AUGUSTUS DOES HIS BIT A TRUE-TO-LIFE FARCE By George Bernard Shaw I wish to express my gratitude for certain good offices which Augustussecured for me in January, 1917. I had been invited to visit the theatreof war in Flanders by the Commander-in-Chief: an invitation which was, under the circumstances, a summons to duty. Thus I had occasion tospend some days in procuring the necessary passport and other officialfacilities for my journey. It happened just then that the Stage Societygave a performance of this little play. It opened the heart ofevery official to me. I have always been treated with distinguishedconsideration in my contracts with bureaucracy during the war; but onthis occasion I found myself persona grata in the highest degree. Therewas only one word when the formalities were disposed of; and thatwas "We are up against Augustus all day. " The showing-up of Augustusscandalized one or two innocent and patriotic critics who regarded theprowess of the British army as inextricably bound up with Highcastleprestige. But our Government departments knew better: their problem washow to win the war with Augustus on their backs, well-meaning, brave, patriotic, but obstructively fussy, self-important, imbecile, anddisastrous. Save for the satisfaction of being able to laugh at Augustus in thetheatre, nothing, as far as I know, came of my dramatic reduction of himto absurdity. Generals, admirals, Prime Ministers and Controllers, notto mention Emperors, Kaisers and Tsars, were scrapped remorselessly athome and abroad, for their sins or services, as the case might be. ButAugustus stood like the Eddystone in a storm, and stands so to this day. He gave us his word that he was indispensable and we took it. Augustus Does His Bit was performed for the first time at the CourtTheatre in London by the Stage Society on the 21st January, 1917, with Lalla Vandervelde as The Lady, F. B. J. Sharp as Lord AugustusHighcastle, and Charles Rock as Horatio Floyd Beamish. AUGUSTUS DOES HIS BIT The Mayor's parlor in the Town Hall of Little Pifflington. Lord AugustusHighcastle, a distinguished member of the governing class, in theuniform of a colonel, and very well preserved at forty-five, iscomfortably seated at a writing-table with his heels on it, reading TheMorning Post. The door faces him, a little to his left, at the otherside of the room. The window is behind him. In the fireplace, a gasstove. On the table a bell button and a telephone. Portraits of pastMayors, in robes and gold chains, adorn the walls. An elderly clerk witha short white beard and whiskers, and a very red nose, shuffles in. AUGUSTUS [hastily putting aside his paper and replacing his feet on thefloor]. Hullo! Who are you? THE CLERK. The staff [a slight impediment in his speech adds to theimpression of incompetence produced by his age and appearance]. AUGUSTUS. You the staff! What do you mean, man? THE CLERK. What I say. There ain't anybody else. AUGUSTUS. Tush! Where are the others? THE CLERK. At the front. AUGUSTUS. Quite right. Most proper. Why aren't you at the front? THE CLERK. Over age. Fifty-seven. AUGUSTUS. But you can still do your bit. Many an older man is in theG. R. 's, or volunteering for home defence. THE CLERK. I have volunteered. AUGUSTUS. Then why are you not in uniform? THE CLERK. They said they wouldn't have me if I was given away with apound of tea. Told me to go home and not be an old silly. [A sense ofunbearable wrong, till now only smouldering in him, bursts into flame. ]Young Bill Knight, that I took with me, got two and sevenpence. I gotnothing. Is it justice? This country is going to the dogs, if you askme. AUGUSTUS [rising indignantly]. I do not ask you, sir; and I will notallow you to say such things in my presence. Our statesmen are thegreatest known to history. Our generals are invincible. Our army isthe admiration of the world. [Furiously. ] How dare you tell me that thecountry is going to the dogs! THE CLERK. Why did they give young Bill Knight two and sevenpence, andnot give me even my tram fare? Do you call that being great statesmen?As good as robbing me, I call it. AUGUSTUS. That's enough. Leave the room. [He sits down and takes up hispen, settling himself to work. The clerk shuffles to the door. Augustusadds, with cold politeness] Send me the Secretary. THE CLERK. I'M the Secretary. I can't leave the room and send myself toyou at the same time, can I? AUGUSTUS, Don't be insolent. Where is the gentleman I have beencorresponding with: Mr Horatio Floyd Beamish? THE CLERK [returning and bowing]. Here. Me. AUGUSTUS. You! Ridiculous. What right have you to call yourself by apretentious name of that sort? THE CLERK. You may drop the Horatio Floyd. Beamish is good enough forme. AUGUSTUS. Is there nobody else to take my instructions? THE CLERK. It's me or