[Frontispiece: Along he comes with some dame he must have kidnappedfrom the Follies when Ziegfeld was busy countin' up the receipts orsomethin'. ] ALEX THE GREAT BY H. C. WITWER Author of "From Baseball to Boches, " "A Smile a Minute, " etc. ILLUSTRATED BY ARTHUR WILLIAM BROWN BOSTON SMALL, MAYNARD & COMPANY PUBLISHERS Copyright, 1919, BY SMALL, MAYNARD & COMPANY (INCORPORATED) DEDICATED TO RALPH T. HALE --EDITOR OF SMALL, MAYNARD AND COMPANY-- MY PUBLISHER--BUT STILL MY FRIEND CONTENTS CHAPTER I INTRODUCING ALEX THE GREAT II THE SELF-COMMENCER III PLAY YOUR ACE! IV DON'T GIVE UP THE TIP! V YOU CAN DO IT! VI THE LITTLE THINGS DON'T COUNT VII ART IS WRONG ILLUSTRATIONS Along he comes with some dame he must have kidnapped from the Follies when Ziegfeld was busy countin' up the receipts or somethin'. . . . . . . _Frontispiece_ I struck a match and he tells me they is 9, 765, 543 of them used in NewYork every fiscal year. "She's going to marry me, she's going to marry me!" She's knittin' a sweater for me that will prob'ly make me off her forlife. "How perfectly sweet! If you two only knew what a pretty picture youmake!" "Heavens!" says the vampire. "You must have worked all your life toacquire ignorance, for no one was ever born as stupid as you!" When the dames cast languishing glances at his handsome form, he glaredat them like an infuriated turtle. ALEX THE GREAT CHAPTER I INTRODUCING ALEX THE GREAT Girls, listen--if friend hubby comes home to-night and while hurlin'the cat off his favorite chair, remarks that he's got a scheme to makegold out of mud or pennant winners out of the St. Looey Cardinals, don't threaten to leave him flat and accuse him of givin' aid andcomfort to the breweries. Turn the gas out under the steak, be seatedand register attention--because maybe he _has_! Scattered around all the department stores, coal mines, butcher shops, the police force and banks, there's guys which can sing as well asCaruso, lead a band better than Sousa, stand Dempsey on his ear, showRockefeller how to make money or teach Chaplin some new falls. Yetthese birds go through life on eighteen dollars every Saturday withprospects, and never get their names in the papers unless they getcaught in a trolley smash-up. They're like a guy with the ice creamconcession at the North Pole. They got the goods, but what of it? Asfar as the universe is concerned it's a secret--they're there withchimes on, but nobody knows it but them! Y'know this stuff about us all bein' neck and neck when we hit thenursery may be true, but, believe me, some guys are born to run second!They get off on the wrong foot, trailin' the leaders until theundertaker stops the race. They plod through life takin' orders fromguys that don't know half as much about any given thing as they do;they never get a crack at the big job or the big money, althoughaccordin' to Hoyle they got everything that's needed for both. TakeJoey Green who used to be so stupid at dear old college that thefaculty once considered givin' him education by injectin' it into hisdome with a hypodermic. At forty he comes back to the campus to make'em a present of a few new buildin's out of last month's winnin's fromthe cruel world. Where is Elbert Huntington, which copped all thediplomas, did algebra by ear and was give medals for out-brainin' theclass? Where is _he_, teacher? And the echo chirps, "Workin' for JoeyGreen, drawin' twenty a week and on the payroll as No. 543!" The answer to this little thumb sketch is easy. Elbert Huntington hadbrains and Joey Green had confidence. Elbert _expected_ to dumfoundthe world with what he knew, and Joey _did_ dumfound it with what hedidn't. Now if Joseph made good with nothin' but nerve, what could aguy do that had brains and nerve both? I'll tell you. After we won the world's series in 1914 and the dough had been dividedup to the satisfaction of everybody but the guys that was in on thesplit, me and the wife had figured on one of them trips to Europe. Youprob'bly know the kind I mean, "$900 and up. Bus to hotel on fifthmorning out included. " I had looked forward to this here expeditionfor thirty years, like a guy looks forward to eight o'clock the nighthe's gonna call on his first girl. We had learned French and Eytalianoff of a phonograph record and from givin' them spaghetti dives a play. Also, I had collected a trousseau that would of made John Drew takearsenic if he'd ever of flashed me when I was dolled up for the street. Prob'ly you have seen somethin' in the papers about how the old countrywas closed to traffic right then. From what I hear it was all dug uplike lower Broadway and tourists had to detour by way of So. America, so we never got nearer Europe than the Williamsburg Bridge, and youcan't see a thing from there. Well, when we found out that as far as trips to Europe was concernedthey was nothin' stirrin', the wife took both bank books and went downto Lakewood, while I stayed in New York as a deposit on the new flat. I went to the station with her and I'll betcha from the fond farewellswe give each other, people must of thought she was gonna take the veilor somethin', instead of just goin' to entomb herself in Jersey for amonth. I swore I'd be in every night at ten, although that's kindalate to start out for the night, and she promised not to get in nobridge mêlées where the sum they battled for was over six bits. Thenwe took some more bows on the lovin' good-by stuff, and I'm alone inthe big city. I managed somehow to live through the day, but the next afternoon Ilured a bunch up to the flat for a little pinochle. I begin byinvitin' two guys, but by the time we got to Harlem we was a dozenstrong. Once inside the portals, it turns out that only six of them iswild about pinochle, so the rest of 'em take up the rugs, start thevictrola and give themselves up to dancin'. Pretty soon the telephonerings with great violence. I grabbed the receiver and learned it wasthe woman which lives underneath. "Them steamfitters you got rehearsin' up there has got to call it aday!" she says. "Otherwise I'll moan to the landlord. The chandelierhas left the ceilin' already and four pieces of my chocolate set isbusted. I never heard tell of such carryin' on!" "Wait till you been here a little longer, " I says, "I ain't carryin'on, me and some boy friends of mine is tryin' to kill a dull afternoonand--" "If them's friends makin' that racket, " she butts in, "I hope I havemoved when your enemies call! What am I gonna do about that chocolateset, hey? D'ye hear--there goes another piece!" "If I was in your place, " I tells her, "I'd drink coffee, and if yourfurnishings is all as frail as that chocolate set you're featurin', youbetter grab hold of the piano, because I'm gonna sneeze!" "Don't you dare make no cracks about my furniture!" she yells. "I gotmy opinion of what you do for a livin' when you can afford to be homein the daytime!" "I make chocolate sets, " I says. "We're workin' on one now and--" "Wait till my husband comes home!" she cuts in. "He'll take care ofyou!" "I don't need nobody to take care of me, " I comes back, "I'm selfsupportin'. " "Why don't you let go there?" yells Eddie Brannan. "Are you and thatdame doin' an act or what?" Zip! she hangs up and just then the front door-bell makes good. "See who it is!" I calls to one of the gang, sittin' in the game again. "Tell 'em I'm in Brazil and--" Oh, boy! One of them dead silences took place in the hall and--in walks the wife! For the next five seconds it was so quiet in that flat that a graveyardwould seem like a locomotive works alongside of it. Joe Leity startsto whistle soft and low, Abe Katz opens the dumbwaiter and looks downto see what kind of a jump it is and I dropped a hundred aces on thefloor. The rest of the gang eases over to the door. "Why--ah--eh--ah, what does this mean?" I says kinda weak. "I thoughtyou had went to Lakewood. " "Well, " she says, turnin' the eyes, that used to fill the Winter Gardenevery night, on the gang, "where d'ye figure I am now? I'll give youthree guesses!" "Ahem!" says Joe Leity, "I guess I'll blow! I--" "Me, too!" pipes the gang like a chorus and does a few more vamps tothe door. "Why don't you introduce your friends?" says the wife. "Or maybe youjust run across these boys yourself when you come in, heh?" "Excuse!" I says. "This here's Joe Leity, Abe Katz, Phil Young, RedDailey, Steve--" "Never mind callin' the roll, " she butts in. "I'll let it go en masse. I'm delighted to meet you all, and I hope you won't run away simplybecause I'm here. " "Oh, no--not at all--we ain't runnin' away!" they says. "There's no reason for you boys _runnin'_ anyways, " the wife goes on, "because the elevator is right outside now and I think the boy isholdin' the car for you--" They blowed! "And now, " says the wife to me, "what d'ye mean by bringin' themplumbers up here for a union meetin', eh?" "Don't be always knockin'!" I answers, gettin' peeved. "Them boys isall honest and true, even if they do look a little rough to the nakedeye. But how is it you come back to-day when you wasn't due for amonth?" "You're tickled to death to see me, ain't you?" she asks, pullin' thepout that formerly helped sell the magazines. To be level with you, I was--mad and all. "Why, dearie!" I remarks, kissin' her. "You know I--" "Easy with the oil!" she cuts me off. "Get on your hat and coat; we'regoin' right down to Grand Central Station. " "Don't you think it's liable to tire you, honey, " I asks her, "runnin'back and forth from Lakewood like this?" "I'm not goin' to Lakewood, Stupid, " she says. "We're goin' down tomeet Alex Hanley--of course you remember him?" I threw in the self-starter on the old brain, but there was nothin'doin'. "No!" I says. "To come right out with it--I don't. I realize thoughthat he must be a lu-lu when we're goin' down and meet him at thestation. What did he do--lick Dempsey?" "Idiot!" says the wife, callin' me by her favorite pet name. "He's mycousin. " Oh, boy! We was goin' down in the elevator and I sunk in the seat with a lowmoan. In the short space since me and the wife had been wed, I had mether father, six brothers, four nephews, three cousins and a bevy of heruncles. They all claimed they was pleased to meet me, though theycouldn't figure how their favorite female relative come to fall forme--and then they folleyed that lead up with a request for everythingfrom a job to ten bucks. "All right, dearie, " I says, finally, "I'm game! Believe me, though, while your family is all aces to me on account of bein' related to you, I often find myself wishin' that you had been an orphan!" "I could of married a couple of millionaires!" sighs the wife. "And tothink I turned 'em down for you!" "If you had married a _couple_ of millionaires, you would of beenpinched!" I says. "What d'ye think this cousin of yours will want tostart off with, from your affectionate husband?" "Nothin'!" she tells me. "Alex never asked a favor in his life. Believe me, this one is different!" "I can see that from here!" I says. "If you claim he won't take me forsomething he's different, all right. In fact I can hardly believe hebelongs to the family at all. " "I was brought up never to brawl in the open, " says the wife, "so I'mlettin' your insults go. This boy is fresh from the mountains ofVermont. He's never been to New York in his life and he's comin' herenow to make his mark. " "I'll lay you eight to five I'm the mark!" I says. We was at the station then, so we had to practise self-denial and quitscrappin'. The wife explained that she had hardly got to Lakewood whenshe found a telegram there from her cousin Alex sayin' that he wascomin' down for a visit. So she beat it right back to meet him, notwantin' the poor kid to breeze into a town like New York, all by hislonesome. Well, we stand in the middle of the waitin'-room like a couple of boobsfor a while, and then a guy, which I figured must be a college devilbustin' into a new fraternity, comes gallopin' across the floor, slamsa suitcase down on my foot and throws his arms around the wife's neck. He had on a cap which could of been used as a checker board when yougot tired of wearin' it, a suit of clothes that must of been made by amaniac tailor and the yellowest tan shoes I ever seen in my life. Ifhe had been three inches taller and an ounce thinner, you could of puta tent around him and got a dime admission. On his upper lip, whichwas of a retirin' disposition, he had a mustache that was an outrightsteal from Chaplin. I watched him and my wife embrace as long as I could stand it and thenI tapped her on the shoulder. "I suppose this is Alex, eh?" I says--while he looks at me for thefirst time. "You got Sherlock Holmes lookin' stupid!" admits the wife. "Alex, meetmy lord and master. " "Howdy, cousin!" hollers Alex. "I knowed you the minute I seen youfrom them, now, big ears you got. Y'know they went to work and printedyour picture in the Sunday papers last month on a charge of havin' wonthe, now, pennant for--Well, that's neither here nor there. I comehere to make good! A feller with brains can always do that in thesebig rube towns like New York. Of course a baseball player don't needno brains--you know that yourself and--" "C'mon, Alex, " butts in the wife quickly, seein' I was gettin' ready tograb Alex by the neck. "We'll go right up to the flat and havesomething to eat. I'll bet you haven't had a bite since you lefthome--you ought to be starved by this time!" "I'd rather see him shot, myself!" I growls, taggin' along after them, carryin' this bird's suitcase. If they was clothes in there, Alex mustof dressed in armor up in Vermont. The thing was as heavy as twodollars' worth of corn beef and cabbage. However, I figured I'd getback at Alex the minute he asked me for a job. I was all set for thisbird, believe me! "So this is New York, hey?" he pipes through his nose the minute we getoutside the station. He stops dead in the street, gazin' up at the bigbuildin's and then down at the crowds like a guy in a trance. All heneeded was a streamer of hay in his mouth and the first seven guys thatpassed would of offered to sell him the Bronx. He gasps a couple oftimes and wipes his eyes. "Well, Alex, " I says, tryin' hard not to laugh in his face, "what d'yethink of New York? Considerable burg, eh?" He shakes his head kinda sad and sighs. "I'll speak plain to you, cousin, " he says. "Of all the rube burgs Iever seen, this here's the limit!" I liked to fell down one of them Subway holes! "Rube town?" I yells. "Where d'ye get that stuff? Are you seekin' tokid me?" He grabs me by the shoulders and swings me around. "Just you look at that crowd of folks on the corner there!" he tellsme. He points over to where half New York is bein' held up in atraffic jam--wagons, autos, surface cars and guys usin' rubber heels asa means of locomotion, all waitin' for the cop to say, "Go!" "Just look at 'em!" repeats Alex, sneering at me. "From the reportsthat have reached me, this here's the town where all the brains in theworld is gathered. There's a couple hundred of them brains on thecorner there now, I reckon, and they can't go nowheres till thatconstabule gives the word! Huh!" he snorts, turnin' away. "All just alot of rubes, that's all!" We get in a taxi and all the way up Alex kept lookin' out the window, shakin' his head and mutterin' somethin' about Manhattan bein' awell-advertised bunk and all the inhabitants thereof bein' hicks. Idon't know whether he was after my goat or not, but in a few minutes hehad it. "Listen, gentle stranger, " I says, when nature could stand no more, "Irealize that New York is nothin' but a flag station and that we're allReubens and chew hay, but we have, amongst other things, six millionmerry villagers, the biggest buildings in the world, the subway, gunmen, cabarets, Broadway, and--well, a lot of things that you gottaadmit ain't hit dear old Vermont as yet!" "And I most sincerely hope and trust they never will!" pipes Alex. "Wedon't need 'em! We got good, clean mountain air, plenty of honestgreen grass and--and--_neighbors_! There's just a few things you ain'tgot in New York. Cousin Alice tells me she was here two years beforeshe knowed the folks in the next flat. That shows you people issuspicious. You know you're rubes and you're afraid to welcome thestranger for fear he'll sell you one of them, now, gold bricks. I alsohear you pay five and six dollars for a seat at an entertainment. Youso-called wise New Yorkers pays that much for tickets and then go inand laugh your fool heads off at a scene showin' a, now, farmer bein'stung! Ha, ha, ha! You--" We was up at the flat then, and I let him rave on, tryin' not to getpeeved, so's we'd have some peace and quiet in the family. I knew ifhe kept on pannin' my town, I'd get sore and bite him or somethin'--andthen the wife wouldn't gimme no smile for a month. Alex was a new oneon me so far, but I figured that in a couple of days he'd be tellin'the world that New York was the greatest place on earth and people thatlived anywheres else must be nutty--the way they all do. After supper the wife calls up a girl friend of hers so's we can makeup a little theatre party. Me and Alex goes into the parlor for asmoke, and I asked him how he come to be in our mongst if he alreadyknowed what a hick town New York was. "I come here to make good, " he tells me, "because, in my opinion, thisis the easiest place in the world to do that thing. This town is nodifferent than Ann Harbor or New Haven, except that it's bigger--that'sall! The trouble with most fellows that come here from a small townis, they let New York get under their skin and it takes their nervebefore they get started. Advertisin' is what has made this town whatit is to-day and nothin' else. It's easier to make good here than itis in a burg, because in your own town everybody knows you and nowfourflushin' will get you nothin'. There's so many people here that afeller can keep _some_ of 'em guessin' all the time. All anybody needsto get ahead here is confidence--" "Well, " I butts in, "if all a guy needs is confidence, you ought to bea knockout! What are you figurin' on doin' first?" "I'll look around to-morrow, " he says. "I wanna start off with thehardest proposition in the town right away. Out in my town five of usfellers formed a little club. Each of us has swore to come to New Yorkone after the other and make good in six months to a year, just to showyou folks how easy it is. For one thing, we all got our own privatelittle plans for winnin' out here and every one of us is goin' to go atthe proposition from a brand new angle. I was elected to be the firstone, and that's why I'm here. " "Alex, " I says, "you're an ambitious feller, and I gotta hand it toyou. I don't doubt you'll go a long ways at that, if you don't getpinched for speedin'. But this stuff you're pullin' about dear oldManhattan gets under my collar! I hate to hear you pan the capital ofthe world in that rough way of yours, and when you claim it's a simplematter to make good here, you have gone and pulled a bone. If it's assoft as you say, I must of lost the combination or somethin', becauseit took me thirty years to get over right here, and, at that, I ain'tcausin' Rockefeller or George M. Cohan no worry! So just to show youthat your dope is all wrong and that you're due to hit the bumps if youplay it out, I'll lay you eight to five you muff the very first thingyou try here--what d'ye say?" He looks at me for a minute and shakes his head. "I don't want to deprive my Cousin Alice of no luxuries, " he tells me, "or I'd snap you right up on that. " "I see they're still makin' 'em yellah up in Vermont!" I sneers. "D'ye mean to insinuate that I'm a quitter?" he asks me, gettin' red. "You ought to be a fortune teller!" I says. "By gravy, I'll take you up!" he hollers. "I got five hundred dollarsin my left shoe and I might as well add to it now as later. I'll betyou the five hundred to your eight hundred that the first thing Itackle here, I make good!" "You hate yourself, don't you?" I says. "Who's yellah now?" he comes back. "The canary, " I tells him. "You're on!" Just then the door-bell rings, and they was sounds of kissin' by womenprincipals in the hall. In walks the wife with what looks to me like aopium-eater's dream and a Fifth Avenue evenin' gown model combined. Alex takes one flash and turns red, white and blue. "This is my friend Eve Rossiter, " says the wife. "My husband, Eve, andmy cousin, Alex Hanley. " "Charmed!" breathes Eve, pullin' a smile that lit up the room. "Me and you both!" I says. But Alex clears his throat, grits his teeth and flushes up. They was aglitter in his eye and he begins to talk fast and hard. "Howdy, Miss Rossiter!" he says, shakin' hands like he was bein' give aknockdown to the new bartender. "I'm astounded to meet you! I justcome to New York to-day, but if I'd of knowed you was here, I'd of beenhere long ago. However, I'm here now and better late than forever, asthe feller says. I just bet my cousin here that the first thing Itried my hand at in New York I'd make good. I'm goin' out to-morrowand show him how easy it is for a feller to get to the top in this hereprize rube burg, provided he has now gumption and his methods is new. I'll see you to-morrow night and let you know how I made out; I knowyou won't have no peace till you hear about it!" He digs into hispockets feverishly and grabs out a handful of letters. "Here's whatthey thought of me up in Vermont!" he goes on, never takin' his eyesoff the girl's face. The wife is starin' at him with her mouth andeyes as open as a crap tourney, like she figured he'd gone nutty--andme and Little Eva is runnin' neck and neck at tryin' to keep fromlaughin'. "They say a man that can make good in New York can make goodanywhere, " he goes on, throwin' the clutch into high again. "_I_ say aman that can make good anywhere can make good in New York! What's thedifference between New York and Goose Creek, Iowa?--New York's got morepeople in it, that's all! It's harder--" "Alex, Alex!" butts in the wife, finally regainin' control of hervoice. "What is the matter with you? You--" "Hush!" says Alex, turnin' back to Eve again. "It's harder to makegood in a little town than it is in a big one, because--" "Alex, look here!" cuts in the wife, gettin' sore. "Miss Rossiterain't interested in that patter of yours--we're goin' to the theatre. Now both you men run along and dress, we'll miss half the show as itis!" "I'll be right back!" chirps Alex to Eve. "Them eyes of yours issimply now dumfoundin'!" I took Alex in my boudoir and while I'm gettin' in the banquetuneyform, he takes a thing that was a cross between a tuxedo and adress suit out of his bag and dolls up. When set for the street, Alexwas no Greek god, but he was fairly easy to look at, if you closed oneeye. He wanted to know what kind of an entertainment they had at theopry house this week, and I told him I'd show him somethin' that hadthem huskin' bees, he was used to up in Vermont, beat eighty ways fromthe jack. Well, we go to the biggest musical show on Broadway, and instead offaintin' dead away from joy, Alex claims it was rotten and spent thenight explainin' to Eve how he was gonna take New York the nextmornin'. After the show we went to a cabaret and still no rise out ofAlex. He was off the gay whirl, he says, and his idea of a holiday wasto sit beside his own fireside, readin' yesterday's mail, while hiswife made the room resound with melody by hummin' "Silver Threads AmongThe Gold, " the while knittin' a doily for the front-room table. At this, Eve, which has been gazin' at Alex all night like he was ConeyIsland and she was gettin' her first peep, asks if he was married. "Don't crowd me!" he tells her, tappin' her arm playfully. "I ain'tgonna get married till I make good. By to-morrow night, though, Ireckon I'll be in a position to talk it over with you!" "Ooooh!!" gasps Eve, turnin' a becomin' shade of red. Can you tell mewhy them big league dames fall for these guys like Alex? If you can dothat, I got an easy one for you--I wanna know who started the world. From one flash at Eve, bein' a married man, I could tell where she'd bethe next night when Alex called--and it wouldn't be--out! The nextminute Eve laughed and tells Alex if he's got as much ability as he hasnerve, he ought to have New York on its ear in twenty-four hours. Thewife asks him will he kindly lay off pesterin' her girl friend to deathand quit boostin' himself for a minute, because we was out for pleasureand he had played the one record all night. "Go on, Mister Hanley, " butts in Eve, "I love to hear you talk. You'reso different from any one else I've met, and I really believe you_will_ do something big here, because you're--well--new!" "You have remarked somethin'!" agrees Alex. "I'm gonna show 'emsomethin' they never seen before and make 'em like it!" Well, he takes Eve home that night for a starter, and the next mornin'he's up bright and early at seven, ready to startle Manhattan. He saidhe wanted me to go out with him and watch him win my eight hundredbucks and also to notice the way he worked. He picks up the mornin'paper, runs through the "Help Wanted" columns for a minute and finallyclears his throat. "Aha!" he says. "Listen to this--'Wanted. High class automobilesalesman for the Gaflooey light delivery wagon. We have no time forexperiments and successful applicant must make good at once. We don'twant an order taker, but an order _maker_--a real, live, simon-purehustler who will start delivering the goods the morning he goes on thepayroll. This job pays ten thousand a year, if you show us you'reworth it. Apply personally all day and bring references. This isimperative. We want to see your past record of sales elsewhere. Askfor Mr. Grattan, 1346 Broadway. If you haven't the experience, don'tcome!'" "Well?" I says. He puts down the paper and reaches for his hat. "They'll probably be a lot after that there job, hey?" he asks me. "About four thousand, I'd say offhand!" I grins. "Fine!" he says, rubbin' his hands and smilin', "I love competitionbecause it puts a feller on his mettle. Now look here, if I go downthere and secure that job this mornin', do I get your eight hundreddollars?" "What?" I hollers. "What d'ye mean, do you get my eight hundred?" "Listen!" he says. "The bet was that I make good at the first thing Itackle, wasn't it--all right! Now this here job looks good to me. Tenthousand a year is nice money to start. If you're fair minded, you'lladmit that in goin' after this job I'm up against a pretty stiffproposition. In the first place I don't know no more about automobilesthan you do about raisin' hogs. I never sold one in my life. I don'tknow a soul in New York outside of you, Cousin Alice and that girl Itook home last night, so I can't furnish no references on my ability asa salesman. The advertisement says you have to have 'em. As you say, they'll be thousands after that job. Fellers with swell fronts, highsoundin' records in back of 'em and gilt-edged references. Now underall that handicap, if I walk in there and get the job, won't you admitI made good?" "If you go down and ask for that job and they turn you down, you'll payme, eh?" I asks him. "At once!" he says, firmly. "C'mon, Alex!" I tells him, puttin' on my hat. "I hate to cop a suckerbet like this, but maybe losin' it will reduce the size of your head atrifle and do you good!" Once out in the street, he stretches his arms, pulls his hat down hardover his dome and stamps his feet. "Watch me close!" he says. "Watch me close and you'll get somevaluable tips on how to put yourself over. I told you I was gonna benew--just observe how I go after this job. The average New Yorker whowanted it would go right down to the office, present his, now, credentials and ask for it, wouldn't he?" I nodded. "The early worm catches the fish, y'know!" I says; "and in New Yorkhere--the town that made pep and hustle famous--a man would be downthere at six a. M. Waitin' for the place to open. Why, there's prob'lya hundred or more there right now!" "I hope there's a million!" he comes back. "It'll be more satisfactionwhen they hire me over all them others. Now I ain't goin' near thatthere office as yet. My system gets away from the old stuff--just keepyour eye on Cousin Alex from now on!" He buys a newspaper, finds the automobile section and, finally, a bigdisplay advertisement of the Gaflooey Auto Company. He takes out aletter from his pocket and on the back of it he marks the price, style, and a lot of other dope about Gaflooey light delivery wagons and thenthrows the paper away. "Now, " he grins, "I'm all ready, except to give them folks my full namefor the payroll!" At that minute, somebody slaps me on the back and I swing around to seeBuck Rice chucklin' at me. Buck used to be one of the best secondbasemen that ever picked up a bat, till his legs went back on him andhe got into the automobile game. I remember thinkin' how funny it wasthat he come along right then when me and Alex was talkin' about autos. "Well, how are they breakin', Buck?" I says, shakin' hands andintroducin' Alex. "I think I have fanned with the bases loaded again, " he laughs. "I putin five hours to-day tryin' to get the Mastadon Department Store to putin a line of six-cylinder Katzes on their delivery system. I got aprivate tip that they're changin' from the Mutz-36 and the first orderwill be about eighty cars. Of course that's a sweet piece of money forsomebody and everybody in New York will be there to-day tryin' to grabthat order off. You might as well try to sell radiators in Hadesthough, because Munson, the bird that does the purchasin', is stuck onthe Clarendon and he wouldn't buy anything else if they was givin' 'emaway!" "Well, that's tough, Buck!" I sympathizes. "Sure is!" he says, givin' me and Alex a quarter perfecto and grinnin'some more to show how disappointed he feels. "But I should worry! IfI lose that one, I'll get another, so what's the difference?" He turnsto Alex, "Y'know in New York here, " he confides, "we don't have no timeto hold no coroner's inquests over failures. We forget about 'em andgo after somethin' else--always on the job, get me? You'll learn afteryou're here a while--that's what makes the town what it is. If Istopped to moan over every order I didn't put across, I'd be nowhereto-day. Nope, you can't do that in New York!" "Another of them there New Yorkers, hey?" sneers Alex to me, after Buckhas blowed. "Don't you see how that feller proves my argyment abouthow simple it is to make good here? From the way he's dressed--them, now, diamonds and so forth--he's probably a big feller in his line. Makin' plenty of money and looked on as a success by the ig'rant. Yethe lets a big order get away from him when it was practically a cinchto land it!" "Say, listen!" I yelps--this bird was gettin' on my nerves. "Iffour-flushin' was water, you'd be the Pacific Ocean! You gimme a painwith that line of patter you got, and as far as salesmanship isconcerned, I'll bet you couldn't sell a porterhouse steak to a guydyin' of hunger. I'd like to see _you_ land an order like Buck spokeof, you--" "That's just what you're gonna do!" he butts in. "You're gonna see_me_ land that very order he told us about--what d'ye think of that, hey?" I stopped dead and gazed upon him. "You're gonna which?" I asks him. "I'm gonna land that order from that department store!" he repeats, grabbin' my arm. "C'mon--show me how to get there!" I fell up against a lamp post and laughed till a passin' dame remarkedto her friend that it was an outrage the way some guys drank. Then Iled Alex to the subway. "Listen, " I says. "What about this job you was gonna get? Of courseyou know if you quit, I win the bet. " "Quit?" he says. "Where have I heard the word before? Who saidanything about quittin'? I'm gonna get that order and I'm gonna getthat job!" "Fair enough!" I tells him, "but you're goin' at the thing backwards. How are you gonna take an order for autos when you ain't got no autosto sell? I suppose you figure on grabbin' the ten thousand dollar jobfirst and then makin' good with a loud crash by landin' the big order, eh?" He shakes his head and sighs pityin'ly. "Would there be anything new and original about that?" he asks. "No!" I says, "there wouldn't! But I don't see how you're gonna winout any other way. " "Of course you don't!" he sneers. "You're a New Yorker, ain't you?I'm supposed to be the rube, simply because I wasn't born on SixthAvenue. Now I already told you my methods was new, didn't I? Anybodywould work the thing the way you lay it out--and probably land neitherthe job nor the order. What a chance would I have goin' up there andaskin' for that job first? Where would I come out against all themsellin' experts with letters and so forth to prove it? Why, they'dlaugh me outa the office! _B-u-t!