ADE'S FABLESBY GEORGE ADE

BY THE SAME AUTHOR_The College Widow, In Pastures New, Knocking the Neighbors, Fables in Slang_

_Illustrated by John T. McCutcheon_

GARDEN CITY NEW YORKDOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANY1914

_Copyright, 1912, 1913, by_COSMOPOLITAN MAGAZINE

_Copyright, 1914, by_DOUBLEDAY, PAGE & CO. 

_All rights reserved, including that oftranslation into foreign languages, including the Scandinavian. _

CONTENTSThe New Fable of the Private Agitator and What He Cooked UpThe New Fable of the Speedy SpriteThe New Fable of the Intermittent FusserThe New Fable of the Search for ClimateThe New Fable of the Father Who Jumped InThe New Fable of the Uplifter and His Dandy Little OpusThe New Fable of the Wandering Boy and the Wayward ParentThe New Fable of What Transpires After the Wind-upThe Dream That Came Out with Much to BootThe New Fable of the Toilsome Ascent and the Shining Table-LandThe New Fable of the Aerial Performer, the Buzzing Blondine, and the Daughter of Mr. JacksonThe New Fable of Susan and the Daughter and the Granddaughter, and then Something Really GrandThe New Fable of the Scoffer Who Fell Hard and the Woman Sitting ByThe New Fable of the Lonesome Camp on the Frozen HeightsThe New Fable of the Marathon in the Mud and the Laurel Wreath

ILLUSTRATIONS [omitted]

ADE'S FABLES

THE NEW FABLE OF THE PRIVATE AGITATOR AND WHAT HE COOKED UP

Ambition came, with Sterling Silver Breast-Plate and Flaming Sword, andsat beside a Tad aged 5. The wee Hopeful lived in a Frame House withBox Pillars in front and Hollyhocks leading down toward the Pike. 

"Whither shall I guide you?" asked Ambition. "Are you far enough fromthe Shell to have any definite Hankering?"

"I have spent many Hours brooding over the possibilities of theFuture, " replied the Larva. "I want to grow up to be a Joey in aCircus. I fairly ache to sit in a Red Wagon just behind the Band anddrive a Trick Mule with little pieces of Looking Glass in the Harness. I want to pull Mugs at all the scared Country Girls peeking out of theWagon Beds. The Town Boys will leave the Elephant and trail behind mycomical Chariot. In my Hour of Triumph the Air will be impregnatedwith Calliope Music and the Smell of Pop-Corn, modified by WildAnimals. "

Ambition went out to make the proper Bookings with Destiny. When hecame back the Boy was ten years old. 

"We started wrong, " whispered Ambition, curling up in the cool grassnear the Day-Dreamer. "The Trick Mule and the Red Cart are all verywell for little Fraidy-Cats and Softies, but a brave Youth of HighSpirit should tread the Deck of his own Ship with a Cutlass under hisRed Sash. Aye, that is Blood gauming up the Scuppers, but is theCaptain chicken-hearted? Up with the Black Flag! Let it be give andtake, with Pieces of Eight for the Victor!"

So it was settled that the Lad was to hurry through the Graded Schoolsand then get at his Buccaneering. 

But Ambition came back with a revised Program. "You are now FifteenYears of Age, " said the Wonderful Guide with the glittering Suit. "Itis High Time that you planned a Noble Career, following a StraightCourse from which there shall be no Deviation. The Pirate is a mereswaggering Bravo and almost Unscrupulous at times. Why not be a greatMilitary Commander? The Procedure is Simple. Your Father gives theFinger to the Congressman and then you step off the Boat at West Point. Next thing you know, you are wearing a Nobby Uniform right out on theParade Ground, while bevies of Debutantes from New York City and otherPoints admire you for the stern Profile and Military Set-Up. Afterthat you will subdue many Savage Tribes, and then you will march upPennsylvania Avenue at the head of the whole Regular Army, and thePresident of the United States will be waiting on the Front Porch ofthe White House to present you with a jewelled Sword on behalf of aGrateful Nation. "

"You are right, " said the Stripling. His eyes were like Saucers, andhis Nostrils quivered. "I will be Commander-in-Chief, and after I amlaid away, with the Cannon booming, the Folks in this very Town willput up a Statue of Me at the corner of Sixth and Main, so the Street-Cars will have to circle to get around it. "

Consequently, when he was in his 21st Year, he was sitting at a highDesk in an Office watching the Birds on a Telegraph Wire. TheKnowledge he had acquired at the two Prep Schools before being pushedinto the Fresh Air ahead of Time had not made him round-shouldered. 

He was a likely Chap, but he wore no Plumes. 

He became dimly conscious that Ambition was squatted on the Stool nextto him. 

"Up to this time we have been Dead Wrong, " said the Periodical Visitor. "There is only one Prize worth winning and that is the Love of theNiftiest Nectarine that ever came down a Crystal Stairway from theCelestial Regions to grace this dreary World with her Holy Presence. Yes, I mean the One you passed this morning--the One with her hair ina Net and the Cameo Brooch. Why not annex her by Legal Routine andsettle down in a neat Cottage purchased from the Building and LoanAssociation? You could raise your own Vegetables. Go to it. "

Four years elapse. Our Hero now has everything. The jerry-built homeof the Early Bungalow Period stands up bravely under the Mortgage. Little Dorothy is suspended in a Jump Chair on the Veranda facingMyrtle Avenue, along which the Green Cars run direct to City HallSquare. The Goddess is in the kitchen trying to make preserves out ofWatermelon Rinds, with the White House Cook Book propped open in frontof her. Friend Husband is weeding the Azaleas and grieving over thefailure of the Egg-Plant. 

He finds himself gently prodded, and there is Ambition once more at hisElbow. 

"You are entitled to One Hundred Thousand Dollars, " murmurs thestealthy Promoter. "Why should some other Citizen have his Coal-Binright in his House while you carry it from a Shed? Your Wife shouldsit at her own Dinner Table and make signs at the Maid. And as youride to your Work with the other dead-eyed Cattle and see all thoseStrong-Arm Johnnies coming out of their Brick Mansions to hop intotheir own Broughams and Coupes, have you not asked yourself why you arein the Horse-Cars with the Plebes when you might be in a Private Rigwith the Patricians?"

For, wot ye, Gentle Reader, all this unwound from the Reel before thefirst Trolley Car climbed a Hill or the first Horseless Carriage camechugging sternly up the Boulevard. 

So Ambition received special Instructions to make Our Hero worth$100, 000. 

Those were the day of tall Hustling: If he saw an Opening six incheswide, he held it with his Foot until he could insert his Elbow, andthen he braced his Shoulder, and the first thing you knew he was on theInside demanding a fair cut of the Swag. 

The Golden Rule received many a Jolt, but he adhered strictly to theold and favorite Admonition: If you want Yours, take a short piece ofLead Pipe and go out and Collect. 

On a certain January First he made a careful Invoice. All the Hard-Earned Kale dropped into the Mining Companies or loaned to Relativesof Wife he marked off and put under the Head of Gone but not Forgotten. He was a True Business Guy. Even after subtracting all Cats and Dogshe could still total the magnificent Sum of One Hundred ThousandDollars. 

When he looked at this Mound of Currency, he felt like a Vag and aPauper. For he had climbed to the table-lands of High Finance andtaken a peek at the Steam-Roller methods of the Real Tabascos. 

"Make it a Million, " said Ambition, leaning across the Table andtapping nervously. "Are you going to be satisfied with a Station Wagonand a Colored Boy when you might have a long-waisted Vehicle with twopale Simpsons in Livery on the Box? When you go into your Club and seethe Menials kow-towing to a cold-looking Party with rippling Chins whoseems to favor his Feet, you know that he gets the Waving Palms and theFrankincense because he is a Millionaire. You and the other financialGnats are admitted simply to make a Stage Setting for the Big Squash. "

"I always said that when I got a Hundred Thousand I'd take a longVacation in Europe and learn how to order a Meal, " suggested Our Hero, holding out weakly. 

"When you came back you would find your hated Rival on the Hill withthe Batteries turned against you. Camp on the Job and work straighttoward the High Mark. And remember that anybody with less than aMillion is a Two-Spot in a soiled Deck. "

From that day the Piking ceased. No more of the dinky trafficking ofthe Retailer. He went out and bought Public Service Utilities onNerve, treated them with Aqua Pura by the Hogshead, and created Wealthby purely lithographic Methods. And, if he wanted to reason out aDeal with a contrary-minded Gazook, he began the Negotiations bysoaking the Adversary behind the Ear and frisking him before he cameto. 

A Fairy Wand had been waved above the snide Bungalow, and it was nowa Queen Anne Chateau dripping with Dew-dads of Scroll Work andcongested with Black Walnut. The Goddess took her Mocha in theFeathers, and a Music Teacher came twice each week to bridge the awfulchasm between Dorothy and Chopin. Dinner had been moved up to MilkingTime. Sweetbreads and Artichokes came into the Lives of the Trio thusfavored by Fortune. 

One day the busy Thimble-Rigger took his Helpmate into the lonesomeLibrary and broke the glad Tidings to her. 

"I have unloaded all my Cripples, " he said. "They have been wished ona Group of Philanthropists in New England. Sound the glad Tocsin. Ihave a Million in my Kick. "

So she began packing the huge Saratogas and reading the Folders onEgypt and the Riviera. He sat in his Den pulling at a long blackExcepcionale. Through the bluish clouds of Smoke came that oldfamiliar Voice. 

"Let the Missus and the Heiress do the European Thing, " said Ambition. "You stick around. Wait for Black Friday. Then get busy at theBargain Counter. By and by the new Crop will begin to move, and Moneywill creep out of the Yarn Stockings and a few Wise Gazabes will copall the Plush. In every Palm Room there are more Millionaires thanPalms. But the Big Round Table over by the Fountain is always reservedby Oscar for the Lad who can show Ten Millions. "

The Ocean Greyhound moved out past Sandy Hook with the Family and allthe Maids on board, but Papa remained behind to sharpen his Tools andget ready for another Killing. 

Every time he was given a Crimp in the Rue de la Paix he caught even byleading a new Angora up the Chute and into the Shambles. 

When the fully matured Goddess and the radiant Heroine of the latestInternational Alliance came home with the French Language and two tonsof Glad Raiment, they found themselves reuning with the Magnate at thebig Table over by the Fountain. 

Our Hero was now sleeping in a Bed almost twelve feet wide, with a silkTent over it. One Morning he found the Companion of many Years sittingon the edge of the Mattress. 

"Again?" asked the Multi-Millionaire. "What next?"

"The Exercises up to this Time have been Preliminary, " said Ambition. "What is the good of a Bank Roll if you cannot garnish it with thedelectable Parsley of Social Eminence? Get a Wiggle on you. Send forthe Boys with the Frock Coats and the Soft Hats and let them dig in totheir Elbows. Tell the Press Agent to organize a typewriting Phalanx. Assume a few Mortgages on fluttering Newspapers. Lay a Corner-Stoneever and anon. Be Interviewed. "

"What are you leading up to?" asked the Financial Giant, a sickly Fearcreeping into the Region formerly occupied by his Heart. 

"The Logical Finish, " replied Ambition, with a reassuring Pat on theShoulder. "You must go to the Senate. The White Palace, suitable forentertaining purposes, now awaits you in Washington. The Bulb Lightsglow dimly above the Porte Cochere. A red Carpet invites you to climbthe Marble Stairway and spread yourself all over the Throne. On aReceiving Night, when the perfumed Aliens in their Masquerade Suitsrally around the Punch Bowl, your Place will resemble the Last Act ofsomething by Klaw & Erlanger. You will play Stud with the Makers ofHistory and be seen leaving the Executive Mansion. "

This Line of Talk landed him. He Fell for it. That year the ChristmasTree drooped with valuable Gifts for the Boys who stood after theywere hitched. 

He went up to Washington with an eviscerated Check-Book in his Pocket, and a faint Odor of Scandal in his Wake, but he was a certified Servantof the People. His Cut Flowers were the Talk in Official Circles. Themost Exclusive consented to flirt with his Wine Cellar. 

To a mere Outsider it looked as if Ambition had certainly boosted hisNobs to the final Himalayan Peak of Human Happiness. He had a House asbig as a Hospital. The Hallways were cluttered with whisperingServants of the most immaculate and grovelling Description. His Wifeand the Daughter and the Cigarette-Holder she had picked up in Europefigured in the Gay Life of the Nation's Capital every Night and wentto see a Nerve Specialist every Day. The whole Bunch rode gaily on theTop Wave of the Social Swim, with a Terrapin as an Escort and a squadof Canvas-Back Ducks as Body-Guard. 

Notwithstanding all which, Father was the sorest Hard-Shell thatmotored along Pennsylvania Avenue. 

The Dime Denouncers printed his Picture, saying that he was owned bythe Interests and hated the sight of a Poor Working Girl. When theHigh Class continuous Show in the Senate Chamber showed signs offlopping and the Press Gallery became impatient, some Alkali Statesmanof the New School would arise in his Place and give our Hero a Turning-Over, concluding with a faithful Pen-Picture of the Dishonored Gravemarked by a single Headstone, chiseled as follows: "Here lies aBurglar. "

When he went traveling, he had his Food smuggled into the Drawing-Room. He knew if he went drilling through the Pullmans, some of thePassengers who had seen the Cartoons might recognize him as thenotorious Malefactor. 

One day, while he was cowering in a dark corner of his Club to getaway from the pesky Reporters, he was joined by the Trouble-Maker. 

"I gave you the wrong Steer, " said Ambition, now much subdued. "Youare in Dutch. Beat it! All the Rough-Necks down by the Round-Houseand the fretful Simps along every R. F. D. Route are getting ready tointerfere in the Affairs of Government. The Storm Clouds of Anarchyare lowering. In other words, the new Primary Law has begun to dobusiness. Every downtrodden Mokus owing $800 on a $500 House is honingfor a Chance to Hand It to somebody wearing a Seal-Skin Overcoat. Fromnow on, seek Contentment, Rural Quietude, and a cinch Rate of 5 PerCent. On all your Holdings. "

So Ambition, after leading him hither and yon, finally conducted him tothe swell Country House surrounded by Oaks and winding Drives andSunken Gardens. 

Far from the Hurly-Burly he settled down among his Boston Terriers andOrchids and Talking-Machines and allowed Old Age to ripen and mellowhim into a Patriarch of the benevolent Pattern. 

At the suggestion of an expensive Specialist, he went in for Golf. After he had learned to Follow Through and keep within 100 yards ofthe Fair Green, he happened to get mixed up in a Twosome one day witha walking Rameses who had graduated from the Stock Exchange soon afterthe Crime of '73. This doddering Shell of Humanity looked as if a HighWind would blow him into the Crick. When he swung at the Pill, youexpected to hear something Snap. 

Our Hero had about 10 Years on the Ancient, and it looked like aCompote. But the Antique managed to totter around the Course, playingshort but safe, always getting Direction and keeping away from theProfanity Pits. 

He never caught up with Colonel Bogey, but he had enough Class to trimour Hero and collect 6 Balls. 

Ambition rode home with the unhappy Loser in the $12, 000 Limousine. "Buck up, Old Top, " said the faithful Prompter. "Fasten your Eye onthe Ball and don't try to Force. He is sure to blow up sooner orlater. Take another Lesson to-morrow morning and then publish yourDefi in the afternoon. "

He never had been strong enough to stand off Ambition. So the next Dayhe took on Old Sure-Thing again and got it in the same Place. 

No wonder. The Octogenarian was of Scotch Descent. He was the Colorof an Army Saddle. He never smiled except when the Kilties came ontour. His Nippie consisted of a tall Glass about half full and thena little Well Water. 

A plain American Business Man with a York State Ancestry had a fatChance against this Caledonian frame-up. 

But that same persistent Ambition kept sending him back to the Ring totake another Trouncing. 

One day he failed to show up at the Club House. The Trained Nurse, whofanned him during the final Hours, never suspected. But the Caddy-Master knew that he had died of a Broken Heart. 

MORAL: Those who travel the hardest are not always the first toarrive. 

THE NEW FABLE OF THE SPEEDY SPRITE

One Monday Morning a range and well-conditioned Elfin of the YoungUnmarried Set, yclept Loretta, emerged into the Sunlight and hit theConcrete Path with a ringing Heel. 

This uncrowned Empress of the 18th Ward was a she-Progressive assaying98 per cent. Pure Ginger. 

Instead of trailing the ever onward Parade, she juggled the Baton atthe head of the Push. 

In the crisp introductory hours of the Wash-Day already woven into thePlot, Loretta trolleyed herself down into the Noise Belt. 

She went to the office of the exclusive Kennel Club and entered theChow Ki-Yi for the next Bench Show. At the Clearing House for K. M. 'sshe filed a loud call for a Cook who could cook. Then she cashed acheck, ordered a pound of Salted Nuts (to be delivered by Special Wagonat once), enveloped a ball of Ice Cream gooed with Chocolate, and soon, greatly refreshed, swept down upon a Department Store. 

A Chenille Massacre was in full swing on the 3d floor, just between thePorch Furniture and Special Clothing for Airmen. Loretta took a runand jump into the heaving mass of the gentler Division. She came outat 10. 53 with her Sky Piece badly listed to Port and her toes flattenedout, but she was 17 cents to the Good. Three hearty Cheers!

So she went over to an exhibition of Paintings, breathing through herNose for at least an Hour as she studied the new Masterpieces of theSwedo-Scandinavian School. Each looked as if executed with a SquirtGun by a Nervous Geek on his way to a Three Days Cure. Just the same, every Visitor with a clinging Skirt and a Mushroom Hat gurgled like aMountain Stream. 

In company with four other Seraphines, plucked from the Society Col. , she toyed with a Fruit Salad and Cocoa at a Tea Room instituted by aLady in Reduced Circumstances for the accommodation of those who arenever overtaken by Hunger. 

The usual Battle as to which should pick up the Check and the same oldCompromise. A Dutch Treat with the Waitress trying to spread it fourways and the Auditing Committee watching her like a Hawk. Then a 10-cent Tip, bestowed as if endowing Princeton, and the Quartetrepresenting the Flower of America's Young Womanhood was once more outin the Ozone, marching abreast with shining Faces and pushing white-haired Business Men off into the Sweepings. 

Loretta went to a place with a glass Cover on it and had herselfphotoed in many a striking Posture. With the Chin tilted to show thefull crop of Cervical Vertebrae and her Search Lights aimed yearninglyat the top of the Singer Building, she had herself kidded intobelieving that she was a certified Replica of Elsie Ferguson. 

As a member of the Board of Visitation she hurried out to the ColoredOrphan Asylum to check up the Picks and watch them making Card-BoardMottoes. 

After that she had nothing to do except fly home and complete a Paperon the Social Unrest in Spain, after which she backed into theSpangles, because Father was bringing an old Stable Companion todinner. 

In the evening she took Mother to a Travel Lecture. The colored Slideswere mingled with St. Vitus Glimpses of swarming Streets and gallopingGee-Gees. They came home google-eyed and had to feel their way intothe Domicile. 

Tuesday A. M. Dawned overcast with shifting winds from the N. E. . Loretta pried herself away from the third Waffle in order to hike tothe corner and jack up Mr. Grocer about the Kindling Wood that he hadsent them for Celery. 

She had the Druggist 'phone the Florist, and then rewarded him bypurchasing three Stamps. 

At 9. 30 the Committee to arrange for the Summer Camp of the In-WrongMarried Women whirled through the untidy Suburbs in a next year'sMotor Car, and Loretta was nowhere except right up on the front Seatpicking out the Road. 

Once a year the Ladies of the Lumty-Tum went out with their embroideredSand-Bags and swung on their Gentlemen Friends for enough Dough to paythe Vacation Expenses of Neglected Wives and Kiddies. 

In every community there is an undiscovered Triton thoroughly posted onthe Renaissance of the Reactionaries and the recrudescence of the BigSix Baby with the up-twist that has the Whiskers on it. This Boy is sobusy regulating both Parties and both Leagues that when it comes timefor his Brood to take an Outing, some ignorant Outsider has to step inand unbelt. 

After letting contracts for Milk and Vegetables, Loretta and the otherspecimens of our Best People zipped over to the Country Club, breakinginto silvery Laughter every time the Speedometer made a Face at theSign-Board which said that the Speed Limit was 12 Miles an Hour. 

They showed a few milk-fed Springers how to take a Joke, and thenplayed an 18-hole Foursome which was more or less of a Grewsome. 

Then a little Tea on the Terrace with Herbert lolling by in hisFlannels, just as you read about it in Mrs. Humphrey Ward. 

A buzzing sound dying off into the distance, a trail of Blue Smoke inthe fading Twilight, and little Bright Eyes is back in her own Boudoirpacking herself into a new set of Glads. 

That evening she had four throbbing Roscoes curled up among her SofaPillows. 

She had to bat up short and easy ones for this Bunch, as they came fromthe Wholesale District. 

When they began to distribute political Bromides, the artful Minx satclear out on the edge of the Chair and let on to be simply pop-eyedwith Ardor. 

Shortly after 12 she turned the last night-blooming Cyril out into theDarkness and did a graceful Pirouet to the Husks. 

On Wednesday morning, between the Ham and Eggs, she glanced at herdouble-entry Date Book and began to gyrate. 

On the way down-town she stopped in and had herself measured for a newmop of hair. 

Thence to the Beauty Works to have the peerless Frontispiece ironed outand the Nails ivoried. 

When she appeared at the Sorority Tiffin at 1 P. M. She was dolled forfair. 

The Response in behalf of the Alumnae of Yamma Gamma was a neat Affair. After swiping the Table Decorations, she and two Companions hurried toa Mat. It was a Performance given under the auspices of theOverhanging Domes, and the Drama was one that no Commercial Managerhad the Nerve to unload on the Public. The Plot consisted of twovictims of Neurasthenia sitting at a Table and discussing ImpairedCirculation. 

That evening she helped administer the Anesthetic to a Seminary Snipewho was getting into the Life Boat with a hard-wood Bachelor grabbedoff at the 11th Hour. 

Loretta wept softly while straightening out the Veil, in accordancewith Tradition. Later on she did an Eddie Collins and landed theBride's Bouquet. At 11. 30 she had the Best Man backed into a Corner, slipping him that Old One about his Hair matching his Eyes. 

It is now Thursday morning and who is this in the Gym whanging theMedicine Ball at the Lady Instructor with the Face?

It is Loretta. 

Behold her at 10. 30, after an icy Splash and a keen rub with a raspyTowel. 

She has climbed back into the dark-cloth Effect and is headed for theStudio of Madam to grapple with the French Lesson. 

After that she will do nothing before Lunch Time except try on WhiteShoes and fondle some Hats that are being sacrificed at $80 per throw. 

The Suffrage Sisters rounded up Thursday afternoon. A longitudinalBrigadieress in the army of Intellectuality did the main Spiel, withLoretta as principal Rooter. 

The Speaker was there with the Pep and with the Vocabulary. Otherwiseshe was a Naughty-Naughty. The costume was a plain Burial Shroud, theonly Ornament being a 4-carat Wen just above the Neck-band. 

At 4 P. M. , after the Male Sex had been ground to a Hamburger, ourlittle Playmate escaped to a Picture Show, but not until she had dulyfortified herself with the nourishing Marshmallow. 

There was nothing on the Cards that night except a Subscription Dance, which got under way at 10 P. M. And never subsided until the coldDaylight began to spill in at the Windows. 

Loretta did a 27 out of a possible 29. Percentage . 931--six betterthan Bogey and 400 points ahead of Ty Cobb. 

Nevertheless and notwithstanding, don't imagine that she failed to comeup for Air on Friday Morning. 