nobody. And for two pins I'd chuck it. Don't youdrive me too far. Old uns like me is up in the world now. AUGUSTUS. If we were not at war, I should discharge you on the spot fordisrespectful behavior. But England is in danger; and I cannot think ofmy personal dignity at such a moment. [Shouting at him. ] Don't you thinkof yours, either, worm that you are; or I'll have you arrested under theDefence of the Realm Act, double quick. THE CLERK. What do I care about the realm? They done me out of two andseven-- AUGUSTUS. Oh, damn your two and seven! Did you receive my letters? THE CLERK. Yes. AUGUSTUS. I addressed a meeting here last night--went straight to theplatform from the train. I wrote to you that I should expect you to bepresent and report yourself. Why did you not do so? THE CLERK. The police wouldn't let me on the platform. AUGUSTUS. Did you tell them who you were? THE CLERK. They knew who I was. That's why they wouldn't let me up. AUGUSTUS. This is too silly for anything. This town wants waking up. Imade the best recruiting speech I ever made in my life; and not a manjoined. THE CLERK. What did you expect? You told them our gallant fellows isfalling at the rate of a thousand a day in the big push. Dying forLittle Pifflington, you says. Come and take their places, you says. Thatain't the way to recruit. AUGUSTUS. But I expressly told them their widows would have pensions. THE CLERK. I heard you. Would have been all right if it had been thewidows you wanted to get round. AUGUSTUS [rising angrily]. This town is inhabited by dastards. I sayit with a full sense of responsibility, DASTARDS! They call themselvesEnglishmen; and they are afraid to fight. THE CLERK. Afraid to fight! You should see them on a Saturday night. AUGUSTUS. Yes, they fight one another; but they won't fight the Germans. THE CLERK. They got grudges again one another: how can they have grudgesagain the Huns that they never saw? They've no imagination: that's whatit is. Bring the Huns here; and they'll quarrel with them fast enough. AUGUSTUS [returning to his seat with a grunt of disgust]. Mf! They'llhave them here if they're not careful. [Seated. ] Have you carried out myorders about the war saving? THE CLERK. Yes. AUGUSTUS. The allowance of petrol has been reduced by three quarters? THE CLERK. It has. AUGUSTUS. And you have told the motor-car people to come here andarrange to start munition work now that their motor business is stopped? THE CLERK. It ain't stopped. They're busier than ever. AUGUSTUS. Busy at what? THE CLERK. Making small cars. AUGUSTUS. NEW cars! THE CLERK. The old cars only do twelve miles to the gallon. Everybodyhas to have a car that will do thirty-five now. AUGUSTUS. Can't they take the train? THE CLERK. There ain't no trains now. They've tore up the rails and sentthem to the front. AUGUSTUS. Psha! THE CLERK. Well, we have to get about somehow. AUGUSTUS. This is perfectly monstrous. Not in the least what I intended. THE CLERK. Hell-- AUGUSTUS. Sir! THE CLERK [explaining]. Hell, they says, is paved with good intentions. AUGUSTUS [springing to his feet]. Do you mean to insinuate that hell ispaved with MY good intentions--with the good intentions of His Majesty'sGovernment? THE CLERK. I don't mean to insinuate anything until the Defence of theRealm Act is repealed. It ain't safe. AUGUSTUS. They told me that this town had set an example to all Englandin the matter of economy. I came down here to promise the Mayor aknighthood for his exertions. THE CLERK. The Mayor! Where do I come in? AUGUSTUS. You don't come in. You go out. This is a fool of a place. I'mgreatly disappointed. Deeply disappointed. [Flinging himself back intohis chair. ] Disgusted. THE CLERK. What more can we do? We've shut up everything. The picturegallery is shut. The museum is shut. The theatres and picture shows isshut: I haven't seen a movie picture for six months. AUGUSTUS. Man, man: do you want to see picture shows when the Hun is atthe gate? THE CLERK [mournfully]. I don't now, though it drove me melancholy madat first. I was on the point of taking a pennorth of rat poison-- AUGUSTUS. Why didn't you? THE CLERK. Because a friend advised me to take to drink instead. Thatsaved my life, though it makes me very poor company in the mornings, as[hiccuping] perhaps you've noticed. AUGUSTUS. Well, upon my soul! You are not ashamed to stand there andconfess yourself a disgusting drunkard. THE CLERK. Well, what of it? We're at war now; and everything's changed. Besides, I should lose my job here if I stood drinking at the bar. I'm arespectable man and must buy my drink and take it home with me. And theywon't serve me with less than a quart. If you'd told me before the warthat I could get through a quart of whisky in a day, I shouldn't havebelieved you. That's the good of war: it brings