--if I go to them with an order forfifty or sixty of their cars as actual proof that I can sell not onlyautos, but their autos_, what will they say, then? D'ye see the pointnow? They ask me for a reference and I reach in my pocket and givethem the order, _which I've got before applyin' for the job_, to proveto myself and them that I can sell automobiles!" Oh, boy! "Alex, " I says, when I got my breath, "I gotta hand it to you! When itcomes to inventin' things, you got Edison lookin' like a backwardpupil. Go to it, old kid! If you put this over the way you have justtold it to me, you'll own Broadway in a week!" "I'm figurin' on ten days!" he says. We arrive at the Mastadon Department Store and shoot up in the elevatorto the office of G. C. Munson, the general manager. Alex has beenreadin' the notes he made on Gaflooey delivery wagons like the same wasa French novel, and, by the time we got there, he could repeat theiradvertisement by heart. He starts to breeze right into the office andsome dame appears on the scene and nails him. "One moment, please!" she says, very cold--givin' Alex a look that tookin everything from his hick clothes to his rube haircut. "This happensto be a private office. Whom did you desire to see?" "If I thought they was anybody prettier than you here, I'd ask to havethem brought out, " says Alex, in that simple rube way of his which giveno offense, "but of course I know that's impossible. Still, as long asI'm here, I'd like to see Mister Munson. " The dame melts and releases a smile. "What did you wish to see him about?" she asks. "About ten minutes, " pipes Alex. "D'ye know there's somethin' aboutthem navy blue eyes of yours that makes me think of my mother--isn'tthat funny?" The dame surrenders and shows Alex all her nice front teeth. "I'll see if Mister Munson is in, " she says, handin' him a card, "butyou'll have to fill this out. " Alex looks at the card which had this on it, Mr ................................... Desires to see ....................... Regarding ............................ He laughs suddenly, takes out his fountain pen and fills the thing out. Lookin' over his shoulder I seen him write this, Mr......... _Alex Hanley_ Desires to see ...... _Mr. Munson_. Regarding .... _The price of petrified noodles in Siberia_. "There, " he says, handin' it to the girl without a smile, "give that toMister Munson. " She takes it in without lookin' at it. "Well, you crabbed any chance you might of had, right off the bat!" Isays to Alex. "He'll get so sore when he reads that, he won't even letyou in. " "Let him get sore!" chirps Alex. "He'll not only get sore, he'll getcurious and then again I'm figurin' on him bein' human, besides bein'general manager and havin' a sense of humor! He's probably beenpestered with auto salesmen all day--if I wrote my real business onthat card he'd send word he was out. As it is, he'll read it and hewon't be able to resist the, now, temptation to get one look at afeller which would want to know from a man in his position the price ofpetrified noodles in Siberia. No matter what happens afterwards, he'llwant one look--wouldn't you?" Before I can answer, the dame comes out laughin'. "Step in, " she says. "Mister Munson will see you. " "Now!" hisses Alex, as we ease in on the velvet carpet. "Watch how _I_go about sellin' autos. Y'see I got a nibble already because I wasnew! I--Howdy, Mister Munson!" We was in the private office. Munson was a little, keen-faced guy--bald, nervous and fat. He looksup over his glasses with Alex's card in his hand--and Alex looks back. In one second they had each found out all they wanted to know about theother. "What's the meaning of this nonsense?" barks Munson. Alex walks over to the desk, wets his lips and gets goin'. "Mister Munson, " he says, "if you called on a man at his office, wouldyou care to write your business on a card for the office boy to read?No--you would not! A big man like you would probably tear the card up, leave the office in a, now, rage and never return! You'd be insulted, your, now, dignity would be hurt, eh? You might be from out of townand comin' here to leave a big order and that little thing--prob'lyinvented by one of your New York efficiency stars--would make you somad you'd go away and order where they wasn't so efficient, but alittle more courteous! Look at that card--the, now, wordin' of it. Look how cold and hard it is! No warmth, no 'glad-to-see-you-strangerwhat-can-my-house-do-for-you?' about it. It's like a slap in the face!Maybe it does keep the panhandlers away, but did you ever figure howmany orders it must have cost you, hey?" Munson has listened to every word, first with a heavy frown and thenwith a kind of thoughtful look on his face. He taps the desk with alead pencil, reads the card a couple of times and then slams his fiston the desk. "By Peter, young man!" he snaps out suddenly, "you may be right! Thewording of that office blank _is_ rather insulting, now that I dissectit--been too busy before to notice it. Yes, sir, I _would_ resenthaving my business blatted out before a whole staff of subordinates!There must be some way, of course, to keep out the hordes of joblessand what not who would get in if it wasn't for that blank and now, bythe eternal, we'll find one less liable to turn away gold withthe--er--grist! I thank you for the suggestion. And now, what did youwant to see me about?" "Automobiles, " says Alex, "and--" Munson freezes right up and slaps his hands together. "That's enough!" he snarls. "Perhaps that office blank of ours is notso bad after all! If you had filled it out properly, you wouldn't behere. I've heard enough about autos to-day to last me for the rest ofmy life. Yesterday, I mentioned casually, and I thought in confidence, that we were considering a change in our delivery system. Beginning ateight this morning, there has been a constant stream of automobilesalesmen in this office! The only persons who have not tried to sellme automobiles are George Washington, Jack Dempsey and Billy Sunday!I'm quite sure every one else has been here. The air has been filledwith magnetos, self-starters, sliding gear transmissions, aluminumcrank cases and all that other damnable technical stuff that goes withautomobiles! You need not open your mouth--I know exactly what yoursales talk is, they're all alike, more or less. Your car is far andaway the best on the market, of course, and--" "Excuse me, Mister Munson!" butts in Alex. "You get me all wrong. Ourcar--the Gaflooey--is _not_ the best on the market. There are othersjust as good and some of the higher priced ones are, naturally, better. You can't expect the best on the market for the price we sell at--750. A man of your intelligence knows that and when a salesman tells you hisfive hundred dollar car is better than a standard make at fivethousand, he's insulting your intelligence. We make a good, honestcar--that's all. I ain't gonna take up your time tellin' you aboutthe--eh--ah--the--eh, magneto and so forth. Unless you're a mechanic, you wouldn't understand about 'em anyways. All the parts that go withany car are on ours, or it wouldn't work--that's understood. However, as I said before, I ain't gonna take up your time. I know how you NewYorkers do business, and you've probably made your mind up already. You big men are all zip!--like that. Mind made up and nothin' canchange you. Even if you do miss somethin' good now and then, you don'tmind because you have the satisfaction of bein' known as a quickthinker. We just got in a new consignment of cars to-day and if you'reinterested our place is at 1346 Broadway. Well, good-day, sir!" hewinds up, reachin' for his hat. "Wait!" says Munson, takin' off his glasses and wipin' 'em. "You're anew one on me, son! So you admit you haven't got the greatest autothat was ever made, eh?" he chuckles. "By Peter! That sounds strangeafter all the talk I been listening to to-day. If your car is ashonest as you seem to be, it's all right!" He sits lookin' off in theair, tappin' the desk with the pencil again. Alex nudges me and we start for the door. Halfway he stops and looksat a photo that's framed over the desk. It's a picture of a barn, somechickens and a couple of cows. "Right fine landscape, that!" chirps Alex to Munson. "Makes a fellerlike me homesick to look at it. Them are sure fine Jerseys, too--andsay, see them pullets, would you!" "That's my little farm down on Long Island, " says Munson, throwin' outhis chest. "I suppose that makes you laugh, eh? Big, grown New Yorkerhaving a farm, eh?" "Mister, " says Alex, sadly, "it don't make _me_ laugh! I was raised ona farm in Vermont and--" "That so?" cuts in Munson, lookin' interested. "Country boy, eh?" "Yep, " goes on Alex. "Now, speakin' of them pullets there--if you'dtry 'em on a straight diet of bran and potatoes--pound of each--they'llfatten up quicker. " "Yes?" pipes Munson, brightenin' up some more. "Well, well!And--hmph! Thanks, Mister Hanley, I'll make a note of that. Now--eh--sit down a minute! I don't want to take your time, but--eh, what did you find best back home for saving the young chicks? Whatfoods--" "I'll just leave you a few little rules, " says Alex, his eyesglitterin', as he rams his elbow a mile in my ribs. "I got to call onanother department store this afternoon, where I'm almost certain totake an order and--" "Young man!" Munson shuts him off, "I'm frank enough to say that you'vemade a very favorable impression on me. You're honest about your car, and you didn't try to overawe me by hurling a lot of unintelligibletechnical terms into my ear. You don't claim it's the bargain of theage. Now we have recently inaugurated right here in this store apolicy of absolute honesty with regard to our merchandise. Nomisrepresentations are permitted. We sell our goods for what theyare--we don't allow a clerk to tell a customer that he's getting afive-dollar shirt for two dollars. I can't get the car I want to putin here--they want too much money and their salesman spent most of histime here speaking in terms that none but a master mechanic on theirown auto would understand. I'm a pretty good judge of character andyou look good to me. Give me a price on fifty of your cars forimmediate delivery and--well, let's hear your figures!" Alex drops his hat on the floor, but when he picked it up, he was ascool as a dollar's worth of ice. "Just a minute, " he says, sittin' down and reachin' for a desktelephone. He gets the Gaflooey Company on the wire. "Hello!" he says. "Say--I want a lump price on fifty deliverywagons--what?--never mind who this is, if the price is right I'll comeup. " He winks at Munson like he's lettin' him in on somethin'--and, bygravy, Munson winks back! "Yes--fifty, " says Alex on the wire. "Thirty-five thousand dollars?--thank you!" He hangs up the phone andturns to Munson. "They'll give you twenty-five hundred off, accordin'to that figure, " he says. Munson grabs up a pad and writes somethin' on it. "There!" he says, givin' it to Alex. "Tell 'em to get as many carsover here to-morrow as they can. Get your bill and I'll O. K. It. Now--" he pulls his chair over closer, "About those chicks and--oh, yes, I want your opinion on some figures I have here on my truck--" An hour later, me and Alex walks into the salesroom of the GaflooeyAutomobile Company. I was in a trance, and if he had of promised tolift the Singer Buildin' with one hand I would of laid the world eightto five he could do it! The whole place is in confusion--salesmenchasin' around, telephonin' and actin' like they just heard they was abomb in the basement. Alex asks for the manager, and some guy chancesover and asks what he wants. "I have come for that ten thousand a year job you advertised thismornin', " says Alex. "Job?" howls the manager, glarin' at him. "You poor boob, can't yousee how busy we are here now? We just got a tip on a real order--fiftycars, and we can't trace the thing!" He rubs his hands together. "Fifty cars! That's how the Gaflooey sells--fifty at a time!" Hesneers at Alex. "Your approach is terrible!" he says. "You'll neverland a job in this town like that, my boy. Go somewhere first andlearn how to interest a busy man with the first thing you say and--" "Listen!" butts in Alex. "Gimme that job, will you, or I'll have to gosomewhere else. " The manager laughs, as a couple of salesmen come along and join him. They all sneer at Alex and the manager nudges his minions and winks. "So you think you're a ten thousand dollar auto salesman, eh?" he says. "Ah--who can you refer to?" He makes a bluff at takin' down notes. "Mister Munson, of the Mastadon Department Store, " says Alex. "Ha, ha, ha!" roars the manager. "Department store, eh--that's rich!You quit the shirtwaist department to sell autos, eh? Ha, ha, ha!What does a department store manager know of your ability to sellautos?" he snarls. "Well, --I just sold him fifty of _yours_!" remarks Alex. "So Ithought--" "What?" shrieks the manager, grabbin' his arm. Alex hands over the order Munson give him. "Now before I go to work here, " he says, "it might be a good idea tolet me look over one of your cars, because, to tell you the truth, Iain't never seen one of 'em in my life!" Well, they had Munson on the phone in a minute and in another one themanager hangs up the receiver and comes back. "Do I get the job?" asks Alex. "Do you get the job!" yells friend manager, slappin' him on the back. "No, you don't get it--only if you leave here without signing your nameto a five-year contract and accepting a check for fifteen hundreddollars' commission and as much more as you want to draw on yourexpense account, I'll--I'll--murder you! But first, you lunch with meat the Fitz-Barlton and we'll map out a campaign--" "Gimme that eight hundred!" says Alex to me. I passed it over still semi-conscious. Alex stretches his arms, puts the money away and grins. "Get me that Eve girl on the phone, will you?" he tells me. "I--I hada little bet with her, too!" He lights the cigar Buck Rice had givehim in the mornin', blows out some smoke and looks over at Broadway, jammed with the matinée crowd. "Some burg!" he says, shakin' his headand grinnin' at me! CHAPTER II THE SELF-COMMENCER There's nothin' the world loves so much as a good tryer. I don't meanthe birds that havin' everything in their favor, includin' a ten-milestart, finishes first in the Big Race--I'm talkin' about the guys thatnever get better than second or third, but generally land in the money. The old Consistent Charlies that, no matter how many times they'rebeaten, figures the time to quit is when you're dead and buried! Did you ever stop to think that the tryers which never get nowhere isresponsible for the other guys' success? They're the babies that makea race or a fight out of it, and if it wasn't for them dubs there'd beno successes at all. In order to have winners, we got to have_losers_, don't we? And don't forget that yesterday's losers areto-morrow's winners and vice-president or vice versa, whatever it is. A fighter knows that these birds which come up smilin' no matter howmany times he drops 'em for the count is as dangerous as dynamite, until he knocks 'em cold. No matter how bad this loser may be batteredup, he's always got a chance while he's tryin'. I've seen guys thatwas winnin' by two miles curl up and quit before a dub they had beatentill the crowd was yellin' for mercy, simply because this poorbunged-up simp kept comin' in all the time--battered, bloody, drunkwith wallops--_but tryin' up to the last bell_! Now these guys may never get nowhere, but they're the birds that's putmost of the guys that _do_ where they are. Why? Think it over! Yougotta be _good_ to beat them birds, don't you? They make competitionkeen, they keep the other guys on their toes, they're the gasoline thatkeeps the old world goin' forward on high and the birds that get overare only the chauffeurs. You gotta have both to run the car and theuniverse wouldn't move forward six inches if we didn't have one failurefor every success. So if you've failed to set the world on fire up to date, don't walk outon the dock to see what kind of a jump it is. If you can't be awinner, you can be a good loser and it's a toss-up which is the biggerthing! A guy who can beat the yellah streak we all pack somewheres, every time he fails to register a win, and will keep rememberin' thatto-morrow has got yesterday beat eighty-seven ways, is no loser! Onpaper he mightn't be a winner, but he _is_. He's a bigger winner thanthe bird that gets over, because he's whipped the quit in him withoutno kind applause to cheer him on. I've seen losers that attracted moreattention in runnin' _last_ than any six winners in the same precinct. Them kind of birds can't help tryin'. They couldn't quit if theywanted to, which they don't! They got somethin' in 'em that keepsshovin' 'em along whether they're regrettin' the breaks or not. They're always full of the old ambish no matter what the score is inthe ninth. They're what you might call self-starters in the automobileof life--they don't need a _win_ now and then to crank 'em up, theykeep goin' forward hittin' on all cylinders from the nursery to theembalmer! Alex was one of them guys. The Big Town fell for his stuff because it was _new_, the same as itwill fall for _yours_ to-morrow if you get somethin' it never seen andthe nerve to try it out! About a month after Alex was workin' as head salesman for the GaflooeyAuto Company at a pittance of ten thousand a year, he come up to theflat for dinner one night. I seen right away that somethin' was wrong, because he only eat about half of the roast duck and brung along hisown cigars. After nature could stand no more, and we had draggedourselves away from the table to let the servant girl make good, weadjourn to the parlor and the wife gets ready to punish the neighborswith the victrola. "Well, " says Alex, sittin' down in the only rocker, of course, "itlooks like they have finally gimme somethin' that even _I_ can't do!" "Can that be possible?" I says, pickin' up the sportin' final. "Wait till you hear this one!" remarks the wife, crankin' up thevictrola. "John McCormack singin' 'If Beauty Was Water, You'd BeNiagara Falls!' It's a knockout!" "Say!" snorts Alex, gettin' peeved. "Can't a man find no attentionhere?" "Look in the telephone book under the A's, " I says. "Never mind, dearie!" the wife tells him. "I'll listen. What's onyour mind?" She goes over and sits on the arm of his chair, knowin'full well it gets my goat. "I see you're the only one in this family that's got any sense!" pipesAlex, pattin' her hand. "Yen, " I says, "I ain't got enough sense to turn on a radiator. AllI'm good for is to get the dollars, which of course is nothin' at allin keepin' up the home!" "Well, you'll never have Rockefeller and that crowd gnashin' theirteeth with all the dollars you'll get!" says Alex, "and that ain't nolie!" "Now, boys, " butts in the wife, "let's all be friends even if we dobelong to the same family. What is it, Alex? Speak up like a man. " "Well, " he says, "the Gaflooey people has started to make tourin' carsand roadsters! What d'ye think of that?" "I'm simply dumfounded!" I says. "Has Congress heard about this?" "There you go again!" snorts Alex. "Always tryin' to ridiculeeverything I do. It's simply a case of sour grapes with you--jealousy, that's all!" "Sour grapes ain't jealousy, " I says. "Sour grapes is brandy. Go onwith your story, Alex. " "Don't mind him, " whispers the wife in his ear. "He'd laugh in church!" "Why not?" I says. "I ain't done no gigglin' since you and me firstwent there together. " "Will you let go?" she says. "Go on, Alex. " "Well, " he says, "they called me into the president's office to-day, and the former begins by tellin' me I'm the best salesman they everhad. " "He don't care what he says, does he?" I butts in. "I suppose youadmitted the charge, eh?" "After that, " goes on Alex, snubbin' me, "he tells me they have decidedto get into the pleasure car game, instead of just makin' trucks andthe like. Their first offerin' is gonna be one of them chummy, clover-leaf roadsters which will hold five people comfortably. " "If they're well acquainted!" I says. "Will you leave the boy alone?" asks the wife. "I never saw anybodylike you in my life!" "Don't I know it?" I says. "Otherwise, how would we ever of gotmarried?" "Now, " goes on Alex, "they want me to go up and see Runyon Q. Sampson, the well-to-do millionaire, and get him to buy the first car. You canimagine what a terrible good advertisement that will be for us if heshould buy it, can't you?" "It'll be O. K. Till he tries to ride in it, " I says, "and then thechances are you'll have to leave town and the Gaflooey people will befacin' a suit!" "There ain't another car on the market that can hold a match to theGaflooey!" hollers Alex, his goat prancin' madly about. "What's it made out of--celluloid?" I says. "You may think you're funny!" he tells me, "but that's nothin' more orless than ig'rance. Here I am wastin' valuable time tryin' to explainsomethin' to Cousin Alice and you keep interruptin' till a man don'tknow where he's at! Let's see now, where was I?" he asks the wife. "The beautiful and good-lookin' princess had just promised to wed you, "I says, "but the crusty old king couldn't see into it!" The wife throws a pillow at me and it busted a vase that cost me threehundred green certificates. After a short brawl over the remains, Ilaid off Alex and he went ahead. "As I said before, " he goes on, "the president of the Gaflooey Companyhas selected me to go up and sell old Sampson this here chummyroadster. If I land the order, which naturally enough I will, it meansI get made manager of the New York salesrooms. Then me and EveRossiter will prob'ly get married and--" "What?" squeals the wife. "Are you and Eve engaged? And she neversaid a word to me!" "How could she?" I says. "When he prob'ly had her doped?" "No, we ain't engaged, " says Alex. "I ain't even asked the girl willshe be mine yet. " "Then how do you know she'll marry you?" asks the wife. "Well, " says Alex, "I figure if you married this here pest, I ought tobe able to marry anybody! But what I'm up against is this--I got totake one of them roadsters up there to-day and demonstrate it toSampson. They have gone to work and made an appointment for me, andwhat I don't know about automobiles would fill seven large libraries. Here I'm supposed to show Mister Sampson the points on our car which isbetter than any other and I can't tell the windshield from the magneto. Now d'ye blame me for bein' worried?" "I thought you was the world's greatest salesman, " I sneers. "Youdon't mean to say this job has got you yellin' for the police already, do you? What are you gonna do, quit?" "Speak English!" he comes back. "That word quit don't belong in ourlanguage. Who said anything about quittin'? Even though I don't knowa thing about automobiles, I'm gonna sell Runyon Q. Sampson a Gaflooeychummy roadster. A feller don't need knowledge to be a success half asmuch as he needs confidence and I got more confidence than a fellershootin' at a barn with a double-barrelled shot gun. Anyhow, I'llbetcha a rich millionaire like Sampson don't know any too much aboutautomobiles himself, bein' too busy with makin' money and the like, eh?" "I suppose you're gonna make him think that you know more about themgas buckboards than the guy which wrote 'em, eh?" I says. "You'll never get nowhere!" he answers, lookin' at me like how can aguy live and be so thick behind the ears. "You'll never be nothin' butan average citizen, because you never get a new idea! No, I ain'tgonna make Sampson think _I_ know more about automobiles than anybodyin the world--that's what has queered many a sale. I'm gonna make himthink _he_ does, and that him buyin' our roadster proves it!" "I'll bet you could make Rockefeller think they wasn't a nickel inoil!" says the wife admirin'ly. Alex gets up and reaches for his hat. "If they was enough money in it for me, I'd try it, " he says, "and thatain't no lie!" I didn't see Alex till the next mornin' and then he blows in the flat. "Hello!" he says. "Here you are as usual, loafin' away the hullmornin'. It's almost eight o'clock, d'ye know that?" "Sure!" I says. "You can't get me on that one. The answer is sevenfifty-five!" "What d'ye mean, seven fifty-five?" he asks. "Ain't seven fifty-five almost eight o'clock, " I says, "and didn't youask me if I knew it?" "Ain't he clever?" says the wife, pattin' me on the back. Alex looks at me in open disgust. "If that's bein' clever, " he says, "I'm a professor from Harvard!Where d'ye get that stuff?" "It's a gift!" I says. "What are you doin' here this hour of the day?" "Hurry up and git through eatin', " he says, "I want you to take a ridewith me. " "What have you been pinched for?" I says. "Will you leave him be?" butts in the wife. "Don't mind him, Alex, he'll go with you. Where are you going?" "Up to Runyon Q. Sampson's to sell him a Gaflooey roadster, " says Alex. "I got the car right outside now. Just wait till you git a look at it, you'll be crazy to buy one yourself!" "You said it!" I tells him, puttin' on my coat. "I certainly would becrazy if I bought one of them! Who's gonna drive this up there?" "I got a mechanic from the shop, " says Alex. "A feller which knows somuch about automobiles that he could take a pair of pliers and a lugwrench and go clear to Frisco with nothin' else!" "Not even a car, eh?" I says. "_Some_ mechanic!" "Be still!" says the wife. "Well, Alex, I certainly hope you have allkinds of luck. Let me know how you make out, will you?" "Sure!" I tells her. "Call up police headquarters in about an hour andyou'll prob'ly be able to get all the details, right off the blotter. " We go outside and there's the Gaflooey chummy roadster leanin' right upagainst the curb. It looked like it might be a regular automobile whenit grew up, but just then it seemed like it had been snatched from thecradle before its features was fully formed. Two of them roadsterswould of made a nice pair of roller skates and the expense for tiresmust of been practically nothin', because the ones that was on itlooked like a set of washers. The body was painted yellah and thetrimmin's was in Alice blue and catsup red. In the front seat is this guy which Alex claimed was the world'sgreatest mechanic. You could see that at a glance anyhow, because hewas dressed in a pair of overalls that had lasted him ever since hefirst broke into the automobile game and he carried about three quartsof medium oil on his face and hands. "Well, " says Alex, throwin' out his chest, "what d'ye think old RunyonQ. Sampson will say when he casts his eye over that, eh?" "You'd only get sore if I told you, " I says, "but I'll say this much, Alex. If you can sell him that mechanical toy there on the pretensethat it's an automobile, I'm goin' up to-morrow and sell him Grant'sTomb for a paperweight!" "Git in, " pipes Alex, "and stop knockin'!" "I won't have to knock after we get started--that's if we do, " I tellshim, forcin' myself into the rear, "the motor will look after that!" Alex nudges the mechanic. "This here's my cousin, " he tells him. "He ain't a bad feller in spiteof that. " He turns around to me, "Joe, " he says, "I want you to meet Mister EddieWorth, the best man on gas engines that ever burnt his hands on anexhaust pipe!" "Greetin's, Eddie!" I says, shakin' hands with him and gettin' a halfpound of grease for nothin'. "Gimme a cigarette!" answers Eddie. "I been waitin' here an hour foryouse guys. The motor is prob'ly all cold now and the starter maygimme an argument. " He gets out and monkeys around the front of the car. "Ain't it nice and roomy back there?" Alex asks me. I moved my knees away from my chin so's I could talk. "Great!" I says. "Only the Gaflooey people is liable to get in troubleon account of them coppin' the design from somebody else. " "What d'ye mean?" he asks me, lookin' puzzled. "Well, " I tells him, "you gotta admit that the seatin' arrangementsback here is a dead steal from a can of sardines!" "Did you ever see anything you couldn't find fault with?" he sneers. "Yeh, " I says. "I once got three nickels in change for a dime. " At this critical moment, the mechanic gets down on his hands and kneesin the street and begins to worry the car like a dog with a bone. Thenall of a sudden he crawls underneath it and disappears from the publiceye. A lot of shippin' clerks, bookkeepers, salesgirls, brokers, lawyers and the like, on their way downtown to their jobs, figures thatyou can go to work any day, but an auto bein' fixed calls for immediateattention and gets around us in a circle. This seemed to get Alex'sgoat, but it was huckleberry pie to the mechanic. He crawls out fromunder, rolls up his sleeves, ruffles his hair, looks over the crowd andrubs his hands together. "Gimme a cigarette!" he says. "And reach down in that tool box thereand hand me up them pliers, a couple of S wrenches, the hammer and ascrewdriver!" The crowd sighs with delight, but Alex leaps off the seat like they wasbees in the upholstery. "What d'ye want all them there tools for?" he yells. "Stop this monkeybusiness, I'm an hour late now! What's the matter with the car?" The mechanic looks around at the crowd and shakes his head pityin'ly. They give Alex the laugh, and a manicure tells her friend that if shewas the mechanic she wouldn't bother with it, but would make Alex fixit himself for gettin' so bold. "What's the matter with the car?" repeats the mechanic, waggin' hishead from side to side with a sarcastic movement. "It's been abused, that's all! I ain't had time to go over it carefully; it'll have to betowed down to the shop where we can git it up on jacks and take itapart. I found a leak in the radiator, the bolts is missin' from themuffler, there's a crack in the rear housin' and the clutch seems togrind a bit. " Alex grits his teeth and grabs hold of the windshield. "Is that all?" he hisses. "Well, not _all_, no!" says the mechanic, scratchin' his chin. "Theymust be a couple of pins sheered off of the differential and the--" "They ain't no sich a thing!" roars Alex. "This here's a brand newcar, right from our factory--you wooden-headed fule! It ain't been runa mile and they ain't a thing the matter with it, not even a scratch onthe paint! You was sent up here to drive this car, not to wreck it. You--" "Hey, don't git to callin' me no wooden-headed fool!" hollers themechanic, jumpin' around and wavin' the pliers. "That's against theunion rules, and you'll get the worst of it if I bring it before theboard. They must be some mistake here. I thought you wanted me tolook over this boat for your friend here and see what it needed. How'dI know you only wanted me to drive? I ain't no mind-reader, I'm amechanic and--" "Shut up!" says Alex; "and drive us out to Tarrytown. As a matter offact, the car's all right, ain't it?" "Certainly!" says the mechanic. "Ain't it a new one? Gimme acigarette and I'll see if I can get this tin can here to roll. " It's just about eighteen miles as the pigeon soars from where westarted to Runyon Q. Sampson's country home at Tarrytown, and we fledup there in two hours. This car was a wonder on hills, that is it's awonder we got up 'em at all. We climbed most of 'em with the emergencybrake on so's we wouldn't slip back to the garage, and I figured thatthe car must of been painted yellah in honor of the motor, which quitlike a dog every time the goin' got rough. The mechanic drives us inthrough the