more good than years of West Ham. "

"I can't do that, " he answered at once. 

We turned into Victoria Station and sat down on a bench. For someminutes I listened to his objections and answered them; in all my lifeI do not think I have ever been quite so sorry for any one, though Ihad sense enough not to tell him so. I felt rather a brute when I lefthim; it seemed to me that I had been having a most splendid timewithout knowing it, while he had been having a very wretched one, but Ican't keep on feeling a brute long enough for it to do me any good, iffeeling a brute ever does any good. 

I overcame all Owen's objections, and I made him promise to come toWorcestershire, but as soon as I had time to think about it I wonderedwhat on earth I should do with him when I had got him. I could counton my mother as an ally. I did not altogether know what my fatherwould think, and Nina, as far as I was concerned, was represented by xin a problem to which no one had ever found an answer which wasanything like right. 

The first thing to do, however, was to go for the Bishop, and I think Ican say that I went for him at some length. I didn't explain well, orhe was very stupid, because he got dreadfully mixed up before he gotthe facts of the case clearly, and I can't say that he seemedaltogether pleased when I told him that I had as good as promised thathe would be a friend to the Professor. 

"As it is, I am rushed off my legs. Who was it you said he hadtrained?"

"Ted Tucker. " I had brought that in as a piece of local colour orwhatever it is called, just to liven things up a bit, but I am afraidit was a mistake. 

"You see, I don't know anything about prize-fighters. I did box once, but that's years ago. "

"Why, you're the very man, " I exclaimed. "He'd love you; he's not abit more like a prize-fighter than he is like a Professor, he's morelike a sort of prehistoric man in blue trousers and a shirt. "

But prehistoric men did not seem to appeal to my uncle any more thanprize-fighters. He looked very sombre indeed, so much so that I wasquite impressed, but I had taken this job in hand and really had to seeit through. So I talked, and I won in the way all my few triumphs havebeen won, by talking until the other man wanted to go to bed. 

"I like your enthusiasm, Godfrey, " he said at last, "and I wouldn'tcheck it for the world. I will do all I possibly can, both with theProfessor and with your people. But you can't persuade me that yourfather will like the son of a man, who has been dismissed from the armyfor some cause, to come down and stay with you. "

"Don't you tell that to anybody else, " I said. "Owen only told me thisafternoon, he's only just found it out himself. "

"Are you going to tell your father all this?"

"Everything except that the Professor gets drunk now, and you're goingto stop that, " I added cheerfully. 

"Oh, am I?" he answered, "I can't help wishing that it had not rainedthis afternoon and that you had been safely at Lord's. "

"Well you can't say that I've wasted my time. "

"You have got your hands too full, considering that you have promisedto work this summer. Don't forget you have got to work, we don't wantany fourth in Mods, " and then he wished me good-night, and on the nextday I went home with Jack Ward, who had a most astounding lot ofluggage. 

I am not going to describe my first summer vac at any length, becauseif I once began I should not have any idea when to stop, it was thekind of time which made gloomy people cheerful and cheerful peoplegloomy; silly, ridiculous things happened, and Mrs. Faulkner was at thebottom of most of them. She even found a niece for me, but that cameto nothing, for the niece was a very nice girl and in a week weunderstood each other beautifully. She stayed a month with theFaulkners and thought of me as a brother, which was most satisfactory;sometimes, however, she treated me like one and then I was not sopleased. 

Jack Ward and Nina, in my opinion, behaved none too well; but my fatherliked Jack and my mother did not say much about him, which explains thewhole thing. He was always ready to do anything, and his only fault inmy father's eyes was that he was never in time for breakfast. 

I was chiefly engaged during his visit in paving the way for Owen's. Itold my mother everything and wanted to tackle my father at once, butshe said I must wait for a favourable opportunity. I waited a wholeweek, and it had a most depressing effect on me, so I just walked intohis study at last and got it over. It happened to be a damp day, during which he had felt two twinges of lumbago, but he forgot thosetwinges before he had done with me. I bore everything he saidsilently, because when he is in a furious rage in the beginning hetails off wonderfully at the end. It seemed that he had a very lowopinion of the Professor, and he declared emphatically that he was notgoing to have his house made into a sanatorium. I listened to a crowdof disagreeable facts about my new friend, and my father declared thateven the sight of his son would give him an attack of gout. "It istrue, " he said, "that I did save his life, and he had, as far as thatwent, cause to be grateful, and he wasn't grateful but a disgrace tothe regiment. I want to forget all about the man and then you rake himup again, and you say that stupid uncle of yours, who plays cricketwhen he ought to be writing sermons, is going to be a friend to him. It's more than I can or will put up with, " and he banged _TheNineteenth Century_ down on his writing-table so violently that heupset a vase of roses and some of the water went into his ink-pot. After that he was incoherent for a minute, and I, not knowing what tosay, remarked that the Bishop could not be expected to write sermonsduring his holidays. 

"A bishop ought always to be writing sermons, " was his only answer, andI guessed that his rage had reached its climax. I tried to lower theflood on his table by means of my pocket-handkerchief, and waited. 

"What sort of a fellow is this son who pushes himself upon you in thisway? It's monstrous. "

"He's quiet and all right, and he has never pushed himself at all. Imade him promise to come; he didn't want to, only it's his chance toget well and he must take it. You would have done the same thing. "

"What's he like?"

"He's not exactly like any one else I know at Oxford, but----"

"Of course he isn't. "

"I was going to say no one could possibly dislike him. "

"I suppose he will have to come, but I want you to understand that infuture I insist on knowing whom you want to ask here before you askthem. I am exceedingly annoyed, I shall go and see your mother. "

I went with him, as when I am about I generally manage to absorb mostof his anger, but after a few outbursts my mother soothed him, and inthe end he even gave a grim sort of smile when I said that unless hehad saved the Professor there would have been no bother about his son. 

"Don't call that man a Professor, " he said, "he's a humbug, he alwayswas and always will be, and if it wasn't that I am sorry for a son whohas such a father I wouldn't be talked over by you. But you have givenyour uncle something to think about, " and that idea sent him smiling tothe window. 

One most splendid thing happened while Jack Ward was staying with us, for just before he was going away Nina fell into the river again andJack was superb enough idiot to repeat his previous performance andjump in after her. I met them trying to get into the house by a backway, and from the look of them I saw that they were feeling rathersilly. It is all very well to fall into one river, but when you startgoing overboard anywhere the thing becomes comical, and they fell fromtheir high position as rescued and rescuer and had to put up with agood deal of wit, as we understood it at home. I didn't say much, because Nina was better than I was at saying things, but whenever I sawher I gave way to fits of silent laughter. I can't think how I thoughtof that dodge, it was so extraordinarily successful and so far above myaverage efforts, and as soon as I saw that it was working properly, Idid not mind being called anything she liked. And my father, beingparticularly well just then, helped me by what, I was determined tobelieve, were very humorous remarks. Jack did not hear many of them, but the few he did hear must have upset him a little, for he tried toexplain himself by saying that he would jump into anything to save akitten, which from the look of Nina did not seem to satisfy her much. In the end I don't believe she was as sorry for Jack to go as I was. She could not stand being a family joke, and I, having suffered in thatway many times, could have sympathized with her if I had not thoughtthat it was much the best thing which could happen. 

I felt dull after Jack went, for he was the sort of man who doesbrighten up a place, and he was never by any chance bored; besides, Iwas wondering how I could make Owen enjoy himself, because the onlything I knew about him was that he did not care for any exercise exceptwalking, and I hoped that he would be reasonable about the distances hewanted to go. 

However, the day before he was to come, Miss Read arrived, which was anidea of my mother's, and a very good one. Miss Read had been Nina'sgoverness for eight years, and she knew all of us better than we knewourselves. She was a kind of tonic when any of us were depressed, anda cooling draught when we were angry; in my case she had seldom been atonic, but all the same when she had left us at Easter I was verysorry. She was the only person I have ever seen of whom Nina wasreally afraid. I am sure she could have told some funny tales if shehad felt inclined. She was supposed to be coming to see Nina, who wasgoing to Paris in a few weeks to be "finished, " but I am sure that mymother thought Owen would like her, and that she would like him. Andas it happened, they were both botanists and butterfly-catchers, atleast Miss Read knew a lot about butterflies, though her time forcatching them had gone by, and they were always doing things together. 

Worcestershire must certainly be a better place than West Ham for abotanist, and after Owen had got used to us I believe he enjoyedhimself. We worked together in the mornings, which pleased my father, and he let my mother give him as much medicine as she wanted to, whichpleased her, and I feeling virtuous after reading every morning fornearly four hours, was very pleased with myself. But he was in amortal terror of Nina, though she really never gave him any cause tobe, and made the most valiant efforts to learn the Latin names ofplants. Miss Read and he made excursions and grubbed about in hedges, and Nina and I often met them at some place to have tea. It wasn'tvery exciting, for I had always to carry the kettle and the things toeat; but the sun shone most of the time, which was really a blessing, because on wet days Owen persuaded me to work in the afternoons as wellas the mornings, and that was more than I had ever thought of doing ina vac. 

I suppose Owen was what is generally called a smug, but he was not oneby choice but by compulsion, which is the best kind I should think. Hewas so totally different from any other kind of friend I have ever hadthat I sometimes caught myself wondering whether I really liked him. But I could always satisfy myself about that, for there was one thingabout him which no one could help liking; he was most tremendouslyclever and never tried to make out that he was, and having already seenplenty of people who were about as clever as I was, and who talked asif they were Solomon and Solon rolled into one, I was grateful to him. We got on very well together, though we had not got a single thing incommon, except that we both liked sunshine; and that can't be said tobe much, for I have only met one man in England who did not like thesun, and he had been affected, permanently, by too much of it. 

Men get blamed freely enough for putting on side about playing cricketand football well, and they deserve all they get, but the men who puton intellectual side ought, I think, to be spoken to more severely, because they get worse as they get older, while the first sort of sidegenerally dies an early death. Owen was a kind of encyclopaedia, whodid not air or advertise himself, and I thought him a very rarespecimen. Athletics meant no more to him than botany or butterfliesmeant to me, but when he went away my father said emphatically that itwas refreshing to think Oxford turned out some men who took interest inuseful things. I did not answer that remark, because he did not reallyknow very much about Oxford, and his occasional hobby was that thecountry was being ruined by too many games. "A very well-conductedyoung man, " he said of Owen, "always up in the morning, and alwaysready to go to bed at night. "

"He looked much better when he went away than when he came, " my mothersaid; "I hope we shall see him down here again. "

"I think he means to make a name for himself, " Miss Read added; "heknows exactly what he wants. "

Nina yawned, and although I thought my father need not have describedOwen as a well-conducted young man, I was thankful that his visit hadpassed off so well, and I said nothing. 

After Owen had gone away we had a fellow to stay with us out of mybrother's regiment. He was home on sick-leave, but had quite recoveredfrom whatever had been the matter with him, and was as full of bounceas a tennis-ball. Mrs. Faulkner loved him and wanted Nina to followher example, as far as I could make out, for she gave a dance and amoonlight supper party on the river. Mr. Faulkner, who was always moreor less semi-detached, disappeared before the supper-party, which hetold me was a midsummer madness. 

"There will be a mist and the food will be damp and horrid, andeverybody will be wanting foot-warmers and hot-water bottles beforethey have done, you had better put on your thickest clothes and borrowmy fur overcoat, " he said to me. And he was a true prophet, for Ninacaught a violent cold in her head, which checked and really put a stopto a more violent flirtation. 

Nina went to Paris a few days after Fred came to us, and we all agreedthat she would enjoy herself there, though I do not believe that any ofus really thought she would. As a matter-of-fact she was so home-sickthat my mother would have gone to fetch her back if it had not been forMiss Read, who was blessed with much courage and common-sense. Mrs. Faulkner tried her hardest to persuade my mother to bring Nina homeagain, and she came to our house and wept so much that I thought shewas sure to win. But Miss Read met tears with arguments, until Mrs. Faulkner stopped crying, and having lost her temper, forgot that MissRead had not only been Nina's governess, but was also one of mymother's greatest friends. So Nina stayed in Paris, and I wrote to hertwice a week for a fortnight, but after that she began sending memessages in other people's letters, and I was sorry for her no longer. 

CHAPTER XVIII

THE ENERGY OF JACK WARD

After Nina went to Paris Fred spent most of his time in trying to becheerful, but for some days he looked as if he had lost something andexpected to find it round the next corner. I was very patient, thoughI do not believe he understood how often I wanted to argue with him. By the end of the vac, however, he had forgotten to be gloomy, and Ihoped that Oxford would cure him altogether, for he had a good chanceof getting his Rugger blue, and he had got to read; besides, I havenever been able to see that perpetual gloom is of any use to anybody. 

I went back to St. Cuthbert's full of desperate resolutions. I wantedto make every one in the college understand that it was the slackestplace in Oxford, and having done that I wished to find the men whowould make it keener. The scheme was a gigantic one for me to take up;it needed tact, and I went at it so vigorously that in a few days I hadoffended some men and had succeeded in making others look upon me as afreak. Dennison told me that I had a bee in my bonnet. If he had saidthat I was mad I should not have minded, but those horrid littleexpressions of his always tried me very much, and I am bound to confessthat my first efforts to rouse the college met with more ridicule thansuccess. Very few men seemed to care what happened to us, and nearlyeverybody pretended that our eight would rise again, and our footerteams cease to be laughed at, though no one tried to make them anybetter. Dennison wrote a skit called "The Decline and Fall of St. Cuthbert's"; and some artist, who thought that my nose was as big as myarm, made a drawing of me in which I was trying to carry the college onmy back, and was so overburdened by the weight of it that nothing butmy nose prevented me from being crushed to the ground. It was veryfunny and also very unfair in more ways than one, because I did notstart my crusade with any idea of becoming important, and I have nofeature which is superlatively large. 

This skit of Dennison's really settled me for a time, but I did stir upone or two men whom I had never expected to do anything. Jack Wardstopped driving about with Bunny Langham, and began to play footer, andCollier actually went down to the river every afternoon. Physicalincapability prevented him from rowing well, but he persuaded severalother men, who did not suffer as he did, to go through the samedrudgery, and for self-sacrifice I thought he was hard to beat, becausehe was quite a comical sight in a boat. What good did come from myfirst crusade was due chiefly to him; a kind of revivalist spirit wasupon him, and many unsuspecting freshers who had only thought of theriver as a place to avoid, were unable to resist his entreaties. 

The dons heard of my crusade, and I know that Mr. Edwardes did not likeit, but I had two of them on my side, and the others did not take anyactive measures against me. Mr. Edwardes took the trouble to tell methat I was mistaken in thinking that the reputation of St. Cuthbert'sdepended upon athletics, and I answered that I had never supposedanything of the kind, but that I thought a college which was slackabout other things would end by being slack in the schools. This replyof mine surprised him so much that he told me that any campaign to besuccessful must be managed by the right people, and I agreed with himcordially, for although I knew that plenty of men would have worriedeverybody out of their slackness much more successfully than I could, Iwas not going to tell him so. 

The Bursar supported me soundly, and we had a new don at the beginningof my second year who took a most invigorating interest in the college. He was known to us as "The Bradder, " and though his real name wasBradfield it was seldom used, and as far as we were concerned he couldhave done quite well without it. I had become so accustomed to ageddons that I could not understand him at first, he was so very young. He was also reported to be very clever, but I was so impressed by hisyouthfulness that it took me some time to believe that he would evercount for much. I ought, however, to have known that The Bradder wasnot the kind of man who would allow himself to become a nonentity, forhe was full of energy and determination. 

I was never able to find out how the dons heard of my scheme, but theyfind out most things by some extraordinary means, and The Bradder spoketo me very encouragingly about it, though he looked at me as if Iamused him in some odd sort of way. He also asked me to breakfast, which I thought was carrying kindness a little too far. I anticipatedthe usual thing--a crowd of men with large appetites, and a host whoabstained from food in his efforts to provide conversation; but when Iwent to The Bradder's rooms I found that I was in for a _tête-à-tête_, and my opinion of the other kind of breakfast rose considerably. As adon I was not in the least nervous of him, but as a host I thought hemight be overwhelming. 

That he ever lived through this meal without laughing was a marvel, forwhen I was sitting opposite to him my nervousness vanished, and I toldhim exactly what I thought about every subject he suggested, and it wasnot until I had left him that it occurred to me that I had been talkingnearly all the time, and that he had said very little. I determinedthat he was a most thoroughly good sort, but the idea of his being adon struck me as being absurd. I put him on my side with the Wardenand the Bursar, and thought that Mr. Edwardes was in a hopelessminority of one in persecuting me, for I looked upon the Subby as a manwho had been born to be neutral. I do not suppose that I should everhave started my first crusade if I had known that it was going to causethe mildest of sensations. As far as I had thought about it at all, Ihad imagined that everybody in St. Cuthbert's would be glad to see thecollege take its usual place again, and certainly I had no idea that Ishould be violently supported and opposed. The captains of everythingwere in favour of less slackness, but Dennison and all his set saidthat an Oxford college was not a public school, and talked a lot ofnonsense about the iniquity of compulsory games. No further proof isneeded to show how unfair they were, for a man must be mad to dream ofcompulsory games at Oxford, and such an idea never entered my head. But all this talking made me wish that I had never said or doneanything, and before long I was heartily tired of the whole thing, formy own affairs became rather more than I could manage. 

At the beginning of the term I had moved into larger rooms, and I waselected to both Vincent's and the St. Cuthbert's wine club. Murrayadvised me not to join the wine club, because I was an exhibitioner, and the dons would be sure to fix their eyes steadfastly upon me if Idid. But Jack Ward was very anxious for me to join, and every othermember, except Dennison, who was only elected when I was, spoke to meabout it. So I became one of the twelve Mohocks, which only meant thatI could give a guest a good dinner three or four times a term, andafter that take him to the rooms of the club where there was a bigdessert, and old Rodoski, who was concealed in the bedder, unless someone asked him to show himself, provided music. When we had finishedwith Rodoski we went out of college and played pool, and then we cameback and played cards. There was not much harm about the whole thing, and occasionally it was quite dull, but some of our dons had got holdof the idea that a Mohock must be a rowdy and riotous person. Mr. Edwardes was one of them, and I found out very soon that he consideredthat I ought not to have joined the club. I did not, however, feel inthe least like resigning, for though there were one or two members whotook delight in nothing which was not an orgie, they were generallysuppressed before they made much noise. A club of this kind depends agood deal upon its President, and we had a man who thought far too muchof the reputation of the Mohocks to insult his guests by a commonpandemonium. 

My position with Mr. Edwardes had become a critical one when I broke mycollar-bone playing against Richmond, and suddenly ceased to be aculprit and became an invalid. At the time I was very sick at myfooter ending so abruptly, but my accident was really a stroke of goodluck, for I feel certain that I should have been turned out of the'Varsity fifteen anyhow. An Irish international named Hogan had comeup who was, I thought, a really good full-back, and each time I wasasked to play for the 'Varsity I expected to be my last. But as soonas there was no chance of my playing against Cambridge I got no end ofsympathy, and nearly all the team told me that my absence weakened theside, though previously some of them had said the same thing about mypresence. My accident settled the question of who was to be the'Varsity back quite conveniently; it also made me give up all thoughtsof my crusade, and gave me plenty of time to read. I should not thinkanybody's collar-bone has ever been broken at such an opportune moment. Fred played against Cambridge, but our forwards were hopelessly beaten, and no one distinguished himself for us except Hogan, who lost twoteeth and covered himself with glory. 

At the end of the Lent term both Fred and I got seconds in Moderations;mine was not a good second and Fred's was almost a first, so what wouldhave happened if Fred had been smashed up instead of me is not worthinquiring, for there is no doubt that I did more work than he did. Murray got a first, which was what everybody expected; he was one ofthe few men I have ever seen who read logic because he liked it. 

