EVERY MAN HIS OWN POET. EVERY MAN HIS OWN POET: OR, The Inspired Singer's Recipe Book. BY A NEWDIGATE PRIZEMAN. Nuper ventosa isthęc et enormis loquacitas animos juvenum ad magna surgentes veluti pestilenti quodam sidere afflavit. --PETRONIUS. Oxford: THOS. SHRIMPTON & SON, BROAD STREET. 1872. Transcriber's Note: Minor typographical errors have been corrected without note. A table of contents, though not present in the original publication, has been provided below: INTRODUCTION. OF THE NATURE OF POETRY. RECIPES. HOW TO MAKE AN ORDINARY LOVE POEM. HOW TO MAKE A PATHETIC MARINE POEM. HOW TO WRITE AN EPIC POEM LIKE MR. TENNYSON. HOW TO WRITE A POEM LIKE MR. MATTHEW ARNOLD. HOW TO WRITE A POEM LIKE MR. BROWNING. HOW TO WRITE A MODERN PRE-RAPHAELITE POEM. HOW TO WRITE A NARRATIVE POEM LIKE MR. MORRIS. HOW TO WRITE A SATANIC POEM LIKE THE LATE LORD BYRON. HOW TO WRITE A PATRIOTIC POEM LIKE MR. SWINBURNE. CONCLUSION. INTRODUCTION. To have attempted in former times a work of this description, would haveseemed, we cannot deny, to savour either of presumption or of idiotcy, or more probably of both. And rightly. But we live in times of progress. The mystery of yesterday is the common-place of to-day; the Bible, whichwas Newton's oracle, is Professor Huxley's jest-book; and students atthe University now lose a class for not being familiar with opinions, which but twenty years ago they would have been expelled for dreamingof. Everything is moving onward swiftly and satisfactorily; and if, whenwe have made all faiths fail, we can only contrive to silence theBritish Association, and so make all knowledge vanish away, there willlack nothing but the presence of a perfect charity to turn thenineteenth century into a complete kingdom of heaven. Amongst changes, then, so great and so hopeful--amongst the discoveries of the rights ofwomen, the infallibility of the Pope, and the physical basis of life, itmay well be doubted if the great fathers of ancient song would find, ifthey could come back to us, anything out of the way or ludicrous in arecipe-book for concocting poetry. Some, indeed, object that poetry is not progressive. But on what groundsthis assertion is based, it is not possible to conjecture. Poetry is asmuch progressive as anything else in these days of progress. Free-thought itself shews scarcely more strikingly those three greatstages which mark advance and movement. For poetry, like Free-thought, was first a work of inspiration, secondly of science, and lastly now oftrick. At its first stage it was open to only here and there a genius;at its next to all intelligent men; and at its third to all the humanrace. Thus, just as there is no boy now, but can throw stones at thewindows which Bishop Colenso has broken, so there is scarcely even ayoung lady but can raise flowers from the seed stolen out of Mr. Tennyson's garden. And surely, whatever, in this its course of change, poetry may have lostin quality, is more than made up for by what it has gained in quantity. For in the first place it is far pleasanter to the tastes of ascientific generation, to understand how to make bad poetry than towonder at good; and secondly, as the end of poetry is pleasure, that weshould make it each for ourselves is the very utmost that we can desire, since it is a fact in which we all agree, that no man's verses pleasehim so much as his own. OF THE NATURE OF POETRY. Poetry as practised by the latest masters, is the art of expressing whatis too foolish, too profane, or too indecent to be expressed in anyother way. And thus, just as a consummate cook will prepare a mostdelicate repast out of the most poor materials, so will the modern poetconcoct us a most popular poem from the weakest emotions, and the mosttiresome platitudes. The only difference is, that the cook would prefergood materials if he could get them, whilst the modern poet will takethe bad from choice. As far, however, as the nature of materials goes, those which the two artists work with are the same--_viz. _, animals, vegetables, and spirits. It was the practice of Shakespeare and otherearlier masters to make use of all these together, mixing them invarious proportions. But the moderns have found that it is better andfar easier to employ each separately. Thus Mr. Swinburne uses verylittle else but animal matter in the composition of his dishes, which itmust be confessed are somewhat unwholesome in consequence: whilst thelate Mr. Wordsworth, on the contrary, confined himself almostexclusively to the confection of primrose pudding, and flint soup, flavoured with the lesser-celandine; and only now and then a