Life is real, Life is earnest, and she had a Gown to be shortened upand re-surveyed around the Horse Shoe Curve, just as soon as she couldleave the Gloves to be cleaned. 

Happening into Automobile Row, she permitted a blond salesman with aNorfolk Jacket to demonstrate the new type of Electric Runabout. 

One of the most inexpensive pursuits of the well-dressed Minority is toglide over the Asphalt in a Demonstration Car and pretend to beundecided. 

She permitted the man to set her down at a Book Shop, where shefurtively skinned eight Magazines while waiting for a Chum to popthrough the Whirligig Door. 

The two went Window-Hopping for an hour. After making Mind Purchasesof about $8000 worth of washable Finery edged with Lace, a spirit ofDeviltry seized them. 

They ordered their Lettuce Sandwiches and diluted Ceylon in aRestaurant where roguish Men-about-Town sat facing the Main Entranceto pipe the pulchritudinous Pippins. 

Was it seven or eight Party Calls that she checked from her socialLedger before 4 o'clock? Answer: eight. 

Then a swinging Gallop for home. Whilst she had been socializingaround, Robert W. Chambers had taken a lead of two Novels on her. Retiring to a quiet Alcove with four Volumes that were being dissectedat the drawing-room Clinics, she took a hack at the first and lastChapter of each. Just enough to protect her against a Fumble if shefound herself next to a Book Sharp. 

That evening a famous Hungarian Fiddler, accompanied by a warblingGuinea Hen and backed up by sixty Symphonic Heineys wearing Spectacles, was giving a Recital for the True Lovers in a Mammoth Cave devoted toArt. 

Loretta had a sneaking preference for the May Irwin School ofExpression, but she had to go through with the Saint-Saens Stuff nowand then to maintain a Club Standing. 

Accordingly she and Mother and poor old dying Father, with no Heart inthe Enterprise, were planted well down in Section B, where they couldwatch Mrs. Leroy Geblotz, who once entertained Nordica, and say "Bravo"at the Psychological Moment. 

On Saturday Morning, after she had penned 14 Epistles, using the tallcuneiform Hieroglyphics, she didn't have a blessed thing to do beforeher 1 o'clock Engagement except drop in at a Flower Show and a CatShow and have her Palm read by a perfectly fascinating Serpent with aGoatee who had been telling all the Gells the most wonderful thingsabout themselves. 

A merry little Group went slumming Saturday afternoon. They attendeda Ball Game. Loretta had her Chin over the Railing and evinced a keenInterest, her only Difficulty being that she never knew which Side wasat bat. 

At dusk she began hanging on the Family Jewels. It was a formal DinnerParty with a list made up by Dun and Bradstreet. 

Loretta found herself between an extinct Volcano of Political World anda sappy Fledgling whose Grandfather laid the cornerstone of Brooklyn. 

The Dinner was one of those corpseless Funerals, stage-managed by arespectable Lady with a granite Front who had Mayflower Corpusclesmoving majestically through her Arterial System. 

Loretta was marooned so far from the Live Ones that she couldn't wig-wag for Help. Her C. Q. D. Brought no Relief. 

She threw about three throes of Anguish before they escaped to theprivate Gambling Hell. 

Here she tucked back her Valenciennes and proceeded to cop a littlePin-Money at the soul-destroying game known as Bridge. 

At 11. 30 she led a highly connected volunteer Wine Pusher out into theConservatory and told him she did not think it advisable to marry himuntil she had learned his First Name. 

Shortly after Midnight she blew, arriving at headquarters just in timeto participate in a Chafing-Dish Jubilee promoted by only Brother, justback from the Varsity. 

She approached the Porcelain in a chastened mood that Sabbath morning. She was thinking of the Night Before and of playing cards for Money. She remembered the glare of Light for overhead and the tense, eagerFaces peering above the Paste-Boards. 

Then she recalled, with a sharp catch of the Breath and a little tug ofPain at the Heart, that she had balled herself up at one Stage and gotdummied out of a Grand Slam. 

"It would have meant a long pair of the Silk Kind, " thought she, as shesighed deeply and turned the cold Faucet. 

After Breakfast, she took a long Walk up the Avenue as a Bracer. 

After which to the Kirk, for she taught a class of Little Girls in theSunday School, and she had to fake up an Explanation of how Joshua madethe Sun stand still, thereby putting herself in the Scratch Divisionof Explainers, believe us. 

She listened to a dainty Boston Sermon, trimmed with Ruching, singinglustily before and after. 

Then back home with the solemn Parade to sit among the condemnedwaiting for that superlative Gorge known as the Sunday Dinner. 

While she was waiting, a male Friend dropped in. His costume was acompromise between an English Actor and a hired Mourner. 

On Week Days he sat at a Desk dictating Letters and saying that theMatter had been referred to the proper Department. 

He looked at Loretta, so calm and cool and collected in her piousRaiment, and the Smile that he summoned was benevolent and almostpatronizing. 

"I was wondering, " said he. "I was wondering if a Girl like you evergets tired of sitting around and doing nothing. "

Loretta did not cackle. She had read in a Book by a Yale Professorthat Woman is not supposed to possess the Sense of Humor. 

MORAL: The Settlement Campaign is not getting to the real Workers. 

THE NEW FABLE OF THE INTERMITTENT FUSSER

Once a grammar-school Rabbit, struggling from long Trousers toward hisfirst brier-wood Pipe, had Growing Pains which he diagnosed as thepangs of True Love. 

The Target was a dry-seasoned Fannie old enough to be his Godmother. She was a Post-Graduate who was keeping herself on Earth by runningto the Drug-Store every few minutes. 

The Eye-Brows were neatly blocked out by some Process unknown to thewriter, and she had a Shape that could be revised ad lib. 

An Expert would have Made her at a glance, but the Cub fell for theScenery and Mechanical Effects. 

He had sketched a little synopsis of the Future. After waiting 8years, until she had unpetaled into the perfect bloom of Womanhoodand he was wearing a Full Beard, he would take her by the Long Gloveand lead her off into Dreamland. 

Just to show how one of those pinfeather Passions may be shunted ontoa Siding and left among the Dog-Fennel, when the Subject of this Sketchwas _aetat_ 22, he was picking them out of the Air in the Left Gardenat the State University. Fannie (she of the purchased Pallor) wasthoroughly married to a Veterinary with the Drug Habit. 

Soon after recovering from the Pip, known in Medical Parlance as theSpooney Infantum, he began to glory in the friendship of an incipientAmazon who wore a Blazer and walked like a Policeman. 

She did not hamper her fibrous Physique with any excess Harness thatmight pinch when she essayed a full St. Andrew's Swipe with a woodenClub. And she had one lower octave of Pipes, like a Brakeman on theErie. 

There comes a brief Period in the Veal Epoch of every SentimentalTommy when the only real Cutie is one who can propel a Canoe and throwOverhand. 

So Walter, such being the baptismal Handicap, often thought it would beSweet Billiards to keep house with the she-Acrobat for 30 or 40 years, because when they were tired of sitting in the House they could go intothe Front Yard and play Ketch. 

He was just at the rickety Age when the Gams refuse to co-ordinate. Every time he sauntered carelessly across the porch at a Summer Hotel, he gave a correct Imitation of a troop of Cavalry going over a WoodenBridge at full Gallop. 

He had a way of backing into Potted Plants. 

Each Morning was clouded by the task of picking out a Cravat that wouldbe of the same Radio-Activity as his Socks. And all through the wakinghours he carried with him a faint and sickly Realization that hisParents did not understand him. 

One day he stood before a kind-faced Registrar and matriculated. Branded as a regular Freshman, he went back to his little Den and put anews-stand Photo of Lillian Russell between two Pennants. 

The whalebone Divinity in the Home Town passed out of his Life. Hetold himself that he would be true to Miss Russell and all the otherMembers of her sprightly Profession. 

The emotional side of his unfolding Nature began to nourish itself onSong Hits, and he slept each night with his Banjo folded tightly to hisBosom. 

He became acquainted with a Sophomore who once sat near Trixie Friganzain a Parlor Car. One night Alice Nielsen looked directly at the Box inwhich he was seated with the other Fraters of the Ippy Ki Yi. In fact, his Life became crowded with tingling Experiences. 

The collection of Cigarette Pictures made him acquainted with manyCelebrities. His intimacy with them grew apace as he developed abookish appetite for Sunday Newspapers. 

He danced with the local Chickadees, but all the time his Heart was faraway, in the Dramatic Column. 

Suddenly he found that he was an Upper Classman, to whom each Neophytetouched the Leaf of Lettuce balanced on top of the Head, ostensibly asa Cap. 

He became endowed with the divine Right to hit himself on the Leg witha Walking Stick and sit on a hallowed Fence. 

Simultaneous-like, he became conscious of the fact that the FootlightFavorites were no longer worthy of him. He began to hold long andserious Conversaziones with the Sister of a Prof. 

She was an aerial Performer who wore powerful Spectacles, in which anyone standing before her could see an Image of himself, greatly reduced. She looked as if she had been sitting up all night, writing a Historyof Civilization. 

Walter found himself uplifted every time they were left together in theLibrary. Sometimes she took him up so high that he became dizzy. 

He now began to prog as follows: He and the Lady Emerson would belegally welded just after Commencement and spend the Honeymoon at somelively Chautauqua. 

The grinding Wheels and raucous buying and selling of the Marts ofTrade seemed faint and far away when he roamed through the Cloisterswith Elfreda. He was in the moulting Stage, and it seemed to him thatSuccess in Life would consist of going about reeking of Culture. 

A Degree looked bigger than a Dividend. 

He never had heard tell of such a thing as a Coal-Bill or a SpecialAssessment for a Sewer. 

The vision of Elfreda floated out through a Transom three days after hedrew a Desk in the extensive Works owned by the Governor. 

He was too busy keeping his Head above the Churning Waves to botherwith Speculative Philosophy or write Letters studded with LatinPhrases, like Currants in an English Cake. 

All the cringing Peons in the big Stockade hated him because he had aDrag. It was up to him to deliver the Merchandise and demonstratethat he was a Human Being rather than a College Graduate. 

In the meantime, the Spectators were hoping that he would Skid and gointo the Fence. 

He began to wear his Frat pin on his undershirt, and he had no time tofrivol away on the fluffy Gender, because he expected to be sitting inthe Directors' Room in a couple of years, talking it over with Henry C. Frick. 

So he waved aside the Square Envelopes and allowed himself to be billedall over the Macaroon Circuit as a Woman-Hater. 

Of course he girled in a conservative way, but he merely trailed. Hedid not buzz, or throw himself at the fallen Handkerchief, or run toget the Wraps, or do any of the Stuff that marks the true and boundenCaptive. 

When he found himself in the cushioned Lair of a Feline, he would leanback in perfect Security, knowing that even if she exercised her entirerepertoire of Wiles, she could not warm the Dead Heart nor stir intolife the fallen Rose Leaves of Romance. 

All the time she was spilling her familiar line of Chatter, he wouldlook at her with an arid and patronizing Smile, such as the Harvard Manproduces when he finds himself in immediate juxtaposition to some humanCaterpillar from west of Pittsburgh. 

Very often, when the registered Dolly Grays got together for a Bon-BonOrgy, some one would say, "Oh, Crickey, ain't he the regular Cynic?"Another might suggest that he was hiding a great Sorrow, his wholeExistence having been embittered by the faithlessness of some Creature. Then they would take a Vote and decide that he was a plain Mutt. 

The Chauncey who refuses to reciprocate will excite more Conversationthan a regular Union Lover, but it is Lucky for him that he does nothear all the Conversation. 

Walter at the age of twenty-five thought he was too old and sedate tobe a Diner-Out and Dancing Devil. 

When he was 28, however, he had become Hep to the large and luminousTruth that the man who sits in his Lodgings reading Dumas may overlookmany a Bet. 

He noted on every Hand the nice-looking Boys who turned in about 10. 40and avoided the Pitfalls of Society, and most of them were pulling downas much as $14 a week. 

He recalled what this humble Chronicler had said away back in 1899:"Early to Bed and Early to Rise and you will meet very few of our BestPeople. "

He looked over the Lay-Out and decided that it was just as easy tomingle with the Face Cards as to sleep in the Discards. 

He saw many a Light Weight with a gilt sign exposed on Main Street andno Assets except a Suit with a Velvet Collar, a pair of indestructibledancing Legs, and just enough intellectual Acumen to stir Tea withoutspilling it. 

So he decided to have a try at the Gay Life and worm his way into theSafety Deposit Vaults via the Parlor Route. 

A worthy Resolve and one often taken. 

If a Friend of the People can capitalize his Vocal Cords, why shouldnot the little Brother of the Rich put his undying Nerve into theMarket and get what he can on it?

The Captain of Finance is usually owned, Body and Soul, by the otherHalf of the Sketch. She may be a head bell-ringer in the D. A. R. Orthe blue-pencil Queen of the Golden Pheasants, but in a vast majorityof cases she has not the Looks to back up the Title. 

Even the Buckingham Palace manner and the Arctic Front cannot buffalothe idle Spectator into overlooking the fact that she belongs to thegenus Quince. 

She may not be a Beaut, but it is She who stands at the main entranceto the Big Tent and tears off seat coupons. 

Walter knew that if he wished to be mentioned all over town as a Sure-Enough, his passport to the Inner Circle of Hot Potatoes would have tobe vised by Patroness No. 1. 

He began to work in the Secret Service of the Chosen Few and was FirstAid to the Chaperons. 

A Hard Life, say you? Not a tall--not a tall. 

He was entirely surrounded by Fairy Lamps and sweet-smelling Flowers. Life became a kaleidoscopic Aurora Borealis. 

When the first Crash of Music came through the hothouse Palms, Walterwould be out on the Waxen Floor with his hair in a Braid. 

Through the long watches of the night he played Blonde against Brunetteand then went home with his Time-Card bearing the official O. K. . 

He swam among the floating Hooks and side-stepped the Maternal Traps, until the compilers of Marital Statistics had his name in the listmarked "Nothing Doing. "

The Dope on him seemed to be that he was Immune and Jinx-Proof. 

After he led one of them back to a Divan and fed her an Ice it was acase of "Good Night, Miss Mitchell. "

Truly, a Bachelor flown with Insolence and Pride is the favorite Markfor the Bow-and-Arrow Kid. For every weather-beaten Beau and BallroomVeteran there is waiting somewhere in Ambuscade a keen little Dianawith the right kind of Ammunition. 

One night he went to a Small Dance in his regular Henry Miller suitand wearing a tired look around the Eyes. He counted these minorFunctions a dreadful Bore. 

Over in a corner sat a half-portion Damosel who had come to town on aVisit. Her name was Violet, and she looked the Part. 

She didn't know who was running for President or what Miss Pankhurstsaid about Suffrage, but she had large belladonna Orbs, with Dangerlurking in their limpid depths. 

She was just at the Age when any girl who is not actually Deformedlooks fair to middling, while the real Dinger, with the Tresses andthe Complexion and the gleaming white Shoulders and the Parisianfigure, is right there with a full equipment for breaking up Families. 

Old Dare-Devil Dick, the Hero of 1000 Flirtations, was sitting out oneof the Dances recently condemned by Press and Pulpit. 

He became aware of the presence of something Feminine at his immediateright. He took a cautious Look and beheld a timid Debutante, sparklingwith the Dew and waiting to be plucked. 

She gave him a frightened Smile and lamped him very slowly. 

Suddenly he felt himself wafted away on a cloud of Purple Perfumery. She had put the Sign on him without lifting a Finger. 

His friends tried to save him. They demonstrated, with a Pencil and aPiece of Paper, that she was just an ordinary, everyday Baby Doll witha Second Reader intelligence and the Spiritual Caliber of a HummingBird. They proved that exactly the same kind were scattered throughevery Department Store, working for $6 a week. 

When they got thorough knocking, he hurried over and told hereverything and promised her that if she would marry him, not one ofthese Snakes would ever be permitted to enter the House. 

He writhed on the Rug and said that if she didn't whisper that OneLittle Word, it would be a case of Satin Lining and Silver Handles forlittle Wallie. 

She looked out the Window and yawned slightly and then said, "Oh, verywell. "

He rode home standing up in a Taxicab, while she was showing the Maidsa lozenge-shaped Ring that set him back 450 Bucks. 

MORAL: The higher they fly the harder they fall. 

THE NEW FABLE OF THE SEARCH FOR CLIMATE

Once there was a Gentleman of the deepest dye who was all out ofKilter. He felt like a list of Symptoms on the outside of a DollarBottle. He looked like the Picture you see in the Almanac entitled, "Before Taking. "

When his Liver was at Perihelion, he had a Complexion suggesting anAlligator-Pear, and his Eye-Balls should have been taken out andburnished. 

He could see little dirigible Balloons drifting about in all parts ofthe deep-blue Ether. His Tummy told him that some one had moved in andwas giving a Chafing-Dish Party. Furthermore, a red-hot Awl had beeninserted under each Shoulder Blade. 

When every Tree was a Weeping Willow and the Sun went slinking behind aCloud, his only definite Yearn was to crawl into a dark Cellar withFungus on the Walls and do the Shuffle, after making a sarcastic Willthat disinherited all Relatives and Friends. 

This poor, stricken Gloomer had time-tabled himself all over theUniverse, trying to close in on a Climate that would put him on hisFeet and keep him Fit as a Fiddle. 

He had de-luxed himself to remote Spots that were supplied with SteamHeat and French Cooking, together with Wines, Liquors, and Cigars, butno matter what the Altitude or the Relative Humidity, he feltdiscouraged every Morning when he awoke and remembered that presentlyhe would have to rally his Vital Forces and walk all the way to theTub. 

It was too bad that a Clubman, so eminent Socially, should be thus shotto Rags and Fragments. Could aught be more Piteous than to Witness aproud and haughty Income tottering along the Street, searching in vainfor a Workingman's Appetite? When one with a spending possibility of$2 a Minute is told by a Specialist to drink plenty of Hot Water, theWords seem almost Ironic. 

His Operating Expenses kept running up, and yet it looked like sheerWaste to lavish so much Collateral on the upkeep of a Physical Swab. 

To show you how he worked at recouping his Health, once he spent awhole Summer in Merrie England. He had been told by a Globe-Trotterthat One lodging within a mile of Trafalgar Square could hoistunlimited Scotch and yet sidestep the Day After. 

The Explanation offered by members of the Royal Alcoholic Society isthat the Moisture in the Atmosphere counterbalances or nullifies, so tospeak, the interior Wetness. 

Also, the normal state of Melancholy is such that even a case ofKatzenjammer merely blends in with the surrounding Drabness. 

He experimented sincerely with the Caledonian Cure, acquiring a richsunset Glow, much affected by half-pay Majors and the elderly Toffs whoride in the Row. He began to wear his Arteries on the outside, justlike a true son of Albion. This cherry-ripe Facial Tint proves thatthe Britisher is the most rugged Chap in the World--except when he isin Stockholm. 

In fact, if the New York Duds worn by the Yank had been less of a Fit, and he could have schooled himself to look at a Herring withoutshuddering, he might have rung in as a Resident of the tight littleIsle, for he was often Tight. 

He learned to like the Smoky Taste and could even take it warm, butstill he felt Rocky, and up to 3 P. M. Was only about 30 per cent. Human. 

One evening in a polite Pub he heard about the wonderful Vin Ordinaireof Sunny France. He was told that the Peasants who irrigatedthemselves with a brunette Fluid resembling diluted Ink were husky asBeeves and simply staggering with Health. 

So he went motoring in the Grape and Chateau District and played Claretboth ways from the Middle. Every time the Petrol chariot pulled up infront of a Brasserie, he would call for a Flagon of some rare oldVintage squeezed out the day before. 

Then he would go riding at the rate of 82 Kilos an Hour, scooping upthe Climate as he scooted along. 

Notwithstanding all these brave Efforts to overtake Health, he wouldfeel like a frost-nipped Rutabaga when the matutinal Chanticleertold him that another blue Dawn was sneaking over the Hills. 

He began to figure himself a Candidate for a plain white Cot in theNerve Garage, when he heard of the wonderful Air and Dietary Advantagesof Germany. It seemed that the Fatherland was becoming CommerciallySupreme and of the greatest Military Importance because every Fritzkept himself saturated with the Essence of Munich. 

He could see on the Post-Cards that each loyal subject of Wilhelm wasplump and rosy, with Apple Cheeks and a well-defined Awning just belowthe Floating Ribs, and a Krug of dark Suds clutched in the right Mitt. 

All the way from Duesseldorf to Wohlgebaum he played the Circuit ofGardens with nice clean Gravel on the Ground and Dill Pickles festoonedamong the Caraway Trees. Every time the Military Band began to breathea new Waltz he would have Otto bring a Tub of the Dark Brew and aFrankfurter about the size of a Sash Weight. 

Between pulls he would suspire deeply, so as to get the full assistanceof the Climate. 

Sometimes he would feel that he was being benefitted. 

Often at 9 P. M. , before taking his final Schnitzel and passing gentlyinto a state of Coma, he would get ready to renounce allegiance to allthree of the Political Parties in the U. S. A. And grow one of thoseU-Shaped Mustaches. 

Next Morning, like as not, he would emerge from beneath the FeatherTick and lean against the Porcelain Stove, wondering vaguely if hecould live through the Day. 

The very Treatment which developed large and coarse-grained Soldiersall through Schleswig-Holstein seemed to make this Son of Connecticutjust about as gimpy as a wet Towel. 

Undismayed by repeated Failures, he took some Advice, given in aRathskeller, and went to a Mountain Resort famous for a certain brandof White Vinegar with a colored Landscape on the Label. 

It was said that anyone becoming thoroughly acidulated with this nobleBeverage would put a Feather into his Granulated Lid and begin toYodel. 

He sat among the snowy Peaks, entirely surrounded by the rarefiedAtmosphere so highly boosted in the Hotel Circulars, sampling a tallbottle of every kind ending with "heimer, " and yet he didn't seem toget the Results. 

At last he headed for the barbaric Region which an unkindly Fate haddesignated as Home, almost convinced that there was no Climate on theMap which would really adapt itself to all the intricate Peculiaritiesof his complicated Case. 

Often he would be found in the Reception Room just next to the shake-down Parlor. 

After reading a few pages in a popular Magazine dated two Years back, he would be admitted to the little inside Room, faintly perfumed withsomething other than New Mown Hay. Here he would cower before thedollar-a-minute Specialist, who would apply a Dictograph to the HeartRegion and then say "You are all Run Down. "

Next day the Sufferer would collect his folding Trunks and Head-AcheTablets and Hot-Water Bags and start for Florida or California or thePiney Woods. 

Sometimes he would seem to perk up for a Day or two. Enlivened by Hopeand a few Dry Martinis, he would move up to a little Table in the shadeof the sheltering Candelabrum and tackle the Carte du Jour from Caviarto Cafe Noir. 

The Climate would seem to be helping his Appetite. 

Within 24 Hours, however, he would be craving only some cold Carbonicand a few Kind Words. 

Florida seemed to enervate him. California was too unsettled. Even inthe Mountains, his Heart always bothered him after a Hearty Meal. Andthe Piney Woods only made him Pine more than ever. 

Time and again he would curl up in the palatial Drawing-Room at one endof the Sleeper and dream that six Life-Long Friends in deep Black werewhispering among the Floral Tributes and putting on Cotton Gloves. 

