A LITTLE DINNER AT TIMMINS'S. by William Makepeace Thackeray I. Mr. And Mrs. Fitzroy Timmins live in Lilliput Street, that neat littlestreet which runs at right angles with the Park and Brobdingnag Gardens. It is a very genteel neighborhood, and I need not say they are of a goodfamily. Especially Mrs. Timmins, as her mamma is always telling Mr. T. They areSuffolk people, and distantly related to the Right honorable the Earl ofBungay. Besides his house in Lilliput Street, Mr. Timmins has chambers inFig-tree Court, Temple, and goes the Northern Circuit. The other day, when there was a slight difference about the payment offees between the great Parliamentary Counsel and the Solicitors, Stokeand Pogers, of Great George Street, sent the papers of the Lough Foyleand Lough Corrib Junction Railway to Mr. Fitzroy Timmins, who was soelated that he instantly purchased a couple of looking-glasses for hisdrawing-rooms (the front room is 16 by 12, and the back, a tight butelegant apartment, 10 ft. 6 by 8 ft. 4), a coral for the baby, twonew dresses for Mrs. Timmins, and a little rosewood desk, at thePantechnicon, for which Rosa had long been sighing, with crumpled legs, emerald-green and gold morocco top, and drawers all over. Mrs. Timmins is a very pretty poetess (her "Lines to a Faded Tulip" andher "Plaint of Plinlimmon" appeared in one of last year's Keepsakes);and Fitzroy, as he impressed a kiss on the snowy forehead of his bride, pointed out to her, in one of the innumerable pockets of the desk, an elegant ruby-tipped pen, and six charming little gilt blank books, marked "My Books, " which Mrs. Fitzroy might fill, he said, (he is anOxford man, and very polite, ) "with the delightful productions of herMuse. " Besides these books, there was pink paper, paper with crimsonedges, lace paper, all stamped with R. F. T. (Rosa Fitzroy Timmins)and the hand and battle-axe, the crest of the Timminses (and borne atAscalon by Roaldus de Timmins, a crusader, who is now buried in theTemple Church, next to Serjeant Snooks), and yellow, pink, light-blueand other scented sealing waxes, at the service of Rosa when she choseto correspond with her friends. Rosa, you may be sure, jumped with joy at the sight of this sweetpresent; called her Charles (his first name is Samuel, but they havesunk that) the best of men; embraced him a great number of times, to theedification of her buttony little page, who stood at the landing; and assoon as he was gone to chambers, took the new pen and a sweet sheet ofpaper, and began to compose a poem. "What shall it be about?" was naturally her first thought. "What shouldbe a young mother's first inspiration?" Her child lay on the sofa asleepbefore her; and she began in her neatest hand-- "LINES "ON MY SON BUNGAY DE BRACY GASHLEIGH TYMMYNS, AGED TEN MONTHS. "Tuesday. "How beautiful! how beautiful thou seemest, My boy, my precious one, my rosy babe! Kind angels hover round thee, as thou dreamest: Soft lashes hide thy beauteous azure eye which gleamest. " "Gleamest? thine eye which gleamest? Is that grammar?" thought Rosa, whohad puzzled her little brains for some time with this absurd question, when the baby woke. Then the cook came up to ask about dinner; then Mrs. Fundy slipped over from No. 27 (they are opposite neighbors, and madean acquaintance through Mrs. Fundy's macaw); and a thousand thingshappened. Finally, there was no rhyme to babe except Tippoo Saib(against whom Major Gashleigh, Rosa's grandfather, had distinguishedhimself), and so she gave up the little poem about her De Bracy. Nevertheless, when Fitzroy returned from chambers to take a walk withhis wife in the Park, as he peeped through the rich tapestry hangingwhich divided the two drawing-rooms, he found his dear girl still seatedat the desk, and writing, writing away with her ruby pen as fast as itcould scribble. "What a genius that child has!" he said; "why, she is a second Mrs. Norton!" and advanced smiling to peep over her shoulder and see whatpretty thing Rosa was composing. It was not poetry, though, that she was writing, and Fitz read asfollows:-- "LILLIPUT STREET, Tuesday, 22nd May. "Mr. And Mr. Fitzroy Tymmyns request the pleasure of Sir Thomas and LadyKicklebury's company at dinner on Wednesday, at 7 1/2 o'clock. " "My dear!" exclaimed the barrister, pulling a long face. "Law, Fitzroy!" cried the beloved of his bosom, "how you do startleone!" "Give a dinner-party with our means!" said he. "Ain't you making a fortune, you miser?" Rosa said. "Fifteen guineas aday is four thousand five hundred a year; I've calculated it. " And, sosaying, she rose and taking hold of his whiskers (which are as fine asthose of any man of his circuit, ) she put her mouth close up against hisand did something to his long face, which quite changed the expressionof it; and which the little page heard outside the door. "Our dining-room won't hold ten, " he said. "We'll only ask twenty, my love. Ten are sure to refuse in this season, when everybody is giving parties. Look, here is the list. " "Earl and Countess of Bungay, and Lady Barbara Saint Mary's. " "You are dying to get a lord into the house, " Timmins said (HE hadnot altered his name in Fig-tree Court yet, and therefore I am not soaffected as to call him TYMMYNS). "Law, my dear, they are our cousins, and must be asked, " Rosa said. "Let us put down my sister and Tom Crowder, then. " "Blanche Crowder is really so VERY fat, Fitzroy, " his wife said, "andour rooms are so VERY small. " Fitz laughed. "You little rogue, " he said, "Lady Bungay weighs two ofBlanche, even when she's not in the f--" "Fiddlesticks!" Rose cried out. "Doctor Crowder really cannot beadmitted: he makes such a noise eating his soup, that it is really quitedisagreeable. " And she imitated the gurgling noise performed by theDoctor while inhausting his soup, in such a funny way that Fitz sawinviting him was out of the question. "Besides, we mustn't have too many relations, " Rosa went on. "Mamma, of course, is coming. She doesn't like to be asked in the evening; andshe'll bring her silver bread-basket and her candlesticks, which arevery rich and handsome. " "And you complain of Blanche for being too stout!" groaned out Timmins. "Well, well, don't be in a pet, " said little Rosa. "The girls won't cometo dinner; but will bring their music afterwards. " And she went on withthe list. "Sir Thomas and Lady Kicklebury, 2. No saying no: we MUST askthem, Charles. They are rich people, and any room in their house inBrobdingnag Gardens would swallow up OUR humble cot. But to peoplein OUR position in SOCIETY they will be glad enough to come. The citypeople are glad to mix with the old families. " "Very good, " says Fitz, with a sad face of assent--and Mrs. Timmins wenton reading her list. "Mr. And Mrs. Topham Sawyer, Belgravine Place. " "Mrs. Sawyer hasn't asked you all the season. She gives herself the airsof an empress; and when--" "One's Member, you know, my dear, one must have, " Rosa replied, withmuch dignity as if the presence of the representative of her nativeplace would be a protection to her dinner. And a note was writtenand transported by the page early next morning to the mansion of theSawyers, in Belgravine Place. The Topham Sawyers had just come down to breakfast; Mrs. T. In her largedust-colored morning-dress and Madonna front (she looks rather scraggyof a morning, but I promise you her ringlets and figure will stun you ofan evening); and having