[Transcriber's Note: Rows of closely spaced asterisks are in the original. Spelling and punctuation have been left unchanged, except as noted at the end of the file. ]

 [Illustration: JOHN BROWN ESQ. AS HE APPEARED EVERY EVE]

 CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR

 Showing What

 Mr. Brown Did, Thought, And Intended To Do, During That Festive Season. 

 Now First Edited From The Original MSS. (Mess). 

 With Notes and Illustrations

 By LUKE LIMNER, Esq. 

 London: William Tegg and Co. , 85, Queen Street, Cheapside. M. DCCC. L. 

Prime Movers. 

JOHN BROWN, Esq. -- _Citizen of London and Suburban Snob. _

JOHN BROWN, Jun. , Esq. -- _"Fast Gent;" Son and Heir to the above "Brick!"-- I believe you, my boys, rather!_

Master THOMAS BROWN. -- _Apple of his Mother's eye-- "her Tommy-wommy"-- "her dear boy"-- "her jewel of a pet. "_

Captain BONAVENTURE DE CAMP. -- _Officer, late of the Hon. E. I. Co's. Service, but now at the service of any one. _

LATIMER DE CAMP. -- _Master of (He) Arts; Elder Son of the above, of Nobodynose College, Oxford. _

WELLESLEY DE CAMP. -- _Cadet of Sandboys Military College. _

SOAVO SPOHF. -- _Composer; Organist at St. Stiff's the Martyr; Mr. Brown's ex-friend. _

JOHN (BROWN). -- _Footman to John Brown, Esq. ; late Private in the 44th foot. _

TOBIAS STRAP. -- _Grocer in Greens, Landlord to Mr. Spohf, and Supernumerary help to any body. _

ICHABOD STRAP. -- _(Son of his sire) commonly called "Alphonso, " but sometimes "Buttons. "_

Mrs. BENIGMA BROWN. -- _Rib of John Brown, Esq. -- Ruler of his roast and boiled. _

Miss JEMIMA BROWN. } _Eligible Young Ladies-- very so-- to any one inclined to aMiss ANGELINA BROWN. } matter-o'-money-all alliance. _

Lady LUCRETIA DE CAMP. -- _Spouse of "the Captain;" Lady in her own right (and wrong). _

DEBORAH STRAP. -- _(Consort of T. S. Above) Pue-packer at St. Stiff's the Martyr. _

_Guests, Cooks, Maids, Lanthorn-bearers, extra Flunkeys, Police, &c. , &c. , &c. , &c. _

SCENE. -- _Victoria and Albert Villas, Mizzlington, near London. _

TIME. -- _Christmas. _

List of Plates. PAGE

John Brown, Esq. , as he appeared every Evening _Frontispiece. _

The Carol--"Tidings of Comfort and Joy!" 1

The Waits serenading Victoria and Albert Villas 5

Christmas Eve--The Market--Brown buying Holly 13

Christmas Dinners--Good Living, at least, Once a Year 18

The Pudding, as it ought to have appeared 23

Bringing in the Yule-log 25

Boxing-day--The Beadle offended 28

The Pantomime--"Here we are again!" 34

The Compliments of the Season (a cold) 40

The Quadrille--Cavalier seul 57

The Stair-case--Captain de Camp and the Wall-flower 63

Forfeits--The Double Toilet 80

The Christmas Tree--Presentation of Fruit 83

Mummery--Trick of the Old Dame 84

Kitchen Conversation 92

 [Illustration: THE CAROL. "TIDINGS OF COMFORT & JOY. "]

 [Illustration: CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR]

Very cold, very bleak; the thermometer and snow are falling fast; eggsand suet are rising faster; everything at this season is "prized, " andeverybody apprizes everybody else of the good they wish them, --"A MERRYCHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!" Even the shivering caroller, for "it isa poor heart that never rejoices, " is yelling forth the "tidings ofcomfort and joy. " The snow that descends, making park and commonalike--topping palace and pigsty, now crowns the semi-detached villas, Victoria and Albert. They were erected from the designs of John Brown, Esq. And his architect (or builder), and are considered a fine specimenof compo-cockney-gothic, in which the constructor has made the most ofhis materials; for, to save digging, he sank the foundation in anevacuated pond, and, as an antidote to damp, used wood with thedry-rot--the little remaining moisture being pumped out daily by thedomestics. The floors are delightfully springy, having cracks toprecipitate the dirt, and are sloped towards the doorways, so that thefurniture is perpetually trying to walk out of the rooms; but thoseapertures are ingeniously planned to prevent the evil--the doorsobstinately refusing to open at all, without force. That the whole maynot appear too light, few windows are introduced. By casual observersthe Victoria and Albert would be taken for one--so united are they;and had we not seen the parting division, we should have doubted also. Of the entrance lodges, we have noticed one of the chimneys smokingperiodically; and, from the mollient white vapour issuing over thewindow at such times, presume Victoria is washing, whilst Albert islocked up and doing nothing. 

 [Illustration]

Their lord and master is John Brown, Esq. , Director of the DeptfordDirect, the Stag Assurance, and Churchwarden of this parish--St. Stiffthe Martyr, --a portly upright man; for had he not been so erect, tobalance a "fair round belly, " he would have toppled on his nose. Everybody said that he was clever, too--and, moreover, always thoughtso; for luck had made our friend a rising man amongst the suburbanaristocracy of Mizzlington. Of Mrs. Brown, she is his match, and portlytoo; though older and more crusty--a crummy dame, to whom her lord mustbow; for, upon his hinting at duty, and an obedient wife's _commanding_her husband, she ordered him off, reading the adage as a woman _ought_. Of the Misses Brown, Jemima and Angelina, they are decidedly gettingold--for young ladies, having been "out" for some time; and, like theback numbers of an old periodical, are not the more interesting ormarketable for it. Of the sons, the elder, John Brown, jun. , is spoilinghimself by patronising all that is "fast;" whilst the younger is beingeducated for a faster age, being spoilt first by his mother. 

 [Illustration]

Having characterised the Brown family, we will now introduceyou to the first scene of this domestic drama. Victoria Villa--adormitory--midnight; in the back ground may be seen and heard a ladyin a rich mellow snore, whilst distant music--the Christmas Waits, is "softly o'er the senses stealing, " and loud in the promise of "a goodtime coming, " provided you will "wait a little longer. " Mr. Brown isseated at the dressing-table, making up his Diary, or rather trying tocram the events of twenty-four hours into the leaf of a pocket-book, five and a half inches by three and a quarter--his usual custom beforerest:--

 [Illustration: THE WAITS. "SOFTLY O'ER THE SENSES STEALING. "]

"December 21st, _Friday_. --Advertised in this day's 'Times, ' to letAlbert, furnished, from the 25th, with use of servants, if required(double-house and household at half-price--grand effect united witheconomy). Tommy came home from Dr. Tortem's, with holiday-letter, bill, and wonderful crop of hair--considering it costs me five shillings perquarter to cut; brimstone and treacle, under head--medicine, charged tenand six; firing and broken windows, two pounds; &c. :--what most unluckythings turn up on a Friday! I much wish I had not advertised Albertto-day--no one will come. " With these observations, and a consolatorygrumble about Christmas coming but once a year, Mr. Brown seeks reposebeside his consort; whilst the Waits make the lowing wind, the frigidvegetation, and the rattling shutters, dance again to the "BridalPolka. "

Sweet sleep--and morning dawns. --The Browns depart, as is their dailycustom, by the omnibus--the elder to chat inside, the younger to smokeout;--and both to business in the city. Whilst, at home, Master Tommydisplays the "advancement made in his studies"--as the holiday-letterstates, --by practising writing in the "Book of Beauty;" his knowledge ofnatural history, by attempting to rear gold-fish (like eels) in sand;searching for the tick in an eight-day clock; setting bits of raw beefin the back garden, that the portion (like potatoes) might grow to youngbullocks; filling the bellows' snout with gunpowder, that they may blowthe fire up; putting the cat in walnut-shells upon the icy pond, andhimself in the middle of it; playing racket in the drawing-room; andconstructing a snow man against the back-door to fall in upon Sarah, almost frightening her to death; and many other experimental, philosophical tricks, too numerous to mention. 

 [Illustration]

During this day the semi-detached is besieged by a lady and gentleman insearch of a home. The gentleman, dressed in a very tight frock-coat, dusty and worn; a highly-glazed cap, the strap of which dangled above atuft of hair, that graced his chin, its peak resting upon the tip of hisnose, affording him little more than a view of his boots, with a portionof the hose protruding therefrom; his tightly-strapped trowsers carryinga broad stripe, of which he appeared proud, being engaged in themanufacture of many more in other parts, by knocking the dust out ofthem with a slight cane; of his gloves, they seemed determined to endtheir days in their normal state, and to produce neither mits norfinger-stalls. The couple looking very limp and tumbled;--a thing dulyapologised for, and not to be wondered at--having just arrived fromabroad. Mrs. Brown being much taken with the gentleman--for he curriedfavour by stroking only the way of the grain. So, with Lady Lucretia, Captain de Camp, of the Hon. East India Company's Service, fromMadras--awaiting his luggage, --is at home in the Albert, having givenhimself a character that satisfied Mrs. Brown; for, he omitted theobjectionable parts (fearing they might distress that good lady), likethe woman with a large family, who, finding it impossible to getlodgings, sent her children among the graves; that, when asked, shemight say, with a sigh, "Alas! they are all in the churchyard. "

 [Illustration]

That evening Mrs. Brown's rich mellow snore commenced later thanusual--for she had been loud and long in the praise of their newneighbours. Mr. Brown making entry against December 22nd, _Saturday_. --That Albert was let:--whilst, the Waits were playing the"Phantom Dancers, " and Captain de Camp busy, there, screwing his emptytrunk to the floor, that it might appear heavy, and full of valuables;and whilst, between the villas in the rear, there might be seen aglimmering candle, and by that light be found--one not unknown toBrown--a poor little musician, in a little second-floor room, containinga little organ much too large for it, and a litter of dirty softpapers, --who is not a little perplexed at a note, from Mrs. Brown, dispensing with his services:--he, the poor little music-master, moreamiable than handsome, less symmetrical than serviceable;--who had, in less favoured times, contracted friendship, and to teach the MissesBrown music at thirty shillings per quarter--who had gotten so familiaras to love--had dared to offer that person Nature had deformed, withthat mind Nature had adorned, to Miss Jemima Brown. There was a timewhen his anecdotes had been prized, and his long, delicate, whitefingers kept playing to perpetual dancers; and that fine voice, Naturehad bestowed in lieu of symmetry, sang the merriest and most sentimentalsongs for love:--the retrospect is too much for poor Spohf--so he seeksrefuge in his organ, much to the annoyance of a little tailor in theattic, who has no soul in him--save the sole he had for supper. 

 [Illustration]

Sunday. --The perpetual bell of St. Stiff the Martyr is calling toservice, as it is wont to do at all times and hours--for mysteriouspurposes but little known:--it seems as if the bell disliked its littlewooden cottage, on the unfinished spire; or was inspired, or in atowering passion to live in a tower, or saw no fun in waiting for funds;and so, continually pealed an appeal to the public:--however, it was apuny, little, curious bell, with a tongue of its own, now clacking for acharity sermon; and, curiously, Mr. Brown thinks a charity sermon alwaysedifies him with the headache, and is doubtful about going, as they makehim a reluctant giver--for mere vain show; but he, curiously, wonderswhere the De Camps go; and, curiously, Victoria and Albert meet at thegate; and, curiously, the family pue, at St. Stiff's, seems capable ofaccommodating them. 

Mr. Spohf, the little organist, being perched up aloft, sees, throughthe curtain, the Christmas holly and the Captain--taking care to markthat individual with mental chalk. The musician's eyes are in the Brownpue; but the eyes that used to meet them are turned another way--allfavour is centred upon their spurious exotic, who grows thicker, twinestighter, and takes deeper root, the more he is encouraged:--of thespecies, or genus, we cannot do better than quote Mr. B. 's own words, written against December 23rd, _Sunday_--(whilst the Waits, as usual, were serenading the semi-detached, in a full conviction of its beingMonday, and the possibility of "living and loving together, " and "beinghappy yet"). --"To church with my new tenant, who is delightful company:Lady Lucre. Says he is a 'refined duck, ' a 'gentlemanly angel, ' and a'manly poppet:' to which I made answer, that I thought so too; and thatshe was a 'seraphine concert. ' Sermon, by the Rev. Loyalla à Becket, 'inaid of funds for supplying the poor, during this inclement but festiveseason, with food for the mind. ' Captain de Camp did borrow a sovereignof me, to put in the plate; and I was told by my fellow-churchwarden, Mr. Flyntflayer, that he did put in a bad shilling, wrapt in paper, anddid take out fifteen shillings in change:--this, I said was untrue--as, of course, it was;--having lent him a sovereign myself, for the expresspurpose. We are to have Captain de C. 's two noble sons here, during theholidays; one, I believe, comes from Oxford, and the other from SandboysMilitary College:--now is the time--Jemy. And Angel. Must be on thealert, for

 'There is a tide in the affairs of _women_, Which, taken at the flood, leads on to _matrimony_; Omitted, all the voyage of their life Is bound in shallows, and in _spinsterhood_. On such a full sea are we now afloat; And we must take the current when it serves, Or lose our ventures. '"

Monday, the 24th December's sun rises in a fog:--everybody has lost theday of the week, and come upon what appears an infinity of Saturdaysrolled into one--beginning the week with a grand end, --for it is theadvent of Christmas!

The Masters de Camp arrive as was expected. --Cadet Wellesley exhibitinghis military accomplishments by surveying the back field; all the holesand corners; riddling the sty and pigs with Mr. Brown's blunderbuss;bivouacking in the pantry at Victoria's expence; and, when remonstratedwith, for mere sport knocking the plaster Albert off the garden wallinto the lane. Mr. Latimer de Camp introduces himself more civilly, as Miss Jemima is playing and singing (of course for practice), byaccompanying "How happy could I be with either, " on the wooden partitionwith his thumb, after the fashion of a tambarine. 

This is the annual busy day. --Packets and parcels are being deliveredunceasingly by uncommonly civil butcher-boys, graceful grocers, andurbanic green-grocers, who are near enough to boxing-day to know thatsilver on the tongue is necessary to charm silver from the pocket. TheCaptain has sent to learn if any consignments are for him, to ask theloan of a pack of cards, and Victoria's company to spend the evening atthe Albert--which invitation is graciously accepted. 

It is eve--Christmas-eve. --Mrs. Brown's candied mixture, the pudding, issimmering in the copper; the turkey, chine, and hundred etceteras are ontheir way from Plumpsworth; while Captain de Camp's baggage is at thevery wildest verge of that gentleman's imagination, and its appearancewould have surprised him more than any one else, so speculative was it. 

 [Illustration: CHRISTMAS EVE. THE FOOD IN PERSPECTIVE. ]

Mr. Brown is in the City, homeward bound by the omnibus, intending torealize "a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year. " It is so foggy thathe finds he is going at an invisible pace, obliging him to abandon theinvisible vehicle in an invisible street, paying an invisible fare. 