out powers in a manthat he never suspected himself capable of. You said so yourself in yourspeech last night. AUGUSTUS. I did not know that I was talking to an imbecile. You ought tobe ashamed of yourself. There must be an end of this drunken slacking. I'm going to establish a new order of things here. I shall come downevery morning before breakfast until things are properly in train. Havea cup of coffee and two rolls for me here every morning at half-pastten. THE CLERK. You can't have no rolls. The only baker that baked rolls wasa Hun; and he's been interned. AUGUSTUS. Quite right, too. And was there no Englishman to take hisplace? THE CLERK. There was. But he was caught spying; and they took him up toLondon and shot him. AUGUSTUS. Shot an Englishman! THE CLERK. Well, it stands to reason if the Germans wanted to spy theywouldn't employ a German that everybody would suspect, don't it? AUGUSTUS [rising again]. Do you mean to say, you scoundrel, that anEnglishman is capable of selling his country to the enemy for gold? THE CLERK. Not as a general thing I wouldn't say it; but there's menhere would sell their own mothers for two coppers if they got thechance. AUGUSTUS. Beamish, it's an ill bird that fouls its own nest. THE CLERK. It wasn't me that let Little Pifflington get foul. I don'tbelong to the governing classes. I only tell you why you can't have norolls. AUGUSTUS [intensely irritated]. Can you tell me where I can find anintelligent being to take my orders? THE CLERK. One of the street sweepers used to teach in the school untilit was shut up for the sake of economy. Will he do? AUGUSTUS. What! You mean to tell me that when the lives of the gallantfellows in our trenches, and the fate of the British Empire, depend onour keeping up the supply of shells, you are wasting money on sweepingthe streets? THE CLERK. We have to. We dropped it for a while; but the infant deathrate went up something frightful. AUGUSTUS. What matters the death rate of Little Pifflington in a momentlike this? Think of our gallant soldiers, not of your squalling infants. THE CLERK. If you want soldiers you must have children. You can't buy emin boxes, like toy soldiers. AUGUSTUS. Beamish, the long and the short of it is, you are no patriot. Go downstairs to your office; and have that gas stove taken away andreplaced by an ordinary grate. The Board of Trade has urged on me thenecessity for economizing gas. THE CLERK. Our orders from the Minister of Munitions is to use gasinstead of coal, because it saves material. Which is it to be? AUGUSTUS [bawling furiously at him]. Both! Don't criticize your orders:obey them. Yours not to reason why: yours but to do and die. That's war. [Cooling down. ] Have you anything else to say? THE CLERK. Yes: I want a rise. AUGUSTUS [reeling against the table in his horror]. A rise! HoratioFloyd Beamish, do you know that we are at war? THE CLERK [feebly ironical]. I have noticed something about it in thepapers. Heard you mention it once or twice, now I come to think of it. AUGUSTUS. Our gallant fellows are dying in the trenches; and you want arise! THE CLERK. What are they dying for? To keep me alive, ain't it? Well, what's the good of that if I'm dead of hunger by the time they comeback? AUGUSTUS. Everybody else is making sacrifices without a thought of self;and you-- THE CLERK. Not half, they ain't. Where's the baker's sacrifice? Where'sthe coal merchant's? Where's the butcher's? Charging me double: that'show they sacrifice themselves. Well, I want to sacrifice myself thatway too. Just double next Saturday: double and not a penny less; or nosecretary for you [he stiffens himself shakily, and makes resolutely forthe door. ] AUGUSTUS [looking after him contemptuously]. Go, miserable pro-German. THE CLERK [rushing back and facing him]. Who are you calling apro-German? AUGUSTUS. Another word, and I charge you under the Act with discouragingme. Go. The clerk blenches and goes out, cowed. The telephone rings. AUGUSTUS [taking up the telephone receiver. ] Hallo. Yes: who areyou?... Oh, Blueloo, is it?... Yes: there's nobody in the room: fire away. What?... A spy!... A woman!... Yes: brought it down with me. Do you supposeI'm such a fool as to let it out of my hands? Why, it gives a listof all our anti-aircraft emplacements from Ramsgate to Skegness. TheGermans would give a million for it--what?... But how could she possiblyknow about it? I haven't mentioned it to a soul, except, of course, dearLucy... Oh, Toto and Lady Popham and that lot: they don't count: they'reall right. I mean that I haven't mentioned it to any Germans.... Pooh!Don't you be nervous, old chap. I know you think me a fool; but I'm notsuch a fool as all that. If she tries to get it out of me I'll haveher in the Tower before you ring up again. [The clerk returns. ] Sh-sh!Somebody's