read the note, the following dialogue passed:-- Mrs. Topham Sawyer. --"Well, upon my word, I don't know where things willend. Mr. Sawyer, the Timminses have asked us to dinner. " Mr. Topham Sawyer. --"Ask us to dinner! What d----- impudence!" Mrs. Topham Sawyer. --"The most dangerous and insolent revolutionaryprinciples are abroad, Mr. Sawyer; and I shall write and hint as much tothese persons. " Mr. Topham Sawyer. --"No, d--- it, Joanna: they are my constituents andwe must go. Write a civil note, and say we will come to their party. "(He resumes the perusal of 'The times, ' and Mrs. Topham Sawyer writes)-- "MY DEAR ROSA, --We shall have GREAT PLEASURE in joining your littleparty. I do not reply in the third person, as WE ARE OLD FRIENDS, youknow, and COUNTRY NEIGHBORS. I hope your mamma is well: present myKINDEST REMEMBRANCES to her, and I hope we shall see much MORE of eachother in the summer, when we go down to the Sawpits (for going abroad isout of the question in these DREADFUL TIMES). With a hundred kisses toyour dear little PET, "Believe me your attached "J. T. S. " She said Pet, because she did not know whether Rosa's child was agirl or boy: and Mrs. Timmins was very much pleased with the kind andgracious nature of the reply to her invitation. II. The next persons whom little Mrs. Timmins was bent upon asking, wereMr. And Mrs. John Rowdy, of the firm of Stumpy, Rowdy and Co. , ofBrobdingnag Gardens, of the Prairie, Putney, and of Lombard Street, City. Mrs. Timinins and Mrs. Rowdy had been brought up at the same schooltogether, and there was always a little rivalry between them, from theday when they contended for the French prize at school to last week, when each had a stall at the Fancy Fair for the benefit of the Daughtersof Decayed Muffin-men; and when Mrs. Timmins danced against Mrs. Rowdyin the Scythe Mazurka at the Polish Ball, headed by Mrs. Hugh Slasher. Rowdy took twenty-three pounds more than Timmins in the Muffintransaction (for she had possession of a kettle-holder worked by thehands of R-y-lty, which brought crowds to her stall); but in the MazurkaRosa conquered: she has the prettiest little foot possible (which ina red boot and silver heel looked so lovely that even the Chineseambassador remarked it), whereas Mrs. Rowdy's foot is no trifle, as LordCornbury acknowledged when it came down on his lordship's boot-tip asthey danced together amongst the Scythes. "These people are ruining themselves, " said Mrs. John Rowdy to herhusband, on receiving the pink note. It was carried round by that rogueof a buttony page in the evening; and he walked to Brobdingnag Gardens, and in the Park afterwards, with a young lady who is kitchen-maid at 27, and who is not more than fourteen years older than little Buttons. "These people are ruining themselves, " said Mrs. John to her husband. "Rosa says she has asked the Bungays. " "Bungays indeed! Timmins was always a tuft-hunter, " said Rowdy, who hadbeen at college with the barrister, and who, for his own part, has nomore objection to a lord than you or I have; and adding, "Hang him, whatbusiness has HE to be giving parties?" allowed Mrs. Rowdy, nevertheless, to accept Rosa's invitation. "When I go to business to-morrow, I will just have a look at Mr. Fitz'saccount, " Mr. Rowdy thought; "and if it is overdrawn, as it usually is, why . . . " The announcement of Mrs. Rowdy's brougham here put an endto this agreeable train of thought; and the banker and his lady steppedinto it to join a snug little family-party of two-and-twenty, given byMr. And Mrs. Secondchop at their great house on the other side of thePark. "Rowdys 2, Bungays 3, ourselves and mamma 3, 2 Sawyers, " calculatedlittle Rosa. "General Gulpin, " Rosa continued, "eats a great deal, and is verystupid, but he looks well at table with his star and ribbon. Let usput HIM down!" and she noted down "Sir Thomas and Lady Gulpin, 2. LordCastlemouldy, 1. " "You will make your party abominably genteel and stupid, " groanedTimmins. "Why don't you ask some of our old friends? Old Mrs. Portmanhas asked us twenty times, I am sure, within the last two years. " "And the last time we went there, there was pea-soup for dinner!" Mrs. Timmins said, with a look of ineffable scorn. "Nobody can have been kinder than the Hodges have always been to us; andsome sort of return we might make, I think. " "Return, indeed! A pretty sound it is on the staircase to hear 'Mr. AndMrs. 'Odge and Miss 'Odges' pronounced by Billiter, who always leaveshis h's out. No, no: see attorneys at your chambers, my dear--butwhat could the poor creatures do in OUR society?" And so, one by one, Timmins's old friends were tried and eliminated by Mrs. Timmins, just asif she had been an Irish Attorney-General, and they so many Catholics onMr. Mitchel's jury. Mrs. Fitzroy insisted that the party should be of her very best company. Funnyman, the great wit, was asked, because of his jokes; and Mrs. Butt, on whom he practises; and Potter, who is asked because everybody elseasks him; and Mr. Ranville Ranville of the Foreign Office, who mightgive some news of the Spanish squabble; and Botherby, who has suddenlysprung up into note because he is intimate with the French Revolution, and visits Ledru-Rollin and Lamartine. And these, with a couple more whoare amis de la maison, made up the twenty, whom Mrs. Timmins thought shemight safely invite to her little dinner. But the deuce of it was, that when the answers to the invitations cameback, everybody accepted! Here was a pretty quandary. How they were toget twenty into their dining-room was a calculation which poor Timminscould not solve at all; and he paced up and down the little room indismay. "Pooh!" said Rosa with a laugh. "Your sister Blanche looked very well inone of my dresses last year; and you know how stout she is. We will findsome means to accommodate them all, depend upon it. " Mrs. John Rowdy's note to dear Rosa, accepting the latter's invitation, was a very gracious and kind one; and Mrs. Fitz showed it to her husbandwhen he came back from chambers. But there was another note which hadarrived for him by this time from Mr. Rowdy--or rather from the firm;and to the effect that Mr. F. Timmins had overdrawn his account 28L. 18s. 6d. , and was requested to pay that sum to his obedient servants, Stumpy, Rowdy and Co. ***** And Timmins did not like to tell his wife that the contending parties inthe Lough Foyle and Lough Corrib Railroad had come to a settlement, andthat the fifteen guineas a day had consequently determined. "I have hadseven days of it, though, " he thought; "and that will be enough topay for the desk, the dinner, and the glasses, and make all right withStumpy and Rowdy. " III. The cards for dinner having been issued, it became the duty of Mrs. Timmins to make further arrangements respecting the invitations to thetea-party which was to follow the more substantial meal. These arrangements are difficult, as any lady knows who is in the habitof entertaining her friends. There are-- People who are offended if you ask them to tea whilst others have beenasked to dinner; People who are offended if you ask them to tea at all; and cry outfuriously, "Good heavens! Jane my love, why do these Timminses supposethat I am to leave my dinner-table to attend their ----- soiree?" (thedear reader may fill up the ----- to any strength, according to hisliking)--or, "Upon my word, William my dear, it is too much to ask us