I cannot say that Mr. Edwardes was very pleased about my second, for hehad told me I should be lucky to get a third, and in my case I believehe would rather have been a truthful prophet than a moderatelysuccessful tutor. When I asked him if I might read history for myfinal examinations he was doubtful if I was not seeking a degree by theleast fatiguing way, but The Bradder was a history tutor, and althoughI had found out that he was a very strenuous man, I meant to work withhim. So after many warnings against idleness I was allowed to do as Iwanted, and Mr. Edwardes got rid of me, which must have pleased himvery much. I do not think that any one else ever upset him socompletely as I did, and I have never been able to find out why hedisapproved of me to such an extent, unless it was that until I gotaccustomed to him I thought him funny, and when I think anybody oranything funny I have to laugh. No one else laughed at Mr. Edwardesexcept me, and I should not have done so if I could have helped it, butan unintentionally comic don causes a lot of trouble. 

Mr. Grace, the senior history don in St. Cuthbert's, was more like avery benevolent parent than a tutor. Perhaps he was rather old for hiswork, but he was so extraordinarily peaceful that you could not helpliking him, and I had a vague feeling that he was my grandfather. Thechange from Mr. Edwardes to him was like going to bed in a choppy seaand waking up in a punt on the Cherwell. I can't explain the feeling Ihad for him, but he seemed to be surrounded by a homely atmosphere, andhe reminded me of hot-water bottles and well-aired beds without makingme feel stuffy. You worked for him because it struck you as beinghopelessly unfair to annoy him if you could help it. He was a mostpleasant old gentleman, and a very convenient tutor to have in a summerterm. The Bradder, however, to whom I had also to read essays, scoffedwhen I told him that I had two years and a term before my examinations, and generally speaking allowed me to see that he was going to stand nononsense. If he had been less of a sportsman I should have thought himmore inconvenient, for I never found an excuse which he considered areasonable one, and after I had done two very short essays for him helet me understand that I must do more work if I wanted him to bepleasant. 

"Look here, Marten, it won't do, " he said to me when I had read mysecond essay to him, which even surprised me by its early closing. "This could not have taken you a quarter of an hour to write, and youhave read it in five minutes. "

I had tried to lengthen my essay by stopping to discuss any point whichmight make him talk, but he knew all about that time-worn device, andhad told me to finish reading before we discussed anything, and when Ihad finished there did not seem much to discuss. 

"It's the summer term, and I read very fast, " I said, because he waswaiting for me to say something. 

"Don't, " he answered; "poor excuses are worse than none. When I beganto read history, I wrote telegrams instead of essays, and I tried tomake my tutor talk so that he should fill up the time, just as you havedone. But I found out in a month that history is not a joke, and thatmy tutor was not a fool. You have got to read seriously, whatever elseyou may do; we may as well understand each other from the start. "

I gathered up my essay slowly, for he had, as he spoke, scattered whatthere was of it over the table. 

"It would be better to use a note-book than any odd piece of paper thathappens to come your way, " he said, and added, "if you are slack aboutyour work, you may end by being slack at other things. "

"So you have been talking to Mr. Edwardes about me, " I said, and I wasannoyed. 

"Perhaps it would be truer to say that Mr. Edwardes has been talking tome about you, " he answered. "You will probably like history very muchif you will only give yourself a chance; don't think a fourth is anygood to you--or me. "

"I'm only just through Mods, " I replied, "you do go at a fearful rate. "

"You will have to be bustled until you get interested, " he answered, "and I will bustle you all right, you can trust me to do that. "

I expect that The Bradder knew that I should not care about beingbustled by him, and the result of his conversation with me was that hegot a great deal of essay out of me with very little trouble tohimself, though I thought that he was mistaken in making me start atsuch a furious pace, and I asked him, without any effect, if he hadever heard of men being overtrained. 

Although no one expected our eight to make any bumps, I think theyastonished everybody by going down four places, and as we were beingbumped by colleges which were generally in danger of being bottom ofthe river, a wholesome feeling spread over most of us that as a jokeour rowing was nearly played out. We began to talk about what we woulddo next year, but Jack Ward was so disgusted with everything that hesuddenly determined that he had wasted nearly two years, and meant tomake up for lost time by doing everything with all his might. 

I thought these terrific resolutions came from a row he had withDennison about cards, a disagreeable row in which Dennison said suchnasty things that had I been Jack, I should have picked him up anddropped him out of the window; but by some extraordinary means Jackkept his temper until he told him to shut up, and that ended the wholething, for Dennison knew when it was wise to be silent. I did notthink much of Jack's resolutions, for he had been doing no work forsuch a long time and with such perfect success, that a complete changewas more than I was able to grasp. Every one in St. Cuthbert's wassupposed to read for honours in some school or other, and Jack, havingscrambled through pass "Mods, " had for a year pretended to read law. Inever saw him doing it, but he had a most effective way of foolingdons, and, as far as his work was concerned, he never seemed to beworried. When, however, he came to me three weeks before the end ofthe term, and told me he was going to give up law and read history, Ithought he was seeking trouble. 

"You will have to work if you have anything to do with The Bradder, " Itold him. 

"For the last ten minutes I have been trying to make you understandthat I want to work, " he answered, but still I did not believe him. 

"All your law will be wasted, " I said. 

"I don't know any, so that's all right. "

"But the dons won't let you change. "

"I can manage them; the history people won't want me, but the lawpeople will be glad to get rid of me, I have sounded them already. "

"You will end by reading theology, " I said. 

He gave a great laugh and said he didn't know where he should end, andthat all he wanted to do was to work. But he spoke of working as if itwas a new sort of game, and I thought his desire to try it would vanishas quickly as it had come, so I was surprised when he tackled TheBradder, and persuaded him that history was the only subject in whichhe could ever take a decent class. Without the consent of anybody, hestopped going to the lectures to which he was supposed to go, and cameto my rooms at all hours of the day to borrow books and read them. Apparently he had become a kind of free-lance, having shaken off hisold tutors and not having got any new ones, but he read through a shorthistory of England three times in a week because he said he wanted agood solid ground-work to build upon. Perhaps The Bradder asked thathe might be left alone, for certainly no one bothered him and hebothered nobody with the exception of me. I admit that I found him avery great nuisance, for I had been compelled to read during the lasttwo terms, and I had not been smitten with any enthusiasm for anexamination which was in the far distance. In fact I wanted to slack, and I did not see why Jack should choose my rooms to work in. The meresight of him annoyed me; he took his coat off and turned up hisshirt-sleeves to read, and whenever I made the slightest noise he toldme to be quiet. I impressed upon him most earnestly that he could goanywhere he liked or didn't like, but he had settled upon me, andnothing I did could make him go or lose his temper. After a few days Igot quite accustomed to him, and I believe that I should have missedhim if he had not come to annoy me, but he showed no signs ofslackening off, and I was watching for them every day. 

We were within a few days of the end of term before I believed thatJack had any serious intentions of changing his manner of living, andthen he explained the whole thing to me. 

"I have worked for a solid fortnight, " he said to me, "and if I can goon for a fortnight I can go on for two years. I didn't want to explainanything until I knew whether it was any good, for I have never workedbefore in my life and I didn't know what it was like. My father hassuddenly got very sick with me, and says I have got to read or go downaltogether; besides I am tired of doing nothing, and there are enoughslackers in the college without me. We have got to pull this placetogether somehow. " He threw himself into an arm-chair and picked up_The Ordeal of Richard Feverel_. "George Meredith, " he said, "I triedhim once, " and he shook his head. 

"Try him again. "

"I shan't have time, you are always coming out in unexpected places. Ishould have thought you would have liked a good sporting novel, I can'tunderstand Meredith. "

"The Bradder told me to read this. "

"The Bradder's an idiot; you be careful, or you'll write stuff whichthe examiners won't trouble to read. An examiner doesn't like anyother style except his own. "

"How do you know?" I asked. 

"I guess from the look of them, they must get so horribly tired; factsare what I mean to give them, piles of dates and things like that. Just let 'em know what I know at once and no rot about it. "

"You have got to write essays, not answer questions like aSunday-school class, " I said, and yawned. 

"The Bradder will have to teach me all about essays, but I am going tostick to plain English, no going round corners for me. I mean to rownext year, and I am going to be coached in the vac; if I don't get intothe college eight next summer, I----"

"Aren't you going to do a lot?" I interrupted him by asking. 

"I have always done a lot; hunting three times a week is a lot when youplay footer and cards as well. We will read after dinner for threehours. "

I yawned again, for I had had very little fun for some time, and I feltas if a little relaxation would do me good. An Irish M. P. Was comingto speak during that evening about the advantages of Home Rule, andalthough I thought Home Rule meant the disruption of the Empire andmany other things, I wanted to hear what this man had to say, and tosee if anything exciting happened. The Bradder had told me that therewas a good deal to be said in favour of Home Rule, but I put him downas a Radical and did not take any notice of him. The first thing I canever remember about politics was my father saying that Radicals talkednothing but nonsense, and that had remained with me and was mixed upwith the things which I most truly believed. The Bradder, however, made me think that Radicals were not bound to be hopeless persons. Idon't know how he did it, but I think it was by telling me that I wasone at heart. I never thought half so badly of them after that. 

But if what I must apologize for calling my politics were rather wobblyjust then, ten thousand Bradders could not make me a Home Ruler, andhad I not known that other things happen at political meetings inOxford besides the ordinary programme, I might have been content tostay in college and go on being dull and peaceable. As it was Ithought that Jack and I had earned something in the way of excitement, and after a good deal of persuasion he started with me, but when we gotto the meeting the place was packed with an audience which, from thenoise, seemed to consist largely of undergraduates singing "RuleBritannia. " We talked eloquently to the men at the doors, withoutgetting past them. One of them told me that they had already admittedfar too many of our kind, and then added that there was no room foranybody else whatever kind he might be, so we went over to BunnyLangham's rooms, which--for he was not living in college--were oppositethe hall in which the M. P. Was speaking. There were more thanhalf-a-dozen men in Bunny's rooms when we got to them, and I found outthat he had been scattering invitations broadcast during the afternoon. A lot of other men came in soon afterwards, but nobody did anythingmore extraordinary than sing out of tune until the meeting hadfinished. I was sitting by the window looking down on the people whohad been in the hall, and nearly everybody had gone out of St. Aldgate's when Bunny came up to me and said he thought he should make ashort speech. He went away and came back with a horn, which he blew solustily that in two or three minutes he had collected a small crowd infront of the house. 

"They are not enough, " he said, and he blew on his horn until I shouldthink fifty or sixty people were standing in the street. Then he puthis head out of the window and shouted, "Silence. I will, if you willpermit me, say a few words to you on burning questions of the day. "The crowd was almost entirely made up of loafers from the town, andthey received him with loud cries of approval. 

"Fellow-citizens of Oxford, " he began, and was told at once to speakup, and asked if his mother knew he was out and other ancientquestions, which interrupted but did not discourage him. 

"Fellow-citizens of Oxford, " he repeated, "who have assembled in yourthousands----" His next words were drowned by a rude man, with ablatant voice, telling him that he was a blooming liar. 

"Fellow-citizens and burgesses of Oxford, who have assembled in yourthousands to hear--" Bunny began once more, but the rude man shoutedthat he was not at a concert, and when he wanted to listen to the samething over and over again he was not too shy to say so. 

"I shall have to ask you to remove that gentleman, he is mistaking mefor one of his unfortunate family, " Bunny shouted back, and was told togo on and not mind Tom Briggs. It was not possible, however, for himto make himself heard, and instead of continuing his speech he and TomBriggs talked to each other, until some one behind me threw a banana atTom and knocked his hat off. At the same moment I saw the proctor andhis bull-dogs coming down the street, and in a minute we had turned outall the lights in the room and gone up-stairs. There we stayed untilwe heard the proctor leave the house. 

"That's a bit of luck, " said Jack, as we sat down again. 

"I can't make out what the deuce has happened, " Bunny answered, "hemust have spotted the house. "

"Perhaps he didn't want to catch us; after all we were not doing much, "some man, whose experience of proctors must have been limited, said. 

We got back to the room and heard a tremendous booing in the street, for the crowd, deprived of their fun, were letting the proctor knowwhat they thought of him. 

"That's splendid, " Bunny said, "it's a real score if he doesn't sendfor us in the morning. If he does he will be sick to death with me, I've been progged three times already this term. Pull the curtains andlet's light up again. "

"It's about time we went, " Jack said; "has the crowd gone?"

I looked out of the window and told him there were only a few peopleleft in the street, but just as we were going there was a knock at thedoor and a man came into the room. 

"Halloa, Marsden, " Bunny said; "I am afraid we have been making rathera row in here, perhaps you put a towel round your head and went onreading. Didn't you tell me you tied cloths over your ears when youwanted to be quiet?"

"It's not much of a joke having rooms in the same house with you, "Marsden answered, and looked very solemn. 

"Don't say that, " Bunny answered. "Have a drink, I'm generally asquiet as a lamb. "

Marsden sat on the table and refused to drink. 

"It's no joke being in the same house with you, " he said again, andbegan to laugh. 

"I'm not going to set fire to the place or blow it up, " Bunny replied. 

"But the house becomes infested with proctors. "

"Did you see the 'proggins?'"

"He came into my room and progged both Carslake and me. He said wewere disturbing the peace of the town. "

"He didn't, did he?" Bunny exclaimed, and then went off into such fitsof laughter that for some time he could do nothing but cough and choke. 

"He couldn't have chosen a funnier man. A sneeze is about the biggestrow you have ever made in your life. Didn't you tell him you hadnothing to do with the rag?" he asked at last. 

"I left you to do that; he wouldn't listen to me, he seemed to be in ahurry to get it over, " Marsden said. 

"Was he Carter of Queen's, or the other man?"

"Carter. "

"I'll be at Queen's at nine o'clock to-morrow, so you and Carslakeneedn't bother to go; Carter knows me. I am awfully sorry he has beenshoving himself into your rooms; the worst of this place is, there isno privacy, Carter just goes where he pleases, " and Bunny rang the belland told his servant that he wanted a hansom in the morning at tenminutes to nine. There were only a few of us left in his rooms, butevery one said they would be at Queen's to meet him, though he told usnot to make fools of ourselves. "I asked Carter the last time I wentto him to let me off a shilling because he had kept my cab waiting, andhe fined me double for impertinence. I should think this would costabout two pounds, and I've got about thirty sixpences up-stairs, heshall have all those, " he continued. "I'll have some fun for my money, so you fellows had better let me see it through by myself, I made thespeech and blew the horn, " but as we had all been in the affair wecouldn't back out of it because we had been caught. 

I walked as far as St. Cuthbert's with a New College man, who thoughtwe should have to pay more than two pounds. "Carter will be soprecious sick at being hooted in the street, we shan't get off under afiver each, " he said, and when I got back to college I went up toJack's rooms to wait and see what he thought we should have to pay. 

I was nearly asleep when Jack came in. 

"Phillips says we shall have to pay a fiver each, what do you think?" Isaid, without turning round, and instead of answering me Jack wentstraight into his bedder and seemed to be washing himself vigorously. 

"What are you doing?" I shouted, but Jack went on washing, so I shut upasking questions. 

In a few minutes he came back into the room, and stood in front of mewith a candle held up in front of his face. His lips were swollen, andthere was a great cut, which kept on bleeding, over his right eyebrow. 

"I look nice, don't I?" he said. "I've had a fight with a man who toldme that his name was Briggs. "

By degrees I got the whole tale out of him, but it is no fun trying totalk when a great coal-heaving man has hit you in the mouth with hisfist. Jack had come home by himself, and as he was turning out of theHigh by B. N. C. Tom Briggs, who had followed him all the way, chargedinto him. Then there was a little conversation, and Briggs called Jacksomething especially horrid, and gave him a shove at the same time, soJack hit him on the nose. After this there was a rough-and-tumble, until that most inquisitive man Carter and his bull-dogs came up andcaught Jack. What happened to Briggs he did not know. 

"You mustn't tell Carter that you were at Bunny's, " I said, after I hadblamed myself, until Jack was tired, for having persuaded him to startto that wretched meeting. 

"That's a trifle compared with this, " he answered, and he was right. 

There was a huge row, and it ended in Jack being sent down for the restof the term. A man, who had been lurking about somewhere, said that hesaw Jack hit Briggs first, which was true as far as it went, but hardluck on Jack all the same. 

Bunny wanted to have a procession to the station when Jack went away, but he absolutely refused to have any fuss whatever, and altogethertook his luck like a sportsman. 

If I had only waited for him, or never bothered him to go out at all, this would never have happened, and tired as I have often been ofmyself, I do not think I have ever felt more utterly wretched than Iwas during the last few days of that term when I, who ought really tohave been in Jack's place, was still in Oxford, and Jack was with hisvery angry people. 

I went to the Warden and told him that Jack would never have gone outof college that night if it hadn't been for me, but all he said wasthat the Proctor had taken a serious view of the case, and he would nothave anybody in the college brawling in the streets. I also wrote toJack's people and told them that the whole thing was my fault, but hisfather's answer was very short and disagreeable; he had entirely losthis temper. 

Dennison and his friends made the most of this misfortune, and Isuppose it was natural that they should think it a comical finish toJack's attempts at working. For the rest of the term I did not carewhat happened to anybody or anything. I was thoroughly sick with myluck, and when you are born with a faculty for disobeying rules andoffending authorities and have trampled upon your inclinations for along year without any result except disaster, it is enough to make youthink that fighting Nature is a perfectly absurd thing to do. It wasvery fortunate that the term was nearly over, for I had a mad idea thatthe best way to make up to Jack for getting him sent down was to getsent down myself; but The Bradder, who knew how foolish I could be, nipped my demonstrations in the bud, and gave me some of thestraightest advice I have ever listened to. He was very rude indeed. One of the few good things about this term was that Fred battedsplendidly, he was not successful afterwards against Cambridge, but wehad every reason for thinking that they were an exceptionally strongeleven. I bowled faster than ever, and a little straighter than theyear before; I was said to be the fastest bowler at Oxford, and I heardtwo men saying in Vincent's that their idea of bliss was my bowling ona good wicket. But when I lowered a newspaper and showed myself theypretended that it was a joke. 

CHAPTER XIX

THE WARDEN AND THE BRADDER

Of all penalties, sending a man down from the 'Varsity for a short timeseems to me the most unfair. For some people treat the culprit as ifhe was almost a criminal, while others are glad to see him and aren'tin the least annoyed. Had I been sent down from Oxford I am sure myfather would have stormed and told me that I was going to thatuniversal rubbish-heap, called "The dogs, " while my mother would havebeen very hurt and very kind; but I know one man who went homeunexpectedly and was told by his father that if he had not been sentdown he would have missed the best "shoot" of the year. In some casesthe penalty is nothing, and in other cases it is far too heavy. 

