A JOURNEY FROM THIS WORLD TO THE NEXT

By Henry Fielding

CONTENTS:

INTRODUCTION

 BOOK I

 CHAPTER I. The author dies, meets with Mercury, and is by him conducted to the stage which sets out for the other world

 CHAPTER II. In which the author first refutes some idle opinions concerning spirits, and then the passengers relate their several deaths. 

 CHAPTER III. The adventures we met with in the City of Diseases

 CHAPTER IV. Discourses on the road, and a description of the palace of Death

 CHAPTER V. The travelers proceed on their journey, and meet several spirits who are coming into the flesh

 CHAPTER VI. An account of the wheel of fortune, with a method of preparing a spirit for this world

 CHAPTER VII. The proceedings of judge Minos at the gate of Elysium

 CHAPTER VIII. The adventures which the author met on his first entrance into Elysium

 CHAPTER IX. More adventures in Elysium

 CHAPTER X. The author is surprised at meeting Julian the apostate in Elysium; but is satisfied by him by what means he procured his entrance there. Julian relates his adventures in the character of a slave

 CHAPTER XI. In which Julian relates his adventures in the character of an avaricious Jew

 CHAPTER XII. What happened to Julian in the characters of a general, an heir, a carpenter, and a beau

 CHAPTER XIII. Julian passes into a fop

 CHAPTER XIV. Adventures in the person of a monk

 CHAPTER XV. Julian passes into the character of a fiddler

 CHAPTER XVI. The history of the wise man

 CHAPTER XVII. Julian enters into the person of a king

 CHAPTER XVIII. Julian passes into a fool

 CHAPTER XIX. Julian appears in the character of a beggar

 CHAPTER XX. Julian performs the part of a statesman

 CHAPTER XXI. Julian's adventures in the post of a soldier

 CHAPTER XXII. What happened to Julian in the person of a tailor

 CHAPTER XXIII. The life of alderman Julian

 CHAPTER XXIV. Julian recounts what happened to him while he was a poet

 CHAPTER XXV. Julian performs the parts of a knight and a dancing-master

 BOOK II. 

 CHAPTER VII. Wherein Anna Boleyn relates the history of her life

A JOURNEY FROM THIS WORLD TO THE NEXT

INTRODUCTION

Whether the ensuing pages were really the dream or vision of some verypious and holy person; or whether they were really written in the otherworld, and sent back to this, which is the opinion of many (thoughI think too much inclining to superstition); or lastly, whether, asinfinitely the greatest part imagine, they were really the productionof some choice inhabitant of New Bethlehem, is not necessary nor easyto determine. It will be abundantly sufficient if I give the reader anaccount by what means they came into my possession. Mr. Robert Powney, stationer, who dwells opposite to Catherine-street in the Strand, avery honest man and of great gravity of countenance; who, among otherexcellent stationery commodities, is particularly eminent for his pens, which I am abundantly bound to acknowledge, as I owe to their peculiargoodness that my manuscripts have by any means been legible: thisgentleman, I say, furnished me some time since with a bundle of thosepens, wrapped up with great care and caution, in a very large sheet ofpaper full of characters, written as it seemed in a very bad hand. Now, I have a surprising curiosity to read everything which is almostillegible; partly perhaps from the sweet remembrance of the dearScrawls, Skrawls, or Skrales (for the word is variously spelled), whichI have in my youth received from that lovely part of the creation forwhich I have the tenderest regard; and partly from that temper of mindwhich makes men set an immense value on old manuscripts so effaced, bustoes so maimed, and pictures so black that no one can tell what tomake of them. I therefore perused this sheet with wonderful application, and in about a day's time discovered that I could not understand it. Iimmediately repaired to Mr. Powney, and inquired very eagerly whetherhe had not more of the same manuscript? He produced about one hundredpages, acquainting me that he had saved no more; but that the book wasoriginally a huge folio, had been left in his garret by a gentlemanwho lodged there, and who had left him no other satisfaction for ninemonths' lodging. He proceeded to inform me that the manuscript had beenhawked about (as he phrased it) among all the booksellers, who refusedto meddle; some alleged that they could not read, others that they couldnot understand it. Some would haze it to be an atheistical book, andsome that it was a libel on the government; for one or other of whichreasons they all refused to print it. That it had been likewise shown tothe R--l Society, but they shook their heads, saying, there was nothingin it wonderful enough for them. That, hearing the gentleman was goneto the West-Indies, and believing it to be good for nothing else, he hadused it as waste paper. He said I was welcome to what remained, and hewas heartily sorry for what was missing, as I seemed to set some valueon it. 

I desired him much to name a price: but he would receive noconsideration farther than the payment of a small bill I owed him, whichat that time he said he looked on as so much money given him. 

I presently communicated this manuscript to my friend parson AbrahamAdams, who, after a long and careful perusal, returned it me with hisopinion that there was more in it than at first appeared; that theauthor seemed not entirely unacquainted with the writings of Plato; buthe wished he had quoted him sometimes in his margin, that I might besure (said he) he had read him in the original: for nothing, continuedthe parson, is commoner than for men now-a-days to pretend to have readGreek authors, who have met with them only in translations, and cannotconjugate a verb in mi. 

To deliver my own sentiments on the occasion, I think the authordiscovers a philosophical turn of thinking, with some little knowledgeof the world, and no very inadequate value of it. There are some indeedwho, from the vivacity of their temper and the happiness of theirstation, are willing to consider its blessings as more substantial, andthe whole to be a scene of more consequence than it is here represented:but, without controverting their opinions at present, the number of wiseand good men who have thought with our author are sufficient to keep himin countenance: nor can this be attended with any ill inference, sincehe everywhere teaches this moral: That the greatest and truest happinesswhich this world affords, is to be found only in the possession ofgoodness and virtue; a doctrine which, as it is undoubtedly true, sohath it so noble and practical a tendency, that it can never be toooften or too strongly inculcated on the minds of men. 

BOOK I

CHAPTER I

 The author dies, meets with Mercury, and is by him conducted to the stage which sets out for the other world. 

On the first day of December 1741 [1] I departed this life at mylodgings in Cheapside. My body had been some time dead before I was atliberty to quit it, lest it should by any accident return to life: thisis an injunction imposed on all souls by the eternal law of fate, toprevent the inconveniences which would follow. As soon as the destinedperiod was expired (being no longer than till the body is becomeperfectly cold and stiff) I began to move; but found myself under adifficulty of making my escape, for the mouth or door was shut, so thatit was impossible for me to go out at it; and the windows, vulgarlycalled the eyes, were so closely pulled down by the fingers of a nurse, that I could by no means open them. At last I perceived a beam of lightglimmering at the top of the house (for such I may call the body I hadbeen inclosed in), whither ascending, I gently let myself down through akind of chimney, and issued out at the nostrils. 

No prisoner discharged from a long confinement ever tasted the sweetsof liberty with a more exquisite relish than I enjoyed in this deliveryfrom a dungeon wherein I had been detained upwards of forty years, andwith much the same kind of regard I cast my eyes [2] backwards upon it. 

My friends and relations had all quitted the room, being all (as Iplainly overheard) very loudly quarreling below stairs about mywill; there was only an old woman left above to guard the body, as Iapprehend. She was in a fast sleep, occasioned, as from her savor itseemed, by a comfortable dose of gin. I had no pleasure in this company, and, therefore, as the window was wide open, I sallied forth into theopen air: but, to my great astonishment, found myself unable to fly, which I had always during my habitation in the body conceived ofspirits; however, I came so lightly to the ground that I did not hurtmyself; and, though I had not the gift of flying (owing probably tomy having neither feathers nor wings), I was capable of hopping such aprodigious way at once, that it served my turn almost as well. I hadnot hopped far before I perceived a tall young gentleman in a silkwaistcoat, with a wing on his left heel, a garland on his head, and acaduceus in his right hand. [3] I thought I had seen this person before, but had not time to recollect where, when he called out to me and askedme how long I had been departed. I answered I was just come forth. "Youmust not stay here, " replied he, "unless you had been murdered: in whichcase, indeed, you might have been suffered to walk some time; but if youdied a natural death you must set out for the other world immediately. "I desired to know the way. "O, " cried the gentleman, "I will show youto the inn whence the stage proceeds; for I am the porter. Perhaps younever heard of me--my name is Mercury. " "Sure, sir, " said I, "Ihave seen you at the play-house. " Upon which he smiled, and, withoutsatisfying me as to that point, walked directly forward, bidding me hopafter him. I obeyed him, and soon found myself in Warwick-lane; whereMercury, making a full stop, pointed at a particular house, where hebade me enquire for the stage, and, wishing me a good journey, took hisleave, saying he must go seek after other customers. 

I arrived just as the coach was setting out, and found I had no reasonfor inquiry; for every person seemed to know my business the moment Iappeared at the door: the coachman told me his horses were to, butthat he had no place left; however, though there were already six, thepassengers offered to make room for me. I thanked them, and ascendedwithout much ceremony. We immediately began our journey, being seven innumber; for, as the women wore no hoops, three of them were but equal totwo men. Perhaps, reader, thou mayest be pleased with an account ofthis whole equipage, as peradventure thou wilt not, while alive, see anysuch. The coach was made by an eminent toyman, who is well known todeal in immaterial substance, that being the matter of which it wascompounded. The work was so extremely fine, that it was entirelyinvisible to the human eye. The horses which drew this extraordinaryvehicle were all spiritual, as well as the passengers. They had, indeed, all died in the service of a certain postmaster; and as for thecoachman, who was a very thin piece of immaterial substance, he had thehonor while alive of driving the Great Peter, or Peter the Great, inwhose service his soul, as well as body, was almost starved to death. Such was the vehicle in which I set out, and now, those who are notwilling to travel on with me may, if they please, stop here; those whoare, must proceed to the subsequent chapters, in which this journey iscontinued. 

CHAPTER II

 In which the author first refutes some idle opinions concerning spirits, and then the passengers relate their several deaths. 

It is the common opinion that spirits, like owls, can see in the dark;nay, and can then most easily be perceived by others. For which reason, many persons of good understanding, to prevent being terrified withsuch objects, usually keep a candle burning by them, that the light mayprevent their seeing. Mr. Locke, in direct opposition to this, hath notdoubted to assert that you may see a spirit in open daylight full aswell as in the darkest night. 

It was very dark when we set out from the inn, nor could we see anymore than if every soul of us had been alive. We had traveled a good waybefore any one offered to open his mouth; indeed, most of the companywere fast asleep, [4] but, as I could not close my own eyes, andperceived the spirit who sat opposite to me to be likewise awake, Ibegan to make overtures of conversation, by complaining HOW DARK IT WAS. "And extremely cold too, " answered my fellow traveler; "though, I thankGod, as I have no body, I feel no inconvenience from it: but you willbelieve, sir, that this frosty air must seem very sharp to one justissued forth out of an oven; for such was the inflamed habitation I amlately departed from. " "How did you come to your end, sir?" said I. "I was murdered, sir, " answered the gentleman. "I am surprised then, "replied I, "that you did not divert yourself by walking up and down andplaying some merry tricks with the murderer. " "Oh, sir, " returned he, "I had not that privilege, I was lawfully put to death. In short, a physician set me on fire, by giving me medicines to throw out mydistemper. I died of a hot regimen, as they call it, in the small-pox. "

One of the spirits at that word started up and cried out, "Thesmall-pox! bless me! I hope I am not in company with that distemper, which I have all my life with such caution avoided, and have so happilyescaped hitherto!" This fright set all the passengers who were awakeinto a loud laughter; and the gentleman, recollecting himself, with someconfusion, and not without blushing, asked pardon, crying, "I protestI dreamed that I was alive. " "Perhaps, sir, " said I, "you died of thatdistemper, which therefore made so strong an impression on you. " "No, sir, " answered he, "I never had it in my life; but the continual anddreadful apprehension it kept me so long under cannot, I see, be soimmediately eradicated. You must know, sir, I avoided coming to Londonfor thirty years together, for fear of the small-pox, till the mosturgent business brought me thither about five days ago. I was sodreadfully afraid of this disease that I refused the second night ofmy arrival to sup with a friend whose wife had recovered of it severalmonths before, and the same evening got a surfeit by eating too manymuscles, which brought me into this good company. "

"I will lay a wager, " cried the spirit who sat next him, "there is notone in the coach able to guess my distemper. " I desired the favor of himto acquaint us with it, if it was so uncommon. "Why, sir, " said he, "Idied of honor. "--"Of honor, sir!" repeated I, with some surprise. "Yes, sir, " answered the spirit, "of honor, for I was killed in a duel. "

"For my part, " said a fair spirit, "I was inoculated last summer, andhad the good fortune to escape with a very few marks on my face. Iesteemed myself now perfectly happy, as I imagined I had no restraintto a full enjoyment of the diversions of the town; but within a few daysafter my coming up I caught cold by overdancing myself at a ball, andlast night died of a violent fever. "

After a short silence which now ensued, the fair spirit who spoke last, it being now daylight, addressed herself to a female who sat next her, and asked her to what chance they owed the happiness of her company. Sheanswered, she apprehended to a consumption, but the physicians were notagreed concerning her distemper, for she left two of them in a very hotdispute about it when she came out of her body. "And pray, madam, " saidthe same spirit to the sixth passenger, "How came you to leave the otherworld?" But that female spirit, screwing up her mouth, answered, shewondered at the curiosity of some people; that perhaps persons hadalready heard some reports of her death, which were far from being true;that, whatever was the occasion of it, she was glad at being deliveredfrom a world in which she had no pleasure, and where there was nothingbut nonsense and impertinence; particularly among her own sex, whoseloose conduct she had long been entirely ashamed of. 

The beauteous spirit, perceiving her question gave offense, pursued itno farther. She had indeed all the sweetness and good-humor which areso extremely amiable (when found) in that sex which tenderness mostexquisitely becomes. Her countenance displayed all the cheerfulness, thegood-nature, and the modesty, which diffuse such brightness round thebeauty of Seraphina, [5] awing every beholder with respect, and, at thesame time, ravishing him with admiration. Had it not been indeed forour conversation on the small-pox, I should have imagined we had beenhonored with her identical presence. This opinion might have beenheightened by the good sense she uttered whenever she spoke, by thedelicacy of her sentiments, and the complacence of her behavior, together with a certain dignity which attended every look, word, andgesture; qualities which could not fail making an impression on a heart[6] so capable of receiving it as mine, nor was she long in raising inme a very violent degree of seraphic love. I do not intend by this, thatsort of love which men are very properly said to make to women in thelower world, and which seldom lasts any longer than while it ismaking. I mean by seraphic love an extreme delicacy and tenderness offriendship, of which, my worthy reader, if thou hast no conception, asit is probable thou mayest not, my endeavor to instruct thee would be asfruitless as it would be to explain the most difficult problems of SirIsaac Newton to one ignorant of vulgar arithmetic. 

To return therefore to matters comprehensible by all understandings:the discourse now turned on the vanity, folly, and misery of the lowerworld, from which every passenger in the coach expressed the highestsatisfaction in being delivered; though it was very remarkable that, notwithstanding the joy we declared at our death, there was not one ofus who did not mention the accident which occasioned it as a thing wewould have avoided if we could. Nay, the very grave lady herself, whowas the forwardest in testifying her delight, confessed inadvertentlythat she left a physician by her bedside; and the gentleman who diedof honor very liberally cursed both his folly and his fencing. Whilewe were entertaining ourselves with these matters, on a sudden a mostoffensive smell began to invade our nostrils. This very much resembledthe savor which travelers in summer perceive at their approach to thatbeautiful village of the Hague, arising from those delicious canalswhich, as they consist of standing water, do at that time emit odorsgreatly agreeable to a Dutch taste, but not so pleasant to any other. Those perfumes, with the assistance of a fair wind, begin to affectpersons of quick olfactory nerves at a league's distance, and increasegradually as you approach. In the same manner did the smell I have justmentioned, more and more invade us, till one of the spirits, looking outof the coach-window, declared we were just arrived at a very largecity; and indeed he had scarce said so before we found ourselves in thesuburbs, and, at the same time, the coachman, being asked by another, informed us that the name of this place was the City of Diseases. Theroad to it was extremely smooth, and, excepting the above-mentionedsavor, delightfully pleasant. The streets of the suburbs were linedwith bagnios, taverns, and cooks' shops: in the first we saw severalbeautiful women, but in tawdry dresses, looking out at the windows; andin the latter were visibly exposed all kinds of the richest dainties;but on our entering the city we found, contrary to all we had seen inthe other world, that the suburbs were infinitely pleasanter than thecity itself. It was indeed a very dull, dark, and melancholy place. Fewpeople appeared in the streets, and these, for the most part, were oldwomen, and here and there a formal grave gentleman, who seemed to bethinking, with large tie-wigs on, and amber-headed canes in their hands. We were all in hopes that our vehicle would not stop here; but, to oursorrow, the coach soon drove into an inn, and we were obliged to alight. 

CHAPTER III

 The adventures we met with in the City of Diseases. 

We had not been long arrived in our inn, where it seems we were to spendthe remainder of the day, before our host acquainted us that it wascustomary for all spirits, in their passage through that city, to paytheir respects to that lady Disease, to whose assistance they had owedtheir deliverance from the lower world. We answered we should notfail in any complacence which was usual to others; upon which our hostreplied he would immediately send porters to conduct us. He had not longquitted the room before we were attended by some of those grave personswhom I have before described in large tie-wigs with amber-headed canes. These gentlemen are the ticket-porters in the city, and their canes arethe insignia, or tickets, denoting their office. We informed them ofthe several ladies to whom we were obliged, and were preparing to followthem, when on a sudden they all stared at one another, and left us ina hurry, with a frown on every countenance. We were surprised at thisbehavior, and presently summoned the host, who was no sooner acquaintedwith it than he burst into an hearty laugh, and told us the reason was, because we did not fee the gentlemen the moment they came in, accordingto the custom of the place. We answered, with some confusion, we hadbrought nothing with us from the other world, which we had been all ourlives informed was not lawful to do. "No, no, master, " replied the host;"I am apprised of that, and indeed it was my fault. I should have firstsent you to my lord Scrape, [7] who would have supplied you with whatyou want. " "My lord Scrape supply us!" said I, with astonishment: "sureyou must know we cannot give him security; and I am convinced he neverlent a shilling without it in his life. " "No, sir, " answered the host, "and for that reason he is obliged to do it here, where he is sentencedto keep a bank, and to distribute money gratis to all passengers. Thisbank originally consisted of just that sum, which he had miserablyhoarded up in the other world, and he is to perceive it decrease visiblyone shilling a-day, till it is totally exhausted; after which he is toreturn to the other world, and perform the part of a miser for seventyyears; then, being purified in the body of a hog, he is to enter thehuman species again, and take a second trial. " "Sir, " said I, "you tellme wonders: but if his bank be to decrease only a shilling a day, howcan he furnish all passengers?" "The rest, " answered the host, "issupplied again; but in a manner which I cannot easily explain to you. ""I apprehend, " said I, "this distribution of his money is inflicted onhim as a punishment; but I do not see how it can answer that end, whenhe knows it is to be restored to him again. Would it not serve thepurpose as well if he parted only with the single shilling, which itseems is all he is really to lose?" "Sir, " cries the host, "when youobserve the agonies with which he parts with every guinea, you willbe of another opinion. No prisoner condemned to death ever begged soheartily for transportation as he, when he received his sentence, didto go to hell, provided he might carry his money with him. But you willknow more of these things when you arrive at the upper world; and now, if you please, I will attend you to my lord's, who is obliged to supplyyou with whatever you desire. "

We found his lordship sitting at the upper end of a table, on which wasan immense sum of money, disposed in several heaps, every one of whichwould have purchased the honor of some patriots and the chastity ofsome prudes. The moment he saw us he turned pale, and sighed, as wellapprehending our business. Mine host accosted him with a familiar air, which at first surprised me, who so well remembered the respect I hadformerly seen paid this lord by men infinitely superior in quality tothe person who now saluted him in the following manner: "Here, you lord, and be dam--d to your little sneaking soul, tell out your money, andsupply your betters with what they want. Be quick, sirrah, or I'll fetchthe beadle to you. Don't fancy yourself in the lower world again, withyour privilege at your a--. " He then shook a cane at his lordship, whoimmediately began to tell out his money, with the same miserable airand face which the miser on our stage wears while he delivers hisbank-bills. This affected some of us so much that we had certainlyreturned with no more than what would have been sufficient to fee theporters, had not our host, perceiving our compassion, begged us not tospare a fellow who, in the midst of immense wealth, had always refusedthe least contribution to charity. Our hearts were hardened with thisreflection, and we all filled our pockets with his money. I remarked apoetical spirit, in particular, who swore he would have a hearty gripeat him: "For, " says he, "the rascal not only refused to subscribe tomy works, but sent back my letter unanswered, though I am a bettergentleman than himself. " We now returned from this miserable object, greatly admiring the propriety as well as justice of his punishment, which consisted, as our host informed us, merely in the delivering forthhis money; and, he observed, we could not wonder at the pain this gavehim, since it was as reasonable that the bare parting with money shouldmake him miserable as that the bare having money without using it shouldhave made him happy. Other tie-wig porters (for those we had summonedbefore refused to visit us again) now attended us; and we having fee'dthem the instant they entered the room, according to the instructions ofour host, they bowed and smiled, and offered to introduce us to whateverdisease we pleased. 

We set out several ways, as we were all to pay our respects to differentladies. I directed my porter to show me to the Fever on the Spirits, being the disease which had delivered me from the flesh. My guide and Itraversed many streets, and knocked at several doors, but to no purpose. At one, we were told, lived the Consumption; at another, the MaladieAlamode, a French lady; at the third, the Dropsy; at the fourth, theRheumatism; at the fifth, Intemperance; at the sixth, Misfortune. I wastired, and had exhausted my patience, and almost my purse; for I gave myporter a new fee at every blunder he made: when my guide, with a solemncountenance, told me he could do no more; and marched off without anyfarther ceremony. 

He was no sooner gone than I met another gentleman with a ticket, i. E. , an amber-headed cane in his hand. I first fee'd him, and then acquaintedhim with the name of the disease. He cast himself for two or threeminutes into a thoughtful posture, then pulled a piece of paper outof his pocket, on which he wrote something in one of the Orientallanguages, I believe, for I could not read a syllable: he bade me carryit to such a particular shop, and, telling me it would do my business, he took his leave. 

Secure, as I now thought myself, of my direction, I went to the shop, which very much resembled an apothecary's. The person who officiated, having read the paper, took down about twenty different jars, and, pouring something out of every one of them, made a mixture, which hedelivered to me in a bottle, having first tied a paper round the neckof it, on which were written three or four words, the last containingeleven syllables. I mentioned the name of the disease I wanted tofind out, but received no other answer than that he had done as he wasordered, and the drugs were excellent. I began now to be enraged, and, quitting the shop with some anger in my countenance, I intended to findout my inn, but, meeting in the way a porter whose countenance had in itsomething more pleasing than ordinary, I resolved to try once more, andclapped a fee into his hand. As soon as I mentioned the disease to himhe laughed heartily, and told me I had been imposed on, for in realityno such disease was to be found in that city. He then inquired into theparticulars of my case, and was no sooner acquainted with them than heinformed me that the Maladie Alamode was the lady to whom I was obliged. I thanked him, and immediately went to pay my respects to her. Thehouse, or rather palace, of this lady was one of the most beautifuland magnificent in the city. The avenue to it was planted with sycamoretrees, with beds of flowers on each side; it was extremely pleasant butshort. I was conducted through a magnificent hall, adorned with severalstatues and bustoes, most of them maimed, whence I concluded them allto be true antiques; but was informed they were the figures of severalmodern heroes, who had died martyrs to her ladyship's cause. I nextmounted through a large painted staircase, where several persons weredepicted in caricatura; and, upon inquiry, was told they were theportraits of those who had distinguished themselves against the ladyin the lower world. I suppose I should have known the faces of manyphysicians and surgeons, had they not been so violently distorted bythe painter. Indeed, he had exerted so much malice in his work, that Ibelieve he had himself received some particular favors from the lady ofthis mansion: it is difficult to conceive a group of stranger figures. Ithen entered a long room, hung round with the pictures of women of suchexact shapes and features that I should have thought myself in a galleryof beauties, had not a certain sallow paleness in their complexionsgiven me a more distasteful idea. Through this I proceeded to a secondapartment, adorned, if I may so call it, with the figures of old ladies. Upon my seeming to admire at this furniture, the servant told me witha smile that these had been very good friends of his lady, and had doneher eminent service in the lower world. I immediately recollected thefaces of one or two of my acquaintance, who had formerly kept bagnios;but was very much surprised to see the resemblance of a lady of greatdistinction in such company. The servant, upon my mentioning this, madeno other answer than that his lady had pictures of all degrees. I wasnow introduced into the presence of the lady herself. She was a thin, orrather meager, person, very wan in the countenance, had no nose and manypimples in her face. She offered to rise at my entrance, but could notstand. After many compliments, much congratulation on her side, andthe most fervent expressions of gratitude on mine, she asked me manyquestions concerning the situation of her affairs in the lower world;most of which I answered to her entire satisfaction. At last, witha kind of forced smile, she said, "I suppose the pill and drop go onswimmingly?" I told her they were reported to have done great cures. She replied she could apprehend no danger from any person who was notof regular practice; "for, however simple mankind are, " said she, "orhowever afraid they are of death, they prefer dying in a regular mannerto being cured by a nostrum. " She then expressed great pleasure at theaccount I gave her of the beau monde. She said she had herself removedthe hundreds of Drury to the hundreds of Charing-cross, and was verymuch delighted to find they had spread into St. James's; that sheimputed this chiefly to several of her dear and worthy friends, who hadlately published their excellent works, endeavoring to extirpate allnotions of religion and virtue; and particularly to the deserving authorof the Bachelor's Estimate; "to whom, " said she, "if I had not reason tothink he was a surgeon, and had therefore written from mercenary views, I could never sufficiently own my obligations. " She spoke likewisegreatly in approbation of the method, so generally used by parents, ofmarrying children very young, and without the least affection betweenthe parties; and concluded by saying that, if these fashions continuedto spread, she doubted not but she should shortly be the only diseasewho would ever receive a visit from any person of considerable rank. 

