[Illustration: _From a photograph by H. S. Mendelssohn, 27, CathcartRoad, South Kensington, London. _ ANNIE BESANT. 1885]

ANNIE BESANT

AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY

Illustrated

LONDON

SECOND EDITION

PREFACE. 

It is a difficult thing to tell the story of a life, and yet moredifficult when that life is one's own. At the best, the telling has asavour of vanity, and the only excuse for the proceeding is that thelife, being an average one, reflects many others, and in troubloustimes like ours may give the experience of many rather than of one. And so the autobiographer does his work because he thinks that, at thecost of some unpleasantness to himself, he may throw light on some ofthe typical problems that are vexing the souls of his contemporaries, and perchance may stretch out a helping hand to some brother who isstruggling in the darkness, and so bring him cheer when despair hashim in its grip. Since all of us, men and women of this restless andeager generation--surrounded by forces we dimly see but cannot as yetunderstand, discontented with old ideas and half afraid of new, greedyfor the material results of the knowledge brought us by Science butlooking askance at her agnosticism as regards the soul, fearful ofsuperstition but still more fearful of atheism, turning from the husksof outgrown creeds but filled with desperate hunger for spiritualideals--since all of us have the same anxieties, the same griefs, thesame yearning hopes, the same passionate desire for knowledge, it maywell be that the story of one may help all, and that the tale of oneshould that went out alone into the darkness and on the other sidefound light, that struggled through the Storm and on the other sidefound Peace, may bring some ray of light and of peace into thedarkness and the storm of other lives. 

ANNIE BESANT. 

THE THEOSOPHICAL SOCIETY, 17 & 19, AVENUE ROAD, REGENT'S PARK, LONDON. 

_August_, 1893. 

CONTENTS. 

CHAP. 

I. "OUT OF THE EVERYWHERE INTO THE HERE"

II. EARLY CHILDHOOD

III. GIRLHOOD

IV. MARRIAGE

V. THE STORM OF DOUBT

VI. CHARLES BRADLAUGH

VII. ATHEISM AS I KNEW AND TAUGHT IT

VIII. AT WORK

IX. THE KNOWLTON PAMPHLET

X. AT WAR ALL ROUND

XI. MR. BRADLAUGH'S STRUGGLE

XII. STILL FIGHTING

XIII. SOCIALISM

XIV. THROUGH STORM TO PEACE

LIST OF BOOKS QUOTED

INDEX

LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS. 

ANNIE BESANT, 1885 _Frontispiece_

HOROSCOPE OF ANNIE BESANT _Page_ 12

ANNIE BESANT, 1869 _Facing page_ 86

THOMAS SCOTT _Facing page_ 112

CHARLES BRADLAUGH, M. P. _Facing page_ 212

CHARLES BRADLAUGH AND HENRY LABOUCHERE _Facing page_ 254

NORWICH BRANCH OF THE SOCIALIST LEAGUE _Facing page_ 314

STRIKE COMMITTEE OF THE MATCHMAKERS' UNION _Facing page_ 336

MEMBERS OF THE MATCHMAKERS' UNION _Facing page_ 338

CHAPTER I. 

"OUT OF THE EVERYWHERE INTO THE HERE. "

On October 1, 1847, I am credibly informed, my baby eyes opened to thelight(?) of a London afternoon at 5. 39. 

A friendly astrologer has drawn for me the following chart, showing theposition of the planets at this, to me fateful, moment; but I knownothing of astrology, so feel no wiser as I gaze upon my horoscope. 

Keeping in view the way in which sun, moon, and planets influence thephysical condition of the earth, there is nothing incongruous with theorderly course of nature in the view that they also influence thephysical bodies of men, these being part of the physical earth, andlargely moulded by its conditions. Any one who knows thecharacteristics ascribed to those who are born under the several signsof the Zodiac, may very easily pick out the different types among hisown acquaintances, and he may then get them to go to some astrologerand find out under what signs they were severally born. He will veryquickly discover that two men of completely opposed types are not bornunder the same sign, and the invariability of the concurrence willconvince him that law, and not chance, is at work. We are born intoearthly life under certain conditions, just as we were physicallyaffected by them pre-natally, and these will have their bearing on oursubsequent physical evolution. At the most, astrology, as it is nowpractised, can only calculate the interaction between these physicalconditions at any given moment, and the conditions brought to them by agiven person whose general constitution and natal condition are known. It cannot say what the person will do, nor what will happen to him, butonly what will be the physical district, so to speak, in which he willfind himself, and the impulses that will play upon him from externalnature and from his own body. Even on those matters modern astrology isnot quite reliable--judging from the many blunders made--or else itsprofessors are very badly instructed; but that there is a real scienceof astrology I have no doubt, and there are some men who are pastmasters in it. 

[Illustration: Horoscope of Annie Besant. ]

It has always been somewhat of a grievance to me that I was born inLondon, "within the sound of Bow Bells, " when three-quarters of myblood and all my heart are Irish. My dear mother was of purest Irishdescent, and my father was Irish on his mother's side, though belongingto the Devonshire Woods on his father's. The Woods were yeomen of thesturdy English type, farming their own land in honest, independentfashion. Of late years they seem to have developed more in thedirection of brains, from the time, in fact, that Matthew Wood becameMayor of London town, fought Queen Caroline's battles against her mostreligious and gracious royal husband, aided the Duke of Kent with noniggard hand, and received a baronetcy for his services from the Dukeof Kent's royal daughter. Since then they have given England a LordChancellor in the person of the gentle-hearted and pure-living LordHatherley, while others have distinguished themselves in various waysin the service of their country. But I feel playfully inclined togrudge the English blood they put into my father's veins, with hisIrish mother, his Galway birth, and his Trinity College, Dublin, education. For the Irish tongue is musical in my ear, and the Irishnature dear to my heart. Only in Ireland is it that if you stop to aska worn-out ragged woman the way to some old monument, she will say:"Sure, then, my darlin', it's just up the hill and round the corner, and then any one will tell you the way. And it's there you'll see theplace where the blessed Saint Patrick set his foot, and his blessing beon yer. " Old women as poor as she in other nations would never be asbright and as friendly and as garrulous. And where, out of Ireland, will you see a whole town crowd into a station to say good-bye to halfa dozen emigrants, till the platform is a heaving mass of men andwomen, struggling, climbing over each other for a last kiss, crying, keening, laughing, all in a breath, till all the air is throbbing andthere's a lump in your throat and tears in your eyes as the trainsteams out? Where, out of Ireland, will you be bumping along thestreets on an outside car, beside a taciturn Jarvey, who, on suddenlydiscovering that you are shadowed by "Castle" spies, becomesloquaciously friendly, and points out everything that he thinks willinterest you? Blessings on the quick tongues and warm hearts, on thepeople so easy to lead, so hard to drive. And blessings on the ancientland once inhabited by mighty men of wisdom, that in later times becamethe Island of Saints, and shall once again be the Island of Sages, whenthe Wheel turns round. 

My maternal grandfather was a typical Irishman, much admired by me andsomewhat feared also, in the childish days. He belonged to a decayedIrish family, the Maurices, and in a gay youth, with a beautiful wifeas light-hearted as himself, he had merrily run through what remainedto him in the way of fortune. In his old age, with abundant snow-whitehair, he still showed the hot Irish blood on the lightest provocation, stormily angry for a moment and easily appeased. My mother was thesecond daughter in a large family, in a family that grew more numerousas pounds grew fewer, and she was adopted by a maiden aunt, a quaintmemory of whom came through my mother's childhood into mine, and hadits moulding effect on both our characters. This maiden aunt was, asare most Irish folk of decayed families, very proud of her family treewith its roots in the inevitable "kings. " Her particular kings were the"seven kings of France"--the "Milesian kings"--and the tree grew up aparchment, in all its impressive majesty, over the mantelpiece of theirdescendant's modest drawing-room. This heraldic monster was regardedwith deep respect by child Emily, a respect in no wise deserved, Iventure to suppose, by the disreputable royalties of whom she was afortunately distant twig. Chased out of France, doubtless for causeshown, they had come over the sea to Ireland, and there continued theirreckless plundering lives. But so strangely turns the wheel of timethat these ill-doing and barbarous scamps became a kind of moralthermometer in the home of the gentle Irish lady in the early half ofthe present century. For my mother has told me that when she hadcommitted some act of childish naughtiness, her aunt would say, lookinggravely over her spectacles at the small culprit, "Emily, your conductis unworthy of the descendant of the seven kings of France. " And Emily, with her sweet grey Irish eyes and her curling masses of raven blackhair, would cry in penitent shame over her unworthiness, with somevague idea that those royal, and to her very real, ancestors woulddespise her small, sweet, rosebud self, so wholly unworthy of theirdisreputable majesties. 

Thus those shadowy forms influenced her in childhood, and exercisedover her a power that made her shrink from aught that was unworthy, petty or mean. To her the lightest breath of dishonour was to beavoided at any cost of pain, and she wrought into me, her onlydaughter, that same proud and passionate horror at any taint of shameor merited disgrace. To the world always a brave front was to be kept, and a stainless reputation, for suffering might be borne but dishonournever. A gentlewoman might starve, but she must not run in debt; shemight break her heart, but it must be with a smile on her face. I haveoften thought that the training in this reticence and pride of honourwas a strange preparation for my stormy, public, much attacked andslandered life; and certain it is that this inwrought shrinking fromall criticism that touched personal purity and personal honour added akeenness of suffering to the fronting of public odium that none canappreciate who has not been trained in some similar school of dignifiedself-respect. And yet perhaps there was another result from it that invalue outweighed the added pain: it was the stubbornly resistantfeeling that rose and inwardly asserted its own purity in face offoulest lie, and turning scornful face against the foe, too proudeither to justify itself or to defend, said to itself in its own heart, when condemnation was loudest: "I am not what you think me, and yourverdict does not change my own self. You cannot make me vile whateveryou think of me, and I will never, in my own eyes, be that which youdeem me to be now. " And the very pride became a shield againstdegradation, for, however lost my public reputation, I could never bearto become sullied in my own sight--and that is a thing not without itsuse to a woman cut off, as I was at one time, from home, and friends, and Society. So peace to the maiden aunt's ashes, and to those of herabsurd kings, for I owe them something after all. And I keep gratefulmemory of that unknown grand-aunt, for what she did in training my dearmother, the tenderest, sweetest, proudest, purest of women. It is wellto be able to look back to a mother who served as ideal of all that wasnoblest and dearest during childhood and girlhood, whose face made thebeauty of home, and whose love was both sun and shield. No otherexperience in life could quite make up for missing the perfect tiebetween mother and child--a tie that in our case never relaxed andnever weakened. Though her grief at my change of faith and consequentsocial ostracism did much to hasten her death-hour, it never brought acloud between our hearts; though her pleading was the hardest of all toface in later days, and brought the bitterest agony, it made no gulfbetween us, it cast no chill upon our mutual love. And I look back ather to-day with the same loving gratitude as ever encircled her to mein her earthly life. I have never met a woman more selflessly devotedto those she loved, more passionately contemptuous of all that was meanor base, more keenly sensitive on every question of honour, more ironin will, more sweet in tenderness, than the mother who made my girlhoodsunny as dreamland, who guarded me, until my marriage, from every touchof pain that she could ward off or bear for me, who suffered more inevery trouble that touched me in later life than I did myself, and whodied in the little house I had taken for our new home in Norwood, wornout, ere old age touched her, by sorrow, poverty, and pain, in May, 1874. 

My earliest personal recollections are of a house and garden that welived in when I was three and four years of age, situated in GroveRoad, St. John's Wood. I can remember my mother hovering round thedinner-table to see that all was bright for the home-coming husband; mybrother--two years older than myself--and I watching "for papa"; theloving welcome, the game of romps that always preceded the dinner ofthe elder folks. I can remember on the 1st of October, 1851, jumping upin my little cot, and shouting out triumphantly: "Papa! mamma! I amfour years old!" and the grave demand of my brother, conscious ofsuperior age, at dinner-time: "May not Annie have a knife to-day, asshe is four years old?"

It was a sore grievance during that same year, 1851, that I was notjudged old enough to go to the Great Exhibition, and I have a faintmemory of my brother consolingly bringing me home one of those foldingpictured strips that are sold in the streets, on which were imagedglories that I longed only the more to see. Far-away, dusky, trivialmemories, these. What a pity it is that a baby cannot notice, cannotobserve, cannot remember, and so throw light on the fashion of thedawning of the external world on the human consciousness. If only wecould remember how things looked when they were first imaged on theretinae; what we felt when first we became conscious of the outer world;what the feeling was as faces of father and mother grew out of thesurrounding chaos and became familiar things, greeted with a smile, lost with a cry; if only memory would not become a mist when in lateryears we strive to throw our glances backward into the darkness of ourinfancy, what lessons we might learn to help our stumbling psychology, how many questions might be solved whose answers we are groping for inthe West in vain. 

The next scene that stands out clearly against the background of thepast is that of my father's death-bed. The events which led to hisdeath I know from my dear mother. He had never lost his fondness forthe profession for which he had been trained, and having many medicalfriends, he would now and then accompany them on their hospital rounds, or share with them the labours of the dissecting-room. It chanced thatduring the dissection of the body of a person who had died of rapidconsumption, my father cut his finger against the edge of thebreast-bone. The cut did not heal easily, and the finger became swollenand inflamed. "I would have that finger off, Wood, if I were you, " saidone of the surgeons, a day or two afterwards, on seeing the state ofthe wound. But the others laughed at the suggestion, and my father, atfirst inclined to submit to the amputation, was persuaded to "leaveNature alone. "

About the middle of August, 1852, he got wet through, riding on the topof an omnibus, and the wetting resulted in a severe cold, which"settled on his chest. " One of the most eminent doctors of the day, asable as he was rough in manner, was called to see him. He examined himcarefully, sounded his lungs, and left the room followed by my mother. "Well?" she asked, scarcely anxious as to the answer, save as it mightworry her husband to be kept idly at home. "You must keep up hisspirits, " was the thoughtless answer. "He is in a gallopingconsumption; you will not have him with you six weeks longer. " The wifestaggered back, and fell like a stone on the floor. But love triumphedover agony, and half an hour later she was again at her husband's side, never to leave it again for ten minutes at a time, night or day, tillhe was lying with closed eyes asleep in death. 

I was lifted on to the bed to "say good-bye to dear papa" on the daybefore his death, and I remember being frightened at his eyes whichlooked so large, and his voice which sounded so strange, as he made mepromise always to be "a very good girl to darling mamma, as papa wasgoing right away. " I remember insisting that "papa should kiss Cherry, "a doll given me on my birthday, three days before, by his direction, and being removed, crying and struggling, from the room. He died on thefollowing day, October 5th, and I do not think that my elder brotherand I--who were staying at our maternal grandfather's--went to thehouse again until the day of the funeral. With the death, my motherbroke down, and when all was over they carried her senseless from theroom. I remember hearing afterwards how, when she recovered her senses, she passionately insisted on being left alone, and locked herself intoher room for the night; and how on the following morning her mother, atlast persuading her to open the door, started back at the face she sawwith the cry: "Good God, Emily! your hair is white!" It was even so;her hair, black, glossy and abundant, which, contrasting with her largegrey eyes, had made her face so strangely attractive, had turned greyin that night of agony, and to me my mother's face is ever framed inexquisite silver bands of hair as white as the driven unsullied snow. 

I have heard that the love between my father and mother was a verybeautiful thing, and it most certainly stamped her character for life. He was keenly intellectual and splendidly educated; a mathematician anda good classical scholar, thoroughly master of French, German, Italian, Spanish, and Portuguese, with a smattering of Hebrew and Gaelic, thetreasures of ancient and of modern literature were his daily householddelight. Nothing pleased him so well as to sit with his wife, readingaloud to her while she worked; now translating from some foreign poet, now rolling forth melodiously the exquisite cadences of "Queen Mab. "Student of philosophy as he was, he was deeply and steadily sceptical;and a very religious relative has told me that he often drove her fromthe room by his light, playful mockery of the tenets of the Christianfaith. His mother and sister were strict Roman Catholics, and near theend forced a priest into his room, but the priest was promptly ejectedby the wrath of the dying man, and by the almost fierce resolve of thewife that no messenger of the creed he detested should trouble herdarling at the last. 

Deeply read in philosophy, he had outgrown the orthodox beliefs of hisday, and his wife, who loved him too much to criticise, was wont toreconcile her own piety and his scepticism by holding that "women oughtto be religious, " while men had a right to read everything and think asthey would, provided that they were upright and honourable in theirlives. But the result of his liberal and unorthodox thought was toinsensibly modify and partially rationalise her own beliefs, and sheput on one side as errors the doctrines of eternal punishment, thevicarious atonement, the infallibility of the Bible, the equality ofthe Son with the Father in the Trinity, and other orthodox beliefs, andrejoiced in her later years in the writings of such men as Jowett, Colenso, and Stanley. The last named, indeed, was her ideal Christiangentleman, suave, polished, broad-minded, devout in a stately way. Thebaldness of a typical Evangelical service outraged her taste as much asthe crudity of Evangelical dogmas outraged her intellect; she liked tofeel herself a Christian in a dignified and artistic manner, and to besurrounded by solemn music and splendid architecture when she "attendedDivine service. " Familiarity with celestial personages was detestableto her, and she did her duty of saluting them in a courtly and reverentfashion. Westminster Abbey was her favourite church, with its dim lightand shadowy distances; there in a carven stall, with choristerschanting in solemn rhythm, with the many-coloured glories of thepainted windows repeating themselves on upspringing arch and clusteringpillars, with the rich harmonies of the pealing organ throbbing upagainst screen and monument, with the ashes of the mighty dead around, and all the stately memories of the past inwrought into the verymasonry, there Religion appeared to her to be intellectually dignifiedand emotionally satisfactory. 

To me, who took my religion in strenuous fashion, this dainty andwell-bred piety seemed perilously like Laodicean lukewarmness, whilemy headlong vigour of conviction and practice often jarred on her asalien from the delicate balance and absence of extremes that shouldcharacterise the gentlewoman. She was of the old _régime_; I of thestuff from which fanatics are made: and I have often thought, inlooking back, that she must have had on her lips many a time unspokena phrase that dropped from them when she lay a-dying: "My little one, you have never made me sad or sorry except for your own sake; you havealways been too religious. " And then she murmured to herself: "Yes, it has been darling Annie's only fault; she has always been tooreligious. " Methinks that, as the world judges, the dying voice spaketruly, and the dying eyes saw with a real insight. For though I wasthen kneeling beside her bed, heretic and outcast, the heart of me wasreligious in its very fervour of repudiation of a religion, and in itsrebellious uprising against dogmas that crushed the reason and did notsatisfy the soul. I went out into the darkness alone, not becausereligion was too good for me, but because it was not good enough; itwas too meagre, too commonplace, too little exacting, too bound upwith earthly interests, too calculating in its accommodations tosocial conventionalities. The Roman Catholic Church, had it capturedme, as it nearly did, would have sent me on some mission of danger andsacrifice and utilised me as a martyr; the Church established by lawtransformed me into an unbeliever and an antagonist. 

For as a child I was mystical and imaginative religious to the veryfinger-tips, and with a certain faculty for seeing visions anddreaming dreams. This faculty is not uncommon with the Keltic races, and makes them seem "superstitious" to more solidly-built peoples. Thus, on the day of my father's funeral, my mother sat with vacanteyes and fixed pallid face--the picture comes back to me yet, it soimpressed my childish imagination--following the funeral service, stage after stage, and suddenly, with the words, "It is all over!"fell back fainting. She said afterwards that she had followed thehearse, had attended the service, had walked behind the coffin to thegrave. Certain it is that a few weeks later she determined to go tothe Kensal Green Cemetery, where the body of her husband had beenlaid, and went thither with a relative; he failed to find the grave, and while another of the party went in search of an official toidentify the spot, my mother said, "If you will take me to the chapelwhere the first part of the service was read, I will find the grave. "The idea seemed to her friend, of course, to be absurd; but he wouldnot cross the newly-made widow, so took her to the chapel. She lookedround, left the chapel door, and followed the path along which thecorpse had been borne till she reached the grave, where she wasquietly standing when the caretaker arrived to point it out. The graveis at some distance from the chapel, and is not on one of the mainroads; it had nothing on it to mark it, save the wooden peg with thenumber, and this would be no help to identification at a distancesince all the graves are thus marked, and at a little way off thesepegs are not visible. How she found the grave remained a mystery inthe family, as no one believed her straightforward story that she hadbeen present at the funeral. With my present knowledge the matter issimple enough, for I now know that the consciousness can leave thebody, take part in events going on at a distance, and, returning, impress on the physical brain what it has experienced. The very factthat she asked to be taken to the chapel is significant, showing thatshe was picking up a memory of a previous going from that spot to thegrave; she could only find the grave if she started from _the placefrom which she had started before_. Another proof of thisultra-physical capacity was given a few months later, when her infantson, who had been pining himself ill for "papa, " was lying one nightin her arms. On the next morning she said to her sister: "Alf is goingto die. " The child had no definite disease, but was wasting away, andit was argued to her that the returning spring would restore thehealth lost during the winter. "No, " was her answer. "He was lyingasleep in my arms last night, and William" (her husband) "came to meand said that he wanted Alf with him, but that I might keep the othertwo. " In vain she was assured that she had been dreaming, that it wasquite natural that she should dream about her husband, and that heranxiety for the child had given the dream its shape. Nothing wouldpersuade her that she had not seen her husband, or that theinformation he had given her was not true. So it was no matter ofsurprise to her when in the following March her arms were empty, and awaxen form lay lifeless in the baby's cot. 

My brother and I were allowed to see him just before he was placed inhis coffin; I can see him still, so white and beautiful, with a blackspot in the middle of the fair, waxen forehead, and I remember thedeadly cold which startled me when I was told to kiss my littlebrother. It was the first time that I had touched Death. That blackspot made a curious impression on me, and long afterwards, asking whathad caused it, I was told that at the moment after his death my motherhad passionately kissed the baby brow. Pathetic thought, that themother's kiss of farewell should have been marked by the first sign ofcorruption on the child's face!

I do not mention these stories because they are in any fashionremarkable or out of the way, but only to show that the sensitivenessto impressions other than physical ones, that was a marked feature inmy own childhood, was present also in the family to which I belonged. For the physical nature is inherited from parents, and sensitivenessto psychic impressions is a property of the physical body; in ourfamily, as in so many Irish ones, belief in "ghosts" of alldescriptions was general, and my mother has told me of the bansheethat she had heard wailing when the death-hour of one of the familywas near. To me in my childhood, elves and fairies of all sorts werevery real things, and my dolls were as really children as I was myselfa child. Punch and Judy were living entities, and the tragedy in whichthey bore part cost me many an agony of tears; to this day I canremember running away when I heard the squawk of the coming Punch, andburying my head in the pillows that I might shut out the sound of theblows and the cry of the ill-used baby. All the objects about me wereto me alive, the flowers that I kissed as much as the kitten I petted, and I used to have a splendid time "making believe" and living out allsorts of lovely stories among my treasured and so-called inanimateplaythings. But there was a more serious side to this dreamful fancywhen it joined hands with religion. 

CHAPTER II. 

EARLY CHILDHOOD. 

And now began my mother's time of struggle and of anxiety. Hitherto, since her marriage, she had known no money troubles, for her husbandwas earning a good income; he was apparently vigorous and well: nothought of anxiety clouded their future. When he died, he believedthat he left his wife and children safe, at least, from pecuniarydistress. It was not so. I know nothing of the details, but theoutcome of all was that nothing was left for the widow and children, save a trifle of ready money. The resolve to which my mother came wascharacteristic. Two of her husband's relatives, Western and SirWilliam Wood, offered to educate her son at a good city school, and tostart him in commercial life, using their great city influence to pushhim forward. But the young lad's father and mother had talked of adifferent future for their eldest boy; he was to go to a publicschool, and then to the University, and was to enter one of the"learned professions"--to take orders, the mother wished; to go to theBar, the father hoped. On his death-bed there was nothing moreearnestly urged by my father than that Harry should receive the bestpossible education, and the widow was resolute to fulfil that lastwish. In her eyes, a city school was not "the best possibleeducation, " and the Irish pride rebelled against the idea of her sonnot being "a University man. " Many were the lectures poured out on theyoung widow's head about her "foolish pride, " especially by the femalemembers of the Wood family; and her persistence in her own way causeda considerable alienation between herself and them. But Western andWilliam, though half-disapproving, remained her friends, and lent manya helping hand to her in her first difficult struggles. After muchcogitation, she resolved that the boy should be educated at Harrow, where the fees are comparatively low to lads living in the town, andthat he should go thence to Cambridge or to Oxford, as his tastesshould direct. A bold scheme for a penniless widow, but carried out tothe letter; for never dwelt in a delicate body a more resolute mindand will than that of my dear mother. 

In a few months' time--during which we lived, poorly enough, inRichmond Terrace, Clapham, close to her father and mother--to Harrow, then, she betook herself, into lodgings over a grocer's shop, and setherself to look for a house. This grocer was a very pompous man, fondof long words, and patronised the young widow exceedingly, and one daymy mother related with much amusement how he had told her that she wassure to get on if she worked hard. "Look at me!" he said, swellingvisibly with importance; "I was once a poor boy, without a penny of myown, and now I am a comfortable man, and have my submarine villa to goto every evening. " That "submarine villa" was an object of amusementwhen we passed it in our walks for many a long day. 

"There is Mr. ----'s submarine villa, " some one would say, laughing:and I, too, used to laugh merrily, because my elders did, though myunderstanding of the difference between suburban and submarine was ona par with that of the honest grocer. 

My mother had fortunately found a boy, whose parents were glad to placehim in her charge, of about the age of her own son, to educate withhim; and by this means she was able to pay for a tutor, to prepare thetwo boys for school. The tutor had a cork leg, which was a source ofserious trouble to me, for it stuck out straight behind when we kneltdown to family prayers--conduct which struck me as irreverent andunbecoming, but which I always felt a desire to imitate. After about ayear my mother found a house which she thought would suit her scheme, namely, to obtain permission from Dr. Vaughan, the then head-master ofHarrow, to take some boys into her house, and so gain means ofeducation for her own son. Dr. Vaughan, who must have been won by thegentle, strong, little woman, from that time forth became her earnestfriend and helper; and to the counsel and active assistance both ofhimself and of his wife, was due much of the success that crowned hertoil. He made only one condition in granting the permission she asked, and that was, that she should also have in her house one of the mastersof the school, so that the boys should not suffer from the want of ahouse-tutor. This condition, of course, she readily accepted, and thearrangement lasted for ten years, until after her son had left schoolfor Cambridge. 

The house she took is now, I am sorry to say, pulled down, andreplaced by a hideous red-brick structure. It was very old andrambling, rose-covered in front, ivy-covered behind; it stood on thetop of Harrow Hill, between the church and the school, and had oncebeen the vicarage of the parish, but the vicar had left it because itwas so far removed from the part of the village where all his worklay. The drawing-room opened by an old-fashioned half-window, half-door--which proved a constant source of grief to me, for wheneverI had on a new frock I always tore it on the bolt as I flewthrough--into a large garden which sloped down one side of the hill, and was filled with the most delightful old trees, fir and laurel, may, mulberry, hazel, apple, pear, and damson, not to mention currantand gooseberry bushes innumerable, and large strawberry beds spreadingdown the sunny slopes. There was not a tree there that I did notclimb, and one, a widespreading Portugal laurel, was my privatecountry house. I had there my bedroom and my sitting-rooms, my study, and my larder. The larder was supplied by the fruit-trees, from whichI was free to pick as I would, and in the study I would sit for hourswith some favourite book--Milton's "Paradise Lost" the chief favouriteof all. The birds must often have felt startled, when from the smallswinging form perching on a branch, came out in childish tones the"Thrones, dominations, princedoms, virtues, powers, " of Milton'sstately and sonorous verse. I liked to personify Satan, and to declaimthe grand speeches of the hero-rebel, and many a happy hour did I passin Milton's heaven and hell, with for companions Satan and "the Son, "Gabriel and Abdiel. Then there was a terrace running by the side ofthe churchyard, always dry in the wettest weather, and bordered by anold wooden fence, over which clambered roses of every shade; never wassuch a garden for roses as that of the Old Vicarage. At the end of theterrace was a little summer-house, and in this a trap-door in thefence, which swung open and displayed one of the fairest views inEngland. Sheer from your feet downwards went the hill, and then farbelow stretched the wooded country till your eye reached the towers ofWindsor Castle, far away on the horizon. It was the view at whichByron was never tired of gazing, as he lay on the flat tombstone closeby--Byron's tomb, as it is still called--of which he wrote:--

 "Again I behold where for hours I have pondered, As reclining, at eve, on yon tombstone I lay, Or round the steep brow of the churchyard I wandered, To catch the last gleam of the sun's setting ray. "

Reader mine, if ever you go to Harrow, ask permission to enter the oldgarden, and try the effect of that sudden burst of beauty, as youswing back the small trap-door at the terrace end. 

Into this house we moved on my eighth birthday, and for eleven years itwas "home" to me, left always with regret, returned to always with joy. 

Almost immediately afterwards I left my mother for the first time; forone day, visiting a family who lived close by, I found a strangersitting in the drawing-room, a lame lady with a strong face, whichsoftened marvellously as she smiled at the child who came dancing in;she called me to her presently, and took me on her lap and talked tome, and on the following day our friend came to see my mother, to askif she would let me go away and be educated with this lady's niece, coming home for the holidays regularly, but leaving my education inher hands. At first my mother would not hear of it, for she and Iscarcely ever left each other; my love for her was an idolatry, hersfor me a devotion. (A foolish little story, about which I wasunmercifully teased for years, marked that absolute idolatry of her, which has not yet faded from my heart. In tenderest rallying one dayof the child who trotted after her everywhere, content to sit, orstand, or wait, if only she might touch hand or dress of "mamma, " shesaid: "Little one" (the name by which she always called me), "if youcling to mamma in this way, I must really get a string and tie you tomy apron, and how will you like that?" "O mamma, darling, " came thefervent answer, "do let it be in a knot. " And, indeed, the tie of lovebetween us was so tightly knotted that nothing ever loosened it tillthe sword of Death cut that which pain and trouble never availed toslacken in the slightest degree. ) But it was urged upon her that theadvantages of education offered were such as no money could purchasefor me; that it would be a disadvantage for me to grow up in ahouseful of boys--and, in truth, I was as good a cricketer and climberas the best of them--that my mother would soon be obliged to send meto school, unless she accepted an offer which gave me every advantageof school without its disadvantages. At last she yielded, and it wasdecided that Miss Marryat, on returning home, should take me with her. 

Miss Marryat--the favourite sister of Captain Marryat, the famousnovelist--was a maiden lady of large means. She had nursed her brotherthrough the illness that ended in his death, and had been living withher mother at Wimbledon Park. On her mother's death she looked roundfor work which would make her useful in the world, and finding that oneof her brothers had a large family of girls, she offered to take chargeof one of them, and to educate her thoroughly. Chancing to come toHarrow, my good fortune threw me in her way, and she took a fancy tome and thought she would like to teach two little girls rather thanone. Hence her offer to my mother. 

Miss Marryat had a perfect genius for teaching, and took in it thegreatest delight. From time to time she added another child to ourparty, sometimes a boy, sometimes a girl. At first, with Amy Marryatand myself, there was a little boy, Walter Powys, son of a clergymanwith a large family, and him she trained for some years, and then senthim on to school admirably prepared. She chose "her children"--as sheloved to call us--in very definite fashion. Each must be gently bornand gently trained, but in such position that the education freelygiven should be a relief and aid to a slender parental purse. It washer delight to seek out and aid those on whom poverty presses mostheavily, when the need for education for the children weighs on theproud and the poor. "Auntie" we all called her, for she thought "MissMarryat" seemed too cold and stiff. She taught us everything herselfexcept music, and for this she had a master, practising us incomposition, in recitation, in reading aloud English and French, andlater, German, devoting herself to training us in the soundest, mostthorough fashion. No words of mine can tell how much I owe her, notonly of knowledge, but of that love of knowledge which has remainedwith me ever since as a constant spur to study. 

Her method of teaching may be of interest to some, who desire to trainchildren with least pain, and the most enjoyment to the little onesthemselves. First, we never used a spelling-book--that torment of thesmall child--nor an English grammar. But we wrote letters, telling ofthe things we had seen in our walks, or told again some story we hadread; these childish compositions she would read over with us, correcting all faults of spelling, of grammar, of style, of cadence; aclumsy sentence would be read aloud, that we might hear how unmusicalit sounded, an error in observation or expression pointed out. Then, asthe letters recorded what we had seen the day before, the faculty ofobservation was drawn out and trained. "Oh, dear! I have nothing tosay!" would come from a small child, hanging over a slate. "Did you notgo out for a walk yesterday?" Auntie would question. "Yes, " would besighed out; "but there's nothing to say about it. " "Nothing to say! Andyou walked in the lanes for an hour and saw nothing, little No-eyes?You must use your eyes better to-day. " Then there was a very favourite"lesson, " which proved an excellent way of teaching spelling. We usedto write out lists of all the words we could think of which sounded thesame but were differently spelt. Thus: "key, quay, " "knight, night, "and so on, and great was the glory of the child who found the largestnumber. Our French lessons--as the German later--included reading fromthe very first. On the day on which we began German we began readingSchiller's "Wilhelm Tell, " and the verbs given to us to copy out werethose that had occurred in the reading. We learned much by heart, butalways things that in themselves were worthy to be learned. We werenever given the dry questions and answers which lazy teachers so muchaffect. We were taught history by one reading aloud while the othersworked--the boys as well as the girls learning the use of the needle. "It's like a girl to sew, " said a little fellow, indignantly, one day. "It is like a baby to have to run after a girl if you want a buttonsewn on, " quoth Auntie. Geography was learned by painting skeletonmaps--an exercise much delighted in by small fingers--and by puttingtogether puzzle maps, in which countries in the map of a continent, orcounties in the map of a country, were always cut out in their propershapes. I liked big empires in those days; there was a solidsatisfaction in putting down Russia, and seeing what a large part ofthe map was filled up thereby. 

The only grammar that we ever learned as grammar was the Latin, andthat not until composition had made us familiar with the use of therules therein given. Auntie had a great horror of children learning byrote things they did not understand, and then fancying they knew them. "What do you mean by that expression, Annie?" she would ask me. Afterfeeble attempts to explain, I would answer: "Indeed, Auntie, I know inmy own head, but I can't explain. " "Then, indeed, Annie, you do notknow in your own head, or you could explain, so that I might know in myown head. " And so a healthy habit was fostered of clearness of thoughtand of expression. The Latin grammar was used because it was moreperfect than the modern grammars, and served as a solid foundation formodern languages. 

Miss Marryat took a beautiful place, Fern Hill, near Charmouth, inDorsetshire, on the borders of Devon, and there she lived for some fiveyears, a centre of beneficence in the district. She started a SundaySchool, and a Bible Class after awhile for the lads too old for theschool, who clamoured for admission to her class in it. She visited thepoor, taking help wherever she went, and sending food from her owntable to the sick. It was characteristic of her that she would nevergive "scraps" to the poor, but would have a basin brought in at dinner, and would cut the best slice to tempt the invalid appetite. Money sherarely, if ever, gave, but she would find a day's work, or busy herselfto seek permanent employment for any one seeking aid. Stern inrectitude herself, and iron to the fawning or the dishonest, herinfluence, whether she was feared or loved, was always for good. Of thestrictest sect of the Evangelicals, she was an Evangelical. On theSunday no books were allowed save the Bible or the "Sunday at Home";but she would try to make the day bright by various little devices; bya walk with her in the garden; by the singing of hymns, alwaysattractive to children; by telling us wonderful missionary stories ofMoffat and Livingstone, whose adventures with savages and wild beastswere as exciting as any tale of Mayne Reid's. We used to learn passagesfrom the Bible and hymns for repetition; a favourite amusement was a"Bible puzzle, " such as a description of some Bible scene, which was tobe recognised by the description. Then we taught in the Sunday School, for Auntie would tell us that it was useless for us to learn if we didnot try to help those who had no one to teach them. The Sunday-schoollessons had to be carefully prepared on the Saturday, for we werealways taught that work given to the poor should be work that costsomething to the giver. This principle, regarded by her as anillustration of the text, "Shall I give unto the Lord my God that whichhas cost me nothing?" ran through all her precept and her practice. When in some public distress we children went to her crying, and askingwhether we could not help the little children who were starving, herprompt reply was, "What will you give up for them?" And then she saidthat if we liked to give up the use of sugar, we might thus each savesixpence a week to give away. I doubt if a healthier lesson can begiven to children than that of personal self-denial for the good ofothers. 

Daily, when our lessons were over, we had plenty of fun; long walks andrides, rides on a lovely pony, who found small children most amusing, and on which the coachman taught us to stick firmly, whatever hiseccentricities of the moment; delightful all-day picnics in the lovelycountry round Charmouth, Auntie our merriest playfellow. Never was ahealthier home, physically and mentally, made for young things than inthat quiet village. And then the delight of the holidays! The pride ofmy mother at the good report of her darling's progress, and the renewalof acquaintance with every nook and corner in the dear old house andgarden. 

The dreamy tendency in the child, that on its worldly side is fancy, imagination, on its religious side is the germ of mysticism, and Ibelieve it to be far more common than many people think. But theremorseless materialism of the day--not the philosophic materialism ofthe few, but the religious materialism of the many--crushes out all thedelicate buddings forth of the childish thought, and bandages the eyesthat might otherwise see. At first the child does not distinguishbetween what it "sees" and what it "fancies"; the one is as real, asobjective, to it as the other, and it will talk to and play with itsdream-comrades as merrily as with children like itself. As a child, Imyself very much preferred the former, and never knew what it was to belonely. But clumsy grown-ups come along and tramp right through thedream-garden, and crush the dream-flowers, and push the dream-childrenaside, and then say, in their loud, harsh voices--not soft and singablelike the dream-voices--"You must not tell such naughty stories, MissAnnie; you give me the shivers, and your mamma will be very vexed withyou. " But this tendency in me was too strong to be stifled, and itfound its food in the fairy tales I loved, and in the religiousallegories that I found yet more entrancing. How or when I learned toread, I do not know, for I cannot remember the time when a book was nota delight. At five years of age I must have read easily, for I rememberbeing often unswathed from a delightful curtain, in which I used toroll myself with a book, and told to "go and play, " while I was still afive-years'-old dot. And I had a habit of losing myself so completelyin the book that my name might be called in the room where I was, and Inever hear it, so that I used to be blamed for wilfully hiding myself, when I had simply been away in fairyland, or lying trembling beneathsome friendly cabbage-leaf as a giant went by. 

I was between seven and eight years of age when I first came acrosssome children's allegories of a religious kind, and a very littlelater came "Pilgrim's Progress, " and Milton's "Paradise Lost. "Thenceforth my busy fancies carried me ever into the fascinating worldwhere boy-soldiers kept some outpost for their absent Prince, bearinga shield with his sign of a red cross on it; where devils shaped asdragons came swooping down on the pilgrim, but were driven awaydefeated after hard struggle; where angels came and talked with littlechildren, and gave them some talisman which warned them of comingdanger, and lost its light if they were leaving the right path. What adull, tire-some world it was that I had to live in, I used to think tomyself, when I was told to be a good child, and not to lose my temper, and to be tidy, and not mess my pinafore at dinner. How much easier tobe a Christian if one could have a red-cross shield and a whitebanner, and have a real devil to fight with, and a beautiful DivinePrince to smile at you when the battle was over. How much moreexciting to struggle with a winged and clawed dragon, that you knewmeant mischief, than to look after your temper, that you neverremembered you ought to keep until you had lost it. If I had been Evein the garden, that old serpent would never have got the better of me;but how was a little girl to know that she might not pick out therosiest, prettiest apple from a tree that had no serpent to show itwas a forbidden one? And as I grew older the dreams and fancies grewless fantastic, but more tinged with real enthusiasm. I read tales ofthe early Christian martyrs, and passionately regretted I was born solate when no suffering for religion was practicable; I would spendmany an hour in daydreams, in which I stood before Roman judges, before Dominican Inquisitors, was flung to lions, tortured on therack, burned at the stake; one day I saw myself preaching some greatnew faith to a vast crowd of people, and they listened and wereconverted, and I became a great religious leader. But always, with ashock, I was brought back to earth, where there were no heroic deedsto do, no lions to face, no judges to defy, but only some dull duty tobe performed. And I used to fret that I was born so late, when all thegrand things had been done, and when there was no chance of preachingand suffering for a new religion. 

From the age of eight my education accented the religious side of mycharacter. Under Miss Marryat's training my religious feeling receiveda strongly Evangelical bent, but it was a subject of some distress tome that I could never look back to an hour of "conversion"; whenothers gave their experiences, and spoke of the sudden change they hadfelt, I used to be sadly conscious that no such change had occurred inme, and I felt that my dreamy longings were very poor things comparedwith the vigorous "sense of sin" spoken of by the preachers, and useddolefully to wonder if I were "saved. " Then I had an uneasy sense thatI was often praised for my piety when emulation and vanity were moreto the front than religion; as when I learned by heart the Epistle ofJames, far more to distinguish myself for my good memory than from anylove of the text itself; the sonorous cadences of many parts of theOld and New Testaments pleased my ear, and I took a dreamy pleasure inrepeating them aloud, just as I would recite for my own amusementhundreds of lines of Milton's "Paradise Lost, " as I sat swinging onsome branch of a tree, lying back often on some swaying bough andgazing into the unfathomable blue of the sky, till I lost myself in anecstasy of sound and colour, half chanting the melodious sentences andpeopling all the blue with misty forms. This facility of learning byheart, and the habit of dreamy recitation, made me very familiar withthe Bible and very apt with its phrases. This stood me in good steadat the prayer-meetings dear to the Evangelical, in which we all tookpart; in turn we were called on to pray aloud--a terrible ordeal tome, for I was painfully shy when attention was called to me; I used tosuffer agonies while I waited for the dreaded words, "Now, Annie dear, will you speak to our Lord. " But when my trembling lips had forcedthemselves into speech, all the nervousness used to vanish and I wasswept away by an enthusiasm that readily clothed itself in balancedsentences, and alack! at the end, I too often hoped that God andAuntie had noticed that I prayed very nicely--a vanity certainly notintended to be fostered by the pious exercise. On the whole, thesomewhat Calvinistic teaching tended, I think, to make me a littlemorbid, especially as I always fretted silently after my mother. Iremember she was surprised on one of my home-comings, when MissMarryat noted "cheerfulness" as a want in my character, for at home Iwas ever the blithest of children, despite my love of solitude; butaway, there was always an aching for home, and the stern religion castsomewhat of a shadow over me, though, strangely enough, hell nevercame into my dreamings except in the interesting shape it took in"Paradise Lost. " After reading that, the devil was to me no horned andhoofed horror, but the beautiful shadowed archangel, and I alwayshoped that Jesus, my ideal Prince, would save him in the end. Thethings that really frightened me were vague, misty presences that Ifelt were near, but could not see; they were so real that I knew justwhere they were in the room, and the peculiar terror they excited laylargely in the feeling that I was just going to see them. If by chanceI came across a ghost story it haunted me for months, for I sawwhatever unpleasant spectre was described; and there was one horridold woman in a tale by Sir Walter Scott, who glided up to the foot ofyour bed and sprang on it in some eerie fashion and glared at you, andwho made my going to bed a terror to me for many weeks. I can stillrecall the feeling so vividly that it almost frightens me now!

CHAPTER III. 

GIRLHOOD. 

In the spring of 1861 Miss Marryat announced her intention of goingabroad, and asked my dear mother to let me accompany her. A littlenephew whom she had adopted was suffering from cataract, and shedesired to place him under the care of the famous Düsseldorf oculist. Amy Marryat had been recalled home soon after the death of her mother, who had died in giving birth to the child adopted by Miss Marryat, andnamed at her desire after her favourite brother Frederick (CaptainMarryat). Her place had been taken by a girl a few months older thanmyself, Emma Mann, one of the daughters of a clergyman, who hadmarried Miss Stanley, closely related, indeed, if I remember rightly, a sister of the Miss Mary Stanley who did such noble work in nursingin the Crimea. 

For some months we had been diligently studying German, for MissMarryat thought it wise that we should know a language fairly wellbefore we visited the country of which it was the native tongue. Wehad been trained also to talk French daily during dinner, so we werenot quite "helpless foreigners" when we steamed away from St. Catherine's Docks, and found ourselves on the following day inAntwerp, amid what seemed to us a very Babel of conflicting tongues. Alas for our carefully spoken French, articulated laboriously! We werelost in that swirl of disputing luggage-porters, and could notunderstand a word! But Miss Marryat was quite equal to the occasion, being by no means new to travelling, and her French stood the testtriumphantly, and steered us safely to a hotel. On the morrow westarted again through Aix-la-Chapelle to Bonn, the town which lies onthe borders of the exquisite scenery of which the Siebengebirge andRolandseck serve as the magic portal. Our experiences in Bonn were notwholly satisfactory. Dear Auntie was a maiden lady, looking on allyoung men as wolves to be kept far from her growing lambs. Bonn was auniversity town, and there was a mania just then prevailing there forall things English. Emma was a plump, rosy, fair-haired typicalEnglish maiden, full of frolic and harmless fun; I a very slight, pale, black-haired girl, alternating between wild fun and extremepensiveness. In the boarding-house to which we went at first--the"Château du Rhin, " a beautiful place overhanging the broad, blueRhine--there chanced to be staying the two sons of the late Duke ofHamilton, the Marquis of Douglas and Lord Charles, with their tutor. They had the whole drawing-room floor: we a sitting-room on the groundfloor and bedrooms above. The lads discovered that Miss Marryat didnot like her "children" to be on speaking terms with any of the "malesect. "

Here was a fine source of amusement. They would make their horsescaracole on the gravel in front of our window; they would be juststarting for their ride as we went for walk or drive, and would saluteus with doffed hat and low bow; they would waylay us on our waydownstairs with demure "Good morning"; they would go to church andpost themselves so that they could survey our pew, and LordCharles--who possessed the power of moving at will the whole skin ofthe scalp--would wriggle his hair up and down till we were chokingwith laughter, to our own imminent risk. After a month of this Auntiewas literally driven out of the pretty château, and took refuge in agirls' school, much to our disgust; but still she was not allowed tobe at rest. Mischievous students would pursue us wherever we went;sentimental Germans, with gashed cheeks, would whisper complimentaryphrases as we passed; mere boyish nonsense of most harmless kind, butthe rather stern English lady thought it "not proper, " and after threemonths of Bonn we were sent home for the holidays, somewhat indisgrace. But we had some lovely excursions during those months; suchclambering up mountains, such rows on the swift-flowing Rhine, suchwanderings in exquisite valleys. I have a long picture-gallery toretire into when I want to think of something fair, in recalling themoon as it silvered the Rhine at the foot of Drachenfels, or the soft, mist-veiled island where dwelt the lady who is consecrated for ever byRoland's love. 

A couple of months later we rejoined Miss Marryat in Paris, where wespent seven happy, workful months. On Wednesdays and Saturdays we werefree from lessons, and many a long afternoon was passed in thegalleries of the Louvre, till we became familiar with the masterpiecesof art gathered there from all lands. I doubt if there was a beautifulchurch in Paris that we did not visit during those weekly wanderings;that of St. Germain de l'Auxerrois was my favourite--the church whosebell gave the signal for the massacre of St. Bartholomew--for itcontained such marvellous stained glass, deepest, purest glory ofcolour that I had ever seen. The solemn beauty of Notre Dame, thesomewhat gaudy magnificence of La Sainte Chapelle, the stateliness ofLa Madeleine, the impressive gloom of St. Roch, were all familiar tous. Other delights were found in mingling with the bright crowds whichpassed along the Champs Elysees and sauntered in the Bois de Boulogne, in strolling in the garden of the Tuileries, in climbing to the top ofevery monument whence view of Paris could be gained. The Empire wasthen in its heyday of glitter, and we much enjoyed seeing thebrilliant escort of the imperial carriage, with plumes and gold andsilver dancing and glistening in the sunlight, while in the carriagesat the exquisitely lovely empress, with the little boy beside her, touching his cap shyly, but with something of her own grace, in answerto a greeting--the boy who was thought to be born to an imperialcrown, but whose brief career was to find an ending from the spears ofsavages in a quarrel in which he had no concern. 

In the spring of 1862 it chanced that the Bishop of Ohio visitedParis, and Mr. Forbes, then English chaplain at the Church of the Rued'Aguesseau, arranged to have a confirmation. As said above, I wasunder deep "religious impressions, " and, in fact, with the exceptionof that little aberration in Germany, I was decidedly a pious girl. Ilooked on theatres (never having been to one) as traps set by Satanfor the destruction of foolish souls; I was quite determined never togo to a ball, and was prepared to "suffer for conscience' sake"--little prig that I was--if I was desired to go to one. I wasconsequently quite prepared to take upon myself the vows made in myname at my baptism, and to renounce the world, the flesh, and thedevil, with a heartiness and sincerity only equalled by my profoundignorance of the things I so readily resigned. That confirmation wasto me a very solemn matter; the careful preparation, the prolongedprayers, the wondering awe as to the "seven-fold gifts of the Spirit, "which were to be given by "the laying on of hands, " all tended toexcitement. I could scarcely control myself as I knelt at the altarrails, and felt as though the gentle touch of the aged bishop, whichfluttered for an instant on my bowed head, were the very touch of thewing of that "Holy Spirit, heavenly Dove, " whose presence had been soearnestly invoked. Is there anything easier, I wonder, than to make ayoung and sensitive girl "intensely religious"? This stay in Parisroused into activity an aspect of my religious nature that hadhitherto been latent. I discovered the sensuous enjoyment that lay inintroducing colour and fragrance and pomp into religious services, sothat the gratification of the aesthetic emotions became dignified withthe garb of piety. The picture-galleries of the Louvre, crowded withMadonnas and saints, the Roman Catholic churches with theirincense-laden air and exquisite music, brought a new joy into my life, a more vivid colour to my dreams. Insensibly, the colder, cruderEvangelicalism that I had never thoroughly assimilated, grew warmerand more brilliant, and the ideal Divine Prince of my childhood tookon the more pathetic lineaments of the Man of Sorrows, the deeperattractiveness of the suffering Saviour of Men. Keble's "ChristianYear" took the place of "Paradise Lost, " and as my girlhood began tobud towards womanhood, all its deeper currents set in the direction ofreligious devotion. My mother did not allow me to read love stories, and my daydreams of the future were scarcely touched by any of theordinary hopes and fears of a girl lifting her eyes towards the worldshe is shortly to enter. They were filled with broodings over the dayswhen girl-martyrs were blessed with visions of the King of Martyrs, when sweet St. Agnes saw her celestial Bridegroom, and angels stoopedto whisper melodies in St. Cecilia's raptured ear. "Why then and notnow?" my heart would question, and I would lose myself in thesefancies, never happier than when alone. 

The summer of 1862 was spent with Miss Marryat at Sidmouth, and, wisewoman that she was, she now carefully directed our studies with a viewto our coming enfranchisement from the "schoolroom. " More and morewere we trained to work alone; our leading-strings were slackened, sothat we never felt them save when we blundered; and I remember thatwhen I once complained, in loving fashion, that she was "teaching meso little, " she told me that I was getting old enough to be trusted towork by myself, and that I must not expect to "have Auntie for acrutch all through life. " And I venture to say that this gentlewithdrawal of constant supervision and teaching was one of the wisestand kindest things that this noble-hearted woman ever did for us. Itis the usual custom to keep girls in the schoolroom until they "comeout"; then, suddenly, they are left to their own devices, and, bewildered by their unaccustomed freedom, they waste time that mightbe priceless for their intellectual growth. Lately, the opening ofuniversities to women has removed this danger for the more ambitious;but at the time of which I am writing no one dreamed of the changessoon to be made in the direction of the "higher education of women. "

During the winter of 1862-63 Miss Marryat was in London, and for a fewmonths I remained there with her, attending the admirable Frenchclasses of M. Roche. In the spring I returned home to Harrow, going upeach week to the classes; and when these were over, Auntie told methat she thought all she could usefully do was done, and that it wastime that I should try my wings alone. So well, however, had shesucceeded in her aims, that my emancipation from the schoolroom wasbut the starting-point of more eager study, though now the studyturned into the lines of thought towards which my personal tendenciesmost attracted me. German I continued to read with a master, andmusic, under the marvellously able teaching of Mr. John Farmer, musical director of Harrow School, took up much of my time. My dearmother had a passion for music, and Beethoven and Bach were herfavourite composers. There was scarcely a sonata of Beethoven's that Idid not learn, scarcely a fugue of Bach's that I did not master. Mendelssohn's "Lieder" gave a lighter recreation, and many a happyevening did we spend, my mother and I, over the stately strains of theblind Titan, and the sweet melodies of the German wordless orator. Musical "At Homes, " too, were favourite amusements at Harrow, and atthese my facile fingers made me a welcome guest. 