entrance of Sampson's domicile, as we remark at the garage, and then stops for encouragement before goin' further. Alex elects meto go up and notify Sampson that we're all set to show him the Gaflooeychummy roadster, while he and the mechanic stays behind to look overthe car and see that everything is workin' fairly perfect. I got asfar as the porch and a guy in a drum-major's uneyform without the hatnails me. He was as big as the Woolworth Buildin' and just asemotional. He looked like what them stage butlers tries to. "What would you wish?" he asks, friendly as a traffic cop to ataxi-driver. "Well, if I thought they was any use, " I says, "I'd wish I had amillion bucks, but as it is, I'd like to see Runyon Q. Sampson, yourmaster. " "Step this way!" he says, startin' to walk ahead. "I can't step that way!" I says, watchin' him close. "It must be agift. I'll have to folley you in my own way on account of havin' ablowout in my rubber heels an--" Just then a little bald-headed guy with one of them short graymustaches which the wealthy banker wears in the movies, crosses ourpath and the big feller stops and salutes him. "Gentleman to see you, sir, " he says. "Hmph!" grunts Runyon Q. Sampson, which is who the little guy was, asthe gentle readers has prob'ly guessed. "I can't see any one now. Ihave an appointment this afternoon to--" "I guess I'm that appointment, " I butts in, "or part of it, anyways. Was you expectin' to look over a Gaflooey chummy roadster?" "Well, what of it?" he snaps. "My lord, the carriage awaits!" I says, makin' a bow. "Folley me andyou'll go motorin'!" "Are you the agent?" he asks, as we walk back over the lawn. "No, " I says, "I'm his cousin. He's carryin' me along for luck orsomethin'. We also have a mechanic with us in case of fire. Are youfond of automobilin'?" "Much more so than of conversation!" he barks. "That stops me!" I says. "I'm dumb from now on. What is it who's thissays? Silence is golden, speech is human--ain't it?" We have reached the car by this time, and Alex steps forward. "Good morning, Mister Sampson!" he says. "I want to thank you for thecompany and myself, for volunteering your judgment as to whether ournew model chummy roadster is a good car or not. " Sampson walks around it a couple of times, opens the hood, looks at themotor and sniffs. "It's entirely too small!" he announces. "The body is grotesque, thepaint is a horrible color and the chassis seems out of alignment. " "Exactly what I thought you would say!" agrees Alex, noddin' his headlike Sampson had raved over the car. "We will make any changes yousuggest. After all, you'll be the one to use it and that makes you theone to be pleased. We have custom made suits, shoes and shirts--whynot custom made automobiles?" "Hmph!" grunts Sampson. "I'll fall, " I says, hopin' to break the embarrassin' silence. "Whynot?" "Shut up!" hisses Alex. "Would you allow us to give you a littlespin?" he asks. "Ha, ha!" pipes the mechanic all of a sudden. "That's a hot one, ain'tit?" he grins at Sampson. "Sure, old top, we'll give you a spin!" hesays, jabbin' the floor board with his feet. "That's if this boilerwill roll. Some of you guys will have to give the motor a little spin, if you want to go away from here. She's gone cold on me again! Gimmea cigarette, will you?" Alex presented him with a glance that would of froze boilin' oil. "Step right in, Mister Sampson, " he says. "We'll run around the roadshere and--" "We'll do nothing of the sort!" snaps Sampson. "I've got to be at myoffice by three o'clock and you can drive me down there. In that wayI'll be wasting no time and I can see what your car can do throughtraffic as well as on the road. " "Elegant!" says Alex. "Step right in. " Runyon Q. Sampson steps right in and after gettin' a cigarette from me, the mechanic steps on the gas. We run every bit of a hundred yardsacross the lawn and then all of a sudden the Gaflooey roadster stopsdeader than Columbus. The mechanic tried everything from blowin' thehorn to crawlin' underneath it again, but they was nothin' stirrin'. "Well, " he says to Alex, finally, "there's only one way we can get awayfrom here now!" "What's that?" asks Alex, bendin' down so's Runyon Q. Sampson won'thear it. "By freight!" says the mechanic. "It seems to me that one of them rearaxles has gone to work and busted on us. " "Listen to me, " says Alex. "Get us away from here right away andthere's ten dollars extry in it for you!" "Now you're talkin' sense!" says the mechanic. "Gimme a cigarette. " He grabs up the tool box and hides himself under the car again, whileRunyon Q. Sampson begins to fidget around and look at his watch like itwas the first one he ever seen. Twenty minutes passed, folleyed by thirty more, and still this mechanicis under the car, makin' sounds like he was fillin' a rush order fortin pans. Alex is as nervous as a cop makin' his first pinch and ourfriend Sampson begins sayin' things about the Gaflooey roadster thatwould never of been used by the builders as testimonials. Finally, Alex whispers to me will I get underneath and see what the world'schampion auto mechanic is doin' to while away the time. I got out and looked under and--Oh, boy! This bird is layin' on the ground under the car, readin' a dope book onthe races! He's got the book in one hand and a hammer in the other andevery now and then he reaches back and wallops the dirt pan, withoutlookin', so's it'll sound like he's fixin' things up. "What seems to be the trouble?" I asks him. "I think Dimpled Dan is like money from home in the first race to-day, "he says, "provided they--what--what are you doin' here?" he winds up, droppin' the book. "Git outa there!" I hollers. "If you're a mechanic, I'm ChristopherColumbus!" "What d'ye expect for seventy cents an hour--Edison?" he growls. Runyon Q. Sampson has took it all in and now he lets out a beller andleaps from the car. "You infernal idiot!" he bawls at poor Alex. "You've made me miss myappointment. What do you mean by taking up my time with this travestyon an automobile? Why, the thing can't even move! If this is the wayit performs when it's fresh from your factory, what can a man expectwhen it's a few weeks old?" "Maybe it ain't ripe enough yet, " I butts in, hopin' to save thesituation. "It does look kinda young, don't it?" "Silence!" roars Runyon Q. "I wouldn't buy one of your cars if theywere selling at three cents a carload! That's final! Don't you darecome up and bother me again. Get this pile of junk off my place herejust as fast as you can, or, by the eternal, I'll have you all arrestedfor trespassing!" With them few remarks he stamps off across the lawn, bellerin' like abull. "Well, Alex, " I says, "at last you have hit somethin' in little old NewYork that you can't do, eh?" "That old boob gimme a pain anyways!" remarks the mechanic. "What doeshe know about machinery? Gimme a cigarette!" Alex sits down on the runnin' board of the Gaflooey chummy roadster andlights a cigar. He puffs away, lookin' off in the air kinda sad andmournful, like he had just been handed a wire readin', "Father has toldall. We are lost. --Agnes, " or somethin' to that effect. Even thoughhe was a relative of the wife's and had spent every minute since he hitNew York confessin' to bein' a world beater, I felt sorry for him!Runyon Q. Sampson was off the Gaflooey people for life, and Alex hadfell down on the biggest thing he'd tried yet. I knew how he must offelt about it, so I went over and slapped him on the back. "Cheer up, Alex, " I says. "I know that was a tough one to lose, but aguy can't finish in front all the time! You know you ain't up in dearold Vermont now and this town's much harder to beat than the average. I told you that when you first come here. I knowed it was only aquestion of time before you'd hit the bumps--everybody does sooner orlater in New York--and then you--" Alex gets up and throws away the cigar. "All I hope, " he says. "All I hope is that the one they deliver to himworks all right!" "Deliver to who?" I says. "Runyon Q. Sampson!" he comes back. "I come up here to sell thatfeller a Gaflooey chummy roadster and that's what I'm a goin' to dew!I'll have his check before the end of the week. I don't know how I'mgonna do it now, but in some way this here sale is gonna occur, you cangamble on that! D'ye think a little thing like this can discourage me?Why if the car had exploded and blowed us all up in the air while wewas sittin' in it, I would of sold Sampson the speedometer for a watchbefore we had hit the ground again!" He turns around on the mechanicand rolls up his sleeves. "The faster you git away from here, thelonger you'll live!" he snarls. "What art was you follerin' before youtook up automobiles?" "Well, to be on the level with you, " says the mechanic, "I was secondman in a cigar store on Twenty-third Street. I got fired because meand the cash register could never agree on the day's receipts. I seenan ad for a mechanic at the Gaflooey service station and I got took onthere as a helper. A feller has got to do something don't he? Gimme acigarette. " Alex makes a dash for him, but I hold him back. "Fade!" I warns him. "You're gettin' away with murder as it is, and ifI let this bird go they's no tellin' what'll happen to you!" "What do I get for my mornin's work, heh?" he hollers. "You're gettin' immunity!" I says. "Beat it!" "All right!" he snarls. "I oughta knowed I'd only get the worst of itgoin' out on a job with a coupla boobs like you guys. This fellerclaims he's a salesman, hey? Well, I'll lay the world eight to five hecouldn't sell ice cream sodas in Hades! Gimme a ciga--" Alex throws the tool box at him, and he blows. While we're standin' there tryin' to figure out some way to get thischummy roadster to make good, a guy steps out from behind a hedge andjoins our little party. He had just about passed the votin' age and hewore a raincoat with one of them cute little belts around it, adare-devil soft hat and carried a suitcase. His feet dragged like theywasn't used to such heavy exercise as walkin' and he steps in front ofus with a cigarette droopin' outa the corner of his mouth. "Pardon me, " he yawns. "Are you having some difficulty with the car?" "Oh, fluently!" I says. "You must be a fortune teller. Somedifficulty is right! We been attemptin' to get away from here allmornin' and it's the same as makin' the Russians think the Czar was agood feller--there's nothin' doin'. I don't think the motor is tryin'and--" He sets down the suitcase and yawns some more. "I know something about autos, " he says. "Have a couple of my own andoccasionally I have to fuss around 'em a bit. Do you mind if I look atthe motor?" "We'd just love it!" I says. "Go to it. " He opens the hood, yawns a coupla times and monkeys around for a minute. "Try her now, " he says. Alex gets in and pushes a button with his foot. I don't know what this handsome stranger did, but whatever else it was, it was a success, because the motor immediately begins to tear holes inthe peace and quiet of the surroundin' country. "She'll be all right as soon as she warms up now, " says our savior. "The gas was disconnected--coupling jolted off evidently--and one ofthe cylinders was missing. Must have given you trouble on hills, what?" he yawns some more. "Nice little bus, " he says, "and, now, Iwonder if you'd do a favor for me?" "I only got four bucks on me, " I says, "but you're welcome to that ifyou can use it. " He grins. "It isn't money, " he says. "It's something more important than that. " "Fudge!" says Alex. "There ain't no sich thing in this town!" "Yes there is!" says the newcomer, steppin' back to a hedge, "and hereit is!" With that, out steps the Venus de Milo wearin' both arms and a set ofscenery that must of enabled some Fifth Avenue store to move over toEasy Street. She looked like what the press agents claim is in thechorus of every musical comedy that hits Broadway and she's wearin'enough diamonds to have keep the Alleys in tooth powder. After I hadgot over bein' dazzled by the first look, I give her the East and Westagain and recognize her. She's nothin' less than Margot Meringue, thebig movie star. "I'm Arnold Sampson, " says the young feller, "and this is Mrs. ArnoldSampson. My wife was formerly--" "I know, " I butts in, "I seen her the week before last with the missusin Marvelous Margot's Mistake. She was vampirin' around and--" "How did you like me?" smiles Margot. "Well, " I says, "we seen the pitcher three times runnin'--is that goodenough?" "We have just been married, " goes on Arnold, throwin' out what chest hehad with him. "Congratulations!" pipes Alex, shakin' his hand. "Pretty soft!" I says, doin' the same. "I saw you and father in the car here, " explains Arnold, "and as youappear to be friends of his, I wonder if you'd come up to the housewith us? Father is less liable to make a scene, if there is some oneelse present. You see, he doesn't know that we're married as yet. " Alex suddenly looks interested and nudges me to keep quiet. "I can see the whole thing in a nutshell, " he says. "Your fatherobjects to you--oh--now--marryin' an actress, heh?" "No, " yawns Arnold. "In this case the traditional is reversed. Myfather objects to the actress marrying me!" he bows to Margot. "He ispersonally quite fond of my wife and his objection is based solely uponhis own unflattering opinion of me. He declares I'll never be able tosupport Mrs. Sampson in the manner she is accustomed to living, as herincome is something like fifty thousand a year. Father allows me abare five thousand and he refuses to increase it until I go to work inhis office, or something equally as silly. Can you imagine anythingmore idiotic than that? Dad is worth millions and he expects me towork!" "What an inhuman parent!" says Alex. "What have you got against work?" "My dear fellow, " says Arnold, "I don't really know. I don't seem ableto get enthusiastic about it--that's all. I wouldn't mind going downto Dad's office and toying with an adding machine or driving nails inpacking cases, but I'm sure I'd fall asleep on the job, or somethingidiotic like that! You might say I lack the urge, " he yawns and grins. "I guess I wasn't built to hustle. I haven't got the pep, as we usedto say at--" "Listen!" butts in Alex, his eyes beginnin' to glitter. "You was builtthe same as anybody else, only thinner. I know what's the matter withyou--c'mere, I'll show you!" He takes Arnold by the arm and leads himover to the Gaflooey chummy roadster. "D'ye see that automobilethere?" he says. "Look at it. What is it--nothin' but a pile of metaland wood! It can't talk, it can't think--but it's got a little buttondown there in the dash and when you push it, that car will keep onrunnin' till the gasoline gives out or it hits a tree! That button'scalled a self-commencer and that's what you need! Ain't there nobuttons up in your head that you can push and get yourself goin'? Isthat pile of metal better than you? You can go down now and take a jobwhere you won't get your hands dirty, but if your Dad hadn't been aself-starter fifty years ago, _you'd_ be callin' a Wop foreman 'Boss'to-day and likin' it!" Arnold stops yawnin' and looks interested, where he don't look mad. Margot nods her head and puts her hand on his arm. "Arnold dear, " she says, "he's right! It's time you did try to dosomething, especially now. I don't want to lecture you, dear, but--" "I don't know whether he's right or not, " says Arnold, "but I do knowthat extraordinary speech of his has me thinking. Also, it soundedgreat to me and there's no reason why it shouldn't sound just as greatto Dad! He loves that sort of thing and I'm going up and repeat it, word for word! I'm going to tell him we're married and that I'll startto work for him whenever he likes. I can try it, anyhow!" Margot looks at Alex like she would kiss him if it wasn't for the looksof the thing, and Alex whispers in my ear that the Gaflooey roadster isas good as sold. We all got in it--it was runnin' like a watchnow--and roll up to the house. The newly-weds goes inside, while meand Alex stays out on the porch, and in about half an hour they comeout again, bringin' old Runyon Q. Sampson with 'em. The old gent walksover to Alex and holds out his hand. "My boy, " he says, "I want to thank you for what you've done to thiscub of mine. I don't know what you told him, but he's a differentperson from the time I saw him last. He sounds like a real man, now!I'm going to do something for you in return. I won't buy one of theseinfernal cars of yours, wouldn't have it for a gift! But, if you'lltell me what your commission on the sale would have amounted to, I'llwrite you a check for that figure. " Margot looks at Alex, and then she looks at the car. "Why, I think its a perfect dear!" she says, "and those colors realharmony itself!" Alex bounces forward, his eyes glitterin' again. "We were thinkin' of callin' this model the Margot Meringue, " he says, "and--" "Come, come!" interrupts old Runyon Q. , "let's straighten this matterup. " He takes out his check book and fountain pen. "I want to takeyou children down to Tiffany's and have Margot pick out a suitablewedding gift. We have--" "May I have anything I want?" asks Margot, kinda innocent. "Of course you can!" beams the old boy, pinchin' her cheek. "Then buy me a Gaflooey chummy roadster!" she says. "I think this oneis a perfect love of a car!" Oh, boy! Alex tries to look unconcerned, but he couldn't help droppin' his hat. The old man coughs and gets red in the face, but he was game. "All right!" he snorts at Alex. "You win. You can say you're the onlyman that ever got the best of Runyon Q. Sampson! What's the amount?" I went into the office of the Gaflooey Company with Alex when he wentback and the president is waitin' for him with blood in his eye. "You needn't begin your excuses!" he says to Alex. "The mechanic hastold me how you made a mess of everything and Sampson refused to buythe car. I didn't think they made any ten-thousand-a-year-men up inVermont when I hired you, but I took a chance. New York's too big foryou fellows; I guess you were only a flash in the pan! Just think whatit would have meant had you sold the car to old Sampson! Why, theadvertising alone would--" "I guess you're right about me bein' a flash in the pan, " butts inAlex, "but I found another pan! I don't know whether this is any goodfor advertisin' or not, but I sold that chummy roadster to Sampson andhe has give it to his daughter-in-law for a weddin' gift. " The president jumps from his chair, very light for a man of his heft. "Great!" he hollers, "great!" He looks at Sampson's check which Alexhands over. "I knew you'd do it! I saw you had the stuff in you theminute you first walked in this office. That's the place to get firststring men--right from the country, and Vermont has furnished more thanher share. They told me you'd fall down because New York was too bigfor you, but I knew different. They can't fool me when it comes tojudging men! I'll get our advertising men right to work on this copy, and we'll hit the morning papers with it. This is great! Now ifSampson's daughter-in-law was only in the public eye, know what I mean, this would be wonderful! We've had a man after Margot Meringue for amonth, but she's away somewhere. You probably won't know her; she's abig movie star and we'd _give_ her a car if she'd only endorse it. Why, if we landed her--" "That's who Sampson give the car to, " says Alex. "His son and her justgot wed and he give her the Gaflooey roadster for a weddin' gift. Howabout that New York manager job--do I get it?" "Do you get it!" shrieks the president. "Why, say--you're _it_, rightnow!" "That's fine!" says Alex. "I'll take the job the day after to-morrow!" "I see!" says the president, breakin' his neck tryin' to make himself agood fellah. "You want a day off after your labors, eh?" "No!" says Alex, "I got to go out and see Sampson again to-morrow, because havin' give this roadster to his daughter-in-law, naturallyhe'll need one for hisself now!" CHAPTER III PLAY YOUR ACE! This here combination that opens the door to success is a funnything--everybody's lookin' for it and everybody's got it! Some guysknows just where to put their hands on it when they get the big chanceto crack the safe of fame and as a result they become boss bankers orboss bricklayers--either of which is a trick and hard to do. Otherguys forget the first three numbers or somethin' and never get betterthan John Smiths in the telephone book of life. It takes speed to get a baseball from the pitcher to the catcher, butit's _control_ that puts the pill over the plate, which may be theanswer to why John D. Rockefeller ain't payin' _you_ rent and you gotyour first time to be elected president of anything, from the dear oldU. S. A. To the Red Carnation Social Club. Instead of sittin' aroundknockin' winners every time the papers print a new one, give yourselfthe once over and see if you can find out what _your_ trick is. Youmay only be able to wiggle your left ear funnier than anybody on theblock--Great! _Cash on it_! It's a cinch you can do _somethin', _ andonce you find out what that somethin' is, the rest is as easy asfallin' off Pike's Peak! No--easier! Because you gotta climb Pike's Peak before you can falloff. You may be a guy like Hector Sells, which started life with astraight flush, and played it like it was a pair of deuces. Ifsomebody hadn't peeped over his shoulder, seen what he held and playedit for him, Hector would still be thinkin' that the only guy in theworld drawin' over twenty bucks a week was J. P. Morgan. As it is, Hector has $2. 75 right now for every wave in the ocean, and when you goto see him, you become acquainted with all the office boys in the world. Here's the answer. One night after dinner the wife and I are provin' to each other thatthe road of true love is rough and full of detours, when they's a ringat the bell. We practised self-denial and laid off scrappin' longenough for friend wife to open the door. I made a bet with myself andwin easy. In comes Alex. "Huh!" he says. "Is they an argument goin' on here again?" "You said it!" I tells him. "Come on in, you're just in time. We'llmake it three-handed!" "I don't know why you got married when you're always quarrelin', " hesays, sittin' down. "That ain't all you don't know!" I says. "Kindly lay off my cousin, " says the wife. "They ain't no use inshowin' the world that I have married a brute!" With that she presses four dollars' worth of Irish lace against hereyes and develops a cold in the head. So the same as usual, I wentover and patted her on the shoulder which was shakin' the most. "You win, honey!" I says, with a dollar's worth of vaseline on everyword. "I'll never speak another harsh word to you or Alex again. Thenext time I feel sarcastic, I'll go out in the kitchen and have somewords with the cat. Everybody in the apartment house knows what Ithink of _you_, and I must be _wild_ over Alex or he'd never be in thisflat a second time. If--" "Never mind the salve!" cuts in the wife. "You'd talk your way out ofpneumonia!" But they was a smile went with that--the same giggle that used to make'em fight for standin' room in the Winter Garden. So we was all happyand carefree again, with the exception of Alex. "You're too easy with him!" he growls to the wife, disappointed becausepeace had come. "If you'd punish him, he'd be a better husband. " "She does punish me somethin' cruel!" I says. "By invitin' _you_ upevery day!" And then of course all bets was off and we all went over the top again! In about an hour, the people in the next flat had enough, and mentionedthe fact to the landlord. He let us in on it by way of the phone, andall was quiet along the Hudson again. "I come up here to-night to tell you somethin', " says Alex. "They's always the United States mail, " I says. "I ain't talkin' to you, I'm speakin' to Cousin Alice!" snarls Alex. "She can read too!" I says. "I been thinkin' this here thing over for weeks, " he goes on, turnin'his chair so's I can get a good view of his back, "and I made up mymind to-day to go ahead with it. " "What is it, Alex?" asks the wife, all excited. "I know it's goin' tobe somethin' wonderful!" "You ain't gonna tell me you're gonna stop eatin' here, are you?" Isays. "Because if you are, I'm gonna beat it! I heard tell of guysdyin' of joy and I ain't takin' no chances!" "The whole trouble with you, " says Alex, "is a simple case of jealousy. You was born and brung up in this rube burg called New York and thebest you could do in thirty-five years was to get yourself foreman of abaseball team! I--" "Yeh!" I butts in. "I fell down the same as Caruso. All he can do issing!" "I come here from Vermont, " goes on Alex, now on his favorite subject, "and right off the reel I get me a ten thousand a year job, notcountin' commissions, sellin' autos. Now I claim that what _I_ did inNew York can be done by anybody--and I'm here to prove it! It's justas easy to be a roarin' success in New York as it is in Paterson, N. J. --and just as hard! There's many a Charlie Chaplin sellin' groceriesand many a Theodore Roosevelt carryin' bricks! In their off hours andin the privacy of their homes, them fellers is doin' for _nothin'_, what Chaplin, Roosevelt, Dempsey and so forth got _paid off_ on! If aman's a gambler, for instance, and he bets on a race horse, the chancesare he stays up all night lookin' up the past performances of thathorse and seein' just what he can do under all conditions. He studieshow the horse finished on a muddy track and where he come in when thetrack was fast. He makes note of what the horse did under differentweights and different jockeys. He watches what it does against certainother horses. Then when he thinks everything is favorable, he bets hismoney! He--" "Look here, Alex!" I butts in. "Did you come all the way up hereto-night to lay me on a horse race?" "No!" he snorts, in disgust, "I come up here to lay you on _yourself_!If this same man that studies the dope before he bets on a horse, wouldstudy the dope on _himself_ with the same attention to detail, beforehe enters the handicap of life--he'd be a winner! He wouldn't have tobet on no horses or nothin' else, because he'd be his own best bet!He'd find out what his particular ace was and play it to the limitevery time! Instead of that, the average feller spends his timesittin' in the greatest game in the world--life--drawin' five cardsevery time and waitin' for the royal flush to be dealt him pat. He--" "My goodness, Alex!" remarks the wife, "I didn't know you was agambler. Where did you learn all those poker terms?" "He once claimed casino was vicious, too!" I says. Alex gets up and reaches for his hat. "There ain't no use talkin' to people which has checked their brainswith the hat boy!" he says. "But before I go, I wanna tell you this. Every man has got the key to his own success buried in him somewhere, and I'll bet I can take the champion dub of any given precinct and makehim a winner the minute I find out where he hid _his_!" "Let's go to the movies, instead of fightin' like cats and dogs, "remarks the wife, puttin' on her handbag. "Yes!" sneers Alex, "let's go to the movies and knock the leadin' manbecause he's gettin' $30, 000 a year, and let's explain to each otherhow he's gettin' away with murder and ain't got a thing but his looks. That's much better than sittin' down and figurin' how we can make thesame amount of money, if we--" "Look here, Alex!" I interrupts, gettin' a trifle peeved. "You took mefor eight hundred berries when you first invaded New York and, suckerlike, I'm lookin' for a come-back. Are you on the level with thatstuff about you bein' able to put _anybody_ over if you get in theircorner?" "Am I on the level with it?" he says. "Why, say!--I'm goin' in the_business_ of makin' successes outa dubs! I'm gonna take 'em one byone, put 'em over and charge a reasonable percentage for my work. I'msick and tired of the automobile game and I'm gonna incorporate myselfas Alex Hanley, S. D. " "What's the S. D. For?" I asks. "South Dakota?" "No--Success Developer!" he says. "I ain't selfish--I put myself overand now I'm gonna put 'em _all_ over! At the same time, as I say, I'llcharge a reasonable sum for my work. Why this is bigger business thanWall Street, makin' men instead of breakin' 'em and--" "Stop talkin' for a second, Alex, " I says, "and get a new sensation! Igot an idea of what that reasonable charge of yours will be, that'sprovided your scheme works, which it prob'ly won't. If you cause a guyto make himself twenty dollars, your fee won't exceed a hundred andfifty! You're as liberal with money as Grant's Tomb is with advice. But if you're on the level with this, I'll bet you a thousand bucks, American money, to five hundred of the same coinage, that you'll floplike a seal on your first try. They's only one thing you gotta do!" "What is it?" he asks. He was thinkin' of them thousand bucks and hiseyes sparkled till you could of hocked 'em anywheres for five hundredapiece. "You gotta let _me_ pick the first victim!" I says. "Not to change the subject, " remarks the wife to me, "if you got athousand dollars for purposes of bettin', they's a ring in Tiffany'swindow which will come here to-morrow escorted by a C. O. D. Bill. Theprice and one thousand dollars is the same. " "Do you think I print this money myself?" I hollers. "I would of married you long ago if I did!" she says, smilin' sweetly. "Think of a man mean enough to argue about money with his lovin' wife!"sneers Alex. "If _you_ was married, " I says, "your wife would think they had stoppedthe circulation of all money, with the exception of nickels!" "Ha! Ha!" he sneers, like a movie villain. "I just give Eve Rossiteran engagement ring that can be _pawned_ for eight hundred men!" "I think you're four flushin', " I hollers, gettin' warmed up, "but youcan't hang nothin' on me! You go down to Tiffany's, honey, " I tellsthe wife, "and get that thousand buck ring--but put up a battle for itat $750!" The wife pulls her million-dollar smile and gimme a chaste salute, asthe guy says, on the forehead. Then she opens her sea-goin' handbagand takes somethin' out. "Here it is, dear!" she says, with the giggle that made me a marriedman, "I knowed you'd fall, so I got it this morning! It was only $987. Ain't I the great little buyer?" Oh, boy! "Well, " I says to Alex, "it seems to be the open season for takin' me. Does that bet go?" "It does!" he says, rubbin' his hands together like a crap shooter. "And I produce the first candidate for fame and fortune?" "Bring him on!" he grins, winkin' at the wife--a thing he knows Iloathe. We shook hands on it and I went out into the kitchen to laugh it overwith the cat. I'm a soft-hearted boob and I hate to take a sucker, atthat. But accordin' to my dope, that dough of friend Alex's was thesame as in the bank in my name! Now the bird I had in mind to make me win this bet from Alex was apitcher I had on the payroll who's name was Hector Sells. He would ofbeen just as rotten a ball player if his name had been First Base, Center Field or Short Stop. He could do everything in the world with abaseball, with the slight exception of gettin' it over the plate, and, when he pitched, his main difficulty was keepin' the pill outa leftfield. In the seven years he had been stealin' wages from my club histwirlin' percentage read like the thermometer in Alaska and when hecome to bat, as far as he ever found out, first base was in Berlin. Iput him on the third base coachin' line one afternoon and he tries tosend a runner back to second when the batter triples. I tried this guyout at every position on the team and he made so many errors that theofficial scorers went out and bought addin' machines every time heappeared in the line-up. If they was anything on earth connected withthe game of baseball that Hector could do, he never showed it to me, and puttin' a uneyform on him was the same as givin' a blind man a pairof opera glasses. Yet with all this, that guy thought he was the greatest baseball playerthat ever laid hold of a glove. He not only thought it, he _conceded_it. For the past year, Hector had played out the schedule from the dugout, with the exception of six games he pitched against the Athletics. Helost an even six. I sent him to every flag station in North Americawhere they looked on baseball as a game, and Hector would come back atthe end of the season with his suit case jammed full of unconditionalreleases. Him and pneumonia was just as easy to get rid of as far as Iwas concerned and we started off every season with Hector in our midst. Three winters in succession I loaned that guy enough dough to sethimself up in business, so's he'd lay off me and watch the pastime fromthe grandstand. He lost a cigar store shootin' craps, a pool roombettin' with the customers and a delicatessen because he eat all thestock himself. I got him a job on the road sellin' sportin' goods, andthe only thing he sold all year was a pitcher's glove at $1. 