While searching for the Fountain of Youth he would bump intoSympathetic Souls of the kind who infest Observation Cars and holddown Rocking-Chairs in front of Wooden Hotels. These Fellow Voyagersin the realm of Hypochondria would give him various Capsules andTablets, supposed to be good for whatever Ailed one at the Time. So eager was he to regain his full vigor and be able to eat and drinkeverything forbidden by the Doctors, he would fall for every kind ofDope made from Coal Tar. 

Even if he had worn Blinders he could not have walked past anApothecary Shop. 

As he moved about the produced a muffled Castanet Effect, for he had alittle box of Medicated Bullets in every Pocket. 

Yet he was not in Condition. 

His Complexion was a Bird's-Eye Maple, and he looked like theSuperintendent of a prosperous Morgue. 

One Summer Day, when he was only about three jumps ahead of aCataleptic Convulsion, he had to get on the Cars and take a long rideto inspect some Copper Mines which helped to fatten his impotentIncome. The train was bowling through a placid Dairy Region in theCommonwealth regulated by Mr. La Follette. 

The Chronic Invalid was in the Buffet, trying to work up a Desire forLuncheon, when suddenly the Car turned a complete Somersault, becausea heavy Freight Train had met Number Six head on. 

When the Subject of this Treatise came to, he was propped up on thefront porch of a Farm House with one Leg in Splits and a kind-facedLady pressing Cold Applications to the fevered Brow. 

He was O. K. Except that he would have to lie still for a few Weekswhile the Bones did their Knitting. 

The good Country Folk would not permit him to be moved. He was deadwilling to sink back among the White Pillows and figure the AccidentInsurance. 

Through the Honeysuckles and Morning-Glories he could see the longslope of the Clover Pasture, with here and there a deliberate Cow, andthe Steeple of the Reformed Church showing above a distant clump ofSoft Maples. 

About two hours after emerging from the trance, he made his customaryDiagnosis and discovered that he was nervously shattered and in urgentneed of a most heroic Bracer. He beckoned to the president of thelocal W. C. T. U. And said if they were all out of Scotch, he could dowith a full-sized Hooker of any standard Bourbon that had matured inthe Wood and was not blended. 

Nurse readjusted his Pillow and told him that as soon as he came out ofthe Delirium he could dally with a mug of Buttermilk. 

By and by, as he gathered Strength, she would slip him some Weak Tea. 

He had heard that in some of these outlying Regions, the FamilySideboard stood for nothing stronger than Mustard, but this was thefirst time he had met Human Beings who were not on visiting Terms withthe Demon Rum. 

At the Cocktail Hour he ventured a second Request for any one of thestandard Necessities of Life, but Mrs. Peabody read him a Passage fromthe Family Medicine Book to the effect that Liquor was never to be usedexcept for Snake Bites. 

When he ordered the Hired Hand to bring him a large Snake, they gavehim a Sleeping Powder and told inquiring Neighbors that he was stillout of his Head. 

Next day he found himself alive, thanks to a wonderful Constitution. The Samaritans came and stood around his Couch and jollied him andoffered him everything except what he needed. 

When he offered to compromise on Drug-Store Sherry, the Daughter of theHousehold, Luella by name, brought out a colored Chart showing theInterior of a Moderate Drinker's Stomach. After that he was afraid toChirp. 

Even the Cigarette was Taboo among these Good People, although Fathercould Fletcherize about 10 cents' worth of Licorice Plug each workingDay. 

Far removed from the Lad with the White Apron, and with nothing toinhale except Ozone, the unhappy Bon Vivant was compelled to put upwith these most unnatural Conditions. 

When he was tired of dozing he could take his choice of any kind ofMilk and read a few more pages of Robinson Crusoe. 

Then ensued the Miracle. 

His Nerves began to unspiral themselves and lie down. He began to situp and listen for the Toot of the Dinner Horn. 

As soon as he could hobble on Crutches they put him on the Hay Scales, and he thought the Thing was out of Whack, for he had taken on 4Pounds. 

The Fresh Garden truck seemed superior to any that he had been able toobtain in the Best Restaurants. 

What was more amazing, he now evinced a critical Interest in ClydesdaleColts and Leghorn Roosters, although nothing of the sort had ever comeinto his Life while he had an Apartment in Forty-seventh Street. 

When he took his game Leg back to the Metropolis, he hurried to theClub and made a startling Report to all the broken-down Sportsassembled in the Card-Room. 

He said he had discovered the only Climate in the World. It hadSwitzerland skinned and was not enervating, like Florida, for he hadbeen sleeping like a Baby and felt like a 2-year-old every A. M. , inspite of the fact that he could not get his regular Rations. 

He wanted to organize a Company and build a Million Dollar Hotel atOnce. 

With a New York Steward to supply the Table and a well-stocked Cellar, the Resort ought to get all the classy Trade, for he hoped to die ifthe Air out there hadn't done more for him in One Month than Europe haddone in the whole Year. 

MORAL: Nature will sometimes help the Unfortunate who finds itimpossible to reach out and help Himself. 

THE NEW FABLE OF THE FATHER WHO JUMPED IN

Once there was a leading Citizen with only one Daughter, but she wasSome Offspring. 

Bernice was chief Expense Account and Crown Jewel of a Real EstateJuggler who had done so well that all the Strap-Hangers regarded him asan Enemy to Society. 

Papa was foolish, even as a Weasel. 

He was what you might call Honest, which signified that all of his LowWork had been done by Agents. 

A Person of rare judgment, withal. He never copped a piece of bulkySwag unless he had a Wheelbarrow with him at the time. 

He had been going East with the Green Goods ever since the Party inPower precipitated the first Panic. 

He had Stacks of the Needful, and his Rating was AA Plus 1, to saynothing of a Reserve cached in the little Tin Box. 

Daughter alone could include him to unbuckle, and melt, and jar loose, and come across, and kick in, and sting the Check-Book. 

One day Bernice was a Little Girl, and the next she was head Flossieamong the Debutantes, with a pack of Society Hounds pursuing in FullCry, each willing to help count the Bank Roll. 

Father was scared pink when he sized up the Field. 

He still wore box-toed Boots and carried Foliage on the Sub-Maxillaryso that those who came ringing the Front Bell didn't look very luckyto him. 

Sometimes he would dream that he had been pushed into a Mausoleum andthat a slender Cyril with a Lady's Watch strapped on his wrist wasspending all of that Money for Signed Etchings. 

Whereupon he would awake in a Cold Sweat and try to think of a safeRecipe for poisoning Boulevard Blighters. 

One day Bernice went out into the Sunshine and found something andbrought it home with her and put it on a Rug in the Elizabethan Room. 

Father came in and took one look and said: "Not for Mine! I won'tstand for any Puss Willow being grafted on to our Family Tree. "

His name was Kenneth, and he reduced his Percentage on the first day byhaving the hem-stitched Mouchoir tucked inside of the Cuff. 

Also, it was rumored that he put oil on his Eye-Brows and rubbedPerfumery on the backs of his Hands. 

Father walked around the He-Canary twice, looking at him over theSpecs, and then he rushed to the Library and kicked the Upholstery outof an $80 chair. 

He could see the love-light glinting in the Eyes of Bernice. She hadfallen for the Flukus. 

Kenneth was installed as Steady. 

When Bernice saw him turn the Corner and approach the House, he lookedto her like Rupert, the long lost Heir--while Father discerned only aninsect too large to be treated with Powder. 

Kenneth was the kind of Sop that you see wearing Evening Clothes on aColored Post-Card. 

If his private Estate had been converted into Pig Iron, he could havecarried it in his Watch Pocket. 

He was re-fined and had lovely Teeth, but those who knew him wellbelieved the Story that when he was a Babe in Arms, the Nurse had lethim fall and strike on the Head. 

He wore his Hair straight back and used Patent Leather dressing. He was full of Swank and put on much Side and wore lily-colored Spatsand was an awful Thing all around, from Pa's point of view. 

In a crowd of Bank Directors he would have been a cheap Swivel, butamong the Women Folks he was a regular Bright Eyes. 

When you passed through the Archway of his Intellectual Domain youfound yourself in the Next Block. 

But--he could go into a Parlor and sprinkle Soothing Syrup all over theRugs. 

He had a Vaudeville Education and a small Tenor Voice, with the resultthat many a fluttering Birdie regarded him as the bona-fide Ketchup. Bernice thought she was lucky to have snared him away from the others, and she had slipped him the whispered Promise, come Weal, come Woe. She had no Mother to guide her, and it looked as if the Family wasabout to have a Bermuda wished on to it. 

No wonder Father was stepping sideways. 

He would come home in the evening and find the Mush perched on a Thronein the Spot Light, shooting an azure-blue Line of desiccated Drool, with Bernice sitting out in front and Encoring. 

Then he would retire to the back part of the House to bark at theButler and act as if he had been eating Red Meat. 

He knew that if he elbowed in and tried to break up the Clinch, itwould mean a Rope Ladder, a piece in the Papers, and a finalReconciliation, with Parent playing the usual role of Goat. 

He was resolved not to put in the remainder of his Days beingpanhandled by a Souffle who wore Dancing Pumps in the Daytime. Theproblem was to get shut of the Rodent without resorting to any RoughStuff. 

Father had never heard tell of the Perils of Propinquity, and hethought Psychology had something to do with Fish. 

Just the same, he remembered about a Quail a day for 30 days, and heknew that the most agreeable Perfumery would not smell right ifapplied with a Garden Hose. 

Likewise, he suspected that many a Quarter-Horse would blow, if putinto a two-mile Handicap. 

So he blocked out a Program which proved that Solomon had nothing onhim. 

Instead of grilling young Kenneth and holding him up to Contumely andforbidding him the use of the Cozy Corner, he started in to boost theLove Match. 

Kenneth all but moved in his Trunk. 

Father had a chance to weigh him, down to the last Ounce, and study thesimple Mechanism of his transparent Personality. 

Father classified the would-be Child-in-Law as a Gobbie, which means aHome-Wrecker who is still learning his Trade. 

The Candidate became a regular Boarder. 

Kenneth would sit right up close to old Cash-in-Hand, who would egg himon to tell Dialect Stories and, after that, show how to make a Salad. The Stories were some that Marshall Wilder stopped using in 1882 andsince then have been outlawed on the Kerosene Circuit. 

After Bernice had heard these Almanac Wheezes 26 or 28 times, she wouldsit still and look at the Center-Piece while Lover was performing. 

The Gags didn't sound as killing as they had at first, and sometimesshe wished the Dear Boy would chop on them. 

No chance. Father had him kidded into believing that all the oldham-fat Riddles were simply Immense. 

As for that Salad Specialty, the poor Gink who calls loudly for EnglishMustard and thinks he is a Genius because he can rub a Bowl with asprig of Garlic, may have his brief Hour of Triumph, but no man everreally got anywhere by doping Salad, when you stop to add it all up. 

Father would put the two young people together in the back of theTouring Car and ride them around for Hours at a time. 

Anybody who has cut in on one of those animated AutomobileConversations, while the salaried Maniac from France is hitting up 42miles an Hour, will tell you that the hind end of a Motor Vehicle is nogood Trysting Place for an Engaged Couple. 

Bernice would get home after one of these wild swoops into the realm ofthe Death Angel, and totter to her room and lie down, and murmur: "Iwonder what ailed Kenneth to-day. He seemed Preoccupied. "

That Same Evening, just when she needed Smelling Salts and AbsoluteQuiet, her enthusiastic Father would have Fiance up to Dinner and pullthe same stale Repertoire and splash around in the Oil and Vinegar. 

If any Guests were present, then Father would play Introducer and tellthem beforehand how good Kenneth was. 

When given his Cue, the Lad would swell up and spring a hot One aboutthe Swede and the Irishman, while Bernice would fuss with the Salt andwonder dimly if the Future had aught in store for her except DialectStuff. 

Father had read on a Blotter somewhere that Absence makes the Heartgrow fonder, so he played his System with the Reverse English. He arranged a nice long trip by Land and Water and took the maleSweetheart along, so that the Doting Pair could be together atBreakfast. 

His cunning had now become diabolical. He was getting ready to applythe Supreme Test. 

Every Morning, when Bernice looked over her Baked Apple she saw nothingin this wide World except Kenneth, still reeking of Witch Hazel andspotted with Talcum Powder, and not very long on SparklingConversation. 

When he was propped up in the cold Dawn, with his eyes partially open, he did not resemble a Royal Personage nearly as much as he had in someof his earlier Photographs. 

Father would order soft-boiled Eggs to be Eaten from the Shell. WhenKenneth got around to these, he would cease to be a Romantic Figure forat least a few Minutes. Bernice would turn away in dread and look outat the swaying Trees and long to see some of her Girl Friends backhome. 

After Kenneth had been served to her, three meals a day, for two Weeksand they had ridden together for Ages and Ages, in PullmanCompartments, she made certain horrible Discoveries. 

One of his Ears was larger than the other. 

He made a funny noise with his Adam's Apple when drinking Hot Coffee. 

When he was annoyed, he bit his nails. 

When suffering from a Cold, he was Sniffy. 

The first time she became aware of the slight discrepancy in Ears, shesuffered only a slight Annoyance. It handed her a tiny Pang to find aFlaw in a Piece of Work that she had regarded as Perfect. 

After she had seen nothing else but those Ears for many, many Days, itbecame evident to her that if Kenneth truly loved her, he would go andhave them fixed. 

Likewise, every time her Heart's Delight lifted the Cup to his RubyLips, she would grip the Table Cloth with both Hands, and whisper toherself, "Now we get the Funny Noise. "

Kenneth, in the mean while, had found out that her Hair did not alwayslook the same, but one who is striving to get a Meal Ticket for Lifecannot be over-fastidious. 

He was Game and stood ready to obey all Orders in order to pull downthe Capital Prize. 

He had been such a Hit in the Maple-Sundae Set that he could notconceive the possibility of any Female becoming satiated with hisSociety. 

The poor Loon never stopped to figure out that the only way to keep aGirl sitting up and interested is to stay away once in a while and giveher a Vacation. 

Father was right on the Job to see that Bernice had no Vacation. Heframed it up to give her a Foretaste of Matrimony every Day in the Week. If the Future Husband wandered more than thirty feet from her side, Father would nail him and Sic him on to her again. 

She would look up and say: "Oh, Fury! Look who's here again!"

This was no way for a true-hearted Maiden to speak of her Soul Mate. 

Father put the Cap Sheaf on his big Experiment by accepting aninvitation to go Yachting. 

He put them side by side on Deck and told them to comfort each other, in case anything happened. 

They never could have been quite the same to each other after that Day. Bernice wanted to get back on Shore and hunt her Room and peel down toa Kimono and refuse any Callers for a Month. 

Even the accepted Swain was beginning to slow up. He could rememberthe time when he used to sit around with members of his own Sex. 

Father had no Mercy. He took the two Invalids back to Land and roundedthem up for Breakfast next morning. 

When Kenneth appeared, he was slightly greenish in Color. 

One Ear was three times as large as the other. He had caught a SniffyCold. 

In partaking of his Coffee he made Sounds similar to those comingthrough the Partition when the People in the adjoining Flat havetrouble with the Plumbing. 

He saw Bernice glaring at him and bit his Nails in Embarrassment. 

Father felt the Crisis impending and laid on the last Straw. 

"I was trying to recall that Story, " said he--"the One about the Germanand the Dog. "

Bernice gave one Shriek and then dashed from the Room, makinghysterical Outcries along the Corridor. 

Father told Kenneth to check all the Trunks for Home and then catch anearly Train. 

Bernice was squirming about on the Hotel Sofa when Father entered theRoom. 

She threw herself into his Arms and passionately demanded, "Why, oh, why are you trying to force me into marrying that Creature?"

MORAL: Don't get acquainted too soon. 

THE NEW FABLE OF THE UPLIFTER AND HIS DANDY LITTLE OPUS

Once there was a Litry Guy who would don his Undertaker's Regalia andthe White Satin Puff Tie and go out of an Afternoon to read a Paper tothe Wimmen. 

At every Tea Battle and Cookie Carnival he was hailed as the Big Hero. A good many pulsating Dulcineas who didn't know what "Iconoclast"meant, regarded him as an awful Iconoclast. 

And cynical? Mercy!

When he stood up in a Front Room and Unfolded his MS. , and swallowedthe Peppermint Wafer and began to Bleat, no one in the World of Letterswas safe. 

He would wallop Dickens and jounce Kipling and even take a side-swipeat Luella Prentiss Budd, who was the Poetess Laureate for the Ward inwhich he lived. 

Ever since his Stuff had been shot back by a Boston Editor with aComplimentary Note, he had billed himself as an Author and had beenpointed out as such at more than one Chautauqua. 

Consequently his Views on Recent Fiction carried much weight with theCarries. 

He loved to pile the Fagots around a Best Seller and burn it to aCinder, while the Girls past 30 years of Age sat in front of him andShuddered. 

As for the Drama, he could spread a New York Success on the marble-topTable and dissect it until nothing was left but the Motif, and then hewould heave that into the Waste Basket, thereby leaving the Stage inAmerica flat on its back. 

And if you mentioned Georgie Cohan to him, the Foam would begin tofleck his Lips and he would go plumb Locoed. 

After he had been sitting on the Fence for many years, booing those whotried to saw Wood, his Satellites began coaxing him to write somethingthat would show up Charley Klein and Gus Thomas and all the otherFour-Flushers who were raking in Royalties under False Pretences. 

They knew he was a Genius, because nothing pleased him. 

He decided to start with something easy and dash off an Operetta. Having sat through some of the Current Offerings, he noted that theDialogue was unrelated to Real Literature and the Verses lackedMetrical Symmetry. 

It would be a Pipe for a sure-enough Bard to sit down on a RainyAfternoon and grind out something that might serve as a Model for HarryB. Smith. 

So he had a Vase of Fresh Flowers put on his Desk every Day, and hewould sit there, waiting for the Muse to keep her Date. 

At the end of a Month he had it all planned to lay the First Scene infront of a Palace with a Forest on the Back Drop so as to get a lot ofAtmosphere. 

There was to be a Princess in the Thing, and a Picture of the long-lostMother in the Locket and other New Stuff. 

He put in Hours and Hours hand-embroidering the Verses. 

When he made "Society" rhyme with "Propriety, " he thought he wasgetting Gilbertian. 

While these Lyrics were still quivering, he would take them out andread them to his wife and the Hired Girl and the man who attended tothe Furnace, and get their Impartial Judgement. 

They agreed that it was Hot Gravy and too good for the Stage. 

Encouraged by these heart-felt Encomiums, he would hike back to theStudy, shoot himself in the Arm with a hypothetical Needle, and oncemore begin picking Grapes in Arcady. 

When People came to the House, not knowing that he had been taken downwith anything, he would own up that he was working on a Mere Trifle, and then, after being sufficiently urged, he would give a Reading. 

These Readings could have been headed off only by an Order of Court orcalling out the State Guard. 

Inasmuch as the large-size Carnegie Medal for Heroism is waiting forthe Caller who has the immortal Rind to tell a poetical Pest that hisoutput is Punk, the Author found himself smeared with Compliments aftereach of these parlor Try-Outs. 

They kidded him into thinking that he had incubated a Whale. 

When he had chewed up a Gross of Pencils and taken enough Tea to floatthe Imperator, the great Work was complete and ready to be launchedwith a loud Splash. 

He began to inquire the Name of some prominent Theatre Blokie who was akeen Student of the Classics and a Person of super-refined Taste. The man he sought had moved into the Poor House, so he compromised byexpressing his typewritten Masterpiece to a Ringmaster whose name hehad seen on the Three Sheets. It was marked, "Valuable Package. "In a few months the hirelings of the Company and the Driver of theWagon became well acquainted with the Large Envelope containing theonly Hope of the present decadent Period. 

Every time the Work came back to him, with a brief printed Suggestionthat any Male Adult not physically disabled could make $1. 75 a day witha Shovel, the Author would appear at the Afternoon Club with anotherscathing arraignment of certain Commercial Aspects of the Modern Stage. He saw that it was over their Heads. 

It was too darned Dainty for a Flat-Head who spelt Art with a lower-case "a. "

Yet it was so drenched and saturated and surcharged with Merit that heresolved to have it done by Local Amateurs rather than see it lost tothe World. 

The Music was written by Genius No. 2, working in a Piano Store. Hehad been writing Great Music for years. 

Whenever he heard something catchy, he went home and wrote it. 

He was very Temperamental. That is, he got soused on about three, and, while snooted, would deride Victor Herbert, thus proving that he wasBrilliant, though Erratic. 

He had a trunkful of Tunes that were too scholarly for the Ikeys whopublish Popular Trash. 

He fitted them on to the Libretto written by the Litry Guy. 

When the two got together to run over the Book and Score, they weresure enthusiastic. 

The Author said the Lines were the best he had ever heard, and theComposer said the Numbers were all Gems. 

When the Home Talent bunch pulled the whole Affair before a mob ofPersonal Friends and a subsidized City Editor, it was a Night ofTriumph for all concerned. 

The trained and trusty Liars who, in every Community, wear EveningClothes and stand around at Receptions, all crowded up to the Authorand gave him the Cordial Mitt and boosted something scandalous. He didn't know that all of them Knocked after they got around the DutchLunch. 

He went home, sobbing with Joy. That night he nominated himself forthe Hall of Fame and put it to a Vote, and there was not one DissentingVoice. 

Every deluded Boob who can bat up Fungoes in his own Back Yard thinkshe is qualified to break into a Major League and line out Two-Baggers. 

There was no holding the inspired Librettist and the talented youngComposer. 

They knew that the eager Public in 48 States was waiting for the BestThing since "Robin Hood. "

The Author went up to the City and found a Manager who had a Desk and alot of Courage and a varied experience in risking other people's Coin. After the two Geniuses had mortgaged their Homes, the Impresario wasenabled to get some Scenery built and rally a large Drove of Artists--most of them carrying Hand Bags. 

During Rehearsals the brutal Stage Manager wanted to cut the Gizzardout of the Book and omit most of the sentimental Arias, but Mr. Wordsand Mr. Music emitted such shrieks of protest against the threatenedSacrilege that he allowed all the select home-made Guff to remain inthe Script. 

He thought it would serve them right. 

When they gave the first Real Performance in a Dog Town on a drizzlyevening in November, there was not Social Eclat to fill the sails. 

The House was mostly Paper and therefore very Missouri. 

Also a full delegation from the Coffin-Trimmers' Union with Cracked Icein their Laps. 

They did not owe any Money to the Author or have any Kinfolk in theCast, so they sat back with their Hands under them and allowed thepretty little Opera to die like an Outcast. 

The only Laugh in the Piece was when the Drop Curtain refused to work. 

After the Show the Manager met them at an Oyster House and told themthey had eased a Persimmon to him. 

He said the whole Trick was a Bloomer. It was just as funny as aWooden Leg. It needed much Pep and about two tons of Bokum. 

Both Words and Music refused to countenance any radical Changes. They said it would be another "Cavalleria" as soon as they could do itbefore an intelligent Audience of True-Lovers. 

The Ex-Minstrel Man said there wasn't no such Animal as an intelligentPlay-goer. 

The Simp that pushed his Metal into the Box Office wanted SomethingDoing every minute and many Gals, otherwise it was back to the Store-House and a Card in the Clipper. 

The Call on the Board read "Everybody at Ten, " but the brainy Writerand the versatile Composer were not included. 

When they appeared at the Stage Door they were met by Props, who toldthem to get to a certain Place out of there. 

Standing in the Alley, they could hear Wails of Anguish, and they knewthat their Child was having the Vital Organs removed. 

The celebrated Author of the Graveyard Rag had been summoned in haste. He was in charge of the Clinic--taking out the Grammar and putting inGags. 

The Duos and Ensembles were being dropped through the Trap Door to makeway for recent Song Hits from the alcoholic Cabarets. 