just come in: ring off. Goodbye. [He hangs up the receiver. ] THE CLERK. Are you engaged? [His manner is strangely softened. ] AUGUSTUS. What business is that of yours? However, if you will take thetrouble to read the society papers for this week, you will see that I amengaged to the Honorable Lucy Popham, youngest daughter of-- THE CLERK. That ain't what I mean. Can you see a female? AUGUSTUS. Of course I can see a female as easily as a male. Do yousuppose I'm blind? THE CLERK. You don't seem to follow me, somehow. There's a femaledownstairs: what you might call a lady. She wants to know can you seeher if I let her up. AUGUSTUS. Oh, you mean am I disengaged. Tell the lady I have justreceived news of the greatest importance which will occupy my entireattention for the rest of the day, and that she must write for anappointment. THE CLERK. I'll ask her to explain her business to me. I ain't abovetalking to a handsome young female when I get the chance [going]. AUGUSTUS. Stop. Does she seem to be a person of consequence? THE CLERK. A regular marchioness, if you ask me. AUGUSTUS. Hm! Beautiful, did you say? THE CLERK. A human chrysanthemum, sir, believe me. AUGUSTUS. It will be extremely inconvenient for me to see her; but thecountry is in danger; and we must not consider our own comfort. Thinkhow our gallant fellows are suffering in the trenches! Show her up. [Theclerk makes for the door, whistling the latest popular ballad]. Stopwhistling instantly, sir. This is not a casino. CLERK. Ain't it? You just wait till you see her. [He goes out. ] Augustus produces a mirror, a comb, and a pot of moustache pomade fromthe drawer of the writing-table, and sits down before the mirror to putsome touches to his toilet. The clerk returns, devotedly ushering a very attractive lady, brilliantly dressed. She has a dainty wallet hanging from her wrist. Augustus hastily covers up his toilet apparatus with The Morning Post, and rises in an attitude of pompous condescension. THE CLERK [to Augustus]. Here she is. [To the lady. ] May I offer you achair, lady? [He places a chair at the writing-table opposite Augustus, and steals out on tiptoe. ] AUGUSTUS. Be seated, madam. THE LADY [sitting down]. Are you Lord Augustus Highcastle? AUGUSTUS [sitting also]. Madam, I am. TAE LADY [with awe]. The great Lord Augustus? AUGUSTUS. I should not dream of describing myself so, Madam; but nodoubt I have impressed my countrymen--and [bowing gallantly] may Isay my countrywomen--as having some exceptional claims to theirconsideration. THE LADY [emotionally]. What a beautiful voice you have! AUGUSTUS. What you hear, madam, is the voice of my country, whichnow takes a sweet and noble tone even in the harsh mouth of highofficialism. THE LADY. Please go on. You express yourself so wonderfully! AUGUSTUS. It would be strange indeed if, after sitting on thirty-sevenRoyal Commissions, mostly as chairman, I had not mastered the artof public expression. Even the Radical papers have paid me the highcompliment of declaring that I am never more impressive than when I havenothing to say. THE LADY. I never read the Radical papers. All I can tell you is thatwhat we women admire in you is not the politician, but the man ofaction, the heroic warrior, the beau sabreur. AUGUSTUS [gloomily]. Madam, I beg! Please! My military exploits are nota pleasant subject, unhappily. THE LADY. Oh, I know I know. How shamefully you have been treated! whatingratitude! But the country is with you. The women are with you. Oh, doyou think all our hearts did not throb and all our nerves thrill whenwe heard how, when you were ordered to occupy that terrible quarry inHulluch, and you swept into it at the head of your men like a sea-godriding on a tidal wave, you suddenly sprang over the top shouting "ToBerlin! Forward!"; dashed at the German army single-handed; and were cutoff and made prisoner by the Huns. AUGUSTUS. Yes, madam; and what was my reward? They said I had disobeyedorders, and sent me home. Have they forgotten Nelson in the Baltic?Has any British battle ever been won except by a bold initiative? I saynothing of professional jealousy, it exists in the army as elsewhere;but it is a bitter thought to me that the recognition denied me by mycountry--or rather by the Radical cabal in the Cabinet which pursues myfamily with rancorous class hatred--that this recognition, I say, cameto me at the hands of an enemy--of a rank Prussian. THE LADY. You don't say so! AUGUSTUS. How else should I be here instead of starving to death inRuhleben? Yes, madam: the Colonel of the Pomeranian regiment whichcaptured me, after learning what I had done, and conversing for anhour with me on European politics and military strategy, declared thatnothing would induce him to deprive my country of my services, and setme