While we were discoursing her three daughters entered the room. Theywere all called by hard names; the eldest was named Lepra, the secondChaeras, and the third Scorbutia. [8] They were all genteel, but ugly. I could not help observing the little respect they paid their parent, which the old lady remarking in my countenance, as soon as they quittedthe room, which soon happened, acquainted me with her unhappiness in heroffspring, every one of which had the confidence to deny themselves tobe her children, though she said she had been a very indulgent motherand had plentifully provided for them all. As family complaintsgenerally as much tire the hearer as they relieve him who makes them, when I found her launching farther into this subject I resolved to putan end to my visit, and, taking my leave with many thanks for thefavor she had done me, I returned to the inn, where I found myfellow-travelers just mounting into their vehicle. I shook hands withmy host and accompanied them into the coach, which immediately afterproceeded on its journey. 

CHAPTER IV

 Discourses on the road, and a description of the palace of Death. 

We were all silent for some minutes, till, being well shaken into ourseveral seats, I opened my mouth first, and related what had happened tome after our separation in the city we had just left. 

The rest of the company, except the grave female spirit whom our readermay remember to have refused giving an account of the distemper whichoccasioned her dissolution, did the same. It might be tedious to relatethese at large; we shall therefore only mention a very remarkableinveteracy which the Surfeit declared to all the other diseases, especially to the Fever, who, she said, by the roguery of the porters, received acknowledgments from numberless passengers which were due toherself. "Indeed, " says she, "those cane-headed fellows" (for so shecalled them, alluding, I suppose, to their ticket) "are constantlymaking such mistakes; there is no gratitude in those fellows; for Iam sure they have greater obligations to me than to any other disease, except the Vapors. " These relations were no sooner over than one of thecompany informed us we were approaching to the most noble building hehad ever beheld, and which we learned from our coachman was the palaceof Death. Its outside, indeed, appeared extremely magnificent. Itsstructure was of the Gothic order; vast beyond imagination, thewhole pile consisting of black marble. Rows of immense yews form anamphitheater round it of such height and thickness that no ray of thesun ever perforates this grove, where black eternal darkness would reignwas it not excluded by innumerable lamps which are placed in pyramidsround the grove; so that the distant reflection they cast on the palace, which is plentifully gilt with gold on the outside, is inconceivablysolemn. To this I may add the hollow murmur of winds constantly heardfrom the grove, and the very remote sound of roaring waters. Indeed, every circumstance seems to conspire to fill the mind with horror andconsternation as we approach to this palace, which we had scarce timeto admire before our vehicle stopped at the gate, and we were desiredto alight in order to pay our respects to his most mortal majesty (thisbeing the title which it seems he assumes). The outward court was fullof soldiers, and, indeed, the whole very much resembled the state of anearthly monarch, only more magnificent. We passed through several courtsinto a vast hall, which led to a spacious staircase, at the bottom ofwhich stood two pages, with very grave countenances, whom I recollectedafterwards to have formerly been very eminent undertakers, and were inreality the only dismal faces I saw here; for this palace, so awful andtremendous without, is all gay and sprightly within; so that we soonlost all those dismal and gloomy ideas we had contracted in approachingit. Indeed, the still silence maintained among the guards and attendantsresembled rather the stately pomp of eastern courts; but there was onevery face such symptoms of content and happiness that diffused an airof cheerfulness all round. We ascended the staircase and passedthrough many noble apartments whose walls were adorned with variousbattle-pieces in tapistry, and which we spent some time in observing. These brought to my mind those beautiful ones I had in my lifetime seenat Blenheim, nor could I prevent my curiosity from inquiring wherethe Duke of Marlborough's victories were placed (for I think they werealmost the only battles of any eminence I had read of which I did notmeet with); when the skeleton of a beef-eater, shaking his head, told mea certain gentleman, one Lewis XIV, who had great interest with hismost mortal majesty, had prevented any such from being hung up there. "Besides, " says he, "his majesty hath no great respect for that duke, for he never sent him a subject he could keep from him, nor did he everget a single subject by his means but he lost 1000 others for him. " Wefound the presence-chamber at our entrance very full, and a buzz ranthrough it, as in all assemblies, before the principal figure enters;for his majesty was not yet come out. At the bottom of the room were twopersons in close conference, one with a square black cap on his head, and the other with a robe embroidered with flames of fire. These, I wasinformed, were a judge long since dead, and an inquisitor-general. Ioverheard them disputing with great eagerness whether the one had hangedor the other burned the most. While I was listening to this dispute, which seemed to be in no likelihood of a speedy decision, the emperorentered the room and placed himself between two figures, one of whichwas remarkable for the roughness, and the other for the beauty of hisappearance. These were, it seems, Charles XII of Sweden and Alexander ofMacedon. I was at too great a distance to hear any of the conversation, so could only satisfy my curiosity by contemplating the severalpersonages present, of whose names I informed myself by a page, wholooked as pale and meager as any court-page in the other world, but wassomewhat more modest. He showed me here two or three Turkish emperors, to whom his most mortal majesty seemed to express much civility. Herewere likewise several of the Roman emperors, among whom none seemed somuch caressed as Caligula, on account, as the page told me, of his piouswish that he could send all the Romans hither at one blow. The readermay be perhaps surprised that I saw no physicians here; as indeed Iwas myself, till informed that they were all departed to the cityof Diseases, where they were busy in an experiment to purge away theimmortality of the soul. 

It would be tedious to recollect the many individuals I saw here, butI cannot omit a fat figure, well dressed in the French fashion, whowas received with extraordinary complacence by the emperor, and whom Iimagined to be Lewis XIV himself; but the page acquainted me he wasa celebrated French cook. We were at length introduced to the royalpresence, and had the honor to kiss hands. His majesty asked us a fewquestions, not very material to relate, and soon after retired. When wereturned into the yard we found our caravan ready to set out, at whichwe all declared ourselves well pleased; for we were sufficiently tiredwith the formality of a court, notwithstanding its outward splendor andmagnificence. 

CHAPTER V

 The travelers proceed on their journey, and meet several spirits who are coming into the flesh. 

We now came to the banks of the great river Cocytus, where we quittedour vehicle, and passed the water in a boat, after which we were obligedto travel on foot the rest of our journey; and now we met, for thefirst time, several passengers traveling to the world we had left, whoinformed us they were souls going into the flesh. 

The two first we met were walking arm-in-arm, in very close and friendlyconference; they informed us that one of them was intended for a duke, and the other for a hackney-coachman. As we had not yet arrived at theplace where we were to deposit our passions, we were all surprisedat the familiarity which subsisted between persons of such differentdegrees; nor could the grave lady help expressing her astonishmentat it. The future coachman then replied, with a laugh, that they hadexchanged lots; for that the duke had with his dukedom drawn a shrew fora wife, and the coachman only a single state. 

As we proceeded on our journey we met a solemn spirit walking alonewith great gravity in his countenance: our curiosity invited us, notwithstanding his reserve, to ask what lot he had drawn. 

He answered, with a smile, he was to have the reputation of a wise manwith L100, 000 in his pocket, and was practicing the solemnity which hewas to act in the other world. A little farther we met a company of verymerry spirits, whom we imagined by their mirth to have drawn some mightylot, but, on inquiry, they informed us they were to be beggars. 

The farther we advanced, the greater numbers we met; and now wediscovered two large roads leading different ways, and of very differentappearance; the one all craggy with rocks, full as it seemed of boggygrounds, and everywhere beset with briars, so that it was impossible topass through it without the utmost danger and difficulty; the other, themost delightful imaginable, leading through the most verdant meadows, painted and perfumed with all kinds of beautiful flowers; in short, the most wanton imagination could imagine nothing more lovely. Notwithstanding which, we were surprised to see great numbers crowdinginto the former, and only one or two solitary spirits choosing thelatter. 

On inquiry, we were acquainted that the bad road was the way togreatness, and the other to goodness. When we expressed our surprise atthe preference given to the former we were acquainted that it was chosenfor the sake of the music of drums and trumpets, and the perpetualacclamations of the mob, with which those who traveled this way wereconstantly saluted. We were told likewise that there were several noblepalaces to be seen, and lodged in, on this road, by those who had passedthrough the difficulties of it (which indeed many were not able tosurmount), and great quantities of all sorts of treasure to be found init; whereas the other had little inviting more than the beauty of theway, scarce a handsome building, save one greatly resembling a certainhouse by the Bath, to be seen during that whole journey; and, lastly, that it was thought very scandalous and mean-spirited to travel throughthis, and as highly honorable and noble to pass by the other. We nowheard a violent noise, when, casting our eyes forwards, we perceived avast number of spirits advancing in pursuit of one whom they mockedand insulted with all kinds of scorn. I cannot give my reader a moreadequate idea of this scene than by comparing it to an English mobconducting a pickpocket to the water; or by supposing that an incensedaudience at a playhouse had unhappily possessed themselves of themiserable damned poet. Some laughed, some hissed, some squalled, somegroaned, some bawled, some spit at him, some threw dirt at him. It wasimpossible not to ask who or what the wretched spirit was whom theytreated in this barbarous manner; when, to our great surprise, we wereinformed that it was a king: we were likewise told that this mannerof behavior was usual among the spirits to those who drew the lots ofemperors, kings, and other great men, not from envy or anger, but merederision and contempt of earthly grandeur; that nothing was more commonthan for those who had drawn these great prizes (as to us they seemed)to exchange them with tailors and cobblers; and that Alexander theGreat and Diogenes had formerly done so; he that was afterwards Diogeneshaving originally fallen on the lot of Alexander. And now, on a sudden, the mockery ceased, and the king-spirit, having obtained a hearing, began to speak as follows; for we were now near enough to hear himdistinctly:--

"GENTLEMEN, --I am justly surprised at your treating me in this manner, since whatever lot I have drawn, I did not choose: if, therefore, itbe worthy of derision, you should compassionate me, for it might havefallen to any of your shares. I know in how low a light the station towhich fate hath assigned me is considered here, and that, when ambitiondoth not support it, it becomes generally so intolerable, that thereis scarce any other condition for which it is not gladly exchanged: forwhat portion, in the world to which we are going, is so miserable asthat of care? Should I therefore consider myself as become by this lotessentially your superior, and of a higher order of being than the restof my fellow-creatures; should I foolishly imagine myself without wisdomsuperior to the wise, without knowledge to the learned, without courageto the brave, and without goodness and virtue to the good and virtuous;surely so preposterous, so absurd a pride, would justly render me theobject of ridicule. But far be it from me to entertain it. And yet, gentlemen, I prize the lot I have drawn, nor would I exchange it withany of yours, seeing it is in my eye so much greater than the rest. Ambition, which I own myself possessed of, teaches me this; ambition, which makes me covet praise, assures me that I shall enjoy a much largerproportion of it than can fall within your power either to deserve orobtain. I am then superior to you all, when I am able to do more good, and when I execute that power. What the father is to the son, theguardian to the orphan, or the patron to his client, that am I to you. You are my children, to whom I will be a father, a guardian, and apatron. Not one evening in my long reign (for so it is to be) willI repose myself to rest without the glorious, the heart-warmingconsideration, that thousands that night owe their sweetest rest to me. What a delicious fortune is it to him whose strongest appetite is doinggood, to have every day the opportunity and the power of satisfying it!If such a man hath ambition, how happy is it for him to be seated so onhigh, that every act blazes abroad, and attracts to him praises taintedwith neither sarcasm nor adulation, but such as the nicest and mostdelicate mind may relish! Thus, therefore, while you derive your goodfrom me, I am your superior. If to my strict distribution of justiceyou owe the safety of your property from domestic enemies; if by myvigilance and valor you are protected from foreign foes; if by myencouragement of genuine industry, every science, every art which canembellish or sweeten life, is produced and flourishes among you; willany of you be so insensible or ungrateful as to deny praise and respectto him by whose care and conduct you enjoy these blessings? I wonder notat the censure which so frequently falls on those in my station; but Iwonder that those in my station so frequently deserve it. What strangeperverseness of nature! What wanton delight in mischief must taint hiscomposition, who prefers dangers, difficulty, and disgrace, by doingevil, to safety, ease, and honor, by doing good! who refuses happinessin the other world, and heaven in this, for misery there and hell here!But, be assured, my intentions are different. I shall always endeavorthe ease, the happiness, and the glory of my people, being confidentthat, by so doing, I take the most certain method of procuring themall to myself. "--He then struck directly into the road of goodness, and received such a shout of applause as I never remember to haveheard equaled. He was gone a little way when a spirit limped after him, swearing he would fetch him back. 

This spirit, I was presently informed, was one who had drawn the lot ofhis prime minister. 

CHAPTER VI

 An account of the wheel of fortune, with a method of preparing a spirit for this world. 

We now proceeded on our journey, without staying to see whether hefulfilled his word or no; and without encountering anything worthmentioning, came to the place where the spirits on their passage to theother world were obliged to decide by lot the station in which everyone was to act there. Here was a monstrous wheel, infinitely larger thanthose in which I had formerly seen lottery-tickets deposited. This wascalled the WHEEL OF FORTUNE. 

The goddess herself was present. She was one of the most deformedfemales I ever beheld; nor could I help observing the frowns sheexpressed when any beautiful spirit of her own sex passed by her, northe affability which smiled in her countenance on the approach of anyhandsome male spirits. Hence I accounted for the truth of an observationI had often made on earth, that nothing is more fortunate than handsomemen, nor more unfortunate than handsome women. The reader may be perhapspleased with an account of the whole method of equipping a spirit forhis entrance into the flesh. 

First, then, he receives from a very sage person, whose look muchresembled that of an apothecary (his warehouse likewise bearing anaffinity to an apothecary's shop), a small phial inscribed, THE PATHETICPOTION, to be taken just before you are born. This potion is a mixtureof all the passions, but in no exact proportion, so that sometimes onepredominates, and sometimes another; nay, often in the hurry of makingup, one particular ingredient is, as we were informed, left out. Thespirit receiveth at the same time another medicine called the NOUSPHORICDECOCTION, of which he is to drink ad libitum. This decoction is anextract from the faculties of the mind, sometimes extremely strong andspirituous, and sometimes altogether as weak; for very little care istaken in the preparation. This decoction is so extremely bitter andunpleasant, that, notwithstanding its wholesomeness, several spiritswill not be persuaded to swallow a drop of it, but throw it away, orgive it to any other who will receive it; by which means some who werenot disgusted by the nauseousness drank double and treble portions. I observed a beautiful young female, who, tasting it immediately fromcuriosity, screwed up her face and cast it from her with great disdain, whence advancing presently to the wheel, she drew a coronet, whichshe clapped up so eagerly that I could not distinguish the degree; andindeed I observed several of the same sex, after a very small sip, throwthe bottles away. As soon as the spirit is dismissed by the operator, or apothecary, he is at liberty to approach the wheel, where he hath aright to extract a single lot: but those whom Fortune favors she permitssometimes secretly to draw three or four. I observed a comical kind offigure who drew forth a handful, which, when he opened, were a bishop, a general, a privy-counselor, a player, and a poet-laureate, and, returning the three first, he walked off, smiling, with the two last. Every single lot contained two more articles, which were generallydisposed so as to render the lots as equal as possible to each other; onone was written, EARL, RICHES, HEALTH, DISQUIETUDE; on another, COBLER, SICKNESS, GOOD-HUMOR; on a third, POET, CONTEMPT, SELF-SATISFACTION; ona fourth, GENERAL, HONOR, DISCONTENT; on a fifth, COTTAGE, HAPPY LOVE;on a sixth, COACH AND SIX, IMPOTENT JEALOUS HUSBAND; on a seventh, PRIME MINISTER, DISGRACE; on an eighth, PATRIOT, GLORY; on a ninth, PHILOSOPHER, POVERTY, EASE; on a tenth, MERCHANT, RICHES, CARE. Andindeed the whole seemed to contain such a mixture of good and evil, thatit would have puzzled me which to choose. I must not omit here thatin every lot was directed whether the drawer should marry or remain incelibacy, the married lots being all marked with a large pair of horns. We were obliged, before we quitted this place, to take each of us anemetic from the apothecary, which immediately purged us of all ourearthly passions, and presently the cloud forsook our eyes, as it doththose of Aeneas in Virgil, when removed by Venus; and we discernedthings in a much clearer light than before. We began to compassionatethose spirits who were making their entry into the flesh, whom we hadtill then secretly envied, and to long eagerly for those delightfulplains which now opened themselves to our eyes, and to which we nowhastened with the utmost eagerness. On our way we met with severalspirits with very dejected countenances; but our expedition would notsuffer us to ask any questions. At length we arrived at the gate ofElysium. Here was a prodigious crowd of spirits waiting for admittance, some of whom were admitted, and some were rejected; for all werestrictly examined by the porter, whom I soon discovered to be thecelebrated judge Minos. 

CHAPTER VII

 The proceedings of judge Minos at the gate of Elysium. 

I now got near enough to the gate to hear the several claims of thosewho endeavored to pass. The first among other pretensions, set forththat he had been very liberal to an hospital; but Minos answered, "Ostentation, " and repulsed him. The second exhibited that he hadconstantly frequented his church, been a rigid observer of fast-days: helikewise represented the great animosity he had shown to vice in others, which never escaped his severest censure; and as to his own behavior, hehad never been once guilty of whoring, drinking, gluttony, or any otherexcess. He said he had disinherited his son for getting a bastard. "Haveyou so?" said Minos; "then pray return into the other world and begetanother; for such an unnatural rascal shall never pass this gate. " Adozen others, who had advanced with very confident countenances, seeinghim rejected, turned about of their own accord, declaring, if he couldnot pass, they had no expectation, and accordingly they followed himback to earth; which was the fate of all who were repulsed, they beingobliged to take a further purification, unless those who were guiltyof some very heinous crimes, who were hustled in at a little back gate, whence they tumbled immediately into the bottomless pit. 

The next spirit that came up declared he had done neither good nor evilin the world; for that since his arrival at man's estate he had spenthis whole time in search of curiosities; and particularly in the studyof butterflies, of which he had collected an immense number. Minos madehim no answer, but with great scorn pushed him back. There now advanceda very beautiful spirit indeed. She began to ogle Minos the moment shesaw him. She said she hoped there was some merit in refusing a greatnumber of lovers, and dying a maid, though she had had the choice ofa hundred. Minos told her she had not refused enow yet, and turned herback. 

She was succeeded by a spirit who told the judge he believed his workswould speak for him. "What works?" answered Minos. "My dramatic works, "replied the other, "which have done so much good in recommending virtueand punishing vice. " "Very well, " said the judge; "if you please tostand by, the first person who passes the gate by your means shallcarry you in with him; but, if you will take my advice, I think, forexpedition sake, you had better return, and live another life uponearth. " The bard grumbled at this, and replied that, besides hispoetical works, he had done some other good things: for that he had oncelent the whole profits of a benefit-night to a friend, and by that meanshad saved him and his family from destruction. Upon this the gate flewopen, and Minos desired him to walk in, telling him, if he had mentionedthis at first, he might have spared the remembrance of his plays. Thepoet answered, he believed, if Minos had read his works, he would set ahigher value on them. He was then beginning to repeat, but Minos pushedhim forward, and, turning his back to him, applied himself to the nextpassenger, a very genteel spirit, who made a very low bow to Minos, andthen threw himself into an erect attitude, and imitated the motion oftaking snuff with his right hand. Minos asked him what he had to sayfor himself. He answered, he would dance a minuet with any spirit inElysium: that he could likewise perform all his other exercises verywell, and hoped he had in his life deserved the character of a perfectfine gentleman. Minos replied it would be great pity to rob the world ofso fine a gentleman, and therefore desired him to take the other trip. The beau bowed, thanked the judge, and said he desired no better. 

Several spirits expressed much astonishment at this his satisfaction;but we were afterwards informed he had not taken the emetic abovementioned. 

A miserable old spirit now crawled forwards, whose face I thought I hadformerly seen near Westminster Abbey. He entertained Minos with a longharangue of what he had done when in the HOUSE; and then proceeded toinform him how much he was worth, without attempting to produce asingle instance of any one good action. Minos stopped the career of hisdiscourse, and acquainted him he must take a trip back again. 

"What! to S---- house?" said the spirit in an ecstasy; but the judge, without making him any answer, turned to another, who with a verysolemn air and great dignity, acquainted him he was a duke. "To theright-about, Mr. Duke, " cried Minos, "you are infinitely too great aman for Elysium;" and then, giving him a kick on the b--ch, he addressedhimself to a spirit who, with fear and trembling, begged he might notgo to the bottomless pit: he said he hoped Minos would consider that, though he had gone astray, he had suffered for it--that it was necessitywhich drove him to the robbery of eighteenpence, which he had committed, and for which he was hanged--that he had done some good actions in hislife--that he had supported an aged parent with his labor--that he hadbeen a very tender husband and a kind father--and that he had ruinedhimself by being bail for his friend. At which words the gate opened, and Minos bade him enter, giving him a slap on the back as he passed byhim. A great number of spirits now came forwards, who all declaredthey had the same claim, and that the captain should speak for them. He acquainted the judge that they had been all slain in the service oftheir country. Minos was going to admit them, but had the curiosity toask who had been the invader, in order, as he said, to prepare theback gate for him. The captain answered they had been the invadersthemselves--that they had entered the enemy's country, and burned andplundered several cities. "And for what reason?" said Minos. "By thecommand of him who paid us, " said the captain; "that is the reason of asoldier. We are to execute whatever we are commanded, or we should be adisgrace to the army, and very little deserve our pay. " "You are bravefellows indeed, " said Minos; "but be pleased to face about, and obey mycommand for once, in returning back to the other world: for what shouldsuch fellows as you do where there are no cities to be burned, norpeople to be destroyed? But let me advise you to have a stricter regardto truth for the future, and not call the depopulating other countriesthe service of your own. " The captain answered, in a rage, "D--n me! doyou give me the lie?" and was going to take Minos by the nose hadnot his guards prevented him, and immediately turned him and all hisfollowers back the same road they came. 

Four spirits informed the judge that they had been starved to deaththrough poverty--being the father, mother, and two children; thatthey had been honest and as industrious as possible, till sickness hadprevented the man from labor. "All that is very true, " cried a gravespirit who stood by. "I know the fact; for these poor people were undermy cure. " "You was, I suppose, the parson of the parish, " cries Minos;"I hope you had a good living, sir. " "That was but a small one, " repliedthe spirit; "but I had another a little better. "--"Very well, " saidMinos; "let the poor people pass. " At which the parson was steppingforwards with a stately gait before them; but Minos caught hold of himand pulled him back, saying, "Not so fast, doctor--you must take onestep more into the other world first; for no man enters that gatewithout charity. " A very stately figure now presented himself, and, informing Minos he was a patriot, began a very florid harangue on publicvirtue and the liberties of his country. Upon which Minos showed him theutmost respect, and ordered the gate to be opened. The patriot was notcontented with this applause; he said he had behaved as well in placeas he had done in the opposition; and that, though he was now obligedto embrace the court measures, yet he had behaved very honestly to hisfriends, and brought as many in as was possible. "Hold a moment, " saysMinos: "on second consideration, Mr. Patriot, I think a man of yourgreat virtue and abilities will be so much missed by your country, that, if I might advise you, you should take a journey back again. I amsure you will not decline it; for I am certain you will, with greatreadiness, sacrifice your own happiness to the public good. " The patriotsmiled, and told Minos he believed he was in jest; and was offering toenter the gate, but the judge laid fast hold of him and insisted on hisreturn, which the patriot still declining, he at last ordered his guardsto seize him and conduct him back. 

A spirit now advanced, and the gate was immediately thrown open to himbefore he had spoken a word. I heard some whisper, "That is our lastlord mayor. "

It now came to our company's turn. The fair spirit which I mentionedwith so much applause in the beginning of my journey passed through veryeasily; but the grave lady was rejected on her first appearance, Minosdeclaring there was not a single prude in Elysium. 

