[Transcriber's note: Irregularities in punctuation which were presentin the original have been corrected. Variants such as would'nt/wouldn't, could'nt/couldn't, was'nt/wasn't, have been retained. ]

 A

 CHRISTMAS STORY, BY

 DR. SAMUEL W. FRANCIS. 

 PUBLISHED BY GEORGE H. MATHEWS, 929 BROADWAY, NEW YORK. 

 1867. 

 A CHRISTMAS STORY. 

 MAN IN HIS ELEMENT: OR, A NEW WAY TO KEEP HOUSE. 

 BY DR. SAMUEL W. FRANCIS. 

PART I. 

_A WOMAN'S PLAN. _

'My dear Mary, ' said I, one morning, to my widowed sister, as she sankinto an arm chair in front of my library fire, and heaved a sigh repletewith exhaustion and sadness:

'What is the matter?'

'Enough for a woman, William, but of course, nothing for an old bachelorlike you, who have only to pay your own bills, eat your meals withoutthe trouble of ordering them; lounge through a clean house with nochasing after servants to sweep and wash and dust; sit in your study, heaping log after log on your devoted andirons, and always meeting mewith such a provoking cheerfulness, while I have not a moment to myself;am all the time running to give out stores to one girl; soap and starchto another; candles and linen to the chambermaid, and orders to thecoachman; and, even then, I have no peace; for, no sooner do I sit inthe nursery, hoping to derive a few minutes comfort from a quiet sew, than my ears are filled with the dissatisfaction of one girl; thecomplaints of another; the threatenings to leave of another, and thequarrels of all. I declare, William, I think it was too bad in you toinsist on our leaving that comfortable boarding house, where we lived somuch cheaper, and had no trouble. It was there, with my small family, that I appreciated the freedom from care that you old selfish, unsympathizing bachelors enjoy; and no wonder you laugh at us. The factis, you don't know anything about it; you ----'

'My dear Mary, ' I repeated, 'you have said enough--I only ask for a fewminutes to put this matter in a new light, and, in time, you yourselfwill be convinced. '

'That's all very well, William, but what's the use of talking to youmen. I never convinced one in my life. No sir! man is an animal thatnever acknowledges either that he is wrong, or that a woman is right. Itell you, servants are the bane of my existence. You cannot make themhappy, do what you may. Why, only the other day I gave Jane a nice pairof gaiters that I had but partially worn out. She thanked me, and I feltpleased that I had done one kind action, though it was a self-denial. The very next morning, in coming out of the kitchen, I passed the ashbarrel, and looked in it to see if the cinders would ever be sifted. What do you suppose I saw there, mixed up with lemon peel, tea leavesand ashes? My boots, William--the very pair I had given Jane the daybefore. '

'Well what did you do?'

'Do? Why as soon as I could recover I called her to me, and asked whyshe had thrown them there. ' She said without any excitement, that wasthe worst of it, 'I couldn't wear them Madam. '

'Why not?' I said. 

'They were too large for me. '

'Too large for her, the jade--think of that'--

'Don't say any more, Mary, I understand the case perfectly--and since wecannot argue upon the matter just listen to my views (without anyinterruption), in the form of a philosophical lecture. It will be verybrief but to the point. 

'Though I have never kept house, as I am an old man I must have livedsomewhere all my life. Being possessed of a healthy and observingintellect--I have seen and digested much; and it is all easy to my mind. I have heard you through as I have heard others through; I have seenyour sufferings and your trials, as I have seen many, very many sufferand endure trials, and I have solved the problem and told it all to mysegar!'

'Well now that is selfish, William!'

'Not at all my dear sister, what lady would tolerate the slightestinterference with her housekeeping? How long would you permit me to stayhere, in financial partnership, if I even offered one word of advice. '

'Oh, how unjust, speak out now and let me hear what you have confided toyour segar. '

'Well, in the first place, there are two kinds of ways to keep house. No. One is to keep your servants; No. Two is to be kept by them. Hereinis the key note of much trouble. Another difficulty is fear. I have beenperfectly amazed to listen to ladies when asking a waiter to dosomething for them. Just think of it. I heard Mrs. ----, at table theother day, turn round and look towards a red headed, uplifted girl, witha conciliatory smile and say, 'Betty, would you mind giving me a glassof water?'

'Zounds madam, I wanted to scream!--and only last night, while paying avisit I heard a lady who rules her elegant husband to within an inch ofhis life, say to the waiter, 'John, please put on your things and muffleup well, for it is very cold and do take this note to Mrs. Henry's' and, almost with the same breath, she turned on her husband and said, 'Albert, go down and get that medicine _at once_ for you know I cannotretire till I take it--you can see _your_ friend any time, ' looking atme in a hard manner and then at the clock. 'Now what do you call that?That woman has courage to meet her equals and put all things straight;but a menial crushes her. '

'Well, of course you don't understand those things, William, but I do. '

'I suppose so, but I don't want to. It is all wrong--all _humbug_, allTRASH!' I exclaimed as my excitement knocked the ashes of my segar overmy clean shirt. 