topay twelve shillings for a brougham, and to spend I don't know howmuch in gloves, just to make our curtsies in Mrs. Timmins's littledrawing-room. " Mrs. Moser made the latter remark about the Timminsaffair, while the former was uttered by Mr. Grumpley, barrister-at-law, to his lady, in Gloucester Place. That there are people who are offended if you don't ask them at all, isa point which I suppose nobody will question. Timmins's earliest friendin life was Simmins, whose wife and family have taken a cottage atMortlake for the season. "We can't ask them to come out of the country, " Rosa said to herFitzroy--(between ourselves, she was delighted that Mrs. Simmins wasout of the way, and was as jealous of her as every well-regulated womanshould be of her husband's female friends)--"we can't ask them to comeso far for the evening. " "Why, no, certainly. " said Fitzroy, who has himself no very greatopinion of a tea-party; and so the Simminses were cut out of the list. And what was the consequence? The consequence was, that Simmins andTimmins cut when they met at Westminster; that Mrs. Simmins sent backall the books which she had borrowed from Rosa, with a withering note ofthanks; that Rosa goes about saying that Mrs. Simmins squints; that Mrs. S. , on her side, declares that Rosa is crooked, and behaved shamefullyto Captain Hicks in marrying Fitzroy over him, though she was forced todo it by her mother, and prefers the Captain to her husband to this day. If, in a word, these two men could be made to fight, I believe theirwives would not be displeased; and the reason of all this misery, rage, and dissension, lies in a poor little twopenny dinner-party in LilliputStreet. Well, the guests, both for before and after meat, having been asked, old Mrs. Gashleigh, Rosa's mother--(and, by consequence, Fitzroy'sDEAR mother-in-law, though I promise you that "dear" is particularlysarcastic)--Mrs. Gashleigh of course was sent for, and came with MissEliza Gashleigh, who plays on the guitar, and Emily, who limps a little, but plays sweetly on the concertina. They live close by--trust them forthat. Your mother-in-law is always within hearing, thank our stars forthe attention of the dear women. The Gashleighs, I say, live close by, and came early on the morning after Rosa's notes had been issued for thedinner. When Fitzroy, who was in his little study, which opens into his littledining-room--one of those absurd little rooms which ought to be calleda gentleman's pantry, and is scarcely bigger than a shower-bath, or astate cabin in a ship--when Fitzroy heard his mother-in-law's knock, and her well-known scuffling and chattering in the passage--in whichshe squeezed up young Buttons, the page, while she put questions to himregarding baby, and the cook's health, and whether she had taken whatMrs. Gashleigh had sent overnight, and the housemaid's health, andwhether Mr. Timmins had gone to chambers or not--and when, after thispreliminary chatter, Buttons flung open the door, announcing--"Mrs. Gashleigh and the young ladies, " Fitzroy laid down his Times newspaperwith an expression that had best not be printed here, and took his hatand walked away. Mrs. Gashleigh has never liked him since he left off calling her mamma, and kissing her. But he said he could not stand it any longer--he washanged if he would. So he went away to chambers, leaving the field clearto Rosa, mamma, and the two dear girls. Or to one of them, rather: for before leaving the house, he thought hewould have a look at little Fitzroy up stairs in the nursery, and hefound the child in the hands of his maternal aunt Eliza, who was holdinghim and pinching him as if he had been her guitar, I suppose; so thatthe little fellow bawled pitifully--and his father finally quitted thepremises. No sooner was he gone, although the party was still a fortnight off, than the women pounced upon his little study, and began to put it inorder. Some of his papers they pushed up over the bookcase, some theyput behind the Encyclopaedia. Some they crammed into the drawers--whereMrs. Gashleigh found three cigars, which she pocketed, and some letters, over which she cast her eye; and by Fitz's return they had the room asneat as possible, and the best glass and dessert-service mustered on thestudy table. It was a very neat and handsome service, as you may be sure Mrs. Gashleigh thought, whose rich uncle had purchased it for the youngcouple, at Spode and Copeland's; but it was only for twelve persons. It was agreed that it would be, in all respects, cheaper and better topurchase a dozen more dessert-plates; and with "my silver basket inthe centre, " Mrs. G. Said (she is always bragging about that confoundedbread-basket), "we need not have any extra china dishes, and the tablewill look very pretty. " On making a roll-call of the glass, it was calculated that at least adozen or so tumblers, four or five dozen wines, eight water-bottles, anda proper quantity of ice-plates, were requisite; and that, as they wouldalways be useful, it would be best to purchase the articles immediately. Fitz tumbled over the basket containing them, which stood in the hall ashe came in from chambers, and over the boy who had brought them--and thelittle bill. The women had had a long debate, and something like a quarrel, it mustbe owned, over the bill of fare. Mrs. Gashleigh, who had lived a greatpart of her life in Devonshire, and kept house in great state there, was famous for making some dishes, without which, she thought, no dinnercould be perfect. When she proposed her mock-turtle, and stewed pigeons, and gooseberry-cream, Rosa turned up her nose--a pretty little nose itwas, by the way, and with a natural turn in that direction. "Mock-turtle in June, mamma!" said she. "It was good enough for your grandfather, Rosa, " the mamma replied: "itwas good enough for the Lord High Admiral, when he was at Plymouth; itwas good enough for the first men in the county, and relished by LordFortyskewer and Lord Rolls; Sir Lawrence Porker ate twice of it afterExeter races; and I think it might be good enough for--" "I will NOT have it, mamma!" said Rosa, with a stamp of her foot; andMrs. Gashleigh knew what resolution there was in that. Once, when shehad tried to physic the baby, there had been a similar fight betweenthem. So Mrs. Gashleigh made out a carte, in which the soup was left witha dash--a melancholy vacuum; and in which the pigeons were certainlythrust in among the entrees; but Rosa determined they never should makean entree at all into HER dinner-party, but that she would have thedinner her own way. When Fitz returned, then, and after he had paid the little bill of 6L. 14s. 6d. For the glass, Rosa flew to him with her sweetest smiles, andthe baby in her arms. And after she had made him remark how the childgrew every day more and more like him, and after she had treated him toa number of compliments and caresses, which it were positively fulsometo exhibit in public, and after she had soothed him into good humorby her artless tenderness, she began to speak to him about some littlepoints which she had at heart. She pointed out with a sigh how shabby the old curtains looked since thedear new glasses which her darling Fitz had given her had been put up inthe drawing-room. Muslin curtains cost nothing, and she must and wouldhave them. The muslin curtains were accorded. She and Fitz went and bought themat Shoolbred's, when you may be sure she