A Political Romance, Addressed To _____ ________, Esq;of York. To which is subjoined a KEY. Ridiculum acri Fortius et melius magnas plerumque secat Res YORK: Printed in the Year MDCCLIX. [Price ONE SHILLING. ] A POLITICAL ROMANCE, ETC. SIR, In my last, for want of something better to write about, I told you whata World of Fending and Proving we have had of late, in this littleVillage of ours, about an old-cast-Pair-of-black-Plush-Breeches, whichJohn, our Parish-Clerk, about ten Years ago, it seems, had made aPromise of to one Trim, who is our Sexton and Dog-Whipper. --To this youwrite me Word, that you have had more than either one or two Occasionsto know a good deal of the shifty Behaviour of this said Master Trim, --and that you are astonished, nor can you for your Soul conceive, how soworthless a Fellow, and so worthless a Thing into the Bargain, couldbecome the Occasion of such a Racket as I have represented. Now, though you do not say expressly, you could wish to hear any moreabout it, yet I see plain enough that I have raised your Curiosity; andtherefore, from the same Motive, that I slightly mentioned it at all inmy last Letter, I will, in this, give you a full and very circumstantialAccount of the whole Affair. But, before I begin, I must first set you right in one very materialPoint, in which I have misled you, as to the true Cause of all thisUproar amongst us;--which does not take its Rise, as I then told you, from the Affair of the Breeches;--but, on the contrary, the whole Affairof the Breeches has taken its Rise from it:--To understand which, youmust know, that the first Beginning of the Squabble was not between Johnthe Parish-Clerk and Trim the Sexton, but betwixt the Parson of theParish and the said Master Trim, about an old Watch-Coat, which had manyYears hung up in the Church, which Trim had set his Heart upon; andnothing would serve Trim but he must take it home, in order to have itconverted into a warm Under-Petticoat for his Wife, and a Jerkin forhimself, against Winter; which, in a plaintive Tone, he most humblybegg'd his Reverence would consent to. I need not tell you, Sir, who have so often felt it, that a Principle ofstrong Compassion transports a generous Mind sometimes beyond what isstrictly right, --the Parson was within an Ace of being an honourableExample of this very Crime;--for no sooner did the distinct Words--Petticoat--poor Wife--warm--Winter strike upon his Ear, but his Heartwarmed, --and, before Trim had well got to the End of his Petition, (being a Gentleman of a frank and open Temper) he told him he waswelcome to it, with all his Heart and Soul. But, Trim, says he, as yousee I am but just got down to my Living, and am an utter Stranger to allParish-Matters, know nothing about this old Watch-Coat you beg of me, having never seen it in my Life, and therefore cannot be a Judge whether'tis fit for such a Purpose; or, if it is, in Truth, know not whether'tis mine to bestow upon you or not;--you must have a Week or ten DaysPatience, till I can make some Inquiries about it;--and, if I find it isin my Power, I tell you again, Man, your Wife is heartily welcome to anUnder-Petticoat out of it, and you to a Jerkin, was the Thing as goodagain as you represent it. It is necessary to inform you, Sir, in this Place, That the Parson wasearnestly bent to serve Trim in this Affair, not only from the Motive ofGenerality, which I have justly ascribed to him, but likewise fromanother Motive; and that was by way of making some Sort of Recompencefor a Multitude of small Services which Trim had occasionally done, andindeed was continually doing, (as he was much about the House) when hisown Man was out of the Way. For all these Reasons together, I say, theParson of the Parish intended to serve Trim in this Matter to the utmostof his Power: All that was wanting was previously to inquire, if any onehad a Claim to it;--or whether, as it had, Time immemorial, hung up inthe Church, the taking it down might not raise a Clamour in the Parish. These Inquiries were the very Thing that Trim dreaded in his Heart--Heknew very well that if the Parson should but say one Word to the Church-Wardens about it, there would be an End of the whole Affair. For this, and some other Reasons not necessary to be told you, at present, Trimwas for allowing no Time in this Matter;--but, on the contrary, doubledhis Diligence and Importunity at the Vicarage-House;--plagued the wholeFamily to Death;--pressed his Suit Morning, Noon, and Night; and, toshorten my Story, teazed the poor Gentleman, who was but in an ill Stateof Health, almost out of his Life about it. You will not wonder, when I tell you, that all this Hurry andPrecipitation, on the Side of Master Trim, produced its natural Effecton the Side of the Parson, and that was, a Suspicion that all was notright at the Bottom. He was one Evening sitting alone in his Study, weighing and turning thisDoubt every Way in his Mind; and, after an Hour and a half's seriousDeliberation upon the Affair, and running over Trim's Behaviourthroughout, --he was just saying to himself, It must be so;--when asudden Rap at the Door put an End to his Soliloquy, --and, in a fewMinutes, to his Doubts too; for a Labourer in the Town, who deem'dhimself past his fifty-second Year, had been returned by the Constablein the Militia-List, --and he had come, with a Groat in his Hand, tosearch the Parish Register for his Age. --The Parson bid the poor Fellowput the Groat into his Pocket, and go into the Kitchen:--Then shuttingthe Study Door, and taking down the Parish Register, --Who knows, sayshe, but I may find something here about this self-same Watch-Coat?--Hehad scarce unclasped the Book, in saying this, when he popp'd upon thevery Thing he wanted, fairly wrote on the first Page, pasted to theInside of one of the Covers, whereon was a Memorandum about the veryThing in Question, in these express Words: MEMORANDUM. The great Watch-Coat was purchased and given above two hundred yearsago, by the Lord of the Manor, to this Parish-Church, to the sole useand Behoof of the poor sextons thereof, and their Sucessors, for ever, to be Worn by them respectively in wintery cold Nights, in ringingComplines, Passing-Bells, &c. Which the said Lord of the manor had done, in Piety, to keep the poor Wretches warm, and for the Good of his ownSoul, for Which they were directed to pray, &c. &c. &c. &c. Just Heaven!said the Parson to himself, looking upwards, What an Escape have I had!Give this for an Under-Petticoat to Trim's Wife! I would not haveconsented to such a Desecration to be Primate of all England; nay, Iwould not have disturb'd a single Button of it for half my Tythes! Scarce were the Words out of his Mouth, when in pops Trim with the wholeSubject of the Exclamation under both his Arms. --I say, under both hisArms;--for he had actually got it ripp'd and cut out ready, his ownJerkin under one Arm, and the Petticoat under the other, in order to becarried to the Taylor to be made up, --and had just stepp'd in, in highSpirits, to shew the Parson how cleverly it had held out. There are many good Similies now subsisting in the World, but which Ihave neither Time to recollect