MASTER FRANCIS RABELAIS

FIVE BOOKS OF THE LIVES, HEROIC DEEDS AND SAYINGS OF

GARGANTUA AND HIS SON PANTAGRUEL

Book IV. 

Translated into English by

Sir Thomas Urquhart of Cromarty

and

Peter Antony Motteux

The text of the first Two Books of Rabelais has been reprinted from thefirst edition (1653) of Urquhart's translation. Footnotes initialled 'M. 'are drawn from the Maitland Club edition (1838); other footnotes are by thetranslator. Urquhart's translation of Book III. Appeared posthumously in1693, with a new edition of Books I. And II. , under Motteux's editorship. Motteux's rendering of Books IV. And V. Followed in 1708. Occasionally (asthe footnotes indicate) passages omitted by Motteux have been restored fromthe 1738 copy edited by Ozell. 

THE FOURTH BOOK

The Translator's Preface. 

Reader, --I don't know what kind of a preface I must write to find theecourteous, an epithet too often bestowed without a cause. The author ofthis work has been as sparing of what we call good nature, as most readersare nowadays. So I am afraid his translator and commentator is not toexpect much more than has been showed them. What's worse, there are buttwo sorts of taking prefaces, as there are but two kinds of prologues toplays; for Mr. Bays was doubtless in the right when he said that if thunderand lightning could not fright an audience into complaisance, the sight ofthe poet with a rope about his neck might work them into pity. Some, indeed, have bullied many of you into applause, and railed at your faultsthat you might think them without any; and others, more safely, have spokenkindly of you, that you might think, or at least speak, as favourably ofthem, and be flattered into patience. Now, I fancy, there's nothing lessdifficult to attempt than the first method; for, in this blessed age, 'tisas easy to find a bully without courage, as a whore without beauty, or awriter without wit; though those qualifications are so necessary in theirrespective professions. The mischief is, that you seldom allow any to railbesides yourselves, and cannot bear a pride which shocks your own. As forwheedling you into a liking of a work, I must confess it seems the safestway; but though flattery pleases you well when it is particular, you hateit, as little concerning you, when it is general. Then we knights of thequill are a stiff-necked generation, who as seldom care to seem to doubtthe worth of our writings, and their being liked, as we love to flattermore than one at a time; and had rather draw our pens, and stand up for thebeauty of our works (as some arrant fools use to do for that of theirmistresses) to the last drop of our ink. And truly this submission, whichsometimes wheedles you into pity, as seldom decoys you into love, as theawkward cringing of an antiquated fop, as moneyless as he is ugly, affectsan experienced fair one. Now we as little value your pity as a lover hismistress's, well satisfied that it is only a less uncivil way of dismissingus. But what if neither of these two ways will work upon you, of whichdoleful truth some of our playwrights stand so many living monuments? Why, then, truly I think on no other way at present but blending the two intoone; and, from this marriage of huffing and cringing, there will result anew kind of careless medley, which, perhaps, will work upon both sorts ofreaders, those who are to be hectored, and those whom we must creep to. Atleast, it is like to please by its novelty; and it will not be the firstmonster that has pleased you when regular nature could not do it. 

If uncommon worth, lively wit, and deep learning, wove into wholesomesatire, a bold, good, and vast design admirably pursued, truth set out inits true light, and a method how to arrive to its oracle, can recommend awork, I am sure this has enough to please any reasonable man. The threebooks published some time since, which are in a manner an entire work, werekindly received; yet, in the French, they come far short of these two, which are also entire pieces; for the satire is all general here, much moreobvious, and consequently more entertaining. Even my long explanatorypreface was not thought improper. Though I was so far from being allowedtime to make it methodical, that at first only a few pages were intended;yet as fast as they were printed I wrote on, till it proved at last likeone of those towns built little at first, then enlarged, where you seepromiscuously an odd variety of all sorts of irregular buildings. I hopethe remarks I give now will not please less; for, as I have translated thework which they explain, I had more time to make them, though as little towrite them. It would be needless to give here a large account of myperformance; for, after all, you readers care no more for this or thatapology, or pretence of Mr. Translator, if the version does not please you, than we do for a blundering cook's excuse after he has spoiled a good dishin the dressing. Nor can the first pretend to much praise, besides that ofgiving his author's sense in its full extent, and copying his style, if itis to be copied; since he has no share in the invention or disposition ofwhat he translates. Yet there was no small difficulty in doing Rabelaisjustice in that double respect; the obsolete words and turns of phrase, anddark subjects, often as darkly treated, make the sense hard to beunderstood even by a Frenchman, and it cannot be easy to give it the freeeasy air of an original; for even what seems most common talk in onelanguage, is what is often the most difficult to be made so in another; andHorace's thoughts of comedy may be well applied to this:

 Creditur, ex medio quia res arcessit, habere Sudoris minimum; sed habet commoedia tantum Plus oneris, quanto veniae minus. 

Far be it from me, for all this, to value myself upon hitting the words ofcant in which my drolling author is so luxuriant; for though such wordshave stood me in good stead, I scarce can forbear thinking myself unhappyin having insensibly hoarded up so much gibberish and Billingsgate trash inmy memory; nor could I forbear asking of myself, as an Italian cardinalsaid on another account, D'onde hai tu pigliato tante coglionerie? Wherethe devil didst thou rake up all these fripperies?

It was not less difficult to come up to the author's sublime expressions. Nor would I have attempted such a task, but that I was ambitious of givinga view of the most valuable work of the greatest genius of his age, to theMecaenas and best genius of this. For I am not overfond of so ungrateful atask as translating, and would rejoice to see less versions and moreoriginals; so the latter were not as bad as many of the first are, throughwant of encouragement. Some indeed have deservedly gained esteem bytranslating; yet not many condescend to translate, but such as cannotinvent; though to do the first well requires often as much genius as to dothe latter. 

I wish, reader, thou mayest be as willing to do my author justice, as Ihave strove to do him right. Yet, if thou art a brother of the quill, itis ten to one thou art too much in love with thy own dear productions toadmire those of one of thy trade. However, I know three or four who havenot such a mighty opinion of themselves; but I'll not name them, lest Ishould be obliged to place myself among them. If thou art one of thosewho, though they never write, criticise everyone that does; avaunt!--Thouart a professed enemy of mankind and of thyself, who wilt never be pleasednor let anybody be so, and knowest no better way to fame than by strivingto lessen that of others; though wouldst thou write thou mightst be soonknown, even by the butterwomen, and fly through the world in bandboxes. Ifthou art of the dissembling tribe, it is thy office to rail at those bookswhich thou huggest in a corner. If thou art one of those eavesdroppers, who would have their moroseness be counted gravity, thou wilt condemn amirth which thou art past relishing; and I know no other way to quit thescore than by writing (as like enough I may) something as dull, or dullerthan thyself, if possible. If thou art one of those critics in dressing, those extempores of fortune, who, having lost a relation and got an estate, in an instant set up for wit and every extravagance, thou'lt either praiseor discommend this book, according to the dictates of some less foolishthan thyself, perhaps of one of those who, being lodged at the sign of thebox and dice, will know better things than to recommend to thee a workwhich bids thee beware of his tricks. This book might teach thee to leavethy follies; but some will say it does not signify much to some foolswhether they are so or not; for when was there a fool that thought himselfone? If thou art one of those who would put themselves upon us for learnedmen in Greek and Hebrew, yet are mere blockheads in English, and patchtogether old pieces of the ancients to get themselves clothes out of them, thou art too severely mauled in this work to like it. Who then will? somewill cry. Nay, besides these, many societies that make a great figure inthe world are reflected on in this book; which caused Rabelais to study tobe dark, and even bedaub it with many loose expressions, that he might notbe thought to have any other design than to droll; in a manner bewrayinghis book that his enemies might not bite it. Truly, though now the riddleis expounded, I would advise those who read it not to reflect on theauthor, lest he be thought to have been beforehand with them, and they beranked among those who have nothing to show for their honesty but theirmoney, nothing for their religion but their dissembling, or a fat benefice, nothing for their wit but their dressing, for their nobility but theirtitle, for their gentility but their sword, for their courage but theirhuffing, for their preferment but their assurance, for their learning buttheir degrees, or for their gravity but their wrinkles or dulness. Theyhad better laugh at one another here, as it is the custom of the world. Laughing is of all professions; the miser may hoard, the spendthriftsquander, the politician plot, the lawyer wrangle, and the gamester cheat;still their main design is to be able to laugh at one another; and herethey may do it at a cheap and easy rate. After all, should this work failto please the greater number of readers, I am sure it cannot miss beingliked by those who are for witty mirth and a chirping bottle; though not bythose solid sots who seem to have drudged all their youth long only thatthey might enjoy the sweet blessing of getting drunk every night in theirold age. But those men of sense and honour who love truth and the good ofmankind in general above all other things will undoubtedly countenance thiswork. I will not gravely insist upon its usefulness, having said enough ofit in the preface (Motteux' Preface to vol. I of Rabelais, ed. 1694. ) tothe first part. I will only add, that as Homer in his Odyssey makes hishero wander ten years through most parts of the then known world, soRabelais, in a three months' voyage, makes Pantagruel take a view of almostall sorts of people and professions; with this difference, however, betweenthe ancient mythologist and the modern, that while the Odyssey has beencompared to a setting sun in respect to the Iliads, Rabelais' last work, which is this Voyage to the Oracle of the Bottle (by which he means truth)is justly thought his masterpiece, being wrote with more spirit, salt, andflame, than the first part of his works. At near seventy years of age, hisgenius, far from being drained, seemed to have acquired fresh vigour andnew graces the more it exerted itself; like those rivers which grow moredeep, large, majestic, and useful by their course. Those who accuse theFrench of being as sparing of their wit as lavish of their words will findan Englishman in our author. I must confess indeed that my countrymen andother southern nations temper the one with the other in a manner as they dotheir wine with water, often just dashing the latter with a little of thefirst. Now here men love to drink their wine pure; nay, sometimes it willnot satisfy unless in its very quintessence, as in brandies; though anexcess of this betrays want of sobriety, as much as an excess of witbetrays a want of judgment. But I must conclude, lest I be justly taxedwith wanting both. I will only add, that as every language has itspeculiar graces, seldom or never to be acquired by a foreigner, I cannotthink I have given my author those of the English in every place; but asnone compelled me to write, I fear to ask a pardon which yet the generoustemper of this nation makes me hope to obtain. Albinus, a Roman, who hadwritten in Greek, desired in his preface to be forgiven his faults oflanguage; but Cato asked him in derision whether any had forced him towrite in a tongue of which he was not an absolute master. Lucullus wrote ahistory in the same tongue, and said he had scattered some false Greek init to let the world know it was the work of a Roman. I will not say asmuch of my writings, in which I study to be as little incorrect as thehurry of business and shortness of time will permit; but I may better say, as Tully did of the history of his consulship, which he also had written inGreek, that what errors may be found in the diction are crept in against myintent. Indeed, Livius Andronicus and Terence, the one a Greek, the othera Carthaginian, wrote successfully in Latin, and the latter is perhaps themost perfect model of the purity and urbanity of that tongue; but I oughtnot to hope for the success of those great men. Yet am I ambitious ofbeing as subservient to the useful diversion of the ingenious of thisnation as I can, which I have endeavoured in this work, with hopes toattempt some greater tasks if ever I am happy enough to have more leisure. In the meantime it will not displease me, if it is known that this is givenby one who, though born and educated in France, has the love and venerationof a loyal subject for this nation, one who, by a fatality, which with manymore made him say, Nos patriam fugimus et dulcia linquimus arva, is obliged to make the language of these happy regions as natural to him ashe can, and thankfully say with the rest, under this Protestant government, Deus nobis haec otia fecit. 

The Author's Epistle Dedicatory. 

To the most Illustrious Prince and most Reverend Lord Odet, Cardinal deChastillon. 

You know, most illustrious prince, how often I have been, and am dailypressed and required by great numbers of eminent persons, to proceed in thePantagruelian fables; they tell me that many languishing, sick, anddisconsolate persons, perusing them, have deceived their grief, passedtheir time merrily, and been inspired with new joy and comfort. I commonlyanswer that I aimed not at glory and applause when I diverted myself withwriting, but only designed to give by my pen, to the absent who labourunder affliction, that little help which at all times I willingly strive togive to the present that stand in need of my art and service. Sometimes Iat large relate to them how Hippocrates in several places, and particularlyin lib. 6. Epidem. , describing the institution of the physician hisdisciple, and also Soranus of Ephesus, Oribasius, Galen, Hali Abbas, andother authors, have descended to particulars, in the prescription of hismotions, deportment, looks, countenance, gracefulness, civility, cleanliness of face, clothes, beard, hair, hands, mouth, even his verynails; as if he were to play the part of a lover in some comedy, or enterthe lists to fight some enemy. And indeed the practice of physic isproperly enough compared by Hippocrates to a fight, and also to a farceacted between three persons, the patient, the physician, and the disease. Which passage has sometimes put me in mind of Julia's saying to Augustusher father. One day she came before him in a very gorgeous, loose, lascivious dress, which very much displeased him, though he did not muchdiscover his discontent. The next day she put on another, and in a modestgarb, such as the chaste Roman ladies wore, came into his presence. Thekind father could not then forbear expressing the pleasure which he took tosee her so much altered, and said to her: Oh! how much more this garbbecomes and is commendable in the daughter of Augustus. But she, havingher excuse ready, answered: This day, sir, I dressed myself to please myfather's eye; yesterday, to gratify that of my husband. Thus disguised inlooks and garb, nay even, as formerly was the fashion, with a rich andpleasant gown with four sleeves, which was called philonium according toPetrus Alexandrinus in 6. Epidem. , a physician might answer to such asmight find the metamorphosis indecent: Thus have I accoutred myself, notthat I am proud of appearing in such a dress, but for the sake of mypatient, whom alone I wholly design to please, and no wise offend ordissatisfy. There is also a passage in our father Hippocrates, in the bookI have named, which causes some to sweat, dispute, and labour; not indeedto know whether the physician's frowning, discontented, and morose Catonianlook render the patient sad, and his joyful, serene, and pleasingcountenance rejoice him; for experience teaches us that this is mostcertain; but whether such sensations of grief or pleasure are produced bythe apprehension of the patient observing his motions and qualities in hisphysician, and drawing from thence conjectures of the end and catastropheof his disease; as, by his pleasing look, joyful and desirable events, andby his sorrowful and unpleasing air, sad and dismal consequences; orwhether those sensations be produced by a transfusion of the serene orgloomy, aerial or terrestrial, joyful or melancholic spirits of thephysician into the person of the patient, as is the opinion of Plato, Averroes, and others. 

Above all things, the forecited authors have given particular directions tophysicians about the words, discourse, and converse which they ought tohave with their patients; everyone aiming at one point, that is, to rejoicethem without offending God, and in no wise whatsoever to vex or displeasethem. Which causes Herophilus much to blame the physician Callianax, who, being asked by a patient of his, Shall I die? impudently made him thisanswer:

 Patroclus died, whom all allow By much a better man than you. 

Another, who had a mind to know the state of his distemper, asking him, after our merry Patelin's way: Well, doctor, does not my water tell you Ishall die? He foolishly answered, No; if Latona, the mother of thoselovely twins, Phoebus and Diana, begot thee. Galen, lib. 4, Comment. 6. Epidem. , blames much also Quintus his tutor, who, a certain nobleman ofRome, his patient, saying to him, You have been at breakfast, my master, your breath smells of wine; answered arrogantly, Yours smells of fever;which is the better smell of the two, wine or a putrid fever? But thecalumny of certain cannibals, misanthropes, perpetual eavesdroppers, hasbeen so foul and excessive against me, that it had conquered my patience, and I had resolved not to write one jot more. For the least of theirdetractions were that my books are all stuffed with various heresies, ofwhich, nevertheless, they could not show one single instance; much, indeed, of comical and facetious fooleries, neither offending God nor the king (andtruly I own they are the only subject and only theme of these books), butof heresy not a word, unless they interpreted wrong, and against all use ofreason and common language, what I had rather suffer a thousand deaths, ifit were possible, than have thought; as who should make bread to be stone, a fish to be a serpent, and an egg to be a scorpion. This, my lord, emboldened me once to tell you, as I was complaining of it in yourpresence, that if I did not esteem myself a better Christian than they showthemselves towards me, and if my life, writings, words, nay thoughts, betrayed to me one single spark of heresy, or I should in a detestablemanner fall into the snares of the spirit of detraction, Diabolos, who, bytheir means, raises such crimes against me; I would then, like the phoenix, gather dry wood, kindle a fire, and burn myself in the midst of it. Youwere then pleased to say to me that King Francis, of eternal memory, hadbeen made sensible of those false accusations; and that having caused mybooks (mine, I say, because several, false and infamous, have been wickedlylaid to me) to be carefully and distinctly read to him by the most learnedand faithful anagnost in this kingdom, he had not found any passagesuspicious; and that he abhorred a certain envious, ignorant, hypocriticalinformer, who grounded a mortal heresy on an n put instead of an m by thecarelessness of the printers. 

As much was done by his son, our most gracious, virtuous, and blessedsovereign, Henry, whom Heaven long preserve! so that he granted you hisroyal privilege and particular protection for me against my slanderingadversaries. 

You kindly condescended since to confirm me these happy news at Paris; andalso lately, when you visited my Lord Cardinal du Bellay, who, for thebenefit of his health, after a lingering distemper, was retired to St. Maur, that place (or rather paradise) of salubrity, serenity, conveniency, and all desirable country pleasures. 

Thus, my lord, under so glorious a patronage, I am emboldened once more todraw my pen, undaunted now and secure; with hopes that you will still proveto me, against the power of detraction, a second Gallic Hercules inlearning, prudence, and eloquence; an Alexicacos in virtue, power, andauthority; you, of whom I may truly say what the wise monarch Solomon saithof Moses, that great prophet and captain of Israel, Ecclesiast. 45: A manfearing and loving God, who found favour in the sight of all flesh, well-beloved both of God and man; whose memorial is blessed. God made himlike to the glorious saints, and magnified him so, that his enemies stood infear of him; and for him made wonders; made him glorious in the sight ofkings, gave him a commandment for his people, and by him showed his light;he sanctified him in his faithfulness and meekness, and chose him out of allmen. By him he made us to hear his voice, and caused by him the law of lifeand knowledge to be given. 

Accordingly, if I shall be so happy as to hear anyone commend those merrycomposures, they shall be adjured by me to be obliged and pay their thanksto you alone, as also to offer their prayers to Heaven for the continuanceand increase of your greatness; and to attribute no more to me than myhumble and ready obedience to your commands; for by your most honourableencouragement you at once have inspired me with spirit and with invention;and without you my heart had failed me, and the fountain-head of my animalspirits had been dry. May the Lord keep you in his blessed mercy!

 My Lord, Your most humble, and most devoted Servant, Francis Rabelais, Physician. 

 Paris, this 28th of January, MDLII. 

The Author's Prologue. 

Good people, God save and keep you! Where are you? I can't see you:stay--I'll saddle my nose with spectacles--oh, oh! 'twill be fair anon: Isee you. Well, you have had a good vintage, they say: this is no bad newsto Frank, you may swear. You have got an infallible cure against thirst:rarely performed of you, my friends! You, your wives, children, friends, and families are in as good case as hearts can wish; it is well, it is as Iwould have it: God be praised for it, and if such be his will, may youlong be so. For my part, I am thereabouts, thanks to his blessed goodness;and by the means of a little Pantagruelism (which you know is a certainjollity of mind, pickled in the scorn of fortune), you see me now hale andcheery, as sound as a bell, and ready to drink, if you will. Would youknow why I'm thus, good people? I will even give you a positive answer--Such is the Lord's will, which I obey and revere; it being said in hisword, in great derision to the physician neglectful of his own health, Physician, heal thyself. 

Galen had some knowledge of the Bible, and had conversed with theChristians of his time, as appears lib. 11. De Usu Partium; lib. 2. DeDifferentiis Pulsuum, cap. 3, and ibid. Lib. 3. Cap. 2. And lib. De RerumAffectibus (if it be Galen's). Yet 'twas not for any such veneration ofholy writ that he took care of his own health. No, it was for fear ofbeing twitted with the saying so well known among physicians:

 Iatros allon autos elkesi bruon. 

 He boasts of healing poor and rich, Yet is himself all over itch. 

This made him boldly say, that he did not desire to be esteemed aphysician, if from his twenty-eighth year to his old age he had not livedin perfect health, except some ephemerous fevers, of which he soon ridhimself; yet he was not naturally of the soundest temper, his stomach beingevidently bad. Indeed, as he saith, lib. 5, De Sanitate tuenda, thatphysician will hardly be thought very careful of the health of others whoneglects his own. Asclepiades boasted yet more than this; for he said thathe had articled with fortune not to be reputed a physician if he could besaid to have been sick since he began to practise physic to his latter age, which he reached, lusty in all his members and victorious over fortune;till at last the old gentleman unluckily tumbled down from the top of acertain ill-propped and rotten staircase, and so there was an end of him. 

If by some disaster health is fled from your worships to the right or tothe left, above or below, before or behind, within or without, far or near, on this side or the other side, wheresoever it be, may you presently, withthe help of the Lord, meet with it. Having found it, may you immediatelyclaim it, seize it, and secure it. The law allows it; the king would haveit so; nay, you have my advice for it. Neither more nor less than thelaw-makers of old did fully empower a master to claim and seize his runawayservant wherever he might be found. Odds-bodikins, is it not written andwarranted by the ancient customs of this noble, so rich, so flourishingrealm of France, that the dead seizes the quick? See what has beendeclared very lately in that point by that learned, wise, courteous, humaneand just civilian, Andrew Tiraqueau, one of the judges in the mosthonourable court of Parliament at Paris. Health is our life, as Ariphronthe Sicyonian wisely has it; without health life is not life, it is notliving life: abios bios, bios abiotos. Without health life is only alanguishment and an image of death. Therefore, you that want your health, that is to say, that are dead, seize the quick; secure life to yourselves, that is to say, health. 

I have this hope in the Lord, that he will hear our supplications, considering with what faith and zeal we pray, and that he will grant thisour wish because it is moderate and mean. Mediocrity was held by theancient sages to be golden, that is to say, precious, praised by all men, and pleasing in all places. Read the sacred Bible, you will find theprayers of those who asked moderately were never unanswered. For example, little dapper Zaccheus, whose body and relics the monks of St. Garlick, near Orleans, boast of having, and nickname him St. Sylvanus; he onlywished to see our blessed Saviour near Jerusalem. It was but a smallrequest, and no more than anybody then might pretend to. But alas! he wasbut low-built; and one of so diminutive a size, among the crowd, could notso much as get a glimpse of him. Well then he struts, stands on tiptoes, bustles, and bestirs his stumps, shoves and makes way, and with much adoclambers up a sycamore. Upon this, the Lord, who knew his sincereaffection, presented himself to his sight, and was not only seen by him, but heard also; nay, what is more, he came to his house and blessed hisfamily. 

One of the sons of the prophets in Israel felling would near the riverJordan, his hatchet forsook the helve and fell to the bottom of the river;so he prayed to have it again ('twas but a small request, mark ye me), andhaving a strong faith, he did not throw the hatchet after the helve, assome spirits of contradiction say by way of scandalous blunder, but thehelve after the hatchet, as you all properly have it. Presently two greatmiracles were seen: up springs the hatchet from the bottom of the water, and fixes itself to its old acquaintance the helve. Now had he wished tocoach it to heaven in a fiery chariot like Elias, to multiply in seed likeAbraham, be as rich as Job, strong as Samson, and beautiful as Absalom, would he have obtained it, d'ye think? I' troth, my friends, I question itvery much. 

Now I talk of moderate wishes in point of hatchet (but harkee me, be sureyou don't forget when we ought to drink), I will tell you what is writtenamong the apologues of wise Aesop the Frenchman. I mean the Phrygian andTrojan, as Max. Planudes makes him; from which people, according to themost faithful chroniclers, the noble French are descended. Aelian writesthat he was of Thrace and Agathias, after Herodotus, that he was of Samos;'tis all one to Frank. 

In his time lived a poor honest country fellow of Gravot, Tom Wellhung byname, a wood-cleaver by trade, who in that low drudgery made shift so topick up a sorry livelihood. It happened that he lost his hatchet. Nowtell me who ever had more cause to be vexed than poor Tom? Alas, his wholeestate and life depended on his hatchet; by his hatchet he earned many afair penny of the best woodmongers or log-merchants among whom he wenta-jobbing; for want of his hatchet he was like to starve; and had death butmet with him six days after without a hatchet, the grim fiend would havemowed him down in the twinkling of a bedstaff. In this sad case he beganto be in a heavy taking, and called upon Jupiter with the most eloquentprayers--for you know necessity was the mother of eloquence. With thewhites of his eyes turned up towards heaven, down on his marrow-bones, hisarms reared high, his fingers stretched wide, and his head bare, the poorwretch without ceasing was roaring out, by way of litany, at everyrepetition of his supplications, My hatchet, Lord Jupiter, my hatchet! myhatchet! only my hatchet, O Jupiter, or money to buy another, and nothingelse! alas, my poor hatchet!

Jupiter happened then to be holding a grand council about certain urgentaffairs, and old gammer Cybele was just giving her opinion, or, if youwould rather have it so, it was young Phoebus the beau; but, in short, Tom's outcries and lamentations were so loud that they were heard with nosmall amazement at the council-board, by the whole consistory of the gods. What a devil have we below, quoth Jupiter, that howls so horridly? By themud of Styx, have not we had all along, and have not we here still enoughto do, to set to rights a world of damned puzzling businesses ofconsequence? We made an end of the fray between Presthan, King of Persia, and Soliman the Turkish emperor, we have stopped up the passages betweenthe Tartars and the Muscovites; answered the Xeriff's petition; done thesame to that of Golgots Rays; the state of Parma's despatched; so is thatof Maidenburg, that of Mirandola, and that of Africa, that town on theMediterranean which we call Aphrodisium; Tripoli by carelessness has got anew master; her hour was come. 

Here are the Gascons cursing and damning, demanding the restitution oftheir bells. 

In yonder corner are the Saxons, Easterlings, Ostrogoths, and Germans, nations formerly invincible, but now aberkeids, bridled, curbed, andbrought under a paltry diminutive crippled fellow; they ask us revenge, relief, restitution of their former good sense and ancient liberty. 

But what shall we do with this same Ramus and this Galland, with a pox tothem, who, surrounded with a swarm of their scullions, blackguardragamuffins, sizars, vouchers, and stipulators, set together by the earsthe whole university of Paris? I am in a sad quandary about it, and forthe heart's blood of me cannot tell yet with whom of the two to side. 

Both seem to me notable fellows, and as true cods as ever pissed. The onehas rose-nobles, I say fine and weighty ones; the other would gladly havesome too. The one knows something; the other's no dunce. The one lovesthe better sort of men; the other's beloved by 'em. The one is an oldcunning fox; the other with tongue and pen, tooth and nail, falls foul onthe ancient orators and philosophers, and barks at them like a cur. 

What thinkest thou of it, say, thou bawdy Priapus? I have found thycounsel just before now, et habet tua mentula mentem. 

King Jupiter, answered Priapus, standing up and taking off his cowl, hissnout uncased and reared up, fiery and stiffly propped, since you comparethe one to a yelping snarling cur and the other to sly Reynard the fox, myadvice is, with submission, that without fretting or puzzling your brainsany further about 'em, without any more ado, even serve 'em both as, in thedays of yore, you did the dog and the fox. How? asked Jupiter; when? whowere they? where was it? You have a rare memory, for aught I see! returnedPriapus. This right worshipful father Bacchus, whom we have here noddingwith his crimson phiz, to be revenged on the Thebans had got a fairy fox, who, whatever mischief he did, was never to be caught or wronged by anybeast that wore a head. 

The noble Vulcan here present had framed a dog of Monesian brass, and withlong puffing and blowing put the spirit of life into him; he gave it toyou, you gave it your Miss Europa, Miss Europa gave it Minos, Minos gave itProcris, Procris gave it Cephalus. He was also of the fairy kind; so that, like the lawyers of our age, he was too hard for all other sorts ofcreatures; nothing could scape the dog. Now who should happen to meet butthese two? What do you think they did? Dog by his destiny was to takefox, and fox by his fate was not to be taken. 

The case was brought before your council: you protested that you would notact against the fates; and the fates were contradictory. In short, the endand result of the matter was, that to reconcile two contradictions was animpossibility in nature. The very pang put you into a sweat; some drops ofwhich happening to light on the earth, produced what the mortals callcauliflowers. All our noble consistory, for want of a categoricalresolution, were seized with such a horrid thirst, that above seventy-eighthogsheads of nectar were swilled down at that sitting. At last you took myadvice, and transmogrified them into stones; and immediately got rid ofyour perplexity, and a truce with thirst was proclaimed through this vastOlympus. This was the year of flabby cods, near Teumessus, between Thebesand Chalcis. 

After this manner, it is my opinion that you should petrify this dog andthis fox. The metamorphosis will not be incongruous; for they both bearthe name of Peter. And because, according to the Limosin proverb, to makean oven's mouth there must be three stones, you may associate them withMaster Peter du Coignet, whom you formerly petrified for the same cause. Then those three dead pieces shall be put in an equilateral trigonesomewhere in the great temple at Paris--in the middle of the porch, if youwill--there to perform the office of extinguishers, and with their nosesput out the lighted candles, torches, tapers, and flambeaux; since, whilethey lived, they still lighted, ballock-like, the fire of faction, division, ballock sects, and wrangling among those idle bearded boys, thestudents. And this will be an everlasting monument to show that those punyself-conceited pedants, ballock-framers, were rather contemned thancondemned by you. Dixi, I have said my say. 

You deal too kindly by them, said Jupiter, for aught I see, MonsieurPriapus. You do not use to be so kind to everybody, let me tell you; foras they seek to eternize their names, it would be much better for them tobe thus changed into hard stones than to return to earth and putrefaction. But now to other matters. Yonder behind us, towards the Tuscan sea and theneighbourhood of Mount Apennine, do you see what tragedies are stirred upby certain topping ecclesiastical bullies? This hot fit will last itstime, like the Limosins' ovens, and then will be cooled, but not so fast. 

We shall have sport enough with it; but I foresee one inconveniency; formethinks we have but little store of thunder ammunition since the time thatyou, my fellow gods, for your pastime lavished them away to bombard newAntioch, by my particular permission; as since, after your example, thestout champions who had undertaken to hold the fortress of Dindenaroisagainst all comers fairly wasted their powder with shooting at sparrows, and then, not having wherewith to defend themselves in time of need, valiantly surrendered to the enemy, who were already packing up their awls, full of madness and despair, and thought on nothing but a shameful retreat. Take care this be remedied, son Vulcan; rouse up your drowsy Cyclopes, Asteropes, Brontes, Arges, Polyphemus, Steropes, Pyracmon, and so forth, set them at work, and make them drink as they ought. 

Never spare liquor to such as are at hot work. Now let us despatch thisbawling fellow below. You, Mercury, go see who it is, and know what hewants. Mercury looked out at heaven's trapdoor, through which, as I amtold, they hear what is said here below. By the way, one might well enoughmistake it for the scuttle of a ship; though Icaromenippus said it was likethe mouth of a well. The light-heeled deity saw that it was honest Tom, who asked for his lost hatchet; and accordingly he made his report to thesynod. Marry, said Jupiter, we are finely helped up, as if we had nownothing else to do here but to restore lost hatchets. Well, he must haveit then for all this, for so 'tis written in the Book of Fate (do youhear?), as well as if it was worth the whole duchy of Milan. The truth is, the fellow's hatchet is as much to him as a kingdom to a king. Come, come, let no more words be scattered about it; let him have his hatchet again. 

Now, let us make an end of the difference betwixt the Levites andmole-catchers of Landerousse. Whereabouts were we? Priapus was standing inthe chimney-corner, and having heard what Mercury had reported, said in amost courteous and jovial manner: King Jupiter, while by your order andparticular favour I was garden-keeper-general on earth, I observed that thisword hatchet is equivocal to many things; for it signifies a certaininstrument by the means of which men fell and cleave timber. It alsosignifies (at least I am sure it did formerly) a female soundly andfrequently thumpthumpriggletickletwiddletobyed. Thus I perceived that everycock of the game used to call his doxy his hatchet; for with that same tool(this he said lugging out and exhibiting his nine-inch knocker) they sostrongly and resolutely shove and drive in their helves, that the femalesremain free from a fear epidemical amongst their sex, viz. , that from thebottom of the male's belly the instrument should dangle at his heel for wantof such feminine props. And I remember, for I have a member, and a memorytoo, ay, and a fine memory, large enough to fill a butter-firkin; Iremember, I say, that one day of tubilustre (horn-fair) at the festivals ofgoodman Vulcan in May, I heard Josquin Des Prez, Olkegan, Hobrecht, Agricola, Brumel, Camelin, Vigoris, De la Fage, Bruyer, Prioris, Seguin, Dela Rue, Midy, Moulu, Mouton, Gascogne, Loyset, Compere, Penet, Fevin, Rousee, Richard Fort, Rousseau, Consilion, Constantio Festi, Jacquet Bercan, melodiously singing the following catch on a pleasant green:

 Long John to bed went to his bride, And laid a mallet by his side: What means this mallet, John? saith she. Why! 'tis to wedge thee home, quoth he. Alas! cried she, the man's a fool: What need you use a wooden tool? When lusty John does to me come, He never shoves but with his bum. 

Nine Olympiads, and an intercalary year after (I have a rare member, Iwould say memory; but I often make blunders in the symbolization andcolligance of those two words), I heard Adrian Villart, Gombert, Janequin, Arcadet, Claudin, Certon, Manchicourt, Auxerre, Villiers, Sandrin, Sohier, Hesdin, Morales, Passereau, Maille, Maillart, Jacotin, Heurteur, Verdelot, Carpentras, L'Heritier, Cadeac, Doublet, Vermont, Bouteiller, Lupi, Pagnier, Millet, Du Moulin, Alaire, Maraut, Morpain, Gendre, and othermerry lovers of music, in a private garden, under some fine shady trees, round about a bulwark of flagons, gammons, pasties, with several coatedquails, and laced mutton, waggishly singing:

 Since tools without their hafts are useless lumber, And hatchets without helves are of that number; That one may go in t'other, and may match it, I'll be the helve, and thou shalt be the hatchet. 

Now would I know what kind of hatchet this bawling Tom wants? This threwall the venerable gods and goddesses into a fit of laughter, like anymicrocosm of flies; and even set limping Vulcan a-hopping and jumpingsmoothly three or four times for the sake of his dear. Come, come, saidJupiter to Mercury, run down immediately, and cast at the poor fellow'sfeet three hatchets: his own, another of gold, and a third of massysilver, all of one size; then having left it to his will to take hischoice, if he take his own, and be satisfied with it, give him the othertwo; if he take another, chop his head off with his own; and henceforthserve me all those losers of hatchets after that manner. Having said this, Jupiter, with an awkward turn of his head, like a jackanapes swallowing ofpills, made so dreadful a phiz that all the vast Olympus quaked again. Heaven's foot messenger, thanks to his low-crowned narrow-brimmed hat, hisplume of feathers, heel-pieces, and running stick with pigeon wings, flingshimself out at heaven's wicket, through the idle deserts of the air, and ina trice nimbly alights upon the earth, and throws at friend Tom's feet thethree hatchets, saying unto him: Thou hast bawled long enough to be a-dry;thy prayers and request are granted by Jupiter: see which of these threeis thy hatchet, and take it away with thee. Wellhung lifts up the goldenhatchet, peeps upon it, and finds it very heavy; then staring on Mercury, cries, Codszouks, this is none of mine; I won't ha't: the same he did withthe silver one, and said, 'Tis not this neither, you may e'en take themagain. At last he takes up his own hatchet, examines the end of the helve, and finds his mark there; then, ravished with joy, like a fox that meetssome straggling poultry, and sneering from the tip of the nose, he cried, By the mass, this is my hatchet, master god; if you will leave it me, Iwill sacrifice to you a very good and huge pot of milk brimful, coveredwith fine strawberries, next ides of May. 

Honest fellow, said Mercury, I leave it thee; take it; and because thouhast wished and chosen moderately in point of hatchet, by Jupiter's commandI give thee these two others; thou hast now wherewith to make thyself rich:be honest. Honest Tom gave Mercury a whole cartload of thanks, and reveredthe most great Jupiter. His old hatchet he fastens close to his leatherngirdle, and girds it above his breech like Martin of Cambray; the twoothers, being more heavy, he lays on his shoulder. Thus he plods on, trudging over the fields, keeping a good countenance amongst his neighboursand fellow-parishioners, with one merry saying or other after Patelin'sway. The next day, having put on a clean white jacket, he takes on hisback the two precious hatchets and comes to Chinon, the famous city, noblecity, ancient city, yea, the first city in the world, according to thejudgment and assertion of the most learned Massorets. At Chinon he turnedhis silver hatchet into fine testons, crown-pieces, and other white cash;his golden hatchet into fine angels, curious ducats, substantial ridders, spankers, and rose-nobles; then with them purchases a good number of farms, barns, houses, out-houses, thatched houses, stables, meadows, orchards, fields, vineyards, woods, arable lands, pastures, ponds, mills, gardens, nurseries, oxen, cows, sheep, goats, swine, hogs, asses, horses, hens, cocks, capons, chickens, geese, ganders, ducks, drakes, and a world of allother necessaries, and in a short time became the richest man in thecountry, nay, even richer than that limping scrape-good Maulevrier. Hisbrother bumpkins, and the other yeomen and country-puts thereabouts, perceiving his good fortune, were not a little amazed, insomuch that theirformer pity of poor Tom was soon changed into an envy of his so great andunexpected rise; and as they could not for their souls devise how this cameabout, they made it their business to pry up and down, and lay their headstogether, to inquire, seek, and inform themselves by what means, in whatplace, on what day, what hour, how, why, and wherefore, he had come by thisgreat treasure. 

At last, hearing it was by losing his hatchet, Ha, ha! said they, was thereno more to do but to lose a hatchet to make us rich? Mum for that; 'tis aseasy as pissing a bed, and will cost but little. Are then at this time therevolutions of the heavens, the constellations of the firmament, andaspects of the planets such, that whosoever shall lose a hatchet shallimmediately grow rich? Ha, ha, ha! by Jove, you shall e'en be lost, an'tplease you, my dear hatchet. With this they all fairly lost their hatchetsout of hand. The devil of one that had a hatchet left; he was not hismother's son that did not lose his hatchet. No more was wood felled orcleaved in that country through want of hatchets. Nay, the Aesopianapologue even saith that certain petty country gents of the lower class, who had sold Wellhung their little mill and little field to havewherewithal to make a figure at the next muster, having been told that histreasure was come to him by that only means, sold the only badge of theirgentility, their swords, to purchase hatchets to go lose them, as the sillyclodpates did, in hopes to gain store of chink by that loss. 

You would have truly sworn they had been a parcel of your petty spiritualusurers, Rome-bound, selling their all, and borrowing of others, to buystore of mandates, a pennyworth of a new-made pope. 

Now they cried out and brayed, and prayed and bawled, and lamented, andinvoked Jupiter: My hatchet! my hatchet! Jupiter, my hatchet! on thisside, My hatchet! on that side, My hatchet! Ho, ho, ho, ho, Jupiter, myhatchet! The air round about rung again with the cries and howlings ofthese rascally losers of hatchets. 

Mercury was nimble in bringing them hatchets; to each offering that whichhe had lost, as also another of gold, and a third of silver. 

Every he still was for that of gold, giving thanks in abundance to thegreat giver, Jupiter; but in the very nick of time that they bowed andstooped to take it from the ground, whip, in a trice, Mercury lopped offtheir heads, as Jupiter had commanded; and of heads thus cut off the numberwas just equal to that of the lost hatchets. 

You see how it is now; you see how it goes with those who in the simplicityof their hearts wish and desire with moderation. Take warning by this, allyou greedy, fresh-water sharks, who scorn to wish for anything under tenthousand pounds; and do not for the future run on impudently, as I havesometimes heard you wishing, Would to God I had now one hundredseventy-eight millions of gold! Oh! how I should tickle it off. The deuceon you, what more might a king, an emperor, or a pope wish for? For thatreason, indeed, you see that after you have made such hopeful wishes, allthe good that comes to you of it is the itch or the scab, and not a cross inyour breeches to scare the devil that tempts you to make these wishes: nomore than those two mumpers, wishers after the custom of Paris; one of whomonly wished to have in good old gold as much as hath been spent, bought, andsold in Paris, since its first foundations were laid, to this hour; all ofit valued at the price, sale, and rate of the dearest year in all that spaceof time. Do you think the fellow was bashful? Had he eaten sour plumsunpeeled? Were his teeth on edge, I pray you? The other wished Our Lady'sChurch brimful of steel needles, from the floor to the top of the roof, andto have as many ducats as might be crammed into as many bags as might besewed with each and everyone of those needles, till they were all eitherbroke at the point or eye. This is to wish with a vengeance! What thinkyou of it? What did they get by't, in your opinion? Why at night both mygentlemen had kibed heels, a tetter in the chin, a churchyard cough in thelungs, a catarrh in the throat, a swingeing boil at the rump, and the devilof one musty crust of a brown george the poor dogs had to scour theirgrinders with. Wish therefore for mediocrity, and it shall be given untoyou, and over and above yet; that is to say, provided you bestir yourselfmanfully, and do your best in the meantime. 