The Ax fell right on the powdered Neck of the beautiful Prima Donna, who had studied for Grand Opera, but never had been able to find anOrchestra that would fit her Voice. 

Her Part was changed from a Princess to a Shop-Lifter and was assignedto Cissy St. Vitus, late of a Burlesque Bunch known as the Lady Bugs. The Tenor was given the Hook, and his sentimental Role was entrustedto a Head-Spinner who had acquired his Dramatic Schooling with theRingling Circus. 

All of which comes under the head of whipping a Performance into Shape. 

When the two Geniuses sat out in front they recognized nothing exceptthe Scenery and Costumes. 

Their idyllic Creation had been mangled into a roughhouse Riot, inwhich Disorderly Conduct alternated with the shameless Gyrationstaught in San Francisco. 

The last Act had been omitted altogether without affecting thecoherency of the Story. 

The Plot died just four minutes after the Ring-Up. 

Although the Report showed 27 Encores and the Gate began to jump $80 aNight, both the intellectual Troubadour and the Student of Counter-Harmonies went to the Manager and cried on his Shoulder and said thattheir Beautiful work had been ruined. 

He called attention to the Chunk of Money tied up in Silk Tights andfireproof Borders. 

When it came to a show-down between Dough and Art he didn't propose totear up his Meal Ticket. 

If they would beat it and stay hid and leave the Artists fatten uptheir Scenes, probably the Bloomer could be converted into a Knock-Out. 

While they were in the Sanitarium, the former Minstrel King and youngAbie Fixit from the Music Foundry cut out the last vestiges of theOriginal Stuff and put in two Turns that had landed strong over thewhole Orpheum Circuit. 

The romantic Operetta now became known as Another One of Those Things. 

It was eagerly discussed by Club Women and College Students. 

Good seats down in the Observation Rows were not to be had except atthe Hotel News Stand. 

The Litry Guy and the Music-Maker came out of the Rest Cure to learnthat they had registered a Hit and could get their names in "Who'sWho. "

With the Royalty Checks coming in from the eastern Centers of Culturethey were enabled to buy four-cylinder Cars with which to go riding inlonesome Country Lanes, far from the sight of a Bill-Board. 

When the Number Two Company came along presenting the MetropolitanSuccess in the One-Nighters, the reincarnated Gilbert and Sullivanpacked up their Families and escaped to French Lick. 

It was a Sell-Out, because all the Members of the Research Club wantedto see that new Dido called the Chicken Flop. 

There was no knocking at the Dutch Lunches that night. 

Every one said the Show was a Bint, but they thought it was up to theAuthor to resign from the Baptist Church. 

MORAL: In elevating the Drama be sure to get it High enough, even ifyou have to make it a trifle Gamey. 

THE NEW FABLE OF THE WANDERING BOY AND THE WAYWARD PARENT

Once there was a story-book Stripling who uncoupled himself from aYahoo Settlement and moseyed up to the Congested Crossings and theElectric Signs. In due time he returned, wearing Gloves and with hisTeeth full of Gold. 

Ever since that historic Example it has been the daily desire of theYokel, staked down in a County Seat, to walk in on Judge Gary and forma Partnership. 

It befell that after a High School Alumnus had gone to a Varsity andscaled the fearsome heights of Integral and Differential Calculus, hecame home to get some more of Father's Shirts and Handkerchiefs andtake a new Slant at Life's doubtful Vista, while getting his Board fornothing. 

The Town of his Nativity did not occupy many Pages in the statisticalCensus Reports. In fact, all the travelling Troupers who had workedfor K. And E. Referred to it as a Lime, which is the same as a Lemon, only smaller. 

The ambitious Bachelor of Arts had a lot of Geological Data and CollegeFraternity Lore stowed away under his Mortar-Board. His hopes were seton something more noble than a Chair and a Table and a Blotter in adusty Office up the Stairway leading to Odd Fellows' Hall. 

So he resolved to hit the long Trail leading to a Modern Babylon wherethe Evening papers were on the Streets before Noon. 

He figured that a Gazimbat with a John C. Calhoun Forehead and a lot ofinside Dope on Hindoo Anthology could break into almost any Reservoirof Culture and bring home the Bacon. 

Parents were dead willing to have him migrate and take his Tailor Billswith him, but they shivered with Dread when it came time to ship him toGomorrah. 

They knew all about the unbridled Deviltry of the City, having seen thelarge colored Illustrations in the Sunday Papers. 

They had it on good Authority that the whole sub-stratum of UrbanExistence was honeycombed with Rathskellers, while a Prominent Actresswaited on almost every Corner, soliciting Travel on the Taxicab Routeto the everlasting Coke Ovens. 

While Elmer's fragile Steamer Trunk was being hoisted into the Dray, all the Relations who had assisted in bringing him up by Hand clusteredaround the melodeon and sang, "Oh, where is my Boy to-night?"

After the Day Coach had pulled away from the Depot, he opened the Shoe-Box to extract a Crull and found a Book written by T. DeWitt Talmage, in which many Passages were marked. 

He arrived at Union Station with his Fingers crossed. He told himselfthat he would break into a Dog Trot every time Vice beckoned to him. After he had hung up his Diploma and Razor Strop in the third-storyRecess of a very naughty Beanery, he hunted up some of the dear oldPals with whom he had bunked in the Dorm. 

They told him they would put him next to a lot of nice clean People. He began to tremble, fearing that some one was about to offer himChampagne, but the Orgy to which they conducted him was merely ameeting of the Civic Purifiers in a basement underneath a Church. He had not expected to find any Churches in the great wicked City. Hethought each side of the Street would be built up solidly withSyndicate Theatres, Bacchanalian Bazaars, and Manicure Pitfalls. 

Instead of finding Vice triumphant, he learned that it was being chasedup an Alley by the entire Police Force and the Federation of Women'sClubs. 

He had the gift of Gab and a natural thirst for Tea, and the firstthing he knew he had been drawn into so many Campaigns for SocialBetterment that he had no time to hunt up conventional Temptations, such as the Welsh Rabbit or the Musical Comedy. 

He found himself sitting next to a new type of Lassie. She had noHeels on her Shoes, pronounced each Syllable distinctly, and believedthat her Mission in Life was to carry Maeterlinck to the Masses. 

In nearly every Instance she had a Father who acted as frozenFigurehead for some Trust Company. 

Consequently, Elmer began to perk up and serve on Committees which metin Exclusive Homes and were entirely surrounded by Mahogany. 

Whenever an Intellectual Queen pushed the Button, Elmer was right therewith a Pitcher of Ice Water. 

His Researches had proved to him that one of the Keenest Enjoyments ofCity Life is to remain away from the glaring Lobster Palace, especiallywhen one can get one's Mallard Duck free of charge in a Flat rentingfor $6000 a Year. 

Elmer became identified with the Cleaning Brigade of the Reform Elementsimply by riding on the Current of Events. 

Adapting himself unconsciously to his antisepticized Environment, heacquired the Art of putting over the saccharine Extemporaneous Address, and he could smile, with his Teeth exposed, for an Hour at a time. In fact, he was a great Success. 

At first he took in the Symphony Orchestra because he was draggedthither. After about two years the Virus had permeated his System, andhe was a regular Brahmsite. If he didn't get a full dose of Peer Gyntevery few days, he was as nervous as a Cat. 

The tall and straight-grained Heiress who finally landed him was onlytoo glad to slip him the Bank-Book and tell him to go and sit in withthe other Directors. 

And now, having become a shiny Pillar in the Presbyterian Temple andone of the most respected Umbrella-Carriers on the Avenue, he felt alonging to beat it back to the home Burg and exhibit his Virtues to themembers of the I-Knew-Him-When Club. 

He wanted to patronize the Friends of his Youth and note theExpressions of Discomfiture on the so-called Faces of Aunt Lib andUncle Jethro, both of whom had told around that he was a Gnat (Net)and never would amount to a Hill of Beans. 

Elmer expected to find the same spotted Dog asleep in front of theCommercial Hotel and the same Stick Candy exhibited in the ShowWindows. 

But, while he had been witnessing the downfall of Evil in the busyMetropolis, the Home Town had been putting on a little Side-Show of itsown. 

Along at the gateway of the 20th Century, every undersized Hamlet shownin the Atlas became seized with a Desire to throw on City Lugs. 

The same Father who had marked the Talmage Book for Elmer becameChairman of the House Committee in a Club which undertook to serveanything usually found on either side of a Cash Register. 

Being in the heart of the Residence District, this select Organizationcould not obtain a regular License. 

However, having the moral support of the Best People, it maintained aBlind Pig. 

The combination of Blind Pig, two playful Kitties up-stairs, and a lotof gay Dogs spread out on the upholstered Chairs, certainly proved tobe some Menagerie. 

It was a matter of Pride with the Members that the Colored Boy couldshake up anything known to the Regular Trade at the Knickerbocker orthe Plaza. 

One of their main Delights, also, was to welcome the Stranger, whothought he was sojourning among the Rubes, and lead him into the RoodleDepartment, the purpose being to get him out on a Limb and then saw offthe Limb. 

Poker was written in a Small Town. The Hay-Mow Graduate with a limitedIncome, who counts up every Night and sets aside so much for WheatCakes, can hold them closer to his Bosom and play them tighter than anyShark that ever floated down the Mississippi. 

The newcomer who tried to be Liberal usually went home in his StockingFeet. 

Day by Day the Progressive Element in the Community widened itsHorizon, and the Country Club became a Necessity. 

The 9-hole Course was laid out by a Scotch Professional, and everyLocker contained something besides Clubs. 

When the Church Bells were ding-donging at 10 A. M. On Sunday, theformer teacher of the Bible Class and the back-sliding Basso of theChoir would be zig-zagging around the Links, the Stake being a Ball aHole. 

Elmer's Father became a Demon with the Irons and had his Name engravedon a Consolation Cup. 

Simultaneous with the Golf Epidemic, a good many Families that couldnot afford Kitchen Cabinets began to glide around in red Touring-Cars. Any one smelling the Blue Smoke along Main Street and then looking bothways before dashing across to the Drug Store was compelled to admitthat the Jays had awakened from their Long Sleep. 

Refined Vawdyville was on tap daily, and the Children of those who wereonly moderately well-to-do knew all the latest improper Songs. 

While the men were changing from Jumpers to Tuxedos, the Sisters hadnot remained stationary. 

The Lap Supper was formally abolished soon after Puff Sleeves went out. Girls who had been brought up on Parchesi and Muggins would sit aroundthe Bridge Table all afternoon, trying to cop out some Lace for the newParty Dress. 

An imported Professor taught the Buds how to Tango and Trot. 

Within a week after a new one had horrified Newport, the Younger Setwould have it down pat and be mopping up the floor with one another. Of course they were denounced by the local Ministers, but the GuiltyParties never heard the Denunciations, as they were out Motoring atthe time. 

Whenever there was a Big Session, all Bridles were removed and theSpeed Limit abolished. 

Riding home in the Livery Hacks about 4 A. M. , the Merry-Makerswould be all in, but much gratified to know that Vienna and Paree hadnothing on them as regards Rough House. 

All the Elite would get together and open a Keg of Spikes at theslightest Provocation. 

It was remarkable how much Dull Care they could banish in one Evening, especially if they got an Early Start. 

The Town Pump did a punk Business, but the Side-Boards blossomed withFusel Oil and Fizzerine. 

Intense Excitement prevailed when word came that Elmer was En Route. Little Knots of People could be seen standing on the Corners, framinga Schedule of Entertainment which involved nearly everything exceptSleep. 

They said to themselves: "It is up to us to show this proud Pill fromthe City that we can be a bit Goey when the Going is right. If hethinks he can pull any new Wrinkles on the Provincials, he is entitledto another Think. We must get into our Evening Glads early thisAfternoon and clear the Decks for a Hard Night. "

While they were making these grim Preparations, Elmer was doubled up inSection 8, reading a sterilized Magazine from Boston. Subconsciouslyhe counted the peaceful Days that would ensue. 

He figured on going back to the dear old Room under the Eaves, with apatch-work Quilt on the Four-Poster and a Steel Engraving of U. S. Grant on the Wall. 

Having devoted many Days to the Annual Report of the Purity Brigade, hewas due to turn in at 9 o'clock each evening, while recuperating in theCountry. 

The sanctified Product of the new and regenerative Influences at workin every City was plunked down in the Hot-bed of Gaiety at about 4P. M. . 

The Comrades of his Boyhood were massed on the Platform. As healighted, they sang, "Hail! Hail! the gang's All Here!" and so on andso on. 

They had acquired a Running Start. It was their belief that Elmerwould be gratified to know that all the Elect had become slightlyspiffed in his Honor. 

They sent his Stuff up to the House, crowded Two-Weeks' Cards into hisPockets, and bore him away in a Town Car to the Club, where Relays werewaiting to extend Hospitality to the returned Exile until he wasPlastered. 

They seemed to think he had devoted the years of his Absence tobuilding up a Thirst. 

Their Dismay was genuine when he timidly informed the IrrigationCommittee that he desired Vichy. 

They told him he was a Celluloid Sport and that his refusal to Libatewas little short of an Affront. 

Escaping from the Comanches, he hurried to the Old Homestead to sit bythe Grate Fire and tease the Cat. 

He found Pa and Ma dolled up like a couple of aristocratic Equines, much Awning over the Front Stoop, and strange Waiters hot-footingthrough the Hallways. 

In order to make it seem as much like the City as possible, they hadribbed up a swell combination Gorge and Deluge, to be followed by anIndoor Circus, a Carnival of Terpsichorean Eccentricities, and acorrect Reproduction of Monte Carlo at the height of the Season. 

Therefore, when their Only Child suggested that he would fain hie tothe Husks at a Reasonable Hour, they told him that Slumber was madefor Slaves and to take his Feet out of his Lap and move around. 

Having led a sheltered Life among the devotees of Jane Addams andJacob Riis, he was dazed and horrified to find himself suddenlysubjected to the demoralizing Influences of the Small Town. 

They scoffed at him when he said that his regular twilight Repast was asaucer of granose Flakes, a mere sliver of White Meat, and some dilutedMilk. 

His home was near the White Light District, and they just knew that hewas accustomed to bathe in the Bubbles. 

He sat back benumbed for many hours watching the wicked Rusticsperform. 

He had read about such things in the reports of the Commission, butthis was the first time that he had ever really been Slumming. 

When he weakened on the Bumper Proposition and disavowed anyfamiliarity with the Texas Tommy spasm or the fine points of Auction, the sophisticated ones exchanged significant Glances. 

They tumbled to the Fact that Elmer was not such a much, even if he didreside at Headquarters. It was evident that he had not been travellingwith the Real Razmataz Rompers. 

He was panned to a Whisper next day. The Verdict was in. Elmer wasbranded a Dead One. 

He is now in the crowded City, trying to arrange to have his rowdyParents come in and take the Cure. 

MORAL: Those having the most Time to devote to a Line of Endeavorusually become the most Proficient. 

THE NEW FABLE OF WHAT TRANSPIRES AFTER THE WIND-UP

Once upon a time Ferdinand breathed right into Adele's translucentListener those three Words which hold all Records as monosyllabicTrouble-Makers. 

They have a harmless look on the Printed Page, but when pulled at thePsychological turn of the Road, they become the Funeral Knell ofBachelor Freedom and a Prelude to cutting the String on whatever hasbeen put by. 

The Serpent, operating in the guise of a Lover in a Serge Suit, hadlured, cajoled, wheedled, and finessed until the poor trembling Child, only twenty-four years of Age, was alone with him in what theLandscaper had worked off on her Papa as a Formal Garden. 

They stood clinched there in the dull Sunset Glow, with a Pergola fora Background. It was all very Belasco and in strict compliance withthe League Rules laid down by W. Somerset Maugham. 

According to the $2 Drama and every bright red Volume selling for $1. 18at a Department Store, this was

 THE END

The Curtain began to descend very slowly, with Ferdinand and Adeleholding the Picture. 

It seems, however, that they had not come to the real, sure-enoughFinis. The Terminus was some distance down the Line. 

The Curtain refused to fall. 

"What is the idea?" asked Adele, somewhat perturbed. "We have hit thelogical Climax of our Romance. As I understand it, we are now supposedto ascend in a Cloud and float through Ethereal Bliss for an indefinitePeriod. "

"Right-o!" said the Fiance. "According to all the approved Dope, weare booked to live happily ever after. "

Just then Her Best Friend came rapidly down the Gravel Walk withAnxiety stenciled on her Features. 

The accepted Swain seemed to hear a low rumbling Wagnerian Effect fromout the Clear Sky. In Music-Drama it is known as the Hammer Theme. It is included in the Curriculum at every Fem Sem. 

Ferdinand had a Hunch that somebody was getting ready to drop Cyanideof Potassium into his Cup of Joy. 

"Oh, Adele!" said the Friend, just like that. "Oh, Adele, may I speakto you for a Mo-munt?"

Ferdinand made his Exit, much peeved, and the Friend expressed a Hopethat she had arrived in time to throw the Switch and avert the Wreckingof a Life. 

Far be it from her to Snitch, but it was her Duty to put Adele wise towhat every one was whispering Under Cover. 

She had no absolute Proof that he had carried on with a Front Row Flossin New Haven, but it was Common Talk that one of his Uncles had been aRegular at a Retreat where the Doctor shoots a Precious Metal into theArm. 

It would be terrible to marry someone and then find out that he Drank, the same as all the other Married Men. 

Leaving Adele in a Deep Swoon, the true Friend hurried to the nearestPublic 'Phone to spread the dismal Tidings. 

In the meantime the elated Lover had loped all the way to theUniversity club to spring it on the Navajos and receive theirFelicitations. 

His Rapture had rendered him fairly incoherent, and he was gurglinglike an after-dinner Percolator; but he finally made it evident that hehad been Hooked. 

A deep Silence ensued, most of those present looking out the Window atthe passing Traffic. 

Finally a Shell-Back, who had been leading a Life of Single Tormentever since Sumter was fired upon, asked in a sepulchral Tone andwithout looking up from his Hand, "Has the Date been set?"

Ferdinand tried to tell them that he was going to the Altar and not tothe Electric Chair, but he couldn't get a single Slap on the Back. 

The only one evincing Interest was a He-Hen named Herbert, who took himinto the Cloak-Room to plant a few Canadian Thistles in the Garden ofLove. 

Herb said he had always liked the Girl, even if she had given a coupleof his Best Pals the Whillykathrow. 

His Advice was to up and marry her before she had time to pull one ofher temperamental Stunts and hand out the Rinkaboo. 

Possibly if she could be weaned away from her eccentric Relations andgoverned with a Firm Hand she would turn out O. K. . 

Still, it was a tall Gamble. Under the Circumstances, he didn't seethat there was anything for Ferdinand to do except mop up a few Drinksand hope for the Best. 

When Ferdy looked at himself in the Mirror at Midnight, he didn't knowwhether he was Engaged or merely operating under a Suspended Sentence. 

Next morning he had to bare his Soul to the Head of the Firm. Thisrevered Fluff should have been known as Mr. Yes-But. 

He was strong for the Married State, but it was highly advisable tohave the Girl analyzed by a Chemist and passed upon by a Board ofExperts before a Bid was submitted. 

The Sunflower Paths of Dalliance were leading mostly to Reno, Nevada, and the Article commonly known as Love was merely a disinclination tocontinue eating Breakfast alone. 

He said a Good Woman was a Jewel, but if one of them got a fair Run andJump at a Check-Book she could put the National City Bank on the Hummer. Probably it was all right to go ahead, and take the High Hurdle, butthe Percentage was against the Candidate, and the Cost of Living wasnever so altitudinous. 

Ferdinand retired from the Royal Presence feeling that he had been dulyauthorized to walk a Tight Rope over Niagara Falls. 

As soon as the Bride-Elect had taken enough Headache Powders to prepareher for the Ordeal, she sent for the Suspect to come up to the Houseand outline his Defense. 

They put in a humid Evening. When the falling Tears had made theDrawing-Room too soppy for further use, they moved into the Hallway andhe continued to think up Alibis. 

At 11 P. M. He had explained Everything, repudiated many lifelongFriendships, deodorized his College Career, flouted the Demon Rum, andresigned from all Clubs. 

The Birds were singing up and down the Main Stairway and Grandfather'sClock played nothing but Mendelssohn. 

She lay damply pillowed on his Bosom. He was intensely relieved andyet vaguely conscious of the Fact that she had beat him to it. Therehad been a General Settlement, and he had figured merely as SupremeGoat. 

In his anxiety to get the Kinks out of his own Record he had failed tohold her up for anything except a Pardon. 

Before terminating the Peace Conference, it was suggested that inasmuchas every one else in the World had been notified, probably it would bejust as well to let her Male Parent in on the Secret. Not that Fatheris regarded as a Principal in the up-to-date Household. Still, he isuseful as a Super. 

The old Gentleman was so soft that he nearly tipped his Hand. He gaveFerdinand a regular Cigar and then stalled for about 30 Seconds beforeindicating a Willingness to sign any form of Contract. 

He pulled the Old One to the effect that the House would not seem thesame after Addie had gone away, meaning that Breakfast would be servedin the Morning and the Night Shift abolished. 

When Ferdinand got back to his Room and counted up, he had to admitthat Father was the only Outsider who seemed to be plugging for theAlliance. 

But all petty Suspicions and unworthy Doubts flickered and disappearedwhen Nightfall came and Queenie was once more cuddled within the strongright Fin, naming over some of the Men that he mustn't speak to anymore. 

The course of True Love ran smooth for a couple of Days, and then camea letter from his People, expressing the hope that he had picked out adevout Unitarian. Otherwise the Progeny would start off under aterrible Handicap. 

He knew that Adele favored the Suffrage Thing and that she had read aBook on how to recover from a Dance by lying down and giving aRecitation, but he never had suspected her of any real ReligiousScruples. 

Before he could tell her how the Little Ones had been predestined, shenotified him that her kinsmen had been peering into the Future and thatall the problematical Offspring had been put on the Waiting List at theFirst Baptist Church. 

Here was a grand Opening for Ferdinand. He resolved to make a Standand issue a ringing Ultimatum. He might as well tip it off to her andthe whole Tribe that he was to be Caesar in his own Shack. 

So he went up to her House ready to die in the last ditch rather thanyield to the advocates of Immersion. After viewing the Problem in allits Aspects, he and Honey compromised by deciding that the Bairns wereto be orthodox Baptists. 

Having sponged every Blot from the Escutcheon and laid out the Labelsfor all Generations yet unborn, the incipient Benedick thought therewould be nothing more to it except Holding Hands and watching theCalendar. 

Just then a Dress-Maker swooped down and stole away the Light of hisLife. 

Every time he went up to scratch on the Door and beg for a Kiss, aStrange Lady with Pins in her Mouth would come out and shoo him away, explaining that the Pearl of Womanhood was laid out in the OperatingRoom, being measured for something additional. 

Occasionally he saw her, at one of the many Dinners decreed by Custom. They had to sit Miles apart, with Mountains of unseemly Victualsstacked between them, while some moss-grown Offshoot of the FamilyTree rose and conquered his Asthma long enough to propose a Toast tothe Bride. 

What they really craved was a Dim Corner and a box of Candied Cherries. 

The only Speeches they wished to hear could have been constructed outof the 40 words of standard Baby Talk, comprising what is known as theMush Vocabulary. 

Yet they had to muster the same old property Smile every time thatCharley Bromide or old Mr. Platitude lifted a shell of sparklingVinegar and fervently exclaimed, "Thuh Bride!"

Even after the Menu had been wrecked and the satiated Revelers hadlaboriously pried themselves away from the decorated Board, there wasno escape. 