25. Hebought that himself. Now the thing is--why did I keep a guy like that on my club for thelengthy space of seven years? The newspaper birds claimed Hector hadseen me murder somebody or somethin', because they says I wouldn't lethim in a ball park with a ticket, if he didn't have _somethin'_ on methat must be kept from the world at any price. Well, it wasn't nothin'like that--but it was somethin' just as good, as the grocer says. Meand Hector was kids together in the same ward, and when we started outto dumfound the world, he had a bankroll which his beloved father lefthim and I had nothin' but freckles. I practically lived off that guytill me and real money became well acquainted, so I couldn't see himget the worst of it now. It would of broke his heart if he ever gotshoved outa organized baseball--he was a maniac about the game! SoHector drawed his dough every season, come what may--and at that I wasdoin' no more than he did for me. I managed to keep him busy in some way about the park--always with auneyform on--and now and then I let him pitch an innin' when we had thegame locked away in the safe deposit vault. In all the seven years, henever missed a single day showin' up at the park and he was therottenest ball player that ever stood under a shower. Them wasHector's two records! Well, I dragged Alex out to the ball park the next day and pointed outHector to him. We was playin' St. Looey and along around the sixthinnin' we had the game sewed up so tight that they couldn't of won itin a raffle. I took out Harmon and sent Hector in to pitch. "Gaze over this bird carefully, Alex!" I says, "because he's the babyyou're gonna pay off on! I claim you are now peerin' at the championdub of the world. If you can make a winner outa him or discover whathe has failed to develop that would make him one, I'll not only pay myend of our bet with a grin, but I'll throw in a weddin' chest of silverfor you and Eve Rossiter!" "Write that down!" says Alex; "and sign your full name to it!" "You don't think I'd welsh on you, do you?" I says, gettin' sore. "I don't know if they's enough ink in this or not, " he answers, handin'me a fountain pen. "Write it on the back of this card. " When the crowd sees Hector strollin' out to the box, they give him hisusual reception, which was the same as the Kaiser would have got ifhe'd walked down Broadway along in April, 1917. The first guy up forSt. Looey hit a roller through the box and Hector stood on his leftshoulder tryin' to pick it up. The runner only got as far as secondbefore Hector arose. The next guy put a neat round hole in the rightfield fence, makin' it two runs. Well, before it was three out theyhad got four more and the only guy connected with the St. Looey teamthat didn't get a hit was the owner. They only quit slammin' the pillbecause they had batted themselves sick and could no longer stagger upto the plate. Hector comes to bat in the next innin' with the bases as full as aminer on pay night. He lets two go by, right in the slot, and he felldown skinnin' his nose, swingin' at the next for the third and laststrike. I removed him by hand and sent in a ball player to pitch the rest ofthe game. "Well, Alex, " I says on the way home, "what do you think of yourpatient?" "Is he as bad as that every day?" he asks me. "No, " I says. "He was Ty Cobb and Walter Johnson to-day, alongside ofwhat he usually is!" "Hmmph!" grunts Alex. "I can see he ain't a ball player, anyway. " "You been readin' 'Sherlock Holmes, '" I says. "Baseball ain't everything!" declares Alex, rubbin' his nose. "And thepoint we have to consider is--what _can_ he do?" "That's easy!" I says. "How much is seven from seven?" "Why--nothin', " says Alex. "That's Hector!" I says. With that I told him Hector's pedigree from the time he crossed my pathwhen an infant, to date. I left out nothin' and laid it on good andthick. I explained how Hector had been the world's most consistentfailure from the time he had been introduced as "It's a boy!" up to thetime of writin' and when I got all through, Alex grins like a wolf. "A most promisin' case!" he says. "This here's somethin' that's gonnaput me on my mettle, right at the start. The tougher a thing looks, the more appetizin' it strikes me! Now I'll take it for granted thatthis man's got no _strong_ points. All right--that's nothin' but adetail! You've told me a lot of hard things about him, but you ain'tsaid he ain't human--and if he's human he's got a _weakness_! Awell-developed weakness in a man has often been turned into glitterin'gold. Does he drink?" "Let's save time, " I says. "Hector don't know whether whiskey and beeris drinks, or the battery for to-day's game. He couldn't tell youoffhand whether tobacco was a thing to chew and smoke or the latest foxtrot. The only woman he ever met twice was his mother, and he thinkssayin' 'Darnation!' in earnest is the same as homocide. His only loveis baseball and his only weakness is his stomach!" "Aha!" says Alex. "I knew we'd get at it! He's fond of food, eh?" "Fond of it?" I says. "Why, this guy can do more things with a steakthan Edison can do with a pint of electricity! He took me to a dinnerhe cooked himself one night and the only thing I recognized on thetable was the water. Everything was fixed up after his own recipes andat the drop of a hat he can tell you how many of them calories andproteins they is in a pea!" "That's enough!" hollers Alex. "He's as good as over right now! Hesimply picked the wrong trade when he took up baseball, and I'll gethim a job as chef in one of the famous hotels so--" "Don't make me laugh!" I cuts him off. "Would I of bet you, if it wasas easy as that? They ain't a chance on earth--I thought of that yearsago. Hector wouldn't boil water for money--he only cooks that stuff upfor himself. He--" "A true artist, eh?" says Alex, kinda thoughtful. "That makes it allthe better! Bring him up for dinner to-morrow night and let me studyhim. In a week I'll collect that little bet from you and then I'll beready to take on the next case. " "You certainly stand well with yourself, don't you?" I sneers. "Well, lemme give you a little tip. Don't try to get that bird to give upbaseball, because they ain't a Chinaman's chance of that! The onlychance you got is to put him over as a ball player, and if _you_ can do_that_, I can sell electric fans to the Esquimaux!" "Bring him up to-morrow night, " says Alex, grinnin' like a wolf. "Thislooks like a cinch to me!" I went to Hector in the clubhouse the next afternoon. He had had ahard day playin' the White Sox--from the bench. "Where are you goin' to-night?" I asks him. He flushes up a bit. "Well, Mac, " he says, "I have finally found a joint where they know howto cook 'em without abusin' 'em and I was figurin' on goin' therefirst, so--" "Cook what?" I butts in. "Alligator pears!" he says. "Y'know they is a lot of nourishment inthem babies when they're properly prepared and--" "You'll be around at that beanery _to-morrow_ night!" I shuts him off. "To-night you're comin' up and have dinner with me. " He gets one shade redder. "Why, " he stammers, "Ahumph! That--er--that's terrible fine of you, Mac, but on the level, I--y'know this place is the only one in New Yorkwhere they can cook them things and I'm a hound after them! I--" "Come on!" I says. "We're gonna give the subway a play. The wife'sexpectin' you and I got a friend that's crazy to meet you. Are yougonna throw me down?" He backs away and ruffles his hair. "Mac, " he says, "I'll have dinner with you to-night on one condition!" "Shoot!" I says. "Well, Mac, " he tells me, "they ain't no doubt in my mind that yourwife is some cook, but if I'm gonna eat this stuff--I--well, I demandthe privilege of cookin' it!" "Where d'ye get that stuff?" I says. "Why--" "Lemme do this, Mac, " he says, "and you'll never regret it. I can hangit on any chef in New York for money and you'll eat the greatest mealyou ever got outside of in your life!" Well, this was new stuff to me, but I figured I was gonna get fivehundred bucks outa it by way of Alex, so I fell. "All right!" I says. "Come up and cook your head off. I'm game! Butif you're as good a cook as you are a ball player, I can see where meand the wife suspends friendly relations for about a year!" Alex is already on hand when we get to the house and I introduced himto Hector. "Howdy!" he says. "I seen you pitch the other day and I must say itwas a treat! The support they give you was brutal or you'd of shutthem other fellers out with ease. " "You know it!" says Hector. "If they's any one thing I can do, it'splay baseball. That's my dish!" The wife horns in. "I'm so glad to meet you, Mister Sells, " she says, givin' Hector theold oil. "My husband talks of nothin' but you night and day!" Which was true--only not the way she meant it. "That's fine!" says Hector. "Me and Mac has been friends since theyburnt Rome. Where's the kitchen?" I showed him, and the wife shakes her head as much as to say, "Anotherrummy, eh?" I steered Hector over to the ice box and told him to goahead and run wild. When I come out, Alex is featurin' his famousgrin, and I gotta show the wife my breath. In about ten minutes thekitchen door opens and Hector's head pops out. His hands is full offlour and so's his suit for that matter, but his face is all lit uplike Coney Island. "I don't wanna be no bother, Mrs. Mac, " he pipes, "but could a man geta apron around here?" We got him inside of some gingham, and he disappeared into the kitchenagain. "Where d'ye get them birds?" says the wife, noddin' after him. "Sssh!" says Alex. "That feller there is gonna make us all rich beforethe month is over! We'll have more money than we can count and--" "Oh, won't that be grand!" says the wife, who'd believe Alex if he toldher Missouri started the war. "Then I can have everything I want. " "I thought _that_ happened when you got _me_, " I says. "Still, " she sighs, payin' me no attention as usual, "money ain'teverything. " "No, " says Alex, "but it'll get it!" "We always was used to money, " goes on the wife, gettin' kinda dopedunder the influence of the sweet and savory odors which was comin' fromthe kitchen. "You know, Alex, that our family was connected with thebest people in Vermont. " "They ain't got a thing on a telephone operator, " I says. "They getconnected with the best people in the United States every day!" I don't get a tumble from either of them. "There was Great-uncle Ed, " proceeds the wife, kinda dreamy. "If hehadn't died so sudden, he'd of been worth a million. " I tried my luck again. "That's the one that turned out to be a carbolic acid fiend, ain't it?"I says. At this point, the greatest meal that ever played a date at our flat, come outa the kitchen escorted by Hector. One whiff of that layout andthe greatest chef in the world would of gone out and bought a revolver. Hector is nothin' but smiles. "Give this a whirl!" he says. "And lemme know what you think of it. Ididn't have much to work with--only lamb chops, vegetables and thelike, but I did what I could. " Oh, boy!--that was _some_ feed! Conversation lagged a bit for abouthalf a hour, while we fell to and demolished this stuff, and Hectorswells up like a human yeast cake under the kind words that come hisway. Finally, we had to quit eatin' for lack of further accommodationsand the wife tells Hector that they ain't no doubt about it, as a cookhe wins the garage. "Oh, that's nothin', " he says; gettin' an attack of modesty. "I'mkinda fussy about my food and I been figurin' out different ways ofcookin' up stuff to get the best outa it, for years. That's the onlyamusement I got. I ain't so much as a cook, but you oughta see me playball, heh, Mac?" The old glitter comes into Alex's eyes. "I seen you play ball, Mister Sells, " he says, "and you are a knockout!But what you just said about food interests me more. I'm kinda oddregardin' vittles myself and what I seen in the paper to-day has got meworried sick. " "What was that?" says Hector. "Well, " says Alex, "there's gonna be a fearful shortage of all kinds ofmeats and vegetables, because all the available food in the U. S. Isabout to be seized for the army. This time next year we'll all prob'lybe livin' on bread and water and lucky to get it!" Hector gets as white as precipitated chalk. "You don't mean it!" he gasps, gettin' half outa his chair. "It's a fact, " says Alex. "I was only readin' it this mornin'. " I thought Hector was gonna fall dead at our feet. "But--but what am _I_ gonna do?" he says, kinda dazed. "What are _you_ gonna do?" I sneers. "What are we _all_ gonna do?" "You don't get me!" he says. "It's all well enough for you guys whichcan eat common ordinary food like ham and eggs and steaks and chops, but I can't _go_ that stuff! All the time I ain't out at the ball parkI'm experimentin' with different kinds of stuff to eat, and if they goto work and shut off all them rare vegetables and so forth on me--well, I don't eat, that's all!" He gets up and reaches for his hat. "Well, " says Alex, "I can see that you and me is pretty much alike. Ican't eat porterhouse steaks and French lamb chops as a steady diet, either! My stomach craves them rare dishes the same as yours does, andit sure looks like you and me is gonna starve to death when this foodconservation thing goes through!" Hector slaps his hands together and squares his jaw. "_I_ ain't gonna starve!" he says. "They has got to be 1, 500 caloriesand a amount of proteins in proportion go into my system every day. Not only that, its gotta be in a tasty form! I'm gonna go home andfigure this thing out so's I'll be took care of when the governmentgrabs off all the food supplies. They must be somethin' a man can do!Good night, folks--and thanks for the use of the kitchen. " With that he blows. "I think he's a nut!" remarks the wife, when the hall door bangs. "Leave him be!" says Alex, rubbin' his hands together, a habit thatgets my goat. "I got him started now and--" "Say!" I says. "I didn't see nothin' in no paper about the governmentgonna seize all the eats. I think you was kiddin' Hector, myself!" "You didn't see the Civil War, either, did you?" says Alex. "I supposeyou don't believe that, eh? I told you I was gonna put this fellerover and if you'll leave me be, I will! I told you every man had anace buried somewhere, didn't I? Well, Hector's ace is his madinfatuation for his stomach. He's never played it yet, because there'sbeen no reason to do so. As long as he had the money, he could buy thestuff and hash it up in any way his peculiar tastes desired. Once hethinks he _can't_ do that, he'll put all he's got under his hat intofindin' a way to get all them proteins and calories he wants. I'vegiven him somethin' he never had before--an incentive--and--" "What do you figure Hector's gonna do to startle the world?" I says. "Search me!" says Alex, grinnin', "but we'll all get paid off onwhatever it is, you can gamble on that!" The wife sniffs. "I never heard tell of no man that couldn't eat porterhouse steaks!"she says. "I seen a lot of them to-day, " says Alex, puttin' on his coat. "Where?" asks the wife. "I was passin' the Evergreen Cemetery!" says Alex. "Good night, all!" The next day, Hector comes to me before the game and you never seensuch a change in a guy in your life! He looked like he hadn't slept awink since they buried Washington and he's as nervous as a steam drill. "Mac, " he says, "I wanna ask two favors off of you, the first I askedin a long while. " "Shoot, Hector!" I tells him. "You know I can deny you nothin'. " "I want a week off and the loan of five hundred bucks, " he says. "I'll tell you, " I says. "Take _two_ weeks off and forget about thefive hundred, heh?" "No, Mac--I gotta have the dough!" he says. "With what I got saved up, I figure it'll be ample. " "Ample for what?" I asks. "I can't tell no man nothin' about it now, " he answers, "but when Icome back from my vacation, I'll let you in on it. I don't like to saythis, Mac--but when I was slippin' it to you, I never asked whether youwanted it to get a hair cut with or to try and put Wall Street on thebum. If--" "That's enough!" I cuts him off, takin' out the roll. "Here you are, Hector--and if you want any more they's plenty of it where that comefrom!" They was--in the mint. When Hector had put some distance between himself and the ball park, Ibegin to think the thing over. If he _did_ pull any startlin' stunt, Istood to lose a thousand bucks, not countin' the weddin' gift, to Alex. They was five hundred more I'd invested right then, makin' fifteenhundred in all, which I considered was gettin' into money. For all Iknowed, Hector and Alex might be framin' me and they ain't no manlivin' who loves bein' a sucker. I decided right then and there to shoot another nickel on the thing andI called up the Ryan Detective Agency. Mike Ryan had been a friend ofme and Hector since we'd been in baseball. I told him the whole layoutand asked for a report on the activities of Hector the followin' day, if possible. It was three days before I seen Ryan's report. He give it to mehimself by mouth. "Say!" he says. "This Hector bird has gone nutty, and I suppose bein'friends of his, you and me had better have him put away where he can'tdo himself no violence. " "What's he doin'?" I asks. "Well, " says Ryan, "I'll give you the dope since he left the ball parkon Monday. The first thing he does is go to the bank and draw outevery nickel he's got. Then he moves from the hotel to CerealCrossin', N. J. This burg casts eleven votes for president every fouryears and they all work on the same farm. Hector hires a shack awayout in the middle of the woods there and, from then on, boxes andcrates begins to arrive for him from everywheres but Brazil. I met upwith a Secret Service guy who had dropped in to get a line on whatkinda bombs Hector was makin' before pinchin' him, and we went throughthis express stuff durin' the night. The first crate we tackledcontained all the glassware in the world of a medical nature. They wasbottles, test tubes, bowls and all the stuff usual found in a practicalanarchist's workshop. After the first peep, the Secret Service guywanted to run right over and fit Hector with iron bracelets, but I gothim to hold off long enough to look over the rest of the stuff. Wewent through every box and what d'ye think we found in 'em?" "I wasn't there, " I says. "Tell me. " "Well, " says Ryan, grinnin', "when all this stuff was assembled, itwould make a first class delicatessen shop and that's all! They wasmeats, cheese, olive oil, fish, vegetables, pickles, mustard and aboutfifteen other eatables I never seen or heard tell of before in my life!We busted a lot of it open, lookin' for explosives, but they was all onthe level. Why, that bird's got enough stuff down there to keep him infood for the rest of his life!" I bust out laughin'. "Ha, ha!" I says. "That's it! The poor fathead went and fell for thatbunk Alex handed him and he's gone and laid in that stuff so's he won'tstarve when the government seizes the food supplies. Can you tie that?" "I always thought he was a little queer, " says Ryan. "Especially whenhe claims he's a ball player. Let's get him in some nice, privatesanitarium somewheres and I'll split the bill with you. " "Leave him alone!" I says. "I'll take care of this myself. If hestays there long enough, I gotta chance to win a piece of money and--" "All right!" says Ryan. "It ain't no milk outa my coffee, but thatbird oughta be under lock and key!" I could hardly wait to tell Alex about Hector's first step towardssuccess. I rung him up immediately and give him the dope, windin' upby askin' when he'd be ready to pay me off. "Pay _you_ off?" he says. "Save that comedy for Cousin Alice! Justyou leave Hector be now; from what you tell me everything's goin' fineand--" "Goin' fine?" I hollers. "When that poor simp buries himself in Jerseywith all the food in the world, do you call that makin' good?" "Gimme a week!" says Alex. "He said he'd be back then, and if he ain'tshown somethin' by that time, you get the check. " "Fair enough!" I says, "and have it certified. " The followin' Monday night, Alex as usual is honorin' me and the wifewith his presence at dinner. I was in such good humor that I didn't asmuch as wince when he calls for another piece of roast beef, makin' aneven eight. Hector had failed to appear as advertised and the notedSuccess Developer had promised to pay me off before he left. They wasa ring at the bell and the wife ushers in Hector, ruinin' the night forme! "I would of reported at the ball park this afternoon like I promised, "he says, "only I was in a burg where the only time a train ever stoppedthere was when one went off the track. " I hardly knowed it was the same Hector which went away the week before. His cheeks was filled out past the legal limit and he had a color thatwould make an insurance company let him write his own policy. He wasAlfred Q. Health--that's all! "I'm sorry to see you people eatin' the flesh of the cow, roasted in anunscientific manner, " he says. "One slab of that is shy justforty-eight calories and they's more proteins in a filetted bean!" Hereaches in his pocket and pulls out a little package. "If I can drawup a chair here, " he says, "I'll have dinner with you. " "I'll get another plate, " says the wife, "and some coffee--" "Not a thing!" says Hector. "I got mine with me!" With that heunwraps the package and pulls out a thing about the size of a deck ofcards. I thought at first it was a razor hone, but Hector bites intoit. "Just a glass of water, " he says, "though with this a man don'teven need that!" Alex bounces outa his chair and gimme the laugh. "What's that?" he hollers at Hector. "That, " says Hector, "is the last word in calories, protein andnourishment! It contains each and every juice and sustainin' part ofall meats and vegetables known to man, with a little glutein inventionof my own combined. It has got it forty ways on all other patentfoods, because it's not only nourishin', it's so darned tasty that onceyou eat it you get the habit, like dope or somethin', and you can't eatanything else! It'll keep forever without ice or preservatives. Youdon't need liquids with it, it supplies its own juices. It's got akick like booze and they ain't no alcohol in it. I invented it and Ibeen livin' on it all week. Look me over and--" "Gimme a bite!" yells Alex. He grabs this weird lookin' slab of gue and takes a mouthful. "Oh, lady!" he hollers. "They's just two things I wanna know. Whatdoes it cost to make this stuff, and will it stand scientific tests?" "It costs about two cents a square, roughly speakin', " says Hector, "and it'll stand any test in the world! Three of them things is theday's food for a healthy man and--" "Will you lend me one for two days?" asks Alex, reachin' for his coatand hat. Hector pulls out another package. "Sure!" he says. "I brung one along for you, because you claimed youwas the same as me when it come to--" But Alex and the trick cake of collapsible food was gone! He showed up at the ball park the end of the week, when Hector waspitchin' against the Red Sox. They got seven runs off him in thesecond innin' and I was just yankin' him out, when Alex come runnin'down to the dugout. "Hector!" he hollers. "You're a rich man! No more baseball foryours--why, you can buy a team if you want it and--" "I thought you claimed you never drank, " I says. "What is your friend ravin' about?" inquires Hector. Alex answers by shovin' a pink slip of paper into his hands. It wasthe first check for fifty thousand bucks I ever seen in my life and itwas signed by the secretary of the U. S. Treasury! "Why--what kinda stuff is this?" mutters Hector, turnin' the check overand over. "It's made out to me! Why--who--where--who give you--" "It's all yours!" says Alex, rubbin' his hands together and displayin'all his back teeth. "I took your food to Washington and got thegovernment experts to try it out. They been lookin' for a one-pieceration for the army. They wanted somethin' cheap, palatable andnourishin' that the men would take to. They was after a food thatcould be easily packed and shipped. They give your food every possibletest and accepted it. That fifty thousand is only a first payment--westill got four hundred and fifty thousand comin' for the inventionand--" "My Gawd!" gasps Hector. "They give up all this money for that?" "Sure!" rattles on Alex. "And all you gotta do is go to the laboratorythey're gonna build and show 'em how to make it. We still got fourhundred and--" "Where d'ye get that _we_ stuff?" I butts in, seein' my bet with Alexgoin' south. "Hector put that over and--" "And I put _him_ over!" says Alex. "I'm the young feller that showedhim where _his_ ace was! I therefore take one thousand dollars fromyou, with that weddin' chest of silver, and I'll only charge Hector tenper cent of his profits, as he was my first patient. I--" "Let's git outa here!" pipes Hector hoarsely. "Think of me with fiftythousand berries and more on the fire!" Well, we all met at the flat the next afternoon to celebrate. The wifesuggested a theatre party with all that goes with it, and I was lookin'over the papers to pick out a good show. Alex is walkin' up and downthe room, rubbin' them hands of his together. "Well, well, well!" he says, slappin' Hector on the back. "To thinkthat the days of slavery is all over! No more reportin' at the ballpark every day, no more spring training no more watchin' 'em hit andrun. That must be great after seven years of havin' to see it and--" "Yeh!" mumbles Hector, kinda glum. He's all dressed up like a brokenarm and takin' it just as hard. "Well, " I says, "where will we go? We got all the shows in New York topick from and--" "Get one that will give Mister Sells a chance to really relax and enjoyhimself, " says the wife. "Somethin' that will allow him to forget hisformer--" "Why not ask Hector?" says Alex. "Where would _you_ like to go, MisterSells?" Hector gets up and fumbles with his hat. "Say!" he says. "Let's all go out and see the ball game, heh?" CHAPTER IV DON'T GIVE UP THE TIP! Listen! If you ever wake up some mornin' with an idea for somethingnew--whether it's a soup, a vaudeville act or a religion--and youexpect to cash on it, go to the nearest hardware store and ask the guybehind the counter how much he'll take for all the locks in the joint. Take 'em at any price and fasten 'em on the door of the safe where youkeep the idea--the same bein' your mouth--and then throw the keys inany good, deep river! If the inventors of stud poker, movin' pictures, the alligator pear, pneumonia and so forth had gone around talkin' about them things beforethey got 'em patented they never would of took in a nickel on theiridea, but their _friends_ would be draggin' down the royalties yet!The minute you tip another guy to your stunt it's yours and his both. He mightn't _mean_ to steal your stuff, but he can't help himself. Themore he thinks about it, the better he likes it, and it ain't longbefore he gets believin' it was _his_ idea anyways and where do you getoff by claimin' you thought of it? I admit freely that you can't cash on your scheme unless you get itbefore the world, but the thing is to wait till you got it covered withso many copyrights and patents that not even the James Boys could stealit and then _tell 'em all at once_! If Edgar Simmons had of did that, he'd be a rich millionaire to-dayinstead of havin' to cut his winnin's with Alex. Edgar had an idea, and he didn't know what to do with it. Alex did! The wife and I is sittin' down to the evenin' meal one night, when thetelephone rings. Only one of us got up. "Hello!" I says. "Hello!" is the answer. "This is Alex. What would you say to merunnin' up there to supper to-night?" "Nothin', " I answers. "I see where they was a guy got pinched onlylast week for swearin' over the phone!" "Look here!" he says, kinda peeved. "Do you want me to come up thereto-night or don't you?" "Don't you!" I says. "They's plenty of places where they would be glad to have me todinner, " he snarls. "Places that is just as good as yours!" "How do _you_ know how good they are?" I says. "You ain't never triedno dinners nowheres else but up here. " "They ain't no man can keep me from seein' my cousin!" he says. "TellAlice I'll be right up!" I hung up the phone. "Well, " I says to the wife, "I got bad news for you. " "Who was it?" she asks, droppin' the knittin' layout on the floor. "That trick relative of yours, " I tells her. "He's comin' up here fordinner again, so I guess I'll go down to the corner and play a littlepinochle. " "You ought to be the weather man, " says the wife, "you're such a rottenguesser! You ain't goin' nowheres. You're gonna stay here and helpentertain Alex. " "Entertain him?" I says. "What d'ye think I am--a trained seal orsomethin'?" "Don't kid yourself!" she says. "You ain't even makin' the money Icould get with a trained seal! You gotta stop this pinochle thing--youdon't see Alex wastin' his time playin' pinochle with a lotta loafers!" "You bet you don't!" I comes back. "You'll never see Alex playin' nogame where they's a chance of the other guy winnin'! He wouldn't betzero was cold! And don't be callin' my friends loafers--every one ofthem guys is successful business men!" "That mob you hid out in here one night looked like a lotta plumbers tome!" she says. "Any man who sits up half the night playin' cards is aloafer!" "One of them loafers I while away my time with lives in the next flat, "I says, "and the dumbwaiter door is wide open. " "I don't care, " says the wife, flushin' all up. "Let him hear me!" "I ain't stoppin' him, " I says. "But you don't want it to get rumoredall over New York that you and me is quarrelin', do you?" The wife's answer is nothin'. She walks over to the window and looksout on Manhattan, doin' a soft shoe dance with one toe on the floor. If bein' good lookin' was water, she'd be Niagara Falls. You've seenher picture many a time on a can of massage cream--which she nevertouched in her life! The label claims it was this stuff that put herover, but she don't know whether rouge is for red cheeks or measles. They ain't a day goes by without some movie company pesterin' her tosign up, and she can write her own ticket when it comes to salary. Well, I'm in dutch again, but I don't care! This here knockout is wedto me, and they ain't _nothin'_ can give me the blues! "Listen!" I says. "Honey, we only been wed ten years--and here we arescrappin' _already_!" She turns on the weeps and I'm across the floor like a startled rabbit. We come to terms in about five minutes, and as far as a disinterestedstranger could of seen, everything is O. K. Again. "Well, " I says, finally, "you ain't mad at me no more, heh, honey?" She wags her head, no. "We got _that_ all settled, heh?" I says. Her head is on my shoulder and why shouldn't it be, and she says yes. They is a pause. To bust it up, I coughs. "If that pest Alex wasn't comin' here to-night, " I says, "we might goto the theatre. " "The _movies_ hurts my eyes!" she answers, givin' me a sarcasticalsmile. "D'ye mean to give the neighbors the idea I have never staked you tonothin' but the movies?" I hollers, gettin' sore, naturally enough. "Don't be callin' my cousin no pest!" she says and--well, we're offagain! In less than five minutes, some new-comers