or look for, which would give you astrong Conception of the Astonishment and honest Indignation which thisunexpected Stroke of Trim's Impudence impress'd upon the Parson'sLooks. --Let it suffice to say, That it exceeded all fair Description, --as well as all Power of proper Resentment, --except this, that Trim wasordered, in a stern Voice, to lay the Bundles down upon the Table, --togo about his Business, and wait upon him, at his Peril, the next Morningat Eleven precisely, :--Against this Hour, like a wise Man, the Parsonhad sent to desire John the Parish-Clerk, who bore an exceeding goodCharacter as a Man of Truth, and who having, moreover, a pretty Freeholdof about eighteen Pounds a Year in the Township, was a leading Man init; and, upon the whole, was such a one of whom it might be said, --Thathe rather did Honour to his Office, --than that his Office did Honour tohim. --Him he sends for, with the Church-Wardens, and one of the Sides-Men, a grave, knowing, old Man, to be present:--For as Trim had withheldthe whole Truth from the Parson, touching the Watch-Coat, he thought itprobable he would as certainly do the same Thing to others; though this, I said, was wise, the Trouble of the Precaution might have been spared, --because the Parson's Character was unblemish'd, --and he had ever beenheld by the World in the Estimation of a Man of Honour and Integrity. --Trim's Character, on the contrary, was as well known, if not in theWorld, yet, at least, in all the Parish, to be that of a little, dirty, pimping, pettifogging, ambidextrous Fellow, --who neither cared what hedid or said of any, provided he could get a Penny by it. --This might, Isay, have made any Precaution needless;--but you must know, as theParson had in a Manner but just got down to his Living, he dreaded theConsequences of the least ill Impression on his first Entrance amongsthis Parishioners, which would have disabled him from doing them the Goodhe Wished;--so that, out of Regard to his Flock, more than the necessaryCare due to himself, --he was resolv'd not to lie at the Mercy of whatResentment might vent, or Malice lend an Ear to. --Accordingly the wholeMatter was rehearsed from first to last by the Parson, in the MannerI've told you, in the Hearing of John the Parish-Clerk, and in thePresence of Trim. Trim had little to say for himself, except "That the Parson hadabsolutely promised to befriend him and his Wife in the Affair, to theutmost of his Power: That the Watch-Coat was certainly in his Power, andthat he might give it him if he pleased. " To this, the Parson's Reply was short, but strong, "That nothing was inhis Power to do, but what he could do honestly:--That in giving the Coatto him and his Wife, he should do a manifest Wrong to the next Sexton;the great Watch-Coat being the most comfortable Part of the Place:--Thathe should, moreover, injure the Right of his own Successor, who would bejust so much a worse Patron, as the Worth of the Coat amounted to;--and, in a Word, he declared, that his whole intent in promising that Coat, was Charity to Trim; but Wrong to no Man; that was a Reserve, he said, made in all Cases of this Kind:--and he declared solemnly, in VerboSacerdotis, That this was his Meaning, and was so understood by Trimhimself. " With the Weight of this Truth, and the great good Sense and strongReason which accompanied all the Parson said upon the Subject, --poorTrim was driven to his last Shift, --and begg'd he might be suffered toplead his Right and Title to the Watch-Coat, if not by Promise, at leastby Services. --It was well known how much he was entitled to it uponthese Scores: That he had black'd the Parson's Shoes without Count, andgreased his Boots above fifty Times:--That he had run for Eggs into theTown upon all Occasions;--whetted the Knives at all Hours;--catched hisHorse and rubbed him down:--That for his Wife she had been ready uponall Occasions to charr for them;--and neither he nor she, to the best ofhis Remembrance, ever took a Farthing, or any thing beyond a Mug ofAle. --To this Account of his Services he begg'd Leave to add those ofhis Wishes, which, he said, had been equally great. --He affirmed, andwas ready, he said, to make it appear, by Numbers of Witnesses, "He haddrank his Reverence's Health a thousand Times, (by the bye, he did notadd out of the Parson's own Ale): That he not only drank his Health, butwish'd it; and never came to the House, but ask'd his Man kindly how hedid; that in particular, about half a Year ago, when his Reverence cuthis Finger in paring an Apple, he went half a Mile to ask a cunningWoman, what was good to stanch Blood, and actually returned with aCobweb in his Breeches Pocket:--Nay, says Trim, it was not a Fortnightago, when your Reverence took that violent Purge, that I went to the farEnd of the whole Town to borrow you a Close-stool, --and came back, as myNeighbours, who flouted me, will all bear witness, with the Pan upon myHead, and never thought it too much. " Trim concluded his pathetick Remonstrance with saying, "He hoped hisReverence's Heart would not suffer him to requite so many faithfulServices by so unkind a Return:--That if it was so, as he was the first, so he hoped he should be the last, Example of a Man of his Condition sotreated. "--This Plan of Trim's Defence, which Trim had put himselfupon, --could admit of no other Reply but a general Smile. Upon the whole, let me inform you, That all that could be said, pro andcon, on both Sides, being fairly heard, it was plain, That Trim, inevery Part of this Affair, had behaved very ill;--and one Thing, whichwas never expected to be known of him, happening in the Course of thisDebate to come out against him; namely, That he had gone and told theParson, before he had ever set Foot in his Parish, That John his Parish-Clerk, --his Church-Wardens, and some of the Heads of the Parish, were aParcel of Scoundrels. --Upon the Upshot, Trim was kick'd out of Doors;and told, at his Peril, never to come there again. At first Trim huff'd and bounced most terribly;--swore he would get aWarrant;--then nothing would serve him but he would call a Bye-Law, andtell the whole Parish how the Parson had misused him;--but cooling ofthat, as fearing the Parson might possibly bind him over to his goodBehaviour, and, for aught he knew, might send him to the House ofCorrection, --he let the Parson alone; and, to revenge himself, fallsfoul upon his Clerk, who had no more to do in the Quarrel than you orI;--rips up the Promise of the old-cast-Pair-of-black-Plush-Breeches, and raises an Uproar in the Town about it, notwithstanding it had sleptten Years. --But all this, you must know, is look'd upon in no otherLight, but as an artful Stroke of Generalship in Trim, to raise a Dust, and cover himself under the disgraceful Chastisement he has undergone. If your Curiosity is not yet satisfied, --I will now proceed to relatethe Battle of the Breeches, in the same exact Manner I have done that ofthe Watch-Coat. Be it known then, that, about ten Years ago, when John was appointedParish-Clerk of this Church, this said Master Trim took no small Painsto get into John's good Graces in order, as it afterwards