'What would you have us do?' exclaimed Mary, a little nettled at my lastremark. 

'Do?' I replied, with emphasis; 'let the men keep house. Watch them, andlearn the true method, which has for its motto, "Maximum of work, Minimum of trouble. "'

By this time I began to feel anxious. --My sister had gone off into a fitof laughter that at first greatly roused my ire, but ultimatelyawakened anxiety, for she could not gain her breath. I rang for aservant; of course none came, for she always had to call them. 'Theywere having such a good time down stairs, they could not hear the bell, 'so I poured out a glass of water, and, while she drank, seized thepoker; stirred up the dying embers; put on a good back log; lit a largeand strong Cabana to lend zest to my courage, and prepared to make onemore effort for victory. 

Gradually subsiding into a few occasional chromatic giggles, Mary lookedthrough her beautiful eyes, glistening with tears of fun, and said, in asmothered whisper, 'Well, and what would you do?'

'Do?' I repeated. 'Let me have the reins for one month, and I will showyou. '

There! it was out, and I felt relieved. 

'But, William, ' she whispered, pointing with anxiety to the door whichstood ajar, 'how long do you suppose they would stay with you?'

'Until they got married or died!' I answered with confidence, and, sitting bolt upright, I ran both thumbs under my waistcoat arm-holes andplayed on my chest with my fingers, while I puffed tremendously toenvelope my countenance with smoke, the better to hide my ill-concealedsmile. 

'You single men are too amusing, my dear brother, ' said she, lookingearnestly into my face and patting my shoulder with an expression ofpity. 'To convince you that woman's mission is the care of domesticmatters; and, as I would like a little rest combined with fun, I willturn over everything to you, and----'

'Done!' I yelled with delight, and jumping up, I paced up and down thelibrary like a prisoner freed from chains. --'Done! Oh! I thank you, Mary. '

'Stop, young man, ' she said, with assumed severity, 'hear the conditionsof the bond. '

'Write it down, ' I said, in haste, 'and so long as I am to have thereins I will sign. '

'Well, sir, ' said she, entering with her old accustomed gaiety into thesubject matter. 'I agree to let you keep house on the followingconditions:' naming a good many, which I listened to with markedinterest, and finally condensed into the form of a written contract, though no lawyer; for fear, as I told her, she would violate thepremises. As well as I can remember, for it was many years ago--it ranas follows:

'This agreement made this 24th November, 1853, between Mary Walters ofthe city, county and state of New York, being party of the first part, and William d'Aubrey of the said city, county and state of New York, party of the second part, witnesseth as follows: Said party of the firstpart agrees, covenants and binds herself, heirs and assinines--I meanassigns--to surrender, demise and make over all claim, right and titleto housekeeping, and all matters pertaining to the welfare of householdeconomy, whether trivial or special, to the party of the second part;moreover delivering up all accounts, keys and inventory of stores now onhand, and all claim, right or title to the management of each and everyperson living, or about to live in premises known as 'Villa Felice, 'situated at the outskirts of the city of ---- in the State of ----, forthe period of three months. Now, in consideration of this obligation onthe party of the first part, the party of the second part covenants, agrees and binds himself, his heirs and assinines--I mean assigns--toact conscientiously for the benefit of all the inhabitants of said'Villa Felice, ' whether male or female;--and moreover pledges himselfnever by word or deed to consult, ask questions of, molest byinterrogated words, or lead on by indirect remarks, the party of thefirst part; to impart, give over or yield up, any information on orconcerning the subject or principle of housekeeping--(this last clausemy sister insisted on in a most impressive manner--so I added thefollowing, ) and it is distinctly understood, comprehended by, and agreedto between both parties, that the party of the first part interfereswith, molests, makes the subject of remark, indirectly or directly, impugns or maligns, the party of the second party in the pursuit oflawful proceedings neither by appeal, nor by entreaty, nor by satire, irony, libel, gossip, hinted evidence or such other expressions ofmental feeling which are unseemly and tend to weaken man's power orinvolve in confusion a settled purpose. Said agreement to take effect atonce on the signing of this contract, ' made in duplicate. 

Signed, sealed and delivered the afore-written day, month and year, inthe presence of Witness, MARY WALTERS, [seal. ] WILLIAM D'AUBREY, [seal. ]

We both signed, and then remembered a witness was necessary. 'I willcall Thomas, ' said Mary. 'He won't know what we have written. ' I bowedwith a legal stiffness, and waited. She rang--no response. 

She rang again. A loud laughter in the kitchen caused her to say, asusual, 'Oh! they cannot hear the bell, ' and she tripped off lightly andcalled 'Susan! Susan! _Susan!_' 'and but the booming roars replied andfast the talk rolled on. ' 'Susan, ' said she, gently, over thebannisters. 

'Susan is out, marm, ' said a granite voice from the second story. 

'Don't speak so loud, marm. Johnny has just gone to sleep, and I've hadsuch trouble with him all the evening; he must have caught cold going todancing school. You know, marm I begged you not to send him. 

'Mrs. Phillips, ' whispered Mary, in a crushed voice, 'where has Susangone?'