Thus set free from the schoolroom at 16½, an only daughter, I could dowith my time as I would, save for the couple of hours a day given tomusic, for the satisfaction of my mother. From then till I becameengaged, just before I was 19, my life flowed on smoothly, one currentvisible to all and dancing in the sunlight, the other runningunderground, but full and deep and strong. As regards my outer life, no girl had a brighter, happier life than mine; studying all themornings and most of the afternoons in my own way, and spending thelatter part of the day in games and walks and rides--varied withparties at which I was one of the merriest of guests. I practisedarchery so zealously that I carried up triumphantly as prize for thebest score the first ring I ever possessed, while croquet found me amost eager devotee. My darling mother certainly "spoiled" me, so faras were concerned all the small roughnesses of life. She never alloweda trouble of any kind to touch me, and cared only that all worriesshould fall on her, all joys on me. I know now what I never dreamedthen, that her life was one of serious anxiety. The heavy burden of mybrother's school and college life pressed on her constantly, and herneed of money was often serious. A lawyer whom she trusted absolutelycheated her systematically, using for his own purposes the remittancesshe made for payment of liabilities, thus keeping upon her a constantdrain. Yet for me all that was wanted was ever there. Was it a ball towhich we were going? I need never think of what I would wear till thetime for dressing arrived, and there laid out ready for me was all Iwanted, every detail complete from top to toe. No hand but hers mustdress my hair, which, loosed, fell in dense curly masses nearly to myknees; no hand but hers must fasten dress and deck with flowers, andif I sometimes would coaxingly ask if I might not help by sewing inlaces, or by doing some trifle in aid, she would kiss me and bid merun to my books or my play, telling me that her only pleasure in lifewas caring for her "treasure. " Alas! how lightly we take theself-denying labour that makes life so easy, ere yet we have knownwhat life means when the protecting motherwing is withdrawn. Soguarded and shielded had been my childhood and youth from every touchof pain and anxiety that love could bear for me, that I never dreamedthat life might be a heavy burden, save as I saw it in the poor I wassent to help; all the joy of those happy years I took, notungratefully I hope, but certainly with as glad unconsciousness ofanything rare in it as I took the sunlight. Passionate love, indeed, Igave to my darling, but I never knew all I owed her till I passed outof her tender guardianship, till I left my mother's home. Is suchtraining wise? I am not sure. It makes the ordinary roughnesses oflife come with so stunning a shock, when one goes out into the world, that one is apt to question whether some earlier initiation intolife's sterner mysteries would not be wiser for the young. Yet it is afair thing to have that joyous youth to look back upon, and at leastit is a treasury of memory that no thief can steal in the struggles oflater life. "Sunshine" they called me in those bright days of merryplay and earnest study. But that study showed the bent of my thoughtand linked itself to the hidden life; for the Fathers of the earlyChristian Church now became my chief companions, and I pored over theShepherd of Hernias, the Epistles of Polycarp, Barnabas, Ignatius, andClement, the commentaries of Chrysostom, the confessions of Augustine. With these I studied the writings of Pusey, Liddon, and Keble, withmany another smaller light, joying in the great conception of aCatholic Church, lasting through the centuries, built on thefoundations of apostles and of martyrs, stretching from the days ofChrist Himself down to our own--"One Lord, one Faith one Baptism, " andI myself a child of that Holy Church. The hidden life grew stronger, constantly fed by these streams of study; weekly communion became thecentre round which my devotional life revolved, with its ecstaticmeditation, its growing intensity of conscious contact with theDivine; I fasted, according to the ordinances of the Church;occasionally flagellated myself to see if I could bear physical pain, should I be fortunate enough ever to tread the pathway trodden by thesaints; and ever the Christ was the figure round which clustered allmy hopes and longings, till I often felt that the very passion of, mydevotion would draw Him down from His throne in heaven, presentvisibly in form as I felt Him invisibly in spirit. To serve Himthrough His Church became more and more a definite ideal in my life, and my thoughts began to turn towards some kind of "religious life, "in which I might prove my love by sacrifice and turn my passionategratitude into active service. 

Looking back to-day over my life, I see that its keynote--through allthe blunders, and the blind mistakes, and clumsy follies--has beenthis longing for sacrifice to something felt as greater than the self. It has been so strong and so persistent that I recognise it now as atendency brought over from a previous life and dominating the presentone; and this is shown by the fact that to follow it is not the act ofa deliberate and conscious will, forcing self into submission andgiving up with pain something the heart desires, but the following itis a joyous springing forward along the easiest path, the "sacrifice"being the supremely attractive thing, not to make which would be todeny the deepest longings of the soul, and to feel oneself pollutedand dishonoured. And it is here that the misjudgment comes in of manygenerous hearts who have spoken sometimes lately so strongly in mypraise. For the efforts to serve have not been painful acts ofself-denial, but the yielding to an overmastering desire. We do notpraise the mother who, impelled by her protecting love, feeds hercrying infant and stills its wailings at her breast; rather should weblame her if she turned aside from its weeping to play with some toy. And so with all those whose ears are opened to the wailings of thegreat orphan Humanity; they are less to be praised for helping thanthey would be to be blamed if they stood aside. I now know that it isthose wailings that have stirred my heart through life, and that Ibrought with me the ears open to hear them from previous lives ofservice paid to men. It was those lives that drew for the child thealluring pictures of martyrdom, breathed into the girl the passion ofdevotion, sent the woman out to face scoff and odium, and drove herfinally into the Theosophy that rationalises sacrifice, while openingup possibilities of service beside which all other hopes grow pale. 

The Easter of 1866 was a memorable date in my life. I was introducedto the clergyman I married, and I met and conquered my first religiousdoubt. A little mission church had been opened the preceding Christmasin a very poor district of Clapham. My grandfather's house was near athand, in Albert Square, and a favourite aunt and myself devotedourselves a good deal to this little church, as enthusiastic girls andwomen will. At Easter we decorated it with spring flowers, with dewyprimroses and fragrant violets, and with the yellow bells of the wilddaffodil, to the huge delight of the poor who crowded in, and of thelittle London children who had, many of them, never seen a flower. Here I met the Rev. Frank Besant, a young Cambridge man, who had justtaken orders, and was serving the little mission church as deacon;strange that at the same time I should meet the man I was to marry, and the doubts which were to break the marriage tie. For in the HolyWeek preceding that Easter Eve, I had been--as English and RomanCatholics are wont to do--trying to throw the mind back to the timewhen the commemorated events occurred, and to follow, step by step, the last days of the Son of Man, living, as it were, through thoselast hours, so that I might be ready to kneel before the cross on GoodFriday, to stand beside the sepulchre on Easter Day. In order tofacilitate the realisation of those last sacred days of God incarnateon earth, working out man's salvation, I resolved to write a briefhistory of that week, compiled from the Four Gospels, meaning them totry and realise each day the occurrences that had happened on thecorresponding date in A. D. 33, and so to follow those "blessed feet"step by step, till they were

". .. Nailed for our advantage to the bitter cross. "

With the fearlessness which springs from ignorance I sat down to mytask. My method was as follows:--

 MATTHEW. | MARK. | LUKE. | JOHN. | | | PALM SUNDAY. | PALM SUNDAY. | PALM SUNDAY. | PALM SUNDAY. | | | Rode into | Rode into | Rode into | Rode into Jerusalem. | Jerusalem. | Jerusalem. | Jerusalem. Purified the | Returned to | Purified the | Spoke in Temple. Returned | Bethany. | Temple. | the Temple. To Bethany. | | Note: "Taught | | | daily in the | | | temple. " | | | | MONDAY. | MONDAY. | MONDAY. | MONDAY. | | | Cursed the | Cursed the | Like Matthew. | ---- fig-tree. | fig-tree. | | Taught in the | Purified the | | Temple, and spake | Temple. Went | | many parables. | out of city. | | No breaks shown, | | | but the fig-tree | | | (xxi. 19) did not | | | wither till | | | Tuesday (see | | | Mark). | | | | | | TUESDAY. | TUESDAY. | TUESDAY. | TUESDAY. | | | All chaps. Xxi. | Saw fig-tree | Discourses | ---- 20, xxii. -xxv. , | withered up. | No date | spoken on | Then . | shown. | Tuesday, for xxvi. | discourses | | 2 gives Passover | | | as "after two | | | days. " | | | | | | WEDNESDAY. | WEDNESDAY. | WEDNESDAY. | WEDNESDAY. | | | Blank. | ---- | ---- | ---- (Possibly remained in Bethany; the alabaster box of oinment. ) | | | THURSDAY. | THURSDAY. | THURSDAY. | THURSDAY. | | | Preparation of | Same as Matt. | Same as Matt. | Discourses Passover. Eating | | | with disciples, of Passover, and | | | but _before_ the institution of the | | | Passover. Washes Holy Eucharist. | | | the disciples' Gethsemane. | | | feet. Nothing Betrayal by Judas. | | | said of Holy Led captive to | | | Eucharist, nor Caiaphas. Denied | | | of agony in by St. Peter. | | | Gethsemane. | | | Malchus' ear. | | | Led captive to | | | Annas first. | | | Then to Caiaphas. | | | Denied | | | by St. Peter. | | | FRIDAY. | FRIDAY. | FRIDAY. | FRIDAY | | | Led to Pilate. | As Matthew, | Led to | Taken to Judas hangs | but hour of | Pilate. Sent | Pilate. Jews himself. Tried. | crucifixion | to Herod. | would not enter, Condemned to | given, | Sent back to | that they death. Scourged | 9 a. M. | Pilate. Rest | might eat and mocked. Led | | as in | the Passover. To crucifixion. | | Matthew; but | Scourged by Darkness from 12 | | _one_ | Pilate before to 3. Died at 3. | | malefactor | condemnation, | | repents. | and mocked. Shown | | | by Pilate to | | | Jews at 12. 

I became uneasy as I proceeded with my task, for discrepancies leapedat me from my four columns; the uneasiness grew as the contradictionsincreased, until I saw with a shock of horror that my "harmony" was adiscord, and a doubt of the veracity of the story sprang up like aserpent hissing in my face. It was struck down in a moment, for to meto doubt was sin, and to have doubted on the very eve of the Passionwas an added crime. Quickly I assured myself that these apparentcontradictions were necessary as tests of faith, and I forced myselfto repeat Tertullian's famous "Credo quia impossible, " till, from awooden recital, it became a triumphant affirmation. I reminded myselfthat St. Peter had said of the Pauline Epistles that in them were"some things hard to be understood, which they that are unlearned andunstable wrest . .. Unto their own destruction. " I shudderinglyrecognised that I must be very unlearned and unstable to find discordamong the Holy Evangelists, and imposed on myself an extra fast aspenance for my ignorance and lack of firmness in the faith. For mymental position was one to which doubt was one of the worst of sins. Iknew that there were people like Colenso, who questioned theinfallibility of the Bible, but I remembered how the Apostle John hadfled from the Baths when Cerinthus entered them, lest the roof shouldfall on the heretic, and crush any one in his neighbourhood, and Ilooked on all heretics with holy horror. Pusey had indoctrinated mewith his stern hatred of all heresy, and I was content to rest withhim on that faith, "which must be old because it is eternal, and mustbe unchangeable because it is true. " I would not even read the worksof my mothers favourite Stanley, because he was "unsound, " and becausePusey had condemned his "variegated use of words which destroys alldefiniteness of meaning"--a clever and pointed description, be it saidin passing, of the Dean's exquisite phrases, capable of so manyreadings. It can then be imagined with what a stab of pain this firstdoubt struck me, and with what haste I smothered it up, buried it, andsmoothed the turf over its grave. _But it had been there_, and it leftits mark. 

CHAPTER IV. 

MARRIAGE. 

The last year of my girlish freedom was drawing to its close; how shallI hope to make commonsense readers understand how I became betrothedmaiden ere yet nineteen, girl-wife when twenty years had struck?Looking back over twenty-five years, I feel a profound pity for thegirl standing at that critical point of life, so utterly, hopelesslyignorant of all that marriage meant, so filled with impossible dreams, so unfitted for the _rôle_ of wife. As I have said, my day-dreams heldlittle place for love, partly from the absence of love novels from myreading, partly from the mystic fancies that twined themselves roundthe figure of the Christ. Catholic books of devotion--English or Roman, it matters not, for to a large extent they are translations of the samehymns and prayers--are exceedingly glowing in their language, and thedawning feelings of womanhood unconsciously lend to them a passionatefervour. I longed to spend my time in worshipping Jesus, and was, asfar as my inner life was concerned, absorbed in that passionate love of"the Saviour" which, among emotional Catholics, really is the humanpassion of love transferred to an ideal--for women to Jesus, for men tothe Virgin Mary. In order to show that I am not here exaggerating, Isubjoin a few of the prayers in which I found daily delight, and I dothis in order to show how an emotional girl may be attracted by theseso-called devotional exercises:--

"O crucified Love, raise in me fresh ardours of love and consolation, that it may henceforth be the greatest torment I can endure ever tooffend Thee; that it may be my greatest delight to please Thee. "

"Let the remembrance of Thy death, O Lord Jesu, make me to desire andpant after Thee, that I may delight in Thy gracious presence. "

"O most sweet Jesu Christ, I, unworthy sinner, yet redeemed by Thyprecious blood. .. . Thine I am and will be, in life and in death. "

"O Jesu, beloved, fairer than the sons of men, draw me after Thee withthe cords of Thy love. "

"Blessed are Thou, O most merciful God, who didst vouchsafe to espouseme to the heavenly Bridegroom in the waters of baptism, and hastimparted Thy body and blood as a new gift of espousal and the meetconsummation of Thy love. "

"O most sweet Lord Jesu, transfix the affections of my inmost soul withthat most joyous and most healthful wound of Thy love, with true, serene, most holy, apostolical charity; that my soul may ever languishand melt with entire love and longing for Thee. Let it desire Thee andfaint for Thy courts; long to be dissolved and be with Thee. "

"Oh, that I could embrace Thee with that most burning love of angels. "

"Let Him kiss me with the kisses of His mouth; for Thy love is betterthan wine. Draw me, we will run after Thee. The king hath brought meinto his chambers. .. . Let my soul, O Lord, feel the sweetness of Thypresence. May it taste how sweet Thou art. .. . May the sweet and burningpower of Thy love, I beseech Thee, absorb my soul. "

All girls have in them the germ of passion, and the line of itsdevelopment depends on the character brought into the world, and thesurrounding influences of education. I had but two ideals in mychildhood and youth, round whom twined these budding tendrils ofpassion; they were my mother and the Christ. I know this may seemstrange, but I am trying to state things as they were in thislife-story, and not give mere conventionalisms, and so it was. I hadmen friends, but no lovers--at least, to my knowledge, for I have sinceheard that my mother received two or three offers of marriage for me, but declined them on account of my youth and my childishness--friendswith whom I liked to talk, because they knew more than I did; but theyhad no place in my day-dreams. These were more and more filled with theone Ideal Man, and my hopes turned towards the life of the Sister ofMercy, who ever worships the Christ, and devotes her life to theservice of His poor. I knew my dear mother would set herself againstthis idea, but it nestled warm at my heart, for ever that idea ofescaping from the humdrum of ordinary life by some complete sacrificelured me onwards with its overmastering fascination. 

Now one unlucky result of this view of religion is the idealisation ofthe clergyman, the special messenger and chosen servant of the Lord. Far more lofty than any title bestowed by earthly monarch is thatpatent of nobility straight from the hand of the "King of kings, " thatseems to give to the mortal something of the authority of the immortal, and to crown the head of the priest with the diadem that belongs tothose who are "kings and priests unto God. " Viewed in this way, theposition of the priest's wife seems second only to that of the nun, andhas, therefore, a wonderful attractiveness, an attractiveness in whichthe particular clergyman affected plays a very subordinate part; it isthe "sacred office, " the nearness to "holy things, " the consecrationwhich seems to include the wife--it is these things that shed a glamourover the clerical life which attracts most those who are most apt toself-devotion, most swayed by imagination. And the saddest pity of allthis is that the glamour is most over those whose brains are quick, whose hearts are pure, who are responsive to all forms of nobleemotions, all suggestions of personal self-sacrifice; if such in laterlife rise to the higher emotions whose shadows have attracted them, andto that higher self-sacrifice whose whispers reached them in theirearly youth, then the false prophet's veil is raised, the poverty ofthe conception seen, and the life is either wrecked, or throughstorm-wind and surge of battling billows, with loss of mast and sail, is steered by firm hand into the port of a nobler faith. 

That summer of 1866 saw me engaged to the young clergyman I had met atthe mission church in the spring, our knowledge of each other being analmost negligeable quantity. We were thrown together for a week, theonly two young ones in a small party of holiday-makers, and in ourwalks, rides, and drives we were naturally companions; an hour or twobefore he left he asked me to marry him, taking my consent for grantedas I had allowed him such full companionship--a perfectly fairassumption with girls accustomed to look on all men as possiblehusbands, but wholly mistaken as regarded myself, whose thoughts werein quite other directions. Startled, and my sensitive pride touched bywhat seemed to my strict views an assumption that I had been flirting, I hesitated, did not follow my first impulse of refusal, but tookrefuge in silence; my suitor had to catch his train, and bound meover to silence till he could himself speak to my mother, urgingauthoritatively that it would be dishonourable of me to break hisconfidence, and left me--the most upset and distressed little personon the Sussex coast. The fortnight that followed was the first unhappyone of my life, for I had a secret from my mother, a secret which Ipassionately longed to tell her, but dared not speak at the risk ofdoing a dishonourable thing. On meeting my suitor on our return totown I positively refused to keep silence any longer, and then outof sheer weakness and fear of inflicting pain I drifted into anengagement with a man I did not pretend to love. "Drifted" is theright word, for two or three months passed, on the ground that I wasso much of a child, before my mother would consent to a definiteengagement; my dislike of the thought of marriage faded before theidea of becoming the wife of a priest, working ever in the Church andamong the poor. I had no outlet for my growing desire for usefulnessin my happy and peaceful home-life, where all religious enthusiasm wasregarded as unbalanced and unbecoming; all that was deepest and truestin my nature chafed against my easy, useless days, longed for work, yearned to devote itself, as I had read women saints had done, to theservice of the Church and of the poor, to the battling against sin andmisery--what empty names sin and misery then were to me! "You willhave more opportunities for doing good as a clergyman's wife than asanything else, " was one of the pleas urged on my reluctance. 

In the autumn I was definitely betrothed, and I married fourteen monthslater. Once, in the interval, I tried to break the engagement, but, onmy broaching the subject to my mother, all her pride rose up in revolt. Would I, her daughter, break my word, would I dishonour myself byjilting a man I had pledged myself to marry? She could be stern wherehonour was involved, that sweet mother of mine, and I yielded to herwish as I had been ever wont to do, for a look or a word from her hadever been my law, save where religion was concerned. So I married inthe winter of 1867 with no more idea of the marriage relation than if Ihad been four years old instead of twenty. My dreamy life, into whichno knowledge of evil had been allowed to penetrate, in which I had beenguarded from all pain, shielded from all anxiety, kept, innocent on allquestions of sex, was no preparation for married existence, and left medefenceless to face a rude awakening. Looking back on it all, Ideliberately say that no more fatal blunder can be made than to train agirl to womanhood in ignorance of all life's duties and burdens, andthen to let her face them for the first time away from all the oldassociations, the old helps, the old refuge on the mother's breast. That "perfect innocence" may be very beautiful, but it is a perilouspossession, and Eve should have the knowledge of good and evil ere shewanders forth from the paradise of a mother's love. Many an unhappymarriage dates from its very beginning, from the terrible shock to ayoung girl's sensitive modesty and pride, her helpless bewilderment andfear. Men, with their public school and college education, or theknowledge that comes by living in the outside world, may find it hardto realise the possibility of such infantile ignorance in many girls. None the less, such ignorance is a fact in the case of some girls atleast, and no mother should let her daughter, blindfold, slip her neckunder the marriage yoke. 

Before leaving the harbourage of girlhood to set sail on the troubloussea of life, there is an occurrence of which I must make mention, asit marks my first awakening of interest in the outer world ofpolitical struggle. In the autumn of 1867 my mother and I were stayingwith some dear friends of ours, the Robertses, at Pendleton, nearManchester. Mr. Roberts was "the poor man's lawyer, " in theaffectionate phrase used of him by many a hundred men. He was a closefriend of Ernest Jones, and was always ready to fight a poor man'sbattle without fee. He worked hard in the agitation which saved womenfrom working in the mines, and I have heard him tell how he had seenthem toiling, naked to the waist, with short petticoats barelyreaching to their knees, rough, foul-tongued, brutalised out of allwomanly decency and grace; and how he had seen little children workingthere too, babies of three and four set to watch a door, and fallingasleep at their work to be roused by curse and kick to the unfairtoil. The old man's eye would begin to flash and his voice to rise ashe told of these horrors, and then his face would soften as he addedthat, after it was all over and the slavery was put an end to, as hewent through a coal district the women standing at their doors wouldlift up their children to see "Lawyer Roberts" go by, and would bid"God bless him" for what he had done. This dear old man was my firsttutor in Radicalism, and I was an apt pupil. I had taken no interestin politics, but had unconsciously reflected more or less the decorousWhiggism which had always surrounded me. I regarded "the poor" as folkto be educated, looked after, charitably dealt with, and alwaystreated with most perfect courtesy, the courtesy being due from me, asa lady, to all equally, whether they were rich or poor. But to Mr. Roberts "the poor" were the working-bees, the wealth producers, with aright to self-rule not to looking after, with a right to justice, notto charity, and he preached his doctrines to me in season and out ofseason. I was a pet of his, and used often to drive him to his officein the morning, glorying much in the fact that my skill was trusted inguiding a horse through the crowded Manchester streets. During thesedrives, and on all other available occasions, Mr. Roberts would preachto me the cause of the people. "What do you think of John Bright?" hedemanded suddenly one day, looking at me with fiery eyes from underheavy brows. "I have never thought of him at all, " was the carelessanswer. "Isn't he a rather rough sort of man, who goes about makingrows?" "There, I thought so!" he thundered at me fiercely. "That'sjust what I say. I believe some of you fine ladies would not go toheaven if you had to rub shoulders with John Bright, the noblest manGod ever gave to the cause of the poor. "

This was the hot-tempered and lovable "demagogue, " as he was called, with whom we were staying when Colonel Kelly and Captain Deasy, twoFenian leaders, were arrested in Manchester and put on their trial. Thewhole Irish population became seething with excitement, and onSeptember 18th the police van carrying them to Salford Gaol was stoppedat the Bellevue Railway Arch by the sudden fall of one of the horses, shot from the side of the road. In a moment the van was surrounded, andcrowbars were wrenching at the van door. It resisted; a body of policewas rapidly approaching, and if the rescue was to be effective the doormust be opened. The rescuers shouted to Brett, the constable inside, topass out his keys; he refused, and some one exclaimed, "Blow off thelock!" In a moment the muzzle of a revolver was against the lock, andit was blown off; but Brett, stooping down to look through the keyhole, received the bullet in his head, and fell dying as the door flew open. Another moment, and Allen, a lad of seventeen, had wrenched open thedoors of the compartments occupied by Kelly and Deasy, dragged themout, and while two or three hurried them off to a place of safety, theothers threw themselves between the fugitives and the police, and withlevelled revolvers guarded their flight. The Fenian leaders once safe, they scattered, and young William Allen, whose one thought had been forhis chiefs, seeing them safe, fired his revolver in the air, for hewould not shed blood in his own defence. Disarmed by his own act, hewas set on by the police, brutally struck down, kicked and stoned, andwas dragged off to gaol, faint and bleeding, to meet there some of hiscomrades in much the same plight as himself. Then Manchester went mad, and race-passions flared up into flame; no Irish workman was safe in acrowd of Englishmen, no Englishman safe in the Irish quarter. Thefriends of the prisoners besieged "Lawyer Roberts's" house, praying hisaid, and he threw his whole fiery soul into their defence. The man whohad fired the accidentally fatal shot was safely out of the way, andnone of the others had hurt a human being. A Special Commission wasissued, with Mr. Justice Blackburn at its head--"the hanging judge, "groaned Mr. Roberts--and it was soon in Manchester, for all Mr. Roberts's efforts to get the venue of the trial changed were futile, though of fair trial then in Manchester there was no chance. On October25th the prisoners were actually brought up before the magistrates inirons, and Mr. Ernest Jones, their counsel, failing in his protestagainst this outrage, threw down his brief and left the court. So greatwas the haste with which the trial was hurried on that on the 29thAllen, Larkin, Gould (O'Brien), Maguire, and Condon were standing inthe dock before the Commission charged with murder. 

My first experience of an angry crowd was on that day as we drove tothe court; the streets were barricaded, the soldiers were under arms, every approach to the court crowded with surging throngs. At last ourcarriage was stopped as we were passing at a foot's pace through anIrish section of the crowd, and various vehement fists came through thewindow, with hearty curses at the "d----d English who were going to seethe boys murdered. " The situation was critical, for we were two womenand three girls, when I bethought myself that we were unknown, andgently touched the nearest fist: "Friends, these are Mr. Roberts' wifeand daughters. " "Roberts! Lawyer Roberts! God bless Roberts! Let hiscarriage through. " And all the scowling faces became smile-wreathen, and curses changed to cheers, as a road to the court steps was clearedfor us. 

Alas! if there was passion on behalf of the prisoners outside, therewas passion against them within, and the very opening of the trialshowed the spirit that animated the prosecution and the bench. DigbySeymour, Q. C. , and Ernest Jones, were briefed for the defence, and Mr. Roberts did not think that they exercised sufficiently their right ofchallenge; he knew, as we all did, that many on the panel had loudlyproclaimed their hostility to the Irish, and Mr. Roberts persisted inchallenging them as his counsel would not. In vain Judge Blackburnthreatened to commit the rebellious solicitor: "These men's lives areat stake, my lord, " was his indignant plea. "Remove that man!" criedthe angry judge, but as the officers of the court came forward veryslowly--for all poor men loved and honoured the sturdy fighter--hechanged his mind and let him stay. Despite all his efforts, the jurycontained a man who had declared that he "didn't care what the evidencewas, he would hang every d----d Irishman of the lot. " And the resultshowed that he was not alone in his view, for evidence of the mostdisreputable kind was admitted; women of the lowest type were put intothe box as witnesses, and their word taken as unchallengeable; thus wasdestroyed an _alibi_ for Maguire, afterwards accepted by the Crown, afree pardon being issued on the strength of it. Nothing could save thedoomed men from the determined verdict, and I could see from where Iwas sitting into a little room behind the bench, where an official wasquietly preparing the black caps before the verdict had been delivered. The foregone "Guilty" was duly repeated as verdict on each of the fivecases, and the prisoners asked if they had anything to say why sentenceof death should not be passed on them. Allen, boy as he was, made avery brave and manly speech; he had not fired, save in the air--if hehad done so he might have escaped; he had helped to free Kelly andDeasy, and did not regret it; he was willing to die for Ireland. Maguire and Condon (he also was reprieved) declared they were notpresent, but, like Allen, were ready to die for their country. Sentenceof death was passed, and, as echo to the sardonic "The Lord have mercyon your souls, " rang back from the dock in five clear voices, withnever a quiver of fear in them, "God save Ireland!" and the men passedone by one from the sight of my tear-dimmed eyes. 

It was a sorrowful time that followed; the despair of the heart-brokengirl who was Allen's sweetheart, and who cried to us on her knees, "Save my William!" was hard to see; nothing we or any one could doavailed to avert the doom, and on November 23rd Allen, Larkin, andO'Brien were hanged outside Salford Gaol. Had they striven for freedomin Italy England would have honoured them; here she buried them ascommon murderers in quicklime in the prison yard. 

I have found, with a keen sense of pleasure, that Mr. Bradlaugh andmyself were in 1867 to some extent co-workers, although we knew not ofeach other's existence, and although he was doing much, and I onlygiving such poor sympathy as a young girl might, who was only justawakening to the duty of political work. I read in the _NationalReformer_ for November 24, 1867, that in the preceding week he waspleading on Clerkenwell Green for these men's lives:--"According tothe evidence at the trial, Deasy and Kelly were illegally arrested. They had been arrested for vagrancy of which no evidence was given, andapparently remanded for felony without a shadow of justification. Hehad yet to learn that in England the same state of things existed as inIreland; he had yet to learn that an illegal arrest was sufficientground to detain any of the citizens of any country in the prisons ofthis one. If he were illegally held, he was justified in using enoughforce to procure his release. Wearing a policeman's coat gave noauthority when the officer exceeded his jurisdiction. He had arguedthis before Lord Chief Justice Erie in the Court of Common Pleas, andthat learned judge did not venture to contradict the argument which hesubmitted. There was another reason why they should spare these men, although he hardly expected the Government to listen, because theGovernment sent down one of the judges who was predetermined to convictthe prisoners; it was that the offence was purely a political one. Thedeath of Brett was a sad mischance, but no one who read the evidencecould regard the killing of Brett as an intentional murder. Legally, itwas murder; morally, it was homicide in the rescue of a politicalcaptive. If it were a question of the rescue of the political captivesof Varignano, or of political captives in Bourbon, in Naples, or inPoland, or in Paris, even earls might be found so to argue. Wherein isour sister Ireland less than these? In executing these men, they wouldthrow down the gauntlet for terrible reprisals. It was a grave andsolemn question. It had been said by a previous speaker that they wereprepared to go to any lengths to save these Irishmen. They were not. Hewished they were. If they were, if the men of England, from one end tothe other, were prepared to say, 'These men shall not be executed, 'they would not be. He was afraid they had not pluck enough for that. Their moral courage was not equal to their physical strength. Thereforehe would not say that they were prepared to do so. They must plead _admisericordiam_. He appealed to the press, which represented the powerof England; to that press which in its panic-stricken moments had donemuch harm, and which ought now to save these four doomed men. If thepress demanded it, no Government would be mad enough to resist. Thememory of the blood which was shed in 1798 rose up like a bloody ghostagainst them to-day. He only feared that what they said upon thesubject might do the poor men more harm than good. If it were not so, he would coin words that should speak in words of fire. As it was, hecould only say to the Government: You are strong to-day; you hold thesemen's lives in your hands; but if you want to reconcile their countryto you, if you want to win back Ireland, if you want to make herchildren love you--then do not embitter their hearts still more bytaking the lives of these men. Temper your strength with mercy; do notuse the sword of justice like one of vengeance, for the day may comewhen it shall be broken in your hands, and you yourselves brained bythe hilt of the weapon you have so wickedly wielded. " In October hehad printed a plea for Ireland, strong and earnest, asking:--

"Where is our boasted English freedom when you cross to Kingstown pier?Where has it been for near two years? The Habeas Corpus Act suspended, the gaols crowded, the steamers searched, spies listening at shebeenshops for sedition, and the end of it a Fenian panic in England. Oh, before it be too late, before more blood stain the pages of our presenthistory, before we exasperate and arouse bitter animosities, let us tryand do justice to our sister land. Abolish once and for all the landlaws, which in their iniquitous operation have ruined her peasantry. Sweep away the leech-like Church which has sucked her vitality, and hasgiven her back no word even of comfort in her degradation. Turn herbarracks into flax mills, encourage a spirit of independence in hercitizens, restore to her people the protection of the law, so that theymay speak without fear of arrest, and beg them to plainly and boldlystate their grievances. Let a commission of the best and wisest amongstIrishmen, with some of our highest English judges added, sit solemnlyto hear all complaints, and then let us honestly legislate, not for thepunishment of the discontented, but to remove the causes of thediscontent. It is not the Fenians who have depopulated Ireland'sstrength and increased her misery. It is not the Fenians who haveevicted tenants by the score. It is not the Fenians who have checkedcultivation. Those who have caused the wrong at least should frame theremedy. "

In December, 1867, I sailed out of the safe harbour of my happy andpeaceful girlhood on to the wide sea of life, and the waves brokeroughly as soon as the bar was crossed. We were an ill-matched pair, myhusband and I, from the very outset; he, with very high ideas of ahusband's authority and a wife's submission, holding strongly to the"master-in-my-own-house theory, " thinking much of the details of homearrangements, precise, methodical, easily angered and with difficultyappeased. I, accustomed to freedom, indifferent to home details, impulsive, very hot-tempered, and proud as Lucifer. I had never had aharsh word spoken to me, never been ordered to do anything, had had myway smoothed for my feet, and never a worry had touched me. Harshnessroused first incredulous wonder, then a storm of indignant tears, andafter a time a proud, defiant resistance, cold and hard as iron. Theeasy-going, sunshiny, enthusiastic girl changed--and changed prettyrapidly--into a grave, proud, reticent woman, burying deep in her ownheart all her hopes, her fears, and her disillusions. I must have beena very unsatisfactory wife from the beginning, though I think othertreatment might gradually have turned me into a fair imitation of theproper conventional article. Beginning with the ignorance beforealluded to, and so scared and outraged at heart from the very first;knowing nothing of household management or economical use of money--Ihad never had an allowance or even bought myself a pair ofgloves--though eager to perform my new duties creditably; unwilling topotter over little things, and liking to do swiftly what I had to do, and then turn to my beloved books; at heart fretting for my mother butrarely speaking of her, as I found my longing for her presence raisedjealous vexation; with strangers about me with whom I had no sympathy;visited by ladies who talked to me only about babies andservants--troubles of which I knew nothing and which bored meunutterably--and who were as uninterested in all that had filled mylife, in theology, in politics, in science, as I was uninterested inthe discussions on the housemaid's young man and on the cook'sextravagance in using "butter, when dripping would have done perfectlywell, my dear"; was it wonderful that I became timid, dull, anddepressed?

All my eager, passionate enthusiasm, so attractive to men in a younggirl, were doubtless incompatible with "the solid comfort of a wife, "and I must have been inexpressibly tiring to the Rev. Frank Besant. And, in truth, I ought never to have married, for under the soft, loving, pliable girl there lay hidden, as much unknown to herself as toher surroundings, a woman of strong dominant will, strength that pantedfor expression and rebelled against restraint, fiery and passionateemotions that were seething under compression--a most undesirablepartner to sit in the lady's arm-chair on the domestic rug before thefire. [_Que le diable faisait-elle dans cette galère, _] I have oftenthought, looking back at my past self, and asking, Why did that foolishgirl make her bed so foolishly? But self-analysis shows thecontradictories in my nature that led me into so mistaken a course. Ihave ever been the queerest mixture of weakness and strength, and havepaid heavily for the weakness. As a child I used to suffer tortures ofshyness, and if my shoe-lace was untied would feel shamefacedly thatevery eye was fixed on the unlucky string; as a girl I would shrinkaway from strangers and think myself unwanted and unliked, so that Iwas full of eager gratitude to any one who noticed me kindly; as theyoung mistress of a house, I was afraid of my servants, and would letcareless work pass rather than bear the pain of reproving the ill-doer;when I have been lecturing and debating with no lack of spirit on theplatform, I have preferred to go without what I wanted at the hotelrather than to ring and make the waiter fetch it; combative on theplatform in defence of any cause I cared for, I shrink from quarrel ordisapproval in the home, and am a coward at heart in private while agood fighter in public. How often have I passed unhappy quarters of anhour screwing up my courage to find fault with some subordinate whom myduty compelled me to reprove, and how often have I jeered at myself fora fraud as the doughty platform combatant, when shrinking from blamingsome lad or lass for doing their work badly! An unkind look or word hasavailed to make me shrink into myself as a snail into its shell, whileon the platform opposition makes me speak my best. So I slid intomarriage blindly and stupidly, fearing to give pain; fretted my heartout for a year; then, roused by harshness and injustice, stiffened andhardened, and lived with a wall of ice round me within which I wagedmental conflicts that nearly killed me; and learned at last how to liveand work in armour that turned the edge of the weapons that struck it, and left the flesh beneath unwounded, armour laid aside, but in thepresence of a very few. 

My first serious attempts at writing were made in 1868, and I took uptwo very different lines of composition; I wrote some short stories ofa very flimsy type, and also a work of a much more ambitious character, "The Lives of the Black Letter Saints. " For the sake of theunecclesiastically trained it may be as well to mention that in theCalendar of the Church of England there are a number of Saints' Days;some of these are printed in red, and are Red Letter Days, for whichservices are appointed by the Church; others are printed in black, andare Black Letter Days, and have no special services fixed for them. Itseemed to me that it would be interesting to take each of these daysand write a sketch of the life of the saint belonging to it, andaccordingly I set to work to do so, and gathered various books ofhistory and legend where-from to collect my "facts. " I do not in theleast know what became of that valuable book; I tried Macmillans withit, and it was sent on by them to some one who was preparing a seriesof Church books for the young; later I had a letter from a Churchbrotherhood offering to publish it, if I would give it as "an act ofpiety" to their order; its ultimate fate is to me unknown. 

The short stories were more fortunate. I sent the first to the _FamilyHerald_, and some weeks afterwards received a letter from which droppeda cheque as I opened it. Dear me! I have earned a good deal of moneysince by my pen, but never any that gave me the intense delight of thatfirst thirty shillings. It was the first money I had ever earned, andthe pride of the earning was added to the pride of authorship. In mychildish delight and practical religion, I went down on my knees andthanked God for sending it to me, and I saw myself earning heaps ofgolden guineas, and becoming quite a support of the household. Besides, it was "my very own, " I thought, and a delightful sense of independencecame over me. I had not then realised the beauty of the English law, and the dignified position in which it placed the married woman; I didnot understand that all a married woman earned by law belonged to herowner, and that she could have nothing that belonged to her ofright. [1] I did not want the money: I was only so glad to havesomething of my own to give, and it was rather a shock to learn that itwas not really mine at all. 

From time to time after that I earned a few pounds for stories in thesame journal; and the _Family Herald_, let me say, has one peculiaritywhich should render it beloved by poor authors; it pays its contributorwhen it accepts the paper, whether it prints it immediately or not;thus my first story was not printed for some weeks after I received thecheque, and it was the same with all the others accepted by the samejournal. Encouraged by these small successes, I began writing a novel!It took a long time to do, but was at last finished, and sent off tothe _Family Herald_. The poor thing came back, but with a kind note, telling me that it was too political for their pages, but that if Iwould write one of "purely domestic interest, " and up to the samelevel, it would probably be accepted. But by that time I was in thefull struggle of theological doubt, and that novel of "purely domesticinterest" never got itself written. 

I contributed further to the literature of my country a theologicalpamphlet, of which I forget the exact title, but it dealt with the dutyof fasting incumbent on all faithful Christians, and was very patristicin its tone. 

In January, 1869, my little son was born, and as I was very ill forsome months before, and was far too much interested in the tinycreature afterwards, to devote myself to pen and paper, my literarycareer was checked for a while. The baby gave a new interest and a newpleasure to life, and as we could not afford a nurse I had plenty to doin looking after his small majesty. My energy in reading became lessfeverish when it was done by the side of the baby's cradle, and thelittle one's presence almost healed the abiding pain of my mother'sloss. 

I may pass very quickly over the next two years. In August, 1870, alittle sister was born to my son, and the recovery was slow andtedious, for my general health had been failing for some time. 

[Illustration: _From a photograph by Dighton's Art Studio, Cheltenham_. ANNIE BESANT 1869. ]

The boy was a bright, healthy little fellow, but the girl was delicatefrom birth, suffering from her mother's unhappiness, and born somewhatprematurely in consequence of a shock. When, in the spring of 1871, thetwo children caught the whooping cough, my Mabel's delicacy made theordeal well-nigh fatal to her. She was very young for so trying adisease, and after a while bronchitis set in and was followed bycongestion of the lungs. For weeks she lay in hourly peril of death Wearranged a screen round the fire like a tent, and kept it full of steamto ease the panting breath; and there I sat, day and night, all throughthose weary weeks, the tortured baby on my knees. I loved my littleones passionately, for their clinging love soothed the aching at myheart, and their baby eyes could not critically scan the unhappinessthat grew deeper month by month; and that steam-filled tent became myworld, and there, alone, I fought with Death for my child. The doctorsaid that recovery was impossible, and that in one of the paroxysms ofcoughing she must die; the most distressing thing was that, at last, even a drop or two of milk would bring on the terrible convulsivechoking, and it seemed cruel to add to the pain of the apparently dyingchild. At length, one morning the doctor said she could not lastthrough the day; I had sent for him hurriedly, for the body hadsuddenly swollen up as a result of the perforation of one of thepleurae, and the consequent escape of air into the cavity of the chest. While he was there one of the fits of coughing came on, and it seemedas though it must be the last. He took a small bottle of chloroform outof his pocket, and putting a drop on a handkerchief held it near thechild's face, till the drug soothed the convulsive struggle. "It can'tdo any harm at this stage, " he said, "and it checks the suffering. " Hewent away, saying that he feared he would never see the child aliveagain. One of the kindest friends I had in my married life was thatsame doctor, Mr. Lauriston Winterbotham; he was as good as he wasclever, and, like so many of his noble profession, he had the merits ofdiscretion and silence. He never breathed a word as to my unhappiness, until in 1878 he came up to town to give evidence as to crueltywhich--had the deed of separation not been held as condonation--wouldhave secured me a divorce _a mensa et thoro. _

The child, however, recovered, and her recovery was due, I think, tothat chance thought of Mr. Winterbotham's about the chloroform, for Iused it whenever the first sign of a fit of coughing appeared, and sowarded off the convulsive attack and the profound exhaustion thatfollowed, in which a mere flicker of breath at the top of the throatwas the only sign of life, and sometimes even that disappeared, and Ithought her gone. For years the child remained ailing and delicate, requiring the tenderest care, but those weeks of anguish left a deepertrace on mother than on child. Once she was out of danger I collapsedphysically, and lay in bed for a week unmoving, and then rose to face astruggle which lasted for three years and two months, and nearly costme my life, the struggle which transformed me from a Christian into anAtheist. The agony of the struggle was in the first nineteen months--atime to be looked back upon with shrinking, as it was a hell to livethrough at the time. For no one who has not felt it knows the fearfulanguish inflicted by doubt on the earnestly religious soul. There is inlife no other pain so horrible, so keen in its torture, so crushing inits weight. It seems to shipwreck everything, to destroy the one steadygleam of happiness "on the other side" that no earthly storm couldobscure; to make all life gloomy with a horror of despair, a darknessthat verily may be felt. Nothing but an imperious intellectual andmoral necessity can drive into doubt a religious mind, for it is asthough an earthquake shook the foundations of the soul, and the verybeing quivers and sways under the shock. No life in the empty sky; nogleam in the blackness of the night; no voice to break the deadlysilence; no hand outstretched to save. Empty-brained triflers who havenever tried to think, who take their creed as they take their fashions, speak of Atheism as the outcome of foul life and vicious desires. Intheir shallow heartlessness and shallower thought they cannot evendimly imagine the anguish of entering the mere penumbra of the Eclipseof Faith, much less the horror of that great darkness in which theorphaned soul cries out into the infinite emptiness: "Is it a Devilthat has made the world? Is the echo, 'Children, ye have no Father, 'true? Is all blind chance, is all the clash of unconscious forces, orare we the sentient toys of an Almighty Power that sports with ouragony, whose peals of awful mockery of laughter ring back answer to thewailings of our despair?"

How true are the noble words of Mrs. Hamilton King:--

 "For some may follow Truth from dawn to dark, As a child follows by his mother's hand, Knowing no fear, rejoicing all the way; And unto some her face is as a Star Set through an avenue of thorns and fires, And waving branches black without a leaf; And still It draws them, though the feet must bleed, Though garments must be rent, and eyes be scorched: And if the valley of the shadow of death Be passed, and to the level road they come, Still with their faces to the polar star, It is not with the same looks, the same limbs, But halt, and maimed, and of infirmity. And for the rest of the way they have to go It is not day but night, and oftentimes A night of clouds wherein the stars are lost. "[2]

Aye! but never lost is the Star of Truth to which the face is set, andwhile that shines all lesser lights may go. It was the long months ofsuffering through which I had been passing, with the seeminglypurposeless torturing of my little one as a climax, that struck thefirst stunning blow at my belief in God as a merciful Father of men. Ihad been visiting the poor a good deal, and had marked the patientsuffering of their lives; my idolised mother had been defrauded by alawyer she had trusted, and was plunged into debt by his non-payment ofthe sums that should have passed through his hands to others; my ownbright life had been enshrouded by pain and rendered to me degraded byan intolerable sense of bondage; and here was my helpless, sinless babetortured for weeks and left frail and suffering. The smooth brightnessof my previous life made all the disillusionment more startling, andthe sudden plunge into conditions so new and so unfavourable dazed andstunned me. My religious past became the worst enemy of the sufferingpresent. All my personal belief in Christ, all my intense faith in Hisconstant direction of affairs, all my habit of continual prayer and ofrealisation of His Presence--all were against me now. The very heightof my trust was the measure of the shock when the trust gave way. To meHe was no abstract idea, but a living reality, and all my heart rose upagainst this Person in whom I believed, and whose individual finger Isaw in my baby's agony, my own misery, the breaking of my mother'sproud heart under a load of debt, and all the bitter suffering of thepoor. The presence of pain and evil in a world made by a good God; thepain falling on the innocent, as on my seven months' old babe; the painbegun here reaching on into eternity unhealed; a sorrow-laden world; alurid, hopeless hell; all these, while I still believed, drove medesperate, and instead of like the devils believing and trembling, Ibelieved and hated. All the hitherto dormant and unsuspected strengthof my nature rose up in rebellion; I did not yet dream of denial, but Iwould no longer kneel. 

As the first stirrings of this hot rebellion moved in my heart I met aclergyman of a very noble type, who did much to help me by his readyand wise sympathy. Mr. Besant brought him to see me during the crisisof the child's illness; he said little, but on the following day Ireceived from him the following note:--

"_April_ 21, 1871. 

"My Dear Mrs. Besant, --I am painfully conscious that I gave you butlittle help in your trouble yesterday. It is needless to say that itwas not from want of sympathy. Perhaps it would be nearer the truth tosay that it was from excess of sympathy. I shrink intensely frommeddling with the sorrow of any one whom I feel to be of a sensitivenature. 'The heart hath its own bitterness, and the stranger meddlethnot therewith. ' It is to me a positively fearful thought that I mightawaken such a reflection as

 "'And common was the commonplace, And vacant chaff well meant for grain. '

Conventional consolations, conventional verses out of the Bible, andconventional prayers are, it seems to me, an intolerable aggravation ofsuffering. And so I acted on a principle that I mentioned to yourhusband that 'there is no power so great as that of one human faithlooking upon another human faith. ' The promises of God, the love ofChrist for little children, and all that has been given to us of hopeand comfort, are as deeply planted in your heart as in mine, and I didnot care to quote them. But when I talk face to face with one who is insore need of them, my faith in them suddenly becomes so vast andheart-stirring that I think I must help most by talking naturally, andletting the faith find its own way from soul to soul. Indeed, I couldnot find words for it if I tried. And yet I am compelled, as amessenger of the glad tidings of God, to solemnly assure you that allis well. We have no key to the 'mystery of pain' excepting the Cross ofChrist. But there is another and a deeper solution in the hands of ourFather; and it will be ours when we can understand it. There is--in theplace to which we travelsome blessed explanation of your baby's painand your grief, which will fill with light the darkest heart. Now youmust believe without having seen; that is true faith. You must

 "'Reach a hand through time to catch The far-off interest of tears. '

That you may have strength so to do is part of your share in theprayers of

"Yours very faithfully, "W. D----. "

A noble letter, but the storm was beating too fiercely to be stilled, and one night in that summer of 1871 stands out clearly before me. Mr. Besant was away, and there had been a fierce quarrel before he left. Iwas outraged, desperate, with no door of escape from a life that, losing its hope in God, had not yet learned to live for hope for man. No door of escape? The thought came like a flash: "There is one!" Andbefore me there swung open, with lure of peace and of safety, thegateway into silence and security, the gateway of the tomb. I wasstanding by the drawing-room window, staring hopelessly at the eveningsky; with the thought came the remembrance that the means was athand--the chloroform that had soothed my baby's pain, and that I hadlocked away upstairs. I ran up to my room, took out the bottle, andcarried it downstairs, standing again at the window in the summertwilight, glad that the struggle was over and peace at hand. I uncorkedthe bottle, and was raising it to my lips, when, as though the wordswere spoken softly and clearly, I heard: "O coward, coward, who used todream of martyrdom, and cannot bear a few short years of pain!" A rushof shame swept over me, and I flung the bottle far away among theshrubs in the garden at my feet, and for a moment I felt strong as fora struggle, and then fell fainting on the floor. Only once again in allthe strifes of my career did the thought of suicide recur, and then itwas but for a moment, to be put aside as unworthy a strong soul. 

My new friend, Mr. D----, proved a very real help. The endless tortureof hell, the vicarious sacrifice of Christ, the trustworthiness ofrevelation, doubts on all these hitherto accepted doctrines grew andheaped themselves on my bewildered soul. My questionings were neithershirked nor discouraged by Mr. D----; he was not horrified nor was hesanctimoniously rebukeful, but met them all with a wide comprehensioninexpressibly soothing to one writhing in the first agonies of doubt. He left Cheltenham in the early autumn of 1871, but the followingextracts from a letter written in November will show the kind of net inwhich I was struggling (I had been reading M'Leod Campbell's work "Onthe Atonement"):--

"You forget one great principle--that God is impassive, cannot suffer. Christ, _quâ_ God, did not suffer, but as Son of _Man_ and in Hishumanity. Still, it may be correctly stated that He felt to sin andsinners 'as God eternally feels'--_i. E. , abhorrence of sin, and love ofthe sinner_. But to infer from that that the Father in His Godheadfeels the sufferings which Christ experienced solely in humanity, andbecause incarnate is, I think, wrong. 

"(2) I felt strongly inclined to blow you up for the last part of yourletter. You assume, I think quite gratuitously, that God condemns themajor part of His children to objectless future suffering. You say thatif He does not, He places a book in their hands which threatens what Hedoes not mean to inflict. But how utterly this seems to me opposed tothe gospel of Christ! All Christ's references to eternal punishment maybe resolved into references to the Valley of Hinnom, by way of imagery;with the exception of the Dives parable, where is distinctly inferred amoral amendment beyond the grave. I speak of the unselfish desire ofDives to save his brothers. The more I see of the controversy, the morebaseless does the eternal punishment theory appear. It seems then, tome, that instead of feeling aggrieved and shaken, you ought to feelencouraged and thankful that God is so much better than you were taughtto believe Him. You will have discovered by this time in Maurice's'What is Revelation?' (I suppose you have the 'Sequel, ' too?), thatGod's truth is our truth, and His love is our love, only more perfectand full. There is no position more utterly defeated in modernphilosophy and theology than Dean Mansel's attempt to show that God'slove, justice, &c. , are different in kind from ours. Mill and Maurice, from totally alien points of view, have shown up the preposterousnature of the notion. 

"(3) A good deal of what you have thought is, I fancy, based on astrange forgetfulness of your former experience. If you have knownChrist--(whom to know is eternal life)--and that you have known Him Iam certain--can you really say that a few intellectual difficulties, nay, a few moral difficulties if you will, are able at once toobliterate the testimony of that higher state of being?

"Why, the keynote of all my theology is that Christ is lovable because, and _just_ because, He is the perfection of all that I know to be nobleand generous, and loving, and tender, and true. If an angel from heavenbrought me a gospel which contained doctrines that would not stand thetest of such perfect lovableness--doctrines hard, or cruel, orunjust--I should reject him and his trumpery gospel with scorn, knowingthat neither could be Christ's. Know Christ and judge religions by Him;don't judge Him by religions, and then complain because they findyourself looking at Him through a blood-coloured glass. "

"I am saturating myself with Maurice, who is the antidote given by Godto this age against all dreary doublings and temptings of the devil todespair. "

Many a one, in this age of controversy over all things once heldsacred, has found peace and new light on this line of thought, and hassucceeded in thus reconciling theological doctrines with the demands ofthe conscience for love and justice in a world made by a just andloving God. I could not do so. The awakening to what the world was, tothe facts of human misery, to the ruthless tramp of nature and ofevents over the human heart, making no difference between innocent andguilty--the shock had been too great for the equilibrium to be restoredby arguments that appealed to the emotions and left the intellectunconvinced. Months of this long-drawn-out mental anguish wrought theirnatural effects on physical health, and at last I broke downcompletely, and lay for weeks helpless and prostrate, in raging andunceasing head-pain, unable to sleep, unable to bear the light, lyinglike a log on the bed, not unconscious, but indifferent to everything, consciousness centred, as it were, in the ceaseless pain. The doctortried every form of relief, but, entrenched in its citadel, the paindefied his puny efforts. He covered my head with ice, he gave meopium--which only drove me mad--he did all that skill and kindnesscould do, but all in vain. Finally the pain wore itself out, and themoment he dared to do so, he tried mental diversion; he brought mebooks on anatomy, on science, and persuaded me to study them; and outof his busy life would steal an hour to explain to me knotty points onphysiology. He saw that if I were to be brought back to reasonablelife, it could only be by diverting thought from the channels in whichthe current had been running to a dangerous extent. I have often feltthat I owed life and sanity to that good man, who felt for thehelpless, bewildered child-woman, beaten down by the cyclone of doubtand misery. 

So it will easily be understood that my religious wretchedness onlyincreased the unhappiness of homelife, for how absurd it was that anyreasonable human being should be so tossed with anguish overintellectual and moral difficulties on religious matters, and shouldmake herself ill over these unsubstantial troubles. Surely it was awoman's business to attend to her husband's comforts and to see afterher children, and not to break her heart over misery here and hellhereafter, and distract her brain with questions that had puzzled thegreatest thinkers and still remained unsolved! And, truly, women or menwho get themselves concerned about the universe at large, would do wellnot to plunge hastily into marriage, for they do not run smoothly inthe double-harness of that honourable estate. _Sturm und Drang_ shouldbe faced alone, and the soul should go out alone into the wilderness tobe tempted of the devil, and not bring his majesty and all his impsinto the placid circle of the home. Unhappy they who go into marriagewith the glamour of youth upon them and the destiny of conflictimprinted on their nature, for they make misery for their partner inmarriage as well as for themselves. And if that partner, strong intraditional authority and conventional habits, seeks to "break in" theturbulent and storm-tossed creature--well, it comes to a mere trial ofstrength and endurance, whether that driven creature will fall pantingand crushed, or whether it will turn in its despair, assert its Divineright to intellectual liberty, rend its fetters in pieces, and, discovering its own strength in its extremity, speak at all risks its"No" when bidden to live a lie. 

When that physical crisis was over I decided on my line of action. Iresolved to take Christianity as it had been taught in the Churches, and carefully and thoroughly examine its dogmas one by one, so that Ishould never again say "I believe" where I had not proved, and that, however diminished my area of belief, what was left of it might atleast be firm under my feet. I found that four chief problems werepressing for solution, and to these I addressed myself. How many areto-day the souls facing just these problems, and disputing every inchof their old ground of faith with the steadily advancing waves ofhistorical and scientific criticism! Alas! for the many Canutes, as thewaves wash over their feet. These problems were:--

(1) The eternity of punishment after death. 

(2) The meaning of "goodness" and "love, " as applied to a God who hadmade this world, with all its sin and misery. 

(3) The nature of the atonement of Christ, and the "justice" of God inaccepting a vicarious suffering from Christ, and a vicariousrighteousness from the sinner. 

(4) The meaning of "inspiration" as applied to the Bible, and thereconciliation of the perfections of the author with the blunders andimmoralities of the work. 

It will be seen that the deeper problems of religion--the deity ofChrist, the existence of God, the immortality of the soul--were not yetbrought into question, and, looking back, I cannot but see how orderlywas the progression of thought, how steady the growth, after that firstterrible earthquake, and the first wild swirl of agony. The points thatI set myself to study were those which would naturally be first facedby any one whose first rebellion against the dogmas of the Churches wasa rebellion of the moral nature rather than of the intellectual, aprotest of the conscience rather than of the brain. It was not a desirefor moral licence which gave me the impulse that finally landed me inAtheism; it was the sense of outraged justice and insulted right. I wasa wife and mother, blameless in moral life, with a deep sense of dutyand a proud self-respect; it was while I was this that doubt struck me, and while I was in the guarded circle of the home, with no dream ofoutside work or outside liberty, that I lost all faith in Christianity. My education, my mother's example, my inner timidity and self-distrust, all fenced me in from temptations from without. It was the uprising ofan outraged conscience that made me a rebel against the Churches andfinally an unbeliever in God. And I place this on record, because theprogress of Materialism will never be checked by diatribes againstunbelievers, as though they became unbelievers from desire for vice andfor licence to do evil. What Religion has to face in the controversiesof to-day is not the unbelief of the sty, but the unbelief of theeducated conscience and of the soaring intellect; and unless it can armitself with a loftier ethic and a grander philosophy than its opponent, it will lose its hold over the purest and the strongest of the youngergeneration. 