 [Illustration]

He ties a handkerchief round his foot to prevent slipping; and hassomething "short" to keep out the cold; and a little brandy-punch tokeep out the fog; and a little egg-flip to keep him warm; and a linkthat he may see the way, for his vision is not very distinct;--his headis delightfully buoyant, his optics inclined to multiply, and his legsvery refractory, having a great desire to dance or go sideways, butobstinately refusing, in their eccentricity, to proceed in a straightline; for Mr. Brown is more merry than particular--taking Newgate Marketin his way home to Mizzlington from the 'Change. Having a greatveneration for old customs, he buys a boar's head there and boy to carryit; next, being taken with a crockery-shop-sign, "The Little Bason"(which, by-the-bye, was a very large one), he purchases that also, thinking it will do for a wassail-bowl; likewise some holly; and an oldbutcher's-block to serve as the yule-log; not forgetting the last newChristmas book of sympathy and sentiment, "The Black Beetle on the Hob, "a faery tale of a register-stove, by the author of the "Old Hearth Broomand the Kettle-Holder:"--With these articles Mr. Brown and his retinuereach home in safety--a miracle, considering the toast and ale they haveconsumed, --the Holly being jolly, the Bason groggy, the Log stupid, andthe Boar pig-headed. They find Victoria deaf; for Mr. Brown has made herlittle gothic door to shiver, and the bolts to chatter with the blows, yet none respond; for the servants are very jovial over boiled ale inthe crypt--little thinking or caring about their master; who, afterhaving rung all the bells singly, walked backwards, surveyed thewindows, tumbled over the block, and endangered the wassail-bowl, triesringing all the bells at once without avail; so enters by the backwindow, and performs a dexterous summerset down the stairs, in companywith some evergreens and a flower-stand, ending in a series of doubleknocks performed upon the inside of the door with the back of his head, and a cuffing from Mr. Brown junior, who happens to be coming in withthe key, taking his respected governor for a burglar. 

 [Illustration]

The Browns are next door:--Victoria is fraternizing with Albert, andboth are exceedingly happy, although the latter has won greatly at thegame of _speculation_--having played his cards well; so, Mr. Brown, after being packed in brown paper, steeped in vinegar, and wellsoda-watered, joins the social party;--finding Captain de Camp busyconcocting an extraordinary oriental mixture (the name of which we quiteforget) out of old bottles, from Victoria's cellar; and telling atremendous Eastern _story_ of a tiger captured in a jungle, after achase of ten hours--he should have said minutes, in a penny magazine!

Mr. Brown and the Captain soon became familiar--in twenty minutesyou would have thought them friends of twenty years:--so, --beforethe last speculator had invested his last weekly sixpence in agoose-club, and drawn the last adamantine old gander; or the lastChristmas-pudding-sweep swept away the chimerical puddings, that oughtto have been very rich, and everybody thought everybody else had won;before the last trader, who had sold out, dared to mount a notice, intimating that he had joined an "Association to suppressChristmas-boxes, "--the Browns and De Camps had attained that statedenominated "thick"--an appellation that might, with propriety, havebeen applied to Mr. Brown's brains;--for he had obliged Captain de Campby discounting a bill, due twelve days after date (Christmas), and hadinvited him to dine on the morrow, to partake of the poultry, thatalways came up at Christmas, from Plumpsworth; and was taken out in avisit made by the worthy donor, Great-uncle Clayclod, during the"May-meetings, " when he does a dozen shilling exhibitions in a day, andknocks up a fly-horse. So, rather late to bed; Mr. Brown making up hisDiary, as usual, on the dressing-table--a rule he always observed, though, in some cases, it would have been better left until the morning;for, against December 24th, Tuesday, we find his feelings richlyexpressed in cramped caligraphy, upside down, bearing evident marks ofexcitement;--having been penned--in a dream--with hair-dye, mistakenfor ink; pounced with carmine, and blotted with the small-tooth-combin lieu of paper; it is, moreover, curious for its allegoricalallusions--likening Captain de Camp to a "brick, " a "downey card, "a "sharp file, " and several other inanimate poetical images. 

Of our mild friend, Spohf, he is sleeping soundly upon a lightsupper--obtained from "St. Stiff's dairy"--some very thin milk, divestedof all unctuous quality--that having gone to an epicure Captain, at theAlbert Villa. Poor Spohf's talent has not put many _talents_ in hispurse--these real racing times run over genius!--they would tunnelHelicon, turn Hippocrene to flush a city's drains, --make Pegasus serveletters by carrying a post-boy, and, in the end, sell the noble beastfor feline food:--everything now must be tangible. The little organist, who had spent so many a Merry Christmas with the Browns--he has nopleasure to anticipate on the morrow, except the performance of his newhymn, "The Star of Bethlehem, " a composition of which the little tailorin the attic thought small things, for it did not _compose_ him tosleep. 

 [Illustration: "SAFE BIND--SAFE FIND. "]

The 25th of December arrives. --The festival of the year has come. Christmas-day commences with the rising of the cook, who finished theevening, kneading and gaping over pies and puddings; and wakes with thesame operation, gaping and kneading her eyes, which do not fairly openuntil she comes to look after her first care--the pudding:--the fire, having been made up over night, is discovered a "beauty;" but, behold, --within the copper, the pudding has dissolved!--there is nothingto be found but a cloth, which must have been boiling all night in arich plum-soup, --the string having come untied; or rather, never beentied at all, but popped in by Mrs. B. Without attending to thatoperation:--a piece of neglect, for which the cook gets "warning, " andall the servants rated--until the bells of St. Stiff's remind Mrs. B. That it is time to depart, for the duties of a Christian, to eschew allthe vanities of this wicked world, in a rich purple Genoa velvet paletotand duck of a plum bonnet. That day Mr. Churchwarden Brown's pue wouldnot hold all, so Mrs. Strap, the pue-opener, had to manoeuvre byappropriating part of another to their use, losing her Christmas-box forthe offence against its owner, Mr. Din, the copper-smith. 

Mr. Spohf's Christmas hymn is much liked, and is really so fine as tomake that essence of gentleness, himself, temporarily egotistical; hewonders what impression it has made upon Miss Jemima, and the strangegentleman who is so attentive to her--could he do as much? But Mr. Latimer de Camp is heedless of other good things flying about him; for, upon the walk home after service, among the savoury Christmas dinnersthat are hurrying in every direction, he is so abstracted as to find asucking-pig in his stomach, and not a little gravy spilt upon histrowsers, compelling him to change them, upon his arrival at home, for aneat pair of young Brown's. 

 [Illustration: Good living at least once a year]

Mr. Spohf, having played all out of St. Stiff the Martyr, walks homemoodily:--instead of finding his dinner as usual, the chop and potato, he learns that his landlord, Mr. Strap, the greengrocer, has stopped thesupplies. It is quarter-day!--Strap thinks of the five weeks' arrears, and Mr. Spohf's inability to pay for his lodgings; so, Mr. And Mrs. Strap have surprised him, by preparing a huge leg of mutton and pudding;for they know he does not, as of old, go to the "Willer. " After thishumble repast, which was relished as much as any could be, and was farless likely to leave unpleasant sensations than if it had been morecostly, they draw round the fire; and master Ichabod Strap, one of thechoristers of St. Stiff the Martyr, is playing with a shilling, polishing the coin upon his sleeve--it is the identical one said to havebeen put in the plate by Captain de Camp, and given by Mr. Flyntflayer(the gentleman who held the gothic platter) to Mrs. Strap, thepue-opener, advising her at the same time to nail it to thecounter--a counterfeit to deter "smashers. " But, somehow, the coinseemed doomed to remain unholy, for no orifice or artifice could haverendered it a _lucky_ one; it was shown to Mr. Spohf, who thought itbad, and that it might have gotten into the plate by mistake; Mrs. Strapknew it bad--an intentional perpetration, --and, like the giver, notworth a dump; Mr. Strap not only thought it bad, but proved it so; for, after having spun, sounded, and eaten a portion of it, he cast the coininto the glowing fire, where the silver quickly changed, dropping, likequick-silver, among the ashes, to be picked out by Ichabod, very unlikea sterling coin. 

 [Illustration]

Old Strap, who had taken "the pledge, " but since introduced anexceptional clause in favour of feasts and festivals, gets out the blackbottle for fraternity's sake. They take a pipe a-piece, and so softenedis the little organist with their genuine unsophisticated kindness, thathe sees all his cares fly, and nothing but joys in the wreathed curls ofsmoke betaking themselves up the chimney:--he sees Messrs. Blow andGrumble, the eminent organ-builders, making a fortune by his "newmovement;" having purchased and patented it: he has found a publisherfor his church music, and sold his old opera. Captain de Camp hasvanished in smoke--he has exploded of spontaneous combustion, --they findhim all deceit, leaving a glass eye and a cork leg. Mr. Latimer gets theColonial Bishopric of Bushantee, in New Zealand, and cuts Miss Jemima. Mr. Wellesley having gone to India for glory, returns with it, --a hook, and a patch over his eye. Miss Angelina vows to die a virgin. Mr. Brownsays to Mr. Spohf, "my son!"--Mr. Spohf says to Mr. Brown, "my father!"Mr. Strap is standing in triumph upon a pyramid of "carpets to beat, "viewing a lesser one of "boots to brush;" having been entrusted withmore "messages" than mortal ever could "deliver;" whilst innumerablevans, bearing the name of Strap, traverse innumerable roads in "Town andCountry. " Mrs. Strap, dressed in a plain plum silk, turns a mahoganymangle, and gets up nothing but "fine things. " Ichabod has cut thechoir, and made his _début_ in an opera as Herr Strapii, a perfecttriumph. 

But here we will leave Mr. Spohf's reverie--for Victoria and reality;where the company is arriving to the annual dinner, and sitting aboutthe drawing-room, looking as happy as patients at a dentist's; orfestive, as disappointed toadeaters at the funeral of an opulentrelative, who had left all his property to found an asylum for decayedpostboys--after leading everybody to expect the lion's share of it:--theguests, for want of more exciting topics, admiring the gimcracks theyadmired a year ago; thinking the portrait of Mr. Brown--"done, " twentyyears since, at a portrait club, --a splendid likeness, and that theoriginal grows younger (query, richer?); stating truths and untruthsabout the weather; inquiring energetically after each other'shealth--not caring for the answers; with other homely pleasantries, toonumerous to mention; until some of the juveniles--the only ones whoreally seem at home--espy from the window a loaded parcel-cart; thisthey observe as funny on a Sunday (little thinking, at that moment, itwas Tuesday). Here Mr. Brown descends, to hold an altercation with theguard of that cart, who makes light of a huge hamper of game; whilst theguests at the windows above, speculate upon having to eat an uncookedturkey, or fancy their ravenous appetites waiting while it iscooked--the youngsters calculating upon a dinner all pudding. Mr. Brownreturns, and tenders his arm to Lady Lucretia de Camp--in theexcitement, leading her down the side where the stairs taper tonothing, --causing that lady to lose both equilibrium and temper. 

 [Illustration: THE PUDDING. AS IT OUGHT TO HAVE APPEARED. ]

In the hall they are introduced to the viands, all thought to partakeof;--which have arrived too late, and are now displayed in theirprimitive state--a picture of still life; whilst the guests--a pictureof disappointment--have to put up with odds and ends, concocted to meetthe emergency, ending with a series of plum-dumplings, in place of thelegitimate large pudding. However, the indigent relatives, who preferthe cold corners, and take "any part, " declare themselves wellsatisfied:--all partaking of everything, and brandy afterwards, as ifthe viands were rich. Master Brown does justice to everything, ofcourse--that sweet child is now pulling the _merry thought_ with hismaiden aunt; he is victor, and, as no one wishes to know his _thoughts_, seems determined to tell them, --_wishing_ "Jemy. And Mr. Latimer wouldlook sharp, and knock up the match Mamma spoke of; as then he should bebreeched, have pockets, and money:" here the little dear turned to theCaptain, saying, "You'll give me a crown, won't you?"--a question atwhich the maiden aunt blushed intensely, as did Mrs. Brown, whoattempted to hide her emotion by saying, "What strange things childrendo think of!"--at the same time helping a gentleman who had hadenough--the bashful gentleman, who sat at the junction of the tables, and appeared so incommoded by the table-land of one being higher thanthe table-land of the other--causing his plate to oscillate in a veryremarkable manner, and discharge its contents in his lap, --the conjoinedlegs compelling him either to sit at a fearful distance, and spill thegravy, or to split his kerseymeres, by extending them too much for theirfrail make:--however, he has at last succeeded in thrusting one kneebetween them, and the shorter leg of the two off Bunyan's "Pilgrim'sProgress"--used to stilt it;--letting the unfortunate gentleman'spudding down, and his plate travel, until at last it stops, performing agyration, all to itself, under the sideboard. 

 [Illustration: The Merry Thought]

During this clatter, the ladies rise and depart, leaving the gentlemento drown all disappointments in the wine. Mr. Brown, "feeling calledupon, " rises, apologizing for certain misfortunes, herein described--atthe same time trusting that such events might never happen again; and, in the end, eulogizing Mrs. B. , who is painted in glowing colours, by apainter who said he should not have painted it; or, as any one elsemight have observed, introduced two virtuously amiable daughters, soprominently in the foreground. After a noble reply by Captain de Camp, of the Hon. East India Company's service, from Madras, and much applausefrom the diners, they ascend, to join the ladies; forming, round thedrawing-room-fire, a vast amphitheatre, in the centre of which, gladiatorial children contend for nuts and oranges--Captain de Campfilling the post of honour, --making himself at home in Mr. Brown's easychair and slippers. Mr. Wellesley drags in the yule-log, much to thedetriment of the Brussels, and the annoyance of the guests; for, uponplacing it in the grate, it causes everything to be covered with blacktadpoles, nearly extinguishing the fire--until it ignites, roasting thecompany, and making the pot a white-heat. 

 [Illustration]

The Captain has repeated last evening's brew, upon a larger scale, in the "little bason, " or wassail-bowl. Master Wellesley has kissedAngelina under the misletoe, suspended from the chandelier, and placedin the centre of the amphitheatre, for that purpose. Mr. Latimer has"taken the opportunity, " as Jemima turned up a refractory burner; andeverybody kissed everybody else they liked, or could catch there. Theentertaining Captain has narrated an effective anecdote of an enragedelephant, and a precious big boar speared in a savage jungle--to whichhe might have added, with no more personal risk than Mrs. Brown mayexperience when hunting for a boa in her wardrobe. And, Mr. Mouldy, thecity merchant, who dealt in rags, sang about a little excitable pig, and"Mac Mullin's Lament;" whilst Mr. Snobbins--who it was hoped would sitand be silent, --has broken the spell, dared to remember old times, sleeping under a counter, and the pugnacity of Brown, when they were ina _mess_ at the _blues_--making Captain de Camp think more of a militaryrepast than Christ's Hospital;--until the "_blues_" were dispelled byMr. Snobbins singing "The gallant 'prentice boy:"--not that the companywould have lacked a military man, had the Captain been absent, for therewas Cowed, the meek Bermondsey tanner, by livery a hatter, and withal asoldier--a member of the Hon. Artillery Company, --he who sang about Godblessing the old cow's hide, and a

 "Wish that his soul in heaven might dwell, Who first invented the leather bottel;"

--and, Mrs. Brown's brother, Mr. Barthe Brick, familiarly known as _the_"Brick, " who had just commenced a song, a parody upon FraDiavolo, --a something very, very low, supposed to be sung by a dealer inhearth-stones; who, at the end of each verse, vociferates "who'll buy, "heightening the illusion by trundling a chair, on its back, round thefamily circle, to represent a barrow. 

No one knows where the barbarous atrocities would have ended, and allbefore the refined strangers, too, had not the olive-branches--disposedfor rest by their several mammas in the room above--all awoke at once, tumbled out of bed, and joined in a combined cry; this breaks the familycircle--mothers fly to pack their turbulent innocents for travel; thecandles flare, and carriages clatter, grinding the flints in the lane. John, the footman, finds he has a dozen half-crowns, and Mary seven. Thelast fly has departed with the little Bricks; lights appear anddisappear in the bed-chambers; and the Christmas-day--that comes butonce a year--has vanished, like a dream!