appeared, tocoax a Promise out of him of a Pair of Breeches, which John had then byhim, of black Plush, not much the worse for wearing;--Trim only beggingfor God's Sake to have them bestowed upon him when John should think fitto cast them. Trim was one of those kind of Men who loved a Bit of Finery in hisHeart, and would rather have a tatter'd Rag of a Better Body's, than thebest plain whole Thing his Wife could spin him. John, who was naturally unsuspicious, made no more Difficulty ofpromising the Breeches, than the Parson had done in promising the GreatCoat; and, indeed, with something less Reserve, --because the Breecheswere John's own, and he could give them, without Wrong, to whom hethought fit. It happened, I was going to say unluckily, but, I should rather say, most luckily, for Trim, for he was the only Gainer by it;--that aQuarrel, about some six or eight Weeks after this, broke out between thelate Parson of the Parish and John the Clerk. Somebody (and it wasthought to be Nobody but Trim) had put it into the Parson's Head, "ThatJohn's Desk in the Church was, at the least, four Inches higher than itshould be:--That the Thing gave Offence, and was indecorous, inasmuch asit approach'd too near upon a Level with the Parson's Desk itself. " ThisHardship the Parson complained of loudly, --and told John one Day afterPrayers, "He could bear it no longer:--And would have it alter'd andbrought down as it should be. " John made no other Reply, but, "That theDesk was not of his raising:--That 'twas not one Hair Breadth higherthan he found it;--and that as he found it, so would he leave it:--Inshort, he would neither make an Encroachment, nor would he suffer one. " The late Parson might have his Virtues, but the leading Part of hisCharacter was not Humility; so that John's Stiffness in this Point wasnot likely to reconcile Matters. --This was Trim's Harvest. After a friendly Hint to John to stand his Ground, --away hies Trim tomake his Market at the Vicarage: What pass'd there, I will not say, intending not to be uncharitable; so shall content myself with onlyguessing at it, from the sudden Change that appeared in Trim's Dress forthe better;--for he had left his old ragged Coat, Hat and Wig, in theStable, and was come forth strutting across the Church-yard, y'clad in agood creditable cast Coat, large Hat and Wig, which the Parson had justgiven him. --Ho! Ho! Hollo! John! cries Trim, in an insolent Bravo, asloud as ever he could bawl--See here, my Lad! how fine I am. --The moreShame for you, answered John, seriously. --Do you think, Trim, says he, such Finery, gain'd by such Services, becomes you, or can wear well?--Fye upon it, Trim;--I could not have expected this from you, consideringwhat Friendship you pretended, and how kind I have ever been to you:--How many Shillings and Sixpences I have generously lent you in yourDistresses?--Nay, it was but t'other Day that I promised you these blackPlush Breeches I have on. --Rot your Breeches, quoth Trim; for Trim'sBrain was half turn'd with his new Finery:--Rot your Breeches, says he, --I would not take them up, were they laid at my Door;--give 'em, and bed----d to you, to whom you like; I would have you to know I can have abetter Pair at the Parson's any Day in the Week:--John told him plainly, as his Word had once pass'd him, he had a Spirit above taking Advantageof his Insolence, in giving them away to another:--But, to tell him hisMind freely, he thought he had got so many Favours of that Kind, and wasso likely to get many more for the same Services, of the Parson, that hehad better give up the Breeches, with good Nature, to some one who wouldbe more thankful for them. Here John mentioned Mark Slender, (who, it seems, the Day before, hadask'd John for 'em) not knowing they were under Promise to Trim. --"Come, Trim, says he, let poor Mark have 'em, --You know he has not a Pair tohis. A----: Besides, you see he is just of my Size, and they will fithim to a T; whereas, if I give 'em to you, --look ye, they are not worthmuch; and, besides, you could not get your Backside into them, if youhad them, without tearing them all to Pieces. " Every Tittle of this was most undoubtedly true; for Trim, you must know, by foul Feeding, and playing the good Fellow at the Parson's, was grownsomewhat gross about the lower Parts, if not higher: So that, as allJohn said upon the Occasion was fact, Trim, with much ado, and after ahundred Hum's and Hah's, at last, out of mere Compassion to Mark, signs, seals, and delivers up all Right, Interest, and Pretentions whatsoever, in and to the said breeches; thereby binding his Heirs, Executors, Administrators, and Assignes, never more to call the said Claim inQuestion. All this Renunciation was set forth in an ample Manner, to be in purePity to Mark's Nakedness;--but the Secret was, Trim had an Eye to, andfirmly expected in his own Mind, the great Green Pulpit-Cloth and oldVelvet Cushion, which were that very Year to be taken down;--which, bythe Bye, could he have wheedled John a second Time out of 'em, as hehoped, he had made up the Loss of his Breeches Seven-fold. Now, you must know, this Pulpit-Cloth and Cushion were not in John'sGift, but in the Church-Wardens, &c. --However, as I said above, thatJohn was a leading Man in the Parish, Trim knew he could help him tothem if he would:--But John had got a Surfeit of him;--so, when thePulpit-Cloth, &c. Were taken down, they were immediately given (Johnhaving a great Say in it) to William Doe, who understood very well whatUse to make of them. As for the old Breeches, poor Mark Slender lived to wear them but ashort Time, and they got into the Possession of Lorry Slim, an unluckyWight, by whom they are still worn;--in Truth, as you will guess, theyare very thin by this Time:--But Lorry has a light Heart; and whatrecommends them to him, is this, that, as, thin as they are, he knowsthat Trim, let him say what he will to the contrary, still envies thePossessor of them, --and, with all his Pride, would be very glad to wearthem after him. Upon this Footing have these Affairs slept quietly for near ten Years, --and would have slept for ever, but for the unlucky Kicking-Bout; which, as I said, has ripp'd this Squabble up afresh: So that it was no longerago than last Week, that Trim met and insulted John in the public Town-Way, before a hundred People;--tax'd him with the Promise of the old-cast-Pair-of-black-Breeches, notwithstanding Trim's solemn Renunciation;twitted him with the Pulpit-Cloth and Velvet Cushion, --as good as toldhim, he was ignorant of the common Duties of his Clerkship; adding, veryinsolently, That he knew not so much as to give out a common Psalm inTune. -- John contented himself with giving a plain Answer to every Article thatTrim had laid to his Charge, and appealed to his Neighbours whoremembered the whole Affair;--and as he knew there was never any Thingto be got in wrestling with a Chimney-Sweeper, --he was going to takeLeave of Trim for ever. --But, hold, --the Mob by this Time had got roundthem, and their High Mightinesses insisted upon having Trim tried uponthe Spot. --Trim was accordingly tried; and, after a full Hearing, wasconvicted a second Time, and handled more roughly by one or more ofthem, than even at the Parson's. Trim, says one, are you not ashamed of yourself, to make all this Routand Disturbance in the Town, and set Neighbours together by the Ears, about an old-worn-out-Pair-of-cast-Breeches, not worth Half a Crown?