CHAPTER V. 

THE STORM OF DOUBT. 

My reading of heretical and Broad Church works on one side, and oforthodox ones on the other, now occupied a large part of my time, andour removal to Sibsey, in Lincolnshire, an agricultural village with ascattered population, increased my leisure. I read the works ofRobertson, Stopford Brooke, Stanley, Greg, Matthew Arnold, Liddon, Mansel, and many another, and my scepticism grew deeper and deeper asI read. The Broad Church arguments appeared to me to be of the natureof special pleading, skilful evasions of difficulties rather than thereal meeting and solving of them. For the problem was: Given a goodGod, how can He have created mankind, knowing beforehand that the vastmajority of those whom He created were to be tortured for ever? Givena just God, how can He punish people for being sinful, when they haveinherited a sinful nature without their own choice and of necessity?Given a righteous God, how can He allow sin to exist for ever, so thatevil shall be as eternal as good, and Satan shall reign in hell aslong as Christ in heaven? Worst of all puzzles, perhaps, was that ofthe existence of evil and of misery, and the racking doubt whether God_could_ be good, and yet look on the evil and the misery of the worldunmoved and untouched. It seemed so impossible to believe that aCreator could be either cruel enough to be indifferent to the misery, or weak enough to be unable to stop it. The old dilemma faced meincessantly: "If He can prevent it and does not, He is not good; if Hewishes to prevent it and cannot, He is not almighty. " I racked mybrains for an answer. I searched writings of believers for a clue, butI found no way of escape. Not yet had any doubt of the existence ofGod crossed my mind. 

Mr. D---- continued to write me, striving to guide me along the pathwhich had led his own soul to contentment, but I can only find roomhere for two brief extracts, which will show how to himself he solvedthe problem. He thought me mistaken in my view

"Of the nature of the _sin_ and _error_ which is supposed to grieveGod. I take it that sin is an absolutely necessary factor in theproduction of the perfect man. It was foreseen and allowed as means toan end--as, in fact, an education. The view of all the sin and miseryin the world cannot grieve God any more than it can grieve you to seeDigby fail in his first attempt to build a card-castle or arabbit-hutch. All is part of the training. God looks at the ideal manto which all tends. .. . "No, Mrs. Besant; I never feel at all inclinedto give up the search, or to suppose that the other side may be right. I claim no merit for it, but I have an invincible faith in themorality of God and the moral order of the world. I have no more doubtabout the falsehood of the popular theology than I have about theunreality of six robbers who attacked me three nights ago in a horriddream. I exult and rejoice in the grandeur and freedom of the littlebit of truth it has been given me to see. I am told that 'Present-dayPapers, ' by Bishop Ewing (edited), are a wonderful help, many of them, to puzzled people; I mean to get them. But I am sure you will findthat the truth will (even so little as we may be able to find out)grow on you, make you free, light your path, and dispel, at no distanttime, your _painful_ difficulties and doubts. I should say on noaccount give up your reading. I think with you that you could not dowithout it. It will be a wonderful source of help and peace to you. For there are struggles far more fearful than those of intellectualdoubt. I am keenly alive to the gathered-up sadness of which your lasttwo pages are an expression. I was sorrier than I can say to readthem. They reminded me of a long and very dark time in my own life, when I thought the light never would come. Thank God it came, or Ithink I could not have held out much longer. But you have evidentlystrength to bear it now. The more dangerous time, I should fancy, haspassed. You will have to mind that the fermentation leaves clearspiritual wine, and not (as too often) vinegar. I wish I could writesomething more helpful to you in this great matter. But as I sit infront of my large bay window and see the shadows on the grass and thesunlight on the leaves, and the soft glimmer of the rosebuds left bythe storms, I can but believe that all will be very well. 'Trust inthe Lord, wait patiently for Him'--they are trite words. But He madethe grass, the leaves, the rosebuds, and the sunshine, and He is theFather of our Lord Jesus Christ. And now the trite words have swelledinto a mighty argument. "

I found more help in Theistic writers like Grey, and Agnostic likeArnold, than I did in the Broad Church teachers, but these, of course, served to make return to the old faith more and more impossible. TheChurch services were a weekly torture, but feeling as I did that I wasonly a doubter, I kept my doubts to myself. It was possible, I felt, that all my difficulties might be cleared up, and I had no right toshake the faith of others while in uncertainty myself. Others haddoubted and had afterwards recovered their faith; for the doubtersilence was a duty; the blinded had better keep their misery tothemselves. 

During these weary months of anxiety and torment I found some relieffrom the mental strain in practical parish work, nursing the sick, trying to brighten the lot of the poor. I learned then some of thelessons as to the agricultural labourer and the land that I was ablein after-years to teach from the platform. The movement among theagricultural labourers, due to the energy and devotion of Joseph Arch, was beginning to be discussed in the fens, and my sympathies wentstrongly with the claims of the labourers, for I knew theirlife-conditions. In one cottage I had found four generations sleepingin one room--the great-grandfather and his wife, the unmarriedgrandmother, the unmarried mother, the little child; three men lodgerscompleted the tale of eight human beings crowded into that narrow, ill-ventilated garret. Other cottages were hovels, through the brokenroofs of which poured the rain, and wherein rheumatism and ague livedwith the human dwellers. How could I do aught but sympathise with anycombination that aimed at the raising of these poor? But theAgricultural Labourers' Union was bitterly opposed by the farmers, andthey would give no work to a "Union man. " One example may serve forall. There was a young married man with two small children, who wassinful enough to go to a Union meeting and sinful enough to talk of iton his return home. No farmer would employ him in all the districtround. He tramped about vainly looking for work, grew reckless, andtook to drink. Visiting his cottage, consisting of one room and a"lean-to, " I found his wife ill with fever, a fever-stricken babe inher arms, the second child lying dead on the bed. In answer to mysoft-spoken questions: Yes, she was pining (starving), there was nowork. Why did she leave the dead child on the bed? Because she had noother place for it till the coffin came. And at night the unhappy, driven man, the fever-stricken wife, the fever-stricken child, thedead child, all lay in the one bed. The farmers hated the Unionbecause its success meant higher wages for the men, and it neverstruck them that they might well pay less rent to the absent landlordand higher wage to the men who tilled their fields. They had onlycivil words for the burden that crushed them, hard words for themowers of their harvests and the builders-up of their ricks; they madecommon cause with their enemies instead of with their friends, andinstead of leaguing themselves together with the labourers as formingtogether the true agricultural interest, they leagued themselves withthe landlords against the labourers, and so made ruinous fratricidalstrife instead of easy victory over the common foe. And, seeing allthis, I learned some useful lessons, and the political educationprogressed while the theological strife went on within. 

In the early autumn a ray of light broke the darkness. I was in Londonwith my mother, and wandered one Sunday morning into St. George'sHall, where the Rev. Charles Voysey was preaching. There to my delightI found, on listening to the sermon and buying some literature on salein the ante-room, that there were people who had passed through my owndifficulties, and had given up the dogmas that I found so revolting. Iwent again on the following Sunday, and when the service was over Inoticed that the outgoing stream of people were passing by Mr. AndMrs. Voysey, and that many who were evidently strangers spoke a wordof thanks to him as they went on. Moved by a strong desire, after thelong months of lonely striving, to speak to one who had struggled outof Christian difficulties, I said to Mr. Voysey, as I passed in myturn, "I must thank you for very great help in what you said thismorning, " for in truth, never having yet doubted the existence of God, the teaching of Mr. Voysey that He was "loving unto _every_ man, andHis tender mercy over _all_ His works, " came like a gleam of lightacross the stormy sea of doubt and distress on which I had so longbeen tossing. The next Sunday saw me again at the Hall, and Mrs. Voysey gave me a cordial invitation to visit them in their Dulwichhome. I found their Theism was free from the defects that had revoltedme in Christianity, and they opened up to me new views of religion. Iread Theodore Parker's "Discourse on Religion, " Francis Newman'sworks, those of Miss Frances Power Cobbe, and of others; the anguishof the tension relaxed; the nightmare of an Almighty Evil passed away;my belief in God, not yet touched, was cleared from all the dark spotsthat had sullied it, and I no longer doubted whether the dogmas thathad shocked my conscience were true or false. I shook them off, oncefor all, with all their pain and horror and darkness, and felt, withjoy and relief inexpressible, that they were delusions of theignorance of man, not the revelations of a God. 

But there was one belief that had not been definitely challenged, butof which the _rationale_ was gone with the orthodox dogmas nowdefinitely renounced--the doctrine of the Deity of Christ. The wholeteaching of the Broad Church school tends, of course, to emphasise thehumanity of Christ at the expense of His Deity, and when eternalpunishment and the substitutionary atonement had gone there seemed noreason remaining sufficient to account for so tremendous a miracle asthe incarnation of the Deity. In the course of my reading I had becomefamiliar with the idea of Avatâras in Eastern creeds, and I saw thatthe incarnate God was put forward as a fact by all ancient religions, and thus the way was paved for challenging the especially Christianteaching, when the doctrines morally repulsive were cleared away. ButI shrank from the thought of placing in the crucible a doctrine sodear from all the associations of the past; there was so much that wassoothing and ennobling in the idea of a union between Man and God, between a perfect man and a Divine life, between a human heart and analmighty strength. Jesus as God was interwoven with all art and allbeauty in religion; to break with the Deity of Jesus was to break withmusic, with painting, with literature; the Divine Babe in His Mother'sarms; the Divine Man in His Passion and His Triumph; the Friend of Manencircled with the majesty of the Godhead. Did inexorable Truth demandthat this ideal Figure, with all its pathos, its beauty, its humanlove, should pass away into the Pantheon of the dead Gods of the Past?

Nor was this all. If I gave up belief in Christ as God, I must give upChristianity as creed. Once challenge the unique position of theChrist, and the name Christian seemed to me to be a hypocrisy, and itsrenouncement a duty binding on the upright mind. I was a clergyman'swife; what would be the effect of such a step? Hitherto mental painalone had been the price demanded inexorably from the searcher aftertruth; but with the renouncing of Christ outer warfare would be addedto the inner, and who might guess the result upon my life? Thestruggle was keen but short; I decided to carefully review theevidence for and against the Deity of Christ, with the result thatthat belief followed the others, and I stood, no longer Christian, face to face with a dim future in which I sensed the coming conflict. 

One effort I made to escape it; I appealed to Dr. Pusey, thinking thatif he could not answer my questionings, no answer to them could bereasonably hoped for. I had a brief correspondence with him, but wasreferred only to lines of argument familiar to me--as those of Liddonin his "Bampton Lectures"--and finally, on his invitation, went downto Oxford to see him. I found a short, stout gentleman, dressed in acassock, looking like a comfortable monk; but keen eyes, steadfastlygazing straight into mine, told of the force and subtlety enshrined inthe fine, impressive head. But the learned doctor took the wrong lineof treatment; he probably saw I was anxious, shy, and nervous, and hetreated me as a penitent going to confession and seeking the advice ofa director, instead of as an inquirer struggling after truth, andresolute to obtain some firm standing-ground in the sea of doubt. Hewould not deal with the question of the Deity of Jesus as a questionfor argument. "You are speaking of your Judge, " he retorted sternly, when I pressed a difficulty. The mere suggestion of an imperfection inthe character of Jesus made him shudder, and he checked me with raisedhand. "You are blaspheming. The very thought is a terrible sin. " Wouldhe recommend me any books that might throw light on the subject? "No, no; you have read too much already. You must pray; you must pray. "When I urged that I could not believe without proof, I was told, "Blessed are they that have not seen and yet have believed"; and myfurther questioning was checked by the murmur, "O my child, howundisciplined! how impatient!" Truly, he must have found in me--hot, eager, passionate in my determination to _know_, resolute not toprofess belief while belief was absent--nothing of the meek, chastened, submissive spirit with which he was wont to deal inpenitents seeking his counsel as their spiritual guide. In vain did hebid me pray as though I believed; in vain did he urge the duty ofblind submission to the authority of the Church, of blind, unreasoningfaith that questioned not. I had not trodden the thorny path of doubtto come to the point from which I had started; I needed, and wouldhave, solid grounds ere I believed. He had no conception of thestruggles of a sceptical spirit; he had evidently never felt the pangsof doubt; his own faith was solid as a rock, firm, satisfied, unshakable; he would as soon have committed suicide as have doubted ofthe infallibility of the "Universal Church. "

"It is not your duty to ascertain the truth, " he told me, sternly. "Itis your duty to accept and believe the truth as laid down by theChurch. At your peril you reject it. The responsibility is not yoursso long as you dutifully accept that which the Church has laid downfor your acceptance. Did not the Lord promise that the presence of theSpirit should be ever with His Church, to guide her into all truth?"

"But the fact of the promise and its value are just the very points onwhich I am doubtful, " I answered. 

He shuddered. "Pray, pray, " he said. "Father, forgive her, for sheknows not what she says. "

It was in vain that I urged on him the sincerity of my seeking, pointing out that I had everything to gain by following hisdirections, everything to lose by going my own way, but that it seemedto me untruthful to pretend to accept what was not really believed. 

"Everything to lose? Yes, indeed. You will be lost for time and lostfor eternity. "

"Lost or not, " I rejoined, "I must and will try to find out what istrue, and I will not believe till I am sure. "

"You have no right to make terms with God, " he retorted, "as to whatyou will believe or what you will not believe. You are full ofintellectual pride. "

I sighed hopelessly. Little feeling of pride was there in me justthen, but only a despairful feeling that in this rigid, unyieldingdogmatism there was no comprehension of my difficulties, no help forme in my strugglings. I rose, and, thanking him for his courtesy, saidthat I would not waste his time further, that I must go home and facethe difficulties, openly leaving the Church and taking theconsequences. Then for the first time his serenity was ruffled. 

"I forbid you to speak of your disbelief, " he cried. "I forbid you tolead into your own lost state the souls for whom Christ died. "

[Illustration: THOMAS SCOTT. ]

Slowly and sadly I took my way back to the station, knowing that mylast chance of escape had failed me. I recognised in this famousdivine the spirit of priest-craft, that could be tender and pitiful tothe sinner, repentant, humble, submissive; but that was iron to thedoubter, the heretic, and would crush out all questionings of"revealed truth, " silencing by force, not by argument, all challengeof the traditions of the Church. Out of such men were made theInquisitors of the Middle Ages, perfectly conscientious, perfectlyrigid, perfectly merciless to the heretic. To them heretics arecentres of infectious disease, and charity to the heretic is "theworst cruelty to the souls of men. " Certain that they hold, "by nomerit of our own, but by the mercy of our God, the one truth which Hehas revealed, " they can permit no questionings, they can accept noughtbut the most complete submission. But while man aspires after truth, while his mind yearns after knowledge, while his intellect soarsupward into the empyrean of speculation and "beats the air withtireless wing, " so long shall those who demand faith from him be metby challenge for proof, and those who would blind him shall bedefeated by his resolve to gaze unblenching on the face of Truth, eventhough her eyes should turn him into stone. It was during this sameautumn of 1872 that I first met Mr. And Mrs. Scott, introduced to themby Mr. Voysey. At that time Thomas Scott was an old man, withbeautiful white hair, and eyes like those of a hawk gleaming fromunder shaggy eyebrows. He had been a man of magnificent physique, and, though his frame was then enfeebled, the splendid lion-like head keptits impressive strength and beauty, and told of a unique personality. Well born and wealthy, he had spent his earlier life in adventure inall parts of the world, and after his marriage he had settled down atRamsgate, and had made his home a centre of heretical thought. Hiswife, "his right hand, " as he justly called her, was young enough tobe his daughter--a sweet, strong, gentle, noble woman, worthy of herhusband, and than that no higher praise could be spoken. Mr. Scott formany years issued monthly a series of pamphlets, all heretical, thoughvery varying in their shades of thought; all were well written, cultured, and polished in tone, and to this rule Mr. Scott made noexception; his writers might say what they liked, but they must havesomething to say, and must say it in good English. His correspondencewas enormous, from Prime Ministers downwards. At his house met peopleof the most varied opinions; it was a veritable heretical _salon_. Colenso of Natal, Edward Maitland, E. Vansittart Neale, Charles Bray, Sarah Hennell, and hundreds more, clerics and laymen, scholars andthinkers, all coming to this one house, to which the _entrée_ wasgained only by love of Truth and desire to spread Freedom among men. For Thomas Scott my first Freethought essay was written a few monthsafter, "On the Deity of Jesus of Nazareth, " by the wife of a benefitedclergyman. My name was not mine to use, so it was agreed that anyessays from my pen should be anonymous. 

And now came the return to Sibsey, and with it the need for definitesteps as to the Church. For now I no longer doubted, I had rejected, and the time for silence was past. I was willing to attend the Churchservices, taking no part in any not directed to God Himself, but Icould no longer attend the Holy Communion, for in that service, fullof recognition of Jesus as Deity and of His atoning sacrifice, I couldno longer take part without hypocrisy. This was agreed to, and well doI remember the pain and trembling wherewith on the first "SacramentSunday" after my return I rose and left the church. That the vicar'swife should "communicate" was as much a matter of course as that thevicar should "administer"; I had never done anything in public thatwould draw attention to me, and a feeling of deadly sickness nearlyovercame me as I made my exit, conscious that every eye was on me, andthat my non-participation would be the cause of unending comment. As amatter of fact, every one naturally thought I was taken suddenly ill, and I was overwhelmed with calls and inquiries. To any direct questionI answered quietly that I was unable to take part in the profession offaith required by an honest communicant, but the statement was rarelynecessary, as the idea of heresy in a vicar's wife is slow to suggestitself to the ordinary bucolic mind, and I proffered no informationwhere no question was asked. 

It happened that, shortly after that (to me) memorable Christmas of1872, a sharp epidemic of typhoid fever broke out in the village ofSibsey. The drainage there was of the most primitive type, and thecontagion spread rapidly. Naturally fond of nursing, I found in thisepidemic work just fitted to my hand, and I was fortunate enough to beable to lend personal help that made me welcome in the homes of thestricken poor. The mothers who slept exhausted while I watched besidetheir darlings' bedsides will never, I like to fancy, thinkover-harshly of the heretic whose hand was as tender and often moreskilful than their own. I think Mother Nature meant me for a nurse, for I take a sheer delight in nursing any one, provided only thatthere is peril in the sickness, so that there is the strange andsolemn feeling of the struggle between the human skill one wields andthe supreme enemy, Death. There is a strange fascination in fightingDeath, step by step, and this is of course felt to the full where onefights for life as life, and not for a life one loves. When thepatient is beloved the struggle is touched with agony, but where onefights with Death over the body of a stranger there is a weirdenchantment in the contest without personal pain, and as one forcesback the hated foe there is a curious triumph in the feeling whichmarks the death-grip yielding up its prey, as one snatches back toearth the life which had well-nigh perished. 

The spring of 1873 brought me knowledge of a power that was to mouldmuch of my future life. I delivered my first lecture, but delivered itto rows of empty pews in Sibsey Church. A queer whim took me that Iwould like to know how "it felt" to preach, and vague fancies stirredin me that I could speak if I had the chance. I saw no platform in thedistance, nor had any idea of possible speaking in the future dawnedupon me. But the longing to find outlet in words came upon me, and Ifelt as though I had something to say and was able to say it. Solocked alone in the great, silent church, whither I had gone topractise some organ exercises, I ascended the pulpit steps anddelivered my first lecture on the Inspiration of the Bible. I shallnever forget the feeling of power and delight--but especially ofpower--that came upon me as I sent my voice ringing down the aisles, and the passion in me broke into balanced sentences and never pausedfor musical cadence or for rhythmical expression. All I wanted thenwas to see the church full of upturned faces, alive with throbbingsympathy, instead of the dreary emptiness of silent pews. And asthough in a dream the solitude was peopled, and I saw the listeningfaces and the eager eyes, and as the sentences flowed unbidden from mylips and my own tones echoed back to me from the pillars of theancient church, I knew of a verity that the gift of speech was mine, and that if ever--and then it seemed so impossible!--if ever thechance came to me of public work, this power of melodious utteranceshould at least win hearing for any message I had to bring. 

But the knowledge remained a secret all to my own self for many a longmonth, for I quickly felt ashamed of that foolish speechifying in anempty church; but, foolish as it was, I note it here, as it was thefirst effort of that expression in spoken words which later became tome one of the deepest delights of life. And, indeed, none can know, save they who have felt it, what joy there is in the full rush oflanguage that moves and sways; to feel a crowd respond to the lightesttouch; to see the faces brighten or darken at your bidding; to knowthat the sources of human emotion and human passion gush forth at theword of the speaker as the stream from the riven rock; to feel thatthe thought which thrills through a thousand hearers has its impulsefrom you, and throbs back to you the fuller from a thousandheart-beats. Is there any emotional joy in life more brilliant thanthis, fuller of passionate triumph, and of the very essence ofintellectual delight?

In 1873 my marriage tie was broken. I took no new step, but my absencefrom the Communion led to some gossip, and a relative of Mr. Besantpressed on him highly-coloured views of the social and professionaldangers which would accrue if my heresy became known. My health, neverreally restored since the autumn of 1871, grew worse and worse, serious heart trouble having arisen from the constant strain underwhich I lived. At last, in July or August, 1873, the crisis came. Iwas told that I must conform to the outward observances of the Church, and attend the Communion; I refused. Then came the distinctalternative; conformity or exclusion from home--in other words, hypocrisy or expulsion. I chose the latter. 

A bitterly sad time followed. My dear mother was heart-broken. To her, with her wide and vague form of Christianity, loosely held, theintensity of my feeling that where I did not believe I would notpretend belief, was incomprehensible. She recognised far more fullythan I did all that a separation from my home meant for me, and thedifficulties that would surround a young woman, not yet twenty-six, living alone. She knew how brutally the world judges, and how the merefact that a woman was young and alone justified any coarseness ofslander. Then I did not guess how cruel men and women could be, howvenomous their tongues; now, knowing it, having faced slander andlived it down, I deliberately say that were the choice again before meI would choose as I chose then; I would rather go through it all againthan live "in Society" under the burden of an acted lie. 

The hardest struggle was against my mother's tears and pleading; tocause her pain was tenfold pain to me. Against harshness I had beenrigid as steel, but it was hard to remain steadfast when my darlingmother, whom I loved as I loved nothing else on earth, threw herselfon her knees before me, imploring me to yield. It seemed like a crimeto bring such anguish on her; and I felt as a murderer as the snowyhead was pressed against my knees. And yet--to live a lie? Not evenfor her was that shame possible; in that worst crisis of blindingagony my will clung fast to Truth. And it is true now as it ever wasthat he who loves father or mother better than Truth is not worthy ofher, and the flint-strewn path of honesty is the way to Light andPeace. 

Then there were the children, the two little ones who worshipped me, who was to them mother, nurse, and playfellow. Were they, too, demanded at my hands? Not wholly--for a time. Facts which I need nottouch on here enabled my brother to obtain for me a legal separation, and when everything was arranged, I found myself guardian of my littledaughter, and possessor of a small monthly income sufficient forrespectable starvation. With a great price I had obtained my freedom, but--I was free. Home, friends, social position, were the pricedemanded and paid, and, being free, I wondered what to do with myfreedom. I could have had a home with my brother if I would give up myheretical friends and keep quiet, but I had no mind to put my limbsinto fetters again, and in my youthful inexperience I determined tofind something to do. The difficulty was the "something, " and I spentvarious shillings in agencies, with a quite wonderful unanimity offailures. I tried fancy needle-work, offered to "ladies in reducedcircumstances, " and earned 4s. 6d. By some weeks of stitching. Iexperimented with a Birmingham firm, who generously offered every onethe opportunity of adding to their incomes, and on sending the smallfee demanded, received a pencil-case, with an explanation that I wasto sell little articles of that description, going as far ascruet-stands, to my friends. I did not feel equal to springingpencil-cases and cruet-stands on my acquaintances, so did not enter onthat line of business, and similar failures in numerous efforts mademe feel, as so many others have found, that the world-oyster is hardto open. However, I was resolute to build a nest for my wee daughter, my mother, and myself, and the first thing to do was to save mymonthly pittance to buy furniture. I found a tiny house in Colby Road, Upper Norwood, near the Scotts, who were more than good to me, andarranged to take it in the spring, and then accepted a lovinginvitation to Folkestone, where my grandmother and two aunts wereliving, to look for work there. And found it. The vicar wanted agoverness, and one of my aunts suggested me as a stop-gap, and thitherI went with my little Mabel, our board and lodging being payment formy work. I became head cook, governess, and nurse, glad enough to havefound "something to do" that enabled me to save my little income. ButI do not think I will ever take to cooking for a permanence; broilingand frying are all right, and making pie-crust is rather pleasant; butsaucepans and kettles blister your hands. There is a charm in making astew, to the unaccustomed cook, from the excitement of wondering whatthe result will be, and whether any flavour save that of onions willsurvive the competition in the mixture. On the whole, my cooking(strictly by cookery book) was a success, but my sweeping was bad, forI lacked muscle. This curious episode came to an abrupt end, for oneof my little pupils fell ill with diphtheria, and I was transformedfrom cook to nurse. Mabel I despatched to her grandmother, who adoredher with a love condescendingly returned by the little fairy of three, and never was there a prettier picture than the red-gold curls nestledagainst the white, the baby-grace in exquisite contrast with the wornstateliness of her tender nurse. Scarcely was my little patient out ofdanger when the youngest boy fell ill of scarlet fever; we decided toisolate him on the top floor, and I cleared away carpets and curtains, hung sheets over the doorways and kept them wet with chloride of lime, shut myself up there with the boy, having my meals left on thelanding; and when all risk was over, proudly handed back my charge, the disease touching no one else in the house. 

And now the spring of 1874 had come, and in a few weeks my mother andI were to set up house together. How we had planned all, and hadknitted on the new life together we anticipated to the old one weremembered! How we had discussed Mabel's education, and the sharewhich should fall to each! Day-dreams; day-dreams! never to berealised. 

My mother went up to town, and in a week or two I received a telegram, saying she was dangerously ill, and as fast as express train wouldtake me I was beside her. Dying, the doctor said; three days she mightlive--no more. I told her the death-sentence, but she said resolutely, "I do not feel that I am going to die just yet, " and she was right. There was an attack of fearful prostration--the valves of the hearthad failed--a very wrestling with Death, and then the grim shadow drewbackwards. I nursed her day and night with a very desperation oftenderness, for now Fate had touched the thing dearest to me in life. A second horrible crisis came, and for the second time her tenacityand my love beat back the death-stroke. She did not wish to die, thelove of life was strong in her; I would not let her die; between us wekept the foe at bay. Then dropsy supervened, and the end loomed slowlysure. 

It was then, after eighteen months' abstention, that I took theSacrament for the last time. My mother had an intense longing tocommunicate before she died, but absolutely refused to do so unless Itook it with her. "If it be necessary to salvation, " she persisted, doggedly, "I will not take it if darling Annie is to be shut out. Iwould rather be lost with her than saved without her. " I went to aclergyman I knew well, and laid the case before him; as I expected, herefused to allow me to communicate. I tried a second, with the sameresult. At last a thought struck me. There was Dean Stanley, mymother's favourite, a man known to be of the broadest school withinthe Church of England; suppose I asked him? I did not know him, and Ifelt the request would be an impertinence; but there was just thechance that he might consent, and what would I not do to make mydarling's death-bed easier? I said nothing to any one, but set out tothe Deanery, Westminster, timidly asked for the Dean, and followed theservant upstairs with a sinking heart. I was left for a moment alonein the library, and then the Dean came in. I don't think I ever in mylife felt more intensely uncomfortable than I did in that minute'sinterval as he stood waiting for me to speak, his clear, grave, piercing eyes gazing questioningly into mine. Very falteringly--itmust have been very clumsily--I preferred my request, stating boldly, with abrupt honesty, that I was not a Christian, that my mother wasdying, that she was fretting to take the Sacrament, that she would nottake it unless I took it with her, that two clergymen had refused toallow me to take part in the service, that I had come to him indespair, feeling how great was the intrusion, but--she was dying. 

His face changed to a great softness. "You were quite right to come tome, " he answered, in that low, musical voice of his, his keen gazehaving altered into one no less direct, but marvellously gentle. "Ofcourse I will go and see your mother, and I have little doubt that, ifyou will not mind talking over your position with me, we may see ourway clear to doing as your mother wishes. "

I could barely speak my thanks, so much did the kindly sympathy moveme; the revulsion from the anxiety and fear of rebuff was strongenough to be almost pain. But Dean Stanley did more than I asked. Hesuggested that he should call that afternoon, and have a quiet chatwith my mother, and then come again on the following day to administerthe Sacrament. 

"A stranger's presence is always trying to a sick person, " he said, with rare delicacy of thought, "and, joined to the excitement of theservice, it might be too much for your dear mother. If I spend half anhour with her to-day, and administer the Sacrament to-morrow, it will, I think, be better for her. "

So Dean Stanley came that afternoon, all the way to Brompton, andremained talking with my mother for about half an hour, and then sethimself to understand my own position. He finally told me that conductwas far more important than theory, and that he regarded all as"Christians" who recognised and tried to follow the moral law ofChrist. On the question of the absolute Deity of Jesus he laid butlittle stress; Jesus was "in a special sense the Son of God, " but itwas folly to quarrel over words with only human meanings when dealingwith the mystery of the Divine existence, and, above all, it was follyto make such words into dividing walls between earnest souls. The oneimportant matter was the recognition of "duty to God and man, " and allwho were one in that recognition might rightfully join in an act ofworship, the essence of which was not acceptance of dogma, but love ofGod and self-sacrifice for man. "The Holy Communion, " he concluded, inhis soft tones, "was never meant to divide from each other hearts thatare searching after the one true God. It was meant by its founder as asymbol of unity, not of strife. "

On the following day Dean Stanley celebrated the Holy Communion by thebedside of my dear mother, and well was I repaid for the struggle ithad cost me to ask so great a kindness from a stranger, when I saw thecomfort that gentle, noble heart had given to her. He soothed away allher anxiety about my heresy with tactful wisdom, bidding her have nofear of differences of opinion where the heart was set on truth. "Remember, " she told me he said to her--"remember that our God is theGod of truth, and that therefore the honest search for truth can neverbe displeasing in His eyes. " Once again after that he came, and afterhis visit to my mother we had another long talk. I ventured to askhim, the conversation having turned that way, how, with views so broadas his, he found it possible to remain in communion with the Church ofEngland. "I think, " he answered, gently, "that I am of more service totrue religion by remaining in the Church and striving to widen itsboundaries from within, than if I left it and worked from without. "And he went on to explain how, as Dean of Westminster, he was in ararely independent position, and could make the Abbey of a widernational service than would otherwise be possible. In all he said onthis his love for and his pride in the glorious Abbey were manifest, and it was easy to see that old historical associations, love ofmusic, of painting, of stately architecture, were the bonds that heldhim bound to the "old historic Church of England. " His emotions, nothis intellect, kept him Churchman, and he shrank, with theover-sensitiveness of the cultured scholar, from the idea of allowingthe old traditions to be handled roughly by inartistic hands. Naturally of a refined and delicate nature, he had been rendered yetmore exquisitely sensitive by the training of the college and thecourt; the polished courtesy of his manners was but the naturalexpression of a noble and lofty mind--a mind whose very gentlenesssometimes veiled its strength. I have often heard Dean Stanley harshlyspoken of, I have heard his honesty roughly challenged; but never hashe been attacked in my presence that I have not uttered my protestagainst the injustice done him, and thus striven to repay some smallfraction of that great debt of gratitude which I shall ever owe hismemory. 

And now the end came swiftly. I had hurriedly furnished a couple ofrooms in the little house, now ours, that I might take my mother intothe purer air of Norwood, and permission was given to drive her downin an invalid carriage. The following evening she was suddenly takenworse; we lifted her into bed, and telegraphed for the doctor. But hecould do nothing, and she herself felt that the hand of Death hadgripped her. Selfless to the last, she thought but for my loneliness. "I am leaving you alone, " she sighed from time to time; and truly Ifelt, with an anguish I did not dare to realise, that when she died Ishould indeed be alone on earth. 

For two days longer she was with me, my beloved, and I never left herside for five minutes. On May 10th the weakness passed into gentledelirium, but even then the faithful eyes followed me about the room, until at length they closed for ever, and as the sun sank low in theheavens, the breath came slower and slower, till the silence of Deathcame down upon us and she was gone. 

Stunned and dazed with the loss, I went mechanically through the nextfew days. I would have none touch my dead save myself and herfavourite sister, who was with us at the last. Cold and dry-eyed Iremained, even when they hid her from me with the coffin-lid, even allthe dreary way to Kensal Green where her husband and her baby-son weresleeping, and when we left her alone in the chill earth, damp with therains of spring. I could not believe that our day-dream was dead andburied, and the home in ruins ere yet it was fairly built. Truly, my"house was left unto me desolate, " and the rooms, filled with sunshinebut unlighted by her presence, seemed to echo from their bare walls, "You are all alone. "

But my little daughter was there, and her sweet face and dancing feetbroke the solitude, while her imperious claims for love and tendanceforced me into attention to the daily needs of life. And life was hardin those days of spring and summer, resources small, and workdifficult to find. In truth, the two months after my mother's deathwere the dreariest my life has known, and they were months oftolerably hard struggle. The little house in Colby Road taxed myslender resources heavily, and the search for work was not yetsuccessful. I do not know how I should have managed but for the helpever at hand, of Mr. And Mrs. Thomas Scott. During this time I wrotefor Mr. Scott pamphlets on Inspiration, Atonement, Mediation andSalvation, Eternal Torture, Religious Education of Children, Natural_v_. Revealed Religion, and the few guineas thus earned were veryvaluable. Their house, too, was always open to me, and this was nosmall help, for often in those days the little money I had was enoughto buy food for two but not enough to buy it for three, and I would goout and study all day at the British Museum, so as to "have my dinnerin town, " the said dinner being conspicuous by its absence. If I wasaway for two evenings running from the hospitable house in theterrace, Mrs. Scott would come down to see what had happened, and manya time the supper there was of real physical value to me. Well might Iwrite, in 1879, when Thomas Scott lay dead: "It was Thomas Scott whosehouse was open to me when my need was sorest, and he never knew, thisgenerous, noble heart, how sometimes, when I went in, weary andoverdone, from a long day's study in the British Museum, with scarcefood to struggle through the day--he never knew how his genial, 'Well, little lady, ' in welcoming tone, cheered the then utter loneliness ofmy life. To no living man--save one--do I owe the debt of gratitudethat I owe to Thomas Scott. "

The small amount of jewellery I possessed, and all my superfluousclothes, were turned into more necessary articles, and the child, atleast, never suffered a solitary touch of want. My servant Mary was awonderful contriver, and kept house on the very slenderest funds thatcould be put into a servant's hands, and she also made the littleplace so bright and fresh-looking that it was always a pleasure to gointo it. Recalling those days of "hard living, " I can now look on themwithout regret. More, I am glad to have passed through them, for theyhave taught me how to sympathise with those who are struggling as Istruggled then, and I never can hear the words fall from pale lips, "Iam hungry, " without remembering how painful a thing hunger is, andwithout curing that pain, at least for the moment. 

The presence of the child was good for me, keeping alive my aching, lonely heart: she would play contentedly for hours while I wasworking, a word now and again being enough for happiness; when I hadto go out without her, she would run to the door with me, and the"good-bye" would come from down-curved lips; she was ever watching atthe window for my return, and the sunny face was always the first towelcome me home. Many and many a time have I been coming home, weary, hungry, and heart-sick, and the glimpse of the little face watchinghas reminded me that I must not carry in a grave face to sadden mydarling, and the effort to throw off the depression for her sake threwit off altogether, and brought back the sunshine. She was thesweetness and joy of my life, my curly-headed darling, with herred-gold hair and glorious eyes, and passionate, wilful, lovingnature. The torn, bruised tendrils of my heart gradually twined roundthis little life; she gave something to love and to tend, and thusgratified one of the strongest impulses of my nature. 

CHAPTER VI. 

CHARLES BRADLAUGH. 

During all these months the intellectual life had not stood still; Iwas slowly, cautiously feeling my way onward. And in the intellectualand social side of my life I found a delight unknown in the old daysof bondage. First, there was the joy of freedom, the joy of speakingout frankly and honestly each thought. Truly, I had a right to say:"With a great price obtained I this freedom, " and having paid theprice, I revelled in the liberty I had bought. Mr. Scott's valuablelibrary was at my service; his keen brain challenged my opinions, probed my assertions, and suggested phases of thought hithertountouched. I studied harder than ever, and the study now was uncheckedby any fear of possible consequences. I had nothing left of the oldfaith save belief in "a God, " and that began slowly to melt away. TheTheistic axiom: "If there be a God at all He must be at least as goodas His highest creature, " began with an "if, " and to that "if" Iturned my attention. "Of all impossible things, " writes Miss FrancesPower Cobbe, "the most impossible must surely be that a man shoulddream something of the good and the noble, and that it should prove atlast that his Creator was less good and less noble than he haddreamed. " But, I questioned, are we sure that there is a Creator?Granted that, if there is, He must be above His highest creature, but--is there such a being? "The ground, " says the Rev. CharlesVoysey, "on which our belief in God rests is man. Man, parent ofBibles and Churches, inspirer of all good thoughts and good deeds. Man, the masterpiece of God's thought on earth. Man, the text-book ofall spiritual knowledge. Neither miraculous nor infallible, man isnevertheless the only trustworthy record of the Divine mind in thingspertaining to God. Man's reason, conscience, and affections are theonly true revelation of his Maker. " But what if God were only man'sown image reflected in the mirror of man's mind? What if man were thecreator, not the revelation of his God?

It was inevitable that such thoughts should arise after the morepalpably indefensible doctrines of Christianity had been discarded. Once encourage the human mind to think, and bounds to the thinking cannever again be set by authority. Once challenge traditional beliefs, and the challenge will ring on every shield which is hanging in theintellectual arena. Around me was the atmosphere of conflict, and, freed from its long repression, my mind leapt up to share in thestrife with a joy in the intellectual tumult, the intellectual strain. 

I often attended South Place Chapel, where Moncure D. Conway was thenpreaching, and discussion with him did something towards widening myviews on the deeper religious problems; I re-read Dean Mansel's"Bampton Lectures, " and they did much towards turning me in thedirection of Atheism; I re-read Mill's "Examination of Sir WilliamHamilton's Philosophy, " and studied carefully Comte's "PhilosophiePositive. " Gradually I recognised the limitations of human intelligenceand its incapacity for understanding the nature of God, presented asinfinite and absolute; I had given up the use of prayer as ablasphemous absurdity, since an all-wise God could not need mysuggestions, nor an all-good God require my promptings. But God fadesout of the daily life of those who never pray; a personal God who isnot a Providence is a superfluity; when from the heaven does not smilea listening Father, it soon becomes an empty space, whence resounds noecho of man's cry. I could then reach no loftier conception of theDivine than that offered by the orthodox, and that broke hopelesslyaway as I analysed it. 

At last I said to Mr. Scott, "Mr. Scott, may I write a tract on thenature and existence of God?"

He glanced at me keenly. "Ah, little lady, you are facing, then, thatproblem at last? I thought it must come. Write away. "

While this pamphlet was in MS. An event occurred which coloured all mysucceeding life. I met Charles Bradlaugh. One day in the late spring, talking with Mrs. Conway--one of the sweetest and steadiest natureswhom it has been my lot to meet, and to whom, as to her husband, I owemuch for kindness generously shown when I was poor and had but fewfriends--she asked me if I had been to the Hall of Science, OldStreet. I answered, with the stupid, ignorant reflection of otherpeople's prejudices so sadly common, "No, I have never been there. Mr. Bradlaugh is rather a rough sort of speaker, is he not?"

"He is the finest speaker of Saxon-English that I have ever heard, "she answered, "except, perhaps, John Bright, and his power over acrowd is something marvellous. Whether you agree with him or not, youshould hear him. "

In the following July I went into the shop of Mr. Edward Truelove, 256, High Holborn, in search of some Comtist publications, having comeacross his name as a publisher in the course of my study at theBritish Museum. On the counter was a copy of the _National Reformer_, and, attracted by the title, I bought it. I read it placidly in theomnibus on my way to Victoria Station, and found it excellent, and wassent into convulsions of inward merriment when, glancing up, I saw anold gentleman gazing at me, with horror speaking from every line ofhis countenance. To see a young woman, respectably dressed in crape, reading an Atheistic journal, had evidently upset his peace of mind, and he looked so hard at the paper that I was tempted to offer it tohim, but repressed the mischievous inclination. 

This first copy of the paper with which I was to be so closelyconnected bore date July 19, 1874, and contained two long letters froma Mr. Arnold of Northampton, attacking Mr. Bradlaugh, and a brief andsingularly self-restrained answer from the latter. There was also anarticle on the National Secular Society, which made me aware thatthere was an organisation devoted to the propagandism of Free Thought. I felt that if such a society existed, I ought to belong to it, and Iconsequently wrote a short note to the editor of the _NationalReformer_, asking whether it was necessary for a person to professAtheism before being admitted to the Society. The answer appeared inthe _National Reformer_:--

"S. E. --To be a member of the National Secular Society it is onlynecessary to be able honestly to accept the four principles, as givenin the _National Reformer_ of June 14th. This any person may dowithout being required to avow himself an Atheist. Candidly, we cansee no logical resting-place between the entire acceptance ofauthority, as in the Roman Catholic Church, and the most extremeRationalism. If, on again looking to the Principles of the Society, you can accept them, we repeat to you our invitation. "

I sent my name in as an active member, and find it is recorded in the_National Reformer_ of August 9th. Having received an intimation thatLondoners could receive their certificates at the Hall of Science fromMr. Bradlaugh on any Sunday evening, I betook myself thither, and itwas on August 2, 1874, that I first set foot in a Freethought hall. The Hall was crowded to suffocation, and, at the very moment announcedfor the lecture, a roar of cheering burst forth, a tall figure passedswiftly up the Hall to the platform, and, with a slight bow in answerto the voluminous greeting, Charles Bradlaugh took his seat. I lookedat him with interest, impressed and surprised. The grave, quiet, stern, strong face, the massive head, the keen eyes, the magnificentbreadth and height of forehead--was this the man I had heard describedas a blatant agitator, an ignorant demagogue?

He began quietly and simply, tracing out the resemblances between theKrishna and the Christ myths, and as he went from point to point hisvoice grew in force and resonance, till it rang round the hall like atrumpet. Familiar with the subject, I could test the value of histreatment of it, and saw that his knowledge was as sound as hislanguage was splendid. Eloquence, fire, sarcasm, pathos, passion, allin turn were bent against Christian superstition, till the greataudience, carried away by the torrent of the orator's force, hungsilent, breathing soft, as he went on, till the silence that followeda magnificent peroration broke the spell, and a hurricane of cheersrelieved the tension. 

He came down the Hall with some certificates in his hand, glancedround, and handed me mine with a questioning "Mrs. Besant?" Then hesaid, referring to my question as to a profession of Atheism, that hewould willingly talk over the subject of Atheism with me if I wouldmake an appointment, and offered me a book he had been using in hislecture. Long afterwards I asked him how he knew me, whom he had neverseen, that he came straight to me in such fashion. He laughed and saidhe did not know, but, glancing over the faces, he felt sure that I wasAnnie Besant. 

From that first meeting in the Hall of Science dated a friendship thatlasted unbroken till Death severed the earthly bond, and that to mestretches through Death's gateway and links us together still. Asfriends, not as strangers, we met--swift recognition, as it were, leaping from eye to eye; and I know now that the instinctivefriendliness was in very truth an outgrowth of strong friendship inother lives, and that on that August day we took up again an ancienttie, we did not begin a new one. And so in lives to come we shall meetagain, and help each other as we helped each other in this. And let mehere place on record, as I have done before, some word of what I owehim for his true friendship; though, indeed, how great is my debt tohim I can never tell. Some of his wise phrases have ever remained inmy memory. "You should never say you have an opinion on a subjectuntil you have tried to study the strongest things said against theview to which you are inclined. " "You must not think you know asubject until you are acquainted with all that the best minds havesaid about it. " "No steady work can be done in public unless theworker study at home far more than he talks outside. " "Be your ownharshest judge, listen to your own speech and criticise it; read abuseof yourself and see what grains of truth are in it. " "Do not wastetime by reading opinions that are mere echoes of your own; readopinions you disagree with, and you will catch aspects of truth you donot readily see. " Through our long comradeship he was my sternest aswell as gentlest critic, pointing out to me that in a party like ours, where our own education and knowledge were above those whom we led, itwas very easy to gain indiscriminate praise and unstinted admiration;on the other hand, we received from Christians equally indiscriminateabuse and hatred. It was, therefore, needful that we should be our ownharshest judges, and that we should be sure that we knew thoroughlyevery subject that we taught. He saved me from the superficiality thatmy "fatal facility" of speech might so easily have induced; and when Ibegan to taste the intoxication of easily won applause, his criticismof weak points, his challenge of weak arguments, his trained judgment, were of priceless service to me, and what of value there is in my workis very largely due to his influence, which at once stimulated andrestrained. 

One very charming characteristic of his was his extreme courtesy inprivate life, especially to women. This outward polish, which sat sogracefully on his massive frame and stately presence, was foreignrather than English--for the English, as a rule, save such as go toCourt, are a singularly unpolished people--and it gave his manner apeculiar charm. I asked him once where he had learned his graciousfashions that were so un-English--he would stand with uplifted hat ashe asked a question of a maidservant, or handed a woman into acarriage--and he answered, with a half-smile, half-scoff, that it wasonly in England he was an outcast from society. In France, in Spain, in Italy, he was always welcomed among men and women of the highestsocial rank, and he supposed that he had unconsciously caught theforeign tricks of manner. Moreover, he was absolutely indifferent toall questions of social position; peer or artisan, it was to himexactly the same; he never seemed conscious of the distinctions ofwhich men make so much. 

Our first conversation, after the meeting at the Hall of Science, tookplace a day or two later in his little study in 29, Turner Street, Commercial Road, a wee room overflowing with books, in which he lookedsingularly out of place. Later I learned that he had failed inbusiness in consequence of Christian persecution, and, resolute toavoid bankruptcy, he had sold everything he possessed, save his books, had sent his wife and daughters to live in the country with hisfather-in-law, had taken two tiny rooms in Turner Street, where hecould live for a mere trifle, and had bent himself to the task ofpaying off the liabilities he had incurred--incurred in consequence ofhis battling for political and religious liberty. I took with me myMS. Essay "On the Nature and Existence of God, " and it served as thebasis for our conversation; we found there was little difference inour views. "You have thought yourself into Atheism without knowingit, " he said, and all that I changed in the essay was the correctionof the vulgar error that the Atheist says "there is no God, " by theinsertion of a passage disclaiming this position from an essay pointedout to me by Mr. Bradlaugh. And at this stage of my life-story, it isnecessary to put very clearly the position I took up and held so manyyears as Atheist, because otherwise the further evolution intoTheosophist will be wholly incomprehensible. It will lead me intometaphysics, and to some readers these are dry, but if any one wouldunderstand the evolution of a Soul he must be willing to face thequestions which the Soul faces in its growth. And the position of thephilosophic Atheist is so misunderstood that it is the more necessaryto put it plainly, and Theosophists, at least, in reading it, will seehow Theosophy stepped in finally as a further evolution towardsknowledge, rendering rational, and therefore acceptable, the loftiestspirituality that the human mind can as yet conceive. 

In order that I may not colour my past thinkings by my presentthought, I take my statements from pamphlets written when I adoptedthe Atheistic philosophy and while I continued an adherent thereof. Nocharge can then be made that I have softened my old opinions for thesake of reconciling them with those now held. 

CHAPTER VII. 

ATHEISM AS I KNEW AND TAUGHT IT. 

The first step which leaves behind the idea of a limited and personalGod, an extra-cosmic Creator, and leads the student to the pointwhence Atheism and Pantheism diverge, is the recognition that aprofound unity of substance underlies the infinite diversities ofnatural phenomena, the discernment of the One beneath the Many. Thiswas the step I had taken ere my first meeting with Charles Bradlaugh, and I had written:--

"It is manifest to all who will take the trouble to think steadily, that there can be only one eternal and underived substance, and thatmatter and spirit must, therefore, only be varying manifestations ofthis one substance. The distinction made between matter and spirit is, then, simply made for the sake of convenience and clearness, just aswe may distinguish perception from judgment, both of which, however, are alike processes of thought. Matter is, in its constituent elements, the same as spirit; existence is _one_, however manifold in itsphenomena; life is one, however multiform in its evolution. As theheat of the coal differs from the coal itself, so do memory, perception, judgment, emotion, and will differ from the brain which isthe instrument of thought. But nevertheless they are all equallyproducts of the one sole substance, varying only in theirconditions. .. . I find myself, then, compelled to believe that one onlysubstance exists in all around me; that the universe is eternal, or atleast eternal so far as our faculties are concerned, since we cannot, as some one has quaintly put it, 'get to the outside of everywhere';that a Deity cannot be conceived of as apart from the universe; thatthe Worker and the Work are inextricably interwoven, and in some senseeternally and indissolubly combined. Having got so far, we willproceed to examine into the possibility of proving the existence ofthat one essence popularly called by the name of _God_, under theconditions strictly defined by the orthodox. Having demonstrated, as Ihope to do, that the orthodox idea of God is unreasonable and absurd, we will endeavour to ascertain whether _any_ idea of God, worthy to becalled an idea, is attainable in the present state of our faculties. ""The Deity must of necessity be that one and only substance out ofwhich all things are evolved, under the uncreated conditions andeternal laws of the universe; He must be, as Theodore Parker somewhatoddly puts it, 'the materiality of matter as well as the spiritualityof spirit'--_i. E. _, these must both be products of this one substance;a truth which is readily accepted as soon as spirit and matter areseen to be but different modes of one essence. Thus we identifysubstance with the all-comprehending and vivifying force of nature, and in so doing we simply reduce to a physical impossibility theexistence of the Being described by the orthodox as a God possessingthe attributes of personality. The Deity becomes identified withnature, co-extensive with the universe, but the _God_ of the orthodoxno longer exists; we may change the signification of God, and use theword to express a different idea, but we can no longer mean by it aPersonal Being in the orthodox sense, possessing an individualitywhich divides Him from the rest of the universe. "[3]

Proceeding to search whether _any_ idea of God was attainable, I cameto the conclusion that evidence of the existence of a conscious Powerwas lacking, and that the ordinary proofs offered were inconclusive;that we could grasp phenomena and no more. "There appears, also, tobe a possibility of a mind in nature, though we have seen thatintelligence is, strictly speaking, impossible. There cannot beperception, memory, comparison, or judgment, but may there not be aperfect mind, unchanging, calm, and still? Our faculties fail us whenwe try to estimate the Deity, and we are betrayed into contradictionsand absurdities; but does it therefore follow that He _is_ not? Itseems to me that to deny His existence is to overstep the boundariesof our thought-power almost as much as to try and define it. Wepretend to know the Unknown if we declare Him to be the Unknowable. Unknowable to us at present, yes! Unknowable for ever, in otherpossible stages of existence? We have reached a region into which wecannot penetrate; here all human faculties fail us; we bow our headson 'the threshold of the unknown. '

 "'And the ear of man cannot hear, and the eye of man cannot see, But if we could see and hear, this vision--were it not He?'