From the little I knew of Jack's people I did not expect that theywould be as unpleasant as they were, for as far as I could see he hadnot done anything which was much of a disgrace to anybody. Unfortunately, however, he went home at an unlucky moment, for hisfather was mixed up with the Stock Exchange, and there was a slump orsomething equally disagreeable in the City. Jack wrote to me: "I haveoften seen my father in a bad temper, but I have never seen him keep itup for so long before. There is a large bear syndicate formed in theCity, and my father is a bull, and fumes like one. I am very useful ifhe would only see it, because he can work his rage off on me, and thatis a great relief to everybody else. But it is no use thinking of whatis to happen next; he has told me that I am going to start to Canada ina month, and Australia in a fortnight, but wherever I go I am to haveonly £10 besides my passage-money--he does the thing thoroughly. Thelast scheme, announced at breakfast this morning, is that I am going toGreece, to a quarry which has something to do with either marble orcement; I didn't listen much, because I shall probably be booked forSiberia before night. Anywhere but back to Oxford is really his idea, and the more often he changes the place the better. Meanwhile I flaunthistory books before him. I left _Taswell Langmead_ on the lawn, because it is the fattest book I have got, and it looks so like one ofthe Stock Exchange books that I knew he would look at it. He did andgrowled, but he put it back on the chair, which rather surprised me, for I expected him to launch forth on the uselessness of me readingsuch things. If I sit tight for a bit and don't get ready to goanywhere, perhaps I shall get back to Oxford after all. "

I knew nothing about the Stock Exchange, but I sympathized very muchwith any one who had to live in the same house with a fuming bull. Even Fred agreed with me that Jack was being treated unfairly, and henever spoke about him at all if he could help it. When Jack and he hadmet during the last year at Oxford, as they had often, they were soastonishingly polite to each other that had I not known the reason Ishould have been very amused, but as it was, I thought they were makinga great fuss about something quite unimportant. 

To pretend not to notice a thing which is as clear as daylight is not apart which I can play with any comfort, so Jack and Fred fidgeted meterribly, but they had got some idea firmly fixed in their heads, withwhich I was wise enough not to meddle. They were both such friends ofmine that I hoped they would see as quickly as possible that there wassomething very humorous in the way they treated each other. 

Owen took a first in his final schools, and as soon as the list was outhe wrote to me and said that he hoped to come up for a fifth year toread for a first in History. This, I thought, was tempting Providence, for he had already got two firsts, and he seemed to me to be collectingthem as I had once collected birds' eggs. He decided, however, to giveup his plan, and accepted a mastership at a school in Scotland. I mustsay that I was relieved at this, for I intended to take two more yearsbefore my examinations, and if he had got a first in one year I am surethat I should have heard a very great deal about him, when my fatherfelt unwell or wished to make me feel uncomfortable. 

I spent most of my second summer vac in France, partly because mymother was not well, and also because an old scheme for improving myFrench had been revived. When Fred and I had gone to Oxford there hadbeen some idea of us trying for the Indian Civil Service, but forvarious reasons this was abandoned, and although Fred had determinedthat he would go back to Cliborough as a master if he could manage it, I had drifted through two years without having made up my mind what wasto happen to me when I got my degree. The Bishop wanted me to be aclergyman, my mother thought that if Fred was going to be aschool-master there was no reason why I should not be one, and althoughmy father did not say anything he was not the man to see me finish mytime at Oxford and then sit down to wait for some employment to turnup. It was really no use for me to decide what I should do, for unlessI showed an especial craving for some profession I knew that he wouldsettle everything, and as I had two years before me I thought thatthere was no particular hurry, which is, I suppose, the dangerous stateof mind of many undergraduates. 

I did not understand that my father's wish for me to talk French waspart of any definite scheme, and for the life of me I cannot make outwhy he settled upon my profession and told me nothing about it, but Isuppose that unless I ever become a parent there are some things whichwill puzzle me all my life. 

"One of the reasons the English are hated on the Continent is becausethey can only speak their own language, and when they are notunderstood they shout, " he said to me, and I am afraid I did not caremuch what the English were thought of on the Continent; at any rate Idid not see what I could do to make them more popular. "I intend thatyou shall at least be able to speak French properly, " he went on; "youare not going to stay with us at the hotel, but live with a Frenchfamily about three miles out of the town. "

I detested the idea and had to submit to it, but I acknowledge that Ienjoyed my visit to France, though I was told that I spent too muchtime at the hotel. The fact was that my family lived three miles uphill from the town, and on a bicycle I could reach the sea or my peoplein a few minutes, but after I had bathed I had to think a lot before Istarted back. I was arrested twice, once for riding furiously and alsofor not having my name on my bicycle, accidents which my father assuredme would never have happened had I been able to talk French fluently, though it was absolutely impossible that I could under anycircumstances or in any language have talked as fluently as thepoliceman who stopped me. My French family were very nice to me, andwe got on splendidly together after they discovered that I did not mindthem laughing at my pronunciation. After two months, during which Ihad attacked the language vigorously, Nina came from Paris to join us. I expected that she would find my accent amusing, but I made a mistake. What my mother had once mentioned to me as her awkward age had beenlived through, and after a few days I began to wonder why I had everfound it easy to be irritated with her. If things go well I generallyhave an attack of thinking them perfect, but all the same Nina and Ibecame better friends than we had been since I had left school, and wewere together so often that nothing but a promise to talk French to herprevented my people from forbidding me to come near the hotel. 

On Saturday afternoons, however, I stipulated that I should do and talkwhat I pleased, but unless I went to the Casino there was not much todo on my first holiday after Nina had arrived; so I persuaded her tocome to a concert, have tea on the terrace, and then watch the "petitschevaux. " She was ready to do anything, but my mother detested anykind of gambling, and begged me not to take her into the room in whichthe tables were. I could have imagined the time when to be told thatsomething was not good for her was the surest way to make Nina want it, but now she said at once that she would much rather sit on the terracethan stay in a room with a crowd of people, and after tea I left herfor a few minutes while I went for a walk through the rooms. There wasa crowd round each table, and not being able to see anything I wasgoing back to Nina at once when I felt some one touch me on the arm. Iturned round quickly for I suspected that my pocket was being picked, though that would not have caused me any serious inconvenience, andbefore I could remember what I ought not to say I had exclaimed "GoodHeavens, " but if people will turn up in utterly unlikely places theyought not to be too critical of the way in which they are greeted. Ishould as soon have expected to see Mr. Edwardes at a Covent GardenBall as the Warden in a French Casino, and I had an intense andimmediate desire to ask him what he was doing there. I suppressed it, however, and only shook him so violently by the hand that he wincedperceptibly. 

"I have been guilty of watching your movements for the last fourminutes, " he said, as we walked towards the door leading to theterrace. "I observed you as you entered this chamber of horrors, and Iwas afraid that you were about to give an exhibition of yourgenerosity. "

"Did you think I was going to play?" I asked. 

"Yes, if that is the right expression for an act of madness. Thereare, if I have observed exactly, eight chances against you, and thefool, for believe me he is a fool, who is fortunate enough to win ispaid seven times his stake. The man who tries to make money in thatway must be generous and a fool. "

"The bank must win to pay for the croupiers and keep the place going, "I said. 

"In my opinion there is no acute necessity for the place to be keptgoing, as you express it. I entertain a hope that if you have evertaken part in that orgie, at which every one with the exception of thecroupiers looks greedy and hungry, that you will in the future abstainfrom it. Gambling is the meanest of all vices, " he said slowly, and hetapped my arm seven times. 

He did not seem to be going anywhere in particular, and as I cannotbear anybody tapping at me, I thought Nina might help to calm him. SoI walked down the terrace and introduced her to him suddenly, for hehad a reputation for bolting from strange ladies, and I thought it bestto leave nothing to chance. But as soon as he saw Nina the clouddisappeared from his face, and his aggressively moral mood changed. Infact I distinctly heard him say "delightful, " though I am sure that hedid not intend his remark to be audible. He inspected Nina as if shewas for sale or on show, but he so clearly approved of her that she didnot seem to mind him. 

"Won't you sit down?" she said. 

"Only on one condition, " he answered. 

"What is it?"

"That you tell me the name of your dressmaker, " but before Nina couldspeak he had settled himself beside her, and continued: "You are notonly successful in being cool but also in looking cool; now I have tennieces, delightful girls, but they cannot take exercise withoutrivalling the colour of a peony. They look what I can only describe toyou as full-blown. "

"But I have not been taking exercise, " Nina said. 

"That, I suppose, is true, " he replied, and forgot promptly what he hadbeen talking about. 

After a minute's silence his head began to sink forward, and I wasafraid he was beginning to think hard or go to sleep, so I told Ninathat it was time for us to go back to the hotel; for much as I likedthe Warden I had no wish to watch over him while he slept on theTerrace of the Casino, and I thought that he might expect to find methere when he woke up. Nina held out her hand to wish him good-bye, but he said that he was coming with us, and while we were walking tothe hotel I left him to her, for I was debating whether I had betterask him to meet my father and mother or not. I knew that he hadoffended a great many people who had come to see him in Oxford abouttheir sons, and he was reported to have said that the greatestdifficulty in dealing with undergraduates was the parent difficulty. "If I was dictator of Oxford it should be a city of refuge for youngmen, and no father or mother should be allowed to enter it duringtwenty-four weeks of the year, " was one of the things he was supposedto have said, and if my father happened to get him upon that subject Iforesaw trouble. 

But the question settled itself, for my mother was sitting on theverandah in front of the hotel and came down the garden to meet us. Ihad heard the Warden chuckle three times as we had walked up the road, and though I could not imagine how Nina was amusing him, I thankedgoodness that he seemed to be thinking about ordinary things. 

"I have the pleasure of knowing your brother, " he said as soon as hewas introduced; "he and I disagree upon every subject I have ever hadthe privilege of discussing with him. "

"I do not think my brother would ever discuss a subject with any onewhom he expected to agree with. It would be hardly worth while, " mymother answered, and the Warden looked at her quickly. 

"Surely the benefit arising from a discussion does not depend wholly, or I may say chiefly, from disagreement upon the subject discussed. ACabinet Council, for instance, may conceivably arrive at a satisfactoryand at the same time an unanimous conclusion. "

"My brother would not call that a discussion, " my mother answeredshortly, and the Warden said "Ah, " which meant, I believe, that howeverthe Bishop defined the word discussion, it was useless to discussanything with ladies. 

"You will have some tea?" my mother said, as soon as we had reached theverandah. 

"You will excuse me, my absence from the hotel at which I have taken aroom for to-night, has already been too prolonged. You drink tea inFrance, madam?"

"We brought our tea with us. "

"Admirable foresight, but it remains for you to see the water boiling, "and then as if he knew that he had hurt my mother's feelings and wishedto make some recompense, he continued, "The Bishop, madam, is a man forwhom I have a most sympathetic regard, neither politics nor pageantsdivert him from the work he has pledged himself to do; I know of no manmore fitted to be a Bishop. "

My mother bowed slightly, and said nothing, and really it was not easyto guess from the Warden's tone whether he considered any man fit to bea Bishop. 

"We think differently on many subjects, and on one, I may say, I thinkwith perfect truth, we have differed so widely that a little lessself-restraint on the one side or on the other would have brought us tothe verge of a very vulgar quarrel. The Bishop preaches what is calledHumanity, he practises Humanity, he would have a manufactory--which hewould manage on a profit-sharing system--for Humanity pills, and makeevery young man in Oxford swallow two of them every morning. But thereis another meaning to the word Humanity which has been lost sight of inthis age of upheaval, it is 'classical learning. ' Oxford has a duty toperform; it has something to teach in addition to the development ofkindly feelings which must be taught at the mother's knee, and grownaturally if they are ever to be effective. We are attacked at Oxfordby many kinds of outside influence, and you know enough of young men, madam, to realize that there is no influence which appeals to them sostrongly as that which is outside, what I must call, constitutedauthority. The Bishop, in short, if I judge him with accuracy, thinksthat Oxford is the finest playground for the East-end of London whichcan be imagined by the wit of man. On this point I disagree with himentirely, not from any dislike to the people of the East-end, but froma profound conviction that young men in Oxford, if they are to do theirwork with success, have already more than enough to occupy their minds. "

He leaned forward in his chair and looked hard at me; he did notapparently expect any answer to his oration, but he had touched on asubject which was near my mother's heart, and I felt so uneasy that Imoved from my seat and leaned against one of the posts of the verandah. 

"Don't you exaggerate what my brother wants?" my mother asked. "Heknows too well the value of time to wish to waste that of anybody, andhe loves Oxford. "

"Too well, " the Warden jerked out, as if he was an automaticarrangement and some one had touched a spring. 

"I don't think any one could love Oxford too well, and I should besorry if Godfrey did not learn something from his life there whichcould help him to sympathize with other people. "

I knew that I was bound to be pulled in sooner or later, and I thoughtof disappearing behind my post and of leaving the Warden to say what heliked. 

"The sympathies of your son are already as wide as those of a CharityOrganization Society, and, I venture to say, as misdirected, " theWarden returned, and seemed to have forgotten that I was standing infront of him, but if he was going to say things about me I decided tostay and hear them. "I find him the most pleasant companion, he hasthe gift of silence--Meredith wrote--'Who cannot talk!--but whocan?'--he is also amusing, always unconsciously. I have great hopesthat he may become a man who will not waste his youth in vain struggleswith a ball. Had I the power I would banish all balls from England forone short year, the experiment would be entertaining. "

"It would result in a national dyspepsia, " my mother said, laughing. 

"Godfrey would play catch with an orange, " Nina remarked. 

The Warden looked up and saw me. "An orange bursts, " he said. "I mustreturn to my hotel. Would you find me a conveyance, one with acoachman as unlike a furious driver as possible?" he asked, and as Ninacame with me he was left alone with my mother. I don't know what hesaid during those few minutes, but when we got back I found my mothersmiling placidly, though when I had gone away I was certain that shedisapproved of the Warden most thoroughly. 

"The Warden wishes you to dine with him to-night, " she said to me, andwithout waiting for me to reply she went on to say how sorry my fatherwould be to miss him. The Warden began to express regrets at myfather's absence, but forgot what he was talking about in the middle ofhis sentence, and finished up by telling the driver to go very slowly. As he stepped into the vehicle I had found for him, he expressed afervent hope that it was more robust than it appeared to be. 

"What a funny old man!" Nina exclaimed as soon as he had gone, "andwhat nonsense he talks. He is a dear, but he does look odd!"

"He looks like a gentleman, and is one, " my mother replied. 

"You didn't like him at first, " I said to her. 

"I thought he spoke slightingly of your uncle and that he meant all hesaid, which of course was stupid of me. He was delightful after youhad gone, and talked most kindly and sensibly about you, I wish yourfather could have heard him. "

But my father had gone to Rouen and was not coming back until teno'clock, and I am not sure that he would have liked the Warden, soperhaps it was as well that they did not meet. 

My dinner was wearisome, for Miss Davenport, the Warden's sister, waswith him, and she talked while I listened. I am sorry to say she wasin a very bad temper, and it seemed that the naughty Warden had kepther waiting for two hours during the afternoon. She was by no means inlove with France, and though I tried to soothe her I only succeeded inmaking her sarcastic; I thought the Warden ought to have protected me, but he had known his sister longer than I had, and probably hadforgotten that she could make any one suffer. He took no part in theconversation, and most obviously did not listen to it. My mother wasdisappointed when I told her about the dinner, but I think that she hadexpected the Warden to give me advice as well as a meal. She hadformed the highest opinion of him, and said that he was so wise that hewas the only man she knew who could afford to say foolish things. Butwhen my father heard that the foolish things were said about the Bishophe did not believe in the folly of them, for he could not forget thatmy uncle had once played stump cricket for three hours at a stretch. 

When the time came for us to go back to England I could talk Frenchwithout putting in one or two English words to fill up every sentence, but I did not think that Dover Station was the place in which to betold that I must not be satisfied until I could think in French--thoughwhat the station at Dover is the proper place for, I leave to peoplewho are cleverer than I am. I was so glad to get home again that theidea of thinking in French was quite comical. My father and I weregoing to shoot together, and when he is shooting he forgets all thelittle grievances with which he has riddled his life and he is--thoughit makes me blush to confess it--the best companion in the world. Ifhe could only shoot all the year round I believe that Ritualists andRadicals would lose their powers of annoying him, and he might even endby admitting that our long-suffering cook makes curry which is fit toeat, and no more generous admission than that could be expected from anAnglo-Indian. 

For nearly three weeks we lived in a state of peace and contentmentwhich none of us thought dull, but during the first week of October Ihad a letter from The Bradder in which he said that he was on a walkingtour and should be passing near our house. There was only one answerfor me to give, but I gave it reluctantly, for though I liked him Ithought that if he and my father once started upon politics our calmseason would be interrupted abruptly. 

"Does he shoot?" my father asked, and I said that as he was walking foramusement he would probably only stay a few hours. "We can't treat himlike that; tell him to stay a week and send for his gun. For thematter of that he can have one of mine. I don't expect he will be ableto hit a haystack, " was his reply. 

So I wrote again, and to my surprise The Bradder accepted theinvitation and appeared a few days afterwards with no marks of thetourist upon him; for there is no mistaking people who are on walkingtours, their anxiety to get on stamps itself upon their faces, andtheir luggage is generally on their backs or in their pockets. He toldus that his companion had broken down three days before, and that hehad been back to Oxford to get his gun. I never remember having seenanybody who looked quite so fit as he did, and my father, who had akind of general impression that every tutor in Oxford was anaemic, seemed to be thoroughly pleased with him. Thus I was lulled into afalse state of security, for I had intended to warn The Bradder not tospeak of politics while he was with us, but as every one took a fancyto him at sight I thought that I need not trouble to say anything. 

There was a lot of speculation about The Bradder's shooting, he shotwhenever he got the ghost of a chance, but he added more to the noisethan to the number of the bag. He tried to persuade my father beforehe started that he was the worst shot in the world, but he was notbelieved until he had proved that he had spoken the truth. He was, however, much happier in a bad than in a good place, and he seemed tobe perfectly pleased as long as he could see an occasional bird toshoot at. My father said that he was a good sportsman, though had henot liked him he would have called him a rank bad shot. 

Two days passed by successfully, and then The Bradder discovered thatthere was an old abbey near us, and arranged with Nina to go over andsee it. Why in the world any one should want to see an abbey when hecould shoot at pheasants, was more than my father could understand. 

"The abbey will be here the next time you come, let it wait, " he saidat breakfast. 

"I should like to see it, " The Bradder replied; "besides, I never killanything. "

"You needn't bother about that. "

"I have promised Miss Marten to go, she said she would drive me over, "he replied, and any one could see that he didn't mean to shoot. 

"As you like, " my father said, and told me to be ready in ten minutes, though we were not going to start for an hour. 

On the top of this we had a very disappointing day, and finished up bygetting wet through, so at dinner there were many more danger signalsflying than were usual in the shooting season. The Bradder, however, did not notice them, or if he did he thought them ridiculous, and heamused my mother and Nina very much, which under the circumstances wasa grievous offence. I found myself in the position of trying to catchmy tutor's eye, so that I could warn him to be careful with my father, and although I realized the comedy of the position I did not appreciateit. To make matters worse The Bradder would not drink any port, and asit was a wine of which my father was proud, he had to say that he neverdrank any wine at all before his refusal was accepted. Teetotalism inthe abstract was a thing which I was encouraged to believe in, butteetotalers, who did not know when to make an exception to generalrules, were not approved of at our table when '63 port was before them. Everything seemed to be going most hopelessly wrong, and I was soanxious to get into the drawing-room that I made several exceedinglyfatuous remarks. 

"You talk like a Radical, " my father said in answer to one of them;"you want this changed and that changed, you had better go up to HydePark and take a tub with you, if you want to talk nonsense. "

"I probably shouldn't get two people to listen to me, " I replied. 

"Strahan told me yesterday, " he went on, "that they are teaching a lotof this Radical tomfoolery in Oxford now; he says his son has come homestuffed with it, thinks agricultural labourers are underpaid and allthe rest. Is it true, Bradfield?"

"I should not say that the feeling at Oxford is as out-and-out Tory asit was, but the young Radical is often a very ridiculous man, " TheBradder replied, and took a pear off the dish in front of him and beganto peel it. 

"Always, " my father said. 

"Not always; he may conceivably be very sane indeed. "

"Never. "

The Bradder was quite willing to let the subject drop, but his pear wasa mistake and prevented me from suggesting that we should go. 

"You sympathize with this Radical feeling?" my father asked him. 