The Women Folks led Adele away to some remote Apartment to sound a FewWarnings, while the Men sat around in the Blue Smoke and joshedFerdinand to a fare-ye-well. 

Each morning he found in his Mail a few Sealed Orders from Headquartersand about as many Stage Directions as would be required for putting onthe Annual Show at the Hippodrome. 

When he was not begging some one to come and Ush for him, he was eitherchecking over the Glove List with a terrified Best Man or gettingmeasured for a full layout of dark Livery that made him look like arefined Floor-Walker. 

It seemed that Adele had a Step-Mother who had been crouched for Yearswaiting for a chance to bust into the Papers. Nothing would do her buta regular Madison Square Phantasmagoria, with two Rings and an elevatedPlatform. 

She wanted Ribbons down the Aisle and little Girls sprinkling Posies, aConcert Orchestra buried under the Palms, and a few extra Ministers ofthe Gospel just to dress the Pulpit. 

Every superfluous Accessory devised by the Nerve Specialist andapproved by the Court of Bankruptcy was woven into the Nuptial Circuswhen Ferdinand and Adele were made one and Unhookable. 

The Rehearsals somewhat resembled the Moving Pictures of the Durbar atDelhi. 

As a final Preparation for the Stupendous Pageant, the Groom sat up allnight in the Dipsomania Club, watching the Head-Liners of the Blue Bookdemolish Glassware. 

According to the dictates of Fashion, one who is about to assume thesolemn Responsibilities of Matrimony should abstain from Slumber for aweek, devoting the time thus saved to a full consideration of Food andDrink. 

The Ambulance bore his Remains to the Church. A few faithful Hang-Overs lifted him through the Portals, with his Toes dragging somewhatin the Rear. 

They propped him against a Pilaster and told him his Name and beggedhim not to weaken, no matter what the Preacher might put up to him. Soon after he saw a Haggard Creature all fluffed about with Whiteadvancing unsteadily toward him. With the Make-Up, she did not look aDay over 47. 

He did not hear any of the Service, but those who were more fortunatetold him afterward that it was a very Pretty Wedding, and that theyPresents they got were Simply Great. 

MORAL: Too many Trained Nurses discommode Cupid. 

THE DREAM THAT CAME OUT WITH MUCH TO BOOT

Once there was a provincial Tradesman who gave his Yokemate a ChristmasPresent. It was a kind of Dingus formerly exhibited on the What-Not inalmost every polite Home. 

By peering through at the twin Photographs and working it like a SlideTrombone, one could get ravishing glimpses of Trafalgar Square, LakeComo, and the Birthplace of Bobby Burns. 

Nearly every evening the Tradesman would back up to the Student Lampand put in a delirious half-hour with the Views. 

While gazing up the Rue de Rivoli or across the rice paddies at thesnowy cap of Fuji, his Blood would become het by the old boyhood Desireto sail across the Blue to Foreign Parts. 

Those who saw him mowing the Lawn little suspected that he was beinginwardly eaten by the Wanderlust. 

The Tradesman, Edwin by name, and his Managing Director, Selena, formedthe magic-lantern Habit away back in the days of Stoddard. They nevermissed a chance to take in Burton Holmes. Sitting in the darkness, they would hold hands and simply eat those Colored Slides. 

Selena belonged to a Club that was trying to get a side-hold on the Artand Architecture of the Old World. She had a smouldering Ambition toride a Camel in the Orient and then come home and put it all over acertain proud Hen who had spent six weeks in Europe. 

One visit to Niagara Falls and a glorious week of Saengerfest atCincinnati had simply whetted her desire to take Edwin by the hand andbeat it all the way around the Globe, via Singapore. To prepareherself for the Grand Tour, she took 12 lessons in French and read upon the Taj Mahal. 

She had to wait patiently until Edwin was threatened with a NervousBreak-Down. At last the Happy Day arrived when the Specialist told himhe must make his choice between a long Sea Voyage and a slow ride tothe Family Lot. 

Selena used Hydraulic Pressure in packing her Wardrobe Trunks. Shetook all her circus Duds and a slew of Hats so that she could make theproper Front, while being entertained Abroad. 

Edwin had secured a Passport which identified him as a male whitePerson, entitled to all the Courtesies and Privileges usually extendedto an American Citizen holding a Passport. 

They were on the verge of the Jumps when they boarded the Train, butthey hoped to Relax and get a lot of Sleep on the Ocean Greyhound. 

A few days later they were curled up in a Cabin de Luxe about the sizeof a Telephone Booth, waiting for the Ocean Greyhound to recover froman attack of Hydrophobia. 

When they tottered down the Gang-Plank, after six days on the playfulNorth Atlantic, their only Comfort was derived from the knowledge that, as soon as they had rested up, they could write home and quote theSecond Officer as saying it was the roughest Passage he had ever Known. 

After spending a few days in London trying to get warm, they moved onto Paris, which they remembered long afterward on account of Napoleon'sTomb and the price of Strawberries. 

Selena pulled her tall-grass French on a Hackman, but there was nothingdoing. He had taken it from a different Teacher. 

So they employed a Guide who knew all the Shops. If Selena happened toadmire a Trinket or some outre Confection with Lace slathered on it, aperfumed Apache in a Frock Coat would take Edwin into a side room, givehim the sleeve across the Wind-Pipe, and bite a piece out of his Letterof Credit. 

Edwin did a little quick work with the Pencil and said they couldeither hurry on or else hie back to the Home Town and begin Life allover again. 

Three weeks after saying good-bye to Griddle Cakes they were in Naples, which they had seen pictured on so many Calendars. 

Looking back across the Centuries they recalled the Clerks standing inthe Doorways and the friends of the Progressive Euchre Club. It wassweet to remember that the world was not made up entirely of cadgingHead Waiters. 

Once in a while they would venture from the Hotel to run footraces withthe yelping Lazzaroni or try to look at Vesuve without paying seven oreight members of the Camorra for the Privilege. 

After being chased back into the Hotel, they would sit down and addressPost-Cards by the Hour, telling how much they were enjoying the stay inNapoli, home of Song and Laughter. 

Their only chance of catching even on the Imperial Suite at $9 a Daywas to make the Folks back at the Whistling Post think they wereplaying Guitars and dancing the Tarantella, whatever that is. 

Next we see them in Egypt, still addressing Post-Cards, and offeringanything within Reason for a good Cup of Coffee. 

Somehow, sitting in the dusky Tombs didn't seem to help their Nostalgia. Not that they would own up to being Home-Sick. No, indeed! They keptwriting back that they enjoyed every Minute spent among the Cemeteriesand Ruins, or sailing up the Nile, and Edwin was holding upwonderfully, for an Invalid. 

Only, when either of them spoke of the Children, or Corned-Beef Hash, or the Canary, a long Silence would ensue, and then the Nervous Wreckwould cheer her by computing that they would be in God's Country withinfour months, if they escaped Shipwreck, Sunstroke, and Bubonic Plague. 

While parboiling themselves down the Red Sea it began to soak in onthem that, east of Suez, the Yank has about as much standing as the TenCommandments. 

They could have endured sleeping in a Trough and bathing with a dampTowel and eating Food kept over from the year before, if their FellowVoyagers had made a slight fuss over them or evinced some interest inthe wonders of North America. 

The Congressman at home had assured them, on numerous occasions, thatColumbia was the Jim of the Ocean and the most upholstered portion ofthe entire Foot-Stool. 

Consequently, it was somewhat disconcerting to meet British subjectswho never had heard of Quincy, Illinois, and who moved their DeckChairs every time they were given a chance to hear about it. 

Back in the Middle West, Edwin and Selena had been Mountains arisingfrom the Plain. At all points beyond Greenwich, they were simply twounconsidered fragments of Foreign Substance. 

The Passport did not seem to get them anything. While being walkedupon by the haughty Tea-Drinkers they could not claim the protectionof the American Flag, because they didn't see the Starry Banner afterleaving New York, except in front of a Fake Auction Sale, arrangedespecially for Tourists. 

By the time they found themselves in that vast bake-oven known as Indiathey were benumbed and submissive and had settled into a Routine. They would arrive in a New Town, fly to the Hotel, unpack, go out andbuy their colored Post-Cards, come back to the Dump (usually called theGrand Hotel Victoria), address Cards to all the Names on the list, thenpack up, pay the Overcharges, and ride to the Railway Station, accompanied by a small regiment of Bashi-Bazouks who were looking forTheirs. 

The sight of a Temple threw Edwin into a Relapse, but he would havegiven $8, 000 for one look at the galvanized Cornice of the Court House. Selena was still buying Souvenirs, but doing it mechanically, as if ina Trance. 

They had been stung with so many Oriental Phoneys and stuck up so oftenthat they had gone Yellow and lost their Nerve. 

When they saw an outstretched Palm, they came across without a Whimper. 

Cousin Ella, back among the Corn Fields, pictured them as riding acaparisoned Elephant up to the marble Palace of the Gackwar of Baroda, where Edwin would flash his Passport and then the distinguished Guestswould be salaamed to the Peacock Throne. 

Nothing like it. They were led up to highly odorous Bazaars conductedby lineal Descendants of the 40 Thieves. 

Often, while riding in the dusty Cattle Cars and looking out at theparched Plains, they would think of the shaded Front Porch, only 5minutes from Barclay's Drug Store, where they sold the Ice Cream Soda. Moaning feebly, they would return to the italicized Guide Book. 

The Chow consisted largely of Curry and Rice, the medicinal flavor ofwhich was further accentuated by Butter brought in Tins all the wayfrom Sweden. 

Although the Heat was intense, they found occasional Relief in sittingnext the Britons and getting a few Zephyrs direct from the Ice-Box. 

Each day they would purchase a News-paper about the size of a Bed-Spreadand search eagerly for American News. Once in a while theywould learn that Congress had met or another Colored Person had beenburned at the Stake. It cheered them immensely to know that the Landof the Free was still squirming. 

At Rangoon they met a weary Countryman headed in the oppositedirection. He was a hard-faced Customer who was fighting the Climatewith Gin and Bitters, but they fell upon him and wanted to Kiss himwhen they learned that he had once met Selena's Uncle at ColoradoSprings. 

They told him how to save time in getting across India, and he gavethem a list of Places in China and Japan that might be dodged toadvantage. 

Year after year in the months of March and April they continued ontheir tedious Way through the burning Tropics. 

Sometimes they came to a discouraged belief that the World was onebluey expanse, disturbed by Flying Fish. 

Then they would spend weary Ages along the avenues of white Lime-Kilns, looking at Countless millions of hungry Brunettes in flutteringNighties. 

Their principal Occupation, when not setting down Expressions ofDelight on the Post-Cards, was to study Time-Tables and cable aheadfor Reservations. 

The Invalid's one desire was to get home and take a regular Bath beforebeing laid out. 

Hong Kong pleased them exceedingly because they learned, by consultingMr. Mercator's Projection, that they were on the Home Stretch and, withLuck in their favor, might live to see another Piece of Huckleberry Pie. 

Japan they liked best of all. At Yokohama they received a bundle ofDailies only six weeks old, giving full Particulars of a Wedding andtelling who was about to run for Mayor. 

As soon as they were on the Pacific and headed for a refined VaudevilleShow, they began to recover the brave Spirit of Travel and blow aboutwhat they had seen. 

The Towns and Temples and Tombs and Treasures of Art were all jumbledtogether, but, by daily references to Baedeker and Murray, they wereenabled to find out where they had been and what they had seen withtheir own eyes and how it impressed them at the time. 

Before touching at Honolulu they were real enthusiastic about India. They advised the awe-stricken Listener who had not been all the Wayaround to be sure and take in Penang and Johore and, if necessary, theywould give him Letters of Introduction. 

They said it had been a Wonderful Experience. Yes, indeed. Andbroadening. Very. Then Edwin would wander to the front end of theShip and want to climb out on the Bowsprit so as to be in Friscoahead of anybody else. 

He convalesced rapidly as they approached the Golden Gate, for he knewthat in a few days he would unpack for good and gallop down to theoffice and not have to worry about Travelling. 

The only Dark Cloud on the Shore hung above the Custom House. Theylooked at all the Junk wished upon them by the simple Children of theFar East and didn't know whether to declare it for what it cost or forwhat it was really worth. 

Being conscientious Members of the Church, they modified their Perjuryand smuggled only the usual amount of Carvings and hand-embroideredStuff. 

Two hours after landing, Edwin saw a Porter-House Steak and burst intotears. 

They sped eastward by the first Train, still busy with the little RedBooks, for they knew they would have to answer a lot of Questions. "Shall we own up and tell them the Awful Truth?" asked Selena. 

"Not on your Esoteric Buddhism, " replied Edwin. "We never will berewarded for our Sufferings unless we convince the Neighbors that wehad a run for our Money. It was a troubled Nightmare, in Spots, butwhen I lecture in the Church Parlor I am going to burn Joss Sticks andpull every variety of Bunk made famous by Sir Edwin Arnold and LafcadioHearn. "

On the following Tuesday, Selena appeared at the Club with her MandarinCoat and the long Hindoo Ear-Rings. She had them frozen in theirChairs. 

MORAL: Be it ever so Hard to Take, there is no Place like away fromHome. 

THE NEW FABLE OF THE TOILSOME ASCENT AND THE SHINING TABLE-LAND

Once upon a time, out in the Rubber Boot Reservation, the Stork camestaggering up to a Frame Dwelling with a hefty Infant. The arrival wasunder the Zodiacal Sign of Taurus, the Bull. Every Omen was propitious. When the Gallery was admitted, on the third day, the gaping Spectatorsobserved that the Youngun had an open Countenance, somewhat like aChannel Cat, a full head of Hair bushing at the nape of the neck, anda hypnotic Eye; so they knew he was destined for the Service of thePublic. 

Even while he was in the custody of the Old Women of the Township, hebegan reaching for everything he saw and testing his Voice. Heclaimed his Rations frequently and with insistence. 

While he was demonstrating an elastic Capacity, the head Prophetesscalled attention to his aggressive Style and predicted a politicalCareer. 

It was a cinch Horoscope, for the Begetters were a successfulAuctioneer and a Poetess of local repute. 

The Child was christened Sylvester, in anticipation of his FutureGreatness. 

Several years later, when he rebelled against going to the Barber Shopand began to speak Pieces on the slightest provocation, the Parentsrejoiced over these budding symptoms of Statesmanship and bought him aDrum. 

At school he was a Dummy in Mathematics and a Lummox when it came toSpelling Down, but every Friday afternoon he was out in the lead, wearing Bells. 

Before he acquired a Vocabulary or accumulated Data, he got by on hisNerve. In later years he never forgot that Facts are non-essentialif the Vocal Cords are in tune. 

When the Pupils tacked the old standby, "Resolved, that Education isbetter than Riches, " he could tremolo on the Affirmative one week andthen reverberate for the Negative one week later, never doubting hisown Sincerity at any stage of the Game. 

The grinding classmates who had secured the mark of A in Geometry andRhetoric were not in the running on Commencement Day. 

Our Hero got his Diploma on a Fluke, but when he appeared on theRostrum between an Oleander and the Members of the Board, with Goose-Goose on the Aureole, the new Store Suit garnished with a leaf ofGeranium and a yellow Rose-Bud, and the Gates Ajar Collar lashed fastwith his future Trade-Mark: viz. , a White Bow Tie--he had all theBook Worms crushed under his Heel. 

He pulled out the stop marked "Vox Humana" and begged his Hearers tolift the sword of Justice and with it smite the Deluge of OrganizedWealth which was crouched and ready to spring upon the Common People. In pleading the cause of Labor, he spoke as an expert, for once he hadstrung a Clothes-Line for his Mother. 

He got the biggest Hand of any one at the Exercises. After denouncingthe predaceous Interests he relapsed into an attitude of Meditation, with the Chin on the starched Front, very much like a Steel Engravingof Daniel Webster. 

The enthralled Townsmen, seeing him thus, with the Right Hand buried inthe Sack Suit and the raven Mop projecting in the rear, allowed thatthere was nothing to it. He was a Genius and billed through for theLegislature. 

Some Boys have to go to College to get a Shellac Finish, but Sylvesteralready had the Dark Clothes and the Corrugated Brow and a voice likea Tuba, so, to complete his Equipment, he merely had to sit tilted backin a Law Office for a few months and then borrow Money to get a Hatsuch as John A. Logan used to wear. 

All who saw him move from Group to Group along the Hitch Rack onSaturday afternoon, shaking hands with the Rustics and applying theOintment, remarked that Ves was a young man of Rare Promise and couldnot be held back from the Pay-Roll for any considerable length of Time. He was one of the original 787 Boy Orators of the Timothy Hay Sectionof the Imperial Middle West. 

At every hotel Banquet, whether by the Alumni of the Shorthand Collegeor under the auspices of the Piano Movers' Pleasure Club, he was rightup at the Head Table with his Hair rumpled, ready to exchange aMonologue for a few warm Oysters and a cut of withered Chicken. 

On Memorial Day it was Sylvester who choked up while laying hisBenediction on the Cumrads of the G. A. R. . 

On Labor Day he unbuttoned his Vest all the way down, held a tremblingFist clear above the leonine Mat, and demanded a living Wage for everyToiler. 

Consequently he acquired repute as a Staunch Friend of theAgriculturist, the Steam Fitter, the Old Soldier, the Department StoreEmployee, and others accustomed to voting in Shoals. In order tomature himself and be seasoned for onerous Responsibilities, he waiteduntil he was 22 years of age before attempting to gain a frontage atthe Trough. 

It was highly important that he should serve the Suvrin People in someCapacity involving Compensation. It was fairly important to him and itwas vitally important to a certain Woman of gambling Disposition, whooperated a Boarding-House. 

Sylvester was the type of Lawyer intensely admired but seldom employed, save by Criminals entirely bereft of Means. 

In addition to his Board, the young Barrister actually required a pouchof Fine Cut and a clean White Tie every week, so he was impelled bystern Necessity to endeavor to hook up with a Salary. 

Because Sylvester had administered personal Massage to every Voterwithin five Miles of his office, he thought he could leap into theArena and claim an immediate Laurel Wreath by the mere charm and vigorof his Personality. 

He ignored the Whispering Ikes who met in the dim Back Room, withCotton plugged in the Key Hole. 

The Convention met, and when it came time to nominate a Candidate forState's Attorney, all of Sylvester's tried and true Friends among theMasses were at home working in the Garden and spread out in the Hammock. The Traction Engine pulled the Juggernaut over the Popular Idol. 

They lit on him spraddled out. They gave him the Doo-Doo. 

When the Battle had ended, he was a mile from the cheerful Bivouac, lying stark in the Moonlight. 

He was supposed to be eliminated. The only further recognitionaccorded him would be at the Autopsy. 

Next day he was back in his usual Haunts, with an immaculate Bow Tieand a prop Smile, shaking hands with all who had so recently harpoonedhim. As a Come-Back he was certainly the resilient Kid. 

Those who had marveled at his sole-leather Organ of Speech, now had toadmire his sheet metal Sensibilities, nor could they deny that hepossessed all the attributes of a sound and durable Candidate. 

He had learned his Primer lesson in Politics. As soon as he saw thathe could not throw the Combination, he joined it. 

He came into the Corral and lay down in the Dust and allowed them tobrand him as a Regular. 

Sylvester became the White Slave of the Central Committee, knowing thateventually true Patriotism would have to be recognized and recompensed. When he came to bat the second time he had the Permanent Chairman andthe Tellers and all the Rough-Necks plugging for him, consequently itwas a Pipe. 

But it was a case of Reverse English on Election Day, for the venalOpposition rode into power on a Tidal Wave. 

After the Tide had receded, Sylvester was found asleep among the Clamsand Sea-Weed, apparently so far gone that a Pulmotor would be no help. 

Three days later, however, he was on hand, with chaste Neckwear and ajaunty Front, to make a Presentation Speech to the Chief of the FireDepartment. 

Talk about your Rubber Cores! The harder they run him down the higherhe bounced back. 

Those who had been marked by Fate to be his Constits began to see thatSylvester was something invincible and not to be denied. 

What though his Detractors called him a Four-Flush and a False Alarm, alleging that a true analysis of his Mentality would be just about asprofitable as dissecting a Bass Drum?

The more they knocked, the more oleo-margarine became his beamingCountenance, for he knew that Calumny avails naught against a White Tiein the Hot-Bed of cut-and-dried Orthodoxy. 

He played the social String from the W. C. T. U. To the Elks and was ablood-brother of the Tin Horn and the acidulated Elder with the scantSkilligans. 

In order to keep the High-Binders and the Epworth Leaguers both on hisStaff at one and the same time, he had to be some Equilibrist, so henever hoisted a Slug except in his own Office, where he kept it behindthe Supreme Court Reports. 

When he went out the third time for the same Job, the Voters saw it wasno use trying to block him off, so he landed. 

In the full crimson of Triumph, with new Patent Leather Shoes and asmuch as $40 in his Kick at one time, he never forgot for a moment hewas a servant of the Pe-hee-pul and might want to run for somethingelse in the near future. 

He tempered Justice with Mercy and quashed many an Indictment if theDefendant looked like a grateful Geezer who might be useful in his ownPrecinct. 

No one dared to attack him because of the fact that he had delivered aLecture to the eager young souls at the Y. M. C. A. , in which he hadexhibited a Road Map and proved that adherence to the Cardinal Virtuesleads unerringly to Success. 

At the age of thirty-two he broke into the Legislature and began towear a White Vest, of the kind affected by the more exclusive BarTenders. Also a variety of Shroud known as the Prince Albert. He was fearless in discussing any proposed Measure that did not worrythe Farmer Vote in his own District. 

As for Wall Street and the Plunder-bund, when he got after them, he wasa raving Bosco. A regular Woof-Woofer and bite their heads off. 

About the time he came up for re-election, a lot of Character-Assassinstried to shell-road him and hand him the Guff and crowd him into the9-hole. They said he had been flirting with the Corporations and sittingin on Jack-Pots and smearing himself at the Pie Counter. 

Did they secure his Goat by such crude Methods?

Not while the 5-octave Voice and the enveloping Prince Albert and thesnow-white Necktie were in working Trim. 

He went over the whole District in an Auto (one of the fruits of hisFrugality), and everywhere that Sylvester went the American Eagle wassure to go, riding on the Wind-Shield, and a Starry Banner draped overthe Hood. 

He waved aside all Charges made against him. To give them serious Heedwould be an Insult to the high Intelligence of the Hired Hands gatheredwithin Sound of his Voice. He believed in discussing the ParamountIssues. 

So he would discuss them in such a way that the Railway Trains passingby were no interruption whatsoever. 

In course of time his Hair outgrew the Legislature. He was onwhispering terms with a clean majority of all the Partisans in threeconnecting Counties, so he bought one Gross of the White String Kindand a pair of Gum Sneakers and began to run amuck as a Candidate forCongress. 

Even his trusty Henchmen were frightened to know that he had becomeobsessed of such a vaulting Ambition. 

They did not have him sized, that was all. The farther from home hetraveled, the more resounding was the Hit he registered. 

The Days of Spring were lengthening and the Campaign was not fardistant when Sylvester, after looking at the Signs in the Sky andputting his Ear to the Ground, discovered that he was thoroughlyimpregnated with the new Progressive Doctrines. 

The change came overnight, but he was in the Band Wagon ahead of theDriver. 

As nearly as he could formulate his private Platform, he was still trueto his Party but likewise very keen for any Reform Measure that 55 percent. Of the Voters might favor, either at the present time or previousto any future Election. 

