_English As She is Wrote_, SHOWING

 Curious ways in which the English Language may be made to convey Ideas or obscure them. 

 _A Companion to "English as She is Spoke. "_

 _NEW YORK:_ _D. Appleton & Co. , 1, 3, & 5 Bond Street. _

 COPYRIGHT BY D. APPLETON AND COMPANY, 1883. 

 _Contents. _

 Page

 I. How she is wrote by the Inaccurate 9 II. By Advertisers and on Sign-boards 20 III. For Epitaphs 28 IV. By Correspondents 42 V. By the Effusive 56 VI. How she can be oddly wrote 71 VII. By the Untutored 91

 _Prefatory. _

"Anybody, " said an astute lawyer, addressing the jury to whom theopposing counsel had reflected upon inaccuracies in the spelling of hisbrief--"anybody can write English correctly, but surely a man may beallowed to spell a word in two or three different ways if he likes!"This was a claim for independence of action which so commended itself tothe jury that it won a verdict for his client. The same plea may beconsidered in regard to the truly wonderful way in which themother-tongue is often written, by the educated sometimes as well as bythe uneducated. 

A man, it may be urged, has a right to spell as he chooses, and toexpress his ideas, when he has any, as best he can; while, when hesuffers from a dearth of those rare articles, he has still more reasonto rejoice in liberty of choice in respect to the language he selects tocover his poverty of thought. Hence there are doubtless good andsufficient reasons for every specimen of "English as she is wrote, "which it is the object of this little book to rescue from oblivion, andwhich have, one and all, been written with the sober conviction, uponthe part of the writers, that they accurately conveyed the meaning theydesired. Intentionally humorous efforts have been carefully excluded, and the interest of the collection consists in the spontaneity ofexpression and in the fact that it offers fair samples of thepossibilities which lie hidden in the orthography and construction ofour language. Let it be remembered, then, that _anybody_ canwrite English as she "should be wrote, " and hence that a certain meed ofadmiration is due to those who, exercising their right of independentaction, succeed in making it at once original and racy, and inconveying, without the least effort, meanings totally opposed to theirintention, affording thereby admirable examples of English as "she iswrote" by thousands. 

I. 

By the Inaccurate. 

In the account of an inaugural ceremony it was asserted that "theprocession was very fine, and nearly two miles long, as was also thereport of Dr. Perry, the chaplain. "

A Western paper says: "A child was run over by a wagon three years old, and cross-eyed, with pantalets on, which never spoke afterward. "

Here is some descriptive evidence of personal peculiarities:

 "A fellow was arrested with short hair. "

 "I saw a man digging a well with a Roman nose. "

 "A house was built by a mason of brown stone. "

 "Wanted--A room by two gentlemen thirty feet long and twenty feet wide. "

 "A man from Africa called to pay his compliments tall and dark-complexioned. "

 "I perceived that it had been scoured with half an eye. "

A sea-captain once asserted that his "vessel was beautifully paintedwith a tall mast. "

In an account of travels we are assured that "a pearl was found by asailor in a shell. "

A bill presented to a farmer ran thus: "To hanging two barn doors andmyself, 4_s. _ 6_d. _"

A store-keeper assures his customers that "the longest time and easiestterms are given by any other house in the city. "

Here is a curious evidence of philanthropy: "A wealthy gentleman willadopt a little boy with a small family. "

A parochial report states that "the town farm-house and almshouse havebeen carried on the past year to our reasonable satisfaction, especiallythe almshouse, at which there have been an unusual amount of sicknessand three deaths. "

A Kansas paper thus ends a marriage notice: "The couple left for theEast on the night train where they will reside. "

In the account of a shipwreck we find the following: "The captain swamashore. So did the chambermaid; she was insured for a large sum andloaded with pig-iron. "

A notice at the entrance to a bridge asserts that "any person drivingover this bridge in a faster pace than a walk shall, if a white personbe fined five dollars, and if a negro receive twenty-five lashes, halfthe penalty to be bestowed on the informer. "

The following notice appeared on the west end of a countrymeeting-house: "Anybody sticking bills against this church will beprosecuted according to law or any other nuisance. "

A gushing but ungrammatical editor says: "We have received a basket offine grapes from our friend ----, for which he will please accept ourcompliments, some of which are nearly one inch in diameter. "

On the panel under the letter-receiver of the General Post-Office, Dublin, these words are printed: "Post here letters too late for thenext mail. "

An Ohio farmer is said to have the following warning postedconspicuously on his premises: "If any man's or woman's cows or oxengits in this here oats his or her tail will be cut off, as the case maybe. "

A lady desired to communicate by electricity to her husband in the citythe size of an illuminated text which she had promised for theSunday-school room. When the order reached him it read, "Unto us a childis born, nine feet long by two feet wide. "

A farmer who wished to enter some of his live-stock at an agriculturalexhibition, in the innocence of his heart, but with more truth in hiswords than he dreamed of, wrote to the committee, saying, "Enter me forone jackass. "

An Irishman complained to his physician that "he stuffed him so muchwith drugs that he was ill a long time after he got well. "

A correspondent of a New York paper described Mr. C. 's journey toWashington to attend "the dying bedside of his mother. "

A dealer in engravings announced: "'Scotland Forever. ' A Cavalry Chargeafter Elizabeth Thompson Butler, just published. "

A Western paper says that "a fine new school-house has just beenfinished in that town capable of accommodating three hundred studentsfour stories high. "

A coroner's verdict read thus: "The deceased came to his death byexcessive drinking, producing apoplexy in the minds of the jury. "

An old edition of Morse's geography declares that "Albany has fourhundred dwelling-houses and twenty-four hundred inhabitants, allstanding with their gable-ends to the street. "

A member of a school committee writes, "We have two school-roomssufficiently large to accommodate three hundred pupils, one above theother. "

A Harrisburg paper, answering a correspondent on a question ofetiquette, says: "When a gentleman and lady are walking upon the street, the lady should walk inside of the gentleman. "

A clergyman writes, "A young woman died in my neighborhood yesterday, while I was preaching the gospel in a beastly state of intoxication. "

A certain friendly society, which was also a sort of mutual insuranceorganization, had this among its printed notices to the members: "In theevent of your death, you are requested to bring your book, policy, andcertificate at once to Mr. ----, when your claims will have immediateattention. "

A New York paper, describing a funeral in Jersey City, says: "At theferry four friends of the deceased took possession of the carriage andfollowed the remains to Evergreen Cemetery, where they were quietlyinterred in a new lot without service or ceremony. " The devotion of thefriends of the deceased was certainly remarkable, but one can not helpwondering what became of the remains. 

