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TREAT 'EM ROUGH

LETTERS FROM

JACK THE KAISER KILLER

_By_

RING W. LARDNER

AUTHOR OF

My Four Weeks in France, Gullible's Travels, Etc. 

ILLUSTRATED BY

FRANK CRERIE

INDIANAPOLIS THE BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY PUBLISHERS

COPYRIGHT 1913THE BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY

PRESS OF BRAUNWORTH & CO. BOOK MANUFACTURERS BROOKLYN, N. Y. 

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JACK THE KAISER KILLER

CAMP GRANT, Sept. 23. 

_FRIEND AL:_ Well Al I am writeing this in the recreation room at ourbarracks and they's about 20 other of the boys writeing letters and Iwill bet some of the letters is rich because half of the boys can't talkenglish to say nothing about writeing letters and etc. We got a finebunch in my Co. Al and its a cinch I won't never die in the trenchsbecause I will be murdered in my bed before we ever get out of here onlythey don't call it bed in the army. 

They call it bunk and no wonder. 

Well Al I have been here since Wed. Night and now it is Sunday and thisis the first time I have not felt sick since we got here and even atthat my left arm is so sore it is pretty near killing me where I gotvacinated. Its a good thing I am not a left hander Al or I couldn't geta ball up to the plate but of course I don't have to think of that nowbecause I am out of baseball now and in the big game but at that I guessa left hander could get along just as good with a sore arm because Inever seen one of them yet that could break a pain of glass with theirfast ball and if they didn't have all the luck in the world they wouldbe rideing around the country in a side door Pullman with all theirbaggage on. 

Speaking about baseball Al I suppose you seen where the White Sox havecinched the penant and they will be splitting the world serious moneywhile I am drawing $30. 00 per mo. From the Govmt. But 50 yrs. From nowthe kids will all stop me on the st. And make me tell them what hotel westayed at in Berlin and when Cicotte and Faber and Russell begins totalk about what they done to the Giants everybody will have themselfpaged and walk out. 

Well Al a lot of things come off since the last time I wrote to you. Weleft Chi Wed. Noon and you ought to seen the crowd down to the Unionstation to bid us good by. Everybodys wifes and sisters and mothers wasthere and they was all crying in 40 different languages and the womenwasn't allowed through the gates so farewell kisses was swapped betweenthe iron spokes in the gates and some of the boys was still gettingsmacked yet when the train started to pull out and it looked like abunch of them would get left and if they had I'll say their wifes wouldof been in tough luck. 

[Illustration: Florrie was all dressed up like a horse and I bet a lotof them other birds wished they was in my shoes (p. 10). ]

Of course wife Florrie and little son Al was there and Florrie was alldressed up like a horse and I bet a lot of them other birds wished theywas in my shoes when the kissing battle begun. Well Al we bothblubbered a little but Florrie says she mustn't cry to hard or she wouldhave to paternize her own beauty parlors because crying makes a girllook like she had pitched a double header in St. Louis or something. ButI don't know if you will believe it or not but little Al didn't evenwimper. How is that for a game bird and only 3 yrs. Old?

Well Al some alderman or somebody had got a lot of arm bandages made forus with the words Kaiser Killers printed on them and they was also signsstuck on the different cars on the train like Berlin or Bust and etc. And the Stars and Strips was flying from the back platforms so wecertainly looked like regular soldiers even without no uniforms and Iguess if Van Hindburg and them could of seen us you wouldn't of needed aclose line no more to take their chest measure. 

Well all our bunch come from the south side and of course some of themwas fans and the first thing you know they had me spotted and they allwanted to shake hands and I had a smile for all of them because I havegot it doped out that we are all fighting for Uncle Sam and a man oughtto forget who you are and what you are and be on friendly turns witheverybody till after the war. 

Well Al they had told us to not bring much baggage and some of the boyscome without even their tooth brush but they hadn't some of them forgotto fetch a qt. Bottle and by the time we got outside of the city limitsthe engineer didn't have to blow his whistle to leave people know wewere comeing. Somebody had a cornet and another fellow had a tromboneand a couple of them had mouth organs and we all sung along with themand we sung patriotic songs like Jonah Vark and Over There and when theystarted on the Star Spangled Banner the guy I was setting along side ofhim hollered for them to not play that one and I thought he was a proGerman or something and I was going to bust him but somebody asked himwhy shouldn't they play it and he says because he couldn't stand up andhe wasn't the only one either Al. 

The train stopped at a burg called Aurora and a bunch of the boys neededair so they got off, some of them head first and one bird layed down onthe station platform and says he had changed his mind about going to warand he was going to sleep there a while and catch the first train backto Chi so we picked him up and throwed him back on our train and toldhim we would have the engineer back up to Chi and drop him off and hesays O. K. And of course the train started ahead again but he didn't knowif we was going or comeing or looping the loop. 

Well the trombone blower finely blowed himself to a nap and while hewas asleep a little guy snuck the trombone away from him and says "Lookhere boys I am willing to give my life for Uncle Sam but I am not goingto die to no trombone music. " So he throwed the trombone out of thewindow without opening the window and the guy woke up that owned it andthe next thing you know the Kaiser Killers was in their first battle. 

Well Al by the time we got to Camp Grant some of the boys looked likethey was just comeing from the war instead of just going and I guess Iwas about the only one that was O. K. Because I know how to handle it butI had eat some sandwiches that a wop give me on the train and they mustof been poisoned or something because when I got off everything lookedkind of blured. 

We was met by a bunch of officers in uniform. The guy that had throwedthe trombone away had both eyes swelled shut and a officer had to leadhim to the head quarters and I heard the officer ask him if he wasbringing any liquor into the camp and he says yes all he could carry, but the officer meant did he have a bottle of it and he says No he hadone but a big swede stuck his head in front of it and it broke. 

Over to the head quarters they give us a couple of blankets a peace andthen they split us up into Cos. And showed us our barracks and they saidwe looked like we needed sleep and we better go to bed right aftersupper because we would have to get down to hard work the nextA. M. And I was willing to go to bed without no supper aftereating them dam sandwichs and the next time them wops trys to slip mesomething to eat or drink I will hang one on their jaw. 

Well Al the buggle has blowed for mess which is what they call the mealsand you would know why if you eat some of them so I will close for thistime and save the rest for the next time and my address is Co. C. 399th. Infantry, Camp Grant, Ill. 

Your Pal, JACK. 

CAMP GRANT, Sept. 24. 

_FRIEND AL:_ Well Al they give us some work out today and I am prettytired but they's no use going to bed till 9 o'clock which is the timethey blow the buggle for the men to shut up their noise. They doeverything by buggies here. They get you up at a quarter to 6 which isfirst call and you got to dress in 15 minutes because they blow theassembly buggle at 6 and then comes the revelry buggle and then you eatbreakfast and so on till 11 P. M. When they blow the taps buggleand that means everybody has got to put their lights out and go to sleepjust as if a man couldn't go to sleep without music and any way a wholelot of the boys go to sleep before 11 because with so many of us herehow could the officers tell if we waited for the buggle or didn't waitfor it?

Well Al about all we done the first 3 days was try and get the place tolooking like something because the men that built the buildings was tolazy to clean up after themself and I wouldn't of minded only forfeeling so bad all day Thursday on acct. Of that sandwich and Friday Ifelt rotten because a Dr. Vacinated me and fixed me up so as I can'tcatch small pox or tyford fever and I would rather have the both ofthem the same day then have that bird work on me again. 

Thursday A. M. After breakfast a bunch of us went to the Drs. And they give us a physical examination and before the Dr. Examined mehe says "Well is they anything the matter with you outside of aheadache?" So I said "How do you know I got a headache" and he saysbecause they was a epidemic of them in the camp. Well Al I could of toldhim why only of course I wouldn't squeel on the rest of the boys so allI told him was about me eating that sandwich and he says all the boysmust of eat them and that shows how much them wise Drs. Knows. 

Well of course he didn't find nothing the matter with me physicly and hesays I was a fine specimen and the next place I went was to the headquarters or something where they give us our uniforms and you ought tosee me in mine Al only the shoes is 6 sizes to big and I made a hollerabout it but the man says they wouldn't be so big after I had wore thema while. They must be fine shoes that will srink Al because all theshoes I ever seen the more you wear them they get bigger. They give useach 2 pair shoes one to march in with cleats on the bottom and a hatand a hat cord and 5 pair sox and 2 shirts and a belt and 3 suits underwear and 2 cocky suits. 

And we had to tell our family history to a personal officer that writesdown all about you on a card and what kind of work you done before so ifthe General or somebody tears their pants they won't have to chase allover the camp and page a taylor because they can look at the cards andfind out who use to be a taylor and send for him to sow them up. 

A lot of the boys give this officer a song and dance about how good theycan drive a car and etc. So they can get a soft snap like driveing oneof the officers cars and I could of got some kind of a snap only I comehere to be a soldier and fight Germans and not mend their pants. 

The officer asked me my name and age and etc. And what I done in civillife so I said "I guess you don't read the sporting page. " So he says"Oh are you a fighter or something?" So I said "I am a fighter now but Iuse to pitch for the White Sox. " So then he asked me what I done beforethat so I told him I was with Terre Haute in the Central League andComiskey heard about me and bought me and then he sent me out to Friscofor a while and I stood that league on their head and then he got meback and I been with him about 3 years. 

So the officer asked me if I ever done anything besides pitch so I toldhim about the day I played the outfield in Terre Haute when Burns andStewart shut their eyes going after a fly ball and their skulls cometogether and it sounded like a freight wreck and they was both layed outso I and Lefty Danvers took their place and in the 8th. Inning I come upwith 2 on and hit a curve ball off big Jack Rowan and only for the fencethat ball wouldn't of made no stops this side of Indpls. 

So then the officer says "Yes but didn't you do something when youwasn't playing ball?" so I told him a pitcher don't have to do nothingonly set on the bench or hit fungos once in a while or warm up when itlooks like the guy in there is beggining to wobble. So he says "Well Iguess I will put you down as a pitcher and when we need one in a hurrywe will know where to find one. " But I don't know when they would need apitcher Al unless it was to throw one of them bombs and believe me whenit comes to doing that I will make a sucker out of the rest of thesebirds because if my arm feels O. K. They's nobody got better control andif they tell me to stick one in a German's right eye that is where Iwill put it and not in their stomach or miss them all together like Iwas a left hander or something. 

[Illustration: Shut their eyes going after a fly ball, their skulls cametogether and it sounded like a freight wreck (p. 20). ]

Well Al we done a little training Friday and Saturday but today was thefirst day we realy went to it. First of course we got up and dressed andthen they was 10 minutes of what they call upseting exercises and thencome breakfast which was oatmeal and steak and bread and coffee. Theway it is now you got to get your own dishs and go up to the counter andwait on yourself but of course we will have waiters when things getsmore settled. You also got to make your own bed and that won't neverkill nobody Al because all as we got is 2 blankets and you don't have toleave the bed open all A. M. Like at home because whatever air wanted toget in wouldn't let these blankets stop it. 

Then they give us an hour of drilling and that was duck soup for me onacct. Of the drilling we done on the ball club last spring and you oughtto seen the corporal and sargent open their eyes when they seen mesalute and etc. But some of the birds don't know their right from theirleft and the officers had to put a stick of wood in their right hand sothey would know it was their right hand and imagine if some of them wasball players and played left field. They would have to hire a crossingpoliceman to tell them where to go to get to their position and if theywas pitchers they wouldn't know if they was right hand pitchers or lefthand pitchers till they begun to pitch and then they would know becauseif they were hog wild they would be left handers. 

The corporals and sargents come from the regular army but after a whileCapt. Nash will pick some of us out to take their place and it is acinch I will be picked out on acct. Of knowing all about the drills etc. 

The next thing was a lecture on what they could do to us if we gotstewed or something and how to treat the officers and we got to sir themand salute them and etc. And it seems kind of funny for a man that everytime he walked out to pitch the crowd used to stand up and yell and Inever had to sir Rowland or Collins. I'd knock their block off if theytried to make me. 

Well every time we wasn't doing something else they sprung some more ofthem upseting exercises on us and I called the corporal to one side andsays if he would excuse me I would pass up some of them because I didn'tneed to exercise on acct. Of playing baseball all summer and besides Iwas tired and he says these exercises was to fix me so I wouldn't gettired and he made me go through with all of them. How is that for brainsAl and I suppose if a man was up all night watching a corpse orsomething this bird would make you stay awake all the next day so youwouldn't get sleepy. 