treated herself likewise toa neat, sweet pretty half-mourning (for the Court, you know, is inmourning)--a neat sweet barege, or calimanco, or bombazine, or tiffany, or some such thing; but Madame Camille, of Regent Street, made it up, and Rosa looked like an angel in it on the night of her little dinner. "And, my sweet, " she continued, after the curtains had been accorded, "mamma and I have been talking about the dinner. She wants to makeit very expensive, which I cannot allow. I have been thinking of adelightful and economical plan, and you, my sweetest Fitz, must put itinto execution. " "I have cooked a mutton-chop when I was in chambers, " Fitz said with alaugh. "Am I to put on a cap and an apron?" "No: but you are to go to the 'Megatherium Club' (where, you wretch, you are always going without my leave), and you are to beg MonsieurMirobolant, your famous cook, to send you one of his best aides-de-camp, as I know he will, and with his aid we can dress the dinner andthe confectionery at home for ALMOST NOTHING, and we can show thosepurse-proud Topham Sawyers and Rowdys that the HUMBLE COTTAGE canfurnish forth an elegant entertainment as well as the gilded halls ofwealth. " Fitz agreed to speak to Monsieur Mirobolant. If Rosa had had a fancyfor the cook of the Prime Minister, I believe the deluded creature of ahusband would have asked Lord John for the loan of him. IV. Fitzroy Timmins, whose taste for wine is remarkable for so young a man, is a member of the committee of the "Megatherium Club, " and the greatMirobolant, good-natured as all great men are, was only too happy tooblige him. A young friend and protege of his, of considerable merit, M. Cavalcadour, happened to be disengaged through the lamented deathof Lord Hauncher, with whom young Cavalcadour had made his debut as anartist. He had nothing to refuse to his master, Mirobolant, and wouldimpress himself to be useful to a gourmet so distinguished as MonsieurTimmins. Fitz went away as pleased as Punch with this encomium of thegreat Mirobolant, and was one of those who voted against the decreasingof Mirobolant's salary, when the measure was proposed by Mr. Parings, Colonel Close, and the Screw party in the committee of the club. Faithful to the promise of his great master, the youthful Cavalcadourcalled in Lilliput Street the next day. A rich crimson velvet waistcoat, with buttons of blue glass and gold, a variegated blue satin stock, overwhich a graceful mosaic chain hung in glittering folds, a white hatworn on one side of his long curling ringlets, redolent with the mostdelightful hair-oil--one of those white hats which looks as if it hadbeen just skinned--and a pair of gloves not exactly of the color ofbeurre frais, but of beurre that has been up the chimney, with a nattycane with a gilt knob, completed the upper part at any rate, of thecostume of the young fellow whom the page introduced to Mrs. Timmins. Her mamma and she had been just having a dispute about thegooseberry-cream when Cavalcadour arrived. His presence silenced Mrs. Gashleigh; and Rosa, in carrying on a conversation with him in theFrench language--which she had acquired perfectly in an elegantfinishing establishment in Kensington Square--had a great advantageover her mother, who could only pursue the dialogue with very muchdifficulty, eying one or other interlocutor with an alarmed andsuspicious look, and gasping out "We" whenever she thought a properopportunity arose for the use of that affirmative. "I have two leetl menus weez me, " said Cavalcadour to Mrs. Gashleigh. "Minews--yes, --oh, indeed?" answered the lady. "Two little cartes. " "Oh, two carts! Oh, we, " she said. "Coming, I suppose?" And she lookedout of the window to see if they were there. Cavalcadour smiled. He produced from a pocket-book a pink paper anda blue paper, on which he had written two bills of fare--the last twowhich he had composed for the lamented Hauncher--and he handed theseover to Mrs. Fitzroy. The poor little woman was dreadfully puzzled with these documents, (shehas them in her possession still, ) and began to read from the pink oneas follows:-- "DINER POUR 16 PERSONNES. Potage (clair) a la Rigodon. Do. A la Prince de Tombuctou. Deux Poissons. Saumon de Severne Rougets Gratines a la Boadicee. A la Cleopatre. Deux Releves. Le Chapeau-a-trois-cornes farci a la Robespierre. Le Tire-botte a l'Odalisque. Six Entrees. Saute de Hannetons a l'Epingliere. Cotelettes a la Megatherium. Bourrasque de Veau a la Palsambleu. Laitances de Carpe en goguette a la Reine Pomare. Turban de Volaille a l'Archeveque de Cantorbery. " And so on with the entremets, and hors d'oeuvres, and the rotis, and thereleves. "Madame will see that the dinners are quite simple, " said M. Cavalcadour. "Oh, quite!" said Rosa, dreadfully puzzled. "Which would Madame like?" "Which would we like, mamma?" Rosa asked; adding, as if after a littlethought, "I think, sir, we should prefer the blue one. " At which Mrs. Gashleigh nodded as knowingly as she could; though pink or blue, I defyanybody to know what these cooks mean by their jargon. "If you please, Madame, we will go down below and examine the scene ofoperations, " Monsieur Cavalcadour said; and so he was marshalled downthe stairs to the kitchen, which he didn't like to name, and appearedbefore the cook in all his splendor. He cast a rapid glance round the premises, and a smile of something likecontempt lighted up his features. "Will you bring pen and ink, ifyou please, and I will write down a few of the articles which will benecessary for us? We shall require, if you please, eight more stew-pans, a couple of braising-pans, eight saute-pans, six bainmarie-pans, afreezing-pot with accessories, and a few more articles of which I willinscribe the names. " And Mr. Cavalcadour did so, dashing down, with therapidity of genius, a tremendous list of ironmongery goods, which hehanded over to Mrs. Timmins. She and her mamma were quite frightened bythe awful catalogue. "I will call three days hence and superintend the progress of matters;and we will make the stock for the soup the day before the dinner. " "Don't you think, sir, " here interposed Mrs. Gashleigh, "that onesoup--a fine rich mock-turtle, such as I have seen in the best houses inthe West of England, and such as the late Lord Fortyskewer--" "You will get what is wanted for the soups, if you please, " Mr. Cavalcadour continued, not heeding this interruption, and as bold as acaptain on his own quarter-deck: "for the stock of clear soup, you willget a leg of beef, a leg of veal, and a ham. " "We, munseer, " said the cook, dropping a terrified curtsy: "a leg ofbeef, a leg of veal, and a ham. " "You can't serve a leg of veal at a party, " said Mrs. Gashleigh; "and aleg of beef is not a company dish. " "Madame, they are to make the stock of the clear soup, " Mr. Cavalcadoursaid. "WHAT!" cried Mrs. Gashleigh; and the cook repeated his formerexpression. "Never, whilst I am in this house, " cried out Mrs. Gashleigh, indignantly; "never in a Christian ENGLISH household; never shall suchsinful waste be permitted by ME. If you wish me to dine, Rosa, you mustget a dinner less EXPENSIVE. The Right Honorable Lord Fortyskewer coulddine, sir, without these wicked luxuries, and I presume my daughter'sguests can. " "Madame is perfectly at liberty to decide, " said M. Cavalcadour. "I cameto oblige Madame and my good friend Mirobolant, not myself. " "Thank you, sir, I think it