[Illustration]

ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND

BY THE SAME AUTHOR

 A House-boat on the Styx Coffee and Repartee Mollie and the Unwiseman Worsted Man; A Musical Play for Amateurs The Enchanted Typewriter Ghosts I Have Met Mrs. Raffles Olympian Nights R. Holmes & Co. And Many Other Short Stories

Alice in Blunderland

An Iridescent Dream

By

JOHN KENDRICK BANGS

Illustrated by

ALBERT LEVERING

New YorkDoubleday, Page & Company1907

COPYRIGHT, 1906, BY THEMUNICIPAL OWNERSHIP PUBLISHING BUREAU

COPYRIGHT, 1907, BYDOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANYPUBLISHED, SEPTEMBER, 1907

CONTENTS

 CHAPTER PAGE

 I. Off to Blunderland 3

 II. The Immovable Trolley 19

 III. The Aromatic Gas Plant 37

 IV. The City-owned Police 56

 V. The Municipaphone 73

 VI. The Department of Public Verse 92

 VII. The Municipal Ownership of Children 108

ILLUSTRATIONS

 PAGE

 The Cheshire Cat 5

 The March Hare 6

 "'Listen here'" 7

 The municipal chewery 11

 The municipal toothery 13

 "Handing her a card" 17

 "'Put that fellow off'" 20

 "Requested the Hatter to crack a filbert for him" 24

 "'Banged into the car ahead'" 27

 The Chief Engineer 30

 "'It came to me like a flash'" 31

 "'Studying the economic theories of Dr. Wack'" 45

 "The White Knight interfered" 48

 "'In the matter of perfume it was fine'" 50

 "'Nobody could be gas-fixturated'" 51

 "Wrote on the side of a convenient gas tank" 57

 "'I'm the soundest sleeper in town'" 59

 "'Tea is served on every corner'" 64

 "'We respond immediately to the call'" 67

 "Made off with the agility of an antelope" 69

 "'You can talk all you please'" 73

 "'Fined five dollars'" 84

 "'The dictionary we are compiling'" 85

 "Alice transfixed at the phone" 86

 "'The biggest jackass from Dan to Beersheba'" 87

 "'Larger measure than was the custom'" 94

 "Greeted by the Commissioner, the Haberdasher" 99

 "'It runs this way, your honour'" 100

 "'Our thinking department'" 102

 "'When they think nobody's looking'" 116

 "'If you get into trouble, use this'" 119

 "Seizing her by the arm" 122

 "'Why--have I--I really fallen?'" 124

CHAPTER I

OFF TO BLUNDERLAND

It was one of those dull, drab, depressing days when somehow or other itseemed as if there wasn't anything anywhere for anybody to do. It wasraining outdoors, so that Alice could not amuse herself in the garden, or call upon her friend Little Lord Fauntleroy up the street; anddownstairs her mother was giving a Bridge Party for the benefit of theM. O. Hot Tamale Company, which had lately fallen upon evil days. Alice's mother was a very charitably disposed person, and while sheloathed gambling in all its forms, was nevertheless willing for the sakeof a good cause to forego her principles on alternate Thursdays, but shewas very particular that her little daughter should be kept aloof fromcontaminating influences, so that Alice found herself locked in thenursery and, as I have already intimated, with nothing to do. She hadread all her books--The House of Mirth, the novels of Hall Caine andMarie Corelli--the operation for appendicitis upon her dollie, whilevery successful indeed, had left poor Flaxilocks without a scrap ofsawdust in her veins, and therefore unable to play; and worst of all, her pet kitten, under the new city law making all felines publicproperty, had grown into a regular cat and appeared only at mealtimes, and then in so disreputable a condition that he was not thought to befit company for a child of seven. 

"Oh dear!" cried Alice impatiently, as she sat rocking in her chair, listening to the pattering of the rain upon the roof of the veranda. "Ido wish there was something to do, or somebody to do, or somewhere togo. The Gov'ment ought to provide covered playgrounds for children onwet days. It wouldn't cost much, to put a glass cover on the Park!"

"A very good, idea! I'll make a note of that, " said a squeaky littlevoice at her side. 

[Illustration: THE CHESHIRE CAT]

Alice sprang to her feet in surprise. She had supposed she was alone, and for a moment she was frightened, but a glance around reassured her, for strange to say, seated on the radiator warming his toes was her oldfriend the Hatter, the queer old chap she had met in her marvellous tripthrough Wonderland, and with him was the March Hare, the Cheshire Cat, and the White Knight from Looking Glass Land. 

"Why--you dear old things!" she cried. "You here?"

"I don't know about these others, but I'm here, " returned the Hatter. "The others seem to be here, but I respectfully decline to take mysolemn daffydavy on the subject, because my doctor says I'm all the timeseeing things that ain't. Besides I don't believe in swearing. "

[Illustration: THE MARCH HARE]

"We're here all right, " put in the March Hare. "I know because we ain'tanywhere else, and when you ain't anywhere else you can make up yourmind that you're here. "

"Well, I'm awfully glad to see you, " said Alice. "I've been solonesome----"

"We know that, " said the White Knight. "We've been studying your caselately and we thought we'd come down and see what we could do for you. The fact is the Hatter here has founded a model city, where everythinggoes just right, and we came to ask you to pay us a call. "

"A city?" cried Alice. 

"Yep, " said the March Hare. "It's called Blunderland and between you andme I don't believe anybody but the Hatter could have invented one likeit. His geegantic brain conceived the whole thing, and I tell you it's acorker. "

"Where is it?" asked Alice. 

"That's telling, " said the Hatter. "I haven't had it copyrighted yet, and until I do I ain't going to tell where it is. You can't be toocareful about property these days with copperations lurkin' aroundeverywhere to grab everything in sight. "

"What's a copperation?" asked Alice. 

"What? Never heard of a Copperation?" demanded the Hatter. "Mercy! Everhear of the Mumps, or the Measles, or the Whooping Cough?"

"Yes--but I never knew they were called Copperations, " said Alice. 

[Illustration: "LISTEN HERE"]

"Well, they ain't, but they're no worse--so they ought to be, " said theHatter. "Listen here. I'll tell you what a copperation is. "

And putting his hat in front of his mouth like a telephone the Hatterrecited the following poem through it:

THE COPPERATION

 A copperation is a beast With forty leven paws That doesn't ever pay the least Attention to the laws. 

 It grabs whatever comes in sight From hansom cabs to socks And with a grin of mad delight It turns 'em into stocks

 And then it takes a rubber hose Connected with the sea And pumps em full of H+2+Os Of various degree

 And when they're swollen up so stout You'd think they'd surely bust They souse 'em once again and out They come at last a Trust

 And when the Trust is ready for One last and final whack They let the public in the door To buy the water back. 

"See?" said the Hatter as he finished. 

"No, " said Alice. "It sounded very pretty through your hat, but I don'tunderstand it. Why should people buy water when they can get it fornothing in the ocean?"

"You're like all the rest, " groaned the Hatter. "Nobody seems tounderstand but me, and somehow or other I can't make it clear to otherpeople. "

"You might if you didn't talk through your hat, " grinned the CheshireCat. 

"Then I'd have to stop being a public character, " said the Hatter. "I'mnot going to sacrifice my career just because you're too ignorant to seewhat I'm driving at. I don't mind telling you though, Alice, thatoutside of poetry a Copperation is a Creature devised by SelfishInterests to secure the Free Coinage of the Atlantic Ocean. "

 "Little drops of water, Plenty of hot air, Make a Copperation A pretty fat affair, "

warbled the March Hare. 

"O well, " said Alice, "what about it? Suppose there is such an animalaround. What are we going to do about it?"

"We're going to gerraple with it, " said the Hatter, with a valiant shakeof his hat. "We're going to grab it by its throat, and shake it down, and shackle it so that in forty years it will become as tame as a flyor any other highly domesticated animal. "

"But how?" asked Alice. "You aren't going to do this yourself, are you?Single handed and alone?"

[Illustration: THE MUNICIPAL CHEWERY]

"Yes, " said the Hatter. "The March Hare and the White Knight and I. We've started a city to do it with. We've sprinkled our streets withRough on Copperations until there isn't one left in the place. Everything in town belongs to the People--street cars, gutters, pavements, theatres, electric light, cabs, manicures, dogs, cats, canarybirds, hotels, barber shops, candy stores, hats, umbrellas, bakeries, cakeries, steakeries, shops, --you can't think of a thing that the citydon't own. No more private ownership of anything from a toothbrush to ayacht, and the result is we are all happy. "

"It sounds fine, " said Alice. "Though I think I should rather own my owntoothbrush. "

"You naturally would under the old system, " assented the Hatter. "Undera system of private ownership owning your own teeth you'd prefer to ownyour own toothbrush, but our Council has just passed a law making teethpublic property. You see we found that some people had teeth and otherpeople hadn't, which is hardly a fair condition under a Republican formof Government. It gave one class of citizens a distinct advantage overother people and the Declaration of Independence demands absoluteequality for all. One man owning his own teeth could eat all the hickorynuts he wanted just because he had teeth to crack 'em with, whileanother man not having teeth had either to swallow em whole, whichruined his digestion, or go without, which wasn't fair. 

"I see, " said Alice. 

[Illustration: THE MUNICIPAL TOOTHERY]

"So it occurred to Mr. Alderman March Hare here, " continued the Hatter, "that we should legislate in the matter, and at our last session wepassed a law providing for the Municipal Ownership of Teeth, so that nowwhen a toothless wanderer wants a hickory nut cracked he has a perfectlylegal right to stop anybody in the street who has teeth and make himcrack the nut for him. Of course we've had a little trouble enforcingthe law--alleged private rights are always difficult to get around. Long-continued possession has seemed so to convince people that theyhave inherent rights to the things they have enjoyed, that they put up afight and appeal to the Constitution and all that, and even when youmention the fact, as I did in a case that came up the other day (when aman refused to bite on another chap's cigar for him), that theConstitution doesn't mention teeth anywhere in all its classes, they arenot easy to convince. This fellow insisted that his teeth were privateproperty, and no city law should make them public property. He's goingto take it to the Supreme Court. Meanwhile his teeth are in the custodyof the sheriff. 

"And what has become of the man?" asked Alice. 

"He's in the custody of the sheriff too, " said the Hatter. "We couldn'tarrange it any other way except by pulling his teeth, and he didn't wantthat. "

"I can't blame him, " said Alice reflectively. "I should hate to have myteeth taken away from me. "

"O there's no obfuscation about it, " said the Hatter. 