The judge then addressed himself to me, who little expected to pass thisfiery trial. I confessed I had indulged myself very freely with wine andwomen in my youth, but had never done an injury to any man living, noravoided an opportunity of doing good; that I pretended to very littlevirtue more than general philanthropy and private friendship. I wasproceeding, when Minos bade me enter the gate, and not indulge myselfwith trumpeting forth my virtues. I accordingly passed forward with mylovely companion, and, embracing her with vast eagerness, but spiritualinnocence, she returned my embrace in the same manner, and we bothcongratulated ourselves on our arrival in this happy region, whosebeauty no painting of the imagination can describe. 

CHAPTER VIII

 The adventures which the author met on his first entrance into Elysium. 

We pursued our way through a delicious grove of orange-trees, where Isaw infinite numbers of spirits, every one of whom I knew, and was knownby them (for spirits here know one another by intuition). I presentlymet a little daughter whom I had lost several years before. Good gods!what words can describe the raptures, the melting passionate tenderness, with which we kissed each other, continuing in our embrace, with themost ecstatic joy, a space which, if time had been measured here as onearth, could not be less than half a year. 

The first spirit with whom I entered into discourse was the famousLeonidas of Sparta. I acquainted him with the honors which had been donehim by a celebrated poet of our nation; to which he answered he was verymuch obliged to him. We were presently afterwards entertained with themost delicious voice I had ever heard, accompanied by a violin, equal toSignior Piantinida. I presently discovered the musician and songster tobe Orpheus and Sappho. 

Old Homer was present at this concert (if I may so call it), and MadamDacier sat in his lap. He asked much after Mr. Pope, and said he wasvery desirous of seeing him; for that he had read his Iliad in histranslation with almost as much delight as he believed he had givenothers in the original. I had the curiosity to inquire whether he hadreally writ that poem in detached pieces, and sung it about as balladsall over Greece, according to the report which went of him. He smiled atmy question, and asked me whether there appeared any connection inthe poem; for if there did he thought I might answer myself. I thenimportuned him to acquaint me in which of the cities which contended forthe honor of his birth he was really born? To which he answered, "Uponmy soul I can't tell. "

Virgil then came up to me, with Mr. Addison under his arm. "Well, sir, "said he, "how many translations have these few last years produced ofmy Aeneid?" I told him I believed several, but I could not possiblyremember; for that I had never read any but Dr. Trapp's. "Ay, " saidhe, "that is a curious piece indeed!" I then acquainted him with thediscovery made by Mr. Warburton of the Elusinian mysteries couched inhis sixth book. "What mysteries?" said Mr. Addison. "The Elusinian, "answered Virgil, "which I have disclosed in my sixth book. " "How!"replied Addison. "You never mentioned a word of any such mysteries tome in all our acquaintance. " "I thought it was unnecessary, " cried theother, "to a man of your infinite learning: besides, you always toldme you perfectly understood my meaning. " Upon this I thought the criticlooked a little out of countenance, and turned aside to a very merryspirit, one Dick Steele, who embraced him, and told him he had been thegreatest man upon earth; that he readily resigned up all the merit ofhis own works to him. Upon which Addison gave him a gracious smile, and, clapping him on the back with much solemnity, cried out, "Well said, Dick!"

I then observed Shakespeare standing between Betterton and Booth, anddeciding a difference between those two great actors concerning theplacing an accent in one of his lines: this was disputed on both sideswith a warmth which surprised me in Elysium, till I discovered byintuition that every soul retained its principal characteristic, being, indeed, its very essence. The line was that celebrated one in Othello--

PUT OUT THE LIGHT, AND THEN PUT OUT THE LIGHT. According to Betterton. Mr. Booth contended to have it thus:--

Put out the light, and then put out THE light. I could not help offeringmy conjecture on this occasion, and suggested it might perhaps be--

Put out the light, and then put out THY light. Another hinted a readingvery sophisticated in my opinion--

Put out the light, and then put out THEE, light, making light to be thevocative case. Another would have altered the last word, and read--

PUT OUT THY LIGHT, AND THEN PUT OUT THY SIGHT. But Betterton said, ifthe text was to be disturbed, he saw no reason why a word might not bechanged as well as a letter, and, instead of "put out thy light, " youmay read "put out thy eyes. " At last it was agreed on all sides to referthe matter to the decision of Shakespeare himself, who delivered hissentiments as follows: "Faith, gentlemen, it is so long since I wrotethe line, I have forgot my meaning. This I know, could I have dreamedso much nonsense would have been talked and writ about it, I wouldhave blotted it out of my works; for I am sure, if any of these be mymeaning, it doth me very little honor. "

He was then interrogated concerning some other ambiguous passages in hisworks; but he declined any satisfactory answer; saying, if Mr. Theobaldhad not writ about it sufficiently, there were three or four more neweditions of his plays coming out, which he hoped would satisfy everyone: concluding, "I marvel nothing so much as that men will girdthemselves at discovering obscure beauties in an author. Certes thegreatest and most pregnant beauties are ever the plainest and mostevidently striking; and when two meanings of a passage can in theleast balance our judgments which to prefer, I hold it matter ofunquestionable certainty that neither of them is worth a farthing. "From his works our conversation turned on his monument; upon which, Shakespeare, shaking his sides, and addressing himself to Milton, criedout, "On my word, brother Milton, they have brought a noble set of poetstogether; they would have been hanged erst have [ere they had] convenedsuch a company at their tables when alive. " "True, brother, " answeredMilton, "unless we had been as incapable of eating then as we are now. "

CHAPTER IX

 More adventures in Elysium. 

A crowd of spirits now joined us, whom I soon perceived to be theheroes, who here frequently pay their respects to the several bards therecorders of their actions. I now saw Achilles and Ulysses addressingthemselves to Homer, and Aeneas and Julius Caesar to Virgil: Adam wentup to Milton, upon which I whispered Mr. Dryden that I thought the devilshould have paid his compliments there, according to his opinion. Drydenonly answered, "I believe the devil was in me when I said so. " Severalapplied themselves to Shakespeare, amongst whom Henry V made a verydistinguishing appearance. While my eyes were fixed on that monarch avery small spirit came up to me, shook me heartily by the hand, and toldme his name was THOMAS THUMB. I expressed great satisfaction in seeinghim, nor could I help speaking my resentment against the historian, whohad done such injustice to the stature of this great little man, whichhe represented to be no bigger than a span, whereas I plainly perceivedat first sight he was full a foot and a half (and the 37th part of aninch more, as he himself informed me), being indeed little shorter thansome considerable beaux of the present age. I asked this little heroconcerning the truth of those stories related of him, viz. , of thepudding, and the cow's belly. As to the former, he said it was aridiculous legend, worthy to be laughed at; but as to the latter, hecould not help owning there was some truth in it: nor had he any reasonto be ashamed of it, as he was swallowed by surprise; adding, with greatfierceness, that if he had had any weapon in his hand the cow shouldhave as soon swallowed the devil. 

He spoke the last word with so much fury, and seemed so confounded, that, perceiving the effect it had on him, I immediately waived thestory, and, passing to other matters, we had much conversation touchinggiants. He said, so far from killing any, he had never seen one alive;that he believed those actions were by mistake recorded of him, insteadof Jack the giant-killer, whom he knew very well, and who had, hefancied, extirpated the race. I assured him to the contrary, and toldhim I had myself seen a huge tame giant, who very complacently stayed inLondon a whole winter, at the special request of several gentlemen andladies; though the affairs of his family called him home to Sweden. 

I now beheld a stern-looking spirit leaning on the shoulder of anotherspirit, and presently discerned the former to be Oliver Cromwell, andthe latter Charles Martel. I own I was a little surprised at seeingCromwell here, for I had been taught by my grandmother that he wascarried away by the devil himself in a tempest; but he assured me, onhis honor, there was not the least truth in that story. However, heconfessed he had narrowly escaped the bottomless pit; and, if the formerpart of his conduct had not been more to his honor than the latter, hehad been certainly soused into it. He was, nevertheless, sent back tothe upper world with this lot:--ARMY, CAVALIER, DISTRESS. 

He was born, for the second time, the day of Charles II's restoration, into a family which had lost a very considerable fortune in the serviceof that prince and his father, for which they received the reward veryoften conferred by princes on real merit, viz. --000. At 16 his fatherbought a small commission for him in the army, in which he servedwithout any promotion all the reigns of Charles II and of his brother. At the Revolution he quitted his regiment, and followed the fortunesof his former master, and was in his service dangerously wounded at thefamous battle of the Boyne, where he fought in the capacity of a privatesoldier. He recovered of this wound, and retired after the unfortunateking to Paris, where he was reduced to support a wife and seven children(for his lot had horns in it) by cleaning shoes and snuffing candles atthe opera. In which situation, after he had spent a few miserable years, he died half-starved and broken-hearted. He then revisited Minos, who, compassionating his sufferings by means of that family, to whom he hadbeen in his former capacity so bitter an enemy, suffered him to enterhere. 

My curiosity would not refrain asking him one question, i. E. , whetherin reality he had any desire to obtain the crown? He smiled, and said, "No more than an ecclesiastic hath to the miter, when he cries Noloepiscopari. " Indeed, he seemed to express some contempt at the question, and presently turned away. 

A venerable spirit appeared next, whom I found to be the great historianLivy. Alexander the Great, who was just arrived from the palace ofdeath, passed by him with a frown. The historian, observing it, said, "Ay, you may frown; but those troops which conquered the base Asiaticslaves would have made no figure against the Romans. " We then privatelylamented the loss of the most valuable part of his history; after whichhe took occasion to commend the judicious collection made by Mr. Hook, which, he said, was infinitely preferable to all others; and at mymentioning Echard's he gave a bounce, not unlike the going off ofa squib, and was departing from me, when I begged him to satisfy mycuriosity in one point--whether he was really superstitious or no? ForI had always believed he was till Mr. Leibnitz had assured me to thecontrary. He answered sullenly, "Doth Mr. Leibnitz know my mind betterthan myself?" and then walked away. 

CHAPTER X

 The author is surprised at meeting Julian the apostate in Elysium; but is satisfied by him by what means he procured his entrance there. Julian relates his adventures in the character of a slave. 

As he was departing I heard him salute a spirit by the name of Mr. Julian the apostate. This exceedingly amazed me; for I had concludedthat no man ever had a better title to the bottomless pit than he. ButI soon found that this same Julian the apostate was also the veryindividual archbishop Latimer. He told me that several lies had beenraised on him in his former capacity, nor was he so bad a man as he hadbeen represented. However, he had been denied admittance, and forcedto undergo several subsequent pilgrimages on earth, and to act in thedifferent characters of a slave, a Jew, a general, an heir, a carpenter, a beau, a monk, a fiddler, a wise man, a king, a fool, a beggar, aprince, a statesman, a soldier, a tailor, an alderman, a poet, a knight, a dancing-master, and three times a bishop, before his martyrdom, which, together with his other behavior in this last character, satisfied thejudge, and procured him a passage to the blessed regions. 

I told him such various characters must have produced incidentsextremely entertaining; and if he remembered all, as I supposed he did, and had leisure, I should be obliged to him for the recital. He answeredhe perfectly recollected every circumstance; and as to leisure, the onlybusiness of that happy place was to contribute to the happiness of eachother. He therefore thanked me for adding to his, in proposing to hima method of increasing mine. I then took my little darling in one hand, and my favorite fellow-traveler in the other, and, going with him toa sunny bank of flowers, we all sat down, and he began as follows:--"Isuppose you are sufficiently acquainted with my story during the time Iacted the part of the emperor Julian, though I assure you all which hathbeen related of me is not true, particularly with regard to the manyprodigies forerunning my death. However, they are now very little worthdisputing; and if they can serve any purpose of the historian theyare extremely at his service. My next entrance into the world was atLaodicea, in Syria, in a Roman family of no great note; and, being ofa roving disposition, I came at the age of seventeen to Constantinople, where, after about a year's stay, I set out for Thrace, at the time whenthe emperor Valens admitted the Goths into that country. I was there socaptivated with the beauty of a Gothic lady, the wife of one Rodoric, acaptain, whose name, out of the most delicate tenderness for her lovelysex, I shall even at this distance conceal; since her behavior to me wasmore consistent with good-nature than with that virtue which women areobliged to preserve against every assailant. In order to procure anintimacy with this woman I sold myself a slave to her husband, who, being of a nation not over-inclined to jealousy, presented me to hiswife, for those very reasons which would have induced one of a jealouscomplexion to have withheld me from her, namely, for that I was youngand handsome. 

"Matters succeeded so far according to my wish, and the sequel answeredthose hopes which this beginning had raised. I soon perceived my servicewas very acceptable to her; I often met her eyes, nor did she withdrawthem without a confusion which is scarce consistent with entire purityof heart. Indeed, she gave me every day fresh encouragement; but theunhappy distance which circumstances had placed between us deterred melong from making any direct attack; and she was too strict an observerof decorum to violate the severe rules of modesty by advancing first;but passion at last got the better of my respect, and I resolved to makeone bold attempt, whatever was the consequence. Accordingly, laying holdof the first kind opportunity, when she was alone and my master abroad, I stoutly assailed the citadel and carried it by storm. Well may I sayby storm; for the resistance I met was extremely resolute, and indeedas much as the most perfect decency would require. She swore often shewould cry out for help; but I answered it was in vain, seeing there wasno person near to assist her; and probably she believed me, for she didnot once actually cry out, which if she had, I might very likely havebeen prevented. 

"When she found her virtue thus subdued against her will she patientlysubmitted to her fate, and quietly suffered me a long time to enjoy themost delicious fruits of my victory; but envious fortune resolved tomake me pay a dear price for my pleasure. One day in the midst of ourhappiness we were suddenly surprised by the unexpected return of herhusband, who, coming directly into his wife's apartment, just allowedme time to creep under the bed. The disorder in which he found his wifemight have surprised a jealous temper; but his was so far otherwise, that possibly no mischief might have happened had he not by a crossaccident discovered my legs, which were not well hid. He immediatelydrew me out by them, and then, turning to his wife with a sterncountenance, began to handle a weapon he wore by his side, with whichI am persuaded he would have instantly dispatched her, had I not verygallantly, and with many imprecations, asserted her innocence and myown guilt; which, however, I protested had hitherto gone no farther thandesign. She so well seconded my plea (for she was a woman of wonderfulart), that he was at length imposed upon; and now all his rage wasdirected against me, threatening all manner of tortures, which thepoor lady was in too great a fright and confusion to dissuade him fromexecuting; and perhaps, if her concern for me had made her attempt it, it would have raised a jealousy in him not afterwards to be removed. 

"After some hesitation Roderic cried out he had luckily hit on the mostproper punishment for me in the world, by a method which would at oncedo severe justice on me for my criminal intention, and at the same timeprevent me from any danger of executing my wicked purpose hereafter. This cruel resolution was immediately executed, and I was no longerworthy the name of a man. 

"Having thus disqualified me from doing him any future injury, he stillretained me in his family; but the lady, very probably repenting of whatshe had done, and looking on me as the author of her guilt, would neverfor the future give me either a kind word or look: and shortly after, agreat exchange being made between the Romans and the Goths of dogs formen, my lady exchanged me with a Roman widow for a small lap-dog, givinga considerable sum of money to boot. 

"In this widow's service I remained seven years, during all which time Iwas very barbarously treated. I was worked without the least mercy, andoften severely beat by a swinging maid-servant, who never called me byany other names than those of the Thing and the Animal. Though I usedmy utmost industry to please, it never was in my power. Neither the ladynor her woman would eat anything I touched, saying they did not believeme wholesome. It is unnecessary to repeat particulars; in a word, youcan imagine no kind of ill usage which I did not suffer in this family. 

"At last an heathen priest, an acquaintance of my lady's, obtained me ofher for a present. The scene was now totally changed, and I had as muchreason to be satisfied with my present situation as I had to lament myformer. I was so absolutely my master's favorite, that the rest of theslaves paid me almost as much regard as they showed to him, well knowingthat it was entirely in my power to command and treat them as I pleased. I was intrusted with all my master's secrets, and used to assist him inprivately conveying away by night the sacrifices from the altars, whichthe people believed the deities themselves devoured. Upon these wefeasted very elegantly, nor could invention suggest a rarity which wedid not pamper ourselves with. Perhaps you may admire at the close unionbetween this priest and his slave, but we lived in an intimacy whichthe Christians thought criminal; but my master, who knew the will ofthe gods, with whom he told me he often conversed, assured me it wasperfectly innocent. 

"This happy life continued about four years, when my master's death, occasioned by a surfeit got by overfeeding on several exquisitedainties, put an end to it. 

"I now fell into the hands of one of a very different disposition, andthis was no other than the celebrated St. Chrysostom, who dieted me withsermons instead of sacrifices, and filled my ears with good things, butnot my belly. Instead of high food to fatten and pamper my flesh, I hadreceipts to mortify and reduce it. With these I edified so well, thatwithin a few months I became a skeleton. However, as he had convertedme to his faith, I was well enough satisfied with this new manner ofliving, by which he taught me I might insure myself an eternal reward ina future state. The saint was a good-natured man, and never gave mean ill word but once, which was occasioned by my neglecting to placeAristophanes, which was his constant bedfellow, on his pillow. He was, indeed, extremely fond of that Greek poet, and frequently made me readhis comedies to him. When I came to any of the loose passages he wouldsmile, and say, 'It was pity his matter was not as pure as his style;'of which latter he was so immoderately fond that, notwithstanding thedetestation he expressed for obscenity, he hath made me repeat thosepassages ten times over. The character of this good man hath been veryunjustly attacked by his heathen contemporaries, particularly withregard to women; but his severe invectives against that sex are hissufficient justification. 

"From the service of this saint, from whom I received manumission, Ientered into the family of Timasius, a leader of great eminence inthe imperial army, into whose favor I so far insinuated myself that hepreferred me to a good command, and soon made me partaker of both hiscompany and his secrets. I soon grew intoxicated with this preferment, and the more he loaded me with benefits the more he raised my opinion ofmy own merit, which, still outstripping the rewards he conferred on me, inspired me rather with dissatisfaction than gratitude. And thus, by preferring me beyond my merit or first expectation, he made me anenvious aspiring enemy, whom perhaps a more moderate bounty would havepreserved a dutiful servant. 

"I fell now acquainted with one Lucilius, a creature of the primeminister Eutropius, who had by his favor been raised to the post ofa tribune; a man of low morals, and eminent only in that meanest ofqualities, cunning. This gentleman, imagining me a fit tool for theminister's purpose, having often sounded my principles of honor andhonesty, both which he declared to me were words without meaning, and finding my ready concurrence in his sentiments, recommended meto Eutropius as very proper to execute some wicked purposes he hadcontrived against my frend Timasius. The minister embraced thisrecommendation, and I was accordingly acquainted by Lucilius (after someprevious accounts of the great esteem Eutropius entertained of me, fromthe testimony he had borne of my parts) that he would introduce me tohim; adding that he was a great encourager of merit, and that I mightdepend upon his favor. 

"I was with little difficulty prevailed on to accept of this invitation. A late hour therefore the next evening being appointed, I attended myfriend Lucilius to the minister's house. 

"He received me with the utmost civility and cheerfulness, and affectedso much regard to me, that I, who knew nothing of these high scenes oflife, concluded I had in him a most disinterested friend, owing to thefavorable report which Lucilius had made of me. I was however soon curedof this opinion; for immediately after supper our discourse turned onthe injustice which the generality of the world were guilty of in theirconduct to great men, expecting that they should reward their privatemerit, without ever endeavoring to apply it to their use. 'What avail, 'said Eutropius, 'the learning, wit, courage, or any virtue which a manmay be possessed of, to me, unless I receive some benefit from them?Hath he not more merit to me who doth my business and obeys my commands, without any of these qualities?' I gave such entire satisfaction inmy answers on this head, that both the minister and his creature grewbolder, and after some preface began to accuse Timasius. At last, finding I did not attempt to defend him, Lucilius swore a great oaththat he was not fit to live, and that he would destroy him. Eutropiusanswered that it would be too dangerous a task: 'Indeed, ' says he, 'hiscrimes are of so black a dye, and so well known to the emperor, that hisdeath must be a very acceptable service, and could not fail meeting aproper reward: but I question whether you are capable of executingit. ' 'If he is not, ' cried I, 'I am; and surely no man can have greatermotives to destroy him than myself: for, besides his disloyalty to myprince, for whom I have so perfect a duty, I have private disobligationsto him. I have had fellows put over my head, to the great scandal ofthe service in general, and to my own prejudice and disappointmentin particular. ' I will not repeat you my whole speech; but, to be asconcise as possible, when we parted that evening the minister squeezedme heartily by the hand, and with great commendation of my honesty andassurances of his favor, he appointed me the next evening to come tohim alone; when, finding me, after a little more scrutiny, ready for hispurpose, he proposed to me to accuse Timasius of high treason, promisingme the highest rewards if I would undertake it. The consequence to him, I suppose you know, was ruin; but what was it to me? Why, truly, whenI waited on Eutropius for the fulfilling his promises, received mewith great distance and coldness; and, on my dropping some hints ofmy expectations from him, he affected not to understand me; sayinghe thought impunity was the utmost I could hope for on discovering myaccomplice, whose offense was only greater than mine, as he was ina higher station; and telling me he had great difficulty to obtain apardon for me from the emperor, which he said, he had struggled veryhardly for, as he had worked the discovery out of me. He turned away, and addressed himself to another person. 

"I was so incensed at this treatment, that I resolved revenge, andshould certainly have pursued it, had he not cautiously prevented me bytaking effectual means to despatch me soon after out of the world. 

"You will, I believe, now think I had a second good chance for thebottomless pit, and indeed Minos seemed inclined to tumble me in, tillhe was informed of the revenge taken on me by Roderic, and my sevenyears' subsequent servitude to the widow; which he thought sufficient tomake atonement for all the crimes a single life could admit of, and sosent me back to try my fortune a third time. "

CHAPTER XI

 In which Julian relates his adventures in the character of an avaricious Jew. 

"The next character in which I was destined to appear in the flesh wasthat of an avaricious Jew. I was born in Alexandria in Egypt. My namewas Balthazar. Nothing very remarkable happened to me till the yearof the memorable tumult in which the Jews of that city are reported inhistory to have massacred more Christians than at that time dwelt in it. Indeed, the truth is, they did maul the dogs pretty handsomely; but Imyself was not present, for as all our people were ordered to be armed, I took that opportunity of selling two swords, which probably I mightotherwise never have disposed of, they being extremely old and rusty; sothat, having no weapon left, I did not care to venture abroad. Besides, though I really thought it an act meriting salvation to murder theNazarenes, as the fact was to be committed at midnight, at which time, to avoid suspicion, we were all to sally from our own houses, I couldnot persuade myself to consume so much oil in sitting up to that hour:for these reasons therefore I remained at home that evening. 

"I was at this time greatly enamored with one Hypatia, the daughter of aphilosopher; a young lady of the greatest beauty and merit: indeed, shehad every imaginable ornament both of mind and body. She seemed notto dislike my person; but there were two obstructions to our marriage, viz. , my religion and her poverty: both which might probably have beengot over, had not those dogs the Christians murdered her; and, what isworse, afterwards burned her body: worse, I say, because I lost by thatmeans a jewel of some value, which I had presented to her, designing, ifour nuptials did not take place, to demand it of her back again. 

"Being thus disappointed in my love, I soon after left Alexandria andwent to the imperial city, where I apprehended I should find a goodmarket for jewels on the approaching marriage of the emperor withAthenais. I disguised myself as a beggar on this journey, for thesereasons: first, as I imagined I should thus carry my jewels with greatersafety; and, secondly, to lessen my expenses; which latter expedientsucceeded so well, that I begged two oboli on my way more than mytraveling cost me, my diet being chiefly roots, and my drink water. 

"But perhaps, it had been better for me if I had been more lavishand more expeditious; for the ceremony was over before I reachedConstantinople; so that I lost that glorious opportunity of disposing ofmy jewels with which many of our people were greatly enriched. 

"The life of a miser is very little worth relating, as it is oneconstant scheme of getting or saving money. I shall therefore repeat toyou some few only of my adventures, without regard to any order. 

"A Roman Jew, who was a great lover of Falernian wine, and who indulgedhimself very freely with it, came to dine at my house; when, knowing heshould meet with little wine, and that of the cheaper sort, sent me inhalf-a-dozen jars of Falernian. Can you believe I would not give thisman his own wine? Sir, I adulterated it so that I made six jarsof [them] three, which he and his friend drank; the other three Iafterwards sold to the very person who originally sent them me, knowinghe would give a better price than any other. 

"A noble Roman came one day to my house in the country, which I hadpurchased, for half the value, of a distressed person. My neighbors paidhim the compliment of some music, on which account, when he departed, he left a piece of gold with me to be distributed among them. I pocketedthis money, and ordered them a small vessel of sour wine, which I couldnot have sold for above two drachms, and afterwards made them pay inwork three times the value of it. 

"As I was not entirely void of religion, though I pretended toinfinitely more than I had, so I endeavored to reconcile my transactionsto my conscience as well as possible. Thus I never invited any one toeat with me, but those on whose pockets I had some design. After ourcollation it was constantly my method to set down in a book I kept forthat purpose, what I thought they owed me for their meal. Indeed, thiswas generally a hundred times as much as they could have dined elsewherefor; but, however, it was quid pro quo, if not ad valorem. Now, wheneverthe opportunity offered of imposing on them I considered it only aspaying myself what they owed me: indeed, I did not always confine myselfstrictly to what I had set down, however extravagant that was; but Ireconciled taking the overplus to myself as usance. 