"To some extent I share it. "

"I can't believe it, I really can't--why, the Radicals want to ruin thearmy, spend no money on the navy, make magistrates of Tom, Dick, andHarry, and top everything by letting Ireland do what it likes. Theyare a dangerous crew. "

"I am not a Home-Ruler, though every one must admit that our way ofmanaging Ireland up to the present has not been fortunate. "

"But you wouldn't try experiments with a volcano?"

"I would try any experiment with Ireland which it wants, and which Idid not think dangerous, " The Bradder said, and he seemed to be whollyoccupied in trying to say as little as possible without appearing to beashamed or afraid of his opinions. 

"So you are a Radical, but not a Home-Ruler. Well, from the look ofyou, I should never have thought it. You can go if you like, Godfrey;I should be glad to talk to Mr. Bradfield for a few minutes; he is thefirst Radical I have ever liked, " and he smiled at The Bradder, anticipating triumph. 

I did not go, and I am glad that I stayed, for both of them had tofight hard to keep their tempers, and their struggles fascinated me. From the beginning The Bradder made up his mind to treat the duellightly, but my father pressed him hard, and occasionally provoked aretort which flashed. For more than an hour they talked, and indignantservants, showing heads of expostulation, had to go away unnoticed. But The Bradder met explosions with what my father called afterwardsrank obstinacy, and the man who explodes is naturally angry if hecannot get some one to explode back at him. 

"The Warden, from what I have heard of him, would not approve of youropinions, " my father said at last. 

"He does not meddle with our politics, " The Bradder answered. 

"He's a wise man, " my father returned, and The Bradder laughed. 

"The Warden talks about politicians as if they were an army oftuft-hunters, hunting for tufts which they will never find. He refusesto speak seriously about politics. "

"The habit of being amused at our failures or cynical about them isbecoming too common. "

I could not help smiling at the quickness with which the Warden hadbeen toppled off his seat of wisdom, and my father pushed his chairback impatiently. 

"The Warden is, I believe, a strong Tory, and reserves his contempt forwhat he calls 'modern politicians. '"

"I said he was a wise man, " my father replied, and the Warden wasreinstated. 

"He is certainly, " The Bradder answered, as we went into thedrawing-room. 

During the next day I heard from Nina that The Bradder had beendenounced as a very dangerous man, all the more dangerous because hewas so attractive. 

"Father wants him to go, " she said. 

"He will have to go soon, because term begins in a few days, " Ianswered. 

"But why shouldn't a man be a Liberal if he wants to be? We are abouta hundred years behind the times down here. "

"And had better stay there if we want peace, " I added. 

"Are you a Liberal?"

"Goodness knows. "

"I like a man who knows what he is. "

"You mean you like The Bradder; why not say so?"

"Because I meant nothing of the kind. We are going to walk over toChipping Norbury, if you will come with us. "

"I can't. I have promised to call on Mrs. Faulkner, who won't see me. "

"Mrs. Faulkner has been rude to mother, and has behaved veryfoolishly, " Nina said, in a way which she considered impressive and Ithought humorous. 

So The Bradder and Nina went to Chipping Norbury without me, and hestayed for three more days, by which time even my father did not wanthim to go, though he talked to my mother about him as one of thosemisguided young men who want England to stand on its head just to seewhat it would look like. 

I found out afterwards that The Bradder described my father to some oneas a mixture of cayenne pepper and kindness, and, since there was noharm in it, I passed it on. 

"I won't have people making up these things about me, " he said, but hechuckled, and I am sure he liked the cayenne pepper part of the mixture. 

CHAPTER XX

THE HEDONISTS

Fred Foster's people came back from India during the summer, and hespent all the vac with them, though I tried to make him come to us forthe shooting. He had, however, got an idea that Nina did not want him, and nothing I could do was successful in removing it. I told him thatNina had been greatly improved by Paris; I did not like the expression, but I did not see why he should think it ridiculous. Still, if hemeant to be obstinate it was no use wasting time in writing letters atwhich he gibed, so I left him alone. 

Jack Ward managed to appease his father, and having done it he set outon a campaign which for thoroughness beat anything I have everdiscovered. He went off at the end of July to stay with a tutor whocoached him in history and rowing, and he stayed with him until theOxford term began. The tutor was a rowing blue who did not, fromJack's account of him, mind how little work his pupils did as long asthey were ready to go on the river, but Jack assured me that he hadread for four or five hours every day. To start with a history coachtwo years before his schools struck me as being magnificent, but Jackwould not hear a word against his way of spending the vac. 

"He may not know much history, " he said to me when we got back toOxford, "but he's a rare good sort, and he says I'm a natural oar. Besides, he's a sportsman. "

"What's that?" I asked, for I used the word "sportsman" to mean so manythings. 

"He doesn't bother people; you can play cards if you like, and he has abilliard table. He is a nailer at cork pool. "

"Is he?" I said, and asked no more about him, for I have a horror ofnailers at any sort of pool, having once been hopelessly fleeced bysome of them. 

"I won a pot, " Jack went on gaily, "in the scratch fours at Wallheadregatta--I rowed in two regattas. Not so bad; and now I've got to godown to the river every day and be coached by men who don't know thedifference between an oar and a barge pole. Well, it's all part of thegame. "

"What's the game?" I asked. 

"Look here, Godfrey, something's happened to you. You've gone stupid;it's _your_ game. To buck St. Cuthbert's up, get rid of theseconfounded slackers, squash them flat, and we are going to do it, yousee if we don't. Dennison was drunk last night or pretended to be, andhe and his gang invaded a lot of freshers and then asked them all tobreakfast. That crowd are no more use to a college than a headache. Fancy coming to Oxford to be ragged by Dennison!"

"It does seem rather futile. "

"Futile!" Jack exclaimed scornfully, and then proceeded to say what hecalled it; "but if you have given up caring what happens I shall chuckup the whole thing, " he concluded. 

"I have not given up caring, but I have tried once and got laughed atfor my trouble. I don't believe you can squash men like Dennison whenthey once get into a college; they are like black beetles, and youcan't get rid of them unless you kill them. "

"We can try, " Jack said. 

"I tried, and most men thought me a fool. The only thing to do is toleave them alone; but the worst of it is that we can't help meetingDennison at dinners and things. He smiled on me the other day as if Iwas his best friend. "

"He didn't smile at me. "

"I think he hates you; I can't get properly hated, when I try to showDennison I loathe him he smiles. There's something wrong with mesomewhere. "

"You are too rottenly good-natured. "

"I never thought of that, " I said. 

"That's it, " Jack declared; "I saw Lambert hitting you on the back inthe quad this morning. "

"I told him that if he did it again I should throw Stubbs' Charters athis head, " I replied in self-defence. 

"But, don't you see, Lambert would never hit me on the back. He is oneof the most gorgeous slopers we have got, and twangs his banjo forDennison to sing what they call erotic ballads. You've not got enoughdignity. "

"Steady on, " I said, for with too much of one thing and not enough ofanother I was beginning to think that it was about time for him todiscover something of which I had the proper amount. 

"Don't get angry, " he returned, "I only meant to explain why your shotto buck the college up failed. You're too popular, that's it. "

I spoke plainly to him. 

"It's no use talking like that, " he went on; "say you'll help me, andwe'll have a go at squashing this ragging lot. It wouldn't matter somuch if they could do anything decently, but they are the very men whoought to go and bury themselves because they won't try to do anything. Let us do something first and then have a good wholesome rag, but forheaven's sake let us shut up until we have done it. "

Jack had only just left my rooms when, as if to prove what he had said, Lambert strolled in and asked me if I would let him have lunch with me. My table-cloth was laid and I couldn't tell him that I was lunchingout, so I told him that Murray was coming. He replied that he likedMurray, and since that had failed I said that I was going to playfooter and had very little time, but he answered that he would not beable to stay for more than half-an-hour. Meals with Lambert were aptto get less simple as they went on, for he had a habit of saying thathe wanted nothing and then of demanding port with his cheese andliqueurs to save him from indigestion, but I could not get rid of him, so apart from making up my mind that his luncheon should be as short aspossible, I left him alone. 

He read the paper for a few minutes and then asked me if I did not likehis waistcoat. It looked to me like some new kind of puzzle, so Iasked him if he had the answer in his pocket, but he was looking at itthoughtfully and did not answer. 

"Nice shade, isn't it?" he said presently. 

I thought that there was more glare than shade about it and told him so. 

"It's unique, " he declared, and at last I was able to agree with him. 

"Have you called on that man Thornton?" he asked, and stood up so thathe could see his waistcoat and himself in the glass. 

"I never call on anybody. I have had a lot of freshers to meals, but Idon't know Thornton; he is supposed to be cracked, isn't he?"

"Of course he is. We've got a splendid rag on. I thought of it, andDennison is going to work it out. Do you think this coat fits properlyin the back? I met Collier this morning and he swore it didn't. "

"What's the rag?" I asked. 

Clarkson came in with a message from Murray to say that he could notcome to luncheon. 

"That's a good job, " Lambert remarked. 

"I thought you liked Murray, " I answered. 

"He would not have cared about our rag. I don't suppose Collier knowswhen a coat fits, he's so fat that a petticoat would suit him betterthan a pair of trousers. "

"Here's lunch, " I said, and as soon as I had got him away from the spotwhere he could examine his clothes, I asked again what was going tohappen. 

"Thornton is absolutely green, Dennison will be able to do exactly whathe likes with him. "

"Poor brute. "

"I can never make out why you pretend to hate Dennison, he wouldn'tmind being friends with you; besides, it makes things very disagreeablefor me. "

"I don't pretend anything, " I said. 

"At any rate it's very stupid of you; you are both Mohocks, and oughtto be friends. "

I thought he had come on a peace mission, so, to prevent waste of time, I said what I thought of Dennison. 

"You make a mistake about him altogether, " he said. "Got any port?"

"You'll get as fat as Collier if you aren't careful, and it wouldn'tsuit you a bit, " I replied, and stayed in my chair. 

"Port doesn't make people fat, " but he spoke doubtfully. 

"You know best, but I should advise you to be careful. What's the rag?"

He shot his cuffs down and stroked his upper lip, as he always did whenhe was going to say anything which he thought interesting. 

"Dennison is getting it up, which means that it will be jolly welldone. He has found out that Thornton knows nothing, so he is teachinghim a lot. To begin with, he has invented a society called 'TheHedonists, ' which is supposed to get pleasure out of anythingextraordinary, and he has filled up Thornton with the idea that he isthe very man to be President if we can get him elected. "

"Does he believe all that?"

"He believes it all right; Dennison is splendid at that sort of thing. But we must make some opposition, or Thornton might think it was tooeasy a job, so we are getting Webb to stand against Thornton, andDennison and I want you to propose him. We thought it would be achance to show that you didn't mean all that rot you talked about uslast year. "

"I meant every word of it, " I replied, but Lambert shook his head. 

"Really you didn't, " he said. "Dennison declares that you hate smugsand prigs and the sort of men who wear red ties and baggy trousers. Besides, you have fair rows with the dons yourself. You are made toenjoy yourself; that's all about it, and it is time some benefactortold you so. "

"I shan't have anything to do with this rag; it seems to be playing apretty low-down game on a fresher, and if I can stop it I shall. TellDennison that from me, " I replied. 

Lambert got up and put his fingers into the pockets of his waistcoat. "Don't be a fool, Marten, " he said sadly, "if you had thought of thisyourself you would have been delighted with the idea; it's so funny. "

"Ask Jack Ward to help you. "

"Ward! Between ourselves Dennison and I think that Ward is rather abounder. "

"I'll tell him; he will be glad to hear it. "

"You make me ill; can't you see that this is too good to miss?"

"You'd better leave this wretched lunatic alone; but if you stand theretalking until you spoil the pockets of your waistcoat I shan't helpyou. "

He took his fingers from his pockets and rearranged his tie. "Youdisappoint me greatly, " he said, and strode out of the room. 

Our footer match that afternoon was against Oriel, who play soccerbetter than rugger, so we beat them without much trouble. Fred didn'tplay for them, because the captain of the 'Varsity team objected to histeam playing in college matches, but he watched the game and came backto tea with me afterwards. I wanted to give him a cheque for the fiftypounds I still owed him, for I had just got my year's allowance, and Ithought I ought to pay him. But he would not listen to what I said, and only tore up my cheque when I gave it to him. "It's no use, " hesaid, "you will only be short at the end of the year. "

That, I knew, was the truth, for economy was a thing which evaded me, however zealously I pursued it. 

"But I hate owing you money, " I said, "and by the end of the yearsomething may have happened. "

He only laughed, and told me that if I couldn't borrow money, which hedid not want, from him, I must be a fool, and before I could say anymore Jack Ward appeared. Fred and he did not seem to be very pleasedto see each other again, and since they always got on my nerves I wentinto my bedder to finish dressing. 

"Been staying with Godfrey this vac?" I heard Jack ask. 

"No; have you?" Fred answered. 

"Rather not, " Jack said; "I've had no time to stay with anybody. I'mtrying to become a decent oar, and reading history--it simply takes allthe time I've got. I rowed a bit at school, but have never touched anoar for two years until last July. "

"It's rather a grind, isn't it?" Fred said; but from that moment heseemed to change his opinion of Jack, and if I could be a fool aboutsome things I feel quite certain that Fred had been bothering his headabout nothing for a very long time, which was not very sensible of him. I don't believe that Jack ever understood why Fred disliked him, andafter he had pulled Nina out of the river the second time, I think hebegan to regard her solely as a safe and easy way to a Humane Society'smedal. If Fred would only have believed that there are some thingswhich cannot stand repetition, I should have been saved a lot oftrouble. 

When I went back to my sitter I found that the blight which had alwayssettled upon them when they were together was disappearing quickly. They were talking quite amiably, and although I should have been gladto have said something to show that I noticed the change, I expect thatit was prudent of me to be silent. For the first time, as far as Icould remember, we met without wondering how soon we could separate, and I had the sort of feeling which I should think a great-grandfathermust have when he is celebrating his ninetieth birthday in the presenceof his not too numerous descendants. I just sat and felt placid forsome time, until I woke up and told Fred that we were supposed to havea mad fresher in college. 

"You are always getting hold of freaks, " he answered, and I asked himwhat he meant. 

"You've got about half-a-dozen men here whose names look as if theyhave been turned hind-before; St. Cuthbert's has always been a home fora peculiar brand of potentate. "

"Potentate!" I said scornfully; "besides, colour is not everything. "

"Prince, if you like. " But I knew that he was trying to draw me on, soI said nothing. To hear me in defence of my own college was, I amsorry to say, a great pleasure to him. 

"Do you know how this report of Thornton being mad began?" Jack asked. "I'm rather keen on this, and believe it can be made into a much betterrag than Lambert and Dennison think. It may be a chance to squash themaltogether. "

"Lambert has been trying to persuade me to help, " I said. "I told himI would have nothing to do with his blessed rag. "

"The best of the whole thing is that I don't believe Thornton is alunatic. Collier says he isn't, and both Learoyd and Murray say he'snot mad, but awfully clever or a humorist. "

"Murray!" I exclaimed, but Jack was losing the power to astonish mevery much. 

"He's all right, I met him in Learoyd's room, " Jack said, and began tolaugh. 

"So Thornton isn't mad after all, and you needn't talk about freaks, " Itold Fred. 

"Do you mind hearing about this?" Jack asked him; "it will be splendidif it only comes off. It's like this: Lambert and Dennison are alwayslooking out for freaks"--I wished he would not give Fred such chancesto grin at me--"and Thornton's hair sticks up on end, and he neverseems to know what he is going to do next. Murray told me that he islike a very good pianist he met once, except that he can't play thepiano. At any rate he's odd, and that was the reason why Dennisonasked him to lunch. And Lambert, do you know him?"

Fred shook his head. 

"He is the kind of man who is built for processions and platforms andLord Mayors' Shows, " Jack explained; "he's gorgeous altogether. "

"I saw him at your smoker, " Fred said. 

"He's one of the sights of the place, and he began to talk to Thorntonabout champagne. "

"He always talks about clothes or wine, " I put in. 

"Thornton pretended--at least, I'll bet he pretended--to know nothingabout champagne. So Lambert told him the best brand was Omar Khayyamof '78, and that by a stroke of luck it could still be got at a placein the High. They thought Thornton swallowed that all right, soDennison told him that if he couldn't get Omar Khayyam he must get someRosbach of '82. After that they asked what sort of fly he used forquail; of course the man must have been simply too sick of them to sayanything. "

"Lambert never told me anything about the champagne, " I said. 

"I expect that was because he and Dennison nearly had a row about it;he swore that he thought about Omar Khayyam, and Dennison swore that hedid--a rotten sort of thing to quarrel about, anyway. I never heard ofthe man until yesterday. I've often heard of Rosbach, " he added. 

"What's going to happen now?" Fred asked, and from some cause or otherhe was shaking with laughter. 

Jack told him about the Hedonists, and finished up by saying that hemust go to see Thornton. 

"What's the good of that?" I asked. 

"I want to see if he isn't having a huge joke all to himself; if he iswe may as well help him with it. "

As soon as Fred had gone away Jack persuaded me to go with him and callon Thornton. He had got hold of a scheme which Murray and Learoyd hadstarted, and as its object seemed to be to score off Dennison I was notgoing to be out of it. We found Thornton sitting in an arm-chair withhis feet on the mantelpiece, and Jack seeing that he was alone sportedthe oak so that we could not be interrupted. 

"I should think, " Thornton said, as he pushed his chair back, "that Imust have had over thirty men in here to-day. There were seventeenbefore twelve o'clock. I am thinking of putting a visitors' book inthe passage, so that they can write their names and go away. Are yougoing to back me up to-morrow night?" he asked Jack. 

"They have persuaded you to stand?"

"Dennison says it would be such a bad thing for the college if this manWebb got in. Of course it is a great honour for a fresher, but I amused to speaking; we have a debating society at home. " He spoke as ifthe whole thing was not in the least important, and ran his fingersthrough his hair until it stood straight up on end. It was the sort ofhair which looked like stubble. 

Jack was so discouraged that he did not know what to say, so I askedThornton if he expected to be elected. 

"There doesn't seem to be any doubt about that; there are only aboutthirty members, and quite half of them have promised to support me. Webb of course is better known, but in some cases it does no harm tokeep oneself in the background until the last moment. Then I shallspeak. " He seemed to think that his speech would settle everythingcompletely. 

I wandered round the room waiting for Jack to bring forward his schemeif he could remember it, but he was sitting on the table sucking at apipe which had no tobacco in it, so I drifted over to a book-case, andnearly the first book I saw was an edition of _Omar Khayyam_. Thissurprised me so much that I turned round to see if Thornton reallylooked like a lunatic, but I got no satisfaction from him, for I hadonce seen a man who might have been his brother, and then I had beenplaying cricket against an asylum. He was lying back in his chairgazing at the ceiling, and I pulled _Omar Khayyam_ out of the case andput it on the table for Jack to see. Then I sat down and waited forresults, but I had to make no end of signs before he would take anynotice of the book, for he was in such a state of despondency that Ibelieve he thought I was trying to talk on my fingers. At last his eyefell on the book, and after I had nodded furiously at him, he jumpedoff the table and stood in front of Thornton. 

"You read _Omar Khayyam_?" he said, holding the book in his hand. 

Thornton stopped staring at the ceiling and sat forward with his elbowsresting on his knees. "Yes, " he answered; "at least, I used to until Iknew it by heart. "

"He's a good brand of champagne, " Jack went on. 

"Are you a friend of Dennison's?" Thornton asked, and there was a kindof hunted look in his eyes. 

"I'm not, " I hastened to tell him, and at that moment I looked at mywatch and discovered that I had already kept The Bradder waiting forten minutes, so I had to go just as things were becoming interesting. 