Thus sings Alfred Tennyson, the poet of metaphysics: '_if_ we couldsee and hear. ' Alas! it is always an 'if!'[4]

This refusal to believe without evidence, and the declaration thatanything "behind phenomena" is unknowable to man as at presentconstituted--these are the two chief planks of the Atheistic platform, as Atheism was held by Charles Bradlaugh and myself. In 1876 thisposition was clearly reaffirmed. "It is necessary to put briefly theAtheistic position, for no position is more continuously and morepersistently misrepresented. Atheism is _without_ God. It does notassert _no_ God. 'The Atheist does not say "There is no God, " but hesays, "I know not what you mean by God; I am without idea of God; theword God is to me a sound conveying no clear or distinct affirmation. I do not deny God, because I cannot deny that of which I have noconception, and the conception of which, by its affirmer, is soimperfect that he is unable to define it to me. "' (Charles Bradlaugh, "Freethinker's Text-book, " p. 118. ) The Atheist neither affirms nordenies the possibility of phenomena differing from those recognised byhuman experience. .. . As his knowledge of the universe is extremelylimited and very imperfect, the Atheist declines either to deny or toaffirm anything with regard to modes of existence of which he knowsnothing. Further, he refuses to believe anything concerning that ofwhich he knows nothing, and affirms that that which can never be thesubject of knowledge ought never to be the object of belief. While theAtheist, then, neither affirms nor denies the unknown, he _does_ denyall which conflicts with the knowledge to which he has alreadyattained. For example, he _knows_ that one is one, and that threetimes one are three; he _denies_ that three times one are, or can be, one. The position of the Atheist is a clear and a reasonable one: Iknow nothing about 'God, ' and therefore I do not believe in Him or init; what you tell me about your God is self-contradictory, and istherefore incredible. I do not deny 'God, ' which is an unknown tongueto me; I do deny your God, who is an impossibility. I am withoutGod. "[5] Up to 1887 I find myself writing on the same lines: "No mancan rationally affirm 'There is no God, ' until the word 'God' has forhim a definite meaning, and until everything that exists is known tohim, and known with what Leibnitz calls 'perfect knowledge. ' TheAtheist's denial of the Gods begins only when these Gods are definedor described. Never yet has a God been defined in terms which were notpalpably self-contradictory and absurd; never yet has a God beendescribed so that a concept of Him was made possible to humanthought--Nor is anything gained by the assertors of Deity when theyallege that He is incomprehensible. If 'God' exists and isincomprehensible, His incomprehensibility is an admirable reason forbeing silent about Him, but can never justify the affirmation ofself-contradictory propositions, and the threatening of people withdamnation if they do not accept them. "[6] "The belief of the Atheiststops where his evidence stops. He believes in the existence of theuniverse, judging the accessible proof thereof to be adequate, and hefinds in this universe sufficient cause for the happening of allphenomena. He finds no intellectual satisfaction in placing a giganticconundrum behind the universe, which only adds its ownunintelligibility to the already sufficiently difficult problem ofexistence. Our lungs are not fitted to breathe beyond the atmospherewhich surrounds our globe, and our faculties cannot breathe outsidethe atmosphere of the phenomenal. "[7] And I summed up this essay withthe words: "I do not believe in God. My mind finds no grounds on whichto build up a reasonable faith. My heart revolts against the spectreof an Almighty Indifference to the pain of sentient beings. Myconscience rebels against the injustice, the cruelty, the inequality, which surround me on every side. But I believe in Man. In man'sredeeming power; in man's remoulding energy; in man's approachingtriumph, through knowledge, love, and work. "[8]

These views of existence naturally colour all views of life and of theexistence of the Soul. And here steps in the profound differencebetween Atheism and Pantheism; both posit an Existence at presentinscrutable by human faculties, of which all phenomena are modes; butto the Atheist that Existence manifests as Force-Matter, unconscious, unintelligent, while to the Pantheist it manifests as Life-Matter, conscious, intelligent. To the one, life and consciousness areattributes, properties, dependent upon arrangements of matter; to theother they are fundamental, essential, and only limited in theirmanifestation by arrangements of matter. Despite the attraction heldfor me in Spinoza's luminous arguments, the over-mastering sway whichScience was beginning to exercise over me drove me to seek for theexplanation of all problems of life and mind at the hands of thebiologist and the chemist. They had done so much, explained so much, could they not explain all? Surely, I thought, the one safe ground isthat of experiment, and the remembered agony of doubt made me veryslow to believe where I could not prove. So I was fain to regard lifeas an attribute, and this again strengthened the Atheistic position. "Scientifically regarded, life is not an entity but a property; it isnot a mode of existence, but a characteristic of certain modes. Lifeis the result of an arrangement of matter, and when rearrangementoccurs the former result can no longer be present; we call the resultof the changed arrangement death. Life and death are two convenientwords for expressing the general outcome of two arrangements ofmatter, one of which is always found to precede the other. "[9] Andthen, having resorted to chemistry for one illustration, I tookanother from one of those striking and easily grasped analogies, facility for seeing and presenting which has ever been one of thesecrets of my success as a propagandist. Like pictures, they impressthe mind of the hearer with a vivid sense of reality. "Every one knowsthe exquisite iridiscence of mother-of-pearl, the tender, delicatehues which melt into each other, glowing with soft radiance. Howdifferent is the dull, dead surface of a piece of wax. Yet take thatdull, black wax and mould it so closely to the surface of themother-of-pearl that it shall take every delicate marking of theshell, and when you raise it the seven-hued glory shall smile at youfrom the erstwhile colourless surface. For, though it be to the nakedeye imperceptible, all the surface of the mother-of-pearl is indelicate ridges and furrows, like the surface of a newly-ploughedfield; and when the waves of light come dashing up against the ridgedsurface, they are broken like the waves on a shingly shore, and areflung backwards, so that they cross each other and the oncoming waves;and, as every ray of white light is made up of waves of seven colours, and these waves differ in length each from the others, the fairyridges fling them backward separately, and each ray reaches the eye byitself; so that the colour of the mother-of-pearl is really the sprayof the light waves, and comes from arrangement of matter once again. Give the dull, black wax the same ridges and furrows, and its gloryshall differ in nothing from that of the shell. To apply ourillustration: as the colour belongs to one arrangement of matter andthe dead surface to another, so life belongs to some arrangements ofmatter and is their resultant, while the resultant of otherarrangements is death. "[10]

The same line of reasoning naturally was applied to the existence of"spirit" in man, and it was argued that mental activity, the domain ofthe "spirit, " was dependent on bodily organisation. "When the babe isborn it shows no sign of mind. For a brief space hunger and repletion, cold and warmth are its only sensations. Slowly the specialised sensesbegin to function; still more slowly muscular movements, at firstaimless and reflex, become co-ordinated and consciously directed. There is no sign here of an intelligent spirit controlling amechanism; there is every sign of a learning and developingintelligence, developing _pari passu_ with the organism of which it isa function. As the body grows, the mind grows with it, and thechildish mind of the child develops into the hasty, quickly-judging, half-informed, unbalanced youthful mind of the youth; with maturity ofyears comes maturity of mind, and body and mind are vigorous and intheir prime. As old age comes on and the bodily functions decay, themind decays also, until age passes into senility, and body and mindsink into second childhood. Has the immortal spirit decayed with theorganisation, or is it dwelling in sorrow, bound in its 'house ofclay'? If this be so, the 'spirit' must be unconscious, or elseseparate from the very individual whose essence it is supposed to be, for the old man does not suffer when his mind is senile, but iscontented as a little child. And not only is this constant, simultaneous growth and decay of body and mind to be observed, but weknow that mental functions are disordered and suspended by variousphysical conditions. Alcohol, many drugs, fever, disorder the mind; ablow on the cranium suspends its functions, and the 'spirit' returnswith the surgeon's trepanning. Does the 'spirit' take part in dreams?Is it absent from the idiot, from the lunatic? Is it guilty ofmanslaughter when the madman murders, or does it helplessly watch itsown instrument performing actions at which it shudders? If it can onlywork here through an organism, is its nature changed in itsindependent life, severed from all with which it was identified? Canit, in its 'disembodied state, ' have anything in common with itspast?"[11]

It will be seen that my unbelief in the existence of the Soul orSpirit was a matter of cold, calm reasoning. As I wrote in 1885: "Formany of us evidence must precede belief. I would gladly believe in ahappy immortality for all, as I would gladly believe that all miseryand crime and poverty will disappear in 1885--_if I could_. But I amunable to believe an improbable proposition unless convincing evidenceis brought in support of it. Immortality is most improbable; noevidence is brought forward in its favour. I cannot believe onlybecause I wish. "[12] Such was the philosophy by which I lived from1874 to 1886, when first some researches that will be dealt with intheir proper place, and which led me ultimately to the evidence I hadbefore vainly demanded, began to shake my confidence in its adequacy. Amid outer storm and turmoil and conflict, I found it satisfy myintellect, while lofty ideals of morality fed my emotions. I calledmyself Atheist, and rightly so, for I was without God, and my horizonwas bounded by life on earth; I gloried in the name then, as it isdear to my heart now, for all the associations with which it isconnected. "Atheist is one of the grandest titles a man can wear; itis the Order of Merit of the world's heroes. Most great discoverers, most deep-thinking philosophers, most earnest reformers, most toilingpioneers of progress, have in their turn had flung at them the name ofAtheist. It was howled over the grave of Copernicus; it was clamouredround the death-pile of Bruno; it was yelled at Vanini, at Spinoza, atPriestley, at Voltaire, at Paine; it has become the laurel-bay of thehero, the halo of the martyr; in the world's history it has meant thepioneer of progress, and where the cry of 'Atheist' is raised theremay we be sure that another step is being taken towards the redemptionof humanity. The saviours of the world are too often howled at asAtheists, and then worshipped as Deities. The Atheists are thevanguard of the army of Freethought, on whom falls the brunt of thebattle, and are shivered the hardest of the blows; their feet trampledown the thorns that others may tread unwounded; their bodies fill upthe ditch that, by the bridge thus made, others may pass to victory. Honour to the pioneers of progress, honour to the vanguard ofLiberty's army, honour to those who to improve earth have forgottenheaven, and who in their zeal for man have forgotten God. "[13]

This poor sketch of the conception of the universe, to which I hadconquered my way at the cost of so much pain, and which was the innercentre round which my life revolved for twelve years, may perhaps showthat the Atheistic Philosophy is misjudged sorely when it is scoutedas vile or condemned as intellectually degraded. It has outgrownanthropomorphic deities, and it leaves us face to face with Nature, open to all her purifying, strengthening inspirations. "There is onlyone kind of prayer, " it says, "which is reasonable, and that is thedeep, silent adoration of the greatness and beauty and order aroundus, as revealed in the realms of non-rational life and in Humanity; aswe bow our heads before the laws of the universe, and mould our livesinto obedience to their voice, we find a strong, calm peace steal overour hearts, a perfect trust in the ultimate triumph of the right, aquiet determination to 'make our lives sublime. ' Before our own highideals, before those lives which show us 'how high the tides of Divinelife have risen in the human world, ' we stand with hushed voice andveiled face; from them we draw strength to emulate, and even darestruggle to excel. The contemplation of the ideal is true prayer; itinspires, it strengthens, it ennobles. The other part of prayer iswork; from contemplation to labour, from the forest to the street. Study nature's laws, conform to them, work in harmony with them, andwork becomes a prayer and a thanksgiving, an adoration of theuniversal wisdom, and a true obedience to the universal law. "[14]

To a woman of my temperament, filled with passionate desire for thebettering of the world, the elevation of humanity, a lofty system ofethics was of even more importance than a logical, intellectualconception of the universe; and the total loss of all faith in arighteous God only made me more strenuously assertive of the bindingnature of duty and the overwhelming importance of conduct. In 1874this conviction found voice in a pamphlet on the "True Basis ofMorality, " and in all the years of my propaganda on the platform ofthe National Secular Society no subject was more frequently dealt within my lectures than that of human ethical growth and the duty of manto man. No thought was more constantly in my mind than that of theimportance of morals, and it was voiced at the very outset of mypublic career. Speaking of the danger lest "in these stirring times ofinquiry, " old sanctions of right conduct should be cast aside ere newones were firmly established, I wrote: "It therefore becomes the dutyof every one who fights in the ranks of Freethought, and who venturesto attack the dogmas of the Churches, and to strike down thesuperstitions which enslave men's intellect, to beware how he uprootssanctions of morality which he is too weak to replace, or how, beforehe is prepared with better ones, he removes the barriers which do yet, however poorly, to some extent check vice and repress crime. .. . Thatwhich touches morality touches the heart of society; a high and puremorality is the life-blood of humanity; mistakes in belief areinevitable, and are of little moment; mistakes in life destroyhappiness, and their destructive consequences spread far and wide. Itis, then, a very important question whether we, who are endeavouringto take away from the world the authority on which has hitherto beenbased all its morality, can offer a new and firm ground whereupon maysafely be built up the fair edifice of a noble life. "

I then proceeded to analyse revelation and intuition as a basis formorals, and, discarding both, I asserted: "The true basis of moralityis utility; that is, the adaptation of our actions to the promotion ofthe general welfare and happiness; the endeavour so to rule our livesthat we may serve and bless mankind. " And I argued for this basis, showing that the effort after virtue was implied in the search forhappiness: "Virtue is an indispensable part of all true and solidhappiness. .. . But it is, after all, only reasonable that happinessshould be the ultimate test of right and wrong, if we live, as we do, in a realm of law. Obedience to law must necessarily result inharmony, and disobedience in discord. But if obedience to law resultin harmony it must also result in happiness--all through natureobedience to law results in happiness, and through obedience eachliving thing fulfils the perfection of its being, and in thatperfection finds its true happiness. " It seemed to me most importantto remove morality from the controversies about religion, and to giveit a basis of its own: "As, then, the grave subject of the existenceof Deity is a matter of dispute, it is evidently of deep importance tosociety that morality should not be dragged into this battlefield, tostand or totter with the various theories of the Divine nature whichhuman thought creates and destroys. If we can found morality on abasis apart from theology, we shall do humanity a service which canscarcely be overestimated. " A study of the facts of nature, of theconsequences of man in society, seemed sufficient for such a basis. "Our faculties do not suffice to tell us about God; they do suffice tostudy phenomena, and to deduce laws from correlated facts. Surely, then, we should do wisely to concentrate our strength and our energieson the discovery of the attainable, instead of on the search after theunknowable. If we are told that morality consists in obedience to thesupposed will of a supposed perfectly moral being, because in so doingwe please God, then we are at once placed in a region where ourfaculties are useless to us, and where our judgment is at fault. Butif we are told that we are to lead noble lives, because nobility oflife is desirable for itself alone, because in so doing we are actingin harmony with the laws of Nature, because in so doing we spreadhappiness around our pathway and gladden our fellow-men--then, indeed, motives are appealed to which spring forward to meet the call, andchords are struck in our hearts which respond in music to the touch. "It was to the establishment of this secure basis that I bent myenergies, this that was to me of supreme moment. "Amid the fervidmovement of society, with its wild theories and crude social reforms, with its righteous fury against oppression and its unconsiderednotions of wider freedom and gladder life, it is of vital importancethat morality should stand on a foundation unshakable; that so throughall political and religious revolutions human life may grow purer andnobler, may rise upwards into settled freedom, and not sink downwardsinto anarchy. Only utility can afford us a sure basis, thereasonableness of which will be accepted alike by thoughtful studentand hard-headed artisan. Utility appeals to all alike, and sets inaction motives which are found equally in every human heart. Wellshall it be for humanity that creeds and dogmas pass away, thatsuperstition vanishes, and the clear light of freedom and sciencedawns on a regenerated earth--but well only if men draw tighter andcloser the links of trustworthiness, of honour, and of truth. Equalitybefore the law is necessary and just; liberty is the birthright ofevery man and woman; free individual development will elevate andglorify the race. But little worth these priceless jewels, littleworth liberty and equality with all their promise for mankind, littleworth even wider happiness, if that happiness be selfish, if truefraternity, true brotherhood, do not knit man to man, and heart toheart, in loyal service to the common need, and generousself-sacrifice to the common good. "[15]

To the forwarding of this moral growth of man, two things seemed to menecessary--an Ideal which should stir the emotions and impel toaction, and a clear understanding of the sources of evil and of themethods by which they might be drained. Into the drawing of the firstI threw all the passion of my nature, striving to paint the Ideal incolours which should enthral and fascinate, so that love and desire torealise might stir man to effort. If "morality touched by emotion" bereligion, then truly was I the most religious of Atheists, finding inthis dwelling on and glorifying of the Ideal full satisfaction for theloftiest emotions. To meet the fascination exercised over men's heartsby the Man of Sorrows, I raised the image of man triumphant, manperfected. "Rightly is the ideal Christian type of humanity a Man ofSorrows. Jesus, with worn and wasted body; with sad, thin lips, curvedinto a mournful droop of penitence for human sin; with weary eyesgazing up to heaven because despairing of earth; bowed down and agedwith grief and pain, broken-hearted with long anguish, broken-spiritedwith unresisted ill-usage--such is the ideal man of the Christiancreed. Beautiful with a certain pathetic beauty, telling of the longtravail of earth, eloquent of the sufferings of humanity, but not themodel type to which men should conform their lives, if they would makehumanity glorious. And, therefore, in radiant contrast with this, stands out in the sunshine and under the blue summer sky, far fromgraveyards and torture of death agony, the fair ideal Humanity of theAtheist. In form strong and fair, perfect in physical development asthe Hercules of Grecian art, radiant with love, glorious inself-reliant power; with lips bent firm to resist oppression, andmelting into soft curves of passion and of pity; with deep, far-seeingeyes, gazing piercingly into the secrets of the unknown, and restinglovingly on the beauties around him; with hands strong to work in thepresent; with heart full of hope which the future shall realise;making earth glad with his labour and beautiful with his skill--this, this is the Ideal Man, enshrined in the Atheist's heart. The idealhumanity of the Christian is the humanity of the slave, poor, meek, broken-spirited, humble, submissive to authority, however oppressiveand unjust; the ideal humanity of the Atheist is the humanity of thefree man who knows no lord, who brooks no tyranny, who relies on hisown strength, who makes his brother's quarrel his, proud, true-hearted, loyal, brave. "[16]

A one-sided view? Yes. But a very natural outcome of a sunny nature, for years held down by unhappiness and the harshness of an outgrowncreed. It was the rebound of such a nature suddenly set free, rejoicing in its liberty and self-conscious strength, and it carriedwith it a great power of rousing the sympathetic enthusiasm of men andwomen, deeply conscious of their own restrictions and their ownlongings. It was the cry of the freed soul that had found articulateexpression, and the many inarticulate and prisoned souls answered toit tumultously, with fluttering of caged wings. With hot insistence Ibattled for the inspiration to be drawn from the beauty and grandeurof which human life was capable. "Will any one exclaim, 'You aretaking all beauty out of human life, all hope, all warmth, allinspiration; you give us cold duty for filial obedience, andinexorable law in the place of God'? All beauty from life? Is there, then, no beauty in the idea of forming part of the great life of theuniverse, no beauty in conscious harmony with Nature, no beauty infaithful service, no beauty in ideals of every virtue? 'All hope'?Why, I give you more than hope, I give you certainty; if I bid youlabour for this world, it is with the knowledge that this world willrepay you a, thousand-fold, because society will grow purer, freedommore settled, law more honoured, life more full and glad. What is yourheaven? A heaven in the clouds! I point to a heaven attainable onearth. 'All warmth'? What! you serve warmly a God unknown andinvisible, in a sense the projected shadow of your own imaginings, andcan only serve coldly your brother whom you see at your side? There isno warmth in brightening the lot of the sad, in reforming abuses, inestablishing equal justice for rich and poor? You find warmth in thechurch, but none in the home? Warmth in imagining the cloud glories ofheaven, but none in creating substantial glories on earth?' Allinspiration'? If you want inspiration to feeling, to sentiment, perhaps you had better keep to your Bible and your creeds; if you wantinspiration to work, go and walk through the East of London, or theback streets of Manchester. You are inspired to tenderness as you gazeat the wounds of Jesus, dead in Judaea long ago, and find noinspiration in the wounds of men and women, dying in the England ofto-day? You 'have tears to shed for Him, ' but none for the sufferer atyour doors? His passion arouses your sympathies, but you see no pathosin the passion of the poor? Duty is colder than 'filial obedience'?What do you mean by filial obedience? Obedience to your ideal ofgoodness and love--is it not so? Then how is duty cold? I offer youideals for your homage: here is Truth for your Mistress, to whoseexaltation you shall devote your intellect; here is Freedom for yourGeneral, for whose triumph you shall fight; here is Love for yourInspirer, who shall influence your every thought; here is Man for yourMaster--not in heaven, but on earth--to whose service you shallconsecrate every faculty of your being. 'Inexorable law in the placeof God'? Yes; a stern certainty that you shall not waste your life, yet gather a rich reward at the close; that you shall not sow misery, yet reap gladness; that you shall not be selfish, yet be crowned withlove; nor shall you sin, yet find safety in repentance. True, ourcreed _is_ a stern one, stern with the beautiful sternness of Nature. But if we be in the right, look to yourselves; laws do not check theiraction for your ignorance; fire will not cease to scorch, because you'did not know. '"[17]

With equal vigour did I maintain that "virtue was its own reward, " andthat payment on the other side of the grave was unnecessary as anincentive to right living. "What shall we say to Miss Cobbe'scontention that duty will 'grow grey and cold' without God andimmortality? Yes, for those with whom duty is a matter of selfishcalculation, and who are virtuous only because they look for a 'goldencrown' in payment on the other side the grave. Those of us who findjoy in right-doing, who work because work is useful to our fellows, who live well because in such living we pay our contribution to theworld's wealth, leaving earth richer than we found it--we need nopaltry payment after death for our life's labour, for in that labouris its own 'exceeding great reward. '"[18] But did any one yearn forimmortality, that "not all of me shall die"? "Is it true that Atheismhas no immortality? What is true immortality? Is Beethoven's trueimmortality in his continued personal consciousness, or in hisglorious music deathless while the world endures? Is Shelley's truelife in his existence in some far-off heaven, or in the pulsingliberty his lyrics send through men's hearts, when they respond to thestrains of his lyre? Music does not die, though one instrument bebroken; thought does not die, though one brain be shivered; love doesnot die, though one heart's strings be rent; and no great thinker diesso long as his thought re-echoes through the ages, its melody thefuller-toned the more human brains send its music on. Not only to thehero and the sage is this immortality given; it belongs to eachaccording to the measure of his deeds; world-wide life for world-wideservice; straitened life for straitened work; each reaps as he sows, and the harvest is gathered by each in his rightful order. "[19]

This longing to leave behind a name that will live among men by rightof service done them, this yearning for human love and approval thatsprings naturally from the practical and intense realisation of humanbrotherhood--these will be found as strong motives in the breasts ofthe most earnest men and women who have in our generation identifiedthemselves with the Freethought cause. They shine through the writtenand spoken words of Charles Bradlaugh all through his life, and everyfriend of his knows how often he has expressed the longing that "whenthe grass grows green over my grave, men may love me a little for thework I tried to do. "

Needless to say that, in the many controversies in which I took part, it was often urged against me that such motives were insufficient, that they appealed only to natures already ethically developed, andleft the average man, and, above all, the man below the average, withno sufficiently constraining motive for right conduct. I resolutelyheld to my faith in human nature, and the inherent response of thehuman heart when appealed to from the highest grounds; strange--Ioften think now--this instinctive certainty I had of man's innategrandeur, that governed all my thought, inconsistent as that certaintywas with my belief in his purely animal ancestry. Pressed too hard, Iwould take refuge in a passionate disdain for all who did not hear thethrilling voice of Virtue and love her for her own sweet sake. "I havemyself heard the question asked: 'Why should I seek for truth, and whyshould I lead a good life, if there be no immortality in which to reapa reward?' To this question the Freethinker has one clear and shortanswer: 'There is no reason why you should seek Truth, if to you thesearch has no attracting power. There is no reason why you should leada noble life, if you find your happiness in leading a poor and a baseone. ' Friends, no one can enjoy a happiness which is too high for hiscapabilities; a book may be of intensest interest, but a dog will verymuch prefer being given a bone. To him whose highest interest iscentred in his own miserable self, to him who cares only to gain hisown ends, to him who seeks only his own individual comfort, to thatman Freethought can have no attraction. Such a man may indeed be madereligious by a bribe of heaven; he may be led to seek for truth, because he hopes to gain his reward hereafter by the search; but Truthdisdains the service of the self-seeker; she cannot be grasped by ahand that itches for reward. If Truth is not loved for her own puresake, if to lead a noble life, if to make men happier, if to spreadbrightness around us, if to leave the world better than we foundit--if these aims have no attraction for us, if these thoughts do notinspire us, then we are not worthy to be Secularists, we have no rightto the proud title of Freethinkers. If you want to be paid for yourgood lives by living for ever in a lazy and useless fashion in an idleheaven; if you want to be bribed into nobility of life; if, like sillychildren, you learn your lesson not to gain knowledge but to winsugar-plums, then you had better go back to your creeds and yourchurches; they are all you are fit for; you are not worthy to be free. But we--who, having caught a glimpse of the beauty of Truth, deem thepossession of her worth more than all the world beside; who have madeup our minds to do our work ungrudgingly, asking for no reward beyondthe results which spring up from our labour--we will spread the Gospelof Freethought among men, until the sad minor melodies of Christianityhave sobbed out their last mournful notes on the dying evening breeze, and on the fresh morning winds shall ring out the chorus of hope andjoyfulness, from the glad lips of men whom the Truth has at last setfree. "[20]

The intellectual comprehension of the sources of evil and the methodof its extinction was the second great plank in my ethical platform. The study of Darwin and Herbert Spencer, of Huxley, Büchner andHaeckel, had not only convinced me of the truth of evolution, but, with help from W. H. Clifford, Lubbock, Buckle, Lecky, and manyanother, had led me to see in the evolution of the social instinct theexplanation of the growth of conscience and of the strengthening ofman's mental and moral nature. If man by study of the conditionssurrounding him and by the application of intelligence to the subdualof external nature, had already accomplished so much, why should notfurther persistence along the same road lead to his completeemancipation? All the evil, anti-social side of his nature was aninheritance from his brute ancestry, and could be graduallyeradicated; he could not only "let the ape and tiger die, " but hecould kill them out. " It may be frankly acknowledged that man inheritsfrom his brute progenitors various bestial tendencies which are incourse of elimination. The wild-beast desire to fight is one of these, and this has been encouraged, not checked, by religion. .. . Anotherbestial tendency is the lust of the male for the female apart fromlove, duty, and loyalty; this again has been encouraged by religion, as witness the polygamy and concubinage of the Hebrews--as in Abraham, David, and Solomon, not to mention the precepts of the Mosaiclaws--the bands of male and female prostitutes in connection withPagan temples, and the curious outbursts of sexual passion inconnection with religious revivals and missions. Another bestialtendency is greed, the strongest grabbing all he can and tramplingdown the weak, in the mad struggle for wealth; how and when hasreligion modified this tendency, sanctified as it is in our presentcivilisation? All these bestial tendencies will be eradicated only bythe recognition of human duty, of the social bond. Religion has noteradicated them, but science, by tracing them to their source in ourbrute ancestry, has explained them and has shown them in their truelight. As each recognises that the anti-social tendencies are thebestial tendencies in man, and that man in evolving further mustevolve out of these, each also feels it part of his personal duty tocurb these in himself, and so to rise further from the brute. Thisrational 'co-operation with Nature' distinguishes the scientific fromthe religious person, and this constraining sense of obligation isbecoming stronger and stronger in all those who, in losing faith inGod, have gained hope for man. "[21]

For this rational setting of oneself on the side of the forces workingfor evolution implied active co-operation by personal purity andnobility. " To the Atheist it seems that the knowledge that theperfecting of the race is only possible by the improvement of theindividual, supplies the most constraining motive which can beimagined for efforts after personal perfection. The Theist may desirepersonal perfection, but his desire is self-centred; each righteousindividual is righteous, as it were, alone, and his righteousness doesnot benefit his fellows save as it may make him helpful and loving inhis dealings with them. The Atheist desires personal perfection notonly for his joy in it as beautiful in itself, but because science hastaught him the unity of the race, and he knows that each freshconquest of his over the baser parts of his nature, and eachstrengthening of the higher, is a gain for all, and not for himselfalone. "[22]

Besides all this, the struggle against evil, regarded as transitoryand as a necessary concomitant of evolution, loses its bitterness. "Indealing with evil, Atheism is full of hope instead of despair. To theChristian, evil is as everlasting as good; it exists by the permissionof God, and, therefore, by the will of God. Our nature is corrupt, inclined to evil; the devil is ever near us, working all sin and allmisery. What hope has the Christian face to face with a world'swickedness? what answer to the question, Whence comes sin? To theAtheist the terrible problem has in it no figure of despair. Evilcomes from ignorance, we say; ignorance of physical and of moralfacts. Primarily, from ignorance of physical order; parents who dwellin filthy, unventilated, unweathertight houses, who live oninsufficient, innutritious, unwholesome food, will necessarily beunhealthy, will lack vitality, will probably have disease lurking intheir veins; such parents will bring into the world ill-nurturedchildren, in whom the brain will generally be the least developed partof the body; such children, by their very formation, will incline tothe animal rather than to the human, and by leading an animal, ornatural, life will be deficient in those qualities which are necessaryin social life. Their surroundings as they grow up, the home, thefood, the associates, all are bad. They are trained into vice, educated into criminality; so surely as from the sown corn rises thewheat-ear, so from the sowing of misery, filth, and starvation shallarise crime. And the root of all is poverty and ignorance. Educate thechildren, and give them fair wage for fair work in their maturity, andcrime will gradually diminish and ultimately disappear. Man isGod-made, says Theism; man is circumstance-made, says Atheism. Man isthe resultant of what his parents were, of what his surroundings havebeen and are, and of what they have made him; himself the result ofthe past he modifies the actual, and so the action and reaction go on, he himself the effect of what is past, and one of the causes of whatis to come. Make the circumstances good and the results will be good, for healthy bodies and healthy brains may be built up, and from aState composed of such the disease of crime will have disappeared. Thus is our work full of hope; no terrible will of God have we tostruggle against; no despairful future to look forward to, of a worldgrowing more and more evil, until it is, at last, to burned up; but aglad, fair future of an ever-rising race, where more equal laws, moregeneral education, more just division, shall eradicate pauperism, destroy ignorance, nourish independence, a future to be made thegrander by our struggles, a future to be made the nearer by ourtoil. "[23]

This joyous, self-reliant facing of the world with the resolutedetermination to improve it is characteristic of the noblest Atheismof our day. And it is thus a distintly elevating factor in the midstof the selfishness, luxury, and greed of modern civilisation. It is avirile virtue in the midst of the calculating and slothful spiritwhich too ofter veils itself under the pretence or religion. It willhave no putting off of justice to a far-off day of reckoning, and itis ever spurred on by the feeling, "The night cometh, when no man canwork. " Bereft of all hope of a personal future, it binds up its hopeswith that of the race; unbelieving in any aid from Deity, it strugglesthe more strenuously to work out man's salvation by his own strength. "To us there is but small comfort in Miss Cobbe's assurance that'earth's wrongs and agonies' 'will be righted hereafter. ' Granting fora moment that man survives death what certainty have we that 'the nextworld' will be any improvement on this? Miss Cobbe assures us thatthis is 'God's world'; whose world will the next be, if not also His?Will He be stronger there or better, that He should set right in thatworld the wrongs He has permitted here? Will He have changed His mind, or have become weary of the contemplation of suffering? To me thethought that the world was in the hands of a God who permitted all thepresent wrongs and pains to exist would be intolerable, maddening inits hopelessness. There is every hope of righting earth's wrongs andof curing earth's pains if the reason and skill of man which havealready done so much are free to do the rest; but if they are tostrive against omnipotence, hopeless indeed is the future of theworld. It is in this sense that the Atheist looks on good as 'thefinal goal of ill, ' and believing that that goal will be reached thesooner the more strenuous the efforts of each individual, he works inthe glad certainty that he is aiding the world's progress thitherward. Not dreaming of a personal reward hereafter, not craving a personalpayment from heavenly treasury, he works and loves, content that he isbuilding a future fairer than his present, joyous that he is creatinga new earth for a happier race. "[24]

Such was the creed and such the morality which governed my life andthoughts from 1874 to 1886, and with some misgivings to 1889, and fromwhich I drew strength and happiness amid all outer struggles anddistress. And I shall ever remain grateful for the intellectual andmoral training it gave me, for the self-reliance it nurtured, for thealtruism it inculcated, for the deep feeling of the unity of man thatit fostered, for the inspiration to work that it lent. And perhaps thechief debt of gratitude I owe to Freethought is that it left the mindever open to new truth, encouraged the most unshrinking questioning ofNature, and shrank from no new conclusions, however adverse to theold, that were based on solid evidence. I admit sorrowfully that allFreethinkers do not learn this lesson, but I worked side by side withCharles Bradlaugh, and the Freethought we strove to spread wasstrong-headed and broad-hearted. 

The antagonism which, as we shall see in a few moments, blazed outagainst me from the commencement of my platform work, was based partlyon ignorance, was partly aroused by my direct attacks on Christianity, and by the combative spirit I myself showed in those attacks, and verylargely by my extreme Radicalism in politics. I had against me all theconventional beliefs and traditions of society in general, and Iattacked them, not with bated breath and abundant apologies, butjoyously and defiantly, with sheer delight in the intellectual strife. I was fired, too, with passionate sympathy for the sufferings of thepoor, for the overburdened, overdriven masses of the people, not onlyhere but in every land, and wherever a blow was struck at Liberty orJustice my pen or tongue brake silence. It was a perpetual carrying ofthe fiery cross, and the comfortable did not thank me for shaking themout of their soft repose. 

The antagonism that grew out of ignorance regarded Atheism as implyingdegraded morality and bestial life, and they assailed my conduct noton evidence that it was evil, but on the presumption that an Atheistmust be immoral. Thus a Christian opponent at Leicester assailed me asa teacher of free love, fathering on me views which were maintained ina book that I had not read, but which, before I had ever seen the_National Reformer_, had been reviewed in its columns--as it wasreviewed in other London papers--and had been commended for its clearstatement of the Malthusian position, but not for its contention as tofree love, a theory to which Mr. Bradlaugh was very strongly opposed. Nor were the attacks confined to the ascription to me of theorieswhich I did not hold, but agents of the Christian Evidence Society, intheir street preaching, made the foulest accusations against me ofpersonal immorality. Remonstrances addressed to the Rev. Mr. Engström, the secretary of the society, brought voluble protestations ofdisavowal and disapproval; but as the peccant agents were continued intheir employment, the apologies were of small value. No accusation wastoo coarse, no slander too baseless, for circulation by these men; andfor a long time these indignities caused me bitter suffering, outraging my pride, and soiling my good name. The time was to comewhen I should throw that good name to the winds for the sake of themiserable, but in those early days I had done nothing to merit, evenostensibly, such attacks. Even by educated writers, who should haveknown better, the most wanton accusations of violence and would-bedestructiveness were brought against Atheists; thus Miss Frances PowerCobbe wrote in the _Contemporary Review_ that loss of faith in Godwould bring about the secularisation _or destruction_ of allcathedrals, churches, and chapels. "Why, " I wrote in answer, "shouldcathedrals, churches, and chapels be destroyed? Atheism will utilise, not destroy, the beautiful edifices which, once wasted on God, shallhereafter be consecrated for man. Destroy Westminster Abbey, with itsexquisite arches, its glorious tones of soft, rich colour, itsstonework light as if of cloud, its dreamy, subdued twilight, soothingas the 'shadow of a great rock in a weary land'? Nay, but reconsecrateit to humanity. The fat cherubs who tumble over guns and banners onsoldiers' graves will fitly be removed to some spot where their clumsyforms will no longer mar the upward-springing grace of lines of pillarand of arch; but the glorious building wherein now barbaric psalms arechanted and droning canons preach of Eastern follies, shall hereafterecho the majestic music of Wagner and Beethoven, and the teachers ofthe future shall there unveil to thronging multitudes the beauties andthe wonders of the world. The 'towers and spires' will not be effaced, but they will no longer be symbols of a religion which sacrificesearth to heaven and Man to God. "[25] Between the cultured and theuncultured burlesques of Atheism we came off pretty badly, being forthe most part regarded, as the late Cardinal Manning termed us, asmere "cattle. "

The moral purity and elevation of Atheistic teaching were overlookedby many who heard only of my bitter attacks on Christian theology. Against the teachings of eternal torture, of the vicarious atonement, of the infallibility of the Bible, I levelled all the strength of mybrain and tongue, and I exposed the history of the Christian Churchwith unsparing hand, its persecutions, its religious wars, itscruelties, its oppressions. Smarting under the suffering inflicted onmyself, and wroth with the cruel pressure continually put onFreethinkers by Christian employers, speaking under constant threatsof prosecution, identifying Christianity with the political and socialtyrannies of Christendom, I used every weapon that history, science, criticism, scholarship could give me against the Churches; eloquence, sarcasm, mockery, all were called on to make breaches in the wall oftraditional belief and crass superstition. 

To argument and reason I was ever ready to listen, but I turned afront of stubborn defiance to all attempts to compel assent toChristianity by appeals to force. "The threat and the enforcement oflegal and social penalties against unbelief can never compel belief. Belief must be gained by demonstration; it can never be forced bypunishment. Persecution makes the stronger among us bitter; the weakeramong us hypocrites; it never has made and never can make an honestconvert. "[26]

That men and women are now able to speak and think as openly as theydo, that a broader spirit is visible in the Churches, that heresy isno longer regarded as morally disgraceful--these things are verylargely due to the active and militant propaganda carried on under theleadership of Charles Bradlaugh, whose nearest and most trusted friendI was. That my tongue was in the early days bitterer than it shouldhave been, I frankly acknowledge; that I ignored the services done byChristianity and threw light only on its crimes, thus committinginjustice, I am ready to admit. But these faults were conquered longere I left the Atheistic camp, and they were the faults of mypersonality, not of the Atheistic philosophy. And my main contentionswere true, and needed to be made; from many a Christian pulpit to-daymay be heard the echo of the Freethought teachings; men's minds havebeen awakened, their knowledge enlarged; and while I condemn theunnecessary harshness of some of my language, I rejoice that I playedmy part in that educating of England which has made impossible forevermore the crude superstitions of the past, and the repetition ofthe cruelties and injustices under which preceding heretics suffered. 

But my extreme political views had also much to do with the generalfeeling of hatred with which I was regarded. Politics, as such, Icared not for at all, for the necessary compromises of political lifewere intolerable to me; but wherever they touched on the life of thepeople they became to me of burning interest. The land question, theincidence of taxation, the cost of Royalty, the obstructive power ofthe House of Lords--these were the matters to which I put my hand; Iwas a Home Ruler, too, of course, and a passionate opponent of allinjustice to nations weaker than ourselves, so that I found myselfalways in opposition to the Government of the day. Against ouraggressive and oppressive policy in Ireland, in the Transvaal, inIndia, in Afghanistan, in Burmah, in Egypt, I lifted up my voice inall our great towns, trying to touch the consciences of the people, and to make them feel the immorality of a land-stealing, piraticalpolicy. Against war, against capital punishment, against flogging, demanding national education instead of big guns, public librariesinstead of warships--no wonder I was denounced as an agitator, afirebrand, and that all orthodox society turned up at me its mostrespectable nose. 

CHAPTER VIII. 

AT WORK. 

From this sketch of the inner sources of action let me turn to theactions themselves, and see how the outer life was led which feditself at these springs. 

I have said that the friendship between Mr. Bradlaugh and myself datedfrom our first meeting, and a few days after our talk in Turner Streethe came down to see me at Norwood. It was characteristic of the manthat he refused my first invitation, and bade me to think well ere Iasked him to my house. He told me that he was so hated by Englishsociety that any friend of his would be certain to suffer, and that Ishould pay heavily for any friendship extended to him. When, however, I wrote to him, repeating my invitation, and telling him that I hadcounted the cost, he came to see me. His words came true; myfriendship for him alienated from me even many professed Freethinkers, but the strength and the happiness of it outweighed a thousand timesthe loss it brought, and never has a shadow of regret touched me thatI clasped hands with him in 1874, and won the noblest friend thatwoman ever had. He never spoke to me a harsh word; where we differed, he never tried to override my judgment, nor force on me his views; wediscussed all points of difference as equal friends; he guarded mefrom all suffering as far as friend might, and shared with me all thepain he could not turn aside; all the brightness of my stormy lifecame to me through him, from his tender thoughtfulness, his ever-readysympathy, his generous love. He was the most unselfish man I everknew, and as patient as he was strong. My quick, impulsive naturefound in him the restful strength it needed, and learned from him theself-control it lacked. 

He was the merriest of companions in our rare hours of relaxation; formany years he was wont to come to my house in the morning, after thehours always set aside by him for receiving poor men who wanted adviceon legal and other matters--for he was a veritable poor man's lawyer, always ready to help and counsel--and, bringing his books and papers, he would sit writing, hour after hour, I equally busy with my ownwork, now and then, perhaps, exchanging a word, breaking off just forlunch and dinner, and working on again in the evening till about teno'clock--he always went early to bed when at home--he would takehimself off again to his lodgings, about three-quarters of a mileaway. Sometimes he would play cards for an hour, euchre being ourfavourite game. But while we were mostly busy and grave, we would makeholiday sometimes, and then he was like a boy, brimming over withmirth, full of quaint turns of thought and speech; all the countryround London has for me bright memories of our wanderings--Richmond, where we tramped across the park, and sat under its mighty trees;Windsor, with its groves of bracken; Kew, where we had tea in a funnylittle room, with watercress _ad libitum_; Hampton Court, with itsdishevelled beauties; Maidenhead and Taplow, where the river was theattraction; and, above all, Broxbourne, where he delighted to spendthe day with his fishing-rod, wandering along the river, of which heknew every eddy. For he was a great fisherman, and he taught me allthe mysteries of the craft, mirthfully disdainful of my dislike of thefish when I had caught them. And in those days he would talk of allhis hopes of the future, of his work, of his duty to the thousands wholooked to him for guidance, of the time when he would sit inParliament as member for Northampton, and help to pass into laws theprojects of reform for which he was battling with pen and tongue. Howoften he would voice his love of England, his admiration of herParliament, his pride in her history. Keenly alive to the blots uponit in her sinful wars of conquest, in the cruel wrongs inflicted uponsubject peoples, he was yet an Englishman to the heart's core, butfeeling above all the Englishman's duty, as one of a race that hadgripped power and held it, to understand the needs of those he ruled, and to do justice willingly, since compulsion to justice there wasnone. His service to India in the latest years of his life was nosuddenly accepted task. He had spoken for her, pleaded for her, formany a long year, through press and on platform, and his spurs asmember for India were won long ere he was member of Parliament. 

A place on the staff of the _National Reformer_ was offered me by Mr. Bradlaugh a few days after our first meeting, and the small weeklysalary thus earned--it was only a guinea, for national reformers arealways poor--was a very welcome addition to my resources. My firstcontribution appeared in the number for August 30, 1874, over thesignature of "Ajax, " and I wrote in it regularly until Mr. Bradlaughdied; from 1877 until his death I sub-edited it, so as to free himfrom all the technical trouble and the weary reading of copy, and forpart of this period was also co-editor. I wrote at first under a _nomde guerre_, because the work I was doing for Mr. Scott would have beenprejudiced had my name appeared in the columns of the terrible_National Reformer_, and until this work--commenced and paid for--wasconcluded I did not feel at liberty to use my own name. Afterwards, Isigned my _National Reformer_ articles, and the tracts written for Mr. Scott appeared anonymously. 

 The name was suggested by the famous statue of "Ajax Crying for Light, " a cast of which may be seen in the centre walk by any visitor to the Crystal Palace, Sydenham. The cry through the darkness for light, even though light should bring destruction, was one that awoke the keenest sympathy of response from my heart:

 "If our fate be death Give light, and let us die!"

To see, to know, to understand, even though the seeing blind, thoughthe knowledge sadden, though the understanding shatter the dearesthopes--such has ever been the craving of the upward-striving mind inman. Some regard it as a weakness, as a folly, but I am sure that itexists most strongly in some of the noblest of our race; that from thelips of those who have done most in lifting the burden of ignorancefrom the overstrained and bowed shoulders of a stumbling world hasgone out most often into the empty darkness the pleading, impassionedcry:

"Give light!"

The light may come with a blinding flash, but it is light none theless, and we can see. 

And now the time had come when I was to use that gift of speech whichI had discovered in Sibsey Church that I possessed, and to use it tomove hearts and brains all over the English land. In 1874, tentatively, and in 1875 definitely, I took up this keen weapon, and have used it eversince. My first attempt was at a garden party, in a brief informaldebate, and I found that words came readily and smoothly: the secondin a discussion at the Liberal Social Union on the opening of museumsand art galleries on Sunday. My first lecture was given at theCo-operative Institute, 55, Castle Street, Oxford Street, on August25, 1874. Mr. Greening--then, I think, the secretary--had invited meto read a paper before the society, and had left me the choice of thesubject. I resolved that my first public lecture should be on behalfof my own sex, so I selected for my theme, "The Political Status ofWomen, " and wrote thereon a paper. But it was a very nervous personwho presented herself at the Co-operative Institute on that Augustevening. When a visit to the dentist is made, and one stands on thesteps outside, desiring to run away ere the neat little boy in buttonsopens the door and beams on one with a smile of compassionatesuperiority and implike triumph, then the world seems dark and life isas a huge blunder. But all such feelings are poor and weak as comparedwith the sinking of the heart and the trembling of the knees whichseize upon the unhappy lecturer as he advances towards his firstaudience, and as before his eyes rises a ghastly vision of atongue-tied would-be lecturer, facing rows of listening faces, listening to--silence. But to my surprise all this miserable feelingvanished the moment I was on my feet and was looking at the facesbefore me. I felt no tremor of nervousness from the first word to thelast, and as I heard my own voice ring out over the attentivelisteners I was conscious of power and of pleasure, not of fear. Andfrom that day to this my experience has been the same; before alecture I am horribly nervous, wishing myself at the ends of theearth, heart beating violently, and sometimes overcome by deadlysickness. Once on my feet, I feel perfectly at my ease, ruler of thecrowd, master of myself. I often jeer at myself mentally as I feelmyself throbbing and fearful, knowing that when I stand up I shall beall right, and yet I cannot conquer the physical terror and trembling, illusory as I know them to be. People often say to me, "You look tooill to go on the platform. " And I smile feebly and say I am all right, and I often fancy that the more miserably nervous I am in theante-room, the better I speak when once on the platform. My secondlecture was delivered on September 27th, at Mr. Moncure D. Conway'sChapel, in St. Paul's Road, Camden Town, and redelivered a few weekslater at a Unitarian Chapel, where the Rev. Peter Dean was minister. This was on the "True Basis of Morality, " and was later printed as apamphlet, which attained a wide circulation. This was all I did in theway of speaking in 1874, but I took silent part in an electioneeringstruggle at Northampton, where a seat for the House of Commons hadfallen vacant by the death of Mr. Charles Gilpin. Mr. Bradlaugh hadcontested the borough as a Radical in 1868, obtaining 1, 086 votes, andagain in February, 1874, when he received 1, 653; of these no less than1, 060 were plumpers, while his four opponents had only 113, 64, 21 and12 plumpers respectively; this band formed the compact and personallyloyal following which was to win the seat for its chief in 1880, aftertwelve years of steady struggle, and to return him over and over againto Parliament during the long contest which followed his election, andwhich ended in his final triumph. They never wavered in theirallegiance to "our Charlie, " but stood by him through evil report andgood report, when he was outcast as when he was triumphant, loving himwith a deep, passionate devotion, as honourable to them as it wasprecious to him. I have seen him cry like a child at evidences oftheir love for him, he whose courage no danger could daunt, and whowas never seen to blench before hatred nor change his stern immobilityin the face of his foes. Iron to enmity, he was soft as a woman tokindness; unbending as steel to pressure, he was ductile as wax tolove. John Stuart Mill had the insight in 1868 to see his value, andthe courage to recognise it. He strongly supported his candidature, and sent a donation to his election expenses. In his "Autobiography"he wrote (pp. 311, 312):--

"He had the support of the working classes; having heard him speak Iknew him to be a man of ability, and he had proved that he was thereverse of a demagogue by placing himself in strong opposition to theprevailing opinion of the Democratic party on two such importantsubjects as Malthusianism and Proportional Representation. Men of thissort, who, while sharing the democratic feeling of the workingclasses, judge political questions for themselves, and have thecourage to assert their individual convictions against popularopposition, were needed, as it seemed to me, in Parliament; and I didnot think that Mr. Bradlaugh's anti-religious opinions (even though hehad been intemperate in the expression of them) ought to exclude him. "

It has been said that Mr. Mill's support of Mr. Bradlaugh'scandidature at Northampton cost him his own seat at Westminster, andso bitter was bigotry at that time that the statement is very likelyto be true. On this, Mr. Mill himself said: "It was the right thing todo, and if the election were yet to take place, I would do it again. "

At this election of September, 1874--the second in the year, for thegeneral election had taken place in the February, and Mr. Bradlaughhad been put up and defeated during his absence in America--I wentdown to Northampton to report electioneering incidents for the_National Reformer_, and spent some days there in the whirl of thestruggle. The Whig party was more bitter against Mr. Bradlaugh thanwas the Tory. Strenuous efforts were made to procure a Liberalcandidate, who would be able at least to prevent Mr. Bradlaugh'sreturn, and, by dividing the Liberal and Radical party, should let ina Tory rather than the detested Radical. Messrs. Bell and James andDr. Pearce came on the scene only to disappear. Mr. Jacob Bright andMr. Arnold Morley were vainly suggested. Mr. Ayrton's name waswhispered. Major Lumley was recommended by Mr. Bernal Osborne. Dr. Kenealy proclaimed himself ready to come to the rescue of the Whigs. Mr. Tillett, of Norwich, Mr. Cox, of Belper, were invited, but neitherwould consent to oppose a good Radical who had fought two elections atNorthampton and had been the chosen of the Radical workers for sixyears. At last Mr. William Fowler, a banker, accepted the task ofhanding over the representation of a Liberal and Radical borough to aTory, and duly succeeded in giving the seat to Mr. Mereweather, a veryreputable Tory lawyer. Mr. Bradlaugh polled 1, 766, thus adding another133 voters to those who had polled for him in the previous February. 

That election gave me my first experience of anything in the nature ofrioting. The violent abuse levelled against Mr. Bradlaugh by theWhigs, and the foul and wicked slanders circulated against him, assailing his private life and family relations, had angered almost tomadness those who knew and loved him; and when it was found that theunscrupulous Whig devices had triumphed, had turned the electionagainst him, and given over the borough to a Tory, the fury broke outinto open violence. One illustration may be given as a type of thesecruel slanders. It was known that Mr. Bradlaugh was separated from hiswife, and it was alleged that being an Atheist, and, (therefore!) anopponent of marriage, he had deserted his wife and children, and leftthem to the workhouse. The cause of the separation was known to veryfew, for Mr. Bradlaugh was chivalrously honourable to women, and hewould not shield his own good name at the cost of that of the wife ofhis youth and the mother of his children. But since his death his onlyremaining child has, in devotion to her father's memory, stated themelancholy truth: that Mrs. Bradlaugh gave way to drink; that for longyears he bore with her and did all that man could do to save her; thatfinally, hopeless of cure, he broke up his home, and placed his wifein the care of her parents in the country, leaving her daughters withher, while he worked for their support. No man could have acted moregenerously and wisely under these cruel circumstances than he did, butit was, perhaps, going to an extreme of Quixotism, that he concealedthe real state of the case, and let the public blame him as it would. His Northampton followers did not know the facts, but they knew him asan upright, noble man, and these brutal attacks on his personalcharacter drove them wild. Stray fights had taken place during theelection over these slanders, and, defeated by such foul weapons, thepeople lost control of their passions. As Mr. Bradlaugh was sittingwell-nigh exhausted in the hotel, after the declaration of the poll, the landlord rushed in, crying to him to go out and try to stop thepeople, or there would be murder done at the "Palmerston, " Mr. Fowler's headquarters; the crowd was charging the door, and thewindows were being broken with showers of stones. Weary as he was, Mr. Bradlaugh sprang to his feet, and swiftly made his way to the rescueof those who had maligned and defeated him. Flinging himself beforethe doorway, from which the door had just been battered down, heknocked down one or two of the most violent, drove the crowd back, argued and scolded them into quietness, and finally dispersed them. But at nine o'clock he had to leave Northampton to catch the mailsteamer for America at Queenstown, and after he had left, word wentround that he had gone, and the riot he had quelled broke out afresh. The Riot Act was at last read, the soldiers were called out, stonesflew freely, heads and windows were broken, but no very serious harmwas done. The "Palmerston" and the printing-office of the _Mercury_, the Whig organ, were the principal sufferers; doors and windowsdisappearing somewhat completely. The day after the election Ireturned home, and soon after fell ill with a severe attack ofcongestion of the lungs. Soon after my recovery I left Norwood andsettled in a house in Westbourne Terrace, Bayswater, where I remainedtill 1876. 

In the following January (1875), after much thought and self-analysis, I resolved to give myself wholly to propagandist work, as aFreethinker and a Social Reformer, and to use my tongue as well as mypen in the struggle. I counted the cost ere I determined on this step, for I knew that it would not only outrage the feelings of such newfriends as I had already made, but would be likely to imperil mycustody of my little girl. I knew that an Atheist was outside the law, obnoxious to its penalties, but deprived of its protection, and thatthe step I contemplated might carry me into conflicts in whicheverything might be lost and nothing could be gained. But the desireto spread liberty and truer thought among men, to war against bigotryand superstition, to make the world freer and better than I foundit--all this impelled me with a force that would not be denied. Iseemed to hear the voice of Truth ringing over the battlefield: "Whowill go? Who will speak for me?" And I sprang forward with passionateenthusiasm, with resolute cry: "Here am I, send me!" Nor have I everregretted for one hour that resolution, come to in solitude, carriedout amid the surging life of men, to devote to that sacred cause everypower of brain and tongue that I possessed. Very solemn to me is theresponsibility of the public teacher, standing forth in Press and onplatform to partly mould the thought of his time, swaying thousands ofreaders and hearers year after year. No weighter responsibility canany take, no more sacred charge. The written and the spoken word startforces none may measure, set working brain after brain, influencenumbers unknown to the forthgiver of the word, work for good or forevil all down the stream of time. Feeling the greatness of the career, the solemnity of the duty, I pledged my word then to the cause I lovedthat no effort on my part should be wanted to render myself worthy ofthe privilege of service that I took; that I would read and study, andwould train every faculty that I had; that I would polish my language, discipline my thought, widen my knowledge; and this, at least, I maysay, that if I have written and spoken much, I have studied andthought more, and that I have not given to my mistress Truth that"which hath cost me nothing. "

This same year (1875) that saw me launched on the world as a publicadvocate of Freethought, saw also the founding of the TheosophicalSociety to which my Freethought was to lead me. I have often sincethought with pleasure that at the very time I began lecturing inEngland, H. P. Blavatsky was at work in the United States, preparingthe foundation on which in November, 1875, the Theosophical Societywas to be raised. And with deeper pleasure yet have I found herwriting of what she called the noble work against superstition done byCharles Bradlaugh and myself, rendering the propaganda of Theosophyfar more practicable and safer than it would otherwise have been. Thefight soon began, and with some queer little skirmishes. I was amember of the "Liberal Social Union, " and one night a discussion aroseas to the admissibility of Atheists to the Society. Dr. Zerffideclared that he would not remain a member if avowed Atheists wereadmitted. I promptly declared that I was an Atheist, and that thebasis of the union was liberty of opinion. The result was that I foundmyself cold-shouldered, and those that had been warmly cordial to memerely as a non-Christian looked askance at me when I had avowed thatmy scepticism had advanced beyond their "limits of religious thought. "The Liberal Social Union soon knew me no more, but in the wider fieldof work open before me, the narrow-mindedness of this petty cliquetroubled me not at all. 

I started my definite lecturing work at South Place Chapel in January, 1875, Mr. Moncure D. Conway presiding for me, and I find in the_National Reformer_ for January 17th, the announcement that "Mrs. Annie Besant ('Ajax') will lecture at South Place Chapel, Finsbury, on'Civil and Religious Liberty. '" Thus I threw off my pseudonym, androde into the field of battle with uplifted visor. The identificationled to an odd little exhibition of bigotry. I had been invited by theDialectical Society to read a paper, and had selected for subject, "The Existence of God. " (It may be noted, in passing, that youngstudents and speakers always select the most tremendous subjects fortheir discourses. One advances in modesty as one advances inknowledge, and after eighteen years of platform work, I am far moredubious than I was at their beginning as to my power of dealing in anysense adequately with the problems of life. ) The Dialectical Societyhad for some years held their meetings in a room in Adam Street, rented from the Social Science Association. When the members gatheredas usual on February 17th, the door was found to be locked, and theyhad to gather on the stairs; they found that "Ajax's" as yetundelivered paper was too much for Social Science nerves, and thatentrance to their ordinary meeting-room was then and thenceforthdenied them. So they, with "Ajax, " found refuge at the Charing CrossHotel, and speculated merrily on the eccentricities of religiousbigotry. 

On February 12th I started on my first provincial lecturing tour, andafter speaking at Birkenhead that evening went on by the night mail toGlasgow. Some races--dog races--I think, had been going on, and veryunpleasant were many of the passengers waiting on the platform. SomeBirkenhead friends had secured me a compartment, and watched over metill the train began to move. Then, after we had fairly started, thedoor was flung open by a porter, and a man was thrust in who halftumbled on to the seat. As he slowly recovered he stood up, and as hismoney rolled out of his hand on to the floor, and he gazed vaguely atit, I saw to my horror that he was drunk. The position was notpleasant, for the train was an express, and was not timed to stop fora considerable time. My odious fellow-passenger spent some time on thefloor, hunting after his scattered coins; then he slowly gatheredhimself up and presently became conscious of my presence. He studiedme for some time, and then proposed to shut the window. I assentedquietly, not wanting to discuss a trifle and feeling in deadlyterror--alone at night in an express with a man not drunk enough to behelpless, but too drunk to be controlled. Never before nor since haveI felt so thoroughly frightened. I can see him still, swaying as hestood, with eyes bleared and pendulous lips--but I sat there quiet andoutwardly unmoved, as is always my impulse in danger till I see someway of escape, only grasping a penknife in my pocket, with a desperateresolve to use my feeble weapon as soon as the need arose. The mancame towards me with a fatuous leer, when a jarring noise was heardand the train began to slacken. 