--Isthere a cast-Coat, or a Place in the whole Town, that will bring you ina Shilling, but what you have snapp'd up, like a greedy Hound as youare? In the first Place, are you not Sexton and Dog-Whipper, worth ThreePounds a Year?--Then you begg'd the Church-Wardens to let your Wife havethe Washing and Darning of the Surplice and Church-Linen, which bringsyou in Thirteen Shillings and Four Pence. --Then you have Six Shillingsand Eight Pence for oiling and winding up the Clock, both paid you atEaster. --The Pinder's Place, which is worth Forty Shillings a Year, --youhave got that too. --You are the Bailiff, which the late Parson got you, which brings you in Forty Shillings more. --Besides all this, you haveSix Pounds a Year, paid you Quarterly for being Mole-Catcher to theParish. --Aye, says the luckless Wight above-mentioned, (who was standingclose to him with his Plush Breeches on) "You are not only Mole-Catcher, Trim, but you catch STRAY CONIES too in the Dark; and you pretend aLicence for it, which, I trove, will be look'd into at the next QuarterSessions. " I maintain it, I have a Licence, says Trim, blushing as redas Scarlet:--I have a Licence, --and as I farm a Warren in the nextParish, I will catch Conies every Hour of the Night. --You catch Conies!cries a toothless old Woman, who was just passing by. -- This set the Mob a laughing, and sent every Man home in perfect goodHumour, except Trim, who waddled very slowly off with that Kind ofinflexible Gravity only to be equalled by one Animal in the wholeCreation, --and surpassed by none, I am, SIR, Yours, &c. &c. FINIS. POSTSCRIPT. I have broke open my Letter to inform you, that I miss'd the Opportunityof sending it by the Messenger, who I expected would have called upon mein his Return through this Village to York, so it has laid a Week or tenDays by me. --I am not sorry for the Disappointment, because something has sincehappened, in Continuation of this Affair, which I am thereby enabled totransmit to you, all under one Trouble. When I finished the above Account, I thought (as did every Soul in theParish) Trim had met with so thorough a Rebuff from John the Parish-Clerk and the Town's Folks, who all took against him, that Trim would beglad to be quiet, and let the Matter rest. But, it seems, it is not half an Hour ago since Trim sallied forthagain; and, having borrowed a Sow-Gelder's Horn, with hard Blowing hegot the whole Town round him, and endeavoured to raise a Disturbance, and fight the whole Battle over again:--That he had been used in thelast Fray worse than a Dog;--not by John the Parish-Clerk, --for I shou'dnot, quoth Trim, have valued him a Rush single Hands:--But all the Townsided with him, and twelve Men in Buckram set upon me all at once, andkept me in Play at Sword's Point for three Hours together. --Besides, quoth Trim, there were two misbegotten Knaves in Kendal Green, who layall the while in Ambush in John's own House, and they all sixteen cameupon my Back, and let drive at me together. --A Plague, says Trim, of allCowards!--Trim repeated this Story above a Dozen Times;--which made someof the Neighbours pity him, thinking the poor Fellow crack-brain'd, andthat he actually believed what he said. After this Trim dropp'd theAffair of the Breeches, and begun a fresh Dispute about the Reading-Desk, which I told you had occasioned some small Dispute between thelate Parson and John, some Years ago. This Reading-Desk, as you will observe, was but an Episode wove into themain Story by the Bye;--for the main Affair was the Battle of theBreeches and Great Watch-Coat. --However, Trim being at last driven outof these two Citadels, --he has seized hold, in his Retreat, of thisReading-Desk, with a View, as it seems, to take Shelter behind it. I cannot say but the Man has fought it out obstinately enough;--and, hadhis Cause been good, I should have really pitied him. For when he wasdriven out of the Great Watch-Coat, --you see, he did not run away;--no, --he retreated behind the Breeches;--and, when he could make nothing ofit behind the Breeches, --he got behind the Reading-Desk. --To what otherHold Trim will next retreat, the Politicians of this Village are notagreed. --Some think his next Move will be towards the Rear of theParson's Boot;--but, as it is thought he cannot make a long Standthere, --others are of Opinion, That Trim will once more in his Life gethold of the Parson's Horse, and charge upon him, or perhaps behind him. But as the Horse is not easy to be caught, the more general Opinion is, That, when he is driven out of the Reading-Desk, he will make his lastRetreat in such a Manner as, if possible, to gain the Close-Stool, anddefend himself behind it to the very last Drop. If Trim should make thisMovement, by my Advice he should be left besides his Citadel, in fullPossession of the Field of Battle;--where, 'tis certain, he will keepevery Body a League off, and may pop by himself till he is weary:Besides, as Trim seems bent upon purging himself, and may have Abundanceof foul Humours to work off, I think he cannot be better placed. But this is all Matter of Speculation. --Let me carry you back to Matterof Fact, and tell you what Kind of a Stand Trim has actually made behindthe said Desk. "Neighbours and Townsmen all, I will be sworn before my Lord Mayor, ThatJohn and his nineteen Men in Buckram, have abused me worse than a Dog;for they told you that I play'd fast and go-loose with the late Parsonand him, in that old Dispute of theirs about the Reading-Desk; and thatI made Matters worse between them, and not better. " Of this Charge, Trim declared he was as innocent as the Child that wasunborn: That he would be Book-sworn he had no Hand in it. He produced astrong Witness;--and, moreover, insinuated, that John himself, insteadof being angry for what he had done in it, had actually thank'd him. Aye, Trim, says the Wight in the Plush Breeches, but that was, Trim, theDay before John found thee out. --Besides, Trim, there is nothing inthat:--For, the very Year that thou wast made Town's Pinder, thouknowest well, that I both thank'd thee myself; and, moreover, gave theea good warm Supper for turning John Lund's Cows and Horses out of myHard-Corn Close; which if thou had'st not done, (as thou told'st me) Ishould have lost my whole Crop: Whereas, John Lund and Thomas Patt, whoare both here to testify, and will take their Oaths on't, That thouthyself wast the very Man who set the Gate open; and, after all, --it wasnot thee, Trim, --'twas the Blacksmith's poor Lad who turn'd them out: Sothat a Man may be thank'd and rewarded too for a good Turn which henever did, nor ever did intend. Trim could not sustain this unexpected Stroke;--so Trim march'd off theField, without Colours flying, or his Horn sounding, or any otherEnsigns of Honour whatever. Whether after this Trim intends to rally a second Time, or whether