free. I offered, of course, to procure the release in exchange ofa German officer of equal quality; but he would not hear of it. He waskind enough to say he could not believe that a German officer answeringto that description existed. [With emotion. ] I had my first taste of theingratitude of my own country as I made my way back to our lines. A shotfrom our front trench struck me in the head. I still carry the flattenedprojectile as a trophy [he throws it on the table; the noise it makestestifies to its weight]. Had it penetrated to the brain I might neverhave sat on another Royal Commission. Fortunately we have strong heads, we Highcastles. Nothing has ever penetrated to our brains. THE LADY. How thrilling! How simple! And how tragic! But you willforgive England? Remember: England! Forgive her. AUGUSTUS [with gloomy magnanimity]. It will make no difference whateverto my services to my country. Though she slay me, yet will I, if notexactly trust in her, at least take my part in her government. I am everat my country's call. Whether it be the embassy in a leading Europeancapital, a governor-generalship in the tropics, or my humble missionhere to make Little Pifflington do its bit, I am always ready for thesacrifice. Whilst England remains England, wherever there is a publicjob to be done you will find a Highcastle sticking to it. And now, madam, enough of my tragic personal history. You have called onbusiness. What can I do for you? THE LADY. You have relatives at the Foreign Office, have you not? AUGUSTUS [haughtily]. Madam, the Foreign Office is staffed by myrelatives exclusively. THE LADY. Has the Foreign Office warned you that you are being pursuedby a female spy who is determined to obtain possession of a certain listof gun emplacements? AUGUSTUS [interrupting her somewhat loftily]. All that is perfectly wellknown to this department, madam. THE LADY [surprised and rather indignant]. Is it? Who told you? Was itone of your German brothers-in-law? AUGUSTUS [injured, remonstrating]. I have only three Germanbrothers-in-law, madam. Really, from your tone, one would suppose thatI had several. Pardon my sensitiveness on that subject; but reports arecontinually being circulated that I have been shot as a traitor inthe courtyard of the Ritz Hotel simply because I have Germanbrothers-in-law. [With feeling. ] If you had a German brother-in-law, madam, you would know that nothing else in the world produces so strongan anti-German feeling. Life affords no keener pleasure than finding abrother-in-law's name in the German casualty list. THE LADY. Nobody knows that better than I. Wait until you hear whatI have come to tell you: you will understand me as no one else could. Listen. This spy, this woman-- AUGUSTUS [all attention]. Yes? THE LADY. She is a German. A Hun. AUGUSTUS. Yes, yes. She would be. Continue. THE LADY. She is my sister-in-law. AUGUSTUS [deferentially]. I see you are well connected, madam. Proceed. THE LADY. Need I add that she is my bitterest enemy? AUGUSTUS. May I--[he proffers his hand. They shake, fervently. From thismoment onward Augustus becomes more and more confidential, gallant, andcharming. ] THE LADY. Quite so. Well, she is an intimate friend of your brother atthe War Office, Hungerford Highcastle, Blueloo as you call him, I don'tknow why. AUGUSTUS [explaining]. He was originally called The Singing Oyster, because he sang drawing-room ballads with such an extraordinary absenceof expression. He was then called the Blue Point for a season or two. Finally he became Blueloo. THE LADY. Oh, indeed: I didn't know. Well, Blueloo is simply infatuatedwith my sister-in-law; and he has rashly let out to her that this listis in your possession. He forgot himself because he was in a toweringrage at its being entrusted to you: his language was terrible. Heordered all the guns to be shifted at once. AUGUSTUS. What on earth did he do that for? THE LADY. I can't imagine. But this I know. She made a bet with himthat she would come down here and obtain possession of that list and getclean away into the street with it. He took the bet on condition thatshe brought it straight back to him at the War Office. AUGUSTUS. Good heavens! And you mean to tell me that Blueloo was such adolt as to believe that she could succeed? Does he take me for a fool? THE LADY. Oh, impossible! He is jealous of your intellect. The bet isan insult to you: don't you feel that? After what you have done for ourcountry-- AUGUSTUS. Oh, never mind that. It is the idiocy of the thing I look at. He'll lose his bet; and serve him right! THE LADY. You feel sure you will be able to resist the siren? I warnyou, she is very fascinating. AUGUSTUS. You need have no fear, madam. I hope she will come and tryit on. Fascination is a game that two can play at. For centuries theyounger