'She went to her sister's, marm. Her child is very ill with the smallpox, and she said she knew, if you knew he might die, that you would lether go and sit up with him this last night, poor, dear soul, bless hisheart!'

Oh, how I chuckled!

'Why, Mrs. Phillips, just come down stairs, please; I want to speak toyou. --Come into the library, only Mr. D'Aubrey is here. '

(Humph! ONLY Mr. D'Aubrey!--'Oh, for to-morrow!')

Enter Mrs. Phillips, one of those fat, pylygastric nurses, who dividethe twenty-four hours into four days, so as to have three meals to eachof their diurnal revolutions; whose digestive organs, if they couldspeak, would strike for wages; whose eyes move but never look; theiratmosphere--what Germans might call expression--being that of massiverest. 

She slides into the room and immediately sits down, moving her eyes upto her mistress with a patient and slightly suffering expression, whilethe process of deglutition is slowly going on. 

I seize a book, pamphlet, anything, hold it in front of my face, andbite my segar in two. 

'Did I understand you to say, Mrs. Phillips, that Susan had gone to situp with a _small pox_ patient?'

'Her nephew, yes marm. '

'Oh, how very wrong in her--how--'

'I don't think so, marm. '

I ground my teeth. 

'Why Mrs. Phillips?'

'The boy marm, may not be yours, but it is her _kin_ and she ought toknow her duty to a sister's child. '

'Yes, but she might bring the disease to my little children!she'--'That's in the hands of Providence, marm. '

I ram a handkerchief down my mouth and choke--

'Well, as it is not your fault I need not speak to you--but please be sokind as to call Thomas, I only want him for a moment. ' The celebratedMrs. Phillips heaved a sigh, pregnant with bread, butter, cold meat andale; and slid out of the room, crunching her way down stairs. I peepedat my sister--she looked pale and very anxiously perplexed, I pinchedmyself and kept silent. In a few minutes a voice was heard singing upthe back stairs and--enter Sabina spread out with starch and heavilypomaded hair. 'Mrs. Phillips sent me to tell you marm that she had tomake her gruel and the fire was low--and that Thomas had gone home. '

'Why, what time is it, Sabina?'

'_Eight_ o'clock, ' I enunciate distinctly. For one moment Mary's eyeslit up with something like heroism, but before she could frame asentence, the playful want of interest exhibited by Sabina, who leanedagainst the mantel-piece, straightening her cuffs, did the business, andshe collapsed. 

'Please tell Thomas, when he comes to-morrow, Sabina, I would rather nothave him go home quite as early, because you see, ' (oh how I mentallygroaned at this humiliating nonsense, ) 'I might want him. You won'tforget, will you, Sabina?'

'No, marm. Is there anything else?' Having now made herself prim, andtaken a quiet survey of the library and viewed me carefully, she was nowdesirous of retiring. 

'One moment, Sabina, ' said Mary, beginning to realize her false positionbefore me, 'Who is down stairs?'

'Well, I couldn't tell you, marm. '

'Why not?'

'There are so many. '

'How, do you mean so many?'

'Why, marm, it's the cook's birthday; and she thought you would'nt mindher having a few friends, so she invited her _cousins_, ' (looking at meas though she would ask, 'what have you got to say to that, Mr. Man?')

'Well, Sabina, ' said Mary, coloring up in confusion, 'just sign yourname to this--it is only as a witness. '

'I cannot write, marm, ' answered dandy Amazon, very short at beingexposed. 

'Then send Elizabeth here. '

'She is out too, marm. '

'What? Elizabeth has gone out?'

'Yes marm, you see, ' (becoming confidential, ) 'the cook and her hasquarrelled like--she neglected to ask her to her little party till latethis evening, and so she got huffy and put on her things and dashed outof the house, ' (at this time I had either an attack of the ague or waslaughing so hard internally that it leaked through. )

'Is Dinah in?'

'Yes marm. '

'Ask her, please, to come here. '

Sabina tripped off with a satisfied air, and five--ten--fifteen minuteselapsed and no Ellen. I took out my memorandum and quickly wrote down afew valuable plans on the coming campaign. The clock struck half pasteight, and my sister opened the entry door and listened--the kitchendoor soon shut and somebody came up stairs slowly, with a waiter full ofsomething. 

'Is that you, Dinah?'

'Yes marm. '

'Why didn't you come before?'

'I don't know, mum. '

'Didn't Sabina tell you I wanted you?'

'No, mum. She told me you wanted to know how many were down stairs, andI counted seventeen. '

'Take care Dinah, you're spilling that milk!'

'I can't help it, this pitcher leaks. '

'Where's the children's bowl?'

'I don't know, mum--I think it's broke. '

'Broken! Why, I bought a new one yesterday. '

''Tain't my fault. '

Hopelessly resigned, my sister Mary politely requested her to put downthe waiter, and explained the nature of a witness's duty. Weacknowledged our signatures and Dinah wrote out her name in a neat hand, then picked up the waiter and walked out of the room with the air of aninjured innocent. 

I jumped up, kissed my sister, informed her that for the next threemonths she was to be a _passive_ observer, asked her to retire, lockedup the contract, and gave the bell one pull that brought half thehousehold to the door. 