which has a flat across thehall, knocks on the dumbwaiter bell furiously. I answered. "Why don't you people let go?" inquires a harsh voice. "We can't standthat tourney in there no longer!" "They ain't no way of puttin' a man in jail for movin', " I says. "The idea of a man hollerin' at his wife like that!" comes a femalevoice in back of this guy. "Shut up--I'm doin' this!" exclaims her lovin' spouse, --and then theyhad a mêlée of their own! In the middle of this our doorbell rings and in comes Alex. "They should of named this apartment house the Verdun, " he says. "Theyseems to be a battle goin' on here every time I come up! I could hearevery word you people was sayin' as plain as day, away out in the hall!" "What did you come in for then?" I asks him. "Especially as you couldhear this was the rush hour!" He ignores me and kisses the wife--a thing he knows gets me wild. "Now, boys!" butts in the wife, splittin' her world famous grinfifty-fifty, "let's stop quarrelin'. They ain't a reason on earth whywe can't be friends, even if we are relatives. " "When are you gonna have dinner?" asks Alex. "This here's eatless night with us, " I says. "Not to give you a shortanswer. " "Don't pay no attention to him, Alex, " says the wife. "You know youcan eat here whenever you want. " "Sure!" I says. "Don't mind me. All I gotta do is pay for thisstuff--that's all!" The wife gimme a bitter glance. "That's right, " she says. "Tell the world that I have wed a tightwad!" "What d'ye mean?" I hollers. "I'm as loose as ashes with my money andthey ain't nobody knows it better than you. I don't even moan over themonthly phone bill, which from the last one you musta been callin' upfriends in Australia!" "Here!" butts in Alex. "This thing's gotta stop! Come on, kiss andmake up. The first thing you know the Red Cross will be openin' abranch here. If I didn't know how much you people loved each other, I'd get the idea that you was really angry. " "Of course we love each other!" I says. "We only pull this now andthen so's we won't get sickenin' to the neighbors by billin' and cooin'_all_ the time! Ain't I right, honey?" "Are you sorry?" inquires the wife. "Sorry?" I says. "Why, I'd go out and buy a tube of carbolic acid ifit wasn't so high!" With that they was peace. We're just sittin' down to a well-earned meal, when the bell ringsagain. Actin' as maid is one of the best things I do around my fiverooms, if you count the bath, so I answered it. They was a man and awoman standin' there and my heart run up to play with my tonsils when Iseen them. I figured they was a couple more guests for dinner and youknew what they're askin' for steak these days. "I'm sorry to bother you, " says the dame, "but we are the people wholive in the flat right under yours. " "If you think we're too noisy, moan to the landlord!" I says, "I gottaright to stage an argument in my flat whenever I so choose!" She giggles. The guy that was with her don't make a sound. "Why, I'm sure we never heard any noise from above, " she says. "Ithink you and your wife are no doubt the quietest folks in the wholehouse. " Oh, boy!!! "How long have you been deaf?" I says. "You're just like your wife claims, " she grins. "Full of life and fun!But I'm keepin' you from your food, ain't I? I wanted to know if you'dlet Mister Simmons climb down your fire escape. " "Feed him some veronal, " I says, "and he'll no doubt be O. K. In themornin'. The first day is always tough!" "Why, what do you mean?" she says. "I merely asked if my husband couldclimb down your fire escape. " I seen I had wild pitched the first time, so I tried my luck again. "Is your joint on fire?" I says. "Oh, no!" she tells me. "But we are locked out. My husband invented anew kind of lock--he's always inventing something that will doeverything but work. He put this lock on our door and now he can'topen it himself! Isn't that killing?" "A riot!" I admits. "Come right in. " The wife is gettin' nervous at me bein' out there so long, and when sheheard a female voice laughin', of course that didn't help matters none. She meets this dame half way in the hall and the minute they seen eachother they fall together in fond embrace. I found out later they'dknown each other as long as a week and the last time they met was anhour before. Well, we get introduced all around and then this bird which invented alock that nobody on earth could open, includin' himself, goes out onthe fire escape followed by his charmin' wife. They entered their flatby the novel method of usin' the kitchen window. This guy didn't openhis mouth from the time he come in till he went out, and when spoke to, he blushed all over and acted like he wished to Heaven he could hideunder the sofa. His wife, though, had nothin' against conversation asa sport. She was talkin' when she come in and she went out the sameway. I never seen nobody in my life who could talk as fast andfrequent as this dame and if her husband had hung that trick lock onher tongue he would of made himself solid with me! "That's that lovely Mrs. Simmons, " says the wife, when they had went. "It's too bad her husband ain't a live one. " "Gettin' married has buried many a good man!" I says. "It didn't change _you_ none, " she says. "You was a dead one when Igot you!" "Here!" butts in Alex. "Don't you people get started again! I wannafinish my supper in peace. What's wrong with Mister Simmons?" "He ain't got no pep, " says the wife. "They's many a more ambitiousman than he is with a tomb around him! He's been keepin' books fortwenty dollars a week since the discovery of arithmetic, and he ain'tgot a raise since they blowed up the _Maine_. He's afraid to ask formore money for fear the boss will find out he's on the pay roll andfire him. They's one ounce more brains in a billiard ball than they isin his head. He--" "Wait!" interrupts Alex. "This here sounds interestin' to me. In thefirst place, they ain't a doubt in my mind but what you got that fellerfigured all wrong! Like all the rest of you simple minded and innocentNew Yorkers, you get brains and _imagination_ mixed. They is a bigdifference! _Brains_ is what puts a man over, and _imagination_ iswhat keeps him back. The ideal combination is all brains and noimagination! The feller with brains sets his mind on what he wants, forgets everything else, goes to it and gets it. He don't for a minuteconsider what might happen if he fails, or that the thing he proposeshas never been done before, or that maybe his scheme ain't really asgood as he first thought it was. Why don't he think of them things?Because he ain't got no imagination! The imaginative feller is beatfrom the start. He keeps thinkin' from every possible angle, whatmight happen to him if he _fails_ and, by the time he gets that allfigured out, his idea is cold and his enthusiasm for it has drowned inthe sea of possibilities his roamin' mind has created! The fellerwhich said, 'look before you leap!' might of been clever, but I bet hethought a five-dollar bill was as big as they made 'em till he went tohis grave! If I'd had imagination, I'd never of come to New York andmade good. I'd of been afraid the town was too big for me. Now thisfeller Simmons, I'll betcha, is simply sufferin' from a case of toomuch imagination. He must have _somethin'_ in his head or he couldn'teven keep books. It takes brains to balance accounts, the same as ittakes money to pay 'em. Am I right?" "What d'ye say, if we go to the movies?" I says. Alex gets up in disgust. "Is that all the interest I'm gettin' here?" he asks. "This ain't no bank!" I tells him. "Be still!" says the wife. "I heard every word you said, Alex dear. Ithink you're horribly interestin'. But I still claim Simmons is afat-head whose butcher bill gives him trouble every month! He nevertakes that poor wife of his nowheres, but a walk past the Fifth AvenueLibrary, and she don't know if they have dancin' or swimmin' incabarets. He's always drawin' things on pieces of paper, and he sitsup half the night inventin' what-nots that would be all right, if theywasn't useless. " "Yes, " says Alex, "and some day he'll hit on somethin' that'll prob'lymake him famous!" "I wanna see Beryldine Nearer in 'The Vaccinated Vampire', " I says, reachin' for my hat. "I seen her last week in 'Almost A Fiend' and shewas a knockout!" "Shut up!" says the wife. "What was you sayin', again, Alex?" "I says it's the dreamer which has made the world what it is to-day, "he goes on, strikin' a pose. "He _thinks_ of somethin' and thepractical feller comes along and makes money out of it. Take--" "They ain't no man can keep me from the movies!" I butts in. "I ain'tgonna be late and only see half of this picture. I done that toooften! You and Alice can fight it out amongst yourselves if--" "All right!" says the wife. "Come on, we'll all go. I admit freelyI'm crazy to see Beryldine Nearer again, myself. I seen a gown on herin the last picture which I think I can duplicate in time for Mrs. Martin's card party. We'll ask Mr. And Mrs. Simmons to go with us too. The poor dear, it'll be a treat for her. " "It'll be a treat for her husband, too!" I says. "I ain't gonna takethe whole neighborhood to the movies. You must think I'm the LibertyLoan, don't you?" The wife comes over and kisses me. "Now, dear, " she says. "Don't be so close across the chest. Won't youtake 'em for me?" Well, when all Broadway used to roll over and play dead when she pulledthat smile, what chance have _I_ got? "I'd take carbolic for you!" I answers, givin' her a squeeze. "Goahead, honey, invite the first two pagefuls outa the phone book if youwant and I'll take 'em all!" "There you go, " she says. "No wonder we're not wealthy! If it wasn'tfor me holdin' you down, we wouldn't have a nickel. I'll call down andtell Mrs. Simmons to get ready--they may have an engagement themselves!" "I doubt if I'm lucky enough for that to happen!" I says. Well, I missed out again. They come up all right, and Mrs. Simmons istickled to death. When set for the street, she was a pretty goodlooker herself, but Simmons ain't even got a hat with him. "Mister Simmons prefers to stay at home, " says his wife, causin' myheart to leap with joy. "He has some important work to do, haven'tyou, dear?" Simmons flushes all up. "Why--eh--yes--quite so--much obliged--excuse me, " he stutters, backin'away like he thought I'd wallop him for not goin'. Alex is lookin' at him strangely. "Pardon me, " he says. "We just been talkin' over some of the wonderfulideas you been workin' on. I have a inventive twist in my brainsmyself and that lock you put together interests me very much. Could Isee it?" Simmons brightens up in a flash and commences to grin. "I'd be very glad indeed to show it to you, " he says. "Very glad! Itsa--" Alex goes over and puts his arm on his shoulder. "You folks run along to the movies, " he tells us. "Mr. Simmons and meis got a little conference on--eh, Simmons?" He prods him in the ribsand giggles. Simmons wags his head. A guy with two glass eyes could see he wastickled silly. I dragged the rest of 'em out. Well, we come in from the movie around eleven o'clock and stopped inthe Simmons flat. They had dragged me into a delicatessen parlor onthe way back and put the bee on me for a cold lunch. We was to eat itin Mrs. Simmons's flat. All she furnished was the idea. Alex andSimmons is sittin' in the dinin' room and they're so interested in eachother they don't even look up when we come in. The table is full ofdrawin's and blue prints and scraps of paper all covered over withfigures. Simmons is pointin' out somethin' to Alex on a piece ofpaper, and I'll lay the world four to one Alex ain't got the slightestidea what the other guy's talkin' about, but he's listenin' like he'shearin' the secret of makin' gold outa mud. "I'll bet you have gone to work and bored Mister Hanley half to death!"says his wife. "How often have I told you that strangers is notinterested in them fool ideas of yours?" "Not at all!" says Alex. "I fail to recall when I spent such aenjoyable night. Mister Simmons is a genius, if they ever was one, andI predict a great future for his automatic cocktail shaker. Then, ifhe gets his keyless lock workin' right, why--" "Let's eat in the kitchen, it's cosier, " interrupts Mrs. Simmons. "Doyou folks mind?" They was no bloodshed over it, and we all went in. Simmons claims hewould like to change his collar, and invites me back to look over theflat, a treat the wife has already had. Once we get in his boudoir, hefinds they is everything in the world in it with the exception of aclean collar, and he calls Mrs. Simmons to the rescue. "Here!" she says, handin' him the laundry. "Hurry up, so's we can eat. He's always losin' somethin'!" she remarks. I got a comical answer on the tip of my tongue, when Simmons drops hiscollar button on the floor, and, the same as all the other collarbuttons in the world, they picked out the furtherest corners of theroom to roll into. The poor boob gets as red as a four-alarm fire andgoes crawlin' around the room tryin' to run them collar buttons down. "It's too bad them buttons wasn't made of rubber, " I says, thinkin' topass the thing off. "They would of bounced right back in your hand, hey?" He straightens up like he had stepped on a egg and runs his handsthrough his hair. "A rubber collar button!" he mutters. "A rubber collar button!No--no--not _rubber_, but--" "My Gawd!" cuts in Mrs. Simmons. "Will he _ever_ stop it? Sit downand eat, folks, he's ravin' again! Here, Edgar, try some of this coldham. It set our friends back a dollar and it ought to be good!" "I'm--I'm sorry!" pipes Edgar, movin' away with that little, nervousstep of his. "I couldn't eat a thing. I got a headache, Iguess--I--excuse me, but I'll see you all again. " With that he blows. "Ain't he the limit?" inquires Mrs. Simmons, grabbin' the choicest bitsof that ham and goin' south with it. "Mine's worse!" remarks the wife. "What would them men ever do withoutus?" "Save money!" I says. "Slip me some of that cold chicken, will you?--Igot a stomach, too!" Well, we didn't see Edgar Simmons no more that night. In fact it wasall of two weeks before he appeared again, and then it was by way ofthe phone. He asked me if I would tell my Cousin Alex to come down atonce, he had somethin' very important to tell him. I waited tillsupper had come and gone that night, and then I got hold of Alex. Thewife and Mrs. Simmons went to the theatre together and I arranged theconference for my flat. The minute Alex arrived I phoned Simmons andhe come right up. He's all excited over somethin' and he's got aparcel under his arm. "I have followed your advice, " he tells Alex, "and at last I'veinvented something practical. There's millions in it!" "What?" I says. "The mint?" Alex kicks me in the shins under the table so hard that I moaned aloud. "What is it?" he asks. Simmons unwraps the parcel and pulls out a piece of cloth. It's theneckband of a shirt and the same as the ordinary neckband in everyway--except it's got collar buttons _built right into it_! "What's the idea?" I asks. "Heavens, man, can't you grasp it?" says Simmons, slammin' the tablewith his fist. "Here we have the only collar button in the world _thatcan't be lost_! You never have to look for it, because it's alwaysattached to the shirt. You can't lose the button unless you lose theshirt! It's made right with it! It--" "Wait!" butts in Alex, leapin' to his feet. "Simmons--you have gotsomethin'! Is it patented?" "Yes, " says Simmons. "Have you felt out the shirt people on it?" asks Alex next. "That's what I wanted to see _you_ about, " says Simmons. "I can't getthem to look at it! I get shifted from one subordinate to another andthey seem to think I'm some sort of a crank. If I could only get itbefore Philip Calder, the president of the Brown-Calder Shirt Company, I'd be made!" "Hmm!" grunts Alex. "Well, what d'ye want _me_ to do?" Simmons coughs and fidgets with the button. "It struck me when you was talkin' to me the other night, " he says, "that if there was one man in New York who could see Calder and makehim realize the merits of my invention, you were that man! Will youtry it?" "I'll _do_ it!" answers Alex. "Gimme the model and you'll hear from mein a few days. Do you wish to sell the neckbands themselves, or justthe patent on your idea?" "I don't care who makes the neckbands, " says Simmons, "as long as I getpaid for my invention! Of course, I don't expect you to help me fornothing, either. " "Ha! ha!" I butts in. "That bird wouldn't tell you the time fornothing You'll be lucky if you ever even see that invention any more!" "Don't mind my cousin, " Alex tells him. "Outside of a tendency to themeasles, he's the worst thing we got in our family! We'll take up thefinancial end of this later. " Bright and early the next mornin', or eleven o'clock to be exact, Alexinvites me to go with him so's I can watch how he would go about seein'the president of the Brown-Calder Company and sellin' him the Simmonspatent collar button. As they is always a chance that Alex will falldown, I went along. We had no trouble at all landin' outside thepresident's office, but once we got there it was different. "Is Mister Calder in?" says Alex to a blond stenographer, which lookslike them movie queens would like to. She puts four stray hairs back of her left ear and arises. "Have you got an appointment?" she inquires. "No, " grins Alex, "my nose got that way from bein' hit with a baseball. " She had lovely teeth and showed 'em to us. "Cards?" she says next, lookin' from one of us to the other. "I'll play these!" says Alex. "Listen! I wanna go in Mister Calder'soffice without bein' announced. I ain't seen him for years and he'llbe tickled silly when we meet. I wanna sneak in and just be there thefirst time he looks around. I'm a surprise--see?" She looks kinda doubtful. "W-e-ll, I don't know, " she says. "I've only been here sinceyesterday, but my orders is to let nobody past this gate without firstfindin' out their business and so forth. Still and all, I don't wannabe harsh with none of the boss's old college chums or nothin' likethat. If you can guarantee I won't lose my job, I'll let you get awaywith it. " "If you lose your job, " says Alex, openin' the gate and pullin' me inafter him, "I'll hire you for five dollars more than you're gettin'here. All right?" "I only trust you're man enough to keep your word, " she says. "Theboss's office is the first one to the left. " "Thanks, " says Alex. "Them eyes of yours is alone worth the trip!" This guy Calder's door is open and he's sittin' at a big desk writin'away on somethin' like everything depended on speed. He's a great, bigfat bird, with one of them trick Chaplin mustaches and he's smokin' acigar as big as he is. His head is playin' it's hairless day. All inall, he looked like big business, and my knees is knockin' togethertill I'm afraid he'll hear 'em and turn around. Alex gumshoes up tothe desk and without sayin' a word, he lays the neckband right downbeside Calder, who immediately swings around with a snort. "What's all this--how did you get in here?" he bellers. "We took the subway down from Ninety-sixth Street, " says Alex. "Thatthing you got in your hand is the neckband of a shirt. " "Well?" growls Calder, tappin' the desk with a lead pencil. "It contains two collar buttons--one front and one back, " says Alex. "As you may have noticed, they are built right into the cloth and aremeant to come _attached to the shirt_. This does away forever with thenecessity of buying a collar button. It cannot be broken, lost ormislaid. Any shirt manufacturer making shirts with this neckbandattached will naturally have the bulge on his rivals. I can turn outthe neckband for practically nothing. I hold the patent. " Calder sneers. "Ha!" he says. "There's a million cranks come in my office every day. I suppose you want to sell me this, eh?" "No, sir!" says Alex, with a pleasant grin. I liked to fell through the floor at that! "_No_, sir?" repeats Calder, droppin' the pencil. "No, sir!" answers Alex. "Well, what the--what _do_ you want then?" roars Calder. "Come now, speak up. I'll give you five minutes, that's all!" "That's three minutes more than I got to spare!" chirps Alex, pullin'over a chair. "I don't want you to _buy_ this neckband, Mister Calder. What I want is this--I know that _you_ are the greatest authority onshirts and everything connected with the business, in the United Statesif not in the world! I think I have a big thing here, a thing thatwill revolutionize one end of that business. I say I _think_ so, because I don't know. Now--the concern I represent wants your opinionof it. We're willing to pay to have you, the world's greatestauthority, go on record as to the merits of this invention. If you sayit's no good, I'll throw it away and forget about it; if you say it'sgood, I'll have no trouble placing it anywhere in the world!" Well, say! That old guy brightens all up when Alex calls him thechampion shirtmaker of the world, and pickin' up the band, he turns itover in his hands a few times. You could see that the old salve Alexhanded him had gone big! "Hmph!" he says, finally. "How much would these things cost me?" "Roughly speakin', about three cents each, " says Alex. "How long will they stand up under laundering?" is the next questionCalder fires at him. "They're the only thing that won't come out in the wash!" answers Alex, without battin' an eye. The old guy smiles and presses a button. In comes a clerk. "Send in Mister Lacy, no matter what he's doing, at once!" barksCalder. He turns to Alex as the clerk flees from the room. "Have youbeen anywhere else with this?" he asks. Alex looks pained. "Why, Mister Calder!" he says, "certainly not! Before I went anyfurther I wanted the opinion of the greatest--" This Lacy guy comes in. "Mister Lacy is superintendent of our manufacturing department, " saysCalder. "I'm going to talk with him for three minutes about the effectof the war on the onion crop in Beloochistan. I'll send for you at theexpiration of that time. Ah--you can leave the--ah--neckband here!" "Pardon me!" says Alex, "I have got to be up at the office of theEvers-Raine Shirt Company at three and I can just about make it. " "What the devil are you going to another shirt company for?" roarsCalder. "I have an old friend in the--ah--manufacturing department, " says Alex, lookin' straight at him, "who I'm very anxious to see. " Well, they stare at each other for a minute without sayin' a word. They're both playin' poker, and it's Calder who lays his down first! "Look here!" he grunts. "I'm going to take an option on this infernalthing for a week. How much is that worth to you?" "Ten thousand dollars, " answers Alex, pleasantly. "I'll pay seven and give you a check right now!" says Calder, slammin'the desk with his fist. "Here, Lacy!" he says to the other guy. "Thisis what we'll put on our shirts hereafter, unless I'm very muchmistaken! What do you think of it?" Lacy picks up the neckband and looks at it. "And to think, " he mutters in an awed voice. "And to think nobody everthought of this before!" "Hmm!" says Calder, takin' the band back. "That's all settled then!Young man, " he says to Alex, "the cashier will give you a check. Comeback at the end of the week and I'll either give you back yourneckband, or a contract for five hundred thousand of them a year fortwenty years!" "Thanks!" says Alex. "Will you have that check certified?" Well, Simmons like to went insane with joy when we sprung the news onhim and Alex insists on him takin' that seven thousand dollar checkwhole. He didn't ask for a nickel, which had me puzzled. Mrs. Simmonsgoes out shoppin' for furs, diamonds and automobiles, and the wife asksme why I don't invent somethin', but outside of that they was nothin'more doin' till the end of the week. Then, Alex comes up and breaksthe news to Simmons that the Brown-Calder Shirt Company will take allthe neckbands that Simmons can supply, as long as people wear shirts. "We have got to deliver 50, 000 in a month, " says Alex, "at the rate oftwo and a half cents apiece. Can you do it?" Simmons falls back on the sofa in a dead faint! Well, they was great excitement and the wife finally brings him to lifewith smellin' salts. "It was prob'ly the sudden mention of so much money, eh?" I says. "I'm ruined!" hollers Simmons, leapin' up and dancin' around. "Why, ittook me two weeks to make that one miserable model I gave you!" heyells at Alex. "I couldn't make fifty thousand of them things in alifetime!" Alexis eyes glitters. "Here!" he says, slappin' Simmons on the back. "Pull yourselftogether, man! You've got to think of somethin'. How did you makethat one?" "By hand!" wails Simmons. "Well, they must be some way of makin' a machine that can turn out somany thousand an hour!" says Alex, walkin' back and forth. "Why--" "I don't care who makes 'em!" says Simmons. "All I want is to get paidfor my idea. I--" "Listen to me!" interrupts Alex, shakin' him. "Can't you invent somekind of a machine for turnin' them neckbands out?" "Oh, I had a little something figured out the other night, " saysSimmons, "but what's the use of me botherin' with that? Why, a machineof that kind would cost at least twenty thousand dollars to make!Where can I get that much money?" "Look here!" Alex tells him. "You got seven and I'll loan you thebalance. You get busy on that machine right away--there's no time tolose!" He grabs his hat. "Come with me and I'll get you the money andthen we'll go to my lawyer and draw up a--that is, I'll take yourreceipt. " That's the last I seen of either of them for a month. At the end ofthat time, the wife tells me one day that Mr. And Mrs. Simmons isgivin' a big dinner that night and that Alex will be there. They'llnever notice us no more, if we don't come. Besides, they're goin' fora trip around the country in a few days and this here's a farewellparty. Well, it's a soup and fish affair, and naturally it takes the wife halfthe night to get dressed up for it. Fin'ly, however, she's dressed tothrill and we blowed in. The minute we did, Simmons pulls me over in acorner where Alex is sittin', smilin' like his name was George Q. Goodhumor. "Well, sir!" says Simmons, no longer shy and retirin', "I just aboutcleaned up. My machine is turnin' out three thousand bands an hour, and I get a cent for each and every one!" "You fin'ly doped out a machine then, heh?" I says. "Oh, yes!" he tells me. "But unfortunately I don't control it. I haveto pay the owner for each band turned out, although it's my invention. But I'm satisfied! I got a bonus of twenty-five thousand dollars fromthe Brown-Calder people for selling them the exclusive rights to usethe neckband, and then we have the foreign rights to--" "Wait!" I cuts in, turnin' to Alex. All this big money talk was makin'me dizzy. "Where do _you_ get off?" I asks him. "Well, I put the neckband over, didn't I?" he says. "Yes, " I admits, "but Simmons invented it and he gets the royalty. Howmuch cash did he give you?" "Nothing!" grins Alex. I looked at Simmons. "Perfectly correct!" he says, outgrinnin' Alex. "You--did all that for _nothin'_ I hollers, not believin' my ears. "Well, hardly that, " says Alex, lightin' a half-dollar cigar. "You seeI loaned Mister Simmons thirteen thousand dollars, if you remember, sothat he could make his machine. " "Yeh, yeh!" I says, gettin' impatient. "And--" "Well, as it stands now, " says Alex, "every time the machine turns outa neckband, he gets a cent out of the two and a half cents profit. " "Sure--he told me that!" I says. "But where do _you_ get off?" Alex grins some more. "I own the machine!" he says. "Have a cigar, cousin?" CHAPTER V YOU CAN DO IT! A guy once said, "Be sure you're right, then go ahead!" and like thebird which invented the sayin', "What are you gonna have?" he becamefamous on that one line. They's millions of people have repeated bothof them remarks since. As far as the last one is concerned, it's aboutdied out now and cracked ice has started gettin' acquainted withlemonade and the like instead of its old haunts, Scotch, Rye and Gin, which has pulled a Rip Van Winkle. I never told no man I was a fortuneteller, but if I was a bartender right now, believe me, I'd spend mynights off studyin' the art of makin' chocolate nut sundaes andpineapple ice cream sodas, because the time has come with alarmin'suddenness when alcohol will be used only for rubbin' baby's head whenhe falls off of the table and the like. However, that ain't neither here or there, as the guy says whichmislaid his watch, so let's get back to the bird which said, "Be sureyou're right, then go ahead!" That may be a good line, but it's poordope for the young. I'll tell the world fair that no winner ever gotpaid off by stickin' strictly to that. If Columbus had waited tillsomebody sent him a souvenir postal from the Bronx, so's he'd be surethey really was some choice real estate over here, he never would ofdiscovered America. Napoleon would never of got further than bein' abuck private in the army if he'd of played safe instead of goin' aheadon the "I Should Worry!" plan. I could name a million more guys whichgot over along the same lines only I hate to walk to the library. Butpick up any newspaper and the front page will give you the answer. Theguys that go over the top in this well known universe are the boyswhich goes ahead _first_ and figures what chances they got afterwards. They let the results they get tell whether they're _right_ or not. Idon't mean a guy should bust the traffic laws of any of the prominentvirtues in order to be a success, they ain't a game on earth that can'tbe played on the level and won clean, but instead of askin' yourself, "Can I do it?" say, "This will be _soft_ for me!" and you're a odds onfavorite to win! Me and the wife is sittin' down to breakfast one mornin', and I havebarely had time to find fault with the eggs when they's a ring at thebell. "See who that is, will you, dear?" says the wife, turnin' a page of the_Mornin' Shrapnel_ and shootin' the smile that used to jam the WinterGarden in my direction. "You know how tired I am in the mornings. " "Yeh, " I says, very sarcastical. "Eatin' grape fruit is enough to weardown the strongest. Since how long have I became the maid around here?" "Before we were married, " she says, sinkin' the last of the cream inher coffee--a thing she knows full well practically always enrages me. "Before we was wed, you claimed you'd do anything for me. " "A man can kid, can't he?" I says. "Don't get catty, dear, " says the wife, still featurin' that milliondollar smile. "Hurry, there goes the bell again. You really shouldput on your collar and tie before answering the door, too. " "Who d'ye think is payin' us a call--Wilson?" I says. "I ain'tsupposed to wear a dress suit in to breakfast, am I?" They is no answer from the trenches across the table, outside of themunchin' of food, and as our door bell is makin' the telephone greenwith envy from the way it was ringin', I went out and opened theportals to our flat. In comes Alex the Great, undisputed champion pest of the world. He throws his hat on the sofa, kisses the wife, pulls a chair up to thetable and reaches over for the paper. Every one of them things is surefire for gettin' my goat! "No wonder you people never get nowheres!" he remarks. "Sleepin' awayhalf the day. Here it is eleven o'clock and you just havin' breakfast!I was up at six, had a ice cold bath and walked ten miles. " "I wish you had of made it eleven!" I says. "Why?" he asks me. "Because, " I says, "that would of brung you a even two blocks past ourhouse and I could of had my breakfast in peace. " "How often have I told you that I don't come here to see you?" hesnarls. "If it wasn't for Cousin Alice, I'd never come near your flat!" "You stayed away a month once, " I says, "and she managed to keep out ofthe hospitals. " "Oh, hush!" says the wife. "You boys are always snappin' at eachother. A outsider would think you was in business together orsomething. How is everything, Alex?" "Fine!" he says, rubbin' his hands together and castin' a hungry eyeover the bacon and eggs. "I already had a breakfast fit for a king, but the early