Mr. Brown has jotted the events, in his Diary, in a hand scarcelylegible. It must have been penned in a somnambulistic fit--thinking hewas at a meeting of St. Stiff's vestry, in the union board-room, --for, after a list of member's present (the names of his guests), Captain deCamp in the chair, follow these minutes of proceedings:--Firstly, thatone Spohf be dismissed as organist of St. Stiff's, confined in theidiot-ward, fed on water gruel, and handed over to his own parish(Vienna); proposed by Latimer, and seconded by Wellesley de Camp. Thesecond proposition appears to be to the effect that a vagrant namedBrick, dealer in hearth-stones, be confined in the refractory-ward, andfed upon bread and water. 

The morning after the festivities London oversleeps itself:--and, awaking, finds it boxing-day. Variegated dips are being disseminatedamong delighted, dirty, juveniles; whilst the boys seem chagrined atnotices for "the extinction of abuses, " or "suppression ofChristmas-boxes;" which seems only to make them the more pertinacious atVictoria Villa: for an irregular dustman has chalked the post, and thePostman vowed to mark Mr. Brown; the Turncock is turned off; the Waitshave to "wait a little longer;" and the Beadle, who declared Mr. Brownno generous churchwarden, has, withal, found enough alcohol to make himstupid before night--causing that dignitary to cry a lost boy instead ofa girl, and to see twice as many posts round St. Stiff's as usual;taking half of them to be boys about to vault over the other half, he rushes on to disperse them, soundly chastising the granite. 

 [Illustration]

All the little boys secure their mites before mid-day; taking theirposts at the gallery-door of a popular theatre, five hours beforeopening, to practise that rare virtue, patience, at the shrine of "HotCodlings, " and "George Barnwell. "

 [Illustration: BOXING DAY. AN OFFENDED DIGNITARY OF THE CHURCH. 'BOLISH THE BOXES, INDEED: 'SPECT NEXT THEY'L 'BOLISH THE BISHOPS. -- WHAT'S A SEASON WITHOUT COMPLIMENTS?]

Master Ichabod Strap, in his richest yellow breeches, and burnishedbadge of St. Stiff the Martyr, is perambulating the parish with his gayphylactery, or Christmas-piece--"The History of Joseph, " painted, likethe coat, in many colours:--he shows it to Mrs. Brown, who approves theperformance; "stroking the head of modest and ingenuous worth thatblushed at its own praise;" measuring the boy at a glance, andproffering him promotion in the shape of an uniform, of buttons, justvacated by a youth--called by his peers "Nobby Jones, " but by hismistress "Alphonso;"--who, having grown to the great risk of buttons andstitches, was dispossessed of his regimentals, being sent home one darknight in his bed-gown. "Ichabod" promises to resign that title and allconnection with the dirty boys, to reign as Alphonso the second page;being missed by Mr. Spohf, for whom he used to blow the organ, in thelittle second floor--a bereavement Mrs. B. Enjoyed, saying, she wonderedhow the unworthy little animal would raise the wind now. 

There is an universal adage about risking sprats to captureherrings--a sport not unknown to our cosmopolite Captain, for he hadfished in troubled waters, and hunted for a dinner many a time;--he knewthe traps and snares to secure game, the days and seasons; so, onBoxing-day, he baits the servants with crowns; Tommy with a sovereign;Angelina with "The Keepsake;" Jemima with a modern-ancient missal, orportion of Scripture made dear and difficult to read; presenting Mrs. B. With the last new art manufacture--"The Knowing Blade, a brazen-facedsharper, to remove blunt;" and procuring for Mr. B. The skin of theidentical Bengal tiger he killed, as may be seen from a legend runningup the back bone--though an inscription on the tip of the tail states itto be sold by Fitch of Regent Street. The bait secures its amount offlat-fish; for that evening, Captain de Camp was more than usuallylucky--he caught enough at _ecarté_ to clear himself;--a freak offortune that caused no asperity in the noble breast of Brown; for hereare his own thoughts in his own words:--"December 26_th_, _Wednesday_(Boxing-day). --My dear friend, De Camp, has this day given us all tokensof the warmest attachment--sadly wanting to do something forme--'Colonial, ' 'War, ' or 'Admiralty. ' Not requiring anything just now, this will form an admirable reserve; I must, in the meantime, profit byhis refined society, as I hope and trust the girls will by his sons'. If there be any drawback to the delight I feel, it is the non-arrival ofhis luggage; for I am personally inconvenienced by his wearing my bestcoat. I may be over-scrupulous in wishing he would return the books hedevours with such avidity:--Mrs. B. Says, she thinks, the paragon ofknowledge swallows them; for they are not to be found. "

Next morning Ichabod enters the Brown suit and service, having spentBoxing-night and the proceeds of the Christmas-piece at the play, wherehe saw "Jane Shore" and "Harlequin House that Jack built;" the plot andtricks of which he recounted to Master Tommy, as he took that younggentleman for a walk, inoculating him with a great desire to go andbehold it. So, after having coaxed his mother, teased his father, andcried his lovely blue eyes into a good imitation of red veined marble, the youth triumphed; for on Thursday evening, they all went to the playin the fusty fly from Drone's yard, driven by old Drone, in hispepper-and-salt suit of pseudo livery, that looked as if he alwaysbrushed it with the currycomb; and so tindery about the breast, from thenumber of marriage-favours annually pinned there, that it is a wonder itholds together. Alphonso rode upon the box, giving the vehicle a certainamount of smartness. On their arrival under the dirt-embrowned porticoof the theatre, they are cordially recognised by the De Camps; who, thinking it a pity the box should not be filled, have just dropped downto see "London Assurance"--intending to quit before the pantomime, butforgetting to do so after all. 

 [Illustration]

During the play, Master Tommy disposes of a vast quantity of oranges andsponge-cakes--vanishing between each act to obtain a freshsupply;--making butterflies of the bill, and causing thedouble-barrelled _lorgnette_ (which was hired for the occasion from anadjacent oyster-shop) to slip off the cushion, falling upon a baldgentleman in the pit:--the excited little pest remarking everything, andfairly shouting at the discovery of Alphonso below, until chid by hismother. Oh! that we could participate in thy youthful enthusiasm, orfeel pleased at that hotch-potch--the overture; or, a thrill when themuffin-bell tinkles, causing the lovely drop-scene--that combined thegrandeur of the pretty Parthenon with the sublimity of VirginiaWater--to vanish into its own intensely blue sky; disclosing the"Harlequin House that Jack built, " and Mr. John Bull's huge paste-boardthick head, snoring like thunder, in a "property" summer-house--anelephantine blue-bottle on his proboscis, and a sleeping bull-dog, thesize of an Alderney steer, at his feet;--here Master Brown, with a grin, calls the house Victoria Villa, and the paste-board mask his papa. Nowenters the rat, to eat the good things that lay in the house that Johnbuilt, represented by a stealthy seedy gentleman, who, after reading aboard intimating that apartments were to let, crept slyly past thesleepy Bull, to mount the house-steps; and there deliver himself of thefollowing doggerel, in a mellifluous voice:--

 "I search for lodgings--here's the very thing, -- Though I've not got a _rap_, I think I'll _ring_; For all I want is to be _taken in_, -- As I would others _take_--sure 'tis no sin To do to others--only tit for tat-- So here goes--Rat--tat, tat--a tat!!!!!"

 [Illustration: HERE WE ARE AGAIN!]

The orchestra, loud in wishing to know "who's dat knocking at de door?"and Master Tom, deep in the bill, with Mr. Rat, who is there describedas a "scamp"--an unknown term to Tom, for he asked its meaning;observing that Uncle Brick said Captain de Camp was a scamp. Thisquestion remained unanswered; for no one heard it except the Captain, who felt a great itching to pull a young monkey's ears, but did not. Thecat (a sort of Puss in Boots, with a short stick and strip of paper)entering, to catch the rat, is worried by the dog; who is tossed by acow with a very crumpled horn; who was milked by a maid said to be veryforlorn; who is kissed by a sweet-looking beggar, all tattered andtorn--the loving pair being likened to Jemima and Latimer, by MasterTom, causing his sister's face to redden as a furnace, that heightenedthe more it was fanned; and when the priest, all shaven and shorn (whomTom called the Rev. Loyalla à Becket), commenced marrying the couple, then Miss Jemima entertained serious notions of fainting; and, probably, would, had not the solemnization of matrimony been violated by thepriest, who shed his sack-cloth surplice, vaulting over the rails of thealtar, between the astonished couple, leaving that sanctuary to changeinto a _match maker's_--appearing, himself, a perfect _clown_, statingthat sublime, veritable, truth--"_here we are again!_"--working hisgeometric, chromatic, physiognomy into endless contortions, extendinghis arms like the sails of contrary windmills, twiddling his legs like afly, --and when called upon, by unearthly voices, for "Tippytiwitchet, "appears so scared that he tumbles through the big drum, to oblige themwith the song from the slips; instantly afterwards presenting himselfupon the stage, dilating his spotted inexpressibles, until they put himin mind of a friend, _Pantaloon_, that, by a curious coincidence, resides at a tailor's, in the back-ground, having just completed apatch-work skin, for _Harlequin_; who, the instant he is fitted, fliesthrough the panel of a door, inscribed "_cutting-out_ room, " into thenext house, a _florist's_, there to obtain his favourite flower, the_Columbine_, with whom he has a long dance in the centre of a verysolitary street; whilst Clown and Pantaloon arrange a partnershipconcern, which they carry on in the middle of the road, in front of theshop, until Clown renders himself more plague than profit, by warminghis partner's lumbar region with a very red-hot goose, basting him withthe sleeve-board, and sticking him to the road with wax--Clowndissolving partnership by walking off, in a new wrap-rascal, with thecash-box, that no one may rob them. The best things must come to anend!--and so does the Pantomime--with a gorgeous display of red fire, tinsel and gold, real water and the electric light--all chopped off inthe middle by the descending curtain. The box-fronts have been envelopedin their night-gowns; the Columbine is clattering, in pattens, to herlodgings; the Harlequin has been bolted out, unable to vault through thefan-light; and the Clown is running in his painted face, havingforgotten to wash it, for at home he left a dear wife seriously ill, to come and be funny in sadness. 

 [Illustration: THE NOTORIOUS SINGER AT THE "WARREN, " SINGING HISCELEBRATED BITS "THE DROP" AND "THE DRAIN. "]

Drone's fly is homeward bound, heavily laden. The young men of the partyhave dived into "The Welsh Rarebit Warren, " there to spend the earlyhours of the morning, listening to sentimental songs chanted amid fumesof tobacco and spirits, to hear sorry wit, and make vapid remarks. Thegreat feature of the evening being a melodramatic dirge, supposed to besung by a condemned felon--a triumphant lamentation and delineation ofbrutal character, --so eloquent and thrilling, in its monosyllabic groansof anguish, that it is a wonder the kidneys, consumed in such numbers, are ever digested. But, alas!--such is life--those most swayed by animalpropensities see the least warning therein:--as, the thief combinesbusiness and pleasure at the gallow's foot; so, with the frequenters ofthe "Warren"--they imbue their sentiment and supper, --only digesting thelatter. Wellesley has devoured several "rabbits, " and Latimer disposedof numberless kidneys, whilst young Brown has had to wait the usualforty minutes for a steak; and, in the interim, had five "stouts, " four"goes, " and several cigars, _i. E. _, with assistance from the De Camps;who have made free, ay, to order goblets of champagne, and, in the end, not having change to repair the "damage" (a mean, but true, term, asoften applied), they get young Brown to pay the complicated sum added upby the waiter, upon a mahogany ditto, in lieu of a slate, with stalestout spilled in the corner, receipted with a wipe of the towel:--andso, home in the "safety" cab, with large wheels and a spankinggrey, --lettered along the side "_Nil desperandum_, " thinking "handsomeis as _Hansom_ does;" tumbling into bed just before the peep o' day, andfive hours after Mr. Brown had made up his Diary--writing againstDecember the 27th. , Thursday, that he had taken Tom and the girls to apantomime; been agreeably surprised to find the De Camps there, especially the sons, who did sit in front, with Jemy. And Angel. , looking made as much for one another as he could desire:--Tom behavingvery sadly; and, were it not for his mother, the boy should spend thevacations at a Yorkshire school;--twice every year--in the Dog-days andDecember--is the house turned topsy-turvy, --it may be sport to you, Master Tom, but 'tis death to us. 

 [Illustration]

Thus older grew the year, and fuller got the Diary--Mr. Browngraphically recounting the doings and disasters of "December 28_th_, _Friday_. --Unpropitious, fatal, Friday! I never knew it lucky save once, and then it _was_--I let the Albert. 'Christmas comes but once a year, 'with a train of nasty bills, not to be bilk'd; and sorry consolation isit thinking you 'paid at the time, ' when the receipt is not to be found. Miss-Fortune, that never came single, now visits with a large family oflittle pests--out of season and uninvited!--Here is Needy, the pianist, who, one would think, had married her; for he has children enough tofill a charity school. Needy, of No. 9, Brown Terrace, has abscondedwithout paying the rent--sending the key, and £12. 10_s. _, instead of£14. , with a shabby excuse about hoping to be able to make up thedifference some day:--this is the return for showing compassion to apoor devil!--I ought to have known, when I took the cottage-piano forlast quarter, though Spohf did say it was a six-and-three-quarters, worth three times the money!--I am a good-natured fool, and ought, in justice to my family, to be a little more selfish--these meanprofessionals estimating their rubbish far beyond all reason!--Myspirits are damped--and so are we all, for the water-pipes that thatrascal Plummer fixed, at the low contract, have burst with thisevening's thaw, and were discovered just as the water was coming in;having played, I know not how long, a fountain in the bathroom, tumblingdown the stairs like the falls of the Niagara, obliging us to inserttobacco-pipes all over the drawing-room ceiling, to drain theinundation:--it has spoilt the watered paper, stained the aquatint ofthe Aqueduct, and 'Wellington at Waterloo, ' done for the water-gilding, and saturated the 'Momentous Question;' the 'Heart's Misgivings' is asop; and the water-colour of the 'Flood' is washed away. Alphonso issitting up in goloshes to empty the pots, and I doubt much if I shallsleep over the dropping-well. "

 [Illustration]

How Mr. Brown slept we do not know, but can imagine, for here is theDiurnal Record, made up in bed:--"December 29_th_, _Saturday_. --DreamedVictoria Villa turned into a hydropathic establishment--that I was beingfrozen, thawed, and suffocated; did wake, this day, with an enlargedcheek--the influenza compelling me to keep my bed, bathe my chilblains, and anoint my nose; I take slops internally, and wear a heart upon theoutside of my chest. The kind, considerate Captain called, smoking acigar, that made me cough, and think his visit a visitation. "

 [Illustration: COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON. ]

The first Sunday after Christmas is here:--Brown is in bed; the littlebell of St. Stiff's has stopped, and many another vibratory sound isdying in the distance; flakes of snow are moodily descending--causingthe fire to spit angrily, and the face of heaven to look black--alllight appearing to come from the earth; sound is deadened, the carpet isdarker than usual, and the ceiling lighter; Mr. Brown's eyes are upthere, for he is lying, tracing amid the cracks and stains, vast palaceslike pictures by Martin, or aërial phantasmagorias by Turner. Brown islying, nursing his influenza according to the approved adage; thoughsome read the maxim thus, "Stuff a cold, and (have to) starve a fever. "Let us hope Brown has the right version. Captain de Camp has come toread to the invalid, and drink his brandy and water--he has begun"Blair's Sermons, " or rather the life of Blair, prefixed to the volume, in a full conviction of its religious tendency; whilst in the room aboveis John, the footman, standing upon his bed, breathing on the singlepane of glass, inserted in the sloped roof, that he may melt the snow, and see to read a mysterious document--a tumbled note, --not on the Bankof England, but an epistolatory one, found in the trowsers pockets ofMr. Latimer de Camp--the same cast off by that gentleman onChristmas-day, when he stumbled over the strange dinner, in coming fromchurch, and so much deteriorated their appearance as to give them toJohn;--who now, thinking he has found evidence, --thinks he alwaysthought he thought the De Camps scamps. John is perplexed at the purportof the letter; and feeling a cold thrill run through him, he turns intobed, there to reflect for ten minutes upon the downy pillow, ponderingwith intensely closed eyes, considering before he puts himself in thepower of an enemy--for John had been a soldier once, and would have beenone now, had not his poor old mother starved and mangled together enoughto buy him off; he bore the stamp of military drill, took in "Tales ofthe Wars, " in penny numbers, and had a cheap print of the "Battle ofWaterloo" pasted to the sloping roof, above the bed, in which we lefthim pondering. Having considered enough, he takes once more to thedocument, folding and unfolding it, examining the thimble impress on theseal, tasting a corner of it in his excitement, and reading it withintense energy for the last time: it is directed to "Latimer de Camp, Esq. , M. A. , Albert Villa, Mizzlington;" and was posted in the New Cut:--

No. 2, Grubb's Rents. 