beggar-boyboiled down in it to give it a colour. The robins and drowned lambswhich he was wont to use, when an additional piquancy was needed, wereemployed so sparingly that they did not destroy in the least the generalvegetable tone of his productions; and these form in consequence anunimpeachable lenten diet. It is difficult to know what to say of Mr. Tennyson, as the milk and water of which his books are composed chiefly, make it almost impossible to discover what was the original nature ofthe materials he has boiled down in it. Mr. Shelley, too, is perhapssomewhat embarrassing to classify; as, though spirits are what heaffected most, he made use of a large amount of vegetable matter also. We shall be probably not far wrong in describing his material as a kindof methylated spirits; or pure psychic alcohol, strongly tinctured withthe barks of trees, and rendered below proof by a quantity of sea-water. In this division of the poets, however, into animalists, spiritualists, and vegetarians, we must not be discouraged by any such difficulties asthese; but must bear in mind that in whatever manner we may neatlyclassify anything, the exceptions and special cases will always faroutnumber those to which our rule applies. But in fact, at present, mere theory may be set entirely aside: foralthough in the case of action, the making and adhering to a theory maybe the surest guide to inconsistency and absurdity, in poetry theseresults can be obtained without such aid. The following recipes, compiled from a careful analysis of the bestauthors, will be found, we trust, efficient guides for the compositionof genuine poems. But the tyro must bear always in mind that there is noroyal road to anything, and that not even the most explicit directionswill make a poet all at once of even the most fatuous, the mostsentimental, or the most profane. RECIPES. The following are arranged somewhat in the order in which the student isrecommended to begin his efforts. About the more elaborate ones, whichcome later, he may use his own discretion as to which he will try first;but he must previously have had some training in the simplercompositions, with which we deal before all others. These form as itwere a kind of palęstra of folly, a very short training in which willsuffice to break down that stiffness and self-respect in the soul, whichis so incompatible with modern poetry. Taking, therefore, the silliestand commonest of all kinds of verse, and the one whose sentiments comemost readily to hand in vulgar minds, we begin with directions, HOW TO MAKE AN ORDINARY LOVE POEM. Take two large and tender human hearts, which match one anotherperfectly. Arrange these close together, but preserve them from actualcontact by placing between them some cruel barrier. Wound them both inseveral places, and insert through the openings thus made a finestuffing of wild yearnings, hopeless tenderness, and a generaladmiration for stars. Then completely cover up one heart with asufficient quantity of chill church-yard mould, which may be garnishedaccording to taste with dank waving weeds or tender violets: andpromptly break over it the other heart. HOW TO MAKE A PATHETIC MARINE POEM. This kind of poem has the advantage of being easily produced, yet beingat the same time pleasing, and not unwholesome. As, too, it admits of novariety, the chance of going wrong in it is very small. Take onemidnight storm, and one fisherman's family, which, if the poem is to bea real success, should be as large and as hungry as possible, and mustcontain at least one innocent infant. Place this last in a cradle, withthe mother singing over it, being careful that the babe be dreaming ofangels, or else smiling sweetly. Stir the father well up in the stormuntil he disappears. Then get ready immediately a quantity of cruelcrawling foam, in which serve up the father directly on hisre-appearance, which is sure to take place in an hour or two, in thedull red morning. This done, a charming saline effervescence will takeplace amongst the remainder of the family. Pile up the agony to suit thepalate, and the poem will be ready for perusal. HOW TO WRITE AN EPIC POEM LIKE MR. TENNYSON. (_The following, apart from its intrinsic utility, forms in itself a great literary curiosity, being the original directions from which the Poet Laureate composed the Arthurian Idylls. _) To compose an epic, some writers instruct us first to catch our hero. As, however, Mr. Carlyle is the only person on record who has everperformed this feat, it will be best for the rest of mankind to becontent with the nearest approach to a hero available, namely