For dinner we had roast chicken and sweet potatoes and cream corn andbiscuits and coffee and for supper they was bake beans with tomato sauceand bread and pudding and cake and coffee and the grub is pretty faironly a man can't enjoy it because you got to eat to fast because iftheys anything left on your plate when the rest of them birds getsthrough you got to fight to keep it from going to the wrong address. Well Al its pretty near time for the tattoo buggle which means the menhas got to shut up and keep quiet so I am going to get ready for bed butI don't know if I would rather have them keep quiet or not because whenthey are keeping quiet you don't know what they are up to and maybe theyare snooping a round somewheres waiting for a man to go to sleep so theycan cut your throat. Some of them has been use to doing it all theirlife Al and they are beggining to miss it. But I don't know if Iwouldn't just as leave die that way as from them upseting exercises. 

Your pal, JACK. 

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CAMP GRANT, Sept. 26. 

_FRIEND AL:_ Well Al don't be surprised if you pick up the paper someA. M. And see where I'm gone and you may think I am just jokeingAl but I am telling you the truth and I am glad Florrie is fixed so shecan make a liveing for herself and little Al because I wouldn't bet anickle I will be alive by the time this gets to you. 

I guess I all ready told you the kind of birds we got in our Co. Wellthe worst one in the bunch is a guy named Sebastian and of course hewould have to be the one that got the bunk next to mine. Well Al youremember me writeing to you about the little runt that throwed thatguy's trombone away, well his name is Lahey but we call him Shorty onacct. Of him being so short. Well I hadn't payed much attention to thishere Sebastian because he has always got a grouch and don't say nothingonly to mumble at the officers when they ask him some question butShorty knows him and last night he told me all about him and he has beenpinched 50 times for stabbing people but he has got some pull orsomething and they can't never do nothing to him except once he served aturn at Joliet for cutting off a guy's ears because he wouldn't get upand give him a seat on a st. Car. He has always got a knife hid on himsomewheres and his first name is Nick so they call him Nick the Blade onacct. Of always haveing a knife on him. 

I don't know if I told you or not but we got a shed outside of thebarracks with shower baths and etc. And everybody is supposed to takebaths and keep themself clean and of course its a pleasure for a manlike I because I got use to takeing them every day after the game and Idon't feel right unless I am clean but some of the birds hollered like aIndian the first time the officers made them get under the shower andyou would think they never seen water before and I guess some of themhadn't because when they come out afterwards the officers had to askthem their name. 

[Illustration: I'm glad Florrie is fixed so's she can make a living, forherself and little Al (p. 27). ]

Well Al I was takeing a bath yesterday and this big Nick bird wasstanding there striped and he couldn't get up the nerve to step underthe shower and Corporal Daly come up behind him and give him a shoveunder the water and he give a bellow that you could hear from here toRockford and I didn't know who he was then and I couldn't help fromlaughing and he seen me but he didn't say nothing and I wouldn't ofthought no more about it only for what Shorty told me afterwards. WellShorty was there to and he laughed at him to but Nick didn't see him buthe seen me and Shorty says I better keep my eyes pealed because Nickwouldn't think no more of stabbing a man then picking his teeth and iftheys one thing he won't stand for its somebody laughing at him. 

Well I been keeping my eyes pealed all right and I kept them pealed allnight last night but I can't stay awake all night every night and thefirst time I doze off it will probably be the last time. 

Sebastian hasn't spoke to nobody or looked at nobody today and when aman acts like that it means they are makeing plans. Well Al I only wishhe was planning to dessert from the army and if I seen him trying tomake his get away I wouldn't blow no buggle to wake up the guards. I'llsay I wouldn't Al. 

I pretty near forgot to tell you that Teddy Roosevelt was here todayover looking us and he made a speech but they was about 20 thousand forhim to talk to and I was a mile away and couldn't hear nothing but Isuppose he told the boys they was fine physical specimens and etc. WellAl that stuff is O. K. But if I wasn't a fine physical specimen I mightbe somewheres where I could go to sleep without some stabber waiting tocarve their initials in my Adams apple. 

Your pal, JACK. 

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CAMP GRANT, Sept. 29. 

_FRIEND AL:_ Well old pal you see I am still alive and I guess that isbecause by the time night comes a round Nick the Blade is all wore outwith them upseting exercises and etc. And hasn't got enough strenth leftto carve nobody or maybe he has figured out the truth which is that Iwasn't realy laughing at him Al but when I am takeing a bath I feel sogood that I am libel to bust out laughing at nothing you might say. 

But Sebastian isn't the only bird I got to watch now Al because lastnight they sprung a new one on me and he just come into the campyesterday and the man that was sleeping on the other side of me is sickin the infirmiary so they stuck this new one in his bunk and now I gotthem on both sides and I don't know which is the worst Nick or himbecause this one wispers all night and it would be O. K. If he waswispering in his sleep or wispering to himself but he isn't. 

I didn't turn in till 11 and Nick was buzzing away like a saw buck and Ifigured on getting some sleep myself but I hadn't no sooner layed downwhen the wispering begun on the other side. First I didn't catch whathe was trying to get at but I heard him the second time all right and hesays "Do you want me to kill?" Well Al for 2 or 3 minutes I couldn't getenough strenth up to turn over and look at him but the next time herepeated it over again I couldn't stand it no more so I said "Are youtalking to me?" And what do you think he said Al? He says "I am talkingto God. "

Well Al the connection couldn't of been very good you might say becausehe kept asking the same question over and over and not getting no answerbut how was I to know when the party at the other end would speak up andmaybe say yes and they wasn't nobody closer to him then me for him towork on so you can see what a fine nights rest I got Al and thisA. M. I told Shorty Lahey about him and sure enough Al the birdis a gun man named Tom the Trigger and Shorty says he is a nut thatthinks he is aces up with the all mighty and some times he imagines thatthey are telling him to go ahead and shoot and then he takes aim atwhoever is handy. 

Well Al this was inspections day and everybody was supposed to have aclean shave and their hair brushed and all their buttons sowed on andtheir beds made up neat and their shoes and mess kits shinned bright andetc. And Capt. Nash and the lieuts. Give us all the double O and some ofthe boys got a nice little baling out for the way they looked but Ilooked like a soldier ought to look Al and didn't give them no chance toball me out. 

But what difference is it going to make Al for me to look good and havethings neat when I am sleeping between a man that if he can ever stayawake till I doze off he will dig a trench system in my chest with astilleto and on the other side of me they's a bird that the minute thelord says Fire he will make me look like a soup strainer. It don'thardly seem like its worth while to be strick about looks when sooner orlater they are bound to muss me and my bed both up. 

Your pal, JACK. 

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CAMP GRANT, Oct. 3. 

_FRIEND AL:_ Well old pal I just got some good news and this it is Al. Next Saturday they are going to let some of the boys go home on leaveand I asked Corporal Daly to fix it up for me to go and he says hedidn't know if he could or not because most of the ones that's going ismen that has been here a mo. Or more but on acct. Of me haveing beenwith the White Sox they fixed it so as I could go and the world seriousopens up in Chi Saturday and I won't get away from here till Saturdaynoon so I can't get there for the first game but I will see the Sundaygame and won't Gleason and them pop their eyes out when I go down to thebench with my cocky suit on and shake hands with them and I bet Rowlandwill wish I was wearing the White Sox uniform instead of Uncle Sam'suniform. 

Well Al I can't hardly wait to get home and see Florrie and little Aland of course I will see them Saturday night and I will take them to thegame Sunday and leave for back here after the game because a man has gotto be back in camp at 11 Sunday night and the funny part is that Florriewas going to bring little Al and come and see me next Sunday but now Iam going to see her and I have wrote her to not come. 

Well I am feeling to good to go to bed but that is where I ought to beAl because I wasn't never so tired in my life because they hung a newone on us this P. M. Instead of giveing us upseting exercisesfrom a quarter to 4 till a quarter after they made us all run 20 minuteswithout stopping and they says it was to improve our wind. Well beforewe was half through I didn't have no wind to improve and I suppose someday they will pull all our teeth so as we can chew better. At that Iwould of been O. K. Only my feet got to hurting and now I can't hardlywalk and all because the shoes they give you are about 6 sizes to smalland they keep lectureing us about feet hygeine but how is a man going tokeep your feet O. K. When they make you wear shoes that Houdini couldn'tget in or out of them. 

But listen Al the news about going to Chi isn't the only peace of goodnews I got today because I also found out that this bird that Shortycalled Tom the Trigger isn't no gun man at all and this here Nick theBlade won't do nothing to me because he is scared of the officers so Iwon't have to lay awake no more nights worring but I didn't find it outtill today and here is how it come off. 

This A. M. I went to sleep right at breakfast and couldn't keepmy eyes open so Corporal Daly come up to me afterwards and asked mewhat was the matter so I told him I was to nervous to sleep nights onacct. Of a crazy man bunking next to me and any minute he might take anotion and shoot me full of holes. I didn't say nothing about Nick theBlade on the other side of me because he was standing where he couldhear us. So Corporal Daly asked me who I was talking about and I toldhim and he laughed and says that if I waited for Castle which is thisother bird's name to start shooting I would probably die of old age orsomething because he is one of these objecters that don't beleive in warand he told them about it the first day we got here and says he objectedto being a soldier. So Capt. Nash asked him if he would object tounloading a few cars of coal and that is what he has been doing up andtill last Friday and then he begun objecting to a shovel and he says hewould like to join the rest of us and see what it was like and maybe hewould loose his objections. So now they are giveing him a week to makeup his mind what he is going to do and he is talking it over all thewhile with the Lord and if the Lord tells him its O. K. To kill peoplewhy well and good but he won't practice on us because in the first placehe hasn't no gun and if he had one he wouldn't know if it was to shootwith or stir your coffee. 

So afterwards I told Shorty Lahey he had made a mistake about Castleand he says "All right and if he is a objecter it is up to us to talkhim out of it. " So after supper tonight Castle was seting right near mein the recreation room and Shorty come up to him and says "Well Castlehaven't you been able to get that party on the wire yet" so Castle askedhim what he meant and he says he heard Castle was waiting for a messagefrom somewheres telling him if he should be a soldier or not so Castledidn't answer and begun to read. So Shorty says "You ain't the only onethat objects to war but we got to make the world safe for Democrats andyou shouldn't ought to object to getting your head blowed off in a goodcause. " So Castle spoke up and said he didn't object to getting killedbut what he objected to was killing other people. So Shorty says "Wellthen all you got to do is stick along side of me in the trenches andwhen you get orders to go over the top you can slip me your gun andbayonet and I will see that they don't nobody sneak off with themdureing your absents. " So then Castle got up and walked out on us. 

[Illustration: He objected to being a soldier, so Capt. Nash asked himif he would object to unloading a few cars of coal (p. 39). ]

So I says to Shorty I said, "You certainly had the wrong dope on thatbird and maybe you got Sebastian wrong to. " So he says "No I haven't andI may as well tell you what he told me today. He told me he would of cutyou up in slices long ago only if he done it here in the camp hewouldn't have no chance to make his get away and he is waiting till sometime he catchs you outside of the camp and then he will go to work onyou. And if I was you and a married man I would rather get it here thenin France because if you get it here your Mrs. Can tend the funeralprovide it they find enough of the slices to make it worth while. "

Well Al he has got a sweet chance to catch me outside of the campbecause when he is outside of the camp I will be inside of the camp andI am glad I found out the truth about both he and Castle and now maybe Ican get some sleep. 

So all and all I feel a whole lot better then I did only for my feet butfeet or no feet I will enjoy myself in Chi and I only wish I was goingtomorrow instead of wait till Sat. 

Your pal, JACK. 

CAMP GRANT, Oct. 7. 

_FRIEND AL:_ Well Al its Sunday night and I haven't been to Chi ornowheres else and I don't care if I ever go anywheres and the soonerthey send me to France to the front line trenches I will be tickled todeath. 

Well old pal I decided yesterday A. M. To stay here and not goand I made up my mind all of a sudden and it was partly because I wasn'tfeeling good and my feet pretty near killed me and besides they aregoing to pick some of us out for corporals and sargents pretty soon andI figured a man would have a better chance of getting a officer job ifyou didn't ask them for leave all the while. So as soon as I changed mymind about going I found one of the boys that was going and asked him tocall Florrie up as soon as he got to Chi and tell her I couldn't get offand for her to come out here today and see me and bring little Al. 