"Confuscation, " corrected the March Hare. "I wish you would get thatword right. It's too important to fool with. "

"Thank you, " replied the Hatter. "My mind is on higher things than merewords. However, as I was saying, there is no cobfuscation about it. Wedon't take a man's teeth away from him without compensation. We pay himwhat the teeth are worth and place them at the service of the wholecommunity. 

"Where do you get the money to pay him?" asked Alice. 

"We give him a Municipal Bond, " explained the Hatter. "It's a ten percent. Bond costing two cents to print. When he cracks a hickory nut forthe public, the man he cracks it for pays him a cent. He rings this upon a cash register he carries pinned to his vest, and at the end ofevery week turns in the cash to the City Treasury. That money is used topay the interest on the bonds. The scheme has the additional advantagethat it makes a man's teeth negotiable property in the sense thatwhereas under the old system he couldn't very well sell his teeth, underthe new system he can sell the bond if he gets hard up. Moreover, theCity Government having acquired control has to pay all his dentist'sbills, supply tooth powder and so on, which results in a great saving tothe individual. It hardly costs the city anything, except for the ToothInspector, who is paid $1, 200 a year, but we can handle that easilyenough, provided the people will use the Public Teeth in sufficientlylarge numbers to bring in dividends. Anyhow, we have gone in for it, and I see no reason why it should not work as well as any otherMunicipal Ownership scheme. "

"I should love to go and see your city, " said Alice, who, though notquite convinced as to the desirability of the Municipal Ownership ofTeeth, was nevertheless very much interested. 

"Very well, " said the Hatter. "We can go at once, for I see the train isalready standing in the Station. "

"The Station?" cried Alice. "What Station?"

[Illustration: "HANDING HER A CARD"]

But before the Hatter could answer, Alice, glancing through the window, caught sight of a very beautiful train standing before the veranda, andin a moment she found herself stepping on board with her friends, whilea soft-spoken guard at the door was handing her an engraved card upon asilver salver "Respectfully Inviting Miss Alice to Step Lively There. "

CHAPTER II

THE IMMOVABLE TROLLEY

"What an extraordinary car, " said Alice, as she stepped into thebrilliantly lighted vehicle. "It doesn't seem to have any end to it, "she added as she passed down the aisle, looking for the front platform. 

"It hasn't, " said the Hatter. "It just runs on forever. "

"Doesn't it stop anywhere?" cried Alice in amazement. 

"It stops everywhere, " said the Hatter. "What I mean is it hasn't anyends at all. It's just one big circular car that runs all around thecity and joins itself where it began in the beginning. We call it theM. O. Express, M. O. Standing for Municipal Ownership----"

"And Money Owed, " laughed a Weasel that sat on the other side of thecar. 

[Illustration: "PUT THAT FELLOW OFF"]

"Put that fellow off, " said the March Hare indignantly. "Conductor--outwith him. "

The Conductor immediately threw the Weasel out of the window, asordered, and the Hatter resumed. 

"We call it the express because it is so fast, " he continued. 

"You'd hardly think it was going at all, " observed Alice, as she noticedthe entire lack of motion in the car. 

"It isn't, " said the Hatter. "It's built on a solid foundation anddoesn't move an inch, and yet at the same time it runs all around thecity. It was my idea, " he added proudly. 

"But you said it was fast, " protested Alice. 

"And so it is, my child, " said the Hatter kindly. "It's as fast asthough it was glued down with mucilage. There's several ways of beingfast, you know. Did you ever hear of the Ballade of the _NancyP. D. Q. _?"

"No, " said Alice. 

"It's a Sea Song in B flat, " said the Hatter. "I will sing it for you. "

And placing his hat before his lips to give a greater mellowness to hisvoice, the Hatter sang:

THE BALLADE OF THE _NANCY P. D. Q. _

 O the good ship _Nancy P. D. Q. _ From up in Boston, Mass. , Went sailing o'er the bounding blue Cargoed with apple sass. 

 She sailed around Ogunkit Bay Down past the Banks of Quogue, And on a brilliant summer's day, Just off the coast of Mandelay, She landed in a fog. 

 So brace the topsails close, my lads, And stow your grog, my crew, For the waves are steep and the fog is deep Round the _Nancy P. D. Q. _

 As in the fog she groped around-- The night was black as soot-- She ran against Long Island Sound, Out where the codfish toot. And when the moon rose o'er the scene So smiling, sweet and bland, She poked her nose so sharp and keen-- 'Twas freshly painted olive green-- Deep in a bar of sand. 

 So splice the garboard strakes, my lads, And reef the starboard screw-- For it sticks like tar, that sandy bar, To the _Nancy P. D. Q. _

 O the Skipper swore with a "Yeave-ho-ho!" And the crew replied "Hi-hi!" And then, with a cheerful "Heave-ho-yo, " They pumped the bowsprit dry. "Three cheers!" the Mate cried with a sneeze "Hurrah for this old boat! She sails two knots before the breeze, But on the bar, by Jingo, she's The fastest thing afloat!"

 So up with the gallant flag, my lads, With a hip-hip-hip-hooroo, For the liner fast is now outclassed By the _Nancy P. D. Q. _

Alice scratched her chin in perplexity, but the Hatter never stopped. 

"I got an idea from that ballad, " he rattled on. "If you want trainsfast you've got to build 'em fast. "

"Yes, but if they don't go--how does anybody get anywhere?" asked Alice. 

"They can get off and walk, " said the Hatter. "And it's a great dealless dangerous getting off a train that doesn't move than off one thatdoes. "

"I can see that, " said. Alice. "That weasel, for instance, would havebeen badly hurt if he had been thrown through the window of a movingcar. "

"That's it exactly, " said the Hatter. "As Alderman March Hare puts it, we M. O. People are after the comfort and safety of the people first, last and all the time. Everything else is a tertiary considerationmerely. "

"What's tertiary?" asked Alice. 

"Third, " said the Hatter. "To come in third. It's a combination ofturtle and dromedary. "

[Illustration: "REQUESTED THE HATTER TO CRACK A FILBERT FOR HIM"]

Just at this moment a man walking through the car stopped and requestedthe Hatter to crack a filbert for him, which the Hatter cheerfully did. The passer-by thanked him and paid him a cent, which the Hatterimmediately rang up on a small cash register on his vest, as required bythe laws of Blunderland. 

"That's the way the Municipal Ownership of Teeth works, " said the Hatteras the man passed on, and then he resumed. "This street railwaybusiness, however, was a much harder proposition than the MunicipalOwnership of Teeth. When we took the railways over of course we had torun 'em on the old system until we'd learned the business. Thefirst thing we did was to get educated men for Motormen andConductors--polite fellows, you know, who'd stop a car when you asked'em to, and when they started wouldn't do it with such a jerk that innine cases out of ten it was only the back door that kept the car frombeing yanked clean from under your feet, letting you land in the streetbehind. "

"I know, " said Alice. "Like a game of snap the whip. "

"Exactly, " said the Hatter. "Under the old method of starting a car younever knew, when you were going home nights, whether you'd land in thebosom of your family or in a basket of eggs somebody was bringing homefrom market. So we advertised for polite motormen and conductors, and wegot a great lot of them, mostly retired druggists, floor-walkers, poetsand fellows like that, with a few ex-politicians thrown in to give toneto the service, and we put them on, but they didn't know anything aboutmotoring, unfortunately. Somehow or other good manners and expertmotoring didn't seem to go together, and in consequence we had a fearfullot of collisions at first. I don't think there was a whole backplatform in the outfit at the end of the week, no matter which way thecar was going. "

"Must have been awful, " said Alice. 

[Illustration: "BANGED INTO THE CAR AHEAD"]

"It was, " said the Hatter, "and the public began to complain. One manwho got his nose pinched between two cars sued us for damages and wehad to return his fare. Finally one day one of the old bobtail cars gotrunning away, and the first we knew it banged into the car ahead andwent right through it, coming out in front still going like mad afterthe next car, and we knew something had to be done. "

"Mercy!" cried Alice. "I should think the passengers in the first carwould have sued you for that. "

"They would have, " said the Hatter, "if they could have scraped enoughof themselves together again to appear in court. "

"It was a hard problem, " said the March Hare. 

"The hardest ever, " asserted the Hatter. "But the White Knight theregave me a clue to the solution--he's our Copperation Council--and I putit up to him for an opinion, and after thinking it over for two monthshe reported. The only way to prevent collisions, said he, is to cut theends off the cars. That was it, wasn't it, Judge?" he added, turning tothe White Knight. 

"Yes, " said the Knight, "only I put it in poetry. My precise words were

 "The only way that I can find To stop this car colliding stunt Is cutting off the end behind And likewise that in front. "

"Splendid!" cried Alice, clapping her hands in glee. "That's fine. "

"Thank you, " said the White Knight. "You see, Miss Alice, I made apersonal study of collisions. The Mayor here ordered a fresh one everyday for me to investigate, and I noticed that whenever two cars bunkedinto each other it was always at the ends and never in the middle. Theconclusion was inevitable. The ends being the venerable spot, abolishthem. 

"A very careful and conscientious public servant, " whispered the MarchHare aside to Alice. "When we have Municipal Ownership of the FederalGovernment we're going to put him on the Supreme Court Bench. He meansvulnerable when he says venerable, but you mustn't mind that. When wehave Municipal Ownership of the English Language we'll make the wordsmean what we want 'em to. "

[Illustration: "THE CHIEF ENGINEER"]

"Then of course the question arose as to how we could do this, " said theHatter. "I got the Chief Engineer of our Department of Public Works tomake some experiments, and would you believe it, when we cut the endson the cars, there were still other ends left? No matter how far weclipped 'em, it was the same. It's a curious scientific fact that youcan't cut off the end of anything and leave it endless. We tried it witha lot of things--cars, lengths of hose, coils of wire, rope--everythingwe could think of--always with the same result. Ends were endless, butnothing else was. As a matter of fact they multiplied on us. One carthat had two ends when we began was cut in the middle, and then wasfound to have four ends instead of two. "

"That's so, isn't it!" cried Alice. 