"What is that?" stammered my drunken companion. 

"They are putting on the brakes to stop the train, " I answered veryslowly and distinctly, though a very passion of relief made it hard tosay quietly the measured words. 

The man sat down stupidly, staring at me, and in a minute or two thetrain pulled up at a station--it had been stopped by signal. Myimmobility was gone. In a moment I was at the window, called theguard, and explained rapidly that I was a woman travelling alone, andthat a half-drunken man was in the carriage. With the usual kindnessof a railway official, he at once moved me and my baggage into anothercompartment, into which he locked me, and he kept a friendly watchover me at every station at which we stopped until he landed me safelyat Glasgow. 

At Glasgow a room had been taken for me at a temperance hotel, and itseemed to me so new and lonely a thing to be "all on my own account"in a strange hotel in a strange city, that I wanted to sit down andcry. This feeling, to which I was too proud to yield, was probablypartly due to the extreme greyness and grubbiness of my surroundings. Things are better now, but in those days temperance hotels were forthe most part lacking in cleanliness. Abstinence from alcohol and asuperfluity of "matter in the wrong place" do not seem necessarycorrelatives, yet I rarely went to a temperance hotel in which waterwas liberally used for other purposes than that of drinking. FromGlasgow I went north to Aberdeen, where I found a very stern andcritical audience. Not a sound broke the stillness as I walked up thehall; not a sound as I ascended the platform and faced the people; thecanny Scot was not going to applaud a stranger at sight; he was goingto see what she was like first. In grim silence they listened; I couldnot move them; they were granite like their own granite city, and Ifelt I would like to take off my head and throw it at them, if only tobreak that hard wall. After about twenty minutes, a fortunate phrasedrew a hiss from some child of the Covenanters. I made a quick retort, there was a burst of cheering, and the granite vanished. Never afterthat did I have to complain of the coldness of an Aberdeen audience. Back to London from Aberdeen, and a long, weary journey it was, in athird-class carriage in the cold month of February; but the labour hadin it a joy that outpaid all physical discomfort, and the feeling thatI had found my work in the world gave a new happiness to life. 

On February 28th I stood for the first time on the platform of theHall of Science, Old Street, St. Luke's, London, and was received withthat warmth of greeting which Secularists are always so ready toextend to any who sacrifice aught to join their ranks. That hall isidentified in my mind with many a bitter struggle, with both victoryand defeat, but whether in victory or in defeat I found there alwayswelcome; and the love and the courage wherewith Secularists stood byme have overpaid a thousandfold any poor services I was fortunateenough to render, while in their ranks, to the cause of Liberty, andwholly prevent any bitterness arising in my mind for anyunfriendliness shown me by some, who have perhaps overstepped kindnessand justice in their sorrowful wrath at my renunciation of Materialismand Atheism. So far as health was concerned, the lecturing acted as atonic. My chest had always been a little delicate, and when Iconsulted a doctor on the possibility of my standing platform work, heanswered, "It will either kill you or cure you. " It entirely cured thelung weakness, and I grew strong and vigorous instead of being frailand delicate, as of old. 

It would be wearisome to go step by step over eighteen years ofplatform work, so I will only select here and there incidentsillustrative of the whole. And here let me say that the frequentattacks made on myself and others, that we were attracted toFree-thought propaganda by the gains it offered, formed a somewhatgrotesque contrast to the facts. On one occasion I spent eight days inNorthumberland and Durham, gave twelve lectures, and made a deficit ofeleven shillings on the whole. Of course such a thing could not happenin later years, when I had made my name by sheer hard work, but Ifancy that every Secularist lecturer could tell of similar experiencesin the early days of "winning his way. " The fact is that from Mr. Bradlaugh downwards every one of us could have earned a competencewith comparative ease in any other line of work, and could have earnedit with public approval instead of amid popular reproach. Much of myearly lecturing was done in Northumberland and Durham; the minersthere are, as a rule, shrewd and hard-headed men, and very cordial isthe greeting given by them to those they have reason to trust. AtSeghill and at Bedlington I have slept in their cottages and have beenwelcomed to their tables, and I have a vivid memory of one evening atSeghill, after a lecture, when my host, himself a miner, invited abouta dozen of his comrades to supper to meet me; the talk ran onpolitics, and I soon found that my companions knew more of Englishpolitics, had a far shrewder notion of political methods, and were, therefore, much better worth talking to, than most of the ordinary menmet at dinner parties "in society. " They were of the "uneducated"class despised by "gentlemen, " and had not then the franchise, butpolitically they were far better educated than their social superiors, and were far better fitted to discharge the duties of citizenship. Howwell, too, do I remember a ten-mile drive in a butcher's cart, to givea lecture in an out-of-the-way spot, unapproached by railway. Such wasthe jolting as we rattled over rough roads and stony places, that Ifelt as though all my bones were broken, and as though I shouldcollapse on the platform like a bag half-filled with stones. How kindthey were to me, those genial, cordial miners, how careful for mycomfort, and how motherly were the women! Ah! if opponents of my viewswho did not know me were often cruel and malignant, there wascompensation in the love and honour in which good men and women allthe country over held me, and their devotion outweighed the hatred, and many a time and often soothed a weary and aching heart. 

Lecturing in June, 1875, at Leicester, I came for the first timeacross a falsehood that brought sore trouble and cost me more painthan I care to tell. An irate Christian opponent, in the discussionthat followed the lecture, declared that I was responsible for a bookentitled, "The Elements of Social Science, " which was, he averred, "The Bible of Secularists. " I had never heard of the book, but as hestated that it was in favour of the abolition of marriage, and thatMr. Bradlaugh agreed with it, I promptly contradicted him; for while Iknew nothing about the book, I knew a great deal about Mr. Bradlaugh, and I knew that on the marriage question he was conservative ratherthan revolutionary. He detested "Free Love" doctrines, and had thrownhimself strongly on the side of the agitation led so heroically formany years by Mrs. Josephine Butler. On my return to London after thelecture I naturally made inquiry as to the volume and its contents, and I found that it had been written by a Doctor of Medicine someyears before, and sent to the _National Reformer_ for review, as toother journals, in ordinary course of business. It consisted of threeparts--the first advocated, from the standpoint of medical science, what is roughly known as "Free Love"; the second was entirely medical;the third consisted of a clear and able exposition of the law ofpopulation as laid down by the Rev. Mr. Malthus, and--following thelines of John Stuart Mill--insisted that it was the duty of marriedpersons to voluntarily limit their families within their means ofsubsistence. Mr. Bradlaugh, in reviewing the book, said that it waswritten "with honest and pure intent and purpose, " and recommended toworking men the exposition of the law of population. His enemies tookhold of this recommendation, declared that he shared the author'sviews on the impermanence of the marriage tie, and, despite hisreiterated contradictions, they used extracts against marriage fromthe book as containing his views. Anything more meanly vile it wouldbe difficult to conceive, but such were the weapons used against himall his life, and used often by men whose own lives contrasted mostunfavourably with his own. Unable to find anything in his own writingsto serve their purpose, they used this book to damage him with thosewho knew nothing at first-hand of his views. What his enemies fearedwere not his views on marriage--which, as I have said, wasconservative--but his Radicalism and his Atheism. To discredit him aspolitician they maligned him socially, and the idea that a man desires"to abolish marriage and the home, " is a most convenient poniard, andthe one most certain to wound. This was the origin of his worstdifficulties, to be intensified, ere long, by his defence ofMalthusianism. On me also fell the same lash, and I found myself heldup to hatred as upholder of views that I abhorred. 

I may add that far warmer praise than that bestowed on this book byMr. Bradlaugh was given by other writers, who were never attacked inthe same way. 

In the _Reasoner_, edited by Mr. George Jacob Holyoake, I find warmerpraise of it than in the _National Reformer_; in the review thefollowing passage appears:--

"In some respects all books of this class are evils: but it would beweakness and criminal prudery--a prudery as criminal as viceitself--not to say that such a book as the one in question is not onlya far lesser evil than the one that it combats, but in one sense abook which it is a mercy to issue and courage to publish. "

The _Examiner_, reviewing the same book, declared it to be--

"A very valuable, though rather heterogeneous book. .. . This is, webelieve, the only book that has fully, honestly, and in a scientificspirit recognised all the elements in the problem--How are mankind totriumph over poverty, with its train of attendant evils?--andfearlessly endeavoured to find a practical solution. "

The _British Journal of Homoeopathy_ wrote:--

"Though quite out of the province of our journal, we cannot refrainfrom stating that this work is unquestionably the most remarkable one, in many respects, we have ever met with. Though we differ _toto coelo_from the author in his views of religion and morality, and hold someof his remedies to tend rather to a dissolution than a reconstructionof society, yet we are bound to admit the benevolence and philanthropyof his motives. The scope of the work is nothing less than the wholefield of political economy. "

Ernest Jones and others wrote yet more strongly, but out of all theseCharles Bradlaugh alone has been selected for reproach, and has hadthe peculiar views of the anonymous author fathered on himself. 

Some of the lecture work in those days was pretty rough. In Darwen, Lancashire, in June, 1875, stone-throwing was regarded as a fairargument addressed to the Atheist lecturer. At Swansea, in March, 1876, the fear of violence was so great that a guarantee againstdamage to the hall was exacted by the proprietor, and no local friendhad the courage to take the chair for me. In September, 1876, atHoyland, thanks to the exertions of Mr. Hebblethwaite, a PrimitiveMethodist, and two Protestant missionaries, I found the hall packedwith a crowd that yelled at me with great vigour, stood on forms, shook fists at me, and otherwise showed feelings more warm thanfriendly. Taking advantage of a lull in the noise, I began to speak, and the tumult sank into quietness; but as I was leaving the hall itbroke out afresh, and I walked slowly through a crowd that yelled andswore and struck at me, but somehow those nearest always shrank backand let me pass. In the dark, outside the hall, they took to kicking, but only one kick reached me, and the attempts to overturn the cabwere foiled by the driver, who put his horse at a gallop. Later in thesame month Mr. Bradlaugh and I visited Congleton together, having beeninvited there by Mr. And Mrs. Wolstenholme Elmy. Mr. Bradlaughlectured on the first evening to an accompaniment of broken windows, and I, sitting with Mrs. Elmy facing the platform, received a ratherheavy blow on the back of the head from a stone thrown by some one inthe room. We had a mile and a half to walk from the hall to the house, and were accompanied all the way by a stone-throwing crowd, who sanghymns at the tops of their voices, with interludes of curses and foulwords. On the following evening I lectured, and our stone-throwingadmirers escorted us to the hall; in the middle of the lecture a manshouted, "Put her out!" and a well-known wrestler of theneighbourhood, named Burbery, who had come to the hall with somefriends to break up the meeting, stood up as at a signal in front ofthe platform and loudly interrupted. Mr. Bradlaugh, who was in thechair, told him to sit down, and, as he persisted in interrupting, informed him that he must either be quiet or go out. "Put me out!"shouted Mr. Burbery, striking an attitude. Mr. Bradlaugh left theplatform and walked up to the noisy swashbuckler, who at once grappledwith him and tried to throw him. But Mr. Burbery had not reckoned onthe massive strength of his opponent, and when the "throw" wascomplete Mr. Burbery was underneath. Amid much excitement Mr. Burberywas propelled towards the door, being gently used on the way as abattering-ram against his friends who rushed to the rescue, and at thedoor was handed over to the police. The chairman then resumed hisnormal duties, with a brief "Go on" to me, and I promptly went on, finishing the lecture in peace. But outside the hall there was plentyof stone-throwing, and Mrs. Elmy received a cut on the temple from aflint. This stormy work gradually lessened, and my experience of itwas a mere trifle compared to that which my predecessors had faced. Mr. Bradlaugh's early experiences involved much serious rioting, andMrs. Harriet Law, a woman of much courage and of strong naturalability, had many a rough meeting in her lecturing days. 

In September, 1875, Mr. Bradlaugh again sailed for America, still toearn money there to pay his debts. Unhappily he was struck down bytyphoid fever, and all his hopes of freeing himself thus weredestroyed. His life was well-nigh despaired of, but the admirableskill of physician and nurse pulled him through. Said the _BaltimoreAdvertiser_:--

"This long and severe illness has disappointed the hopes and retardedthe object for which he came to this country; but he is gentleness andpatience itself in his sickness in this strange land, and has endearedhimself greatly to his physicians and attendants by his gratitude andappreciation of the slightest attention. "

His fortitude in face of death was also much commented on, lying thereas he did far from home and from all he loved best. Never a quiver offear touched him as he walked down into the valley of the shadow ofdeath; the Rev. Mr. Frothingham bore public and admiring testimony inhis own church to Mr. Bradlaugh's noble serenity, at once fearless andunpretending, and, himself a Theist, gave willing witness to theAtheist's calm strength. He came back to us at the end of September, worn to a shadow, weak as a child, and for many a long month he borethe traces of his wrestle with death. 

One part of my autumn's work during his absence was the delivery andsubsequent publication of six lectures on the French Revolution. Thatstormy time had for me an intense fascination. I brooded over it, dreamed over it, and longed to tell the story from the people's pointof view. I consequently read a large amount of the current literatureof the time, as well as Louis Blanc's monumental work and thehistories of Michelet, Lamartine, and others. Fortunately for me, Mr. Bradlaugh had a splendid collection of books on the subject, and erewe left England he brought me two cabs-full of volumes, aristocratic, ecclesiastical, democratic, and I studied all these diligently, andlived in them, till the French Revolution became to me as a drama inwhich I had myself taken part, and the actors were to me as personalfriends and foes. In this, again, as in so much of my public work, Ihave to thank Mr. Bradlaugh for the influence which led me to readfully all sides of a question, and to read most carefully those fromwhich I differed most, ere I considered myself competent to write orto speak thereon. From 1875 onwards I held office as one of thevice-presidents of the National Secular Society--a society founded ona broad basis of liberty, with the inspiring motto, "We Search forTruth. " Mr. Bradlaugh was president, and I held office under him tillhe resigned his post in February, 1890, nine months after I had joinedthe Theosophical Society. The N. S. S. , under his judicious andfar-sighted leadership, became a real force in the country, theologically and politically, embracing large numbers of men andwomen who were Freethinkers as well as Radicals, and forming a nucleusof earnest workers, able to gather round them still larger numbers ofothers, and thus to powerfully affect public opinion. Once a year thesociety met in conference, and many a strong and lasting friendshipbetween men living far apart dated from these yearly gatherings, sothat all over the country spread a net-work of comradeship between thestaunch followers of "our Charlie. " These were the men and women whopaid his election expenses over and over again, supported him in hisParliamentary struggle, came up to London to swell the demonstrationsin his favour. And round them grew up a huge party--"the largestpersonal following of any public man since Mr. Gladstone, " it was oncesaid by an eminent man--who differed from him in theology, butpassionately supported him in politics; miners, cutlers, weavers, spinners, shoemakers, operatives of every trade, strong, sturdy, self-reliant men who loved him to the last. 

CHAPTER IX. 

THE KNOWLTON PAMPHLET. 

The year 1877 dawned, and in its early days began a struggle which, ending in victory all along the line, brought with it pain and anguishthat I scarcely care to recall. An American physician, Dr. CharlesKnowlton, convinced of the truth of the teaching of the Rev. Mr. Malthus, and seeing that that teaching had either no practical valueor tended to the great increase of prostitution, unless marriedpeople were taught to limit their families within their means oflivelihood--wrote a pamphlet on the voluntary limitation of thefamily. It was published somewhere in the Thirties--about 1835, Ithink--and was sold unchallenged in England as well as in America forsome forty years. Philosophers of the Bentham school, like John StuartMill, endorsed its teachings, and the bearing of population on povertywas an axiom in economic literature. Dr. Knowlton's work was aphysiological treatise, advocating conjugal prudence and parentalresponsibility; it argued in favour of early marriage, with a view tothe purity of social life; but as early marriage between persons ofsmall means generally implies a large family, leading either topauperism or to lack of necessary food, clothing, education, and fairstart in life for the children, Dr. Knowlton advocated the restrictionof the number of the family within the means of subsistence, andstated the methods by which this restriction could be carried out. Thebook was never challenged till a disreputable Bristol bookseller putsome copies on sale to which he added some improper pictures, and hewas prosecuted and convicted. The publisher of the _National Reformer_and of Mr. Bradlaugh's and my books and pamphlets had taken over astock of Knowlton's pamphlets among other literature he bought, and hewas prosecuted and, to our great dismay, pleaded guilty. We at onceremoved our publishing from his hands, and after careful deliberationwe decided to publish the incriminated pamphlet in order to test theright of discussion on the population question, when, with the adviceto limit the family, information was given as to how that advice couldbe followed. We took a little shop, printed the pamphlet, and sentnotice to the police that we would commence the sale at a certain dayand hour, and ourselves sell the pamphlet, so that no one else mightbe endangered by our action. We resigned our offices in the NationalSecular Society that we might not injure the society, but theexecutive first, and then the Annual Conference, refused to accept theresignations. Our position as regarded the pamphlet was simple anddefinite; had it been brought to us for publication, we stated, weshould not have published it, for it was not a treatise of high merit;but, prosecuted as immoral because it advised the limitation of thefamily, it at once embodied the right of publication. In a preface tothe republished edition, we wrote:--

"We republish this pamphlet, honestly believing that on all questionsaffecting the happiness of the people, whether they be theological, political, or social, fullest right of free discussion ought to bemaintained at all hazards. We do not personally endorse all that Dr. Knowlton says: his 'Philosophical Proem' seems to us full ofphilosophical mistakes, and--as we are neither of us doctors--we arenot prepared to endorse his medical views; but since progress can onlybe made through discussion, and no discussion is possible wherediffering opinions are suppressed, we claim the right to publish allopinions, so that the public, enabled to see all sides of a question, may have the materials for forming a sound judgment. "

We were not blind to the danger to which this defiance of theauthorities exposed us, but it was not the danger of failure, with theprison as penalty, that gave us pause. It was the horriblemisconceptions that we saw might arise; the odious imputations onhonour and purity that would follow. Could we, the teachers of a loftymorality, venture to face a prosecution for publishing what would betechnically described as an obscene book, and risk the ruin of ourfuture, dependent as that was on our fair fame? To Mr. Bradlaugh itmeant, as he felt, the almost certain destruction of his Parliamentaryposition, the forging by his own hands of a weapon that in the handsof his foes would be well-nigh fatal. To me it meant the loss of thepure reputation I prized, the good name I had guarded--scandal themost terrible a woman could face. But I had seen the misery of thepoor, of my sister-women with children crying for bread; the wages ofthe workmen were often sufficient for four, but eight or ten theycould not maintain. Should I set my own safety, my own good name, against the helping of these? Did it matter that my reputation shouldbe ruined, if its ruin helped to bring remedy to this otherwisehopeless wretchedness of thousands? What was worth all my talk aboutself-sacrifice and self-surrender, if, brought to the test, I failed?So, with heart aching but steady, I came to my resolution; and thoughI know now that I was wrong intellectually, and blundered in theremedy, I was right morally in the will to sacrifice all to help thepoor, and I can rejoice that I faced a storm of obloquy fiercer andharder to bear than any other which can ever touch me again. I learneda lesson of stern indifference to all judgments from without that werenot endorsed by condemnation from within. The long suffering thatfollowed was a splendid school for the teaching of endurance. 

The day before the pamphlet was put on sale we ourselves deliveredcopies to the Chief Clerk of the Magistrates at Guildhall, to theofficer in charge at the City Police Office in Old Jewry, and to theSolicitor for the City of London. With each pamphlet was a notice thatwe would attend and sell the book from 4 to 5 p. M. On the followingday, Saturday, March 24th. This we accordingly did, and in order tosave trouble we offered to attend daily at the shop from 10 to 11 a. M. To facilitate our arrest, should the authorities determine toprosecute. The offer was readily accepted, and after some littledelay--during which a deputation from the Christian Evidence Societywaited upon Mr. Cross to urge the Tory Government to prosecuteus--warrants were issued against us and we were arrested on April 6th. Letters of approval and encouragement came from the most diversequarters, including among their writers General Garibaldi, thewell-known economist, Yves Guyot, the great French constitutionallawyer, Emile Acollas, together with letters literally by the hundredfrom poor men and women thanking and blessing us for the stand taken. Noticeable were the numbers of letters from clergymen's wives, andwives of ministers of all denominations. 

After our arrest we were taken to the police-station in BridewellPlace, and thence to the Guildhall, where Alderman Figgins wassitting, before whom we duly appeared, while in the back of the courtwaited what an official described as "a regular waggon-load of bail. "We were quickly released, the preliminary investigation being fixedfor ten days later--April 17th. At the close of the day the magistratereleased us on our own recognisances, without bail; and it was sofully seen on all sides that we were fighting for a principle that nobail was asked for during the various stages of the trial. Two dayslater we were committed for trial at the Central Criminal Court, butMr. Bradlaugh moved for a writ of _certiorari_ to remove the trial tothe Court of Queen's Bench; Lord Chief Justice Cockburn said he wouldgrant the writ if "upon looking at it (the book), we think its objectis the legitimate one of promoting knowledge on a matter of humaninterest, " but not if the science were only a cover for impurity, andhe directed that copies of the book should be handed in for perusal byhimself and Mr. Justice Mellor. Having read the book they granted thewrit. 

The trial commenced on June 18th before the Lord Chief Justice ofEngland and a special jury, Sir Hardinge Giffard, theSolicitor-General of the Tory Government, leading against us, and wedefending ourselves. The Lord Chief Justice "summed up strongly for anacquittal, " as a morning paper said; he declared that "a moreill-advised and more injudicious proceeding in the way of aprosecution was probably never brought into a court of justice, " anddescribed us as "two enthusiasts who have been actuated by a desire todo good in a particular department of society. " He then went on to asplendid statement of the law of population, and ended by praising ourstraightforwardness and asserting Knowlton's honesty of intention. Every one in court thought that we had won our case, but they had nottaken into account the religious and political hatred against us andthe presence on the jury of such men as Mr. Walter, of the _Times_. After an hour and thirty-five minutes of delay the verdict was acompromise: "We are unanimously of opinion that the book in questionis calculated to deprave public morals, but at the same time weentirely exonerate the defendants from any corrupt motive inpublishing it. " The Lord Chief Justice looked troubled, and said thathe should have to translate the verdict into one of guilty, and onthat some of the jury turned to leave the box, it having beenagreed--we heard later from one of them--that if the verdict were notaccepted in that form they should retire again, as six of the jurywere against convicting us; but the foreman, who was bitterly hostile, jumped at the chance of snatching a conviction, and none of those inour favour had the courage to contradict him on the spur of themoment, so the foreman's "Guilty" passed, and the judge set us free, on Mr. Bradlaugh's recognisances to come up for judgment that dayweek. 

On that day we moved to quash the indictment and for a new trial, partly on a technical ground and partly on the ground that theverdict, having acquitted us of wrong motive, was in our favour, notagainst us. On this the Court did not agree with us, holding that thepart of the indictment alleging corrupt motive was superfluous. Thencame the question of sentence, and on this the Lord Chief Justice didhis best to save us; we were acquitted of any intent to violate thelaw; would we submit to the verdict of the jury and promise not tosell the book? No, we would not; we claimed the right to sell, andmeant to vindicate it. The judge pleaded, argued, finally got angrywith us, and, at last, compelled to pass sentence, he stated that ifwe would have yielded he would have let us go free without penalty, but that as we would set ourselves against the law, break it and defyit--a sore offence from the judge's point of view--he could only passa heavy sentence on each of six months' imprisonment, a fine of £200, and recognisances of £500 for two years, and this, as he againrepeated, upon the assumption "that they do intend to set the law atdefiance. " Even despite this he made us first-class misdemeanants. Then, as Mr. Bradlaugh stated that we should move for a writ of error, he liberated us on Mr. Bradlaugh's recognisance for £100, the queerestcomment on his view of the case and of our characters, since we wereliable jointly to £1, 400 under the sentence, to say nothing of theimprisonment. But prison and money penalties vanished into thin air, for the writ of error was granted, proved successful, and the verdictwas quashed. 

Then ensued a somewhat anxious time. We were resolute to continueselling; were our opponents equally resolved to prosecute us? We couldnot tell. I wrote a pamphlet entitled "The Law of Population, " givingthe arguments which had convinced me of its truth, the terribledistress and degradation entailed on families by overcrowding and thelack of the necessaries of life, pleading for early marriages thatprostitution might be destroyed, and limitation of the family thatpauperism might be avoided; finally, giving the information whichrendered early marriage without these evils possible. This pamphletwas put in circulation as representing our view of the subject, and weagain took up the sale of Knowlton's. Mr. Bradlaugh carried the warinto the enemy's country, and commenced an action against the policefor the recovery of some pamphlets they had seized; he carried theaction to a successful issue, recovered the pamphlets, bore them offin triumph, and we sold them all with an inscription across them, "Recovered from the police. " We continued the sale of Knowlton's tractfor some time, until we received an intimation that no furtherprosecution would be attempted, and on this we at once dropped itspublication, substituting for it my "Law of Population. "

[Illustration: CHARLES BRADLAUGH M. P. ]

But the worst part of the fight, for me, was to come. Prosecution ofthe "Law of Population" was threatened, but never commenced; a worseweapon against me was in store. An attempt had been made in August, 1875, to deprive me of the custody of my little girl by hiding heraway when she went on her annual visit of one month to her father, butI had promptly recovered her by threatening to issue a writ of _habeascorpus. _ Now it was felt that the Knowlton trial might be added to thecharges of blasphemy that could be urged against me, and that thisdouble-barrelled gun might be discharged with effect. I receivednotice in January, 1878, that an application was to be made to theHigh Court of Chancery to deprive me of the child, but the petitionwas not filed till the following April. Mabel was dangerously ill withscarlet fever at the time, and though this fact was communicated toher father I received a copy of the petition while sitting at herbedside. The petition alleged that, "The said Annie Besant is, byaddresses, lectures, and writings, endeavouring to propagate theprinciples of Atheism, and has published a book entitled 'The Gospelof Atheism. ' She has also associated herself with an infidel lecturerand author named Charles Bradlaugh in giving lectures and inpublishing books and pamphlets, whereby the truth of the Christianreligion is impeached, and disbelief in all religion inculcated. "

It further alleged against me the publication of the Knowltonpamphlet, and the writing of the "Law of Population. " Unhappily, thepetition came for hearing before the then Master of the Rolls, SirGeorge Jessel, a man animated by the old spirit of Hebrew bigotry, towhich he had added the time-serving morality of a "man of the world, "sceptical as to all sincerity, and contemptuous of all devotion to anunpopular cause. The treatment I received at his hands on my firstappearance in court told me what I had to expect. I had already hadsome experience of English judges, the stately kindness and gentlenessof the Lord Chief Justice, the perfect impartiality and dignifiedcourtesy of the Lords Justices of Appeal. My astonishment, then, canbe imagined when, in answer to a statement by Mr. Ince, Q. C. , that Iappeared in person, I heard a harsh, loud voice exclaim:

"Appear in person? A lady appear in person? Never heard of such athing! Does the lady really appear in person?"

As the London papers had been full of my appearing in person in theother courts and had contained the high compliments of the Lord ChiefJustice on my conduct of my own case, Sir George Jessel's pretendedastonishment seemed a little overdone. After a variety of similarremarks delivered in the most grating tones and in the roughestmanner, Sir George Jessel tried to obtain his object by browbeating medirectly. "Is this the lady?"

"I am the respondent, my lord, Mrs. Besant. "

"Then I advise you, Mrs. Besant, to employ counsel to represent you, if you can afford it; and I suppose you can. "

"With all submission to your lordship, I am afraid I must claim myright of arguing my case in person. "

"You will do so if you please, of course, but I think you had muchbetter appear by counsel. I give you notice that, if you do not, youmust not expect to be shown any consideration. You will not be heardby me at any greater length than the case requires, nor allowed to gointo irrelevant matter, as persons who argue their own cases usuallydo. "

"I trust I shall not do so, my lord; but in any case I shall bearguing under your lordship's complete control. "

This encouraging beginning may be taken as a sample of the case--itwas one long fight against clever counsel, aided by a counsel insteadof a judge on the bench. Only once did judge and counsel fall out. Mr. Ince and Mr. Bardswell had been arguing that my Atheism andMalthusianism made me an unfit guardian for my child; Mr. Incedeclared that Mabel, educated by me, would "be helpless for good inthis world, " and "hopeless for good hereafter, outcast in this lifeand damned in the next. " Mr. Bardswell implored the judge to considerthat my custody of her "would be detrimental to the future prospectsof the child in society, to say nothing of her eternal prospects. " Hadnot the matter been to me of such heart-breaking importance, I couldhave laughed at the mixture of Mrs. Grundy, marriage establishment, and hell, presented as an argument for robbing a mother of her child. But Mr. Bardswell carelessly forgot that Sir George Jessel was a Jew, and lifting eyes to heaven in horrified appeal, he gasped out:

"Your lordship, I think, will scarcely credit it, but Mrs. Besantsays, in a later affidavit, that she took away the Testament from thechild because it contained coarse passages unfit for a child to read. "

The opportunity was too tempting for a Jew to refrain from striking ata book written by apostate Jews, and Sir George Jessel answeredsharply:

"It is not true to say there are no passages unfit for a child'sreading, because I think there are a great many. "

"I do not know of any passages that could fairly be called coarse. "

"I cannot quite assent to that. "

Barring this little episode judge and counsel showed a charmingunanimity. I distinctly said I was an Atheist, that I had withdrawnthe child from religious instruction at the day-school she attended, that I had written various anti-Christian books, and so on; but Iclaimed the child's custody on the ground that the deed of separationdistinctly gave it to me, and had been executed by her father after Ihad left the Christian Church, and that my opinions were notsufficient to invalidate it. It was admitted on the other side thatthe child was admirably cared for, and there was no attempt atattacking my personal character. The judge stated that I had taken thegreatest possible care of the child, but decided that the mere fact ofmy refusing to give the child religious instruction was sufficientground for depriving me of her custody. Secular education he regardedas "not only reprehensible, but detestable, and likely to work utterruin to the child, and I certainly should upon this ground alonedecide that this child ought not to remain another day under the careof her mother. "

Sir George Jessel denounced also my Malthusian views in a fashion atonce so brutal and so untruthful as to facts, that some years lateranother judge, the senior puisne judge of the Supreme Court of NewSouth Wales, declared in a judgment delivered in his own court thatthere was "no language used by Lord Cockburn which justified theMaster of the Rolls in assuming that Lord Cockburn regarded the bookas obscene, " and that "little weight is to be attached to his opinionon a point not submitted for his decision"; he went on to administer asharp rebuke for the way in which Sir George Jessel travelled outsidethe case, and remarked that "abuse, however, of an unpopular opinion, whether indulged in by judges or other people, is not argument, norcan the vituperation of opponents in opinion prove them to beimmoral. " However, Sir George Jessel was all-powerful in his owncourt, and he deprived me of my child, refusing to stay the order evenuntil the hearing of my appeal against his decision. A messenger fromthe father came to my house, and the little child was carried away bymain force, shrieking and struggling, still weak from the fever, andnearly frantic with fear and passionate resistance. No access to herwas given me, and I gave notice that if access were denied me, I wouldsue for a restitution of conjugal rights, merely that I might see mychildren. But the strain had been too great, and I nearly went mad, spending hours pacing up and down the empty rooms, striving to wearymyself to exhaustion that I might forget. The loneliness and silenceof the house, of which my darling had always been the sunshine and themusic, weighed on me like an evil dream; I listened for the patter ofthe dancing feet, and merry, thrilling laughter that rang through thegarden, the sweet music of the childish voice; during my sleeplessnights I missed in the darkness the soft breathing of the littlechild; each morning I longed in vain for the clinging arms and soft, sweet kisses. At last health broke down, and fever struck me, andmercifully gave me the rest of pain and delirium instead of the agonyof conscious loss. Through that terrible illness, day after day, Mr. Bradlaugh came to me, and sat writing beside me, feeding me with iceand milk, refused from all others, and behaving more like a tendermother than a man friend; he saved my life, though it seemed to me forawhile of little value, till the first months of lonely pain wereover. When recovered, I took steps to set aside an order obtained byMr. Besant during my illness, forbidding me to bring any suit againsthim, and even the Master of the Rolls, on hearing that all access hadbeen denied to me, and the money due to me stopped, uttered words ofstrong condemnation of the way in which I had been treated. Finallythe deed of separation executed in 1873 was held to be good asprotecting Mr. Besant from any suit brought by me, whether for divorceor for restitution of conjugal rights, while the clauses giving me thecustody of the child were set aside. The Court of Appeal in April, 1879, upheld the decision, the absolute right of the father as againsta married mother being upheld. This ignoring of all right to herchildren on the part of the married mother is a scandal and a wrongthat has since been redressed by Parliament, and the husband has nolonger in his grasp this instrument of torture, whose power to agonisedepends on the tenderness and strength of the motherliness of thewife. In the days when the law took my child from me, it virtuallysaid to all women: "Choose which of these two positions, as wife andmother, you will occupy. If you are legally your husband's wife, youcan have no legal claim to your children; if legally you are yourhusband's mistress, your rights as mother are secure. " That stigma onmarriage is now removed. 

One thing I gained in the Court of Appeal. The Court expressed astrong view as to my right of access, and directed me to apply to SirGeorge Jessel for it, adding that it could not doubt he would grantit. Under cover of this I applied to the Master of the Rolls, andobtained liberal access to the children; but I found that my visitskept Mabel in a continual state of longing and fretting for me, whilethe ingenious forms of petty insult that were devised against me andused in the children's presence would soon become palpable to them andcause continual pain. So, after a painful struggle with myself, Iresolved to give up the right of seeing them, feeling that thus onlycould I save them from constantly recurring conflict, destructive ofall happiness and of all respect for one or the other parent. Resolutely I turned my back on them that I might spare them trouble, and determined that, robbed of my own, I would be a mother to allhelpless children I could aid, and cure the pain at my own heart bysoothing the pain of others. 

As far as regards this whole struggle over the Knowlton pamphlet, victory was finally won all along the line. Not only did we, asrelated, recover all our seized pamphlets, and continue the sale tillall prosecution and threat of prosecution were definitely surrendered;but my own tract had an enormous sale, so that when I withdrew it fromsale in June, 1891, I was offered a large sum for the copyright, anoffer which I, of course, refused. Since that time not a copy has beensold with my knowledge or permission, but long ere that the pamphlethad received a very complete legal vindication. For while itcirculated untouched in England, a prosecution was attempted againstit in New South Wales, but was put an end to by an eloquent andluminous judgment by the senior puisne judge of the Supreme Court, Mr. Justice Windmeyer, in December, 1888. This judge, the most respectedin the great Australian colony, spoke out plainly and strongly on themorality of such teaching. "Take the case, " he said, "of a womanmarried to a drunken husband, steadily ruining his constitution andhastening to the drunkard's doom, loss of employment for himself, semi-starvation for his family, and finally death, without a shillingto leave those whom he has brought into the world, but armed with theauthority of the law to treat his wife as his slave, ever brutallyinsisting on the indulgence of his marital rights. Where is theimmorality, if, already broken in health from unresting maternity, having already a larger family than she can support when the miserablebreadwinner has drunk himself to death, the woman avails herself ofthe information given in this book, and so averts the consequences ofyielding to her husband's brutal insistence on his marital rights?Already weighted with a family that she is unable to decently bringup, the immorality, it seems to me, would be in the reckless andcriminal disregard of precautions which would prevent her bringinginto the world daughters whose future outlook as a career would beprostitution, or sons whose inherited taint of alcoholism would soondrag them down with their sisters to herd with the seething mass ofdegenerate and criminal humanity that constitutes the dangerousclasses of great cities. In all these cases the appeal is fromthoughtless, unreasoning prejudice to conscience, and, if listened to, its voice will be heard unmistakably indicating where the path of dutylies. "

The judge forcibly refused to be any party to the prohibition of sucha pamphlet, regarding it as of high service to the community. He said:"So strong is the dread of the world's censure upon this topic thatfew have the courage openly to express their views upon it; and itsnature is such that it is only amongst thinkers who discuss allsubjects, or amongst intimate acquaintances, that community of thoughtupon the question is discovered. But let any one inquire amongst thosewho have sufficient education and ability to think for themselves, andwho do not idly float, slaves to the current of conventional opinion, and he will discover that numbers of men and women of purest lives, ofnoblest aspirations, pious, cultivated, and refined, see no wrong inteaching the ignorant that it is wrong to bring into the worldchildren to whom they cannot do justice, and who think it folly tostop short in telling them simply and plainly how to prevent it. Amore robust view of morals teaches that it is puerile to ignore humanpassions and human physiology. A clearer perception of truth and thesafety of trusting to it teaches that in law, as in religion, it isuseless trying to limit the knowledge of mankind by any inquisitorialattempts to place upon a judicial Index Expurgatorius works writtenwith an earnest purpose, and commending themselves to thinkers ofwell-balanced minds. I will be no party to any such attempt. I do notbelieve that it was ever meant that the Obscene Publication Act shouldapply to cases of this kind, but only to the publication of suchmatter as all good men would regard as lewd and filthy, to lewd andbawdy novels, pictures and exhibitions, evidently published and givenfor lucre's sake. It could never have been intended to stifle theexpression of thought by the earnest-minded on a subject oftranscendent national importance like the present, and I will notstrain it for that purpose. As pointed out by Lord Cockburn in thecase of the Queen v. Bradlaugh and Besant, all prosecutions of thiskind should be regarded as mischievous, even by those who disapprovethe opinions sought to be stifled, inasmuch as they only tend morewidely to diffuse the teaching objected to. To those, on the otherhand, who desire its promulgation, it must be a matter ofcongratulation that this, like all attempted persecutions of thinkers, will defeat its own object, and that truth, like a torch, 'the moreit's shook it shines. '"

The argument of Mr. Justice Windmeyer for the Neo-Malthusian positionwas (as any one may see who reads the full text of the judgment) oneof the most luminous and cogent I have ever read. The judgment wasspoken of at the time in the English press as a "brilliant triumph forMrs. Besant, " and so I suppose it was; but no legal judgment couldundo the harm wrought on the public mind in England by malignant andpersistent misrepresentation. What that trial and its results cost mein pain no one but myself will ever know; on the other hand, there wasthe passionate gratitude evidenced by letters from thousands of poormarried women--many from the wives of country clergymen andcurates--thanking and blessing me for showing them how to escape fromthe veritable hell in which they lived. The "upper classes" of societyknow nothing about the way in which the poor live; how theirovercrowding destroys all sense of personal dignity, of modesty, ofoutward decency, till human life, as Bishop Fraser justly said, is"degraded below the level of the swine. " To such, and among such Iwent, and I could not grudge the price that then seemed to me as theransom for their redemption. To me, indeed, it meant the losing of allthat made life dear, but for them it seemed to be the gaining of allthat gave hope of a better future. So how could I hesitate--I whoseheart had been fired by devotion to an ideal Humanity, inspired bythat Materialism that is of love and not of hate?

And now, in August, 1893, we find the _Christian World, _ therepresentative organ of orthodox Christian Protestantism, proclaimingthe right and the duty of voluntary limitation of the family. In aleading article, after a number of letters had been inserted, itsaid:--

"The conditions are assuredly wrong which bring one member of themarried partnership into a bondage so cruel. It is no less evidentthat the cause of the bondage in such cases lies in the too rapidmultiplication of the family. There was a time when any idea ofvoluntary limitation was regarded by pious people as interfering withProvidence. We are beyond that now, and have become capable ofrecognising that Providence works through the common sense ofindividual brains. We limit population just as much by deferringmarriage from prudential motives as by any action that may be takenafter it. .. . Apart from certain methods of limitation, the morality ofwhich is gravely questioned by many, there are certaineasily-understood physiological laws of the subject, the failure toknow and to observe which is inexcusable on the part either of men orwomen in these circumstances. It is worth noting in this connectionthat Dr. Billings, in his article in this month's _Forum_, on thediminishing birth-rate of the United States, gives as one of thereasons the greater diffusion of intelligence, by means of popular andschool treatises on physiology, than formerly prevailed. "

Thus has opinion changed in sixteen years, and all the obloquy pouredon us is seen to have been the outcome of ignorance and bigotry. 

As for the children, what was gained by their separation from me? Themoment they were old enough to free themselves, they came back to me, my little girl's too brief stay with me being ended by her happymarriage, and I fancy the fears expressed for her eternal future willprove as groundless as the fears for her temporal ruin have proved tobe! Not only so, but both are treading in my steps as regards theirviews of the nature and destiny of man, and have joined in theirbright youth the Theosophical Society to which, after so manystruggles, I won my way. 

The struggle on the right to discuss the prudential restraint ofpopulation did not, however, conclude without a martyr. Mr. EdwardTruelove, alluded to above, was prosecuted for selling a treatise byRobert Dale Owen on "Moral Physiology, " and a pamphlet entitled, "Individual, Family, and National Poverty. " He was tried on February1, 1878, before the Lord Chief Justice in the Court of Queen's Bench, and was most ably defended by Professor W. A. Hunter. The jury spenttwo hours in considering their verdict, and returned into court andstated that they were unable to agree. The majority of the jury wereready to convict, if they felt sure that Mr. Truelove would not bepunished, but one of them boldly declared in court: "As to the book, it is written in plain language for plain people, and I think thatmany more persons ought to know what the contents of the book are. "The jury was discharged, in consequence of this one man's courage, butMr. Truelove's persecutors--the Vice Society--were determined not tolet their victim free. They proceeded to trial a second time, andwisely endeavoured to secure a special jury, feeling that asprudential restraint would raise wages by limiting the supply oflabour, they would be more likely to obtain a verdict from a jury of"gentlemen" than from one composed of workers. This attempt wascircumvented by Mr. Truelove's legal advisers, who let a _procedendo_go which sent back the trial to the Old Bailey. The second trial washeld on May 16th at the Central Criminal Court before Baron Pollockand a common jury, Professor Hunter and Mr. J. M. Davidson appearingfor the defence. The jury convicted, and the brave old man, sixty-eight years of age, was condemned to four months' imprisonmentand £50 fine for selling a pamphlet which had been sold unchallenged, during a period of forty-five years, by James Watson, George JacobHolyoake, Austin Holyoake, and Charles Watts. Mr. Grain, the counselemployed by the Vice Society, most unfairly used against Mr. Truelovemy "Law of Population, " a pamphlet which contained, Baron Pollocksaid, "the head and front of the offence in the other [the Knowlton]case. " I find an indignant protest against this odious unfairness inthe _National Reformer_ for May 19th: "My 'Law of Population' was usedagainst Mr. Truelove as an aggravation of his offence, passing overthe utter meanness--worthy only of Collette--of using against aprisoner a book whose author has never been attacked for writingit--does Mr. Collette, or do the authorities, imagine that theseverity shown to Mr. Truelove will in any fashion deter me fromcontinuing the Malthusian propaganda? Let me here assure them, one andall, that it will do nothing of the kind; I shall continue to sell the'Law of Population' and to advocate scientific checks to population, just as though Mr. Collette and his Vice Society were all dead andburied. In commonest justice they are bound to prosecute me, and ifthey get, and keep, a verdict against me, and succeed in sending me toprison, they will only make people more anxious to read my book, andmake me more personally powerful as a teacher of the views which theyattack. "

A persistent attempt was made to obtain a writ of error in Mr. Truelove's case, but the Tory Attorney-General, Sir John Holker, refused it, although the ground on which it was asked was one of thegrounds on which a similar writ had been granted to Mr. Bradlaugh andmyself. Mr. Truelove was therefore compelled to suffer his sentence, but memorials, signed by 11, 000 persons, asking for his release, weresent to the Home Secretary from every part of the country, and acrowded meeting in St. James's Hall, London, demanded his liberationwith only six dissentients. The whole agitation did not shorten Mr. Truelove's sentence by a single day, and he was not released fromColdbath Fields Prison until September 5th. On the 12th of the samemonth the Hall of Science was crowded with enthusiastic friends, whoassembled to do him honour, and he was presented with abeautifully-illuminated address and a purse containing £177(subsequent subscriptions raised the amount to £197 16s. 6d. ). 

It is scarcely necessary to say that one of the results of theprosecution was a great agitation throughout the country, and a widepopularisation of Malthusian views. Some huge demonstrations were heldin favour of free discussion; on one occasion the Free Trade Hall, Manchester, was crowded to the doors; on another the Star Music Hall, Bradford, was crammed in every corner; on another the Town Hall, Birmingham, had not a seat or a bit of standing-room unoccupied. Wherever we went, separately or together, it was the same story, andnot only were Malthusian lectures eagerly attended, and Malthusianliterature eagerly bought, but curiosity brought many to listen to ourRadical and Freethought lectures, and thousands heard for the firsttime what Secularism really meant. The Press, both London andprovincial, agreed in branding the prosecution as foolish, and it wasgenerally remarked that it resulted only in the wider circulation ofthe indicted book, and the increased popularity of those who had stoodfor the right of publication. The furious attacks since made upon ushave been made chiefly by those who differ from us in theologicalcreed, and who have found a misrepresentation of our prosecutionserved them as a convenient weapon of attack. During the last fewyears public opinion has been gradually coming round to our side, inconsequence of the pressure of poverty resulting from widespreaddepression of trade, and during the sensation caused in 1884 by "TheBitter Cry of Outcast London, " many writers in the _DailyNews_--notably Mr. G. R. Sims--boldly alleged that the distress was toa great extent due to the large families of the poor, and mentionedthat we had been prosecuted for giving the very knowledge which wouldbring salvation to the sufferers in our great cities. 

Among the useful results of the prosecution was the establishment ofthe Malthusian League, "to agitate for the abolition of all penaltieson the public discussion of the population question, " and "to spreadamong the people, by all practicable means, a knowledge of the law ofpopulation, of its consequences, and of its bearing upon human conductand morals. " The first general meeting of the League was held at theHall of Science on July 26, 1877, and a council of twenty persons waselected, and this council on August 2nd elected Dr. C. R. Drysdale, M. D. , President; Mr. Swaagman, Treasurer; Mrs. Besant, Secretary; Mr. Shearer, Assistant-Secretary; and Mr. Hember, Financial Secretary. Since 1877 the League, under the same indefatigable president, hasworked hard to carry out its objects; it has issued a large number ofleaflets and tracts; it supports a monthly journal, the _Malthusian;_numerous lectures have been delivered under its auspices in all partsof the country; and it has now a medical branch, into which none butduly qualified medical men and women are admitted, with members in allEuropean countries. 

Another result of the prosecution was the accession of "D. " to thestaff of the _National Reformer_. This able and thoughtful writer cameforward and joined our ranks as soon as he heard of the attack on us, and he further volunteered to conduct the journal during our expectedimprisonment. From that time to this--a period of fifteenyears--articles from his pen appeared in its columns week by week, andduring all that time not one solitary difficulty arose between editorsand contributor. In public a trustworthy colleague, in private a warmand sincere friend, "D. " proved an unmixed benefit bestowed upon us bythe prosecution. 

Nor was "D. " the only friend brought to us by our foes. I cannot everthink of that time without remembering that the prosecution brought mefirst into close intimacy with Mrs. Annie Parris--the wife of Mr. Touzeau Parris, the Secretary of the Defence Committee throughout allthe fight--a lady who, during that long struggle, and during the, forme, far worse struggle that succeeded it, over the custody of mydaughter, proved to me the most loving and sisterly of friends. One ortwo other friendships which will, I hope, last my life, date from thatsame time of strife and anxiety. 

The amount of money subscribed by the public during the Knowlton andsucceeding prosecutions gives some idea of the interest felt in thestruggle. The Defence Fund Committee in March, 1878, presented abalance-sheet, showing subscriptions amounting to £1, 292 5s. 4d. , andtotal expenditure in the Queen v. Bradlaugh and Besant, the Queen v. Truelove, and the appeal against Mr. Vaughan's order (the last two upto date) of £1, 274 10s. This account was then closed and the balanceof £17 15s. 4d. Passed on to a new fund for the defence of Mr. Truelove, the carrying on of the appeal against the destruction of theKnowlton pamphlet, and the bearing of the costs incident on thepetition lodged against myself. In July this new fund had reached £19616s. 7d. , and after paying the remainder of the costs in Mr. Truelove's case, a balance of £26 15s. 2d. Was carried on. This againrose to £247 15s. 2-1/2d. , and the fund bore the expenses of Mr. Bradlaugh's successful appeal on the Knowlton pamphlet, the petitionand subsequent proceedings in which I was concerned in the Court ofChancery, and an appeal on Mr. Truelove's behalf, unfortunatelyunsuccessful, against an order for the destruction of the Dale Owenpamphlet. This last decision was given on February 21, 1880, and onthis the Defence Fund was closed. On Mr. Truelove's release, asmentioned above, a testimonial to the amount of £197 16s. 6d. Waspresented to him, and after the close of the struggle some anonymousfriend sent to me personally £200 as "thanks for the courage andability shown. " In addition to all this, the Malthusian Leaguereceived no less than £455 11s. 9d. During the first year of its life, and started on its second year with a balance in hand of £77 5s. 8d. 

A somewhat similar prosecution in America, in which the bookseller, Mr. D. M. Bennett, sold a book with which he did not agree, and wasimprisoned, led to our giving him a warm welcome when, after hisrelease, he visited England. We entertained him at the Hall of Scienceat a crowded gathering, and I was deputed as spokesman to present himwith a testimonial. This I did in the following speech, quoted here inorder to show the spirit then animating me:--

"Friends, Mr. Bradlaugh has spoken of the duty that calls us hereto-night. It is pleasant to think that in our work that duty is one towhich we are not unaccustomed. In our army there are more truesoldiers than traitors, more that are faithful to the trust of keepingthe truth than those who shrink when the hour of danger comes. And Iwould ask Mr. Bennett to-night not to measure English feeling towardshim by the mere number of those present. They that are here arerepresentatives of many thousands of our fellow-countrymen. Glancedown this middle table, and you will see that it is not without someright that we claim to welcome you in the name of multitudes of thecitizens of England. There are those who taunt us with want ofloyalty, and with the name of infidels. In what church will they findmen and women more loyal to truth and conscience? The name infidel isnot for us so long as we are faithful to the truth we know. If Ispeak, as I have done, of national representation in this hall thisevening, tell me, you who know those who sit here, who have watchedsome of them for years, others of them but for a brief time, do I notspeak truth? Take them one by one. Your President but a little whileago in circumstances similar to those wherein our guest himself wasplaced, with the true lover's keenness that recognises the mistressunder all disguise, beholding his mistress Liberty in danger, undercircumstances that would have blinded less sure eyes, leapt to herrescue. He risked the ambition of his life rather than be disloyal toliberty. And next is seated a woman, who, student of a nobleprofession, thought that liberty had greater claim upon her than evenher work. When we stood in worse peril than even loss of liberty, sherisked her own good name for the truth's sake. One also is here who, eminent in his own profession, came with the weight of his positionand his right to speak, and gave a kindred testimony. One stepfurther, and you see one who, soldier to liberty, throughout a longand spotless life, when the task was far harder than it is to-day, when there were no greetings, no welcomes, when to serve was to perilname as well as liberty, never flinched from the first until now. Heis crowned with the glory of the jail, that was his for no crime butfor claiming the right to publish that wherein the noblest thought isuttered in the bravest words. And next to him is another who speaksfor liberty, who has brought culture, university degree, position inmen's sight, and many friends, and cast them all at her beloved feet. Sir, not alone the past and the present greet you to-night. The futurealso greets you with us. We have here also those who are trainingthemselves to walk in the footsteps of the one most dear to them, whoshall carry on, when we have passed away, the work which we shall havedropped from our hands. But he whom we delight to honour at this hourin truth honours us, in that he allows us to offer him the welcomethat it is our glory and our pleasure to give. He has fought bravely. The Christian creed had in its beginning more traitors and less truehearts than the creed of to-day. We are happy to-day not only in thethought of what manner of men we have for leaders, but in the thoughtof what manner of men we have as soldiers in our army. Jesus hadtwelve apostles. One betrayed Him for thirty pieces of silver; asecond denied Him. They all forsook Him and fled. We can scarcelypoint to one who has thus deserted our sacred cause. The traditions ofour party tell us of many who went to jail because they claimed forall that right of free speech which is the heritage of all. One of themost famous members of our body in England, Richard Carlile, turnedbookseller to sell books that were prosecuted. This man becameFree-thinker, driven thereto by the bigotry and wickedness of theChurches. He sold the books of Hone not because he agreed with them, but because Hone was prosecuted. He saw that the book in whoseprosecution freedom was attacked was the book for the freeman to sell;and the story of our guest shows that in all this England and Americaare one. Those who gave Milton to the world can yet bring forth men ofthe same stamp in continents leagues asunder. Because our friend wasloyal and true, prison had to him no dread. It was far, far less ofdishonour to wear the garb of the convict than to wear that of thehypocrite. The society we represent, like his society in America, pleads for free thought, speaks for free speech, claims for every one, however antagonistic, the right to speak the thought he feels. It isbetter that this should be, even though the thought be wrong, for thusthe sooner will its error be discovered--better if the thought beright, for then the sooner does the gladness of a new truth find placein the heart of man. As the mouthpiece, Sir, of our National SecularSociety, and of its thousands of members, I speak to you now:--

"'ADDRESS. 

"'_We seek for Truth_. '

"'To D. M. Bennett. 

"'In asking you to accept at the hands of the National Secular Societyof England this symbol of cordial sympathy and brotherly welcome, weare but putting into act the motto of our Society. "We seek for Truth"is our badge, and it is as Truthseeker that we do you homage to-night. Without free speech no search for Truth is possible; without freespeech no discovery of Truth is useful; without free speech progressis checked, and the nations no longer march forward towards the noblerlife which the future holds for man. Better a thousandfold abuse offree speech than denial of free speech. The abuse dies in a day; thedenial slays the life of the people and entombs the hope of the race. 

"'In your own country you have pleaded for free speech, and when, under a wicked and an odious law, one of your fellow-citizens wasimprisoned for the publication of his opinions, you, not sharing theopinions but faithful to liberty, sprang forward to defend in him theprinciple of free speech which you claimed for yourself, and sold hisbook while he lay in prison. For this act you were in turn arrestedand sent to jail, and the country which won its freedom by the aid ofPaine in the eighteenth century disgraced itself in the nineteenth bythe imprisonment of a heretic. The Republic of the United Statesdishonoured herself, and not you, in Albany penitentiary. Two hundredthousand of your countrymen pleaded for your release, but bigotry wastoo strong. We sent you greeting in your captivity; we rejoiced whenthe time came for your release. We offer you to-night our thanks andour hope--thanks for the heroism which never flinched in the hour ofbattle, hope for a more peaceful future, in which the memory of a pastpain may be a sacred heritage and not a regret. 