A newspaper gives an account of a man who "was driving an old ox when hebecame angry and kicked him, hitting his jawbone with such force as tobreak his leg. " "We have been fairly wild ever since we read the paper, "writes a contemporary, "to know who or which got angry at whom or what, and if the ox kicked the man's jaw with such force as to break the ox'sleg, or how it is. Or did the man kick the ox in the jawbone with suchforce as to break the ox's leg, and, if so, which leg? It's one of thosethings which no man can find out, save only the man who kicked or wasbeing kicked, as the case may be. "

One of Sir Boyle Roche's invitations to an Irish nobleman was ratherequivocal. He wrote, "I hope, my lord, if you ever come within a mile ofmy house you will stay there all night. "

A German tourist expresses himself in regard to his Scottish experiencesas follows: "A person angry says to-day that he was from the theatregallary spit upon. Very fine. I also was spit upon. Not on the dress butinto the eye strait it came with strong force while I look up angry tothe gallary. Befor I come to your country I worship the Scotland of mybooks, my 'Waverly Novel, ' you know, but now I dwell here since sixmonths, in all parts, the picture change. I now know of the bad smell, the oath and curse of God's name, the wisky drink and the rudeness. Youhave much money here, but you want what money can not buye--heartcultivating that makes respect for gentle things. O! to be spit in theeye in one half million of peopled town. Let me no longer be in thiscold country, where people push in the street, blow the noze with nakedfinger, empty the dish at the house door, chooze the clergy from thelower classes and then go with them to death for an ecclesiasticaltheory which none of them can understand. I go home three days time. "There is more in this than grotesque English, however. It abounds withgood sense and penetration. 

The following is a pattern piece of modern style, sanctioned by anEnglish Board of Trade, and drawn up by an eminent authority: "Ticketsare nipped at the Barriers, and passengers admitted to the platformswill have to be delivered up to the Company in event of the holderssubsequently retiring from the platforms without travelling, and cannotbe recognized for readmission. "

A college professor, describing the effect of the wind in some Westernforests, wrote, "In traveling along the road, I even sometimes found thelogs bound and twisted together to such an extent that a mule couldn'tclimb over them, so I went round. "

A mayor in a university town issued the following proclamation: "Whereasa Multiplicity of Dangers are often incurred by Damage of outrageousAccidents by Fire, we whose names are undesigned have thought properthat the Benefit of an Engine bought by us for the better extinguishingof which by the Accidents of Almighty God may unto us happen to make aRate togather Benevolence for the better propagating such usefulInstruments. "

II. 

By Advertisers and on Sign-boards. 

Two young women want washing. 

Teeth extracted with great pains. 

Babies taken and finished in ten minutes by a country photographer. 

Wood and coal split. 

Wanted, a female who has a knowledge of fitting boots of a good moralcharacter. 

For sale, a handsome piano, the property of a young lady who is leavingScotland in a walnut case with turned legs. 

A large Spanish blue gentleman's cloak lost in the neighborhood of themarket. 

To be sold, a splendid gray horse, calculated for a charger, or wouldcarry a lady with a switch tail. 

Wanted, a young man to take charge of horses of a religious turn ofmind. 

A lady advertises her desire for a husband "with a Roman nose havingstrong religious tendencies. "

Wanted, a young man to look after a horse of the Methodist persuasion. 

A chemist inquires, "Will the gentleman who left his stomach foranalysis please call and get it, together with the result?"

Wanted, an accomplished poodle nurse. Wages, $5. 00 a week. 

In the far West a man advertises for a woman "to wash, iron and milk oneor two cows. "

Lost a cameo brooch representing Venus and Adonis on the Drumcondra Roadabout 10 o'clock on Tuesday evening. 

An advertiser, having made an advantageous purchase, offers for sale, onvery low terms, "six dozen of prime port wine, late the property of agentleman forty years of age, full of body, and with a high bouquet. "

A steamboat-captain, in advertising for an excursion, closes thus:"Tickets, 25 cents; children half price, to be had at the captain'soffice. "

Among carriages to be disposed of, mention is made of "a mail phaeton, the property of a gentleman with a moveable head as good as new. "

An inducement to return property is offered as follows: "If thegentleman who keeps the shoe store with a red head will return theumbrella of a young lady with whalebone ribs and an iron handle to theslate-roofed grocer's shop, he will hear of something to his advantage, as the same is a gift of a deceased mother now no more with the nameengraved upon it. "

An English matrimonial advertisement reads as follows: "A young manabout 25 years of Age, in a very good trade, whose Father will make himworth £1000, would willingly embrace a suitable MATCH. He has beenbrought up a Dissenter with his Parents, and is a sober man. "

A landlady, innocent of grammatical knowledge, advertises that she has"a fine, airy, well-furnished bedroom for a gentleman twelve feetsquare"; another has "a cheap and desirable suit of rooms for arespectable family in good repair"; still another has "a hall bedroomfor a single woman 8 × 12. "

A photographer's sign reads: "This style 3 pictures finished in fifteenminutes while you wait for twenty-five cents beautifully colored. "

A cheap restaurant displays this sign: "Oyster pies open all night, " and"Coffee and cakes off the griddle. "

A baker displays the sign, "Family Baking Done Here. " The sign wouldlook more appropriate if it were in front of some of our "cool andwell-ventilated" summer-resort hotels. 

The sign at Abraham Lowe's inn, Douglas, Isle of Man, is accompanied bythis quaint verse:

 "I'm Abraham Lowe, and half way up the hill, If I were higher up wat's funnier still, I should be Lowe. Come in and take your fill Of porter, ale, wine, spirits what you will. Step in, my friend, I pray no further go, My prices, like myself, are always low. "

On a vacant lot back of Covington, Kentucky, is posted this sign: "Noplane base Boll on these Primaces. "

Notice in a Hoboken ferry-boat: "The seats in this cabin are reservedfor ladies. Gentlemen are requested not to occupy them until the ladiesare seated. "

A sign in a Pennsylvania town reads as follows: "John Smith, teacher ofcowtillions and other dances--grammar taut in the neatest manner--freshsalt herrin on draft--likewise Goodfreys cordjial--rutes sassage andother garden truck--N. B. Bawl on friday nite--prayer meetinchuesday--also salme singing by the quire. "

The following notice appeared on the fence of a vacant lot in Brooklyn:"All persons are forbidden to throw ashes on this lot under penalty ofthe law or any other garbage. "

A barber's sign in Buffalo, N. Y. , has the following: "This is the placefor physiognomical hair-cutting and ecstatic shaving and shampooing. "

A San Francisco boot-black, of poetic aspirations, proclaims hissuperior skill in the following lines, pasted over the door of hisestablishment:

 "No day was e'er so bright, So black was never a night, As will your boots be, if you get Them blacked right in here, you bet!"

The following appears on a Welsh shoemaker's sign-board: "Pryce DyasCoblar, dealer in Bacco Shag and Pig Tail Bacon and Ginarbread, Eggslaid by me, and very good Paradise in the summer, Gentlemen and Lady canhave good Tae and Crumpets and Straw berry with a scim milk, because Ican't get no cream. N. B. Shuse and Boots mended very well. "

An Irish inn exhibits the following in large type:

 "Within this hive we're all alive, With whiskey sweet as honey; If you are dry, step in and try, But don't forget your money. "

An inn near London displays a board with the following inscription:

 "_Call_--Softly, _Drink_ Moderately, Pay _Honourably_; Be good Company, Part FRIENDLY, Go HOME quietly. Let those lines be no MAN'S sorrow, Pay to DAY and i'll TRUST tomorrow. "

III. 

For Epitaphs. 