Ay, but say you, God might as soon have given me seventy-eight thousand asthe thirteenth part of one half; for he is omnipotent, and a million ofgold is no more to him than one farthing. Oh, ho! pray tell me who taughtyou to talk at this rate of the power and predestination of God, poor sillypeople? Peace, tush, st, st, st! fall down before his sacred face and ownthe nothingness of your nothing. 

Upon this, O ye that labour under the affliction of the gout, I ground myhopes; firmly believing, that if so it pleases the divine goodness, youshall obtain health; since you wish and ask for nothing else, at least forthe present. Well, stay yet a little longer with half an ounce ofpatience. 

The Genoese do not use, like you, to be satisfied with wishing healthalone, when after they have all the livelong morning been in a brown study, talked, pondered, ruminated, and resolved in the counting-houses of whomand how they may squeeze the ready, and who by their craft must be hookedin, wheedled, bubbled, sharped, overreached, and choused; they go to theexchange, and greet one another with a Sanita e guadagno, Messer! healthand gain to you, sir! Health alone will not go down with the greedycurmudgeons; they over and above must wish for gain, with a pox to 'em; ay, and for the fine crowns, or scudi di Guadaigne; whence, heaven be praised!it happens many a time that the silly wishers and woulders are baulked, andget neither. 

Now, my lads, as you hope for good health, cough once aloud with lungs ofleather; take me off three swingeing bumpers; prick up your ears; and youshall hear me tell wonders of the noble and good Pantagruel. 

THE FOURTH BOOK. 

Chapter 4. I. 

How Pantagruel went to sea to visit the oracle of Bacbuc, alias the HolyBottle. 

In the month of June, on Vesta's holiday, the very numerical day on whichBrutus, conquering Spain, taught its strutting dons to truckle under him, and that niggardly miser Crassus was routed and knocked on the head by theParthians, Pantagruel took his leave of the good Gargantua, his royalfather. The old gentleman, according to the laudable custom of theprimitive Christians, devoutly prayed for the happy voyage of his son andhis whole company, and then they took shipping at the port of Thalassa. Pantagruel had with him Panurge, Friar John des Entomeures, alias of theFunnels, Epistemon, Gymnast, Eusthenes, Rhizotome, Carpalin, cum multisaliis, his ancient servants and domestics; also Xenomanes, the greattraveller, who had crossed so many dangerous roads, dikes, ponds, seas, andso forth, and was come some time before, having been sent for by Panurge. 

For certain good causes and considerations him thereunto moving, he hadleft with Gargantua, and marked out, in his great and universalhydrographical chart, the course which they were to steer to visit theOracle of the Holy Bottle Bacbuc. The number of ships were such as Idescribed in the third book, convoyed by a like number of triremes, men ofwar, galleons, and feluccas, well-rigged, caulked, and stored with a goodquantity of Pantagruelion. 

All the officers, droggermen, pilots, captains, mates, boatswains, midshipmen, quartermasters, and sailors, met in the Thalamege, Pantagruel'sprincipal flag-ship, which had in her stern for her ensign a huge largebottle, half silver well polished, the other half gold enamelled withcarnation; whereby it was easy to guess that white and red were the coloursof the noble travellers, and that they went for the word of the Bottle. 

On the stern of the second was a lantern like those of the ancients, industriously made with diaphanous stone, implying that they were to passby Lanternland. The third ship had for her device a fine deep china ewer. The fourth, a double-handed jar of gold, much like an ancient urn. Thefifth, a famous can made of sperm of emerald. The sixth, a monk's mumpingbottle made of the four metals together. The seventh, an ebony funnel, allembossed and wrought with gold after the Tauchic manner. The eighth, anivy goblet, very precious, inlaid with gold. The ninth, a cup of fineObriz gold. The tenth, a tumbler of aromatic agoloch (you call it lignumaloes) edged with Cyprian gold, after the Azemine make. The eleventh, agolden vine-tub of mosaic work. The twelfth, a runlet of unpolished gold, covered with a small vine of large Indian pearl of Topiarian work. Insomuch that there was not a man, however in the dumps, musty, sour-looked, or melancholic he were, not even excepting that blubberingwhiner Heraclitus, had he been there, but seeing this noble convoy of shipsand their devices, must have been seized with present gladness of heart, and, smiling at the conceit, have said that the travellers were all honesttopers, true pitcher-men, and have judged by a most sure prognosticationthat their voyage, both outward and homeward-bound, would be performed inmirth and perfect health. 

In the Thalamege, where was the general meeting, Pantagruel made a shortbut sweet exhortation, wholly backed with authorities from Scripture uponnavigation; which being ended, with an audible voice prayers were said inthe presence and hearing of all the burghers of Thalassa, who had flockedto the mole to see them take shipping. After the prayers was melodiouslysung a psalm of the holy King David, which begins, When Israel went out ofEgypt; and that being ended, tables were placed upon deck, and a feastspeedily served up. The Thalassians, who had also borne a chorus in thepsalm, caused store of belly-timber to be brought out of their houses. Alldrank to them; they drank to all; which was the cause that none of thewhole company gave up what they had eaten, nor were sea-sick, with a painat the head and stomach; which inconveniency they could not so easily haveprevented by drinking, for some time before, salt water, either alone ormixed with wine; using quinces, citron peel, juice of pomegranates, sourishsweetmeats, fasting a long time, covering their stomachs with paper, orfollowing such other idle remedies as foolish physicians prescribe to thosethat go to sea. 

Having often renewed their tipplings, each mother's son retired on boardhis own ship, and set sail all so fast with a merry gale at south-east; towhich point of the compass the chief pilot, James Brayer by name, hadshaped his course, and fixed all things accordingly. For seeing that theOracle of the Holy Bottle lay near Cathay, in the Upper India, his advice, and that of Xenomanes also, was not to steer the course which thePortuguese use, while sailing through the torrid zone, and Cape BonaSperanza, at the south point of Africa, beyond the equinoctial line, andlosing sight of the northern pole, their guide, they make a prodigious longvoyage; but rather to keep as near the parallel of the said India aspossible, and to tack to the westward of the said pole, so that windingunder the north, they might find themselves in the latitude of the port ofOlone, without coming nearer it for fear of being shut up in the frozensea; whereas, following this canonical turn, by the said parallel, theymust have that on the right to the eastward, which at their departure wason their left. 

This proved a much shorter cut; for without shipwreck, danger, or loss ofmen, with uninterrupted good weather, except one day near the island of theMacreons, they performed in less than four months the voyage of UpperIndia, which the Portuguese, with a thousand inconveniences and innumerabledangers, can hardly complete in three years. And it is my opinion, withsubmission to better judgments, that this course was perhaps steered bythose Indians who sailed to Germany, and were honourably received by theKing of the Swedes, while Quintus Metellus Celer was proconsul of theGauls; as Cornelius Nepos, Pomponius Mela, and Pliny after them tell us. 

Chapter 4. II. 

How Pantagruel bought many rarities in the island of Medamothy. 

That day and the two following they neither discovered land nor anythingnew; for they had formerly sailed that way: but on the fourth they made anisland called Medamothy, of a fine and delightful prospect, by reason ofthe vast number of lighthouses and high marble towers in its circuit, whichis not less than that of Canada (sic). Pantagruel, inquiring who governedthere, heard that it was King Philophanes, absent at that time upon accountof the marriage of his brother Philotheamon with the infanta of the kingdomof Engys. 

Hearing this, he went ashore in the harbour, and while every ship's crewwatered, passed his time in viewing divers pictures, pieces of tapestry, animals, fishes, birds, and other exotic and foreign merchandises, whichwere along the walks of the mole and in the markets of the port. For itwas the third day of the great and famous fair of the place, to which thechief merchants of Africa and Asia resorted. Out of these Friar Johnbought him two rare pictures; in one of which the face of a man that bringsin an appeal was drawn to the life; and in the other a servant that wants amaster, with every needful particular, action, countenance, look, gait, feature, and deportment, being an original by Master Charles Charmois, principal painter to King Megistus; and he paid for them in the courtfashion, with conge and grimace. Panurge bought a large picture, copiedand done from the needle-work formerly wrought by Philomela, showing to hersister Progne how her brother-in-law Tereus had by force handselled hercopyhold, and then cut out her tongue that she might not (as women will)tell tales. I vow and swear by the handle of my paper lantern that it wasa gallant, a mirific, nay, a most admirable piece. Nor do you think, Ipray you, that in it was the picture of a man playing the beast with twobacks with a female; this had been too silly and gross: no, no; it wasanother-guise thing, and much plainer. You may, if you please, see it atTheleme, on the left hand as you go into the high gallery. Epistemonbought another, wherein were painted to the life the ideas of Plato and theatoms of Epicurus. Rhizotome purchased another, wherein Echo was drawn tothe life. Pantagruel caused to be bought, by Gymnast, the life and deedsof Achilles, in seventy-eight pieces of tapestry, four fathom long, andthree fathom broad, all of Phrygian silk, embossed with gold and silver;the work beginning at the nuptials of Peleus and Thetis, continuing to thebirth of Achilles; his youth, described by Statius Papinius; his warlikeachievements, celebrated by Homer; his death and obsequies, written by Ovidand Quintus Calaber; and ending at the appearance of his ghost, andPolyxena's sacrifice, rehearsed by Euripides. 

He also caused to be bought three fine young unicorns; one of them a maleof a chestnut colour, and two grey dappled females; also a tarand, whom hebought of a Scythian of the Gelones' country. 

A tarand is an animal as big as a bullock, having a head like a stag, or alittle bigger, two stately horns with large branches, cloven feet, hairlong like that of a furred Muscovite, I mean a bear, and a skin almost ashard as steel armour. The Scythian said that there are but few tarands tobe found in Scythia, because it varieth its colour according to thediversity of the places where it grazes and abides, and represents thecolour of the grass, plants, trees, shrubs, flowers, meadows, rocks, andgenerally of all things near which it comes. It hath this common with thesea-pulp, or polypus, with the thoes, with the wolves of India, and withthe chameleon, which is a kind of a lizard so wonderful that Democritushath written a whole book of its figure and anatomy, as also of its virtueand propriety in magic. This I can affirm, that I have seen it change itscolour, not only at the approach of things that have a colour, but by itsown voluntary impulse, according to its fear or other affections; as, forexample, upon a green carpet I have certainly seen it become green; buthaving remained there some time, it turned yellow, blue, tanned, and purplein course, in the same manner as you see a turkey-cock's comb change colouraccording to its passions. But what we find most surprising in this tarandis, that not only its face and skin, but also its hair could take whatevercolour was about it. Near Panurge, with his kersey coat, its hair used toturn grey; near Pantagruel, with his scarlet mantle, its hair and skin grewred; near the pilot, dressed after the fashion of the Isiacs of Anubis inEgypt, its hair seemed all white, which two last colours the chameleonscannot borrow. 

When the creature was free from any fear or affection, the colour of itshair was just such as you see that of the asses of Meung. 

Chapter 4. III. 

How Pantagruel received a letter from his father Gargantua, and of thestrange way to have speedy news from far distant places. 

While Pantagruel was taken up with the purchase of those foreign animals, the noise of ten guns and culverins, together with a loud and joyful cheerof all the fleet, was heard from the mole. Pantagruel looked towards thehaven, and perceived that this was occasioned by the arrival of one of hisfather Gargantua's celoces, or advice-boats, named the Chelidonia; becauseon the stern of it was carved in Corinthian brass a sea-swallow, which is afish as large as a dare-fish of Loire, all flesh, without scale, withcartilaginous wings (like a bat's) very long and broad, by the means ofwhich I have seen them fly about three fathom above water, about abow-shot. At Marseilles 'tis called lendole. And indeed that ship was aslight as a swallow, so that it rather seemed to fly on the sea than tosail. Malicorne, Gargantua's esquire carver, was come in her, being sentexpressly by his master to have an account of his son's health andcircumstances, and to bring him credentials. When Malicorne had salutedPantagruel, before the prince opened the letters, the first thing he saidto him was, Have you here the Gozal, the heavenly messenger? Yes, sir, said he; here it is swaddled up in this basket. It was a grey pigeon, taken out of Gargantua's dove-house, whose young ones were just hatchedwhen the advice-boat was going off. 

If any ill fortune had befallen Pantagruel, he would have fastened someblack ribbon to his feet; but because all things had succeeded happilyhitherto, having caused it to be undressed, he tied to its feet a whiteribbon, and without any further delay let it loose. The pigeon presentlyflew away, cutting the air with an incredible speed, as you know that thereis no flight like a pigeon's, especially when it hath eggs or young ones, through the extreme care which nature hath fixed in it to relieve and bewith its young; insomuch that in less than two hours it compassed in theair the long tract which the advice-boat, with all her diligence, with oarsand sails, and a fair wind, could not go through in less than three daysand three nights; and was seen as it went into the dove-house in its nest. Whereupon Gargantua, hearing that it had the white ribbon on, was joyfuland secure of his son's welfare. This was the custom of the nobleGargantua and Pantagruel when they would have speedy news of something ofgreat concern; as the event of some battle, either by sea or land; thesurrendering or holding out of some strong place; the determination of somedifference of moment; the safe or unhappy delivery of some queen or greatlady; the death or recovery of their sick friends or allies, and so forth. They used to take the gozal, and had it carried from one to another by thepost, to the places whence they desired to have news. The gozal, bearingeither a black or white ribbon, according to the occurrences and accidents, used to remove their doubts at its return, making in the space of one hourmore way through the air than thirty postboys could have done in onenatural day. May not this be said to redeem and gain time with avengeance, think you? For the like service, therefore, you may believe asa most true thing that in the dove-houses of their farms there were to befound all the year long store of pigeons hatching eggs or rearing theiryoung. Which may be easily done in aviaries and voleries by the help ofsaltpetre and the sacred herb vervain. 

The gozal being let fly, Pantagruel perused his father Gargantua's letter, the contents of which were as followeth:

My dearest Son, --The affection that naturally a father bears a beloved sonis so much increased in me by reflecting on the particular gifts which bythe divine goodness have been heaped on thee, that since thy departure ithath often banished all other thoughts out of my mind, leaving my heartwholly possessed with fear lest some misfortune has attended thy voyage;for thou knowest that fear was ever the attendant of true and sincere love. Now because, as Hesiod saith, A good beginning of anything is the half ofit; or, Well begun's half done, according to the old saying; to free mymind from this anxiety I have expressly despatched Malicorne, that he maygive me a true account of thy health at the beginning of thy voyage. Forif it be good, and such as I wish it, I shall easily foresee the rest. 

I have met with some diverting books, which the bearer will deliver thee;thou mayest read them when thou wantest to unbend and ease thy mind fromthy better studies. He will also give thee at large the news at court. The peace of the Lord be with thee. Remember me to Panurge, Friar John, Epistemon, Xenomanes, Gymnast, and thy other principal domestics. Dated atour paternal seat, this 13th day of June. 

 Thy father and friend, Gargantua. 

Chapter 4. IV. 

How Pantagruel writ to his father Gargantua, and sent him severalcuriosities. 

Pantagruel, having perused the letter, had a long conference with theesquire Malicorne; insomuch that Panurge, at last interrupting them, askedhim, Pray, sir, when do you design to drink? When shall we drink? Whenshall the worshipful esquire drink? What a devil! have you not talked longenough to drink? It is a good motion, answered Pantagruel: go, get ussomething ready at the next inn; I think 'tis the Centaur. In the meantimehe writ to Gargantua as followeth, to be sent by the aforesaid esquire:

Most gracious Father, --As our senses and animal faculties are morediscomposed at the news of events unexpected, though desired (even to animmediate dissolution of the soul from the body), than if those accidentshad been foreseen, so the coming of Malicorne hath much surprised anddisordered me. For I had no hopes to see any of your servants, or to hearfrom you, before I had finished our voyage; and contented myself with thedear remembrance of your august majesty, deeply impressed in the hindmostventricle of my brain, often representing you to my mind. 

But since you have made me happy beyond expectation by the perusal of yourgracious letter, and the faith I have in your esquire hath revived myspirits by the news of your welfare, I am as it were compelled to do whatformerly I did freely, that is, first to praise the blessed Redeemer, whoby his divine goodness preserves you in this long enjoyment of perfecthealth; then to return you eternal thanks for the fervent affection whichyou have for me your most humble son and unprofitable servant. 

Formerly a Roman, named Furnius, said to Augustus, who had received hisfather into favour, and pardoned him after he had sided with Antony, thatby that action the emperor had reduced him to this extremity, that for wantof power to be grateful, both while he lived and after it, he should beobliged to be taxed with ingratitude. So I may say, that the excess ofyour fatherly affection drives me into such a strait, that I shall beforced to live and die ungrateful; unless that crime be redressed by thesentence of the Stoics, who say that there are three parts in a benefit, the one of the giver, the other of the receiver, the third of theremunerator; and that the receiver rewards the giver when he freelyreceives the benefit and always remembers it; as, on the contrary, that manis most ungrateful who despises and forgets a benefit. Therefore, beingoverwhelmed with infinite favours, all proceeding from your extremegoodness, and on the other side wholly incapable of making the smallestreturn, I hope at least to free myself from the imputation of ingratitude, since they can never be blotted out of my mind; and my tongue shall nevercease to own that to thank you as I ought transcends my capacity. 

As for us, I have this assurance in the Lord's mercy and help, that the endof our voyage will be answerable to its beginning, and so it will beentirely performed in health and mirth. I will not fail to set down in ajournal a full account of our navigation, that at our return you may havean exact relation of the whole. 

I have found here a Scythian tarand, an animal strange and wonderful forthe variations of colour on its skin and hair, according to the distinctionof neighbouring things; it is as tractable and easily kept as a lamb. Bepleased to accept of it. 

I also send you three young unicorns, which are the tamest of creatures. 

I have conferred with the esquire, and taught him how they must be fed. These cannot graze on the ground by reason of the long horn on theirforehead, but are forced to browse on fruit trees, or on proper racks, orto be fed by hand, with herbs, sheaves, apples, pears, barley, rye, andother fruits and roots, being placed before them. 

I am amazed that ancient writers should report them to be so wild, furious, and dangerous, and never seen alive; far from it, you will find that theyare the mildest things in the world, provided they are not maliciouslyoffended. Likewise I send you the life and deeds of Achilles in curioustapestry; assuring you whatever rarities of animals, plants, birds, orprecious stones, and others, I shall be able to find and purchase in ourtravels, shall be brought to you, God willing, whom I beseech, by hisblessed grace, to preserve you. 

From Medamothy, this 15th of June. Panurge, Friar John, Epistemon, Zenomanes, Gymnast, Eusthenes, Rhizotome, and Carpalin, having most humblykissed your hand, return your salute a thousand times. 

 Your most dutiful son and servant, Pantagruel. 

While Pantagruel was writing this letter, Malicorne was made welcome by allwith a thousand goodly good-morrows and how-d'ye's; they clung about him sothat I cannot tell you how much they made of him, how many humble services, how many from my love and to my love were sent with him. Pantagruel, having writ his letters, sat down at table with him, and afterwardspresented him with a large chain of gold, weighing eight hundred crowns, between whose septenary links some large diamonds, rubies, emeralds, turquoise stones, and unions were alternately set in. To each of hisbark's crew he ordered to be given five hundred crowns. To Gargantua, hisfather, he sent the tarand covered with a cloth of satin, brocaded withgold, and the tapestry containing the life and deeds of Achilles, with thethree unicorns in friezed cloth of gold trappings; and so they leftMedamothy--Malicorne to return to Gargantua, Pantagruel to proceed in hisvoyage, during which Epistemon read to him the books which the esquire hadbrought, and because he found them jovial and pleasant, I shall give you anaccount of them, if you earnestly desire it. 

Chapter 4. V. 

How Pantagruel met a ship with passengers returning from Lanternland. 

On the fifth day we began already to wind by little and little about thepole; going still farther from the equinoctial line, we discovered amerchant-man to the windward of us. The joy for this was not small on bothsides; we in hopes to hear news from sea, and those in the merchant-manfrom land. So we bore upon 'em, and coming up with them we hailed them;and finding them to be Frenchmen of Xaintonge, backed our sails and lay byto talk to them. Pantagruel heard that they came from Lanternland; whichadded to his joy, and that of the whole fleet. We inquired about the stateof that country, and the way of living of the Lanterns; and were told thatabout the latter end of the following July was the time prefixed for themeeting of the general chapter of the Lanterns; and that if we arrivedthere at that time, as we might easily, we should see a handsome, honourable, and jolly company of Lanterns; and that great preparations weremaking, as if they intended to lanternize there to the purpose. We weretold also that if we touched at the great kingdom of Gebarim, we should behonourably received and treated by the sovereign of that country, KingOhabe, who, as well as all his subjects, speaks Touraine French. 

While we were listening to these news, Panurge fell out with one Dingdong, a drover or sheep-merchant of Taillebourg. The occasion of the fray wasthus:

This same Dingdong, seeing Panurge without a codpiece, with his spectaclesfastened to his cap, said to one of his comrades, Prithee, look, is therenot a fine medal of a cuckold? Panurge, by reason of his spectacles, asyou may well think, heard more plainly by half with his ears than usually;which caused him (hearing this) to say to the saucy dealer in mutton, in akind of a pet:

How the devil should I be one of the hornified fraternity, since I am notyet a brother of the marriage-noose, as thou art; as I guess by thyill-favoured phiz?

Yea, verily, quoth the grazier, I am married, and would not be otherwisefor all the pairs of spectacles in Europe; nay, not for all the magnifyinggimcracks in Africa; for I have got me the cleverest, prettiest, handsomest, properest, neatest, tightest, honestest, and soberest piece ofwoman's flesh for my wife that is in all the whole country of Xaintonge;I'll say that for her, and a fart for all the rest. I bring her home afine eleven-inch-long branch of red coral for her Christmas-box. What hastthou to do with it? what's that to thee? who art thou? whence comest thou, O dark lantern of Antichrist? Answer, if thou art of God. I ask thee, bythe way of question, said Panurge to him very seriously, if with theconsent and countenance of all the elements, I had gingumbobbed, codpieced, and thumpthumpriggledtickledtwiddled thy so clever, so pretty, so handsome, so proper, so neat, so tight, so honest, and so sober female importance, insomuch that the stiff deity that has no forecast, Priapus (who dwellshere at liberty, all subjection of fastened codpieces, or bolts, bars, andlocks, abdicated), remained sticking in her natural Christmas-box in such alamentable manner that it were never to come out, but eternally shouldstick there unless thou didst pull it out with thy teeth; what wouldst thoudo? Wouldst thou everlastingly leave it there, or wouldst thou pluck itout with thy grinders? Answer me, O thou ram of Mahomet, since thou artone of the devil's gang. I would, replied the sheepmonger, take thee sucha woundy cut on this spectacle-bearing lug of thine with my trusty bilbo aswould smite thee dead as a herring. Thus, having taken pepper in the nose, he was lugging out his sword, but, alas!--cursed cows have short horns, --itstuck in the scabbard; as you know that at sea cold iron will easily takerust by reason of the excessive and nitrous moisture. Panurge, so smittenwith terror that his heart sunk down to his midriff, scoured off toPantagruel for help; but Friar John laid hand on his flashing scimitar thatwas new ground, and would certainly have despatched Dingdong to rights, hadnot the skipper and some of his passengers beseeched Pantagruel not tosuffer such an outrage to be committed on board his ship. So the matterwas made up, and Panurge and his antagonist shaked fists, and drank incourse to one another in token of a perfect reconciliation. 

Chapter 4. VI. 

How, the fray being over, Panurge cheapened one of Dingdong's sheep. 

This quarrel being hushed, Panurge tipped the wink upon Epistemon and FriarJohn, and taking them aside, Stand at some distance out of the way, saidhe, and take your share of the following scene of mirth. You shall haverare sport anon, if my cake be not dough, and my plot do but take. Thenaddressing himself to the drover, he took off to him a bumper of goodlantern wine. The other pledged him briskly and courteously. This done, Panurge earnestly entreated him to sell him one of his sheep. 

But the other answered him, Is it come to that, friend and neighbour?Would you put tricks upon travellers? Alas, how finely you love to playupon poor folk! Nay, you seem a rare chapman, that's the truth on't. Oh, what a mighty sheep-merchant you are! In good faith, you look liker one ofthe diving trade than a buyer of sheep. Adzookers, what a blessing itwould be to have one's purse well lined with chink near your worship at atripe-house when it begins to thaw! Humph, humph, did not we know youwell, you might serve one a slippery trick! Pray do but see, good people, what a mighty conjuror the fellow would be reckoned. Patience, saidPanurge; but waiving that, be so kind as to sell me one of your sheep. Come, how much? What do you mean, master of mine? answered the other. They are long-wool sheep; from these did Jason take his golden fleece. Thegold of the house of Burgundy was drawn from them. Zwoons, man, they areoriental sheep, topping sheep, fatted sheep, sheep of quality. Be it so, said Panurge; but sell me one of them, I beseech you; and that for a cause, paying you ready money upon the nail, in good and lawful occidental currentcash. Wilt say how much? Friend, neighbour, answered the seller ofmutton, hark ye me a little, on the ear. 

 Panurge. On which side you please; I hear you. 

 Dingdong. You are going to Lanternland, they say. 

 Panurge. Yea, verily. 

 Dingdong. To see fashions?

 Panurge. Even so. 

 Dingdong. And be merry?

 Panurge. And be merry. 

 Dingdong. Your name is, as I take it, Robin Mutton?

 Panurge. As you please for that, sweet sir. 

 Dingdong. Nay, without offence. 

 Panurge. So I would have it. 

 Dingdong. You are, as I take it, the king's jester; aren't you?

 Panurge. Ay, ay, anything. 

 Dingdong. Give me your hand--humph, humph, you go to see fashions, youare the king's jester, your name is Robin Mutton! Do you see this sameram? His name, too, is Robin. Here, Robin, Robin, Robin! Baea, baea, baea. Hath he not a rare voice?

 Panurge. Ay, marry has he, a very fine and harmonious voice. 

 Dingdong. Well, this bargain shall be made between you and me, friendand neighbour; we will get a pair of scales, then you Robin Mutton shall beput into one of them, and Tup Robin into the other. Now I will hold you apeck of Busch oysters that in weight, value, and price he shall outdo you, and you shall be found light in the very numerical manner as when you shallbe hanged and suspended. 

Patience, said Panurge; but you would do much for me and your wholeposterity if you would chaffer with me for him, or some other of hisinferiors. I beg it of you; good your worship, be so kind. Hark ye, friend of mine, answered the other; with the fleece of these your fineRouen cloth is to be made; your Leominster superfine wool is mine arse toit; mere flock in comparison. Of their skins the best cordovan will bemade, which shall be sold for Turkey and Montelimart, or for Spanishleather at least. Of the guts shall be made fiddle and harp strings thatwill sell as dear as if they came from Munican or Aquileia. What do youthink on't, hah? If you please, sell me one of them, said Panurge, and Iwill be yours for ever. Look, here's ready cash. What's the price? Thishe said exhibiting his purse stuffed with new Henricuses. 

Chapter 4. VII. 

Which if you read you'll find how Panurge bargained with Dingdong. 

Neighbour, my friend, answered Dingdong, they are meat for none but kingsand princes; their flesh is so delicate, so savoury, and so dainty that onewould swear it melted in the mouth. I bring them out of a country wherethe very hogs, God be with us, live on nothing but myrobolans. The sows inthe styes when they lie-in (saving the honour of this good company) are fedonly with orange-flowers. But, said Panurge, drive a bargain with me forone of them, and I will pay you for't like a king, upon the honest word ofa true Trojan; come, come, what do you ask? Not so fast, Robin, answeredthe trader; these sheep are lineally descended from the very family of theram that wafted Phryxus and Helle over the sea since called the Hellespont. A pox on't, said Panurge, you are clericus vel addiscens! Ita is acabbage, and vere a leek, answered the merchant. But, rr, rrr, rrrr, rrrrr, hoh Robin, rr, rrrrrrr, you don't understand that gibberish, do you?Now I think on't, over all the fields where they piss, corn grows as fastas if the Lord had pissed there; they need neither be tilled nor dunged. Besides, man, your chemists extract the best saltpetre in the world out oftheir urine. Nay, with their very dung (with reverence be it spoken) thedoctors in our country make pills that cure seventy-eight kinds ofdiseases, the least of which is the evil of St. Eutropius of Xaintes, fromwhich, good Lord, deliver us! Now what do you think on't, neighbour, myfriend? The truth is, they cost me money, that they do. Cost what theywill, cried Panurge, trade with me for one of them, paying you well. Ourfriend, quoth the quacklike sheepman, do but mind the wonders of naturethat are found in those animals, even in a member which one would thinkwere of no use. Take me but these horns, and bray them a little with aniron pestle, or with an andiron, which you please, it is all one to me;then bury them wherever you will, provided it be where the sun may shine, and water them frequently; in a few months I'll engage you will have thebest asparagus in the world, not even excepting those of Ravenna. Now, come and tell me whether the horns of your other knights of the bull'sfeather have such a virtue and wonderful propriety?

Patience, said Panurge. I don't know whether you be a scholar or no, pursued Dingdong; I have seen a world of scholars, I say great scholars, that were cuckolds, I'll assure you. But hark you me, if you were ascholar, you should know that in the most inferior members of thoseanimals, which are the feet, there is a bone, which is the heel, theastragalus, if you will have it so, wherewith, and with that of no othercreature breathing, except the Indian ass and the dorcades of Libya, theyused in old times to play at the royal game of dice, whereat Augustus theemperor won above fifty thousand crowns one evening. Now such cuckolds asyou will be hanged ere you get half so much at it. Patience, said Panurge;but let us despatch. And when, my friend and neighbour, continued thecanting sheepseller, shall I have duly praised the inward members, theshoulders, the legs, the knuckles, the neck, the breast, the liver, thespleen, the tripes, the kidneys, the bladder, wherewith they makefootballs; the ribs, which serve in Pigmyland to make little crossbows topelt the cranes with cherry-stones; the head, which with a little brimstoneserves to make a miraculous decoction to loosen and ease the belly ofcostive dogs? A turd on't, said the skipper to his preaching passenger, what a fiddle-faddle have we here? There is too long a lecture by half:sell him if thou wilt; if thou won't, don't let the man lose more time. Ihate a gibble-gabble and a rimble-ramble talk. I am for a man of brevity. I will, for your sake, replied the holder-forth; but then he shall give methree livres, French money, for each pick and choose. It is a woundyprice, cried Panurge; in our country I could have five, nay six, for themoney; see that you do not overreach me, master. You are not the first manwhom I have known to have fallen, even sometimes to the endangering, if notbreaking, of his own neck, for endeavouring to rise all at once. A murrainseize thee for a blockheaded booby, cried the angry seller of sheep; by theworthy vow of Our Lady of Charroux, the worst in this flock is four timesbetter than those which the Coraxians in Tuditania, a country of Spain, used to sell for a gold talent each; and how much dost thou think, thouHibernian fool, that a talent of gold was worth? Sweet sir, you fall intoa passion, I see, returned Panurge; well, hold, here is your money. Panurge, having paid his money, chose him out of all the flock a finetopping ram; and as he was hauling it along, crying out and bleating, allthe rest, hearing and bleating in concert, stared to see whither theirbrother-ram should be carried. In the meanwhile the drover was saying tohis shepherds: Ah! how well the knave could choose him out a ram; thewhoreson has skill in cattle. On my honest word, I reserved that verypiece of flesh for the Lord of Cancale, well knowing his disposition; forthe good man is naturally overjoyed when he holds a good-sized handsomeshoulder of mutton, instead of a left-handed racket, in one hand, with agood sharp carver in the other. God wot, how he belabours himself then. 

Chapter 4. VIII. 

How Panurge caused Dingdong and his sheep to be drowned in the sea. 

On a sudden, you would wonder how the thing was so soon done--for my part Icannot tell you, for I had not leisure to mind it--our friend Panurge, without any further tittle-tattle, throws you his ram overboard into themiddle of the sea, bleating and making a sad noise. Upon this all theother sheep in the ship, crying and bleating in the same tone, made all thehaste they could to leap nimbly into the sea, one after another; and greatwas the throng who should leap in first after their leader. It wasimpossible to hinder them; for you know that it is the nature of sheepalways to follow the first wheresoever it goes; which makes Aristotle, lib. 9. De. Hist. Animal. , mark them for the most silly and foolish animals inthe world. Dingdong, at his wits' end, and stark staring mad, as a man whosaw his sheep destroy and drown themselves before his face, strove tohinder and keep them back with might and main; but all in vain: they allone after t'other frisked and jumped into the sea, and were lost. At lasthe laid hold on a huge sturdy one by the fleece, upon the deck of the ship, hoping to keep it back, and so save that and the rest; but the ram was sostrong that it proved too hard for him, and carried its master into theherring pond in spite of his teeth--where it is supposed he drank somewhatmore than his fill, so that he was drowned--in the same manner as one-eyedPolyphemus' sheep carried out of the den Ulysses and his companions. Thelike happened to the shepherds and all their gang, some laying hold ontheir beloved tup, this by the horns, t'other by the legs, a third by therump, and others by the fleece; till in fine they were all of them forcedto sea, and drowned like so many rats. Panurge, on the gunnel of the ship, with an oar in his hand, not to help them you may swear, but to keep themfrom swimming to the ship and saving themselves from drowning, preached andcanted to them all the while like any little Friar (Oliver) Maillard, oranother Friar John Burgess; laying before them rhetorical commonplacesconcerning the miseries of this life and the blessings and felicity of thenext; assuring them that the dead were much happier than the living in thisvale of misery, and promised to erect a stately cenotaph and honorary tombto every one of them on the highest summit of Mount Cenis at his returnfrom Lanternland; wishing them, nevertheless, in case they were not yetdisposed to shake hands with this life, and did not like their salt liquor, they might have the good luck to meet with some kind whale which might setthem ashore safe and sound on some blessed land of Gotham, after a famousexample. 

The ship being cleared of Dingdong and his tups: Is there ever anothersheepish soul left lurking on board? cried Panurge. Where are those ofToby Lamb and Robin Ram that sleep while the rest are a-feeding? Faith, Ican't tell myself. This was an old coaster's trick. What think'st of it, Friar John, hah? Rarely performed, answered Friar John; only methinks thatas formerly in war, on the day of battle, a double pay was commonlypromised the soldiers for that day; for if they overcame, there was enoughto pay them; and if they lost, it would have been shameful for them todemand it, as the cowardly foresters did after the battle of Cerizoles;likewise, my friend, you ought not to have paid your man, and the money hadbeen saved. A fart for the money, said Panurge; have I not had above fiftythousand pounds' worth of sport? Come now, let's be gone; the wind isfair. Hark you me, my friend John; never did man do me a good turn, but Ireturned, or at least acknowledged it; no, I scorn to be ungrateful; Inever was, nor ever will be. Never did man do me an ill one without rueingthe day that he did it, either in this world or the next. I am not yet somuch a fool neither. Thou damn'st thyself like any old devil, quoth FriarJohn; it is written, Mihi vindictam, &c. Matter of breviary, mark ye me(Motteux adds unnecessarily (by way of explanation), 'that's holy stuff. '). 

Chapter 4. IX. 

How Pantagruel arrived at the island of Ennasin, and of the strange ways ofbeing akin in that country. 

We had still the wind at south-south-west, and had been a whole day withoutmaking land. On the third day, at the flies' uprising (which, you know, issome two or three hours after the sun's), we got sight of a triangularisland, very much like Sicily for its form and situation. It was calledthe Island of Alliances. 

The people there are much like your carrot-pated Poitevins, save only thatall of them, men, women, and children, have their noses shaped like an aceof clubs. For that reason the ancient name of the country was Ennasin. They were all akin, as the mayor of the place told us; at least theyboasted so. 

You people of the other world esteem it a wonderful thing that, out of thefamily of the Fabii at Rome, on a certain day, which was the 13th ofFebruary, at a certain gate, which was the Porta Carmentalis, since namedScelerata, formerly situated at the foot of the Capitol, between theTarpeian rock and the Tiber, marched out against the Veientes of Etruriathree hundred and six men bearing arms, all related to each other, withfive thousand other soldiers, every one of them their vassals, who were allslain near the river Cremera, that comes out of the lake of Beccano. Nowfrom this same country of Ennasin, in case of need, above three hundredthousand, all relations and of one family, might march out. Their degreesof consanguinity and alliance are very strange; for being thus akin andallied to one another, we found that none was either father or mother, brother or sister, uncle or aunt, nephew or niece, son-in-law ordaughter-in-law, godfather or godmother, to the other; unless, truly, a tallflat-nosed old fellow, who, as I perceived, called a little shitten-arsedgirl of three or four years old, father, and the child called him daughter. 

Their distinction of degrees of kindred was thus: a man used to call awoman, my lean bit; the woman called him, my porpoise. Those, said FriarJohn, must needs stink damnably of fish when they have rubbed their baconone with the other. One, smiling on a young buxom baggage, said, Goodmorrow, dear currycomb. She, to return him his civility, said, The like toyou, my steed. Ha! ha! ha! said Panurge, that is pretty well, in faith;for indeed it stands her in good stead to currycomb this steed. Anothergreeted his buttock with a Farewell, my case. She replied, Adieu, trial. By St. Winifred's placket, cried Gymnast, this case has been often tried. Another asked a she-friend of his, How is it, hatchet? She answered him, At your service, dear helve. Odds belly, saith Carpalin, this helve andthis hatchet are well matched. As we went on, I saw one who, calling hisshe-relation, styled her my crumb, and she called him, my crust. 

Quoth one to a brisk, plump, juicy female, I am glad to see you, dear tap. So am I to find you so merry, sweet spiggot, replied she. One called awench, his shovel; she called him, her peal: one named his, my slipper;and she, my foot: another, my boot; she, my shasoon. 

In the same degree of kindred, one called his, my butter; she called him, my eggs; and they were akin just like a dish of buttered eggs. I heard onecall his, my tripe, and she him, my faggot. Now I could not, for theheart's blood of me, pick out or discover what parentage, alliance, affinity, or consanguinity was between them, with reference to our custom;only they told us that she was faggot's tripe. (Tripe de fagot means thesmallest sticks in a faggot. ) Another, complimenting his convenient, said, Yours, my shell; she replied, I was yours before, sweet oyster. I reckon, said Carpalin, she hath gutted his oyster. Another long-shanked uglyrogue, mounted on a pair of high-heeled wooden slippers, meeting astrapping, fusty, squabbed dowdy, says he to her, How is't my top? She wasshort upon him, and arrogantly replied, Never the better for you, my whip. By St. Antony's hog, said Xenomanes, I believe so; for how can this whip besufficient to lash this top?

A college professor, well provided with cod, and powdered and prinked up, having a while discoursed with a great lady, taking his leave with thesewords, Thank you, sweetmeat; she cried, There needs no thanks, sour-sauce. Saith Pantagruel, This is not altogether incongruous, for sweet meat musthave sour sauce. A wooden loggerhead said to a young wench, It is longsince I saw you, bag; All the better, cried she, pipe. Set them together, said Panurge, then blow in their arses, it will be a bagpipe. We saw, after that, a diminutive humpbacked gallant, pretty near us, taking leaveof a she-relation of his, thus: Fare thee well, friend hole; shereparteed, Save thee, friend peg. Quoth Friar John, What could they saymore, were he all peg and she all hole? But now would I give something toknow if every cranny of the hole can be stopped up with that same peg. 

A bawdy bachelor, talking with an old trout, was saying, Remember, rustygun. I will not fail, said she, scourer. Do you reckon these two to beakin? said Pantagruel to the mayor. I rather take them to be foes. In ourcountry a woman would take this as a mortal affront. Good people oft'other world, replied the mayor, you have few such and so near relationsas this gun and scourer are to one another; for they both come out of oneshop. What, was the shop their mother? quoth Panurge. What mother, saidthe mayor, does the man mean? That must be some of your world's affinity;we have here neither father nor mother. Your little paltry fellows thatlive on t'other side the water, poor rogues, booted with wisps of hay, mayindeed have such; but we scorn it. The good Pantagruel stood gazing andlistening; but at those words he had like to have lost all patience. (HereMotteux adds an aside--'os kai nun o Ermeneutes. P. M. '). 