Well Al yesterday and today has been the 2 longest days I ever spent andit seems like a yr. Since yesterday A. M. And it don't hardlyseem possible that I was feeling so good yesterday A. M. And nowI don't care if school keeps or not as they say. Yesterday A. M. I was up before the buggle blowed all ready and so excited I couldn'thardly eat breakfast and just before inspections Shorty Lahey seen mesmileing to myself and asked me what was the joke and I told him theywasn't no joke only I was going home and he says he hoped I would have agood trip and come back safe in sound so I said I guessed they wasn't nodanger of anything happening to me and he says "You will he O. K. If youkeep your eyes open. " So I said "What do you mean keep my eyes open. "

So he says "Your a game bird but they's no use of you takeing recklesschances so you want to be on the look out every minute till you getback. "

So then I asked him what and the hell he was talking about and he says"Didn't you know that Nick the Blade was going along with you?"

Well Al it seems like Sebastian got wise that I was going home on leaveand he seen a chance to get even with me for laughing at him or that ishe thought I was laughing at him but I really wasn't but any way as soonas he found out I was going he told them his brother in law had fell andstruck his head on the brass rail and was dying and wanted him to comehome and they eat it up and give him leave. So when Shorty tipped me offI said I would wait and go on a later train but Shorty says thatwouldn't do me no good because Nick wouldn't be a sucker enough to tryand pull anything on the train amidst all them soldiers but would waittill we was in Chi and then he would get his gang and lay for me and theway he generally worked was come right up to your flat and get you andif your wife or kid says I yes or no it would be taps for them to. AndNick could come back here to camp and they wouldn't never know he wasmixed up in it. 

Well Al I guess you know I am not scared of anything in the world as faras myself personly am concerned but Florrie isn't one of the kind thatwould set there in a rocker and pair her finger nails while theirhusband was getting massacreed and little Al is a game bird to and achip of the old block and they would both holler like a Indian and callfor the police and you know what would happen to the both of them and Iwouldn't care for myself but if anything happened to them I would feellike I was the murder. 

So while I just laughed at Sebastian and his gang on my own acct. Iwould be a fine stiff to in danger my wife and baby and besides as Isaid I eat something for breakfast that didn't set good on me and Idon't know if it was the coffee or the milk or what it was but I eatsomething that was poisoned and that's a fine way to treat soldiers isto give them poison food and the easiest way to get the Germans killedoff would be to invite them out here and board a while. And in thesecond place if a man asks for leave when he hasn't only been here 2wks. It would hurt my chance to get a corporal or a sargent and any wayI figured Florrie would rather see something new like the camp then setthrough a ball game and of course it would be different if I waspitching but I suppose it was Faber's turn today and I see where Cicottetrimmed them yesterday but at that the score would of been 1 and 1 ifFelsch hadn't of hit that ball out of the park and Sallee must be hisbrother in law or something to give him a ball like that to hit. If Iwas pitching he would be lucky to hit one up in the press box. 

So I told Sargent Leslie I wasn't feeling good and would he fix it forme to take my leave some other time and he says I was the only soldierhe ever seen that was to sick to go on their leave so then I told him mywife and kid was comeing out here to see me today and he says all right. 

[Illustration: Camp Grant must be infected with mormons (p. 51). ]

So I didn't go Al and the funny part of it is that somebody must oftipped Sebastian off that I wasn't going and what does he do but get hisleave called off to and he has been here all yesterday and today andthat proves he is laying for me and just wanted to go because I wasgoing and it looks like the only way I can ever get away from here issneak out without letting nobody know I am going and even then he wouldprobably send word to his gang in Chi to keep their eye on me till hecome. 

I have caught him looking at me 2 or 3 times and I had a notion to askhim if he seen anything green but what is the use Al of startingsomething with a man like he and if I was to loose my temper and busthim Capt. Nash might hear about it and shut us both up in the guardhouse together and one or the other of us wouldn't never come out aliveand which ever one it was it would give the camp a black eye. 

Well Al about all I done today was look for Florrie and little Al and Ididn't give them up till 5 o'clock tonight because I thought maybe theyhad missed the A. M. Trains and would come later and every timeI seen a woman and kid toddleing up the road I would think sure it wasthem this time and I was dissapointed about 30 thousand times becausethey was at least that many women and kids here today and if they wasall somebody's wife Camp Grant must be infected with Mormons. 

All the women had baskets and boxs full of pie and jell and fried cakesand what all but they wasn't no package of goodys with my name andaddress on them Al and they wasn't no little schaefer yelling theresdaddy when they seen me and running up to get huged. 

Well Al the man that was to call up Florrie come back this P. M. And come in the barracks just before I started this letter and I askedhim I said "Well Bishop did you call up my wife like I told you?" Hisname is Bishop. "Hell" he says "I forgot all about it. " And honest Alhis size is all that saved him the little srimph and if he was anywheresnear a man I would of Bishoped him right in the eye. But I managed tokeep my hands off of him and all as I said was for him to get out of myway before it was to late and then he begun to whine and says how sorryhe was and he says "I got some excuse because I reached home just intime to be presented with a baby girl. "

How is that for an excuse Al and the only wonder is that he didn'tforget if it was a boy or a girl before he got back here but of course aman like he wouldn't have nothing but a girl. But isn't it just my luckAl for me to trust somebody to do something and then for them to go andhave a baby on me? And I hope every time he gos home she is yelling allnight with the collect. 

Your pal, JACK. 

CAMP GRANT, Oct. 10. 

_FRIEND AL:_ Well Al I wrote to Florrie Sun. Night and told her what hadcame off and about this fat head forgetting to call her up and I justgot a letter back from her and she says her and little Al both of themcried themself to sleep Saturday night because I didn't show up and shehad let little Al set up till 9 o'clock so as he could see his daddy ina uniform and when I didn't come then or Sun. A. M. Neither theythought I didn't care for them no more so they went to the ball gameSun. P. M. , and McGraw started another left hander and youprobably read what happened to him and I suppose everybody is sayingwhat a whale Faber is and who wouldn't be a whale if they get 5 runs foryou in one inning but even if you are a whale that don't excuse you fromtrying to steal a base that one of your own men all ready got thereahead of you and hasn't left yet. 

But Florrie and little Al are comeing out here next Sunday Al and thistime they won't be no mix up because I won't depend on no half wit thatthe minute they become a father they go all to peaces. 

But what I wanted to tell you about was Sebastian. Well Al Shorty Laheywas trying to make me believe this bird was a bad egg and that theycalled him Nick the Blade because he always went a round with a knifeand whittled you if you looked X eyed at him but the next time Shortywants to kid somebody he better try it on some yapp that hasn't been inthe big league and I let him think he was stringing me just to see howfar he would go with it but if he thought he had me fooled the shoes wason his feet not mine. 

Well Al Sebastian's name is just plain Nick without no Blade on it andthe only blade he ever pulled was a blade of grass or something becausehe use to help take care of the grounds at Washington Pk. Before he wasdrafted and he has been one of my admirers for a long while and that iswhy he kept looking at me and he says he use to always try and get tothe games when it was my turn to pitch and he has been wanting to talkto me ever since we been here but today was the first time he got up thenerve and he never had no intentions of going on leave last Sat. And toprove it he showed me a letter he got from his wife last Friday and shedon't spell very good but she spoke in the letter about comeing here tosee him this next Sunday and nothing about him comeing there to see herand she is going to bring their 2 kids along and he says he never seena man with a prettier wind up then I got and all together he is O. K. Andwhen Shorty trys to make you beleive somebody is a murder he ought topick out a man that looks like the part. 

I haven't said nothing to Shorty and I won't but what I will do is playa joke on him right back only I will make it a good one and not nofizzle like some of his. 

And oh yes Al they have sent Castle over to the quarter masters dept. And he won't have a chance to kill nobody there except when they comeafter a pair of shoes. 

Your pal, JACK. 

[Illustration]

CAMP GRANT, Oct. 12. 

_FRIEND AL:_ Well old pal I am writeing this in the Y. M. C. A. Where a manhas got some chance to hear yourself think as they say but if you tryand write over in the barracks if they don't joggle your arm or tip yourseat over for a joke they are all the time jabbering back and forth inforeign languages till you get so balled up that instead of writeing aletter a man is libel to make out his will in Eskimo or something. 

Speaking about foreign languages Al the next time I see you I will betalking French like a regular Frenchman and you will have to ask me totranslate what I am talking about. Of course I am just jokeing aboutthat because I wouldn't spring a lot of stuff on you that you wouldn'tunderstand and I might just as well go up to a statue and ask them howtheir father stood his operation or something. But what I am getting atis that I am going to join the French lesson class here and itssomething that you don't have to belong to it unless you want to but Ifigure a man is a sucker if they don't take advantage of a chance likethis because in the first place it don't cost you nothing and in thesecond place the men that knows how to talk French will have all thebest of it when we get over there because suppose you was in Paris andfelt like you wanted a glass of pilsner and if you said it in Frenchthey would fetch it to you but if you just said pilsner they wouldn'tknow if you was asking for something to drink or a nasal dooch or whatnot. 

But besides that Al after we get to France the French officers will wantto tip us off on this and that about the Germans and of course theywon't talk to the privates but they will only talk to the officers andif I am a officer by that time which it looks like a cinch I will be oneby that time at the outside why suppose I was standing by 1 of ourgenls. And a French genl. Wanted to tell him what was what and etc. Butcouldn't talk nothing but French and our genl. Couldn't make head ortales of it then I could act like an interpeter between the both of themand the first thing you know all the high monkey monks when they want totalk back and forth will be pageing Capt. Keefe or Major Keefe orwhatever officer I am by that time. 

Some of the boys laughed at me tonight when I told them about going toattend the lessons but I will be the one that does the laughing when weget across that old pond and Shorty Lahey the smart alex that I told youabout says to me "We won't do all our training with the French army butwe will do some of it with the English army so while you are at it youbetter learn to talk English to. " So I said "You better learn to talkEnglish yourself" and he shut his mouth. 

Well Al Florrie and little Al will be here to see me Sunday and I can'thardly wait for them to get here and I suppose Florrie will bring alongsome daintys of some kind that she cooked up herself or maybe got theswede girl to do it but of course I am not worring about whether shebrings anything or don't bring anything as long as she brings herselfand the kid only most of the wifes that comes out here Sundays bringssomething along to show they been thinking of you though if I was mostof these birds wifes the only time I would think about them would bewhen I said my prayers at night and then I would thank God they hadjoined the army. 

Your pal, JACK. 

[Illustration]

CAMP GRANT, Oct. 14. 

_FRIEND AL:_ Well Al its Sunday night and I been entertaining company. Florrie and little Al got out here just after noon and I was in thebarracks reading about the world serious game in Chi yesterday andFlorrie says she asked 1 of the boys where I was at and he told her Iwas polishing the general's shoes and wouldn't he do just as well. Howis that for a fresh bum Al and of course I don't have to polish thegeneral's shoes or any shoes and if I could find out who it was thatFlorrie was talking to I would polish their jaw for them. 

Well of course Florrie didn't beleive him and the next man she asked wasNick Sebastian and he come and got me and you ought to seen Florriestair when she got a look at me in my uniform and little Al didn't knowme at first and when Florrie says to him who is it he says it was thecapt. Well Al it is to soon to be calling me a capt. But if they arerunning this game on the square it won't be long and they will becalling me more then that. 

[Illustration: I didn't feel so sorry for him when we opened the boxesthey had broughten us (p. 65). ]

Well Florrie handed me a box and she says I was to not open it till shewas gone and then I showed them over the camp and the way the boysstaired at Florrie I couldn't help from being proud of her but of courseif some of them had of got to fresh I would of fixed them so theywouldn't do no stairing for a couple of wks. Sebastian's wife and 2 kidswas here to visit him and we run into them and we all went a roundtogether and I made the remark that it would be nice for Mrs. Sebastianand her kids and Florrie and little Al to all go back to Chi on the sametrain together and it was O. K. With Mrs. Sebastian but when I andFlorrie was alone together for a few minutes she started to ball me outfor makeing the suggestion and I asked her what was the matter with itand she says she wasn't going to set in the same seat on the train witha woman that looked like she had left home before she got up and littleAl would probably catch something from the 2 Sebastian kids so I saidthat Mrs. Sebastian done real work for a liveing and you couldn't expecther to look like Sarah Bernhart but Florrie is the kind that if shetakes a dislike towards somebody its good night to them and it don't dono good to tell her that a person can't help their looks and that is allthe more reason you should try and not hurt their feelings. So Mrs. Sebastian had a round trip ticket on the C. B. And Q. And so did Florriebut she pretended like hers was on the I. C. And thats the way her andlittle Al went back so they wouldn't have to set with the Sebastians andtake a chance of little Al catching something though from what I seen ofthe Sebastian kids they looked as strong as a horse and they wasn't nodanger of catching nothing from them unless maybe it was the bananahabit. 