A terse account of an untimely end is given upon a stone in a Mexicanchurch-yard:

 "He was young, he was fair But the Injuns raised his hair. "

The following may be read upon the tombstone of Lottie Merrill, theyoung huntress of Wayne County, Pennsylvania: "Lottie Merrill lays hearshe dident know wot it wuz to be afeered but she has hed her last tusselwith the bars and theyve scooped her she was a good girl and she is nowin heaven. It took six big bars to get away with her. She was only 18years old. "

Upon the tomb of a boy who died of eating too much fruit, this quaintepitaph conveys a moral:

 "_Currants_ have check'd the _current_ of my blood, And _berries_ brought me to be _buried_ here; _Pears_ have _par'd_ off my body's hardihood, And _plums_ and _plumbers_ _spare_ not one so _spare_. _Fain_ would I _feign_ my fall; so _fair_ a _fare_ _Lessens_ not hate, yet 'tis a _lesson_ good. _Gilt_ will not long hide _guilt_, such thin washed _ware_ _Wears_ quickly, and its _rude_ touch soon is _rued_. _Grave_ on my _grave_ some sentence _grave_ and terse, That _lies_ not as it _lies_ upon my clay, But in a gentle _strain_ of _unstrained_ verse, _Prays_ all to pity a poor patty's _prey_, _Rehearses_ I was fruitful to my _hearse_, _Tells_ that my days are _told_, and soon I'm _toll'd_ away. "

In Glasgow Cathedral is an epitaph, which is engraved on the lid of avery old sarcophagus, discovered in the crypt:

 "Our Life's a flying Shadow, God's the Pole, The Index pointing at him is our Soul, Death's the Horizon, when our Sun is set, Which will through Chryst a Resurrection get. "

In a grave-yard at Montrose, in Scotland, this inscription may still beseen:

 "Here lies the Body of George Young And of all his posterity for fifty years backwards. "

This brief announcement may be read in Wrexham church-yard, Wales:

 "Here lies five babies and children dear Three at Owestry and two here. "

In a church-yard near London the following may be deciphered:

 "Killed by an omnibus why not? So quick a death a boon is Let not his friends lament his lot For mors omnibus communis. "

There is an unqualified Hibernianism in the following:

 "Here lies the remains of Thomas Melstrom who died in Philadelphia March 17th Had he lived he would have been buried here. "

A good deal of positive information is conveyed in this epitaph:

 "Here lies, cut down like unripe fruit The wife of Deacon Amos Shute; She died of drinking too much coffee, Anny dominy eighteen forty. "

To the victim of an accident:

"Here lies the body of James Hambrick which was accidentally shot in thePacas River by a young man with one of Colts large revolvers with nostopper for the hand for to rest on. It was one of the old fashionedsort, brass mounted and of such is the Kingdom of Heaven. "

William Curtis, who was famous for his bad grammar, may have composedhis own epitaph:

 "Here lies William Curtis Our late Lord Mayor Who has left this world, And gone to that there. "

In a church-yard in London, evidently written by a Cockney:

 "Here lies John Ross. Kicked by a Hoss. "

In Trinity church-yard, New York, this inscription may be read:

 "Val. ---- Sidney Breese. June 9 17--. Made by himself. Ha! Sidney, Sidney Liest thou here? I lye here Till Times last Extremity. "

Upon a stone, under the Grocers' Arms, is this inscription, in memory ofGarrard, a tea-dealer:

 "Garret some called him But that was too lye His name is Garrard Who now here doth lye Weepe not for him Since he is gone before To heaven where Grocers There are many more. "

The value of phonetic spelling is set forth in this terse memorial:

 "Here lies two brothers by misfortune surrounded One died of his wounds, the other was drounded. "

Resignation and an eye to the main chance are combined in the following:

 "Beneath this stone, in hope of Zion Doth lie the landlord of the Lion, His son keeps in the business still Resigned unto the heavenly Will. "

In a church-yard in Wiltshire, England:

 "Beneath this stone lies our dear child Whos' gone away from we For evermore into eternity; When we do hope that we shall go to he But him can never come back to we. "

On Mrs. Sarah Newman:

 "Pain was my portion Physic was my food Groans was my devotion Drugs done me no good. Christ was my physician Knew what way was best To ease me of my pain He took my soul to rest. "

An inscription to four wives:

"To the memory of my four wives, who all died within the space of tenyears, but more perteckler to the last Mrs. Sally Horne who has left meand four dear children, she was a good, _sober_ and _clean_ soul and mayi soon go to her. 

 "Dear wives if you and i shall all go to heaven, The Lord be blest for then we shall be even. 

 "William Joy Horne, Carpenter. "

On a dyer:

"He died to live and lived to dye. "

On Mrs. Lee and her son:

 "In her life she did her best Now I hope her soul's at rest. Also her son Tom lies at her feet He lived till he made both ends meet. "

At Edinburgh:

 "John Mc pherson Was a wonderful person He stood 6 ft 2 without his shoe And he was slew. At Waterloo. "

One John Round was lost at sea, and in the grave-yard of his nativeplace a stone was erected with the following couplet inscribed thereon:

 "Under this bed lies John Round Who was lost at sea and never found. "

In an old church-yard in Ireland:

"Here lies John Highley whose father and mother were drownded on theirpassage to America. Had they lived they would have been buried here. "

In a church-yard in Ohio:

 "Under this sod And under these trees Lieth the Bod Y of Solomon Pease. He's not in this hole But only his pod. He shelled out his soul And went up to his God. "

From a tombstone in Cornwall, England:

 "Father and mother and I Lie buried here asunder; Father and mother lie buried here, And I lie buried yonder. "

On Eliza Newman:

 "Like a tender Rose Tree was my Spouse to me; Her offspring Pluckt too long deprived of life was she. _Three went before. _ Her Life went with the Six I stay with 3 Our sorrows for to mix Till Christ our only hope, Our Joys doth fix. "

On a drummer, in an English church-yard:

 "Tom Clark was a drummer, who went to the war, And was killed by a bullet, and his soul sent for; There were no friends to mourn him, for his virtues were rare, He died like a man, and like a Christian bear. "

On a stone near Appomattox Court-house, Virginia:

"Robert C Wright was born June 26th 1772 Died July 2. 1815 by the bloodthrusty hand of John Sweeny Sr Who was massacred with the Nife then aLondon Gun discharge a ball penetrate the Heart that give the immortalwound. "

At Middletown, Connecticut, is the following:

 "This lovely, pleasant child-- He was our only one, Altho' we've buried three before-- Two daughters and a son. "

The controlling power of rhyme is well illustrated in the subjoined, from a tombstone in Manchester:

 "Here lies alas! more's the pity, All that remains of Nicholas Newcity. 

 "N. B. --His name was Newtown. "

Another instance of how rhyming difficulties may be overcome is asfollows:

 "Here lies the remains of Thomas Woodhen, The most amiable of husbands and excellent of men. 

 "N. B. --His real name was Woodcock, but it wouldn't come in rhyme. _His Widow. _"

The subjoined contains a solemn warning:

 "My wife has left me, she's gone up on high, She was thoughtful while dying, and said 'Tom, don't cry. ' She was a great beauty, so every one knows, With Hebe like features and a fine Roman nose; She played the piany, and was learning a ballad, When she sickened and die-did from eating veal salad. "

Upon a tombstone in Pennsylvania:

 "Battle of Shiloh. April 6 1862

 John D L was born March 26 1839 in the town of West Dresden State of New York where the wicked cease from troubling and the weary are at rest. "

A tombstone in Pittsfield, Massachusetts, has these lines:

 "When you my friends are passing by, And this inform you where I lie, Remember you ere long must have, Like me, a mansion in the grave, Also 3 infants, 2 sons and a daughter. "

IV. 