Having very exactly viewed the situation of the island and the way ofliving of the Enassed nation, we went to take a cup of the creature at atavern, where there happened to be a wedding after the manner of thecountry. Bating that shocking custom, there was special good cheer. 

While we were there, a pleasant match was struck up betwixt a female calledPear (a tight thing, as we thought, but by some, who knew better things, said to be quaggy and flabby), and a young soft male, called Cheese, somewhat sandy. (Many such matches have been, and they were formerly muchcommended. ) In our country we say, Il ne fut onques tel mariage, qu'est dela poire et du fromage; there is no match like that made between the pearand the cheese; and in many other places good store of such bargains havebeen driven. Besides, when the women are at their last prayers, it is tothis day a noted saying, that after cheese comes nothing. 

In another room I saw them marrying an old greasy boot to a young pliablebuskin. Pantagruel was told that young buskin took old boot to have and tohold because she was of special leather, in good case, and waxed, seared, liquored, and greased to the purpose, even though it had been for thefisherman that went to bed with his boots on. In another room below, I sawa young brogue taking a young slipper for better for worse; which, theytold us, was neither for the sake of her piety, parts, or person, but forthe fourth comprehensive p, portion; the spankers, spur-royals, rose-nobles, and other coriander seed with which she was quilted all over. 

Chapter 4. X. 

How Pantagruel went ashore at the island of Chely, where he saw King St. Panigon. 

We sailed right before the wind, which we had at west, leaving those oddalliancers with their ace-of-clubs snouts, and having taken height by thesun, stood in for Chely, a large, fruitful, wealthy, and well-peopledisland. King St. Panigon, first of the name, reigned there, and, attendedby the princes his sons and the nobles of his court, came as far as theport to receive Pantagruel, and conducted him to his palace; near the gateof which the queen, attended by the princesses her daughters and the courtladies, received us. Panigon directed her and all her retinue to salutePantagruel and his men with a kiss; for such was the civil custom of thecountry; and they were all fairly bussed accordingly, except Friar John, who stepped aside and sneaked off among the king's officers. Panigon usedall the entreaties imaginable to persuade Pantagruel to tarry there thatday and the next; but he would needs be gone, and excused himself upon theopportunity of wind and weather, which, being oftener desired than enjoyed, ought not to be neglected when it comes. Panigon, having heard thesereasons, let us go, but first made us take off some five-and-twenty orthirty bumpers each. 

Pantagruel, returning to the port, missed Friar John, and asked why he wasnot with the rest of the company. Panurge could not tell how to excusehim, and would have gone back to the palace to call him, when Friar Johnovertook them, and merrily cried, Long live the noble Panigon! As I lovemy belly, he minds good eating, and keeps a noble house and a daintykitchen. I have been there, boys. Everything goes about by dozens. I wasin good hopes to have stuffed my puddings there like a monk. What! alwaysin a kitchen, friend? said Pantagruel. By the belly of St. Cramcapon, quoth the friar, I understand the customs and ceremonies which are usedthere much better than all the formal stuff, antique postures, andnonsensical fiddle-faddle that must be used with those women, magni magna, shittencumshita, cringes, grimaces, scrapes, bows, and congees; doublehonours this way, triple salutes that way, the embrace, the grasp, thesqueeze, the hug, the leer, the smack, baso las manos de vostra merce, devostra maesta. You are most tarabin, tarabas, Stront; that's downrightDutch. Why all this ado? I don't say but a man might be for a bit by thebye and away, to be doing as well as his neighbours; but this little nastycringing and courtesying made me as mad as any March devil. You talk ofkissing ladies; by the worthy and sacred frock I wear, I seldom ventureupon it, lest I be served as was the Lord of Guyercharois. What was it?said Pantagruel; I know him. He is one of the best friends I have. 

He was invited to a sumptuous feast, said Friar John, by a relation andneighbour of his, together with all the gentlemen and ladies in theneighbourhood. Now some of the latter expecting his coming, dressed thepages in women's clothes, and finified them like any babies; then orderedthem to meet my lord at his coming near the drawbridge. So thecomplimenting monsieur came, and there kissed the petticoated lads withgreat formality. At last the ladies, who minded passages in the gallery, burst out with laughing, and made signs to the pages to take off theirdress; which the good lord having observed, the devil a bit he durst makeup to the true ladies to kiss them, but said, that since they had disguisedthe pages, by his great grandfather's helmet, these were certainly the veryfootmen and grooms still more cunningly disguised. Odds fish, da jurandi, why do not we rather remove our humanities into some good warm kitchen ofGod, that noble laboratory, and there admire the turning of the spits, theharmonious rattling of the jacks and fenders, criticise on the position ofthe lard, the temperature of the pottages, the preparation for the dessert, and the order of the wine service? Beati immaculati in via. Matter ofbreviary, my masters. 

Chapter 4. XI. 

Why monks love to be in kitchens. 

This, said Epistemon, is spoke like a true monk; I mean like a rightmonking monk, not a bemonked monastical monkling. Truly you put me in mindof some passages that happened at Florence, some twenty years ago, in acompany of studious travellers, fond of visiting the learned, and seeingthe antiquities of Italy, among whom I was. As we viewed the situation andbeauty of Florence, the structure of the dome, the magnificence of thechurches and palaces, we strove to outdo one another in giving them theirdue; when a certain monk of Amiens, Bernard Lardon by name, quite angry, scandalized, and out of all patience, told us, I don't know what the devilyou can find in this same town, that is so much cried up; for my part Ihave looked and pored and stared as well as the best of you; I think myeyesight is as clear as another body's, and what can one see after all?There are fine houses, indeed and that's all. But the cage does not feedthe birds. God and Monsieur St. Bernard, our good patron, be with us! inall this same town I have not seen one poor lane of roasting cooks; and yetI have not a little looked about and sought for so necessary a part of acommonwealth: ay, and I dare assure you that I have pried up and down withthe exactness of an informer; as ready to number, both to the right andleft, how many, and on what side, we might find most roasting cooks, as aspy would be to reckon the bastions of a town. Now at Amiens, in four, nay, five times less ground than we have trod in our contemplations, Icould have shown you above fourteen streets of roasting cooks, mostancient, savoury, and aromatic. I cannot imagine what kind of pleasure youcan have taken in gazing on the lions and Africans (so methinks you calltheir tigers) near the belfry, or in ogling the porcupines and estridges inthe Lord Philip Strozzi's palace. Faith and truth I had rather see a goodfat goose at the spit. This porphyry, those marbles are fine; I saynothing to the contrary; but our cheesecakes at Amiens are far better in mymind. These ancient statues are well made; I am willing to believe it;but, by St. Ferreol of Abbeville, we have young wenches in our countrywhich please me better a thousand times. 

What is the reason, asked Friar John, that monks are always to be found inkitchens, and kings, emperors, and popes are never there? Is there not, said Rhizotome, some latent virtue and specific propriety hid in thekettles and pans, which, as the loadstone attracts iron, draws the monksthere, and cannot attract emperors, popes, or kings? Or is it a naturalinduction and inclination, fixed in the frocks and cowls, which of itselfleads and forceth those good religious men into kitchens, whether they willor no? He would speak of forms following matter, as Averroes calls them, answered Epistemon. Right, said Friar John. 

I will not offer to solve this problem, said Pantagruel; for it is somewhatticklish, and you can hardly handle it without coming off scurvily; but Iwill tell you what I have heard. 

Antigonus, King of Macedon, one day coming into one of the tents, where hiscooks used to dress his meat, and finding there poet Antagoras frying aconger, and holding the pan himself, merrily asked him, Pray, Mr. Poet, wasHomer frying congers when he wrote the deeds of Agamemnon? Antagorasreadily answered: But do you think, sir, that when Agamemnon did them hemade it his business to know if any in his camp were frying congers? Theking thought it an indecency that a poet should be thus a-frying in akitchen; and the poet let the king know that it was a more indecent thingfor a king to be found in such a place. I'll clap another story upon theneck of this, quoth Panurge, and will tell you what Breton Villandryanswered one day to the Duke of Guise. 

They were saying that at a certain battle of King Francis against Charlesthe Fifth, Breton, armed cap-a-pie to the teeth, and mounted like St. George, yet sneaked off, and played least in sight during the engagement. Blood and oons, answered Breton, I was there, and can prove it easily; nay, even where you, my lord, dared not have been. The duke began to resentthis as too rash and saucy; but Breton easily appeased him, and set themall a-laughing. Egad, my lord, quoth he, I kept out of harm's way; I wasall the while with your page Jack, skulking in a certain place where youhad not dared hide your head as I did. Thus discoursing, they got to theirships, and left the island of Chely. 

Chapter 4. XII. 

How Pantagruel passed by the land of Pettifogging, and of the strange wayof living among the Catchpoles. 

Steering our course forwards the next day, we passed through Pettifogging, a country all blurred and blotted, so that I could hardly tell what to makeon't. There we saw some pettifoggers and catchpoles, rogues that will hangtheir father for a groat. They neither invited us to eat or drink; but, with a multiplied train of scrapes and cringes, said they were all at ourservice for the Legem pone. 

One of our droggermen related to Pantagruel their strange way of living, diametrically opposed to that of our modern Romans; for at Rome a world offolks get an honest livelihood by poisoning, drubbing, lambasting, stabbing, and murthering; but the catchpoles earn theirs by being thrashed;so that if they were long without a tight lambasting, the poor dogs withtheir wives and children would be starved. This is just, quoth Panurge, like those who, as Galen tells us, cannot erect the cavernous nerve towardsthe equinoctial circle unless they are soundly flogged. By St. Patrick'sslipper, whoever should jerk me so, would soon, instead of setting meright, throw me off the saddle, in the devil's name. 

The way is this, said the interpreter. When a monk, levite, close-fistedusurer, or lawyer owes a grudge to some neighbouring gentleman, he sends tohim one of those catchpoles or apparitors, who nabs, or at least cites him, serves a writ or warrant upon him, thumps, abuses, and affronts himimpudently by natural instinct, and according to his pious instructions;insomuch, that if the gentleman hath but any guts in his brains, and is notmore stupid than a gyrin frog, he will find himself obliged either to applya faggot-stick or his sword to the rascal's jobbernowl, give him the gentlelash, or make him cut a caper out at the window, by way of correction. This done, Catchpole is rich for four months at least, as if bastinadoeswere his real harvest; for the monk, levite, usurer, or lawyer will rewardhim roundly; and my gentleman must pay him such swingeing damages that hisacres must bleed for it, and he be in danger of miserably rotting within astone doublet, as if he had struck the king. 

Quoth Panurge, I know an excellent remedy against this used by the Lord ofBasche. What is it? said Pantagruel. The Lord of Basche, said Panurge, was a brave, honest, noble-spirited gentleman, who, at his return from thelong war in which the Duke of Ferrara, with the help of the French, bravelydefended himself against the fury of Pope Julius the Second, was every daycited, warned, and prosecuted at the suit and for the sport and fancy ofthe fat prior of St. Louant. 

One morning, as he was at breakfast with some of his domestics (for heloved to be sometimes among them) he sent for one Loire, his baker, and hisspouse, and for one Oudart, the vicar of his parish, who was also hisbutler, as the custom was then in France; then said to them before hisgentlemen and other servants: You all see how I am daily plagued withthese rascally catchpoles. Truly, if you do not lend me your helping hand, I am finally resolved to leave the country, and go fight for the sultan, orthe devil, rather than be thus eternally teased. Therefore, to be rid oftheir damned visits, hereafter, when any of them come here, be ready, youbaker and your wife, to make your personal appearance in my great hall, inyour wedding clothes, as if you were going to be affianced. Here, takethese ducats, which I give you to keep you in a fitting garb. As for you, Sir Oudart, be sure you make your personal appearance there in your finesurplice and stole, not forgetting your holy water, as if you were to wedthem. Be you there also, Trudon, said he to his drummer, with your pipeand tabor. The form of matrimony must be read, and the bride kissed; thenall of you, as the witnesses used to do in this country, shall give oneanother the remembrance of the wedding, which you know is to be a blow withyour fist, bidding the party struck remember the nuptials by that token. This will but make you have the better stomach to your supper; but when youcome to the catchpole's turn, thrash him thrice and threefold, as you woulda sheaf of green corn; do not spare him; maul him, drub him, lambast him, swinge him off, I pray you. Here, take these steel gauntlets, covered withkid. Head, back, belly, and sides, give him blows innumerable; he thatgives him most shall be my best friend. Fear not to be called to anaccount about it; I will stand by you; for the blows must seem to be givenin jest, as it is customary among us at all weddings. 

Ay, but how shall we know the catchpole? said the man of God. All sorts ofpeople daily resort to this castle. I have taken care of that, replied thelord. When some fellow, either on foot, or on a scurvy jade, with a largebroad silver ring on his thumb, comes to the door, he is certainly acatchpole; the porter having civilly let him in, shall ring the bell; thenbe all ready, and come into the hall, to act the tragi-comedy whose plot Ihave now laid for you. 

That numerical day, as chance would have it, came an old fat ruddycatchpole. Having knocked at the gate, and then pissed, as most men willdo, the porter soon found him out, by his large greasy spatterdashes, hisjaded hollow-flanked mare, his bagful of writs and informations dangling athis girdle, but, above all, by the large silver hoop on his left thumb. 

The porter was civil to him, admitted him in kindly, and rung the bellbriskly. As soon as the baker and his wife heard it, they clapped on theirbest clothes, and made their personal appearance in the hall, keeping theirgravities like a new-made judge. The dominie put on his surplice andstole, and as he came out of his office, met the catchpole, had him inthere, and made him suck his face a good while, while the gauntlets weredrawing on all hands; and then told him, You are come just in pudding-time;my lord is in his right cue. We shall feast like kings anon; here is to beswingeing doings; we have a wedding in the house; here, drink and cheer up;pull away. 

While these two were at it hand-to-fist, Basche, seeing all his people inthe hall in their proper equipage, sends for the vicar. Oudart comes withthe holy-water pot, followed by the catchpole, who, as he came into thehall, did not forget to make good store of awkward cringes, and then servedBasche with a writ. Basche gave him grimace for grimace, slipped an angelinto his mutton-fist, and prayed him to assist at the contract andceremony; which he did. When it was ended, thumps and fisticuffs began tofly about among the assistants; but when it came to the catchpole's turn, they all laid on him so unmercifully with their gauntlets that they at lastsettled him, all stunned and battered, bruised and mortified, with one ofhis eyes black and blue, eight ribs bruised, his brisket sunk in, hisomoplates in four quarters, his under jawbone in three pieces; and all thisin jest, and no harm done. God wot how the levite belaboured him, hidingwithin the long sleeve of his canonical shirt his huge steel gauntlet linedwith ermine; for he was a strong-built ball, and an old dog at fisticuffs. The catchpole, all of a bloody tiger-like stripe, with much ado crawledhome to L'Isle Bouchart, well pleased and edified, however, with Basche'skind reception; and, with the help of the good surgeons of the place, livedas long as you would have him. From that time to this, not a word of thebusiness; the memory of it was lost with the sound of the bells that rungwith joy at his funeral. 

Chapter 4. XIII. 

How, like Master Francis Villon, the Lord of Basche commended his servants. 

The catchpole being packed off on blind Sorrel--so he called his one-eyedmare--Basche sent for his lady, her women, and all his servants, into thearbour of his garden; had wine brought, attended with good store ofpasties, hams, fruit, and other table-ammunition, for a nunchion; drankwith them joyfully, and then told them this story:

Master Francis Villon in his old age retired to St. Maxent in Poitou, underthe patronage of a good honest abbot of the place. There to make sport forthe mob, he undertook to get the Passion acted, after the way, and in thedialect of the country. The parts being distributed, the play having beenrehearsed, and the stage prepared, he told the mayor and aldermen that themystery might be ready after Niort fair, and that there only wantedproperties and necessaries, but chiefly clothes fit for the parts; so themayor and his brethren took care to get them. 

Villon, to dress an old clownish father greybeard, who was to represent Godthe father, begged of Friar Stephen Tickletoby, sacristan to the Franciscanfriars of the place, to lend him a cope and a stole. Tickletoby refusedhim, alleging that by their provincial statutes it was rigorously forbiddento give or lend anything to players. Villon replied that the statutereached no farther than farces, drolls, antics, loose and dissolute games, and that he asked no more than what he had seen allowed at Brussels andother places. Tickletoby notwithstanding peremptorily bid him providehimself elsewhere if he would, and not to hope for anything out of hismonastical wardrobe. Villon gave an account of this to the players, as ofa most abominable action; adding, that God would shortly revenge himself, and make an example of Tickletoby. 

The Saturday following he had notice given him that Tickletoby, upon thefilly of the convent--so they call a young mare that was never leaped yet--was gone a-mumping to St. Ligarius, and would be back about two in theafternoon. Knowing this, he made a cavalcade of his devils of the Passionthrough the town. They were all rigged with wolves', calves', and rams'skins, laced and trimmed with sheep's heads, bull's feathers, and largekitchen tenterhooks, girt with broad leathern girdles, whereat hangeddangling huge cow-bells and horse-bells, which made a horrid din. Someheld in their claws black sticks full of squibs and crackers; others hadlong lighted pieces of wood, upon which, at the corner of every street, they flung whole handfuls of rosin-dust, that made a terrible fire andsmoke. Having thus led them about, to the great diversion of the mob andthe dreadful fear of little children, he finally carried them to anentertainment at a summer-house without the gate that leads to St. Ligarius. 

As they came near to the place, he espied Tickletoby afar off, coming homefrom mumping, and told them in macaronic verse:

 Hic est de patria, natus, de gente belistra, Qui solet antiqua bribas portare bisacco. (Motteux reads:

 'Hic est mumpator natus de gente Cucowli, Qui solet antiquo Scrappas portare bisacco. ')

A plague on his friarship, said the devils then; the lousy beggar would notlend a poor cope to the fatherly father; let us fright him. Well said, cried Villon; but let us hide ourselves till he comes by, and then chargehim home briskly with your squibs and burning sticks. Tickletoby beingcome to the place, they all rushed on a sudden into the road to meet him, and in a frightful manner threw fire from all sides upon him and his fillyfoal, ringing and tingling their bells, and howling like so many realdevils, Hho, hho, hho, hho, brrou, rrou, rrourrs, rrrourrs, hoo, hou, houhho, hho, hhoi. Friar Stephen, don't we play the devils rarely? The fillywas soon scared out of her seven senses, and began to start, to funk it, tosquirt it, to trot it, to fart it, to bound it, to gallop it, to kick it, to spurn it, to calcitrate it, to wince it, to frisk it, to leap it, tocurvet it, with double jerks, and bum-motions; insomuch that she threw downTickletoby, though he held fast by the tree of the pack-saddle with mightand main. Now his straps and stirrups were of cord; and on the right sidehis sandals were so entangled and twisted that he could not for the heart'sblood of him get out his foot. Thus he was dragged about by the fillythrough the road, scratching his bare breech all the way; she stillmultiplying her kicks against him, and straying for fear over hedge andditch, insomuch that she trepanned his thick skull so that his cocklebrains were dashed out near the Osanna or high-cross. Then his arms fellto pieces, one this way and the other that way; and even so were his legsserved at the same time. Then she made a bloody havoc with his puddings;and being got to the convent, brought back only his right foot and twistedsandal, leaving them to guess what was become of the rest. 

Villon, seeing that things had succeeded as he intended, said to hisdevils, You will act rarely, gentlemen devils, you will act rarely; I dareengage you'll top your parts. I defy the devils of Saumur, Douay, Montmorillon, Langez, St. Espain, Angers; nay, by gad, even those ofPoictiers, for all their bragging and vapouring, to match you. 

Thus, friends, said Basche, I foresee that hereafter you will act rarelythis tragical farce, since the very first time you have so skilfullyhampered, bethwacked, belammed, and bebumped the catchpole. From this dayI double your wages. As for you, my dear, said he to his lady, make yourgratifications as you please; you are my treasurer, you know. For my part, first and foremost, I drink to you all. Come on, box it about; it is goodand cool. In the second place, you, Mr. Steward, take this silver basin; Igive it you freely. Then you, my gentlemen of the horse, take these twosilver-gilt cups, and let not the pages be horsewhipped these three months. My dear, let them have my best white plumes of feathers, with the goldbuckles to them. Sir Oudart, this silver flagon falls to your share; thisother I give to the cooks. To the valets de chambre I give this silverbasket; to the grooms, this silver-gilt boat; to the porter, these twoplates; to the hostlers, these ten porringers. Trudon, take you thesesilver spoons and this sugar-box. You, footman, take this large salt. Serve me well, and I will remember you. For, on the word of a gentleman, Ihad rather bear in war one hundred blows on my helmet in the service of mycountry than be once cited by these knavish catchpoles merely to humourthis same gorbellied prior. 

Chapter 4. XIV. 

A further account of catchpoles who were drubbed at Basche's house. 

Four days after another young, long-shanked, raw-boned catchpole coming toserve Basche with a writ at the fat prior's request, was no sooner at thegate but the porter smelt him out and rung the bell; at whose second pullall the family understood the mystery. Loire was kneading his dough; hiswife was sifting meal; Oudart was toping in his office; the gentlemen wereplaying at tennis; the Lord Basche at in-and-out with my lady; thewaiting-men and gentle-women at push-pin; the officers at lanterloo, and thepages at hot-cockles, giving one another smart bangs. They were allimmediately informed that a catchpole was housed. 

Upon this Oudart put on his sacerdotal, and Loire and his wife theirnuptial badges; Trudon piped it, and then tabored it like mad; all madehaste to get ready, not forgetting the gauntlets. Basche went into theoutward yard; there the catchpole meeting him fell on his marrow-bones, begged of him not to take it ill if he served him with a writ at the suitof the fat prior; and in a pathetic speech let him know that he was apublic person, a servant to the monking tribe, apparitor to the abbatialmitre, ready to do as much for him, nay, for the least of his servants, whensoever he would employ and use him. 

Nay, truly, said the lord, you shall not serve your writ till you havetasted some of my good Quinquenays wine, and been a witness to a weddingwhich we are to have this very minute. Let him drink and refresh himself, added he, turning towards the levitical butler, and then bring him into thehall. After which, Catchpole, well stuffed and moistened, came with Oudartto the place where all the actors in the farce stood ready to begin. Thesight of their game set them a-laughing, and the messenger of mischiefgrinned also for company's sake. Then the mysterious words were mutteredto and by the couple, their hands joined, the bride bussed, and allbesprinkled with holy water. While they were bringing wine and kickshaws, thumps began to trot about by dozens. The catchpole gave the leviteseveral blows. Oudart, who had his gauntlet hid under his canonical shirt, draws it on like a mitten, and then, with his clenched fist, souse he fellon the catchpole and mauled him like a devil; the junior gauntlets droppedon him likewise like so many battering rams. Remember the wedding by this, by that, by these blows, said they. In short, they stroked him so to thepurpose that he pissed blood out at mouth, nose, ears, and eyes, and wasbruised, thwacked, battered, bebumped, and crippled at the back, neck, breast, arms, and so forth. Never did the bachelors at Avignon in carnivaltime play more melodiously at raphe than was then played on the catchpole'smicrocosm. At last down he fell. 

They threw a great deal of wine on his snout, tied round the sleeve of hisdoublet a fine yellow and green favour, and got him upon his snotty beast, and God knows how he got to L'Isle Bouchart; where I cannot truly tell youwhether he was dressed and looked after or no, both by his spouse and theable doctors of the country; for the thing never came to my ears. 

The next day they had a third part to the same tune, because it did notappear by the lean catchpole's bag that he had served his writ. So the fatprior sent a new catchpole, at the head of a brace of bums for his garde ducorps, to summon my lord. The porter ringing the bell, the whole familywas overjoyed, knowing that it was another rogue. Basche was at dinnerwith his lady and the gentlemen; so he sent for the catchpole, made him sitby him, and the bums by the women, and made them eat till their belliescracked with their breeches unbuttoned. The fruit being served, thecatchpole arose from table, and before the bums cited Basche. Baschekindly asked him for a copy of the warrant, which the other had got ready;he then takes witness and a copy of the summons. To the catchpole and hisbums he ordered four ducats for civility money. In the meantime all werewithdrawn for the farce. So Trudon gave the alarm with his tabor. Baschedesired the catchpole to stay and see one of his servants married, andwitness the contract of marriage, paying him his fee. The catchpoleslapdash was ready, took out his inkhorn, got paper immediately, and hisbums by him. 

Then Loire came into the hall at one door, and his wife with thegentlewomen at another, in nuptial accoutrements. Oudart, inpontificalibus, takes them both by their hands, asketh them their will, giveth them the matrimonial blessing, and was very liberal of holy water. The contract written, signed, and registered, on one side was brought wineand comfits; on the other, white and orange-tawny-coloured favours weredistributed; on another, gauntlets privately handed about. 

Chapter 4. XV. 

How the ancient custom at nuptials is renewed by the catchpole. 

The catchpole, having made shift to get down a swingeing sneaker of Bretonwine, said to Basche, Pray, sir, what do you mean? You do not give oneanother the memento of the wedding. By St. Joseph's wooden shoe, all goodcustoms are forgot. We find the form, but the hare is scampered; and thenest, but the birds are flown. There are no true friends nowadays. Yousee how, in several churches, the ancient laudable custom of tippling onaccount of the blessed saints O O, at Christmas, is come to nothing. Theworld is in its dotage, and doomsday is certainly coming all so fast. Nowcome on; the wedding, the wedding, the wedding; remember it by this. Thishe said, striking Basche and his lady; then her women and the levite. Thenthe tabor beat a point of war, and the gauntlets began to do their duty;insomuch that the catchpole had his crown cracked in no less than nineplaces. One of the bums had his right arm put out of joint, and the otherhis upper jaw-bone or mandibule dislocated so that it hid half his chin, with a denudation of the uvula, and sad loss of the molar, masticatory, andcanine teeth. Then the tabor beat a retreat; the gauntlets were carefullyhid in a trice, and sweetmeats afresh distributed to renew the mirth of thecompany. So they all drank to one another, and especially to the catchpoleand his bums. But Oudart cursed and damned the wedding to the pit of hell, complaining that one of the bums had utterly disincornifistibulated hisnether shoulder-blade. Nevertheless, he scorned to be thought a flincher, and made shift to tope to him on the square. 

The jawless bum shrugged up his shoulders, joined his hands, and by signsbegged his pardon; for speak he could not. The sham bridegroom made hismoan, that the crippled bum had struck him such a horrid thump with hisshoulder-of-mutton fist on the nether elbow that he was grown quiteesperruquanchuzelubelouzerireliced down to his very heel, to the no smallloss of mistress bride. 

But what harm had poor I done? cried Trudon, hiding his left eye with hiskerchief, and showing his tabor cracked on one side; they were notsatisfied with thus poaching, black and bluing, andmorrambouzevezengouzequoquemorgasacbaquevezinemaffreliding my poor eyes, but they have also broke my harmless drum. Drums indeed are commonlybeaten at weddings, and it is fit they should; but drummers are wellentertained and never beaten. Now let Beelzebub e'en take the drum, tomake his devilship a nightcap. Brother, said the lame catchpole, neverfret thyself; I will make thee a present of a fine, large, old patent, which I have here in my bag, to patch up thy drum, and for Madame St. Ann's sake I pray thee forgive us. By Our Lady of Riviere, the blesseddame, I meant no more harm than the child unborn. One of the equerries, who, hopping and halting like a mumping cripple, mimicked the good limpingLord de la Roche Posay, directed his discourse to the bum with the poutingjaw, and told him: What, Mr. Manhound, was it not enough thus to havemorcrocastebezasteverestegrigeligoscopapopondrillated us all in our uppermembers with your botched mittens, but you must also apply suchmorderegripippiatabirofreluchamburelurecaquelurintimpaniments on ourshinbones with the hard tops and extremities of your cobbled shoes. Doyou call this children's play? By the mass, 'tis no jest. The bum, wringing his hands, seemed to beg his pardon, muttering with his tongue, Mon, mon, mon, vrelon, von, von, like a dumb man. The bride cryinglaughed, and laughing cried, because the catchpole was not satisfied withdrubbing her without choice or distinction of members, but had also rudelyroused and toused her, pulled off her topping, and not having the fear ofher husband before his eyes, treacherouslytrepignemanpenillorifrizonoufresterfumbled tumbled and squeezed her lowerparts. The devil go with it, said Basche; there was much need indeed thatthis same Master King (this was the catchpole's name) should thus break mywife's back; however, I forgive him now; these are little nuptialcaresses. But this I plainly perceive, that he cited me like an angel, anddrubbed me like a devil. He had something in him of Friar Thumpwell. Come, for all this, I must drink to him, and to you likewise, his trustyesquires. But, said his lady, why hath he been so very liberal of hismanual kindness to me, without the least provocation? I assure you, I byno means like it; but this I dare say for him, that he hath the hardestknuckles that ever I felt on my shoulders. The steward held his left armin a scarf, as if it had been rent and torn in twain. I think it was thedevil, said he, that moved me to assist at these nuptials; shame on illluck; I must needs be meddling with a pox, and now see what I have got bythe bargain, both my arms are wretchedly engoulevezinemassed and bruised. Do you call this a wedding? By St. Bridget's tooth, I had rather be atthat of a Tom T--d-man. This is, o' my word, even just such another feastas was that of the Lapithae, described by the philosopher of Samosata. One of the bums had lost his tongue. The other two, tho' they had moreneed to complain, made their excuse as well as they could, protesting thatthey had no ill design in this dumbfounding; begging that, for goodnesssake, they would forgive them; and so, tho' they could hardly budge afoot, or wag along, away they crawled. About a mile from Basche's seat, the catchpole found himself somewhat out of sorts. The bums got to L'IsleBouchart, publicly saying that since they were born they had never seen anhonester gentleman than the Lord of Basche, or civiller people than his, and that they had never been at the like wedding (which I verily believe);but that it was their own faults if they had been tickled off, and tossedabout from post to pillar, since themselves had began the beating. Sothey lived I cannot exactly tell you how many days after this. But fromthat time to this it was held for a certain truth that Basche's money wasmore pestilential, mortal, and pernicious to the catchpoles and bums thanwere formerly the aurum Tholosanum and the Sejan horse to those thatpossessed them. Ever since this he lived quietly, and Basche's weddinggrew into a common proverb. 

Chapter 4. XVI. 

How Friar John made trial of the nature of the catchpoles. 

This story would seem pleasant enough, said Pantagruel, were we not to havealways the fear of God before our eyes. It had been better, saidEpistemon, if those gauntlets had fallen upon the fat prior. Since he tooka pleasure in spending his money partly to vex Basche, partly to see thosecatchpoles banged, good lusty thumps would have done well on his shavedcrown, considering the horrid concussions nowadays among those puny judges. What harm had done those poor devils the catchpoles? This puts me in mind, said Pantagruel, of an ancient Roman named L. Neratius. He was of nobleblood, and for some time was rich; but had this tyrannical inclination, that whenever he went out of doors he caused his servants to fill theirpockets with gold and silver, and meeting in the street your sprucegallants and better sort of beaux, without the least provocation, for hisfancy, he used to strike them hard on the face with his fist; andimmediately after that, to appease them and hinder them from complaining tothe magistrates, he would give them as much money as satisfied themaccording to the law of the twelve tables. Thus he used to spend hisrevenue, beating people for the price of his money. By St. Bennet's sacredboot, quoth Friar John, I will know the truth of it presently. 

This said, he went on shore, put his hand in his fob, and took out twentyducats; then said with a loud voice, in the hearing of a shoal of thenation of catchpoles, Who will earn twenty ducats for being beaten like thedevil? Io, Io, Io, said they all; you will cripple us for ever, sir, thatis most certain; but the money is tempting. With this they were allthronging who should be first to be thus preciously beaten. Friar Johnsingled him out of the whole knot of these rogues in grain, a red-snoutedcatchpole, who upon his right thumb wore a thick broad silver hoop, whereinwas set a good large toadstone. He had no sooner picked him out from therest, but I perceived that they all muttered and grumbled; and I heard ayoung thin-jawed catchpole, a notable scholar, a pretty fellow at his pen, and, according to public report, much cried up for his honesty at Doctors'Commons, making his complaint and muttering because this same crimson phizcarried away all the practice, and that if there were but a score and ahalf of bastinadoes to be got, he would certainly run away with eight andtwenty of them. But all this was looked upon to be nothing but mere envy. 

Friar John so unmercifully thrashed, thumped, and belaboured Red-snout, back and belly, sides, legs, and arms, head, feet, and so forth, with thehome and frequently repeated application of one of the best members of afaggot, that I took him to be a dead man; then he gave him the twentyducats, which made the dog get on his legs, pleased like a little king ortwo. The rest were saying to Friar John, Sir, sir, brother devil, if itplease you to do us the favour to beat some of us for less money, we areall at your devilship's command, bags, papers, pens, and all. Red-snoutcried out against them, saying, with a loud voice, Body of me, you littleprigs, will you offer to take the bread out of my mouth? will you take mybargain over my head? would you draw and inveigle from me my clients andcustomers? Take notice, I summon you before the official this daysevennight; I will law and claw you like any old devil of Vauverd, that Iwill--Then turning himself towards Friar John, with a smiling and joyfullook, he said to him, Reverend father in the devil, if you have found me agood hide, and have a mind to divert yourself once more by beating yourhumble servant, I will bate you half in half this time rather than loseyour custom; do not spare me, I beseech you; I am all, and more than all, yours, good Mr. Devil; head, lungs, tripes, guts, and garbage; and that ata pennyworth, I'll assure you. Friar John never heeded his proffers, buteven left them. The other catchpoles were making addresses to Panurge, Epistemon, Gymnast, and others, entreating them charitably to bestow upontheir carcasses a small beating, for otherwise they were in danger ofkeeping a long fast; but none of them had a stomach to it. Some timeafter, seeking fresh water for the ship's company, we met a couple of oldfemale catchpoles of the place, miserably howling and weeping in concert. Pantagruel had kept on board, and already had caused a retreat to besounded. Thinking that they might be related to the catchpole that wasbastinadoed, we asked them the occasion of their grief. They replied thatthey had too much cause to weep; for that very hour, from an exalted tripletree, two of the honestest gentlemen in Catchpole-land had been made to cuta caper on nothing. Cut a caper on nothing, said Gymnast; my pages use tocut capers on the ground; to cut a caper on nothing should be hanging andchoking, or I am out. Ay, ay, said Friar John; you speak of it like St. John de la Palisse. 

We asked them why they treated these worthy persons with such a chokinghempen salad. They told us they had only borrowed, alias stolen, the toolsof the mass and hid them under the handle of the parish. This is a veryallegorical way of speaking, said Epistemon. 

Chapter 4. XVII. 

How Pantagruel came to the islands of Tohu and Bohu; and of the strangedeath of Wide-nostrils, the swallower of windmills. 

That day Pantagruel came to the two islands of Tohu and Bohu, where thedevil a bit we could find anything to fry with. For one Wide-nostrils, a huge giant, had swallowed every individual pan, skillet, kettle, frying-pan, dripping-pan, and brass and iron pot in the land, for want ofwindmills, which were his daily food. Whence it happened that somewhatbefore day, about the hour of his digestion, the greedy churl was takenvery ill with a kind of a surfeit, or crudity of stomach, occasioned, asthe physicians said, by the weakness of the concocting faculty of hisstomach, naturally disposed to digest whole windmills at a gust, yet unableto consume perfectly the pans and skillets; though it had indeed prettywell digested the kettles and pots, as they said they knew by thehypostases and eneoremes of four tubs of second-hand drink which he hadevacuated at two different times that morning. They made use of diversremedies, according to art, to give him ease; but all would not do; thedistemper prevailed over the remedies; insomuch that the famousWide-nostrils died that morning of so strange a death that I think you oughtno longer to wonder at that of the poet Aeschylus. It had been foretold himby the soothsayers that he would die on a certain day by the ruin ofsomething that should fall on him. The fatal day being come in its turn, heremoved himself out of town, far from all houses, trees, (rocks, ) or anyother things that can fall and endanger by their ruin; and strayed in alarge field, trusting himself to the open sky; there very secure, as hethought, unless indeed the sky should happen to fall, which he held to beimpossible. Yet they say that the larks are much afraid of it; for if itshould fall, they must all be taken. 

The Celts that once lived near the Rhine--they are our noble valiantFrench--in ancient times were also afraid of the sky's falling; for beingasked by Alexander the Great what they feared most in this world, hopingwell they would say that they feared none but him, considering his greatachievements, they made answer that they feared nothing but the sky'sfalling; however, not refusing to enter into a confederacy with so brave aking, if you believe Strabo, lib. 7, and Arrian, lib. I. 

Plutarch also, in his book of the face that appears on the body of themoon, speaks of one Phenaces, who very much feared the moon should fall onthe earth, and pitied those that live under that planet, as the Aethiopiansand Taprobanians, if so heavy a mass ever happened to fall on them, andwould have feared the like of heaven and earth had they not been dulypropped up and borne by the Atlantic pillars, as the ancients believed, according to Aristotle's testimony, lib. 5, Metaphys. Notwithstanding allthis, poor Aeschylus was killed by the fall of the shell of a tortoise, which falling from betwixt the claws of an eagle high in the air, just onhis head, dashed out his brains. 

Neither ought you to wonder at the death of another poet, I mean old jollyAnacreon, who was choked with a grape-stone. Nor at that of Fabius theRoman praetor, who was choked with a single goat's hair as he was suppingup a porringer of milk. Nor at the death of that bashful fool, who byholding in his wind, and for want of letting out a bum-gunshot, diedsuddenly in the presence of the Emperor Claudius. Nor at that of theItalian buried on the Via Flaminia at Rome, who in his epitaph complainsthat the bite of a she-puss on his little finger was the cause of hisdeath. Nor of that of Q. Lecanius Bassus, who died suddenly of so small aprick with a needle on his left thumb that it could hardly be discerned. Nor of Quenelault, a Norman physician, who died suddenly at Montpellier, merely for having sideways took a worm out of his hand with a penknife. Nor of Philomenes, whose servant having got him some new figs for the firstcourse of his dinner, whilst he went to fetch wine, a straggling well-hungass got into the house, and seeing the figs on the table, without furtherinvitation soberly fell to. Philomenes coming into the room and nicelyobserving with what gravity the ass ate its dinner, said to the man, whowas come back, Since thou hast set figs here for this reverend guest ofours to eat, methinks it is but reason thou also give him some of this wineto drink. He had no sooner said this, but he was so excessively pleased, and fell into so exorbitant a fit of laughter, that the use of his spleentook that of his breath utterly away, and he immediately died. Nor ofSpurius Saufeius, who died supping up a soft-boiled egg as he came out of abath. Nor of him who, as Boccaccio tells us, died suddenly by picking hisgrinders with a sage-stalk. Nor of Phillipot Placut, who being brisk andhale, fell dead as he was paying an old debt; which causes, perhaps, manynot to pay theirs, for fear of the like accident. Nor of the painterZeuxis, who killed himself with laughing at the sight of the antiquejobbernowl of an old hag drawn by him. Nor, in short, of a thousand moreof which authors write, as Varrius, Pliny, Valerius, J. Baptista Fulgosus, and Bacabery the elder. In short, Gaffer Wide-nostrils choked himself witheating a huge lump of fresh butter at the mouth of a hot oven by the adviceof physicians. 

They likewise told us there that the King of Cullan in Bohu had routed thegrandees of King Mecloth, and made sad work with the fortresses of Belima. 

After this, we sailed by the islands of Nargues and Zargues; also by theislands of Teleniabin and Geleniabin, very fine and fruitful in ingredientsfor clysters; and then by the islands of Enig and Evig, on whose accountformerly the Landgrave of Hesse was swinged off with a vengeance. 

Chapter 4. XVIII. 

How Pantagruel met with a great storm at sea. 