"DEAR EDWARD, "I am anxiously awaiting the '_Conspiracy_, '--do not keep me insuspense!--_do_ DO it, for my _benefit_. --I sadly want _money_. Is the_plot_ too _horrible_ for you!--you know how to do for a '_Victoria_'company!--make a _domestic tragedy_ of it--_shoot_ the _father_ and_son_!--you know the rest. Pray communicate, or I shall think you introuble. 

"Your forlorn--EMMA. "

For this last perusal John appears none the wiser, being unable todivine more than at first--murder and treachery seem the plot. Johnthinks the Captain just like Gory, the murderer, in the Chamber ofHorrors, at the wax-works; and that Victoria Villa resembles "GreenacreHall, " depicted in the pictorial newspaper. John is sadly perplexed asto where he shall seek counsel--of course, thinking of every one foreignto the case; until, happily, he remembers one that ought to have beenthought of first--to Mr. Spohf will he send the mysterious note, ask hisadvice, and act upon it:--but, unfortunately, John sealed the envelopewith Mr. Brown's crest--a circumstance that made Mr. Spohf think theletter from his old friend Brown; so he answers it as such--feeling muchpleasure that _his_ advice should be sought;--saying, the enclosed noteappeared to be about some drama some one had to write--a document of noserious import. As to _strangers_, he should advise caution; for it isthe aim of a rogue to look as much like a trusty friend as possible;quiet watchfulness is well, for that can harm no one. This answer fromMr. Spohf was promptly delivered by the little tailor's daughter to theexpectant John; who naturally thought it for him. Curiously, John andhis master both owned the name of Brown--John Brown:--now John, theservant, was conscientious; and would not, on any account, have openedhis master's letters--he drew the line of propriety much furtheroff, --it stopped at reading in at the ends. John felt sure _this_ letterwas for him--not that he liked being called an esquire; yet, for allthat, he felt safe, for there, extra-large and important, was the word"_Private_"--a military distinction that made him doubly certain; so, he bore away the letter, in great trepidation, to his quarters in thetiles, there to be much relieved by its contents; vowing, as he lay onhis bed, to be watchful as the Duke on the look-out in his "Battle ofWaterloo, " and dumb as a dead drummer in the foreground. 

Happily Victoria and Albert were ignorant of these despatches, or Johnmight have lost his commission and uniform. Confidence isunshaken;--for, on December 30_th_, _Sunday_, Captain de Camp isreported a "glorious oriental brick, "--he having kindly prescribed allsorts of good things for his invalid friend, without the slightestregard to expense; and, moreover, broken Brown's quinsy by administeringan extraordinary anecdote, or "crammer, " that scarcely any one could_swallow_; but Brown did, and laughed so much afterwards, that thequinsy was gone; for the Captain had anecdotes suited to all times andseasons--he only wanted listeners, and off he went like an alarum. Sunday put him in mind of that day twelvemonths; and that day put him inmind of Richard Spark, of the Native Infantry; Rich. Spark put him inmind of how they got that Hindoo millionaire, Makemuchjee Catch-muchjee, into a Christian church, by walking him between them, in a state ofether; how he (the Hindoo) was mollified by the sermon, and wenthome--melted the Idol, Boobobum, that had golden hair, diamond eyes, pearly teeth, coral lips, a silver tongue, and a copper bottom; how hehanded her over in lumps to the church; and yet, with all these poeticalattributes she was the ugliest and most precious god he ever set eyeson. She was the subscription of the district--the poor put the copperand the rich the gold;--the Captain telling of how he made a posthumousportrait of her, which is quite correct; only he forgot five bosoms inthe bust, and left out a right arm:--it is engraved in No. 365 of the"Missionary Record. "

This paragraph opens with the last day of the old year. --The cold thatstiffened Mr. Brown's neck, and choked up his throat has thawed; hisnose has resumed its accustomed hue; his temper is unusually goodin the prospect of vacating his room, and beginning the year withredoubled energy. Mrs. Brown is preparing for something important;and, from the delicate scented note you observed inserted in ourchimney-glass-frame--the one with the Brown crest, a rampant locomotiveproper, and motto of "Go-a-head" (which, between ourselves, was _found_by a very subtle seal-engraver in Change Alley);--from that, and theremarks of Master Brown, when we called this morning, you may prettywell judge:--he said Jemy. Wrote such a lot o' letters the other day;that they have a pillow-case filled with oranges--quite a sack-full;and, moreover, his Ma'. Just was clever--for she said she could kill twoparties with one chandelier, and make rout-seats hold double! The factis, Mrs. Brown intends to give a ball on the 4th of January, and ajuvenile party on the 5th--the former to be extra-superb, on account ofthe De Camps; who, of course, are expected--having received aninvitation by post. We wonder the Browns did not write to invitethemselves; for John passed the Albert door in taking the Captain'sletter to the post, and the preparations were as much under the guidanceof those worthies as of the Browns themselves. The boudoir is in alitter--all cuttings of satin and book muslin, --in the midst of whichmay be seen pretty Miss Bib and little Madame Tucker, very busilyemployed--Lady Lucretia de Camp proffering advice; and superintendingthe construction of an amber satin, covered with black lace--a dressthat Mrs. Brown thought to wear, but felt obliged to resign, so much didher kind patron, Lady de Camp, dote upon it. 

Above this last-named apartment is Brown's bedchamber, where he and theCaptain are spending a quiet evening, reviewing their prospects andrelating their experiences:--the Captain stating his intention of livingretired upon his property, for all his friend Major Cant's trying topersuade him to take an adjoining house in Belgravia. No! he was contentto stay where he was--Albert was snug; but if Mr. Brown thought ofremoving to Mayfair or Tyburnia, why then, a house next such a capitalindividual might be a desideratum:--_he_ said it--an Army Captain thatshould not say it, but did not care, --stock-brokers and merchants weremen of bottom; though probably his friend Major Cant would say _that_bottom meant the _baser_ stuff they were composed of--the joke wasbetter than the simile, and neither bad. After this opinion theCaptain paused to think, drink, and--with a blow that madethe table quiver, --demand, to know what a man without money was_worth?_--answering the question, in the same breath, with an emphatic_nothing!_--a man of wealth _was_ a man of worth! We know not if Mr. Brown thought this logic or no;--but he, Captain de Camp, knew it, andintended to let his friends know it also; for next season he would givea grand entertainment, get Spread and Co. To throw a marquee over thelawn, and see if Major Cant would come--the Captain rather thought _he_would; or the Hon. Sam. Dummy--the coxcomb, who, when asked to dine withAlderman Fig, in Bloomsbury Square, said _his_ horses never crossedTottenham Court Road--Stinkomalee and the Brutish Museum savouring toomuch of the "people" for the exquisite;--but the Captain winked, andsaid he knew how the Dummy would get out of the fix--he would come alongthe New Road, as the Captain said he once knew him do, when in search ofan asthmatic poodle that had been stolen, and was at a dog-fancier's onPentonville Hill. Then should we have the lane filled with carriages, like at a Chiswick fête; I would introduce my friend to the world, andbe at rest;--for we are a couple of old boys, willing to make sacrificesfor our dear children. 

Having delivered himself of these lofty sentiments as the bells wereringing out the old year--stopping to strike its knell;--the Captainalso stopped, to seize a glass and the hand of Brown--wishing him themerriest, maniest, and happiest of New Years;--drinking eternal unity tothe B. 's and De C. 's--at the same time shedding a very visible tear, that dropped into his brandy and water, like the pearl of Cleopatra, to be sacrificed to self--to a very affectionate man--so _very_affectionate, that he loved himself, we do believe. 

The spirits and sentiment so overcame Brown, that he buried his emotionin the bolster--a state of mind the Captain did not fail to observe, andtake advantage of; for--"he supposed Mr. Brown could _not_ spare £8, until Saturday?"--An affirmation that gentleman repudiated; for hegranted the small favour with pleasure--presenting the leaf of an oblongbook, and his autograph, to the Captain; who retired with the same--byan ingenious plan to render it of ten times the value--adding to the_eight_ a letter _y_, making it eight_y_, and the figure to keep companywith a naught--£80. 

The events of this day are chronicled in the Diary of Brown--all_couleur de rose_, --the literal purport of which it would be tedious torepeat; suffice it to say, the aphorisms on the demise of the year ranfoul of the "_occasional memoranda_, " and were brought to a dead stop bythe "_general accounts_;" not that his ideas stopped on paper, for hecontinued them in bed. Brown dreamed "his ship had come home;"--that hedwelt in a Belgravian palace; that he was an M. P. ;--that he was known as_Brown_, the "King of 'Change"--that he ruled with an iron ruler--thathe was enthroned upon a cash-box--that he wore a crown of dollars--thatthe four quarters of the globe adored him--that Great and Little Britainworshipped him;--that the _world_ told his _wife_, Brown was a greatman:--but, alas!--trains of wild ideas, like locomotives that go toofast, may run off the rail when least expected, or explode as a train ofgunpowder, without notice; so, in Mr. Brown's imagination, he feels asif shot into the air, after being dreadfully scalded--Mrs. Brown, kindsoul, having applied a bottle of boiling water (forgetting the flannel)to the feet of her spouse, before retiring, herself--that good ladylittle thinking it was so warm. But there were other things Mrs. Browndid not know of; for she little thought the servants were round thekitchen-fire, quiet as mice, all deep in the "Mysteries of the Courtsand Sewers of London"--a work affording the greatest amount of horribleexcitement at the lowest rate, --a book in which Alphonso has discovereda Captain de Camp; and cook, a Lady Thingamy, whom, she says, "ain't nobetter than she should be"--a rather vague but significant truth, thatmight as appropriately have been applied to a saint as to a sinner, though cook intended it for the latter:--as to the Capting, the onlythink she had agin him was a wish he wouldn't spile everythink with soyand cayenne, for it got into the wash, and made the pigs sneeze. Mary, too, must have her opinion--saying Wellesley wasn't no gentleman, for hewiped his dirty boots on the towels, and would pull the plug out of thewash-bason when there was nothing under to catch the soapy water. Duringthis scandal, John, whom all thought knew something, only said theCaptain was _an umbug_--as he noiselessly disappeared, bearing his shoesin his hand; for it was considerably past midnight. 

Young Brown and his two friends are at the "Planets" harmonic meeting, stating their intention not to return till morning--an uselessproclamation, for it is impossible to do otherwise, now--they havingbeen at the Casino, "getting their feet in, " for the hop on Friday, as young Brown termed the practice of dancing. 

Mr. Spohf is in bed, but cannot sleep--so great is hispleasure, --Messrs. Blow and Grumble having patented "Spohf's neworgan-movement. "

"A Happy New Year--and may you live to see many of them!"--The New Yearis born with every characteristic of its defunct sire--seeming no betterbehaved (as some people would have little boys after a birthday or abreeching):--the old year died with a drizzle; and the young one, thateverybody hoped promising, is born with the same attributes. 

Mr. Brown is at his post again--the parish lamp-post at the corner ofthe lane--awaiting the "Favourite" omnibus, that is to bear him to theCity. He is trying to arrange the thousand and one little commissionshe has to execute for Mrs. Brown. How many he remembered or forgot weknow not; but that day he purchased a fair blank Diary--the stationerwho sold it not only wishing him "a Happy New Year, " but that hemight "live to fill fifty such:"--a wish that made Mr. Brown verycontemplative--thinking 18, 250 entries no joke;--of many bright, brightdays of pleasure; two score and ten of birthdays; half a century ofweddings, anniversaries, and deaths--let us hope of peaceful, happydeaths, --for clouds will sometimes gather, darkening the brightest sky;but, thank Heaven, there is plenty of sunshine for those who seekit--ay, to find it, too, though it be midnight and beside akitchen-fire. Of this new Diary the first page is penned with more carethan usual--as all first pages are:--there the De Camp dynasty reign inconfidence; and it is evident that Mr. Brown anticipates a gloriousfuture. 

Young Time, we have often imagined, must be born fledged; for he can flyquickly as his sire!--It is the 3rd of January--the day prior to Mrs. Brown's ball. --Thus thought we, wending our way to Victoria Villa;having promised the Miss Browns to step in and practise the"_deux-temps_" with them; but, as we have since heard, it is another newdouble-shuffle that is turning the brains of the dancing world justnow;--however, we went, and found Victoria in a pretty pickle--a perfectmixed pickle, we may say, --our dear young friends being much too busy toremember the appointment:--for there was the "Broadwood" standing uponthe landing; and Master Tom cutting out slides upon the bare boards inthe drawing-room, the carpet being taken to St. Stiff's Union, that itmight be beaten--a thing we exceedingly rejoiced in; for last year theguests were obliged to beat it with their feet, and afterwards to carrythe dust home upon their shoulders--the first polka being performed asif in the Great Desert, during a sand-storm. There was the chandelier(that looked all the year like a giant pear enveloped in holland) beingremoved to the parlour, and a much more splendid one suspended in itsstead. We peeped into the drawing-room, and had our dignity compromisedby a man on some steps; who directed us to "look alive and bring thathammer. " So, it being very evident we were in the way, we withdrew, tumbling over a barricade of fenders and other furniture in the hall, raised during our absence by the insurgent housemaids; who, we are sorryto say, seemed rather diverted at the mishap, for we heard them giggle, though of course we appeared not to notice, and tried to walk away witha joyous air; at the same time vowing never to visit, even our bestfriends, on the day prior to a party. 

So we took care to keep away until the memorable evening arrived; butbeing particularly requested to come early, and bring our amiablesisters, we wished to do so. The Brougham was waiting, as werewe--thinking to do so for some time:--having made up our mind and thestudy-fire--diving deep into the first book handy--an "Essay upon Lightand Shade in Painting. " Well, we were in the dark--with Rembrandt;--whenthe room appeared to fill with odoriferous vapour, and a blonde fairystealthily touched our shoulder, making a mock salutation, that startledus very much:--it was our playful sister, whom we complimented uponappearance and expedition; well knowing ladies to be unable to dress ina given time for a ball, whatever they may do for an opera!