By Correspondents. 

From a butcher at Berhampoor, India, to a customer:

"To his Highness--Kid Esquire

"The humble butcher, Nows Rouny, Restpectfully sheweth that for yourhonor has sent a good beef, 1 rump and pleased to take it and pay daylabor of bearer coolly. As your obedient butcher shall ever pray. "

From a scholar in India to his master:

"My dear Sir: I humbly beg to inform you pleas to give me leaf for oneweek because I cannot walk with my feet, I am very uncomfortable. Givemy compliments to My Master. I pray to God for Everlasting life. I amyour humble Servant Shebart Lall. "

From an Indian school-boy:

"Benevolent Sir: The wolf of sickness has laid hold on the flock of myhealth. "

From an Indian clerk:

"Sir. Being afflicted to the stomach and vomiteng I am sorry I cannotattend to office today. "

From a Canadian lady to eligible gentleman:

"Dear Mr. B. I, Mrs. Wigston wish you would call on my daughter Amelia. She is very amusing and is a regular young flirt. She can sing like ahunny bee and her papa can play on the fiddle nicely and we might have arare ho-down. Amelia is highely educated, she can dance like agrasshopper looking for grub and she can meke beautiful bread, it tastesjust like hunny bees' bread and for pumpkin pies she can't be beat. Infact she's ahead of all F girls and will make a good wife for any man. 

 "Yours truly "Mrs. Wigston. 

 "Bring your brother. "

From a school-boy to the elder Booth:

 "West House School. Prospect N. Y. "Dear Sur and Frend. 

"Heering that you was going to come to Uttica to perform in a playcalled Hamlit I would like to say that us boys is gitting up a Exibitionfor the benefit of diseased soldiers and their widows and orfans andwould like to engage you to do the leading part. I have talked it upwith the boys and we will do the squire thing by you and I am arterisedto make you the following offer. We will come doun after you with a goodconveyance and will give you at the rate of 10 dollars a day and boardand shall want you one week. If you think it necessary you can have oneor two of our best women actors to come up with you but we can't paythem over three dollars a day and feed. You can have some fun at ahunting deer and foxes around Flamburgs and Ed Wilkisun's. Pleas let meknow as soon as you can. 

 "Yours truly James Sweet. 

"If you come callating to hunt get Frank Meyer's hound she is a goodone. "

We subjoin several letters received by a New York publishing house:

 "---- La, Nov 18, 188-. 

"Dear Sir. I have seated my self down to pen you a few lines in reguardsoff your high degrode Tex Books Sir I wish you would forward to me inthe next Mail a Cataloudge off all of your Edgucational old and latestpublish books in Market I stand in need off a good set of books and whenI receive your Cataloudge I will send on immeadily and get a Selecticedoutfit of your books. By so doing you will oblidge yours & Etc. "

"dear Sr I saw A smawl list of yours embraces standard works in everydepartment of study and for every grade of classes from the _primary_school to the _university_ I desire to have correspondence with you andas I taught school for threw 3 seson in the ninth district of FuentressCounty tennessee and i quit eimet with Cooper and our country needinstruction and except we get the implement for instruction we may allways espect ignorant. Turn over. Mr I want you to send educational listof your standard works and also A copy Book that I may instruct mystudentes more correctly and I profer to take Agents if hit is notcontrary to law if your work can sold with out paing tax or lison

"and A blige youres truley Joel E Atkinson school teacher 9 deistrictFuentress co Logan Finch Chareles Atkinson J Hall e school directers inmy distrectes. "

"Dear Sir I want you to send me a catalogue the Emblem book and tell mewhat it will cost I think I can Sell as Many as Fifteen be sure and givethe Price that is what they want to know Dear Sir I Received your CopyOct 9th 1881 if you charge Any thing for composeing them letters writeto me and I will pay will Send it by Mail in one cent stamps you neednot to think I want to swinle you out of one cent I will do Every thingI say I will do So if you will write and give the Price of the Emblemand the love writer and chart and key of the Spenserion cystem and theylike I will get up a subscription and send the Money for themimmediately Dear Sir tell me what is the Emblem of a red rose and whiterose of a boca. "

"Dear Sir:

"Wilt please send me a description of your outfit of Books and give meone or two iedies abought the catalogue price of your English, LatinGreek brench and stanish Italian Hebrew and Siyuriak books to myaddress. I has issued out orders bot comisition &c--my trustee tell methat only two D V z and in New York at the time it Feby. The 15 my No ofbooks is twenty five and I desire one complet Example of your best booksif you can Conven'y furnish my needs wright at once I will be more anobliged to you. Looking by every mail for your returns Soon, so pleaseyour truly servant. 

 "I am dear Sir: "My name in Full "* * * *. "

"Dear Sir:

"Understanding that You possess some Influence among the Bord ofDirectors of your fine books and for useful learning for Schools I begto Solicit your interest for Me I want to Purchase Some Usful Books andMessrs please send me one of your Cataloges you well obligde me Much inso doing, & Far my Friends I Will tell You I have a great many ofRelitives who would wish to Purchase some book if could be bought fromyou below Price My Frend you must excuse my Hasty note for the Smalltime Was at Hand and all so my Frend you must excuse my Led Pensel. Wright my soon Frend I will close and will shew you that you will beremembered by Sirs Your Obedient & Fathful Servants ----. "

"Sir: I now write to you to ask you information on book lines Sir. Ihave seen some of your books and the suited me very much on Edjucationaland Sir i did suspect to start To Teach School in the Same Ward And iWanted to get a fenel Resortment of of Books and i Wanted To get Mybooks from you and i Wanted Like to know how you Would Reply me them Andi hope when you Riseived this Letter that you Would Write Wright away Atonce And give me the full Address how to send for These Books And i Wantto Know Wethe I give you the Wright Address Sir your Friend ---- Wouldlike To Read A Letter from under your Hand And i Want you To please Togive me your Address of All kines of Books that yu have i Exspect tostart School soon & i had much Applications By pupils that Lives A. Rounds in the Sections Where i Lives ses ef i gets the Books they WouldBuy them from me i hope that you Would Wright As Soon as Posable And Letme know so that i Can Write Again And please To Send me some of yourpaper so that i Can Read them to the people so Them Can Believe that idid wrote here When you Write please To Direct your Letter to ---- so ihope you Will Write Soon And please fail not To Send me some of yourPapers And Direct me how To Get Money to you When i Send for Books failnot To Direct your Letter to ---- Post-office. So i have no more toWrite i Will Close & Remain

 "Your Truly Friend. " "M---- Ala. 