After the heated Radicals in every School District had listened toSylvester and learned that all his Views coincided to a T with theirown revised Schedule, they lined up and landslided. 

One November morning Our Hero, no longer a penniless Law Student, butowing, at a conservative Estimate, between $6000 and $8000, sattranquilly in front of the T-Bone Steak, the Eggs, the Batter Cakes, the Cinnamon Rolls, and the Reservoir of Coffee, comprising theBreakfast of one who always remained near to the Rank and File. His Hair was roached in a new way, for the Bulletins at Midnight hadtold him that he was a Congressman. 

Those who had known him in the old Free-Lunch Days, when a Tie lastedhim for a Week, now felt honored to receive his stately Salutation ashe moved slowly from the Post Office up to the Drug Store, to buy hisBronchial Lozenges. 

Many of the Lower Classes, as well as the more Prominent Peoplebelonging to the Silver Cornet Band, were gathered at the Station whenhe started for Washington to fight in the impending Battle between theCorn-Shuckers and the Allies of Standard Oil. 

Men and Women standing right there in the Crowd could remember when hehad borrowed his first Dollar. 

And now he was going to stand beneath the dome of the Capitol to weavea new Fabric of Government and see that it didn't crock or unravel. 

Sylvester and his glossy Trunk arrived at the Mecca, where they werepleasantly received by the Agent of the Transfer Company in fullUniform, and a Senegambian with a Red Cap, who hunted up the Taxi. 

After waiting many weary Years, Sylvester once more had a School Deskof his own. It was in the far corner of a crowded Pit surrounded byelevated Seats. 

The Hon. Sylvester found himself entirely surrounded by victims ofinvoluntary Dumbness. 

By referring to a printed List he ascertained that he was a member ofthe Committee on Manual Training for the Alaskan Indians. 

In his Boarding House he became acquainted with Department Clerks whowere well advanced in the technology of Base Ball. 

After a few weeks, he was on chatting Terms with a Young Lady in chargeof a Cigar and News Counter. 

As soon as the Paper was delivered every morning he could find out whathad happened in Congress the day before. 

If confused by the Cares of State, he sought diversion by taking aVisitor from Home to see the Washington Monument. 

After three months, he met a National Committeeman with a Pull whopromised to secure him an introduction to the Speaker so that he couldmaneuver around and get something into the Record before his time wasup. 

In the meantime, he is heard to advantage on every Roll Call, and theTraducers back in the District have not been able to lay a finger onanything Crooked. 

MORAL: There is always Room and Board at the Top. 

THE NEW FABLE OF THE AERIAL PERFORMER, THE BUZZING BLONDINE, AND THEDAUGHTER OF MR. JACKSON

Once upon a time a Lad with Cinnamon Hair and wide blue Eyes lived ina half-portion Town. 

He had received more than 2000 Tickets for answering "Here" at theM. E. Sunday School. 

His kinfolk hoped that some day he would be President of the Town Board. 

Shortly after he learned to roll a safe game of Pool, the Governordemised. 

Robert, such being the full front name of the sole Heir, found that hecould not spread his Pinions in the narrow Streets of the lichen-covered Hamlet. 

So he blew. He went to find an Avenue that would accommodate sevenZeppelin Air-Ships moving abreast at one time. 

He closed out the Dry Goods Emporium with the Shirt-Waists and theshameless Hosiery in the Windows. 

An Apartment Building, with Packages delivered at the rear, soon beganto flaunt itself on the site of the old Manse. 

With all the currency corralled by the late Store-Keeper padded intohis Norfolk Jacket, the gallus Offspring hurried to the Metrop to pickthe Primroses. 

In a short time he was out at the Track every day, barking at the Goatsas they hove into the Stretch. 

The pencil-borrowing Touts and the Wine Pushers began to call him Bob, which proved that he was a Man about Town. 

When the final Kiflukus was put on the Ponies, he assembled the residueof his Bundle and began to work steady as a Guesser in a Broker'sOffice. 

His job was to show at 10 A. M. With a big Reina Victoria at oneextreme corner of his Face and pretend to know what was coming off whenthe Boy put the funny marks on the Blackboard. 

Ever and anon he would buy 1000 Shares of something, as if Negotiatingfor a Bread-Ticket. 

As a rule, the tall-grass Plunger with a wad of new Kale has about thesame percentage in his favor as that enjoyed by a Shoat out at thewell-known Establishment of Armour & Co. 

The Cleaners go forth to meet him, bearing as Gifts a Dream-Book and anew kind of Cocktail with a Kick like a Coast-Defense Gun. 

A few weeks later they are casting lots for his Union Suit. 

Bob came from Simpville, but he had acquired a couple of Wrinklesassociating with the Wing Shots in the Paddock. 

He could shift to either Foot and he kept his Maxillary covered. 

Sometimes he picked up the wrong Walnut. It would begin to look likea quick change from Caviar to Crackers. 

More than once his Heels were beating a tattoo on the grassy brink ofa Precipice. 

Then he would smell around until he discovered Something Doing. Acouple of lucky shots and he would be on Velvet again and whangingaway like a Demon. 

At last, with a Bull Market and a system of Pyramids, he began to sweepit in with his Fore-Arm. 

Head Waiters paid him the most grovelling Attentions and bright eyesgrew brighter yet when he suggested pulling a little Supper, with a$400 Souvenir at each Plate. 

He was admitted to full membership in the Tango Tribe of the TenderloinNight-Riders. 

This select Coterie was organized for the purpose of closing allCabarets by 6 A. M. . 

An early hour was named because many of them were not made up for thecold Daylight. 

About the time he began to discover Vintages he discovered Elphye also. She was an Actress who was too busy to perform on the Stage. 

Elphye had a good Social Position back at her Home lot but, for somereason, she never sent for it. 

Her Parents had arranged for her to be a Brunette, but when Bob mether, between the Guinea Hen and the Cafe Parfait, she was a LemonMeringue. 

Elphye wore Clothes that made a noise like a Piccolo. 

She was there with the jeweled Heels and the hand-painted Ankles. 

In trying to make her Gowns anywhere from six to nine months ahead ofParis, she sprung several Effects that caused the Chandeliers totremble and the Ice to melt in the Buckets. 

She had abolished her Shape entirely and abandoned the Perpendicular, preferring a Droop which indicated that possibly she had beenfashioned over a Barrel. 

She tried to model herself on the lines of a string Bean, slightlywarped by the Sun. 

The Ascending Star of the Financial World was stunned by the Apparition. No one had tipped it off to him that the Queen of Sheba was to bereincarnated. 

He found Elphye ever and ever so accomplished. 

She knew all the Songs that now blister the Varnish off the Pianos inso many well-ordered Homes. 

She was enough of a Contortionist to get away with several Dances namedfor the innocent Poultry. 

Being a close student of the Bill-Boards she was in touch with CurrentHappenings. 

Her Eye-Work was perfect, but she found it hard pumping to Blush at theright time. 

When she tackled Polite Conversation she put a few Tooth-Marks in it. 

Still she made a very creditable Stab for a Girl brought up in Michiganand never east of Sheepshead Bay. 

She looked very creamy to Bob, if the Music was loud enough. 

He liked to tow something that would cause the Oyster Forks to pause inmidair and the Catty Ones to reach for their hardware. 

When Elphye did a little Barnum and Bailey down the main Chute of aTerrapin Bazaar, rest assured that every Eye in the Resort was aimed ather gleaming Vertebrae. 

Bob showed her his monthly Statements and she confessed to being veryfond of him. So it was planned that they would Marry some afternoon, if she could get away from the Masseuse early enough. 

The Troth was pledged in a few high-priced Trinkets which she haddecided upon before he spoke to her. 

Just when it seemed a mortal Pipe that the Bull Tactics would enablehim to cop a Million, so that he could live at a Hotel and finance theLittle Queen, the Unseen Superintendent in the Tower began to throw theSwitches of Destiny. 

If Bob had not speeded so far into the Country in the Smell-Wagon, there would have been no Flat Tire. 

If there had been no Flat Tire, he would have been back in time for theusual round-up of the Irrigation Committee and never would have been aGreat Financier. 

Marooned among the Hay-Fields, he stopped at a Farm House and took along chance on some Well-Water, dipped in a Gourd from the Moss-CoveredBucket. 

Scotch Whiskey is never contaminated by Surface Drains, but eachsparkling Drop of the Fluid that Bob quaffed, there beneath theWillows, contained more than 2, 000, 000 of the Germs made notorious byDr. Woods Hutchinson. 

A few days later a swarm of Bees settled in each ear. Every Sky-Scraper gave an imitation of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. 

He knew he was out of Kelter, but he had to watch the Board, for he hadput every Bean in the World on an acrobatic Industrial known as TinBucket Preferred. 

Already the Paper Profits were enormous. Bob figured confidently onanother Whoop of 50 points and a double string of Pearls for Elphye. But when the poor Loon had a Temperature of 5 above Par and had tocling to the Brass Rail to keep from taking the Count, he lost hisNerve entirely. 

He couldn't see anything on the Horizon except Tariff Revision, HardTimes, Weeping Women, Starving Kiddies, Closed Factories, SoupKitchens, and Bread Lines. 

While in this dotty State and quite irresponsible, he directed theManager to close out the whole Smear and sell short. 

Furthermore, he was so daffy and curdled in the Filbert that he soldthree times as much as he had. 

Then he did a couple of Spins and a Flop, and the White Ambulance borehim away to the big Hospital. 

If Mr. Hornung Jackson of Round Grove, Maryland, had not entered uponhis Second Childhood at the age of 55, his Family would have remainedon Easy Street. 

Mr. Jackson thought he could sit in his Front Room and read theburglarious Meditations of the High-Binders in Wall Street. 

Consequently, when the Tin Box was searched, the Day after the Masonshad marched out to the Cemetery, it contained a little of everythingexcept Assets. 

Annie was the name of the Daughter. 

On the Clean-up she received enough to put her through the School. 

When Bob arrived at the Hospital, in a State of Conflagration, Anniewas waiting in the starched Uniform to tackle her first real Case. 

For days and nights he rambled through the ghostly labyrinths ofDelirium, Annie holding him by the Hand and lifting the cool Draughtsto his parched Lips. 

He mumbled and raved about the decisions of the Umpire in the gamebetween the Academy and the Knitting Works. 

He gave Annie his entire performance of Ralph Rackstraw in "Pinafore"for the benefit of the Library Fund, including Cues. 

He scolded his Aunt Mary for doing her own Housework and told theColored Men how to lay the Cement Walk down through the Grape Arbor. He promised his Father not to play Poker any more and vowed to hisMother that she was a better Chef than the one up at Del's. But his sub-conscious Self was so considerate of Elphye that he neverbrought in her Name at all, at all. 

Sometimes he would get back to the Ticker, but he was ready to leave itany time to go fishing in the Crick with the Lads from the other sideof the Tracks. 

Through the final Crisis he played tag with the Grim Reaper and justescaped being It. 

The Sun was slanting into the little white Room when he crawled feeblyback to Earth and tried to get his Bearings. 

Annie was looking right at him, relieved and smiling and happy. Shehad won her first game in the Big League. 

He noticed that she was not slashed up the side or down the back, hadno metallic Insteps, carried her own Hair, and was in no way concealedbehind the usual pallid Veneering. 

He remembered dimly that she had been with him on the Underground. 

Then he recalled a previous Existence in which the Dripped Absinthe wasa Breakfast and the Cigarette a Luncheon and Elphye was trotting in herGlads and he had a Swell Bet down on Tin Bucket Preferred. The wholeLay-Out seemed unreal and remote and entirely disconnected with FriendNurse. 

He inquired the Day of the Week, and when he learned it was Next Monthhe started to get right up and put on his Things. 

Annie quietly spread him back on the Pillow and laid down the Lawregarding Rest and Quiet. 

Then he begged her to ring up McCusick & Co. And get the latest BucketPreferred. 

He said he had plastered his last Samoelon and, not being there towatch the Board and concentrate his wonderful Trading Instinct on everyjiggle of the Dial, there was no telling what the Bone-Heads had doneto him. 

You see, he had no recollection whatever of going Short, for he hadbeen in a Walking Delirium at the time and crazy as a Cubist. 

Annie said it was wrong to Gamble and he was not to read the Papers orfuss with Visitors until Doc gave the word. 

Suddenly he remembered that he was engaged to Elphye and he wondered ifshe had forgotten. 

So many things can happen in a Great City within two weeks. 

He told Nurse about Elphye. Annie did not seem madly interested, butshe wrote a Note to the Sazerack Apartment Building and notified theSeraphine that her prospective Producer was still extant and would bewilling to renew acquaintance if she could spare an hour or two fromher Dancing. 

Elphye came out two days later made up as a Princess in the ChristmasPantomime and diffusing pleasant Odors in all directions. 

She sat down alongside of Annie and immediately she was shown up andwent back to the Minors. 

Her Second-Reader Conversation, complicated with the phoney Bostonsound of "A" as in "Squash, " did not improve her General Average. Bob suddenly realized that in getting rid of the Bronxes and theNicotine and various other Toxins, he also had lost his appetite forElphye. 

But he was Game and willing to go through on his own Proposition. He sent Nurse for a glass of Water and then begged his Fiancee tosmuggle in a Newspaper so he could find out the name of his getting-offStation. 

Next day she brought the Market Page in her wonderful jewel-crusted Bag. Bob took one Look and crawled under the Covers. 

The Market had gone Blooey. 

Bucket Preferred was down in the Subway, bleeding from a dozen Wounds. The Whole List was on the Blinkety Fritz. 

"Courage, Dearie, " said Bob, taking Elphye by the Rings. "Your littlePlaymate is erased from the map. "

Elphye upset two Rolling Chairs and one Interne getting from theConvalescent Department to the open Air. 

Annie found the poor Bankrupt much improved as to Pulse and Temperature. He told her the whole Story of how his Lady Fair had canned him becausehe was no longer a Live One. 

She held his hand and pushed back his Locks and told him that any Girlwith a Heart would stick closer than ever to her Selection when he wasunder the Rollers. 

Just then a Messenger from McCusick came in and showed Bob that bygoing Short and standing pat he was $1, 800, 000 to the Desirable. After that, Bob was known up and down the Street as The Wizard. 

Annabelle, remembering how they had got to her Father, made him cut outthe Margins and put the whole Chunk into listed Securities and RealEstate. 

He wanted to stick around and parlee up to a Billion, but she raised amost emphatic Nixey. 

He was so used to taking orders from her as a Trained Nurse that he cutout speculating and played Safe. 

The whole game was punk for months after, so every one said he had beena Wise Mug for backing away. 

The Missus allows him a light one (mostly Vermouth) before Dinner eachevening and has taught him a private Signal which means that she isready to duck and go Home. 

At present they are in Paris, where she is working to get the samehilarious _Tout Ensemble_ formerly exhibited by Elphye, the Ex-Empressof the White Light Reservation. 

The latter went to see a Lawyer when she learned that she had beentricked out of her Happiness. 

Unfortunately for her, she had nothing on Robert, thanks to his nativeshrewdness and Mr. Bell, who invented the Telephone. 

She is now playing Utility Parts in a Stock Company in Pennsylvania. The Jewels pelted at her by Bob are much admired by the Gallery. 

MORAL: The City holds no Peril for those who cherish Lucky Ideals. 

THE NEW FABLE OF SUSAN AND THE DAUGHTER AND THE GRAND-DAUGHTER, ANDTHEN SOMETHING REALLY GRAND

Once there was a full-blown Wild Peach, registered in the Family Bibleas Susan Mahaly. 

Her Pap divided his time between collecting at a Toll-Gate anddefending the Military Reputation of Andy Jackson. 

The family dwelt in what was then regarded by Cambridge, Mass. , as theTwilight Zone of Semi-Culture, viz. , Swigget County, Pennsylvania. Susan wore Linsey-Woolsey from Monday to Saturday. She never hadtampered with her Venus de Milo Topography and she did not even suspectthat Women had Nerves. 

When she was seventeen she had a Fore-Arm like a Member of theTurnverein. 

She knew how to Card and Weave and Dye. Also she could make Loose Soapin a kettle out in the Open Air. 

Susan never fell down on her Salt-Rising Bread. Her Apple Butter wasalways A1. 

It was commonly agreed that she would make some Man a good Housekeeper, for she was never sickly and could stay on her Feet sixteen hours at aStretch. 

Already she was beginning to look down the Pike for a regular Fellow. In the year 1840, the Lass of seventeen who failed to get her Hooks onsome roaming specimen of the Opposite Gender was in danger of beingwhispered about as an Old Maid. Celibacy was listed with Arson andManslaughter. 

Rufus was destined to be an Early Victorian Rummy, but he could lift aSaw-Log, and he would stand without being hitched, so Susan nailed himthe third time he came snooping around the Toll-Gate. 

Rufus did not have a Window to hoist or a Fence to lean on. But thereis no Poverty in any Pocket of the Universe until Wealth arrives andbegins to get Luggy. 

Susan thought she was playing in rare Luck to snare a Six-Footer whoowned a good Squirrel Rifle and could out-wrastle all Comers. 

The Hills of Pennsylvania were becoming congested, with Neighbors notmore than two or three miles apart, so Rufus and his Bride decided tohit a New Trail into the Dark Timber and grow up with the BoundlessWest. 

Relatives of the Young Couple staked them to a team of Pelters, a MuleyCow, a Bird Dog of dubious Ancestry, an Axe and a Skillet, and startedthem over the Divide toward the perilous Frontier, away out yender inIllinoy. 

It was a Hard Life. As they trundled slowly over the rotten Roads, toward the Land of Promise, they had to subsist largely on Venison, Prairie Chicken, Quail, Black Bass, Berries, and Wild Honey. Theycarried their own Coffee. 

Arrived at the Jumping-Off Place, they settled down among the Mink andMusk-Rats. Rufus hewed out and jammed together a little two by twiceCabin with the Flue running up the outside. It looked ornery enoughto be the Birthplace of almost any successful American. 

The Malaria Mosquito was waiting for the Pioneers. In those good oldChills-and-Fever days, no one ever blamed it on the Female of theSpecies. Those who had the Shakes allowed that they were being jarredby the Hand of Providence. 

When the family ran low on Quinine, all he had to do was hook up anddrive fifty miles to the nearest Town, where he would trade the Fursfor Necessities such as Apple-Jack and Navy Twist, and possibly a fewLuxuries such as Tea and Salt. 

On one of these memorable Trips to the Store, a Mood which combinedSentiment with reckless Prodigality seized upon him. 

He thought of the brave Woman who was back there in the lonesome Shack, shooing the Prairie Wolves away from the Cradle, and he resolved toreward her. 

With only three Gills of Stone Fence under his Wammus, he spread hisWild-Cat Currency on the Counter and purchased a $6 Clock, with jig-sawornaments, a shiny coat of Varnish, and a Bouquet of Pink Roses on thedoor. 

Susan burst into Tears when she saw it on the Wall, alongside of theTurkey Wing, and vowed that she had married the Best Man in the World. 

Twenty years later, Jennie, the first begotten Chick at the Log Housein the Clearing, had matured and married, and was living at the County-Seat with Hiram, Money-Changer and Merchant. 

Railroad Trains, Side-Bar Buggies, Coal-Oil Lamps, and the Civil Warhad come along with a Rush and disarranged primitive Conditions. TheFrontier had retreated away over into Kansas. 

In the very Township where, of late, the Beaver had toiled withoutHindrance and the Red Fox dug his hole unscared, people were now eatingCove Oysters, and going to see "East Lynne. "

Hiram was in rugged Health, having defended the flag by Proxy duringthe recent outcropping of Acrimony between the devotees of Cold Breadand the slaves of Hot Biscuit. The Substitute had been perforatedbeyond repair at the Battle of Kennesaw Mountain, proving that Hirammade no mistake in remaining behind to tend Store. 

When Jennie moved in where she could hear the Trains whistle and beganto sport a Cameo Brooch, she could barely remember wearing a Slip andhaving Stone Bruises. 

Hiram was Near, but he would Loosen up a trifle for his own Fireside. The fact that Jennie was his wife gave her quite a Standing with him. He admired her for having made such a Success of her Life. 

They dwelt in a two-story Frame with countless Dewdads and Thingumbobstacked along the Eaves and Scalloped around the Bay Windows. 

The Country People who came in to see the Eighth Wonder of the Worldused to stand in silent Awe, breathing through their Noses. 

Out on the lawn, surrounded by Geraniums, was a Cast-Iron Deer whichseemed to be looking at the Court House in a startled Manner. It wasthat kind of a Court House. 

In her Front Room, the daughter of Rufus and Susan had Wonderful WaxFlowers, sprinkled with Diamond Dust; a What-Not bearing MineralSpecimens, Conch-Shells, and a Star-Fish, also some Hair-ClothFurniture, very slippery and upholstered with Sand. 

After Hiram gave her the Black Silk and paid for the CrayonEnlargements of her Parents, Jennie did not have the Face to bone himfor anything more, but she longed in secret and Hiram suspected. Jennie was a soprano. Not a regular Soprano, but a Country-TownSoprano, of the kind often used for augmenting the Grief in a Funeral. Her voice came from a point about two inches above the Right Eye. She had assisted a Quartette to do things to "Juanita, " and sometimestossed out little Hints about wishing she could practice at Home. Jennie was a Nice Woman but she _did_ need Practice. 

Although Hiram was tighter than the Bark on a Sycamore, he liked tohave other Women envy the Mother of His Children. 

When he spread himself from a Shin-Plaster, he expected a Fanfare ofTrumpets. 

It took him a long time to unwind the String from the Wallet, but hewould Dig if he thought he was boosting his own Game. 

By stealthy short-weighting of the Country Trade and holding out on theAssessor, he succeeded in salting away numerous Kopecks in one cornerof the Safe. 

While in Chicago to buy his Winter Stock, he bargained for two days andfinally bought a Cottage Melodeon, with the Stool thrown in. 

Jennie would sit up and pump for Hours at a time, happy in theknowledge that she had drawn the Capital Prize in the Lottery of Hymen. 

In the year 1886 there was some Church Wedding at the County Seat. Frances, daughter of Hiram and Jennie, had knocked the Town a Twisterwhen she came home from the Female College wearing Bangs and toting aTennis Racquet. 

All the local Gallants, with Cocoa-Oil in their hair and Rings on theirCravats, backed into the Shrubbery. 

Hiram had bought her about $1800 worth of Hauteur at the selectInstitution of Learning. All she had to do was look at a Villagerthrough her Nose-Specs and he would curl up like an Autumn Leaf. 

A Cuss from Chicago came to see her every two weeks. 

His Trousers seemed to be choking him. The Pompadour was protected bya Derby of the Fried-Egg species. It was the kind that Joe Weberhelped to keep in Public Remembrance. But in 1886 it was de Rigeur, au Fait, and a la mode. 

Frances would load the hateful City Chap into the high Cart and exhibithim up and down all the Residence Thoroughfares. 

On nearly every Front Porch some Girl whose Father was not interestedin the First National Bank would peer out through the Morning Gloriesat the Show-off and then writhe like an Angle-Worm. 

The Wedding was the biggest thing that had struck the town sinceForepaugh stopped over on his way from Peoria to Decatur. 

Frances was not a popular Girl, on account of being so Uppish, so thosewho could not fight their way into the Church climbed up and lookedthrough the Windows. 

The Groom wore a Swallow-Tail. 

Most of those present had seen Pictures of the Dress Suit. In the_Fireside Companion, _ the Gentleman wearing one always had Curls, andthe Wood-Engraving caught him in the act of striking a Lady in the Faceand saying "Curse you!"

The Feeling at the County-Seat was that Frances had taken a DesperateChance. 

