_Fibble, D. D. _

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 _Being Divers Episodes in the Life of a Certain Young Curate. Subdivided, for Convenience, into Three Parts_

BY IRVIN S. COBB

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FICTION

 FIBBLE, D. D. LOCAL COLOR OLD JUDGE PRIEST BACK HOME THE ESCAPE OF MR. TRIMM

WIT AND HUMOR

 "SPEAKING OF OPERATIONS----?" EUROPE REVISED ROUGHING IT DE LUXE COBB'S BILL OF FARE COBB'S ANATOMY

MISCELLANY

 PATHS OF GLORY

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 GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY NEW YORK

[Illustration: MOMENTARILY THE ARTICLES THAT FILLED MY ARMS AND HUNG ONMY SHOULDERS AND BACK GREW MORE CUMBERSOME AND BURDENSOME]

_Fibble, D. D. _

_By_

_Irvin S. Cobb_

_Author of "Back Home, " "Paths of Glory, " etc. _

_Illustrated by Tony Sarg_

[Illustration: Emblem]

 _New York_ _George H. Doran Company_

 COPYRIGHT, 1916, BY GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY

 PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA COPYRIGHT, 1915 AND 1916, BY THE CURTIS PUBLISHING COMPANY

TO BOZEMAN BULGER, ESQ. 

_CONTENTS_

 PAGE PART ONE: THE YOUNG NUTS OF AMERICA _Being a Card to the Public from the Pen of the Rev. Roscoe Titmarsh Fibble, D. D. _ 13

 PART TWO: ELSEWHERE IN FRANCE _Being an Open Letter Addressed by Dr. Fibble to One Sitting in a High Place_ 109

 PART THREE: LOVER'S LEAP _Being a Series of Extracts Culled from the Diary of Dr. Fibble_ 203

_ILLUSTRATIONS_

 Momentarily the articles that filled my arms and hung on my shoulders and back grew more cumbersome and burdensome Frontispiece

 PAGE May I ask whether you are going to a fancy dress party somewhere? 42

 Until he loomed almost above my kneeling form 94

 "I, " she said, "am Major Jones" 132

 From its depths I extracted the parting gifts bestowed upon me by my Great-Aunt Paulina 176

 "Say coo-coo clearly and distinctly and keep on saying it until I call out 'Enough'" 234

 To be exact, I kissed at her 268

_PART ONE_

_Being a Card to the Public from the Pen of the Rev. Roscoe TitmarshFibble, D. D. _

_Fibble, D. D. _

_The Young Nuts of America_

IT is with a feeling of the utmost reluctance, amounting--if I may useso strong a word--to distress, that I take my pen in hand to indite theexceedingly painful account which follows; yet I feel I owe it not onlyto myself and the parishioners of St. Barnabas', but to the community atlarge, to explain in amplified detail why I have withdrawn suddenly, automatically as it were, from the organisation of youthful forestrangers of which I was, during its brief existence, the actuatingspirit, and simultaneously have resigned my charge to seek a field ofcongenial endeavour elsewhere. 

My first inclination was to remain silent; to treat with dignifiedsilence the grossly exaggerated statements that lately obtainedcirculation, and, I fear me, credence, in some quarters, regarding thecircumstances which have inspired me in taking the above steps. Inasmuch, however, as there has crept into the public prints hereabout aso-called item or article purporting to describe divers of my recentlamentable experiences--an item which I am constrained to believe theauthor thereof regarded as being of a humorous character, but in whichno right-minded person could possibly see aught to provoke mirth--I haveabandoned my original resolution and shall now lay bare the true facts. 

In part my motive for so doing is based on personal grounds, for I haveindeed endured grievously both laceration of the tenderest sensibilitiesand anguish of the corporeal body; but I feel also that I have a publicduty to perform. If this unhappy recital but serves to put others ontheir guard against a too-ready acceptance of certain speciousliterature dealing with the fancied delights--I say fancied advisedlyand for greater emphasis repeat the whole phrase--against the fancieddelights of life in the greenwood, then in such case my own poignantpangs shall not have entirely been in vain. 

With these introductory remarks, I shall now proceed to a calm, temperate and dispassionate narration of the various occurrences leadingup to a climax that left me for a measurable space prone on the bed ofaffliction, and from which I have but newly risen, though still muchshaken. 

When I came to St. Barnabas' as assistant to the Reverend Doctor Tubleymy personal inclination, I own, was for parish work among our femalemembers. I felt that, both by natural leanings and by training, I wasespecially equipped to be of aid and comfort here. Instinctively, as itwere, I have ever been drawn toward the other and gentler sex; but mysuperior felt that my best opportunities for service lay with the malesof a tender and susceptible age. 

He recommended that, for the time being at least, I devote my energiesto the youthful masculine individuals within the parish fold; that Imake myself as one with them if not one of them; that I take the lead inuniting them into helpful bands and associations. He felt that theyouth of St. Barnabas' had been left rather too much to their owndevices--which devices, though doubtlessly innocent enough in character, were hardly calculated to guide them into the higher pathways. I amendeavouring to repeat here the Reverend Doctor Tubley's words asexactly as may be. 

Continuing, he said he felt that our boys had been in a measureneglected by him. He had heard no complaint on this score from the ladsthemselves. Indeed, I gathered from the tenor of his remarks they hadrather resented his efforts to get on a footing of comradeship withthem. This, he thought, might be due to the natural diffidence of theadolescent youth, or perhaps to the disparity in age, he being then inhis seventy-third year and they ranging in ages from nine to fifteen. 

Nevertheless, his conscience had at times reproached him. With thesewords, or words to this effect, he committed the boys to my especialcare, adding the suggestion that I begin my services by putting myselfactively in touch with them in their various sports, pursuits andpastimes. 

In this connection the Boy Scout movement at once occurred to me, butpromptly I put it from me. From a cursory investigation I gleaned thatno distinctions of social caste were drawn among the Boy Scouts; thatalmost any boy of a given age, regardless of the social status of hisparents, might aspire to membership, or even to office, providing he butcomplied with certain tests--in short, that the Boy Scouts as at presentconstituted were, as the saying goes, mixed. 

Very naturally I desired to restrict my activities to boys coming fromhomes of the utmost culture and refinement, where principles ofundoubted gentility were implanted from the cradle up. Yet it would seemthat the germ of the thought touching on the Boy Scouts lingered withinthat marvellous human organism, the brain, resulting finally inconsequences of an actually direful character. Of that, however, moreanon in its proper place. 

Pondering over the problem after evensong in the privacy of my study, Irepaired on the day following to Doctor Tubley with a plan for a courseof Nature Study for boys, to be prosecuted indoors. I made a point ofthe advantages to be derived by carrying on our investigations besidethe student lamp during the long evenings of early spring, which werethen on us. What, I said, could be more inspiring, more uplifting, morestimulating in its effects on the impressionable mind of a boy than atthe knee of some older person to wile away the happy hours learning ofthe budding of the leaflet, the blossoming of the flowerlet, theupspringing of the shootlet, and, through the medium of informativevolumes on the subject by qualified authorities, to make friends atfirst hand, so to speak, with the wild things--notably the birdling, therabbit, the squirrel? Yes, even to make friends with the insects, particularly such insects as the bee and the ant--creatures the habitsof industry of which have been frequently remarked--besides otherinsects too numerous to mention. 

And, finally, what could better serve to round out an evening soreplete with fruitful thought and gentle mental excitement than areading by some member of the happy group of an appropriate selectionculled from the works of one of our standard authors--Wordsworth, Longfellow or Tennyson, for example? What, indeed?

To my surprise this plan, even though set forth with all the unstudiedeloquence at my command, did not appear deeply to appeal to DoctorTubley. I surmised that he had attempted some such undertaking at aprevious period and had met with but indifferent success. He said thatfor some mysterious reason the nature of the growing boy seemed todemand action. My own observation subsequently was such as to confirmthis judgment. 

In passing I may say that this attribute remains to me one of the mostunfathomable aspects of the complex juvenile mentality as commonlyencountered at present. Though still a comparatively youngman--thirty-eight on Michaelmas Day last past--I cannot conceive that asa lad I was ever animated with the restless, and I may even saymischievous, spirit that appears to dominate the waking hours of theyouth of an oncoming generation. 

For proof of this assertion I would point to the fact that a great-auntof mine, living at an advanced age in the city of Hartford, Connecticut, continues even now to treasure a handsomely illustrated and fitlyinscribed copy of Bunyan's "Pilgrim's Progress, " complete in one volume, which was publicly bestowed on me in my twelfth year for havingcommitted to memory and correctly repeated two thousand separatequotations from the Old Testament--an achievement that brought on anattack resembling brain fever. I do not record this achievement in aspirit of boastfulness or vanity of the flesh, but merely to show thatfrom a very early stage of my mundane existence I was by nature studiousand ever mindful of the admonitions of my elders. Indeed, I do notrecall a time when I did not prefer the companionship of cherished andhelpful gift books to the boisterous and ofttimes rough sports of myyouthful acquaintances. 

But I digress; let us revert: Abandoning my scheme for a series ofindoor Nature studies, since it did not meet with the approval of mysuperior, I set myself resolutely to the task of winning the undividedaffection and admiration of the lads about me. On meeting one in thepublic highway or elsewhere I made a point of addressing him as "My finefellow!" or "My bright lad!" of patting him on the head and gentlyruffling his hair or twitching the lobe of his ear in a friendly way, and asking him, first, what his age might be, and, second, how he wasdoing at his books. 

These questions being satisfactorily answered in the order named, Iwould then say to him: "Ah, what a large sturdy lad we are becoming, tobe sure!" or "Heigho, then, soon we shall be ready to don long trousers, shall we not?" And I would also be particular to enquire regarding thehealth and well-being of his parents, and so on, and to ascertain howmany little brothers and little sisters he had, if any; usually couplingthese passing pleasantries with some quotation aimed to inspire him tothoughtful reflections and worthy deeds. Yet to me it seemed that thelads actually sought to avoid these casual intercourses. 

Attributing this to the excusable timidity of the young, I persisted, being determined to put myself on a footing of complete understandingwith them. I sought them out in their hours of relaxation, there being alarge vacant lot or enclosure adjacent to the parish house where theywere wont to meet and mingle freely in their customary physicalexercises and recreations. Here again, from time to time, I profferedcertain timely hints and admonitions for their better guidance. 

For example, I sought to discourage the habit so prevalent among them ofindulging in shrill, indiscriminate outcry when moved by the excitementof the moment. Repeatedly I advised them to practise in concert threehearty cheers, these to be immediately followed, should the exuberanceof the occasion warrant, by a ringing tiger. This I recall was theinvariable habit of the playfellows described in such works as "Sanfordand Merton" and "Thomas Brown's Schooldays. " I also urged on them thesubstitution of the fine old English game of cricket for baseball, towhich I found them generally addicted. It is true I had never foundeither opportunity or inclination for perfecting myself in one or bothof these games; but the pictured representations of cricket games, asdepicted in books or prints, showing the participants dotted about overa smooth greensward, all attired in neat white flannels and all ingraceful attitudes, convinced me it must be a much more orderly andconsequently a more alluring pastime than the other. 

To me, if I may venture to say so, baseball has ever seemed most untidy. Personally I can imagine few things more unseemly than the act ofsliding through the dust in order the more expeditiously to attain agiven base or station; and even more objectionable, because soexceedingly unhygienic, is the custom, common among these youthfuldevotees, of expectorating on the outer surface of the ball beforedelivering the same in the direction of the batsman. 

I succeeded in inducing my young friends to allow me to drill them inthe choraled cheer. As I remarked repeatedly to them: "Why noise at all, young gentlemen? But if we must have noise let us have it in an orderlyfashion and in accordance with the best traditions of the Anglo-Saxonrace, from which all of us have or have not sprung as the case maybe--to wit, as follows: Huzza! Huzza! Huzza! Tiger!" But, with theexception of one or two lads of a docile demeanour, I made no noticeableheadway in my project for substituting cricket for baseball. 

Nor did my recommendation of the adoption of a uniform attire for allthe lads attending the private school maintained by St. Barnabas' meetwith any more favourable reception. Personally I was greatly attractedto the costume provided at Eton. It impressed me that the short, close-buttoned jacket, exposing the sturdy legs, and so forth, the neatlinen collar and cuffs, and the becoming black tie, the whole beingsurmounted by the high hat, with its air of dignity, all combined toform ideal apparel for the growing lad. Some of the mothers to whom Ibroached the thought viewed it with considerable enthusiasm, but amongthe boys themselves an unaccountable opposition immediately developed. 

The male parents likewise were practically united in their objections. One husband and father, whose name I shall purposely withhold, actuallysent me word he would swear out an injunction against me should Iundertake to dress his innocent offspring up as a monkey-on-a-stick--theobjectionable phraseology being his, not mine. In all charity I wasconstrained to believe that this gentleman's nature was of a coarsefibre. Had he, I asked myself dispassionately, had he no veneration forthe hallowed memories and customs of a great English institution oflearning? I was impelled to answer in the negative. 

Thus time wore on until the beginning of the mid-year vacation drew nearapace. It was at this juncture that the idea of an organisation similarin character to the Boy Scouts occurred to me. I decided to borrow theplan, with certain modifications, confining the membership exclusivelyto our best families. 

Accordingly, on the first Saturday afternoon in the month of May Icalled a chosen group of lads together and explained to them my purpose, finding to my gratification that they welcomed it with the utmostenthusiasm. Possibly my manner of setting forth the project of an outingappealed to them even more than the project itself. I recall that, inpart, I spoke as follows:

"With me as your leader, your guide, your mentor, we shall go forth intothe open, to seek out the bosky dell; to pierce the wildwood tangle; topenetrate the trackless wilderness. Our tents shall be spread alongsidethe purling brook, hard by some larger body of water. There, in mymind's eye, I see us as we practise archery and the use of thesinglestick, both noble sports and much favoured by the early Britons. There we cull the flowers of the field and the forest glade, weavingthem into garlands, building them into nosegays. By kindness andpatience we tame the wild creatures. We learn to know the calls of thewildwood warblers, which I am credibly informed are many and varied incharacter; and by imitating those calls we charm the feathered minstrelsto leave their accustomed haunts on the sheltering bough and to come andperch on our outstretched hands. 

"We lave our limbs in the pellucid waters of the lake or large body ofwater just referred to. We briskly project ourselves to and fro in aswing of Nature's own contriving, namely, the tendrils of the wildgrapevine. We glean the coy berry from its hiding place beneath thesheltering leafage. We entice from their native element the finnydenizens of the brawling stream and the murmuring brook. We go quicklyhither and yon. We throb with health and energy. We become bronzed andhardy; our muscles harden to iron; our lungs expand freely and alsocontract with the same freedom, thus fulfilling their natural function. 

"We find the day all too short, too fleeting. And by night about thecrackling camp fire our happy voices, all united, are uplifted in songand roundelay. So, at length, wearied but happy, we seek repose inrefreshing slumber until the rising sun or orb of day summons us tofresh delights, new discoveries, added experiences!"

My imaginative picturing of the prospect had its desired results. Without loss of time all present, they being twelve in number, enrolledas members. From the minutes of this, our first meeting, as kept by mein a neatly lined book, which I had bethought me to provide for thatpurpose, I herewith enumerate the roster: Master Pope, Master Stickney, Master Worthington, Master MacMonnies, Master E. Smith and Master H. Smith--brothers, Master Odell, Master French, Master Horrigan, MasterFerguson, Master Dunworthy, and Master W. Smyth--nowise related to theforegoing Masters Smith, the name being spelled, as will be noted, witha y. 

I was particularly pleased that Master Percival Pope should be includedin our little band, for he was one to whom instinctively I had beenattracted by reason of the gentle and almost seraphic expression of hismild blue eyes, his soft voice and his great politeness of manner. 

Next in order there arose for consideration two very importantmatters--the selection of a title or cognomen and the choice of asuitable costume. Charging myself with the working out of an appropriatecostume design, I invited suggestions for a club name, at the same timeproffering several ideas of my own. Among those that were tendered Irecall the following: the Young Gentlemen Forest Rangers, the ChevalierBayard Wildwood League, the Rollo Boys, the Juvenile Ivanhoes, theBuffalo Bill Kiddos, the Young Buffaloes of the Wild West, the JuniorScalp Hunters, the Desperate Dozen, and the Johnnies-on-the-Spot. 

I deem it well-nigh unnecessary to state that the first four suggestionsemanated from my pen: the remaining five being fruitage of the inventivefancies of my young friends. 

We spent some time canvassing over the proposed cognomens, rejectingthis one for one reason, that one for another reason. None seemed togive general satisfaction. Those which especially pleased me--such, forinstance, as the Rollo Boys--met with small approbation from my youngcompatriots, and vice versa. 

At length, in the interests of harmony, I proposed that each membershould confer with his parents, his guardian or his kind teacher, with aview to striking on a suitable choice, always bearing in mind that theproposed name should carry with it a thought of the woody glade, thecraggy slope, the pebbly beach--in short, should remind one of Nature'schoicest offerings. As I said: "Not infrequently two heads are betterthan one; how much more desirable then to enlist the aid of a largenumber of heads?" So saying, I gave the signal for adjournment until thefollowing Monday evening at the hour of eight-thirty of the clock. 

Pursuant to adjournment we met at the appointed hour and speedilyarrived at a solution of our problem. One of our group--which one Ishall not state, since he was the son of that same gentleman who hadused such unwarranted and inconsiderate language regarding my Eton suitplan--presented a slip of paper bearing a line in the handwriting of hisfather. I opened and read it. 

In brief the writer's idea was that we should call our organisation theYoung Nuts of America, and that the leader, master or commander shouldbe known as Chief Nut or Principal Nut. Coming from a gentleman who hadexpressed himself so adversely regarding a former project that had beenclose to my heart this manifestation of interest on his part touched meprofoundly. Moreover, his suggestion appeared to my conceptions to beboth timely and effective, carrying with it, as it did, a thought of theopening of the burs, of the descent of autumn on the vernal forest, ofthe rich meatiness of the kernel; a thought of the delectable filbert, the luscious pecan and the succulent walnut--the latter, however, havinga tendency to produce cramping sensations when partaken of to excess. 

These sentiments my youthful adherents appeared to share with me, for onmy reading the paper aloud there followed an outburst of cheering, notunmixed with happy laughter. Checking them with a mild reminder thatthis was not a laughing matter, I put the proposition to a vote, and itwas decided unanimously that we should be known as the Young Nuts ofAmerica and that my official title should be Chief Nut. 

Master Pope then moved, seconded by Master Horrigan, that for the timebeing we should keep the name of our club a secret among ourselves. Tome there seemed no valid reason for this and I so stated; butappreciating their boyish fancy for creating an air of pleasant andinnocent mystery about whatever undertaking in which they might beengaged, I soon waived my objection and it was so ordered byacclamation. 

In this connection I desire to make a statement which may come as asurprise to many, and that is this: I have but lately--within the pastfew days, in fact--been informed that among persons addicted to the viceof slang the term nut is occasionally applied to other persons whom theysuspect of being mentally incapable or, in short, deranged. 

Personally I see no possible connection between a nut, either of somewild species or of a domesticated variety, and one who, alas, is bereftof reason. I trust, furthermore, that I am not of a suspicious nature, and assuredly I am loath to impugn sinister motives to any fellowcreature; but, in view of this, to me, astonishing disclosure, I amimpelled to believe either that the gentleman in question was himselfignorant of the double meaning of the word or that he deliberatelyconspired within himself to cast ridicule not only on me but on the bandof which his own son was a devoted adherent. 

Be that as it may, our next meeting was set for that evening one weekthence, at which time I promised my youthful followers I would appearbefore them with colour plates of the costume selected by me for wear onour outings; and also that I would bring all requisite informationregarding the proper methods of marching, camping, and so on. 

Herein I practised some small measure of deceit, for the costume itselfwas already fully designed and a copy of it, intended for my own use, was nearing completion in competent hands; but I purposely withheld thatinformation, intending to come before them properly accoutred as a happysurprise, as it were. 

In my hours of leisure I had given no little thought to this matter, andfinally enlisted the assistance of Miss Dorothea Peebles, who is wellknown as a member of our parish, and also does plain sewing anddressmaking. I called on Miss Peebles and explained to her thesituation; and after an hour spent in conference we devised a garb thatseemed to both of us eminently suited to the needs to which it would beput. 

At the outset of our interview certain small differences of opinionasserted themselves. Miss Peebles' original suggestion of a modificationof what she called the Little Lord Fauntleroy suit, to be constructed ofblack velvet with a flowing sash and lace cuffs, hardly seemed adaptedto our purpose. I was also impelled gently to veto her next notion, which was for a replica of the apparel commonly attributed to thepersonage known as Robin Hood and his deluded adherents. As I was atsome pains to elucidate for her understanding, I could never countenanceany recognition, however remote, of an individual of the type of RobinHood, who, however noble and generous he may have been in certainaspects, was beyond peradventure a person of uncertain moral character. 

Furthermore, the colour favoured by her--hunter's green--though of aharmonious tint as regards the prevalent tone of the forest gladeswherein we counted on roaming in a care-free manner, was by reason ofits very name inappropriate, since in a carnal sense we should not behunters at all, meaning to woo the wild creatures by acts of kindnessrather than to slay them with lethal weapons. 

The costume finally agreed on combined a number of distinctive touches. The head-dress was a red Scotch cap--tam-o'-shanter I believe is itscommon appellation--to be ornamented with a feather or tuft of simplefield flowers. There was to be a loose white blouse with a soft rollingcollar such as sailors wear, marked on the sleeve with any desirableinsignia, and joined or attached to the nether garments by means of abroad leather belt, set with a buckle. It was my own conception that thenether garments should be in hue blue, and should end just above theknees; also, that the stockings should be rolled down on the limbs, thusleaving the knees bare, after the custom followed by the hardy Tyroleseand the natives of the Highlands. We agreed that the matter of outercoats or woven jackets--I dislike the word sweater--for furtherprotection in inclement atmospheric conditions, should be left to thedictates of the individual. I deplored this, however, as tending to marthe general effect. 

All this having been arranged, Miss Peebles volunteered to construct acostume for me according to measurements that, for the sake of theproprieties, I made myself and sent to her by mail. With my mindrelieved of this duty, I set diligently about the task of acquaintingmyself fully with the duties of my position. I procured a number ofhelpful works, including among others: "Who's Who Among the Plants, Flowers, Herbs and Shoots"; "How to Know the Poison Ivy--a Brochure";"Archery in All Its Branches"; "The Complete Boy Camper, " by a Mr. E. Hough; and an authoritative work on swimming and diving. To thelast-named volume I applied myself with all intensity. I felt that athorough knowledge of swimming was essential to my position as guide andinstructor to these young minds. 

In my youth I never learned to swim; in fact, I went swimming but once. On that occasion the water was unpleasantly chilly; and on my venturingout waist-deep there was a sensation--a delusion if you will--that allthe important vital organs had become detached from their customaryalignments and were crowding up into the throat, impeding utterance anddistracting the thoughts from the work in hand. 

Also, on emerging from the pool I found my young companions in a spiritof mistaken pleasantry had tied my garments into quite hard knots. Thisinconsiderate and thoughtless act so disturbed me that I did not repeatthe experiment. Besides, on my returning home and repeating the entireincident in the family circle my mother admonished me that the downfallof countless youths properly dated from the day when they first wentswimming with idle comrades without having previously procured theconsent of their parents--a thing which from that hour forth I neverthought of doing. 

In order to acquire proficiency at swimming it was imperative on me, therefore, to start at the beginning. Fortunately the book on thissubject was very explicit in text and contained many charts and diagramsshowing the correct evolutions. With this book open before me at theproper place I lay prone on the floor, striking out with my arms andlegs according to the printed instructions, and breathing deeply throughthe nostrils. It was while I was so engaged that my housekeeper, Mrs. Matilda Dorcas, came into my room without knocking; for a moment thesituation became mutually embarrassing. 

Thereafter when prosecuting my studies I took the precaution to lock mybedroom door, thus insuring privacy. The result was, within four days Icould compliment myself with the reflection that I had completelymastered the art of swimming, being entirely familiar with the variousstrokes, including the breast stroke, the trudgeon stroke, theAustralian crawl stroke, and others of an even quainter nomenclature. 

To the best of my present recollection, it was on a Fridayevening--Friday, the twenty-first ultimo--that Miss Peebles sent to meby messenger my completed uniform, done up in a paper parcel. Having bytelephone notified the twelve charter members to attend a special calledmeeting that evening at the parish house, I repaired to my roomsimmediately after tea and proceeded to attire myself in the costume, standing meantime before my mirror to study the effect. In the main, Miss Peebles had adhered to the original design, except that the nethergarments or knickerbockers were of rather a light and conspicuous shadeof blue--I believe this colour tone is known vernacularly as robinblue--and she had seen fit to garnish their outer seams and the cuffsof the blouse with rows of white buttons of a pearl-like material andrather augmented size, which added a decorative but perhaps unnecessarytouch of adornment. 

Also, if I may so express myself, there was a feeling of undue publicityabout the throat, this being due to the open collar, and in the vicinityof the knees. I am somewhat slender of form, though not too slender, Itake it, for my height, standing, as I do, five feet six inches in myhalf hose, and I trust I am free from the sin of personal vanity; but Iconfess that at the moment, contemplating my likeness in the mirror, Icould have wished my knees had not been quite so prominentlyconspicuous, and that the projection of the thyroid cartilage of thelarynx, called vulgarly Adam's apple, had been perhaps a trifle lessobtrusive. 

To my slenderness I also attribute a feeling as though all was not wellin the vicinity of the waistline, even though I tightened andretightened my belt so snugly as to cause some difficulty in respiringproperly. From the time when I ceased to wear short trousers, whichbuttoned on, I have ever had recourse to braces or suspenders; and thelack of these useful but perhaps not beautiful adjuncts to a wardrobegave a sensation of insecurity which, for the nonce, proveddisconcerting in the extreme. 

Emotions that at this moment I find it hard to interpret in wordsactuated me to leave the house in a quiet and unostentatious fashion--bythe back door, in fact--and to proceed on my way to the parish house, two blocks distant, along a rather obscure side street. I was perhapshalfway there when through the falling dusk I discerned, approachingfrom the opposite direction, three of my parishioners--a Mr. G. W. Pottinger, whom from our first acquaintance I suspected of possessing anundue sense of humour, and his daughters, the Misses Mildred and MabelPottinger. 

For the moment I was possessed by a mental condition I may define asbeing akin to embarrassment. Involuntarily I turned into the nearestdoorway. My object was to avoid a meeting; I tell you this frankly. Immediately, however, I noted that the door I was about to enter wasthe door of a tobacco dealer's shop. As though frozen into marble, Ihalted with my hand on the latch. I have never had recourse to thatnoxious weed, tobacco, in any form whatsoever, except on one occasionwhen, in the absence of camphor, I employed it in a crumbled state forthe purpose of protecting certain woolen undergarments from the ravagesof the common moth. 

[Illustration: MAY I ASK WHETHER YOU ARE GOING TO A FANCY DRESS PARTYSOMEWHERE?]

Indeed, my attitude in regard to tobacco is as firm as that of theyouth, Robert Reed, whose noble and inspiring words on this subject, embodied in verse form, I have frequently quoted to the growing youthabout me. I realised instantly that to be seen in the apparent act ofleaving or entering the establishment of a tobacconist would, in asense, be compromising; so I retreated to the sidewalk just as Mr. Pottinger and the Misses Pottinger arrived at that precise point. 

In the gloaming I fain would have passed them with dignified yet hurriedmovement; but they put themselves directly in my path, and asrecognition was now inevitable, I halted, removing my cap with my righthand while with my left I continued, as I had been doing ever sinceleaving my lodgings, to retain a firm grasp on my waistline. 

"Good evening!" I said. "Is it not a pleasant evening since the cool ofevening set in? Good evening! Good-bye!" And so I would have continuedon my way. 