"But I was not only too cunning for others--I sometimes overreachedmyself. I have contracted distempers for want of food and warmth, whichhave put me to the expense of a physician; nay, I once very narrowlyescaped death by taking bad drugs, only to save one seven-eighth percent in the price. 

"By these and such like means, in the midst of poverty and every kind ofdistress, I saw myself master of an immense fortune, the casting up andruminating on which was my daily and only pleasure. This was, however, obstructed and embittered by two considerations, which against my willoften invaded my thoughts. One, which would have been intolerable (butthat indeed seldom troubled me), was, that I must one day leave mydarling treasure. 

"The other haunted me continually, viz. , that my riches were no greater. However, I comforted myself against this reflection by an assurance thatthey would increase daily: on which head my hopes were so extensive thatI may say with Virgil--

'His ego nec metas rerum nec tempora pono. '

Indeed I am convinced that, had I possessed the whole globe of earth, save one single drachma, which I had been certain never to be masterof--I am convinced, I say, that single drachma would have given me moreuneasiness than all the rest could afford me pleasure. 

"To say the truth, between my solicitude in contriving schemes toprocure money and my extreme anxiety in preserving it, I never had onemoment of ease while awake nor of quiet when in my sleep. 

"In all the characters through which I have passed, I have neverundergone half the misery I suffered in this; and, indeed, Minos seemedto be of the same opinion; for while I stood trembling and shaking inexpectation of my sentence he bid me go back about my business, for thatnobody was to be d--n'd in more worlds than one. And, indeed, I havesince learned that the devil will not receive a miser. "

CHAPTER XII

 What happened to Julian in the characters of a general, an heir, a carpenter, and a beau. 

"The next step I took into the world was at Apollonia, in Thrace, whereI was born of a beautiful Greek slave, who was the mistress of Eutyches, a great favorite of the emperor Zeno. That prince, at his restoration, gave me the command of a cohort, I being then but fifteen years of age;and a little afterwards, before I had even seen an army, preferred me, over the heads of all the old officers, to be a tribune. 

"As I found an easy access to the emperor, by means of my father'sintimacy with him, he being a very good courtier--or, in other words, amost prostitute flatterer--so I soon ingratiated myself with Zeno, andso well imitated my father in flattering him, that he would never partwith me from about his person. So that the first armed force I everbeheld was that with which Marcian surrounded the palace, where I wasthen shut up with the rest of the court. 

"I was afterwards put at the head of a legion and ordered to march intoSyria with Theodoric the Goth; that is, I mean my legion was so ordered;for, as to myself, I remained at court, with the name and pay of ageneral, without the labor or the danger. 

 "As nothing could be more gay, i. E. , debauched, than Zeno'scourt, so the ladies of gay disposition had great sway in it;particularly one, whose name was Fausta, who, though not extremelyhandsome, was by her wit and sprightliness very agreeable to theemperor. With her I lived in good correspondence, and we togetherdisposed of all kinds of commissions in the army, not to those who hadmost merit, but who would purchase at the highest rate. My levee was nowprodigiously thronged by officers who returned from the campaigns, who, though they might have been convinced by daily example how ineffectuala recommendation their services were, still continued indefatigable inattendance, and behaved to me with as much observance and respect as Ishould have been entitled to for making their fortunes, while I sufferedthem and their families to starve. 

"Several poets, likewise, addressed verses to me, in which theycelebrated my achievements; and what, perhaps, may seem strange to usat present, I received all this incense with most greedy vanity, withoutonce reflecting that, as I did not deserve these compliments, theyshould rather put me in mind of my defects. 

"My father was now dead, and I became so absolute in the emperor's gracethat one unacquainted with courts would scarce believe the servilitywith which all kinds of persons who entered the walls of the palacebehaved towards me. A bow, a smile, a nod from me, as I passed throughcringing crowds, were esteemed as signal favors; but a gracious wordmade any one happy; and, indeed, had this real benefit attending it, that it drew on the person on whom it was bestowed a very great degreeof respect from all others; for these are of current value in courts, and, like notes in trading communities, are assignable from one to theother. The smile of a court favorite immediately raises the personwho receives it, and gives a value to his smile when conferred on aninferior: thus the smile is transferred from one to the other, and thegreat man at last is the person to discount it. For instance, a verylow fellow hath a desire for a place. To whom is he to apply? Not to thegreat man; for to him he hath no access. He therefore applies to A, whois the creature of B, who is the tool of C, who is the flatterer of D, who is the catamite of E, who is the pimp of F, who is the bully of G, who is the buffoon of I, who is the husband of K, who is the whore ofL, who is the bastard of M, who is the instrument of the great man. Thusthe smile descending regularly from the great man to A, is discountedback again, and at last paid by the great man. 

"It is manifest that a court would subsist as difficultly without thiskind of coin as a trading city without paper credit. Indeed, they differin this, that their value is not quite so certain, and a favorite mayprotest his smile without the danger of bankruptcy. 

"In the midst of all this glory the emperor died, and Anastasius waspreferred to the crown. As it was yet uncertain whether I should notcontinue in favor, I was received as usual at my entrance into thepalace to pay my respects to the new emperor; but I was no sooner rumpedby him than I received the same compliment from all the rest; the wholeroom, like a regiment of soldiers, turning their backs to me all atonce: my smile now was become of equal value with the note of a brokenbanker, and every one was as cautious not to receive it. 

"I made as much haste as possible from the court, and shortly afterfrom the city, retreating to the place of my nativity, where I spent theremainder of my days in a retired life in husbandry, the only amusementfor which I was qualified, having neither learning nor virtue. 

"When I came to the gate Minos again seemed at first doubtful, but atlength dismissed me; saying though I had been guilty of many heinouscrimes, in as much as I had, though a general, never been concerned inspilling human blood, I might return again to earth. 

"I was now again born in Alexandria, and, by great accident, enteringinto the womb of my daughter-in-law, came forth my own grandson, inheriting that fortune which I had before amassed. 

"Extravagance was now as notoriously my vice as avarice had beenformerly; and I spent in a very short life what had cost me the laborof a very long one to rake together. Perhaps you will think my presentcondition was more to be envied than my former: but upon my word it wasvery little so; for, by possessing everything almost before I desiredit, I could hardly ever say I enjoyed my wish: I scarce ever knew thedelight of satisfying a craving appetite. Besides, as I never oncethought, my mind was useless to me, and I was an absolute stranger toall the pleasures arising from it. Nor, indeed, did my education qualifyme for any delicacy in other enjoyments; so that in the midst of plentyI loathed everything. Taste for elegance I had none; and the greatest ofcorporeal blisses I felt no more from than the lowest animal. In a word, as while a miser I had plenty without daring to use it, so now I had itwithout appetite. 

"But if I was not very happy in the height of my enjoyment, so Iafterwards became perfectly miserable; being soon overtaken by disease, and reduced to distress, till at length, with a broken constitution andbroken heart, I ended my wretched days in a jail: nor can I think thesentence of Minos too mild, who condemned me, after having taken a largedose of avarice, to wander three years on the banks of Cocytus, withthe knowledge of having spent the fortune in the person of the grandsonwhich I had raised in that of the grandfather. 

"The place of my birth, on my return to the world, was Constantinople, where my father was a carpenter. The first thing I remember was, thetriumph of Belisarius, which was, indeed, most noble show; but nothingpleased me so much as the figure of Gelimer, king of the AfricanVandals, who, being led captive on this occasion, reflecting withdisdain on the mutation of his own fortune, and on the ridiculous emptypomp of the conqueror, cried out, VANITY, VANITY, ALL IS MERE VANITY. '

"I was bred up to my father's trade, and you may easily believe so low asphere could produce no adventures worth your notice. However, I marrieda woman I liked, and who proved a very tolerable wife. My days werepassed in hard labor, but this procured me health, and I enjoyed ahomely supper at night with my wife with more pleasure than I apprehendgreater persons find at their luxurious meals. My life had scarce anyvariety in it, and at my death I advanced to Minos with great confidenceof entering the gate: but I was unhappily obliged to discover somefrauds I had been guilty of in the measure of my work when I workedby the foot, as well as my laziness when I was employed by the day. Onwhich account, when I attempted to pass, the angry judge laid hold onme by the shoulders, and turned me back so violently, that, had I had aneck of flesh and bone, I believe he would have broke it. "

CHAPTER XIII

 Julian passes into a fop. 

"My scene of action was Rome. I was born into a noble family, and heirto a considerable fortune. On which my parents, thinking I should notwant any talents, resolved very kindly and wisely to throw none awayupon me. The only instructors of my youth were therefore one Saltator, who taught me several motions for my legs; and one Ficus, whose businesswas to show me the cleanest way (as he called it) of cutting off a man'shead. When I was well accomplished in these sciences, I thought nothingmore wanting, but what was to be furnished by the several mechanics inRome, who dealt in dressing and adorning the pope. Being therefore wellequipped with all which their art could produce, I became at the ageof twenty a complete finished beau. And now during forty-five years Idressed, I sang and danced, and danced and sang, I bowed and ogled, andogled and bowed, till, in the sixty-sixth year of my age, I got cold byoverheating myself with dancing, and died. 

"Minos told me, as I was unworthy of Elysium, so I was too insignificantto be damned, and therefore bade me walk back again. "

CHAPTER XIV

 Adventures in the person of a monk. 

"Fortune now placed me in the character of a younger brother of a goodhouse, and I was in my youth sent to school; but learning was now at solow an ebb, that my master himself could hardly construe a sentenceof Latin; and as for Greek, he could not read it. With very littleknowledge therefore, and with altogether as little virtue, I was setapart for the church, and at the proper age commenced monk. I lived manyyears retired in a cell, a life very agreeable to the gloominess of mytemper, which was much inclined to despise the world; that is, in otherwords, to envy all men of superior fortune and qualifications, and ingeneral to hate and detest the human species. Notwithstanding which, I could, on proper occasions, submit to flatter the vilest fellow innature, which I did one Stephen, an eunuch, a favorite of the emperorJustinian II, one of the wickedest wretches whom perhaps the world eversaw. I not only wrote a panegyric on this man, but I commended him asa pattern to all others in my sermons; by which means I so greatlyingratiated myself with him, that he introduced me to the emperor'spresence, where I prevailed so far by the same methods, that I wasshortly taken from my cell, and preferred to a place at court. I was nosooner established in the favor of Justinian than I prompted him to allkind of cruelty. As I was of a sour morose temper, and hated nothingmore than the symptoms of happiness appearing in any countenance, Irepresented all kind of diversion and amusement as the most horrid sins. I inveighed against cheerfulness as levity, and encouraged nothing butgravity, or, to confess the truth to you, hypocrisy. The unhappyemperor followed my advice, and incensed the people by such repeatedbarbarities, that he was at last deposed by them and banished. 

"I now retired again to my cell (for historians mistake in saying I wasput to death), where I remained safe from the danger of the irritatedmob, whom I cursed in my own heart as much as they could curse me. 

"Justinian, after three years of his banishment, returned toConstantinople in disguise, and paid me a visit. I at first affectednot to know him, and without the least compunction of gratitude for hisformer favors, intended not to receive him, till a thought immediatelysuggested itself to me how I might convert him to my advantage, Ipretended to recollect him; and, blaming the shortness of my memoryand badness of my eyes, I sprung forward and embraced him with greataffection. 

"My design was to betray him to Apsimar, who, I doubted not, wouldgenerously reward such a service. I therefore very earnestly requestedhim to spend the whole evening with me; to which he consented. I formedan excuse for leaving him a few minutes, and ran away to the palace toacquaint Apsimar with the guest whom I had then in my cell. He presentlyordered a guard to go with me and seize him; but, whether the length ofmy stay gave him any suspicion, or whether he changed his purpose aftermy departure, I know not; for at my return we found he had given us theslip; nor could we with the most diligent search discover him. 

"Apsimar, being disappointed of his prey, now raged at me; at firstdenouncing the most dreadful vengeance if I did not produce the deposedmonarch. However, by soothing his passion when at the highest, andafterwards by canting and flattery, I made a shift to escape his fury. 

"When Justinian was restored I very confidently went to wish him joyof his restoration: but it seems he had unfortunately heard of mytreachery, so that he at first received me coldly, and afterwardsupbraided me openly with what I had done. I persevered stoutly indenying it, as I knew no evidence could be produced against me; till, finding him irreconcilable, I betook myself to reviling him in mysermons, and on every other occasion, as an enemy to the church and goodmen, and as an infidel, a heretic, an atheist, a heathen, and an Arian. This I did immediately on his return, and before he gave those flagrantproofs of his inhumanity which afterwards sufficiently verified all Ihad said. 

"Luckily I died on the same day when a great number of those forceswhich Justinian had sent against the Thracian Bosphorus, and who hadexecuted such unheard-of cruelties there, perished. As every oneof these was cast into the bottomless pit, Minos was so tired withcondemnation, that he proclaimed that all present who had not beenconcerned in that bloody expedition might, if they pleased, return tothe other world. I took him at his word, and, presently turning about, began my journey. "

CHAPTER XV

 Julian passes into the character of a fiddler. 

"Rome was now the seat of my nativity. My mother was an African, a womanof no great beauty, but a favorite, I suppose from her piety, ofpope Gregory II. Who was my father I know not, but I believe no veryconsiderable man; for after the death of that pope, who was, out of hisreligion, a very good friend of my mother, we fell into great distress, and were at length reduced to walk the streets of Rome; nor had eitherof us any other support but a fiddle, on which I played with prettytolerable skill; for, as my genius turned naturally to music, so I hadbeen in my youth very early instructed at the expense of the good pope. This afforded us but a very poor livelihood: for, though I had oftena numerous crowd of hearers, few ever thought themselves obliged tocontribute the smallest pittance to the poor starving wretch who hadgiven them pleasure. Nay, some of the graver sort, after an hour'sattention to my music, have gone away shaking their heads, and crying itwas a shame such vagabonds were suffered to stay in the city. 

"To say the truth, I am confident the fiddle would not have kept usalive had we entirely depended on the generosity of my hearers. Mymother therefore was forced to use her own industry; and while I wassoothing the ears of the crowd, she applied to their pockets, and thatgenerally with such good success that we now began to enjoy a verycomfortable subsistence; and indeed, had we had the least prudence orforecast, might have soon acquired enough to enable us to quit thisdangerous and dishonorable way of life: but I know not what is thereason that money got with labor and safety is constantly preserved, while the produce of danger and ease is commonly spent as easily, andoften as wickedly, as acquired. Thus we proportioned our expenses ratherby what we had than what we wanted or even desired; and on obtaining aconsiderable booty we have even forced nature into the most profligateextravagance, and have been wicked without inclination. 

"We carried on this method of thievery for a long time withoutdetection: but, as Fortune generally leaves persons of extraordinaryingenuity in the lurch at last, so did she us; for my poor mother wastaken in the fact, and, together with myself, as her accomplice, hurriedbefore a magistrate. 

"Luckily for us, the person who was to be our judge was the greatestlover of music in the whole city, and had often sent for me to playto him, for which, as he had given me very small rewards, perhaps hisgratitude now moved him: but, whatever was his motive, he browbeat theinformers against us, and treated their evidence with so little favor, that their mouths were soon stopped, and we dismissed with honor;acquitted, I should rather have it said, for we were not suffered todepart till I had given the judge several tunes on the fiddle. 

"We escaped the better on this occasion because the person robbedhappened to be a poet; which gave the judge, who was a facetious person, many opportunities of jesting. He said poets and musicians should agreetogether, seeing they had married sisters; which he afterwards explainedto be the sister arts. And when the piece of gold was produced he burstinto a loud laugh, and said it must be the golden age, when poets hadgold in their pockets, and in that age there could be no robbers. Hemade many more jests of the same kind, but a small taste will suffice. 

"It is a common saying that men should take warning by any signaldelivery; but I cannot approve the justice of it; for to me it seemsthat the acquittal of a guilty person should rather inspire him withconfidence, and it had this effect on us: for we now laughed at the law, and despised its punishments, which we found were to be escaped evenagainst positive evidence. We imagined the late example was rather awarning to the accuser than the criminal, and accordingly proceeded inthe most impudent and flagitious manner. 

"Among other robberies, one night, being admitted by the servants intothe house of an opulent priest, my mother took an opportunity, whilstthe servants were dancing to my tunes, to convey away a silver vessel;this she did without the least sacrilegious intention; but it seems thecup, which was a pretty large one, was dedicated to holy uses, and onlyborrowed by the priest on an entertainment which he made for some of hisbrethren. We were immediately pursued upon this robbery (the cup beingtaken in our possession), and carried before the same magistrate, whohad before behaved to us with so much gentleness: but his countenancewas now changed, for the moment the priest appeared against us, hisseverity was as remarkable as his candor had been before, and we wereboth ordered to be stripped and whipped through the streets. 

"This sentence was executed with great severity, the priest himselfattending and encouraging the executioner, which he said he did for thegood of our souls; but, though our backs were both flayed, neithermy mother's torments nor my own afflicted me so much as the indignityoffered to my poor fiddle, which was carried in triumph before me, andtreated with a contempt by the multitude, intimating a great scornfor the science I had the honor to profess; which, as it is one ofthe noblest inventions of men, and as I had been always in the highestdegree proud of my excellence in it, I suffered so much from theill-treatment my fiddle received, that I would have given all myremainder of skin to have preserved it from this affront. 

"My mother survived the whipping a very short time; and I was nowreduced to great distress and misery, till a young Roman of considerablerank took a fancy to me, received me into his family, and conversed withme in the utmost familiarity. He had a violent attachment to music, andwould learn to play on the fiddle; but, through want of genius for thescience, he never made any considerable progress. However, I flatteredhis performance, and he grew extravagantly fond of me for so doing. Had I continued this behavior I might possibly have reaped the greatestadvantages from his kindness; but I had raised his own opinion of hismusical abilities so high, that he now began to prefer his skill tomine, a presumption I could not bear. One day as we were playing inconcert he was horribly out; nor was it possible, as he destroyed theharmony, to avoid telling him of it. Instead of receiving my correction, he answered it was my blunder and not his, and that I had mistaken thekey. Such an affront from my own scholar was beyond human patience; Iflew into a violent passion, I flung down my instrument in a rage, andswore I was not to be taught music at my age. He answered, with as muchwarmth, nor was he to be instructed by a strolling fiddler. The disputeended in a challenge to play a prize before judges. This wager wasdetermined in my favor; but the purchase was a dear one, for I lost myfriend by it, who now, twitting me with all his kindness, with my formerignominious punishment, and the destitute condition from which I hadbeen by his bounty relieved, discarded me for ever. 

"While I lived with this gentleman I became known, among others, toSabina, a lady of distinction, and who valued herself much on her tastefor music. She no sooner heard of my being discarded than she tookme into her house, where I was extremely well clothed and fed. Notwithstanding which, my situation was far from agreeable; for I wasobliged to submit to her constant reprehensions before company, whichgave me the greater uneasiness because they were always wrong; nor am Icertain that she did not by these provocations contribute to my death:for, as experience had taught me to give up my resentment to my bread, so my passions, for want of outward vent, preyed inwardly on my vitals, and perhaps occasioned the distemper of which I sickened. 

"The lady, who, amidst all the faults she found, was very fond ofme, nay, probably was the fonder of me the more faults she found, immediately called in the aid of three celebrated physicians. Thedoctors (being well fee'd) made me seven visits in three days, andtwo of them were at the door to visit me the eighth time, when, beingacquainted that I was just dead, they shook their heads and departed. 

"When I came to Minos he asked me with a smile whether I had brought myfiddle with me; and, receiving an answer in the negative, he bid me getabout my business, saying it was well for me that the devil was no loverof music. "

CHAPTER XVI

 The history of the wise man. 

"I now returned to Rome, but in a very different character. Fortune hadnow allotted me a serious part to act. I had even in my infancy a gravedisposition, nor was I ever seen to smile, which infused an opinion intoall about me that I was a child of great solidity; some foreseeing thatI should be a judge, and others a bishop. At two years old my fatherpresented me with a rattle, which I broke to pieces with greatindignation. This the good parent, being extremely wise, regarded as aneminent symptom of my wisdom, and cried out in a kind of ecstasy, 'Wellsaid, boy! I warrant thou makest a great man. '

"At school I could never be persuaded to play with my mates; not thatI spent my hours in learning, to which I was not in the least addicted, nor indeed had I any talents for it. However, the solemnity of mycarriage won so much on my master, who was a most sagacious person, that I was his chief favorite, and my example on all occasions wasrecommended to the other boys, which filled them with envy, and me withpleasure; but, though they envied me, they all paid me that involuntaryrespect which it is the curse attending this passion to bear towards itsobject. 

"I had now obtained universally the character of a very wise young man, which I did not altogether purchase without pains; for the restraint Ilaid on myself in abstaining from the several diversions adapted to myyears cost me many a yearning; but the pride which I inwardly enjoyed inthe fancied dignity of my character made me some amends. 

"Thus I passed on, without anything very memorable happening to me, till I arrived at the age of twenty-three, when unfortunately I fellacquainted with a young Neapolitan lady whose name was Ariadne. Herbeauty was so exquisite that her first sight made a violent impressionon me; this was again improved by her behavior, which was most genteel, easy, and affable: lastly, her conversation completed the conquest. Inthis she discovered a strong and lively understanding, with the sweetestand most benign temper. This lovely creature was about eighteen when Ifirst unhappily beheld her at Rome, on a visit to a relation with whom Ihad great intimacy. As our interviews at first were extremely frequent, my passions were captivated before I apprehended the least danger; andthe sooner probably, as the young lady herself, to whom I consultedevery method of recommendation, was not displeased with my being heradmirer. 

"Ariadne, having spent three months at Rome, now returned to Naples, bearing my heart with her: on the other hand, I had all the assurancesconsistent with the constraint under which the most perfect modesty laysa young woman, that her own heart was not entirely unaffected. I soonfound her absence gave me an uneasiness not easy to be borne orto remove. I now first applied to diversions (of the graver sort, particularly to music), but in vain; they rather raised my desires andheightened my anguish. My passion at length grew so violent, that Ibegan to think of satisfying it. As the first step to this, I cautiouslyinquired into the circumstances of Ariadne's parents, with which I washitherto unacquainted: though, indeed, I did not apprehend they wereextremely great, notwithstanding the handsome appearance of theirdaughter at Rome. Upon examination, her fortune exceeded my expectation, but was not sufficient to justify my marriage with her, in the opinionof the wise and prudent. I had now a violent struggle between wisdomand happiness, in which, after several grievous pangs, wisdom gotthe better. I could by no means prevail with myself to sacrifice thatcharacter of profound wisdom, which I had with such uniform conductobtained, and with such caution hitherto preserved. I therefore resolvedto conquer my affection, whatever it cost me; and indeed it did not costme a little. 

"While I was engaged in this conflict (for it lasted a long time)Ariadne returned to Rome: her presence was a terrible enemy to mywisdom, which even in her absence had with great difficulty stoodits ground. It seems (as she hath since told me in Elysium with muchmerriment) I had made the same impressions on her which she had made onme. Indeed, I believe my wisdom would have been totally subdued by thissurprise, had it not cunningly suggested to me a method of satisfying mypassion without doing any injury to my reputation. This was by engagingher privately as a mistress, which was at that time reputable enoughat Rome, provided the affair was managed with an air of slyness andgravity, though the secret was known to the whole city. 

"I immediately set about this project, and employed every art and engineto effect it. I had particularly bribed her priest, and an old femaleacquaintance and distant relation of hers, into my interest: but allwas in vain; her virtue opposed the passion in her breast as strongly aswisdom had opposed it in mine. She received my proposals with the utmostdisdain, and presently refused to see or hear from me any more. 

"She returned again to Naples, and left me in a worse condition thanbefore. My days I now passed with the most irksome uneasiness, andmy nights were restless and sleepless. The story of our amour was nowpretty public, and the ladies talked of our match as certain; but myacquaintance denied their assent, saying, 'No, no, he is too wise tomarry so imprudently. ' This their opinion gave me, I own, very greatpleasure; but, to say the truth, scarce compensated the pangs I sufferedto preserve it. 

"One day, while I was balancing with myself, and had almost resolvedto enjoy my happiness at the price of my character, a friend broughtme word that Ariadne was married. This news struck me to the soul; andthough I had resolution enough to maintain my gravity before him (forwhich I suffered not a little the more), the moment I was alone I threwmyself into the most violent fit of despair, and would willingly haveparted with wisdom, fortune, and everything else, to have retrieved her;but that was impossible, and I had now nothing but time to hope a curefrom. This was very tedious in performing it, and the longer as Ariadnehad married a Roman cavalier, was now become my near neighbor, and I hadthe mortification of seeing her make the best of wives, and of havingthe happiness which I had lost, every day before my eyes. 