The next day we espied nine sail that came spooning before the wind; theywere full of Dominicans, Jesuits, Capuchins, Hermits, Austins, Bernardins, Egnatins, Celestins, Theatins, Amadeans, Cordeliers, Carmelites, Minims, and the devil and all of other holy monks and friars, who were going to theCouncil of Chesil, to sift and garble some new articles of faith againstthe new heretics. Panurge was overjoyed to see them, being most certain ofgood luck for that day and a long train of others. So having courteouslysaluted the blessed fathers, and recommended the salvation of his precioussoul to their devout prayers and private ejaculations, he causedseventy-eight dozen of Westphalia hams, units of pots of caviare, tens ofBolonia sausages, hundreds of botargoes, and thousands of fine angels, forthe souls of the dead, to be thrown on board their ships. Pantagruel seemedmetagrabolized, dozing, out of sorts, and as melancholic as a cat. FriarJohn, who soon perceived it, was inquiring of him whence should come thisunusual sadness; when the master, whose watch it was, observing thefluttering of the ancient above the poop, and seeing that it began toovercast, judged that we should have wind; therefore he bid the boatswaincall all hands upon deck, officers, sailors, foremast-men, swabbers, andcabin-boys, and even the passengers; made them first settle their topsails, take in their spritsail; then he cried, In with your topsails, lower theforesail, tallow under parrels, braid up close all them sails, strike yourtopmasts to the cap, make all sure with your sheeps-feet, lash your gunsfast. All this was nimbly done. Immediately it blowed a storm; the seabegan to roar and swell mountain-high; the rut of the sea was great, thewaves breaking upon our ship's quarter; the north-west wind blustered andoverblowed; boisterous gusts, dreadful clashing, and deadly scuds of windwhistled through our yards and made our shrouds rattle again. The thundergrumbled so horridly that you would have thought heaven had been tumblingabout our ears; at the same time it lightened, rained, hailed; the sky lostits transparent hue, grew dusky, thick, and gloomy, so that we had no otherlight than that of the flashes of lightning and rending of the clouds. Thehurricanes, flaws, and sudden whirlwinds began to make a flame about us bythe lightnings, fiery vapours, and other aerial ejaculations. Oh, how ourlooks were full of amazement and trouble, while the saucy winds did rudelylift up above us the mountainous waves of the main! Believe me, it seemedto us a lively image of the chaos, where fire, air, sea, land, and all theelements were in a refractory confusion. Poor Panurge having with the fullcontents of the inside of his doublet plentifully fed the fish, greedyenough of such odious fare, sat on the deck all in a heap, with his nose andarse together, most sadly cast down, moping and half dead; invoked andcalled to his assistance all the blessed he- and she-saints he could musterup; swore and vowed to confess in time and place convenient, and then bawledout frightfully, Steward, maitre d'hotel, see ho! my friend, my father, myuncle, prithee let us have a piece of powdered beef or pork; we shall drinkbut too much anon, for aught I see. Eat little and drink the more willhereafter be my motto, I fear. Would to our dear Lord, and to our blessed, worthy, and sacred Lady, I were now, I say, this very minute of an hour, well on shore, on terra firma, hale and easy. O twice and thrice happythose that plant cabbages! O destinies, why did you not spin me for acabbage-planter? O how few are there to whom Jupiter hath been sofavourable as to predestinate them to plant cabbages! They have always onefoot on the ground, and the other not far from it. Dispute who will offelicity and summum bonum, for my part whosoever plants cabbages is now, bymy decree, proclaimed most happy; for as good a reason as the philosopherPyrrho, being in the same danger, and seeing a hog near the shore eatingsome scattered oats, declared it happy in two respects; first, because ithad plenty of oats, and besides that, was on shore. Ha, for a divine andprincely habitation, commend me to the cows' floor. 

Murder! This wave will sweep us away, blessed Saviour! O my friends! alittle vinegar. I sweat again with mere agony. Alas! the mizen-sail'ssplit, the gallery's washed away, the masts are sprung, themaintop-masthead dives into the sea; the keel is up to the sun; our shroudsare almost all broke, and blown away. Alas! alas! where is our main course?Al is verlooren, by Godt! our topmast is run adrift. Alas! who shall havethis wreck? Friend, lend me here behind you one of these whales. Yourlantern is fallen, my lads. Alas! do not let go the main-tack nor thebowline. I hear the block crack; is it broke? For the Lord's sake, let ushave the hull, and let all the rigging be damned. Be, be, be, bous, bous, bous. Look to the needle of your compass, I beseech you, good SirAstrophil, and tell us, if you can, whence comes this storm. My heart'ssunk down below my midriff. By my troth, I am in a sad fright, bou, bou, bou, bous, bous, I am lost for ever. I conskite myself for mere madness andfear. Bou, bou, bou, bou, Otto to to to to ti. Bou, bou, bou, ou, ou, ou, bou, bou, bous. I sink, I'm drowned, I'm gone, good people, I'm drowned. 

Chapter 4. XIX. 

What countenances Panurge and Friar John kept during the storm. 

Pantagruel, having first implored the help of the great and AlmightyDeliverer, and prayed publicly with fervent devotion, by the pilot's adviceheld tightly the mast of the ship. Friar John had stripped himself to hiswaistcoat, to help the seamen. Epistemon, Ponocrates, and the rest did asmuch. Panurge alone sat on his breech upon deck, weeping and howling. Friar John espied him going on the quarter-deck, and said to him, Odzoons!Panurge the calf, Panurge the whiner, Panurge the brayer, would it notbecome thee much better to lend us here a helping hand than to lie lowinglike a cow, as thou dost, sitting on thy stones like a bald-breechedbaboon? Be, be, be, bous, bous, bous, returned Panurge; Friar John, myfriend, my good father, I am drowning, my dear friend! I drown! I am adead man, my dear father in God; I am a dead man, my friend; your cuttinghanger cannot save me from this; alas! alas! we are above ela. Above thepitch, out of tune, and off the hinges. Be, be, be, bou, bous. Alas! weare now above g sol re ut. I sink, I sink, ha, my father, my uncle, myall. The water is got into my shoes by the collar; bous, bous, bous, paish, hu, hu, hu, he, he, he, ha, ha, I drown. Alas! alas! Hu, hu, hu, hu, hu, hu, hu, be, be, bous, bous, bobous, bobous, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, alas! alas! Now I am like your tumblers, my feet stand higher than myhead. Would to heaven I were now with those good holy fathers bound forthe council whom we met this morning, so godly, so fat, so merry, so plumpand comely. Holos, bolos, holas, holas, alas! This devilish wave (meaculpa Deus), I mean this wave of God, will sink our vessel. Alas! FriarJohn, my father, my friend, confession. Here I am down on my knees;confiteor; your holy blessing. Come hither and be damned, thou pitifuldevil, and help us, said Friar John (who fell a-swearing and cursing like atinker), in the name of thirty legions of black devils, come; will youcome? Do not let us swear at this time, said Panurge; holy father, myfriend, do not swear, I beseech you; to-morrow as much as you please. Holos, holos, alas! our ship leaks. I drown, alas, alas! I will giveeighteen hundred thousand crowns to anyone that will set me on shore, allberayed and bedaubed as I am now. If ever there was a man in my country inthe like pickle. Confiteor, alas! a word or two of testament or codicil atleast. A thousand devils seize the cuckoldy cow-hearted mongrel, criedFriar John. Ods-belly, art thou talking here of making thy will now we arein danger, and it behoveth us to bestir our stumps lustily, or never? Wiltthou come, ho devil? Midshipman, my friend; O the rare lieutenant; hereGymnast, here on the poop. We are, by the mass, all beshit now; our lightis out. This is hastening to the devil as fast as it can. Alas, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, alas, alas, alas, alas! said Panurge; was it here we wereborn to perish? Oh! ho! good people, I drown, I die. Consummatum est. Iam sped--Magna, gna, gna, said Friar John. Fie upon him, how ugly theshitten howler looks. Boy, younker, see hoyh. Mind the pumps or the devilchoke thee. Hast thou hurt thyself? Zoons, here fasten it to one of theseblocks. On this side, in the devil's name, hay--so, my boy. Ah, FriarJohn, said Panurge, good ghostly father, dear friend, don't let us swear, you sin. Oh, ho, oh, ho, be be be bous, bous, bhous, I sink, I die, myfriends. I die in charity with all the world. Farewell, in manus. Bohusbohous, bhousowauswaus. St. Michael of Aure! St. Nicholas! now, now ornever, I here make you a solemn vow, and to our Saviour, that if you standby me this time, I mean if you set me ashore out of this danger, I willbuild you a fine large little chapel or two, between Quande and Montsoreau, where neither cow nor calf shall feed. Oh ho, oh ho. Above eighteenpailfuls or two of it are got down my gullet; bous, bhous, bhous, bhous, how damned bitter and salt it is! By the virtue, said Friar John, of theblood, the flesh, the belly, the head, if I hear thee again howling, thoucuckoldy cur, I'll maul thee worse than any sea-wolf. Ods-fish, why don'twe take him up by the lugs and throw him overboard to the bottom of thesea? Hear, sailor; ho, honest fellow. Thus, thus, my friend, hold fastabove. In truth, here is a sad lightning and thundering; I think that allthe devils are got loose; it is holiday with them; or else MadameProserpine is in child's labour: all the devils dance a morrice. 

Chapter 4. XX. 

How the pilots were forsaking their ships in the greatest stress ofweather. 

Oh, said Panurge, you sin, Friar John, my former crony! former, I say, forat this time I am no more, you are no more. It goes against my heart totell it you; for I believe this swearing doth your spleen a great deal ofgood; as it is a great ease to a wood-cleaver to cry hem at every blow, andas one who plays at ninepins is wonderfully helped if, when he hath notthrown his bowl right, and is like to make a bad cast, some ingeniousstander-by leans and screws his body halfway about on that side which thebowl should have took to hit the pins. Nevertheless, you offend, my sweetfriend. But what do you think of eating some kind of cabirotadoes?Wouldn't this secure us from this storm? I have read that the ministers ofthe gods Cabiri, so much celebrated by Orpheus, Apollonius, Pherecydes, Strabo, Pausanias, and Herodotus were always secure in time of storm. Hedotes, he raves, the poor devil! A thousand, a million, nay, a hundredmillion of devils seize the hornified doddipole. Lend's a hand here, hoh, tiger, wouldst thou? Here, on the starboard side. Ods-me, thou buffalo'shead stuffed with relics, what ape's paternoster art thou muttering andchattering here between thy teeth? That devil of a sea-calf is the causeof all this storm, and is the only man who doth not lend a helping hand. By G--, if I come near thee, I'll fetch thee out by the head and ears witha vengeance, and chastise thee like any tempestative devil. Here, mate, mylad, hold fast, till I have made a double knot. O brave boy! Would toheaven thou wert abbot of Talemouze, and that he that is were guardian ofCroullay. Hold, brother Ponocrates, you will hurt yourself, man. Epistemon, prithee stand off out of the hatchway. Methinks I saw thethunder fall there but just now. Con the ship, so ho--Mind your steerage. Well said, thus, thus, steady, keep her thus, get the longboat clear--steady. Ods-fish, the beak-head is staved to pieces. Grumble, devils, fart, belch, shite, a t--d o' the wave. If this be weather, the devil's aram. Nay, by G--, a little more would have washed me clear away into thecurrent. I think all the legions of devils hold here their provincialchapter, or are polling, canvassing, and wrangling for the election of anew rector. Starboard; well said. Take heed; have a care of your noddle, lad, in the devil's name. So ho, starboard, starboard. Be, be, be, bous, bous, bous, cried Panurge; bous, bous, be, be, be, bous, bous, I am lost. I see neither heaven nor earth; of the four elements we have here only fireand water left. Bou, bou, bou, bous, bous, bous. Would it were thepleasure of the worthy divine bounty that I were at this present hour inthe close at Seuille, or at Innocent's the pastry-cook over against thepainted wine-vault at Chinon, though I were to strip to my doublet, andbake the petti-pasties myself. 

Honest man, could not you throw me ashore? you can do a world of goodthings, they say. I give you all Salmigondinois, and my large shore fullof whelks, cockles, and periwinkles, if, by your industry, I ever set footon firm ground. Alas, alas! I drown. Harkee, my friends, since we cannotget safe into port, let us come to an anchor in some road, no matterwhither. Drop all your anchors; let us be out of danger, I beseech you. Here, honest tar, get you into the chains, and heave the lead, an't pleaseyou. Let us know how many fathom water we are in. Sound, friend, in theLord Harry's name. Let us know whether a man might here drink easilywithout stooping. I am apt to believe one might. Helm a-lee, hoh, criedthe pilot. Helm a-lee; a hand or two at the helm; about ships with her;helm a-lee, helm a-lee. Stand off from the leech of the sail. Hoh! belay, here make fast below; hoh, helm a-lee, lash sure the helm a-lee, and lether drive. Is it come to that? said Pantagruel; our good Saviour then helpus. Let her lie under the sea, cried James Brahier, our chief mate; lether drive. To prayers, to prayers; let all think on their souls, and fallto prayers; nor hope to escape but by a miracle. Let us, said Panurge, make some good pious kind of vow; alas, alas, alas! bou, bou, be, be, be, bous, bous, bous, oho, oho, oho, oho, let us make a pilgrim; come, come, let every man club his penny towards it, come on. Here, here, on thisside, said Friar John, in the devil's name. Let her drive, for the Lord'ssake unhang the rudder; hoh, let her drive, let her drive, and let usdrink, I say, of the best and most cheering; d'ye hear, steward? produce, exhibit; for, d'ye see this, and all the rest will as well go to the devilout of hand. A pox on that wind-broker Aeolus, with his fluster-blusters. Sirrah, page, bring me here my drawer (for so he called his breviary); staya little here; haul, friend, thus. Odzoons, here is a deal of hail andthunder to no purpose. Hold fast above, I pray you. When have weAll-saints day? I believe it is the unholy holiday of all the devil's crew. Alas! said Panurge, Friar John damns himself here as black as buttermilkfor the nonce. Oh, what a good friend I lose in him. Alas, alas! this isanother gats-bout than last year's. We are falling out of Scylla intoCharybdis. Oho! I drown. Confiteor; one poor word or two by way oftestament, Friar John, my ghostly father; good Mr. Abstractor, my crony, my Achates, Xenomanes, my all. Alas! I drown; two words of testament hereupon this ladder. 

Chapter 4. XXI. 

A continuation of the storm, with a short discourse on the subject ofmaking testaments at sea. 

To make one's last will, said Epistemon, at this time that we ought tobestir ourselves and help our seamen, on the penalty of being drowned, seems to me as idle and ridiculous a maggot as that of some of Caesar'smen, who, at their coming into the Gauls, were mightily busied in makingwills and codicils; bemoaned their fortune and the absence of their spousesand friends at Rome, when it was absolutely necessary for them to run totheir arms and use their utmost strength against Ariovistus their enemy. 

This also is to be as silly as that jolt-headed loblolly of a carter, who, having laid his waggon fast in a slough, down on his marrow-bones wascalling on the strong-backed deity, Hercules, might and main, to help himat a dead lift, but all the while forgot to goad on his oxen and lay hisshoulder to the wheels, as it behoved him; as if a Lord have mercy upon usalone would have got his cart out of the mire. 

What will it signify to make your will now? for either we shall come off ordrown for it. If we 'scape, it will not signify a straw to us; fortestaments are of no value or authority but by the death of the testators. If we are drowned, will it not be drowned too? Prithee, who will transmitit to the executors? Some kind wave will throw it ashore, like Ulysses, replied Panurge; and some king's daughter, going to fetch a walk in thefresco, on the evening will find it, and take care to have it proved andfulfilled; nay, and have some stately cenotaph erected to my memory, asDido had to that of her goodman Sichaeus; Aeneas to Deiphobus, upon theTrojan shore, near Rhoete; Andromache to Hector, in the city of Buthrot;Aristotle to Hermias and Eubulus; the Athenians to the poet Euripides; theRomans to Drusus in Germany, and to Alexander Severus, their emperor, inthe Gauls; Argentier to Callaischre; Xenocrates to Lysidices; Timares tohis son Teleutagoras; Eupolis and Aristodice to their son Theotimus;Onestus to Timocles; Callimachus to Sopolis, the son of Dioclides; Catullusto his brother; Statius to his father; Germain of Brie to Herve, the Bretontarpaulin. Art thou mad, said Friar John, to run on at this rate? Help, here, in the name of five hundred thousand millions of cartloads of devils, help! may a shanker gnaw thy moustachios, and the three rows of pock-royalsand cauliflowers cover thy bum and turd-barrel instead of breeches andcodpiece. Codsooks, our ship is almost overset. Ods-death, how shall weclear her? it is well if she do not founder. What a devilish sea thereruns! She'll neither try nor hull; the sea will overtake her, so we shallnever 'scape; the devil 'scape me. Then Pantagruel was heard to make a sadexclamation, saying, with a loud voice, Lord save us, we perish; yet not aswe would have it, but thy holy will be done. The Lord and the blessedVirgin be with us, said Panurge. Holos, alas, I drown; be be be bous, bebous, bous; in manus. Good heavens, send me some dolphin to carry me safeon shore, like a pretty little Arion. I shall make shift to sound theharp, if it be not unstrung. Let nineteen legions of black devils seizeme, said Friar John. (The Lord be with us! whispered Panurge, between hischattering teeth. ) If I come down to thee, I'll show thee to some purposethat the badge of thy humanity dangles at a calf's breech, thou ragged, horned, cuckoldy booby--mgna, mgnan, mgnan--come hither and help us, thougreat weeping calf, or may thirty millions of devils leap on thee. Wiltthou come, sea-calf? Fie; how ugly the howling whelp looks. What, alwaysthe same ditty? Come on now, my bonny drawer. This he said, opening hisbreviary. Come forward, thou and I must be somewhat serious for a while;let me peruse thee stiffly. Beatus vir qui non abiit. Pshaw, I know allthis by heart; let us see the legend of Mons. St. Nicholas. 

 Horrida tempestas montem turbavit acutum. 

Tempest was a mighty flogger of lads at Mountagu College. If pedants bedamned for whipping poor little innocent wretches their scholars, he is, upon my honour, by this time fixed within Ixion's wheel, lashing thecrop-eared, bobtailed cur that gives it motion. If they are saved forhaving whipped innocent lads, he ought to be above the--

Chapter 4. XXII. 

An end of the storm. 

Shore, shore! cried Pantagruel. Land to, my friends, I see land! Pluck upa good spirit, boys, 'tis within a kenning. So! we are not far from aport. --I see the sky clearing up to the northwards. --Look to thesouth-east! Courage, my hearts, said the pilot; now she'll bear the hullockof a sail; the sea is much smoother; some hands aloft to the maintop. Putthe helm a-weather. Steady! steady! Haul your after-mizen bowlines. Haul, haul, haul! Thus, thus, and no near. Mind your steerage; bring yourmain-tack aboard. Clear your sheets; clear your bowlines; port, port. Helma-lee. Now to the sheet on the starboard side, thou son of a whore. Thouart mightily pleased, honest fellow, quoth Friar John, with hearing makemention of thy mother. Luff, luff, cried the quartermaster that conned theship, keep her full, luff the helm. Luff. It is, answered the steersman. Keep her thus. Get the bonnets fixed. Steady, steady. 

That is well said, said Friar John now, this is something like a tansy. Come, come, come, children, be nimble. Good. Luff, luff, thus. Helma-weather. That's well said and thought on. Methinks the storm is almostover. It was high time, faith; however, the Lord be thanked. Our devilsbegin to scamper. Out with all your sails. Hoist your sails. Hoist. That is spoke like a man, hoist, hoist. Here, a God's name, honestPonocrates; thou art a lusty fornicator; the whoreson will get none butboys. Eusthenes, thou art a notable fellow. Run up to the fore-topsail. Thus, thus. Well said, i' faith; thus, thus. I dare not fear anything allthis while, for it is holiday. Vea, vea, vea! huzza! This shout of theseaman is not amiss, and pleases me, for it is holiday. Keep her fullthus. Good. Cheer up, my merry mates all, cried out Epistemon; I seealready Castor on the right. Be, be, bous, bous, bous, said Panurge; I ammuch afraid it is the bitch Helen. It is truly Mixarchagenas, returnedEpistemon, if thou likest better that denomination, which the Argives givehim. Ho, ho! I see land too; let her bear in with the harbour; I see agood many people on the beach; I see a light on an obeliscolychny. Shortenyour sails, said the pilot; fetch the sounding line; we must double thatpoint of land, and mind the sands. We are clear of them, said the sailors. Soon after, Away she goes, quoth the pilot, and so doth the rest of ourfleet; help came in good season. 

By St. John, said Panurge, this is spoke somewhat like. O the sweet word!there is the soul of music in it. Mgna, mgna, mgna, said Friar John; ifever thou taste a drop of it, let the devil's dam taste me, thou ballockydevil. Here, honest soul, here's a full sneaker of the very best. Bringthe flagons; dost hear, Gymnast: and that same large pasty jambic, gammonic, as you will have it. Take heed you pilot her in right. 

Cheer up, cried out Pantagruel; cheer up, my boys; let us be ourselvesagain. Do you see yonder, close by our ship, two barks, three sloops, fiveships, eight pinks, four yawls, and six frigates making towards us, sent bythe good people of the neighbouring island to our relief? But who is thisUcalegon below, that cries and makes such a sad moan? Were it not that Ihold the mast firmly with both my hands, and keep it straighter than twohundred tacklings--I would--It is, said Friar John, that poor devilPanurge, who is troubled with a calf's ague; he quakes for fear when hisbelly's full. If, said Pantagruel, he hath been afraid during thisdreadful hurricane and dangerous storm, provided (waiving that) he hathdone his part like a man, I do not value him a jot the less for it. For asto fear in all encounters is the mark of a heavy and cowardly heart, asAgamemnon did, who for that reason is ignominiously taxed by Achilles withhaving dog's eyes and a stag's heart; so, not to fear when the case isevidently dreadful is a sign of want or smallness of judgment. Now, ifanything ought to be feared in this life, next to offending God, I will notsay it is death. I will not meddle with the disputes of Socrates and theacademics, that death of itself is neither bad nor to be feared, but I willaffirm that this kind of shipwreck is to be feared, or nothing is. For, asHomer saith, it is a grievous, dreadful, and unnatural thing to perish atsea. And indeed Aeneas, in the storm that took his fleet near Sicily, wasgrieved that he had not died by the hand of the brave Diomedes, and saidthat those were three, nay four times happy, who perished in theconflagration at Troy. No man here hath lost his life, the Lord ourSaviour be eternally praised for it! but in truth here is a ship sadly outof order. Well, we must take care to have the damage repaired. Take heedwe do not run aground and bulge her. 

Chapter 4. XXIII. 

How Panurge played the good fellow when the storm was over. 

What cheer, ho, fore and aft? quoth Panurge. Oh ho! all is well, the stormis over. I beseech ye, be so kind as to let me be the first that is senton shore; for I would by all means a little untruss a point. Shall I helpyou still? Here, let me see, I will coil this rope; I have plenty ofcourage, and of fear as little as may be. Give it me yonder, honest tar. No, no, I have not a bit of fear. Indeed, that same decumane wave thattook us fore and aft somewhat altered my pulse. Down with your sails; wellsaid. How now, Friar John? you do nothing. Is it time for us to drinknow? Who can tell but St. Martin's running footman Belzebuth may still behatching us some further mischief? Shall I come and help you again? Porkand peas choke me, if I do heartily repent, though too late, not havingfollowed the doctrine of the good philosopher who tells us that to walk bythe sea and to navigate by the shore are very safe and pleasant things;just as 'tis to go on foot when we hold our horse by the bridle. Ha! ha!ha! by G--, all goes well. Shall I help you here too? Let me see, I willdo this as it should be, or the devil's in't. 

Epistemon, who had the inside of one of his hands all flayed and bloody, having held a tackling with might and main, hearing what Pantagruel hadsaid, told him: You may believe, my lord, I had my share of fear as wellas Panurge; yet I spared no pains in lending my helping hand. I consideredthat, since by fatal and unavoidable necessity we must all die, it is theblessed will of God that we die this or that hour, and this or that kind ofdeath. Nevertheless, we ought to implore, invoke, pray, beseech, andsupplicate him; but we must not stop there; it behoveth us also to use ourendeavours on our side, and, as the holy writ saith, to co-operate withhim. 

You know what C. Flaminius, the consul, said when by Hannibal's policy hewas penned up near the lake of Peruse, alias Thrasymene. Friends, said heto his soldiers, you must not hope to get out of this place barely by vowsor prayers to the gods; no, 'tis by fortitude and strength we must escapeand cut ourselves a way with the edge of our swords through the midst ofour enemies. 

Sallust likewise makes M. Portius Cato say this: The help of the gods isnot obtained by idle vows and womanish complaints; 'tis by vigilance, labour, and repeated endeavours that all things succeed according to ourwishes and designs. If a man in time of need and danger is negligent, heartless, and lazy, in vain he implores the gods; they are then justlyangry and incensed against him. The devil take me, said Friar John, --I'llgo his halves, quoth Panurge, --if the close of Seville had not been allgathered, vintaged, gleaned, and destroyed, if I had only sung contrahostium insidias (matter of breviary) like all the rest of the monkingdevils, and had not bestirred myself to save the vineyard as I did, despatching the truant picaroons of Lerne with the staff of the cross. 

Let her sink or swim a God's name, said Panurge, all's one to Friar John;he doth nothing; his name is Friar John Do-little; for all he sees me herea-sweating and puffing to help with all my might this honest tar, first ofthe name. --Hark you me, dear soul, a word with you; but pray be not angry. How thick do you judge the planks of our ship to be? Some two good inchesand upwards, returned the pilot; don't fear. Ods-kilderkins, said Panurge, it seems then we are within two fingers' breadth of damnation. 

Is this one of the nine comforts of matrimony? Ah, dear soul, you do wellto measure the danger by the yard of fear. For my part, I have none on't;my name is William Dreadnought. As for heart, I have more than enoughon't. I mean none of your sheep's heart; but of wolf's heart--the courageof a bravo. By the pavilion of Mars, I fear nothing but danger. 

Chapter 4. XXIV. 

How Panurge was said to have been afraid without reason during the storm. 

Good morrow, gentlemen, said Panurge; good morrow to you all; you are invery good health, thanks to heaven and yourselves; you are all heartilywelcome, and in good time. Let us go on shore. --Here, coxswain, get theladder over the gunnel; man the sides; man the pinnace, and get her by theship's side. Shall I lend you a hand here? I am stark mad for want ofbusiness, and would work like any two yokes of oxen. Truly this is a fineplace, and these look like a very good people. Children, do you want mestill in anything? do not spare the sweat of my body, for God's sake. Adam--that is, man--was made to labour and work, as the birds were made tofly. Our Lord's will is that we get our bread with the sweat of our brows, not idling and doing nothing, like this tatterdemalion of a monk here, thisFriar Jack, who is fain to drink to hearten himself up, and dies for fear. --Rare weather. --I now find the answer of Anacharsis, the noble philosopher, very proper. Being asked what ship he reckoned the safest, he replied:That which is in the harbour. He made a yet better repartee, saidPantagruel, when somebody inquiring which is greater, the number of theliving or that of the dead, he asked them amongst which of the two theyreckoned those that are at sea, ingeniously implying that they arecontinually in danger of death, dying alive, and living die. Portius Catoalso said that there were but three things of which he would repent: ifever he had trusted his wife with his secret, if he had idled away a day, and if he had ever gone by sea to a place which he could visit by land. Bythis dignified frock of mine, said Friar John to Panurge, friend, thou hastbeen afraid during the storm without cause or reason; for thou wert notborn to be drowned, but rather to be hanged and exalted in the air, or tobe roasted in the midst of a jolly bonfire. My lord, would you have a goodcloak for the rain; leave me off your wolf and badger-skin mantle; letPanurge but be flayed, and cover yourself with his hide. But do not comenear the fire, nor near your blacksmith's forges, a God's name; for in amoment you will see it in ashes. Yet be as long as you please in the rain, snow, hail, nay, by the devil's maker, throw yourself or dive down to thevery bottom of the water, I'll engage you'll not be wet at all. Have somewinter boots made of it, they'll never take in a drop of water; makebladders of it to lay under boys to teach them to swim, instead of corks, and they will learn without the least danger. His skin, then, saidPantagruel, should be like the herb called true maiden's hair, which nevertakes wet nor moistness, but still keeps dry, though you lay it at thebottom of the water as long as you please; and for that reason is calledAdiantos. 

Friend Panurge, said Friar John, I pray thee never be afraid of water; thylife for mine thou art threatened with a contrary element. Ay, ay, repliedPanurge, but the devil's cooks dote sometimes, and are apt to make horridblunders as well as others; often putting to boil in water what wasdesigned to be roasted on the fire; like the head-cooks of our kitchen, whooften lard partridges, queests, and stock-doves with intent to roast them, one would think; but it happens sometimes that they e'en turn thepartridges into the pot to be boiled with cabbages, the queests with leekpottage, and the stock-doves with turnips. But hark you me, good friends, I protest before this noble company, that as for the chapel which I vowedto Mons. St. Nicholas between Quande and Montsoreau, I honestly mean thatit shall be a chapel of rose-water, which shall be where neither cow norcalf shall be fed; for between you and I, I intend to throw it to thebottom of the water. Here is a rare rogue for you, said Eusthenes; here isa pure rogue, a rogue in grain, a rogue enough, a rogue and a half. He isresolved to make good the Lombardic proverb, Passato el pericolo, gabbatoel santo. 

 The devil was sick, the devil a monk would be; The devil was well, the devil a monk was he. 

Chapter 4. XXV. 

How, after the storm, Pantagruel went on shore in the islands of theMacreons. 

Immediately after we went ashore at the port of an island which they calledthe island of the Macreons. The good people of the place received us veryhonourably. An old Macrobius (so they called their eldest elderman)desired Pantagruel to come to the town-house to refresh himself and eatsomething, but he would not budge a foot from the mole till all his menwere landed. After he had seen them, he gave order that they should allchange clothes, and that some of all the stores in the fleet should bebrought on shore, that every ship's crew might live well; which wasaccordingly done, and God wot how well they all toped and caroused. Thepeople of the place brought them provisions in abundance. ThePantagruelists returned them more; as the truth is, theirs were somewhatdamaged by the late storm. When they had well stuffed the insides of theirdoublets, Pantagruel desired everyone to lend their help to repair thedamage; which they readily did. It was easy enough to refit there; for allthe inhabitants of the island were carpenters and all such handicrafts asare seen in the arsenal at Venice. None but the largest island wasinhabited, having three ports and ten parishes; the rest being overrun withwood and desert, much like the forest of Arden. We entreated the oldMacrobius to show us what was worth seeing in the island; which he did; andin the desert and dark forest we discovered several old ruined temples, obelisks, pyramids, monuments, and ancient tombs, with divers inscriptionsand epitaphs; some of them in hieroglyphic characters; others in the Ionicdialect; some in the Arabic, Agarenian, Slavonian, and other tongues; ofwhich Epistemon took an exact account. In the interim, Panurge said toFriar John, Is this the island of the Macreons? Macreon signifies in Greekan old man, or one much stricken in years. What is that to me? said FriarJohn; how can I help it? I was not in the country when they christened it. Now I think on't, quoth Panurge, I believe the name of mackerel (Motteuxadds, between brackets, --'that's a Bawd in French. ') was derived from it;for procuring is the province of the old, as buttock-riggling is that ofthe young. Therefore I do not know but this may be the bawdy or MackerelIsland, the original and prototype of the island of that name at Paris. Let's go and dredge for cock-oysters. Old Macrobius asked, in the Ionictongue, How, and by what industry and labour, Pantagruel got to their portthat day, there having been such blustering weather and such a dreadfulstorm at sea. Pantagruel told him that the Almighty Preserver of mankindhad regarded the simplicity and sincere affection of his servants, who didnot travel for gain or sordid profit, the sole design of their voyage beinga studious desire to know, see, and visit the Oracle of Bacbuc, and takethe word of the Bottle upon some difficulties offered by one of thecompany; nevertheless this had not been without great affliction andevident danger of shipwreck. After that, he asked him what he judged to bethe cause of that terrible tempest, and if the adjacent seas were thusfrequently subject to storms; as in the ocean are the Ratz of Sammaieu, Maumusson, and in the Mediterranean sea the Gulf of Sataly, Montargentan, Piombino, Capo Melio in Laconia, the Straits of Gibraltar, Faro di Messina, and others. 

Chapter 4. XXVI. 

How the good Macrobius gave us an account of the mansion and decease of theheroes. 

The good Macrobius then answered, Friendly strangers, this island is one ofthe Sporades; not of your Sporades that lie in the Carpathian sea, but oneof the Sporades of the ocean; in former times rich, frequented, wealthy, populous, full of traffic, and in the dominions of the rulers of Britain, but now, by course of time, and in these latter ages of the world, poor anddesolate, as you see. In this dark forest, above seventy-eight thousandPersian leagues in compass, is the dwelling-place of the demons and heroesthat are grown old, and we believe that some one of them died yesterday;since the comet which we saw for three days before together, shines nomore; and now it is likely that at his death there arose this horriblestorm; for while they are alive all happiness attends both this and theadjacent islands, and a settled calm and serenity. At the death of everyone of them, we commonly hear in the forest loud and mournful groans, andthe whole land is infested with pestilence, earthquakes, inundations, andother calamities; the air with fogs and obscurity, and the sea with stormsand hurricanes. What you tell us seems to me likely enough, saidPantagruel. For as a torch or candle, as long as it hath life enough andis lighted, shines round about, disperses its light, delights those thatare near it, yields them its service and clearness, and never causes anypain or displeasure; but as soon as 'tis extinguished, its smoke andevaporation infects the air, offends the bystanders, and is noisome to all;so, as long as those noble and renowned souls inhabit their bodies, peace, profit, pleasure, and honour never leave the places where they abide; butas soon as they leave them, both the continent and adjacent islands areannoyed with great commotions; in the air fogs, darkness, thunder, hail;tremblings, pulsations, agitations of the earth; storms and hurricanes atsea; together with sad complaints amongst the people, broaching ofreligions, changes in governments, and ruins of commonwealths. 

We had a sad instance of this lately, said Epistemon, at the death of thatvaliant and learned knight, William du Bellay; during whose life Franceenjoyed so much happiness, that all the rest of the world looked upon itwith envy, sought friendship with it, and stood in awe of its power; butsoon after his decease it hath for a considerable time been the scorn ofthe rest of the world. 

Thus, said Pantagruel, Anchises being dead at Drepani in Sicily, Aeneas wasdreadfully tossed and endangered by a storm; and perhaps for the samereason Herod, that tyrant and cruel King of Judaea, finding himself nearthe pangs of a horrid kind of death--for he died of a phthiriasis, devouredby vermin and lice; as before him died L. Sylla, Pherecydes the Syrian, thepreceptor of Pythagoras, the Greek poet Alcmaeon, and others--andforeseeing that the Jews would make bonfires at his death, caused all thenobles and magistrates to be summoned to his seraglio out of all thecities, towns, and castles of Judaea, fraudulently pretending that he hadsome things of moment to impart to them. They made their personalappearance; whereupon he caused them all to be shut up in the hippodrome ofthe seraglio; then said to his sister Salome and Alexander her husband: Iam certain that the Jews will rejoice at my death; but if you will observeand perform what I tell you, my funeral shall be honourable, and there willbe a general mourning. As soon as you see me dead, let my guards, to whomI have already given strict commission to that purpose, kill all thenoblemen and magistrates that are secured in the hippodrome. By thesemeans all Jewry shall, in spite of themselves, be obliged to mourn andlament, and foreigners will imagine it to be for my death, as if someheroic soul had left her body. A desperate tyrant wished as much when hesaid, When I die, let earth and fire be mixed together; which was as goodas to say, let the whole world perish. Which saying the tyrant Neroaltered, saying, While I live, as Suetonius affirms it. This detestablesaying, of which Cicero, lib. De Finib. , and Seneca, lib. 2, De Clementia, make mention, is ascribed to the Emperor Tiberius by Dion Nicaeus andSuidas. 

Chapter 4. XXVII. 

Pantagruel's discourse of the decease of heroic souls; and of the dreadfulprodigies that happened before the death of the late Lord de Langey. 

I would not, continued Pantagruel, have missed the storm that hath thusdisordered us, were I also to have missed the relation of these things toldus by this good Macrobius. Neither am I unwilling to believe what he saidof a comet that appears in the sky some days before such a decease. Forsome of those souls are so noble, so precious, and so heroic that heavengives us notice of their departing some days before it happens. And as aprudent physician, seeing by some symptoms that his patient draws towardshis end, some days before gives notice of it to his wife, children, kindred, and friends, that, in that little time he hath yet to live, theymay admonish him to settle all things in his family, to tutor and instructhis children as much as he can, recommend his relict to his friends in herwidowhood, and declare what he knows to be necessary about a provision forthe orphans; that he may not be surprised by death without making his will, and may take care of his soul and family; in the same manner the heavens, as it were joyful for the approaching reception of those blessed souls, seem to make bonfires by those comets and blazing meteors, which they atthe same time kindly design should prognosticate to us here that in a fewdays one of those venerable souls is to leave her body and this terrestrialglobe. Not altogether unlike this was what was formerly done at Athens bythe judges of the Areopagus. For when they gave their verdict to cast orclear the culprits that were tried before them, they used certain notesaccording to the substance of the sentences; by Theta signifyingcondemnation to death; by T, absolution; by A, ampliation or a demur, whenthe case was not sufficiently examined. Thus having publicly set up thoseletters, they eased the relations and friends of the prisoners, and suchothers as desired to know their doom, of their doubts. Likewise by thesecomets, as in ethereal characters, the heavens silently say to us, Makehaste, mortals, if you would know or learn of the blessed souls anythingconcerning the public good or your private interest; for their catastropheis near, which being past, you will vainly wish for them afterwards. 

The good-natured heavens still do more; and that mankind may be declaredunworthy of the enjoyment of those renowned souls, they fright and astonishus with prodigies, monsters, and other foreboding signs that thwart theorder of nature. 

Of this we had an instance several days before the decease of the heroicsoul of the learned and valiant Chevalier de Langey, of whom you havealready spoken. I remember it, said Epistemon; and my heart still trembleswithin me when I think on the many dreadful prodigies that we saw five orsix days before he died. For the Lords D'Assier, Chemant, one-eyed Mailly, St. Ayl, Villeneufue-la-Guyart, Master Gabriel, physician of Savillan, Rabelais, Cohuau, Massuau, Majorici, Bullou, Cercu, alias Bourgmaistre, Francis Proust, Ferron, Charles Girard, Francis Bourre, and many otherfriends and servants to the deceased, all dismayed, gazed on each otherwithout uttering one word; yet not without foreseeing that France would ina short time be deprived of a knight so accomplished and necessary for itsglory and protection, and that heaven claimed him again as its due. By thetufted tip of my cowl, cried Friar John, I am e'en resolved to become ascholar before I die. I have a pretty good headpiece of my own, you mustown. Now pray give me leave to ask you a civil question. Can these sameheroes or demigods you talk of die? May I never be damned if I was not somuch a lobcock as to believe they had been immortal, like so many fineangels. Heaven forgive me! but this most reverend father, Macroby, tellsus they die at last. Not all, returned Pantagruel. 

The Stoics held them all to be mortal, except one, who alone is immortal, impassible, invisible. Pindar plainly saith that there is no more thread, that is to say, no more life, spun from the distaff and flax of thehard-hearted Fates for the goddesses Hamadryades than there is for thosetrees that are preserved by them, which are good, sturdy, downright oaks;whence they derived their original, according to the opinion of Callimachusand Pausanias in Phoci. With whom concurs Martianus Capella. As for thedemigods, fauns, satyrs, sylvans, hobgoblins, aegipanes, nymphs, heroes, anddemons, several men have, from the total sum, which is the result of thedivers ages calculated by Hesiod, reckoned their life to be 9720 years; thatsum consisting of four special numbers orderly arising from one, the sameadded together and multiplied by four every way amounts to forty; theseforties, being reduced into triangles by five times, make up the total ofthe aforesaid number. See Plutarch, in his book about the Cessation ofOracles. 

This, said Friar John, is not matter of breviary; I may believe as littleor as much of it as you and I please. I believe, said Pantagruel, that allintellectual souls are exempted from Atropos's scissors. They are allimmortal, whether they be of angels, or demons, or human; yet I will tellyou a story concerning this that is very strange, but is written andaffirmed by several learned historians. 

Chapter 4. XXVIII. 

How Pantagruel related a very sad story of the death of the heroes. 

Epitherses, the father of Aemilian the rhetorician, sailing from Greece toItaly in a ship freighted with divers goods and passengers, at night thewind failed 'em near the Echinades, some islands that lie between the Moreaand Tunis, and the vessel was driven near Paxos. When they were gotthither, some of the passengers being asleep, others awake, the rest eatingand drinking, a voice was heard that called aloud, Thamous! which crysurprised them all. This same Thamous was their pilot, an Egyptian bybirth, but known by name only to some few travellers. The voice was hearda second time calling Thamous, in a frightful tone; and none making answer, but trembling and remaining silent, the voice was heard a third time, moredreadful than before. 

This caused Thamous to answer: Here am I; what dost thou call me for?What wilt thou have me do? Then the voice, louder than before, bid himpublish when he should come to Palodes, that the great god Pan was dead. 

Epitherses related that all the mariners and passengers, having heard this, were extremely amazed and frighted; and that, consulting among themselveswhether they had best conceal or divulge what the voice had enjoined, Thamous said his advice was that if they happened to have a fair wind theyshould proceed without mentioning a word on't, but if they chanced to bebecalmed he would publish what he had heard. Now when they were nearPalodes they had no wind, neither were they in any current. Thamous thengetting up on the top of the ship's forecastle, and casting his eyes on theshore, said that he had been commanded to proclaim that the great god Panwas dead. The words were hardly out of his mouth, when deep groans, greatlamentations, and doleful shrieks, not of one person, but of many together, were heard from the land. 