 [Illustration]

However, we had no cause for umbrage on this occasion; for the carriagerumbled over the hard, dry, ground, just as St. Stiff's was strikingnine--the stars above, twinkling, as they only can, upon a clear, frostynight. Having knocked mildly, for fear of frightening Mrs. Brown thusearly, and been kept waiting some time, we were admitted; after beingtaken for Mr. Strap, the help, by John, whom we surprised in his fustianjacket and the middle of a fugitive tea. The ladies soon disappearedinto an upper region, not soon to return, leaving us to find amusementas we best could:--to examine the tiger-skin, ingeniously sewn upon aform to resemble a living animal (which, by the bye, it did not); topeep into the parlour, and discover the supper, looking mysteriouslyvast, by the light of one burner, very much turned down; to pace thehall; warm our kids at the Arnott; and, standing upon the mat, listen tothe unsophisticated talk without--speculating as to what a foreigntraveller could divine the conversation to mean, or the diurnaloccupation of the lanthorn-men to be:--

1st voice. "_Droves_, did yer say, in _Mad-ox_ Street?"

2nd do. "Yes, _herds_; I got eight _bulls_ and a _hog_ out of_Bullstrode_ Street. "

1st do. "See to that _bull's-eye_, _calf_; and, as there ain't no _kids_a-coming, I'll _toss_ yer for a _tanner_. "

Here "the noblest study of mankind" was broken off--Alphonso appearing. We left our men, to pace the hall--abandoning character for a slowmarch, --whilst the page constructed a scaffold of clothes-horses andtable-covers, forming a repository for hats, over the backkitchen-stairs; the lobby beyond which, we discovered had beenmetamorphosed into a still-room, and was now presided over by twopretty, plump damsels, in the finest cobweb caps--mere blond buttons, ofno earthly use, but, withal, very becoming:--one of these maids being inconverse with a young "gent. , " who, it appears, has been forgotten inthe excitement, and discovered here--his face very sticky with candy andcream. Master Thomas Brown, fearing that such search might be institutedfor him, has taken a great affection to the leg of the still-room table;from which he is coaxed by more attractive substances, seized, and borneup to bed--his yells becoming "small by degrees and beautifully less, "until lost altogether. 

 [Illustration]

Now comes Mr. Strap, to help and wait at table--in his huge whitecravat, yellow vest, and new pair of second-hand plush smalls, disappearing below to develope his calves, which are enveloped ingaiters, --gingerly beckoning the man with the bad hat, who had beentuning the piano, and Mr. Palaver, the Mizzlington Artist in hair, to follow, that they may escape by the back door. 

We had been promenading the hall for some time, having become prettywell acquainted with the pattern of the encaustic tiles with which itwas paved; and were going towards the entrance for the last time, pluming ourself that we might appear to the greatest advantage--for wefelt assured the ladies were descending, having heard a rustling andtittering;--when, just turning by the door, we were electrified by threedistinct bangs, that subsided into a sharp rat, with an infinity oftail, causing the lid of the letter-box to look as if it had the palsy, and ourself to retreat like a shot--feeling alternately hot and cold;whilst Strap, who, upon hearing Mrs. Brown's footsteps, began to be verybusy, performing a feat of strength with seven waiters, a copper scuttleand an ice-pail, is put in such trepidation that he loses his grip--allcoming to the flags; causing the greatest amount of clamour at thesmallest amount of sacrifice--Mrs. Brown saying she is happy it is notglass, and hoping Strap hasn't been drinking. The effect havingannihilated the cause, the door is not opened; so the dose getsrepeated, with similar gusto, by Fred. Lark--for it was he that gave the"stunner, " and witnessed the commotion through the attenuated windows ateither side the door, --a piece of pleasantry for which he gotstigmatised by Mrs. B. As a naughty, noisome, noisy man; and for whichhe himself proposed the _still_-room, as an antidote. Now, Mr. Lark isone of those funny little men, rather liked, because not over given tosarcasm, and quite capable of laughing at his own jokes; or rather thejokes he has picked up and disseminates--such whimsies in their placebeing very well, but out of it intolerable nuisances. Mr. Lark commencedhis vagaries in the still-room, when we were taking coffee, placing thetoast on the table, and the buttered bread to the fire; proffering thesugar to Miss Angelina; inquiring of that lady if she _liked_ hertea--because, if not, she might _lump_ it; and upon our observing somecracknels, as hard, the Lark said--it was _harder_ where there werenone; and that evening he completely confounded Mr. Brown, by informingthe worthy gentleman--he had not seen him this year!--nothing veryremarkable, considering it only three days' old; but enough, withal, to make Mr. Brown think of three hundred and sixty-five--doubting thestatement. 

Now arrive the musicians, with a gentle knock:--up goes the harp (like ahuge blade-bone in baize), followed by the cornet, violin, and pianist. We ascend:--Mrs. Brown popping and firing her parting injunctions inevery direction--at Alphonso, in the (library) coffee-room; at Mr. Strap, by the door; at John, by the foot of the stairs;--and, I wasgoing to say, at the listless supernumerary footman, lolling over thebanisters; who appeared in, or rather out of, character, by especialdesire, for this night only, being lent with the rout-seats at a suresalary. As Mrs. Brown passed this latter gentleman in silence, we couldnot help smiling--hoping she might have to think as well of his powersas he did himself, and that all titles entrusted to his care might besafely delivered; for we knew Mrs. Bramston would not be called_Brimstone_, without turning fiery; or Mr. Reynard Sly put up withanything but _Slée_, though he may write it Sly, himself. 

Having gained the drawing-room, and got fairly through themuslin-barrier in the doorway, which made the staircase look as if in afog, we found the appearance within very gratifying--everything well outof the way, and no stinting of wax-lights:--altogether exhibiting aclearer stage than is often to be met with--some antique people invitingyou to polk in an old curiosity shop;--as, the other evening, at theDowager Lady Oldbuck's, young Whisk, of the Heavies, brought down a_buhl_ table, covered with porcelain gimcracks; a thing that Larkobserved--ought to cure itself, if people wished to save their _Sèvres_. Evening parties are not the slow things they used to be:--here the backbalcony is all evergreens and tissue-paper blossoms, lit up with aChinese lanthorn--looking like a fairy bower, tenanted by four gapinggold-fish and a dissipated canary; the little boudoir, beyond, so snugin sage and silver, seeming but small accommodation for card-players. Wethought of Lady Oldbuck's--the valuable space occupied by _chaperones_and corpulent cronies, --blessing the new mode;--dances now beinggiven to dancers, not to dowagers and matrimonial slave-dealers, asheretofore. Mrs. Brown calculates her company; and thinking thereis enough for a quadrille in either room, she commences to formthem--pouncing, from time to time, upon timid young men by the door, whoare led forward, like lambs from a flock, to sacrifice, --until the setsare completed--all but one couple--Mrs. Brown stating herself"distressed for ladies;"--a combination of suffering by no means acute, for she stood up herself, having engaged the amiable young Slowcoach tofill the gap. 

 [Illustration: THE QUADRILLE. ]

No sooner did the orchestra commence--barely having finished thefirst eight bars of "the Martyrs", --than the guests came rushing upfrom the coffee-room, like sheep through a hedge, one bolder thanthe rest leading the way, causing Mrs. Brown to desert her partner in_l'éte_--a figure the gentleman feels bound to execute twice, though hewould much rather have been excused either performance; and upon Mrs. Brown's presenting a substitute he became so beside himself as to forgetthe figure--a mishap rendered none the clearer by a wag's performing _lapastorale_, when he ought to have done _trenise_, and moreover, not havedone it in such a facetious manner, as to render it a matter of doubt ifhe himself could have recognized it; the audacity being accompanied by acertain amount of shyness, that had to be hidden, altogether sadlyderanging our amiable youth's comprehension, he being led by hispartner, instead of leading _her_--to be left, alone, in a mentalpillory, a specimen of blushing mortification more diverting to beholdthan to experience;--but, upon being kindly treated by his gentlepartner, he recovers, in the _galop finale_, feeling truly grateful tothe guardian spirit that has conducted him through the purgatory. Ladies, be gentle with youthful bashfulness--it often arises from purefeelings, modest diffidence, or unselfishness;--such, unlike manyproficient dancers, carry their brains in their hats, and not in theirboots:--weigh your "_fantastic-toes_" against them, and see which arethe most empty. 

Somehow, the first quadrille is always unfortunate!--In the back roomthey succeeded no better than in the front:--here, Miss Charmer was topof the dance, as she always is, if it can be obtained; especially in the_Lancers_ or _Caledonians_ (which, we dare say, are pleasant quadrillesto those who know them, and the Charmer does). Well, she is top, withyoung Hoy (heir to Sir Hobbedy), for a partner, a brave youth at quoits, cricket, boxing, or boating--his hands, horny as a tortoise and large asPolyphemus', over which he split three right-hand gloves:--a glance willsuffice to show how much he is _out_ of his, and she _in_ her, element--Miss Charmer looking, Lark said, as if she would preferperforming the "first _set_" (or sit) upon a vacant seat, beside ArthurBeau, who has just arrived, and by whom, we know, she disliked to bequizzed;--so, upon the completion of the first eight bars, the Charmerflounced, bringing the flounces of her dress into contact with the barsof the grate, causing the smoke to come out, and Arthur to come round, that he might lean upon the shelf, engage himself for the next dance, and stand behind the fair partner, a fire-guard of honour, unable tokeep from smiling at Mr. Hoy, who dances upon his heels, as thoughenamoured of his large feet, and afraid of knocking his head against thechandelier. Their _vis-à-vis_ is a lively lady, apparently taking stockof a _bouquet_, but, in reality, joking an absent gentleman, opposite:--it is Miss Gay, whom Lark (her partner) is making laugh, byobserving--the gentleman is not so _absent_ as he ought to be; causingthat lady to forget herself--making many mistakes and false starts;which, being those of a person who knew better, were very diverting. Miss Gay is voluble as volatile, no subject coming amiss--she is nowspeculating as to how far the gentlemen will permit the buttons totravel down their backs, or their skirts to be curtailed; and Mr. Lark, unable to find a reason, must get up a contrary supposition--imaginingsome middle-aged ladies to resemble a cork-screw, as they have atdifferent periods shifted the waist from the armpits downward;--_waists_making us think of the short lady (in this set) with a very longone--Miss Price, only child of Alderman Price, chandler and dry-salter, of Candlewick ward--daughter and _hair_, as Mr. Lark jocosely observed, in allusion to the luxuriant red tresses of that lady;--saying her papawas the great crony of Sir Rich. Big, the free vintner, late ofPortsoken ward, who was found, or rather not found--having evaporated ofspontaneous combustion, before he could get to the civic chair, --leavingall his money to Price; who has retired, with his fat and the gout, toBayswater. Miss Price is a lovely dancer, appearing hollow (a thing MissGay did not doubt), like an India rubber ball in flounces; she is saidto have a beautiful hand, so small as to require only No. 6. Gloves--asif a pigmy hand could not be a deformity. She is invited, in a hope thatyoung Brown may make her a partner, for the dance of life; and is saidto be worth £150, 000--not by the pound weight, as the envious Miss Gayhinted. --No! No! naughty Miss Gay, be satisfied with Nature's gifts, anddo not covet lucre. 

Here comes young Brown, who has not danced before, to make arrangementswith Miss Gay, who has--and proved herself the _belle_ of theroom;--but, as gentlemen are now in the minority, she does not hint atbeing "engaged for the next, " or propose "the one after. "

There is a temporary lull, after the dance:--and in comes Captain deCamp, looking like a macaw in a dress-coat, leading Lady Lucretia deCamp, who resembles an apoplectic canary--so glittering is the ambersatin, --followed by the sons, who meander amongst the beaux and bareshoulders, in search of the Miss Browns--dancing with no one else allthe evening, --causing the gentlemen to think very little of the DeCamps, and the ladies less of the Miss Browns. Now, then, for apolka!--the rattling "Post knock Polka!"--Off! away they go, after agreat deal of reluctance and playful diffidence as to who should leadoff--Miss Charmer with Arthur Beau, twirling round and round, in and out(like an eel among skittles); followed by Mr. Latimer and Miss Jemima, who evidently intended to do great things, but only cause confusions andcontusions, until they get knocked into the open space, in the centre ofthe human vortex--the Charmer spinning, as a top that could not stop, while the music continued, like the automata in front of a street organ. There, there they go!--that is Lord Towney--he who came with Mr. Serjeant Wideawake, the Honourable Member for Bloomsbury--the fellow whogot acquainted with Brown, as brother-director of the "Dodo Assurance, "that didn't do, and was done up. His Lordship is son of the Marquis ofMary-le-bone--he that is flying with the pink flounces, --the buoyant, hollow, Miss Price, whose pretty button of a nose we do believe wasimpressed with the basket-work on her partner's fourth shirt-stud. Roundand round they twist--backwards, forwards, and sideways, --betweenparties parted, and openings that close again, --faster andfaster, --smiling, frowning, and apologizing, --growing swifter andswifter, --until the floor snapped, and rebounded with an awful crash. 

 * * * *

 [Illustration]

The visitors are in the room below--a scene of ruin and ruefulfaces;--the supper that was displayed there, in all its state, is donefor. Alas!--the chandelier has been polked off the hook--a mishap inwhich few sympathise, for the floor is said to be safe; Mr. Lark beingthe first to propose their going above, as he jokingly observed--tocrack the _party_-wall. Now, for that vastly-relished valse, the"Teetotum"--liked none the less for the late excitement!--_deux temps_against _trois temps_--the latter getting worsted; and the Brown girls, who danced every dance, with certain gentlemen, only, more and moreunpopular. 

 [Illustration]

As the evening progresses, the Wall-flowers become bolder;--some findingpartners for quadrilles; others edging up to the vacant recesses, rendering it now possible to get out at the door, and obtain air on thelanding--where several young fellows are congregated:--there young Larkwas laughing, we knew, at the Rev. Jewel St. Jones, the clerk in ordersat St. Stiffs, doing the _cavalier seul_--for we heard him say somethingabout early missal, or primitive Christian style, --joking the reverendgentleman's partner, Miss what's-her-name, the "lamp-post, " from No. 4, Bury Court, St. Mary Axe--that washed-out, faint, fair creature, --she, that looks as if you could see the back buttons of her dress throughfrom the front--that lady--well, do you see her?--It is said her motherkeeps her in a dark closet, that she may look like a consumptivegeranium:--however, Mr. Lark said _he_ did not believe it; and, as noone said they did, the matter ended. The stairs soon become a popularobservatory--several Wall-flowers joining the knot; one of whom mildlyremarks something about three silver-grey silks, in the fore-ground, andtheir being "much worn;" which Mr. Lark fully agreed in, as, he said, they appeared to have been _turned_ several times--a joke, at which theWall-flower faintly smiles, for the three silver-greys are hissisters:--however, nothing daunted, he is at it again, remarking uponmarriage, and people that look married; illustrating his theory bypointing out the juvenility of an aunt, who he says is a virgin:--Larkretorting--"_virging_ on fifty!"--a notification that begets muchlaughter, making the Wall-flower feel at a discount, and more than everdesire to say something smart; so, he pitches upon a gentleman withparenthetical (bowed) legs, observing that Brown has invited his tailor;moreover, wagering two to one, that if the gentleman, so libelled, wereasked to look at the splashes on the calf of his leg, he would take itup in front, and examine it in his hand, like a nabob or tailor, used tosit upon the floor; were he a Christian, he would look at it over hisshoulder:--here the Wall-flower turned for applause, looking over hisown shoulder to illustrate the anecdote--there to discover, Captain deCamp, the gentleman who introduced "Parenthesis, " a staff doctor, fromWoolwich (at least so the Captain said). But here we will leave them toproceed below, and see how matters progress in the supper-room:--

The chandelier, the treacherous culprit, that would not swing or hang inchains, is being borne away, clanking along the lower hall; the brokenglass has been picked out of the pastry, and the oily odour overcomewith _esprit de bouquet_--presenting, withal, a very effective_coup-d'oeil_:--though, we could fancy the tipsy-cake, in the formof a leaning-tower, if anything, a little more groggy; and that thecomposite Corinthian temple looked as if it had suffered from anearthquake--but there it was, for all the intense remorse of the cook, who thought the exhibition of so mutilated a work of art would injurehis reputation for ever--but it did not!--Neither did any one notice theloss of the frail effeminate brigand, that formerly tenanted the rotundaof barley-sugar; nor was it known that a treadmill had given place to alocomotive and tender--in sweets. 