"If I suffered so much on account of my wisdom in having refusedAriadne, I was not much more obliged to it for procuring me a richwidow, who was recommended to me by an old friend as a very prudentmatch; and, indeed, so it was, her fortune being superior to mine inthe same proportion as that of Ariadne had been inferior. I thereforeembraced this proposal, and my character of wisdom soon pleaded soeffectually for me with the widow, who was herself a woman of greatgravity and discretion, that I soon succeeded; and as soon as decencywould permit (of which this lady was the strictest observer) we weremarried, being the second day of the second week of the second yearafter her husband's death; for she said she thought some period of timeabove the year had a great air of decorum. 

"But, prudent as this lady was, she made me miserable. Her person wasfar from being lovely, but her temper was intolerable. 

"During fifteen years' habitation, I never passed a single day withoutheartily cursing her, and the hour in which we came together. The onlycomfort I received, in the midst of the highest torments, was fromcontinually hearing the prudence of my match commended by all myacquaintance. 

"Thus you see, in the affairs of love, I bought the reputation ofwisdom pretty dear. In other matters I had it somewhat cheaper; not thathypocrisy, which was the price I gave for it, gives one no pain. I haverefused myself a thousand little amusements with a feigned contempt, while I have really had an inclination to them. I have often almostchoked myself to restrain from laughing at a jest, and (which wasperhaps to myself the least hurtful of all my hypocrisy) have heartilyenjoyed a book in my closet which I have spoken with detestation of inpublic. To sum up my history in short, as I had few adventures worthremembering, my whole life was one constant lie; and happy would it havebeen for me if I could as thoroughly have imposed on myself as I did onothers: for reflection, at every turn, would often remind me I wasnot so wise as people thought me; and this considerably embittered thepleasure I received from the public commendation of my wisdom. Thisself-admonition, like a memento mori or mortalis es, must be, in myopinion, a very dangerous enemy to flattery: indeed, a weight sufficientto counterbalance all the false praise of the world. But whether it bethat the generality of wise men do not reflect at all, or whether theyhave, from a constant imposition on others, contracted such a habit ofdeceit as to deceive themselves, I will not determine: it is, I believe, most certain that very few wise men know themselves what fools they are, more than the world doth. Good gods! could one but see what passes inthe closet of wisdom! how ridiculous a sight must it be to behold thewise man, who despises gratifying his palate, devouring custard; thesober wise man with his dram-bottle; or, the anti-carnalist (if I maybe allowed the expression) chuckling over a b--dy book or picture, andperhaps caressing his house-maid!

"But to conclude a character in which I apprehend I made as absurd afigure as in any in which I trod the stage of earth, my wisdom at lastbut an end to itself, that is, occasioned my dissolution. 

"A relation of mine in the eastern part of the empire disinherited hisson, and left me his heir. This happened in the depth of winter, whenI was in my grand climacteric, and had just recovered of a dangerousdisease. As I had all the reason imaginable to apprehend the family ofthe deceased would conspire against me, and embezzle as much as theycould, I advised with a grave and wise friend what was proper to bedone; whether I should go myself, or employ a notary on this occasion, and defer my journey to the spring. To say the truth, I was mostinclined to the latter; the rather as my circumstances were extremelyflourishing, as I was advanced in years, and had not one person in theworld to whom I should with pleasure bequeath any fortune at my death. 

"My friend told me he thought my question admitted of no manner ofdoubt or debate; that common prudence absolutely required my immediatedeparture; adding, that if the same good luck had happened to him hewould have been already on his journey; 'for, ' continued he, 'a man whoknows the world so well as you, would be inexcusable to give personssuch an opportunity of cheating you, who, you must be assured, willbe too well inclined; and as for employing a notary, remember thatexcellent maxim, Ne facias per alium, quod fieri potest per te. Iown the badness of the season and your very late recovery are unluckycircumstances; but a wise man must get over difficulties when necessityobliges him to encounter them. '

"I was immediately determined by this opinion. The duty of a wise manmade an irresistible impression, and I took the necessity for grantedwithout examination. I accordingly set forward the next morning; verytempestuous weather soon overtook me; I had not traveled three daysbefore I relapsed into my fever, and died. 

"I was now as cruelly disappointed by Minos as I had formerly beenhappily so. I advanced with the utmost confidence to the gate, andreally imagined I should have been admitted by the wisdom of mycountenance, even without any questions asked: but this was not my case;and, to my great surprise, Minos, with a menacing voice, called out tome, 'You Mr. There, with the grave countenance, whither so fast, pray?Will you please, before you move any farther forwards, to give me ashort account of your transactions below?' I then began, and recountedto him my whole history, still expecting at the end of every period thatthe gate would be ordered to fly open; but I was obliged to go quitethrough with it, and then Minos after some little consideration spoke tome as follows:--

"'You, Mr. Wiseman, stand forth if you please. Believe me, sir, a tripback again to earth will be one of the wisest steps you ever took, and really more to the honor of your wisdom than any you have hithertotaken. On the other side, nothing could be simpler than to endeavor atElysium; for who but a fool would carry a commodity, which is of suchinfinite value in one place, into another where it is of none? But, without attempting to offend your gravity with a jest, you must returnto the place from whence you came, for Elysium was never designed forthose who are too wise to be happy. '

"This sentence confounded me greatly, especially as it seemed tothreaten me with carrying my wisdom back again to earth. I told thejudge, though he would not admit me at the gate, I hoped I had committedno crime while alive which merited my being wise any longer. He answeredme, I must take my chance as to that matter, and immediately we turnedour backs to each other. "

CHAPTER XVII

 Julian enters into the person of a king. 

"I was now born at Oviedo in Spain. My father's name was Veremond, and Iwas adopted by my uncle king Alphonso the chaste. 

"I don't recollect in all the pilgrimages I have made on earth that Iever passed a more miserable infancy than now; being under the utmostconfinement and restraint, and surrounded with physicians who wereever dosing me, and tutors who were continually plaguing me with theirinstructions; even those hours of leisure which my inclination wouldhave spent in play were allotted to tedious pomp and ceremony, which, at an age wherein I had no ambition to enjoy the servility of courtiers, enslaved me more than it could the meanest of them. However, as Iadvanced towards manhood, my condition made me some amends; for the mostbeautiful women of their own accord threw out lures for me, and I hadthe happiness, which no man in an inferior degree can arrive at, ofenjoying the most delicious creatures, without the previous andtiresome ceremonies of courtship, unless with the most simple, young andunexperienced. As for the court ladies, they regarded me rather as mendo the most lovely of the other sex; and, though they outwardly retainedsome appearance of modesty, they in reality rather considered themselvesas receiving than conferring favors. 

"Another happiness I enjoyed was in conferring favors of another sort;for, as I was extremely good-natured and generous, so I had dailyopportunities of satisfying those passions. Besides my own princelyallowance, which was very bountiful, and with which I did many liberaland good actions, I recommended numberless persons of merit in distressto the king's notice, most of whom were provided for. Indeed, had Isufficiently known my blessed situation at this time, I should havegrieved at nothing more than the death of Alphonso, by which the burdenof government devolved upon me; but, so blindly fond is ambition, andsuch charms doth it fancy in the power and pomp and splendor of acrown, that, though I vehemently loved that king, and had the greatestobligations to him, the thoughts of succeeding him obliterated my regretat his loss, and the wish for my approaching coronation dried my eyes athis funeral. 

"But my fondness for the name of king did not make me forgetful of thoseover whom I was to reign. I considered them in the light in which atender father regards his children, as persons whose wellbeing Godhad intrusted to my care; and again, in that in which a prudent lordrespects his tenants, as those on whose wealth and grandeur he is tobuild his own. Both these considerations inspired me with the greatestcare for their welfare, and their good was my first and ultimateconcern. 

"The usurper Mauregas had impiously obliged himself and his successorsto pay to the Moors every year an infamous tribute of an hundred youngvirgins: from this cruel and scandalous imposition I resolved to relievemy country. Accordingly, when their emperor Abderames the second had theaudaciousness to make this demand of me, instead of complying with it Iordered his ambassadors to be driven away with all imaginable ignominy, and would have condemned them to death, could I have done it without amanifest violation of the law of nations. 

"I now raised an immense army; at the levying of which I made a speechfrom my throne, acquainting my subjects with the necessity and thereasons of the war in which I was going to engage: which I convincedthem I had undertaken for their ease and safety, and not for satisfyingany wanton ambition, or revenging any private pique of my own. They alldeclared unanimously that they would venture their lives and everythingdear to them in my defense, and in the support of the honor of my crown. Accordingly, my levies were instantly complete, sufficient numbersbeing only left to till the land; churchmen, even bishops themselves, enlisting themselves under my banners. 

"The armies met at Alvelda, where we were discomfited with immense loss, and nothing but the lucky intervention of the night could have saved ourwhole army. 

"I retreated to the summit of a hill, where I abandoned myself to thehighest agonies of grief, not so much for the danger in which I then sawmy crown, as for the loss of those miserable wretches who had exposedtheir lives at my command. I could not then avoid this reflection--that, if the deaths of these people in a war undertaken absolutely for theirprotection could give me such concern, what horror must I have felt if, like princes greedy of dominion, I had sacrificed such numbers to my ownpride, vanity, and ridiculous lust of power. 

"After having vented my sorrows for some time in this manner, I beganto consider by what means I might possibly endeavor to retrieve thismisfortune; when, reflecting on the great number of priests I had inmy army, and on the prodigious force of superstition, a thought luckilysuggested itself to me, to counterfeit that St. James had appeared to mein a vision, and had promised me the victory. While I was ruminating onthis the bishop of Najara came opportunely to me. As I did not intendto communicate the secret to him, I took another method, and, insteadof answering anything the bishop said to me, I pretended to talk to St. James, as if he had been really present; till at length, after havingspoke those things which I thought sufficient, and thanked the saintaloud for his promise of the victory, I turned about to the bishop, and, embracing him with a pleased countenance, protested I did not know hewas present; and then, informing him of this supposed vision, I askedhim if he had not himself seen the saint? He answered me he had; andafterwards proceeded to assure me that this appearance of St. James wasentirely owing to his prayers; for that he was his tutelar saint. Headded he had a vision of him a few hours before, when he promised hima victory over the infidels, and acquainted him at the same time of thevacancy of the see of Toledo. Now, this news being really true, thoughit had happened so lately that I had not heard of it (nor, indeed, wasit well possible I should, considering the great distance of the way), when I was afterwards acquainted with it, a little staggered me, thoughfar from being superstitious; till being informed that the bishop hadlost three horses on a late expedition, I was satisfied. 

"The next morning, the bishop, at my desire, mounted the rostrum, andtrumpeted forth this vision so effectually, which he said he had thatevening twice seen with his own eyes, that a spirit began to be infusedthrough the whole army which rendered them superior to almost any force:the bishop insisted that the least doubt of success was giving the lieto the saint, and a damnable sin, and he took upon him in his name topromise them victory. 

"The army being drawn out, I soon experienced the effect of enthusiasm, for, having contrived another stratagem [9] to strengthen what thebishop had said, the soldiers fought more like furies than men. Mystratagem was this: I had about me a dexterous fellow, who had beenformerly a pimp in my amours. Him I dressed up in a strange antic dress, with a pair of white colors in his right hand, a red cross in his left, and having disguised him so that no one could know him, I placed him ona white horse, and ordered him to ride to the head of the army, and cryout, 'Follow St. James!' These words were reiterated by all the troops, who attacked the enemy with such intrepidity, that, notwithstanding ourinferiority of numbers, we soon obtained a complete victory. 

"The bishop was come up by the time that the enemy was routed, and, acquainting us that he had met St. James by the way, and that he hadinformed him of what had passed, he added that he had express ordersfrom the saint to receive a considerable sum for his use, and that acertain tax on corn and wine should be settled on his church for ever;and lastly, that a horseman's pay should be allowed for the futureto the saint himself, of which he and his successors were appointedreceivers. The army received these demands with such acclamations thatI was obliged to comply with them, as I could by no means discover theimposition, nor do I believe I should have gained any credit if I had. 

"I had now done with the saint, but the bishop had not; for about a weekafterwards lights were seen in a wood near where the battle was fought;and in a short time afterwards they discovered his tomb at the sameplace. Upon this the bishop made me a visit, and forced me to gothither, to build a church to him, and largely endow it. In a word, thegood man so plagued me with miracle after miracle, that I was forced tomake interest with the pope to convey him to Toledo, to get rid of him. 

"But to proceed to other matters. --There was an inferior officer, who had behaved very bravely in the battle against the Moors, and hadreceived several wounds, who solicited me for preferment; which I wasabout to confer on him, when one of my ministers came to me in a fright, and told me that he had promised the post I designed for this man to theson of count Alderedo; and that the count, who was a powerful person, would be greatly disobliged at the refusal, as he had sent for his sonfrom school to take possession of it. I was obliged to agree with myminister's reasons, and at the same time recommended the wounded soldierto be preferred by him, which he faithfully promised he would; but Imet the poor wretch since in Elysium, who informed me he was afterwardsstarved to death. 

"None who hath not been himself a prince, nor any prince till his death, can conceive the impositions daily put on them by their favorites andministers; so that princes are often blamed for the faults of others. The count of Saldagne had been long confined in prison, when his son, D. Bernard del Carpio, who had performed the greatest actions againstthe Moors, entreated me, as a reward for his service, to grant him hisfather's liberty. The old man's punishment had been so tedious, andthe services of the young one so singularly eminent, that I was veryinclinable to grant the request; but my ministers strongly opposed it;they told me my glory demanded revenge for the dishonor offered to myfamily; that so positive a demand carried with it rather the air ofmenace than entreaty; that the vain detail of his services, and therecompense due to them, was an injurious reproach; that to grant whathad been so haughtily demanded would argue in the monarch both weaknessand timidity; in a word, that to remit the punishment inflicted by mypredecessors would be to condemn their judgment. Lastly, one told me ina whisper, 'His whole family are enemies to your house. ' By these meansthe ministers prevailed. The young lord took the refusal so ill, that heretired from court, and abandoned himself to despair, whilst the old onelanguished in prison. By which means, as I have since discovered, I lostthe use of two of my best subjects. 

"To confess the truth, I had, by means of my ministers, conceived a veryunjust opinion of my whole people, whom I fancied to be daily conspiringagainst me, and to entertain the most disloyal thoughts, when, inreality (as I have known since my death), they held me in universalrespect and esteem. This is a trick, I believe, too often played withsovereigns, who, by such means, are prevented from that open intercoursewith their subjects which, as it would greatly endear the person of theprince to the people, so might it often prove dangerous to a ministerwho was consulting his own interest only at the expense of both. Ibelieve I have now recounted to you the most material passages of mylife; for I assure you there are some incidents in the lives of kingsnot extremely worth relating. Everything which passes in their mindsand families is not attended with the splendor which surrounds theirthrone--indeed, there are some hours wherein the naked king and thenaked cobbler can scarce be distinguished from each other. 

"Had it not been, however, for my ingratitude to Bernard del Carpio, Ibelieve this would have been my last pilgrimage on earth; for, as to thestory of St. James, I thought Minos would have burst his sides at it;but he was so displeased with me on the other account, that, with afrown, he cried out, 'Get thee back again, king. ' Nor would he suffer meto say another word. "

CHAPTER XVIII

 Julian passes into a fool. 

"The next visit I made to the world was performed in France, where Iwas born in the court of Lewis III, and had afterwards the honor to bepreferred to be fool to the prince, who was surnamed Charles the Simple. But, in reality, I know not whether I might so properly be said to haveacted the fool in his court as to have made fools of all others in it. Certain it is, I was very far from being what is generally understood bythat word, being a most cunning, designing, arch knave. I knew very wellthe folly of my master, and of many others, and how to make my advantageof this knowledge. 

"I was as dear to Charles the Simple as the player Paris was toDomitian, and, like him, bestowed all manner of offices and honorson whom I pleased. This drew me a great number of followers amongthe courtiers, who really mistook me for a fool, and yet flattered myunderstanding. There was particularly in the court a fellow who hadneither honor, honesty, sense, wit, courage, beauty, nor indeed any onegood quality, either of mind or body, to recommend him; but was at thesame time, perhaps, as cunning a monster as ever lived. This gentlemantook it into his head to list under my banner, and pursued me so veryassiduously with flattery, constantly reminding me of my good sense, that I grew immoderately fond of him; for though flattery is not mostjudiciously applied to qualities which the persons flattered possess, yet as, notwithstanding my being well assured of my own parts, I passedin the whole court for a fool, this flattery was a very sweet morsel tome. I therefore got this fellow preferred to a bishopric, but I lost myflatterer by it; for he never afterwards said a civil thing to me. 

"I never balked my imagination for the grossness of the reflection onthe character of the greatest noble--nay, even the king himself; ofwhich I will give you a very bold instance. One day his simple majestytold me he believed I had so much power that his people looked on me asthe king, and himself as my fool. 

"At this I pretended to be angry, as with an affront. 'Why, how now?'says the king; 'are you ashamed of being a king?' 'No, sir, ' says I, 'but I am devilishly ashamed of my fool. '

"Herbert, earl of Vermandois, had by my means been restored to the favorof the Simple (for so I used always to call Charles). He afterwardsprevailed with the king to take the city of Arras from earl Baldwin, bywhich means, Herbert, in exchange for this city, had Peronne restoredto him by count Altmar. Baldwin came to court in order to procurethe restoration of his city; but, either through pride or ignorance, neglected to apply to me. As I met him at court during his solicitation, I told him he did not apply the right way; he answered roughly he shouldnot ask a fool's advice. I replied I did not wonder at his prejudice, since he had miscarried already by following a fool's advice; but I toldhim there were fools who had more interest than that he had brought withhim to court. He answered me surlily he had no fool with him, for thathe traveled alone. 'Ay, my lord, ' says I, 'I often travel alone, and yetthey will have it I always carry a fool with me. ' This raised a laughamong the by-standers, on which he gave me a blow. I immediatelycomplained of this usage to the Simple, who dismissed the earl fromcourt with very hard words, instead of granting him the favor hesolicited. 

"I give you these rather as a specimen of my interest and impudence thanof my wit--indeed, my jests were commonly more admired than they oughtto be; for perhaps I was not in reality much more a wit than a fool. But, with the latitude of unbounded scurrility, it is easy enoughto attain the character of wit, especially in a court, where, as allpersons hate and envy one another heartily, and are at the same timeobliged by the constrained behavior of civility to profess the greatestliking, so it is, and must be, wonderfully pleasant to them to see thefollies of their acquaintance exposed by a third person. Besides, theopinion of the court is as uniform as the fashion, and is alwaysguided by the will of the prince or of the favorite. I doubt not thatCaligula's horse was universally held in his court to be a good andable consul. In the same manner was I universally acknowledged to be thewittiest fool in the world. Every word I said raised laughter, andwas held to be a jest, especially by the ladies, who sometimes laughedbefore I had discovered my sentiment, and often repeated that as a jestwhich I did not even intend as one. 

"I was as severe on the ladies as on the men, and with the sameimpunity; but this at last cost me dear: for once having joked on thebeauty of a lady whose name was Adelaide, a favorite of the Simple's, she pretended to smile and be pleased at my wit with the rest of thecompany; but in reality she highly resented it, and endeavored toundermine me with the king. In which she so greatly succeeded (for whatcannot a favorite woman do with one who deserves the surname of Simple?)that the king grew every day more reserved to me, and when I attemptedany freedom gave me such marks of his displeasure, that the courtierswho have all hawks' eyes at a slight from the sovereign, soon discernedit: and indeed, had I been blind enough not to have discovered that Ihad lost ground in the Simple's favor by his own change in his carriagetowards me, I must have found it, nay even felt it, in the behavior ofthe courtiers: for, as my company was two days before solicited with theutmost eagerness, it was now rejected with as much scorn. I was now thejest of the ushers and pages; and an officer of the guards, on whom Iwas a little jocose, gave me a box on the ear, bidding me make free withmy equals. This very fellow had been my butt for many years, withoutdaring to lift his hand against me. 

"But though I visibly perceived the alteration in the Simple, I wasutterly unable to make any guess at the occasion. I had not the leastsuspicion of Adelaide; for, besides her being a very good-humored woman, I had often made severe jests on her reputation, which I had all thereason imaginable to believe had given her no offense. But I soonperceived that a woman will bear the most bitter censures on her moralseasier than the smallest reflection on her beauty; for she now declaredpublicly, that I ought to be dismissed from court, as the stupidest offools, and one in whom there was no diversion; and that she wondered howany person could have so little taste as to imagine I had any wit. This speech was echoed through the drawing-room, and agreed to by allpresent. Every one now put on an unusual gravity on their countenancewhenever I spoke; and it was as much out of my power to raise a laugh asformerly it had been for me to open my mouth without one. 

"While my affairs were in this posture I went one day into the circlewithout my fool's dress. The Simple, who would still speak to me, criedout, 'So, fool, what's the matter now?' 'Sir, ' answered I, 'fools arelike to be so common a commodity at court, that I am weary of my coat. ''How dost thou mean?' answered the Simple; 'what can make them commonernow than usual?'--'O, sir, ' said I, 'there are ladies here make yourmajesty a fool every day of their lives. ' The Simple took no noticeof my jest, and several present said my bones ought to be broke for myimpudence; but it pleased the queen, who, knowing Adelaide, whom shehated, to be the cause of my disgrace, obtained me of the king, and tookme into her service; so that I was henceforth called the queen's fool, and in her court received the same honor, and had as much wit, as I hadformerly had in the king's. But as the queen had really no powerunless over her own domestics, I was not treated in general with thatcomplacence, nor did I receive those bribes and presents, which had oncefallen to my share. 

"Nor did this confined respect continue long: for the queen, who had infact no taste for humor, soon grew sick of my foolery, and, forgettingthe cause for which she had taken me, neglected me so much, that hercourt grew intolerable to my temper, and I broke my heart and died. 

"Minos laughed heartily at several things in my story, and then, tellingme no one played the fool in Elysium, bid me go back again. "

CHAPTER XIX

 Julian appears in the character of a beggar. 

"I now returned to Rome, and was born into a very poor and numerousfamily, which, to be honest with you, procured its livelihood bybegging. This, if you was never yourself of the calling, you do notknow, I suppose, to be as regular a trade as any other; to have itsseveral rules and secrets, or mysteries, which to learn require perhapsas tedious an apprenticeship as those of any craft whatever. 

"The first thing we are taught is the countenance miserable. This indeednature makes much easier to some than others; but there are none whocannot accomplish it, if they begin early enough in youth, and beforethe muscles are grown too stubborn. 

"The second thing is the voice lamentable. In this qualification too, nature must have her share in producing the most consummate excellence:however, art will here, as in every other instance, go a great waywith industry and application, even without the assistance of genius, especially if the student begins young. 

"There are many other instructions, but these are the most considerable. The women are taught one practice more than the men, for they areinstructed in the art of crying, that is, to have their tears ready onall occasions: but this is attained very easily by most. Some indeedarrive at the utmost perfection in this art with incredible facility. 

"No profession requires a deeper insight into human nature than thebeggar's. Their knowledge of the passions of men is so extensive, thatI have often thought it would be of no little service to a politicianto have his education among them. Nay, there is a much greater analogybetween these two characters than is imagined; for both concur in theirfirst and grand principle, it being equally their business to delude andimpose on mankind. It must be confessed that they differ widely in thedegree of advantage which they make by their deceit; for, whereas thebeggar is contented with a little, the politician leaves but a littlebehind. 

"A very great English philosopher hath remarked our policy, in takingcare never to address any one with a title inferior to what he reallyclaims. My father was of the same opinion; for I remember when I was aboy, the pope happening to pass by, I tended him with 'Pray, sir;' 'ForGod's sake, sir;' 'For the Lord's sake, sir;'--To which he answeredgravely, 'Sirrah, sirrah, you ought to be whipped for taking the Lord'sname in vain;' and in vain it was indeed, for he gave me nothing. Myfather, overhearing this, took his advice, and whipped me very severely. While I was under correction I promised often never to take the Lord'sname in vain any more. My father then said, 'Child, I do not whip youfor taking his name in vain; I whip you for not calling the pope hisholiness. '

"If all men were so wise and good to follow the clergy's example, thenuisance of beggars would soon be removed. I do not remember to havebeen above twice relieved by them during my whole state of beggary. Oncewas by a very well-looking man, who gave me a small piece of silver, anddeclared he had given me more than he had left himself; the other wasby a spruce young fellow, who had that very day first put on his robes, whom I attended with 'Pray, reverend sir, good reverend sir, consideryour cloth. ' He answered, 'I do, child, consider my office, and I hopeall our cloth do the same. ' He then threw down some money, and struttedoff with great dignity. 

"With the women I had one general formulary: 'Sweet pretty lady, ' 'Godbless your ladyship, ' 'God bless your handsome face. ' This generallysucceeded; but I observed the uglier the woman was, the surer I was ofsuccess. 

"It was a constant maxim among us, that the greater retinue any onetraveled with the less expectation we might promise ourselves from them;but whenever we saw a vehicle with a single or no servant we imaginedour booty sure, and were seldom deceived. 