Jack assured me afterwards that Thornton was not mad. "But, " he added, "he's very odd, and I believe he's in a mortal terror that, unless hegoes on pretending to be a fool, these men will do something much worseto him than make him president of a society which doesn't exist. SoI've put Murray to speak to him; this will be the talk of the 'Varsity, and I don't see what good there is in keeping prize idiots. I havetold him to go on playing up to Dennison for a bit, and then we wouldhelp him. "

I did not think, however, that it would be very easy to save Thornton, and when Collier and I went to the meeting of the Hedonists on thefollowing evening we agreed that whether he was mad or only verysimple, he was sure to be in for a bad time. Although Dennison hadmoved into some of the biggest rooms in college, they were crowded whenwe got to them, and it was very difficult to get Collier inside thedoor. Dennison and a few other men were sitting at a table at the farend of the room, and just as we arrived a fourth-year man got up tospeak. 

I suppose that his business was to explain why the Hedonists existed. At any rate, he said that it was his duty before he, as the out-goingPresident, broke his wand of office to remind the Society that itexisted for two definite objects--the pursuit of pleasure, and thesuppression of vulgarity. He then went on to state that Mr. Wilkins, formerly of St. Cuthbert's, had kindly consented to give an account ofhis travels in Central Africa. 

"Formerly of St. Cuthbert's, " described Wilkins correctly, for he hadbeen sent down after one term, and since then had been living analcoholic existence in a farm-house a few miles outside Oxford. Hisappearance was comical, but he was really a dreadful barbarian, whothought that it was better to gain notoriety as a hard drinker than tobe forgotten entirely. He began by telling us that he had never beento Central Africa, and hoped sincerely that he never should go. Healso told us that the reason why he was addressing the Society was arumour that his aunt had met several African explorers at dinner, buthe wished to say that she was no more of a lion-hunter than he was. Inthis way he strove desperately to be amusing, but the struggle was verypainful, and I was glad when he had finished. 

The President then broke his wand of office, which for some obscurereason was a bulrush painted white, and Thornton and Webb, who had beensitting behind the table, were put up for election and called upon tospeak. Webb developed a stammer, and although he had his speechwritten on his shirt-cuff, no one could hear what he said. He was, however, received with a lot of applause, so that Thornton might thinkthe election was genuine; Dennison had certainly packed the meetingwith great care. 

Thornton's speech was, in its way, almost too amusing, for I found itvery hard to believe that any one who was not more or less mad couldpossibly make it. He spoke at a tremendous pace, sometimes talkingutter nonsense, and then as if by chance saying something almostsensible. Voting-papers were given to twenty-five picked men after hehad finished, and Thornton was elected President by fourteen votes toeleven. The meeting finished by Thornton thanking everybody in a voicewhich sounded tearful, and then he announced that the annual dinner ofthe Hedonists would be held at The Sceptre on the following Fridayevening, at which the ceremonies of inauguration would be held, and hewould be the only guest of the Society in accordance with its ancientand honourable traditions. 

"Don't you think he is mad?" I said to Jack as I walked across the quadwith him. 

"The only danger is that they may find out that he is rotting the wholelot of them. He overdid the thing to-night. Come and see Murray. "

We found Murray waiting to hear what had happened at the meeting, andfrom the account we gave him he said that it could not have gone offmore successfully. "If you think Thornton mad when you know that heisn't, there is no reason for Dennison to change his mind. Besides, these men are quite certain that he is cracked, and as long as we arecareful they won't suspect anything. "

"We shall have to be most tremendously careful, " Jack said, and heseemed to find the prospect oppressive. 

"I'll manage Thornton, " Murray continued, "and what you men have got todo is to get asked to this dinner. We shall have to take some othersinto this. "

We sat down and chose several men who disliked the Dennison gang, andwho could be trusted not to give our scheme away by talking about it, and during the next few days we had to work hard. Dennison andLambert, however, were so confident that this dinner was going to bethe finest rag ever held in Oxford that they did not mind who came toit. Collier got several invitations for us, because he had a nicesolid way of sitting down in a man's rooms and waiting until he wasgiven what he wanted; but apart from Jack it was not difficult for usto get to The Sceptre, and at last even Jack was invited. Murray saidthat his part was to prepare Thornton, and he refused to go to thedinner, because Dennison might wonder why he wanted to be there. Ithought that Murray carried caution to extremes. 

I should think that there were nearly forty men at this function; butthe only guest was Thornton, so he began by scoring something. It wasan elaborate affair; Dennison as Secretary of the Hedonists, and two orthree men who called themselves Ex-Presidents, wore enormous badges, and Thornton's shirt was covered with orders and decorations which weresupposed to have been worn by eighty-eight consecutive Presidents. Howany one who was sane could possibly consent to be made such a foolpuzzled me altogether, and it required all Jack's assurances to make mebelieve that we should not be scored off all along the line. 

After the dinner was finished Dennison got up to introduce thePresident of the year, but all he did was to give a short biography ofThornton, which for impudence was simply terrific. Everything had goneso well up to then that I suppose he could not keep himself in hand anylonger; but as he was bounder enough to pull Thornton's people into hisspeech, he succeeded in disgusting several men who had been helping himin the rag. He finished up by saying that Thornton would give hisinaugural address, and that afterwards the historic ceremonies of theHedonists would be performed. 

A man with a voice which was a mixture of a street hawker's and aparish clerk's stood up and chanted, "I call upon Mr. Edward NoelKenneth Thornton to put on the purple presidential cap and to deliverhis inaugural address to this ancient and historic Society. " The cap, which had a long black tassel, was then handed to Thornton, and he putit on amidst tremendous applause. It made him look more ridiculousthan ever, but he seemed to be perfectly calm when he got up and bowedsolemnly in every direction. 

"Mr. Ex-Presidents and fellow-members of this justly-celebratedHedonist Society, " he began, and every word he said could be heardplainly, "we are here to-night in obedience to custom and in pursuit ofpleasure. Custom is one thing and pleasure is another, but we arefortunate in belonging to a Society which makes its customs pleasant, and which has such skilled hands to guide its pleasures that the wordcustomary fails entirely to describe them. " He paused for a moment, and a man near me asked what he was talking about, but Webb answeredquickly that he was a hopeless madman, and that the ceremonies would bethe real joke. "That I, a freshman, " he continued, "should be electedPresident of this Society fills me with gratitude and even dismay, forI fear that the duties of so distinguished an office will be butinadequately performed during the coming year. " Loud cries of "No"followed this remark, and he went on, "You are good enough to disagreewith me, and perhaps the ceremonies connected with my office may helpme to fulfil my duties. I will tell you what those ceremonies are. "Dennison tried to stop him, but he was speaking quickly and took nonotice of the interruption. "After my address has been given I put onmy robes of office and ride on a mule from here to St. Cuthbert's; I amto be accompanied by the band of the Society, and attended by six menwho will carry syphons of Apollinaris water and prevent my robes frombeing soiled by the dust of the streets. Had I known before I camehere that so much honour was about to be showered upon me I do notthink that I should have considered myself worthy of being yourPresident. I forgot to say that I am provided with an umbrella. " Ilooked at Dennison, and he did not seem to be feeling very comfortable;Thornton, however, had kept up the _rôle_ of a madman thoroughly, andhad spoken of the ceremonies as if he was quite prepared to carry themout. Some men were shouting with laughter, but Jack was almost palewith anxiety, and whispered to me that he was afraid Thornton would getflurried and finish his speech too soon. As soon as the laughter hadstopped he went on speaking, and although he looked terribly pale andbothered, he was never at a loss for words. "I am, I have been told, the eighty-ninth man to fill this important office, and when I think ofmy predecessors, some of whom have doubtless passed away, I am filledwith a sense of my unfitness for the post which I fill. The whole fateof this Society depends upon its President; without him to guide themembers in their pursuit of pleasure they would be left to drift intoundignified amusements, and might even end by taking such absurd thingsas degrees. At all cost we must avoid banality. " As if in theexcitement of the moment, he swept his hands over his head and knockedoff his cap. "However, my fellow Hedonists, I think I may say thatyour last President has entered earnestly into the spirit of thisSociety. Its aim, you remember, is pleasure--not any vulgar orordinary pleasure, but refined and exclusive amusement--that is writtenin the rules of the Society as they were given to me, and I need notremind those who are present to-night that it is their duty to obeythem. " He rested his right hand on his shirt, and continued quickly, "I, at any rate, have obeyed them to the letter. I have, if I may sayso, got more amusement out of this evening than I have ever had in mylife, and as your eighty-ninth President I declare this magnificentSociety at an end. " Dennison, Lambert, and one or two others jumpedup, but Thornton told them loudly not to interrupt him, and several ofus shouted for him to go on with his speech. "I have had anexceedingly good dinner, and my last word must be one of sympathy withMr. Dennison, who, thinking that I was a bigger fool than he was, hasinvented a society of which, I am sure you will all acknowledge, he isthe only man worthy to be President. I hope that you will see that heperforms the ceremonies which he has arranged for me. " As he finishedhe took off all his badges and tossed them across the table to Dennison. 

There was a good deal of noise during the concluding sentences of hisspeech, but the so-called Hedonists were so astonished that they didnothing, and Thornton very prudently did not wait to see what wouldhappen next. Dennison was in a miserable state because he wasviolently angry and trying to grin, and before the general hubbub hadstopped, two men out of our eight, who had never forgiven him forlaughing at their rowing, picked him up and carried him out of theroom. In a minute Dennison, with the purple cap on his head, wassitting on the donkey, and a procession had started to St. Cuthbert's. When we got back to college we succeeded in taking possession of theporter who answered our knocks, and in getting both the moke andDennison into the quad. I was so engaged with the porter that I didnot see whether Dennison entered in state, but at any rate he had toride round the quad two or three times, and crowds of men were there tosee him do it. Finally, the Subby and The Bradder appeared, and gaveorders that the donkey should leave the college; so as soon as Dennisonhad dismounted, his steed was handed over to its owner, who was waitingin the street. Then some of us paid a call on the porter to see if hecould develop a bad memory for faces, but the only thing we found outfrom him was that his temper was bad, and that we had known before. AsI went back to my rooms I met Lambert, who drew himself up in front ofme as if he was on parade. 

"Don't think, " he said, "that you have heard the last of this. "

"We shall never hear the last of it, " I answered, "We know that you played this dirty trick. "

"You can know what you please, " I said. 

"I told you about Thornton, and then you prepare this behind our backs. "

"The whole college, and nearly the whole 'Varsity knew about Thornton, so you needn't talk such rot to me. Crowds of out-college men werehere to see him come in to-night. "

"You arranged the whole thing. "

"You may think whatever you like, " I replied; and he strode away with awarning that I had better look out for myself. 

CHAPTER XXI

ONE WORD TOO MANY

The collapse of the Hedonists placed me in a very curious position, forby some freak of fortune an idea spread through the 'Varsity that I hadbeen responsible for it, and whenever I went to Vincent's I was alwaysbutton-holed by men who asked me to tell them what had happened. Itwas almost as bad as Nina falling into the "Cher, " for a tale thirtytimes told is as flavourless as sauce kept in an uncorked bottle. Icould not say that Murray was the man to explain the whole thing, forhe was most extraordinarily anxious that his name should not bementioned. I thought that he carried discretion beyond the bounds ofdecency, but Jack said that if it had not been for him we should neverhave made a fool of Dennison, and this was so far true that I stoppedmyself from making one or two forcible remarks. The immediate resultof our procession was that a great many people seemed to beincoherently angry. I had interviews with both the Warden and theSubby, and I am sorry to say that our porter had told them that I hadhit him in the ribs. I had done nothing of the kind, but it wasnecessary that he should be taken for a short walk, and I did put myarm through his and keep myself between him and the donkey until it wassafely in the quad. I am sure that the Warden understood that I wouldnot hit any one in the ribs, and I think his annoyance was due chieflyto the fact that some one had told a reporter a lot of things whichwere not true, and there were accounts of the Hedonists in some of theLondon papers. But the fact of a donkey being in our quad had got onthe Subby's nerves, and he gated me for a month without listening towhat I had to say. He also told me that I ought to consider myselfvery lucky not to be sent down for the term. Several other men, including Dennison, were gated for a fortnight, and I had greatdifficulty in keeping Jack from going to the Subby, to ask him if hewould not do something to him. It was very silly of Jack to think ofpushing himself into this row, but instead of thanking his stars thathe had not been seen, he was furious with me when I told him to keepaway from the Subby; and a lot of other men in St. Cuthbert's who wouldhave been glad to help in squashing Dennison, were angry because theyhad never been told of our plans. 

Collier, who had not been gated, told me by way of comfort that virtueis its own reward, but if this is true, I really think that virtue isbadly handicapped, and that those who practise it should get somethingmore substantial to satisfy them. I began to think that if ever therewas another attempt to do anything for the college I should be too busyto take any part in it. There was, however, one thing which cheered meduring these days of bad temper, and that was a report that Dennisonand Lambert were vowing vengeance upon me. I hoped most sincerely thatthey would try to do something, for I should have received them withpleasure. But their threats never came to anything, for as the dayspassed by and every one knew how completely they had been scored off, their desire for revenge seemed to wane. Ridicule smothered them, andtry as they would to live it down, their influence, as far as thecollege was concerned, disappeared entirely. Some of the set pulledthemselves up and became more or less silent, while others continued toshriek at night, and to go to the theatre for the purpose of making arow, which seems to me to be nearly the end of all things. 

In a week the Hedonists were almost forgotten, and when the storm hadblown over, Murray was not so anxious that I should have all the creditof having caused it. But by that time no one cared to know who hadthought of preparing Thornton for the dinner, and Murray treated me asif I had robbed him of something. I think he must have been workingtoo hard, or suffering from some secret illness, for I had already tolda hundred men that it was not in me to make a plot of any kind, andthat if I had been responsible for this one it would never have beensuccessful. Murray's indignation came too late to have any effect, andas I thought he was quite unreasonable I made no attempt to pacify him. 

After things had settled down again no one could help seeing that thefall of Dennison and his friends had done no end of good to thecollege. The men who can be only described as absolute slackers do notoften get the chance of having any influence in a college, but for somereason or other Dennison had become the fashion among a certain set inSt. Cuthbert's, and if we were ever to do anything properly again itwas time for the fashion to change. There are many ways of makingyourself conspicuous in Oxford, and Dennison chose the one which themajority of men never have been able to put up with. I think St. Cuthbert's during my first two years had most unusually bad luck; wewere suffering, like the agricultural interest, from years ofdepression, and we tobogganed down the hill instead of trying to pullourselves to the top of it again. I suppose other colleges have theirtroubles, but while I was at Oxford no college had such a desperatestruggle as St. Cuthbert's. 

My interviews with The Bradder during the first two or three weeks ofthis term were most strictly business-like. I was afraid that he wouldspeak to me of the Hedonists, and as I had no intention of saying aword to him about them I never stayed with him longer than I couldpossibly help. Dons, however, find out things without askingundergraduates, and the man who imagines that they are not troublingthemselves about him is in danger of having rather a rude awakening, ifhe happens to be doing things which do not please them. Our dons musthave known all about Dennison, and I believe they fixed their eyes moststeadfastly upon him. At any rate, his father, who was a barrister, must have heard something, because he paid a surprise visit to Oxford. There is something horribly mean about surprise visits, whateverinformation may be got from them, and for the first time in my life Ifelt a little sympathy for Dennison. 

Whether his father thought this visit successful or not I do not know, but he certainly found out a lot in a short time and came to a verydefinite decision. He called on Dennison at ten o'clock and found himsleeping, he called again at twelve o'clock with the same result; atone o'clock he discovered him sitting at breakfast in hisdressing-gown. Lambert was unfortunate enough to hear some of theinterview which followed, and he said that Dennison's defence was veryclever, but that he broke down under cross-examination. 

"I have never seen such a man as old Dennison, " I heard Lambert tellingsome one in the common-room; "he looked like a piece of marble, andwhen I went in and wanted to bolt he treated me as if I was anoffice-boy, and said that as he believed I was a particular friend ofhis son's it would do me good to stay. The worst of it was thatDennison wasn't very well, and was having a pick-me-up with hisbrekker. He wasn't in bed until four this morning, so it's no wonderhe didn't look very fit. "

On the following afternoon Dennison left Oxford; he was not sent downby the dons, but had to go for the simple reason that his father saidhe would not let him stay any longer. His friends took him down to thestation, and there was a procession of cabs and a noise, but I am surethat there was a feeling of relief in the college when he had gone. Jack and I told each other that we were sorry that his end had come sosuddenly, although if any one had asked me what I meant, I am sure thatI could not have given any explanation. It is not very hard to guesswhat would have happened to him if his father had not acted as he did, and if you have to leave Oxford abruptly I should think the best way isto be hurried off by your people; it must save so many explanationswhen you get home. 

What happened to Dennison I cannot say; somebody said that he was goinground the world or on to the Stock Exchange, but Lambert denied boththese reports, and declared that he had reformed so violently that hehad become a teetotaler and intended to wear a blue riband in hisbutton-hole. I doubted the blue riband part of the story, and ifDennison ever wore one I think it would only be on Boat-race day, forit takes a tremendous lot of courage to wear a badge of any kind. 

After Dennison had disappeared, Jack and I saw The Bradder nearly everyday. His keenness on the college increased instead of wearing off withtime, and he seemed to be exactly the right kind of man to be a don. His energy was really terrific, and I received more goads than I couldendure conveniently, so I passed some of them on to Jack and chosethose which I liked the least, not, I am afraid, the ones which Jackmight be inclined to receive with patience. 

The Bradder persuaded me to join both a Shakespearian and a BrowningSociety, and as I could not plunge into such things by myself I draggedJack with me. The Shakespearian Society was pleasant enough, but aftertwo meetings of the Browningites Jack said flatly that he would not goagain. Some of the Browning men objected to the windows being opened, and it is very difficult to keep awake in a stuffy room when you havebeen taking hard exercise in the afternoon. Jack, at any rate, snoredso loudly at the second meeting that he shocked the President, and whenhe woke up he interrupted a discussion by giving a very fluent lectureon the advantages of ventilation. I expect that he would have beenturned out of the society if he had not resigned, and I ought not tohave dragged him into it, for he was so violently bored by the wholething that he declared he must have a little pleasure to make himforget all about it. 

"Something in the open air, " he said to me, when he came to my rooms onthe morning after he had snored, and he looked at a volume of _Stubbs'Constitutional History_ as if he was very tired of it. I was alsofeeling rather dull, for I had already got through a fortnight of mygating, and to be kept in college after nine o'clock night after nightis not very exciting. 

"A little change is what we want, " Jack went on, as I said nothing. 

"I can't do much, " I answered; "I'm gated and you have got to row. "

"I've got a day off to-morrow; the stroke of my boat has to go to townand bow's ill. "

"Why not have a day's hunting?" I asked. 

"There is a little race-meeting down below Reading; you pulled me intothat Browning thing and it is only fair for you to come to this. "

"But I shan't be back in time. "

"It's only about twenty miles beyond Reading, and there's no footermatch, because I've looked to see. Let's get Bunny Langham and have arest, it will do us all no end of good. Bunny is going in forpolitics--his father was President of the Union, and he has got to be, if he can. I should think that there are more Presidents of things inOxford than any other place in the world, unless it's Cambridge; butBunny will stick some of his own poetry into his speeches, and the menat the Union don't like it. You can tell him that if ever he expectsto be President he must stop that game, he takes no notice of what Isay about poetry. You'll come?"

We looked up trains and found out that we could be back by half-pastsix, so I said that I would go, and Jack went off to see Bunny Langham. As far as racing was concerned the Horndeane meeting was not veryinteresting, for there was not a close finish in any race which I saw, but if any one has a fancy for picking up very inexpensive horses Ishould advise them never to miss Horndeane. 