"Oct 13th 1881. Dear Sir Dear Friend you will please Send me one line ofcapitals letters one line of the small letters and Show me the space howfar up and how far down and write & tell me what the chart and frey withcost, the chart of the Standard System is the one I want. There is Eightmen I have shewn your copy you sent to me they say they intend to haveone chart a piece Dear Sir I have been talking with Several young Menabout love writers I want you to compose three letters consisting oflove and poetry write one as though you loved her and want to marry her. One as though she had Slighted you. The Next one as you think bestCompose them and Send them to me and I will shew them to the Boys I amsatisfied they will be sure to by. "

Letter to an editor:

"Dear Sir--:

"The hystoric apple that tossed about and struck Sir Isaac Newton landedfinally, in revealing its inner nature its hidden meaning, not only as aconsolation but also of universal utility in all scientific branges:

"Or out of the simbols of the ancient World, up to the real discoveriesof the present time proceeded the solution of the relation of theEternal time, motion, and distance. Which set forte the discovery of thegenerational cosmological Parents of this planet, are discovered thatthese can be seen by all mankind. 

 "Resp. "

Letter received by a cotton-broker:

 "Flat Town Dec. 30th

"Messrs. "J---- W---- & Co

 "Sir. Gentlemen. 

"The shipments from this out the balance of the season will be for moreon the count. Last year was a short crop and two weeks erly than thisseason and people sold rite strate a long here last season and thebiggest and best farmers this season are holding looking forward toBiger prices I have gathered 80 bales and 15 or 16 more in the field yetto pick so you see when I make my estimate in this county they are apower of cotton on the fields yet to pick and a grate eel in houses notgined up yet, gust act as if those deals were your own shood you closethem out gust credit my account with the profitts but dont close themout until you think it has tuch bottom then I want you to by me the sameamount but don't by till you think it the rite time and then shood yousee a proffit in it Turn it loose without ever consulting me if itclears up cold we will have Kilan frost but it can't hurt here for thecrop is made. 

 "I remain yours very truly. "

Another letter to a cotton-broker:

"Messrs. W---- W---- & Co. 

"Sir Gents

"I have gust got in form the West and find your letter stating that cornhad touched bottom which I do think myself it has, but it has avanced somuch now I don't noe that it wood pay me much either way now. Had I binat home I shood of closed out and of Bout the same amount was my Idee. We are from ten days to fully two weeks backwards with our crops owingto our wet weather but that donte say they won't be as much made as waslast year while we are backward there are more fertilizers yoused thanware last year and more Acreage our country is in a better condision tomake a crop and I expect the west ginerally that way at the same time Iam only one neighbourhood. Pleas let me hear from you more fully on thematter hoping to hear from you soon I remain

 "yours verry truly

 "I will act according to your council. "

A Georgia merchant received a short time since the following order froma customer:

"Mr. B----, please send me $1 worth of coffy and $1 worth of shoogar, some small nales. My wife had a baby last nite, also two padlocks and amonkey rench. "

V. 

By the Effusive. 

Professor Huxley is credited with the assertion that the primrose is "acorollifloral dicotyledonous exogen, with a monopetalous corolla and acentral placenta. "

A reporter with a large imagination, writing about the decoration of achurch at a fashionable wedding in this city, said that "the church wasensconced in flowers. "

A scientific writer defines sneezing as "a phenomenon provoked either byan excitation brought to bear on the nasal membrane or by a sudden shockof the sun's rays on the membranes of the eye. This peripheralirritation is transmitted by the trifacial nerve to the Gasserianganglion, whence it passes by a commissure to an agglomeration ofglobules in the medulla oblongata or in the protuberance; from thispoint, by a series of numerous reflex and complicated acts, it istransformed by the mediation of the spinal cord into a centrifugalexcitation which radiates outward by means of the spinal nerves to theexpiratory muscles. "

The school committee in Massachusetts recommend exercises in Englishcomposition in these terms:

"Next to the pleasure that pervades the corridors of the soul when it isentranced by the whiling witchery that presides over it consequent uponthe almost divine productions of Mozart, Haydn, and Handel, whetherthese are executed by magician concert parts in deep and highly maturedmelody from artistic modulated intonations of the finely cultured humanvoice, or played by some fairy-fingered musician upon the tremblingstrings of the harp or piano, comes the charming delight we experiencefrom the mastery of English prose, and the spell-binding wizards of songwho by their art of divination through their magic wand, the pen, havetransformed scenes hitherto unknown and made them as immortal as thosespots of the Orient and mountain haunts of the gods, whether of sunnyItaly or of tuneful, heroic Greece. "

A farmer's daughter expresses herself in the following terms:

"Dear Miss:

"The energy of the race prompts me to assure you that my request isforbidden, the idea of which I awkwardly nourished, notwithstanding mypropensity to reserve. Mr. T will be there--Let me with confidenceassure you that him and brothers will be very happy to meet you andbrothers. Us girls cannot go, for reasons. The attention of cows claimsour assistance this evening. 

 "Unalterably yours. "

The following is probably the longest sentence ever written, containing, as it does, eight hundred words:

"I propose, then, to give your readers some description of this old yetstill strange and wild country, that has been settled for three hundredyears, and is not yet inhabited--a land of shifting sand and deep mud--aland of noble rivers that rise in swamps and consist merely of chains ofshallow lakes, some of them twenty miles long and two miles across, andonly twelve feet deep--of wide, sandy plains, covered withsolemn-sounding pines--of spots so barren that nothing can be made togrow upon them, and yet with a soil so fertile that if you tickle itwith a hoe, it will laugh out an abundant harvest of sugar, cotton, andfruit--a land of oranges, lemons, pomegranates, pineapples, figs, andbananas; whose rivers teem with fish, its forests with game, and itsvery air with fowl; where everything will grow except apples and wheat;where everything can be found except ice; yet where the people, with aproductive soil, a mild climate and beautiful nature, affording everytable luxury, live on corn-grist, sweet potatoes, and molasses; wheremen possessing forty thousand head of cattle never saw a glass of milkin their lives, using the imported article when used at all, and thencalling it consecrated milk; where the very effort to milk a cow wouldprobably scare her to death, as well as frighten a whole neighborhood bythe unheard of phenomenon; where cabbages grow on the tops of trees, andyou may dig bread out of the ground; where, below the frost-line, thecastor-oil plant becomes a large tree of several years' growth, and apumpkin or bean-vine will take root from its trailing branches, and thusspread and live year after year; where cattle do not know what hay is, and refuse it when offered, so that the purchase of a yoke of oxen isnot considered valid if the animals will not eat in a stable; and wherein the mild winter, when the land grass is dried up, horses and cattlemay be seen wading and swimming in the ponds and streams, plunging theirheads under water grasses and moss; where many lakes have holes in thebottom and underground communication, so that they will sometimes shrinkaway to a mere cupful, leaving many square miles of surface uncovered, and then again fill up from below and spread out over their former area;where some of them have outlets in the ocean far from shore, bursting upa perpetual spring of fresh water in the very midst of the brinysaltness of the sea; where in times of low water, during a longexhaustive dry season, men have gone under ground in one of thesesubterranean rivers, from lake to lake, a distance of eight miles; wherethe ground will sometimes sink and the cavity fill with water, untiltall trees, that had stood and sunk upright, will have their topmostbranches deeply covered; where rivers will disappear in the earth andrise again, thus forming natural bridges, some of them a mile inbreadth; where, instead of spring, summer, autumn, and winter, there aretwo seasons only--eight months summer, and four months warm weather;where the winter is the dry season, and the summer almost a daily rain;where, in order to take a walk, you first wade through a light sandankle deep and then get into a mud-puddle, and some of these mud-puddlescover a whole county; where no clay is found fit for brick-making, andpeople build houses without chimneys; where to make a living is so easya task, that every one possesses the laziness of ten ordinary men, everyone you wish to employ in labor says he is tired and would seem to havebeen born so; where ague would prevail if the people would take thetrouble to shake; where a large orange-tree will bear several thousandoranges--leaves, buds, blossom, half-grown and full-grown fruit, all atonce--and every twenty-five feet square of sand will sustain such atree; where, in many parts, cold weather is an impossibility, andperpetual verdure reigns; where the Everglades are found, covering manylarge counties with water from one to six feet deep, with a bottom, mudcovered, yet underneath solid and firm, from which grasses grow up tothe surface--a sea of green, and with islands large and small scatteredover the surface, covered with live oaks and dense vegetation; wherealligators, or gators as they are called in Florida parlance, possessundoubted aboriginal rights of citizenship, and mosquitoes pay constantvisits and are instructive and even penetrating in their attention tostrangers. "