PART II. 

_A MAN'S PLAN. _

As the servants rushed into the library they found me quietly reading abook and puffing at the pages. I slightly raised my eyes to this background of faces on which might be seen, surprise, anger, impertinence, curiosity and excitement. I slowly placed my book half open across myknee, with my hand resting on the cover, and with the other taking mysegar out of my mouth, knocked the ashes off into a little glass tub;elevated my eyebrows and asked in perfect astonishment, yet measuredtones:

'What-is-the-matter?'

'That's what we want to know sir;' exclaimed the cook, a little let downby my coolness. 

'Nothing that I know of, ' I replied, except that I took the liberty ofringing my bell, ' increasing in volume as I spoke. 

'We thought some one was sick, sir, ' said Sabina. 

'I don't want to know what _you_ thought, ' I rolled out in emphaticbase, 'I want the WAITER! which is _it_?'--That neuter cut them to theheart. 

But they rallied--a revolt was imminent. I had lived in the family oneyear, with my sister as housekeeper, and had never made a remark to theservants, it being my habit in life to submit to what was not mybusiness, or clear out. But now--_now_, with Imprimatur on my forehead, a clutch in my mental fingers, and a hungry longing to rule free: ha!ha!--Let us see. This was a trying moment--The vessel had beensignalled, and my colors were to be shown--so here they go--the flag ofthe little brig 'one-man-power, ' with the motto 'Anvil or hammar answerhammar, ' is unfurled. 

Hemmed in by swelling indignation, whisperings and sullen looks, Ijumped up and yelled in stentorian voice:

'Leave my room! How dare you answer the waiter's bell? Send me thewaiter and clear out, every one of you!' and, with a sweeping wave of myhand, I stalked towards the door. Reader, did you ever see the sun chasea big cloud right off a green field, and, with no respite, drive itheadlong away over beyond the horizon? Such was the rapid departure ofmy stupefied retainers. On reaching the door, I slammed it to with aviolence that echoed through the hushed and palsied house. 

Oh the benefit of a good slam--not a push--nor a quick shut--nor even abump, all of which show still a want of firmness and decision--but agood old-fashioned 'bang' as though it had got into your throat and youcould'nt breathe--that life depended on shutting out a flash oflightning and you hadn't time to wait--that the harder you impelled itagainst the doorway the sooner would end fast fleeting agony--that thenearer you got to what might be called an _explosive shut_: the morecomplete would be your safety, that if all your concentrated passioncould be, not flung, (that is too weak) but hurled at that one partitiona vacuum might be made in your room towards which good impulses might bedrawn inversely. Many a good natured man who has been cornered byinjustice has slammed off his anger, and is ready to forgive, but notgive up. There is a dignity in this rapid developement of muscular powerwhich admits of no surrender--the gauntlet has been thrown down, thechip has been knocked off the shoulder, the black flag is hoisted andskull and bones stand out in bold relief. There may be a calm, the windmay die out, but the monster waves once lashed up to a Titanic powermove on of their own accord, and wash away the very vestige ofresistance. Asking to _be_ forgiven after slamming a door is liketouching off a Rodman gun, and then calling out to the fort in front to'look out' 'take care!' 'do get out of the way. ' A first class slam iscumulative long after the noise has ceased--the nerves go onslamming--the valves of the heart flap to and from--the tympanum roils arevelrie to all the shattered senses, the offender slammed at, at oncesubsides from rage to fear; the mental barometer falls--andapprehension--the requiescat--is a don't know what is coming next. Abona fide, abandoned slam is a Domestic Earthquake. 

I next sat down on my Mexican chair, and waited for the rapid hatchingof the egg. A register led up from the kitchen into my room, and thoughnever used, formed one of those abominable listening tubes that might betruthfully called family tale-bearers. This time, however, I had thepleasure of overhearing the following fragmentary evidence of areaction:

'He must be crazy. ' 'Did he drink much after dinner?' 'I say, you havebeen here longer than I have, have you ever seen him so before?' Then agiggle, and some one saying: 'Is he married?'

'Sabina, ain't you ashamed to laugh?'--'poor thing--won'tstay--gallows'--then silence, and in a few minutes one after another ofthe visitors passed by under the window on tip-toe, and almostimmediately a soft knock and a pause. I thought * * * and acted. 

'Come in, ' said I, in one of those gentle and subdued voices that no onebut a passionate man can possess. The door gradually opened, and therestood Susan, the devoted aunt. 

I had placed a volume of engravings before my eyes, and was busilyengaged in drawing some plan, on paper, as she entered. I went on for alittle while in silence, when she said:

'I understood, sir----'

I said 'wait a minute, ' and went on ruling one entire side, with doublelines, in perfect forgetfulness of her presence. 