WILL be too expensive, " Rosa stammered in agreat flutter; "but I am very much obliged to you. " "Il n'y a point d'obligation, Madame, " said Monsieur Alcide CamilleCavalcadour in his most superb manner; and, making a splendid bow to thelady of the house, was respectfully conducted to the upper regions bylittle Buttons, leaving Rosa frightened, the cook amazed and silent, andMrs. Gashleigh boiling with indignation against the dresser. Up to that moment, Mrs. Blowser, the cook, who had come out ofDevonshire with Mrs. Gashleigh (of course that lady garrisonedher daughter's house with servants, and expected them to give herinformation of everything which took place there) up to that moment, Isay, the cook had been quite contented with that subterraneous stationwhich she occupied in life, and had a pride in keeping her kitchen neat, bright, and clean. It was, in her opinion, the comfortablest room in thehouse (we all thought so when we came down of a night to smoke there), and the handsomest kitchen in Lilliput Street. But after the visit of Cavalcadour, the cook became quite discontentedand uneasy in her mind. She talked in a melancholy manner over thearea-railings to the cooks at twenty-three and twenty-five. She steppedover the way, and conferred with the cook there. She made inquiries atthe baker's and at other places about the kitchens in the greathouses in Brobdingnag Gardens, and how many spits, bangmarry-pans, andstoo-pans they had. She thought she could not do with an occasionalhelp, but must have a kitchen-maid. And she was often discovered bya gentleman of the police force, who was, I believe, her cousin, andoccasionally visited her when Mrs. Gashleigh was not in the house orspying it:--she was discovered seated with MRS. RUNDELL in her lap, its leaves bespattered with her tears. "My pease be gone, Pelisse, "she said, "zins I zaw that ther Franchman!" And it was all the faithfulfellow could do to console her. "---- the dinner!" said Timmins, in a rage at last. "Having it cookedin the house is out of the question. The bother of it, and the row yourmother makes, are enough to drive one mad. It won't happen again, Ican promise you, Rosa. Order it at Fubsby's, at once. You can haveeverything from Fubsby's--from footmen to saltspoons. Let's go and orderit at Fubsby's. " "Darling, if you don't mind the expense, and it will be any relief toyou, let us do as you wish, " Rosa said; and she put on her bonnet, andthey went off to the grand cook and confectioner of the Brobdingnagquarter. V. On the arm of her Fitzroy, Rosa went off to Fubsby's, that magnificentshop at the corner of Parliament Place and Alicompayne Square, --ashop into which the rogue had often cast a glance of approbation as hepassed: for there are not only the most wonderful and delicious cakesand confections in the window, but at the counter there are almost sureto be three or four of the prettiest women in the whole of this world, with little darling caps of the last French make, with beautiful wavyhair, and the neatest possible waists and aprons. Yes, there they sit; and others, perhaps, besides Fitz have cast asheep's-eye through those enormous plate-glass windowpanes. I suppose itis the fact of perpetually living among such a quantity of good thingsthat makes those young ladies so beautiful. They come into the place, let us say, like ordinary people, and gradually grow handsomer andhandsomer, until they grow out into the perfect angels you see. It can'tbe otherwise: if you and I, my dear fellow, were to have a course ofthat place, we should become beautiful too. They live in an atmosphereof the most delicious pine-apples, blanc-manges, creams, (some whipt, and some so good that of course they don't want whipping, ) jellies, tipsy-cakes, cherry-brandy--one hundred thousand sweet and lovelythings. Look at the preserved fruits, look at the golden ginger, theoutspreading ananas, the darling little rogues of China oranges, rangedin the gleaming crystal cylinders. Mon Dieu! Look at the strawberriesin the leaves. Each of them is as large nearly as a lady's reticule, andlooks as if it had been brought up in a nursery to itself. One of thosestrawberries is a meal for those young ladies, behind the counter; theynibble off a little from the side, and if they are very hungry, which can scarcely ever happen, they are allowed to go to the crystalcanisters and take out a rout-cake or macaroon. In the evening they sitand tell each other little riddles out of the bonbons; and when theywish to amuse themselves, they read the most delightful remarks, in theFrench language, about Love, and Cupid, and Beauty, before they placethem inside the crackers. They always are writing down good things intoMr. Fubsby's ledgers. It must be a perfect feast to read them. Talk ofthe Garden of Eden! I believe it was nothing to Mr. Fubsby's house; andI have no doubt that after those young ladies have been there a certaintime, they get to such a pitch of loveliness at last, that they becomecomplete angels, with wings sprouting out of their lovely shoulders, when (after giving just a preparatory balance or two) they fly up to thecounter and perch there for a minute, hop down again, and affectionatelykiss the other young ladies, and say, "Good-by, dears! We shall meetagain la haut. " And then with a whir of their deliciously scented wings, away they fly for good, whisking over the trees of Brobdingnag Square, and up into the sky, as the policeman touches his hat. It is up there that they invent the legends for the crackers, and thewonderful riddles and remarks on the bonbons. No mortal, I am sure, could write them. I never saw a man in such a state as Fitzroy Timmins in the presence ofthose ravishing houris. Mrs. Fitz having explained that they required adinner for twenty persons, the chief young lady asked what Mr. AndMrs. Fitz would like, and named a thousand things, each better than theother, to all of which Fitz instantly said yes. The wretch was in sucha state of infatuation that I believe if that lady had proposed to him africasseed elephant, or a boa-constrictor in jelly, he would have said, "O yes, certainly; put it down. " That Peri wrote down in her album a list of things which it would makeyour mouth water to listen to. But she took it all quite calmly. Heavenbless you! THEY don't care about things that are no delicacies to them!But whatever she chose to write down, Fitzroy let her. After the dinner and dessert were ordered (at Fubsby's they furnisheverything: dinner and dessert, plate and china, servants in your ownlivery, and, if you please, guests of title too), the married coupleretreated from that shop of wonders; Rosa delighted that the trouble ofthe dinner was all off their hands but she was afraid it would be ratherexpensive. "Nothing can be too expensive which pleases YOU, dear, " Fitz said. "By the way, one of those young women was rather good-looking, " Rosaremarked: "the one in the cap with the blue ribbons. " (And she castabout the shape of the cap in her mind, and determined to have exactlysuch another. ) "Think so? I didn't observe, " said the miserable hypocrite by her side;and when he had seen Rosa home, he went back, like an infamous fiend, toorder something else which he had forgotten, he said, at Fubsby's. Getout of that Paradise, you cowardly, creeping, vile serpent you! Until the day of the dinner, the infatuated fop was ALWAYS goingto Fubsby's. HE WAS REMARKED