An Irish paper contained this account of Mrs. Siddons's appearance:

"On Sunday, Mrs. Siddons, about whom all the world has been talking, exposed her beautiful, adamantine, soft, and lovely person, for thefirst time at Smock Alley Theatre in the bewitching, melting, and alltearful character of Isabella. From the repeated panegyrics of theimpartial London newspapers, we were taught to expect the sight of aheavenly angel, but how were we supernaturally surprised into almostawful joy at beholding a mortal goddess! The house was crowded withhundreds more than it could hold, with thousands of admiring spectatorswho went away without a sight. This extraordinary phenomenon of tragicexcellence! this star of Melpomene! this comet of the stage! this sun ofthe firmament of the Muses! this moon of blank verse! this queen andprincess of tears! this Donellan of the poisoned dagger! this empress ofpistol and dagger! this chaos of Shakespeare! this world of weepingclouds! this Juno commanding aspects! this Terpsichore of the curtainsand scenes! this Proserpine of fire and excitement! this Katterfelto ofwonders! exceeded expectation, went beyond belief and soared above allthe natural powers of description! She was nature itself! She was themost exquisite work of art! She was the very daisy, primrose, tuberose, sweet brier, furze blossom, gilliflower, wall flower, cauliflower, auricula, and rosemary! In short, she was the bouquet of Parnassus! Whenexpectations were so high, it was thought she would be injured by herappearance, but it was the audience who were injured: several faintedbefore the curtain drew up! When she came to the scene of parting withher wedding ring, ah! what a sight was there! the very fiddlers in theorchestra, albeit unused to melting mood, blubbered like hungry childrencrying for their bread and butter! and when the bell rang for musicbetween the acts the tears ran from the bassoon players' eyes in suchplentiful showers that they choked the finger stops, and making a spoutof the instrument poured in such torrents on the first fiddler's bookthat not seeing the overture was in two sharps, the leader of the bandplayed it in one flat. But the sobs and sighs of the groaning audienceand the noise of corks drawn from smelling bottles prevented themistakes between sharps and flats being heard. One hundred and nineladies fainted! forty-six went into fits! and ninety-five had stronghysterics. The world will scarcely credit the truth when they are toldthat fourteen children, five old men, one hundred tailors, and sixcommon councilmen were actually drowned in the inundation of tears thatflowed from the galleries, the slips, and the boxes, to increase thebriny pond in the pit. The water was three feet deep. An Act ofParliament will certainly be passed against her playing any more!"

Few poems have been more generally admired or paraphrased in the varioustongues of earth than that commencing with the lines--

 "Mary had a little lamb, Its fleece was white as snow, And everywhere that Mary went This lamb was sure to go. "

The story is current at the national capital that Mr. Evarts, whenSecretary of State, on one occasion, in a jocular crowd of his friends, was desired to condense into prose these immortal verses. Urgentlysolicited, Mr. Evarts yielded, and wrote as follows:

"Mary, a female, judged to be of the race of man, whose family name isunknown, whether of native or foreign birth, of lofty or lowly lineage, and whose appearance, manners, and mental cultivation are involved inthe most profound mystery, which probably will never be fullyascertained unless through the most profound researches of an historianadmirably trained in his profession, who shall devote the ablest effortsof his life to the investigation of the subject, uninfluenced by eitherpassion or prejudice, and having only in view the sacred truth, at thesame time being utterly regardless of the plaudits or censures of theworld, we are informed by one who, it has been stated, at one time whileliving in that part of the United States of America known asMassachusetts, whose fishermen have frequently been involved indifficulties with the authorities of her Majesty Queen Victoria, Queenof Great Britain and Empress of the Indies, whose domains extended overa large share of the habitable globe, thereby endangering the peacewhich should so happily exist between nations of the same blood andlanguage, had an infant sheep, of which there are many millions ofvarious stocks and qualities now in our country, constantly addingwealth and prosperity to our republic, and enabling us to be entirelyindependent of all other nations for our supply of wool, now ample forthe use of factories already busily employed, and for those which erelong will be constructed in all parts of our land, working both by waterand steam power, and in whatever direction the said Mary traveled, thisanimal, whose fleece was snow-white, even as the lofty mountain-regionsin the silent solitudes of eternal winter, as the ethereal vapors whichoft float over an autumnal sky, 'darkly, deeply, beautifully blue' or asthe lacteal fluid covered with masses of delicate froth, found in thebuckets of the rosy dairymaid, whether meandering through the meadows inmidsummer, gathering the luscious strawberry, strolling in the woodlandpaths in search of wild flowers, visiting the church with her uncles, cousins, and aunts, to listen to the inspired words which come from thelips of the minister of the sanctuary, or when retiring to her blissfulcouch to seek rest and enjoy sweet repose after the cares and labors ofthe day; in fact, 'everywhere that Mary went' this youthful sheep, influenced doubtless by that affection which is oft so conspicuouslymanifested by the lower animals in their association with human beings, was ever observed to accompany her. "

VI. 

How she can be Oddly Wrote. 

The following amusing rhyme clipped from an old paper shows to advantagesome of the peculiarities of the English language:

 SALLY SALTER. 

 Sally Salter, she was a young teacher, that taught, And her friend Charley Church was a preacher, who praught; Though his friends all declared him a screecher, who scraught. 

 His heart, when he saw her, kept sinking, and sunk, And his eyes, meeting hers, kept winking, and wunk; While she, in her turn, fell to thinking, and thunk. 

 He hastened to woo her, and sweetly he wooed, For his love for her grew--to a mountain it grewed, And what he was longing to do, then he doed. 

 In secret he wanted to speak, and he spoke: To seek with his lips what his heart had long soke; So he managed to let the truth leak, and it loke. 

 He asked her to ride to the church and they rode; They so sweetly did glide, that they both thought they glode, And they came to the place to be tied, and were tode. 

 Then "Homeward, " he said, "let us drive, " and they drove, As soon as they wished to arrive they arrove; For whatever he couldn't contrive she controve. 