When she spoke again, 'Did you send for me, sir?' I would have answeredat once, for I felt awfully at appearing such a tyro; but the case was adesperate one of long standing, and required heroic treatment. I kepther waiting, at first as a lesson, that her imagination might take wingsand fly to the uttermost realms of unhappiness. The second time, Ithought I detected a little impatience in her voice, so I said, taking apen and dipping it in red ink, 'wait one moment, Susan, ' and went onlining and interlining. This was not reading, studying, nor writing; itwas what she very well knew I could do any time. So it told on her. Eachmoment her valor oozed out, and as soon as I felt that the cup ofbitterness was pretty well drained, I proceeded to offer up this victimas a sacrifice to peace. 

'Susan, how is your sister's child?'

I looked straight into her. There was no sternness or smartness in myexpression, but the gaze was mathematical. I was measuring her candor, and analyzing her mind. 

She colored up and said, 'he's no better, sir; and they've given him up:but the doctor says good nursing will do wonders. '

'I think so, too. Go back to your sister and stay till he is better; Iwill supply your place. '

This puzzled her, but she could say nothing. I meant 'go' and shewent. --There was no delay--I saw her walk by the window almost at once, and overheard the whisper, 'who next?'

I now rang the bell, and Dinah came to the door, saying, before sheknocked, the waiter is out, sir, so I answered your ring. 

'Do you know where Thomas lives?'

'Yes sir. '

'Then tell him I want him now--'

'Yes sir, ' she disappeared. 

Oh the benefit of that _slam_. 

In half an hour in walked Thomas. 

'Never do you enter my room without knocking. It is a piece ofimpertinence I will not put up with. '

'I did not mean anything by it, sir. '

'Well, don't do it again, and always take your hat off when you comebefore a gentleman or lady. Such ignorance might lose you a good place. '

His wages were high I knew. It was also winter, and he gave in. He stoodstill with his hat in hand and waited. 

'Thomas I want you to bring the close carriage to the door with the twobays. '

'Yes sir; but the off horse cast his hind shoe yesterday and I amafraid. '

'You need not be, the ground is covered with snow. I shall want thecarriage in fifteen minutes. '

'Yes sir, but--'

'But what?'

'I left the carriage this morning at the blacksmiths to have a new tireput on it, sir. '

'Who told you to?'

'Nobody, sir. '

'Then never do anything of that kind again without first reporting it tome. '

'Yes sir, ' moving slightly towards the door as though it was all settlednow. 

'What other vehicle have you got in the stable?'

'The Phæton, sir; the open box wagon and the carryall. '

'Very well then, bring the nigh horse round in the carryall. '

'He never went in single harness since I drove Mrs. ----'

'Well, then, put the other one in. '

'Nor him neither, sir. '

'Humph!' it looked a little black. 

'Well, where is the other horse, the gray, that your mistress alwaysdrives when alone?'

'He is at the veterinary surgeons, sir. --I took him there last Mondayand he is to be blistered for two weeks off and on, sir. '

'Well, Thomas, as the coachman of the family, I ask you what can bedone. 

'I _must_ go out to-night. Can you suggest anything?'

'Nothing but to hire a hack, sir. '

'That's a very good idea, how far is the livery stable from here?'

'Just next to where I live, sir. I can get one in a minute, sir. '

Oh! so cheerfully. 

'Very well, Thomas, just harness the two bays and ride down there andput them to one. Tell the livery stable keeper that I wish it, and willpay for the use of it. '

'But, sir, it is----'

'Thomas, I would advise you not to be long. You ought to be ashamed tocall yourself a coachman, and have what is under your charge in such acondition. The idea of a horse two days without a shoe. '

'It isn't my----'

'Not a word--go and do your duty in future. I shall expect you here inhalf an hour. '

He backed out of the room, longing to say something (what it was I don'tcare) but completely at sea. As he passed under my window, (though Ihave not sworn for many years, ) I am pretty sure I heard several fullsized oaths. At the appointed time the bell rang and I went out and gotinto the carriage. The horses looked very warm, and, though the nightwas cold, one was covered with foam. I said nothing, but told him todrive to Susan's sister's. 

On arriving at the door, I heard sounds of very lively music for a dyingchild, and saw the house all lighted up. 

'Oh, I understand, it is one of those Hibernian wakes. Poor thing!' andI began to pardon Susan, feel sorry for the coachman, and made up mymind to give $10 towards the sepulchral expenses. As I entered thehouse, surcharged with benevolence and overcome by a repentant feeling, I caught sight of Susan and a strapping man whirling round the floor tothe tune of the Irish Washwoman. I approached her and said, 'I hope heis better. ' She uttered a scream and ran out of the room. 