I suppose I would of been a grass widower long ago if I was ugly and howwill it be if I get shot up in the war and Florrie would sew me for abill of divorce on the grounds that I didn't have no nose to smell thecooking. 

Well Al after they had gone Sebastian made the remark that I had abeautiful wife and I couldn't help from feeling kind of sorry for him soI says "Never mind old boy" I said to him "as long as your Mrs. Is agood mother and willing to work you should not worry if she is no EvaTanguay. " But I didn't feel so sorry for him when we opened up the boxsthey had broughten us and Sebastian's wife had give him doughnuts and apie and part of a cake and goodys of all kinds and when I opened up mybox it was a lb. Of candy like you get in a union station for 60 cts andif it wasn't for the picture of a girl on the cover it would be allprofit and a man can't eat the picture which was the only part of itthat hadn't ran together like chop sooy and Florrie would of made justas big a hit with me if she had of put in the time bakeing me a mess ofcookys that she spent toneing up her ear lobs or something. 

Well Al I suppose you read about yesterday's game in Chi. I been sayingright along that the White Sox was to lucky to loose and the only way Ican figure out yesterday's game is that they must be a rule in theNational League where you can't change from 1 pitcher to another pitchertill the other team gives their consent. From what I read in the papersSallee could of been turned loose with his fast ball in a looking glassfactory without damageing the goods and when Jackson and Collins beginsto take a toe hold against a left hander its time to summons the Red X. You will notice Rowland didn't waist no time getting Russell out ofthere and the next time he starts a left hander will be on the trainingtrip next spring in Wichita where if you beat them to bad they won'tgive you a card to the Elks. 

Your pal, JACK. 

CAMP GRANT, Oct. 16. 

_MY CHER AMI:_ I suppose you will think I have gone crazy when you readthe way I started this letter out and you will wonder if I have gonecrazy. Well Al that is the French word for my dear friend in English soyou see I have not gone crazy after all. I took my first lesson lastnight and it is going to be nuts to learn it because most of the wordsis just like English only spelled different and you don't say them thesame but the man learns us a dozen words and tells us how to say themand we keep saying them over till we get them down and it wont' be longwhen we got enough of them learned so as we can jabber back and forth infront of the boys that didn't have sense enough to learn it and theywon't know if we are calling them names or getting ready to murder them. 

Well Al we had Gen. Barry out overlooking us yesterday and he said wewas a fine looking bunch of soldiers as he even seen and we put in mostof the day digging trenchs just like the ones they got over in Germanyand when we get them fixed up we will practice fighting for them till wecan go through them Dutchmen like they was fly paper and I wouldn't besurprised Al if we got word soon to pack up and start because RedSampson one of the boys in our Co. Has got a brother thats over thereall ready and he is Gen. Pershing's right hand bower and so he gets thedope pretty straight and in a letter Red got from him he says Gen. Pershing had asked Secty. Daniels to send over the best looking lot ofsoldiers from each camp and from what Gen. Barry said about us I supposewe will be the first to go but it may not be for a wk. Or so because Redsaid he heard we wasn't going till each Co. Had a rifle. 

If we do have to go in a hurry I won't be able to write you about wherewe are leaveing from and etc. On acct. Of the censure because the Germanspy might get next to it and he could wire across to Germany and thesubmarine U boats would be on the outlook for us. But between you and IRed says we are libel not to go where the submarines can get a crack atus but we may slip around the other way and light in Japan and make therest of the trip by R. R. And he says we may even not go to France butstay and help the Russians out. So Shorty Lahey was there and he hasalways got to say something so people will think he knows it all so hesaid the Russians didn't need nobody to help them out because they werepretty near out now. So Red said "You will notice they didn't loosemuch ground yesterday" and Shorty says "No they only loose 2 miles andthey must of been a strong east wind blowing but I will bet you that ifwe do make the trip that way we will bump into them along about OgdenUtah. " So Red says "No because if they ever get to Utah they will hidein Salt Lake City where the Germans couldn't tell them by their beards. "So then Shorty seen he was getting kidded and shut up. 

This A. M. We spent a half hour listening to a speech about theGerman gas and of course you have read about the gas Al and it isn'tlike regular gas but its some kind of poison that the Germans lets itloose in the air and it floats across Nobodys land and comes to theother trenchs and if you haven't got no mask its good night but we areall going to have masks to wear so the gas can't hurt us. Red says thatsone thing where the Russians have got it on us and they don't have to bescared of dying from gastritis because the Germans haven't no gas fastenough to catch up with them. 

Well Al the world serious is over just like I said it would be with theWhite Sox winner and each one of the boys gets $3600. 00 and that wouldof been my share only I loved my country more than a few dollars and Ibet the boys feel kind of ashamed of themself to think I was the onlyone that passed up all that jack to work for Uncle Sam at $30. 00 permo. But between you and I Al I have got a scheme where I will make twicethat amt. And if some of the rest of the boys here thought about it theycould do the same thing but why should I tip them off because you canbet they wouldn't tip me off to a good thing if they thought of itfirst. 

Here is the scheme when a man has got a family the govt. Keeps out 1/2of your pay every month or more if you want them to and then the govt. Sticks the same amt. In with it and sends it to your wife or who evergets it. Say you are a private and getting about $30. 00 per mo. And youtell the govt. To keep out $15. 00 of it. So the govt. Keeps $15. 00 andsticks another $15. 00 with it and sends it to your family. 

Well Al I am going to tell them to keep out my whole $30. 00 per mo. Andthey will have to put another $30. 00 with it and send the $60. 00 toFlorrie and she won't need it so she can either send it to me or salt itaway somewheres in my name and it means I will be getting $60. 00 whilethe rest of them are dragging down $30. 00 and if it was just luck on mypart I wouldn't think it was hardly fair but when a man figuressomething out in your head you got a right to take advantage of it and aman that give up a big league salary and the world serious dough to dotheir bit deserves something extra while the only way some of the restof these birds could earn $30. 00 per mo. Outside of the army would be toask for it with a peace of lead pipe. 

Well old pal bon sore for this time and that means good night in Frenchand pretty soon I will be writeing you a whole letter in French only ofcourse I wouldn't do that because it would be like waisting that muchpaper because they couldn't nobody in Bedford make heads or tales out ofit and I might just as well save my labor for my pains as they say. 

Your pal, JACK. 

[Illustration]

CAMP GRANT, Oct. 18. 

_FRIEND AL:_ Well old pal I got a peace of news for you that I bet youwill be tickled to death for my sake when I tell it to you. I guess Itold you in my last letter about Gen. Barry inspecting us. Well Al Ikind of thought I seen him looking at me like he liked the way I carrymyself and etc. But I didn't want to say nothing about it till I wassure but after breakfast this A. M. Capt. Nash sent for me andwhen I went in his office and saluted he says "Good morning CorporalKeefe. " Well Al of course that means I have been appointed a corporaland of course I expected it only I wasn't looking for it so soon andwhile Capt. Nash didn't say nothing it don't take no Bobby Burns tofigure out that the orders come from higher up. 

The corporals and sargents we had at first was men from the regular armyand they been sending them away lately and now some of the boys from theranks gets their chance. In order to get a corporal or a sergent a manhas got to have the drills down perfect besides being a perfect physicalspecimen and good appearance and a man that the rest of the boys willlook up to him and respect him and a man that don't know the meaning ofthe word fear. Well Al I must of filled the bill and I will show Gen. Barry he didn't make no mistake. 

My command is made up of 7 men that I am the boss of them and theycontain Sebastian and Red Sampson and Shorty Lahey and a wop namedJaninny or something and a big stropper named Hess and 2 boys namedGardner and Bowen and some of them is pretty rough birds but I won'thave no trouble handleing them because they know about my record inbaseball and they can't help from respecting a man that give up a bigsalary to help Uncle Sam out and the only I that might try and give metrouble is Lahey and I guess he has got better sense then trying some ofhis funny jokes with a corporal because when a private monkeys with aofficer he is libel to wake up the next A. M. With no place towear his hat. 

[Illustration: The way he throwed bombs he couldn't of took a baseballand hit the infield from second base (p. 77). ]

Well Al a corporal isn't the highest officer in the army but its a stepup and everybody has got to start at the bottom and Napoleon started asa corporal and the soldiers was all nuts about him and called him thelittle Corporal and maybe they will give me a nick name like that onlyof course it won't be the little corporal because that would be likecalling Jess Willard Tiny Jess or something and the salary is $36. 00 permo. Instead of $30. 00 and with that scheme I got fixed up with the govt. That will give me twice $36. 00 per mo. Or $66. 00 and I'll say thats awhole lot better then a private at $1. 00 per day. 

I have all ready wrote and told Florrie about it and I bet she will gocrazy when she reads my letter and after this when they call her Mrs. Keefe she can shrink up her shoulders and say "Mrs. Corp. Keefe please"and you will have to salute when you see me Al. Of course I mean thatfor a joke because what ever honors I get I wouldn't leave them make nodifference in our friendship and betwen you and I it will always be justplain Jack Keefe. 

Well Al we started today learning to throw bombs and of course thatwon't be no trick for me and you might say it was waisting time for meto practice at it because when my arm feels O. K. I can throw in yourvest pocket but today it was raining and I wouldn't cut loose and takechances with my arm because I figure this war won't last long and Iguess I won't have no trouble signing up in the big league at my ownturns after what I done. But you ought to seen the officer that wastrying to learn us how and if they all throw like he its a wonder theyhit Europe to say nothing about the Germans. He kept his arm stiff likehe didn't have no elbow joint and he was straight over hand all thewhile like Reulbach and you know what kind of control he had. 

We didn't have no regular bombs but only stones and tomato cans but theway he throwed he couldn't of took a baseball and hit the infield fromsecond base and finely I told him and he said yes but if you crookedyour arm you would wear it out because the regular bombs weighs almost 2lbs. And you had to use a easy motion. How is that Al for a fresh bumtrying to talk to me about easy motions and I had a notion to tell himto go back to France with his motions but I kept my temper and throwed afew the right way till my arm got to feeling sore. 

Well its 10 o'clock and after and I am going to turn in and it isn'tthat I feel sleepy but when a man is a officer you feel like you oughtto set an example to the men. 

Your pal, CORP. JACK KEEFE. 

CAMP GRANT, Oct. 22. 

_FRIEND AL:_ Well Al we had some lessons in trench takeing today and Ifeel like I had been in a football game or something. We would climb upout of the trenchs that was supposed to be the U. S. Trenchs and runacross Nobody's Land and take the trenchs that was supposed to be theGerman trenchs and clean them out with rifles and bayonets and bombs andof course we didn't have no real rifles and bombs but if we had of andthey had been any Germans in the trenchs it would of been good night tothem. 

We done it over and over till I was pretty near wore out but of course Ipretended like I was fresh as a daisy because a good corporal wouldn'tnever lay down till he was dead and its their business to set up anexample for the boys and inspire them so I kept hollering like HugheyJennings or somebody and every time we started out of our trenchs Iwould holler "Come on boys give them hell this time" and I guess it madea hit with the instructers because they kept smileing at me and talkingabout me between themselfs and I could pretty near guess what they said. But of course it made Shorty Lahey sore to see me getting all theattentions and he says to me "Who do you think you are Jonah Vark?" SoI said "You tend to your business and show some life or I will JonahVark you in the jaw. "

So afterwards when we was in the barracks he come up and says "If youare playing Jonah Vark you should ought to quit telling us to come onboys and give them hell because Jonah Vark wouldn't never use a wordlike that. " So I said "I guess he would say a whole lot worse then thatif he had a dirty rat like you in his command. " So that shut him up. 

Tonight they showed us some pictures that was supposed to be the WestPt. Cadets drilling and Capt. Nash says if we ever got so as we coulddrill like that he would quit working us so hard. Well Al its all O. K. To hand that stuff to the boys that don't know no more then to fall forit but I hope they didn't suppose I was a sucker enough to think thosewas real pictures but of course I wouldn't say nothing because iflooking at a lot of fake pictures makes the boys work harder the soonerwe will get sent to France. 