Mr. Pottinger somehow barred the way. I heard Miss Mildred Pottingergive voice to a species of gasp, while Miss Mabel, the younger sister, ayoung girl and much addicted, I fear, to levity, began uttering agurgling, choking sound that somewhat to my subconscious annoyancecontinued unabated during the interview which followed. 

"Good evening!" said Mr. Pottinger, clearing his throat. "I beg yourpardon, Doctor Fibble, but may I ask--Mabel, please be quiet!--may I askwhether you are going to a fancy-dress party somewhere?"

"By no means, " I replied. "I am en route, sir, to attend a special orcalled meeting of our newly formed boys' outing club. These are thehabiliments designed for club use. "

"Oh!" he said. "Oh, I see! Mabel, child, kindly restrain yourself. Don'tyou see Doctor Fibble and I are talking? Ahem! And is any one besidesyourself going to wear this--er--er--regalia in public?"

Having no sons of his own, Mr. Pottinger naturally would be unacquaintedwith the aims and objects of my present activities. Therefore I couldwell understand his ignorance. 

"Oh, yes, indeed, " was my answer; "all of our members are to wear it. "

"What will you bet?" Such was his astonishing rejoinder--I sayastonishing, because nothing had been said regarding a wager andcertainly nothing had been farther from my own thoughts. 

"What will I bet?" I echoed, for the instant nonplussed. Thenconsciousness of what I had just said came to me with a shock. Releasingmy waistband I clasped both my hands before me in an attitude to which Iam much given when desirous of signifying unwonted intensity offeeling. "Mr. Pottinger, " I said gravely, "I never bet. I regard it as areprehensible practice. I am bitterly opposed under all circumstances tothe hazard of chance. "

"All right! Excuse me, " he said; "only it seems to me you're taking onenow. Well, good evening, doctor, and good luck to you! Er--you don'tmind my complimenting you on your gameness, do you?"

And so he departed, continuing as long as he remained in my hearing toreprehend his younger daughter concerning her unseemly and ill-timedoutbursts. 

This episode, trifling though it was, served rather to increase than todiminish my nervousness; but upon my entering the assembly hall, wheremy young friends were gathered together awaiting my coming, all sense oftrepidation vanished, so spontaneous and uproarious was their greeting. The chorus of lusty young voices raised in instantaneous cheering was tome sufficient reward for all the pains to which I had been put. One andall, they manifested the deepest interest in the new uniform. 

At the request of Master Pope--he to whom I have already referred interms of high praise--I, standing on the small raised platform, turnedround and round slowly, in order that he and his fellows might betterstudy the effect, the enthusiasm increasing all the time until the soundwas really quite deafening in volume. It was, indeed, a refreshingexperience, following so closely on the Pottinger incident; and Iveritably believe that, had I not grown slightly dizzy, those brave boyswould have kept me revolving there for an hour. 

"Now, then, my fine fellows, " I said, when the noise had died down, "Ishall distribute among you twelve water-colour drawings, done by yourleader's own hand, showing the general plan and colour scheme to befollowed in executing this costume. Master Pope, will you kindly passout these copies to your mates?"

This done and the members being warned to have their uniforms speedilyready, I announced that on the following Thursday we should embark onour first invasion of the forest primeval, going for a campingexpedition of three days to the shores of Hatcher's Lake, a body ofwater situate, as I had previously ascertained, a distance of fortymiles by rail from the city and four miles more from the station atHatchersville, a small village. 

"We shall proceed to this obscure hamlet on the steam cars, " Iexplained, "and thence to our appointed place afoot, bearing our campbaggage and other accoutrements with us. "

With an uplifted hand I checked the outburst that was about to followthis announcement. 

"Remember, please, the proprieties!" I said. "Now then, all together, after me: Huzza! Huzza! Huzza!--Tiger!"

As the echoes died away Master Horrigan spoke:

"How about tents?" he said. 

"How about a cook?" This came from Master E. Smith, the stouter of thetwo Smiths with an i. 

"How about cots?" This last speaker, as I recall, was MasterMacMonnies. 

Other questions of a similar tenor volleyed on me from all quarters. 

For a space of time measurable by minutes I was quite taken aback. Soengrossed had I been with the costume, with acquiring skill at swimming, and with ordering from Boston a genuine English yew bow and a sheaf ofarrows, that until this moment these lesser details had entirely escapedmy attention; but at once my mind was at work on the situation. 

I recalled that in the work by Mr. Hough, entitled, "The Complete BoyCamper, " of which, as I have remarked before, I already had a copy byme, there was a chapter describing how a balmy couch, far superior toany ordinary bed, might be constructed of the boughs of the spruce, thehemlock, the cedar, or other evergreen growths indigenous to ourlatitude; and also a chapter describing methods of cooking without potsor pans over a wood fire. The author went so far as to say that baconwas never so delicious as when broiled on a pointed stick above theglowing coals in the open air, thus preserving the racy tang of thewoods; while it was stated that the ideal manner of preparing any smallgame or fish for human consumption was to roll it in a ball of wet clayand then roast it in the glowing ashes. 

It was set forth that the person in charge of the cooking should neverpluck or skin the game, or even open its interior for the purpose forwhich I believe such interiors are opened in similar cases; but thatwhen the fire had died down and the ball had assumed a bricklikeconsistency, one had but to rake the latter forth, whereupon it wouldsplit apart; that the skin, feathers or scales, as the case might be, adhering to the inner surfaces of the dried clay, would be removed, soto speak, automatically; and that the innermost contents of the animal, bird or fish--I hesitate to use the word employed in the book--that thecontents, as I shall call them, would then be found drawn up into asmall, hard knot, leaving the meat ready to be eaten. 

The author of the book went on to say that when in the woods he rarelyprepared his food after any other fashion, and that so cooked, with theaddition of a little salt, it was invariably deliciously flavoured--inshort, a dish fit for a king. 

Recalling these things, I told the lads they need not concern themselveswith such matters as cots and culinary utensils--that I would take thosematters in hand. I realise now, in the light of subsequent events, thatI spoke o'erhastily; but, inspired with confidence by my readings, Ifelt no doubt whatever regarding my ability to master such emergenciesas might arise. 

As for tents, I said that with the aid of a small axe I could within afew minutes, by following certain directions given in "The Complete BoyCamper, " construct commodious and comfortable lean-forwards. The work inquestion had spoken of these edifices as lean-tos, but I preferred theword lean-forwards as being more grammatical and more euphonious aswell. 

With a few parting admonitions from me concerning the costume, personaltoilet appendages, the hour of leaving, and so on, the meeting thenbroke up, the boys scattering into the darkness with ringing halloos ofunalloyed happiness, all very refreshing to hear, while I wended myhomeward way filled with not unpleasing reflections of the prospectbefore me. 

However, these thoughts were soon dissipated, for the intervening dayswere so filled with labour that I preserve but an indistinct and blurredrecollection of them. Just when I was sure that every imaginablecontingency had been provided for, some other item, unforeseen untilthen, would crop up. I was kept busy revising and enlarging my list ofneedful articles and scurrying about here and there among tradespeople, finally staggering home at twilight laden with parcels and quite on theverge of exhaustion. Really it was very annoying. 

Even with the coming of night there was no surcease, for such was mysense of my own responsibilities that my sleep was much broken. I wouldwake with a start from troubled slumber to remember something ofimportance that I had until that moment entirely forgotten. I developeda severe headache and became so distraught that to the simplestquestions I made strangely incongruous answers. Once, at eventide, onMrs. Dorcas' coming into my study to enquire what I would have forbreakfast the ensuing morning, I mechanically answered, to the no smallastonishment of that worthy person: "Spruce boughs!"

Nevertheless, the day of departure found me quite prepared. At least Ifancied I was amply prepared for all situations; but who can forestallthe emergencies that may confront one when one, leaving one's accustomedmode of life, plunges one's self headlong into another sphere, of anentirely dissimilar aspect? Who, I repeat, can foretell these?

I had meant to proceed afoot to the station, carrying my impedimenta, asan example of hardihood and endurance for the benefit of my youngadherents; but such was the number of parcels and their awkwardness ofshape and bulk that at the final moment, after I had painfully strainedmy arms in an effort to raise the largest pack to my back, and after Ihad been repeatedly tripped by the handle of my woodsman's axe, which Iwore in my belt, I suffered Mrs. Dorcas to summon a hired hack orconveyance. Seated on the rear seat of this vehicle, carrying some of myequipage in my lap and having the rest piled about me, I was conveyed tothe station. 

Seemingly tidings of our excursion had spread, for an unusually largecrowd was gathered on the platform as I drove up. Again, if I must ownit, the old feeling of conspicuousness in regard to my throat and kneesassailed me. Possibly this emotion was accentuated by a triflingcircumstance that eventuated as I sought to alight from the hack. Hampered by my belongings, I stumbled on the handle of my axe, whichpersistently trailed between my limbs, and was thrown headlong betweenthe wheels, while many of my dislodged parcels descended on me, retarding my efforts to regain my equilibrium. 

Having been assisted to my feet by several bystanders, I lost no time inentering the waiting room, where, noting that I was apparently theobject of some quite unnecessary curiosity on the part of thosepresent, I remained in a corner surrounded by my bundles and with myhandkerchief fanning my face, which felt quite warm, until the momentfor departure drew near. Several times during this interval I caughtmyself regretting that I had arrived so early; half an hour or moreelapsed before my young followers began to appear, straggling in one byone. 

To my great surprise and no less disappointment I discovered that of allour number I alone was properly clad and accoutred for this, our veryfirst outing. In the main the members who appeared were attired merelyin their customary garments. Each in turn explained that for variousreasons he had been unable to secure his completed costume in propertime. Four of the lads, as I learned at secondhand, through thediligence of their mothers, had acquired the prescribed apparel; but allfour, strange to say, had been taken ill that very morning and now senttheir excuses, expressing deep regret at being unable to join us. Really, when I recall what was to occur in my own instance it wouldalmost seem to one superstitiously inclined that a sort of fatalityattached to the wearing of the garb. 

At the last moment Master Dunworthy, our youngest member, arrived incharge of his mother; and he, I was rejoiced to behold, was properlyapparelled in the regulation red cap, white blouse and light blue nethergarments. A diffidence, with which I could in a measure sympathise, induced Master Dunworthy to walk closely behind his mother; in fact itmight almost be said he came forward unwillingly, impelled by the firmgrip of the maternal hand on his collar. He was also sobbing audibly, presumably from homesickness. 

With a view to assuaging his distress I made him colour bearer on thespot and conferred on him the compliment of bearing our flag--white, with a red border and a design of a large blue filbert in the centre--abanner of my own designing and worked out by Miss Peebles. I could havewished the filbert had looked more like a filbert and less like a melon;but the general effect, I flattered myself, was excellent. Yet thebestowal of this honour failed to revive the despondent spirits ofMaster Dunworthy. 

Up to the moment of leaving, I cherished the hope that some of theabsentees would appear, but that was not to be. When with infinitedifficulty I had marshalled my charges aboard the train, amid thefriendly laughter and cheering of the crowd, I found that we were, alltold, but seven in number; and but a moment after we were reduced tosix, since Master Dunworthy unaccountably vanished, leaving the flagbehind him. 

So engaged was I in the task of bestowing our seemingly innumerabletrappings properly that the train was actually in motion before I becamecognisant of his disappearance. Convinced that he had been left behindby accident, I entreated the conductor to return for our colour bearer;but this the conductor refused to do, saying it was enough to be runninga circus train without having to back up every time one of the animalsgot lost, strayed or stolen. This I took to be a veiled thrust at ourlittle band and as such I treated it with dignified silence. 

We were presently rolling away through the peaceful, sunlit countrysideat an exhilarating speed, and I, little dreaming of what was in storefor me and believing all our troubles were now behind us, felt temptedto indulge myself in the luxury of drawing several deep breaths ofrelief. However, fresh distractions occurred. I was much annoyed todiscern among the remaining lads a romping and disorderly spirit, whichI was at pains to discourage, at first by shakes of the head and frowns, and ultimately by expressions of open reproof, such as "Tut! Tut!" and"Pray be done, young gentlemen! I beseech you to be done. "

To me it appeared that certain of the adult passengers, by covert signsand sounds of approval, were actually abetting and encouraging theurchins in their misbehaviour. Master Pope, alone of all his fellows, maintained a suitable deportment. As he sat demurely behind me Iobserved him in the act of imitating my gestures of reproof to his lessdecorous comrades--a manifestation of the emulative spirit whichgratified me no little. 

I own that I was much rejoiced to hear the verbal announcement of theconductor's assistant--known, I believe, as the brakeman--thatHatchersville would be the next stopping place. True enough, the train, as though to confirm his words, stopped almost immediately. As we leftthe car, myself bringing up the rear and bearing the flag in addition tomy other belongings, some slight delay was occasioned by the flagstaffgetting crosswise in the door opening. As, with the brakeman's goodoffices, I succeeded in dislodging it from its horizontal position, avoice behind me called out, "Good-bye, little Tut-tut!" which offensiveremark was at once caught up by others. 

I framed a fitting and, I think, a crushing retort, but before I hadentirely completed it in my own mind the cars had moved on and I foundmyself standing with my diminished troop on the platform, surrounded bya staring ring of rustics of all ages and conditions. 

For some reason these persons appeared to labour under the impressionthat we constituted some sort of travelling amusement enterprise. One ofthem, a person of elderly aspect, asked me what kind of medicine I wasselling, and a number of small boys requested me to shoot with my bowand arrows for their delectation. Disregarding these impertinences, Ienquired of the elderly man how one might best reach Hatcher's Lake. 

"Straight down the main pike, " he replied, pointing to a gravel-coatedroad winding away toward the top of an adjacent hill; "but it's better'nthree miles, and if you're aimin' to give a free show and sell InjunBitters or somethin' you'd a heap better stop right here, because you'dgit a bigger crowd than you would up at the lake. "

Rendered pettish, possibly irritable, by the display of an ignorance sodense and incomprehensible, I waved him aside without deigning toanswer. 

"Fall in!" I bade my followers in a military manner; and then, when theyhad gathered up their belongings: "Forward--march!"

In his crude vernacular, which I have endeavoured to reproducefaithfully, the aged rustic had said Hatcher's Lake was better thanthree miles distant. I am convinced what he meant was not better butworse. 

As we marched away over the brow of the hill the sun shone down withexcessive and caloric fervour and the dust rose in thick clouds, coatingour lineaments, which already were bedewed with perspiration. Momentarily the articles that filled my arms and hung on my shouldersand back grew more cumbersome and burdensome, and speedily I developed ablistered and feverish condition of the feet or pedal extremities. 

I think it must have been at about this time I dropped my shavingoutfit, a wash-rag and my toothbrush out of the breast pocket of myblouse, and lost, presumably from under my arm, the small parcelcontaining my bedroom slippers and a garment intended for nightwearexclusively. A vial of cold cream, all my spare pocket handkerchiefs, and the brochure on the peculiarities of the poison ivy alsodisappeared during the journey--but at exactly what point I know not andcould not, with propriety, undertake to say. Throughout the march, however, though well-nigh spent and exhausted, I clung to the otherburdens, holding in my hands and under my arms, among other things, thebow and arrows, the flag, the axe, a blanket, a cake of soap, and asmall sofa pillow of pale pink which Mrs. Dorcas had insisted on mybringing with me. 

I have not at my command words proper to describe my profound reliefwhen, after travelling what seemed a great distance, mainly uphill, wereached a point where, advised by a signpost, we turned off the mainhighway into a wooded bypath traversing aisles of majestic forestmonarchs, which seemed to extend for vast distances in every direction, and came at length to our destination. 

How cool seemed the placid mirror of the lake, with its surfaceunruffled, or practically so! How inviting the mossy greensward! Howgrateful the dense shade! How cooling to parched lips the cool fluidbubbling from its spring or fountain! To complete enjoyment of this lastnamed there was but one drawback. We had forgotten to bring any drinkingcups. 

Master Horrigan contrived to fashion his hat into some manner ofdrinking receptacle, and after some passing reluctance I was induced toslake my thirst with the aid of this; but I am sure I should never careto drink regularly from a boy's hat. 

Our thirst being sated, the lads manifested an inclination to removetheir garments and dash headlong into the waters of the lake; but I saidthem nay. 

"All things in order, " quoth I, "and one thing at a time, if you please, my young comrades. First, we must, as the cant word goes, pitch our campand prepare our temporary habitations; then shall we partake of suitablemidday refreshment. After which, following a period devoted by me tohelpful discourse and the exercise of the digestive processes on thepart of all present, we may safely consider the advisability ofdisporting ourselves in yon convenient sheet or pool of water; but, inview of our arduous march just completed, I feel that we should be amplyjustified in reclining on the greensward for a brief passage of time. "

So saying, I set the example by throwing myself in a prone attitude onthe turf; but not for long did I remain thus. Considering its mossyappearance, the earth seemed unduly hard and strangely unsuited to serveas a cushion for the recumbent human form. In addition, there was anamazing prevalence of insect life, all of it characterised by a restlessand constant activity. 

Ofttimes have I read verses by our most inspired poets telling of thedelights of lying prostrate within the leafy fastnesses of the forestdeep, but I am forced to believe these poets were elsewhere when engagedin inditing their immortal lines. On suitable occasions I have myselfindulged in poesy; but I am quite certain I could not court the musewhile ants were crawling on my limbs and even invading my garments, asin the present instance. Earwigs were also remarked. 

So, rising, I cautioned my followers to withdraw themselves to a safedistance; and then, with the aid of the woodsman's axe--borrowed fromour worthy hardware merchant, Mr. J. T. Harkness, to whom credit is duefor his abundant kindness--I proceeded to fell or cause to fall thetrees of which I proposed constructing our lean-forwards, two or more innumber. 

My initial object of attack was a large tree; but, finding its fibres tobe of a singularly hard and resistant nature, and the axe manifesting anunaccountable tendency to twist in my hands, causing the sides of theaxe rather than its edged portion to strike against the tree, resultingin painful shocks to my arms and shoulders, I was soon induced toabandon it for a smaller tree. 

In circumference of trunk this second tree was hardly more than asapling, yet it required upward of half an hour of the most arduous andpersistent labour, and several large water blisters appeared on thepalms of my hands before it tottered, bent, cracked and finally fellquivering on the earth. In descending it perversely took the wrongdirection, narrowly escaping striking me in its fall; indeed, one ofits lower limbs severely scratched my left cheek. 

Nor did the severed trunk possess the neat and symmetrical appearance Ihave noted in the case of trees felled by professional woodsmen. Ratherdid it present the aspect of having been gnawed down by slow degrees, resembling, if I may use the simile, a very hard lead pencil, the pointof which has been renewed with a very dull knife. 

A hasty mental calculation now convinced me that at this rate ofprogress many hours or possibly days would elapse before I felled asufficient number of trees to construct one or more lean-forwards of thedimensions I had in mind. Desiring opportunity to ponder over this, Isuggested to the lads, who were seated in a row following my movementswith every indication of lively interest, that we desist for the timefrom building operations and enjoy luncheon, which announcement wasgreeted with audible approval by all. 

"Let us build a true woodsmen's camp fire, " I said; "and over it I shallbroil for your delectation succulent slices of crisp bacon. "

Almost immediately a cheery fire was burning on the shore of the lake. From the stock of supplies I brought forth a strip of bacon, finding itmuch greasier than I had anticipated; I may say I had never beforehandled this product in its raw state. I set about removing a suitablenumber of slices. Here an unanticipated contingency developed--in thepress of other matters I had failed to provide a knife or other edgedtool with which to slice it. One of the lads produced from his pocket asmall knife; but, suspecting from the appearance of the blade thepresence of lurking bacteria, I used the axe. This gave the slices asomewhat uneven and ragged appearance. 

Affixing a suitable fragment of the meat on a forked stick, I fell tobroiling it. The smoke from the fire proved most annoying. No matter inwhat position one placed oneself, or where one stood, this smoke invadedone's nostrils and eyes, causing choking and smarting sensations. Then, too, in the early stages of my cooking operations a caterpillar fellfrom a bough overhead down the back of my neck. 

I was taken quite unaware, I do assure you. I have ever entertained adistaste, amounting to aversion, for caterpillars, both in an activeliving state and when they have been crushed beneath the careless foot. With me this attained to a deep-rooted antipathy. Even at the sight ofone progressing on a limb or leaf, by wrinkling up its back, I can withdifficulty repress a visible shudder. How much greater the shock, then, to feel it descending one's spinal column?

I uttered a short, involuntary outcry and, stepping backward, Iencountered some slippery object and was instantly precipitated withjarring force to the earth. It appeared that I had set my foot on thestrip of bacon, which inadvertently I had left lying on the grounddirectly in my rear. An unsightly smear of grease on the reverse breadthof my blue knickerbockers was the consequence. I endeavoured, though, topass off the incident with a pleasant smile, saying merely:

"Accidents will happen in the best-regulated families, will they not?Oh, yes, indeed!"

The first strip of bacon having fallen in the fire and been utterlydestroyed, I prepared another; and, as Master Pope volunteered to standvigilantly on guard behind me and prevent other caterpillars fromdescending on me, I resumed my task. Nevertheless, Master Pope'sministrations proved of small avail. During the course of the next fewminutes no less than six separate and distinct caterpillars, besides asmall black beetle or cockchafer of a most repellent aspect, fell downmy back. 

Once, turning my head suddenly, I found Master Pope holding acaterpillar extended between the thumb and forefinger of his right handalmost directly above the nape of my neck. He explained that he hadplucked it out of midair as it was in the act of dropping from theleafage above. I admired his presence of mind greatly, but his courageyet more. I confess that except to save human life I should never havethe fortitude to grasp a caterpillar with an ungloved hand. 

Doubtlessly because of the nervousness occasioned by the prevalence ofcaterpillars, the bacon as broiled was not the unqualified success I hadbeen led to expect from reading Mr. Hough's work. Personally, I couldnot grow rapturous over the wildwood tang of which so much has been saidin a complimentary way by other and more experienced campers thanmyself. I am inclined to think the wildwood tang must be an acquiredtaste. 

Altogether, I fear our noontide repast might have proved rather afailure had it not been that Master Horrigan's mother at the hour of hisdeparture had bestowed on him a quantity of ham sandwiches and a largelemon-jelly cake of the layer variety. Eliminating broiled bacon fromour menu we lunched, therefore, on sandwiches and a part of the cake, the latter in particular being quite agreeable to the palate though in asomewhat shaken and disturbed state from being transported beneathMaster Horrigan's arm. 

The immediate pangs of hunger being assuaged, I craved tea. Tea is theone stimulant in which I indulge. A cup of moderately strong Oolong, slightly weakened by the addition of a modicum of cream or hot milk, with three lumps of sugar in it, is to me a most refreshing drink andone to which I am strongly drawn. So I set about brewing myself aportion of tea. 

Again backsets developed. I enumerate them: First, I knew nothing, except by the merest hearsay, of the art of brewing tea. Second, I hadfailed to provide myself with a teapot or similar vessel. Third, in thenatural confusion of the moment I had left the tea on board the train. Fourth, there was no milk, neither was there cream or sugar. A sense oflassitude, with a slight headache, was the result of my having perforceto forego my customary cup. 

I had meant to devote the hour following the meal to an enliveningdiscourse on the joys of outdoor life and communion with Nature in herdevious moods, as the poet hath said, to be couched in language suitablefor the understanding of my hearers. Accordingly, stretching myselfprone on my blanket, with my pink sofa pillow beneath my head, I beganan opening sentence. 

Shortly thereafter I must have drifted off; for, on being wakened by theefforts of an ant to penetrate my inner ear, I discovered, somewhat tomy disapproval since there had been no order to this effect, that thefive youngsters had divested themselves of their outer garbings and weredisporting themselves in the lake--some wading near shore, some divingheadlong from a fallen log that protruded from the bank. A superficialscrutiny of their movements showed me that, though all were capable ofsustaining themselves in the unstable element, scarce one of them madeany pretence of following out the evolutions as laid down for guidancein the work entitled "Swimming in Twenty Easy Lessons. "

Without loss of time I repaired to the shelter of a near-by thicket, where I removed my costume and folded it neatly, as is my wont, andswiftly attired myself in a new bathing suit. In another moment I hadmounted the fallen log and was advancing toward the spot where theywere splashing about. 

"Hold, young gentlemen--hold!" I called out, at the same time haltingthem with a wave of my hand. "Kindly desist and give to me yourundivided attention. The method employed by you in keeping your personsafloat is, as I note, faulty in the extreme. By actual demonstration Ishall now instruct you in the rudiments of this graceful art. "

With these words, I advanced another step and yet another. At thisinstant my foot slipped on the rounded surface of the recumbent tree, and before I could extend my limbs forth and arrange them in the properattitude for making the first stroke, in fact before I had anopportunity for taking any precautionary measures whatsoever, I waspropelled outward and downward upon the bosom of the lake, striking withconsiderable violence on my lower diaphragm. 

To my astonishment, I might even say to my most complete astonishment, Iwent under practically instantaneously. This immediately induced asense of uneasiness, which increased to actual apprehension when I foundit impossible to straighten myself on the water in the postureillustrated in Diagram A in the first lesson. 

Instinctively I felt all was not well with me!

With a view, therefore, to securing temporary assistance until I couldcollect myself and regain my customary calmness, I opened my mouth toutter certain words; but, instead of speech issuing forth, aconsiderable volume of water poured down my throat, producing a muffled, gurgling sound. From this point on my apprehension grew perceptiblyuntil I grasped the helping hands that were extended to me and, after afew struggles, was, by the aid of those chivalrous youths, drawn in aweak and temporarily voiceless condition to safety on the bank. 

There for some time I was content to remain, permitting the water I hadinadvertently swallowed to pour forth from my interior, the ladscontinuing to frolic about in the treacherous lake until I had entirelyrecovered. Thus some time passed. Finally, summoning them to me I statedthat the first swimming lesson was herewith suspended until a moresuitable moment, and gave the command for catching a number of finnybeauties for our evening meal. This, however, was rendered impossible byreason of our having no fish-hooks or other suitable appurtenances forcatching them. Really, it would seem that for the simplest outing analmost incalculable number and variety of accessories are needful!

In view of this situation I promptly devised an altered plan ofcampaign. Inwardly I had already gained my own consent to abandon theproject of building any lean-forwards for our use on this particularoccasion. I now split our strength into parties of equal number and, detailing Masters Ferguson and Horrigan to aid me in constructingwoodmen's couches, I assigned to Masters Pope, E. Smith and H. Smith thetask of faring forth into the wilderness that encompassed us to seek thewild fruit and to kill, as painlessly as possible, sufficient wild gamefor our next repast. 

At the same time I warned them, above all things, to avoid destroyingthe feathered songsters. Under other circumstances I would have decriedslaughtering any living creatures whatsoever; but in the existingemergency a certain amount of carnage appeared inevitable, for, as Isaid to them: "Must we not eat? Shall we not obey Nature's first law?"

To bring about this consummation I intrusted to Master Pope my bow andsheath of arrows, instructing him verbally, so far as I remembered it, in the knowledge of using these weapons, as contained in the manual onthat subject, "Archery in All Its Branches. "

With merry cries--for the spirits of these brave lads seemedunquenchable--the three huntsmen moved off through the trees; and atonce their forms were lost to sight, while I gave myself over tosuperintending the labours of my chosen aides in the gathering of boughsof the fragrant evergreen, and in arranging this material at equidistantintervals about our camp-fire site so as to form six springy couches. Ascompleted, these couches lacked that luxurious appearance I had beenled to expect; but I consoled myself with the reflection: Pretty is aspretty does!