 The kiss he was dying to steal, then he stole, At the feet where he wanted to kneel, there he knole, And he said, "I feel better than ever I fole. "

 So they to each other kept clinging, and clung, While Time his swift circuit was winging, and wung; And this was the thing he was bringing, and brung:

 The man Sally wanted to catch, and had caught-- That she wanted from others to snatch, and had snaught, Was the one that she now liked to scratch, and she scraught. 

 And Charley's warm love began freezing and froze, While he took to teasing, and cruelly tose The girl he had wished to be squeezing and squoze. 

 "Wretch!" he cried, when she threatened to leave him, and left, "How could you deceive me, as you have deceft?" And she answered, "I promised to cleave, and I've cleft!"

PLODDING CHANGES. --Some of our plodding readers may like to peruse thefollowing curious variations of the well-known line from Gray's "Elegy, ""The ploughman homeward plods his weary way":

The weary ploughman homeward plods his way. 

The weary ploughman plods his homeward way. 

The homeward ploughman plods his weary way. 

The homeward ploughman, weary, plods his way. 

The homeward, weary, ploughman plods his way. 

The weary, homeward ploughman plods his way. 

Homeward the weary ploughman plods his way. 

Homeward, weary, the ploughman plods his way. 

Homeward the ploughman plods his weary way. 

Homeward the ploughman, weary, plods his way. 

Weary, the homeward ploughman plods his way. 

Weary, homeward the ploughman plods his way. 

Weary, the ploughman plods his homeward way. 

The ploughman plods his homeward, weary way. 

The ploughman plods his weary homeward way. 

The ploughman homeward, weary, plods his way. 

The ploughman, weary, homeward plods his way. 

The ploughman, weary, plods his homeward way. 

 "My Madeline! My Madeline! Mark my melodious midnight moans; Much may my melting music mean, My modulated monotones. 

 "My mandolin's mild minstrelsy, My mental music magazine, My mouth, my mind, my memory, Must mingling murmur, 'Madeline. '

 "Muster 'mid midnight masquerades, Mark Moorish maidens', matrons' mien, 'Mongst Murcia's most majestic maids, Match me my matchless Madeline. 

 "Mankind's malevolence may make Much melancholy music mine; Many my motives may mistake, My modest merits much malign. 

 "My Madeline's most mirthful mood Much mollifies my mind's machine; My mournfulness' magnitude Melts--makes me merry, Madeline!

 "Match-making mas may machinate, Manoeuvring misses me misween; Mere money may make many mate, My magic motto's--'Madeline!'

 "Melt, most mellifluous melody, 'Midst Murcia's misty mounts marine, Meet me by moonlight--marry me, Madonna mia!--Madeline. "

It is well known that the letter _e_ is used more than any other letterin the English alphabet. Each of the following verses contains everyletter of the alphabet except the letter _e_:

 "A jovial swain should not complain Of any buxom fair Who mocks his pain and thinks it gain To quiz his awkward air. 

 "Quixotic boys who look for joys, Quixotic hazards run; A lass annoys with trivial toys, Opposing man for fun. 

 "A jovial swain may rack his brain, And tax his fancy's might; To quiz is vain, for 'tis most plain That what I say is right"

 _Northampton_ (_England_) _Courier. _

Here is the result of a rhyming punster's efforts:

 "A pretty deer is dear to me, A hare with downy hair, A hart I love with all my heart, But barely bear a bear. 

 "'Tis plain that no one takes a plane To pare a pair of pears, Although a rake may take a rake To tear away the tares. 

 "Sol's rays raise thyme, time raises all, And through the whole holes wears. A scribe in writing right may write To write and still be wrong; For write and rite are neither right, And don't to right belong. 

 "Robertson is not Robert's son, Nor did he rob Burt's son, Yet Robert's sun is Robin's sun, And everybody's sun. 

 "Beer often brings a bier to man, Coughing a coffin brings, And too much ale will make us ail, As well as other things. 

 "The person lies who says he lies When he is not reclining; And when consumptive folks decline, They all decline declining. 

 "Quails do not quail before a storm. A bow will bow before it; We cannot rein the rain at all, No earthly power reigns o'er it. 

 "The dyer dyes awhile, then dies-- To dye he's always trying; Until upon his dying bed He thinks no more of dyeing. 

 "A son of Mars mars many a son, All Deys must have their days; And every knight should pray each night To him who weighs his ways. 

 "'Tis meet that man should mete out meat To feed one's fortune's sun; The fair should fare on love alone, Else one cannot be won. 

 "Alas, a lass is sometimes false; Of faults a maid is made; Her waist is but a barren waste-- Though stayed she is not staid. 

 "The springs shoot forth each spring and shoots Shoot forward one and all; Though summer kills the flowers, it leaves The leaves to fall in fall. 

 "I would a story here commence, But you might think it stale; So we'll suppose that we have reached The tail end of our tale. "

And here is a zoölogical romance, by C. F. Adams, inspired by an unusualflow of animal spirits:

 No sweeter girl ewe ever gnu Than Betty Martin's daughter Sue. 

 With sable hare, small tapir waist, And lips you'd gopher miles to taste;

 Bright, lambent eyes, like the gazelle, Sheep pertly brought to bear so well;

 Ape pretty lass it was avowed, Of whom her marmot to be proud. 

 Deer girl! I loved her as my life, And vowed to heifer for my wife. 

 Alas! A sailor on the sly, Had cast on her his wether eye. 

 He said my love for her was bosh, And my affection I musquash. 

 He'd dog her footsteps everywhere, Anteater in the easy-chair;

 He'd setter round, this sailor chap, And pointer out upon the map

 Where once a pirate cruiser boar Him captive to a foreign shore. 

 The cruel captain far outdid The yaks and crimes of Robert Kid. 

 He oft would whale Jack with the cat, And say, "My buck, doe you like that?

 "What makes you stag around so, say? The catamounts to something, hey?"

 Then he would seal it with an oath, And say: "You are a lazy sloth!

 "I'll starve you down, my sailor fine, Until for beef and porcupine!"

 And, fairly horse with fiendish laughter, Would say, "Henceforth, mind what giraffe ter!"

 In short, the many risks he ran Might well a llama braver man;

 Then he was wrecked and castor shore While feebly clinging to anoa;

 Hyena cleft among the rocks He crept, _sans_ shoes and minus ox. 

 And when he fain would go to bed, He had to lion leaves instead. 

 Then Sue would say, with troubled face, "How koodoo live in such a place?"

 And straightway into tears would melt, And say, "How badger must have felt!"

 While he, the brute, woodchuck her chin, And say, "Aye-aye, my lass!" and grin. 

 Excuse these steers. . . . It's over now; There's naught like grief the hart can cow. 

 Jackass'd her to be his, and she-- She gave Jackal, and jilted me. 

 And now, alas! the little minks Is bound to him with Hymen's lynx. 

 --_Detroit Free Press. _

While upon the subject of puns, we might quote the following, clippedfrom the "Graphic":

"On being consulted about it Spikes says that Uncle Sam aunticipates thetransfer of the Indian Bureau to some mother department, and if thisshould father improve the condition of the children of the forest, insondry ways, by cousin them to be more comfortable, it would be a niecearrangement and daughter be made. " We are inclined, in nephew instances, to agree with the gramma, but not the spelling. 