The next morning after having gone over everything in the house, I sentfor each servant and told them quietly but firmly that my sister'shealth was not very good, and that I was housekeeper--that as they hadengaged to fill certain positions, I should take it for granted theyunderstood their business; that I had neither the time nor would I takethe trouble to overlook their work, but that as soon as I saw anythingwrong they would hear from me. If they wanted anything I was the person. My housekeeping hours were from 9 till 10 a. M. , no more. If they couldnot take the trouble to ask for what they wanted at that time, theycould go without till the next day. I should not tell them what to do orwhen to do it, but if it wasn't done, they would certainly leave. That Iallowed no company and gave them certain nights to go out, but ifanything special and _true_ was the matter I was ready to assist, 'andnow, ' said I, 'no quarreling down stairs; each one to their work and nocomplaining. --The moment you are discontented come to me and you can goat once if you choose. I do not want any notice ever, except where ababy is concerned. ' This done I then advertised for a cook. The next daymy cook, down stair, came up to me quite flushed, and wanted to know ifI intended to turn her away. I said no, I had no idea of it, but thoughtit was a very good plan to have two in the house; that I intended makingthe new one a waiter, and then if anything happened, such as the suddendeparture, 'of my cook, ' I said, looking right at her, 'for you knowthey are quick tempered, why then I have one on hand. ' She colored upand retired. After going through a great deal of nonsense about thewords 'help' and 'servants, ' I at length got what I wanted and all wenton smoothly for a time. 

My plan for detecting neglect in the cleaning of a room, was to stickhalf a dozen pins in different places about it--some on the walls, inthe window and other places that ought to be wiped. If I found themthere after the cleaning, I became suddenly very disagreeable. 

During my sister's administration, I had been obliged to wait sometimesthree weeks before she could find time, for her servants, to put abutton on my waistcoat. Now, when I wanted anything done, the firstperson that passed my library door was stopped, no matter what her workmight be at the time, sent for a clothes brush, needle or hammar, andthe thing was done at once. It acted like a charm, and all went on well. At first they objected, (only silently), but I told them plainly that Ihired them for my benefit, not theirs, which generally followed; andthat though their work was specified to a certain degree, they must onall occasions answer any calls and pay always for breakage. This lastsaved twenty dollars a month, for hardly anything under those expensivecircumstances, fell of their hands; and I noticed the plea of 'suddenchange of weather, ' or 'some one must have disturbed it, ' or 'thathorrid cat has been among those dishes and upset them, ' or 'twas crackedbefore, ' became as worn out as aphorisms of the past. I was always veryattentive to them when sick. This tells, in the long run, on servants, for they are very susceptible to a kind act out of place--indulgence, however, is soon forgotten. I always made it a habit, too, to pay eachservant something more a month than any one else. That, also, actedwonderfully like a retainer. But I distinctly told them I wanted my workdone, because it was paid for. I asked no favors. Two other rules savedme much trouble. When a girl said she couldn't do any set job, onaccount of no time, no matter what it was, I always said, 'why, that'sall nonsense; it only takes five minutes;' and not infrequently have Iirritated them into doing almost impossibilities. I never valued anycheap article under five dollars. 

Another great mistake, is to find fault with a servant before any one. Have they done wrong, go to your library and ring loudly--that is halfthe battle; then tell the waiter to call the chambermaid, and thenspeak. You will find everything easy. They have had time to reflect; toweigh the pros and cons, and have half thought themselves intosubmission. Never argue. If you have the right exert it, but never beunjust; and, above all, believe me when I tell you that their feelingsare exquisite on the subject of neglect. Let them once feel a _respect_for you, yet know you are determined to have anything done, and a simpleremark will lie like lead on their stomach, and you will hear themtalking of it down stairs and using the bow anchor of firmness, 'he saidso, ' until it is done. Never change your mind. 

I remember once, during that memorable interregnum of three months, and, in fact, the only time in my life did it happen. --I had invited somevery pleasant, agreeable and talented friends to spend the evening. Iordered my supper in the morning, and it commenced to snow. I continuedgiving orders, and it continued snowing, and we kept at it very close onto each other; if anything, the snow was a little ahead, but I went onin the same way. At the proposed time the gas was lit, a lantern wasplaced on the piazza; snow swept off; the side gate unhung by the waiterman, and a path made. The snow piled high, and the domestics began togive in, or out, I don't know which. They doubted the probability of anyone venturing out that 'dreadful night. ' A little later, they began totalk among themselves of the improbability of any one coming. Iimmediately ordered the gas turned up in full; the candles lit, and thesupper table laid--every dish put in its place empty, to be filled atthe proper time--all for discipline. (I had said it was to be done inthe morning. ) I then went up stairs and dressed. My sister, who hadgained five pounds every week since her abdication, met me in thedrawing room, dressed elegantly, and with an encouraging air pressed myhand. She did not dare to make a remark, or the contract would have beenviolated; but I thought I could detect in her eye an acknowledgment ofmy success. As I sauntered through the brilliantly lighted rooms, ratherdepressed at the non-arrival of my guests, the waiter said Thomas wouldlike to speak to me. I immediately went to the star chamber and took aneasy position. 

A knock this time. 

'Come in. '

In walked Thomas with his hat in his hand and bowing respectively, hesaid--'I have just come from the stable Mr. D'Aubrey, and thought youwould like to know about the storm, sir. '

'What storm?' I exclaimed, 'oh, you mean the snow storm, yes--is itstill snowing?' At that moment the window was crackling with the hail. 

'Yes sir, and I thought I'd tell you that no one could come outto-night, for a horse without a wagon could not walk one hundred yards. '

'Thank you, Thomas, give the bay mare more corn to-morrow and callHenry. '--Henry, the waiter, came in expecting orders to put away the_clean_ things and lock up for it was ten, and not a soul had arrived. 'Order supper Henry at eleven. '

'For whom, sir?'