[Illustration: "IT CAME TO ME LIKE A FLASH"]

"It unquestionably is, " said the Hatter, "and we were at our wits' endsuntil one night it came to me like a flash. I had gone to bed on a ParkBench, according to my custom of using nothing that is not owned by thecity, for I am very serious about this thing, when just as I was dozingon the whole scheme unfolded itself. Build a circular car, of course. One big enough to go all around the city. That would solve so manyproblems. With only one car, there'd be no car ahead, which alwaysirritates people who miss it and then have to take it later. With onlyone car, there could be no collisions. With only one car we could getalong with only one motorman and one conductor at a time, thus givingthe others time to go to dancing school and learn good manners. Withonly one car, and that a permanent fixture, nobody could miss it. If itdidn't move we could economise on motive power, and even bounce themotorman without injury to the service, if he should happen to beimpudent to the Board of Aldermen; nobody would be run over by it;nobody would be injured getting on and off; it wouldn't make anydifference if the motorman didn't see the passenger who wanted to getaboard. Being circular there'd always be room enough to go around, andthere'd be no front or back platform for the people to stand on or getthrown off of going round the curves. The expenses of keeping up theroadbed would be nothing, because, being motionless, the car wouldn'tjolt even if it ran over a thank-you-marm a mile high, and best of all, a circular car has no ends to collide with other ends, which makes itabsolutely safe. I never heard of a car colliding with itself, did you?"

"No, I never did, " replied Alice. 

"Nor I neither, " said the March Hare. "I don't think it ever happened, and therefore I reason that it ain't going to happen. "

"And how do the people like it?" asked Alice. 

"O, they're getting to like it, " replied the Hatter. "At first theydidn't want to ride on the thing at all. They said what you did, thatthey didn't seem to be getting anywhere, and they hated to walk home, but after awhile we proved to them that walking was a very healthfulexercise, and on rainy nights they found the covered car a good deal ofa convenience, especially when under the old system of private ownershipof umbrellas they had left their bumbershoots at home. Once or twicethey lost their tempers and sassed the conductor, but he put them injail for lazy majesty--a German disease that we have imported for thepurpose. As an officer of the Government the conductor has a right toarrest anybody who sasses him as guilty of sedition, and a night or twoin jail takes the fun out of that. "

"Have you had any elections since you established it?" asked Alice, whose father had once run for Mayor, and who therefore knew somethingabout politics. 

"No, " said the Hatter with an easy laugh. "But we will have one in thespring. We shall be reëlected all right. "

"How do you know?" asked Alice. "If the people don't like MunicipalOwnership----"

"O, but they do, " said the March Hare. "You see, Miss Alice, we haveemployed a safe majority of the voters in the various Departments of ourM. O. System, their terms expiring coincidentally with our own--so ifthey vote against us they vote against themselves. It really makesMunicipal Ownership self-perpetrating. "

"He means perpetuating, " whispered the March Hare. 

"Ah, " said Alice. "I see. "

Just then a heavy gong like a huge fire alarm sounded and all thepassengers sprang to their feet and made for the doors. 

"What's that?" cried Alice, timidly, as she rose up hurriedly with allthe rest. 

"Don't be alarmed. It's only the signal that our time is up, " said theHatter. "We must get out now and make room for others who may wish touse the cars. Nobody can monopolise anything under our system. I willnow take you to see our Gas and Hot Air Plant. It is one of the sevenwonders of the world. "

And the little party descended into the street. 

CHAPTER III

THE AROMATIC GAS PLANT

After the little party had descended from the marvellous trolley, concerning which the March Hare observed, most properly, that underprivate ownership nothing so safe and sane would ever have been thoughtof, they walked along a beautiful highway, bordered with rosebushes, oleanders and geraniums, until they came to a lovely little park at theentrance to which was a huge sign announcing that within was

THE BLUNDERLAND GAS PLANT. 

To tell the truth Alice had not cared particularly to visit the GasWorks, because she had once been driven through what was known at homeas the Gas-House district on her way to the ferry, and herrecollections of it were not altogether pleasant. As she recalled it itwas in a rather squalid neighbourhood, and the odours emanating from itwere not pleasing to what she called her "oil-factories. " But here inBlunderland all was different. Instead of the huge ugly retorts risingup out of the ground, surrounded by a quality of air that one could notbreathe with comfort, was as beautiful a garden as anyone could wish towander through, and at its centre there stood a retort, but not one thatlooked like a great iron skull cap painted red. On the contrary theMunicipally Owned retort had architecturally all the classic beauty of aCarnegie Library. 

"We call it the Retort Courteous, " said the Hatter pridefully as hegazed at the structure, and smiled happily as he noted Alice's veryevident admiration for it. "You see, in urban affairs, as a mere matterof fitness, we believe in cultivating urbanity, my child, and inconsequence everything we do is conceived in a spirit of courtesy. Thegas-houses under private ownership have not been what you would callpolite. They were almost invariably heavy, rude, staring structures thatreared themselves offensively in the public eye, and our first effortwas to subliminate----"

"Ee-liminate, " whispered the March Hare. 

"I beg your pardon, Mr. Hare, " retorted the Hatter. "I did not meanee-liminate, which means to suppress, but subliminate, which means tosublimify or make sublime. I guess I know my own language. "

"Excuse me, " said the March Hare meekly. "I haven't studied the M. O. Dictionary beyond the letter Q, Mr. Mayor, and I was not aware that theCommon Council had as yet passed favourably upon subliminate, either, "he added with some feeling. 

"That is because it was not until yesterday that the CopperationCouncil decided that subliminate was a constitutional word, " said theHatter sharply. "In view of his report to me, which I wrote myself andtherefore know the provisions of, he states that subliminate is aperfectly just and proper word involving no infringement upon the rightsof others, and in no wise impairing the value of innocent vestedinterests, and is therefore legal. Therefore, I shall use it whether theCommon Council approves it or not. If they resolve that it is not a goodword, I shall veto the resolution. If you don't like it I'll send youyour resignation. "

"That being the case, " said the March Hare, "I withdraw my objections. "

"Which, " observed the Hatter triumphantly, turning to Alice, "shows you, my dear young lady, the very great value of the Municipal Ownership ideaas applied to the Board of Aldermen. As the White Knight put it in oneof his poetical reports printed in Volume 347, of the CopperationCouncil's Opinions for October, 1906, page 926, "A City may not own its Gas, Its Barber Shops, or Cars It may not raise Asparagrass, Or run Official Bars; It may not own a big Hotel Or keep a Public Hen, But it will always find it well To own its Aldermen. 

"When Aldermen were owned by private interests the public interestssuffered, but in this town where the City Fathers belong to the Citythey have to do what the City tells them to, or get out. "

"It sounds good, " was all that Alice could think of to say. 

"What I was trying to tell you when the Alderman interpolated--" theHatter went on. 

"There he goes again!" growled the March Hare. 

"Was that the first thing we did when we took over the Gas Plant was tosublimify the externals of the works along lines of Architectural andOlfactoreal beauty both to the eye and to the nose, two organs of thehuman structure that private interests seldom pay much attention to. Iasked myself two questions. First, is it necessary for a gas works to beugly? Second, is it necessary for gas works to be so odourwhifferousthat the smell of the Automobile is a dream of fragrant beauty alongsideof it? To both these questions the answer was plain. Of course it ain't. Beauty can be applied to the lines of a gas-tank just as readily as tothe lines of a hippopotamus, and as for the odours, they are due to thefact that gas as it is now made does not smell pleasantly, but there isno reason why it should not be so manufactured that people would bewilling to use it on their handkerchiefs. I learned that ProfessorBurbank of California had developed a cactus plant that could be usedfor a sofa cushion--why, I asked myself, could he not develop agas-plant that will put forth flowers the perfume of which should makethat of the violet, and the rose, sink into inoculated desoupitude?"

"It hardly seems possible, does it?" said Alice. 

"To a private mind it presents insuperable difficulties, " said theHatter, "but to a public mind like my own nothing is impossible. If aman can do a seemingly impossible thing with one plant there is noreason why he shouldn't do a seemingly impossible thing with anotherplant, so I immediately wrote to Professor Burbank offering him ahundred thousand dollars in Blunderland Deferred Debenture GasImprovement Bonds a year to come here and see what he could do totransmogrify our gas-plant. "

"Oh, I am so glad, " cried Alice delightedly. "I should so love to meetMr. Burbank and thank him for inventing the coreless apple----"

"You don't means the Corliss Engine, do you?" asked the White Knight. 

"Well, I'm sorry, " said the Hatter, "but Mr. Burbank wouldn't comeunless we'd pay him real money, which, although we don't publish thefact broadcast, is not in strict accord with the highest principles ofMunicipal Ownership. We contend that when people work for the commonweal they ought to be satisfied to receive their pay in the commonwealth, and under the M. O. System the most common kind of wealth isrepresented by Bonds. Consequently we wrote again to Mr. Burbank, andexpressed our regret that a man of his genius should care more for hisown selfish interests than for the public weal, and as a sort of sarcasmon his meanness I enclosed five of our 2963 Guaranteed Extension fourper cents to pay for the two-cent stamp he had put upon his letter. "

"What are the 2963 Guaranteed Extension four per cents?" asked Alice. 

[Illustration: "STUDYING THE ECONOMIC THEORIES OF DR. WACK. "]

"They are sinking fund bonds payable in 2963, only we guarantee to extendthe date of payment to 3963 in case the sinking fund has sunk so low wedon't feel like paying them in 2963, " explained the Hatter. "It's aningenious financial idea that I got from studying the economic theoriesof Dr. Wack, Professor of Repudiation and Other Political Economies atthe Wack Business College at Squantumville, Florida. It is the onlyeconomic theory I know of that absolutely prevents debt from becoming aburden. But that aside, when Mr. Burbank showed that he preferredfooling with such futile things as pineapples and hollyhocks, to thereally uplifting work of providing the people with gas that was redolentof the spices of Araby, I resolved to do the thing myself. "

"He is a man of real inventive genius, " said the March Hare, anxious, apparently, to square himself with the Hatter again. 

"Thank you, Alderman, " said the Hatter. "It is a real pleasure to findmyself strictly in accord with your views once more. But to resume, MissAlice--as I say I resolved to tackle the problem myself. "

"Fine, " said Alice. "So you went in and studied how to make gas the oldway and then----"

"Not at all, " interrupted the Hatter. "Not at all. That would have beenfatal. I found that everybody who knew how to make gas the old way saidthe thing was impossible. Hence, I reasoned, the man who will find itpossible must be somebody who never knew anything about the old way ofmaking gas, and nobody in the whole world knew less about it than I. Manifestly then I became the chosen instrument to work the reform, so Iplunged in and you really can't imagine how easy it all turned out. Ihad no old prejudices in gas-making to overcome, no set, finicky ideasto serve as obstacles to progress, and inside of a week I had it. Ifilled the gas tanks half full of cologne, and then pumped hot airthrough them until they were chock full. I figured it out that colognewas nothing more than alcohol flavoured with axiomatic oils----"

"Aromatic, " interrupted the March Hare, forgetting himself for themoment. 