The news of this--many being present then--was soon spread at Rome;insomuch that Tiberius, who was then emperor, sent for this Thamous, andhaving heard him gave credit to his words. And inquiring of the learned inhis court and at Rome who was that Pan, he found by their relation that hewas the son of Mercury and Penelope, as Herodotus and Cicero in his thirdbook of the Nature of the Gods had written before. 

For my part, I understand it of that great Saviour of the faithful who wasshamefully put to death at Jerusalem by the envy and wickedness of thedoctors, priests, and monks of the Mosaic law. And methinks myinterpretation is not improper; for he may lawfully be said in the Greektongue to be Pan, since he is our all. For all that we are, all that welive, all that we have, all that we hope, is him, by him, from him, and inhim. He is the good Pan, the great shepherd, who, as the loving shepherdCorydon affirms, hath not only a tender love and affection for his sheep, but also for their shepherds. At his death, complaints, sighs, fears, andlamentations were spread through the whole fabric of the universe, whetherheavens, land, sea, or hell. 

The time also concurs with this interpretation of mine; for this most good, most mighty Pan, our only Saviour, died near Jerusalem during the reign ofTiberius Caesar. 

Pantagruel, having ended this discourse, remained silent and full ofcontemplation. A little while after we saw the tears flow out of his eyesas big as ostrich's eggs. God take me presently if I tell you one singlesyllable of a lie in the matter. 

Chapter 4. XXIX. 

How Pantagruel sailed by the Sneaking Island, where Shrovetide reigned. 

The jovial fleet being refitted and repaired, new stores taken in, theMacreons over and above satisfied and pleased with the money spent there byPantagruel, our men in better humour than they used to be, if possible, wemerrily put to sea the next day, near sunset, with a delicious fresh gale. 

Xenomanes showed us afar off the Sneaking Island, where reigned Shrovetide, of whom Pantagruel had heard much talk formerly; for that reason he wouldgladly have seen him in person, had not Xenomanes advised him to thecontrary; first, because this would have been much out of our way, and thenfor the lean cheer which he told us was to be found at that prince's court, and indeed all over the island. 

You can see nothing there for your money, said he, but a huge greedy-guts, a tall woundy swallower of hot wardens and mussels; a long-shankedmole-catcher; an overgrown bottler of hay; a mossy-chinned demi-giant, witha double shaven crown, of lantern breed; a very great loitering noddy-peakedyoungster, banner-bearer to the fish-eating tribe, dictator of mustard-land, flogger of little children, calciner of ashes, father and foster-father tophysicians, swarming with pardons, indulgences, and stations; a very honestman; a good catholic, and as brimful of devotion as ever he can hold. 

He weeps the three-fourth parts of the day, and never assists at anyweddings; but, give the devil his due, he is the most industriouslarding-stick and skewer-maker in forty kingdoms. 

About six years ago, as I passed by Sneaking-land, I brought home a largeskewer from thence, and made a present of it to the butchers of Quande, whoset a great value upon them, and that for a cause. Some time or other, ifever we live to come back to our own country, I will show you two of themfastened on the great church porch. His usual food is pickled coats ofmail, salt helmets and head-pieces, and salt sallets; which sometimes makeshim piss pins and needles. As for his clothing, 'tis comical enough o'conscience, both for make and colour; for he wears grey and cold, nothingbefore, and nought behind, with the sleeves of the same. 

You will do me a kindness, said Pantagruel, if, as you have described hisclothes, food, actions, and pastimes, you will also give me an account ofhis shape and disposition in all his parts. Prithee do, dear cod, saidFriar John, for I have found him in my breviary, and then follow themovable holy days. With all my heart, answered Xenomanes; we may chance tohear more of him as we touch at the Wild Island, the dominions of the squabChitterlings, his enemies, against whom he is eternally at odds; and wereit not for the help of the noble Carnival, their protector and goodneighbour, this meagre-looked lozelly Shrovetide would long before thishave made sad work among them, and rooted them out of their habitation. Are these same Chitterlings, said Friar John, male or female, angels ormortals, women or maids? They are, replied Xenomanes, females in sex, mortal in kind, some of them maids, others not. The devil have me, saidFriar John, if I ben't for them. What a shameful disorder in nature, is itnot, to make war against women? Let's go back and hack the villain topieces. What! meddle with Shrovetide? cried Panurge, in the name ofBeelzebub, I am not yet so weary of my life. No, I'm not yet so mad asthat comes to. Quid juris? Suppose we should find ourselves pent upbetween the Chitterlings and Shrovetide? between the anvil and the hammers?Shankers and buboes! stand off! godzooks, let us make the best of our way. I bid you good night, sweet Mr. Shrovetide; I recommend to you theChitterlings, and pray don't forget the puddings. 

Chapter 4. XXX. 

How Shrovetide is anatomized and described by Xenomanes. 

As for the inward parts of Shrovetide, said Xenomanes; his brain is (atleast, it was in my time) in bigness, colours, substance, and strength, much like the left cod of a he hand-worm. 

The ventricles of his said brain, The stomach, like a belt. Like an auger. The pylorus, like a pitchfork. The worm-like excrescence, like The windpipe, like an oyster- a Christmas-box. Knife. The membranes, like a monk's The throat, like a pincushion cowl. Stuffed with oakum. The funnel, like a mason's chisel. The lungs, like a prebend'sThe fornix, like a casket. Fur-gown. The glandula pinealis, like a bag- The heart, like a cope. Pipe. The mediastine, like an earthenThe rete mirabile, like a gutter. Cup. The dug-like processus, like a The pleura, like a crow's bill. Patch. The arteries, like a watch-coat. The tympanums, like a whirli- The midriff, like a montero-cap. Gig. The liver, like a double-tonguedThe rocky bones, like a goose- mattock. Wing. The veins, like a sash-window. The nape of the neck, like a paper The spleen, like a catcall. Lantern. The guts, like a trammel. The nerves, like a pipkin. The gall, like a cooper's adze. The uvula, like a sackbut. The entrails, like a gauntlet. The palate, like a mitten. The mesentery, like an abbot'sThe spittle, like a shuttle. Mitre. The almonds, like a telescope. The hungry gut, like a button. The bridge of his nose, like a The blind gut, like a breastplate. Wheelbarrow. The colon, like a bridle. The head of the larynx, like a The arse-gut, like a monk's vintage-basket. Leathern bottle. The kidneys, like a trowel. The ligaments, like a tinker'sThe loins, like a padlock. Budget. The ureters, like a pothook. The bones, like three-corneredThe emulgent veins, like two cheesecakes. Gilliflowers. The marrow, like a wallet. The spermatic vessels, like a The cartilages, like a field- cully-mully-puff. Tortoise, alias a mole. The parastata, like an inkpot. The glandules in the mouth, likeThe bladder, like a stone-bow. A pruning-knife. The neck, like a mill-clapper. The animal spirits, like swingeingThe mirach, or lower parts of the fisticuffs. Belly, like a high-crowned hat. The blood-fermenting, like aThe siphach, or its inner rind, multiplication of flirts on the like a wooden cuff. Nose. The muscles, like a pair of bellows. The urine, like a figpecker. The tendons, like a hawking- The sperm, like a hundred glove. Ten-penny nails. 

And his nurse told me, that being married to Mid-lent, he only begot a goodnumber of local adverbs and certain double fasts. 

His memory he had like a scarf. His undertakings, like the ballastHis common sense, like a buzzing of a galleon. Of bees. His understanding, like a tornHis imagination, like the chime breviary. Of a set of bells. His notions, like snails crawlingHis thoughts, like a flight of star- out of strawberries. Lings. His will, like three filberts in aHis conscience, like the unnest- porringer. Ling of a parcel of young His desire, like six trusses of hay. Herons. His judgment, like a shoeing-His deliberations, like a set of horn. Organs. His discretion, like the truckle ofHis repentance, like the carriage a pulley. Of a double cannon. His reason, like a cricket. 

Chapter 4. XXXI. 

Shrovetide's outward parts anatomized. 

Shrovetide, continued Xenomanes, is somewhat better proportioned in hisoutward parts, excepting the seven ribs which he had over and above thecommon shape of men. 

His toes were like a virginal on The peritoneum, or caul wherein an organ. His bowels were wrapped, likeHis nails, like a gimlet. A billiard-table. His feet, like a guitar. His back, like an overgrown rack-His heels, like a club. Bent crossbow. The soles of his feet, like a cru- The vertebrae, or joints of his cible. Backbone, like a bagpipe. His legs, like a hawk's lure. His ribs, like a spinning-wheel. His knees, like a joint-stool. His brisket, like a canopy. His thighs, like a steel cap. His shoulder-blades, like a mortar. His hips, like a wimble. His breast, like a game at nine-His belly as big as a tun, buttoned pins. After the old fashion, with a His paps, like a hornpipe. Girdle riding over the middle His armpits, like a chequer. Of his bosom. His shoulders, like a hand-barrow. His navel, like a cymbal. His arms, like a riding-hood. His groin, like a minced pie. His fingers, like a brotherhood'sHis member, like a slipper. Andirons. His purse, like an oil cruet. The fibulae, or lesser bones of hisHis genitals, like a joiner's planer. Legs, like a pair of stilts. Their erecting muscles, like a His shin-bones, like sickles. Racket. His elbows, like a mouse-trap. The perineum, like a flageolet. His hands, like a curry-comb. His arse-hole, like a crystal look- His neck, like a talboy. Ing-glass. His throat, like a felt to distil hip-His bum, like a harrow. Pocras. The knob in his throat, like a His loins, like a butter-pot. Barrel, where hanged two His jaws, like a caudle cup. Brazen wens, very fine and His teeth, like a hunter's staff. Harmonious, in the shape of an Of such colt's teeth as his, hourglass. You will find one at ColongesHis beard, like a lantern. Les Royaux in Poitou, andHis chin, like a mushroom. Two at La Brosse in Xaintonge, His ears, like a pair of gloves. On the cellar door. His nose, like a buskin. His tongue, like a jew's-harp. His nostrils, like a forehead cloth. His mouth, like a horse-cloth. His eyebrows, like a dripping-pan. His face embroidered like a mule'sOn his left brow was a mark of pack-saddle. The shape and bigness of an His head contrived like a still. Urinal. His skull, like a pouch. His eyelids, like a fiddle. The suturae, or seams of his skull, His eyes, like a comb-box. Like the annulus piscatoris, orHis optic nerves, like a tinder- the fisher's signet. Box. His skin, like a gabardine. His forehead, like a false cup. His epidermis, or outward skin, His temples, like the cock of a like a bolting-cloth. Cistern. His hair, like a scrubbing-brush. His cheeks, like a pair of wooden His fur, such as above said. Shoes. 

Chapter 4. XXXII. 

A continuation of Shrovetide's countenance. 

'Tis a wonderful thing, continued Xenomanes, to hear and see the state ofShrovetide. 

If he chanced to spit, it was whole When he trembled, it was large basketsful of goldfinches. Venison pasties. If he blowed his nose, it was When he did sweat, it was old pickled grigs. Ling with butter sauce. When he wept, it was ducks with When he belched, it was bushels onion sauce. Of oysters. When he sneezed, it was whole When he muttered, it was lawyers' tubfuls of mustard. Revels. When he coughed, it was boxes When he hopped about, it was of marmalade. Letters of licence and protec-When he sobbed, it was water- tions. Cresses. When he stepped back, it wasWhen he yawned, it was potfuls sea cockle-shells. Of pickled peas. When he slabbered, it was com-When he sighed, it was dried mon ovens. Neats' tongues. When he was hoarse, it was anWhen he whistled, it was a whole entry of morrice-dancers. Scuttleful of green apes. When he broke wind, it was dunWhen he snored, it was a whole cows' leather spatterdashes. Panful of fried beans. When he funked, it was washed-When he frowned, it was soused leather boots. Hogs' feet. When he scratched himself, itWhen he spoke, it was coarse was new proclamations. Brown russet cloth; so little When he sung, it was peas in it was like crimson silk, with cods. Which Parisatis desired that When he evacuated, it was mush- the words of such as spoke to rooms and morilles. Her son Cyrus, King of Persia, When he puffed, it was cabbages should be interwoven. With oil, alias caules amb'olif. When he blowed, it was indulg- When he talked, it was the last ence money-boxes. Year's snow. When he winked, it was buttered When he dreamt, it was of a buns. Cock and a bull. When he grumbled, it was March When he gave nothing, so much cats. For the bearer. When he nodded, it was iron- If he thought to himself, it was bound waggons. Whimsies and maggots. When he made mouths, it was If he dozed, it was leases of lands. Broken staves. 

What is yet more strange, he used to work doing nothing, and did nothingthough he worked; caroused sleeping, and slept carousing, with his eyesopen, like the hares in our country, for fear of being taken napping by theChitterlings, his inveterate enemies; biting he laughed, and laughing bit;eat nothing fasting, and fasted eating nothing; mumbled upon suspicion, drank by imagination, swam on the tops of high steeples, dried his clothesin ponds and rivers, fished in the air, and there used to catch decumanelobsters; hunted at the bottom of the herring-pond, and caught thereibexes, stamboucs, chamois, and other wild goats; used to put out the eyesof all the crows which he took sneakingly; feared nothing but his ownshadow and the cries of fat kids; used to gad abroad some days, like atruant schoolboy; played with the ropes of bells on festival days ofsaints; made a mallet of his fist, and writ on hairy parchmentprognostications and almanacks with his huge pin-case. 

Is that the gentleman? said Friar John. He is my man; this is the veryfellow I looked for. I will send him a challenge immediately. This is, said Pantagruel, a strange and monstrous sort of man, if I may call him aman. You put me in mind of the form and looks of Amodunt and Dissonance. How were they made? said Friar John. May I be peeled like a raw onion ifever I heard a word of them. I'll tell you what I read of them in someancient apologues, replied Pantagruel. 

Physis--that is to say, Nature--at her first burthen begat Beauty andHarmony without carnal copulation, being of herself very fruitful andprolific. Antiphysis, who ever was the counter part of Nature, immediately, out of a malicious spite against her for her beautiful andhonourable productions, in opposition begot Amodunt and Dissonance bycopulation with Tellumon. Their heads were round like a football, and notgently flatted on both sides, like the common shape of men. Their earsstood pricked up like those of asses; their eyes, as hard as those ofcrabs, and without brows, stared out of their heads, fixed on bones likethose of our heels; their feet were round like tennis-balls; their arms andhands turned backwards towards their shoulders; and they walked on theirheads, continually turning round like a ball, topsy-turvy, heels over head. 

Yet--as you know that apes esteem their young the handsomest in the world--Antiphysis extolled her offspring, and strove to prove that their shapewas handsomer and neater than that of the children of Physis, saying thatthus to have spherical heads and feet, and walk in a circular manner, wheeling round, had something in it of the perfection of the divine power, which makes all beings eternally turn in that fashion; and that to have ourfeet uppermost, and the head below them, was to imitate the Creator of theuniverse; the hair being like the roots, and the legs like the branches ofman; for trees are better planted by their roots than they could be by theirbranches. By this demonstration she implied that her children were muchmore to be praised for being like a standing tree, than those of Physis, that made a figure of a tree upside down. As for the arms and hands, shepretended to prove that they were more justly turned towards the shoulders, because that part of the body ought not to be without defence, while theforepart is duly fenced with teeth, which a man cannot only use to chew, butalso to defend himself against those things that offend him. Thus, by thetestimony and astipulation of the brute beasts, she drew all the witlessherd and mob of fools into her opinion, and was admired by all brainless andnonsensical people. 

Since that, she begot the hypocritical tribes of eavesdropping dissemblers, superstitious pope-mongers, and priest-ridden bigots, the franticPistolets, (the demoniacal Calvins, impostors of Geneva, ) the scrapers ofbenefices, apparitors with the devil in them, and other grinders andsqueezers of livings, herb-stinking hermits, gulligutted dunces of thecowl, church vermin, false zealots, devourers of the substance of men, andmany more other deformed and ill-favoured monsters, made in spite ofnature. 

Chapter 4. XXXIII. 

How Pantagruel discovered a monstrous physeter, or whirlpool, near the WildIsland. 

About sunset, coming near the Wild Island, Pantagruel spied afar off a hugemonstrous physeter (a sort of whale, which some call a whirlpool), thatcame right upon us, neighing, snorting, raised above the waves higher thanour main-tops, and spouting water all the way into the air before itself, like a large river falling from a mountain. Pantagruel showed it to thepilot and to Xenomanes. 

By the pilot's advice the trumpets of the Thalamege were sounded to warnall the fleet to stand close and look to themselves. This alarm beinggiven, all the ships, galleons, frigates, brigantines, according to theirnaval discipline, placed themselves in the order and figure of an Y(upsilon), the letter of Pythagoras, as cranes do in their flight, and likean acute angle, in whose cone and basis the Thalamege placed herself readyto fight smartly. Friar John with the grenadiers got on the forecastle. 

Poor Panurge began to cry and howl worse than ever. Babille-babou, saidhe, shrugging up his shoulders, quivering all over with fear, there will bethe devil upon dun. This is a worse business than that t'other day. Letus fly, let us fly; old Nick take me if it is not Leviathan, described bythe noble prophet Moses in the life of patient Job. It will swallow usall, ships and men, shag, rag, and bobtail, like a dose of pills. Alas! itwill make no more of us, and we shall hold no more room in its hellishjaws, than a sugarplum in an ass's throat. Look, look, 'tis upon us; letus wheel off, whip it away, and get ashore. I believe 'tis the veryindividual sea-monster that was formerly designed to devour Andromeda; weare all undone. Oh! for some valiant Perseus here now to kill the dog. 

I'll do its business presently, said Pantagruel; fear nothing. Ods-belly, said Panurge, remove the cause of my fear then. When the devil would youhave a man be afraid but when there is so much cause? If your destiny besuch as Friar John was saying a while ago, replied Pantagruel, you ought tobe afraid of Pyroeis, Eous, Aethon, and Phlegon, the sun's coach-horses, that breathe fire at the nostrils; and not of physeters, that spout nothingbut water at the snout and mouth. Their water will not endanger your life;and that element will rather save and preserve than hurt or endanger you. 

Ay, ay, trust to that, and hang me, quoth Panurge; yours is a very prettyfancy. Ods-fish! did I not give you a sufficient account of the elements'transmutation, and the blunders that are made of roast for boiled, andboiled for roast? Alas! here 'tis; I'll go hide myself below. We are deadmen, every mother's son of us. I see upon our main-top that merciless hagAtropos, with her scissors new ground, ready to cut our threads all at onesnip. Oh! how dreadful and abominable thou art; thou hast drowned a goodmany beside us, who never made their brags of it. Did it but spout good, brisk, dainty, delicious white wine, instead of this damned bitter saltwater, one might better bear with it, and there would be some cause to bepatient; like that English lord, who being doomed to die, and had leave tochoose what kind of death he would, chose to be drowned in a butt ofmalmsey. Here it is. Oh, oh! devil! Sathanas! Leviathan! I cannotabide to look upon thee, thou art so abominably ugly. Go to the bar, gotake the pettifoggers. 

Chapter 4. XXXIV. 

How the monstrous physeter was slain by Pantagruel. 

The physeter, coming between the ships and the galleons, threw water bywhole tuns upon them, as if it had been the cataracts of the Nile inEthiopia. On the other side, arrows, darts, gleaves, javelins, spears, harping-irons, and partizans, flew upon it like hail. Friar John did notspare himself in it. Panurge was half dead for fear. The artillery roaredand thundered like mad, and seemed to gall it in good earnest, but did butlittle good; for the great iron and brass cannon-shot entering its skinseemed to melt like tiles in the sun. 

Pantagruel then, considering the weight and exigency of the matter, stretched out his arms and showed what he could do. You tell us, and it isrecorded, that Commudus, the Roman emperor, could shoot with a bow sodexterously that at a good distance he would let fly an arrow through achild's fingers and never touch them. You also tell us of an Indianarcher, who lived when Alexander the Great conquered India, and was soskilful in drawing the bow, that at a considerable distance he would shoothis arrows through a ring, though they were three cubits long, and theiriron so large and weighty that with them he used to pierce steel cutlasses, thick shields, steel breastplates, and generally what he did hit, how firm, resisting, hard, and strong soever it were. You also tell us wonders ofthe industry of the ancient Franks, who were preferred to all others inpoint of archery; and when they hunted either black or dun beasts, used torub the head of their arrows with hellebore, because the flesh of thevenison struck with such an arrow was more tender, dainty, wholesome, anddelicious--paring off, nevertheless, the part that was touched round about. You also talk of the Parthians, who used to shoot backwards moredexterously than other nations forwards; and also celebrate the skill ofthe Scythians in that art, who sent once to Darius, King of Persia, anambassador that made him a present of a bird, a frog, a mouse, and fivearrows, without speaking one word; and being asked what those presentsmeant, and if he had commission to say anything, answered that he had not;which puzzled and gravelled Darius very much, till Gobrias, one of theseven captains that had killed the magi, explained it, saying to Darius:By these gifts and offerings the Scythians silently tell you that exceptthe Persians like birds fly up to heaven, or like mice hide themselves nearthe centre of the earth, or like frogs dive to the very bottom of ponds andlakes, they shall be destroyed by the power and arrows of the Scythians. 

The noble Pantagruel was, without comparison, more admirable yet in the artof shooting and darting; for with his dreadful piles and darts, nearlyresembling the huge beams that support the bridges of Nantes, Saumur, Bergerac, and at Paris the millers' and the changers' bridges, in length, size, weight, and iron-work, he at a mile's distance would open an oysterand never touch the edges; he would snuff a candle without putting it out;would shoot a magpie in the eye; take off a boot's under-sole, or ariding-hood's lining, without soiling them a bit; turn over every leafof Friar John's breviary, one after another, and not tear one. 

With such darts, of which there was good store in the ship, at the firstblow he ran the physeter in at the forehead so furiously that he piercedboth its jaws and tongue; so that from that time to this it no more openedits guttural trapdoor, nor drew and spouted water. At the second blow heput out its right eye, and at the third its left; and we had all thepleasure to see the physeter bearing those three horns in its forehead, somewhat leaning forwards in an equilateral triangle. 

Meanwhile it turned about to and fro, staggering and straying like onestunned, blinded, and taking his leave of the world. Pantagruel, notsatisfied with this, let fly another dart, which took the monster under thetail likewise sloping; then with three other on the chine, in aperpendicular line, divided its flank from the tail to the snout at anequal distance. Then he larded it with fifty on one side, and after that, to make even work, he darted as many on its other side; so that the body ofthe physeter seemed like the hulk of a galleon with three masts, joined bya competent dimension of its beams, as if they had been the ribs andchain-wales of the keel; which was a pleasant sight. The physeter thengiving up the ghost, turned itself upon its back, as all dead fishes do; andbeing thus overturned, with the beams and darts upside down in the sea, itseemed a scolopendra or centipede, as that serpent is described by theancient sage Nicander. 

Chapter 4. XXXV. 

How Pantagruel went on shore in the Wild Island, the ancient abode of theChitterlings. 

The boat's crew of the ship Lantern towed the physeter ashore on theneighbouring shore, which happened to be the Wild Island, to make ananatomical dissection of its body and save the fat of its kidneys, which, they said, was very useful and necessary for the cure of a certaindistemper, which they called want of money. As for Pantagruel, he took nomanner of notice of the monster; for he had seen many such, nay, bigger, inthe Gallic ocean. Yet he condescended to land in the Wild Island, to dryand refresh some of his men (whom the physeter had wetted and bedaubed), ata small desert seaport towards the south, seated near a fine pleasantgrove, out of which flowed a delicious brook of fresh, clear, and purlingwater. Here they pitched their tents and set up their kitchens; nor didthey spare fuel. 

Everyone having shifted as they thought fit, Friar John rang the bell, andthe cloth was immediately laid, and supper brought in. Pantagruel eatingcheerfully with his men, much about the second course perceived certainlittle sly Chitterlings clambering up a high tree near the pantry, as stillas so many mice. Which made him ask Xenomanes what kind of creatures thesewere, taking them for squirrels, weasels, martins, or ermines. They areChitterlings, replied Xenomanes. This is the Wild Island of which I spoketo you this morning; there hath been an irreconcilable war this long timebetween them and Shrovetide, their malicious and ancient enemy. I believethat the noise of the guns which we fired at the physeter hath alarmedthem, and made them fear their enemy was come with his forces to surprisethem, or lay the island waste, as he hath often attempted to do; though hestill came off but bluely, by reason of the care and vigilance of theChitterlings, who (as Dido said to Aeneas's companions that would havelanded at Carthage without her leave or knowledge) were forced to watch andstand upon their guard, considering the malice of their enemy and theneighbourhood of his territories. 

Pray, dear friend, said Pantagruel, if you find that by some honest meanswe may bring this war to an end, and reconcile them together, give menotice of it; I will use my endeavours in it with all my heart, and sparenothing on my side to moderate and accommodate the points in disputebetween both parties. 

That's impossible at this time, answered Xenomanes. About four years ago, passing incognito by this country, I endeavoured to make a peace, or atleast a long truce among them; and I had certainly brought them to be goodfriends and neighbours if both one and the other parties would have yieldedto one single article. Shrovetide would not include in the treaty of peacethe wild puddings nor the highland sausages, their ancient gossips andconfederates. The Chitterlings demanded that the fort of Cacques might beunder their government, as is the Castle of Sullouoir, and that a parcel ofI don't know what stinking villains, murderers, robbers, that held it then, should be expelled. But they could not agree in this, and the terms thatwere offered seemed too hard to either party. So the treaty broke off, andnothing was done. Nevertheless, they became less severe, and gentlerenemies than they were before; but since the denunciation of the nationalCouncil of Chesil, whereby they were roughly handled, hampered, and cited;whereby also Shrovetide was declared filthy, beshitten, and berayed, incase he made any league or agreement with them; they are grown wonderfullyinveterate, incensed, and obstinate against one another, and there is noway to remedy it. You might sooner reconcile cats and rats, or hounds andhares together. 

Chapter 4. XXXVI. 

How the wild Chitterlings laid an ambuscado for Pantagruel. 

While Xenomanes was saying this, Friar John spied twenty or thirty youngslender-shaped Chitterlings posting as fast as they could towards theirtown, citadel, castle, and fort of Chimney, and said to Pantagruel, I smella rat; there will be here the devil upon two sticks, or I am much out. These worshipful Chitterlings may chance to mistake you for Shrovetide, though you are not a bit like him. Let us once in our lives leave ourjunketing for a while, and put ourselves in a posture to give 'em abellyful of fighting, if they would be at that sport. There can be nofalse Latin in this, said Xenomanes; Chitterlings are still Chitterlings, always double-hearted and treacherous. 

Pantagruel then arose from table to visit and scour the thicket, andreturned presently; having discovered, on the left, an ambuscade of squabChitterlings; and on the right, about half a league from thence, a largebody of huge giant-like armed Chitterlings ranged in battalia along alittle hill, and marching furiously towards us at the sound of bagpipes, sheep's paunches, and bladders, the merry fifes and drums, trumpets, andclarions, hoping to catch us as Moss caught his mare. By the conjecture ofseventy-eight standards which we told, we guessed their number to be twoand forty thousand, at a modest computation. 

Their order, proud gait, and resolute looks made us judge that they werenone of your raw, paltry links, but old warlike Chitterlings and Sausages. From the foremost ranks to the colours they were all armed cap-a-pie withsmall arms, as we reckoned them at a distance, yet very sharp andcase-hardened. Their right and left wings were lined with a great number offorest puddings, heavy pattipans, and horse sausages, all of them tall andproper islanders, banditti, and wild. 

Pantagruel was very much daunted, and not without cause; though Epistemontold him that it might be the use and custom of the Chitterlingonians towelcome and receive thus in arms their foreign friends, as the noble kingsof France are received and saluted at their first coming into the chiefcities of the kingdom after their advancement to the crown. Perhaps, saidhe, it may be the usual guard of the queen of the place, who, having noticegiven her by the junior Chitterlings of the forlorn hope whom you saw onthe tree, of the arrival of your fine and pompous fleet, hath judged thatit was without doubt some rich and potent prince, and is come to visit youin person. 

Pantagruel, little trusting to this, called a council, to have their adviceat large in this doubtful case. He briefly showed them how this way ofreception with arms had often, under colour of compliment and friendship, been fatal. Thus, said he, the Emperor Antonius Caracalla at one timedestroyed the citizens of Alexandria, and at another time cut off theattendants of Artabanus, King of Persia, under colour of marrying hisdaughter, which, by the way, did not pass unpunished, for a while afterthis cost him his life. 

Thus Jacob's children destroyed the Sichemites, to revenge the rape oftheir sister Dinah. By such another hypocritical trick Gallienus, theRoman emperor, put to death the military men in Constantinople. Thus, under colour of friendship, Antonius enticed Artavasdes, King of Armenia;then, having caused him to be bound in heavy chains and shackled, at lastput him to death. 

We find a thousand such instances in history; and King Charles VI. Isjustly commended for his prudence to this day, in that, coming backvictorious over the Ghenters and other Flemings to his good city of Paris, and when he came to Bourget, a league from thence, hearing that thecitizens with their mallets--whence they got the name of Maillotins--weremarched out of town in battalia, twenty thousand strong, he would not gointo the town till they had laid down their arms and retired to theirrespective homes; though they protested to him that they had taken armswith no other design than to receive him with the greater demonstration ofhonour and respect. 

Chapter 4. XXXVII. 

How Pantagruel sent for Colonel Maul-chitterling and Colonel Cut-pudding;with a discourse well worth your hearing about the names of places andpersons. 

The resolution of the council was that, let things be how they would, itbehoved the Pantagruelists to stand upon their guard. Therefore Carpalinand Gymnast were ordered by Pantagruel to go for the soldiers that were onboard the Cup galley, under the command of Colonel Maul-chitterling, andthose on board the Vine-tub frigate, under the command of ColonelCut-pudding the younger. I will ease Gymnast of that trouble, said Panurge, who wanted to be upon the run; you may have occasion for him here. Bythis worthy frock of mine, quoth Friar John, thou hast a mind to slip thyneck out of the collar and absent thyself from the fight, thouwhite-livered son of a dunghill! Upon my virginity thou wilt never comeback. Well, there can be no great loss in thee; for thou wouldst do nothinghere but howl, bray, weep, and dishearten the good soldiers. I willcertainly come back, said Panurge, Friar John, my ghostly father, andspeedily too; do but take care that these plaguy Chitterlings do not boardour ships. All the while you will be a-fighting I will pray heartily foryour victory, after the example of the valiant captain and guide of thepeople of Israel, Moses. Having said this, he wheeled off. 

Then said Epistemon to Pantagruel: The denomination of these two colonelsof yours, Maul-chitterling and Cut-pudding, promiseth us assurance, success, and victory, if those Chitterlings should chance to set upon us. You take it rightly, said Pantagruel, and it pleaseth me to see you foreseeand prognosticate our victory by the names of our colonels. 

This way of foretelling by names is not new; it was in old times celebratedand religiously observed by the Pythagoreans. Several great princes andemperors have formerly made good use of it. Octavianus Augustus, secondemperor of the Romans, meeting on a day a country fellow named Eutychus--that is, fortunate--driving an ass named Nicon--that is, in Greek, Victorian--moved by the signification of the ass's and ass-driver's names, remained assured of all prosperity and victory. 

The Emperor Vespasian being once all alone at prayers in the temple ofSerapis, at the sight and unexpected coming of a certain servant of hisnamed Basilides--that is, royal--whom he had left sick a great way behind, took hopes and assurance of obtaining the empire of the Romans. Regilianwas chosen emperor by the soldiers for no other reason but thesignification of his name. See the Cratylus of the divine Plato. (By mythirst, I will read it, said Rhizotome; I hear you so often quote it. ) Seehow the Pythagoreans, by reason of the names and numbers, conclude thatPatroclus was to fall by the hand of Hector; Hector by Achilles; Achillesby Paris; Paris by Philoctetes. I am quite lost in my understanding when Ireflect upon the admirable invention of Pythagoras, who by the number, either even or odd, of the syllables of every name, would tell you of whatside a man was lame, hulch-backed, blind, gouty, troubled with the palsy, pleurisy, or any other distemper incident to humankind; allotting evennumbers to the left (Motteux reads--'even numbers to the Right, and oddones to the Left. '), and odd ones to the right side of the body. 

Indeed, said Epistemon, I saw this way of syllabizing tried at Xaintes at ageneral procession, in the presence of that good, virtuous, learned andjust president, Brian Vallee, Lord of Douhait. When there went by a man orwoman that was either lame, blind of one eye, or humpbacked, he had anaccount brought him of his or her name; and if the syllables of the namewere of an odd number, immediately, without seeing the persons, he declaredthem to be deformed, blind, lame, or crooked of the right side; and of theleft, if they were even in number; and such indeed we ever found them. 

By this syllabical invention, said Pantagruel, the learned have affirmedthat Achilles kneeling was wounded by the arrow of Paris in the right heel, for his name is of odd syllables (here we ought to observe that theancients used to kneel the right foot); and that Venus was also woundedbefore Troy in the left hand, for her name in Greek is Aphrodite, of foursyllables; Vulcan lamed of his left foot for the same reason; Philip, Kingof Macedon, and Hannibal, blind of the right eye; not to speak ofsciaticas, broken bellies, and hemicranias, which may be distinguished bythis Pythagorean reason. 

But returning to names: do but consider how Alexander the Great, son ofKing Philip, of whom we spoke just now, compassed his undertaking merely bythe interpretation of a name. He had besieged the strong city of Tyre, andfor several weeks battered it with all his power; but all in vain. Hisengines and attempts were still baffled by the Tyrians, which made himfinally resolve to raise the siege, to his great grief; foreseeing thegreat stain which such a shameful retreat would be to his reputation. Inthis anxiety and agitation of mind he fell asleep and dreamed that a satyrwas come into his tent, capering, skipping, and tripping it up and down, with his goatish hoofs, and that he strove to lay hold on him. But thesatyr still slipped from him, till at last, having penned him up into acorner, he took him. With this he awoke, and telling his dream to thephilosophers and sages of his court, they let him know that it was apromise of victory from the gods, and that he should soon be master ofTyre; the word satyros divided in two being sa Tyros, and signifying Tyreis thine; and in truth, at the next onset, he took the town by storm, andby a complete victory reduced that stubborn people to subjection. 

On the other hand, see how, by the signification of one word, Pompey fellinto despair. Being overcome by Caesar at the battle of Pharsalia, he hadno other way left to escape but by flight; which attempting by sea, hearrived near the island of Cyprus, and perceived on the shore near the cityof Paphos a beautiful and stately palace; now asking the pilot what was thename of it, he told him that it was called kakobasilea, that is, evil king;which struck such a dread and terror in him that he fell into despair, asbeing assured of losing shortly his life; insomuch that his complaints, sighs, and groans were heard by the mariners and other passengers. Andindeed, a while after, a certain strange peasant, called Achillas, cut offhis head. 

To all these examples might be added what happened to L. Paulus Emiliuswhen the senate elected him imperator, that is, chief of the army whichthey sent against Perses, King of Macedon. That evening returning home toprepare for his expedition, and kissing a little daughter of his calledTrasia, she seemed somewhat sad to him. What is the matter, said he, mychicken? Why is my Trasia thus sad and melancholy? Daddy, replied thechild, Persa is dead. This was the name of a little bitch which she lovedmightily. Hearing this, Paulus took assurance of a victory over Perses. 

If time would permit us to discourse of the sacred Hebrew writ, we mightfind a hundred noted passages evidently showing how religiously theyobserved proper names and their significations. 

He had hardly ended this discourse, when the two colonels arrived withtheir soldiers, all well armed and resolute. Pantagruel made them a shortspeech, entreating them to behave themselves bravely in case they wereattacked; for he could not yet believe that the Chitterlings were sotreacherous; but he bade them by no means to give the first offence, givingthem Carnival for the watchword. 

Chapter 4. XXXVIII. 

How Chitterlings are not to be slighted by men. 

You shake your empty noddles now, jolly topers, and do not believe what Itell you here, any more than if it were some tale of a tub. Well, well, Icannot help it. Believe it if you will; if you won't, let it alone. Formy part, I very well know what I say. It was in the Wild Island, in ourvoyage to the Holy Bottle. I tell you the time and place; what would youhave more? I would have you call to mind the strength of the ancientgiants that undertook to lay the high mountain Pelion on the top of Ossa, and set among those the shady Olympus, to dash out the gods' brains, unnestle them, and scour their heavenly lodgings. Theirs was no smallstrength, you may well think, and yet they were nothing but Chitterlingsfrom the waist downwards, or at least serpents, not to tell a lie for thematter. 

The serpent that tempted Eve, too, was of the Chitterling kind, and yet itis recorded of him that he was more subtle than any beast of the field. Even so are Chitterlings. Nay, to this very hour they hold in someuniversities that this same tempter was the Chitterling called Ithyphallus, into which was transformed bawdy Priapus, arch-seducer of females inparadise, that is, a garden, in Greek. 

Pray now tell me who can tell but that the Swiss, now so bold and warlike, were formerly Chitterlings? For my part, I would not take my oath to thecontrary. The Himantopodes, a nation very famous in Ethiopia, according toPliny's description, are Chitterlings, and nothing else. If all this willnot satisfy your worships, or remove your incredulity, I would have youforthwith (I mean drinking first, that nothing be done rashly) visitLusignan, Parthenay, Vouant, Mervant, and Ponzauges in Poitou. There youwill find a cloud of witnesses, not of your affidavit-men of the rightstamp, but credible time out of mind, that will take their corporal oath, on Rigome's knuckle-bone, that Melusina their founder or foundress, whichyou please, was woman from the head to the prick-purse, and thencedownwards was a serpentine Chitterling, or if you'll have it otherwise, aChitterlingdized serpent. She nevertheless had a genteel and noble gait, imitated to this very day by your hop-merchants of Brittany, in theirpaspie and country dances. 

What do you think was the cause of Erichthonius's being the first inventorof coaches, litters, and chariots? Nothing but because Vulcan had begothim with Chitterlingdized legs, which to hide he chose to ride in a litter, rather than on horseback; for Chitterlings were not yet in esteem at thattime. 

The Scythian nymph, Ora, was likewise half woman and half Chitterling, andyet seemed so beautiful to Jupiter that nothing could serve him but he mustgive her a touch of his godship's kindness; and accordingly he had a braveboy by her, called Colaxes; and therefore I would have you leave offshaking your empty noddles at this, as if it were a story, and firmlybelieve that nothing is truer than the gospel. 

Chapter 4. XXXIX. 

How Friar John joined with the cooks to fight the Chitterlings. 

Friar John seeing these furious Chitterlings thus boldly march up, said toPantagruel, Here will be a rare battle of hobby-horses, a pretty kind ofpuppet-show fight, for aught I see. Oh! what mighty honour and wonderfulglory will attend our victory! I would have you only be a bare spectatorof this fight, and for anything else leave me and my men to deal with them. What men? said Pantagruel. Matter of breviary, replied Friar John. Howcame Potiphar, who was head-cook of Pharaoh's kitchens, he that boughtJoseph, and whom the said Joseph might have made a cuckold if he had notbeen a Joseph; how came he, I say, to be made general of all the horse inthe kingdom of Egypt? Why was Nabuzardan, King Nebuchadnezzar's head-cook, chosen to the exclusion of all other captains to besiege and destroyJerusalem? I hear you, replied Pantagruel. By St. Christopher's whiskers, said Friar John, I dare lay a wager that it was because they had formerlyengaged Chitterlings, or men as little valued; whom to rout, conquer, anddestroy, cooks are without comparison more fit than cuirassiers andgendarmes armed at all points, or all the horse and foot in the world. 

You put me in mind, said Pantagruel, of what is written amongst thefacetious and merry sayings of Cicero. During the more than civil warsbetween Caesar and Pompey, though he was much courted by the first, henaturally leaned more to the side of the latter. Now one day hearing thatthe Pompeians in a certain rencontre had lost a great many men, he took afancy to visit their camp. There he perceived little strength, lesscourage, but much disorder. From that time, foreseeing that things wouldgo ill with them, as it since happened, he began to banter now one and thenanother, and be very free of his cutting jests; so some of Pompey'scaptains, playing the good fellows to show their assurance, told him, Doyou see how many eagles we have yet? (They were then the device of theRomans in war. ) They might be of use to you, replied Cicero, if you had todo with magpies. 

Thus, seeing we are to fight Chitterlings, pursued Pantagruel, you inferthence that it is a culinary war, and have a mind to join with the cooks. Well, do as you please, I'll stay here in the meantime, and wait for theevent of the rumpus. 