Trimmay not take it into his Head to claim the Victory, --no one but Trimhimself can inform you:--However, the general Opinion, upon the whole, is this, That, in three several pitch'd Battles, Trim has been sotrimm'd, as never disastrous Hero was trimm'd before him. THE KEY. This Romance was, by some Mischance or other, dropp'd in the Minster-Yard, York, and pick'd up by a Member of a small Political Club in thatCity; where it was carried, and publickly read to the Members the lastClub Night. It was instantly agreed to, by a great Majority, That it was a PoliticalRomance; but concerning what State or Potentate, could not so easily besettled amongst them. The President of the Night, who is thought to be as clear and quick-lighted as any one of the whole Club in Things of this Nature, discovered plainly, That the Disturbances therein set forth, related tothose on the Continent:--That Trim could be Nobody but the King ofFrance, by whole shifting and intriguing Behaviour, all Europe was settogether by the Ears:--That Trim's Wife was certainly the Empress, whoare as kind together, says he, as any Man and Wife can be for theirLives. --The more Shame for 'em, says an Alderman, low to himself. --Agreeable to this Key, continues the President, --The Parson, who I thinkis a most excellent Character, --is His Most Excellent Majesty KingGeorge;--John, the Parish-Clerk, is the King of Prussia; who, by theManner of his first entering Saxony, shew'd the World most evidently, --That he did know how to lead out the Psalm, and in Tune and Time too, notwithstanding Trim's vile Insult upon him in that Particular. --But whodo you think, says a Surgeon and Man-Midwife, who sat next him, (whoseCoat-Button the President, in the Earnestness of this Explanation, hadgot fast hold of, and had thereby partly drawn him over to his Opinion)Who do you think, Mr. President, says he, are meant by the Church-Wardens, Sides-Men, Mark Slender, Lorry Slim, &c. --Who do I think? sayshe, Why, --Why, Sir, as I take the Thing, --the Church-Wardens and Sides-Men, are the Electors and the other Princes who form the GermanickBody. --And as for the other subordinate Characters of Mark Slim, --theunlucky Wight in the Plush Breeches, --the Parson's Man who was so oftenout of the Way, &c. &c. --these, to be sure, are the several Marshalsand Generals, who fought, or should have fought, under them the lastCampaign. --The Men in Buckram, continued the President, are the Grofs ofthe King of Prussia's Army, who are as stiff a Body of Men as are in theWorld:--And Trim's saying they were twelve, and then nineteen, is a Wipefor the Brussels Gazetteer, who, to my Knowledge, was never two Weeks inthe same Story, about that or any thing else. As for the rest of the Romance, continued the President, it sufficientlyexplains itself, --The Old-cast-Pair-of-Black-Plush-Breeches must beSaxony, which the Elector, you see, has left of wearing:--And as for theGreat Watch-Coat, which, you know, covers all, it signifies all Europe;comprehending, at least, so many of its different States and Dominions, as we have any Concern with in the present War. I protest, says a Gentleman who sat next but one to the President, andwho, it seems, was the Parson of the Parish, a Member not only of thePolitical, but also of a Musical Club in the next Street;--I protest, says he, if this Explanation is right, which I think it is, That thewhole makes a very fine Symbol. --You have always some Musical Instrumentor other in your Head, I think, says the Alderman. --Musical instrument!replies the Parson, in Astonishment, --Mr. Alderman, I mean an Allegory;and I think the greedy Disposition of Trim and his Wife, in ripping theGreat Watch-Coat to Pieces, in order to convert it into a Petticoat forthe one, and a Jerkin for the other, is one of the most beautiful of theKind I ever met with; and will shew all the World what have been thetrue Views and Intentions of the Houses of Bourbon and Austria in thisabominable Coalition, --I might have called it Whoredom:--Nay, says theAlderman, 'tis downright Adulterydom, or nothing. This Hypothesis of the President's explain'd every Thing in the Romanceextreamly well; and, withall, was delivered with so much Readiness andAir of Certainty, as begot an Opinion in two Thirds of the Club, thatMr. President was actually the Author of the Romance himself: But aGentleman who sat on the opposite Side of the Table, who had comepiping-hot from reading the History of King William's and Queen Anne'sWars, and who was thought, at the Bottom, to envy the President theHonour both of the Romance and Explanation too, gave an entire new Turnto it all. He acquainted the Club, That Mr. President was altogetherwrong in every Supposition he had made, except that one, where the GreatWatch-Coat was said by him to represent Europe, or at least a great Partof it:--So far he acknowledged he was pretty right; but that he had notgone far enough backwards into our History to come at the Truth. He thenacquainted them, that the dividing the Great Watch-Coat did, and could, allude to nothing else in the World but the Partition-Treaty; which, bythe Bye, he told them, was the most unhappy and scandalous Transactionin all King William's Life: It was that false Step, and that only, sayshe, rising from his Chair, and striking his Hand upon the Table withgreat Violence; it was that false Step, says he, knitting his Brows andthrowing his Pipe down upon the Ground, that has laid the Foundation ofall the Disturbances and Sorrows we feel and lament at this very Hour;and as for Trim's giving up the Breeches, look ye, it is almost Word forWord copied from the French King and Dauphin's Renunciation of Spain andthe West-Indies, which all the World knew (as was the very Case of theBreeches) were renounced by them on purpose to be reclaim'd when Timeshould serve. This Explanation had too much Ingenuity in it to be altogether slighted;and, in Truth, the worst Fault it had, seem'd to be the prodigious Heatof it; which (as an Apothecary, who sat next the Fire, observ'd, in avery low Whisper to his next Neighbour) was so much incorporated intoevery Particle of it, that it was impossible, under such Fermentation, it should work its defined Effect. This, however, no way intimidated a little valiant Gentleman, though hesat the very next Man, from giving an Opinion as diametrically oppositeas East is from West. This Gentleman, who was by much the best Geographer in the whole Club, and, moreover, second Cousin to an Engineer, was positive the Breechesmeant Gibraltar; for, if you remember, Gentlemen, says he, tho' possiblyyou don't, the Ichnography and Plan of that Town and Fortress, itexactly resembles a Pair of Trunk-Hose, the two Promontories forming thetwo Slops, &c. &c. --Now we all know, continued he, that King George theFirst made a Promise of that important Pass to the King of Spain:--Sothat the whole Drift of the Romance, according to my Sense of Things, ismerely to vindicate the King and the Parliament in that Transaction, which made so much Noise in the World. A Wholesale Taylor, who from the Beginning had resolved not to speak atall in the Debate, --was at last drawn into it, by something veryunexpected in the last Person's Argument. He told the Company, frankly, he did not understand what Ichnographymeant:--But as for the Shape of a Pair of Breeches, as he had had theAdvantage of cutting out so many hundred Pairs in his Life-Time, hehoped he might be allowed to know as much of the Matter as another Man. Now, to my Mind, says he, there is nothing in all the Terraqueous Globe(a Map of which, it seems, hung up in his Work-Shop) so like a Pair ofBreeches unmade up, as the Island of Sicily:--Nor is there any thing, ifyou go to that, quoth an honest Shoe-maker, who had the Honour to be aMember of the Club, so much like a Jack-Boot, to my Fancy, as theKingdom of Italy. --What the Duce has either Italy or Sicily to do in theAffair? cries the President, who, by this Time, began to tremble for hisHypothesis, --What have they to do?