We had barely concluded our labours when, with glad halloos, ourreturning comrades came into sight bearing the spoils of the chase, consisting of a brace of large birds, one being black in colour, theother white, and both quite dead. At once I was struck by theresemblance of these birds to ordinary barnyard fowls, but Master Popeexplained that they were woodcock. His uncle, Mr. H. K. Pope, our localpoultry dealer, frequently carried such woodcock in stock, he said; so Iwas reassured. 

Nor was this all. The Masters Smith had picked a considerable quantityof wild strawberries. Theretofore I had always supposed that wildstrawberries were small, but these berries were really quite large, somebeing as large as the adult human thumb. What especially attracted myattention was the receptacle in which Master E. Smith bore them, itbeing of rough, dark earthenware, circular in pattern and plainly of aprimitive design. 

On Master Smith's telling me that he had come on this object buried inthe woods, I reached the conclusion that it must be a relic of the earlyMound Builders, those mysterious people who in prehistoric timesinhabited this our continent. 

A discovery so interesting at once induced a train of thought. Seatingmyself on my sofa pillow, I bade the boys gather about me, and I thengave an impromptu discourse on the subject of this vanished race, meantime holding in my hands the earthenware vessel and occasionallyelevating it in illustration as I described the customs and habits ofthe Mound Builders so far as known. 

Thus by easy stages I progressed onward and downward through the ages totheir successors and inheritors, the red men, or copper-colouredaborigines, formerly so numerously encountered in this hemisphere, butnow reduced to a diminishing remnant, sequestered mainly in the FarWest, though with small reservations yet remaining, I believe, incertain of our Eastern States, notably New York and North Carolina. 

With his large blue eyes fixed on my face Master Pope listened with theutmost gravity and attention to my remarks, which behaviour was incontrast to that of his four associates, who seemed to derive food forsubdued laughter from what was being said. I am often at a loss tofathom the causes which originate outbursts of levity on the part of ourgrowing youth; and so it was in this instance. 

Carried on and on by the manifold reflections and absorbing interestattached to my theme, I was surprised to observe that the sun haddeclined far down the western horizon. Rising to my feet with somedifficulty, for the unwonted exertions of the day had created astiffness of the limbs, I said, in effect, this:

"And now, Young Nuts of America--for here in the remote depths of thewoods, far remote from any human habitation, I feel that I may apply toone and all the secret appellation we chose for our privatecommunions--now, my Young Nuts, playtime is over and worktime has come. See, the hour of evening draws on apace. Night impends, or willindubitably do so shortly. In anticipation of our first night spentbeneath the starry stars, with only Heaven's blue vault for a canopy, let us forget the petty annoyances which have in a measure marred ourfirst day. Did I say marred? No; not that--for these things should bebut object lessons teaching us to profit by them, to perfect ourselvesin woodcraft. So let us be merry, care-free and bright. 

"If you will but replenish our camp fire I, for my part, shall take oneof these plump wild fowl, or woodcock, which have fallen before theprowess of our doughty huntsman and fellow member, Master Pope, and, without the use of pot or pan, shall prepare for you a true wildwooddish, of the most delicious and delicate character imaginable. So, fallto, Young Nuts of America--fall to with a will--and that right gladly!"

Leaving them to their employment, I repaired to the shore of the lakeand, after mastering a somewhat natural repugnance, I made with my handsa mortar or paste of thick clay, in which I encased the black woodcock. Try as I might, though, I could not give to the object thus treated agraceful or finished appearance. Finally, despairing of producing in itan outward semblance of tidiness, I returned to the camp fire, placedthe completed product in the heart of the flames, and retired a few feetto await its completion. 

In twenty minutes I judged the food should be quite done, but retainingwithal its natural savours and juices: so at the expiration of thattime, by using a stick I drew it forth from its fiery bed and, when themass had sufficiently cooled, broke away the earthen covering, whileabout me my young compatriots clustered in eager anticipation. 

For the reader's sake, and for my own as well, I shall pass hurriedlyover the dénouement. Suffice it to say, either the clay used by me hadnot been of the proper consistency or this species of woodcock was notadapted by nature for being cooked after this fashion. None of us--noteven Master E. Smith, in whom I had previously remarked an unfailingappetite--cared to indulge in the dish. Indeed, it was not until I hadremoved the unsightly and gruesome object--these are the only adjectivesthat properly describe it--to a point considerably remote from ourcamping place that I deemed myself to be sufficiently revived to jointhe others in a frugal supper consisting of the remaining sandwiches anda slice apiece of lemon-jelly cake. 

The meal, simple though it was, progressed slowly by reason of thefrequent presence of ants in the viands--principally small black ants ofa lively disposition, though some large black ants were also observed. Again, at the conclusion of the supper, my thoughts turned with intenselonging to tea. 

It had been contemplated that the evening should be spent in a ringabout our camp fire, singing songs and glees and old familiar melodies;but the oncoming of darkness dispelled in me all desire to uplift thevoice in melodious outpourings. The thickening of the shadows along theturf, the spectral gleaming of the lake between the trunks of theintervening trees, the multiplying of mysterious and disquieting nightnoises, the realisation that we were isolated in the depths of theforest--all these things had a dispiriting influence on my thoughts. 

In addition, the mosquitoes proved exceedingly pernicious in theiractivities and in their numbers as well. The cool of the eveningappeared but to give zest and alacrity to their onslaughts. Under theirattacks my companions bore up blithely--in sooth, I have naught butadmiration for the commendable fortitude displayed by those gallantyouths throughout--but I suffered greatly in various parts of myanatomy, notably my face, neck, hands and knees. 

In the absence of authoritative information on the subject I hesitate tocommit myself firmly to the definite assertion, but I feel warranted inthe assumption that there can be no mosquitoes in the Tyrol, else theTyrolese, albeit a hardy race, would assuredly have modified theirtribal dress in such a way so as to extend the stockings up higher orthe trousers down lower. 

Even at the risk of destroying the historical verities, I now regrettedexceedingly that I had not of my own initiative altered my costume insuch a way as to better protect the joints of the knees. 

At a comparatively early hour I gave the signal for retiring and eachone sought his couch of fragrant balsam. After exchanging boyishconfidences in half-whispered undertones for some time, and occasionallybreaking forth into smothered fits of laughter, my followers presentlyslept. 

My own rest, however, was of a most broken and fragmentary character. Avariety of reasons contributed to this: the chill; the sense ofloneliness and, as it were, of aloofness; the mosquitoes, whichcontinued to hold, as the saying goes, high carnival; the lack ofsuitable food; my depression of spirit; and my bodily discomforts--tocite a few of the principal causes. 

In addition to being racked in practically all of my various members, blistered as to hands and feet, and having a very painful scratch on mynose, I was exceedingly sun-burned. I failed to mention this detailearlier. I am naturally of a light, not to say fair, complexion, and thewalk of the morning had caused my skin to redden and smart to a moreexcruciating extent than I remember to have ever been the case on anysimilar occasion. 

I am forced to the conclusion that the pleasure to be derived fromsleeping on a bed of spruce or hemlock boughs has been greatlyoverestimated by those who have written and spoken with such enthusiasmon the topic. To me the prickly, scratchy sensation imparted by contactwith the evergreen was such as to counterbalance the delights ofinhaling its tonic and balsamic fragrance. 

Likewise, until a late hour my blanket kept slipping or sliding off myrecumbent form, exposing me to the rigors of the night wind. No soonerdid I draw it snugly about my shivering form than it would crawl--crawlis exactly the word--it would crawl off again. Finally, in feeling aboutto ascertain if possible the reason for this, my fingers encountered along string, which was securely affixed to a lower corner of mycovering. 

In the morning, on my mentioning this curious circumstance, Master Popespoke up and informed me that, being roused during the night and notingthat I was experiencing great difficulty in keeping properly covered, hehad quietly affixed a string to a lower corner of the blanket in thehope of anchoring it the more firmly in position. More than ever my soulwent out to him in gratitude for the thoughtfulness of his act, eventhough it had failed of its desired effect. 

Overborne and spent with sheer weariness I must have dropped offfinally; probably I slept for some hours. Shortly before the dawning Iwakened with a start and sat up, then instantly laid myself down againand at the same time placed my hands on my bosom to stay the rapidbeating of my heart; for I had become instantly aware of the immediateproximity of some large creature. There was a rustling of the bushes, the sound drawing ever nearer and nearer; there was a sniffing noise, frequently increasing to a snort. With my eyes above the upper hem ofmy blanket I strained my vision in the direction from which thedisturbance proceeded. To my agitation I perceived in the greyish glooma large, slowly shifting black bulk, distant but a few paces from me. Naturally, I thought of bears. 

In this emergency I may say, in all modesty, that I retained my entireself-possession. Extending wide my arms in a threatening gesture Iuttered the first exclamation that entered my mind. In a tense butintimidating tone of voice I said, "Shoo! Shoo!" repeating theejaculation with emphasis until, to my relief, the creature moved offinto the thickets and came no more, being daunted, doubtless, by myaggressive and determined mien. 

For reasons I deemed amply sufficient I did not rise to hasten theretreat of the invading beast, nor did I waken my slumbering youngcompanions. I reflected that, as their guide and protector, it was myduty to spare them all possible uneasiness. Inspired by this thought, therefore, I made no subsequent mention of the adventure; but onundertaking a private investigation some time after daylight I found theremaining wild strawberries were all gone; the receptacle that hadcontained them lay overturned and empty on the ground. 

Recalling then that bears are reputed to be excessively fond of sweetthings I put two and two together and by this deductive process Iconfirmed my earlier suspicions. It had indeed been a bear! And what, but for my presence of mind, might have been the dire results? I couldwith difficulty repress a shudder. But I anticipate myself by somehours. We will go back to the time of the nocturnal, or perhaps I shouldsay prematutinal, visitation. 

Made abnormally wakeful by that which had just occurred, I remained fora considerable time retired well down under the covering as regards myperson, but with my eyes open and every sense on the alert. Eventually, however, my vigilance relaxed and I seemed to drift off; and I remainedwrapped in fitful slumber until rewakened by a persistent pattering onmy blanket. It would appear that for some time past rain had beenfalling. I was quite damp and my limbs were much chilled, and I hadalready begun to develop certain unfailing signs of a severe cold in thehead--a malady to which I am subject. 

The rain soon ceased, however; and, beyond confirming the evidence ofthe bear's visit as just stated, nothing further marked our risingexcept my discovery that in tossing about during the night I had brokenboth the crystals of my eyeglasses. 

Breakfast was far, oh! far from being a cheerful meal, consisting as itdid of water from the lake and the crumbled, ant-ridden fragments of thelemon-jelly layer cake. Once more the thought of a steaming hot cup oftea came to me with compelling insistency, provoking an almostoverpowering longing for the comforts of some roofed and walleddomicile, howsoever humble. I shall not deny that at this moment theappurtenances and conveniences of modern civilisation appealed to mewith an intensity hard to describe in language. 

Moreover, I was forced to the conclusion that, because of circumstancesover which we had no control, our outing thus far had in a number of itsmost material aspects been far from an unqualified triumph. 

Yet so well did I conceal my innermost sentiments from my juvenilecompanions that soon, in response to my smiling looks and apt remarks, they were crying out with laughter--indeed, responding with resoundingguffaws to my every sally. When I tell you my countenance was quitecovered over with blisters, where not disfigured by the welts inflictedby the venomed darts of the mosquitoes, you will perhaps more readilyunderstand what these efforts to assume a buoyant bearing and a happyexpression cost me. 

Shortly after finishing the last of the lemon-jelly cake the fiveyoungsters manifested an inclination to fare away into the forest on ajoint journey of exploration. I did not seek to dissuade them--rather, Iencouraged them and by all the means in my power expedited theirdeparture; for, in truth, I longed for a time to be alone. I hoped, inthe silence and solitude of these trackless wilds, to formulatesuitable and reasonable excuses for cutting our outing short andreturning before nightfall to the several places of our habitation, there at our leisure to plan another expedition under what, I fondlytrusted, would be more favourable auspices. 

Furthermore, I sought an opportunity for taking in privacy an extensiveswimming lesson. Since the afternoon before I had felt my technic inswimming was deficient, and I was determined to persevere in rehearsalsof the various evolutions until I had become letter perfect. Lastly, Idesired to give my cold a treatment in accordance with an expedient thathad just occurred to me. 

No sooner had the lads scampered away, making the vast grove ring amainto their acclaims, than I began my preparations. Ordinarily, whenafflicted by a catarrhal visitation, it is my habit to use foralleviation cubeb cigarettes. Having none of these about me and havingin some way mislaid my sole pocket handkerchief, I now hoped to checkthe streaming eyes--and nose--and soothe the other symptoms of thecomplaint by inhaling the aromatic smoke of burning balsam. 

I placed many sprigs of cedar on the camp fire. Immediately a thick, black cloud rose. A short distance away, on a flat stretch of turf, Ispread my blanket, placing in the centre of it my pink sofa pillow. Midway between fire and blanket I deposited the earthen relic that hadcontained the wild strawberries, having previously filled it with waterfrom the lake. I state these things circumstantially because all thishas a bearing on what was shortly to ensue. 

All things being arranged to my satisfaction, I proceeded to go throughthe following routine: First, stretching myself prostrate and facedownward on the blanket, with the central portion of my person restingon the sofa pillow as a partial prop or support, I would count aloud"One--two--three--go!" and then perform the indicated movements ofSwimming Lesson Number One, striking out simultaneously with my arms andlower limbs. 

When wearied by these exertions I would rise, and visiting the firewould bend forward over it, inhaling the fumes and vapours untilsuffocation was imminent, anon returning to the blanket to resume myswimming exercises; but in going and in coming I would halt to lave myface, hands and knees in the cooling water contained in the receptacle. 

I imagine, without knowing definitely, that I had been engaged in theseoccupations for perhaps half an hour, and felt that I had madecommendable progress in my swimming. At a moment when I was extendedprone on the blanket, counting rapidly as I mastered the breast stroke, that subtle, subconscious instinct possessed by all higher and moresensitive organisms suddenly warned me that I was no longer alone--thatalien eyes were bent on me. 

Suspending my movements I reared myself on my knees and peered about methis way and that. Immediately an irrepressible tremor ran through mysystem. Directly behind me, armed with a dangerous pitchfork andmaintaining an attitude combining at once defence and attack, was alarge, elderly, whiskered man, roughly dressed and of a mostdisagreeable cast of countenance. 

At the same moment I observed, stealing softly on me from an oppositedirection, a younger man of equally formidable aspect; and, to judge bycertain of his facial attributes, the son of the first intruder. Ishortly afterward ascertained that they were indeed father andoffspring. The younger marauder bore a large, jagged club and carried arope coiled over his arm. 

I will not deny that trepidation beset me. What meant the presence ofthis menacing pair here in the heart of the forest? What meant theirstealthy advance, their weapons, their wild looks, their uncouthappearance? Assuredly these boded ill. Perhaps they were robbers, outlaws, felons, contemplating overt acts on my life, limbs andproperty! Perhaps they were escaped maniacs! With a sinking of the heartI recalled having heard that the Branch State Asylum for the Insane wassituate but a few short miles distant from Hatchersville!

[Illustration: UNTIL HE LOOMED ALMOST ABOVE MY KNEELING FORM]

It may have been that my cheeks paled, and when I spoke my voiceperchance quivered; but I trust that in all other respects my demeanourin that trying moment was calm, cool and collected. I meant to temporisewith these intruders--to soften their rough spirits by sweetness andgentleness of demeanour. 

"Good morning!" I said in an affable and friendly tone, bowing first toone and then to the other. "Is it not, on the whole, a pleasant morningafter the refreshing showers that have fallen?"

Instead of responding in kind to my placating overtures, the attitude ofthe whiskered man became more threatening than ever. He took severalsteps forward, holding his pitchfork before him, tines presented, untilhe loomed almost above my kneeling form; and he then hailed hisaccomplice, saying, as nearly as I recall his language:

"Come on, son! We've got him surrounded! He can't git away now! He's ourmeat!"

My heart now sank until it could sink no more. I was palpitant withapprehension, as who similarly placed would not have been? Their meat!The meaning of the sinister phrase was unmistakable. These must indeedbe maniacs of a most dangerous type!

"Young feller, " continued the elderly man, fixing his glaring eyes fullon me, "before we go any farther with this little job, would you mindtellin' me, jest for curiosity, whut you was doin' jest now down on thatthere sofa pillow?"

In this matter, at least, I could have no wish or intent to deceive him. 

"Sir, I was taking a swimming lesson, " I said with simple courtesy. 

"A which?" he said as though not hearing me aright. 

"A swimming lesson, " I repeated plainly, or as plainly as I couldconsidering my agitation and the fact that the cold in my head hadnoticeably thickened my utterance, making it well-nigh impossible for meto give the proper inflection to certain of the aspirates andpenultimates. 

"Oh, yes, " he said; "I see--a--a--swimming lesson. Well, that certainlyis a mighty cute idee. "

"I am glad you agree with me, " I said. "And now, my good fellows, if youhave any business of your own to attend to--elsewhere--I should be morethan pleased if you proceeded on your way and left me undisturbed. Ihave much to engage my mind at present, as you may have noted. "

"Oh, there ain't no hurry, " he said. "I figger we'll all be goin' awayfrom here purty soon. "

At this moment the son checked his advance and, stooping, raised aloftthe same earthenware vessel of which repeated mention has heretoforebeen made. 

"Here she is, all right, dad!" was his cryptic statement. "I guess wenever made no mistake in comin' here. "

The father then addressed me. 

"Mister, " he said, "mout I enquire where you got that there crock?"

"That, my good sir, " I informed him, "is not a crock. It is a MoundBuilder's relic, unearthed but yesterday in the forest primeval. "

"In the forest which?"

"The forest primeval, " I enunciated with all the distinctness of whichI was capable. 

"And whut, if anythin', have you been doin' with it beside anointin'them features of yourn in it?" Again it was the father who spoke. 

"It formerly contained wild strawberries, " I answered, "some of whichwere consumed for food, and the rest of which were carried away undercover of nightfall by a bear. "

He stared at me. 

"A bear?" he reiterated blankly. 

"Certainly, " I said; "undoubtedly a bear--I myself saw it. A large, darkbear. "

"And whut about this here?" he continued, now beholding for the firsttime the remaining woodcock, which hung from the limb of a low tree, andpointing toward it. "Is that there a Mound Builder's chicken?"

"Assuredly not, " I said. "That is a white woodcock. There was also ablack woodcock, presumably a mate of this one; but it--it has beendisposed of. The pair were slain yesterday with bow and arrow in theadjacent depths of the woodland, which is their customary habitat. "

You will note that I constantly refrained from mentioning my youthfulcompatriots. Did I dare reveal that I had companions, and by so doingexpose those helpless lads to the unbridled fury of these maniacalbeings, filled with the low cunning and insatiable curiosity of theinsane? No; a thousand times, no! Rather would I perish first. At allhazards I would protect them--such was my instantaneous determination. 

"I git you, " replied the bearded man, his tone and manner changingabruptly from the truculent and threatening to the soothing. "You wastakin' a private lesson in plain and fancy swimmin' on a pink sofacushion; and that there ancient and honourable milk crock was willed toyou by the Mound-buildin' Aztecs; and a big bear come in the night andet up your wild strawberries--which was a great pity, too, seein'they're worth thirty cents a quart right this minute on the New Yorkmarket; and you killed them two pedigreed Leghorn woodcocks with a bowand arrows in the forest--the forest whutever you jest now called it. Jest whut are you, anyway?"

"By profession I am a clergyman, " I answered. 

"And do all the members of your persuasion wear them little sailor suitsor is it confined to the preachers only?" he demanded. 

I gathered that this coarse reference applied to my attire. 

"This, " I told him, "is the uniform or garb of an organisation known asthe Young Nuts of America. I am the Chief Nut. "

"I can't take issue with you here, " he said with a raucous laugh. "Andnow, Chief, jest one thing more: Would you mind tellin' us whut your aimwas in holdin' your nose over that there brush fire a bit ago?"

"My head has been giving me some trouble, " I said. "I was curing myselfwith the aid of the smoke. "

"One minute a nut and the next minute a ham, " he murmured, half tohimself. Dropping his pitchfork, he stretched his hands toward me. "Is'pose, " he added, "it ain't no use to ask you when you got out?"

In a flash it came to me--I had often read that the victims of a certainform of mania imagined all others to be insane. My plain andstraightforward answers to his vague and rambling interrogations hadfailed of the desired effect. Being themselves mad, they thought me mad. It was a horrifying situation. 

I rose to my feet--I had been kneeling throughout this extraordinaryinterview--with a confused thought of eluding their clutches and fleeingfrom them. In imagination I already saw my murdered form hidden in thetrackless wilds. 

"No, you don't!" exclaimed the whiskered man, placing violent anddetaining hands on me. "That's all right, " he continued, as the sonclosed in on me: "I kin handle the little killdee by myself. . . . Now, sonny, " he went on, again directing himself to me as I struggled andwrithed, helpless in his grasp, "you come along with me!"

"Hold on!" called the son. "There's a lot of other stuff here--blanketsand truck. He's been makin' quite a collection. "

"Never mind, " bade his parent, roughly turning me about and from behindpropelling my resisting form violently forward. "I reckin they was giftsfrom the Mound Builders, too. We'll come back later on and sort out theplunder. "

As I was shoved along I endeavoured to explain. I exclaimed; I criedout; I entreated them to stop and to hearken. My pleadings were of noavail and, I am constrained to believe, would have been of no avail evenhad not distress and agitation rendered me to an extent incoherent. Myabductors only urged me onward through the woods at great speed. 

"Gee! Hear him rave, dad!" I heard the son pant from behind me. 

Merciful Providence! Now their warped and perverted mentalitiestranslated my speech into ravings!

Almost immediately, as it seemed to me, we emerged from the forest intoa ploughed field; and but a short distance away I beheld a humandomicile--in short, a farmhouse. Filled with sudden relief when Irealised that a civilised habitation stood in such hitherto unsuspectedproximity to our late camping place, and instantly possessed with agreat and uncontrollable craving to reach this haven of refuge and claimthe protection of its inhabitants, I wrested myself free from thebearded man with one mighty effort, leaving my flowing collar in hishands, and at top speed set off across the field, crying out as I ran:"Help! Help! Succour! Assistance!" or words to that effect. 

My flight continued but a few yards. I was overtaken and felled to theearth, my captors thereupon taking steps to effectually restrain me inthe free exercise of my limbs and bodily movements. This being one ofthe most acutely distressing features of the entire experience I shallforego further details, merely stating that they used a rope. 

It was at this juncture that the powers of connected thought and lucidspeech deserted me. I retain an indistinct recollection of being bornebodily into a farm dwelling, of being confronted by a gaunt female who, disregarding my frantic efforts to explain all, persisted in listeningonly to the rambling accounts of my abductors, and who, on hearing fromthem their confused version of what had transpired, retreated to adistance and refused to venture nearer until my bonds had beenreinforced with a strap. 

Following this I recall vaguely being given to drink of a glasscontaining milk--milk of a most peculiar odour and pungent taste. Plainly this milk had been drugged; for though in my then state of mindI was already bordering on delirium, yet an instant after swallowing thedraught my faculties were miraculously restored to me. I spokerationally--indeed, convincingly; but, owing to an unaccountableswelling of my tongue, due no doubt to the effects of the drug, myremarks to the biased ears of those about me must have soundedinarticulate, not to say incoherent. However, I persisted in my effortsto be understood until dizziness and a great languor overcame meentirely. 

A blank ensued--I must have swooned. 

I shall now draw this painful narrative to a close, dismissing withmerely a few lines those facts that in a garbled form have alreadyreached the public eye through the medium of a ribald and disrespectfulpress--how my youthful companions, returning betimes to our campingplace and finding me gone, and finding also abundant signs of adesperate struggle, hastened straightway to return home by the firsttrain to spread the tidings that I had been kidnapped; how search was atonce instituted; how, late that same evening, after running down variousvain clues, my superior, the Reverend Doctor Tubley, arrived atHatchersville aboard a special train, accompanied by a volunteer posseof his parishioners and other citizens and rescued me, semi-deliriousand still fettered, as my captors were on the point of removing me, aclose prisoner, to the Branch State Asylum for the Insane at Pottsburg, twenty miles distant, in the deluded expectation of securing a rewardfor my apprehension; of how explanations were vouchsafed, showing thatwhile I, with utter justification, had regarded them as lunatics, they, in their ignorance and folly, had, on the other hand, regarded me asbeing mentally afflicted; and how finally, being removed by carefulhands to my place of residence, I remained a constant invalid, in greatmental and bodily distress, for a period of above a fortnight. 

As is well known, my first act on being restored to health was to resignthe assistant rectorship of St. Barnabas'. And having meantime beenoffered the chair of history and astronomy at Fernbridge Seminary forYoung Ladies at Lover's Leap in the State of New Jersey I have acceptedand am departing on the morrow for my new post, trusting, in the classicshades and congenial atmosphere of that well-established academy oflearning, to forget the unhappy memories now indissolubly associated inmy mind with the first and last camping expedition of the Young Nuts ofAmerica. 

I close with an added word of gratitude and affection for those fivegallant lads, Masters Horrigan, Pope, Ferguson, E. Smith and H. Smith--but particularly Master Pope, to whom I feel I indeed owe much. 

 (Signed) Very respectfully, ROSCOE TITMARSH FIBBLE, D. D. 

_PART TWO_

_Being an Open Letter Addressed by Dr. Fibble to One Sitting in a HighPlace. _

_Elsewhere in France_

 _To His Excellency the Honourable Woodrow Wilson, President of the United States of America, White House, Washington, D. C. , U. S. A. _

RESPECTED SIR: Ever since my return from the zone of hostilities it hasbeen my constant and abiding intention to take pen in hand for thepurpose of acquainting Your Excellency with the facts concerning theharassing experiences undergone by the undersigned before, during andimmediately subsequent to the outbreak of war on the other, or Eastern, hemisphere of this world. As you will observe, I now do so. 

Until this time I have been deterred from setting forth my complaint bya variety of good and sufficient reasons, which I enumerate:

Firstly--To me it appeared inevitable that this open letter, on itsreaching your hands, would result in a breach between Your Excellencyand your late Secretary of State, Mr. William Jennings Bryan. Ipurposely refrained, therefore, from approaching you on the subjectwhile he remained a member of your official family. In this connection Imay state that I would be the last to hamper and embarrass the NationalAdministration. I feel the force of this remark will be all the moredeeply appreciated when I tell you that, though never actively concernedin politics, I have invariably voted the Republican ticket on each andevery occasion when the fact that election day had arrived was directedto my attention. 

Secondly--Through similar motives of consideration I studiouslyrefrained from bringing this recital of events before you during yourcorrespondence with a certain foreign Power--to wit, Germany--touchingon the course and conduct of hostilities on the high seas. With myselfI frequently reasoned, saying, in substance, this: "Who am I that Ishould intrude my own grievances, considerable though they may be, onour President at this crucial hour when he is harassed by issues of evengreater moment? In the unsettled and feverish state of the public mind, who can foretell what new complications may ensue should I thrust my ownaffairs forward? Shall I do this? No, no; a thousand times no! I shallrestrain myself. I shall stay my hand. I shall wait. " You willunderstand that I did not go so far as audibly to utter thesesentiments. I merely thought them. 

Thirdly--No little difficulty has been experienced in ascertaining theexact whereabouts of my chief fellow sufferer and co-witness; also inferreting out the identities of the principal offenders against us. Inthese matters I am able to report progress, but not entirelysatisfactory results. Zeno the Great, it would appear, is a person ofunsettled habitation, being found now here, now there, now elsewhere. Atlast accounts he was connected with a travelling aggregation known asDe Garmo Brothers' Ten-Million-Dollar Railroad Show; but since thatorganisation fell into the hands of the sheriff at Red Oak Junction, Iowa, I have been unsuccessful in tracing his movements. Nor can I atthis time furnish you with the names and exact addresses of the beardedruffian in the long blue blouse, the porter of the hotel, the warder ofthe dungeons, or the others implicated in those culminating outrages ofwhich I was the innocent victim. Repeatedly have I written the mayor ofthe town of Abbevilliers, to the general commanding the French militaryforces, and to the President of the Republic of France, demanding thedesired information; but--believe it or not, Mister President--to date Ihave had not a single word in reply. 