The caterer with Colored Help in White Gloves, the ruby Punch suspectedof containing Liquor, the Japanese Lanterns attached to the Maples, thereal Lace in the Veil, the glittering Array of Pickle-Jars, and a well-defined Rumor that most of the imported Ushers had been Stewed, gavethe agitated Hamlet something to blat about for many and many a day. 

The Bachelor of Arts grabbed off by the daughter of Jennie and theGrand-daughter of Susan was the owner of Real Estate in the congestedBusiness District of a Town which came into Public Attention later onthrough the efforts of Frank Chance. 

His front name was Willoughby, but Frances always called him "Dear, " nomatter what she happened to be thinking of at the time. 

Part of State Street had been wished on to Willoughby. He was afraidto sell, not knowing how to reinvest. 

So he sat back and played safe. With growing Delight he watched theUnearned Increment piling up on every Corner. He began to see that hewould be fairly busy all his life, jacking up Rents. 

The Red-Brick Fortress to which he conducted Frances had Stone Steps infront and a secret Entrance for lowly Tradespeople at the rear. 

Willoughby and his wife had the high courage of Youth and the FinancialSupport of all the Money Spenders along State Street, so they startedin on Period Decoration. Each Room in the House was supposed to standfor a Period. Some of them stood for a great deal. 

A few of the Periods looked like Exclamation Points. 

The young couple disregarded the Toll-Gate Period and the Log-CabinPeriod, but they worked in every one of the Louies until the GiltFurniture gave out. 

The delighted Caller at the House beside the Lake would pass from anEast Indian Corridor through an Early Colonial American Room into aJapanese Boudoir and, after resting his Hat, would be escorted intothe Italian Renaissance Drawing-Room to meet the Hostess. From thisexquisite Apartment, which ate up one year's Rent of a popular Buffetnear Van Buren Street, there could be obtained a ravishing glimpse ofthe Turkish Cozy Corner beyond, including the Battle-Axes and the RedLamp. 

Frances soon began to hob-nob with the most delicatessen Circles, including Families that dated back to the Fire of 1871. 

She was not at all Dizzy, even when she looked down from the MountainPeak at her happy Birthplace, 15, 000 feet below. 

Willoughby turned out to be a satisfactory Housemate. His Voltage wasnot high, but he always ate Peas with a Fork and never pulled at theLeash when taken to a Musicale. 

In front of each Ear he carried a neat Area of Human Ivy, so that hecould speak up at a Meeting of Directors. Until the year 1895, therestricted Side-Whisker was an accepted Trade-Mark of Commercial Probity. This facial Landscaping, the Frock Coat, and a steadfast devotion toToilet Soap made him suitable for Exhibition Purposes. 

Frances became almost fond of him, after the Honeymoon evaporated andtheir Romance ripened into Acquaintanceship. 

It was a gladsome day for both when she traced the Dope back throughSwigget County, Pennsylvania, and discovered that she was an honest-to-goodness Daughter of the American Revolution. 

Willoughby could not ask a representative of good old Colonial Stock toride around in a stingy Coupe with a Coon planted out on the Weather-Seat. 

He changed the Terms in several Leases and was enabled to slip her ahot Surprise on the Birthday. 

When she came down the Steps for the usual bowl along the Avenue, so asto get some Fresh Smoke, she beheld a rubber-tired Victoria, drawn bytwo expensive Bang-Tails in jingly Harness and surmounted by importantTurks in overwhelming Livery. 

She was so trancified with Delight that she went right over toWilloughby and gave him a Sweet Kiss, after looking about rathercarefully for the exposed portion of the Frontispiece. 

Frances did a lot of Calling within the next two weeks, and to allthose who remarked upon the Smartness of the Equipage, she declaredthat the Man she had to put up with carried a Throbbing Heart even ifhe was an Intellectual Midget. 

In the year 1913, a slender Young Thing, all of whose Habilimentsseemed melting and dripping downward, came wearily from Stateroom B asthe Train pulled into Reno, Nevada. 

She seemed quite alone, except for a couple of Maids. 

After she had given Directions concerning the nine Wardrobe Trunks andthe Live Stock, she was motored to a specially reserved Cottage at thecorner of Liberty Street and Hope Avenue. 

Next day she sat at the other side of a Table from a Lawyer, removingthe poisoned Javelins from her fragile Person and holding them upbefore the shuddering Shyster. 

She had a Tale of Woe calculated to pulp a Heart of Stone. In blockingout the Affidavit, her sympathetic Attorney made Pencil Notes asfollows:

Her name was Ethel Louise, favorite Daughter of Willoughby and Frances, the well-known Blue-Bloods of the Western Metropolis. 

She had finished off at Miss Sniffle's exclusive School, whichoverlooks the Hudson and the Common School Branches. 

After she learned to enter a Ball-Room and while on her way to attackEurope for the third time, the Viper crossed her Pathway. 

She accepted him because his name was Hubert, he looked like anEnglishman, and one of his Ancestors turned the water into ChesapeakeBay. 

While some of the Wedding Guests were still in the Hospital, he beganto practice the most diabolical Cruelties. 

He induced her to get on his Yacht and go cruising through theMediterranean when she wanted to take an Apartment in Paris. 

At Monte Carlo he scolded her for borrowing 3000 Francs from a RussianGrand Duke after she went broke at bucking the Wheel. She had met theDuke at a Luncheon the day before and his Manners were perfect. 

The Lawyer said that Herbert was a Pup, beyond all Cavil. 

Cairo, Egypt, yielded up another Dark Chapter of History. 

It came out in the sobbing Recital that Hubert had presented her with a$900 prize-winning Pomeranian, directly related to the famous Fifi, owned by the Countess Skidoogan of Bilcarty. 

Later on, he seemed to feel that the Pomeranian had come between himand Ethel. The Situation became more and more tense, and finally, oneday in Egypt, within plain sight of the majestic Pyramids, he kickedPrecious ever so hard and raised quite a Swelling. 

The Legal Adviser said Death was too good for such a Fiend. 

In Vienna, though, that was where he went so far that Separation becameinevitable. 

Ethel had decided to take an $80, 000 Pearl Necklace she had seen in aWindow. It was easily worth that much, and she felt sure she could getit in without paying Duty. She had been very successful at bringingthings Home. 

She could hardly believe her Ears when Hubert told her to forget it andback up and come out of the Spirit World and alight on the Planet Earth. He had been Heartless on previous Occasions, but this was the firsttime he had been Mean enough to renig on a mere side-issue such ascoming across with the Loose Change. 

Ethel was simply de-termined to have that Necklace, but the unfeelingWhelp tried to kid her out of the Notion. 

Then he started in to Pike. He suggested a $20, 000 Tarara of Rubiesand Diamonds as a Compromise. Ethel became wise to the fact that shehad joined out with a Wad. 

While she was pulling a daily Sick Headache in the hope of bringing himto Taw, the Maharajah of Umslopagus came along and bought the Necklace. That was when Ethel had to be taken to a Rest Cure in the AustrianTyrol, and she had never been the Same Woman since. 

To all who had come pleading for Reconciliation, Ethel had simply hungout the Card, "Nothing Doing. "

After a Brute has jumped up and down on the Aching Heart of a Girl ofproud Lineage he can't square himself in 1, 000, 000 years. 

So said Ethel, between the flowing Tears. 

Furthermore, there had been hopeless Incompatibility. In all the timethey were together, they never had been able to agree on a TurkishCigarette. 

The professional Home-Blaster said she had enough on Herbert to get herfour Divorces. The Decree would be a Pipe. 

Ethel said she hoped so and to please push it along, as she had quite aWaiting-List. 

MORAL: Rufus had no business buying the Clock. 

THE NEW FABLE OF THE SCOFFER WHO FELL HARD AND THE WOMAN SITTING BY

One day in the pink dawn of the present Century, a man with his Hairneatly set back around the Ears and the usual Blood Pressure waswhizzing through a suburban Lonesomeness on a teetering Trolley. Thename of the man was Mr. Pallzey. He had a desk with a Concern that didmerchandizing in a large way. 

Mr. Pallzey feared Socialism and carried his Wife's Picture in hisWatch and wore Plasters. In other words, he was Normal, believingnearly everything that appeared in the Papers. 

While the Dog-Fennel was softly brushing the Foot-Board and the Motorwas purring consistently beneath, Mr. Pallzey looked over into a close-cropped Pasture and became the alert Eye-Witness of some very weirdDoings. 

He saw a pop-eyed Person in soiled Neglige, who made threateningmovements toward something concealed in the White Clover, with a Weaponresembling the iron Dingus used in gouging the Clinkers from a Furnace. 

"What is the plot of the Piece?" he inquired of a Grand Army man, sitting next. 

"I think, " replied the Veteran, "I think he is killing a Garter Snake. "

"Oh, no, " spoke up the conversational Conductor, "He is playingGolluf, " giving the word the Terre Haute pronunciation. 

Mr. Pallzey looked with pity on the poor Nut who was out in the HotSun, getting himself all lathered up with One-Man Shinny. 

He said to G. A. R. That it took all kinds of People to make a World. The grizzled Warrior rose to an equal Altitude by remarking that ifthe dag-goned Loon had to do it for a Living, he'd think it was Work. Mr. Pallzey had heard of the new Diversion for the Idle Rich, just aspeople out in the Country hear of Milk-Sickness or falling Meteors, both well authenticated but never encountered. 

While rummaging through the Sporting Page, he would come across acryptic Reference to MacFearson of Drumtochtie being 3 up and 2 to playon Hargis of Sunset Ho, whereupon he would experience a sense ofannoyance and do a quick Hurdle. 

He had seen in various Shop-Windows the spindly Utensils and snowyPellets which, he had reason to believe, were affiliated in some waywith the sickening Fad. He would look at them with extreme Contemptand rather resent their contaminating contiguity to the Mask, the Shin-Guard, and the upholstered Grabber. 

Mr. Pallzey believed that Golf was played by the kind of White Rabbitswho March in Suffrage Parades, wearing Gloves. 

The dreaded Thing lay outside of his Orbit and beyond his Ken, the sameas Tatting or Biology. His conception of a keen and sporty game wasPin Pool or Jacks Only with the Deuce running wild. 

One Saturday he was invited out to a Food Saturnalia at a CountryPlace. The Dinner was postponed until late in the Day because they alldreaded it so much. 

Friend Host said he had a twosome on at the Club and was trying out animported Cleek, so he invited Mr. Pallzey to be a Spectator. 

If he had said that he was going up in a Balloon to hemstitch a coupleof Clouds, it would have sounded just as plausible to Mr. Pallzey of theWholesale District. 

The latter went along, just out of Politeness, but he was a good dealdisappointed in his Friend. It certainly did seem trifling for aHuskie weighing one hundred and eighty to pick on something about thesize of a Robin's Egg. 

Mr. Pallzey played Gallery all around the Course. He would standbehind them at the Tee and smile in a most calm and superior Mannerwhile they sand-shuffled and shifted and jiggled and joggled and wentthrough the whole calisthenic Ritual of St. Vitus. 

He was surprised to note how far the Ball would speed when properlyspanked, but he thought there was no valid excuse for overrunning onthe Approaches. 

Mr. Pallzey found himself criticizing the Form of the Players. Thatshould have been his Cue to climb the Fence. 

All of the Mashiemaniacs start on the downward Path by making Mind-Playsand getting under Bogey. 

Back on the sloping Sward between No. 18 and the Life-Saving Station, the two Contestants were holding the usual Post-Mortem. 

"Let me see that Dewflicker a minute, " said Mr. Pallzey, as hecarelessly extracted a Mid-iron. 

He sauntered up to the silly Globule and took an unpremeditated Swipe. The Stroke rang sweet and vibrant. The ball rose in parabolic Splendorabove the highest branches of a venerable Elm. 

Just as the Face of the Club started on the Follow Through, theBacillus ran up and bit Mr. Pallzey on the Leg. 

He saw the blinking White Spot far out on the emerald Plain. He heardthe murmur of Admiration behind him. He was sorry his Wife had notbeen there to take it in. 

"Leave me have another Ball, " requested Mr. Pallzey. 

The Virus was working. 

He backed up so as to get a Running Start. 

"This time, " quoth Mr. Pallzey, "I will push it to Milwaukee. "

Missing the Object of Attack by a scant six inches, he did a Genee toe-spin and fell heavily with his Face among the Dandelions. 

The Host brushed him off and said: "Your Stance was wrong; your Teewas too high; you raised the Left Shoulder; you were too rapid on theCome-Back; the Grip was all in the Left Hand; you looked up; you movedyour Head at the top of the Stroke; you allowed the Left Knee to turn, and you stood ahead of the Ball. Otherwise, it was a Loo-Loo. "

"If I come out next Sunday could you borrow me a Kit of Tools?" askedMr. Pallzey. He was twitching violently and looking at the Ball as ifit had called him a Name. "I got that first one all right, and I think----"

So it was arranged that the poor doomed Creature was to appear on thefollowing Sabbath and be equipped with a set of Cast-Offs and learn allabout the Mystery of the Ages between 11 A. M. And 2 P. M. . 

Mr. Pallzey went away not knowing that he was a Marked Man. 

On Monday he told the Stenographer how he stung the Ball the first timeup. He said he was naturally quick at picking up any kind of Game. Hethought it would be a Lark to get the hang of the Whole Business andthen get after some of those Berties in the White Pants. He figuredthat Golf would be soft for any one who had played Baseball when young. Truly all the raving is not done within the Padded Cells. 

He came home in the Sabbath Twilight, walking on his Ankles andbabbling about a Dandy Drive for the Long Hole. 

Regarding the other 378 Strokes he was discreetly silent. 

He told his Wife there was more in it than one would suppose. TheEasier the Swat, the greater the Carry. And he had made one Hole inseven. 

Then he took a Parasol out of the Jar, and illustrated the famous LongDrive with Moving Pictures, Tableaux, Delsarte, and some newly acquiredtechnical Drivel, which he mouthed with childish Delight. 

Now we see him buying Clubs, although he refers to them as Sticks--proving that he is still a groping Neophyte. 

He thinks that a shorter Shaft and more of a Lay-Back will enable himto drive a Mile. The Gooseneck Putter will save him two on every Hole. Also, will the Man please show him an Iron guaranteed to reach all theway down to the Dimple and plunk it right in the Eye. 

Then all of the new Implements laid out at Home and Wife sitting back, listening to a Lecture as to what will be pulled off on the succeedingDay of Rest. 

She had promised at the Altar to Love, Honor, and Listen. Still, itwas trying to see the once-loved Adult cavorting on the verge ofDementia and know that she was helpless. 

He sallied forth with those going to Early Mass, and returned at theVesper Hour caked with Dust and 98 per cent. Gone in the Turret. 

It seems that at the sixth hole on the Last Round where you cross theCrick twice, he fell down and broke both Arms and both Legs. So hetore up the Medal Score, gave all the Clubs to the Caddy, and standingon the grassy Summit of the tall Ridge guarding the Bunker, he hadlifted a grimy Paw and uttered the Vow of Renunciation. 

In other words, he was Through. 

The senile Wrecks and the prattling Juveniles, for whom the Game wasinvented, could have his Part of it for all time. 

Never again would he walk on the Grass or cock his Arms or dribble Sandall over the dark and trampled Ground where countless Good Men hadsuffered. 

No, Indeed!

So next day he bought all the Paraphernalia known to the Trade, and hisname was put up at a Club. 

It was one of those regular and sure-enough Clubs. High East Windsprevailed in the Locker-Room. Every member was a Chick Evans when hegot back to the nineteenth hole. 

Mr. Pallzey now began to regard the Ancient and Honorable Pastime as acompendium of Sacraments, Ordeals, Incantations, and CeremonialFormalities. 

He resigned himself into the Custody of a professional Laddie withlarge staring Knuckles and a Dialect that dimmed all the memories ofLauder. 

In a short time the Form was classy, but the Score had to be taken outand buried after every Round. 

Mr. Pallzey saw that this Mundane Existence was not all Pleasure. Hehad found his Life-Work. The Lode-Star of his declining Years would bean even one hundred for the eighteen Flags. 

Wife would see him out in the Street, feeling his way along, totallyunmindful of his Whereabouts. She would lead him into the Shade, snapher Fingers, call his Name, and gradually pull him out of the Trance. He would look at her with a filmy Gaze and smile faintly, as if partlyremembering and then say: "Don't forget to follow through. Keep thehead down--tight with the left--no hunching--pivot on the hips. For aCuppy Lie, take the Nib. If running up with the Jigger, drop her dead. The full St. Andrews should not be thrown into a Putt. Never up, neverin. Lift the flag. Take a pickout from Casual Water but play theRoad-ways. To overcome Slicing or Pulling, advance the right or leftFoot. Schlaffing and Socketing may be avoided by adding a hook withtop-spin or _vice versa. _ The Man says there are twenty-six Thingsto be remembered in Driving from the Tee. One is Stance. I forget theother twenty-five. "

Then the Partner of his Joys and Sorrows, with the accent on the DebitSide, would shoot twenty Grains of Asperin into him and plant him inthe Flax. 

Next morning at Breakfast he would break it to her that the Brassie haddeveloped too much of a Whip and he had decided to try a forty-inchShaft. 

They had Seasoned Hickory for Breakfast, Bunkers for Luncheon, and theFair Green for Dinner. 

As a matter of course they had to give up their comfortable Home amongthe Friends who had got used to them and move out to a strawboardBungalow so as to be near the Execution Grounds. 

Mrs. Pallzey wanted to do the White Mountains, but Mr. Pallzey neededher. He wanted her to be waiting on the Veranda at Dusk, so that hecould tell her all about it, from the preliminary Address to the finalFoozle. 

Sometimes he would come home enveloped in a foglike Silence whichwould last beyond early Candle Lighting, when he would express theOpinion that the Administration at Washington had proved a Failure. 

Perhaps the very next Evening he would lope all the way up the Graveland breeze into her presence, smelling like a warm gust of Air fromDundee. 

He would ask her to throw an Amber Light on the Big Hero. He wouldcall her "Kid" and say that Vardon had nothing on him. Her man was theGink to show that Pill how to take a Joke. 

Then she would know that he had won a Box of Balls from Mrs. Talbot'spoor old crippled Father-in-Law. 

She could read him like a Barometer. If he and Mr. Hilgus, the RealEstate Man, came home together fifteen feet apart, she would know ithad been a Jolly Day on the Links. 

By the second summer, Mr. Pallzey had worked up until he was allowed touse a Shower Bath once hallowed by the presence of Jerome Travers. 

He was not exactly a Duffer. He was what might be called a sub-Duffer, or Varnish, which means that the Committee was ashamed to mark up theHandicap. 

He still had a good many superfluous Hands and Feet and was bleedingfreely on every Green. 

Sometimes he would last as far as the Water-Hazard and then sink with aBubbling Cry. 

Notwithstanding which, he kept on trying to look like the Photographsof Ouimet. 

If he spun into the High Spinach off at the Right it was Tough Luck. If he whanged away with a Niblick down in a bottomless Pit, caromed ona couple of Oaks, and finally angled off toward the Cup, he would goaround for Days talking about Some Shot. 

As his Ambition increased, his Mental Arithmetic became more and moredefective and his Moral Nature was wholly atrophied. 

As an Exponent of the more advanced Play he was a Fliv, but as aMatchmaker he was a Hum-Dinger. 

He knew he was plain pastry for the Sharks, so he would hang around thefirst Tee waiting to cop out a Pudding. 

One day he took on Mrs. Olmstead's Infant Son, just home from MilitarySchool. 

The tender Cadet nursed him along to an even-up at the Punch-Bowl andthen proceeded to smear his vital Organs all over the Bad Lands. 

That evening Mr. Pallzey told her she would have to cut down onHousehold Expenses. 

Six years after he gave up the Business Career and consecrated himselfto something more Important, Mr. Pallzey had so well mastered thebaffling Intricacies that he was allowed to trail in a Foursome withthe President of the Club. This happened once. 

It is well known that any Person who mooches around a Country Club fora sufficient Period will have some kind of a Cup wished on to him. Fourteen years after Mr. Pallzey threw himself into it, Heart and Soul, and when the Expenses approximated $30, 000, he earned his Halo. 

One evening he came back to his haggard Companion, chortling infant-wise, and displayed something which looked like an Eye-Cup with Handleson it. 

He said it was a Trophy. It was a Consolation Offering for Maidenswith an allowance of more than eighteen. 

After that their daily Life revolved around the $2 bargain inBritannia. Mrs. Pallzey had to use Metal Polish on it to keep it fromturning black. 

When the Visitors lined up in front of the Mantel and gazed at the tinyShaving Mug, the Cellar Champion on the World would regale them withthe story of hairbreadth 'Scapes and moving Adventures by GravelGullies and rushing Streams on the Memorable Day when he (Pallzey) hadput the Blocks to Old Man McLaughlin, since deceased. 

Then he would ask all present to feel of his Forearm, after which hewould pull the Favorite One about Golf adding ten years to his life. 

Mrs. Pallzey would be sitting back, pouring Tea, but she never chimedin with any Estimate as to what had been the effect on her Table ofExpectations. 

MORAL: Remain under the Awning. 

THE NEW FABLE OF THE LONESOME CAMP ON THE FROZEN HEIGHTS

Elam was the main Whizzer in a huddle of Queen Annes, bounded on theNorth by a gleaming Cemetery, on the East by a limping subdivision, onthe South by a deserted Creamery, and on the West by an expanse ofStubble. 

Claudine was the other two-thirds of the Specialty. 

She was a snappy little Trick and it was a dull hour of the Day orNight when she couldn't frame up a new General Order for theBreadwinner. 

The Marriage came off during the third summer of her twenty-seventhyear. 

She accepted Elam about a week before he proposed to her, thussimplifying the Ordeal. 

While the Wafer on the License was still warm, she put on her spangledSuit, moved to the centre of the Ring, and cracked the Whip. 

After than Elam continued to be a Hellion around the Office, but in hisprivate Quarters he was merely Otto, the Trained Seal. 

Claudine could make him Bark, play the Cymbals, or go back to the BlueBench. 

There is one Elam in every Settlement. 

All the wise Paper-hangers and the fly Guitar Players had him marked upas a Noodle, but somehow, every time the winning Numbers were hung out, he would be found in Line, waiting to Cash. 

He was not Bright enough to do anything except garner the GoldCertificates. 

Elam had no Ear for Music, and, coming out of the Opera House, nevercould remember the name of the Play or which one of the Burglars wasthe real Hero. 

His Reading was confined to the Headlines of a conservative Paper whichwas still printing War News. 

Baseball had not come into his Life whatsoever. 

A cultured Steno, who knew about George Meredith and Arnold Bennett, had to do his Spelling for him at 14 Bucks per. 

The Cerebellum of Elam was probably about the dimensions of a MalagaGrape. 

Sizing him by his Looks, one would have opined that Nature meant himfor a Ticket-taker in a suburban Cinema Palace. 

Elam was a mental Gnat and a spiritual Microbe, but the Geezer knew howto annex the Kale. 

When Providence is directing the Handouts, she very often slips someSquarehead the canny Gift of corralling the Cush, but holds out all ofthe desirable Attributes supposed to distinguish Man from what you seein the Cages at the Zoo. 

After the Pater had earned his Shaft in the Cemetery, Elam became theLoud Noise around a dinky Manufacturing Plant down by the Yards. The Cracker Barrel Coterie and all the Old Ladies who had becomemuscle-bound from wielding the Sledge predicted that Elam would put theOrganization into the Ditch, wrong side up. 

The Well-wishers, the Brotherly lovers, and the total membership of theHelping Hand Society sat back waiting for Elam to be dug out of theDebris, so they could collect Witness Fees at the Autopsy. 