sons of the Highcastles have had nothing to do but fascinateattractive females when they were not sitting on Royal Commissions or onduty at Knightsbridge barracks. By Gad, madam, if the siren comes hereshe will meet her match. THE LADY. I feel that. But if she fails to seduce you-- AUGUSTUS [blushing]. Madam! THE LADY [continuing]--from your allegiance-- AUGUSTUS. Oh, that! THE LADY. --she will resort to fraud, to force, to anything. She willburgle your office: she will have you attacked and garotted at night inthe street. AUGUSTUS. Pooh! I'm not afraid. THE LADY. Oh, your courage will only tempt you into danger. She may getthe list after all. It is true that the guns are moved. But she wouldwin her bet. AUGUSTUS [cautiously]. You did not say that the guns were moved. Yousaid that Blueloo had ordered them to be moved. THE LADY. Well, that is the same thing, isn't it? AUGUSTUS. Not quite--at the War Office. No doubt those guns WILL bemoved: possibly even before the end of the war. THE LADY. Then you think they are there still! But if the German WarOffice gets the list--and she will copy it before she gives it back toBlueloo, you may depend on it--all is lost. AUGUSTUS [lazily]. Well, I should not go as far as that. [Lowering hisvoice. ] Will you swear to me not to repeat what I am going to say toyou; for if the British public knew that I had said it, I should be atonce hounded down as a pro-German. THE LADY. I will be silent as the grave. I swear it. AUGUSTUS [again taking it easily]. Well, our people have for some reasonmade up their minds that the German War Office is everything thatour War Office is not--that it carries promptitude, efficiency, andorganization to a pitch of completeness and perfection that must be, in my opinion, destructive to the happiness of the staff. My ownview--which you are pledged, remember, not to betray--is that the GermanWar Office is no better than any other War Office. I found that opinionon my observation of the characters of my brothers-in-law: one of whom, by the way, is on the German general staff. I am not at all sure thatthis list of gun emplacements would receive the smallest attention. Yousee, there are always so many more important things to be attended to. Family matters, and so on, you understand. THE LADY. Still, if a question were asked in the House of Commons-- AUGUSTUS. The great advantage of being at war, madam, is that nobodytakes the slightest notice of the House of Commons. No doubt it issometimes necessary for a Minister to soothe the more seditious membersof that assembly by giving a pledge or two; but the War Office takes nonotice of such things. THE LADY [staring at him]. Then you think this list of gun emplacementsdoesn't matter!! AUGUSTUS. By no means, madam. It matters very much indeed. If this spywere to obtain possession of the list, Blueloo would tell the story atevery dinner-table in London; and-- THE LADY. And you might lose your post. Of course. AUGUSTUS [amazed and indignant]. I lose my post! What are you dreamingabout, madam? How could I possibly be spared? There are hardlyHighcastles enough at present to fill half the posts created by thiswar. No: Blueloo would not go that far. He is at least a gentleman. ButI should be chaffed; and, frankly, I don't like being chaffed. THE LADY. Of course not. Who does? It would never do. Oh never, never. AUGUSTUS. I'm glad you see it in that light. And now, as a measureof security, I shall put that list in my pocket. [He begins searchingvainly from drawer to drawer in the writing-table. ] Where on earth--?What the dickens did I--? That's very odd: I--Where the deuce--? Ithought I had put it in the--Oh, here it is! No: this is Lucy's lastletter. THE LADY [elegiacally]. Lucy's Last Letter! What a title for a pictureplay! AUGUSTUS [delighted]. Yes: it is, isn't it? Lucy appeals to theimagination like no other woman. By the way [handing over the letter], I wonder could you read it for me? Lucy is a darling girl; but I reallycan't read her writing. In London I get the office typist to decipher itand make me a typed copy; but here there is nobody. THE LADY [puzzling over it]. It is really almost illegible. I think thebeginning is meant for "Dearest Gus. " AUGUSTUS [eagerly]. Yes: that is what she usually calls me. Please goon. THE LADY [trying to decipher it]. "What a"--"what a"--oh yes: "what aforgetful old"--something--"you are!" I can't make out the word. AUGUSTUS [greatly interested]. Is it blighter? That is a favoriteexpression of hers. THE LADY. I think so. At all events it begins with a B. [Reading. ] "Whata forgetful old"--[she is interrupted by a knock at the door. ] AUGUSTUS [impatiently]. Come in. [The clerk enters, clean shaven and inkhaki, with an official paper and an envelope in his hand. ] What is thisridiculous mummery