I was just talking to Red Sampson and he was telling me about a birdnamed Chambers in Co. A and it shows some people don't know when theyhave got a good thing and don't appreciate what people trys to do forthem. I remember this bird comeing out with us on the train and theywouldn't nobody go near him on acct. Of him being such a bum and Redsays he heard that for a while after we got here they had to chase thisbird under the shower bath with a bayonet and he done most of hisdrilling in the guard house. So finely his captain told him he wouldn'tstand for no more of his monkey business and he would call him up infront of the court marshall if he didn't behave himself. 

So then Chambers says all right he would make a new start and sureenough he cut it all out and begin to take a pride in himself and gotthe drills down pat and kept clean and his captain wanted to show him itpayed to be a man and he made a corporal out of him. 

Well Al you can't break the rules when you are a corporal no more than aprivate but this bird went to Chi the day before yesterday on a leaveand he was supposed to be back at 11 P. M. Last night but hedon't show till 2 A. M. And he was all lit up like the City ofBenton Harbor and of course the guard nailed him and he got called upbefore his captain and he busted him and I don't mean he cracked him inthe jaw but when a man gets busted in the army it means you get reducedto a private. So I said to Red what a sucker this bird was and Red saysmaybe he wanted to get busted because a corporal has got such a load ontheir shoulders that lots of men would rather be a private. So I said itmust be a fine kind of a man that would turn down a job in the armybecause it was a tough job and Red says "Yes but everybody ain't likeyou and some men don't want no responsibility but you are one of thekind that the more they have the better they like it and everybody couldsee you was a born leader the way you acted in that trench drill today. "

So I suppose after all a man like Chambers has no business in a job likecorporal because it is a cinch nobody would ever call him a born leaderunless it was in the gin league but still a person would think he wouldtry and behave himself after the captain give him that chance but stillI should not worry and it is none of my business and all I got to do isset up the right kind of an example for my own command and leave therest of them take care of themselfs. 

Your pal, JACK. 

CAMP GRANT, Oct. 23. 

_FRIEND AL:_ Well I have quit takeing French class lessons and I quitbecause I felt it wasn't fair to either myself or Capt. Nash becausewhen a man is a corporal its all head work you might say and a man oughtto keep their mind on their job evenings as well as day times and I feltlike I couldn't do that and be monking with French at the same time andit would be like as if I was back pitching baseball and trying to learnto play a saxophone or something at the same time and in the eveningswhen I ought to be figureing out how to pitch to Pipp instead of that Iwould have my mind on what keys to blow next though of course I just saythat for a comparison because I could learn how to play the whole bandand still make a sucker out of that bird because all you got to do is topitch outside. But besides that I figured that the man who was trying tolearn us French didn't know what he was talking about and what is theuse of learning it wrong and then you got to start all over again whenwe got over there. For inst. He asked me what was the English word forvery in French so I knew it was tres so I said tres and he says no itwas tray because you say the letter e like it was the letter a and youdon't pay no attention to the letter s. So I asked him what it was therefor then and he said that was just the French of it so I had a notion totell him to go and take a jump in the lake but I decided to just saynothing and quit. I guess the French people are not crazy and theywouldn't nobody but a crazy man stick a letter in a word and then makeup their mind to ignore it you might say and it would be just like as ifI wanted a beer and I would go up to the bar and say "Give me a bee" andI guess the man would think I thought I was in a bee hive or somethingor else he would think I had a bee in my bonnet eh Al?

But laying all jokes to one side I have got to much on my mind to befooling with it and besides I put in a week on it and I figure I havegot it down good enough so as I can get by and besides I am one of thosekind that don't have much to say but when theys something to be done youdon't have to send no blood hounds to find where I am at. 

Red Sampson got another letter today from his brother in France and Redsays his brother and Pershing was right up close to the front where theycould see the fighting and they was a big battle in Sept. That thepapers didn't get a hold of it and about 2500 Frenchmen was killed. SoShorty Lahey asked if they was all privates and Red says No that in theFrench army they have things different and you don't often see a privatekilled but when theys 25000 men killed you can figure that at least20000 of them was corporals and sargents because the corporals andsargents has to go out in front of all the charges. Well Al I am gladits different in the U. S. Army but at that I am not the kind of a manthat would hang back for the fear of getting a bullet in me and if I wasI would resign from my command and tell them to get somebody else. 

Your pal, JACK. 

[Illustration]

CAMP GRANT, Oct. 24. 

_FRIEND AL:_ Well Al this was Liberty Day and we had a parade inRockford and they was also some ball games out here and that is the boysthought they was playing ball and everybody was crazy I should pitch forone of the teams but in the first place I didn't feel like it would befair and besides I figure its bad dope for the officers to mix up withthe men and play games with them and etc. And thats not because I thinkI am any better then anybody else but if you hold yourself off theyrespect you that much more and I have noticed that Capt. Nash and thelieuts, don't hang a round with nobody only themselfs and when it comesto the majors and colonels I guess they don't even speak to their ownwife only when they are danceing maybe and step on each others ft. 

Well Al I decided today to not try and work that little scheme I hadabout alloting my whole salary to Florrie and then the govt. Would putthe same amt. With it and I would be salting away $66. 00 per mo. Insteadof $36. 00 and I was talking to Corp. Haney about it and he says itcouldn't be done and I don't know about that but any way I figured itwouldn't be fair to the rest of the boys so I am going to allot $18. 00per mo. To Florrie to keep for me and that leaves me $18 per mo. Tospend that is it leaves me that amt. On paper but when you come tofigure it out Al I am paying $5. 60 for soldiers insurance and $10. 00 permo. For another liberty bond I bought and that leaves me $2. 40 per mo. To spend and how is that for a man that was drawing a salary in the bigleague but at that I have got it on some of the privates that gives upthe same amt. For insurance and a liberty bond and they only gets $30. 00per mo. And 1/2 of that amt. Gos to their wife so when it comes to theend of the month they owe $. 60 for being a soldier. 

Speaking about the soldiers insurance with the kind I got if I wasdisabled they would have to give me $50. 00 to $60. 00 per mo. On acct. Ofme haveing Florrie and little Al and that would come in handy Al if Igot my right arm shot off and couldn't pitch but at that I know birds inthe big league now thats drawing $400. 00 to $500. 00 per mo. And as faras their pitchings conserned they might just as well have both theirarms shot off and include their head. 

[Illustration: Corporal don't carry no arms of any kind and all he is isa kind of decoy to kep the Germans shooting (p. 91). ]

Well anyway we won't have to practice fighting no more with broom sticksand cans and etc. Because Sargent James told us tonight that the rifleswas comeing so I said to my boys that I hoped they was good shots so wecould make a sucker out of the other squads and I told them if they wasall as good a shot as me I wouldn't have no kick because I figure thatanybody thats got as good control when they throw or pitch shouldcertainly ought to shoot straight. So Red Sampson says that if I was inthe French army it wouldn't do me no good to be a crack shot and I askedhim why not and he says the corporals in the French army are not allowedto carry no guns but all they was supposed to do was run ahead of theprivates and draw the fire and maybe if the Germans happened to not hitthem they could pull out their scissors and cut the bob wireuntanglements so as the privates wouldn't have no trouble getting in tothe German trenchs where they could use their bayonets. 

Red says "Instead of the pollutes trying to get to be a corporal theytry not to because when they appoint you a corporal in the French armyits a good night kiss and of course its a honor at that because it showsthey think you are a game bird and don't care for your own life as longas you help the cause and that is why they picked you out. Because acorporal don't carry no arms of any kind and all he is is a kind of adecoy to kep the Germans shooting at him so as to protect the regularsoldiers and that is why over 80% of the casualtys in the French army iscorporals. "

Well Al as I said before I am not in the French army and I should worryabout what they do to corporals in the French army. 

I pretty near forgot to tell you that I am going home on leave Saturdayand you can bet I am going this time sick or no sick because from allthe rumors a round the camp we might be leaveing for across the pond anyday now specially with the rifles comeing and that makes it look like wewould soon be on our way and if I didn't see Florrie and little Albefore I left it would probably be the last time I would see thembecause something tells me Al that if I go over there I won't never comeback. 

Your pal, JACK. 

CAMP GRANT, Oct. 26. 

_FRIEND AL:_ Well don't be surprised if you read in the paper anyA. M. Where our regt. Has been ordered to France but of course Idon't suppose they would come out in the paper with it because GeneralPershing don't want it to get out what regts. Is over there and probablyyou won't hear nothing about it when we do go because they won't be nochance for me to write to you and if you don't hear from me for a longwhile you will know we have gone and the next time you hear from me willbe from over there. I got the dope tonight from Red Sampson and he heardit from one of the men that was on guard yesterday and this man heardthe Col. Telling Capt. Gould of Co. B that General Pershing had sent forthe best looking regt. Out here and Gen. Barry had recommended our regt. And from what Red says we will probably go in a week or so and he don'tknow if we are going by the way of the Atlantic or the Pacific but allas I hope is that we get there before the war is over. 

I am certainly glad now that I arranged for leave this wk. End becauseit will give me a chance to fix my affairs up before I go and ifanything should happen to me they wouldn't be no trouble for Florrieabout property and etc. I certainly wish I had enough so as I couldleave you and Bertha something to help you along old pal and maybe ifthey had give me more time I could of fixed things up but all as I canleave you now is my friendship and remember that if anything happens Iwas your old pal and you boys that stays home is the ones we are layingdown our life for and if it wasn't for men like we where would you be atAl and your familys?

Well Al I am proud of my squad the way they took the news and we was theonly ones that knew about it and yet they wasn't a man in my commandthat didn't act like he was tickled to death and thats the right kind ofa spirit and I spoke about it to Red Sampson. I said "I am proud of allof you because instead of you whineing and putting on a long face youall act like you was going to a picnic or something. " So Red says heguessed the rest of the boys and him didn't have no license to cry aslong as I kept up my spirits. He says "Maybe it would be different if wewas all corporals because then it would seem like we was leaveing homeforever. But you are the bird thats takeing the chance and if you cankeep smileing we would be a fine bunch if we broke down and begun towhine and I don't suppose theys a man amongst us that has thought aboutdanger to themselfs but its all whats going to happen to you. "

Well Al thats the kind of a bunch to have under you and it makes a manthink of Napoleon and how his men looked up at him. 

Well maybe you won't get no more letters from me that is if the callcomes before I leave tomorrow for Chi but if I get there O. K. I willwrite to you from there because probably by the time I get back here theorders will be to pack up and move and then I won't have no time towrite. 

Your pal, JACK. 

[Illustration]

CHICAGO, Oct. 28. 

_FRIEND AL:_ Well Florrie is still in the hay yet and little Al isplaying with himself on the floor and reading the pictures in the SundayA. M. Paper and I thought I would sleep late this A. M. But when a mangets in the habit of wakeing up early you get so as you can't sleepafter you wake up once and thats the way it was with me. 

Well Al I suppose you will be surprised at me saying it but I prettynear wish I wasn't no officer but just a private like at first and I gota good notion to go back to the camp like Chambers did behind time and1/2 stewed and the reason I feel like that is because I have gotattached to my boys and I would pretty near rather give up going toFrance all together then quit them because it seems like it wouldn't behardly fair to leave them now that they have got so as they look up atme and I figure that even if I wasn't a corporal no more but just I ofthem I could do more good then if I quit them entirely. 

I suppose you will wonder what I am getting at Al. Well on the traincomeing from Rockford yesterday I was setting with Shorty Lahey and hewas on leave to and I know its a mistake sometimes for a officer to pala round with their men but I set with him on the train because I can'tstand it to hurt a man's feelings and Shorty's hearts in the right placewith all his jokeing and etc. So we set down together on the train andgot to talking things over and he says "Well Keefe you have got to be acorporal and that means you have made good and I wish I was in yourshoes. "

So I said that if he took care of himself and minded his business theywasn't no reason why he wouldn't be advanced higher up the ladder sometime in the future and he says "Yes but now is the time I would like tobe in your shoes because I would like to get over to France and get init. " So I asked him what he meant and he says the dope Red Sampson wasgiving me was part of it right and part of it wrong and the right dopewas that General Pershing hadn't sent for our whole regt. But what hehad sent for was all the non commission officers out of the regt. Andthat means all the corporals and sergents and they was the only onesgoing this time because the French army had ran out of non commission, officers and General Pershing was going to lend them the best ones wehad over here in training. 