'For me--what are you waiting for?'

'How much, sir, ' said he, in a bewildered air. 'All of it. '

He looked anxious. He could not classify me, but discipline must becarried out, so Mary and I sat down to enough for twenty-five persons, who had never known the pangs of dyspepsia. As soon as we had finished Iordered a large portion of it down stairs, for the benefit of theservants and retired. They all looked pleased and I was satisfied. Mrs. Phillips had the nightmare at about two o'clock. 

Before I took charge, the allies of my household were accustomed tocome in at all hours and sit up till they were too sleepy to go to bed, looking the next morning like wet blotting paper. But that was soonstopped. For the morning of my address to them I stated that the housewas shut up at ten p. M. , and now and then it was amusing to hear thedoor open as the clock struck. 

One night at about twelve as I was sitting at my desk in the library, Iheard someone trying to get in. I knew it was the waiter who had slippedout without leave, so I turned out the gas, put my head out of thewindow and said 'I know it must be a robber, for they are all in, ' andseeing his form I fired off my revolver overhead. --No servant ever triedagain to enter by stealing in after hours. When my sister kept house Isuffered much for want of dishes during many days in the week. --Therewas very little variety. 

Sundays we had only potatoes and cold meat. 

'Why, ' I asked. 

'They must go to church, my dear brother. '

Mondays, one fry, not even a roast, it was washing day, all the heatmust be turned off from the oven for the boiler. --The cook wouldn't haveit roasted in front, the only true way. 

So no dessert could be baked. 

Tuesdays I could have no company for it was ironing day, and the ironsfilled up the range and nothing extra could be made. I submitted to mysister. 

But now I had soup every day, and whenever I saw anything very good inmarket I ordered it home and had it cooked. Strange isn't it, with thesame range and the same cook? Before my reign we could not breakfasttill nine, the cook said that the milkman came so late. During my reignwe breakfasted at eight punctually, for I suggested to her the proprietyof rising at six instead of seven and letting him in on his first tripinstead of taking the milk from him on his return. My sister was obligedto tell her two or three days before hand that she was going to havecompany, that she might have time to get everything ready for dinner. Ifrequently brought home two or three guests with fish and game in thesame carriage and ordered it as the fourth course while partaking ofsoup. On one occasion I brought in partridges twenty minutes beforedinner. I went down stairs knowing she would be roused this time, andflanked her by saying, 'Hannah, you won't have time to pick those birds, so just draw them and _skin_ them. I want them roasted. ' Before sherecovered from her astonishment I had departed. 

Whenever a quarrel down stairs took place I never interfered as long asthey did not talk loud, but the next day if I noticed any one in thesulks or a tendency to let things go by, I had the furniture of one roomchanged to another. This required 'all hands' to work together, and Imade them fly round so, that when it was done they were only too happyto go to lunch and rest, and I could hear many a joke and pleasant laughrise from the kitchen table. 

One rainy evening, as my sister and myself were sitting in front of thewood fire, exactly two months since the famous contract, and very muchin the same position, and talking over everything but it, a timid knockwas heard. I said 'come in, ' and Sabina entered, looking very healthyand neat--I cannot say pretty, though she had a good figure. 

I never asked questions on these occasions. I always made it difficultfor them to talk in this, to them, gloomy room. --They had to stumblethrough themselves. 

'Can I speak to you, sir. '

'Certainly, Sabina--go on. '

'I have come to say, sir, that--that--I have came to say, sir, that'--apause; she looked very guilty. 

'That's right, Sabina; you have come to say that--I understand--but whathave you come to say?'

'I have come to say, sir, that--I have come to go, sir!'

I controlled myself. She was an excellent chambermaid; understood myways thoroughly; and did her work well; had always been respectful to_me_, and was very steady. It would be a great loss, but DISCIPLINE mustbe preserved, and my mind was at once made up. My sister lookedsurprised and sorry right out. 

'Well, Sabina, when do you wish to go. '

'On Saturday, sir. '

Oh how my sister wanted to speak, but I looked at the tin box that heldthe contract and she bit her lip. 

'Very well, Sabina, you have a perfect right to go when and where youplease, and I will take great pleasure in writing out an excellentcharacter for you. Let me see, (looking at my account book) that is twoweeks wages making $8. I never make presents, but as you are going hereis a ten dollar bill. Where would you like your trunk carried, tell meand I will send it by Thomas Saturday morning?'

'Oh! it isn't that, sir, ' said she, 'but--but, sir, ' with the tearsflowing rapidly. 

'Why, what is the matter, Sabina?' (the first question apart frombusiness I had ever asked. )

'I don't want to leave you, sir. '

'Well, that is strange, then why do you?' (business question. )

'I'm going, sir--I'm going, sir, to--be--married!' and she burst intotears. 

(I congratulated myself on being a bachelor, if conjugal affectionproduced such an effect. )

'Oh! that's it, ' said I, dryly. 'Well I hope you will be happy. '

'But you've been so kind, sir, you--'

'There now stop, I have only tried to be just, ' said I, lookingexultingly at my smiling sister, who took off a little gold stud andgave it to her with many wishes of a happy life. 