Accordingly, until this moment, I have contained myself with all duerestraint; but feeling, as I do feel, that patience has finally ceasedto be a virtue, I am now constrained to address you in the first personsingular, being further emboldened by the reflection that already a bondof sympathy and understanding exists between us, you for years havingbeen connected with one of our largest educational institutions andfonts of learning, namely, Princeton, New Jersey, while I for someeighteen months have occupied the chair of astronomy and ancient andmodern history at Fernbridge Seminary for Young Ladies, an institutionthat in all modesty I may say is also well and favourably known. 

If you find opportunity in the press of your undoubtedly extensive andexacting duties for occasional perusal of the lay-press I think it butfair to assume that you are more or less familiar with the causes whichactuated me in resigning my place as assistant rector of the parish ofSt. Barnabas' at Springhaven and accepting the position which I nowoccupy. 

I regret to inform you that a number of newspaper editors in a mood ofmistaken and ill-advised jocularity saw fit at the time to comment uponwhat was to me a serious and most painful memory. However, I mentionthis circumstance only in passing, preferring by my dignified silence torelegate the authors of these screeds to the obscurity which theirattitude so richly merits. Suffice it to state that having left SaintBarnabas', within the short scope of one week thereafter I assumed theduties which I have since continued to discharge to the best of mytalents, finding in the refined, the cultured and the peaceful precinctsof Fernbridge Seminary for Young Ladies that soothing restfulness ofatmosphere which is so essential to one of my temperament. 

In such employment I busied myself, giving my days to the classroom andmy evenings to the congenial company of the Victorian poets and to mybotanical collection, until the summer solstice of 1914 impended, when, in an unthinking moment, I was moved by attractive considerations toaccept the post of travelling companion, guide and mentor to a group ofeight of our young lady seniors desirous of rounding out theiracquaintance with the classics, languages, arts and history of the OldenWorld by a short tour on an adjacent continent. I need hardly add thatI refer to the continent of Europe. 

Having long cherished a secret longing to visit foreign parts, I themore gladly entertained the suggestion when our principal, MissWaddleton, broached it to me. As outlined by Miss Waddleton, theprospect at first blush seemed an inviting one--one might even ventureso far as to call it an alluring one. All my actual travelling expenseswere to be paid; the itinerary would be pursued in accordance with aplan previously laid out, and finally, I was to have for my aide, for mychief of staff as it were, Miss Charlotte Primleigh, a member of ourfaculty of long standing and a lady in whom firmness of character isagreeably united with indubitable qualities of the mind, particularly inthe fields of algebra, geometry and trigonometry. Miss Primleigh is ourmathematics teacher. 

Though gratified and flattered by the trust imposed in me, and welcomingthe opportunity for helpful service in a new and as yet untried realm, I, nevertheless, strove to comply with such conventionalities as areordained by organised society. Indeed, I trust that a fitting and propersense of propriety is never entirely banished from my mind at any timewhatsoever. 

To Miss Waddleton I said:

"But, my dear lady, I pray you, have thought for these cardinalpoints--I myself am unmarried; Miss Primleigh is herself unmarried; theyoung lady students contemplating embarkation on this expedition areeach and every one of them unmarried also. In view of these facts--whichare incontrovertible and not to be gainsaid--do you deem it entirelyproper that I, a member of the opposite sex, should be suffered toaccompany them throughout the course of their sojourn on alien shores, far, far from home and the restraining influences of the home circle?"

"I shouldn't worry myself about that part of it if I were you, DoctorFibble, " replied Miss Waddleton in the direct and forcible manner sotypical of her. "There isn't a father alive who would hesitate aboutletting his daughter travel in your company if he had ever met you--oreven if he had ever seen you. "

I cite this rejoinder as added proof of the confidence with which I amregarded by one well qualified through daily association and frequentobservation to know the true merits of my character and disposition. 

Touched no little by such an expression of sentiment from the lips ofMiss Waddleton, I promptly accepted the obligation without further demurand at once set about my needful preparations for the voyage. Soengrossed was I with these matters that almost at once, it seemed to me, the date of sailing was at hand. 

Accompanied by my travelling belongings, I repaired by train to NewYork, Miss Primleigh following a few hours later with our charges. Itwas agreed that we should meet upon the dock at ten of the clock on thefollowing forenoon, the hour of sailing being eleven, upon the good ship_Dolly Madison_, and the destination Liverpool, England. Such of thestudent-group as resided within easy distance of the port of departureexpected members of their several families and possibly friends as wellwould be present to wish them the customary _bon voyage_. As for me, Iwas quite alone, having no closer relative than a great-aunt of advancedyears residing in the city of Hartford, Connecticut, who, being debarredby articular rheumatism and other infirmities to which all flesh isheir, from coming in person to bid her beloved nephew adieu, sent me byparcels post a farewell present consisting of a pair of embroideredbedroom slippers, pink in colour, with a design of moss roses done ingreen and yellow upon the respective toes, all being her own handiwork. 

I come now to the actual leave-taking from this, our native clime. Filled with a pleasurable fluttering sensation engendered doubtlessly bythe novelty of the impending undertaking and at the same time beset by anervous apprehension lest I fail to embark in proper season, due eitherto an unexpected change in the hour of sailing or perchance to someunforeseen delay encountered in transit from my hotel to the waterfront, and pestered finally by a haunting dread lest the cabman confusethe address in his own mind and deposit me at the wrong pier, therebeing many piers in New York and all of such similarity of outwardappearance, I must confess that I slept but poorly the night. Betimes, upon the morn of the all-momentous day I arose, and with some difficultymastering an inclination toward tremors, I performed the customaryablutions. Then after a brief and hurried breakfast--in fact a breakfastso hurried as to occasion a subsequent touch of dyspepsia--I engaged ataxicab with the aid of a minor member of the hotel menage, known as theporter. 

Upon this menial, who impressed me as being both kindly and obligingalbeit somewhat officious, I pressed a coin of the denomination of fivecents. I believe it must have been the manner of bestowal whichimpressed him rather than the size of the _pourboire_ itself, for heexamined it with lively marks of interest and appreciation and then toldme, with rather a waggish air, I thought, that he did not intend tofritter it away upon riotous living but would take it home and show itto his little ones. To which I responded in all seriousness that I wasglad he did not contemplate expending it upon strong drink, such as grogor rum. As though instantly sobered by my tone, he promised me thatwhatever be the purpose to which he might ultimately devote it, he wouldnever use my gift for the purchasing of ardent spirits. I do notundertake here to reproduce his exact phraseology but only the sense ofwhat he sought to convey to my understanding. 

So saying, we parted. Snugly ensconced in my taxicab, being entirelysurrounded and in part quite covered up or obscured from the casual gazeby my many articles of luggage, I proceeded to the pier, meanwhilesubconsciously marvelling at the multitudinous life and activitydisplayed upon the thoroughfares of our national metropolis at even soearly an hour as seven-forty-five to eight-fifteen A. M. In numbersamounting to a vast multitude the dwellers of this great beehive ofindustry were already abroad, moving hither and yon, intent each oneupon his or her affairs, as the case might be. Especially was Iimpressed by the engrossed faces and the hurried bodily movements of thecomponent atoms of the throng as viewed through the handles of my smallblack leather valise, which with other impedimenta I held upon my knees, balancing it so that the leather loops were practically upon a levelwith my range of vision. 

To me, humanity in the mass has ever presented a most absorbing studynotwithstanding that almost invariably I find myself in a flurried, notto say confused, state of mind upon being thrust physically into thecrowded throng. However, affairs of a more pressing and a more personalnature as well soon claimed me. Upon reaching the appointed destination, my attention was directed to the fact that the metre-device attached tothe taxicab registered no less a total than two dollars and seventy-fivecents. 

A search of my patent coin purse revealed that I did not have about methe exact amount requisite to discharge this obligation. Accordingly Ihanded the driver a ten-dollar national bank note. Immediately hewheeled his equipage about and drove rapidly away, promising to returnwith all speed and diligence so soon as he had succeeded in changing thebill. For some time I waited in one of the doorways of the pier, but hedid not return. So far as I have been able to ascertain, he has neverreturned; this assertion is based upon my best knowledge and belief. Iam therefore constrained to believe the unfortunate young man--forindeed he was but little more than a youth in years--met with someserious bodily hurt while intent upon this mission. Nor do I hold myselfentirely blameless for this, since had I but bethought me to stock mypurse with a suitable amount of small silver, he might have escaped theinjury that doubtlessly befell him in the press of wagons, wains, vansand motor-drawn vehicles into which he so impetuously darted. Regardinghis probable fate I have many times pondered, giving myself no littleconcern. 

My position as I lingered at the entrance to the pier was not free frompetty discomforts and annoyances. I was torn between two inclinations:one to secure the seven dollars and twenty-five cents yet due me, andthe other to be safely embarked in the event that the vagaries of thetide or other actuating causes should prompt the steamer's master todepart in advance of the scheduled time without due notice to the publicat large; for this fear of being left behind which had first foundlodgment in my thoughts the evening previous still persisted withoutcessation or abatement. 

Indeed, the near proximity of the steamer itself, the apparent air ofbustle and haste displayed everywhere in the vicinity, the hoarse criesbetokening haste and perplexity which arose upon all sides, had theeffect of heightening rather than diminishing my apprehensions. Moreover, persons drawn from all walks of life were constantly cominginto abrupt and violent contact with me as they passed into the piercarrying objects of varying bulk and shape. Others, with almost equalfrequency, stumbled over my hand-luggage which I had taken pains todispose about me in neatly piled array. To top all, I was repeatedlyapproached by unkempt individuals offering their services intransporting my portable equipment aboard ship. I found it quiteabsolutely necessary to maintain a vigilant guard against theirimportunities, one elderly person of a very unprepossessing exterioraspect even going so far as to lay hands upon the black leather valise, thus requiring me to engage in a decidedly unseemly struggle with himfor its possession. I believe I may safely assert that I am not of anunduly suspicious nature but assuredly the appearance of this man andhis fellows was such as to create doubt as to the honesty of theirultimate motives. What between turning this way to wave off aparticularly persistent applicant and turning that way again to beg thepardon of strangers who found themselves in actual collision with me andmy belongings, I was rendered quite dizzy, besides sustaining severalpainful bruises upon the nether limbs. 

At length I felt I could no longer endure the strain; already my nervesseemed stretched to the breaking point. After some minutes, I succeeded, by dint of spoken appeals and gestures, in engaging the ear of a policeofficer who appeared to be on duty at a point nearby. To him I gave myname and calling, and furnished him also with a personal description ofthe strangely missing taxicab driver, charging him, the police officer, to bid the driver to seek me out in my quarters aboard ship when he, thedriver, should reappear with my change. 

This matter disposed of, I gathered up my luggage as best I could andladen like unto a veritable beast of burden wended my way adown theinterior of the long, barn-like structure, pausing at intervals, more orless annoying in their frequency, to re-collect and readjust certainsmall parcels which persistently slipped from beneath my arms or out ofmy fingers. The weather being warm, I was presently aglow and in factquite moistly suffused with particles of perspiration. 

All was noise and excitement. So great was the confusion, sodisconcerting the uproar about me, that I preserve but an indistinctrecollection of my chance meeting with Miss Primleigh and our jointcharges, whom I encountered en masse at a point approximately, I shouldjudge, midway of the pier. As it developed, they had entered by anotherdoor, thus escaping my notice. I remember pausing to ask whether any ofthem had seen and recognised my steamer trunk which on the night beforeI had reluctantly entrusted to the custody of a licensed transfer agencyand regarding which I felt some excusable misgivings. It seemed thatnone had seen it; so leaving the young ladies in Miss Primleigh's care, I resumed my difficult and hampered journey in the general direction ofthe so-called gangway. 

Here persons in fustian who claimed to be connected with the steamshipline in a pseudo-official capacity sought to relieve me of a part of mybaggage, but despite all such assurances of good faith I declined theirproffered aid. For how many travellers--thus I inwardly reasoned--howmany travellers in times past have been deceived by specious impostorsto their own undoing? Ah, who with any degree of accuracy can actuallysay how many? Certainly, though, a very great number. I for one meant tohazard no single chance. Politely yet firmly I requested these personsto be off. Then, heavily encumbered as I was, I ascended unassisted upthe steep incline of a canvas-walled stage-plank extending from the pierto an opening opportunely placed in the lofty side of the good ship_Dolly Madison_. 

Once aboard, I exhaled a deep sigh of relief. At last I felt her staunchtimbers beneath my feet. She could not depart without me. But mytroubles were not yet at an end--far from it. For I must find mystateroom and deposit therein my possessions and this was to prove amatter indeed vexatious. Upon the steamship proper, the crush ofprospective travellers, of their friends and relatives and of others whopresumably had been drawn by mere curiosity, was terrific. I, a beinggrown to man's full stature, was jammed forcibly against a balustrade orrailing and for some moments remained an unwilling prisoner there, beingunable to extricate myself from the press or even to behold mysurroundings with distinctness by reason of having my face andparticularly my nose forced into the folds of a steamer rug which withdivers other objects I held clutched to my breast. When at length afterbeing well-nigh suffocated, I was able to use my eyes, I discernedpersons flitting to and fro in the multitude, wearing a garb whichstamped them as officers, or, at least, as members of the crew. Afterseveral vain attempts, I succeeded in detaining one of these personsmomentarily. To him I put a question regarding the whereabouts of mystateroom, giving him, as I supposed, its proper number. He replied inthe briefest manner possible and instantly vanished. 

Endeavouring to follow his directions, I wedged my way as gently as Imight through a doorway into a corridor or hall-space which proved to bealmost as crowded as the deck had been, and being all the while jostledand buffeted about, I descended by staircases deep into the entrails ofthis mighty craft where in narrow passageways I wandered aboutinterminably, now stumbling over some inanimate object, now forciblyencountering some living obstacle such as another bewildered shipmate orstewardess. To be upon the safe side, I made a point of murmuring, "Ibeg your pardon, " at the moment of each collision and then proceedingonward. It seemed to me that hours had passed, although I presume thepassage of time was really of much shorter duration than that, before Icame opposite a stateroom door bearing upon its panels the sign _C-34_. 

Much to my joy the key was in the lock, as I ascertained by feeling, andthe door itself stood ajar slightly. Without further ado I pushed intothe narrow confines of the room, but even as I crossed the threshold washalted by a voice, speaking in thickened accents. By elevating my headand stretching my neck to its uttermost length, my chin meanwhileresting upon the top tier or layer of my belongings, I was able toperceive the form of a large male, in a recumbent attitude upon a berthwith his face turned from me. 

"All ri', " came the voice, which seemed to be muffled in the pillows, "all ri', steward, set 'em down anywhere!"

"Sit what down?" I enquired, at a loss to grasp his meaning. 

"Why, the drinks, of course, " quoth the other. 

At the risk of dropping some of my luggage, I drew myself up to my fullheight. 

"Sir, " I said, "I do not drink--I have never touched strong drink in allmy life. "

"Is it pozz'ble?" said this person (I endeavour for the sake of accuracyto reproduce his exact phrasing). "Why, what've you been doin' with yourspare time all thesh years?"

He raised a face, red and swollen, and peered at me in seemingastonishment. I now apprehended that he was a victim of over-indulgence. So intensely was I shocked that I could but stare back at him, withoutspeaking. 

"Well, " he continued, "it's never too late to learn--that's onecon--conso--consolach----" Plainly the word he strove to utter was thenoun _consolation_. 

In a flash it came to me that be the consequences what they might, Icould not endure to share the cribbed and cabined quarters providedaboard ship with a person of such habits and such trend of thought asthis person so patently betrayed. Nor was it necessary. For, having quithis presence without further parley, I deposited a part of my burden ina nearby cross-hall and examined my ticket. By so doing I re-establisheda fact which in the stress of the prevalent excitement had escaped myattention and this was that the stateroom to which I had been assignedwas not _C-34_, but _B-34_. 

If this were C-deck, the deck immediately above must perforce be B-deck?Thus I reasoned, and thus was I correct, as speedily transpired. Pausingonly to gather up my effects and to make my excuses to sundry impatientand grumbling voyagers who had packed themselves in the cross-hallbeyond, while I was consulting my ticket, I journeyed upward to B-deck. Upon coming to No. 34, and again finding the key in the door and thedoor unlatched, I entered as before. 

[Illustration: "I, " SHE SAID "AM MAJOR JONES"]

This time it was a female voice which brought me to an instantaneousstandstill. For the instant I could not see the owner of the voice--thepreviously-mentioned steamer rug being in the way--but the challengeconveyed by her tone was unmistakable. 

"Who are you and what do you want?" Thus was I addressed. 

Before replying, I sought to comply with the conventionalities of theoccasion by doffing my hat. The difficulties of removing a hat with ahand which holds at the moment an umbrella and a small portmanteau canonly be appreciated by one who has attempted the experiment. Isucceeded, it is true, in baring my head, but knocked off my glasses andprecipitated my steamer rug and a package of books to the floor, wheremy hat had already fallen. Lacking the aid of my glasses, my vision isdefective, but I was able to make out the form of a lady of matureyears, and plainly habited, who confronted me at a distance of but apace or two. 

"Pray forgive me, " I said hastily, "pray forgive me, Madam. I was underthe impression that this was stateroom B-34. "

"It is, " she answered in a manner which but served to increase myperturbation. "What of it?"

"Nothing, " I said, "nothing--except that there must be some mistake. Iwas given to understand that I was to occupy B-34, sharing it with aMajor Jones, a military gentleman, I assume. "

"I, " she said, "am Major Jones. "

To a statement so astounding I could only respond by confusedly saying, "Oh, Madam! Oh, Madam!"

"Major Maggie J. Jones, of the Salvation Army, " she continued. "ProbablyI made the original mistake by not letting the steamship people knowthat a Major may be a woman. "

"Madam, " I said, "I beseech you to remain calm and make no outcry. Ishall at once withdraw. "

This I accordingly did, she obligingly passing out to me through a slitin the door my hat, my glasses, my steamer rug, my packages of books andone or two other articles of my outfit. My mind was in a whirl; for thetime I was utterly unable to collect my thoughts. Making a mound of myluggage in a convenient open space, I sat myself down upon the perch orseat thus improvised to await a period when the excitement aboard hadperceptibly lessened before seeking out the captain and requesting areadjustment in regard to my accommodations on his ship. It was due tothis delay that I failed to witness the drawing-out of the ship intomidstream and also missed seeing any of the party entrusted to my careuntil after we had passed the Statue of Liberty upon our way to the opensea. Eventually, by dint of zealous enquiry, I ascertained that thepurser was the person charged with the assignment of berths andstaterooms. Upon my finding him and explaining the situation in languagecouched in all possible delicacy, he made suitable apologies and Ipresently found myself established in a stateroom which had no otheroccupant. 

I shall dismiss the early part of the journey with a brief line. Forthree days the weather continued pleasant, the surface of the oceanplacid and the voyage without any incident of more than passing moment. Upon the third evening a ship's concert was given. On being approachedthat day after luncheon by the purser, who had assumed charge of theplans, I readily consented to assist in adding to the pleasure of theentertainment, especially since the proceeds, as he assured me, were tobe devoted to a most worthy and laudable cause. I told him I wouldfavour the company with a display of my elocutionary abilities, butpurposely withheld the title of the selection which I meant to recite, meaning at the proper time to surprise my hearers. 

During the course of the afternoon the breeze freshened perceptibly, asevidenced by a slight rolling movement of the ship. As I was fresheningmy garb shortly before the dining hour I experienced a slight sensationas of dizziness, coupled with a pressure across the forehead, butattributed this to nothing more serious than a passing touch ofindigestion, to which I am occasionally subject. Besides, I had beenirritated no little upon discovering that in printing the programme ofevents the typesetter was guilty of a typographical error as a resultof which my name was set down as Dr. Fiddle. A trifle, it is true, butan annoying one. When I permit myself to be annoyed a slight headachealmost invariably ensues. 

The concert began at the appointed hour. When the chairman announced me, I advanced to the place reserved for those taking part and faced anexpectant and smiling assemblage. It was my intention to deliver thewell known address of Spartacus to the Gladiators. From the bestinformation on the subject we glean that Spartacus was in figure tall, with a voice appreciably deep. I am not tall, nor burly, although ofsuitable height for my breadth of frame. Nor can I, without vocalstrain, attain the rumbling bass tones so favoured by manyelocutionists. But I have been led to believe that a sonorousness ofdelivery and a nice use of gesticulation and modulation compensate in mefor a lack of bulk, creating as it were an illusion of physicalimpressiveness, of brawn, of thew and sinew. I bowed to the chairman, and to the assemblage, cleared my throat and began. 

You will recall, Mr. President, the dramatic opening phrase of thisrecitation: "Ye call me chief and ye do well to call me chief. " I hadreached the words, "and ye do well to call me chief----" when I becameaware of a startling manifestation upon the part of the flooring beneathmy feet. It was as though the solid planks heaved amain, causing thecarpeting to rise and fall in billows. I do not mean that thisphenomenon really occurred but only that it seemed to occur. I paused tocollect myself and began afresh, but now I progressed no further than, "Ye call me chief----"

At this precise juncture I realised that I was rapidly becoming acutelyunwell. I could actually feel myself turning pale. I endeavoured toutter a hurried word or two of explanation, but so swift was theprogress of my indisposition that already I found myself bereft of thepowers of sustained and coherent speech. I reeled where I stood. A greatand o'ermastering desire came upon me to go far away from there, to beentirely alone, to have solitude, to cease for a time to look upon anyhuman face. Pressing the hem of a handkerchief to my lips, I turned andblindly fled. Outside upon the deserted deck I was met by a steward whoministered to me until such a time as I was able to leave the rail andwith his help to drag my exhausted frame to the privacy of my stateroomwhere I remained in a state of semi-collapse, and quite supine, for thegreater part of the ensuing forty-eight hours. 

I did not feel myself to be entirely myself until we entered St. George's Channel. We were well within sight of land, the land in thisinstance being the shore of Albion, before I deemed it wise andexpedient to leave my couch and venture into the open air. Once there, however, I experienced a speedy recovery from the malady that had sonearly undone me and I may safely affirm that none in all the companyaboard that great floating caravansary evinced a blither spirit than theundersigned at the moment of debarking upon terra firma. 

At the risk of perhaps boring Your Excellency, I have been thus explicitin detailing these episodes in our easterly voyage, but if you havepatiently borne with me thus far, I feel assured that ere now yourtrained mind has divined my purport. For throughout these pages myconstant intent has been to give you an insight into my true self, tothe end that hereafter you may the more readily understand my motivesand my actions when unforeseen contingencies arose and disasterimpended. In any event, I would set you right upon one point. It isundeniably true that among some of my fellow passengers a scandalousreport obtained circulation to the effect that upon the day of sailing Ihad forced my way into the stateroom of a strange female and was by thatfemale forcibly expelled from her presence. I beseech you, Mr. President, to give no credence to this scandalous perversion of thetruth should it by chance reach your ear. I have here detailed the exactcircumstances with regard to the meeting with Major Maggie J. Jones ofthe Salvation Army, withholding nothing, explaining everything. 

After this brief digression, I shall now proceed to deal briefly withthe continuation of our journey. Soon we had complied with the triflingregularities incident to our passage through the Plymouth CustomsOffice; soon, ensconced aboard a well-appointed railway carriage, wewere traversing the peaceful English landscape, bound at a high rate ofspeed for the great city of London; and soon did I find myselfdeveloping a warm admiration for various traits of the British characteras disclosed to me during our first hours on the soil of the BritishEmpire. The docility of the serving classes as everywhere encountered, the civility of the lesser officials, the orderly and well-kempt aspectof the countryside, the excellence of the steaming hot tea served enroute on His Majesty's railroad trains--all these impressed me deeply;and especially the last named. A proneness to overindulgence in theagreeably soothing decoction produced by an infusion of tea leaves is, Iconfess, my chief besetting vice. 

As I look back on it all with the eye of fond retrospection, andcontrast it with the horrifying situation into which we, all unwittinglyand all unsuspectingly, were so shortly to be plunged, our sojourn inEngland is to me as a fleeting, happy dream. 

Within the vast recesses of Westminster Abbey I lost myself. Thisstatement is literal as well as figurative; for, having become separatedfrom the others, I did indeed remain adrift in a maze of galleries forupward of an hour. At the Tower of London I gave way for a space ofhours to audible musings on the historic scenes enacted on thatmost-storied spot. In contemplation of the architectural glories of St. Paul's, I became so engrossed that naught, I am convinced, save thetimely intervention of a uniformed constable, who put forth his hand andplucked me out of the path of danger in the middle of the road where Ihad involuntarily halted, saved me from being precipitated beneath thewheels of a passing omnibus. As for my emotions when I paused at thegraveside of William Shakspere--ah, sir, a more gifted pen than minewere required to describe my sensations at this hallowed moment. 

Constantly I strove to impress on our eight young-lady seniors thetremendous value, for future conversational purposes, of the sights, the associations and the memories with which we were now thrown in suchintimate contact. At every opportunity I directed their attention tothis or that object of interest, pointing out to them that since theirindulgent parents or guardians, as the case might be, had seen fit toafford them this opportunity for enriching their minds and increasingtheir funds of information, it should be alike their duty and theirprivilege to study, to speculate, to ponder, to reflect, to contemplate, to amass knowledge, to look, to see, to think. Yet, inconceivable thoughit may appear, I discerned in the majority of them, after the first fewdays, a growing inclination to shirk the intellectual obligations of thehour for things of infinitely lesser moment. 

Despite my frequent admonitions and my gentle chidings, shops andtheatres engrossed them substantially to the exclusion of all else. Mysuggestion that our first evening in London should be spent in suitablereadings of English history in order to prepare our minds for theimpressions of the morrow was voted down, practically unanimously. 

One entire afternoon, which I had intended should be devoted to theNational Art Gallery, was wasted--I use the word _wasted_deliberately--in idle and purposeless contemplation of the show windowsin a retail merchandising resort known as the Burlington Arcade. Towardthe close of our ever memorable day at Stratford-upon-Avon, as I wasdiscoursing at length on the life and works of the Immortal Bard, I wasshocked to hear Miss Henrietta Marble, of Rising Sun, Indiana, remark, _sotto voce_, that she, for one, had had about enough of Bardie--I quoteher exact language--and wished to enquire if the rest did not think itwas nearly time to go somewhere and buy a few souvenirs. 

So the days flitted by one by one, as is their wont; and all too soon, for me, the date appointed for our departure to the Continent drew nigh. It came; we journeyed to Paris, the chief city of the French. 

Upon the eve of our departure Miss Primleigh fell ill, so since the tourwas circumscribed as to time, our four weeks' itinerary upon theContinent including France, Germany, Holland, Belgium, Austria andItaly, it became necessary to leave her behind us temporarily while wecontinued our travels. Impressed with an added sense of responsibility, since I now had eight young ladies under my sole tutelage, I crossed theChannel with them on the following day and at eventide we foundourselves in no less a place than the French capital. 

In Paris, as in London, my heart, my hands and my brain were mostconstantly occupied by my obligations to my charges, who, despite alladmonitions to the contrary, continued, one regrets to say, to exhibitan indifference toward those inspiring and uplifting pursuits to which atour of this sort should be entirely devoted. For example, I recall thaton a certain day--the third day, I think, of our sojourn in Paris, orpossibly it might have been the fourth--I was escorting them through theart galleries of that famous structure, the Louvre. 

At the outset we had had with us a courier specially engaged for theoccasion; but, detecting in him an inclination to slur importantdetails in relation to the lives and works of the Old Masters whosehandicraft greeted us murally on every side, I soon dispensed with hisservices and took over his task. Whereas he had been content to dismissthis or that artist with but a perfunctory line, I preferred to givedates, data and all important facts. 