sir? THE CLERK [coming to the table and exhibiting his uniform to both]. They've passed me. The recruiting officer come for me. I've had my twoand seven. AUGUSTUS [rising wrathfully]. I shall not permit it. What do theymean by taking my office staff? Good God! they will be taking our huntservants next. [Confronting the clerk. ] What did the man mean? What didhe say? THE CLERK. He said that now you was on the job we'd want another millionmen, and he was going to take the old-age pensioners or anyone he couldget. AUGUSTUS. And did you dare to knock at my door and interrupt my businesswith this lady to repeat this man's ineptitudes? THE CLERK. No. I come because the waiter from the hotel brought thispaper. You left it on the coffeeroom breakfast-table this morning. THE LADY [intercepting it]. It is the list. Good heavens! THE CLERK [proffering the envelope]. He says he thinks this is theenvelope belonging to it. THE LADY [snatching the envelope also]. Yes! Addressed to you, LordAugustus! [Augustus comes back to the table to look at it. ] Oh, howimprudent! Everybody would guess its importance with your name on it. Fortunately I have some letters of my own here [opening her wallet. ]Why not hide it in one of my envelopes? then no one will dream that theenclosure is of any political value. [Taking out a letter, she crossesthe room towards the window, whispering to Augustus as she passes him. ]Get rid of that man. AUGUSTUS [haughtily approaching the clerk, who humorously makes aparalytic attempt to stand at attention]. Have you any further businesshere, pray? THE CLERK. Am I to give the waiter anything; or will you do it yourself? AUGUSTUS. Which waiter is it? The English one? THE CLERK. No: the one that calls hisself a Swiss. Shouldn't wonder ifhe'd made a copy of that paper. AUGUSTUS. Keep your impertinent surmises to yourself, sir. Rememberthat you are in the army now; and let me have no more of your civilianinsubordination. Attention! Left turn! Quick march! THE CLERK [stolidly]. I dunno what you mean. AUGUSTUS. Go to the guard-room and report yourself for disobeyingorders. Now do you know what I mean? THE CLERK. Now look here. I ain't going to argue with you-- AUGUSTUS. Nor I with you. Out with you. He seizes the clerk: and rushes him through the door. The moment thelady is left alone, she snatches a sheet of official paper from thestationery rack: folds it so that it resembles the list; compares thetwo to see that they look exactly alike: whips the list into her wallet:and substitutes the facsimile for it. Then she listens for the return ofAugustus. A crash is heard, as of the clerk falling downstairs. Augustus returns and is about to close the door when the voice of theclerk is heard from below. THE CLERK. I'll have the law of you for this, I will. AUGUSTUS [shouting down to him]. There's no more law for you, youscoundrel. You're a soldier now. [He shuts the door and comes to thelady. ] Thank heaven, the war has given us the upper hand of thesefellows at last. Excuse my violence; but discipline is absolutelynecessary in dealing with the lower middle classes. THE LADY. Serve the insolent creature right! Look I have found you abeautiful envelope for the list, an unmistakable lady's envelope. [Sheputs the sham list into her envelope and hands it to him. ] AUGUSTUS. Excellent. Really very clever of you. [Slyly. ] Come: would youlike to have a peep at the list [beginning to take the blank paper fromthe envelope]? THE LADY [on the brink of detection]. No no. Oh, please, no. AUGUSTUS. Why? It won't bite you [drawing it out further. ] THE LADY [snatching at his hand]. Stop. Remember: if there should be aninquiry, you must be able to swear that you never showed that list to amortal soul. AUGUSTUS. Oh, that is a mere form. If you are really curious-- THE LADY. I am not. I couldn't bear to look at it. One of my dearestfriends was blown to pieces by an aircraft gun; and since then I havenever been able to think of one without horror. AUGUSTUS. You mean it was a real gun, and actually went off. How sad!how sad! [He pushes the sham list back into the envelope, and pocketsit. ] THE LADY. Ah! [Great sigh of relief]. And now, Lord Augustus, I havetaken up too much of your valuable time. Goodbye. AUGUSTUS. What! Must you go? THE LADY. You are so busy. AUGUSTUS. Yes; but not before lunch, you know. I never can do muchbefore lunch. And I'm no good at all in the afternoon. From five to sixis my real working time. Must you really go? THE LADY. I must, really. I have done my business very satisfactorily. Thank you ever so much [she proffers her hand]. AUGUSTUS [shaking it affectionately as he leads her to the door, butfast pressing the bell button with his left hand]. Goodbye. Goodbye. Sosorry to lose you. Kind of you to come; but there was no real