--Why, answered the Partition-TreatyGentleman, with great Spirit and Joy sparkling in his Eyes, --They havejust so much, Sir, to do in the Debate as to overthrow yourSuppositions, and to establish the Certainty of mine beyond thePossibility of a Doubt: For, says he, (with an Air of Sovereign Triumphover the President's Politicks)--By the Partition-Treaty, Sir, bothNaples and Sicily were the very Kingdoms made to devolve upon theDauphin;--and Trim's greasing the Parson's Boots, is a DevilishSatyrical Stroke;--for it exposes the Corruption, and Bribery made Useof at that Juncture, in bringing over the several States and Princes ofItaly to use their Interests at Rome, to stop the Pope from giving theInvestitures of those Kingdoms to any Body else. --The Pope has not theInvestiture of Sicily, cries another Gentleman. --I care not, says he, for that. Almost every one apprehended the Debate to be now ended, and that no oneMember would venture any new Conjecture upon the Romance, after so manyclear and decisive Interpretations had been given. But, hold, --Close tothe Fire, and opposite to where the Apothecary sat, there sat also aGentleman of the Law, who, from the Beginning to the End of the Hearingof this Case, seem'd no way satisfied in his Conscience with any oneProceeding in it. This Gentleman had not yet opened his Mouth, but hadwaited patiently till they had all gone thro' their several Evidences onthe other Side;--reserving himself, like an expert Practitioner, for thelast Word in the Debate. When the Partition-Treaty-Gentleman hadfinish'd what he had to say, --He got up, --and, advancing towards theTable, told them, That the Error they had all gone upon thus far, inmaking out the several Facts in the Romance, --was in looking too high;which, with great Candor, he said, was a very natural Thing, and veryexcusable withall, in such a Political Club as theirs: For Instance, continues he, you have been searching the Registers, and looking intothe Deeds of Kings and Emperors, --as if Nobody had any Deeds to shew orcompare the Romance to but themselves. --This, continued the Attorney, isjust as much out of the Way of good Practice, as if I should carry aThing slap-dash into the House of Lords, which was under fortyShillings, and might be decided in the next County-Court for sixShillings and Eight-pence. --He then took the Romance in his Left Hand, and pointing with the Fore-Finger of his Right towards the second Page, he humbly begg'd Leave to observe, (and, to do him Justice, he did it insomewhat of a forensic Air) That the Parson, John, and Sexton, shewedincontestably the Thing to be Tripartite; now, if you will take Notice, Gentlemen, says he, these several Persons, who are Parties to thisInstrument, are merely Ecclesiastical; that the Reading-Desk, Pulpit-Cloth, and Velvet Cushion, are tripartite too; and are, by Intendment ofLaw, Goods and Chattles merely of an Ecclesiastick Nature, belonging andappertaining 'only unto them, ' and to them only. --So that it appearsvery plain to me, That the Romance, neither directly nor indirectly, goes upon Temporal, but altogether upon Church-Matters. --And do not youthink, says he, softening his Voice a little, and addressing himself tothe Parson with a forced Smile, --Do not you think Doctor, says he, Thatthe Dispute in the Romance, between the Parson of the Parish and John, about the Height of John's Desk, is a very fine Panegyrick upon theHumility of Church-Men?--I think, says the Parson, it is much of thesame Fineness with that which your Profession is complimented with, inthe pimping, dirty, pettyfogging Character of Trim, --which, in myOpinion, Sir, is just such another Panegyrick upon the Honestly ofAttornies. Nothing whets the Spirits like an Insult:--Therefore the Parson went onwith a visible Superiority and an uncommon Acuteness. --As you are sohappy, Sir, continues he, in making Applications, --pray turn over a Pageor two to the black Law-Letters in the Romance. --What do you think ofthem, Sir?--Nay, --pray read the Grant of the Great Watch-Coat and Trim'sRenunciation of the Breeches. --Why, there is downright Lease and Releasefor you, --'tis the very Thing, Man;--only with this small Difference, --and in which consists the whole Strength of the Panegyric, That theAuthor of the Romance has convey'd and re-convey'd, in about ten Lines, --what you, with the glorious Prolixity of the Law, could not havecrowded into as many Skins of Parchment. The Apothecary, who had paid the Attorney, the same Afternoon, a Demandof Three Pounds Six Shillings and Eight-Pence, for much such anotherJobb, --was so highly tickled with the Parson's Repartee in thatparticular Point, --that he rubb'd his Hands together most fervently, --and laugh'd most triumphantly thereupon. This could not escape the Attorney's Notice, any more than the Cause ofit did escape his Penetration. I think, Sir, says he, (dropping his Voice a Third) you might well havespared this immoderate Mirth, since you and your Profession have theleast Reason to triumph here of any of us. --I beg, quoth he, that youwould reflect a Moment upon the Cob-Web which Trim went so far for, andbrought back with an Air of so much Importance, in his Breeches Pocket, to lay upon the Parson's cut Finger. --This said Cob-Web, Sir, is a fine-spun Satyre, upon the flimsy Nature of one Half of the Shop-Medicines, with which you make a Property of the Sick, the Ignorant, and theUnsuspecting. --And as for the Moral of the Close-Stool-Pan, Sir, 'tistoo plain, Does not nine Parts in ten of the whole Practice, and of allyou vend under its Colours, pass into and concenter in that one nastyUtensil?