THERE. He used to go before he went tochambers in the morning, and sometimes on his return from the Temple:but the morning was the time which he preferred; and one day, when hewent on one of his eternal pretexts, and was chattering and flirting atthe counter, a lady who had been reading yesterday's paper and eatinga halfpenny bun for an hour in the back shop (if that paradise may becalled a shop)--a lady stepped forward, laid down the Morning Herald, and confronted him. That lady was Mrs. Gashleigh. From that day the miserable Fitzroy was inher power; and she resumed a sway over his house, to shake off which hadbeen the object of his life, and the result of many battles. And for amere freak--(for, on going into Fubsby's a week afterwards he found thePeris drinking tea out of blue cups, and eating stale bread and butter, when his absurd passion instantly vanished)--I say, for a mere freak, the most intolerable burden of his life was put on his shouldersagain--his mother-in-law. On the day before the little dinner took place--and I promise youwe shall come to it in the very next chapter--a tall and elegantmiddle-aged gentleman, who might have passed for an earl but that therewas a slight incompleteness about his hands and feet, the former beinguncommonly red, and the latter large and irregular, was introduced toMrs. Timmins by the page, who announced him as Mr. Truncheon. "I'm Truncheon, Ma'am, " he said, with a low bow. "Indeed!" said Rosa. "About the dinner M'm, from Fubsby's, M'm. As you have no butler, M'm, I presume you will wish me to act as sich. I shall bring two personsas haids to-morrow; both answers to the name of John. I'd best, if youplease, inspect the premisis, and will think you to allow your young manto show me the pantry and kitching. " Truncheon spoke in a low voice, and with the deepest and most respectfulmelancholy. There is not much expression in his eyes, but from whatthere is, you would fancy that he was oppressed by a secret sorrow. Rosatrembled as she surveyed this gentleman's size, his splendid appearance, and gravity. "I am sure, " she said, "I never shall dare to ask himto hand a glass of water. " Even Mrs. Gashleigh, when she came on themorning of the actual dinner-party, to superintend matters, was cowed, and retreated from the kitchen before the calm majesty of Truncheon. And yet that great man was, like all the truly great--affable. He put aside his coat and waistcoat (both of evening cut, and lookingprematurely splendid as he walked the streets in noonday), and did notdisdain to rub the glasses and polish the decanters, and to show youngButtons the proper mode of preparing these articles for a dinner. Andwhile he operated, the maids, and Buttons, and cook, when she could--andwhat had she but the vegetables to boil?--crowded round him, andlistened with wonder as he talked of the great families as he had livedwith. That man, as they saw him there before them, had been cab-boyto Lord Tantallan, valet to the Earl of Bareacres, and groom of thechambers to the Duchess Dowager of Fitzbattleaxe. Oh, it was delightfulto hear Mr. Truncheon! VI. On the great, momentous, stupendous day of the dinner, my beloved femalereader may imagine that Fitzroy Timmins was sent about his business atan early hour in the morning, while the women began to make preparationsto receive their guests. "There will be no need of your going toFubsby's, " Mrs. Gashleigh said to him, with a look that drove him outof doors. "Everything that we require has been ordered THERE! You willplease to be back here at six o'clock, and not sooner: and I presume youwill acquiesce in my arrangements about the WINE?" "O yes, mamma, " said the prostrate son-in-law. "In so large a party--a party beyond some folks MEANS--expensive WINESare ABSURD. The light sherry at 26s. , the champagne at 42s. ; and you arenot to go beyond 36s. For the claret and port after dinner. Mind, coffeewill be served; and you come up stairs after two rounds of the claret. " "Of course, of course, " acquiesced the wretch; and hurried out of thehouse to his chambers, and to discharge the commissions with which thewomankind had intrusted him. As for Mrs. Gashleigh, you might have heard her bawling over the housethe whole day long. That admirable woman was everywhere: in the kitchenuntil the arrival of Truncheon, before whom she would not retreatwithout a battle; on the stairs; in Fitzroy's dressing-room; and inFitzroy minor's nursery, to whom she gave a dose of her own composition, while the nurse was sent out on a pretext to make purchases of garnishfor the dishes to be served for the little dinner. Garnish for thedishes! As if the folks at Fubsby's could not garnish dishes better thanGashleigh, with her stupid old-world devices of laurel-leaves, parsley, and cut turnips! Why, there was not a dish served that day that was notcovered over with skewers, on which truffles, crayfish, mushrooms, and forced-meat were impaled. When old Gashleigh went down with herbarbarian bunches of holly and greens to stick about the meats, even thecook saw their incongruity, and, at Truncheon's orders, flung the wholeshrubbery into the dust-house, where, while poking about the premises, you may be sure Mrs. G. Saw it. Every candle which was to be burned that night (including the tallowcandle, which she said was a good enough bed-light for Fitzroy)she stuck into the candlesticks with her own hands, giving her ownhigh-shouldered plated candlesticks of the year 1798 the place of honor. She upset all poor Rosa's floral arrangements, turning the nosegaysfrom one vase into the other without any pity, and was never tired ofbeating, and pushing, and patting, and WHAPPING the curtain and sofadraperies into shape in the little drawing-room. In Fitz's own apartments she revelled with peculiar pleasure. It hasbeen described how she had sacked his study and pushed away his papers, some of which, including three cigars, and the commencement of anarticle for the Law Magazine, "Lives of the Sheriffs' Officers, " he hasnever been able to find to this day. Mamma now went into the little roomin the back regions, which is Fitz's dressing-room, (and was destined tobe a cloak-room, ) and here she rummaged to her heart's delight. In an incredibly short space of time she examined all his outlyingpockets, drawers, and letters; she inspected his socks andhandkerchiefs in the top drawers; and on the dressing-table, hisrazors, shaving-strop, and hair-oil. She carried off his silver-toppedscent-bottle out of his dressing-case, and a half-dozen of his favoritepills (which Fitz possesses in common with every well-regulated man), and probably administered them to her own family. His boots, glossypumps, and slippers she pushed into the shower-bath, where the poorfellow stepped into them the next morning, in the midst of a pool inwhich they were lying. The baby was found sucking his boot-hooks thenext day in the nursery; and as for the bottle of varnish for his shoes, (which he generally paints upon the trees himself, having a pretty tastein that way, ) it could never be found to the present hour but it wasremarked that the young Master Gashleighs, when they came home for theholidays, always wore lacquered highlows; and the reader may draw hisconclusions from THAT fact. In the course of the day all the servants gave Mrs. Timmins warning. The cook said she coodn't abear it no longer, 'aving Mrs. G. Alwaysabout her