a prig. These animals are very plentiful, and easy to catch, as they delight inbeing run after. There are however many different kinds, not all equallyfit for the present purpose, and amongst which it is very necessary toselect the right one. Thus, for instance, there is the scientific andatheistical prig, who may be frequently observed eluding notice betweenthe covers of the "Westminster Review;" the Anglican prig, who is oftencaught exposing himself in the "Guardian;" the Ultramontane prig, whoabounds in the "Dublin Review;" the scholarly prig, who twitters amongthe leaves of the "Academy;" and the Evangelical prig, who converts theheathen, and drinks port wine. None of these, and least of all the last, will serve for the central figure, in the present class of poem. Theonly one entirely suitable is the blameless variety. Take, then, oneblameless prig. Set him upright in the middle of a round table, andplace beside him a beautiful wife, who cannot abide prigs. Add to these, one marred goodly man; and tie the three together in a bundle with alink or two of Destiny. Proceed, next, to surround this group with alarge number of men and women of the nineteenth century, in fancy-ballcostume, flavoured with a great many very possible vices, and a fewimpossible virtues. Stir these briskly about for two volumes, to thegreat annoyance of the blameless prig, who is, however, to be keptcarefully below swearing-point, for the whole time. If he once boilsover into any natural action or exclamation, he is forthwith worthless, and you must get another. Next break the wife's reputation into smallpieces; and dust them well over the blameless prig. Then take a fewvials of tribulation and wrath, and empty these generally over the wholeingredients of your poem: and, taking the sword of the heathen, cut intosmall pieces the greater part of your minor characters. Then woundslightly the head of the blameless prig; remove him suddenly from thetable, and keep in a cool barge for future use. HOW TO WRITE A POEM LIKE MR. MATTHEW ARNOLD. Take one soulfull of involuntary unbelief, which has been previouslywell flavoured with self-satisfied despair. Add to this one beautifultext of Scripture. Mix these well together; and as soon as ebullitioncommences grate in finely a few regretful allusions to the New Testamentand the lake of Tiberias, one constellation of stars, half-a-dozenallusions to the nineteenth century, one to Goethe, one to Mont Blanc, or the Lake of Geneva; and one also, if possible, to some personalbereavement. Flavour the whole with a mouthful of "faiths" and"infinites, " and a mixed mouthful of "passions, " "finites, " and"yearnings. " This class of poem is concluded usually with some question, about which we have to observe only that it shall be impossible toanswer. HOW TO WRITE A POEM LIKE MR. BROWNING. Take rather a coarse view of things in general. In the midst of this, place a man and a woman, her and her ankles, tastefully arranged on aslice of Italy, or the country about Pornic. Cut an opening across thebreast of each, until the soul becomes visible, but be very careful thatnone of the body be lost during the operation. Pour into each breast asmuch as it will hold of the new strong wine of love: and, for fear theyshould take cold by exposure, cover them quickly up with a quantity ofobscure classical quotations, a few familiar allusions to an unknownperiod of history, and a half-destroyed fresco by an early master, varied every now and then with a reference to the fugues or toccatas ofa quite-forgotten composer. If the poem be still intelligible, take a pen and remove carefully allthe necessary particles. HOW TO WRITE A MODERN PRE-RAPHAELITE POEM. Take a packet of fine selected early English, containing no words butsuch as are obsolete and unintelligible. Pour this into about doublethe quantity of entirely new English, which must have never been usedbefore, and which you must compose yourself, fresh as it is wanted. Mixthese together thoroughly till they assume a colour quite different fromany tongue that was ever spoken, and the material will be ready for use. Determine the number of stanzas of which your poem shall consist, andselect a corresponding number of the most archaic or most peculiar wordsin your vocabulary, allotting one of these to each stanza; and pour inthe other words round them, until the entire poem is filled in. This kind of composition is usually cast in shapes. These, though notnumerous--amounting in all to something under a dozen--it would take toolong to describe minutely here: and a short visit to Mr. ----'s shop inKing