[Illustration: Florrie is still in the hay yet and little Al is playingon the floor (p. 97). ]

So I said "Well it looks like I was elected and its 100 to 1 that Iwon't never come back. " So Shorty says "Oh I don't know about that andI think Red Sampson is wrong about them killing all them corporalsbecause from what I heard they's a few of them they don't try and killso they can take them prisoner and get information off them. "

So I said "They would have a hell of a chance getting information off mebecause they could kill me before I would spill anything. " So Shortysays "You might not spill nothing at first but you would be a game birdif you stuck through all the tortures because when they ask yousomething and you don't tell them they cut off a couple of toes and seeif that won't make you talk and so on till you don't hardly know if youare alive but if you are game enough to stand all they give you whyfinely they will see what a game bird you are and then they finish youoff so you won't suffer no more. But if you tell them all you know rightat first they won't do nothing to you only of course you will be aprisoner there in Germany till the war is over and they make you workyour head off without no food and they don't even feed the guardsbecause they want to keep them mad at the prisoners so as they will makethem work harder and every time you act like you was loafing orsomething the guards scratchs their initials in you with theirbayonet. "

So I asked him where he got his dope and he says he didn't know if itwas all true or not but his wife's 2 brothers was in the German army andthey had wrote home about it and maybe it was all bunk. 

Well Al I figured I would take Florrie to a show somewheres last nightbecause maybe it would be the last time but after supper I felt kind ofsick on acct. Of the change in food and I asked Florrie if she wouldjust as leave stay home so I went to bed early and I thought I would geta good rest but I didn't get no sleep and as I said I couldn't sleepthis A. M. And now I am waiting for her to get up for breakfast. 

I only wish they was some way for me to get out of this corporal and itisn't that I can't handle it but it seems like a shame to leave theother boys that almost worships me you might say and here is little Alplaying on the floor and if his daddy was just a private I might maybestay at Camp Grant all winter and come in and see Florrie and he everymonth. 

Your pal, JACK. 

CAMP GRANT, Oct. 30. 

_FRIEND AL:_ Well Al I am not going to France at all that is right awayand this time I got the dope straight from Capt. Nash and not from noLahey or Sampson. 

Here is the way I come to find out Al. I was supposed to get back incamp Sunday night but I missed the train out of Chi and I took the firsttrain yesterday A. M. And I got reported for being A. W. O. L. , andthat means I was absent without no leave so I got called up in theorderly room in front of Capt. Nash. 

So he says "Well Keefe don't tell me your aunt died. " So I asked himwhat he meant because I haven't no aunt only by marriage that lives downin Texas. So he says "Do you know what we could do to you for beingA. W. O. L. " So I said "I suppose you could bust me. " So he says "Yes andthat isn't all. If you was drunk or some excuse like that we could haveyou out in front of a fireing party or if we wanted to go easy with youwe could send you down to Ft. Leavenworth for 10 yrs. " So I said "Iwasn't drunk sir and all the trouble was that I missed a train out ofChi and I didn't miss it more than 2 minutes. " So he says "Well 2minutes and 2 wks. Don't make no difference in this game. But you havebeen behaving yourself O. K. And we got a fine record in this Co. And Idon't want to loose no non commission officers because I haven't gotnone now thats worth a dam. So you see that you don't miss no moretrains because the next time it will go a whole lot different. You areexcused only that you won't get no more leave for a month. "

So I said thank you sir and told him I was sorry because I was in ahurry to get to France and didn't want nothing to come up to interferewith me going and he says "You don't want to go no more then I do but itlooks like we would all be here till we die of old age. " So I asked himif the corporals wasn't going ahead of the rest of the bunch and he saysthe corporals would go with the privates unless they was all shot bythat time for being A. W. O. L. 

So here I am Al and I have told the boys I was not going to quit themand I never seen nobody so tickled. Well Al I am glad to in a way and onthe other hand its a big dissapointment but a man has got to learn toswallow their dissapointments in the army and take what comes. 

Your pal, JACK. 

CAMP GRANT, Nov. 4. 

_FRIEND AL:_ Well Al they have begin to bust up our regt. And take menaway from it and the men they take will get to France before the rest ofus the lucky stiffs but they don't send them right to France from herebut they send them down south to the national guards camps and fill upthe national guards with them and the national guards are going to getacross the pond first because Secty. Daniels wants to save the goodregts. For the finish. 

Well Al they can't send me to France to soon but it looks like theywasn't a chance for a man like I to get sent with the national guardsbecause the men we are sending down south is the riff and raff you mightsay who we want to get rid of them so when Secty. Daniels sends wordthat the national guards at such and such a place wants 7 or 800 men theofficers here picks them out from amidst the kitchen policemen and theguard house. 

It looks now like the real soldiers that they got here would be heremaybe all winter but between you and I Al I got a scheme to beat thatgame. I found out today that they are going to start a officers trainingcamp here in Jan. And if a man makes good in it they will give him alieut. Or a capt. And they won't be no riff and raff allowed in the camponly men that would make a good officer so I guess I won't have notrouble getting in the camp and once I win my lieut. Or capt. Bars theywill probably send me straight to France to take command. 

Things are going along O. K. Without much news to write about. SarahBernhart the French comedian was in Rockford Friday and come out to givethe boys a treat and for some reason another the most of the boys fellall over their self trying to get up close to her and get her to smileat them. Well Al everybody to their own taste but from what I seen ofher she would be perfectly safe around me and if she is a day old she is50 yrs. Old and I will bet money on it. Any way I wouldn't trade Florriefor a dozen like she. 

Your pal, JACK. 

CAMP GRANT, Nov. 7. 

_FRIEND AL:_ Here is one for you Al and its just between you and Ibecause I wouldn't have no one else hear about it for the world. Yesterday we was all presented with some sox made out of knitting andthey come in a bunch from the Red X and when I was going to bed Ithought I would try mine on and see if they fit and if they didn't maybeI could trade with somebody that they did. Well Al I stuck my foot downin 1 of them and my toe run into something funny and I pulled my footout and stuck my hand down in it and pulled out a note that was foldedin side of the sock. Well of course I opened the note up and read it andI will copy down what it said. It says "Dear Soldier Boy, you may neversee me but if you can spare time to write me just a few lines it willmake me happier than any one in the world for I am oh so lonesome. Youwon't disappoint me will you Soldier Boy?" And it was signed Lone Starbut down below she had wrote her name and address. Her name is Miss LucyChase and she lives in Texas. 

Well Al I can't help from feeling sorry for her and if it wasn't forFlorrie and little Al I would write her a note back and thank her forthe sox though between you and I they are to small and try and saysomething that would cheer her up. But of course Florrie wouldn't likefor me to do it and a married man shouldn't ought to be monking aroundlike that and lead a girl on though of course if I did write to her thefirst thing I would tell her would be that I am married. 

But what has been puzzling me is where she seen me. Maybe it was 1 ofthe times we played in Texas in the spring trip either that or she seenmy picture somewheres. Well Al it must of been a picture without my feetin it or she would of made the sox bigger and I wish she had of becauseI don't feel like tradeing them off to nobody now that I know they wasmade for me by a admirer. Laying all jokes to 1 side I do feel sorry forthe girl and if she had of made herself known to me a few years soonerthings might of been different. Don't say nothing about this even toBertha because I don't want it to get all over Bedford. I am not thekind that brags around about their admirers especially when its a girl. 

[Illustration: Everybody cut loose and sung and you could of heard us inBeloit. ]

I thought once or twice today that I would just drop her a cardpretending like the sox fit me to a tea and thanking her for them andgiving a hint that I was a married man but on second thoughts I guessits better to just let the whole affair drop right here. 

They sprung a new one on us last night. Word come from the head quartersthat everybody had to learn to sing and last night was the first lessonand they was about 3000 of us and the teacher was a bird named Nevin andhe got up in front and started out on Keep the home fires burning andsaid we was to all join in. Well Al for some reason another everybodybut he had the lockjaw and as far as we was concerned the fires would ofall died out. Most of our gang is from Chi where they leave takeing careof the furnace to the janitor. He tried 2 or 3 other songs but we wasall deaf and dumb mutes and he finely give up and says he would try someother time when the cat didn't have a hold of our tongue so on the wayback to quarters everybody cut loose and sung and you could of heard usin Beloit. We got a lot of good singers right in our Co. That can hitthe minors to but we are not going to bust out on no teacher's say solike we was in kinder-garden or something. 

Well Al I am going to break into a new game football. They are gettingup a club here in camp to play against the Great Lakes navy and the CampCuster club up in Mich. And they want all the men thats played footballto come out and try for the club here. Well I never played but I toldthem I did and they won't know the difference when they see me becausewhen a man is a born athelete they can play any game and especially acollege Willy boy game like football. I seen one of their college gamesout to the university in Chi once and a man built like I could of made asucker out of both clubs. 

The capt. Of the camp club here is Capt. Whiting and he played with theuniversity of Chi and they got some other would be stars like Shiverickthat played with the Ithaca club down east and Schobinger or somethingfrom Champlain college here in Ill. And a man from Princeton name Eddysomething. Well I will show them something before I get through withthem because an athelete has got to be born and you can't make them outof college Willy boys that stays up all night doing the foxy trot andgets stewed on chocolate and whip cream. 

Your pal, JACK. 

CAMP GRANT, Nov. 10. 

_FRIEND AL:_ Well Al I suppose you read in the papers about that trooptrain that a gang of spys tried to wreck it and it was a train full ofburglars from here that we sent down to Camp Logan to fill up thenational guards and the papers made out like the people that tried towreck it was pro German spys but if you had of seen the birds that wason the train you wouldn't believe it because they wouldn't no Germanswaist their time on them because they will all kill each other anywaybefore they get to France. One of the birds on it was Shorty Lahey thatI all ready told you about him and when the national guards sees himthey will just about declare war against Camp Grant. 

Well Al you remember me writeing to you about that little girl down inTexas that sent me the note in the sox. Well I got to thinking it overand the more I thought about it I got to thinking that it wasn't thesquare thing to not pay no attention to her when she maybe wore herhands to the bone and strained her eyes so as my feet would keep warm sofinely I set down and answered her back and I didn't say nothing mushyof course but just a friendly note to let her know I received the soxand I told her they was a perfect fit and I asked her where it was sheever seen me or my picture or how she come to pick me out and I didn'ttell her nothing about being married because what would be the use ofhurting her and they can't be no harm done because we will never meetand as soon as she writes and tells me where she seen me that will endit. But I just couldn't stand it to think of the poor kid running to thedoor every time the mail man come and maybe crying when they wasn'tnothing for her. I guess Florrie wouldn't have no objections under thecircumstances but if she did find out and start to ball me out I wouldtell her to take a jump in the lake because she never even mended me apair of sox to say nothing about knit them. I also asked the girl tosend me a picture of herself because it tickles them to be asked fortheir picture and of course as soon as I get it I will tear it up butshe won't know that. 

[Illustration: 5 or 4 of us bumped into each other and I got a kick inthe head (p. 117). ]

Well Al I decided to not play on the football club here after all. Inthe 1st. Place theys 3 or 4 privates trying for the club and I don'tbelieve in mixing up with them to much and if Whiting and them otherofficers wants to all right, but that don't make it all right in mymind. And besides I figured it wasn't fair to either myself or Capt. Nash to run the risk of getting hurt in some fool game to say nothingabout learning a lot of fool signals that don't mean nothing but justlearning them takes up your time that you ought to spend thinking how toimprove your command. And another thing the minute they started topractice I seen they didn't know the fame and they will get licked everytime they play and I can't stand to be with a looser. They talked aboutwhat a great kicker this Shiverick is but I watched him trying to kickgools and he missed 3 out of 10 and one of them rolled right along theground like a baby had kicked it. 

Capt. Whiting come up to me when I come out on the field and asked me myname and etc. And what position did I play and I told him center rush ortackle back it didn't make no difference. So he asked me what college Iplayed at and I told him Harvard which was the 1st. Thing that come intomy head. So he says "All right we need a good tackle back so you canplay there now in signal practice" so they lined up and I stood back ofthe center rush and they called out some numbers and throwed the ball toone of them and 3 or 4 of us bumped into each other and fell down and Igot a bad kick in the head but it wasn't bad enough to make me quit butwhat is the use of takeing chances. They can have their football Al ifthey want to waist the govt. Time but I got enough to think aboutthinking about winning this war. 

Your pal, JACK. 

CAMP GRANT, Nov. 14. 