I was strolling about with Bunny and Jack after one race, and saw thewinner of it brought out for sale. It fetched a hundred and sixtyguineas, and Jack said it was "dirt cheap. " Then another horse was putup, and I was surprised to hear some one bid ten guineas. Such anoffer seemed to me ridiculous for a race-horse, so without thinking, and just to help things on a bit, I said "eleven, " and strolled on withJack; but before we had gone far some one was asking my name, andanother man was asking me what I wished him to do with the horse. Somany questions bothered me, and I tried to explain that I had made amistake when I had said "eleven, " but it seemed as if such mistakes didnot count for much. 

"The horse is yours, " one man said. 

"And he's got the temper of a fiend, " the other man added, "and Ishould like you to find some one to take him at once. "

I was quite prepared to give him away if I could find any one foolishenough to have him, but Bunny wouldn't hear of it, and declared wewould take him back to Oxford with us. "He may be a gold mine, whoknows?" he said. 

Jack laughed so much, that while I was surrounded by a lot of impatientpeople he was unable to help me at all, and I can tell those who havenever had to suffer as I did, that to become an owner of a race-horsesuddenly is a very awkward experience. 

My brute was called "Thunderer, " and the man who had got hold of himsaid that his name was the only good thing about him, for he roaredlike the sea. I wished heartily that some one would steal my horse, but every one seemed to be most distressingly anxious to keep as faraway from him as possible. 

I suppose Bunny knew all about racers, for in a few minutes he hadarranged for a horse-box to be put on our train, and Thundererdisappeared. I seemed to spend the remainder of the afternoon in beingasked for money by people who said they had done or were going to dosomething for me. I found that my exalted position brought manyburdens with it, and I was very glad when we left the race-course. Unfortunately, however, we trusted to Bunny's watch, and when we got tothe station, which was on a little branch line, our train to Readinghad gone. There had been some bother about the horse-box, and thestation-master and a number of people who took an unabating interest inme were quarrelling when we arrived. I sat down on a bench and leftBunny to talk to them; I have never been so tired of anything in mylife. 

Even if the next train was punctual we had to wait for an hour, and byno chance could we reach Oxford before half-past seven. We should havebeen annoyed in any case, but Jack and I were very irritated becausethe Mohocks were meeting that evening, and we had men dining with us. The only thing to do was to telegraph and ask some one to look afterour guests until we came, but the station had no telegraph-office, andif we wanted to send a telegram we had to go down to the village. 

A porter assured us that we could get to the post-office in tenminutes, and that the road was quite straight. I don't know what hewas thinking about, possibly of a bicycle and daylight, for the way tothe village needed a lot of finding, and it took us quite half-an-hourto reach the post-office. By that time a thick fog had risen. Wetried, and failed, to get any kind of vehicle to take us back to thestation, so we started to run and lost our way. The natural result wasthat we missed another train, and the stationmaster, who must have hadan especial dislike for me, had not sent on the horse-box, and was moreangry than ever. Of all the obstinate people in the world I think astation-master at a small station can be easily first, and our effortsto soothe him produced no effect whatever. Everything he said beganwith "I know my business, " and I have always been inclined to doubtpeople who try to crush me with such unnecessary information. 

We got away eventually, but my misfortunes were not finished. Ourtrain was very late at Reading and there was no longer any chance forme to be in college by nine o'clock. Jack, too, was bothered about themen whom he had asked to dinner, and Bunny alone remained in a state ofunruffled contentment. 

When the train came at last I got into a carriage with only a glance atthe people in it, and tried to go to sleep, but Bunny kept on talkingabout Thunderer and had magnificent schemes for my future benefit. Iregret to say that he was in what must have been a sportive mood, andasked me to choose my racing colours and my trainer. He kept up a longseries of questions which I did not answer, but which prevented me fromgoing to sleep. I opened my eyes reluctantly and saw Jack slumberingin a corner, but when I looked at the man opposite to me I became mostthoroughly awake. This man, as far as I remember anything about himwhen I got into the carriage, had his head buried in a newspaper; nowhe was revealed as Mr. Edwardes, and having wished me "good-evening, "he added--quite superfluously--that he was surprised to see me. 

Bunny with more curiosity than good manners put on his glasses to lookat Mr. Edwardes, and I, having to say something, thought that I mightas well introduce them to each other, though I took care to mumbleBunny's name so that it could not be heard. Mr. Edwardes bowed andopened his paper again, but Bunny having arrived at the fact that I wasface to face with a don of some kind, thought he would try to pass thetime pleasantly. Considering what he had already said aboutrace-horses nothing could have been more fatuous than his attempts toexplain why I was not in Oxford. He began by talking about Britishindustries, and in a minute was saying that he thought a visit toHuntley and Palmer's biscuit manufactory was well worth a visit toReading. I kicked and nudged him incessantly, for the snubs which hereceived from Mr. Edwardes only seemed to encourage him. 

The distance between Reading and Oxford is happily not great, but bythe time we had finished our journey I was in a state of profounddiscomfort, and though I had no love for Mr. Edwardes, I thought thatBunny might have had the sense to know that if he was amusing himselfhe was making things more difficult for me. His explanation was that aman who looked like a frozen image was just as likely to believe that Ihad been inspecting Huntley and Palmer's manufactory as buying arace-horse, and at any rate it was a good thing to try and mix him up alittle, but I can't say that I thought the explanation a good one. 

When we got to Oxford a man from a livery-stable was waiting forThunderer, and Jack and I reached St. Cuthbert's just as the Mohockswere coming back to college after playing pool. It was half-past tenbefore I could explain things to the men whom I had asked to dine withme, and when they heard that I had been buying a race-horse theythought that my excuses were good enough. 

The Bradder was dining with the Mohocks that evening, and when theout-college men had gone away he asked me to come to his rooms and havea smoke. I looked at Jack, and The Bradder said at once, "Ask Ward tocome with you, " and walked off across the quad. 

We told him exactly what we had been doing, and I think Mr. Edwardeswould have been rather surprised to see how he laughed. 

"What would Colonel Marten say if he knew you had bought a race-horse?"he asked me. 

"I hope to goodness he never will know, " I answered. 

"What are you going to do with him?"

"Sell him--if I can; Langham's got him in the stables where he keepshis horses, and if you would like to have a look at him, I'll take youround. "

But The Bradder shook his head. 

"You say Mr. Edwardes saw you at Reading, and that you are gated, andwere not in college until ten o'clock. I wish you would not do suchstupid things, " he said quite seriously. 

"It was the reaction, " I replied. 

"From what?"

"Browning, " I said, and The Bradder did not look altogether pleased. 

"I am sorry you can't appreciate Browning. "

"I can't appreciate very many things at once. Besides, Jack and I feltvery dull. "

"Mr. Edwardes saw you, I suppose?" he asked Jack. 

"I should think so, but I don't think he knows me by sight. "

"Oh yes, he does, " The Bradder said. "Both of you are bound to hearmore about this. "

"It's very unfortunate, " Jack remarked; "you see there was a fog, andall sorts of unexpected things happened. It has been a real bad day, "he added, as we left the room. 

On the following morning directly after breakfast Jack and I went roundto see Bunny, and we found him talking to a man who looked like a groomfrom his head to his heels. I groaned. 

"Sit down, Sam, " Bunny said. "That's Mr. Marten, the owner of thehorse you are talking about. "

"Well, all I can say is what the Guv'nor told me to say. I was to saythis 'oss must leave our place this morning or there'll be trouble. "

"There seems to have been trouble already, " Bunny replied. 

"'E's done enough damage for twenty 'osses. Kick, you should see 'im;'e's kicked a loose box silly. Our Guv'nor's fairly got 'is rag out. "

"He must wait until I've finished breakfast. You'd better have acigarette, Sam. "

"No, thank you, " Sam answered, and looked at a cigar-box. 

"Help yourself, " Bunny said. 

Sam helped himself and remarked that he had been up since five o'clockwith that blessed 'oss, and that it was thirsty work. So he helpedhimself again. After that he did not seem to mind so much what theGuv'nor said, and told Bunny that he had never met a nobleman whodidn't know how to treat people properly. 

We talked to Sam for some time, and just as Bunny was finishingbreakfast another man came into the room. 

"I had forgotten all about you, " Bunny said. "I'm afraid this place israther full of smoke, " and he introduced his cousin, Mr. Eric Bruce. 

"I can't congratulate you on your memory, " Bruce replied; "you forgot Iwas going to stay with you last night, and you forget I want anybreakfast. Funny chap, Augustus, isn't he?" he said to me. 

"Your wire never came until I had gone yesterday, so I couldn't forgetyou were coming, " Bunny said, and rang the bell. 

"I'll tell the Guv'nor you'll be round in 'alf a jiffy, " Sam said, andwent out of the room jerkily, as if he had got a stiff leg. 

"What curious friends you have, Augustus, and what is ''alf a jiffy'?"Bruce asked. 

"Don't be a fool, " Bunny answered, "and don't call me Augustus. "

"It's better than Gussy, " Bruce declared, and though I should have beenglad to contradict him, for I disliked him at sight, there is no doubtthat he was right. 

"Is the man, who has gone, an elderly undergraduate or only a don?"Bruce went on. 

"He's from some stables round the corner. Any one with two eyes couldsee that. "

"Rude as usual; my cousin's the oddest man, " Bruce said to Jack. 

"Like to buy a horse?" Bunny asked him. 

"I'm ready to buy anything if I can sell it at a profit, " he answered. 

"Well, swallow your breakfast and come and have a look. You'll getyour profit all right. I've never known you when you didn't. "

In a few minutes we all went to the stables, and Bunny began hagglingoperations. Bruce bid a "fiver" for Thunderer, and was told he wouldfetch that for cats' meat, and then the game went on. In the end Brucesaid he would give fifteen guineas, and take him to London that day. Inearly seized him by the hand, and told him he was a rare good sort, which I was quite convinced he was not. The livery-stable man did notseem to care what happened as long as Thunderer went away, and I mustsay that he made the least of his eccentricities. 

"That's a bit of luck, " Bunny said to me when the bargain was settled, "I get rid of my cousin and a horse on the same day, both real badlots. He's our family pestilence, " and he nodded at Bruce's back. 

For Jack's benefit I added up the result of my investment, and came tothe conclusion that I was about eighteen-pence to the bad when I hadpaid for the damage Thunderer had done, and all the little incidentalexpenses connected with him. You can't own a race-horse for nothing, and I think that I--or rather Bunny--did well. I was told afterwardsthat Bruce raffled my horse and sold fifty tickets for a sovereigneach, but I am not inclined to believe that story, and at any rate Ishould not have known where to find fifty fools. I certainly could nothave discovered them in Oxford, where some people, who have never beenthere, make the mistake of thinking they are to be found in crowds. 

I believe the dons held a meeting about Jack and me, for The Braddertold us there was a great difference of opinion about the sort of menwe were. I tried to get more out of him, but failed. However, we gotoff lightly, for Jack was only gated for a week, while I was given alecture by the Subby, and had a week added to my term of imprisonment. 

The Bradder also advised me to give up going to race-meetings. 

CHAPTER XXII

A TUTORSHIP

I was beginning to forget that I had ever been the owner of arace-horse when I got a furious letter from my father. The Warden hadtold my uncle, and my uncle lost his head and wrote to my peopleinstead of to me. A tale of this kind always flies round at atremendous pace, and it was difficult to make every one believe that Ihad never meant to buy the horse, and that as soon as I had bought himmy one desire was to get rid of him. I found out afterwards that theWarden only told my uncle because he thought the tale would amuse him, but apparently he expressed himself in such very curious language thathe gave the impression of being annoyed. After I had soothed my peoplethe Bishop wrote to me that the turf had been the ruin of many youngmen, but when I thought of the part I had played upon it I came to theconclusion that I was not likely to be added to the number. My unclereferred to racing as "a fascinating and very expensive pleasure, " andI assured him that I had not found it fascinating, and that myexperience had cost me eighteen-pence, the cheapness of which he had toadmit. I am glad that I added up my expenses, for that eighteen-pencewas very useful, it was such a delightfully ridiculous sum to brandishat any one who thought that I was trotting down the road to perdition. 

During the rest of the term we were very quiet in St. Cuthbert's. Iwas able to play rugger for the college in nearly every match, for mydays in the 'Varsity fifteen had ended. Hogan was better than ever, while I had fallen away to the kind of man who Blackheath ask to playfor them when half their team are crocked and the other half haveinfluenza. I did not mind, however, for our college fifteen was onlybeaten by Trinity and Keble, and our soccer team, chiefly owing tothree or four freshers, was also much better than it had been for years. 

Things were improving all round, and Jack's energy was almostexhausting to those who watched it. He seemed to me to be hunting forsocieties to join, and he went round sampling them and finding out thatthey did not suit him. Bunny Langham succeeded in getting himselfelected Secretary of the Union, and he told me that he was going tohave several cabinet ministers down to speak in the following term, andshould give them a jolly good dinner. He asked Jack and me to meetthem, but only one of them came, and he did not dine with Bunny. Hisfather, who was in the Government and held the record for the number ofspeeches he had made in the House of Lords, came down once and wantedto come again, but he spoke for such a tremendously long time thatBunny declared that he should give up all hopes of being electedPresident if he ever came again. 

In the Lent term Jack rowed six in our Torpid, and also told me that hethought he should try and get his blue for throwing the hammer. He hadnever thrown the hammer in his life, but he said that he knew what itwas like and any one could throw it. I suppose that was true, butJack, when he tried, found that there were other men who could throw ita greater distance than he could, which did not trouble him in theleast. He remarked that the hammer was a silly thing after all, andthat he should think of something else. 

But the Torpid occupied so much of his time and attention that he gaveup seeking for a curious way in which to get his blue, and settled downto train in a most determined manner. The sight of me eating muffinsfor tea seemed to be almost an insult to him, I really believe that hewould have liked me to train with him, though I had nothing whatever totrain for. He did persuade me once to run round the Parks beforebreakfast, but I didn't repeat the experiment, for I felt quite fitwithout being restless in the early morning. Of course I had theTorpid to breakfast, and their confidence in themselves was as great astheir appetites. You can't, I think, give breakfast to a Torpid andlike them at the same time, and I have never acted as host to a Torpidor an Eight without being struck by the fact that of all men in theworld I was the most supremely unimportant. Occasionally Jack andanother man remembered that I was not very interested in the amount ofwork the Corpus stroke did with his legs, and made as great an effortto drag me into the conversation as I made to keep in it. But theeffort was very apparent on both sides, and I gave up when I heard thatseven in the Merton boat used his oar like a pump-handle, and thatthere was not a single man in the Pembroke crew who pulled his ownweight. This last statement compelled me to ask if Pembroke hoisted asail on their boat and waited for a favourable wind, but my questionwas treated with scorn, and I came to the usual conclusion that thebest place to see a Torpid collectively is in a boat. 

The confidence of our men depressed me, for I had most conscientiouslyplayed the part of host to previous Torpids and Eights, who had beenequally confident until the racing began. After that they had eithercomplained of their luck or their cox, and I asked Jack when I got himby himself if he really thought our boat was going up. 

"I don't know, " he replied, "we plug hard, and thinking you are boundto bump everybody is part of the game. It's no use starting to racewith your tail down. "

The papers considered that we were bound to rise, but for two yearsthey had been saying that and all we had done was to lose more places. I wished that I could meet some one who was not sure about the successof our boat, and at last I discovered him in Lambert, who said our crewlooked like a picnic party, which had gone too far out to sea, and hadto plug for all they were worth to get back before night. Then Idefended them and felt more happy. The fact was the Torpids were asort of test case; if we went up I felt we should have fairly turnedthe corner, but if we went down I was afraid our fit of enthusiasmwould cool rapidly. No one who was rowing in them could have been moreexcited than I was. The Bradder noticed it and complained, but for themoment I was incapable of caring much about things which had happened, and after all there is something to be said for anybody who is reallykeen on one thing, if he does not make himself a very terrific bore. 

On the first night of the races we got a dreadfully bad start, and fortwo or three minutes we were in danger of being bumped. Then wesettled down and began to draw close to Corpus, but our cox was tooeager and made unsuccessful shots at them. After the second shot Icould not run another yard, so perhaps a little training might havedone me good, but we did catch Corpus at the "Cher, " and that began atriumphant week. We made seven bumps, and though a lot of men said ourcrew showed more brute force than science, it must have been nonsense, because we went up from fourteenth to seventh, and when a boat getsfairly high in the First Division there is sure to be some one in itwho can row properly. The stroke of the 'Varsity eight told me thatthe best man in our Torpid was Jack and I believed him very easily. 

"He could be made useful in the middle of a boat with a bit ofcoaching, " he said to me. 

"You'll be up next year, so look out for him, " I answered, and I toldhim that I thought Jack was a splendid oar, which was no use because heonly laughed. 

I had become so accustomed to a dismal return to college from both theEights and Torpids that the change was quite delightful, and on thelast day of the races we had a huge "bump" supper in hall. From thatsupper some of our dons stood aloof and were even said to disapprove ofit, but the Warden was present for the greater part of it, and theBursar and The Bradder entered into the spirit of the thing with a zestwhich was splendid. There were also two or three more dons, who hadbeen undergrads of St. Cuthbert's, but who now belonged to othercolleges, and they seemed to know that there are times when it is wellto forget that you are a don. We entertained two members of each ofthe crews which we had bumped, and I cannot say that any of them seemedto be dispirited by their bad fortune. Indeed, as the evening went onthey became exceedingly lively, and some of them were inclined to sweareverlasting friendship with any one who liked demonstrations. 

After supper we had a lot of speeches, but it was impossible to hearmany of them, for everybody wanted to speak and no one to listen. Idid hear the opening sentence of one speech, "Gentlemen, I used to beable to row once, " but I heard no more, for the next words were drownedin loud cries of "Shame" and "No, no, " and the don who wished to tellus his personal reminiscences just stood and smiled at us. He had beenin the St. Cuthbert's boat when it had been head of the river and didnot mind anything. Before we left the hall there were two men speakingat once at our table, it was a great chance to practise oratory. Ihave never been at a more convivial supper, and since we had not beengiven an opportunity of celebrating anything for ages it is no wonderthat we made a tremendous noise. Some people may wag their heads atbump suppers and call them silly, or whatever they please, but theyhave forgotten the joy of living, and find their chief delight incriticizing the pleasures of those who are younger and happier thanthemselves. I suppose they are useful in their way, but thank goodnesstheir way is not mine. You can't expect an undergraduate to celebrateseven bumps by standing on the top of a mountain and watching asunrise, or by some equally peaceful enjoyment. He wants noise, and hegenerally manages to get it. I know that I was very pleased with thatevening and felt as if it had been well-spent, but when I tried todescribe it to Mrs. Faulkner, she shrugged her shoulders and said thatit was most childish, for she couldn't understand that it was very niceto let yourself go a little when there was a good reason for doing it. I believe she was one of those people who are ashamed of ever havingbeen children, and if she lived to be a hundred years old and kept allher faculties she would never understand what a peculiar mixture makesup life at Oxford. I did not tell her about the bonfire which we hadin the back quad after supper, because I am sure she would have thoughtthat either I was lying or that most of the men in St. Cuthbert's werea set of lunatics. 

Two or three dons, who could appreciate festivities, danced round thebonfire quite happily, and evidently enjoyed themselves. They werevery popular; too much so possibly for their own comfort, for one ofthem who was, except on especial occasions, a most prim and properperson, was seized by a man, who looked upon him as his very dearestfriend, and carried round the bonfire at galloping pace. After thatthe dons disappeared and we had a dance in the hall. I should thinkthe band must have been as keen on exercise as we were, for the musicgot faster and faster as the evening went on, and it was impossible tokeep time, but that did not matter. In our battels at the end of theweek we were all charged half-a-crown for refreshing the band, so thatthey could not have gone away hungry--or thirsty. 