Everything went on regularly as clock-work. There was a place foreverything, and everything in its place. When the bell rang during dearMary's sway, it continued to ring, and on one occasion, a friend met mein the street and said:

'Why William, have you moved?'

I replied no, that we were very comfortable where we were, 'why do youask?'

'That's very strange, ' said he, 'we called yesterday at one o'clock andrang for twenty minutes. No one coming we concluded you had left forEurope. '

'No, ' I said, feeling rather confused, 'the waiter I believe is subjectto sciatica. At times he is taken suddenly and cannot move, and thereason we did not hear the bell, (I looked away as I said so, ) his criesof pain are such that you cannot hear yourself speak. '

Now the door is answered before the first ring stops sounding. For Iarranged it so as to vibrate long enough to give a person time to gofrom any part of the house in exactly two minutes; and no man of theworld rings oftener than once every three minutes. I would not havewritten all this but my blessed sister soon entirely followed out myreformation and is fairly convinced, as she says, that when a man setsabout any matter, he is very thorough: clear headed; and, above all, noteasily put down. 

Oh! if all women thought so! eh, Mr. Caudle? I knew one learnedgentleman who only desired peace and good food. His wife never allowedhim to offer a suggestion. She called him a genius, and made him mind. 

Formerly Mary rose thoughtful, with the pressure of business on herbrain. At meals she was abstracted, often worried, and at all times therepository of domestic troubles. Her healthy organization was altogethertoo mesmerized by the petty warfare below stairs. She was never idle, and yet rarely accomplished anything for _herself_. Her position in thehousehold might have been called that of GRAND FINISHER. She plannedwork and waited for its completion in vain. Finally she would bring itinto the library and stitch--stitch--all through the pleasant evenings. I knew this, for I laid a plan. One April I asked her to work me a pairof slippers on cloth. I presume a clever woman, undisturbed, could havedelivered them over to me at the end of the week. Now, no one is moreclever than my sister; yet I did not get those slippers till December;and then she handed them to me in sadness, and said, with an attempt atcheerfulness, 'dear William, I worked one myself, but my duties are suchthat I gave out the other to that poor woman whose husband is at sea. Has'nt she done it well?' Now, I find her reading, paying visits, andoften of an evening she comes to me and says, 'William, would'nt youlike some new handkerchiefs embroidered?' or 'can't I mend anything foryou? I have just finished my music and have nothing to do. '

On another occasion, while she was mending--not making reader--but_mending_, her children's clothes, I offered to read one of Ik Marvel'sreveries of a bachelor, a special favorite of mine. She thanked me, and Iproceeded. On finishing one of his admirable paragraphs, I put the bookdown and exclaimed, 'isn't that capital?'

She said at once, 'no, I think it is very discouraging. '

'Discouraging! Why, what in the world do you mean, Mary?'

'Excuse me, William, but I was'nt listening. The fact of it is, therehas been another row down stairs, and I do think that girl ought to beashamed of herself to treat Susan so;' and then for _one_ hour atopographical and analytical history of the entire household was goneinto, with a _con amore_ spirit, which lasted through two segars and aglass of water. I never spoke. On these occasions they don't want youto talk; only to listen. They say in a sweet and confiding manner, 'youknow I have no one to sympathize with me;' and off they go, like therecitation of Pope's Homer, made by some school girl who has beensentenced to run through so many lines. I slipped the reveries intotheir place, so that she would not be hurt, and I do assure you thatwhen she had got through I believe if you had asked her suddenly 'whodiscovered America?' she would have replied 'An Irishman--I forget hisname. '

Formerly there was ever a business gravity about her: now she alwaysappeared with a sweet smile that lit up her countenance, as though ithad been sprinkled all over with sun-powder. 

Difficult indeed was it for Mary to order anything without an advancenotice, for otherwise she was forced to start her little bark throughthe Scylla and Charybdis of 'fire island, ' namely, 'The fire's too low, marm;' or 'I've just put on coal, marm. '

Now she reads to me herself, and marks the prettiest passages inTennyson, which no woman could find out if her understanding had beenmortgaged by servants. 

Before, no matter what dish of meat was set before me, it was always_dry_, or the gravy made of butter and _water_. I have often seen muttonchops come on table looking like little islands of meat surrounded bywater, on which might be detected a tickley benders of grease. Fiveminutes conversation on my part supplied the deficiency, and caused onecan of lard to outlast six of those in olden times. 

When I first took charge of the kitchen, the cook made one struggle--butonly one. The reply to her question indicated such ignorance orindifference on my part, that everything suggested in future was servedas directed, and well done. Having ordered many dishes one day--I don'tknow whether it was washing or ironing day, I never used to ask: I alsogave the ingredients of a very nice pudding, and said 'can you makethat?'

'I know how, sir, but can't to-day. '

'Why not?'

'There is no room in the oven, you have filled it with your orders, andit is impossible to bake it this afternoon. '

'You cannot bake it, then?'

'No, sir. '

'Then _broil_ it!'