_FRIEND AL:_ Well this was our day out to the rifle range and I'll saySecty. Daniels better hurry up and send some teachers here that knowstheir business. But wait till you hear about it. 

In the 1st. Place it was a rotten day and a bad wind and so dark youcouldn't hardly see and they ought not to of made anybody try to shoot. Well they had some targets that they said was 100 yds. From where we wasto shoot from but it was more like 1/4 of a mile and they said 100 yds. So we would think it was closer. Well the idear was that each guy was toshoot 10 times and if you hit the target it counted 1 pt. And if you hitthe bulls eye it counted 5 pts. So if you hit the bulls eye every timeyou got 50 pts. But nobody in the world could do that the way they madeus shoot. What do you think of them makeing a man lay on their stomachto shoot instead of standing up and I suppose if the Germans got 100yds. From us we would all lay there like we had a stomache and let themcome. Somebody said we layed that way so as to give them less mark toshoot at. How is that for fine dope? Because if you was laying on yourstomach faceing them and they hit you at all they couldn't hit younowheres only in the head and kill you where if you was standing upstraight they would be more libel to hit you anywheres except in thehead and maybe you would get off with a flesh wound or something. 

Well 1 of the smart aleck lieuts. Started out and hit the bulls eye 8times and the target the other 2 times and that give him 42 and heswelled up like a poison pup but the way the wind was blowing you couldtell it was just a accident because if he had of really shot at thetarget the wind would of carried his shots to hell and gone away from itbut what he done was shoot with his eyes shut and the wind done the restof it for him. So some of the other boys shot and some of them had a lotof luck and Red Sampson got 38 and finely it come my turn and I wasdizzy from something I eat and besides by that time it was so dark youcouldn't hardly make out where the target was and I was all cramped uplaying there but at that I just missed the bulls eye the 1st. Time andfinely quit with 8. So afterwards Red Sampson asked me how it come Ididn't have a expert rifle shooter's meddle on me trying to kid me. So Isaid "I never had to shoot for a liveing because I could go out andpitch baseball and make real money where a man like you every time thefamily wanted meat for dinner they would send you out to shoot a snakeor a tom cat or something. " So it was him that got kidded. 

Well Al I will be shooting with the best of them as soon as I get thenack and when they get a man here to learn us that knows his businessand pick out a day when the wind ain't blowing a mile a minute and pitchdark. 

I haven't had no answer from that little girl down in Texas and I hopeshe has got over her infatuation and decided to forget me. 

Your pal, JACK. 

[Illustration]

CAMP GRANT, Nov. 17. 

_FRIEND AL:_ Well Al what do you think I got a letter from the girliedown in Texas and the poor kid has gone crazy over me and I only wishthey was some way to stop her because of course it has got to end righthere and I will just have to drop her a line and tell her the truth thatI am a married man and the best thing she can do is try and forget. ButI am afraid it will be pretty hard for her and I only wish she hadn'tnever seen or heard about me. 

For some reason another she won't tell me where it was she seen me orshe won't send me no picture because she says I might show it to theboys and laugh over that little girl down in Texas and of course Iwouldn't do nothing like that and she wouldn't think so if she knew mebetter. Here is what her letter says. 

My Soldier Boy, so you are an officer now. Well that is just grand and Ifeel all the happier and prouder to hear from you. No Soldier Boy Iwon't tell you where I saw you. You will just have to guess. Don't youremember that day at------? If you don't I won't tell you. And I won'tsend you my photo because I know what soldier boys are. You would showit to everybody in camp and you would all have a good laugh over thelittle f--l woman down in Texas who is fond of you. Well Boy we willprobably never see each other unless you should happen to be sent to oneof the camps down here. Is there any chance of that Soldier Boy? So youquit a job in the big league to fight for Uncle Sam? That was fine ofyou and makes me all the prouder to have your friendship. I am glad youlike the hose I knitted for you. Do you want some more or can I make youa helmet or a sweater or something? Just say what you need and I willmake my needles fly to furnish you with it. And write to me soon. We areso far apart that it takes your letters days and days to reach me. Aurevoir for this time Big Boy. 

Well Al I can't remember to save my soul where it was I and she could ofmet. Maybe I could if she had of put the name of the town in her letterbut she just left a dash like I copied it. I been trying to think up allthe girls I met in different towns while I was with the ball club and Ican remember a lot of them but nobody named Chase but of course shemight of give me a fake name the time we met. 

Well as I say theys only the 1 thing to do and that is drop her a lineand say how things stand with me and for her to forget about me. Itsmighty nice of her to offer to knit me them other articles but of courseI can't ask her to under the circumstances and all I can do is just tocall it off or maybe it would be better to not write to her back butjust leave her guess the truth only I am afraid she would think I was abum to not acknollege her letter. I wish they was somebody to advice mewhat to do but I guess I can't look for no help from you along thoselines eh Al? You never had them looseing their heads and makeinggarments for you and etc. 

I pretty near forgot to tell you that these college Willy boys gotcleaned up 9 to 6 in their game with the sailors from the Great Lakesand the sailors made a monkey out of them and they wasn't a kid on thesailors club that is 20 yrs. Old. I bet Capt. Whiting would of gave hisright eye for a good husky tackle back when them sailors was pushing hisWillys around the field. 

Your pal, JACK. 

[Illustration]

CAMP GRANT, Nov. 22. 

_FRIEND AL:_ Well they have just sent away another train load of theboys to 1 of the national guards and if they keep it up we won't havemore then 30 or 40 left to a Co. I wish I was with the boys that wentbut theys no chance of that because they are keeping the best men hereso as we will be all together when they get ready to send us across. Andit looks like I won't be able to get into the officers training campbecause I heard today that they won't leave nobody in that can't talkall the languages of the ally countrys. Red Sampson heard 2 of thelieuts. Talking about it and 1 of them was saying how even the collegeboys would have to hustle between now and Jan. Because while most ofthem could talk French and Italian they was very few colleges where youcan learn Roman and Australian and etc. So it looks like I would bebared out because while I might pick up the French and maybe 1 or 2others I couldn't possibly master 8 or 9 languages in hardly a month youmight say. I don't know what the idear is but it probably come from thesame guy that makes you shoot laying on your stomach. 

Speaking about a month my month without leave is pretty near up and I amfigureing on going to Chi the 1st. Of Dec. And see Florrie and littleAl though for all as I know they both may be dead because Florrie won'tnever suffer from writers cramp on my acct. I have asked her 2 or 3times to come out for Sunday and bring the kid but no its always to coldor she has got company comeing for dinner or 1 thing another. 

Sometimes I pretty near wish I had a wife like Sebastian's thats sohomely you can't hardly look at her but still and all you get a chanceto once in a while. 

Well I wrote to that poor kid down in Texas and told her I didn't wantto bother her to make me a helmet or a sweater but I all ready got ahelmet. I didn't have the heart to tell her about Florrie or tell her toquit writeing to me but I give her a kind of a hint that I was to busyto spend much time writeing letters and I hope she don't try and keep upa correspondence because it can't do neither of us no good and the bestway would be for us to both forget it and of course that wouldn't be notrouble for me but I am afraid a girl don't forget so easy. 

Well Al this ain't what you might call a happy letter but I don't knowno good news to write only they have gave up our choir practice as a badjob and we don't have to worry no more about letting the fires go out. 

Your pal, JACK. 

CAMP GRANT, Dec. 2. 

_FRIEND AL:_ Well Al I just got back from Chi and of all the tough lucka man ever had I had it. 

You remember me telling you about the last time I come back from myleave and I got in late and Capt. Nash says I couldn't have no moreleave for a month. Well the month was up Friday and I had it fixed so asI could go to Chi Saturday A. M. With the gang that was going tothe football game between our club and Camp Custer and the only onesthat was allowed to go was the ones that had boughten tickets to thegame so I bought a ticket though I didn't have no intentions of waistingmy time out to no Willy boy football game. 

Well we got to Chi about noon and we had to march all over town andeverybody stood on the sidewalks and cheered us to the ecco and Icouldn't get away from the bunch till the parade was over though I don'tenjoy marching and have everybody stare at you but when it was over Ibeat it for home. Well I hadn't said nothing to Florrie about comeingbecause I wanted to surprise her and I thought of course little Al andthe Swede would be home and I and little Al could walk in on Florrieover to the beauty parlor and surprise her, but when I got to the flatand rung the bell they wasn't no answer and I rung and rung and finely Iseen they wasn't nobody home so I went to the beauty parlor and 1 of thegirls there told be that Florrie was takeing the P. M. Off andwouldn't be back till Monday A. M. 

So I went back to the flat and looked for the janitor to let me in andwhen you don't want janitors they are always snooping around at yourcoat tails but when you do want them they are hideing in the ash bbl. Orsomething. So it took me about a hour to find this bird and another hourto get him to open the door up for me and of course they wasn't nobodyhome so the janitor says maybe I could find out where they went from theneighbors so I rung the woman across the hall's bell and she come to thedoor. So I said "I'm Corp. Keefe and I wanted to know if you knew whereis my wife and kid. " So she says "They went out. " Well Al I suppose Ididn't know they had went out and I felt like saying to her "Oh Ithought they might maybe of crawled in between the wall paper to take anap or I thought maybe they might of left the stopper out of the bathtub and got drained off or something. " But I just asked her did she knowwhere they went and she said she didn't. 

[Illustration: As we marched, everybody stood on the side walks andcheered us to the ecco (p. 129). ]

Well I seen she didn't know nothing about them or probably nothing elseso I went back in the flat and waited and waited and it come along 5o'clock and I called up a saloon over on Indiana and asked them to fetchme over a doz. Bottles of beer and I had 2 of them and then went out toa restaurant and had supper and come back and nobody home yet. Well tomake a short story out of it I finished the beer up and finely went tobed and I didn't know nothing more till 9 A. M. This morningwhen the Swede come snooping into the room and seen me and let out ascreem and beat it and I got up and dressed and went in the kitchen andshe said Florrie had took little Al somewheres to stay all night withsome friends and give the Swede permission to go to a ski jumpers danceout to Berwyn and Florrie would be home about 11. 

Well Florrie come strutting in with the kid about 12 looking like shehadn't done nothing out of the way and when she seen me she squeeled andcome romping over for a kiss. Well Al she didn't get it. I kissed littleAl all right but I didn't see where she had a right to expect favors. Well she seen how things stood and begin trying to explain somethingabout spending the P. M. Down town shopping and then going to a show withsome friends of hers on the north side and they left little Al in chargeof the nurse at the friends and they both stayed there all night and whydidn't I tell her I would be home so as she could have changed her plansand etc. So I said "Yes you are a fine wife and mother running aroundtown with a bunch of bums and leave your kid all alone in charge of anurse that you don't know nothing about her and for all as you know shemight of cut his ears off like a Belgium. " Well I was sore and I giveher a good balling out and of course it wound up like usual with herbusting out crying and then they wasn't nothing for me to do only say Ididn't mean what I had been saying and we had dinner and maybeeverything would of been O. K. Only we hadn't no sooner gotten up fromthe table when in come 1/2 of the south side and their wifes to call. Well they wasn't none of them I ever seen before or ever want to seethem again and they was all friends of Florrie's and 2 of the ladys wascustomers of hers so she didn't dare tell them to get the h-ll out ofthere and a Mrs. Crane and a Mrs. Somebody else picked on me and got mein a pocket on the Davenport and they didn't even have sence enough tocall me Corporal but it was Mr. Keefe this and Mr. Keefe that and whendid I think the war would end and wasn't the Germans awful and how manymen did we have in France and when was I going and so on. And Mrs. Cranesaid her and all her friends was so jealous of Mrs. Keefe because herhusband was a soldier so I said I had heard they was room in some of thecamps for a few more husbands and Mrs. Crane said her husband had triedhis hardest to get into something but he had bad teeth so I said whydidn't he try and get into some good dentist office. But they wasn't noway I could get them mad enough to go home till 5 o'clock then I andFlorrie and the kid had just a hour together before I had to beat it forthe train. 

[Illustration: One of the girls there told me Florrie was taking theP. M. Off (p. 130). ]

Well Al I won't get no more leave off till Xmas and maybe not then butwhat is the use any way when your wife gives you a welcome like that andall together it was a fine trip and I won't never try and take nobody bysurprise after this but at that why couldn't she of stayed home where awoman belongs. 