An outburst of this kind is something more than a custom honoured bytime, for it clears the air and you can settle down afterwards quiteeasily. I had smuggled myself into the festivities which othercolleges had given, but I had never enjoyed myself half as much as Idid at our own. We had done something at last which was worth abonfire, and a bonfire with no one to dance round it has never yet beenlighted in an Oxford quad. 

The Bradder thought that our supper had gone off very well, although hehad seen one of his fellow-dons treated too affectionately, and hadrescued him. But he knew such things did not really mean anything, foryou can't expect men who have just come out of strict training tobehave quite like ordinary mortals. 

I wanted to fish during the Easter vac, but my vacs were beginning toget out of hand, for make what plans I would--and I made very pleasantones--somebody was always at work to upset them. I meant to take Fredhome with me and play cricket in a net if the weather was warm, andfish a little stream near us, but the Bishop had found something elsefor me to do, and my schemes came to nothing. At the end of the term Ionly went home for two days, and then had to start off on a tutorship. It is no use pretending that I went without vigorous protests. I saidthat I had never tutored anybody in my life, and was met by the answerthat everything had to have a beginning, which is such an appallingtruism that it ought never to be uttered. I then stated that I wassorry for the boy who had me as a tutor, though I meant, of course, that I was sorry for myself, and my mother replied that she should missme very much, but that she had talked the whole thing over with myfather, and they both thought the experience would be good for me. What could I say to that? Besides, it was too late to back out. Thepeople, I was told, were charming, and I was to take charge of a boyaged twelve, who was home from school because he had been havingmeasles. The boy was also charming, everybody and everything seemed tobe exactly right; but I thought I saw the Bishop peeping through allthese descriptions, and charming is a word which has no greatattractions for me, it is so comprehensive and can mean such amultitude of things. 

But as I had to go I went cheerfully, and I should not think that anyone ever started on a tutorship knowing less than I did about thepeople to whom I was going. My whole stock of knowledge consisted oftheir name, which was Leigh-Tompkinson, of the place where they lived, and of the fact that the boy had been ill. I had, however, no doubtthat I should be able to get on with them if they could only put upwith me; they were, I was assured, friends of the Bishop, and I did notthink that he would urge me to go to any people whom I should not like. 

When I arrived at the house I was shown into a drawing-room in whichthere were at least eight ladies and not a single man. My receptionwas almost effusive. Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson insisted that I was cold, tired, and dying of hunger, but I had only travelled forty miles, andthe day was warm. I wanted nothing except a sight of Mr. Leigh-Tompkinson, and I had an awful feeling that there was not such aman. It struck me suddenly that no one had ever spoken of him to me, and my courage decreased. 

"You would like to see Dick, " one lady said to me, and everybody askedwhere he was, and nobody knew or seemed to care very much. The desirefor him passed off as quickly as it had come, and in half-an-hour I wasplaying a four-handed game at billiards with Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson as apartner, and two ladies as our opponents. My partner played betterthan I did, and we won; we then played two other ladies, and in themiddle of the second game Dick came into the room. One glance at himtold me that he was all right, and I should have been very glad to goaway with him. He remarked to me at once that I was "at it" already, which told me a good deal. No one took any notice of him except totell him not to fidget, and as he was not fidgeting I thought he wasvery amiable to receive such unnecessary orders in silence. Beforedinner I was able to have a few minutes alone with him, and my fearsabout Mr. Leigh-Tompkinson were realized--he was dead. We also madesome plans for the next day, which were never carried out. In fact, try as I would for many days, and I adopted many artifices, I couldhardly ever spend more than an odd half-hour with him, there was alwayssomething which his mother thought much more important for me to do. The house was full of people, most of whom were ladies, though none ofthem were what I called young; but there were two men there all thetime, who were the mildest beings I have ever met. I don't thinkeither of them liked me, and I am sure I did not like them; theirwildest amusement was a little, a very little golf, and their chiefemployment was to make themselves generally useful. Everybody, withthe exception of Dick and me, seemed to be trying to be young again, itwas a most melancholy spectacle. For some time I could not understandhow Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson could be a friend of my uncle's, but at lasta Miss Bentham, who was always ready to talk, told me that thehouse-party were having their holidays before they went back to Londonfor the season. 

"In London my cousin has so much to do, " she continued. "Of course theseason is always fatiguing, but Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson makes it more soby her devotion to good works. "

I nearly laughed aloud, and thought of saying that if she would be alittle more devoted to her son she would not be wasting her time, but Isuppressed myself and asked to hear more about the good works. 

"She gives so much away, but then she's so rich, " Miss Bentham said. "She's devoted to your uncle, but then he's so handsome. Don't youthink so?"

"He's fifty, " I replied, without remembering to whom I was talking. 

"A woman is as old as she looks and a man as he feels, " she said, andlooked at me. 

I knew that I was expected to say that the Bishop must be about thirty, and that she could be scarcely twenty-five, but I really could not doit. The whole place made me feel absolutely unwell. 

"My uncle works hard and often feels tired, " I remarked after a moment. 

"You mustn't think we always enjoy ourselves like this. Here we arequite children again, so very refreshing, " but her interest in me hadgone. I had been given my opportunity and had not taken it. I shouldhave liked very much to see an interview between Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinsonin her "good works" mood and my uncle; it would have been a delightfulentertainment. But I am sure that he had never seen her when she wastaking her holidays, or I should have been left to play cricket andfish with Fred. 

In spite, however, of the facts that I was always trying to fulfil theduties which were supposed to account for my presence, and that I likedDick far better than any one else in the house, I was for some timemost popular with Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson. I was new, I suppose, forwhat other reason there could have been for my popularity I cannotimagine; but at any rate the reason is not worth guessing, for in abrief ten minutes I managed to fall completely out of favour. 

The way in which this happened was rather absurd, but it showed clearlyenough what an odd kind of woman Dick had for a mother. As a rule Ihad to play billiards after dinner, but one evening there was somebodystaying in the house who persuaded Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson to play roundgames, and when I went into the drawing-room I discovered thatpreparations had been made for this form of dissipation. Dick had beenallowed to come down to take part in them, and was walking round askingeverybody to begin at once; but my experience of round games is thatpeople are generally far more anxious to stop than to begin them. Eachperson wanted to play a different game, for by this means I ferventlybelieve that they imagined they would get out of playing any at all. Isat down while I had the chance, feeling sure that in a few minutes Ishould be asked to go outside the door and stay there. I thought thatI knew every game of the kind, and when Dick had at last got a fewpeople to look like beginning, I was asked if I knew "it. " I had noidea that "it" meant anything out of the ordinary, and I saidunblushingly that I did, whereupon Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson asked me totake the chair on her right hand. One of the mild men had alreadytaken up his position on this seat, and to my sorrow he was told tomove, though I had no idea that my position was in a peculiar way theplace of honour. A lady, who proclaimed many times that she had neverdone such a thing in her life, stood in the middle of the circle andasked questions, and from the confusing answers she received Idiscovered promptly that I did not know what game we were playing. Atlast she came to me and said, "Is it beautiful?" so as we were onlyallowed to say "Yes" or "No, " and the last answer had been "Yes, " Isaid "No. " I shall never forget the gasp which followed. Dick, I amashamed to say, gave way to merriment, but the rest of the peoplelooked at me as if I had committed a crime. It was not hard for me toguess that I ought to have said "Yes"; the agitation had even spread toMrs. Leigh-Tompkinson. The second question asked me was, "Is it old?"and this time I said "Yes, " with some fervour; but my answer againcaused consternation. Some one indeed declared that it was too hot forgames, and in a minute the circle was broken up. Then Dick told methat "it" was always the left-hand neighbour of the person who wasasked the question, and I saw that my answers, if true, had also beenunfortunate. 

Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson went into the billiard-room at once, and I amafraid that even an immediate explanation and apology would not havebeen considered compensation enough for making her ridiculous. Duringthe next two days Dick and I were left very much to ourselves, and thenI asked Miss Bentham, who was, I think, secretly pleased at my answers, to suggest that I should take him to the sea for the rest of hisholidays. This request was made in the morning, and we started duringthe afternoon of the same day, for I had sinned past forgiveness. Butunless I had played this game of "It" I should never have had time tomake friends with Dick, and he wanted a friend rather badly. He waslonely among a crowd of people, all of whom were ready to give himanything he asked for, except companionship. I started by being sorryfor him, and ended by liking him very much; he only wanted some one totake an interest in him, and that I was able to do quite easily. Aftermy tutorship was over Mrs. Leigh-Tompkinson wrote to me and hoped thatI should often be able to take him away with me, but she expressed nowish for me to stay with her again. 

At the beginning of my third summer term I was able to pay Fred themoney he had lent me. He protested, but I insisted, for he was Captainof the 'Varsity XI. , and was also so popular that during the next fewweeks he was bound to have plenty of opportunities for thinking ofanything but economy. Besides, this money had been at times a load onmy conscience. Economy, either practical or political, has never beena strong point of mine, but I often regretted that I had during myfirst two years bought a number of things which were more or lessuseless, because I was not compelled to pay for them at the moment. Mydifficulties were not overwhelming but they were a nuisance, until theBishop, who knew both Oxford and me by heart, solved them by giving mea birthday present. Every one, however, has not got a convenientuncle, and without his present I should, owing to the recklessness ofmy first two years, have been compelled to leave Oxford with billsunpaid, and the prospect of a stormy interview with my father in frontof me. I was so genuinely fond of Oxford, and there are so manypleasant things to do there, that I should have been very sorry toleave it with anything hanging over me. 

Fast bowlers, both good and bad, were scarce during the whole time Iwas up, and I was not altogether surprised when Fred chose me to playin the Seniors' Match. In that game I succeeded in getting a fewwickets, and soon afterwards I got my Harlequin cap, which pleased mehugely. I am sure that had I not been such an outrageously badbatsman, Fred would have liked to try me for the 'Varsity, but therehappened to be another man who did not bowl any worse than I did andwho batted much better. So I was left to bowl for the college, and Iwas not altogether sorry, for if Fred had yielded to his feelings andgiven me a trial a lot of men would have said it was a swindle. Thereare a number of people in Oxford who spend their time in looking outfor swindles, and of all things in the world they seem to be theeasiest to find. In Fred's case, however, I should have had a muchbetter chance of playing if I had not been one of his greatest friends, for he was the very last man to turn his eleven into a sort of familyparty. 

Our eight expected to make seven bumps, and succeeded in making five ofthem, with which Jack, who rowed six, pretended to be discontented. But we celebrated those five bumps all right, and altogether thecollege was a splendid place to live in. I stayed in bed much laterthan usual on the morning after our second celebration, and I supposeevery one else was sleepy, for I could hear Clarkson calling his boy alazy young vagabond, and that always happened when through otherpeople's laziness the unfortunate boy could not get on with his work. 

"Who is up?" Clarkson shouted. 

"Nobody, " the boy answered. 

"Then fetch Mr. Thornton's breakfast, " for Thornton had moved intorooms next to mine at the beginning of the term. 

"Mr. Thornton's in bed. "

Clarkson stamped heavily. "What the deuce does he mean by being inbed? Go and fetch his breakfast, and don't answer me when I give youorders. "

The boy hurried down the stairs, and I thought Thornton had acted veryunwisely in changing his rooms, for if Clarkson got hold of a man ofwhom he could take charge he was quite certain not to miss his chance. I knew one or two men who lived in greater fear of him than of any don, and I determined to advise Thornton not to be bullied. My efforts, however, were quite useless, for Thornton assured me that he liked ourscout and got a great deal of amusement from him. 

"Clarkson knows exactly what is best for himself and me, and he isalways clean, " he said. 

"He treats his boy abominably, " I replied. 

"I wonder what you would be like if you were a scout, " he said, and ashe obviously thought that I should only be remarkable for my failings, I gave up trying to talk to him. 

Thornton was a great puzzle to me, for his one desire was to be left tohimself, and apart from speaking at debates and belonging to variousliterary societies he never seemed to me to do anything. Murray alwayslost his temper with me when I said that Thornton was extraordinarilyodd, and declared that he was one of the cleverest men in the collegeand would probably be governing some colony when we had sunk out ofsight. 

In some moods Murray was not a cheerful companion, and I could not helptelling him that to be bullied by your scout is not a good preparationfor governing anything. And as a matter of fact Thornton becamegradually so very eccentric, that even Murray had to admit that if hewas a genius he was one who had lost his way. 

After our eight had been successful Jack Ward was very anxious thatthey should go to Henley, but both the Bursar, who had done more toimprove our rowing than anybody, and The Bradder wanted them to waitfor another year. 

"We shall have nearly the same eight next summer, and two or three goodfreshers are coming up, " The Bradder argued. 

"I shall be in the schools, " Jack replied sadly, and though The Bradderturned away suddenly I saw him smiling, for Jack's essays were some ofthe most comical things ever written. 

Anything which resembled style he said was unwholesome, and althoughMr. Grace talked to him like a parent and The Bradder tried persuasionand abuse, he stuck to his solid way of giving information. But heconfided in me that the reason was that he couldn't write a properessay to save his life. 

"All I want, " he exclaimed, "is a degree, and that's what these mendon't understand. Besides, I spell badly; it's a disease with me, andwhen you have got it, you may be able to think of a word, but you wouldbe a precious fool to use it when another man has to read what you havewritten. So my vocabulary gets limited, and I'm going to stick tofacts, and I shouldn't wonder if the examiners don't like them. Theyso seldom get them. "

I don't think he understood what a very great deal some of the historymen manage to know, but, at any rate, his way of tackling the examinerswas novel, and considering the disease from which he was suffering, perhaps it was also the best he could choose. So he went on learningthings by heart, and put up long lists of things on his looking-glass, or any place where he was likely to see them. I saw the extraordinaryword "Brom" pinned on to a photograph of Collier, and found out that itstood for Blenheim, Ramillies, Oudenarde and Malplaquet. 

"I can't help thinking that Marlborough finished off with Blenheim, because it is the sort of battle any one who is not even readinghistory has heard of, " he explained, "and I have to get that idea outof my head. You will find all sorts of funny words stuck about theplace. I've got 'Kajakk' pinned on to a lobelia in my flower-box, because I am always leaving out Anne of Cleves; she never seemed tohave a chance, and you must have the man's wives all right. "

"Do you think they matter much?" I asked. 

"Of course they do. They are guide-posts to the reign, but they woulddo much better if half of them were not Katharines. "

I suggested that he should call one of them Kate and another Kathleento avoid confusion, but he said that "Kajakk" would pull him throughall right, and that if there was any question about Henry VIII. He didnot mean to miss is. I am certain that had he been given anopportunity, the examiners would have had a correct list of theseladies, with a brief note attached to explain why there were so many ofthem. 

Soon after the Eights were over, I heard that The Bradder had invitedmy people to come up at the end of the term, and as I had never stayedup for "Commem, " I wrote back cheerfully, and said we would enjoyourselves. This letter, however, was answered by my father at once, and my plans were again thrown into confusion. "I want you to leavefor Germany when term is over. To get even a smattering of thelanguage you must be there nearly three months, and, unless you goimmediately, you will miss all the shooting. I want you to know threemodern languages well enough to get into the Foreign Office without anydifficulty. " This was the beginning of the longest letter I had everhad from him, and in many ways the nicest, but I cannot say that Iwanted to spend my summer with a German family, and after consultingFred, I went to The Bradder to see if he would not help me to stay inEngland. 

"I can't read history and learn German at the same time, " I said tohim, "and all my work will be wasted unless I do some this vac. "

"Your father has evidently made up his mind, " he said, but I think thathe must have been sorry for me. 

"You write and tell him that I shall forget all I have been doing. Hewill listen to you. "

"German is very valuable to you. "

"So is history. How can I be expected to work next year when I ampacked off every summer to live with a lot of people who don't want me?I get no fun. "

"You will like it when you get there, and for this summer you canmanage to do enough history to keep up what you know. I will help youas much as I can. "

"Why can't I be allowed for once to like a thing in the place where Iwant to like it?" I asked, and I nearly told him that environment waseverything, but he did not like those profound statements any betterthan I did. I only saw The Bradder really nasty to one man, and he hadbeen fool enough to say that the reason why he cut his lectures wasbecause the whole atmosphere of Oxford was against work, which reallywas a sickening sort of excuse. 

My attempts to get help from The Bradder failed, and as soon as I hadworked myself up into a rage he began to laugh. 

So after one night at home I started to Germany and my people went toOxford for "Commem" on the same day, which was a most topsy-turvy stateof things. Nina promised to write to me, but I did not expect anythingfrom her except postcards. I was, however, mistaken, for she wrote mea kind of "Oxford day by day, " which I, struggling with a strangelanguage in a strange land, was very glad to have. I don't knowwhether The Bradder taught her to refer to the Vice-Chancellor as the"Vice-Chuggins, " but in her description of the Encænia that mostimportant gentleman was certainly not mentioned with the respect whichI consider that people, who don't belong to Oxford, ought to feel forhim. In fact Nina succeeded in catching the Oxford language so badlythat she told me that my father had been having "indijuggers, " and I amsure that he would have had a worse attack if he had known what Ninacalled it. I am sorry to say that she treated the Encænia in a verylight and airy way, though some most mightily distinguished men werereceiving honorary degrees at the function. 

"I like the Sheldonian because it is so round, " she wrote to me, "but Iwas not impressed by the Encænia. The area of the theatre was reservedfor the dons, who wore what I believe you call academic dress, but theydid not look as if they had room enough to be comfortable. I sat in agallery with a lot of people, and there was a man, who somebody told mewas a Pro-proctor--at any rate he wore robes and looked, I thought, rather nice--to keep order. You do mix up things queerly at Oxford;some of the jokes which were made were really not very funny, andmother was afraid that some one might be offended. She was quitenervous. I liked the Public Orator, who seemed to me to be introducingthe people who were to receive honorary degrees to the Vice-Chuggins, and I was sorry for the University prizemen, who wore evening dress andhad to read out their prize poems and things. I couldn't hear a wordthe Public Orator said, but perhaps that was because I had a man nearme who made jokes all the time and a bevy of relatives kept up a chorusof giggles. Mr. Bradfield had to go to luncheon afterwards at AllSouls. I met Mr. Ward in the Turl yesterday; he was only up for two orthree hours, and I thought he said he was going to coach. I am sure hesaid something about coaching, and as I remembered how fond he was ofhorses I thought he was going for a driving tour. But it turned outthat he was going to read with somebody; very silly of me. Do youremember when he jumped into the 'Cher'? It seems ages ago. Mr. Bradfield punts splendidly, we all like him very much, and father hasdined with the Warden, who had toothache and hardly spoke all theevening. Most unfortunate. We are going to the 'Varsity match, andMr. Bradfield says that Fred is the best bat and captain you have hadfor ages. I believe mother nearly fainted with delight when she heardthis. Mr. Bradfield dances as well as you do. "

The next letter Nina wrote was full of The Bradder's perfections, butin the following one he was scarcely mentioned, and my mother, who hadnever seen Oxford in June, was so delighted with everything that shedid not tell me much about anybody. Still I could not help wonderingwhat had happened, for Nina was not usually reticent without a reason. 