--And let me tell you, Sir, says he, raising his Voice, --had notyour unseasonable Mirth blinded you, you might have seen that Trim'scarrying the Close-Stool-Pan upon his Head the whole Length of the Town, without blushing, is a pointed Raillery, --and one of the sharpestSarcasms, Sir, that ever was thrown out upon you;--for it unveils thesolemn Impudence of the whole Profession, who, I see, are ashamed ofnothing which brings in Money. There were two Apothecaries in the Club, besides the Surgeon mentionedbefore, with a Chemist and an Undertaker, who all felt themselvesequally hurt and aggrieved by this discourteous Retort:--And they wereall five rising up together from their Chairs, with full Intent ofHeart, as it was thought, to return the Reproof Valiant thereupon. --Butthe President, fearing it would end in a general Engagement, heinstantly call'd out, To Order;--and gave Notice, That if there was anyMember in the Club, who had not yet spoke, and yet did desire to speakupon the main Subject of the Debate, --that he should immediately beheard. This was a happy Invitation for a stammering Member, who, it seems, hadbut a weak Voice at the best; and having often attempted to speak in theDebate, but to no Purpose, had sat down in utter Despair of anOpportunity. This Member, you must know, had got a sad Crush upon his Hip, in thelate Election, which gave him intolerable Anguish;--so that, in short, he could think of nothing else:--For which Cause, and others, he wasstrongly of Opinion, That the whole Romance was a just Gird at the lateYork Election; and I think, says he, that the Promise of the Breechesbroke, may well and truly signify Somebody's else Promise, which wasbroke, and occasion'd to much Disturbance amongst us. Thus every Man turn'd the Story to what was swimming uppermost in hisown Brain;--so that, before all was over, there were full as manySatyres spun out of it, --and as great a Variety of Personages, Opinions, Transactions, and Truths, found to lay hid under the dark Veil of itsAllegory, as ever were discovered in the thrice-renowned History of theActs of Gargantua and Pantagruel. At the Close of all, and just before the Club was going to break up, --Mr. President rose from his Chair, and begg'd Leave to make the twofollowing Motions, which were instantly agreed to, without any Division. First Gentlemen, says he, as Trim's Character in the Romance, of ashuffling intriguing Fellow, --whoever it was drawn for, is, in Truth, aslike the French King as it can stare, --I move, That the Romance beforthwith printed:--For, continues he, if we can but once turn the Laughagainst him, and make him asham'd of what he has done, it may be a greatMeans, with the Blessing of God upon our Fleets and Armies, to save theLiberties of Europe. In the second Place, I move, That Mr. Attorney, our worthy Member, bedesired to take Minutes, upon the Spot, of every Conjecture which hasbeen made upon the Romance, by the several Members who have spoke;which, I think, says he, will answer two good Ends: 1st, It will establish the Political Knowledge of our Club for ever, andplace it in a respectable Light to all the World. In the next Place, it will furnish what will be wanted; that is, a Keyto the Romance. --In troth you might have said a whole Bunch of Keys, quoth a Whitesmith, who was the only Member in the Club who had not saidsomething in the Debate: But let me tell you, Mr. President, says he, That the Right Key, if it could but be found, would be worth the wholeBunch put together. To ------ ---------, Esq; of York. Sir, You write me Word that the Letter I wrote to you, and now stiled ThePolitical Romance is printing; and that, as it was drop'd byCarelessness, to make some Amends, you will overlook the Printing of ityourself, and take Care to see that it comes right into the World. I was just going to return you Thanks, and to beg, withal, you wouldtake Care That the Child be not laid at my Door. --But having, thisMoment, perused the Reply to the Dean of York's Answer, --it has made mealter my Mind in that respect; so that, instead of making you theRequest I intended, I do here desire That the Child be filiated upon me, Laurence Sterne, Prebendary of York, &c. &c. And I do, accordingly, ownit for my own true and lawful Offspring. My Reason for this is plain;--for as, you see, the Writer of that Reply, has taken upon him to invade this incontested Right of another Man's ina Thing of this Kind, it is high Time for every Man to look to his own--Since, upon the same Grounds, and with half the Degree of Anger, that heaffirms the Production of that very Reverend Gentleman's, to be theChild of many Fathers, some one in his Spight (for I am not without myFriends of that Stamp) may run headlong into the other Extream, andswear, That mine had no Father at all:--And therefore, to make use ofBays's Plea in the Rehearsal, for Prince Pretty-Man; I merely do it, ashe says, "for fear it should be said to be no Body's Child at all. " I have only to add two Things:--First, That, at your Peril, you do notpresume to alter or transpose one Word, nor rectify one false Spelling, nor so much as add or diminish one Comma or Tittle, in or to myRomance:--For if you do, --In case any of the Descendents of Curl shouldthink fit to invade my Copy-Right, and print it over again in my Teeth, I may not be able, in a Court of Justice, to swear strictly to my ownChild, after you had so large a Share in the begetting it. In the next Place, I do not approve of your quaint Conceit at the Footof the Title Page of my Romance, --It would only set People on finding aPage or two before I give them Leave;--and besides, all Attempts eitherat Wit or Humour, in that Place, are a Forestalling of what slenderEntertainment of those Kinds are prepared within: Therefore I would haveit stand thus: YORK: Printed in the Year 1759. (Price One Shilling. ) I know you will tell me, That it is set too high; and as a Proof, youwill say, That this last Reply to the Dean's Answer does consist of nearas many Pages as mine; and yet is all sold for Six-pence. --But mine, mydear Friend, is quite a different Story:--It is a Web wrought out of myown Brain, of twice the Fineness of this which he has spun out of his;and besides, I maintain it, it is of a more curious Pattern, and couldnot be afforded at the Price that his is sold at, by any honest Workmanin Great-Britain. Moreover, Sir, you do not consider, That the Writer is interested in hisStory, and that it is his Business to set it a-going at any Price: Andindeed, from the Information of Persons conversant in Paper and Print, Ihave very good Reason to believe, if he should sell every Pamphlet ofthem, he would inevitably be a Great Loser by it, This I believe verily, and am, Dear Sir, Your obliged Friend and humble Servant, LAURENCE STERNE, Sutton on the Forest, Jan. 20, 1759 To Dr. TOPHAM. Sir, Though the Reply to the Dean of York is not declared, in the Title-Page, or elsewhere, to be wrote by you, --Yet I take that Point for granted;and therefore beg Leave, in this public Manner, to write to you inBehalf of myself; with Intent to set you right in two Points where Istand concerned in this Affair; and which I find you havemisapprehended, and consequently (as I hope) misrepresented. The First is, in respect of some Words, made use of in the Instrument, signed by Dr. Herring, Mr. Berdmore and myself. --Namely, "to the best ofour Remembrance and Belief"; which Words you have caught hold of, asimplying some Abatement of our Certainty as to the Facts thereinattested. Whether it was so with the other two Gentlemen who signed thatAttestation with me, it is not for me to say; they are able to answerfor themselves, and I desire to do so for myself; and therefore Ideclare to you, and to all Mankind, That the Words in the firstParagraph, "to the best