The first portion of this banquet disappears merrily; therebeing no lack of the usual conserves, pasties, and geometricalbread-envelopes--supposed to contain something, but consumed without theslightest knowledge of their contents. 

After the ladies have supped and withdrawn, the gentlemen lay to, withimmense energy, as if to make up for the time they have been kept insuspense, creating great havoc amongst ruined fowls, or anything theycan lay hands upon--in the excitement, particularity having given placeto mirth. One gentleman has planted a spoon in his button-hole, afterthe fashion of a flower; and, of course, for his pains, got called a"Spooney, " by an unknown voice behind Mr. Potts, the tame apothecary, who is pouring, or rather measuring out, some champagne, _himself_, catching the final drop on the edge of the glass, as if it werecastor-oil:--the "Spooney, " thinking it Potts' voice, must make a jokein return; so begins with the rather hackney'd, but, as he thought, appropriate one, of _cham_pagne being better than _real_ pain or quininewine; and, upon Mr. P. 's essaying to answer, our "Spoon" diverted tosome tongue he was consuming, saying he liked it better than _Pott_ed_tongue_--an observation that made the apothecary's face flush, and the"Spoon" liken it to an article before them, a _claret-mug_. At this lastallusion the "Pott" got red-hot, and there is no knowing what would havebeen the consequences, had not the "Spoon" terrified the "Pott" byproclaiming "silence!"--in a stentorian voice;--and a gentleman risen, Dr. Portbin, the author of that elaborate essay on "Dribbling Babies, "in one thick volume, royal octavo--a work that nobody read, buteverybody thought a great deal of, for it gained its author avast infantine practice:--so, when the M. D. Rose, the "Pott"trembled--feeling greatly relieved to find the doctor only did so topropose the "ladies"--"health and long life to Mrs. Brown and theladies!"--a toast that was drunk with great enthusiasm, Mr. Larkvociferously applauding; at the same time stating, in an undertone--"the doctor meant a long life of ills and bills. " Dr. Portbin'ssentiment is echoed by Mr. Brown, who returns thanks in astereotype-speech, almost as original as a royal one; to which, insome points, it bore slight resemblance, the ideas being very muchgeneralized--there was an "alliance with foreign powers, " "acquisitionof territory, " and "friendly relations:"--altogether a prosperousallegory, which causes Captain de Camp to be "called upon;" and, in thatstyle of speech usually denominated "neat, " give very visible vent tohis inexpressible feelings--sketching several scenes, commencing atVictoria Villa and ending at St. Stephen's, --with a verse, intended tolook as if composed for the nonce; but, in reality, a work of muchstudy:--it was delivered with great emphasis--a composition for which wehad to blush, though, as faithful chroniclers, feel bound to insert--itran as follows:--

 "Victoria and Albert's big With city's wealth and soldier's glory: To Army, Queen, and Country swig: Improve, my friends, and prove the Tory!"

We do not think the Captain quite liked the word "swig, " but he couldfind no better in "Walker's Rhyming Dictionary;" or the lastexpression--but _Conservative_ could not be lugged in any how:--however, we must say, this ostensible improvisatorial effort produced a grandeffect, and a greater noise; which had scarcely subsided, when Mr. Serjeant Wideawake, the Honourable Member for Bloomsbury, and author of"Lays of a Liberal, " rose to retort, saying, --

 "We beg to doubt your precious rig, And I'll tell you another story: To _improve_ is to be a _whig_; But not to _improve-is-a-tory_!"

 [Illustration]

The effect of this latter burst of poetic fire was truly electric; itcompletely extinguished the Captain's impromptu glimmer, lighting upthat gallant bosom with a passion of another kind--he feels miserably"put out;"--and, like a dying rush-light in its last moments, seemeddetermined to end with a spark of unusual brightness. The Captain stooderect, awaiting his opportunity; but, alas!--it was one that never came;for the ventriloquist, that caused the rupture between Mr. Potts and the"Spooney, " made the "Lion" wince, by observing, "he hoped there would beno cruelty to animals"--a remark that made our "Lion" roarcontemptuously, and call the company "bears and monkeys"--he growling, with blood-thirsty pugnacity, about "satisfaction" and "ChalkFarm, "--the declamatory mania causing the irascible monster to mount aprojection in the recess, covered with a curtain, bringing down anavalanche of fenders, fire-irons, and other stowage, with a fearfulcrash--crowning the "king of beasts" with a helmet-scuttle, --thuspermitting the meaner animals to escape; leaving, as Mr. Lark (who cameout last) said, between frightful gusts of laughter oozing from hishandkerchief, Jackall Brown, the lion's provider, pacifying the enragedbrute with claret or soda water; and John in such an extreme fit of awe, that he has taken the state jug, with the hole in the bottom stoppedwith sealing-wax--only intended to hold cold water, into use, for hot;and, being unable to stop the orifice with his finger, drops thearticle--to the scalding of the already enfuriated "Lion. "

 * * * * * *

Feet were pattering above as we left this scene of strife--no timeseeming to have been lost during the consumption of the supper; for thehands of the clock, in the hall, pointed to an earlier hour than theydid when we descended:--the truth being, Lark, though rather fasthimself, thought Time too much so, and put him back a little. TheWall-flower is comparing the clock with his repeater. Lark isreprimanding him, saying--it is not _etiquette_ to do so; and thatreally some one ought to tell the vulgar thing, in green satin, who woreher button of a watch-face outward (fearing lest it should be taken fora locket), to turn the bauble round, for it is time she was in bed. 

Having been absent for a short period, we were informed by the Lark thatwe had _not_ lost a treat--for Jemima had been singing, "Memory, be thouever true!"--whilst Lark (perpetrating a dreary pun) said, he everymoment wished the music-stool would prove a _fall setto_, andprecipitate the lady to the ground; for it was a sad pity to hear poorSpohf's songs so murdered. 

They are now at a waltz--"the Olga, "--which is carried on with spirit, lasting a very long while--young Lark saying he does not waltz, for itmakes his head swim; and that he has an objection to stand holding bythe shelf, experiencing a sensation delightful as standing upon one'shead in a swing, before a lady that ought to have your bestattention;--however, for all Lark's protestations, we saw some one-sidedsmiles, as much as to say, _his_ vulnerable part, like that of Achilles, lay in the heels--an insinuation Lark could well afford to allow, for hedoes not live to _dance_, alone, like some sage, perfect, performers. 

After the "Caledonians" and another polk (which, for diversion, youngBrown has danced to the tune of the "College-hornpipe"--a pleasingeccentricity), followed a quadrille, _à la Française_, danced withoutsides, in two very long lines--a style reported to have been importedfrom a Casino, and not held to be proper by sober people. So, Potts gota disgust for the polka, and thought _it_ improper--a dance he neverpatronised or wished to--it being too _fast_ for the dullapothecary!--he hated it, because once an inveterate polkist nearlyknocked his _patella_, or knee-pan, off, with some hard substance in theflying tails of the dancer's dress-coat--a huge street-door key, thatought to have been left in the _paletôt_. 

Our evening is drawing to a close:--the mouths in the boudoir areassuming the shape of elongated O's--an epidemic that has extended tothe Wall-flowers; the "harp" has accompanied his instrument with fitfulsnores; the "violin" scarcely knows the back from the front of hisfiddle, or the "cornet" which end to blow into;--yet, upon being askedfor "Roger de Coverley, " they make a desperate effort to awake, for theyknow it to be the last dance--which is supported by the whole strengthof the company, --Captain de Camp leading off with Mrs. Brown, and Mr. Brown with Lady Lucretia. Thus ends the Christmas Ball!

The still-room is being besieged for coffee; and there is a greatdifficulty in obtaining hats and coats--unfortunately few of the ticketscorresponding, --for Alphonso's ward was precipitated down the kitchenstairs, it having been too heavily laden. Lady and Miss Highbury areseen to their carriage by Mr. Lark, who departs in Lord Towney's cab, with a "_Gibus_" hat, mechanically deranged--all wrinkles, like ajockey's boot. Upon being asked, by a lanthorn-bearer, "if his Honor hassuch a thing as a pint o' beer in his pocket?" Mr. Lark, with playfulirony, informs the supernumerary that malt liquor is not a solid, neither is it to be obtained at evening parties. 

To and fro, flit the Jack-o'-lanthorns, respectfully touching thebinding of their battered hats, covering the tiers of muddy wheels withtheir coat-tails, that the _tulle_ and _tartelaine_ may not bespoiled--hoping your Honour will "remember" them!--as they castuncertain shadows upon the icy pavement--ice that has been rendered nonethe less slippery by their cutting out a slide upon it, with theassistance of the police, during the evening:--such a banging of doors, clashing of steps, and stopping up the way, under the little awning, over the carriage-sweep--a pretty pass, so narrow that, we are sorry tosay, the hackney-drivers instituted a private road amongst the hardyshrubs, choking up the gates, to the great distress of pedestrians, whoare looked upon by the "lanthorns" as "shabby gents, "--paying nothingfor the privilege of walking;--they (the "lanthorns") viewing theimmunity, in the light of parsimony. However, we think walking home, after a party, under the influence of champagne, a dangerousexperiment:--the clear free streets seeming to court a "lark, " and thevery bells to invite pulling--"Visitors', " and "Night, " "Knock andRing, " (and run) also. 

We have since heard the fate of a rash expedition undertaken at thisseason, the band of adventurers consisting mostly of those gentlemen whohad passed the last half-hour dying for a cigar; and yet, by someunknown attractive power, felt bound to stay the entertainmentout--probably it was that such kindred souls might depart _en masse_;however, be it what it might, their first care was to obtain a light--atsome sacrifice, for the lamp-post had been newly painted; and, secondly, happening to pass Mr. Spohf's, they must serenade that gentleman withpathetic negro-melodies--about the loss of one "Mary Blane, " and aninjunction to "Susannah" not to sob, --until driven by the police intoanother beat, there to lose one of their band, who fell a victim to aninquiring spirit;--for, seeing an inscription on a door, to intimatethat its owner, a surgeon, gave "advice, gratis, between the hours offour and five, every Saturday, " he rang to demand the same (having thehead-ache), as it was just that time by St. Stiff's; but, unfortunatelyfalling into the clutches of No. 8, of the A division, he had to receivethe advice, from a magistrate, between eleven and twelve, at a fee offive shillings. 

 [Illustration]

We left Mr. Lark in Lord Towney's cab--again to take up with him, beingput down at the end of Bloomsbury Buildings, fearing the rattle ofwheels in that quiet _cul-de-sac_ would disturb the old Larks. Havingfound the door, and spent five minutes by the hinges--searching for thekey-hole, he gets within; and spends five more--trying to ignite anextinguisher;--cautiously stealing to bed, throwing his _paletôt_ overthe top banister, and the contents of its pockets down thewell-staircase, to the awakening of the whole house. 

At Victoria Villa the last guest has gone:--the De Camps havegone--departed with cordiality and love for all that is Brown, at thesame time sadly mortified with the impression made on that worthygentleman's friends. Mrs. Brown, worn out and exhausted, has given aparting glance round, with her night-lamp, and panted up to-bed; theMisses Brown have retired to their chambers; John feels very muchinclined to proclaim his opinion of the Captain, but is fearful of theconsequences; and Mr. Strap, who has fallen a victim to his weakpoint--strong drink, is rendered thereby quite incapable of makingeither a base to his person, or a fluent speech, as it seems he wished;for, upon meeting Mr. Brown by the stairs, he made a rush at theesteemed proprietor of that name, prophetically bidding him to"B-B-Beware of Captings in w-w-w-wolf's clo-o-othing, fur all isn'tgug-gug-gold as gl-l-l-litters, as the Rev-rind Miss-s-s-ster B-B-Bucketobserves, in the Proverbs of Sol'mon's songs. " Mr. Strap, after havingdelivered these sentiments, in what might have been called a _sotto_voice, to an imaginary Mr. Brown (for the reality had withdrawn to bed), performs an unsuccessful backward movement upon his heels--as if tosurvey his victim, --coming to the ground; where he lay until borne offby John, who thinks him a valiant fool. 

The persevering Brown, though much fatigued, does not postpone theDiary:--"January 4_th_, _Friday_--_Execrable_ Friday!--We this day gaveour Annual Ball--_we_, indeed!--why I knew nothing about it until allthe cards had been despatched. Mrs. Brown asks--just as Tom does, if hemay have the sugar, when it is half consumed:--_It was Mrs. Brown'sball_ in every sense. I did hope to have experienced more enjoyment forthe money. I have many a time been happier at half the price;--ay, happier when I was clerk at Chizzle and Filch's, in Aldermanbury; but, somehow, I suppose a man must make sacrifices for his friends, aspenurious old Chizzle did, when he paid the debt of nature, and left tome _that_ he could not take away! Not that I ever made any sacrificesfor Spohf--no, _he_ never asked it;--cheap trusty friendship is_something_!--I must own to feeling, all the evening, as if my collarhad too much starch therein; and more out of place in my own house thanthe 'white neckerchiefs' that waited at supper. I am like a fish out ofwater, and that fish, a flat-fish--caught with a bit of red rag;however, there must be a great deal in use--another element may bedelightful, when used to it. There is no doubt my old friend Wideawake'sattack upon the Captain was mere envy; and as to his insinuating that Ishould never eat a peck of salt with _that_ man--to say I shall neverknow _that_ man, is preposterous!--as to eating the literal peck, noman, probably, will do that; for the Captain has an aversion to salinefood, saying it makes the bones soft. I wonder if it has the same effectupon brains!--We shall see, Wideawake--we _shall_ see:--let this pagebear testimony! I hope the briny ocean may not swallow up the Captain'sluggage. "

Victoria and Albert slumber late on the morning of the 5th:--Alphonso isthe first up--or rather down, having rolled off his uncomfortable bed, constructed upon four chairs, in the drawing-room. Mrs. Brown, too, musthave risen on the wrong side of her teaster, so testy is she thismorning--thanking her stars that Twelfth-day has arrived, to put an endto the Christmas miseries!--Soon, now, will that little pest, Tom, be packed back to "Tortwhack House;" and the juvenile party, of to-day, it is hoped may appease some rampant mammas uninvited to the grand_réunion_--rendering any petty excuses that may be given the morefeasible. 

The day rolls rapidly away, though not with half the speed Master Browncould desire--the hands of the hall-clock appearing to creep so, thatevery time Tom passed it (and that was not seldom), he stopped to see ifit was going, the day seeming most unusually long, and night as if itnever would come; but it did!--firstly, bringing the little "Merrys, "from Hope Cottage, the Tudor lodge, next-door-but-one--Master WalterMerry being the first to answer Tommy's nubbly note of invitation, inintoxicated text capitals, that appeared to be making a desperate effortto run off the paper, at the right-hand corner, leaving no room to"remain, " and scarcely any to "please turn over;" so folded was it, togive the desired angular form, that the paper looked as if it had beenused to make five hundred geometrical cocks and boats. 

Tom met the Merrys with such fervent joy, that he never thought they hadhealths, or anything else to ask after; his only object, seeming to bethe finding of his friend, who is rolled, like a mummy, in numberlessboas and shawls:--during the process of unswathing, which was no easyjob to one in a hurry, so artfully were the pins introduced, MasterTommy treats his friend Walter to a railroad retrospective review of thegood things in store--recounting all the "lummy" things leftyesterday;--telling about the "nobby" Christmas tree Captain de Campgave them--though his ma' did say it was "a pretty give!"--it was stolenout of _his_ father's garden. --My father's a jolly sight richer thanyour's--he has more trees in his garden--ain't we got a "swag" of nuts, and a "plummy" twelfth-cake--my father won it at an _art-union_, in thecity! I am to draw King--if I don't, just see how I'll cry!--Mercy Merryshall be Queen. You shall have Punch off the cake; and ma'says I shallhave "Rule Britannia, " as soon as the waves and ice have melted away. 