[Illustration: "THE WHITE KNIGHT INTERFERED"]

The Hatter frowned heavily upon the Alderman, and there is no tellingwhat would have happened had not the White Knight interfered to protectthe offender. 

"It's still an open question, Mr. Mayor, " he observed, "if axiomaticapplied to a scent is constitutional. If an odour should becomeaxiomatic we could never get rid of it you see, and I think the Aldermanhas distinguished authority for his correction, which----"

"O very well, " said the Hatter. "Let it go. I prefer axiomatic, but theprivate predilections of an official should not be permitted toinfluence his official actions. I intend always to operate within thelimits of the law, so if the law says aromatic, aromatic be it. Ifigured that cologne was nothing more than alcohol flavoured witharomatic oils, and that inasmuch as both alcohol and oil burn readily, there was no reason why hot air passed through them should not burnalso, and carry oil some of the aroma as well. "

"It certainly was a very pretty idea, " said Alice. 

"All the M. O. Ideas are pretty, " said the March Hare. "It is only thequestion of reducing beauty to the basis of practical utility thatconfronts us. "

"And how did it work?" asked Alice, very much interested. 

[Illustration: "IN THE MATTER OF PERFUME IT WAS FINE"]

"Beautifully, " said the Hatter. "Only it wouldn't burn--just why Ihaven't been able to find out. But in the matter of perfume it was fine. People who turned on their jets the first night soon found their housessmelling like bowers of roses, and a great many of them liked it so muchthat they turned on every jet in the house, and left them turned on allday, so that in the mere matter of consumption twice as much of myaromatic illuminating air was used in a week as the companies hadcharged for under the old system, and we used the same metres, too. Inaddition to this, as a mere life-saving device, my invention proved tohave a wonderful value. In the first place nobody could blow it out andbe found gas-fixturated the next morning----"

[Illustration: "NOBODY COULD BE GAS-FIXTURATED"]

"Good word that--so much more expressive than the old privately owneddictionary word asphyxiated, " said the March Hare. 

The Hatter nodded his appreciation of the March Hare's compliment, andadmitted him once more to his good graces. 

"And nobody could commit suicide with it the way they used to do withthe old kind of gas, because, you see, it was, after all, only hot air, which is good for the lungs whichever way it's going, in or out. We usehot air all the time in our Administration and it is wonderful whatresults you can get from it, " he went on. "But it wouldn't light. Infact when anybody tried to light it, such was the pressure, it blew outthe match, which I regard, as an additional point in its favour. If wehave gas that blows out matches the minute the match is applied to it, does not that reduce the chance of fire from the careless habit somepeople have of throwing lighted matches into the waste-basket?"

"It most certainly does, " said the White Knight gravely, and in suchtones of finality that Alice did not venture to dispute his assertion. 

"We're all agreed upon that point, " said the Hatter. "But there werecomplaints of course. Some people, mostly capitalists who were richenough to have libraries of their own, complained that they couldn'tread nights because the gas wouldn't light. I replied that if theywanted to read they could go to the Public Library, where there wereoil lamps, and electric lights. Besides reading at night is bad for theeyes. Others objected that they couldn't see to go to bed. The answer tothat was simple enough. People don't need to see to go to bed. They mayneed to see when they are dressing in the morning, but when they go tobed all they have to do is to take their clothes off and go, and I addedthat people who didn't know enough to do that had better have nurses. Finally some of the chief kickers got up a mass-meeting and protestedthat the new gas wasn't gas at all, and in view of that fact refused topay their gas tax. "

"Oho!" said Alice. "That was pretty serious I should think. "

"It seemed so at first, " said the Hatter, "but just then the beauty ofthe Municipal Ownership scheme stepped in. I called a special meeting ofthe Common Council and they settled the question once for all. "

"Good!" cried Alice "How did they do it?"

"They passed a resolution, " said the Hatter, "unanimously declaring thearomatic hot-air to be gas of the most excellent quality, and made it amisdemeanor for anybody to say that it wasn't. I signed the ordinanceand from that minute on our gas was gas by law. "

"Still, " said Alice, "those people had already said it wasn't. Did theyback down?"

"Most of 'em did, " laughed the Hatter. "And the rest were fined $500apiece and sent to jail for six months. You see we made the lawsufficiently retroactive to grab the whole bunch. Since then there havebeen no complaints. "

Whereupon the Hatter invited Alice to stroll through the gas-plant withhim, which the little girl did, and declared it later to have beensweeter than a walk through a rose-garden, which causes me to believethat the Mayor's scheme was a pretty wonderful one after all, and quiteworthy of a Hatter thrust by the vagaries of politics into the difficultbusiness of gas making. 

CHAPTER IV

THE CITY-OWNED POLICE

After Alice and her companions had enjoyed the aromatic delights of theBlunderland Gas Plant the Hatter and his Cabinet went into executivesession for a few hours to decide where they should go next. Theinterests of Blunderland were so varied that this was a somewhatdifficult matter to settle, especially as Mr. Alderman March Hare, whowas a great stickler for the rights of the honourable body to which hebelonged, wished to have the question referred to a special meeting ofthe Common Council. The White Knight as Corporation Counsel, however, advised the Hatter that there was no warrant in law compelling him toaccede to the March Hare's demand. 

"The Municipal Ownership of Rubbernecks act has not yet been passed, " heobserved. "Consequently visitors to our City can be shown about in anyway in which the party in charge chooses to choose. "

"All right if you say so, " said March Hare coldly. "Only I'd like tohave that opinion in writing. Public officials nowadays are too prune todeny----"

"Prone, I guess you mean, " laughed the Hatter gleefully. 

"I prefer prune, " said the March Hare, with dignity. "Public officialsare too prune nowadays to deny what they say in private conversation toencourage me to take any chances. "

[Illustration: "WROTE ON THE SIDE OF A CONVENIENT GAS TANK"]

"Certainly, " returned the White Knight. "I'll write it out for you withpleasure. " Whereupon, taking a piece of chalk from his pocket, he wrotewith it on the side of a convenient gas tank the following opinion:

 IN RE WHAT TO DO NEXT

 Opinion 7, 543, 467, 223. Liber 29. Gas Tank No. 6

 You can go to the People's Shoe Shop, Or down to the new Town Pump. You can visit the Civic Glue Shop, Or call on the Public Chump. 

 You can visit the Social Rooster, Or sample Municipal Cheese-- In short you can do what you choose ter, And go where you dee dash please. 

 (Signed) JOHN DOE WHITE KNIGHT, Copperation Counsel. 

Meanwhile Alice had been turned over to the Chief of Police to be caredfor, and was charmed to discover that that individual was none otherthan her old friend the Dormouse whom she had met in her trip throughWonderland at the Hatter's tea-party. 

"How did you ever come to be Chief of Police?" she cried delightedly, asshe recognised him. 

[Illustration: "I'M THE SOUNDEST SLEEPER IN TOWN"]

"I'm the soundest sleeper in town, " he replied with a yawn, "so they mademe head of the force. You see, young lady, the great trouble with theaverage policeman is that he's too wide-awake, and that leads to graft. When the Hatter's Municipal Police Commission looked into the questionthey found that the Cop who spent most of his time asleep spent less ofhis time clubbing people who wouldn't whack up with him on the profitsof their business. Every ossifer who has been convicted of petty larcenyin the past, the records show, has been a fellow who stayed awake mostof the time, and no ossifer has ever yet been known to go in for graftor get a record for clubbing innocent highwaymen over the head while hewas asleep either on a Park Bench, or in an alleyway. Consequently, saysthey, Mr. Dormouse who wakes up only on every fifth Thursday in Februarywill make the best Police ossifer in the bunch, and being the best hadought to be chose chief. Hence accordingly, it became thus. Moreover Iam a champion Tea Drinker. "

"What's that got to do with it?" demanded Alice. 

"Everything, " said the Dormouse, rubbing his eyes sleepily. "Everyblessed thing. Tea Drinking is one of our hardest duties under the newsystem providing for the Municipal Ownership of Everything in SightIncluding the Cop on the Corner. You see when the City grabbed up theBakeries, and the Trolleys, and the Grand Opera House, and the CondensedMilk Factory, and the Saw Mills, and the Breakfast Food Jungles, allenvy, hatred and malice disappeared. Everybody loved his neighbourbetter than he did himself or his wife's family, and consequently hencethere was therefore no crime, which left the Policeman out of a job. Theonly Burglars left in town were the regularly appointed officialsafecrackers representing the Municipal Ownership of Petty and GrandLarceny. The only gambling houses left were under the direct supervisionof the Mayor acting ex-officio and the Chairman of the AldermanicCommittee on Faro and Roulette. The Game of Bunco became a dulyauthorised official diversion under control of the Tax Assessors, andthe Town Toper, being elected by popular vote, could get as leery as hepleased by public consent. Life Insurance Agents became likewise PublicServants under the General Ordinance of 1905 starting the Civic TontineParlours where people were compelled to buy Life Insurance from the Cityitself at so much a yard. "

"A yard?" cried Alice. 

"Yep, " yawned the Dormouse. "Policies were issued anywhere from threeinches to a yard long, each inch representing a year. If you bought amile of Life Insurance you were insured for as many years as there areinches in a mile. I never could stay awake long enough to figure out howmuch that is, but it's several years. "

"But what did the Agents have to do?" asked Alice. "If people had totake it----"

"They went out and grabbed delinquents, " said the Dormouse. 

"I shouldn't think people would need life insurance for the benefit oftheir families if everybody has everything he wants in Blunderland, " putin Alice. 