I had moved with the young ladies through several galleries, nowconsulting the guidebook, which I carried in my right hand, now pointingwith my left to this or that conspicuous example of the genius of aRubens, a Rembrandt or a Titian, and, I presume, had been thus engagedfor the better part of two hours, when a sudden subconscious instinctsubtly warned me that I was alone. Astonished, I spun on my heel. Myyouthful companions were no longer with me. Five minutes before they hadbeen at my skirts; of that I was sure; in fact, it seemed but a fewmoments since I had heard the prattle of their voices, yet now the wholetrain had vanished, as it were, into thin air, leaving no trace behindthem. 

I shall not deny that I was alarmed. I hurried this way and that, seeking them--even calling their names aloud. All was in vain. Myagitated and rapid movements but served to attract the attention of aconsiderable number of idlers of various nationalities, many of whompersistently followed me about until a functionary in uniforminterfered, thus bringing my search to an end for the time being. Whether my helpless charges, deprived now of the guiding hand and brainof a responsible and vigilant protector, were yet wandering about, without leadership, without guardianship, in the complex and mystifyingramifications of that vast pile, or, worse still, were lost in the greatcity, I had no way of knowing. I could but fear the worst. My brainbecame a prey to increasing dread. 

In great distress of spirit, I hurried from the edifice and set outafoot for our hotel, meaning on my arrival there to enlist the aid ofthe proprietor in notifying the police department and inaugurating ageneral search for those poor young ladies through the proper channels. However, owing to a striking similarity in the appearance of the variousstreets of the town, I myself became slightly confused. I must havewandered on and on for miles. The shades of night were falling when atlast, footsore, despondent and exhausted, I reached my goal. 

To my inexpressible relief, I found all eight gathered at the hoteldining table, discussing the various viands provided for theirdelectation, and chattering as gaily as though nothing untoward hadoccurred. I came to a halt in the doorway, panting. Explanationsfollowed. It would appear that, having been seized with a simultaneousdesire to visit a near-by glove shop, which some among them had noted inpassing at the moment of our entry into the Louvre, they had returned toexamine and purchase of its wares; and so great was their haste, soimpetuous their decision that, one and all, they had neglected to informme of their purpose, each vowing she thought the others had addressedme on the subject and obtained my consent. 

Think of it, Mister President, I ask you! Here were eight rationalbeings, all standing at the threshold of life, all at a mostimpressionable age, who valued the chance to acquire such minor andinconsequential chattels as kid gloves above a period of pleasurableinstruction in a magnificent treasure trove of the Old Masters. In mythen spent condition the admission, so frankly vouchsafed, left mewell-nigh speechless. I could only murmur: "Young ladies, you pain me, you grieve me, you hurt me, you astound me! But you are so young, and Iforgive you. " I then withdrew to my own apartment and rang for anattendant to bring a basin of hot water in which I might lave myblistered pedal extremities. Later, arnica was also required. 

The following day, on returning from a small errand in theneighbourhood, as I entered the _rue_ or street on which our hostelfronted I was startled out of all composure to behold Miss Flora Canbee, of Louisville, Kentucky, and Miss Hilda Slicker, of Seattle, Washington, in animated conversation with two young men, one of whom wastall and dark and the other slight and fair, but both apparelled in thehabiliments peculiar to officers in the French Army. 

For a moment I could scarcely believe my eyes. I think I paused toreadjust the glasses I wear, fearing my trusty lenses might have playedme false; but it was true. As I hurriedly advanced, with amazement anddispleasure writ large on my countenance, Miss Canbee proceeded todisarm my mounting suspicions by informing me that the two officers wereher first cousins, and then introduced them to me. They responded to mycordial salutation in excellent English, Miss Canbee casually adding, asthough to make conversation:

"Of course you remember, Doctor Fibble, my having told you several timesthat my mother was French?"

To this I could only reply in all sincerity that the fact of her havingtold me so had entirely escaped my mind, which was quite true. Yetordinarily my memory for trifles is excellent, and I can only attributeto press of other cares my failure now to recall the circumstance. 

I could well understand why Miss Canbee felt constrained to obtainpermission to spend the afternoon in converse with her cousins inpreference to joining the rest of us in a long walk in the warm, brightsunshine along the quays of the River Seine, this being an excursion Ihad planned at luncheon; but why--as I repeatedly asked myself--whyshould Miss Hilda Slicker manifest pique to a marked degree when Iinsisted on her accompanying us? She, surely, could feel no personalinterest in two young French officers whose acquaintance she had justformed and who were in no degree related to her by ties ofblood-kinship. 

Such happenings as the two I have just narrated went far to convince methat even the refining and elevating influences of foreign travel, whenprosecuted under the most agreeable and congenial of auspices, might notsuffice in all instances to curb the naturally frivolous and unheedingtendencies of growing young persons of the opposite sex, between thegiven ages of seventeen and twenty. 

I may also state that the task of mastering the idiomatic eccentricitiesof the French language gave me some small inconvenience. With Greek, with Latin, with Hebrew, I am on terms of more or less familiarity; butuntil this present occasion the use of modern tongues other than our ownhave never impressed me as an accomplishment worthy to be undertaken byone who is busied with the more serious acquirements of learning. However, some days before sailing I had secured a work entitled "Frenchin Thirty Lessons, " the author being our teacher of modern languages atFernbridge, Miss McGillicuddy by name, and at spare intervals haddiligently applied myself to its contents. 

On reaching France, however, I found the jargon or patois spokengenerally by the natives to differ so materially from the purer forms asset forth in this work that perforce I had recourse to a small manualcontaining, in parallel columns, sentences in English and their Gallicequivalents, and thereafter never ventured abroad without carrying thisvolume in my pocket. Even so, no matter how careful my enunciation, Ifrequently encountered difficulty in making my intent clear to theunderstanding of the ordinary gendarme or cab driver, or what not. Norwill I deny that in other essential regards Paris was to medisappointing. The life pursued by many of the inhabitants afternightfall impressed me as frivolous in the extreme and not to becountenanced by right-thinking people; in the public highwaysautomobiles and other vehicles manoeuvred with disconcertingrecklessness and abandon; and, after England, the tea seemed inferior. 

Until this time no intimation of impending war had intruded on ourthoughts. To be sure, some days before our departure from Fernbridge Ihad perused accounts in the public prints of the assassination of theHeir Apparent of Austria-Hungary and his lady somewhere in the Balkans, but I for one regarded this deplorable event as a thing liable to occurin any unsettled foreign community where the inhabitants speak instrange tongues and follow strange customs. Never for one moment did Idream that this crime might have an effect on the peace of the world atlarge. 

Presently, however, I began to note an air of feverish activity amongthe denizens of Paris; and one morning toward the end of our firstweek's sojourn in their midst I discerned a large body of troops movingalong one of the principal boulevards, accompanied by cheering throngs. Still I felt no alarm, my explanation to my young ladies for thispatriotic exhibition being that undoubtedly these abnormal and emotionalpeople were merely celebrating one of their national gala or fête days. 

In fancied security, therefore, we continued to visit cemeteries, cathedrals, art galleries, tombs, and so on, until, almost like a boltfrom the sky, came tidings that certain neighbouring states hadinterchanged declarations of war and the French forces were preparing tomobilise. Simultaneously one realised that American visitors weredeparting elsewhere in considerable numbers. 

I was not frightened, but I shall not deny that I felt concern. I was aman, and a man must face with fortitude and resolution whatevervicissitudes the immediate future may bring forth--else he is no man;but what of these tender and immature young females who had beenentrusted to my keeping? I must act, and act at once. I summoned them tomy presence; and after begging them to remain calm and to refrain fromtears, I disclosed to them the facts that had come to my notice. Continuing, I informed them that though the rumours of prospectivehostilities were doubtlessly exaggerated and perhaps largely unfounded, nevertheless I deemed it the part of wisdom to return without delay toEngland, there to remain until conditions on the Continent assumed amore pacific aspect. 

Enormously to my surprise, my wards, with one voice, demurred to thesuggestion. Miss Canbee spoke up, saying--I reproduce her words almostliterally--that a really-truly war would be a perfect lark and that shethought it would be just dear if they all volunteered as nurses, ordaughters of the regiment, or something. She announced, furthermore, that she meant to wire that night to her father for permission to enlistand pick out her uniform the very first thing in the morning. Strangely, her deluded companions greeted this remarkable statement with seemingapprobation. All speaking at once, they began discussing details ofcostume, and so on. I was thunderstruck! It required outright sternnessof demeanour and utterance on my part to check their exuberant outburstsof misguided enthusiasm. 

Nevertheless, another twenty-four hours was to ensue before I felt thattheir spirits had been sufficiently curbed to permit of my makingpreparations for our departure. Judge of my feelings when I found thatno travelling accommodations could be procured, every departing trainfor the coast being crowded far beyond its customary capacity!

Ah, Mister President, could I but depict for you the scenes that nowsucceeded--the congestion at the booking offices; the intense confusionprevalent at all the railroad stations; the increasing popularapprehension everywhere displayed; the martial yet disconcerting soundof troops on the march through the streets; the inability to procuresuitable means of vehicular transportation about the city. In thosehours my nervous system sustained a succession of shocks from which, Ifear me, I shall never entirely recover. 

Yet I would not have you believe that I lost my intellectual poise andcomposure. Without, I may have appeared distraught; within, my braincontinued its ordained functions. Indeed, my mind operated with a mostunwonted celerity. Scarcely a minute passed that some new expedient didnot flash into my thoughts; and only the inability to carry them out, due to the prevalent conditions and the obstinacy of railroad employésand others to whom I appealed, prevented the immediate execution of aconsiderable number of my plans. 

Never for one instant was my mind or my body inactive. I would notundertake to compute the number of miles I travelled on foot that day ingoing from place to place--from consular office to ambassadorialheadquarters, always to find each place densely thronged withassemblages of my harassed and frenzied fellow country people; fromrailroad terminal to booking office and back again, or vice versa, asthe case might be and frequently was; from money changer's to touristagency; from tourist agency to hotel, there to offer hurried words ofcomfort to my eight charges; and then to dart forth again, hither andyon, on some well-intentioned but entirely fruitless errand. 

To my ministrations I ascribe the cheerfulness and light-heartedness theyoung ladies continued to evince throughout this trying period. Fromtheir demeanour one actually might have imagined that they lackedtotally in appreciation of the gravity of the situation. 

Not soon, if ever, shall I cease to recall my inward misgivings when, late in the afternoon of this distracting day, I returned from my thirdor fourth unsuccessful call at the booking office to learn they haddisobeyed my express admonition that they remain securely indoors duringmy absences. The manager led me to the door of his establishment andpointed to a spot on the sidewalk some number of paces distant. There Ibeheld all eight of them standing at the curbing, giving vent to signsand sounds of approval as a column of troops passed along the boulevard. I started toward them, being minded to chide them severely for theirfoolhardiness in venturing forth from the confines of the hotel withoutmale protection; but, at this juncture, I was caught unawares in a densemass of boisterous and excited resident Parisians, who swept up suddenlyfrom behind, enveloping me in their midst. 

Thus entangled and surrounded, I was borne on and onward, protesting asI went and endeavouring by every polite means within my power toextricate myself from the press. Yet, so far as one might observe, nonepaid the slightest heed to one's request for room and air until suddenlythe crowd parted, with cheers, and through the opening my wards appearedled by the Misses Flora Canbee and Evelyn Maud Peacher, the latter ofPeoria, Illinois. These two accepted my outstretched hands and, withtheir aid and the aid of the remaining six, I managed to attain thecomparatively safe refuge of a near-by shop doorway, but in a sadlyjostled state as to one's nerves and much disordered as to one'swardrobe. Hearing my voice uplifted in entreaty as I was carried bythem, they had nobly responded; and, because of the impulse of thethrong, which accorded to frail maidenhood what was denied to stalwartmasculinity, they had succeeded in reaching my side. 

So great was my relief at being rescued, I forbore altogether fromscolding them; and, besides, my thoughts were distracted into other andeven more perturbing channels when a search of my person revealed to methat unknown persons had taken advantage of the excitement of the momentto invade my pockets and make away with such minor belongings as asilver watch, a fountain pen, a spectacle case, a slightly usedhandkerchief, an unused one carried for emergencies, and the neatpatent-clasp purse in which I customarily kept an amount of small changefor casual purchases. I lost no time in getting my charges indoors, forit was quite plain that there must be thieves about. 

In the midst of all this I despatched the first of a series ofcablegrams to Mr. William Jennings Bryan. I realise now that I shouldhave addressed you direct, but at the moment it seemed to me fittingthat the head of our State Department should be advised of oursituation. 

From memory I am able to reproduce the language of this first message. It ran:

 Am detained here, with eight young lady students of Fernbridge Seminary. Have absolutely no desire to become personally involved in present European crisis. Kindly notify American Ambassador to have French Government provide special train for our immediate use. Pressing and urgent!

Having signed this with my full name, and with my temporary addressadded, I hastened with it to the nearest cable office. The official towhom I tendered it apparently knew no English, but from his manner Igathered that he felt disinclined to accept and transmit it. I was inno mood to be thwarted by petty technicalities, however, and on mypressing into his hand a considerable amount of money in five-francnotes he took both currency and cablegram, with a shrug of hisshoulders, signifying acquiescence. 

It was because I tarried on and on amid tumultuous scenes for anothertwenty-four hours, awaiting the taking of proper steps by Mr. Bryan, that more precious time was lost. Hour after hour, within the refuge ofour hotel parlour, itself a most depressing chamber, I sat, my handsclasped, my charges clustered about me, our trunks packed, our lesserbelongings bestowed for travel, awaiting word from him. None came. I amloath to make the accusation direct, but I must tell you that I neverhad from Mr. Bryan any acknowledgment of this original cablegram or ofthe other and even more insistently appealing telegrams I filed in rapidsequence; nor, so far as I have been able to ascertain, did he in theleast bestir himself on behalf of Fernbridge Seminary for Young Ladies. 

Regarding this callous indifference, this official slothfulness, thisinability to rise to the needs of a most pressing emergency, I refrainabsolutely from comment, leaving it for you, sir, to judge. It would beof no avail for Mr. Bryan to deny having received my messages, becausein each and every instance I insisted on leaving the money to pay fortransmission. 

I shall not harrow your sensibilities by a complete and detailed recitalof the nerve-racking adventures that immediately succeeded. I may onlyliken my state of mind to that so graphically described in thewell-known and popular story of the uxoricide, Bluebeard, wherein it istold how the vigilant Anne stood on the outer ramparts straining hereyes in the direction whither succour might reasonably be expected tomaterialise, being deceived at least once by the dust cloud created by aflock of sheep, and tortured meantime by the melancholy accents of hersister, the present wife of the monster, who continually entreated to betold whether she, Anne, saw any one coming. 

The tale is probably imaginary in character to a very considerabledegree, though based, I believe, on fact; but assuredly the authordepicted my own emotions in this interim. One moment I felt as one ofthe sisters must have felt, the next as the other sister must have felt;and, again, I shared the composite emotions of both at once, not tomention the feelings probably inherent in the shepherd of the flock, since my wards might well be likened, I thought, to helpless youngsheep. By this comparison I mean no disrespect; the simile is employedbecause of its aptness and for no other reason. It would ill become me, of all men, to refer slightingly to any of our student-body, we atFernbridge making it our policy ever to receive only the daughters offamilies having undoubted social standing in their respectivecommunities. I trust this explanation is entirely satisfactory to allconcerned. 

Let us go forward, Mister President, to the moment when, after manyfalse alarms, many alternations of hope, of doubt, of despair, then hopeagain, we finally found ourselves aboard a train ostensibly destinedfor Boulogne or Calais; albeit a train of the most inferioraccommodations conceivable and crowded to the utmost by unhappytravellers, among whom fleeing Americans vastly predominated. Our heavyluggage was left behind us, abandoned to unsympathetic hands. Of foodseemly to allay the natural cravings of the human appetite there waslittle or none to be had, even at augmented prices. Actually one mightnot procure so small a thing as a cup of tea. 

My trunk, my neatly strapped steamer rug, my large yellow valise, andsundry smaller articles, were gone, I knew not whither. I did but knowthey had vanished utterly; wherefore I adhered with the clutch ofdesperation to my umbrella and my small black portmanteau. Even mycollection of assorted souvenir postcards of European views, whereof Ihad contemplated making an albumed gift to my Great-Aunt Paulina, on myreturn to my beloved native land, was irretrievably lost to me forever. 

Still, we moved--haltingly and slowly, it is true, and with frequentstoppages. None the less, we moved; progress was definitely being madein the direction of the seaboard, and in contemplation of this fact onefound an infinitesimal measure of consolation, gleaming, so to speak, against a dark cloud of forebodings, like one lone starry orb in astorm-envisaged firmament. During the early part of our journey I couldnot fail to give heed to the amazing attitude maintained by the youngladies. Repeatedly, as we paused on a siding to permit the passage of aladen troop train, I detected them in the act of waving hand or kerchiefat the soldiery. 

And once I actually overheard Miss Marble remark to Miss Canbee thatshe, for one, was sorry we were going away from hostilities rather thantoward them. One could scarce credit one's ears! Could it be true, asstudents of psychology have repeatedly affirmed, that the spirit ofyouth is unquenchable, even in the presence of impending peril? Or, hadmy own precept and example stimulated these young women into a displayof seeming light-heartedness? Perhaps both--certainly the latter. Asfor me, my one consuming thought now was to bid farewell forever to theshores of a land where war is permitted to eventuate with suchabruptness and with so little consideration for visiting noncombatants. To those about me I made no secret of my desire in this regard, speakingwith such intensity as to produce a quavering of the voice. 

Certain decided views, entirely in accordance with my own, were sosuccinctly expressed by a gentleman who shared the compartment intowhich I was huddled with some eight or nine others that I cannot forbearfrom repeating them here. 

This gentleman, a Mr. John K. Botts, of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, andevidently a person of much wealth and no small importance in his homecity, said things had come to a pretty pass when a freeborn Americancitizen who had been coming to Europe every summer for years, alwaysspending his money like water and never asking the price of anything inadvance, but just planking down whatever the grafters wanted for it, should have his motor car confiscated and his trunks held up on him andhis plans all disarranged, just because a lot of these foreignersthought they wanted to fight one another over something. He said that hehad actually been threatened with arrest by a measly army captain whomhe, Mr. Botts, could buy and sell a hundred times over without everfeeling it. He was strongly in favour of wiring our Government to orderthe warring nations to suspend hostilities until all the Americans inEurope could get back home, and mentioned thirty days as a suitable timefor this purpose. 

With regard to this last suggestion I heartily concurred; and my secondcablegram to Mr. Bryan, filed while en route, embodied the thought, forwhich I now wish to give Mr. John K. Botts due credit as its creator. Toinsure prompt delivery into Mr. Bryan's hands, I sent the message induplicate, one copy being addressed to him at the State Department, inWashington, and the other in care of the Silvery Bells Lecture andChautauqua Bureau, in the event that he might be on the platform ratherthan at his desk. 

I should have asked Mr. Botts to sign the cablegrams with me jointlybut for the fact that after the first two hours of travel he was nolonger with us. He left the train at a way station a few miles fromParis, with a view, as he announced, to chartering a special train fromthe military forces to convey him, regardless of expense, to hisdestination, and failed to return. Days elapsed before I learned throughroundabout sources that he had been detained in quasi custody because ofa groundless suspicion on the part of the native authorities that he wasmildly demented, though how such a theory could have been harboured byany one is, I admit, entirely beyond my comprehension. 

Nightfall loomed imminent when we reached the town of Abbevilliers, aplace of approximately twenty thousand inhabitants. In happier and lesschaotic times one might have spent a pleasant and profitable day, orperhaps two days, in Abbevilliers, for here, so the guidebook informedme, was to be found a Gothic cathedral of the fifteenth and sixteenthcenturies, an ancient fortress, and a natural history collection; butnow my ambition was to pass Abbevilliers by with the greatest possibledespatch. 

Yet, what was one to do when soldiers in uniform and led by officersentered the train and required the passengers to vacate forthwith, onthe excuse that the coaches were required for the transportation oftroops? Protests were presented, but all to no avail, the officersremaining obdurate in the face of entreaties, objurgations, and evenoffers of money by a number of individuals hailing from various sectionsof the United States and elsewhere. We detrained; there was, in fact, noother course left to us. 

Pausing at the station long enough to indite and leave behind acablegram acquainting Mr. Bryan with this newest outrage, I set forth, with my eight clustering wards, to find suitable quarters for the night. We visited hotel after hotel, to be met everywhere with the statementthat each already was full to overflowing with refugees. At last, spentand discouraged, I obtained shelter for my little expedition beneath theroof of a small and emphatically untidy establishment on the shores ofthat turbid stream, the River Somme. For the accommodation of the youngladies two small rooms were available, but to my profound distaste I wasinformed that I must sleep through the night on--hear this, MisterPresident!--on a billiard table!

I had never slept on a billiard table before. Willingly, I shall neverdo so again. Moreover, I was not permitted to have an entire billiardtable to myself. I was compelled to share it with two other persons, both total strangers to me. 

I must qualify that last assertion; for one of my bedfellows--ortable-fellows, to employ exact language--lost no time in informing meregarding himself and his history. Despite the hardness of my improvisedcouch, I fain would have relinquished myself to Nature's sweetrestorer--that is, slumber--for I was greatly awearied by the exertionsof the day; but this gentleman, who was of enormous physicalproportions, evinced so strong an inclination to have converse with methat I felt it the part of discretion, and of politeness as well, togive ear. 

Speaking in a quaint and at times almost incomprehensible vernacular, hebegan by telling me as we reclined side by side beneath the samecoverlid that he was no other than Zeno the Great. He then paused, asthough to allow me time in which to recover from any astonishment Imight feel. In sooth, I had never before heard of any person wearing sosingular an appellation; but, realising instinctively that some responsefrom me was expected, I murmured, "Ah, indeed! How very interesting!"and begged him to proceed. 

This he straightway did, paying no heed to the muttered complaints ofour third companion, who reclined on the other side from me, I being inthe middle. Since our fortunes were thereafter to be so strangelyintertwined, I deem it best to detail in effect the disclosures then andthere made to me by this gentleman, Zeno the Great. 

His name, it developed, was not Zeno, but Finnigan, the more sonorouscognomen having been adopted for professional purposes. He had begunlife humbly, as a blacksmith's assistant in a hamlet in Michigan, laterattaching himself to a travelling circus. Here his duties mainlyconsisted in lending assistance in the elevating and lowering of thetent. Possessing great bodily strength and activity, however, he had inspare time perfected himself in the art of lifting, balancing andjuggling objects of enormous weight, such as steel bars, iron balls, andso on, with the gratifying result that he presently became a dulyqualified performer, appearing for a term of years before large andenthusiastic audiences, and everywhere with the most marked successimaginable; in fact, he was now without a peer in his chosen vocation, as he himself freely conceded. He expressed himself as being exceedinglysorry not to have with him a scrapbook containing a great number ofpress clippings laudatory of his achievements, adding that he would havebeen glad to lend me the book in order that I might read its entirecontents at my leisure. 

At length his fame, having first spread the length and breadth of ourown country, reached foreign shores. After spirited bidding on the partof practically all the leading Continental managers he accepted anengagement at a princely salary to perform before the crowned heads ofEurope, and others, as the principal attraction of a vaudeville companycontemplating a tour of Europe. I recall that he specifically mentionedcrowned heads. Feeling that the importance of the event justified alavishness in the matter of personal garb, he said that before sailinghe had visited the establishment of a famous costumer located on theBowery, in the city of New York, and there had purchased attire suitableto be worn on the occasion of his public appearances abroad. 

This apparel, he admitted, had undergone some wear, as the property of aprevious owner, being, in fact, what is known as second-handed; but, because of its effectiveness of design and the fortunate circumstance ofits being a perfect fit, he had not hesitated to purchase it. I ask you, Mister President, to mark well this detail, for it, too, has aprofoundly significant bearing on future events. 

Continuing, my new acquaintance stated that he had reached France but aday or two before the mobilisation and, like myself, had been hurledunexpectedly into a very vortex of chaos and confusion. He had lost acollection of photographs of himself, and his treasuredscrapbook--losses that he regretted exceedingly; but he had clung fastto his stage attire and to his juggling appliances, bearing them awaywith him by hand from Paris. He was now endeavouring to make his wayback to England, intending to return thence to America without loss oftime. 

This narration consumed, I presume, the greater part of two hours, I, meantime, endeavouring to conceal any signs of increasing drowsiness. Hewas, I think, nearing the conclusion of his tale when the porter of thehotel appeared before us in the semi-gloom in which the billiard roomwas shrouded. Observing that we were yet awake, he gave vent to anextended statement, ejaculating with great volubility and manygesticulations of eyebrow, hand and shoulder. The French in which hedeclaimed was of so corrupted a form that one could not understand him;and, since one of my neighbours was now soundly asleep and the otherknew no French, we were at a loss to get on until the porter hadrecourse to an improvised sign language. 

Producing a watch he pointed to the Roman numeral VII on its face andthen, emitting a hissing sound from between his front teeth, he impartedto his hands a rapid circular motion, as though imitating the stirringof some mixture. At once we agreed between our two selves that thisstrange demonstration had reference, firstly to the hour when breakfastwould be served on the following morning, and, secondly, to the articlesof drink and food which would be available for our consumption at thattime. 

[Illustration: FROM ITS DEPTHS I EXTRACTED THE PARTING GIFTS BESTOWEDUPON ME BY MY GREAT-AUNT PAULINA]

Accordingly I nodded, saying: "_Oui, oui; je comprends. _" And at that, seemingly satisfied, the worthy fellow withdrew, all smiles. Shortlythereafter we drifted off to sleep and I knew no more until I was rousedby the brilliant rays of the August sun shining in my face and rose toa sitting attitude, to find that the third man had already departed, leaving to Zeno the Great and myself the complete occupancy of thebilliard table. 

As I straightened to my full stature, with my limbs aching and my wholecorporeal frame much stiffened by enforced contact during a period ofhours with the comparatively unyielding surface of the billiard table, Imade another discovery, highly disconcerting in its nature. Ere retiringto rest I had placed my shoes side by side beneath the table. It was nowevident that while I slept some person or persons unknown to me hadremoved them. I hypothesised this deduction from the fact that they werequite utterly gone. A thorough scrutiny of my surroundings, which Iconducted with the aid of my late sleeping companion, merely served toconfirm this belief, the search being bootless. I have no intention ofmaking a pun here. Puns are to me vulgar, and hence odious. I meanbootless in the proper sense of the word. 

Balancing myself on the marge or verge of the billiard table--for thetiled surface of the floor had imparted a sense of chill to myhalf-soled feet and already I was beginning to repress incipientsneezes--I called aloud, and yet again I called. There was no response. A sense of the undignifiedness of my attitude came to me. I opened myremaining portmanteau, which had served me as a pillow--and such apillow! From its depths I extracted the parting gifts bestowed upon meby my Great-Aunt Paulina and adjusted them to my chilled extremities. Ah, little had she recked, as her deft fingers wove the several skeinsof wool into the finished fabric, that under such circumstances asthese, in such a place as this, and almost within sound of war's dreadalarums, I should now wear them!

I was reminded that I craved food and I mentioned the thought to Mr. Finnigan--or, as I shall call him, Zeno the Great. It appeared that he, too, was experiencing a similar natural longing, for his mannerinstantly became exuberantly cordial. For all his massiveness of contourand boisterous manner of speech, I felt that this new-made friend ofmine had a warm heart. He dealt me an unnecessarily violent butaffectionate blow between the shoulders, and as I reeled from the shock, gasping for breath, he cried out in his uncouth but kindly way:

"Little one, that's a swell idea--let's you and me go to it!" Note--By_it_, he undoubtedly meant breakfast. 