mornin' air gimme a fresh appetite. I think I couldstand a little of that bacon and--" "They's only one piece left, " I says, spearin' it with my fork. "Tryand get it!" "Will you be still?" says the wife. "We have plenty in the ice box, Alex, if you want some. " "Don't be blowin' about how much food we got in the ice box, " I says. "They may be some spies from Hoover's office around. " "That reminds me, " says Alex, makin' the best of it by devourin' allthe crackers and jam. "I expect to go to Washington this week andoffer my services to Mister Hoover. " "What was you thinkin' of doing for Mister Hoover, Alex?" says the wife. "I got a scheme for--, " he begins, when I ceased firin' on the baconand eggs and arose. "Listen!" I butts in. "I don't like to walk out in the middle of youract, Alex, but I gotta date. I have just bought a infielder fromJersey City which they tell me is a second Ty Cobb. The last guy whichcome recommended to me like that acted like hittin' the ball was afelony and he must of figured that droppin' grounders put Cobb over. Ihave give everything but the franchise for this new bird, and I wannasee right now if he's one of them things or a ball player. " "Don't make no engagements for to-night, " says the wife, "because we'regoin' to the movies with them lovely Wilkinsons. " "Who's them lovely Wilkinsons?" I says. "You could spend a year at the bottom of the ocean and never getacquainted with a fish!" says the wife. "The Wilkinsons is the peoplewhich just moved in across the hall. Her husband is a salesman for abig wholesale clothing house downtown and if you're nice to him he canprob'ly get you a raincoat or something, for a great deal differentprice than you'd pay yourself. " "Yeh, " I says. "It would no doubt cost me about ten bucks _more_, if Ibought it from him! I know them birds. That guy will gimme his cardand send me down to the foundry where he works, and they'll sell mesomethin' which has graced their shelves for the last ten years, at tenper cent over the retail price. The public will laugh me outa wearin'it and, on top of that, this guy will want the first five rows at theworld's series for doin' me the favor! Anyways, I don't need noraincoat, I got two already. " "I never seen nobody like you, " says the wife. "I'll bet you think thewar was a frame-up! Accordin' to you, nobody or nothin' is on thelevel, and the whole world and Yonkers is out to give you the work. Ihave already talked with Mister Wilkinson, which is a nice littleinnocent fellow and not a brute like you which battles night and daywith his wife, and he will have a raincoat up here for you to-morrow. " I throwed up my hands! "How much is it?" I says. "Practically nothin', " says the wife. "Forty-five dollars. " Oh, boy! "Listen!" I says, openin' the door. "Unless that bird has give you hisage in mistake for the price of the raincoat, you can tell him that ifI had forty-five bucks to hurl away like that I wouldn't wear noraincoat. I wouldn't care if it rained or not!" "It's one of the latest trench models, " says the wife. "I got two ofthem. One for myself. " "You and that lovely little Wilkinson will have to shoot craps for themthen!" I hollers. "I wouldn't let him take me for ninety bucks if--" "They are both paid for long ago, " smiles the wife, pinchin' my cheek, and pullin' the smile that used to get her photo in the magazines. "Igive him a check last week!" As unfortunately I am nothin' but human, I beat it before they wasviolence and bloodshed. I was afraid to trust myself with speech, butI managed to let off a little steam before I left by throwin' threepillows and a Rumanian beer stein at Alex, havin' caught him grinnin'at me like a idiot. It was about six hours before I got back and my temper had failed toimprove with age, havin' had a rough day at the ball park. We played adouble-header with the Phillies and lost a even two games. Both thescores sounded more like Rockefeller's income tax than anything else. Iron Man Swain pitched the first game for us and before five innin'shad come and went, I found out that the only thing iron about him washis nerve in drawin' wages as a pitcher. Everybody connected with thePhilly team but the batboy got a hit and from the way them guys runaround the bases it looked more like a six-day race than a ball game! I sent in Red Mitchel to pitch the second half of the massacre, and allhe had was a boil on his arm. As far as his offerin's was concerned, everybody on the Philly club could of been christened Home Run Baker. When he throwed the ball on the clubhouse roof tryin' to get a guynappin' off first, lettin' in two extry runs instead, I went out to thebox and removed him by hand. Ed Raymond finished the game for us, andhe's so scared we might win it that he walks the first three men andknocks the fourth guy cold with a inshoot. I didn't even stay to seethe finish--I had enough! One of the features of the day was the work of this so-called "SecondTy Cobb" at short. He come to bat eleven times in the two games andgot one hit. That was a left jab from the Philly first baseman whichgot peeved at bein' called a liar and bounced one off the Second TyCobb's ear. At fieldin' he made more errors than the Kaiser and wasjust as popular with the crowd. I give up five thousand berries and aoutfielder for him, and after them two games I couldn't of sold him asa watch charm to the manager of a high school club! From all of this you may get an idea of the sweet humor I was in when Iblowed into the flat that night. My idea was to put on the feed bag, and then go around to the corner and play a little pinochle with thegang. Like the guy which fell off Washington's Monument I was doomedto disappointment, because they was quite a little reception committeeawaitin' me. Among them present besides the wife was Alex and themlovely Wilkinsons. The lovely Wilkinsons consisted of the regular set--husband and wife. They had only been wed about three weeks, new time, and from the waythey behaved towards each other, a innocent bystander would think theyhad only staggered away from the altar a hour before. They sittogether on the sofa, three inches closer to each other than the paperis to the wall and both of them must of been palmists judgin' from theway they hung on to each other's hands. The male of the layout is ahusky kid which either come direct from one of the college footballteams or had just knocked off posin' for the lingerie ads in thesubway. The female would of been a knockout, if my wife had been inDenver, but bein' in the same room with her the best Mrs. Wilkinsoncould do was to finish a good second. They is one thing about thewife, they may be dames which can knit sweaters faster than her, butwhen it comes to bein' excitin' to gaze upon she leads the league! Idon't have to tell the world that, the world keeps tellin' it to me. This here is far from our first season as matrimoniacs, and when I saythat it still makes me dizzy to look at her, you may get a idea of howshe checks up. But to get back to them lovely Wilkinsons, they are sittin' there onthe sofa keepin' a close eye on each other, and Alex is givin' 'emeverything he's got in the line of chatter. They're both payin' thesame undivided attention to him that the Board of Aldermen inAfghanistan pays to the primaries in Bird's Nest, Va. Them babies istoo busy gazin' on each other and bein' happy, and while that stuffgets silly at times--they is worse things than that. After we have got the introductions all took care of, the wife rushesme down to Delicatessen Row to grab off some extry food on account ofthese added starters at our modest evenin' meal. I got a armful ofthese here liberty links, _née_ frankfurters, and some liberty cabbagewhich before the Kaiser went nutty was knowed as sauerkraut. Theyain't no use callin' off all the other little trinkets I got to helpmake the table look tasty, especially as Mister Hoover is liable toscan this and I don't wanna get myself in wrong, but when I got throughshoppin' I didn't have enough change left out of a five-case note tostake myself to a joyride in the subway. Just as we're goin' to the post in this supper handicap, the bellrings, and in come Eve, which same is no less than the blushin' brideof Alex. They is now so many people in the flat that for all theneighbors know I have opened up a gamblin' dive or one of them cabaretthings. Everybody is talkin', with the exception of me, which havin'sit down to eat proceeded to do so with the greatest abandon, as theguy says. Them three girls--the wife, the lovely Mrs. Wilkinson andEve, was sure some layout to have across the table, I'll tell the worldfair! They had the front row of the Follies lookin' like washwomendurin' the rush hour, and all I did was sit there and eat and wonderhow in Heaven's name they ever come to fall for a set of guys like me, Alex and the lovely Wilkinson. Well, the meal come to an end without no violence, and they was onlyone time when it seemed like boxin' gloves would be needed. Even thatwasn't exactly _my_ fault. From the general chatter of the lovelyWilkinson, I figured him as a big, fatheaded, good-lookin' boneheadwhose greatest trick so far had been marryin' his wife. He got my goata coupla times hand runnin' by dealin' himself, first, the last pieceof bread and, second, the last potato on the table. Either one of themthings would of enraged me by themselves, but pullin' 'em together wasa open dare to me to commit homicide. I laid for him for a half hourand fin'ly I get a openin'. "Mister Wilkinson is packed to the ears with ambition, " says the wifeto me across the table. "He expects to fall into a lot of money veryshortly. " "I don't see how they can be no room for him to be packed with nothin'else, " I says, "after all the meat and potatoes he put away to-night. And as far as that fallin' into a lot of money is concerned, he must befigurin' on stumblin' at the door of the mint, hey?" They is a dead silence and the lovely Wilkinson give a nervous snickerand piled up his plate with liberty links and cabbage to hide hisconfusion. Alex laughs like a hyena and Mrs. Wilkinson looks evenprettier when mad than she did when tryin' to be a charmin' guest. Thewife gimme a glance that would of killed a guy with a weaker heart andtries to laugh it off. "You mustn't mind him, " she says. "He's always kiddin' that way abouteverything. Really--I'm--I'm so angry I don't know what to do!" "I'll tell you what to do, " I says. "See if you can get the embargolifted on that food down at your end of the table and ease a littlenourishment up here!" "He oughta leave the table!" remarks Alex. "You ain't talkin' to me!" I says. "I'm wonderin' if you guys willleave the table or not. You already have eat everything else!" "That's right!" says the wife. "Go ahead and advertise the fact that Ihave married a roughneck!" "My neck must of got that way from wearin' that sweater you knit me, " Isays. "Hey, dearie?" Eve gimme a laugh, but I seen the wife was gettin' ready to bring upthe heavy artillery so I laid off. While the girls is seein' what soap and water will do to a pail ofdishes, I released some cigars and us strong men had a even strongersmoke. The lovely Wilkinson seems to have somethin' on his mind andsays practically nothin', both when he talked and when he didn't. Alexkids me about my ball team and, finely, the household cares bein'attended to in the kitchen, we all set sail for the movies. The wife calls me aside, gimme a kiss and says for me to buy thetickets. Of course after she done that I don't have to tell you whopushed the quarters in under the cashier's window. The picture we seenwas one of them forty-eight reel thrillers and was called "LunaticLily's Lover" or somethin' like that. They was a guy killed in everyreel but the first one. They was three killed in that. The picturemust of been made by the local branch of the suicide club, assisted bya lot of candidates for the insane asylum. I'll tell the world thatthe guy which wrote the scenario had at least delirium tremens. Thegirls thought it was great, but I knew better and put in my timefigurin' out on the back of a envelope how many games we had to lose tobe in last place by August. The lovely Wilkinson gets very talkative once inside the theatre. Hestarts right in on the picture and claims it's a awful thing. Everytime a guy goes over a cliff or dives off of a bridge and all thesalesladies and bankers sittin' around us gasps out loud, he speaks upand says it's all faked with a trick camera and they ain't none of themreally doin' nothin' at all. He claims he's got a friend which used tosell tickets for a movie theatre and he told him all about it. Themore stunts the hero of this picture does, the worse the lovelyWilkinson gets, and it ain't long before he has captured the goat offriend Alex, which is champion moving picture fan of the United Statesand Coney Island. When the lovely Wilkinson claims that nobody in reallife could do the tricks this movie hero was pullin' off, Alex butts in. "How do _you_ know them things can't be done?" he says. "Anybody but an idiot could see that!" says Wilkinson. "The idea oftrying to make intelligent people believe that this fellow with hishair brushed back like a rabbit's could sell one of those wealthymillionaires gold mines and the like. Why, he'd be thrown out of theoffice and--" "No wonder you ain't a success!" butts in Alex. The lovely Wilkinson shows a little spirit. "How do you know I ain't a success?" he says. "I'm making my goodtwenty-five dollars each and every week. " "Yeh?" sneers Alex. "I once heard tell of a feller which was makin'thirty, but I ain't sure of it because none of the newspapers said aword about it. " He turns around and lowers his voice on account ofsome hisses comin' from fans in the back. "Look here!" he says. "Alljokes to one side, they ain't nothin' that this feller done in thepicture that can't be done by anybody. A man can do anything he wantsto, _anything_, they ain't no limit--if he's got enough sand to fighthis way through whatever stands in his way! I don't care what thething is he wants, a man can get anything if he keeps tryin' and--" "You hate yourself, don't you?" butts in the lovely Wilkinson, peevishly. "I suppose you think _you_ could do anything--" "I do not, " says Alex. "I _know_ it! I ain't talkin' about myselfthough, I'm talkin' about you. You're a young married feller with asweet, beautiful, and, for all I know, sensible little wife. Youpeople are just startin' out, and I want to see you make good. I thinkyou got the stuff in you somewheres, but not to be rough or nothin' ofthe sort, I must say you have been a success at concealin' it so far. Twenty-five dollars a week ain't enough wages for nobody--as long asthey's somebody makin' twenty-six--understand? And if you get wherethey pay you twenty-five dollars a _minute_ instead of a week, youwanna try and make 'em think you're worth thirty! The mistake you anda lot of young fellers make is quittin' at a given point. They ain'tno point to quit! I bet when you was makin' eighteen dollars a weekyou hustled like blazes to make twenty, but when you got up totwenty-five you prob'ly told yourself that you was makin' as much asmost of the boys you knew and more than some, so why wear yourself outand slave for a fatheaded boss, eh? Right in sight of the grandstandyou blew up and quit in the stretch. I bet you think right now thatyou're makin' good because you're holdin' down the job, hey? Thatain't makin' good, that's stealin' the boss's money--petty larceny, anddeprivin' your future kids of a even chance--a felony! Give the bosseverything you got, and he'll pay for it. If he don't, get out anddive in somewheres else! They ain't no place on earth where they ain'ta openin' for a live one at any hour of the day or night!" The lovely Wilkinson says nothin'. Pretty soon and much to my delight, this here picture comes to a end, and while we're goin' out in the lobby, the lovely Wilkinson calls hiswife aside and whispers somethin' in her ear. It ain't over a secondlater that we're all invited up to the Wilkinson flat for a little biteand the like before retirin'. The girls starts a hot and no doubt interestin' argument about how manypurls make a knit and so forth, and the lovely Wilkinson, afterfidgetin' around a bit, calls us into another room. He closes the doorvery careful. "I got something very personal and very important I'd like to speak toyou about, " he says to Alex. "I'll go out on the fire escape, " I says. "No!" he says. "I want you to stay and hear this too. " He turns toAlex again. "I been thinking over what you said in the theatreto-night, " he begins, "and I guess you're pretty near right about me. However, I have a big chance now to make good and get out of thetwenty-five dollar class, only, as usual, luck is against me. " "They is no such thing as luck, " says Alex. "Forget about that luckthing, put the letter 'P' before the word and you got it! That's thefirst rule in my booklet, 'Success While You Wait. ' I must send youone. " "Thanks, " says the lovely Wilkinson. "You see, I'm a salesman for abig wholesale clothing house downtown and right at the beginning of thewar I went up to Plattsburg to try for a commission in the army. I wasrejected on account of a bad eye. While I was up there, I met ColonelWilliams, who is now practically in charge of the buying of equipmentfor the army. I've been trying for months to land the overcoatcontract for my house and last week I finally got things lined up. Ihave got to have one thousand of our storm-proof army coats inWashington by five o'clock to-morrow afternoon. At that time, ColonelWilliams will see me at the War Department and I can give him prices onvarious lots and so forth. " "Why do you have to bring that many coats down?" asks Alex. "Wouldn'ta couple be enough for a sample?" "No, " says Wilkinson. "These coats are to be given to men in acantonment near Washington, where they will get actual wear undervarying conditions. If I'm not in Washington with them at fiveto-morrow, I'll lose my chance because, the following day, men fromfour rival houses have appointments with the Colonel. " "Well, " I butts in, "what's stoppin' you from goin' to Washington?" "Nothing is stopping _me_, " he says, "but I can't get the coats downthere with me in time! The two shipments that we have sent by freighthave gone astray somewhere and, as government supplies have the rightof way over all other shipments, the express companies will notguarantee a delivery at any set time. " "But them coats are government supplies, ain't they?" says Alex. "Not yet!" says the lovely Wilkinson. "Not until they are accepted. Right now they are nothing but samples of clothing. I've gone intothat part thoroughly. " Alex gets up and walks around the room a coupla times, throwin' up asmoke screen from his cigar. Then he stops and looks at his watch. "It's now almost eleven o'clock, " he says. "Where are them coats?" The lovely Wilkinson looks puzzled. "Why, " he says. "Why--they're in our stock room at 245 Broadway. " "Can we get in there to-night?" asks Alex, reachin' for his hat. "I have a key, " says Wilkinson, "but I'm afraid I don't quite get theidea. I--" "Look here!" says Alex, very brisk. "I'm goin' to deliver you and onethousand of them overcoats outside the War Department in Washington atfive o'clock to-morrow afternoon! What will you get if you land thisorder?" The lovely Wilkinson leaps out of his chair. "Why--I--, " he splutters, "I--get fifteen per cent if--but you can'tget the coats there, it's impossible! Why--" "Never let me hear you use that word impossible' again!" snorts Alex. "Speak United States! I spent a half hour to-night tellin' you that aman can do _anything_ if he wants to. Now look here, they ain't notime to lose. I'll land you and your coats in Washington to-morrow ontime. That will cost your firm around a thousand dollars--the samebein' the price of the means of locomotion. I will take your word ofhonor that you will pay me twenty per cent of any profits you make onany order you take as a result of my efforts. Is it a bargain? Speakquick!" "If you are thinking of getting a special train, " says Wilkinson, "itcan't be--" "Yes or no!" hollers Alex. "I'll take care of the rest!" "Yes!" yells the lovely Wilkinson, jumpin' around like some of Alex'spep has entered his system. "If you put this over for me, I'll giveyou _half_ of anything I get!" "You're gonna put it over yourself!" says Alex. "Now listen to me. You grab a taxi and beat it down to your stock room. Get themovercoats ready and in about a hour I'll call there for you. We'regoin' to Washington to-night and don't be over five minutes sayin'good-by to your wife!" "But--" says Wilkinson, lookin' like Alex had him hypnotized. "Git!" bawls Alex, and slams a hat on the lovely Wilkinson's head. Well, within four minutes the lovely Wilkinson has beat it, leavin'behind a astounded and weepin' wife and Alex is on the phone callin' upthe Gaflooey Auto Company's service station and in ten minutes more hehas arranged to have a truck and a mechanic chug-chuggin' outside thehouse. Then he turns to me. "Here is another chance for you to lose some dough, " he says. "I'mgonna take Wilkinson and his trick overcoats down to Washington by wayof a auto truck. If we leave here at midnight, we got about seventeenhours to make 225 miles, that's an average of around thirteen miles ahour. The Gaflooey one-ton truck can make twenty, if chased. Ofcourse we may hit some bum roads or lose the carburetor and so forth, which might delay us some. What'll you bet I don't put this over?" I walked over to the window and looked out at New York. They is one ofthem rains fallin' that generally plays a week stand before passin' onto the next village. I figured that trip in the middle of the night, the rain and the tough goin'. "Gimme a proposition, " I says. "All right, " says Alex. "Me and Eve needs some furniture for thelibrary. I'll bet you fifteen hundred against a thousand that I getWilkinson in Washington in time to put over his deal. " "I got you, " I says. "If he gets there too late to put over anythingwith the War Department, I win--right?" "Correct!" says Alex. "And now have Cousin Alice put up somesandwiches and the like for us. I got a lot to do!" Well, at five minutes to twelve that night they was a Gaflooey truckgasolined its merry way aboard a Forty-second Street ferry. On boardit was Alex, the lovely Wilkinson, one thousand storm-proof armyovercoats and yours in the faith. I ain't liable to forget that trip for a long while to come, because Igot soaked to the skin--with water--and just missed gettin' pneumoniaby one cough. The rain kept gettin' worse and worse and it hadn't athing on the roads. We went through Trenton, N. J. , along around 4a. M. In a storm that would of made the Flood look like fallin' dew. The mud is up over the hubs of the truck, but it keeps plowin' along ata steady gait with Alex and the mechanic takin' turns at the wheel. Icrawled in under some of them one thousand overcoats at Philly and wentto sleep, the last I heard bein' the lovely and half-drowned Wilkinsoncallin' out the time every fifteen minutes and moanin', "We'll nevermake it!" Mornin' brung no let up in the rain, but the old Gaflooey truck keepsthunderin' on. Sometimes we done five miles a hour, sometimes twentyand when this big baby was goin' twenty, believe me, it was roughsleddin'! We run into a bridge at Wilmington, Del. , and at Baltimorewe bumped a Flivver off of the road, but outside of that they wasnothin' but rain and mud and the lovely Wilkinson complainin' about thedampness, like he was the only one that was gettin' a endless coldshower. It was twenty minutes of five when we rolled into the city limits ofWashington and I'll tell the world we was a rough lookin' bunch. Alexis grinnin' from ear to ear and slappin' Wilkinson on the back and thisguy has perked up a bit, though wishin' out loud that he was home withcoffee, bacon and eggs and Mrs. Wilkinson. I am cursin' the day thatever brung Alex into our family circle and wonderin' if death by doublepneumonia is painful. The mechanic is fallin' asleep at the wheel, wakin' himself up from time to time with shots out of a flask and oflemon ice-cream sodas or something he had on his hip. We stopped in front of the War Department and Alex says we betterstraighten up ourselves and the overcoats before callin' on ColonelWilliams. At that, the mechanic falls off the seat and dives into arestaurant and we go back to look at the coats. "If any of us had any brains, " says Alex, jerkin' a coat off the pile, "we would all of worn one of these here things and kept nice anddry--_Sufferin mackerel_!" he winds up all of a sudden. Me and the lovely Wilkinson swings around and there's Alex holdin' upthe coat. Oh, boy!!!!! This here storm-proof army coat, which Wilkinson hoped to unload on theU. S. Army, just simply fell apart in his hands! He grabbed anotherand another--and they're all alike. The rain has took all the colorouta them, they have shrunk till they is hardly enough cloth toaccommodate the buttons and the linin's, which was supposed to beleather, has fell right to shreds from the water. All in all, they wasnothin' but a mess of soggy, muddy rags which no self-respectin' junkdealer would of took for a gift! The lovely Wilkinson's face is a picture. He's as pale as the mornin'cream and I thought for a minute he was gonna bust out cryin'. Icouldn't help feelin' sorry for the kid, but when I thought of thatwild night ride through the rain and mud to bring this bunch of garbageto Washington, I wanted to laugh out loud! And then I remember Alexbettin' me Wilkinson would take the order, and I haw-hawed myselfsilly, right there in the street. "Shut up!" barks Alex, swingin' around on me. "This here is far from alaughin' matter. It's pretty serious business!" He turns to Wilkinsonand shakes him by the shoulder. "Young man, " he snaps, "is that thekind of stuff you were goin' to put on our boys which fought for you inFrance?" Wilkinson is lookin' at the coats like they fascinated him. "Why--why this is terrible!" he stammers, fin'ly. "They toldme--why--Good Heavens, you don't think _I_ knew these things were madeup like this, do you?" Alex studies him for a minute. "No, " he says, "I don't! You don't look like you'd do that, anyways. What's the name of your firm?" "Gerhardt and Schmidt, " says Wilkinson. "I know it sounds German, butboth members of the firm have been naturalized and--" "Never mind that, " says Alex. "Even if it wasn't no worse than ascheme to clean up on a government contract, I think the Secret Servicewill be interested in seein' them coats!" The lovely Wilkinson sits right down on the curb and buries his face inhis hands. "Good night!" he moans. "I'm done for now. I thought this was goingto be a big thing for me and--" Alex slaps him on the back. "No whinin', " he says. "We're still in Washington--you can't tell whatmight happen yet. " "You can gimme that fifteen hundred berries right now if you want, Alex, " I says, "because I'm gonna grab the next train for Manhattan. This is _one_ that beat you and--" "Ssh!" says the lovely Wilkinson, jumpin' up suddenly. "Here comesColonel Williams himself!" We looked around and sure enough there's two army officers walkin' overto the War Department. When they got opposite us, Wilkinson braceshimself and steps forward. "Pardon me, Colonel, " he says. "I'm Mister Wilkinson of Gerhardt andSchmidt. I had an appointment with you to-day at five to show youthose army coats. " The Colonel looks at him. "Oh, yes, " he says, very pleasant. "Just step inside, MisterWilkinson. I'll see you in my office. You are very prompt. You musthave been caught in the downpour--you're soaking wet. " "Yes, sir, " says Wilkinson. "I--ah--Colonel, I don't think there's anyuse of me stepping into your office. " "Eh--why not?" says the Colonel. Wilkinson turns several of the popular colors. "I--ah--the fact is, " he says, "our coat is not what the United Statesgovernment wants, Colonel. I didn't know it at the time I solicitedthe contract--I--I've just found it out. We brought the requirednumber of coats down here by auto truck, not being able to get themhere on time by freight or express. The trip was made in yesterday'sstorm and"--he points to the mess on the truck--"there's the coats!" The Colonel examines a couple of them soggy rags and he gets verysevere. I heard him say somethin' that sounded like "Damn!" a coupleof times, and then he turns to Wilkinson. "This is a matter for the Department of Justice, " he says. "You willleave the truck and its load right here, Mister Wilkinson, and I'llpersonally see that it's taken care of. Your action in coming directto me with this evidence is commendable. You may telegraph your firmthat the United States government is holding this shipment forinvestigation. I'm sorry for your sake that this happened, as I hadall but made up my mind to give you the contract. If you desire to seeme further, I'll be in my office until six. " With that he stamps away. The other officer who was with him has beenwalkin' around the Gaflooey truck all the time and examin' it like it'sthe first auto he ever seen in his life. "Pardon me, " he says to Wilkinson, "did I understand you to say thatyou made the trip from New York yesterday in the storm on this truck?" "Yes, sir, " says Wilkinson. The officer pulls out a notebook. "What time did you leave New York?" he asks, very businesslike. Wilkinson tells him. Then the officer asks if we had any trouble, howmuch gas and oil we used, what was our average speed and a millionother things. Alex's eyes begin to dance around, and he winks at melike there's somethin' in the air. Fin'ly the officer walks away, after thankin' the lovely Wilkinson for the information. "Now!" hollers Alex, grabbin' Wilkinson's arm. "You win!" "Win?" moans Wilkinson. "I'll be lucky if I don't go to jail!" "You're crazy!" bellers Alex, gettin' more and more excited. "You hadnothin' to do with this thing--you didn't know the coats was no good. Forget about that, the thing is you got a chance right now to put overa bigger thing than them overcoats. You come here to make a sale, didn't you? All right, go to it! That officer is connected with thepurchasin' department of the government, and he wasted a lot of timetalkin' to you about that truck. Do you realize what a wonderful thingthat was to get down here O. K. In that terrible storm yesterday?No--_you_ don't, but _he_ did! Right now he's got that there truck onhis mind. Go after him before he gets inside the buildin' and makeyour sale!" "But, " says Wilkinson, kinda dazed, "what have I got to sell? Theovercoats are--" "Damn the overcoats!" hollers Alex. "Sell him the truck that brought'em down--they ain't nothin' wrong with that! If it's good enough fora trip like that, it's good enough for the army, ain't it? Hurry upand make an appointment with him for to-day, and I'll get you thefigures on the Gaflooey truck for a hundred or a million--I know 'em byheart!" "By Heavens, I'll chance it!" says Wilkinson, and runs after theofficer. Comin' up on the train that night I sit in the smoker and write Alex mycheck for a thousand berries. They was no two ways about it as heshowed me, because he had bet he would make Wilkinson put over a salein Washington. He didn't say _what_ he had to sell. The lovelyWilkinson, which has sent about five dollars' worth of night letters tohis wife, is sittin' on the other side, delirious with joy and with aorder in his pocket for one thousand Gaflooey trucks as per the one wecome down in. Alex had wired the Gaflooey people and had Wilkinsonappointed a salesman for the Washington territory on hisrecommendation. Them guys would do anything for Alex, because he put'em on the map. With telegraphed credentials from New York, the restwas a cinch for even the lovely Wilkinson, because the truck solditself! "They is only one thing that beats me, " I says to Alex before we turnin on the sleeper. "Why didn't _you_ sell the truck and make all thedough yourself?" "Its a good thing you don't need brains in