[Illustration: "TEA IS SERVED ON EVERY CORNER"]

"They don't, " said the Dormouse, rapping his head with his club to keepfrom dropping off to sleep. "It ain't for the benefit of theirfamilies--it's for the benefit of the City. A City like this can usebenefits to great advantages most all the time. But you see the resultsof Municipalising all sorts of crime from straight burglary up to lifeinsurance resulted in the Police having nothing to do. There wasn'tanybody to arrest, or to quell, or to club, and so they turned us into asocial organisation and that's where Tea Drinking comes in strong. Everyafternoon at five o clock, tea is served on every corner in Blunderlandby the Policeman on beat. They have become quite a public function, butthey're a trifle hard on the police who don't care for tea, because wehave to be very polite and take it with everybody who comes up, and benice and chatty into the bargain. In addition to this we are required togo to dances and take care of the wall-flowers and make ourselvesgenerally agreeable. It is one of the laws of Blunderland that all girlsare born free and equal in the pursuit of life, liberty and germanfavours, and when any of the Terpsichorean Force finds a girl with redhair and snub nose with freckles on it decorating the wall and beingneglected at a cotillion, it is his duty to plunge in and either dancewith her himself, or put some Willieboy under arrest until he calls herout and gives her the time of her life. You can't imagine what wonderfulresults this Municipal Control of that social situation has done in theline of popularising plain girls. "

"It sounds very interesting, " Alice ventured. "I should think the girlswould like it. "

"They do, " said the Dormouse. "The only objection to it comes from theWillieboys, but nobody cares much what they think because there aren'tmany of them that _can_ think. "

"And is that all you do?" asked Alice. 

"Oh, no indeed, " said the Dormouse. "We keep reserves for Bridge Partiesat the Station all the time, so that if any taxpayer ever needs a fourthhand to make up a game all he has to do is to ring up headquarters andget an ossifer to come up and play. In addition to this we look afterold ladies who want to go shopping and aren't strong enough to breakthrough the rush line at the bargain counters. And then once in a whilesomebody's baby will wake up at three o'clock in the morning and demandthe moon, and we go up and attend to it. "

"What?" cried Alice in amazement. "You don't mean to say you give it themoon?"

"Not exactly, " said the Dormouse. "We just promise to give it. That'sone of the strong points about Municipal Ownership. It's the easiestsystem to make promises under you ever knew. You can promise anything, and later on if you don't make good you can promise something better, and so on. It works very well in a great many places. "

[Illustration: "WE RESPOND IMMEDIATELY TO THE CALL"]

"But that isn't really what we go up to the house for. We go up torelieve the poor tired parents who have been working hard all day andare too weary to walk up and down the floor with the baby. We respondimmediately to the call, grab up the baby and walk the floor with himuntil he is quiet again. Once last winter a chap with three pairs oftwins six months, a year and a half, and three years old respectively, had to send for the patrol wagon. All six of 'em waked up and began tosquall at once and we sent seven ossifers and a sergeant up to lookafter them. They had to parade around that house from 2 A. M. Untilseven-thirty before those babies quit yelling. "

Just at this moment the Dormouse was interrupted in his story by araggedly dressed old man on a pair of crutches who begged an alms ofhim. 

"Only a dollar, sir, " he asked piteously. "Only a dollar to relieve aterrible case of distress. "

"Certainly, Simpkins, " said the Dormouse kindly. "I--well I'll bejiggered--" he added, feeling through his pockets. "I must have left mymoney at home. Maybe this young lady can help you out. Miss Alice, permit me to introduce you to Simpkins. He's the most successful beggarin nineteen counties. "

"Glad to meet you, " said Alice, shaking hands with Simpkins. 

"You couldn't spare a dollar, could you, Miss?" whined the Beggar. "Itwill relieve a terrible case of distress Ma'am. 

"Why--yes, " said Alice, suddenly remembering that she had a silverdollar in her pocket. "Here it is. "

And she handed it to Simpkins who thanked her profusely. 

"How's business?" asked the Dormouse. 

"Fine, " said Simpkins, executing a jig. "I've collected $800 since eleveno'clock this morning. "

[Illustration: "MADE OFF WITH THE AGILITY OF AN ANTELOPE"]

Whereupon, forgetting his crutches, he made off up the street with theagility of an antelope. Alice gazed after him in wonder. 

"I--I didn't suppose you had any beggars in Blunderland, " said she. 

"He's the only one, " replied the Dormouse. "He's the official Beggar ofthe Town. He gets $25, 000 in Tenth Deferred Reorganisation Certificatesa year--which, if the Certificates pay ten cents on the dollar, as wehope, will turn out to be a good salary in the end. "

"But why does he beg? Who gets the money?" asked Alice. 

"The City, " said the Dormouse. "Once in a while when the Printing Plantgets clogged up with large orders of Bonds for our various enterprises, the City has to get hold of a few dollars of real money, so they sendSimpkins out for it. I believe he's out to-day trying to raise theinterest on the Sixteenth Mortgage Extension Bonds on the MunicipalCigarette Plant purchased year before last. It's ten months overdue andthe former owners have asked the Government to smoke up. "

"Oh!" said Alice. "Is the Printing Plant clogged up?"

"Unmercifully, " said the Dormouse. "Not to say teetotally. They'repreparing their Christmas issues in Magazine form, and that means aterrible lot of extra work. I don't believe the way things look now thatthe City will be able to print the money for last January's payrolluntil somewhere around the next Fourth of July, and if that's the casepoor old Simpkins will either have to work overtime or get a half-dozenDeputy Assistant Beggars to put the town in funds. I'm expecting to havethe Police put on that job at any minute. "

Alice was silent for a moment, and the Dormouse went on. 

"What do you think of the Municipal Ownership of the Police idea?" heasked. 

"It's fine, " said Alice. "But I thought all Cities owned their policeforce. "

"A great many people think that, " laughed the Dormouse. "But it isn'tso. "

"It is in New York and Chicago--I heard my Papa say so once, " saidAlice. 

Again the Dormouse laughed. 

"Well, " he said. "I don't want to cast any asparagus on your father'sintelligence, but he's wrong. The Police may own New York and Chicago, but New York and Chicago don't own the police--not by a long shot. "

"Who does, then?" demanded Alice. 

"The Lord only knows, " laughed the Dormouse. "Some people say John Doe, and other people say the Man Higher Up, but which it is, or who eitherof 'em may be, I haven't the slightest idea. Maybe they belong to theCopper Trust. "

And then with a sly wink at the little maid the Dormouse turned over andwent to sleep. 

CHAPTER V

THE MUNICIPAPHONE

Armed with the Copperation Counsel's opinion authorising him to dowhatever he pleased next, the Hatter decided that he would give Alice ademonstration of the workings of the Municipaphone. 

[Illustration: "YOU CAN TALK ALL YOU PLEASE"]

"Which, " said he proudly, "I consider to be the most Democraticisingthing I have ever invented. You can talk all you please about UniversalBrotherhood, Unlimited Sisterhood, and the Infinity of Unclehood, butall of these movements put together haven't done as much to promote theequality of everybody as that Municipaphone idea of mine. "

Alice thought the Cheshire Cat's grin expanded slightly as the Hatterspoke, but she was not sure, although he most assuredly did wink at her. 

"I should admire to see it, " she said. "What is it, just?"

"It is the result of the Municipal Ownership of the Telephone, " returnedthe Hatter proudly. "We have taken over everything that works byelectricity--electric lighting, the telegraph, the telephone----"

"Even the thunder and lightning, " interrupted the White Knight. "Andunder our management everything runs so smoothly that even thelightning doesn't strike any more. That's a great thing in MunicipalOwnership. There aren't any more strikes under it. "

"What he says is true, my child, " said the Hatter, "and in time weexpect to get the thunder itself under control so that it will servesome useful purpose--I don't know yet exactly what, but I am havingexperiments made in storage batteries which will catch and hold thethunder with the idea of saving the noise it makes for fire-crackers, orPresidential salutes, or other things and occasions where the fracturingof silence seems desirable. Surely if we can take electricity and undersuitable Municipal supervision make it serve as a substitute for atallow dip, why shouldn't we extract the reverberance with which it isfraught to add to the general clangour of joyous occasions?"

"No reason at all, " said Alice. "I wonder no one has ever thought ofthat before. Just think of all the magnificent noises that go to wastein a thunderstorm. "

"You will discover in time, my dear child, that only under the MunicipalOwnership of Brains such as we have here, can such great ideas be seizedfrom the infinity of nothingness and turned into an irresistiblepropaganda, " said the Hatter loftily. 

"He's the biggest gander of the bunch, " whispered the March Hare. 

"But it isn't what we are going to do, but what we have done that wepropose to show you, " continued the Hatter, eyeing the March Harecoldly. "And as I have said, the Municipaphone is my crowningachievement. Just come here and I will show you. "

The Hatter led Alice to a nearby lamp-post, and pointing to a little boxfastened to the middle of the pillar explained to her that that was theMunicipaphone. 

"We have them in every room in every house in the City, on all thelamp-posts, hydrants, telegraph poles, in fact everywhere where there isa chance or room enough to hang one, " the Hatter explained. 

"It's just like a telephone, isn't it?" said Alice. "Only it looks likea hat instead of a funnel. "

"Exactly, " said the Hatter, "but we don't call it a telephone any more. The word telephone struck me as being a misnomer. You don't tell the'phone anything when you talk into it. You tell the person at the otherend of the line, and so, I changed its name to the Municipaphone, whichshows that it's a 'phone that belongs to the City. Just to sort ofmoralise the thing I had the mouth-piece changed to look like a hatinstead of a funnel, because funnels are apt to suggest alcoholicbeverages and sometimes people who aren't at all thirsty are made so bythe mere power of suggestion. The hat, however, has always commendeditself to our greatest statesmen as a vehicle best suited for thetransmission of ideas, and I therefore adopted it. 

"It is very pretty, " commented Alice. "Only I think a few ribbons wouldimprove it a little. "

"Possibly, " said the Hatter. "We haven't had time yet to look after themillinery aspect of the situation, but we'll take that up at our nextCabinet meeting. I thank you for the suggestion. But you see how thething works. This little book here has a list of the names of everybodyin town with their Municipaphone numbers attached. The lowly as well asthe highly, from the newsboy up to the Bridge Whist set, are allrepresented here, so that all are connected in one way or another witheach other. There is no man, woman, or child so poor and humble ofbirth, that he or she cannot get into immediate relations with thehaughty and proud. Everybody is on speaking terms with everybody else, and we have thereby reached socially a condition wherein all men thoughnot related are nevertheless connected. You frequently hear a wash-ladyremark that while she has not met Mrs. Van Varick Van Astorbilt or Mrs. Willieboy de Crudoil personally, they are nevertheless connections ofhers if not by blood or marriage at least by wire, which is strongerthan either. Some day instead of having Societies of the Cincinnati, andSons and Daughters of the Revolution I hope to see associations ofBrothers and Sisters of the Municipaphone which shall become a factor ofoverwhelming solidarity in all social and political affairs. 