"'Charles Bradlaugh, _President_. '

"Soldier of liberty, we give you this. Do in the future the same goodservice that you have done in the past, and your reward shall be inthe love that true men shall bear to you. "

That, however, which no force could compel me to do, which I refusedto threats of fine and prison, to separation from my children, tosocial ostracism, and to insults and ignominy worse to bear thandeath, I surrendered freely when all the struggle was over, and agreat part of society and of public opinion had adopted the view thatcost Mr. Bradlaugh and myself so dear. I may as well complete thestory here, so as not to have to refer to it again. I gave upNeo-Malthusianism in April, 1891, its renunciation being part of theoutcome of two years' instruction from Mdme. H. P. Blavatsky, whoshowed me that however justifiable Neo-Malthusianism might be whileman was regarded only as the most perfect outcome of physicalevolution, it was wholly incompatible with the view of man as aspiritual being, whose material form and environment were the resultsof his own mental activity. Why and how I embraced Theosophy, andaccepted H. P. Blavatsky as teacher, will soon be told in its properplace. Here I am concerned only with the why and how of myrenunciation of the Neo-Malthusian teaching, for which I had fought sohard and suffered so much. 

When I built my life on the basis of Materialism I judged all actionsby their effect on human happiness in this world now and in futuregenerations, regarding man as an organism that lived on earth andthere perished, with activities confined to earth and limited byphysical laws. The object of life was the ultimate building-up of aphysically, mentally, morally perfect man by the cumulative effects ofheredity--mental and moral tendencies being regarded as the outcome ofmaterial conditions, to be slowly but surely evolved by rationalselection and the transmission to offspring of qualities carefullyacquired by, and developed in, parents. The most characteristic noteof this serious and lofty Materialism had been struck by Professor W. K. Clifford in his noble article on the "Ethics of Belief. "

Taking this view of human duty in regard to the rational co-operationwith nature in the evolution of the human race, it became of the firstimportance to rescue the control of the generation of offspring frommere blind brute passion, and to transfer it to the reason and to theintelligence; to impress on parents the sacredness of the parentaloffice, the tremendous responsibility of the exercise of the creativefunction. And since, further, one of the most pressing problems forsolution in the older countries is that of poverty, the horrible slumsand dens into which are crowded and in which are festering families ofeight and ten children, whose parents are earning an uncertain 10s. , 12s. , 15s. , and 20s. A week; since an immediate palliative is wanted, if popular risings impelled by starvation are to be avoided; since thelives of men and women of the poorer classes, and of the worst paidprofessional classes, are one long, heart-breaking struggle "to makeboth ends meet and keep respectable"; since in the middle classmarriage is often avoided, or delayed till late in life, from thedread of the large family, and late marriage is followed by itsshadow, the prevalence of vice and the moral and social ruin ofthousands of women; for these, and many other reasons, the teaching ofthe duty of limiting the family within the means of subsistence is thelogical outcome of Materialism linked with the scientific view ofevolution, and with a knowledge of the physical law, by whichevolution is accelerated or retarded. Seeking to improve the physicaltype, scientific Materialism, it seemed to me, must forbid parentageto any but healthy married couples; it must restrict childbearingwithin the limits consistent with the thorough health and physicalwell-being of the mother; it must impose it as a duty never to bringchildren into the world unless the conditions for their fair nurtureand development are present. Regarding it as hopeless, as well asmischievous, to preach asceticism, and looking on the conjunction ofnominal celibacy with widespread prostitution as inevitable, from theconstitution of human nature, scientific Materialism--quite rationallyand logically--advises deliberate restriction of the production ofoffspring, while sanctioning the exercise of the sexual instinctwithin the limits imposed by temperance, the highest physical andmental efficiency, the good order and dignity of society, and theself-respect of the individual. 

In all this there is nothing which for one moment implies approval oflicentiousness, profligacy, unbridled self-indulgence. On thecontrary, it is a well-considered and intellectually-defensible schemeof human evolution, regarding all natural instincts as matters forregulation, not for destruction, and seeking to develop the perfectlyhealthy and well-balanced physical body as the necessary basis for thehealthy and well-balanced mind. If the premises of Materialism betrue, there is no answer to the Neo-Malthusian conclusions; for eventhose Socialists who have bitterly opposed the promulgation ofNeo-Malthusianism--regarding it as a "red herring intended to draw theattention of the proletariat away from the real cause of poverty, themonopoly of land and capital by a class"--admit that when society isbuilt on the foundation of common property in all that is necessaryfor the production of wealth, the time will come for the considerationof the population question. Nor do I now see, any more than I sawthen, how any Materialist can rationally avoid the Neo-Malthusianposition. For if man be the outcome of purely physical causes, it iswith these that we must deal in guiding his future evolution. If he berelated but to terrestrial existence, he is but the loftiest organismof earth; and, failing to see his past and his future, how should myeyes not have been then blinded to the deep-lying causes of hispresent woe? I brought a material cure to a disease which appeared tome to be of material origin; but how when the evil came from a subtlersource, and its causes lay not on the material plane? How if theremedy only set up new causes for a future evil, and, whileimmediately a palliative, strengthened the disease itself, and ensuredits reappearance in the future? This was the view of the problem setbefore me by H. P. Blavatsky when she unrolled the story of man, toldof his origin and his destiny, showed me the forces that went to themaking of man, and the true relation between his past, his present, and his future. 

For what is man in the light of Theosophy? He is a spiritualintelligence, eternal and uncreate, treading a vast cycle of humanexperience, born and reborn on earth millennium after millennium, evolving slowly into the ideal man. He is not the product of matter, but is encased in matter, and the forms of matter with which heclothes himself are of his own making. For the intelligence and willof man are creative forces--not creative _ex nihilo_, but creative asis the brain of the painter--and these forces are exercised by man inevery act of thought. Thus he is ever creating round himthought-forms, moulding subtlest matter into shape by these energies, forms which persist as tangible realities when the body of the thinkerhas long gone back to earth and air and water. When the time forrebirth into this earth-life comes for the soul these thought-forms, its own progeny, help to form the tenuous model into which themolecules of physical matter are builded for the making of the body, and matter is thus moulded for the new body in which the soul is todwell, on the lines laid down by the intelligent and volitional lifeof the previous, or of many previous, incarnations. So does each mancreate for himself in verity the form wherein he functions, and whathe is in his present is the inevitable outcome of his own creativeenergies in his past. Applying this to the Neo-Malthusian theory, wesee in sexual love not only a passion which man has in common with thebrute, and which forms, at the present stage of evolution, a necessarypart of human nature, but an animal passion that may be trained andpurified into a human emotion, which may be used as one of the leversin human progress, one of the factors in human growth. But, instead ofthis, man in the past has made his intellect the servant of hispassions; the abnormal development of the sexual instinct in man--inwhom it is far greater and more continuous than in any brute--is dueto the mingling with it of the intellectual element, all sexualthoughts, desires, and imaginations having created thought-forms, which have been wrought into the human race, giving rise to acontinual demand, far beyond nature, and in marked contrast with thetemperance of normal animal life. Hence it has become one of the mostfruitful sources of human misery and human degradation, and thesatisfaction of its imperious cravings in civilised countries lies atthe root of our worst social evils. This excessive development has tobe fought against, and the instinct reduced within natural limits, andthis will certainly never be done by easy-going self-indulgence withinthe marital relation any more than by self-indulgence outside it. Bynone other road than that of self-control and self-denial can men andwomen now set going the causes which will build for them brains andbodies of a higher type for their future return to earth-life. Theyhave to hold this instinct in complete control, to transmute it frompassion into tender and self-denying affection, to develop theintellectual at the expense of the animal, and thus to raise the wholeman to the human stage, in which every intellectual and physicalcapacity shall subserve the purposes of the soul. From all this itfollows that Theosophists should sound the note of self-restraintwithin marriage, and the gradual--for with the mass it cannot besudden--restriction of the sexual relation to the perpetuation of therace. 

Such was the bearing of Theosophical teaching on Neo-Malthusianism, aslaid before me by H. P. Blavatsky, and when I urged, out of my bitterknowledge of the miseries endured by the poor, that it surely might, for a time at least, be recommended as a palliative, as a defence inthe hands of a woman against intolerable oppression and enforcedsuffering, she bade me look beyond the moment, and see how thesuffering must come back and back with every generation, unless wesought to remove the roots of wrong. "I do not judge a woman, " shesaid, "who has resort to such means of defence in the midst ofcircumstances so evil, and whose ignorance of the real causes of allthis misery is her excuse for snatching at any relief. But it is notfor you, an Occultist, to continue to teach a method which you nowknow must tend to the perpetuation of the sorrow. " I felt that she wasright, and though I shrank from the decision--for my heart somewhatfailed me at withdrawing from the knowledge of the poor, so far as Icould, a temporary palliative of evils which too often wreck theirlives and bring many to an early grave, worn old before even middleage has touched them--yet the decision was made. I refused to reprintthe "Law of Population, " or to sell the copyright, giving pain, as Isadly knew, to all the brave and loyal friends who had so generouslystood by me in that long and bitter struggle, and who saw the resultsof victory thrown away on grounds to them inadequate and mistaken!Will it always be, I wonder, in man's climbing upward, that every stepmust be set on his own heart and on the hearts of those he loves?

CHAPTER X. 

AT WAR ALL ROUND. 

Coming back to my work after my long and dangerous illness, I took upagain its thread, heartsick, but with courage unshaken, and I findmyself in the _National Reformer_ for September 15, 1878, saying in abrief note of thanks that "neither the illness nor the trouble whichproduced it has in any fashion lessened my determination to work forthe cause. " In truth, I plunged into work with added vigour, for onlyin that did I find any solace, but the pamphlets written at this timeagainst Christianity were marked with considerable bitterness, for itwas Christianity that had robbed me of my child, and I struckmercilessly at it in return. In the political struggles of that time, when the Beaconsfield Government was in full swing, with its policy ofannexation and aggression, I played my part with tongue and pen, andmy articles in defence of an honest and liberty-loving policy inIndia, against the invasion of Afghanistan and other outrages, laid inmany an Indian heart a foundation of affection for me, and seem to menow as a preparation for the work among Indians to which much of mytime and thought to-day are given. In November of this same year(1878) I wrote a little book on "England, India, and Afghanistan" thathas brought me many a warm letter of thanks, and with this, thecarrying on of the suit against Mr. Besant before alluded to, two andoften three lectures every Sunday, to say nothing of the editorialwork on the _National Reformer_, the secretarial work on theMalthusian League, and stray lectures during the week, my time wasfairly well filled. But I found that in my reading I developed atendency to let my thoughts wander from the subject in hand, and thatthey would drift after my lost little one, so I resolved to fill upthe gaps in my scientific education, and to amuse myself by reading upfor some examinations; I thought it would serve as an absorbing formof recreation from my other work, and would at the same time, bymaking my knowledge exact, render me more useful as a speaker onbehalf of the causes to which my life was given. 

At the opening of the new year (1879) I met for the first time a manto whom I subsequently owed much in this department of work--Edward B. Aveling, a D. Sc. Of London University, and a marvellously able teacherof scientific subjects, the very ablest, in fact, that I have evermet. Clear and accurate in his knowledge, with a singular gift forlucid exposition, enthusiastic in his love of science, and takingvivid pleasure in imparting his knowledge to others, he was an idealteacher. This young man, in January, 1879, began writing underinitials for the _National Reformer_, and in February I became hispupil, with the view of matriculating in June at the LondonUniversity, an object which was duly accomplished. And here let me sayto any one in mental trouble, that they might find an immense reliefin taking up some intellectual recreation of this kind; during thatspring, in addition to my ordinary work of writing, lecturing, andediting--and the lecturing meant travelling from one end of England tothe other--I translated a fair-sized French volume, and had thewear-and-tear of pleading my case for the custody of my daughter inthe Court of Appeal, as well as the case before the Master of theRolls; and I found it the very greatest relief to turn to algebra, geometry, and physics, and forget the harassing legal struggles inwrestling with formulae and problems. The full access I gained to mychildren marked a step in the long battle of Freethinkers againstdisabilities, for, as noted in the _National Reformer_ by Mr. Bradlaugh, it was "won with a pleading unequalled in any case onrecord for the boldness of its affirmation of Freethought, " a pleadingof which he generously said that it deserved well of the party as "themost powerful pleading for freedom of opinion to which it has everbeen our good fortune to listen. "

In the London _Daily News_ some powerful letters of protest appeared, one from Lord Harberton, in which he declared that "the Inquisitionacted on no other principle" than that applied to me; and a secondfrom Mr. Band, in which he sarcastically observed that "this Christiancommunity has for some time had the pleasure of seeing her Majesty'scourts repeatedly springing engines of torture upon a young mother--aclergyman's wife who dared to disagree with his creed--and her evidentanguish, her long and expensive struggles to save her child, haveproved that so far as heretical mothers are concerned modern defendersof the faith need not envy the past those persuasive instruments whichso long secured the unity of the Church. In making Mrs. Besant anexample, the Master of the Rolls and Lord Justice James have beencareful not to allow any of the effect to be lost by confusion of themain point--the intellectual heresy--with side questions. There was aMalthusian matter in the case, but the judges were very clear instating that without any reference whatever to that, they wouldsimply, on the ground of Mrs. Besant's 'religious, or anti-religious, opinions, ' take her child from her. " The great provincial papers tooka similar tone, the _Manchester Examiner_ going so far as to say ofthe ruling of the judges: "We do not say they have done so wrongly. Weonly say that the effect of their judgment is cruel, and it shows thatthe holding of unpopular opinions is, in the eye of the law, anoffence which, despite all we had thought to the contrary, may bevisited with the severest punishment a woman and a mother can bepossibly called on to bear. " The outcome of all this long struggle andof another case of sore injustice--in which Mrs. Agar-Ellis, a RomanCatholic, was separated from her children by a judicial decisionobtained against her by her husband, a Protestant--was a change in thelaw which had vested all power over the children in the hands of thefather, and from thenceforth the rights of the married mother wererecognised to a limited extent. A small side-fight was with theNational Sunday League, the president of which, Lord Thurlow, stronglyobjected to me as one of the vice-presidents. Mr. P. A. Taylor andothers at once resigned their offices, and, on the calling of ageneral meeting, Lord Thurlow was rejected as president. Mr. P. A. Taylor was requested to assume the presidency, and the vice-presidentswho had resigned were, with myself, re-elected. Little battles of thissort were a running accompaniment of graver struggles during all thesebattling years. 

And through all the struggles the organised strength of theFreethought party grew, 650 new members being enrolled in the NationalSecular Society in the year 1878-79, and in July, 1879, the publicadhesion of Dr. Edward B. Aveling brought into the ranks a pen of rareforce and power, and gave a strong impulse to the educational side ofour movement. I presided for him at his first lecture at the Hall ofScience on August 10, 1879, and he soon paid the penalty of hisboldness, finding himself, a few months later, dismissed from theChair of Comparative Anatomy at the London Hospital, though the Boardadmitted that all his duties were discharged with punctuality andability. One of the first results of his adhesion was theestablishment of two classes under the Science and Art Department atSouth Kensington, and these grew year after year, attended by numbersof young men and women, till in 1883 we had thirteen classes in fullswing, as well as Latin, and London University Matriculation classes;all these were taught by Dr. Aveling and pupils that he had trained. Itook advanced certificates, one in honours, and so became qualified asa science teacher in eight different sciences, and Alice and HypatiaBradlaugh followed a similar course, so that winter after winter wekept these classes going from September to the following May, from1879 until the year 1888. In addition to these Miss Bradlaugh carriedon a choral union. 

Personally I found that this study and teaching together withattendance at classes held for teachers at South Kensington, the studyfor passing the First B. Sc. And Prel. Sc. Examinations at LondonUniversity, and the study for the B. Sc. Degree at London, at which Ifailed in practical chemistry three times--a thing that puzzled me nota little at the time, as I had passed a far more difficult practicalchemical examination for teachers at South Kensington--all this gaveme a knowledge of science that has stood me in good stead in my publicwork. But even here theological and social hatred pursued me. 

When Miss Bradlaugh and myself applied for permission to attend thebotany class at University College, we were refused, I for my sins, and she only for being her father's daughter; when I had qualified asteacher, I stood back from claiming recognition from the Departmentfor a year in order not to prejudice the claims of Mr. Bradlaugh'sdaughters, and later, when I had been recognised, Sir Henry Tyler inthe House of Commons attacked the Education Department for acceptingme, and actually tried to prevent the Government grant being paid tothe Hall of Science Schools because Dr. Aveling, the Misses Bradlaugh, and myself were unbelievers in Christianity. When I asked permissionto go to the Botanical Gardens in Regent's Park the curator refusedit, on the ground that his daughters studied there. On every siderepulse and insult, hard to struggle against, bitter to bear. It wasagainst difficulties of this kind on every side that we had to makeour way, handicapped in every effort by our heresy. Let our work be asgood as it might--and our Science School was exceptionallysuccessful--the subtle fragrance of heresy was everywheredistinguishable, and when Mr. Bradlaugh and myself are blamed forbitterness in our anti-Christian advocacy, this constant gnawingannoyance and petty persecution should be taken into account. For himit was especially trying, for he saw his daughters--girls of abilityand of high character, whose only crime was that they werehis--insulted, sneered at, slandered, continually put at adisadvantage, because they were his children and loved and honouredhim beyond all others. 

It was in October, 1879, that I first met Herbert Burrows, though Idid not become intimately acquainted with him till the Socialisttroubles of the autumn of 1887 drew us into a common stream of work. He came as a delegate from the Tower Hamlets Radical Association to apreliminary conference, called by Mr. Bradlaugh, at the Hall ofScience, on October 11th, to consider the advisability of holding agreat London Convention on Land Law Reform, to be attended bydelegates from all parts of the kingdom. He was appointed on theExecutive Committee with Mr. Bradlaugh, Mr. Mottershead, Mr. Nieass, and others. The Convention was successfully held, and an advancedplatform of Land Law Reform adopted, used later by Mr. Bradlaugh as abasis for some of the proposals he laid before Parliament. 

CHAPTER XI. 

MR. BRADLAUGH'S STRUGGLE. 

And now dawned the year 1880, the memorable year in which commencedMr. Bradlaugh's long Parliamentary battle. After a long and bitterstruggle he was elected, with Mr. Labouchere, as member forNorthampton, at the general election, and so the prize so long foughtfor was won. Shall I ever forget that election day, April 2, 1880? Howat four o'clock Mr. Bradlaugh came into the room at the "George", where his daughters and I were sitting, flung himself into a chairwith, "There's nothing more to do; our last man is polled. " Then thewaiting for the declaration through the long, weary hours of suspense, till as the time drew near we knelt by the window listening--listeningto the hoarse murmur of the crowd, knowing that presently there wouldbe a roar of triumph or a howl of anger when the numbers were read outfrom the steps of the Town Hall. And now silence sank, and we knew themoment had come, and we held our breath, and then--a roar, a wild roarof joy and exultation, cheer after cheer, ringing, throbbing, pealing, and then the mighty surge of the crowd bringing him back, their memberat last, waving hats, handkerchiefs, a very madness of tumultuousdelight, and the shrill strains of "Bradlaugh for Northampton!" with aring of triumph in them they had never had before. And he, very grave, somewhat shaken by the outpour of love and exultation, very silent, feeling the weight of new responsibility more than the gladness ofvictory. And then the next morning, as he left the town, the mass ofmen and women, one sea of heads from hotel to station, every windowcrowded, his colours waving everywhere, men fighting to get near him, to touch him, women sobbing, the cries, "Our Charlie, our Charlie;we've got you and we'll keep you. " How they loved him, how they joyedin the triumph won after twelve years of strife. Ah me! we thought thestruggle over, and it was only beginning; we thought our herovictorious, and a fiercer, crueller fight lay in front. True, he wasto win that fight, but his life was to be the price of the winning;victory for him was to be final, complete, but the laurel-wreath wasto fall upon a grave. 

[Illustration: _From a photograph by T. Westley, 57, Vernon Street, Northampton. _ CHARLES BRADLAUGH AND HENRY LABOUCHERE. ]

The outburst of anger from the more bigoted of the Christian communitywas as savage as the outburst of delight had been exultant, but werecked little of it. Was he not member, duly elected, withoutpossibility of assailment in his legal right? Parliament was to meeton April 29th, the swearing-in beginning on the following day, and Mr. Bradlaugh had taken counsel with some other Freethinking members as tothe right of Freethinkers to affirm. He held that under the Act 29 and30 Vict. C. 19, and the Evidence Amendment Acts 1869 and 1870, theright to substitute affirmation for oath was clear; he was willing totake the oath as a necessary form if obligatory, but, believing it tobe optional, he preferred affirmation. On May 3rd he presented himselfand, according to the evidence of Sir Erskine May, the Clerk of theHouse, given before the second Select Committee on his case, he "cameto the table and delivered the following statement in writing to theClerk: 'To the Right Honourable the Speaker of the House of Commons. I, the undersigned, Charles Bradlaugh, beg respectfully to claim to beallowed to affirm, as a person for the time being by law permitted tomake a solemn affirmation or declaration, instead of taking an oath. (Signed) Charles Bradlaugh. ' And being asked by the Clerk upon whatgrounds he claimed to make an affirmation, he answered: 'By virtue ofthe Evidence Amendment Acts, 1869 and 1870. ' Whereupon the Clerkreported to Mr. Speaker" the claim, and Mr. Speaker told Mr. Bradlaughthat he might address the House on the matter. "Mr. Bradlaugh'sobservations were very short. He repeated that he relied upon theEvidence Further Amendment Act, 1869, and the Evidence Amendment Act, 1870, adding: 'I have repeatedly, for nine years past, made anaffirmation in the highest courts of jurisdiction in this realm. I amready to make such a declaration or affirmation. ' Substantially thosewere the words which he addressed to the Speaker. " This was thesimple, quiet, and dignified scene which took place in the House. Mr. Bradlaugh was directed to withdraw, and he withdrew, and, afterdebate, a Select Committee was appointed to consider whether he couldmake affirmation; that Committee decided against the claim, and gavein its report on May 20th. On the following day Mr. Bradlaughpresented himself at the table of the House to take the oath in theform prescribed by the law, and on the objection of Sir Henry DrummondWolff, who submitted a motion that he should not be allowed to takethe oath, another Committee was appointed. 

Before this Committee Mr. Bradlaugh stated his case, and pointed outthat the legal obligation lay on him to take the oath, adding: "Anyform that I went through, any oath that I took, I should regard asbinding upon my conscience in the fullest degree. I would go throughno form, I would take no oath, unless I meant it to be so binding. " Hewrote in the same sense to the _Times_, saying that he should regardhimself "as bound, not by the letter of its words, but by the spiritwhich the affirmation would have conveyed, had I been permitted to useit. " The Committee reported against him, and on June 23rd he was heardat the Bar of the House, and made a speech so self-restrained, sonoble, so dignified, that the House, in defiance of all its own rules, broke out over and over again into applause. In the debate thatpreceded his speech, members had lost sight of the ordinary rules ofdecency, and had used expressions against myself wholly gratuitous insuch a quarrel; the grave rebuke to him who "was wanting in chivalry, because, while I can answer for myself and am able to answer formyself, nothing justified the introduction of any other name beside myown to make prejudice against me, " brought irrepressible cheers. Hisappeal was wholly to the law. "I have not yet used--I trust no passionmay tempt me into using--any words that would seem to savour of even adesire to enter into conflict with this House. I have always taught, preached, and believed the supremacy of Parliament, and it is notbecause for a moment the judgment of one Chamber of Parliament shouldbe hostile to me that I am going to deny the ideas I have always held;but I submit that one Chamber of Parliament--even its grandestChamber, as I have always held this to be--had no right to overridethe law. The law gives me the right to sign that roll, to take andsubscribe the oath, and to take my seat there [with a gesture towardsthe benches]. I admit that the moment I am in the House, without anyreason but your own good will, you can send me away. That is yourright. You have full control over your members. But you cannot send meaway until I have been heard in my place, not a suppliant as I am now, but with the rightful audience that each member has always had. .. . Iam ready to admit, if you please, for the sake of argument, that everyopinion I hold is wrong and deserves punishment. Let the law punishit. If you say the law cannot, then you admit that you have no right, and I appeal to public opinion against the iniquity of a decisionwhich overrides the law and denies me justice. I beg your pardon, sir, and that of the House too, if in this warmth there seems to lackrespect for its dignity. And as I shall have, if your decision beagainst me, to come to that table when your decision is given, I begyou, before the step is taken in which we may both lose ourdignity--mine is not much, but yours is that of the Commons ofEngland--I beg you, before the gauntlet is fatally thrown, I beg you, not in any sort of menace, not in any sort of boast, but as one managainst six hundred, to give me that justice which on the other sideof this hall the judges would give me, were I pleading there beforethem. "

But no eloquence, no plea for justice, could stay the tide of Tory andreligious bigotry, and the House voted that he should not be allowedto take the oath. Summoned to the table to hear the decisioncommunicated by the Speaker, he answered that decision with the wordsfirmly spoken: "I respectfully refuse to obey the order of the House, because that order was against the law. " The Speaker appealed to theHouse for direction, and on a division--during which the Speaker andCharles Bradlaugh were left together in the chamber--the House orderedthe enforcement of Mr. Bradlaugh's withdrawal. Once more the order isgiven, once more the refusal made, and then the Serjeant-at-Arms wasbidden to remove him. Strange was the scene as little Captain Cossetwalked up to the member of Herculean proportions, and men wondered howthe order would be enforced; but Charles Bradlaugh was not the man tomake a vulgar brawl, and the light touch on his shoulder was to himthe touch of an authority he admitted and to which he bowed. So hegravely accompanied his small captor, and was lodged in the ClockTower of the House as prisoner until the House should further considerwhat to do with him--the most awkward prisoner it had ever had, inthat in his person it was imprisoning the law. 

In a special issue of the _National Reformer_, giving an account ofthe Committee's work and of Mr. Bradlaugh's committal to the ClockTower, I find the following from my own pen: "The Tory party, beatenat the polls by the nation, has thus, for the moment, triumphed in theHouse of Commons. The man chosen by the Radicals of Northampton hasbeen committed to prison on the motion of the Tory ex-Chancellor ofthe Exchequer, simply because he desires to discharge the duty laidupon him by his constituency and by the law of the land. As this papergoes to press, I go to Westminster to receive from him his directionsas to the conduct of the struggle with the nation into which the Houseof Commons has so recklessly plunged. " I found him busily writing, prepared for all events, ready for a long imprisonment. On thefollowing day a leaflet from my pen, "Law Makers and Law Breakers, "appealed to the people; after reciting what had happened, itconcluded: "Let the people speak. Gladstone and Bright are forLiberty, and the help denied them within the House must come to themfrom without. No time must be lost. While we remain idle, arepresentative of the people is illegally held in prison. Northamptonis insulted, and in this great constituency every constituency isthreatened. On freedom of election depends our liberty; on freedom ofconscience depends our progress. Tory squires and lordlings havedefied the people and measured their strength against the masses. Letthe masses speak. " But there was no need to make appeals, for theoutrage itself caused so swiftly a growl of anger that on the verynext day the prisoner was set free, and there came protest uponprotest against the high-handed action of the House. In WestminsterHall 4, 000 people gathered to cheer Mr. Bradlaugh when he came to theHouse on the day after his liberation. In less than a week 200meetings had thundered out their protest. Liberal associations, clubs, societies, sent up messages of anger and of demand for justice. InTrafalgar Square there gathered--so said the papers--the largest crowdever seen there, and on the Thursday following--the meeting was heldon Monday--the House of Commons rescinded its resolution, refusing toallow Mr. Bradlaugh to affirm, and admitted him on Friday, July 2nd, to take his seat after affirmation. "At last the bitter struggle isover, " I wrote, "and law and right have triumphed. The House ofCommons has, by rescinding the resolution passed by Tories andUltramontanes, re-established its good name in the eyes of the world. The triumph is not one of Freethought over Christianity, nor is itover the House of Commons; it is the triumph of law, brought about bygood men--of all shades of opinion, but of one faith in justice--overTory contempt of law and Ultramontane bigotry. It is the reassertionof civil and religious liberty under the most difficult circumstances, the declaration that the House of Commons is the creation of thepeople, and not a club of the aristocracy with the right ofblackballing in its own hands. "

The battle between Charles Bradlaugh and his persecutors was nowtransferred to the law courts. As soon as he had taken his seat he wasserved with a writ for having voted without having taken the oath, andthis began the wearisome proceedings by which his defeated enemiesboasted that they would make him bankrupt, and so vacate the seat hehad so hardly gained. Rich men like Mr. Newdegate sued him, puttingforward a man of straw as nominal plaintiff; for many a weary monthMr. Bradlaugh kept all his enemies at bay, fighting each case himself;defeated time after time, he fought on, finally carrying the cases tothe House of Lords, and there winning them triumphantly. But they werewon at such heavy cost of physical strength and of money, that theyundermined his strength and burdened him heavily with debt. For allthis time he had not only to fight in the law courts and to attendscrupulously to his Parliamentary duties, but he had to earn hisliving by lecturing and writing, so that his nights away from theHouse were spent in travelling and his days in incessant labour. Manyof his defeated foes turned their weapons against me, hoping thus togive him pain; thus Admiral Sir John Hay, at Wigton, used language ofme so coarse that the _Scotsman_ and _Glasgow Herald_ refused to printit, and the editor of the _Scotsman_ described it as "language socoarse that it could have hardly dropped from a yahoo. " August 25thfound me at Brussels, whither I went, with Miss Hypatia Bradlaugh, torepresent the English Freethinkers at the International FreethoughtConference. It was an interesting gathering, attended by men ofworld-wide reputation, including Dr. Ludwig Büchner, a man of nobleand kindly nature. An International Federation of Freethinkers wasthere founded, which did something towards bringing together theFreethinkers of different countries, and held interesting congressesin the following years in London and Amsterdam; but beyond thesemeetings it did little, and lacked energy and vitality. In truth, theFreethought party in each country had so much to do in holding its ownthat little time and thought could be given to internationalorganisation. For myself, my introduction to Dr. Büchner, led to muchinteresting correspondence, and I translated, with his approval, his"Mind in Animals, " and the enlarged fourteenth edition of "Force andMatter, " as well as one or two pamphlets. This autumn of 1880 foundthe so-called Liberal Government in full tilt against the Irishleaders, and I worked hard to raise English feeling in defence ofIrish freedom even against attack by one so much honoured as was Mr. Gladstone. It was uphill work, for harsh language had been usedagainst England and all things English, but I showed by definitefigures--all up and down England--that life and property were farsafer in Ireland than in England, that Ireland was singularly freefrom crime save in agrarian disputes, and I argued that these woulddisappear if the law should step in between landlord and tenant, andby stopping the crimes of rack-renting and most brutal eviction, putan end to the horrible retaliations that were born of despair andrevenge. A striking point on these evictions I quoted from Mr. T. P. O'Connor, who, using Mr. Gladstone's words that a sentence of evictionwas a sentence of starvation, told of 15, 000 processes of evictionissued in that one year. The autumn's work was varied by the teachingof science classes, a debate with a clergyman of the Church ofEngland, and an operation which kept me in bed for three weeks, butwhich, on the other hand, was useful, for I learned to write whilelying on my back, and accomplished in this fashion a good part of thetranslation of "Mind in Animals. "

And here let me point a moral about hard work. Hard work kills no one. I find a note in the _National Reformer_ in 1880 from the pen of Mr. Bradlaugh: "It is, we fear, useless to add that, in the judgment ofher best friends, Mrs. Besant has worked far too hard during the lasttwo years. " This is 1893, and the thirteen years' interval has beenfull of incessant work, and I am working harder than ever now, and insplendid health. Looking over the _National Reformer_ for all theseyears, it seems to me that it did really fine educational work; Mr. Bradlaugh's strenuous utterances on political and theological matters;Dr. Aveling's luminous and beautiful scientific teachings; and to myshare fell much of the educative work on questions of political andnational morality in our dealings with weaker nations. We put all ourhearts into our work, and the influence exercised was distinctly infavour of pure living and high thinking. 

In the spring of 1881 the Court of Appeal decided against Mr. Bradlaugh's right to affirm as Member of Parliament, and his seat wasdeclared vacant, but he was at once returned again by the borough ofNorthampton, despite the virulence of slander directed against him, sothat he rightly described the election as "the most bitter I have everfought. " His work in the House had won him golden opinions in thecountry, and he was already recognised as a power there; so Tory fearwas added to bigoted hatred, and the efforts to keep him out of theHouse were increased. 

He was introduced to the House as a new member to take his seat by Mr. Labouchere and Mr. Burt, but Sir Stafford Northcote intervened, andafter a lengthy debate, which included a speech from Mr. Bradlaugh atthe Bar, a majority of thirty-three refused to allow him to take theoath. After a prolonged scene, during which Mr. Bradlaugh declined towithdraw and the House hesitated to use force, the House adjourned, and finally the Government promised to bring in an Affirmation Bill, and Mr. Bradlaugh promised, with the consent of his constituents, toawait the decision of the House on this Bill. Meantime, a League forthe Defence of Constitutional Rights was formed, and the agitation inthe country grew: wherever Mr. Bradlaugh went to speak vast crowdsawaited him, and he travelled from one end of the country to theother, the people answering his appeal for justice with no uncertainvoice. On July 2nd, in consequence of Tory obstruction, Mr. Gladstonewrote to Mr. Bradlaugh that the Government were going to drop theAffirmation Bill, and Mr. Bradlaugh thereupon determined to presenthimself once more in the House, and fixed on August 3rd as the date ofsuch action, so that the Irish Land Bill might get through the Houseere any delay in business was caused by him. The House was thenclosely guarded with police; the great gates were closed, reserves ofpolice were packed in the law courts, and all through July this stateof siege continued. On August 2nd there was a large meeting inTrafalgar Square, at which delegates were present from all parts ofEngland, and from as far north as Edinburgh, and on Wednesday, August3rd, Mr. Bradlaugh went down to the House. His last words to me were:"The people know you better than they know any one, save myself;whatever happens, mind, whatever happens, let them do no violence; Itrust to you to keep them quiet. " He went to the House entrance withDr. Aveling, and into the House alone. His daughters and I wenttogether, and with some hundreds of others carrying petitions--tenonly with each petition, and the ten rigidly counted and allowed topass through the gate, sufficiently opened to let one through at atime--reached Westminster Hall, where we waited on the steps leadingto the passage of the lobby. 

An inspector ordered us off. I gently intimated that we were withinour rights. Dramatic order: "Four officers this way. " Up they marchedand looked at us, and we looked at them. "I think you had betterconsult Inspector Denning before you use violence, " I remarkedplacidly. They thought they had, and in a few moments up came theinspector, and seeing that we were standing in a place where we had aright to be, and were doing no harm, he rebuked his over-zealoussubordinates, and they retired and left us in peace. A man of muchtact and discretion was Inspector Denning. Indeed, all through this, the House of Commons police behaved admirably well. Even in the attackthey were ordered to make on Mr. Bradlaugh, the police used as littleviolence as they could. It was Mr. Erskine, the DeputySerjeant-at-Arms, and his ushers, who showed the brutality; as Dr. Aveling wrote at the time: "The police disliked their work, and, asbrave men, had a sympathy for a brave man. Their orders they obeyedrigidly. This done, they were kindness itself. " Gradually the crowd ofpetitioners grew and grew; angry murmurs were heard, for no news camefrom the House, and they loved "Charlie, " and were mostly northcountry men, sturdy and independent. They thought they had a right togo into the lobby, and suddenly, with the impulse that will sway acrowd to a single action there was a roar, "Petition, petition, justice, justice, " and they surged up the steps, charging at thepolicemen who held the door. Flashed into my mind my chief's charge, his words, "I trust to you to keep them quiet, " and as the policesprang forward to meet the crowd I threw myself between them, with allthe advantage of the position of the top of the steps that I hadchosen, so that every man in the charging crowd saw me, and as theychecked themselves in surprise I bade them stop for his sake, and keepfor him the peace which he had bade us should not be broken. I heardafterwards that as I sprang forward the police laughed--they must havethought me a fool to face the rush of the charging men; but I knew hisfriends would never trample me down, and as the crowd stopped thelaugh died out, and they drew back and left me my own way. 

Sullenly the men drew back, mastering themselves with effort, reiningin their wrath, still for his sake. Ah! had I known what was going oninside, would I have kept his trust unbroken! and, as many a man saidto me afterwards in northern towns, "Oh! if you had let us go we wouldhave carried him into the House up to the Speaker's chair. " We heard acrash inside, and listened, and there was sound of breaking glass andsplintering wood, and in a few minutes a messenger came to me: "He isin Palace Yard. " And we went thither and saw him standing, still andwhite, face set like marble, coat torn, motionless, as though carvedin stone, facing the members' door. Now we know the whole shamefulstory: how as that one man stood alone, on his way to claim his right, alone so that he could do no violence, fourteen men, said the CentralNews, police and ushers, flung themselves upon him, pushed and pulledhim down the stairs, smashing in their violence the glass and wood ofthe passage door; how he struck no blow, but used only his greatstrength in passive resistance--" Of all I have ever seen, I never sawone man struggle with ten like that, " said one of the chiefs, angrilydisdainful of the wrong he was forced to do--till they flung him outinto Palace Yard. An eye-witness thus reported the scene in the Press:"The strong, broad, heavy, powerful frame of Mr. Bradlaugh was hard tomove, with its every nerve and muscle strained to resist the coercion. Bending and straining against the overpowering numbers, he held everyinch with surprising tenacity, and only surrendered it after almostsuperhuman exertions to retain it. The sight--little of it as was seenfrom the outside--soon became sickening. The overborne man appearedalmost at his last gasp. The face, in spite of the warmth of thestruggle, had an ominous pallor. The limbs barely sustained him. .. . The Trafalgar Square phrase that this man might be broken but not bentoccurred to minds apprehensive at the present appearance of him. "

They flung him out, and swift, short words were there interchanged. "Inearly did wrong at the door, " he said afterwards, "I was very angry. I said to Inspector Denning, 'I shall come again with force enough toovercome it, ' He said, 'When?' I said, 'Within a minute if I raise myhand. '" He stood in Palace Yard, and there outside the gate was a vastsea of heads, the men who had journeyed from all parts of England forlove of him, and in defence of the great right he represented of aconstituency to send to Parliament the man of its choice. Ah! he wasnever greater than in that moment of outrage and of triumphant wrong;with all the passion of a proud man surging within him, insulted byphysical violence, injured by the cruel wrenching of all hismuscles--so that for weeks his arms had to be swathed in bandages--hewas never greater than when he conquered his own wrath, crushed downhis own longing for battle, stirred to flame by the bodily struggle, and the bodily injury, and with thousands waiting within sound of hisvoice, longing to leap to his side, he gave the word to tell them tomeet him that evening away from the scene of conflict, and meanwhileto disperse quietly, "no riot, no disorder. " But how he sufferedmentally no words of mine may tell, and none can understand how itwrung his heart who does not know how he reverenced the greatParliament of England, how he honoured law, how he believed in justicebeing done; it was the breaking down of his national ideals, of hispride in his country, of his belief that faith would be kept with afoe by English gentlemen, who with all their faults, he thought, held honour and chivalry dear. "No man will sleep in gaol for meto-night, " he said to me that day; "no woman can blame me for herhusband killed or wounded, but--" A wave of agony swept over his face, and from that fatal day Charles Bradlaugh was never the same man. Some hold their ideals lightly, but his heart-strings were twinedround his; some care little for their country--he was an Englishman, law-abiding, liberty-loving, to his heart's core, of the type of theseventeenth-century patriot, holding England's honour dear. It was thetreachery that broke his heart; he had gone alone, believing in thehonour of his foes, ready to submit to expulsion, to imprisonment, andit was the latter that he expected; but he never dreamed that, goingalone amongst his foes, they would use brutal and cowardly violence, and shame every Parliamentary tradition by personal outrage on aduly-elected member, outrage more worthy of a slum pot-house than ofthe great Commons House, the House of Hampden and of Vane, the Housethat had guarded its own from Royal violence, and had maintained itsprivileges in the teeth of kings. 

These stormy scenes brought about a promise of Government aid; Mr. Bradlaugh failed to get any legal redress, as, indeed, he expected tofail, on the ground that the officials of the House were covered bythe House's order, but the Government promised to support his claim tohis seat during the next session, and thus prevented the campaignagainst them on which we had resolved. I had solely on my ownresponsibility organised a great band of people pledged to refrainfrom the use of all excisable articles after a certain date, and towithdraw all their moneys in the Savings Bank, thus seriouslycrippling the financial resources of the Government. The response fromthe workers to my appeal to "Stop the supplies" was great andtouching. One man wrote that as he never drank nor smoked he wouldleave off tea; others that though tobacco was their one luxury, theywould forego it; and so on. Somewhat reluctantly, I asked the peopleto lay aside this formidable weapon, as "we have no right to embarrassthe Government financially save when they refuse to do the first dutyof a Government to maintain law. They have now promised to do justice, and we must wait. " Meanwhile the injuries inflicted on Mr. Bradlaugh, rupturing the sheaths of some of the muscles of the arm, laid himprostrate, and various small fights went on during the temporary trucein the great struggle. I turned up in the House two or three times, haled thither, though not in person, by the people who kept Mr. Bradlaugh out, and a speech of mine became the subject of a questionby Mr. Ritchie, while Sir Henry Tyler waged war on the scienceclasses. Another joy was added to life by the use of my name--whichby all these struggles had gained a marketable value--as author ofpamphlets I had never seen, and this forgery of my name byunscrupulous people in the colonies caused me a good deal ofannoyance. In the strengthening of the constitutional agitation in thecountry, the holding of an International Congress of Freethinkers inLondon, the studying and teaching of science, the delivering ofcourses of scientific lectures in the Hall of Science, a sharpcorrespondence with the Bishop of Manchester, who had libelledSecularists, and which led to a fiery pamphlet, "God's Views onMarriage, " as retort--in all these matters the autumn months spedrapidly away. One incident of that autumn I record with regret. I wasmisled by very partial knowledge of the nature of the experimentsperformed, and by my fear that if scientific men were forbidden toexperiment on animals with drugs they would perforce experiment withthem on the poor in hospitals, to write two articles, republished as apamphlet, against Sir Eardley Wilmot's Bill for the "Total Suppressionof Vivisection. " I limited my approval to highly skilled men engagedin original investigations, and took the representations made of thecharacter of the experiments without sufficient care to verify them. Hence the publication of the one thing I ever wrote for which I feeldeep regret and shame, as against the whole trend and efforts of mylife. I am thankful to say that Dr. Anna Kingsford answered myarticles, and I readily inserted her replies in the paper in whichmine had appeared--our _National Reformer_--and she touched thatquestion of the moral sense to which my nature at once responded. Ultimately, I looked carefully into the subject, found thatvivisection abroad was very different from vivisection in England, sawthat it was in very truth the fiendishly cruel thing that itsopponents alleged, and destroyed my partial defence of even its lessbrutal form. 

1882 saw no cessation of the struggles in which Mr. Bradlaugh andthose who stood by him were involved. On February 7th he was heard forthe third time at the Bar of the House of Commons, and closed hisspeech with an offer that, accepted, would have closed the contest. "Iam ready to stand aside, say for four or five weeks, without coming tothat table, if the House within that time, or within such time as itsgreat needs might demand, would discuss whether an Affirmation Billshould pass or not. I want to obey the law, and I tell you how I mightmeet the House still further, if the House will pardon me for seemingto advise it. Hon. Members have said that would be a Bradlaugh ReliefBill. Bradlaugh is more proud than you are. Let the Bill pass withoutapplying to elections that have taken place previously, and I willundertake not to claim my seat, and when the Bill has passed I willapply for the Chiltern Hundreds. I have no fear. If I am not fit formy constituents, they shall dismiss me, but you never shall. The gravealone shall make me yield. " But the House would do nothing. He hadasked for 100, 000 signatures in favour of his constitutional right, and on February 8th, 9th, and 10th 1, 008 petitions, bearing 241, 970signatures, were presented; the House treated them with contemptuousindifference. The House refused to declare his seat vacant, and alsorefused to allow him to fill it, thus half-disfranchising Northampton, while closing every avenue to legal redress. Mr. Labouchere--who didall a loyal colleague could do to assist his brother member--broughtin an Affirmation Bill; it was blocked. Mr. Gladstone, appealed tosupport the law declared by his own Attorney-General, refused to doanything. An _impasse_ was created, and all the enemies of freedomrejoiced. Out of this position of what the _Globe_ called "quietomnipotence" the House was shaken by an audacious defiance, for onFebruary 21st the member it was trying to hold at arm's length tookthe oath in its startled face, went to his seat, and--waited events. The House then expelled him--and, indeed, it could scarcely doanything else after such defiance--and Mr. Labouchere moved for a newwrit, declaring that Northampton was ready, its "candidate was CharlesBradlaugh, expelled this House. " Northampton, ever steadfast, returnedhim for the third time--the vote in his favour showing an increase of359 over the second bye-election--and the triumph was received in allthe great towns of England with wild enthusiasm. By the small majorityof fifteen in a House of 599 members--and this due to the vacillationof the Government--he was again refused the right to take his seat. But now the whole Liberal Press took up his quarrel; the oath questionbecame a test question for every candidate for Parliament, and theGovernment was warned that it was alienating its best friends. The_Pall Mall Gazette_ voiced the general feeling. "What is the evidencethat an Oaths Bill would injure the Government in the country? Of onething we may be sure, that if they shirk the Bill they will do no goodto themselves at the elections. Nobody doubts that it will be made atest question, and any Liberal who declines to vote for such a Billwill certainly lose the support of the Northampton sort of Radicalismin every constituency. The Liberal Press throughout the country isabsolutely unanimous. The political Non-conformists are for it. Thelocal clubs are for it. All that is wanted is that the Governmentshould pick up a little more moral courage, and recognise that even inpractice honesty is the best policy. " The Government did not think so, and they paid the penalty, for one of the causes that led to theirdefeat at the polls was the disgust felt at their vacillation andcowardice in regard to the rights of constituencies. Not untruly did Iwrite, in May, 1882, that Charles Bradlaugh was a man "who by theinfliction of a great wrong had become the incarnation of a greatprinciple"; for the agitation in the country grew and grew, until, returned again to Parliament at the General Election, he took the oathand his seat, brought in and carried an Oaths Bill, not only givingMembers of Parliament the right to affirm, but making Freethinkerscompetent as jurymen, and relieving witnesses from the insult hithertoput upon those who objected to swearing; he thus ended anunprecedented struggle by a complete victory, weaving his name forever into the constitutional history of his country. 

In the House of Lords, Lord Redesdale brought in a Bill disqualifyingAtheists from sitting in Parliament, but in face of the feelingaroused in the country, the Lords, with many pathetic expressions ofregret, declined to pass it. But, meanwhile, Sir Henry Tyler in theCommons was calling out for prosecutions for blasphemy to be broughtagainst Mr. Bradlaugh and his friends, while he carried on his crusadeagainst Mr. Bradlaugh's daughters, Dr. Aveling, and myself, as scienceteachers. I summed up the position in the spring of 1882 in thefollowing somewhat strong language: "This short-lived 'ParliamentaryDeclaration Bill' is but one of the many clouds which presage a stormof prosecution. The reiterated attempts in the House of Commons toforce the Government into prosecuting heretics for blasphemy; thepetty and vicious attacks on the science classes at the Hall; theodious and wicked efforts of Mr. Newdegate to drive Mr. Bradlaugh intothe Bankruptcy Court; all these are but signs that the heterogeneousarmy of pious and bigoted Christians are gathering together theirforces for a furious attack on those who have silenced them inargument, but whom they hope to conquer by main force, by sheerbrutality. Let them come. Free-thinkers were never so strong, never sounited, never so well organised as they are to-day. Strong in thegoodness of our cause, in our faith in the ultimate triumph of Truth, in our willingness to give up all save fidelity to the sacred cause ofliberty of human thought and human speech, we await gravely andfearlessly the successors of the men who burned Bruno, who imprisonedGalileo, who tortured Vanini--the men who have in their hands theblood-red cross of Jesus of Nazareth, and in their hearts the love ofGod and the hate of man. "

CHAPTER XII. 

STILL FIGHTING. 

All this hot fighting on the religious field did not render me blindto the misery of the Irish land so dear to my heart, writhing in thecruel grip of Mr. Forster's Coercion Act. An article "Coercion inIreland and its Results, " exposing the wrongs done under the Act, wasreprinted as a pamphlet and had a wide circulation. 

I pleaded against eviction--7, 020 persons had been evicted during thequarter ending in March--for the trial of those imprisoned onsuspicion, for indemnity for those who before the Land Act had strivenagainst wrongs the Land Act had been carried to prevent, and I urgedthat "no chance is given for the healing measures to cure the sore ofIrish disaffection until not only are the prisoners in Ireland set atliberty, but until the brave, unfortunate Michael Davitt stands oncemore a free man on Irish soil. " At last the Government reconsideredits policy and resolved on juster dealings; it sent Lord FrederickCavendish over to Ireland, carrying with him the release of the"suspects, " and scarcely had he landed ere the knife of assassinationstruck him--a foul and cowardly murder of an innocent messenger ofpeace. I was at Blackburn, to lecture on "The Irish Question, " and asI was walking towards the platform, my heart full of joy for thedawning hope of peace, a telegram announcing the assassination wasplaced in my hands. Never shall I forget the shock, the increduloushorror, the wave of despair. "It is not only two men they havekilled, " I wrote, a day or two later; "they have stabbed the new-bornhope of friendship between two countries, and have reopened the gulfof hatred that was just beginning to close. " Alas! the crime succeededin its object, and hurried the Government into new wrong. Hastily anew Coercion Bill was brought in, and rushed through its stages inParliament, and, facing the storm of public excitement, I pleadedstill, "Force no remedy, " despite the hardship of the task. "There isexcessive difficulty in dealing with the Irish difficulty at thepresent moment. Tories are howling for revenge on a whole nation asanswer to the crime committed by a few; Whigs are swelling the outcry;many Radicals are swept away by the current, and feeling that'something must be done, ' they endorse the Government action, forgetting to ask whether the 'something' proposed is the wisestthing. A few stand firm, but they are very few--too few to prevent thenew Coercion Bill from passing into law. But few though we be who liftup the voice of protest against the wrong which we are powerless toprevent, we may yet do much to make the new Act of brief duration, byso rousing public opinion as to bring about its early repeal. When themeasure is understood by the public half the battle will be won; it isaccepted at the moment from faith in the Government; it will berejected when its true character is grasped. The murders which havegiven birth to this repressive measure came with a shock upon thecountry, which was the more terrible from the sudden change fromgladness and hope to darkness and despair. The new policy was welcomedso joyfully; the messenger of the new policy was slain ere yet the penwas dry which had signed the orders of mercy and of liberty. Smallwonder that cry of horror should be followed by measures of vengeance;but the murders were the work of a few criminals, while the measure ofvengeance strikes the whole of the Irish people. I plead against thepanic which confounds political agitation and political redressal ofwrong with crime and its punishment; the Government measure gags everymouth in Ireland, and puts, as we shall see, all political effort atthe mercy of the Lord-Lieutenant, the magistracy, and the police. " Ithen sketched the misery of the peasants in the grip of absenteelandlords, the turning out on the roadside to die of the mother withnew-born babe at her breast, the loss of "all thought of the sanctityof human life when the lives of the dearest are reckoned as less worththan the shillings of overdue rack-rental. " I analysed the new Act:"When this Act passes, trial by jury, right of public meeting, libertyof press, sanctity of house, will one and all be held at the will ofthe Lord-Lieutenant, the irresponsible autocrat of Ireland, whileliberty of person will lie at the mercy of every constable. Such isEngland's way of governing Ireland in the year 1882. And this issupposed to be a Bill for the 'repression of crime. '" Bluntly, I putthe bald truth: "The plain fact is that the murderers have succeeded. They saw in the new policy the reconciliation of England and Ireland;they knew that friendship would follow justice, and that the twocountries, for the first time in history, would clasp hands. Toprevent this they dug a new gulf, which they hoped the English nationwould not span; they sent a river of blood across the road offriendship, and they flung two corpses to bar the newly-opened gate ofreconciliation and peace. They have succeeded. "

Into this whirl of political and social strife came the first whisperto me of the Theosophical Society, in the shape of a statement of itsprinciples, which conveyed, I remarked, "no very definite idea of therequirements for membership, beyond a dreamy, emotional, scholarlyinterest in the religio-philosophic fancies of the past. " Also areport of an address by Colonel Olcott, which led me to suppose thatthe society held to "some strange theory of 'apparitions' of the dead, and to some existence outside the physical and apart from it. " Thesecame to me from some Hindû Freethinkers, who asked my opinion as toSecularists joining the Theosophical Society, and Theosophists beingadmitted to the National Secular Society. I replied, judging fromthese reports, that "while Secularists would have no right to refuseto enrol Theosophists, if they desired it, among their members, thereis a radical difference between the mysticism of Theosophy and thescientific materialism of Secularism. The exclusive devotion to thisworld implied in the profession of Secularism leaves no room forother-worldism; and consistent members of our body cannot join asociety which professes belief therein. "[27]

H. P. Blavatsky penned a brief article in the _Theosophist_ forAugust, 1882, in which she commented on my paragraph, remarking, inher generous way, that it must have been written "while labouringunder entirely misconceived notions about the real nature of oursociety. For one so highly intellectual and keen as that renownedwriter to dogmatise and issue autocratic ukases, after she has herselfsuffered so cruelly and undeservedly at the hands of blind bigotry andsocial prejudice in her lifelong struggle for _freedom of thought_seems, to say the least, absurdly inconsistent. " After quoting myparagraph she went on: "Until proofs to the contrary, we prefer tobelieve that the above lines were dictated to Mrs. Besant by somecrafty misrepresentations from Madras, inspired by a mean personalrevenge rather than a desire to remain consistent with the principlesof 'the scientific materialism of Secularism. ' We beg to assure theRadical editors of the _National Reformer_ that they were both verystrangely misled by false reports about the Radical editors of the_Theosophist_. The term 'supernaturalists' can no more apply to thelatter than to Mrs. A. Besant and Mr. C. Bradlaugh. "

H. P. Blavatsky, when she commented, as she occasionally did, on thestruggles going on in England, took of them a singularly large-heartedand generous view. She referred with much admiration to Mr. Bradlaugh's work and to his Parliamentary struggle, and spoke warmlyof the services he had rendered to liberty. Again, in pointing outthat spiritualistic trance orations by no means transcended speechesthat made no such claim, I find her first mention of myself: "Anotherlady orator, of deservedly great fame, both for eloquence andlearning--the good Mrs. Annie Besant--without believing in controllingspirits, or for that matter in her own spirit, yet speaks and writessuch sensible and wise things, that we might almost say that one ofher speeches or chapters contains more matter to benefit humanity thanwould equip a modern trance-speaker for an entire oratoricalcareer. "[28] I have sometimes wondered of late years whether, had Imet her then or seen any of her writings, I should have become herpupil. I fear not; I was still too much dazzled by the triumphs ofWestern Science, too self-assertive, too fond of combat, too much atthe mercy of my own emotions, too sensitive to praise and blame. Ineeded to sound yet more deeply the depths of human misery, to hearyet more loudly the moaning of "the great Orphan, " Humanity, to feelyet more keenly the lack of wider knowledge and of clearer light if Iwere to give effective help to man, ere I could bow my pride to craveadmittance as pupil to the School of Occultism, ere I could put asidemy prejudices and study the Science of the Soul. 