CHAPTER XXIII

OUR LAST YEAR

Fred did not have the satisfaction of seeing his eleven beat Cambridge, but there had not been such a close finish in a 'Varsity match fornearly twenty years, and Nina said the excitement was really painful. "I was quite glad when it was over, " she wrote to me. "Mother neverspoke for quite half-an-hour, and Mr. Bradfield nearly ruined his hatby constantly taking it off and putting it on again. I warned him thathe was spoiling it, but he said that such a finish was worth a hat. And we lost in the end; a big Cambridge man hit a four and father saidawful things at the top of his voice. Somehow or other that seemed torelieve everybody. There was only one other Cambridge man to come in, and if the big man had been bowled instead of hitting a four it wouldhave been splendid. We waited for Fred afterwards and saw him for aminute. He said that the big man had been the best cricketer atCambridge for four years, and now that he was going down Oxford oughtreally to win next year. Fred was very disappointed, but he told usthat this man was a thoroughly good sort, which annoyed me because Ifelt as if he must be perfectly horrid. "

If my people could be excited at a cricket match I knew that I hadmissed something worth seeing, but when I tried to talk about the'Varsity match to the only member of my German family who spokeEnglish, she thought I was explaining lawn tennis to her. I felt verysad indeed, and had to go for a long bicycle ride to shake off avigorous attack of the blues. 

I suppose those months in Germany must have been useful to me, yet inspite of a great amount of kindness I was very glad when they wereover. I learned a great deal, I honestly believe, for I often went toa restaurant and talked politics with three professors, and that is nomean feat even if you do it in your own language. For some reasonwhich I have never been able to understand, these men were very pleasedwith me; possibly they liked me because I never agreed with anythingthey said. I asked them to come and see us if they were ever inEngland, an invitation given out of joy in wishing them good-bye. Theprospect of leaving the German language made me very liberal in the wayof invitations to those who spoke it, and if all the people whom Iasked had happened to come at the same time, they would have caused aconsiderable sensation in our small household. There were, however, dangers in plunging me into foreign families which my father did notdiscover; for I like everybody so much, when I am leaving them, that Ifeel certain that they are the nicest people in the world. I had notbeen at home for a day before I found out that something very like amystery had attached itself to The Bradder, so I went to my mother andasked her what had happened. 

"I meant to tell you, " she answered. "My dear, he wants to marry Nina, we were quite astonished. " I did not think Nina would have cared tohear that. "He was here for a fortnight, but we never suspectedanything, Nina is so very young. It only happened a week ago. "

"Are they engaged?"

"No, we thought it best that there should be no engagement for at leasta year. I hope we decided right, for I must have time to think aboutNina being the wife of a don. I think they are very much in love withone another. "

"Nina is not so very young. "

"Very young to be the wife of a don, " my mother replied, and I believethat she thought such a lady, to be suitable, ought to have numbered atleast forty years. 

"The Bradder would have to go out of college if he married, " I said;"we shan't get such another man in a hurry, " but my mother did notthink this as important as I did. 

When I talked to Nina about this new state of things she was verydisappointed to find that I was not surprised. She seemed to thinkthat I was depriving her of something due to her, but her letters hadmade me think that something startling was going to happen, and I wasprepared for almost anything. 

"Our engagement is not to be announced for a year, " Nina said. 

"I thought there wasn't any engagement, " I answered. 

"There isn't, until it is announced, but we have quite made up ourminds, " and then she took my arm and I listened to a glorification ofThe Bradder. "He is very fond of you, " it finished up, and that is allI can remember of it. 

"I am glad of that, as he is my tutor and is going to be mybrother-in-law, " I said. 

"You don't seem to see how happy I am, " Nina answered. "I wanted totelegraph to you at once. "

"I am most tremendously glad you are happy. The Bradder's a splendidman, " I said, and added, "I should like to tell Fred directly he comesnext week. "

"Yes, tell him, " she replied, "but he won't mind; perhaps I oughtn't tosay that, but I know that you think he will. Fred's a dear, he's justlike another brother. "

"For pity's sake don't say that to him, " I exclaimed. 

"Of course I shan't say anything to him, but he will understand allright, " and I gathered that if he could not understand it was my dutyto make him, which, considering how peculiarly he had behaved to Jack, I did not expect to be an easy matter. But there was a differencebetween Fred and Nina, for he seemed to fall out of love as he grewolder, while she fell in. I don't know enough about such things to saywhether he was ever actually in the state called "in love, " but I doknow that he was inclined to regard Nina with a jealous eye, and that Isuffered many unpleasant moments in consequence. So I drove down tothe station to meet him and intended to break the news to him gently, but we had such a lot of other things to talk about that I had notmentioned Nina, except to say that she was well, when we met her in thedrive. Fred got out of the dog-cart to speak to her, and I, havingtotally neglected my mission, was wise enough to disappear for an hour. 

In that time he must have found out what had happened, for when we wereleft alone in the smoking-room after dinner and I was wondering whetherI had better begin the gentle process, which I was sure I should muddlehopelessly, he said, "It will take me some time to get used to the ideaof Nina marrying a don. "

"I meant to tell you as we drove down, but I forgot clean all aboutit, " I answered. 

"Bradfield's a good sort, isn't he? It would be a most vile shame ifhe isn't. "

"He's a splendid chap. "

"I saw him with Nina at Lord's, and I got a kind of idea into my headthen. He looks all right anyhow. "

"He is all right. "

Fred sat and smoked for ages without saying a word, which made meuneasy. 

"Don't you feel horribly old?" he said to me at last. "This is a kindof end to all the good time we have had here. I mean that everythingwill be different; I can't imagine Nina being married. "

"She won't be for ages, and when she is it will be just the same, " Ianswered. "The Bradder's the best sort in the world, except you. Let's go to bed, we have to shoot to-morrow. "

I stayed in Fred's room, however, for a long time, and I expect some ofthe things we said would have amused those who can jump without regretfrom one state of things to another. But all the same this talk did usgood, for we finished off the subject of Nina's engagement at onesitting, and Fred pleased me by saying that he must have been a fool tohate Jack Ward so violently. That told me all I wanted to know, andthough he was not in very good spirits for a day or two he soonrecovered, and I believe that Nina and he enjoyed themselves more thanthey ever had since they began to wonder whether they were grown up ornot. 

Before going back to Oxford Fred and I went to stay with Mr. Sandyman, our old house-master at Cliborough. I had been to Cliborough severaltimes since I left school, but my first visits made me feel almost sad. The glory of being a blue, and I could not help feeling it, was notenough compensation for the way in which I seemed to have entirelydropped out of things. I loved Cliborough, and when you are fond ofplaces or people it is horrid to see that they can get on quite wellwithout you. You may not be forgotten, but you must necessarily ceaseto count for much, and it was not until I went back after having leftfor three years that I was quite happy there. Our feelings--for Fredfelt as I did--may have been wrong, but no one would have them who wasnot fond of their school and who did not in some way or other wish tobe worthy of it. Sandy was as nice to us as possible, and it was quitefunny to see what a hero Fred was thought to be by some of the fellowsin our house. I think I was regarded as a hero more or less decayed, but Fred nearly reinstated me by saying that I was the fastest bowlerhe had ever played against, and by forgetting to add further details. 

We went back to Oxford from Cliborough, and during my last year I sawmore of Fred than ever, for in nearly every college men in their fourthyear have to go into lodgings, and Jack and I took rooms in the samehouse in the High as Fred and Henderson. Fred was President ofVincent's, Henderson was to be captain of the 'Varsity XI. , and Jackwas immediately put into one of the trial Eights and finally, rowed sixin the winning boat. The shadow of approaching examinations was overall of us except Henderson, who was not reading for Honours, and hadnothing but two papers on political economy between him and a degree. But I should not think any four men ever got on together better than wedid, and the mere sight of Jack was enough to make any one feelcheerful. He had fairly and squarely found himself at last, andwhether he was sitting in front of piles of books or getting up andgoing to bed at strange times because he was in training, he was anendless delight to all of us. His methods of reading history made Fredlaugh so much that I thought he might possibly abandon them, butnothing would persuade him that his road to a degree was not the safesthe could take. On one subject Jack only opened his heart to me. Hehad set his mind on getting into the 'Varsity Eight, and his keennesswas terrific. I assured him time after time that he must have asplendid chance of his blue, but I don't believe that the mere fact ofgetting his blue meant very much to him. He wanted to show his peopleand his college that he could really do something. 

"If I could only get into the 'Varsity boat I should have donesomething, " he said to me, "because I'm not a natural oar. I have tolearn it all, and it's frightfully hard work remembering all you'retold. Some of you men think a fellow who rows is just a machine, butit's not so easy to become a good machine. "

To Fred and Henderson he hardly ever mentioned the river, but they knewhow desperately keen he was, and when he was tried in the 'Varsity boatat four, during the beginning of the Lent Term, we all hoped mostvigorously that he would keep his place. For nearly a fortnight thesame crew rowed every day, but neither the President nor the Secretaryhad yet taken their places, and I was in a state of terror that Jackwould have to go when they went into the boat. The Secretary, however, took his place and Jack remained where he was, and a few daysafterwards the President went in at seven, seven went to three, and oneunfortunate man disappeared. Then we openly rejoiced, and at thebeginning of Lent Jack was told to go into training. We had a mildcelebration on the evening of Shrove Tuesday, and Bunny Langham, whohad been President of the Union and had developed a habit of makingvery long speeches, for which he apologized by saying that he believedin heredity, came round and helped to make a noise. Whenever he gotthe ghost of an opportunity he began to congratulate Jack, and herequired a very great deal of suppressing. 

For a whole week Jack rowed in the boat, and then he had a suddenattack of influenza. Somehow or other I had never thought it possiblethat he could be ill, and I have never seen any one hurry up so much toget well again. In ten days he was nearly all right, but when he wasput back into the boat he said he felt miserably weak, and I think hewent to work to prepare himself for a disappointment. At any rate whenit came Jack took his luck like a hero, for hardly anything morecrushing could have happened to him just then. I must say that thePresident was as kind about it as any man could be; he knew what itmeant to Jack, and his sympathy was very real. But Jack himselfsurprised all of us, he seemed to throw the whole thing behind him, andI never heard him complain of anything except his wretched illness. 

"I shall be fit next term, " he said, "and if we get our boat near thehead of the river again it won't be so bad after all. "

My last year in rooms with Fred, Jack and Henderson was the best offour good years at Oxford. Everything, except Jack's luck, was soexactly right, and I was most delightfully happy. The college wasdoing as well as we could want, and most of the dons, led I am certainby The Bradder, behaved splendidly. The Freshers' Wine became anorganized institution and ceased to be a sort of "hole and corner"entertainment, at which every one made a most horrible noise becausethey ought not to have made any at all. In my spare time, and I hadnot much, I caught myself regretting that I had ever been stupid enoughto carry on long battles with Mr. Edwardes, it seemed to me that Imight have been more peaceful, but the fact remains that he and I werenot made for each other. 

Until the time began to grow near for me to go down from Oxford I neverfelt as strong an affection for the 'Varsity as I had for Cliborough. I think the reason was that Oxford is such a huge place, that it tookme some time to realize how splendid it is. I missed the feeling ofunity which there was at Cliborough, and I supplied my loss by goingfuriously to work in trying to make the college less slack. CertainlySt. Cuthbert's, owing more to Jack's efforts than mine, had changedvery much, but in setting our minds absolutely on one thing for twoyears we had missed a lot, even if we had been successful in what wewanted to do. Our last year, however, made up for everything, and whenwe came back for the summer term examinations had lost their horrors, and the only thing I regretted was that in eight short weeks my time atOxford would be over. 

The Bradder, who watched over me like a prospective brother-in-law, encouraged me to think that I should not do very badly in the"schools, " but I think he was rather agitated when Henderson chose meto play for the 'Varsity against the Gentlemen of England, and in avery bad light I got more wickets than I ever expected to get in afirst-class match. That performance gave me a good start in the'Varsity XI. , and The Bradder was desperately afraid that I should stopreading altogether. But Fred and Jack were both hard at work, andexcept on one evening a week Henderson had to go into a separate roomwhen he wanted to entertain his numerous friends. Jack rowed in ourEight, and they went up to fourth. They would have been second if theyhad been lucky, but as it was they intended to go to Henley. 

I think that I was fortunate in having to struggle for my blue duringmy last term, for this gave me so much to think about that I escapedsome of the feelings which Fred had about leaving Oxford. I felt thatI was by no means ready to go, but I was also desperately eager to getinto the XI. , and that I knew would not be decided until the term wasover. One leaves Oxford slowly, if I may express it so; you have tocome back for a _vivâ voce_, and then for your degree; there is noabrupt break as there is at school, and the fact that I was playing forthe 'Varsity after the term was over, helped me more than it did Fred, who had played in the XI. For three years. Nearly every Sundayafternoon during May and June, Fred and I quite solemnly went out for awalk together, and we nearly always found ourselves by the river. Ibelieve this was because we were never tired of looking at Corpus andMerton from the Christchurch meadows. There is no view so keenlyrooted in my memory as this, nor one which I am so glad to look uponagain. I don't care in the least whether it is the most beautiful inOxford or not, for it means something to me, and you can ask no morefrom a view than that. I can never look at it without remembering manythings which were all of them very pleasant, and Oxford is the place tobuild up memories. 

The term slipped by far too fast, and we found ourselves plunged intothe schools. For once in my life I should have been glad not to seethe sun, but the week during which we had to put on paper the resultsof over two years' work was most cruelly hot, and all of us were gladwhen it was over. It is no use guessing how you have done in honourschools, for those who think they have got a first are too oftensurprised when the lists come out, and unless you are going to guesssomething nice, it is much better to leave it alone altogether. Withone consent Fred, Jack and I refused to talk about our chances, and setout to enjoy the few days which remained to us without being harrowedby doubts and fears. I did, however, have secret dips into a politicaleconomy book, for I thought if the examiners shared my opinion theywould wonder how little of this subject I knew. I couldn't keep awayfrom the wretched thing, try as I would, and was always reading "AdamSmith" and "Walker" at odd moments. I think my nerves must have beenupset. 

Directly after the schools were over, Jack and I had to go to a dinnerwhich Murray got up. I was ready to go to anything, but I had no ideathat this was a sort of entertainment organized in honour of us until Igot to it. The Bradder took the chair, and I am sure that I tried tofeel grateful to Murray, but if you don't care much about being set ona small pedestal it is very hard to pretend that you do. I did, however, enjoy that dinner because every one was so very cheerful, andI made a speech which lasted--counting the applause--nearly tenminutes. The Bradder spoke more about Jack than me, which was verythoughtful of him, and Jack told me afterwards that this evening almostmade up for having missed his blue. The things which were said abouthim took him most completely by surprise, and the fact that he wasreally appreciated and that the college owed something to him, sent himoff to Henley a happier man than he had ever been in his life. 

My place in the eleven was in doubt until the last game before the'Varsity match, and then I bowled one of the best batsmen in England--Imust add off his pads--and got three men caught in the slips. Henderson gave me my blue in the pavilion at Lord's and simply bangedme on the back as he did it, a very unorthodox and pleasant ending towhat had been a great anxiety. Fred, too, was most uproariouslydelighted, and I should think that some of the people, who seem tothink that the pavilion at Lord's is a kind of cathedral, must havedecided that the Oxford XI. Had suddenly gone mad. But I disentangledmyself after a time from men who wanted to congratulate me, and startedsending telegrams. I was guilty at that moment of trying to think ofpeople to whom I could telegraph with decency, but I had wanted to playagainst Cambridge very much. We had been beaten in all the last threematches, and as Fred had never really played well at Lord's, I thinksome men were inclined to say that he was not anything like as good acricketer as he was supposed to be. But in this match he settled thatquestion once and for ever. We went in first and started terribly, Henderson was caught at the wicket, and another man was bowled beforewe had made a run. I could not have smiled at the best joke in theworld. Then Fred and a left-hander got well set, and before we hadfinished our total was over 350. Fred never gave a chance until he hadmade well over a hundred, and though some men told me that he was outl. B. W. At least four times, there are always plenty of people who thinkthat they know more than the umpires. 

The Cambridge men failed in the first innings, and I only bowled sixovers, which annoyed my mother and Nina, because they said that I wasthere to bowl. But after Cambridge went in again they played an uphillgame most splendidly, and my people had plenty of opportunity to see mebowl. I got four men out, and Henderson was very pleased with me, butI was not a first-class bowler, though I tried hard to look like one. We had nearly two hundred runs to win, and I confess that I was afraidthat I might have to go in when there were two or three runs stillwanted. In the first innings my efforts as a batsman had been briefand glorious, I had received three balls, two of which I had hit to theboundary and the third I meant to go to the same place, only somebodycaught it. I hoped sincerely that my part in the 'Varsity match wasover, but whenever a wicket fell I had a very bad moment. I did not, however, have to make that long journey from the pavilion to thewickets again, for Henderson, who kept himself back in the secondinnings, played beautifully, and we won with some wickets in hand. Idon't want to forget the wholesome thrill which I had when Hendersonmade the winning stroke, and I am quite certain that I never shallforget it. 

My father and mother, too, were pleased, and I was very glad to seetheir delight, for I thought that I might have added more to theiranxiety than to their pleasure during the last four years. 

In July both Fred and Jack came to stay with me, because in a few weeksI had to start on one of my journeys in search of a language which Idid not know. I wanted Jack to be with us when the History List cameout, in case anything disastrous should happen. But Jack had filledhimself so full of facts that when the telegram from the Clerk of theSchools came he was delighted to find that he had got a third, and hedeclared that I must be a genius to have got a second, but that wasonly his way of expressing his surprise. The Greats' List was atriumph for St. Cuthbert's, Murray and five other men getting firsts. Fred got a second, and considering that he had been playing footer andcricket for the 'Varsity so much, everybody thought that he had donemost thoroughly well. Cliborough was so satisfied with him that he wasoffered a mastership at once, which was a stroke of luck both for Fredand the school. 

Nothing remained for us to do except to take our degrees, and wearranged with Henderson that we should go back together once more andtake them at the same time. I think that we clung to that expeditionas our last remaining link with the 'Varsity. But there is a link, which those who learn to love Oxford, as Fred, Jack and I loved her, cannot break; it is the debt which we owe to her, for we shall never beable to repay it in full. 

THE END

 RICHARD CLAY & SONS, LIMITED, BREAD STREET HILL, E. C. , AND BUNGAY, SUFFOLK. 

By the same author

GODFREY MARTEN: SCHOOLBOY

WITH EIGHT ILLUSTRATIONS BY GORDON BROWNE

_In one vol. , cloth, gilt edges, price 5s. _

Some Press Opinions

The Spectator:--"The book is extremely good reading from end to end; itabounds in entertaining and exciting episodes, is wholly void ofsentimentality, and enforces in the most unmistakable and wholesome waythe duty of straight and manly conduct. "

The Standard:--"Boys will be delighted with this faithful record ofpublic school life. It shows up without the smallest priggishness, orthe least hint of lecturing or sermonising, that side of the Englishpublic school of which we are so proud--the fine, broad standard of agentleman that the well-bred boy sets up for himself. "

The Daily Telegraph:--"_Godfrey Marten, Schoolboy_, may rank with thevery small number of books which treat successfully of boy-life. .. . Itis a bright, stirring story, and should find a hearty welcome. "

Morning Post:--"_Godfrey Marten_ will rejoice the heart of many a lad. Mr. Turley knows boys and writes lovingly of them. His story isvivacious, the heroes are real live ones, the style is racy and true toreality in its descriptions of masters, boys and sports, and even inits use of school slang, the book throughout is clean, wholesome andmanly. "

The Times:--"Returning to Mr. Turley's book after a year's interval weare more than ever taken by its quiet, unassuming merits and a certaininsidious charm. Thinking over other school books we can recallnothing nearer to boy nature than this, nor any that has greaterinterest as a story. "

The Guardian:--"The book is a wholesome one; the boys are gentlemen, the games are described with spirit, and some of the difficulties ofpublic school life are treated in a healthy and helpful way. Moreoverit is written for boys rather than about them, and the author succeedsin looking at things from a boy's point of view. "

LONDON: WILLIAM HEINEMANN, 21, Bedford Street, W. C.