Friar John went that very moment among the sutlers, into the cooks' tents, and told them in a pleasing manner: I must see you crowned with honour andtriumph this day, my lads; to your arms are reserved such achievements asnever yet were performed within the memory of man. Ods-belly, do they makenothing of the valiant cooks? Let us go fight yonder fornicatingChitterlings! I'll be your captain. But first let's drink, boys. Comeon! let us be of good cheer. Noble captain, returned the kitchen tribe, this was spoken like yourself; bravely offered. Huzza! we are all at yourexcellency's command, and we live and die by you. Live, live, said FriarJohn, a God's name; but die by no means. That is the Chitterlings' lot;they shall have their bellyful of it. Come on then, let us put ourselvesin order; Nabuzardan's the word. 

Chapter 4. XL. 

How Friar John fitted up the sow; and of the valiant cooks that went intoit. 

Then, by Friar John's order, the engineers and their workmen fitted up thegreat sow that was in the ship Leathern Bottle. It was a wonderfulmachine, so contrived that, by means of large engines that were round aboutit in rows, it throw'd forked iron bars and four-squared steel bolts; andin its hold two hundred men at least could easily fight, and be sheltered. It was made after the model of the sow of Riole, by the means of whichBergerac was retaken from the English in the reign of Charles the Sixth. 

Here are the names of the noble and valiant cooks who went into the sow, asthe Greeks did into the Trojan horse:

Sour-sauce. Crisp-pig. Carbonado. Sweet-meat. Greasy-slouch. Sop-in-pan. Greedy-gut. Fat-gut. Pick-fowl. Liquorice-chops. Bray-mortar. Mustard-pot. Soused-pork. Lick-sauce. Hog's-haslet. Slap-sauce. Hog's-foot. Chopped-phiz. Cock-broth. Hodge-podge. Gallimaufry. Slipslop. 

All these noble cooks in their coat-of-arms did bear, in a field gules, alarding-pin vert, charged with a chevron argent. 

Lard, hog's-lard. Pinch-lard. Snatch-lard. Nibble-lard. Top-lard. Gnaw-lard. Filch-lard. Pick-lard. Scrape-lard. Fat-lard. Save-lard. Chew-lard. 

Gaillard (by syncope) born near Rambouillet. The said culinary doctor'sname was Gaillardlard, in the same manner as you use to say idolatrous foridololatrous. 

Stiff-lard. Cut-lard. Waste-lard. Watch-lard. Mince-lard. Ogle-lard. Sweet-lard. Dainty-lard. Weigh-lard. Eat-lard. Fresh-lard. Gulch-lard. Snap-lard. Rusty-lard. Eye-lard. Catch-lard. 

Names unknown among the Marranes and Jews. 

Ballocky. Thirsty. Porridge-pot. Pick-sallat. Kitchen-stuff. Lick-dish. Broil-rasher. Verjuice. Salt-gullet. Coney-skin. Save-dripping. Snail-dresser. Dainty-chops. Watercress. Soup-monger. Pie-wright. Scrape-turnip. Brewis-belly. Pudding-pan. Trivet. Chine-picker. Toss-pot. Monsieur Ragout. Suck-gravy. Mustard-sauce. Crack-pipkin. Macaroon. Claret-sauce. Scrape-pot. Skewer-maker. Swill-broth. 

Smell-smock. He was afterwards taken from the kitchen and removed tochamber-practice, for the service of the noble Cardinal Hunt-venison. 

Rot-roast. Hog's gullet. Fox-tail. Dish-clout. Sirloin. Fly-flap. Save-suet. Spit-mutton. Old Grizzle. Fire-fumbler. Fritter-frier. Ruff-belly. Pillicock. Flesh-smith. Saffron-sauce. Long-tool. Cram-gut. Strutting-tom. Prick-pride. Tuzzy-mussy. Slashed-snout. Prick-madam. Jacket-liner. Smutty-face. Pricket. Guzzle-drink. 

Mondam, that first invented madam's sauce, and for that discovery was thuscalled in the Scotch-French dialect. 

Loblolly. Sloven. Trencher-man. Slabber-chops. Swallow-pitcher. Goodman Goosecap. Scum-pot. Wafer-monger. Munch-turnip. Gully-guts. Snap-gobbet. Pudding-bag. Rinse-pot. Scurvy-phiz. Pig-sticker. Drink-spiller. 

Robert. He invented Robert's sauce, so good and necessary for roastedconeys, ducks, fresh pork, poached eggs, salt fish, and a thousand othersuch dishes. 

Cold-eel. Frying-pan. Big-snout. Thornback. Man of dough. Lick-finger. Gurnard. Sauce-doctor. Tit-bit. Grumbling-gut. Waste-butter. Sauce-box. Alms-scrip. Shitbreech. All-fours. Taste-all. Thick-brawn. Whimwham. Scrap-merchant. Tom T--d. Baste-roast. Belly-timberman. Mouldy-crust. Gaping-hoyden. Hashee. Hasty. Calf's-pluck. Frig-palate. Red-herring. Leather-breeches. Powdering-tub. Cheesecake. 

All these noble cooks went into the sow, merry, cheery, hale, brisk, olddogs at mischief, and ready to fight stoutly. Friar John ever and anonwaving his huge scimitar, brought up the rear, and double-locked the doorson the inside. 

Chapter 4. XLI. 

How Pantagruel broke the Chitterlings at the knees. 

The Chitterlings advanced so near that Pantagruel perceived that theystretched their arms and already began to charge their lances, which causedhim to send Gymnast to know what they meant, and why they thus, without theleast provocation, came to fall upon their old trusty friends, who hadneither said nor done the least ill thing to them. Gymnast being advancednear their front, bowed very low, and said to them as loud as ever hecould: We are friends, we are friends; all, all of us your friends, yours, and at your command; we are for Carnival, your old confederate. Some havesince told me that he mistook, and said cavernal instead of carnival. 

Whatever it was, the word was no sooner out of his mouth but a huge littlesquab Sausage, starting out of the front of their main body, would havegriped him by the collar. By the helmet of Mars, said Gymnast, I willswallow thee; but thou shalt only come in in chips and slices; for, big asthou art, thou couldst never come in whole. This spoke, he lugs out histrusty sword, Kiss-mine-arse (so he called it) with both his fists, and cutthe Sausage in twain. Bless me, how fat the foul thief was! it puts me inmind of the huge bull of Berne, that was slain at Marignan when the drunkenSwiss were so mauled there. Believe me, it had little less than fourinches' lard on its paunch. 

The Sausage's job being done, a crowd of others flew upon Gymnast, and hadmost scurvily dragged him down when Pantagruel with his men came up to hisrelief. Then began the martial fray, higgledy-piggledy. Maul-chitterlingdid maul chitterlings; Cut-pudding did cut puddings; Pantagruel did breakthe Chitterlings at the knees; Friar John played at least in sight withinhis sow, viewing and observing all things; when the Pattipans that lay inambuscade most furiously sallied out upon Pantagruel. 

Friar John, who lay snug all this while, by that time perceiving the routand hurlyburly, set open the doors of his sow and sallied out with hismerry Greeks, some of them armed with iron spits, others with andirons, racks, fire-shovels, frying-pans, kettles, grid-irons, oven forks, tongs, dripping pans, brooms, iron pots, mortars, pestles, all in battle array, like so many housebreakers, hallooing and roaring out all together mostfrightfully, Nabuzardan, Nabuzardan, Nabuzardan. Thus shouting and hootingthey fought like dragons, and charged through the Pattipans and Sausages. The Chitterlings perceiving this fresh reinforcement, and that the otherswould be too hard for 'em, betook themselves to their heels, scampering offwith full speed, as if the devil had come for them. Friar John, with aniron crow, knocked them down as fast as hops; his men, too, were notsparing on their side. Oh, what a woeful sight it was! the field was allover strewed with heaps of dead or wounded Chitterlings; and historyrelates that had not heaven had a hand in it, the Chitterling tribe hadbeen totally routed out of the world by the culinary champions. But therehappened a wonderful thing, you may believe as little or as much of it asyou please. 

From the north flew towards us a huge, fat, thick, grizzly swine, with longand large wings, like those of a windmill; its plumes red crimson, likethose of a phenicoptere (which in Languedoc they call flaman); its eyeswere red, and flaming like a carbuncle; its ears green, like a Prasinemerald; its teeth like a topaz; its tail long and black, like jet; itsfeet white, diaphanous and transparent like a diamond, somewhat broad, andof the splay kind, like those of geese, and as Queen Dick's used to be atToulouse in the days of yore. About its neck it wore a gold collar, roundwhich were some Ionian characters, whereof I could pick out but two words, US ATHENAN, hog-teaching Minerva. 

The sky was clear before; but at that monster's appearance it changed somightily for the worse that we were all amazed at it. As soon as theChitterlings perceived the flying hog, down they all threw their weaponsand fell on their knees, lifting up their hands joined together, withoutspeaking one word, in a posture of adoration. Friar John and his partykept on mincing, felling, braining, mangling, and spitting the Chitterlingslike mad; but Pantagruel sounded a retreat, and all hostility ceased. 

The monster having several times hovered backwards and forwards between thetwo armies, with a tail-shot voided above twenty-seven butts of mustard onthe ground; then flew away through the air, crying all the while, Carnival, Carnival, Carnival. 

Chapter 4. XLII. 

How Pantagruel held a treaty with Niphleseth, Queen of the Chitterlings. 

The monster being out of sight, and the two armies remaining silent, Pantagruel demanded a parley with the lady Niphleseth, Queen of theChitterlings, who was in her chariot by the standards; and it was easilygranted. The queen alighted, courteously received Pantagruel, and was gladto see him. Pantagruel complained to her of this breach of peace; but shecivilly made her excuse, telling him that a false information had causedall this mischief; her spies having brought her word that Shrovetide, theirmortal foe, was landed, and spent his time in examining the urine ofphyseters. 

She therefore entreated him to pardon them their offence, telling him thatsir-reverence was sooner found in Chitterlings than gall; and offering, forherself and all her successors, to hold of him and his the whole island andcountry; to obey him in all his commands, be friends to his friends, andfoes to his foes; and also to send every year, as an acknowledgment oftheir homage, a tribute of seventy-eight thousand royal Chitterlings, toserve him at his first course at table six months in the year; which waspunctually performed. For the next day she sent the aforesaid quantity ofroyal Chitterlings to the good Gargantua, under the conduct of youngNiphleseth, infanta of the island. 

The good Gargantua made a present of them to the great King of Paris. Butby change of air, and for want of mustard (the natural balsam and restorerof Chitterlings), most of them died. By the great king's particular grantthey were buried in heaps in a part of Paris to this day called La Ruepavee d'Andouilles, the street paved with Chitterlings. At the request ofthe ladies at his court young Niphleseth was preserved, honourably used, and since that married to heart's content; and was the mother of manychildren, for which heaven be praised. 

Pantagruel civilly thanked the queen, forgave all offences, refused theoffer she had made of her country, and gave her a pretty little knife. After that he asked several nice questions concerning the apparition ofthat flying hog. She answered that it was the idea of Carnival, theirtutelary god in time of war, first founder and original of all theChitterling race; for which reason he resembled a hog, for Chitterlingsdrew their extraction from hogs. 

Pantagruel asking to what purpose and curative indication he had voided somuch mustard on the earth, the queen replied that mustard was theirsanc-greal and celestial balsam, of which, laying but a little in the woundsof the fallen Chitterlings, in a very short time the wounded were healed andthe dead restored to life. Pantagruel held no further discourse with thequeen, but retired a-shipboard. The like did all the boon companions, withtheir implements of destruction and their huge sow. 

Chapter 4. XLIII. 

How Pantagruel went into the island of Ruach. 

Two days after we arrived at the island of Ruach; and I swear to you, bythe celestial hen and chickens, that I found the way of living of thepeople so strange and wonderful that I can't, for the heart's blood of me, half tell it you. They live on nothing but wind, eat nothing but wind, anddrink nothing but wind. They have no other houses but weathercocks. Theysow no other seeds but the three sorts of windflowers, rue, and herbs thatmay make one break wind to the purpose; these scour them off carefully. The common sort of people to feed themselves make use of feather, paper, orlinen fans, according to their abilities. As for the rich, they live bythe means of windmills. 

When they would have some noble treat, the tables are spread under one ortwo windmills. There they feast as merry as beggars, and during the mealtheir whole talk is commonly of the goodness, excellency, salubrity, andrarity of winds; as you, jolly topers, in your cups philosophize and argueupon wines. The one praises the south-east, the other the south-west; thisthe west and by south, and this the east and by north; another the west, and another the east; and so of the rest. As for lovers and amoroussparks, no gale for them like a smock-gale. For the sick they use bellowsas we use clysters among us. 

Oh! said to me a little diminutive swollen bubble, that I had now but abladderful of that same Languedoc wind which they call Cierce. The famousphysician, Scurron, passing one day by this country, was telling us that itis so strong that it will make nothing of overturning a loaded waggon. Oh!what good would it not do my Oedipodic leg. The biggest are not the best;but, said Panurge, rather would I had here a large butt of that same goodLanguedoc wine that grows at Mirevaux, Canteperdrix, and Frontignan. 

I saw a good likely sort of a man there, much resembling Ventrose, tearingand fuming in a grievous fret with a tall burly groom and a pimping littlepage of his, laying them on, like the devil, with a buskin. Not knowingthe cause of his anger, at first I thought that all this was by thedoctor's advice, as being a thing very healthy to the master to be in apassion and to his man to be banged for it. But at last I heard him taxinghis man with stealing from him, like a rogue as he was, the better half ofa large leathern bag of an excellent southerly wind, which he had carefullylaid up, like a hidden reserve, against the cold weather. 

They neither exonerate, dung, piss, nor spit in that island; but, to makeamends, they belch, fizzle, funk, and give tail-shots in abundance. Theyare troubled with all manner of distempers; and, indeed, all distempers areengendered and proceed from ventosities, as Hippocrates demonstrates, lib. De Flatibus. But the most epidemical among them is the wind-cholic. Theremedies which they use are large clysters, whereby they void store ofwindiness. They all die of dropsies and tympanies, the men farting and thewomen fizzling; so that their soul takes her leave at the back-door. 

Some time after, walking in the island, we met three hairbrained airyfellows, who seemed mightily puffed up, and went to take their pastime andview the plovers, who live on the same diet as themselves, and abound inthe island. I observed that, as your true topers when they travel carryflasks, leathern bottles, and small runlets along with them, so each ofthem had at his girdle a pretty little pair of bellows. If they happenedto want wind, by the help of those pretty bellows they immediately drewsome, fresh and cool, by attraction and reciprocal expulsion; for, as youwell know, wind essentially defined is nothing but fluctuating and agitatedair. 

A while after, we were commanded, in the king's name, not to receive forthree hours any man or woman of the country on board our ships; some havingstolen from him a rousing fart, of the very individual wind which oldgoodman Aeolus the snorer gave Ulysses to conduct his ship whenever itshould happen to be becalmed. Which fart the king kept religiously, likeanother sanc-greal, and performed a world of wonderful cures with it inmany dangerous diseases, letting loose and distributing to the patient onlyas much of it as might frame a virginal fart; which is, if you must know, what our sanctimonials, alias nuns, in their dialect call ringingbackwards. 

Chapter 4. XLIV. 

How small rain lays a high wind. 

Pantagruel commended their government and way of living, and said to theirhypenemian mayor: If you approve Epicurus's opinion, placing the summumbonum in pleasure (I mean pleasure that's easy and free from toil), Iesteem you happy; for your food being wind, costs you little or nothing, since you need but blow. True, sir, returned the mayor; but, alas! nothingis perfect here below; for too often when we are at table, feeding on somegood blessed wind of God as on celestial manna, merry as so many friars, down drops on a sudden some small rain, which lays our wind, and so robs usof it. Thus many a meal's lost for want of meat. 

Just so, quoth Panurge, Jenin Toss-pot of Quinquenais, evacuating some wineof his own burning on his wife's posteriors, laid the ill-fumed wind thatblowed out of their centre as out of some magisterial Aeolipile. Here is akind of a whim on that subject which I made formerly:

 One evening when Toss-pot had been at his butts, And Joan his fat spouse crammed with turnips her guts, Together they pigged, nor did drink so besot him But he did what was done when his daddy begot him. Now when to recruit he'd fain have been snoring, Joan's back-door was filthily puffing and roaring; So for spite he bepissed her, and quickly did find That a very small rain lays a very high wind. 

We are also plagued yearly with a very great calamity, cried the mayor; fora giant called Wide-nostrils, who lives in the island of Tohu, comes hitherevery spring to purge, by the advice of his physicians, and swallows us, like so many pills, a great number of windmills, and of bellows also, atwhich his mouth waters exceedingly. 

Now this is a sad mortification to us here, who are fain to fast over threeor four whole Lents every year for this, besides certain petty Lents, emberweeks, and other orison and starving tides. And have you no remedy forthis? asked Pantagruel. By the advice of our Mezarims, replied the mayor, about the time that he uses to give us a visit, we garrison our windmillswith good store of cocks and hens. The first time that the greedy thiefswallowed them, they had like to have done his business at once; for theycrowed and cackled in his maw, and fluttered up and down athwart and alongin his stomach, which threw the glutton into a lipothymy cardiac passionand dreadful and dangerous convulsions, as if some serpent, creeping in athis mouth, had been frisking in his stomach. 

Here is a comparative as altogether incongruous and impertinent, criedFriar John, interrupting them; for I have formerly heard that if a serpentchance to get into a man's stomach it will not do him the least hurt, butwill immediately get out if you do but hang the patient by the heels andlay a panful of warm milk near his mouth. You were told this, saidPantagruel, and so were those who gave you this account; but none ever sawor read of such a cure. On the contrary, Hippocrates, in his fifth book ofEpidem, writes that such a case happening in his time the patient presentlydied of a spasm and convulsion. 

Besides the cocks and hens, said the mayor, continuing his story, all thefoxes in the country whipped into Wide-nostril's mouth, posting after thepoultry; which made such a stir with Reynard at their heels, that hegrievously fell into fits each minute of an hour. 

At last, by the advice of a Baden enchanter, at the time of the paroxysm heused to flay a fox by way of antidote and counter-poison. Since that hetook better advice, and eases himself with taking a clyster made with adecoction of wheat and barley corns, and of livers of goslings; to thefirst of which the poultry run, and the foxes to the latter. Besides, heswallows some of your badgers or fox-dogs by the way of pills and boluses. This is our misfortune. 

Cease to fear, good people, cried Pantagruel; this huge Wide-nostrils, thissame swallower of windmills, is no more, I will assure you; he died, beingstifled and choked with a lump of fresh butter at the mouth of a hot oven, by the advice of his physicians. 

Chapter 4. XLV. 

How Pantagruel went ashore in the island of Pope-Figland. 

The next morning we arrived at the island of Pope-figs; formerly a rich andfree people, called the Gaillardets, but now, alas! miserably poor, andunder the yoke of the Papimen. The occasion of it was this:

On a certain yearly high holiday, the burgomaster, syndics, and toppingrabbies of the Gaillardets chanced to go into the neighbouring islandPapimany to see the festival and pass away the time. Now one of themhaving espied the pope's picture (with the sight of which, according to alaudable custom, the people were blessed on high-offering holidays), mademouths at it, and cried, A fig for it! as a sign of manifest contempt andderision. To be revenged of this affront, the Papimen, some days after, without giving the others the least warning, took arms, and surprised, destroyed, and ruined the whole island of the Gaillardets; putting the mento the sword, and sparing none but the women and children, and those tooonly on condition to do what the inhabitants of Milan were condemned to bythe Emperor Frederick Barbarossa. 

These had rebelled against him in his absence, and ignominiously turned theempress out of the city, mounting her a-horseback on a mule called Thacor, with her breech foremost towards the old jaded mule's head, and her faceturned towards the crupper. Now Frederick being returned, mastered them, and caused so careful a search to be made that he found out and got thefamous mule Thacor. Then the hangman by his order clapped a fig into themule's jimcrack, in the presence of the enslaved cits that were broughtinto the middle of the great market-place, and proclaimed in the emperor'sname, with trumpets, that whosoever of them would save his own life shouldpublicly pull the fig out with his teeth, and after that put it in again inthe very individual cranny whence he had draw'd it without using his hands, and that whoever refused to do this should presently swing for it and diein his shoes. Some sturdy fools, standing upon their punctilio, chosehonourably to be hanged rather than submit to so shameful and abominable adisgrace; and others, less nice in point of ceremony, took heart of grace, and even resolved to have at the fig, and a fig for't, rather than make aworse figure with a hempen collar, and die in the air at so short warning. Accordingly, when they had neatly picked out the fig with their teeth fromold Thacor's snatch-blatch, they plainly showed it the headsman, saying, Ecco lo fico, Behold the fig!

By the same ignominy the rest of these poor distressed Gaillardets savedtheir bacon, becoming tributaries and slaves, and the name of Pope-figs wasgiven them, because they said, A fig for the pope's image. Since this, thepoor wretches never prospered, but every year the devil was at their doors, and they were plagued with hail, storms, famine, and all manner of woes, asan everlasting punishment for the sin of their ancestors and relations. Perceiving the misery and calamity of that generation, we did not care togo further up into the country, contenting ourselves with going into alittle chapel near the haven to take some holy water. It was dilapidatedand ruined, wanting also a cover--like Saint Peter at Rome. When we werein, as we dipped our fingers in the sanctified cistern, we spied in themiddle of that holy pickle a fellow muffled up with stoles, all underwater, like a diving duck, except the tip of his snout to draw his breath. About him stood three priests, true shavelings, clean shorn and polled, whowere muttering strange words to the devils out of a conjuring book. 

Pantagruel was not a little amazed at this, and inquiring what kind ofsport these were at, was told that for three years last past the plague hadso dreadfully raged in the island that the better half of it had beenutterly depopulated, and the lands lay fallow and unoccupied. Now, themortality being over, this same fellow who had crept into the holy tub, having a large piece of ground, chanced to be sowing it with white winterwheat at the very minute of an hour that a kind of a silly sucking devil, who could not yet write or read, or hail and thunder, unless it were onparsley or coleworts, and got leave of his master Lucifer to go into thisisland of Pope-figs, where the devils were very familiar with the men andwomen, and often went to take their pastime. 

This same devil being got thither, directed his discourse to thehusbandman, and asked him what he was doing. The poor man told him that hewas sowing the ground with corn to help him to subsist the next year. Ay, but the ground is none of thine, Mr. Plough-jobber, cried the devil, butmine; for since the time that you mocked the pope all this land has beenproscribed, adjudged, and abandoned to us. However, to sow corn is not myprovince; therefore I will give thee leave to sow the field, that is tosay, provided we share the profit. I will, replied the farmer. I mean, said the devil, that of what the land shall bear, two lots shall be made, one of what shall grow above ground, the other of what shall be coveredwith earth. The right of choosing belongs to me; for I am a devil of nobleand ancient race; thou art a base clown. I therefore choose what shall lieunder ground, take thou what shall be above. When dost thou reckon toreap, hah? About the middle of July, quoth the farmer. Well, said thedevil, I'll not fail thee then; in the meantime, slave as thou oughtest. Work, clown, work. I am going to tempt to the pleasing sin of whoring thenuns of Dryfart, the sham saints of the cowl, and the gluttonish crew. Iam more than sure of these. They need but meet, and the job is done; truefire and tinder, touch and take; down falls nun, and up gets friar. 

Chapter 4. XLVI. 

How a junior devil was fooled by a husbandman of Pope-Figland. 

In the middle of July the devil came to the place aforesaid with all hiscrew at his heels, a whole choir of the younger fry of hell; and having metthe farmer, said to him, Well, clodpate, how hast thou done since I went?Thou and I must share the concern. Ay, master devil, quoth the clown; itis but reason we should. Then he and his men began to cut and reap thecorn; and, on the other side, the devil's imps fell to work, grubbing upand pulling out the stubble by the root. 

The countryman had his corn thrashed, winnowed it, put in into sacks, andwent with it to market. The same did the devil's servants, and sat themdown there by the man to sell their straw. The countryman sold off hiscorn at a good rate, and with the money filled an old kind of a demi-buskinwhich was fastened to his girdle. But the devil a sou the devils took; farfrom taking handsel, they were flouted and jeered by the country louts. 

Market being over, quoth the devil to the farmer, Well, clown, thou hastchoused me once, it is thy fault; chouse me twice, 'twill be mine. Nay, good sir devil, replied the farmer; how can I be said to have choused you, since it was your worship that chose first? The truth is, that by thistrick you thought to cheat me, hoping that nothing would spring out of theearth for my share, and that you should find whole underground the cornwhich I had sowed, and with it tempt the poor and needy, the closehypocrite, or the covetous griper; thus making them fall into your snares. But troth, you must e'en go to school yet; you are no conjurer, for aught Isee; for the corn that was sow'd is dead and rotten, its corruption havingcaused the generation of that which you saw me sell. So you chose theworst, and therefore are cursed in the gospel. Well, talk no more of it, quoth the devil; what canst thou sow our field with for next year? If aman would make the best of it, answered the ploughman, 'twere fit he sow itwith radish. Now, cried the devil, thou talkest like an honest fellow, bumpkin. Well, sow me good store of radish, I'll see and keep them safefrom storms, and will not hail a bit on them. But hark ye me, this time Ibespeak for my share what shall be above ground; what's under shall bethine. Drudge on, looby, drudge on. I am going to tempt heretics; theirsouls are dainty victuals when broiled in rashers and well powdered. MyLord Lucifer has the griping in the guts; they'll make a dainty warm dishfor his honour's maw. 

When the season of radishes was come, our devil failed not to meet in thefield, with a train of rascally underlings, all waiting devils, and findingthere the farmer and his men, he began to cut and gather the leaves of theradishes. After him the farmer with his spade dug up the radishes, andclapped them up into pouches. This done, the devil, the farmer, and theirgangs, hied them to market, and there the farmer presently made good moneyof his radishes; but the poor devil took nothing; nay, what was worse, hewas made a common laughing-stock by the gaping hoidens. I see thou hastplayed me a scurvy trick, thou villainous fellow, cried the angry devil; atlast I am fully resolved even to make an end of the business betwixt theeand myself about the ground, and these shall be the terms: we willclapperclaw each other, and whoever of us two shall first cry Hold, shallquit his share of the field, which shall wholly belong to the conqueror. Ifix the time for this trial of skill on this day seven-night; assurethyself that I'll claw thee off like a devil. I was going to tempt yourfornicators, bailiffs, perplexers of causes, scriveners, forgers of deeds, two-handed counsellors, prevaricating solicitors, and other such vermin;but they were so civil as to send me word by an interpreter that they areall mine already. Besides, our master Lucifer is so cloyed with theirsouls that he often sends them back to the smutty scullions and slovenlydevils of his kitchen, and they scarce go down with them, unless now andthen, when they are high-seasoned. 

Some say there is no breakfast like a student's, no dinner like a lawyer's, no afternoon's nunchion like a vine-dresser's, no supper like atradesman's, no second supper like a serving-wench's, and none of thesemeals equal to a frockified hobgoblin's. All this is true enough. Accordingly, at my Lord Lucifer's first course, hobgoblins, alias imps incowls, are a standing dish. He willingly used to breakfast on students;but, alas! I do not know by what ill luck they have of late years joinedthe Holy Bible to their studies; so the devil a one we can get down amongus; and I verily believe that unless the hypocrites of the tribe of Levihelp us in it, taking from the enlightened book-mongers their St. Paul, either by threats, revilings, force, violence, fire, and faggot, we shallnot be able to hook in any more of them to nibble at below. He dinescommonly on counsellors, mischief-mongers, multipliers of lawsuits, such aswrest and pervert right and law and grind and fleece the poor; he neverfears to want any of these. But who can endure to be wedded to a dish?

He said t'other day, at a full chapter, that he had a great mind to eat thesoul of one of the fraternity of the cowl that had forgot to speak forhimself in his sermon, and he promised double pay and a large pension toanyone that should bring him such a titbit piping hot. We all wenta-hunting after such a rarity, but came home without the prey; for they alladmonish the good women to remember their convent. As for afternoonnunchions, he has left them off since he was so woefully griped with thecolic; his fosterers, sutlers, charcoal-men, and boiling cooks having beensadly mauled and peppered off in the northern countries. 

His high devilship sups very well on tradesmen, usurers, apothecaries, cheats, coiners, and adulterers of wares. Now and then, when he is on themerry pin, his second supper is of serving-wenches who, after they have bystealth soaked their faces with their master's good liquor, fill up thevessel with it at second hand, or with other stinking water. 

Well, drudge on, boor, drudge on; I am going to tempt the students ofTrebisonde to leave father and mother, forego for ever the established andcommon rule of living, disclaim and free themselves from obeying theirlawful sovereign's edicts, live in absolute liberty, proudly despiseeveryone, laugh at all mankind, and taking the fine jovial little cap ofpoetic licence, become so many pretty hobgoblins. 

Chapter 4. XLVII. 

How the devil was deceived by an old woman of Pope-Figland. 

The country lob trudged home very much concerned and thoughtful, you mayswear; insomuch that his good woman, seeing him thus look moping, weenedthat something had been stolen from him at market; but when she had heardthe cause of his affliction and seen his budget well lined with coin, shebade him be of good cheer, assuring him that he would be never the worsefor the scratching bout in question; wishing him only to leave her tomanage that business, and not trouble his head about it; for she hadalready contrived how to bring him off cleverly. Let the worst come to theworst, said the husbandman, it will be but a scratch; for I'll yield at thefirst stroke, and quit the field. Quit a fart, replied the wife; he shallhave none of the field. Rely upon me, and be quiet; let me alone to dealwith him. You say he is a pimping little devil, that is enough; I willsoon make him give up the field, I will warrant you. Indeed, had he been agreat devil, it had been somewhat. 

The day that we landed in the island happened to be that which the devilhad fixed for the combat. Now the countryman having, like a good Catholic, very fairly confessed himself, and received betimes in the morning, by theadvice of the vicar had hid himself, all but the snout, in the holy-waterpot, in the posture in which we found him; and just as they were telling usthis story, news came that the old woman had fooled the devil and gainedthe field. You may not be sorry, perhaps, to hear how this happened. 

The devil, you must know, came to the poor man's door, and rapping there, cried, So ho! ho, the house! ho, clodpate! where art thou? Come out with avengeance; come out with a wannion; come out and be damned; now forclawing. Then briskly and resolutely entering the house, and not findingthe countryman there, he spied his wife lying on the ground, piteouslyweeping and howling. What is the matter? asked the devil. Where is he?what does he? Oh! that I knew where he is, replied threescore and five;the wicked rogue, the butcherly dog, the murderer! He has spoiled me; I amundone; I die of what he has done me. How, cried the devil, what is it?I'll tickle him off for you by-and-by. Alas! cried the old dissembler, hetold me, the butcher, the tyrant, the tearer of devils told me that he hadmade a match to scratch with you this day, and to try his claws he did butjust touch me with his little finger here betwixt the legs, and has spoiledme for ever. Oh! I am a dead woman; I shall never be myself again; do butsee! Nay, and besides, he talked of going to the smith's to have hispounces sharpened and pointed. Alas! you are undone, Mr. Devil; good sir, scamper quickly, I am sure he won't stay; save yourself, I beseech you. While she said this she uncovered herself up to the chin, after the mannerin which the Persian women met their children who fled from the fight, andplainly showed her what do ye call them. The frightened devil, seeing theenormous solution of the continuity in all its dimensions, blessed himself, and cried out, Mahon, Demiourgon, Megaera, Alecto, Persephone! 'slife, catch me here when he comes! I am gone! 'sdeath, what a gash! I resignhim the field. 

Having heard the catastrophe of the story, we retired a-shipboard, notbeing willing to stay there any longer. Pantagruel gave to the poor's boxof the fabric of the church eighteen thousand good royals, in commiserationof the poverty of the people and the calamity of the place. 

Chapter 4. XLVIII. 

How Pantagruel went ashore at the island of Papimany. 

Having left the desolate island of the Pope-figs, we sailed for the spaceof a day very fairly and merrily, and made the blessed island of Papimany. As soon as we had dropt anchor in the road, before we had well moored ourship with ground-tackle, four persons in different garbs rowed towards usin a skiff. One of them was dressed like a monk in his frock, draggle-tailed, and booted; the other like a falconer, with a lure, and along-winged hawk on his fist; the third like a solicitor, with a large bag, full of informations, subpoenas, breviates, bills, writs, cases, and otherimplements of pettifogging; the fourth looked like one of your vine-barbersabout Ocleans, with a jaunty pair of canvas trousers, a dosser, and apruning knife at his girdle. 

As soon as the boat had clapped them on board, they all with one voiceasked, Have you seen him, good passengers, have you seen him? Who? askedPantagruel. You know who, answered they. Who is it? asked Friar John. 'Sblood and 'ounds, I'll thrash him thick and threefold. This he saidthinking that they inquired after some robber, murderer, or church-breaker. Oh, wonderful! cried the four; do not you foreign people know the one?Sirs, replied Epistemon, we do not understand those terms; but if you willbe pleased to let us know who you mean, we will tell you the truth of thematter without any more ado. We mean, said they, he that is. Did you eversee him? He that is, returned Pantagruel, according to our theologicaldoctrine, is God, who said to Moses, I am that I am. We never saw him, norcan he be beheld by mortal eyes. We mean nothing less than that supremeGod who rules in heaven, replied they; we mean the god on earth. Did youever see him? Upon my honour, replied Carpalin, they mean the pope. Ay, ay, answered Panurge; yea, verily, gentlemen, I have seen three of them, whose sight has not much bettered me. How! cried they, our sacreddecretals inform us that there never is more than one living. I meansuccessively, one after the other, returned Panurge; otherwise I never sawmore than one at a time. 

O thrice and four times happy people! cried they; you are welcome, and morethan double welcome! They then kneeled down before us and would havekissed our feet, but we would not suffer it, telling them that should thepope come thither in his own person, 'tis all they could do to him. No, certainly, answered they, for we have already resolved upon the matter. Wewould kiss his bare arse without boggling at it, and eke his two pounders;for he has a pair of them, the holy father, that he has; we find it so byour fine decretals, otherwise he could not be pope. So that, according toour subtle decretaline philosophy, this is a necessary consequence: he ispope; therefore he has genitories, and should genitories no more be foundin the world, the world could no more have a pope. 

While they were talking thus, Pantagruel inquired of one of the coxswain'screw who those persons were. He answered that they were the four estatesof the island, and added that we should be made as welcome as princes, since we had seen the pope. Panurge having been acquainted with this byPantagruel, said to him in his ear, I swear and vow, sir, 'tis even so; hethat has patience may compass anything. Seeing the pope had done us nogood; now, in the devil's name, 'twill do us a great deal. We then wentashore, and the whole country, men, women, and children, came to meet us asin a solemn procession. Our four estates cried out to them with a loudvoice, They have seen him! they have seen him! they have seen him! Thatproclamation being made, all the mob kneeled before us, lifting up theirhands towards heaven, and crying, O happy men! O most happy! and thisacclamation lasted above a quarter of an hour. 

Then came the Busby (!) of the place, with all his pedagogues, ushers, andschoolboys, whom he magisterially flogged, as they used to whip children inour country formerly when some criminal was hanged, that they mightremember it. This displeased Pantagruel, who said to them, Gentlemen, ifyou do not leave off whipping these poor children, I am gone. The peoplewere amazed, hearing his stentorian voice; and I saw a little hump withlong fingers say to the hypodidascal, What, in the name of wonder! do allthose that see the pope grow as tall as yon huge fellow that threatens us?Ah! how I shall think time long till I have seen him too, that I may growand look as big. In short, the acclamations were so great that Homenas (sothey called their bishop) hastened thither on an unbridled mule with greentrappings, attended by his apposts (as they said) and his supposts, orofficers bearing crosses, banners, standards, canopies, torches, holy-waterpots, &c. He too wanted to kiss our feet (as the good Christian Valfinierdid to Pope Clement), saying that one of their hypothetes, that's one ofthe scavengers, scourers, and commentators of their holy decretals, hadwritten that, in the same manner as the Messiah, so long and so muchexpected by the Jews, at last appeared among them; so, on some happy day ofGod, the pope would come into that island; and that, while they waited forthat blessed time, if any who had seen him at Rome or elsewhere chanced tocome among them, they should be sure to make much of them, feast themplentifully, and treat them with a great deal of reverence. However, wecivilly desired to be excused. 

Chapter 4. XLIX. 

How Homenas, Bishop of Papimany, showed us the Uranopet decretals. 

Homenas then said to us: 'Tis enjoined us by our holy decretals to visitchurches first and taverns after. Therefore, not to decline that fineinstitution, let us go to church; we will afterwards go and feastourselves. Man of God, quoth Friar John, do you go before, we'll followyou. You spoke in the matter properly, and like a good Christian; 'tislong since we saw any such. For my part, this rejoices my mind very much, and I verily believe that I shall have the better stomach after it. Well, 'tis a happy thing to meet with good men! Being come near the gate of thechurch, we spied a huge thick book, gilt, and covered all over withprecious stones, as rubies, emeralds, (diamonds, ) and pearls, more, or atleast as valuable as those which Augustus consecrated to JupiterCapitolinus. This book hanged in the air, being fastened with two thickchains of gold to the zoophore of the porch. We looked on it and admiredit. As for Pantagruel, he handled it and dandled it and turned it as hepleased, for he could reach it without straining; and he protested thatwhenever he touched it, he was seized with a pleasant tickling at hisfingers' end, new life and activity in his arms, and a violent temptationin his mind to beat one or two sergeants, or such officers, provided theywere not of the shaveling kind. Homenas then said to us, The law wasformerly given to the Jews by Moses, written by God himself. At Delphos, before the portal of Apollo's temple, this sentence, GNOTHI SEAUTON, wasfound written with a divine hand. And some time after it, EI was alsoseen, and as divinely written and transmitted from heaven. Cybele's imagewas brought out of heaven, into a field called Pessinunt, in Phrygia; sowas that of Diana to Tauris, if you will believe Euripides; the oriflamme, or holy standard, was transmitted out of heaven to the noble and mostChristian kings of France, to fight against the unbelievers. In the reignof Numa Pompilius, second King of the Romans, the famous copper bucklercalled Ancile was seen to descend from heaven. At Acropolis, near Athens, Minerva's statue formerly fell from the empyreal heaven. In like mannerthe sacred decretals which you see were written with the hand of an angelof the cherubim kind. You outlandish people will hardly believe this, Ifear. Little enough, of conscience, said Panurge. And then, continuedHomenas, they were miraculously transmitted to us here from the very heavenof heavens; in the same manner as the river Nile is called Diipetes byHomer, the father of all philosophy--the holy decretals always excepted. Now, because you have seen the pope, their evangelist and everlastingprotector, we will give you leave to see and kiss them on the inside, ifyou think meet. But then you must fast three days before, and canonicallyconfess; nicely and strictly mustering up and inventorizing your sins, great and small, so thick that one single circumstance of them may notescape you; as our holy decretals, which you see, direct. This will takeup some time. Man of God, answered Panurge, we have seen and descrieddecrees, and eke decretals enough o' conscience; some on paper, other onparchment, fine and gay like any painted paper lantern, some on vellum, some in manuscript, and others in print; so you need not take half thesepains to show us these. We'll take the goodwill for the deed, and thankyou as much as if we had. Ay, marry, said Homenas, but you never saw thesethat are angelically written. Those in your country are only transcriptsfrom ours; as we find it written by one of our old decretaline scholiasts. For me, do not spare me; I do not value the labour, so I may serve you. Dobut tell me whether you will be confessed and fast only three short littledays of God? As for shriving, answered Panurge, there can be no great harmin't; but this same fasting, master of mine, will hardly down with us atthis time, for we have so very much overfasted ourselves at sea that thespiders have spun their cobwebs over our grinders. Do but look on thisgood Friar John des Entomeures (Homenas then courteously demi-clipped himabout the neck), some moss is growing in his throat for want of bestirringand exercising his chaps. He speaks the truth, vouched Friar John; I haveso much fasted that I'm almost grown hump-shouldered. Come, then, let's gointo the church, said Homenas; and pray forgive us if for the present we donot sing you a fine high mass. The hour of midday is past, and after itour sacred decretals forbid us to sing mass, I mean your high and lawfulmass. But I'll say a low and dry one for you. I had rather have onemoistened with some good Anjou wine, cried Panurge; fall to, fall to yourlow mass, and despatch. Ods-bodikins, quoth Friar John, it frets me to theguts that I must have an empty stomach at this time of day; for, had Ieaten a good breakfast and fed like a monk, if he should chance to sing usthe Requiem aeternam dona eis, Domine, I had then brought thither bread andwine for the traits passes (those that are gone before). Well, patience;pull away, and save tide; short and sweet, I pray you, and this for acause. 

Chapter 4. L. 

How Homenas showed us the archetype, or representation of a pope. 