"It's a splendid scheme, " said Alice. 

"It is a tie of material strength which binds together our first andlast families, increasing the pride of the latter, and diminishing thatof the former until we have at last reached an average ofself-satisfaction which knows no barriers of class distinction, " saidthe Hatter. "But it wouldn't have worked if we hadn't formulated strictrules by which every household in town is governed. One of our rules isthat the person called upon must answer immediately and truthfully anyquestion which the person at the other end asks, and of course inperfectly polite language. For instance, suppose you try it yourself. Just ring up Number 83115, Bloomingdale, and ask for Mrs. S. VanLivingston Smythe. She's the biggest swell in town. Ask her anythingthat comes into your head, and you'll see how it works. Tell her you areMrs. O'Flaherty, the Head Wash-Lady of the Municipal Laundry. "

Alice took her place at the Municipaphone and called 83115 Bloomingdale, as instructed. 

"Hello!" she said. 

"Hush! Don't say that--say Ah there!" interrupted the Hatter. "Hellocomes under the head of profanity, which is against the law. "

"Excuse me, " said Alice. "Ah there!" she added. "Give me 83115Bloomingdale, please, Central. "

"Name, please, " said Central. 

"Bridget O'Flaherty, " replied Alice. 

"Address?" asked Central. 

"Tub 37, Municipal Laundry, " said Alice. 

"Occupation?" continued the other. 

"Wringer, " laughed Alice. 

"All right, there you are, " said Central, making the desired connection. 

"Is this Mrs. S. Van Livingston Smythe?" asked Alice. 

"Yes, " said a sweet voice from the other end of the line. "What is it?"

"I am Bridget O'Flaherty, " said Alice, "of the Municipal Laundry, and Iwanted to ask was your grandfather ever a monkey?"

It was not a very polite question, but under the excitement of themoment Alice could think of nothing better to ask. 

"I don't believe so, Mrs. O'Flaherty, " came the sweet voice in answer. "I have looked over every branch of our family tree and there isn't acocoanut on it. Why, are you looking for a missing grandfather of yourown?"

"No, " smiled Alice, "but I've read all the books in the public libraryand I thought he might have a tail to tell that I would find amusing. "

"Well, I'm very sorry, " said the sweet voice. "Grandfather died fortyyears ago, so I don't believe he can help you. I would advise you to goup to the Monkeyhouse and ask one of your own brothers. Good-bye. "

"Good-bye, " said Alice. 

"Well?" asked the Hatter with a grin. "What do you think of it?"

"Why--it's perfectly wonderful, " said Alice. "If that were to happen inNew York or even in Brooklyn or Binghamton Mrs. S. Van Livingston Smythewould have been very indignant, not only over the question, but for themere fact that the--er--wash-lady dared ring her up at all. "

"Exactly, " said the Hatter, with a bland smile of satisfaction. "ThisMunicipaphone controlled by strict rules which people must obey is agreat social leveller. "

"But why did Central want my name and address?" asked Alice. 

"Because Central has to keep a record of all that everybody says for theInspector of Personal Communications, " explained the Hatter. "Every wordyou and Mrs. Smythe spoke was recorded at the Central Office, and ifeither of you had used any expression stronger than Fudge, or O Tutt youwould have been fined five dollars for each expression and repetitionthereof. We expect to establish Civic Control of Public and PrivateSpeech within the next year, and we have begun it with supervision ofthe Municipaphone. "

"But, " cried Alice, "If I had said something that required a fine, wouldn't Mrs. O'Flaherty, who is innocent, have had to pay?"

[Illustration: "FINED FIVE DOLLARS"]

"Yes, " said the Hatter. "But in all cases where the public welfare isconcerned, private interests must yield however great the hardship. Thatis one of the fundamental principles of Municipal Ownership. Mrs. O'Flaherty would have to suffer in order that the great principleinvolved in Polite Speech for all Classes might prevail. The strictenforcement of our anti-Gosh legislation has resulted almost in thecomplete elimination of profane speech in Blunderland--so much so infact that in the new Dictionary we are compiling such words as Golramit, Dodgastit, and Goshallhemlocks are being left out altogether. "

[Illustration: "THE DICTIONARY WE ARE COMPILING"]

"It is a great moral agency, " said the White Knight. "It increases theself-respect of the submerged, curbs the pride of the rich, and holds incomplete subjection those evil communications which corrupt goodmanners. "

"And nothing but the result of Municipal Ownership, " put in the MarchHare enthusiastically, forgetting his grouch for a moment. 

"It has other advantages, too, " said the Hatter, "to which I feel Ishould call your attention. These phones being in every room in townwith which anybody may be connected at any moment and thus overhear whatother people are saying, gossip is gradually dying out, and peopleeverywhere are more careful of what they say even in private, fornowadays the walls literally have ears. To give you an example, I willconnect you at once with the home of the Duchess whom you met, if youremember, in your journey through Wonderland and you may judge foryourself of how useful this Municipaphone is to us in ascertaining thegeneral trend of public opinion. "

[Illustration: "ALICE TRANSFIXED AT THE PHONE"]

The Hatter gave the order to Central and in a minute Alice stoodtransfixed at the phone listening intently. She recognised the voice ofthe Duchess immediately. 

[Illustration: "THE BIGGEST JACKASS FROM DAN TO BEERSHEBA"]

"As for that old fool of a Hatter, " she was saying, "he is the biggestjackass from Dan to Beersheba. "

"Well?" said the Hatter. "Can you hear her?"

"Yes, " giggled Alice. "Very plainly. "

"What does she say?" asked the Hatter, simpering. 

"Why, " said Alice reddening, "she--she's talking about you. "

"The dear Duchess, " ejaculated the Hatter, with a foolish smirk. "I'mvery much afraid--ahem--that the Duchess has her eye on me. "

"She has, " said Alice. "She is referring to you in the warmesttones--she thinks you're big--great--the very greatest from Dan toBeersheba. "

"Ah me!" sighed the Hatter. "If I were only a younger man!"

"They'll make a match of it yet, " said the White Knight in a softwhisper to Alice. 

"Yes, " sneered the March Hare, who had overheard, jealously, "and a fineold sulphur-headed lucifer of a match it will be too. 

"Well, it's all very nice, " said Alice, very anxious to change thesubject. "But I can't say that I'm sure I'd like it. Why, you can't haveany secrets from anybody. "

"And why should you wish to, my dear child?" asked the Hatter, comingout of his dream of romance. "Why not so order your life that you haveno need for secrecy?"

"Yes, " said Alice. "I suppose that is better, but then, Mr. Hatter, isn't there to be any more private life?"

"Not under Municipal Ownership, " said the Hatter. "Carried to itslogical conclusion that with all other so-called private rights will bemerged in the glorious culmination of a complete well rounded MunicipalLife. It is toward that Grand Civic Eventuation that I and my associatesin this noble movement are constantly striving. "

"Are you going to have Municipal Control of Marriage?" asked Alice, slyly. 

The Hatter blushed and smiled foolishly. "I--ah--am thinking aboutthat, " he said with a funny little laugh. "It would be a most excellentthing to do, for in my opinion a great many people nowadays get marriedtoo thoughtlessly. Just because they happen to love each other they gooff and get married, but under Municipal Control it would be much moredifficult for a man or a woman to take so serious a step. For instance, if I had my way the Common Council would have to be asked for permissionfor a man to marry. The question would come up in the form of a bill, which would immediately be referred to the Committee on Matrimony, whowould discuss it very thoroughly before bringing it before the Council. If a majority of the Committee considered that the application should begranted, then the matter should be placed before the whole Council, bywhich it should be debated in open public sessions, the applicant havingbeen invited to appear and under cross-examination by the DistrictAttorney demonstrate his fitness to be married. All others knowing anyreason why he should not be married should also have the opportunity toappear and state their reasons for opposing the granting of theapplication. I am inclined to believe that this would put a stop tothese hasty marriages which have given rise to that beautiful proverb, Married in Camden, Repent at South Dakota. "

"I should think it would, " said Alice. "And when do you propose to startthis plan along?"

"Well, you see, " said the Hatter with a giggle, "before I take finalsteps in the matter I wish to have a few words with--er--well--you knowwho--I----"

"The Duchess, " Alice ventured. 

"Ah, you precocious child!" cried the Hatter, tapping Alice on theshoulder coyly. "You must not believe all you overhear the Duchess sayabout me. She is so prejudiced, and blind to my faults. I--I'm almostsorry I connected you with her over the Municipaphone. "

CHAPTER VI

THE DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC VERSE

"I think, " said the Hatter, "that before we go any further we wouldbetter show Miss Alice our Municipal Poetry Factory. The whistle willblow very shortly and our Divine Afflatus Dynamo will shut down, so ifshe is to see that feature of our work now is the time to do it. 

"Yes, " said the March Hare, "although the office is in some confusionowing to your recent Municipal Order Number 20, 367 making _Alabazam_rhyme with _Mulligatawney_, and extending the number of lines in themunicipal quatrains from four to twenty-three. The employees are findingconsiderable difficulty in making twenty-three-line quatrains and atleast half the force have gone home suffering from acute attacks ofbrainstormitis. "

"It'll do em good, " laughed the Hatter. "A good brain storm may resultin a few of them being struck. Come along, Miss Alice, and we'll showyou our City Poets at work. "

"I don't think I understand, " said Alice. "What is a city poet?"

[Illustration: "LARGER MEASURE THAN WAS THE CUSTOM"]

"He bears the same relation to Municipal Poetry that a White Wing bearsto the Street Cleaning Department, " explained the Hatter. "Two years agothe City took over all the Verse-making enterprises of Blunderland, appointed a Municipalaureat, otherwise a Commissioner of Public Verse, and started him along with a Department. He employs 16, 743 poets whoprovide all the poetry that is consumed by our people. It has resultedin great good for everybody. Poetry is cheaper by eight cents a linethan it used to be, and, as you may have guessed from what the MarchHare has just said, we give larger measure than was the custom underthe private ownership of _Pegasus_. Quatrains have been increased fromfour lines to twenty-three, and the old stingy fourteen-line sonnet hasbeen enlarged to fifty-four lines. We have also passed an ordinancerequiring that poems shall say what they mean, which is a vastimprovement on the old private control method whereunder anybody wasallowed to write rhymes which nobody could understand--like that thingof Miss Arethusa Spink's, for instance, called Aspiration. Rememberthat?"