The long-continued attempts of Sir Henry Tyler and his friends tostimulate persecutions for blasphemy at length took practical shape, and in July, 1882, Mr. Foote, the editor, Mr. Ramsey, the publisher, and Mr. Whittle, the printer of the _Freethinker_, were summoned forblasphemy by Sir Henry Tyler himself. An attempt was made to involveMr. Bradlaugh in the proceedings, and the solicitors promised to dropthe case against the editor and printer if Mr. Bradlaugh would himselfsell them some copies of the paper. But however ready Mr. Bradlaughhad always shown himself to shield his subordinates by taking his sinson his own shoulders, he saw no reason why he should assumeresponsibility for a paper over which he had no control, and whichwas, he thought, by its caricatures, lowering the tone of Freethoughtadvocacy and giving an unnecessary handle to its foes. He thereforeanswered that he would sell the solicitors any works published byhimself or with his authority, and sent them a catalogue of the wholeof such works. The object of this effort of Sir Henry Tyler's wasobvious enough, and Mr. Bradlaugh commented: "The above letters makeit pretty clear that Sir Henry W. Tyler having failed in his endeavourto get the science classes stopped at the Hall of Science, having alsofailed in his attempt to induce Sir W. Vernon Harcourt to prosecutemyself and Mrs. Besant as editors and publishers of this journal, desires to make me personally and criminally responsible for thecontents of a journal I neither edit nor publish, over which I havenot a shadow of control, and in which I have not the smallestinterest. Why does Sir H. W. Tyler so ardently desire to prosecute, mefor blasphemy? Is it because two convictions will under the 9th and10th Will. III. Cap. 32, render me 'for ever' incapable of sitting inParliament?" The _Whitehall Review_ frankly put this forward as anobject to be gained, and Mr. Bradlaugh was summoned to the MansionHouse on a charge of publishing blasphemous libels in the_Freethinker_; meanwhile Sir Henry Tyler put a notice on the OrderBook to deprive "the daughters of Mr. Charles Bradlaugh" of the grantthey had earned as science teachers, and got an order which proved tobe invalid, but which was acted on, to inspect Mr. Bradlaugh's and myown private banking accounts, I being no party to the case. Lookingback, I marvel at the incredible meannesses to which Sir Henry Tylerand others stooped in defence of "religion"--Heaven save the mark! Letme add that his motion in the House of Commons was a complete failure, and it was emphasised by the publication at the same time of thesuccessful work, both as teachers and as students, of the "daughtersof Mr. Charles Bradlaugh, " and of my being the only student in allEngland who had succeeded in taking honours in botany. 

I must pause a moment to chronicle, in September, 1882, the death ofDr. Pusey, whom I had sought in the whirl of my early religiousstruggles. I wrote an article on him in the _National Reformer_, andended by laying a tribute on his grave: "A strong man and a good man. Utterly out of harmony with the spirit of his own time, looking withsternly-rebuking eyes on all the eager research, the joyous love ofnature, the earnest inquiry into a world doomed to be burnt up at thecoming of its Judge. An ascetic, pure in life, stern in faith, harshto unbelievers because sincere in his own cruel creed, generous andtender to all who accepted his doctrines and submitted to his Church. He never stooped to slander those with whom he disagreed. His hatredof heresy led him not to blacken the character of heretics, nor todescend to the vulgar abuse used by pettier priests. And therefore I, who honour courage and sincerity wherever I find them; I, who dohomage to steadfastness wherever I find it; I, Atheist, lay my smalltribute of respect on the bier of this noblest of the Anglo-Catholics, Edward Bouverie Pusey. "

As a practical answer to the numberless attacks made on us, and as aresult of the enormous increase of circulation given to ourtheological and political writings by these harassing persecutions, wemoved our publishing business to 63, Fleet Street, at the end ofSeptember, 1882, a shop facing that at which Richard Carlile hadcarried on his publishing business for a great time, and so seemedstill redolent with memories of his gallant struggles. Two of thefirst things sold here were a pamphlet of mine, a strong protestagainst our shameful Egyptian policy, and a critical volume on"Genesis" which Mr. Bradlaugh found time to write in the intervals ofhis busy life. Here I worked daily, save when out of London, until Mr. Bradlaugh's death in 1891, assisted in the conduct of the business byMr. Bradlaugh's elder daughter--a woman of strong character with manynoble qualities, who died rather suddenly in December, 1888, and inthe work on the _National Reformer_, first by Dr. Aveling, and then byMr. John Robertson, its present editor. Here, too, from 1884 onwards, worked with me Thornton Smith, one of Mr. Bradlaugh's most devoteddisciples, who became one of the leading speakers of the NationalSecular Society; like her well-loved chief, she was ever a good friendand a good fighter, and to me the most loyal and loving of colleagues, one of the few--the very few--Freethinkers who were large-hearted andgenerous enough not to turn against me when I became a Theosophist. Asecond of these--alas! I could count them on my fingers--was the JohnRobertson above mentioned, a man of rare ability and wide culture, somewhat too scholarly for popular propagandism of the most generallyeffective order, but a man who is a strength to any movement, alwayson the side of noble living and high thinking, loyal-natured as thetrue Scot should be, incapable of meanness or treachery, and the mostgenial and generous of friends. 

Among the new literary ventures that followed on our taking the largepublishing premises in Fleet Street was a sixpenny magazine, edited bymyself, and entitled _Our Corner_; its first number was dated January, 1883, and for six years it appeared regularly, and served me as auseful mouthpiece in my Socialist and Labour propagandist work. Amongits contributors were Moncure D. Conway, Professor Ludwig Büchner, Yves Guyot, Professor Ernst Haeckel, G. Bernard Shaw, Constance Naden, Dr. Aveling, J. H. Levy, J. L. Joynes, Mrs. Edgren, John Robertson, and many another, Charles Bradlaugh and I writing regularly eachmonth. 

1883 broke stormily, fights on every hand, and a huge constitutionalagitation going on in the country, which forced the Government intobringing in an Affirmation Bill; resolutions from Liberal Associationsall over the land; preparations to oppose the re-election of disloyalmembers; no less than a thousand delegates sent up to London by clubs, Trade Unions, associations of every sort; a meeting that packedTrafalgar Square; an uneasy crowd in Westminster Hall; a request fromInspector Denning that Mr. Bradlaugh would go out to them--they fearedfor his safety inside; a word from him, "The Government have pledgedthemselves to bring in an Affirmation Bill at once;" roar after roarof cheering; a veritable people's victory on that 15th of February, 1883. It was the answer of the country to the appeal for justice, therebuke of the electors to the House that had defied them. 

Scarcely was this over when a second prosecution for blasphemy againstMessrs. Foote, Ramsey, and Kemp began, and was hurried on in theCentral Criminal Court, before Mr. Justice North, a bigot of thesternest type. The trial ended in a disagreement of the jury, Mr. Foote defending himself in a splendid speech. The judge acted veryharshly throughout, interrupted Mr. Foote continuously, and evenrefused bail to the defendants during the interval between the firstand second trial; they were, therefore, confined in Newgate fromThursday to Monday, and we were only allowed to see them through ironbars and lattice, as they exercised in the prison yard between 8:30and 9:30 a. M. Brought up to trial again on Monday, they wereconvicted, and Mr. Foote was sentenced to a year's imprisonment, Mr. Ramsey to nine months, and Mr. Kemp to three months. Mr. Footeespecially behaved with great dignity and courage in a most difficultposition, and heard his cruel sentence without wincing, and with thecalm words, "My Lord, I thank you; it is worthy your creed. " A few ofus at once stepped in, to preserve to Mr. Ramsey his shop, and to Mr. Foote his literary property; Dr. Aveling undertook the editing of the_Freethinker_ and of Mr. Foote's magazine _Progress_; the immediatenecessities of their families were seen to; Mr. And Mrs. Forder tookcharge of the shop, and within a few days all was in working order. Disapproving as many of us did of the policy of the paper, there wasno time to think of that when a blasphemy prosecution had provedsuccessful, and we all closed up in the support of men imprisoned forconscience' sake. I commenced a series of articles on "The ChristianCreed; what it is blasphemy to deny, " showing what Christians mustbelieve under peril of prosecution. Everywhere a tremendous impulsewas given to the Freethought movement, as men awakened to theknowledge that blasphemy laws were not obsolete. 

From over the sea came a word of sympathy from the pen of H. P. Blavatsky in the _Theosophist_. "We prefer Mr. Foote's actual positionto that of his severe judge. Aye, and were we in his guilty skin, wewould feel more proud, even in the poor editor's present position, than we would under the wig of Mr. Justice North. "

In April, 1883, the long legal struggles of Mr. Bradlaugh against Mr. Newdegate and his common informer, that had lasted from July 2, 1880, till April 9, 1883, ended in his complete victory by the judgment ofthe House of Lords in his favour. "Court after Court decided againstme, " he wrote; "and Whig and Tory journals alike mocked at me for mypersistent resistance. Even some good friends thought that my fightwas hopeless, and that the bigots held me fast in their toils. I have, however, at last shaken myself free of Mr. Newdegate and his commoninformer. The judgment of the House of Lords in my favour is final andconclusive, and the boasts of the Tories that I should be madebankrupt for the penalties, have now, for ever, come to naught. Yetbut for the many poor folk who have stood by me with their help andsympathy, I should have long since been ruined. The days and weeksspent in the Law Courts, the harassing work connected with each stageof litigation, the watching daily when each hearing was imminent, theabsolute hindrance of all provincial lecturing--it is hardly possiblefor any one to judge the terrible mental and pecuniary strain of allthis long-drawn-out struggle. " Aye! it killed him at last, twentyyears before his time, sapping his splendid vitality, undermining hisiron constitution. 

The blasphemy trial of Mr. Bradlaugh, Mr. Foote, and Mr. Ramsey nowcame on, but this time in the Queen's Bench, before the Lord ChiefJustice Coleridge. I had the honour of sitting between Mr. Bradlaughand Mr. Foote, charged with the duty of having ready for the formerall his references, and with a duplicate brief to mark off point afterpoint as he dealt with it. Messrs. Foote and Ramsey were brought up incustody, but were brave and bright with courage unbroken. Mr. Bradlaugh applied to have his case taken separately, as he deniedresponsibility for the paper, and the judge granted the application;it was clearly proved that he and I--the "Freethought PublishingCompany"--had never had anything to do with the production of thepaper; that until November, 1881, we published it, and then refused topublish it any longer; that the reason for the refusal was theaddition of comic Bible illustrations as a feature of the paper. I wascalled as witness and began with a difficulty; claiming to affirm, Iwas asked by the judge if the oath would not be binding on myconscience; I answered that any promise was binding on me whatever theform, and after some little argument the judge found a way out of theinsulting form by asking whether the "invocation of the Deity addedanything to it of a binding nature--added any sanction?" "None, myLord, " was the prompt reply, and I was allowed to affirm. Sir HardingeGiffard subjected me to a very stringent cross-examination, doing hisbest to entangle me, but the perfect frankness of my answers broke allhis weapons of finesse and inuendo. 

Some of the incidents of the trial were curious; Sir HardingeGiffard's opening speech was very able and very unscrupulous. Allfacts in Mr. Bradlaugh's favour were distorted or hidden; anythingthat could be used against him was tricked out in most seductivefashion. Among the many monstrous perversions of the truth made bythis most pious counsel, was the statement that changes of publisher, and of registration of the _Freethinker_ were made in consequence of aquestion as to prosecuting it put in the House of Commons. The changeof publisher was admittedly made in November; the registration wasmade for the first time in November, and could not be changed, asthere was no previous one. The House of Commons was not sitting inNovember; the question alluded to was asked in the following February. This one deliberate lie of the "defender of the faith" will do as wellas quoting a score of others to show how wickedly and maliciously heendeavoured to secure an unjust verdict. 

The speech over, a number of witnesses were called. Sir Hardinge didnot call witnesses who knew the facts, such as Mr. Norrish, theshopman, or Mr. Whittle, the printer. These he carefully avoided, although he subpoenaed both, because he did not want the real facts tocome out. But he put in two solicitor's clerks, who had been hangingabout the premises, and buying endless _National Reformers_ and_Freethinkers_, sheaves of them which were never used, but by whichSir Hardinge hoped to convey the impression of a mass of criminality. He put in a gentleman from the British Museum, who produced two largebooks, presumed to be _National Reformers_ and _Freethinkers_; whatthey were brought for nobody understood, the counsel for the Crown aslittle as any one, and the judge, surveying them over his spectacles, treated them with supreme contempt, as utterly irrelevant. Then a mancame to prove that Mr. Bradlaugh was rated for Stonecutter Street, afact no one disputed. Two policemen came to say they had seen him goin. "You saw many people go in, I suppose?" queried the Lord ChiefJustice. On the whole the most miserably weak and obviously maliciouscase that could be brought into a court of law. 

One witness, however, must not be forgotten--Mr. Woodhams, bankmanager. When he stated that Mr. Maloney, the junior counsel for theCrown, had inspected Mr. Bradlaugh's banking account, a murmur ofsurprise and indignation ran round the court. "Oh! Oh!" was heard fromthe crowd of barristers behind. The judge looked down incredulously, and for a moment the examination was stopped by the general movement. Unless Sir Hardinge Giffard is a splendid actor, he was not aware ofthe infamous proceeding, for he looked as startled as the rest of hislegal brethren. 

Another queer incident occurred, showing, perhaps more than aughtelse, Mr. Bradlaugh's swift perception of the situation and adaptationto the environment. He wanted to read the Mansion House deposition ofNorrish, to show why he was not called; the judge objected, anddeclined to allow it to be read. A pause while you might count five;then; "Well, I think I may say the learned counsel did not callNorrish because . .. " and then the whole substance of the depositionwas given in supposititious form. The judge looked down a minute, andthen went off into silent laughter impossible to control at the adroitchange of means and persistent gaining of end; barristers all roundbroke into ripples of laughter unrestrained; a broad smile pervadedthe jury box; the only unmoved person was the defendant who proceededin his grave statement as to what Norrish "might" have been asked. Thenature of the defence was very clearly stated by Mr. Bradlaugh: "Ishall ask you to find that this prosecution is one of the steps in avindictive attempt to oppress and to crush a political opponent--thatit was a struggle that commenced on my return to Parliament in 1880. If the prosecutor had gone into the box I should have shown you thathe was one of the first then in the House to use the suggestion ofblasphemy against me there. Since then I have never had any peaceuntil the Monday of this week. Writs for penalties have been served, and suits of all kinds have been taken against me. On Monday last theHouse of Lords cleared me from the whole of one set, and, gentlemen, Iask you to-day to clear me from another. Three times I have beenre-elected by my constituents, and what Sir Henry Tyler asks you to dois to send me to them branded with the dishonour of a conviction, branded not with the conviction for publishing heresy, but brandedwith the conviction, dishonourable to me, of having lied in thismatter. I have no desire to have a prison's walls closed on me, but Iwould sooner ten times that, than that my constituents should thinkthat for one moment I lied to escape the penalties. I am not indictedfor anything I have ever written or caused to be written. As my Lordat the very first stage this morning pointed out, it is no questionwith me, Are the matters indicted blasphemous, or are they notblasphemous? Are they defensible, or are they not defensible? That isnot my duty here. On this I make no comment. I have no duty here ofeven discussing the policy of the blasphemy laws, although I cannothelp thinking that, if I were here making my defence against them, Imight say that they were bad laws unfairly revived, doing moremischief to those who revive them than to those whom they are revivedagainst. But it is not for anything I have said myself; it is not foranything I have written myself; it is not for anything I havepublished myself. It is an endeavour to make me technically liable fora publication with which I have nothing whatever to do, and I will askyou to defeat that here. Every time I have succeeded I have been metwith some new thing. When I first fought it was hoped to defeat myelection. When I was re-elected it was sought to make me bankrupt byenormous penalties, and when I escaped the suit for enormous penaltiesthey hope now to destroy me by this. I have no question here aboutdefending my heresy, not because I am not ready to defend it when itis challenged in the right way, and it there be anything in it thatthe law can challenge. I have never gone back from anything I haveever said; I have never gone back from anything I have ever written; Ihave never gone back from anything I have ever done; and I ask you notto allow this Sir Henry Whatley Tyler, who dares not come here to-day, to use you as the assassin uses the dagger, to stab a man from behindwhom he never dares to face. "

The summing up by Lord Coleridge was perfect in eloquence, in thought, in feeling. Nothing more touching could be imagined than the conflictbetween the real religious feeling, abhorrent of heresy, and thedetermination to be just, despite all prejudice. The earnest effortlest the prejudice he felt as a Christian should weigh also in theminds of the jury, and should cause them to pervert justice. Theabsolute pleading to them to do what was right and not to admitagainst the unbeliever what they would not admit in ordinary cases. Then the protest against prosecution of opinions; the admission of thedifficulties in the Hebrew Scriptures, and the pathetic fear lest bypersecution "the sacred truths might be struck through the sides ofthose who are their enemies. " For intellectual clearness and moralelevation this exquisite piece of eloquence, delivered in a voice ofsilvery beauty, would be hard to excel, and Lord Coleridge did thispiece of service to the religion so dear to his heart, that he showedthat a Christian judge could be just and righteous in dealing with afoe of his creed. 

There was a time of terrible strain waiting for the verdict, and whenat last it came, "Not Guilty, " a sharp clap of applause hailed it, sternly and rightly reproved by the judge. It was echoed by thecountry, which almost unanimously condemned the prosecution as aniniquitous attempt on the part of Mr. Bradlaugh's political enemies toput a stop to his political career. Thus the _Pall Mall Gazette_wrote:--

"Whatever may be the personal or political or religious aversion whichis excited by Mr. Bradlaugh, it is impossible for even his bitterestopponents to deny the brilliance of the series of victories which hehas won in the law courts. His acquittal in the blasphemy prosecutionof Saturday was but the latest of a number of encounters in which hehas succeeded in turning the tables upon his opponents in the mostdecisive fashion. The policy of baiting Mr. Bradlaugh which has beenpersisted in so long, savours so strongly of a petty and malignantspecies of persecution that it is well that those who indulge in itshould be made to smart for their pains. The wise and weighty wordsused by the Lord Chief Justice in summing up should be taken seriouslyto heart: 'Those persons are to be deprecated who would pervert thelaw, even with the best intentions, and "do evil that good may come, whose damnation" (says the apostle) "is just. "' Without emulating theseverity of the apostle, we may say that it is satisfactory that thepromoters of all these prosecutions should be condemned in costs. "

In the separate trial of Messrs. Foote and Ramsey, Mr. Foote againdefended himself in a speech of marked ability, and spoken of by thejudge as "very striking. " Lord Coleridge made a noble charge to thejury, in which he strongly condemned prosecutions of unpopularopinions, pointing out that no prosecution short of exterminationcould be effective, and caustically remarking on the very easy form ofvirtue indulged in by persecutors. "As a general rule, " he said, "persecution, unless far more extreme than in England in thenineteenth century is possible, is certain to be in vain. It is alsotrue, and I cannot help assenting to it, that it is a very easy formof virtue. It is a more difficult form of virtue, quietly andunostentatiously to obey what we believe to be God's will in our ownlives. It is not very easy to do it; and it makes much less noise inthe world. It is very easy to turn upon somebody else who differs fromus, and in the guise of zeal of God's honour to attack somebody of adifference of opinion, whose life may be more pleasing to God and moreconducive to His honour than our own. And when it is done by personswhose own lives are not free from reproach and who take thatparticular form of zeal for God which consists in putting the criminallaw in force against others, that, no doubt, does more to create asympathy with the defendant than with the prosecutor. And if it shouldbe done by those who enjoy the wit of Voltaire, and who do not turnaway from the sneers of Gibbon, and rather relish the irony of Hume, our feelings do not go with the prosecutors, and we are ratherdisposed to sympathise with the defendant. It is still worse if theperson who takes such a course takes it, not from a kind of notionthat God wants his assistance, and that he can give it less on his ownaccount than by prosecuting others--but it is mixed up with anythingof partisan or political feeling, then nothing can be more foreign towhat is high-minded, or religious, or noble, in men's conduct; andindeed, it seems to me that any one who will do that, not for thehonour of God but for the purpose of the ban, deserves the mostdisdainful disapprobation. "

The jury disagreed, and a _nolle prosequi_ was entered. The netresults of the trials were a large addition to the membership of theNational Secular Society, an increase of circulation of Freethoughtliterature, the raising of Mr. Foote for a time to a position of greatinfluence and popularity, and the placing of his name in history as abrave martyr for liberty of speech. The offence against good tastewill be forgotten; the loyalty to conviction and to courage willremain. History does not ask if men who suffered for heresy everpublished a rough word; it asks, Were they brave in theirsteadfastness; were they faithful to the truth they saw? It may bewell to place on record Mr. Foote's punishment for blasphemy: he spenttwenty-two hours out of the twenty-four alone in his cell; his onlyseat was a stool without a back; his employment was picking matting;his bed was a plank with a thin mattress. During the latter part ofhis imprisonment he was allowed some books. 

CHAPTER XIII. 

SOCIALISM. 

The rest of 1883 passed in the usual way of hard work; the AffirmationBill was rejected, and the agitation for Constitutional right grewsteadily; the Liberal Press was won over, and Mr. Bradlaugh wasbeginning to earn golden opinions on all sides for his courage, histenacity, and his self-control. A successful International Congress atAmsterdam took some of us over to the Northern Venice, where a mostsuccessful gathering was held. To me, personally, the year has aspecial interest, as being the one in which my attention was called, though only partially, to the Socialist movement. I had heard LouiseMichelle lecture in the early spring; a brief controversy in the_National Reformer_ had interested me, but I had not yet concernedmyself with the economic basis of Socialism; I had realised that theland should be public property, but had not gone into the deepereconomic causes of poverty, though the question was pressing withever-increasing force on heart and brain. Of Socialist teaching I knewnothing, having studied only the older English Economists in myyounger days. In 1884 a more definite call to consider 299 theseteachings was to come, and I may perhaps open the record of 1884 withthe words of greeting spoken by me to our readers in the first numberof the _Reformer_ for that year: "What tests 1884 may have for ourcourage, what strains on our endurance, what trials of our loyalty, none can tell. But this we know--that every test of couragesuccessfully met, every strain of endurance steadily borne, everytrial of loyalty nobly surmounted, leaves courage braver, endurancestronger, loyalty truer, than each was before. And therefore, for ourown and for the world's sake, I will not wish you, friends, an 1884 inwhich there shall be no toil and no battling; but I will wish you, each and all, the hero's heart and the hero's patience, in thestruggle for the world's raising that will endure through the comingyear. "

On February 3rd I came for the first time across a paper called_Justice_, in which Mr. Bradlaugh was attacked, and which gave anaccount of a meeting of the Democratic Federation--not yet the SocialDemocratic--in which a man had, apparently unrebuked, said that "allmeans were justifiable to attain" working-class ends. I protestedstrongly against the advocacy of criminal means, declaring that thosewho urged the use of such means were the worst foes of socialprogress. A few weeks later the _Echo_ repeated a speech of Mr. Hyndman's in which a "bloodier revolution" than that of France wasprophesied, and the extinction of "book-learning" seemed coupled withthe success of Socialism, and this again I commented on. But I had thepleasure, a week later, of reprinting from _Justice_ a sensibleparagraph, condemning the advocacy of violence so long as freeagitation was allowed. 

The spring was marked by two events on which I have not time or spaceto dwell--the resignation by Mr. Bradlaugh of his seat, on thereiteration of the resolution of exclusion, and his triumphant returnfor the fourth time by an increased majority, a vote of 4, 032, ahigher poll than that of the general election; and the release of Mr. Foote, on February 25th, from Holloway, whence he was escorted by aprocession a quarter of a mile in length. On the 12th of March he andhis fellow-prisoners received a magnificent reception and werepresented with valuable testimonials at the Hall of Science. 

Taking up again the thread of Socialism, the great debate in St. James's Hall, London, between Mr. Bradlaugh and Mr. Hyndman on April17th, roused me to a serious study of the questions raised. Socialismhas in England no more devoted, no more self-sacrificing advocate thanHenry Hyndman. A man of wide and deep reading, wielding most ably asingularly fascinating pen, with talents that would have made himwealthy in any career he adopted, he has sacrificed himself without amurmur to the people's cause. He has borne obloquy from without, suspicion and unkindness from those he served, and surrounded bytemptations to betray the people, he has never swerved from hisintegrity. He has said rash things, has been stirred to passionateoutbursts and reckless phrases, but love to the people and sympathywith suffering lay at the root of his wildest words, and they countbut little as against his faithful service. Personally, my debt to himis of a mixed character; he kept me from Socialism for some time byhis bitter and very unjust antagonism to Mr. Bradlaugh; but it was thedebate at St. James's Hall that, while I angrily resented hisinjustice, made me feel that there was something more in practicalSocialism than I had imagined, especially when I read it overafterwards, away from the magic of Mr. Bradlaugh's commandingeloquence and personal magnetism. It was a sore pity that EnglishSocialists, from the outset of their movement, treated Mr. Bradlaughso unfairly, so that his friends were set against Socialists ere theybegan to examine their arguments. I must confess that my deepattachment to him led me into injustice to his Socialist foes in thoseearly days, and often made me ascribe to them calculated malignityinstead of hasty and prejudiced assertion. Added to this, theiruncurbed violence in discussion, their constant interruptions duringthe speeches of opponents, their reckless inaccuracy in matters offact, were all bars standing in the way of the thoughtful. When I cameto know them better, I found that the bulk of their speakers were veryyoung men, overworked and underpaid, who spent their scanty leisure inefforts to learn, to educate themselves, to train themselves, and Ilearned to pardon faults which grew out of the bitter sense ofinjustice, and which were due largely to the terrible pressure of oursystem on characters not yet strong enough--how few are strongenough!--to bear grinding injustice without loss of balance and ofimpartiality. None save those who have worked with them know how muchof real nobility, of heroic self-sacrifice, of constant self-denial, of brotherly affection, there is among the Social Democrats. 

At this time also I met George Bernard Shaw, one of the most brilliantof Socialist writers and most provoking of men; a man with a perfectgenius for "aggravating" the enthusiastically earnest, and with apassion for representing himself as a scoundrel. On my firstexperience of him on the platform at South Place Institute hedescribed himself as a "loafer, " and I gave an angry snarl at him inthe _Reformer_, for a loafer was my detestation, and behold! I foundthat he was very poor, because he was a writer with principles andpreferred starving his body to starving his conscience; that he gavetime and earnest work to the spreading of Socialism, spending nightafter night in workmen's clubs; and that "a loafer" was only anamiable way of describing himself because he did not carry a hod. Ofcourse I had to apologise for my sharp criticism as doing him aserious injustice, but privately felt somewhat injured at having beenentrapped into such a blunder. Meanwhile I was more and more turningaside from politics and devoting myself to the social condition of thepeople I find myself, in June, protesting against Sir John Lubbock'sBill which fixed a twelve-hour day as the limit of a "young person's"toil. "A 'day' of twelve hours is brutal, " I wrote; "if the law fixestwelve hours as a 'fair day' that law will largely govern custom. Ideclare that a 'legal day' should be eight hours on five days in theweek and not more than five hours on the sixth. If the labour is of anexhausting character these hours are too long. " On every side now theSocialist controversy grew, and I listened, read, and thought much, but said little. The inclusion of John Robertson in the staff of the_Reformer_ brought a highly intellectual Socialist into closer touchwith us, and slowly I found that the case for Socialism wasintellectually complete and ethically beautiful. The trend of mythought was shown by urging the feeding of Board School children, breaking down under the combination of education and starvation, and Iasked, "Why should people be pauperised by a rate-supported meal, andnot pauperised by, state-supported police, drainage, road-mending, street-lighting, &c? "Socialism in its splendid ideal appealed to myheart, while the economic soundness of its basis convinced my head. All my life was turned towards the progress of the people, the helpingof man, and it leaped forward to meet the stronger hope, the loftyideal of social brotherhood, the rendering possible to all of freerlife; so long had I been striving thitherward, and here there openedup a path to the yearned-for goal! How strong were the feelingssurging in my heart may be seen in a brief extract from an articlepublished second week of January, 1885: "Christian charity? We knowits work. It gives a hundred-weight of coal and five pounds of beefonce a year to a family whose head could earn a hundred such doles ifChristian justice allowed him fair wage for the work he performs. Itplunders the workers of the wealth they make, and then flings back atthem a thousandth part of their own product as 'charity. ' It buildshospitals for the poor whom it has poisoned in filthy courts andalleys, and workhouses for the worn-out creatures from whom it haswrung every energy, every hope, every joy. Miss Cobbe summons us toadmire Christian civilisation, and we see idlers flaunting in therobes woven by the toilers, a glittering tinselled super-structurefounded on the tears, the strugglings, the grey, hopeless misery ofthe poor. "

This first month of January, 1885, brought on me the first attack formy Socialistic tendencies, from the pen of Mr. W. P. Ball, who wroteto the _Reformer_ complaining of my paragraph, quoted above, in whichI had advocated rate-supported meals for Board School children. Abrief controversy thus arose, in which I supported my opinion, waivingthe question as to my being "at heart a Socialist. " In truth, Idreaded to make the plunge of publicly allying myself with theadvocates of Socialism, because of the attitude of bitter hostilitythey had adopted towards Mr. Bradlaugh. On his strong, tenaciousnature, nurtured on self-reliant individualism, the arguments of theyounger generation made no impression. He could not change his methodsbecause a new tendency was rising to the surface, and he did not seehow different was the Socialism of our day to the Socialist dreams ofthe past--noble ideals of a future not immediately realisable intruth, but to be worked towards and rendered possible in the days tocome. Could I take public action which might bring me into collisionwith the dearest of my friends, which might strain the strong andtender tie so long existing between us? My affection, my gratitude, all warred against the idea of working with those who wronged him sobitterly. But the cry of starving children was ever in my ears; thesobs of women poisoned in lead works, exhausted in nail works, drivento prostitution by starvation, made old and haggard by ceaseless work. I saw their misery was the result of an evil system, was inseparablefrom private ownership of the instruments of wealth production; thatwhile the worker was himself but an instrument, selling his labourunder the law of supply and demand, he must remain helpless in thegrip of the employing classes, and that trade combinations could onlymean increased warfare--necessary, indeed, for the time as weapons ofdefence--but meaning war, not brotherly co-operation of all for thegood of all. A conflict which was stripped of all covering, a conflictbetween a personal tie and a call of duty could not last long, andwith a heavy heart I made up my mind to profess Socialism openly andwork for it with all my energy. Happily, Mr. Bradlaugh was as tolerantas he was strong, and our private friendship remained unbroken; but henever again felt the same confidence in my judgment as he felt before, nor did he any more consult me on his own policy, as he had done eversince we first clasped hands. 

A series of articles in _Our Corner_ on the "Redistribution ofPolitical Power, " on the "Evolution of Society, " on "ModernSocialism, " made my position clear. "Over against those who laud thepresent state of Society, with its unjustly rich and its unjustlypoor, with its palaces and its slums, its millionaires and itspaupers, be it ours to proclaim that there is a higher ideal in lifethan that of being first in the race for wealth, most successful inthe scramble for gold. Be it ours to declare steadfastly that health, comfort, leisure, culture, plenty for every individual are far moredesirable than breathless struggle for existence, furious tramplingdown of the weak by the strong, huge fortunes accumulated out of thetoil of others, to be handed down to those who had done nothing toearn them. Be it ours to maintain that the greatness of a nationdepends not on the number of its great proprietors, on the wealth ofits great capitalists, or the splendour of its great nobles, but onthe absence of poverty among its people, on the education andrefinement of its masses, on the universality of enjoyment in life. .. . Enough for each of work, of leisure, of joy; too little for none, toomuch for none--such is the Social ideal. Better to strive after itworthily and fail, than to die without striving for it at all. "

Then I differentiated the methods of the Socialist and the RadicalIndividualist, pleading for union among those who formed the wings ofthe army of Labour, and urging union of all workers against theidlers. For the weakness of the people has ever been in theirdivisions, in the readiness of each section to turn its weaponsagainst other sections instead of against the common foe. Allprivileged classes, when they are attacked, sink their differences andpresent a serried front to their assailants; the people alone fightwith each other, while the battle between themselves and theprivileged is raging. 

I strove, as so many others were striving, to sound in the ears of thethoughtless and the careless the cry of the sufferings of the poor, endeavouring to make articulate their misery. Thus in a description ofEdinburgh slums came the following: "I saw in a 'house' which was madeby boarding up part of a passage, which had no window, and in which itwas necessary to burn an oil lamp all day, thus adding to the burdenof the rent, a family of three--man, wife, and child--whose lot washardly 'of their own making. ' The man was tall and bronzed, but he wasdying of heart disease; he could not do hard work, and he was tooclumsy for light work; so he sat there, after two days' fruitlesssearch, patiently nursing his miserable, scrofulous baby in his dimand narrow den. The cases of individual hopeless suffering areheartbreaking. In one room lay a dying child, dying of low feverbrought on by want of food. 'It hae no faither, ' sobbed the mother;and for a moment I did not catch the meaning that the father had leftto the mother all the burden of a child unallowed by law. In anotherlay the corpse of a mother, with the children round her, andhard-featured, gentle-hearted women came in to take back to theirovercrowded beds 'the mitherless bairns. ' In yet another a woman, shrunken and yellow, crouched over a glimmer of fire; "I am dying ofcancer of the womb, " she said, with that pathetic resignation to theinevitable so common among the poor. I sat chatting for a few minutes. 'Come again, deary, ' she said as I rose to go; 'it's gey dull sittinghere the day through. '"

The article in which these, among other descriptions, occurred wasclosed with the following: "Passing out of the slums into the streetsof the town, only a few steps separating the horror and the beauty, Ifelt, with a vividness more intense than ever, the fearful contrastsbetween the lots of men; and with more pressing urgency the questionseemed to ring in my ears, 'Is there no remedy? Must there always berich and poor?' Some say that it must be so; that the palace and theslum will for ever exist as the light and the shadow. Not so do Ibelieve. I believe that the poverty is the result of ignorance and ofbad social arrangements, and that therefore it may be eradicated byknowledge and by social change. I admit that for many of these adultdwellers in the slums there is no hope. Poor victims of a civilisationthat hides its brutality beneath a veneer of culture and of grace, forthem individually there is, alas! no salvation. But for theirchildren, yes! Healthy surroundings, good food, mental and physicaltraining, plenty of play, and carefully chosen work--these might savethe young and prepare them for happy life. But they are being left togrow up as their parents were, and even when a few hours of school aregiven them the home half-neutralises what the education effects. Thescanty aid given is generally begrudged, the education is to be butelementary, as little as possible is doled out. Yet these childrenhave each one of them hopes and fears, possibilities of virtue and ofcrime, a life to be made or marred. We shower money on generals and onnobles, we keep high-born paupers living on the national charity, wesquander wealth with both hands on army and navy, on churches andpalaces; but we grudge every halfpenny that increases the educationrate and howl down every proposal to build decent houses for the poor. We cover our heartlessness and indifference with fine phrases aboutsapping the independence of the poor and destroying theirself-respect. With loathsome hypocrisy we repair a prince's palace forhim, and let him live in it rent-free, without one word about thedegradation involved in his thus living upon charity; while we refuseto 'pauperise' the toiler by erecting decent buildings in which he maylive--not rent-free like the prince, but only paying a rent whichshall cover the cost of erection and maintenance, instead of one whichgives a yearly profit to a speculator. And so, year after year, themisery grows, and every great city has on its womb a cancer; sappingits vitality, poisoning its life-blood. Every great city is breedingin its slums a race which is reverting through the savage to thebrute--a brute more dangerous in that degraded humanity haspossibilities of evil in it beyond the reach of the mere wild beast. If not for Love's sake, then for fear; if not for justice or for humanpity, then for sheer desire of self-preservation; I appeal to the wiseand to the wealthy to set their hands to the cure of social evil, erestolidity gives place to passion and dull patience vanishes beforefury, and they

"'Learn at last, in some wild hour, how much the wretched dare. '"

Because it was less hotly antagonistic to the Radicals than the twoother Socialist organisations, I joined the Fabian Society, and workedhard with it as a speaker and lecturer. Sidney Webb, G. Bernard Shaw, Hubert and Mrs. Bland, Graham Wallas--these were some of those whogave time, thought, incessant work to the popularising of Socialistthought, the spreading of sound economics, the effort to turn theworkers' energy toward social rather than merely political reform. Welectured at workmen's clubs wherever we could gain a hearing, till weleavened London Radicalism with Socialist thought, and by treating theRadical as the unevolved Socialist rather than as the anti-Socialist, we gradually won him over to Socialist views. We circulated questionsto be put to all candidates for parliamentary or other offices, stirred up interest in local elections, educated men and women into anunderstanding of the causes of their poverty, won recruits for thearmy of propagandists from the younger of the educated middle class. That the London working classes to-day are so largely Socialist isgreatly due to the years of work done among them by members of theFabian Society, as well to the splendid, if occasionally too militant, energy of the Social Democratic Federation, and to the devotion ofthat noble and generous genius, William Morris. 

During this same year (1885) a movement was set on foot in England todraw attention to the terrible sufferings of the Russian politicalprisoners, and it was decided at a meeting held in my house to form asociety of the friends of Russia, which should seek to spread accurateand careful information about the present condition of Russia. At thatmeeting were present Charles Bradlaugh, "Stepniak, " and many others, E. R. Pease acting as honorary secretary. It is noteworthy that someof the most prominent Russian exiles--such as Kropotkin--take the viewthat the Tzar himself is not allowed to know what occurs, and is verylargely the victim of the bureaucracy that surrounds him. 

Another matter, that increased as the months went on, was the attemptof the police authorities to stop Socialist speaking in the open air. Christians, Freethinkers, Salvationists, agitators of all kinds were, for the most part, left alone, but there was a regular crusade againstthe Socialists. Liberal and Tory journals alike condemned the way inwhich in Dod Street, in September, the Socialists' meetings wereattacked. Quiet persistence was shown by the promoters--members of theSocial Democratic Federation--and they were well supported by otherSocialists and by the Radical clubs. I volunteered to speak on October4th (my first Sunday in London after the summoning and imprisoning ofthe speakers had commenced), but the attitude of the people was sodetermined on the preceding Sunday that all interference waswithdrawn. 

Herbert Burrows stood for the School Board for the Tower Hamlets inthe November of this year, and I find a paragraph in the _Reformer_ inwhich I heartily wished him success, especially as the first candidatewho had put forward a demand for industrial education. In this, as inso many practical proposals, Socialists have led the way. He polled4, 232 votes, despite the furious opposition of the clergy to him as aFreethinker, of the publicans to him as a teetotaler, of themaintainers of the present social system to him as a Socialist. Andhis fight did much to make possible my own success in 1888. 

With this autumn, too, began, in connection with the struggle for theright of meeting, the helping of the workmen to fair trial byproviding of bail and legal defence. The first case that I bailed outwas that of Lewis Lyons, sent to gaol for two months with hard labourby Mr. Saunders, of the Thames Police Court. Oh, the weary, sickeningwaiting in the court for "my prisoner, " the sordid vice, the revoltingdetails of human depravity to which my unwilling eyes and ears werewitnesses. I carried Lyons off in triumph, and the Middlesexmagistrates quashed the conviction, the evidence being pronounced bythem to be "confusing, contradictory, and worthless. " Yet but for thechance of one of us stepping forward to offer bail and to provide themeans for an appeal (I acted on Mr. Bradlaugh's suggestion and advice, for he acted as counsellor to me all through the weary struggles thatlasted till 1888, putting his great legal knowledge at my disposal, though he often disapproved my action, thinking me Quixotic)--but forthis, Lewis Lyons would have had to suffer his heavy sentence. 

The general election took place this autumn, and Northampton returnedMr. Bradlaugh for the fifth time, thus putting an end to the longstruggle, for he took the oath and his seat in the following January, and at once gave notice of an Oaths Bill, to give to all who claimedit, under all circumstances, the right to affirm. He was returned withthe largest vote ever polled for him--4, 315--and he entered Parliamentwith all the prestige of his great struggle, and went to the front atonce, one of the recognised forces in the House. The action of Mr. Speaker Peel promptly put an end to an attempted obstruction. SirMichael Hicks Beach, Mr. Cecil Raikes, and Sir John Hennaway hadwritten to the Speaker asking his interference, but the Speakerdeclared that he had no authority, no right to stand between a dulyelected member and the duty of taking the oath prescribed by statute. Thus ended the constitutional struggle of six years, that left thevictor well-nigh bankrupt in health and in purse, and sent him to acomparatively early grave. He lived long enough to justify hiselection, to prove his value to the House and to his country, but hedid not live long enough to render to England all the services whichhis long training, his wide knowledge, his courage, and his honesty soeminently fitted him to yield. 

[Illustration: NORWICH BRANCH OF THE SOCIALIST LEAGUE. ]

_Our Corner_ now served as a valuable aid in Socialist propaganda, andits monthly "Socialist Notes" became a record of Socialist progress inall lands. We were busy during the spring in organising a conferencefor the discussion of "The Present Commercial System, and the BetterUtilisation of National Wealth for the Benefit of the Community, " andthis was successfully held at South Place Institute on June 9th, 10th, 11th, the three days being given respectively, to the "Utilisation ofLand, " the "Utilisation of Capital, " and the "Democratic Policy. " Onthe 9th Mr. Bradlaugh spoke on the utilisation of waste lands, arguingthat in a thickly populated country no one had the right to keepcultivable land uncultivated, and that where land was so kept thereshould be compulsory expropriation, the state taking the land andletting it out to cultivating tenants. Among the other speakers wereEdward Carpenter, William Morris, Sidney Webb, John Robertson, WilliamSaunders, W. Donnisthorpe, Edward Aveling, Charlotte Wilson, Mrs. Fenwick Miller, Hubert Bland, Dr. Pankhurst, and myself--men and womenof many views, met to compare methods, and so help on the cause ofsocial regeneration. 

Bitter attacks were made on me for my Socialist advocacy by some ofthe Radicals in the Freethought party, and looking back I find myselfcondemned as a "Saint Athanasius in petticoats, " and as possessing a"mind like a milk-jug. " This same courteous critic remarked, "I haveheard Mrs. Besant described as being, like most women, at the mercy ofher last male acquaintance for her views on economics. " I was foolishenough to break a lance in self-defence with this assailant, nothaving then learned that self-defence was a waste of time that mightbe better employed in doing work for others. I certainly should notnow take the trouble to write such a paragraph as the following: "Themoment a man uses a woman's sex to discredit her arguments, thethoughtful reader knows that he is unable to answer the argumentsthemselves. But really these silly sneers at woman's ability have losttheir force, and are best met with a laugh at the stupendous 'maleself-conceit' of the writer. I may add that such shafts are speciallypointless against myself. A woman who thought her way out ofChristianity and Whiggism into Freethought and Radicalism absolutelyalone; who gave up every old friend, male and female, rather thanresign the beliefs she had struggled to in solitude; who, again, inembracing active Socialism, has run counter to the views of hernearest 'male friends'; such a woman may very likely go wrong, but Ithink she may venture, without conceit, to at least claim independenceof judgment. I did not make the acquaintance of one of my presentSocialist comrades, male or female, until I had embraced Socialism. " Afoolish paragraph, as are all self-defences, and a mischievous one, asall retort breeds fresh strife. But not yet had come the self-controlthat estimates the judgments of others at their true value, that recksnot of praise and blame; not yet had I learned that evil should not bemet with evil, wrath with wrath; not yet were the words of the Buddhathe law to which I strove to render obedience: "Hatred ceases not byhatred at any time; hatred ceases by love. " The year 1886 was aterrible one for labour, everywhere reductions of wages, everywhereincrease of the numbers of the unemployed; turning over the pages of_Our Corner_, I see "Socialist Notes" filled, month after month, witha monotonous tale, "there is a reduction of wages at" such and such aplace; so many "men have been discharged at -----, owing to theslackness of trade. " Our hearts sank lower and lower as summer passedinto autumn, and the coming winter threatened to add to starvation thebitter pains of cold. The agitation for the eight hours' day increasedin strength as the unemployed grew more numerous week by week "Wecan't stand it, " a sturdy, quiet fellow had said to me during thepreceding winter; "flesh and blood can't stand it, and two months ofthis bitter cold, too. " "We may as well starve idle as starveworking, " had said another, with a fierce laugh. And a spirit ofsullen discontent was spreading everywhere, discontent that was whollyjustified by facts. But ah! how patient they were for the most part, how sadly, pathetically patient, this crucified Christ, Humanity;wrongs that would set my heart and my tongue afire would be acceptedas a matter of course. O blind and mighty people, how my heart wentout to you; trampled on, abused, derided, asking so little and needingso much; so pathetically grateful for the pettiest services; so lovingand so loyal to those who offered you but their poor services andhelpless love. Deeper and deeper into my innermost nature ate thegrowing desire to succour, to suffer for, to save. I had long given upmy social reputation, I now gave up with ever-increasing surrenderease, comfort, time; the passion of pity grew stronger and stronger, fed by each new sacrifice, and each sacrifice led me nearer and nearerto the threshold of that gateway beyond which stretched a path ofrenunciation I had never dreamed of, which those might tread who wereready wholly to strip off self for Man's sake, who for Love's sakewould surrender Love's return from those they served, and would go outinto the darkness for themselves that they might, with their own soulsas fuel, feed the Light of the World. 

As the suffering deepened with the darkening months, the meetings ofthe unemployed grew in number, and the murmurs of discontent becamelouder. The Social Democratic Federation carried on an outdooragitation, not without making blunders, being composed of humanbeings, but with abundant courage and self-sacrifice. The policy ofbreaking up Socialist meetings went on while other meetings werewinked at, and John Williams, a fiery speaker, but a man with a recordof pathetic struggle and patient heroism, was imprisoned for twomonths for speaking in the open air, and so nearly starved in gaolthat he came out with his health broken for life. 

1887 dawned, the year that was to close so stormily, and Socialistseverywhere were busying themselves on behalf of the unemployed, urgingvestries to provide remunerative work for those applying for relief, assailing the Local Government Board with practicable proposals forutilising the productive energies of the unemployed, circulatingsuggestions to municipalities and other local representative bodies, urging remedial measures. A four days' oral debate with Mr. Foote, anda written debate with Mr. Bradlaugh, occupied some of my energies, andhelped in the process of education to which public opinion was beingsubjected. Both these debates were largely circulated as pamphlets. Aseries of afternoon debates between representative speakers wasorganised at South Place Institute, and Mr. Corrie Grant and myselfhad a lively discussion, I affirming "That the existence of classeswho live upon unearned incomes is detrimental to the welfare of thecommunity, and ought to be put an end to by legislation. " Anotherdebate--in this very quarrelsome spring of 1887--was a written one inthe _National Reformer_ between the Rev. G. F. Handel Rowe and myselfon the proposition, "Is Atheism logically tenable, and is there asatisfactory Atheistic System for the guidance of Human Conduct. " Andso the months went on, and the menace of misery grew louder andlouder, till in September I find myself writing: "This one thing isclear--Society must deal with the unemployed, or the unemployed willdeal with Society. Stormier and stormier becomes the social outlook, and they at least are not the worst enemies of Society who seek tofind some way through the breakers by which the ship of theCommonwealth may pass into quiet waters. "

Some amusement turned up in the shape of a Charing Cross Parliament, in which we debated with much vigour the "burning questions" of theday. We organised a compact Socialist party, defeated a LiberalGovernment, took the reins of office, and--after a Queen's Speech inwhich her Majesty addressed her loyal Commons with a plainness ofspeech never before (or since) heard from the throne--we brought inseveral Bills of a decidedly heroic character. G. Bernard Shaw, asPresident of the Local Government Board, and I, as Home Secretary, came in for a good deal of criticism in connection with variousdrastic measures. An International Freethought Congress, held inLondon, entailed fairly heavy work, and the science classes were everwith us. Another written debate came with October, this time on the"Teachings of Christianity, " making the fifth of these set discussionsheld by me during the year. This same month brought a change, painfulbut just: I resigned my much-prized position as co-editor of the_National Reformer, _ and the number for October 23rd bore CharlesBradlaugh's name alone. The change did not affect my work on thepaper, but I became merely a subordinate, though remaining, of course, joint proprietor. The reason cannot be more accurately given than inthe paragraph penned at the time: "For a considerable time past, andlately in increasing number, complaints have reached me from variousquarters of the inconvenience and uncertainty that result from thedivided editorial policy of this paper on the question of Socialism. Some months ago I proposed to avoid this difficulty by resigning myshare in the editorship; but my colleague, with characteristicliberality, asked me to let the proposal stand over and see if matterswould not adjust themselves. But the difficulty, instead ofdisappearing, has only become more pressing; and we both feel that ourreaders have a right to demand that it be solved. 

"When I became co-editor of this paper I was not a Socialist; and, although I regard Socialism as the necessary and logical outcome ofthe Radicalism which for so many years the _National Reformer_ hastaught, still, as in avowing myself a Socialist I have taken adistinct step, the partial separation of my policy in labour questionsfrom that of my colleague has been of my own making, and not of his, and it is, therefore, for me to go away. Over by far the greater partof our sphere of action we are still substantially agreed, and arelikely to remain so. But since, as Socialism becomes more and more aquestion of practical politics, differences of theory tend to producedifferences in conduct; and since a political paper must have a singleeditorial programme in practical politics, it would obviously be mostinconvenient for me to retain my position as co-editor. I thereforeresume my former position as contributor only, thus clearing the_National Reformer_ of all responsibility for the views I hold. "

To this Mr. Bradlaugh added the following:--

"I need hardly add to this how very deeply I regret the necessity forMrs. Besant's resignation of the joint editorship of this Journal, andthe real grief I feel in accepting this break in a position in whichshe has rendered such enormous service to the Freethought and Radicalcause. As a most valued contributor I trust the _National Reformer_may never lose the efficient aid of her brain and pen. For thirteenyears this paper has been richer for good by the measure of hernever-ceasing and most useful work. I agree with her that a journalmust have a distinct editorial policy; and I think this distinctnessthe more necessary when, as in the present case, every contributor hasthe greatest freedom of expression. I recognise in the fullest degreethe spirit of self-sacrifice in which the lines, to which I add thesewords, have been penned by Mrs. Besant. "CHARLES BRADLAUGH. "

It was a wrench, this breaking of a tie for which a heavy price hadbeen paid thirteen years before, but it was just. Any one who makes achange with which pain is connected is bound, in honour and duty, totake that pain as much as possible on himself; he must not put hissacrifice on others, nor pay his own ransom with their coin. Theremust be honour kept in the life that reaches towards the Ideal, forbroken faith to that is the only real infidelity. 

And there was another reason for the change that I dared not name tohim, for his quick loyalty would then have made him stubbornlydetermined against change. I saw the swift turning of public opinion, the gradual approach to him among Liberals who had hitherto heldaloof, and I knew that they looked upon me as a clog and a burden, andthat were I less prominently with him his way would be the easier totread. So I slipped more and more into the background, no longer wentwith him to his meetings; my use to him in public was over, for I hadbecome hindrance instead of help. While he was outcast and hated I hadthe pride of standing at his side; when all the fair-weather friendscame buzzing round him I served him best by self-effacement, and Inever loved him better than when I stood aside. But I continued allthe literary work unaltered, and no change of opinions touched hiskindness to me, although when, a little later, I joined theTheosophical Society, he lost his trust in my reasoning powers andjudgment. 

In this same month of October the unemployed began walking inprocession through the streets, and harshness on the part of thepolice led to some rioting. Sir Charles Warren thought it his duty todragoon London meetings after the fashion of Continental prefects, with the inevitable result that an ill-feeling grew up between thepeople and the police. 

At last we formed a Socialist Defence Association, in order to helppoor workmen brought up and sentenced on police evidence only, withoutany chance being given them of proper legal defence, and I organised aband of well-to-do men and women, who promised to obey a telegraphicsummons, night or day, and to bail out any prisoner arrested forexercising the ancient right of walking in procession and speaking. Totake one instance: Mr. Burleigh, the well-known war correspondent, andMr. Winks were arrested and "run in" with Mr. J. Knight, a workman, for seditious language. I went down to the police-station to offerbail for the latter: Chief-Constable Howard accepted bail for Messrs. Burleigh and Winks, but refused it for Mr. Knight. The next day, atthe police-court, the preposterous bail of £400 was demanded for Mr. Knight and supplied by my faithful band, and on the next hearing Mr. Poland, solicitor to the Treasury, withdrew the charge against him forlack of evidence!

Then came the closing of Trafalgar Square, and the unexpected andhigh-handed order that cost some men their lives, many their liberty, and hundreds the most serious injuries. The Metropolitan RadicalFederation had called a meeting for November 13th to protest againstthe imprisonment of Mr. O'Brien, and as Mr. Matthews, from his placein the House, had stated that there was no intention of interferingwith _bonâ fide_ political meetings, the Radical clubs did not expectpolice interference. On November 9th Sir Charles Warren had issued anorder forbidding all meetings in the Square, but the clubs trusted thepromise of the Home Secretary. On Saturday evening only, November12th, when all arrangements were completed, did he issue a peremptoryorder, forbidding processions within a certain area. With this trapsuddenly sprung upon them, the delegates from the clubs, the FabianSociety, the Social Democratic Federation, and the Socialist League, met on that same Saturday evening to see to any details that had beenpossibly left unsettled. It was finally decided to go to the Square asarranged, and, if challenged by the police, to protest formallyagainst the illegal interference, then to break up the processions andleave the members to find their own way to the Square. It was alsodecided to go Sunday after Sunday to the Square, until the right ofpublic meetings was vindicated. 