The "Graphic" is also responsible for the following English stanzatransformed into Russian, said to have been found in a room after it hadbeen vacated by Alexis while in this country. It is introduced as anexample of how "she can be oddly wrote":

 "Owata jollitimiv ad Sinci tooklevov mioldad! Owata merricoviv bin-- Ivespenta nawful pilovtin! Damsorri tolevami now, But landigoshenjingo vow, Thetur kishwar mustavastop Gotele graphitoff topop. "

The following clever paraphrase of the old rhythmic story of "Jack'sHouse" is a good illustration of the scope and flexibility of ourlanguage, and suggests the fact that tautological errors of writing needseldom be committed. 

 Behold the mansion reared by dædal Jack. 

 See the malt stored in many a plethoric sack, In the proud cirque of Ivan's bivouac. 

 Mark how the Rat's felonious fangs invade The golden stores in John's pavilion laid. 

 Anon, with velvet foot and Tarquin strides, Subtle Grimalkin to his quarry glides-- Grimalkin grim, that slew the fierce _rodent_ Whose tooth insidious Johann's sackcloth rent. 

 Lo! now the deep-mouthed canine foe's assault, That vexed the avenger of the stolen malt, Stored in the hallowed precincts of that hall That rose complete at Jack's creative call. 

 Here stalks the impetuous Cow with crumpled horn, Whereon the exacerbating hound was torn, Who bayed the feline slaughter-beast that slew The Rat predaceous, whose keen fangs ran through The textile fibers that involved the grain That lay in Hans' inviolate domain. 

 Here walks forlorn the Damsel, crowned with rue, Lactiferous spoils from vaccine dugs, who drew Of that corniculate beast whose tortuous horn Tossed to the clouds, in fierce vindictive scorn, The harrowing hound, whose braggart bark and stir Arched the lithe spine and reared the indignant fur Of Puss, that with verminicidal claw Struck the weird Rat, in whose insatiate maw Lay reeking malt, that erst in Ivan's courts we saw Robed in senescent garb that seems in sooth Too long a prey to Chronos' iron tooth. 

 Behold the man whose amorous lips incline, Full with young Eros' osculative sign, To the lorn maiden whose lact-albic hands, Drew albu-lactic wealth from lacteal glands Of that immortal bovine, by whose horn Distort, to realm ethereal was borne The beast catulean, vexer of that sly Ulysses quadrupedal, who made die The old mordacious Rat, that dared devour Antecedaneous Ale, in John's domestic bower. 

 Lo, here, with hirsute honors doffed, succinct Of saponaceous locks, the Priest who linked In Hymen's golden bands the torn unthrift, Whose means exiguous stared from many a rift, Even as he kissed the virgin all forlorn, Who milked the cow with implicated horn, Who in fine wrath the canine torturer skied, That dared to vex the insidious muricide, Who let the auroral effluence through the pelt Of the sly Rat that robbed the palace Jack had built. 

 The loud cantankerous Shanghai comes at last, Whose shouts arouse the shorn ecclesiast, Who sealed the vows of Hymen's sacrament, To him who robed in garments indigent, Exosculates the damsel lachrymose, The emulgator of that horned brute morose, That tossed the dog, that worried the cat, that kilt The Rat that ate the malt, that lay in the house that Jack built. 

VII. 

By the Untutored. 

Care should be taken in writing for the young, or they may get a whollydifferent meaning from the language than that intended. The Bishop ofHereford was examining a school-class one day, and, among other things, asked what an average was. Several boys pleaded ignorance, but one atlast replied, "It is what a hen lays on. " This answer puzzled the bishopnot a little; but the boy persisted in it, stating that he had read itin his little book of facts. He was then told to bring the little book, and, on doing so, he pointed triumphantly to a paragraph commencing, "The domestic hen lays _on an average_ fifty eggs each year. "

If English is "wrote" as she is often "spoke" by the ignorant andcareless, she would bear little resemblance to the original Queen'sEnglish. A listener wrote out a short conversation heard the other daybetween two pupils of a high-school, and here is the phonetic result:

"Warejergo lasnight?"

"Hadder skate. "

"Jerfind th'ice hard'n'good?"

"Yes, hard'nough. "

"Jer goerlone?"

"No; Bill'n Joe wenterlong. "

"Howlate jerstay?"

"Pastate. "

"Lemmeknow wenyergoagin, woncher? I wantergo'n'show yer howterskate. "

"H'm, ficoodn't skate better'n you I'd sell-out'n'quit. "

"Well, we'll tryeranc'n'seefyercan. "

Here, as they took different streets, their conversation ceased. 

A writer in the "School-boy Magazine" has gathered together thefollowing dictionary words as defined by certain small people:

Bed-time--Shut eye time. 

Dust--Mud with the juice squeezed out. 

Fan--A thing to brush warm off with. 

Fins--A fish's wings. 

Ice--Water that staid out in the cold and went to sleep. 

Monkey--A very small boy with a tail. 

Nest-Egg--The egg that the old hen measures by, to make new ones. 

Pig--A hog's little boy. 

Salt--What makes your potato taste bad when you don't put any on. 

Snoring--Letting off sleep. 

Stars--The moon's eggs. 

Wakefulness--Eyes all the time coming unbuttoned. 

The following specimens from scholars' examinations in making sentencesto illustrate the definitions of words, found in their smalldictionaries, will have a familiar sound to some of our readers:

Frantic = Wild: I picked a bouquet of frantic flowers. 

Retorted = Returned: We retorted home at six o'clock. 

Summoned = Called: I summoned to see Mary last week. 

Athletic = Strong: The vinegar was too athletic to be used. 

Poignant = Sharp: My knife is very poignant. 

Ordinances = Rules: We learned the ordinances for finding the greatestcommon divisor. 

Turbid = Muddy: The road was so turbid that we stuck fast in the mud. 

Tandem = One behind another: The scholars sit tandem in school. 

Akimbo = With a crook: I saw a dog with an akimbo in his tail. 

Atonement = Satisfaction: There is no atonement in boat-riding in a coldday. 

Composure = Calmness: The composure of the day was remarkable. 

We have the authority of the late Dr. Hart as to the genuineness of thefollowing extracts, taken from the papers of a class seeking admissioninto a high-school, to which had been given a list of words for theirmeanings and applications:

Fabulous--Full of threads: Silk is fabulous. 

Accession--The act of eating a great deal: John got very sick afterdinner by accession. 

Atonement--A small insect: Queen Mab was pulled by atonements. 

Develop--To swallow up: God sent a whale to develop Jonah. 

Circumference--Distance through the middle: Distance around the middleof the outside. 

Mobility--Belonging to the people: The mobility of St. Louis has greatlyincreased. 

Adequate--A land animal: An elephant is an adequate. 

Gregarious--Pertaining to idols: The Sandwich-Islanders are gregarious. 

Fluctuation--Coming in great numbers: There was a great fluctuation ofimmigrants. 

Alternate--Not ternate. 

Intrinsic--Not trinsic: weak, feeble: He was a very intrinsic old man. 

Subservient--One opposed to the upholding of servants. 

Don't:

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