"I don't think I ever heard it, " said Alice. 

"Well it went this way, " said the Hatter, and striking a gracefulattitude he recited the following lines called:

ASPIRATION

_By Arethusa Spink_

 Down by the purple opalescent sea, Flung like a ribbon limp athwart the sky, A rose lay blooming on the restless lea, While sundry birds came chattering sweetly by. 'Twas then my soul that all too long had slept, Awoke from out its iridescent nap, crept Down where the pink-cheeked crocus blossoms From out fair Nature's over-bounteous lap, And cried aloud "Alas! What hath betode? What dream is this that like the ambient brook Forbids the mind to face the solemn goad And know itself forsook!"

The Hatter paused. 

"Well?" said Alice, slightly puzzled. 

"That's all there was to it, " said the Hatter. "It was printed in one ofour Magazines and within forty-eight hours the ambulance from the InsaneAsylum was called out 737 times by people who had gone crazy trying tofind out what it meant. It capped the climax. I called a special meetingof the Common Council to take the matter up purely as a matter of publichealth, and before I went to bed that night they had passed and I hadsigned an Act giving the control of the Verse Industry to the City andtaking it out of the hands of irresponsible, unlicensed independentpoets. 

"And a good job it was too, " said the March Hare. 

"And you chose one of the best poets in town for the Commissioner, Isuppose?" suggested Alice. 

"No we didn't, " said the Hatter. "I didn't want any Moonshine in a CityDepartment and no poet is a good business man. I picked out a verysuccessful Haberdasher in the Sixth Ward for the delicate business oforganising the Department, and he has done most excellent work. We foundthat just as a first class confectioner made a splendid manager of ourgas plant, and a successful Hoki-Poki merchant had the required push tokeep our trolley systems going, so the Haberdasher had the precise kindof genius to manage the poets. He won't stand any nonsense from them, and any poem that he can't understand is immediately thrown into theCivic Waste-Basket, taken to the Municipal Ferry and used for fuel torun the boats. I guess we burn nineteen tons of refuse verse a day, don't we, Alderman?"

"About that--on the average, " said the March Hare. "Sometimes it gets ashigh as twenty tons and occasionally it falls off to sixteen--but usingthese rejected manuscripts in place of coal has reduced the loss on theFerry about thirty-eight dollars a year in real money. "

"How much is that in bonds?" asked Alice slyly. 

"O--let's see, " said the Hatter, his face getting very red, "well--Ishould say on a basis of 43-1/3% to one, thirty-eight dollars would, come to about $97, 347. 83 in third debenture ten per cent. Certificates, exclusive of the cost of printing, advertising, and the number we giveaway as sample copies. "

"Quite a saving, " said Alice. 

"Yes, " said the Hatter. "We save all we can. Economy in real money isour watchword. We never spend a cent where a bond will serve thepurpose. "

[Illustration: "GREETED BY THE COMMISSIONER, THE HABERDASHER"]

By this time Alice and her hosts had reached the building occupied bythe Department of Public Verse, and upon entering its spacious doorwaythe party were greeted by the Commissioner, the Haberdasher, to whomAlice was promptly introduced. He reminded her very forcibly of her oldacquaintance Bill the Lizard, but she was not sure enough on this pointto recall their previous meeting when she had so tactlessly kicked himup through the chimney flue of the Wonderland Cottage. 

"Well, Mr. Commissioner, " said the Hatter, "how are you getting along?"

"Pretty well, Mr. Mayor, " replied the Commissioner. "We've just finishedthe six line couplet for the new Chewing Gum Bonds. "

"Good, " said the Hatter. "How does it go?"

"Rather neatly I think, " said the Commissioner, and he read thefollowing:

 We promise to pay This bond some day If of the stuff We've got enough. And if we haven't, pray don't despond, For we'll pay it off with another bond. 

"Fine, " said the Hatter. "You strike a very lofty note in that. And howdo the new Limericks work?"

"We've finished number 3907 of series XZV, " said the Commissioner. "I'llsend for Wiggins who wrote it and let him read it to you himself. "

A pressure of an electric button brought the smiling Wiggins into theoffice. 

"Wiggins, the Mayor would like to hear that new Limerick of yours, "said the Commissioner. 

[Illustration: "IT RUNS THIS WAY, YOUR HONOUR"]

"Thanky sir, " said Wiggins. "It runs this way, your honour. 

 "There was an old lady named Jane Who sat on a fence at Schoharie. A rooster came by And crew like the deuce But Jane never scared for a cent. "

"That's great, " said the Hatter. "Don't you think so, Miss Alice?"

"Why yes, " said Alice, "but--does it rhyme?"

"Perfectly, " replied the Hatter, "that is, under our system. When weorganised this Department to facilitate business and avoid the waste oftime looking for rhymes we legalised such rhymes as Schoharie and centand by and deuce. By that act we found that where one man could onlyturn out 800 Limericks a day under the old system, any ablebodied-poetcan write 3, 000 in the same number of hours. That's very good, Wiggins, " he added turning to the workman. "I shall recommend theCommissioner to promote you to an Inspectorship in the Sonnet works. "

"Thanky sir, " said the Poet, as he blushingly bowed himself out. 

[Illustration: "OUR THINKING DEPARTMENT"]

"Here, " said the Commissioner, opening a door leading into a long, darkened chamber, "here, young lady, is our Thinking Department. "

Alice passed into the darkness and dimly made out a half a hundredlong-haired individuals sitting in comfortable Morris chairs, theirforefingers pressed hard against their brows and their eyes gazingfixedly out into space. 

"These men and women think the thoughts which our municipal poetry isdesigned to express, " the Commissioner continued. "A thought onceseized by any one of them is written down upon a pad, and then takeninto this next room where it is classified and assigned to the linecutters who turn out the first draft in the rough. Then when this isdone it is sent to the rhyming room where the lines are made to end inrhymes, and finally it goes to the Polishing room where the poem is madeready for publication. "

"It's a wonderful system, " said the Hatter. "It not only improves thequality of our poetry, but in campaign times it is a great help, sincewe control absolutely all the campaign poetry. When I run for mayor nextfall to succeed myself there won't be a single poem written on the otherside. "

"That ought to be a great help, " said Alice. 

"Yes, " said the Hatter. "It will be. Every employee in this Departmentwill not only vote for me but will work for me as well. Same way in thegas plant and the trolley--in fact in all the City Departments. It isonly another evidence of the very great value of Municipal Ownership. Itis uncertainty in political times that upsets business, but with theMunicipality in control of all these Departments from Gas to Poetrythere is no uncertainty about who will win, so that business is notunsettled by it. "

"Wonderful, " said Alice. 

"By the way, Mr. Commissioner, you'd better start the Rhyming Bureau onthe search for rhymes to Hatter at once, " said, the Mayor. "We don'twant to be caught unprepared at the last minute. "

"The list is being compiled now, " replied the Commissioner. "We alreadyhave, Matter, Batter, Tatter, Smatter Patter, Ratter, Spatter andScatter. "

"Fine!" chortled the Hatter. 

"Don't forget Chatter, " put in Alice. 

"Thank you--I'll make a note of it, " said the Commissioner. 

"And Snatter, " growled the March Hare gloomily, who evidently felt thatsomebody ought to be looking for rhymes to March Hare as well. 

"What does snatter mean?" demanded the Hatter frowning. 

"It's a corrupt form for snatcher, " retorted the March Hare. "One whosnatches everything he can lay his hands on, without regard to whetherit's his by divine right or not. I guess they can use it in poemscalling attention to your Civic Virtues. "

"Except by unanimous vote of the Common Council over my veto Snatterstays out of the Municipal Vocabulary, " returned the Hatter coldly. "Your own confession that it is corrupt is enough to condemn it withme. "

"I wouldn't use batter either, Mr. Mayor, " said the Commissioner. "Batter is dough and we haven't got any worth mentioning. "

"It is also to whack, slam, bang, bust, smack, " retorted the Hatter, "so your recommendation is not accepted. Seems to me I can almost hearthe campaign clubs singing as they march:

 "O the noble, noble Hatter, Ain't he grand! How his enemies do scatter Thro the land! How his foemen he doth batter With their idle gloomy chatter On this Muni--cipal Matter Beats the band!"

"O Gee!" ejaculated the March Hare. "Do you call that poetry?"

"Sir, I call it truth, " returned the Hatter, "and poetry is truth justas art is truth, and if you don't believe it all you've got to do is totry and run against me next fall on that issue. I'll beat you to astand-still. "

"Of course you will, " sighed the March Hare. "But you wouldn't but forthat last ordinance you jammed through while I was off on my vacation. "

"What was that?" demanded the Hatter. 

"Giving the Election Commission absolute control over the votes, andthen appointing yourself Election Commissioner ex-officio, " said theMarch Hare. "I don't believe that Municipal Control of the ballot isconstitutional. "

"Well, it will be constitutional, " said the Hatter drily. 

"When?" demanded the March Hare. 

"When we secure Municipal Control of the Constitution, " said the Hatter. "I'll make it Constitutional if I have to rewrite the whole blessedConstitution myself. "

Whereupon the Hatter walked majestically forth into the street oncemore, and Alice and the March Hare together with the White Knightfollowed meekly in his train. 

CHAPTER VII

OWNERSHIP OF CHILDREN

"What time is it?" asked the Hatter, suddenly turning to the WhiteKnight. 

"Six o'clock, " replied the White Knight, looking at his watch. 

"Mercy!" cried Alice. "I had no idea it was so late! I shall have to runalong home--it's supper time. "

The Hatter laughed. 

"O, as for that, " he said, "there's no hurry. Under our present systemof Municipal Ownership of Everything, I can issue, as Mayor, a generalorder postponing the Municipal Supper Hour to seven or eight o clock. Still--if you'd prefer to go home----"

"I don't want to, " said Alice courteously, "but I think I'd better. Mymother would be worried not finding me in the nursery. You see, I lefthome without telling anybody where I was going. "

Again the Hatter laughed. 

"What foolishness!" he ejaculated. "That's the great trouble with theprivate ownership of children. It worries their poor mothers, keeps 'emfrom their daily Bridge parties, interferes with that freedom of actionwhich is guaranteed to the individual by the contravention of the UnitedStates----"

"Constitution, I guess you mean, " suggested Alice. 