The procession I was in started from Clerkenwell Green, and walkedwith its banner in front, and the chosen speakers, including myself, immediately behind the flag. As we were moving slowly and quietlyalong one of the narrow streets debouching on Trafalgar Square, wondering whether we should be challenged, there was a sudden charge, and without a word the police were upon us with uplifted truncheons;the banner was struck down, and men and women were falling under ahail of blows. There was no attempt at resistance, the people were toomuch astounded at the unprepared attack. They scattered, leaving someof their number on the ground too much injured to move, and then madetheir way in twos and threes to the Square. It was garrisoned bypolice, drawn up in serried rows, that could only have been broken bya deliberate charge. Our orders were to attempt no violence, and weattempted none. Mr. Cunninghame Graham and Mr. John Burns, arm-in-arm, tried to pass through the police, and were savagely cut about the headand arrested. Then ensued a scene to be remembered; the horse policecharged in squadrons at a hand-gallop, rolling men and women over likeninepins, while the foot police struck recklessly with theirtruncheons, cutting a road through the crowd that closed immediatelybehind them. I got on a waggonette and tried to persuade the driver topull his trap across one of the roads, and to get others in line, soas to break the charges of the mounted police; but he was afraid, anddrove away to the Embankment, so I jumped out and went back to theSquare. At last a rattle of cavalry, and up came the Life Guards, cleverly handled but hurting none, trotting their horses gently andshouldering the crowd apart; and then the Scots Guards with bayonetsfixed marched through and occupied the north of the Square. Then thepeople retreated as we passed round the word, "Go home, go home. " Thesoldiers were ready to fire, the people unarmed; it would have beenbut a massacre. Slowly the Square emptied and all was still. All otherprocessions were treated as ours had been, and the injuries inflictedwere terrible. Peaceable, law-abiding workmen, who had never dreamedof rioting, were left with broken legs, broken arms, wounds of everydescription. One man, Linnell, died almost immediately, others fromthe effect of their injuries. The next day a regular court-martial inBow Street Police Court, witnesses kept out by the police, men dazedwith their wounds, decent workmen of unblemished character who hadnever been charged in a police-court before, sentenced to imprisonmentwithout chance of defence. But a gallant band rallied to their rescue. William T. Stead, most chivalrous of journalists, opened a DefenceFund, and money rained in; my pledged bail came up by the dozen, andwe got the men out on appeal. By sheer audacity I got into thepolice-court, addressed the magistrate, too astounded by my profoundcourtesy and calm assurance to remember that I had no right there, andthen produced bail after bail of the most undeniable character andrespectability, which no magistrate could refuse. Breathing-timegained, a barrister, Mr. W. M. Thompson, worked day after day withhearty devotion, and took up the legal defence. Fines we paid, andhere Mrs. Marx Aveling did eager service. A pretty regiment I led outof Millbank Prison, after paying their fines; bruised, clothes torn, hatless, we must have looked a disreputable lot. We stopped and boughthats, to throw an air of respectability over our _cortège_, and wekept together until I saw the men into train and omnibus, lest, withthe bitter feelings now roused, conflict should again arise. We formedthe Law and Liberty League to defend all unjustly assailed by thepolice, and thus rescued many a man from prison; and we gave poorLinnell, killed in Trafalgar Square, a public funeral. Sir CharlesWarren forbade the passing of the hearse through any of the mainthoroughfares west of Waterloo Bridge, so the processions waited therefor it. W. T. Stead, R. Cunninghame Graham, Herbert Burrows, andmyself walked on one side the coffin, William Morris, F. Smith, R. Dowling, and J. Seddon on the other; the Rev. Stewart D. Headlam, theofficiating clergyman, walked in front; fifty stewards carrying longwands guarded the coffin. From Wellington Street to Bow Cemetery theroad was one mass of human beings, who uncovered reverently as theslain man went by; at Aldgate the procession took three-quarters of anhour to pass one spot, and thus we bore Linnell to his grave, symbolof a cruel wrong, the vast orderly, silent crowd, bareheaded, makingmute protest against the outrage wrought. 

It is pleasant to put on record here Mr. Bradlaugh's grave approval ofthe heavy work done in the police-courts, and the following paragraphshows how generously he could praise one not acting on his own lines:"As I have on most serious matters of principle recently differed verywidely from my brave and loyal co-worker, and as the difference hasbeen regrettably emphasised by her resignation of her editorialfunctions on this Journal, it is the more necessary that I should sayhow thoroughly I approve, and how grateful I am to her for, herconduct in not only obtaining bail and providing legal assistance forthe helpless unfortunates in the hands of the police, but also for herdaily personal attendance and wise conduct at the police-stations andpolice-courts, where she has done so much to abate harsh treatment onthe one hand and rash folly on the other. While I should not havemarked out this as fitting woman's work, especially in the recent veryinclement weather, I desire to record my view that it has been bravelydone, well done, and most usefully done, and I wish to mark this themore emphatically as my views and those of Mrs. Besant seem widerapart than I could have deemed possible on many of the points ofprinciple underlying what is every day growing into a most seriousstruggle. " Ever did I find Charles Bradlaugh thus tolerant ofdifference of opinion, generously eager to approve what to him seemedright even in a policy he disapproved. 

The indignation grew and grew; the police were silently boycotted, butthe people were so persistent and so tactful that no excuse forviolence was given, until the strain on the police force began totell, and the Tory Government felt that London was being hopelesslyalienated; so at last Sir Charles Warren fell, and a wiser hand wasput at the helm. 

CHAPTER XIV. 

THROUGH STORM TO PEACE. 

Out of all this turmoil and stress rose a Brotherhood that had in itthe promise of a fairer day. Mr. Stead and I had become closefriends--he Christian, I Atheist, burning with one common love forman, one common hatred against oppression. And so in _Our Corner_ forFebruary, 1888, I wrote:--"Lately there has been dawning on the mindsof men far apart in questions of theology, the idea of founding a newBrotherhood, in which service of Man should take the place erstwhilegiven to service of God--a brotherhood in which work should be worshipand love should be baptism, in which none should be regarded as alienwho was willing to work for human good. One day as I was walkingtowards Millbank Gaol with the Rev. S. D. Headlam, on the way toliberate a prisoner, I said to him: 'Mr. Headlam, we ought to have anew Church, which should include all who have the common ground offaith in and love for man. ' And a little later I found that my friendMr. W. T. Stead, editor of the _Pall Mall Gazette, _ had long beenbrooding over a similar thought, and wondering whether men 'might notbe persuaded to be as earnest about making this world happy as theyare over saving their souls. ' The teaching of social duty, theupholding of social righteousness, the building up of a truecommonwealth--such would be among the aims of the Church of thefuture. Is the hope too fair for realisation? Is the winning of suchbeatific vision yet once more the dream of the enthusiast? But surelythe one fact that persons so deeply differing in theological creeds asthose who have been toiling for the last three months to aid andrelieve the oppressed, can work in absolute harmony side by side forthe one end--surely this proves that there is a bond which is strongerthan our antagonisms, a unity which is deeper than the speculativetheories which divide. "

How unconsciously I was marching towards the Theosophy which was tobecome the glory of my life, groping blindly in the darkness for thatvery brotherhood, definitely formulated on these very lines by thoseElder Brothers of our race, at whose feet I was so soon to throwmyself. How deeply this longing for something loftier than I had yetfound had wrought itself into my life, how strong the conviction wasgrowing that there was something to be sought to which the service ofman was the road, may be seen in the following passage from the samearticle:--

"It has been thought that in these days of factories and of tramways, of shoddy, and of adulteration, that all life must tread with evenrhythm of measured footsteps, and that the glory of the ideal could nolonger glow over the greyness of a modern horizon. But signs are notawanting that the breath of the older heroism is beginning to stirmen's breasts, and that the passion for justice and for liberty, whichthrilled through the veins of the world's greatest in the past, andwoke our pulses to responsive throb, has not yet died wholly out ofthe hearts of men. Still the quest of the Holy Grail exercises itsdeathless fascination, but the seekers no longer raise eyes to heaven, nor search over land and sea, for they know that it waits them in thesuffering at their doors, that the consecration of the holiest is onthe agonising masses of the poor and the despairing, the cup iscrimson with the blood of the

"'People, the grey-grown speechless Christ. '

. .. If there be a faith that can remove the mountains of ignorance andevil, it is surely that faith in the ultimate triumph of Right in thefinal enthronement of Justice, which alone makes life worth theliving, and which gems the blackest cloud of depression with therainbow-coloured arch of an immortal hope. "

As a step towards bringing about some such union of those ready towork for man, Mr. Stead and I projected the _Link_, a halfpennyweekly, the spirit of which was described in its motto, taken fromVictor Hugo: "The people are silence. I will be the advocate of thissilence. I will speak for the dumb. I will speak of the small to thegreat and of the feeble to the strong. .. . I will speak for all thedespairing silent ones. I will interpret this stammering; I willinterpret the grumblings, the murmurs, the tumults of crowds, thecomplaints ill-pronounced, and all these cries of beasts that, throughignorance and through suffering, man is forced to utter . .. I will bethe Word of the People. I will be the bleeding mouth whence the gag issnatched out. I will say everything. " It announced its object to bethe "building up" of a "New Church, dedicated to the service of man, "and "what we want to do is to establish in every village and in everystreet some man or woman who will sacrifice time and labour assystematically and as cheerfully in the temporal service of man asothers do in what they believe to be the service of God. " Week afterweek we issued our little paper, and it became a real light in thedarkness. There the petty injustices inflicted on the poor foundvoice; there the starvation wages paid to women found exposure; theresweating was brought to public notice. A finisher of boots paid 2s. 6d. Per dozen pairs and "find your own polish and thread"; womenworking for 10-1/2 hours per day, making shirts--"fancy best"--at from10d. To 3s. Per dozen, finding their own cotton and needles, payingfor gas, towel, and tea (compulsory), earning from 4s. To 10s. Perweek for the most part; a mantle finisher 2s. 2d. A week, out of which6d. For materials; "respectable hard-working woman" tried forattempted suicide, "driven to rid herself of life from want. " Anotherpart of our work was defending people from unjust landlords, exposingworkhouse scandals, enforcing the Employers' Liability Act, CharlesBradlaugh's Truck Act, forming "Vigilance Circles" whose members keptwatch in their own district over cases of cruelty to children, extortion, insanitary workshops, sweating, &c. , reporting each case tome. Into this work came Herbert Burrows, who had joined hands with meover the Trafalgar Square defence, and who wrote some noble articlesin the _Link_. A man loving the people with passionate devotion, hating oppression and injustice with equal passion, working himselfwith remorseless energy, breaking his heart over wrongs he could notremedy. His whole character once came out in a sentence when he waslying delirious and thought himself dying: "Tell the people how I haveloved them always. "

In our crusade for the poor we worked for the dockers. " To-morrowmorning, in London alone 20, 000 to 25, 000 adult men, " wrote SidneyWebb, "will fight like savages for permission to labour in the docksfor 4d. An hour, and one-third of them will fight in vain, and beturned workless away. " We worked for children's dinners. "If we insiston these children being educated, is it not necessary that they shallbe fed? If not, we waste on them knowledge they cannot assimilate, andtorture many of them to death. Poor waifs of humanity, we drive theminto the school and bid them learn; and the pitiful, wistful eyesquestion us why we inflict this strange new suffering, and bring intotheir dim lives this new pang. 'Why not leave us alone? 'ask thepathetically patient little faces. Why not, indeed, since for thesechild martyrs of the slums, Society has only formulas, not food. " Wecried out against "cheap goods, " that meant "sweated and thereforestolen goods. " "The ethics of buying should surely be simply enough. We want a particular thing, and we do not desire to obtain it eitherby begging or by robbery; but if in becoming possessed of it, weneither beg it nor steal, we must give for it something equivalent inexchange; so much of our neighbour's labour has been put into thething we desire; if we will not yield him fair equivalent for thatlabour, yet take his article, we defraud him, and if we are notwilling to give that fair equivalent we have no right to become theowners of his product. "

This branch of our work led to a big fight--a fight most happy in itsresults. At a meeting of the Fabian Society, Miss Clementina Blackgave a capital lecture on Female Labour, and urged the formation of aConsumers' League, pledged only to buy from shops certificated "clean"from unfair wage. H. H. Champion, in the discussion that followed, drew attention to the wages paid by Bryant & May (Limited), whilepaying an enormous dividend to their shareholders, so that the valueof the original £5 shares was quoted at £18 7s. 6d. Herbert Burrowsand I interviewed some of the girls, got lists of wages, of fines, &c. "A typical case is that of a girl of sixteen, a piece-worker; sheearns 4s. A week, and lives with a sister, employed by the same firm, who 'earns good money, as much as 8s. Or 9s. A week. ' Out of theearnings 2s. A week is paid for the rent of one room. The child livesonly on bread and butter and tea, alike for breakfast and dinner, butrelated with dancing eyes that once a month she went to a meal where'you get coffee and bread and butter, and jam and marmalade, and lotsof it. '" We published the facts under the title of "White Slavery inLondon, " and called for a boycott of Bryant & May's matches. "It istime some one came and helped us, " said two pale-faced girls to me;and I asked: "Who will help? Plenty of people wish well to any goodcause; but very few care to exert themselves to help it, and stillfewer will risk anything in its support. 'Some one ought to do it, butwhy should I?' is the ever re-echoed phrase of weak-kneed amiability. 'Some one ought to do it, so why _not_ I?' is the cry of some earnestservant of man, eagerly forward springing to face some perilous duty. Between those two sentences lie whole centuries of moral evolution. "

I was promptly threatened with an action for libel, but nothing cameof it; it was easier to strike at the girls, and a few days laterFleet Street was enlivened by the irruption of a crowd of match-girls, demanding Annie Besant. I couldn't speechify to match-girls in FleetStreet, so asked that a deputation should come and explain what theywanted. Up came three women and told their story: they had been askedto sign a paper certifying that they were well treated and contented, and that my statements were untrue; they refused. "You had spoke upfor us, " explained one, "and we weren't going back on you. " A girl, pitched on as their leader, was threatened with dismissal; she stoodfirm; next day she was discharged for some trifle, and they all threwdown their work, some 1, 400 of them, and then a crowd of them startedoff to me to ask what to do next. If we ever worked in our lives, Herbert Burrows and I worked for the next fortnight. And a prettyhubbub we created; we asked for money, and it came pouring in; weregistered the girls to receive strike pay, wrote articles, roused theclubs, held public meetings, got Mr. Bradlaugh to ask questions inParliament, stirred up constituencies in which shareholders weremembers, till the whole country rang with the struggle. Mr. FrederickCharrington lent us a hall for registration, Mr. Sidney Webb andothers moved the National Liberal Club to action; we led a processionof the girls to the House of Commons, and interviewed, with adeputation of them, Members of Parliament who cross-questioned them. The girls behaved splendidly, stuck together, kept brave and brightall through. Mr. Hobart of the Social Democratic Federation, Messrs. Shaw, Bland, and Oliver, and Headlam of the Fabian Society, MissClementina Black, and many another helped in the heavy work. TheLondon Trades Council finally consented to act as arbitrators and asatisfactory settlement was arrived at; the girls went in to work, fines and deductions were abolished, better wages paid; theMatch-makers' Union was established, still the strongest woman'sTrades Union in England, and for years I acted as secretary, till, under press of other duties, I resigned, and my work was given by thegirls to Mrs. Thornton Smith; Herbert Burrows became, and still is, the treasurer. For a time there was friction between the Company andthe Union, but it gradually disappeared under the influence of commonsense on both sides, and we have found the manager ready to considerany just grievance and to endeavour to remove it, while the Companyhave been liberal supporters of the Working Women's Club at Bow, founded by H. P. Blavatsky. 

[Illustration: STRIKE COMMITTEE OF THE MATCHMAKERS' UNION. ]

The worst suffering of all was among the box-makers, thrown out ofwork by the strike, and they were hard to reach. Twopence-farthing pergross of boxes, and buy your own string and paste, is not wealth, butwhen the work went more rapid starvation came. Oh, those trudgesthrough the lanes and alleys round Bethnal Green Junction late atnight, when our day's work was over; children lying about on shavings, rags, anything; famine looking out of baby faces, out of women's eyes, out of the tremulous hands of men. Heart grew sick and eyes dim, andever louder sounded the question, "Where is the cure for sorrow, whatthe way of rescue for the world?"

In August I asked for a "match-girls' drawing-room. " "It will want apiano, tables for papers, for games, for light literature; so that itmay offer a bright, homelike refuge to these girls, who now have noreal homes, no playground save the streets. It is not proposed tobuild an 'institution' with stern and rigid discipline and enforcementof prim behaviour, but to open a home, filled with the genialatmosphere of cordial comradeship, and self-respecting freedom--theatmosphere so familiar to all who have grown up in the blessed shelterof a happy home, so strange, alas! to too many of our East Londongirls. " In the same month of August, two years later, H. P. Blavatskyopened such a home. 

Then came a cry for help from South London, from tin-box makers, illegally fined, and in many cases grievously mutilated by thenon-fencing of machinery; then aid to shop assistants, also illegallyfined; legal defences by the score still continued; a vigorousagitation for a free meal for children, and for fair wages to be paidby all public bodies; work for the dockers and exposure of theirwrongs; a visit to the Cradley Heath chain-makers, speeches to them, writing for them; a contest for the School Board for the Tower Hamletsdivision, and triumphant return at the head of the poll. Such weresome of the ways in which the autumn days were spent, to say nothingof scores of lectures--Secularist, Labour, Socialist--and scores ofarticles written for the winning of daily bread. When the School Boardwork was added I felt that I had as much work as one woman's strengthcould do. 

Thus was ushered in 1889, the to me never-to-be-forgotten year inwhich I found my way "Home, " and had the priceless good fortune ofmeeting, and of becoming the pupil of, H. P. Blavatsky. Ever more andmore had been growing on me the feeling that something more than I hadwas needed for the cure of social ills. The Socialist positionsufficed on the economic side, but where to gain the inspiration, themotive, which should lead to the realisation of the Brotherhood ofMan? Our efforts to really organise bands of unselfish workers hadfailed. Much indeed had been done, but there was not a real movementof self-sacrificing devotion, in which men worked for Love's sakeonly, and asked but to give, not to take. Where was the material forthe nobler Social Order, where the hewn stones for the building of theTemple of Man? A great despair would oppress me as I sought for such amovement and found it not. 

[Illustration: MEMBERS OF THE MATCHMAKERS' UNION. ]

Not only so; but since 1886 there had been slowly growing up aconviction that my philosophy was not sufficient; that life and mindwere other than, more than, I had dreamed. Psychology was advancingwith rapid strides; hypnotic experiments were revealing unlooked-forcomplexities in human consciousness, strange riddles of multiplexpersonalities, and, most startling of all, vivid intensities of mentalaction when the brain, that should be the generator of thought, wasreduced to a comatose state. Fact after fact came hurtling in upon me, demanding explanation I was incompetent to give. I studied theobscurer sides of consciousness, dreams, hallucinations, illusions, insanity. Into the darkness shot a ray of light--A. P. Sinnett's"Occult World, " with its wonderfully suggestive letters, expoundingnot the supernatural but a nature under law, wider than I had dared toconceive. I added Spiritualism to my studies, experimenting privately, finding the phenomena indubitable, but the spiritualistic explanationof them incredible. The phenomena of clairvoyance, clairaudience, thought-reading, were found to be real. Under all the rush of theouter life, already sketched, these questions were working in my mind, their answers were being diligently sought. I read a variety of books, but could find little in them that satisfied me. I experimented invarious ways suggested in them, and got some (to me) curious results. I finally convinced myself that there was some hidden thing, somehidden power, and resolved to seek until I found, and by the earlyspring of 1889 I had grown desperately determined to find at allhazards what I sought. At last, sitting alone in deep thought as I hadbecome accustomed to do after the sun had set, filled with an intensebut nearly hopeless longing to solve the riddle of life and mind, Iheard a Voice that was later to become to me the holiest sound onearth, bidding me take courage for the light was near. A fortnightpassed, and then Mr. Stead gave into my hands two large volumes. "Canyou review these? My young men all fight shy of them, but you arequite mad enough on these subjects to make something of them. " I tookthe books; they were the two volumes of "The Secret Doctrine, " writtenby H. P. Blavatsky. 

Home I carried my burden, and sat me down to read. As I turned overpage after page the interest became absorbing; but how familiar itseemed; how my mind leapt forward to presage the conclusions, hownatural it was, how coherent, how subtle, and yet how intelligible. Iwas dazzled, blinded by the light in which disjointed facts were seenas parts of a mighty whole, and all my puzzles, riddles, problems, seemed to disappear. The effect was partially illusory in one sense, in that they all had to be slowly unravelled later, the braingradually assimilating that which the swift intuition had grasped astruth. But the light had been seen, and in that flash of illuminationI knew that the weary search was over and the very Truth was found. 

I wrote the review, and asked Mr. Stead for an introduction to thewriter, and then sent a note asking to be allowed to call. I receivedthe most cordial of notes, bidding me come, and in the soft springevening Herbert Burrows and I--for his aspirations were as mine onthis matter--walked from Netting Hill Station, wondering what weshould meet, to the door of 17, Lansdowne Road. A pause, a swiftpassing through hall and outer room, through folding-doors thrownback, a figure in a large chair before a table, a voice, vibrant, compelling, "My dear Mrs. Besant, I have so long wished to see you, "and I was standing with my hand in her firm grip, and looking forthe first time in this life straight into the eyes of "H. P. B. " Iwas conscious of a sudden leaping forth of my heart--was itrecognition?--and then, I am ashamed to say, a fierce rebellion, afierce withdrawal, as of some wild animal when it feels a masteringhand. I sat down, after some introductions that conveyed no ideas tome, and listened. She talked of travels, of various countries, easybrilliant talk, her eyes veiled, her exquisitely moulded fingersrolling cigarettes incessantly. Nothing special to record, no word ofOccultism, nothing mysterious, a woman of the world chatting with herevening visitors. We rose to go, and for a moment the veil lifted, andtwo brilliant, piercing eyes met mine, and with a yearning throb inthe voice: "Oh, my dear Mrs. Besant, if you would only come among us!"I felt a well-nigh uncontrollable desire to bend down and kiss her, under the compulsion of that yearning voice, those compelling eyes, but with a flash of the old unbending pride and an inward jeer at myown folly, I said a commonplace polite good-bye, and turned away withsome inanely courteous and evasive remark. "Child, " she said to melong afterwards, "your pride is terrible; you are as proud as Luciferhimself. " But truly I think I never showed it to her again after thatfirst evening, though it sprang up wrathfully in her defence many andmany a time, until I learned the pettiness and the worthlessness ofall criticism, and knew that the blind were objects of compassion notof scorn. 

Once again I went, and asked about the Theosophical Society, wishfulto join, but fighting against it. For I saw, distinct and clear--withpainful distinctness, indeed--what that joining would mean. I hadlargely conquered public prejudice against me by my work on the LondonSchool Board, and a smoother road stretched before me, whereon effortto help should be praised not blamed. Was I to plunge into a newvortex of strife, and make myself a mark for ridicule--worse thanhatred--and fight again the weary fight for an unpopular truth? Must Iturn against Materialism, and face the shame of publicly confessingthat I had been wrong, misled by intellect to ignore the Soul? Must Ileave the army that had battled for me so bravely, the friends whothrough all brutality of social ostracism had held me dear and true?And he, the strongest and truest friend of all, whose confidence I hadshaken by my Socialism--must he suffer the pang of seeing hisco-worker, his co-fighter, of whom he had been so proud, to whom hehad been so generous, go over to the opposing hosts, and leave theranks of Materialism? What would be the look in Charles Bradlaugh'seyes when I told him that I had become a Theosophist? The struggle wassharp and keen, but with none of the anguish of old days in it, forthe soldier had now fought many fights and was hardened by manywounds. And so it came to pass that I went again to Lansdowne Road toask about the Theosophical Society. H. P. Blavatsky looked at mepiercingly for a moment. "Have you read the report about me of theSociety for Psychical Research?" "No; I never heard of it, so far as Iknow. " "Go and read it, and if, after reading it, you comeback--well. " And nothing more would she say on the subject, butbranched off to her experiences in many lands. 

I borrowed a copy of the Report, read and re-read it. Quickly I sawhow slender was the foundation on which the imposing structure wasbuilt. The continual assumptions on which conclusions were based; theincredible character of the allegations; and--most damning fact ofall--the foul source from which the evidence was derived. Everythingturned on the veracity of the Coulombs, and they were self-stamped aspartners in the alleged frauds. Could I put such against the frank, fearless nature that I had caught a glimpse of, against the proudfiery truthfulness that shone at me from the clear, blue eyes, honestand fearless as those of a noble child? Was the writer of "The SecretDoctrine" this miserable impostor, this accomplice of tricksters, thisfoul and loathsome deceiver, this conjuror with trap-doors and slidingpanels? I laughed aloud at the absurdity and flung the Report asidewith the righteous scorn of an honest nature that knew its own kinwhen it met them, and shrank from the foulness and baseness of a lie. The next day saw me at the Theosophical Publishing Company's office at7, Duke Street, Adelphi, where Countess Wachtmeister--one of thelealest of H. P. B. 's friends--was at work, and I signed anapplication to be admitted as fellow of the Theosophical Society. 

On receiving my diploma I betook myself to Lansdowne Road, where Ifound H. P. B. Alone. I went over to her, bent down and kissed her, but said no word. "You have joined the Society?" "Yes. " "You have readthe report?" "Yes. " "Well?" I knelt down before her and clasped herhands in mine, looking straight into her eyes. "My answer is, will youaccept me as your pupil, and give me the honour of proclaiming you myteacher in the face of the world?" Her stern, set face softened, theunwonted gleam of tears sprang to her eyes; then, with a dignity morethan regal, she placed her hand upon my head. "You are a noble woman. May Master bless you. "

From that day, the 10th of May, 1889, until now--two years three andhalf months after she left her body on May 8, 1891--my faith in herhas never wavered, my trust in her has never been shaken. I gave hermy faith on an imperious intuition, I proved her true day after day inclosest intimacy living by her side; and I speak of her with thereverence due from a pupil to a teacher who never failed her, with thepassionate gratitude which, in our School, is the natural meed of theone who opens the gateway and points out the path. "Folly!fanaticism!" scoffs the Englishman of the nineteenth century. Be itso. I have seen, and I can wait. I have been told that I plungedheadlong into Theosophy and let my enthusiasm carry me away. I thinkthe charge is true, in so far as the decision was swiftly taken; butit had been long led up to, and realised the dreams of childhood onthe higher planes of intellectual womanhood. And let me here say thatmore than all I hoped for in that first plunge has been realised, anda certainty of knowledge has been gained on doctrines seen as true asthat swift flash of illumination. I _know_, by personal experiment, that the Soul exists, and that my Soul, not my body, is myself; thatit can leave the body at will; that it can, disembodied, reach andlearn from living human teachers, and bring back and impress on thephysical brain that which it has learned; that this process oftransferring consciousness from one range of being, as it were, toanother, is a very slow process, during which the body and brain aregradually correlated with the subtler form which is essentially thatof the Soul, and that my own experience of it, still so imperfect, sofragmentary, when compared with the experience of the highly trained, is like the first struggles of a child learning to speak compared withthe perfect oratory of the practised speaker; that consciousness, sofar from being dependent on the brain, is more active when freed fromthe gross forms of matter than when encased within them; that thegreat Sages spoken of by H. P. Blavatsky exist; that they wield powersand possess knowledge before which our control of Nature and knowledgeof her ways is but as child's play. All this, and much more, have Ilearned, and I am but a pupil of low grade, as it were in the infantclass of the Occult School; so the first plunge has been successful, and the intuition has been justified. This same path of knowledge thatI am treading is open to all others who will pay the toll demanded atthe gateway--and that toll is willingness to renounce everything forthe sake of spiritual truth, and willingness to give all the truththat is won to the service of man, keeping back no shred for self. 

On June 23rd, in a review of "The Secret Doctrine" in the _NationalReformer, _ the following passages occur, and show how swiftly some ofthe main points of the teaching had been grasped. (There is a blunderin the statement that of the seven modifications of Matter Scienceknows only four, and till lately knew only three; these four aresub-states only, sub-divisions of the lowest plane. )

After saying that the nineteenth-century Englishman would be but toolikely to be repelled if he only skimmed the book, I went on: "Withtelescope and with microscope, with scalpel and with battery, WesternScience interrogates nature, adding fact to fact, storing experienceafter experience, but coming ever to gulfs unfathomable by itsplummets, to heights unscalable by its ladders. Wide and masterful inits answers to the 'How?' the 'Why?' ever eludes it, and causes remainenwrapped in gloom. Eastern Science uses as its scientific instrumentthe penetrating faculties of the mind alone, and regarding thematerial plane as _Maya_--illusion--seeks in the mental and spiritualplanes of being the causes of the material effects. There, too, is theonly reality; there the true existence of which the visible universeis but the shadow. 

"It is clear that from such investigations some further mentalequipment is necessary than that normally afforded by the human body. And here comes the parting of the ways between East and West. For thestudy of the material universe, our five senses, aided by theinstruments invented by Science, may suffice. For all we can hear andsee, taste and handle, these accustomed servitors, though oftenblundering, are the best available guides to knowledge. But it lies inthe nature of the case that they are useless when the investigation isto be into modes of existence which cannot impress themselves on ournerve-ends. For instance, what we know as colour is the vibrationfrequency of etheric waves striking on the retina of the eye, betweencertain definite limits--759 trillions of blows from the maximum, 436trillions from the minimum--these waves give rise in us to thesensation which the brain translates into colour. (Why the 436trillion blows at one end of a nerve become 'Red' at the other end wedo not know; we chronicle the fact but cannot explain it. ) But ourcapacity to respond to the vibration cannot limit the vibrationalcapacity of the ether; to _us_ the higher and lower rates of vibrationdo not exist, but if our sense of vision were more sensitive we shouldsee where now we are blind. Following this line of thought we realisethat matter may exist in forms unknown to us, in modifications towhich our senses are unable to respond. Now steps in the Eastern Sageand says: 'That which you say _may_ be, _is_; we have developed andcultivated senses as much superior to yours as your eye is superior tothat of the jelly-fish; we have evolved mental and spiritual facultieswhich enable us to investigate on the higher planes of being with asmuch certainty as you are investigating on the physical plane; thereis nothing _supernatural_ in the business, any more than yourknowledge is supernatural, though much above that accessible to thefish; we do not speculate on these higher forms of existence; we_know_ them by personal study, just as you know the fauna and flora ofyour world. The powers we possess are not supernatural, they arelatent in every human being, and will be evolved as the raceprogresses. All that we have done is to evolve them more rapidly thanour neighbours, by a procedure as open to you as it was to us. Matteris everywhere, but it exists in seven modifications of which you onlyknow four, and until lately only knew three; in those higher formsreside the causes of which you see the effects in the lower, and toknow these causes you must develop the capacity to take cognisance ofthe higher planes. '"

Then followed a brief outline of the cycle of evolution, and I wenton: "What part does man play in this vast drama of a universe?Needless to say, he is not the only living form in a Cosmos, which forthe most part is uninhabitable by him. As Science has shown livingforms everywhere on the material plane, races in each drop of water, life throbbing in every leaf and blade, so the 'Secret Doctrine'points to living forms on higher planes of existence, each suited toits environment, till all space thrills with life, and nowhere isthere death, but only change. Amid these myriads are some evolvingtowards humanity, some evolving away from humanity as we know it, divesting themselves of its grosser parts. For man is regarded as asevenfold being, four of these parts belonging to the animal body, andperishing at, or soon after, death; while three form his higher self, his true individuality, and these persist and are immortal. These formthe Ego, and it is this which passes through many incarnations, learning life's lesson as it goes, working out its own redemptionwithin the limits of an inexorable law, sowing seeds of which it everreaps the harvest, building its own fate with tireless fingers, andfinding nowhere in the measureless time and space around it any thatcan lift for it one weight it has created, one burden it has gathered, unravel for it one tangle it has twisted, close for it one gulf it hasdigged. "

Then after noting the approaches of Western Science to Eastern, camethe final words: "it is of curious interest to note how some of thelatest theories seem to catch glimpses of the occult Doctrines, asthough Science were standing on the very threshold of knowledge whichshall make all her past seem small. Already her hand is tremblingtowards the grasp of forces beside which all those now at her commandare insignificant. How soon will her grip fasten on them? Let us hopenot until social order has been transformed, lest they should onlygive more to those who have, and leave the wretched still wretchederby force of contrast. Knowledge used by selfishness widens the gulfthat divides man from man and race from race, and we may well shrinkfrom the idea of new powers in Nature being yoked to the car of Greed. Hence the wisdom of those 'Masters, ' in whose name Madame Blavatskyspeaks, has ever denied the knowledge which is power until Love'slesson has been learned, and has given only into the hands of theselfless the control of those natural forces which, misused, wouldwreck society. "

This review, and the public announcement, demanded by honesty, that Ihad joined the Theosophical Society, naturally raised somewhat of astorm of criticism, and the _National Reformer_ of June 30th containedthe following: "The review of Madame Blavatsky's book in the last_National Reformer_, and an announcement in the _Star_, have broughtme several letters on the subject of Theosophy. I am asked for anexplanation as to what Theosophy is, and as to my own opinion onTheosophy--the word 'theosoph' is old, and was used among theNeo-platonists. From the dictionary its new meaning appears to be, 'one who claims to have a knowledge of God, or of the laws of natureby means of internal illumination. ' An Atheist certainly cannot be aTheosophist. A Deist might be a Theosophist. A Monist cannot be aTheosophist. Theosophy must at least involve Dualism. ModernTheosophy, according to Madame Blavatsky, as set out in last week'sissue, asserts much that I do not believe, and alleges some thingsthat, to me, are certainly not true. I have not had the opportunity ofreading Madame Blavatsky's two volumes, but I have read during thepast ten years many publications from the pen of herself, ColonelOlcott, and of other Theosophists. They appear to me to have sought torehabilitate a kind of Spiritualism in Eastern phraseology. I thinkmany of their allegations utterly erroneous, and their reasoningswholly unsound. I very deeply regret indeed that my colleague andco-worker has, with somewhat of suddenness, and without anyinterchange of ideas with myself, adopted as facts matters which seemto me to be as unreal as it is possible for any fiction to be. Myregret is greater as I know Mrs. Besant's devotion to any course shebelieves to be true. I know that she will always be earnest in theadvocacy of any views she undertakes to defend, and I look to possibledevelopments of her Theosophic views with the very gravest misgiving. The editorial policy of this paper is unchanged, and is directlyantagonistic to all forms of Theosophy. I would have preferred on thissubject to have held my peace, for the public disagreeing with Mrs. Besant on her adoption of Socialism has caused pain to both; but onreading her article and taking the public announcement made of herhaving joined the Theosophical organisation, I owe it to those wholook to me for guidance to say this with clearness. 

"CHARLES BRADLAUGH. "

"It is not possible for me here to state fully my reasons for joiningthe Theosophical Society, the three objects of which are: To found aUniversal Brotherhood without distinction of race or creed; to forwardthe study of Aryan literature and philosophy; to investigateunexplained laws of nature and the physical powers latent in man. Onmatters of religious opinion the members are absolutely free. Thefounders of the society deny a personal God, and a somewhat subtleform of Pantheism is taught as the Theosophic view of the universe, though even this is not forced on members of the society. I have nodesire to hide the fact that this form of Pantheism appears to me topromise solution of some problems, especially problems in psychology, which Atheism leaves untouched. 

"ANNIE BESANT. "

Theosophy, as its students well know, so far from involving Dualism, is based on the One, which becomes Two on manifestation, just asAtheism posits one existence, only cognisable in the duality force andmatter, and as philosophic--though not popular--Theism teaches oneDeity whereof are spirit and matter. Mr. Bradlaugh's temperatedisapproval was not copied in its temperance by some other Freethoughtleaders, and Mr. Foote especially distinguished himself by thebitterness of his attacks. In the midst of the whirl I was called awayto Paris to attend, with Herbert Burrows, the great Labour Congressheld there from July 15th to July 20th, and spent a day or two atFontainebleau with H. P. Blavatsky, who had gone abroad for a fewweeks' rest. There I found her translating the wonderful fragmentsfrom "The Book of the Golden Precepts, " now so widely known under thename of "The Voice of the Silence. " She wrote it swiftly, without anymaterial copy before her, and in the evening made me read it aloud tosee if the "English was decent. " Herbert Burrows was there, and Mrs. Candler, a staunch American Theosophist, and we sat round H. P. B. WhileI read. The translation was in perfect and beautiful English, flowingand musical; only a word or two could we find to alter, and she lookedat us like a startled child, wondering at our praises--praises thatany one with the literary sense would endorse if they read thatexquisite prose poem. 

A little earlier in the same day I had asked her as to the agencies atwork in producing the taps so constantly heard at Spiritualistic_Séances_. "You don't use spirits to produce taps, " she said; "seehere. " She put her hand over my head, not touching it, and I heard andfelt slight taps on the bone of my skull, each sending a littleelectric thrill down the spine. She then carefully explained how suchtaps were producible at any point desired by the operator, and howinterplay of the currents to which they were due might be causedotherwise than by conscious human volition. It was in this fashionthat she would illustrate her verbal teachings, proving by experimentthe statements made as to the existence of subtle forces controllableby the trained mind. The phenomena all belonged to the scientific sideof her teaching, and she never committed the folly of claimingauthority for her philosophic doctrines on the ground that she was awonder-worker. And constantly she would remind us that there was nosuch thing as "miracle"; that all the phenomena she had produced wereworked by virtue of a knowledge of nature deeper than that of averagepeople, and by the force of a well-trained mind and will; some of themwere what she would describe as "psychological tricks, " the creationof images by force of imagination, and in pressing them on others as a"collective hallucination"; others, such as the moving of solidarticles, either by an astral hand projected to draw them towards her, or by using an Elemental; others by reading in the Astral Light, andso on. But the proof of the reality of her mission from those whom shespoke of as Masters lay not in these comparatively trivial physicaland mental phenomena, but in the splendour of her heroic endurance, the depth of her knowledge, the selflessness of her character, thelofty spirituality of her teaching, the untiring passion of herdevotion, the incessant ardour of her work for the enlightening ofmen. It was these, and not her phenomena, that won for her our faithand confidence--we who lived beside her, knowing her daily life--andwe gratefully accepted her teaching not because she claimed anyauthority, but because it woke in us powers, the possibility of whichin ourselves we had not dreamed of, energies of the Soul thatdemonstrated their own existence. 

Returning to London from Paris, it became necessary to make a veryclear and definite presentment of my change of views, and in the_Reformer_ of August 4th I find the following: "Many statements arebeing made just now about me and my beliefs, some of which areabsurdly, and some of which are maliciously, untrue. I must ask myfriends not to give credence to them. It would not be fair to myfriend Mr. Bradlaugh to ask him to open the columns of this Journal toan exposition of Theosophy from my pen, and so bring about a longcontroversy on a subject which would not interest the majority of thereaders of the _National Reformer_. This being so I cannot here answerthe attacks made on me. I feel, however, that the party with which Ihave worked for so long has a right to demand of me some explanationof the step I have taken, and I am therefore preparing a pamphletdealing fully with the question. Further, I have arranged with Mr. R. O. Smith to take as subject of the lectures to be delivered by me atthe Hall of Science on August 4th and 11th 'Why I became aTheosophist. ' Meanwhile I think that my years of service in the ranksof the Freethought party give me the right to ask that I should not becondemned unheard, and I even venture to suggest, in view of thepraises bestowed on me by Freethinkers in the past, that it ispossible that there may be something to be said, from the intellectualstandpoint, in favour of Theosophy. The caricatures of it which haveappeared from some Freethinkers' pens represent it about as accuratelyas the Christian Evidence caricatures of Atheism represent thatdignified philosophy of life; and, remembering how much they arethemselves misrepresented, I ask them to wait before they judge. "

The lectures were delivered, and were condensed into a pamphletbearing the same title, which has had a very great circulation. Itclosed as follows:--

"There remains a great stumblingblock in the minds of manyFreethinkers which is certain to prejudice them against Theosophy, andwhich offers to opponents a cheap subject for sarcasm--the assertionthat there exist other living beings than the men and animals found onour own globe. It may be well for people who at once turn away whensuch an assertion is made to stop and ask themselves whether theyreally and seriously believe that throughout this mighty universe, inwhich our little planet is but as a tiny speck of sand in the Sahara, this one planet only is inhabited by living things? Is all theuniverse dumb save for _our_ voices? eyeless save for _our_ vision?dead save for _our_ life? Such a preposterous belief was well enoughin the days when Christianity regarded our world as the centre of theuniverse, the human race as the one for which the Creator had deignedto die. But now that we are placed in our proper position, one amongcountless myriads of worlds, what ground is there for the preposterousconceit which arrogates as ours all sentient existence? Earth, air, water, all are teeming with living things suited to their environment;our globe is overflowing with life. But the moment we pass in thoughtbeyond our atmosphere everything is to be changed. Neither reason noranalogy support such a supposition. It was one of Bruno's crimes thathe dared to teach that other worlds than ours were inhabited; but hewas wiser than the monks who burned him. All the Theosophists aver isthat each phase of matter has living things suited to it, and that allthe universe is pulsing with life. 'Superstition!' shriek the bigoted. It is no more superstition than the belief in Bacteria, or in anyother living thing invisible to the ordinary human eye. 'Spirit' is amisleading word, for, historically, it connotes immateriality and asupernatural kind of existence, and the Theosophist believes neitherin the one nor the other. With him all living things act in andthrough a material basis, and 'matter' and 'spirit' are not founddissociated. But he alleges that matter exists in states other thanthose at present known to science. To deny this is to be about assensible as was the Hindû prince who denied the existence of icebecause water, in his experience, never became solid. Refusal tobelieve until proof is given is a rational position; denial of alloutside of our own limited experience is absurd. 

"One last word to my Secularist friends. If you say to me, 'Leave ourranks, ' I will leave them; I force myself on no party, and the momentI feel myself unwelcome I will go. [29] It has cost me pain enough andto spare to admit that the Materialism from which I hoped all hasfailed me, and by such admission to bring on myself the disapproval ofsome of my nearest friends. But here, as at other times in my life, Idare not purchase peace with a lie. An imperious necessity forces meto speak the truth, as I see it, whether the speech please ordisplease, whether it bring praise or blame. That one loyalty to TruthI must keep stainless, whatever friendships fail me or human ties bebroken. She may lead me into the wilderness, yet I must follow her;she may strip me of all love, yet I must pursue her; though she slayme, yet will I trust in her; and I ask no other epitaph on my tomb but

"'SHE TRIED TO FOLLOW TRUTH. '"

Meanwhile, with this new controversy on my hands, the School Boardwork went on, rendered possible, I ought to say, by the generousassistance of friends unknown to me, who sent me, £150 a year duringthe last year and a half. So also went on the vigorous Socialist work, and the continual championship of struggling labour movements, prominent here being the organisation of the South London fur-pullersinto a union, and the aiding of the movement for shortening the hoursof tram and 'bus men, the meetings for which had to be held aftermidnight. The feeding and clothing of children also occupied much timeand attention, for the little ones in my district were, thousands ofthem, desperately poor. My studies I pursued as best I could, readingin railway carriages, tramcars, omnibuses, and stealing hours forlistening to H. P. B. By shortening the nights. 

In October, Mr. Bradlaugh's shaken strength received its death-blow, though he was to live yet another fifteen months. He collapsedsuddenly under a most severe attack of congestion and lay in imminentperil, devotedly nursed by his only remaining child, Mrs. Bonner, hiselder daughter having died the preceding autumn. Slowly he struggledback to life, after four weeks in bed, and, ordered by his physicianto take rest and if possible a sea voyage, he sailed for India onNovember 28th, to attend the National Congress, where he wasenthusiastically acclaimed as "Member for India. "

In November I argued a libel suit, brought by me against the Rev. Mr. Hoskyns, vicar of Stepney, who had selected some vile passages from abook which was not mine and had circulated them as representing myviews, during the School Board election of 1888. I had against me theSolicitor-General, Sir Edward Clarke, at the bar, and Baron Huddlestonon the bench; both counsel and judge did their best to browbeat me andto use the coarsest language, endeavouring to prove that by advocatingthe limitation of the family I had condemned chastity as a crime. Fivehours of brutal cross-examination left my denial of such teachingsunshaken, and even the pleadings of the judge for the clergyman, defending his parishioners against an unbeliever and his laying downas law that the statement was privileged, did not avail to win averdict. The jury disagreed, not, as one of them told me afterwards, on the question of the libel, but on some feeling that a clergymanought not to be mulcted in damages for his over-zeal in defence of hisfaith against the ravening wolf of unbelief, while others, regardingthe libel as a very cruel one, would not agree to a verdict that didnot carry substantial damages. I did not carry the case to a newtrial, feeling that it was not worth while to waste time over itfurther, my innocence of the charge itself having been fully proved. 

Busily the months rolled on, and early in the year 1890 H. P. Blavatskyhad given to her £1, 000, to use in her discretion for human service, and if she thought well, in the service of women. After a good deal ofdiscussion she fixed on the establishment of a club in East London forworking girls, and with her approval Miss Laura Cooper and I huntedfor a suitable place. Finally we fixed on a very large and old house, 193, Bow Road, and some months went in its complete renovation and thebuilding of a hall attached to it. On August 15th it was opened byMadame Blavatsky, and dedicated by her to the brightening of the lotof hardworking and underpaid girls. It has nobly fulfilled its missionfor the last three years. Very tender was H. P. B. 's heart to humansuffering, especially to that of women and children. She was very poortowards the end of her earthly life, having spent all on her mission, and refusing to take time from her Theosophical work to write for theRussian papers which were ready to pay highly for her pen. But herslender purse was swiftly emptied when any human pain that money couldrelieve came in her way. One day I wrote a letter to a comrade thatwas shown to her, about some little children to whom I had carried aquantity of country flowers, and I had spoken of their faces pinchedwith want. The following characteristic note came to me:--

"MY DEAREST FRIEND, --I have just read your letter to ---- and my heartis sick for the poor little ones! Look here; I have but 30s. Of _myown money_ of which I can dispose (for as you know I am a pauper, andproud of it), but I want you to take them and _not say a word_. Thismay buy thirty dinners for thirty poor little starving wretches, and Imay feel happier for thirty minutes at the thought. Now don't say aword, and do it; take them to those unfortunate babies who loved yourflowers and felt happy. Forgive your old uncouth friend, _useless_ inthis world!

"Ever yours, "H. P. B. "

It was this tenderness of hers that led us, after she had gone, tofound the "H. P. B. Home for little children, " and one day we hope tofulfil her expressed desire that a large but homelike Refuge foroutcast children should be opened under the auspices of theTheosophical Society. 

The lease of 17, Lansdowne Road expiring in the early summer of 1890, it was decided that 19, Avenue Road should be turned into theheadquarters of the Theosophical Society in Europe. A hall was builtfor the meetings of the Blavatsky Lodge--the lodge founded by her--andvarious alterations made. In July her staff of workers was unitedunder one roof; thither came Archibald and Bertram Keightley, who haddevoted themselves to her service years before, and the CountessWachtmeister, who had thrown aside all the luxuries of wealth and ofhigh social rank to give all to the cause she served and the friendshe loved with deep and faithful loyajty; and George Mead, hersecretary and earnest disciple, a man of strong brain and strongcharacter, a fine scholar and untiring worker; thither, too, ClaudeWright, most lovable of Irishmen, with keen insight underlying abright and sunny nature, careless on the surface, and Walter Old, dreamy and sensitive, a born psychic, and, like many such, easilyswayed by those around him; Emily Kislingbury also, a studious andearnest woman; Isabel Cooper Oakley, intuitional and studious, a rarecombination, and a most devoted pupil in Occult studies; James Pryse, an American, than whom none is more devoted, bringing practicalknowledge to the help of the work, and making possible the largedevelopment of our printing department. These, with myself, were atfirst the resident staff, Miss Cooper and Herbert Burrows, who werealso identified with the work, being prevented by other obligationsfrom living always as part of the household. 

The rules of the house were--and are--very simple, but H. P. B. Insisted on great regularity of life; we breakfasted at 8 a. M. , worked till lunch at 1, then again till dinner at 7. After dinnerthe outer work for the Society was put aside, and we gathered inH. P. B. 's room where we would sit talking over plans, receivinginstructions, listening to her explanation of knotty points. By 12midnight all the lights had to be extinguished. My public work took meaway for many hours, unfortunately for myself, but such was theregular run of our busy lives. She herself wrote incessantly; alwayssuffering, but of indomitable will, she drove her body through itstasks, merciless to its weaknesses and its pains. Her pupils shetreated very variously, adapting herself with nicest accuracy to theirdiffering natures; as a teacher she was marvellously patient, explaining a thing over and over again in different fashions, untilsometimes after prolonged failure she would throw herself back in herchair: "My God!" (the easy "Mon Dieu" of the foreigner) "am I a foolthat you can't understand? Here, So-and-so"--to some one on whosecountenance a faint gleam of comprehension was discernible--"tellthese flapdoodles of the ages what I mean. " With vanity, conceit, pretence of knowledge, she was merciless, if the pupil were apromising one; keen shafts of irony would pierce the sham. With someshe would get very angry, lashing them out of their lethargy withfiery scorn; and in truth she made herself a mere instrument for thetraining of her pupils, careless what they, or any one else thought ofher, providing that the resulting benefit to them was secured. And we, who lived around her, who in closest intimacy watched her day afterday, we bear witness to the unselfish beauty of her life, the nobilityof her character, and we lay at her feet our most reverent gratitudefor knowledge gained, lives purified, strength developed. O noble andheroic Soul, whom the outside purblind world misjudges, but whom yourpupils partly saw, never through lives and deaths shall we repay thedebt of gratitude we owe to you. 

And thus I came through storm to peace, not to the peace of anuntroubled sea of outer life, which no strong soul can crave, but toan inner peace that outer troubles may not avail to ruffle--a peacewhich belongs to the eternal not to the transitory, to the depths notto the shallows of life. It carried me scatheless through the terriblespring of 1891, when death struck down Charles Bradlaugh in theplenitude of his usefulness, and unlocked the gateway into rest for H. P. Blavatsky. Through anxieties and responsibilities heavy andnumerous it has borne me; every strain makes it stronger; every trialmakes it serener; every assault leaves it more radiant. Quietconfidence has taken the place of doubt; a strong security the placeof anxious dread. In life, through death, to life, I am but theservant of the great Brotherhood, and those on whose heads but for amoment the touch of the Master has rested in blessing can never againlook upon the world save through eyes made luminous with the radianceof the Eternal Peace. 

PEACE TO ALL BEINGS. 

FOOTNOTES:

[Footnote 1: This odious law has now been altered, and a married womanis a person, not a chattel. ]

[Footnote 2: "The Disciples, " p. 14. ]

[Footnote 3: "On the Nature and Existence of God. " 1874. ]

[Footnote 4: "On the Nature and Existence of God. " 1874. ]

[Footnote 5: "The Gospel of Atheism. " 1876. ]

[Footnote 6: "Why I do not Believe in God. " 1887. ]

[Footnote 7: Ibid. ]

[Footnote 8: Ibid. ]

[Footnote 9: "Life, Death, and Immortality. " 1886. ]

[Footnote 10: "Life, Death, and Immortality. " 1886. ]

[Footnote 11: "Life, Death, and Immortality. " 1886. ]

[Footnote 12: Ibid. ]

[Footnote 13: "The Gospel of Atheism. " 1876. ]

[Footnote 14: "On the Nature and Existence of God. " 1874. ]

[Footnote 15: "The True Basis of Morality. " 1874. ]

[Footnote 16: "Gospel of Atheism. " 1876. ]

[Footnote 17: "On the Nature and Existence of God. " 1874. ]

[Footnote 18: "A World without God. " 1885. ]

[Footnote 19: "The Gospel of Atheism. " 1876. ]

[Footnote 20: "The Gospels of Christianity and Freethought. " 1874. ]

[Footnote 21: "A World without God. " 1885. ]

[Footnote 22: "A World without God. " 1885. ]

[Footnote 23: "The Gospel of Atheism. " 1876. ]

[Footnote 24: "A World without God. " 1885. ]

[Footnote 25: "A World without God. " 1885. ]

[Footnote 26: "The Christian Creed. " 1884. ]

[Footnote 27: _National Reformer_, June 18, 1882]

[Footnote 28: _Theosophist_, June, 1882. ]

[Footnote 29: I leave these words as they were written in 1889. Iresigned my office in the N. S. S. In 1890, feeling that the N. S. S. Wasso identified with Materialism that it had no longer place for me. ]

LIST OF BOOKS QUOTED. 

"Autobiography, " J. S. Mill, 184

"Christian Creed, The, " 173

"Freethinkers' Text-book, " 144

"Gospel of Atheism, The, " 145, 152, 158, 168

"Gospels of Christianity and Freethought, " 164

"Life, Death, and Immortality, " 147, 149, 150

_Link_, The, 333

_National Reformer_, The, 79, 80, 280, 346-50, 354

_Our Corner, _286, 329

_Theosophist_, The, 282, 288

"True Basis of Morality, " 156

"Why I do Not Believe in God, " 146

"World without God, " 165, 169, 172

INDEX. 

Affirmation Bill brought in, 287 rejected, 299Atheist, position as an, 139Authorship, first attempts at, 84. 

Bennett, D. M. , prosecution of, 232Blasphemy prosecution, 283, 287, 289Blavatsky, H. P. , 189, 337 meeting with, 341"Bloody Sunday, " 324Bradlaugh, Charles, first meeting with, 135 as friend, 137 in the Clock Tower, 258 and the scene in the House, 265 _v_. Newdegate; result, 289 prosecuted for blasphemy, 283, 289

Confirmation, 51

Daughter, application to remove, 213 denied access to, 219Death of father, 21 of mother, 126Doubt the first, 58

"Elements of Social Science, " 196Engagement, 69Essay, first Freethought, 113

Fenians, the, 73_Freethinker_ prosecution, 283, 287, 296Freethought Publishing Company, the, 285

Harrow, life at, 30Hoskyns, Rev. E. , libel action against, 359

Knowlton pamphlet, the, 205 prosecution, 208 trial, 210

"Law of Population, The, " 212, 210"Law and Liberty League, " the, 326Lecture, the first, 181Linnell, the Trafalgar Square victim, 316 funeral of, 327_Link_, founding of the, 331

Malthusian League formed, 229Malthusianism and Theosophy, 240Marriage, 70 tie broken, noMatch-girls' strike, 335 Union, established, 336

_National Reformer, _ the, 134 first contribution to, 180 resignation of co-editorship, 320National Secular Society joined, 135 elected vice-president of, 202 resignation of, 357Northampton Election, 183 struggle, 253, 344

Oaths Bill, the, 314, 329_Our Corner_, 286, 314

Political Opinions, 174Pusey, Dr. , 109, 284

Russian politics, 311

Scientific work, 249School Board, election to, 338Scott, Thomas, 112, 127Socialism, 299 debate on, between Messrs. Bradlaugh and Hyndman, 301Socialist debates, 318, 319Socialists and open-air speaking, 312 Defence Association, 323Stanley, Dean, 23, 122

Theosophical Society, the, 180 joined, 344 headquarters established, 361Theosophy and Charles Bradlaugh, 350 the National Secular Society, 357Trafalgar Square, closing of, to the public, 323Truelove, Edward, trial of, 225

Voysey, Rev. Charles, 106

Working Women's Club, 337, 360