Mass being mumbled over, Homenas took a huge bundle of keys out of a trunknear the head altar, and put thirty-two of them into so many keyholes; putback so many springs; then with fourteen more mastered so many padlocks, and at last opened an iron window strongly barred above the said altar. This being done, in token of great mystery he covered himself with wetsackcloth, and drawing a curtain of crimson satin, showed us an imagedaubed over, coarsely enough, to my thinking; then he touched it with apretty long stick, and made us all kiss the part of the stick that hadtouched the image. After this he said unto us, What think you of thisimage? It is the likeness of a pope, answered Pantagruel; I know it by thetriple crown, his furred amice, his rochet, and his slipper. You are inthe right, said Homenas; it is the idea of that same good god on earthwhose coming we devoutly await, and whom we hope one day to see in thiscountry. O happy, wished-for, and much-expected day! and happy, most happyyou, whose propitious stars have so favoured you as to let you see theliving and real face of this good god on earth! by the single sight ofwhose picture we obtain full remission of all the sins which we rememberthat we have committed, as also a third part and eighteen quarantaines ofthe sins which we have forgot; and indeed we only see it on high annualholidays. 

This caused Pantagruel to say that it was a work like those which Daedalusused to make, since, though it were deformed and ill drawn, neverthelesssome divine energy, in point of pardons, lay hid and concealed in it. Thus, said Friar John, at Seuille, the rascally beggars being one eveningon a solemn holiday at supper in the spital, one bragged of having got sixblancs, or twopence halfpenny; another eight liards, or twopence; a third, seven caroluses, or sixpence; but an old mumper made his vaunts of havinggot three testons, or five shillings. Ah, but, cried his comrades, thouhast a leg of God; as if, continued Friar John, some divine virtue couldlie hid in a stinking ulcerated rotten shank. Pray, said Pantagruel, whenyou are for telling us some such nauseous tale, be so kind as not to forgetto provide a basin, Friar John; I'll assure you, I had much ado to forbearbringing up my breakfast. Fie! I wonder a man of your coat is not ashamedto use thus the sacred name of God in speaking of things so filthy andabominable! fie, I say. If among your monking tribes such an abuse ofwords is allowed, I beseech you leave it there, and do not let it come outof the cloisters. Physicians, said Epistemon, thus attribute a kind ofdivinity to some diseases. Nero also extolled mushrooms, and, in a Greekproverb, termed them divine food, because with them he had poisonedClaudius his predecessor. But methinks, gentlemen, this same picture isnot over-like our late popes. For I have seen them, not with theirpallium, amice, or rochet on, but with helmets on their heads, more likethe top of a Persian turban; and while the Christian commonwealth was inpeace, they alone were most furiously and cruelly making war. This musthave been then, returned Homenas, against the rebellious, hereticalProtestants; reprobates who are disobedient to the holiness of this goodgod on earth. 'Tis not only lawful for him to do so, but it is enjoinedhim by the sacred decretals; and if any dare transgress one single iotaagainst their commands, whether they be emperors, kings, dukes, princes, orcommonwealths, he is immediately to pursue them with fire and sword, stripthem of all their goods, take their kingdoms from them, proscribe them, anathematize them, and destroy not only their bodies, those of theirchildren, relations, and others, but damn also their souls to the verybottom of the most hot and burning cauldron in hell. Here, in the devil'sname, said Panurge, the people are no heretics; such as was ourRaminagrobis, and as they are in Germany and England. You are Christiansof the best edition, all picked and culled, for aught I see. Ay, marry arewe, returned Homenas, and for that reason we shall all be saved. Now letus go and bless ourselves with holy water, and then to dinner. 

Chapter 4. LI. 

Table-talk in praise of the decretals. 

Now, topers, pray observe that while Homenas was saying his dry mass, threecollectors, or licensed beggars of the church, each of them with a largebasin, went round among the people, with a loud voice: Pray remember theblessed men who have seen his face. As we came out of the temple theybrought their basins brimful of Papimany chink to Homenas, who told us thatit was plentifully to feast with; and that, of this contribution andvoluntary tax, one part should be laid out in good drinking, another ingood eating, and the remainder in both, according to an admirableexposition hidden in a corner of their holy decretals; which was performedto a T, and that at a noted tavern not much unlike that of Will's atAmiens. Believe me, we tickled it off there with copious cramming andnumerous swilling. 

I made two notable observations at that dinner: the one, that there wasnot one dish served up, whether of cabrittas, capons, hogs (of which latterthere is great plenty in Papimany), pigeons, coneys, leverets, turkeys, orothers, without abundance of magistral stuff; the other, that every course, and the fruit also, were served up by unmarried females of the place, tightlasses, I'll assure you, waggish, fair, good-conditioned, and comely, spruce, and fit for business. They were all clad in fine long white albs, with two girts; their hair interwoven with narrow tape and purple ribbon, stuck with roses, gillyflowers, marjoram, daffadowndillies, thyme, andother sweet flowers. 

At every cadence they invited us to drink and bang it about, dropping usneat and genteel courtesies; nor was the sight of them unwelcome to all thecompany; and as for Friar John, he leered on them sideways, like a cur thatsteals a capon. When the first course was taken off, the femalesmelodiously sung us an epode in the praise of the sacrosanct decretals; andthen the second course being served up, Homenas, joyful and cheery, said toone of the she-butlers, Light here, Clerica. Immediately one of the girlsbrought him a tall-boy brimful of extravagant wine. He took fast hold ofit, and fetching a deep sigh, said to Pantagruel, My lord, and you, my goodfriends, here's t'ye, with all my heart; you are all very welcome. When hehad tipped that off, and given the tall-boy to the pretty creature, helifted up his voice and said, O most holy decretals, how good is good winefound through your means! This is the best jest we have had yet, observedPanurge. But it would still be a better, said Pantagruel, if they couldturn bad wine into good. 

O seraphic Sextum! continued Homenas, how necessary are you not to thesalvation of poor mortals! O cherubic Clementinae! how perfectly theperfect institution of a true Christian is contained and described in you!O angelical Extravagantes! how many poor souls that wander up and down inmortal bodies through this vale of misery would perish were it not for you!When, ah! when shall this special gift of grace be bestowed on mankind, asto lay aside all other studies and concerns, to use you, to peruse you, tounderstand you, to know you by heart, to practise you, to incorporate you, to turn you into blood, and incentre you into the deepest ventricles oftheir brains, the inmost marrow of their bones, and most intricatelabyrinth of their arteries? Then, ah! then, and no sooner than then, norotherwise than thus, shall the world be happy! While the old man was thusrunning on, Epistemon rose and softly said to Panurge: For want of aclose-stool, I must even leave you for a moment or two; this stuff hasunbunged the orifice of my mustard-barrel; but I'll not tarry long. 

Then, ah! then, continued Homenas, no hail, frost, ice, snow, overflowing, or vis major; then plenty of all earthly goods here below. Thenuninterrupted and eternal peace through the universe, an end of all wars, plunderings, drudgeries, robbing, assassinates, unless it be to destroythese cursed rebels the heretics. Oh! then, rejoicing, cheerfulness, jollity, solace, sports, and delicious pleasures, over the face of theearth. Oh! what great learning, inestimable erudition, and god-likeprecepts are knit, linked, rivetted, and mortised in the divine chapters ofthese eternal decretals!

Oh! how wonderfully, if you read but one demi-canon, short paragraph, orsingle observation of these sacrosanct decretals, how wonderfully, I say, do you not perceive to kindle in your hearts a furnace of divine love, charity towards your neighbour (provided he be no heretic), bold contemptof all casual and sublunary things, firm content in all your affections, and ecstatic elevation of soul even to the third heaven. 

Chapter 4. LII. 

A continuation of the miracles caused by the decretals. 

Wisely, brother Timothy, quoth Panurge, did am, did am; he says blew; but, for my part, I believe as little of it as I can. For one day by chance Ihappened to read a chapter of them at Poictiers, at the mostdecretalipotent Scotch doctor's, and old Nick turn me into bumfodder, ifthis did not make me so hide-bound and costive, that for four or five daysI hardly scumbered one poor butt of sir-reverence; and that, too, was fullas dry and hard, I protest, as Catullus tells us were those of hisneighbour Furius:

 Nec toto decies cacas in anno, Atque id durius est faba, et lapillis: Quod tu si manibus teras, fricesque, Non unquam digitum inquinare posses. 

Oh, ho! cried Homenas; by'r lady, it may be you were then in the state ofmortal sin, my friend. Well turned, cried Panurge; this was a new strain, egad. 

One day, said Friar John, at Seuille, I had applied to my posteriors, byway of hind-towel, a leaf of an old Clementinae which our rent-gatherer, John Guimard, had thrown out into the green of our cloister. Now the devilbroil me like a black pudding, if I wasn't so abominably plagued withchaps, chawns, and piles at the fundament, that the orifice of my poornockandroe was in a most woeful pickle for I don't know how long. By'r ourlady, cried Homenas, it was a plain punishment of God for the sin that youhad committed in beraying that sacred book, which you ought rather to havekissed and adored; I say with an adoration of latria, or of hyperdulia atleast. The Panormitan never told a lie in the matter. 

Saith Ponocrates: At Montpelier, John Chouart having bought of the monksof St. Olary a delicate set of decretals, written on fine large parchmentof Lamballe, to beat gold between the leaves, not so much as a piece thatwas beaten in them came to good, but all were dilacerated and spoiled. Mark this! cried Homenas; 'twas a divine punishment and vengeance. 

At Mans, said Eudemon, Francis Cornu, apothecary, had turned an old set ofExtravagantes into waste paper. May I never stir, if whatever was lappedup in them was not immediately corrupted, rotten, and spoiled; incense, pepper, cloves, cinnamon, saffron, wax, cassia, rhubarb, tamarinds, alldrugs and spices, were lost without exception. Mark, mark, quoth Homenas, an effect of divine justice! This comes of putting the sacred Scripturesto such profane uses. 

At Paris, said Carpalin, Snip Groignet the tailor had turned an oldClementinae into patterns and measures, and all the clothes that were cuton them were utterly spoiled and lost; gowns, hoods, cloaks, cassocks, jerkins, jackets, waistcoats, capes, doublets, petticoats, corps de robes, farthingales, and so forth. Snip, thinking to cut a hood, would cut youout a codpiece; instead of a cassock he would make you a high-crowned hat;for a waistcoat he'd shape you out a rochet; on the pattern of a doublethe'd make you a thing like a frying-pan. Then his journeymen havingstitched it up did jag it and pink it at the bottom, and so it looked likea pan to fry chestnuts. Instead of a cape he made a buskin; for afarthingale he shaped a montero cap; and thinking to make a cloak, he'd cutout a pair of your big out-strouting Swiss breeches, with panes like theoutside of a tabor. Insomuch that Snip was condemned to make good thestuffs to all his customers; and to this day poor Cabbage's hair growsthrough his hood and his arse through his pocket-holes. Mark, an effect ofheavenly wrath and vengeance! cried Homenas. 

At Cahusac, said Gymnast, a match being made by the lords of Estissac andViscount Lausun to shoot at a mark, Perotou had taken to pieces a set ofdecretals and set one of the leaves for the white to shoot at. Now I sell, nay, I give and bequeath for ever and aye, the mould of my doublet tofifteen hundred hampers full of black devils, if ever any archer in thecountry (though they are singular marksmen in Guienne) could hit the white. Not the least bit of the holy scribble was contaminated or touched; nay, and Sansornin the elder, who held stakes, swore to us, figues dioures, hardfigs (his greatest oath), that he had openly, visibly, and manifestly seenthe bolt of Carquelin moving right to the round circle in the middle of thewhite; and that just on the point, when it was going to hit and enter, ithad gone aside above seven foot and four inches wide of it towards thebakehouse. 

Miracle! cried Homenas, miracle! miracle! Clerica, come wench, light, light here. Here's to you all, gentlemen; I vow you seem to me very soundChristians. While he said this, the maidens began to snicker at his elbow, grinning, giggling, and twittering among themselves. Friar John began topaw, neigh, and whinny at the snout's end, as one ready to leap, or atleast to play the ass, and get up and ride tantivy to the devil like abeggar on horseback. 

Methinks, said Pantagruel, a man might have been more out of danger nearthe white of which Gymnast spoke than was formerly Diogenes near another. How is that? asked Homenas; what was it? Was he one of our decretalists?Rarely fallen in again, egad, said Epistemon, returning from stool; I seehe will hook his decretals in, though by the head and shoulders. 

Diogenes, said Pantagruel, one day for pastime went to see some archersthat shot at butts, one of whom was so unskilful, that when it was his turnto shoot all the bystanders went aside, lest he should mistake them for themark. Diogenes had seen him shoot extremely wide of it; so when the otherwas taking aim a second time, and the people removed at a great distance tothe right and left of the white, he placed himself close by the mark, holding that place to be the safest, and that so bad an archer wouldcertainly rather hit any other. 

One of the Lord d'Estissac's pages at last found out the charm, pursuedGymnast, and by his advice Perotou put in another white made up of somepapers of Pouillac's lawsuit, and then everyone shot cleverly. 

At Landerousse, said Rhizotome, at John Delif's wedding were very greatdoings, as 'twas then the custom of the country. After supper severalfarces, interludes, and comical scenes were acted; they had also severalmorris-dancers with bells and tabors, and divers sorts of masks and mummerswere let in. My schoolfellows and I, to grace the festival to the best ofour power (for fine white and purple liveries had been given to all of usin the morning), contrived a merry mask with store of cockle-shells, shellsof snails, periwinkles, and such other. Then for want of cuckoo-pint, orpriest-pintle, lousebur, clote, and paper, we made ourselves false faceswith the leaves of an old Sextum that had been thrown by and lay there foranyone that would take it up, cutting out holes for the eyes, nose, andmouth. Now, did you ever hear the like since you were born? When we hadplayed our little boyish antic tricks, and came to take off our sham faces, we appeared more hideous and ugly than the little devils that acted thePassion at Douay; for our faces were utterly spoiled at the places whichhad been touched by those leaves. One had there the small-pox; another, God's token, or the plague-spot; a third, the crinckums; a fourth, themeasles; a fifth, botches, pushes, and carbuncles; in short, he came offthe least hurt who only lost his teeth by the bargain. Miracle! bawled outHomenas, miracle!

Hold, hold! cried Rhizotome; it is not yet time to clap. My sister Kateand my sister Ren had put the crepines of their hoods, their ruffles, snuffekins, and neck-ruffs new washed, starched, and ironed, into that verybook of decretals; for, you must know, it was covered with thick boards andhad strong clasps. Now, by the virtue of God--Hold, interrupted Homenas, what god do you mean? There is but one, answered Rhizotome. In heaven, Igrant, replied Homenas; but we have another here on earth, do you see? Ay, marry have we, said Rhizotome; but on my soul I protest I had quite forgotit. Well then, by the virtue of god the pope, their pinners, neck-ruffs, bib, coifs, and other linen turned as black as a charcoal-man's sack. Miracle! cried Homenas. Here, Clerica, light me here; and prithee, girl, observe these rare stories. How comes it to pass then, asked Friar John, that people say, Ever since decrees had tails, And gendarmes lugged heavy mails, Since each monk would have a horse, All went here from bad to worse. 

I understand you, answered Homenas; this is one of the quirks and littlesatires of the new-fangled heretics. 

Chapter 4. LIII. 

How by the virtue of the decretals, gold is subtilely drawn out of Franceto Rome. 

I would, said Epistemon, it had cost me a pint of the best tripe that evercan enter into gut, so we had but compared with the original the dreadfulchapters, Execrabilis, De multa, Si plures; De annatis per totum; Nisiessent; Cum ad monasterium; Quod delectio; Mandatum; and certain others, that draw every year out of France to Rome four hundred thousand ducats andmore. 

Do you make nothing of this? asked Homenas. Though, methinks, after all, it is but little, if we consider that France, the most Christian, is theonly nurse the see of Rome has. However, find me in the whole world abook, whether of philosophy, physic, law, mathematics, or other humanelearning, nay, even, by my God, of the Holy Scripture itself, will draw asmuch money thence? None, none, psha, tush, blurt, pish; none can. You maylook till your eyes drop out of your head, nay, till doomsday in theafternoon, before you can find another of that energy; I'll pass my wordfor that. 

Yet these devilish heretics refuse to learn and know it. Burn 'em, tear'em, nip 'em with hot pincers, drown 'em, hang 'em, spit 'em at thebunghole, pelt 'em, paut 'em, bruise 'em, beat 'em, cripple 'em, dismember'em, cut 'em, gut 'em, bowel 'em, paunch 'em, thrash 'em, slash 'em, gash'em, chop 'em, slice 'em, slit 'em, carve 'em, saw 'em, bethwack 'em, pare'em, hack 'em, hew 'em, mince 'em, flay 'em, boil 'em, broil 'em, roast'em, toast 'em, bake 'em, fry 'em, crucify 'em, crush 'em, squeeze 'em, grind 'em, batter 'em, burst 'em, quarter 'em, unlimb 'em, behump 'em, bethump 'em, belam 'em, belabour 'em, pepper 'em, spitchcock 'em, andcarbonade 'em on gridirons, these wicked heretics! decretalifuges, decretalicides, worse than homicides, worse than patricides, decretalictones of the devil of hell. 

As for you other good people, I must earnestly pray and beseech you tobelieve no other thing, to think on, say, undertake, or do no other thing, than what's contained in our sacred decretals and their corollaries, thisfine Sextum, these fine Clementinae, these fine Extravagantes. O deificbooks! So shall you enjoy glory, honour, exaltation, wealth, dignities, and preferments in this world; be revered and dreaded by all, preferred, elected, and chosen above all men. 

For there is not under the cope of heaven a condition of men out of whichyou'll find persons fitter to do and handle all things than those who bydivine prescience, eternal predestination, have applied themselves to thestudy of the holy decretals. 

Would you choose a worthy emperor, a good captain, a fit general in time ofwar, one that can well foresee all inconveniences, avoid all dangers, briskly and bravely bring his men on to a breach or attack, still be onsure grounds, always overcome without loss of his men, and know how to makea good use of his victory? Take me a decretist. No, no, I mean adecretalist. Ho, the foul blunder, whispered Epistemon. 

Would you, in time of peace, find a man capable of wisely governing thestate of a commonwealth, of a kingdom, of an empire, of a monarchy;sufficient to maintain the clergy, nobility, senate, and commons in wealth, friendship, unity, obedience, virtue, and honesty? Take a decretalist. 

Would you find a man who, by his exemplary life, eloquence, and piousadmonitions, may in a short time, without effusion of human blood, conquerthe Holy Land, and bring over to the holy Church the misbelieving Turks, Jews, Tartars, Muscovites, Mamelukes, and Sarrabonites? Take me adecretalist. 

What makes, in many countries, the people rebellious and depraved, pagessaucy and mischievous, students sottish and duncical? Nothing but thattheir governors and tutors were not decretalists. 

But what, on your conscience, was it, do you think, that established, confirmed, and authorized those fine religious orders with whom you see theChristian world everywhere adorned, graced, and illustrated, as thefirmament is with its glorious stars? The holy decretals. 

What was it that founded, underpropped, and fixed, and now maintains, nourishes, and feeds the devout monks and friars in convents, monasteries, and abbeys; so that did they not daily and mightily pray without ceasing, the world would be in evident danger of returning to its primitive chaos?The sacred decretals. 

What makes and daily increases the famous and celebrated patrimony of St. Peter in plenty of all temporal, corporeal, and spiritual blessings? Theholy decretals. 

What made the holy apostolic see and pope of Rome, in all times, and atthis present, so dreadful in the universe, that all kings, emperors, potentates, and lords, willing, nilling, must depend upon him, hold of him, be crowned, confirmed, and authorized by him, come thither to strike sail, buckle, and fall down before his holy slipper, whose picture you have seen?The mighty decretals of God. 

I will discover you a great secret. The universities of your world havecommonly a book, either open or shut, in their arms and devices; what bookdo you think it is? Truly, I do not know, answered Pantagruel; I neverread it. It is the decretals, said Homenas, without which the privilegesof all universities would soon be lost. You must own that I have taughtyou this; ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Here Homenas began to belch, to fart, to funk, to laugh, to slaver, and tosweat; and then he gave his huge greasy four-cornered cap to one of thelasses, who clapped it on her pretty head with a great deal of joy, aftershe had lovingly bussed it, as a sure token that she should be firstmarried. Vivat, cried Epistemon, fifat, bibat, pipat. 

O apocalyptic secret! continued Homenas; light, light, Clerica; light herewith double lanterns. Now for the fruit, virgins. 

I was saying, then, that giving yourselves thus wholly to the study of theholy decretals, you will gain wealth and honour in this world. I add, thatin the next you will infallibly be saved in the blessed kingdom of heaven, whose keys are given to our good god and decretaliarch. O my good god, whom I adore and never saw, by thy special grace open unto us, at the pointof death at least, this most sacred treasure of our holy Mother Church, whose protector, preserver, butler, chief-larder, administrator, anddisposer thou art; and take care, I beseech thee, O lord, that the preciousworks of supererogation, the goodly pardons, do not fail us in time ofneed; so that the devils may not find an opportunity to gripe our precioussouls, and the dreadful jaws of hell may not swallow us. If we must passthrough purgatory thy will be done. It is in thy power to draw us out ofit when thou pleasest. Here Homenas began to shed huge hot briny tears, tobeat his breast, and kiss his thumbs in the shape of a cross. 

Chapter 4. LIV. 

How Homenas gave Pantagruel some bon-Christian pears. 

Epistemon, Friar John, and Panurge, seeing this doleful catastrophe, began, under the cover of their napkins, to cry Meeow, meeow, meeow; feigning towipe their eyes all the while as if they had wept. The wenches were doublydiligent, and brought brimmers of Clementine wine to every one, besidesstore of sweetmeats; and thus the feasting was revived. 

Before we arose from table, Homenas gave us a great quantity of fair largepears, saying, Here, my good friends, these are singular good pears. Youwill find none such anywhere else, I dare warrant. Every soil bears noteverything, you know. India alone boasts black ebony; the best incense isproduced in Sabaea; the sphragitid earth at Lemnos; so this island is theonly place where such fine pears grow. You may, if you please, makeseminaries with their pippins in your country. 

I like their taste extremely, said Pantagruel. If they were sliced, andput into a pan on the fire with wine and sugar, I fancy they would be verywholesome meat for the sick, as well as for the healthy. Pray what do youcall 'em? No otherwise than you have heard, replied Homenas. We are aplain downright sort of people, as God would have it, and call figs, figs;plums, plums; and pears, pears. Truly, said Pantagruel, if I live to gohome--which I hope will be speedily, God willing--I'll set off and graffsome in my garden in Touraine, by the banks of the Loire, and will callthem bon-Christian or good-Christian pears, for I never saw betterChristians than are these good Papimans. I would like him two to onebetter yet, said Friar John, would he but give us two or three cartloads ofyon buxom lasses. Why, what would you do with them? cried Homenas. QuothFriar John, No harm, only bleed the kind-hearted souls straight between thetwo great toes with certain clever lancets of the right stamp; by whichoperation good Christian children would be inoculated upon them, and thebreed be multiplied in our country, in which there are not many over-good, the more's the pity. 

Nay, verily, replied Homenas, we cannot do this; for you would make themtread their shoes awry, crack their pipkins, and spoil their shapes. Youlove mutton, I see; you will run at sheep. I know you by that same noseand hair of yours, though I never saw your face before. Alas! alas! howkind you are! And would you indeed damn your precious soul? Our decretalsforbid this. Ah, I wish you had them at your finger's-end. Patience, saidFriar John; but, si tu non vis dare, praesta, quaesumus. Matter ofbreviary. As for that, I defy all the world, and I fear no man that wearsa head and a hood, though he were a crystalline, I mean a decretalinedoctor. 

Dinner being over, we took our leave of the right reverend Homenas, and ofall the good people, humbly giving thanks; and, to make them amends fortheir kind entertainment, promised them that, at our coming to Rome, wewould make our applications so effectually to the pope that he wouldspeedily be sure to come to visit them in person. After this we wento'board. 

Pantagruel, by an act of generosity, and as an acknowledgment of the sightof the pope's picture, gave Homenas nine pieces of double friezed cloth ofgold to be set before the grates of the window. He also caused the churchbox for its repairs and fabric to be quite filled with double crowns ofgold; and ordered nine hundred and fourteen angels to be delivered to eachof the lasses who had waited at table, to buy them husbands when they couldget them. 

Chapter 4. LV. 

How Pantagruel, being at sea, heard various unfrozen words. 

When we were at sea, junketting, tippling, discoursing, and tellingstories, Pantagruel rose and stood up to look out; then asked us, Do youhear nothing, gentlemen? Methinks I hear some people talking in the air, yet I can see nobody. Hark! According to his command we listened, andwith full ears sucked in the air as some of you suck oysters, to find if wecould hear some sound scattered through the sky; and to lose none of it, like the Emperor Antoninus some of us laid their hands hollow next to theirears; but all this would not do, nor could we hear any voice. YetPantagruel continued to assure us he heard various voices in the air, someof men, and some of women. 

At last we began to fancy that we also heard something, or at least thatour ears tingled; and the more we listened, the plainer we discerned thevoices, so as to distinguish articulate sounds. This mightily frightenedus, and not without cause; since we could see nothing, yet heard suchvarious sounds and voices of men, women, children, horses, &c. , insomuchthat Panurge cried out, Cods-belly, there is no fooling with the devil; weare all beshit, let's fly. There is some ambuscado hereabouts. FriarJohn, art thou here my love? I pray thee, stay by me, old boy. Hast thougot thy swindging tool? See that it do not stick in thy scabbard; thounever scourest it half as it should be. We are undone. Hark! They areguns, gad judge me. Let's fly, I do not say with hands and feet, as Brutussaid at the battle of Pharsalia; I say, with sails and oars. Let's whip itaway. I never find myself to have a bit of courage at sea; in cellars andelsewhere I have more than enough. Let's fly and save our bacon. I do notsay this for any fear that I have; for I dread nothing but danger, that Idon't; I always say it that shouldn't. The free archer of Baignolet saidas much. Let us hazard nothing, therefore, I say, lest we come off bluely. Tack about, helm a-lee, thou son of a bachelor. Would I were now well inQuinquenais, though I were never to marry. Haste away, let's make all thesail we can. They'll be too hard for us; we are not able to cope withthem; they are ten to our one, I'll warrant you. Nay, and they are ontheir dunghill, while we do not know the country. They will be the deathof us. We'll lose no honour by flying. Demosthenes saith that the manthat runs away may fight another day. At least let us retreat to theleeward. Helm a-lee; bring the main-tack aboard, haul the bowlines, hoistthe top-gallants. We are all dead men; get off, in the devil's name, getoff. 

Pantagruel, hearing the sad outcry which Panurge made, said, Who talks offlying? Let's first see who they are; perhaps they may be friends. I candiscover nobody yet, though I can see a hundred miles round me. But let'sconsider a little. I have read that a philosopher named Petron was ofopinion that there were several worlds that touched each other in anequilateral triangle; in whose centre, he said, was the dwelling of truth;and that the words, ideas, copies, and images of all things past and tocome resided there; round which was the age; and that with success of timepart of them used to fall on mankind like rheums and mildews, just as thedew fell on Gideon's fleece, till the age was fulfilled. 

I also remember, continued he, that Aristotle affirms Homer's words to beflying, moving, and consequently animated. Besides, Antiphanes said thatPlato's philosophy was like words which, being spoken in some countryduring a hard winter, are immediately congealed, frozen up, and not heard;for what Plato taught young lads could hardly be understood by them whenthey were grown old. Now, continued he, we should philosophize and searchwhether this be not the place where those words are thawed. 

You would wonder very much should this be the head and lyre of Orpheus. When the Thracian women had torn him to pieces they threw his head and lyreinto the river Hebrus, down which they floated to the Euxine sea as far asthe island of Lesbos; the head continually uttering a doleful song, as itwere lamenting the death of Orpheus, and the lyre, with the wind's impulsemoving its strings and harmoniously accompanying the voice. Let's see ifwe cannot discover them hereabouts. 

Chapter 4. LVI. 

How among the frozen words Pantagruel found some odd ones. 

The skipper made answer: Be not afraid, my lord; we are on the confines ofthe Frozen Sea, on which, about the beginning of last winter, happened agreat and bloody fight between the Arimaspians and the Nephelibates. Thenthe words and cries of men and women, the hacking, slashing, and hewing ofbattle-axes, the shocking, knocking, and jolting of armours and harnesses, the neighing of horses, and all other martial din and noise, froze in theair; and now, the rigour of the winter being over, by the succeedingserenity and warmth of the weather they melt and are heard. 

By jingo, quoth Panurge, the man talks somewhat like. I believe him. Butcouldn't we see some of 'em? I think I have read that, on the edge of themountain on which Moses received the Judaic law, the people saw the voicessensibly. Here, here, said Pantagruel, here are some that are not yetthawed. He then threw us on the deck whole handfuls of frozen words, whichseemed to us like your rough sugar-plums, of many colours, like those usedin heraldry; some words gules (this means also jests and merry sayings), some vert, some azure, some black, some or (this means also fair words);and when we had somewhat warmed them between our hands, they melted likesnow, and we really heard them, but could not understand them, for it was abarbarous gibberish. One of them only, that was pretty big, having beenwarmed between Friar John's hands, gave a sound much like that of chestnutswhen they are thrown into the fire without being first cut, which made usall start. This was the report of a field-piece in its time, cried FriarJohn. 

Panurge prayed Pantagruel to give him some more; but Pantagruel told himthat to give words was the part of a lover. Sell me some then, I pray you, cried Panurge. That's the part of a lawyer, returned Pantagruel. I wouldsooner sell you silence, though at a dearer rate; as Demosthenes formerlysold it by the means of his argentangina, or silver squinsy. 

However, he threw three or four handfuls of them on the deck; among which Iperceived some very sharp words, and some bloody words, which the pilotsaid used sometimes to go back and recoil to the place whence they came, but it was with a slit weasand. We also saw some terrible words, and someothers not very pleasant to the eye. 

When they had been all melted together, we heard a strange noise, hin, hin, hin, hin, his, tick, tock, taack, bredelinbrededack, frr, frr, frr, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, track, track, trr, trr, trr, trrr, trrrrrr, on, on, on, on, on, on, ououououon, gog, magog, and I do not knowwhat other barbarous words, which the pilot said were the noise made by thecharging squadrons, the shock and neighing of horses. 

Then we heard some large ones go off like drums and fifes, and others likeclarions and trumpets. Believe me, we had very good sport with them. Iwould fain have saved some merry odd words, and have preserved them in oil, as ice and snow are kept, and between clean straw. But Pantagruel wouldnot let me, saying that 'tis a folly to hoard up what we are never like towant or have always at hand, odd, quaint, merry, and fat words of gulesnever being scarce among all good and jovial Pantagruelists. 

Panurge somewhat vexed Friar John, and put him in the pouts; for he tookhim at his word while he dreamed of nothing less. This caused the friar tothreaten him with such a piece of revenge as was put upon G. Jousseaume, who having taken the merry Patelin at his word when he had overbid himselfin some cloth, was afterwards fairly taken by the horns like a bullock byhis jovial chapman, whom he took at his word like a man. Panurge, wellknowing that threatened folks live long, bobbed and made mouths at him intoken of derision, then cried, Would I had here the word of the HolyBottle, without being thus obliged to go further in pilgrimage to her. 

Chapter 4. LVII. 

How Pantagruel went ashore at the dwelling of Gaster, the first master ofarts in the world. 

That day Pantagruel went ashore in an island which, for situation andgovernor, may be said not to have its fellow. When you just come into it, you find it rugged, craggy, and barren, unpleasant to the eye, painful tothe feet, and almost as inaccessible as the mountain of Dauphine, which issomewhat like a toadstool, and was never climbed as any can remember by anybut Doyac, who had the charge of King Charles the Eighth's train ofartillery. 

This same Doyac with strange tools and engines gained that mountain's top, and there he found an old ram. It puzzled many a wise head to guess how itgot thither. Some said that some eagle or great horncoot, having carriedit thither while it was yet a lambkin, it had got away and saved itselfamong the bushes. 

As for us, having with much toil and sweat overcome the difficult ways atthe entrance, we found the top of the mountain so fertile, healthful, andpleasant, that I thought I was then in the true garden of Eden, or earthlyparadise, about whose situation our good theologues are in such a quandaryand keep such a pother. 

As for Pantagruel, he said that here was the seat of Arete--that is as muchas to say, virtue--described by Hesiod. This, however, with submission tobetter judgments. The ruler of this place was one Master Gaster, the firstmaster of arts in this world. For, if you believe that fire is the greatmaster of arts, as Tully writes, you very much wrong him and yourself;alas! Tully never believed this. On the other side, if you fancy Mercuryto be the first inventor of arts, as our ancient Druids believed of old, you are mightily beside the mark. The satirist's sentence, that affirmsMaster Gaster to be the master of all arts, is true. With him peacefullyresided old goody Penia, alias Poverty, the mother of the ninety-nineMuses, on whom Porus, the lord of Plenty, formerly begot Love, that noblechild, the mediator of heaven and earth, as Plato affirms in Symposio. 

We were all obliged to pay our homage and swear allegiance to that mightysovereign; for he is imperious, severe, blunt, hard, uneasy, inflexible;you cannot make him believe, represent to him, or persuade him anything. 

He does not hear; and as the Egyptians said that Harpocrates, the god ofsilence, named Sigalion in Greek, was astome, that is, without a mouth, soGaster was created without ears, even like the image of Jupiter in Candia. 

He only speaks by signs, but those signs are more readily obeyed byeveryone than the statutes of senates or commands of monarchs. Neitherwill he admit the least let or delay in his summons. You say that when alion roars all the beasts at a considerable distance round about, as far ashis roar can be heard, are seized with a shivering. This is written, it istrue, I have seen it. I assure you that at Master Gaster's command the veryheavens tremble, and all the earth shakes. His command is called, Do thisor die. Needs must when the devil drives; there's no gainsaying of it. 

The pilot was telling us how, on a certain time, after the manner of themembers that mutinied against the belly, as Aesop describes it, the wholekingdom of the Somates went off into a direct faction against Gaster, resolving to throw off his yoke; but they soon found their mistake, andmost humbly submitted, for otherwise they had all been famished. 

What company soever he is in, none dispute with him for precedence orsuperiority; he still goes first, though kings, emperors, or even the pope, were there. So he held the first place at the council of Basle; thoughsome will tell you that the council was tumultuous by the contention andambition of many for priority. 

Everyone is busied and labours to serve him, and indeed, to make amends forthis, he does this good to mankind, as to invent for them all arts, machines, trades, engines, and crafts; he even instructs brutes in artswhich are against their nature, making poets of ravens, jackdaws, chattering jays, parrots, and starlings, and poetesses of magpies, teachingthem to utter human language, speak, and sing; and all for the gut. Hereclaims and tames eagles, gerfalcons, falcons gentle, sakers, lanners, goshawks, sparrowhawks, merlins, haggards, passengers, wild rapaciousbirds; so that, setting them free in the air whenever he thinks fit, ashigh and as long as he pleases, he keeps them suspended, straying, flying, hovering, and courting him above the clouds. Then on a sudden he makesthem stoop, and come down amain from heaven next to the ground; and all forthe gut. 

Elephants, lions, rhinoceroses, bears, horses, mares, and dogs, he teachesto dance, prance, vault, fight, swim, hide themselves, fetch and carry whathe pleases; and all for the gut. 

Salt and fresh-water fish, whales, and the monsters of the main, he bringsthem up from the bottom of the deep; wolves he forces out of the woods, bears out of the rocks, foxes out of their holes, and serpents out of theground, and all for the gut. 

In short, he is so unruly, that in his rage he devours all men and beasts;as was seen among the Vascons, when Q. Metellus besieged them in theSertorian wars, among the Saguntines besieged by Hannibal; among the Jewsbesieged by the Romans, and six hundred more; and all for the gut. Whenhis regent Penia takes a progress, wherever she moves all senates are shutup, all statutes repealed, all orders and proclamations vain; she knows, obeys, and has no law. All shun her, in every place choosing rather toexpose themselves to shipwreck at sea, and venture through fire, rocks, caves, and precipices, than be seized by that most dreadful tormentor. 

Chapter 4. LVIII. 

How, at the court of the master of ingenuity, Pantagruel detested theEngastrimythes and the Gastrolaters. 

At the court of that great master of ingenuity, Pantagruel observed twosorts of troublesome and too officious apparitors, whom he very muchdetested. The first were called Engastrimythes; the others, Gastrolaters. 

The first pretended to be descended of the ancient race of Eurycles, andfor this brought the authority of Aristophanes in his comedy called theWasps; whence of old they were called Euryclians, as Plato writes, andPlutarch in his book of the Cessation of Oracles. In the holy decrees, 26, qu. 3, they are styled Ventriloqui; and the same name is given them inIonian by Hippocrates, in his fifth book of Epid. , as men who speak fromthe belly. Sophocles calls them Sternomantes. These were soothsayers, enchanters, cheats, who gulled the mob, and seemed not to speak and giveanswers from the mouth, but from the belly. 

Such a one, about the year of our Lord 1513, was Jacoba Rodogina, anItalian woman of mean extract; from whose belly we, as well as an infinitenumber of others at Ferrara and elsewhere, have often heard the voice ofthe evil spirit speak, low, feeble, and small, indeed, but yet verydistinct, articulate, and intelligible, when she was sent for out ofcuriosity by the lords and princes of the Cisalpine Gaul. To remove allmanner of doubt, and be assured that this was not a trick, they used tohave her stripped stark naked, and caused her mouth and nose to be stopped. This evil spirit would be called Curled-pate, or Cincinnatulo, seemingpleased when any called him by that name, at which he was always ready toanswer. If any spoke to him of things past or present, he gave pertinentanswers, sometimes to the amazement of the hearers; but if of things tocome, then the devil was gravelled, and used to lie as fast as a dog cantrot. Nay, sometimes he seemed to own his ignorance, instead of an answerletting out a rousing fart, or muttering some words with barbarous anduncouth inflexions, and not to be understood. 

As for the Gastrolaters, they stuck close to one another in knots andgangs. Some of them merry, wanton, and soft as so many milk-sops; otherslouring, grim, dogged, demure, and crabbed; all idle, mortal foes tobusiness, spending half their time in sleeping and the rest in doingnothing, a rent-charge and dead unnecessary weight on the earth, as Hesiodsaith; afraid, as we judged, of offending or lessening their paunch. Others were masked, disguised, and so oddly dressed that it would have doneyou good to have seen them. 

There's a saying, and several ancient sages write, that the skill of natureappears wonderful in the pleasure which she seems to have taken in theconfiguration of sea-shells, so great is their variety in figures, colours, streaks, and inimitable shapes. I protest the variety we perceived in thedresses of the gastrolatrous coquillons was not less. They all ownedGaster for their supreme god, adored him as a god, offered him sacrificesas to their omnipotent deity, owned no other god, served, loved, andhonoured him above all things. 

You would have thought that the holy apostle spoke of those when he said(Phil. Chap. 3), Many walk, of whom I have told you often, and now tell youeven weeping, that they are enemies of the cross of Christ: whose end isdestruction, whose God is their belly. Pantagruel compared them to theCyclops Polyphemus, whom Euripides brings in speaking thus: I onlysacrifice to myself--not to the gods--and to this belly of mine, thegreatest of all the gods. 

Chapter 4. LIX. 

Of the ridiculous statue Manduce; and how and what the Gastrolaterssacrifice to their ventripotent god. 

While we fed our eyes with the sight of the phizzes and actions of theselounging gulligutted Gastrolaters, we on a sudden heard the sound of amusical instrument called a bell; at which all of them placed themselves inrank and file as for some mighty battle, everyone according to his office, degree, and seniority. 

In this order they moved towards Master Gaster, after a plump, young, lusty, gorbellied fellow, who on a long staff fairly gilt carried a woodenstatue, grossly carved, and as scurvily daubed over with paint; such a oneas Plautus, Juvenal, and Pomp. Festus describe it. At Lyons during theCarnival it is called Maschecroute or Gnawcrust; they call'd this Manduce. 

It was a monstrous, ridiculous, hideous figure, fit to fright littlechildren; its eyes were bigger than its belly, and its head larger than allthe rest of its body; well mouth-cloven however, having a goodly pair ofwide, broad jaws, lined with two rows of teeth, upper tier and under tier, which, by the magic of a small twine hid in the hollow part of the goldenstaff, were made to clash, clatter, and rattle dreadfully one againstanother; as they do at Metz with St. Clement's dragon. 