"We observed great difference introduced by time and circumstance in thesame person; for instance, a losing gamester is sometimes generous, butfrom a winner you will as easily obtain his soul as a single groat. Alawyer traveling from his country seat to his clients at Rome, and aphysician going to visit a patient, were always worth asking; but thesame on their return were (according to our cant phrase) untouchable. 

"The most general, and indeed the truest, maxim among us was, that thosewho possessed the least were always the readiest to give. The chief artof a beggar-man is, therefore, to discern the rich from the poor, which, though it be only distinguishing substance from shadow, is by nomeans attainable without a pretty good capacity and a vast degree ofattention; for these two are eternally industrious in endeavoring tocounterfeit each other. In this deceit the poor man is more heartilyin earnest to deceive you than the rich, who, amidst all the emblemsof poverty which he puts on, still permits some mark of his wealth tostrike the eye. Thus, while his apparel is not worth a groat, his fingerwears a ring of value, or his pocket a gold watch. In a word, he seemsrather to affect poverty to insult than impose on you. Now the poor man, on the contrary, is very sincere in his desire of passing for rich; butthe eagerness of this desire hurries him to over-act his part, and hebetrays himself as one who is drunk by his overacted sobriety. Thus, instead of being attended by one servant well mounted, he will have two;and, not being able to purchase or maintain a second horse of value, one of his servants at least is mounted on a hired rascallion. He isnot contented to go plain and neat in his clothes; he therefore claps onsome tawdry ornament, and what he adds to the fineness of his vestmenthe detracts from the fineness of his linen. Without descending into moreminute particulars, I believe I may assert it as an axiom of indubitabletruth, that whoever shows you he is either in himself or his equipageas gaudy as he can, convinces you he is more so than he can afford. Now, whenever a man's expense exceeds his income, he is indifferent in thedegree; we had therefore nothing more to do with such than to flatterthem with their wealth and splendor, and were always certain of success. 

"There is, indeed, one kind of rich man who is commonly more liberal, namely, where riches surprise him, as it were, in the midst of povertyand distress, the consequence of which is, I own, sometimes excessiveavarice, but oftener extreme prodigality. I remember one of these who, having received a pretty large sum of money, gave me, when I beggedan obolus, a whole talent; on which his friend having reproved him, heanswered, with an oath, 'Why not? Have I not fifty left?'

"The life of a beggar, if men estimated things by their real essence, and not by their outward false appearance, would be, perhaps, a moredesirable situation than any of those which ambition persuades us, withsuch difficulty, danger, and often villainy, to aspire to. The wants ofa beggar are commonly as chimerical as the abundance of a nobleman;for besides vanity, which a judicious beggar will always apply to withwonderful efficacy, there are in reality very few natures so hardened asnot to compassionate poverty and distress, when the predominancy of someother passion doth not prevent them. 

"There is one happiness which attends money got with ease, namely, thatit is never hoarded; otherwise, as we have frequent opportunities ofgrowing rich, that canker care might prey upon our quiet, as it doth onothers; but our money stock we spend as fast as we acquire it; usuallyat least, for I speak not without exception; thus it gives us mirthonly, and no trouble. Indeed, the luxury of our lives might introducediseases, did not our daily exercise prevent them. This gives us anappetite and relish for our dainties, and at the same time an antidoteagainst the evil effects which sloth, united with luxury, induces on thehabit of a human body. Our women we enjoy with ecstasies at least equalto what the greatest men feel in their embraces. I can, I am assured, say of myself, that no mortal could reap more perfect happiness fromthe tender passion than my fortune had decreed me. I married a charmingyoung woman for love; she was the daughter of a neighboring beggar, who, with an improvidence too often seen, spent a very large income which heprocured by his profession, so that he was able to give her nofortune down; however, at his death he left her a very well accustomedbegging-hut, situated on the side of a steep hill, where travelerscould not immediately escape from us, and a garden adjoining, being thetwenty-eighth part of an acre, well planted. 

"She made the best of wives, bore me nineteen children, and never failed, unless on her lying-in, which generally lasted three days, to getmy supper ready against my return home in an evening; this being myfavorite meal, and at which I, as well as my whole family, greatlyenjoyed ourselves; the principal subject of our discourse beinggenerally the boons we had that day obtained, on which occasions, laughing at the folly of the donors made no inconsiderable part ofthe entertainment; for, whatever might be their motive for giving, weconstantly imputed our success to our having flattered their vanity, oroverreached their understanding. 

"But perhaps I have dwelt too long on this character; I shall conclude, therefore, with telling you that after a life of 102 years' continuance, during all which I had never known any sickness or infirmity but thatwhich old age necessarily induced, I at last, without the least pain, went out like the snuff of a candle. 

"Minos, having heard my history, bid me compute, if I could, howmany lies I had told in my life. As we are here, by a certain fatednecessity, obliged to confine ourselves to truth, I answered, I believedabout 50, 000, 000. He then replied, with a frown, 'Can such a wretchconceive any hopes of entering Elysium?' I immediately turned about, and, upon the whole, was rejoiced at his not calling me back. "

CHAPTER XX

 Julian performs the part of a statesman. 

"It was now my fortune to be born of a German princess; but aman-midwife, pulling my head off in delivering my mother, put a speedyend to my princely life. 

"Spirits who end their lives before they are at the age of five yearsare immediately ordered into other bodies; and it was now my fortuneto perform several infancies before I could again entitle myself to anexamination of Minos. 

"At length I was destined once more to play a considerable part on thestage. I was born in England, in the reign of Ethelred II. My father'sname was Ulnoth: he was earl or thane of Sussex. I was afterwards knownby the name of earl Goodwin, and began to make a considerable figurein the world in the time of Harold Harefoot, whom I procured to be madeking of Wessex, or the West Saxons, in prejudice of Hardicanute, whosemother Emma endeavored afterwards to set another of her sons on thethrone; but I circumvented her, and, communicating her design to theking, at the same time acquainted him with a project which I had formedfor the murder of these two young princes. Emma had sent for these hersons from Normandy, with the king's leave, whom she had deceived by herreligious behavior, and pretended neglect of all worldly affairs; but Iprevailed with Harold to invite these princes to his court, and putthem to death. The prudent mother sent only Alfred, retaining Edwardto herself, as she suspected my ill designs, and thought I should notventure to execute them on one of her sons, while she secured the other;but she was deceived, for I had no sooner Alfred in my possession thanI caused him to be conducted to Ely, where I ordered his eyes to be putout, and afterwards to be confined in a monastery. 

"This was one of those cruel expedients which great men satisfythemselves well in executing, by concluding them to be necessary to theservice of their prince, who is the support of their ambition. 

"Edward, the other son of Emma, escaped again to Normandy; whence, afterthe death of Harold and Hardicanute, he made no scruple of applying tomy protection and favor, though he had before prosecuted me with all thevengeance he was able, for the murder of his brother; but in all greataffairs private relation must yield to public interest. Having thereforeconcluded very advantageous terms for myself with him, I made no scrupleof patronizing his cause, and soon placed him on the throne. Nor did Iconceive the least apprehension from his resentment, as I knew my powerwas too great for him to encounter. 

"Among other stipulated conditions, one was to marry my daughter Editha. This Edward consented to with great reluctance, and I had afterwardsno reason to be pleased with it; for it raised her, who had been myfavorite child, to such an opinion of greatness, that, instead of payingme the usual respect, she frequently threw in my teeth (as often atleast as I gave her any admonition), that she was now a queen, andthat the character and title of father merged in that of subject. Thisbehavior, however, did not cure me of my affection towards her, norlessen the uneasiness which I afterwards bore on Edward's dismissing herfrom his bed. 

"One thing which principally induced me to labor the promotion of Edwardwas the simplicity or weakness of that prince, under whom I promisedmyself absolute dominion under another name. Nor did this opiniondeceive me; for, during his whole reign, my administration was in thehighest degree despotic: I had everything of royalty but the outwardensigns; no man ever applying for a place, or any kind of preferment, but to me only. A circumstance which, as it greatly enriched my coffers, so it no less pampered my ambition, and satisfied my vanity with anumerous attendance; and I had the pleasure of seeing those who onlybowed to the king prostrating themselves before me. 

"Edward the Confessor, or St. Edward, as some have called him, inderision I suppose, being a very silly fellow, had all the faultsincident, and almost inseparable, to fools. He married my daughterEditha from his fear of disobliging me; and afterwards, out of hatred tome, refused even to consummate his marriage, though she was one of themost beautiful women of her age. He was likewise guilty of the basestingratitude to his mother (a vice to which fools are chiefly, if notonly, liable); and, in return for her endeavors to procure him a thronein his youth, confined her in a loathsome prison in her old age. This, it is true, he did by my advice; but as to her walking over nineplowshares red-hot, and giving nine manors, when she had not one in herpossession, there is not a syllable of veracity in it. 

"The first great perplexity I fell into was on the account of my sonSwane, who had deflowered the abbess of Leon, since called Leominster, in Herefordshire. After this fact he retired into Denmark, whence hesent to me to obtain his pardon. The king at first refused it, beingmoved thereto, as I afterwards found, by some churchmen, particularly byone of his chaplains, whom I had prevented from obtaining a bishopric. Upon this my son Swane invaded the coasts with several ships, andcommitted many outrageous cruelties; which, indeed, did his business, asthey served me to apply to the fear of this king, which I had longsince discovered to be his predominant passion. And, at last, he who hadrefused pardon to his first offense submitted to give it him after hehad committed many other more monstrous crimes; by which his pardon lostall grace to the offended, and received double censure from all others. 

"The king was greatly inclined to the Normans, had created a Normanarchbishop of Canterbury, and had heaped extraordinary favors on him. I had no other objection to this man than that he rose without myassistance; a cause of dislike which, in the reign of great and powerfulfavorites, hath often proved fatal to the persons who have given it, as the persons thus raised inspire us constantly with jealousies andapprehensions. For when we promote any one ourselves, we take effectualcare to preserve such an ascendant over him, that we can at any timereduce him to his former degree, should he dare to act in opposition toour wills; for which reason we never suffer any to come near theprince but such as we are assured it is impossible should be capable ofengaging or improving his affection; no prime minister, as I apprehend, esteeming himself to be safe while any other shares the ear of hisprince, of whom we are as jealous as the fondest husband can be of hiswife. Whoever, therefore, can approach him by any other channel thanthat of ourselves, is, in our opinion, a declared enemy, and one whomthe first principles of policy oblige us to demolish with the utmostexpedition. For the affection of kings is as precarious as that ofwomen, and the only way to secure either to ourselves is to keep allothers from them. 

"But the archbishop did not let matters rest on suspicion. He soon gaveopen proofs of his interest with the Confessor in procuring an officeof some importance for one Rollo, a Roman of mean extraction and verydespicable parts. When I represented to the king the indecency ofconferring such an honor on such a fellow, he answered me that he wasthe archbishop's relation. 'Then, sir, ' replied I, 'he is related toyour enemy. ' Nothing more passed at that time; but I soon perceived, by the archbishop's behavior, that the king had acquainted him with ourprivate discourse; a sufficient assurance of his confidence in him andneglect of me. 

"The favor of princes, when once lost, is recoverable only by thegaining a situation which may make you terrible to them. As I had nodoubt of having lost all credit with this king, which indeed had beenoriginally founded and constantly supported by his fear, so I took themethod of terror to regain it. 

"The earl of Boulogne coming over to visit the king gave me anopportunity of breaking out into open opposition; for, as the earl wason his return to France, one of his servants, who was sent before toprocure lodgings at Dover, and insisted on having them in the house of aprivate man in spite of the owner's teeth, was, in a fray which ensued, killed on the spot; and the earl himself, arriving there soon after, very narrowly escaped with his life. The earl, enraged at this affront, returned to the king at Gloucester with loud complaints and demandsof satisfaction. Edward consented to his demands, and ordered me tochastise the rioters, who were under my government as earl of Kent: but, instead of obeying these orders, I answered, with some warmth, that theEnglish were not used to punish people unheard, nor ought theirrights and privileges to be violated; that the accused should be firstsummoned--if guilty, should make satisfaction both with body and estate, but, if innocent, should be discharged. Adding, with great ferocity, that as earl of Kent it was my duty to protect those under my governmentagainst the insults of foreigners. 

"This accident was extremely lucky, as it gave my quarrel with the kinga popular color, and so ingratiated me with the people, that when Iset up my standard, which I soon after did, they readily and cheerfullylisted under my banners and embraced my cause, which I persuaded themwas their own; for that it was to protect them against foreigners thatI had drawn my sword. The word foreigners with an Englishman hath a kindof magical effect, they having the utmost hatred and aversion to them, arising from the cruelties they suffered from the Danes and some otherforeign nations. No wonder therefore they espoused my cause in a quarrelwhich had such a beginning. 

"But what may be somewhat more remarkable is, that when I afterwardsreturned to England from banishment, and was at the head of an army ofthe Flemish, who were preparing to plunder the city of London, I stillpersisted that I was come to defend the English from the danger offoreigners, and gained their credit. Indeed, there is no lie so grossbut it may be imposed on the people by those whom they esteem theirpatrons and defenders. 

"The king saved his city by being reconciled to me, and taking again mydaughter, whom he had put away from him; and thus, having frightenedthe king into what concessions I thought proper, I dismissed my army andfleet, with which I intended, could I not have succeeded otherwise, tohave sacked the city of London and ravaged the whole country. 

"I was no sooner re-established in the king's favor, or, what wasas well for me, the appearance of it, than I fell violently on thearchbishop. He had of himself retired to his monastery in Normandy; butthat did not content me: I had him formally banished, the see declaredvacant, and then filled up by another. 

"I enjoyed my grandeur a very short time after my restoration to it; forthe king, hating and fearing me to a very great degree, and finding nomeans of openly destroying me, at last effected his purpose by poison, and then spread abroad a ridiculous story, of my wishing the nextmorsel might choke me if I had had any hand in the death of Alfred; and, accordingly, that the next morsel, by a divine judgment, stuck in mythroat and performed that office. 

"This of a statesman was one of my worst stages in the other world. Itis a post subjected daily to the greatest danger and inquietude, andattended with little pleasure and less ease. In a word, it is a pillwhich, was it not gilded over by ambition, would appear nauseous anddetestable in the eye of every one; and perhaps that is one reason whyMinos so greatly compassionates the case of those who swallow it: forthat just judge told me he always acquitted a prime minister who couldproduce one single good action in his whole life, let him have committedever so many crimes. Indeed, I understood him a little too largely, and was stepping towards the gate; but he pulled me by the sleeve, and, telling me no prime minister ever entered there, bid me go back again;saying, he thought I had sufficient reason to rejoice in my escapingthe bottomless pit, which half my crimes committed in any other capacitywould have entitled me to. "

CHAPTER XXI

 Julian's adventures in the post of a soldier. 

"I was born at Caen, in Normandy. My mother's name was Matilda; as formy father, I am not so certain, for the good woman on her death-bedassured me she herself could bring her guess to no greater certaintythan to five of duke William's captains. When I was no more thanthirteen (being indeed a surprising stout boy of my age) I enlisted intothe army of duke William, afterwards known by the name of William theConqueror, landed with him at Pemesey or Pemsey, in Sussex, and waspresent at the famous battle of Hastings. 

"At the first onset it was impossible to describe my consternation, which was heightened by the fall of two soldiers who stood by me; butthis soon abated, and by degrees, as my blood grew warm, I thought nomore of my own safety, but fell on the enemy with great fury, and did agood deal of execution; till, unhappily, I received a wound in my thigh, which rendered me unable to stand any longer, so that I now lay amongthe dead, and was constantly exposed to the danger of being trampled todeath, as well by my fellow-soldiers as by the enemy. However, I had thefortune to escape it, and continued the remaining part of the day andthe night following on the ground. 

"The next morning, the duke sending out parties to bring off thewounded, I was found almost expiring with loss of blood; notwithstandingwhich, as immediate care was taken to dress my wounds, youth and arobust constitution stood my friends, and I recovered after a long andtedious indisposition, and was again able to use my limbs and do myduty. 

"As soon as Dover was taken I was conveyed thither with all the rest ofthe sick and wounded. Here I recovered of my wound; but fell afterwardsinto a violent flux, which, when it departed, left me so weak that itwas long before I could regain my strength. And what most afflicted mewas, that during my whole illness, when I languished under want as wellas sickness, I had daily the mortification to see and hear the riotsand excess of my fellow-soldiers, who had happily escaped safe from thebattle. 

"I was no sooner well than I was ordered into garrison at Dover Castle. The officers here fared very indifferently, but the private men muchworse. We had great scarcity of provisions, and, what was yet moreintolerable, were so closely confined for want of room (four of us beingobliged to lie on the same bundle of straw), that many died, and mostsickened. 

"Here I had remained about four months, when one night we were alarmedwith the arrival of the earl of Boulogne, who had come over privilyfrom France, and endeavored to surprise the castle. The design provedineffectual; for the garrison making a brisk sally, most of his menwere tumbled down the precipice, and he returned with a very few back toFrance. In this action, however, I had the misfortune to come off with abroken arm; it was so shattered, that, besides a great deal of pain andmisery which I endured in my cure, I was disabled for upwards of threemonths. 

"Soon after my recovery I had contracted an amour with a youngwoman whose parents lived near the garrison, and were in much bettercircumstances than I had reason to expect should give their consent tothe match. However, as she was extremely fond of me (as I was indeeddistractedly enamored of her), they were prevailed on to comply with herdesires, and the day was fixed for our marriage. 

"On the evening preceding, while I was exulting with the eagerexpectation of the happiness I was the next day to enjoy, I receivedorders to march early in the morning towards Windsor, where a large armywas to be formed, at the head of which the king intended to march intothe west. Any person who hath ever been in love may easily imagine whatI felt in my mind on receiving those orders; and what still heightenedmy torments was, that the commanding officer would not permit any oneto go out of the garrison that evening; so that I had not even anopportunity of taking leave of my beloved. 

"The morning came which was to have put me in the possession of mywishes; but, alas! the scene was now changed, and all the hopes which Ihad raised were now so many ghosts to haunt, and furies to torment me. 

"It was now the midst of winter, and very severe weather for the season;when we were obliged to make very long and fatiguing marches, in whichwe suffered all the inconveniences of cold and hunger. The night inwhich I expected to riot in the arms of my beloved mistress I wasobliged to take up with a lodging on the ground, exposed to theinclemencies of a rigid frost; nor could I obtain the least comfort ofsleep, which shunned me as its enemy. 

"In short, the horrors of that night are not to be described, or perhapsimagined. They made such an impression on my soul, that I was forced tobe dipped three times in the river Lethe to prevent my remembering it inthe characters which I afterwards performed in the flesh. "

Here I interrupted Julian for the first time, and told him no suchdipping had happened to me in my voyage from one world to the other:but he satisfied me by saying "that this only happened to those spiritswhich returned into the flesh, in order to prevent that reminiscencewhich Plato mentions, and which would otherwise cause great confusion inthe other world. "

He then proceeded as follows: "We continued a very laborious march toExeter, which we were ordered to besiege. The town soon surrendered, andhis majesty built a castle there, which he garrisoned with his Normans, and unhappily I had the misfortune to be one of the number. 

"Here we were confined closer than I had been at Dover; for, as thecitizens were extremely disaffected, we were never suffered to gowithout the walls of the castle; nor indeed could we, unless in largebodies, without the utmost danger. We were likewise kept to continualduty, nor could any solicitations prevail with the commanding officerto give me a month's absence to visit my love, from whom I had noopportunity of hearing in all my long absence. 

"However, in the spring, the people being more quiet, and anotherofficer of a gentler temper succeeding to the principal command, Iobtained leave to go to Dover; but alas! what comfort did my longjourney bring me? I found the parents of my darling in the utmost miseryat her loss; for she had died, about a week before my arrival, of aconsumption, which they imputed to her pining at my sudden departure. 

"I now fell into the most violent and almost raving fit of despair. Icursed myself, the king, and the whole world, which no longer seemedto have any delight for me. I threw myself on the grave of my deceasedlove, and lay there without any kind of sustenance for two whole days. At last hunger, together with the persuasions of some people who tookpity on me, prevailed with me to quit that situation, and refresh myselfwith food. They then persuaded me to return to my post, and abandon aplace where almost every object I saw recalled ideas to my mind which, as they said, I should endeavor with my utmost force to expel from it. This advice at length succeeded; the rather, as the father and mother ofmy beloved refused to see me, looking on me as the innocent but certaincause of the death of their only child. 

"The loss of one we tenderly love, as it is one of the most bitter andbiting evils which attend human life, so it wants the lenitive whichpalliates and softens every other calamity; I mean that great reliever, hope. No man can be so totally undone, but that he may still cherishexpectation: but this deprives us of all such comfort, nor can anythingbut time alone lessen it. This, however, in most minds, is sure towork a slow but effectual remedy; so did it in mine: for within atwelve-month I was entirely reconciled to my fortune, and soon afterabsolutely forgot the object of a passion from which I had promisedmyself such extreme happiness, and in the disappointment of which I hadexperienced such inconceivable misery. 

"At the expiration of the month I returned to my garrison at Exeter;where I was no sooner arrived than I was ordered to march into thenorth, to oppose a force there levied by the earls of Chester andNorthumberland. We came to York, where his majesty pardoned the heads ofthe rebels, and very severely punished some who were less guilty. It wasparticularly my lot to be ordered to seize a poor man who had never beenout of his house, and convey him to prison. I detested this barbarity, yet was obliged to execute it; nay, though no reward would have bribedme in a private capacity to have acted such a part, yet so much sanctityis there in the commands of a monarch or general to a soldier, thatI performed it without reluctance, nor had the tears of his wife andfamily any prevalence with me. 

"But this, which was a very small piece of mischief in comparison withmany of my barbarities afterwards, was however, the only one whichever gave me any uneasiness; for when the king led us afterwards intoNorthumberland to revenge those people's having joined with Osborne theDane in his invasion, and orders were given us to commit what ravageswe could, I was forward in fulfilling them, and, among some lessercruelties (I remember it yet with sorrow), I ravished a woman, murdereda little infant playing in her lap, and then burned her house. In short, for I have no pleasure in this part of my relation, I had my sharein all the cruelties exercised on those poor wretches; which were sogrievous, that for sixty miles together, between York and Durham, not asingle house, church, or any other public or private edifice, was leftstanding. 

"We had pretty well devoured the country, when we were ordered to marchto the Isle of Ely, to oppose Hereward, a bold and stout soldier, whohad under him a very large body of rebels, who had the impudence to riseagainst their king and conqueror (I talk now in the same style I didthen) in defense of their liberties, as they called them. These weresoon subdued; but as I happened (more to my glory than my comfort) tobe posted in that part through which Hereward cut his way, I receiveda dreadful cut on the forehead, a second on the shoulder, and was runthrough the body with a pike. 

"I languished a long time with these wounds, which made me incapable ofattending the king into Scotland. However, I was able to go over withhim afterwards into Normandy, in his expedition against Philip, whohad taken the opportunity of the troubles in England to invade thatprovince. Those few Normans who bad survived their wounds, and hadremained in the Isle of Ely, were all of our nation who went, the restof his army being all composed of English. In a skirmish near the townof Mans my leg was broke and so shattered that it was forced to be cutoff. 

"I was now disabled from serving longer in the army; and accordingly, being discharged from the service, I retired to the place of mynativity, where, in extreme poverty, and frequent bad health from themany wounds I had received, I dragged on a miserable life to the age ofsixty-three; my only pleasure being to recount the feats of my youth, inwhich narratives I generally exceeded the truth. 

"It would be tedious and unpleasant to recount to you the severalmiseries I suffered after my return to Caen; let it suffice, theywere so terrible that they induced Minos to compassionate me, and, notwithstanding the barbarities I had been guilty of in Northumberland, to suffer me to go once more back to earth. "

CHAPTER XXII

 What happened to Julian in the person of a tailor. 

"Fortune now stationed me in a character which the ingratitude ofmankind hath put them on ridiculing, though they owe to it not only arelief from the inclemencies of cold, to which they would otherwise beexposed, but likewise a considerable satisfaction of their vanity. Thecharacter I mean was that of a tailor; which, if we consider it with dueattention, must be confessed to have in it great dignity and importance. For, in reality, who constitutes the different degrees between men butthe tailor? the prince indeed gives the title, but it is the tailor whomakes the man. To his labors are owing the respect of crowds, and theawe which great men inspire into their beholders, though these are toooften unjustly attributed to other motives. Lastly, the admiration ofthe fair is most commonly to be placed to his account. 

"I was just set up in my trade when I made three suits of fine clothesfor king Stephen's coronation. I question whether the person who wearsthe rich coat hath so much pleasure and vanity in being admired in it, as we tailors have from that admiration; and perhaps a philosopherwould say he is not so well entitled to it. I bustled on the day of theceremony through the crowd, and it was with incredible delight I heardseveral say, as my clothes walked by, 'Bless me, was ever anything sofine as the earl of Devonshire? Sure he and Sir Hugh Bigot are the twobest dressed men I ever saw. ' Now both those suits were of my making. 