street, where they are kept in stock, would explain the whole ofthem. A favourite one, however, is the following, which is of very easyconstruction. Take three damozels, dressed in straight night-gowns. Pulltheir hair-pins out, and let their hair tumble all about theirshoulders. A few stars may be sprinkled into this with advantage. Placean aureole about the head of each, and give each a lily in her hand, about half the size of herself. Bend their necks all different ways, andset them in a row before a stone wall, with an apple-tree between eachand some large flowers at their feet. Trees and flowers of the rightsort are very plentiful in church windows. When you have arranged allthese objects rightly, take a cast of them in the softest part of yourbrain, and pour in your word-composition as above described. This kind of poem is much improved by what is called a burden. Thisconsists of a few jingling words, generally of an archaic character, about which we have only to be careful that they have no reference tothe subject of the poem they are to ornament. They are inserted withoutvariation between the stanzas. In conclusion we would remark to beginners that this sort of compositionmust be attempted only in a perfectly vacant atmosphere; so that nograins of common-sense may injure the work whilst in progress. HOW TO WRITE A NARRATIVE POEM LIKE MR. MORRIS. Take about sixty pages-full of the same word-mixture as that describedin the preceding; and dilute it with a double quantity of mild modernAnglo-Saxon. Pour this composition into two vessels of equal size, andinto one of these empty a small mythological story. If this does not putyour readers to sleep soon enough, add to it the rest of the language, in the remaining vessel. HOW TO WRITE A SATANIC POEM LIKE THE LATE LORD BYRON. (_This recipe is inserted for the benefit of those poets who desire to attain what is called originality. This is only to be got by following some model of a past generation, which has ceased to be made use of by the public at large. We do not however recommend this course, feeling sure that all writers in the end will derive far more real satisfaction from producing fashionable, than original verses; which two things it is impossible to do at one and the same time. _) Take a couple of fine deadly sins; and let them hang before your eyesuntil they become racy. Then take them down, dissect them, and stew themfor some time in a solution of weak remorse; after which they are to bedevilled with mock-despair. HOW TO WRITE A PATRIOTIC POEM LIKE MR. SWINBURNE. Take one blaspheming patriot, who has been hung or buried for some time, together with the oppressed country belonging to him. Soak these in aquantity of rotten sentiment, till they are completely sodden; and inthe mean while get ready an indefinite number of Christian kings andpriests. Kick these till they are nearly dead; add copiously brokenfragments of the Catholic church, and mix all together thoroughly. Placethem in a heap upon the oppressed country; season plentifully with verycoarse expressions; and on the top carefully arrange your patriot, garnished with laurel or with parsley; surround with artificial hopesfor the future, which are never meant to be tasted. This kind of poem iscooked in verbiage, flavoured with Liberty, the taste of which is muchheightened by the introduction of a few high gods, and the game ofFortune. The amount of verbiage which Liberty is capable of flavouring, is practically infinite. CONCLUSION. We regret to have to offer this work to the public in its presentincomplete state, the whole of that part treating of the most recentsection of modern poetry, _viz. _, the blasphemous and the obscene, beingentirely wanting. It was found necessary to issue this from an eminentpublishing firm in Holywell street, Strand, where by an unforeseencasualty, the whole of the first edition was seized by the police, andis at present in the hands of the Society for the Suppression of Vice. We incline however to trust that this loss will have but little effect;as indecency and profanity are things in which, even to the dullest, external instruction is a luxury, rather than a necessity. Those of ourreaders, who, either from sense, self-respect, or other circumstances, are in need of a special training in these subjects, will find excellentprofessors of them in any public-house, during the late hours of theevening; where the whole sum and substance of the fieriest school ofmodern poetry is delivered nightly; needing only a little dressing andflavouring with artificial English to turn it into very excellentverse.