"It used to be the Constitution, " returned the Hatter, "but now it's theContravention. It has been contravened so often in the past few yearsthat our Reformed Language Commission at Washington has named itaccordingly. "

"It simply bears out what you said in your message approving the PublicOwnership of Children Act passed by the Common Council last November, which I wrote for you, and consequently consider a very able document, "said the White Knight. 

"The Public Ownership of Children?" cried Alice, with a look of alarm onher face. 

"Yes, " said the Hatter. "Just as the Nation has gone in for paternalism, we here in Blunderland have gone in for maternalism. The children herebelong to the city----"

"But--" Alice began. 

"Now, don't bother, " said the Hatter kindly. "It works very well. It hasreduced children to a state of scientific control which is as carefuland as effective as that of the street cleaning department or the publicparks, and it has emancipated the mothers as well as materiallydecreased the financial obligations of the fathers. "

Alice's lip quivered slightly, and she began to feel a little bit afraidof the Hatter. 

"I want to go home, " she whimpered. 

"Certainly--as you wish, " said the Hatter. "We'll take you there atonce. Come along. "

Reassured by the Hatter's kindly manner Alice took her companion'soutstretched hand and they walked along the highway together until theycame to a handsome apartment house fronting upon a beautiful park, wherethe Hatter pressed an electric button at one side of the massiveentrance. The response to the bell was immediate, and Alice was pleasedto find that the person to answer was none other than the Duchessherself. 

"Why, how-di-doo, " said the Duchess affably. "Glad to see you again, Miss Alice. "

"Thank you, " said Alice. "It is very nice to be here. Do you live inthis beautiful building?"

"Yes, " said the Duchess. "You see, I've just been appointedCommissioner of Maternity. I'm what you might call the official motherof the town. Since that great Statesman, the Hatter"--here the Duchesswinked graciously at the March Hare--"devised his crowning achievementin the Municipal Control of the Children and appointed me to be the Headof the Department, I have been stationed here. "

"And a mighty good old mother she is!" ejaculated the Hatter withfervour. 

"Palaverer!" said the Duchess coyly. 

"Not at all, " said the Hatter. "I speak not as a man, but as a Mayor, and what I say is to be construed as an official tribute to a faithfuland deserving public servant. "

"Servant, sir?" repeated the Duchess haughtily. 

"In the American sense, " said the Hatter with a low bow. "In the sensethat the servant is as good as, if not better than the employer, Madam. "

"That man's a perfect Dipsomaniac, " said the March Hare. 

"Diplomat, man--diplomat, " corrected the White Knight. "A dipsomaniac isa very different thing from a Diplomat. Consuls may be dipsomaniacs, buta Diplomat is a man worthy of Ambassadorial honours. 

"Oh--I see, " said the March Hare. "Well--he's a Diplomat all right, allright. "

"How are things going to-day, Duchess?" asked the Hatter. "Childrenhappy?"

"They will be in time, " said the Duchess. "So many of them have beenbrought up so far on the _Ladies' Home Journal_ system that it is hardto introduce the new Blunderland method without friction. "

"I was afraid of that, " said the Hatter. "How does the compulsorysoda-water regulation work?"

"Splendidly, " said the Duchess. "Since I started in in January to makethe children drink five glasses of Vanilla Cream soda every day as amatter of routine and duty, sixty per cent. Of them have come to hateit. I think that by the end of the year we shall have stamped out thelove of soda almost entirely. The same way with caramels and othercandies in place of beef. We have caramels for breakfast, gum-drops fordinner and marshmallows for tea, regularly, and last night seventeen ofthe children presented a petition asking for beefsteak, mutton chops andboiled rice. I have a firm conviction that when the new law, requiringbeef to be sold at candy stores, and compelling those in charge of theyoung to teach them that boiled rice and hominy are bad for the teeth, goes into effect, we shall find the children clamouring for wholesomefood as eagerly as they do now for things that ruin their littletummies. "

"It's a splendid system--and how are you meeting the matinee problem?"asked the March Hare. 

[Illustration: "WHEN THEY THINK NOBODY'S LOOKING"]

"Same way, " said the Duchess. "Every Wednesday and Saturday afternoon wemake 'em go to a matinee, rain or shine, whether they want to or not, and really it's pathetic to see how some of the little dears pine for ahalf-holiday with a hoople, and since I forbade the youngsters to evenlook at the back of a geography or a spelling book, it is most amusingto see how they sneak into the library and devour the contents of thosetwo books when they think nobody's looking. I caught one of the boysreading an Arithmetic in bed last night, wholly neglecting his JackHarkaway books that I had commanded him to read, and leaving his 'Bim, the Broncho Buster of Buffalo, ' absolutely uncut. 

"Fine!" chuckled the Hatter. "And now, my dear Duchess, will you obligeme by taking charge of Miss Alice? She has expressed a desire to gohome and so I have brought her here. "

"Certainly, " said the Duchess. "I'll look after her. "

"You'll excuse us, Alice, " said the Hatter, politely. "We'd escort youfurther ourselves, but a question has come before the MunicipalOwnership Caucus that we must settle before the meeting of the CommonCouncil to-night. Certain of our members claim that they have a rightto sell their votes for $500 apiece----"

"Mercy!" cried Alice. "Why, that is--that is terrible. "

"It certainly is, " said the March Hare ruefully. "It's more thanterrible, it's rotten. Here I've been holding out for $1, 250 for mine, and these duffers want to go in for a cut rate that will absolutely ruinthe business. "

"It's a very important matter, " said the Hatter. "After all our strivingto elevate the people we don't want them to make themselves too cheap. For my part I don't think they should let go of a vote on any questionfor less than $2, 500. "

"That's all right, Mr. Mayor, " said the White Knight. "But you don'twant to frighten capital, you know. "

"Well, you and I disagree on that point, " said the Mayor. "Capital isn'tat all necessary to the success of our schemes. My watchword is Bonds, and as long as I have a printing press to print 'em, and a fountain pento sign 'em I'm not going to be influenced one way or another by afeeling of subserviency to the capitalist class. Good night, Miss Alice. Glad to have met you and I hope you will have a pleasant time with theDuchess. Here, " he added, taking a beautifully printed green and goldpaper from his pocket, "here is a Blanket Mortgage 18% DeferredDebenture Bond on the Main Street Ferry of a par value of $100, 000payable in 3457, as a souvenir of your visit. "

"A hundred thousand dollars, " cried Alice. "For me?"

"No, " corrected the Hatter. "A hundred thousand dollar bond. You don'tget the money until 3457, and not then unless you present it in personto the City Treasurer. "

With which munificent gift the Hatter respectfully bowed himself awayand made on, followed by the March Hare. 

[Illustration: "IF YOU GET INTO TROUBLE, USE THIS"]

"Good-bye, Alice, " said the White Knight sympathetically; and thenthrusting a paper in her hand, he leaned forward and whispered into thelittle girl's ear, "If you get into trouble, use this. "

"Thank you, " said Alice. "What is it?"

"It's a temporary injunction issued by the Chief Justice restraininganybody from interfering with you, " said the White Knight. "You may needit. "

And the kindly old knight ran madly off up the street after the Mayorand the March Hare, and shortly disappeared around the corner. 

"Now, my little dear, " said the Duchess, "we'll take you home. "

Seizing Alice by the hand the Duchess led the little traveller into theMunicipal Nursery. Entering the elevator, they went up and up and up andup until Alice thought they would never stop. Finally on the 117th floorthe elevator stopped. Alice and the Duchess alighted and entered a funnylittle flat, singularly enough labelled with Alice's own name. 

"This is it, " said the Duchess. "There is your bedroom, here is yourparlour, and that is the bath-room. The apartment has runningsoda-water, hot and cold; you will find a refrigerator stocked withpeanut brittle, molasses candy, and sugared fruits in the pantry. Yourreading will consist of Lucy the Lace Vendor, or How the LaundressBecame a Lady; the works of Marie Corelli; Factory Fanny, the Forger'sDaughter, and any other unwholesome book you may want from the House ofCorrection Library. Playtime will begin at seven every morning and youwill be compelled to dress and undress dolls until one, when yourcaramel will be given to you, after which you will skip the rope andread fairy stories until six. You must drink five glasses of soda-waterevery day and will not be allowed to go to bed before eleven o'clock atnight. Hurry now, and get your hair mussed and your hands dirty fordinner. The first course of whipped cream and roasted chestnuts will beserved promptly at six-thirty. "

"But, " cried Alice, "I don't want to stay here--I want to go home. "

"You are home, " said the Duchess. "This is the Municipal Home of theChildren of Blunderland. "

"But I want my father and mother, " whimpered Alice. 

"The City is your father, my child, and I am officially your mother, "said the Duchess. 

"You are not!" cried Alice. "You are trying to kidnap me!--I'll--I'llcall the police. "

"The police can't arrest a city, my dear child, and as for me, as theCommissioner of Maternity I am immune from arrest, " laughed the Duchess. 

"Well, I just won't stay, that's all, " cried Alice, stamping her footangrily. "I don't want a city for a father, and I shan't have an officialmother in place of a real one. "

[Illustration: "SEIZING HER BY THE ARM"]

The child ran toward the door, but the Duchess was too quick for her, seizing her by the arm. 

"Let me go!" shrieked Alice. 

"Never, " snapped the Duchess. 

And then the little girl thought of the piece of paper the White Knighthad given her. 

"I guess that will make you change your mind, " she said, handing theinjunction to her captor. 

The Duchess read it carefully; her face paled, and she too stamped herfoot. 

"I'll see about this, she roared angrily, and in a moment she had gone, slamming the door so hard behind her that the building fairly shook. Amoment later Alice followed, and in a short time was bounding down thestairway as fast as her little legs would carry her toward freedom, whenall of a sudden she tripped and began to fall--down, down, down--O, would she never stop! And then, bump! Her fall was over, and strange torelate the little maid found herself sitting on the floor back in herown nursery in her own real home, with her mother bending over her. 

"Dear me, Alice, " said her mother. "I hope you haven't hurt yourself. "

[Illustration: "WHY-HAVE I--I REALLY FALLEN?"]

"No, " said Alice. "Why--have I--I really fallen?"

"You most certainly have--off the sofa, " laughed her mother. "Where haveyou been?" she added. "In Wonderland again?"

"No, " said Alice. "In Blunderland--this time. "

Which struck her father, when he heard the story of her adventureslater, as a very apt and descriptive title for the M. O. Country.