danger. You see, my dear little lady, all this talk about war saving, andsecrecy, and keeping the blinds down at night, and so forth, is all verywell; but unless it's carried out with intelligence, believe me, you maywaste a pound to save a penny; you may let out all sorts of secrets tothe enemy; you may guide the Zeppelins right on to your own chimneys. That's where the ability of the governing class comes in. Shall thefellow call a taxi for you? THE LADY. No, thanks: I prefer walking. Goodbye. Again, many, manythanks. She goes out. Augustus returns to the writing-table smiling, and takesanother look at himself in the mirror. The clerk returns, with his headbandaged, carrying a poker. THE CLERK. What did you ring for? [Augustus hastily drops the mirror]. Don't you come nigh me or I'll split your head with this poker, thick asit is. AUGUSTUS. It does not seem to me an exceptionally thick poker. I rangfor you to show the lady out. THE CLERK. She's gone. She run out like a rabbit. I ask myself why wasshe in such a hurry? THE LADY'S VOICE [from the street]. Lord Augustus. Lord Augustus. THE CLERK. She's calling you. AUGUSTUS [running to the window and throwing it up]. What is it? Won'tyou come up? THE LADY. Is the clerk there? AUGUSTUS. Yes. Do you want him? THE LADY. Yes. AUGUSTUS. The lady wants you at the window. THE CLERK [rushing to the window and putting down the poker]. Yes, ma'am? Here I am, ma'am. What is it, ma'am? THE LADY. I want you to witness that I got clean away into the street. Iam coming up now. The two men stare at one another. THE CLERK. Wants me to witness that she got clean away into the street! AUGUSTUS. What on earth does she mean? The lady returns. THE LADY. May I use your telephone? AUGUSTUS. Certainly. Certainly. [Taking the receiver down. ] What numbershall I get you? THE LADY. The War Office, please. AUGUSTUS. The War Office!? THE LADY. If you will be so good. AUGUSTUS. But--Oh, very well. [Into the receiver. ] Hallo. This is theTown Hall Recruiting Office. Give me Colonel Bogey, sharp. A pause. THE CLERK [breaking the painful silence]. I don't think I'm awake. Thisis a dream of a movie picture, this is. AUGUSTUS [his ear at the receiver]. Shut up, will you? [Into thetelephone. ] What?... [To the lady. ] Whom do you want to get on to? THE LADY. Blueloo. AUGUSTUS [into the telephone]. Put me through to Lord HungerfordHighcastle... I'm his brother, idiot... That you, Blueloo? Lady here atLittle Pifflington wants to speak to you. Hold the line. [To the lady. ]Now, madam [he hands her the receiver]. THE LADY [sitting down in Augustus's chair to speak into the telephone]. Is that Blueloo?... Do you recognize my voice?... I've won our bet.... AUGUSTUS. Your bet! THE LADY [into the telephone]. Yes: I have the list in my wallet.... AUGUSTUS. Nothing of the kind, madam. I have it here in my pocket. [Hetakes the envelope from his pocket: draws out the paper: and unfoldsit. ] THE LADY [continuing]. Yes: I got clean into the street with it. Ihave a witness. I could have got to London with it. Augustus won't denyit.... AUGUSTUS [contemplating the blank paper]. There's nothing written onthis. Where is the list of guns? THE LADY [continuing]. Oh, it was quite easy. I said I was mysister-in-law and that I was a Hun. He lapped it up like a kitten.... AUGUSTUS. You don't mean to say that-- THE LADY [continuing]. I got hold of the list for a moment and changedit for a piece of paper out of his stationery rack: it was quite easy[she laughs: and it is clear that Blueloo is laughing too]. AUGUSTUS. What! THE CLERK [laughing slowly and laboriously, with intense enjoyment]. Haha! Ha ha ha! Ha! [Augustus rushes at him; he snatches up the poker andstands on guard. ] No you don't. THE LADY [still at the telephone, waving her disengaged hand behindher impatiently at them to stop making a noise]. Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh!!![Augustus, with a shrug, goes up the middle of the room. The ladyresumes her conversation with the telephone. ] What?... Oh yes: I'mcoming up by the 1. 35: why not have tea with me at Rumpelmeister's?... Rum-pel-meister's. You know: they call it Robinson's now... Right. Tata. [She hangs up the receiver, and is passing round the table on herway towards the door when she is confronted by Augustus. ] AUGUSTUS. Madam, I consider your conduct most unpatriotic. You make betsand abuse the confidence of the hardworked officials who are doing theirbit for their country whilst our gallant fellows are perishing in thetrenches-- THE LADY. Oh, the gallant fellows are not all in the trenches, Augustus. Some of them have come home for a few days' hard-earned leave; and I amsure you won't grudge them a little fun at your expense. THE CLERK. Hear! hear! AUGUSTUS [amiably]. Ah, well! For my country's sake--!