With these words he lifted his luggage consisting of a large black boxsecurely bound with straps and padlocked as to the hasp, telling me atthe same time that he doubted whether any human being in the world savehimself could stir it from the floor; for, as he vouchsafed, itcontained not only his costume but also a set of juggling devices ofsolid iron, weighing in the aggregate an incredible number of pounds. Ihave forgotten the exact figures, but my recollection is that he saidupward of a thousand pounds net. As he shouldered this mighty burden heremarked to me over his shoulder:

"I guess I'm bad--eh?"

However, as I have just explained and now reiterate, I am convinced hewas not bad at all, but good at bottom; so I contented myself bysaying:

"No, no; quite the contrary, I am sure. "

As we emerged from the billiard room into the small entrance hall orlobby that adjoined it, I was struck with the air of silence whichprevailed. The proprietor was not visible; no other person was visible. Once more I called out, saying: "Hello, my good man! Where are you?" orwords to that effect; but only echo answered. I fared to the diningroom, but not a living soul was in sight there. Beset by a sudden dreadsuspicion I hastily ascended the stairs to the upper floor and spedthrough an empty corridor to the two rooms wherein my eight wards hadbeen lodged. The doors of both chambers stood open; but the interiors, though showing signs of recent occupancy, were deserted. I even exploredthe closets--no one there, either! Conjecture was succeeded by alarm andalarm by outright distress. 

Where had they gone? Where had everybody gone? Unbidden and unanswered, these questions leaped to my bewildered brain, firing it with horribleforebodings. 

Sounds of loud and excited outcry came reverberatively to me from below. With all possible speed I retraced my steps to the entrance hall. ThereI beheld the proprietor in close physical contact with Zeno the Great, striving with all his powers to restrain the infuriated latter fromcommitting a bodily assault on the frightened porter, who apparently hadjust entered by the street door and was cowering in a corner in anattitude of supplication, loudly appealing for mercy, while the landlordin broken English was all the time pleading with the giant to remaintranquil. 

Into the midst of the struggle I interposed myself, and when a measureof calm had been re-established I learned the lamentable and stunningtruth. Stupefied, dazed and, for the nonce, speechless, I stared fromone to the other, unwilling to credit my own sense of hearing. 

At seven of the clock a special train had steamed away for Calais, bearing the refugees. The proprietor and his minion had but justreturned from the station, whence the train had departed a short halfhour before. Aboard it were the Americans who had been stranded inAbbevilliers on the evening previous. My eight young lady seniors wereaboard it, doubtlessly assuming, in the haste and confusion of thestart, that I had found lodgment in some other compartment than the oneoccupied by them. 

All the recent guests of this hotel were aboard it--with two exceptions. One was Zeno the Great; the other the author of this distressingnarrative. 

With one voice we demanded to know why we, too, had not been advised inadvance. The proprietor excitedly declared that he had sent the porterto make the rounds of the house during the night and that the porterreturning to him, reported that, either by word of mouth or by signs, hehad duly informed all of the plans afoot for the ensuing morning. 

"He tell me zat ze billiard-table gentlemans do not understand zeFrench, " proclaimed the landlord; "and zat zen he make wit' 'is mouthand 'is hands ze representation of ze _chemin de fer_--what you call zelocomoteef; and zen you say to him: 'Yes, yes--all is well; wecomprehend fully. '"

With a low, poignant moan I pressed my hands, palms inward, to mythrobbing temples and staggered for support against the nearermost wall. I saw it all now. When the porter had emitted those hissing sounds frombetween his teeth we very naturally interpreted them as an effort on hispart to simulate the sound produced by steaming-hot breakfast coffee. When, in a circular fashion, he rotated his hand we thought he meantscrambled eggs. Between wonder at the incredible stupidity of the porterand horror at the situation of my eight unprotected and defencelessyoung lady seniors, now separated from me by intervening and rapidlyincreasing miles, I was rent by conflicting emotions until reasontottered on her throne. 

Anon I recovered myself, and the intellectual activity habitual to thetrained mind succeeded the coma of shock. I asked this: "When will therebe another train for the coast?" With many shrugs the landlord answeredthat conditions were unsettled--as we knew; schedules were disarranged. There might be a train to-night, to-morrow, or the day after--who couldsay? Meantime he felt that it was his duty to warn us to prepare for avisit by a joint representation of the civic and military authorities. Rumours of the presence of spies in the employ of the Germans filled thetown. It was believed that one miscreant was even then in the placeseeking an opportunity to destroy the public buildings and the railroadterminal with bombs or other devilish machines. Excitement was intense. Aliens were to be put under surveillance and domiciliary search had beenordered. It was even possible that all strangers might be arrested onsuspicion and detained for further investigation. 

Arrested! Detained! His words sent a cold chill into the very marrow ofmy being. Innocent of all evil intent though I was, I now recalled thaton the day before, while in mixed company, I had spoken openly--perhapsbitterly--of the temperamental shortcomings of the French. What if mylanguage should be distorted, my motives misconstrued? In the presentroused and frenzied state of a proverbially excitable race the mostfrightful mistakes were possible. 

There was but one thing to do: I must wire our Secretary of State, apprising him of the exact situation in Abbevilliers with particularreference to my own plight, and strongly urging on him the advisabilityof instantly ordering a fleet of American battleships to the coast ofFrance, there to make a demonstration in force. With me, to think hasever been to act. I begged the landlord for pen and ink and cable blanksand, sitting down at a convenient table, I began. However, I cannot askthat Mr. Bryan be called to account for his failure to respond to thisparticular recommendation from me, inasmuch as the cablegram was neverdespatched; in fact, it was never completed, owing to a succession ofcircumstances I shall next describe. 

Because of an agitation that I ascribe to the intense earnestness nowdominating me I encountered some slight difficulty in framing themessage in intelligible language and a legible chirography. I had tornup the first half-completed draft and was engaged on the openingparagraph of the second when the clamour of a fresh altercation fell onmy ear, causing me to glance up from my task. The porter, it appeared, had laid hands on Zeno the Great's black box, possibly with a view toshifting it from where it lay on the floor directly in the doorway;whereupon its owner became seized with a veritable berserk rage. Uttering loud cries and denunciations he fell on the porter and wrestedthe box from his grasp; following which the porter fled into the street, being immediately lost from view in the distance. 

Turning to me, Zeno the Great was in the midst of saying that, thoughbereft of his scrapbook of clippings and his set of photographs, hehoped to be eternally consigned to perdition--his meaning if not hisexact phraseology--if anybody got away with the even more preciousbelongings yet remaining to him, when nearing sounds of hurrying feetand many shrill voices from without caused him to break off. 

In apprehension, more or less successfully concealed from casualscrutiny, I rose to my feet. At the same instant the porterprecipitately re-entered, closely followed by six gendarmes, eight footsoldiers, a personage in a high hat, whom I afterward ascertained to bethe mayor, and a mixed assemblage of citizens of both sexes and allages, amounting in the aggregate to a multitude of not inconsiderableproportions. Agitating his arms with inconceivable activity and cryingout words of unknown purport at the top of his lungs, the porter pointedaccusingly at Zeno, at the locked box, at me!

For the moment I was left unmolested. With loud and infuriated cries thegendarmes threw themselves on the black box. The foot soldiers hurledthemselves on Zeno the Great, precipitating him to the floor, and quitecovering him up beneath a quivering and straining mass of human forms. The mayor tripped over a stool and fell prone. The populace gave vent toshrill outcries. In short and in fine, I may affirm, without fear ofsuccessful contradiction, that chaos reigned supreme. 

One felt that the time had come to assert one's sovereign position as anAmerican citizen and, if need be, as a member of a family able to traceits genealogy in an unbroken line to the landing of the Pilgrim Fathersat or near Plymouth Rock, Massachusetts. I drew forth from my pocket thesmall translating manual, previously described as containing English andFrench sentences of similar purport arranged in parallel columns, and, holding it in one hand, I endeavoured to advance to the centre of theturmoil, with my free arm meantime uplifted in a gesture calling forsilence and attention; but a variety of causes coincidentally transpiredto impede seriously my efforts to be heard. 

To begin with, the uproar was positively deafening in volume, and myvoice is one which in moments of declamation is inclined to verge on thetenor. In addition to this, the complete freedom of my movements wasconsiderably impaired by a burly whiskered creature, in a long blousesuch as is worn in these parts by butchers and other tradespeople, who, coming on me from behind, fixed a firm grasp in the back of my garmentsat the same instant when one of his fellows possessed himself of myumbrella and my small portmanteau. 

Finally, I could not locate in the book the exact phrases I meant toutter. Beneath my eyes, as the printed leaves fluttered back and forth, there flashed paragraphs dealing with food, with prices of variousarticles, with the state of the weather, with cab fares, withconjectures touching on the whereabouts of imaginary relatives, withquestions and answers in regard to the arrival and departure of trains, but nothing at all concerning unfounded suspicions directed againstprivate individuals; nothing at all concerning the inherent rights ofstrangers travelling abroad; nothing at all concerning the procedurepresumed to obtain among civilised peoples as to the inviolatesacredness of one's personal property from sumptuary and violent searchat the hands of unauthorised persons--in short, nothing at all thatwould have the slightest bearing on, or be of the slightest value inexplaining, the present acute situation. Given a modicum of leisure forpainstaking search among the pages and a lessening of tensity in thestate of the popular excitement, I should undoubtedly have succeeded infinding that which I sought; but such was destined not to be. 

Of a sudden a chorus of exultant shrieks, louder than any of the criesthat until then had arisen, caused all and sundry to face a spot nearthe door. The gendarmes had forced open the black box so highly prizedby Zeno the Great and now bared its contents to the common gaze. 

Mister President, think of the result on the minds of the mob alreadyinflamed by stories of spies and infernal devices. The box contained sixcannon balls and a German captain's uniform!

Ah, sir, how many times since then, dreaming in my peaceful bed of thethings that immediately ensued, have I wakened to find my extremitiesicy cold and my body bathed in an icy moisture! Yet, in my waking hours, whene'er I seek mentally to reconstruct those hideous scenes I marvelthat I should preserve so confused, so inchoate a recollection of itall, though from the picture certain episodes stand out in all theiroriginal and terrifying vividness. 

Again do I hear the maledictions of the frenzied populace; again do Ibehold their menacing faces, their threatening gestures. Again, withpitying and sympathetic eyes, do I see myself hurried through thestreets, a breathless prisoner, hatless, coatless--for my coat came awayin the hands of the whiskered wretch in the blouse--deprived throughforcible confiscation of my translating manual, by means of which Imight yet have made all clear to my accusers, and still wearing on mysorely trampled feet the parting gift of Great-Aunt Paulina. Again am Icarried for arraignment before a mixed tribunal in a crowded room ofsome large building devoted in ordinary times, I presume, to civicpurposes. 

The trial scene--how clearly do I envisage that! Come with me, YourExcellency, and look on it: Zeno the Great is there, writhing impotentlyin the grasp of his captors and, at such intervals as his voice can beheard, hoarsely importuning me to make all clear. The gendarmes arethere. The troopers are there in full panoply of lethal equipment andcarnage-dealing implements of war. The mayor is there, as before, buthas lost his high hat. Hundreds of the vociferating citizens are there. And finally I--Roscoe T. Fibble--am there also, still preserving, I mayfondly trust, such dignity, such poise, such an air of consciousrectitude as is possible, considering gyves on one's wrists, no coveringfor one's head, and a pair of embroidered bedroom slippers on one'sfeet. 

The porter, with circumstantial particularity, re-enacts his attempt toremove the damning black box and his encounter with my haplesscompanion. The mayor publicly embraces him. The chief of the gendarmesproves by actual demonstration that the German captain's uniform is aperfect fit for Zeno the Great. The mayor kisses him on both cheeks. Thecommanding officer of the military squad makes the discovery that thesix cannon balls are but thin hollow metal shells containing cavitiesor recesses, into which presumably fulminating explosives might beintroduced. The mayor kisses him on both cheeks and on the forehead. 

It is one's own turn; at the prospect one involuntarily shudders! One'sself is hedged about by impassioned inquisitionists. On every side oneis confronted by waving beards, condemning eyes, denouncing faces, clenched hands and pointing fingers. From full twenty throats at onceone is beset by shrill interrogations; but, owing to the universalrapidity of utterance and the shrillness of enunciation, one is quiteunable, in the present state of one's mind, to distinguish a singleintelligible syllable. 

Lacking my translating manual to aid me in framing suitable responses, Ihad resort to an expedient which at the moment seemed little short of aninspiration, but which I have since ascertained to have been technicallyan error, inasmuch as thereby I was put in the attitude of pleadingguilty to being a spy in the employ of the enemy, of being an accompliceof Zeno the Great in nefarious plots against the lives and property ofthe French people, and of having conspired with him to wreck all publicand many private edifices in the town by means of deadly agencies. 

The mistake I made, Mr. President, was this: To all questions ofwhatsoever nature, I answered by saying, "_Oui, oui. _"

Almost instantaneously--so it seemed--I found myself transported to aplace of durance vile, deep down in the intricate confines of thenoisome cellars beneath the building where the inquisition had takenplace. There in lonely solitude did I languish; and at intervals I heardthrough the thick walls, from the adjoining keep, the dismal, despairingaccents of my ill-starred fellow countryman bewailingly uplifted. True, he had wilfully deceived me. Most certainly he told me those cannonballs were solid iron. 

Yet this was neither the time nor the place for vain recriminations;for, indeed, all seemed lost. Doom impended--earthly destruction;mundane annihilation! One pictured a gallows tree; and, turning fromthat image, one pictured a firing squad at sunrise. I was only deterredfrom committing to writing my expiring message to Mr. Bryan and theworld at large by two insurmountable considerations: One was that I hadno writing materials of whatsoever nature, and the other was that mymental perturbation precluded all possibility of inducing a consecutiveand lucid train of thought. 

Constantly there recurred to me the words of a popular yet melancholyballad I had once heard reproduced on a talking machine which dealt withthe tragic and untimely fate of a noble youth who, throughmisapprehension and no discernible fault of his own, perished at thehands of a drum-head court-martial in time of hostilities, the refrainbeing: "The pardon came too late!"

Nevermore should I see my peaceful study at Fernbridge Seminary forYoung Ladies, with its cozy armchair, its comforting stool, or rest, forthe slippered feet, its neatly arranged tea table! Nevermore should Ispend the tranquil evening hours with Wordsworth and with Tennyson!Nevermore should my eyes rest on my portfolio of pressed autumn leaves, my carefully preserved wild flowers, my complete collection of the floraof Western New Jersey!

In such despairing contemplations very many hours passed--or at least, so I believed at the time. Eventually footsteps sounded without in thepaved corridor; the lock of my cell turned; the hinges grated; metalclanged. Had another day dawned? Had the executioners come to lead meforth? Nay; not so! The sickly light that streamed into my dungeon cellwas not the beaming of another sunrise but the suffused radiance of thepresent afternoon; in fact, the hour was approximately one o'clock P. M. , as I learned later. 

Enframed in the door opening stood the form of my gaoler, and beside himwas one of the cousins of my charge, Miss Canbee. It was the tallbrunette cousin--not the slight blonde one. I was saved! I was saved!

He--the cousin in question--had been one of the officers in charge ofthe train which bore my charges away that morning. Meeting him on boardsoon after discovering that I was not included among the passengers, Miss Canbee begged him to hasten back to Abbevilliers to make search forme. He had consented; he had returned posthaste. He knew me for what Iwas, not for what, to the misguided perceptions of these excitedcitizens, I seemed, in sooth, to be. 

And in this same connection I wish to add that I have ever refused tocredit the malicious rumours originating among some of Miss Canbee'sseminary mates, and coming to my ears after my safe arrival atFernbridge, to the effect that this young gentleman was not MissCanbee's cousin and nowise related to her; for, as I clearly pointed outto Miss Waddleton on the occasion when she recounted the story to me, ifhe were not her cousin, how could she have known him when they met inParis and why should he have been willing to act on her intercessions?He was her cousin--I reaffirm it!

He had come. He was now here. I repeat the former declaratoryexclamation--I was saved!

Mister President, the story is done. You now know all--or nearly all. With a line I dispose of the release from custody of the writer and ofZeno the Great, following suitable explanations carried on with the aidof Miss Canbee's cousin. With another line--to wit, this one--I passover my affecting reunion that night at Calais with my eight young-ladycharges; as also the details of our return to England's friendly shores, of our meeting with Miss Primleigh, of our immediate departure bysteamer for our own dear land, and finally of our reception atFernbridge, in which I was unable to participate in person by reason ofthe shattered state of my nerves. 

And now, sir, having placed before you the facts, with all thedetermination of which I am capable I reiterate my earlier expresseddemand for condign official retribution on the heads of the personsculpably blamable for my harrowing misadventures, whoever and whereverthose persons may be. If you feel moved, also, to take up the matterwith Mr. Bryan personally, you have my permission to do so. 

Before concluding, I might add that a day or two since, as I casuallyperused the editorial columns of a daily journal published atPhiladelphia, Pennsylvania, I chanced on a delineation of Mr. Bryan, depicting him in sweeping white robes, with a broad smile on his face, and holding in one outstretched hand a brimming cup, flagon or beaker, labelled as containing a purely nonalcoholic beverage; while on hisshoulder nestled a dove, signifying Peace. I have taken the liberty offorwarding a copy of this communication to the artist responsible forthat pictured tribute, in order that he, too, may know our formerSecretary of State in his true light, and in the hope that he--theartist--shall in future cease to employ his talents in extolling one whoso signally failed to give heed to one's appeals in the most criticalperiod of one's existence. 

 I remain, sir, Your most obedient servant, ROSCOE T. FIBBLE, D. D. 

P. S. : Since penning the above, my attention has been directed to thefact that the picture in the aforesaid Philadelphia paper was intendedfor a caricature--or, as the cant phrase goes, a cartoon--its intentbeing to cast gentle ridicule on the policies of the man Bryan. I have, therefore, addressed a supplementary line to the artist, complimentingand commending him in the highest terms. FIBBLE. 

_PART THREE_

_Being a Series of Extracts Culled from the Diary of Dr. Fibble. _

_Lover's Leap_

APRIL THE THIRD. --Good morning, Friend Quarto! The foregoing line, whichI have but this moment inscribed in a fair hand upon the first ruledpage immediately succeeding the flyleaf of this neat russet-clad volume, marks the beginning of a new and--what I trust me shall prove--acongenial enterprise. This, therefore, is in the nature of a dedication, none the less significant because privately conducted. I am to-dayinaugurating a diary or, as some would say, a journal of my daily life. 

For long I have contemplated such an undertaking, but in the press ofother matters delayed making a start, as so often one will. Procrastination--ah, what a graceless rogue are you! But upon the eveof yesterday, shortly before evensong, as I was passing adown the mainstreet of this quaint and quiet village of Lover's Leap, situate in thewestern part of the state of New Jersey, I chanced to pause before theshop of the Messrs. Bumpass Brothers, a merchandising establishment forthe purveying of stationery, sweetmeats, souvenirs and such likecommodities and much in favour among the student body of our belovedFernbridge Seminary for Young Ladies. In the show window, displayed incompany with other articles of varied character and description, Ibeheld this book, which seemed so exactly suited and devised to mypurposes. Without delay, therefore, I entered in and from Mr. SelimBumpass, the younger member of this firm of tradeworthy tradesmen, Iprocured it at a cost of ninety cents, and here and now I devote you, little bookling, to your future usages. 

I count this an auspicious occasion, ushering, as it does, into theplacid currents of my existence what at once shall be a new pleasure anda new duty. Nightly when the toils of the hour are done and darknesshas drawn her curtains about the world I, seated in the cloisteredseclusion of my rooms, shall enter herein a more or less completesummary of the principal events of the day that is done. 

When this volume is quite filled up I shall purchase yet another, andthus it shall be in the years to come that in leisure moments I may takedown from my shelves one of my accumulated store of diaries and, openingit at random, refresh the wearied faculties with memories of bygoneevents, past trials, half-forgotten triumphs, et cetera, et cetera. Infancy I behold myself, with the light of retrospection beaming in myeye, glancing up from the written leaf and to myself murmuring: "Fibble, upon such a date in the long ago you did thus and so, you visited thisor that spot of interest, you had profitable converse with such and sucha person. " How inspiring the prospect; how profitable may be the outcomeof the labour required!

With this brief foreword I now put you aside, little diary, meaning toseek your company again ere the hour of retiring has arrived. So be ofgood cheer and grow not impatient through the long hours, for anon Ishall return. 

Ten-forty-five P. M. Of even date; to wit, April the third. --True to mypromise, here I am, pen in hand and finger at brow. It augurs well thatI should have launched this undertaking upon this particular day. Forscarce had I left my study this morning when an occurrence came to passwhich I deem to have been of more than passing interest and proper, therefore, to be set forth in some amplitude of detail. At facultymeeting, following chapel, our principal and president, Miss Waddleton, announced to us that a new member had been added to our little band. Continuing in this strain, she explained that a young person, until nowa stranger to us all, had been engaged for the position of athleticinstructor made vacant by the recent and regrettable resignation of MissEleanor Scuppers. With these words she presented Miss Scuppers'successor in the person of a Miss Hildegarde Hamm. Mutual introductionsfollowed. 

During the ceremonial I had abundant opportunity to observe this MissHamm with a polite but searching scrutiny. I cannot deny that she israther of a personable aspect, but, in all charity and forbearance offinal judgment, I foresee she may prove a discordant factor, adisturbing element in our little circle. I go further than that. If Imay permit myself to indulge in language verging almost upon theindelicate, when employed with reference to the other or gentler sex, she has about her a certain air of hoydenish and robustious buoyancywhich, I fear me, will but ill conform to the traditions of dearFernbridge and the soothed and refining spirit ever maintained by theinstructor body of our beloved seminary. 

Subconsciously I felt wincingly the grasp of her hand as I exchangedwith her the customary salutations the while I murmured a few words ofperfunctory welcome. Her clasp was almost masculine in its firmness andpressure--much more vehement than the one which I myself exert uponoccasions of greeting. But since I, as occupant of the chair ofastronomy and ancient and modern history, shall probably be thrown indirect contact with our new coworker but little, I anticipate nopersonal embarrassments, albeit I shall endeavour to hold her at adistance, ever and always maintaining between us a barrier of courteousaloofness. It is the effect upon our institution as a whole that Iregard with forebodings. 

In a brief period of speech with Miss Primleigh, our mathematicsteacher, which ensued in a corridor subsequent to Miss Hamm's inductioninto the faculty, I gathered that Miss Primleigh, who is of a mostdiscerning turn of mind, shared with me these apprehensions. Also Igleaned from Miss Primleigh certain salient facts concerning ouryouthful confrère. It would seem Miss Hamm is a person of independentmeans. Being quite completely orphaned as a direct consequence of thedeath of both of her immediate parents, she resides in the household ofher uncle, a Mr. Hector Hamm, who recently moved into the community fromthe state of Maryland. Likewise being addicted to physical exertions intheir more ardent form, she has associated herself with us rather forthe opportunity of exercising her tastes in this direction than for thesake of any financial honorarium or, as some would put it, remunerationof salary. At least such was Miss Primleigh's information, shevolunteering the added statement that in her opinion Miss Hamm was aforward piece. From the inflection of Miss Primleigh's voice at thisjuncture, coupled with her manner, I am constrained to believe this termof designation is not to be taken as implying a compliment, but, on thecontrary, the approximate reverse. 

Good night, diary. I shall now retire. 

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APRIL THE SEVENTH. --A certain salubriousness was to-day manifest in theair, indicative of the passing of winter and the on-coming of spring. After some cogitation of the subject, I decided this morning uponarising to doff my heavier undervestments--that is, union suitings--forgarments of less irksome weight and texture. This I did. 

I recall nothing else of importance transpiring upon this date which isworthy of being recorded, except that, in the course of a short walkthis afternoon, I came upon a half unfolded specimen of _Violacucullata_--or, to use the vulgar appellation, common blueviolet--pushing its way through the leafy mould and mildew of thewinter's accumulation. I made this discovery in a spinney, or copse, near a small tarn some half mile to the eastward of Fernbridge'sprecincts. I am aware that the resident populace hereabout customarilyrefer to this spot as the wet woods back of Whitney's Bog, but Iinfinitely prefer the English phraseology as more euphonious and at thesame time more poetic. With all due gentleness I uprooted _Violacucullata_ from its place in the boscage and, after it has been suitablypressed, I mean to add it to my collection of the fauna indigenous tothe soil of Western New Jersey, not because of its rarity, for it is, poor thing, but a common enough growth, but because of its having beenthe first tender harbinger of the budding year which has come directlyto my attention. I shall botanize extensively this year. For with me tobotanize is one of the dearest of pursuits, amounting to a veritablepassion. 

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APRIL THE EIGHTH. --Blank; no entries. 

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APRIL THE NINTH. --Also blank. 

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APRIL THE TENTH. --It is illness and not a disinclination to pursue myself-appointed task of preserving this repository of my thoughts anddeeds which for the past two days has kept me from you, friend diary. Asa consequence of venturing abroad upon the seventh instant without myheavy undergarments and likewise without galoshes, having been deceivedinto committing these indiscretions by a false and treacherous mildnessof atmospheric conditions leading to the assumption that the vernalseason had come or was impending--a circumstance already described someparagraphs back--I found myself upon the morn following to be the victimof a severe cold, complicated with quinsy or sore throat. I have eversince been confined to my room, if not to my couch, in an acutelyindisposed state, endeavouring to rid myself of these impairments byrecourse to a great variety of panaceas applied both internally andotherwise. Not until the present moment have I felt qualified, eithermentally or bodily, to address myself to the labour of literarycomposition. Indeed, what with trying this vaunted cure or that--now agargle, now a foot bath in water heated well nigh to boiling, now a hotlemonade, and again a bolus, a lotion or a liniment--I have had no timefor writing, even if so inclined. 

I am struck by the interesting fact that when one is ill of a coldpractically every one with whom one comes in contact has a favouritesuggestion for relieving one of one's symptoms. Scarce a member of thefaculty these two days but has prescribed this or that thing, each inturn extolling the virtues of her own remedy and at the same timevigorously decrying the merits of all others whatsoever. To avoidshowing favouritism and to guard against giving offence in any quarter, for such is my nature, I have faithfully endeavoured to accept theadvice and obey the injunction of each and every well wisher, with oneexception. I shall refer to that exception in another moment. 

To-night I am greatly improved, although weakened. In fact, I shouldalmost entirely be my former self were it not for a blistered conditionof the throat, a pronounced tenderness of the feet, and an inflamed areaof the cutaneous covering of the bosom--the first due, I think, toswallowing an overhot lemonade, the second to the constancy with which Iresorted to foot bathing, while the third indubitably may be ascribed tothe after effects of an oil of great potency and pronounced odour whichMiss Waddleton with her own hands bestowed upon me and with which Ianointed that particular portion of my anatomy at half-hourly intervals. 

To-night these quarters are quite oppressively redolent of thecommingled scents of drugs, unguents and ointments. But in view of thesharpness of the evening I shall for the time forbear to air mychambers. Nor, as I do now most solemnly pledge myself, shall I againventure forth unless suitably fortified and safeguarded against theuncertainties of our northern climate, until the springtime is welladvanced and a reasonable continuation of balmy conditions is assured. 

The exception to which I referred in a preceding paragraph was noneother than Miss Hamm, the newest member of our faculty. Actuated, Ihope, by kindly motives, she called this afternoon, finding me indressing gown and slippers, prone upon the couch in my study, at my sidea table laden with bottles and in my hand an atomiser, with which atevery convenient pause in the conversation I assiduously sprayed themore remote recesses of the throat and the nose. Upon entering she wasgood enough to enquire regarding my progress toward recovery and I, replying, launched upon a somewhat lengthy description of the nature ofthe malady, meaning in time to come to an enumeration of the varioussucceeding stages of convalescence. In the midst of this she cut meshort with the brusque and abrupt remark that if I threw all themedicines out of the window and put on my things and went for a longwalk I should feel a lot better in less than no time at all--suchsubstantially being her language as I recall it. 