your game, " says Alex, "oryou and Alice would starve! I wanted Wilkinson to make the sale all byhimself, because it will give him confidence, and then, again, he'lladvertise me. I get half of his commission, I grab a bonus from theGaflooey people for helpin' the sale along and then there's thatthousand bucks of yours, which I would of lost if I sold the trucksmyself. Also, I have put Mister Wilkinson over, and that's what Istarted out to do!" "You win!" I says. "I don't see how you get away with it. It's pastme!" "Huh!" says Alex. "They ain't no trick to it at all--why say, even_you_ could of done it!" CHAPTER VI THE LITTLE THINGS DON'T COUNT They's many a guy clutterin' up a pay roll for about thirty bucks aweek, which has got more brains than his boss has income tax. When hewent to school they wasn't a day that some other kid didn't wannamurder him because he got 100 in arithmetic and the like. He passed onto high school and even invaded college, where he dumfounded all inhearing with his knowledge of--everything! When he was fin'ly turnedloose on a helpless world, he was so far ahead of his class that theyheld special services for him and had the regular one the next day. Now the dope oughta be that this marvel of intelligence should be downin Wall Street now, tellin' J. P. Morgan and etc. That the next timethey come in late for work he'd fire 'em. Well, about once in tenthousand times this is true. Usually, however, this guy is the birdthat takes your card at the office door and says, "Sit down, Mr. Morgan's fifth assistant secretary will see you in a moment. " And thenthe head bookkeeper rings a bell and this guy says, "Yes, sir, " andjumps! They is a reason for this, the same as for everything else outside ofthe Kaiser. The swell-dressed assassin with the ladies, which writessuch beautiful figures and knows offhand how much is thirty-three timeseighty, is fast joinin' the list of non-essential industrials. Theygot a machine now which can count better than him, and don't try tomake no date with the stenographer, either! He thinks his boss is aboob, because said boss is a little bit in doubt as to what day of theweek Napoleon joined the army, and he wonders how in heaven's name aguy as stupid as that ever got as far as he did. The answer to thatone is easy. While _he_ was memorizin' the fact that A plus C equalsX, his _boss_ was figurin' how to hire a brainy guy like him to counthis dough! The wife and I are about to set sail for the movies one night, when ourFrench maid from the Bronx admits a interruption by the name of Alex. "Well, " he says, kidnappin' my goat by treatin' himself to one of mypet cigars, "I have run across another feller which I am on the vergeof makin' a success. I've studied his case carefully and all he needsis to be set on the right track to bust all speed records. " "Where did you meet this second-story man?" I says. "He ain't no burglar, " says Alex; "he's some kind of a bookkeeper, andhe's got one of the sweetest little girls in love with him you everseen!" "I thought you was married, " I says. "Now, " says Alex, snubbin' me as usual, "I want to bring him up here todinner to-morrow night and have you meet him as he is at present. In ashort time later I'll bring him back again, and if he hasn't madehimself a success, I'll buy you all the best dinner you ever eat!" "Listen!" I says. "As Hoover says, 'Food will win the war--don't eatit!' Don't be invitin' no more guys up here to dinner. It's toughenough to have to feed _you_ three or four times a week, without youringin' in these guys which acts like I win them steaks and chops in araffle. Now I'm goin' to the movies. They's a five-reeler down at thecorner called 'She Give Her Soul!' and they ain't no man gonna keep mefrom seein' that to-night. " "Come along with us, Alex, " chimes in the wife. "A couple of my girlfriends which used to be in the Winter Garden with me is in thispicture and I'm crazy to see them!" "Hmph!" snorts Alex. "Anybody is crazy which pays money to look atthem fool movin' pictures. If I had my way, they'd all be stoppedand--" "Lillian Dish is in this one, " butts in the wife. "Have you seen herlately?" "No!" says Alex, jumpin' up. "By mackerel, I haven't! Hurry up, we'llbe late--you people is never in time for anything! Lillian Dish, hey?Say! Did you see her in 'What's a Wife?' She was great! Why I--" I dragged the both of them out. Promptly at seven the next night Alex comes up with his new-foundfriend. I let forth a groan and told the maid to lay a couple moreplates, but to slice everything as thin as possible without cuttin' herhands. The stranger was a tall, slim bird which wouldn't have beenbad-looking if he hadn't been so serious. He acted like it was afelony to smile, and got my name wrong the first four times he repeatedit. Well, after the sound of clashin' knives and forks had died away, thewife dolls all up and goes over to visit the hero which wed Alex; andus strong men repairs to the parlor, where the cigars clink merrily andthe like. The stranger's name turned out to be S. Jared Rushton, and after awhile I figured the "S" stood for "Silly. " This guy knowed more aboutfigures than the stage manager at the Follies. He was a hound fornumbers, dates and etc. He had a better memory than a loan shark, anda encyclopedia would look stupid alongside of him. No matter what thesubject was, this guy knowed more about it than the bird which wrote itand would butt in with the figures to prove it. Fin'ly, when I strucka match and he tells me they is 9, 765, 543 of them used in New Yorkevery fiscal year, I went out into the kitchen for air! [Illustration: I struck a match and he tells me they is 9, 765, 543 ofthem used in New York every fiscal year. ] At first it was kinda interestin' and entertainin' to get the insidedope on _everything_ at practically no cost, but they is such a thingas bein' _too_ clever; and when it become impossible to speak ofanything on earth from bankin' to beer, without this bird buttin' inwith all the figures on it, I got enough! I tried to yawn him intogoin' home, and he notices I got two bum teeth. That furnished himwith a scenario for tellin' me that every year 490, 517 people istreated by dentists in New York alone, and I says I can't help it andhe mustn't of got a wink or sleep the night he counted 'em. "Oh, " he says, "it's very simple. I carry all those figures in myhead. " "Why not?" I says. "They's plenty of room there!" He looked kinda peeved; but before he could come back at me, Alex takesthings in hand. "Jared, " he says, "you are certainly a educated citizen. With all theminterestin' facts and figures in your head you must be very valuable tothe firm you work for, hey?" Jared throws out what chest he had with him. "Well, " he says, "I saved the Hamilton Construction Company just$6, 547. 98 last year by cutting down the excessive use of lead pencilsand blotters alone!" "That's fine!" says Alex. "No doubt they give you a handsome bonus forthat, hey?" "Of course, " says Jared. "They raised my salary to thirty-five dollarsa week. I was only getting thirty-two and a half. " "You saved them six thousand last year and they raised you about ahundred and thirty, eh?" says Alex. "Now, listen! Why couldn't youhave made that six thousand for _yourself_ just as easy?" "Why--I--why--" stammers Jared. "I have no chance to make anything butmy salary. I'm simply working there, and--" "And you always will be, if you don't get wise to yourself!" butts inAlex. "Your boss--" "My boss, eh?" sneers Jared. "Say, he hasn't got the brains of a gnat!He'd be absolutely up in the air if I wasn't at his elbow with data andestimates on everything. He doesn't know anything, and--" "No, I guess not!" butts in Alex, with a odd grin. "He don't knowanything--only how to make money! Say, listen! If this boss of yoursis such a boob, what must _you_ be? You're _workin'_ for him, ain'tyou? Why should he have any brains, when he can rent yours forthirty-five dollars a week? Now, listen to me, son. You know a littleabout everything on earth, with the slight exception of yourself! Thefigures that should interest you more than anything else is these: Forevery dollar _you_ make, your boob boss is makin' a thousand. Everfigure them statistics along with the other stuff?" Jared registers embarrassment. "Look here!" he says. "I really don'tsee the reason of all this. I consider myself quite successful. I maynot be making a million a week, but I'm always sure of my job, andthat's quite a lot!" "You're always sure of your job, hey?" bawls Alex. "That's the sloganof the quitter! 'I'm gettin' my little old salary fifty-two weeks ayear, and that's good enough for me. ' That's the motto of the loser. "With that he jumps up and sticks his face so close to Jared I thoughthe was gonna bite him or the like. "What about the future?" hehollers. "You must have brains, or you couldn't of collected that massof junk in your dome. You got a million dollars' worth of salablestuff from the top of your collar to the crown of your derby and you'repeddlin' it away for thirty-five a week. I'll bet right now you couldproduce a scheme for gettin' a quarter that would be unbeatable, legitimate, and successful. But if you was asked to dope out a schemefor gettin' twenty-five thousand dollars, the size of the figures alonewould knock that thinker of yours cold! You can't think that big. Your mind's all cluttered up with little things. It's a junk pile. The same concentration and perseverance on some one _big_ thing wouldput you over--and if you don't believe it, ask your boob boss, whichundoubtedly did just that and is now keepin' you!" "That's all rot!" remarks Jared. "There's about one chance in amillion of getting over in New York. You've got to get in right, andeven then it's largely a matter of luck! If I was ever asked, I'd tellevery young man to keep away from New York. The town's too big! Itswallows you up and you're buried there till--" Zam!!! Alex bounces outa his chair and shakes his finger under Jared'snose. "That's not true!" he hollers. "Listen to me, young feller! I camehere a short time ago with one-tenth of the ability that you got. NewYork looked as cold and hard to me as it does to any rube that slinksin from the outlands, crazy with the desire to capture it. But insteadof drivin' me back to the dear old farm, the tough conditions here_attracted_ me. That is, takin' for granted your statement that theyare tough, which I don't believe. I know that a man with the genuinegoods can deliver them here at top price quicker than any other placeon earth. " "But wait!" interrupts Jared, seemin' to catch some of Alex's pep. "Your case was exceptional. You must admit--" "I don't admit nothin'!" roars Alex. "Suppose your argument is true. Let's say the chances for success here _are_ slim. All right, fine!That's what made _me_ stick! Your own argument makes New York _the_place to make good in. If there's satisfaction in winnin' over one manor a thousand, think of a hard-won square victory over six millions!Why, boy, the very quality of the competition here keeps a man on histoes and, if he makes good _here_, he's _done_ somethin'!" Well, believe me, when Alex wound up that speech they was so much pepin the room I felt like goin' out and tellin' Rockefeller I'd forgotmore about the oil game than he ever knew! Jared looks kinda dazed andAlex never gives him a chance to get set. "How about--ah--Miss Evans?" he says; "have you thought about her?" "See here!" busts out Jared. "We won't discuss Mab--er--Miss Evans. " Alex grins. "That's fine!" he says. "I'm glad you got some spirit left; they'shope for you yet! Let's see, " he goes on, like they had been nointerruption at all, "how long have you known Miss Evans?" "Over a year, " says Jared. "But I don't see what--" Alex points a finger at him. "You love her, don't you?" he barks out. "Of course I do!" mumbles Jared, like he's answering without knowin' it. "Then why don't you marry her?" Jared stares at him like he's in a trance. "_Marry_ her?" he gasps. "Marry her? Why if I ever asked her _that_, she wouldn't even let me call on her any more!" "You're crazy!" remarks Alex pleasantly. "Now listen, son! You beengoin' around with that girl over a year, and if she didn't reciprocateyour feelin' for her, you wouldn't of lasted that long. Jared, oldboy, a year is too long to monopolize a girl without declarin'yourself! You're spoilin' her chances, and it's dead wrong! They isplenty of other young men which would give their left eye to take herto the movies and the like, but they're layin' off because, havin'always seen her with you, they take it for granted they is no chance. That's fine right now for both of you; but if anything should arisethat would make you two part, it won't be as easy for her to replaceyou. Now you need a incentive, and a strong one, to put you across. They is no bigger incentive on earth than matrimony. Go to her andask--" "One minute!" butts in Jared. "I never was talked to like this in mylife before, and why I'm permitting you to discuss my personal affairs, I don't know. As long as I am, I'll go through with it. What you saymay be true, but this girl is different, and--" "Jared, " says Alex, "I don't doubt that she's different, but, nevertheless, she's a member of the well-known female sex, and I'mbasin' my dope on that! I'll tell you what I'll do with you. You askMiss Evans to marry you, and, if she refuses, I'll give you a jobmyself for fifty dollars a week; fifteen more than you get now. If sheaccepts, you gotta raise yourself by your own efforts to fifty dollarsa week within six months, or go to work for me for twenty. Now if yougot some red blood in you, let's see it!" Well, Jared gets up and walks around the room for a minute and fin'lyhe comes over and holds out his hand to Alex. "You're on!" he says. "Only, I'll say this: If Mabel--er--Miss Evans, accepts me, I'll be so happy that I won't be good for _any_thing for amonth. If she refuses me, I'll _never_ be any good any more! However, I'll try it. Perhaps I've been asleep. I don't know. But if thisgirl ever marries me--" He stops and bangs his fists on the table. "Oh, boy!!!!" he winds up. Just then they is a ring at the telephone. The maid makes a entranceand claims Mr. Jared Rushton is wanted. In about five minutes, Jaredcomes back and apologizes. "My boss, Mr. Hamilton, " he says. "I've always got to let him knowwhere he can get in touch with me after office hours. I gave him yourphone number before I came here to-night. " He turns to Alex. "That'swhat it is to be a valuable man, " he says. "The boss wants me to getall the data together for an estimate on one of the biggest contractswe've ever had a whack at. That means I'll be up all night, so I'llhave to leave now. Our four big contract experts are scattered 'roundthe country and the boss will have to go after this one himselfto-morrow. There will be a conference at the Hotel Dubois, and--" Alex jumps up, his eyes flashin'. "Why can't _you_ go after that contract?" he shoots out. Jared looks like he's been hit on the chin. "_Me_?" he stammers. "Why--why--" "Why, why, nothin'!" butts in Alex. "Here's a chance for you to showMiss Evans, your boss, and the rest of the world what's in you. Ifyour boss calls on you for the figures in this thing, then you mustknow more about it than he does, or anybody else in the office. Canyou get him on the phone?" "But--but I have never sold anything in my life!" says Jared. "Youdon't understand this thing at all. It requires experience and--oh, it's silly to even think of it! Why--" "Yeh?" butts in Alex. "What's his number?" He rushes to the phone. "Say, listen--please!" pleads Jared; "it's not a bit regular and--why, he'd fire me out of hand if I ever did anything like this!" "The number!" bawls Alex, with the receiver off the hook. "Riverside 33, 312, " stammers Jared, wringin' his hands. "But lookhere, you mustn't--" Alex gets the number and Jared falls back in a chair, and mutterssomethin' about bein' ruined for life. In another minute, Alex isannouncin' to somebody that Mr. Jared Rushton wishes to speak to Mr. Hamilton on a matter of the greatest importance. Jared lets forth awail like a dyin' fish or the like, and then Alex grabs him by the arms. "Now, go to it!" he says. "Tell him you want a chance at this contractyourself. Say you know more about it than anyone else and have beenplannin' the thing for weeks. You don't _think_ you can land thiscontract--you _know_ it!" "But, " wails Jared, "I _don't_ know--" Alex shoves him over to the phone. Well, the funniest conversation you, I, or anybody else ever heardbegins right then and there. Jared starts off kinda weak and tremblin'and I felt sorry for him, because from his answers it looked like acinch that he was fired. Pretty soon he gets a little stronger, and ina few minutes he was talkin' like the boss was workin' for _him_! Theonly way I can figure it is that Alex had hopped him up so much that hegot to where he believed himself that he was the only man on earth thatcould land this contract. When Jared says if he don't get this chancehe's gonna quit his job right then and there and the boss can lookelsewhere for the estimate figures, I almost fell off the couch, andAlex does a war dance. Bang! Jared slams down the receiver and swings around on Alex. "Well, " he snaps out, "you've done it! I am to be at the Hotel Duboisat eleven to-morrow to meet the representatives of one of the biggeststeel concerns in the country. I'm to take from them a contractrunning into millions. If I don't get it, I'm fired. If I do getit--well, there's no use talking about that part of it, because Iwon't!" With that he sinks into a chair and buries his head in his hands. Alexkeeps right on top of him. "Fine!" he says, rubbin' his hands together. "Now call up Miss Evansand ask her to marry you!" "What?" shrieks Jared, bouncin' up from his chair. "What is this? Anightmare? You've already probably cost me my job, and now you want towreck my happiness! I was a fool to listen to you. I--" "Sure!" says Alex. "Let's get her on the phone right away. " Jared looks wildly around the room and grabs for his hat. Alex pusheshim back in a chair. "Now, you listen to me!" he snarls, all the grin gone from him. "Youare at this minute facin' the biggest thing that's ever come into yourthirty-five-dollar-a-week life. You got a chance now to rise above themob. You also got a chance to marry what is the greatest girl in theworld, accordin' to your own admission. If you ask her to marry you_before_ you go after this contract and she accepts you, think of theconfidence you'll have! Why, boy, if this girl says she'll marry you, they ain't nothin' in New York can stop you from goin' over the top!Go on! You're all worked up now--go to it before you get cold!" Jared grabs up the phone receiver, pale as a ghost. "By heavens!" he says. "I--you--if--Gimme Morningside 77, 638, quick!" Alex closes the door and pulls me into the other room. "That there's gonna be private, " he says. "Where did you meet this Miss Evans?" I says. "H'mph!" grunts Alex. "I never seen the girl in my life! Jared simplytold me about her, that's all!" "Well, " I says, "you certainly have balled things up. They ain't adoubt in my mind but that you've made that poor boy lose his job; andas far as I can see you're gonna make him lose his girl, too! I'd hateto be you when he staggers away from that phone!" "Yeh?" grins Alex. "Well, I'll tell you somethin': As long as I'mgoin' to all this trouble, I might as well get somethin' outta it. I'll bet you ten thousand to five the girl marries him and he lands thecontract. If he loses either one, or both, you win!" "Write it!" I says. He hain't no more than handed the thing over to me, when in comesJared. His face is all flushed and he acts like a guy walkin' in hissleep. "I know neither of you will believe it, " he says, in a far-away voice. "In fact, I think I'm dreaming, myself!" "What did she say?" demands Alex, shakin' him. "She said yes!" hollers Jared, in a voice that must of woke up sleepersin Kansas City. "Let me have my hat, I want to go over to her rightaway!" "Well, what do you think of my dope now, hey?" says Alex. "I'll never be able to thank you for what you've done for me!" saysJared, holdin' out his hand. "Why, just imagine! This wonderful girlis going to be my wife and I had no more idea--Why, this girl is asdifferent from any other as--But you wouldn't understand--" "I understand perfect!" says Alex, shakin' his hand. "And now the nextthing is that contract, which should be a cinch for you after what youjust done. Go over and see her now, but don't forget them figures onthe--" "Contract?" butts in Jared, jammin' on his hat. "What's a contract tome now? I'm going to marry the greatest girl in the world, man! Canyou imagine her accepting me! Oh, boy!!!!!" With that he does a few little fancy steps around the room, throwing atwenty-dollar pillow at Alex and a book at me. This here's a new angle, and Alex grabs him. "Look here!" he says. "I know you're in a hurry, so I don't want tohold you up now; but you wanna recover from this here till you landthat contract! You'll lose your job if you don't, and you ain't gonnastart off married life outta work, are you?" "I should worry!" sings Jared, still one-steppin' about the room. "Ican get another job--forty of 'em! I can get anything at all, now. She's going to marry me, she's going to marry me!" [Illustration: "She's going to marry me, she's going to marry me!"] He dashes for the door, and Alex runs after him. "What time is the appointment with the big steel men?" he shrieks inhis ear. "What's a big steel man to me?" asks Jared, struggling to get away. "What's anything? I'll bet she would have accepted me long ago if--" "What time is that conference?" howls Alex. "I care not!" sings Jared, throwing the phone book up in the air, and aidiotic grin at me. "I'm going to have a quiet wedding and--" I thought Alex was gonna choke him! Personally, I developed a bad case of the hystericals. "The time?" screams Alex. "Eleven o'clock, " says Jared. "Will you promise me on your word of honor to meet me at that hotel atten to-morrow, in view of what I done for you?" says Alex. "Sure!" hollers Jared. "I'll promise anything! Look what's beenpromised to me!" With that he breaks away from Alex and dives out the door. Alex comes back and sinks down into a chair, wipin' off his feveredbrow with a handkerchief. "That baby is a plain nut!" I remarks. "Whew!" pants Alex. "I started somethin' now, that's sure! Still, Idon't blame the boy. I felt the same way when Eve claimed she'd wedme, and I guess you did too when Alice went temporarily insane andbrung you into the family. If I can keep him keyed up to that pitchto-morrow, he'll land that contract, and I'll land your five thousand!" "He won't land nothin'!" I says. "He's gone nutty now, and you'll belucky if he shows up at all. This here's _one_ bet I win!" "Yeh?" snaps Alex, gettin' up and reachin' for his hat. "D'ye wannatake five thousand more of it?" "No!" I says. "Good night!" At nine forty-five the next mornin', which is practically the middle ofthe night for me, Alex comes around and drags me outta bed. He sayshe's goin' down and watch Jared put the contract over and he wants mealong to witness the losin' of my bet. We are in the lobby of the hotel gettin' ready to have Jared paged, when along he comes with some dame he must have kidnapped from theFollies when Ziegfield was busy countin' up the receipts or somethin'. I'll tell the world fair she was _some_ girl. She's lookin' at Jared like he was the eleventh wonder of the world, and he's gazin' back at her like she was the other ten. "Hello!" hollers Alex, grabbin' Jared's hand and makin' believe it's apump handle. "Congratulations! I wish I felt as happy as both youfolks look!" "You couldn't!" says Jared, still with that dazed look on his face. "This is my future wife, gentlemen. We're on our way down for thelicense now. Come on along as witnesses. We're going to be marriedright--" "What about that steel contract?" Alex butts in. "Did you get thefigures all together last night?" "I did not!" says Jared. "What do I care about a steel contract? Ilanded a bigger contract than that, and--" "Pardon me, " interrupts the girl, with her million-dollar smile. "Whatis this contract regarding the steel?" Alex tells her the whole dope from start to finish, and when he getsthrough the girl turns to Jared and says the followin': "Well, dear, I suppose this horrid old business could wait, but justrun up and land that contract for a--a--wedding gift for me! Itshouldn't take you very long. I'll wait here for you. " Oh, boy!!! Talkin' about "just runnin' up and landin'" amillion-dollar contract like she was sendin' him for stamps or the like! "All right, honey, " says Jared; "I'll be down in five minutes!" They was _fifteen_ minutes partin'. Alex and Jared and I got in the elevator, and on the way up Jaredtalked about nothin' else but his comin' marriage. When Alex tried tobutt in and ask regardin' the estimate for this steel job, Jared getspeevish and says that will be a cinch and is practically over with; butwhat's worryin' him is the best place to go for a honeymoon! We are met at the door of the room by a little bald-headed guy, andJared introduces himself. The little guy looks at us and says hepresumes we are Jared's associates--whatever that is. Before Jared candeny the charge, Alex presents him with a kick on the shins and says weare all of that. Inside, they is a long table and four more guys sittin' at it. Theyall look like Wall Street and large money, and the table is coveredwith papers. Jared sits down and begins hummin' "Here Comes theBride, " and we sit down beside him. One guy gets up and says they havetalked with five big contractors already, and they ain't made up theirmind which bid to accept. If Jared can show them somethin' better thanthey've seen, the order is all his. Jared pulls out his watch and getsup. "Gentlemen, " he says, "I have an appointment with my future wife infive minutes. I will be on time! I don't know what these otherfellows have offered to do for you, but I'll say this: We can erectyour plant for exactly $1, 789, 451. 92. That's our lowest price, and ifwe talked all day I couldn't take off a cent! My concern is known allover the country for the sterling quality of workmanship and materialsit employs on every job, whether it's the erection of a lamp post or acity--and we've done both! We will be pleased to list you among thethousands of our satisfied patrons. " With that he reaches for his hat and would of been out of the door, ifAlex hadn't held him back with a look. "But, " says one guy, "your figures are more than ten thousand dollarsover your nearest competitor's. How about that?" Jared is starin' out the window. "I figure we can get a nice flat in the Bronx for about eighty amonth, " he says, half to himself. "What do you pay?" he finishes, turnin' to Alex. Alex says nothin', and the five guys look at each other kinda funny. "When could your firm begin work?" asks one of them. "Immediately!" says Jared. "I'm going to use your phone here for aminute and telephone my future wife. She's downstairs waiting and willbe worried sick--I said I'd be right back!" He walks across the room, while them guys all stare after him like they're in a trancethemselves. "Still, " mutters Jared, "she mightn't like to live in theBronx at that!" While he's on the phone, the five guys puts their heads together andhas a whispered conference. By the time he's finished, so are they. "Mr. Rushton, " says the little guy, gettin' up and clearin' his throat, "we have decided to give you the contract. Your methods ofsalesmanship are somewhat unusual--but they may be due to your extremeconfidence, which anybody can see is the right kind of stuff in thatline and--" The little guy goes on with a lot of talk about figures, to which Alexand me listens respectfully and Jared don't listen at all. And fin'lythe little guy says again that they're gonna give Jared the contract, and mebbe, if his future wife is waiting-- "Thanks!" says Jared. "She _is_ waiting and--" "Shall we draw up the contract now?" butts in Alex. "They's a notaryon this floor. " In half a hour we are down in the lobby again, havin' had to hold Jaredby main force long enough to sign this thing. The first guy we bumpinto is his boss! "Where have _you_ been?" he hollers at Jared. "I suppose you'vebotched everything all up. I'll be the laughing stock of New York!Where are those figures for that steel contract?" Jared looks at him for a minute like, Who is this person? Then hereaches into his pocket and pulls out the contract. "Here's your old contract!" he says. "I'm going to take a month off. I'm going to get married. When I come back I want seventy-five dollarsa week to start and a job as head of the contract department. And, also--don't never yell at me like that again. " I thought his boss would die of apoplexy then and there. He stares atJared, snatches the contract, reads a few lines--and then I got theidea he was gonna kiss all of us! "My boy, you're a wonder!" he says. "I always knew you had the stuffin you! I'll discuss--the--er--the matter of your salary when you comeback. " "We'll finish it right now!" butts in Jared. "I don't want nothingworrying me while I'm on my honeymoon. Do I get that or don't I?" "But, " stammers the boss, "your commission on that contract alone willrun--" "Yes or no!" says Jared very cold. "Yes!" says the boss, with a sigh that could be heard in Harlem. "Nowonder you landed that contract if you went after them that way! I'vebeen asleep!" "No, " says Jared, "I've been doing the dreaming. " CHAPTER VII ART IS WRONG Every time some guy goes over the top to notoriety and money in thismovie called life, they is some 5, 678, 954 also rans which wags theirheads from side to side and says, "Well--no wonder. He was born thatway and couldn't help himself!" Then, they go back to their dub jobsand wish they was lucky. That stuff is all wrong! A guy may be born with different color hairfrom the next guy, but he's never born with any secret of success thatthe kid in the adjoinin' crib ain't got. All you need to be born within order to get the world familiar with your last name is the usualnumber of arms, legs and etc. And a mad habitual yearnin' to make goodthat a sudden hypodermic of success don't kill. Anything but failureis possible to a hustler, and by a hustler I don't mean one of thembreezy birds which makes a lotta noise, thinks they is only one letterin the alphabet and that's the one after "H, " but the guy which takessetbacks as encouragement and quits tryin' the day the undertaker iscalled in. They's many a big artist whose ancestors thought paint was used for thesides of barns only, they's many a famous actor whose father figuredShakespeare was the name of a puddin', they's many a big league authorcome from families which confined their readin' matter to the citydirectory, and so it goes all along the line--Columbus's old man was acotton picker. You don't inherit success, you take it by force, usin'your ambition, nerve and ability as the weapons. The above information was handed on to me by Alex. He says Broadway istoo narrow and Vermont moonlight had it lookin' dark at night and hethen proceeds to wed one of the prettiest girls that ever looked overthe Winter Garden footlights--she makes homemade bread now, too! Thefirst time he went to the Metropolitan Opera House he claims he'd likegrand opera if they wouldn't sing and when does the acrobats come out, yet the next week he's able to take a apartment on Riverside Drive. This here is just a few of the things Alex done to break up the dullmonotony of life in a burg where that and death is mere incidents. The wife and I is sittin' together in the parlor one night and she'sknittin' a sweater for me that will prob'ly make me off her for life, whilst I'm readin' aloud to her from the only novel in which true loveand the like don't win out in the end. It's called "Simpson'sUniversal Educator" and the subject we are on is how wet