"There would indeed be infinite pleasure in working for the courtiers, as they are generally genteel men, and show one's clothes to the bestadvantage, was it not for one small discouragement; this is, that theynever pay. I solemnly protest, though I lost almost as much by the courtin my life as I got by the city, I never carried a suit into the latterwith half the satisfaction which I have done to the former; though fromthat I was certain of ready money, and from this almost as certain of nomoney at all. 

"Courtiers may, however, be divided into two sorts, very essentiallydifferent from each other; into those who never intend to pay for theirclothes; and those who do intend to pay for them, but never happen to beable. Of the latter sort are many of those young gentlemen whom we equipout for the army, and who are, unhappily for us, cut off before theyarrive at preferment. This is the reason that tailors, in time of war, are mistaken for politicians by their inquisitiveness into the event ofbattles, one campaign very often proving the ruin of half-a-dozen of us. I am sure I had frequent reason to curse that fatal battle of Cardigan, where the Welsh defeated some of king Stephen's best troops, and wheremany a good suit of mine unpaid for, fell to the ground. 

"The gentlemen of this honorable calling have fared much better in laterages than when I was of it; for now it seems the fashion is, when theyapprehend their customer is not in the best circumstances, if they arenot paid as soon as they carry home the suit, they charge him in theirbook as much again as it is worth, and then send a gentleman with asmall scrip of parchment to demand the money. If this be not immediatelypaid the gentleman takes the beau with him to his house, where he lockshim up till the tailor is contented: but in my time these scrips ofparchment were not in use; and if the beau disliked paying for hisclothes, as very often happened, we had no method of compelling him. 

"In several of the characters which I have related to you, I apprehend Ihave sometimes forgot myself, and considered myself as really interestedas I was when I personated them on earth. I have just now caught myselfin the fact; for I have complained to you as bitterly of my customersas I formerly used to do when I was the tailor: but in reality, thoughthere were some few persons of very great quality, and some others, whonever paid their debts, yet those were but a few, and I had a method ofrepairing this loss. My customers I divided under three heads: those whopaid ready money, those who paid slow, and those who never paid at all. The first of these I considered apart by themselves, as persons by whomI got a certain but small profit. The two last I lumped together, makingthose who paid slow contribute to repair my losses by those who did notpay at all. Thus, upon the whole, I was a very inconsiderable loser, andmight have left a fortune to my family, had I not launched forth intoexpenses which swallowed up all my gains. I had a wife and two children. These indeed I kept frugally enough, for I half starved them; but I kepta mistress in a finer way, for whom I had a country-house, pleasantlysituated on the Thames, elegantly fitted up and neatly furnished. This woman might very properly be called my mistress, for she was mostabsolutely so; and though her tenure was no higher than by my will, she domineered as tyrannically as if my chains had been riveted in thestrongest manner. To all this I submitted, not through any adoration ofher beauty, which was indeed but indifferent. Her charms consisted inlittle wantonnesses, which she knew admirably well to use in hours ofdalliance, and which, I believe, are of all things the most delightfulto a lover. 

"She was so profusely extravagant, that it seemed as if she had anactual intent to ruin me. This I am sure of, if such had been her realintention, she could have taken no properer way to accomplish it; nay, I myself might appear to have had the same view: for, besides thisextravagant mistress and my country-house, I kept likewise a brace ofhunters, rather for that it was fashionable so to do than for any greatdelight I took in the sport, which I very little attended; not for wantof leisure, for few noblemen had so much. All the work I ever did wastaking measure, and that only of my greatest and best customers. I scareever cut a piece of cloth in my life, nor was indeed much more able tofashion a coat than any gentleman in the kingdom. This made a skillfulservant too necessary to me. He knew I must submit to any terms with, orany treatment from, him. 

"He knew it was easier for him to find another such a tailor as methan for me to procure such another workman as him: for this reason heexerted the most notorious and cruel tyranny, seldom giving me a civilword; nor could the utmost condescension on my side, though attendedwith continual presents and rewards, and raising his wages, content orplease him. In a word, he was as absolutely my master as was ever anambitious, industrious prime minister over an indolent and voluptuousking. All my other journeymen paid more respect to him than to me; forthey considered my favor as a necessary consequence of obtaining his. 

"These were the most remarkable occurrences while I acted this part. Minos hesitated a few moments, and then bid me get back again, withoutassigning any reason. "

CHAPTER XXIII

 The life of alderman Julian. 

"I now revisited England, and was born at London. My father was one ofthe magistrates of that city. He had eleven children, of whom I was theeldest. He had great success in trade, and grew extremely rich, but thelargeness of his family rendered it impossible for him to leave mea fortune sufficient to live well on independent of business. I wasaccordingly brought up to be a fishmonger, in which capacity I myselfafterwards acquired very considerable wealth. 

"The same disposition of mind which in princes is called ambition is insubjects named faction. To this temper I was greatly addicted from myyouth. I was, while a boy, a great partisan of prince John's against hisbrother Richard, during the latter's absence in the holy war and in hiscaptivity. I was no more than one-and-twenty when I first began to makepolitical speeches in public, and to endeavor to foment disquietude anddiscontent in the city. As I was pretty well qualified for this office, by a great fluency of words, an harmonious accent, a graceful delivery, and above all an invincible assurance, I had soon acquired somereputation among the younger citizens, and some of the weaker and moreinconsiderate of a riper age. This, co-operating with my own naturalvanity, made me extravagantly proud and supercilious. I soon began toesteem myself a man of some consequence, and to overlook persons everyway my superiors. 

"The famous Robin Hood, and his companion Little John, at this time madea considerable figure in Yorkshire. I took upon me to write a letterto the former, in the name of the city, inviting him to come to London, where I assured him of very good reception, signifying to him my owngreat weight and consequence, and how much I had disposed the citizensin his favor. Whether he received this letter or no I am not certain;but he never gave me any answer to it. 

"A little afterwards one William Fitz-Osborn, or, as he was nicknamed, William Long-Beard, began to make a figure in the city. He was a boldand an impudent fellow, and had raised himself to great popularity withthe rabble, by pretending to espouse their cause against the rich. Itook this man's part, and made a public oration in his favor, settinghim forth as a patriot, and one who had embarked in the causeof liberty: for which service he did not receive me with theacknowledgments I expected. However, as I thought I should easily gainthe ascendant over this fellow, I continued still firm on his side, tillthe archbishop of Canterbury, with an armed force, put an end to hisprogress: for he was seized in Bowchurch, where he had taken refuge, andwith nine of his accomplices hanged in chains. 

"I escaped narrowly myself; for I was seized in the same church with therest, and, as I had been very considerably engaged in the enterprise, the archbishop was inclined to make me an example; but my father'smerit, who had advanced a considerable sum to queen Eleanor towards theking's ransom, preserved me. 

"The consternation my danger had occasioned kept me some time quiet, andI applied myself very assiduously to my trade. I invented all mannerof methods to enhance the price of fish, and made use of my utmostendeavors to engross as much of the business as possible in my ownhands. By these means I acquired a substance which raised me to somelittle consequence in the city, but far from elevating me to that degreewhich I had formerly flattered myself with possessing at a time whenI was totally insignificant; for, in a trading society, money must atleast lay the foundation of all power and interest. 

"But as it hath been remarked that the same ambition which sentAlexander into Asia brings the wrestler on the green; and as this sameambition is as incapable as quicksilver of lying still; so I, who waspossessed perhaps of a share equal to what hath fired the blood of anyof the heroes of antiquity, was no less restless and discontentedwith ease and quiet. My first endeavors were to make myself head ofmy company, which Richard I had just published, and soon afterwards Iprocured myself to be chosen alderman. 

"Opposition is the only state which can give a subject an opportunity ofexerting the disposition I was possessed of. Accordingly, king Johnwas no sooner seated on his throne than I began to oppose his measures, whether right or wrong. It is true that monarch had faults enow. He wasso abandoned to lust and luxury, that he addicted himself to the mostextravagant excesses in both, while he indolently suffered the king ofFrance to rob him of almost all his foreign dominions: my oppositiontherefore was justifiable enough, and if my motive from within had beenas good as the occasion from without I should have had little to excuse;but, in truth, I sought nothing but my own preferment, by making myselfformidable to the king, and then selling to him the interest of thatparty by whose means I had become so. Indeed, had the public good beenmy care, however zealously I might have opposed the beginning of hisreign, I should not have scrupled to lend him my utmost assistance inthis struggle between him and pope Innocent the third, in which he wasso manifestly in the right; nor have suffered the insolence of thatpope, and the power of the king of France, to have compelled him inthe issue, basely to resign his crown into the hands of the former, andreceive it again as a vassal; by means of which acknowledgment the popeafterwards claimed this kingdom as a tributary fief to be held ofthe papal chair; a claim which occasioned great uneasiness to manysubsequent princes, and brought numberless calamities on the nation. 

"As the king had, among other concessions, stipulated to pay animmediate sum of money to Pandulph, which he had great difficulty toraise, it was absolutely necessary for him to apply to the city, wheremy interest and popularity were so high that he had no hopes without myassistance. As I knew this, I took care to sell myself and countryas high as possible. The terms I demanded, therefore, were a place, apension, and a knighthood. All those were immediately consented to. Iwas forthwith knighted, and promised the other two. 

"I now mounted the hustings, and, without any regard to decency ormodesty, made as emphatical a speech in favor of the king as beforeI had done against him. In this speech I justified all those measureswhich I had before condemned, and pleaded as earnestly with myfellow-citizens to open their purses, as I had formerly done to prevailwith them to keep them shut. But, alas! my rhetoric had not the effectI proposed. The consequence of my arguments was only contempt tomyself. The people at first stared on one another, and afterwards beganunanimously to express their dislike. An impudent fellow amongthem, reflecting on my trade, cried out, 'Stinking fish;' which wasimmediately reiterated through the whole crowd. I was then forced toslink away home; but I was not able to accomplish my retreat withoutbeing attended by the mob, who huzza'd me along the street with therepeated cries of 'Stinking fish. '

"I now proceeded to court, to inform his majesty of my faithful service, and how much I had suffered in his cause. I found by my first receptionhe had already heard of my success. Instead of thanking me for myspeech, he said the city should repent of their obstinacy, for that hewould show them who he was: and so saying, he immediately turned thatpart to me to which the toe of man hath so wonderful an affection, thatit is very difficult, whenever it presents itself conveniently, to keepour toes from the most violent and ardent salutation of it. 

"I was a little nettled at this behavior, and with some earnestnessclaimed the king's fulfilling his promise; but he retired withoutanswering me. I then applied to some of the courtiers, who had latelyprofessed great friendship to me, had eat at my house, and invited me totheirs: but not one would return me any answer, all running away from meas if I had been seized with some contagious distemper. I now found byexperience, that as none can be so civil, so none can be ruder than acourtier. 

"A few moments after the king's retiring I was left alone in the room toconsider what I should do or whither I should turn myself. My receptionin the city promised itself to be equal at least with what I found atcourt. However, there was my home, and thither it was necessary I shouldretreat for the present. 

"But, indeed, bad as I apprehended my treatment in the city would be, it exceeded my expectation. I rode home on an ambling pad through crowdswho expressed every kind of disregard and contempt; pelting me notonly with the most abusive language, but with dirt. However, with muchdifficulty I arrived at last at my own house, with my bones whole, butcovered over with filth. 

"When I was got within my doors, and had shut them against the mob, whohad pretty well vented their spleen, and seemed now contented to retire, my wife, whom I found crying over her children, and from whom Ihad hoped some comfort in my afflictions, fell upon me in the mostoutrageous manner. She asked me why I would venture on such a step, without consulting her; she said her advice might have been civillyasked, if I was resolved not to have been guided by it. That, whateveropinion I might have conceived of her understanding, the rest of theworld thought better of it. That I had never failed when I had askedher counsel, nor ever succeeded without it;--with much more of thesame kind, too tedious to mention; concluding that it was a monstrousbehavior to desert my party and come over to the court. 

"An abuse which I took worse than all the rest, as she had beenconstantly for several years assiduous in railing at the opposition, in siding with the court-party, and begging me to come over to it; andespecially after my mentioning the offer of knighthood to her, sincewhich time she had continually interrupted my repose with dinning inmy ears the folly of refusing honors and of adhering to a party and toprinciples by which I was certain of procuring no advantage to myselfand my family. 

"I had now entirely lost my trade, so that I had not the leasttemptation to stay longer in a city where I was certain of receivingdaily affronts and rebukes. I therefore made up my affairs with theutmost expedition, and, scraping together all I could, retired into thecountry, where I spent the remainder of my days in universal contempt, being shunned by everybody, perpetually abused by my wife, and not muchrespected by my children. 

"Minos told me, though I had been a very vile fellow, he thought mysufferings made some atonement, and so bid me take the other trial. "

CHAPTER XXIV

 Julian recounts what happened to him while he was a poet. 

"Rome was now the seat of my nativity, where I was born of a family moreremarkable for honor than riches. I was intended for the church, andhad a pretty good education; but my father dying while I was young, andleaving me nothing, for he had wasted his whole patrimony, I was forcedto enter myself in the order of mendicants. 

"When I was at school I had a knack of rhyming, which I unhappilymistook for genius, and indulged to my cost; for my verses drew on meonly ridicule, and I was in contempt called the poet. 

"This humor pursued me through my life. My first composition after Ileft school was a panegyric on pope Alexander IV, who then pretended aproject of dethroning the king of Sicily. On this subject I composed apoem of about fifteen thousand lines, which with much difficulty I gotto be presented to his holiness, of whom I expected great preferment asmy reward; but I was cruelly disappointed: for when I had waited a year, without hearing any of the commendations I had flattered myself withreceiving, and being now able to contain no longer, I applied to aJesuit who was my relation, and had the pope's ear, to know what hisholiness's opinion was of my work: he coldly answered me that he wasat that time busied in concerns of too much importance to attend thereading of poems. 

"However dissatisfied I might be, and really was, with this reception, and however angry I was with the pope? for whose understanding Ientertained an immoderate contempt, I was not yet discouraged froma second attempt. Accordingly, I soon after produced another work, entitled, The Trojan Horse. This was an allegorical work, in which thechurch was introduced into the world in the same manner as that machinehad been into Troy. The priests were the soldiers in its belly, and theheathen superstition the city to be destroyed by them. This poem waswritten in Latin. I remember some of the lines:--

 Mundanos scandit fatalis machina muros, Farta sacerdotum turmis: exinde per alvum Visi exire omnes, maguo cum murmure olentes. Non aliter quam cum llumanis furibundus ab antris It sonus et nares simul aura invadit hiantes. Mille scatent et mille alii; trepidare timore Ethnica gens coepit: falsi per inane volantes Effugere Dei--Desertaque templa relinquunt. Jam magnum crepitavit equus, mox orbis et alti Ingemuere poli: tunc tu pater, ultimus omnium Maxime Alexander, ventrem maturus equinum Deseris, heu proles meliori digne parente. "

"I believe Julian, had I not stopped him, would have gone through thewhole poem (for, as I observed in most of the characters he related, theaffections he had enjoyed while he personated them on earth still madesome impression on him); but I begged him to omit the sequel of thepoem, and proceed with his history. He then recollected himself, and, smiling at the observation which by intuition he perceived I had made, continued his narration as follows:--

"I confess to you, " says he, "that the delight in repeating our ownworks is so predominant in a poet, that I find nothing can totally rootit out of the soul. Happy would it be for those persons if their hearerscould be delighted in the same manner: but alas! hence that ingenssolitudo complained of by Horace: for the vanity of mankind is so muchgreedier and more general than their avarice, that no beggar is so illreceived by them as he who solicits their praise. 

"This I sufficiently experienced in the character of a poet; for mycompany was shunned (I believe on this account chiefly) by my wholehouse: nay, there were few who would submit to hearing me read mypoetry, even at the price of sharing in my provisions. The onlyperson who gave me audience was a brother poet; he indeed fed me withcommendation very liberally: but, as I was forced to hear and commend inmy turn, I perhaps bought his attention dear enough. 

"Well, sir, if my expectations of the reward I hoped from my first poemhad balked me, I had now still greater reason to complain; for, insteadof being preferred or commended for the second, I was enjoined a verysevere penance by my superior, for ludicrously comparing the pope to af--t. My poetry was now the jest of every company, except some few whospoke of it with detestation; and I found that, instead of recommendingme to preferment, it had effectually barred me from all probability ofattaining it. 

"These discouragements had now induced me to lay down my pen and writeno more. But, as Juvenal says, --Si discedas, Laqueo tenet ambitiosi Consuetudo mali. 

"I was an example of the truth of this assertion, for I soon betookmyself again to my muse. Indeed, a poet hath the same happiness with aman who is dotingly fond of an ugly woman. The one enjoys his muse, andthe other his mistress, with a pleasure very little abated by the esteemof the world, and only undervalues their taste for not correspondingwith his own. 

"It is unnecessary to mention any more of my poems; they had all thesame fate; and though in reality some of my latter pieces deserved (Imay now speak it without the imputation of vanity) a better success, as I had the character of a bad writer, I found it impossible ever toobtain the reputation of a good one. Had I possessed the merit of HomerI could have hoped for no applause; since it must have been a profoundsecret; for no one would now read a syllable of my writings. 

"The poets of my age were, as I believe you know, not very famous. However, there was one of some credit at that time, though I have theconsolation to know his works are all perished long ago. The malice, envy, and hatred I bore this man are inconceivable to any but an author, and an unsuccessful one; I never could bear to hear him well spokenof, and writ anonymous satires against him, though I had receivedobligations from him; indeed I believe it would have been an absoluteimpossibility for him at any rate to have made me sincerely his friend. 

"I have heard an observation which was made by some one of later days, that there are no worse men than bad authors. A remark of the same kindhath been made on ugly women, and the truth of both stands on one andthe same reason, viz. , that they are both tainted with that cursed anddetestable vice of envy; which, as it is the greatest torment to themind it inhabits, so is it capable of introducing into it a totalcorruption, and of inspiring it to the commission of the most horridcrimes imaginable. 

"My life was but short; for I soon pined myself to death with the vice Ijust now mentioned. Minos told me I was infinitely too bad for Elysium;and as for the other place, the devil had sworn he would never entertaina poet for Orpheus's sake: so I was forced to return again to the placefrom whence I came. "

CHAPTER XXV

 Julian performs the parts of a knight and a dancing-master. 

"I now mounted the stage in Sicily, and became a knight-templar; but, as my adventures differ so little from those I have recounted you in thecharacter of a common soldier, I shall not tire you with repetition. Thesoldier and the captain differ in reality so little from one another, that it requires an accurate judgment to distinguish them; the latterwears finer clothes, and in times of success lives somewhat moredelicately; but as to everything else, they very nearly resemble oneanother. 

"My next step was into France, where fortune assigned me the part of adancing-master. I was so expert in my profession that I was brought tocourt in my youth, and had the heels of Philip de Valois, who afterwardssucceeded Charles the Fair, committed to my direction. 

"I do not remember that in any of the characters in which I appeared onearth I ever assumed to myself a greater dignity, or thought myselfof more real importance, than now. I looked on dancing as the greatestexcellence of human nature, and on myself as the greatest proficientin it. And, indeed, this seemed to be the general opinion of the wholecourt; for I was the chief instructor of the youth of both sexes, whosemerit was almost entirely defined by the advances they made in thatscience which I had the honor to profess. As to myself, I was so fullypersuaded of this truth, that I not only slighted and despised those whowere ignorant of dancing, but I thought the highest character Icould give any man was that he made a graceful bow: for want of whichaccomplishment I had a sovereign contempt for most persons of learning;nay, for some officers in the army, and a few even of the courtiersthemselves. 

"Though so little of my youth had been thrown away in what they callliterature that I could hardly write and read, yet I composed a treatiseon education; the first rudiments of which, as I taught, were toinstruct a child in the science of coming handsomely into a room. Inthis I corrected many faults of my predecessors, particularly that ofbeing too much in a hurry, and instituting a child in the sublimer partsof dancing before they are capable of making their honors. 

"But as I have not now the same high opinion of my profession which Ihad then, I shall not entertain you with a long history of a life whichconsisted of borees and coupees. Let it suffice that I lived to a veryold age and followed my business as long as I could crawl. At length Irevisited my old friend Minos, who treated me with very little respectand bade me dance back again to earth. 

 "I did so, and was now once more born an Englishman, bred up tothe church, and at length arrived to the station of a bishop. 

"Nothing was so remarkable in this character as my always voting--[10]. "

BOOK XIX

CHAPTER VII

 Wherein Anna Boleyn relates the history of her life. 

"I am going now truly to recount a life which from the time of itsceasing has been, in the other world, the continual subject of thecavils of contending parties; the one making me as black as hell, theother as pure and innocent as the inhabitants of this blessed place; themist of prejudice blinding their eyes, and zeal for what they themselvesprofess, making everything appear in that light which they think mostconduces to its honor. 