The Junior earned their abiding Dislike by putting one across. 

He made the Fossils sit up in their padded Rocking Chairs and pay someattention to the Idiot Child. 

He never could hold down any Position until tried out for a Captain ofIndustry and then he began to Bat 450 and Field 998. 

After the dusty Workmen had manufactured the Product, and the Salesmenhad unloaded it, and the Collectors had brought in the Dinero, thenElam had to sit at a Mahogany Desk with a Picture of Claudine in frontof him, and figure how much of the hard-earned Mazuma would be doledout to his greedy Employees. 

Sometimes he would be compelled to fork over nearly half the Gross, whereupon his Heart would ache and he would become Morose. 

In a few Years he had a lot of new Buildings, with Skylights andimproved Machinery and all sorts of humane Appliances to enable theWorking Force to increase the Output. 

As the Bank Account expanded and the Happy Couple found themselvesgoing up, Claudine began to scan the Horizon and act restless-like. She said the Home Town was Impossible. It certainly did seem Contraryto Reason. 

Any Woman with a salaried Husband could bust into Society if she sangin a Choir or owned an Ice-cream Freezer. 

Claudine was for migrating to some high-toned Community beyond theRising Sun, where she could sit in Marble Halls and compare Jewelrywith proud Duennas of her own Station. 

Seeing Claudine at the corner of 8th and Central, waiting for the OpenCar, one would not have suspected that she harbored Intentions on theCourt Circles of Europe. 

One would merely have guessed that she was on her way to the Drug Storeto purchase much Camphor. 

But she had taken a peek at the Palm Rooms and the powdered Lackeys andthe Tea Riot at the Plaza, and she was panting inwardly. 

She wanted to hang a silver Bell around her neck and go galloping withthe white-faced Thoroughbreds. 

It was no good trying to work up Speed on a half-mile track in thePrairie Loam. 

Once in a while Claudine made a bold Sashay to start somethingdevilish, but the Fillies trained on the Farm did not seem gaited forthe Grand Circuit. 

As for the Servant Problem, it was something ferocious. City Helpcould not be lured to the Tall Grass, and all the Locals had beenschooled at the Railway Eating-House. 

Elam and Claudine had a Cook named Gusta, born somewhere near theArctic Circle in Europe. 

Her fried Chicken drowned in thick Gravy came under the head of RegularFood. 

She could turn out Waffles as long as there was a Customer in sight. The Biscuits on which she specialized were light as Down. 

The Things she fixed to Eat were Fine and Dandy but she never had heardof a Cuisine. 

When you took her away from regular Chow and made her tackle somethingCasserole or En Tasse, she blew. 

Also there was a Maid who should have belonged to the Stevedore's Union. She could pack Victuals in from the Buttery and slam them down on theTable, a la Commercial Hotel, but when it came to building up anintricate Design with an ingrowing Napkin, three spoons, four Knives, five forks, and all the long-stemmed Glasses, to say nothing of anartful pyramiding of Cut Flowers around the Candelabra, then she wassimply a female Blacksmith. 

Claudine would throw a Dinner once in a while, just to subdue the Wifeand Daughter of the National Bank, but the Crew would nearly alwayscrab the Entertainment. 

With the Support accorded by the solid ivory Staff, she had a fatChance to give a correct imitation of Mrs. Stuyvesant Fish. 

All during the nine Courses she had to yelp more Orders than theForeman of a Street Gang. A Megaphone would have helped some. The Hostess who wishes to look and carry on like a Duchess, certainlyfinds it vexing when pop-eyed Lizzie leans against all of the principalGuests in turn and then endeavors to shoot the Episcopalian Rector inthe Neck with a gush of real Champagne. 

After one of these sad Affairs, at which the Rummies had balled up thewhole Menu, Claudine came to the front with an Ultimatum. She said shewas going to can the awful Birthplace and spend the remainder of herNatural among the real Rowdy-Dows. 

"Right-o, Babe!" spoke up Elam. "To-day I have put the Works into anew Combine which makes me a Janitor so far as the Plant is concerned, but boosts me into the Charley Schwab division when it comes toCollateral. I have three million Iron Boys and most of it is Turkey. I am foot-loose and free as a Robin. Let us beat it to the Big Show. It is about time that the vast Territory lying toward the East shouldbe aroused from its Lethargy. Go as far as you like. "

The two were foxy. For monetary and real-estate Reasons they did notgive it out cold that they were making a final Getaway. They plannedto have Gusta remain at the dear old Dump as a Caretaker, but it wasmerely a Bluff. 

When the Town Hack followed a Wagon-Load of Trunks to the Depot, Claudine leaned out and said: "Fare thee well, O you Indian Village!This is the Parting of the Ways for little Sunshine. "

Next we see them in the gaudy Diner, eating Sweetbreads. 

Next day thousands of warm-hearted New Yorkers were packed along theWater front all the Way from the Battery to Grant's Tomb, giving royalWelcome to the Corn-fed Pilgrims. At any rate, they were Packed. 

When Elam and Claudine entered the Hotel, the discerning Bell-hops hadthem stand back until the others had registered. 

They were Important but they did not carry any Signs. 

Elam should have worn the Letter of Credit on the outside. 

After they had taken the Imperial Suite and invited all the Servants onthe Twelfth Floor to a Silver Shower, they found that the Call-Bellsworked fine. If Elam moved in the general direction of a Button, ahandsome West Pointer would flit in with a pitcher of Iced Water andthen hover around for his Bit. 

Both realized that the first requisite was a lot of new Scenery. Even when they rapped sharply with a Spoon and ordered Garcon to hurryup the Little Birds with a Flagon of St. Regis Bubbles to come along asa drench, they realized that they did not look the Parts. 

Elam still combed his Hair in the style approved by the "Barbers' Guideand Manual" for 1887. 

Claudine was fully clothed as far up as her Neck and didn't have theNerve to hoist the Lorgnette. 

Elam went out and had himself draped by a swagger Tailor who was saidto do a lot of Work for the Vanderbilt Boys. 

In his Afternoon Wear he resembled the Manager of a Black-GoodsDepartment. 

After donning the complete Soup and Fish, known in swozzey circles asThirteen and the Odd, he didn't look as much like a Waiter as one mighthave supposed. He looked more like the 'Bus who takes away the Dishes. 

Claudine yielded herself up to a Modiste. The Good Woman from out ofTown was a trifle Long in the Tooth at this stage of our Narrative, but Mme. Bunk convinced her that she was about half way between theTrundle Bed and her First Party. 

She ordered all the Chic Novelties recommended for Flappers, so thatElam began to walk about ten feet behind her, wondering vaguely if hisfamily was still respectable. 

The new Harness and a careless habit of counting Money in Public soongave them an enviable Reputation in the principal Cafes, although theycould not observe that they were moving any nearer to the NewportColony. 

The shift from Pig's Knuckles to Ambrosia and Nectar had been a littlesudden for Elam, and sometimes, when they were darting hither andthither, from Road-House to Play-House and thence to the Louis XIVSitting-Room by way of the Tango-Joint, he would moan a little and actlike a Quitter. 

Whereupon Claudine would jack him up and tell him to pull out his Cuffsand push back the Forelock and try to be Human. 

No use. He was strictly Ritz-Carlton from the Pumps to the Topper, butthe word "Boob" was plainly stenciled on the glossy Front. 

When they had conquered all the Eating-Places in the Tenderloin theymoved on to Europe, where they were just as welcome as Influenza. 

It was great to sit in the Savoy at the Supper Hour, surrounded by thebest known people mentioned in the Court Circulars. 

It was indeed a privilege for Elam and Claudine to be among the BritishCousins, even if the British Cousins did not seem to place Elam andClaudine. 

Looking in any direction they could see naught but frosty andforbidding Shoulder Blades. 

After partaking of their Sole and Grouse and winning a pleasant "Good-Night" from the Chevalier in the Check-Room, they would escape to theirApartments and talk to the Dog. 

In Paris they did better. 

They learned that by going out on the Boulevard and whistling, theycould summon a whole Regiment of high-born and patrician Down-and-Outers. Most of the Titles were slightly worm-eaten and spotted with Scale, but nevertheless Genuine. 

It was Nuts for Claudine to assemble all of the Noblemen to be pickedup around the Lobby and give them a free run and jump at the Carte duJour. 

Her Dinners soon became the talk of the Chambermaids employed at theHotel. 

Any one willing to cut loose on Caviar and stuff raised under Glasswill never have to dine alone in gay Paree. 

Whenever Elam made a noise like 1000 Frogs he found a lot of well-bredConnoisseurs at his Elbow, all ready to have something unusual broughtup from the Cellar. 

The securing of an Invitation to one of Claudine's formal Dinners wasalmost as difficult as getting into Luna Park. 

However, the list of guests sounded Real when sent back to America andprinted for the entertainment of persons living in Boarding-Houses. Claudine became slightly puffed. When she found herself between acouple of perfumed Lads wearing Medals she would give Friend Husbandthe Office to move to one side and curl up in the Grass and not ruinthe Ensemble by butting in. 

Elam was usually at the foot of the Table behind a mass of Orchids. Once in a while he would try to crowd into the Conversation just to letthem know that old Ready Money was still present, but every time hecame up Dearie would do her blamedest to Bean him and put him out ofthe Game. 

Claudine could make a stab at the new Pictures in the Salon and evenrun nimbly around the edge of the Futurist vogue. 

Elam was ready to discuss Steamship Lines or Railway Accommodations, but when he was put against the Tall Brows he began to burn low andsmell of the Wick. 

Often, when surfeited with Truffles, he would wonder what had become ofthe Green Corn, the K. And K. , the regular Chicken with Giblets, theHot Cherry Pie, the smoking Oyster Stew, and the Smearcase with Chives, such as Gusta used to send in. 

These reminders of a lowly Past were very distasteful to Claudine. Once he talked in his Sleep about Cod-fish Balls, and next morning shelit on him something ramfugious. 

After the Parisian triumphs it seemed a safe bet to return home andmake a new effort to mingle with the Face-Cards. 

This time they took a House in New York and went after Grand Opera asif they knew what it was about. 

The Son of an earl consented to Buttle for them. He refused themButter with their Meals and kept them trembling most of the time, butthey determined to do things Right, even if both died of NervousProstration. 

When they began making real Headway and were recognized in the Park bysome of the Headliners, Claudine would chide Elam for his early Doubtsand Fears. 

"This has got the Middle West skinned forty ways from the Jack, " shewould exclaim, gayly, as they motored up the Avenue. "Me for the WhiteLights! It's a good thing you had a Pacemaker or you would now bewearing detachable Cuffs and putting Sugar on your Lettuce. "

Two years had elapsed since the escape from being Buried Alive. They were, to all outward appearances, City-broke. 

One day Claudine allowed that she was tired of Bridge and the gayRoutine. She announced that she was slipping away to Virginia HotSprings to cool off and rest. 

Elam said that while she was lying up, he would inspect certain MiningProperties in Canada. 

He drove Honey to the train, then he tore back to the palatial Home, chucked a few Props into a Suit Case and headed for the Grand Central. He never stopped going until he ducked in the Back Way, through theGrape Arbor, past the Woodshed, into the Kitchen of the old Homesteadin which he first saw the Light of Day. 

Gusta nearly keeled when she lamped the long-lost Boss. 

"Get busy, " he said. "One fried Steak, the size of a Lap-Robe, smothered with Onions, two dozen Biscuits without any Armor Plate, onebushel of home-made Pork and Beans, much Butter, and a Gallon of Coffeein a Tureen. "

"You will have to wait a while, " said the faithful Gusta. "There is adouble order of Ham and Turnips ahead of you. While you are waitingyou might go up and call on the Missus. She has put on her old BlueWrapper and the Yarn Slippers and is now lying on a Feather Tick in theSpare Room. "

MORAL: The only City People are those born so. 

THE NEW FABLE OF THE MARATHON IN THE MUD AND THE LAUREL WREATH

A Stub-Nosed Primary Pupil, richly endowed with old-gold Freckles, lived in a one-cylinder Town, far from the corroding influences of theStock Exchange. 

He arrived during the age of Board Sidewalks, Congress Gaiters, and Piefor Breakfast. 

The Paper Collar, unmindful of the approaching Celluloid, was stillaffected by the more tony Dressers. Prison-made Bow Ties, with thehandy elastic Fastener, were then considered right Natty. 

Limousines, Eugenics, Appendicitis, and the regulation of Combines werebeyond the rise of the Hill, so the talk was mostly about the Weatherand Married Women. 

The baptismal Cognomen of the mottled Offspring was Alexander CampbellPurvis, but on account of his sunny Disposition he was known to theCountryside as Aleck. 

One morning the Lad did his crawl from under the Quilt at an hour whenour Best People of the new Century are sending away the empty Siphons. He was acting on a Hunch. 

The far-famed Yankee Robinson show, with the Trick Mule and the smilingTumblers, had exhibited the day before on the vacant Lot between theGrist-Mill and the Parsonage. 

Aleck was familiar with the juvenile Tradition that Treasure could bediscovered at or near the trampled Spot on which the Ticket-Wagon hadbeen anchored. 

It was known that the agitated Yahoos from up in Catfish Country werelikely to fumble and spill their saved-up Currency, thereby avoidingthe trouble of handing it over to the Grafters later on. 

Aleck was the first Prospector to show. He got busy and uncovered aSilver Buck. 

It looked about the size of a Ferris Wheel. 

While beating it for the parental Roof he began laying out in his Mindall the Pleasures of the Flesh that he could command with the Mass ofLucre. 

The miscue he made was to flash his Fortune in the Family Circle. After breakfast he found himself being steered to the Farmers &Merchants' Bank. 

He was pried away from the Cart-Wheel and given a teeny little Bookwhich showed that he was a Depositor. 

"Now, Alexander C. , " said his Ma, "if you will shin up the ladder andpick Cherries every day this week at two cents per Quart, by nightfallof Saturday you will have another Case-Note to put into Cold Storage. "

"But, if I continue dropping the proceeds of my Labor into theReservoir, what is there in it for me?" asked the inquisitive Chick. 

His mother replied, "Why, you will have the Gratification of moving upto the Window at the Bank and earning a Smile of Approbation from oldMr. Fishberry with the Throat Whiskers. "

So the aspiring Manikin clung to the perilous Tree-Tops day after day, dropping the ruby Cherries into the suspended Bucket, while all of theRelatives stood on the ground and applauded. 

One day there was a Conference and it was discovered that little Aleckwas solvent to the extent of $2. 80. 

"Would it not be Rayzorius?" queried the Sire of Alexander; "would itnot be Ipskalene if Aleck kept on and on until he had assembled fivewhole Dollars?"

Thus spurred to Endeavor by a large and rooting Gallery, the Urchinwent prowling for Old Iron, which he trundled off to the Junkman. 

Also for empty Bottles, which he laboriously scoured and delivered atthe Drug Store for a mere dribble of Chicken Feed. 

The sheet of Copper brought a tidy Sum, while old Mrs. Arbucklewondered what had become of her Wash-Boiler. 

With a V to his Credit, Aleck put a Padlock on every Pocket in hisStore Suit and went Money-Mad. 

He acquired a Runt and swilled it with solicitude until the Butchermade him an offer. 

It was a proud Moment when he eased in the $7. 60 to T. W. Fishberry, who told him to keep on scrounging and some day he would own a sharein the Building & Loan. 

Our Hero fooled away his time in School until he was all of elevenyears old, when he became associated with one Blodgett in the GroceryBusiness, at a weekly Insult of Two Bones. 

All the time Aleck was cleaning the Coal-Oil Lamps or watching the NewOrleans Syrup trickle into the Jug, he was figuring how much of theStipend he could segregate and isolate and set aside for the venerableMr. Fishberry, the Taker-In up at the Bank with the Chinchilla on theLarynx. 

For ten long years the White Slave tested Eggs and scooped the C Sugar. When Aleck became of Age, Mr. Blodgett was compelling him to take $30the first of every month. 

He lived on Snowballs in the Winter and Dandelions in the Summer, buthe had paid $800 on a two-story Brick facing Railroad Street. 

His name was a Byword and Hissing among the Pool-Players. 

Nevertheless, he stood Ace High with the old Two-per-cent-a-Month up atthe Abattoir known as the Farmers & Merchants' Bank. 

The Boys who dropped in every thirty Days came to know him as a WiseFish and a Close Buyer. They boosted at Headquarters, so the firstthing you know Aleck was a Drummer, with two Grips bigger than Dog-Houses and a chance to swing on the Expense Account. 

A lowly and unsung Wanamaker would be sitting in his Prunery, wearingYarn Wristlets to keep warm and meditating another Attack on the Bottleof Stomach Bitters in the Safe, when Aleck would breeze in and light onhim and sell him several Gross of something he didn't need. 

The Traveling Salesman dug up many a Cross-Roads overlooked by the Map-Makers. 

He knew how to pin a Rube against the Wall and make him say "Yes. "

He rode in Cabooses, fought the Roller-Towels, endured the Taunts ofEss, Bess, and Tess who shot the Sody Biscuit, and reclined in theChamber of Horrors, entirely surrounded by Wall-Paper, but what caredhe?

He was salting the Spon. 

He was closing in on the Needful. 

For a term of years he lived on Time-Tables and slept sitting up. 

Day after day he dog-trotted through a feverish Routine of unpackingand packing, and then climbing back to the superheated Day Coach amongthe curdled Smells. 

Every January 1st he did a Gaspard Chuckle when he checked up the totalGet, for now he owned two Brick Buildings and had tasted a little Bloodin the way of Chattel Mortgages. 

One of the partners in the Jobbing Concern happened to die. BeforeRigor Mortis could set in or the Undertaker had time to flash a TapeMeasure, Aleck was up at the grief-stricken Home to cop out an Optionon the Interest. 

Now he could give the Cackle to all the Knights of the Road who hadblown their Substance along the gay White Ways of Crawfordsville, Bucyrus, and Sedalia. 

He was the real Gazook with a Glass Cage, a sliding Desk and a wholeBattery of Rubber Stamps. 

In order to learn every Kink of the Game, freeze out the other Holdersof Stock and gradually possess himself of all the Money in the World, Aleck now found it necessary to organize himself into both a Day and aNight Shift and have his Lunches brought in. 

The various Smoothenheimers who were out on the Road had a proud chanceto get by with the padded Expense Account. Aleck could smell a Phoneybefore he opened the Envelope, because that is how he got His. 

With a three-ton Burden on his aching Shoulders, he staggered up theflinty Incline. 

Away back yonder, while sleeping above the Store, a vision had come tohim. He saw himself sitting as a Director at a Bank Meeting--anenlarged and glorified Fishberry. 

Now he was playing Fox and pulling for the Dream to work out. 

The cold-eyed Custodians up at the main Fortress of Credit began totake notice of the Rustler. 

He was a Glutton for Punishment, a Discounter from away back, and aDemon for applying the Acid Test to every Account. 

He was a Sure-Thinger, air-tight and playing naught but Cinches. Nowonder they all took a slant at him and spotted him as a Comer. 

The Business Associates of Alexander liked to see Europe from theinside every summer and investigate the Cocktail Crop of Florida everywinter, so they allowed him to be the Works. 

He began building the Skids which finally carried them to the Fresh Airand left only one name on the Gold Sign. 

Up to his Chin in Debt and with a Panic looming on the Horizon, itbehooved Alexander to be on the job at 7:30 A. M. And hang around toscan the Pay-Roll until 9:30 P. M. 

Ofttimes while galloping from his Apartment to the Galleys or chasinghomeward to grab off a few wasteful hours of Slumber, he would seePeople of the Lower Classes going out to the Parks with Picnic Baskets, or lined up at the Vaudeville Palaces, or watching a hard-facedSoubrette demonstrate something in a Show Window. 

It got him to think Dubs could frivol around and waste the goldenMoments when they might be hopping on to a Ten-Cent Piece. 

His usual Gait was that of a man going for the Doctor, and he talkedNumbers to himself as he sped along and mumbled over the importantLetters he was about to dictate. 

Those who were pushed out of his way would overhear a scrap or two ofthe Raving and think he was Balmy. 

The answer is that every hard-working Business Guy acts as if he hadScreech-Owls in the Tower. 

Aleck had his whole Staff so buffaloed that the Hirelings tried to keepup with him, so that Life in the Beehive was just one thing afteranother, with no Intermission. 

The Whip cracked every five minutes, and the Help would dig in theirtoes and take a fresh lean-up against the Collars, for the Main Squeezewas trying to be a Bank Director, and Rockefeller had stolen a longstart on him. 

With a thousand important Details claiming his attention, Aleck had notime to monkey with side issues such as the general State of his Healthor the multifarious plans for uplifting the Flat-Heads that he couldsee from his Window. 

Those who recommended Golf to him seemed to forget that no one everlaid by anything while on the Links. 

As for the Plain People, his only Conviction when he surveyed them inthe Mass was that every Man-Jack was holding back Money that rightfullybelonged to him (Alexander). 

Needless to say, the battling Financier was made welcome at theDirector's Table and handed a piece of a Trust Company and became anhonored Guest when any Melon was to be sliced. 

All that he dreamt while sleeping in the cold room over the Store hadeventuated for fair. 

The more Irons in the Fire, the more flip-flops he turned. 

He never paused, except to weep over the fact that some of the rivalProcurers were getting more than he could show. It was an unjust World. Brushing away the salty Tears, he would leap seven feet into the Airand spear a passing Dollar. 

By the time he had the Million necessary for the support of a suitableand well-recommended Lady, he was too busy to go chasing and too foxyto split his Pile with a rank Outsider. 

His Motor-Car squawked at the Sparrow Cops when they waved their Arms. 

The engineer who pulled the Private Car always had his Orders to hit itup. 

Sometimes the Private Secretary would drop out from Exhaustion, but theHuman Dynamo never slowed up. He would shout his General Orders intothe Cylinder of a Talking Machine. 

He reposed at Night with a Ticker on his Bosom and a Receiver at hisEar. 

When he finally flew the Track and blew out the Carburetor, they hadto use a Net to get him under Control so that he could be carted awayto the Hospital. 

Then the Trained Nurse had to practice all the Trick Holds known toFrank Gotch to keep him from arising to resume the grim Battle againsthis Enemies on the Board. 

He fluttered long before calming down, but finally they got him allspread out and as nice a Patient as one could wish to see. 

When he was too weak to start anything, Doc sat down and cheered himalong by telling what Precautions should have been taken, along about1880. 

"And now, I have some News for you, " said the Practitioner, holding inhis Grief so well that no one could notice it. "You are going awayfrom here. Owing to the total absence of many Organs commonly regardedas essential, it will be impossible for you to go back to the Desk andduplicate any of your notable Stunts. No doubt we shall be able toengage Six Men of Presentable Appearance to act as Pall-Bearers. Itis our purpose to proceed to the Cemetery by Automobile so as not toimpede Traffic on any of the Surface Lines in which you are so heavilyinterested. I congratulate you on getting so far along before beingtripped up, and I am wondering if you have a Final Request to make. "

"Just one, " replied the Great Man, "I'd like to have you or somebodyelse tell me what it's all been about. "

The only remaining Fact to be chronicled is that the original Dollar, picked up on the Circus Lot, was found among the Effects. 

A Nephew, whom Alexander Campbell Purvis never had seen, took theDollar and with it purchased two Packs of Egyptian Cigaroots, Regalsize, with Gold Tips. 

MORAL: A pinch of Change, carefully put by, always comes in handy. 

THE END

[Colophon]THE COUNTRY LIFE PRESSGARDEN CITY, N. Y.