Between inhalations of the fluid contents of the atomiser I replied, stating in effect that the fact of my having taken a walk wasresponsible in no small measure for my present depleted state. NaturallyI made no mention of a certain contributory factor--namely, the unwiseand hasty step taken by me with regard to undergarments. I went on tosay that in no event, even though so inclined--a thing in itselfinconceivable--would I harbour the impulse to cast from my casements theaccumulation of vials, pill boxes, et cetera, with which I had beenprovided by my friends, since inevitably the result would be to litterthe lawn without, thereby detracting from the kempt and seemly aspect ofour beloved institution, of which we who have learned to venerate andcherish Fernbridge Seminary are justly so proud. Upon this point I spokewith especial firmness. Perhaps it was the manner of my administeringthis gentle but deserved rebuke--or possibly the words in which Icouched my chidings--at any rate she endeavoured to conceal thediscomfiture she must have felt beneath an outburst of laughter ere shewithdrew, leaving me to welcome solitude and my throat douche. 

How different was the attitude of Miss Primleigh when she came to offerher ministrations--all sympathy, all understanding, all solicitude! Itis to Miss Primleigh that I stand at this hour indebted for the loan ofthe atomiser. She assures me that she has ever found it mostefficacious, and I, too, have found it so, although I admit the use ofit tends to produce a tickling sensation to membranes already madesensitive by other applications. 

 * * * * *

APRIL THE ELEVENTH. --Am entirely restored to normal well being exceptfor a stoppage of the upper nasal region which at times provesannoying--I might even say vexatious. The inflammation of the throathaving subsided, I derived much comfort this afternoon from imbibingtea; being the first time, in the scope of half a week, when tea hashad its proper zest and flavour. 

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APRIL THE TWELFTH. --Returned to classroom duties, taking up, in thehistory course, the life and works of Marcus Aurelius, a character forwhom I have ever entertained the liveliest sentiments of regard andrespect, for did he not, in an age of licentiousness and loose living, deport himself with such rectitude as to entitle him to the encomiumsand the plaudits of all right-thinking persons forever thereafter?

Otherwise, nothing noteworthy upon this day and date. 

 * * * * *

APRIL THE THIRTEENTH. --I went abroad to-day for the first time since myrecent indisposition, taking the precaution first to well muffle myselfas to throat, wrists and pedal extremities. For my associate in thepleasures of pedestrianism I had Miss Primleigh, from whose company Ihave ever derived a certain calm and philosophic enjoyment. In a way, one might say Miss Primleigh is almost purely intellect. The qualitiesof her mind shine forth, as it were, through her earthly tenement;rendering her in truth a most admirable companion. 

In the progress of our peregrinations over hill and vale, I gatheredseveral desirable specimens for my botanical collection. Miss Primleigh, whose turn of thought even in her lighter moments is essentiallymathematical, as befitting one of her chosen calling in life, spent sometime pleasantly, and I dare say profitably, in calculating by mentalarithmetic the number of cubic yards of earth in the hillock known asPotts' Ridge. A delightful and congenial outing was jointly shared. 

Sauntering slowly along, we had wended our meandering course homeward, or perhaps I should say schoolward, and had reached a small byway, knownlocally as Locust Lane, when there came to our ears a sound of joyousvoices and a clattering of nimble hoofs mingling together. Almostinstantly a merry cavalcade swept into view round a turn in the path. Itwas composed of a number, perhaps six in all, of our young ladystudents, taking a lesson in horseback riding under the tutelage ofMiss Hamm, the young person previously mentioned in these chronicles. She--I speak now with reference to Miss Hamm--led the procession, mounted upon a mettlesome steed and attired in a costume including ashort coat, boots, and bifurcated garments of a close-fitting nature. Her hair, beneath a stiff hat such as I myself customarily wear, wasbraided in heavy coils. As might be expected, she rode, as the sayinggoes, astride, evincing great adeptness for this form of exercise, whichhas been described to me as being healthful in the extreme, although Ishould denominate it as bordering upon the dangerous, unless the equineone chose for one's use was more docile than so frequently appears to bethe case. 

As the party dashed by us with appropriate salutations, to which Ireplied in kind, I was suddenly impressed by a grace of movement--orshall I call it a jaunty abandon?--in Miss Hamm's bearing, aspect andgeneral demeanour. To the casual eye the effect of this was far frombeing displeasing. I was about to venture as much to Miss Primleigh andhad, in fact, cleared my throat as a preliminary to making thestatement, when she broke in, speaking in a tone of severity. I quoteher:

"You needn't say it, Doctor Fibble--I know exactly how you feel, beforeyou speak a word. And I agree with you perfectly in all that you think. Didn't I tell you that creature was a forward piece? Did you see how thelittle minx was dressed? Did you see how she carried herself? If we bothlive to be a thousand years old you'll never catch me wearing suchclothes!"

I nodded in a noncommittal fashion, not caring at the moment to takeissue with Miss Primleigh. Arguments I detest. If she chose tomisinterpret my sentiments, so be it then. I shall, however, add herethat while my own opinion of the matter was not absolutely in accordwith the burden of Miss Primleigh's criticisms, there was one pointbrought out by her in her remarks upon which I could not conscientiouslytake issue with her. To paraphrase her own words, I believe I should notcare ever to catch Miss Primleigh costumed as Miss Hamm was. Inconfidence I may confide to my diary that I do not believe the formerwould appear to the best advantage in such habiliments as I have brieflytouched upon, she being of a somewhat angular physical conformation, although not until now do I recall having been cognisant of this fact. 

To-night, sitting here, the picture of Miss Hamm upon horseback persistsin the retina of my brain as a far from unseemly vision. One is moved towonder that a circumstance so trivial should linger in one's mind. Howtruly has it been said that the vagaries of the human imagination arepast divining. 

 * * * * *

APRIL THE SEVENTEENTH. --Shortly after three P. M. Of this day, followingthe dismissal of my class in astronomy, I accidentally stepped into thegymnasium hall. I cannot account for so doing, unless it be upon theground that my thoughts still dwelt upon those heavenly bodies withwhose wonders I had for hours been concerned to the exclusion of allother considerations of whatsoever nature. In this state ofabsent-mindedness I discovered myself standing outside the door of thelarge room devoted to the physical exercises. My hand, obeying amechanical impulse, turned the knob; pausing upon the threshold I beheldthe spectacle of Miss Hamm, directing a group of our juniors indumb-bell manipulation, all present--instructor and studentsalike--being costumed in the prescribed uniform of loose blouses andthose garments technically known, I believe, as bloomers. 

The sight of so many young persons, their faces intent, their mindsengrossed with each succeeding evolution of gesticulation, their bodiesswaying in unison, was an agreeable one. Entirely in a subconscious wayI observed that Miss Hamm's hair was not plaited up and confined to thehead with ribands, pins or other appliances in vogue among her sex, butdepended in loose and luxuriant masses about her face; I remarked itscolour--a chestnut brown--and a tendency upon its part to form intoringlets when unconfined, the resultant effect being somewhatattractive. At the moment of my entrance her side face was presented tome; a piquant and comely profile I should term it, without professing inthe least to have judgment in such matters. 

Presently discovering that an intruder had appeared upon the scene, shepaused in her work of directing her class and, turning toward me, inquired whether there was anything I desired. Having no excuse toaccount for my presence, I stated that I had mistaken the door and, briefly begging her pardon for having interrupted her, I withdrew. LaterI found myself striving with a vague and unaccountable desire to returnand witness more of the dumb-bell evolutions. 

 * * * * *

APRIL THE EIGHTEENTH. --A strange lassitude besets me. I first discernedit this forenoon soon after the burden of the school day was taken up. Amarked disinclination for the prescribed routine of classroom and studyhall appears to be one of its most pronounced manifestations. I amstrangely distraught; preoccupied with truant and wandering thoughtshaving no bearing upon the task in hand. 

Seeking to throw off these distractions, I quite casually dropped intothe gymnasium. It was empty. Upon finding it so, a small sense ofdisappointment beset me. I then went for a walk, trusting to the softand gentle influences of out-of-doors to dispel the meaninglessvapourings which beset my consciousness. My wandering feet automaticallycarried me to Locust Lane, where for some time I lingered in idleness. 

The class in horseback riding did not pass, as once before. Presumablyour young equestriennes, if abroad, had taken some other direction. Inpensive thought not untinctured with a fleeting depression, I returnedat dusk, hoping with books to cure myself of the bewilderments of thisday. 

An hour agone I took up a volume of Tasso. Than Tasso in the originalLatin, I know of no writer whose works are better fitted for perusalduring an hour of relaxation. But Tasso was dull to-night. The printedpage was before my eyes, but my thoughts sped off in tangents to dwellupon the birds, the trees, the flowers. The thought of flowerssuggested my botanical collection and to it I turned. But it, too, hadlost its zest. 

It must be that this mental preoccupation has a physical side. Beyondperadventure the lassitude of spring is upon me. I shall take a toniccompounded according to a formula popular for many generations in myfamily and much favoured by my sole surviving relative, Great-AuntPaulina, now residing at an advanced age, but with faculties unimpaired, in the city of Hartford, Connecticut. Haply I have a bottle of thissovereign concoction by me, Great-Aunt Paulina having sent it by parcelpost no longer ago than last week. I shall take it as designated by herin the letter accompanying the timely gift--a large dessert-spoonfulthree times daily before meals. 

 * * * * *

APRIL THE TWENTY-FIRST. --Have been taking my tonic regularly butapparently without deriving beneficial results. Its especial purpose isfor the thinning of the blood. Assuredly though, if my blood has beenappreciably thinned my mental attitude remains unchanged. Perversely Icontinue to be the subject of contradictory and conflicting moodsimpossible to understand and difficult to describe. Certainly I havenever been in this state before. Query: Can it be I am upon the verge ofa serious disorder? Temporary exaltation succeeds melancholy, and viceversa. On two separate occasions to-day I was aware of thisphenomenon--a passing sense of exuberance and cheerfulness, shortlyafterward followed by a morbid and gloom-tinged longing for I know notwhat. 

This serves to remind me that twice to-day I had conversations of briefduration with Miss Hamm. The first meeting was by chance, we merelyexchanging commonplaces touching upon our respective fields of activityhere at Fernbridge; but the second eventuated through deliberate intenton my part. With premeditation I put myself in her path. My motive forso doing was, I trust, based upon unselfishness entirely. I had formedan early and perhaps a hasty estimate of this young woman's nature. Iwished either to convince myself absolutely upon these points or todisabuse my mind of all prejudice. 

I am glad I took this step. For I am constrained now to admit that myfirst impression of Miss Hamm's personality may have done her aninjustice. With what care should one guard oneself against o'erreadyappraisals of the characters of one's fellow beings!

It is not to be gainsaid that Miss Hamm lends to our institution apicturesqueness of outward aspect as well as a light-heartedness and abuoyancy of viewpoint which heretofore has been quite utterly lackingamong our instructor corps. Despite a pronounced tendency betrayed byher to give to serious subjects a perplexingly light and roguish twist, an inclination, as it were, to make chaff, to banter, to indulge in idlewhimsicalities, I think I discern in her indubitable qualities of mindwhich, properly guided and directed by some older person having her bestinterests at heart, may be productive in time of development andexpansion into higher realms of thought. 

I feel within me a desire to assist in the blossoming forth of what Iplainly discover to be this young person's real self. I shall not countas wasted the hours I may devote to this altruistic and disinterestedendeavour. My payment shall be the consciousness of a duty wellperformed--that and nothing more. Indeed, at this moment, as I inditethis pledge, speculation as to its outcome engenders in me an upliftingof the spirit which bodes well for the future fruitage of my ambition. 

In such mood was I when, shortly having quitted the company of MissHamm, I met Miss Primleigh. She suggested another excursion into thewildwood. Upon plea of a slight indisposition, but without explainingits symptoms, I excused myself and continued upon my way. I felt that Ishould prefer for the nonce to be alone. I shall ever value myfriendship with Miss Primleigh as a great privilege, for in truth she isone of deep culture and profound mental attainments, but during the lastfew days I have several times detected myself in the act of wishing thatshe were not quite so statistical in her point of view and that herthoughts upon occasion might take a lighter trend than she evinces. Ihave even found myself desiring that to the eye she might present aplumper aspect, so to speak. For, in all charity, it is not to be deniedthat Miss Primleigh is what the world is pleased to callangular--painfully angular, I am afraid. Only to-day I noticed that herfeet were large, or at least the shoes she wore lent a suggestion as oflargeness. One owes it to oneself to make the best of one's personalappearance; this reflection came to me as I was turning away from MissPrimleigh. Possibly it is because she has failed to do so that I havefound her company, in a measure, palling upon me here of late. Or can itbe that spiritually I am outgrowing Miss Primleigh? I know not. I do butstate the actual fact. Yet always I shall esteem her most highly. 

To-night a sense of loneliness, a desire for the companionship of mykind, assails me. I can only opine that my blood is not thinning withthe desired celerity. Beginning to-morrow I shall take a largetablespoonful of the tonic before meals instead of a dessert-spoonful. 

A telephone was to-day installed in my study. Heretofore Fernbridge hasbeen connected with the outer world only by a single telephone placed inthe reception hall of our main building, but now, by Miss Waddleton'sdirection, each member of the faculty will hereafter enjoy the use of aseparate instrument. Thus, without the surrender of any of itstraditions, does Fernbridge keep abreast of the movements of thisworkaday world. 

I think of nothing else of moment. I seek repose. 

 * * * * *

APRIL THE TWENTY-SECOND. --A most annoying incident has marred the day. As I think back upon it, adding deduction to deduction, superimposingsurmise upon suspicion and suspicion in turn upon premise and fact, I amforced, against my very will, to conclude that, forgetting the dignitydue one in my position, some person or persons to me unknown made apartially successful attempt to enact a practical joke of the mostunpardonable character, having for a chosen victim none other thanmyself. I say partially successful, because at the moment when the plotapproached its climax a subtle inner sense warned me to have a care andI refused to proceed farther, thus robbing the perpetrator orperpetrators of the anticipated laugh at my expense. 

I shall set down the history of the entire affair. On yesterday, as Ihave stated, a telephone was duly installed within the precincts of mystudy. This forenoon I chanced to mention the matter to Miss Hamm whom, by a coincidence, I encountered as she was entering the seminarygrounds. Indeed as I recall, I spoke upon the topic to a number ofpersons, including fellow instructors and students, remarking upon theadded opportunities thus afforded for broadened intercourse through themedium of a device which has grown well-nigh indispensable to theconduct of our daily affairs. Some one--Miss Hamm as I remember, although it may have been another--was moved in this connection to askme whether the inspection department of the local exchange had made thecustomary tests of the instrument in my study, to which I replied in thenegative. 

But at five of the clock or thereabout, as I sat here enjoying therefreshing solace of tea and basking in the mild spring air wafted to methrough my opened windows, the telephone bell rang. Arising promptly, Iwent to where the instrument is affixed to the wall and responded to thecall in the conventional manner by placing the receiver to my ear, applying my lips to the transmitter and uttering the word "Halloa!"twice, or possibly thrice repeated. Over the wire then a female voicespoke, enquiring if this were Doctor Fibble? Upon my stating that suchwas the case, the voice said:

"Doctor, this is the inspection department. We wish to test yourtelephone. Will you be so kind as to help us?"

To which I responded:

"Willingly, if it lies within my power to render such assistance. "

"Thank you, " said the other. "Are you ready to begin?"

"Quite ready, " I said. 

"Very well then, " bade the voice. "Kindly stand back two feet from themouthpiece and say coo-coo three times, with a rising inflection on thefinal coo. "

The request appeared reasonable; accordingly I complied. 

"Splendid, " praised the unknown when I had concluded. "Now put yourmouth close up to the transmitter and do the same thing all over again, but slightly louder. "

No sooner requested than done. 

"Now stand two feet to the left of the phone and repeat. "

I repeated. 

"Now two feet to the right, please. "

Once more I obeyed. 

Then came this message:

"Doctor, have you a chair handy?"

I said a chair was at the moment within arm's reach of me. 

"Excellent, " said this person who professed to be in charge of the test. "Please draw the chair close up to the wall, climb upon it and, standingon tiptoe, say coo-coo clearly and distinctly and keep on saying ituntil I call out 'Enough. '"

[Illustration: "SAY COO-COO CLEARLY AND DISTINCTLY AND KEEP ON SAYING ITUNTIL I CALL OUT 'ENOUGH'"]

Marvelling that such a prolonged test should be deemed necessary, Inevertheless obliged by acting as instructed. I had repeated the wordfor what seemed to me an interminable space of time and was rapidlybecoming wearied by the exertion of maintaining the position requiredwhen the voice said "Enough. " I lost no time in dismounting to _terrafirma_, or rather the floor. 

"Thank you so much, " stated the unknown. "Just one more little test, doctor, and we'll be through. Have you a good singing voice?"

In proper modesty but with a due regard for the truth, I admitted thatalthough I never enjoyed the advantages of vocal culture, friends hadmore than once commented upon the quality of my voice when uplifted insong. 

"I sing tenor, " I amplified, for as yet I suspected nothing. 

"Very well then, " bade the stranger; "are you holding the receiver toyour ear?"

"I am. "

"Keep it there. And now stand on your head and sing 'Just as I amWithout One Plea. '"

I started back astounded. Instantly I divined, in a lightning flash ofintuition, that apparently an effort was being made to perpetrate ahoax. In the same moment I arrived at the definite conclusion that theobject of that hoax could be none other than myself. For a fleetingperiod my natural indignation was such that language almost failed me. 

Simultaneously I became aware of a sound as of suppressed laughteroutside my study window. Releasing my hold upon the receiver which, until then, mechanically I had retained in my grasp, I stepped to mycasement and peered out, first looking this way, then that. No one wasin sight; I must have fancied I heard something. 

When I had in part recovered myself I lost no time in calling up themanager of the exchange, my intent being to explain the entirecircumstance to him, with a view to demanding condign punishment of theperson in his inspection department, whoever she might be, who withwilful design had sought to debase the organisation of his office topurposes of ill-timed merrymaking. He cut me short to say he had no suchtesting department whatsoever. From his tone I was impelled to accepthis statement as a truthful one, all of which but served to confirm mysuspicions without in the least explaining the mystery which at thishour remains unsolved. I am puzzled--nay, more, I am nettled, and did Inot possess the power of holding my emotions under a well-nigh perfectcontrol, I would go so far as to say that I have been outrightirritated. 

 * * * * *

APRIL THE TWENTY-THIRD. --My earlier suspicions stand confirmed. To-day, as I was passing through a corridor of the main building, I twice heardthe word "coo-coo" repeated in a sibilant undertone. Spinning upon myheel, I detected a group of our seniors who with difficulty stifledtheir merriment; and I saw, too, Miss Hamm, her face illumined by asmile, with one hand upraised as though in gentle admonition of them. This helped to explain much. The raillery could not have been intendedfor me, since already I had passed on. Moreover, none here knows of theexperience through which I passed, and the _contretemps_ averted by myown presence of mind. Therefore, it is quite plain that the would-bejoker has been playing similar pranks upon others at Fernbridge. 

I wonder whether Miss Hamm herself could have been a victim of suchoutrageous imposition?

Botanized alone this afternoon, feeling strongly the desire forcongenial companionship. Why does this longing so frequently beset mewhen I go forth to commune with Nature in her gentler moods? I know not, unless it be the influence of the vernal season. 

Secured several desirable specimens. Returning through the gloaming Ifelt a desire to indulge in poetic composition, and did in fact composeseveral well-balanced lines, being finally balked by an inability torecall a word which would rhyme with a certain female name I had inmind. 

In its entirety a disappointing day, albeit not without its moments ofwhat I may term a softly soothing melancholy. 

 * * * * *

APRIL THE TWENTY-SIXTH. --Word came this morning that Miss Hamm wasconfined to her home in an ailing condition. As a member of the facultyand because of the interest I take in the prospective development ofthis young woman's character, I felt it my bounden duty to send her ashort note expressing my regret that she should be indisposed and mysincere hope that she may soon be restored to her customary health. Didso. Upon finishing the note an impulse to accompany it with a smallnosegay culled from my window box came upon me. Obeyed the impulse, noteand nosegay being despatched by special messenger to the home of heruncle. 

 * * * * *

APRIL THE TWENTY-SEVENTH. --Miss Hamm still absent from her post and noanswer forthcoming from my note of yesterday. 

Altogether a dismal and dispiriting day, several members of my historyclass evincing great stupidity during the lesson periods. 

To-night a threat of rain in the firmament, with clouds gathering and amurky twilight. Being of a nature more or less sensitive to atmosphericinfluences, I feel a corresponding gloominess. 

 * * * * *

APRIL THE TWENTY-EIGHTH. --A line of thanks in Miss Hamm's handwritingreceived; short but couched attractively, methought. Was particularlystruck by one-line phrase: "So very good of you to think of me!"

Weather clearing and promising!

 * * * * *

APRIL THE THIRTIETH. --Miss Hamm returned to her work betimes to-day, aslight but becoming pallor in her cheeks. Took occasion to congratulateher upon so speedy a recuperation, incidentally exchanging with hercomment upon contemporaneous events, not only within the scope of ourseminary life but in the great world at large. 

Rarely, if ever, do I recall a more beautiful sunset than the one ofcurrent date. Merely to behold the orb of day descending beyond thewestern horizon in all its magnificence of prismatic colouring wassufficient to awaken within one's bosom the desire to burst into song. 

Am reminded that the morrow will be May Day when, in the olden days inMerrie England, the happy populace were wont to frolic about the Maypole, to indulge in morris dances, to witness mummeries and mysteryplays. How great the pity that such pleasant customs should have falleninto misuse! I would they were revived here at Fernbridge! Fain would Imyself lend my energies and talents to such an undertaking. At least sodo I feel at this moment. 

Eleven-thirty-eight P. M. --Have arisen from my couch to jot down severalrhythmic lines which came to me subsequent to retirement; a continuationin spirit and theme of the verses which I began some days ago. However, the work still remains incomplete, for after much pondering I am unableto find a word rhyming to the word with which I had intended to concludethe composition. 

How euphonious to the ear and yet how unusual is the name Hildegarde! Iimagine that the difficulty of suitably rhyming it is the very reasonfor my having chosen it. 

 * * * * *

MAY THE SEVENTH. --To-day at faculty meeting Miss Primleigh evincedtoward me a marked coolness of demeanour and shortness of speech, forwhich I am totally unable to account. I cannot recall having givenoffence either by word or deed. Indeed, for a fortnight past I have beenso engrossed with other matters that barely have I spoken ten words toMiss Primleigh. 

To-night reread "A Dream of Fair Women, " by the late Lord Tennyson, finding everywhere in it new beauties, new meanings, which upon theoccasion of earlier readings had entirely escaped me. 

Found opportunity this afternoon to pay another of my little visits tothe gymnasium hall. Complimented Miss Hamm upon the indubitable progressmade by her disciples. I find these small casual calls upon variousdepartments of our work form agreeable interludes in the monotony of theday. 

Her hair is not chestnut brown; I was wrong there. It is of a rich, golden-reddish tint, a shade to which I am quite partial, especiallywhen observed in conjunction with large hazel eyes, as in the presentinstance. 

 * * * * *

MAY THE EIGHTH. --To-night, being minded to seek relaxation inliterature, I picked up my Tasso, but, soon tiring of the Latin, Iexchanged it for Shakspere's "Romeo and Juliet. " I am gratified that Imade this second choice, for from it has sprung an inspiration which mayprove fruitful. Hardly had I opened the latter volume when the idea, darting forth, so to speak, from the typed page, found congeniallodgment in my intelligence. 

It is our custom, upon the occasion of our annual commencement in June, to present a scene selected from the realms of classic drama, withmembers of the faculty and of the student body enacting the characters. Last year, by mine own suggestion, we presented an act of one of the oldGreek tragedies, I, as sponsor for the conception, rehearsing theperformers beforehand and upon the final day personally superintendingthe performance; stage managing it, as the cant term runs. Although Igave great pains and care to the production, it did not prove in allessential regards an unqualified success. The audience, made up offriends and patrons of Fernbridge and of townspeople, manifested towardthe last a regrettable lack of interest. Some betrayed impatience, somefitfully slumbered in their seats, some even laughed outright at periodsfraught with solemn meaning. One could but feel that one's efforts wentunappreciated. But scarce an hour ago, as I read sundry immortalpassages of the Bard, I said to myself:

"Why not offer this year, as our dramatic _pièce de resistance_, thebalcony scene from Romeo and Juliet? Happy thought! Why not indeed? Andnow tentatively to cast it?"

As one well qualified for the part, I naturally pictured myself asRomeo, clad appropriately in doublet, hose and feathered cap, butwithout my glasses. Casting about in my mind for a suitable Juliet, thename of Miss Hamm occurred to me. 

Reading from the book I proceeded to enact this most touching scene, alternately speaking in my own voice as Romeo and then imparting toJuliet's line a more dulcet tone and a softened inflection such as mycopartner in the rendition would employ. Carried away by the beauty ofthe thought, I had progressed as far as those exquisite lines--Juliet'slines in this instance:

 _O, swear not by the moon, th' inconstant moon, _ _That monthly changes in her circled orb, _ _Lest that thy love prove likewise variable--_

when I became cognisant that for some moments past an insistent rappingagainst the outer door of my rooms had been in progress, and then as Icame to a pause I heard through the keyhole the voice of Miss Tupper, our matron, inquiring whether anything serious was the matter. 

"I thought I heard somebody carrying on in there as though they might beraving or something?" she added in her inept fashion of speech. 

Much annoyed, I answered with some acerbity, bidding her kindly to begone. She withdrew, grumbling as she went. When I had assured myself, bya glance out of my door, that she had entirely departed, I undertook toproceed with the scene, but as a consequence of this untowardinterruption was quite out of spirit with the thing. 

However, I am still greatly attracted to the idea, and on the morrow Imean to take advantage of suitable opportunity to address Miss Hamm uponthe project with a view to enlisting her sympathies and co-operation, asno doubt I shall succeed in doing. My powers of persuasion frequentlyhave been the subject of compliment. 

Finished the bottle of Great-Aunt Paulina's blood tonic this evening. Shall not have the prescription renewed as originally contemplated. Diverting thoughts appear to be succeeding where herbs and simplesfailed. 

 * * * * *

MAY THE NINTH. --This forenoon upon my broaching the topic of ourprospective coappearance in the annual commencement entertainment, subject, of course, to Miss Waddleton's approval, I found, as I hadanticipated would be the case, that Miss Hamm was quite thoroughly inaccord with the proposition. However, at the outset she misunderstoodone point. Plainly it was her idea that she, in mediæval masculineattire, was to essay the rôle of Romeo. She asked who was to be Julietto her Romeo. When I had corrected her in this error, explaining theproposed bestowal of the rôles--she as Juliet upon the balcony, I asRomeo upon the stage below--she seemed quite overcome withgratification, managing, however, in part to cloak her feelings beneathsmiles and laughter. 

I then voiced the suggestion that I should be very glad indeed to callupon her some evening in the near future at her home, there to outlinethe plans more fully. Pleased that she should so freely welcome thisadvance upon my part, I was moved to suggest the present evening as asuitable time for calling. But she, it appeared, had an engagement forthis evening, and we then fixed upon to-morrow evening at eight o'clock. 

To-night I find myself looking forward with pleasurable anticipation, not unmixed with impatience, to this hour twenty-four hours hence. Ishall wear a new suit which this day, by a fortunate chance, came frommy tailor. It is of a light grey tone, a deviation from the black whichuniformly I have worn for some years past. 