kitching, with her fingers in all the saucepans. Mrs. G. Hadgot her the place, but she preferred one as Mrs. G. Didn't get for her. The nurse said she was come to nuss Master Fitzroy, and knew her duty;his grandmamma wasn't his nuss, and was always aggrawating her, --missusmust shoot herself elsewhere. The housemaid gave utterance to the same sentiments in language moreviolent. Little Buttons bounced up to his mistress, said he was butler of thefamily, Mrs. G. Was always poking about his pantry, and dam if he'dstand it. At every moment Rosa grew more and more bewildered. The baby howled agreat deal during the day. His large china christening-bowl was crackedby Mrs. Gashleigh altering the flowers in it, and pretending to be verycool, whilst her hands shook with rage. "Pray go on, mamma, " Rosa said with tears in her eyes. "Should you liketo break the chandelier?" "Ungrateful, unnatural child!" bellowed the other. "Only that I know youcouldn't do without me, I'd leave the house this minute. " "As you wish, " said Rosa; but Mrs. G. DIDN'T wish: and in this junctureTruncheon arrived. That officer surveyed the dining-room, laid the cloth there withadmirable precision and neatness; ranged the plate on the sideboard withgraceful accuracy, but objected to that old thing in the centre, as hecalled Mrs. Gashleigh's silver basket, as cumbrous and useless for thetable, where they would want all the room they could get. Order was not restored to the house, nor, indeed, any decent progressmade, until this great man came: but where there was a revolt before, and a general disposition to strike work and to yell out defianceagainst Mrs. Gashleigh, who was sitting bewildered and furious in thedrawing-room--where there was before commotion, at the appearance of themaster-spirit, all was peace and unanimity: the cook went back to herpans, the housemaid busied herself with the china and glass, cleaningsome articles and breaking others, Buttons sprang up and down thestairs, obedient to the orders of his chief, and all things went welland in their season. At six, the man with the wine came from Binney and Latham's. At aquarter past six, Timmins himself arrived. At half past six he might have been heard shouting out for his varnishedboots but we know where THOSE had been hidden--and for his dressingthings; but Mrs. Gashleigh had put them away. As in his vain inquiries for these articles he stood shouting, "Nurse!Buttons! Rosa my dear!" and the most fearful execrations up and down thestairs, Mr. Truncheon came out on him. "Egscuse me, sir, " says he, "but it's impawsable. We can't dine twentyat that table--not if you set 'em out awinder, we can't. " "What's to be done?" asked Fitzroy, in an agony; "they've all saidthey'd come. " "Can't do it, " said the other; "with two top and bottom--and your tableis as narrow as a bench--we can't hold more than heighteen, and theneach person's helbows will be into his neighbor's cheer. " "Rosa! Mrs. Gashleigh!" cried out Timmins, "come down and speak to thisgentl--this--" "Truncheon, sir, " said the man. The women descended from the drawing-room. "Look and see, ladies, " hesaid, inducting them into the dining-room: "there's the room, there'sthe table laid for heighteen, and I defy you to squeege in more. " "One person in a party always fails, " said Mrs. Gashleigh, gettingalarmed. "That's nineteen, " Mr. Truncheon remarked. "We must knock another hoff, Ma'm. " And he looked her hard in the face. Mrs. Gashleigh was very red and nervous, and paced, or rather squeezedround the table (it was as much as she could do). The chairs could notbe put any closer than they were. It was impossible, unless the convivesat as a centre-piece in the middle, to put another guest at that table. "Look at that lady movin' round, sir. You see now the difficklty. Ifmy men wasn't thinner, they couldn't hoperate at all, " Mr. Truncheonobserved, who seemed to have a spite to Mrs. Gashleigh. "What is to be done?" she said, with purple accents. "My dearest mamma, " Rosa cried out, "you must stop at home--how sorry Iam!" And she shot one glance at Fitzroy, who shot another at the greatTruncheon, who held down his eyes. "We could manage with heighteen, " hesaid, mildly. Mrs. Gashleigh gave a hideous laugh. ***** She went away. At eight o'clock she was pacing at the corner of thestreet, and actually saw the company arrive. First came the TophamSawyers, in their light-blue carriage with the white hammercloth andblue and white ribbons--their footmen drove the house down with theknocking. Then followed the ponderous and snuff-colored vehicle, with faded giltwheels and brass earl's coronets all over it, the conveyance of theHouse of Bungay. The Countess of Bungay and daughter stepped out of thecarriage. The fourteenth Earl of Bungay couldn't come. Sir Thomas and Lady Gulpin's fly made its appearance, from which issuedthe General with his star, and Lady Gulpin in yellow satin. The Rowdys'brougham followed next; after which Mrs. Butt's handsome equipage droveup. The two friends of the house, young gentlemen from the Temple, nowarrived in cab No. 9996. We tossed up, in fact, which should pay thefare. Mr. Ranville Ranville walked, and was dusting his boots as the Templarsdrove up. Lord Castlemouldy came out of a twopenny omnibus. Funnyman, the wag, came last, whirling up rapidly in a hansom, just as Mrs. Gashleigh, with rage in her heart, was counting that two people hadfailed, and that there were only seventeen after all. Mr. Truncheon passed our names to Mr. Billiter, who bawled them out onthe stairs. Rosa was smiling in a pink dress, and looking as fresh asan angel, and received her company with that grace which has alwayscharacterized her. The moment of the dinner arrived, old Lady Bungay scuffled off onthe arm of Fitzroy, while the rear was brought up by Rosa and LordCastlemouldy, of Ballyshanvanvoght Castle, co, Tipperary. Some fellowswho had the luck took down ladies to dinner. I was not sorry to be outof the way of Mrs. Rowdy, with her dandified airs, or of that high andmighty county princess, Mrs. Topham Sawyer. VII. Of course it does not become the present writer, who has partaken of thebest entertainment which his friends could supply, to make fun of their(somewhat ostentatious, as it must be confessed) hospitality. If theygave a dinner beyond their means, it is no business of mine. I hate aman who goes and eats a friend's meat, and then blabs the secrets ofthe mahogany. Such a man deserves never to be asked to dinner again; andthough at the close of a London season that seems no great loss, andyou sicken of a whitebait as you would of a whale--yet we must alwaysremember that there's another season coming, and hold our tongues forthe present. As for describing, then, the mere victuals on Timmins's table, thatwould be absurd. Everybody--(I mean of the genteel world of course, ofwhich I make no doubt the reader is a polite ornament)--Everybody hasthe same everything in London. You see the same coats, the same dinners, the same boiled fowls and mutton, the same cutlets, fish, andcucumbers, the same lumps of Wenham Lake ice, &c. The waiters with whiteneck-cloths are as like each other everywhere as the peas which theyhand round with the ducks of the second course. Can't any one inventanything new? The only difference between Timmins's dinner and his neighbor's was, that he had hired, as we have said, the greater part of the plate, andthat his cowardly