Coming near the Gastrolaters I saw they were followed by a great number offat waiters and tenders, laden with baskets, dossers, hampers, dishes, wallets, pots, and kettles. Then, under the conduct of Manduce, andsinging I do not know what dithyrambics, crepalocomes, and epenons, openingtheir baskets and pots, they offered their god:

White hippocras, Fricassees, nine Cold loins of veal, with dry toasts. Sorts. With spice. White bread. Monastical brewis. Zinziberine. Brown bread. Gravy soup. Beatille pies. Carbonadoes, six Hotch-pots. Brewis. Sorts. Soft bread. Marrow-bones, toast, Brawn. Household bread. And cabbage. Sweetbreads. Capirotadoes. Hashes. 

Eternal drink intermixed. Brisk delicate white wine led the van; claretand champagne followed, cool, nay, as cold as the very ice, I say, filledand offered in large silver cups. Then they offered:

Chitterlings, gar- Chines and peas. Hams. Nished with mus- Hog's haslets. Brawn heads. Tard. Scotch collops. Powdered venison, Sausages. Puddings. With turnips. Neats' tongues. Cervelats. Pickled olives. Hung beef. Bologna sausages. 

All this associated with sempiternal liquor. Then they housed within hismuzzle:

Legs of mutton, with Ribs of pork, with Caponets. Shallots. Onion sauce. Caviare and toast. Olias. Roast capons, basted Fawns, deer. Lumber pies, with with their own Hares, leverets. Hot sauce. Dripping. Plovers. Partridges and young Flamingoes. Herons, and young partridges. Cygnets. Herons. Dwarf-herons. A reinforcement of Olives. Teals. Vinegar intermixed. Thrushes. Duckers. Venison pasties. Young sea-ravens. Bitterns. Lark pies. Geese, goslings. Shovellers. Dormice pies. Queests. Curlews. Cabretto pasties. Widgeons. Wood-hens. Roebuck pasties. Mavises. Coots, with leeks. Pigeon pies. Grouses. Fat kids. Kid pasties. Turtles. Shoulders of mutton, Capon pies. Doe-coneys. With capers. Bacon pies. Hedgehogs. Sirloins of beef. Soused hog's feet. Snites. Breasts of veal. Fried pasty-crust. Then large puffs. Pheasants and phea- Forced capons. Thistle-finches. Sant poots. Parmesan cheese. Whore's farts. Peacocks. Red and pale hip- Fritters. Storks. Pocras. Cakes, sixteen sorts. Woodcocks. Gold-peaches. Crisp wafers. Snipes. Artichokes. Quince tarts. Ortolans. Dry and wet sweet- Curds and cream. Turkey cocks, hen meats, seventy- Whipped cream. Turkeys, and turkey eight sorts. Preserved mirabo- poots. Boiled hens, and fat lans. Stock-doves, and capons marinated. Jellies. Wood-culvers. Pullets, with eggs. Welsh barrapyclids. Pigs, with wine sauce. Chickens. Macaroons. Blackbirds, ousels, and Rabbits, and sucking Tarts, twenty sorts. Rails. Rabbits. Lemon cream, rasp-Moorhens. Quails, and young berry cream, &c. Bustards, and bustard quails. Comfits, one hundred poots. Pigeons, squabs, and colours. Fig-peckers. Squeakers. Cream wafers. Young Guinea hens. Fieldfares. Cream cheese. 

Vinegar brought up the rear to wash the mouth, and for fear of the squinsy;also toasts to scour the grinders. 

Chapter 4. LX. 

What the Gastrolaters sacrificed to their god on interlarded fish-days. 

Pantagruel did not like this pack of rascally scoundrels with theirmanifold kitchen sacrifices, and would have been gone had not Epistemonprevailed with him to stay and see the end of the farce. He then asked theskipper what the idle lobcocks used to sacrifice to their gorbellied god oninterlarded fish-days. For his first course, said the skipper, they gavehim:

Caviare. Tops, bishop's-cods, Red herrings. Botargoes. Celery, chives, ram- Pilchards. Fresh butter. Pions, jew's-ears (a Anchovies. Pease soup. Sort of mushrooms Fry of tunny. Spinach. That sprout out of Cauliflowers. Fresh herrings, full old elders), spara- Beans. Roed. Gus, wood-bind, Salt salmon. Salads, a hundred and a world of Pickled grigs. Varieties, of cres- others. Oysters in the shell. Ses, sodden hop-

Then he must drink, or the devil would gripe him at the throat; this, therefore, they take care to prevent, and nothing is wanting. Which beingdone, they give him lampreys with hippocras sauce:

Gurnards. Thornbacks. Fried oysters. Salmon trouts. Sleeves. Cockles. Barbels, great and Sturgeons. Prawns. Small. Sheath-fish. Smelts. Roaches. Mackerels. Rock-fish. Cockerels. Maids. Gracious lords. Minnows. Plaice. Sword-fish. Skate-fish. Sharplings. Soles. Lamprels. Tunnies. Mussels. Jegs. Silver eels. Lobsters. Pickerels. Chevins. Great prawns. Golden carps. Crayfish. Dace. Burbates. Pallours. Bleaks. Salmons. Shrimps. Tenches. Salmon-peels. Congers. Ombres. Dolphins. Porpoises. Fresh cods. Barn trouts. Bases. Dried melwels. Miller's-thumbs. Shads. Darefish. Precks. Murenes, a sort of Fausens, and grigs. Bret-fish. Lampreys. Eel-pouts. Flounders. Graylings. Tortoises. Sea-nettles. Smys. Serpents, i. E. Wood-Mullets. Turbots. Eels. Gudgeons. Trout, not above a Dories. Dabs and sandings. Foot long. Moor-game. Haddocks. Salmons. Perches. Carps. Meagers. Loaches. Pikes. Sea-breams. Crab-fish. Bottitoes. Halibuts. Snails and whelks. Rochets. Dog's tongue, or kind Frogs. Sea-bears. Fool. 

If, when he had crammed all this down his guttural trapdoor, he did notimmediately make the fish swim again in his paunch, death would pack himoff in a trice. Special care is taken to antidote his godship withvine-tree syrup. Then is sacrificed to him haberdines, poor-jack, minglemangled, mismashed, &c. 

Eggs fried, beaten, sliced, roasted in Green-fish. Buttered, poached, the embers, tossed Sea-batts. Hardened, boiled, in the chimney, &c. Cod's sounds. Broiled, stewed, Stock-fish. Sea-pikes. 

Which to concoct and digest the more easily, vinegar is multiplied. Forthe latter part of their sacrifices they offer:

Rice milk, and hasty Stewed prunes, and Raisins. Pudding. Baked bullace. Dates. Buttered wheat, and Pistachios, or fistic Chestnut and wal- flummery. Nuts. Nuts. Water-gruel, and Figs. Filberts. Milk-porridge. Almond butter. Parsnips. Frumenty and bonny Skirret root. Artichokes. Clamber. White-pot. Perpetuity of soaking with the whole. 

It was none of their fault, I will assure you, if this same god of theirswas not publicly, preciously, and plentifully served in the sacrifices, better yet than Heliogabalus's idol; nay, more than Bel and the Dragon inBabylon, under King Belshazzar. Yet Gaster had the manners to own that hewas no god, but a poor, vile, wretched creature. And as King Antigonus, first of the name, when one Hermodotus (as poets will flatter, especiallyprinces) in some of his fustian dubbed him a god, and made the sun adopthim for his son, said to him: My lasanophore (or, in plain English, mygroom of the close-stool) can give thee the lie; so Master Gaster verycivilly used to send back his bigoted worshippers to his close-stool, tosee, smell, taste, philosophize, and examine what kind of divinity theycould pick out of his sir-reverence. 

Chapter 4. LXI. 

How Gaster invented means to get and preserve corn. 

Those gastrolatrous hobgoblins being withdrawn, Pantagruel carefully mindedthe famous master of arts, Gaster. You know that, by the institution ofnature, bread has been assigned him for provision and food; and that, as anaddition to this blessing, he should never want the means to get bread. 

Accordingly, from the beginning he invented the smith's art, and husbandryto manure the ground, that it might yield him corn; he invented arms andthe art of war to defend corn; physic and astronomy, with other parts ofmathematics which might be useful to keep corn a great number of years insafety from the injuries of the air, beasts, robbers, and purloiners; heinvented water, wind, and handmills, and a thousand other engines to grindcorn and to turn it into meal; leaven to make the dough ferment, and theuse of salt to give it a savour; for he knew that nothing bred morediseases than heavy, unleavened, unsavoury bread. 

He found a way to get fire to bake it; hour-glasses, dials, and clocks tomark the time of its baking; and as some countries wanted corn, hecontrived means to convey some out of one country into another. 

He had the wit to pimp for asses and mares, animals of different species, that they might copulate for the generation of a third, which we callmules, more strong and fit for hard service than the other two. Heinvented carts and waggons to draw him along with greater ease; and as seasand rivers hindered his progress, he devised boats, galleys, and ships (tothe astonishment of the elements) to waft him over to barbarous, unknown, and far distant nations, thence to bring, or thither to carry corn. 

Besides, seeing that when he had tilled the ground, some years the cornperished in it for want of rain in due season, in others rotted or wasdrowned by its excess, sometimes spoiled by hail, eat by worms in the ear, or beaten down by storms, and so his stock was destroyed on the ground; wewere told that ever since the days of yore he has found out a way toconjure the rain down from heaven only with cutting certain grass, commonenough in the field, yet known to very few, some of which was then shownus. I took it to be the same as the plant, one of whose boughs beingdipped by Jove's priest in the Agrian fountain on the Lycian mountain inArcadia, in time of drought raised vapours which gathered into clouds, andthen dissolved into rain that kindly moistened the whole country. 

Our master of arts was also said to have found a way to keep the rain up inthe air, and make it to fall into the sea; also to annihilate the hail, suppress the winds, and remove storms as the Methanensians of Troezene usedto do. And as in the fields thieves and plunderers sometimes stole andtook by force the corn and bread which others had toiled to get, heinvented the art of building towns, forts, and castles, to hoard and securethat staff of life. On the other hand, finding none in the fields, andhearing that it was hoarded up and secured in towns, forts, and castles, and watched with more care than ever were the golden pippins of theHesperides, he turned engineer, and found ways to beat, storm, and demolishforts and castles with machines and warlike thunderbolts, battering-rams, ballists, and catapults, whose shapes were shown to us, not over-wellunderstood by our engineers, architects, and other disciples of Vitruvius;as Master Philibert de l'Orme, King Megistus's principal architect, hasowned to us. 

And seeing that sometimes all these tools of destruction were baffled bythe cunning subtlety or the subtle cunning (which you please) offortifiers, he lately invented cannons, field-pieces, culverins, bombards, basiliskos, murdering instruments that dart iron, leaden, and brazen balls, some of them outweighing huge anvils. This by the means of a most dreadfulpowder, whose hellish compound and effect has even amazed nature, and madeher own herself outdone by art, the Oxydracian thunders, hails, and stormsby which the people of that name immediately destroyed their enemies in thefield being but mere potguns to these. For one of our great guns when usedis more dreadful, more terrible, more diabolical, and maims, tears, breaks, slays, mows down, and sweeps away more men, and causes a greaterconsternation and destruction than a hundred thunderbolts. 

Chapter 4. LXII. 

How Gaster invented an art to avoid being hurt or touched by cannon-balls. 

Gaster having secured himself with his corn within strongholds, hassometimes been attacked by enemies; his fortresses, by that thricethreefold cursed instrument, levelled and destroyed; his dearly belovedcorn and bread snatched out of his mouth and sacked by a titanic force;therefore he then sought means to preserve his walls, bastions, rampiers, and sconces from cannon-shot, and to hinder the bullets from hitting him, stopping them in their flight, or at least from doing him or the besiegedwalls any damage. He showed us a trial of this which has been since usedby Fronton, and is now common among the pastimes and harmless recreationsof the Thelemites. I will tell you how he went to work, and pray for thefuture be a little more ready to believe what Plutarch affirms to havetried. Suppose a herd of goats were all scampering as if the devil drovethem, do but put a bit of eringo into the mouth of the hindmost nanny, andthey will all stop stock still in the time you can tell three. 

Thus Gaster, having caused a brass falcon to be charged with a sufficientquantity of gunpowder well purged from its sulphur, and curiously made upwith fine camphor, he then had a suitable ball put into the piece, withtwenty-four little pellets like hail-shot, some round, some pearl fashion;then taking his aim and levelling it at a page of his, as if he would havehit him on the breast. About sixty strides off the piece, halfway betweenit and the page in a right line, he hanged on a gibbet by a rope a verylarge siderite or iron-like stone, otherwise called herculean, formerlyfound on Ida in Phrygia by one Magnes, as Nicander writes, and commonlycalled loadstone; then he gave fire to the prime on the piece's touch-hole, which in an instant consuming the powder, the ball and hail-shot were withincredible violence and swiftness hurried out of the gun at its muzzle, that the air might penetrate to its chamber, where otherwise would havebeen a vacuum, which nature abhors so much, that this universal machine, heaven, air, land, and sea, would sooner return to the primitive chaos thanadmit the least void anywhere. Now the ball and small shot, whichthreatened the page with no less than quick destruction, lost theirimpetuosity and remained suspended and hovering round the stone; nor didany of them, notwithstanding the fury with which they rushed, reach thepage. 

Master Gaster could do more than all this yet, if you will believe me; forhe invented a way how to cause bullets to fly backwards, and recoil onthose that sent them with as great a force, and in the very numericalparallel for which the guns were planted. And indeed, why should he havethought this difficult? seeing the herb ethiopis opens all lockswhatsoever, and an echinus or remora, a silly weakly fish, in spite of allthe winds that blow from the thirty-two points of the compass, will in themidst of a hurricane make you the biggest first-rate remain stock still, asif she were becalmed or the blustering tribe had blown their last. Nay, and with the flesh of that fish, preserved with salt, you may fish gold outof the deepest well that was ever sounded with a plummet; for it willcertainly draw up the precious metal, since Democritus affirmed it. Theophrastus believed and experienced that there was an herb at whosesingle touch an iron wedge, though never so far driven into a huge log ofthe hardest wood that is, would presently come out; and it is this sameherb your hickways, alias woodpeckers, use, when with some mighty axeanyone stops up the hole of their nests, which they industriously dig andmake in the trunk of some sturdy tree. Since stags and hinds, when deeplywounded with darts, arrows, and bolts, if they do but meet the herb calleddittany, which is common in Candia, and eat a little of it, presently theshafts come out and all is well again; even as kind Venus cured her belovedbyblow Aeneas when he was wounded on the right thigh with an arrow byJuturna, Turnus's sister. Since the very wind of laurels, fig-trees, orsea-calves makes the thunder sheer off insomuch that it never strikes them. Since at the sight of a ram, mad elephants recover their former senses. Since mad bulls coming near wild fig-trees, called caprifici, grow tame, and will not budge a foot, as if they had the cramp. Since the venomousrage of vipers is assuaged if you but touch them with a beechen bough. Since also Euphorion writes that in the isle of Samos, before Juno's templewas built there, he has seen some beasts called neades, whose voice madethe neighbouring places gape and sink into a chasm and abyss. In short, since elders grow of a more pleasing sound, and fitter to make flutes, insuch places where the crowing of cocks is not heard, as the ancient sageshave writ and Theophrastus relates; as if the crowing of a cock dulled, flattened, and perverted the wood of the elder, as it is said to astonishand stupify with fear that strong and resolute animal, a lion. I know thatsome have understood this of wild elder, that grows so far from towns orvillages that the crowing of cocks cannot reach near it; and doubtless thatsort ought to be preferred to the stenching common elder that grows aboutdecayed and ruined places; but others have understood this in a highersense, not literal, but allegorical, according to the method of thePythagoreans, as when it was said that Mercury's statue could not be madeof every sort of wood; to which sentence they gave this sense, that God isnot to be worshipped in a vulgar form, but in a chosen and religiousmanner. In the same manner, by this elder which grows far from placeswhere cocks are heard, the ancients meant that the wise and studious oughtnot to give their minds to trivial or vulgar music, but to that which iscelestial, divine, angelical, more abstracted, and brought from remoterparts, that is, from a region where the crowing of cocks is not heard; for, to denote a solitary and unfrequented place, we say cocks are never heardto crow there. 

Chapter 4. LXIII. 

How Pantagruel fell asleep near the island of Chaneph, and of the problemsproposed to be solved when he waked. 

The next day, merrily pursuing our voyage, we came in sight of the islandof Chaneph, where Pantagruel's ship could not arrive, the wind choppingabout, and then failing us so that we were becalmed, and could hardly getahead, tacking about from starboard to larboard, and larboard to starboard, though to our sails we added drabblers. 

With this accident we were all out of sorts, moping, drooping, metagrabolized, as dull as dun in the mire, in C sol fa ut flat, out oftune, off the hinges, and I-don't-know-howish, without caring to speak onesingle syllable to each other. 

Pantagruel was taking a nap, slumbering and nodding on the quarter-deck bythe cuddy, with an Heliodorus in his hand; for still it was his custom tosleep better by book than by heart. 

Epistemon was conjuring, with his astrolabe, to know what latitude we werein. 

Friar John was got into the cook-room, examining, by the ascendant of thespits and the horoscope of ragouts and fricassees, what time of day itmight then be. 

Panurge (sweet baby!) held a stalk of Pantagruelions, alias hemp, next histongue, and with it made pretty bubbles and bladders. 

Gymnast was making tooth-pickers with lentisk. 

Ponocrates, dozing, dozed, and dreaming, dreamed; tickled himself to makehimself laugh, and with one finger scratched his noddle where it did notitch. 

Carpalin, with a nutshell and a trencher of verne (that's a card inGascony), was making a pretty little merry windmill, cutting the cardlongways into four slips, and fastening them with a pin to the convex ofthe nut, and its concave to the tarred side of the gunnel of the ship. 

Eusthenes, bestriding one of the guns, was playing on it with his fingersas if it had been a trump-marine. 

Rhizotome, with the soft coat of a field tortoise, alias ycleped a mole, was making himself a velvet purse. 

Xenomanes was patching up an old weather-beaten lantern with a hawk'sjesses. 

Our pilot (good man!) was pulling maggots out of the seamen's noses. 

At last Friar John, returning from the forecastle, perceived thatPantagruel was awake. Then breaking this obstinate silence, he briskly andcheerfully asked him how a man should kill time, and raise good weather, during a calm at sea. 

Panurge, whose belly thought his throat cut, backed the motion presently, and asked for a pill to purge melancholy. 

Epistemon also came on, and asked how a man might be ready to bepisshimself with laughing when he has no heart to be merry. 

Gymnast, arising, demanded a remedy for a dimness of eyes. 

Ponocrates, after he had a while rubbed his noddle and shaken his ears, asked how one might avoid dog-sleep. Hold! cried Pantagruel, thePeripatetics have wisely made a rule that all problems, questions, anddoubts which are offered to be solved ought to be certain, clear, andintelligible. What do you mean by dog-sleep? I mean, answered Ponocrates, to sleep fasting in the sun at noonday, as the dogs do. 

Rhizotome, who lay stooping on the pump, raised his drowsy head, and lazilyyawning, by natural sympathy set almost everyone in the ship a-yawning too;then he asked for a remedy against oscitations and gapings. 

Xenomanes, half puzzled, and tired out with new-vamping his antiquatedlantern, asked how the hold of the stomach might be so well ballasted andfreighted from the keel to the main hatch, with stores well stowed, thatour human vessels might not heel or be walt, but well trimmed and stiff. 

Carpalin, twirling his diminutive windmill, asked how many motions are tobe felt in nature before a gentleman may be said to be hungry. 

Eusthenes, hearing them talk, came from between decks, and from the capstancalled out to know why a man that is fasting, bit by a serpent alsofasting, is in greater danger of death than when man and serpent have eattheir breakfasts;--why a man's fasting-spittle is poisonous to serpents andvenomous creatures. 

One single solution may serve for all your problems, gentlemen, answeredPantagruel; and one single medicine for all such symptoms and accidents. My answer shall be short, not to tire you with a long needless train ofpedantic cant. The belly has no ears, nor is it to be filled with fairwords; you shall be answered to content by signs and gestures. As formerlyat Rome, Tarquin the Proud, its last king, sent an answer by signs to hisson Sextus, who was among the Gabii at Gabii. (Saying this, he pulled thestring of a little bell, and Friar John hurried away to the cook-room. )The son having sent his father a messenger to know how he might bring theGabii under a close subjection, the king, mistrusting the messenger, madehim no answer, and only took him into his privy garden, and in his presencewith his sword lopped off the heads of the tall poppies that were there. The express returned without any other despatch, yet having related to theprince what he had seen his father do, he easily understood that by thosesigns he advised him to cut off the heads of the chief men in the town, thebetter to keep under the rest of the people. 

Chapter 4. LXIV. 

How Pantagruel gave no answer to the problems. 

Pantagruel then asked what sort of people dwelt in that damned island. They are, answered Xenomanes, all hypocrites, holy mountebanks, tumblers ofbeads, mumblers of ave-marias, spiritual comedians, sham saints, hermits, all of them poor rogues who, like the hermit of Lormont between Blaye andBordeaux, live wholly on alms given them by passengers. Catch me there ifyou can, cried Panurge; may the devil's head-cook conjure my bumgut into apair of bellows if ever you find me among them! Hermits, sham saints, living forms of mortification, holy mountebanks, avaunt! in the name ofyour father Satan, get out of my sight! When the devil's a hog, you shalleat bacon. I shall not forget yet awhile our fat Concilipetes of Chesil. O that Beelzebub and Astaroth had counselled them to hang themselves out ofthe way, and they had done't! we had not then suffered so much by devilishstorms as we did for having seen 'em. Hark ye me, dear rogue, Xenomanes, my friend, I prithee are these hermits, hypocrites, and eavesdroppers maidsor married? Is there anything of the feminine gender among them? Could abody hypocritically take there a small hypocritical touch? Will they liebackwards, and let out their fore-rooms? There's a fine question to beasked, cried Pantagruel. Yes, yes, answered Xenomanes; you may find theremany goodly hypocritesses, jolly spiritual actresses, kind hermitesses, women that have a plaguy deal of religion; then there's the copies of 'em, little hypocritillons, sham sanctitos, and hermitillons. Foh! away withthem, cried Friar John; a young saint, an old devil! (Mark this, an oldsaying, and as true a one as, a young whore, an old saint. ) Were there notsuch, continued Xenomanes, the isle of Chaneph, for want of amultiplication of progeny, had long ere this been desert and desolate. 

Pantagruel sent them by Gymnast in the pinnace seventy-eight thousand finepretty little gold half-crowns, of those that are marked with a lantern. After this he asked, What's o'clock? Past nine, answered Epistemon. It isthen the best time to go to dinner, said Pantagruel; for the sacred line socelebrated by Aristophanes in his play called Concionatrices is at hand, never failing when the shadow is decempedal. 

Formerly, among the Persians, dinner-time was at a set hour only for kings;as for all others, their appetite and their belly was their clock; whenthat chimed, they thought it time to go to dinner. So we find in Plautus acertain parasite making a heavy do, and sadly railing at the inventors ofhour-glasses and dials as being unnecessary things, there being no clockmore regular than the belly. 

Diogenes being asked at what times a man ought to eat, answered, The richwhen he is hungry, the poor when he has anything to eat. Physicians moreproperly say that the canonical hours are, To rise at five, to dine at nine, To sup at five, to sleep at nine. 

The famous king Petosiris's magic was different, --Here the officers for thegut came in, and got ready the tables and cupboards; laid the cloth, whosesight and pleasant smell were very comfortable; and brought plates, napkins, salts, tankards, flagons, tall-boys, ewers, tumblers, cups, goblets, basins, and cisterns. 

Friar John, at the head of the stewards, sewers, yeomen of the pantry, andof the mouth, tasters, carvers, cupbearers, and cupboard-keepers, broughtfour stately pasties, so huge that they put me in mind of the four bastionsat Turin. Ods-fish, how manfully did they storm them! What havoc did theymake with the long train of dishes that came after them! How bravely didthey stand to their pan-puddings, and paid off their dust! How merrily didthey soak their noses!

The fruit was not yet brought in, when a fresh gale at west and by northbegan to fill the main-course, mizen-sail, fore-sail, tops, andtop-gallants; for which blessing they all sung divers hymns of thanks andpraise. 

When the fruit was on the table, Pantagruel asked, Now tell me, gentlemen, are your doubts fully resolved or no? I gape and yawn no more, answeredRhizotome. I sleep no longer like a dog, said Ponocrates. I have clearedmy eyesight, said Gymnast. I have broke my fast, said Eusthenes; so thatfor this whole day I shall be secure from the danger of my spittle. 

Asps. Black wag leg-flies. Domeses. Amphisbenes. Spanish flies. Dryinades. Anerudutes. Catoblepes. Dragons. Abedissimons. Horned snakes. Elopes. Alhartrafz. Caterpillars. Enhydrides. Ammobates. Crocodiles. Falvises. Apimaos. Toads. Galeotes. Alhatrabans. Nightmares. Harmenes. Aractes. Mad dogs. Handons. Asterions. Colotes. Icles. Alcharates. Cychriodes. Jarraries. Arges. Cafezates. Ilicines. Spiders. Cauhares. Pharaoh's mice. Starry lizards. Snakes. Kesudures. Attelabes. Cuhersks, two- Sea-hares. Ascalabotes. Tongued adders. Chalcidic newts. Haemorrhoids. Amphibious ser- Footed serpents. Basilisks. Pents. Manticores. Fitches. Cenchres. Molures. Sucking water- Cockatrices. Mouse-serpents. Snakes. Dipsades. Shrew-mice. Miliares. Salamanders. Stinkfish. Megalaunes. Slowworms. Stuphes. Spitting-asps. Stellions. Sabrins. Porphyri. Scorpenes. Blood-sucking flies. Pareades. Scorpions. Hornfretters. Phalanges. Hornworms. Scolopendres. Penphredons. Scalavotins. Tarantulas. Pinetree-worms. Solofuidars. Blind worms. Ruteles. Deaf-asps. Tetragnathias. Worms. Horseleeches. Teristales. Rhagions. Salt-haters. Vipers, &c. Rhaganes. Rot-serpents. 

Chapter 4. LXV. 

How Pantagruel passed the time with his servants. 

In what hierarchy of such venomous creatures do you place Panurge's futurespouse? asked Friar John. Art thou speaking ill of women, cried Panurge, thou mangy scoundrel, thou sorry, noddy-peaked shaveling monk? By thecenomanic paunch and gixy, said Epistemon, Euripides has written, and makesAndromache say it, that by industry, and the help of the gods, men hadfound remedies against all poisonous creatures; but none was yet foundagainst a bad wife. 

This flaunting Euripides, cried Panurge, was gabbling against women everyfoot, and therefore was devoured by dogs, as a judgment from above; asAristophanes observes. Let's go on. Let him speak that is next. I canleak now like any stone-horse, said then Epistemon. I am, said Xenomanes, full as an egg and round as a hoop; my ship's hold can hold no more, andwill now make shift to bear a steady sail. Said Carpalin, A truce withthirst, a truce with hunger; they are strong, but wine and meat arestronger. I'm no more in the dumps cried Panurge; my heart's a poundlighter. I'm in the right cue now, as brisk as a body-louse, and as merryas a beggar. For my part, I know what I do when I drink; and it is a truething (though 'tis in your Euripides) that is said by that jolly toperSilenus of blessed memory, that--

 The man's emphatically mad, Who drinks the best, yet can be sad. 

We must not fail to return our humble and hearty thanks to the Being who, with this good bread, this cool delicious wine, these good meats and raredainties, removes from our bodies and minds these pains and perturbations, and at the same time fills us with pleasure and with food. 

But methinks, sir, you did not give an answer to Friar John's question;which, as I take it, was how to raise good weather. Since you ask no morethan this easy question, answered Pantagruel, I'll strive to give yousatisfaction; and some other time we'll talk of the rest of the problems, if you will. 

Well then, Friar John asked how good weather might be raised. Have we notraised it? Look up and see our full topsails. Hark how the wind whistlesthrough the shrouds, what a stiff gale it blows. Observe the rattling ofthe tacklings, and see the sheets that fasten the mainsail behind; theforce of the wind puts them upon the stretch. While we passed our timemerrily, the dull weather also passed away; and while we raised the glassesto our mouths, we also raised the wind by a secret sympathy in nature. 

Thus Atlas and Hercules clubbed to raise and underprop the falling sky, ifyou'll believe the wise mythologists, but they raised it some half an inchtoo high, Atlas to entertain his guest Hercules more pleasantly, andHercules to make himself amends for the thirst which some time before hadtormented him in the deserts of Africa. Your good father, said Friar John, interrupting him, takes care to free many people from such aninconveniency; for I have been told by many venerable doctors that hischief-butler, Turelupin, saves above eighteen hundred pipes of wine yearlyto make servants, and all comers and goers, drink before they are a-dry. As the camels and dromedaries of a caravan, continued Pantagruel, use todrink for the thirst that's past, for the present, and for that to come, sodid Hercules; and being thus excessively raised, this gave new motion tothe sky, which is that of titubation and trepidation, about which ourcrackbrained astrologers make such a pother. This, said Panurge, makes thesaying good:

 While jolly companions carouse it together, A fig for the storm, it gives way to good weather. 

Nay, continued Pantagruel, some will tell you that we have not onlyshortened the time of the calm, but also much disburthened the ship; notlike Aesop's basket, by easing it of the provision, but by breaking ourfasts; and that a man is more terrestrial and heavy when fasting than whenhe has eaten and drank, even as they pretend that he weighs more dead thanliving. However it is, you will grant they are in the right who take theirmorning's draught and breakfast before a long journey; then say that thehorses will perform the better, and that a spur in the head is worth two inthe flank; or, in the same horse dialect--

 That a cup in the pate Is a mile in the gate. 

Don't you know that formerly the Amycleans worshipped the noble Bacchusabove all other gods, and gave him the name of Psila, which in the Doricdialect signifies wings; for, as the birds raise themselves by a toweringflight with their wings above the clouds, so, with the help of soaringBacchus, the powerful juice of the grape, our spirits are exalted to apitch above themselves, our bodies are more sprightly, and their earthlyparts become soft and pliant. 

Chapter 4. LXVI. 

How, by Pantagruel's order, the Muses were saluted near the isle ofGanabim. 

This fair wind and as fine talk brought us in sight of a high land, whichPantagruel discovering afar off, showed it Xenomanes, and asked him, Do yousee yonder to the leeward a high rock with two tops, much like MountParnassus in Phocis? I do plainly, answered Xenomanes; 'tis the isle ofGanabim. Have you a mind to go ashore there? No, returned Pantagruel. You do well, indeed, said Xenomanes; for there is nothing worth seeing inthe place. The people are all thieves; yet there is the finest fountain inthe world, and a very large forest towards the right top of the mountain. Your fleet may take in wood and water there. 

He that spoke last, spoke well, quoth Panurge; let us not by any means beso mad as to go among a parcel of thieves and sharpers. You may take myword for't, this place is just such another as, to my knowledge, formerlywere the islands of Sark and Herm, between the smaller and the greaterBritain; such as was the Poneropolis of Philip in Thrace; islands ofthieves, banditti, picaroons, robbers, ruffians, and murderers, worse thanraw-head and bloody-bones, and full as honest as the senior fellows of thecollege of iniquity, the very outcasts of the county gaol's common-side. As you love yourself, do not go among 'em. If you go you'll come off butbluely, if you come off at all. If you will not believe me, at leastbelieve what the good and wise Xenomanes tells you; for may I never stir ifthey are not worse than the very cannibals; they would certainly eat usalive. Do not go among 'em, I pray you; it were safer to take a journey tohell. Hark! by Cod's body, I hear 'em ringing the alarm-bell mostdreadfully, as the Gascons about Bordeaux used formerly to do against thecommissaries and officers for the tax on salt, or my ears tingle. Let'ssheer off. 

Believe me, sir, said Friar John, let's rather land; we will rid the worldof that vermin, and inn there for nothing. Old Nick go with thee for me, quoth Panurge. This rash hairbrained devil of a friar fears nothing, butventures and runs on like a mad devil as he is, and cares not a rush whatbecomes of others; as if everyone was a monk, like his friarship. A pox ongrinning honour, say I. Go to, returned the friar, thou mangy noddy-peak!thou forlorn druggle-headed sneaksby! and may a million of black devilsanatomize thy cockle brain. The hen-hearted rascal is so cowardly that heberays himself for fear every day. If thou art so afraid, dunghill, do notgo; stay here and be hanged; or go and hide thy loggerhead under MadamProserpine's petticoat. 

Panurge hearing this, his breech began to make buttons; so he slunk in inan instant, and went to hide his head down in the bread-room among themusty biscuits and the orts and scraps of broken bread. 

Pantagruel in the meantime said to the rest: I feel a pressing retractionin my soul, which like a voice admonishes me not to land there. Whenever Ihave felt such a motion within me I have found myself happy in avoidingwhat it directed me to shun, or in undertaking what it prompted me to do;and I never had occasion to repent following its dictates. 

As much, said Epistemon, is related of the daemon of Socrates, socelebrated among the Academics. Well then, sir, said Friar John, while theship's crew water have you a mind to have good sport? Panurge is got downsomewhere in the hold, where he is crept into some corner, and lurks like amouse in a cranny. Let 'em give the word for the gunner to fire yon gunover the round-house on the poop; this will serve to salute the Muses ofthis Anti-parnassus; besides, the powder does but decay in it. You are inthe right, said Pantagruel; here, give the word for the gunner. 

The gunner immediately came, and was ordered by Pantagruel to fire thatgun, and then charge it with fresh powder, which was soon done. Thegunners of the other ships, frigates, galleons, and galleys of the fleet, hearing us fire, gave every one a gun to the island; which made such ahorrid noise that you would have sworn heaven had been tumbling about ourears. 

Chapter 4. LXVII. 

How Panurge berayed himself for fear; and of the huge cat Rodilardus, whichhe took for a puny devil. 

Panurge, like a wild, addle-pated, giddy-goat, sallies out of thebread-room in his shirt, with nothing else about him but one of hisstockings, half on, half off, about his heel, like a rough-footed pigeon;his hair and beard all bepowdered with crumbs of bread in which he had beenover head and ears, and a huge and mighty puss partly wrapped up in hisother stocking. In this equipage, his chaps moving like a monkey's who'sa-louse-hunting, his eyes staring like a dead pig's, his teeth chattering, and his bum quivering, the poor dog fled to Friar John, who was then sittingby the chain-wales of the starboard side of the ship, and prayed himheartily to take pity on him and keep him in the safeguard of his trustybilbo; swearing, by his share of Papimany, that he had seen all hell brokeloose. 

Woe is me, my Jacky, cried he, my dear Johnny, my old crony, my brother, myghostly father! all the devils keep holiday, all the devils keep theirfeast to-day, man. Pork and peas choke me if ever thou sawest suchpreparations in thy life for an infernal feast. Dost thou see the smoke ofhell's kitchens? (This he said, showing him the smoke of the gunpowderabove the ships. ) Thou never sawest so many damned souls since thou wastborn; and so fair, so bewitching they seem, that one would swear they areStygian ambrosia. I thought at first, God forgive me! that they had beenEnglish souls; and I don't know but that this morning the isle of Horses, near Scotland, was sacked, with all the English who had surprised it, bythe lords of Termes and Essay. 

Friar John, at the approach of Panurge, was entertained with a kind ofsmell that was not like that of gunpowder, nor altogether so sweet as musk;which made him turn Panurge about, and then he saw that his shirt wasdismally bepawed and berayed with fresh sir-reverence. The retentivefaculty of the nerve which restrains the muscle called sphincter ('tis thearse-hole, an it please you) was relaxated by the violence of the fearwhich he had been in during his fantastic visions. Add to this thethundering noise of the shooting, which seems more dreadful between decksthan above. Nor ought you to wonder at such a mishap; for one of thesymptoms and accidents of fear is, that it often opens the wicket of thecupboard wherein second-hand meat is kept for a time. Let's illustratethis noble theme with some examples. 

Messer Pantolfe de la Cassina of Siena, riding post from Rome, came toChambery, and alighting at honest Vinet's took one of the pitchforks in thestable; then turning to the innkeeper, said to him, Da Roma in qua io nonson andato del corpo. Di gratia piglia in mano questa forcha, et fa mipaura. (I have not had a stool since I left Rome. I pray thee take thispitchfork and fright me. ) Vinet took it, and made several offers as if hewould in good earnest have hit the signor, but all in vain; so the Sienesesaid to him, Si tu non fai altramente, tu non fai nulla; pero sforzati diadoperarli piu guagliardamente. (If thou dost not go another way to work, thou hadst as good do nothing; therefore try to bestir thyself morebriskly. ) With this, Vinet lent him such a swinging stoater with thepitchfork souse between the neck and the collar of his jerkin, that downfell signor on the ground arsyversy, with his spindle shanks widestraggling over his poll. Then mine host sputtering, with a full-mouthedlaugh, said to his guest, By Beelzebub's bumgut, much good may it do you, Signore Italiano. Take notice this is datum Camberiaci, given at Chambery. 'Twas well the Sienese had untrussed his points and let down his drawers;for this physic worked with him as soon as he took it, and as copious wasthe evacuation as that of nine buffaloes and fourteen missificatingarch-lubbers. Which operation being over, the mannerly Sienese courteouslygave mine host a whole bushel of thanks, saying to him, Io ti ringratio, belmessere; cosi facendo tu m' ai esparmiata la speza d'un servitiale. (Ithank thee, good landlord; by this thou hast e'en saved me the expense of aclyster. )

I'll give you another example of Edward V. , King of England. MasterFrancis Villon, being banished France, fled to him, and got so far into hisfavour as to be privy to all his household affairs. One day the king, being on his close-stool, showed Villon the arms of France, and said tohim, Dost thou see what respect I have for thy French kings? I have noneof their arms anywhere but in this backside, near my close-stool. Ods-life, said the buffoon, how wise, prudent, and careful of your healthyour highness is! How carefully your learned doctor, Thomas Linacre, looksafter you! He saw that now you grow old you are inclined to be somewhatcostive, and every day were fain to have an apothecary, I mean a suppositoryor clyster, thrust into your royal nockandroe; so he has, much to thepurpose, induced you to place here the arms of France; for the very sight ofthem puts you into such a dreadful fright that you immediately let fly asmuch as would come from eighteen squattering bonasi of Paeonia. And if theywere painted in other parts of your house, by jingo, you would presentlyconskite yourself wherever you saw them. Nay, had you but here a picture ofthe great oriflamme of France, ods-bodikins, your tripes and bowels would bein no small danger of dropping out at the orifice of your posteriors. Buthenh, henh, atque iterum henh. 

 A silly cockney am I not, As ever did from Paris come? And with a rope and sliding knot My neck shall know what weighs my bum. 

A cockney of short reach, I say, shallow of judgment and judging shallowly, to wonder that you should cause your points to be untrussed in your chamberbefore you come into this closet. By'r lady, at first I thought yourclose-stool had stood behind the hangings of your bed; otherwise it seemedvery odd to me you should untruss so far from the place of evacuation. Butnow I find I was a gull, a wittol, a woodcock, a mere ninny, a dolt-head, anoddy, a changeling, a calf-lolly, a doddipoll. You do wisely, by themass, you do wisely; for had you not been ready to clap your hind face onthe mustard-pot as soon as you came within sight of these arms--mark ye me, cop's body--the bottom of your breeches had supplied the office of aclose-stool. 

Friar John, stopping the handle of his face with his left hand, did, withthe forefinger of the right, point out Panurge's shirt to Pantagruel, who, seeing him in this pickle, scared, appalled, shivering, raving, staring, berayed, and torn with the claws of the famous cat Rodilardus, could notchoose but laugh, and said to him, Prithee what wouldst thou do with thiscat? With this cat? quoth Panurge; the devil scratch me if I did not thinkit had been a young soft-chinned devil, which, with this same stockinginstead of mitten, I had snatched up in the great hutch of hell asthievishly as any sizar of Montague college could have done. The deviltake Tybert! I feel it has all bepinked my poor hide, and drawn on it tothe life I don't know how many lobsters' whiskers. With this he threw hisboar-cat down. 

Go, go, said Pantagruel, be bathed and cleaned, calm your fears, put on aclean shift, and then your clothes. What! do you think I am afraid? criedPanurge. Not I, I protest. By the testicles of Hercules, I am morehearty, bold, and stout, though I say it that should not, than if I hadswallowed as many flies as are put into plumcakes and other paste at Parisfrom Midsummer to Christmas. But what's this? Hah! oh, ho! how the devilcame I by this? Do you call this what the cat left in the malt, filth, dirt, dung, dejection, faecal matter, excrement, stercoration, sir-reverence, ordure, second-hand meats, fumets, stronts, scybal, orspyrathe? 'Tis Hibernian saffron, I protest. Hah, hah, hah! 'tis Irishsaffron, by Shaint Pautrick, and so much for this time. Selah. Let'sdrink.