Before retiring I shall again rehearse the balcony scene, but this time, in a low key, to preclude eavesdropping. 

I wonder what the nature of Miss Hamm's engagement for the currentevening may be?

 * * * * *

MAY THE TENTH. --The hour is eleven and I have but just returned from avisit of several hours' duration to the home of Miss Hamm's uncle, ofwhich domicile she seems to be the light and the joy. Excludingherself--and this I would be the last to do--the only member of thehousehold, save and except domestic servants, is her uncle andguardian, Mr. Hector Hamm, a widower by reason of death's ravages and aretired business man of apparent affluent circumstances. This gentleman, it developed, is much given to the sports of the chase. His study, intowhich I was first introduced upon arriving at his domicile shortlybefore seven-forty-five, abounds in trophies of his marksmanship, thewalls upon every hand being adorned with the stuffed forms and mountedheads of birds and animals, testifying not only to his prowess afieldbut to the art preservative as exercised by the skilled taxidermist. Miss Hamm, in her quaint way, spoke of the uncle as an old dear, butaccused him of wasting all his money in the buying of new firearms. Itwould appear that no sooner does he behold an advertisement touchingupon a new and improved variety of fowling piece than he is actuated byan overmastering desire to become its possessor. Strange fancy!

Mr. Hamm is likewise the owner of a number of members of the caninekingdom, all of them, I should assume, being docile beasts and wellmeaning enough, but with an unpleasant habit of sniffing at the calvesof the legs of strangers the while emitting low ominous growling sounds. Possibly detecting in me some natural apprehension consequent upon thestealthy approach of one of these pets, Mr. Hamm hastened to inform methat they rarely bit any one unless they took an instinctive dislike tohim at the moment of meeting. As I drew my limbs well under me, since itseemed it was my legs which especially aggravated the creature, meanwhile uttering such soothing remarks as "Good doggie" and "Nice oldPonto, " I could scarce refrain from remarking that if one felt thedesire for the presence of dumb creatures about one, why did not onechoose a cat, of which at least it may be said that its habits arerestful and its customary mien without menace to the humans with whom itmay be thrown in contact?

Presently the uncle withdrew from our society, to my relief taking withhim his pack, whereupon Miss Hamm and I repaired to the parlouradjacent, where a most delightful evening was had. Miss Hamm'sconversation, even though marked by a levity not at all times in keepingwith the nature of the subject under discussion, is, I find, sprightlyand diverting in the extreme. All in all, time passed most swiftly. Asuitable hour of departure had arrived before I remembered that I hadaltogether failed to bring up the topic which was the occasion of myvisit--to wit, our prospective part in the commencement entertainment. 

Accordingly I arranged to call again to-morrow evening. 

 * * * * *

MAY THE SIXTEENTH. --As per my custom of late I spent the evening at theresidence of Mr. Hamm; the time being devoted to the pleasures ofconversation, riddles, anagrams--at which I am adept--interchange ofviews upon current events, et cetera, et cetera. 

Reviewing recent events here in my study as the hour of midnight drawson apace, I own frankly to an ever-deepening interest in this youngwoman. There are moments when I feel strangely drawn to her; momentswhen her society exhilarates me as does nothing else. 

How marvellous, how incomprehensible are the workings of themanifestations of the human imagination! Consider the differences in ourmodes of life, our fashions of speech, our habits! I refer of course toMiss Hamm and myself. I am sedentary in nature and utterly withoutsentimental leanings--I use the word sentimental in its most respectfulsense--toward members of the opposite sex; I am wedded to my profession, devoted to the life of a scholar, while she, upon the other hand, isardent and exuberant in temperament, frolicsome, blithe, at times almostfrivolous in conversation, given to all forms of outdoor sport, filledwith youthful dreams. Consider, too, the disparity in our respectiveages, she being, as I am informed by her in a burst of youthfulconfidence, still in her twenty-second year, while I shall be forty uponmy next birthday, come Michaelmas. 

Yet, despite all this, the fact remains that frequently I feel alonging, amounting almost to a yearning, for her company. Undoubtedlythe explanation lies in my increasing desire to develop, by precept, byproverb and by admonition, the higher side of her nature. Moreover, itis to me evident that this intercourse must prove mutually helpful. Quite aside from the beneficial results to her, I myself derive, fromthese friendly and purely altruistic endeavours of mine, a glow ofintense satisfaction. How true it is that a worthy deed ofttimes carrieswith it its own reward!

 * * * * *

MAY THE SEVENTEENTH. --I have decided to take up horseback riding. MissHamm is fond of horseback riding. 

However, I have not informed her of the decision at which I havearrived. It is my intention to prosecute my lessons in private at theestablishment of the village liveryman and then, when I have fullymastered the art, I shall some day appear before her, properly accoutredand attired, bestriding a mettlesome charger. I picture her astonishmentand her delight at thus beholding me in my new rôle of a finished andadept equestrian. In order to confer a pleasant surprise upon one'sfriends, I feel that I would go farther even than this. Indeed, a desireto do valiant and heroic deeds, to rescue imperilled ones from burningbuildings or from floods, to perform acts of foolhardiness and daringupon the field of carnage, has often stirred within me here of late. Istruggle with these impulses, which heretofore have been foreign to mybeing, yet at the same time would welcome opportunity to vent them. However, all things in their proper order and one thing at a time. Ishall begin by becoming an accomplished horseman. 

In anticipation of such an achievement I feel, as it were, youthful--infact, almost boyish. After all, what matters a few years' difference inage as between friends? Is not one as young as one feels?

 * * * * *

MAY THE EIGHTEENTH. --Spent the evening at the Hamm residence as usual. 

A perfect day and a perfect evening, barring one small disappointment. Miss Waddleton vetoed my plans for the rendition of the balcony sceneat commencement next month. Yet I do not count as wasted the time spentin private rehearsals of the rôle of Romeo, but have, on the contrary, derived much joy from repeated conning of the speeches attributed to himby the Bard. At a time not far distant "Lear" was my favourite amongShakespeare's plays. Now I marvel that I should ever have preferred anyof his works to "Romeo and Juliet. "

 * * * * *

MAY THE TWENTY-SECOND. --After reflection extending over a period ofdays, I have abandoned my perhaps o'erhasty intention of taking uphorseback riding, my preliminary experiences in that direction havingbeen rather disagreeable as to the physical side. Even now, forty-eighthours after the initial lesson, I am still much bruised about the limbsand elsewhere and, because of a certain corporeal stiffness due torepeated jarrings, I walk with painful difficulty. 

Either I shall acquire the rudiments of this accomplishment fromstandard works upon the subject, or I shall bide my time until I mayavail myself of the services of an animal of a more docile nature thanthose available at the local liveryman's. His horses, it would appear, are subject to queer vagaries of conduct when under saddle, betraying anidiosyncrasy as to movement and a pronounced tendency to break intorapid gait without the approval or indeed the consent of the rider. 

My thoughts recur to the recreation of botanizing, which for a periodlost some of its savour for me. At least, botany is fraught with nopersonal discomforts. 

Called as usual this evening. Nightly our acquaintance ripens toward aperfect mutual understanding. 

This has indeed been a lovely spring!

 * * * * *

MAY THE TWENTY-THIRD. --It is with a sensation of more than passingannoyance that I record the events of this evening. At seven-fifteen, immediately after tea, I set forth for the Hamm residence, carryingunder my arm a book of verses intended for bestowal upon the youngchatelaine of that happy home, and much buoyed and uplifted byprospects of a period of agreeable divertisement spent in her society. But such was not to be. 

To begin with, the uncle consumed much valuable time in an interminabledissertation upon the merits of a new fowling piece which hecontemplates purchasing. One was thoroughly wearied of the subjectbefore he had the good taste to depart to his own special domain in theroom adjoining the parlour. Thereafter for a few minutes all passedwell. Miss Hamm accepted the gift of the book with expressions of deepgratitude. Her mood was one of whimsicality, into the spirit of which Ifound my self entering with hearty accord. Being a most capable mimic, she gave a spirited and life-like imitation of Miss Primleigh in the actof reprimanding a delinquent student. One could not well restrain one'slaughter at the aptitude with which she reproduced Miss Primleigh'sseverity of expression and somewhat acid quality of voice. One gatheredalso, from chance remarks let fall, that Miss Primleigh had latelytreated Miss Hamm with marked aversion bordering upon actualdiscourtesy. How any one, thrown in contact with her, could regard MissHamm with any feelings save those of admiration and respect is quitebeyond my comprehension. 

However, I contented myself by saying that Miss Primleigh had likewisedisplayed a coolness to me for some weeks past. "I wonder, " I said, continuing in this strain, "why this should be and why she shouldlikewise single you out as a recipient of her disapproval--or let us sayher disfavour?"

"Can't you guess?" said Miss Hamm, with an arch expression and apeculiar inflection in her words. Puzzled, I shook my head. 

At this juncture another interruption occurred. A caller in the personof a Mr. Pomeroy was announced by the maidservant. I had heard Miss Hammrefer to this person on divers preceding occasions and from the outsethad taken a dislike to the sound of his name. It would appear that heresides in the city of Baltimore, Maryland, and that he knew Miss Hammand her uncle ere their removal to these parts. It would appear alsothat he arrived here this afternoon with the avowed intention ofremaining several days in our peaceful community--why, though, I knownot, unless it be that perversely he would inflict himself upon a younglady who conceivably cannot possibly be interested in his society or inthe idle vapourings of his mind. 

Almost immediately this Mr. Pomeroy was ushered into our presence. Hisappearance, his demeanour, his entire ensemble, were such as to confirmin me the prejudice engendered against him e'en before I beheld him inthe flesh. His dress was of an extravagant and exaggerated style, andhis overly effusive manner of greeting Miss Hamm extremely distasteful, while his attitude toward me was one of flamboyant familiarity;altogether I should say a young man of forward tendencies, shallow, flippant, utterly lacking in the deeper and finer sensibilities whichever distinguish those of true culture, and utterly disregardful of theproper and ordained conventionalities. In conversation he is addicted tovain follies and meaningless witticisms, and his laughter, in which heis prone to indulge without due cause so far as I can note, has a mostgrating sound upon the ear. In short, I do not care for this young man;freely and frankly I confess it here. 

I had meant to stay on until he had betaken himself away, being mindedto have a few words in private with Miss Hamm touching upon MissPrimleigh's peculiar and inexplicable attitude toward us, but since hepersisted in remaining on and on, I, having a proper regard for theproprieties, was constrained shortly after eleven o'clock to depart. AsI was upon the point of going, he halted me, saying in effect:

"Doctor, you're a college professor--I want to ask you a scientificquestion and see if you can give me a scientific answer. "

"Pray proceed, " I said, smiling gently in Miss Hamm's direction. 

"Why, " he said, "is a mouse that spins?"

He then paused as though awaiting my reply, and when I confessed myselfunable to hazard an answer, or even to understand so peculiar aproblem, with a great discordant guffaw he said:

"Why, the higher, the fewer!"

Upon coming here I cogitated the matter deeply, but I am as yet far froma solution. Why is a mouse that spins? And if so, what does it spin?Patently the query is incomplete. And what possible bearing cancomparative altitude as contrasted with the comparative infrequency of aspecies have upon the peculiarities of a mouse addicted to spinning?

I shall now to bed, dismissing all thoughts of a certain boorishindividual from my mind. 

 * * * * *

MAY THE TWENTY-FOURTH. --He lingers on--the person Pomeroy. It developedthis forenoon that he had succeeded in extorting from Miss Hamm apromise to permit him to call this evening. I can only assume thatthrough goodness of heart and a desire to avoid wounding any one sheagain consented to receive him at her home. 

This afternoon, in thoughtful mood not untinged with vague repinings, myfootsteps carried me, unwittingly as it were, to that beetlingpromontory from which our peaceful hamlet derives its name. For long Istood upon the crest of that craggy eminence wherefrom, so traditiontells us, a noble young chieftain of the aborigines who once populatedthis locality, being despairful of winning the hand of a fair maid of aneighbouring but hostile tribe, flung himself in suicidal frenzy adownthe cliff to be dashed into minute fragments upon the cruel rocks below. Meditating upon the fate of this ill-starred red man, I communed withmine own inner consciousness. I asked myself the question: "Did you, Fibble, emulate the example of that despondent Indian youth and leapheadlong from this peak, who in all this careless world other than yourGreat-Aunt Paulina would bemoan your piteous end? Who would come toplace with reverent, sorrowing hands the tribute of a floral design suchas a Broken Column or a Gate Ajar upon your lowly bier? Ah, who indeed?"

It was with difficulty that I tore myself away from a spot whose historyso well accorded with the dismal trend of my thoughts. Presently, passing through a leafy lane leading back to the village, I espied atsome distance in advance of me a couple walking together and apparentlyengaged in engrossing conversation. A second glance served to inform methat one of the pair was Miss Hamm and the other the insufferablePomeroy. In a fit of petulance for which I am unable to account, unlessit be due to my displeasure that he should continue to press hisunwelcome attentions upon a young woman so immeasurably his superior, Idashed my eyeglasses upon the earth, thereby breaking the right lens. Yet I count the damage as naught, nor do I regret giving way to soviolent an exhibition of temper. 

To-night, finding the seclusion of my study dispiriting, I went forthupon a long and purposeless walk beneath the stars. Through chance Ifound myself, at or about eleven o'clock, in the vicinity of Mr. HectorHamm's place of residence. Aimlessly lingering here in the shadow of thetrees, I soon espied Pomeroy issuing from the gate of the residence andmaking off, whistling gaily as he went. He disappeared in the darkness, still whistling in a loud and vulgar manner. I could almost wish hemight be choked by his own whistling. As for myself, I never whistle. 

In this mood I have returned here to pen these lines. I fear me I shallsleep but ill the night, for distracting and gloomy thoughts racethrough my brain. I feel myself not to be myself. I wonder why?

 * * * * *

MAY THE TWENTY-FIFTH. --The odious Pomeroy has betaken himself hence. Quite by accident I happened to drop into our local hostelry, the BriggsHouse, this morning and ascertained by a purely cursory glance at theregister that he had paid his account and departed. I may only add thatI trust he sees his way clear to remaining away indefinitely or, betterstill, permanently. 

This is Sunday and I shall be engaged with our services. But uponto-morrow night, when it is my intention to resume my friendly visits tothe Hamm home, I mean to take an important step. For long I have beencogitating it and my mind is now firmly made up. As yet I have not fullymemorised the language in which I shall frame my request, but I haveconvinced myself that our acquaintanceship has now advanced to a pointwhere the liberty I would take is amply justified. I shall formally askMiss Hamm that in our hours of private communion together, if not inpublic, she call me Roscoe, while in return I mean, with her consent, toaddress her as Hildegarde. 

None need know of this excepting ourselves. It will be, as I conceive, asecret between us, a bond, a tie, as it were. 

Good night, small russet-clad confidante. Prithee be of good cheer! Whennext we meet perchance I may have happy news for you. 

 * * * * *

MAY THE TWENTY-SIXTH. --No entry. 

 * * * * *

MAY THE TWENTY-SEVENTH. --No entry. 

 * * * * *

MAY THE TWENTY-EIGHTH. --A terrible, a hideous, an inconceivablecatastrophe has descended upon the devoted head of Fibble!

With a fevered, tremulous hand, with one leg--to wit, the rightone--enclosed in a plaster cast, with a soul racked by remorse, by vainregrets and by direst apprehensions, I pen the above words. My brainseethes with incoherent thoughts, my very frame quivers with sufferingand with frightful forebodings. 'Tis with the utmost difficulty that Imanage to inscribe these piteous lines. Yet inscribe them I must andshall. Should the worst befall, should the dread hand of violence strikeme down ere I have succeeded in fleeing this perilous spot, thisconfession shall remain behind, a testimonial, to tell the world and_her_ that I perished a martyr upon the altars of unrequited affectionand to explain the innate purity of my motives, however far I may havefallen, in one rash moment of uncontrollable impulse, from the loftypinnacles of honour. Though I lie weltering in my gore, my lips foreverclosed, my hand forever stilled, the record shall endure to show that I, the disgraced and the deceased Fibble, would, from the confines of thesilent tomb, beg forgiveness for my criminal indiscretion. I shall writeall! My tears descending as I write bedew the sheet, and beneath myswimming eyes the lines waver, but in haste I write on, lest the slayerfind me before my final task be done. 

We were alone together. We were side by side. Upon a couch we sat inclose juxtaposition. The hour was approximately nine-thirty; the timetwo nights agone. I bent toward her, half whispering my words. With allthe fervour of which I am capable I told her I had a request to make ofher; told her that compliance with this request would have a bearingupon all our future communions, bringing us nearer to each other, forming a link between us. My executors will understand, after a perusalof the paragraphs immediately preceding, that I meant to ask her to callme Roscoe and in return to vouchsafe to me the boon and the privilege ofcalling her Hildegarde. 

Bending her head, she said, with that simple directness socharacteristic of her, "Go right ahead. " Suddenly I found her handintertwined in mine. I do not attempt to explain this phenomenon;indeed, I was not conscious of having sought to encompass her handwithin my own; I merely state it a verity. Her fingers pressed againstmine--or so to me it seemed. 

"Go right ahead, doctor, " she repeated. "I'm listening. "

The touch of her hand laid a spell upon me. Instantaneously all myforces of self-reserve were swept away. With the startling abruptness ofa bolt from the blue, realisation of a thing which I had never beforesuspected came full upon me, and for the first time I knew that forHildegarde Hamm I entertained a sentiment deeper than that of merefriendship--yes, far, far deeper. I knew that I cared for her; in short, I knew that I loved her. 

Madness was upon me--a delicious, an all-consuming fire burned withinme. I forgot that I was a guest beneath her roof, enjoying thehospitality of her beloved and revered relative. I forgot the meed ofrespect I owed to her, forgot the responsibilities imposed upon me. Iforgot all else except that I, Roscoe T. Fibble, loved Hildegarde Hamm. 

[Illustration: TO BE EXACT, I KISSED AT HER]

I became as the caveman, who by brute force would win his mate. I obeyeda primeval impulse. Without a word of warning, without excuse, withoutprefatory remark of any nature whatsoever, I acted:

I kissed her. To be exact, I kissed at her. 

For, in this moment fraught with such consequences to all concerned, sheaverted her head at yet a greater angle. The implant of the osculationwas destined for her cheek. It reached her nose--the tip of her noseonly. 

I do not plead this circumstance in partial extenuation. The intent hadbeen plain, the deed was consummated. I had practically kissed her. 

She leaped to her feet, as I to mine. Her eyes, alight with aninscrutable expression, looked into mine; her cheeks became diffusedwith the crimsoned glow of righteous indignation; her form wasconvulsed; she quivered from head to feet. For a moment this sceneendured. Then ere my lips, but lately contracted for the chaste butunbidden salute, could frame the first stammered syllable of anapology, she buried her ensanguined face in her hands, and hysteriaassailed her--a hysteria so acute and so violent that not tears but anoutburst resembling laughter--laughter wild, startling and mostdistressing to hear--came from her. She turned and dashed from the room. 

My heart paused in its quick beating. In one mad moment of indiscretionI had destroyed her confidence in me, had brought down in crashing ruinsmy hopes, my dreams, my new-found joy. 

I felt that I must go hence--that I must quit that domicile forever, andthe sooner the better. With my brain in a whirl, I looked about me formy hat and my umbrella. 

A loud and a compelling voice spoke behind me. I faced about. In thedoorway through which she had just fled stood a fearsome apparition. Itwas her uncle, that man so given to carnage among the beasts and birdsof the field, that unerring, that unfailing marksman. He was in hisshirt sleeves, his arms bared to his elbows. Upon his face was a fixedgrin of demoniac determination--the look of one who smiles even as heslays his prey. And in his hands--ah, dreadful final detail of thisdreadful picture--he held outstretched, extended and presented in mygeneral direction, a double-barrelled fowling piece, enormous in sizeand glittering with metal ornamentation. 

"Young man, " he cried out, "have one look at this!"

In times of the most extreme peril the thoughts clarify withinconceivable rapidity. In a flash I comprehended all. She had told himof the insult to her maidenly modesty, and for it he meant to have myheart's blood. I was about to become an extinct and bleeding corse. Butbefore he could raise the hideous instrument of death to his shoulder anexpedient occurred to me. I would save myself from slaughter andcoincidentally save him from the crime of dyeing his hands with the goreof a fellow being. A low window at the west side of the room, immediately adjacent to the couch whereon I had been seated, providentially stood open. I would leap from it and flee. Without amoment's hesitation I did so. 

In such emergencies one does not choose with care one's means of exit. One departs by the egress most convenient to one. As I plunged throughthe opening I remembered that a considerable distance intervened betweenthe window I had chosen and the sward below. Even as I bounded forthinto space I thought of this. But when one is in mid-air one does notturn back; a law of physics involving the relation of solid bodies tothe attraction of gravitation prevents. Nor did I indeed desire to turnback. My one desire was to go. I dropped and dropped, as though formiles. I struck with terrific force upon a grass-covered but hard andunyielding surface. A pang of agony, poignant in its intensity, dartedin an upward direction through my lower right limb and I droppedprostrate upon the earth. 

But now in the window above stood my would-be destroyer, a wild gleam inhis wide open eyes and that awful lethal object still in his grasp. Hiseyes roved this way and that into the darkness without, seeking to findthe victim. The light from behind shone full upon him. Thwarted for themoment tho' he had been, his purpose was all too plainly revealed. 

Heedless of the pain, I leaped to my feet and darted away into thesheltering night. Somehow, I know not how, I scaled the fence. There wasa gate, but what time had I to seek out gates? I staggered adown thestreet. I reached the corner below and there I fell, unable to proceedanother rod be the consequences what they might. Mercifulunconsciousness succeeded. I knew no more. 

When after a lapse I recovered my senses familiar objects surrounded me, and faces well known to me yet for the time wearing a strange aspect, bent over me. I remember my first words. 

"Where am I?" I uttered feebly, and would have started up had not thoseclose at hand restrained me with gentle force. 

I was in my own room. While my swoon continued Samaritans had borne mehither. Gentle hands soothed my brow; a physician was preparingwrappings for the injured limb, my right ankle being in a severelysprained state. I learned that I had been discovered lying mute andinsensible upon the public highway. My lineaments had been recognised;assistance had been summoned; I had been removed to my quarters; friendsnow ministered to me. One and all, they assumed that, walking in thedarkness, I had encountered some obstacle and, being thus injured, hadfallen unconscious. Weak as I was and incoherent though my thoughts, Idid not undeceive them. Nor have I yet done so. 

I sought to know more, but the physician bade me be silent. His taskcompleted, he administered a sleeping draught and anon I sank into deepslumber. 

That was the night of the day before yesterday. Upon yesterday and againthis morning I made fervent inquiry of my nurse as to whether any personother than those connected with Fernbridge had called. Each time I wastold that Mr. Hector Hamm had come to enquire regarding my condition andto express a desire to have private conversation with me at the veryearliest moment when I might receive visitors. Therefore, it is plainthat he has been here at least twice, but each time--oh, fortunatecircumstance--has been turned away from the door. 'Tis I and I alone whoknow his implacable object. His lust for vengeance is not assuaged. Hewill accept no defence, will pause not to hearken to my prayers formercy. Even now he may be lurking without seeking opportunity to destroyme utterly. 

Infirmity chains me to my couch, but when the injured limb may bear myweight I shall flee, even as the hind before the huntsman. Should Iescape I shall, in different surroundings far, far from here, take upanew the shattered threads of my existence, a broken-hearted wretch, seeking by good deeds done under an assumed name to atone for this, theone blot upon the fair escutcheon of my life. Should I fall before hisfatal aim this confession, written during the temporary absence of mynurse from the chamber of invalidism, will be found among mybelongings. 

Even though as I pen this, perchance my last declaration, I am strangelytorn between two all-consuming wishes. I desire above all things to begone ere it is too late. And yet above all things, I desire to lookagain upon the face of my adored one. But alas, that may not be! 'Twouldbe folly multiplied upon folly to dare attempt it. I cannot think uponher. I must think upon her uncle. 

Hildegarde, farewell, a long, a last, a fond farewell! I have sorelysinned, but 'twas for love of you! Adieu, adieu, all that I hold dear. 

 * * * * *

THREE HOURS LATER. --Oh, Little Diary! O Great Joy!

In a transport of delight I add this postscript. She has beenhere--Hildegarde--my Hildegarde. All is explained, all is atoned for. 

But an hour agone she came. She burst in upon me. Heedless of thepresence of others, she threw herself upon my breast. I found her armsentwined about me, my arms entwined about her. With her head hiddenupon my bosom, in sweet confusion, and with tears of thanksgivingcoursing adown her cheek, she made it clear to my understanding--oh, sosweetly clear--that I, most woefully, had been misled. As yet mydelighted intellect can scarce grasp the purport of her disclosures, butfrom the rest these salient, these soothing, these beautiful facts standout:

I was deceived. The kiss I would have impressed upon her countenance wasnot to her displeasing. Rather it was the circumstance of its beingmisdirected which caused her to be overcome, not with the hysteria ofindignation but with mirth. Why mirth at such a moment, I know not. Butare not the ways of a maiden past finding out?

Hurrying from my presence to stifle her laughter, she entered theadjoining room, to come upon her uncle engaged in the, to him, congenialoccupation of oiling a newly purchased firearm of augmented calibre. Awaggish inspiration leaped into her mind. It would appear by her ownadmissions that she has oft been given to the practice of practicaljoking; but because of the glorious consequences I find it in my heartto forgive her. 

"Uncle, " she said, "Doctor Fibble wants to see your new gun!"

With no murderous desires in his heart and actuated only bygratification and friendliness, he entered. Yet under the circumstances, how natural, how inevitable, that I should misread his expression andhis gesture, misinterpret his motives. I saw the window near by, offering a possible avenue of escape. I leaped. You, diary, and youalone, know what has ensued from that moment until now. 

But there is more to tell. She believed my limb was shattered--in fact, broken. She blamed me not at all; it was herself she blamed. Until shecould bear the separation no longer, she remained away. Thenimpetuously, remorsefully, lovingly she came. She loves me--she herselfhas told me so--Hildegarde loves me. And stranger still, she has knownfor weeks that I loved her, even though I myself remained in completeignorance of being in that enraptured state. How wonderful is woman'sintuition!

She has foresworn practical joking. We have exchanged vows. We haveplighted our troth. She is mine and I am hers. She has gone from me towin her uncle's consent and to invoke his blessing upon our banns. Soonshe will return to me. 

In her absence I fondly dwell upon her words. "Dearest, " she said, "youneed some one to take care of you. And I am going to take the job. "

Sweet child! In her confusion she twisted her meaning. She meant ofcourse that she had need of me to care for her. 

"And now, " she said a moment later, "and now I'm going to teach you howto kiss a girl. "

Under this head I shall say naught, except that she has taught me. Thereare things too sacred, too beautiful to be described in detail in thewritten word. Suffice it to say she has taught me!

And then she called me Fibbey. Oh, precious diminutive! Evermore I shallbe her Fibbey!

With one final statement I close this recital of the crowning chapter ofmy life. Our union is to be consummated at an early date in this dearspot. 

O well-named town of Lover's Leap, New Jersey. 

For I, too, have taken the lover's leap, not to death upon the cruelrocks but to happiness everlasting. 

Her Fibbey!

My Hildegarde!

 * * * * *

Transcriber's Notes:

Obvious punctation errors repaired. 

Varied spelling of Shakespeare-Shakspere was retained. 

Page 47, "acoutrements" changed to "accoutrements" (and otheraccoutrements)

Page 208, "primleigh" changed to "Primleigh" (Primleigh, ourmathematics)

Page 237, "Botanised" changed to "Botanized" to match rest of usage intext (Botanized alone this)

Page 251, "six" changed to "sex" (of the opposite sex)