My train was jamed comeing back tonight and I don't know where they gotit but everybody was oiled up and celebrating about beating Camp Custerin the football game and I'll say Camp Custer must be a home forcripples or something if that's the kind of a football club they turnout any way I bet they ain't no room to dance in the guard housetonight. 

Your pal, JACK. 

[Illustration]

CAMP GRANT, Dec. 4. 

_FRIEND AL:_ I guess I was so full of my swell visit home when I wroteyou the last time that I forgot about telling you about that littlegirlie down in Texas. Well Al they isn't much to tell only that I gotanother letter from her though I as good as told her I wished shewouldn't write me no more but she wrote any way and she says she can'tforget me and theys no use asking her to and she wouldn't tell me whereit was we seen each other and they was no use me asking her. It looksfrom her letter like she was getting in deeper every day and I don'tknow what will be the end of it all and if she done anything to herselfon my acct. I would feel like a murder though of course a man can't helphow they look or what a girl thinks about them but still and all youcan't help from feeling like you was to blame. 

I guess the best way to do is just not answer her letter and hope forthe best and hope she won't do nothing rash. 

Well Al I started out to write you a long letter but I am to wore outand I guess anybody would be after what we went through today. It wasthe coldest day I ever seen so they picked it out for us to go on a 19mile hike and if you could see the roads around here you would know whatthat means and they can talk all they want to about how the men suffersin France but I would rather go out in the middle of Nobody's Land andstart a mumblety peg game then take another of these dam hikes with theweather a million below zero and the road full of rutts as big as thegrand canion. 

If it hadn't been for setting a example to my command I believe I wouldof pretended like I was sick and when you are sick they make somebodyelse carry your junk and leave you ride in a wagon thats O. K. For aprivate that don't care what the rest of them think of him but acorporal has got to keep going and try to keep his men going and whenyou got a bunch of sap heads like mine it keeps a man on the jump totend to them. Red Sampson was so bad that I had to keep after him allthe while and finely I pulled a good one on him I said "Sampsoneverybody in the whole regt. Is out of step but you. " So the rest ofthem give him the laugh but he can't take a joke no matter how good itis so he says "I haven't heard that one since they fought with spears. "So I said "You get in step and show a little life or I'll spear you. "

[Illustration: Yes you are a fine Wife and Mother running around townand leave your Kid all alone (p. 134). ]

Well its all over now any way and I don't suppose they will send us outagain till theys a big blizzard or something and then they will march usto Canada or somewheres for a little work out. 

Your pal, JACK. 

[Illustration]

CAMP GRANT, Dec. 7. 

_FRIEND AL:_ Well Al I got some big news for you. The govt. Have changedtheir plans all around and decided after this to send the best men fromthe national army to fill up the national guards and that means theys abig bunch of us leaveing soon for Camp Logan down in Texas and theofficers say we musent spill nothing about it that is when we are goingbecause if the pro German spys ever found out that our bunch was goingdown there they would spread the rails and turn switches on us andprobably put torpedos on the track or something. So all as I can say isthat you won't hear from me here no more and I can't tell you what unitswe will be in because we haven't got no official notice yet and all as Iknow is what some of the boys heard that we would be in Col. House'sregt. I thought when I 1st. Heard the news that it meant we would bestarting for France pretty quick and of course I didn't stop to thinkthat they have closed up navigations for the winter. 

Well Al I am glad we are going somewheres for the winter where it isn'tso dam cold and of course I don't like to be so far away from home butmaybe Florrie can get away and come down there and join me for a whileand I am going to have a few hours off any way to say good bye tolittle Al and she and I wish I could see you and Bertha before I goespecially you but theys no chance so good bye and good luck to you andI will write when I can. 

I just happened to think Al that Camp Logan is in Texas and thats wherethat little girl lives but you can bet I won't leave her know where I ambecause in the 1st. Place she would probably be just crazy enough towant to see me or something and besides I wrote her a farewell noteyesterday and asked her wouldn't she send me her picture because Ithought that would make her feel a little happier to think I wanted herpicture even if we don't keep on writeing letters and I don't care ifshe sends it or not any way if she sent it up here I will probably begone before that time. 

Well Al I will be kind of sorry to leave Camp Grant where all and all wehave had a pretty good time and I guess Gen. Martin and them will besorry to see our bunch duck out and they will have a fine bunch leftwhen we go but I am glad we won't freeze to death this winter andbesides that they tell me the national guards is shy of officers andmaybe I may not stay a corporal long after I get there but will getsomething bigger though a corporal can't be sneezed at. 

Your pal, JACK. 

CAMP LOGAN, Dec. 14. 

_FRIEND AL:_ Well old pal here we are in sunny Texas and its been prettycold so far but nothing like it was up at Camp Grant and of course itdon't never get as cold here as up there on acct. Of this being furthersouth. 

Well nothing happened to us on the way down though of course it would ofbeen good night nurse if it had got out what road we come on and when weleft and even at that we seen some bad eggs at several differentstations that looked like Germans that might of tried to pull somethingif they had a chance but we watched them like a hawk and they was scaredto make a false move. 

Well Al what do you think they have made Shorty Lahey a sargent downhere only thank god he isn't in my Co. Or I would be up in front of thecourt's marshall for murder. But him being a sargent shows they must ofbeen pretty hard up and you can bet they was tickled to death to see ourbunch roll in. Well Al if he can get a sargent I will be a gen. In amonth. He says to me yesterday he says "Well old sport I wish they hadof put you in my Co. And you would do the rest of your drilling with adish towel. " So I said "Yes I would. "

Well after thinking it over a while I decided I better write to thelittle girl and tell her where I was at because I asked her in myfarewell note for her to send me her picture of herself and if she sentit up to Camp Grant maybe 1 of them rummys might get a hold of it andopen it up and then write back to the girl and kid her about it and Ifigured maybe if I let her know I was down here that maybe she hadn'tsent the picture up there yet. But I didn't give her no encouragement towrite to me here and all I said was that if she ever happened to be inHouston and I happened to be in town on leave maybe we might run intoeach other but I just said that jokeingly because her town is about a100 miles from here and what would she be doing a 100 miles from homeand besides even if I seen her on the st. I doubt if I would know herthough I generally almost always remember faces though I can't alwaysremember their names. But if she seen me and spoke to me I would pretendlike I didn't hear her and duck because it would only make it tougherfor her to talk to me because I would have to tell her the truth. But Iguess its all over between us now and any way I hope so. 

Your pal, JACK. 

[Illustration: If he can get a sargent I will be a gen. In a month (p. 147). ]

CAMP LOGAN, Dec. 16. 

_FRIEND AL:_ Well old pal I am up against a funny proposition now and itisn't so dam funny at that. Here is a letter I received thisA. M. From that girlie. I will copy it down. 

"Soldier Boy, so we are going to meet at last. Yes we are, that is ifyou want it to happen. My aunt in Houston has been wanting me to comethere for months, but not till now have I really wanted to. You know whyI do now, don't you Soldier Boy? You say it is easier for you to get offSundays. All right. Will you meet me in the lobby of the Rice Hotel aweek from today at one in the afternoon. I will let you take me todinner and we can talk things over. We have a lot to say to each other, haven't we Soldier. Boy? Write me at once and say you will meet me. Ican hardly wait to get your reply and if you disappoint me I will dosomething to make you sorry. But you won't will you? I am just finishingyour sweater and will bring it to you. "

Well Al when the letter come I had a notion to write to her back andtell her to not come but in her letter she said she would do somethingto make me sorry and I am afraid of what she would do and if she donesomething rash I would feel like it was my fault and besides if she hasgot a sweater pretty near made for me it would be kind of mean to ofmade her do all that work for nothing and besides a man needs a sweatera lot of times even down here and I was going to buy one because Ididn't have no idear she was makeing one for me. So I figure the bestway to do is to tell her I will meet her and I will take her somewheresto dinner and while we are at dinner I can tell her the truth about mebeing married and it will be much better to tell her to her face thenwrite it in a letter because it would sound pretty hard in black andwhite but the only thing is we have got to find some quite spot so as ifshe makes a seen or something they won't be no crowd around to pop theireyes out at us. But I hope she is a game bird and will take it O. K. AndI'm sorry now I didn't tell her in the 1st. Place and I wish she wasn'tcomeing and I sometimes wish I was a little scrimp or ugly so as a girlwouldn't look at me twice and between you and I Al it isn't all a bed ofroses to be like I am. 

I will write and tell you how I come out but I am to exited to write anymore now and I wish they was some way I could get out of it all withoutleaveing no scars. 

Your pal, JACK. 

HOUSTON, TEX. , Dec. 24. 

_FRIEND AL:_ I bet you will pop your eyes out when you read this letterand read what I got to tell you. I will begin at the beginning and tellyou what come off so as you will know what come off. 

Saturday I pretty near made up my mind that it would be better for me tonot see Miss Chase so when I asked for leave for yesterday I hoped theywouldn't give it to me but they give it to me O. K. So I had to come orit would look funny. Well I come into the Rice at about 5 min, to 1 andlooked around the lobby and they was only one woman that was alone andshe was old about 35 and I looked around and couldn't see no girl thatlooked like they was waiting for somebody, and while I was looking thiswoman I seen seen me and come over to where I was standing. Well Al Ithought sure it was the girl's aunt and she had heard about our date andwas going to raise h-ll or something. Well this woman come up and sayswasn't I Corporal Keefe. Well I didn't know what to say and I kind ofstalled and she says "Was you expecting to meet some one here?" So Isaid "Yes I was looking for a man. " So then she kind of smirked andsays "Well I was expecting to meet a man to and I thought you was him. "So I said "No I guess you have got the wrong bird. "

Well Al everything would of been O. K. And I could of got away O. K. Onlyjust when I had her beleiving it wasn't me who should come up but LeftyKramer that pitchs in the Texas League and lives here and instead of himjust saying "Hello Jack" of course he had to say "Well if here ain't oldJack Keefe" and then it was good night. Well I suppose I turned into allthe colors of the rainbow and I didn't know what to say and then Leftyasked right out loud if I wasn't going to introduce him to the lady andshe spoke up and said her name Miss Chase and then I had to saysomething so I said "Oh I didn't know you was really Miss Chase or Iwould of acted different but I thought you was somebody else. " So shekind of give a funny smile and says "Yes you did" and then all of asudden I heard little Al's voice right behind hollering "There's daddy"and I looked around and it was Florrie and little Al. 

[Illustration: Well if here ain't old Jack Keefe (p. 154). ]

Well Al Florrie come up and kissed me right in front of the whole hoteland the next thing I know the 3 of us was away from Kramer and the dameand Florrie was telling me how she had came down to give me a Xmassupprise and she is going to stay about 3 wks. And spend some of thetime with her sister over in Beaumont. 

Well I took a look just as we was going up in the elevator and MissChase was still standing there yet with Kramer and she was looking rightat me and I couldn't help from feeling sorry for her the way she lookedbut a woman her age should ought to know more then start writeingletters to a guy she never seen and maybe this will learn her a lessonand I suppose she can give her sweater to somebody else and maybe Kramerhas got it by this time but what he ought to have is a wallop in the jawfor butting in but what can you expect from a left hander. 

Well Al I have got a leave off for over Xmas and I am writeing thisletter while Florrie is out shopping and she asked me what I wanted forXmas and I told her a sweater so I won't loose out after all. 

Your pal, JACK. 

[Illustration]

CAMP LOGAN, Jan. 5. 

_FRIEND AL:_ Well Al this may be the last time you will ever hear fromme or at least for a long time and maybe never. I'm going over there oldpal and something tells me I won't never come back. 

I can't tell you what I am going with or when we go or where we sailfrom because they won't leave us give out none of that dope and all as Ican say is that about 30 of us has been picked to fill up a unit and weleave here tomorrow and meet them at the place where we sail from. WellAl its a big honor to be 1 of the men picked and it means they have gota lot of confidence in me and you can bet they are not sending no riffand raff over there but just picked men and I will show them they didn'tmake no mistake in choosing me. 

But its mighty tough to leave Florrie and little Al and I thoughtFlorrie would break her heart when I told her and no wonder. But whenits a question of duty I am not the kind that would back out and Florriewouldn't want me to but its hard all the same. 

Well Al I can't waist no more time writeing to you and I am going tomeet Florrie in Houston in a little while and it may be for the lasttime so I will say good bye to you now and say good bye to Bertha for meand she ought to be thankful she has got a husband that stayed at homeand didn't enlist. And if we have good luck and nothing happens to us Iwill write you once in a while from the other side. 

Your pal, JACK.