 [Illustration]

Now a knock brings more visitors, the Masters Young, in all theungainliness of hobbledyhoyhood--that transmigratory period whencoat-tails are first developed:--they have come with their sister Flora, a lovely bud, expected "out" next season. Here are the Bells, thePetits, and the little Larks, with their big brother, the "jolly Lark, "who made his _début_ over the top of the drawing-room-door, standingupon the shoulders of your humble servant; who felt the "jolly Lark"anything but light, and no joke--though the juveniles must have thoughtit so, for we could hear their merry peals of laughter ringing joyously, dispelling the silence that had hitherto prevailed, overturning the sageinjunctions of _proper_ mammas, who teach their children to behave"pretty"--thinking _good_ and _quiet_ synonymous. Somehow, the littlefellows, unfortunately, take the Lark for Mr. Spohf, who has hithertodone the funny in a refined style, scarcely to be imagined--an elegant, amiable, fun, --a mixture of the buffoon and gentleman, the sublime andthe ridiculous, quite marvellous to behold, --making our little friend(who you are aware was moulded in one of Nature's odd freaks) appear, to tender imaginations, almost supernatural. The mistake and misplacedapprobation is very galling to Mrs. Brown; so much so that she becomesangry with the tea-urn, and, in turn, burns her fingers--venting her irein the shape of a box on the ears of Master Bold, who ventured to hintMr. Spohf's absence a "jolly shame;" and, now vows to tell hismamma--a thing it is very evident Mrs. Brown does not wish, for she hasshown a great deal of favour and contrition towards the young gentlemansince. 

The tea-tray having been removed, the burners of the chandelierheightened, and the Snuffle family had their row of little nosespolished by the eldest sister, preparations begin:--Miss Jemima playingthe pretty little "Hop o'my Thumb Polka, " and Tom, who has been sittingvery quietly beside Mercy Merry (vowing to marry her at fourteen, for"his father is so rich that he would give him five pounds a year to liveupon"), leads off, much to the mortification of those boys who will notbe "young gentlemen"--the many who won't, can't, and shan't dance! but, being bent upon mischief, dispose explosive spiders and chair-crackersabout the carpet;--one little mischievous fellow wishing he had broughtsome pepper to strew on the floor, and make 'em sneeze; however, theyget up a little excitement another way with the sofa-pillows, a shamfight, in which a parian Amazon falls beside Marian Bell, who "didn't goto do it;" so dancing is relinquished for games to suit allparties:--Hunt the Slipper, a sport carried on with great spirit, untilit is found there are slippers enough for three--a thing everybody holdsto be cheatery:--so that game is abandoned for Blind-man's-buff, themere mention of which, carries us back to childhood; and, as authorsoften lug in their thoughts (bits of nature) very unceremoniously, andat odd times, we may, possibly, be pardoned or praised for so doing. Well, we never hear mention of this game but we think of a bump we oncereceived during the sport, our blind ardour causing us to flounder in afender, and bruise our head, the remains of which will be taken to the"long home. " Well do we remember the spotted turban worn on thatoccasion--for we recollect, at the time, thinking "Belcher" a new term, just coined;--having our crown rubbed with brandy and taking a littleinternally, which appeared attracted by that externally, for it got inour head and made us very merry, causing the hiccups to such an extent, that we were called _Sir Toby Belch_ of "Twelfth Night; or, What youWill" notoriety (having drawn that character). Thus, brandy, Belchers, and Blind-man's-buff, hold an indissoluble partnership in ourmemory--a remnant of those days when we imagined a Jew incapable ofdealing in other merchandise than old clothes; or of shaving like aChristian, or, if he did, would do other than expose a pendant chin, resembling the _vertebræ_ of a horse's tail. Oh! those days haveflown--days when we imagined peas split by hand, and thought humanityfools for not making soup with whole ones--but we are sadlydigressing!--"It's not fair!" cry twenty voices--"the blind man cansee;" and so he could, for he always caught Miss Brown, who, afraid ofthe piano or pier-glass, would stand in the way:--so that sport isrelinquished for cake and Characters; the former seeming to afford greatgratification, and the latter little, save to the King and Queen--allother characters being, like the riddles, "given up, "--no one caring toknow when a sailor is not a sailor?--when he's a-_board_: or to be boredwith a door's being a-_jar_, and a man a-_shaving_. 

 [Illustration]

The rich cake is soon a ruin; so much is every part of it relished, thatone young gentleman has consumed the head and shoulders of MadameAlboni, under a delusion of her being sugar, and not "plaster ofparish, " as Mrs. Brown afterwards said it was. The little fellows soonget very mirthful on the ginger-wine; keeping up a continual buzz, likea colony of bees, sadly itching to be at something--a wish that is notto be realized at once, for little Miss Newsoince is going to do thateternal tattoo, the "_Rataplan_:"--yes, there she is, in Tom's felt-hatand polonaise, as "_La Vivandière_, " thumping upon an empty band-boxwith two knitting-pins, singing, as some of the mammas say, veryprettily; but as the boys, who have heard it many times before, designate it "a jolly bother!"--"a great big shame!"--"a precious dummyset out!"--and so on, --there being no _fun_ in it. 

This hum-drum over, a great cry is raised for _Forfeits_!--and a desirethat _a lady_ should _go out in a very great hurry_, as it would appear, almost in a state of destitution; for every young lady and gentlemanproffers to stand for some article of dress. Having settled whatthey will give, all sit round upon chairs, ready to hear the_lady's_ demands:--spin goes the trencher, and she wants her_Stockings_!--forward fly the hose, personated by a little fellow, withmottled legs, who had never stood in other than socks, but for all thatcan catch the revolving waiter, look slyly at _Bonnet_, make him thinkit his turn, and impudently call out "_Cap!_!"--so _Bonnet_ and _Cap_knock head to head, tumble on the trencher, and get fined. _Bonnet_shouts "_Boots!_"--_Boots_ begets "_Bustle!_"--and _Bustle_ begets agrand stir, by calling "_Double Toilet!_"--causing the whole wardrobeto leap from every chair, in every direction, a general confusion, --inwhich the _Boa_ slips off his seat, and forfeits a twenty-bladed knife. The _Boa_, spinning the tray again, calls "_Muff!_"--who, not being onthe alert, arrives when the waiter has wabbled its last, so the _Muff_has to pay a forfeit; but having nothing eligible upon his person, isfound a substitute, in a very ugly China pug-dog, afterwards called"_a very pretty thing_" by Miss Angelina to Miss Jemima, who awarded thepenalties, like a blind Justice saying her prayers, passing sentence, in the lap of the judge, who demands--"_Here's a pretty thing, a verypretty thing; and what is the owner of this very pretty thing to be doneto?_"

 [Illustration: HERE'S A LADY GOING OUT, IN A VERY GREAT HURRY, AND SHE WANTS-- A DOUBLE TOILET!]

Angelina sentencing the owner of the pretty pug to take a very prettyyoung lady into the corner, and spell "_op-por-tu-ni-ty_"--a spell the_Muff_ does not seem to know lies in taking the _opportunity_ to kissthe fair one, though he has all the evening been admiring her vastly, and would have given anything for such a chance; but next, having to"_lie the length of a looby, the breadth of a booby_, " _&c. _, he iseminently successful--yet, who shall say the ungainly cub may not oneday be an ornament to society! Poor _Muff_! he has no mother orsisters--the only specimens of girlhood known to him are the maids athome, and the school-master's daughter, that dines with theparlour-boarders at Addle House:--brave boy, thou art clever, butsemi-civilized! More "_pretty things_" are being redeemed--fans, gloves, lockets, handkerchiefs, and chatelaines, --all their owners beingappropriately "done to:"--the _Boa_ condemned to "bite a yard off thepoker;" and the _Visite_ to "salute the one he likes best"--which_Garters_ fancies will be her; so, she embraces the table-pillar, and hethe _Berthe_, instead--kissing her, sadly to the mortification of_Garters_, who did think the honour worth some trouble. Jemima andAngelina, having disposed of the judicial pawn-brokering establishment, stroke down their skirts, and send round the currant-wine; whilst MasterTom and a few other daring youths consume lighted candle-ends, made ofturnip, with almond wicks; and the merry little man, Lark, who can nomore be quiet than a robin in a rat-trap, is now hopping with a papertail, composed of this evening's "_Sun_"--a sun that seems to beincombustible, for the boys are trying to ignite it, but cannot, --onlywaxing Mr. Lark's pantaloons very much in the rear, and putting thecandles out--a trick that caused no end of diversion, not only to theperformers, but to every one; who laughed immoderately, moreparticularly when Mr. Lark led down Mrs. Brown to supper, theantimacassar adhering to his trowsers--the wax, upon sitting down, causing it to stick there. 

 [Illustration]

 [Illustration: THE CHRISTMAS TREE. ]

This brings us to the supper-table, and the Christmas tree, with itsblossoms of light--a very peculiar species of shrub:--we have heard ofbox-trees, plane-trees, lady's slippers, and sun-flowers, but neverremember to have seen or heard of a toy and candle-tree, figured in anywork on botany; nor should we have thought our little friends had everbeheld one before, for the brilliant supper seemed but small attractioncompared with the illuminated fir--all eyes appeared attracted to thequarter in which it stood; and when the youthful company were introducedto it, after the banquet, we felt glad the lower boughs were out of thereach of the younger branches, or they might, in their eagerness, havepulled it out of the disguised tub. As it was, some of the recipientstook the fruit intended for others:--for instance, Stephen Sharp ate allMiss Standby's basket of sweets, and then demanded the story-book thathad his name attached to it. All the fruit was not edible, for we saw anapple that tasted very much of the wood, being full of pips resemblingdoll's tea-things; whilst, upon suction, the pears emitted musicalsounds; and a biffin, like a pincushion, had the flavour ofbran--probably it was bran-new. 

 [Illustration]

The tree, now stript, is quite devoid of interest; for, upon Mr. Lark'sstarting some fun in the corner, none lingered by, not even to listen tothe bird-organ, that appeared to play under the table. Yes! there wasLark, at it again--doing anything to please!--Generous Lark!--his facecovered with a white handkerchief, a portion tucked in his mouth, overall wearing a pair of spectacles, with pupils (currants abstracted froma mince-pie) stuck thereon, causing the Lark to look very curious andodd--the children wondering what he will be at next!--for now, you mustknow, he has gone to prepare another excitement; being in thedrawing-room, whilst the visitors are in the parlour--curious beyond alldescription, beseeching the junior Mr. Brown, who is standing with hisback against the door, to prevent egress, just to permit them to depart;which, after a slight contest, he does--they rushing, pell-mell, to thedrawing-room, there to find an old birch-broom blazing in the grate, andthe recess covered with two sheets suspended by forks. In front of thesheets is a table; whilst in front of that table, stand the wonderinglittle crowd, speculating as to what the burning broom can have to dowith it, when a dwarf old dame appears, through a slit in thedrapery--as perfect a dwarf as ever breathed, --but three feet high, andso really true that no one for a moment doubts her identity or vitality. "She is a Witch!" cry all, that has come down the chimney. The dame bowsacquiescence, with numberless courtseys, telling the little company ofher immense age and adventures--recounting her history:--about the largefamily she kept in the shoe; about the refractory pig, that would notget over the stile; and her wonderful travels, to sweep cobwebs from thesky; so, after having danced a hornpipe; deplored the loss of hercarriage (_broom_); demanded the grunting pig, behind the curtain, to bequiet; and scraped an infinity of courtseys, she vanishes:--the sharpestboy in the room, Master Bold, rushing down stairs to catch a glimpse ofher, but only seeing us, in our shirt sleeves, wonders the more!--_parparenthèse_--we were one of the performers, escaping, to make room forthe Galanti show. So, whilst we leave the company to be amused thereby, we will, with the kind permission of Mr. Lark, instruct you how toconstruct an old dame; and afterwards tell the effect it had upon ouraudience:--

 [Illustration]

Firstly, procure a pair of small shoes and stockings--these place uponyour hands (which are to represent feet); next, tie round your neck ashort coloured pinafore, reaching down to your hands (or rather the olddame's feet)--this will represent a gown; now, place your shoed handsupon a table, to see effect; gird the gown with a proportionate apron, the strings of which will bind your arms and body together at the chest;put on a false nose, a pair of spectacles, a lady's frilled night-cap, and a comical conical hat; add a little red cloak, and draw the table upto a window or recess, the curtains of which pin at the back of yourshoulders; and standing thus, with your hands (the old dame's feet) uponthe table, you will represent the most perfect little dwarf (withoutarms) you can imagine; the hands are to be supplied by an accomplice, behind the curtain, who is to suit the action of those hands to thepleasantries you may invent. Thus, having given the necessaryinstructions, we leave the rest to be supplied by the actor; who may, if he pleases, render the old dame a medium of much merry conceit andpleasant mirth. Well do we remember the impression made at this party;for, as before stated, we performed the arms from behind the curtain, through which we occasionally peeped, getting a good view over theshoulders of Mr. Lark (the old dame), witnessing the astonished gapinggaze of the servant, who happened to enter the apartment at the moment, and stood transfixed to the spot, until the effigy had escaped. Onelittle boy was so impressed with the illusion, that he actually wentbelow, with some venturesome companions, in search of her; but soonreturned, rushing up stairs in a state of extreme terror, declaring tous (as he kept his eyes towards the door, fearing every moment she wouldappear), that he had seen the old dame, and heard her pig; the truthbeing, one of the party had grunted in a dark corner of the lobby, andfrightened the youth, who eventually became a prey to intense mentalanxiety--a trembling fear we attempted to dispel, without success, untilwe bore the little fellow below, he clinging tightly to us. In the lobbyMr. Lark showed the scared youth our trick, piece-meal--in the end, pacifying the young gentleman, though much do we think the old dame andher pig will never be forgotten by him:--he may grow to manhood, havechildren, loves and cares innumerable, traverse the seas, know war andfamine, yet do we think the old dame will stand boldly out, like a giantimage in the desert of the past--far more so than the Galanti show, exhibited afterwards, because really alive, and capable ofreason!--Though, _we_ had more reason to remember the show; for, the menwho performed it hung their hats and coats beside Mr. Lark's, and ourown; which, upon leaving, they did not identify:--though, we think theyought; as ours were considerably newer--one of their hats being a cap, and the other of dirty white felt!

After the departure of the show, we got up some sport with the sheetsupon which it had been performed, exhibiting our eyes through a hole, therein; those on the obverse trying to guess the proprietor of otherson the reverse--all the owners of bright eyes much enjoying the sport. But to recount the many pranks played by youthful blood that evening, would require a volume--everybody proposing everything; and everybodyelse, disliking the thing proposed, suggests some other:--one wantingHunt the Whistle; a second, to act Charades; and a third, some practicaljoke of the old school, such as the game we played with Mr. Lark, calledPorcelain Mesmerism, deceiving the little innocents into a belief thatmen are simple--much more so than they will find them, upon arriving atmaturity!--There we sat (two full-grown fools) staring at each other, with plates of water in our hands, the bottom of one sooty, the otherclean!--There we sat, face to face, alternately rubbing the bottoms ofthe plates, and stroking our physiognomies, in mockery of eachother--Mr. Lark getting his face blacked like a sweep, --the youngsterslaughing at his silliness!--Oh, that a little smut should produce suchecstatic mirth!