conscience magnified faults and disasters of which noone else probably took heed. But Rosa thought, from the supercilious air with which Mrs. TophamSawyer was eying the plate and other arrangements, that she wasremarking the difference of the ciphers on the forks and spoons--whichhad, in fact, been borrowed from every one of Fitzroy's friends--(Iknow, for instance, that he had my six, among others, and only returnedfive, along with a battered old black-pronged plated abomination, whichI have no doubt belongs to Mrs. Gashleigh, whom I hereby request to sendback mine in exchange)--their guilty consciences, I say, made them fancythat every one was spying out their domestic deficiencies: whereas, itis probable that nobody present thought of their failings at all. Peoplenever do: they never see holes in their neighbors' coats--they are tooindolent, simple, and charitable. Some things, however, one could not help remarking: for instance, thoughFitz is my closest friend, yet could I avoid seeing and being amused byhis perplexity and his dismal efforts to be facetious? His eye wanderedall round the little room with quick uneasy glances, very different fromthose frank and jovial looks with which he is accustomed to welcome youto a leg of mutton; and Rosa, from the other end of the table, andover the flowers, entree dishes, and wine-coolers, telegraphed him withsignals of corresponding alarm. Poor devils! why did they ever go beyondthat leg of mutton? Funnyman was not brilliant in conversation, scarcely opening his mouth, except for the purposes of feasting. The fact is, our friend Tom Dawsonwas at table, who knew all his stories, and in his presence the greatestwag is always silent and uneasy. Fitz has a very pretty wit of his own, and a good reputation on circuit;but he is timid before great people. And indeed the presence of thatawful Lady Bungay on his right hand was enough to damp him. She was incourt mourning (for the late Prince of Schlippenschloppen). She had on alarge black funereal turban and appurtenances, and a vast breastplate oftwinkling, twiddling black bugles. No wonder a man could not be gay intalking to HER. Mrs. Rowdy and Mrs. Topham Sawyer love each other as women do who havethe same receiving nights, and ask the same society; they were onlyseparated by Ranville Ranville, who tries to be well with both and theytalked at each other across him. Topham and Rowdy growled out a conversation about Rum, Ireland, and theNavigation Laws, quite unfit for print. Sawyer never speaks three wordswithout mentioning the House and the Speaker. The Irish Peer said nothing (which was a comfort) but he ate and drankof everything which came in his way; and cut his usual absurd figure indyed whiskers and a yellow under-waistcoat. General Gulpin sported his star, and looked fat and florid, butmelancholy. His wife ordered away his dinner, just like honest Sancho'sphysician at Barataria. Botherby's stories about Lamartine are as old as the hills, since thebarricades of 1848; and he could not get in a word or cut the slightestfigure. And as for Tom Dawson, he was carrying on an undertonedsmall-talk with Lady Barbara St. Mary's, so that there was not muchconversation worth record going on WITHIN the dining-room. Outside it was different. Those houses in Lilliput Street are souncommonly compact, that you can hear everything which takes place allover the tenement; and so-- In the awful pauses of the banquet, and the hall-door being furthermoreopen, we had the benefit of hearing: The cook, and the occasional cook, below stairs, exchanging rapidphrases regarding the dinner; The smash of the soup-tureen, and swift descent of the kitchen-maid andsoup-ladle down the stairs to the lower regions. This accident created alaugh, and rather amused Fitzroy and the company, and caused Funnymanto say, bowing to Rosa, that she was mistress of herself, thoughChina fall. But she did not heed him, for at that moment another noisecommenced, namely, that of-- The baby in the upper rooms, who commenced a series of piercing yells, which, though stopped by the sudden clapping to of the nursery-door, were only more dreadful to the mother when suppressed. She wouldhave given a guinea to go up stairs and have done with the wholeentertainment. A thundering knock came at the door very early after the dessert, andthe poor soul took a speedy opportunity of summoning the ladies todepart, though you may be sure it was only old Mrs. Gashleigh, who hadcome with her daughters--of course the first person to come. I saw herred gown whisking up the stairs, which were covered with plates anddishes, over which she trampled. Instead of having any quiet after the retreat of the ladies, the housewas kept in a rattle, and the glasses jingled on the table as the flymenand coachmen plied the knocker, and the soiree came in. From my placeI could see everything: the guests as they arrived (I remarked very fewcarriages, mostly cabs and flies), and a little crowd of blackguard boysand children, who were formed round the door, and gave ironical cheersto the folks as they stepped out of their vehicles. As for the evening-party, if a crowd in the dog-days is pleasant, poorMrs. Timmins certainly had a successful soiree. You could hardly moveon the stair. Mrs. Sternhold broke in the banisters, and nearly fellthrough. There was such a noise and chatter you could not hear thesinging of the Miss Gashleighs, which was no great loss. Lady Bungaycould hardly get to her carriage, being entangled with Colonel Wedgewoodin the passage. An absurd attempt was made to get up a dance of somekind; but before Mrs. Crowder had got round the room, the hanging-lampin the dining-room below was stove in, and fell with a crash on thetable, now prepared for refreshment. Why, in fact, did the Timminses give that party at all? It was quitebeyond their means. They have offended a score of their old friends, and pleased none of their acquaintances. So angry were many who were notasked, that poor Rosa says she must now give a couple more partiesand take in those not previously invited. And I know for a factthat Fubsby's bill is not yet paid; nor Binney and Latham's thewine-merchants; that the breakage and hire of glass and china cost everso much money; that every true friend of Timmins has cried out againsthis absurd extravagance, and that now, when every one is going out oftown, Fitz has hardly money to pay his circuit, much more to take Rosato a watering-place, as he wished and promised. As for Mrs. Gashleigh, the only feasible plan of economy which shecan suggest, is that she could come and live with her daughter andson-in-law, and that they should keep house together. If he agrees tothis, she has a little sum at the banker's, with which she would notmind easing his present difficulties; and the poor wretch is so utterlybewildered and crestfallen that it is very likely he will become hervictim. The Topham Sawyers, when they go down into the country, will representFitz as a ruined man and reckless prodigal; his uncle, the attorney, from whom he has expectations, will most likely withdraw his business, and adopt some other member of his family--Blanche Crowder for instance, whose husband, the doctor, has had high words with poor Fitzroy already, of course at the women's instigation. And all these accumulated miseriesfall upon the unfortunate wretch because he was good-natured, and hiswife would have a Little Dinner.