"My infancy was spent in my father's house, in those childish playswhich are most suitable to that state, and I think this was one of thehappiest parts of my life; for my parents were not among the numberof those who look upon their children as so many objects of a tyrannicpower, but I was regarded as the dear pledge of a virtuous love, and allmy little pleasures were thought from their indulgence their greatestdelight. At seven years old I was carried into France with the king'ssister, who was married to the French king, where I lived with a personof quality, who was an acquaintance of my father's. I spent my timein learning those things necessary to give young persons of fashion apolite education, and did neither good nor evil, but day passed afterday in the same easy way till I was fourteen; then began my anxiety, myvanity grew strong, and my heart fluttered with joy at every complimentpaid to my beauty: and as the lady with whom I lived was of a gay, cheerful disposition, she kept a great deal of company, and my youth andcharms made me the continual object of their admiration. I passed somelittle time in those exulting raptures which are felt by every womanperfectly satisfied with herself and with the behavior of otherstowards her: I was, when very young, promoted to be maid of honor to hermajesty. The court was frequented by a young nobleman whose beautywas the chief subject of conversation in all assemblies of ladies. Thedelicacy of his person, added to a great softness in his manner, gaveeverything he said and did such an air of tenderness, that every womanhe spoke to flattered herself with being the object of his love. I wasone of those who was vain enough of my own charms to hope to make aconquest of him whom the whole court sighed for. I now thought everyother object below my notice; yet the only pleasure I proposed to myselfin this design was, the triumphing over that heart which I plainly sawall the ladies of the highest quality and the greatest beauty would havebeen proud of possessing. I was yet too young to be very artful; butnature, without any assistance, soon discovers to a man who is usedto gallantry a woman's desire to be liked by him, whether that desirearises from any particular choice she makes of him, or only fromvanity. He soon perceived my thoughts, and gratified my utmost wishes byconstantly preferring me before all other women, and exerting his utmostgallantry and address to engage my affections. This sudden happiness, which I then thought the greatest I could have had, appeared visible inall my actions; I grew so gay and so full of vivacity that it mademy person appear still to a better advantage, all my acquaintancepretending to be fonder of me than ever: though, young as I was, Iplainly saw it was but pretense, for through all their endeavors to thecontrary envy would often break forth in sly insinuations andmalicious sneers, which gave me fresh matter of triumph, and frequentopportunities of insulting them, which I never let slip, for now firstmy female heart grew sensible of the spiteful pleasure of seeing anotherlanguish for what I enjoyed. Whilst I was in the height of my happinessher majesty fell ill of a languishing distemper, which obliged her to gointo the country for the change of air: my place made it necessary forme to attend her, and which way he brought it about I can't imagine, butmy young hero found means to be one of that small train that waited onmy royal mistress, although she went as privately as possible. Hithertoall the interviews I had ever had with him were in public, and I onlylooked on him as the fitter object to feed that pride which had no otherview but to show its power; but now the scene was quite changed. Myrivals, were all at a distance: the place we went to was as charmingas the most agreeable natural situation, assisted by the greatest art, could make it; the pleasant solitary walks the singing of birds, thethousand pretty romantic scenes this delightful place afforded, gave asudden turn to my mind; my whole soul was melted into softness, and allmy vanity was fled. My spark was too much used to affairs of this naturenot to perceive this change; at first the profuse transports of his joymade me believe him wholly mine, and this belief gave me such happinessthat no language affords words to express it, and can be only known tothose who have felt it. But this was of a very short duration, forI soon found I had to do with one of those men whose only end in thepursuit of a woman is to make her fall a victim to an insatiable desireto be admired. His designs had succeeded, and now he every day grewcolder, and, as if by infatuation, my passion every day increased; and, notwithstanding all my resolutions and endeavors to the contrary, myrage at the disappointment at once both of my love and pride, and at thefinding a passion fixed in my breast I knew not how to conquer, brokeout into that inconsistent behavior which must always be the consequenceof violent passions. One moment I reproached him, the next I grew totenderness and blamed myself, and thought I fancied what was not true:he saw my struggle and triumphed in it; but, as he had not witnessesenough there of his victory to give him the full enjoyment of it, he grew weary of the country and returned to Paris, and left me in acondition it is utterly impossible to describe. My mind was like a cityup in arms, all confusion; and every new thought was a fresh disturberof my peace. Sleep quite forsook me, and the anxiety I suffered threw meinto a fever which had like to have cost me my life. With great care Irecovered, but the violence of the distemper left such a weakness onmy body that the disturbance of my mind was greatly assuaged; and now Ibegan to comfort myself in the reflection that this gentleman's beinga finished coquette was very likely the only thing could have preservedme; for he was the only man from whom I was ever in any danger. By thattime I was got tolerably well we returned to Paris; and I confess I bothwished and feared to see this cause of all my pain: however, I hoped, by the help of my resentment, to be able to meet him with indifference. This employed my thoughts till our arrival. The next day there was avery full court to congratulate the queen on her recovery; and amongstthe rest my love appeared dressed and adorned as if he designed somenew conquest. Instead of seeing a woman he despised and slighted, he approached me with that assured air which is common to successfulcoxcombs. At the same time I perceived I was surrounded by all thoseladies who were on his account my greatest enemies, and, in revenge, wished for nothing more than to see me make a ridiculous figure. Thissituation so perplexed my thoughts, that when he came near enough tospeak to me, I fainted away in his arms. Had I studied which way Icould gratify him most, it was impossible to have done anything to havepleased him more. Some that stood by brought smelling-bottles, and usedmeans for my recovery; and I was welcomed to returning life by all thoserepartees which women enraged by envy are capable of venting. One cried'Well, I never thought my lord had anything so frightful in his personor so fierce in his manner as to strike a young lady dead at the sightof him. ' 'No, no, ' says another, 'some ladies' senses are more apt tobe hurried by agreeable than disagreeable objects. ' With many more suchsort of speeches which showed more malice than wit. This not being ableto bear, trembling, and with but just strength enough to move, I crawledto my coach and hurried home. When I was alone, and thought on what hadhappened to me in a public court, I was at first driven to the utmostdespair; but afterwards, when I came to reflect, I believe this accidentcontributed more to my being cured of my passion than any other couldhave done. I began to think the only method to pique the man who hadused me so barbarously, and to be revenged on my spiteful rivals, was torecover that beauty which was then languid and had lost its luster, tolet them see I had still charms enough to engage as many lovers asI could desire, and that I could yet rival them who had thus cruellyinsulted me. These pleasing hopes revived my sinking spirits, and workeda more effectual cure on me than all the philosophy and advice of thewisest men could have done. I now employed all my time and care inadorning my person, and studying the surest means of engaging theaffections of others, while I myself continued quite indifferent; forI resolved for the future, if ever one soft thought made its way to myheart, to fly the object of it, and by new lovers to drive the imagefrom my breast. I consulted my glass every morning, and got such acommand of my countenance that I could suit it to the different tastesof variety of lovers; and though I was young, for I was not yetabove seventeen, yet my public way of life gave me such continualopportunities of conversing with men, and the strong desire I now hadof pleasing them led me to make such constant observations on everythingthey said or did, that I soon found out the different methods of dealingwith them. I observed that most men generally liked in women what wasmost opposite to their own characters; therefore to the grave solid manof sense I endeavored to appear sprightly and full of spirit; to thewitty and gay, soft and languishing; to the amorous (for they wantno increase of their passions), cold and reserved; to the fearful andbackward, warm and full of fire; and so of all the rest. As to beaux, and all of those sort of men, whose desires are centered in thesatisfaction of their vanity, I had learned by sad experience theonly way to deal with them was to laugh at them and let their own goodopinion of themselves be the only support of their hopes. I knew, whileI could get other followers, I was sure of them; for the only sign ofmodesty they ever give is that of not depending on their own judgments, but following the opinions of the greatest number. Thus furnished withmaxims, and grown wise by past errors, I in a manner began the worldagain: I appeared in all public places handsomer and more lively thanever, to the amazement of every one who saw me and had heard of theaffair between me and my lord. He himself was much surprised and vexedat this sudden change, nor could he account how it was possible forme so soon to shake off those chains he thought he had fixed on mefor life; nor was he willing to lose his conquest in this manner. Heendeavored by all means possible to talk to me again of love, but Istood fixed to my resolution (in which I was greatly assisted by thecrowd of admirers that daily surrounded me) never to let him explainhimself: for, notwithstanding all my pride, I found the first impressionthe heart receives of love is so strong that it requires the mostvigilant care to prevent a relapse. Now I lived three years in aconstant round of diversions, and was made the perfect idol of all themen that came to court of all ages and all characters. I had severalgood matches offered me, but I thought none of them equal to mymerit; and one of my greatest pleasures was to see those women who hadpretended to rival me often glad to marry those whom I had refused. Yet, notwithstanding this great success of my schemes, I cannot say I wasperfectly happy; for every woman that was taken the least notice of, andevery man that was insensible to my arts, gave me as much pain as allthe rest gave me pleasure; and sometimes little underhand plots whichwere laid against my designs would succeed in spite of my care: so thatI really began to grow weary of this manner of life, when my father, returning from his embassy in France, took me home with him, and carriedme to a little pleasant country-house, where there was nothing grandor superfluous, but everything neat and agreeable. There I led a lifeperfectly solitary. At first the time hung very heavy on my hands, andI wanted all kind of employment, and I had very like to have fallen intothe height of the vapors, from no other reason but from want of knowingwhat to do with myself. But when I had lived here a little time I foundsuch a calmness in my mind, and such a difference between this and therestless anxieties I had experienced in a court, that I began to sharethe tranquillity that visibly appeared in everything round me. I setmyself to do works of fancy, and to raise little flower-gardens, withmany such innocent rural amusements; which, although they are notcapable of affording any great pleasure, yet they give that serene turnto the mind which I think much preferable to anything else human natureis made susceptible of. I now resolved to spend the rest of my dayshere, and that nothing should allure me from that sweet retirement, tobe again tossed about with tempestuous passions of any kind. WhilstI was in this situation, my lord Percy, the earl of Northumberland'seldest son, by an accident of losing his way after a fox-chase, was metby my father, about a mile from our house; he came home with him, onlywith a design of dining with us, but was so taken with me that he stayedthree days. I had too much experience in all affairs of this kind notto see presently the influence I had on him; but I was at that timeso entirely free from all ambition, that even the prospect of being acountess had no effect on me; and I then thought nothing in the worldcould have bribed me to have changed my way of life. This young lord, who was just in his bloom, found his passion so strong, he could notendure a long absence, but returned again in a week, and endeavored, byall the means he could think of, to engage me to return his affection. He addressed me with that tenderness and respect which women on earththink can flow from nothing but real love; and very often told me that, unless he could be so happy as by his assiduity and care to make himselfagreeable to me, although he knew my father would eagerly embrace anyproposal from him, yet he would suffer that last of miseries of neverseeing me more rather than owe his own happiness to anything that mightbe the least contradiction to my inclinations. This manner of proceedinghad something in it so noble and generous, that by degrees it raised asensation in me which I know not how to describe, nor by what nameto call it: it was nothing like my former passion: for there was noturbulence, no uneasy waking nights attending it, but all I could withhonor grant to oblige him appeared to me to be justly due to his truthand love, and more the effect of gratitude than of any desire of my own. The character I had heard of him from my father at my first returningto England, in discoursing of the young nobility, convinced me that ifI was his wife I should have the perpetual satisfaction of knowing everyaction of his must be approved by all the sensible part of mankind; sothat very soon I began to have no scruple left but that of leaving mylittle scene of quietness, and venturing again into the world. Butthis, by his continual application and submissive behavior, by degreesentirely vanished, and I agreed he should take his own time to breakit to my father, whose consent he was not long in obtaining; for sucha match was by no means to be refused. There remained nothing now to bedone but to prevail with the earl of Northumberland to comply with whathis son so ardently desired; for which purpose he set out immediatelyfor London, and begged it as the greatest favor that I would accompanymy father, who was also to go thither the week following. I could notrefuse his request, and as soon as we arrived in town he flew to me withthe greatest raptures to inform me his father was so good that, findinghis happiness depended on his answer, he had given him free leave toact in this affair as would best please himself, and that he had now noobstacle to prevent his wishes. It was then the beginning of the winter, and the time for our marriage was fixed for the latter end of March: theconsent of all parties made his access to me very easy, and we conversedtogether both with innocence and pleasure. As his fondness was so greatthat he contrived all the methods possible to keep me continually in hissight, he told me one morning he was commanded by his father to attendhim to court that evening, and begged I would be so good as to meethim there. I was now so used to act as he would have me that I made nodifficulty of complying with his desire. Two days after this, I was verymuch surprised at perceiving such a melancholy in his countenance, and alteration in his behavior, as I could no way account for; but, by importunity, at last I got from him that cardinal Wolsey, for whatreason he knew not, had peremptorily forbid him to think any more ofme: and, when he urged that his father was not displeased with it, thecardinal, in his imperious manner, answered him, he should give hisfather such convincing reasons why it would be attended with greatinconveniences, that he was sure he could bring him to be of hisopinion. On which he turned from him, and gave him no opportunity ofreplying. I could not imagine what design the cardinal could have inintermeddling in this match, and I was still more perplexed to find thatmy father treated my lord Percy with much more coldness than usual; hetoo saw it, and we both wondered what could possibly be the cause of allthis. But it was not long before the mystery was all made clear by myfather, who, sending for me one day into his chamber, let me into asecret which was as little wished for as expected. He began with thesurprising effects of youth and beauty, and the madness of letting gothose advantages they might procure us till it was too late, when wemight wish in vain to bring them back again. I stood amazed at thisbeginning; he saw my confusion, and bid me sit down and attend to whathe was going to tell me, which was of the greatest consequence; and hehoped I would be wise enough to take his advice, and act as he shouldthink best for my future welfare. He then asked me if I should not bemuch pleased to be a queen? I answered, with the greatest earnestness, that, so far from it, I would not live in a court again to be thegreatest queen in the world; that I had a lover who was both desirousand able to raise my station even beyond my wishes. I found thisdiscourse was very displeasing; my father frowned, and called me aromantic fool, and said if I would hearken to him he could make me aqueen; for the cardinal had told him that the king, from the time hesaw me at court the other night, liked me, and intended to get a divorcefrom his wife, and to put me in her place; and ordered him to find somemethod to make me a maid of honor to her present majesty, that in themeantime he might have an opportunity of seeing me. It is impossible toexpress the astonishment these words threw me into; and, notwithstandingthat the moment before, when it appeared at so great a distance, I wasvery sincere in my declaration how much it was against my will to beraised so high, yet now the prospect came nearer, I confess my heartfluttered, and my eyes were dazzled with a view of being seated on athrone. 

"My imagination presented before me all the pomp, power and greatnessthat attend a crown; and I was so perplexed I knew not what to answer, but remained as silent as if I had lost the use of my speech. My father, who guessed what it was that made me in this condition, proceeded tobring all the arguments he thought most likely to bend me to his will;at last I recovered from this dream of grandeur, and begged him, by allthe most endearing names I could think of, not to urge me dishonorablyto forsake the man who I was convinced would raise me to an empire if inhis power, and who had enough in his power to give me all I desired. Buthe was deaf to all I could say, and insisted that by next week I shouldprepare myself to go to court: he bid me consider of it, and not prefera ridiculous notion of honor to the real interest of my whole family;but, above all things, not to disclose what he had trusted me with. Onwhich he left me to my own thoughts. When I was alone I reflected howlittle real tenderness this behavior showed to me, whose happiness hedid not at all consult, but only looked on me as a ladder, on whichhe could climb to the height of his own ambitious desires: and whenI thought on his fondness for me in my infancy I could impute it tonothing but either the liking me as a plaything or the gratification ofhis vanity in my beauty. But I was too much divided between a crown andmy engagement to lord Percy to spend much time in thinking of anythingelse; and, although my father had positively forbid me, yet, when hecame next, I could not help acquainting him with all that had passed, with the reserve only of the struggle in my own mind on the firstmention of being a queen. I expected he would have received the newswith the greatest agonies; but he showed no vast emotion: however, hecould not help turning pale, and, taking me by the hand, looked at mewith an air of tenderness, and said, 'If being a queen would make youhappy, and it is in your power to be so, I would not for the worldprevent it, let me suffer what I will. ' This amazing greatness of mindhad on me quite the contrary effect from what it ought to have had; for, instead of increasing my love for him it almost put an end to it, and Ibegan to think, if he could part with me, the matter was not much. AndI am convinced, when any man gives up the possession of a woman whoseconsent he has once obtained, let his motive be ever so generous, hewill disoblige her. I could not help showing my dissatisfaction, andtold him I was very glad this affair sat so easily on him. He hadnot power to answer, but was so suddenly struck with this unexpectedill-natured turn I gave his behavior, that he stood amazed for sometime, and then bowed and left me. Now I was again left to my ownreflections; but to make anything intelligible out of them is quiteimpossible: I wished to be a queen, and wished I might not be one: Iwould have my lord Percy happy without me; and yet I would not have thepower of my charms be so weak that he could bear the thought of lifeafter being disappointed in my love. But the result of all theseconfused thoughts was a resolution to obey my father. I am afraid therewas not much duty in the case, though at that time I was glad to takehold of that small shadow to save me from looking on my own actionsin the true light. When my lover came again I looked on him withthat coldness that he could not bear, on purpose to rid myself of allimportunity: for since I had resolved to use him ill I regarded him asthe monument of my shame, and his every look appeared to me to upbraidme. My father soon carried me to court; there I had no very hard partto act; for, with the experience I had had of mankind, I could find nogreat difficulty in managing a man who liked me, and for whom I not onlydid not care but had an utter aversion to: but this aversion he believedto be virtue; for how credulous is a man who has an inclination tobelieve! And I took care sometimes to drop words of cottages and love, and how happy the woman was who fixed her affections on a man in such astation of life that she might show her love without being suspected ofhypocrisy or mercenary views. All this was swallowed very easily by theamorous king, who pushed on the divorce with the utmost impetuosity, although the affair lasted a good while, and I remained most part ofthe time behind the curtain. Whenever the king mentioned it to me I usedsuch arguments against it as I thought the most likely to make himthe more eager for it; begging that, unless his conscience was reallytouched, he would not on my account give any grief to his virtuousqueen; for in being her handmaid I thought myself highly honored; andthat I would not only forego a crown, but even give up the pleasure ofever seeing him more, rather than wrong my royal mistress. This way oftalking, joined to his eager desire to possess my person, convinced theking so strongly of my exalted merit, that he thought it a meritoriousact to displace the woman (whom he could not have so good an opinion of, because he was tired of her), and to put me in her place. After about ayear's stay at court, as the king's love to me began to be talked of, itwas thought proper to remove me, that there might be no umbrage givento the queen's party. I was forced to comply with this, though greatlyagainst my will; for I was very jealous that absence might change theking's mind. I retired again with my father to his country-seat, butit had no longer those charms for me which I once enjoyed there; for mymind was now too much taken up with ambition to make room for any otherthoughts. During my stay here, my royal lover often sent gentlemen tome with messages and letters, which I always answered in the manner Ithought would best bring about my designs, which were to come back againto court. In all the letters that passed between us there was somethingso kingly and commanding in his, and so deceitful and submissive inmine, that I sometimes could not help reflecting on the differencebetwixt this correspondence and that with lord Percy; yet I was sopressed forward by the desire of a crown, I could not think of turningback. In all I wrote I continually praised his resolution of letting mebe at a distance from him, since at this time it conduced indeed to myhonor; but, what was of ten times more weight with me, I thought it wasnecessary for his; and I would sooner suffer anything in the world thanbe any means of hurt to him, either in his interest or reputation. I always gave some hints of ill health, with some reflections hownecessary the peace of the mind was to that of the body. By these meansI brought him to recall me again by the most absolute command, which I, for a little time, artfully delayed (for I knew the impatience of histemper would not bear any contradictions), till he made my father ina manner force me to what I most wished, with the utmost appearance ofreluctance on my side. When I had gained this point I began to thinkwhich way I could separate the king from the queen, for hitherto theylived in the same house. The lady Mary, the queen's daughter, beingthen about sixteen, I sought for emissaries of her own age that I couldconfide in, to instill into her mind disrespectful thoughts of herfather, and make a jest of the tenderness of his conscience about thedivorce. I knew she had naturally strong passions, and that young peopleof that age are apt to think those that pretend to be their friends arereally so, and only speak their minds freely. I afterwards contrived tohave every word she spoke of him carried to the king, who took it allas I could wish, and fancied those things did not come at first from theyoung lady, but from her mother. He would often talk of it to me, andI agreed with him in his sentiments; but then, as a great proof of mygoodness, I always endeavored to excuse her, by saying a lady so longtime used to be a royal queen might naturally be a little exasperatedwith those she fancied would throw her from that station she so justlydeserved. By these sort of plots I found the way to make the king angrywith the queen; for nothing is easier than to make a man angry with awoman he wants to be rid of, and who stands in the way between himand his pleasure; so that now the king, on the pretense of the queen'sobstinacy in a point where his conscience was so tenderly concerned, parted with her. Everything was now plain before me; I had nothingfarther to do but to let the king alone to his own desires; and I had noreason to fear, since they had carried him so far, but that they wouldurge him on to do everything I aimed at. I was created marchioness ofPembroke. This dignity sat very easy on me; for the thoughts of a muchhigher title took from me all feeling of this; and I looked upon beinga marchioness as a trifle, not that I saw the bauble in its true light, but because it fell short of what I had figured to myself I should soonobtain. The king's desires grew very impatient, and it was not longbefore I was privately married to him. I was no sooner his wife than Ifound all the queen come upon me; I felt myself conscious of royalty, and even the faces of my most intimate acquaintance seemed to me to bequite strange. I hardly knew them: height had turned my head, and I waslike a man placed on a monument, to whose sight all creatures at a greatdistance below him appear like so many little pigmies crawling abouton the earth; and the prospect so greatly delighted me, that I did notpresently consider that in both cases descending a few steps erectedby human hands would place us in the number of those very pigmies whoappeared so despicable. Our marriage was kept private for some time, forit was not thought proper to make it public (the affair of the divorcenot being finished) till the birth of my daughter Elizabeth made itnecessary. But all who saw me knew it; for my manner of speaking andacting was so much changed with my station, that all around me plainlyperceived I was sure I was a queen. While it was a secret I had yetsomething to wish for; I could not be perfectly satisfied till all theworld was acquainted with my fortune: but when my coronation was over, and I was raised to the height of my ambition, instead of finding myselfhappy, I was in reality more miserable than ever; for, besides thatthe aversion I had naturally to the king was much more difficultto dissemble after marriage than before, and grew into a perfectdetestation, my imagination, which had thus warmly pursued a crown, grewcool when I was in the possession of it, and gave me time to reflectwhat mighty matter I had gained by all this bustle; and I often used tothink myself in the case of the fox-hunter, who, when he has toiled andsweated all day in the chase as if some unheard-of blessing was to crownhis success, finds at last all he has got by his labor is a stinkingnauseous animal. But my condition was yet worse than his; for he leavesthe loathsome wretch to be torn by his hounds, whilst I was obliged tofondle mine, and meanly pretend him to be the object of my love. For thewhole time I was in this envied, this exalted state, I led a continuallife of hypocrisy, which I now know nothing on earth can compensate. Ihad no companion but the man I hated. I dared not disclose my sentimentsto any person about me, nor did any one presume to enter into anyfreedom of conversation with me; but all who spoke to me talked to thequeen, and not to me; for they would have said just the same things toa dressed-up puppet, if the king had taken a fancy to call it his wife. And as I knew every woman in the court was my enemy, from thinking shehad much more right than I had to the place I filled, I thought myselfas unhappy as if I had been placed in a wild wood, where there was nohuman creature for me to speak to, in a continual fear of leaving anytraces of my footsteps, lest I should be found by some dreadful monster, or stung by snakes and adders; for such are spiteful women to theobjects of their envy. In this worst of all situations I was obliged tohide my melancholy and appear cheerful. This threw me into an error theother way, and I sometimes fell into a levity in my behavior that wasafterwards made use of to my disadvantage. I had a son deadborn, which Iperceived abated something of the king's ardor; for his temper couldnot brook the least disappointment. This gave me no uneasiness; for, notconsidering the consequences, I could not help being best pleased when Ihad least of his company. Afterwards I found he had cast his eyes on oneof my maids of honor; and, whether it was owing to any art of hers, oronly to the king's violent passions, I was in the end used even worsethan my former mistress had been by my means. The decay of theking's affection was presently seen by all those court-sycophants whocontinually watch the motions of royal eyes; and the moment they foundthey could be heard against me they turned my most innocent actions andwords, nay, even my very looks, into proofs of the blackest crimes. Theking, who was impatient to enjoy his new love, lent a willing ear to allmy accusers, who found ways of making him jealous that I was falseto his bed. He would not so easily have believed anything against mebefore, but he was now glad to flatter himself that he had found areason to do just what he had resolved upon without a reason; and onsome slight pretenses and hearsay evidence I was sent to the Tower, where the lady who was my greatest enemy was appointed to watch me andlie in the same chamber with me. This was really as bad a punishment asmy death, for she insulted me with those keen reproaches and spitefulwitticisms, which threw me into such vapors and violent fits that Iknew not what I uttered in this condition. She pretended I had confessedtalking ridiculous stuff with a set of low fellows whom I had hardlyever taken notice of, as could have imposed on none but such as wereresolved to believe. I was brought to my trial, and, to blacken me themore, accused of conversing criminally with my own brother, whom indeedI loved extremely well, but never looked on him in any other light thanas my friend. However, I was condemned to be beheaded, or burnt, as theking pleased; and he was graciously pleased, from the great remains ofhis love, to choose the mildest sentence. I was much less shocked atthis manner of ending my life than I should have been in any otherstation: but I had had so little enjoyment from the time I had been aqueen, that death was the less dreadful to me. The chief things that layon my conscience were the arts I made use of to induce the king to partwith the queen, my ill usage of lady Mary, and my jilting lord Percy. However, I endeavored to calm my mind as well as I could, and hopedthese crimes would be forgiven me; for in other respects I had led avery innocent life, and always did all the good-natured actions I foundany opportunity of doing. From the time I had it in my power, I gave agreat deal of money amongst the poor; I prayed very devoutly, and wentto my execution very composedly. Thus I lost my life at the age oftwenty-nine, in which short time I believe I went through more varietyof scenes than many people who live to be very old. I had lived in acourt, where I spent my time in coquetry and gayety; I had experiencedwhat it was to have one of those violent passions which makes themind all turbulence and anxiety; I had had a lover whom I esteemed andvalued, and at the latter part of my life I was raised to a station ashigh as the vainest woman could wish. But in all these various changesI never enjoyed any real satisfaction, unless in the little time I livedretired in the country free from all noise and hurry, and while I wasconscious I was the object of the love and esteem of a man of sense andhonor. "

On the conclusion of this history Minos paused for a small time, andthen ordered the gate to be thrown open for Anna Boleyn's admittanceon the consideration that whoever had suffered being the queen for fouryears, and been sensible during all that time of the real misery whichattends that exalted station, ought to be forgiven whatever she had doneto obtain it. [11]

Footnotes:

[Footnote 1: Some doubt whether this should not be rather 1641, whichis a date more agreeable to the account given of it in the introduction:but then there are some passages which seem to relate to transactionsinfinitely later, even within this year or two. To say the truth thereare difficulties attending either conjecture; so the reader may takewhich he pleases. ]

[Footnote 2: Eyes are not perhaps so properly adapted to a spiritualsubstance; but we are here, as in many other places, obliged to usecorporeal terms to make ourselves the better understood. ]

[Footnote 3: This is the dress in which the god appears to mortals atthe theaters. One of the offices attributed to this god by the ancients, was to collect the ghosts as a shepherd doth a flock of sheep, and drivethem with his wand into the other world. ]

[Footnote 4: Those who have read of the gods sleeping in Homer will notbe surprised at this happening to spirits. ]

[Footnote 5: A particular lady of quality is meant here; but everylady of quality, or no quality, are welcome to apply the character tothemselves. ]

[Footnote 6: We have before made an apology for this language, whichwe here repeat for the last time; though the heart may, we hope, bemetaphorically used here with more propriety than when we apply thosepassions to the body which belong to the soul. ]

[Footnote 7: That we may mention it once for all, in the panegyricalpart of this work some particular person is always meant: but, in thesatirical, nobody. ]

[Footnote 8: These ladies, I believe, by their names, presided over theleprosy, king's-evil, and scurvy. ]

[Footnote 9: This silly story is told as a solemn truth (i. E. , thatSt. James really appeared in the manner this fellow is described) byMariana, 1. 7, Section 78. ]

[Footnote 10: Here part of the manuscript is lost, and that a veryconsiderable one, as appears by the number of the next book and chapter, which contains, I find, the history of Anna Boleyn; but as to the mannerin which it was introduced, or to whom the narrative is told, we aretotally left in the dark. I have only to remark, that this chapter is, in the original, writ in a woman's hand: and, though the observations init are, I think, as excellent as any in the whole volume, there seems tobe a difference in style between this and the preceding chapters; and, as it is the character of a woman which is related, I am inclined tofancy it was really written by one of that sex. ]

[Footnote 11: Here ends this curious manuscript; the rest beingdestroyed in rolling up pens, tobacco, &c. It is to be hoped heedlesspeople will henceforth be more cautious what they burn, or use to othervile purposes; especially when they consider the fate which had likelyto have befallen the divine Milton, and that the works of Homer wereprobably discovered in some chandlers shop in Greece. ]