is thePacific, or some such hot stuff as that. They is a ring at the belland the wife grabs the book outa my hand and slings about thirtydollars' worth of wool over my arms. [Illustration: She's knittin' a sweater for me that will prob'ly makeme off her for life. ] "Sit up straight, " she says, "and look interested in this! You'rehelpin' me knit--get that? Look as if you like it and the minute thedoor opens call me dear. " "What's the idea?" I says, sittin' there with my arms out straight andstiff before me like a doll or the like. "I don't get--" "Sssh!" she whispers. "That's probably Ruth Hopper and her husband. She's trying to get him to quit playing pinochle all night and shewants to show him what a ideal husband does. " "A pinochle fiend, hey?" I says. "Well, lead him on! We got a littlegame down at the corner and he'll just make up the set. It's gettin'around time for me to leave anyways. I been in a half hour now and--" Well, at that moment our charmin' maid leads in no less than Alex andhis wife Eve. Speakin' of good lookers, this dame would make Morganforget about Wall Street, and she's wearin' a dress that must of putsome Fifth Avenue store over. But the wife begins bein' pleasant togaze upon and a delight to the naked eye where Eve leaves off. Why, she's got a movie contract which she holds over my head every time Istay out till ten o'clock and the like. Them two dames in the one roomis more than the average guy can stand and how they ever come to fallfor a coupla guys like me and Alex is a subject for bigger brains thanmine. They say women is peculiar, hey? Well, it's a good thing forthe average guy that they are! "Well!" remarks Eve, lookin' from me to the wife. "How perfectlysweet! If you two only knew what a pretty picture you make!" [Illustration: "How perfectly sweet! If you two only knew what prettypicture you make!"] "Yeh, " I says, gettin' up and dumpin' the near sweater on the table. "You'd almost think we wasn't married, hey?" "Speaking of pictures, " says the wife, allowin' Alex to kiss her--athing I loathe, "let's all go down and see 'Wronged By Mistake. ' Theytell me--" "Nothin' stirrin', " I butts in. "I wanna see Beryldine Nearer in 'TheWoman Which Lost. ' She's some dame, believe me! If I was the leadin'man in her pictures I'd work for nothin'. " "Is that so?" says the wife, her voice as cold as Cape Nome. "Whydidn't you marry her then instead of me?" "She didn't ask me till it was too late, " I says, grinnin' like a wolf. "Here, here!" says Alex. "How is it you people is always quarrelin'every time I come here for a visit?" "We figure you'll get sore and beat it, " I says. "Now, boys, " says Eve, "let's forget we are all one family and befriends. Why aren't you folks out celebratin' peace to-night?" "We wasn't invited, " I says. "And I have bought my last ticket from aspeculator. " "Invited?" says Eve, which always takes everything except Alex serious. "Why, all New York seems to be on Broadway!" "That's what people from Chicago always thinks, " I says. "But they'smore to the town than that. " "Oh, hush that near comedy, " says the wife. "C'mon, we're going to see'Wronged By Mistake. '" "I'll see Beryldine Nearer, " I says in a loud and angry voice, "or wedon't go nowhere!" We went to see "Wronged By Mistake. " The movin' picture company which is responsible for this film claims itcost them $100, 000 to make the picture. Maybe it did, I don't know. What I do know is that it cost me $1000 to see it! Why? Lend me yourears, as the dumb guy said. The hero of this here picture was no less than Carrington De Vire. This guy's name is familiar in burgs where they don't know if Wilson orWashington is still president of the United States. His name is onmore collars than you ever seen and he gets more money a week than youand me makes in six years, even if you cut his advertised salary inhalf. He's prob'ly caused more girls to take their pens in hand thanany massage cream in the world and to say he is a handsome dog is likeremarkin' that the Grand Canyon is pleasant to look at. The onlymagazine which ain't printed his photo at least once with a auto, acountry place and a coupla trick dogs at his side is the _HardwareTrade Review_ and the _Steamfitters' Friend_. The minute Carrington De Vire appears on the screen and gives thenatives a treat by presentin' one and all with a pleasant smile, thewife and Eve begins to rave about him out loud. He kisses the leadin'woman and they let forth a sigh which would of made me jealous only Igot too much brains. The villain slams him, prob'ly because he gotsick of lookin' at the big fathead, and the women groans. He knocksthe villain kickin' and they applaud their hands off and when he fightshis way through a gang of supes which will lose their jobs if theydon't fall when he hits 'em, I thought most of the female part of theaudience would pass away with joy! "I think he's simply wonderful, don't you?" murmurs Eve to the wife. They is no argument about it. Alex give a snort. "If they's anything wonderful about that feller, " he says, "then I'mmore astonishin' than wireless. Anybody can do that stuff! Why--" "Why, the idea!" butts in Eve. "I actually believe you're jealous. Ithink Carrington De Vire is simply divine--marvelous!" "Wait till you see Niagara Falls, " I says. "Both of them are jealous, " says the wife. "I'm surprised at Alexsaying that any one could act as well as Carrington De Vire. Why, Ithink he's got Faversham beaten a mile. You have to be born withtalent like that!" "I think the wife's right in one thing at last, " I says. "I like themmale movie heroes and carbolic acid the same way, but you got to handit to this bird--he's _some_ actor! Yep, Alex, you can't learn thatstuff out of no book, you gotta be born with it. " "You're all crazy!" announces Alex, with another snort. "I can go outright now and dig up a dozen fellers which never seen a camera in theirlife and they'll duplicate anything Carrington De Vire ever did on ascreen. Where does he get off to be wonderful? Some feller withbrains writes a play, another feller with money puts it on and thenanother feller with technical knowledge tells De Vire, which ain't gotnone of them things, where to stand and the like while he acts it. Why--" "Ridiculous!" butts in Eve. "Carrington De Vire has extraordinarytalent. He has thousands of admirers all over the country. Why--why--he's famous!" "Of course, " says the wife. "It's too silly to talk about. Alex hasreached the stage now where he thinks he can do anything!" "Yeh?" says Alex. "Well, I reached the stage where I thought I coulddo anything about three minutes after I was born! I'll bet right now Ican go down to the docks or some place and get a handsome stevedore andmake him as big a star as Carrington De Vire in six months!" "Don't be idiotic, " laughs Eve. "Imagine a stevedore as a movingpicture star!" "Why not?" demands Alex, lookin' like the idea had made a hit with him. "Ain't a stevedore as good as anybody else? I'll bet a thousanddollars even that I can catch one or somebody like him and make him amovie star. What d'ye say?" "I'll say this, " I says. "We come here to see this picture and not tohear you make a speech. This here's a theatre and not no race trackand forget about that bettin' thing. If you can make a movie star outof a stevedore, I can make a watch outa a hard boiled egg!" They is some people behind us which can't see the picture on account ofus talkin' and they begin to hiss at us. It bothers Alex the same asrain worries a duck. "Is they steam escapin' somewheres?" he remarks, turnin' his head. "Why, brakemen have became railroad presidents, " he goes on, "bootblacks have became bankers, prize fighters have turned evangelistsand the United States has went dry. Why shouldn't a stevedore become amovie star?" "We'll all become throwed outa here if you don't keep quiet!" I says. "Ssh, Alex, " says the wife. "Don't get so excited about it. There'sno use attempting the impossible and--" "They ain't nothin impossible!" butts in Alex. "I'm willin' to proveit. Why don't somebody bet me, hey?" "Why don't you hire Madison Square Garden for that speech?" hisses aguy behind us. "Heavens, what a pest!" "Call the usher, " puts in a dame with him. "Them people has didnothin' but talk since they come in here!" "What d'ye want us to do--sing?" growls Alex. "Alex, be still!" whispers Eve. "I've missed the whole picture throughyour talking. Now we'll have to stay and see it all over again. " "Have a nice time, " says Alex, gettin' up and grabbin' my arm. "We'llwait outside for you. One dose a day of Carrington De Vire is all Ican take!" The bunch in back glares at us and says somethin' about what a crime itis to let drunken men come into a theatre. Outside on the pavement, Alex lets forth a snort and whiffs the freshair like it was wine. "Think of my wife sittin' in there and worshippin' that big stiff, " hesnarls. "And yours, too!" "We all have our faults, " I says. "I knowed a guy once which was crazyover fried parsnips. " "They ain't nothin' to laugh at in this, " he says, slappin' his handstogether. "I ain't a jealous man, but no movie hero is gonna be no godto my wife!" "Why don't you go in the movies yourself, then?" I says. "They mighthire you for a picture with Carrington De Vire in it, and you can knockhim kickin' in five reels or the like. " "Huh!" says Alex, "what do I care about the movies? I got a betterplan than that and it will accomplish the same purpose. I'll show Eveand the rest of you how easy it is to be a movie hero--I'll make moneyout of it, too!" he adds, with the old glitter in his eyes. "What are you gonna do?" I says. "Speak quick, I can't standexcitement!" For answer he takes me into the hotel across the street and leads meinto the writin' room. He sits down and writes on a piece of paper fora minute and then he hands it to me. "Cast your eyes over that, " he says, "and if it's satisfactory--signit!" This is what I read, "I, Alex Hanley, agree to hire one handsome, tall and perfectly builtstevedore, longshoreman, truck driver or some one engaged in a equallyhonest profession, one who has never appeared before a camera or uponany stage and who has no knowledge of theatricals, and within sixmonths from date to make him a full fledged, acknowledged star of themoving pictures. "In the event of said undertaking being successful, the undersignedagrees to pay Alex Hanley one thousand dollars. In the event offailure, Alex Hanley agrees to forfeit the same sum. " I handed it back to him. "Listen!" I says. "Don't be a nut _all_ your life. You got as muchchance of--" "Did you ever see me fall down on anything?" he butts in, dippin' a penin the ink and handin' it to me. "Not even a banana peel, " I admits. "But they is a limit toeverything--even the war's over. In the first place, even if you coulddo this, it would cost you more than a thousand dollars and--" "Leave that to me, " he says, pushin' over the pen. "And sign here!" "But--" I says. "Hurry up, the ink will be dry, " he cuts me off. I give in. "Alex, " I says. "This is a crime! If I ever win one bet in my life, I'll win this one. You'll make a movie star outa a stevedore, hey?Why--" "Want a thousand more?" he grins pleasantly. "No!" I hollers. "Let's go over and meet the girls. " The search for the future king of the movies begins merrily the nextday. I went with Alex to see that he didn't put nothin' over on me andat the end of the week he had dug up three promisin' leads. They was aplumber's helper which had a wonderful figure, but a scar on his cheekshowed up in a snapshot Alex took of him and he was laid aside with asigh. Then they was a waiter which was better lookin' than MaryPickford, but a trifle stoop-shouldered. The third guy was hustlin'baggage at Grand Central Station and was a perfect Venus except forsome missin' teeth which queered him when he smiled and what's a moviehero without a smile? Well, I'm havin' the time of my life kiddin' Alex, when one day as weare walkin' along Third Avenue in search of his prey, he grabs me bythe arm, yells, "I got him!" and starts across the street on the run. They is a big truck standin' there and a husky on the back of it isengaged in coaxin' pig iron off of it on to the street. He stood aboutsix foot three without bein' shaved and weighed accordingly, all boneand muscle not countin' his head. He turns around and--Oh, boy!!!! Say! I seen some good lookers in my time, male and female, but thisbaby had it on 'em all! His hair is that black, wavy kind that thecabaret hounds wish they had and he's got a skin like a week old baby. He must of painted his teeth with enamel twice a day and he's therewith a pair of eyelashes that would make a chorus girl take carbolic. On the level, he's so handsome he don't look real--and that with allthe signs of honest toil at the truck on him, too! Alex taps him onthe shoulder and he swings around. "What's yours?" he growls. "I have come to make your fortune, " announces Alex with a grin. Thenhe turns to me. "Ain't he a peach, hey?" he says. The big guy drops the pig iron and looks from Alex to me. "What kinda stuff is this?" he growls. "What d'ye mean I'm a peach?" "You are the luckiest man in New York, " says Alex. "I have come tomake you famous and rich!" The big guy grins. "Listen!" he says. "They're awful tough on hop fiends in this burg nowand they'll be a copper along in a minute, so you better duck. I knowyou guys is no less than J. P. Morgan and John D. Rockefeller, if notmore, and you'll gimme a million dollars in nickels if I'll tell youwhere to get a layout. But I ain't got the time, I gotta get thisstuff off here and--" With that he turns around and goes to work again. "Drop that iron!" says Alex. "You'll never soil your hands with manuallabor again. " "Hey!" snarls the big guy. "Git away, will you? I always feel sorryfor you dope fiends, but if you guys don't lay off me, I'll bounce thetwo of you. Now, beat it!" "Well, " I says to Alex, "he's ignorant anyways. We got that part allsettled and--" "Look here!" says Alex, darin'ly grabbin' the big guy by the arm. "We're neither dope fiends nor maniacs. I want to ask you a fewquestions and, if your answers suit me, I'll hire you for a hundreddollars a week to do special work for me. To show you I'm not foolin', take this for your trouble whether we do business or not. " With that he hands him a twenty dollar bill. "Aha!" yells the big guy. "Coupla counterfeiters, hey?" He snatchesthe bill and grabs Alex. "So you guys want me to pass this for you--Igot it!" He starts to drag Alex along the pavement and half ThirdAvenue stops to watch it. "I'll git a reward for this!" I heard himmutter. Alex throws him off--he's stronger than he looks. "You better not take that head of yours into no pool room, " he snarls, "or somebody'll get two billiard balls and play with it for a set. Take your hands off me and listen. That bill is as good as the insideof a church. C'mon into this store and I'll prove it!" They's somethin' about Alex that makes this guy hesitate, and Alexpulls him into a cigar store, whilst I shoo away the disappointed crowdwhich looked for manslaughter at least. In a minute they come out. The big guy has twenty single bills in hishand and a dazed look on his face. Alex is grinnin'. "Now are you satisfied?" says Alex. The big guy shoves the dough in his overalls. "The sugar seems O. K. , " he says. "Say! I gotta work a week for thatmuch dough, so I might as well give you five minutes of my time. What's the idea, hey?" "Now, Delancey Calhoun, " says Alex, "how would you--" "Wait a minute!" grins the other guy. "I knowed they was a ball upsomewheres. Where d'ye get that Calhoun stuff? My name's Tim O'Toole. " "Not no more!" says Alex, returnin' the grin. "From now on it'sDelancey Calhoun--get that?" "A nut is a funny thing, " says O'Toole, pressin' the dough in hispocket. "But--sure, I'm Delancey Calhoun! That's a swell name atthat--it sounds like a Lenox Avenue apartment house. What d'ye want meto do, outside of that?" "How would you like to be a actor?" says Alex. "Nothin' doin'!" says Delancey. "I got a steady job and I'm too fondof eatin'. " "Don't be a fool!" says Alex. "That stuff about actors not eatin'regular is a thing of the past. These days a actor makes more moneythan a banker. Did you ever appear on the stage anywheres in yourlife?" "I did not!" snarls Delancey. "And I can lick the guy which claims Idid!" "Fine!" says Alex, lookin' at me. "Now of course you've seen movin'pictures, hey?" "Sure!" says Delancey. "What d'ye think I am--ig'rant?" "Not at all, " says Alex. "Do you think if you had a chance and waswell paid for it, you could do the things them heroes does in themovies?" Delancey Calhoun, née Tim O'Toole, throws out his chest from here toSouth Dakota. "Do I _think_ so?" he says. "Why, say, pal--that stuff would be softfor me! I ain't no second Mary Pickford or the like and Chaplin mightgrab off more laughs to the reel than me, but when it come to this herecowboy and full dress stuff--Oh, lady!!!" "You're hired!" hollers Alex, slappin' him on the back. "Startin'right now your salary is a hundred a week. Drive that truck back towhere it belongs and throw up your job. " "A hundred a week, hey?" says Delancey, rollin' his eyes. "Oh, lady!!In a month I'll have Carnegie gnashin' his teeth!" He breaks off andswings around on Alex. "Look here!" he says, "I been drivin' thistruck for two years. I got a good steady job from eight in the mornin'till ten at night, and I get twenty berries a week for it. I don'tknow nothin' about this nut job of yours, but if I don't get my hundredevery week--well, they's gonna be a funeral with you bein' featured init, get that?" "That's all right, " says Alex. "I'll deposit your first six months'salary in the bank for you--how's that?" "What could be sweeter?" says Delancey. "They's just one other thing. " "Speak up!" says Alex. "As long as I'm gonna be a movie actor, " says Delancey, "do I get adress suit to wear?" "Sure!" says Alex. "Why?" "Well, " grins Delancey, "I never had one of them open faced suits on inme life and in fact I was savin' up to get one now. I'm simply nuttyto put on one of them layouts and knock the innocent onlookers silly. If you hit a tough week, I might take ninety-five bucks and let therest go over a few days, but I gotta have the dress suit and that goes!" "It's yours, " says Alex, diggin' me in the ribs. "All right, " says Delancey, "I'll go down now and make the boss faintby quittin'. I'll meet you anywheres you says to-morrow. " "You will not, " says Alex. "I'll ride right down on that truck withyou now!" About two weeks later, Alex comes up to the flat and tells me to put onmy hat and cane. He says he's gonna take me over to the studio andshow me Delancey Calhoun's first picture. "So you're really goin' through with it, hey?" I says. "What companydid you get him landed with?" "The Par-Excellence Feature Film Company, " he says. "I never heard tell of it, " I says. "Who's in back of it?" "A young feller by the name of Alex Hanley!" he comes back, grinnin'. "What?" I hollers. "D'ye mean to say you started a movie foundry toput this guy over?" "I'll leave it to you, " he tells me, "when we get to the studio. Let'sgo!" On the way over he shows me a lot of the advertisin' copy with whichhe's gonna introduce Delancy Calhoun to the waitin' world. I must sayit was hot stuff! It claims that Delancey Calhoun is the sole heir tothe $20, 000, 000 left by the late Artemus Calhoun which died twentyyears ago. The will was given to his lawyers, Sandringham, Bellew andFitch, with instructions not to open it for twenty years. When it wasopened, it was found that them twenty millions was left to his onlynephew, Delancey. Alex has opened a law office downtown under the nameof Sandringham, Bellew and Fitch, so's to take care of the reportersand other guys of a inquisitive nature. Then comes the kick. Delancey, a handsome and accomplished young giant, is tired of the"sham and deceit" of his own "exalted social set" and it's his ambitionto wed a girl of the common people and let her enjoy some of themillions his hard-fisted uncle wrung from their toil. He also hasanother aim in life and that is to accomplish a sweepin' reform of themovie game. He's always been a great fan himself, but he's sick of theimpossible plays which has been foisted on a innocent and nickelspendin' public. Therefore, he has organized his own movie company, will produce his own pictures from real life stories of the eternalstruggle, and last but not least, he'll appear personally in themhimself, to gratify a whim he's had since he first looked over the sideof a cradle. He thinks the average movie hero is sickenin', and hewants to show the world how a real hero would act. He will appear intwelve pictures only. Each will be a episode in the greatest mysterystory ever written entitled, "What was Hector's Choice?" Every singlefemale in the country is invited to see this picture and send in theirsolution of the mystery. _The one that comes nearest to the correctanswer will become the bride of Delancy Calhoun and his twenty millionbucks_. Oh, boy!!! "Alex, " I says, "I'll tell the world this is great stuff! It must begonna cost you a bunch of money. Where do you get off?" "Your head and glue is the two thickest things I ever seen, " he says. "Where do I get mine, hey? I get it from the sale of the pictures thisbird makes. In a coupla months they'll be riots in theatres all overthe country to see this guy in the movies!" "Maybe, " I says. "But how are you gonna pull 'em in? Right off thebat he's gotta compete with Chaplin, Mary Pickford and the like. " "I didn't wanna spring my ace so soon on you, " he says, "but I guess Igot to. How am I gonna pull 'em in? This way--_single women will beadmitted free at every theatre where this picture is shown_!" Wheee!!!! "You're there, Alex!" I admits. "But suppose the men and married womenstays away?" "Stays away?" he says. "They'll break their way in! The married womenwill wanna see Delancey and get a idea of what they missed, and the menwill wanna see what this big fathead looks like, if only to kid him. " "What kind of a actor is he?" I says. "Wait till you see him, " says Alex. "He's got the studio standin' onits ear! He thinks he's the greatest actor the world ever seen andeverybody else from the director to the camera men is dubs. He refusesto fake any of the fight scenes and I gotta pay supers ten bucks a dayto take his wallops. The first time he had a love scene with theleadin' lady he thought it was on the level and went out and got amarriage license. He argued two hours in favor of real bullets for theduel he fights with the villain and refused to play a scene supposed tobe in Alaska because the studio's in Jersey. He claims the guy whichwrote the scenario escaped from a lunatic asylum and he plays thesecond two reels his own way. I've had three different casts work withhim because he gets them all sore by his kiddin' them about art. Hetakes everything in dead earnest and tried to beat up the villain onthe street twice because he's supposed to hate him in the picture. But--this first episode is _some_ film!!!" I seen the picture in the private projectin' room and Alex told thetruth when he called it "_some_ film. " In fact that there would ofbeen as good a title for the whole picture as the one they had. Theywas more adventures happened to Delancey Calhoun in them five reelsthan Robinson Crusoe, Columbus, Kit Carson and Davy Crockett had intheir combined lives! He was a heart-breaker one second and ahead-breaker the next. He had insisted to Alex that one villain wasn'tenough for him to foil, so they had about a dozen and he trimmed 'emall. They was also several heroines for him to save and clasp on hismanly bosom, which same he did in evenin' clothes only. It was nothin'for him to save a maiden in distress from a sinkin' ship and the nextsecond appear in a lifeboat with a dress suit on, rowin' for shore. Nomatter if the scene was mornin' or night, Alaska or the Sahara Desert, Delancey was there in his little dress suit. He would of parted withthat and his left eye with the same willingness. Apart from the film itself, which might of been good or might of beenbad, but certainly was excitin' for your life, Delancey was a riot! Hewas the handsomest thing I ever seen on a screen and I don't blame allthe dames in the studio for fallin' for him. In that treasured dresssuit of his which cost Alex as much as a limousine, they ain't no womanon earth that wouldn't get a thrill when she looked at him, provided hedidn't start no conversation. He looked class--that's all they is toit! When we come out from seein' the picture, Delancey is walkin' aroundthe studio, still with the dress suit on. He's tellin' one of the bestdirectors in the country how to properly produce a movie and saiddirector is takin' it hard. He breaks off when he sees us. "Hello!" he says. "Well, what d'ye think of me? I'm a knockout, hey?" "Easily that, " I admits, shakin' his hand. "How d'ye like bein' aactor?" "Rotten!" he says. "This stuff is the bunk and them actors gimme apain. I think they're all nutty. How they get money for this hop ispast me! All I do all day is pretend I'm this and pretend I'm that andthe foreman of this layout keeps yellin', 'Register fear!' and stufflike that at me. I don't know why this friend of yours is givin' memoney for this, but I bet they's a catch to it somewheres!" "Isn't he simply delicious?" says the leadin' woman, with a fond glanceat Delancey. "Delicious, hey?" he snorts. "What d'ye think I am--a pie?" They is a vampire there and she turns up her nose. "I think he's impossible!" she says. "He hasn't the slightestconception of art. " "Lemme alone!" growls Delancey. "I'm as good a actor as you guys is, if not better. Where d'ye get that art stuff?" "Heavens!" says the vampire. "You must have worked all your life toacquire ignorance, for no one was ever _born_ as stupid as you! Allyou have is your looks. " [Illustration: "Heavens!" says the vampire. "You must have worked ayour life to acquire ignorance, for no one was ever _born_ as stupid asyou!"] "Yeh, " snarls Delancey. "And all Rockefeller's got is a billion!" At this point Alex stepped in and prevented bloodshed. Well, Delancey is as big a success as a movie star as Boston is as atown, and within a month he's swept the country like a new dance. Thatstuff about him bein' a millionaire and willin' to marry the girl whichguesses the answer to the mystery in "What Was Hector's Choice?" caughton with the ladies like cold cream and his handsome map did the rest. His picture is plastered all over the country and kids which barelyknowed their A, B, C's, is familiar with his name. His mail arrivesdaily in freight cars and Alex had four guys workin' on nothin' butautographin' his photos for "A Admirer" and "Your Unknown Friend. "Alex got a quarter the each for said photos to cover the "wrapping andmailing charges" and made a nice little profit on the side. With all this success, though, Delancey Calhoun kept his head. Henever appeared at no banquets, addressed meetin's on "The Future of theMotion Picture Industry, " or as much as glanced at the daily slew ofmail. When the dames around the studio cast languishin' glances at hishandsome form, he glared at 'em like a infuriated turtle. If one of'em remarked that it was a nice day by way of startin' a slightflirtation, Delancey would answer that he couldn't help it, and walkaway. He never spent a nickel foolishly or at all, and when the autoagents swooped down on him, he borrowed cigars from them and beat it. [Illustration: When the dames cast languishing glances at his handsomeform, he glared at them like an infuriated turtle. ] The most astonishin' thing, though, was the way he acted about themovies durin' his career as a star. He never stopped claimin' that thewhole thing was the bunk and that it was idiotic for a grown person toput on a wig and take off the old banker or the like, when they wasonly a fifty buck a week actor. He insisted that anything as silly asthe movies was could never last and they was more real money in thetruckin' business for a man that knew the game as he did and had plentyof wagons. When Alex argues with him and says that many of the bigstars makes fifty thousand a year, he tells Alex to stop usin' opiumbecause it'll get him in the end. At the end of three months, Delancey has made Alex pay him a percentageof the receipts and a salary of a thousand a week, but his opinion ofthe movie business is unchanged. He explains the fact that he's makin'plenty of money out of it by sayin' that Alex must be takin' it out ofhis own pocket and is simply makin' pictures to cover up his real game, which is prob'ly safe crackin'. Alex throws up his hands and lets himbe after that one. Fin'ly the last picture is made and Alex gives out the information to aexpectant world that a girl in Brisbane, Australia, has won theguessin' contest and Delancey Calhoun's hand, and the famous star willsail immediately to wed her. The newspapers all prints pictures of 'emboth, Alex gettin' the lucky dame's by photographin' his stenographer. A couple of papers didn't get neither and runs pictures of Brisbane, Australia, so's to be on the job anyways. Then Alex collects thethousand bucks I bet him that he couldn't make a movie star outa atruck driver and prepares to break the news to his wife and mine thathe has done the same. He figures this will kill forever their wildinfatuation for Carrington De Vire, the idol of the screen. At that point, Delancey Calhoun walks into the office. "Ah, Delancey, " says Alex, "I was just gonna send for you. Now thatour original contract has expired, let me congratulate you. You donegreat and far better than even I expected. You're famous the worldover and must have a good sized bankroll if you've stayed in at nightsand kept away from race tracks and the like. I only intended this as aexperiment, but it has gone over so big that I want you to sit downhere and sign a contract for five years at the biggest salary you everheard of. We'll make the greatest pictures the world--" "Wait a minute!" butts in Delancey. "Don't rave no more. My name isTim O'Toole again and not Delancey, which sounds like a collar. I'msick and tired of movin' pictures and that big salary stuff is as muchbunk as the rest of it. I ain't goin' around rescuin' nutty dames, beatin' up supes which is supposed to be the desperate smugglers anddivin' off bridges no more! I'm goin' to make a honest livin' and I'vebought out the truckin' business I was workin' for when you come alongand made a movie star and a simp outa me. I'll be takin' in moneythere long after the movies is gone and all the pictures I'll ever movefrom now on will be loaded on one of my wagons. Fare-thee-well, and Ihope they's no hard feelings. If they is, I ain't gonna sob out loudover it!" For a minute Alex was speechless. Then he comes to and works a hourtryin' to get the ex-Delancey Calhoun to change his mind. They wasnothin' doin'. In fact, Delancey walked out and left us flat in themiddle of Alex's wail. Well, anyways, Alex still had one satisfaction left and that was toprove to Eve and the wife that he had put over a truck driver as amovie star. He done it after dinner that night and if he caused anysensation, I failed to see it with the naked eye. "Well, " says Eve, "that proves my argument. " "Proves _your_ argument?" hollers Alex. "Didn't you claim movie starswas born, and didn't I take a truck driver and make him famous at it?" "Yes, " says Eve. "And then he went back to the trucking business, because he wasn't born an artist and the whole thing seemed silly tohim. He couldn't stand the make-believe any longer, because he had noimagination, no art--nothing but the stupid ability to make money!" Alex sinks down in a chair and throws up his hands. "Can you beat a woman?" he asks me. "Not in this state, " I says. "It's against the law. " "Come!" says Eve. "You boys are just in time. Carrington De Vire isdown at the Palace in 'The Arctic Sunflower. ' I'm crazy to see it. Ithink he's wonderful!" THE END