 [Illustration]

There is Walter Merry, looking like an eel in convulsions--imagining hehas been here about an hour:--you should have seen the expression of thelittle fellow, when Mrs. Brown gently tapped him on the shoulder, saying, "Master Merry, you're fetched!" Time was annihilated, and memorydumbfounded!--The entertainment that had been looked forward to fordays, counted by the hours, and put so many mammas in a pother, isgone!--The hands of the hall-clock are almost perpendicular--it wantsbut half-an-hour of midnight!--Several anxious mammas have sent severaltimes for their several little ones; and the several servants have beensent away with several evasive answers--for "the little dears areenjoying themselves so much!"--"Mrs. Brown's compliments to Mrs. Fidgets, and would she permit the little Fidgets to stay just tenminutes longer?" No!--the Fidgety footman is only to depart _with_ them;so he is sent to the servants' hall, there to wait, whilst snap-dragonis being prepared in the library--that the evening may end with a grandblue-fire _tableaux_. The room resembles the Black Hole ofCalcutta!--Hundreds of little itching fingers are longing to be amongstthat pound of raisins, in spirits--all eager, as imps, for the fiendishsport; the darkness and suspense rendering it very exciting--causingMaster Jewel (a model boy), who is "wanted directly, " to make no answerfrom the sable mass; until, the summons being repeated, he sayssomething that sounds very like "shan't come!"--and, Master Jewel doesnot come, until he has had his portion of the fiery food that is flyingabout in every direction. 

 [Illustration: MASTER MERRY AS HE APPEARED WHEN HE WAS "FETCHED"!!!]

 [Illustration]

 [Illustration: END OF JUVENILE PARTY. MASTER BROWN FEELS AS IF HE HAD HAD A GOOD MANY GOOD THINGS. ]

During the last hour Cook and John have held a _soirée_ below, to allthe neighbouring domestics, who are awaiting to escort home their littlemasters and mistresses--they are regaling upon ale and sandwiches, inthe servants' hall; whilst that most interesting topic, "every body'sbusiness, " is being discussed:--Mrs. Pest's maid assuring all, upon hersacred word and honour, that Mrs. Pest is not a angel, or the"Pest-house" a paradise, though it may look pretty over the garden-wall;and, moreover, Mrs. P. 's maid said she were of opinion the public knowedit, too; for t'other night some one painted out the fust letters, ag'inour door-post--making the direction, at the corner of the lane, "PlacidVale, " read "_acid ale_" instead, --no compliment, as the maid said, toMr. "Pest, Pewter, and Co. 's Entire;"--at the same time observing, thatit sarved 'em right! And, "as I hope, afore next Heaster, to lose myblessed Virgin Mary name, I'd go--if it wer'n't for the pale-ale-torycircumstances, I'd warn Missus! It was only yesterday, jist arter Mr. Pest had gone to Brewhus, in Liquorish St. , that we had a scrimmageabout flounces; and jist as I was a-going to fling my resignation ather--'tending to go out every evenin', till the month was up, in a goundzactly like Missus' own (lilock, with seven flounces)--well, jist when Iwas on the pint o' naming the word, I think'd o' little Ned Pest; and, as I loved the dear little fellow more than a paltry frock, I con'scended to stay!" Here the gardening-groom at the "Snuggery, "opposite, grinned and winked horribly, observing something about littleNed's being a "surfeit of finery"--finery that had to be shown andaired, --airing begetting the society of aubun viskers and hofficer X, 50!--_officers_, making Mr. "Snuggery" chuckle amazingly, and grinmore--observing hofficers to be all the "kick" now!--At the same time, jerking his thumb in the direction of the party-wall and the Albert, saying, he knew the Captain, --met _Boultoff_ at Bath, where he stayedlast season, until the waters were too hot, when he "dried up" (wesuppose by drying up, the "Snuggery" meant departed). No one appeared tonotice the different name applied to the Captain--or, if they did, saidnothing, --except Cook, who observed--her master and the Capting to be asthick as soup!--That she thought the former green and soft, as over-donespinach, for the Capting cut it very fat at master's 'spense;--theguvenor ought to save his bacon afore he be done to rags;--if missus udcome in for all the grizzle, she (cook) said she would not stew and fryherself about it. 

 [Illustration: "THE HYPOCRIPPLE! YOU DON'T SAY SO. " "YES, I PREDIGATE HIM TO BE AN HUMBUG. "]

Poor John, now fully assured of the Captain's intention, is veryuncomfortable, indeed; experiencing the combined sensationsof goose-skin, fever, pins-and-needles, live-blood, andintoxication--sensations that might have been relieved could theyhave vanished at the extremities of his hair; but, unfortunately, thatwould not stand erect, so plastered and powdered had it been since theCaptain's arrival. John ruminates upon what has been said, intending tomention the "unmentionables, " and break the awful mystery to Mr. Brown, that very night. Now, you must know, Mr. Brown and his friend, theCaptain, condescended to grace the juvenile party:--they sat atan occasional table, in the recess, drinking wine, as if for awager--trying to dispose of all the surplus decanted yesterday; so, you may suppose, when John appeared with a melancholy face, to impartmelancholy news, Mr. Brown was too far gone to comprehend it--that nighthe could not stand, much more understand; though, somehow, under theinspiration of a draught of water and a damp towel, the Diary was madeup, as if by instinct:--

"January 5th, _Saturday_. --Christmas is dead!--Expired with the Juvenileparty--we have economically disposed of the scraps. 'A MerryChristmas!'--All the _ill luck_ came upon Fridays--we can have no morethis season--altogether, a jolly Christmas, with a jolly friend, who isto prove himself a _capital_ one to-morrow--owes me £350--bill dueMonday, --says he will _clear off all by then!_ If 'money' is said to bea 'friend, ' what must a _friend_ with _money_ be?--A golden treasure, doubly dear--a companion that can never be a drag, because too welloff. "

Thus closes the Christmas portion of the Brown Diary:--its author, ascustomary on Saturday, dyeing his hair, before retiring to rest. But, somehow, that eventful evening, Brown could not repose in peace; heabused his best friends in sleep--dreaming the De Camps capable ofdecamping, after the bridal breakfast, with the dowry, across thesea--leaving Jemima and Angelina married vestals, --to make more moneyand fresh conquests in _Virginia_ or _Marryland_:--whither old Brownfeels bound to follow, in his night shirt, but is incapacitated, beingtied to the earth by a pigtail springing from the organs of amativeness, philoprogenitiveness, inhabitiveness, and adhesiveness! So exciting isBrown's dream, that he fancies the De Camps escaping--now, the bangingdoor of the Albert fairly awakening the sleeper; who, on attempting torise, finds the pillow really a fixture to the back of his head; whichhe tears away, in a rage, causing all the pleasing sensations that mightbe experienced on the removal of a tail by the roots. Brown rusheswildly to the window, opening the casement; and, upon looking into thepitch-dark night, he receives a blow from without, that causes him tostagger and reel backwards, falling to the floor, with a noise thatmakes Mrs. Brown rise in a fright, obtain a light, and severelyreprimand her lord as a drunken fool--capable of any wild fancy!

The naked truth stands thus:--Poor Brown has mistaken a bottle of gumfor hair-dye, and a closet for the casement--bruising his foreheadagainst the shelf; so, he creeps back to bed--there to lie, moralizingupon cause and effect!--Thinking, how trifling things, in themselves, may lead to disastrous consequences--reflecting upon the rivalbottles:--one black--all deceit, the other white and trusty! "Be notprecipitate, nor trust to appearances only, lest you bedeceived!"--a maxim, Brown fears, he cannot apply to the Captain; for, never did he know less of a man, of whom he ought to have known more. 

The 5th of January seemed to Brown as if it would never dawn!--The bumpthat took away and restored his senses, or, rather, sobered thatgentleman, feels like an egg placed in the centre of his forehead--helongs for daylight, to examine it:--daylight, that comes, and reducesthe egg to a walnut-shell!--Poor Brown's hat will not go on, for theexcrescence, so he cannot go to church. At breakfast he recounts hisdream--which is voted fudge by Mamma, stuff by Angelina, and rubbish byJemima; for they are in no very good humour after the excitement of lastweek. Little Tom is in bed, having broken his fast upon jalap, administered to counteract the baneful effects of the sweets consumedyesterday--the youth being full as a sack of sand; and, we think, couldan anatomist have given a section of the different strata of food thatbody contained, in the spirit of a geologist, he would have presented aremarkable series of deposits. But, away with scientific speculations, to the Browns, who are at breakfast--a meal that has been intruded uponby John; who has recounted enough of a certain story to put Jemima inhysterics, and Angelina in a fainting fit--bringing down a hurricane ofabuse upon him--John, the impertinent menial--John, the venomous viper, that has recoiled upon its benefactor--John, the dark villain, that hasplotted with the unworthy man, Spohf, who, of course, out of mere envy, mere spite, mere jealousy, would try to overturn that harmony that isnot to be broken so easily--that unity that is not to be severed, no, not for a hundred Spohfs! "Go--go, sir, to your fiddlinggarret-friend--go and blow his hurdigurdy!--Go, sir!--Tell him theaffections of innocent females are not to be played upon like a _basevile_!--Tell him there are ears to pull, horsewhips to be had, ay, andnoble gentlemen ever ready to lay on in defence of those scandalouslyreviled! You may tremble, sir, for menials can be discharged, and havecharacters to lose! Sir, I give you warning!--Sir, you may go!--Go, sir!"

Now, this is the very thing John much wished to do:--he had beenimperceptibly backing, for the last five minutes, towards the door, fearing to turn tail upon the enemy--the choleric Mr. And Mrs. Brown;who appeared, in their very fierceness, to counteract each other'sfire--each pulling the other back, seeming to get more and moreferocious the nearer their victim gained the door, --for, when the baitedJohn reached it, he turned the handle of the lock behind him, stillfacing his antagonists, intending to escape by a side lurch; but, justat that critical point, there came a knock of great importance at theouter door, as if the chimney were on fire, or a baby half out ofwindow:--the enemy fell back--John opened the door, and, lo!--Therediscovered an officer of the Police Force, who wanted a word with JohnBrown!--John, feeling himself the Brown wanted, retreats into thekitchen, where he faints away, in a plate-basket, and stops the Dutchclock. 

 [Illustration]

 * * * * * *

The Police Officer has had his word, or rather, word of words, with Mr. Brown:--news, said to be important, but of the wildest and mostimprobable character--news, appearing to that gentleman beyond allbelief--news, that he will not, can not, put faith in!--Allegations, sopreposterous, that they may be disproved in a moment--"Captain de Camp, _alias_ Boultoff, &c. , &c. , and three other persons, names unknown, now incarcerated in Dover Jail, for the robbery of John Brown, ofMizzlington"--a mistake--a foul plot--a base fiction!--At least, sothought the worthy gentleman, who was as ignorant of any wrong donehim as the lunatic that resides in the moon. Had the sea-serpent beendiscovered in the back pond, a gold-mine been found in the dust-bin, ora Sphinx and Centaur been captured in Lincoln's Inn Fields, Mr. Browncould not have been more astounded!--He knows it to be an imputationthat can be disproved in a twinkling, if Mr. Police Inspector will juststep next door with him; but, alas!--There the fox's tail is left in thetrap--the skirt of the very coat, borrowed of Mr. Brown, a fortnightsince, hangs in the door, --the very door that slammed, when theaffrighted gentleman awoke in a dream, last night. 

 * * * * * *

The concluding facts of these eventful sixteen days are simply asfollows:--to Mr. Spohf is the issue due--he was bound to spend thesabbath at Canterbury, with the cathedral and organ; upon the journeythither, he happened to recognise some fellow-travellers, better knownto him than he was to them. From a slight conversation that transpired, he learned their destination to be Boulogne, or rather, Dover; so hestopped at Ashford, telegraphing their persons to Dover, where, uponarrival, they were provided with lodging free of expense; from thatplace news was instantly sent to Mizzlington. Little did Mr. Brownthink, that morning, as he combed out his matted, gummy, locks, that hisfriend Captain de Camp had lost _his_, under the cruel shears, in DoverJail!

 [Illustration]

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Captain de Camp, as you may suppose, after these lucky _stars_, againentered upon foreign service; being ordered to New South Wales, forfourteen years--he sailed in the same transport with his two sons. LadyLucretia stayed at home, leading a very retired life--she resided in avast mansion at the "West-end, " a castle at Millbank. 

Mr. Spohf, of course, taking advantage of his rival's absence, wins uponMiss Jemima Brown--in the end, marrying her, to live happy everafterwards?--No, such was not the case! Mr. Spohf espoused Miss CeciliaLark, who blessed him with a large family and everything else that womancan. Spohf's means have increased, annually, with his family:--all aremusical, and the eldest girl is to be an "English Lark, " that willsurpass the "Swedish Nightingale, " or any other foreign bird--thecontinentalists attribute it to the southern origin of her papa; and, accordingly, claim Cecilia Spohf as their own. 

The Misses Brown still remain open to offers, and are reported to bewell _worth_ having. Mr. John Brown, Junr. , is married to Miss Gay;a better _match_ there could not be--they both pull one way; but, unfortunately the wrong one--rumour says they are extravagant. Tom is atWestminster School; he has not distinguished himself in any particularstudy, unless it be boating:--they say he would have won in the lastrace had he not broken his scull--a mishap that sadly terrified Mrs. Brown; for the note, intimating the catastrophe, said nothing about the_sculls_ being more wooden than her son's. Mr. And Mrs. Brown are reallyvery happy!--Victoria and Albert are now united--the party-wall isremoved. Mr. B. Has retired from business, not even discountingbills:--he does not go to the city now; or at least if he does, it isbehind Mr. Strap, who makes an important coachman, having filled outamazingly--may be, thinking, "he who drives fat cattle should himself befat;" for the bays are too corpulent to kick, and take the journeys attheir own pace. John--John Brown, "_private_, " now keeps a publichouse--"the Brown Arms, " "the Rampant Locomotive, " "Noted Brown StoutHouse, " at the corner of Brown Terrace:--it was a beer-shop when Johnfirst took it, but he has since obtained a _licence_, and married Mary, the house-maid. 

Mr. Brown is notorious for keeping up the festive Christmas season!--Henow makes it a rule to invite only those he loves or respects--notbecause they are well-to-do in this world, but because he likes oradmires them;--seeming fully assured of Time's progress, and that--

 CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR!

 The End. 

 The Cuts, inserted in the text, are engraved by the Brothers DALZIEL; the Plates (from zinc) printed by LEIGHTONS & TAYLOR; and the Letter-press by BENTLEYS & FLEY, Bangor House, Shoe Lane. 

 [Decoration]

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Notes and Errata:

De Camp : de Camp _variation as in original_Pue-packer at St. Stiff's _spelling "pue" used consistently_"December 21st, Friday" _the days of the week fit the year 1850_cramped caligraphy _spelling unchanged_under the misletoe _spelling unchanged_a list of member's present _apostrophe in original_[Picture caption]'SPECT NEXT THEY'L 'BOLISH THE BISHOPS. _spelling "THEY'L" unchanged_thinks he always / thought he thought the De Camps scamps _text unchanged_causing Mrs. Brown to desert her partner in / _l'éte_ _text unchanged, but illustration reads "l'eté"_assuming the shape of elongated O's _capital "O" elongated in print_and ma'says I shall / have "Rule Britannia, " _spacing unchanged_Hop o'my Thumb Polka _spacing unchanged_[Picture caption]"THE HYPOCRIPPLE! YOU DON'T SAY SO. ""YES, I PREDIGATE HIM TO BE AN HUMBUG. " _text reads "DO'NT" ("don't" appears elsewhere in text)_ _second-line open quotation mark missing_