of our Remembrance and Belief", implied no Doubtremaining upon my Mind, nor any Distrust whatever of my Memory, from theDistance of Time;--Nor, in short, was it my Intention to attest theseveral Facts therein, as Matters of Belief--But as Matters of as muchCertainty as a Man was capable of having, or giving Evidence to. InConsequence of this Explanation of myself, I do declare myself ready toattest the same Instrument over again, striking out the Words "to thebest of our Remembrance and Belief" which I see, have raised thisException to it. Whether I was mistaken or no, I leave to better Judges; but I understoodthose Words were a very common Preamble to Attestations of Things, towhich we bore the clearest Evidence;--However, Dr. Topham, as you haveclaimed just such another Indulgence yourself, in the Case of beggingthe Dean's Authority to say, what, as you affirm, you had sufficientAuthority to say without, as a modest and Gentleman-like Way ofAffirmation;--I wish you had spared either the one or the other of yourRemarks upon these two Passages: --Veniam petimus, demusque vicissim. There is another Observation relating to this Instrument, which Iperceive has escaped your Notice; which I take the Liberty to point outto you, namely, That the Words, "To the best of our Remembrance andBelief", if they imply any Abatement of Certainty, seem only confined tothat Paragraph, and to what is immediately attested after them in it:--For in the second Paragraph, wherein the main Points are minutelyattested, and upon which the whole Dispute, and main Charge against theDean, turns, it is introduced thus: "We do particularly remember, That as soon as Dinner was over, &c. " In the second Place you affirm, "That it is not Paid, That Mr. Sternecould affirm he had heard you charge the Dean with a Promise, in its ownNature so very extraordinary, as of the Commissaryship of the Dean andChapter":--To this I answer, That my true Intent in subscribing thatvery instrument, and I suppose of others, was to attest this very Thing;and I have just now read that Part of the Instrument over; and cannot, for my Life, affirm it either more directly or expresly, than in theWords as they there stand;--therefore please to let me transcribe them. "But being press'd by Mr. Sterne with an undeniable Proof, That he, (Dr. Topham) did propagate the said Story, (viz: of a Promise from the Deanto Dr. Topham of the Dean and Chapter's Commissaryship)--Dr. Topham didat last acknowledge it; adding, as his Reason or Excuse for so doing, That he apprehended (or Words to that Effect) he had a Promise under theDean's own Hand, of the Dean and Chapter's Commissaryship. " This I have attested, and what Weight the Sanction of an Oath will addto it, I am willing and ready to give. As for Mr. Ricard's feeble Attestation, brought to shake the Credit ofthis firm and solemn one, I have nothing to say to it, as it is only anAttestation of Mr. Ricard's Conjectures upon the Subject. --But this Ican say, That I had the Honour to be at the Deanery with the learnedCounsel, when Mr. Ricard underwent that most formidable Examination youspeak of, --and I solemnly affirm, That he then said, He knew nothing atall about the Matter, one Way or the other; and the Reasons he gave forhis utter Ignorance, were, first, That he was then so full of Concern, at the Difference which arose between two Gentlemen, both his Friends, that he did not attend to the Subject Matter of it, --and of which hedeclared again he knew nothing at all. And secondly, If he hadunderstood it then, the Distance would have put it out of his Head bythis Time. He has since scower'd his Memory, I ween; for now he says, That heapprehended the Dispute regarded something in the Dean's Gift, as hecould not naturally suppose, &c. 'Tis certain, at the Deanery, he hadnaturally no Suppositions in his Head about this Affair; so that I withthis may not prove one of the After-Thoughts you speak of, and not somuch a natural as an artificial Supposition of my good Friend's. As for the formidable Enquiry you represent him as undergoing, --let meintreat you to give me Credit in what I say upon it, --namely, --That itwas as much the Reverse to every Idea that ever was couch'd under thatWord, as Words can represent it to you. As for the learned Counsel andmyself, who were in the Room all the Time, I do not remember that we, either of us, spoke ten Words. The Dean was the only one that ask'd Mr. Ricard what he remembered about the Affair of the Sessions Dinner; whichhe did in the most Gentleman-like and candid Manner, --and with an Air ofas much Calmness and seeming Indifference, as if he had been questioninghim about the News in the last Brussels Gazette. What Mr. Ricard saw to terrify him so sadly, I cannot apprehend, unlessthe Dean's Gothic Book-Case, --which I own has an odd Appearance to aStranger; so that if he came terrified in his Mind there, and with aResolution not to plead, he might naturally suppose it to be a greatEngine brought there on purpose to exercise the Peine fort et dure uponhim. --But to be serious; if Mr. Ricard told you, That this Enquiry wasmost formidable, He was much to blame;--and if you have said it, withouthis express Information, then You are much to blame. This is all, I think, in your Reply, which concerns me to answer:--Asfor the many coarse and unchristian Insinuations scatter'd throughoutyour Reply, --as it is my Duty to beg God to forgive you, so I do from myHeart: Believe me, Dr. Topham, they hurt yourself more than the Personthey are aimed at; and when the first Transport of Rage is a littleover, they will grieve you more too. --prima est haec Ultio. But these I hold to be no answerable Part of a Controversy;--and for thelittle that remains unanswered in yours, --I believe I could, in anotherhalf Hour, set it right in the Eyes of the World: But this is not myBusiness. --And is it is thought worth the while, which I hope it neverwill, I know no one more able to do it than the very Reverend and WorthyGentleman whom you have so unhandsomely insulted upon that Score. As for the supposed Compilers, whom you have been so wrath and sounmerciful against, I'll be answerable for it, as they are Creatures ofyour own Fancy, they will bear you no Malice. However, I think the morepositively any Charge is made, let it be against whom it will, thebetter it should be supported; and therefore I should be sorry, for yourown Honour, if you have not some better Grounds for all you have thrownout about them, than the mere Heat of your Imagination or Anger. To tellyou truly, your Suppositions on this Head oft put me in Mind of Trim'stwelve Men in Buckram, which his disordered Fancy represented as layingin Ambush in John the Clerk's House, and letting drive at him alltogether. I am, SIR, Your most obedient And most humble Servant, LAWRENCE STERNESutton on the Forest, Jan. 20, 1759 P. S. I beg Pardon for clapping this upon the Back of the Romance, --whichis done out of no Disrespect to you. --But the Vehicle stood ready at theDoor, --and as I was to pay the whole Fare, and there was Room enoughbehind it, --it was the cheapest and readiest Conveyance I could thinkof. FINIS.